Copyrighted 1901, by TiiE Nut Shei.i. Vvn. Co. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
WILLIAM McKINLEY. 
 
 THIS PORTRAIT WAS DRAWN WITH A PEN IN ONE CONTINUOUS LINE, AND IS CONSIDERED 
 THE MOST UNIQUE WORK OF ITS KIND IN THE WORLD. 
 
DEDICATED 
 
 — TO 'nil.; — 
 SPIRIT OF PAN AMERICA 
 
 — IN — 
 
 A SPIRIT OF FUN. 
 
...FOREWORD.., 
 
 THIS VOLUME WAS CONSTRUCTED ON THE THEORY 
 THAT IT IS FAR BETTER TO LAUGH THAN TO WEEP. HE 
 WHO FINDS TWO LAUGHS WHERE ONLY ONE HAD PREVI- 
 OUSLY EXISTED IS A TRUE BENEFACTOR TO MANKIND; 
 AND REALIZING THAT INFORMATION COMING IN A PLEAS- 
 ANT GUISE IS ALWAYS LASTING AND BENEFICIAL, ITS 
 MISSION TO AMUSE IS DOUBLY ENHANCED BY ITS POWER 
 TO INSTRUCT. THE vSADDEST OF ALL HUMAN COMPLAINTS 
 IS THE INABILITY TO LAUGH. IF THIS BOOK WILL TEND 
 IN A MEASURE TO ASSUAGE THIS AFFLICTION, AND IN- 
 CIDENTALLY IMPART A FEW LESSONS IN PHILOSOPHY 
 AND KNOWLEDGE, THEN ITS EFFORTS WILL NOT HAVE 
 BEEN IN VAIN. 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
SENORITA SOUTH AMERICA MAKES GOO GOO EYES AT TTNCLE SAM. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 "MIRTH IS god's medicine" HENRY WARD BEECHER. 
 
 HERE are two sides to every story: 
 The story of the Pan-American Ex 
 position of 1901 had its funny side, 
 and a very funny side it was. It also 
 developed a tragic side, little sus- 
 pected at the time of its conception, 
 and which 
 
 THE PAN HAD 
 TWO SIDKS. 
 
 came upon 
 it like a 
 thunderbolt from a clear sky. 
 
 In its humorous aspect it was re- 
 plete with interesting features and 
 personalities. There was the Arab, 
 withhis baggy trousers; the Mexican, 
 in his preposterously wide- 
 brimmed sombrero, and the ab- 
 surdly togged-up Senegambian 
 from "Darkest Africa" — who 
 were all rich in mirth-provok- 
 ing possibilities. 
 
 The visitors, coming from every 
 walk in life and from every locality, 
 frequently contained specimens of 
 humanity of such queer make-up that 
 not to laugh would stamp one as en- 
 tirely devoid of a sense of the ludi- 
 crous. 
 
 "The Rainbow City" was conceived 
 in a spirit of humor. Senorita South 
 America made goo-goo eyes at Uncle 
 Sam some time ago, and the flirtation 
 has been going on ever since; and 
 there is every evidence of a life- 
 Ion"- attachment, with the legal 
 
•HULLY gee, EF I GETS ANODER CUSTOMER LIKE DIS I TROWS UP DE JOB !" 
 
AROUND THE ''PAN." 17 
 
 sanction of old Dr. Monroe and his celebrated " Doctrine." 
 
 "The Rainbow City " was not so called because its opening 
 month was rainy, but on account of the beautiful tints which 
 pervaded its architecture ; and so infectious was this color in- 
 fluence that competent authorities 
 assert that its parent city, Buffalo, was 
 painted red every night. 
 
 It was asserted that if Chicago's White 
 City had been in existence then, it 
 would have turned green with envy on 
 beholding the beautifully tinted " Pan." 
 
 There is much diversity inhuman na- 
 ture and we do not all see with the same 
 eyes; the strait-laced Puritan sees all 
 sorts of demons in the sailor's grog 
 where the simple-minded seaman sees 
 only good spirits. So it was with the 
 sightseers at the Exposition. Some 
 found hilarious enjoyment in the big 
 see-saw, while others intensely enjoyed 
 seeing the small Spanish bulls teased and 
 tormented almost to the tail end of endurance in the bull ring 
 at the " Streets of Mexico." 
 On dedication 
 
 figure stood at the 
 the Exposition, 
 at his feet and his 
 ungainly umbrella 
 unwound a long 
 his pocketbookwas 
 ed therefrom a 
 three nickels and 
 
 day a long, lank 
 main entrance of 
 His carpet bag was 
 knees embracedhis 
 while he slowly 
 string with which 
 bound and extract- 
 Canadian quarter, 
 ten pennies. With 
 
 this change in his hand he sauntered up to the ticket-selling 
 
 TH^: INFLUENCE 
 OF COLOR. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 A BARGAINER. 
 
 booth. "Haow much did ye say them tickets waz?" he 
 cautiously inqtiired, and when told the price slowly pro- 
 ceeded to recount 
 his money, piece 
 by piece, and then 
 passed it in at the 
 window and re- 
 ceived his ticket of 
 admission. 
 
 Hank Slocum 
 was a Yankee 
 
 farmer from "way 
 
 doawn East," where they grow them long and lean, and as shrewd 
 as it is possible for humanity to be. He often remarked that 
 " He'd be jiggered ef he didn't git his money's worth every 
 time he let loose a nickel ! " 
 
 As Hank reached the turnstile, a large, corpulent German 
 was making frantic efforts to squeeze through—" Donnerwetter 
 nocheinmal," he irritably exclaimed, " for 
 vhy dey don't make dem pigger ?" Af- 
 ter straining several buttons off he was 
 told to " Move along out av theyre ! " 
 by a policeman with a strong Milesian 
 brogue, and Hank was enabled to get 
 through. Just as he had 
 gotten inside the enclosure 
 he noticed' several small 
 urchins crawl under the exit 
 wicket, and a little further 
 down the walk a fine speci- 
 nien of ragged and unkempt 
 humanity known as "Hobo" 
 managed to scale the fence, 
 and within a few seconds 
 
20 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 HK NEVER RHAPSODIZED. 
 
 was safely inside the Fair grounds 
 of a cent, a fact which 
 Hank, who invariably 
 its guise. 
 
 ceeded but a short dis- 
 sition grounds when he 
 awe-inspiring sight of 
 posing array of build- 
 justified in doing, for 
 City had surpassed his 
 The tall electrical tower, 
 with delightful foun- 
 artistic statuary, much 
 the right and left were long vistas 
 designed to display the won- 
 ders of electricity, the fruits 
 of husbandry, and the ex- 
 ploits of the liberal arts. 
 But our visitor had not come 
 to rhapsodize ; indeed, he was 
 of a particularly practical 
 turn of mind, so his naturally 
 inquisitive nature caused him 
 to stop an urchin who was 
 loudly proclaiming the vir- 
 tues of an official guide which 
 he had for sale. 
 
 "I say, sonny," inquired 
 Uncle Hank, "where's ther 
 Midway ? " 
 
 "Say, mister, buy one of 
 these guides, and it'll tell yer 
 where ther Midway and ther 
 whole bizness is. See, it's 
 
 without the expenditure 
 was not lost upon Uncle 
 admired thrift, whatever 
 Uncle Hank had pro- 
 tance within the Expo- 
 halted abruptly at the 
 the magnificent and im- 
 ings, as, indeed, he was 
 the beautiful Rainbow 
 greatest expectations, 
 with its base ensconced 
 tains and alluring and 
 impressed him: while to 
 
 of magnificent structures 
 
 A CANADIAN VISITOB 
 
THE RESPLENDENT EXPOSITION " COP." 
 
22 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 ^ — — — ^ 
 
 got er map, 
 
 with alltherin- 
 
 terestin g 
 
 places marked 
 
 on it — only 
 
 twenty-five 
 
 cents," And 
 
 the youthful 
 
 salesman 
 
 spread out the 
 
 plan o n one of the green 
 
 benches which abound 
 
 throughout the Exposition 
 
 grounds. 
 
 "An' which of them 
 
 places is the Midway?" 
 
 inquired the countryman 
 as he passed his long fin- 
 ger over the 
 map. 
 
 "Why, don't 
 yer see dat 
 long street?" 
 exclaimed the 
 boy, designat- 
 ing the exact 
 location on the 
 open map and 
 at the same time pointing 
 his finger in the direction 
 of the famous locality. 
 
 This was enough for 
 the shrewd Yankee, who, 
 armed with tie necessary 
 
" ET's a great show, SILAS !" 
 
24 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 information without the expenditure of the solicited twenty- 
 five cents, gathered up his gripsack and umbrella, and, as he 
 started for his goal, thanked the outwitted boy for his infor- 
 mation and promised that "ef he needed a guide, he'd call 
 back and buy one of them books." 
 
 There is a peculiar atmosphere about all expositions which 
 causes commonplaces to become uncommonly interesting ; 
 this is partly due to the holiday air pervading, and to the fact 
 
 that the visitor has come to be 
 entranced, and that he intends, on 
 
AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 25 
 
 *' HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE BY THE HOUR, SONNY ?' 
 
26 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 HE ENTERS THE 
 MIDWAY. 
 
 his return home, to dilate on the wonderful things seen. 
 Our friend Hank was no 
 
 "^•ie MhH B€Hi 
 
 "^Hc Push' 
 
 ^ Loom hi f£,n 
 
 / WICKEp SI6H 
 
 exception to the rule, and 
 promptly proceeded to l)e 
 amused. The first thing- to 
 catch his eye was "The 
 House Upside Down." Af- 
 ter listening to the vivid de- 
 scription of the barker at the 
 entrance he purchased a 
 ticket of admission and en- 
 tered the topsy-turvy build- 
 ing, and, proceeding from 
 floor to floor, he was, as he 
 expressed it, "mighty upsot." 
 "Darned ef I know 
 whether I'm stand- 
 in' on my head or 
 m.y feet." 
 
 " I'm all twisted up !" he exclaimed when he reached 
 the street. "Whoop'ee, ther hul world's upside daown!" 
 and with this exclamation he threw his gripsack and 
 hat on the ground and stood on his head and hands, 
 " ter see haow it looked," to the intense amusement 
 of the crowd, and not minding the laughter of the 
 people surrounding. He then strode up 
 the Midway to seek a new diversion. 
 His eye next caught the quaint entrance 
 to the Streets of Mexico. 
 
 As he gazed in at the window of the 
 restaurant, the dulcet tones of the 
 mandolin orchestra caught his fancy, 
 and he decided that he must enter, 
 which he did, and after strolling about 
 
28 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 A MEXICAN MEAL. 
 
 and critically examining the peculiar architecture of the adobe 
 houses and the odd garb 
 of the Mexican dudes and 
 peons, as well as the beau- 
 tiful senoritas, he was at- 
 tracted to the restaurant, 
 as he was rather hungry, 
 and the hot tamales and 
 other highly spiced food 
 smelled appetizing. A 
 pretty little Mexican 
 maiden brought him a 
 "bill of fare," but as the 
 dishes were of Mexican 
 manufacture, Uncle Hank 
 was for a moment non- 
 plused ; his native wit, 
 how- 
 ever, "HOT stuff!" 
 
 soon 
 
 came to his relief. In glancing over the list 
 of edibles, he discovered the word beans ; 
 that was enough for him, so pointing his 
 finger at the word he told the waitress to 
 bring him some. In a few moments 
 a steaming di^h. was placed before him, 
 but it bore no resemblance 
 to his favorite viand — how- 
 ever he concluded to "go it," 
 but the first mouthful caused 
 him to open wide his cap- 
 acious mouth and emit a 
 yell that caused a salvo of 
 laughter from the other din- 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 29 
 
 ers in the restaurant. The dish he had ordered was concocted by 
 stewing a large Mexican bean with a profusion of red pepper 
 and other hot and spicy ingredients, and unless one is accus- 
 tomed to such food is very apt to prove surprising at the first 
 trial, and this proved to be the case with Uncle Hank ; how- 
 ever, when the accommodating waitress brought him a fra- 
 grant cup of cocoa, he managed to assuage his hungen The 
 bull fight next claimed his attention, although he demurred 
 strongly at the extra charge demanded for admission which is 
 invariably levied in all Midway enclosures. 
 
 You absent-minded beggar, 
 
 Be you City Sport or Jay, 
 If you want to see the Elephant, 
 
 You must Pay ! Pay ! ! Pay ! ! ' 
 
 hummed a howling swell beside him ! 
 
 Uncle Hank was hardly seated before the 
 cavalcade made the appearance in the ring, 
 and after parading around several times to 
 
 A MEXICAN MVSTERY 
 
so 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 ■ HE BULL FIGHT. show their proficiency 
 as horsemen, Mr. Toros, 
 the star of the occasion, 
 was ushered into the 
 arena. He proved to be 
 a small black Spanish 
 bull with no more ap- 
 uarent ability to fight 
 than his Spanish hu- 
 man prototypes showed 
 at Manila and San- 
 tiago in a war not 
 many years ago. In- 
 deed, so devoid was 
 he of pugnacious 
 qualities, that after 
 being prodded and 
 tormented by the 
 picadores he actual- 
 ly turned tail and ran 
 to cover, with a 
 
 brave and valiant Matador grasping his tail with both hands 
 amid the loud jeers of the assemblage ; this was too much 
 for Uncle Hank, who expressed his opinion in no uncertain 
 tone : " Why gol durn it, I've got a short horn tu hum that 
 cud lick a hull Spanish fleet of sech as him !" and this 
 seemed to be the opinion of the majority of the spectators. 
 The transplanted bull fight of Spain is not to be compared 
 in the matter of gore with a full-fledged 
 college foot-ball scrap. 
 
 Presently a fresh bull was brought in, 
 and after considerable provocation put 
 up a faint imitation of belligerency ; 
 with this the audience was dismissed to 
 
" I GOT A SHORT HORN TU HUM THET CUD LICK A HULL SPANISH 
 FLEET OF SECH AS HIM!" 
 
32 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 UNCLE HANK SEES THE 
 HULA-HULA DANCE. 
 
 MIDWAY TYPES 
 
 make way for other waiting and unsuspecting victims out- 
 side. 
 
 Uncle Hank's curiosity now directed his foot- 
 steps toward the Hawaiian village, and as the 
 crowd was surging in he allowed himself to drift 
 in. What he saw there can best be described in 
 his own words : " Je-roosa-lem — ciicke}" ! When 
 I getter hum I must tell Si Hawkins ter see that 
 Hoo-la Hoo-la dance — it's a corker !" and with 
 this he proceeded to imitate the sinuous hip 
 wriggle of the Hula- Hula dance, vociferously 
 whistling the seductive music as an accompaniment. " Thet 
 stage manager said it was ther same dance thet waz danced 
 afore King Kalakawer, but I'll bet Mrs. Kalakawer wasn't pres- 
 ent when it waz." 
 
 The Midway presented an animated picture, with as varied a 
 
 concourse of people as 
 could well be imagined, 
 The picturesque, though 
 often dirty, Arabs and 
 Turks from the " Streets 
 of Cairo " touched elbows 
 with immaculately attired 
 society belles from the aris- 
 tocratic avenues of the big 
 cities. The free-from-care 
 country bumpkin, with his 
 best girl in her best frock 
 sauntered along, munching 
 pop-corn balls and stop- 
 ping occasionally to listen 
 to the vociferous harangu- 
 ing of the "barkers" of 
 the various attractions 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 33 
 
 akong the thoroughfare. " Step this way to the greatest ex- 
 hibition ever showed ! Ef it ain't the grand- 
 est on earth ye can get your money back. 
 Ask the people comin' out : a«k 'em if it ain't 
 great. Why, people, we've spent $50,000 git- 
 tin' up this show. Mark Hanna sed he'd seed 
 nothin' like it. After the Pan Ameriky, 
 we're going to take it to 
 Europe and show it to the 
 crowned heads, an' the 
 bald heads, the dead 
 heads, and the cabbage 
 heads." 
 
 Uncle Hank's attention was now called 
 tO) a large crowd listening to a fervid de- 
 sciription of Cleopatra's wonderful charms, 
 SO) he edged up to the young man who so 
 elcoquently told of the famous Egyptian 
 qmeen's beauty, intending to secure a little more 
 iniformation about the show before he paid his ad- 
 miission fee. 
 
 " I say," he inquired, "is this 'ere Cleopatry — er — 
 
 ther real thing ? " 
 
 " You bet she's 
 the real thing ! " re- 
 plied the youngman 
 at the door. " She's 
 painted up a bit, 
 but the girls all 
 paint now-a-days," 
 and he winked at 
 the crowd. 
 
 But Uncle Hank 
 was not satisfied 
 
 THE barker's 
 HARANGUE. 
 
 THE HULA-HULA DANCER. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 UNCLE HANK SEES THE 
 
 STREETS OF CAIRO. 
 
 " I say, young felle'*, 
 
 7?^ 
 
 yet, and vouchsafed one more question : 
 how's she dressed ? " 
 
 Oh, she's got on a coat." 
 "A coat ? " 
 
 "Yes, country ; a coat of paint." 
 
 And when our friend found that it was only a " picture " he 
 moved along disgustedly. A crowd was surging into the 
 streets of Cairo, and Uncle Hank concluded to follow. As he 
 passed into the enclosure two brawny Arabs were engaged in a 
 furious sword combat, alternately striking each other's shield a 
 resounding whack with their short swords amid tom-tom beats 
 on a sort of kettle drum : small Arab boys were importuning 
 
 visitors to try a ride on tired look- 
 ing donkeys, and on both sides of 
 the street were bazars doing a 
 thriving business in Egyptian sou- 
 venirs (made in Newark, N. J.) 
 
 One booth attracted quite a little 
 attention on account of a novel, or 
 rather a very old style of lathe, at 
 which an Arab, by means of a chisel 
 held by his hand and bare foot, on 
 which was a curiousl)^ misplaced toe, 
 managed to turn some attractive de- 
 signs in turned work, which he sold 
 to the onlookers. 
 
 There were several camels parad- 
 ing up and down the street, attended 
 by gaudily-attired Orientals ; but 
 Uncle Hank was not looking for ca- 
 mels, he was looking for " The Ele- 
 phant " in the lair of the " Hooche 
 Cooche,"of which he'd heard often. 
 So he made a bee line for the little 
 
36 
 
 ■AROUND THE *'PAN." 
 
 A SHOW FOR BALD 
 HEADS. 
 
 Oriental Theatre. The barker was holding forth in great 
 shape as he approached. "This is the greatest show on the 
 Midway," he exclaimed. "You don't dare to go home without 
 seeing it. They'd laugh at you if you told em you hadn't seen 
 the Oriental dancers, and we've got the simon pure article, and 
 they can dance. You ought to see em do their marvelous 
 muscle dance, the dance that made John the Baptist lose his 
 head; the dance that made the fame of Chicago's World's Fair, 
 and is now making the fame of this grand Exposition. Ycu 
 can't afford to miss it !" and he pointed his finger straight at 
 Uncle Hank. Uncle, however, was equal to the occasion. 
 
 By golly," he answered, " I ain't no bald head thet sets in 
 ther front row et burleske shows," and taking off his tall hat 
 showed a head well thatched with hair. This immediately 
 created a laugh among the assembled onlookers. " An lookin' 
 around me," he continued, "I see quite a number ov folks thet 
 I'll bet ez more familyer with dancin girl shows than I be." 
 This shot at the crowd created another laugh. 
 
 " Well, we're never too old to learn," exclaimed the barker, " so 
 just step up to the window nd buy your ticket and pass in." 
 
 Uncle Hank had loosened his purse strings considerably 
 since his first advent at the Exposition. The enthusiasm of it 
 all had completely changed his close-fisted nature, so he fished 
 out some small change, purchased his ticket, and passed in, fol- 
 lowed by a score of others. The performance had just com- 
 menced; a dark-eyed little dancer with unmistakable oriental 
 features occupied the centre of the stage, while, ranged about 
 in a semi-circle, sat four or five other dancers, flanked on either 
 side by native musicians, who industriously played the famous 
 " Hooche Cooche " music, to the sensuous strains of which the 
 voluptuous little muscle-dancer swayed her form in undulating 
 and rhythmical contortions, which completely riveted the at- 
 tention of the assemblage. "Well, by Crackee, thet's ther 
 best show I've seed yit!" exclaimed Uncle Hank, as he 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 37 
 
 emerged into daylight again. An they say thet's the dance 
 mentioned in ther Bible ? Well, they waz jolly old boys in 
 them days, I reckon, and they knowed a good thing when they 
 seed it." 
 
 The most conspicuous feature at the extreme end of the 
 Midway was the Colossal Face of " Dreamland." This was 
 really a very fine piece of modelling and deserved more than a 
 passing notice on account of its beautiful proportions, not- 
 withstanding its great size. It sheltered a "crystal maze" 
 arrangement of mirrors and hidden lights that were perfectly 
 bewildering. After Uncle Hank had thoroughly explored its 
 mysteries, he gazed intently at the monster face and then 
 ejaculated: "Wal, it's a blamed puzzlin show, and thet big 
 gal's face is mighty appropriate, for females as a rool is puzzlin 
 critters." 
 
 Right across the way was " Pabst's," and our hero lost no time 
 in making his way there, as he was a bit thirsty, as he had 
 heard of the famous beverage dispensed there. After carefully 
 depositing his carpet bag and umbrella under the table, and 
 putting his big foot on top to insure safety, he was approached 
 by a waiter who, with a sweep of a towel, wiped up the rem- 
 nants of the last customer's repast; and after waiting some 
 time he was approached by a phlegmatic German waiter. 
 
 "Waiter, let me have a glass of beer, I'm all-fired dry." 
 
 " Ein beer?" ejaculated the waiter. 
 
 " Naw, lager beer's good enough for me," replied Uncle 
 Hank, and the waiter departed with a grin and a guffaw; 
 presently he returned with the foaming glass. 
 
 And what a motley assemblage was here congregated. 
 There were Turks, Mexicans, Indians, Filipinos, Japs, and 
 apparently representatives from all the Midway shows in the 
 vicinity, and their voices mingled in a perfect babel of confu- 
 sion. A more cosmopolitan congregation it would be hard to 
 find, and everybody drank beer. 
 
 A PLEASED PATRON. 
 
38 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 THE BLUE AND 
 
 THE GRAY. 
 
 " I guess ther reason they all drink beer, is because yer git 
 it for a nickel/' remarked Uncle Hank, and the Yankee fin- 
 ished his glass and continued his sightseeing trip. The first 
 thing to catch his eye was the big Cycloraina building, contain- 
 ing the battle of Missionary Ridge. As our Uncle Hank had 
 participated in the " Big War," he was instantly interested in 
 this representation of one of it's famous battles. Uncle Hank 
 had been intently studying the battle scene for several minutes 
 when his reverie was interrupted. 
 
 "Yo Yankees up Nawth invahiably show the battles in 
 which, suh, the Confederates were at a disadvantage, suh ; now 
 thar's Fredericksburg, fo' instance ! A fine panorama of that 
 engagement, suh, would not show much to the advantage of the 
 Yankees, suh." 
 
 The speaker was a tall, dignified Southern gentleman of the 
 old school, with one of his coat sleeves pinned up to be out of 
 the way, he evidently having lost the arm in fighting for "the 
 lost cause." Uncle Hank eyed him sharply before replying, 
 and then blurted out : 
 
 " Wal, kin yer blame us ? Ef this waz a Southern enterprise 
 I guess a different scrimmage would hev bin selected," and the 
 old Yankee chuckled. 
 
 At this juncture a commotion was created by the noise 
 of a charge, and, with bugle calls and rattle of musketry, quite 
 a creditable semblance of a battle was produced. As the crowd 
 filed out. Uncle Hank made his way rapidly toward the end of 
 the Midway, as he was getting anxious to see some of the big 
 buildings. He, however, could not withstand the temptation to 
 take a look at the Filipinos in their quaint village of thatched 
 habitations ; the native manufactures of rope and hemp partic- 
 ularly interested him, and when he essayed to speak to what he 
 
 thought was a 
 negro, was very 
 much surprised 
 
40 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 to be answered in Spanish. After visiting in 
 turn " Bostock*s Wild Animals " and Chiquita, 
 the dwarf — who, he remarked, looked as though 
 she had been ''picked before she was ripe "—he 
 then wandered into ''Alt Nurnberg," and spent 
 quite a time in rambling through its old German 
 architecture. 
 
 '* An' here's where I give myself a Dutch treat," 
 he remarked, as he seated himself at a table and 
 ordered a " dish like that gentleman's got," point- 
 ing to a plate of wurst and sour kraut just 
 placed before a prosperous- looking German. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 41 
 
 " Haben sie wurst ? " inquired the waiter. 
 " Naw, gimme the best, and be quick ! " 
 
 And when he had finished this modest repast he sallied forth 
 for new adventures. 
 
 The Pan-American Exposition is unique in one respect. It 
 abounds in beautiful statuary. Wherever the eye turns it 
 encounters the most exquisite specimens of the sculptor's art. 
 
 Uncle Hank gazed long and rapturously at one group in par- 
 ticular. It represented human slaves tugging laboriously at a 
 chariot car on which was seated a finely modeled figure of a 
 despot. 
 
 UNCLE HANK AS AN 
 ART CRITIC. 
 
 UNCLE HANK IMPROVES A STATUE. 
 
42 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 A CRITICISM. 
 
 "Seems ter me ther title on thet statoo ain't jest right !" he 
 remarked, as he turned around with a twinkle in his eye to see 
 if any one was looking ; then, reaching down into his carpet 
 bag, he drew out a lump of charcoal he had been using for a 
 sort of tooth powder, and, after crossing out the inscription, 
 " The Despotic Age,'' he proceeded to mark, in strong, charac- 
 teristic letters, the following : " Statoo of a Trust King Takin' 
 a Ride in His Horseliss Carridge." Just as he had executed 
 this masterpiece he felt a tap on the 
 shoulder, and, turning around, was con- 
 fronted by a verdant-lookidg policeman. 
 
 ''What d' yes mean be thot?" he de- 
 manded, pointing to the charcoal marks. 
 
 " Oh, thet's all right ; thet's jest char- 
 coal, and it '11 wash off. I'm jest im- 
 provin' them statoos fer the manage- 
 ment ; givin' them ther benefit ov my 
 knowledgment ov skulptur." 
 
 "An' did they tell yez to do it ? " queried 
 the policeman. 
 
 "Wal, ye see I'm appinted a commit- 
 tee ov one to improve them figers, an' 
 this be my way of doin' it." 
 
 The policeman looked at Uncle Hank 
 quizzically, and was about to pursue his 
 inquiries further when a great hubbub 
 was created by a donkey running away, 
 pursued by a horde of shouting Arabs 
 and Armenians from the Midway. 
 
 The policeman at once gave chase to 
 the fleeing donkey, as did Uncle Hank. 
 The animal was thoroughly frightened 
 and ran pell mell towards the Indian Vil- 
 lage, and, reaching the entrance, dashed 
 
THE FACE AT THE WINDOW." 
 
VICE PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT STANDS SPONSOR FOR PAN AMERICA ROOSEVELT. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 45 
 
 in, followed by the crowd, despite the protests of the guard 
 ■ at the gate. Uncle Hank, 
 
 being a good runner, was 
 well up with the pursuit as 
 the crowd rushed in. 
 
 Uncle Hank now found 
 himself inside the enclosure 
 and it had not cost him a cent, 
 which fact greatly elated the 
 economical Yankee. 
 
 "Wal, b'gosh, I guess I'll 
 look around a bit ; them in- 
 junsbe worth seein', I reckon. 
 Hullo, yaller face ! " he ex- 
 claimed, as a noble red man, 
 with face painted a bright 
 ochre, approached. 
 
 The Indian was of the 
 Sioux tribe and was a fine 
 specimen, tall and agile, and 
 with but one defect— his legs 
 were bowed. This, however, 
 is peculiar to most Indians, 
 and is due solely to horseback riding. 
 
 " Give injun cig-rette ? " grunted the savage. 
 " Dew you smoke them coffin nails ?" inquired Uncle Hank. 
 " Me smoke him ? Yes." 
 Wal, I don't smoke, and ef I did I wouldn't smoke them 
 things," and Uncle Hank passed on with a deprecating wave of 
 the hand. He now proceeded up through a street formed by 
 a double line of canvas tepees, before one of which was a squaw 
 with an axe uplifted in the act of chopping wood for the even- 
 ing's repast, while a little further on could be decried another 
 carrying two buckets of water from the hydrant in the centre 
 
 UNCLE HANK AMONG 
 
 THE INDIANS. 
 
40 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 Roosevelt's PROTfofi. 
 
 of the grounds. The squaws were doing up the chores wv'hile 
 the lazy bucks were idly smoking cigarettes, Every little Wv^hile 
 a tepee flap, which does service as a door, would be thrown oDpen 
 and a diminutive papoose would poo out, and bright liittle 
 children they were. 
 
 On Dedication Day Vice-President Roosevelt stood spomsor 
 
 as godfather for an In 
 just been born. He 
 Pan America ; now it 
 grounds as Pan Amer- 
 
 Uncle Hank • was 
 the war dances, and re- 
 manship as well as the 
 ing by Winona, the In- 
 
 So impressed was 
 
 dian baby that had 
 promptly christenecd it 
 is known all over the 
 ica Roosevelt, 
 greatly interested in 
 markably clever hoirse- 
 wonderful rifle shcoot- 
 dian. squaw. 
 Uncle Hank with jher 
 vent to his enthusiaism 
 
 shooting that he gave 
 in loud whoops. 
 
 " Jiminy Crackee, but aint she a crack shot ! ef I was Iher 
 husband I 'd be mighty keerful how I sassed her back." 
 
 As the crowd was making its way out of the enclosure Un.cle 
 
 Hank noticed Vice- 
 walking just ahead of 
 previously met him at 
 where "Teddy" had 
 litical addresses, he 
 himself known. 
 
 "Howdy Kernel !" 
 Hank, at the same 
 hand. '' Yer haint 
 "Well, as I live ! 
 cum of Medford, is 
 dy " grasped the ex- 
 shook it heartily. 
 
 *' I see it didn't take you very long to find the Midway !" 
 
 President Roosevelt 
 him, and as he had 
 his native town, 
 made one of his po- 
 hastened to ma.ke 
 
 exclaimed Uncle 
 time proffering his 
 forgot me, hevyer ?" 
 this is Henry SBo- 
 it not?" and "Ted- 
 tended hand and 
 
48 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 THE "barker" at THE STREETS OF VENICE. 
 
 and Teddy's teeth gleamed as he smiled. " Wal," ejaculated 
 Uncle Hank, " they're going- to change the name to Dogwalk." 
 " Dogwalk ?" 
 
 " Yas, ' cos there be so many barkers on it," and the old 
 Yankee grinned from ear to ear. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 49 
 
 " Teddy " being- a true politician, invited Uncle Hank to meet 
 him at Music Hall, where he was to deliver an address. 
 
 He now wended his way to the end of the Midway. In pass- 
 ing- the different attractions he could not refrain from express- 
 ing his unique observations. " I notice," said he, " thet at 
 * Danty's Infernal ' ten folks go to hell to one that goes into 
 heaven , thet's just th' way with human critters. And thet 
 ' Johnstown Flood ' crowd makes straight for ' Pabst's.' I guess 
 the sight ov so much water makes em yearn for a beer flood. 
 Just look at thet barker for thet * Venice ' show ! Aint he a 
 guy ! What funny things ye see when ye haven't got a gun." 
 
 And he continued his way past " Alt Nurenberg " to The 
 Mall. It was now quite dark, and as our hero was exceedingly 
 tired he resolved to go to his hotel ; with this end in view he 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 THE INDESCRIBABLY 
 BRILLIANT ILLUMINATIONS. 
 
 TWO OF A KIND. 
 
 slowly made his way to the 
 exit. Just as he reached the 
 Plaza the lights suddenly 
 went out and all was-in dark- 
 ness for a few minutes, then 
 slowly a soft light seemed to 
 emanate from the myriads 
 of bulbs, and gradually the 
 light became stronger until 
 all the buildings were ablaze 
 with illumination. 
 • The effect was indescrib- 
 ably brilliant and the specta- 
 tors were spellbound. 
 
 By Crackee, et's a beauti- 
 ful sight !" exclaimed Uncle 
 
 Hank, and turning to a policeman standing by he asked, " Haow 
 many lights hev they got on them buildings?" 
 
 " Five hundred thousand." ■ 
 
 " Whew ! thet's an awful 
 lot, an it all comes from 
 Niagary Falls ?" 
 
 "Yep," ejaculated the 
 " Cop." 
 
 " Wal, Niagary must be an 
 awful light place," and the 
 old gentleman, musing on the 
 wonders of electric lighting, 
 made his way to the exit. 
 
 On his way out he met 
 the landlady of the boarding 
 house he was stopping at. 
 
 " How's them boarders com- 
 in' along ?" inquired he; "got 
 yer house full, I spose !" 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 51 
 
 HOW YOUR FEET FEEL AT THE END OF THE DAY. 
 
 " N t yit," she replied. 
 " Ye see 1 raised the 
 price." 
 
 " Wal, how's thet ? ' 
 Well, ye see, I set my 
 mind on how much my 
 house ought to bring in 
 during the Exposition 
 and as nobody has occu 
 pied it yit, I've raised the 
 rales for the rest of the 
 season.'* 
 
 " Them Buffalo folks is 
 sharp business people — I 
 don't think," observed 
 Uncle Hank, as he made 
 his way out of the 
 grounds. He was tired 
 and his feet seemed to be 
 filled with lead, but he'd 
 
 THK BUFFALO WAY, 
 
 had a good time, and al- 
 though he had taken a jocular view of almost everything in 
 sight, he was not blind to its other side— to its beautiful archi- 
 tecture and its instructive features, and finally voted the Pan 
 American Exposition a huge success, and vow^ed he'd be on 
 hand early the next morning for another big day of sight- 
 seeing. 
 
5.2 
 
 AROUND THE " PAN. 
 
 THE FUN OF IT. 
 
 " Laugh and the world laughs with you, 
 Weep and you weep alone." 
 
 The truth of this axiom was strongly emphasized in 
 Uncle Hank ; he laughed at everything and everybody, and 
 everybody laughed at him. As soon as he reached the Exposi- 
 tion next morning he found material for laughter in a large 
 sien in front of one of the restaurants which announced : 
 
 MEALS ALL DAY, 50 CTS. 
 
 OLD RELICS. 
 
 " Ef I thought they meant it I'd give em fifty 
 cents tew eat all day," he chuckled to himself as 
 he walked along toward the Government Build- 
 ing, at the entrance of which are mounted a 
 couple of cannons of .the Civil War, As he ap- 
 proached them he recognized the Confederate 
 veteran he had met at the Cyclorama of the 
 Battle of Missionary Ridge. 
 
 "Hullo thar!"he 
 exclaimed as he 
 extended his 
 hand. 
 
 " How are ye, 
 Majah !" replied the ex-Confede- 
 rate with the usual interro- 
 gative. 
 
 "Right smart. Kerne., and 
 the two old veterans bowed 
 graciously. 
 
 " Majah, I've been carried back 
 to the Wah by the sight of these 
 old cannons, sah." 
 
 "Yas, Kernel, and thet re- 
 
AROUND THE " PAN." 
 
 S3 
 
 minds me that we four, them two cannons and me and 
 you, make rayther a fine collection of War relics. Hey? 
 Well, sah, we may be relics and back numbers, sah, but 
 by gad, sah, it was a great Wah, sah. So great, sah, that 
 the late Spanish Wah looked like a popgun affair, sah." 
 
 And the ex- Confederate's bosom swelled with pride at the 
 recollection. 
 
 With this the pair marched with a military step and erect 
 bearing into Uncle Sam's Exhibition Building. 
 
 The Government exhibit is perhaps the finest and most 
 elaborate in the Exhibition, and Uncle Hank examined it 
 thoroughly. The Lighthouse models attracted him particu- 
 larly, as it was a subject with which he, in common with all New 
 Englanders, was quite familiar. He was closely inspecting the 
 construction of Minot's Lodge Light when he was startled by 
 a loud blast from the big foghorn just above him. 
 
 " By Gum !" he exclaimed, thet sounds like tew hum, daown 
 by Cape Cod, b' gosh." And after he had closely inspected the 
 
 THE MAN BEFORE THE OUN. 
 
54 AROUND THE « PAN." 
 
 THE SAURIAN MONSTKR. big Hoise produccr 
 he proceeded in 
 the direction of 
 the Ordnance De- 
 partment, as he 
 was much inter- 
 ested in " them 
 big guns." 
 
 After strolling 
 about through the 
 multitudinous ex- 
 hibits for about an 
 hour, he suddenly 
 exclaimed ,: 
 
 *' Je-roo-sa-lem ! 
 What a big cow !" 
 
 As he caught 
 sight of a huge an- 
 tediluvian fossil 
 which stood 
 mounted on a ped- 
 estal, near the en- 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 55 
 
 trance. It was indeed a monster, and easily the most con- 
 spicuous exhibit in the building. 
 
 The artistic groups of wax figures representing Indians en- 
 gaged in various avocations also attracted considerable atten- 
 tion on account of the remarkable fidelity to nature with which 
 they were arranged. After thoroughly examining the inter- 
 esting exhibits in this building, attention was next given to the 
 adjoining Fisheries Exhibit, which is beyond question the most 
 complete of the kind ever attempted, and beautifully illustrates 
 the various methods of fish propagation, and the boats and 
 apparatus used'by fishermen. 
 
 As our hero was strolling along the Plaza he was very much 
 astonished at meeting Miss Mehitable Muggs, a schoolmarm 
 from his native town. She greeted him with a smirk and ex- 
 tended her hand in friendly recognition. 
 
 " Well, I swan, Henry Slocum ! you here ? I didn't calklatc 
 tew meet any one on airth I knew out here," and Miss Mehi- 
 table's side curls bobbed up and down as she nodded her head 
 in a manner peculiar to her. 
 
 " Be yew alone, Miss Mehitable ?" inquired Uncle Hank, 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 57 
 
 " No, I just left Abbie Snodgrass up in the 
 Ethnolog-y Building- ; she's a-gitting material 
 for a debating society, and I thought as how 
 I'd stroll about ter see some of the sights." 
 
 " Wal, now doant yew git too near tew that 
 Midway, Mehitable, thar's some risky doins goin 
 over thar ; yer want to be keerful now." 
 
 And Uncle Hank winked at her slyly as he bid 
 good-by. He then seated himself at the foot 
 statue of Achilles, and as he was a little tired 
 hungry he reached down into his carpet bag and 
 
 UNCLE HANK MEETS MISS MEHITABLE 
 MUGGS. 
 
58 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 extracted therefrom a huge sandwich with which to appease 
 his hunger. Before doing so, however, he happened to ob- 
 serve Achilles' hand outstretched, so with a grin he removed 
 his hat and hung it on the hand above, remarking as he did so : 
 "By Gum, I'll make thet old warrior hold my hat while I 
 eat." 
 
 The day was warm and balmy, in fact a typical June day, and 
 the clear atmosphere made the statuary on the Government 
 Building stand out in strong relief. Uncle Hank's eyes were 
 rivetted on the beautiful horses m the group when he dropped 
 off in a gentle slumber. Soon he awoke with a start. 
 
 "Christopher Columbus ! I dreamt that them bosses waz so 
 full ov action that they jest leapt oflf their base inter the air." 
 And with this remark he picked up his cherished carpet bag 
 and resumed his sight-seeing. 
 
 The Ethnology Building is very popular 
 with visitors, although some of its exhibits 
 are rather gruesome. Its array of subjects 
 consists chiefly of articulated human skele- 
 tons, skulls and fragmentary bones from 
 Indian burial mounds. 
 
 A thick-lipped darkey from Dixie land 
 happened to poke his woolly head in at one 
 of the entrances one afternoon. His glance 
 fell on one of the dangling skeletons at the 
 door. This was enough for him. With a 
 frightened cry of " Ghos ' ! !" he fled pre- 
 cipitately. 
 
 Uncle Hank's remark, after carefully 
 scrutinizing the interior of the building, was 
 characteristic of him. 
 
 Seems ter me thet this is the place for 
 them Spiritualists tew hold ther see-ances 
 in," said he. 
 
6o 
 
 AROUND THE PAN." 
 
 The Temple of Music is a Mecca for all visitors who are 
 votaries of Wagner, Bach, or Mozart. Here are to be met 
 with the enthusiasts with voluminous locks, whose souls eagerly 
 absorb the heavenly melodies that emanate from the beautiful 
 Temple. 
 
 " Music hath such charms." 
 
 Director Gen. Buchanan is probably the busiest man at the 
 Exposition Headquarters, and is often seen walking around in 
 a deep brown study. It was on one of these occasions that 
 Uncle Hank came in contact with him. The shrewd Yankee 
 was musing on the possibilities of making money out of the 
 ECONOMY IN FOOD. opportunitics afforded by the Fair, and, as was often custom- 
 ary with him, he voiced his thoughts to the nearest bystander. 
 
 " By Jinks, ye could put advertisin' up on thet standard bearer 
 statoo and git big money for it, too. Jest take down that flag 
 and put up a big pan and paint somebody's pancakes onto it, 
 and there ye are, or at night jest run a string ov lanterns from 
 ther electric tower and put SAPOLIO on the lanterns. 
 Then thare's the canal all along them walls ; advertising space 
 could be sold thar." 
 
 He addressed his remarks to n pleasant-faced gfentleman 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 6i 
 
 standing at his 
 e 1 b o w, w li o 
 smiled as he 
 made his sug- 
 gestions. 
 
 "Well, as I 
 am Director 
 General, I sup- 
 pose I ought to 
 take your ideas 
 under advise- 
 m e n t. What 
 f u r t h er have 
 you got to 
 offer?" he in- 
 quired with an 
 indulgent 
 smile. 
 
 UNCLE KAKK MEETS THE DIRECTOR GENERAL. 
 
62 
 
 AROUND THE '« PAN." 
 
 UNCLK HANK RUNS A 
 FOOT RACE. 
 
 Unabashed Uncle Hank replied : 
 
 "Ye oughter hav a gold brick department. Them pesky- 
 smart Alecks up my way 'd buy em quick an the show 'd make 
 big- profits on the transaction. An' say, on ther quiet, don't 
 yer think some ot them statoos ought ter hav more clothes, 
 not that I object to the beautiful figgers, but then a feller some- 
 times has his wife along and then ." 
 
 The athletic contests in the Stadium savor much of the 
 antique, and really constitute one of the most attractive features 
 cf the Fair. 
 
 It was on the occasion of one of the most exciting contests 
 between rival associations that Uncle Hank found himself a 
 spectator perched away up on one of the top tiers of seats, and 
 a foot -race had just been started in which he took keen interest 
 
 as he had been 
 somewhat of a 
 sprinter himself 
 in his younger 
 days. In his en- 
 thusiasm he loud- 
 ly cheered the 
 victor, but at the 
 same time ex- 
 pressed his belief 
 that he could 
 distance any of 
 them ; this was 
 said in such a 
 loud tone that it 
 provoked a jeer- 
 ing laugh in the 
 immediate 
 vicinity. 
 
 Uncle Hank 
 
 ^ ^ <ft <^ 
 
UNCLE HANK CHALLENGES THE WINNER OF THE RACE. 
 
64 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 thereupon challenged the winner to run him a hundred- 
 yard dash. The prospect of having some fun out of the 
 matter, and the contests of the day being over, a match was 
 readily arranged ; so our hero and the young athlete, accom- 
 panied by a score of friends, proceeded to the upper end of the 
 track, where the Yankee divested himself of his coat and hat 
 with the remark that " He guessed he'd show them young cubs 
 he could run a bit," and the crowd was very good-natured and 
 loudly cheered him. At the crack of a pistol they were off. 
 
 Now Uncle Hank was shrewd enough to know that he could 
 not beat this young sprinter, but that he had something up his 
 sleeve developed early in the race. Before he had gone very 
 far he reached out his hand and placed it on the shoulder of 
 his antagonist in such a manner that he could not be detected 
 by those in the rear ; of course, this was resented by his rival, 
 but nevertheless Uncle Hank managed to 
 keep abreast, and when the final spurt was 
 being the fresher, actually won the 
 
 racers returned to the stand 
 there was a vigorous protest 
 on the part of the defeated 
 athlete, but the crowd only 
 jeered and laughed down his 
 protest, and Uncle Hank was 
 the hero of the hour. 
 
 From the Stadium to the Liberal Arts Building 
 is but a step, qT^^ as most of the people seemed to 
 be going in that direction Uncle 
 Hank followed the crowd, which is 
 always a good thing to do at the 
 Exposition, as interesting places are 
 as sure to draw the crowds as the 
 magnet is sure to attract the needle. 
 
 laull: hank wins the race. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 65 
 
 The building of the Liberal Arts is admirably planned for its 
 purpose, being- well lighted and commodious, its broad aisles 
 showing to the best advantage the artis- 
 tic exhibits of a multitude of manufac- 
 turers. A small booth was devoted to 
 the sale of crystal glass paper-weights 
 and souvenirs. One of the paper-weights 
 contained a design of two monkeys 
 grasping hands after the manner of the 
 females on the well-known trade mark 
 of the Pan-American Exposition. It was 
 quite funny in Uncle Hank's estimation^ 
 and he immediately proceeded to bar- 
 gain for one with the pretty girl in at- 
 tendance. 
 
 " A quarter a piece or five for a dol- 
 lar ?" said he ; "let's see, that's four fer 
 seventy-five cent s — 
 three fer a half — two . — ^ 
 fer a quarter — and one 
 for nothin'. I guess I'll 
 take one !" and he - 
 laughed quite heartily Q 
 at his display of finan- 
 cial sagacity. He finally 
 agreed to take one for a 
 quarter of a dollar if she 
 would agree to refund 
 the money if he brought 
 her customers for the 
 other four, and before ^ 
 he returned home he y 
 induced Miss Mehitable 
 and her companion to 
 
 BARGAINING FOR A 
 
 SOUVENIR. 
 
 UNCLE HANKS SCHEME FOR THE "STANDARD BEARER 
 
UNCLE hank's suggestion FOR ADVERTISING SPACE. 
 
AROUND THE «' PAN. 
 
 67 
 
 buy the other four, and thus got his money returned. A little 
 further up the aisle he came to a most elaborate display of 
 finely upholstered furniture ; one suite in particular was 
 very elegant, and as he was 
 somewhat fatigued after 
 his foot race he stretched 
 himself out at full length 
 on the softly upholstered 
 chairs and remarked : 
 
 **Ther accommerdashuns 
 at this Fair is sartinly fine, 
 an I don't mind givin em 
 credit fer it. — Now when I 
 wazup tew our County Fair, 
 gol durn it, yer had tew 
 squat on tew ther boxes an 
 bales an they even made us 
 eat our lunches where ther 
 bosses was tied. By crackee, 
 when 1 git back tew hum 
 I'm goin tew tell old Deacon 
 Sparregrass thet his Com- 
 mittee don't know how tew 
 run fairs. Ye see, ye hev 
 tew travel to git inferma- 
 shun, an when I git it I 
 don't mind letting others 
 hev their benefit ov it." 
 
 He then laid back on the 
 cushions and certainly 
 looked comfortable and 
 was just considering the ad- 
 visability of opening his 
 ever trusty carpet bag and 
 
 "A QUARTER A PIECE OR FIVE FOR A DOLLAR?" SAID HE ; " LEt'S SEE, THAT's 
 FOUR FER SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS — THREE FER A HALF — TWO FER A QUARTER— 
 AND ONE FER NOTHIN'. I GUESS i'lL TAKE ONE '" 
 
68 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 regaling himself with his luncheon, when his attention was 
 suddenly arrested by a large placard placed immediately above 
 his head, which read as follows : 
 
 THIS 
 
 magnificent 
 Parlor Suite 
 
 MADE FOR 
 
 President Slobb 
 
 OF THE 
 
 Steel Trust 
 AT A cost 
 
 OF 
 
 $100,000. 
 
 UWCLE HANK. ENJOYING XHK HOSi'lTAWXY OF A FURNITURE EXHIBITOR. 
 
UNCLE HANK MEETS WILLIAM T. BRYAN, 
 
70 
 
 AROUND THE " PAN." 
 
 UNCLE HANK MEETS 
 
 WILLIAM J. BRYAN. 
 
 Uncle Hank was so much astonished that he tumbled out of 
 the chair and made off with his carpet bag and umbrella before 
 he could be discovered trespassing on such valuable property. 
 On emerging from the Liberal Arts Building our hero was 
 hustled unceremoniously by a concourse of people fol- 
 lowing a party of distinguished-looking personages, 
 among whom he recognized the well-known figure of 
 William J. Bryan, who was walking directly toward 
 him. 
 
 As the late Presidential candidate approached him 
 he shot out his hand for a shake, and Mr. Bryan, seeing 
 an honest-looking far- 
 mer standing before 
 him, promptly grasp- 
 ed his extended hand. 
 
 " Kernel Bryan," 
 said he, "yerdoin the 
 wisest thing yer ever 
 did in yer life in sayin 
 ye won't run for offis 
 again ; jest keep it 
 up, an when ther peo- 
 ple get tew thinkin 
 thet ye don't want the 
 offis, b'gosh they'll 
 make ye take it." 
 
 Mr. Bryan laughed quite heartily at this sally. 
 One of the pleasant features of the Exposition is the 
 excellent music supplied by the different bands stationed 
 at convenient places throughout the grounds. Uncle 
 Hank seated himself on one of the green benches to 
 regale himself with the melodious strains from the 
 74th Regiment band, which was playing near the 
 Government Building, and as he was very tired 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 71 
 
 he stretched out full length and was soon slumbering peace- 
 fully. 
 
 It is hard to tell how long he would have slept had he not 
 been awakened by a policeman, who asked him if he had lost 
 anything, and if he had "like as not that felly runnin there has 
 
 "THEK DISAPPEAKINO GUN, AN' THER DISAPPEARING SON-OF-A-GUN ! — I'VE SEEN 
 
 EM BOTH NOW." 
 
72 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 THE "INNER MAN. 
 
 got it !" at the same time pointing to a fleeing figure just dis- 
 appearing behind the disappearing gun. Uncle Hank then 
 discovered that his seventy-five cent Ansonia watch was gone. 
 After he had fully awakened, he rubbed his eyes and senten- 
 tiously observed : *' Ther disappearing gun, an' ther disappear- 
 ino; son-of-a-gun ! I've seen em both now." 
 
 With a look of disgust on his honest old face at this phase of 
 human depravity, he slowly made his way to the exit. 
 
 The good or bad reputation of pleasure resorts is often deter- 
 mined by the good or bad meals obtainable. A pleasure trip 
 in which the " inner man " was satisfactorily entertained is 
 always pleasantly remembered, and a sight-seeing journey is 
 doubly satisfying if, at the end of the day's jaunt, a well-cooked 
 repast is at hand. 
 
 " Man grows on what he feeds." 
 
 So well understood was this that Napoleon, if possible, never 
 went to battle until his troops had had their rations, and Ad- 
 miral Lord Nelson invariably served grog before his ships 
 went into action. 
 
 A very noticeable feature of the crowds going into the Expo- 
 sition was the almost universal custom of carrying lunch boxes. 
 The restaurant facilities of the " Pan " were good, but the 
 prices were somewhat high, for concessions cost money, and it 
 took money to build the Fair. 
 
 Two ragged specimens of humanity, who had evidently 
 "jumped the fence," expressed disgust at the lack of lunching 
 facilities one day. 
 
 " I say, pard, I wouldn't er came ef I knowed thar waz no 
 free lunch layout." 
 
 "An' dey don't give out no food samples to de likes ov us!" 
 growled the other in disgust. And the pair shambled off in 
 response to a threatening gesture by a policeman who was 
 eying them suspiciously, and who entertained no friendly 
 feeling for impecunious visitors. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 73 
 
 The Bailey Catering Company controlled the principal res- 
 taurant concessions, and it was into one of their establishments 
 our friend found himself at noon. 
 
 " What d'yer charge fer coffee ?" inquired he of a pert little 
 waitress. 
 
 " Ten cents," was the reply. 
 
 "Fer a cup? 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 '* Wal, jest bring me a cup ov coffee." 
 
 And when the waitress walked off to fill the order he reached 
 down to his ever faithful carpet bag and extracted therefrom a 
 large apple pie. 
 
 ** Ten Cents fer a fine pie like thet down in Buff aler agin Ten 
 Cents fer a skimpy little piece here. — Wal, I patronizes Buffaler 
 every time." And he promptly proceeded to hide his Buffalo 
 purchase in his capacious maw. 
 
 Uncle Hank now resolved that he would tackle The Agri- 
 cultural Building next. Just as he entered he was confronted 
 by a colossal plaster model of the Goddess of Light which 
 surmounted the Electrical Tower almost 400 feet from the 
 ground. This white model, however, was only a few feet from 
 the floor of the building, and its beauteous proportions were 
 strikingly displayed, in fact, it was the biggest thing in nude 
 art that had been seen for many a day and many a spouse had 
 given her husband's coat tail an urgent tug in passing it. 
 
 Of course, it attracted Uncle Hank, and elicited from him the 
 observation '* Thet Goddess of Light was durned lightly 
 dressed, but by ginger, she's a beauty, an I reckon she 
 wouldn't look half ez attractiv with them tight skirts an high 
 French heels an picture hats thet the wimmen ez wearin now 
 days. Them artists knows how tew make ther fair six attractiv 
 an I wont pretend tew criticiz em." 
 
 And the old gentleman pursued his way in search of new 
 adventures. 
 
 ECONOMY IN FOOD 
 
74 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS. 
 
 *'OI WONDTHER IS THOT WHOT CLANCY MEANT WHIN 
 HE SAID OI WAS A PUNKIN HEAD." 
 
 Near the centre of the building there was a display of fine 
 pumpkins, before one of which stood a son of Erin, with a very 
 puzzled expression on his face as he gave vent to his feelings. 
 
 " I wondher is thot whot Clancy meant whin he sed Oi was 
 a punkin hed ?" and his indignation was plainly reflected on his 
 face as he contemplated the prize vegetable with its profusion 
 of warty excrescences. 
 
 The display of old ploughs caught Uncle Hank's attention, 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 75 
 
 A farmer's philosophy. 
 
 and he examined them very critically, as the sight of them 
 broug-ht him back to the days of his youth, when he had trav- 
 eled many a mile in following furrows thrown up by just such 
 ploughs. 
 
 " They ain't no money in farmin' nowdays. When ever I see 
 ploughin' done now, I alius think thars a hoss at one end ov 
 ther plough an' a jackass at tother end." 
 
 After scrutinizing the agricultural exhibits from South 
 American countries and commenting on the fact that they 
 were "not in it" with "Californy," he continued: 
 
 "Ye kaint beat Californy nohow in raisin' fine fruits, an 
 monster trees, an the ony thing South Ameriky kin beat her in 
 raisin' ez in raisin' revolooshuns." 
 
 He whiled away considerable time among the agricultural 
 exhibits, and like a true Yankee profited largely by his investi- 
 gations. He now proceeded toward the Electrical Building, 
 and had not gone far in this building when he encountered a 
 huge lump of pure India rubber, which was, as a placard 
 announced, the largest lump of rubber in the world. A tall, 
 
AROUND THE ''PAN.' 
 
 tHk YANKEES 
 OF THE 
 ORIENT, 
 
 A REAL JAP TAKES A RIDE IN A JINRICKSHA DRAWN BY AN IMITATION JAP. 
 
 gaunt individual was craning his neck to get a good look at it. 
 "What do they make out of that, mister?" he inquired. 
 
 " Rubber necks !" promptly responded the facetious attend- 
 ant, to the very evident disgust of the inquirer. 
 
 On the Midway Uncle Hank encountered a jinricksha with a 
 real Jap riding and an imitation Jap (who was palpably of 
 Italian origin) pulling, which caused him to smile as he 
 
a 
 o 
 Q 
 
 s 
 
 < 
 
 X 
 
 5t! 
 
 O 
 
 o 
 
 s 
 
 p 
 
 w 
 X 
 H 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 79 
 
 remarked that " thern Japs is rapidly larnin the ways of civili- 
 zashun— them's the Yankees ov ther orient an I reckon the fust 
 thing ye know they'll hev a Monroe doctrine ovther own that'll 
 give them Rooshins an Germans something tew think abaout." 
 
 Man's ingenuity is never made so manifest as when displayed 
 in machinery, and Americans certainly surpass all others in 
 this domain. 
 
 Machinei y Hall amply repaid the visitor. Its popularity was 
 manifested in many ways. 
 Crowds surrounded the many 
 complicated machines and in- 
 tently watched their perform- 
 ances. 
 
 Uncle Hank, being a genuine 
 Yankee, took an intense interest 
 in everything of a mechanical 
 nature on exhibition, from the 
 tiny pin machine to the colossal 
 locomotives in the Transporta- 
 tion Building. He was in a par- 
 ticularly quizzical mood as he 
 approached an attendant in 
 Machinery Hall. 
 
 " I say," said he, " what's ther 
 biggest masheen ye got ?" 
 
 "Well, there's a machine over 
 there that's hard to beat," replied he, pointing to a monster 
 near the centre of the building. 
 
 " Wal, I don't see anything great here," retorted Uncle Hank. 
 
 "Well, you must be hard to please," replied the attendant, 
 
 in evident disgust. 
 
 "Oh, no, I ain't," replied Uncle Hank, "only you haven't 
 got the most wonderful masheenery here by a long shot. Why, 
 thar's a masheen down in York State thet hez got its fly-wheel 
 
 THE WONDERS OF 
 MACHINERY. 
 
 HE SPENT ALL HIS TIME IN 
 MACHINERY HALL. 
 
8o 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 TME TOMPLATT MACHINE. 
 
 in Albany, and its piston rod runs clear down tew New York 
 City, an' its shaftin' runs away out to Buffler, and its beltin' ex- 
 tends tew Rochester, Syracuse, Elmiry, Tiogy, an' clean down 
 ther Mohawk Valley, an' its furnace is down in Wall street, 
 while its lever is in ther Fifth Avenoo Hotel." 
 
 Well, for heaven's sake ! What machine are you referring 
 to?" inquired the attendant in astonishment. 
 
 " Why, Tom Piatt's political masheen !" and Uncle Hank 
 keenly enjoyed the amazement of his companion. 
 
 "om Machinery Hall he made his way to the Transportation 
 Building, and spent a couple of hours climbing over the mon- 
 ster locomotives and freight cars. When he came to the old- 
 fashioned locomotive with its name " De Witt Clinton " on its 
 side, and contrasted it with the modern railway giants, he could 
 not help reminiscing. 
 
 " By ginger, how fast this world's movin' nowdays — and ther 
 aint nothin thet shows it like them locomotives." 
 
 After leaving the Transportation Building Uncle Hank 
 made his way to the Horticultural Building. Flowers in pro- 
 fusion greeted the visitors on entering. The walls of the build- 
 ing were covered with bas reliefs, twining vines, etc. In the 
 conservatories which connect this building with others were 
 rare exhibits of hot-house plants, but as Uncle Hank was not 
 of the hot-house variety, he did not tarry long here. 
 
 At the southwestern end of the Esplanade and connected to 
 the Horticultural Building by an arcade, which was used as a 
 conservatory for flowers, was the Mines Building. Square in 
 design, with four square corner towers and a loggia of three 
 arches forming the entrances to the building, which was lighted 
 by means of a glass skylight in the centre of the roof. 
 
 The beautiful colored fountains at the base of the tall Elec- 
 trical Tower were an attractive part of the Pan-American 
 Exposition. 
 
 Clouds of brilliantly colored spray were thrown high up into 
 
AROUND THE " PAN." 
 
 8i 
 
 the air, the prismatic colors changing constantly. Salvos of 
 applause greeted this beautiful exhibition every night, and, in 
 conjunction with the music of the Bands near by, the scene 
 was indeed fairy-like. 
 
 The gondoliers were very expert with their single oars, and 
 races between them were of frequent occurrence, in which the 
 
 passengers invari- 
 ably took keen inter- 
 est, and by offering 
 rewards for victory 
 engendered fi e r c e 
 jealousy among the 
 hot-blooded Italians. 
 
 It was laughable 
 to witness a race in 
 which a constant 
 stream of vitupera- 
 tion flowed from one 
 to the other, which 
 (being in ItaUan) was 
 not understood or 
 comprehended by the 
 passengers. 
 
 " Go it. Peanuts !" 
 would be the cry from 
 one of the boats. "We'll make up a purse fc^r you if you win." 
 
 Then a passenger would rise up in the rival gondola, and by 
 a liberal reward encourage their oarsman to do his best, and 
 the passengers invariably got the worth of their money. 
 
 Uncle Hank resolved that he would take a try at the gon- 
 dolas, and he was wise in concluding to do so, as a ride around the 
 Exposition on the waterways gave an excellent idea of its beauty. 
 
 He perched himself on the bow end and was thoroughly 
 enjoying his ride alone. Just as the boat was approaching the 
 
 THE RIVAL GONDOLIKRB. 
 
82 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 Triumphal Bridge he took it into his head to try a little Wishing, 
 and before the boatman could divine his purpose he straddled 
 out on the extreme end of the gondola, to the great consterna- 
 tion of the oarsman. After a little vigorous rocking the boat 
 came back to quietude once more, and he remarked, as he gave 
 up his attempt, " Seems ter me he's a poor sailor ; ef he'd try 
 Bosting Bay a bit, he wouldn't git so skeered in a bit of pond 
 water." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 83 
 
 Uncle Hank was loquacity personified. He would, on the 
 slio;htest provocation, unburden himself to any bystander who 
 would care to listen to him ; and as he was an interesting talker 
 he soon had his hearers not only interested but convulsed with 
 laughter at his quaint way of expressing himself. 
 
 His recital of his experiences in "Moosic" Hall, to a group of 
 sightseers evoked salvos of laughter. Said he : 
 
 " Wal, I was jest meanderin around thet Moosic Hall an' thinks 
 I, I'll look in a bit an' see thet big organ, when jest as I popped 
 in a gentleman in a frock coat grabbed me by the hand an' sed 
 he waz glad ter see me, an' shoved me ahead of him right up 
 ter the key board an' sez he, ' Yer moosic's all ready fer ye !' 
 an' before I knew he hed me seated at the big overpowerin 
 organ in front of ther hull congregashun. Jest then it occurred 
 tew me thet ther organ player hed disappinted 'em, an' they 
 wanted me ter play, but all I cud play was them hymns 
 we had at our church an' they didn't mount tew much nohow 
 However, I seed I waz in fer it an sez I tew myself, here goes ! 
 I '11 do ther best I can an' I starts ther masheen on Old Hun- 
 dred an' iher Doxology. Fust I pulled out two or three ov 
 ther buttons an' pressed both feet hard down on ther brakes an' 
 played slow like, then I put on a little more steam an' pulled 
 out sum more buttons an' she snorted like a hull brass band in 
 a cyclone, an' ther congregashun clapped ther hands, an' I waz 
 goin' tew give 'em another tune when the gentleman in the 
 frock coat come up tew me and sed he wanted ter see me out- 
 side, so I follored him thinkin' they waz gom' tew thank me fer 
 playin', when he sez, *Air you Perferser Schwannfussel,' or 
 somethin' like thet, an' I sez, * Naw, I 'm no Perferser, I 'm 
 Henry Slocum from Medf ord ;' and then a wila-eyed, long-haired 
 Dutchman with a big roll of moosic under his arm walked right 
 up tew ther orgin and bowed right an' left tew ther congrega- 
 shun, and they clapped him jest as they did me, but he couldn't 
 play anything thet sounded like moosic, so I jest thot I wouldn't 
 
 THE YANKEE ORGANIST. 
 
 i 
 
AROUND THE ^'PAN." 
 
 85 
 
 waste my time listenin' tew his practisin', for if ther's any- uncle hank treed. 
 thin' I lose patiense with, it's listenin' tew people practisin" 
 moosic," and the old gentleman winked knowingly at the 
 bystanders. 
 
 At the northern entrance to Agricultural Hall there were 
 some fine specimens of California redwood trees cut in sections 
 to show their enormous proportions, one of which was hollowed 
 out, with an opening cut at the side. It was easily possible for 
 a couple of score of people to stand within its interior. This 
 monster tree appealed strongly to Uncle Hank's admiration 
 and he lost no time in investigating its interior. "By Ginger," 
 he exclaimed in amazement, " when I tell em tew hum ther 
 size ov them trees they'll say I waz drinkin' tew much hard 
 cider when I waz up tew Buffler," 
 
 There was a vast difference between Pan-American Exhibit- 
 ors, as some exhibited for glory and others for profit ; of the latter 
 class the Optical Exhibitors were perhaps the most prominent, 
 as their exhibits were to be found in almost every building and 
 their importunities were often annoying to sightseers. 
 
 A matronly-looking old lady was passing an optical manu- 
 facturers exhibit in the Electrical Building when she was 
 approached by one of the attendants with the request that she 
 would examine the wonderful eye glasses exhibited by his 
 firm ; and being loath to purchase she evaded his request. But 
 the salesman was not to be denied. 
 
 Madame, our glasses are the most perfect specimens of the 
 Oculist's Art ; they are made from pure rock crystal." But his 
 most persuasive manner did not convince the old lady that she 
 required his glasses. 
 
 " I tell you that I don't wear glasses," she protested. 
 
 " Madame, can you read that ?" the eye-glass salesman per- 
 sistently inquired, at the same time handing her a card on which 
 some very fine type was printed, so fine, indeed, that it would 
 take exceedingly sharp eyesight to read it. f" 1 
 
86 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 The old lady took the card, and holding it upside down, 
 nodded her head affirmatively, declaring she could read it. 
 
 The salesman doubted her and resolved to pursue the matter 
 further in the hope of making a possible purchaser. 
 
 "Why, Madame !" he exclaimed, " we sold a pair of our match- 
 less concave, convex, achromatic, non-distorting glasses - to 
 Uncle Russell Sage, and now he sees two dollars where formerly 
 he saw but one." 
 
 At this juncture our friend Uncle Hank appeared upon the 
 scene, and as he approached he overheard the last remark made 
 by the salesman. 
 
 " So ye sold Uncle Russell glasses thet made him see double, 
 did ye ? Wal, thet ain't nothin' ; daown in Nu York ye kin git 
 glasses thet'l make ye see double fer a nickel a piece." A 
 broad grin suffused his countenance as he got off this bon mot. 
 
 The salesman now turned his attention to the countryman 
 and as he was a shrewd judge of human nature he adopted 
 different tactics in his efforts to make a sale. 
 
 " Now I don't suppose I can interest you in glasses, for I don't 
 suppose you need them, as I judge your eyesight is very good." 
 
 This had the desired effect, as it tickled the old man's vanity. 
 
 "Wall, my sight used to be good, but jest now it ain't what it 
 oughter be. Let's look at some of yer glasses." With this the 
 pair entered the enclosure to inspect the lenses. 
 
 Finally, after much searching, a pair of glasses was secured 
 that just suited our hero's eyes, and with an inward chuckle he 
 proceeded to "bargain." 
 
 " I say, be these the kind ye sold tew Russell Sage ?" he 
 inquired. 
 
 " The very kind, sir, and I can recommend them." 
 
 " Wall, jest put them on till I see how they become ye." 
 
 And as the salesman adjusted them to his eyes 
 the countryman handed him a dollar note folded 
 up, and reached for the glasses. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 87 
 
 " Hold up !" the salesman exclaimed, as he discovered the 
 denomination of the bank note. " The glasses are $2 and his is 
 only one dollar." 
 
 " Yas, and didn't ye jest say them waz the same kind ye sold 
 tew Mr. Sage ?" interrogated Hank. 
 
 "Well.?" 
 
 "An didn't ye say that they made him see two dollars whar 
 ther waz only one, an' ye hed 'em on when I giv' yer ther dollar; 
 either yer glasses lie or you don't hitch up close tew ther 
 truth." And Uncle Hank noted the salesman's discomfiture 
 with evident satisfaction, and after a hearty laugh at his ex- 
 pense he produced another dollar and departed with his 
 purchase. 
 
 Our Yankee friend now proceeded to make his way towards 
 a crowd that was listening intently to a long discourse on the 
 wonders and mysteries of the art of Palmistry delivered by a 
 glib-tongued "'barker." 
 
 "Palmistry, my friends, is an exact science," he declaimed ; 
 "by the lines in your hands we can determine your past, pres- 
 ent and future ; we can tell you how long you will live, how 
 short you will love, and lift aside the veil of the future, and 
 let you gaze into the misty past." 
 
 As Uncle Hank was bent upon sreing everything worth see- 
 ing at the Exposition he resolved to take in this little diversion. 
 Accordingly he divested himself of a quarter and entered the 
 portals of this mysterious chamber of Palmistry. As he entered 
 he noticed that there were several victims like himself, await- 
 ing theft- turn on a settee in the center of the large room, 
 around the borders of which were located the small, curtained 
 booths of the several palmists. After waiting a short time an 
 attendant requested him to step into one of the booths. As he 
 entered he was pleasantly greeted by a stout, middle-aged 
 female who politely requested him to be seated, at the same 
 time designating a chair at the opposite side of the table at 
 
 A YANKEE BARGAIN. 
 
' 1 s'roSK VK'vF, CrOT THER HANDS ALT. MAPPED OUT." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 89 
 
 which she was seated. Uncle Hank took a swift inventory of 
 the interior of the booth before reaching over his hands to be 
 examined. 
 
 " I s'pose ye 've got ther hands all mapped out so's ye can tell 
 a man's crackter jest by the look of ther wrinkles." 
 
 "Yes," she smilingly replied; "the lines in the hands are 
 sure guides to the character. Now, this line extending as it 
 does from the Mount of Jupiter to the region of Mars and into 
 Venus, indicates a distinctly heroic career with a succession of 
 difficulties successfully overcome ; and furthermore, the 
 strength of the line in the vicinity of the Mount of Venus prog- 
 nosticates an experience with the fair sex that is sure to be 
 flattering." As she delivered this diagnosis she pointed with 
 her index finger to a deep line that extended nearly across the 
 palm. 
 
 " Dew ye mean thet all thet is showed in thet scar ?" inquired 
 Hank in an amused manner. 
 
 " Scar ! did you say ?" exclaimed the palm expert. 
 
 " Yas," replied Hank, " thet was made by a scythe blade one 
 • afternoon last summer when I waz mowin' the medder back ov 
 ther hog pen." 
 
 The Palmist was not a bit nonplussed, and in the most polite 
 manner asked to see his other hand which Uncle Hank extended, 
 with a broad smile lighting up his good-natiired countenance. 
 
 After closely scrutinizing the lines, and predicting a series of 
 adventures and a long life by the length of the life line. Uncle 
 Hank remarked that he ought to be able to hang on to life, 
 seeing that he was possessed of such a good life line. 
 
 With this our hero departed, not fully convinced of the abso- 
 lute reliabihty of the science of Palmistry. As he emerged 
 from the building he soliloquized on the gullability of mankind 
 in general. 
 
 "Oh, Credulity, 
 
 Thou hast many ears as Fame has tongues 
 
 Open to every sound of truth as falsehood." — Harvard. 
 
90 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 A DISCIPLE OF BARNUM. 
 
 " Old Phineas T. Barnum used ter say ther publik liked ter 
 be humbugged, an' bless'd ef I don't think he waz abaout rite, fer 
 jest look at the crowd aroun' thet fakir tyin' hisself up with 
 thet rope an' pertendin^ he's goin' ter do a trick with it, an' he's 
 only humbuggin' 'em ter git ther attenshun tew his show." As 
 he delivered himself of this soliloquy, he walked over to where 
 the "Fakir" was holding forth, to listen to his harangue. 
 
 " This feat was performed by the great Hermann just before 
 his death and the secret was purchased by us at an enormous 
 expense ; but before I fully tie up this man I want to call your 
 attention to the attraction we have to offer on the inside for the 
 small sum of twenty-five cents. Now don't go away before see- 
 ing our wonderful exhibition, if you go back home and say you 
 have not seen it, the finger of ridicule will be pointed at you, 
 and your long trip to the Pan-American Exposition will be a 
 woeful failure and you will never forgive yourselves." 
 
 The speaker was a long, attenuated specimen of humanity. 
 He had tied up his assistant with a long rope and the crowd 
 stood agape with expectancy. Just as Uncle Hank had 
 remarked, his object was to attract attention by pretending to 
 do some feat of legerdemain and thereby bring to notice the 
 attractions of the show. But the crowd had been fooled so 
 often that when the promised feat was not performed, the 
 assemblage moved on in search of other attractions despite the 
 pleadings of the "barker." 
 
 " Of course," he would shout, " if you haven't got the price, 
 I can't expect to do business with you !" — " If it was a free 
 show how you'd all crowd in." 
 
 There was a deal of truth in the last remark, and Uncle 
 Hank fell a victim to this tendency of mankind in general to 
 profit by " free gifts." 
 
 It was on the occasion of his visit to the Liberal Arts Build- 
 ing. Here a number of the exhibitors gave samples of the 
 foods they exhibited with the double purpose of advertising 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 91 
 
 their products, and at the same time secure orders for the same 
 from the beneficiaries. It is needless to say that where these 
 samples were given out the crowds were always dense. Uncle 
 Hank's inherent curiosity induced him to investigate, with the 
 result that he soon became as eager as the others to secute the 
 free samples ; indeed, it soon occurred to him that it was possi- 
 ble to obtain a rather substantial free lunch in this manner. 
 The first exhibit to catch his eye was that of Quaker Oats, 
 where some very pretty girls attired as Quakeresses were busy 
 handing out saucers of oatmeal, one of which was soon secured 
 by the old man and devoured with a smack of the lips. He 
 was now a full-fledged " Free Sample Fiend," and vied with the 
 rest in securing the free samples. 
 
 He next proceeded to the Aunt Jamima Booth, and from the 
 old colored mammy got one of her griddle cakes ; then he 
 crossed the aisle to Horlick's Malted Milk, and from the young 
 lady in attendance sampled a nice cup of their product ; after 
 gallantly complimenting the actendant on the excellence^ of 
 malted milk in general and Horlick's in particular by saying 
 that he often drank malt liquors, but " malted milk is sartinly 
 fine!" His appetite was now whetted and he proceeded 
 down the line. His next onslaught was at the Artistic Kitchen 
 of the Washburn-Crosby Flour Company. Here was exhibited 
 the complete process of making flour into the most delicious- 
 looking bread imaginable, every stage of making was shown, 
 and finally when the baking in the quaint old Dutch oven was 
 complete, the samples of bread, nicely buttered, were handed 
 out to the eager crowd, and our hero succeeded in getting his 
 goodly share. Then he followed the crowd into the enclosure 
 of the American Coffee Company, and after drinking a cup of 
 very fragrant coffee, he made his way to the Erie County 
 Preserving Company's stand and tried a slab of their peerless 
 mince pie, also a liberal allowance of preserves ; he was now 
 pretty well filled up with a conglomeration of food samples, 
 
 UNCLE HANK SAMPLES 
 THK SAMPLl!^. 
 
92 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 "THE FREE SAMPLES WERE GETTING IN THEIR DEADLY WORK." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 93 
 
 when he spied Heinz's Pickle Pavilion (57 varieties) ; he started 
 in on sweet pickles, then tackled apple butter, then some 
 pickles and India Relish, and finally wound up with pine-apple 
 preserves. He was about to go when he thought he would 
 secure another pickle. He was muching this when he was sud- 
 denly seized with griping pains in his stomach. 
 
 He repaired to an unfrequented corner of the building so as 
 to attract no attention, and with both hands on his abdomen 
 writhed in pain ; the samples were getting in their deadly 
 work. 
 
 " Gee whiz 1" he exclaimed ; " et's that blasted mince pie— 
 oh ! I'll die ef this keeps up. I guess it's them. pickles— er ther 
 presarves." 
 
 The perspiration was streaming down his pallid face and he 
 was a woebegone object to look at. He lost no time in mak- 
 ing his way out of the building, intending to search for the 
 hospital on the grounds, as the pain was becoming intolerable.. 
 He had proceeded but a short distance when he spied an ambu- 
 lance with a young physician standing by, to whom he related 
 his troubles and his fears. 
 
 " Been eating something that doesn't agree with you, eh ? - 
 exclaimed the doctor. " Well, just wait a bit ; I can fix you up." 
 With this he reached for his medicine chest, and opening it he 
 produced a bottle of lime water and a small vial of cholera 
 drops. In a few moments he prepared a dose that soon quieted 
 the rebellious stomach of our stricken hero, but the lesson was 
 a good one and it lasted Uncle Hank for many a day. " What 
 a consarned fool a man is tew abuse his best friend, his stum- 
 mick an I'm sartinly old enough tew know a heap sight better, 
 but th' older ye git ther more foolish yer be," he morosely 
 observed as he made his way home at the end of the day, a 
 sadder and a wiser man. 
 
 A FOOD SAMPLE 
 
94 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 HOW THEY "DO 
 THE "PAN." 
 
 Uncle Hank had no particular system of "doing" the "Pan." 
 As Roy McCardell says : "The leopard can change his spots 
 (notwithstanding legends to the contrary); he can move to 
 another spot." So it was with the countryman; he changed 
 his spots quite frequently, as did the majority of visitors to the 
 Exposition. Some would come with well-defined plans as to 
 how they would "do" the show, but when a blare of trumpets 
 and a volley of musketry would emanate from a remote corner 
 of the Exposition grounds and the crowd would rush pell mell 
 in that direction, then all prearranged plans would be aban- 
 doned, and an unconquerable desire to follow the crowd would 
 be gratified. 
 
 The first question asked by ladies on entering the Manufac- 
 turers Building was invariably, " Where is the Singer Exhibit ?" 
 Its fame had spread among the fair sex, as indeed it should, for 
 Its display of marvelous embroidered work in its beautiful 
 pavilion was unsurpassed. In his perambulations throuo-hout 
 the Exposition Uncle Hank happened to wander into the circu- 
 lar pavilion occupied by this famous sewing machine company 
 and as he was a true-born Yankee he was always interested in 
 machines. A young lady was engaged in showing a group the 
 wonderful capabilities of the "Singer" when Uncle Hank ven- 
 tured the suggestion that he could "do a bit with the masheen 
 hisself." 
 
 The young lady operator banteringly doubted this and offered 
 him a chance to try, and when he essayed to take possession of 
 the sewing machine there was a titter of amusement from the 
 young lady attendants who closely surrounded him as he pro- 
 ceeded to show what he could do. He looked very awkward 
 at the machine when he started to adjust a piece of cambric 
 but his apparent awkwardness was due to his anxiety to play a 
 trick on the jeering girls, who audibly commented on his big 
 country hands and boldly intimated that he was better qualified 
 tor handling plows and cultivators. However, this did not dis- 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 95 
 
 concert him, and he placed the piece of cambric under the 
 needle and without attracting their attention he slyly secured 
 a dangling ribbon from one young ladies' costume and jomed 
 it to a flounce of another standing by, and passed them under 
 the needle in such a manner that when he finished sewing 
 they were sewed together like the Siamese twins. When 
 Hank got up from the machine they discovered the trick, and a 
 wild scream of laughter from all the bystanders present greeted 
 the exploit. 
 
 "Naow, gals," he exclaimed, "don't never make fun ov yer 
 daddy agin." 
 
 In the Louisiana exhibit Uncle Hank good-naturedly asked : 
 "Say, kin yer tell me whar them pelican birds be--them thet 
 kerry thar young in ther bills and stand all day on one foot." 
 
 The birds have all gone to the natatorium to have a swim," 
 suavely replied the man in charge, winking aside. 
 
 "Well, by gum ! thet is awful queer— they be the only cree- 
 turs down yer way thet take to water, eh ? " 
 
 The man laughed and said: "You are not the big emerald 
 stone that I imagined you to be. Look at our pomegranates, 
 and plant some on your farm. They are the original fruit from 
 Persia, the land where Omar Khayyam lived, wrote and drank 
 wine. Do you know Khayyam ?" 
 
 " Well, yer guess yer boots, I do, young feller! He is one ot 
 them konundrum fellers that ther women folks fine societies 
 ter see ef they can't figger out what he is writin' about. Yer 
 see, I aint sot on a village dry goods box Saturdays fur nothin'. 
 Say, honest, I hev one thing agin you Lousiana boys that I 
 can't forgit and forgiv' exactly." 
 
 " What is that, pray ?" asked the man whose curiosity was 
 aroused. 
 
 *' Yer raise cane down ther ! " 
 
 The laugh was on the Louisiana man, and he admitted the 
 charge. 
 
 PLAYING A PRACTICAL 
 JOKE. 
 
g6 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 LIKE FLOCKS OF SHEEP. 
 
 Man is a gregarious animal and naturally inclines to 
 "group." The success of the Trust idea is doubtless due to 
 this propensity; for a Trust is merely a grouping of interests 
 
 The barkers on the Midway knew that if they could start a 
 few to purchase tickets and enter, the rest of the group was 
 most likely to follow. 
 
 Along about lunch time this grouping tendency was made 
 very apparent, for then the necessity of co-operation became 
 imperative. 
 
 In the shadow of the great exhibition buildings the little 
 groups assembled to partake of the contents of the lunch bas- 
 ket, which had been industriously lugged about all the morn- 
 ing, and the lunch became a magnet in the center of each little 
 gathering. So strong was this attraction that each little party, 
 for the time being, was perfectly oblivious to the presence 
 of its neighbors on the adjoining benches. These lunch parties 
 well repaid study ; as a rule, they were usually made up of 
 either relatives or close friends, and it was here that the events 
 of the morning were discussed at leisure ; where experiences 
 were exchanged, and where observations were compared. 
 
 No two had seen alike, and lots of little details were noticed 
 by one and missed by the other. 
 
 "Did you notice the fine display of diamonds at the Tiffanv 
 Exhibit?" ^ 
 
 " No, but did you notice the bubble in the big cylinder of oil 
 at the Standard Oil Company's pavilion ?" 
 
 " Yes, I saw it, but it did not interest me much; I spent most 
 of my time examining the wonderful show of fruit in the Cali- 
 fornia Department. Did you ever see such big peaches ? " 
 
 It was just such a group as this that encircled a beautifully 
 wrought model of an ocean steamer enclosed in a glass case in 
 the Exhibit of the International Navigation Co. As the party 
 was mostly from interior Western States and totally unfamiliar 
 with anything appertaining to the salty seas these models of 
 modern ocean steamers proved particularly interesting. 
 
' KF SHE HED A WHISKEY-TIGHT CAPTIN THER RIG'D BE COMPLETE." 
 
98 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 SHIPS THAT CROSS. 
 
 " Just look at the little wheels at the back of the boat ! You 
 wouldn't think they could push a big boat like that through the 
 water !" exclaimed a youthful visitor who had never seen any- 
 thing larger than a stern wheeler on the Missouri River. 
 
 Uncle Hank was standing by when this remark was made, 
 and Yankee like, being as ready to impart information as he 
 was to solicit it, volunteered the infoimatian that they could 
 not only push it through the water, but "Push it pretty blame 
 fast, too," 
 
 When the group realized that he was something of an expert 
 on things aquatic he soon had the close attention of all in the 
 vicinity. 
 
 " Ye see them strips 'long the sides of ther bottom ? Well, ther 
 what they calls bilge keels ; they prevents ther rollin ov'ther 
 vessel, an' them figgers on ther bow shows how deep inter ther 
 water she's sunk when she's got her load aboard; an' them trum- 
 pet-like pipes on ther deck is tew git fresh air down below— 
 she's a fine boat, she's got twin screws an' water-tight compart- 
 ments, an' ef she had a whiskey-tight captin ther rig'd be 
 complete." 
 
 At this sally the crowd laughed heartily. 
 
 " Ef ye take interest in them things come over here an' look 
 et ther beautiful models of ther Holland-Ameriky line an' ther 
 North Germin Lloyd ships— et'l show ye what big improvements 
 they're making in navigashun." 
 
 And the whole party followed him to hear him explain what 
 was perfectly new to them. When they arrived at a miniature 
 fleet of the White Star Line he explained that this company 
 had just launched the largest ship in the world, and in this con- 
 nection remarked that "Ther biggest ship thet cud be built waz 
 a mighty small affair when ther ole 0-shun gits riled up— big 
 as they air they gits tossed like corks when ole boreas begins 
 ter roar." 
 
 As he took considerable interest in nautical affairs he took 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 99 
 
 particular pains to inform his hearers in regard to the fine 
 points of the ships on exhibition, to the evident satisfaction of 
 his hearers, and his numerous comments soon put him on good 
 terms with all around him. 
 
 The exhibition of locomotives in the Transportation Build- 
 ing was of exceptional excellence. The great, massive engines 
 were marvels of ingenuity and eloquently told of man's pro- 
 gress in civilization. 
 
 Among the finest in the Exposition was one built by the 
 Baldwin Locomotive Works, of Philadelphia. It was combmed 
 with the Vanderbilt Tender, an invention by young 
 Cornelius Vanderbilt, and strikingly disproved the 
 theory that riches destroyed all incentive to effort. 
 
 Here is a young man born with a gold spoon in his 
 mouth (not a Pan-American souvenir spoon either, 
 but the real thing), and all sorts of money in his 
 possession to provide him with fine horses, imported 
 cigars, champagne, automobiles, private cars, opera 
 boxes, exclusive yachts, and an army of servants, 
 or to reach the height of the country boy's glory- 
 cigarettes and red neckties. And yet he can find no 
 better use for his time than Work. 
 
 Truly this is a strange world and its ways are 
 past finding out. 
 
 When this spirit of energy is properly considered 
 it is not hard to account for American supremacy. 
 Contrast it with the methods in vogue, for instance, 
 in latin countries. There the young man of fortune 
 idles away his time in vitality-sapping amusements 
 and riotous living, and when the nation is called 
 upon for a test of supreme endurance the vaunted 
 structure is crushed like an empty egg-shell. 
 
 The Brooke Locomotive Works exhibit some fine 
 combination locomotives. Uncle Hank surveyed 
 
lOO 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 THE iN-jiNE-EER. the lot Critically, and after closely inspecting the monster, "six 
 foot" driving wheels and other appurtenances, he proceeded to 
 climb into the cab of one of the largest. 
 As he did so he remarked : " This be a fine bit ov masheenery. 
 
 THERE THE YOUNG MAN OF FORTUiVE IDLES AWAY HIS TIME. 
 
 Whew ! what a lot ov levers an' valves ther in-jine-eer hez 
 got ter work, an et ther same time keep his eye peeled on ther 
 track ahead. I guess I'll git up in his seat thar an' see haow et 
 feels ter hev your hand on the lever and yer eye on the steam 
 guage, ther air brake valve, an' ther track ahead; watchin fer 
 
"I GUESS I'll git up in his seat THAR AN SEP, HAOW ET FEET.S." 
 
I02 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 signals ov danger, an' goin a mile aminnit on a dark night flyin 
 'round curves. Gee whiz ! 
 
 " What a heap ov responsibillness is on ther shoulder ov them 
 in-jine-eers— I guess thet's what makes em round-shouldered. 
 Ther next time I go travlin on ther rale-road I'll feel grateful 
 tew ther man in th' cab fer his vigilence in pullin me thru in 
 safety, and, by ther way, I guess thet's what makes them rale- 
 roads charge so much ter ride ther people tew ther Pan- 
 Ameriky Exposishun this year, not that they pay their men any 
 more this year than thay did last year, but I guess thay've jest 
 realized th' responsibillness ov ther job th' men haz an' thay 
 propose ter make them Pan-Ameriky passengers pay fer it. 
 
 "Ther man in the cab shud git all ther money the porter gits 
 in tips every time ther train pulls into the depo ; fer jes suppose 
 he wazn't vigilent, and 'ther train got recked and ther porter 
 got killed or ther passengers in ther sleepin car berths (at $2.00 
 a berth payable before the accident) got smashed up an' ther 
 train boy got throwed oflf and broke his neck— well, I wouldn't 
 want ter be the in-jine-eer." 
 
 Uncle Hank now concluded that he would see what else the 
 building afforded in the way of entertainment. On emerging 
 from the locomotive cab he noticed a distinguished-looking 
 gentleman of kindly mien. He was rather tall, his shapely head 
 was covered with a shiny silk hat, his features clean-cut and his 
 rather large nose surmounted with gold-rimmed glasses and his 
 face clean shaven, with the exception of closely cropped white 
 side-whiskers. He was closely scrutinizing the locomotive as 
 Uncle Hank emerged. 
 
 " A very fine piece of mechanism," he remarked in a cheery 
 tone. 
 
 " One of ther finest I ever see. Be you interested in in jines ?" 
 our hero responded interrogatively. 
 
 "Oh, somewhat. I used to be in the business," responded 
 the gentleman. 
 
I04 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 SENATOR UEPEW TELLS 
 
 A FUNNY STORY. 
 
 " Ye don't mean an in-jine-eer, do ye— no' a conductor p'raps!' 
 and Uncle Hank regarded him quizzically. 
 
 " Oh, no ; I used to be a railroad President," and the gentle, 
 man, with a smile, politely handed him a card with the following 
 inscription. 
 
 Chauncey M. Depew. 
 
 " Wal, Senator, I'm glad tew make yer acquaintance. I hev no 
 card, but my name's Henry Slocum ov Medford, Mass., and I 
 reckon ye know my folks, fer they air big stockholders in ther 
 Boston and Albany Raleroad," and he extended his hand to the 
 Senator, who greeted him with a hearty shake. 
 
 " I'm very well acquainted with the TJocum family, indeed,'' 
 replied the Senator. 
 
 " This be a grate Exposition," continued Uncle Hank ; "an' 
 when ther visitors return to hum a:i" tell ther naybors what's 
 tew be seen here ther crowds 'il be tremanjous." 
 
 " Yes, I believe every returning visitor will prove a good ad - 
 vertisement for the Pan-American Exposition; and you know ad- 
 vertising often proves very effective. By-the-way, that reminds 
 me of a good story of advertising. A country editor once upon 
 a time printed an item stating that the man who was hugging the 
 hired girl better stop or his name would be published. In a few 
 days twenty citizens paid up their subscriptions and told the 
 editor to pay no attention to foolish stories going around." 
 
 The Senator told this story in such an unctuous style that 
 the countryman was convulsed with laughter. 
 
 " Wal, I swan," he exclaimed, " thet's the best story I ever 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 105 
 
 listened ter; et reminds me ov a story ov a Noo England Edi- uncle 
 tor who's wife waz bothered with tramps callin at th' door a 
 continually askin' fer sumthin' ter eat, an she soon found thet 
 et was a big drain on her larder. 
 
 " So she jest laid ther matter afore her husband, an he sez, 
 ' Wal, when tramp printers cum ter me beggin, I alius put em 
 tew work fust an make em earn th' money afore I give et tew 
 em ; so we'll jest pile a lot ov cord wood in th' back yard an 
 ther nex hungry tramp thet cums along make him work afore 
 yew give him anythin ter eat. I'll warrant they wont bother 
 yew much arter thet,' 
 
 " So she got a pile o' wood all fixt in the yard, an putty soon 
 along cums a hungry lookin tramp. 
 
 "'Madam,' sez he, ' wud ye kindly giv a pore hungry man 
 who kant git no work, an who's had nothin tew eat for a week, 
 wud yer be so kind ez tew giv me a bite tew eat?" 
 
 " So th' old lady rememberin her husband's advice sez : 
 * Wud ye saw sum wood fer sumthin tew eat ?' 
 
 "'Madam,' sez the tramp in a most repvovin tone, * I kant 
 eat wood !' " 
 
 " That is an exceedingly good story, Uncle," remarked the 
 Senator, laughing heartily. "By the way," he continued, 
 " speaking of work, you know Philadelphia has the reputation 
 of being a very sleepy city, which as a matter of fact it does 
 not deserve, but nevertheless an old ticket agent of our road 
 entertained the idea, and one day was approached by an old 
 lady with a request for transportation to the city of brotherly 
 love. Said she : 
 
 "• Mister, can I take a sleeper to Philadelphia?' 'Madame,' 
 he replied, 'there are too many sleepers over there 
 now.' " 
 
 " By Ginger !" exclaimed Uncle Hank laughing. " Thefs a 
 good one on Philadelphy, an' et's ez good ez any I ever 
 
io6 
 
 AROUND THE ''PAN. 
 
 A HAM SOUVENIR. 
 
 hearn. Senator, ye desarve yer repootashun fer story-tellin." 
 And Uncle Hank was still laughing when the genial Ser.au t 
 bid him adieu, to catch his train. 
 
 The greatness that would make us crave 
 
 Is but an empty thing. 
 What more than mirth would mortals have ? 
 
 The cheerful man's a king. Bickerstaf . 
 
 Every Pan-American visitor was stricken with souvenir 
 mania the moment the grounds were entered ; and the exhibi- 
 tors had responded quite nobly to the relief of the complaint ; 
 souvenirs in the shape of handsome lithographed cards were 
 given away by the thousand, one representing a soap box in 
 which a sample of soap was ingeniously concealed was pre- 
 sented to every visitor to one of the Soap Pavilions. 
 
 Another design showing a country maid standing by a cow 
 was distributed by a charmingly pretty girl in a Maud Muiler 
 costume to advertise Nestle's Milk. Great ingenuity was dis- 
 played in some of the designs, one in particular was an imita- 
 tion of a covered ham, advertising Dold's Packing House. 
 Uncle Hank had been advised to secure one of these to take 
 home as a souvenir. So he accordingly repaired to the beauti- 
 ful pavilion of the Dold Co., and requested "one ov them sov- 
 neer hams, please ?" The young man in attendance pointed to 
 a corner of the enclosure, and told him that he might help him- 
 self and then turned his back to resume his conversation with a 
 young lady. On the counter were scattered a number of the 
 lithographed representations of a ham ; directly above hung a 
 fine ham in close proximity to a card bearing the word 
 " Souvenirs." 
 
 Uncle Hank's eye was taken with the ham, and he concluded 
 it was the last souvenir left. In a moment he detached it from 
 its fastenings and deftly slipped his umbrella handle through 
 the slit in the bag. And with the prize over his shoulder 
 proudly marched forth, as he did so he ejaculated ; 
 
io8 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 MISTAKEN LIBERALITY, 
 
 " Mighty liberal folks tew give away hams like these fersov- 
 neers, but I spose they do it fer advertisin, Stonishin what et 
 costs fer advertisin nowdays ! " 
 
 He had gone but a short distance when his soliloquy was 
 rudely interrupted by a grasp on the arm. 
 
 "Say! where are you going with that ham?" exclaimed a 
 young man at his elbow whom Uncle Hank immediately recocr. 
 nized as the attendant. 
 
 " Why, didn't ye just give it ter me fer a sov-neer ? " replied 
 the old man in amazement. 
 
 " Naw, we don't give away hams for souv-neers, only pictures 
 of em," and quietly relieved him of his burden with the final 
 retort : 
 
 " Well, you're the limit ! " 
 
 However, Uncle Hank was not so far wrong in regard to the 
 limitations of advertising. 
 
 So fierce was the competition between advertising firms at 
 the Exposition that extraordinary methods were often resorted 
 to in the matter of giving away advertising souvenirs ; one con- 
 cern giving away a stick and a cake of shaving soap' together 
 with a number of expensively made puzzles and lithographed 
 cards. To beat this a competing firm would have to throw in a 
 razor or provide a barber, 
 
 A pleasant-faced, motherly sort of a woman was " doing" the 
 Liberal Arts Building in the most approved style. It was quite 
 evident, judging fron: her make-up, that she was from a locality 
 remote from the influences of city life. Her kindly face, 
 however, was radiant with that intelligence that marks the 
 born American woman, the true mother of the independent 
 American girl. It is from just such mothers that Presidents 
 come; in fact, the sons and daughters of country mothers 
 -dominate every walk of life. It was interesting to note her 
 self-reliant way of "doing" the Exposition. She required no 
 guide or protector, and her methods were worthy of emulation. 
 
•'IT WAS INTERESTING TO NOTE HER SELF-RELIANT WAY OF 'DOING* THE EXPOSITION." 
 
I lO 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 OUNTRY woman's 
 
 PHll-OSPHY. 
 
 > 
 
 If she did not understand the mechanism of a gas stove or a 
 washing machine she straightway requested an explanation 
 from the attendant in charge, and she always departed the 
 wiser for her inquisition, and never did she sample a food 
 preparation without learning something of its component 
 qualities, and there was not the slightest possibility of her fail- 
 ing to profit by the information so gained. 
 
 She stood in the centre of an aisle dividing the principal 
 booths of the Manufacturer's Building, and as she surveyed the 
 scene she remarked: 
 
 "The lot ov wimmen hez vastly improved fence the days 
 when I waz young. Et's a grate help tew wimmen tew hev 
 self-raisin flour, an steam cooked cereals, an ketchup, an canned 
 goods when th' vegetables ez out ov season; an taint no use 
 talkin, th' washin masheens they hev nowdays ez wuth more 
 to wimmen than th' ballot box'll ever be." 
 
 And her intelligent face beamed with satisfaction at the 
 thought. 
 
 " Laborin' man an' laborin' woman 
 Hev one glory an' one shame, 
 Ev'y thin that's done inhuman 
 Ingers all on 'em the same." 
 
 The barkers for the Parisian Beauty show, on the Midway, 
 thought that Uncle Hank would fall an easy victim and rush to 
 buy a ticket. He stood on a round platform outside of his show 
 and had a woman in short skirts punching a bag. He leaned 
 forward and said confidentially: "We have the finest show here, 
 bat alas ! 'tis said we are too sensational and the authorities have 
 been after us. Well, we have toned down things wonder- 
 fully and nolhing you could see would make a minister blush." 
 
 " By gum, I've got my opinion purty well set as to yer show," 
 chimed in Uncle Hank. 
 
 " Oh, Ruben, you have, have yer ? What is the matter with 
 you ? " said the barker. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 Ill 
 
 " I was just obsarvin yer towning down process and et strikes 
 me purty hard that from the looks of thet er gal thar, thet you 
 hed toned up too high." 
 
 " Say, Ruben, you can go in free." When he came out he 
 chuckled : 
 
 " Wal, the tone was ez I expected, too high, an' I aint givin 
 my admirashun to gals in them short school frocks." 
 
 The magnet of the Midway for every female visitor was the 
 Baby Incubator Show. Here were shown immature babies in 
 glass-covered incubators in every stage of development, and 
 ladies flocked to it in scores to examine the tiny specimens of 
 humanity, much as one would inspect the incubation of a like 
 number of chicks. 
 
 It did not take Uncle Hank long to discover this attraction. 
 
 '•Them babies is interestin tew look at," he observed, "becos 
 ye can't tell what they're likely tew amount tew when they 
 grow up. How dew ye know but what this chap might be another 
 Edison er a Dewey, an' thet girl over yonder might turn out ter 
 be another Mary Anderson er Susan B. Anthony er Carrie 
 Nation ; an' what old-lookin faces they've all got, full ov 
 wrinkles jes like they waz 75 years old. I spose when they grow 
 a bit more ther winkles'll disappear and then it'll take 75 years 
 tew bring em back. 
 
 *' By Jinks, here's three ov a kind 1 " he exclaimed as his atten. 
 tion was arrested by the Cohen Triplets who occupied a glass- 
 covered enclosure in the most conspicuous part of the exhibition. 
 
 " Naow jest think of ther posserbilities of development in them 
 triplets with the name Cohen. They're likely ter shine in ther 
 diamond bizness, er make a big hit in ther three ball game — 
 pawnbrokin ; an' jest look et the bristly red hair on thet young- 
 ster. He looks as ef he wanted tew fight the rest of em. I'll 
 bet he's ov good fightin stock, fer he looks like Bob Fitzsim- 
 mons with his bald head an' fringe of red hair." 
 
 As he passed from the building he encountered the venerable 
 
 THE BABY HOT HOU6E. 
 
112 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 FILIPINO EXPERIENCE. 
 
 barker who, in stentorian tones, admonished the passers-by not 
 to neglect the opportunity to see the little " suckers." 
 
 The majority of the people at the Fair followed the same 
 route, from the entrance straight to the Midway. Visitors 
 might not have time to get around to their State Building or they 
 might possibly have missed the Stadium or the Acetylene 
 Building, but no visitor ever failed to visit the Midway. Its at- 
 mosphere was so unconventional, and then the conviction that 
 nobody one knows would be met with had a tendency to throw 
 off restraint and indulge in license that would not be thought of 
 in any other place. 
 
 It was this feeling that caused Uncle Hank to wander back 
 to the attractive side shows whenever he tired of the big build- 
 ings. On one occasion he stood irresolutely before the Filipino 
 Village undecided as to whether or not it was advisable for him 
 to part with a quarter to be allowed to investigate its interior. 
 At the entrance there was a stage built to display some of the 
 attractions for the purpose of advertisement. On this stage 
 was an exceedingly interesting group consisting of a Filipino 
 mother and her two children. As Uncle Hank approached, one 
 of the children held out its hand to him. It represented to him 
 so very forcibly the attitude of the Filipinos toward Uncle Sam 
 that his heart warmed to the little one and he resolved to enter 
 and learn more of the people of his country's new acquisition. 
 
 As he entered the village enclosure he surveyed the scene 
 curiously. A group of Filipino women were washing clothes 
 on a little platform at the edge of the lake that occupied the 
 center of the village. They first dipped the clothes in the water 
 an 1 then beat them with a short stick, and they were a merry 
 lot, singing and joking over their work. 
 
 The habitations of the natives were ranged on both sides of 
 the lake, and gave a very fair conception of a Philippine 
 Village. 
 
 The first thing to catch Uncle Hank's eye was the Manila 
 
114 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 FRiPiNo METHODS. Rope Walk. Several natives were busy transforming hemp 
 into rope by means of a primitive windlass. He waichta the 
 operation for a few moments and then expressed his eoi.tcn.pl 
 for such methods. " Jes wait till Yankee Doodle gits a wl.iak 
 et ther rope twistin'. Wait till ther Trusts git thereytsi , i . i ' 
 puts em out ov bizness." 
 
 The next thing to engage his attention were the wooden 
 cannons of native manufacture. " Wal, I swan !" he exclaimed, 
 "ef thet don't beat anything 1 ever see. Et's a wonder they 
 don't blow their heads off the fust time they're fired off " — and 
 such seemed to be the case, as they were merely bamboo tree 
 sections bound with strips of the same wood to give added 
 strength. It seemed impossible to realize that they were not 
 intended for playthings, but for war. The muskets on x xhil i- 
 tion were but little better; being constructed of pieces of L'as > r 
 steam pipe — their other war implements were somewhat belui, 
 the swords and knives being decorated in quaint native designs. 
 
 "What d'ye call them?" inquired Uncle Hank of a native 
 holding up what appeared to be a thin piece of oyster shell. 
 
 " That is what is used in the Philippine Islands for window 
 glass," replied the attendant. 
 
 "Call thet glass, dew they?" he replied, holding it up to the 
 light and trying to see through the opaque shell. 
 
 "Wal, jest wait till ther Glass Trust gets on to this — thet's 
 another opening fer American industry." 
 
 The Filipino maiden is a flirt beyond 
 question and it did not take the American 
 youth long to ascertain that fact, and as 
 they were inveterate cigarette smokers 
 the offer of a cigarette was sure to prove 
 an incentive to conversation, and as they 
 understood English fairly well the youths 
 got along very well indeed. 
 
 This, of course, created considerable 
 
ii6 • AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 AN ODE TO PHILOPENA. 
 
 jealousy on the part of the Filipino youths, and many an angry 
 altercation, with the usual resultant feminine tears, was the 
 result. The Filipino Cupid does not differ materially from the 
 Cupids of other nationalities. 
 
 Oh, Filipino Maiden, young and fair 
 
 Why comb your dark and rather matted hair? 
 
 We knew you long before you ever came ; 
 
 But somehow then we used you as a game: 
 
 We called you Philopena, paying gifts, 
 
 And many lovers had their merry tifts; 
 
 But now we spell you, Filipino, slow. 
 
 And bring you here to grace a nation's show. 
 
 So thus, you see, you pay your gifts at last 
 
 To Uncle Sam, your Philopena fast. 
 
 — Homer Fort. 
 
 The Filipino maiden's eyes sparkle with coquettishness when 
 their deftness with the needle or proficiency in embroidery is 
 noticed. They are small in stature and marry very young- so 
 that one would hardly suppose the girlish little wives are the 
 mothers of the babies they carry in their arms. 
 
 The men are equally small in proportion and resemble the 
 Chinese type to a marked extent, as a rule they are bright and 
 well informed, as Uncle Hank discovered in conversing with one. 
 
 "I reckon you Fillypinos '11 prosper now under Uncle Sam's 
 gov'nment." 
 
 " Fil-pino prospare ! ha, ha ? " replied the native. 
 
 " Uncle Sam sends sleek politician like Dick Crokair an' Matt 
 Kway— he skin him Filipino, send big trust he chocke him Fili- 
 pino— send Noo YorkaPolice-a-man tip off cock fight, bull fight 
 rob him ! Filipino prospare — ? — ha, ha, ha ! " 
 
 Uncle Hank was dazed by the logic of this home thrust, but 
 soon recovered his wonted assurance. ' 
 
 " Wal," he retorted, " with all thet et won't be ez bad ez them 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 117 
 
 Spanish Dagoes treated ye, jes put yer trust in the United filipino 
 States an' — " 
 
 " The United States will put the trusts in the Phil-pines ! " re- 
 torted the unabashed Filipino with a sneer. 
 
 The old man soon saw he had an incorrigible case to deal with 
 and made no further effort to convert the native to the dogma 
 of the superiority of Uncle Sam's benign system of government. 
 
 For forms of government let fools contest, 
 Whate'er is best administer'd is best. — Pope. 
 
 He now concluded he had had excitement enough for one 
 day, and as he passed out through the exit gate, soliloquized: 
 "What a powerful sight ye larn et these exherbishuns." 
 
 *** * * ******* 
 
 The chariot race in " Ben Hur " has attracted much attention 
 and deservedly so, for it is a graphic bit of description. Uncle 
 Hank never for a moment imagined that he would ever engage 
 in anything but a foot race and least of all that he should be 
 matched against a Dago gondolier. Fate had played fantastic 
 tricks with the rugged Down East Yankee since he first arrived 
 at Buffalo and yet he was found equal to any emergency. 
 
 He smiled at every quip or jest; 
 
 At ev'ry joke or sparkling pun ; 
 And then he did his level best 
 
 To have his share of wholesome fun. 
 
 Somehow the gondolas attracted him and often he would en- 
 gage in running conversation with the men propelling the 
 strange-looking craft. " Easy work, my boy, aint it ?" he asked 
 one. "Not on your life, old Ruben !" was the soft answer of 
 the American Italian, who did not relish the job. In order to 
 
ii8 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 A HOT RACE ON THE 
 CANAL. 
 
 prove that it was easy Uncle Hank hailed the next gondola that 
 came along and said : 
 
 Jist take me round this yer creek, won't yer, Mister Eyetal- 
 ian ? 1 am goin' ter see th' hull show." 
 
 The man working the one oar was an Irishman and he 
 readily consented for Uncle Hank to play the picturesque gon- 
 dolier, while he rested and gave the " hayseed," as he called 
 him, a chance to perspire. 
 
 " This be play an nothin' more," said the Yankee as he pro- 
 pelled the boat along in an awkward way. It took some min- 
 utes to get the swing and then the gondola went along smoothy. 
 Many visitors saw him and jumped to the conclusion that he 
 was part of the Exposition, and a novel part at that. The other 
 gondoliers that came along and passed, laughed derisively, and 
 made all kinds of attempts to guy and disconcert him. One 
 cried: " Say, old man, your paddle is getting wet." 
 
 " Thet's all right ; I aint gittin in ther briny deep yit. But 
 I'm gettin along komfootabull, yer can wager." 
 
 This last word " wager " inspired a Dago, who was pushing a 
 gondola not far behind Uncle Hank's. The Dago gave a few 
 vigorous strokes of his oar, and was soon alongside of the 
 Yankee. 
 
 '* I betta two dolla," he cried, " that I beata to the lak ; taka 
 my betta ? " 
 
 *' Say, yer mean tew bet me two dollars thet you can beat me. 
 Mister Eyetalian? I'll go yer an' I'll show yer thet I am some 
 pumpkins." 
 
 " Say, Uncle, you will lose," said the resting gondolier on the 
 Yankee's boat. 
 
 " Not much, nuther, I ain't hoed korn, rolled logs, gathered 
 taters, not tew be strong in my arms ; thet Eyetalian will hev 
 ther race uv his life." 
 
 ** You betta two doll, yes ? " eagerly asked the Dago oarsman, 
 with anxiety depicted on his countenance. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 119 
 
 -* Uff course : I ain't backin' out. Jist let her go," exclaimed 
 Uncle Hank as they both started about even. 
 
 It got noised about that a gondola race was in progress on 
 the canal, and people hurried to see it. A rumor went around 
 that a large sum was wagered between an Italian oarsman and 
 an American. Hundreds lined the banks of. the canal and 
 looked on at the queer spectacle. 
 
 "Gooda bye," merrily sang out the Dago as he made a few 
 vigorous strokes and went slightly ahead of Uncle Hank. 
 
 " Ther partin' time ain't cum yit," said the farmer as he 
 leaned forward, planted his feet firmly and began to push the 
 long oar in a way that made the gondola tremble as it shot 
 rapidly through the water. People on the back waved hats 
 and hand.cerchiefs and yelled : "Go it, Uncle Rube ; you will 
 catch up next Christmas." 
 
 The Dago, who was anxious to win two dollars, thought he 
 would leave the farmer in a minute and have sport with him. 
 His astonishment was great to find that he did not gain much 
 on the rural gondolier. Bending down to work, the Dago put 
 forth his strongest efforts, making his long oar fairly split the 
 water. This spurt put him nearly two lengths ahead and 
 encouraged him to believe that the Yankee was not in the race 
 at all. Visions of w^hat he would do with the two dollars, per- 
 haps, filled him with joy, for he called back : 
 
 " Say, betta fore doll ; just lika picka de mon up ! " 
 
 " I'll be thar when you get thar, Mr. Eyetalian ; I ain't got 
 warmed up yit. Yer jist wait, an' when I git ther hang o' this 
 craft I'll say sum things ter show you I'm travelin'." 
 
 A man on the bank shouted : " Pull out your whiskers. Uncle, 
 and then you will win. They catch too much wind." 
 
 They were cheered to the echo as they spun through the 
 water, Uncle Hank seemingly not making much effort and 
 the Dago working for dear life. But, work as he might, he 
 could not get further away than two lengths, and it puzzled 
 
 YANKEE VS. DAGO. 
 
I20 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 AN EXCITING RACE. and cxcitcd him. He beg-an to perspire freely and to use 
 strange Italian words. Then he would talk in broken English: 
 "Whata the matta? The Mericana pusha the gondola like 
 housa fire ! " 
 
 To the utter amazement of the many onlookers, Uncle Hank 
 began slowly to gain, his long, regular strokes telling- against 
 the quicker and more excited work of his foreign antagonist. 
 Cheers .greeted him from many hundred people as he began 
 nearing the Dago's gondolier, and one woman leaned over, 
 waved a scarf and shouted : 
 
 " Hurrah, for Uncle Hayseed ! Don't stay behind ! Put life 
 and vigor into your work ! " 
 
 *' I ain't dun enny work yit, young woman !" shouted the cool 
 Yankee. " I ain't buckled down to it yit ez I should, an' when 
 I do this yer oar will break or I'll git by thet Eyetalian." 
 
 The Irish gondolier was amused and surprised by the man 
 who had taken his place, and he frankly added : 
 
 "Say, if you win, old man, don't I get a dollar of your two 
 dollars ?" 
 
 " Yer do, ef yer will pay a dollar ef I lose the race." The 
 Irishman would not agree because he was not sure that Uncle 
 Hank woiild win. He saw that the Yankee was gaining, but 
 that did not necessarily mean victory. 
 
 Uncle Hank grew a little red in the face as he shouted to 
 the Dago: "Git out o' my way thar ; for I'm cummin. I'm 
 log rollin' now, an' this is a heavy lift. Pushin' for all I am 
 
 wurth. Stiddy, an' a long, hard 
 push. No boy in this yer regions 
 kin pull yer Uncle Hank down. We 
 be movin!" 
 
 The gondola propelled by the 
 sturdy Yankee plunged through the 
 water like a large fish cutting its 
 way to the deep ocean. It neared 
 
121 
 
 ♦'GIT OUT O' MY WAY THAR j FOR I'M CUMMIN," 
 
132 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN/ 
 
 ' HER FROWSY HEAD WAS DONE UP IN A LARGE BANDANNA, 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 123 
 
 the Dago's ; it dashed a little spray of water on it, and it slowly 
 moved by as a swift trotting horse passes a hackway. Shouts 
 and yells greeted the ears of the rowers, and Uncle Hank 
 cried out to his rival : 
 
 " Good-bye, Eyetalian ! I'll hitch an' wait fur yer when I 
 git thar, and we will hev mackerony together and hev no hard 
 feelin's." 
 
 The Dago was perspiring profusely and very much excited. 
 He made a few feeble attempts tt) spurt, but he was out of 
 wind and could only ejaculate : " Da mon gone ! Two dolla 
 lost !" 
 
 Uncle Hank kept the lead and was cheered by hundreds as 
 he won by nearly ten lengths of his gondola. He never 
 indulged in a chant of victory, but, gazing at his defeated and 
 beaten rival, he said : "Ther mussell made in ther fields a-hoe- 
 ing korn an' lif tin' logs ain't goin' tew leave yer soon. Roastin' 
 peanuts ain't makin' bone and mussell. Yer hev no great 
 strength to race agin yer Uncle Hank." 
 
 An immense crowd congratulated Uncle Hank, and said the 
 freedom of the Exposition should be given to him. One man, 
 however, who, like many others, jump to wrong conclusions, 
 remarked : " It was a great race and well won by the Yankee, 
 but do you people believe for an instant that the Down Easter 
 is genuine? He is just a part of the show— a man hired to 
 go around and impersonate a country hayseed." The smart 
 Aleck, however, was not believed, for the crowd knew that 
 Uncle' Hank was just exactly what he looked to be— a shrewd 
 backwoods farmer who knew more than many imagined. 
 
 While he was in the Midway he bethought himself of the 
 advisability of taking in some of the shows he had overlooked 
 on his last visit. With this end in view he entered the "Old 
 Southern Plantation," and in a short time was on familiar 
 terms with the old darkies. 
 
 In front of the log cabin in which Lincoln was born stood 
 
•'SHE BELONGED TO THE HIGHEST SOCIETY." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 125 
 
 an old, "befo'-the-wah" mammy industriously working an old- 
 time spinning wheel. Her frowsy head was done up in a large 
 bandanna, and periodically she emitted large whiffs of tobacco 
 smoke from a long-stemmed corn-cob pipe which she firmly 
 held between her thick lips. Surrounding her were several 
 white "wooled" counterparts of Uncle Tom, and, to make the 
 picture more complete, there were a half a dozen or so of little 
 pickaninnies playing about. 
 
 The atmosphere was truly Southern and gave a very good 
 idea of plantation life as it existed in ante-bellum days. 
 
 "Tears ter me," he muttered to himself, "them darkies is 
 good-natured and peaceful like ; they don't look ez ef they 
 needed Lynch Law keep 'em straight, an' I reckon ef ther 
 people down South didn't break ther law by lynchin', th' blacks 
 would hev more 'spect fer ther law, too. 
 
 Oh, Freedom ! thou art not, as poets dream, 
 A fair young girl, with light and delicate limbs, 
 And wavy tresses gushing from the cap 
 With which the Roman master crowned the slave 
 When he took off the gyves. 
 
 — William Cullen Br\ant. 
 
 It is generally conceded that woman has made giant strides 
 in the last decade, but it has been left to the Pan-American 
 Exposition to illustrate that fact. 
 
 On the Midway there paraded a colossal figure of an up-to- 
 date maiden with a graceful figure, gowned in the most 
 approved Parisian fashion. Her tall, ten-foot figure attracted 
 considerable attention; which was partly due to her graceful 
 bearing and to the very evident fact that she belonged to the 
 highest society (ten feet) Her mission on the Midway was to 
 
126 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 advertise the exceptional attractions of "Dawson City," which 
 she did in a most thorough manner, as she was constantly fol- 
 lowed by admiring crowds, which she invariably led to the 
 entrance of the aforesaid show, somewhat after the manner of 
 the Pied Piper of Hamelin. 
 
 The lady in question was constructed of wicker work sur- 
 mounted with a life-like wax head, and in the interior of the 
 figure a man was so cleverly concealed that quite an artistic 
 semblance of a stylish young lady was presented. 
 
 Some very original conceptions were used to advertise the 
 Midway attractions. In the corridor of The Panopticon a 
 number of distorting mirrors were placed, which usually at- 
 tracted crowds of curious people bent upon seeing themselves 
 caricatured. 
 
 *' The foolish man often laughs when there is nothing to laugh at. 
 Whatever touches him, his inner nature comes to the surface." 
 
 — Goethe. 
 
 These mirrors were so placed as to attract the attention of 
 the curiously inclined, and afforded excellent opportunities to 
 see oneself as others do not see. 
 
 A very fat man who labored with a weight of flesh approxi- 
 mating three hundred pounds, and who had vainly longed for 
 the day when, by the use of Anti-Fat concoctions, he might 
 scale down one hundred pounds or so, caught sight of one of 
 these mirrors. He stood before the one so convexed that it 
 considerably thinned and lengthened his figure. 
 
 "Well, now !" he exclaimed, on beholding this pleasing ren- 
 dition of his very rotund figure, "that's the way I'd like to 
 look ; nothing the matter with that. Oh that this too solid 
 flesh would melt," and with a grunt of satisfaction he moved off. 
 
 This was not the usual experience, however, as some of the 
 distorted images produced by the mirrors were ludicrous in 
 the extreme. 
 
"WELL, now! that's THE WAY I'o LIKE TO LOOK." 
 
128 
 
 AROUND THE ''PAN." 
 
 WAITERS THAT MAKE 
 YOU WAIT. 
 
 Alt Nurnburg was usually the Mecca of the hungry habitues 
 of the Midway, Imported frankfurters, sauerkraut, patrician 
 Rhein wines, as well as plebeian lager beer, in fact, everything 
 in the German food and drink line, were to be obtained here, 
 if you had patience in abundance; for it is a peculiarity of Ger- 
 man waiters to make you wait. The hungrier you are the 
 longer they make you wait. 
 
 " Hunger is the mother of impatience and anger." 
 
 — Zimmerman. 
 
 Many angry altercations have taken place 
 in consequence of this dilatory habit on the 
 part of the phlegmatic German waiters. 
 
 " Waiter !" exclaimed an irate patron. 
 " Wh ere's that steak I ordered an hour ago ?" 
 
 " It's on the fire, sir." 
 
 " I say, waiter !" another would cry out. 
 " Where's that champagne ?" 
 " It's on the ice, sir." 
 
 And so it would go from one table to an- 
 other, the Si me cry of hungry impatience. 
 As one highly indignant patron remarked : 
 " The diners were the waiters in a German 
 restaurant." 
 
 During a performance at Bostock's, the 
 famous menagerie on the Midway, a clown 
 was putting a baby elephant through a num- 
 ber of difficult tricks, and now and then the 
 quadruped rebelled. It happened that Sen- 
 ator T. C. Piatt, the head man, "boss" and 
 leader of the Republican party in New York 
 State, was present with a number of promi- 
 nent Republicans and friends. Uncle Hank 
 saw the " boss " and thought he would ask 
 
" it's child's play to handling grown-up elephants. 
 I've had years of experience." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 A VAST DIFFERENCE BE- 
 TWEEN ELEPHANTS. 
 
 him about elephants, and especially the one performing in the 
 arena. 
 
 " What do yer think uf elephants, Senator ? I hev heard 
 tell that ye know something- about ther creeturs." 
 
 The Tioga statesman smiled as he replied : "That clown has 
 an easy job putting that baby elephant through his paces, but 
 it is child's play compared to handling a grown-up elephant. 
 I have had years of experience." 
 
 Uncle Hank wanted the Senator to get Bostock to let him 
 handle a grown-up elephant, but the owner said the G. O. P. 
 elephant was too large to enter the arena. " Wal, wal," ex- 
 claimed the Down Easter, " I've hurd thet the G, O. P. ele- 
 phant had broken some planks an' smashed up a few platforms, 
 but I never hurd that he had busted ther arena. I guess thet 
 the elephant ez bigger then Jumbo and ez the hull show his- 
 self." 
 
 Some one informed Uncle Hank that the G. O. P. elephant 
 was merely a figurative animal. " I guess he must cut a purty 
 figger, then, when he falls down," mused the Yankee. " Sen- 
 ator Piatt must be a purty strong man tew handle such a big 
 elefant, I'm thinkin' !" - 
 
 Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world 
 Like a Colossus, and we petty men 
 Walk under his huge legs and peep about 
 To find ourselves dishonourable graves. 
 
 — Shakespeare. 
 
 The Japanese do not look upon the Chinese with a kindly 
 eye. A Chinaman happened to stop in front of " Fair Japan," 
 where a Jap was banging a gong for dear life to attract the 
 crowd to the Japanese tea gardens. The almond-eyed Celes- 
 tial attracted the eye of the Japanese, who accosted him in a 
 bantering sort of way. 
 
 "Hello, John, how you like the Jap-Pan- American ?" 
 
'Where's that steak i ordered an hour ago?" 
 
132 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 CLASHES BETWKEN 
 NATIONALITIES. 
 
 "Jap no goodee ; Pan-Melican all lite !" retorted the China- 
 man as he pigeon-toed off. Clashes between nationalities were 
 of frequent occurrence on the Midway, where the different 
 types so often intermingled. A son of Erin was attacked by a 
 severe thirst one morning, and, casting his eye about for some- 
 thing to alleviate it, spied a soda water stand with a large jar 
 of high-colored orangeade placed conspicuously upon the coun- 
 ter. He paused a while to make up his mind, and then, ap- 
 parently foregoing his intention of buying himself a drink, 
 declared, in unmeasured terms : 
 
 "01 want a dhrink, fur OI'm divilish dhry; but OI'll die 
 wid thirst before OI'll dhrink thot A. P. A. colored sthuff!" 
 and he walked indignantly away in search of a more con- 
 genially-colored liquid to quench his thirst. 
 
 Geronimo, the famous Indian chief, was the star attraction 
 at the Indian Congress, This doughty old warrior of infamous 
 memory was a precious scoundrel in his day, and only escaped 
 death by execution for his misdeeds through the magnanimity 
 of Gen. Nelson A. Miles. So when the brilliantly-uniformed 
 General made his appearance in the Indian Village it was only 
 natural that the old chief should greet him effusively. As the 
 two warriors approached one another they presented a pic- 
 turesque contrast. They were both in full war paint, or in full 
 uniform, as you are pleased to view it. In point of manhood, 
 however, the advantage was decidedly in favor of the soldier.' 
 
 The one showed in face and manner all the characteristics of 
 his race ; the cunning, malicious and treacherous look of the 
 savage ; and the other, the open, frank and magnanimous mien 
 of a courageous and intrepid soldier. 
 
 "Chief," exclaimed the General, " this being a hero at the 
 Pan-American is better than war. You know, our big chief, 
 General Sherman, said : ' War was hell.' " 
 
 " Yes, that so ; hell with canned beef, ugh !" grunted the 
 Indian in assent. 
 
•THIS BEING A HERO AT THE ' PAN-AMERICAN ' IS BETTER THAN WAR." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 135 
 
 " Well, we're at peace now and have no embalmed beef to 
 bother us," replied the General sententionsly, " but you red- 
 skins had better behave yourselves out on the plains, as we 
 never lose sight of our motto: ' In time of peace prepare for 
 war.'" 
 
 "Ug-h! White man always war," retorted the redskin. 
 
 The General scratched his head at this fling. 
 
 "Our people prefer to live in harmony with all the world 
 and make our conquests on other lines than gory fields of 
 battle." And the General drew himself up with dignity. 
 
 " Big Chiefs fight in big wigwam now," pursued the Indian. 
 
 " Well, our war chiefs do seem to be doing quite a lot of 
 fighting in time of peace." 
 
 The old Indian seemed to relish this fling at the Samp- 
 son-Schley row at Washmgton, for his blear eyes blinked 
 humorously at the allusion. 
 
 " Big chiefs fight over scalps, ugh ; Indian no take scalps 
 from Chief!" replied the savage as a parting shot. 
 
 "The Chief's got good horse sense," remarked the General 
 as he resumed his tour. 
 
 General Miles was a fine target for the " snap-shot fiends." 
 
 Attired in his beautiful uniform, his fine figure and martial 
 bearing showed to the very best advantage in "snap shots," 
 and it was very amusing to see the avidity with which they 
 pursued their prey The nerve of the camera crank has been 
 long known. Nothing is sacred to him; he takes everything in 
 sight; in fact, is a confirmed optical kleptomaniac as a rule. 
 
 " I'll example you with thievery ; 
 The sun'sa thief, and with his great attraction 
 Robs the vast sea; the moon's an arrant thief, 
 And her pale face she snatches from the sun." 
 
 — Shakkspearr. 
 
 A patriarchal Indian is Red Cloud, of the Six Nations, who, 
 
136 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 "IT WAS VERY AMUSINr, TO SF.K THE AVIDITY Willi WHICH 
 THK.Y PURSUED THEIR PREY." 
 
 held court like a reigning- nionarch in a cabin that was fanci- 
 fully arranged with blankets, feathered headgear, moccasins 
 embroidered with bead work, and various other Indian accoutre- 
 ments. He was very popular with Young America, who saw 
 in him their ideal Indian warrior, arrayed as he was in his 
 picturesque headgear. The old warrior does not look his age, 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 137 
 
 although he has seen eighty-four years, is still tall, erect and an up-to-date indian. 
 very active. Several times he left the Exposition grounds 
 and sought the busy haunts of Buffalo, where stimulants are 
 cheap and exceedingly heady. It was recorded in the daily 
 papers that four tim^s Red Cloud had gazed upon the red gob- 
 let and rendered himself hors de combat. He was carried to 
 his tribe by kind friends, who endeavored to get him to sign 
 the pledge and wear the blue ribbon. He was willing to wear 
 the blue blanket; also a piece of ribbon, but he did not care to 
 sign a pledge which meant a decided curtailment in his bever- 
 age. This venerable and fine-looking specimen of the Red Men 
 attracted much attention, and our Uncle Hank ran up against 
 him. At first, Uncle Hank regretted he could not talk Choc- 
 taw or some kind of lingo, and he hesitated to begin a conver- 
 sation with one he thought might hurl back language perfectly 
 unintelligible, but more or less musical in a guttural, hurdy- 
 gurdy way. 
 
 "Do yer know, Meester Red Cloud, thet I've hearn tell o' yer 
 before," began the Yankee, " an' ther is many thet envy yer 
 capacity, an' yer stayin' power. Now, jist a leetle sider jooce 
 hez oftun made me talk in a blue streak, an' also made my nay- 
 burs talk fur weeks. Ef I should tackle jooce a leetle stronger 
 than sider an' should try tew git into my naybur's barn fur my 
 own house, I guess yer Uncle Hank would hev to ther leave 
 thet nayburhood or hev myself sent tew some insane asighlum. 
 But now yew Injuns never criticize, an' thet is a real blessin' 
 for the nobull chiefs who are sot in ther ways." 
 
 Red Cloud straightened up and nearly took Uncle Hank off 
 his feet by answering in good English : 
 
 " What do you take me for ? A phonograph or a sounding- 
 board ? Speak straight English and I may understand you. I 
 cannot talk your dialect." 
 
 " Thet is one on yer Uncle, Reddy," said the Yankee, some- 
 what confused; but he soon recovered his second wind. 
 
138. AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 RED cloud's RfejoiNDM. " But I am not related to you; you are not my Uncle. In my 
 
 veins there is no white man's blood," calmly spoke the Chief. 
 
 " In coarse, yer air not my nevyew, but we air all of us kind 
 o' kin. We air all binded together by some kind of tie. Now, 
 
 " I JTST INTIND TO RF.CORMKND TH' URAND TEW THE HUNDRKD-YEAR CLUB AT THER 
 
 NEXT MEETIN'." 
 
 ef yer kin tell me what the guvnor uv North Caroleena otict sed 
 tew ther guvnor uv South Caroleena, I'll pay ther expenses." 
 
 " He remarked that it was about time to take a drink," said 
 the Indian. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 139 
 
 "Wal, 1 ruther guess so, Red Cloud," answered Uncle Hank, 
 " an' let us go tew ther happy jooce factory an' nomenate our 
 own pizen." 
 
 The Indian admitted on the way to a soda water fountain 
 that Uncle Hank's dialect was not difficult to learn, especially 
 when he told historical anecdotes. 
 
 In a confidential way, Uncle Hank said, after he had ob- 
 served how active and strong the Chief was: "Ef yer can tell 
 me ther brand o' liquor thet yer air drinkin' yer would do me 
 a great favor." 
 
 Red Cloud wished to know the reasons. for such an unusual 
 request. 
 
 "I jist intind to recormend th' brand tew the Hundred- Year 
 Club et ther next meetin'," concluded Uncle Hank, 
 
 Life's but a walTcing shadow, a poor player 
 That struts and frets his hour upon the stage. 
 
 — Shakespeare. 
 
 One of the features of the Midway was the daily parade of 
 the various attractions of the multitudinous shows. First 
 would come the camels, then donkeys, elephants, Arabs, Turks, 
 Armenians, dancing girls, etc., from " The Beautiful Orient." 
 Then the streets of Mexico would add its quota in the shape ot 
 Vaqueros on mustangs, bull fighters and Peons. Added to this 
 procession would be Filipinos, Hawaiian musicians, Indians in 
 full regalia, and odds and ends from the other shows. This 
 cavalcade was always sure to attract the attention of a majority 
 of the visitors on the grounds, who naturally followed the 
 alluring music until they found themselves in the heart of the 
 Midway. And then the Ballyhoo would immediately proceed 
 to make a bedlam of the concourse. 
 
 There was no denying the fact that the Concessionaries of 
 the Midway were a very resourceful lot and undeniably " bust 
 lers " of the first grade. 
 
 THE MIDWAY PARADE. 
 
' BY CRACKEE, WHAT A LESSON THEM CAMELS TEACH HUMAN BEIN's. 
 THEY KIN GO SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT A DRINK." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 141 
 
 It was on such an occasion that Uncle Hank was attracted to 
 the animals on parade. As the camels passed he remarked :^ 
 
 " By crackee, what a lesson them camels teach human bem's. 
 They kin go seven days without er drink." 
 
 " Yes," replied a bystander, " but what satisfaction they get 
 out of a drink when they do get one ; it has such a long way to 
 travel through their long throats that it well repays them for 
 their long abstinence. By the way, speaking of animals, did 
 you know there was a lion roaming about the grounds, loose?' 
 "A lion ? " exclaimed Uncle Hank in alarm. 
 " Yes ; the Lion of the day, President McKinley." 
 " Is ther President here ?" 
 " Yes, over on the Plaza." 
 Wall, I won't miss Mac ef I know et ! " and he strode off in 
 the direction of the Plaza. When he arrived there he found 
 the " Lion " in the shape of the President, who was surrounded 
 by an enthusiascic multitude. 
 
 Uncle Hank worked his way to the center of the group 
 where the Chief Magistrate was holding a levee, and, with true 
 Yankee modesty, made himself the spokesman of the occasion 
 " Mr. Preserdent, yer th' most Democratic Preserdent we've 
 had since Linken." 
 
 The crowd cheered the old man, and the President smiled 
 broadly as he replied diplomatically : 
 
 "Well, gentlemen, I thank you for your cordiality—" 
 " Speech ! Speech !" called out several voices in the assem- 
 blage, which had now augmented considerably, and the Presi- 
 dent was compelled to get up on the steps of the Music Stand 
 and speak to them before they would consent to let him go. 
 
 An American crowd always likes to be talked to. It will 
 hover around a stump speaker or a street-corner fakir like flies 
 around a molasses barrel. Wm. J. Bryan gathered them by 
 thousands in his memorable campaigns, and you would natu- 
 rally think that he would carry the country by storm on Elec- 
 
 THE LION OF THE DAY. 
 
 \ 
 
AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 143 
 
 tion Day, judging by the enthusiastic gatherings that greeted 
 him, but the American citizen, while very careful in bestowing 
 his ballot, is very lavish in his applause, as he deems some re- 
 ward is due to the on.e who has entertained him. 
 
 " O ! as a bee upon the flower, I hang 
 Upon the honey of thy eloquent tongue." 
 
 — BULWER. 
 
 Uncle Hank saw the crowd surging into Music Temple, and, 
 yielding to his impulse to follow, he soon found himself inside 
 the portals of the Temple consecrated to melody which was so 
 soon to become transformed by the discordant sounds of the 
 assassin's pistol. President McKinley stood right in front of 
 the Majestic Organ, surrounded by eager citizens striving to 
 express their love and admiration of the Chief Magistrate of 
 the Republic through the medium of a handshake. The Presi- 
 dent stood erect, with head bare and face radiant with kindli- 
 ness and good humor. 
 
 The crowd kept passing by in rapid style, and Mr. McKinley 
 was in high spirits. 
 
 No one noticed in the crowd a fairly thick-set young man, 
 with curly brownish hair, who kept moving slowly with the 
 rest. 
 
 He had a cap under his arm. His left hand was bound up 
 in a white handkerchief. 
 
 Bat there was nothing suspicious — nothing but the clean 
 silk handkerchief, that looked as if the young inan had hurt 
 his hand and bound it up. Not a vSoul guessed that, concealed 
 in the folds of the handkerchief was an ugly little revolver— a 
 3 2 -calibre derringer, carrying five short cartridges. 
 
 The President reached out his right hand ; the man reached 
 out quickly. The President smiled. 
 
 For an answer the man reached his left hand around, just as 
 a pugilist might try to give his opponent a quick jab in the 
 
 THE ASSASSINATION OF 
 THE PRKSIDKNT. 
 
THE anarchist's PROMFIER. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 145 
 
 ribs. He pressed his hand against the black frock coat of the thk anarchist's work. 
 President and pulled the trigger. 
 
 Suddenly there was a great commotion around the President, 
 and a second later a pistol report rang out, and immediately 
 after another. The sharp crack of the revolver echoed against, 
 the pipes of the big organ, and the fine acoustic qualities of the 
 hall caused the shots to reverberate back and forth until it ap- 
 peared as if a dozen assassins were at work. 
 
 Like an electric flash the cry spread : 
 
 " The President is shot !" and wild confusion reigned in the 
 Auditorium. People rushed hither and thither ; everyone 
 seemed panic-stricken. 
 
 Suddenly there was a deep roar : " Lynch him! Lynch the 
 assassin !" 
 
 Ever and again some man's voice would cry out : " Don't let 
 him get away!" and there would be a score of answering shouts 
 of " Kill him ! Hang him ! Take him up on the arch and burn 
 him! Burn him at the stake !" 
 
 During all the tumult Unde Hank stood mutely by, awe- 
 stricken at the terrible spectacle he had been an involuntary 
 witness of. 
 
 But he came to his senses when he heard the cry for Lynch 
 Law. 
 
 " Thar ye go !" he exclaimed, " show yer disrespect fer the 
 law by breakin' it. Thet's what breeds Anarchists. If ye'd 
 show the misguided lunatics the awful power ov th' law ye'd 
 terrorize 'em more than ye will by usin' brute force. Show 'em 
 th' true majesty ov th' law and th' red devils'l slink inter ther 
 holes an' tremble with fear." 
 
 The entire Exposition was now in a turmoil. All was con- 
 sternation. A strange atmosphere enveloped everything. On 
 the Midway the Ballyhoos were stilled, the clowns, with serious 
 faces, asked the barkers for additional particulars of the trag- 
 edy. ' Ki-ki, the imitation monkey at the " House Upside 
 
146 
 
 AROUND THE ''PAN." 
 
 ANXIOUS DAYS. 
 
 Down," grew serious, and his ff^ce took on a solemn aspect as 
 he asked a hurrying guard if the President still lived. 
 
 Within the big Exposition buildings similar scenes were 
 enacted. Booths were hastily covered up and closed, and the 
 exhibitors hastened to the scene of the shooting. 
 
 The Music Temple was soon surrounded by an immense 
 throng, and universal sympathy was expressed for the unfortu- 
 nate President. There was no mistaking McKinley's popular- 
 ity. Having assumed the Presidency at a time of industrial 
 depression, the country had progressed during his administra- 
 tion to most marvelous prosperity. He was identified in the 
 public mind with contentment, happiness, pecuniary indepen- 
 dence and remunerative employment of labor and capital, un- 
 precedented in the history of the country. McKinley and the 
 American home had become synonymous terms. His beautiful 
 and chivalric devotion to his invalid wife had endeared him to 
 every family. 
 
 As for the assassin, the most bitter denunciation of him and 
 of the Anarchistic fanatics who had inspired him in his atro- 
 cious deed, was heard on every side. Uncle Hank voiced the 
 sentiment of the majority of people when he said to a by- 
 stander : 
 
 "Th em Anarchists is like rattlesnakes; fust they rattle dan- 
 gerous warnin's and then they strike a deadly blow. No 
 civilized commimity ez safe while they're about. It's high 
 time they waz exterminated ; jes' make it high treason when 
 they rattle on' about removin' rulers ; an' let ther strong arm 
 of ther law grasp 'em around th' neck an' strangle 'em tew 
 death before they hev time tew coil an' strike. Naow ye see 
 th' danger ov 'lowin' ther scum of Europe tew cum inter th' 
 country. Yer quarantine yaller fever, but ye never think ov 
 quarantinin red anarchy, which is a sight more dangerous 
 diseese," and Uncle Hank moved off very much depressed at 
 the terrible scenes he had witnessed that day. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 t47 
 
 The President is Dead. 
 
 After a week of cheering bulletins from the sick chamber 
 this was the message that greeted the nation on the morning 
 of the Fourteenth of September. 
 
 After Hope had been enthroned, and there seemed to be no 
 possibility of a fatal termination to the cowardly assassin's 
 work, there came the direful message— DEAD. 
 
 It was hard to realize. 
 
 Its full import failed to impress all because of its awful 
 significance. 
 
 The President was Dead, and with his death came a fuller 
 realization of his sterling qualities, his noble patriotism, his 
 perfect manhood, and his inherent kindliness of heart, which 
 had endeared him to his fellow-countrymen. 
 
 There was no North, no South, no East, no West ; and all 
 partisanship was sunk in a common grief, and the hand of 
 good-fellowship was extended in this hour of national calamity. 
 
 The tears welled up in Uncle Hank's eyes as he softly mur- 
 mured the dying words of the stricken President : " It is God's 
 will ; God's will be done." 
 
 Nothing in his life 
 Became him like the leaving it; he died 
 As one that had been studied in his death, 
 To throw away the dearest thing he owned, 
 As 'twere a careless trifle. 
 
 — Shakespeare. 
 
 The nation deeply mourned in its great affliction, and busi- 
 ness halted. The Exposition closed its gates for two days, 
 and when it resumed its life again it was draped with sombre 
 tokens of mourning but little in keeping with its gay mission. 
 
148 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 A HIGH ROOM. 
 
 RAM 
 ROOM 
 
 To It 
 
 Uncle Hank realized that he would have to make several 
 journeys to the Exposition, and, wishing to be nearer to the 
 grounds, he had one morning secured a room in one of the 
 many private residences thrown open to Pan-American visitors 
 by the frugal residents of Buffalo. 
 
 A placard on the door announced : 
 
 Booms to Let, 
 $1.00 Up. 
 
 He concluded this about suited his pocketbook, and after an 
 interview with the sharp-featured landlady, paid her a dollar, 
 on the assurance that she would have a nice room ready for 
 him on his return from the Exposition. 
 
 After ringing the door bell of his new quarters several times, 
 the door was finally opened by a frowsy-headed maid-of-all- 
 work, who recognized him immediately, and ushered him in. 
 
 "You're the gent as hired a room this mornin' ?" she in- 
 quired. 
 
 " I'm that same individool thet paid yer mistress a dollar fer 
 a room ; is she to hum ?" 
 
 " She's gone ter market, but I kin show ye up. This way, 
 please." And she led the way up several flights of wheezy^ 
 creaking stairs to the top of the house. 
 
 Uncle Hank was out of breath when he reached a small attic 
 room close to the roof. 
 
 "This be'ant what I bargained fer. I want one ov them 
 rooms down stairs ; I paid what yer sign called fer, a dollar fer 
 a room." 
 
 "I guess you didn't read the sign right ; it reads $1 00 up, 
 and this is up as high as ye can git," and the girl grinned from 
 
15° 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 DEADHEADS. 
 
 ear to ear, and then suggested that he could get one of the 
 rooms down stairs by paying more money. 
 
 He soon realized that he was in for it, so resolved to make 
 the best of his bad bargain, and as he was very tired he was 
 soon lost in slumber, disturbed only by the onslaught of an 
 army of Pan-American bedbugs that would surely have taken 
 first prize had they been placed on exhibition in the big show. 
 
 Sleep, that knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care; 
 
 The death of each day's life, sore labor's bath, 
 
 Balm of hurt minds, great Nature's second course, 
 
 Chief nourisher in life's feast. —Shakespeare. 
 
 When Uncle Hank reached the Exposition g'rounds next day, 
 he noticed a long line of people peeping through holes in the 
 fence surrounding the Indian Village, trying to get a free view 
 of the Indians within. 
 
 " Beats all, how people's alius lookin fer somethin fer 
 nothin," he exclaimed, as he passed through the turnstile on 
 his way into the Exposition. 
 
 As he walked up the broad avenue leading from the entrance, 
 he encountered several wheel-chairs with their occupants 
 twisting their necks in every direction as they pushed past the 
 different attractions. 
 
 " Seems ter me," he observed, " they'd twist their heads off 
 ridin in them chairs on wheels. 1 guess thet's whar ther rub- 
 ber neck's cultivated. Now ef people warnt so blamed lazy 
 they'd see a heap sight more by walkin ; what with bicycles, 
 trolley cars, ought-to-mo-biles and sich, they'll lose ther use of 
 legs altugether, and az fer walkin upstairs— elly-vaters '11 make 
 us a weak-kneed race. In another generashun they won't be 
 able tew do ther wonders thev're doin now in all walks ov life, 
 fer they won't be able tew walk." 
 
'I GUKSS THET's WHAR TIIER RUBBER, NECK'S CIJITIVAIED," 
 
152 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 THE POPULIST, 
 
 This made Uncle Hank feel tired, and he concluded to sit 
 down on one of the convenient green benches which abound 
 throughout the grounds. On the bench in question sat an old 
 farmer like himself absorbed in a newspaper. As soon as he 
 saw that our hero intended sitting down, he made room for 
 him in a most accommodating way. 
 
 He was a good type of a far Western farmer, with broad 
 shoulders and a well-knit frame that showed evidences of hard 
 work on a large prairie farm. His face was almost concealed 
 by a large luxuriant beard, just beginning to show grizzlied, 
 and his eyes shone with an intelligence only to be found in 
 farmers under the Stars and Stripes. 
 
 *' These seats be tarnal good places tew roost arter a hot 
 tramp thru them hot buildins," he observed, as Hank took his 
 seat. 
 
 "Wal, I dunno but what yer right," replied the Yankee. " I 
 calklate yew be a farmer?" 
 Yep, I be one ; be yew ?" 
 
 " Yas, I be a farmer in a small sort er way, down East. Ye 
 see farmin aint what et used ter be in our section ; them big- 
 farms aout West kin raise crops cheap'rn we kin on account ov 
 hevin ter use no fertilizers," explained Hank. 
 
 " Wal," replied the other, " I'm a Western farmer. I'm from 
 Nebrasky, and I've got a hundred an sixty acres o' prairie land 
 under cultivation, but when ye kin git only eighteen cents a 
 bushil fer corn, et don't make no diffrence ef ye don't hev tew 
 use no fertilizers. Them raleroads an elevator men git all ther 
 profit ther is in farmin in ther West, an ez ther stock an bonds 
 ov th' companies ez owned in the East, I reckon yew Down- 
 Easters ain't got nothin tew complain ov." 
 
 This allusion to Yankee thrift rather nettled the Down- 
 Easter, but he soon recovered his composure, and he rejoined : 
 
 "Then, tew use ther slang ov th' day— Farmin's on the 
 Hog." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN," 
 
 153 
 
 " No, not exactly, et's more like ez th' Hog waz on ther 
 Farmer," and he slapped the Yankee a good-natured whack on 
 the back. 
 
 Ill fares the land, to hastening ills a prey, 
 Where wealth accumulates, and men decay. 
 Princes and lords may flourish, or may fade, 
 A breath can make them as a breath has made; 
 But a bold peasantry, their country's pride. 
 When once destroyed, can never be supplied. 
 
 —Goldsmith. 
 
 At this juncture a couple of South Americans passed by. 
 
 " Thar's th solution ov th hull bizness !" exclaimed the New 
 Englander, waving his hand in the direction of the pair ; " thet's 
 what this Pan Amerikin show ez fer ; tew open up South 
 Ameriky tew th' products ov this country." 
 
 ''Yep, thet's so, ef them tarnal Trusts don't git possession ov 
 th' markit house," replied the Westerner. 
 
 I see yer be sumwhat ov a Populist an yer down on Trusts," 
 said Uncle Hank with a twinkle in his eye. 
 
 '* Wal, now yer shotitin," ejaculated the man from Nebraska. 
 
 '* Them Trusts '1 regttlate themselves by-and-by ; tain't no 
 use talkin. Trusts air not all bad ; some does good in cheap'nin 
 ter necessities an bringin th' cost ov em daown so thet we kin 
 hev ther benefit ov em," observed the Yankee ; " an besides th' 
 time ez comin when th' gov'ment'l hev charge, an then we'll 
 hev ideel conditions." 
 
 " Wal," rejoined the Westerner, " it ain't wuth our arguin' 
 about, cos we kant settle it nohow ; hev ye seen th' fine cattle 
 over yonder?" 
 
 "Not yit." 
 
 " Wal, let's go over an' inspect 'em ; I reckon we'll see sum- 
 thin' thet'l interest us both." 
 
 And the pair proceeded to view the pedigreed Jerseys and 
 Alderneys of high degree. 
 
 AGRICULTURAL PROBLEMS. 
 
154 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 THE ARISTOCRATS. 
 
 The cattle displayed in this section of the Exposition were 
 the aristocrats of their species. They were too select to asso- 
 ciate with the cattle owned by such farmers as Uncle Hank 
 and his Western friend. 
 
 "They're tew rich for my blood," observed the Yankee 
 farmer, "et's sech horny-handed farmers ez Rockefeller, Mor- 
 ton, Cassatt, Havemeyer an" ther like ez kin afford to hev cows 
 costin' three an' four thousand dollars each, in ther barns." 
 
 "Yep, thet's so," assented the Westerner, " an' I reckon they 
 ought tew git a couple ov dollars a pound fer the butter tew 
 make 'em pay a dividend." 
 
 " Wal," chimed in Hank, " I calklate me an' you'll hev tew 
 stick tew brindles an' sookeys fer ther present." 
 
 Nevertheless, the importation of fine breed of cattle by 
 wealthy men addicted to farming does a world of good for the 
 farmers throughout the country, as it unquestionably raises 
 the quality of the cattle, and in time reaches the barns of all 
 the farmers in the country. 
 
 Uncle Hank now resolved to go it alone, as he found that his 
 Western friend's ideas did not chord with his own. The prairie 
 farmer cared only for such things as appertained to agricul- 
 ture, while the Yankee farmer was interested in almost every- 
 thing on exhibition. 
 
 "Wal, stranger," exclaimed the Westerner, " I think I'll put 
 in ther rest ov ther day lookin up them new-fangled mowin' 
 an' reapin' masheens, an' as I don't s'pose they interest yer th' 
 way they dew me, I guess I'll hev ter leave yer." And with a 
 cordial handshake they parted company. 
 
 " Thet's th' reason them Western farmers kant git mor'n 
 eighteen cents fer korn. They cum tew a grate exherbisliun 
 like this an' kant see nothin' beyond Farmin' Implements," 
 and he strode down the Plaza to continue his sightseeing tour 
 in his own way. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 155 
 
 He had reached the entrance of the Ethnology Building, a vassar 
 and, as his former trip had been a hasty one, he determined to 
 look in again. 
 
 The exhibition of stone implements was a very complete one, 
 and attracted a great deal of attention. A bystander remarked 
 to Uncle Hank that a sight of such crude stone implements 
 tended to show what enormous strides had been made since the 
 time they were in use. 
 
 " Wal, I dunno," retorted Hank. " Ef ye go tew one ov them 
 swell affairs ov ther Four Hundred down tew Newport an see 
 th' thousands ov dollars wuth ov preshus stones they decorate 
 themselves with, ye wouldn't think we'd intirely passed out ov 
 the Stone Age yit." 
 
 He was greatly interested in the exhibition of antique 
 fossils, and was examining them minutely when he noticed a 
 very nice-looking young lady also examining them closely. 
 He divined that she must be a Vassar College Girl, so he quite 
 casually inquired of her: "Be you interested in old fossils, 
 Miss ? " 
 
 "No ; I'm only interested in young men," pertly replied the 
 up-to-date miss. 
 
 " By ginger, thet's a good one !" exclaimed the old fellow, 
 " an' I don't blame ye, nuther." 
 
 Youth, I do adore thee ; 
 
 O, my love, my love is young. 
 
 Age, I do defy thee. 
 
 O, shepherd, hie thee, 
 
 For methinks thou stay'st too long. 
 
 Shakespeare. 
 
 He exhaustively studied the rest of the exhibits, and then 
 wended his way to his domicile to recuperate for a trip to 
 Niagara Falls on the following day. 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 # 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
156 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 UN'CLE HANK SEES THE 
 GORGF. 
 
 Uncle Hank visited Niagara Falls as part of the Exposition, 
 and nothing of special interest happened until he arrived. Then 
 he was besieged by a crowd of leather-lunged hackmen, all 
 eager to get a big fare for a short ride. Our hero smiled in a 
 broad-gauge way, and listened for a few minutes to their 
 vociferous importunities. One hackman cried out : 
 
 " Say, boss, I'll take you to see the gorge for two dollars and 
 explain it all to you." 
 
 "By gum, ye call me boss," mused Uncle Hank, "and thet 
 makes me think I'm great shakes, but, tew hum, I hev my 
 doubts about being a boss. Yer kin bet yer bottom dollar, I 
 try ter be ther boss ; but I'm taken down a peg or two, by 
 gum, when I run agin ther domestic outfit. My hull life, then, 
 ter quoate Grover Cleveland, ain't one hull sweet song, one 
 chewin' gum holerday, but a mess of prickly ash and Mexican 
 cacktuss. Won't ye call me boss agin, boys; it sounds like I'm 
 ther profit away from hum," 
 
 " Say, what yer given me ?" said the hackman. 
 
 " I ain't givin' them ther two dollars, not by a jugful." 
 
 This hackman, who had to listen to Uncle Hank's harangue 
 on his new title of boss, went away disgusted, and another one 
 tackled the rural sage, an ostensibly easy mark : " I will take 
 you to see the gorge for two dollars and throw in Goat Island.' 
 
 "That uther feller wanted ter charge me two dollars, and I 
 couldn't and wouldn't pay thet extortionation sum." 
 
 "Well, Uncle, I'll do better; I'll take you to see the gorge 
 for one dollar and throw in Goat Island." 
 
 "By gum, young feller, I'll go yer. I jist make one dollar 
 by this yer transacshun, and thet is one hundred per cent, ter 
 the good. Yer won't let me get wet, Mr. Hackman ?" 
 
 " Your wiskers may get a little damp, and you will be hot 
 under the collar ; but this happens to all new-comers here," 
 said the hackman as he winked at his fellow-jehus. 
 
 Uncle Hank jumped into the hack, proud that he had made 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 157 
 
 "BE YOU INTERESTED IN OLD FOSSILS, MISS?" 
 
 one hundred per cent, on his bargain and 
 was whirled around the corner. The driver 
 took several turns, and would occasionally 
 give vent to unrestrained ha! ha ! he ! he! 
 haw! haws ! In a few minutes he reached a 
 kind of alleyway and turned down. At the 
 end was a cheap frankfurter stand, and a big 
 German stood by eating sausages and sour- 
 
isS AROUND THE '<PAN." 
 
 TMK HACKMAN'S JOKK. krout like a glutton. His capacious mouth was filled to reple- 
 tion as the hackman called out : 
 
 "Uncle, there is the gorge. See it ; see him ! Now jump 
 out I" 
 
 Uncle Hank realized that he had been sold, but he was game, 
 and indignantly cried out : " But whar is the island, young 
 feller?" 
 
 "See, there is the goat," pointing to a billy goat quietly 
 grazing in a vacant lot, " the island is just behind him and is 
 chiefly land, except when it rains, and then it is partly water. 
 Don't go near the goat ; it will butt you off the Falls." The 
 hackman drove off laughing, leaving the rural tourist hot 
 under the collar, and ready for any kind of reprisal. 
 
 Later Uncle Hank saw the Falls, and his first exclamation 
 enchained the attention of a party of tourists : 
 
 " Wal, wal, ther think I'm whar ther water cums hurriedly 
 down ther hill, and a purty good sized one, too. Gosh, Si 
 Dusenberry, ther Deacon up my way, sed he onct swum ther 
 Rappanhannock River during the war with four bullets in 
 him and never got his har wet. Guess ther Deacon would get 
 his har too damp for dryin ef he swum thet body ov fallin 
 water. Buj; ther aint water thar enough ter wash all of Uncle 
 Sam's sitosens in ther new possessions clean ef they washed fur 
 yeers and furever. No, sir, thar clothes can't be cleaned, not 
 even with all Nigeraroo and soap." 
 
 "I would just like to know why their clothes can't be 
 cleaned ?" queried a disciple of Senator George F. Hoar, who 
 stood by. 
 
 " Wal, ther can't, by gum !" replied Uncle Hank. 
 
 " That is the way with you seedy bearded farmers ; you 
 assert things and can't prove them. I demand that you give 
 one sensible reason why the clothes of the Filipinos canno't be 
 cleaned." The people stood around eagerly to hear Uncle 
 Hank's answer to the mad disciple of Senator Hoar. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 159 
 
 " I aint heard yit thet they wear any clothes," unclk hank , 
 
 A shout of laughter that almost rose above the roar of the the falls. 
 
 mighty waters came from the little group who heard the 
 colloquy and the disciple of George Frisbie Hoar went away 
 muttering. 
 
 They wanted to take Uncle Hank imder the Falls, but he 
 would not consent. " I've just got nuff horse sense to git out 
 o' the rain," he said, " So ye can't git me ter pay ter git under 
 sich a tremenjious downpore as thet, not this yere o' my 
 natchuel life." It was explained that the momentum of such 
 a large body of water hurled it far enough over the chasm to 
 permit people to walk behind and not get wet, only a little 
 damp. 
 
 " Wal, I aint takin my chances, by gum, on thet momento, 
 for it might jist let up for a minoote er two and whar would 
 yer Uncle Hank be ? Ask uf ther waves thet rock ther cradul 
 of ther deep. Thar jist be two kind o' fools : ther one thet 
 rushed in where anguls fear to trod and ther one thet pays 
 ter see how narrer his escape can be." 
 
 Looking at the Rapids, Uncle Hank saw the Suspension 
 Bridge and innocently asked what kind of a bridge it was. 
 
 A woman who had been through college replied : 
 
 "That is a cantelever bridge." 
 
 " Thank you, mum. How pooetercal, can't-leave-her !" 
 
 " Sir, I am a graduate of Vassar College and I know how to 
 pronounce. I said cantelever and not cantleaver !" she in- 
 dignantly exclaimed. 
 
 " Agin I thank you, mum. Ther nevv-fangulled prununcer- 
 ashun is a leetle too much for me when I'm fur away from 
 hum. Thet is the English prununcerashun, I guess. Cant- 
 leave-her is all right and I aint kicking. Caurse Kanerday 
 cant leave us and thet bridge is ther bindin cord. Uncle Sam 
 is ther bow and Kanerday is ther gal. I guess yer Kollege 
 gals hed ruther hev larnin' then husbands." 
 
i6o 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 THE cANT-LEAVE-iiKR- " Sir, a husband is a superfluous appendage," she scornfully 
 
 BRIDGE, cried. 
 
 "Yer aint sassing me, is yer, sissy? This superfluous 
 pendergee business is too much fur me. I guess tho' ther 
 husband is jest like ther cant-leave-her-bridge ; he jist kind o' 
 stays round ther house and lets them all walk over him cause 
 he's thar and can't git away." 
 
 " Well, I'll show you that I can leave, sir, and not emulate 
 the bridge in any respect." The Vassar gir), who had gradu- 
 ated years ago, walked rapidly away as Uncle Hank fired a 
 parting Parthian shot ! 
 
 " Them thet has no bridge uf matrimony, it seems, is worser 
 tempered then ther ones who hev ther ' Cant-leave her bridge!' " 
 Uncle Hank concluded he would cross the bridge and be in 
 "furrin parts," as he expressed it. He first ate a frugal lunch 
 and was in such a hurry to get to " furrin parts " that he failed 
 to wipe the breadcrumbs from his Horace Greeley throat 
 whiskers. He got across all right, picked up some of the dirt, 
 looked at it, put it down and said, " By gosh, taint anny richer 
 then the sile ter hum." After remaining in "furrin parts" 
 twenty minutes he started back, and was promptly met by a 
 customs official and asked if he had any dutiable goods con- 
 cealed upon his person. 
 
 " Wal, what do ye take me fur ? A furrin traveler bringing 
 sparkling stuns back?" Dootyable goods? Why all my 
 clothes hev done me double dooty and by golly sum of these 
 old pantalooneys hev been reseated." Uncle Hank would 
 have continued, but the officer saw a chance to have sport with 
 the farmer and cut him short : 
 
 " I see you have bread stuffs on you, and perhaps salt, and 
 they are dutiable." 
 
 " Wal, I guess ye hev them eagle eyes I hev red erbout," 
 replied Uncle Hank. "Yer can see thro' stun walls, and cum 
 ther think, I suppose yer hev second sight, hevn't ye ?" 
 
l62 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 Don't try to pass, for you have concealed, or partly con- 
 cealed, breadstuff in those bushwhackers of yours. Th^ymust 
 be weighed, and perhaps your whiskers may be confiscated." 
 
 Uncle Hank now saw the officer was a wag, and it made 
 him retort : 
 
 " Say, young man, I hev jist paid a dollar to see ther gorge, 
 and them stray komissary bits yer eagle eyes hev diskuvered 
 air all thet is left ov ther gorge." 
 
 The general laugh followed, and Uncle Hank was given a' 
 smuggler's-delight cheroot, and went on his way puffing. 
 
 Strolling to the great Falls, Uncle Hank noticed a beautiful 
 rainbow hovering just over the precipice. 
 
 While he was gazing in admiration at it he felt as if rain 
 were coming from below, and, quickly opening his umbrella, 
 he held it downwards to keep off the deluge. It was the spray 
 that shot upwards from the vast mass of waiers that surged 
 over the Falls and dashed below in reckless abandcn. 
 
 " By gum ! this is ther fust time," he exclaimed, "thet ther 
 rain hez ever cum up from below. Guess it may be rainin' in 
 China, and kind o' soakin through. It 'pears like things er 
 somewhat upside down when ther rain strikes yer feet fore- 
 most. I don't mind gettin' my hed wet, fer I kin soon dry it 
 hevin' burnin' thoughts, but when my firm foundations are 
 soaked ter ther brim it ez not such an easy thing ter git agin 
 on a proherbishon basis." 
 
 " Say, Uncle, your umbrella is leaking," cried out a passing 
 wag. 
 
 " Thet's right, young feller," he admitted. " It ez leakin' on 
 ther outside, an' thet is not givin' me any consarn. Do yer 
 know thet damp feet an' attendin' to uther peopull's bizerness 
 ez kalkerlated tew make the most pius bald. Jist remember 
 thet an' go and soak your head, young feller, in ther waters of 
 wisdum. Ye won't be bald-headed so soon." 
 
 " Well, Uncle, you have not got as many bats in your belfry 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 163 
 
 as I imagined," was the wag's response. " Just take a few col- 
 ors of the rainbow home, won't you, and let your people know 
 that you have seen the Falls and were sober enough to secure 
 a souvenir." 
 
 " Maybe yer think I'm color blind ?" responded the Yankee. 
 " I ain't even hed ther blind staggurs, and ther beauty of ther 
 rainbow is dooly appreciated by yers trooly. I'll bet ye can't 
 tell all the colors in thet bow, young feller." 
 
 The young man named a few of the cardinal colors, and 
 finally admitted he could not name them all. Uncle Hank 
 then astonished him by saying : " Can yer spell 
 
 VIBYOR ?" 
 
 When the would-be wag answered in the negative Uncle 
 Hank then explained that the six letters represented the great 
 fundamental colors— violet, indigo, blue, yellow, orange and 
 red. 
 
 Shake, old man !" said the wag. " I will remember that pe- 
 culiar word, vibyor, and also remember you." 
 
 Uncle Hank said: "Wal, don't ask me fur a lock uv my 
 hair; I'm goin' tew keep it in my buserness." 
 
 As Uncle Hank seated himself on the trolley car on his re- 
 turn from Niagara Falls he discovered that the young man 
 ahead of him was none other than the hackman who had shown 
 him the Gorge for a dollar. 
 
 He scratched his head for a few minutes trying to devise 
 some scheme whereby he might get even with the '< Smart 
 Aleck," as he termed him. 
 
 As the car started he tapped the young man on the shoulder 
 
 and inquired : 
 
 " An' ye goin daown tew Buffalo tew show them Pan-Ameri- 
 kin visitors%um new ' Gorges ' fer a dollar a look ?" 
 "Ha, ha ! Uncle," he replied, " that was one on you," 
 "Yas," retorted Hank. "That waz one on me an I s'pose 
 yew folks considers yer orful smart." 
 
164 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 UNCLE HANK GETS EVEN. " We're too Smart for you Yankees ; you ought to come up 
 
 here to finish your education ; do you know you are now- 
 travelling- on the fastest trolley line in the world ?" 
 
 As Hank looked out of the window he retorted : " Oh I 
 dunno, this road pears tew me tew be runnin' tew seed, fer I 
 hearn tell thet they waz raisin fruit between th' rales." 
 
 At this the local pride of the hackman was hurt, so he 
 rejoined : 
 
 " I'll bet you a dollar you can't prove that assertion !" 
 
 "Oh, yes, I kin," retorted the Yankee. " Put up yer dollar." 
 
 With this they each placed a dollar note in the hands of a 
 fellow-passenger who had taken a great interest in the conver- 
 sation. When this was done the hackman cried out : " Now 
 name the fruit and the place where they are raisin' it on this 
 line." 
 
 " Wal," exclaimed the old man, with a twinkle in his eye, 
 " ther raisin currents— electrical currents— on ther wire jest 
 above this car." 
 
 The passengers laughed at this, and the stakeholder passed 
 over the money to Uncle Hank, who remarked as he pocketed 
 it, "They raised em daown in the ' Gorge,' too." 
 
 ********** * ^ 
 
 Not having anything particular on hand as was his wont. 
 Uncle Hank wandered into the Government Building next day 
 and proceeded leisurely to inspect its exhibits. 
 
 The most popular section of this popular building was the 
 southeast corner, devoted to the Patent Office. Then there 
 was to be found the electrograph, the machine which transmits 
 pictures by wire ; the tel-autograph, which enables you to 
 write your signature ever so many miles away. The voting 
 machine, the biograph, and also a very interesting demonstra- 
 tion of wireless telegraphy, all of which he scrutinized closely. 
 
'HE OUGHT TEW BK TKACHIN EM TEW WEAR MORK CT.OTHES SO'S TEW GIV 
 
 th' wool trust a chance"— . 
 
i66 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 IN iiNci,K sam's building. He HOW toolc time to examine carefully the excellent life- 
 
 like groups of Indians in a row of glass cases. These groups 
 looked like wax figures, but they were really cast in plaster, 
 colored so artistically that they simulated life to a marked 
 extent. 
 
 One group in particular attracted his attention. It repre- 
 sented an Indian teaching a boy to shoot with bow and arrow, 
 and was intensely life-like, 
 
 " Thet Injun's teachin th' risin generashun tew use ther bow 
 an arrer," said he, "when he ought tew be teachin em tew 
 wear more clothes so's tew give the Wool Trust a chance ter 
 earn bigger dividends, 
 
 " But, all jokin aside," he continued to a bystander, " them's 
 the most lifelike figgers 1 ever see, fer I'm a grate beelever in 
 pictures an statoos tew educate ther people. Naow look et 
 them figgers ! Ye cud read a hull book thru and not git half 
 th' infermation frum et thet ye cud git frum one glance et th' 
 figgers in them show cases." 
 
 The old man's taste in such matters led him to spend a 
 couple of hours in this vicinity, studying this carefully pre- 
 pared exhibit of Uncle Sam's. 
 
 The tastes of visitors to the Exposition often differed very 
 materially. Young couples frequently had their first quarrel, 
 and married people fought like cats and dogs over their likes 
 and dislikes at the show. 
 
 "I think you're horrid to compel me to spend the whole day 
 looking at machinery," exclaimed a young miss to her escort, 
 "I'm tired of Machinery Hall." 
 
 " Well, yesterday we spent the entire day looking at em- 
 broideries and laces," retorted her swain. 
 
 "Now, Maria!" exclaimed a married man to his spouse "T 
 won't stand fer this ; here we've been all day long nosein 
 around these jars ov pickles, an apple butter, an preserves." 
 
 " Well," Hezekiah, mildly protested the old lady, " it's real 
 
'I THINK you're horrid TO COMPEL ME TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY 
 LOOKING AT MACHINERY." 
 
i68 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 instructin, an a sight better'n spendin th' day among them 
 rocks an stones in the Mining Buildin as we did yesterday." 
 
 Just back of Horticultural Building stood two darkies from 
 Dixieland engaged in a heated argument over the merits and 
 demerits of their likes and dislikes in regard to the different 
 exhibits. 
 
 "I say, Deacon Johnsing, I'm done tired ob lookin at dem 
 Watah-Millyuns in dat Hor-te-cul-suah Buildin ; I done radder 
 spend mah time lookin at de chickens in dem inkubators," ex- 
 claimed the fat one of the pair, who looked as if he was an ex- 
 pert in the poultry line. And so the contention and bickering 
 would continue through all classes, and proved the adage that 
 " what's one man's meat is another man's poison." 
 
 No profit grows where no pleasure's ta'en ; 
 In brief, sir, study what you most affect. 
 
 — Shakespeare. 
 
 Fully two-thirds of the visitors to the Pan-American Expo- 
 sition were women, and to consider it properly, this is not to be 
 wondered at. It is fitting and proper that a beautiful Fair 
 should be patronized by the Fair Sex. 
 
 The woiuen visitors were worth a study. There was the 
 woman from the New England States, who it is commonly 
 supposed to be spectacled and excessively cultured and eccen- 
 tric ; but there is no brighter or more typically American girl 
 than the fair resident of Boston and the adjacent cities of New 
 England. Then the Western girl; she of the boundless 
 prairies ; free and buoyant in manner and speech. There is a 
 breeziness about the Western type that seems born of the 
 cyclonic atmosphere from which it springs. 
 
 And the lady from the Sunny South ; she same to the Ex- 
 position like a true-born Southron ; she daintily tripped through 
 the choicest part of the Exposition, and then repaired to her 
 State building, where she entertained her friends after the 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 THE EXALTATION OF 
 
 WOMANKIND liY 
 
 manner of one accustomed to the purple of aristocracy. But 
 after all there is little to distinguish the different localities 
 from which the true American springs, as there is a certain in- 
 dependent air pervading all sections alike. 
 
 The Pan-American Exposition possesses many feminine 
 characteristics in that it is somewhat painted up, and it is 
 brilliantly beje^veled in the evenings by its myriads of electric 
 lights. Furthermore, by it womankind is elevated to the high- 
 est altitude, its- highest pinnacle being surmounted by a repre- 
 sentative woman — "The Goddess of Light." 
 
 Oulcl Nature swears, the lovely dears 
 
 Her noblest work she classes, O ; 
 Her 'prentice han' she tried on man, 
 
 An' then she made the lasses, O. 
 
 — Burns. 
 
 By chance Uncle Hank strayed into the elegant building 
 erected by Chili, and his ears were greeted by Spanish words 
 so thick that it sounded as if guttural r's were being hurled 
 from catapults through the air. He bowed to several Chilian 
 soldiers standing erect, but got no salute in return. By mis- 
 hap he stumbled against one of the soldiers, and to his dismay 
 discovered that they were waxwork figures dressed in the 
 military costume of the Republic of Chili. 
 
 "By gummy!" he exclaimed, "them air Chillyuns hev got 
 the millishye problem down ter a bevuUed edge pint. They 
 ain't spendin' money on ther eatin' army, but air keepin' up a 
 standin' waxworks army thet is mighty handy in retreatin'.*" 
 
 " How is that ?" queried a military-looking man near by. 
 
 " Wal, ef the enemy gets too hot the Chillyun army uf wax- 
 work soldiers kin melt away !" 
 
 The military man grew red in the face and said : 
 
 "This is trifling with a solid question. Besides, romance 
 lingers around the soldier, for he is the last that is left of the 
 valiant knight and the days of chivalry." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN.- 171 
 
 " Uv kourse, uv kourse," chimed in Uncle Hank, " an' ther 
 way ther Chillyun uses him, ther meltin' mood overtuks him 
 quite oftun. I'm stuck on these wax-works soldiers, I kin tell 
 ye, mister, an' my impressyun is tew deep for mere money- 
 sillabuUs. Be you a soldier or a civilyun?" 
 
 " Sir, I am a retired army officer, and I have been fairly per- 
 forated with bullets, fighting for my country, while you non- 
 o.ombatants remained at home and played politics." 
 
 " I kin' o' guess, then, thet you air a purambalashun sieve, 
 an' kin venterlate yerself jist enny time yerfeel hot under the 
 collar," pityingly said Uncle Hank. 
 
 " Es fer a non-combustionable, maybe I be one. Ter hum 
 ther doo say thet I'm a bloomin' targett fur any shafts thet 
 cum along, an' thet shows how poor a soldier I'd be. Now, es 
 tew ther polerticks. No one ain't ever heard ef me opposin' 
 the soldier morully, pheesically or mentallerly. Every relashun 
 ovmine I've dun my levul best ter get into ther army, and aint 
 wept when they jined and marched away. Polerticks ? Why, 
 ef ye did not hev patriots ter stay at hum and git ther lagurds 
 out whar would ther army be ? Why, on paper, or a kind of 
 waxworks, gumsherlack army that would melt away insted of 
 being retirin' and perferashun like yeself." 
 
 " Shake, old codger," said the old soldier. " You are not so 
 far wrong after all, and the energetic home patriot can do 
 much. Have one with me ?" 
 
 " B'gum, a dozen," cried Uncle Hank ; " it is the first time 
 in this exposishun anyone has asked me ter be social without 
 ther price. Yer air the soldier arter my own notion, an' yer 
 kin eat my roastin' pertaters enny time ye call ter my hum." 
 
 They locked arms and marched to a Bailey eating place, 
 where girls wait on you in a hurried way, as if they wanted to 
 o-et home early to do some knitting or see some beau. The old 
 soldier said politely, as they sat down : " We do not want a 
 course dinner, my friend, but a good old-fashioned home din- 
 ner. How does that strike you ?" 
 
 THE HOME GUARD. 
 
ONCLE HANK DINKS. 
 
 172 AROUND THE ''PAN.- 
 
 " Naterally, I aint hankerin fur koarse grub ; I kin git thet 
 enny day ter hum. I guess we'll do es ther Beeferlonians do- 
 eat ther best thet is going and leave the wurst fur ther stranger 
 within the gate." 
 
 The off.cer laughed and remarked : " You are right ; it does 
 look as if the strangers were not getting all tenderloin and 
 porterhouse, although they pay for it. Please consult your 
 menu and give your order to the waitress." 
 
 Uncle Hank gazed at the card and seemed puzzled. The 
 waitress asked : " Do you wish vermicelli soup ?" 
 
 " Wurmerceller soup ?" he ejaculated, " nary a wurm fur me 
 m er out o' my soup. I've heard tell o' the wurm o' ther still 
 an' ther Diet o' worms an' ther wurm thet turns, but the wurms 
 thet sells— wal, I guess I aint goin ter buy it, not even to git it 
 out er my soup." 
 
 The waitress laughed and whispered to a passing companion : 
 "This old Ruben is nutty." 
 
 "Try mock turtle soup, Uncle Hank," said the officer, who 
 was enjoying the situation. 
 
 "No mocker turtel soup fer me," he answered; "jest beans 
 an' tater soup will do. I aint eddicated ter eat frogs and mud 
 tertells and the like. I kin ricollect whin I went ter the city 
 an tuk some of ther fantum chicken soup. It jist tasted like 
 salt, pepper an' dish water. Wal, I was real mad, 'cause they 
 tole me it waz fine, and would tickull my plebeeum palater, 
 whatever thet may be. B'gum, arter I had swallowed thet 
 mess I jist said as how I would like ter know how they fixed 
 ther thing up. Then I waz tole thet fantum chicken soup 
 were nothin but salt see-water, red pepper and ther fotograff 
 uf a chicken thrun on it jist afore it biled. It made me bilin' 
 mad an' blamed me ef them hash-house oeepul didn't almost 
 bust laffing at me. Gully, but I guess I got kind o' evun. I 
 jist sed I would not let ther stuff pass my lips, and yer kin kal- 
 kerlate I kep my word." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." i73 
 
 " I am glad that you had the nerve to refuse phantom chicken 
 soup We need men of backbone these days, and you farmers 
 must come to the front." The retired army officer was a bon 
 vivant and, seeing that the menu was Greek to Uncle Hank, 
 ordered a regular table d'hote dinner. The farmer did justice 
 to it, and the waitress who said he was "nutty" brought him a 
 small green glass bowl, full of water, in which he could dip his 
 finger, if he desired, and wipe them off. The water m the 
 bowl had a greenish hue, the color of the glass, and Uncle 
 Hank drew back and said : 
 
 "Now, young gal, yer kant git me, nary time once, tew 
 drink thet green rhubarb water ; I hev jist hed all thet I can 
 ackommodate. Do yer think I'd spile my dinner with thet 
 slippery green stuff. Not while my nateral sinces remain." 
 
 The girl laughed immoderately, and the retired officer smiled 
 and dipped both fingers into the bowl. He then wiped them 
 carefully with a napkin. 
 
 " Sakes o' live ! thet is ther way sich green stuff aught ter 
 be treated," he gleefully exclaimed. " Ther soldiers of this yer 
 kountry alnt afreed o' green water, nur white water, nur fire 
 
 water!" •, • i • 
 
 " Sir, I'll give you to understand that I do not drink m the 
 accepted term of the word," sternly said the officer. 
 
 " Wal, I'm glad ter knaw thet yer don't stimerlate tew much. 
 But I met a good lookin gal with a blew ribbon, an she tuk 
 my breath away, givin ther soldier a lammer-baskin, es she 
 called it. 'They jist don't drink, no, not er bit,' she cried m 
 them high top k^^ys thet cum thro' th' nose, 'they jist pore!' 
 An golly, I waz thet happy thet I sed, ' Them air th biys fer 
 me. They take no pisen in thers, but jist pore it out.' Thet 
 o-al giv me a look thet wasn't sweet an says kind o' jokin like : 
 ^Yer need a diagramme. Uncle, uf what I'm talkin about an' 
 a gardeen.' Ther crowd jined in the laff and I sed: 'Yer 
 need a husband ter hum an something ter keep yer beezy'' 
 Ther crowd laffed agin." 
 
 A DINNER AT BAILEY'S. 
 
AN ORIGINAL AMERICAN. 
 
 174 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 When Uncle Hank and the retired army officer separated 
 they were good friends, and even the waitress kindly said : 
 "Uncle Ruben, you beat the deck." 
 
 After finishing his repast Uncle Hank wandered over to the 
 Indian Stockade, where he had met Red Cloud on a former 
 visit. On that occasion he had caught a glimpse of the unique 
 log cabins, and wished to investigate further. He was in a 
 joyous mood, as his good dinner had made him merry and at 
 peace with the world. He expected to find grim warriors in 
 the cabins, but instead a few Indian girls, picturesquely gowned 
 just as they are on the stage, stood behind the counter ready to 
 sell baskets and bead work. 
 
 A few old married women sat around making baskets. 
 
 " Wal, I can't speak ther Choctaw lanquidge, young gal, and 
 I guess ther price o' ther basket is ther price writ on 'ther 
 kerd ?" 
 
 Uncle Hank was astonished to hear the Indian girl say in 
 good English : " I am not a Choctaw ; I am a member of the 
 Iroquois tribe. We speak English here." 
 
 ''Land sakes! young gal," he replied, "yer handle the lan- 
 guidge like er nateral Amerikan." 
 
 "I am an original American and so are my people," she 
 said. " I was graduated from a Philadelphia school and I have 
 read Cooper's novels — have you ?" 
 
 "Now you hev me; the only Kooper I know hez a sider 
 press, an ef I do say it, the stuff aint kalkerlated to kill, fur 
 I've drunk it fur nigh on ten years. Why ef yer could sam'pull 
 thet jooce it would do yer young hart good and make yer 
 think Koopur were sum shakes. 
 
 "My Cooper," she responded, "was a man of learning and 
 has written much about the Indians, especially my tribe. He 
 always makes the white man come out victorious though, no 
 matter how good the Red men may be." 
 
 " Thet is the way thet hiztoory is writ," replied Uncle Hank. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 175 
 
 Ther nashun thet weals ther pen is ther nashun thet wins the pkn is mightier than 
 ther battuUs. Histoory is writ for ther konqueerors an not the sword. 
 
 ther slane. Larnin cums out fust ef ther is a printin press in 
 sight and eny kin o' circulatin meejum. Why, in my deestrict 
 we hev an editor thet hez a paper thet cums out occasionally, 
 an one day Deacon Tucker hed a set to with the pen wealder 
 an licked him clean over a ten-aker field. I saw them fit my- 
 self an tuk the editor hum, all broken up ! ' I aint licked, I aint 
 konquered !' he sed when he could git in a wurd er two 'tween 
 his broken tooths. I kind o' thought his mind waz wonderin 
 and sez I : ' No, yer aint licked, jist temperarilly disabulled !' 
 Wal, he wazn't licked, nuther, fur when his paper cum out he 
 tole how ther deacon hed been smashed into mince meat an 
 how Uncle Hank cum along and tuk the editor hum ter keep 
 him frum killin ther deacon. It was ther histoorian et his 
 wurk." 
 
 Beneath the rule of men entirely great, 
 The pen is mightier than the sword. 
 
 — Richelieu. 
 
 The Indian saw that Uncle Hank was wound up and might 
 forget that she had baskets to sell, so she interrupted him : 
 ''Won't you buy a basket to take home? Here is a sweet- 
 smelling basket, made of sweet grass and the odor is lasting. 
 It is only two dollaws and twenty-five cents. Buy from an 
 Iroquois girl ?" 
 
 Uncle Hank remembered that bargains are often obtained 
 by not paying the first price asked, so he replied : " Now, ef 
 yer hed one like it fer, say, one an a quarter, I'd tek it purty 
 quick. Haint got enny, I suppose ?" 
 
 The Indian smiled sweetly and taking up the basket handed 
 it to him, saying : " You may have it for one and a quarter 
 and keep it to remember me." 
 
 He quickly paid over the money and was about to depart 
 
176 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 UNCLK HANK MARKS A wlieii a dude with his hair parted in the middle, and his trousers 
 PURCHASE. turned up to his ankles, came in and paid the Indian girl a 
 
 dollar for exactly the same kind of basket that had cost Uncle 
 Hank one dollar and a quarter. He looked at the coy Indian 
 damsel and said : 
 
 "How is thet? Yer make me pay more then the doll baby 
 feller ? What hev ye agin me ? ' 
 
 "His basket," she replied, "had no sweet gr. ss in it and 
 yours did : therefore you paid a quarter more for fragrant odor." 
 
 "Wal, why didn't yer sell thet doode ther sweet-smellin 
 baskett too j*" 
 
 " Oh, he stnelt sweet enough without it !" she laughingly 
 replied. 
 
 Uncle Hank went away muttering something to the effect 
 that he was glad the Indians were on the " resoorvashuns " 
 and not in business. 
 
 Full many a gem of purest ray serene, 
 
 The dark unfathomed caves of ocean bear ; 
 
 Full many a flower is born to blush unseen. 
 And waste its sweetness on the desert air. 
 
 — Gray. 
 
 Straying into the beautiful building erected by Canada, the 
 Down East Yankee was met by a polite attendant, and asked 
 if he wished to see anything special. He gazed around and 
 finally replied : 
 
 " Kin yer show me ther plum thet is jist about tew ripun ?" 
 
 " Why, we have no exhibit of plums ; Canada is not a great 
 fruit country," was the reply. " How did you come to imagine 
 that our country made a specialty of ripe plums ?" 
 
 "B'gum, our Chansey Depew sed some years ago thet Kan- 
 naday waz jist like er plurn ripunin ter fall intew Uncle Sam's 
 hat. I jist wanted ter see ther plum, thet is all." 
 
 " That was a figure of speech, a metaphor, used by a great 
 
AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 177 
 
 orator and humorist," civilly answered the attendant, after he depew's plum. 
 had ceased to smile, " the plum may never fall, that is, in our 
 time." 
 
 " Golly, ef we pnrlong ther time ther plum may spile on ther 
 tree, an' Uncle Sam will hev his hat ruined," responded the 
 hero. " You know froot that is wind-blown aint good, and 
 Kannaday hed better cum when she is jist ripened an afore 
 she falls and smashes. Yer know Uncle Sam ain't goin' ter 
 stand waitin' like a poor boy at a cash auction, tew get wind- 
 blown froot. We like yerkountry, andezz ye air like our next- 
 door nayburs we hev a feller-feelin' thet we could get along 
 ef yer tuk yer fence down an' fed in ther same pasture. Thin 
 we could hev ther mantel of ther Monroe perfection thrun 
 around yer, an' sleep o' nights without bein' afraid of invashun. 
 The Feenyuns would not hev ther eyes on yer, an' yer would 
 not be ther dependant provense thet you air." 
 
 " I am opposed to any kind of Union," said the Canadian. 
 " We are good friends and have commercial relations that are 
 most satisfactory. It would be treason, almost, for me to ad- 
 vocate political union." 
 
 Uncle Hank was not abashed at all, but seemed to be think- 
 ing. Finally, he got off this piece of rhyme, which astonished 
 the Canadian : 
 
 Ther plum thet ripuns on ther tree 
 
 Is better then ther one thet's plucked ; 
 Ther gal thet's full o' life an' glee 
 
 Is better than ther skold thet's ducked ! 
 
 Oh, Kanneday, thet hat ez full, 
 
 Uf plums thet air not ripe a bit ; 
 So jist yer say tew Johnny Bull, 
 
 We ain't a-pluckin froot, not yit ! 
 
 This broadside of rhyme was almost a solar-plexus blow to 
 the patriotic Canuck. However, he rallied and said : " Your 
 
178 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 Uncle Sam has plucked too much fruit already — the Philippines, 
 Porto Rico, and Hawaiian Islands. What do you desire with 
 Canada ? We might have studied the question of coming into 
 the Union, but now you have a mixed population and all colors, 
 so that trouble is bound to follow. You have twelve million 
 negroes that in time will be a problem. No race that cannot 
 assimilate with the dominant race in a country will ever 
 amount to anything. Oil and water will not mix. Our rule is 
 different, for we have colonies and do not wish any amalgama- 
 tion whatever. Unless you use your new possessions as a 
 dumping ground for the negroes, I do not know how you are 
 going to solve the future. No, sir, Canada does not wish to 
 have trouble yet." 
 
 " Thet's it, thefs it," quickly replied Uncle Hank. " Ef I 
 aint a galootin' ignoahramuss yer bloomin' kountry ez tew 
 much mixed up now : Injuns, French, Cajins, native Kanoots, 
 Inglish Kanoots, Ezquimaw an' Hudson Bay runners, all side 
 by side, an' all growlin' fer laws for ther race. By ther time 
 all this hodger-podger mess becomes one hommejanus mass, 
 yer will be glad tew cum into ther Republic tew find out what 
 kind o' race you be. Ef yer argufy with me, b'gum I'll quote 
 poetry on yer." 
 
 This threat made the Canadian retreat, and when he was 
 gone Uncle Hank chuckled : " Golly, that Kanoot's kountry hez 
 troubles uf its own. Each hum hez its own miserbullness, an' 
 each country its own, so mote it be in ther eye." 
 
 A handsome building not far from the Government Building 
 next caught the eye of the Down-East Yankee, and he made 
 for it with long strides. He longed to have another argument 
 with a "furrin guvermint," as he expressed it. His set-to with 
 the Canadian had only whetted his appetite, and his firm belief 
 was that he could make any other country acknowledge the 
 superiority of the United States. When he entered the build- 
 ing he failed to look and see what government it represented. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." i79 
 
 He saw machinery going and good-looking girls busy at work 
 packing something white and in neat little ball packages. 
 " Now, b'gum, this yer looks lik busness," he exclaimed. 
 
 A man at a counter said : "Yes ; they kept things going all 
 day." 
 
 " Thet's good an I lik tew see it," chimed in Uncle Hank. 
 " I guess ther packagees uf State !" 
 
 The man at the counter smiled and replied : " Yes they are 
 used by men of State, by poets occasionally, by beautiful 
 women, and by fond mothers." 
 
 "Ther great cry fur em?" queried Uncle Hank. "Do you 
 think I need enny o* them packagees? 
 
 " Indeed, you do, I am sure ; and so will your wife," was the 
 answer. 
 
 "Yer think I'm a guvermint official, don't ye?" chuckled 
 Uncle Hank. 
 
 "Not at all. But these packages will do much good and 
 make you a different man." 
 
 " For heaven's sake, what air they? I would jist like tew 
 be different, ef I could." 
 
 " They are packages of soap !" 
 
 Uncle Hank reeled back, got his breath and said, " What air 
 yer foolin me for ? Aint this what ye call kidden ?" 
 
 " No, it's Larkin It is the Larkin Soap Company building, 
 and it's for home government. Government begins at home 
 and so does cleanliness." 
 
 " Wal, tew think that 1 should hev stumbled onto my own 
 guverment. Jist give me a package an' I'll change ther face 
 o' darkest Africa." Uncle Hank got his package and went 
 away without the ambition to talk a foreign government official 
 to a standstill. 
 
 Uncle Hank saw a merry group of young people in a gondola 
 that was being slowly propelled by the picturesque American 
 gondolier. 
 
 A LARK IN LARKIN'S 
 
i8o 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 " Thar goes one ov them gondoleers ; et's a gone dollar every 
 time yer rides in one ov em." 
 
 As he paused he heard one of the young ladies softly hum : 
 
 Oh, don't you remember sweet Alice, Ben Bolt, 
 
 Sweet Alice, with hair so brown ; 
 She wept with delight when you gave her a kiss. 
 
 And trembled with fear at your frown. 
 
 "Thet tun ez all right," cried out Uncle Hank. "But them 
 ther words won't be doose high ter hum." 
 
 The merry party laughed and had the gondolier to stop. 
 One called out : 
 
 " What is the matter. Uncle Hayseed, with the words ? They 
 were written by a New Jersey man, and he has remained at 
 home all day long." 
 
 "Thet har buzness ez kirect," he replied. "But ef ye hev 
 anny wumman folks thet trembull et a frown yer jist put her 
 in a prize package an send her tew me C.O.D. I he\^ lived tew 
 kut my wisdum teeth an hev dun some frownin in my time but 
 ez I sed, I never saw a singull gal trembull et anny man's 
 frown. Not on yer nateral or negative life," 
 
 "Mr. Hayseeder is all right," cried out a diminutive blonde 
 "Jack, you might frown all day and I would go to sleep instead 
 of trembling." 
 
 The young man laughed and admitted the soft impeachment. 
 " How would you correct that song, Uncle Hayseed?" asked 
 a robust brunette. 
 
 Uncle Hank thought a moment and said : 
 
 " I'm thinkin that this would be more natcheral ": 
 
 O, don't yer remember sweet Alis, Ben Bolt, 
 
 Sweet Alis with har so cute ; 
 She danced with delight when you gave her a purp, 
 
 An called yer her own Tootsy Wool. 
 
l82 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 A YANKEE STAIESMAN. 
 
 " You are not the hayseed guy that you look," exciaimed a 
 young man in the party. "Why don't you go around and give 
 these small republics a dose of homely wit ; they need it 
 sadly." 
 
 "Young feller," answered the Yankee, "I hevlong since had 
 my triulls and triberlations, an I aint hankerin arter more than 
 I kin carry. Jist while ago I tuk ther bit ov pride in my mouth 
 an started out tew lector and argufy with ther differnt govern- 
 ments what ez represented yere, an would yer believe me, I 
 got ther dirt ov conseat takin out ov me by a soap factory. 
 Went in ther bootiful structure with ther merlicius intension uf 
 givin the government officials a few pints on how tew run 
 things. Never waited, but jist lit in, an' afore I knows it, ther 
 polite man at ther govermint counter giv me rope and sed thet 
 govermints begun at hum. Thet indooced me ter continue, an 
 jist imagine my feelin when the whole blamed thing turned 
 out to be a soap factory. I wuz taken in." 
 
 " Did they take you in and wash you. Uncle ?" laughingly 
 asked the brunette. 
 
 " I guess thet ther did, young gal. Ther conseit ez gone 
 from yer Uncle Hank an he aint gun ter lectoore ivery leetle 
 govermint thet cums along enny more." 
 
 "Well, what will you do then, Uncle ?" they queried. 
 
 " I'll tackul the big governmints !" 
 
 The happy party in the gondola passed on, laughing heartily 
 at the Yankee's idea of reforming his conceit. The former 
 gazed at the party and soliloquized : " I'd giv a barlow knife 
 ter be voung agin and hav no care, no visyuns ov ther morrer, 
 an nothin save ther bliss uf holdin hands with the purty young 
 gals nigh me. O bloomin* youth ! yer know nothin, an yit yer 
 feel ther wurld runnin thro' yer hart and yer see the biggest 
 konquests in ther map uv ther futoore. Yer git up in the 
 mornin an think ther wurld were made fer ye, and when ther 
 night o' Hie cums yer know yer were made for the world, an 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 183 
 
 thet's ther story ov ther race." Uncle Hank lighted a cigar 
 given to him by the retired army officer, and concluded • 
 " Youth, ye air lik this yere smoke ; yer cum out in big strong 
 puffs, yer kurl a leetle and then ye shoot oflE into ther wide 
 space, and then yer air seen no more 'cept in plaz off streaks, 
 a tryin.ter keep frum bein dissolved in ther clouds." 
 
 One remarkable feature of the Exhibits in the Horticulture 
 Building was the large display of apples from the previous 
 year in perfect condition. This achievement was accomplished 
 by a system of storage successfully tried at the Omaha Exposi- 
 tion, and brought to perfection at the Pan-American Exposi- 
 tion. 
 
 The apples were wrapped closely in oiled paper, and then 
 in an additional wrapping of common paper. They were then 
 packed as tightly as possible in barrels and stored in a ware- 
 house, where the temperature was kept at thirty-five degrees. 
 The double wrapping gave to each apple a practically air-tight 
 cell, keeping the apple, and preventing, in case of decay, any 
 possibility of the decayed fruit injuring those packed around 
 it. The apples were a source of great wonderment to Uncle 
 Hank, as they were also to many another visiting farmer. 
 
 ** Thet's a most wonderful thing to me," he exclaimed on 
 beholding them, "haow they keep them apples a hull year in 
 sech good condition ; I've often seed applejack kep' a year, but 
 never apples. This be a great show." 
 
 Some manufacturers may consider money spent in display- 
 ing their wares at these great Fairs is not a very paying invest- 
 ment, but the Boards of Trade of leading California cities do 
 not think so. They have found that such exhibits bring most 
 satisfactory results. They expend time and money in prepar- 
 ing attractive and comprehensive exhibits, and, having done it 
 all so many times, they know how to secure the best results ; 
 consequently California is shipping two and a half as many 
 oranges this year as were shipped at the time of the World's 
 Fair at Chicago. 
 
 ALLURING YOUTH. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 SOME FISH STORIES. 
 
 And not only in fruits does California excel. Its supremacy- 
 is also shown in an exhibit of fish from Santa Catalina, the 
 well-known island resort near Los Angeles. This is the land, 
 or rather water, of true fish stories that seem to put Baron 
 Munchausen to shame. A black sea bass exhibited weighing 
 three hundred and eighty four pounds had been caught with 
 rod and reel, and the stories of catching the leaping tuna re- 
 late that as long as seven hours had been spent in landing one 
 of these fish, but these, being fish stories, must be taken with a 
 grain of salt. 
 
 As Uncle Hank crossed the Triumphal Bridge he encoun- 
 tered one of the many shrewd boys who earn a livelihood by 
 selling guide books on the grounds. Occasionally the boy 
 would call out : "Guide books. You'll be guyed if you don't 
 buy a guide book ! Every guy needs a guide book !" and 
 similar " aphorisms." 
 
 As a judge of human nature he was unsurpassed. Noticing 
 the approach of a young couple, who, he judged, were lately 
 married, he approached them with the inquiry : " Can I sell 
 you a guide book?" On receiving a negative reply he ex- 
 claimed : " You can't show the lady the show without a guide 
 book. I know the lady wants you to get one." 
 
 This had the desired effect. The allusion to a possible want 
 of one who was so dear to him was too much for the fond 
 young husband and he succumbed. He then turned his atten- 
 tion to Uncle Hank, but soon found that he had a hard nut to 
 crack, but he cracked it. 
 
 " Uncle, you need a guide," was his first salutation, 
 
 " Young man, you air tew presumpshous. Me need a guide ?" 
 and he drew himself up to his full height and looked disdain- 
 fully at the boy. 
 
 " Well, Uncle, if ye had one of these guide books ye could 
 do the fair in half the time ; it shows ye where the 'lectric 
 tower is, an' where to find The Staydum, and tells ye how to 
 
'EVERY GUY NEEDS A GUIDE HOOK!" 
 
t86 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 g-et ahead of a Yankee." At this the old man cocked up his 
 ears, 
 
 "What's that he inquired. " Thet book tells yeh how tew 
 git ahead of a Yankee, do it ?" 
 " That's what I said." 
 
 " Wal, ef yeh kin show me that in th' book I'll buy a copy." 
 
 " Gimme yer quarter and I'll show it ter ye in th' book." 
 
 Uncle Hank passed over the quarter and the shrewd salesman 
 opened the book at an advertising page and pointed out the 
 advertisement of a plaster modeling firm offering to sell plaster 
 casts and busts of prominent men, among whom the name of 
 Daniel Webster was most prominent, and as he pointed his 
 finger at this name he exclaimed, " If yeh want to get ahead 
 of a Yankee buy that one : it was a good Yankee head in its 
 time." 
 
 Uncle Hank was beaten. 
 
 " Wal, sonny," he exclaimed, " ye got me thet time, an I don't 
 mind acknowledgin et. Dan Webster waz a mighty good 
 Yankee in his time." 
 
 He now proceeded leisurely across the Plaza toward Music 
 Temple, which was filled with morbid curiosity seekers. After 
 the shooting of President McKinley the guards had all they 
 could do to prevent the entire building being carried off 
 by souvenir seekers, and had the authorities of the Exposition 
 been so inclined they could easily have obtained an admission 
 fee from thousands of people wishing to see the spot where 
 the President was shot. After listening to the big organ for 
 an hour or so, he thought he would seek a new diversion. 
 
 Adjoining Music Temple is Machinery Building, to which 
 Uncle Hank repaired. As he entered he observed : " Frum th' 
 Moosic Temple to Mashinery Buildin is but a step. I've bin 
 listenin tew th' moosic in Moosic Temple ; naow I'll give an 
 ear tew th' moosic ov runnin mashinery, the sweetest moosic 
 in th' world tew me." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 187 
 
 NAOW, I'LL GIVE AN EAR TEW TH' MOOSIC OV RUNNIN MASHINERY, THB 
 SWEETEST MOOSIC IN TH' WORLD TEW ME." 
 
i88 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 A THING OF LIFE " Aiiit they beauties," he exclaimed as he walked around 
 
 the powerful stationary engines that furnish the power for the 
 exhibition. " They move like livin beins ; ye'd actually think 
 they waz alive, they work so intelligently. Jest look et thet 
 piston rod; like a giant's arm, an it never gits tired, an thet 
 big fly wheel, it never shirks its work, nor growls, nor strikes : 
 onless yer neglect ter giv it ile, an then it's like all workers, et 
 refuses tew work." 
 
 It was now quite dark and he resolved to see the Illumina- 
 tion of the Buildings before he left the grounds. 
 
 As thousands of electric lights slowly brightened until a 
 magnificent glow of light pervaded the entire Exposition 
 grounds he could restrain his enthusiasm no longer. 
 
 " It's th' most beautiful sight in th' world," he exclaimed, 
 " Ther Pan-Ameriky desarves undyin fame fer sech a mag- 
 nificent specktacle." 
 
 It's all right !" remarked a bystander. This commonplace 
 expression when uttered with a certain emphasis carries a 
 world of meaning. 
 
 " It's all right !" he repeated in a tone that carried conviction. 
 
 "Et's all right!" responded Unr^e Hank. "Et's enuf tew 
 arouse ther jealousy of ther stars in th' firmament." 
 
 And after spending some time in its silent contemplation he 
 slowly wended his way to the exit. 
 
 ********** * « 
 
 The next day Uncle Hank concluded to take a look at the 
 "Free Midway" just outside the grounds of the Exposition. 
 
 Just opposite the entrance, a wild Western mining town 
 celebrity, styling himself Cheyenne Joe, had a cabin fash- 
 ioned after the style in vogue in mining communities, in 
 which he dispensed various beverages of more or less poison- 
 ous qualities ; to attract votaries he had emblazoned the walls 
 of the aforesaid cabin with strangely worded devices which 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 189 
 
 if 
 
 S ENUF 
 
 TEW AROUSE THER JEAl OUSY OF THER STARS IN TH' FIRMAMENT. 
 
190 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 T>1K I.IFK-SAVINd 
 EXHIBITION. 
 
 carried double meanings, very amusing to the initiated : one 
 m particular attracted Uncle Hank's attention. It occupied a 
 prominent place on the wall and read as follows : 
 
 If Drinking Interferes with 
 Your Business, 
 Give Up Your Business. 
 
 This was too much for Uncle Hank, who remarked to the 
 attendant behind the bar: 
 
 " Young man, ye'd better take daown thet sign. It's well 
 understood among men ov your craft thet a wise man never 
 drmks behind ther bar so ye'd better giv up yer bizness er 
 take daown yer sign." 
 
 " The Life Saving Crew will give an exhibition on the lake '" 
 bawled a brawny one-armed man, in a stentorian voice 
 through a megaphone. And from all sections of the grounds 
 streamed crowds of sightseers toward the lake to witness one 
 of the most interesting sights of the Exposition. 
 
 Among the first to arrive at the Life Saving Station was 
 Uncle Hank, who immediately familiarized himself with the 
 mechanism of the life saving apparatus, his inquisitive spirit 
 soon puttmg him on familiar terms with the crew. 
 
 " I say, Uncle," cried one, "we're short a man to-day • how 
 would you like to take part in the drill ?" This was said banter- 
 ingly, and with no expectation that its offer would be accepted 
 but Uncle Hank was equal to the emergency and readily 
 accepted the invitation. It was then suggested that he should 
 be furnished with a uniform, but at this he demurred It was 
 finally decided that he should play the part of rescued passen- 
 ger on the wrecked vessel, and the crew to perform the part of 
 
AROUND THE ''PAN. 
 
 191 
 
 " YE'D better GIV up YER HIZNERR ER TAKE DAOWN YER SIGN." 
 
192 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 iiNCLK hank's adventure. Tescue by means of the breeches buoy. After drilling him 
 
 thoroughly in his part he was directed to the dock. 
 
 Then he was rowed out to a stationary mast in the centre of 
 the lake, where he was given directions in regard to the work- 
 ing of the life saving device. 
 
 He afterward explained his adventure to a bystander who 
 had witnessed his exploit. 
 
 " Wal, fust I dumb up ter th' top ov ther mast, an' jest ez I 
 got ter th' yard-arm I pertended tew slip— and then th' folks 
 on shore giv a scream, but I giv 'em th' lafp. Then I grabbed 
 holt ov ther britches boy, and fastened my carpet bag an' um- 
 brelly into it ,an' pretended to git in, but I jest slipped thru' 
 an' away went th' ' boy ' with my prechus bag an' umbrelly, 
 an' I jist laffed till my sides aked. An' when they sent back 
 th' ' boy ' I got in an' waved my hat at ther crowds, an' they 
 cheered as I slid along ther cable rope tew safety." 
 
 And he chuckled as he related his adventure. 
 
 The next thing on the programme was the rescue of a 
 drowning man. 
 
 This act was very cleverly done. A presumably awkward 
 man rowed out to the middle of the lake, and, in his clumsy 
 handling of the oars, he managed to upset the boat and 
 plunged into the water head first. In his downward plunge he 
 comically spluttered about, alternately sticking his leg up in 
 the air and throwing his hands above his head in such a man- 
 • ner as to elicit roars of laughter from the crowds on the shore, 
 
 who quite readily perceived that the man, being an expert 
 swimmer, was in no danger. In the meantime the life-saving 
 crew reached the drowning man. One of the crew made a 
 quick dive as the drowning man sank for the third time, and in 
 a few minutes he was in the hands of the crew, who imme- 
 diately pulled for shore and applied the usual methods of 
 resuscitation. 
 
 After witnessing with great interest the rest of the exhibi- 
 
"THEY CHEKRED AS I SUD ALONG THER CABLE ROPE TEW SAFETY." 
 
194 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 GREEK MEETS GREEK. 
 
 tion, which consisted mainly of lifeboat practice, Uncle Hank 
 declared the Life-Saving Crew deserving of great praise, " be- 
 cos when them temperance folks gits control ov ther country 
 they'll deluge us with cold water an' then we'll look tew th' 
 Life Savers tew save us frum a watery grave." 
 
 Having heard at the life-saving station that a namesake of 
 his, Captain Slocum, and his schooner " Spray" were moored a 
 short distance below, he lost no time in making his way to the 
 famous little craft. The Captain proved to be a keen-eyed 
 Yankee skipper, with both of his keen eyes wide open to what- 
 ever pecuniary benefit might accrue to the fame of having 
 sailed single-handed around the world. 
 
 The doughty skipper stood at the gangway and did quite a 
 thriving business in collecting silver coin as souvenirs from 
 the myriads of visitors who wished to inspect his famous 
 craft. 
 
 "I berlieve this be Captain Slocum?" interrogated Uncle 
 Hank, as he extended his hand for a shake. 
 " That's me," responded the Captain. 
 
 "Wal, I'm yer namesake, Henry Slocum, an' I've cum ter 
 look et yer craft." 
 
 " Ah, indeed ! Ten cents, please." 
 
 The similarity of name did not save our hero the fee, and 
 after a little preliminary search he succeeded in finding a dime, 
 which he passed over to his frugal brother Yankee and passed 
 aboard the vessel. 
 
 "So ye sailed round th' world in this craft?" 
 
 "Yes; overforty thousand miles and — alone. Come down into 
 the cabin and I'll show you some of the curious things I picked 
 up in the South Sea Islands." 
 
 And the two repaired to the hatchway and descended to the 
 cabin below, where the Captain displayed his trophies in the 
 shape of boomerangs, war clubs, primitive-looking knives and 
 guns, which Uncle Hank inspected curiously. 
 
"I SEE YOU CUBEANS AIR FAST LARNIN AMERIKIN WAYS." 
 
196 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 CIGARETTE. " Wal, et waz a loHg trip an a lonely one; but I see ye've 
 
 made a perty good port et last," and he winked at the Captain 
 as he noticed the crowds of visitors depositing dimes at the 
 gangway. 
 
 He now resolved to spend a little time in investigating the 
 Cuban Building which was close at hand. As he approached 
 the structure he encountered a dark, swarthy-looking man who 
 was unquestionably a Cuban. 
 
 " Be thet ther Cubean Buildin ?" he inquired. 
 
 " Zat ess ze Cooba palazzio," politely answered the Cuban. 
 
 " I reckon yer from Cuby ?" 
 
 " Yes, I am from ze gem of ze Anteeles." 
 
 As the pair approached the building the Cuban pulled out a 
 package of American Trust Cigarettes and proceeded to light 
 one. 
 
 " I see you Cubeans air fast larnin Amerikin ways," remarked 
 Uncle Hank as he observed this. The Cuban smiled at this 
 sally, and he replied that cigarettes were better suited to hot 
 climates than were strong cigars or pipes. 
 
 "I reckon yer right," retorted Uncle Hank. "We think so, 
 too, fer we consine em tew th' hottest climate we know ov, by^ 
 jiminy." 
 
 The Cuban Exhibit was made up of a multitude of Exhibits 
 in which tobacco, cigars, rum and sugar formed the princi- 
 pal features. This combination places Cuba in the front rank 
 in the opinion of connoiseurs and renders her position a most 
 enviable one. With these commodities she can easily captivate 
 Uncle Sam, who has always been noted for having a decided 
 taste for the good things of the world and who in the near 
 future will in addition to throwing the cloak of the Monroe 
 Doctrine around her shapely shoulders, take her to his heart 
 and make her one of his beloved daughters by adoption. 
 
 The Cuban Cigar Exhibit was a most complete one and em- 
 braced cigars of every conceivable shape, style and color. It 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 197 
 
 proved a rare opportunity for Connecticut and Pennsylvania 
 cigar manufacturers to pirate genuine Havana names and 
 designs for their unexcelled brands of cabbage leaf campaign 
 cigars. 
 
 Verily, the Pan-American Exposition was a great educator. 
 A genuine Pennsylvania Cigar will smell as fragrant by a stolen 
 Havana name as by any other appellation, and sell for a great 
 deal more money. 
 
 Uncle Hank being a great lover of the weed was unable to 
 remain long in this part of the building, as the display of real 
 Havanas made his mouth water, and as they were securely 
 fastened in glass cases, and no samples given out, he beat a 
 hasty retreat. 
 
 The Cuban building was crowded with Cubans, this being 
 their opening day. With characteristic slowness, they were 
 among the last to be ready for exhibition, and in the words of 
 Mark Twain : 
 
 "They never put off till to-morrow what they can do the day 
 after to-morrow just as well," while in the most pressing matters 
 "Manana" is their watchword. 
 
 Defer not till to-morrow to be wise, 
 To-morrow's sun to thee may never rise. 
 
 — CONGREVE. 
 
 "They need a little Yankee blood down thar," exclaimed 
 Uncle Hank on observing their tardmess. " Hustle ez a good 
 word, a heap sight bettern Manany." 
 
 But what they lacked in push was amply made up in polite- 
 ness, and this was particularly noticeable in their anxiety to 
 make their visitors feel at ease. A group of American girls 
 surroimded a handsome-looking exhibitor from Havana who 
 was explaining the features of a large relief plan of the city 
 and harbor of Havana. He was exceedingly polite and affable 
 and plainly showed his admiration for everything American. 
 
198 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN.'' 
 
 LEAVEN. Americane capture ze heart of Cooba, our girls now- 
 
 dress like Americaine girls; in ze dance — no more Fandango 
 —now dance two-step — ze young Senorita now make ze hair 
 up Americaine — so—" and he pointed to the pompadour style 
 of hair-dressing of a pert miss standing by. 
 
 His manner was so affable and his gesticulations so graceful 
 that he completely captivated the young ladies, and one went 
 so far as to express a wish that she would be enabled at some 
 future day to make a visit to Cuba. 
 
 "It's so romantic," she exclaimed, " with their barred win- 
 dows and vine-covered balconies. What an ideal country for 
 Romeos and Juliets," and the romantically inclined miss but 
 echoed the sentiments of the rest. 
 
 Perhaps the infusion of a little of this artistic and poetic 
 Latin blood may eventually serve to somewhat soften the harsii 
 matter-of-fact, money-chasing spirit of the American character 
 as it is now constituted. 
 
 A drainless shower 
 Of light is poesy, 'tis the supreme of power, 
 'Tis miglit half slumbering on its own right arm. 
 
 —Keats. 
 
 The closer one studied the Cuban exhibit the more interest- 
 ing it becaine. The Fine Art display was certainly a very 
 creditable one, the evidences of Parisian Art-School education 
 being very apparent. One of the cherished exhibits in the 
 Cuban building was a very fine death mask of Napoleon, the 
 only authentic one in the world, it was claimed. The great 
 Corsican's features were minutely reproduced in the plaster, 
 completely devoid of the idealization indulged in by the vari- 
 ous painters who have essayed to represent the great military 
 genius in the many historical paintings in which he has figured; 
 and one in looking at it could not refrain in commenting on 
 the fact that this wonderful mask showed the true Napoleon 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 199 
 
 as he had existed in life. On close examination it showed his a life-like i^eath mask, 
 
 forehead to have been wonderfully well developed. His nose 
 
 was decidedly aquiline and'prominent, as befitted a conqueror, 
 
 his cheek bones were very high, and his chin and jaws very 
 
 strong. 
 
 Uncle Hank gazed at it long and curiously, and finally ven- 
 tured the opinion that "et waz sartinly ther most lif e-lil e 
 death mask he ever saw." 
 
 From Fair Japan there emerges every afternoon a huge 
 papier-mache monstrosity supposed to represent the Great 
 Evil Spirit. This hideous imitation of a dragon was supposed 
 to inspire fear in all beholders (in Japan). 
 
 Uncle Hank eyed it curiously for a few minutes and then 
 blurted out : "Thet's supposed tew be a demon tew frighten 
 folks. Wal, we hev th' same kind in this country, only we call 
 em Trust Octopusses ; they take em down tew Wall Street, Nu 
 York ; an corner em ; an bust em up ; an then th' hull street 
 haz a panic. We laff et ther delusions ov far-off people, but 
 we're jist ez foolish." 
 
 " Thar's a monstroserty daown tew Nu York thet's jest ez 
 terrifyin, an does a heap sight more damidge then eny demon ■ 
 they hev in Japan," remarked Uncle Hank to a fat man stand- 
 ing by. 
 
 " Is that so ?" 
 
 " Yas ; et's growl ez terribul, an ther peepul seems ter be 
 afeard ov ther broot," continued Hank. " Et feeds in pool 
 rooms, dives, an gamblin haouses." 
 
 " Oh ! You refer to the Tammany Tiger ?" exclaimed the 
 fat man. , 
 
 " Thet's et," responded Hank. " A gay old sport livin over J 
 in England owns him." 
 
 " You mean Dick Croker, do yon not?" inquired the fat man. 
 
 "Thet's him," replied our hero. "An et's erstonishin thet er 
 free an enlightened peepul cud be bamboozled by sech trans- 
 
200 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 " thet's supposed tew be a demon tkw frighten folks," 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 20 1 
 
 parent frauds ez Dick Croker an' ther like, in this twentieth 
 centsury. By crackee, et's entirely beyond my understandin." 
 
 Can tyrants but by tyrants conquered be, 
 
 And freedom find no champion and no child. 
 
 Such as Columbia saw arise when she 
 
 Sprung forth u. Pallas armed and undefiled? 
 
 Or must such minds be nourished in the wild? 
 Deep in the unpruned forest, midst the roar 
 
 Of cataracts where nursing Nature smiled 
 
 On infant Washington ? Has Earth no more 
 
 Such seeds within her breast or Europe no such shore ? 
 
 — Byron. 
 
 It was not only Uncle Hank who saw the funny side of the 
 Pan-American Exposition. 
 
 Reclining on a bank bordering the beautiful canal were two 
 sons of Erin discussing the sights of the Exposition. 
 
 " Fwhat's th' buildin yondher, Pat ?" 
 
 " Mine." 
 
 " Yourn ! — faith it is no.." 
 "Oi sed th' Mine Buildin." 
 " Fwhat koind av mines ?" 
 
 " All koinds. It's there they shows how they make goold out 
 av rocks." 
 
 " An th' Copper Mines where they gits th' cops frum." 
 
 And so they railed at each other as only witty sons of the 
 Emerald Isle can do. 
 
 The many statues abounding throughout the Fair Grounds 
 were a never-ceasing source of interest to visitors. A ragged 
 " Hobo " was wandering aimlessly when his attention was sud- 
 denly arrested by the group entitled "Agriculture." He 
 scratched his head, and then, after some moments of study, he 
 exclaimed : " I dunno what the name of that stature is, but I 
 know wot it onghter be. It onghter be called 'Work.'" 
 And then, to show his contempt for what he thought the theme 
 
202 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
AROUi^D THE "PAN. 
 
 203 
 
 selected by the sculptor he deliberately stretched himself out 
 on the bench at the base of the group, and in a few minutes 
 was completely lost in slumber, thus emphasizing the fact that 
 he was not afraid of work — not he. He could lie down and go 
 to sleep right alongside of it. 
 
 Another statue caught Uncle Hank's fancy and criticism at 
 the same time. It represented a group, the central figure of 
 which was a bear standing upright holding in his paws the car- 
 case of a deer. It was entitled "Animal Wealth." This was 
 too much for him. 
 
 "Ther central figger ov that statoo ought tew hev been a 
 hog. Hogs represent wealth in this country. Them statoos is 
 all right, an' ye can't run an exhibition without 'em, but they 
 sumtimes gits 'em up wrong. Sum ov 'em ez jest right, how- 
 ever. Now over yonder, that's a statoo ov ther hungriest- 
 lookin' lion I ever see, an' he's lookin' right inter ther resta- 
 rant ; naow thet's ther right way to place 'em,'' and he wmked 
 at the guard standing at his elbow, smiling at his quaint 
 remarks. 
 
 " Did you see the statue of the Indian hunter ?" asked the 
 guard. 
 
 " Yas ; I seen it, an' I thot et th' time et waz the most sen- 
 sible way tew use Injuns. General Sheridan once sed : 'The 
 only good Injun waz a dead Injun, an', thinks I, the next best, 
 Injun is a statoo Injun ; an' after all -the Injuns is gone we'll 
 hev 'em in statoos jest like ther Bufflers ; ye notis they're all 
 wiped out, an' now th' hull Exposition ez scattered with Buf- 
 fler statoos." 
 
 And he waved his umbrella at several of the sculptured 
 forms of the Buffalo with which the Exposition abounded. 
 
 " But, all joakn' aside," continued Uncle Hank, " I believe in 
 good statoos. We wait till a great pote like Poe almost dies of 
 
204 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 "AND IN A FEW MINUTES WAS COMPLETKLY LOST IN SLUMHKR, THUS EMPHASIZING 
 THE FACT THAT HE WAS NOT AFRAID OF WORK." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 205 
 
 starvation, and when he's dead and gone we take a sum of 
 money thet would hev made him independent rich an' put it in 
 a statoo over him, an then some of ther statoos is sech carica- 
 turs thet et only adds insult tew injoory. 
 
 " If George Washington had knowed how he waz goin tew 
 look in some ov th' statooz he wud hev throwed up th' job ov 
 bein Father ov his Country." 
 
 But you must remember that in ancient Greece they made 
 much of statuary," retorted the guard, " and it is by their 
 beautiful works of art that we now chiefly remember them. 
 What would Rome, the Eternal City, be without its noble 
 sculptured piles ? I will quote you a few lines by the greatest 
 sculptor that Rome ever produced— Michael Ange.lo— 
 
 " As when, O lady mine. 
 With chiselled touch 
 The stone unhewn and cold 
 Becomes a living mould 
 The more the marble wastes, 
 The more the statue grows." 
 
 " Thet's all rite," responded Uncle Hank, " fer old nations ; 
 but this ez a young nation, an' our peepul ez bizzier puttin' up 
 piles ov money bags than et ez in puttin' up skulpter piles, an' 
 fer th' present I reckon we'll hev tew git along th' best we kin 
 with th' distorted statoos ov Washinton, Shakespeer, Linken, 
 Jackson an' — " 
 
 " The cigar store Indians," interjected the guard. 
 
 The advent of the West Point cadets was an event at the 
 Exposition, and they were quite well aware of it. These young 
 sprigs from Uncle Sam's Military Academy were inclined to 
 be rather arrogant. One of them commented rather humor- 
 ously on Uncle Hank's style, or rather lack of style, as he 
 termed it. This rather nettled the old man, who expressed 
 himself in no uncertain tone. 
 
 THE GUARD QUOTES rOETRY 
 AT UNCLK HANK. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 207 
 
 " Look 'ee here, young feller, tli' fust thing they ought tew 
 teach yer et West Pint is tew respect yer superiors." 
 
 "Why, Pop, you don't mean to call yourself my superior, do 
 you ?" inquired the young cadet haughtily. 
 
 "Wall, I guess I do," replied Hank. " Ez I'm a unit in ther 
 body politic thet consiitoots yer Uncle Sam, an you bein 
 drilled in the sarvice ov Uncle Sam an consequently a sarvent 
 ov his, I'm sartinly yer superior," and Uncle Hank walked off 
 in high dudgeon. 
 
 " Them doods frum West Pint ought tew be took daown a 
 bit ; considerin they're bein eddicated et ther public expense, 
 they ought tew drop ther highfalutin ways when they leave 
 ther accadermy, by gum." 
 
 if*********** 
 
 " Bufferlow Willum? Wal, I guess I hev heard uv him afore," 
 said Uncle Hank, on his way to the Wild West Show just out- 
 side the Exposition grounds. 
 
 "Ez I understand it, Bufferlow Willum ez ther man who 
 killed all ther Bufferlows and put the Injuns in ther show biz- 
 ness. When ther.ocurpation ef the Red Man waz gone Willum 
 gave em some play work to do, an it agrees with em, I am 
 thinkin." 
 
 The show pleased Uncle Hank. When Buffalo Bill, with 
 long flowing cavalier locks, dashed up to the grand stand, at 
 the head of several hundred rough riders, including Indians, 
 Cossacks and cowboys and made his graceful bow, the Down 
 East Yankee joined in the applause. The cowboys riding the 
 bucking bronchos and the wild feats of horsemanship accom- 
 plished by the Cossacks stirred the farmer's blood and made 
 him wish th:.t he was young again. He could not sit quietly 
 while so much was going on, and soon he found himself near 
 the Deadwood Coach and among a heterogeneous mass of 
 human beings who spoke different languages. It has never 
 
 THE BUMPTJOUS WEST 
 POINTER. 
 
208 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 "LOOK 'EE HERE, YOUNG FELLOW, TH' FUST THING THEY OUGHT TEW TEACH YER ET 
 WEST PINT IS TEW RESPECT YER SUPERIORS," 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 been ascertained how he managed it, but when the famous old 
 coach, with six horses, dashed around the arena preparatory to 
 an attack from the Indians of the plains, Uncle Hank was an 
 outside passenger and came in for a fair share of Grand Stand 
 comment. 
 
 " What is that old hayseed going to do on the stage ? That 
 must be a cowboy dressed up like a country jay," and similar 
 remarks were heard. 
 
 Crack went the whip of the driver and away went the horses. 
 It was to be a tragedy of the plains, bloodless of course, and 
 the passengers were to be hard pressed when the inevitable 
 relief would come in the shape of a crowd of cowboys. Uncle 
 Hank was given weapons, but it seems was not told that there 
 would be an attack. He thought he was merely tendered a 
 free ride around the arena. In a few minutes a hundred yell- 
 ing Indians, on horseback and all in war paint, surrounded the 
 stage and returned the fire and a general running fight was 
 begun. Uncle Hank was almost dazed at first, but in a minute 
 he seemed to realize that a death struggle was going on, and 
 leaning over he began to shoot his pistol at the naked body of 
 Indians. 
 
 "Whoop, boys!" he shouted. "Never give up the ship! 
 Ther only good Injun ez a dead one ! Let 'em hev it. Re- 
 member Kuster, boys! Eat 'em up." 
 
 The realistic acting of the farmer amused the Indians, and 
 they rode up" close and yelled at him and shot over him. "Be- 
 cause at close range the blank cartridges hurt, the paper wad- 
 ding striking with some force. One or two Indians hit by 
 Uncle Hank's blank paper cartridges yelled in genuine anger 
 and rode away to see how much they were hurt. Finally, the 
 cowboys came and the Indians beat a quick retreat. Uncle 
 Hank started to dance a war dance on top of the coach and 
 tumbled off behind. He fell sprawling and loud laughter 
 greeted him from the Grand Stand. 
 
 uncle hank at buffalo 
 bill's show. 
 
2 to 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 'IN A FEW MINUTES A HUNDRED YELLING INDIANS SURROUNDED THE STAGE. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 211 
 
 " I am killed; I am shot!'" called out Uncle Hank in moaning 
 tones. 
 
 "You are half shot, old man," said Buffalo Bill, who had 
 ridden up. 
 
 His remark created fresh laughter among the cowboys, who 
 were around, and one suggested that the announcement might 
 reassure the audience. Buffalo Bill rode up in front of the 
 Grand Stand, and in a loud voice announced : 
 
 " I am sorry to say that in the attack on the Deadwood stage 
 coach only one passenger, Uncle Hayseed, was hurt. He is 
 'half shot,' and could not retain his position on the stage!" 
 (Laughter.) 
 
 Uncle Hank came up and chimed in : "I hev fit them Injuns 
 an' druv them back, an' we kin do it agin. Ef I be only ' half 
 shot ' it makes m.e sad tew say thet Bufferlow Willum ez not in 
 enny ways responsibull, ez I'm told thet he suffers frum 'cold 
 f ootses.' " 
 
 When the laughter had subsided Buffalo Bill said that it was 
 true that he was not responsible for Uncle Hank's being "half 
 shot," but if he would wait until the show w'as over he, Buffalo 
 William, would see that justice was done the former. 
 
 The fine shooting of Annie Oakley and other experts pleased 
 Uncle Hank. " She ez the girl thet kin hit the bull's eye ev'ry 
 time," he said. "She kin also take ther cake, I ruther guess. 
 Whin I waz thet gal's age I could not hit ther side uf a barn, 
 but now et ez different. I can hit a dozen barns tugether, ef 
 they be large enough." 
 
 Uncle Hank was the hero of the show, and many thought 
 he was a salaried employee, but it was the first time that the 
 Hon. William F. Cody (Buffalo Bill) had ever seen him. He 
 v/as the simon pure article. 
 
 UNCLE HANK IN TROUBLE. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 213 
 
 The summer girl of 1901 was to be found in all her glory at the American girl. 
 the Pan-American Exposition. She might reign for a part of 
 the season at Newport, Saratoga, or in the mountains, but she 
 was sure to put in an appearance at the " Pan " eventually. 
 Her method of " doing " the Fair was unique ; she generally 
 appeared accompanied by a retinue of beaux who paid her 
 every homage and vied with one another to render those little 
 services that go to make the American girl the envy of all her 
 sisters. 
 
 And her independence was refreshing ; she cared naught for 
 conventionalities and her adventurous nature often led her 
 into difficulties. An American girl of this type was seated in 
 the audience facing the music stand on the plaza. One even- 
 ing, surrounded by a party of friends who, knowing her adven- 
 turous spirit, bantered her to present the leader with a bouquet 
 of flowers which one of the party wished, with a sudden im- 
 pulse, to bestow upon the obliging musical conductor. The 
 young lady in question readily assented to make the presenta- 
 tion on one condition, which was that a callow youth of the 
 party would accompany her with another bouquet which he 
 should present first ; this was readily agreed to. But before 
 lianding the bouquet to him she managed to slyly fasten a 
 long black silken thread to the flowers which she also deftly 
 fastened to a button on his coat : finally, just as the band had 
 completed a very fine rendition of a popular air, the pair ad- 
 vanced toward the leader's stand, holding the flowers aloft. 
 The youth being in front, with an exceedingly graceful bow 
 presented his bouquet, and then stepped back to make way for 
 his companion's presentation ; in doing so, however, the silken 
 thread leading from his bouquet to his coat button abruptly 
 jerked the flowers from the astonished leader's hand. 
 
 A shout of laughter greeted this episode. The musician 
 stood perplexed, not knowing whether to get angry or to smile 
 at the apparent rudeness of the act ; but when he observed the 
 
214 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 THE GERMAN POLICEMAN. confusioD and embarrassment of the youth he smiled at his 
 
 discomfiture. The young lady now advanced and in the most 
 graceful manner possible presented her floral offering to the 
 jovial leader, who took good care to ascertain that there was 
 no string attached to this gift. 
 
 Pranks of this kind were of frequent occurrence, particularly 
 on the Midway, where all restraint seemed to be thrown off, 
 and emphasized the fact that a great Exposition of this kind 
 served an admirable purpose in furnishing a much-needed 
 relief to the too strenuous American mode of life. 
 
 Uncle Hank spent many hours at the music stands, as he 
 was passionately fond of music. A German policeman usually 
 stood guard at the music stand opposite the Music Temple, 
 who was a great favorite with visitors, as he was inclined to 
 be loquacious and ever ready to enter into conversation with 
 anybody willing to talk with him. This endeared him to the 
 ladies, who plied him unmercifully with questions regarding 
 the programme of the day and sundry queries of similar 
 import. 
 
 Our hero, seeing that he was inclined to be talkative, and, 
 being somewhat loquacious himself, soon made his acquaint- 
 ance. 
 
 " Them musicianers air in the wrong place," said he. 
 " How's dot ?" 
 
 " They ought ter be in the Midway, where the savidges air, 
 cos, ye kno', the poet sez : 'Music hath charms tew soothe 
 the savidge," quoted Hank. 
 
 " Sue der savidge ?" 
 
 " Yes ; thet's th' way them poets hez ov sayin' it." 
 
 "Veil, it vos leetle dey'll get ov they sues dem ; dey loogs 
 boverty-sthicken all ready yet," retorted the policeman in a 
 disgusted tone. 
 
 "Wal, I s'pose, ye see quite a lot of life standin', here all 
 day ?" continued. Hank m an inquisitive manner, as though he 
 
"YAW, DERE'S LODS OV FUNNY DINGS GOIN' ON, UP AND DOWN DER BLAZA." 
 
2l6 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 A GERMAN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 was anxious to get the German policeman to relate his expe- 
 riences. 
 
 " Yaw, dere's lods ov funny dings goin' on, up and down der 
 blaza by der Exposishun ; dis mornings dere was a lady vot 
 agsked vare vos der voman's building, and I toldt her to go ofer 
 to der Liperal Arts buildings ; dere's vare der most vomans is — 
 after dem free samples oph food. De ladies dinks ven dey is 
 dere de Liperal Arts buildings vos a departmental sthore." 
 
 " I s'pose ye hev all sorts ov cranks askin' ye all kinds er 
 questions ?" inquired Hank further. 
 
 " Ach dose granks ! dey make me tired yet. Yesterday a 
 man mit wild eyes and long hair agsked me vare was de art 
 exhibbit. I toldt him it vos exhibbited eferywheres about de 
 Exposishun ; in de peautiful statchoos, in de Stahdeum, in de 
 illectrick tower ; in de Moosic Demple; in de Midvay; in de 
 Etnollogy ; de Horticultshoor and Agricultshoor buildings — 
 all ofer de Exposishun dere vos art exhibits. In fact, dere vos 
 more art to de schquare foot in de Pan-American Exposishun 
 den dere vos in der square yard oph Chicargo's World's Fair." 
 And the big policeman waved his hand in a deprecating way 
 to -show his contempt for all other fairs. 
 
 " I reckon he was satisfyed after thet ?" continued Hank. 
 
 " No ; he set somedings about sthoopid policemens and 
 agsked de poy vot sells brogramms to show him vare de pickt- 
 shure gallery was, and de poy showed him. If he had sense 
 enuf to ax me about picktshures I vould hev showed him, but 
 art — vy de whole exhebeshun is art. 
 
 " Den soon after dot a sankdemonious-looking man vanted to 
 know if der vos a church on de grounds, und ven I pointed to 
 de Demple of Moosic, he got mat. But id vos hard to bleese 
 eferypody." 
 
 "Them Sunday crowds ez th' most orderly, I s'pose ye find?" 
 inquired Uncle Hank in an effort to get the German to relate 
 more of his experiences. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 217 
 
 "Yaw, dem Sunday crowts is great peeples ; de exhibits was 
 all glosed up, und dey vanders aroundt until dey gets tired yet, 
 und den dey all goes ofer by Pabst's und spendt de rest oph de 
 Sabbat' dhrinking beer." 
 
 There was a world of truth in the German policeman's last 
 remark, and Uncle Hank emphasized it by saying : 
 
 " Ther Ameriken Sabbath aint what et ought tew be. Ther 
 side doors ov ther saloons ez too handy en ther doors ov libra- 
 ries an art galleries tew hard tew reach on Sabbath day." And 
 he strode off in search of new adventure. 
 
 Sweet recreation barred, what doth ensue 
 But moody and dull melancholy, 
 Kinsman to grim and comfortless despair, 
 And, at her heels, a huge infectious troop 
 Of pale distemperature, and foes to life? 
 
 — Shakespeare. 
 
 He was about to enter one of the buildings facing the Plaza 
 when he encountered an old friend who had just arrived at the 
 Exposition after a ride of two days in an automobile. He was 
 loud in his praise of the new vehicle and vehemently contended 
 that it was far superior to the horse and prophesied that it 
 would soon relegate that quadruped to the rear. 
 
 "You see. Uncle," he exclaimed, "if a horsefly lights on its 
 back it doesn't kick over the dashboard, and again, if a loco- 
 motive and a train of cars suddenly dashes past it doesn't stand 
 on its hind wheels and snort with fear.' 
 
 " Yas," replied Hank, joining in the humor of the occasion. 
 "An et can't kick, nor shy at every bit ov paper in th road. 
 I see they're good things and I reckon some day we'll hev 
 ought-to-mobile cavalry rigiments chargin on to Forts of Steel 
 Trust Armor led by a gallant Kernel mounted onto a red 
 demon ought-to-mobile a wavin his electrickly charged sword 
 an they'll jest mow down th' enemy with shocks ov 'lectricity, 
 
 THE OUGHT-TO-MO-BILE. 
 
'AND PROPHESIED THAI IT WOULD SOON KELKGATE THAT QUADRUPED TO THE REAE 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 219 
 
 ther futoor hez got lots ov surprizes fur such uv us as aint too the irish building 
 old tew see it." 
 
 The guards stationed throughout the buildings were a very 
 obliging lot and constituted themselves walking encyclopedias 
 of the contents of the different buildings in which they were 
 on duty, and their experiences were varied and interesting. 
 
 An Irish citizen not long from the Green Isle approached 
 one and in a rich brogue inquired the way to the Irish Build- 
 ing. For the moment the guard was puzzled, but in an instant 
 regained his composure and nonchalantly replied It's right 
 ove-r yonder in that direction," pointing his finger toward the 
 big arch. "Just ask for the O'Regon Building," and he winked 
 at a bystander as he explained. " You see we sometimes have 
 a little fun on our own account, it varies the monotony of 
 existence. "One afternoon two Canadians were discussing 
 their experiences on the Midway ; one maintained that the 
 shows were all fakes. Said he, ' I paid a quarter to take a Trip 
 to the Moon, and they never took me there at all ; they made 
 me sit down in a chair car and then the scenery revolved 
 around, showing us some views in the moon, so the lecturer 
 said ; but it was all a fake — they never took us out of the build- 
 ing, much less to the moon, I tell you, they're all fakes.' Yes," 
 continued the guard, " it takes all kinds of people to make an 
 Exposition crowd. On another occasion I noticed a fine speci- 
 men of backwoods farmer from way up in Michigan, who had 
 brought his wife with him to see the ' Pan-American.' He came 
 up to me with a very troubled look on his countenance. Said 
 he: * Mister Officer, I've lost my wife Mariar.' 
 
 " Says I : ' What kind of a looking woman is your wife ?' 
 
 " Says he: ' She's an old lady with a green gingham dress an 
 a black an red bonnit.' 
 
 "It then occurred to me, judging by his description, that I 
 had seen her, so I directed him to the big elevator in the 
 Electrical Tower, and sure enough, there she was ; she had 
 
220 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN" 
 
 ' DAT's DE kind OV food we GIT" NATCHREL FOOD." 
 
AROUND THE ''PAN.' 
 
 221 
 
 been riding" up and down all morning. It was her first experi- suspicious characters. 
 ence with elevators and she was making up for lost time. I 
 tell you this is a great place to see the comedy side of the 
 Exposition." 
 
 A little further on the guard encountered two frowsy-look- 
 ing tramps who had evidently seen better days, but those days 
 had long, long passed into a hazy oblivion. They had halted 
 before the pavilion of the Natural Food Company and were 
 discu ssing the title of the company. 
 
 " I say. Bill," remarked the raggedest of the pair, "dat's de 
 kind ov food we gits, natchrel food ; it jist comes natchrel to 
 reach fer free lunch grafts." 
 
 "Wall, T dunno bout dat," replied his companion. "Seems 
 to me de food we gits is snatch-rel." And the guard ap- 
 pi-oached and requested the pair to move on. 
 
 "Beware of those who are homeless by choice; 
 You have no hold on a human being whose affections are without a 
 tap-root." 
 
 — SOUTHEY. 
 
 A very funny experience befell an exhibitor who wished to 
 advertise his exhibit in an original way. He dressed up a 
 couple of men to resemble tramps. He rigged them up in , 
 true hobo style after the pattern illustrated so profusely in the 
 comic papers ; with rags, tatters, tomato cans and all the stock- 
 in-trade of the stage tramp. And then he provided them with 
 circulars which they were to distribute throughout the 
 grounds. They had not proceeded very far on their mission 
 when they were halted by a guard who wanted to know how 
 they got inside the grounds. 
 
 "Look here, you hoboes," demanded he, "how did you get 
 on the grounds ? Jumped the fence, hey ?" 
 
 " Naw, we didn't jump de fence," indignantly replied one of 
 the pair. "We're workin fer de man wot gits out dese circulars, 
 an we'se distributin dem, see !" 
 
• HE WAS EVIDENTLY LOOKING UP HIS ANCESTOKS." 
 
AROUND THE ''PAN. 
 
 223 
 
 " Well, that tale don't go with me; you'll have to get off the 
 grounds or I'll run you in," and with that he prodded them 
 with his short club, and run them out through the exit despite 
 their vociferous protests. 
 
 Their make-up had been too realistic, and the enterprising 
 exhibitor was forced to adopt some other method of advertis- 
 ing his wares. 
 
 A well-dressed citizen of African descent stood before the 
 entrance to Darkest Africa with wonder depicted on his ebony 
 countenance at the antics of the Africans who were exhibited 
 by the managers of the attraction for the purpose of alluring 
 patrons to the show inside. He was palpably a Northern 
 darkey who had never seen the simon-pure article from the 
 land of his forefathers and was evidently looking up his an- 
 cestors. After surveying the scene a while he purchased a 
 ticket and entered the enclosure. 
 
 As soon as he reached the pavilion he realized that he 
 attracted more attention than the dancers on the stage. His 
 russet leather shoes and loud-checked clothes excited the ad- 
 miration of the simple Africans, and one of the dusky girl 
 dancers went so far as to offer him a light from the pipe she 
 was smoking for the unlighted cigarette he held in his hand. 
 
 "All his successors gone before him have done 't; 
 And all his ancestors that come after him may." 
 
 — Shakespeare. 
 
 One of the peculiarities of Darkest Africa was the avidity 
 with which the women smoked pipes and cigarettes while they 
 danced, and many a dude lighted a cigarette in the pipe of a 
 black-faced African woman with an ebony-hued baby on her 
 back. It was truly a case of Lightest America and Darkest 
 Afric? 
 
 Their dances consisted of a series of hops and kicks with 
 bare feet, to the music of native drums and reed pipes, which 
 
 IN DARKEST AFRICA. 
 
/ 
 
 224 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 HE AFRICAN DANCERS produced SL pcculiar chant-like effect, without much semblance 
 to music, but which served very well for the native dance thev 
 performed. 
 
 A fashionably dressed young mother with a very attractive 
 
 •'THE WOMEN SMOKED riPKS WHILE THEY DANCED." 
 
 baby in her arms happened in the African Village one day. 
 She was very much interested in the native dancers, and fre- 
 
226 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 THE GOO-GOO BABY. qucntly held up her baby to see the odd cavorting- of the 
 athletic Africans. This finally attracted the attention of one 
 of the chiefs, who advanced to where the little one was being 
 held, and holding out his finger, said : 
 
 " Baby him talk Gumbo." 
 
 "Gug-gug-oo o-ooo !" gurgled the baby. 
 
 " Him say me his papa!" exclaimed the savage. 
 
 It is needless to say that the fond mother was anything but 
 pleased at this free translation of her darling's innocent 
 prattl e. 
 
 The bodies of the Africans were naked from the waist up and 
 g-listened in the sunlight from the palm oil which they regu- 
 larly applied every day. 
 
 Their manager asserted that they were unusually cleanly, as 
 they made it a rule to wash thoroughly every morning with 
 soap and water, and explained that the peculiar odor which 
 was noticeable in their presence was due to the palm, oil they 
 used. 
 
 As the season progressed, the Esquimaux in the Midway pro- 
 gressed in contentment ; and when the days in October began 
 to cool, the vigor and energy of the entertainment within their 
 enclosure increased as the temperature decreased. 
 
 It was very amusing to hear the comments of visitors to this 
 attraction. One old lady expressed great astonishment when 
 she was informed that the Eskimo did not lunch on candles, as 
 she observed one eating a hearty meal, consisting of 
 Boston baked beans, a bowl of hot coffee and a large 
 slice of pumpkin pie. 
 
 The Eskimo is very expert with the long-lashed 
 whip, and would frequently strike a copper cent placed 
 on the ground at a distance of a dozen feet or so with 
 the end of the lash. 
 
 Uncle Hank played a neat trick on one, by secretly 
 attaching a piece of chewing-gum to the coin before 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 227 
 
 placing- it on the stone pavement, and although the Eskimo hit light lunch. 
 it several times it would not budge as the preceding ones had 
 
 "THK ESKIMO DID NO 1' l.UNCH OiN CANDLES." 
 
 done. Finally he walked over to examine the penny, and dis- 
 covered the trick just as Hank disappeared through the gate 
 holding his sides with laughter. 
 
228 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 * * * ********* 
 
 Romance and sentiment pervade every walk of life, and the 
 Pan-American Exposition proved no exception to the rule. 
 With so many attractive maidens serving as attendants to ex- 
 hibits, and an equal number of appreciative swains in a like 
 capacity, it was not to be wondered at that Dan Cupid played 
 numerous pranks with sensitive hearts. 
 
 In one of the pavilions of the Machinery Building there sat 
 a young man of possibly three and twenty musing on the mo- 
 notony of an existence in a booth devoted to pulley shafts, 
 nuts and bolts, and whose only visitors were bewhiskered men 
 of a mechanical turn, whose only interest in life seemed to be 
 centered in greasy machinery. 
 
 Adjoining this pavilion was a neat, artistically-arranged 
 booth devoted to the display and sale of souvenirs and memen- 
 toes of the Fair, This little enclosure was presided over by a 
 demure little miss who was an astute little saleswoman. She 
 was successful because she was cheerful, and she was cheerful 
 because she was successful. Her bright eyes lighted up her 
 booth so effectively that its effulgence finally permeated the 
 adjoining booth, occupied by the young custodian of the 
 Machinery Exhibit, who suddenly conceived the idea that, after 
 all, his dreary vigil in an uninteresting exhibit might have its 
 compensations. 
 
 Every little while he would steal a glance at the pretty face 
 of his neighbor, who was totally oblivious of the attention she 
 was attracting. 
 
 One day an elderly lady approached the souvenir stand, and 
 while the little saleswoman was busily engaged in showing her 
 wares, he had an excellent chance to study in detail the fea- 
 tures of the fair one who had enthralled him, 
 
 "A beauty beyond compare," he ejaculated, and he right 
 away resolved that he would get a closer look at the busy, 
 ittle saleswoman. With this end in view he waited until the 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 229 
 
 elderly lady in question had made her purchase and departed, susceptible youth 
 and then he proceeded around the corner of the intervening 
 aisle to the souvenir stand, and, mechanically picking up one 
 of the crystal paper weights, inquired the price, at the same 
 time centering his gaze on the beautiful eyes of the beauty. 
 
 "I'll take it," said he, without noting the price she had 
 named, and handed her a bank note of small denomination and 
 waited for her to hand him his change and wrap up his purchase. 
 
 The next day he presented himself at the stand again, and, 
 after engaging her in conversation as long as he dared, pur- 
 chased another paper weight identical with the one he had 
 bought the day previous. 
 
 "What, another one?" said she; "you bought one like this 
 yesterday." 
 
 She laughed and he was covered with confusion. 
 
 " Oh yes— well, you see this one is for my sister." 
 
 The next day he tarried a little longer in conversation, and 
 as he was about to depart purchased still another paper weight, 
 with no definite idea as to what he would do with it, and when 
 she laughingly asked him if this was also for his sister, he re-^ 
 plied in the affirmative. 
 
 After this he became a frequent visitor, and purchased pa- 
 per weights from a mere force of habit, and always for his 
 " sister." They were now on familiar terms, and one day she 
 asked him why he didn't buy a souvenir of the Rainbow City 
 for himself. 
 
 "What I want I can't buy," he sheepishly replied, at the 
 same time eying her steadily. Their eyes met. His honest 
 gaze met her shy and tender glance of awakened love. 
 
 Rather confusedly she replied that she would be glad to ac- 
 commodate him with any article, if she happened to have it in 
 stock. 
 
 " Oh, you have it in stock, I know. As to the price — well 
 I'll pay any price for it." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 CUPID WINS. She blushed deeply at this, and made a desperate effort to 
 
 hide her confusion as she said : 
 
 "How can I tell what you want if you don't name the 
 article ?" 
 
 "It's your heart — I want it for a souvenir of the Rainbow 
 City." 
 
 And the illumination of the Fair Grounds that night was 
 naught in comparison with the brightness instilled in those 
 two hearts by that matchless illuminator Dan Cupid. 
 
 O gentle Proteus, Love's a mighty lord; 
 
 And hath so humbled me, as, I confess, 
 
 There is no woe to his correction, 
 
 Nor to his service, no such joy on earth ! 
 
 Now, no discourse, except it be love : 
 
 Now can I break my fast, dine, sup, and sleep. 
 
 Upon the very naked name of love. 
 
 —Shakespeare. 
 
 * * * 
 
 A romance of an entirely different character was enacted in 
 the Indian village. 
 
 John Winthrop, formerly Wo-nee-tah, the broken wing, from 
 the Kiowa reservation, but now of Washmgton, D. C, lately a 
 graduate of the Carlisle Indian School, was an interested visitor 
 to the Indian encampment. It was ten years since he had 
 been taken as a boy from his wild home on the reservation to 
 begin his studies at Carlisle, Penn., under the tutelage of 
 Uncle Sam. 
 
 He was a fine specimen of pure Indian manhood,, tall, erect 
 and athletic to a degree. He had played quarter-back in the 
 Foot Ball Team of the school, and had won renown as a cool, 
 resourceful player. After his graduation he had secured em- 
 ploj'ment in the Interior Department at Washington, D. C. 
 He was now on his vacation and was turning his time to 
 pleasure and profit in a visit to the " Rainbow City." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 231 
 
 He had already made several visits to the Exposition and on 
 each occasion had been drawn irresistibly to the Indian Village 
 by a pair of sparkling black eyes in the prettiest face he had 
 ever seen. In all his visits he saw only Wah-sah-ne, the beau- 
 tiful daughter of " Running Bear." She, too, had been educated 
 by Uncle Sam and at the end of her tuition had returned to 
 her people. In the Indian enclosure a space had been reserved 
 for the display of articles of Indian manufacture. Wah-sah-ne 
 was of great value in this department, as she spoke English 
 fluently, and through her picturesque personality was enabled 
 to make many sales of Indian goods. 
 
 John was dressed in the ordinary civilian attire of the 
 whites, while the Indian maiden was attired in the piccuresque 
 habiliments of her race. There was a strange incongruity in 
 her make-up, however, in that her perfect English pronuncia- 
 tion did not seem to chord with her savage attire, although in 
 John Winthrop's eyes this seemed to be an added attraction to 
 her charming personality. 
 
 At the Indian School she was known as Marie Dumont — a 
 name given to her by an old French Canadian trapper, who 
 had been a life-long friend of her father on the plains. 
 
 The young Indian youth was beginning to realize that his 
 vacation time had almost drawn to its close, and that he must 
 soon return to his duties again. He had spent four-fifths of 
 his time in the company of the enchantress from the prairies. 
 
 " Marie," he said tenderly, " I must return home in a couple 
 of days." 
 
 "Why, John, you have not seen half of the Exposition," she 
 laughingly replied. " I'm afraid you have idled away too much 
 of your time in our enclosure ; you haven't seen half of the 
 beauties of the 'Pan.'" 
 
 "Yes, but I seen the beauty of the 'Pan,'" he replied gal- 
 lantly. 
 
 She affected not to hear this implied compliment as she re- 
 joined ; 
 
 AN INDIAN CUriD. 
 
232 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 A REMINISCENCE OF " I supposc you havc seen some one who has risen to your 
 
 THi? PLAINS. ideal." 
 
 " Marie, I have seen a beauty that makes me long to extend 
 my vacation to a lifetime to spend at her side, or take her 
 with me to be my life-long companion in and out of my vaca- 
 tion." As he spoke he took her hands and looked tenderly into 
 the dusky beauty's dark eyes: "Will you be my wife ?" 
 
 At this juncture an old Indian squaw approached leaning on 
 a stick. She looked searchingly into the face of the youth, then 
 she shaded her eyes with her disengaged hand to get a better 
 look. 
 
 "Kiowa!" she exclaimed, and then she drew back to get a 
 good look at the back of his head, and when she perceived a 
 scar there she cried : 
 
 "Wo-nee-tah !" 
 
 " Yes," he replied, " Wo-nee-tah ; that's my name, so they 
 told me when 1 was taken from Fort Reno by the soldiers and 
 sent to Carlisle to be educated." 
 
 The old squaw then rolled up his sleeve, and there on the 
 left arm was a long mark evidently made by a slash with a 
 knife. As soon as she saw this she threw her arms around his 
 neck, and cried, "My boy ! my son ! my pappoose !" 
 
 The youth was visibly affected at this. " Can it be possi- 
 ble !" he cried. " Have I found my mother ?" 
 
 " Me, your mudder, yes ; long time ago soldiers burn down 
 tepee— kill braves— bullets kill pappoose— me tink you dead— 
 gone— no more— now me find you— my son— my pappoose !" 
 and the old squaw mother wept as any mother would weep at 
 the recovery of her son. 
 
 "Then he's my brother?" exclaimed the maiden to her 
 mother, who nodded her head in a positively affirmative manner. 
 
 At this the young man grasped the beautiful girl in his arms 
 and kissed her tenderly as he exclaimed : "I have lost a wife, 
 but I've found a sister — and a mother." 
 
 * * * 
 
AROUND THE <*PAN." 233 
 
 'ine Midway also had its romantic side distinctively char- 
 acteristic of the atmosphere prevailing there. 
 
 Algernon Fitz Maurice was a callow youth. After having 
 graduated from college he had, through strong influence, 
 secured employment on a big New York newspaper and had 
 been assigned to Buffalo to cover the Pan-American Exposi- 
 tion. At first sight this would seem to be an impossible task, 
 as "Algy" was a rather diminutive specimen of humanity, 
 both mentally and physically, and his ability in either capacity 
 decidedly limited. But what he lacked in this respect he more 
 than made up in energetic assurance— otherwise known as 
 "nerve" or "gall," depending largely upon the point of view. 
 
 Now, " Algy " was awfully smitten by the charms of a cer- 
 tain dancer in the little Oriental Theatre in the "Streets of 
 Cairo." lie had been a constant attendant at the perform- 
 ances in the theatre, and had sent numerous bouquets to the 
 Egyptian beauty, and vowed he would never leave the Exposi- 
 tion until he had exhausted every means to win her affections. 
 It is true he had never md an opportunity to speak to her, 
 much less make love, but he was persistent ; so one evening 
 he resolved to see her and speak to her, despite all obstacles. 
 With this end in view he sent a little Arab boy around to the 
 stage door with a beautiful bouquet of American beauty roses, 
 to which was attached a highly perfumed note asking for an 
 interview. 
 
 Presently the boy returned with the information that the 
 last performance would terminate at 11 P. M., and then at the 
 Midway gate the lady would be pleased to meet him. 
 
 To say "Algy" was delighted is putting it in the mildest 
 way. He was in ecstasy, so much so that he gave the boy a 
 quarter for his trouble, in place of the nickel he had originallv 
 selected. 
 
 He was a^ +he gate in question at the exact minute of the 
 hour, and charmer , ^id not keep him waiting long, and 
 
 A MIDWAY ROMANCE. 
 
^34 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 AN AWFUL SHOCK. whcn she did come— "ye gods," thought he, was there ever 
 such a vision of loveliness, such eyes to entrance with. Their 
 lashes actually shaded the cheeks ; and such profusion of blue- 
 black hair, encompassing a bewitching face of almost alabaster 
 whiteness. As she approached him she slightly bowed as he 
 lifted his hat and, smiling, showed a row of perfect teeth. 
 
 "Have I the pleasure of addressing the fairest flower of 
 Egypt— or perhaps Constantinople or some other haven of 
 Oriental beauty ?" said Algy, after the most approved style of 
 stage etiquette. 
 
 "Aar youse th gintlemon thot's sendin me th' flowers ivery 
 noight ?— Well, ef ye aar, OI wishes ye'd sind larger boo-kays, 
 fur be th' toime 01 gives th' rest ov 'em buttonhole boo-kays 
 01 hov none at all, at all," and her rich, Irish brogue rolled 
 over her beautiful rouged lips like a duck calling its mate. ^ 
 
 Algy fainted dead away. When he awoke it was to find him- 
 self in the hospital with a severe case of nervous prostration 
 and his magnificent nerve was gone forever. 
 
 These little romances are related principally to show the 
 many different phazes of life that existed at the Pan-American 
 Exposition during the six months of its existence. They 
 were merely side lights thrown on the stage where the mag- 
 nificent spectacle was being enacted. 
 
 If there is one thing the Irishman is noted for, it is his ready 
 wit. He may be termed obstinate in some respects. He may 
 be sometimes deemed stubborn in his firm adherence to his 
 opinions, be they right or wrong. He may be a firm adherent 
 of a cause that may be far from righteous. And this fidelity 
 will usually be found traceable to a desire to be loyal to his 
 friends. But however stubborn or obstinate he may appear 
 
' WOULD YEZ MOIND TELLIN ME TU' NAME OV THIS BUILUIN, SOR ? 
 
236 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 IRISH WIT. to be, he can never be charged with being at a loss for a ready 
 reply to any question that may be put to him, and the Irishman 
 who is not quick at repartee is no true son of Erin. Such 
 an individual turned up in the Liberal Arts Building one 
 morning, and after an exhaustive tour of the many aisles 
 within, accosted one of the guards as to the details of the great 
 Exposition. Said he : 
 
 "Would yez moind tellin me th' name ov this buildin, sor ?" 
 
 " It is known as the building of the Liberal Arts," replied 
 the guard. 
 
 " 01 suppose it's becos they giv away so manny free samples 
 it's called liberal. An f 'what's th' manein ov Pan-Ameriky ?" 
 he continued, inquiringly. 
 
 "Pan-America — why. Pan means all — all America; North, 
 Central, and South America." explained the guard. 
 
 "An duz it take in th* Sandwitch Oislands?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "An th' Phillypanes, too?" 
 
 "Well — yes," answered the somewhat puzzled guard. 
 
 " Well, t'is aisy t' see ye'z hav th' wrong name fer it — ye'z 
 shud call it th' Pan- Amerikin -Asiatic Ex -poo -si -shun, be 
 gorra !" 
 
 "Well, we do seem to be spreading out somewhat," replied 
 the intelligent guard. " Uncle Sam's arms are getting rather 
 long and his fingers are developing a good strong grasp." 
 
 " Take up the White Man's burden, 
 Send forth the best ye breed — 
 Go bind your sons to serfdom ; 
 To serve the combine's need ; 
 To wait in heavy harness 
 On those who lord the land — 
 The Trusts the new found masters, 
 The new time robber band." 
 
 Many humorous observations were made unconsciously by 
 
"LAW ME ! WHAT BEW-TE-FULL MIIK PITCHERS THEM RICH 
 FOLKS DKW HAV 1" 
 
238 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 A UEAUTIFUI, MIl.K 
 FITCH KR. 
 
 visitors misinterpreting the uses to which some of the articles 
 on exhibition were intended for. 
 
 A tall, lanky young woman, who (judging from the out-of- 
 date style of dress in which she was attired) evidently came 
 from a backwoods region. She stood for a long time contem- 
 plating with open-mouthed wonder a beautifully wrought silver 
 vase in the Gorham Silver Company's Pavilion. Then sud- 
 denly she blurted out. 
 
 "Law me! what bew-te-fuU milk fitcJiers them rich folks 
 dew hav !" 
 
 She then made her way to the Tiffany Exhibit, and after 
 taking a cursory look at the diamond display, remarked : 
 
 " I karnt see what folks kin see in sech bits o' glass tew 
 strain ther necks abaout !" 
 
 Many strange devices were resorted to in advertising the 
 exhibits of some of the beautiful and expensively gotten up 
 pavilions. An artificial limb company 
 engaged a legless man to don a pair of 
 their artificial legs, and give periodical 
 exhibitions of the wonderful use to which 
 they could be put. First he would walk 
 slowly, then hop on one foot, and finally 
 run at top speed up and down the aisles, 
 to the intense interest and amusement of 
 the onlookers. 
 
 It was a very interesting exhibition, 
 and illustrated very forcibly the " strides " 
 made in this branch of manufacture, be- 
 sides being an excellent advertisement. 
 
 These unique exhibitions made the 
 pavilions doubly attractive, and often 
 served to make commonplace exhibits 
 very interesting. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 A prominent journalist once said to Representative Samuel ^^ome quaint testimonials. 
 o. Cox (familiarly known as Sunset Cox) that Senator Charles 
 Sumner did not believe in the Bible. ' 
 
 "That's because he did not write it," promptly responded 
 Cox. 
 
 The public at large is not so constituted, judging by the 
 faith reposed in the writings of great men by the Midway con- 
 cessionaries. 
 
 Nearly all the eminent men of the country were quoted by ^ - 
 
 these rival showmen in flaring show-cards, posted at their 
 respective entrances. One announcement read as follows : 
 
 "THIS IS A GRATE SHOW. I LAFFED TIL MY SIDES 
 AKED WHEN I SKEN IT.' — CHANSKY DEPEW. 
 
 It will be seen by the above that the honorable Chauncey 
 had rath3r a bad spell of spelling and grammar when he wrote 
 out this testimonial. 
 
 Another equally lucid show-card was painted in large red 
 letters and hung at the side of the ticket office window : 
 
 " THIS ENTERTAINMENT IS 
 
 ' HOT 
 
 RAGS.' 
 
 THEY 
 
 GIVE 
 
 YOU YOUR money's WOk'IH 
 
 EVERY 
 
 TIME.' 
 
 — GOV. 
 
 ODELL. 
 
 It will be seen by this that the governor had been spending 
 considerable of his time in the Bowery — or perhaps the sign 
 painter got the wrong copy, and grossly misrepresented the 
 urbane governor. 
 
 According to another testimonial displayed further down the 
 walk, an eminent naval hero was much pleased with the en- 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 241 
 
 tertainment provided, and expressed his admiration in the fol- dewey's magnanimity. 
 lowing terse sentence : 
 
 "I WAS COMPi El'ELY CAPTURKD BY THIS SHOW — IT 
 KNOCKS THE TAR OUT OF THE BATTLE OF MANILA." 
 
 — ADMIRAL DEWEY. 
 
 But the climax was reached by the next testimonial expert 
 in the following card : 
 
 "THIS ENTERTAINMENT 
 
 IS 
 
 WORTH ALL KINDS OF 
 
 MONKY TO SEK." — WILl lAM 
 
 J- 
 
 BRYAN. 
 
 A depleted purse was almost sure to follow a trip through the 
 Midway if a desire to see all the attractions was gratified. A 
 citizen who had just emerged from the famous thoroughfare 
 was accosted by a policeman who had been admiring the mon- 
 ster flag flying across the Triumphal Bridge (which was said 
 to be the largest flag in the world). Said he : " That's a grand 
 sight — the Star Spangled Banner, the flag of the brave and the 
 free !" 
 
 *' Well, it's the only free thing on the grounds, then," replied 
 the citizen, who had just " done," or more properly been 
 "done " by the multitudinous shows on the Midway. 
 
 On another occasion a pair of visitors hailing from a small 
 farming section in the West were wandering rather aimlessly 
 through the grounds. They were togged up in brand-new 
 "store clothes," and were plainly out for a holiday. 
 
 " I tell ye, Zekiel," exclaimed one of them, " th' managers 
 made one big mistake in buildin' this Fair." 
 
 "How so, Silas ?" 
 
"I TELL YE, ZEKIEI,," EXCLAIMED ONE OF THEM, " TH.' MANAGERS MADE 
 ONE BIG MISTAKE IN BUILDIN THIS FAIR." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 243 
 
 " Cos they didn't make no arrang-ements fer a circus tent 
 with clowns, acrobats an' — " 
 
 ''Red lemonade and peanuts," interjected Ezekiel with a 
 broad grin. 
 
 " Thet's the idee ! An', besides, they ought tew hev hoss- 
 racin' an' — " 
 
 "Shell game men an' wheels ov fortune, tew make et more 
 interestin'," again interposed Ezekiel. 
 
 And the pair proceeded on their way, fully convinced that 
 they had discovered a glaring fault in the make-up of the Pan- 
 Araericc.n Exposition, 
 
 Young America fully enjoyed the opportunities afforded by 
 the Exposition to secure mementoes in the shape of attractive 
 advertising matter which was so lavishly distributed by the 
 different exhibitors. 
 
 " I tell you, Sis," exclaim.ed a youthful visitor, " we'll make 
 'em jealous at home when they see what we've captured at the 
 'Pan.'" 
 
 "Well, Bud, I don't think we've overlooked anything, have 
 we ?" replied the Young American Girl, in glee at the prospect 
 of dazzling the eyes of her playmates at home who were not so 
 fortunate as to have had the opportunity of visiting the " Pan." 
 
 Base envy withers at another's joy, 
 And hates that excellence it cannot reach. 
 
 — Thomson. 
 
 And children of a larger growth were just as sus- 
 ceptible to this feeling of anxiety to overshine their 
 less fortunate neighbors on their return home. 
 
 " Pm going tew take hum all th' fine cards I kin git," 
 exclaimed a visitor, "cos et's my plan tew git th' 
 Joneses and Browns tew understand thet we've bin tew 
 th' g-rate show, an' we don't care who kno's et." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 245 
 
 " Bobby " Burns foresaw the character of the modern news- newspaper men. 
 paper reporter. The omnipotent, searching and tireless seeker 
 of information, who searchingly investigated every nook and 
 corner of the great Exposition for scraps of news that might 
 interest the people in far distant sections who were not so cir- 
 cumstanced as to be able to visit the " Pan " and investigate 
 for themselves. 
 
 A chiel's amang ye takin' notes, 
 And, faith, he'll prent it. 
 
 — Burns. 
 
 The newspaper correspondents had a rendezvous near one of 
 the entrances. It was a small building, where visiting editors 
 were enabled to secure printed slips containing matter apper- 
 taining to the Exposition. 
 
 Uncle Hank was quite a frequent visitor to this building, and 
 was an ever welcome guest, as he was very talkative, and news- 
 paper men like talkative people. 
 
 One of the secrets of Senator Depew's popularity is his ever- 
 ready willingness to talk to reporters. Consequently the Sen- 
 ator gets many a i.indly word from the writer in return for his 
 courtesy. 
 
 One of the most heartily abused men that ever graced public 
 life was General Benjamin F. Butler, who was reviled and cari- 
 catured all over the land. This was due solely to the fact that 
 he was brusque and abusive to a degree to newspaper men, for 
 whom he professed to have the utmost contempt. And they 
 in turn spared no opportunity to ridicule and caricature him. 
 He was, however, quite impervious to their attacks, and seemed 
 to care very little for what was said of him, although in the 
 latter part of his life he declared that it was very bad policy 
 for a public man to gain the enmity of the newspaper frater- 
 nity. 
 
 The journalists at the Exposition were a merry lot, ever 
 
246 
 
 AROUND THE 'TAN. 
 
 " BAKKR'S cocoa! why BE'aNT F.T JF.ST EZ GOOn FKR l!I-|ChERS, GKOCERS 
 LAWYERS, DOCTERS, AN FARMERS EZ WELL EZ BAKEKb ?" 
 
AROUND THE "PAN.' 
 
 247 
 
 ready for a lark or frolic, and they always welcomed Uncle unci-e hanks opiniom. 
 Hank, whose ready tongue and sharp rejoinders often served 
 to sharpen their wits. 
 
 " I say. Uncle," exclaimed a veteran, " you don't take much 
 stock in us newspaper men, do you ?" 
 
 " Air ye anxshus tew hear my opinyun ov you noospapei 
 fellows ?" he inquired. 
 
 " Yes, Hank. What's your opinion of the Press ?" 
 
 "Wal, et's the publick's watch-dog ; an ef et wasn't fer th 
 warnin' bai'ks et's continually givin', them political thieves 'd 
 rob th' counjry till ther wasn't a bone left." 
 
 " We're glad you entertain such a good opinion of us, but I'm 
 afraid we don't all deserve it." 
 
 " Thar's black sheep tew be faound in every flock," continued 
 Hank, " an' I calklate thar's sum tew be faound among ye. But 
 tew take th' hull lot ov ye, I guess yer az hard-workin' a lot ov 
 well-intenshuned fellers ez ye kin find anywhere." 
 
 " Well," observed the Veteran, " the Press is certainly the 
 bulwark of the Nation, and the framers of the Constitution did 
 wisely in guaranteeing its perfect freedom." 
 
 " Thar's no danger in grantin' the fullest freedom tew ther 
 Press," remarked the old man. " Fer I look upon the noospaper 
 bizness th' same ez eny other bizness : yer manufactur artikels 
 ov commerse when ye print papers tew sell. Ef ye make er 
 good artikel th' peeple'll buy et, an' yer kin rely on th' peeple ^ 
 tew regulate th' quality ov th' goods they'll buy, an' ez Abe 
 Linken sed, *ye kant fool all th' peeple all th' time.' " 
 
 "Well, Uncle," chimed in one of his listeners, "you're quite 
 a philosopher." 
 
 "Filosophy aint nothin' more'n common sense biled daown," 
 concluded Hank, as he moved off in company with the Veteran. 
 
 As the pair approached the beautiful biiilding occupied by 
 the Baker Chocolate Company, Uncle Hank's eye caught the 
 inscription over the entrance : " Baker's Cocoa." He stopped 
 for a moment to comment upon it. Said he : 
 
248 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 "NAOW, THEl's A GOOD IDEE ; MAKE EM PAY A CENT PER A GLASS AN THEY'LL APPRECIATE 
 EX ; BUT KF YE GIV ET TEW EM FREE THEY'lL THINK ET AIN'T 
 NO GOOD. ET'S reel human NATUR," 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 249 
 
 " Baker's cocoa ! Why be'ant et jest ez good fer butchers, 
 grocers, lawyers, docters, an farmers ez well ez bakers ?" 
 
 A little further along the pair stopped at a pagoda-like 
 structure containing what looked like an immense ice cooler, 
 behind which stood an attractive-looking young lady dispensing 
 glasses of spring water to a thirsty crowd. 
 
 On closer inspection it proved to belong to the Geneva Lithia 
 Springs Company. 
 
 By placing a penny in a slot sufficient lithia water to fill a 
 good-sized tumbler was released, and a really good glass of 
 deliciously cool water was furnished at a nominal cost. 
 
 Uncle Hank remarked to his companion as they sampled a 
 glass : 
 
 " Naow, thet's a good idee, make em pay a cent fer a glass an 
 
 they'll appreciate et; but 
 ef ye giv et tew em free 
 they'll think et ain't no 
 good. Et's reel human 
 natur." 
 
 "That's so, Uncle," 
 remarked his compan- 
 ion. " Money talks." 
 
 " Besides," continued 
 the old man, "et en- 
 kourages th' drinkin ov 
 water, an thet's a good 
 thing. Why, over ther 
 in Alt Noormbug, they 
 drink hundreds ov 
 schoppens ov wine every 
 day till they kant see." 
 
 " Well, you know Tim- 
 othy said, * take a little 
 wine for thy stomach's 
 
 A GLASS OF WATER. 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 sake,' " remarked the journalist, who was rather partial to 
 liquor that was a little stronger than water. 
 
 " Yas, but ye'U notis he said a little" was Hank's rejoinder. 
 
 "Well, you caught me that time," laughingly replied the 
 journalist. "I guess I had better not throw any more quota- 
 tions at you, although as a rule I am a great believer in apt 
 quotations to point a moral, or to adorn a tale." 
 
 Next to the originator of a good sentence, is the first quoter of it. 
 
 — Emerson. 
 
 They had now reached the entrance to Horticultural Build- 
 ing, where the journalist was directing his footsteps to investi- 
 gate what he had been informed was the best Pan-American 
 exhibit of the Exposition. A most complete collection of food 
 plants was sent from Central and South American plantations; 
 there were also growing some very fine tea plants from South 
 Carolina. 
 
 " The Agricultural Department," remarked the journalist to 
 Uncle Hank, " some years ago tried to raise tea in the Southern 
 States and failed. Then a private capitalist took the matter 
 up and succeeded with a good-sized plantation in South Caro- 
 lina. His greatest difficulty was in securing proper labor, as 
 the hands of adults in that section were too clumsy for delicate 
 tea-picking. He finally established schools on his plantation, 
 and after many trials succeeded in sufficiently educating the 
 colored children in the neighborhood to do the work sufficiently 
 well for the purpose, and proved that tea culture in the South 
 could be made remuneratively successful. So you see, Uncle, 
 we may eventually have tea so cheap that it may become our 
 national drink." 
 
 " Yas, I've hearin tell ov considerabul cups ov tea bein drunk 
 by members ov Congress daown in thet restyrant under th' 
 Capitol at Washinton," remarked Uncle Hank with a knowing 
 wink. 
 
 AMERICAN TEA. 
 
' WAL, ET S NOT A BAD IDEE, ET THROWS A LOT OV SUNSHINE IN TEW THER 
 LIVES WHEN THEY WIN PRIZES LIKE THKT — EVEN EF ET 
 IS ONY AN ADVERTISIN' SK.EME." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 253 
 
 While his journalistic friend remained to continue his in- 
 vestigations, Uncle Hank proceeded on his sight-seeing- tour. 
 
 Just outside the building he stopped to look at a statue of an 
 Indian with a spear poised ready to strike a fish in the water 
 below. 
 
 It was a very clever bit of modeling, the muscles and ten- 
 dons in the arras being depicted with life-like accuracy. The 
 old man could not help admiring it, as it carried him back to 
 the days of his youth when he had used almost the same kind 
 of spear to catch salmon Indian fashion in the Kennebec River 
 " way down East " many years ago. 
 
 A little girl of perhaps eight years of age came out of the 
 Manufacturer's Building clapping her hands with glee ; she was 
 accompanied by two other children, a boy and a girl of nearly 
 the same age, who seemed to share in her enthusiastic happi- 
 ness. Every once in a while she would stop and eagerly scan 
 a slip of paper to make sure her eyes did not deceive her. She 
 was so engrossed with reading and re-reading the slip of paper 
 that she did not notice where she was going, and ran right into 
 Uncle Hank as he stood contemplating the Indian statue. 
 
 " Hello, thar ! little gal," he exclaimed, " whar air ye goin 
 so fast ? Ye seem tew be excited." 
 
 " Well, you see. Mister, I've just won five dollars," replied 
 the little one. 
 
 " Yes," eagerly chimed in one of her companions, " she' won 
 a prize, and nOw we're on our way to get the money for her," 
 
 " Wal, little one, tell me all abaout et ; whar did ye win th' 
 prize thet's excitin ye so ?" inquiringly asked Hank, his inquisi- 
 tive nature asserting itself. 
 
 " Why, right over there," the little girl replied, pointing her 
 finger in the direction of a booth that was surrounded by a 
 large crowd. 
 
 " Wal, sissy, I congratoolate ye on yer good luck," replied he, 
 as he strode over to the booth in question. 
 
 A REMINISCENCE. 
 
'BY ginger! THET's ax awkward squad, hay foot! straw foot! keep step THAR." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 255 
 
 There he found a handsomely decorated pavilion, m the i'hk awkward squad 
 centre of which stood a statuette, cast in soap, of a little grirl 
 holding a large cake of Sunshine soap in her arms. 
 
 Uncle Hank asked the tittendant in charge what the scheme 
 was that caused so much excitement among the children about, 
 who were all talking about the prize just awarded. 
 
 "You see," remarked the young lady, "the exhibitors of this 
 soap thought it would be a good thing to give away a prize 
 every week to the child who guessed the nearest to the weight 
 of a soap statuette, and the children got very excited over it.' 
 
 " Wal, et's not a bad idee," he chuckled ; " et throws a lot ov 
 sunshine in tew ther lives when they win prizes like that — 
 even ef et is ony an advertisin' skeme." 
 
 Military exactness marked the maneuvers of the Exposition 
 police. Every afternoon toward sunset a squad of guardians 
 of the peace would strut majestically across the Plaza on their 
 way to their several stations. As the police force was recruited 
 principally from the rural districts closely adjacent to Buffalo, 
 and had had no preparatory drilling, their movements were 
 decidedly awkward and provoked many smiles from the visiting 
 throngs. 
 
 " By ginger ! Thet's an awkward squad. Hay foot ! Straw 
 foot ! Keep step, thar ! " called out Uncle Hank, as a squad 
 passed by, and the verdant policemen grinned broadly as they 
 tried to maintain the regulation step. 
 
 But there was one thing to be said in favor of the police 
 force at the Pan-American Exposition, what it lacked in 
 military discipline it fully made up in politeness. No stranger 
 within the gates ever asked for information without getting a 
 polite answer from the honest fellows on guard. 
 
 " I see they used the Pan-Amerky colors on them buildins," 
 exclaimed Uncle Hank, as he stood in the centre of the Plaza 
 contemplating the Exposition in its entirety. " Red, white, X"^^'^ 
 blue, green an yaller, an et's a fine sight, er else I'm color- L \ 
 
 blind." F^^^K 
 
256 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 A LAST LOOK. Dowii the Plaza he continued his walk. It was his last day 
 
 at the Exposition, and he was taking his last look at what he 
 considered the finest spectacle ever prepared for mankind. 
 
 There is not the slightest doubt that the Pan-American Ex- 
 position will be the longest remembered, and will have its 
 greatest effect on the popular mind principally through its 
 wealth of spectacular features. 
 
 It was a sight worth traveling across the continent to see : 
 a sight unparalled in the history of great expositions. Archi- 
 tects, sculptors, artists, engineers, electricians and gardeners 
 had all worked with one purpose in view, and how well they 
 had succeeded was evidenced in the magnificent spectacle that 
 won the plaudits of all who were so fortunate as to have wit- 
 nessed it. 
 
 It was getting dark and he concluded that he would wind up 
 his visit with one more look at the evening illumination. 
 Although he had seen the lighting up several times, he never 
 tired of it ; it was a spectacle that grew upon him, and the 
 knowledge of what was to transpire only seemed to heighten 
 his enjoyment. 
 
 He stood facing the tall Electrical Tower as did thousands 
 around him. Slowly the little pink points of light appeared in 
 clusters, and then seemed to multiply until there appeared to 
 be millions of them — gradually they outlined the buildings in 
 rows about the windows, over the domes, under the arches, 
 everywhere. The buildings seemed to be obliterated, and in 
 their places were only outlines marked in tiny dots of fire. 
 Then the pink points grew brighter and brighter until they 
 resembled glistening lumps of gold, and the whole scene be- 
 came luminous, with a soft brilliancy that did not tire the eye, 
 and he was confronted with the most magnificent and artistic 
 nocturnal spectacle ever devised by man. 
 
 I'll jest carry th' impresshun ov thet magnifercent scene 
 tew my dyin day," he mused, as he slowly and thoughtfully 
 
AROUND THE "PAN. 
 
 AN AGENT OF CIVILIZATION. pacccl liis Way toward the exit. " Et makes me think ov^ th' 
 
 fairy-land thet I used ter beleeve in when I waz a child menny, 
 menny years ago, afore I hed ther romanse all knocked out ov 
 me rubbin up agin this hard, matter-o'-fact world," 
 
 On his way out of the Exposition grounds he had to pass 
 through the Transportation Building wherein were stored the 
 monster locomotives. He stood for a moment contemplating 
 one of the iron giants manufactured by the Baldwin Locomo- 
 tive Works, and soliloquized : 
 
 " Thar stands th' most powerful agent ov civilizashun. Et 
 strides acrost continents with ets armies ov peaceful conkwest, 
 scatterin barbaric hordes an transformin th' wilderness ov be- 
 nighted regions intew fertile valleys dotted with hamlets an 
 cities. Et enables civilizashun tew carry ets influense tew th' 
 uttermost limits ov th' world, an duz more fer mankind then all 
 th Alexanders, Ceezars, an Naypoleuns thet ever lived. Nine- 
 tenths ov history ez taken up with recordin th' deeds ov 
 conkerors an ginerals who were nothin more'ner less tlien 
 wholesail murderers, an nearly all th' statoos air erected tew 
 th' memery ov these militery slawterers. Let us hope thet th' 
 end ov this censury will see th' folly ov this, an thet th' better- 
 ment ov mankind will be better brought erbout thru th' agency 
 ov sech mejums ez locomotivs an th' like." 
 
 As Uncle Hank seated himself in the Belt Line car that was 
 to take him back to Buffalo from the Exposition grounds, he 
 noticed in the seat next to him a dapper young man who 
 evinced a desire to engage him in conversation. This was not 
 a very difficult matter to do, as our hero was always ready to 
 talk. 
 
 " Well, Uncle," said the young man, " I suppose you've seen 
 the ' Pan ' and all it had to show ?" 
 
 "Yas," he responded, "I reckon thar wazn't much tliet 
 escaped me." 
 
 " Well, you hard-working farmers need recreation such, as 
 these exhibitions afford. Farming is deuced hard work." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 259 
 
 *' Oh, I dunno. Farmin's easy naowdays.' wonderful farming 
 
 " Farming easy !" exclaimed the young- man, in evident implemknts. 
 
 astonishment at such an assertion. 
 
 "Oh, yas," continued Hank in an easy tone. " Ye see, I dew 
 
 all my plowin with a ridin plow fixed up with cushion seats, an 
 
 plant my grane with a new patent check row planter ; then 
 
 when et cums tew hayin time, by usin the Buckeye rotary 
 
 ackshun mower with er self-binder attachment, why taint no 
 
 work et all." 
 
 " Why, you surprise me!" exclaimed his companion. "I had 
 no idea farmers were so progressive." 
 
 " Oh, yas," continued the old man without the suspicion of a 
 smile. " Farmers ez up tew snuff nowadays ; in raism grane I 
 use ther Ureky double-back-ackshun reaper, with self-binder 
 an bundle carrier attachment, that carries th' grane tew th' 
 'lectric thrasher thet outomatically cuts th' bands, measures 
 th' grane, an dumps et intew bags, an stacks up th' straw ; an 
 I've ben on th' lookout et this fair fer a masheen thet wud take 
 th' grane tew market and bring back th' cash fer et." 
 
 This was too much for the young man, who excused himself, 
 and departed, concluding to look for easier game. 
 
 " Us farmers ain't th' guys they take us fer. An 1 f ergot 
 tew tell him I waz contemplatin puttin golf links on ther 
 thirty-acre lot back ov th' sheep medder nex yeer, ez soon ez 
 I kin git time tew sot th' poles fer 'lectric lights so they kin 
 play et nite ez well ez day." And the old man slapped his 
 knee in great glee at his success in " stringing " the young 
 fellow. 
 
 The train had now reached the city, and Uncle Hank at 
 once proceeded to secure his railway ticket and make arrange- 
 ments for a sleeping-car berth ; with this end in view he pno- 
 ceeded to make his way to the railway station. Not being- 
 familiar with Buffalo, he inquired of the first policeman he 
 met for information regarding the purchase of a ticket. 
 
26o 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 "THE TIP WHICH HE CONSIDERS HIS BY A CERTAIN DIVINE RUiHT." 
 
AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 261 
 
 " They're all getting tickets over there," responded the 
 official, pointing his finger in the direction of the Joint Rail- 
 way ticket office across the street with the words 
 
 JOINT AGENCY 
 
 above the door in large white letters. 
 
 Uncle Hank regarded it a moment, and then exclaimed : 
 
 " Naw ye don't ! Yer don't git me intew no jints. I onct 
 got intew a green goods jint, an et cost me a hundred dollars 
 tew git aout. No more jints fer yer Unkel Hank, by gum !" 
 and he strode off in a different direction to look for transporta- 
 tion, meanwhile watching the policeman with a suspicious eye. 
 
 He finally succeeded in finding the depot, and lost no time in 
 securing his ticket and a berth in the sleeper. 
 
 All was bustle and confusion in the railway station. People 
 were hurrying to and fro constantly making mistakes, notwith- 
 standing the fact that directions were constantly being bawled 
 out by a leather-lunged official through a big megaphone. 
 
 Uncle Hank was no exception to the rule, as he succeeded in 
 getting on a train bound for the West, and only discovered his 
 mistake as the train was moving out of the depot. But by dint 
 of hasty scrambling he succeeded in reaching the platform 
 again, and then accosted a pompous-looking porter. 
 
 " Mister Porter," inquired he, " whar's th' Medford train ?" 
 
 " Dar ain't no Medford train, sah," replied the porter, " frum 
 dis heah depo." 
 
 " Whar duz this train go?" asked Hank, pointing to the car 
 alongside of which they were standing, 
 ' " Dis train goes tu Allbiny, sar," replied the negro, haughtily. 
 
 " Wal, thet's my train, then ; don't ye kno enuf about jogra- 
 phy tew kno thet ye hev tew pass thru Allbiny tew git tew 
 Medford, Massachoosits." 
 
 THE DESPOT OF THE 
 PULLMAN. 
 
262 
 
 AROUND THE "PAN." 
 
 UNCLE hank's FAREwiai.. "Say, Boss, I aint paid fer knowin jography." And the 
 
 ebony-hued autocrat drew himself up to his full height. 
 
 The Pullman car porter is a small despot in his way, and 
 never unbends at the departure of a train. It is when the 
 train is approaching its destination that the son of Africa is all 
 obsequiousness, and with whisk-broom in one hand, he goes 
 through the operation of bringing to the surface all the latent 
 dust in your clothes, while he extends the other hand to receive 
 the tip which he considers his by a certain divine right accord- 
 ing to the usage in vogue with other monarchs. 
 
 Uncle Hank was now safely aboard his train, and as he was 
 tired out he lost no time in climbing into his berth, and as the 
 locomotive slowly drew out of Buffalo he stuck his head out of 
 the curtains and said : 
 
 " Good-bye, Pan- Ameriky. Ye've made a friend ov me ; ye've 
 giv me a good time, an I ain't th' kind tew ferget yer for it. 
 Good-bye !" 
 
 And the old gentleman was soon slumbering in the land of 
 Nod, dreaming of the beautiful " Rainbow City." 
 
 ********** * * 
 
 Printed at the 
 Ledger Press 
 New York 
 
clnoinnattl. OhlOjVar.fth. TCO?. 
 Hut.i|hAl\ Put. Cu. 
 
 «entl«aon - Tn answer to your favor reouestlnE tne sending 
 of six ooplee of "Around tna Pen' to belanoB tno to. in tho Anerlcar. 
 .VuBlolan tc d«*a,ttio same will be satlsfactoxy. The book Is one of 
 (the very beat In Its line and deaerves tho pralee of every visitor 
 to tne P«n-toerloan Kipoaitlon, The Musician takes great dellfeht 
 In rpetklne of its good humor tc Jts thousands of readers. 
 
 vury sinoarly youra . 
 
 TH E MADISON STATE BA NK. 
 
 MADISOH, SO. DAKOTA. 
 
 ''i/io/woi. 
 
 The Nutshell Pub. Co., 
 Mew york city. 
 
 Oentlemen:- Inclosed is draft for $2 in payment of the t'"* 
 ' "Around, the Pan" sent on trial The book is all right. 
 
 yours, 
 
 Uadlson state v»riki 
 
 Fob. 6th. 1002. 
 
 The nut Bhell Pub, Co. 
 
 N.Y. City., 
 
 Oentlaaon:- 
 
 »e certainly admire the way you do business, but then, 
 •e all admired the book, and though the prioe aeeos high as books 
 go now-a-days,Bo remit as requested, and will be obliged for a 
 receipt. 
 
 Yours truly. 
 
 The Amelia S. Glvlo'n-e* Libr 
 
 Feb. 18th. 1802. 
 
 Hut Publlshli 
 
 Kut Publishing Company. 
 
 H.Y. city. 
 
 Dear Slro:- 
 
 Enolosod please find is. 00 in payment of the copy of 
 "Around the Pan ' sent to ne by express on January 29th. I think the 
 Dock is well worth the price. 
 
 Yours very truly. 
 
 5«e'y t Treas. 
 SP.VP.aiiAM Opoc:*ry Coupany. 
 
 .Si.J^uu,. 
 
 Deo. 31/01. 
 
 The .Mut Shell Publishing Co. 
 
 N.Y. 
 
 Deer Slrs:- 
 
 Your book Around the Fan * rood. Vor ssme I enclose 
 #2. xt Is oertainly alright. 
 
 Yours truly, 
 
 p. J. PaKLBY, R<a»d». 
 
 OFFICE OF 
 
 m Recorder of Vawpai County 
 
 t C AVERYT, \>irttr- 
 
 Prescott, grizona, J -13-'02l, 
 
 THE HUTSHELl P'JBLISHIUG CO. , 
 Hew York City. 
 
 Dear Sirs:- of "toound tho Pan ' end cheerfully rec- 
 
 .„„.end It a^ Tefng^re grfatest mlrth-prevok^ng book now in olr- 
 culatlon in. the south-west.^^^^^ I handed t.e -P^'-O^^ »° ^^-^^^'^ 
 wooster proprietor of one of the principal book stores of t^^^ °J»y• 
 "lth recoi^enderlon that he introduce It to his trade as °ne 
 most unioue and Intereatlnc works cf its kind now before thepublic. 
 /no It ie a sure cure for -a torpid liver. 
 
 Very truly yours , , 
 
tx^ MISSISSIPPI NATiONAL BANK 
 
 OF POBT OIBSON. MISS. J^^fy 6%i\^l902.- 
 
 The Nutshell Publishing Co., 
 
 #105« Third Arepue, 
 
 New Yorlf, H. Y. 
 
 Dear Siric- 
 
 "Around the Pan " has been read by me with Buch plM-surc. 
 The Bescrlptlon of the exposition is Interesting and eduoatlng, tn* 
 
 , the huBJUL-Conta^taiiS 
 
 Yours very trulyT 
 
 (2,^6^*9 Oy-CU^/ Qt,^uJ>lyr^ 
 
 URGER 
 
 J. 
 
 CatiarauguA 
 
 ^ N.W.Cor.( l..irlj««,Lexin|jloii Sl» 
 
 7/.r 22Q6 
 
 To FIRST NATIONAL BANK. 
 
 ELIZABETH OITY. N C 
 
Canton, Ohio. lloh. 3, 19«2. 
 
 Nutehell publishing Co., 
 
 York, 
 H. T. 
 
 rer.tleaiin:- 
 
 M»r*»lt:)i find our oh«ok for $2.00 In pft]ruat sm oopy "lro«i.1 th» 
 .P«n". whlph »« «oelv8d d«rini th* holidays, tai rttt tMot «• b^c nrr ntofi 
 plMsod . 
 
A FEW COMMENTS. 
 
 We find its general "make-up" quite amusing, 
 and wish it all possible success. Mother St. 
 Agnes, Directress Ursuline Couvent, Galveston, 
 Texas. 
 
 Mr. Fleming, the author, is also the illustra- 
 tor, and his pictures here are eveu more clever 
 and humorous than those with which he has 
 heretofore amused. Altogether the work is a 
 kinetoscope of fun and fact at the Pan American. 
 — N. T. Journal. 
 
 As I spent considerable time at the Exposition 
 during the past summer, I am free to say your 
 book is true to life in every particular. I have 
 no hesitancy in sayiug that it is by far the best 
 and most instructive work descriptive of the 
 great Pan-American Exposition of 1901— Editor 
 of Colorado Weekly. 
 
 The various adventures which befell the inter- 
 esting countryman are always rounded off with 
 a touch of humor.— iV. Y. Tribune. 
 
 This is one of those " tonrs de force " at which 
 one involuntarily mervels. The picture is ex- 
 cellent, not merely an ingeuous curiosity, but a 
 good portrait. It alone makes the book well 
 worth having.— iV^. T. Mail & Express. 
 
 The illustrations are abundant and striking 
 and the reading matter is decidedly spicy. This 
 book ought to meet with a large sale, gotten up 
 as it is in a very attractive form. The volume 
 has 262 pages, heavy paper.— iV^ewarfc Courier, 
 Newark, If. J. 
 
 The book you sent us a few days ago, " Around 
 the Pan," is highly entertaining. Wm. A. Ober- 
 CHAiN, President Ogden College, Bowling Green, 
 Ky. 
 
 Some funny things in it. * * * We'll keep 
 it. The Champion Ball Bearing Co., Sudbury 
 Building, Boston, Mass. 
 
 Thomas Fleming, who wrote and illustrated 
 "Around the Pan with Uncle Hank," is a kind of 
 Yankee Aristophanes, and has made his hero, 
 Uncle Hank, see the humorous and useful side 
 of every feature of the beautiful Pan-American 
 Exposition just closed.— iesZte's Weekly 
 
 "Around the Pan" is a broadly humorous ac- 
 count of the adventures of " Uncle Hank " at the 
 Buffalo Exposition, by Thomas Fleming. There 
 is much fun in it, and the pictures by the author 
 are as amusing as the text.— From the San Fran- 
 cisco Chronicle. 
 
 This is a large and handsomely bound volume, 
 profusely illustrated in a way calculated to pro- 
 voke smiles and arouse interest.— iVom the 
 Savannah Oa. Morning News. 
 
 The book is worth buying if only for the flne re- 
 production of a very remarkable portrait of the 
 late President McKinley, drawn entirely with 
 ODo Wne.— Brooklyn Eagle. 
 
 "Around the Pan with Uncle Hank "has all 
 the ear marks of a book that will have a tre- 
 mendous sale and become more popular as time 
 ■pB,9ses.— Daily Journal, Pittsburg, Pa. 
 
 'This publication is truly interesting and 
 unique. Puee Gldien Food Co., New York, 
 
 THE NUTSHEI/I/ PUB. 
 
 IF YOU SEE IT IN THE 
 SUN IT'S SO. 
 
 Tlie Great Show in UulI^Io. 
 
 The reader may as well make up his mind to be pleasant- 
 ly overwhelmed by the opulence and vivacity of " Around 
 the Pan With Uncle Hank; His Trip Through the Pan- 
 American Exposition," by Thomas Fleming (The Nutshell 
 Publishing Company). The wonders begin with the 
 frontispiece picture, which is a portrait of President 
 McKinley, drawn in a single line, beginning at a point on 
 the cheek-bone and going round and round in a constantly 
 widening circle, with waverings and down-bearings of 
 the pen in pi-oper places to secure detachment ;ind shading. 
 We are told that tliis portrait " is considered the most 
 unique work of its kind in the world," and if there are 
 degrees of uniqueness, we are willing to believe that 
 tbis is most the tiling of which there is no duplicate. 
 
 lu a "foreword" the author warns the public that this 
 is not> a work put forth for the encouragement of those 
 who desire to be miserable. It was constructed, he 
 declares, on the theory that it is far better to laugh than 
 to weep, and he intimates a hope that it furthermore may 
 tend to "impart a few lessons in philosophy and knowl- 
 edge." Turning the leaf, we find a picture of " Senorita 
 South America mnking goo-goo eyes at Uncle Sam." The 
 Senorita's eyes are large and beautiful, and the use that 
 she is declared to be making of them is distinctly interest- 
 ing. Times have not been wanting when she seemed 
 hardly to be making eyes of the sort, but it is known, of 
 course, that she can make them, and the picture en- 
 courages the hope that she will send us a new statue of 
 Gen. Bolivar for the Central Park, presently. 
 
 We are told in regard to the Pan-American show, that 
 "in its humorous aspect it was replete with interesting 
 features and personalties. There was the Arab with his 
 baggy trousers, the Mexican in his preposterously wide- 
 brimmed soml)rero, and the absurdly togged-up Senegam- 
 bian from 'Darkest Africa'— who were all rich in mirth- 
 provoking possibilities." 
 
 We find here many more than these. Uncle Hank 
 himself, with his tippet of whiskers, his noticeable 
 umbrella and boots, and his carpetbag that seems to have 
 been made expressly to serve as a receptacle far gold 
 bricks, is no less interesting than the Arab and the 
 Mexican and the toggod-up Senegambian. There are fat 
 men and fat women "doing" the exhibition in wheeled 
 chairs, to the evident discouragement of those who are 
 pushing them ; cadaverous panhandlers looking for free 
 lunch; "coppers" fascinating the populace; Spaniards 
 irritating lire-breathing bulls; Cleopatra doing the body 
 dance; Filipinos looking for beer; Germans with dachs- 
 hijuds; Indian maidens making goo-goo eyes through the 
 slits of tents; "barkers" proclaiming the glories of the 
 streets of Venice; Turks looking f(H- collar-buttons; Gen. 
 Miles in full uniform; the falls of Niagara-and much 
 besides. Of course there is the text in addition to the 
 pictures, and we should be surprised indeed to hear from 
 any purchaser the opinion that he had not got his money's 
 worth, ($2.00). 
 
 New York Sun, Jan. 11, 1902. 
 
 CO., 1059 Third Ave., New York. 
 
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