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J THE GENTLEMAN’S LETTER WRITER. \ Personfof Title, VILLAGE MUSEUM; or, How we Gathered Profit with Pleasure. By Rev. G. T. Hoard. HOW to COOK APPLES in ONE HUNDRED DIFFERENT WAYS. By Georgiana Hill. HOW to COOK and SERVE EGGS in ONE HUNDRED DIFFERENT WAYS. By Georgiana Hill. HOW to COOK RABBITS in ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FOUR DIFFERENT WAYS. By Georgiana Hill. EVERY DAY BLUNDERS in SPEAKING and WRITING. ONE HUNDRED WAYS of COOKING POTATOES. By Georgiana Hill. LONDON: GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS. MRS. BROWN’S VISIT TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2018 with funding from Getty Research Institute https://archive.org/details/mrsbrownsvisittoOOsket_O MRS. BROWN’S VISIT TO ’ THE PARIS EXHIBITION. ARTHUR SKETCHLEY, AUTHOE OF “ THE BBOWN PAPEBB. ,; LONDON: GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS THE BROADWAY, LUDOATE. In Fancy Cover, price Is., THE BROWN PAPERS. By Arthur Sketchley. HARRILD >36 LONDON TO THE READER. It may be necessary for me to give a short expla¬ nation of the circumstances under which I became cognizant of Mrs. Brown’s proceedings at the Paris Exhibition, and I will do so in as few words as pos¬ sible. It was on a remarkably-hot day in the early part of last month that I encountered Mrs. Brown at the Exhibition. She was seated at one of the refreshment stalls partaking of some bottled stout, sausage, bread and butter, which she termed “ a *asty smack,” though it certainly occupied a consider¬ able time to get through. It was during that repast that she told me a small portion of her adventures, in which I naturally felt so deep an interest that I availed myself of a kind invitation she gave me to pay her a visit and hear the sequel on her return to VI TO THE READER. town, as I was unfortunately unable to remain in Paris with her. But though not an eye-witness of all that befel her, I can vouch for the authenticity of all the statements made by this worthy lady, and recommend her as a safe guide for those who may desire to visit the Great Exhibition of 1867. Arthur Sketchley. London, 1 st June. MRS. BROWN’S VISIT TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. - « - I don't think, Mr. Scratchley, as ever I shall 'old up my 'ead agin, as the sayin' is, for of all the dead beat feelins as ever I had, this is the wust, and do, I assure you, as now I've got onto this chair, I feels as tho' I'd took root in it, for I never did see sich a place as this Paris for knockin' any one up, as well I remembers the last time as I were here, crippled me for months, and certingly I did wow and declare as nothink ever wouldn't make me come 'ere agin ; and when Brown come in and said as he was a-goin 5 to Paris, I says, f ‘ Well, then," I says, " leave me at 'ome but you see as 'uman natur is weak, and 'ere I am, tho' only arrived the night afore last, and wouldn't 'ave believed it, only Brown, he says as it would be a sin and a shame for to miss such a chance of goin' there for next to nothink ! X 2 MRS. BROWNES VISIT I says, “Whatever do you mean by next to nothink ?" “ Why/' says Brown, “ there's a party in the name of Cook as makes escursions all over the world." I says, “ Then I'm glad as I ain't 'is good lady; but," I says, “ do you mean to say as he makes sscursions all over the world, like as they did used to take us to the Bye 'Ouse of a Whit Monday ?" And well I remembers poor Mrs. Alder, the butcher's lady, as pitched out of the wan 'ead foremost thro' a-stretchin' out too far for to look at the wiew, and if she 'adn't stuck between the two sharfts and the 'osses tails, must 'ave been trampled to death in a instant, as shows as it's a mercy sometimes for to be a lusty figger, the same as Mrs. Beales, as trod on one of them round irons in the pavement as they lets the coals down thro', and if she'd been a inch less round the waist wouldn't never 'ave 'ung there a-danglin', till drawed up, thro' passin' of a clothes line, under 'er arm 'oles, as cut 'er dreadful, but better any 'ow than a wiolent death. Brown, he says, “ When you've quite done a- clackin', p'raps you'll listen to reason, as ain't a thing for to be looked for in a woman." I says, “Mr. Brown, you're mighty clever, no doubt-; but if you’re a-goin' to insult my sect, I don't want to hear no more about it." . TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 3 He says, “ Oh, pray, don’t ’ear if you don’t like ; but,” he says, “ as several friends of yourn is a-goin’, I thought p’raps as you’d like the trip, and all done with no trouble nor espence.” I says “Whoever is a-goin’ ?” “ Well,” he says, “ there’s Mr. and Mrs. Paine, and Miss Tredvvell, and Mr. and Mrs. Archbutt, and the Wellses.” I says, “ I ain’t no objection to the Archbutts, nor yet to Mrs. Wells, but as to ’er ’usband, he’s a reg’lar hidjit, and that Miss Tredwell is a hass.” He says, “ I never did ’ear such a woman to find fault as you are, Martha. Why, you’d find out blemishes in a hangel.” I says, “ That ain’t Miss Tredwell, tho’ you arc always a-cryin’ ’er up, for she’s no hangel.” Tho’ the moment as I ’eard she were a-goin’, I says, “I’m there,” for I wasn’t a-goin’ to let ’er ’ave a chance of pisonin’ Brown’s mind agin me, as I know’d as she’d glory in, for tho’ not a jealous disposition, and, goodness knows, no cause; yet it’s more than flesh and blood can stand, to think as your own ’usband’s been set agin you, with nobody nigh for to take your part. So I says, “ Weil then, Brown, let’s ’ear about it.” “Well,” he says, “it’s Cook's escursion,- as I were a-say in’.” 1 4 MRS. BROWN'S VISIT “Ah," I says, “let's 'ope there ain't too many cooks, as we all knows will spile the broth as I'm sure, Mr. Scratchley, is true with these 'ere French, as is all cooks; and I never tasted sich rubbish as their broth, as they calls bullion, as don't taste of nothink but of water and grease, as they'll lap up by the quart, as can't do ’em no good. Brown, he was a-losin' 'is temper, and says to me, “ Are you a-goin' to listen or not ?" I says, “ You needn't be down my throat, jest cos I opens my mouth." He says, “ Take and read it yourself." “ No," I says, “ you esplain it clear to me." “ Well, then," he says, “you can go and see this 'ere Exhibition in Paris, and stop a week, for about five pounds, as is cheap." “ Yes," I says, “ but none of their dirty 'oles to live in, and all manner of beastliness for to eat, as the werry sight on gives me the 'errors." He says, “ I've heard say as everythink is fust- rate, and as Mr. Cook looks arter it all 'isself, as is a 'ighly respectable party." “Well," I says, “I should ’ope so, or else you won't ketch me a-filanderin' about Paris with him, as is a bold place; and you do ought for to be werry careful 'ow you goes on, for them foreigners is a lot as p^akes uncommon free." “ Well," says Brown, “ I dop't think as you'll TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. ketch any one a-makin' too free with you in a hirry.” “ Ah,” I says, “ Brown, there was a time when you wouldn't 'ave spoke that light about it.” “ Yes,” he says, “ that were afore you took to a front,” and bursts out a-larfin', as 'urt my feeling', though I wouldn't let 'im see it. (i Well,” he says, “are you agreeable for to go ?” I says, “ I am. Brown, thro' 'avin' wowed for to obey you.” “ Oh,” he says, “ don't mind that; stop at 'ome if you likes.” I says, “No, Mr. Brown, I goes where you goes, and stops where you stops.” “ Well, then,” he says, “ be ready by Saturday.” And so I was, tho' not a day as I likes to leave ^ome. Somehow I didn't feel as I were a-goin' on Saturday, and so it turned out, for on Friday evenin' Brown said as we wasn't to start till the Tuesday follerin'. I was werry glad to 'ave the time for to get ready, and certingly I must say as Mrs. Porter, as is the laundress, 'ad got me up two muslings beautiful, as was lovely dresses—one a orange striped with green, and the other a blue, with large yaller leaf *airunnin' all over it. 6 MRS. BROWN'S VISIT I wouldn't 'ave no scarcity of clothes,, so took my large 'air-trunk, as is a useful size, and did once 'ave brass nails all round, as was nearly all picked out by a cockatoo with a yaller top-knot, as was brought from sea by a captain as once lodged with me, and was kep' on a perch with a chain to 'is leg, jest long enough to reach that box, only one night, and not a nail in the top on it as he hadn't picked out afore mornin'. I couldn't find the key of that box nowheres, so sent to the locksmith as fitted one in. I don't think as ever I did feel a 'otter morning than that Tuesday as we started; and of all the tempers as ever a man did show, it was Brown, as I says, “ Really it's quite awful for anyone asisgoin' to sea for to use sich langwidge over a boot-lace, as is enough to bring down a judgment on you the same as that boy as went to sea thro' a-sayin' don't care, and was tore to bits by lions, as I know it's true is found there, thro' a seein’ one myself at the Jewlogical Gardens, as was that tame and fondled the sailor as 'ad ketched 'im for all the world like a lap-dog. Not as I should 'ave cared for 'is nasty slimy ways. I do think as them cabmen was born for torments, for if that there idjot as come to take us to the railway didn't take and drop my box slap onto my bandbox, as it's lucky I tied up in a old shawl, or it wouldn't TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 7 never 'ave 'ung together, and my leghorn bonnet a pancake when I took it out. My last words to Mrs. Challin, as 'ad come to take care of the 'ouse, was, “ Mind as you waters the plants in the back parlor winder, and feeds my bird, not a-forgettin' of the cat,” as I’m sure knowed as I was a-goin', for he'd been and 'id 'isself jest like a Christshun, as many can't a-bear sayin' good-bye, as I'm one myself. The 'oss went off with sich a jerk as nearly throwed me 'ead first thro' the winder, and Brown, that savage, a-sayin', “ Whatever are you a-buttin' at?'' I says, “I ain't a-buttin' at nothink, but,'' I says, “I do feel that faint as I must have a somethink,'' for I was all of a tremble, as if somethink was a-goin' to 'appen, and arter I'd took a drain I felt better; but them railways always upsets me with their screamins, as there can't be no sense in. I was well wrapped up, for Mrs. Challin, she says to me, “ Depend on it as you'll feel the sea that chilly as might give you a cold as would lay you up,'' as I know'd it certingly might, for I remem¬ bers a cold as I took, when a gal, thro' a-bathin at Margate, as is the reason as I've never took a bath since. So I wore my coburg cloth and a netted spencer under it, with my welwet cape and a warm shawl. I'd got on a pair of them webbin' 8 MRS. BROWNES VISIT shoes and lamb's-wool stocking for tho' the weather was that sultry, I wasn't a-goin' to leave off nothink, a-rememberin' well the old sayin', “ afore May is out, ne'er cast a clout," tho' I'd took my muslings for to look dressy over there, for I know'd as Paris were a dressy place, and I'm sure the way as you gets stared at, nobody wouldn't credit. I was glad when I was safe in the carriage, and werry nice company, I must say, partickler a lady and gentle¬ man as was a-settin' opposite me, as 'ad got my face to the 'osses. They was elderly both, but seemed for to enjoy life, and the old gentleman, he says, “Ah, mum, we couldn't 'ave done this when we was young, as steam wasn't born nor thought on." I says, “ Sir, you'll escuse me that it were, for I well remembers I was only a gal when a party as lived somewhere out Brompton way, as 'ad a steam cooking-machine, and blow'd 'is own 'ead off thro' a-tamperin' with the taps a-showin' of it to parties as 'ad come to dinner, which in course under them •circumstances he never tasted, poor feller. I was quite young that time as they opened that railway and killed the Duke of Wellin'ton, werry nigh, as was only saved thro' some one else a-throwin' 'isself under the wheels for to save 'im." The old gentleman says, “Excuse me, mum, but you've got 'old of the wrong story." TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 9 I says, “ Well,” I says, “ that's what my own mother told me, as was one as would ’ave scorned a false’ood; and certingly I remember myself once being aboard a steamer a-goin’ to Margate with a aunt of mine, as the biler on bust and ’ad to be took over the side aboard of another, and thought as we’d lost every rag of clothes as turned up when least expected on the Margate jetty, tho’,” I says, “ I’m not a-goin’ to deny as steam is a wonderful inwention, for all that.” “ Yes,” says the old gent, “ and found out all by accident.” I says, “Yes, and dreadful accidents, too; for I’m sure it’s enough to make you trimble all over to take up the paper, and,” I says, “ I’m sure to read about the way as the train run right over a bridge the other day.” “ Oh,” says the old lady, “ pray don’t, mum, for I’m that nervous, as any illusions to accidents, and I must get out at the fust station.” “ Ah,” I says, “ some is so; but, law, it’s no use a-thinkin’ about it, for my part, whenever I goes out anywheres I gives myself up for lost, and then don’t think no more about it, tho’,” I says, “ for to end piecemeal ain’t what any one would like.” Brown, he says, “ Drop it, can’t you, don’t you see as you’re a-makin’ this good lady quite faint, so drop it.” 10 MRS. BROWN’S VISIT I did; and talkin’ of dropping I thought as I must ’ave been melted down with the ’eat, tho’ a- facin’ of the wind as blowed things into my face constant, and a somethink got in my eye, as was hagony till the old gentleman got it out with ’is gold ling, as I’ve ’eard say is a fine thing for the eye, partikler for to cure a sty. ’Owever Mr. Cook could manage to ’ave the sea that calm as it were a lookin’-glass, I could never make out, till a young gent as were a-settin’ by me says, “ Why not ?” I says, " Because we all know as them elephants is outrageous when let loose, as I knows well, for when I come afore I thought as every moment was my last, and looked for’ard quite nat’ral to a briny grave.” Says the young chap, " Would you try ’omy- pathy ?” " Well,” I says, "I’d owe any one a good deal as would save me from them suffrages.” " Oh,” he says, “ one of these powders will keep it off.” "Well,” I says, "I wish as you’d’ave kep’ it off me;” for he was a-goin’ to take a powder, and if the wind didn’t take and blow it all into my face, and a lot went into my eye, as was quite throw’d away, thro’ not bein’ a part as sea-sickness is a trouble to. TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 11 I don't think as I should 'ave 'ad a qualm, only- some nasty blacks was a-settin' near me as give way to their feelin's disgustin'. So I says, “You dirty black beast," I says, “ 'ow dare you to do it!" He says, “Me no go for to do it. No me fault." I says, “ Yes, it is." I says, “ Why can't you turn your nasty black face away from anybody ?" As is always a unpleasant sight, for if there is a thing in this world as I 'ates it's a black man; not but what of course they've got their feelin's, only they always gives me a turn some'ow, not but what I've know'd 'em that affable as you’d quite take to 'em, and as to cookin', they're wonderful clever, tho' I don't never quite fancy the wittles. I've 'eard a deal about their ways over there in “ Robinson Crusoe," tho' certainly that Friday were a kind-'arted savage, as seemed fond of his Pa, as is 'uman natur still tho' black. I felt a little bit squeamy once, but only for 'arf a minit like, and wouldn't touch nothink but a glass of bitter ale; and all as I've got to say is, that if ever any one did rule the waves it's Mr. Cook's escursions. When we got to Dieppe, Brown says to me, “ Old gal, it won't never do for us to get to Paris in the 12 MRS. BROWNS YISIT middle of tlie night or towards morning so I tell you what it is, we’ll go on to Ruin.” “Well,” I says, “I don’t ’old with goin’ to Ruin, as we could ’ave gone to long ago at once but for care and a-lookin’ to the main chance, but if you’re a-goin there I’ll foller.” He says, “ It’s a fine old town, and we can sleep there, and get on to Paris to-morrer.” I says, “I’m agreeable.” I ain’t got nothink to say agin Ruin, as cer-i tingly is a fine town, but I’m sure the fall as I got a-gettin’ into bed with them spring mattresses, as is wobbly sort of things, and thro’ me not bein’ over active in climbin’, was a buster. I got into the bed and slipt off agin in a instant, and don’t think as ever I should ’ave got up agin if Brown ’adn’t come in to ’elp me, and no bones broke, only a good deal shook. It certingly is wonderful for to see them old churches, that crumbly as you wouldn’t think as they could ’ang together for a minit and called Ruin accordin’, and w r erry fine ruins they certingly is; yet I was werry glad for to get on to Paris thro’ my things bein’ sent thro’, and ’adn’t a change of nothin’ for to sleep in, as ain’t pleasant in a foreign land. It’s werry well for Brown, as got shaved in the mornin’; but, law, I didn’t -feel myself like myself. TO THE PABIS EXHIBITION. 13 Of all the rain as ever I did see, it come down all the way to Paris, as is thro* green fields; and you wouldn’t think foreign parts not to look at ’em; and when we got to Paris, you never did the crowds a-fightin’ for to get a cab was wonderful to see. Talk of French politeness, I’m sure that’s rubbish, for the way as they pushed and shoved about was downright English; and as to them porters, they didn’t mind nothink as I said. They was certingly werry perlite over my luggage, and well they might be, for I ’adn’t nothin’ smuggled; and they asked me if I’d any¬ thing for to declare. “ Yes,” I says, “ I can declare as they’re my lawful property.” Says the interpreter, “ They don’t mean that.” I says, “ What do they mean ?” “ Why,” he says, “anything for duty.” I says, “ In course not, and shouldn’t say so if I ’ad; let ’em find it.” I do think we was over a ’our a-waitin’ for that cab, and got one at last; and ’adn’t to go werry far to where we was a-goin’ to stop, as is a ’ome as Mr. Cook ’ad prowided, and a mercy too, for of all the charges I never did, as Mrs. Archbutt met a friend as told her they was chargin’ ’arf a crown for a cup of tea as wasn’t drinkable, tho’ it did 14 MRS. BROWN'S VISIT ought to be, for the price is somethink frightful; and Pm sure would be worth anyone's while for to bring over a pound or two, as nobody needn't pay more than four shillin's now-a-days, as is a 'igh price, and not to be 'ad decent for three times the money in Paris. I was glad for to get a cup of tea any'ow when I got to where we was a-goin', and fell in with the others as 'ad come on, and dead beat they was, as is only nat'ral; and there was that Miss Tredwell a-howlin' with the tooth-ache, and Mrs. Paine, she'd been and lost all 'er things, as made Paine go on any 'ow than was becomin' of a Christshun. As to Mrs. Wells, she's one of them poor 'aporths of cheese as is always a-goin' to faint, and did ought to 'ave stopped at 'ome; and as to Wells, he ain’t no more feelin' than a cobbler's lap- stone, as the sayin' is; and 'er always a-cryin' as he didn't love her, and quite bothered me aboard the steamer, a-sayin' as he did used once to doat on the ground as she walked on afore she lost 'er eye, as certingly is a blemish, but not one to set a man agin 'is lawful wife; for I do believe as Brown would love me all the same, and p'raps more, if my 'ead was to be knocked off to morrer, as is ong of them back-bone characters as never changes till you dies, as is what I call a true-'afted, man, tho' a rough temper,- and • will speak 'is mind; and TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 15 1 worry nigh give a man a ’ot-un at the railway as was a-shovin’ of ’im about too free, as it's a duty not for to let them French trample you under foot, as they’d glory in, no doubt, but will have their work cut out to do it; leastways, that’s what I thinks. I don’t think as ever I did feel more fresher than when I started for to see that Exhibition, and ’ad words with Miss Tredwell a-correctin’ of me, and sayin’, as it were a Exposishun. “Well,” I says, “ I shouldn’t think of settin’ you right in a ’buss full of people as knows my way about, p’raps, as well as you, though I never was at boardin’ school in France,” as she kep’ on a-blowin’ about, and a-sayin’ as ’er accens was quite Parishion, and yet, whenever she did open ’er mouth, there wasn’t a soul as understood ’er, and that obstinate as would ’ave she were right, tho’ aperient to every one as she were wrong all over, and made ’erself that ridiculous with the ’buss man over the fare as takes your money as soon as ever you gets in, but she says,“Nong payez oncor Jammy,” but ’ad pretty soon to, or out he d ’ave ’ad her as ’ad a glary eye, and didn’t seem for to care about the English, as, no doubt, many French can’t a-bear ’em as ’ad, p’raps, their own relations prisoners, same as them as made them little straw boxes . and things as my dear mother ’ad one on ’er own self as they, made,, 16 MBS. BROWN'S TISIT poor things, and no wonder, as must 'ave 'ad the time 'ang 'eavy on their 'ands, 'cos, when a young woman, my dear mother lived lady's maid with a officer's lady as 'ad the charge on 'em, and told me as 'er 'art bled for ’em, and so did her missuses, partikler for one grey-headed old party as were a Count, or something, and was always a-frettin' and a-takin' on, and that kind lady did used to speak to 'im gentle like, and 'is poor old French eyes would fill up with tears, but, bless you, that proud as they dursn't offer 'im not a pinch of snuff as a favor, but at last let out as he'd got a daughter as was a- dyin', as he'd give 'is life for to see once more; and he did, too, for that officer's lady she never rested till she got him changed for somebody else, and I've 'eard mother say as 'is daughter got quite well, and growed a lusty figger, and come over to England with 'er pa in long gold ear-rings, and 'er 'air done in bows, with bishop's sleeves, as was all the go in them days. So I always feels for them French, for who knows as they mayn't some on 'em be prisoners now, same as they did used to be, shet up till the mob bust in, burnt the Pastiles, and found one as was foolish in 'is 'ead, as, no doubt, too much on 'em would make any one, as is faint smellin' things, and I don't 'old with 'em, not even for a sick room,, as a little fresh hair wont never do no 'arm in. TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 17 Fm sure, talk of the tower of Babylond, it Couldn’t ’ave been nothink to that Exhibition, as is a reg’lar confusion of everythink, and all worked by steam-ingins, as is a-goin’ like mad all around you, for all the world like the sausage-machine as I well remembers near Shoreditch Church, as caught the man as made ’em by the apron, and if he hadn’t ’ad the presence of mind for to undo the little brass ’art as fastened it behind, he’d ’ave been sausage-meat in a minit, and no one never the wiser, as in course they wouldn’t, for a clean apron wouldn’t give no taste, leastways not as could be unwholesome. I must say as it’s downright wonderful ’oweve they could ’ave got the things together, and all a-workin’ away, as I see them myself a-makin’ soap with the naked eye; not as I’m one to stand a-starin’ without a-encouragin’ the preformance, as I considers mean; and I’m sure a cake of soap is a thing as always comes in useful, partikler in France, where they ain’t much give to usin’ on it; for it’s a thing as you never do see in a bed-room, and for that matter the washin’ things don’t seem made for use; not but what I’ve seen ’em quite as useless in England, and will say as them French beds is beautiful clean down to the mattress, as I’m sure there’s many a one in England as the tickin’ on won’t bear the daylight, and ain’t never changed from year’s end to year’s end; and as to washin’ 2 18 MRS. BROWN’S VISIT the blankets, why, there was old Mrs. Hamby as lived next door to me at Stepney, she qnifce blew me np for ’avin’ my blankets washed, as she said wore ’em out afore their time. It’s downright wonderful for to see all them savage foreigners a-goin’ about that tame, as no doubt they’re afraid for to come any of their wagaries, as they’res lots of sojers about as would make dog’s-meat on ’em in no time, and serve ’em right if they was to try it on, with their ’eathen ways; as they let’s ’em ride about on the top of their camels, just to keep ’em quiet, as was all werry well for them, but I wouldn’t ’ave clomb up on one of them ’ump-backed brutes was it ever so, but quite good enough for them as rode ’em. I was that stunned with the row as them steam-ingins kep’ up, that I says to Mrs. Arch¬ butt, “ My ’eads that whirl, as take somethink I must.” So she says, “ I’m a-famishin’.” And, jest then, up come Mr. Wells, and says as he’d ’ad a glass of pale ale, as ’ad done ’im that good, and made a man on ’im. Sol says, “ Wherever did you get it ?” He says, “Jest out at that door.” I says, “We’re sure to find you somewheres about.” He says, “ All right.” And off we goes for to pQ\ TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 19 get a little beer, and come right on to a English refreshment-place, where there was a lot of lovely gals certingly, but looked that ’aughty as you’d ’ave thought they was royal families. I ’ad a bottle of stout, as they was werry perlite tho’, sayin’ as the waiter would serve me, and seemed for to look on me as a mother like, no doubt a-feelin’ lonesome in that desultory sitivation, and with all them bold foreigners a-starin’ at ’em, as certingly ain’t got nothin’ like ’em in the way of fieldmales not all over the place ; tho’ I must say as them Frenchwomen ’as a way with them as is uncommon takin’, and dresses well even in their shops, as it must take ’arf the mornin’ for to do their ’air. I don’t think as ever I did enjoy any think more than that porter, and me and Mrs. Archbutt was a- settin’ ’avin’ of our joke over some of them parties, and I says to Mrs. Archbutt, I says, “ She was in the way when noses was paid out,” illudin’ to a party with, I do think, the longest nose as ever I did see a-protrudin’ from a ’uman countingouse; “and,” I says, “’ow ridiculous young she is dressed, as ’ll never see fifty no more. And,” I says, “ do look at the old guy as is with ’er, with ’is false teeth, and ’air and whiskers dyed.” I was a-runnin’ on, and Mrs. Archbutt says to me, “What a one you are to go on l” 20 MRS. BROWNES VISIT I says, “ I can't a-bear to see old fools, for they're the worst of fools." If that old woman with the nose didn't turn on me and say, in English, a & “ I were a disgrace to my country, a-settin' there abusin' people." I thought I should 'ave died, for if she wasn't English, and 'im too. It's lucky as I'd paid for the porter, for I jumps up and 'urries off a-leavin' Mrs. Archbutt for to foller; and if that spiteful old feller with the dyed 'air didn't tell a waiter as I'd bolted without payin', as come arter me, and would 'ave ended unpleasant, only the other waiter as I 'ad paid spoke up like a man. So I give it that old scarecrow well, and says to 'im, “ I've a good mind to spile your beauty for you, and knock some of them false teeth down your story-tellin' throat." Poor Mrs. Archbutt, she says, Oh, pray don't, Mrs. Brown." I says, (( I ain't a-goin' to be trampled on, mum, not if I knows it." But I pretty near was, for if them niggers on the camels didn't come by, and if it 'adn't been as one of them chaps in cocked 'ats pulled me sharp out of the way, I do believe as I should 'ave been pulverized like the dust under their feet. When I come to myself, I looks round for Mrs. Archbutt, and if she wasn't disappeared, as I TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 21 thought werry unfeelin' for to leave me like that; but I says, “ No doubt they ain't none on 'em far off." So I walks all round thro' them refreshment- places a-lookin' for Brown, but not a westment on 'im wasn't wisible nowheres. So I stops one of them police, and says to 'im, “ Brown—passy ici," as I know’d was French for “ pass here." He stares at me, and then jabbers somethink about “passy," and I say, “Yes, passy. Brown." So he calls one of them interpreter I chaps, as come up and says, “ You vant Pascy ?" I says, “No, I can passy myself, but 'ave you see anythink of my good gentleman in the name of Brown, as is a fine-figgered man, in a dark surtoo, with drab pants, and a bend in 'is back like a ma¬ gistrate, as many 'as often said to me, “ Mrs. Brown, mum, to foller your good gentleman, any one would take 'im for a royal family behind, as is a noble forehead with a commandin' nose, and any one could tell in a instant among a thousand, with a eye like a 'awk a-beamin' on you." So I says, “'ave you see 'im anywheres about ?" If that idjot didn't say as he couldn't comprehend ! “Well," I says, “you must be a born natural, not to understand, and call yourself a interpreter, I as understands every think, leastways did ought to; and," I says, “ I won't come out agin without 'is photygrapht, as any one would tell 'im by, tho' only 22 MRS. BROWNES VISIT a shilling yet a faithful likeness, leastways enough for to show what he might be." I was a-wanderin' about like any one deserted, and wonderin' 'owever I should get 'ome agin with all that wilderness of people, when all of a sudden I see Brown 'isself a-walkin' that leisurely as if nothink 'ad 'appened. I did feel that aggrawated, and I says to 'im, (t Your a nice man, to call yourself a'usband." He says, “ What's the row ?" “ Why," I says, “ 'ere you've been and lost me for 'ours, and as cool as tho' I'd never lost sight on you." “ Oh," he says, “ I know'd you'd turn up. Like a bad shillin', sure to come back." I don't think as ever I did see such a conquest of people, and 'busses, and cabs, and coaches, all a-strugglin' for to get away, and it's wonder as they wasn't all smashed up together. I says, “ Brown, 'owever are we to get 'ome ?" “ Oh," he says, “ all right, there's a cab been telegraphed for, as Mrs. Wells and Mrs. Archbutt is in, down here." I says, “ Telegraphed for, 'ow is that done ?" “ Oh," he says, “ quite easy, jest the same as callin' for it." I says, “ I wish as they'd telegraph us 'ome," for my feet was that hagony as I could 'ardly bear to put 'em to the ground. TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 23 tc Oh,” he says, “ it ain't far ; come on, and put your best leg foremost.” I says, “ Brown, 'owever can you be a-talkin' about my legs like that, afore strangers too,” not as there was any there as cared about showin' their legs. I was a-tryin' for to get along as well as I could, when we got up to where the cab was a-comin' along with Mrs. Archbutt and Mrs. Wells in it, as is both full figgers, and there was Miss Tredwell in, too; as filled it chuck full, as the sayin' is. So as soon as Miss Tredwell see me, she says as she’d get out and walk, as she should prefer, as is 'er bold ways a-likin' to be always a-charfin' and talkin'. I was that dead beat as I couldn't say 'er nay, for walk I couldn't, and three was as much as ever that cab could 'old, and squeezy work it was ; but we managed it, and off we goes, and 'adn't got 'arf a mile when, in turnin' the corner pretty sharp, I 'eard a Crunch, and then came a bump, and oyer we was. There was Mrs. Wells a-yellin' and Mrs. Archbutt a-ravin', and there come a crowd, and them police, as got the door open and begun a- pullin' at me like mad, a-tearin' my clothes off my back and a-goin' on like anythink in their langwidge. ’Ow they did get us out I don’t know, and a deluge of rain a-cornin' down in torrents as drenched us pretty nigh. 24 MRS. BROWN’S VISIT I says to Mrs. Archbutt, “ Do come on into this caffee,” as it’s lucky as I know’d tbe French for brandy; and the little as we took brought us round, tho’ Mrs. Wells kep’ a-sayin’ as it would be ’er death, as bein’ out in the wet was always fatal to ’er. I says, “ You ain’t neither sugar nor salt, as a drop of rain should melt youand it’s well as she wasn’t, for we ’ad to walk thro’ it, and a pretty row we ’ad with that cabman, as ’ad been paid, and I sup¬ pose wanted to be paid for ’is wheel as he did ought to ’ave ’ad put on stronger. I give the card as ’ad my address on to the police, and then they let us go; and a nice bother we ’ad to get to where we _ was stoppin’, and that sopped as I went to bed the instant as I got in, fully expectin’ as I’d got my death of cold ; and asked the young woman as was English to bring me a cup of tea for to take the chill out of me. It was a werry nice room, and all my things was in it as ’ad been moved out of the room as we slep’ in the night afore; and glad I was to be in bed and a-thinkin’ as Brown wouldn’t be long. I ’ad dozed off when I ’eard a ’ammerin’ at the door as waked me up, and I says “ ’Ow foolish on me, I’ve been and brought the key inside with me as they can’t open the door withoutand thinkin’ it was Brown, I gets out of bed and goes to open the door jest as I were, and says, “ Come in,” and if there didn’t TO THE PAEIS EXHIBITION. 25 stand there two young English jackanapeses, as bust out a-larfin’ as soon as ever they see me. I was a-goin’ to slam the door, but they was too quick for me, and one on ’em puts his foot in it and says, “ Come, none of that, you’ve kep’ us waitin’ long enough.” I says, “ Go away you wagabones, or I’ll call for ’elp.” They says, “ Go away yourself as ’as got our bed-room.” I says, “ Never! the chambermaid put me ’ere, ’ere I stopsand I says, “ you’d better be off, or I’ll raise the ’ouse, and my ’usband ’ll soon settle your ’ash.” They says, “ Oh, come, none of that, this is our room, and you come out on it, and that’s all about it;” and if they wasn’t a-comin’ in. I ’oilers out ’elp, murder, fire, and all manner, and there was a pretty filli loo, as the sayin’ is, for out come lots of people in their dishabillies, and up comes Brown and Mr. Wells, as ’ad been settin’ up smokin’; and if that stupid gal ’adn’t been and put me into the wrong room, as I ’ad to turn out on thro’ bein’ a double-bedded one, and I says, “ Brown, I’m sure, if things goes on like this, I’m not a-goin’ to stand it, and ’ome I goes.” “ Oh,” he says, “ go to sleep; you’ll be all right in the mornin’.” But it was ever so long 26 MRS. BROWN’S VISIT afore I did drop off agin, for I wouldn’t ’ave ’ad any one see me the figger as I was ’ad it been ever so, and I see that Miss Tredwell all of a broad grin a- starin’ at my night cap, and wouldn’t never ’ave come out of ’er room only she’d got all ’er back ’air down as she’s proud on, tho’ all false. As to Mr. Wells, he come out and behaved like a downright savage in his night-shirt, a-swearin’ frightful as I’d been and scared ’is wife to death. I says, “ Oh, rubbish, fiddle-sticks, your wife’s a mask of affectation.” “ Well,” he says, “ I don’t care about her, but ain’t a-goin’ to ’ave my rest broke like this, and shall get other quarters.” I says, “ Get ’em, and good riddience of bad rubbish,” and goes in and slams my door, and Brown in course sided agin me, and said it was my stupid¬ ness ; and, bless you, I couldn’t get to sleep for ever so long thro’ the noise in the streets, as is never endin’. The next mornin’ as soon as breakfast were over. Wells says, “ We’re off—good-day,” quite short, as I only says, “’Opes you may better yourself,” and didn’t say no more thro’ a-goin’ to dress for the Exhibition, as I put on my musling with the flounces for to be cool, and off we set in a party, agreein’ for to be independent and meet among the picters about one o’clock, as is my delight, and could look at by the hour together. TO THE PAEIS EXHIBITION. 27 I don't think as ever I did see sich a lot of lovely picters as yon keeps a-walkin' round and round thro' all day, leastways me and Mrs. Archbutt did one day, for 'er and me agreed for to keep together, and as to goin' thro' all them gardens along with Brown, that I couldn't, was it ever so. Me and Mrs. Archbutt was a-settin' a-talkin', and if there wasn't a lot of them French a-makin' remarks on us, and a-grinnin', as I says a set of grinnin' baboons, that's what I calls them; tho' certingly Mrs. Archbutt is one of them parties as looks con¬ spicuous, as the sayin' is, for she’s as broad as she's long, and a face that red as flambeaus is a fool to it, and will dress that showy, a-sayin' as blue becomes 'er and made 'er look young, as is 'er fancy, poor thing, as nobody with a ’art wouldn't contradict 'er in, as is a 'armless delusion as ever I know'd. So them French kep' a-makin' remarks, and at last Mrs. Archbutt says to me, “ I should like for to tell 'em my mind, the low willins; 'ow dare they, and whatever," says she, “ can they see for to larf at in you, mum," I says, “ I were not awear as they were a-larfin' at me, as I thought it was you as they was a-turnin' into ridicule as made me feel ’urt." She says, (s They're starin' at you." I says, “ I don't know as I'm one as ever any¬ one 'ad the impidence for to stare at, as I'm sure 28 MRS. BROWNES VISIT I never gives no encouragement to parties like that, tho' when a gal couldn't never 'elp parties starin/ thro' me a-bein' that attractive, as I always were much admiredfor, when I was quite a child, I remembers well bein' dressed for a party as I were a-goin' to in a white frock and a green spencer, with a bow behind, and three tucks with work between 'em; a pink sash, and red morocco shoes, with a red coral necklace, and pink glaize musling gloves; with a straw 'at and cherry-coloured ribbins, and was that admired as parties as come for to put out the kitchen chimbly, as 'ad took fire accidental, couldn't do nothink for starin' at me, and let it blaze out, as brought the ingins, and cost my own uncle five pounds, as were a retired calender, and lived comfortable in 'is own 'ouse near Pentonville, tho' a citizen and a liveryman, with a family wault in St. Magnus church, close agin London Bridge, where he lays buried to this werry day, tho' there was a talk of bein' obliged to move 'im for to build New London Bridge. I see Mrs. Archbutt a-turnin' up 'er nose, and begun a-tellin' me about a nobleman as 'ad kissed is 'and at 'er out of 'is cabrioly in High Park, as is more likely as he were a-takin' a sight at 'er for a reg'lar old fright. I must say, as the wittles and drink at that Exhibishun is beautiful, though not over whole- TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 29 some I shouldn’t say, thro’ them mixtures as they takes; and as I were a-gettin’ peckish, as the sayin’ is, I says to Mrs. Archbutt, “ Let’s go and ’ave a somethink, if it’s only a mouthful.” She says, “ We’ll go to the English refresh¬ ments, for then I knows what I’m eatin’.” “Well,” I says, “it’s pretty much the same everywheres; but,” I says, “ I’ve got a fancy for something French.” “But,” she says, “if we leaves the picters, we shall miss the others as promised to come and meet us.” “ Oh,” I says, “ we’ve waited long enough for them; come along, we’re sure to meet ’em some- wheres.” So off we set; but, law, I got that bothered as I couldn’t find my way out, but kep’ a-walkin’ round and round till I werry near dropped, and then I asks a party as put me in the way to get out; and as soon as ever I come to one of them refreshments, I reg’lar dropped into a seat. Well, one of them French gassons come up a-askin’ me what I’d ’ave, as didn’t know what to ask for; so was obligated for to take a sweet cake, and ’ave a glass of their beer, as is the beastliest stuff as ever I did taste, and along with the sweet made Mrs. Archbutt ’eave frightful, a-sayin’ as I’d been a-playin’ a trick on ’er. I only took one 30 MRS. BROWNES VISIT mouthful myself, and that was a buster, I can tell you, for anyone to bear. What the feller charged I couldn't make out, but set there and took it out in rest, as was needful, for my feet was a-throbbin' fit to bust, tho' I 'ad got myself a pair of them white boots as is that easy, but don't show the foot off, I must say. “ Now," I says, “ Mrs. Archbutt, we said as we'd be 'ome early thro' a-thinkin' for to go and see the'Ipperdrome this evenin'; and," I says, u we'll start," and so we did, for I don't think as anyone can stand more than a hour or so in that Exhibishun. So we walks out of the gate, and I says to one of them cock 'at perlice, “ Omblibus, Parry," and thought as I should know the place by sight as I wanted for to get down at. I thought as that omblibus wasn't a-goin’ the right way; no more it wasn't, for if they didn't take us out to Passy, as they calls it. So I gets out and says to the conductor, “ Whatever is to become on two lone fieldmales, in a foreign land; we must go back." But he only jab¬ bered something, and pulled that there bell as he'd kep' a-ringin' every minit all the way in my ear, and pretty nigh drove me mad, and away goes the 'buss. I says, “ Whatever are we to do ?" for I didn't know my way no more than a uninhabited island, and was afraid for to walk on, a-thinkin' we might be a-goin' wrong; and what with the dust and the TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 31 showers as kep' a-comin' up, we was nice figgers; when who should come by in a one-'orse shay but the Wellses, as we said as we wouldn't 'ave nothink to do with, through their a-goin’ off like that, as pulled up, and said as they was a-livin’ out Passy way, and said as we’d better come and ’ave some refreshments, as, indeed, we wanted bad enough; and Wells he made hisself werry agreeable, and said as he felt sorry as he’d spoke sharp about bein’ disturbed, as was ’is temper; and as to goin’ to Passy, they’d agreed for to do that afore thro’ ’avin’ friends there as was a-stoppin’ out in pension, and found it more quieter and cooler than Paris. I never was more glad of anythink than the tea and cold meat as we got at that pension; as Mrs. Wells says to me, “Why ever don’t you come ’ere and stop ?" Well, I says, “ I don't think as Brown would fancy bein' a pensioner, as is a proud temper, tho' you wouldn't think it for to look at 'im. But," I says, “ 'owever are we to get 'ome ?" But, law,' the people of the house was that obligin', as they saw us to a 'buss as took us close where we was a-stoppin', as is out beyond the Shopy Dantin, where the 'busses runs to, and no doubt should 'ave got 'ome all right, and in good time, only Mrs. Archbutt she says to me[ “ They'll all be gone to the 'Ipperdrome, as they calls the surk, so let's get out, and dawdle along a bit." 32 MRS. brown’s visit I was that tired as I didn’t care about it, but didn’t like for to seem ill-natured; so out we gets jest agin the Magalin, as they calls the church, as isn’t a bit like the chapel over agin the Black- friars Road, where parties did used to go for to ’ear the singin’ of a Sunday. Well, out we gets, and walks along the Bonly- wards, and Mrs. Archbutt, she says, “ What are they a-doin’ there ?” I says, “ Oh, nothink.” She says, “ It’s music. Oh, law, the band,” she says, “ as I doats on. Come on,” and ’urries down one of them wide streets where the soldiers was a-walkin’ up to where there’s a ’igh column, with Bonyparty on the top. Well, when them soldiers got there, they stops, and there wasn’t many on ’em, and not much of a band to speak on; and so I tells Mrs. Archbutt. “Oh!” she says, “they’ll play directly as is awfully grand.” We was a-standin’ talkin’ agin that column, when they set up all of a sudden a-beatin’ them drums that loud as made me jump out of my skin. I says, “ Mrs. Archbutt, it’s my opinion as it’s a riverlution broke out, as werry often ’appens, and they’re a-goin’ to fire; so,” I says, “ let’s run for it,” and jest then the ’orns and trumpets blowed TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 33 like mad, and I takes to my 'eels, and runs like anythink; but, as bad luck would 'ave it, I fell over a old gentleman's poodle-dog, as would 'ave bit me, no doubt, only for a little wirework thing as he wore over 'is mouth as stopped him, but 'is 'owls was awful; and if the old feller didn't call me wile names, and 'it on the ground with 'is cane as come down a topper on my foot, as gave me that hagony as I give him a pretty good-un over the shins with my umbreller. Up come the police, as I couldn't make com¬ prehend nothink; and if that fool Mrs. Arclibutt didn't set up a squealin' as made things ten times wuss, and we should ’ave been locked up, only a party as was cornin' by, as were English, explained matters for me; not as I said anythink about the riverlution, but only as the drums an' trumpets ’ad give me a sudden fright, and so tht y 'ad, and when I did get 'ome I was more dead than alive; and we was 'ome fust after all. I'm sure the 'eadache as I got was that wiolent, thro' the shock of them sojers, as I never will believe didn't mean mischief, only they're afraid for to do it, for that Emperor he do keep 'em in proper order; and quite right too, for I'm sure it quite made my blood boil for to see one of them picters of that there lovely Queen, and her two pretty dears of children, all a-standin' behind a 3 84 ivies, brown’s visit table a-bein’ insulted that gross by a parcel of fisb-fags as is a-’owlin’ at her. I only wish as I’d been Queen, I’d pretty soon ’ave ’ad the sojers out and at ’em; and so she would, only her good gentleman as were King were that easy, as he stood and let ’em cut ’is ’ead off without a murmur. As is werry well if it was only ’is own ’ead, but a man with a wife and family did ought for to stand up for ’em, as I told Mr. Dobson, as were in the fancy stationery line just down the Bow Road, as let ev'rythink go to ruin, and ’im a-talkin’ politics at the “ Globe ” every evenin’, and her upstairs, and the shopman a-fingerin’ the till, let alone making away with the goods, as soon come to a end, and no one to thank but ’isself; and that’s where it is as this ’ere Bonyparty ’as the pull, thro’ a-makin’ the streets that wide as he could fire from one end of the place to the other, as always makes me feel nervous a-crossin’, let alone them busses as comes thunderin’ along with them carfc-’orses a-gallopin’, and makin’ a row as is enough for to terrify anyone as ain’t used to it. But as to Mrs. Archbutt, she’s a downright idjot, as will stick right in the middle of the road and scream, and was as near done for as ever I see anyone atween a buss and a cart of stones, and ’owever she come out alive I can’t make out, tho’ dreadful bedaubed; and they did want ’er to go to TO THE PARIS EXHIBITION. 35 the 'ospital, but I says,