From the library of J. Paul Getty •f'-rs T ' ' A 0 F A u E^' B. Written for the univerfal Improvement . of M A N K I N D. Diu multumque dejideratum. To which are added, i/- / An Account of a BATTLE between the Ancient and the Modern Books in St. fames' % Library ; and, A Difcourfe concerning the Mechanical Operation of the Spirit. W^ith the Author’s Apology; and, Explanatory Notes, by W, IVottorif B. D. and others. Eafioia eacabafa eanaa irraurida. diarba da caeotaba fobor ca* melanthi. Iren. 1. t. c. iS. Juvatque novos decerpere flores^ Jnfgnewque meo capitt petere inde ccronantt Unde prius nulli velarur.t tempora mufie. The Thirteenth Edition. Lucret* GLASGOW: Printed by R. U r i i. M DCC LIIJ. Digitized by the Internet Archive# in 2017 with funding from Getty Research Institute https://archive.org/detaiis/taleoftubwrittenOOswif Treatifes wrote by the fame author mofl of them mentioned in the following difcourfes ; which will be fpeedily publijhed. A Charader of the prefent fet of wits in this ifland. A paneg 3 Tical eflay upon the number THREE, A dilTertation upon the principal produ<5lions of Criih-jlreet. Le<51ures upon a difleftion of human nature. A panegyric upon the world. An analytical difcourfe upon zeal, hiflori-theo-pbyfi- logically confidered. A general hlftory of ears, A modeft defence of the proceedings of the rabble in all ages. A defcription of the kingdom of ahfurdities, A voyage into England, by a perfon of quality in Terra aujlralis incognita, tranfiated from the original. A critical elTay upon the art of canting, philofophl' cally, phyfically, and mufically confidered. A N apology For the, etc. TF good and ill nature equally operated upon mankind, I might have faved mylelf the trouble of this apolo- gy : for it is manifeft, by the reception the following ciif- courfe hath met with, that thofe, who approve it, are a great majority among the men of tafte. Yet there have been two or three treatifes written exprefsly againft it, befides many others that have flirted at it occaflonally, without one fyllable having been ever publiflied in its defence, or even quotation to its advantage, that I can remember ; except by the polite author of a late dif- courfe between a Deiji and a Soctnian. Therefore, fince the book leems calculated to live at leaft as long as our language, and our tafte admits no great alterations, I am content to convey fome apology along with it. The greateft part of that book was finiflied above thir- teen years fince, 1696 ; which is eight years before it was publifhed. The author was then young, his invention at the height, and his reading frefh in his head. By the afliftance of fome thinking, and much converfation, he had endeavoured to ftrip himfelf of as many real preju- dices as he could : I fay, real ones ; becaufe, under the notion of prejudices, he knew to what dangerous height fome men have proceeded. Thus prepared, he thought the numerous and grofs corruptions in religion and learn, ing might furnifli matter for a fatire, that v/ould be ufe- vl An apology for the author, ful and diverting. He refolved to proceed in a manner that (hould be altogether new ; the world having been already too long naufeated with endlefs repetitions upon every fubjed:. The abufes in religion he propoled to fet forth in the allegory of the coats and the three brothers ; which was to make up the body of the difeourfe. Thofe in learning he chofe to introduce by way of digrellions. He was then a young Gentleman much in the world ; and wrote to the tafte of thofe who were like himfelf : there- fore, in order to allure them, he gave a liberty to his pen, which might not fuit with maturer years, or graver cha- racters ; and which he could have ealily corrected with a very few blots, had he been mailer of his papers for a year or two before their publication. Not that he v/ould have governed his judgment by the ill-placed cavils of the four, the envious, the llupid, and the taftelefs; which he mentions with difdain. He ac- knowleges there are feveral youthful fallies, which, from the grave and the wife, may deferve a rebuke. But he de- fires to be anfwerable no farther than he is guilty; and that his faults may not be multiplied by the ignorant, the unnatural, and uncharitable applications of thofe who have neither candour to fuppofe good meanings, nor pa- late to dillinguifh true ones. After which he will forfeit his life, if any one opinion can be fairly deduced from that book, which is contrary to religion or morality. Why Ihould any clergyman of our church be angry to fee the follies of Fanaticifm and Superllition expofed, though in the moll ridiculous manner ? lince that is per- haps the mod probable way to cure them, or at lead to hinder them from farther fpreading. Beddes, though it was not intended for their perufal, it rallies nothing but what they preach againd. It contains nothing to pro- voke them by the lead feurriiity upon their perfons or their functions. It celebrates the church of England, as the mod perfect of all others in difcipline and doCtrine ; An apology for the author, vii it advances no opinion they rejedl, nor condemns any they receive. If the clergy’s refentments lay upon their hands, in my humble opinion, they might have found more proper objefts to employ them on. Nondum tibi defuit hojlis : I mean thofe heavy, illiterate fcriblers, pro- ftitute in their reputations, vitious in their lives, and ruined in their fortunes; who, to the fliame of good fenfe as well as piety, are greedily read, merely upon the ftrength of bold, falfe, impious alTertions, mixed with unmannerly refledions upon the priefthoed, and openly intended againfl; all religion ; in ftiort, full of fuch prin- ciples as are kindly received, becaufe they arc ’evelled to remove thofe terrors that religion tells men will be the confequence of immoral lives. Nothing like which is to be met with in this difeourfe, though fome of them are pleafed fo freely to cenfure it. And I wilh there were no other inftance of what I have too frequently obferved, that many of that Reverend body are not always very nice in diftinguilhing between their enemies and their friends. Had the author’s intentions met with a more candid interpretation from fome, whom, out of refped, he for- bears to name, he might have been encouraged to an ex- amination of books written by fome of thofe authors a- bove deferibed ; whofe errors, ignorance, dulnefs, and villany, he thinks he could have deteded and expofed in fuch a manner, that the perfons, who are mofl; conceived to be infeded by them, would foon lay them afide, and be alhamed. But he has now given over thofe thoughts ; fince the 'iSeigbtieft men in the luelghtiej} ftations are plea- fed to think it a more dangerous point, to laugh at thole corruptions in religion which they themfelves mull dif- approve, than to endeavour pulling up thofe very foun- dations wherein all Chrillians have agreed. He thinks it no fair proceeding, that any perfon Ihould offer determinately to fix a name upon the author of this viii An apology for the author, difcourfe, who hath all along concealed him felf from moft of his neareft friends : yet feveral have gone a farther ftcp, and pronounced another book * to have been the work of the fame hand with this ; which the author affirms to be a thorough miftake, he having yet never fo much as read that difcourfe : A plain inflance how little truth there often is in general furmifes, or in conjedures drawn from a fimilitude of ftyle, or way of thinking. Had the author writ a book to expofe the abufes in law, or in phyfic, he believes the learned profeflbrs in cither faculty would have been fo far from refenting it, as to have given him thanks for his pains; efpecially if he had made an honourable refervation for the true pra^ tftice of either fcicnce. But religion, they tell us, ought not to be ridiculed; and they tell us truth: yet furely the corruptions in it may; for v/e are taught by the triteft maxim in the world, that religion being the beft of things, its corruptions are likely to be the worft. There is one thing which the judicious reader cannot but have obferved, that fome of thole pallages in this dif* courfc which appear mod: liable to objediion, are w'hat they call parodies, where the author perfonates the dyle and manner of other writers, whom he has a mind td expofe. I lhall produce one indance; it is in the 6oth page. Dryden, VEflrange^ and fome others I lhall not name, are here levelled at; who, having fpent their lives in fadlion, and apodafies, and all manner of vice, pre- tended to be fufferers for loyalty and religion. So Dry- den tells us, in one of his prefaces, of his merits and luf* ferings ; thanks God, t’:at he p^jfejfes his foul in pati»nce. In other places he talks at the fame rate; and UEJlrange often ufes iftie like dyle : and I believe the reader may find more perfons to give that padage an application. But this is enough to diredl thofe who may have overlooked the author^'s intention. {_* Letter of entlnifiafm.] There An apology for the author^ ix There are three or four other pafTages which preju- diced or ignorant readers have drawn by great force to hint at iil meanings ; as if they glanced at fonie tenets in religion. In anfwer to ail w'hich, the author folemnly protelb he is intirely Innocent, and never had it once in his thoughts, that any thing he faid would in the leaf! be capable ol fuch interpretations; which he will engage to deduce full as fairly from the moft innocent book in the world. And it will be obvious to every reader, that this was not any part of his feheme or defign; the abufes he notes, being fuch as all cYiuxch-oi-England men agree in : nor was it proper for his fubjed to meddle with other points, than fuch as have been perpetually controverted hnee the reformation. Toinllance only in that palTage about the three wooden machines mentioned in the introdudion : In the original manufeript there was a defeription of a fourth, which thofe, who had the papers in their power, blotted out, as hav- ing fomething in it of fatire,that, 1 fuppofe,they thought was too particular; and therefore they v/ere forced to change it to the number three ; from whence Tome have endeavoured to fqueeze out a dangerous meaning, that was never thought on. And indeed the conceit was half fpoiled by changing the numbers ; that of four being much more cabalilHc^ and therefore better expofing the pretend- ed virtue of numbers; a fuperftition there intended to be ridiculed. Another thing to be obferved, is, that there generally runs an irony through the thread of the whole book; which the men of talk will obferve and diftinguilh, and which will render fome objedions, that have been made, very weak and infignificant. This apology being chiefly intended for the fatisfadion of future readers, it may be thought unnecclftry to take any notice of fuch treatifes as have been writ againft this enluing dhcourfc ; which arc already funk into walle h X Jn apology for the authof". paper and oblivion, after the ufual fate of common an- fwerers to books which are allowed to have any merit. They are indeed like annuals that grow about a young tree, and fcem to vie with it for a fnmmer; but fall and die with the leaves in autumn, and are never heard of any more. When Dr. Eachard writ his book about the con- tempt of the clergy, numbers of thofe anfwers immedi- ately darted up, whofe memory if he had not kept alive by his replies, it would now be utterly unknown that he were ever anfwered at all. There is indeed an exception, when any great genius thinks it wo,rth his while to ex- pofe a foolifli piece. So we dill read Marvel's, anfwer to Parker with pleafure, though the book it anfwers be funk long ago ; fo the Karl of Orrery's, remarks will be read with delight, when the dilKcrtation he expofes will nei- ther be fought nor found. But thefe are no enterprizes for common hands, nor to be hoped for above once or twice in an age. Men would be more cautious of loling their time in fuch an undertaking, if they did but con- fidcr that to anfwer a book ed'edlually, requires more pains and Ikill, more wit, learning and judgment, than- were employed in the writing it. And the author af- fnres thofe Gentlemen who have given themfelves that trouble with him, that his difeourfe is the produid of the dudy, the obfervation, and the invention of feveral years ; that he, often blotted out much more than he left; and= if his papers had not been a long time out of his polfef- don, they mud have dill undergone more fevere cor- retdions. And do they think fuch a building is to be bat- tered with dirt-pellets, however invenomed the mouths may be that difeharge them ? He hath feen the produdli- ons but of two anfwerers; one of which drd appeared as from an unknown hand, but dnee avowed by a per- fon, who upon fome occadons hath difeOvered no ill vein of humour. It is a pity any occafions Ihould put him under a nccefiity of being fo hady in his producli- :An apology for the author. xt jons, which otherwife might often be entertaining. I3iit there were other reafons obvious enough for his mifcar- riage in this; he writ againd the convidion of his ta- Jent, and entered upon one of the wrongefl: attempts in •nature, to turn into ridicule, by a week’s labour, a work which had coft fo much time, and met with fo much fuc- cefs in ridiculing others. The manner how he hand- led his fubjeB, I have now forgot ; having julf looked it over when it firfl: came out, as others did, merely for the fake of the title. The other anfwer is from a perfoii of a graver chara- der, and is made up of half invedive and half annota- tion ; in the latter of which he hath generally fucceeded well enough. And the projed at that time was not amifs to draw in readers to his pamphlet ; feveral having ap- peared defirous that there might be fome explication of the more difficult paflages. Neither can he be altogether blamed for offering at the invedive part ; becaufc it is agreed on all hands, that the author had given him fuf- ficient provocation. The great objedion is againft his manner of treating it, very unfuitable to one of his fun- dion. It was determined by a fair majority, that this anfwerer had, in a way not to be pardoned, drawn his pen againft a certain great man then alive, and univer- fally reverenced for every good quality that could poffi- bly enter into the compoGtion of the moft accomplifhed perfon. It was obferved how he was pleafed and affeded to have that noble writer called his adverfary ; and it was a point of fatire well direded ; for I have been told Sir W. T. was fufficiently mortiGed at the term. All the men of wit and politenefs were immediately up in arms, through indignation, which prevailed over their contempt, by the confequences they apprehended from fuch an ex- ^ ample; and it grew to be Porfenna'% cafe; idem trecenti juravlmus. In ffiort, things were ripe for a general infur- redion, till my Lord Orren h'xd a little laid the fpirit, B 2 xll An apology for the author. and fettled the ferment. But his Lordfhip being princl* pally engaged with another antagonift, it was thought neceffary in order to quiet the minds of men, that this oppofer fliould receive a reprimand, which partly occa- Boned that difcourfe of the battle of the books ; and the author was farther at the pains to infert one or two re- marks on him in the body of the book. This anfwcrer has been plealed to find fault with about a dozen palTages, which the author will not be at the trou- ble of defending, farther than by affuring the reader, that for the greater part the refiedter is entirely miftakcn, and forces interpretations which never once entered into the writer’s head, nor will, he is fure, into that of any read- er of tafte and candour. He allows two or three at moH:, there produced, to have been delivered unwarily; for which he defires to plead the excufe olfered already, of his youth, and franknefs of fpeech, and his papers be- ing out of his power at the time they were publifiied. But this anfwerer infills, and fays, what he chiefly difiikes, is the defign. What that was, I have already told; and I believe there is not a perfon in England who can underhand that book, that ever imagined it to have been any thing elfe, but to expofe the abufes and cor- ruptions in learning and religion. But it would be good to know what defign this re- flecher was ferving, when he concludes his pamphlet with a caution to thereader, to beware of thinking the author’s wit was entirely his own. Surely this muft have had fome allay of perfonal animofity, at lead: mixed with the de~ fign of ferving the public by fo ufeful a difeovery ; and it indeed touches the author in a very tender point, who infills upon it, that through the whole book he has not borrowed one fingle hint from any writer in the world ; and he thought, of all criticifms, that would never have been one. He conceived it was never difputed to be an original, whatever faults it might have. However, this an- An apology for the author* xiii fwerer produces three inftances to prove this author's wit is not his own in many places. The firtt is. That the names of Peter, Martin, 2a\^ Jack,zxt borrowed from a letter of the late Duke of Buckingham. Whatever wit is con- tained in thefe three names, the author is content to give it up, and defires his readers will fubtrad as much as they placed upon that account ; at the fame time pro- tefting lolemnly, that he never once heard of that letter, except in this pafiage of the anfwerer : lb that the names were not borrowed, as he affirms, though they fiiould happen to be the fame ; which however is odd enough, and what he hardly believes ; that of Jack being not quite fo obvious as tlie other two. The lecond inftance to (hew the author's wit is not his own, is Peter's banter (as he calls it in his Alfatia phrale) upon tranfubftantia- tion, which is taken from the fame Duke’s conference with an Irijh prieft, where a cork is turned into a horfe. This the author confelles to have fecn, about ten years after this book was writ, and a year or two after it was publiffied. Nay, the anfwerer overthrows this hirafelf: for he allows the tale was writ in 1697; and I think that pamphlet was not printed in many years after. It was necefiary that corruption fhould have fome allego- ry as well as the reft ; and the author invented the pro- pereft he could, without enquiring what other people had writ ; and the commoneft reader will find, there is not the leaft refemblance between the two ftories. The third inftance is in theie words: I have been ajjured, that the battle in St. James’/ library is, mutatis mutandis, taken cut of a French Book, intitled. Combat dcs livres, if Imif remember not. In which pafiage there are two claufts ob- fervable: I have been ajfured; and, If I mifremember not. I defire firft to know, whether, if that conjecture proves an utter falfhood, thofe two claufes will be a fufficient excufe for this worthy critic. The matter is a trifle : but would he venture to pronounce at this cate upon one of xlv An apstlogy for the author. greater moment ? I know nothing more contemptible In a writer than the character of a plagiary ; which he here fixes at a venture, and this not for a palTage, but a whole difcourle, taken out from another book, onXymutatis mu- tandis. The author is as much in the dark about this as the anfw'erer; and will imitate him by an affirmation at random, that if there be a word of truth in this refle- xion, he is a paultry, imitating pedant, and the anf\vercr is a perfon of wit, manners, and truth. He takes his boldnefs, from never having feen any fuch treatife in his life, nor heard of it before ; and he is fure it is im- poffible for tw'o writers of different times and countries, to agree in their thoughts after fuch a manner, that two continued difrourifes fliall be the fame, only mutan- dis. Neither will he infift upon the miflake in the title. But let the anfwerer and his friend produce any book they pleafe, he defies them to ffiew one Angle particu- lar, where the judicious reader will affirm he has been obliged for the fmallefl: hint; giving only allowance for the accidental encountering of a fingle thought, which he knows may fometimes happen ; though he has never yet found it in that difcourfe, nor has heard it objedted by any body elle. So that if ever any defign was unfortunately execu- ted, it muff be that of this anfwerer ; who, when he would have it obferved, that the author’s wit is not his own, is able to produce but three inftances, two of them mere trifles, and all three manifeftly falle. If this be the way thefe gentlemen deal with the world in thofe criticifins, where we have not leifure to defeat them, their readers had need be cautious how they rely upon their credit; and whether this proceeding can be reconciled to huma- nity or truth, let thofe, who think it worth their while, determine. It is agreed, this anfwerer would have fucceeded much better, if he had ffuck wholly to his bufinefs as a com- An apology for the author, xv mentator upon the Tale of a tub ; wherein it cannot be denied, that he hath been of fome fervice to the public, and has given very fair conje<51ures towards clearing up fome difficult paffages. But it is the frequent error of thofe men, (otherwife very commendable for their la- bours), to make excurfions beyond their talent and their office, by pretending to point out the beauties and the faults ; which is no part of their trade, which they always fail in, which the world never expeded from them, nor * gave them any thanks for endeavouring at. The part of Mifiellius, or Farnaby, w'ould have fallen in with his ge- nius, and might have been ferviceable to many readers, who cannot enter into the abftrufer parts of that dif- courfe. But optat epkippia bos piger ; the dull, unwieldly, ill-(haped ox would needs put on the furniture of a horfe * not confidering he was born to labour, to plow the ground for the fake of fuperior beings ; and that he has neither the fhape, mettle nor fpeed of that noble animal he would afl'edl to perfonate. It is another pattern of this aiifwerer’s fair dealing, to give ns hints that the author is dead, and yet to lay the fufpicion upon fome-body, I know not who. In the country. To which can be only returned, that he is ab- foiLitely miftaken in all his conjedures ; and furely con- jedlures are at beft too light a pretence to allow a man to affign a name in public. He condemns a book, and con- fequently the author, of whom he is utterly ignorant; yet at the fame time fixes in print, what he thinks a dif- advantageous charader upon thofe who never deferveit. A man, who receives a buffet in the dark, may be allowed to be vexed ; but it is an odd kind of revenge, to go to cuffs in broad day with the lirft he meets with, and lay the lad night’s injury at his door. And thus much for this difcreet, candid, pious, and ingenious anfwercr. How the author came to be without his papers, Is a dory not proper to be told, and of verv little ufe, being xvi An apology for the author. a private fa(5l, of which the reader would believe as little, or as much as he thought good. He had however a blotted copy by him, which he intended to have writ over, with many alterations ; and this the publilhers were well aware of, having put it into the bookfeller’s preface, that they apprehended a furreptltious copy which was to be altered, etc. This, though not regarded by readers, was a real truth ; only the furreptltious copy was rather that which was printed : and they made ail the hafte they could, which indeed was needlefs; the author not being at all prepared. But he has been told, the bookfeller was in much pain, having given a good fum of money for the copy. In the author’s original copy there were not fo many chafms as appear in the book; and why lorae of them were left, he knows not. Had the publication been truB- ed to him, he fhould have made feveral corrections of pad'ages againll which nothing hath been ever objected. He fhould likewlfe have altered a few of thofe that feem with any reafon to be excepted agalnR ; but, to deal free- ly, the greateft number he fhould have left untouched, as never fufpcvfling it pofhble any wrong interpretations could be made of them. The author obferves, at the end of the book there is a difeourfe called A fragment ; which he more wondered to lee in print than all the reft; having been a moft im- perfect lltetch, with the addition of a few iooie hints, which he once lent a Gentleman who had defigned a dif- courfe of fcinewhat the fame fubjeCt: he never thought of it afterwards ; and it was a fufhclent furprife to fee it pieced lip together, whofty out of the method and feheme he had intended ; for it was the ground- work of a much larger difeourfe, and be was forry to obferve the mate- rials fo fooliftily employed. There is one farther objection made by thoie wlio have anfwered this book, as well as by fome others, lhat An apology for the author » XvU that Pster is frequently made to repeat oaths and curfes* Every reader obfcrves it was necelTary to know that Pe->’ ter did fwear and curfe. The oaths are not printed outj but only fuppofed ; and the idea of an oath is not im- moral, like the idea of a prophane or immodeft fpeech. A man may laugh at the popilh folly of curfing people to hell, and imagine them fwearing without any crime ; but lewd words, or dangerous opinions, though printed by halves, fill the reader’s mind with ill ideas ; and of thefe the author cannot be accufed. For the judicious reader will find, that the fevereft ftrokes of fatire in his book are levelled againft the modern cuftom of employ* ing wit upon thofe topics; of which there is a remark- able inftance in the 12^ page ^ as well as in feveral others, though perhaps once or twice exprefled in too free a manner, excufable only for the reafons already alleged. Some overtures have been made, by a third hand, to the bookfciler, for the author’s altering thofe pafiages which he thought might require it. But it feems the bookfeller will not hear of any fuch thing, being apprehenfive it might fpoil the fale of the book. The author cannot conclude this apology, without making this one reflexion, That, as wit is the noblelt and mofl: ufeful gift of human nature, fo humour is the moil: agreeable ; and where thefe two enter far into the compofition of any work, they will render it always ac- ceptable to the world. Now, the great part of thofe who have no fhare or tafte of either, but by their pride, pe- dantry and ill manners, lay themfelves bare to the lalbes of both, think the blow is weak, becaufe they are inf^n- fible; and where wit hath any mixture of raillery, it is b^^C calling It banter y and the work is done. This polite w'ord of theirs was firfl borrowed from the bullies In White* Fryars, then fell among the footmen, and at lafl retired to the pedants ; by whom it is applied us properly fo the produdions of wit, as if I Ihould apply it to Sir I/aac C 3iviii An apology for the author, Newtonh mathematics. But if this hanterwg, as they call it, be fo defpifable a thing, whence comes it to pafs they have fuch a perpetual itch towards it themfeives ? To inftance only in the anfwerer already mentioned; it is grievous to fee him in fome of his writings at every turn going out of his way to be waggifh, to tell us of a cow that pricked up her tail; and in his anfwer to this difeourfe, he fays, it is all a farce and a ladle; with other palTages equally (liining. One may fay of thele impedi- merit a liter arinn^ that wit owes them a fhame; and they cannot take wifer couiifel, than to keep out of harm’s way, or at leaft not to come till they are fure they are called. To conclude, with thofe allowances above required, this book flioLild be read ; after which the author con- ceives, few things will remain, which may not be excufed in a young writer. He wrote only to the men of wit and tafte; and he thinks he is not miftaken in his accounts, when he fays they have been all of his fide, enough to give him the vanity of telling his name ; wherein the world, with all its wife conje^lures, is yet very much in the dark : which circumfiance is no difagreeable amufement, either to the public or himfelf. The author is informed, that the bookfeller has pre- vailed on feveral gentlemen, to write fome explanatory notes (^z),for the goodnefs of which he is not to anfwer ; having never feen any of them, nor intends it, till they appear in print ; when it is not unlikely he may have the pleafure to find twenty meanings which never enten* ed into his imagination. June 3. 1709. (a J, The notes indofed thus [ ], were in the editions printed before the publication of this POSTSCRIPT. xix' SINCE the writing of this, which was about a year ago ; a proftitute bookfeller hath publifhed a foolifli pa- per, under the name of Notes on the Tale of a tub, with fome account of the author ; and with an infolence, which, T fuppofe, is punilhahle by law, hath prefumed to afllgn certain names. It v;lll be enough for the author to affiire the world, that the writer of that paper is utterly wrong in all his conjedures upon that affair. The author far- ther afferts, that the whole work is intirely of one hand ; which every reader of judgment will eafily dlfcover. The gentleman who gave the copy to the bookfeller, being a friend of the author, and ufing no other liberties befides that of expunging certain paffages, where nowthechafms appear under the name of Defiderate. But if any perfon will prove his claim to three lines in the whole book, let him ftep forth, and tell his name and titles; upon W'hich the bookfeller fhall have orders to prefix them to the next edition, and the claimant fhall from hencefor- ward be acknowleged the undifputed author. C 2 r> , < i - ■ '. ../: i; ?,. . --5: , '■■ ;. :, ' : -V.' .‘,M ;,'■. ,.,'.,'J *-'•-■.• . ■ ■■ , '.'■’i(*>A4 i/im: ‘ .'?/ . .' : .• M.< : ■■ . r'4..r:i.n:' - - >. ■ ,:)■■- „ • ‘ .. > : . :r- 'x-;; ■; v t ■ ■ ■' •■ . "' < '* ■; -u :.■ ;' ? ^ C: ' k ‘ ,. V'-.,- - ■ y r. ■' •■■ ■‘■k , M.'tfk!' t'' ^ -k-" •■' ■ w; ...... ■ k • ' i; ' ,.' ■ kk I f.. . : ^ ■' •' "■■ ' ■'■'■' ‘’-•- '?>■•! IW ^'4’3 ‘’■'-'.f ■•.' ■ ,. ' .. ^ .!»-,** '^i.- :i:,-ii •;' "''r''"'''=.v-’. ^'■'■v-'v^ ' .n J -- U' A,? fk’*'-- " T O The Right Honourable J O H N Lord S 0 M M E R S. Mr LORD, T hough the author has written a large de- dication, yet that being addrefled to a Prince, ■whom I am never likely to have the honour of be- ing known to; a perlbn, befides, as far as I can ob- ferve, not at all regarded, or thought on by any of our prelent writers ; and being wholly free from that flavery which booklellers ufually lie under to the caprices of authors; I think it a wile piece of prefumption, to inlcribe thele papers toyourLord- Ihip, and to implore your Lordlhip’s protection of them. God, and your Lordlhip, know their faults, and their merits ; for as to my own particular, I am altogether a llranger to the matter ; and though every body elfe Ihould be equally ignorant, I do not fear the fale of the book at all the worfe upon xxii DEDICATION, that fcore. Your Lordfliip’s name on the front, in capital letters, will at any time get off one edition. Neither would I defire any other help to grow an Alderman, than a patent for the foie privilege of dedicating to your Lordflaip. I fliould now, in right of a dedicator, give your Lordfhip a lift of your own virtues, and at the fame time be very unwilling to offend your mo- defty ; but chiefly I flaould celebrate your liberality towards men of great parts and finall fortunes, and give you broad hints that I mean myfelf. And I was juft going on in the ufual method, to p^ufe a hundred or two of dedications, and tranfcribe an abftrafV, to be applied to your Lordfhip ; but I was diverted by a certain accident. For, upon the co- vers of thefe papers, I cafually obferved written in large letters, the two following words, D ET U R DIGNISSIMO; which, for ought I knew, might contain fome important meaning. But it unluckily fell out, that none of the authors I em- ploy underftood Latin; (though I have them often in pay, to tranflate out of that language). I was therefore compelled to have recourfe to the curate of our parhh, who Englifhed it thus. Let it he given to the ivorthiefi. And his comment was, tKat the author meant his work fliould be dedicated to the fubiimeft genius of the age, for wit, learning, judg-- ment, eloquence, and wifdom. I called at a poet’s chamber (who works for my fliop) in an alley hard by, fliewed him the tranflarion, and defired his opinion, who it was that the author could mean. He told me, after fome confideration, that vanity was a thing he abhorred ; bur, by the defcription, he thought himfelf to be the perfon aimed at; and at the fame time he very kindly offered his own affiftance gratis ^ towards penning a dedication to D IS D 1 C A r 1 O 'N. xxiii himfclf. I defired him, however, to give a fecond guefs. Why then, faid he, it muft be I, or my Lord Sommers. From thence I went to feveral other wits of my acquaintance, with no fmall ha- zard and wearinefs to my perfon, from a prodigi- ous number of dark, winding ftairs ; but found them all in the fame ftory, both of your Lordfliip and themfelves. Now, your Lordfliip is to under- hand, that this proceeding was not of my own in- vention ; for, I have fomewhere heard, it is a max- im, That thofe, to whom every body allows the fecond place, have an undoubted title to the firh. This infallibly convinced me, that your Lord- fhip was the perfon intended by the author. Bur, being very unacquainted in the Bile and form of dedications, I employed thofe wits aforefaid, to furnifh me with hints and materials towards a pa- negyric upon your Lordfhip’s virtues. In two days they brought me ten fneets of pa- per, filled up on every fide. They fwore to me, that they had ranfacked whatever could be found in the characters of Socrates, Arijjides, Epaminon^ das, Cato, Tuliy, Atticus, and other hard names which I cannot now recolleCt. However, I have reafon to believe, they impoled upon my igno- rance ; becaufe when I came to read over their col- lections, there was not a fyllable there but what I and every body elfe knew as well as therrifdves. Therefore I grievoufly fufpeCt a cheat ; and that thefe authors of mine Bole and tranBribed every word from the univerfil report of mankind. So that 1 look upon myfelf as fifty fhillings out of pocket, to no manner of purpofe. If by altering the title,- I could make the fame materials ferve for another dedication, (as my bet- ters have done), it would help to make up niy lofsr xxiv DEDICATION, but I have made feveral perfbns dip here and there in thofe papers ; and before they read three lines, they have all alfured me plainly, that they cannot poffibly be applied to any perfon befides your Lord (hip. I expected indeed to have heard of your Lord- fhip’s bravery, at the head of an army : of your un- daunted courage, in mounting a breach, or (caling a wall ; or to have had your pedigree traced in a lineal defeent from the houfe oIAuflria; or of your wonderful talent at drels and dancing; or your profound knowlege in algebruy metaphyfics, and the oriental tongues. But to ply the world with an old beaten ftory of your wir, and eloquence, and learning, and wifdom, and juflice, and polite- nels, and candour, and evennefs of temper in all feenes of life; of that great dilcernment in dif- covering, and readinefs in flavouring deferving men ; with forty other common topics ; I confefs I have neither conlcience nor countenance to do it: be- caufe there is no virtue, either of a public or private life, which fbme circumflances of your own have not often produced upon the flage of the world ; and thofe few which, for want of occallons to ex- ert them, might otherwife have paffed unfeen or unobferved by your friends , your enemies have at length brought to light. It is true,I fhouldbc veryloth, the bright example of your Lord (hip’s virtues ihould be loft to after- ages, both for their fake and your own ; but chiefly, becaufe they will be fo very neceflfary to adorn the hiftory of a late reign : and that is another reafbn why I would forbear to make a recital of them here; becaufe I have been told by wife men, that as dedications have run for fome years paft, a good hiftoriaii XXV DEDICATION. iiiflorlan will not be apt to have recourfe thither, in fearch of characters. There is one point wherein I think we dedica- tors would do well to change our ineafures ; I mean, inflead of running on fo far upon the praile of our patrons liberality ^ to fpend a word or two in ad- miring their patience. I can put no greater com- pliment on your Lordfliip’s, than by giving you fb ample an occafion to exercife it at prefent. Though, perhaps, I Hiallnot be apt to reckon much merit to your Lord {hip upon that (core, who hav- ing been formerly u(ed to tedious harangues, and fometimes to as little purpofe, will be the readier to pardon this; ef'pecially, when it is offered by one, who is, with all refpect and veneration, mr LORD, Tour Lordjhip's mojl obedient, and moft faithful fervant. The Bookfeller. D THE BOOKSELLER T O T H E READER. IT IS now fi)s years fince thefe papers came firj} to my hand, which feems to have been about a twelvemonth after they were writ. For the author tells us in his preface to the frf treatife, that he hath calculated it for the year 1697 ; and in feveral pafages of that difcourfe, as well as the fecond. It appears they were written about that time. As to the author, 1 can give no manner of fatisfadiion. However, I am credibly informed that this publication is without his knowlege ; for he concludes the copy is lof, hav- ing lent it to a perfon fince dead, and being never in pofeJJiGn of it after. So that whether the work received his lafl hand , or whether he intended to fill up the defedlive places, is like to remain a fecret. If I fimdd go about to tell the reader, by what accident I became mafier of thefe papers, it would, in this unbelicv- ing age, pafs for little more than the cant or jargon of the trade. I'therefore gladly fpare both him and mxfelf fo un- necefifary a trouble. There yet remains a difficult quefiion, D 2 xxvili 7he Bookfeller to the Reader. why Ipihlifhed them no fooner ? I forbore upon two accounts : Firflj hecaufe I thought I had better work upon my hands s- and^fecondly^ hecaufe I was not without fom^e hope of hear ~ ingfrom the author, and receiving his dire diions. But, I have been lately alarmed with intelligence of a furreptitious copy, which a certain great wit had now polifed and refined; or, as our prejent writers exprefs theinf elves, fitted to the hu- mour of the age ; as they have already done, with great fe- licily, to Don Quixote, Boccallni, La Bruyere, and other authors. However, I thought it fairer dealing to offer the whole work in its naturals. If any gentleman will pleafe to piirnifh me with a key, in order to explain the more difiicult parts, I Jhall very gratefully acknovolege the favour, and print it by itfelf THE EPISTLE DEDICATORY, T O His Royal Highnefs Prince Posterity. S IK, I Here prefentjowr Highnefs with the fruits of a ve- ry few leifure-hours, ftoln from the fhort intervals of a world of bufinefs, and of an employment quite alien from fuch amufemcnts as this; the poor production of that refufe of time which has lain heavy upon my hands, during a long prorogation of parliament, a great dearth of foreign news, and a tedious fit of rainy weather. For which and other reafons, it cannot chufe extremely to The x;itation out of Irenaeus in the title-page, which Teems to be all gihberip, is a form of initiation ufed anciently by the Marcqfian heretics. W. Wotion. It is the ufual ftyle of decried writers, to appeal to Pofie- rity, who is here reprefented as a prince in his nonage, and Time as his governor; and the author begins, in a way very- frequent with him, by perfonating other writers, who fome- times offer fuch reafons and excufes for publifhing their w'orks, as they ought chiefly to conceal, and be afliamed of. 30 DEDICATION, deferve fuch a patronage as that oHyour Highnefsy whofe numberlefs virtues, in fo few years, make the world look upon you as the future example to all princes. For al- though your H'lghnefs Is hardly got clear of infancy, yet has the univerfal learned world already refolved upon appealing to your future dilates with the loweft and moft refigned fubmiffion ; fate having decreed you foie arbiter of the produdions of human wit, in this polite and moH: accomplifiied age. Methinks, the number of appellants were enough to fhock and ftartle any judge of a genius lefs unlimited than your’s. But, in order to prevent fuch glorious trials, the perfo7i,\t feems, to whofe care the education of Highnefs is committed, has refolved, as I am told, to keep you in almoft an univer- fal ignorance of our ftudies, which it is your inherent birthright to infped:. It is amazing to me, that this perfon fliould have af- furance, in the face of the fun, to go about perfuading your Highnefs j that our age is aimoft wholly illiterate, and has hardly produced one writer upon any fubjecH:. I know very well, that when your Highnefs (hall come to riper years, and have gone through the learning of an- tiquity, you will be too curious to negled inquiring in- to the authors of the very age before you. And to think that this infolent, in the account he is preparing for your view, defigns to reduce them to a number fo infignili- cant as I am afnamed to mention ; it moves my zeal and my fpleen for the honour and intereft of our vaft flourifhing body, as ,well as of my-felf, for whom I know, by long experience, he has profelTed and ftill continues a peculiar malice. It is not unlikely, that when^yor/r Highnefs will one day perufe what I am now writing, you may be ready to expoftulate with yom governor upon the credit of what To Prince Posterity, 31 I here afRrm, and command him to fhew you fbme of our produ^ions. To which he will anfwer, (for I am well informed of his defigns), by alking your Highnefs, \\ here they are ? and, What is become of them ? and pretend it a deraonftration that there never were any, becaufe they are not then to be found. Not to be found ! W ho has raiflaid them ? Are they funk in the abyfs of things ? It is certain, that in their own nature they were light enough to fwim upon the furface for all eternity. Therefore the fault is in him, who tied weights fo heavy to their heels, as to deprefs them to the centre. Is their very elTence deftroyed? Who has annihilated them? Were they drowned by purges y or martyred by pipes? Who adminiftered them to the pofteriors of ? But, that it may no longer be a doubt w'ith your Highnefs y who is to be the author of this univerfal ruin, I befeech you to obferve that large and terrible feythe which your governor affefts to bear continually about him ; be pleaf- ed to remark the length and ftrength, the (harpnefs and hardnefs of his nails and teeth ; confider his baneful a- bominable breathy enemy to life and matter, infedious and corrupting ; and then reflect whether it be pofiiblc for any mortal ink and paper of this generation to make a fuitable reliftance. Oh that j-w/r Highnefs would one day refolve to dilarm this ufurping Maitre du palais (^z) of his furious engines, and bring your empire hors de page Q), It were endlefs to recount the feveral methods of ty- ranny and deftrudion which your governor is pleafed to pradlife upon this occalipn. His inveterate malice is fuch to the writings of our age, that of feveral thou lands pro- duced yearly from this renowned city, before the next {a) Comptroller. (h) Out of' guardlanlhip. 32 DEDICATION. revolution of the fan, there is not one to be heard of. Unhappy infants ! many of them barbaroufly deftroyed, before they have fo much as learned their mot her -tongue to beg for pity. Some he ftifles in their cradles ; others he frights into convuifions, whereof they fuddenly die: fome he flays alive, others he tears limb from limb : great numbers are oflered to Moloch; and the reft, tainted by his breath, die of a languifliing confumption. But the concern I have mod at heart, is for our cor- poration of poets ; from v.^hom I am preparing a petition to yottr Highuefs, to be fubfcribed with the names of one hundred thirty fix of the firfl rate ; but whofe im- mortal produdioRS are never likely to reach your eyes, though each of them is now an humble and an earned appellant for the laurel, and has large comely volumes ready to diew for a fupport to his pretenfions. The never-dying works of thefe illudrious pcrforis, your gover- nor, Sir, has devoted to unavoidable death ; and your Highnefs is to be made believe, that our age has never arrived at the honour to produce one Angle poet. We confefs ImmortaUfy to be a great and powerful goddefs : but in vain we oder up to her our devotions and our facriiices, your Highnefs* s govennor, who has ufurped the prieflhood, mud, by an unparallelled ambition and avarice, wholly intercept and devour them. To affirm that our age is altogether unlearned, and devoid of writers in any kind, {eeras to be an aflertion fo hold and fo falfe, that I have been fome time think- ing the contrary may almod be proved by nncontroiil- able deraondration. It is true indeed, that although their liorabers be vad,and their productions niumerous in pro- portion ; yet are they hurried fo hadily off the icene, that they elcape our memory, and delude our light. When 7* ? Prince Posterity. 33 ■When I firfl thought of this addrefs, I had prepared a copious lilt of titles to prefent yawr Hnghnefsy as an un- diiputed argument for what I affirm. The originals were ported freffi upon all gates and corners of rtreets ; but, returning in a very few hours to take a review, they were all torn down, and freffi ones in their places. I inquired after them among readers and bookfellers : but I enquired in vain ; the memoyial of them was lofl among men^ tbein place tvas no more to be found : and I was laugh- ed to fcorn for a clozvn and a pedant y devoid of all tarte and refinement, little verfed in the courfe of prefent af- fairs ; and that knew nothing of what had parted in the bert companies of court and town. So that I can only avow in general to your Highnefs, that we do abound in learning and wit; but to fix upon particulars, is a talk too rtippery for my flender abilities, if I ffiould venture in a windy day to affirm to your Highnefs that there is a large cloud near the. horizon in the form of a beacy another in the zenith with the head of an afy a third to the wert- ward with claws like a dragon ; andiyour Highnefs ffiould in a few minutes think fit to examine the truth ; it is certain they would be all changed in figure and porttion ; new ones would ^arife ; and all we could agree upon, would be, that clouds there were, but that I was grofsly mirtaken in the zo^graphy and topography of them. But -^^onr governor perhaps may rtill inrtrt, and put thequertion,Whatis then become of thofeimmenfe bales of paper, which murt needs have been employed in fuch numbers of books ? Can thefe alfo be wholly annihilate, and fo of a fudden, as I pretend ? What rtiall I fay in return of fo invidious an objeertion? It ill befits the di- rtance between your Highnefs and me, to fend you for ocular conviertion to a jakes, or an oven; to the windows of a bawdy-houfeyOT to 3 . fordid lanthorn. Books, like men, their authors, have no more than one way of coming into E DEDICATION, 34 the world ; but there are ten thoufand to go out of it, and return no more. I profefs ioyour Highnefs, in the Integrity of my heart, that what I am going to fay is literally true this minute 1 am writing. What revolutions may happen before it fiiali be ready for your perufa], I can by no means war- rant. However, I beg you to accept it as a fpecimen of our learning, our polltenefs, and our wit. 1 do there- fore aflirra, upon the word of a fincere man, that there is now aHually in being a certain poet, called John Dry- den, whofe tranOatlon of Virgil was lately printed in a large folio, well bound, and if diligent fearch were made, for ought I know, is yet to be feeft. There is another,’ called Nahum Tate, who is ready to make oath, that he has caiifed many reams of verfe to be publilhed, where- of both himfelf and his bookfellcr, if lawfully required, can ftill produce authentic copies; and therefore won- ders why the world is pleafed to make fuch a fecret of it. There is a third, known by the name oVTom Diirfey, a poet of a vaft comprehenilon, an univerfal genius, and moll profound learning. There are alfo one Mr. Rynier, and one Mr. Dennis, moft profound critics. There is a perfon liiled Dr. B — nt — y, who has written near a thou- I’and pages of Immenfe erudition, giving a full and true account of a certain fquakble of wonderful importance between himfelf and a bookfeller. He Is a writer of in- finite wit and humour ; no man rallies with a better grace, and in more fprighdy turns. Farther, I avow \.o your Highnefs, that with thefe eyes, I have beheld the per- fon of V/illiam JV — ft — 77, B. D. who has written a good fizeable volume againfi: a friend of your governor (from whom, alas ! he mull: therefore look for little favour) in a mofi: gentlemanly hyle, adorned with the utmoft politenefs and civility; replete with difcoveries, equal- ly valuable for their novelry and ufe; and embellilhed To Prince Posterity. 35 - with traits of wit fo poignant and fo appofite, that he is a worth}? yokemate, to his forementioned friend. Why fltould I go upon farther particulars, which might £11 a volume with thejufl elogies ofmy cotemporary bre- thren ? I fliall bequeath this piece of judice to a larger work ; wherein I intend to write a character of the pre- fent fet of whs in our nation. Their perfons I fliall de- feribe particularly, and at length ; their genius and under- ftandings, in mignatiire. Tn the mean time, I do here make bold lo prelent Highnefs with a faithful abftraft drawn from the univer- fal body of all arts and fciences, intended wholly for your fervice and inftrudtion. Nor do I doubt in the lead;, but your Highnefs will perufe it as carefully, and make as con- fiderable improvements, as other yowng princes have al- ready done by the many volumes of late years written for a help to their ftudies. That your Highnefs may advance In wifdom and vir- tue, as well as years, and at laft outHiine ail your Royal anceftors, lhail be the daily prayer of, December j 1697. SIR, I'oitr Highnefsh Mofl devoted, etc. E 37 THE PREFACE. T he wits of the prefent age being fb very nume- rous and penetrating, it Teems the grandees of church and Jiate begin to fall under horrible apprehen- fions, left thefe gentlemen, during the intervals of a long peace, ftiould find leifure to pick holes in the weak fides of religion and government. To prevent which, there has been much thought employed of late upon certain projeds for taking oiF the force and edge of thofe for- midable enquirers, from canvailing and reafoning upon fuch delicate points. They have at length fixed upon one, which will require fome time as well as coft to per- fevft. Mean while, the danger hourly increafing, by new levies of wits, all appointed, as there is reafon to fear, with pen, ink and paper, whifh may, at an hour’s warn- ing, be drawn out into pamphlets, and other offenfive weapons, ready for immediate execution; it was judged of abfolute necefiity, that fome prefent expedient be thought on, till the main defign can be brought to ma- turity. To this end, at a grand committee, fome days ago, this important difeovery was made by a certain curious and refined obferver, That feamen have a cu- ftom, when they meet a whale, to fling him out an empty tub by way of amufement, to divert him from laying vi- olent hands upon the fliip. This parable was immedi- ately mythologized. The whale was interpreted to be Hobbes\ Leviathan ; which tofl'es and plays with ail other fchemes of religion and government, whereof a great ma- The PREFACE. 38 ny are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noify, and wooden, and given to rotation. This is the Leviathan from whence the terrible wits of our age are faid to borrow their wea- pons. ThQ Jhip in danger, is eafily underftood to be its old antitype the common'weaith . But how to analyfe the tahy was a matter of diflicuity ; when, after long inquiry and debate, the literal meaning was preferved: and it was decreed, that, in order to prevent thefe Leviathans from tolling and fporting wdth the commonwealth, (which of itfeif is too apt to jluhiuate'), they fhould be diverted from that game by a tale of a tub. And my genius being conceived to lie not unhappily that way, I had the ho- nour done me to be engaged in the performance. This is the foie defign in publifhing the following treatifc ; which I- hope will ferve for an interhn of fome months to employ thofe unquiet fpirits, till the perfe61- ingof that great work : into the fecret of which, it is rea- fonable the courteous reader fhould have fome little light. It is intended, that a large academy be ere^^ted, capa- ble of containing nine thoufand feven hundred forty and three perfons ; which, by model! computation, is reck- oned to be pretty near the current number of wits in this illand. Thefe are to be difpofed into the feveral fchools of this academy, and there purfue thofe lludies to which their genius mol! inclines them. The undertaker hlmfelf will publilh his propofals with all convenient fpeed; to which I lhall refer the curious reader for a more particular account, mentioning at pre-; fent only a few of the principal fchools. There is lirll; a large pederaflic fchool, with French and Italian maders : there is alfo the fpelling fchool, a very fpacious huiluing ; the fchool of looking-glaffes ; the fchool oi f wearing ; the fchool of critics ; the fchool of falivation ; the fchool of hohby-horfes ; the fchool of poetry; the fchool of tops (^z) ; {a) This, I think, the author Ihould have omitted, it being of the very fame nature with the fchool of hohhy-horfci ; if one The PREFACE, 39 the fchool of fpleen ; the fchool gaming ; with many others, too tedious to recount. Ko perfon to be admit- ted member into any of thefe fchools, without an attefta- tion under two fufHcient perfons hands, certifying him to be a init. But to return : I am fufficiently infrrufled in the prin- cipal duty of a preface, if my genius were capable of ar- riving at it. Thrice have I forced my imagination to make the tour of my invention, and thrice it has return- ed empty ; the latter having been wholly drained by the follov/ing treatife. Not fo my more fuccefsful brethren the moderns^ who will by no means let flip a preface or dedication, without fome notable diflinguifliing ftroke, to furprife the reader at the entry, and kindle a wonder- ful expedtation of what is to enfue. Such was that of a mofl: ingenious poet, who, foliciting his brain for fome- thing new, compared himfelf to the hangman, and his patron to the patient. This v/ds* i?jjig?!e, recens, indicium ore alio (/;). When I went through that neceffary and noble coiirfe of ftudy f , 1 had the happinefs to obi'erve many fuch egregious touches; which I fliali not injure the authors by tranfplanting ; becaufe I have remarked, that nothing is fo very tender as a modern piece of wit, which is apt to furfer fo much in the carriage. Some things are extremely witty to-day, or fa/ling, or in this place, or at eight o' clock, or over a bottle, ox fpole by Mr, Whatd’y’call’m, or in a fiimmer's morning; any of which, by the fmallefl tranfpofal or mifapplication, is utterly an- nihilate. Thus Wit has its walks and purlieus; out of which it may not flray the breadth of a hair, upon pe- may venture to cenfure one who is fo fevere a cenfurerofothers, perhaps with too little diftincliou. [* Hor.l (i) Something extraordinary new, and never hit upon before. f Reading prefaces, cic.'j rhe PREFACE. 40 ril of being lofi. The moderns have artfully fixed this Mercury^ and reduced it to the circum fiances of time, place and peribn. Such a jell: there is, that will not pafs out of Covent-garden ; and fuch a one, that is no where intelligible but at Hyde-park corner. Now, though it fometiracs tenderly affe^s me, to confider, that all the towardly paiTages I fiiaJi deliver, in the following trea- tile, will grow quite out of date and rellfli with the firfi fiiifting of the prefent fcene; yet I muft need fubfcribe to tlie jaftice of this proceeding; becaule I cannot ima- gine why we fiiould be at expence to furnifii wit for fucceeding ages, wdien the former have made no fort of provifion for ours: wherein I fpeak the fentiment of the very neweft, and conrequently the moft orthodox refin- ers, as well as my own. However, being extremely foli- citous, that every accompliflied perfon, who has got in- to the tafte of wit calculated for this prefent month of Augnd 1697, fiiould defcend to the very bottom of all the fublime throughout this treatife, I hold it fit to lay down this general maxim. Whatever reader defires to have a thorough comprehenfion of an author’s thoughts, cannot take a better method, than by putting himfeif into the circumfiances and pofiures of life that the writer was in upon every important pafiage, as it flowed from his pen : for this will introduce a parity and ftridt correfpondence of ideas between the reader and the author. Now, po aflift the diligent reader in fo delicate an affair, as far as brevity will permit,! have recolledled, that the fiirewdefi pieces of this treatife were conceived in bed, in a garret. At other times, for a reafon beft known to myfelf, I thought fit to fharpeli my invention with hunger ; and, in general the whole work was begun, continued, and ended, under a long courfe of phyfic, and a great want of money. Now I do affirm, it will be abfolutely im- pofiible for the candid perufer to go along with me in a great many bright pafiages, unlefs, upon the feveral dif- ficulties rhe V R E F A C t. 4I ficulties emergent, he will pleafe to capacitate and pre- pare hiin'tif by thefe directions. And this i lay down as my principal pojh’atufn, Becuuie 1 have profelTed to be a moH: devoted Servant of all moi'ern forms, 1 apprehend Tome cur'ons 'vh may object againlt me, for proceeding thus rn a preface, without declaiming, according to the cuftom, agalnfl the multitude of writers, whereof the v hole mekitude of writers mofl reafonably complains I amjuft come from peruhng fome hundreds of prefaces, wherein the authors do at the very beginning addrefs the gentle reader con- cerning this enormous grievance. Of thefe T have pre- ferved a few examples, and (hall let them down as near as my memory has been able to retain them. One begins thus. For a man to fet up for a writer, when the prefs fwarms with, e/r.” Another : The tax upon paper does not leiTen the number of fcriblers, who daily pefter, etc. Another: “ When every little w'ould-be>wIt takes pen in hand^ it is in vain to enter the lifts, etc. Another : To obferve what trafti the prefs fwarms with, e/r.” Another : “ Sir, It is merely in obedience to your commands, that I venture into the public : for who, upon a lefs conftderation, would be of a party with fuch a rabble of fcriblers ? etc.’’’" “Now,! have two words in my own defence againft this objection. Firft, I am far from granting the number of writers a nufance to our nation ; having ftrennoufly main- tained the contrary in feveral parts of the following dif- courfe. Secondly, I do not well underftand the juftice of this proceeding; becaufe I obferve many of thek po- F The PREFACE. 4 ? life prefaces to be not only from the fame hand, but from thofe who are mod voluminous in their feveral produ- ifdons. Upon which I fhall tell the reader a fnort tale. A mountebank in Lekefier-fields had drawn a huge affembly about him. Among the ref!:, a fat unwieldy fellow, half ftified in the prefs, would be every fit cry- ing out, — Lord, what a filthy croud is here ! Pray, good people gave way a little. Blefs me ! what a de- vii has raked this rabble together! Z ds, what fqueezing is this ! Honeft friend, remove your elbow. At lafl:, a weaver flood next him, could hold no longer. — A plague confound you (faid he) for an overgrown floven ; and who, (in the devil’s name), I wonder, helps to make up the croud half fo much as yourfelf ? Don’t you confider, (with a pox), that you take up more room with that carcafs than any five here ? Is not the place as free for ns as for you ? Bring your own guts to a reafonabie compafs, (and be d — n’d) ; and then I’ll engage we fhall have room enough for us all.” There are certain common privileges of a writer; the benefit whereof, I hope, there will be no reafon to doubt ; particularly, that, where I am not underflood, it fhall be concluded, that fomething very ufeful and profound is couched underneath ; and again, that whatever word or fentence is printed in a different charafler, fhall be judged to contain fomething extraordinary either of w// or fublime. As for the liberty I have thought fit to take of praif- ing rayfelf upon fome occafions or none, I am fure it will need no excufe, if a multitude of great examples be allowed fufficient authority. For it is here to be noted, that praife was originally a penfion paid by the world : bat the moderfis ydmdmg the trouble and charge too great in colleding it, have lately bought out the fec-fimple-; fince which time the right of prefentation is wholly in ourfelves. For this reafon it is, that when an author ■i j I The P R E F A C E. 43 j makes his own elogy, he ufes a certain form to declare and infill; upon his title; which is commonly in thefe i or the like words, I [peak withrjut vanity : which, I think, I pl.iinly fhews it to be a matter of right and julllce. Now, ; I do here once for all declare, that in every encounter of this nature, through the following treatife, the form aforefaid is implied ; which I mention to fave the trou- ^ ble of repeating it on fo many occalions. ■ It is a great eafe to my confcience, that I have writ fo elaborate and ufeful a difeourfe without one grain of ; fatire intermixed ; which is the foie point wherein I have I taken leave to dilTent from the famous originals of our j age and country. I have obferved fome fatirifls to ufe I the public much at the rate that pedants do a naughty boy, ready horfed for difcipline! Firll:, expoflulate the cafe, then plead the necelTity of the rod, from great pro- ' vocations, and conclude every period with a lalh. Now, I if ! know any thing of mankind, thefe gentlemen might j very well fpare their reproof and corredion : for there i is not, through all nature, another fo callous and infen- I lible a member as the world's pofleriors, whether you ap- ply to it the toe or the birch. Befides, mod: of our hte fatirids feem to lie under a fort of mldake, that becaufe nettles have the prerogative to ding, therefore all other weeds mud ’do fo too. I make not this comparifon out of the lead defign to detrad from thefe worthy writers : for it is well known among mythologifls, that weeds have the pre-eminence over all other vegetables ; and there- fore the fird monarch of this idand, whofe tade and judg- ment were fo acute and refined, did very wifely root cut the rofes from -the collar of the orde'',and plant the thilHes in their dead, as the nobler flower of the two. For which reafbn it is conjectured by profouncier antiquaries, that the fa'irical Itch, fo prevalcnl. in this part of our idand, was fird brought among us from beyond the T weed. Here may it long flourifli and abound. May it furvive and ne- F 2 i The PREFACE. 44 gledl: the fcorn of the world, with as much eafe and con* tempt as the world is infenfible to the lalhes of it. May their own dulnefs or that of their party be no difcour- agement for the authors to proceed: but let them re- member, it is with wits as with razors^ which are never fo apt to cut thofe they are employed on, as when they have lofl their edge. Bcfides, thofe, whofe teeth are too rotten to bite, are beft of all others qualified to revenge that defed with their breath. I am not like other men, to envy or undervalue the talents I cannot reach ; for which reafon I mufl: needs bear a true honour to this large eminent fe^Sl of our Bri‘ tijh writers. And I hope, this little panegyric will not be offenfive to their ears, fince it has the advantage of being only defigned for therafelves. indeed, Nature her- felf has taken order, that fame and honour (hould be pur- chafed at a better pennyworth by fatire, than by any other productions of the brain; the world being foonefi pro- voked to p'-a^fc by lajhes, as men are to love. There is a problem in an ancient author, why dedications, and other b'mdles of fiattery, run all upon ftale mufiy to- pics, without the fmalleft tinchure of any thing new; not only to the torment and naufeating of the Ch 'iflia?2 read- er, but, if not fuddeniy prevented, to the univerfal fpread- ing of that peftilent difeafe, the lethargy, in this ifland ; whereas there is very little fatire which has not fome- thing in it untouched before. The defeats of the former are ufually imputed to the want of invention among thofe who are dealers in that kind: but, I think, v/ith a great deal of injud:ice; the foKuion being caiy and natural. For, the materials of panegyric, being very few in num- ber, have been long fnee exhaulled : for, as health is but one thing, and has been always the fame, whereas dif- eafes are by thoufands, befides new and daily additions; fo all the virtues, that have been ever in mankind, are to he counted upon a few fingers ; but his follies and vices The PREFACE. 45 are Innumerable, and time adds hourly to the heap. Now, the utmofl a poor poet can do, is to get by heart a lift of the cardinal virtues, and deal them with his utmoft libe- rality to his hero or his patron. Hemay ring the changes as far as it will go, and vary his phrafe till he has talk- ed round : but the reader quickly finds it is all pork with a little variety of fauce. For there is no invent- ing terms of art beyond our ideas; and when ideas arc exhaufted, terms of art muft be fo too. But, though the matter for panegyric were as fruitful as the topics of fatire, yet would it not be hard to find out a fufficient reafon, why the latter will be always bet- ter received than the firft. For, this being bellowed on- ly upon one or a few perfons at a time, is fure to raife en- vy, and confequently ill words, from the reft, who have no lhare in the blelling. But fatire, being levelled at all, is never refen ted for an offence by any; fince every in- dividual perfon makes bold to underftand it of others, and very wifely removes his particular part of the bur- den upon the Ihoulders of the world, which are broad enough, and able to bear it. To this purpofe, I have fometimes refletfted upon the difference between Athens and England j with refpedl to the point before us. In the commonwealth*, it was the privilege and birth- right of every citizen and poet, to rail aloud and in pub- lic, or to expofe upon the ftage by name, any perfon they pleafed, though of the greateft figure, whether a Cre'jny an Hjperboltts y an AlcibtadeSy or a Demojlhenes. But on the other fide, the leaft refle' Ut, ' ■ .V •' :; ^4- ■ ■ ^ r . ' ; - '’U:. 4-:::> A TALE O F A TUB- SECTION I. The INTRODUCTION, W HOEVER hath an ambition to be heard in a croud, mu ft prefs, and fqueeze, and thruft, and climb with Indefatigable pains, till he has exalted himfelf to a certain degree of altitude above them. Now, in all aftemblies, though you wedge them ever fo clofe, we may obferve this peculiar pro- perty, That over their heads there is room enough ; but how to reach it, is the difficult point ; it being as hard to get quit of number ^ as of hell, ■ Evadere ad cur as y Hoc opuSy hie labor ejl («). To this end, the philofopher’s way in all ages has (fl) But to return, and view the chearful (kies. In this the talk and mighty labour lies. G 50 J Tate of a TUB. ,j been by ereding certain edifices in the air. But, what- j ever pradice and reputation thefe kind of ftrudures have formerly polTefTed, or may ftill continue In, not except- f ing even that of Socrates, when he was fufpended in a : bafl^et to help contemplation; I think, with due fubmif- ; bon, they feem to labour under two inconveniencies. ;! Firfl, That the foundations being laid too high, they ' have been often out of fight, and ever out of hearing. \ Secmidly, That the materials, being very tranfitory, have fulfered much from inclemencies of air, efpecially in ; thefe north-wefl: regions. Therefore, towards the jufl: performance of this great i work, there remain but three methods that I can think ' on; whereof the wifdom of our anceftors, being highly ■ fenfible,has,to encourage all afpiring adventurers,thought ; fit to ered three v/ooden machines, for the ufe of thofe j ; orators who defire to talk much without interruption. i Thele are, pulpit, the ladder, and tho: fl age-itinerant. For, as to the bar, though it be compounded of the fame j ' matter, and defigned for the fame ufe, it cannot how- j ever be well allowed the honour of a fourth, by reafon \ of its level or inferior lltuation, expofing it to perpetual | interruption from collaterals. Neither can the it- ? felf, though raifed to a proper eminency, put in a better claim, whatever its advocates infift on. For if they pleafe to look into the original defgn of its eredion, and the clrcumftances or atljunds fubfervient to that defgn, they v/ill foon acknowlege the prefent pradice exadly cor- ' refpondent to the primitive infitution ; and both to an- j fwer the etymology of the name, which in the Phoenician i tongue is a word of great f gnification, importing, if li- f terally interpreted. The place of fleep ; but In common ac- ceptation, A feat well holfiered and cufi.doned for the repofe ^ efi old and gout); limbs i Senes lit in otia tut a recedant : For- \ tune being indebted to them this part of retaliation, that, I. %•,* f. SeO. L The InfrodttSrion, 5 1 as formerly, they have long talked^ whllH; others Jlept ; fo now they may Jleep as long, wliilft others talk. But if no other argument could occur to exclude the hench and the bar from the lift of oratorial machines, it were fuflicient, that the admiffion of them would over- throw a number which I was refolved to eftablKh, what- ever argument it might coft me; in Imitation of that prudent method obferved by many other philofophers and great clerks, whofe chief art in divifion has been to grow fond of fome proper myftical number, which their imaginations have rendered facred,to a degree, that they force common reafon to find room for it in every part of nature; reducing, including, and adjufting every ge- nus and fpecics within that compafs, by coupling fome againft their wills, and banifinng others at any rate. Kow, among all the reft, the profound number THREE is that which hath moft employed my fubllmeft fpecula- tlons, nor ever without wonderful delight. There is now in the prefs, (and will be publifiied next term), a pane- gyrical elfay of mine upon this number ; wherein I have, by moft convincing proofs, not only reduced the fenfes and the elements under its banner, but brought over fe- veral deferters from its two great rivals SEVEN and NINE. Kow' the firft of thefe oratorial machines In place as w^ell as dignity, is the pulpit, pulpits there are in this ifland feveral forts. But I efteem only that made of tim- ber from the fylva Caledonia^ which agrees very well with our climate. If it be upon its decay, it is the better, both for conveyance of found, and for other reafons to be mentioned by and by. The degree of perfedion in fhape atid fize, I take to confift in being extremely narrow, with little ornament, and beft of all without a cover; (for, by ancient rule, it ought to be the only uncovered veffel in every affembly where it is rightfully ufed): by G 2 52 A "Tale of a TUB. which means, from its near refembknee to a pillory, it will ever have a mighty influence on human ears, of ladders I need fay nothing. It is obferved by fo- reigners themselves, to the honour of our country, that we excel all nations in our practice and underftanding of this machine. The afeending orators do not only ob- lige their audience in the agreeable delivery, but the whole world in the early publication of their fpeeches ; which I look upon as the choiceft treafury of our Bri~ t'ijh eloquence ; and whereof I am informed, that worthy citizen and bookfeller, Mr John Dunton^ hath made a faithful and a painful colledlion, which he fliortly defigns to publifh in tw'^lve volumes in folio, illuftrated with copper-plates: A work highly ufeful and curious, and al- together worthy of fuch a hand ! The laft engine of orators is the flege Itinerant (a'), erefled with much fagacity,/?/;^ Jove pliivio, in triviis et qnadr'iviis Jh'). It is the great feminary of the two former : and its orators are fometimes preferred to the one, and fometimes to the other, in proportion to their deferv- ings; there being a flrid and perpetual intercourfe be- tween all three. From this accurate dedueftion it is manifefl:, that, for obtaining attention in public, there is of neceffity re- quired a fuperior pofition of place. But although this point be generally granted, yet the caufe is little agreed in; and it feems to me,that very few philofophers have fallen into a true, natural folution of this phaenomenon. The deepefl account, and the mofl fairly digefed of any I have yet met with, is this, That air being a heavy body, and therefore (according to the fyftem of Epicurus ;}:) conti- {a) Is the 772 ontehank's Jloge, vvhofe orators the author de- termines eitlu-r to the gallows or a conventicle. (o) In the open air, and in flreets where the greatef refort is. Luerct. lib. a.j Sea. I. The IntroduofloTi, 53 Dually defcending, mufl: needs be more To, when loaden and prefied down by words ; '-which are alfo bodies of much weight and gravity, as it is manifeft from thofe deep imprejftovs they make and leave upon us ; and there- fore mu(t be delivered from a due altitude, or elfe they will neither carry a good aim, nor fall down with a fuf- ficient force. Corpoream quoqiie ennn vocem con flare fatendnm ejl^ Et fomtuniy quoniam pojfunt impeller e fenfu^ (a), Lucr. lib. 4. And I am the readier to favour this conjcdlure, from a common obfervation, That, in the feveral aflemblies of thefe orators, nature itfelf hath inflrudled the hearers, to hand with their mouths open, and ereded parallel to the horizon, fo as they may be interfe6led by a per- pendicular line from the zenith to the centre of the earth. In which pofition, if the audience be well compadl, every one carries home a fhare, and little or nothing is loft. I confefs, there is fomething yet more refined in the contrivance and ftrudlure of our modern theatres. For, firft, the pit is funk below the ftage, with due regard to the inftitution above deduced ; that whatever ’weighty matter fhall be delivered thence, (whether It be lead or gold), may fall plum into the jaws of certain critics (as I think they are called) which ftand ready open to de- vour them. Then, the boxes are built round, and raifed to a level with the fccne, in deference to the ladies; be- caufe that large portion of wit, laid out in raifing prurien- ces and protuberances, is obferved to run much upon a line, and ever in a circle. The w'hining pafiions, and little ftarved conceits, are gently wafted up by their own extreme levity, to the middle region ; and there fix, and ((?) ’Tis certain then, that voice that thus can wound, is all mat tried ; body every found. 54 A Tale of a TUB, are frozen by the frigid underftandings of the inhabit- ants. Bombaft and buffoonry, by nature lofty and light, foar higheft of all; and would be loft in the roof, if the prudent architect had not with much forefight contrived for them a fourth place, called the tiuelve-penny-gallery ; and there planted a fuitable colony, who greedily inter- cept them in their paftage. Now, this phyfico-logical fcheme of oratorial recept- acles, or machines, contains a great myftery; being a type, a fign, an emblem, a fliadow, a fymbol, bearing analogy to the fpacious commonwealth of writers, and to thofe riiethods by which they muft exalt themfelves to a cer- tain eminency above the inferior world. By the pulpit are adumbrated the writings of our modern faints in Great Britaiuy as they have,fpiritualized and refined them from the drofs and grofthefs of fenfe and human rsafon. The m.alter, as we have faid, is of rotten wood ; and that upon two confiderations : becaufe it is the qua- lity of rotten wood, to give light in the dark: and, fe- condly, becaufe its cavities are full of worms ; which is a type with a pair of handles (^), having a refpedl to the two principal qualifications of the orator, and the two different fates attending upon his works. The ladder is an adequate fymbol of faBion, and of poetry; to both of which fo noble a number of authors are indebted for their fame. Of faBion (h) ; becaufe * ##*#***** ^ ******** in MS! * Of poetry ; becaufe its (5) The two principal qualifications of a Phanatic preacher are, his inward light, and his head full of maggotSi and the two different fates of his writings are, to be burnt, or worm- eaten f ’ {b) Here is pretended a defect in the manufeript; and this i ‘ Seel. I. The Introdu^iion, 55 I orators do perorare with a Tong; and becaufe climbing up by flow degrees, fate is fure to turn them off before 1 they can reach within many fteps of the top ; and be- I caufe it is a preferment attained by transferring of pro- priety, and a confounding of meum and tuum. Under the flage-itineranty are couched thofe produ- <5tions deflgned for the pleafure and delight of mortal 1 man, fuch as, Six-penny-worth of wit y Weflminfter drol-^ levies y Delightful talesy Compleat jeflerSy and the like : by which the writers of and for G RU B-S TREET have in thefe latter ages fo nobly triumphed over Time ; have clipped his wings, pared his nails, filed his teeth, turned back his hour-gla^s, blunted his feythe, and drawn the hobnails out of his flioes. It is under this clalTis 1 have prefumed to lift myprefent treatife, being juft come from having the honour conferred upon me, to be adopted a member of that illuftrious fraternity. Now, I am not unaware how the produ(fl:ions of the Grub-Jlreet brotherhood have of late years fallen under many prejudices; nor how it has been the perpetual employment of two junior ftart-up focieties, to ridicule them and their authors, as unworthy their eftabllflied ; poll; in the commonwealth of wit and learning. Their own confciences will eafily inform them, whom I mean. Nor has the world been fo negligent a looker-on, as not to obferve the continual efforts made by the focieties of . Grefam and of JVill’% {a), to edify a name and reputa- is very frequent with our author, either when he thinks he can- not fay any thing worth reading; or when he has no mind to enter on the fubjeft; or when it is a matter of little moment ; or perhaps to amufe his reader, (w'hereof he is frequently very fond); or, lalfty, with fome fatirical intention. (a) Jnil’s cojjce-honfe was formerly the place where the poets ufually met; v.'hich,. though it be yet frefh in memory, yet in forae years may be forgot, and want this cxplsnaiion. 56 ATakofaTUB. tioii upon the ruin of OURS. And this is yet a more feeling grief to us, upon the regards of tendernefs as well as of juftice, when we reflefl on their proceedings, not only as unjud, but as ungrateful, undutiful, and un- natural. For how can it be forgot by the world or them- felves, (to fay nothing of our own records, which are full and clear in the point), that they both are feminaries, not only of our planting but our watering too ? I am in- formed, our two rivalr have lately made an offer to en- ter into the lifts with united forces, and challenge ns to a comparifon of books, both as to weight and nimher. In return to which, with licence from our Prefident^ I humbly offer two anfwers. Firft, We fay, the propofal is li'ke that which Archimedes made upon a fmaller af- fair including an impoffibiiltyin thepraeftice: for where can they find fcales of capacity enough for the firft, or an arithmetician of capacity enough for the fecond ? Second- ly, We are ready to accept the challenge; but with this condition, that a third indifferent perfon be afligned, to whofe impartial judgment it fhall be left to decide,which fociety, each book, treatife or pamphlet, do moft pro- perly belong to. This point, God knows, is very far from being fixed at prefent. For we are ready to pro- duce a catalogue of fome thoufands, which in all com- mon juftice ought to be intitled to our fraternity, but, by the revolted and new-fangled writers, moftperfidioufly aferibed to the others. Upon all which, we think it very unbecoming our prudence, that the determination fhould be remitted to the authors themfelves ; when our adver- faries, by brigiiing and caballing, have caufed fo univer- fai a defe^ftion from us, that the greateft part of our fo- ciety hath already deferted to them, and our neareft friends hegin to ftand aloof, as if they were half-aftiamed to own us. This is the utraoft I am authorlfed to fay upon fo un- l*Vlz. About moving the earth.] Se£l. I. The IntrcduBhn. 57 grateful and melancholy a fubjedl ; becaufe we are ex- treme unwilling to inflame a controverfy, whofe conti- nuance may be fo fatal to the interefts of us all ; deflring , much rather that things be amicably compofed. And we fliall fo far advance on our fide, as to be ready to receive the two prodigals with open arms, whenever they fliali think fit to return from ih^i'chujks and their harlots ; which, I think, from the prefent courfe of their fludies they moft properly may be faid to be engaged in ; and, like an indulgent parent, continue to them our affedion and our bleffing. But the greatefi maim given to that general reception which the writings of our fociety have formerly received, next to the tranfitory Bate of ail fublunary things, hath been a fuperficial vein among many readers of the pre- lent age, who will by no means be perfuaded to- infpect beyond the furface and the rind of things. Whereas, mfdom is a fox, who, after long hunting, will at lafl: coll you the pains to dig out. It is a cheefe, which by how much the richer, has the thicker, the homelier, and the coarfer coat ; and whereof to a judicious palate, the mag- gots are the befl. It is a fack-pojfet, wherein the deeper you go, you will find it the fweeter. Wifdom is a W'hofe cackling we mufl; value and confider, becaufe it is attended with an egg. But, then, laflly, it is a nut^ which, unlefs you chufe with judgment, may cofl: you a tooth, and pay you with nothing but a nDorm. In confequence of thefe momentous truths, the Cruhaean fages have al- ways chofen to convey their precepts and their arts, fnut up within the vehicles of types and ftbles ; which hav- ing been perhaps more careful and curious in adorning than was altogether neceflary, it has fared with thefe ve- hicles, after the ufiial fate of coaches over-finely painted and gilt, that the tranfitory gazers have fo dazzled their [* Virtuofo experiments, and modern comedies ] H 58 ^ Tale of a TUB, eyes, and filled their imaginations with the outward ki- ftre, as neither to regard or confider the perfon or the parts of the owner within r A misfortune we undergo with fomewhat lefs reludancy, becaufe, it has been com- mon to us with PythagoraSy Aefopy Socratesy and other of our predecefTors. However, that neither the world nor ourfelves may any longer fuffer by fuch mifunderhandings, I have been prevailed on, after much opportunity from my friends, to travel in a compleat and laborious diifertation upon the prime produdions of our fociety; which, befides their beautiful externals for the gratification of fuperficial read- ers, have, darkly and deeply couched under them, the mofi: finifhed and refined fyilems of all fciences and arts; as I do not doubt to lay open by nntwifiing or unwind- ing, and either to draw up by exantlation, or difplay by incifion. Tliis great work was entered upon fome years ago, by one of our moll; eminent members. He began with the hiftory of Reynard the fox (^a); but neither lived to pubhfia his effay, nor to proceed farther in fo ufeful an attempt: which is very much to be lamented; becaufe tlie ciifcovery he made, and communicated with his ftiends, is now univerfally received. Nor do I think any of the learned will difpute that famous treatife to be a compleat body of civil knowlege, and the revelatioUy or rather the apocalypfe, of all {dsile- arc an a. But the pro- grefs I have made, is much greater; having already fi- nilhed my annotations upon feveral dozens : from fome of which I fhall impart a few hints to the candid reader, as far as will be necelTary to the conclufion at which I aim. (a) The authior teems here to be mihaken ; for I have feen a Latin edition of Reynard the fox above a hundred years old, which I take to be the original. For the reft, it has been thoug'it by many people to contain fome fatirical defign in it. Se£^. I. The hitroduBioa, 59 The firft piece T have handled is that odTom Thuvihy whofe author was a Pythagorean philofopher. This dark treatife contains the whole fchcme of the 7netenipJychoJiSy deducing the progrefs of the foul through all her ftages. The next is Dr. penned by JrtephhiSy an au- thor bonae notae^ and an adsptiis. He publilhed it in the nine hundreth eighty fourth year of his age f . This writer proceeds wholly by reincrudati-on, or in the via humida. And the marriage between Faiijfiis and HeleUy does mofl confpicuoufly dilucidate the fermenting of the male and female dragon. IVhittington and his cat is the work of that myfterious Rabbi y Jehiida Hannafi; containing a defence of the Ge~ mar a of the Jerufalem Mifna, and its juft preference to that of Babylon ; contrary to the vulgar opinion. The Hind and Panther : This is the mafter-picce of a famous writer now living intended for a compleat abftracft of ftxteen thoufand fchool-men from Scotus to Bellarmin. Tommy Potts : Another piece fuppofed by the fame hand, by way of fupplement to the former. The wife men of Goatham, cum appendice : This is a treatife of immenfe erudition; being the great original and fountain of thofe arguments, bandied about both in France and England y for a juft defence of the moderns learning and wit, againft the prefumption, the pride, and the ignorance of the ancients. This unknown authof hath fo exhaufted the fubje^l, that a penetrating reader will eafily difcover whatever hath been written fince upon that difpute, to be little more than repetition. An ab- ftract of this treatife hath been lately publiftied by a worthy member of our fociety (^), [f He lived a thoufand ] [f Vtz. In the year 1698.] (fl) This I Tuppofe to be underftood of Mr. W—tt--n\ dlf- courfo of anciciu and modern learning. H 2 6o A Talc of a TU B. Thefe notices may ferve to give the learned reader an idea as well as a tafte of what the whole work is likely to produce ; wherein I have now altogether circumfcrib- ed my thoughts and my ftudies ; and if I can bring it to a perfedion before I die, fhall reckon I have w-ell em- ployed the poor remains of an unfortunate life (^). This indeed is more than lean juftly exped from a quill worn to the pith in the fervice of the ftate, in pro’s and cons upon Pepifj plotsy and meaUtiihs (/^), and exclufion-billsy and pc^jjive obedience y and addrejfes of lives and fortunes; and prerogative y-;xn(li property y and liberty of confeie nee y2rci\ letters to a friend; from an underflanding and a con- fcience thread-bare and ragged with perpetual turning; from a head broken in a hundred places, by the malig- nants of the oppofte fadlions ; and from a body fpent with poxes ill cured, by trufing to bawds and furgeons ; v/ho (as it afterwards appeared) were profefTed enemies to me and the government, and revenged their party’s quarrel upon my nofe and (bins. Fourfeore and eleven pamphlets have I v/iitten under three reigns, and for the fervice of fx and thirty fadions. But, finding the Bate has no further occafion for me and my ink, I retire willingly to draw it out into fpeculations more becom- ing a philofopher ; having, to my unfpeakable comfort, paiTed a long life, with a confcience void of offence towards Gody and towards men. But to return : I am alTured from the reader’s can- dour, that the brief fpecimen I have given, will eafly clear all the reft of our fociety’s produtftions from an {o') Here the author feerns to perfonate VEJirnnge. Dryden, and fome others; who, after having pafTed their lives in vices, faffhon, and i'a'rhood, have the impudence to talk of merit, and iiinocence, and fufferings. (r) In King Charles 11. ’s time, there was an account of a Ereshyierian plot found in a tub, which then made much noife. Se. T. The IntroduSiloji. 6i afpcrfion grown, as it is naanireft, out of envy and igno- rance, That they are of little farther ufe or value to man- kind beyond the common entertainments of their wit and their ftyle ; for thefe I am fure have never yet been dif- puted by our keeneft adverfaries: in both which, as well as the more profound and myftical part, I have through- out this treatife clofely followed the moft applauded ori- ginals. And to render all compleat, I have with much thought and application of mind, fo ordered that the chief title prefixed to it, (I mean, that under which I defign it (hall pufs in the common converfations of court and town), is modelled exadly after the manner peculiar to cur fociety. ■ I confefs to have been fomewhat liberal in the bufi- nefs of titles *; having obferved the humour of multi- plying them to bear great vogue among certain writers, whom I exceedingly reverence. And indeed, it feems not unreafonable, that books, the children of the brain, (hould have the honour to be chriftened with variety of names, as well as other infants of quality. Our famous Dryden has ventured to proceed a point farther, endea- vouring to introduce alfo a multiplicity oH god-fathers f ; which is an improvement of much more advantage, upon a very obvious account. It is a pity this admirable invention has not been better cultivated, fo as to grow by this time into general imitation, when fuch an autho- rity ferves it for a precedent. Nor have my endeavours been wanting to fecond fo ufeful an example : but it feems, there is an unhappy expence ufually annexed to the call- ing of a god-father, which was clearly out of my head, as it is very reafonable to believe. Where the pinch lay, [* The title-page in the orignal was fo torn, that it was not pofTlble to recover feveral titles which the author hetc fpcaks of.] •{• See Virgil tranflated, etc. 62 A Tale ef a TUB, I cannot certainly affirm ; but having employed a world of thoughts and pains to fplit my treatife into forty fe- ^fions, and having intreated forty lords of my acquaint- ance, that they would do me the honour to ftand, they all made it matter of confcience, and fent me their ex- cufes. SECT. II. ONCE upon a time, there was a man who had three fons by one wife (j), and all at a birth; neither could the midwife tell certainly which was the eldeft. Their father died while they were young ; and upon his death- bed, calling the lads to him, fpoke thus. Sons, Becaufe I have purchafed no eftate, nor was born to any, I have long confidered of fome good legacies to bequeath you ; and at laid, with much care ‘‘ as well as expence, have provided each of you {here they are') a new coat (h). Now, you are to under- (land that thefe coats have two virtues contained in them. One is, that, with good wearing, they will laft you frefh and found as long as you live : the other is, that they will grow in the fame proportion with your bodies, lengthening and widening of therafelves, fo as to be always fit. Here, let me fee them on you before I die. So, very well ; pray, children, wear them clean, (rt) By thefe three Tons, Peter, Martin, zndjack; Popery, the Church of England, and our Protejiant Dijfenters, are dcfigned. ' TP. Wotton . (h) By his coats which he gave his Tons, the garments of the JfraeUtes. TP. Wotton. An error, with fubmiffion, of the learned commentator: for by the coats are meant the do£trine and faith of Chrtjiiamty, by the wifdom of the Divine Founder fitted to all times, places, and circumltances. Lamhin. Seft. II. A Tale of a TUB, 63 ‘‘ and brufii them often. You will find in my will (< 2 ) {here it h ) full inftrudions in every particular con- ‘‘ cerning the wearing and management of your coats ; ‘‘ wherein you muft be very exa6l,to avoid the penalties I have appointed for every tranfgreffion or negledl:, ‘‘ upon which your future fortunes will entirely depend. ‘‘ I have alfo commanded in my will, that you fhould live together in one houfe, like brethren and friends ; ‘‘ for then you will be fure to thrive, and not otherwife.” Here the ftory fays, this good father died, and the three fons went all together to feek their fortunes. I (hall not trouble you with recounting what adven- tures they met for the firfl: feven years, any farther than by taking notice, that they carefully obferved their fa- ther’s will, and kept their coats in very good order; that they travelled through feveral countries, encountered a reafonable quantity of giants, and flew certain dragons. Being now arrived at the proper age for producing themfelves, they came up to town, and fell in love with the ladies ; but efpecially three, who about that time were in chief reputation ; the Duchefs Argent y Ma- dame de Grands Titres, and the Countefs d'Orgueil On their firfl: appearance, our three adventurers met with a very bad reception; and foon with great fagacityguefs- ing out the reafon, they quickly began to improve in the good qualities of the town. They writ, and rallied, and rhymed, and fung,and faid, and faid nothing ; they drank, and fought, and whored, and flept, and fwore, and took fnuff; they went to new plays on the firfl night, haunted (a) The New Teflament. {b) Their miftrefles are, the Duchefs d' Argent, MadeynoifelU de Grands Titres, and the Countefs d'Orgueil, i. e. covetoujheis, anibitioH, and pride ; which were the three great vices that tlie ancient fathers inveighed againfl, as the firfi corruptions of Chriftianity. jy. JVotton, 64 A rale of a TUB, the chocolate houfes, beat the watch, lay on bulks, and got claps; they bilked hackney-coachmen, ran in debt with Ihopkeepers, and lay wiih their wives; they killed bailiffs, kicked fidlers down (fairs, ate at Lschet’s, loiter- ed at they talked of the drawing-room, and ne- ver came there; dined with Lords they never faw ; whif- pered a Duchefs, and fpoke never a word; expofed the fcrawlsof their laundrefs for billetdoux of quality ; came ever juft from court, and were never feen in it; attended the levee fub dio ; got a lift of peers by heart in one com- pany, and with great familiarity retaled them in another. Above all, they conftantly attended thofe committees of fcnators who are filent in the hoiife, and loud in the cof- fee-hoife ; where they nightly adjourn to chew the cud of politics, and are incompaifed w'ith a ring of difciples, who lie in wait to catch up their droppings. The three brothers had acquired forty other qualifications of the like ftamp, too tedious to recount ; and by confequence, were juftly reckoned the moft accompllflied perfons in the town. But all would not fuffice, and the ladies afore- faid continued ftill indexible. To clear up which difh- culty, I muft, with the reader’s good leave and patience, have recourfe to fome points of weight, which the au- thors of that age have not fufficienily illuftrated. For about this time it happened, a fe6t arofe whofe tenents obtained and fpread very far, efpecially in the grand moude,CinA among every body of good fafliion (r/). They worfhipped a fort of idol {b), who, as their do- ctrine delivered, did daily create men, by a kind of ma- iiufadury operation. This idol they placed in the higheft parts of the houfe, on an altar ereded about three foot. He was fliewn in the pofture of a Perjian emperor, fit- (rt) This is an occafional fatire upon drefs and fafliion, in order to introduce what follows, {h) By this idol is meant a taylor; ting Sea. II. A Tale of a TUB, 65 ting on a ftperficies his legs interwoven under him. This god had zgoofe for his enfign ; whence it is, that fome learned men pretend to deduce his original from Jupiter Capitoliniis. At his left hand, beneath the altar, hell feemed to open, and catch at the animals the idol was creating: to prevent which, certain of his priefis hourly flung in pieces of the uninformed mafs or fub- ftance, and fometimes whole limbs already enlivened ; which that horrid gulph infatiably fwallowed, terrible to behold. Tht goofe was alfo held a fubaltcrn divinity, or dens viinonun Pentium ; before whofe fhrine was facriflced o that creature, whofe hourly food is human gore, and who is in fo great renown abroad, for being the delight and favourite of the ALgyptian Cercopithecus {a). iMillions I of thefe animals were cruelly flaughtered every day, to appeafe the hunger of that cOnfuming deity. The chief idol was alfo worfiiipped as the inventor of th^yard and !the needle; whether as the god of feamen, or on account ,of certain other myilical attributes, hath not been fufli- Icientiy cleared. The worfliippers of this deity had alfo a fyflem of itheir belief, which feemed to turn upon the following Ifundamental. They held the univerfe to be a large fiut ■of cloathsy which invejls every thing: That the earth is invefled by the air ; the air is invefled by the ftars ; and Jthe ftars are invejled by the prmum mobile. Look on this globe of earth, you will find it to be a very compleat and fafliionable drefs. What is that which fome call landy but a fine coat faced with green ? or the feOy but a waift- coat of v/ater-t'abby ^ Proceed to the particular works of the creation, you will find how curious journeyman Nature hath been, to trim up the vegetable beaux; ob- ‘ {a) The Egyptians \voxiK\Tp^zi Oi monkey; which animal is Very fond of eating lice, Itylcd here creatures that feed on ournan gore. I 66 A Tale of a TUB, ferve how fparkifh a periwig adorns the head of a heechy and what a fine doublet of white fattin is worn by the birch. To conclude from all, what is man himfelf, but a micro-coat (-r;); or rather a compleat fuit of cloaths, with all its trimmings ? As to his body, there can be no difpute. But examine even the acquirements of his mind, you will find them all contribute in their order, towards furnifhing out an exai embroidery with Indian figures of men, women and children f'). Here they had no occafion to examine the v/ill. They remembered but too well, how their fa- ther had always abhorred this falhion ; that he made fe- veral paragraphs on purpofe, importing his utter detefla- tion of it, and beftowing his everlafting curfe to his fons, whenever they fliould wear it. For all this, in a few days, they appeared higher in the fafhion than any body clfe in the town. But they folved the matter, by faying, {a) The Images of faints, theblelTed virgin, and our Saviour an infant. Ibid. Images in the church of Rome give him but too fair a handle, The brothers remembered, etc. The allegory here is di- rect. W. JFotlon, Sea. II. A Tale of a TUB, ‘ 75 that thefe figures were not at all the fame with thofe that were formerly worn, and were meant in the will. Be- fides, they did not wear them in that fenfe as forbidden by their father; but as they were a commendable cufiom, and of great ufe to the public. That thefe rigorous claufes in the will did therefore require fome allowance, and a favourable interpretation, and ought to be irnderfiood cum grano falls. But faililons perpetually altering in that age, the fcholallic brother grew weary of fearching farther eva- fions, and folving everlafting contradidlions. Rcfolv- ed therefore, at all hazards, to comply with the modes of the world, they concerted matters together, and agreed unanimoufiy, to lock up their father’s will in a frong box (4'), brought out Greece or Italy, I have forgot which; and trouble themfelves no farther to' examine it, but only refer to its authority whenever they thought fit. In con- fequcnce whereof, a while after, it grew a general mode, to wear an infinite number oi points, mofl: of them tagged with fiber. Upon which, the fcholar pronounced ex ca- thedra (J>'), that points were abfolutely jure paterno as they might very well remember. It is true indeed, the ( a) The Papifts formerly forbade the people the ufe of feri- pture in a vulgar tongue; Peter therefore kcks itp his father’s 'will in a Jlrong box, brought out of Greece or Italy. Thole coun- tries are named, becaufe the Kfew Tef ament is written in Greek ; and the vulgar Latin, w'hich is the authentic edition of the Bible in the church of Rome,\s in the language of old Italy. IF. Wefton. (3) The Popes, in their decretals and bulls, have given their fanclion to very many gainful dodrines, which are now recei- ved in the church of Rome, that are not mentioned in feripture, and are unknown to the primitive church. Peter accordingly pronounces ex cathedra. That points tagged with fiver were ab- fslutely ]ure paterno; and fo they wore them in great numbers. W. muon. K 2 76 ATaleofaTUB. faflilon prefcribed fomewhat more than were dired that th bread is the real and entire body of Chrtjl. (c) TranfuhJldKtiaiion. Peter turns his bread into mutton, and, according to the Poplfii doctrine of concomitants, his wine too; which, in his way, he calls, pdnnr.ghli damned cru^s the bro- thers for mutt:::. SV. Wotton. <6 erq p6 A Tale of a TUB. At which word, in much ceremony, with fork and knife, he carves out two good dices of a loaf, and prefents each on a plate to his brothers. The elder of the two, not fuddenly entering into Lord Peter's conceit, began with very civil language to examine the myftery. “ My Lord, faid be, I doubt with great fubmilTion, there may be fome miftake.” Peter, you are pleafant; come then, let us hear this jeft your head is fo big with.” Konc in the world, my Lord ; but unlefs I am very much deceived, your Lordlhip was plcafcd a while ago, to let fall a word about mutton, and I would be glad to fee it with all my heart,” How, f aid Peter, appearing in great furprife, I do not com- prehend this at all.” — Upon which the younger in- terpofing to fet thebufinefs aright, My LoxA,faid he, my brother I fuppofe is hungry, and longs for the mutton your Lordlhip hath promifed us to dinner.” “ Pray,y^/V Peter, take me along with you. Either you are both mad, or difpofed to be merrier than I approve of. you there do not like your piece, I will carve you another, though I fiiould takethat to be the choice bit of the whole fhoulder.” What then, my Lord, re- plied the firjl, it feems this Is a Ihoulder of mutton all this while.” Pray, Sir, Peter, eat your vifluals, and leave off your impertinence, if you pleafe ; for I am not difpofed to relifli it at prefent.” But the other could not forbear, being over-provoked at the affeded lerioufnefs of Peter's countenance. By G — , my Lord, faid he, I can only fay, that to my eyes, and fingers, ‘‘ and teeth, and nofe, it feems to be nothing but a cruft of bread.” Upon which the fecond put in his word: I never faw a piece of mutton in my life, fo nearly refembling a (lice from a twelve-penny loaf.” Look ye, Gentlemen, cries Peter in a rage, to convince you, what a couple of blind, pofitive, ignorant, wilful pup- pies you are, I will ufe but this plain argument: By G-, Sea. IV. A Tale of a TUB. 97 G — , it is true, good, natural mutton as any in “ Leaden-hall market ; and G — confound you both eternal!}^, if you offer to believe otherwife.” Such a thundering proof as this, left no further room for obje- aion. The tv/o unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their miftake as haltily as they could. “ Why, truly, faid the firfl, upon more mature conlidcration” — Ay, fays the otheiy interrupting him, now I have thought better on the thing, your Lorddiip feems to have a great deal of reafon.” Very wdX, faid Peter. Here, boy, fill me a beer-glafs of claret ; here’s to you both with all my heart.” The two brethren, much delight- ed to fee him fo readily appeafed, returned their mod: humble thanks, and faid they would be glad to pledge his Lordfhip. That you fhaIl,y^'V Peter. I am not ‘‘ a perfon to refufe you any thing that is reafonable. Wine moderately taken, is a cordial. Here is a glafs a-piece for you : it is true natural juice from the grape, r none of your damned vintners brewings.” Having [fpoke thus, he prefented to each of them another large dry cruft, bidding them drink it off, and not be baftiful ; for it would do them no hurt. The two brothers, after ■laving performed the ufual office, in fuch delicate con- undlures, of ftaring a fufficient period at Lord Peter j ind each other ; and finding how matters were like to 50, refolved not to enter on a new difpute, but let him :arry the point as he pleafed : for he was now got into me of his mad fits; and to argue or expoftulate further, voLild only ferve to render him a hundred times more mtradtable. I have cholen to relate this worthy matter in all its ircumftances ; becaufe it gave a principal occafion to lat great and famous rupture (<2), which happened about le fame time among theie brethren, and was never af- (fl) By tills ruttufe Is njeant the refonuatloa. N 98 A Tale of a TUB, terwards made up. But of that I (hall treat at large in another fedion. However, it is certain, that Lord Peter ^ even in his lucid intervals, was very lewdly given in his common converfatlon, extreme wilful and pofitive ; and would at any time rather argue to the death, than allow himfelf to be once in an error. Befides, he had an abominable faculty of telling huge palpable lies upon all occafions ; and fwearing not only to the truth, but curling the whole company to hell, if they pretended to make the leaft fcruple of believing him. One time he fwore he had a cow at home, which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thoufand churches; and what was yet more extraordinary, would never turn four (^d). Another time he was telling of an old fign-pofl {b') that belonged to his father, with, nails and timber enough on it to build fixteen large men of war. Talking one day of Chinefe waggons, which were made fo light as to fail over moun- tains : Z — dsyfaid Peter, where’s the wonder of that ? By G — , I faw a large houfe of lime and ftone travel over fea and land (granting that it flopped fometimes to bait) above two thoufand German leagues (e).’* {a) The ridiculous mukiplying of the virgin M.ary's viilk among the Papifts, under the allegory of a cow, which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thoufand churches. JV. iVotton. {h) By this Jig n-pojt is meant the crofs of our bleflcd Saviour. (c) The chapel of Loretto, He Pills here only upon the ridiculous inventions of Popery. The church of Rome intended by thefe things to gull hlly, fupcrflitious people, and rook them of their money. The world had been too long in flavery, but our ancellors gldrioufly redeemed us from that yoke. The church of Rome therefore ought to be expofed, and he deferves well of mankind that docs expofe it. JV . Jl'otton. Hid. The chapel of Loretto, which travelled from the Ho- h-'.aiid to Italy. Sea. IV. A Tate of a TUB. 99 And that which was the good of it, he would fwear de- fperately all the while, that he never told a lie in his life ; and at every word, By G — , Gentlemen, I tell you “ nothing but the truth ; and the d~l broil them eter- nally that will not believe me.” In Ihort, Peter grew fo fcandalous, that all the neigh- bourhood began in plain words to fay, he was no better than a knave. And his two brothers, long weary of his ill ufage, refolved at laft to leave him. But lirft they humbly defired a copy of their father’s will, which had now lain by negledled time out of mind. Infead of granting this requeft, he called them damned fans of whores, rogues, traitors, and the reft of the vile names he could mufter up. However, while he was abroad one day upon his projeds, the two youngfters watched their opportunity, made a fhift to come at the will, and took a copia vera {d) ; by which they prefently faw how grofs- ly they had been abufed; their father having left them equal heirs, and ftridtly commanded, that whatever they got, fhould lie in common am.ong them all. Purfuant to which, their next enterprize was, to break open the cellar-door, and get a little good drink, to fpirit and com- fort their hearts {b). In copying the will, they had met another precept againft whoring, divorce, and feparate maintenance : upon which their next work was, to dif- card their concubines, and fend for their wives (c). Whilft all this was in agitation, there enters a folicitor from Newgate, defiring Lord Peter would pleafe to pro- cure a for a thief that was to be to-morrow. But the two brothers told him, he w^as a coxcomb to feek pardons from a fellow who deferved to be hanged much better than his client ; and difeovered all the me- {n) Tranflated the feriptures into the vulgar tongues. {h) Adminiftred the cup to the laity at the communion. (.') Allowed the marriages of prietts. N 2 100 A Tale of a TUB, thod of that impofture, in the fame form I delivered it a while ago ; advifing the folicitor to put his friend upon obtaining a pardon from the King («). In the midft of all this clutter and revolution, in comes Peter with a hie of dragoons at his heels ; and gathering from all bands what was in the wind, he and his gang, after fe- veral millions of fcurrilities and curfes, not very import- ant here to repeat, by main force very fairly kicks them both out of doors (c), and would never let them come under his roof from that day to this. SECT. V. A digrejjion in the modern kind, W E whom the world is pleafed to honour with the tills of modern authors^ fhould never have been able to compafs our great defign of an everlafting remembrance, and never-dying fame, if our endeavours had not been i'o liighly ferviceable to the general good of mankind. This, O Univerfe! is the adventurous attempt of me thy fccretary., ^enwis perferre lahorem Siiadet, et indiicit nodies vigilare ferenas. To this end, I have fome time lince, with a world of (r?) Direfted penitents not to trufl: to pardons and abfolu- tions procured for money; but Tent them to implore the mer- cy oh God, from whence alone remidion is to be obtained. {]}') By Peters dragoons, h meant the civil power, which thofe princes who were bigotted to the Romifo fuperftition, employed againfi: the Reformers. fr) 1 he Pope (huts all who diflent from him out of the church. 7 ^ T.Srtti 'M. Scu^ iiifltiinni ''tiiinl r "' j- - -m . ■ Sect. V , A digrejjion in the modern kind. i o i pains and art, difTccfled the carcafe of human nature, and read many ufefld ledlures upon the fevcral parts, both containing and contained; till at laft it fmelt fo ftrong, I could prelcrve it no longer. Upon which I have been at a great expence to fit up all the bones with exacft con- texture, and in due fymmetry ; fo that I am ready to fnew a very compleat anatomy thereof to all curious gentlemen and others. But not to digrefs farther in the midfl; of a dlgrelfion, as I have known fome authors in- clofe digrefiions in one another, like a neft of boxes; I do affirm, that, having carefully cut ,up human nature, 1 have found a very flrange, new, and important difeove- ry ; that the public good of mankind is performed by two ways, inJlrtiBion and diverfion. And 1 have farther proved in my faid feveral readings, (which perhaps the world may one day fee, if I can prevail on any friend to (leal a copy, or on certain gentlemen of my admirers, to be very importunate), that, as mankind is now difpofed, he receives much greater advantage bybeing^/fo-jT/er/than inflruHed; his epidemical difeafes htmg fajlidiofity, amor- fhy, and ofeitation; whereas in the prefent univerfal em- pire of wit and learning, there leems but little matter left for injlruclion. However, in compliance with a leffon of ; great age and authority, I have attempted carrying the point in all its heights ; and accordingly throughout this divine treatife, have skilfully kneaded up both together with a layer of utile, and a layer of dulce. AVhen I confider how exceedingly our illufirious mo- derns have eclipfed the weak glimmering lights of the ancients^ and turned them out of the road of all fafhion- able commerce, to a degree, that our choice town-wits(<7),, ( a) The learned perfon here meant by our author, hath been endeavouring to annihilate To many ancient writers, that, \3ntil he is pleafed to ftop his hand, it will be dangerous to af-' firm, whether there have been any ancients in the world. 102 JTaleofaTUB, of moft refined accomplifhments, are in grave difpute, whether there have been ever any ancients or no; in which point we are like to receive wonderful fatisfadion from the moll ufeful labours and lucubrations of that worthy modern, Dr. B — t!ey: I lay, when I conlider all this, I cannot but bewail, that no famous modern hath ever yet attempted an univerfal fyllem in a Imall portable volume, of all things that are to be known, or believed, or imagined, or, pradifed in life. I am however forced to acknowlege, that fiich an enterprize was thought on Ibme time ago by a great philofopher of 0, Brazil ( (<7) A treatife written about fifty yeass ago by a if’clch Gen- tieman of Camhridge. His name, as I remember was Vuugojr., 1 as appears by the anfiver to it, writ by the Itarned Dr. Hsi.tk M ore. It is a piece of the moft unintelligible f'lutian that ptr- ] haps w as ever publilhed in any language. 104 A Tale of a TUB, lead diredlion about the ftrudture of that ureful inftru- iTient, Vifave-all. F or want of which, if the moderns had not lent their affiftance, we might yet have wandered in the dark. But I have ftill behind a fault far more notorious to tax this author with ; I mean, his grofs ignorance in the common laivs of this realm, and in the doctrine as well as difcipline of the church oi England (aj: A defeft in- deed, for which both he and all the ancients Band mod judly cenfured by my worthy and ingenious friend Mr. IE — tt — Bachelor of Divinity, in his incomparable treatife of ancient and modern learning; a book never to be fufficiently valued, whether we confider the happy turns and flowings of the author’s wit, the great ufeful- nefs of his fublime difeoveries upon the fubjecd of flies and fpiltlc, or the laborious eloquence of his dyle. And I cannot forbear doing chat author the jufticeof my pub- lic acknowlegements,for the great helps avA liftings I had out of his incomparable piece, while I was penning this treatife. But, befides thefe oralfTions in Homer already mention- ed, the curious reader will alfo obferve leveral defects in that author’s writings, for which he is not altogether fb accountable. For whereas every branch of knowlege has received fuch wonderful acquirements fnce his age, ef- peciaily within thefe lad three years, or thereabouts; it is almod impoflible, he could be fo very perfedt in mo- dern difeoveries as his advocates pretend. We freely acknowlege him to be the inventor of the compafs, of gunpowder, and the circulation of the blood. But I chal- lenge any of his admirers, to fiiew me in all his writings a compleat account of the fplcen. Does he not alfo leave [a) Mr. Tf'-tt-n, (to whom our author never gives any quar- ter), in his comparifon of ancient and modern learning, niii'n- bers, divinity, law, etc. among thofe parts of knowlege where- in we excel the ancients. Sect. V. A digrejjlon in the modern kind. 105 us wholly to leek io the art of political wagering? What can be more dcfeflive and unfatisfadory than his long dilTertation upon tea? And as to his method q? fali'vation without mercury y fo much celebrated of late, it is to my own knowlege and experience, a thing very little to be relied on. It was to fupply fuch momentous defefls, that I have been prevailed on, after long folicitation, to take pen in hand; and I dare venture to promife, tl>e judicious reader fhall find nothing negleded here, that can be of ufe upon any emergency of li'fe. I am confident to have included and 'exhaufted all that human imagination can rife or fall to. Particularly, I recommend to the perufal of the learned, certain difeoveries that are wholly un- touched by others ; whereof I fliall only mention among a great many more. My new help of fnatterers ; or. The art of heiig deep-learnedy and fhallow-read ; — -A curious invention about nionfe-traps ; — An tiniverfil rule of reafon ; ci'y Every man his own carver ; together with a moil ufe- ful engine for catching of owls. All which the judicious reader will find largely treated on in the feveral parts of this difeourfe. I hold myfelf obliged to give as much light as Is pof- lible, into the beauties and excellencies of what I am writing ; becaufe it is become the falhion and humour 'moft applauded among the firfl authors of this polite and [learned age, v.'hen they would correct the ill-nature of critical, or inform the ignorance of courteous readers. Befides, there have been feveral famous pieces lately pub- li{hed,both in verfe and profe, wherein, if the writers had not been pleafed, out of their great humanity and afle- (Ttion to the public, to give us a nice detgjl of the fub- lirne and the admirable they contain, it is a thoufand to one, whether we fiiould ever have difeovered one grain of either. For my own particular, I cannot deny, that whatever I have laid upon this occafion, had been more O ia6 J Tale of a TUB, proper in a preface, and more agreeable to the mode, which ufuaily direds it there. But I here think fit to lay hold on that great and honourable privilege of be- ing the lafl luriter ; I claim an abfolute authority in right, as the frejhefl modern^ which gives me a defpotic power over all authors before me. In the ftrength of which title, I do utterly difapprove and declare againfi: that per- nicious cufiom, of making the preface a bill of fare to the book. For I have always looked upon it as a high point of indifcretion in monfler-mongersj and other re- talers of fir ange fightSy to hang out a fair large pidure over the door, drawn after the life, with a moft eloquent defcriplion underneath. This hath faved me many a three-pence ; for my curiofity was fully fatisfied, and I never offered to go in, though often invited by the ur- ging and attending orator, with his lafi: moving and fland- ing piece of rhetoric, Sir, upon my word, we are jufl: going to begin.” Such is exadly the fate, at this time, of Prefaces^ Epljlles, AdvertifementSy Introduciions, Pro- legomena’s, Apparatus's, 'To the Readers, This expedient was admirable at firft. Our great Dryden has long car- ried it as far as it would go, and with incredible fnccefs. He hath often faid to me in confidence, that the world would have never fufpcded him to be- fo great a poet, if he had not affured them fo frequently in his pre- faces, that it was impoflible they could either doubt or forget it. Perhaps it may be fo : how'cver, I much fear, his inftrudions have edified out of their place, and taught men to grow wifer in certain points, where he never intended they fiiould : for it is lamentable to be- hold with what a lazy fcorn many of the yawming read- ers In our age do now-a-days twirl over forty or fifty pages of preface and dedication, (which is the ufual mo- dern flint), as if it were fo much Latin. Though it mufi: be alfo allowed, on the other hand, that a very confi- derable number is known to proceed critics and wits, Sect. VI. A Tale of a TUB, 107 by reading nothing elfe. Into which two fadlions, I think, all prefent readers may juflly be divided. Now, for myfclf, I profefs to be of the former fort: and therefore having the modern inclination to expatiate upon the beauty of my own produdlons, and difplay the bright parts of my difcourfe, I thought beft to do it in the body of the work ; where, as it now lies, it makes a very confiderable addition to the bulk of the volume ; a circumjlance by no means to be negledied by a skilful 'writer. Having thus paid my due deference and acknowlege- ment to an eftablilhed cuftora of our neweft authors, by a long digrejfion unfought for, and an univerfal cenfure un- provoked ; by forcing into the light, with much pains and dexterity, my own excellencies, and other mens de- faults, with great juftice to myfelfjand candour to them ; I now happily refume my fubjeft, to the infinite fatis^ fadion both of the reader and the author. SECT. VI. A Tale of a TUB, W E left Lord Peter in open rupture with his two brethren ; both for ever difcarded from his houfe, and refigned to the wide world, with little or nothing to truft to. Which are circumftances that render them proper fubjedls for the charity of a writer’s pen to work on; fcenes of mifery ever affording the faireft harveft for great adventures. And in this the world may perceive the difference between the integrity of a generous au- thor, and that of a common friend. The latter is ob- ferved to adhere clofe in profperity, but, on the decline of fortune, to drop fuddenly off: whereas the generous author, jufton the contrary, finds his hero on the dung- hill, from thence by gradual fteps raifcs him to a throne, O 2* ! o 3 AraleofaTUB, and then immediately withdraws, expeding not fo much as thanks for his pains. In imitation of which example, I have placed Lord Peter in a noble houfe, given him a title to wear, and money to fpend. There I {ball leave him for fome time ; returning where common charity di- re6ts me, to the affiftance of his two brothers, at their lowed ebb. However, I fhall by no means forget my charader of an hidorian, to follow the truth, dep by dep, whatever happens, or where-ever it may lead me. The two exiles, fo nearly united in fortune and in- tered, took a lodging together; where, at their £ird lei- fure,they began to refled on the numberlefs misfortunes and vexations of their life pad; and could not tell, on the ludden, to what failure in their condud they ought to impute them ; when, after fomc recolledion, they call ed to mind the copy of their father’s will, which they had fo happily recovered. This was immediately produced, and a Arm refolution taken between them, to alter what- ever was already amifs, and reduce all their future mea- lurcs to the drided obedience preferibed therein. The main body ot the will (as the reader cannot eafily have forgot) confided in certain admirable rules about the wearing of their coats : in the perufal whereof, the two brothers at every period, duly comparing the dodrine with the pradicc, there was never feen a wider diflerence between two things ; horrible, downright tranfgrefTions of every point. Upon which they both rcfolved, with- out farther delay, to fall immediately upon reducing the whole exadly after their father’s model. But here it is good to dop the hady reader, ever im- patient to fee the end of an adventure, before we writers can duly prepare him for it. I am to record, that thefe two brothers began to be didinguifhed at this time, by certain names. One of them defired to be called M A IVT I N (^d), and the other took the appellation (rf) Martin Luther. Sea. VI. A rale of a TUB. i og of JACK (j). Thefe two had lived in much friend- fhip and agreement, under the tyranny of their brother Peter ; as it is the talent of fellow -fufFerers to do; men . ill misfortune being like men in the dark, to whom all colours are the fame. But when they came forward into the world, and began to difplay themfelves to each other, and to the light, their complexions appeared ex-' tremely different; which the prcfent poflure of their af- fairs gave them fudden opportunity to difcover. But here the fevere reader may] ufily tax me as a writer of fliort memory ; a deficiency to v/hich a true modern , cannot but of neceffity be a little fubjedl ; becaufe memory ^ being an employment of the mind upon things paft, is a faculty, for v/hich the learned in our illoftrious age have no manner of occafion, who deal entirely with invention, and flrike all things out of themfelves, or at leaft by col- ' lifion, from each other : upon which account, we think it highly reafonable to produce our great forgetfulnefs, I as an argument unanfwerable for our great wit. I ought, in method, to have informed the reader about fifty pages ago, of a fancy Lord Peter took, and infufed into his ‘ brothers, to wear on their coats whatever trimmings came up in fafhion ; never pulling off any as they went out of the mode, but keeping on all together; which amounted in time to a medley, the mold antic you can poffibly con- ceive ; and this to a degree, that upon the time of their falling out, there was hardly a thread of the original coat to be feen, but an infinite quantity of lece and ribbands^ fringe, and embroidery, and points ; (l mean, only thofe fi^gged with fiber (Jd), for the reft fell off.) Now, this material circumftance having been forgot in due (5) John Calvin. (i) Points tagged with filver, are thofe do£>r!nes that pro- mote the greatnefs and wealth of the church ; wliick have beca therefore woven deepeld in the body of Popery. no A Tale of a TUB. place, as good fortune hath ordered, comes in very properly here, when the two brothers are juft going to reform their veftures into the primitive ftate, prefcribed by their father’s will. They both unanimoufly entered upon this great work, looking fometimes on their coats, and fometimes on the will. Martin laid the firft hand ; at one twitch brought offa large handful ; and with a fecond pull, ftript away ten dozen yards of fringe. But when he had gone thus far, he demurred a while. He knew very well, there yet remained a great deal more to be done. However, the firft heat being over, his violence began to cool, and he refolved to proceed more moderately in the reft of the work ; having already very narrowly efcaped a fv/ing- ing rent in pulling off the points y which, being tagged with fiber y (as we have obferved before), the judicious work- man had with much fagacity double fewn, to preferve them from falling. Refolving therefore to rid his coat of a huge quantity gold lace, he picked up the ftitches with much caution, and diligently gleaned out all the loofe threads as he went ; which proved to be a work of time. Then he fell about the embroidered Indian fi- gures of men, women, and children ; againft which, as you have heard in its due place, their father’s teftament was extremely exadl: and fevere: thefe, with much dexte- rity and application, were, after a while, quite eradicated, or utterly defaced. For the reft, where he obferved the embroidery to be worked fo clofe, as not to be got away without damaging the cloth, or where it ferved to hide or ftrengthen any flaw in the body of the coat, contra- (fted by the perpetual tampering of workmen upon it ; he concluded the wifeft courfe was, to let it remain ; re- folving in no cafe whatfoever, that the fubftance of the fluff fhould fuffcr injury; which he thought the beft me- thod for ferving the true intent and meaning of his fa- ther’s will. And this is the neareft account I have been T Smi/Zi Scu^ fm m- 'i '.■ m ■1 ‘H . : •- 1 til Se£l. VI. A Tale of a TU B, able to collect of Martinis proceedings upon this great revolution. But his brother Jacky whofe adventures will be fb ex- traordinary, as to furnifh a great part in the remainder of this difcourfe, entered upon the matter with other thoughts, and a quite different fpirit. For the memory of Lord Peter's injuries produced a degree of hatred and fpite, which had a much greater fhare of inciting him, than any regards after his father’s commands; fince thefe appeared at beft only fecondary and fubfervient to the other. However, for this medley of humour, he made a fhift to find a very plaufible name, honouring it with the title of zeal; which is perhaps the mod: fignificant word that hath been ever yet produced in any language; as, I think, I have fully proved in my excellent analytic cal difcourfe upon that fubjedf ; wherein I have deduced a hiflori-tho-phyf -logical account of zeal, fhewing how it firfl proceeded from a notion into a word, and from thence, in a hot fummer, ripened into a tangiblefuh fiance. This work, containing three large volumes in folio, I defign very fiiortly to publifii by the modern way o^ fub~ .fcription; not doubting but the Nobility and Gentry of the land will give me all poffible encouragement, hav- ing had already fuch a tafte of what I am able to perform. I record therefore, that brother Jack, brimful of this miraculous compound, refledling with indignation upon Peter's tyranny, and farther provoked by the defpon- dency of Martin, prefaced his refolutions to this pur- pofe. “ What,y2//^.y^/&lf6gue that locked up his drink, turned away'ouf “i^ves, cheated us of our fortunes, palmed his damned crufts upon us for mutton, and at laft kicked us out of doors ; muft we be in his faftiions with a pox ! a rafcal, befides, that all the ftreet cries out againft.” Having thus kindled and inflamed him- felf as high as poffible, and by confequcnce in a delicate m J Tale of a TUB. temper for beginning a reformation, he fet about the work immediately, and in three minutes made more dif- patch than Martin had done in as many hours. For, courteous reader, you are given to underhand, that zeal is never fo highly obliged, as when you fet it a tearing ; and Jack^ who doated on that quality in himfelf, allowed it at this time its full fwing. Thus it happened that [trip- ping down a parcel of gold-lace^ a little too haftily, he rent the main body of his coat^ from top to bottom ; and whereas his talent was not of the happieft in taking up a Jlitchy he knew no better way, than to dern it again with packthread and a fneiver. But the matter was yet iniinltely worfe (I record it with tears) w'hen he pro- ceeded to the embroidery: for, being ciumfy by nature, and of temper impatient; withal beholding millions of hitches, that required the niceh; hand, and fedatefl; con- h:Itution,to extricate; in a great rage he tore oif the whole piece, cloth and ali,and flung it into the kennel; and fu- rioLifly thus continuing his carreer, Ah, good brother Martin f aid he, do as I do, for the love of God ; hrip, tear, pull, rent, flay off all, that vto. may appear as un- like that rogue Peter as it is polTible. I would not for an hundred pounds carry the lead: mark about me, that might give occafion to the neighbours, of fufped:ing I was related to fuch a rafcal.” But Martin, who at this time happened to be extremely flegmatic and fedate, begged his brother of ail love, not to damage his coat by any means; for he never would get fuch another : “ defined him to ccnfider, that it was not their bufinefs to form their aGions by any refledllon upon PetePs, but by obferving the rules preferibed in their father’s will ; that he fhould remember Peter was fliil their brother, whatever faults or injuries he had committed; and therefore they fiiould by all means avoid fuch a thought, as that of taking meafures for good and evil, from no other rule than of oppofuion to him : that it Seft. Vf. A Tale of a TU B. 1 1 3 was true the teftament of their good father was very ** exact in what related to the wearing of their coais ; yet was it no lefs penal and ftridt in prtferibing agree- “ rnent,and frienddiip, and affedion between them; and ‘‘ therefore, if (training a point were at all difpenfable, “ it would certainly be fo, rather to the advance of unity, than increafe of contradiv5tion.” Mdrii?i hid (till proceeded as gravely as he began ; and doubtlefs w'ould have delivered an admirable lecture of morality, which might have exceedingly contributed to my reader’s repof both, of body and mind, (the true ul- timate end of ethics') ; but Jack was already gone a (light- fhot beyond his patience. And as, in fcholaftic difputes, nothing ferves to roufe the fpleen of him that oppofes, fo much as a kind of pedantic a(Fe6ted calmnefs in the rf- fpondent ; ’disputants being for the mo(t part like unequal I fcales, where the gravity of one (ide advances the light- nfs of the other, and caules it to fly up, and kick the : beam : fo it happened here, that the weight of Martin's arguments exalted Jilck's levity, and made him fly ontand fpurn againft his brother’s moderation. In (hort, Martins \patience put Jack in a rage. But that which moft afBi- ^led him, was, to obferve his brother’s coat fo well re*» duced into the ftate of innocence; w'hile his own was either wholly rent to his fliirt; or thofe places, which hadefcaped his cruel clutches, were ftill in livery ; fo that he looked like a drunken beau, half ritlied by bnl^ lies : or like a ‘refli tenant of Newgate, when he has re- fufed the payment oi garni fa ; or like a difeovered fhop~ lifter, left to the ViiQXC'^ exchange-women ; or like a bawd in her oid velvet petticoat, reflgned into the fecu- iar hands of the mobile. Like any, or like all of thefe, a medley of rags and lacs, and rents ViX\d fringes, nri- fortunate Jack did now appear. He would have been extremely glad to fee his coat in the condition' of Mar- tirrs, btit inlinltely gladder to And that of Martin's ia P 114 ^ ^ TUB, the fame predicament with his. However, fmce nei- ther of thefe was likely to come, to pafs, he thought fit to lend the whole buhnefs another turn, and to drefs up neceOity into a virtue. Therefore, after as many of the fox's arguments as he could mailer up, for bringing Martin to reafon, as he called it, or, as he meant it, in- to his own ragged, hobtaiied condition; and obferving he fiid all to little purpofe ; what, alas ! was left for the forlorn Jack, to do, but after a millron of fcurrilities a- gainil his brother, to run mad with fpleen, and fpite, and contradidlion ! To be ihort, here began a mortal breach between thefe two. Jack went immediately to new lodg- ings y and in a few days it was for certain reported, that he had run out of his wits. In a ihort time after, he appeared abroad, and confirmed the report, by falling into the oddefl whimfies that ever afick brain conceived. And now the little boys in the ilreets began to falute him with feveral names. Sometinaes they would call him Jack the Ball (^a) ; fometimes, Jack with a lanthorn (h); fometimes, Dutch Jack(^c'); fometimes French Hugh {d); fometimes. Tc’;; the Beggar {e'); and fometimes, Knock- ing Jack of the North (f). And it was under one, or fonie, or all of thefe appellations, which I leave the learned reader to determine, that he hath given rife .to the moil illuftrlous and epidemic fed: of JEoUflsy who, v;iin honourable commemoration, do Hill acknowlcge the renowned for their author and founder. Of whofe original, as well as principles, 1 am now advan- (fl) That i?, Calvin, from calvii^, bahl. (p) All thofe who pretend to inward light. (r) Jack of Leaden, who gave rife to the Jnalaplijii. U) The Hugonots. ((?) The Gueiifes, by which name fome Protsfants in Flan- ders were called. ffj John Knox the reformer of Scotland. Seft. VII. A dtgrejp. In pratfe of dtgrejfions, 115 cing to gratify the world with a very particular account ; — - — Melleo contingens cun 6 ia legore, SECT. VII. A digreJfiGn in pratfe of digrejffions* I H A V E fometimes heard of an Iliad in a nut 'fell : \ but ii hath been my fortune to have much oftener feen a nut'Jhell in an Iliad, There is no doubt that human life has received moft wonderful advantages from both ; ! but to which of the two the world is chiefly ini^ebted, I (hall leave among the curious, as a proldem worthy of their utmoft inquiry. For the invention of the litter, I think the commonwealth of learning is chiefly obliged to the great modern improvement of digreffions ; the late refinements of knowlege running parallel to thofeo' diet in our nation, which, among men of a judicious tafte, are dreiTed up in various compounds, confifting in foups and ollWs^ fricajfees and ragoufls. It is true, there is a fort of morofe, detrading, ill-bred ' people, who pretend utterly to difrelifli thcfe polite in- novations. And as to the fimilitude from diet, they al- low the parallel ; but are fo bold to pronounce the ex- ‘ ample itfcif, a corruption and degeneracy of tafte. They tell us, that the fafhion of jumbling fifty things together in a diih, was at firft introduced in compliance to a de- praved and debauched appetite^ as well as to a crazy con- jlitution; and to fee a man hunting through an o//!?, after the head and brains of a goofe^z. wigeon or a wood-cocky is a fign he wants a ftomach and digeflion for more fub- ftantial viduals. Farther, they affirm, that digrejfions in a book are like foreign troops in a flatCy which argue the nation to want a heart and hands of its own; and often either fiibd.ue the natives yOcdix'ws, them into the moft unfruitful corners. P2 ii6 A Tale of a TUB, Bpt, after all that can be obje^led by thefe fupercillous cenfors, it is manifen:, the fociety of writers would quick- ly be reduced to a very inconfiderabie number, if men were put upon making books, with the fatal conHne- ment of delivering nothing beyond what is to the pur- pole. It is acknowleged, that were the cafe the fame among us, as with the Greeks and Romans^ when learn- ing v.'as in its cradle y to be reared, and fed, and clothed by invention ; it would be an cafytaflc to fill up volumes upon particular occafions, withoutfarther expatiating from the fubje(51:, than by moderate excurfions, helping to advance or clear the main defign. But with knovjlege it has fared as with a numerous army, incamped in a fruitful coun- try ; which for a few days maintains itfclf by the pro- dudl of the foil it is on ; till provifions being fpent, they fend to forage many a mile, among friends or ene- mies, it matters not. Mean while, the neighbouYing fields, trampled and beaten down, become barren and dry, af- fording no fuftenance but clouds of duft. The whole courfe of things being thus entirely chan- ged between us and the ancientSy and the moderns wife- ly fenfible of it ; we of this age have difcovered afhorter, and more prudent method, to become fcholars and w/'/j, without the fatigue of reading or of thinking. The moll: £ccompl?fhed way of ufing books at prefent, is twofold: cither, firH', to fervc them as home men do Lords, learn their titles gxa6IIy, and then brag of their acquaintance; or, fecondly, which is indeed the choicer, the profounder, and politer method, to get a thorough infight into the index, by which the whole book is governed and turned, \\ke fifes by the tail. For to enter the palace of learn- ing at the great gate, requires an expence of time and forms ; therefore men of mnph hafle and little ceremony are content to get in by the hack-door. For the arts are nil in a fiying march, and therefore more eafily fubdu'ed by attacking them in the rear. Thus phyficians difeover ! Se£l. VII. A dlgrejp, in praife of digrejffions, l\y 1 the ftate of the whole body, by confulting only what i comes from behind. Thus men catch knowlege by I throwing their ’ivit on the pofleriors of a book, as boys I do fparrows with flinging fait upon their tails. Thus I human life is beft underftood by the wife man’s rule of I regarding the end. Thus are the fciences found, like i /ca£t defeription of the changes made ii^ the fgC(> by enthufialUc preachers, ^ Sea. VIII. A Tale of a TUB, 125 praifes of the winds ; and gently wafted to and fro by their own humming, do thus reprefent the foft breezes oftheir deities appeafed. It is from this cuftom of the priefts, that fome authors maintain thefe Aeolijls to have been very ancient in the world ; becaufe the delivery of their myfteries, which I have juft now mentioned, appears exatftly the fame with that of other ancient oracles, whofe infpirations were owing to certain fubterraneous effluviums of wind^ delivered with the fame pain to the prieft, and much bout the fame influence on the people. It is true indeed, that thefe were frequently managed and direded by /e- male officers, whofe organs were underftood to be better difpofed for the admiflion of thofe oracular gufs^ as en- tering and palling up through a receptacle of greater ca^ pacity, and caufing alfo a pruriency by the way, fuch as, with due management, hath been refined from carnal, into a fpiritual ecftafy. And to ftrengthen this profound conjedure, it is farther infifted that this cuftom of /e- male {a') prlefts is kept up ftill in certain refined colleges of our modern Aeolijls, who are agreed to receive their infpiration, derived through the receptacle aforefaid, like their anceftors the Sibyls, And whereas the 'mind of man, when he gives the fpur and bridle to his thoughts, doth never ftop, but naturally fallies out into both extremes of high and low, of good and evil ; his firft flight of fancy commonly tranfports him to ideas of what is moft perfect, finifhed, and exalted; till having foared out of his own reach and fight, not well perceiving how near the frontiers of height and depth borfler upon each other, with the fame courfe and wing he falls down plum into the loweft bottom of things ; like one who travels the eafl into the vsejl, or like a ftrait line drawn by its own length into a circle. f a) Quakers, who fufEcr their women to preach and pray. 126 A Tale of a TUB. ■Whether a tlndlure of malice in our natures makes us fond of furnifhing every bright idea with its reverfe; or whether reafon, refledting upon the fum of things, can, like the fun ferve only to enlighten one half of the globe, leaving the other half by neceflity, under fhade and dark- nefs; or whether fancy, flying up to the imagination of v/hat is highefl: and beft, becomes over-fhort, and fpent, and weary, and fuddenly falls, like a dead bird of paradife, to the ground ; or whether, after all thefe meta- ■phyfical conjedlures, I have not entirely mifled the true reafon; the propofition, however, which hath flood me in fo much circumflance, is altogether true, that, as the mofl uncivilized parts of mankind have forae way or o- thcr climbed up into the conception of 2 igod, or fupreme power, fo they have feldom forgot to provide their fears with certain ghaftly notions, which, inflead of better, have ferved them pretty tolerably for a devil. And this proceeding feems to be natural enough : for it is with men whofe imaginations are lifted up very high, after the fame rate as with thofe whofe bodies are fo ; that as they are delighted with the advantage of a nearer con- templation upwards, fo they are equally terrified with the di final profpeifl: of the precipice below. Thus, in the choice of a devil, it hath been the ufual method of mankind, to Angle out fome being, either in a<5l or in vi- flon, which was in mofl antipathy to the god they had framed. Thusalfo the fedl of Aeolijls pofleflTed themfelves with a dread, and horror, and hatred of two malignant natures, betwixt whom and the deities they adored, per- petual enmity was cflablifhed. The firft of thefe was the camelion {a ), fworn foe to infpiration, who, in fcorn, (a) \ not well underfland what the author aims at here, any more than by the terrible monfter mentioi ed in the fol- lowing lines, called Moulinavent, which is the I reach word for a windmill. Sea. VIII. A Tale of a TUB. 1 27 devoured large influences of their god, without refund- ing the fmalleft blaft by eriiBation. The other was a huge terrible monfler, called Moulivanenty who with four ftrong arms waged eternal battle with all their divinities, dexteroufly turning to avoid their blows, and repay them with intereft. Thus furnifhed and fet out with gods as well as devils ^ was the renowned lea of Aeolifls ; which makes at this day fo illuflrious a figure in the world, and whereof that polite nation of Laplanders are beyond all doubt a moft authentic branch : of whom I therefore cannot, without injuftice, here omit to make honourable mention ; lince they appear to be fo clofely allied in point of interefl, as well as inclinations, with their brother Aeolijls among us, as not only to buy their voinds by wholefale from the fame merchants, but alfo to retale them after the fame rate and method, and to cuftomers much alike. Now, whether the fyftem here delivered was wholly compiled by Jack, or, as fome writers believe, rather copied from the original at Delphos, with certain addi- tions and emendations fuited to times and circumflan- ees ; I Ihall not abfolutely determine. This I may aflirm, that Jack gave it at leaft a new turn, and formed it in- to the fame drefs and model as it lies deduced by me. I have long fought after this opportunity of doing juflice to a fociety of men for whom I have a peculiar honour, and whofe opinions, as well as practices, have been extremely mifreprefented and traduced by the ma- lice or ignorance of their adverfaries. For I think ir one of the greatefl: and bell; of human adlions, to remove prejudices, and place things in their truefl: and fairefi; light; which I therefore boldly undertake, without any regards of my own, befide the confcience, the honour, and the thanks. 128 A tale of a run. SECT. IX. A dtgreffion concerning the original^ the ufe and improvement of madnefs in a commonwealth. NOR fliall it any wife detfad fforn the juft reputa- tion of this famoufe fed, that its rife and inftitutioti are owing to fuch an author as I have defcribed Jack to be; a perfon whofe intelleduals were overturned, and his brain ftiaken out of is natural poftiion ; which we com- monly fuppofe to be a diftemper, and call by the name of madnefs ox phrenzy. For if we take a furvey of the greateft a<5lions that have been performed in the world undertheinfluenceof finglemen ; which are, the eJJabliJh^ ment of new empires by conquejl ; the advance and progrefs (f new fchemes in philofophy ; and the contriving^ as well as the propagating of new religions ; we Ihall find the authors of them all to have been perfons whofe natural reafon hath admitted great revolutions, from their diet, their education, the prevalency of fomc certain temper, to- gether with the particular influence of air and climate. Befides, there is fomething individual in human minds^ that eafily kindles at the accidental approach and colli- fion of certain circumftances, which, though of paltry and mean appearance, do often flame out into the great- eft emergencies of life. For great turns are not always given by ftrong hands, but by lucky adaption, and at proper feafons. And it is of no import, where the fire was kindled, if the vapour has once got up into the brain- For the upper region of man is furnilhed like the middle tegion of the air; the materials are formed from eaufes of the wideft difference, yet produce at laft the fame fob- ftance and effedi. Pvlifts arife from the earth, fteams from dunghills, exhalations from the fea^ and fmoke fro.m fire j Seel:. IX. A digrejfion concerning madnefs. 1 29 yet all clouds are the fame in compofition, as well as confequences ; and the fumes iffuing from a jakes, will furni'li as comely and ufeful a vapour, as incenfe from an altar. Thus far, I fuppofe, will eafily be granted me; and then it will follow, that as the face of nature never produces rain, but when it is overcafl: and dlflurbed ; fb human underllanding, feated in the brain, miuft be trou- bled and o.verfpread by vapours afeending from the lower faculties, to water the invention, and render it fruitful. "Now, although thefe vapours (as it hath been already faiu) are of as various original as thofe of the (leies ; yet the crop they produce, differs both in kind and degree, merely according to the foil. I will produce two inPian- ccs to prove and explain what I am now advancing. A certain great prince (//) raifed a mighty army, filled his coffers with infinite treafures, provided an invincible fleet; and all this, without giving the leaf! part of his de- fign to his greatefl; minifters, or his neareft favourites. Immediately the whole world was alarmed ; the neigh- bouring crowns in trembling expedlations towards what point the ftorm would burft; the fmall politicians every v/here forming profound conjedlures. Some believed he had laid a fcheme for univerfal monarchy : others, after much infight, determined the matter to be a projecl for pulling down the Pope, and fetting up the Reformed re- digion, which had once been his ov/n. Some again, of a deeper fagacity, Tent him into Afia, to fubdue the Turkj and recover PaUJIine. In the midfl of all thefe pro- jedfs and preparations, a cQxvdm (late fiirgeorfb'), gather- ing the nature of the difeafe by thefe fymptoms, at- tempted the cure; at one blow performed the operiition, broke the bag, and out rlew the vapour. Kor did any thing want to render it a complete remedy, only that (fl) This was Henry the Great of France. {1) RavilLic, why (tabbed Henry the Great in his coach, R I A 7*ale of a TUB, the prince unfortunately happened to die in the per- formance. Now, is the reader exceeding curious to learn, from whence this vapour took its rife, which had fo long fetthe nations at a gaze ! what fecret wheel, what hidden fpring, could put into motion fo wonderful an engine ? It was afterwards difcovered, that the movement of this tvhole machine had been directed by an abfent female^ whofc eyes had raifed a protuberancy, and, before emif- hon, (he was removed into an enemy’s country. What (hould an unhappy prince do in fuch ticklilh circumftan- ces as thefe ? He tried in vain the poet’s never-failing receipt of corpora quaeque : for, Idque petit corpus mens unde ejl faucia amore ; Unde feritur, eo tendit, gejlitque coire. Lucr. Having to no purpofe ufed all peaceable endeavours, the collefled part of the femeUy raifed and enflamed, be- came a duO:, converted to choler, turned head upon the fpinal du6l, and afcended to the brain. The very fame principle, that influences a hully to break the windows of a whore who has jilted him, naturally ftirs up a great prince to raife mighty armies, and dream of nothing but lieges, battles, and vidories ; Cunnus teterrimi belli - — -Caufa, The other inflance is, what I have read fome where in a very ancient author, of a mighty King (^z), who, for the fpace of above thirty years, amufed himfelf to take and lofe towns ; beat armies, and be beaten ; drive prin- ces out of their dominions; fright children from their bread and butter; burn, lay wafle, plunder, dragoon, malTacre fubjedt and flranger, friend and foe, male and female. It is recorded, that the philofophers of each {a J This is meant of the prefent French King, Se(n: . IX. A dlgrejffion concerning madnefs. 1 3 1 country were in grave difpute upon caufes natural, mo- ral, and political, to find out where they fhould aflign an original fblution of this phaenomenon . At lafl; the vapour or fpirit which animated the hero’s brain, being in per- petual circulation, feized upon that region of human bo- dy, fo renowned for furnifliing the zibeta accident alls {a')^ and gathering there into a tumor, left the reft of the world for that time in peace. Of fuch mighty confequence it is, where thofe exhalations fix ; and of fo little, from whence they proceed. The fame fpirits v/hich, in their fuperior progrefs, would conquer a kingdom, defend- ing upon the anuSy conclude in a fiftula. Let us next examine the great introducers of new fchemes in philofophy, and fearch till we can find from what faculty of the foul the difpofition arifes in mortal man, of taking it into his head to advance new fyftems with fuch an eager zeal in things agreed on all hands im- polTible to be known; from what feeds this difpofition fprings, and to what quality of human nature thefe grand innovators have been indebted for their number of dif- ciples ; becaufe it is plain, that feveral of the chief among them, both ancient and modern, were ufually miftaken by their adverfaries, and indeed by all, except their own followers, to have been perfons crazed, or out of their wits ; having generally proceeded in the common courfe of their words and adions, by a method very different from the vulgar didates of unrefined reafon ; agreeing, for the moft part, in their feveral models, with their pre- fent undoubted fucceffors in the acadamy of Modern Bed-- (a) Paracelfiis, who was fo famous for chymiftry, tried an experiment upon human excrement, to make a perfume of it; which when he had brought to perfedion, he called zibeia occidentalis, or ivefiern civet, the back parts of man (accord- ing to its divifion mentioned by the author,^. 95.) being the Wejl. 132 ' A rale of a TUB, lam; (whofe merits and principles I fliall further exa- mine in due place). Of this kind were Epicurus, Dioge- nes, Apollonius, Lucretius, Paracelfus, Des Cartes, and o- thers ; who, if they were now in the world, tied faft, and feparate from their followers, would, in this our undiftinguifhing age, incur manifefl: danger of phleboto- my and whips, and chains, and dark chambers, and flraw. For what man, in the natural ftate or courfe of think- ing, did ever conceive it in his power to reduce the no- tions of all mankind exactly to the fame length and breadth, and height, of his own? Yetthis is the firil hum- ble and civil ddign of all innovators in the empire of reafon. Epicurus modeftly hoped, that one time or other, a certain fortuitous concourfe of all mens opinions, after perpetual judiings, the fnarp with the fmooth, the light and the heavy, the round and the fquare, would, by cer- tain clinamina, unite in the notions of atoms and void, as tljefe did in the originals of ail things. Cartefms reckoned to fee before he died, the fentiments of all philofophers, like To many lelfer flars in his romantic fyftem, wrapt and drawn within his own vortex. Now, I would glad- ly be informed, how it is pofTihle to account for fuch i- maginaticns as thefe in particular men, without recourle to my phacnomenon of vapours, afcending from the lower faculties to overfhadow the brain, and their diftilling in- to conceptions, for v/hich the narrownefs of our mother- tongue has not yet affigned any other name befides that of madnefs or phrenzy. Let us therefore now conjedture how it comes to pafs, that none of thefe great prefcribers do ever fail providing themfelvcs and their notions with a number of implicit difcipics. And I think the reafon is eafy to be affigned ; for there is a peculiar in the harmony of human undendanding, which in fevcral in- dividuals is exactly of the fame tuning. This if you can dexterouily fcrew up to its right key, and then flrike gen- tly upon it ; whenever you have the good fortune to Se6V. IX. A digrejjion concerning madnefs. 133 light among thofe of the fame pitch, they will, by a fe- cret necelTary fympathy, ftrike exactly at the fame time. And in this one circumftance lies all the fldll or luck of the matter: for if you chance to jar the firing among thofe who are either above or below your own height; inllead of fubfcribing to your dodrine, they will tie you fad, call you mad, and feed you with bread and water. It is therefore a point of the niceft condudl, to diflin- guilh and adapt this noble talent, with refped to the dif- ferences of perfons and of times. Cicero underllood this very well, when writing to a friend in England^ with a caution, among other matters, to bew’’are of being cheat- ed by onr hacknej-cocchmen^ who, it feems, in thofe days, were as arrant rafcals as they are now, has thefe remark- able words: Efl quod gaudeas te in ifia loca venijfe^ iibi aliquid fapere viderere*. For, to fpeak a bold truth, it is a fatal mifearriage, fo ill to order affairs, as to pafs for a fool in one company, when in another you might be treated as a philofopher. Which I dcfire fame certain Gen- tlemen of my acquaintance to lay up in their hearts, as a very feafonable innuendo. This indeed was the fatal miflake of that worthy Gen- tleman, my mod ingenious friend, Mr. W-tt-n; a perfon, in appearance ordained for great defigns, as well as per- formances, whether you will confider his notions or his looks. Surely no man ever advanced into the public with fitter qualifications of body and mind for the propa- gation of a new religion. Oh ! had thofe happy talents, mifapplied to vain philofophy, been turned into their proper channels of dreams and vifionSy w'bere dijlortion of mind and countenance are of fnch fovereign ufe, the bafe detrading world would not then have dared to re- port, that fomething is amifs, that his brain hath under- gone an unlucky fhake; which even his brother modern- [* Epijl. ad Earn. Trehatio.'] 134 ATaleofaTUB. tfls themfelves, like ungrates, do whiiper fb loud, that it reaches up to the very garret I am now writing in. Laftly, Whofoever pleafes to look into the fountains of enthufiafniy from whence in all ages, have eternally proceeded fuch fattening ftreams, will find the fpring- head to have been as troubled and muddy as the current. Of fuch great emolument is a tindlure of this vapoury which the world calls madnefsy that, without its help, the world would not only be deprived of thofe two great h\^^mg%yConqueJls and Jyftems, hut even all mankind would unhappily be reduced to the fame belief in things invi- fible. Now, the former poflulatum being held, that it is of no import from what originals this vapour proceeds, but either in what angles it ftrikes, and fpreads over the underftanding, or upon what fpecies of brain it afcends; it will be a very delicate point, to cut the feather, and divide the feveral reafons to a nice and curious reader, how this numerical difference in the brain can produce clfeds of fo vaft a difference from the fame vapour, as to be the foie point of individuation between Alexander the Great, Jack of Leyden, and Monfieur Des Cartes. The prefent argument is the moft abftradted that ever I en- gaged in ; it (trains my faculties to their higheft ftretch ; and I defire the reader to attend with utmoft perpenfity ; for now I proceed to unravel this knotty point. There is in mankind a certain «'«=*** *****####«;*##* *#*###*#* ***###**# jjic mult a *#***##** defiderantur . #**##***# * * * # _^nd this I take to be a clear folu- tion of the matter.' (e) Here is another defeat in the rnanufcript ; but I think the author did 'A-ifely, and that the matter which thus firainT Se^l* IX. A digreffion concerning madnefs. 1 35 Having therefore fo narrowly pafifed through this in- tricate difficulty, the reader will, I am fure, agree with me in the conclufion, that, if the moderns mean by mad- nefs only a difturbance or tranfpofition of the brain, by force ofcertaint;jj5o«rjiiruing up from the lower faculties, then has this madnefs been the parent of all thofe mighty revolutions that have happened in empire j in philofophy^ and in religion. For the brain, in its natural pofition and ftate of ferenity, difpofcth its owner to pafs his life in the common forms, without any thoughts of fubdu- ing multitudes to his own power ^ his reafons, or his vi- fions : and the more he (hapes his underftanding by the pattern of human learning, the lefs he is inclined to form parties after his particular notions ; becaufe that inffruds him in his private infirmities, as well as in the ftubborn ignorance of the people. But when a man’s fancy gets ajlride on his reafon, when imagination is at cuffs with the fenfes, and common underftanding, as well as com- mon fenfe, is kicked out of doors, the firft profelyte he makes, is himfelf; and when that is once compafted, the difficulty is not fo great in bringing over others ; a ftrong delufion always operating from without as vigor- oufly as from within. For cant and viffon are to the ear and the eye the fame that tickling is to the touch, Thofe entertainments and pleafures we moft value in life, are fuch as dupe and play the w^ag with the fenfes. For if we take an examination of what is generally underftood by hap- pincfsy as it has refpedl either to the underftanding or the fenfes, we ftiall find all its properties and adjuncts will herd under this ffiort definition, That it is a perpetual pojfejjion of being well deceived. And, firft, with relation to the mind or underftanding, it is manlfeft what mighty advantages fidtion has over truth : and the reafon is juft; cd his faculties, was not worth a folution ; and it were well if all metaphyfical cobweb problems were no otliei wife anfwered. 136 ' A Tale of a TUB, at oui* elbow ; becaufe imagination can build nobler fcenes, and produce more wonderful revolutions, than foitune or nature will be at expence to furnifh. Nor is mankind fo much to blame in his choice thus determining him, if we conlider that the debate merely lies between things faffy and things conceived. And fo the queftion is only this : Whether things that have place in the imaginationy may not as properly be faid to exif as thofe that are feated in the memory? Which may be jufily held in the affirmative : and very much to the advantage of the for- mer ; fince this is acknowleged to be the womb of things, and the other allowed to be no more than grave. A- gain, if we take this definition ofhappinefs, and examine it with reference to the fenfes, it v/ill be acknowleged wonderfully adapt. How fading and infipid do all ob- jeds accoft us that are not conveyed in the vehicle of delufion! How fnrunk is every thing as it appears in the glafs of nature ! So that, if it were not for the affiftance of artificial we-AW/j, falfe lights, refrasfled angles, varnifh, and tinfel, there would be a mighty level in the felicity and enjoyments of mortal men. If this were ferioufly confidered by the world, as I have a certain reafon to fufped it hardly will, men would no longer reckon a- mong their high points of wifdom, the art of expofing weak fides, and publifhing infirmities : An employment, in my opinion, neither better nor worfe than that of un* masking ; which I think has never been allowed fair ufage, either in the world or the play-houfe. In the proportion that credulity is a more peaceful poITeffion of the mind than curiofity, fo far preferable is that wifdorn which converfes about the furface, to that pretended philofophy which enters into the depth or things, and then comes gravely back with informations and difeoveries, that in the infide they are good for no- thing. two fenfes to which all objedls firft addrefs themfelves, are the fight and the touch. Thefe never f O Se£l. IX. A dlgrejjion concerning madnefs. 137 examine farther than the colour, the (hape, the and whatever other qualities dwell, or are drawn by art upon the outward of bodies ; and then comes reafon of- ficioufly, with toolsforcutting, and opening, and mang- ling, and piercing, offering to demonflrate, that they are not of the fame confiftence quite through. Kow, I take all this to be the laft degree of perverting nature ; one of whofe eternal laws it is, to put her heft furni- ture for\vard. And therefore, in order to have the charges of all fuch expenfive anatomy for the time to come, 1 do here think fit to inform the reader, that, in fuch concluflons as thefe, reafon is certainly in the right; and that in' moft corporeal beings which have fallen un- der my cognifimee, the oiitfide hath been infinitely pre- ferable to the in. Whereof I have been farther con- vinced from fome late experiments. Lafl: week I faw a woman flayed, and you will hardly believe how much it altered her perfon for the worfe. Yeflerday I ordered the carcafe of a beau to be ftript in my prefence ; wlien we were all amazed to find fb many unfufpedlcd faults under one fuit of cloaths. Then I laid open his brain, liis hearty and his fplccn. But I plainly perceived at every operation, that the farther we proceeded, we found the defe<51s increafe upon ns in number and bulk. From all which I jufily formed this conclufion to myfelf. That whatever philofbpher or projedor can find out an art to Ibdder and patch up the flaws and imperfeblions of na- ture, will deferve much better of mankind, and teach us a more ufeful fcience, than that fo much in prefent efteem, of widening and expofing them, (like him who held anatomy to be tlie ultimate end of yi/n/zV). And he whofe fortunes and difpofitions have placed him in a convenient ftation to enjoy the fruits of this noble art ; he that can, with Epicuruj, content his ideas with the films and images that flv off upon his fenfes from the fu- perficies of things; fuch a man, truly wife, creams oif 138 A Tale of a TUB, nature, leaving the four and the dregs for phllofophy ' I and reafon to lap up. This is the fublime and refined 1 point of felicity, called the pojjejjion of being well deceiv- ed ; the ferene peaceful ftate of being a fool among : knaves. But to return to madnefs : It is certain, that, accord- ing to the fyfiem I have above deduced, every fpecies : thereof proceeds from a redundancy of there- fore, as fome kinds of phrenzy give double firength to the finews, fo there are of othery^ifr/V/, which add vigour, and life, and fpirit, to the brain. Now, it ufually hap- pens, that thefe adive fpirits, getting polfeflion of the brain, refemble thofe that haunt other wafie and empty dwellings, which, for want of bufinefs, either vanifh, and cany away a piece of the houfe, or elfeftay athome, and fiing it all out of the windows. By which are my- flically difplayed the two principal branches oi madnefs ; and which fomc philofophers, not confidering fo well as I, have mifiook to be different in their eaufes; over haftily afiigning the firfi: to deficiency, and the other to redundance. I think it therefore manifefi:, from what I have here advanced, that the main point of fldll and addrefs, is, to furnifh employment for this redundancy of vapoury and prudently to adjufi: the feafons of it ; by which means it may certainly, become of cardinal and catholic emolu- ment in a commonwealth. Thus one man, chufing a proper juncture, leaps into a gulph, from thence pro- ceeds a hero, and is called the faver of his country : a- nother atchieves the fame enterprize ' but unluckily timing it, has left the brand of madnefs fixed as a re- proach upon his memory. Upon fo nice a diftineftion are we taught to repeat the name of Curtins with reve- rence and love ; that of EmpedocleSy with hatred and contempt. Thus alfo it is ufually conceived, that the elder Brutus only perfonated the fool and madman for the F ,* ' Se^l. IX. A digrejjion concerning madiiefs. 1 39 good of the public. But this was nothing elfe than a redundanc}^ of the fame vapour, long mifapplied, called by the Latins, higenium par negotiis* \ or, (to tranflate it as nearly as I can), a forf of never in its right element till you take it up in the bufinefs of the Bate. Upon all which, and many other reafons of equal weight, though not equally curious, I do here gladly embrace an opportunity I have long fought for, of re- commending it as a very noble undertaking, to Sir E d S r. Sir C r M ve. Sir J— n B Is, J n H w, Efq ; and other patriots concerned, that they would move for leave to bring in a bill, for appointing commiffioners to infpeft into Bedlam, and the parts adjacent; whofliall be impowered to fend for perfons, papers, and records ; to examine into the merits and qualifications of every Bu- dent and profelfor; to obferve with utmoft exaiBnefs their feveral difpofitions and behaviour; by which means, duly diftinguifning and adapting their talents, the}'’ might produce admirable inftruments for the feveral offices in a Bate, ******* civil and military' proceeding in fuch methods as I ffiall here humbly pro- pcfe. And I hope the gentle reader will give fome al- lowance to my great follcltudes In this important affair, upon account of that high eBeem T have ever borne tliat honourable fociety, whereof I had fome time the happi- nefs to be an unworthy member. Is any Budent tearing his Braw in piece-meal, fwear- ing and blafpheming, biting his grate, foaming at the mouth, and emptying his piffpot in the fpedlators faces ? Let the right worffiipful the Commijfioners of Jifpeclion give him a regiment of dragoons, and fend him into Flanders among the reJK Is another eternally talking. S 2 i* Tacit.-] MO A Tale of a TUB, fputterlng, gaping, bawling, in a found without period ' t or article ? What wonderful talents are here miflaid ! I Let him be furniflicd immediately with a green bag and | papers, and three pence (a) in his pocket, and away with I him to JVeftmiujler-hai!. You will find a third gravely f taking the dimenfions of his kennel; a perfon of fore- j fight and infight, though kept quite in the dark; for i why, like MofeSy ecce cornuta (Ji) erat ejiis facies. He I, walks duly in one pace ; intreats your penny with due i gravity and ceremony; talks much of hard times, and i taxes, and the luhore of Babylon ; bars up the wooden win- f dow of his cell condiantly at eight o’clock; dreams of | JirCy and fop-lfterSy and court - cuflojii er s y and privileged ■ I places. Now, what a figure would all thefe acquirements | amount to, if the owner were fent into the city among i his brethren! Behold a fourth, in much and deep con- j vcrfition with himfelf ; biting his thumbs at proper jun- I (flures ; his countenance chequered with bufinefs and de- | fign ; fometimes walking very faft, with his eyes nailed f to a paper that he holds in his hands ; a great faver of { time; fomewhat thick of hearing ; very fiiort of fight, \ but more of memory; a man ever in hafle, a great hatch- i er and breeder of bufinefs, and excellent at the famous i art of whifpering nothing ; a huge idolater of monofyl- 1 lables and procrafiination ; fo ready to give his word to i every body, that he never keeps it; one that has forgot i the common meaning of words', but an admirable retain- er of the found : extremely fubjedt to the loofenefsy lor his occajions are perpetually calling him avjay. If you ap- proacli his grate in his familiar intervals, Sir (fays he), give me a penny, and I’ll ling you a fong; but give me the penny firll.” (Hence comes the common faying, ^ (fi) A lawyer’s coach-hire. {b) Cormitus is either horned or fhining; and by this term MojiS is deferibed in the vulgar Latin of the Bible. Scc^. IX. A (ligreffion concerning madnefs. 141 and commoner practice, of parting with money for AVhat a complete fyltem of court Jlzill is here defcribed in every branch of it, apd all utterly loft with wrong ap- plication? Accoft the hole of another kennel, firft (top- ping your note, you will behold a furly, gloomy, nafly, flovenly mortal, raking in his own dung, and dabling in his urine. The belt part of his diet, is the rcverfion of his own ordure; which, expiring into (teams, whirls perpetually about, and at la(t re-infunds. His comple- xion is of a dirty yellow, with a thin fcattered beard, exactly agreeable to that of his diet, upon its (irft decli- nation; like other inlet^ts, who having their birth and e- ducation in an excrement, from thence borrow their co- lour and their fmell. The Itudent of this apartment is very fparing of his words, but fomewhat over-liberal of his breath ; he holds his hand out ready to receive your penny, and immediately upon receipt, withdraws to his former occupations. Now, is it not amazing, to think, the fociety of War^imck-lane (liould have no more con- cern, for the recovery of fo ufeful a member, who, if one may judge from thefe appearances, would become the greatefl: ornament to that illudrious body ? Another (Indent (Iruts up fiercely to your teeth, puffing with his lips, half fqueezing out his eyes, and very gracioufly holds you out his hand to kifs. The keeper defires you not to be afraid of this profeffor, for he will do you no hurt. To him alone is allowed the liberty of the anti- chamber; and the orator of the place gives you to under- (land, that this folemn perfon is a taylor, run mad with pride. This confiderable fludent is adorned with many other qualities, upon which, at prefent, I (liali not far- ther enlarge. — Hark in your ear (^a') {a) I cannot conjcfTture what the author means here, or how this chaf.n could be filled, though it is capable of more than one interpretation. 142 A Tale of a TUB. p I am ftrangely miftaken, if all his addrefs, 1: his motions, and his airs, would not then be very natu- ^ ral, and in their proper element. - I (hall not defcend fo minutely as to infill: upon the :i vafi: number of beaux y fidlerSy poets, and politicians, that , the world might recover by fuch a reformation. But ; what is more material, befides the clear gain redounding 1; to the commonwealth, by fo large an acquifition of per- ’ fens to employ, whofe talents and acquirements, if I may be fo bold to affirm it, are now buried, or at leafl: ' mifapplied ; it would be a mighty advantage accruing to the public from this inquiry, that all thefe would very ' much excel, and arrive at great perfection in their feve- ral kinds ; which, I think, is manifeft from what I have already ffiewn ; and ffiall inforce by this one plain inftance, ThatevenI myfelf, thcauthorof thefe momentous truths, am a perfon, whofe imaginations are hard-mouthed, and exceedingly dlfpofed to run away with his reafon, which I have obferved from long experience, to be a very light rider, and eafily ffiook of : upon which accountmy friends will never truft me alone, without a folemn promife, to vent my fpeculations in this, or the like manner, for the univerfal benefit of human kind ; which, perhaps, the gentle, courteous, and candid reader, brimful of that ino- dern charity and tendernefs ufually annexed to his office, will be very hardly perfuaded to believe. SECT. X. A Tale of a TUB. I T is an nnanfwerable argument of a very refined age, the wonderful civilities that have paiTed of late years between the nation of author s,2cs\iS. that of readers. There can hardly pop out a play, a pamphlet, or a poem, with- i A Tale of a TUB. T43 out a preface full of acknowlegements to the world, for the general reception and applaufe they have given it; which the Lord knows where, or when, or how, or from whom it received (<7). In due deference to fo laud- able a cuftom, I do here return my hnmble thanks to bis Majejlyy and both houfes of parliament ; to the Lords of the King’s Mod Honourable Privy Council ; to the Keverend the Judges; to the Clergy, and Gentry, and Yeomanry, of this land ; but, in a more efpeciai manner, to my worthy brethren and friends at Will's coffee-houfe, and Grejbam college, and JVarwick-lane, and Moor-fields, and Scot land-yard, and Wefiminfier-hall, and Guild-hall; in fliort, to all inhabitants and retainers whatfoever, ei- ther in court, or church, or camp, or city, or country, for their generous and univerfal acceptance of this di- vine treatife. I accept their approbation and good o- pinion with extreme gratitude; and, to the utmod of my poor capacity, lhall take hold of all opportunities to return the obligation. I am alfo happy, that fate has flung me into fo blef- fed an age for the mutual felicity of bookfiellers and au“ thors, whom I may fafely affirm to be at this day the two only fatisfied parties in England, Aflc an author how his lad piece has fucceeded : “ Why, truly, he thanks his dars, the world has been very favourable, and he has not the lead reafon to complain. And yet, by G — , he writ it in a week at bits and darts, when he could deal an hour from his urgent affairs as it is a hun- dred to one, you may fee farther in the preface, to which he refers you ; and for the red, to the bookfeller. There you go as a cuflomer, and make the fame queflion : He “ bledes his God, the//;;;7^ takes wonderfully ; he is jiid ‘‘ printing a fccond edition, and has but three left in his (^7) This is literally true, as we may obferve in the prefaces to mod plays, poems, etc. 144 J Tale of a TUB. [ (hop,” You heat down the price: Sir, we fi7all \ not differ and in hopes of your cuftom another time, lets you have it as reafonable as you pleafe; “ and, pray , fend as many of your acquaiiitances as you will, I ‘‘ (liail upon your account furnifh them all at the fame ‘‘ rate.” Kow, it is not well enough confidered, to what ac- ■ cidentsand occafions the world is indebted for the great- eft part of thofe noble writings which hourly ftart up to ij entertain it. If it were not for a rainy day, a drunken \ vigil, a fit of the fpleeii, a cotirfe of phyfc, afeepy Sunday, an ill run at dice, a long taylor's bill, a beggar’s purfe, a i faBioiis head, a hot fun, cofive diet,- vaant of hooks, and a \ jitf contempt of learning; hut for theft events, I fay, and fome others, too long to recite, (cfpecially a- prudent ne~ ' glecf of taking brimftone inwardly'), I doubt, the number ' oi authors, aiid of ivritings, \\'ould dwindle away to a de- gree moft woful to behold. To confirm this opinion, hear the words of the famous Troglodyte philofopher. It is certain (^faid he) feme grains of folly are of courft annexed as part of the compofition of human nature; ( only the choice is left us, whether tve pleafe to wear J them inlaid ot inihefed: and we need not go very far : ** to feck how that is ufually determined, when we re- \ member, it is with human faculties as with liquors, the i lighteft will be ever at the top.” ) There is in this finnous ifland of Britain, a certain : , paltry fcribler,very voluminous, whoft chara(fter the read- !l j er cannot wholly be a ft'ranger to. He- deals in a per- *', ( nicious kind of writings, cahed fecond part's, and ufual- | iy palles under the name of The author of thc frft. I ca- ftly forefee, that as foon as^ I lay down my pen, this ijjj nimble operator will have dole it,' and treat- me as inliu- inanely as he hath already done Dr. Bl — -—re, L ge, : and many others who flmll- here lie namelefs. I there- fore ily for j ufticc and relief, into the- hands of that great redtifer J ' Seel. X. A Tale of a TUB. 145 rectifier of fuddles , gnd lover, of mankiyid^ Dr. B thy, begging he will take this enormous grievance into his moil modern confideration : and if it fhould fo happen, that the furniture of an af, in the Oiape of a fecond part, mud for 1113'' fins be clapped by a midake upon my back ; that he will immediately pleafe, in the prefence of the world, to lighten me of the burden, and take it home to his own houfe, till the true beafl thinks fit to call for it. In the mean time I do here give this public notice, that my refolutions are, to circumferibe within this dif- courfe the whole flock of matter I have been fo many years providing. Since my vein is once opened, I am content to exhaufl it ail at a running, for the peculiar advantage of my dear country, and for the iiniverfal be- nefit of mankind. Therefore hofpitably confidering the number of my guefts, they fliall have my whole enter- tainment at a meal; and I fcorn to fet up the leavings m the cupboard. What the guefis cannot eat, may be giv- en to the poor; and the dogs under the table may gnaw the bones (^z). This I underflaild for a more generous proceeding, than to turn the company’s flomachs, by in- viting them again to-morrow to a feurvy meal oiferaps. If the reader fairly cenfiders the flrength of what I have advanced in the foregoing fedlion, I am convinced it will produce a wonderful revolution in his notions and opinions ; and he will be abundantly better prepared to receive and to relifh the concluding part of this miracu- lous treatife. Readers may be divided into three claf- fes ; the fuperficial, the ignorant, ar.d the learned ; and I have with much felicity fitted my pen to the genius and advantage of each. The fuperficial reader will be flrange- Jy provoked to laughter ; which clears the bread and the (.7) By (kgs the author means common injudicious critic', as he explains it liiiralir before in his aigreU’Qn up'ir. critics, p. 8 ( 5 . T 146 A Tale of a TUB. lungs, is fovercign agalnfl; ffeen, and the moft in- nocent of all diuretics. The ignorant reader (between whom and the former the diiiinclion is extremely nice) will iind himfelf difpofed to fare ; which is an admira- ble remedy for ill eye?, ferves to raife and -enliven the fpirits, and wonderfully perf>iration. But the read- er truly learned^ chiefly for whofe benefit I wake when oriiers flcep, and flecp when others wake, will here find f.ifficient matter to employ his fpcculations for the refl: of his life. It were much to be wilhed, and I do here humbly propofe for an experiment, that every prince in Chrifend.om will take feveii of the deepeft fcholars in his dominions, and fhut them up clofe for [even years, in feven chambers, with a command to write feven ample commentaries on this comprehenfive difeourfe. I fhall venture to affirm, that whatever difference may be found in their feveral conjeLfiures, they wdll be all, w'ithout the ieaff difiortion, manifeflly deduciblefrom the text. Mean time, it is my earnefl requeff, that fo ufeful an undertak- ing may be entered noon, if their Majefties pleafe, with all convenient fpecd ; becaufe I have a Idrong Inclinati- on, before I leave the world, to taile a bleffing, w'hich we mxferious wniters can feldom reach, till we have got into our graves; wliether it is that fame, being a fruit grafted on ti’.c body, can hardly grow, and much lefs ripen, till the fock is in the earth; or whether flie be a bird of prey, and is lured among the reff, to pnrfue af- ter the feent of a carcafe ; or whether fhe conceives her truntpet founds bell: and farthefi, when fhe {lands on a tomb, by the advantage of a rifing ground, and the echo of a hoHov/ vault. It is true, indeed, the republic of dark authors, after they once found out this excellent expedient of dying, have been peculiarly happy in the variety, as well as ex- tent of their repiuatioii. For, A'igkt being the univer- fai moth-cr of things, wife pifilofophers hold all w'ritrngs Sea. X. A Tale of a TUB. J47 to be fruitful in the proportion tliey ixxedark ; and there- fore the true illuminated^ (that is to fay, the darkeJJ of all) have met with fuch ntimberlefscommentators, w hofe fcholaflic hath delivered them of meanings that the authors t-hemfelves perhaps never conceived, and yet may very juHly be allowed the lawful parents of them ; the words of fuch writers being like feed, winch, how- ever fcattered at random, when they light upon a fruit- ful ground, will multiply far beyond cither the hopes or imagination of the Tower {a'). And therefore, in order to promote fo ufeful a work, I will here take leave to glance a few Z/.w/zm/o’/, that may be of great aflaflance to thofe fubiime fplrits who fnall be appointed to labour in a univerfai comment upon this wonderful difeourfe. And, firll, I have couchied a very profound myftery in the number of O’s multiplied by feveii, and divided by nine Alfo, if a devout bro- ther of the Rofy Crofs will pray fervently for fixty three mornings, with a lively faith, and then tranfpofe certain letters and fyllablcs according to prefeription, in the fe- cond and fifth fedlions ; they will certainly reveal into a full receipt of thtoptts magnum. Laftly, whoever will be at the pains to calculate the whole number of each letter in this treatife, and fiim up the difference exaflly between the feveral numbers, affigning the true natural caufe for every fuch difference ; thedifeoveries in the prociuff will plentifully reward his labour. But then he mull beware of hythus ^x).(\ fige (c), and be furc not 10 forget tire qua- [* A name of the Ropcritcicnn p (a) j^-Iothing is more Frequent than for commsntalors to force interpretations which the author never meant. (/;) This is what the Cahalijls among the Jc-u'S h.ave lione with the Bible, and pretend to FnJ wonderful m\ (fcrics by it. (c) I was told hy an eminent duinc, whon) I confiilttd on till' point, that thefe two barbarous x'. ords, uitli tlnit qi' ix en-.etb MS J Tale of a TUB. lilies of acnmoth ; a cujus lacrymh hmne^a prodit fiihfi^an~ tia, a rifu Indda^ a I rift it i a folida^ et a timore mobilis ; wherein Eugeni ns Philalethes * hath committed an un- pardonable miftake (^7). SECT. XI. A T^k of a TU B,, \ FTER fo wide a compafs as I have wandered, I JL Jl do now gladly overtake, and clofein with my fub- jedi; and fh.all henceforth hold on with it an even pace to the end of my journey, except fomc beautiful prof- pe 6 l appears within fight of ray way; whereof though at preient I have neither warning nor expedation, yet, up- antl its qualities, as here fet down, are quoted from irenaeus. This he dlfcovered by fearclnng that ancient writer for aaotber quotation of our author^ which he has placed in the title-page, and refers to the book and chapter. The curious were very inquificiv'’e, whether thefe barbarous w'ords, eacahafa, etc. are really in Ircimeus j and upon inquiry it was found they vverq. a fort of cant or jargon of certain heretics, and therefore ve- ry properly prefixed to fuch a book as this of our author. ■ [* Vid. Amnia inagica ahfcondlta.] (rf) To the above mentioned treatife, called AnthropoEjpTm thcomagica^ there is another annexed, called Amina magica ah- fcondita, written by the fame author Vaughan, under the name of Eiigcnius Philalethes but in neither of thofe treatifes is there any mentian. of acarnoih, or its qualities : ip that this is nothing but amufernont, and a ridicule of dark, unintelligible writers; only the words .3 cujus lacrvniis,^ tic. are, as w'e have faid, tran- fcribcd from Irenaetts; though I know not from w'hat part. I believe one of the author’s defigns was, to fet curious men a hunt- ing through indexes, and inquiring for book.s out of the com- mon road. Sea. XI. A rale of a TUB, I4‘9 on Inch an accident, come ^X'llell it will, I (hall beg my reader’s favour and company, allowing me to. conduct him through it along with myfelf. For in writings it is as in travelling ; if a man is in hafte to be at home, (which I acknowlege to be none of my cafe, having never fo lit- tle bufinefs as when I am there), if his horfe be tired with long riding and ill ways, or be naturally a jade, I advife him clearly to make the hraiteft and the commoneft road, be it ever fo dirty. But then, furely, we miifl own fuch n man to be a fcurvy companion at beft : he /patters him-^ fclf and his fellow-travellers at every ftep; all their thoughts, and wifhes, and converfation turn entirely up- on the fubjed of their journey’s end ; and at every fplalh, and plunge, and ftumbie, they heartily wdfti one another at the devil. On the other fide, when a traveller and his horfe ate in heart and plight ; when his purfe is full, and the day before him ; he takes the rod only where it is clean or convenient; entertains his company there as agreeably as he can: but, upon the firft occafion, carries them a- long with him to every delightful fcene in view, 'whe- ther of art, of nature, or of both; and if they chance to refufe out of fiupidity or wearinefs, let them jog on by themfelves, and be d n’d. He’ll overtake them at tho next town : at which arriving, he rides furioufly through • the men, w^omen, and children run out to gaze; a hun- dred noify curs (a) run larking after him ; of which if he honours the boldell: with a lafh of his ’whipy it is rather out of fport than revenge : but fliould fome fourer mong-. rel dare too near an approach, he receives a faliite on the chaps, by an accidental ftroke from the courfer’s heels, (nor is any ground lofl by the blow), which fends hini yelping and limping home. In') By thefe are meant vehal the author cal's the true critics^ p. as,. 150 ATaleGfarUB. I now proceed to Turn up the fingular adventures of my renowned Jack; the date of whofe difpofitions and . fortunes the careful reader does, no doubt, moll exa^dy j remember, as I laft parted with them in the conclufion , of a former fedion. Therefore his next care muft be, • from two of the foregoing, to extradl a fehemeofnotions that may bell fit Ins iinderffanding for a true relifii of .• what IS to enfue. Jack had not only calculated the frft revolution of < his brain fo prudently, as to give rife to that epidemic fedi of JEoliJlsj but fiicceeding alfo into a new and flrange ■ variety of conceptions, the fruitfulnefs of his imagina- tion led him into certain notions, which, although in appearance very unaccountable, were not without their . myfleries and their meanings, nor wanted followers to countenance and improve them. I fhall therefore be ex- tremely careful and cxacl: in recounting fuch material pafTages of this nature, as I have been able to coiledl, either from undoubted tradition, or indefatigable read- ing; and fltall deferibe them as graphically as it is pof- fible, and as far as notions of that height and latitude can be brought within the compafs of a pen. Nor do 1 I at all queflion, but they will furnifh plenty of noble i matter for fuch, whofe converting imaginations dlfpofe i them to reduce all things into types; w'ho can make /^;7- c^owSy no thanks to the fun ; and then mold them into fubflances, no thanks to philofophy; w'hofe peculiar ta- lent lies in fixing tropes and allegories to the letter, and rcHning what is literal into figure and myfiery. Jack had provided a fair copy of his father’s twY/, ingrofTcd in form upon a large fxin of parchment; and refolving to a^l the part of a mofl dutiful fon, he became the fondefl; creature of it imaginable. For ahhongh, as 1 have often told the reader, it conflfted wholly in cer- , tain plain cafy diredions about the management and wearing of their coats, w'ith legacies and penalties in cafe Sea. XL A Tale of a TUB, 15! of obedience or neglecT:; yet he began to entertain a fan- cy, that the matter was deeper and darker ^ and therefore muft needs have a great deal more of my ftcry at the bot- tom. “ Gentlemen, (faid he), I will prove this very “ Ikin of parchment to be meat, drink, and cloth; to be the philofopher’s ftone, and the univerfal medicine.’^ In confequence of which raptures, he refolved to make nfe of It in the mod; necelTary, as well as the mod pal- try occafions of life {a). He had a way of working it into any diape he pleafed ; fo that it ferved him for a night-cap when he went to bed, and for an umbrello in rainy weather. He would lap a piece of it about a fore toe ; or w'hen he had fits, burn two inches under his nofe ; or if any thing lay heavy on his domach, ferape off, and fwallovv as much of the powder as would lie on a diver penny: they were all infallible remedies. With analo- gy to thefe refinements, his common talk and converfa- tion ran wholly on the phrafe of his will and hecir- cumferibed the utmod of his eloquence within that com- pafs, not daring to let dip a fyliable without authority from thence. Once at a drange houfe he was fuddenly taken diort, upon an urgent jundure, whereon it may not be allowed too particularly to dilate ; and being not abletocallto mind, with that fuddennefs the occafion re- quired, an authentic phrafe for demanding the way to the back-fide ; he chofe rather, as the more prudent courfe, to incur the penalty in fuch cafes ufually annexed. Nei- ther was it polTible for the united rhetoric of mankind (rt) The author here lathes thofe pretenders to pnrit}’-, who place fo much merit in ufing feripture-phrafe on all occafions. {h) The Protcjlant dijj'eiiien ufe fcnpturc-phrnfcs in their fc- rious cirfeourfes and compofures more than the church-of-Eng- land men ; accordingly jack is introduced, making his common talk and convcrfaiioti to tun wholly in thophrafe of his \VT1-L. 152 A "fate of a TUB. to prevail him to make himfelf clean agaih 5 becaule, having confulted the will upon this emergency, he met with a pafTage near the bottom (whether foiiled in by the . tranferiber, is not known) which Teemed tc forbid it {a). He made it a part of his religion, never to fay grace to his meat (^) ; nor could all the world perfuade him, as the edmmon phrafe is, to eat his viduais like a Chn~ jl 'tan (c). He bore a flrange kind of appetite to fnap-d'ragon (^), and to the livid fniiffs of a burning candle; which he 1 would catch and fwallow with an agility wonderful to ! conceive ; and, by this procedure, m.aintained a perpe- 1 tual flame in his belly ; which ifluing in a glowing fleam \ from both his eyes, as well as his noflrils, and his mouth, I made his head appear, in a dark night, like the flmll of ( an afs, wherein a roguifli boy had conveyed a farthing 1 candle, to the terror of his Majefy's liege fukjeBs. There- fore he made ufe of no other expedient to light himfelf ' home; but was wont to fay, that a ’wife man ’was his own lanthorn. He would fhut his eye's as he walked along theflreets ; \ and if he happened to bounce his head againfl a pofl, or ; fall into the kennel, (as he feldom miffed either to do I one or both), he would tell the gibing prentices, who i looked on, that he fubmitted witfl entire refignation, i ( driven from a honey-pof will !| immediately with very good appetite alight, and finiPn his ^ meai on an excrement, | I liave one word to fay upon the fobjeed of profound | venters, who are grown very numerous of late; and I j know very well the judicious world is refoJved tolifi: me in that number. I conceive therefore, as to the biifinefs of being profound, that it is with o.Driters, as with vuells ; a perfon with good eves may fee to the bottom of the deepcll:, provided any venter be there ; and that often when there is nothing in the world at the bottom, befides dri- uefs and dirt, though it b-e but a yard and half under ground, it fhall pafs however for wondrous deep, upon no wifer a rcafon than becaufe it is wonefrous dark. I am now trying an experiment very frequent among modern authors; v/hich is, to veriteupon nothing : when the fubjedl: is utterly exhauued, to let the pen Bill move on ; by fome called, the gholl of wit, delighting to walk after the death of its body. And to fay the truth, there feems to be no part of kno’wlege in fewer hands, than that of difeerning when to have done. By the time that an author has writ out a ’nook, he and his readers are become old acquaintance, and grow very loth to part; fo that I have fometimes known it to be in writing, as *the Conclufott, 1 6 $ in V 7 fitln]T, where the ceremony of taking leave has em- ployee! more time than the whole converfation before. The condnfion of a treatile refembles the conclvifion of heman life, which liath fometimes been compared to the end of a feaft ; where few are fatished to depart, nt pien- us vita tonvha : for men will lit down after the fulleft meal, though it be only to doze^ or to feep out the reft of the day. But, in this latter, I differ extremely from other writers; and fhall be too proud, if by all my la- bours I can have any w^ays contributed to the rspo/e of . mankind in times fo turbulent and unquiet as thefe (^7). iS'cIther do I think Rich an employment fo very alien from the office of auv/, as fome would fuppofe. For among very polite nation in Greece there W'ere the fame temples built and confccrated to Sleep and the MufeSy between which two deities they believed theftridleftfriend- fnip was eftablilhecl. I have one concluding favour to requeft of my reader. That he will not expedt to be equally diverted and in- formed by every line or every page of this chfeourfe; but give fome allowance to the author’s fpleen, and Ihortlits or intervals of dulnefs, as w'cll as hisown; and lay it fe- rioully to his confcience, whether, if he were walking the ftreets in dirty weather or a rainy day, he would allow it fair dealing in folks at their eafe from a window, to critic his gate, and ridicule his drefs at fiich a jundture. In my dirpofnre of employments of the brain, I have thought fit to make hroention\S\zmajlcr, and to give me- thjd and reajhn the office of its lacqueys. The caufe of this diftrlbution was, from obferving ifmy peculiar cafe, to be often under a temptation of being w/V/y, upon oc- cafion where I could be neither 'wife nor founa\ nor any thing to the matter in hand. And I am too much a fer- {a) This was writ before the. peace of Rj/fivick. [* Trezenii, Faujait. 1. i.j i66 ATaleofarUB, vant of the modern way, to neglect any fuch opportuni- ties, whatever pains or improprieties I may be at, to in- troduce them. For I have obferved, that from a labo- rious colle(flion of feven hundred thirty flowers and |j pining hints of the bert modern authors, digehed with great |l reading into my book of common places, I have not been ] able, after five years, to draw, hook, or force into com- mon converfation, any more than a dozen. Of which dozen, the one moiety failed of fuccefs, by being drop- ; ed among unfuitable company; and the other cofl me i fo many ftrains, and traps, and ctmbages to introduce, that I at length refolved to give it over. Now, this dif- appointment, (todifcover a fecret), Imufl own gave me the firfihint of fetting np for an author ; and I have fince found among fome particular friends, that it is become a very general complaint, and has produced the fame ef- feds upon many others. For I have remarked many a towardly word to be wholly neglected or defpifed in dif- courfe, which hath pafied very fmoothly, with fome con- • fideration and efteem, after its preferment and fan^Sion i in print. But now, fince, by the liberty and encourage- j mentof the prefs, I am grown abfolute mailer of the oc- j cafions and opportunities to expofe the talents I have j acquired, I already difcover, that the ifliies of my obfcr-- \ vanda begin to grow too large for the receipts. There- fore I lliall here paufe a while, till I find, by feeling the world’s pulfe, and my own, that it will be of abfolute uecelTity for us both to refumc my pen. Full and True ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE Fought laft F R I D AT^ BETWEEN The Ancient and the Modern BOOKS I N St. JAMES’S Library. THE BOOKSELLER TO THE READER. H E following difconrfe, as it is unqueflionably of the fame author, fo it feems to have been writ- ten about the fame time with the former; I mean the year 1697, when the famous difpute Was on foot, about ancient and modern learning. The controverfy took its rife from an effay of Sir William Temple's upon that Tub* jefl; which was anfwered by V/. Wottoitj B. D. with an appendix by Dr. Bentley, endeavouring to deflroy tlie credit of JEfop and Phalaris^ for authors, whom Sir WiU Ham Temple had, in the elfiy before mentioned, highly commended. . In that appendix, the dodor falls hard up- on a new edition of Phalaris^ put out by the Honour- able Charles Boyle, now Earl of Orrery; to which Mr, Boyle replied at large with great learning and wit; and the Dodor voluminoufly rejoined. In this difpute, the town highly refented to (ee a perfon of Sir P/illiam Tem^ pWs character and merits roughly ufed by the two Re- verend Gentlemen aforefaid, and without any manner of provocation. At length, there appearing no end of the quarrel, our author tells us, that the BOOKS in St. James's library, looking upon themfelves as parties prin- cipally concerned, took up the controverfy, and came V 1 70 The Bookfeller to the Reader, to a dccifive battle; but the manufcript, by the injury of fortune, or weather, being in feveral places imperfedt^ we cannot learn to which fide the victory fell. 1 I mufl: warn the reader, to beware of applying to per- fons, what is here meant only of books in the moft lite- ral fenfe. So, when Virgil is mentioned, we are not to underftand the perfon of a famous poet called by that name ; but only certain flieets of paper, bound up in lea- ther, containing in print the works of thefaid poet: and fo of tlae reft. THE PREFACE OF THE AUTHOR. \4T IR E is a fort of glafs^ wherein beholders dogene^ ^ rally difcover every hodf s face hut their owns which is the chief reafon for that kind reception it meets in the world, and that fo very few are offended with it. But if it ffould happen otherwife, the danger is not great ; and I have learned from long experience, never to apprehend miff chief from thofe under (landings 1 have been able to provoke. For anger and fury, though they add flrength to the linews cf the ho^y, yet are found to relax thofe of the mind, and to render all its efforts feeble and impotent. There is a brain that luill endure but one ftnmmiiig; let the owner gather it with diferetion, and manage his lit- tle flock with husbandry. But of all things let him be- ware of bringing it under the lafli of his betters ; hecaufe that will make it all bubble up into impertinence, and he will find no new flipply : Wit without knowlege being a fort of cream, which gathers in a night to the top, and by a (kil- ful hand may be foon whipt into frotli ; hut once feummed away, what appears underneath, will befit for nothing, but to be thrown to the hogs. Y 2 .1 A Full and True ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE Fought lafl: F KID etc. HOEVER examines with dire circnnnrpeclion Y V into the annual records of Time, will find it re- marked, that War is the child of Pride, and Pride the daugh- ter of Riches The former of which allertions may be foon granted; but one cannot fo eafily fubferibe to the latter. For Pride is nearly related to Beggary and Want, either by father or mother, and foraetimes by both : and, to fpeak naturally, it very feldcm happens among men to fall out, when all have enough ; invafions iifually tra- velling from north to fouth, that is to lay, from po'verty upon plenty. The mod ancient and natural grounds of :juarrcls, are Lift and Avarice', which, though we may ” ' ’ ’ ’lateral branches of PnV,?, arc For, to fpeak in the phrafe [* Richefi prcduceth Pridei Pride is War’s ground, etc. Vid, ' Lf.’cni. dc Mar^ Clark, opt. edit.] 174 battle of the hooks. of writers upon the politics, we may obferve in the re- public of Dogs, (which in its original feems to be an in- ftitution of the many), that the whole ftate is ever in the profoundeft peace, after a full meal; and that civil broils arife among them, when it happens for one great hone to be feized' on by fome leading dog, v/ho either divides it among the few, and then it falls to an oligarchy; or keeps it to himfelf, and then it runs up to a tyranny. The fame reafoning alfo holds place among them, in thofe dilTenllons we behold upon a turgefcency in any of their females. For, the right of polTeffion lying in common, (it being impoffible to efcablifh a property in fo delicate a cafe), jealouftes and fufpicions do fo abound, that the whole commonwealth of that ftrect is reduced to a ma- nifed: fate of war, of every citizen againft tvtry.citizcn , till fome one of more courage, condudl, or fortune than the reft, feizes and enjoys the prize; upon which natu- rally arifes plenty of heart-burning, and envy, and fnarl- ing againft the ha^Py dog. Again, if we look upon ar^ of thefe republics engaged in a foreign war, either of in- vafion or defence, we fliali find the fame reafoning will (erve, as to the grounds and occafions of each ; and that Poverty, or Want, in fome degree or other, (whether real, or in opinion, which makes no alteration in the cafe), has a great fhare, as well as Pride, on the part of the aggreffor. Now, whoever will pleafe to take this fcheme, and ei- ther reduce or adapt it to an intelleflual ftate, or com- monwealth of learning, will foondifeover the firft ground of difagreement between the two great parties at this time in arms; and may form juft conclufions upon the merits of either caufe. But the iffue or events of this war are not fo eafy to conjecture at: for the prefent quarrel is fo inflamed by the warm heads of either faClion, and the pretenfions fomevekere or other fo exorbitant, as not to admit the leaf! overtures of accommodation. This The battle of the hooks, 1 75 qparrel firft began (as I have heard it affirmed by an old dweller in the neighbourhood) about a fmall fpot of ground, lying and being upon one of the two tops of the hill Parnajfiu ; the highcft and largeft of which had, it Teems, been, time out of mind, in quiet poiTeffion of cer* tain tenants called the Ancients ; and the other was held by the Moderns. But thefe difliking their prefent ftation, feiit certain ambaffiadors to the Ancients y complaining of a great nufance, how the height of that part of Parnaf fits quite fpoilcd the profped: oftheirs,efpecia}ly towards • the enjl ; and therefore, to avoid a war, offered them the choice of this alternative, Either that the Ancients would pleafe to remove themfelvesand their effecfls down to the lower fummity, which the Moderns would gra- cioufly furrender to them, and advance in their place ; or elfe, that the faid Ancients will give leave to the Mo- derns y to come with (hovels and mattocks, and level the faid hill as low as they (hall think it convenient. To which the Ancients made anfwer, How little they expe- lled fuch a meflage as this, from a colony whom they had admitted, out of their own free grace, to (b near a neighbourhood : That as to their own feat, they w'ere Aborigines of it; and therefore to talk with them of a re- moval or furrender, was a language they did not nnder- ftand : That if the height of the hill on their fide (hort- ened the profpefl of the Moderns y it was a difadvantage they could not help; but defired them to confider, whe- I ther that injury, if it be any, were not largely recom- penfed by the jhade and fhelter it afforded them : That as to the levelling or digging down, it was either folly or ignorance to propofe it, if they did, or did not know, bow that fide of the hill was an entire rock, which would break their tools and hearts without any damage to it- Iclf: That they would therefore advile the Moderns y ra- ther to raife their own fide, of the hill, than dream of prilling down that of the Ancients s to the former of I 176 Th^ battle of the hooks. which the}?- would not only give licence, but alfo lafg^* ly contribute. All this was rcjecled by the Moderns^ with much indignation; who iliil infifted upon one of ' the two expedients. And fo this difference broke out • into a long and obflinate War; maintained on the one n part by refoiutlon, and by the courage of certain leaders - and allies; but on the other, by the greatnefs of their ; number, upon all defeats affording continual recruits. ; In this quarrel, whole rivulets of Ink have been exhaud- - ed, and the virulence of both parties enormoufly aug- • mented. Now, it muft here be underflood, that ink is ■ the great miffive weapon in all battles of the learned, j which conveyed through a fort of engine called a quill, infinite numbers of thefe are darted at the enemy, by the \ valiant on each fide, with equal lldll and violence, as if | it were an engagement of porcupines. This malignant J liquor v/as compounded by the engineer who invented | it, of two ingredients, which are gall and copperas; by j its bitternefs and venom, to fuit in fome degree, as well as to foment the genius of the combatants. And as the ^ Grecians, after an engagement, when they could not a- 'i gree about the vidtory, were wont to fet up trophies on i both fides ; the beaten party being content to be at the 1 fame expence, to keep itfelf in countenance, (a laudable * ■ and ancient cuftom, happily revived of late in the art of war); fo the learned, after a fliarp and bloody difpute, do on both fides hang out their trophies too, which- ever comes by the worft. Thefe trophies have largely inferibed on them the merits of the canfe; a full impar- tial account of fuch a battle, and how the vi< 51 ory fell clearly to the party that fet them up. They are known to the world under feveral names ; as, Difpiites, Argu- ments, Rejoinders, Brief Con fiderations , Anfivers, Replies, Remarks, Reflexions, Objections, Corfiitatious. For a ve- ry few days they are fixed up in all public places, either T‘he battle of the hooks. 177 by themfclves or their reprefentatives *, for pafTciigcrs to gaze at : from whence the chiefefl: and largefl are re*- moved to certain magazines they call iihranesy there to remain in a quarter purpofely affigned them, and from thenceforth begin to be called hooks of controverf. In thefe books is wonderfully inflHlcd, and preferved, the fpirit of each warrior, while he is alive; and after his death, his foul tranfmigrates there, to inform them. This, at lead, is the more common opinion. But I be- lieve, it is with libraries as with other ccemeteries, where fome philofophers affirm, that a certain fpirit, which they call hnitiun homhuSy hovers over the monument, till the body is corrupted, and turns to d«// or to ’worms y but then vaniffics or dilTolves ; fo we may fay, a relllefs fpirit haunts over every hooky till duj} or ’worms have feized upon it ; which to fome may happen in a few days, but to others later. And therefore) hooh.s of controverfy, being of all others haunted by the moft diforderly fpirits, have al- ways been confined in a feparate lodge from the reft ; and for fear of mutual violence againfl; each other, it was thought prudent by our anceftors, to bind them to the peace with ftrong iron chains. Of which invention the original occaGon was this. When the works of Scotus Grft came out, they were carried to a certain great libra- ry, and had lodgings appointed them; but this author was no fooner fettled,, than he went to viGt his maGer Ariftotley and there both concerted together, to feizeP/^- to by main force, and turn him out from his ancient Ga- iron among the dmnesy where he had peaceably dwelt near eight hundred years. The attempt fucceeded, and the two ufurpers have reigned ever Gnce in his Gead. But to maintain quiet for the future, it was decreed, that all polemics of the larger Gze ffiould be held fiiG with a chain. [* Their title-page?.] z j/S The battle of the hooks > By this expedient, the public peace of libraries rhight . Certainly have been preferved, if a new fpecies of con- troverfial books had not arofe of late yearsj inftiridl with a moft malignant fpifit, from the war above mentioned, between the learned^ about the higher fummity of Par- ti ajfia. ■ When thefe books were firft admitted into the public libraries, I femeriaber to have faid upon occafion, to fe- vera! perfons concerned, how I was fure they would create broils where-ever they came, unlefs a v/orld of care were taken ; and therefore I advifed, that the cham- pions of each fide fhouid be coupled together, or other- wife mixed, that, like the blending of contrary poifons^ their malignity might be employed among themfelves. And it feemS I was neither an ill prophet, nor an il! counfeilor 5 for it was nothing elfebut the negled of this caution which gave occalion to the terrible fight that happened on Frif/tf; laft between the Ancient ^vAModa'n books in the King's library. NOw, becaufe the talk of this battle is fo frefli in every body’s mouthy and the' expedtation of the town fo great, to he informed in the particulars; I being poiTelTed of all (|ualifications requi- lite in an hiftorlauj and retained by neither party, have refolved to comply with the urgent imp'ortunity of niy friends y by writing down a full impartial account there- of. The guardian of the regal library y a perfon of great valour, but chiefly renowned for his humanity *, had been a fierce champion for the Moderns ; and,- in an engage- ment upon PanwfliSy h^^A vowed, with his own hands to knock down two of the: Ancient chiefs, W'ho guarded a finall pafs on the faperior rock: but erideavouring to * The Honomable Mr. Boyle, in the preface to his edition of Phalaris, fays, he was refufed a msuufeript by the library- keeper, pro JoUia bimamlatc fra. The battle q/ the hooks, 179 climb up, was cruelly obftrufted by his own unhappy weight, and tendency towards his centre: A quality to which thofe of the Modem party are extreme fubj eel : for being light-headed, they have in fpecuiation a wonder- ful agility, and conceive nothing too high for them to mount; but in reducing to praflice, difeover a mighty prelfure about their pofteriors and their heels. Having thus failed in his defign, the difappointed champion bore a cruel rancour to the Ancients ; which he refolved to gratify, by fhewing all marks of his favour to the books of their adverfaries, and lodging them in the fairefl; a- partments; when at the fame time, whatever hook had the boldnefs to own itfelf for an advocate of the Ancients, was buried alive in fome obfeure corner, and threaten- ed, upon the leaft difpleafure, to be turned out of doors, Befides, it fo happened, that about this time there was a ftrange confufion of place among ail the hooks in the library ; for which feveral reafons were affigned. Some imputed it to a great heap of learned dujl, which a per- verfe wind blew off from a Ihelfof Moderns into the keep- er's eyes. Others affirmed he had a humour to pick the ’worms out of the fchoolmen, and fwallow them freffi and fading ; whereoffome fell upon his fpleen, and fome climb- ed up into his head, to the great perturbation of both. And, laftly, others maintained, that, by walking much in the dark about the library, he had quite loft the fitu- ation of it out of his head; and therefore, in replacing his books, he was apt to miftakc, and clap Des Cartes next to Ariftotle', poor Plato had got between Hobbes and the Seven wife mailers ; and Virgil was hemmed in, with Dryden on one fide, and IVlthcrs on the other. Mean while, thofe books that were advocates for the Moderns, chofe out one from among them, to make a progrefs through the whole library, examine the number and ftrengthoftheir party, and concert their affairs. This meffenger performed all things very induftrioufiy, and Z 2 1 8 o The battle of the books. brought back with him a lift of their forces, in ^11 fifty thoufancl, confifting chiefly of light hotjey heavy -armed footy and mercenaries : whereof the foe* were in general but forrily armed, and worfeclad ' their horfes large, but extremely out of cafe and heart. However, fome few, by trading among the Ancients y hadfurniftied themfelves tolerably enough. While things were in this ferment, Difeord grew ex- tremely high, hot words palTed on both fides, and ill blood was plentifully bred. Here a folitary Ancienty ft]ueczed up among a whole flielf of Moderns y offered fair- ly to difpute the cafe, and to prove, by manifeft reafons, that the priority was due to them, from long polTeffion, and in regard of their prudence, antiquity, and, above all, their great merits towards the Moderns. But thefe denied the premiffes ; and feemed very much to wonder, how the Ancients could pretend to inflft upon their an- tiquity, when it was fo plain, (if they went to that), that the Moderns were much the more Ancient of the two. As for any obligations they owed to the Ancients, they renounced them ail. It is true, (faid they), we are in- formed, fome few of our party have been fo mean to *'■’ borrow their fubfiftence from you. But the reft, in- finitely the greater number, (and erpecially vje French and Engli/h'), were fo far from {looping to fo bafe an example, that there never pafled, till this very hour, fix w'ords between us. i'or our horfes areofourownbreed- ing, our arms of our own forging, and our cloths of our own cutting out and fewing.’’ Plato was by chance upon the next fheif, and obferving thofe that fpoke to be in the ragged plight mentioned a while ago; their Julies lean and foundered, their vceapofis of rotten wood, their armour nifty, and nothing but rags underneath ; he According to the modern paradox.] *The hatile of the hooks, 1 8 1 laughed loud, and, in his pleafant way, fv;ore, By G , he believed them. Now, the Modems had not proceeded in their late ne- gotiation with fecrecy enough to efcape the notice of the enemy. For thofe advocates who had begun the quar- rel by fetting (irfl: on foot the difpute of precedency, talk- ed fo loud of coming to a battle, that Temple happened to overhear them, and gave immediate intelligence to the Ancients; who thereupon drew up their fcattered troops together, refolving to a< 5 t upon the defenfive. Upon which feveral of the Modems fled over to their party, and among the reft Temple himfelf. This Temple having been educated and long converfed among the Ancients, was, of all the Modems, their greateft favourite, and be- <:ame their greateft champion. Things were at this crifis, when a material accident fell out. For, upon the higheft corner of a large win- dow, there dwelt a certain fwoln up to the firft magnitude by the deftrudlion of infinite numbers of flies, whofe fpoils lay fcattered before the gates of bis palace, like human bones before the cave of fome giant. The avenues to his caftle were guarded with turnpikes and palifadoes, all after the Modern way of fortification. After you had pafted feveral courts, you came to the centre, wherein you might behold the conftable himfelf in his own lodgings, which had windows fronting toeach avenue, and ports to fally out upon all occafions of prey or defence. In this manfion he had for fome time dwelt in peace and plenty, without danger to his perfon by fivalbws from above, or to bis palace by brooms from be- low; w'hen it w'as the pleafure of Fortune to condud thi- ther a wandering bee, to whofe curlofity a broken pane in the glafs had difeovered itfelf, and in he went; where expatiating a while, he at laft happened to alight upon one of the outw'ard walls of the fpidebs citadel; which, yielding to the unequal Aveight, funk down to the very x 82 The batik of the hooks, foundation. Thrice he endeavoured to force his paflage, and thrice the centre fhook. Thefpider within, feeling the terrible convulfion, fuppofed, at firft, that Nature was approaching to her final diffolution ; or elfe, that Beelzebuby with all his legions, was come to revenge the death of many thoufands of his fubjeds, whom this e- nemy had flain and devoured. However, he, at length, valiantly refolved to iflTue forth and meet his fate. Mean while the bee had acquitted himfelfof his toils, and, poll- ed fecurely at Ibme diftance, was employed in cleanfing his wings, and difengaging them from the ragged rem- nants of the cobweb. By this time the fpider was ad- ventured out; when, beholding the chafms, the ruins and dilapidations of his fortrefs, he was very near at his v/it’s end. He ftormed and fwore like a madman, and fwelled till he was ready to burft. At length, calling his eyeupon the bee, and wifely gathering caules from evejits, (for they knew each other by fight), A plague fplit you (faid he) for a giddy fon of a whore. Is it you, with a vengeance, that have made this litter here ? Could not you look before you, and be d — n’d ? Do you think I have nothing elfe to do, (in the devil’s name), but to mend and repair after your arfe ?’* Good words, friend, (faid the bee^ having now prun- ed hirafelf, and being difpofed to drole) ; I will give you my hand and word to come near your kennel no more: I was never in fuch a confounded pickle fince I was born.” Sirrah, (replied the fptder\ if it were not for breaking an old cullom in our family, never to fiir abroad againll an enemy, I fiiould come and teach you better manners.” I pray have patience, (faid the bee)^ or you will fpend your fubllance ; and, for ought I fee, you may Hand in need of it all towards the repair of your houfe.” Rogue! Rogue! (replied the fpider') % yetmethinks you Ihould have more re- fped; to a perlbn, whom all the world allows to be fo. The battle of the hobks, 183 ** much your betters.” By my troth, (raid the hee)^ “ the comparifon will amount to a very good jefl: ; and you will do me a favour, to let me know the reafons that “ all the world is pleafed to ufe in fo hopeful a difpute.” At this, the fpider^ having fwelled himfelf into the fize and pofture of a difpOtaht, began his argument in the true Ipirit of controvetfy, with a refolution to be hearti- ly fcurrilous and angry ; to urge on his own reafons^ without the lead regard to the anfwers or objeftions of his oppofite ; aiid fully pre-determined in his mind againft all convidion. “ Not to difparage myfelf (faid he) by the compari- fon with fueh a rafcal, what art thOu but a vagabond^ without houle or home, without dock or inheritance ; born to no polTefTion of your own, bat a pair of wings and a drone-pipe ? Your livelihood is an univerfal plunder upon nature; a freebooter over fields and gar- dens ; and, for the fake of ftealihg, will rob a nettle as readily as a violet. Whereas I am a domeftic ani- mal, furnifhed with a native Bock within myfelf. This large cafile (to Ihew my improvement in the mathe- matics) is all built with my own hands, and the ma* terials extruded altogether Out of my own perfon.” ‘‘ I am glad (anfwered the hee) to hear you grant at leaft, that I am come honehly by my wings and my voice : for then, it feems, I am obliged to heaven a- ‘‘ lone for my flights and my mufic ; and providence would never have beftowed on me two fuch gifts, without “ defigning them for the noblefl ends. I vifit indeed all the flowers and blolfoms of the field and the garden : ** but whatever I colled from thence, enriches rnyfelf, without the leaft injury to their beauty, their fmell, or* their tafte. Now', for you, and your fldll in architc- “ dure and other mathematics, I have little to fay. In that building of your’s, there might, for ought I know, “ have been labour and method enough \ but, by woful 1 84 The battle of the books ^ eJiperiencc for us both, it is too plain, the materials “ are nought ; and I hope you will henceforth take warn- ing, and confider duration and matter, as well as nie- thod and art* You boaft indeed of being obliged to i no other creature, but of drawing and fpinning out all ! from yourfelf; that is to fay, if we may judge of the liquor in the velTcl by what iffues out, you pofTefs a ! “ good plentiful (lore of dirt and poifon in your breaft. And though I would by no means lelTen or difparag.e “ your genuine ftock of either, yet, I doubt, you are fomewhat obliged for an increafe of boUi to a little fo- reign affiftance* Your inherent portion of dirt does not ' fail of acquihtions, by fweepings exhaled from below ; ** and one infefl furnilhes you with a (hare of poifon to deftroy another. So that, in fliort, the queflion comes I ** all to tills. Whether is the nobler being of the two, that which, by a lazy contemplation of four inches round, by an overweening pride, which, feeding and engendering on itfelf, turns all into excrement and venom, producing nothing at all, but fly-bane and a cobweb; or that, which, by an nniverfal range, with long fearch, much ftudy, true judgment^ and diftindion of things, brings home honey and wax?” I'his difpute was managed with fuch eagernefs, cla- mour, and warmth, that the two parties of books in arms below, flood fiient a while, W'aiting in fufpence what would be the ifliie. Which was not long undetermined : for the bee, grown impatient at fo much lofs of time, fled flraight away to a bed of rofes, without looking for a reply; and left the fpider, like an orator colleBed in him- felf, and jufl prepared to burft out. i It happened upon this emergency, that IRfop broke fi- Icnce flrfl. He had been of late mofl barbaroufly treat- ed by a flrange cfTed of the Fe^^eut’s humanity, w'ho had torn off his title-page, forely defaced one half of his leaves, and chained him fafl among a fliclf oi Moderns. Where ! foon i The battle of the books, 185 foon difcovering bow high the quarrel was like to pro- ceed, he tried all his arts, and turned himfelf to a thon- fand forms. At length, in the borrowed fhape of an afy the miftook him for a Modern; by which means, he had time and opportunity to efcape to the AntientSy jail when the fpider and the bee were entering into their contelf : to which he gave his attention with a world of pleafure ; and w-hen it was ended, fwore in the loudeft key, that, in all his life, he had never known two cafes lb parallel and adapt to each other, as that in the win- dow, and this upon the (helves. The difputants (faid he) have admirably managed the difpute between them, have taken in the full ftrength of all that is to be faid on both fldes, and exhaufted the fiibftance of every ar- gument pro and con. It is but to adjuft the reafonings of both to the prefent quarrel, then to compare and apply the labours and fruits of each, as the bee has learn - ediy deduced them; and we fliall find the cooclufion fall plain and clofenpon the Moderns and us. For pray. Gentlemen, was ever any thing fo modern as the fpider ^ in his air, his turns, and his paradoxes ? He argues in the behalf of/w his brethren, and himfelf, with many boaftings of his native fiock, and great genius; that he fpins and fpits wholly from himfelf, and fcorns to own any obligation or affiftance from without. Then he difplays to you his great ildll in architeiliire, and improvement in the mathematics. To all this, the bee^ as an advocate retained by us thfe AntientSy thinks fit to anfwer, That if one may judge of the great genius or inventions of the Moderns y by what they have pro- duced, you will hardly have countenance to bear you out in bonding of cither. Eredl your fchemes v/ith as much method and fifill as you plcafe ; yet if the ma- terials be nothing but dirt, fpiin out of your own in- trails, (the guts of modern brains), the edifice will con- elude at lad in a cobivcb ; the duration of which, like A a i86 ?7;£’ battle of the booku ** that of other fpider's webs, may be imputed to their being begotten, or negleded, or hid in a corner. For any thing elfe of genuine that the Moderm may pre- tend to, I cannot recolk^l ; unlefs it be a large vein of wrangling and fa tire, much of a nature and fubftance with tlie fpiders poifon ; which ^ however, they pre- tend to fpit wholly out of themfelves, is improved by ‘‘ the fame arts, by feeding upon the infeBs and vermin of the age i As for iis the Ancients^ we aire content ‘‘ with the hee to pretend to nothing of our own, beyond Our vjtngs and our voice; that is to fay, our fights and ‘‘ our language. For the reftj whatever we have got, has been by infinite labour and fearch, and ranging through every corner of nature. The difference is, that inftead of dirt and poifon, we have rather chofe to fill ouif hives v/ith honey and loax; thus furnifhing mankind with the two noblefl of things, which zxt, fweetnefs « and light It is wonderful to conceive the tUmult arifefi among the hooks ^ upon the clofe of this long defcant of Mfop ; both parties took the hint, and heightened their animo- fities fo on a fildden, that they refolved it fhould come to a battle* Immediately the two main bodies withdrew under their feveral enfigns, to the farther parts of the li^ brary, and there entered into cabals and confults upon the prefent emergency* The Moderns were in very warm debates upon the choice of their leaders; and nothing iefs than the fear impending from their enemies, could have kept them from mutinies upon this occafion. The difference was greateft among the horfc, where every pri- vate trooper pretended to the chief command, from 'Taf- fo and Milton; to Dryden and JVlthers. The lightAorfe were commanded by Cowley and Defpreaux. There came the bowmen under their valiant leaders, Des Cartes^ Gaf- fcndl, and Hobbes ; whofe flrengfh was fueh, that they could ffioot their arrows beyond the atmofphere, never to The battle of the booh . 187 fall down again, but turn, like that of EvandeVy into me- tears y or, like the cannon-hcilly mio flars. Par ace! fits brought a fquadron of flink-pot-fliugers from thefnowy mountains of Rcetta. There came a vaft body of dragoons of dif- ferent nations, under the leading oi Harvey y their great Aga; part armed with feythesy the weapons of death; part with lances and \oTL\gkniveSy all fteeped in poifon ; part (hot bullets of a moft malignant nature, and ufed ivhite powdery which infallibly killed without reports There came feveral bodies of heavy-armed footy all mercenaries , under the enfigns of Guicciardincy DavilUy Polydore Vir- gil y Buck anally Marianay Camdeiiy and others. The en- gineers were commanded by Regiomontanus and Wilkins, The reft were a confuled multitude, led by Scot us y Aqui- nas y and Bellarmine ; of mighty bulk and ftature, but with- out either arms, courage, or difeipline. In the laft place, came infinite fwarms oicalones (iz), a diforderly rout led by VEflrange; rogues and raggamuffins, that follow the camp for nothing but the plunder ; all without coats to cover them. The army of the Ancients was much fewer in num- ber. Homer led the horfey and Pindar the Hght-horfe ; Euclid was chae^ engineer ; Plato ClwA Arijlotle commixnd- ed the bowmen; Herodotus and Livy the foot ; Hippocrates the dragoons; the allies led by Vojfiusy and Temple brought up the rear. All things violently tending to a decifive battle, Famcy who much frequented, and had a large appartment for- merly afligned her in the regal library y fled up ftrait to ’Jupiter y to whom flie delivered a faithful account of all that pafted between the two parties below. (For, among the gods, (he always tells truth.) JovCy in great con- cern, convokes a^council in the Milky Way. The fenate aflTembled ; he declares the occafion of conveening them ; (a) Theft are pamphlets which are not bound or covered^. A a 2 i88 'The battle of the books. a bloocjy battle jiift impendent between two mighty ar- mies of Ancient and Modern creatures, called books, where- in the celelHal intereft was but too deeply concerned. Momiis, the patron of the Moderns, made an excellent fpeech in their favour; which was anfwered by Pallcis, the prote^refs of the Ancients. Theafiembly was divid- ed in their alTedions ; when Jupiter covcimdindt A the book, of Fate to be laid before him. Immediately were brought by Mercury, three large volumes in folio, containing me-f molrsof ail things part, prefent, and to come. The clafps were of fiiver, double guilt; the covers of celeftial tur- key-leather, and the paper fuch as here on earth might a’mofl: pafs for vellum. Jupiter, having filently read the decree, would communicate the import to none, but pre- fently faut up the book. Without the doors of this aflembly, there attended a vaft number of light, nimble gods, menial fervants to Jupiter. Thefe are his miniliring inllrumcnts in all af- fairs below. They travel in a caravan, more or lels tor gether, and are faftened to each other like a link of gal- ley-fiaves, by a light chain, which palTes from them to Jupiter'^ great toe. And yet in receiving or delivering a melTage, they may never approach above the lowed dep of his throne, where he and they whlfper to each o-^ ther through a long hollow trunk. Thefe deities are cal- led by mortal men, Accldenls, or Events ; but the gods call them, Second Caiifes. Jupiter having delivered his melTage to a certain number of thefe divinities, they ilew immediately down to the pinacle of the regal library, and, confulting a few minutes, entered unfcen, and dif- pofed the parties according to their orders. Mean while, Momus, fearing the wcrd, and calling to mind an ancient prophecy, which bore no very good face to his children the Moderns, bent his flight to the region of a malignant deity, called Crltlclfn. She dwelt on the top of a fnowy mountain in Novu Zernhla, There The battle of the books, 189 Momus found her extended in her den, upon the fpoifs of numberlefs volumes half devoured. At her right hand fat Ignorance j her father and hulband, blind with age; at her left, Pride, her mother, dreffing her up in thefcraps of paper herfclf had torn. There was Opinion, her lifter, light of foot, hood-winked, and headftrong; yet giddy, and perpetually turning. About her played her children, Noife, and Impudence, Dulnefs, and Panity, P ofiiivenefs. Pedantry, and Ill-manners. The goddefs herfelf had claws like a cat; her head, and ears, and voice, refembled thofe of an afs; her teeth fallen out before; her eyes turned inward, as if (he looked only upon herfelf; her diet was the overflowing of her own gall; her fpleen was fo large, as to ftand prominent like a dug of the firft rate; nor wanted excrefcences in form of teats, at wdiich a crew of ugly monfters were greedily fucking; and, what is wonderful to conceive, the bulk of fpleen increafed fafter than the fucking could diminifti it. ” Goddefs, (faid Momus'), can you fit idly here, while our devout wor- ftiippers, the Moderns, are this minute entering into % cruel battle, and perhaps, now lying under the fwords “ of their enemies ? Who then hereafter will ever facri- ‘‘ fice, or build altars to onr divinities ? Hafte therefore to the Britif ijle, and, if poffible, prevent their de- ■ ^ ftrucftlon ; while I make fa?o armies were upon the point to engage; where entering with all her caravan unfeen, and landing upon a cafe of (helves, now defart, but once inhabited by a colony of virtuofos, Ihe ftaid a while to obferve the pofture of both armies. But here the tender cares of a mother began to fill her thoughts and move in her breaft. For, at the head of a troop of Modern bowmen, (he caft her eyes upon her Ion W-tt~n; to whom the fates had alTigned a very (hort thread ; IV-tt-n, a young hero, whom an unknown fa- ther of mortal race begot by ftoln embraces with this goddefs. He was the darling of his mother, above all her children; and (he refolved to go and comfort him. But firft, according to the good old cuftom of deities, (he caft about to change her fnape; for fear the divinity of her countenance might dazzle his mortal fight, and o- vercharge the reft of his fenfes. She therefore gathered The battle of the books, 191 up her perfon into an oClavo compafs. Her body grew white and arid, and fplit in pieces with drinefs; the thick turned into pafteboard, and the thin into paper; upon which her parents and children artfully ftrowed a black juice or decoflion of gall and foot, in form of let- ters ; her head, and voice, and fpleen, kept their primi- tive form ; and that which before was a cover of fidn| did ftill continue fo. In which guife Ihe marched on towards the Moderns ^ ■ undiftinguifliable in fliape and drefs from the divine B — ntl—y, W—tt—n\ deareft friend. ‘‘Brave IV-tt-n^ “ (faid the goddefs), why do our troops (land idle here, “ to fpend their prefent vigour, and opportunity of the “ day? Away, let us hafte to the generals, and advife to give the onfet immediately.” Having fpoke thus, (he took the uglieft Of her monfters, full glutted from her fpleen, and flung it invifibly into his mouth ; which flying ftraight up into his head, fqueezed out his eye- balls, gave him a diftorted look, and half overturned his brain. Then fhe privately ordered two of her beloved children, Dulnefs and Ill-manners^ clofely to attend his perfon in all encounters. Having thus accoutred him, fhe vanifhed in a rnift ; and the hero perceived it was the goddefsj his mother. The deftined hour of fate being now arrived, the fight began; whereof, before I dare adventure to make a particular defcription, I muft, after the example of other authors, petition for a hundred tongues, and mouths, and hands, and pens ; which would all be too little to perform fo immenfe a work< Say, goddefs, that pre- fldefl over hiftory, who it was that firfl; advanced in the field of battle. ParacetfuSy at the head of his dragoons ^ obferving Galen in the adverfe wing, darted his javelin with a mighty force ; which the brave ancient received Upon his fliidd, the point breaking in the fecond fold. 192 T^}e battle of the books. «;**«: **** ^ # * # They bore the v/ounded Jgii on their (liields to his chariot. # # * * # * * Bic pmica defunt. * # # * * * * *. # * * * * * * * * * * # * 4: # # # Defunt mnmilla. Then Artflotle^ obferving Bacon advance v/kh a furi- ous mien, drev/ his bow to the head, and let fly his ar- row; which milled the valiant Bioderny and went hizzing over his head. But Des Cartes it hit ; the keel point quickly found a defebi in his head-piece; it pierc- ed the leather and the pakeboard, and went in at his right eye. The torture of the pain whirled the valiant bowman round, till death, like a kar of fuperior influ- ence, drew him into his own vortex. ***** *********^ Ingens hiatus ##**#*#### pic In MS. when Homer appeared at the head of the cavalry, mounted on a furious horfe, with difficulty managed by the rider himfelf, but which no other mor- tal durk approach. He rode among the enemy’s ranks, and bore down all before him. Say, Goddefs, whom he flew ffrk, and whom he flew lak. Fir^kj Gondrhert ad- vanced againk him, clad in heavy armour, and mounted on a kaid fober gelding, not fo famed for his fpeed, as his docility in kneeling, whenever his rider would mount or light. He had made a vow to Pallas, that he would never leave the field, till he had fpoiled Ho- mer of his armour*; madman ! who had never once feen the wearer, nor underflood his flrength. Him Homer overthrew, horfe and man, to the ground j there to be [* V\d. Homer.'] tram- The battle of the books » 193 trampled and clioaked in the dirt. Then, with a long fpear, he flew Denham, a flout Modern) who from his father’s fide, derived his lineage from Apollo, but his mother was of mortal race {a). He fell, and bit the earth. The celeftial part Apollo took, and made it a flat; but the terreflrial lay wallowing upon the ground. Then Homer flew with a kick of his horfe’s heel. He took Perrault by mighty force out of his fad die, then hurled him at Fontenelle ; with the fame blow dafhing out both their brains. On the left wing of the horfe, Virgil appeared in Alining armour, compleatly fitted to his body. He was mounted on a dapple-grey fteed; the flotvnefs of whofe pace was an effedl of the higheft mettle and vigour. He cafl his eye on the adverfe wing, with a defirc to find an objed worthy of his valour; when, behold, upon a forrel gelding of a monftrous fize, appeared a foe ilfuing from among the thickeft of the enemy’s fquadrons : but his fpeed was lefs than his noife ; for his horfe, old and lean, fpent the dregs of his ftrength in a high trot ; which, though it made flow advances, yet caufed a loud claftiing of his armour, terrible to hear. The two ca- valiers had now approached within a throw of a lance ; when the ftranger defired a parley, and lifting up the vizard of his helmet, a face hardly appeared from with- in; which, after a paufe, was known for that of the re- nowned Dryden. The brave Ancient fuddenly ftarted, as one poflefled with furprife and difappointment toge- ther : for the helmet was nine times too large for the head ; which appeared fituate far in the hinder part, e- ven like the lady in a lobfter, or like a moule under a canopy offtate, or like a fhrivelled beau from within the (a) sir "gohn Denhayri^ poems are very unequal, extreme- ly good, and very indifferent; fo that Ms detfaiftors faid, he was not the real author of Cooper's hill. B b 1 94 The battle of the books, pent-houfe of a modern periwig: and the voice was fuited to the vifage, founding weak and remote. Dry^ deny in a long harangue, foothed up the good Ancient, called him Father ; and, by a large dedu<5tion of genea- logies, made it plainly appear, that they were nearly re- lated. Then he humbly propofed an exchange of ar- mour, as a lading mark of hofpitality between them. Virgil confented, (for the goddefs Diffidence came un- feen, and caft a mid before his eyes), though his was of gold, and cod a hundred beeves*, the other’s but of rudy iron. However, this glittering armour became the Modern yet worfe than his own. Then they agree to exchange horfes; but when it came to the trial. Dry-' den was afraid, and utterly unable to mount. * * * * * % * # * # * * * * * * # # * # * * * * hiatus * * * * * # * * * * in MS. * * # * * # * * * * # * * * Lucan appeared up- on a fiery horfe, of admirable fiiape, but headdrong. bearing the rider where he lid, over the field. He made a mighty daughter among the enemy’s horfe; which dedrudion to dop, Bl—ckm—re, 2 Lhmous Modern, (but one of the mercenaries ), drenuoudy oppofed him- felf; and darted a javelin with a drong hand, which, failing diort of its mark, druck deep in the earth. Then Liican threw a lance; but JFfculapius came unfeen, and turned off the point. Brave Modern, (faid Lucati), I perceive fome god protects you ; for never did my arm fo deceive me before. But what mortal can con- tend with a god ? Therefore let us fight no longer, but prefent gifts to each other.” Lucan thenbedow- ed the Modern a pair of fpurs, and Bl—ckm—re gave Lucan a bridle. [* Vid. Homer.'] *95 T’he battle of the books. •###***#***** ************ Pmicci ************ defuit, ************ Creech: but the goddefs Dulnefs took a cloud, formed into the ihapc of Horace, armed and mounted, and placed it in a flying pofture before him. Glad was the cavalier to begin a combat with a flying foe, and purfu- ed the image, threatening loud ; till at lafl: it led him to the peaceful bower of his. father Oglehy ; by_ whom he was difarmed, and afligned to his repofc, . Then Pindar flew- , and and Oldham^ and— , and Afra the Amazon, light of foot; ne- ver advancing in a dired line, but wheeling with in- credible agility and force, he made a terrible (laughter among the enemy’s light-horfe. Him when Cowley ob- ferved, his generous heart burnt within him, and he ad- vanced againfl: the fierce Ancient, imitating his addrefs, and pace, and career, as well as the vigour of his horfe, and his own fldll, would allow. When the two cavali- ers had approached within the length of three javelins, firft threw a lance; which milled Pindar, and palling into the enemy’s ranks, fell Inefledual to the ground. Thtn Pindar darted a javelin, fo large and weighty, that Icarce a dozen cavaliers, as cavaliers are in our degenerate days, could raife it from the ground ; yet he threw it with eafe, and it went by an unerring hand finging through the air; nor could the Modern have a- voided prefent death, if he had not luckily oppofed the Ihield that had been given him by Venus., And now both heroes drew their fwords. But the Modern was fo aghaft and difordcred, that he knew not where he was; his Ihield dropt from his hands; thrice he fled, and thrice he could not efcape. At laft he turned, and, lifting up his hands in the poflure of a fuppliant, “ Godlike Pin- dar, (faid he), fpare my life, and polfefs my horfe B b 2 196 The battle of the books, with thefe arms, befides the ranfom which my friends will give, when they hear I am alive, and your pri- Toner.” Dog, (faid Pindar')^ let your ranfom ftay with ‘‘ your friends ; but your carcafe fhall be left for the fowls of the aify and the beafls of the field P With that, he raifed his fword, and, with a mighty ftroke, cleft the wretched Modern in twain, the fword purfuing the blow ; and one half lay panting on the ground, to be trod in pieces by the horfes feet, the other half was bom by the frighted deed through the field. This Venus («) took, and wafhed it feven times in amhrofia; then ftruck it thrice with a fprig of amarant ; upon which the leather grew round and foft, and the leaves turned into feathers ; and being gilded before, continued gilded ftill ; fo it be- came a dove, and (he harnelfed it to her chariot. * * # # # * % *###### Day being far fpent, and the numerous forces of the Moderns half inclining to a retreat, there iifued forth fi oni a fquadron of their heavy-armed foot, a captain, whofe name was B — ntl—y^; in perfon the mofl de- formed of all the Moderns ; tall, but without fhape or comelinefs ; large, but v;itbout llrength or proportion. His armour was patched up of a thouland incoherent pieces ; and the found of it as he marched was loud and dry, like that made by the fall of a fheet of lead, which an Etefian wind blows fuddenly down from the roof of fome fieeple. His helmet was of old rufty iron, but the vifard was brafs, which, tainted by his breath, corrupted into copperas, nor wanted gall from the lame fountain ; fo that, whenever provoked by anger or (a) J do not approve the author’s judgment in this; for I think Co-Jvley's Pindarics are much preferable to his Mijlreji, [* The cpifode of B-ntl-y and tf' tt-n.} Ihe battle of the books. Ip7 labour, an atramentous quality of moft malignant na- ture was feen to diftil from his lips. In his right hand (rt) he grafped a flail, and (that he might never be un- provided of an offenfwe weapon) a veflel foil of ordure in his left. Thus compleatly armed, he advanced with a flow and heavy pace, where the Modern chiefs were holding a confult upon the fum of things ; who, as he came onw'ards, laughed to behold his crooked leg and hump (boulder, which his boot and armour vainly en- deavouring to hide, were forced to comply with, and expofe. The generals made ofe of him for his talent of railing : which, kept within government, proved fre- quently of great fervice to their caufe; but at other times did more mifehief than good ; for at the lead touch of offence, and often without any at all, he would, like a wounded elephant, convert it againft his leaders. Such at this jundlure was the difpofition of B — nti—y^ griev- ed to fee the enemy prevail, and diffatisfied with every body’s condud but his own. He humbly gave the Mo- dern generals to underftand, that he conceived, with great fubmiflion, they were all a pack of rogues , and fools, and fans of whores, and d — ’ffd cowards, and cojt- founded loggerheads, and illiterate whelps, and nonferifical fcoundrels; that if himfelf had been coeftituted general, thofe prefiimptmus dogs the Ancients would long before this have been beaten out of the field. * You,y2?/V he, fit here idle! but when I or any other valiant Modern kill an enemy, you are fore to feize the fpoil. But I will not march one foot againfl: the foe, till you all fweap to me, that whomever I take or kill, his arms I (hall quietly poffefs.” B-ntBj having fpoke thus, Scaliger (a) The peiTon liere fpoken of, is famous for letting fly at e\'ery body without diflinftion, and ufing mean and foul fcurrilities. Vid. Homer, de Thcrfite,} igS The battle of the books, beftowing him a four look, Mifcreant prater, C fend he'), eloquent only in thine own eyes, thou raileft without wit, or truth, or diferetion. The malignity of thy temper perverteth nature, thy learning makes thee ‘‘ snort barbarous ; thyftudy of humanity , most inhumane ; thy converfe among poets, more groveling, miry, and dull. All arts ol civilizing others render thee rude2cndi untradfable ; courts have taught thee ill manners ; and polite converfation has finiflied thee a pedant. Befides, a greater coward burdeneth not the army. But ne- “ ver defpond, 1 pafs my word, whatever Ipoil thou tak- eft, fhall certainly be ihy own ; though I hope that vile carcafe will firft become a prey to kites and worms.” B — «//— durft not re;ply; but half choaked with fpleen and rage, withdrew in full refolution of perform- ing fome great atchievement. With him, for his aid and companion, he took his beloved W-tt-n; refolving, by policy or furprife, to attempt fome negle<5led quarter of the Ancients army. They began their march over carcafes of their flaughtered friends; then to the right of their own forces; then wheeled northward, till they come to AUrovandus'% tomb; which they pafted on the fide of the declining fun. And now they arrived with fear towards the enemy’s out-guards, looking about, if haply they might fpy the quarters of the wounded, or fome fttaggling fleepers, unarmed, and remote from the reft.- As when two moigr el-curs, whom native greedi- nefs and doweflic want provoke and join in partnerfhip, though fearful, nightly to invade the folds of fome rich grafter; they, with tails deprefted and lolling tongues, creep fofi and ftow. Mean while, the confeious moon, now in her zenith, on their guilty heads darts perpendi- cular rays; nor-’dare they bark, though much provoked, at' her refulgent vifage, whether feen in puddle byre- ftexiun, or in fphere diretft; hut one furveys the region round, while the ether fcouts the plain, if haply fto dif- / TtJe OOOKS, 199 cover at diftance from the flock, fome carcafe half de- voured, the refufe of gorged wolves, or ominous ravens: fo marched this lovely loving pair of friends, nor with lefs fear and circumfpeftion ; when at diflance they might perceive two fhining fuits of armour, hanging upon an oak, and the owners not far off in a profound deep. The two friends drew lots, and the purfuing of this ad- venture fell to B-ntl-y, On he went, and in his van Confufion and Amaze,, while Horror and Affright brought up the rear. As he came near, behold two heroes of the Ancients army, Phalaris and Mfop, lay fad afleep. B-ntl-y would fain have difpatched them both; and dealing clofe, aimed his flail ^at Phalaris\ bread. But then the goddefs Affright interpofing, caught the Mo^ deni in her icy arms, and dragged him from the danger (he forefaw; for both the dormant heroes happened to turn at the fame indant, though foundly fleeping, and bufy in a dream. («) For Phalaris was jud that minute dreaming, how a mod vile poetaflerh^idi lampooned him, and how he had got him roaring in his bull. And JE- fop dreamed, that as he and the Ancient chiefs were ly- ing on the ground, a wild afs broke loofe, ran about trampling and kicking, and dunging in their faces. B-ntl-y leaving the two heroes afleep, feized on both their armours, and withdrew in qued of his darling W-tt-n. He in the mean time had wandered long in fearch of fome enterprize, till at length he arrived at a fmall rivu- let that ilfued from a fountain hard by, called, in the language of mortal men. Helicon, Here he dopt, and parched with third, refolvcd to allay it in this limpid ftream. Thrice with profane hands he elfayed to raife the water to his lips, and thrice it dipt all through his (a) This Is according to Homet\ who tells the dreams of thofe who were killed in their fleep. 200 The battle of the hooks* fingers. Tlien he (looped prone on his bread; but er« his mouth had kidcd the liquid crydal, Apollo came, and in the channel held his jhield betwixt the Modern and the fountain, fo that he drew up nothing but mud. For al* though no fountain on earth can compare with the clearnefs of Helicon^ yet there lies at bottom a thick fodiment oi jit ms and mud; for fo Apollo begged of Ju-* pher, as a punidiment to thofe who durd attempt to tafte it with unhallowed lips, and for a ledbn to all, not to draw too deep, ox far from the fpring. At the fountain head, JV-tt-n difcerned two heroes. The one he could not diftingulfh ; but the other wad foon known for Temple ^ general of the allies to the An- cients. His back was turned, and he was employed in drinking large draughts in his helmet, from the foun- tain, where he had withdrawn himfelf to reft from the toils of the war. IV-tt-n, obferving him with quaking knees and trembling hands, fpoke thus to himfelf. Oh, that I could kill this deftroyer of our army ! What renown (liould I purchafe among the chiefs ? But to “ iffue out againft him, man for man, (hield againft (hield, and lance againft lance*', what Modern of u$ dare? For he fights like a god; and Pallas or Apollo are ever at his elbow. But, Oh, mother! if what fame reports be true, that T am tlie Ton of fo great a “ goddefs, grant me to hit Temple with this lance, that the ftroke may fond him to hell, and that I may re- turn in fafety and triumph, laden with his fpoils.’* The firft part of his prayer the gods granted, at the in- terceftion of his mother ^ and of Momus ; but the reft, by a perverfe wind, font from Fate, was foattered in the air. Then grafped his lance, and brandidiing it thrice over his head, darted it with all his might ; the goddefs y {* ViJ. Homer.] his 201 The battle of the hooks. his mother, at the fame time, adding ftrength to his arm. Away the lance went hiz!zing, and reached even to the belt of the averted Ancient ; upon which;, lightly grafing, it fell to the ground. Temple neither felt the weapon touch him, nor heard it fall. And IV-tt-n might have efcaped to his army, with the honour of having emitted his lance againft fo great a leader, unrevenged; but A- pollo, enraged, that a javelin, flung by the aflihance of fo foul a goddejs, fliould pollute his fountain, put on the fhape of , and foftly came to young Boyle, who then accompanied Temple. He pointed firfl: to the lance, then to the diftant Modern that flung it, and command- ed the young hero to take immediate revenge. Bojle, clad in a fuit of armour which had been him by all the gods, immediately advanced againfl: the trembling foe, who now fled before him. As a young lion in the Libyan plains, or Arahy Defart, fent by his aged fire to hunt for prey, or health, or exercife; he fcoiirs along, wilhing to meet fome t3^ger from the mountains, or a furious boar ; if chance a wild afs, with brayings impor- tune, affronts his ear, the generous bead, though loih- ing to diftain his claws with blood fo vile, yet much provoked at the offenfive noife; which Echo, foolifli nymph, like hex ill-judging fex,Ye^QCi\i% much louder, and with more delight than Philomela's fong ; he vindicates the honour of the foreft, and hunts the noify long-eared animal: fo JV-tt-n fled, fo Boyle purfued. But IV-tt-n heavy-armed, and flow of foot, began to flack his courfe ; when bis lover B-ntl-y appeared, returning laden with the fpoils of the two fleeping Ancients. Boyle obferved him well ; and foon difeovering the helmet and fhield of Phalaris, his friend, both which he had lately with his own hands new poliflied and gilded; rage fparkled in his eyes; and leaving his purfuit after fP-it-n, he furioufly rufhed on againft this new approachcr. Fain would he be revenged on both ; but both now fled diflerent ways. C c 202 The battle of the books. And as a woman in a little houfe, that gets a painjful livelihood by fpinning*(fi) ; if chance her geefs be fcat- tered over the common, (he courfes round the plain from lide to fide, compelling here and there the ftragglers to the flock; they cackle loud, and flutter o’er the champian: fo Boyle purfued, fo fled this pair of friends. Finding at length their flight was vain , they bravely joined, and drew themfelves in phalanx. Y\^{k,B-ent-y threwa fpear with all his force, hoping to pierce the enemy’s breafl:. But Pallas came unfeen^and in the air took off the point, and clapped on one of lead, which, after a dead bang againfl the enemy’s fhield, fell blunted to the ground. Then Boyle, obferving well his time, took a lance, of wondrous length and fharp- nefs ; and as thig pair of friends eompaded flood clofe fide to fide, he wheeled him to the right, and with unufual force darted the weapon. B-nll-y fiiw his fate approach; and flanking down his arms clofe to his ribs, hoping to fave his body ; in went the point, pafling through arm and fide : nor flopt, or fpent its force, till it had alfo pierced the valiant W-tt~n; who, going tofuflain his dying friend, (hared his fate. As when a fleilful cook has trulfed a brace of cocks, he , iron ficewer, pierces the tender fides of both, their legs and wings clofe pinioned to their ribs : fo was this pair of friends transfixed, till down they fell, joined in their lives, joined in their deaths ; fo clofely joined, that Charon would miflake them both for one, and waft them o- ver Styx for half his fare. Farewel, beloved, loving pair; few equals have you left behind; and happy and immortal (hall you be, if all my wit and eloquence can make you fo. And now '* * * ****** * * ************** ***** *#** Defunt cetera, [* ViJ. Homer.] (a) This is alfo after the manner of / the woman’s getting a painful livelihood by fpinning, has nothing to do with the firailitude, nor would be exeufable without fuch an authority.- F I N I S, A DISCOURSE CONCERNING THE MECHANICAL OPERATION Q F T H E SPIRIT, In a LETTER to a Frienh, A FRAGMENT, i THE BOOKSELLER’S ADVERTISEMENT. THE folloivlng difcotirfe came into my hands f erf eB and entire^ But there being fcveral things in it •which the prefent age would not very well hear, I kept it by me fame, years, refolving it Jhotild never fee the light. At length, by the advice and ajfjlance of a judicious friend, I retrenched thofe parts that might give mojl offence, and have now ventured to publifh the remainder. Concerning the au^ thor, I am wholly ignorant : neither can 1 conjeBure, whe- ther it be the fame with that of the two foregoing pieces ; the original having been fent me at a different time, and in a different hand. The learned reader will better deter- mine; to whofe judgment I entirely fubmit it. K -S ^ . ' -■ ' t--''' '. ■ -A' ’;,':v^" v\ . ''ijm ’'.V C 207 3 A DISCOURS E CONCERNING THE MECHANICAL OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT. For T. H. Efq; at hu chambers ifi the academy of the Beaux-Efprits in New-Holiand. SIR, T T is now a good while fince I have had in my head fomething, not only very material, but abfolutely necefTary to my health, that the world ftiould be inform- ed in. For, to tell you a fecret, I am able to contain it no longer. However, I have been perplexed for fome time, to refolve what would be the moft proper form to fend it abroad in. To which end, I have been three days courfing through Wejhninjler-hally and St. Pauls church-yard, and Fleet^Jlreet, to perufe titles; $nd I do not find any which holds fo general a vogue, as that of This difeourfe is not altogether eqaal to the two former, the beft parts of it being omitted. Whether the bookfeller's account be true, that he durfl not print the reft, I know not : nor indeed is it eafy to determine, whether he may be relied on in any thing he fays of this, or the former treatifes, only as to the time they were writ in ; which, however, appears mote from the difeourfes themfelves than his rebtion. '20 B On the mechanical operation of the fpirif. A letter to a friend. Nothing is more common than to meet with long epiftles addrefled to perfons and places, where, at firft thinking, one would be apt to imagine it not altogether To necefTary or convenient ; fuch as, a neighbour at nekt doorj a mortal enemy y a perfeB jlrahgery or a perfon of quality in the clouds ; and thefe upon fub- je<5is, in appearance, the leaft proper for conveyance by the port ; as, long fchemes in philofophy, dark and wonder- ful myjleries of fate, laborious dijfertations in critkifm and philofophyy advice to parliaments, and the like. Now, Sir, to proceed after the method in prefent wear: (for, let me fay what I will to the contrary, I am afraid you will publifh this letter, as foon as it ever comes to your hands:) I defire you will be my witnefs to the world, how carelefs and fudden a Icribble it has been ; that it was but yefterday, when you and I began acciiientally to fall into difcourle on this matter; that I was not very well when we parted ; that the port is in fuch hafte, I have had no manner of time to digeft it in- to order, or corred the fiyle : and if any other modern excufes, for hafte and negligence, ftiall occur to you in reading, I beg you to infert them, faithfully promifing they ftiall be thankfully acknowleged. Pray, Sir, in your next letter to the Iroquois virtuofi^ do me the favour to prefent my humble fervice to that illuftrious body; and affure them, I ftiall fend an account of thofe phoenomena, as foon as we can determine them at Grejham, I have not had a line from the literati of Tobinamboii thefe three laft ordinaries. And now. Sir, having difpatched what I had to fay of forms, or of bufinefs, let me intreat, you will fuffer me to proceed upon my fubjedt; and to pardon me if I make no farther ufe of the epiftolary ftyle, till I come to conclude. SECT. On the mechanical operation of the fpirlt, 209 SECT. r. IT is recorded of Mahomet , that upion a vlfit he was going to pay in Paradifcy he had an offer of fcveral vehicles to conduift him upwards; as, fiery chariotSj winged horfes, and celeftial fedans ; but he refufed them all, and w'ould be borne to heaven upon nothing but his afs. Now, this inclination of Mahomet , as fingular as it feems, hath been fince taken up by a great number of devout Chriflians ; and doubtlefs with very good rea* fon. For fince that Arabian is known to have borrow- ed a moiefy of his religious fyltem from the Chrijiian faith, it is but juft he ftiould pay reprifals to fuch as would challenge them ; wherein the good people of En- gland, to do them all right, have not been backward. For though there is not any other nation in the world fo plentifully provided with carriages for that journey, either as to fafety or eafe; yet there are abundance of us, who will not be fatisfied with any other machine, befides this of Mahomet, For my own part, I muft confefs to bear a very fin- gular refped: to this animal, by whom I take human na- ture to be moft admirably held forth in all its qualities as well as operations : and therefore, whatever in my finall reading occurs concerning this our fellow-creature, I do never fail to fet it down, by way of common-place ; and when I have occafion to write upon human reafon, politics, eloquence, or knowlege, I lay my memorandums before me, and infert them with a wonderful facility of application. Hov/ever, among all the qualifications a- fcribed to this diftinguiftied brute, by ancient or modern authors, I cannot remember this talent of bearing his rider to heaven, has been recorded for a part of his dia- rader, except in the two examples mentioned already; therefore I conceive the methods of this art to be a point of ufeful knowlege very few hands, and which the D d 210 On the mechanical operation of the fpirlt. learned world would gll?(ly be better informed in: this Is what I have undertak^'i to perform in the following difcourle. For toward^ the operation already mention- ed, many peculiar properties are required, both in the rider and the af; which I Ihail endeavour to fet in as clear a light as I can. But, becaufe I am refolved, by all means, to avoid giving offence tc\any party whatever, I will leave off difcourfing fa .j^o'f^ly to the letter as I have hitherto done, and go on for the future by w'ay of allegory,^ though in fuch a manner, that the judicious reader may, without much Braining, make his applications as often as he fliail think fit. Therefore, if you pleafe, from hence forward, Inftead of the term afsy we (hall make ufe of fifed or enlightened teacher ; and the word rider y we will exchange for that of Fanatic auditory^ or any other denomination of the like import. Having fettled this weighty point, the great fubje{5l of inquiry before us is, to examine, by what methods this teacher arrives at his giftSy or fpirity or light ; and by what intercourfe between him and his affembly it is cultivated and fupported. In all my writings, I have had conftant regard to this great end, not to fuit and apply them to particular oc- cafions and clrcumftances of time, of place, or ofperfon ; but to calculate them for univerfal nature, and mankind in general. And of fuch catholic ufe I efteem this pre- fent difquifition : for I do not remember any other tem- per of body, or quality of mind, wherein all nations and ages of the world have fo unanimouOy agreed, as that of a Fanatic Brain, or tinfture of enthufuifn; which, improved by certain perfons or focleties of men, and by them pradtifed upon the reB, has been able to produce revolutions of the grcateB ligure in hiBory ; as will foon appear to thofe who know any thing of Arabiay Perfiay Indlay or China, of Morocco and Peru. Farther, it has poBeired as great a power ia the kingdom of knowlege. On the mechanical operation of the fphit» 21 1 where it is hard to affign one a»^^r fclence, which has not annexed to it fome : Such are the phi- lofopheFs /lone, the grand elixir*, Cp^^Unetary worlds, the fuaring of the circle, the fimmum 'bdhttM'^, \J to fiCin common^ wealths, with fome others of lefs or fuhordinate note ; which all ferve for nothing elfe, but to* employ or a- rnufe this grain of enthufiafn, dealt into every compo- fition. But if this plant has found a rocj|^ the fields of empire and of knowlege, it has fixed deep(|j5r..and fpread yet farther upon holy ground : wherein, though it hath palled under the general name of enthufiafn, and per- haps arifen from the fame original; yet hath it produced certain branches of a very different nature, however of- ten mifiaken for each other. The word, in its univer- fal acceptation, may be defined, /d lifting up of the foul, C4’ its faculties, above matter. This defcriptlon will hold good in general: but I am only to underhand it as ap- plied to religion; wherein there are three general ways of ejaculating the foul, or tranfporting it beyond the fphere of matter. The firh is, the immediate ad: of God, and is called prophecy or infpiration. The fccond is, the immediate ad of the devil, and is termed pojfejjion. The third is, the produd of natural caufes; the effed of f}rongimaglnation,fp!een, violent anger, fear, grief, pain, and the like. Thefe tiireehave been abundantly treated on by authors, and therefore fhall not employ my in- quiry. But the fourth method of religious enthufiafn, or lauching out of the foul, as it is purely an effed of artifice and mechanic operation, has been fparingly hand- led, or not at all, by any writer; becaufe though it is an art of great antiquity, yet, having been confined to few perfons, it long wanted thofe advancements and refine- ments which it afterwards met with, fince it has grown Some writers lioIJ them for the fame, others not. D d 2 212 On the mechanical operation of the fpirlt, fo epidemic, and fallen into fo many cultivating hands. It is therefore upon this mechanical operation of the fpirii that I mean to treat, as it is at prefent performed by our Britijh luorkmen, I (hall deliver to the reader the refult of many judicious obfervations upon the mat- ter; tracing, as near as I can, the whole courfe and method of this trade; producing parallel inftances, and relating certain difcoveries that have luckily fallen in my way. I have faid that there is one branch of religious en^ thufiafm, which is purely an effedl of nature ; whereas the part I mean to handle, is wholly an effedt of art; which, however, is inclined to work upon certain na- tures and conftitutions, more than others. Befides, there is many an operation, which, in its original, was purely an artifice; but, through a long fucceflion of ages, hath grown to be natural. Hippocrates tells us, that among our anceflors the Scythians ^ there was a nation called Longheads* y which at firfl; began by a cuftom, among midwives and nurles, of molding, and fqueezing, and bracing up the heads of infants; by which means, nature, flint out at one pafTage, was forced to feek another, and finding room above, fhot upwards, in the form of a fugar-loaf ; and being diverted that way, for fome gene- rations, at laft found it out of herfelf, needing no af- fidance from the nurfe’s hand. This was the original of the Scythian Longheads ; and thus did cuftom,frombe- ' ing a fecond nature, proceed to be a firft. To all which there is fomething very analogous among us of this na- tion, who are the undoubted poflerity of that refined people. For, in the age of our fathers, there rofe a generation of men in this ifland, called Ronnd-headsy ■whofe race is now fpread over three kingdoms; yet, in its beginning, was merely an operation of art, produced * JSlacrocephdu On the mechanical operation of the fplrlt, 2J 5 by a pair of fcifTars, a fqueeze of the face, and a black cap. Thefe heads, thus formed into a perfe(5l fphere in ail affemblies, were moft expofed to the view of tlie female fort : which did influence their conceptions fo ef- fe<5lually, that nature, at laft, took the hint, and did it of herfelf ; fo that a Round-head has been ever fince as fa- miliar a fight among us, as a Long-head among the Scythians. Upon thefe examples, and others eafy to produce, I defire the curious reader to diftinguifli, firft, between an efle^l grown from art into nature^ and one that is na- tural from its beginning ; fecondly, between an effedl wholly natural, and one which has only a natural foun- dation, but where the fuperftrudiure is entirely artificial. For the firft and the laft of thefe, I underftand to come within the diftricfts of my fubjecft. And having obtain- ed thefe allowances, they will ferve to remove any ob- jedions that may be raifed hereafter againft what I (hall advance. The pradlitioners of this famous art proceed in ge- neral upon the following fundamental, That the corrup- tion of the fenfes is the generation of the fpirit ; becaufe the fenfes in men are fo many avenues to the fort of rea- fon, which in this operation is wholly blocked up. All endeavours muft be therefore ufed, either to divert, bind up, ftupify, flufter, and amufe the fenfes, orelfe to juftle them out of their ftations ; and while they are either ab- lent, or otherwife employed, or engaged in a civil war againft each other, the fpirit enters, and performs its part, "Now, the ufual methods of managing the fenfes up- on fuch conjunftures, are what I fliall be very particu- lar in delivering, as far as it is lawful for me to do; but having had the honour to be initiated into the myfteries of every focicty, I defire to be excufed from divulging any rites, wherein the profane muft have no part. But here, before I can proceed farther, a very dan- 2J4 On the mcchamdal operation of the fplrit. gerous objection mnft, if poflible, be removed. For it is pofitively denied by certain critics, that the fpirit can by any means be introduced into an alTembly of modern faints; the difparlty being fo great, in many material circumftances, between the primitive way ofinfpiration, and that which is pradiied in the prefent age. This they pretend to prove from the 2 d chapter of the where, comparing both, it appears, firft, that the Apojlles •were gathered together with one accord in one place ; by which is meant, an univerfal agreement in opinion, and form of worfhip ; a harmony (fay they) fo far from be- ing found between any two conventicles among us, that it is in vain to expefi it between any two heads in the fame. Secondly, The fpirit inftrudied the apofiles in the gift of fpeaking feveral languages ; a knowlege fo remote from our dealers in this art, that they neither underftand propriety of words, or phrafes in their own. Laftly, (fay thefe objeflors,) The modern artifts do ut- terly exclude all approaches of the fpirit y and bar up its ancient way of entering, by covering themfelves fo clofe, and (6 induftrioufly a-top. For they will needs have it as a point clearly gained, that the cloven tongnef ncvcrratupontheapolllesheadsjwhiletheir bats were on. Now, the force of thefe objedions feemsto confiftin the different acceptation of the word fpirit ; which if it be underftood for a fupernatural aflihance, approaching from without, the objectors have realbn, and their af- fertions may be allowed: but the fpirit we treat of here, proceeding entirely from within, the argument of thefe adverfaries is wholly eluded. And, upon the fame ac- count, our modern artificers find it an expedient of ab- folutc neceffity, to cover their heads as clofe as they can, in order to prevent perfpiration ; than which no- thing is obferved to be a greater fpender of mechanic light, as we may perhaps farther fliew in convenient place. On the mechanical operation of the fplrlt^ 2 T5 To proceed therefore upon the phmomenon of fpin- tnal mecbanifm, it is here to be noted, that in forming and working up the fpirity the aifembly has a confider- able fhare, as well as the preacher. The method of this arcanum is as follows. They violently drain their eye-balls inward, half clofing the lids; then, as they fit, they are in a perpetual motion of fee f aw, making long hums at proper periods, and continuing the found at e- qual height ; chufing their time in thofe intermiffions, while the preacher is at ebb. Neither is this pradice in any part of it fo fingular or improbable, as not to be traced, in diftant regions, from reading and obfervation. For, fird, the fauguh^, or enlightened faints of India ^ fee all their vifions by help of an acquired draining and preffure of the eyes. Secondly, The art of fee-faw on a beam, and fwinging by feffion upon a cord, in order to raife artificial eedafies, hath been derived to us from out Scythian ancedors f , where it is pradifed at this day among the women. Ladly, The whole proceeding as I have here related it, is performed by the natives of Ireland, with a confiderable improvement; and it is granted, that this noble nation hath of all others admitted fewer corrup- tions, and degenerated lead from the purity of the old Tartars. Now, it is ufual for a knot of Irijh, men and women, to abdrad themfelves from matter, bind up all their fenfes, grow vlfionary and fpiritual, by influence of a (hort pipe of tobacco, handed round the company; each preferving the fmoke in his mouth, till it comes a- gain to his turn to take in frefli. At the fame time, there is a concert of a continued gentle hum, repeated and renewed by indind, as occafion requires; and they move their bodies up and down, to a degree, that fome- times their heads and points lie parallel to the horizon. Mean while, you may obferve their eyes turned up in b* Battler, man, dc Morcl.l [| Gna^nmi, hljl. Sfirwdf 1 '2i 6 On the mechanical operation of the fpirit, the p'ofture of one who endeavours to keep himfelf a- wake; by which, and many other fymptoms among tliem, it manifedly appears, that the reafoning faculties are all fufpended and fuperfeded ; that imagination hath ufurped the feat, fcattering a thoufand deliriums over tlie brain. Returning from this digreflion, I (hall de- fcribe the methods by which the fpirit approaches. The eyes being difpofcd according to art, at firft you can fee nothing; but, after a fnort paufe, a fmall glimmering light begins to appear, and dance before you. Then, by frequently moving your body up and down, you per- ceive the vapours to afeend very faft, till you are per- fedJy doled, and fluftered like one w'ho drinks too much in a morning. Mean while, the preacher is alfo at work; he begins a loud hum, which pierces you quite through ; this is immediately returned by the audience ; and you find yourfelf prompted to imitate them, by a mere fpontaneous impuife, without knowing what you do. The interjiitia are duly filled up by the preacher, to prevent too long a paufe, under which the fpirit would foon faint and grow languid. This is all I am allowed to difeover about the pro- grefs of the fpirit^ with relation to that part which is borne by xh^afembly; but in the methods of the preach- er, to which I now proceed, I lhall be more large and particular. SECT. II. YOU will read it very gravely remarked in the books of thofe illuftrious and right eloquent penmen, the mo- dern travellers, that the fundamental difference in point of religion between the wild Indians and us, lies in this ; that we worlhip God^ and they w'orfiiip the devil. But there are certain critics, who will by no means admit of this diilindion; rather believing, that all nations what- On the mechanical operation of the fpirlt. 217 whatfoever adore the true God, becaufe they fcem to in- tend tlieir devotions to lomeinvifible power, of greatell: goodnefs, and ability to help them; winch perhaps will take in the brightefl; attributes aferibed to the Divinity. Others again inform us, that thofe idolaters adore two principles; the principle of good, and that of evil: which indeed I am apt to look upon as the mofl univerfal no- tion that mankind, by the mere light of nature, ever entertained of things invifible. How this idea hath been managed by the Indians and us, and with what ad- vantage to the underftandings of either, may well de- ferve to be examined. To me the difference appears- little more than this, that they are put oFtener upon their knees by their fears, and we by our defires ; that the. former fet them a-praying, and us a-curfing. What I applaud them for, is their difcretlon, in limiting their devotions and their deities to their feveral dillrids; nor ever fuffering the liturgy of the vohite god, to crofs or interfere with that of the black. Not fo with us; who, pretending, by the lines and meafures of our reafon, to extend the dominion of one invifible power, and con- tradf that of the other, have difeovered a grofs igno- rance in the natures of good and evil, and moil: horribly confounded the frontiers of both. After men have lift- ed up the throne of their Divinity to the c.'f’////;; empy- neiim, adorned with all fuch qualities and accomplifh- mentsasthemfelves feem mod: to value and polfefs; af- ter they have funk their principle of evil to the lowcfl centre, bound him with chains, loaded him witheurfes, furnifhed him with viler difpohtions than any rake-hell of the town, accoutred him with tail, and horns, and huge claws, and fawcer eyes; I laugh aloud to fee thefe reafoners at the fame time engaged in wife difpute about certain walks and purlieus, whether they are in the verge of God or the devil ; ferioufly debating, whether fuch and fuch influences come into mens minds from above E e 21 8 On the mechanical operation of the fpirit, or below, whether certain paflions and affedtlons are guided by the evil fpirit or the good : Dim fas atque vefas exiguo fine libldlniint Difcernunt avidi.— Thus do men eflablifh a fellowfiiip of Chrifi v/ith Belial^ and fuch is the analogy they make between cloven tongues and cloven feet. Of the like nature is the difquihtion before us. It hath continued thefe hundred years an even debate, whether the deportment and the cant of our Englifi} enthufiadic preachers were pojfiejfion or in- * ff ration; and a world of argument has been drained on either (ide, perhaps to little purpofe. For I think it is in life as in tragedy, where it is held a convidlion of great defefl, both in order and invention, to interpofe the affiftance of preternatural power, without an abfolute and laft neceffity. However, it is a ficetch of human vanity for every individual, to imagine the whole nni- verfe is intereiled in his meanefl concern. If he hath got cleanly over a kennel, fbme angel unfeen defcended on purpofe to help him by the hand ; if he hath knock- ed his head againfi: a poll:, it was the devil, for his fins, let loofe from hell on purpofe to buffet him. Who, that fees a little paltry mortal droning, and dreaming, and drivelling to a multitude, can think it agreeable to common good fenfc, that either heaven or hell fhould be put to the trouble of influence or infpe(5lionupon what he is about ? Therefore I am refolved immediately to weed this error out of mankind, by making it clear, that this myflery, of vending fpiritual gifts, is nothing but a trade, acquired by as much infirudtion, and maflered by equal praftice and application, as others are. This will befl; appear by defcribing and deducing the whole procefs of the operation, as varioufly as it hath fallen under my knowiege or experience. On the mechanical operation of the fpirlt. 219 * * # * * ###*** # * * # * * * # * * # * Here the whole fcheme of * * * # * * * fpiritual mechanip/nwas deduc- * * # * * # * ed and explained, with an ap- * * # * * * * pearance of great reading and # * * * * * * obfervation ; but it was thought * •# # * # # * neither fafe nor convenient to * * * * # * * print it. * * * * * * * # * * * * *#** **** Here it may not be amifs to add a few words upon the laudable pradice of wearing quilted caps ; which is not a matter of mere cuftom, humour, or faftiion, as fome would pretend, but an inftitution of great lagacity and ufe. Thefe, when moiftened with fweat, hop all per- fpiration ; and, by reverberating the heat, prevent the fpirit from evaporating any way, but at the mouth; even as a flcilful houfewife that covers her ftili with a w'et clout for the fame reafon, and finds the fame effeft. For it is the opinion of choice virtuofi^ that the brain is only a croud of little animals, but with teeth and claws extremely fharp, and therefore cling together in the con- texture we behold, like the picture of Hobbeses Levia^ ihan^ or like bees in perpendicular fwarm upon a tree, or like a carrion corrupted into vermin, ftill prefcrving the fhape and figure of the mother animal: That all in- vention is formed by the morfure of two or more of thefe animals, upon certain capillary nerves, which pro- ceed from thence ; whereof three branches fpread into the tongue, and two into the right hand. They hold alfo, that thefe animals are of a conftitiition extremely cold ; that their food is the air we attraifl, the excre- ment phlegm; and that what we vulgarly call rheums, and colds, and difiillations, is nothing elfe but an epide- mical ioofenefs, to which that little commonwealth is E e 2 220 On the mechanical operaihn of the Jpirlt. very fubjcdl, from the climateit lies under: Farther, that nothing lefs than a violent heat can dlfintangle thefe creatures from their hamated ftation of life, or give them vigour and humour to imprint the marks of their little teeth : That if the morfure be hexagonal, it produces poetry ; the circular gives eloquence; if the bite hath been conical, the perfon, whofe nerve is fo affected, fhall be difpofed to write upon the politics ; and fo of the reft. I ftiall nowdifconrfe briefly, by what kind ofpradices the voice is beft governed, towards the compofition and improvement of the fpirit ; for without a competent (kill in tuning and toning each word, and fy liable, and letter, to their due cadence, the whole operation is in- compleat, miflTes entirely of its effedl: on the hearers, and puts the workman himfelf to continual pains for new fupplies, without fuccefs. For it is to be underftood,.. that, in the language of the fpirit, cant and droning fup- ply the place of fenfe and reafony in the language of men ; becaufe, in fpiritual harangues, the difpofttion of the words according to the art of grammar, hath not the leaft ufe, but the flcill and influence wholly lie in the choice and cadence of the fyllables ; even as a difereet cornpofeVy who, in fetting a fong, changes the words and order fo often, that he is forced to make it nonfenfcy be- fore he can make it mtific. For this reafon it hath been held by fome, that the art of canting Is ever in greateft perfedion when managed by ignorance ; which is thought to be enigmatically meant by Plutarchy when he tells us, that the beft mufical inftruments were made from the bones of an afs. And the profounder critics upon that paflageare of opinion, the word, in its genuine fignifi- cation, means no other than a jaw-bone; though forne rather think it to have been the os facruin. But in fo nice a cafe I fliall not take upon me to decide; the curi- ous are at liberty to pick from it whatever they pleafe. The firft ingredient towards the art of canting, is a Oh the mechanical operation of the fphit. 221 competent fhare inward light ; that is to fay, a large memory, plentifully fraught with rheological pollyfylla- bles, and myfterious texts from holy writ, applied and digefted by thofe methods and mechanical operations already related ; the bearers of this light refembling lant- hornSf compad of leaves from old Geneva Bibles: which invention, Sir H-mphry Edw-riy during his mayoralty, of happy memory, highly approved and advanced; af- firming the fcripture to be now fulfilled, where it fays, Tdhy word is a lanthcrn to my feety and a light t§ my paths. Now, the art of canting confifts in fliilfully adapting the voice to whatever words the fpirit delivers, that each may ftrike the ears of the audience with its moft fignifi- cant cadence. The force or energy of this eloquence is not to be found, as among ancient orators, in the dif- pofition of words to a fentence, or the turning of long periods ; but, agreeably to the modern refinements in mufic, is taken up wholly in dwelling and dilating upon fyllables and letters. Thus it is frequent for a fingle vowel to draw fighs from a multitude; and for a whole aifembly of faints, to fob to the mufic of one folitary //- quid. But thefe are trifles, when even founds inarticu- late are obferved to produce as forcible effeds. A ma- iler workman (hall blow his nofe fo powerfullyy as to pierce the hearts of his people, who are difpofed to re- ceive the excrements brain, with the fame reverence as the ijfue of it. Hawking, fpitting, and belching, the defeds of other mens rhetoric, are the flowers, and figures, and ornaments of his. For the fpirit being the fame in all, it i^of no import through what vehicle it is conveyed. It is a point of too much difficulty, to draw the principles of this famous art within the compafs of cer- tain adequate rules. However, perhaps I may one day oblige the world with my critical elfay upon the art of cantingy philofyphicallyy phyficallyy and mujically coijidcred. 222 On the mechanical operation of the /pint. But among all improvements of vh(t fpint wherein the voice hath home a part, there is none to be compared with that of conveying the found through the nofe, which, under the denomination of fmtjfllng (^j), hath paffed with fo great applanfe in the world. The originals of this inftitution are very dark; but having been initiated into the myilery of it, and leave being given me to publifli it to the world, I fhali deliver asdiredl: a relation as I can. This art, like many other famous inventions, owed its birth, or at lead improvement and perfedion, to an effed of chance; but was eftabiiflied upon folid reafons, and hath flouriflied in this ifland ever ftnce, with great luflre. All agree, that it fird: appeared upon the decay anddifcouragement of bagpipes ; which, having long fuf- fered under the mortal hatred of the brethren^ tottered for a time, and at lad fell with monarchy. The dory is thus related. As yet fnuffling was not; when the following adven- ture happened to a Banbury faint. Upon a certain day, while he was far engaged among the tabernacles of the ivickedy he felt the outward man put into odd commo- tions, and drangely pricked forward by the inward: an elfed very ufual among the modern infpired. For fomc think, that the fpirit is apt to feed on the fledi, like hungry wines upon raw beef. Others rather believe, there is a perpetual game at leap-frog between both ; and fometimes the fiejh is uppermod, and fometimes the fpirit : adding, that the former, while it is in the date of a rider, v/ears huge Rippon fpurs, and when it comes to the turn of being bearer, is wonderfully headdrong and hard-mouthed. However it came about, the faint felt his vejfel full extended in every part, (a very natural ef- (^a) The fuifling of men, who have loft their nofes by lewd courfes, is faid to liave given rife to that tone, which our dif- fciiters did too much V/, Woiton, On the mechanical operation of the fpirlf. 223 fedt of ftrong hifpiratioii) ; and the place and time fal- ling out fo unluckily, that he could not have the con- venience of evacuating upwards, by repetition, prayer, or ledure, he was forced to open an inferior vent. In fhort, be wreflled with the flefh fo long, that he at length fubdued it, coming off with honourable wounds all before. The furgeon had now cured the parts primarily affe^led ; but the difeale, driven from its poll:, flew up into hi& head: and as a flolful general, valiantly attacked in his trenches, and beaten from the field, by flying marches withdraws to the capital city, breaking down the bridges to prevent purfuit; fo the difeafe, repelled from its firfl: llation, fled before the rod of Hermes, to the upper re- gion, there fortifying itfelf; but, finding the foe making attacks at the nofe, broke down the bridge, and retired to the head quarters. Now, the naturalifts obferve, that there is in human nofes an idiofyncracy, by virtue of which, the more the paflage is obflrudled, the more our fpeech delights to go through, as the mufic of a flagelet is made by the flops. By this method, the twang of the nofe becomes perfedlly to refemble the fnuffle of a bagpipe, and is found to be equally attradlive of Britijh ears ; whereof the faint had fudden experience, by pra- £tifing his new faculty with'wonderful fuccefs in the o- peration of the fpirit : for, in a fiiort time, no dodlrine pafled for found and orthodox, unlefs it were delivered through the nofe. Strait, every paflor copied after this original; and thofe who could not otherwife arrive to a perfediion, fpirited by a noble zeal, made ufe of the fame experiment to acquire it. So that I think it may be truly affirmed, the. fiints owe their empire to the jnufl fling of one animal, as Darius did his to the neighing of another; and both flratagems were performed by the fame art; for we read, how the Perfian beafl acquired his faculty by covering a mare the day before.^ I* Htrodot.] 224 mechanical operaticn of the fpirlt. I flioiild now have done, if I were not convinced, that whatever I have yet advanced upon this fubjedt, is li- able to great exception. For, allowing all I have faid to be true, it may ilill be joftly objeded, That there is in the commonwealth of artificial enthufiafm fome real foundation for art to work upon, in the temper and complexion of individuals, which other mortals feem to want . Obfervc but the gellure, the motion, and the countenance of fome choice profelTors, though in their moil: familiar adions, you v/ili find them of a different race from the reft of human creatures. Remark your commoneft pretender to a light within^ how dark, and dirty, and gloomy he is without : as lanthorns, which, the more light they bear in their bodies, caft ontfo much the more foot, and fraoke, and fuliginous matter to ad- here to the fides. Liften but to their ordinary talk, and look on the mouth that delivers it ; you will imagine you are hearing fome ancient oracle, and your under- ftanding will be equally informed. Upon thefe and the like reafons, certain objectors pretend to pat it beyond all doubt, that there muft be a fort of preternatural fpi- 'rit poftefting the heads of the modern faints ; and fome will have it to be the heat of zeal, working upon the dregs of ignorance, as other fpirits are produced from lees by the force of fire. Some again think, that when our earthly tabernacles are difordered and defolate, fhaken and out of repair, the fpirit delights to dwell within them, as houfes are faid to be haunted when they are forefaken and gone to decay. To fet this matter in as fair a light as poflible, I ftiall here very briefly deduce the hiftory ai Fanaticifm^^xom the moft early ages to the prefent. And if we are able to fix upon any one material or fundamental point, wherein the chief profefTors have univerlally agreed, I fthink we may reafonably lay hold on that, and affign it for the great feed or principle of the fpirit. Thei On the mechanical operation of the fpirit. 225 The moft early traces we meet with of Fanatics in ancient ftory, are among the /Egypt i an j ; who inftituted thofe rites known in Greece by the names of Orgya^ PanegyreSy and Dionyfia ; whether introduced there by Orpheus or MelampiiSy we fhall not difpute at prefenr, nor, in all likelihood, at any time for the future. Thefe fealls were celebrated to the honour oWfris, whom the Grecians called Z)/3;py/}/x, and is the fame with Bacchus^. Which has betrayed fome fuperlicial readers to imagine, that the whole bufiilefs was nothing more than a fet of roaring, fcouring companions, overcharged with wine : but this is a fcandalous midake, foided on the world by a fort of modern authors, who have too literal an under- danding; and, becaufe antiquity is to be traced back-- 'ivardsy do therefore, like JeivSy begin their books at the wrong end, as if learning were a fort of conjuring. Thefe are the men who pretend to imderdand a book, by fcouting through the indexy as if a traveller diould go about to deferibe a palaccy W'hen he had feen no- thing but the privy ; or like certain fortune-tellers in Northern America y who have a way of reading a man’s dediny, by peeping in his breech. For at the time of indituting thefe myderies, f there was not one vine in all /Egypt, the natives drinking nothing but ale ; which liquor deems to have been far more ancient than wine, and has the honour of owing its invention and progrefs, not only to the /Egyptian OJyris J, but to the Grecian Bacchus ; who, in their famous expedition, carried the receipt of it along with them, and gave it to the na- tions they vidted or fubdued. Befides, Bacchus him- felf was very feldom or never drunk: for it is recorded [* DioE Sic, 1. I. Plut. de Jfide etOfj/ridc/ [f Herod. 1. z .] [:^ Died Sic 1. X . el 3 .] 226 On the mechanical operation of the fplrit, ' of him, that he was the firft inventor of the mitre * ; which he wore continually on his head, as the whole company of Bacchanals did, to prevent vapours and the headach after hard drinking. And for this reafon (fay fome) the fcarlet nnhore, when fhe makes the kings of the earth drunk with her cup of abomination, is always fober herfelf; though fiie never balks the glafs in her turn, being, it feems, kept upon her legs by the vir- tue of her triple mitre. Now, thefe feafts were inftitu- ted in imitation of the famous expedition Ofyris made . through the world, and of the company that attended him, whereof the Bachanalian ceremonies § were fo ma- ny types and fymbols. From which account, it is ma- nifed, that the fanatic rites of thefe Bacchanals cannot be imputed to intoxications by wine, but muft needs have had a deeper foundation. What this was, we may gather large hints from certain clrcumftances in the courfe of their myfteries. For, in the fireplace, there was in their proceffions, an entire mixture and confiifioii cf fexes ; they affedted to ramble about hills and defarts ; their garlands were of ivy and vine, emblems of cleav- ing and clinging ; or of fir, the parent of turpentine. Jt is added, that they Imitated Satyrs, were attended by goats, and rode upon afies, all companions of great skill and pradtice in affairs of gallantry. They bore for their enfigns, certain curious figures, perched upon long poles, made into the lhape and fize of the virga genita- lis, with itz appurtenances ; which were fo many fhadows and emblems of the whole myftery, as well as trophies fet up by the female conquerors. Laftly, in a certain town of Attica, the whole folemnity, ftrlpt of all its types t, was performed in piiris naturalibus ; the vota- l* Id. 1. 4.] ^ ^ [§ See the particulars in Diod. Sic, 1. x, et 3,3 [t Dionyfia, Brauronia.1 , On the mechanical operation of the fplrlt, 227 ries not flying in coveys, but forted into couples. The fame may be farther conjednred from the death of Or^ pheiiSy one. of the inftitutors of thefe myfleries ; who was torn in pieces by women, becaufe he refufed to communicate his Orgyes * to them ; which others ex- plained, by telling us, he had cajlrated himfelf upon grief, for the lofs of his wife. Omitting many others of lefs note, the next Fana~ tics we meet with of any eminence, were the numerous feds of heretics j appearing in the five firfl centuries of the Chrijlian ara^ from Simon Magus and his followers, to thofe of Eutyches. I have colleded their fyftems from infinite reading; and comparing them with thofe of their facceflbrs in the feveral ages fince, I find there are certain hounds fet even to the irregularities of hu- man thought, and thofe a great deal narrower than is commonly apprehended. For as they all frequently in- terfere, even in their wildefl ravings ; fo there is one fundamental point, wherein they are fure to meet, as lines in a centre, and that is the community of worfien. Great were their folicitudes in this matter ; and they never failed of certain articles in their fchemes of wor- fliip, on purpofe to eflablifli it. The lafl: Fanatics of note, were thofe which flatted up in Germ any, after the reformationoi Luther; fpring- ing, as miijhrooms do at the end of a harveji. Such were John of Leyden, David George, Adam Neujler, and many others; whofe vifions and revelations always terminat- ed in leading about half a dozen fifJers a-piece, and mak- ing that pradice a fundamental part of their fyflem. For human life is a continual navigation ; and if we ex- ped our vejfels to pufs with fafety, through the waves and tempefls of this fluduating world; it is necelFary to [* Vid, rholium in e.xcerptis e Conoiic.'] Ff 2 , 228 On the mechanical operation of the fpirit. make a good provifion of the as ieamen lay in (lore of heefior: a long voyage. iN'ow, from this brief furvey of fome principal fefls among the Fanaticsy in ail ages, (having omitted the Mahometans and others, who might alfo help to con- firm the argument I arn about;) to which I might add feveral among ourfelves, fuch as the family of love,fweet fingers of If -ael, and the like; and from refle(51ing up- on that fundamental point in their doflrines, about ruo- meUy wherein they have fo unanimoufly agreed; I am apt to imagine, that the feed or principle which has e- ver put men upon vifioiis in things invifble^ is of a cor- poreal nature. For the profounder chymifls inform us, that the (Irongeft fphits may be extrafted from /;«- man flejh. Befides, the fpinal marrow, being nothing el(e but a continuation of the brain, mufl: needs create a very free communication between the fuperior faculties and thofe below : and thus the thorn in the fefl? ferves for a fpur to the fpirit, I think it is agreed among phyficians, that nothing affeds the head fo much as a lentiginous humour, repelled and elated to the upper region, found by daily pradice to run frequently up in- to madnefs. A very eminent member of the faculty alfured me, that when the fakers firfl appeared, he fel- dom was without fome female patients among them, for the furor Perfons of a vifionary devotion, either men or women, are, in their complexion, of all others the moil: amorous. For zeal is frequently kindled from the fame fpark with other fires, and from inflaming brother- ly love, will proceed to raife that of a gallant. If we infpcift into the ufual procefs of modern courtPaip, we fhall find it to confift in a devout turn of the eyes, cal- led ogling ; an artificial form of canting and whining by rote, every interval, for want of other matter, made up with a (hrug, or a hum; a figh, or a groan; the flyle compadt of infignificant words, incoherences and repe- On the mechanical operation of the fpirit- 229 tition. Thefe I take to be the moft accomplifhed rules of addrefs to a miftrefs; and where are thefe performed with more dexterity, than by the faints ? Kay, to bring this argument yet clofer, I have been informed by certain fanguine brethren of the fird clafs, that in the height and orgafmus of their fpiritual exer- cife, it has been frequent with them * # * * * * * immediately after which, they found the fplrit to relax and flag of a fudden with the nerves, and they were forced to haften to a conclufion. This may be farther ftrengthened, by obfetving with won- der, how unaccountably all females are attracted by vifionary or enthufiaftic preachers, though never fo contemptible in their oiitwai'd mien; which is ufnally fuppofed to be done upon confiderations purely fpi- ritual, without any carnal regards at all. But I have reafon to think, the fex hath certain charaderiltics, by which they form a truer judgment of human a- bilities and performings, than we, ourfelves can pof- fibly do of each other. Let that be as it will, thus much is certain, that however fpiritual intrigues begin, they generally conclude like all others; they may branch upwards towards heaven, but the root is in the earth. Too intenfe a contemplation is not the bufinefs of flefh and blood ; it mufl, by the neceffary courfe of things, in a little time, let go its hold, and full into matter. Lovers, for the fake of celeftial converfe, are but another fort of Plato^ nicSf who pretend to fee flars and heaven in ladies eyes, and to look or think no lower; but the fame pit is provided for both. And they feem a perfect moral to the ftory of that philofopher, who, while his thoughts and eyes were fixed upon the conJfellatP ciu^ found himf.*If feduced by his lovjer parts into a ditch. 23 ^ On the mechanical operation of the fptrlf, I had fomevvhat more to fay upon this part of the fubjeft; but the poft is juft going, which forces me in great hafte to conclude, SIR, ToiiRs, etc. Pray larn this letter as foon I as it comes to your bands. THE END. BOOKS printed and fold by Robert Urie, at his Printing-Office in the foot of the Salt-mercat. I. Mifcellanies in profe and verfe, in three volumes. By the right honourable, Jofeph Addifon ; Vol. I. Containing Dialogues upon the U^'eful- nefs of Ancient Medals, efpecially in Relation to the Latin and Greek poets. Vol. 2. Containing his Dramatic works, viz. Cato a tragedy. Rofa- mond an opera. The Drummer, or, the Haunted Houfe, a comedy. Vol. 3. Containing a full col- ledion of all his poems. II. The Taller and Guardian. Containing all the pa- pers in thefe two colledions, wrote by the right honourable Jofeph Addifon Efq. In one neat pocket volume. N. B. The papers of Mr. Addifon, publiflied by Sir Richard Steele in the Tatler and Guardian, are now collefled into one volume, and publilhedby them- felves. Nothing can be a greater encomium on them, than what Sir Richard has acknowleged in the lafl; numbers of thefe collections : “ And their excellence now may be bed gathered from their having given fo long a vogue to that vad heap of crude and undigeded things with which they are intermixed.” III. Difeourfes concerning Government; By Alger- non Sidney, fon to Robert earl of Leceder, and ambadador from the common wealth of England, to Charles Gudavus king of Sweden. To which are added, Memoirs of his Life, In 2. volumes. IV. Love of Fame, the Univerfal Paflion, In fe veil CharaCteridical Satires. V. A poem on the Lad Day. In three books. VI. The Complaint: Or, Night Thoughts on Life, Death, and Immortality. The above three by the reverend Edward Young, L. L. D. Vir. The Fair Circaflian ; a Dramatic Performance. Done from the original by a gentleman-Common- er of Oxford. To which are added feveral occa- fional poems. By the fame author. The 7th e- dition. VIII. Cocker’s Arithmetic. Being a plain and fa- miliar method, fuitable to the meanelt capacity for the full imderiianding of that incomparable art, as it is now taught by the ableh fchoof mailers in ci- ty and country. Compofed by Edward Cocker, late practitioner in the arts of Writing, Arithme^ tic, and Engraving. Being that fo long fince pro- mifed to the world. Perufed and publiilied by John Hawkins, Writing-mader near St. George’s Church in Southwark, from the author’s correCt co- py, and recommended to the world by many emi- nent Mathematicians and Writing-maders in and near London. Now revifed and corrected by John Mair. IX. An Introduction to Latin Syntax: Or, an Ex- emplification of the rules of ConltruCtion, as con- tained In Mr. Ruddiman’s Rudiments, without an- ticipating pofterior rules. The examples being generally Moral or Hiltorical fentences, taken, for the mod part, from the ,Clafiic authors, and tranfiated into Englifii. To which is fubjoined, an Epitome of Ancient hidory, from the Creation to the Birth of Chrid chronologically digedcd, be- ing intended as a proper means to initiate Boys in the dudy of Hidory, at the fame time that it ferves to improve them' in the knowlege of the Latin tongue. By John Mair. FINIS* I ‘ , i f' ’ Klf riEIIV CENTER I “