ILLUSTRATED
TWO SHILLINGS
PUBLISHII
EMORY UNIVERSITY
VAGARIES
OF A VAGRANT.
BY
BARTHOLOMEW CHEESER, Esq.,
LIT. TRAMP.
gtokaito to i\t
IgaWiOTg atto jjiimcr* af ifus lEkkto Utorto.
london:
the general publishing company,
280. strand.
LONDON :
W. I. RICHARDSON, PRINTER, 4 AND 5, GREAT QUEEN STREET,
LINCOLN'S INN FIELDS, W.C.
INTRODUCTION.
Of all classes in the whole realm of Trampdom, commend
me to your Literary Tramp. In him shines no dim, dusky,
woolly intellect,—raving wild imaginings,—creations of his
own brain,—constructing grotesque, absurd theories, impos¬
sibilities of the vague and impossible, as he fondly inscribes
his hallucinations and phantasies, and calls it a Book,—
compiling into a volume with such rugged, heathen titles,
and becoming ecstatic over "Jumping Frogs in a Mare's
Nest," " Innocent Pilgrim's Progress Abroad," and such
like, the slightest glance at which, mark you, is enough to
cleave one's brain in Twain; leaving you with the impres¬
sion, how vastly, immeasurably superior you are to the
author himself. And this, forsooth, he impudently pens
for the amusement of his benighted race—believing them
to be as benighted as himself—and calls it wit. Heaven
save thee Mark! And comforting himself with the
honeyed lines:
" For 'tis pleasant to see one's name in print,
A book's a book although there's nothing in't."
No, your Literary Tramp belongs to a much higher order
b 2
4
INTRODUCTION.
of beings than your unhallowed, desecrating "Funny
Peck " with his barren wit;—your sacrilegious pigmy brain
cleft in twain, to whom no subject, however sanctified,
is sacred, and who, if he gets to heaven at all, 'twill be by
a fluke, and be immediately kicked out on discovery of the
fraud;—your Bilious " Biglow Papers," that smack of
swinish appetites, and suggest to the mind the indispensable
necessity of a metaphorical black draught;—your flimsy,
weak-kneed, limping Artemus, who tampers with the
Queen's English; starts up like a meteoric flash in the
literary firmament, thinking to amaze the astonished world
with a " Goak," and but succeeds in incribing his own
imperishable epitaph'm the profound title of "His Book,"—
or your most imbecile of all aspirants who in his choice of
a nom de plume informs you to " Luke Sharp," for such
you need to do if you hope to find anything aspiring to,
or even tinged with, merit in anything that flows from the
pen of that ready writer.
Their functions are mere surface work, to discover the
hidden treasures of a salted mine. But your genuine
Literary Tramp, scantily clothed though he be, as it were,
with fig leaves, after the manner of his great original,—
with vestments the thinner to disclose, not to veil, the
brilliants that lie embedded in the ore of his marvellous
creation and composition,—has a more laudable field.
His to awaken forgotten reverberations, to recall the
more poetic side of life, which, from over seriousness, too
often recedes into the oblivious, to stimulate a healthy,
genuine mirth, by the narration of the actual, instead of
INTRODUCTION.
5
indulging in the ideal and unreal, recognising that " Truth
is stranger than Fiction."
The Literary Tramp, too, is a heaven-horn critic; the
range of his vision
" In a fine frenzy rolls
From earth to heaven, from heaven to earth."
I have often learned more in five minutes' conversation
from such an one, than a host of your hermit-like, sage
philosophers of the first water, whose peculiar hobby is to
deal out profound platitudes from their doleful recesses,
striking out right and left, now at one half of society, and
anon at the other half, solely because they themselves are
unfitted for society at all; and presumptuously dub them¬
selves " Seers,"—snarling clothes-pegs, tailors' dummies,
or ten-minutes emotionalists, would be more fitting
appellations.
The Literary Tramp is a critic, almighty, independent,
impartial, of clear brain and sound judgment, and, not to be
bought.
Therefore, authors, penny-a-liners,doggerel-verse-writers,
leader writers of bubbling inspiration, and writers of dark
complexioned hue, of him beware. His peregrinations
render him conversant with the many-sidedness of, and all
that is hollow in, human genius, qualifying him
" To step forth and whip deceit."
It is not necessary for him to shut himself up in cloisters,
" far from the madding crowd," and devote himself day and
night in coining phrases,—by reason of the poverty of his
vernacular,—inventing facts, fancies, and figures, to please,
6
INTRODUCTION.
as if there were not a superabundance of these already.
Hence it is, that his experiences and reminiscences, need
no colouring or tipping with gilt, the hare unvarnished
narrative of which alone, suffices to lighten the dull hours
of the oppressive load of heaviness, and thus by giving
loose reins to his mind—not to run riot and get carried
away with the effusiveness of its own effusion, which
characterises too often mirthful treatises—but to provoke
an uwartificial smile.
. It is a time-honoured custom, in almost every circle, to
relieve the tedious moments of dull care with fireside
stories, anecdotes, &c., even twice told ; it therefore cannot
be deemed pedantic to write them once, with the same
object,
It is not assumed for a moment that the advent of such
a book as this into the teeming world of literature,
will turn the scale of empire, or create a revolution in
men and things; nor yet in any way put a brother Tramp's
nose out of joint, but it may afford a little amusement, to
embrace and collate together a few of the more striking
incidents that occurred in the author's wanderings, in the
hope that they will beguile a quiet moment with the same
gratification and pleasure they afforded himself.
If then the book succeeds only in filling this little void
in the universe, into which it is launched, and accomplishes
but that object, the writer will not have written in vain,
at the same time he will feel that he has somewhat
advanced the claims to recognition in literature of
A TRAMP.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
PAGE
The Fishcadger's Marriage
9
The "Dook" as an Amateur -
72
Mysterious Disappearance of the
A Battle with a Bull
75
Freedom Office ...
13
Fat dis he ken aboot it -
80
The Salvation Army in Full-
The Cabman's Story
83
borough ....
16
Mr. Weaver's Notes on the Pil¬
On the Good done by the-Salva¬
grim's Progress
84
tion Army ....
20
The Silent Member ...
85
A Drive in a Hansom
23
The Mechanism of Modern
My Hotel, and Characters I met
Warfare
86
there .....
28
A Debate on the Manchester
Pecksniff Junior
33
Ship Canal ....
88
On the Increase of Swallows -
38
An Interview with Alfred
The Battle of Parihaka -
39
Townsend -
92
My Travelling Companion
42
Mr. George and his Dogs
95
A' would be a Scotchman
45
How I Capped Tutton
96
Pecksniff Junior on Sunday
47
A Multifarious Baby
99
My Smuggling Yarn
49
Pecksniff's Dilemma
100
I am the Resurrection and the
A Dream of Pandemonium
102
Life .....
5o
Signs of the Times, or How we
Cheeser Bum'd
5i
raised a Shout . - -
105
Grandiose -
54
A Hard Case ....
107
Great Expectations Entertained
A Straight Tip
109
by Pecksniff Junior—Marri¬
Do you feel yours Shaky ?
no
age with a Widow without
Shake the Bottle
in
Incumbrance
56'
As Things stood then
113
Hogwash Advertisements
61
He-Aw ! He-Aw ! -
"5
Why he Shaved off his Mous¬
Experiences of a Colonial Ad¬
tache
63
vertising Agent. No. 1
117
How he sold the Oranges
64
Colorado ....
121
The Pilgrimage of the Honour¬
My famous Cat-Lie—a Noc¬
able Charles Augustus Lofty
66
turnal Catastrophe
122
The Views of Pecksniff Junior
A Meeting of the Pitting Town
undergo a most unaccount¬
Council -
124
able Change after imbibing
The Major again
126
Fluids with the Secretary -
69
Mr. Butler's Nose - - i
127
8
CONTENTS.
PAGE
Horrible and ghastly Murder in
the Shag Valley - - * I29
Experiences of a Colonial Ad¬
vertising Agent. No. 2 - 133
The Artist's Revenge, or As he
appeared before he Died - 135
Shandigaff - - • - 137
The Love Feast in America - 137
Signs of the Times in Canada - 138
A Bogus Inspector - - - 139
" I'd run the Bourger in" - 140
Always the same old Drunk - 140
We can only get up One - 141
Mrs. Thompson and her Gin - 142
A Pokestake in Quebec - - 145
A Cure for Hysterics - - 147
Pecksniff Tries it on a Second
Time 149
How I made a Grand Tour - 151
Epitaph for George Peck - 153
Alarm of Fire at the Temper¬
ance Hotel, in Manchester - 154
The Elopement - - - 156
How the Wind Lies—Caught
in the Act - 157
The Duel .... 160
Eccentricities of Seafaring Men 165
The Pedlar's Story - - - 168
Spekeup Financial Agent, &c. 173
Faith, Hope, and Charity - 186
The Tamatave Incident - - 188
Ecclesiastical Scandal - - 193
Clerks' Wages - • • 199
PAGE
The Battle of Fullborough - 200
A Model Lodging House - 203
What a Lie .... 203
Scotch Piety Abroad - - 205
Wholesome Advice - - - 208
Mrs. Cook .... 210
The Great Fire in Stuart Street,
Dunedin - - - - 211
Muchly-Married Kent - - 215
Mrs. O'Rorke - - - - 217
Feigning Death ... 220
On Sailors - - - - 221
The Poet Laureate's Annual - 224
Incontestible Evidence - • 225
Shifting a Slip - - - 226
Celebration of St. Valentine's
Day 228
Mr. Dupe has a bad Fall - - 229
Experiences of a Colonial Ad¬
vertising Agent. No. 3 - 234
Visit to Gardsley's Soap Works 236
Illness of Michael Davitt - 237
A Muckle Hare ... 238
School Boards and their Critics 240
An Eligible Candidate - - 241
The Wife Deserter, another in¬
cident of the Maori War - 243
He was an Old So'dger - - 245
Experiences of a Colonial Ad¬
vertising Agent. No. 4 - 248
A Substitute for a Bible - - 250
Conclusion .... 255
THE
VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
THE FISHCADGER'S MARRIAGE.
In the small village of Pittinwell, in the South of Scotland, I
once went through a very painful ordeal. I will here remark,
that Pittinwell is a fishy place. The industry is fishy; so are
the people; so are the streets; so are the middens; the very
topics of the village, &c., partake of the same vile odour. In
fact everything in and around or in any way connected with it
is fishy.
The fields for miles round are the same, and abound with that
vegetable commonly used in these parts for manure, that is, the
part of it which is known in Scotland as the sploshen* particu¬
larly if of a strong odour, that being considered a great point in its
favour, respecting which I decline to express a definite opinion;
but the clodhoppers of that district are certainly well off for
manure.
That, however, has nothing to do with the circumstance which
I am now about to relate, though in itself it was a fishy circum¬
stance, and impregnated me with the nasty odour for a week after¬
wards.
At the time of which I write I was on a visit to a friend—
the Rev. Mr. Welsh, a clergyman of the Scottish Episcopal
Church. We were sitting together smoking a quiet pipe, when
the bell of the outer door rang violently. Presently the maid¬
servant knocked, and being requested to enter, held in her head,
the while holding her nose, and said, in a nasal tone of voice,
" Please, Mr. Welsh, Jock Snoot has come down with a woman,
and he wants you to marry them at once." "Does the woman
* Entrails.
IO
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
want to be married, too 1" inquired Mr. Welsh. A didna
speer," replied the servant. " All right, said Mr. Welsh,
" show them up here." Suddenly we perceived a strong smell
of fish coming nearer and nearer through the partly open door,
just as if all the middens in the town were being brought up¬
stairs on a tray. We instinctively protected our nasal organs
as well as we - could between finger and thumb. At last they
stood before us.
The man was dressed in blue guernsey, pantaloons of an un-
distinguishable colour, large hobnailed boots, soft hat, and was
spangled from head to foot with scales of fish.
The female, who was considerably taller than her would-be
inferior-half, was also fumigated extensively with the same dis¬
agreeable odour. In fact, she might be said to resemble a filthy
mermaid of the lower orders, who had been out of her briny
element for a pretty considerable period.
Indeed, standing in Mr. Welsh's clean, trim parlour, she
could be compared to nothing less than a fish out of water.
" Well, Jock," inquired Mr. Welsh, " what can I do for you ?"
" I want you to marry us at once, sur," replied Jock.
"What is your name?" enquired Mr. Welsh of the shemale.
" I don't know you."
"I'm from Sma-Dyke," replied; she "my name is Margaret
Flimsey."
"Do you really want to be married to-night?" enquired
Mr. Welsh."
" Ay, sur," replied Jock; "if we left it till the morning, may
be we might change our minds."
"Well," said Mr. Welsh, "I'm quite willing to take you up
to the church and perform the ceremony; but I hope you have
well considered the thing; you know marriage is a very serious
matter."
"But, sur," replied Jock, "w'ere bin thinkingaboot it a day."
" Since when were you engaged ?" enquired Mr. Welsh.
THE FISHCADGERS MARRIAGE. u
"Sin this mornin at sax, sur," replied Jock; "bit cauld ye
na do it here, without gaun up ti the kirkl"
"What! just now!" exclaimed Mr. Welsh in an astonished
tone of voice.
" Ay, sur," said Jock.
Mr. Welsh then told them that they must wash themselves,
procure witnesses, and present themselves at the church at eight
o'clock, it then being seven.
They departed, but the smell did not.
' They came a little before eight o'clock, with only two wit¬
nesses, upon which Mr. Welsh proposed that I should act as the
third witness, to which I willingly assented.
We proceeded accordingly to the church, and Mr. Welsh having
donned his surplice, we took up our positions before the altar.
Everything went well until Mr. Welsh queried, "Margaret
Elimsey, are you a spinster 1"
She smilingly replied, "No, sir, I sells fish."
Nor did her outward appearance, or the smell which pervaded
her presence, belie the statement she had just made.
When Mr. Welsh said, "I plight you my troth," they both
ejaculated simultaneously, " I'll pay you for both."
. Jock's articulation was exceedingly distinct and loud, the
woman's more subdued.
But when Mr. Welsh continued in a painfully audible voice,
which plainly indicated his internal suffering—"and with my
body I'll thee worship," Jock replied in a loud and yet withal
childlike and bland tone—" and with my body I'll thee horse¬
whip."
At this point-1 almost broke down, and my sufferings were
intense and I emitted a strange gurgling sound.
Great beads of perspiration streamed down the minister's
forehead ; he was holding his nose, his sides, and his gravity all
at the same time; and it was evident that neither of us could
Tetain possession of these articles much longer. But there was
12
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRAFT.
something still worse to come. Mr. Welsh closed the big
prayer hook with a hang, saying in a painfully audihle voice,
" May the Lord ahide with you, Amen," and rushed for the
vestry >, hut before he got to the door Jock responded, in a voice
serious, hut yet calm, " May the Lord look sideways upon you,
Amen." The newly-married couple then left the church, hut I
will here remark that a much longer period elapsed ere the
fragrance also retired. They jumped on to a passing fish manure
cart to take a lift home.
It struck me then that they ought at least to have one hoot
thrown at them in the good old Scotch fashion. And, notwith¬
standing the pain they had caused me,—heing of a very forgiving
nature,—determined not to deny them this final luxury. I did
not, however, see any hoots handy, hut what answered my
purpose quite as well, viz., a cod fish, which had stunk and
blistered in the sun for at least a month. I picked it up, and
landed Jock on the mouth with it, just as he was about to kiss
his bride; and I was rewarded by a sweet yet fishy smile from
the happy pair, which told me more eloquently than words can
express how they appreciated the attention.
13
MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF THE FREEDOM
OFFICE.
In '69 there was a paper published in Simaru* called the
Freedom. Now there was nothing really witty in this paper,
hut a great deal that was personal. It paid very well for a
while, as everybody bought it for the purpose of seeing their
neighbours slated,f though they had a great objection to being
slated themselves. Everybody advertised in it on account of its
being so generally read; but it was an institution that could
not have lasted long under any circnmstances. The following
are a few of the interesting announcements, which week after
week appeared in its columns :—
" David Foot and George Lot were very drunk again last night."
" Mr. Cunningham, of Bookitap, has come doAvn to town on
the ' bust.'"
In the next week's issue we would have
" Mr. Cunningham is still on the bust; his wife has come
down to town to take him home."
" Mr. B. Cheeser used to wear a bell toper, but he's getting
hard up—now he wears a soft hat."
"Mr. Thomas,—You won't get that bill of sale on your pro¬
perty renewed; so you need not try. 'Old Arkle' is too fly
for that."
" Mr. A. Jones,-—What were you doing in the bush with Miss
Tompkins last Sunday afternoon 1 Naughty boy ! "
One or two others, besides myself, who had been slated
rather frequently, determined to have our revenge. We accord
ingly made two forcible entries into the office, and lammed% the
* Town in New Zealand.
+ To cast a slur upon.
X Browbeat.
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT
editor, proprietor, and compositors with, bags of sawdust. For
this we were twice fined, after which we came to the conclusion
that that would not pay. Some daring spirits proposed fire, but
on second thoughts remembered that was arson. At last it was
resolved to mask, arm ourselves with sticks and sledge ham¬
mers—the sticks to lamm them with and the sledge hammers
to destroy the plant and office. On the night that we were to
make this daring attempt, and just when we were all assembled,
taking what was perhaps on earth to be our last drink, news
reached us that the proprietors had that day engaged a new
editor, who had called out a dozen men, or more. His height was
six feet eight, and his fighting weight fifteen stone six. In addition
to this it was alleged that he carried revolvers and a knife. On
hearing this we resolved to try some other plan of exterminating
the pernicious paper and the vipers who conducted it, and I must
take the credit to myself of concocting it. Accordingly, on a dark
Friday night, when the editor, proprietors, and compositors were
all present in the Freedom office,—it being the night of their
going to press,—a daring band of twelve might have been seen
emitting themselves from a free lunch bar, in a badly lighted,
narrow street, armed with dark lanterns and crowbars, and
slowly meandering their way towards a small wooden building
on piles; followed at a short distance by one of those convey¬
ances used for removing cottages. Arrived at the place at last,
in a stem but muffled voice the leader of the band gives the
command to " Halt," which was instantly obeyed. Presently
the leader bends down, and, holding his lantern towards the
piles, perceives that they are cut through, upon which he
exclaims with grim satisfaction, " Ha! the caitiffs have obeyed
my commands. 'Tis well. Bring hither the chain and padlocks.
A large heavy chain, with a padlock at one end and a hook at
the other, was then with difficulty carried forward and passed
around the entire building. When this was locked the cart was
ordered to advance, and when it had been brought alongside, the
DISAPPEARANCE OF THE FREEDOM OFFICE. 15
gallant little band had little difficulty, with the assistance of
their crowbars, &c., in jerking the Freedom office upon it, and
having completed this task, they jumped upon the cart to steady
it from tumbling off.
The cart then drove on at a rapid rate for two miles into the
country. It was a very pleasant drive altogether, except that
the big d—-'s which were made use of inside, jarred terribly
upon the feelings of the G. L. B., -and that there was a danger
of the pies* which flew about inside coming through on account
of the roughness of the road. But at length the cart arrived in
safety at its destination—a creek, and drove straight up to the
edge of it, and then halted. This done, with a great cheer, and
a gentle shove, the G. L. B. lowered the building upside down
into the creek. I went home then, and wrote a sarcastic article
for the OpinaM Buster on the Mysterious Disappearance of
the Freedom Office from its accustomed site.
* Disarranged types.
i6
THE SALVATION AEMY IN FULLBOEOUGH.
The Salvation Army is composed of a body of religious
maniacs, tramps, bums, thieves, pickpockets, prostitutes, and
loafers of every description. Some there are among their ranks,
no doubt, who mean well, and flatter themselves they are doing
an immensity of good, and the others live upon their credulity,
and upon that of numerous insane sympathisers. Their insanity
and eccentricity is everywhere marked, but nowhere so much as
in Fullborough, and I have now taken up my pen with the
intention of describing a meeting I attended there, or, as they
called it, a " battle." For some days previously huge placards
were to be seen posted all over the town announcing the follow¬
ing programme of their intended operations :—
The following Contingent of the
Salvation Army
will march on Fullborough from Old Castle on Wednesday, the
8th inst., viz.:—
" The Prince of Wales' Own Blue Boar Guards," washed in
the blood of the Lamb. Commanded by Captain Horsethieff,—
" Converted Burglar,"—saved from Eternal Damnation on the
brink of Hell.
The Duke of Connaught's Own Black Guards, led by Captain
Lightfinger,—" Converted Forger,"—who turned from the path
which leadeth to fire and brimstone, gnashing of teeth and eternal
misery, unto that which leadeth to eternal life and happiness on
Saturday night last, when he found that both his money and
credit were exhausted at one and the same time, and so on.
The siege of the borough to be effected, and the place cap-
THE SALVATION ARMY IN PULLBOROUGH. 17
tured and wrested from the hands of the Arch Enemy—the
Devil. &c., &c.
The placards then announced that the troops would throw shells
into the enemy's camp for two hours, and then take possession of
the city in the name of the Lord.
As I had heard a great deal about the Salvation Army, I
thought I would like to see them, and accordingly went out at
the hour named to view the "attack."
I had not been long in the street before I saw a vast crowd
approaching, headed by several bands all playing at once.
I accordingly waited where I was so as to get as good a view
of them as possible. They presented a most ludicrous spectacle
—a most disorderly mob of disreputable men and women, headed
by a band playing "The Gate's Ajar." Some were waving their
hats and shouting, others were playing on different instruments,
and about fifty young women were accompanying the music (1)—■
I should say strains—upon the tambourines, continually ejacu¬
lating in an imbecile fashion, without stopping to take breath,—
" Oh ! how I love Jesus."
Presently they halted, and an insane boy of about fourteen,
who ought to have been at school getting licked, got up and
sung—
" Oh, our Mary Ann, she walks in good ways,
She's out prayin', fine wither and starmy ;
She's that full of religion she's busted her stays,
And she's got three Stripes in the Army."
Another insane youth then got up, and harangued the assem¬
bled multitude as follows
" Oh, dearly beloved brethren, ye are all miserable sinners,
wallowing in the filth and mire which represents the actions of
your daily life. Repent now, ere it is too late, for now is the
day of -— . At this point, a voice from behind vociferated,
" Amen, brother, amen." Another voice was heard to remark,
G
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
"Don't you think Brother Smuck prays well?" And another,
"You bet. I propose that Brother Skunk will offer the next
prayer."
Major Skunk then addressed the audience as follows:—
" Oh! ye miserable, unwashed grovellers of polluted Full-
borough. How long will ye he content to lie among your own
filth which is daily accumulating around you, forming a very
dunghill of unrighteousness, the stink of which is an abomina¬
tion to the nostrils of the pure and God-fearing? Repent ye!
and cleanse yourselves from the rank and festering pestilential
filth of sin which clings to ye. Arise! repent! I say, and put
on the pure white robe lest it be too late. Yerily, verily, I say
unto thee, if thou wilt come forth out of the reeking mass this
night and lay down your burdens at our feet, we will wash you
in the blood of the Lamb and scrub you with horse-combs
from on high."
This affecting discourse, which was brought to a close sooner
than the Major intended, through his being the unwilling
recipient of a " donation" in the form of a rotten egg in the
mouth, just as he was girding up his loins for his peroration,—
the whole army gave a great shout of triumph and marched
another two blocks higher.
They again halted, and Captain Smut rose to speak. He
was, however, interrupted at the outset by an imbecile woman,
who, being inspired, insisted on singing, and would not be
restrained. Her ditty was very touching and was in the
following strain, to the air " Stick it up my little dear
" Oh ! I've found Jesus,
Oh ! yes I've found the Lord,
And may tarnation seize us
If I don't believe His word.
Hallelujah ! Hallelujah ! »
The last two words formed the chorus, as it does of almost nil
their songs with but few exceptions, and it is an understood
THE SALVATION ARMY IN FULLBOROUGH. 19
rule among them, that every soldier, male or female, of every
grade, may preach, pray, or sing, whenever he or she feels dis¬
posed ; and, at the conclusion of the first verse, after the chorus
has been joined in by all, some other soldier is supposed to start
another, and so on until the " order" is given to " march."
Then each soldier is supposed to lead off with a different song,
and each band to perform a different tune. One of the excep¬
tional songs I alluded to, the chorus of which differed from the
rest, was sung by a bald-pated imbecile in corduroys, to a tune
I never before heard, and I fervently pray to God that I may
never hear again.
Here is his lay—
" Oh ! Elijah waa a grand old man,
Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah !
And he went up to heaven in a fiery van.
Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah !
Old Gladstone is a grand old man,
Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah !
And he'll go up to heaven in a fiery van.
Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah !
Oh ! let's all be a grand old man,
Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah !
-And we'll go up to heaven in a fiery van.
Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah !
For it's nice to be a grand old man,
And go up to heaven in a fiery van.
Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah !
20
ON THE GOOD DONE BY THE SALVATION ARMY.
I was in S one day standing at the door of my hotel
when the Salvation Army came past. I had never entertained
a high opinion of them, or of their work, or results, as paraded
before the public eye. I was anxious to learn the opinion of
the people there respecting them. I accordingly addressed a
policeman who was standing near.
" What do you think of those people at all! Do you think
they are doing any good 1"
" Oh ! yes, sir," he replied, " they have done a power of good
here. Do you see that woman in front there with the tam¬
bourine and red shawl V'
" Yes," I replied.
" And that man beside her 1" he inquired.
I nodded " Yes."
"Well," said he, "he's the 'Kurrnel' and she's his wife.
She used to be the biggest w in the place and he's the
person who used to keep her." -
Apropos of the above, the following is an extract from a
Manchester Chronicle of recent date:—
" Again the Salvationists are attracting public attention. A
man named Davis, a Hanley Salvationist, went raving mad
during Saturday evening service last. Davis remarked to a
companion, ' I shall be obliged to give in yet,' on saying which
he immediately became unmanageable, and ultimately had to be
removed in charge of three police officers. He was very violent,
and could only be pacified by those in charge of him singing
GOOD DONE BY THE SALVATION ARMY. 21
salvation hymns. This was rough on the officers, as they were
much too respectable to know many of them."
In another case we learn that a detective of the South
Shields force has apprehended in that town Captain James
Lyan of the Salvation Army, on a charge of obtaining money
under false pretences at Newcastle. This gentleman had
been wanted for some time, but has been engaged with the
Salvation Army, storming the strongholds of the Wicked One, in
Glasgow and other large towns in Scotland, and had just
returned to South Shields, where his family are living. He
has been transferred to the police authorities at Newcastle.
The case of the young girl who was addicted to staying out
regularly after midnight in order to attend the services of the
Army has just resulted in that interesting young person's transfer
to a reformatory for a number of years.
On the whole, the numerous religious associations of the
country appear to be doing a tremendous amount of good work.
Solicitors never had more of a certain class of business in
hand than they have held since the activity of the Salvation
Army began to be manifested by the operations of its officers.
That is the reason that there has sprung up a new race of
lawyers; for, not long ago, a well-known solicitor took a com¬
mission in the Army, and stood up in court habited in the full
uniform of that august body to defend a brother officer charged
with drunkenness and breach of the peace. Talking of solicitors,
it's a dead give away for the Army when they admit those
gentry into their ranks. And we fail to see what special fitness
these interesting functionaries have for the advancement of
Christianity, whether in the Army or out of it. Nor does it
seem that Christianity, through the means of these agencies, if
its operations in the police courts are anything to go by, are
22
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
calculated to do it much good. Still, so long as trade is had,
crime must be expected to be rampant, and may just as well be
perpetrated by members of General Booth's Army as by those
of the more intellectual and educated churches. Imitation is
the sincerest guise of flattery; and I am not surprised that the
followers of the Salvation Army should be anxious to emulate
their greater brethren of other churches.
The most recent episode in relation to the above which has
come under my notice, also extracted from the Manchester
Chronicle, is, to say the least, blasphemous.
At a holiness meeting of the Salvationists recently, one of the
inspired orators, in the course of his address, asked the question,
Why should anyone pay 9\di. per lb. for mutton when he can
come here and get the " Lamb" of God for nothing ?
I forbear criticism on such outrageous ribaldry.
23
A DRIVE IN A HANSOM.
My last Xmas day in New Zealand fell on a Sunday. I was
spending my holidays in Canterbury. I had gone to Christ-
church from Timaru on the Friday previous, intending to return
on Saturday, hut, being sharply attacked with my old enemy,
"gout," I made up my mind to compose myself where I was
for a day or two. Now, I did not know a soul in Christchurch,
and therefore felt very miserable, especially on that particular
Xmas day, being all alone in a strange house, all the inmates
having taken advantage of the fine day for a walk.
I had met a very pleasant acquaintance on the previous
evening in the smoke-room, who I was momentarily expect¬
ing to join me at lunch, but who did not turn up. After
contemplating the situation for a long time I resolved to have
a drive in a hansom, that being my favourite mode of con¬
veyance. The next thing to he considered was, where to pro¬
cure one, as on that day there were none visible in the streets,
and,' as I was informed by the waiters, " it was ten chances to
one that were I to go to a job master's* I could not get one to
drive me, as the cabbies would doubtless all be away." I had
made up my mind, however, before consulting the waiters, and
was not to be baulked. I therefore hobbled along, though in
great pain, to the nearest livery stable. There I was dis¬
appointed; but a slop buoyed up my hopes by stating "that I
might possibly obtain one at the next," which was a quarter of
a mile further. Accordingly I hobbled along to the next one,
* Coach proprietor.
24
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT
and there had the satisfaction of learning from the boss s wife -
she being the only member of the firm at home " that if I
were to proceed half a mile further to Pegler s, that he (Pegler),
if he were sober, would drive me himself) but added, " it was
rather doubtful if he could be found sober." This afforded me
much satisfaction. My spirits rose, and, notwithstanding the
great pain I endured, I was equal to the occasion, and bravely
pursued my way to Pegler's. To my infinite joy there was
Pegler, sober to a painful extent, regaling himself at the pump.
We soon came to terms, viz., a quid for the afternoon. After
we had partaken together at the pump—our sole solace until
we cleared out of the town and exercised our privilege as
travellers to have a surfeit of booze did we feel so inclined—we
started.
As we got out into the street, P. put his head through the roof,
and remarked, " Stop at first country pub, I suppose, sir ?"
" You bet," I replied.
We did stop there, and had tall beers. We went on to the
next—tall beers again. In fact, we irrigated pretty frequently;
so much so that P. nearly lost control of his whip. At last,
when he turned to go home, P. spied a friend of his coming
along the road, a respectable farmer. He pulled up, introduced
him to me, and proposed that were I not in a hurrry, he would
like to turn arid give his friend a lift home. "Good sort,
sur," he added. I assented, and at this point irrigation
recommenced. We drove along very pleasantly, improving the
occasion as befitting the day by singing Christmas hymns and
carols, but varying the monotony by alighting to have a drink,
the roads in those parts being plentifully sprinkled with " pubs."
for the convenience of the weary wayfaring and dust-begrimed
pilgrim. We had covered about half the distance intervening
between Christchurch and my new acquaintance's farm, when
lo, the farmer observed two of his friends coming along into
town. We pulled up, and after exchanging seasonable greet-
A DRIVE IN A HANSOM.
25
ings all round, one of tliem complacently suggested " Well,
gents, if you had been going the other way I should have asked
you for a lift." The farmer remarked, " I'm in no hurry to get
home." P. then moved, seconded by the farmer (I remaining
passive, being in the minority, and wearing a look of stolid
indifference), " that we should give these two gents a lift also,"
and at the same time declared the proposal to he "unanimously
carried." At this point, of course, irrigation was again renewed.
At one pub where we stopped, and where they were all
getting pretty well fuddled, I perpetrated a practical joke I shall
always regret. While P. and our three bon-vivants were boozing
at the bar with Mr. Public House,—he being as heavily laden as
they,—I quickly collared the whiskey bottle, and sneaked out
to where our horse was feeding on bran, or something of that
kind, out of a bucket, into which I poured the contents of the
bottle. It is with shame I confess it, but it was nothing less
than downright cussidness that prompted me to the mischief.
The poor unoffending beast was licking up his well-earned meal,
and now gobbled up the remainder of his feed with a seemingly
intensified relish I never before saw a horse eat with; I must
own that. I then returned to replace the empty bottle. As
the horse at this point began to get rather frisky, and to exhibit
signs of evident dislike to being kept out on Sunday, not to
mention Christmas-day, we resolved to depart. P. accordingly
mounted his seat, but fell over at the other side; he was so
very drunk. Here was a dilemma. I sounded the others as to
their ability to drive a hansom, to which they one and all gave
the same answer : "You bet your drawers, I can." Indeed they
were in such a state that, had I doubted their agility to jump
over the moon or swim the rapids of Niagara, or any other such
impossible feat, I should in all probability have received the
same reply; and if I had expressed any doubt thereon would
very likely have been challenged to fight. It happened that,
when they successively mounted the box at one side, they
2 6
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
successively lost their equilibrium and gravitated over on the
other, each complaining of the " overpowering rays of the sun,"
and adding, " that if they had been furnished with straw hats,
they would have been all right." What added to my discomfort
now was the fact, that all the while the horse was evincing
more evident signs of impatience. I therefore saw that there
was nothing for it but to drive myself, and, as. the dreadful fact
stared me in the face in all its stern reality, my hair stood on
end "like quills on a fretful porcupine." I regretted then that
I had dosed the poor innocent animal; but regrets were useless,
So accordingly, with the assistance of the groom, I got the
tipsy quartette jammed up inside, and myself carefully mounted
the box, telling the horse to go—which he did with a ven¬
geance. Oh, the agony of that one hour's drive ! I shall never
forget it to the latest day of my existence. I had never before
driven even a team of bullocks, much less a hansom with a
drunken horse. We met several conveyances on the road, but
no sooner did their horses perceive us coming than they instantly
turned their heads, became unmanageable, and fled homewards.
This kind of thing excited our horse all the more. „If he had
only gone straight, which I will here remark ho did not, he
would have outstripped the lot. One old parson, on his way to
conduct evening service, was riding his quiet old favourite cob.
Seeing us in front, his horse dared not face us, excitedly turned
his head, and galloped off in the opposite direction, and never
stopped, I'm told, until he reached InvercargilL* At length
we rattled over the stone pavements; and, just as I was beginning
to wonder if the animal would have the sense to make for home,
and stop when he got there, the singing of hymns in the distance
struck upon my ear. It proceeded, as was afterwards seen, from
an omnibus laden inside and out with a Sunday School out for
a picnic, and before I could steer clear of them—that being a
very difficult task on account of the liquor which the horse had
* Southern extremity of New Zealand.
A DRIVE IN A HANSOM.
2 7
indulged in, and my own freedom therewith and inexperience
smash ! bang ! 1 found myself comfortably seated
in the ditch. The air around was filled with children, red
shawls, hymn-books, and hits of hansom and omnibus, whilst
the horse was seen disappearing through the plate-glass window
of a jeweller's shop, with the port wheel of the hansom round
his neck, and the starboard one round his tail. What became
of P. and his friends is a mystery to me still. I went back
to my hotel, dined on duck and green peas, with strawberries
and cream for dessert, and my gout was so very much better on
the following morning that I was enabled to leave for Dunedin
by the first train, which started at six—a very unusual hour for
me to be out of bed. It was that drive cured me of the gout,
but I don't think the climate of Christchurch agrees with me,
and I have not been there since for fear of a relapse.
28
MY HOTEL AND CHARACTERS I MET THERE.
As the reader will in due course come across certain characters
in my reminiscences, it is oidy right I should give them a short
introduction to the place and its frequenters.
The " Royal Goak," in Lord Street, Manchester, is a temper¬
ance hotel, and it is a significant fact that, notwithstanding the
orgies of its inmates, it is known as The Temperance Hotel.
It is the property of a " Limited Liability Company," rightly
so called, as it is certainly limited in its resources for refreshment
and creature wants, whilst the " liabilities" which its inmates
are called upon to suffer are innumerable and dangerous, to say
the least of it, as will afterwards be seen. The company have
numerous restaurants in the city, but no other hotels.
I proceed now to describe the various characters I met there,
most of whom will figure conspicuously in a series of articles
following.
The hero or lion of the place is Mr. Sewer, alias Pecksniff
Junior.
There are in all seven servants in the house, including Mr. Smith,
the manager, a highly respectable gentleman, with light hair,
whiskers, and beard; active, not to say frisky, of whom more anon.
Mrs. Bones, chambermaid, housemaid, and housekeeper, is a
very active, sprightly young lady of forty, with eyes like coals,
and hair as black as erebus; of a very excitable temperament,
and who goes home at night to keep her husband warm.
Miss Lockerty is a sweet little thing, with oval features and
dark, wicked looking eyes, that all the lodgers fall in love with.
Fatima is a large-boned, stupid, sleepy, uncouth female, having
the appearance of one who nature had interposed with midway
in her composition, originally intending her for the other sex,
but finally decided in favour of woman. I have still a doubt in
my mind to which sex she belongs.
" Specks," as we call her, and Mary are two docile creatures,
the meekest and mildest little things that ever wore light hair
MY HOTEL AND CHARACTERS / MET THERE. 29
or drank skim-milk. The only difference between them being
that " Specks " wears glasses and Mary don't.
There is nothing very peculiar about the little lad who cleans
the windows and boots, except that while engaged in the former
he is much addicted to indulging in snatches from Sankey and
Moody and other great composers, attracting the passers by as a
sort of Ariel in the air.
Another prominent characteristic is, that he has a great ob¬
jection to seeing tobacco, matches, pipes, or cigars, or anything
of that sort lying about the bedrooms, and invariably puts them
out of sight somewhere \ that latter speciality, however, is not
an uncommon weakness with lads who clean windows and boots
and sing i' the air.
The guests in the " house," at the time I write of, number
eleven, viz., Messrs. Pecksniff Junior, Dupe, Jackson, Butcher,
Garvie, Talker, Johnstone, Cheeser, Tait, Scott, and a widow,
Mrs. Soapy.
Mr. Pecksniff Junior, the lion of the establishment, and by far
the most interesting of all the inmates, will be described further
on, as it is impossible, in the limited space allotted to this fonnal
introduction, to do justice to such an important personage.
Mr. Dupe is a delicate young gentleman of one-and-twenty
Summers, reminding one more of a girl of sweet seventeen
habited in male costume. He is about five feet six in height,
with Very light hair, blue liquid eyes, upper lip ornamented
with the early dawn—down, I should say—of a moustache, and
wears altogether a very sheepish and vacant appearance. In
fact his appearance denotes his character so intensely mild and
soft as to mark him out at once modelled a prey to designing
individuals.
Mr. Jackson is an elderly gentleman, well built, with hungry-
looking mutton-chop whiskers, and wearing witha' a healthy,
contented appearance with himself in particular, and a total
indifference to men in general. He is one whom it is rather
difficult to describe, of whom but little can be said, except when
30
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
seen " take a note of," he being what is commonly known as a
dry old stick.
Mr. Butcher; is a stout, middle aged gentleman, generally
arrayed in a tall hat and wearing a look of vague uncertainty.
He is a very heavy man, got up much.after the style of. a prize
pig exhibited at agricultural shows as specimens of their kind.
The most noticeable peculiarity about this gentleman is the
highly artistic manner-—after getting to the outside of a lunch
"Which would satisfy four ordinary men—in which he sits down
in an arm chair, causing the whole structure to resound with succu¬
lent reverberations, and shaking the building to its foundations,
as, if under the influence of a young earthquake, while occupying
himself with that highly interesting study of mankind—picking
his teeth with a fork. Zounds! how I shudder at the bare
recollection of the music.
I must pause here awhile at the emotions awakened !
* * * * * *
Mr. Garvie is a mild, spare, elderly youth, arrayed in tall hat,
spectacles and dark suit, and sports a boyish moustache, which,
when engaged in profound thought, he is everlastingly endea¬
vouring to twirl; sharp speaking eyes (rendered all the more
brilliant through his spectacles), which gives to his whole make
Up an air of that vast importance attaching to a person who
considers himself vastly superior to the rest of mankind—big
with untold issues of mighty import-—impregnated with a sense
of his own raison d'etre, and of filling a void in the universe—
" Who struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more—"
He is secretary to the Ship Canal Company, and also writes
articles for that redoubtable organ of intelligence, the " Gazette,"
which promotes (1) the interests of the scheme.
" It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing."
He may be seen any day between one and two partaking of
MY HOTEL AND CHARACTERS I MET THERE. 31
lunch at the Temperance Hotel, flavoured with the everlasting
spice and sauce of his own scintillations of intellect.
Mr. Talker is a very commonplace youth of about three-and-
twenty or thereabouts. He is a very weak, foolish, indiscreet
youth, who apparently has escaped too early from the leading
strings of his nurse. He has one great failing, that is his
tongue—that unruly member—which he cannot curb, in conse¬
quence of which he is always in trouble, and generally involves
his best friends in the same meshes as himself.
Mr. Johnstone is a calm, stately personage, middle aged, and
of a rather remarkable type, at once authoritative and dignified
in his deportment, suggesting,
' I am Sir Oracle,
And when I ope my lip3 let no dog bark ! "
voluble, not to say verbose. But fortunately for himself and
his acquaintances, as will be seen in the perusal of these pages,
when he does open his mouth—which I may here remark is
not seldom—he never puts his foot into it.
Mr. Scott and Mr. Tait can well afford to shake hands and
claim a sort of kin, both having the good or ill fortune of being
born in the northern extremity of the British Isles, the only
difference between them being, that the one is a commonplace
old man while the other would safely pass as a mediocre young
man.
These two last named gentlemen entertain a great idea of
their own individuality coupled with a mutual smartness.
Mrs. Soapy is one of those gushing, foolish old women one
sometimes meets with where men " most do congregate," having
a little property in the north of her own, most fortuitously left
to her by a very indulgent and careful spouse, which she is
perpetually talking about—thereby airing her widow's weeds—
and seizing every available opportunity of acquiring cheap law
in relation thereto. I said she was foolish, and to some extent
she is, but not in the same ratio as Pecksniff (who as a last
32
the vagaries of a vagrant.
resource has shyly cast an eye of fond admiration upon). This
lady will not figure in his history until a later period, though
it is hut right to introduce her here.
And now I come to Mr. Cheeser; but, here, I must pause, as it
would be manifestly impolitic to describe myself; I therefore
present the description of a colleague of mine in the same pro¬
fession whose sentiments I entirely endorse. He owns a nice
little villa on the banks of the Ship Canal, and has done me the
honour to allude to me in a portion of his work entitled
" Sketches." His seat is situated in a charming spot possessing
more than ordinary advantages, one of these being, as he writes
he has hut to put his hand out of the study window and dip his
pen into the river " Inkwell," always copiously flowing with a
rich supply of ink and already perfumed for use.
He says, "Mr. Cheeser, the author of 'Vagaries of a Vagrant,'—
facts, fancies and lies, chiefly the last,—hails from that side of the
Tweed to which pilgrims never return. He has a fine open
intelligent countenance, fair, and of good physique, and not
deficient in that quality of cheek which impresses one at the
first glance that its quality and quantity will carry him to the
end of the earth.
"In conversation he would be judged of as a mixed or
freckled nationality, with a slight preponderance in favour of
the Yankee, coupled with a slight sensation of the Colonial.
" But it is impossible to listen to him without being assured
that he has not only ' seen ships,' but a thing or two besides.
" True to the martial spirit that animated his ancestors, he has
also seen service in several engagements, in the last of which he
carried away the ' blushing honour' of an ugly wound, and the
more substantial recognition of his valour, a medal wrought and
cast in the best solid leather.
" This he estimates highly, more than your decorations that
fall sometimes from sovereign breasts and on being picked up
by fawning footmen are conferred upon them with the gracious
smile ' Y">u may wear it.' The honour is to deserve it,'"
33
PECKSNIFF JUNIOR
I am a great admirer of Dickens, and have perused his writings
over and over again with renewed pleasure. It is a strange
fact to me, regarding his characters as representative men of the
world as I did, that in all my travels in the four quarters of the
globe it has only once been my lot to met with a reproduc¬
tion in real life—a perfect embodiment of one of his great
characters.
I remember seeing a book once (the author's name I have
forgotten) entitled, "Mark Tapley Junior," and eagerly pur¬
chased it. I no sooner got home than I at once plunged into
it, expecting to be greatly interested and edified, but was
grievously disappointed. It was well written, but the hero was
in diametric contrast to the Senior Tapley—Tapley Junior being
the most grumbling, discontented wretch under the sun.
But, as I have said, it was my privilege to meet one of those
veritable reproductions in real life, and, as I may probably
never meet with another, he is doserving of remembrance in
these pages.
I will here remark that, although I was very much gratified
at the circumstance, I at the same time regretted that the hero
was not my favourite character, viz., " Pickwick."
Mr. Pecksniff Junior is sitting opposite me now, and is
bestowing upon me a most benevolent smile. I guess if he
knew what I was writing about though, the smile would be ex¬
changed for a frown, and he would not be inviting me to have
" twopenny worth" when I am through with my correspondence.
The hotel I am staying at, as I before remarked, is a " temper¬
ance" one, which of course accounts for Mr. P. being also
there ; for, were he to stop in a licensed house and always drink
at his friends' expense, it would be a " dead give away," as the
American gentleman remarked complacently as he contemplated
the dirt on his cuffs and the holes in his socks.
And the reason Mr. P. resides in a hotel of any kind—not-
d
34
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
withstanding the fact of his being a permanent resident in
Manchester, that being an nnusual thing to do at the eastern
side of the Atlantic—is, that his credit has not only got to the
end of its tether, hut a considerable distance beyond it, at all
other establishments where boarders are received.
Having stated these few facts concerning this highly respect¬
able and most estimable gentleman now sitting before me, wash¬
ing his hands with invisible soap, the while wearing an expression
on his beery countenance, indicative of intense expectancy, I
will now proceed to introduce him to the reader. He is a
thick-set, elderly gentleman, with grey dundreary whiskers; he
wears a perpetual smile, a tall hat, double tortoiseshell eye¬
glass, a dark blue threadbare coat and vest, and dark-striped
trowsers, in the threadbare legs . of which his meagre props are
so tightly wedged that they look like cloth Bolognas. He
also displays a collar and cuffs which were not washed
yesterday. I mentioned a little while ago that the gentleman
was extending to me a very pressing invitation to imbibe fluids.
The reader will doubtless be surprised, but not so much so as
any of his acquaintances would be were they present, or as I
would have been a few days since had he proffered the same
request.
But you see it's this way: he has twigged from my manner
that I had " tumbled to him," as the American gentleman
said, " ven he found that his vaitor had been appropriating his
silver spoons and replacing them with pewter ones." Seeing
this, and thinking that it would pay better to keep in with me,
he has been very liberal lately in the way of " shouting," and
has done everything in his power to reinstate himself in my
good graces.
One day last week, when the amount of his liability to me
amounted to four and six—lent in, as he would describe, it,
mercenary sums of a shilling or sixpence at a time,—he approached
me, rubbing his hands in affected good humour, with, " I say,
Mr, Cheeser, is it not strange, is it not remarkable? I'm just
PECKSNIFF JUNIOR.
35
in the old fix again; if you have no objections, you might make
up that—ha—ha—five hob, you know."
I was wilfully obtuse, and replied, "What do you mean,
Mr. P. 1 I don't understand you."
He rejoined, "Well, I mean this : fact is (rubbing his hands),
that at the present time my—ha—ha—the extent—ha—of my
obligation to you amounts to the ridiculously unsatisfactory,
uneven, and unequal sum of four-and-six. How, five shillings
is a more satisfactory and complete sum than that."
" Yery true," replied I.
At this point he went off into convulsions, and when he came
to, continued, "And, as I was saying—he—he—he; ha—ha—
ha—, he giggled, you're such a comical fellow, you know, when
you begin. Well, as I was saying—ha—ashamed to say, I am
again in want of a paltry consideration amounting to six mouldy
coppers. I hope you'll have no objection to oblige me to that
small extent;—fact is, there's people here owing me hundreds of
pounds, and I've been trotting round all the morning calling first
on this party, then on that—none at home—all in the same
school. It is most unfortunate—prodigiously unfortunate."
Having delivered himself thus, he paused, waiting my reply,
but getting none, he continued, "Well, Mr. Cheeser, old boy,
if you've no objection, you'll confer "
"But," I interposed in freezing tones of mockery, "I've got
very decided objections; you've had several opportunities within
the last week of settling up, and had you done so, I would have
had no objection to assist you with such a paltry sum on this
.—ha—auspicious occasion."
"Well, I'm very sorry Mr. Cheeser," replied he, "but really
you know a fellow never thinks of these mean, petty, paltry
transactions, excepting when he is actually under the necessity
of—ha—ha—entering into them."
Having given utterance to this very sage remark, he stood
pensively doing a short penance for some moments in grave
d 2
36
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
uncertainty, waiting to see if I would relent, which I did not,
and he accordingly " slid." *
That evening he repaid me my four-and-six, as a preliminary
arrangement to negotiating a further loan of nine shillings.
When he threw it down in front of me he said,
" By Jove, Mr. Cheeser, after giving up all hopes of—ha—ha
—collecting any of my numerous debts to-day, I was fortunate
after all, and I have great pleasure in liquidating my con¬
temptible, mean, paltry liability to you, Mr. Cheeser, and I
return it with my profoundest thanks, and I'm sure I hope I
shall never again be placed in the same unfortunate position of
having to trouble you for the purpose of—ha—ha—borrowing a
mean, paltry, contemptible, ridiculous sum like that—or, in fact,
any sum."
I heartily echoed, " I hope so too," and so I did.
He again warmly thanked me, and I begged him " Hot to
mention it."
At this interesting and highly satisfactory point, P., wish¬
ing to know the time, gave a convulsive tug at his shilling
gilt albert, the end of which flew out and dropped upon his
waistcoat minus appendage, whereupon I remarked, sotto voce,
' That accounts for the milk in the cocoanut."
" Ah ! how funny," said he; " good joke—funny—singularly
funny " (looking if possible more and more roseate than usual
in the face). " Ah—I took my watch to be cleaned to-day, and
forgot all about it; strange—remarkable—very strange, indeed;"
he then launched off into a fit of forced laughter, and announced
the fact that he was going to have twopennurth. He used to
announce this fact very frequently to me, and ask me " If I was
not going too 1" But when I did he left me to pay for both.
He came running up stairs in an excited state into the smoke
room one afternoon, and said hurriedly to the three or four of
us seated there, "I say, gentlemen,—now don't all speak at
once—but can any of you lend me a few shillings just for a couple
* Retired.
PECKSNIFF JUNIOR.
37
of hours? Most unfortunate thing I should have to trouble you—
good thing on—fact is, a man in Stockport owing me two
hundred pounds—sure to get it, certain—rich as a Jew—certain if
I go by this train—next train too late. Strange, is it not, that
I should get stuck that way 1—very funny, very !" (rubbing his
hands and laughing)—" What do you say Mr. Cheeser 1"
" I say, Mr. P.," replied I, sternly, " I cannot do anything in
the matter."
He ultimately succeeded, however, in bleeding Mr. Dupe, one
of the gentlemen present, to the extent of the mercenary sum of
five shillings.
He returned in about a couple of hours, looking very down¬
cast and despondent, but very beery. He sat himself down in
an arm chair, and addressing himself to his unfortunate victim
of misplaced confidence, " By Jove, I'm one of the most un¬
fortunate, unlucky of men. Here I go to Stockport in full
expectation of getting this money, and I find the man left the
neighbourhood five years ago. Strange, very strange, is it not 1
But that will be all right to-morrow, Mr. Dupe. Oh! yes, quite
right." He then went out, rubbing his hands the while, soliloquiz¬
ing, " Strange! very strange !—most unfortunate—most grievous."
Mr. Dupe, as yet, has heard nothing further of the matter,
nor is he likely to. You see, it is just as Mr. P. puts it,
"A fellow never thinks of these mean, paltry, contemptible
transactions until he has to undergo the—ha—ha—disagreeable
necessity of entering into them." And, of course, that con¬
sideration alone cannot fail to afford the liveliest satisfaction to Mr.
Dupe. One thing is certain, it is all the satisfaction he will get.
I have promised to present Mr. P. with a copy of my
book when finished, and I will keep my promise, too, for it
affords me great satisfaction to think that at least one portion
of it cannot fail to afford him the liveliest satisfaction. Having
finished my correspondence for the day, I fling down my pen,
rising from my chair, and addressing Mr. P., " I'm ready now,
Mr. P. I'll go and have that beer with you."
38
ON THE INCREASE OF SWALLOWS.
Certain patriotic clams, who wished to make New Zealand look as
much like the old country as possible, imported thistles, sparrows,
rabbits, swallows, &c., into the colony. Since their arrival in New
Zealand, these have increased and multiplied to an alarming
extent, so much so, as to have become a regular nuisance.
According to the last account I have from there, however,
the thistles are about to be utilized for the purpose of manufac¬
turing silk. In the event of this project being a success, they
will of course turn out to be a blessing instead of a curse. The
rabbits also are now being "tinned," and exported to England;
but any gains that may accrue to the colony from that industry
are far outweighed by tbe damage which they do. With regard
to the sparrows and swallows, however, I am not aware, as yet,
that they have been turned to any account, nor do I see any
chance of their being so. I was in the "Empire." at Bookitap,
on the afternoon of the day on which the weekly stock sale is
held there. The parlour was pretty full of farmers and others.
Among them was a man named Swallow. He was then a man
of eighty years of age, and withal active and hearty, and the
father of a large family of young children. The conversation
turned to the increase of birds during the past few years,
and Old Swallow was making the remark, "Well, gentlemen,
the swallows are getting more numerous every year; in fact,
they are getting to be a regular nuisance—overrunning the
whole country," when I got up and clapped him on the back
and shook him warmly by the hand, saying, " I congratulate you
old man, I do indeed; it does you credit at your time of life."
I was about to invite the company to imbibe fluids with me
all round, but on seeing the dark and cloudy looks upon their
faces, I perceived I had made a portentous pokestake somehow,
and I left. Now I do not know to this day how I put my foot
in it, and if any one can enlighten me on the subject, I shall
feel greatly obliged.
39
THE BATTLE OF PARIHAKA*
I do not precisely remember the date of this great battle, at
which the power of the great prophet Te-Whiti was for ever
crushed, he being taken prisoner along with his great generals,
Hi Roki, To Hu, and Tay-tack-it-tomoro. But if my memory
makes no pokestake, it was in November, '81. Let that suffice
as regards date.
The minor facts connected with this long and sanguinary
struggle are too well known to render it necessary for me to
recount them here. Everybody has read of the terrible battle
of Pungerahu; and the glorious, never-to-be-forgotten, heroic
defence of Eohuta Pass. I will therefore confine myself to the
great victory of Parihaka, which, as I have already stated, took
place to the best of my recollection in November, '81.
At four in the morning of a certain day in November, '81,
while grey clouds overhead were playfully gambolling on the
summit of Mount Cook, the revielle was sounded in the camp at
Pungerahu. A scene of great bustle and preparation was then
seen. For on this day, as we all knew full well, would be
decided the question whether the Pakias, or the Maories, were
to reign supreme o'er Zealandia's fair plains.
We partook of a hasty breakfast, consisting of dog biscuit
and water-cress, < washed doAvn with spring water from the
creek. The former of these delicacies, I must not forget to
remark here, as I believe it is the correct thing to do in such
cases—was, or I guess I had better say " were," supplied by the
* West Coast of New Zealand.
40
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
Colonial Government, noted for their liberality and kind con¬
sideration for those who are either temporarily or permanently
in their employ. We fell in with throbbing hearts, a valiant
band of dust-begrimed heroes. We felt proud to be the soldiers
of such a munificently liberal government; and we offered up
prayers for them that morning. I take this style of inserting
ittle complimentary remarks, from that adopted by some of the
ournals of the day.
For instance, at the outbreak of the war, "it was very wet"
—as the gentleman said when he got out of bed and stepped
i nto the receptacle-—and we lay on wet blankets, situated in
wet tents, and read wet papers, which had been sent up to
us.
" It has been raining incessantly at the front for the last
week, but the soldiers don't care for that, as their tents are in
such excellent condition; and the Government, with their
usual kindly forethought, have supplied them with waterproof
blankets."
I think there must, however, have been a pokestake in that
transaction, whichever of the officials was to blame, as, strange to
say, the aforesaid blankets never reached us. Well, as I have
already remarked, we fell in, and to the soul-stirring strains of
" Over the Garden Wall," we stepped out. I will here remark
that it was a forced march, in consequence, we did not halt
until we faced the walls of the city. This took place about
noon. A tremendous uproar then greeted our ears. The
Maories were shouting and yelling, firing off their rifles, and
making as much noise as they could; as we afterwards concluded,
Avith the idea of scaring us.
We were accordingly ordered to lie on our stomachs, for fear
of any stray bullets coming our Avay, and in this position we
continued for four hours under a blazing sun.
While we were in this comfortable situation, one of the
officers, Lieutenant Cordial, came along the line. He said:
THE BATTLE OF PARIHAKA.
" Now boys, when you hear the word of command, get up and
go for them." To this Private Colder of my Company, replied in
a tone childlike and bland, " I'm d d if I will, I'll turn back."
And just as he uttered those words, every man along the line
instinctively placed his nasal organ between his finger and
thumb, for a most extraordinary and, to say the least, disagree¬
able irrefragable scent arose from the spot where the aforesaid
Private Colder lay.
At last we did get the word of command, but not in the way
we expected, for, on rising from the earth, we were instructed to
proceed at a leisurely pace, just as if we had been at a blasted
funeral. The four battalions which formed the expedition then
closed in, in one vast square which compassed the city. At this
point the bands all struck up together. One played " Auld
Lang Syne"; another, "TheBritish Grenadiers"; another, "Silver
Threads among the Gold"; and ours, " Over the Garden Wall."
The effect and the scene were alike grand and weird, and could
be easier appreciated than imagined. At this point I was con¬
vinced we were going to take the city after the manner of
Joshua at the celebrated siege of Jericho, and remarked to some
of my comrades in dust, "that the 'Jericho' racket was played
out, and had been for a pretty considerable period, and that was
not good enough," and so on. I soon found my pokestake,
however, for it became evident that the city had capitulated.
Thus was fought and won the great and bloodless battle of
Parihaka, and with it ended that famous and sanguinary struggle,
and also the hopes and aspirations of the great generals I have
already named.
42
MY TEA YELLING COMPANION.
I left Moorstown, Starvation County, State of Misseri,* one
morning about four years ago, to go to Chicago. Now the con¬
ductors in those parts, as a rule, think themselves very smart,
and the conductor on our train was no exception to the rule.
When we arrived at the wayside station of Elixem, a respect¬
able-looking elderly gentleman got aboard. There was nothing
peculiar about him or his appearance, except perhaps that he
wore the semblance of one who was not much accustomed to
travel, nor would you have taken him for one very conversant
with city life. The conductor, on seeing this, winked to the
man who sells the literature, stationery, and cigars, and looked at
him approvingly, as much as to say, " we'll have some fun with
that old rooster."
" Say, Boss," said he, approaching the old gentleman.
0. G.: "Boss?"
Conductor: "Say—look here."
0. G.: "Look here?"
Conductor: "What de ye soi?"
0. G.: "Boss, look here."
Conductor: "Oh, you're a smart duck, ain't you? Well,
where are you going, anyway?"
0. G.: "I'm going east."
Conductor: "How far?"
0. G.: "As far as I would go if I were going the same
distance west."
* United States of America.
MY TRAVELLING COMPANION
43
Conductor: " "Wall, I want to know where you want to book
for."
0. G.: " Oh! I see now; well, you can book me for
Chicago."
Conductor: " That will be four dollars fifty cents."
0. G. (producing twenty dollar piece): " All right, bring me
fifteen dollars fifty cents, and I'll give you this."
The conductor then departed in great wrath, his chum (to
whom he remarked sotte voce, " see if I don't have the old beast
presently. I'll give it him proper") not being able to give him
any change; he went through all the cars before he could get it.
He at length held it out to the "0. G." along with the tickel.
The 0. G. took possession of the ticket, and handed him
four dollars fifty cents in coppers, coolly saying, "I found I had
the amount after all." This riled the conductor more than ever,
and he left our car with a look upon his face plainly indi¬
cating he meant revenge. Presently he came back with a
beaming countenance, and just as we were nearing Fort McGlory
—he having whispered something to his chum the pedlar which
made them both laugh immoderately and rub their hands—he
approached the 0. G., and addressed him as follows:—
Conductor: " There's some mistake about your luggage. I
guess it'll have to be weighed when we get to Fort McGlory."
0. G-: "All right, boss."
Conductor: " But it ain't all right, and you'll see about that."
He had to leave us then, but no sooner had the train stopped
at Fort McGlory, where it remains half an hour, than he came
back to our car, and requested the 0. G. to accompany him to
the platform where his luggage was going to be Aveighed. The
0. G. rose, and beckoned to me to follow him, Avhich I did.
The conductor officiously led the way to a large pile of luggage,
and, with the assistance of some of the porters, weighed it,
the 0. G. standing quietly by smoking his pipe. After
tugging with the heavy boxes, he had got the correct weight of
44
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
the lot, and showing it to the 0. G., inquired, " Pa ye see
that!"
0. G.: " Yes."
Conductor: "Well, that's excess. Did not you know the
weight of it before 1"
0. G.: "No, certainly not."
Conductor: " Then you ought to know the weight of your own
luggage ; da ye see, Cully!"
0. G.: " And I guess I do know the weight of my own
luggage, but I don't know the weight of that lot."
With that the 0. G. turned on his heel, beckoning to me, and
Ave went and had some fine "Millwaukie Lager," and watched
them through the refreshment-room window sweating and
having a good time of it putting the pile back into the van.
The conductor did not speak to the 0. G. during the rest of
the journey.
I should smile.
4!
A' WOULD BE A SCOTCHMAN.
I WILL not vouch for the truth of this story, which, though well
known in the Colonies, may still prove amusing to people else¬
where. I say I do not vouch for its being true, hut still I
believe it to he an authentic fact.
In the early days of Dunedin* the element preponderating
there was entirely Scotch. It is principally so still for that
matter, but not as much so as at the time of which I write.
Other people are now having a say, and getting their spoke in, as
well as them. Great was the chagrin and horror of the worthy
Dunedinites, therefore, at the arrival of a stray Englishman,
American, German, and last, hut not least, of a Chinaman. The
citizens determined that they would not give these new-comers
the slightest encouragement. The Scotch, who are a hospitable
and warm-hearted nation, have no reason to be proud of their
early representatives,—the citizens of Dunedin,—who had no
welcome for the first few strangers who showed themselves
among them. When I say this I do not put them all in the
same category, as there were certainly some very worthy men
amongst them, but the majority of them at that time there were
a very narrow-minded, thick-headed, and thick-skinned lot; and
those who were good men and true had to fall in with the views
of the majority. Consequently, these poor foreigners could
obtain no employment, and in some cases were even refused
food and shelter by the hotels and boarding houses. Mr. Public
House can't afford to be so independent now though. Well,
about this time the City Corporation advertised for tenders for
* Otago, New Zealandi
46 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
removing a quantity of rubbish from a site upon which they
proposed building.
There were six applications in all, and, strange to say, their
names were all foreign, save one single exception, viz.:—
The above tenders being duly submitted, Councillor McSiggens
moved and Councillor Kirkpatrick seconded,. " That the tender
of Alex. McTavish be accepted," and the motion was carried
unanimously.
A day or two afterwards Alec came to interview the Council,
and to their great astonishment and chagrin they became aware
of the fact that he was a Chinaman. The mayor, who was also
an elder of the kirk, forgot himself altogether, and in an un¬
dignified tone of voice demanded of him, " What the h do
you mean anyway John1?"*
Alec replied, with the meekest and blandest of smiles,
"Chang Bong no good—Maci-Tavish welly good." It may
appear a strange coincidence, but in the winter of ;81, when
times were unusually hard, as they had been also the year
before, the City Corporation of Dunedin were so detestably mean,
that they employed the heathen Chinee to drive the city dust
carts, while hundreds of respectable English, Irish, and Scotch
labourers were out of employment, and many of them starving.
And this simply because the heathen Chinee can live and save
money on what would be insufficient to feed a healthy
European.
Years work changes in Dunedin, as well as elsewhere.
John Bull
James Largebottom
Denis Eingerson .
Chong-wa-hoo
Kick Blowoff
Alex. McTavish
£250.
300.
320.
330.
335.
400.
* Style of addressing a Chinaman.
47
PECKSNIFF JUNIOE ON SUNDAY.
It is Sunday, and the " pubs " will he closed in ten minutes, it
being now twenty minutes past two. Mr. P. has just entered
the smoke room in a state of nervous agitation, where are seated
myself, Mr. Johnstone, and Mr. Dupe, all reading. He addresses
all present as follows: "Well, gentlemen, do you know the
time 1"
I replied for myself in the affirmative, " Yes, I should smile."*
Mr. Johnstone demanded, "But why, Mr. P., why should
you disturb us with such a question ?"
Mr. P. returned, " Because you know on this day of our Lord
1883, certain public institutions are closed from half-past two
Until six, and I thought, you know, that you might require a
little refreshment—ha—ha—" He then meandered up and down
the room for a few moments, keeping a watchful eye on the
clock; his hat on; his countenance wearing a most amusing-
expression, half resignation, half expectancy.
Mr. Johnstone now closed his book and remarked, " Well,
Mr. P., if you mean to imbibe you'll need to hurry up, for it's
getting close to closing time."
" Oh," replied he, smacking his lips, and wiping an imaginary
drop or two therefrom, with another longing look of doubt and
anxiety at the clock, " I've just had mine before I came in. I
could not take any more just now."
Upon this statement Mr. Johnstone rises and says, "What do
you say, gentlemen, if we go and have a refresher now 1—since
* Emphatic affirmative.
4§
the vagaries of a vagrant.
Mr. P. has had his. I have no doubt we shall just be in time to
close the " Wheatsheaf."
Mr. Dupe and I assented to this proposal. Mr. P. began to
gird up his loins, and prepared to accompany us, ejaculating,
" "Well, gentlemen—ha—ha—I don't mind if I do—ha—ha—"
" But," remonstrated Mr. Johnstone, " I did not mean to
tempt you."
Mr. P. replied, "Well, gentlemen, I did not mean to indulge
any more this afternoon; but since you are so very pressing,
ha—ha—I don't like to refuse you."
" But," said Mr. Johnstone, " we don't really want you to
exceed the limits of propriety, you know, on the Lord's Day,
or to press you. It's not the thing, you know, to drink unless
you are so inclined."
"Oh! it's all right," returned Mr. P., "you are always so
considerate, and I do feel just a leetle—ha—ha—you know;
in fact, I generally feel spiritually inclined on Sundays."
" And through the week, too—eh?" rejoined Mr. Johnstone.
" Ah ! yes, sometimes," said Mr. P., with a very beery smile,
as he drinks off his Irish neat (we having now arrived at the
public institution).
" In point of fact, rather frequently," said Mr. Johnstone.
" True, true," assented Mr. P., and the roseate hue of his
face and rubicund nose did not in any way belie the accuracy
of the statement.
Mr. Public House is a jolly, robust, John Bull sort of a person,
and had been listening to the above conversation. He winked
at us, and whispered in Mr. Johnstone's ear, in an extremely
audible manner, " I should just like to know when he does not
feel so inclined."
This highly interesting conversation concluded at the same
time as our fluids had been dispersed and the house closed, and
we then adjourned to the smoke room of our hotel.
49
MY SMUGGLING YARN.
I used to spin a yarn, about smuggling 500 cigars ashore, in
Liverpool, and whether it is one that I heard there, and adapted
it, or whether it was the "fruits of my own philosophy"
and fertile imagination, I cannot now say. But I had told it so
often that I had come to believe it myself. After sitting down
and reflecting the other day, turning it over in my mind, putting
this and that together, and on mature consideration, I came to
the conclusion it was not true.
The last time I spun it was in a bar parlour in Liverpool, and
it was to an admiring and appreciative audience of T. G—s,* one
of whom I had had occasion a few minutes previously to rebuke
for speaking irreverently of Her Majesty the Queen. In the
course of my reproof I had remarked " that I entertained great
respect for the Queen's majesty and authority," and there¬
fore when I told my smuggling yarn, this rooster got up
excitedly, and demanded to know, " Is that the way you show
your respect for the Queen V'
He thought he had me here, but no ; I replied, in a tone of
offended dignity, "I am a loyal subject of Her Majesty's, but I
did that just to spite the blasted Government then
in power." With that I gave him a freezing look and
dried up
* Commercials, or Travelling Gents.
e
5°
" I AM THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE."
The Rev. Arnold Mathew Crooks was an excellent pray-er, an
excellent preacher, an excellent boozer, an excellent snuffler,
an excellent snorer, and altogether an excellent man, and a great
credit to the Church.
In addition to his other great and good qualities, he was a
capital hand at pool—very fond of it, too. On one occasion,
when he had a funeral service to conduct, he forgot all about
it. The mournful cortege arrived at the gates of the church,
every other preparation was made, hut no minister. His clerk,
after hunting for him high and low, found him busily engaged
at a game of pool at the Royal Hotel. On being reminded of
his appointment, and that the people were all assembled, and
had been waiting half-an-hour at the grave, he simply replied,
"Well they'll have to wait a little longer, until I have finished
this game."
Now it was a very cold, bleak, wintry day, and after the
funeral had been detained for a full hour, one of the deacons
was called upon to perform the ceremony, to which he assented.
He had got so far as the words, " I am the resurrection and the
life," when the astonished deacon was interrupted by a well-
known voice, proceeding from the parson, "You are h !
I am the resurrection and the life," and snatching the hook
out of the hands of the deacon without further ceremony,
concluded the service himself, with a peculiar thickness about
his articulation.
5i
CHEESER BUM'D.
Jarvis, who is President of the Angler's Club,* is a man of six
foot eight, and broad in proportion. His fighting weight is
fourteen stone seven. His heart is also large in proportion to
his body. He is one of those men who will always stand by a
friend in foul weather and in fair; whether the duty involves
the spending of his sugarf or his blood.
There are many more like him among the " Anglers," but
he is their acknowledged leader, both in rows or sprees.
Ho lodge of Freemasons were ever more devoted to each
other than were the boys of the Angler's Hall, Dunedin,
at least, when I was there, and I hope they have not
degenerated since.
Their motto was a significant one—"Fishing for the day is
the evil thereof."
If it happened that any one of us should be so unfortunate as
to get screwed, and locked up, Jarvis was always the first man to
come to the rescue, and up to the time of my leaving there, not a
single inebriate was brought into court—belonging to the
" Anglers," of course.
There was situate right opposite the club a " close,and I
was not aware for a long time who were the inhabitants of this
quarter.
One fine summer's evening I was standing smoking at the
door of the club with several members, when a big raw Irish¬
man I had frequently seen before, but who I did not know,
crossed the street from the head of the close and touched
* In Dunedin, N. Z.
f Money.
J Court.
e 2
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
me on the shoulders, then retreated six paces, beckoning mo
saying, " Come with me Mr. Cheeser."
I fearlessly went to him, when he took hold of me by the
sleeve, and gently led me across the street, and down the close,
telling me the while, " That a Mr. Fidget, a friend of mine, was
in his house and desired to see me."
I entered and took in the situation at once, viz., I was in a
bailiff's house, and it required no astuteness to spot the dozen
rough looking men present as all belonging to the same pro¬
fession.
The facts of the case were simply these: my friend Fidget,
who was in a very fidgetty state, had been collared by the bums,
but a friend, to whom he introduced me, having come and
squared matters, was shouting* beers all round, and Fidget had
sent for me to come over and join them.
I accordingly sat down and composed myself, saying " I
had no particular objection to irrigate at that particular
time."
I was just imbibing for the second time, when a heavy foot
came through the door panel, and before any of us could rise to
ascertain the meaning of this singular phenomenon, the door
itself and both windows came in, followed by about a dozen
" Anglers," headed by old Jarvis. Before I could interfere he
and the big Irish bailiff had stripped to the waist, and were going
for each other like a pair of the " Sons of Anak." Tables were
upset, glasses overthrown, bottles broken, beer spilled all over
the floor, and in the space of two minutes, the two rooms of the
cottage were a perfect wreck; in fact they formed only one
room now, as the partition had given way to the terrific charge
of the " Anglers."
The furniture was soon broken up, and converted into
weapons—the legs of chairs especially.
* Treating,
CHEESER BUM'D.
S3
Meanwhile, I stood like one flabbergasted, not having the
slightest idea of what was up. At length I spied in the
rear of the crowd a little chap called Philips, who was
keeping himself well out of the riot; he had a great objec¬
tion to get disfigured, as he said afterwards, "it looks so unpro¬
fessional."
He came over with the rest, and only looked on from behind,
prepared and willing, if necessary, to lead a retreat. With
great difficulty I approached him and demanded to know
"What was the matter and what all the row was about1?"
To which he replied, " Well, you ought to know, anyway.
Say, (confidentially) you'd better clear."
"Why should I clear?" said I; "why should I leave all
my chums to get mauled 1"
"Well," asked he, opening his eyes to their largest capacity,
" are you not arrested by the bums ? "
I saw through it now, and after much difficulty separated the
combatants, and explained matters, not before, however, there
had been some claret tapped on both sides.
It happened as follows:—Old Jarvis seeing the way that
the bailiff had taken hold of me, rushed into the smoke
room, and sung out, "The bums have got Cheeser. Come on
boys."
An attacking force was immediately organized under his
leadership,—there being twelve present,—and straightway they
rushed over in a body, with the result described.
After much difficulty we managed to pacify the bailiffs. Old
Jarvis, when he saw what a prodigious pokestake he had made,
was the first to acknowledge it.
We all marched to the " Shamrock " together to drown the
feud; passed round the hat among the "Anglers " to pay for the
damage done to the bailiffs' house, and shouted for beers for
them till further orders.
54
GRANDIOSE.
Of late years the term " grand," by reason of the servile, not to
say vile, nses to which it has been applied, dragged through the
mire of literature and subjected to do duty to the meanest and
commonest purposes of the day—subjects unworthy of its
primary meaning or association,—the word has lost much of its
original significance and inspiring loftiness of meaning, and has
become subverted into a meaningless, commonplace form, of
speech.
Recently, however, a change has come over the spirit of
the dream. The word is now trained to higher, nobler uses,
and has remounted its high pedestal of yore.
For have we not a " 'Grand' Old Man" (and is he not the
grandest old man of all the grandioses of this or any other agel),
Grand Hotels, Grand Aquariums, Grand Trunks, Grand Pumps,
"Grand" schemes of every sort for the amelioration of the suffer¬
ings (1) of mankind, and last, but not least, a Grand Circus 1
Indeed, on this principle, every clam who has established a
new institution since the era of the revolution alluded to, fancies
that no other cognomen will impress the minds of men more of
the super-excellence of the said institution than by describing it
as " Grand."
Thus it is I account for what appeared to me to be a very
idiotic placard painted on wood and stuck up in a conspicuous
position in Peter Street, Manchester, outside a very insignifi¬
cantly unpretentious building in course of erection—"The Grand
Circus.
GRANDIOSE.
55
It is interesting to note what process of development gave
birth to the title.
The following notice will explain :—
Notice.
In response to my request for a suitable name for a new
permanent circus, now being erected on this site, and for
which I offered a bonus of one guinea, I have, out of 3,583
suggestions, accepted that of Mr. Thomas Stafford, Horticul¬
tural Salesman, 2 Seedly Street, Park Lane, Pendleton, and
I shall after this have, and let, it be called
The Grand Circus.
Date of opening will be duly announced.
Edward Garcia.
What a gifted being must this Thomas Stafford be ! I do not
allude to the guinea which he received, or which he is alleged to
have received, but to the expanse of intellect which he must
have possessed to conceive such a profound and far-fetched
title.
In talking the matter over with different people afterwards, I
learned that, in answer to Mr. Garcia's advertisement, several
commonplace names had been suggested, such as "Temple of
Fame," '4 Acrobatic Hall," &c. &c. One, however, commended
itself to my mind as expressing the universal opinion of the
people of Manchester, viz., it would never pay. It was this—
"Garcia's Folly."
But the " Grand Circus " took the palm, or rather the guinea,
and why not?
The Prime Minister ought to feel flattered that Mr. Garcia has
adopted his own appellative to a " circus," and that alone should
assure its success.
It will certainly be worth while to go to hear the clowns, if
they are anything like him, getting inebriated with the exuber¬
ance of their own verbosity.
56
GREAT EXPECTATIONS ENTERTAINED BY PECK-
SNIFE JUNIOR—MARRIAGE WITH A WIDOW
WITHOUT INCUMBRANCE.
I was sitting in the smoke room one afternoon, when P. came in
wearing an assumed look of ecstacy upon his countenance, under
which, however, I could easily detect anxiety mingled with
doubt.
" How do, Mr. Cheeser "2" said he, endeavouring to stifle a
sigh; " I'm all right now, you bet; I'll just be fixed beautifully
in less than a week, and for life too."
" Explain yourself, Mr. P.," said I; "1 don't quite understand
you."
"Well it's this," replied he, rubbing his hands and trying
hard to smother his emotions and to look happy: "a certain
widow, Mrs. Softy, dead struck on me—fat, fair and forty—two
thousand a year, no incumbrance—house and garden freehold—
carriage and pair—"
"Weill" said I, interrupting him, as he paused and smiled.
"Well," continued he, "I've just proposed to her less than
half an hour ago. Before the week's out we're to be married.
D d if I don't stand the drinks. Come on, I'll take no
denial."
As it was an unusual phenomenon with him, I thought I
might as well avail myself of such an extraordinary opportunity,
and we accordingly adjourned to the "Three Sugar Loaves" and
partook of beer, during which I offered my congratulations.
The young lady at the bar meanwhile had been waiting to be
GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
57
paid, while P. was feeling all his pockets and wearing a rueful
look upon his face. He looked at me in despair and said, " Say,
Cheeser 1"
" Say it yourself," I replied.
"No, hut say, Cheeser; confound it all, look here—"
To which I cut him short in tones of withering mockery.
"Cheeser, confound it, look here—"
"No, hut—" said he, with well acted earnestness, "I quite
forgot to put some ' mouldies' in my pocket when I came out.
I'm in an awful predicament,—awfully sorry; but, say, you
might pay for these drinks—quite an accident you know—make
it all right to-night."
Seeing no help for it, I paid for the drinks and we returned
to the hotel; but I have as yet not been reimbursed for the
price of drinks, and have made up my mind that "he will never
have me again."
Next day he called me aside in the smoke room.
" Say, Cheeser V'
" Cheeser," I mockingly replied.
" No, but say, Cheeser, the vidder's in such a hurry that she
can't wait a week—wants to get married right off the reel; so I
consented—very unwillingly, you know—to have the knot tied
to-morrow," said he, digging me in the ribs—" say, if you have
no objection, you might lend me five shillings—awfully sorry to
trouble you, you know; but once I get married to the vidder
—everything square—have you up to my house to dine every
night—champagne—splendid cellar—all the rest of it. Say,"
continued he, " would you care to be best man 1"
I waited until he had pulled up, and I then told him in ice-
bergy tones, " that I had a decided objection to entertaining
either proposal."
He then left the room looking very crestfallen. I afterwards
learned that he had again succeeded in bleeding Mr. Dupe to
the extent of the mercenary sum of five shillings, that gentleman
58
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
being highly impressed with the story of the approaching marriage.
So much so, indeed, that he invested in a new suit, a silk hat,
white gloves and tie, for the purpose of attending in the capacity
of best man.
Next morning, while Johnstone, myself, and Dupe were seated
in the smoke room—the latter gentleman partly arrayed in
wedding costume, expecting every moment to receive a sum¬
mons to complete his toilet, and accompany P. to the church—
who should enter but P. himself, looking awfully down in
the mouth, with such a woebegone expression as indicating that
something tremendously startling had happened. He first sank
into a chair and groaned; then fell on the floor in a theatrical
swoon. Johnstone and I remained indifferent and inactive
spectators; but Dupe, believing that he had really fainted,
rushed into Scott's for a shilling bottle of Irish, and on return¬
ing to the smoke room, with great celerity placed it to P.'s
lips. At this point, and with equal celerity, P. manifested
evident signs of recovery, inasmuch as he arose to a sitting
posture, took the bottle from Dupe's hands, and drained it in a
breath. Mr. Dupe then assisted him to rise, and after he had
ensconced him in the armchair, asked, " What in the name of
heaven is up 1"
" Oh !" groaned he, looking wildly round, " is that you my
dear Dupe 1 Oh, dear ! oh, dear ! the widow's run off with an
officer of the Guards. Oh, dear! oh, dear! what a shock it has
been to my system ; but you saved my life, dear Dupe. God
bless you for it; if you had not brought that whiskey so timely,
I would never have come to again—I must have perished. I
repeat it, God bless you; give me your hand, Dupe. God bless
you, old fellow."
They then shook hands, embraced, and wept over each other,
after the manner of David and Jonathan on the Mount of
Gilboa.
It was truly an affecting scene. Johnstone and myself could
GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
59
hardly restrain our tears—of laughter. When, however, we
had all recovered our equilibrium to some extent, Dupe, touched
with the remembrance of the painful incident as affecting him¬
self, began to scratch his head, and mourned inwardly over the
now needless expenditure he had incurred in order to figure
magnificently on the occasion.
P., who was intently watching him, surmised this, and hastened
to offer the only solace under the circumstances, and, with pious
fervency, said, " Let not your heart be troubled, friend Dupe;
I'm not the man to let you suffer any pecuniary loss on my
account. Far be it from me—far from it." " No, no," continued
he with quite an altered manner; "finding that the game was
up, I obtained within a few shillings of what I paid for my get
up from a man in Salford. He knows me, and would give
me a far better price than he would give you, or anyone else
for that matter. So, if you like, I'll take your clothing there and
sell them for you ; and I'll make up the full amount of them
out of my own pocket rather than see you suffer any pecuniary
loss on my account."
Mr. Dupe rose, and shaking him warmly by the hand, pro¬
testing " against such a proposal—that he could not hear of
such a thing;" but, at the same time thanking him for the
suggestion, added, that " as Mr. P. was in such a weak state, it
would be cruel to put him to so much trouble that day."
" Don't mention it," said P., now fully restored. " I'll never
rest until you're entirely refunded—refunded, my dear Dupe."
They then shook hands, and wept on each other again after
the manner of the ancient friends aforesaid, exchanging mutual
vows of eternal friendship; after which Dupe went up to his
own room and brought down the parcel, and P., having placed
it under his. arm, sallied forth.
Johnstone gave me a significant wink, which I knowingly
returned.
We saw no more of him until the following morning. We
6o
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
heard his familiar footstep on the stairs, though, and it was evident
from the row he made in the ascent that he carried a good cargo
aboard. Assembling after breakfast, P. entered, evidently much
concerned about something, and with features again several
degrees below zero. He sat down and addressed Dupe as
follows:—
" Say, old man, I am awfully sorry. I've been confoundedly
unfortunate again. I'm the most unlucky "
"Is that so?" asked Dupe, turning ghastly pale. "What's
up now ?"
"Yes, old man," he groaned, "I had scarcely got over the
Stink Bridge, leading into Salford, yesterday afternoon when I
was knocked down and robbed of your parcel, and everything I
had in my pockets. I hunted all over for the thieves without
obtaining a clue, and did not get back here until after twelve,
when all you fellows were in bed."
" That's true, anyway," remarked Mr. Johnstone.
"Well, it can't be helped," said Dupe, comforting himself
with this reflection. Whether it afforded him much comfort
or not I cannot say, but one thing I am sure of, and that is, it
is all the comfort he will get in the matter.
6i
HOGWASH ADVERTISEMENTS.
In all my travels, I have never come into a town, large or small,
where I have not met with a " hog wash" advertisement.
"Hogwash" is a word that was coined some years ago by an
eminent disseminator of lies at the western side of the Atlantic,
and implies a display of imbecility in public speaking or writing,
or placards placed in a conspicuous position, drawn up after the
style of the "Grand Circus" referred to in a previous article.
The most imbecile of these advertisements take the form gene¬
rally of very miserable doggerel rhymes, intended by their
authors as poetry.—Save the mark ! One of the vilest specimens
I ever saw was in Springfield, Mass., U.S., and was painted on
a board in letters of blue and gold on a white ground, and hung
outside a general store. It ran as follows :—
" Our boots are fine, our clothes are fine,
Our tea is good, and so is our wine;
And if for wine you should incline,
Don't go elsewhere, but just try mine.
Our mackerel's good, our plums are good for making pudd¬
ing, and oft has our whiskey the test stood;
Our beans are grand, our rice is grand, and
For you a brandie smash I'll stand
If iu our sugar you find a grain of sand."
I will now cross the Atlantic for one or two specimens, and
sail up the Manchester Ship Canal. Having landed at the Deans-
gate Wharf, I make for London Road. In a small street adjacent I
62
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
beheld the following—one of the hogwashingest advertisements
I ever clapped :—
NOTICE.
" When you a hat to buy incline,
Capstick's shop bare in mind;
Silk and felt hats both doeth he keep,
That are reely good and cheep.
I can make an olde hat look like new,
Call and I'll prove it to you.
Steap into my shop for I'm always ready and willin'
To block your hat for a shillin'."
In another shop window further down the same street is a
notice announcing the fact that
"Hammer's Malacca Canes Sterling Silver"
were to he had inside. Also
"Real Bamboo Canes Sterling Silver."
A little "hogwash" is amusing, but, if spun out too much,
gets monotonous, so for the present I will give no more
specimens.
63
WHY HE SHAYED OFF HIS MOUSTACHE.
I met an old soldier in Calcutta, whom I had formerly known
when he was stationed at Bungpangadad. He had been dis¬
charged and was now settled in Calcutta. I hardly knew the
old fellow at first, as, when I had last seen him, he had a very
fine moustache.
I invited him to have a drink with me; and, while thus
engaged, I noticed the absence of the ornament to his upper lip,
and addressed him as follows:—
" I say, Charlie, what on earth made you shave off your
moustache 1 It was a great ornament."
" Why, sir, that'ere ornament, as you are facetious enough to
call it, would have disappeared long before, had I been allowed
to do it. But you bet, I did it as soon as I got my buzzard.*
That beggar," he continued, putting his finger upon his upper
lip, and contemplating his glass with the liveliest satisfaction,
" had the first drink for twenty years, and now I'm going to
have it myself, you bet; " and with that he raised his glass to
his mouth, and drained it off at one breath.
* Discharge.
64
HOW HE SOLD THE ORANGES.
When I was in 'Frisco, I made the acquaintance of a young
gentleman of good American family, by name Edward R.
Tucker. He was a very fine young fellow, and having travelled,
as they say in that country, " knew the ropes."
He was very eccentric, however, and when he took an idea
into his head for perpretrating a joke, he never budged until he
carried it out, no matter what it cost him. But in some cases
he was the gainer, as in the instance I am about to relate. I
had been having lunch at his house along with a few more of
his select acquaintances, and three or four of us walked down
the street together to have a game of Pool. On our way we
encountered an old woman selling oranges. Tucker bought half
a dozen for eighteen cents, and distributed them among some
boys who were admiring them with longing glances from the
other side of the street.
He then asked the woman, "how long" she calculated "it
would take her to sell all she had in the basket ?" which
numbered about two or three gross.
It was then about three in the afternoon.
She said " she would not be able to clear them out that night,
as she had come late to her stand."
Tucker then addressing one of the others, said, "Joe, I bet
you a hundred dollars, that I'll sell the whole lot in two hours,
without moving from this spot."
Joe accepted the bet, and the old woman, who was very much
amused, and still more pleased, consented to sell the lot for
HO IV HE, SOLD THE ORANGES. ($
four dollars fifty cents, provided that lie would return the
basket to the owners, whose address she said " was on the
basket."
Tucker then handed me a dollar and a half, and whispered
to me, "Do you see that school down at the foot of the street1?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Well," said he, "in about ten minutes the school will be
loosed; get the amount changed, take your stand at the door,
and get the boys around you; distribute the cents among them,
and say that a man up the street is selling large three-cent
oranges at one cent each."
I • tumbled instanter, and did as requested. In twenty
minutes the crowd round him was so great, that when a boy had
bought his orange, he had a job to get out and make way for
another; as those behind were all fighting and scrambling, lest
they should be all gone. After an hour's tearing and scrambling,
he had sold every orange in the basket, to the great amusement
of the bystanders, a large crowd of whom had now gathered,
some of whom knew him well.
The stakes were accordingly handed over to Tucker.
F
66
the pilgrimage oe the honourable charles
augustus lofty.
Eirst Night.
In a mansion of the great,
That's known as Lofty Hall,
Where lords have lived in state
And kings have graced the ball,
Where England's worth and might
Have lived for ages past,
Where lamps of gorgeous light
On queens their rays have cast,
A child is horn this night
Mid comfort, quiet, and ease,
And nurses standing by,
His every whim to please.
It is a goodly sight
His noble sire to see,
With pride and fond delight,
Him dangling on his knee.
To-night another " Lofty's " horn,
Oh, may he like the rest
His country's name and fame adorn
And in honour's robes be dressed.
Second Night.
Young Charles is now a boy,
His parents' every care.
Pure love without alloy
Oil him they do not spare.
But as he older grows
They cannot fail to know
The seeds he daily sows
Can but be reaped in woe.
PILGRIMAGE OF CHARLES AUGUSTUS LOFTY.
Good tutors—masters of their art—
For him they hire at cost;
But to their hearts it sends a dart
To see 'tis labour lost.
Third Night.
Young Charles is now a youth,
And to his parents" pain,
He's little learned forsooth
That will enhance his gain.
He spends his nights in taverns,
'Mong men of doubtful cast:
And those who know him best admit
That he'll come to grief at last.
In brothels day and night doth he
With gay sireens carouse,
And daily pays the " silence fee "
To hush up drunken rows.
A heavier fee than that he'll yet
In misery have to pay,
When he 110 longer funds can get
In sport to throw away.
Fourth Night.
'Tis night again at Lofty Hall;
And guests are gathered there
To grace young Charlie's birthday hall,
Who costly garments wear.
Inquiries many pass around
For the hero of the night.
At last they hear his voice resound
And see a mournful sight.
f 2
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
Young Cliarles in no evening dress
Like them is now arrayed;
His hair and clothes are in a mess—
He's drunk, I am afraid.
His angry sire the servants tell
To take him from the room:
His face does augur aught hut well;
But 'tis anger mixed with gloom.
Fifth Night.
In Boston's streets, an outcast young
Sits on a doorstep cold;
And he thinks of the scenes he's mixed anion
And his sorrowing parents old.
In silvery flakes the snow comes down
And wets his garments thin ;
And he thinks of home in that strange town,
Which is no more home for him.
Once more he shakes his weary limbs j
To the docks doth wend his way.
He could not bear to live and think,
And starve yet another day.
He takes a plunge in the icy flood,
In life to rise 110 more.
On blocks of ice he spilt his blood,
And his meagre garments tore.
Sixth and Last Night.
'Tis night again at Lofty Hall!
And tears are flowing there !
The widow'd squire, bereft of all,
Has died without an heir.
69
THE VIEWS OE PECKSNIFF JUNIOR UNDERGO A
MOST UNACCOUNTABLE CHANGE AFTER IM¬
BIBING FLUIDS WITH THE SECRETARY.
We used to have some very animated discussions in the smoke
room of the Temperance Hotel re the Manchester Ship Canal.
Mr. Johnstone, always ready to fire a holt into his opponents,
or anyone worthy of his steel, invariably led off and placed his
foes hors de combat instanter.
Johnstone and I were assumed to be in favour of it, and used
to chat freely about it every evening with Mr. Garvie, the
secretary, whenever he came in to tea.
Mr. Pecksniff Junior, who in reality knew very little about
the subject, did not agree with us at all.
But, knowing that it would not be a very difficult matter to
convert him to our "views, we thought it would be a capital idea
(in more senses than one) to bring him into intimate contact
with Mr. Garvie.
As we did not wish to have the responsibility upon our
shoulders of introducing him, we thought the best means of
accomplishing our object would be to employ his " dear Dupe "
to effect an acquaintance between the two parties. Consequently
Mr. Dupe, thinking it to the advantage of Mr. Pecksniff in
general, and possibly himself in particular, eagerly adopted our
suggestion. And, on the following evening, the climax we
anticipated was fully realised.
Pecksniff put on his sweetest of smiles and made himself so
7o THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
agreeable to Mr, Garvie that that gentleman invited him to
irrigate.
So they accordingly adjourned to the " Sheaf."
We had a detailed account from the "boss" next morning
of as much of the conversation that transpired there as he could
remember. It was as follows :—
P. (holding copy of Ship Canal Gazette): "I have often
wondered who the individual was—ha—ha—who wrote those
articles, and have many times wished that man's—ha—ha—
acquaintance, so as to have a talk with him. I have been much
struck with them, and the boundless illimitable importance—
ha—ha—and necessity of the subject opened up. I have
perused them with infinite interest."
Garvie : " That is a desire easily satisfied, sir. I am the in¬
dividual, and feel highly flattered to hear you express yourself
in such complimentary and eulogistic terms. Will you have
another drink1?"
P.: " Well—thank you—yes ! " (rings the bell.)
Garvie: "Did you observe the rub I gave the railway com¬
panies last week1?"
P.: "Ah! yes, did I not—just 1—That was rich, splendid,
overwhelming, unanswerable; in fact, Mr. Garvie, you can't
hit them too hard. It is only on account of their own private
vested interests that they oppose the matter at all. And the
scheme is one—the one, and only one,—that will enliven up
Manchester and bring it up to its proper status"
Garvie (interrupting): "Will you have a cigar?"
P.: " With pleasure."
Garvie: " I am going up to town probably in a few days, to
watch the progress of the Bill before the House, the result of
which will certainly be known before long."
P.: "Yes, certainly!"
Garvie (looking at his chronometer and rising): " Well, I'll
have to go now; I've got to go to the office for two hours yet."
THE VIEWS OF PECKSNIFF JUNIOR. 71
P.: " I say,—excuse me 011 such a short acquaintance, but I
was detained to-day too late to go to the hank, and I am just
short of a few boh to go on with for to-night. If you can
just let me have five bob I'll return it to you when you come
in to tea to-morrow."
Garvie (handing him five shillings): "Certainly, here you
are sir.—Good night."
P.: " Thank you,—Good night."
"When P. returned to the hotel that evening, he told us
that Garvie was such a gentlemanly, clever fellow—he had
convinced him in spite of himself in favour of the Ship
Canal, and, that he now believed in the project as firmly as any
of us.
Every night since then, when Garvie came, he had the supremo
and intense satisfaction of hearing his own articles read aloud by
P., and eulogised with the most fulsome extravagance by that
worthy.
I sincerely hope it afforded him some satisfaction, as that is
the only kind he will ever get in this or the next world from
either Pecksniff or his darling scheme.
72
THE "HOOK" AS AN AMATEUR.
The Stage, or I should say the " Legitimate Drama," has for a
long time remained unattractive, neglected and despised in
England, notwithstanding the embellishments and graphic illus¬
trations of Irving, Terry, Langtry, and the whole crew,—dormant
in fact.
Be it said to their credit, however, the aristocracy, who were
never by any means exponents of the histrionic art before, nor
admirers of anything pertaining thereto—except the actresses—
have attempted to rescue it from its fallen estate, and con¬
descended to patronise it, not only with their approval, but with
their superior (1)'ability to render and represent plays as they
should be played.
Of late, it has become the fashion amongst this class of new
fledged actors—to the great disgust of realistic, professional,
authoritative and naturally gifted actors—to hold what is called
Matinees, at which only a select few of the first water are
admitted. At these Thespian levees a play is rehearsed, and a
select company is then formed ostensibly to "exalt " the Drama to
its original and pristine representation under cover of Amateur
Theatricals.
The " Doolc" Plantagenet de Tambourine, conceiving an
ardent and lofty desire to distinguish himself on the boards,
thought it no condescension to lower himself from his high
estate, and volunteered his services at one of these Matinees,
and, of course, he was immediately engaged.
The play was arranged and the various actors " fitted into " the
THE "BOOK" AS AN AMATEUR.
73
parts to be represented—not the persons most adapted selected
for the parts.
On this occasion an amateur theatrical performance was
to be given at Bookitap,* in aid of the charities of the place,
and the " Dook," who was on a visit there, was accord¬
ingly accommodated with a part. This was to act as "sup.'
He would only have to come in twice (quite enough for him),
and that in important parts of the play, firstly, where a coffin
supposed to contain a dead body was being carried out, and
ejaculate—
" Stand aside, my lord, and let the coffin pass."
Every one of his colleagues thought this would suit the "Dook"
admirably. He rehearsed accordingly, and undertook the part,
stipulating only for a bottle of whiskey, with which he could
nerve himself to the task.
The time arrived for his advent on the stage, and the stage-
manager having very foolishly allowed him to indulge in a
potation before his appearance, the " Dook" entered, and articu¬
lated in tones of almost superhuman loftiness, soaring above the
skies, amidst a most profound silence in which you could have
heard a needle drop,—his ideas having become confused,—
" Stand aside, my lord, and let the parson cough."
This was, as may be imagined, fatal to that portion of the piece,
and caused considerable merriment.
It was then doubtful to the stage manager, whether he should
be entrusted with the rendering of the second portion, where he
was required to take a leading part.
But the Duke, though confused by his mishap, after another
iiip of whiskey, expressed himself confident.
The part assigned to him now was in reply to a servant.
" My lord, a lady waits without." Duke: "Tell her I will
attend to her in a moment.
* Central Otago, N. Z.
74
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
The Duke abided his time, and, on receiving the servant's
message, boldly exclaimed—■
" Tell her I'll be in to her in a minuit."
This of course concluded the performance—the curtain fell.
I was telling the above yarn to a chap a short time ago, and
he said, " I knew a lawyer in Dublin whose chambers and house
were in the same block. He was rather given to dosing in bed
of a morning, so much so that his clerks were obliged to take up
his letters to the bedroom, and frequently to announce that clients
were waiting to see him.
" One morning his chief clerk, who did not care to lower his
dignity by going into details with his juniors, sent one of the
lads up stairs with a message to Mr. O'Spudd, to the effect that
there was some important business to go into at once. On
Mr. O'Spudd receiving the message, he sat up in bed, pointed
to the door, and ejaculated in a dignified tone of voice ' Pathric,
till him that I'll be in till it in a minute.' And he was, in less,
for he stepped out of bed and put his foot into it, scattering the
contents, which were voluminous, all over the floor."
75
A BATTLE WITH A BULL.
^following is a specimen of the inspiration of a provincial
poetic genius the author met with at a wayside hostelry in
Lancashire, and which, though never before published, is
framed, and adorns the walls of the hostelry in memory
of th^e deceased poet.]
""If heroes gain'd a place in fame
" By great exploits of old,
Why should not gallant deeds the same
In modern times be told 1
Hercules slew the Cretan bull,
Ulysses killed a boar;
My hero proved of courage full,
And firm as men of yore.
Ho arms but what Dame Hature gave
Were used in this affray;
He conquer'd still in combats brave,
And trophies bore away.
There is a mansion—CJjauafber'H&ll,
Commands a prospect wide,
Its sloping lands and summit tall
With fossil wealth supplied, —
And down its shady, winding lane,
An ancient cottage stands,
With farm, a part of this domain,
And join'd by meadow lands.
This is my doughty hero's cot,
A joiner, too, by trade ;
Some friendly trees adorn the spot,
And lend a welcome shade.
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
The farm he held was small indeed,
And little grass to spare ;
An only cow—a favourite breed—
Would often make it bare.
The stately bull of Chamber Hall
Then graz'd beside the hedge,
And freely would occasion call,
Bestow a loving pledge.
The noble beast by instinct mov'd
Whene'er the air was keen,
Or else the pasture which he loved
Oft broke the fence between.
The joiner, thrifty in his way,
Pop visits did not mind,
And grumbled hard the fee to pay
Thus doubly back in kind.
Regardless of both threats and law
The hull would join his dame;
His foe the wilful trespass saw,
And vow'd to stop the same.
In thoughtless haste no weapon took
To drive the bull away;
The bold intruder gave a look,
Which seem'd to answer JStay !
The surly beast soon made a bound,
The joiner to assail ;
But he, more dextrous, turned round,
And seized him by the tail.
A BATTLE WITH A BULL.
And there he held—'twas most discreet,
For he was staunch of heart;
And quickly play'd his nimble feet
Upon a tender part.
Assaulted thus, his fury burn'd
And bellow'd out in rage ;
He plung'd about, and quickly turn'd
Himself to disengage.
A boy with stone put in a sling
Can whirl it round and round,
So did the bull the joiner swing,
"Who scarcely touch'd the ground.
But still he held the bristly rope,
And kept his place behind;
The bull possessing ample scope,
Then rush'd away like wind.
Tor Chamber meadow off a-pace,
Through quickthorn hedge he burst,
Which tore the joiner's hand and face,
And frightfully he curs'd.
But yet he durst not end the strife,
The bull was raging mad;
The only chance to save his life
Was keep the hold he had.
The sober herd now saw with dread
This strife with bull and man,
Each cock'd her tail, and shook her head,
And round the meadow ran.
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
The bull, to new expedient put,
Had others tried in vain ;
And now the joiner's cursed foot
Began to play again.
A strange event now came to pass
By chance or if designed
I cannot tell—but so it was—
The bull let go behind !
This happened, too, in eddish time,
When as farmers all can tell,
Grass is a purgative so prime,
'Twould do the business well.
The motion struck the joiner mute,
His stature being low, •
He caught the whole of that salute
But yet did not let go.
How to repay this dirty trick
He understood too well,
And so he did, for every kick
How made the bull to bell.
But still he mounted up the field,
And suffering much in pain,
Determin'd yet he would not yield,
He poured his shot. again.
Oh! piteous now the joiner's case,
Completely drench'd and blind,
Ho features seen of human face,
But he jogg'd on behind.
A BATTLE WITH A BULL.
A beggar blind by dog in tow,
Is no desirous place;
Nor this, indeed, the joiner's now,
Led in this wild-bull race.
They now about a mile had gone,
Nor slacken'd speed at all;
The joiner's foot kept playing on,
And bitterly did gall.
The bull as straight as line or rule
In one direction kept,
Then cross'd his path a standing pool,
And headlong in he lept.
The joiner slipt the cable here,
Nor would he follow more;
The bull surrender'd now 'twas clear,
For he'd not come on shore.
And there they stood, and sternly gaz'i
No words could they exchange;
For both seemed equally amaz'd
At incidents so strange.
Th&jmn^washkL^
Bjqtall^tko-.tim&.he- staylcL,
The bull was stationed im the pit,'"
As far as he could-wade^
And this impression still is strong
Upon the joiner's mind,
" The bull to drown him drove along,
Supposing he was blind."
Let ev'ry man that would deny
The joiner's honours full,
To prove his courage go and try
" A battle with a bull."
8o
FAT DIS HE KEN ABOOT IT?
In Cupar-Fife, Scotland, tliere resided in 1870 a minister—the
Kev. Mr. McStailing. He was a very eminent man, and a
capital preacher ; beloved by all the few enlightened among his
congregation ; hut disliked by the unsoaped, because these latter,
failing to understand what he said, accused him of talking bosh.
There also resided in the borough at this time a Mrs. Teacaddy.
She was looked up to by the unsoaped as no mean authority
on all subjects, but most especially on religious matters.Her
sayings were quoted at all the old wives' tea and gossip meetings,
for which Cupar is so famous.
The feeling among a large portion of the community at last
became so strong against Mr. McStarling, that a meeting of all
the learned old wives in Cupar was convened to investigate the
matter, and for the purpose of sending a deputation to the
General Assembly in Edinburgh, and to lay their grievances
before that learned body.
The following ladies were present:—Mrs. Teacaddy, Mrs.
McSniggens, Miss Sloppail, Mrs. Cupotea, Mrs. Sugartongs,
Mrs. Softsoap, Mrs. Welsh Karebit, Mrs. Beaderquiddy, Mrs.
Dishclout, Miss Buttertoast, Miss Warmingpan, and Mrs.
Jamscum.
Miss Sloppail proposed, and Mrs. Dishclout seconded, " That
Mrs. Teacaddy should take the chair," which was carried unani¬
mously.
Mrs. McSniggens then propsed, and Miss Buttertoast
seconded, "That the 'Charwoman' should address some
remarks on the object of the meeting."
FAT P/S HE KEN A BOOT IT.
81
This motion was also carried, and Mrs. Teacaddy rose and
opened up as follows :—
"Now then, leddies, I wints to know in the first place, before
takin' violent proceedins in the matter (hear, hear), what
Mr. McStarling means by makin' use of them unorthidoxy
hallucinatums 1 (Hear, hear.) We have already made up our
minds—the most of us, I believe—that steps must he taken in
the matter to stop it, but (hear, hear) before doing so it is as
well for all our constitootiuns (hear, hear) that we should look
into the matter, and speere at ourselves ' fat he means by it'
(hear, hear). Noo, leddies, notlong ago the minnister was talkin'
aboot the flood, and he said, that it wis now generally believed
to be an entirely local eruption (hear, hear). Mark me now,
leddies, he said, ' It is now generally believed.'' Now do any of
you believe, or does anyone else believe, except the minnister
himself, that the flood did not go beyond Cupar 1 (Loud cries
of No, no, and enthusiastic cheering.) Noo, leddies, Muster
McStarling gave a vera stoopid lectur in the Corn Exchange,
which I think the most of you heard, in the course of which he
talked aboot the eighteenth century and the nineteenth century ;
and fat dis he ken aboot the nineteenth century, when we're no
in it yet 1" (Enthusiastic cheering).
Mrs. Teacaddy, who had worked herself up to a high pitch of
excitement, and was thoroughly exhausted, now had to sit
down.
Mrs. Cupotea then addressed the meeting. She said :—-
" Noo, leddies, I'm sure we ought to feel grateful for the
chairman's remarks (hear, hear). I'm not a person to make
complaints without a cause, as you all know full well, but when
I sees the minnister walkin' past the kirk laugliin' and talkin' to
that conceited Miss Worthlesspoon (cries of shame), and just
carryin' on as if he is no minnister at all, I think it's high time
to speak. Bit I can tell you somethin' worse than that (cries of
'Oh !' upholding of hands in horror, and elevation of eyebrows),
9
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
As I wis comin' by the manse last Sonday night, aboot an bour
after evening service (I conld no help seein' it, you. know), bit
there wis the minnister, sittin' a-smokin' a clay pipe at the
winday"
At this the whole meeting were so horrified and flabber¬
gasted, that for some moments they were speechless, turned up
the whites of their eyes, and held up their hands in pious
horror.
Mrs. Cupotea then continuing, announced, "That she could
teel them even worse things than that, but she would spare*
their feelings."
At this point the "chairman" went right off into hysterics,
and the meeting was prematurely brought to a close, further
discussion being postponed to some future period.
83
THE CABMAN'S STORY.
I was in Arbroath* once at the time the Salvation Army were
creating so much disturbance there.
It was a very wet day, and all of a sudden there came on an
unusually heavy downpour, so I made tracks to the nearest
shelter, which was a cabman's one.
They did not make any objection to my intrusion; in fact
they did not notice me, as they were all huddled up in a corner
telling anecdotes. One of them, whom I afterwards learned was
a captain in the Salvation Army, addressed them as follows,
which I was just in time to hear:—
"Ah ! lads," said he, "you ought to come to our meetings;
you'd see some rare sport there."
" Is that so 1" asked one of them.
" Yes," replied the first speaker, " I had a grand spree the
other night. Fancy, one of the girls, an officer too, got dead
struck on me. I offered to give her a lift home and she climbed
up on the box beside me. Well, we got so fond of each other, we
started embracing, and all the rest of it, you know, when all of
a sudden I became aware of the fact she had got on Wellington
boots. Oh! " continued he, " that was horrid, man! I did not
like that at all. It cooled my ardour, I can tell you."
" Why, confound you rascal," said one of his companions,
rising in great wrath, "that was my wife. I locked up her
boots to keep her from going to the meeting and so she put on
mine." (Great laughter.)
* Forfarshire, Scotland.
g 2
84
MR. WEAVER'S NOTES ON THE PILGRIM'S
PROGRESS.
The Rev. Mr. Weaver some years since published a new edition
of Bunyan's "Pilgrim's Progress," accompanied by original
explanatory notes, with the idea of making it clearer than it had
ever been before to ignorant people.
When it was completed he presented copies of it to a large
number of his parishioners. After giving them what he con¬
sidered ample time to read it, he made it his business to visit
the recipients of the book, and his hard labours, to see how it
was appreciated.
Old Peggie Scott was the first he called on, and after entering
the cottage and passing a few commonplace remarks con¬
cerning the weather, he said,
" Well, Peggie, do you understand the Pilgrim's Progress
now 1"
"Aye, sir," replied Peggie, "I ken the Pilgrim's Progress
Vera weel, and I hope in time to understand the notes as well."
85
THE SILENT MEMBEK.
Mr. Wallace, for many years resident magistrate at Bookitap,
was a very popular man, notwithstanding his numerous eccen¬
tricities, some of which were very marked.
He was a man of very few words, in fact it may he said he
never opened his mouth if he could help it, which earned for
him the above sobriquet.
He was a great rider and a great walker, but when either
riding or walking he preferred to be alone.
On one occasion when taking an unusually long tour, after
having proceeded about twelve miles he was overtaken by a
storm; and very opportunely at the same time, by a party of
friends in a buggy.
They stopped and invited him to enter, which he very
unwillingly consented to do.
He saluted them with " Good morning, gentlemen," and sat
down in a corner, placed his hands in his pockets and pursed irp
his lips tightly. Notwithstanding the fact that his friends kept
up a lively and animated conversation during the whole of the
journey,—a distance of thirty miles—Mr. Wallace never opened
his mouth again until the buggy stopped, when he said, "'(Thank
you, gentlemen. Good bye! " and jumped out.
86
THE MECHANISM OE MODERN WARFARE.
The following startling news appeared in the Salford Evening
Sun on Wednesday evening, the 29th of August last, headed—
" Declaration of War between Erance and China.
The Mechanism of Modern Warfare.
Ingenuity of the Chinese.
A Portentous Pokestake in the Operations,
Causing Immense Loss of Life and Property.
&c., &c., &c.
" Shanghai, Wednesday, Aug. 1, 1883.
"War has now been formally declared between Erance and
China.
" The Chinese authorities are sending 600,000 fresh troops to
Canton. Great activity prevails in all the arsenals here;
torpedoes and ammunition are being plentifully prepared for
Canton. A report is current, though not as yet confirmed, that
Li-Hung-Chang-Bong-Choo will return to Shanghai.
" The Chinese authorities have been most active in their
operations, and no sooner was war declared than they sent down
a frigate to the Straits of Sunda with orders to blow Anger
into the middle of the Straits, and if not sufficient the mountain
of Karaktoa also, so as effectually to block them up against the
passage of the French Fleet. The Chinese Government have
already engaged the services of an ingenious engineer named
Sewer, from Manchester, well known in that city for the removal
of ancient landmarks, who has a big project which he has sub¬
mitted to them for the removal of the Bar some thousands of
miles away, and by means of massive pumping machinery to
utilize the force of nature by rolling back the tide so as to over¬
whelm the French men-of-war and troop ships, not with powder
hut WATER,
MECHANISM OF MODERN WARFARE. 87
" He has accordingly left for the seat of war, accompanied by
his private secretary, Mr. Garvie—the original inventor of the
scheme.
" This gentleman, to whom nothing seems impracticable where
money is at stake, rather than see it go a begging has in his
quiver also a scheme for intersecting His Celestial Majesty's
kingdom—what are continents to him ?—by a ship canal
running through the territory at two right angles and thus at
once solving the one great problem of the passage to the North
Pole, the North-West Passage, and an easy communication with
undiscovered empires.
" And we have now to announce the satisfactory intelligence
that the Straits are completely blocked up and impassable. And
that Anjertjeringenupoholo Telokhetongerapoopoo is entirely
destroyed and that the lighthouses in Sunda Strait have also
disappeared.
" The only pokestake in the operations—and that a porten¬
tous one—was that the Chinese Admiral in the haste to carry
out his plans, forgot to warn the inhabitants to keep out of the
way, in consequence of which there were about 200,000 of them
killed. But that's nothing."
The Daily Flabbergasted' of next day had as follows:—
" There is no foundation for the startling news reported in
last eveningls papers concerning the Declaration of War between
France and China.
" The Chinese are merely preparing for war, though we would
not be surprised any day to hear that war was declared.
"The explosion on the Island of Java was not caused, as
reported, by dynamite, but by the volcanic eruption of the
mountain of Krakatoa Latakia.
"We believe, however, there is some truth in the Govern¬
ment having adopted the suggestion of a Manchester gentleman
for the removal of the Bar and blocking the straits more
effectually."
83
A DEBATE ON THE MANCHESTER SHIP CANAL.
As mentioned in a former article, we used to have frequent
and animated discussions in the smoke room of the Temperance
Hotel, Manchester, on the great Ship Canal. But, as it happened
seldom that all the celebrities who frequented the house could
assemble together at any given time, it was mutually resolved
among these said celebrities that we should hold a special meet¬
ing, at a time most convenient to all, for the purpose of venti¬
lating the subject.
Accordingly, one Saturday evening, the following gentlemen
attended:—Mr. Garvie, Mr. Pecksniff, Mr. Butcher, Mr. Dupe,
Mr. Johnstone, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Cheeser, Mr. Scott, Mr. Tait,
and Mr. Smith, the manager of the house.
At half-past six prompt the doors were closed, and the pro¬
ceedings were at once opened.
Mr. Pecksniff proposed, and Mr. Dupe seconded, " That Mr.
Garvie, the Secretary of the Ship Canal, should take the chair."
No amendment being proposed, the motion was declared unani¬
mously carried.
Mr. Garvie, much flattered, made for the chair; but, before
sitting down, said, " Smith, if you'll ring the bell, I'll send out
for something to drink" (turning to Pecksniff) "I suppose you'll
not object?"
Pecksniff: " Oh, by no means—greatest pleasure—ha—ha—
am sure."
Garvie : " Have a cigar ?"
Pecksniff: "Thanks!"
Jchnstone: " I beg to move wc have a tarpaulin-muster."*
* Mutual subscription.
A DEBATE ON THE MANCHESTER SHIP CANAL. 89
Cheeser: " I second the motion."
Pecksniff: "I beg to propose an amendment, 'That, as Mr.
Gar vie has offered to treat, we do not have a tarpaulin-muster,
as that could only be construed as an insult to our chairman.'"
Mr. Dupe, on getting a wink from Pecksniff, would have
arisen to second the amendment, but Mr. Johnstone held him
securely in his seat, while Mr. Cheeser completely blocked his
power of utterance by placing his large hand over his mouth.
The motion of Mr. Johnstone was therefore unanimously
carried and the hat passed round. When, it came to Peck¬
sniff's turn to augment the fund it found him (as usual) fumbling
in all his pockets for that never-to-be-found, small, miserable
coin, and wearing a sickening look of despair. At last he
mumbled forth, "Put in for me, Dupe."
Dupe did so.
This being all satisfactorily arranged, Mr. Pecksniff then rose
to open the debate. He started as follows :—
" Gentlemen—(cries of chair, chair)—I beg pardon, Mr.
Chairman and gentlemen,—We have met, gentlemen, on this—
I may say auspicious—occasion, to discuss an important subject
—a subject which is creating great interest in the commercial
circles, not only in Manchester "
Mr. Johnstone : " Heaw, heaw ■ but in all parts of the globe."
Pecksniff: " Thank you. I said commercial circles, gentle¬
men, and what is to the interest of commercial circles is to the
interest of the community at large—the commercial interests of
the universe." (Spits on fender.)
Smith: "I can't allow that, Mr. Pecksniff." (Cries of order.)
Johnstone: " Heaw, heaw."
Pecksniff (resuming): "As I was saying, gentlemen, it affects
the interests of the community at large" (Spits on carpet.)
Smith : " If you don't cheese that, you'll have to git."
Johnstone : " Heaw, heaw." (Loud cries of order.)
Pecksniff: " Now that the bill has been successfully rejected
9°
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
by the upper house, gentlemen, we have ample time for cool
consideration, calm deliberation, of the matter before it comes
to be read again "
Scott: " Dry up and bust." (Cries of order.)
Pecksniff: " But there is another scheme which I am about
to lay before you, gentlemen, which our respected chairman,
who is (as I suppose you are aware) the secretary of the com¬
pany—(applause)—has, with myself, developed a plan which
cannot fail to facilitate the passing of the measure, and, with
my assistance—ahem—he intends to carry out. (Enthusiastic
cheering.) It is his intention—our intention, I may say—gentle¬
men, to remove the Bar" ■
Johnstone (aside to Mr. Cheeser): " The removal of the penny
beer bar would affect his interests most, eh 1"
Cheeser : " You bet."
Pecksniff: " at Liverpool down to the Tuscar Light by
means of dynamite." (Tremendous applause.)
Johnstone: "You're a consolidated ass!" (Cries of order.)
" I repeat it, sir, you're the concentrated essence of an ass."
(Renewed cries of order.)
Jackson: "I beg to move that"
Scott: "Dry up!"
Smith: " Less noise, please, gentlemen." (Renewed cries of
order.)
Pecksniff: " Gentlemen—(hisses)—being unable to continue
amidst this confusion, I beg leave to sit down."
Johnstone: "I beg to move the following resolution:—
' That this meeting expresses it as their unanimous opinion that
Mr. Pecksniff, in submitting such wild, absurd, inconceivable
proposals, has insulted the intelligence of this meeting—(cries
of order)—by insinuating that the gentlemen present were in¬
sane enough to give credence to such rot.' "
Cheeser: " I second that."
Garvie, the chairman, was about to rise and defend Mr. P.,
A DEBATE ON THE MANCHESTER SHIP CANAL. 91
but he was held down in the chair, and Mr. Butcher, who is a
very fat man, sat upon him.
Mr. Johnstone's resolution was then put to the vote and
unanimously carried.
Mr. Jackson then proposed "That this debate be postponed
to some indefinite period in futurity, and that we all adjourn for
a drink."
Pecksniff (amidst tremendous cheering): "I beg to second
that."
And Scott, Jackson, Pecksniff, Butcher and myself accordingly
adjourned to the " Wheatsheaf."
93
AN INTERVIEW WITH ALFRED TOWNSEND.
When I was in Chicago, some years ago, I heard that Alfred
Townsend was also there, and had been for about a fortnight.
Accordingly, as I had always heard that he was an affable sort
of a cuss, and having a great desire to add him lo the list of my
acquaintances, I ascertained at what hotel he was stopping—
which fortunately did not happen to he far from my own—and
went there.
I sent up my pasteboard, and was shown into a room with a
stove in the centre.
There I saw a long, gaunt, lean, lanky individual, with his
feet on the stove pipe, landing brown sodgers, upon the stove.
"Is that you, Alf?" said I familiarly.
" I should smile !" replied he and went on chewing.
Seeing that he paid no further attention to me, I took a chair
and sat down beside him.
I then proposed, "Will you irrigate 1"
He eyed me, measuring me from head to foot, for a few
seconds, slowly withdrew the chew from his mouth, and said
" All right, boss; come a hit nearer the stove, and warm your¬
self. Who are you, anyway!"
To which I replied, "I am an antipodean savage, just arrived
from the wilds of New Zealand, and my name is Bartholomew
Cheeser."
" All right, Bertie, old cuss; here's the waiter; what's your
drink, anyway?"
I ordered "Tom and Jerry" and he "Rye."
AN INTERVIEW WITH ALFRED TOWNS END. 93
"You'd better have a 'Key-west,'" he interposed; "only
fifteen cents each."
I assented.
Alf then ordered two Key-wests; and when I had paid for
the drinks and cigars, I said, " I'm in the same line of business
as' yourself, Alf."
" Is that so 1" asked he.
" Yes—fact," said I; " say, do you think a fellow can pick up
some good yarns around hereaway1?"
" Oh yes, plenty," replied he ; " there's a rope works only two
blocks from here; they've got manila, kiar, and every species.
But you'll need to be pretty fly about it. There was a man
caught sneaking some only last week, and he got sent up for
thirty days."
"Is that so? " asked I.
" Yes, sir,—fact," said he; " d respectable chap, too.
His mother used to wash for the chap that shot Abe Lincoln."
I then addressed him as follows:—"How, setting all jokes
on one side, Alf, as I told you before I am in the same line of
business as yourself, and will you do me the favour of giving
your candid opinion as to whether or not in this city of Chicago
a man of ordinary talent and observant habits can pick up any¬
thing spirited 1"
" Most certainly !" exclaimed he (ringing the bell). " I'll
show you. Waiter," said he, when that individual arrived, fetch
this gentleman some ' Dakota Tan Juice,* and I'll take another
'Eye.'"
I waited in silence to hear what he was going to say or do.
When the drinks arrived, he handed me the "Tan Juice," say¬
ing, "How, Bertie, my lad, get to the outside of that. You'll
have to go to a tap situated in a much warmer climate if you
want anything much more spirited than this, I guess."
* Whiskey noted for its strength, Beryneas and badness.
94
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
It certainly was very spirited indeed—the devil's own fluid—
so much so that I don't want any more of the kind for a pretty
considerable period.
I thought I would just have one more trial, and accordingly
addressed him again as follows:—"Say, Alf, look here now;
^just tell me like a good fellow, without any humbug, where is
the best place in Chicago to get a good character 1"
"'tWell," said he, "if you'll not give it away, I'll show you
where an old chap lives on state, who will give you a character,
signed by any Congress men or senator you like, from a dry
goods clerk up to President of the United States for five dollars
upwards, according to the billet you want."
I thanked him, and told him I would call and see him some
other time.
"Yes, do, Bertie," said he; "I'm glad you called. Look in
any time you are passing, and any information it is in my power
to give you, you are welcome to. I wont charge you anything."
I again thanked him, and we parted.
95
MR. GEORGE AND HIS DOGS.
Some years ago there lived in Dunedin a wealthy financial
agent—Mr. George George. He was not esteemed a profes¬
sionally liberal man, notwithstanding his great wealth. There
were, however, three subjects upon which he lavished his
" liberality" in an unmistakeable manner, viz., wine, women,
and dogs.
He had a special taste for dogs, and about the time of which
I write he had just imported from Europe, at a cost of five
hundred pounds, two very handsome specimens of the St.
Bernard breed.
These animals soon became much attached to their master,
and followed him wherever he went.
In consequence of this attachment, when he proposed to take
a walk in the evening, he used to shut or chain them up, as he
said " it was not good for them to be out after dark."
He went one night to pay his respects to some ladies in the
" Devil's Half Acre," and somehow or other the dogs managed to
follow him that evening unnoticed by their master, and, strange
to relate, they must have entered the house too, and got shut up
in a room by accident. For singularly enough, an advertise¬
ment appeared in the papers next morning describing the dogs,
and stating that "they had been found in a room at No. 6,
Devil's Half Acre, and that if not claimed within a certain time
they would be sold to defray expenses."
I suppose it must have been George's weakness for the fair
sex, or something of that kind, that prevented him from de¬
priving the ladies of the beautiful dogs, for curiously enough he
never went to claim them from that day to this.
HOW I CAPPED TUTTON.
I went up the Waitaki* Eiver once on a visit to a friend who had
a sheep run there. There is not much amusement on a sheep
station either in winter or summer, day or night.
I saw very little of mine host during the day, hut in the
evening we used to have a little Mte-a-tete together.
Our principle pastime was capping each other's yarns, and this
we would go on doing until Tutton would get digusted with my
lies, and we retired to rest.
He told me a yarn about an old parson who used to come and
interview him sometimes on his way into Oinaru, which deserves
a record here.
Now this old parson had a very shaggy old black pony that
he had had for a number of years, and he told Tutton on one
occasion when he stopped for the night to break his journey
that he was going to sell the pony and buy a new one.
He returned a few days afterwards on a sleek, trim little pony
about the same size as the other one.
Tutton smelt a rat at once, but did not say so at the time.
" How much did you sell the old one for 1" asked Tutton.
"Ten pounds," replied the parson.
"And how much did you give for the new one?" again
asked he.
" Twenty-five pounds," he replied.
A few months after that the old parson drew up there
again.
* New Zealand.
HOW I CAPPED TUTTON.
97
"Why," exclaimed Tutton, "you've got your old pony back
again."
" Y es," said the parson, " I never had any other. That
scoundrel only clipped and combed him, and then sold him
to me as a new one for twenty-five pounds."
" Oh, that's nothing," said I. " My father always used to sell
his old carriages. And there was another old gentleman living
fast by who bought secondhand ones.
"Now the old man knew this, so he drove over one day in a
carriage which he was just about to dispose of prior to getting a
new one.
" The old man asked him ' how it would suit him %' to which
he replied, ' Why, I would not give five pounds for it; it's quite
done, man.'"
"The governor accordingly takes it into town and gets £25 off
the price of a new one for it.
" A few days afterwards his neighbour comes round to show
him his new carriage, which he had bought cheap for thirty-five
guineas.
"It was no other than the old man's with a coat of paint on it,
and which he had refused to give him five pounds for."
Tutton then went on to tell me about a man who had
made his fortune in the manufacture of patent closets,
and, on retiring from business, built for himself a palatial
residence on a swamp, which he styled "Water Castle,"
and which was known by the unwashed of the neighbourhood
as the W.C.
I asked him had he learned the sequel to that yarn1? He
replying in the negative, I told him it.
The same person who he had been speaking about, after awhile
took a distaste to the vulgar cognomen by Which it Was lam-
pooned, and searched for a more palatable patronymic. He
finally decided, and advertised the fact that in future it Would
be known as " Bog House." But here he was equally tmfortu-
H
98
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
nate in his choice, and merely got out of the saucepan into the
stove; for the hog-trotters now called it " The Bog."
Tutton looked dismayed, pulled up his socks, took another
drain and resumed :
" Well of all "the rum titles to a mansion I ever met with, was
1 Brandy House.' The owner was a chap that had made his
money out of selling brandy, and, when he retired, he com¬
memorated the fact by christening it " Brandy Hall."
I rather doubted this. " Tact, I assure you," he replied.
"Well," said I (not to he beaten), "I knew a distiller in
Kentucky who made his pile* out of whiskey, and, on his retire¬
ment from business, erected a house and called it ' Whiskey
Hall.' But it was always known in the neighbourhood and
styled as ' Aleohall.' "
Tutton couldn't stand it any longer, looked faint, and retired,
saying that I would find candle and matches outside.
* Fortune.
99
A MULTIFARIOUS BABY.
Some years ago, a case came before the Sheriffs' Court at Cupar -
Fife, in which one of the most extraordinary decisions ever
given was delivered by the then sheriff.
Notwithstanding the fact of its being such a marvellous
verdict, we cannot see ourselves how we could have returned a
different one.
It was a case in which a young woman sued a young man for
the maintenance of her child.
The young woman had fixed upon a particular person; but
when the case came on, and the interesting circumstances gone
into, we failed to see, and the Court failed to see, why she had
selected this particular one, as there were five other young
men in Court, who to all appearances from the evidence,
the young lady had just as much claim upon as the one she had
sued.
After evidence had been adduced leading to the above highly
satisfactory conclusion, the sheriff ordered the six young men
into the witness-box at once. This being complied with, he
instructed the young lady to hold up the baby in the direction
of the young men.
Upon doing this, the child ejaculated, "Da, da, da, da, da, da,"
pointing its mystic little finger to each.
" That will do," said the sheriff; " my decision is, that you are
all equally responsible, and must all contribute to the mainten¬
ance of the child—£ it is a wise child that knows its own father'"
—and they are all doing so to this day.
Taking all the circumstances into consideration, it would be
unjust to censure this limb of the law upon whose shoulders the
mantle of Solomon had fallen ; in my opinion it was a very
wise judgment indeed.
ioo
PECKSNIFF'S DILEMMA.
P. came in to tlie smoke room one evening where Johnstone,
Dupe, Scott, Butcher, Tait, and myself were seated.
His appearance betokened one of great importance. He
carried in his hand a large bundle of papers, drawings, plans and
prospectuses, and others were protruding from his pockets.
" By Jove, gentlemen ! " always his favourite method of herald¬
ing a windfall, " I'm into it at last," striding majestically to
an armchair, and seating himself as if on a "throne " with serene
dignity.
"Into what 1" said Johnstone ; " into the Gazette?"
" No," said P., " I'm in a dilemma ; here I've got four hundred
thousand acres of land to sell. I have one customer, but if I
wrait for two days I know I shall have another and a better one.
You see this customer I have now offers below the minimum
price—and that will of course wipe away a lot of my commission;
hut, after all, it will leave me with a few thousands
"Thundering lie ! " whispered Johnstone to me.
" What do you think, gentlemen1? " he continued, " what do
you think I ought to do ? "
" Stand drinks round," said Jackson, promptly.
" He'll sell all Stinkchester, and everybody in it," muttered
Johnstone between his teeth.
" I will," said P., replying to Jackson's exclamation. " I will.
Come along, gentlemen."
We all went down to the " Sheaf," and after we had named
our drinks, the waiter asked who was going to pay.
"Oh!" said P., "put them down to me; I'll pay you to¬
morrow."
" No, that's hardly good enough," remarked the waiter.
" Oh! hut it will he all right," said P., looking dreadfully
uncomfortable.
PECKSNIFFS DILEMMA.
101
" But I say it's not all right," reiterated the waiter.
At this point, Dupe put his hand in his pocket for the pur¬
pose of paying, hut was prevented from doing so. We then
passed roundahat,and subscribed the amount,much to ourchagrin.
On our way back Pecksniff said, " Gentlemen, it is a most
unfortunate circumstance—most unfortunate. I'm sure I was
under the impression that I had some coin in my pocket when
I came out—must have mislaid it somewhere, or neglected to
put it into my pocket, though, I suppose.—However, it was
shabby treatment, in that house, to an old customer. I shall
have to withdraw my patronage, I'm afraid, if they don't
apologize. If I was to tell the proprietor," he continued, " that
young man would be instantly dismissed; but I won't do that,
I'll let him off this time."
Johnstone whispered very audibly to Scott, that he thought
it very probable he would have been dismissed " had he trusted
him for the drinlcs."
After we had returned to the smoke room, Johnstone winked
to the company, and approaching Mr. P. with " Say, P., I'm
deuced sorry to trouble you, you know; but I am, unfortunately,
ha—ha—you know, ha,—rather hard up—in low water to-day,—
the bank I've got my money in suspended,—and I shall feel
obliged if you will lend me the insignificantly mean and paltry
sum. of five shillings."
"I don't know whether I can," replied P.; "but, if I can,
you are welcome to it. I'll go up stairs and see what change
I've got."
We saw no more of P. until the following forenoon, when
Johnstone reminded him of the circumstance.
" I do not know how I could have forgotten it," he apologized;
" most stupid of me—must have been thinking of something
else on the way down stairs—escaped my memory altogether.
"Well, well," lie added, "it can't be helped now, I've just
been to the bank and paid in every cent."
102
A DREAM OF PANDEMONIUM.
Wicked Joe Prawn—commonly known as "Wicked Joe"—
used to have a store in Bismarck, Dakota.* He earned the
name of " Wicked" Joe, owing to his being one of the biggest
liars, the vilest swearers, and the most brazen-faced cheats, that
ever lived.
If a dead fraud was ever brought straight home to the
" Wicked," he would settle the matter by shooting some one,
and thus he always got out of it.
Tax collectors, insurance agents, and canvassers had a dread
of him, and never dared go within a block of his store, which
he occupied about twelve years without paying a cent of rent or
taxes.
The " Wicked " occasionally went to Sam Mayne's saloon, in
an evening, and one night, while there, to the great surprise of
all present, he got badly scared. It was supposed to he for the
first time in his life.
Jim Grundy, who had had the jim-jams,t was relating a
dream he had while in that state. He stated that he dreamt he
was in h .
The " Wicked" pricked up his ears, and asked him what he
had seen there! The others also urged him on with his dream.
Jim then began to describe his dream as follows:
"Well, hoys, I perceived a long, vast corridor filled with
* U. S.
t A type of deliri m tremens.
A DREAM OF PANDEMONIUM. io3
chairs, beneath and around each of which was burning a sepa¬
rate fire. In the middle of these,—the centre of the depart¬
ment,—was a great throne, on which was seated in flaming
dignity his Satanic majesty,—' Old Nick.' I observed that
round about the throne the chairs were far larger than the
others, under which played intenser flames. Most of these
were red-hot, and the ' imps' were incessantly heaping more
fuel on the fire. One of these, the largest of all, had nearly
attained a white heat, and had a perfect whirlwind of flames
round about it, and had, as his S. M. informed me, been
situated in that temperature for ten years, awaiting its occupant."
At this point, the whole company, who were getting profoundly
interested in the narrative, simultaneously queried, "Who was
it fori"
Jim continuing, "I asked Old Nick, 'Is it for Beecher?'"
and the following dialogue took place :—
O.N. : "No" (pointing to a seat surrounded by mountains of
forked flames), " that is the place reserved for him."
Jim : " Parnell 1"
0. N.: "Not booked yet."
Jim : " Bradlaugh 1"
0. N.: " Not booked yet."
Jim : '' Bismarck 1"
0. N.: " Not booked yet."
Jim: " Gladstone 1"
0. N.: "Not booked yet."
Jim: " O'Donnovan Rossal"
0. N. : "Not booked yet."
The curiosity of Jim's audience had by this time been greatly
excited, and more especially that of the "Wicked." They
demanded to know who then it could be for 1
Jim quietly replied, "I then asked him if it was for Clemens
or.'Peck?'"
His Majesty smiled, as only the devil can, and, pointing to a
104 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
select warm corner filled up with office stools surrounded by
sulphurous flames, that danced around with delight as it were,
and reflected all the colours of the rainbow, replied, " Yonder is
where all liars go ! "
At this point, the " Wicked," who was tremendously
agitated, and down whose cheeks the perspiration was copiously
streaming, arose, and addressing Jim, said, "For God's sake tell
me who that chair was for."
To this Jim calmly replied, "Well, I'm coming to it. I just
asked that question of H.S.M., to which he replied,
" It was for Wicked Joe Prawn of Bismarck."
The effect of this announcement was electrical. Joe left in a
moment. But to the great surprise of all who knew him, Joe
attended church next Sunday, and during the whole service sat
upon the penitent stool. He is no longer the " Wicked," but
a deacon of the church.
105
SIGNS OF THE TIMES, OR HOW WE RAISED A
SHOUT*
Times were anything but prosperous in Dunedin in the winter
of '80. In fact, very hard indeed. Money was so scarce, that
the price of every class of goods had to come down considerably,
and of course beer—that commodity for which there is always
a great demand in every civilized community—had to be
reduced in price as well as everything else, and had to be sold
at threepence a glass at the front bars of some houses, a thing
unknown up to the time of which I write. The first Mr. Public
House to immortalize himself by starting this rackety was old
Godfrey Jacobs, of the " Bull and Mouth," who was by the
youth of the city irreverently designated " God,"—he being the
first to sell cheap beers; the said cheap beers were, naturally
enough, styled after him, and I believe that to the present day
they are known as "gods."
About the important historical period to which I have just
alluded, I was standing one day talking to two respectable
tradesmen of my acquaintance, when one of them put the query
" Who is going to shout 1" Upon this we all plunged our
hands into our pockets, for the purpose of examining the state
of our finances. The result was as follows, viz.:—One had
threepence, another a pennj*, while I, the third, had twopence.
We then tossed up—odd man out—who should be out of the
swim, which most unfortunate event fell to the lot of the owner
* Stand treat.
+ Plan or theory.
io6 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
of the penny. We, the lucky two, having consoled him with a
fill of tobacco, proceeded on our way rejoicing to the nearest
pub where it was possible to obtain " gods," and further¬
more pacified him on our return by refreshing his olfactory
organ with a whiff of our breath.
•¥: •X- "X- *X* -X-
" That's just precisely what heats me," sadly soliloquized the
little lad, as with tearful eye and visage wan, he solemnly con¬
templated the complicated and gaudy filigree which adorned the
surface of the slipper of his maternal parient.
ioy
A HARD CASE.
My friend Tom Dawson, of the Bookitap Courier, and myself,
were sometimes in the habit of imbibing fluids at Currie's Hotel,
when I paid a visit to Bookitap. While we were thus engaged
one Saturday afternoon, I spotted one of the hardest cases that
ever I clapped.* Currie's is a detached building, in front of
which there is a strip of tussuck grass, t On the day in question
it was pouring rain, and all the swaggersj and other guests of the
house were indoors. One of their number, who was on the
wallaby track,§ had had his dinner, and, having paid for his bed,
proceeded to imbibe with the rest. He continued to do so to
an alarming extent until Mrs. Currie very sensibly refused to
supply with any more, and at the same time recommended him-
to retire to rest. With the remark, " I think I will," he stag¬
gered out of the door. At this point the thunder roared loudly,
the lightning flashed brilliantly, and the rain fell in torrents.
He then proceeded to divest himself of all his clothing, and lie
down on the wet tussuck grass, and pull over him by way of
coverlet—really being under the impression that he was getting
into bed—a small piece of corrugated roofing iron, measuring
about four feet and a half by two, or thereabouts. He was a
tall man, and he no sooner pulled his imaginary quilt up to his
chin than he found his feet were uncovered. On this he swore
lustily, and proceeded to push it down again with his feet,—a very
interesting process indeed. But the quilt was no sooner down
than he felt chilly in his upper storey, and so he proceeded
pulling it up again, and so on, swearing the while like a trooper.
We watched the fun for a while, and then persuaded two other
* Came across.
+ Native grass.
J In quest of work.
§ Swagger's track.
io8 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT
swaggers who were there to carry him upstairs and put him to
bed. He remarked to Mrs, Currie next morning, " If I come
across the man as threw the water on my clothes last night I'll
make a mash on him."
I was standing in the bar at " Morgan's " on the following
morning, telling a yarn to some fellows present about a gentle¬
man who had been out dining on one occasion, and on his way
home attempted to light his pipe at a pump. I had just got as
far as the part " where the laugh comes in," when I heard a
voice from the pint bar at the other side, " Why, boss, that was
my brother; did you know him?" Upon this I turned round
and beheld Bimbey, the swagger of yesterday (whose clothes
were still very wet), and replied, "Ho, I had not the pleasure of
being personally acquainted with the gentleman; but I see it all
now,—that accounts for the milk in the cocoanut."
tog
A STRAIGHT TIP.
"When I was manager of the Daily Sun, I was one evening
in the office, when young Farrell, then our collector, came in to
get his accounts previous to starting on his collecting tour for
the following day. He was a very smart, intelligent young
fellow, and I had a great liking for him, and did everything I
could to further his interest on our " luminous " staff. After I
had given him his accounts, and squared up with him, we went
up the street to have a beer together. At parting, when I was
giving him his final instructions, as I would not see him on the
following morning, he said, " I say, Mr. Cheeser, can you give
me a tip for the ' Christchurch ?(alluding to the Christchurch
Cup to he run for* in a few days). I put my arm in his, and
said, " Yes, old hoy, I can give you a very straight tip indeed."
" What's that 1" said he, excitedly.
" Well," said I, " if you take my tip you'll let up\ on that
racket altogether. I can't afford to bet, and I don't see how
you can."
He looked at me angrily without speaking as he turned
away, nor did he shake my hands with his accustomed warmth.
Poor fellow ! He did not take my tip, I am sorry to say ; had
he done so, he would not now he where he is, in Dunedin jail.
* Canterbury, New Zealand.
Cease.
no
DO YOU FEEL YOUR'S SHAKY ?
Me. Waugh, of the late firm of Waugh and Speak, accountants,
&c., in S , was a little hit of a wag in his way. About the
time of the firm being established Mr. W. happened to be in
the train on his way to M , when he encountered a very
talkative fellow passenger, remarkable for little save his verbosity.
After they had exhausted the weather and other kindred sub¬
jects, the T. F. P. related to Mr. W. a yarn about his wife and
himself.
He said, " My wife is a magnificent talker. She was scolding
me one day to such a pitch that I offered an innocent protest
by remarking to her that she was capable of talking a donkey's
hind leg off, and mildly requested her to ' shut up.' To this
she replied promptly, ' How do you know that 1 Do you feel
your's shahy ?' "
"Ha ! ha !—very good," said Mr. W.
A little later the T. F. P. again broke silence, and remarked,
" There's a new firm of accountants started in S (the town
they had just quitted), Waugh and Speak. I know Speak,"
continued he, " but I am not acquainted with Waugh."
The latter (for he it was) replied, " Oh ! I know them both;
they ought to do well together, for Speak is a devil to ' write,'
and Waugh is a devil to 'speak.' "
And thinking it opportune now to introduce himself, he
added, " He can talk a donkey's head off. Don't you feel
your's shaky 1"
ill
SHAKE THE BOTTLE.
In the Australasian colonies the word " shake " has two signifi¬
cations, viz., the ordinary acceptation of the term it has here in
England, and another, which is a polite slang term for taking
possession of, or appropriating to your own uses in a genteel
sort of way that which is the property of some other gentleman.
At the Ohristchurch Police Court one morning in November of
'81, a tramp named Michael McGuire was charged with petty
larceny. The prisoner pleaded not guilty. The charge which
was set forth was to the effect that he had feloniously purloined
from a basket standing outside the door of a drug store owned
and occupied by one Jeremiah Pillem, three dozen glass bottles -
valued at two shillings and sixpence. Mike pleaded not guilty.
Police Constable Catchem was then called, and deposed that he
had been watching prisoner from the other side of the street,
and that he saw him remove the bottles from the basket and
then run down towards Thames Street. He (Constable Catchem)
then crossed the street and informed Mr. Pillem of what had
taken place, and the pair proceeded together down Oxford Street
in the direction taken by the prisoner, whom they caught in
the act of selling the bottles to Mr. Eags, a dealer in marine
stores, at the corner of Oxford and Thames Streets. Mr. Pillem
then confronted the prisoner, who tried to escape, but he
(Constable Catchem) took him into custody. Mr. Pillem
corroborated the evidence of Constable Catchem, and Mr. Eags,
on being called, gave evidence as to his having purchased the
bottles from the prisoner. At this point the Bench addressed
the prisoner as follows : " Do you still deny having taken those
bottles 1"
Prisoner : " Sure, yer honour, and I nivir did deny that I
took them."
H2 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
Bench : " Did you not plead not guilty ? "
Prisoner: "Yes, yer honour."
Bench: " And yet you own that you took them ?"
Prisoner: " Yes, yer honour."
Bench : " I suppose you own you sold them to Bags 1"
Prisoner : "Yes, yer honour."
Bench: "And yet you maintain that you are not guilty of
the charge of theft 1"
Prisoner:. "Yes, yer honour."
Bench : " Well, I should just like you to tell us on what
grounds you claim to he innocent after owning to having taken
and sold the bottles; then, if you can convince me of your
innocence, you shall most certainly he discharged."
Prisoner : " Sure, yer honour, I did take them; and, when
onst I had taken them, they were moines; an' thin I had a
perfict right to sell them. I was comin' along, yer honour,
feeling very hungry and thirsty, and I seed the bottles, and was
just beginning to think how much they would fetch at old
Rags's, when I noticed aitch of thim had a small piece of
paper stuck on in front, on which was printed, shake the bottle.
I then thinks, your honour, surely the Lord has put it into the
heart of the good man who keeps this store to put thim bottles
out here for some poor chap like myself to make a rise on; for
there were the words staring me in the face, yer honour, ' shake
the bottle,' and this bein' on iviry one of thim, I shook thim all,
having been tould to do so, and bein' in want of something to
ate. And sure, yer honour, I was rale sorry that I was not
tould to shake the baskit too, fur the baskit was worth far more
than the bottles."
Bench: "That's hardly good enough, prisoner; you'll have to
' go up ' for thirty days."
IJ3
AS THINGS STOOD THEN.
In Brumigem,* some years ago, there resided a young Quaker
tradesman named Thomas Bright. He was a very good pious
youth. Three times every Sunday lie used to go to the
Meeting House, and was a model teacher in the Sunday Schoo
as well. Throughout the week, it was his wont to hold prayer
meetings in his own house,—he was such a good young man.
He used to wear black clothes, and cultivate a face as long as a
fiddle, under which was mounted a tie of the purest white,
symbolical of the purity of his heart. Never was the
slightest approach to a smile seen to flicker on liis countenance,
and if any one disturbed the serenity of his peaceful mind by
whistling on the Sabbath, the shock was so great to his nerves,
that he had to have recourse to stimulants—a practice to which
he was otherwise naturally very much averse. On one occasion
he attended an " auction sale," and, when the auctioneer
announced the fact that there would he a short interval of ten
minutes, Thomas seized the opportunity "to improve each
shining hour " and remarked, " Then, dearly beloved brethren,
during those ten minutes, let us lift up our voices in prayer."
The auctioneer was a man of a nasty, wicked, rude turn of
mind, and said something very coarse, which I should not like
to repeat. Thomas was so affected by his profanity that he had
to adjourn to a nasty wicked public house and partake of some
horrid whiskey to sooth his wounded feelings.
* North of England.
U4
THE VAGARIES 01 A VAGRANT.
Some time afterwards, to tlie great astonishment of his
friends, and especially the membo s of the Church, a report
got wind that Thomas, who was a married man, had been too
intimate with his servant girl, so much so, that she could not
conceal the fact of a distended protuberance, and was getting
too robust for her garments.
A meeting of the Church was convened in consequence, to
consider the case, and it was at once decided that a deputation
should wait upon him, and demand an explanation of his
conduct.
The deputation was then and there appointed, which consisted
of some of the most prominent members of the Church. Ac¬
cordingly the following clay they called upon, and informed
Thomas that he must either prove an alibi, or make an humble
confession of his guilt. To this Thomas quietly remarked,
" Friends, as things stood then, I really could not help it; as
things stand now, I'm very sorry for it."
US
HE-AW! HE-AW!
Major the Right Honourable Arthur St. John Bannersley,
of the S. C. R.,* is a " deuced nice fellah you know," and is very
popular, not only in his corps, but among all who know him.
His only failing is, that in public speaking he is not an adept,
on the contrary, he is very much addicted to such superfluous
forms of speech as, " ha "—" ha "—" aw "—" and so 011"—" all
that sort of thing," &c.
He wears a huge moustache, sports a single eye-glass, and has
a very dashing military appearance and deportment.
On one occasion, we were having a dinner at Rugaru, and the
Major rose to make a speech. He had disturbed Lieutenant
Cordial, the previous speaker, by continually ejaculating
" He-aw, he-aw!" There was a man at the other end of the
room who could take off the Major beautifully; and, before the
Major had got out a sentence, the man referred to, ejaculated,
"He-aw, he-aw; he-aw, he-aw."
This caused considerable amusement to the audience, but intense
indignation to the Major. After it had been repeated two or three
times, theMajor, on whose countenance signs of rising wrath could
be plainly depicted, paused in his speec hand asked with lofty
dignity, " Who is the fellah who said he-aw, he-aw V'
Receiving no reply, he proceeded; and, on again being inter¬
rupted, he again put the query, u Who is the fellah who said
he-aw, he-aw ?"
* Colonial Artillery Volunteer Corps.
i 2
ii6 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
Ho reply being forthcoming, he again proceeded with his
oration; hut was, however, again interrupted as before. He
paused an instant, drew himself up to his full stature, poised
his glass in his eye, and in tones of immeasurable indignation,
queried fiercely, " Who is the bourger who said he-aw, lie-aw 1
I should like to see the bourger who said he-aw, he-aw. I
should like to interview that bourger in the back yard."
Still no reply. He again proceeded to spout, but was again
assailed with same interruption. He again put the question in
assumed wrath—he being now in reality taking it in good part
" Who is the bourger who said he-aw, he-aw 1"
This time the culprit arose and said, " I, Majaw, I am the
bourger who said he-aw, he-aw."
The Major then queried, "Am I to understand that you aro
the bourger who said he-aw, he-aw 1"
"Yes, Majaw," replied he, "I am the bourger who said
he-aw, he-aw 1"
To which the Major replied, " Then you can go to h—1 you
bourger ! " and this closed the Major's oration,
H7
EXPERIENCES OF A COLONIAL ADVERTISING
AGENT.
No. 1.
Some years ago I was canvassing and collecting for tlie up-
country newspapers in Dunedin, and while there, I met with
some very rum customers—some very had ones.
Among others was a prominent brick and tile manufacturer,
by name Mr. Rickemout.
This gentleman had a rooted antipathy to advertising agents,
insurance agents, and professional collectors of every description.
Not an advertising agent in the city, previous to the time of
which lam writing, had succeded in touching* even the fringe
of his garment to the extent of ten bob for a quarterly inch.
There were all kinds of reports abroad of " man traps," " spring
guns," " fierce dogs," " infernal machines," &c., all planted for
men of my profession. I knew, therefore, in embarking on the
project I had formed, that I was treading on dangerous ground,
and, moreover, about to attempt that which some of the boldest,
most brazenfaced canvassers the world ever produced, had not
only failed in utterly, but had counted themselves lucky in
escaping with their lives. But notwithstanding this I helped
myself to a tumbler of " Bob Boy" at Kirk's, and after having
filled my pockets at the free lunch basket, went out quickly,
and braced myself up for this most awful adventure.
With quick and steady steps lest my resolute determina¬
tion should fail me, I approached the brick and tile works, and
tapped at the office door with a smart double knock at which,
there could not possibly be any denial.
A stentorian voice bid me enter, upon which my courage
almost failed me, but bracing myself up with a strong effort,
I opened the door and confronted the office boy. I looked
around to see if there was anyone lying in ambush ready to
spring upon me, but feeling assured there was no one there
but the lad, I spoke out boldy and demanded to know " if the
* Successful negotiation.
118 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
boss was in." The lad told me to state my business, upon
which a happy thought struck me. I would make use of
strategy to acccomplish my purpose, and acted upon it accord¬
ingly. I replied " I have not a card with me (for a very
good reason, I had none at home), but you can tell Mr. Kick-
emout that Mr. Cheeser, a solicitor, desires to interview him on
very important business." The lad departed, and, on his return,
informed, me that Mr. Kickemout regretted his'inability to see me
that day, but that if I would state what time I would call on
the following day, he would be prepared to receive me. I
told him I Avoulcl call at eleven, and retired. On the following
day, having made my free lunch tour a little earlier than usual,
and having, with the cheek of a cash customer, partaken of
anything but a slight potation of liquid condiment at Kirk's, I
once more pulled up my socks and braced up myself again for
the effort. On entering the office the lad bid me "to come this
way," and politely conducted me up two flights of stairs,
through a labyrinth of passages to the sanctum sanctorum. I
fervently wished that I could have transacted my business
nearer the outer door, or have been furnished with a plan of
the building, to facilitate retreat if that should be necessary;
but had I 'stated my feelings on that subject, it would have
been a dead give away. At last I stood face to face with the
awful proprietor.
Three feet five in his boots ; assuredly he looked uncanny.
" Well, sir, what can I do for you 1" he enquired in a snappish
voice.
I then began in the following strain:—
"I am collecting advertisements for the Boolcitap Courier,
and, having just enlarged that old and popular " " Stop !"
interrupted Mr. Kickemout, " there is a pokestake here," and
then he rushed to ring the bell. "No mistake, I assure you,"
replied I, and would have said more, but he silenced me with
one withering glance.
Two minutes of awful suspense passed, which seemed to me
EXPERIENCES OF AN ADVERTISING AGENT. 119
an age, during which all the events of my past life floated before
me in rapid succession. If I could have got out a few good lies,
or interested him a bit, it might have pacified him, I thought.
But, no ; the little monster was not like the rest of mankind. I
began to look out of the window, and calculate the result of a
fall from there to the ground.
Escape was impossible, as could I get past him and open the
door I could never thread my way unattended through the
labyrinth of passages leading to the entrance. I had got as
far as "in pastures green he leadetli me,"—the only prayer I
could summon to my aid—when the lad entered.
" Is this the party who called yesterday, and announced him¬
self as Mr. Cheeser, a solicitor?" demanded K., in a voice of
thunder.
" Yes, sir," replied the astonished kid.
" Then I'd like to know what the h—1 you mean anyway?"
said he to me.
" I am a solicitor, Mr. K., though perhaps not in the sense
which you have understood, for I have come to solicit an ad.
for the Bookitap Courier,—a journal daily rising into import¬
ance—a journal which circulates through the entire county of
Waikouaiti—a -journal which, if properly supported, will even¬
tually take the lead of all the Dunedin rags, and crush them out
of existence. In fact, Mr. K., to give you an adequate idea of
the vast superiority of this paper, I will tell you (but, lowering
my voice, this in confidence) the result of the coming elections,
a shag-point* will entirely depend upon the opinions expressed in
the Bookitap Courier; as the enlightened miners of that city
regulate their votes entirely by the advice they find therein."
I made an attempt to say more, but I was quite exhausted. I
looked up at K., and observed a smile flickering round the
corners of his mouth. He then winked at me, and gave me a
dig in the ribs, and said, " Oh ! you are a deep one. You're one
of the smartest chaps I have seen for a long time, danged if you
* Mining village, population 60.
t2o THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
a'int." He then looked at me for a few minutes, and said,
" Trot out your book, sonny; oh, you'll do till the doctor sees
you. I'm just going to give you an order for your smartness,
you know ; not that I care a cuss about your old buster.'"* I
accordingly brought out my book, and, having made out an order
for a column for two years at double charge, handed it to K.,
and he signed it without looking to see what it was. I then
invited him to come up as far as Kirk's and have a drink. He
accepted my invitation, and we had brandies and sodas, and
cigars, at my expense. I could afford to be liberal. Commission
was good in those days.
We then parted, shaking hands warmly, he inviting me to
come down and have a chat with him when I had nothing else
to do.
He remarked that he should like very much to cultivate
the acquaintance of such a smart young man as myself. I felt
greatly flattered, and very proud of my exploit, and walked up
the streets in such a dashing style that the Freedom wanted to
know if " Cheeser" had got a big remittance from the old
country, or what it was anyway that caused him to put on
so much side while coming up George Street last Monday
forenoon.
It was very annoying after all this, and after the congratu¬
lations I had received from my brother agents, to see an
announcement in the papers about a week afterwards concerning
the bankruptcy of John Kickemout, brick and tile manufac¬
turer (liabilities £10,000; assets nil), and to receive a letter
from the financial boss of the B. C. telling me " that if I had
not been a clamf and a galoot,J I would have known a month
ago that he was going to bust; and what made it still more
annoying was, that on the strength of the commission, I had
saved nothing for the office rent.
* Provincial paper.
+ Soft fool, taken from name of shell fish.
J Egregious ass.
121
COLORADO.
With apologies to the Ghost of Edgar Allan Poe.
[This was written at the time of the scare caused in England by
a report that the Colorado beetle had arrived there.]
In blue bedight,
A bobby wight,
In moonshine and in shadaw,
Shambled along
Singing a song,
In search of the Colorado.
But he grew cold,
This bobby bold,
And wasted to a shadow.
Says he, " if I don't find him soon,
I'll go home to my dad, oh!"
And as he shambled and shambled along,
He met a country lad, oh ;
" Oh, lad," said he, " where can't be
That dwells the Colorado ?"
" Over the broad Atlantic sea,
You must take the Allan line, oh;
And you must sail for many a day,
If you seek the Colorado."
122
MY FAMOUS CAT-LIE.—A NOCTURNAL CATAS¬
TROPHE.
Awake ! awake ! ye echoes of the night; awake, ye oavI !
Arvake ! aAA'ake ! ye cats and dogs Avith dismal IioavI !
And make the night as hideous as ye can,
Nor let sweet sleep enshroud the homes of man.
A square in London, thus deprived of sleep,
An awful vengeance, too, o'er this you'll Aveep.
The central house Avas occupied by one Avho sat
All day indoors, his only thought Avas cat.
Cat in name and cat in nature, there is he
N'er without a dozen on each knee.
He sat surrounded by at least a score;
I'm told they all day slept, and all night SAVore.
The neighbours laughed at first, thought 'tAvas a joke,
And threAV a brickbat at them Avhen awoke.
At last the joke greAV stale ; I tell you this
They increased by tAvelve a day Avitlx them, cat's bliss.
One night, AAdien IioavIs Avere rife in poor cat's boAver,
For each successive IioavI, there came a shoAver
Of chairs, pomatum pots, and bricks and tables,
And books, from Bible down to Hisop's fables.
And when a rat appeared among the hapless creAV,
The scene I can't imagine,—pray can you 1
And this went on for hours and hours on end,
Till sunlight's rays once more to earth did tend.
MY FAMOUS CAT-LIE.
An then, oh horrible, most horrible it was ;
Go forward, please, and then you'll see the cause.
Ten thousand feet above the level of the sea,
Most wonderful, I'm sure, what can'th' construction be ?
Boots, tables, bricks, and lobby mats,
And then, oh then, ten thousand mangled cats.
And then, oh then, poor cat himself lay dead,
'Heath him the poor rat minus tail and head.
I will here remark that he was likewise dead.
124
A MEETING OE THE PITTINWELL TOWN COUNCIL.
Though I stated in a previous article that Pittinwell was but
a small village, it is none the less a royal borough, and a rotten
one too at that. When I say it is a rotten borough, I do not
refer to the fish that is allowed to rot and stink and decay on its
streets and numerous middens,—-into which latter there is a danger
of your stepping if you are crossing on a dark night from one
side of the street to the other. It is rotten in that sense too, of
course; but what I mean is that it is a rotten borough. It is
of course unnecessary for me to explain what that is; nor have I
sat down with any such intention; but merely to give an account
of a meeting of the Town Council which was held there a few
years ago, and which, from all I hear, may still be taken as a
specimen of the average Town Council meetings held there. My
object it writing it, and making it known, is to let the public see
what nice gentlemanly fellows, and what a highly gifted and
intellectual class of men they are. And I have also the idea
that some other councils, corporations, and boards will recognise
the style and class of men that rules their own deliberations and
accept it as a model of that class of individuals.
Pittinwell Town Council.
The monthly meeting of the Town Council took place last
night. Provost Bosh was in the chair, and the other gentlemen
present were Baillies Genderson and Onehorsetown, Councillors
Elimsey, Bungler, Shovehapenny and Yatson.
Councillor Vatson moved that an order should be given for
the removal of certain vans belonging to a travelling circus from
the front of his (Councillor Yatson's) shop to the other side of the
street. (I must here remark that this would have placed them
in front of Provost Bosh's shop.)
Provost Bosh : "You're an impudent puppy, sir." (Cries of
order.)
Councillor Vatson: " Well, if I'm a puppy, you're a bauff,*
and I'd rather be a puppy than a bauff any day."
* Snarling cur.
THE PITT IN WEL L TOWN COUNCIL. 125
Provost Bost: " Shut up !" (Renewed cries of order.)
Councillor Vatson: " Screw down !"
Baillie Genderson : " ISToo, Muster Yatson, have you no respec
for the Provost? You should no forget the fac, that you were
aince his shop-hoy."
Provost Bosh: "Baillie Genderson is a perfect gentleman."
Councillor Vatson : " And you're a perfect liar."
The provost got so excited at this point that he had to he
held in the chair, after which his feelings subsided, he having
been soothed and consoled by a pull at a bottle which Baillie
Genderson invariably carried about with him. The subject then
dropped, and Councillor Flimsey moved and Councillor Shove-
hapenny seconded, "that the minutes of the last meeting be
read over." hfo amendment being proposed, the motion was
unanimously carried. The minutes were then read. They ran
as follows :—
"Proposed by Councillor Yatson, 'That as Baillie Genderson
was drunk, he should be ejected from the meeting.'
"Amendment proposed by Provost Bosh and seconded by
Baillie Onehorsetown, 'That Councillor Yatson should at once
apologise to Baillie Genderson, and the whole Council, or be
himself forcibly ejected from the meeting.'
"The amendment was unanimously carried, and Councillor
Yatson was thrown out of the window."
After the minutes had been read and confirmed, Councillor
Vatson again moved, " That an order should be given for the
removal of the vans from the front of his premises."
Provost Bosli proposed an amendment, viz., " That they be
allowed to remain where they were."
Baillies Genderson and Onehorsetown seconded the amend¬
ment, which was declared carried.
Councillor Yatson, who was chewing, then spat in Provost
Bosh's eye, and they closed together and rolled over on the floor.
The meeting then broke up amidst great confusion.
126
THE MAJOR AGAIN.
Previous to starting for the late Maori War, the S. C. R. were
two nights in Wellington Barracks, where clothing and ammu¬
nition were being served out. The night we landed there the
major, and a number of others, were boozing in a pub.
A man of the name of Fouracres, well known to several men
in the corps, and likewise to constabulary officers present, started
running down soldiers; more with the idea of showing his
smartness than anything else. The major, who is a tall, power¬
ful, fine looking man, poised his glass in his eye, the while
stroking his great moustache. He then queried Mr. Fouracres,
"I believe your name is 'FouracahP" To which F. replied,
"Yes, majaw, my name is Fouracah." The major gave him
another look, and said, "Then, you bourger, if you don't dry
up, I'll pull your nose into five-acah."
127
ME. BUTLEE'S NOSE.
There has resided in Bookitap, ever since there was such a
place, a retired waiter of the name of Butler, who was formerly
in England in the service of Lord Burgundy. He is a sort of
a commission agent on a pinch, and he also keeps hoarders, or
rather he used to keep hoarders; hut he looked after his
hoarders' whiskey and ale so much better than he looked after
their comfort, that I'm told they've all left him now. It is
commonly reported in Bookitap that his fondness for his lord¬
ship's burgundy was the reason of leaving his service, though I
would not vouch for that. It is likewise reported that he had
a great weakness for plate, especially silver spoons; hut these
are matters I am not prepared to go into, nor have I sat down
at the present time with the object of dilating upon them.
What I have sat down to write about is the gentleman's nose,
and though I am by no means clear as to whether his fondness
for his lordship's wine or his lordship's plate had aught to do
with his leaving his lordship's service—these being but rumours
—I am pretty sure of one thing, viz., that his fondness for his
lordship's wine, and his boarders' whiskey and ale, had some¬
thing to do with imparting the high colour and numerous
pimples to his olfactory proboscis. Assuredly it is a wonderful
nose] sometimes blue and sometimes red, according to the
nature, quality, and quantity of the fluids he has been im¬
bibing.
If he is coming along on a dark night you can see his nose a
mile off, looking for all the world like a Will-o'-the-wisp. His
128
7HE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT:
wife told me one day it was a great saving to her in lucifer
matches, as when John was at home, she never required to use
these articles. At the time when the Union Company's ss.
Tararua went on the rocks at the Bluff,* it was proposed to
station John there; and it would have been done, too, hut, 011
making calculations, the cost of keeping him in whiskey for a
year was found to he sufficient to build three lighthouses, and
that was the only reason the idea was abandoned.
John was boozing in the "Empire" one night, and, as usual,
on getting pretty full, began to get very insulting. He had
offended one man very much, when the man all of a sudden
turned round on him, and, holding his finger and thumb in a
threatening attitude towards John's nasal organ, he said, "Look
here, blast you! if you don't dry up, I'll take and wring a gill
of Avhiskey out of your nose ! "
John was so deeply offended at this that he refused to he
comforted. Mr. Public House, who is a humane man, even
offered to regale him with some boot; hut John did not wait,
and, casting a look of gratitude at P. H., he went home.
* Rocky point, South Coast, New Zealand
129
HORRIBLE AND GHASTLY MURDER IN THE
SHAG VALLEY.#
Reports were rife one morning in April, '80, in Bookitap anil
surrounding districts of a fearful crime which had heen com¬
mitted in the Shag Yalley, As the proprietor of the B. C.
had gone to a funeral, and the manager and myself were on
the spree, we did not publish " extras " on the subject, so that
there was a feeling of great suspense in the city, and the im¬
patience of the citizens for reliable intelligence knew no bounds,
as the reports which floated about were very vague. Subse¬
quently, about eleven, the "Dunedin dailies" arrived. The
Chicago Daily Times had it as follows :—
" Horrible and Ghastly Murder in the Shag Yalley.
"About four o'clock this morning one of the most dreadful
crimes ever committed in a civilised community was perpetrated
in the Shag Yalley by a drunken Irishman, who owns a small
freehold at a place known as ' Waikitaru.' The name of the
murderer is O'Hangimsoon, and it appears that he had heen
drinking heavily at a public house in Bookitap last night. He
got a lift home from a friend, and arrived at his homestead a
little before four this morning. He no sooner alighted from his
friend's trap than he seized an axe, and, breaking open the
door of his house, he entered and brained his wife and fourteen
children, and the servant girl, all of whom were quietly sleeping
in bed. He then proceeded to set fire to the house and hay¬
stacks. The house, and offices, and hay-stacks, were soon in a
mass of flames, and the tussack grass catching alight, the fire
soon spread to the neighbouring farms, fifty of which were
burned to the ground, and in twelve cases the inmates perished.
* Otago, New Zealand.
K
130 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
The murderer, who drank the blood of his victims, is still on
the war path, axe in hand, and is slaying every one who crosses
his path. The Bookitap police, consisting of Constable Smith,
are on the ground. Up to the latest accounts, O'Hangimsoon
is still at large, and every hour adds fresh victims to his axe.
The police are doing their utmost."
The Morning News had it as follows :—■
"Wholesale Slaughter, Fire, Blood, and Smoke.
"About four this morning a party of drunken Irishmen, led
by one Patrick O'Hangimsoon, who had been drinking heavily
in a public house in Bookitap, arrived at the house of the latter.
Patrick broke open the door of his own house with an axe, and
brained his wife, sister-indaw, twenty-eight children, and
three servant girls. His companions then entered, and they
all had a drink of the blood. After this they proceeded to set
fire to the homestead, which was soon burned to the ground.
The fire is rapidly spreading to the neighbouring farms, and it
is expected that this fertile plain will soon be rendered a
howling wilderness. The Irishmen are slaughtering every one
they come in contact with, and the shrieks of the -wounded and
dying are most appalling. The Bookitap police, consisting of
Constable Smith, arrived promptly on the scene, but as yet
they have succeeded in making no arrests, but it is alleged they
have obtained a clue."
The Evening Sun arrived upon the scene at six, and business
at all the bookstalls was booming, you bet. The heading of
this account, which will be quite sufficient to write here, was as
follows :—
" War, Pestilence, Famine and Fire.
The Battle of Waikitaru.
The Irish receiving Reinforcements.
Bombardment of Bushy.
Total Annihilation of the Bookitap Police and Loss of
the Clue.
HORRIBLE MURDER IN THE SHAG VALLEY. 131
The Irish Advancing on Bookitap.
Blight of the Citizens.
The Shag River Blowing with Blood.
Bookitap in Blames."
Next morning being Briday the Bookitap Courier made its
appearance, to the great surprise of the Dunedinites, who had
been told that not only onr office, hut the whole city was
burned to the ground—and did not it sell?—you bet. It had as
follows
" Bull and True Account of the Dire Calamity which happened
yesterday in the Shag Valley.
"An Irishman named Patrick O'Hanison, who had been
boozing here in a pub on Wednesday night, arrived at his home¬
stead, which is known as Waikataru, at four yesterday morning,
and, on entering the house, found the cat in his bed. Being-
very drunk, he took it for his son, and asked him what the
h he was doing there. Receiving no reply, he took a
broom and started to belabour puss. Puss did not like this,
however, so he went for Pat tooth and nail, and gave him
particular h . Pat then perceived who his assailant was,
and taking up an axe chopped pussy into three parts. His wife,
on seeing the blood, ran from the house, shouting " Murder !
fire ! police !" which alarmed the neighbours, and thus gave
rise to the extraordinary reports which were published in the
Dunedin papers. Constable Smith, of this city, on hearing
the report that a murder had been committed in Waikataru,
proceeded there, and shortly after he started for the scene a
woman came into town and swore that he (Constable Smith)
was among the slain. But it is all rot, he is here now in our
office, smoking our pipe, drinking our beer, and spitting on the
stove, and if he don't cheese that last-named racket pretty
darn quicir, he'll have to 'git,'* though he is a slop."f
* Leave. t'Policeman.
K '.1
132
AS BUG AS A BKUCK.
I was at a tenants' dinner once, in tire south, of Scotland, and
though I had often heard of the enormous quantity of food
that the worthy clodhoppers of these parts could get to the
outside of, I had no idea, until I saw for myself, what was its
full meaning. I was once asked by a laird* there to he present
at one of those entertainments, and as I had often wished to
witness the wonderful gastronomical feats reported to he seen
thereat, I accepted the invitation with pleasure. Well, there
were certainly some terrible gourmandisers present on that
occasion ; but one, Muster Broon, of Auld Midden, took the
palm. Just as he had finished his twenty-seventh helping of
boiled beef, the laird was called out to see somebody, and
accordingly requested me to carve until he returned, an
honour I had never before had conferred upon me. I con¬
sented, however, knowing that the guests would not be very
particular, and proceeded to cut up the meat in large square
blocks. It then struck me that it would be a good idea to
speert at Muster Broon "if he wTid tak' some mair?" just to
put his eating capacity to the test—though the possibility of
his taking any more never crossed my mind for a moment. The
gentleman referred to was at this point twirling his plate round
and round at a marvellous speed, and catching up the gravy
with the point of his knife, the while wearing a look upon his
face which I afterwards concluded to be one of expectancy. I
accordingly speered at him, " Muster Broon, wull ye tak' a little
mair, just a rvee bittie, noo ?" Upon this he carefully poised
the plate in his hand, took a good aim, and chucked it from
where he stood, the other end of the table. Upon seeing it
land safely beside me, he ejaculated, in a complacent tone of
voice, "Jist a small but, noo, Muster Cheeser, jist about as bug
as a bruck." He's living still.
* Landlord or squire.
+ Enquire of.
133
EXPERIENCES OF A COLONIAL ADVERTISING
AGENT.
No. 2.
Among other tradesmen whom I was particular to touch for the
Bruce Buster, was a Mr. Podge, a tailor, a very fat man, and
well known to he an abominable glutton.
I had been told by some of my fellow agents that it was no
good trying, hut on the principal of the Chinkies,* who find gold
in places deserted and pronounced worthless by their European
brethren, I got orders from men whom my .brethren of the empty
satchel had all failed to touch. Accordingly, after finishing my
free lunch tour one morning, I came down on the enemy. It
was no good though; I extolled the virtues of the B. B. in
vain. I then proceeded to take council with the chap who was
running the Rcimaru Prevaricator in town. But he could
give me no advice, and offered to bet me x—sf that I could not
touch.
I only wish I had taken him up. I at length decided to
let him rip % for a day or two, until a favourable opportunity
offered itself. And I had not long to wait. In passing the
shop one day my nasal organ came in contact with a savoury
odour of boiled mutton, suet pudding, and turnips, and knowing
his weakness, it struck me that this was a good time to call. I
accordingly entered and rapped on the counter. The boss
appeared, looking very snappish. "What do you want?" said
he, "coming at this time; did I not tell you that I would not
* Chinamen.
+ Florin.
X Stand ever.
134 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
advertise in that paper?" With that he gave a fond look at his
dinner through the glass door, which led into the private sitting-
room of the family. I replied, " I neglected to tell you when I
last called a very important fact, which if I had told you I
don't think
Mrs. P. (from the inside) : " Are you coming, or are you
going to let your dinner get cold?"
Mr. P. (to me): "Now, young man, will you go away? I
want to get my dinner, and I can't leave you here."
Cheeser: " But, my dear sir, it's only in justice to yourself
that I should lay these facts before you."
Mr. P. (taking a look through the glass door, and seeing little
lad appropriating the last piece of suet to his own uses) : "Will
ye get out?" (rushing for the glass door). "Hi! Johnnie, put
that hack! Now, sir, I don't want you here. I'll send for the
police and have you removed from my premises if you don't git."
G.: " But, my dear sir, as I said before, it would not he fair
in me to leave you without telling you."
Mr. P. (in the excitement of despair, glancing through the
door): "Maggie, will you leave that alone? Jane, pit that on
my plate." [Enter customer.
Mr. P. (addressing customer in a surly tone): " Well, what
do you want?"
Customer : " Oh! if you can't be more civil than that I'll go
elsewhere." [Exit customer.
Mr. P. (to me in despair, taking a longing look at dinner.
Little lad once more attempting to appropriate the aforesaid
tempting piece of suet): " Well, now what would you like?"
C. (triumphantly): " Merely that you will put your name
to this order; it's a column for the year." And, with a look of
resignation upon his countenance, which was perspiring pro¬
fusely, he lifted a pen from the counter, and with a trembling
hand signed his name to the order. And did not I blow ?—you
bet.
THE ARTIST'S REVENGE, OR AS HE APPEARED
BEFORE HE DIED.
Not many years ago there resided in Dunedin a certain hair¬
dresser of the name of Jones. He was of great intelligence,
honesty, and integrity, and he was also possessed of a very kind
heart,—a rare excellence in Dunedin. There was also a wealthy
publican living opposite to him, of the name of O'Hogg, whose
character in every respect was the very reverse of Jones's. He
was an ignorant boor, a conceited pig, the essence of vulgarity
and meanness, and, in fact, might well be said to he a hog in
name and a hog in nature. Mr. O'Hogg, in his younger days, had
had black hair, but at the time we write of it had turned grey.
About this time a young artist of great talent, hut small means,
arrived from the old country. He happened to drop across
Jones, and Jones being a man of good taste, at once perceived
on seeing the young fellow's drawings that he could make a
good living by them, were he only to get a start. So he fitted
him out, paid his travelling expenses, and sent him all over the
country taking portraits, on condition that he (Jones) was to
receive a share of the profits. He also took portraits in Dunedin,
and, among others, an excellent one of O'Hogg, for which he
was to charge £25. But, strange to say, O'Hogg in the mean¬
time took it into his head to have his beard dyed, and when the
young man went to deliver the portrait, O'Hogg refused to accept
it or to pay for it, on the grounds that his beard was the wrong
colour. Mr. Jones, on hearing this, took possession of the
picture, telling the young man that his labour should not go
136 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
unrequited. He placed it in a very conspicuous position in his
window, with the accompanying inscription in large letters :—
£< The Artist's Kevenge,
or As He Appeared
before He Died."
A few days afterwards, a "brewer, who was an intimate friend
of O'Hogg's, called upon Jones and asked him how much he
wanted for the portrait. Jones at first refused to part with it at
any price, but subsequently consented to sell it for a considera¬
tion of £250.
137
SHANDIGAFF.
Beer and ginger beer, or sometimes beer and lemonade, makes a
very pleasant refreshing drink in warm weather, and is com¬
monly known throughout the British Empire by the above
cognomen. What the origin is, or from Avhence the derivation
of the term, I cannot say. In my younger days it used to be a
favourite drink of mine. One very sultry day when I was in
Strath-Bogie, East Aberdeenshire, on a walking tour, I happened
to pass through the picturesque little village called Rhynie.
Being thirsty, I entered an inn, kept by an old lady surnamed
Macpherson. I sat down in a nice cool room, and, on the dame
entering, I requested to be supplied with Shandigaff. She left
the room, and came back in about five minutes with the intelli¬
gence, "Am varra sorry, sir, but we hinna gotten onay, bit 'ave
sent o'or Jock o'er to M'Candom's to see if they've gotten onay
there, as a dinna like to dissapint folks when they come to
ma hoose."
THE LOYE FEAST IN AMERICA.
Having frequently heard of these entertainments I was very
anxious to be present at one, and being in Springfield, Mass.,
hearing that one was to be held there, I contrived to obtain
admission. The women all sat on one side of the room, and the
men on the other, separated only by a platform on which several
idiots of both sexes got up and spoke bosh. One of the most
prominent lunatics already mentioned was a German American
(brother Dennis Keifer), and in the course of his oration he
remarked, " Man was created in the image of his Creator :
woman also, with a slight variation." At this point one gentle¬
man ejaculated fervently, " Thank God for the variation and
another, "Amen, brother, amen."
138
SIGNS OF THE TIMES IN CANADA.
Times are never very good in Canada in winter, whatever
Government agents and steamship agents may like to say to the
contrary. Far he it from me to run down the country, which in
spring and summer is an excellent one. But in winter it is vile,
I must say 3 the most miserable hole I ever put my foot into,
and I may just remark, I've put it into a good many.
The incident I am about to relate cannot fail, I'm sure, to
convey to anyone who takes the trouble to read it, an adequate
idea of how hard things were there last winter.
A young man, named Philip Soucy, residing at River de la
Loupe, was charged with having murdered a young woman. The
public opinion on the subject was that he was guilty, and that
he would certainly be convicted, and hanged. About a week
before the conclusion of the trial, about fifty applications were
made for the job of giving him a " drop" 3 among others his own
brother-in-law. The fifty applicants were all men residing in
the place. In addition to these, two telegrams were received,
one from a man in New York, and another from a man in
Boston, stating their willingness to undertake the job,—the former
for a consideration of sixty dollars, the latter for fifty dollars. The
last named applicants were informed, " that there was plenty of
of local talent to be had at a much lower figure should it be
required, but as yet the authorities were not aware whether it
would be." The man was eventually acquitted, and at the present
day does not show the slightest sign of having ever been affected
by the symptoms of the hempen fever.*
* Execution by hanging.
139
A BOGUS INSPECTOR.
When I landed in Canalchester for the first time I did not know
a single soul, and, strange to say, something about my personal
appearance led various publicans to believe that I was one of the
city inspectors.
I went into one house in the London Road, and requested to
be shown the premises at the rear. " Have you come to inspect,
sir 1 this way please," said a trim, neat little woman. I com¬
plied. On returning, " John, I said, you make a pokestake."
The rear was everything that could reasonably be desired, and.
so was the beer.
Next evening I entered another hotel, and on a close inspec¬
tion of the "War Office,"* found that previous customers had
left their change on the counter. This jarred upon my refined
sensibilities and keen notions of propriety much, and remember¬
ing the incident of the night before, notwithstanding the pain
that I was enduring, I thought I would have some fun.
It struck me forcibly, that if one public house should take me
for an inspector, there was no reason why this one should not.
I accordingly addressed myself to the boss.
" Now, Mr. Blank, I must certainly report you for having
your closet in such a filthy condition. It's simply disgraceful."
"Well, sir," he said, "it's quite a mistake; we've got a new
servant here, and she's a regular ' swep.' I won't keep her in
the house another hour, sir, indeed I will not. It's a thing that
never happened here before, sir."
I could not gainsay the fact, and accordingly relented on being
treated to a glass of the best hock and the choicest cigar in the
house.
* W.C.
140
"I'D RUN" THE BOURGER IN."
Inspector Finnesy of the Jimpool police, was a very illiterate
man; the most prominent of his numerous failings being his
incorrigible spelling. When required to take down a man's
name he was unable to spell, he would hunt up the slop on the
beat, and inquire of him.
One young bobby, whom he had applied to rather frequently
of late for assistance of this kind, on one occasion put the
following question to him:
" What would you do if a man avas to give you a name
reaching from one end of the street to the other, and I was
unable to spell it for you ?"
"What would I do?" replied the irate inspector, " why I'd
run the bourger in."
ALWAYS THE SAME OLD DRUNK.
There used to be a man in Rockhampton,* who when he
became inebriated, used to keep drunk for a week at a time.
I met him coming towards me in the street one day, very full,
and having observed him in a similar condition before for several
days previously, I queried him thus :
"I say, John, are you drunk again?"
"Drunk again be d d," replied John, "it's always the
same old drunk."
* Queensland.
141
WE CAN 0ATLY GET UP ONE.
This following incident cannot fail to give to the uninitiated, an
adequate idea how public meetings are carried on in the Colonies.
When I say carried on, I mean conducted, alluding to the high
tone of the remarks and sentiments which generally pervade
their assemblies. I once attended a public meeting in the city
of Bookitap, held for the purpose of organising an amateur
performance for the benefit of the rising generation of the city,
it being proposed to build a shed to serve as a school. At that
time I was established in Bookitap, but my business took me
up to Dunedin every week, and knowing that I had some little
experience in these matters, I was requested at the first meeting
held on the subject, to make a selection of plays I thought most
suitable, and to submit them to the next meeting.
In order to comply with this request, the next time I went
into town, I bought copies of six Erench plays and produced
them at the meeting accordingly.
Mr. Bazor, a prominent solicitor in the place, and a very
smart man withal, who was to take a leading part in the
performance, after having expounded to the meeting the merits
of the various pieces before him, gave it as his opinion that the
most appropriate for selection was,
" The Broken Wash-Bowl, or the Chambermaid's Revenge,"
by George Peck.
Now there were three lady characters in this piece, and ladies
being a very scarce commodity in this locality, more especially
ladies eligible and qualified for the Thespian art, I suggested the
"Wet Nurse of the Pyrenees," by Jim Jam,
would be more adapted, as there was only one woman to get up,
and we certainly with our limited resources could not get up
more than one woman. To my astonishment and confusion
Mr. Razor rose, amid cries of order, and said, " Let Mr. Chceser
speak for himself."
142
MRS. THOMPSON AND HER GIN.
Mr. Thompson had afavourable disposition towards gin, and always
used to keep a moderate supply of that beverage in his chiffonier.
On one occasion when travelling, he bought a bottle with the
intention of consuming it on the journey home, but for some
reason or other, he did not consume it, and his better half on
finding it in his portmanteau, and thinking that there was quite
enough within his reach already, removed it to a place of safety,
in that mysterious manner with the art of which only women
are acquainted.
When Thompson discovered that the gin had disappeared, he
did not mourn, or trouble himself about it just then, as there
Avas a plentiful supply in the house; but, one day, being
unusually thirsty, when his wife was out, the aforesaid supply
Having run out, and being resolved to solve the mystery, he
commenced to hunt for the hidden treasure. In every conceiv¬
able corner of the house did he hunt for an hour without
avail, and at length gave it up in disgust, and went out and
bought some.
A clay or two later, his Avife left him all alone again, during
Avliich his brother-in-laAV called in, and they both feeling similarly
inclined, Thompson swore a solemn oath in conjunction Avith his
brother-in-laAV, that he avouIcI ransack the Avhole place, until the
missing bottle Avas found, or the fact proved beyond all doubt,
that it Avas not in the house.
They accordingly went to Avork, and, after turning everything,
so to speak, in the house upside doAvn, they found the renegade
MRS. THOMPSON AND HER GIN.
H3
bottle, comfortably secreted in the interior of a big jar, in the
store room, sealed up and labelled " honey."
After replacing the furniture and other effects, in something
like ship shape order, they proceeded to regale themselves to
their heart's content with the "honey," after which, they refilled
the bottle with water, and replaced it in the jar, the cover of
which they had carefully removed, and therefore had no
difficulty in sealing it up again labelled as before.
About a month afterwards, the brother-in-law came to partake
of tea with them. That repast being concluded, Mr. Thompson
asked his brother-in-law if he would partake of some whiskey.
"No," Mrs. Thompson struck in, " you'll have some gin with
me, won't you, Jack1?" knowing his weakness for that beverage.
Jack, remembering the above episode, with difficulty repressed
a smilu, and agreed.
Mr. T. interposed, " You've got no gin, my dear."
Haven't I," she replied sharply, " I'll let you see that."
"You don't mean to say that you've been buying gin?"
queried Mr. Thompson.
" No," said she, " I had a present of it."
At this, Mr. T., who had never questioned his better half
concerning the aforesaid missing bottle, but, on the contrary,
affected to have forgotten about it altogether, pretended to be
very wroth, and demanded to know who had had the im¬
pertinence to do such a thing.
Mrs. T. gave him no reply, but immediately ran up stairs,
her face beaming with smites.
She soon returned flourishing the bottle in a tantalising
manner at her husband, who assumed the appearance of one
who had some difficulty in restraining his passion.
She gave the bottle to her husband, and instructed him to
draw the cork, and hand it to Jack, which he did.
Jack smelted it, and remarked, "You must have kept this a long
time Mary; I am afraid it has lost a good deal of its strength."
144
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
" Oh, 110, Jack," replied she, " I have only had it a month,
and it could not evaporate in the place where I stored it. I know
it must he good, as the gentleman who brought it me (with a
sly look at her husband) is an excellent judge;-—just let me
smell it."
Jack handed her the bottle, and, when she had sniffed at it,
said, " Why it has no smell at all! "
" I should think not," remarked Mr. T., " since it is only
some water I had with me in the train when I came from
Ferry town, that hot day about five or six weeks ago."
She looked riled, but did not throw a boot at him as some
wives would have done, under similar circumstances, but con¬
tented herself with pouring the water down his neck and giving
him a reconciliatory kiss.
The charming woman is daily becoming a greater adept at
inventing secret places for hidden deposits, and still believes
there never was any gin in the bottle at all.
H5
A POKESTAKE IN QUEBEC.
In the province of Quebec, Canada East, the principal language
spoken is Erench, and any one unacquainted with that language
has a very poor chance of getting on. Those who have been
there for any length of time, speak it almost as well as the
natives, whose rendering of it, however, is very coarse compared
with the purity which delights our ears in the fair country
from which it emanates.
As the French Canadians, that is, the majority of them, do
not retain the neatness, taste, figure, and deportment of their
ancestors,—so characteristic of the citizens of La Belle France;
nor yet their politeness and superabundant courtesy,-—they are
not easily distinguished from natives of other countries settled
there, and who speak the Erench tongue as well as themselves.
I was in a saloon, or rather a restaurant as it is called there,
—for the reason, I suppose, that nothing eatable is to be
obtained therein—one morning, when about twenty labourers
entered the bar. They were all conversing in French, while the
landlord and myself were speaking English.
A youth, lately arrived from England, however, who was
sitting in a corner, was observing a rigid silence.
Presently, someone outside sung out in English to the land¬
lord, " Come out here, 'boss,' and see this ! "
To this he replied, in the same language, "No; I would not
come out if it were to see Parnell hanged."
At this the youth, just alluded to, arose exclaiming, very
L
146
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
much, excited, "By Jove, would'nt I just? I would walk a
hundred miles to see that."
Before the words were properly out of his mouth, the men
whom he had evidently taken for Frenchmen, were upon him,
and pummelled and kicked him without mercy, nor were they
content until they had each one left his mark upon him.
The police heard the disturbance, which the landlord,
servants and myself did our best to quell, but, as is usual with
the Canadian police, they did their best to keep out of the way.
Eventually, with the assistance of some soldiers, who were
passing, the enraged Irishmen were cleared out, just in time to
save the young fellow's life. When I left he was still in the
hospital in a very precarious condition.
*47
A CURE FOR HYSTERICS.
When I was in St. John's, Newfoundland, I lodged with a
Mrs. Quin. She was a massive, fat, substantial piece of goods,
of about forty years of age.
The lodgings were very comfortable, inexpensive, and, Mrs.
Quin being a matronly, civil sort of a woman, made me feel
very much at home. But I always had a great objection to
being done, and most especially by landladies.
How, Mrs. Quin, at times, would endeavour to do some of
her lodgers to the extent of a dollar or so—some of them
being simple enough to give in to her rather than raise a
dispute; which is not an agreeable thing to have a man
—still less so with a woman.
When any of them rebelled and declined to give in to her,
however, she would do what women invariably resort to under
the circumstances, viz., exhibit a great theatrical display of
excitement, and launch off into a fit of hysterics, so as to carry
her point.
On those occasions, her next door neighbour, Mrs. Mumps,
whom I may as well mention here was a daughter of Sairey
Gamp, and followed the same profession as that celebrated lady,
on hearing the well-known cry, used to rush in with a bottle of
smelling salts, and apply it to Mrs. Quin's nasal organ.
When Mrs. Quin had thoroughly made up her mind to come
to, she would rise with her .friend's assistance, lie down on the
sofa and groan, while Mrs. Mumps was despatched to procure a
more palatable restorative.
In the meantime, the lodger, or the monster who had been
the culpable cause of tampering with Mrs. Quin's delicate and
susceptible temperament, would defray the expenses and leave
the room. I was told this by one of my fellow lodgers. I
thereupon registered a solemn oath not to be taken in with her
on that count, not even to the extent of one cent.
L 2
148 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
Accordingly, at the end of the third week, which, as I was
informed, was the period she might he expected to start this
racket with a new lodger, I laid my plans.
I bought a dollar's worth of purple ink, and on Saturday
afternoon, before going into her sitting-room to pay up, I placed
a bucket of iced water just outside the door, into which I poured
the ink.
I entered the room and handed her eight dollars, saying, " I
believe that is what I owe you for this week, Mrs. Quin."
" Oh! no, Mr. Cheeser, you've made a slight mistake," said
she, in the sweetest of tones and the most winning manner.
"Not at all," I replied. "I have taken a note of everything
I have had. Here it is."
She then raised her voice a pitch, and moaningly replied,
" Surely you would not be for to cheat a poor, lone woman."
I replied, " I did not wish to do anything of the kind; but
eight dollars was all that I owed her, and all that I would give
her."
At this she threw up her hands in the air, uttered scream
after scream, and attempted to emit an idiotic smile, very much
after the style of a feminine hyena, and, when the well-known
footsteps of Mrs. Mumps caught her ear coming to the rescue,
she threw herself upon the floor with a report that shook the
whole of that side of the street, and closed her eyes.
I then opened the door, and, before Mrs. Mumps could inter¬
fere, emptied the purple-icy stream over Mrs. Quin.
She came to that time without the aid of smelling salts or
whiskey, and I had to beat a hasty retreat, else I should have
been felled with the poker, which she wielded in her brawny
arms in a most dextrous manner.
I sent a friend next day to bring away my effects, telling him
I had a pressing engagement at Montmagny.
He said afterwards it was "tarnation mean" in me.
149
PECKSNIFF TRIES IT ON A SECOND TIME.
One great failing about this most estimable gentleman is his
memory, or rather the absence of that quality, which is only
exercised on those occasions that suit him best.
On one occasion I was sauntering down Deansgate with him
shortly after I arrived in Manchester, and suddenly addressed
him, " Say, P., do you know when I was coming up here last
night, I observed a ticket in the window of a pub on which
was written, 'A Glass of Sixpenny Ale One Penny V "
"Nonsense," said he; "can such things be? Well, upon my
word, I never heard of such a thing before. Could not have
believed it had anyone else told me."
When he had got over his surprise, I suggested, "Perhaps
you would not mind coming and trying it shortly just out of
curiosity."
"Not in the least," said he ; " in fact, it will give me great
pleasure."
We accordingly went to try the beer, which certainly was
not of the best, but far superior to what is sold for double the
money in some places.
P. was most eloquent in its praises, especially when the land¬
lord was within earshot. " Now, that's what I call a capital
beer—best value in Manchester. Go where you will and pay
what you like, you won't get as good a glass of beer."
Strange to say, a few days afterwards, when having some
ginger pop and a yarn with the landlord at the same time, I
mentioned the circumstance to him, he smiled, and said, "What
ISO THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
him with the Dundreary whiskers ? Why, he's been coming
here and drinking penny beer, smoking penny cigars, and eat¬
ing penny eccles cakes, ever since I've been here, and that's
over twenty years—heaven knows how long before." "When
he comes in alone," continued he, in a mimicking tone, "it is,
' One of my usual bee-aws—one of my little smokes—one of my
cakes—have you got any of my cakes left 1' "
I did not mention this to P., tut subsequently, about a week
afterwards, when I looked into the same house to get a cigar,
the barman immediately accosted me with, " What will you
drink sir 1"
I looked at him in surprise. He then explained that as it was
the boss's marriage day, he had orders that all regular customers
should be invited to pledge his good health.
I responded heartily, and on going back to the hotel I told
Pecksniff.
" Is that so1?" queried he. " I never heard of it until now."
He then proposed we should shortly go down there, which we
did. He ordered two of "my usuals," but found he was a ha'penny
short. The bar tender good naturedly smiled, and said, "it did
not matter."
I took my beer, and sat down to read the news, when P.,
having finished his beer, approached the bar with expectant
look on observing a new bar-tender, and said to him, "Say,
I suppose those people are married by this.—I do like that pale
brandy of yours."
" Oh, yes," replied the young man, " they are married an hour
ago; but you've had yours already."
i5i
HOW I MADE A GRAND TOUR.
What is generally known as a grand tour, viz., a certain pre¬
scribed route on the continent, I find has an entirely different
signification in Manchester. Let me explain. I mada "the
grand tour " with a Manchester man who keeps that institution
up—and his constitution, too, at the same time—with religious
observance every morning of the year, as do a great many other
Manchester men.
He called upon me one morning, and said, " Mr. Cheeser,
before leaving Manchester, you ought certainly to make 'the
grand tour.'"
I replied I was not aware that Manchester was within the
radius of a grand tour. What was more, I expressed my doubts
emphatically, and therefore, taking all circumstances into con¬
sideration, I did not see how in the name of tarnation I could
make the aforesaid grand tour.
At this he laughed, and said, " Oh! it's all right; you leave
it to me, I'll guide you. It won't cost you much above a
shilling, and will be all over by twelve."
I therefore complied, wondering what new sensation was in
store for me. I was to be ready by ten, as a highly interesting
entertainment was to take place at our first halting place at
half-past, and it was half an hour's walk. I was accordingly
ready. He punctually attended, and we sallied forth, and
arrived at a hotel situate in close proximity to the Cathedral,
known as the "Brown Thistle." He ordered two mild beers, and
when they were brought he advanced to a table covered with a
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
snowy white cloth laden with biscuit, bread, butter, cheese, &c.,
and also a tureen of excellent brown soup.
He helped himself to soup, and motioned me to follow his
example, and when we had partaken to our satisfaction we
retired.
"That is Ho. 1," said my guide.
Presently we came to the " York Minster." Here we had mild
beers again and pea soup. We then came to the " Shakspear,'
and had hare soup; next to the " Sir Ralph Abercromby," and
fared off kippered herring. Subsequently we turned into the
" Thatched House," and partook of beef-steak pie, after which
we went to the " Three Sugar Loaves," that being on my way
home, and feeling more than satisfied with the tour, Avound up
there with bread, cheese, and cucumber.
It is a most remarkable fact, that at all these places in succes¬
sion our friend "Pecksniff" was represented in person, and did
ample justice to the tempting viands. I was somewhat tickled
at an expression he made use of Avith a knoAving Avink, "I like
a bit of cheese after soup, it makes it stick to the ribs."
I Avent back to my hotel then, and on being asked what I
Avould take for lunch, I replied, "a glass of water and a tooth-
pick."
153
EPITAPH EOK GEOKGE PECK,
Editor of the "Milwaukie Sun." Proposed to be Written
on a Tablet of Cheese.
Here lies Peck, his sun is set.
I mean his life's sun, for not yet
Will die the lyre on which he played,
The lyre that such sweet music made.
Eeminding one in accents shrill and sharp
Of music from a " deranged " Aeolian harp.
The music it was sweet (my words I quote)
Generally speaking so, hut still sometimes a note
Of discord sour and tasteless would creep in,
And mar the brilliancy of genius with its vulgar din,
And, in a great man's work, we mourn to find
Such desecration emanating from the mind
Of subjects pure and thoughts sublime
To burlesque them in strains bedecked in slime.
His folly culminates in words as these—■
In speaking of the merits of a cheese—
"Oh! cheese where is thy sting (and thou),
Oh! hash where is thy victory" (and now)
Old Peck I'll say farewell—rest thy bones.
154
ALARM OF FIRE AT THE TEMPERANCE HOTEL IN
MANCHESTER.
The Manager in a Dilemma.
I had just squared up accounts with myself and all mankind,
with the exception of my creditors, as I thought, one night, and
was about to step into bed and enjoy well-earned repose, when
all of a sudden the shrill accents of a female voice were heard
resounding through the corridors, which, were easily recognisable
as those of Mrs. Bones—Murder ! Fire ! Thieves ! Police !
A sudden splash of water accompanied by an ejaculation of
rage and the terror-striking cry of Fire! Fire! Fire!
The cry was instantly taken up on all sides. I at once
resumed my clothes, and on opening the door I saw about a
dozen insane looking feemales arrayed in nightgowns, and ditto
caps, rushing up and down the corridors vociferating with all
their might the inflammatory chorus.
The little lad who cleans the windows and boots and sings
lofty strains was down on his knees in a corner saying his
prayers.
The guests of the house were all standing at the doors of
their cabins, habited in full evening costume, whilst Mrs. Soapy,
the fat old widow, was tightly clasped in Pecksniff's arms; but
after reposing there for a few moments, said she " perceived a
very bad smell," which becoming more intolerable, added, " Go
away, you nasty man, you have got something dirty in your
pocket."
Smith, the manager, was standing in their midst, perfectly
flabbergasted, not knowing what to say or do, when suddenly
a stream of icy cold water came up the passage from the window
FIRE AT THE TEMPERANCE HOTEL.
at one end, followed by another at the other end, which made
a speedy clearance.
By this time it was easily seen that there was a pokestake,
so not wishing to get my person or room saturated, I closed the
door, and soon was comfortably composed to sleep. Next
morning I found all the passages and a great number of the
rooms swimming in water, so much so—that being of a rheumatic
turn of mind—I had to take off my shoes and stockings and
wade down stairs to breakfast.
I soon learned the origin of the alarm. It was this : Peck¬
sniff had been indulging in one of " my little smokes" at the
foot of the stairs, waiting to interview Mrs. Soapy (according
to private arrangements), to whom he had been flying his kite
recently, fondly anticipating the pleasure of ultimately walking
up her lobby and hanging up his hat there. And as I afterwards
learned, he intended to propose that night.
Mrs. Bones was up above, and seeing the glare from the cigar
and the ascending smoke, concluded the house was on fire; she
hastily snatched at the slop pail (kept in readiness, in imitation
of those more sanitary establishments, to avert such a
catastrophe), and immediately emptied its contents upon poor
Pecksniff, drenching him from head to foot, which impregnated
him with the odour so disagreeable to Mrs. Soapy, and which
was the cause of his losing her from his embrace for ever.
Mr. Jackson, the most collected of the lot, approached Mrs.
Bones, and said, " Be comforted, be comforted, there is naught
to fear, not while I am beside you, dearest Jemima. Don't
you think, dearest, that it would be better for us to take this
opportunity to fly—yes, dearest—during the confusion to fly ? "
Mrs. Bones, who had her bonnet and shawl on (all ready to
go home, as usual, after the lodgers had retired to rest), sunk
her head upon Mr. Jackson's shoulder and yielded to the
temptation, simpering her willingness " to follow him to the
ends of the earth."
The Elopement.
When the excitement in the house, and in the whole block of
buildings adjacent, caused by this startling occurrence was at
its height, a lady and gentleman might have been seen to sally
forth from the Eoyal Goak, muffled in cloaks and rugs, and
carrying between them a small carpet bag. They wended their
way in silence towards a cab standing at the top of B
Street, where also stood a tall young man, also muffled in a
cloak, and wearing a fur cap, pulled down so as to conceal his
features. As they approached, he opened the door, and first
assisted the lady to enter, who sprang lightly into the vehicle,
and then volunteered the same service to her companion, who
by this time was wearing an aspect that invited commiseration.
When the gentleman had entered he shook him warmly by
the hand, and said, " Good night, Scott, thank you kindly ;
don't forget to come up to-morrow and tell us how the wind
lies."
"All right—good night," said the young man as he gently
raised his hat and turned to go, while the cab drove off at a
rapid pace in the direction of Market Street.
157
How the "Wind Lies—Caught in the Act.
Next morning about eight o'clock an elderly gentleman and
middle-aged lady—need I say Mr. Jackson and Mrs. Bones—
were comfortably seated, partaking of breakfast, in a snug little
room looking out upon Grosvenor Street. Presently a shadow
passes the window, at sight of which Mr. Jackson turned pale
and Mrs. Bones gives a scream and begins to date her history
back from the awful present to the time when church bells and
organ pealing sounds, and the simpler ceremony of placing the
ring, announced the fact that Jeremiah Bones and Jemima Dust
were one,—need I say it was the shade of Mr. Bones.
Suddenly a tremendous knocking was heard at the door, and
as soon as the landlady responded to it, Mr. B., without waiting
for the honour and favour of an introduction, marches up to the
room and sends his foot through the panel while Mr. Jackson
was in the very act of turning the key, catching that gentleman
somewhere about midships, and a moment afterwards confronted
the guilty and abashed couple.
But what a scene now presented itself to his astonished vision;
his adorable Jemima in the arms of a lean, miserable, frightened-
looking semblance of a man, with her head bowed down and
arms clasped round him in fond embrace upon his breast. Mr. B.
was thunderstruck. He eyed them for some moments in horror,
ere he could find words with which to express himself, for Bones
being an elder of the church, and a Sunday-school teacher to
boot, does not swear. At last, when Mrs. Bones had about half
recovered from the shock, and been deposited in a seat, Bones,
terribly in earnest now, addresses her.
" Jemima, what is the meaning of all this? Go home
instanter; leave me to settle matters with this miserable
scoundrel."
Mrs. Bones, who was dreadfully scared at the turn events had
158 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT
taken, quietly took the hint, and without bestowing a word or a
glance at either subsided.
It was Mr. Jackson's turn now.
" Sir," said Mr. Bones, fiercely, " what have you got to say for
yourself for attempting to put asunder what God has joined—
How dare you attempt to kidnap my wife ? I repeat it, sir, how
dare you ?"
" My dear sir, my very much mistaken dear sir," said Mr.
Jackson, now terribly alarmed, " my intentions were very
different to what you suppose, I assure you."
" But what the d 1 have your intentions to do with your
being here with my Jemima in your arms?" demanded Mr. B.
" I assure you," interpleaded the terror-stricken Mr. Jackson,
" I at great risk to my own life rescued Mrs. Bones from the
raging element, and brought her away from the hotel to a place
of safety. She was so much agitated, poor thing, she could not
have found her way home. And, my dear sir, not knowing the
way, I put her in a cab and drove her up here to these new
lodgings, which I had just taken for myself, having arranged to
leave the hotel to-morrow. I assure you. sir, the raging
element "
"The raging bosh !" angrily interposed Mr. Bones.
"My dear sir " urged Mr. Jackson.
" Raging bosh ! I tell you," continued Mr. Bones, "there was
no fire at all. It was all a hoax got up by you to kidnap my
wife, and you'll have to answer for it. Yes, sir, you'll answer
for it. Oblige me with your card."
Matters were now becoming serious, but Mr. Jackson nerved
himself up to reply "No !"
Bones: " Why not, sir ? Why not, I should like to know ?
Has not a gentleman a right to require under circumstances like
these, and to demand the fullest and completest satisfaction?"
Jackson: " Certainly, with "
Bones: " Then hand me your card, sir. Why don't you give
it to me ?"
HOW THE WIND LIES—CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 159
JacTcson: " Because I have only got one left, on which I have
scribbled a contract I have just effected with Mr. Sewer for the
disposal of 42,000 acres of freehold land in Manchester, and out
of which I shall obtain nearly the whole of the commission."
Bones (plunging his hand into his pocket and bringing it out
again) : " Here's mine." But on perceiving that he had secured
only instead a pawn ticket for his wife's latest bonnet, which he
was in the act of handing to Mr. Jackson, he assumed a look of
surprise, and added, " I find I've left mine at home too,—no
matter, a friend of mine will call upon you this afternoon."
Sotto voce (aside): " Oh, if the Shepherd or Brother Smut were
to hear this ! But I have gone too far to recede. I can't draw
hack now with honour."—"Yes," said he, emphatically, "a
friend of mine will call upon you this afternoon."
Jackson: "All right. I'll tell the landlady to lock up the
silver spoons."
Bones: " Sir V'
Jackson: " Sir."
Bones: " Do you mean to add insult to injury 1"
Jackson (pointing to the well laid-out table and putting the
question) : "Have you breakfasted, sir?"
Bones: "Breakfast, sir—never mind, sir. You'll hear from
me, sir,—hot!"
Jackson (echoed calmly): " Never mind."
Bones: " But I will mind, sir, and so will you."
Jackson (suddenly inspired):
" Blow, blow, thou wintry wind,
Thour't not so unkind
As man's ingratitude."
" Your ingratitude, sir, not only grieves me to the heart, but
causes me to lose faith in mankind."
Bones: "I'll stay no longer bandying words with you—good
morning."
Jackson (who was getting disgusted with the, interview) said,
"No, its not; its d wet."
t6o
The Duel.
Mr. Bones waited not to hear anything further, hut departed.
Jackson then began to realise the awful position he had placed
himself in, and, though he had succeeded in deceiving Mr. Bones
concerning his courage, he could not deceive himself; so he ac¬
cordingly sat down and wrote a letter to Scott, asking him to act
as his second, at the same time imploring him to exert himself
to the utmost to arrange matters with Mr. Bones's second, who¬
ever he should he, that there might he no bloodshed, for he
added with emphasis, "I am an unerring shot."
He was in the midst of these cogitations, and had just con¬
cluded his epistle, when a short but polite missive from Mr.
Johnstone, Mr. Bones's second, was handed up to him, which
caused him to turn first very pale, then green, then blue, notify¬
ing that Mr. Bones's honour and escutcheon had been so tar¬
nished by his, Mr. Jackson's, conduct, that nothing short of the
fullest satisfaction would he required to wipe out the igno¬
minious stain and restore the said escutcheon to its unsullied
purity, and asking him to name his second,
This was an awful reality now, and must be faced. There
was no backing out of it.
Mr. Bones had also displayed a great amount of assumed
courage when in Mr. Jackson's chambers, but when he came to
interview himself on the dreadful subject, coupled with the
possible extinction of himself and expulsion from the universe,
he, too, trembled and turned pale. He began rapidly to revolve
in his mind, strange to say, the identical plan that Jackson had
THE DUEL.
161
liit upon; but what puzzled him most was, who he should depute
as his second. The thought of Mrs. B. and her wrongs, and
injury to the fair escutcheon, never once entered his mind; he
was too much engrossed with the problem of how to get out of
this awkward scrape. " Who should he ask to be his second?"
He knew he could not ask any of the members of his church,
and outside the pale of the church his acquaintances were, as
may be inferred, extremely limited.
It struck him, however, that having been introduced to all
the gentlemen staying in the Temperance Hotel, under the cir¬
cumstances, it would be no breach of etiquette to enlist one of
them.
Therefore, after turning the matter over in his mind as to
which of these gentlemen he should make a confidant of, he
decided upon asking the kindly offices of Mr. Johnstone.
He accordingly called upon that gentleman, and after inviting
him to partake of lemon-squash and a cigar, he unfolded the
matter to him.
Mr. Johnstone had no difficulty in grasping the gravities in¬
volved in the case, and all its requirements; at the same time
assuring his principal "that he must not on any account exhibit
the white feather," encouraging him, however, with " his belief
that neither of them could injure each other at fifty paces."
" Make it a hundred ! " pleaded the agonised Bones.
" Leave that to me," replied the second. " I will address a
peremptory note to Mr. Jackson at once."
This, as we have seen already, caused a tremor in that indi¬
vidual's fragile composition that threatened to undermine his
constitution.
Mr. Scott received Mr. Jackson's letter about the same time
that Mr. Bones interviewed Mr. Johnstone.
The two seconds accordingly held a consultation, put their
heads together, and agreed to have some fun at the expense of
the two principals.
M
162 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
The selection of weapons having been made to the satisfaction
of the combatants (who by this time seemed as if stricken with
the palsy), the seconds manufactured some pills composed of
julup, brimstone, treacle and ink, and Mr. Johnstone then
waited upon Mr. Jackson.
" Sad business this, old fellow," said he; " have you made
your will 1"
" Humph, n—no; that is, y—yes," said Jackson with a
vacuous, smiling expression on his countinghouse. "Is there
no 1"
" Alternative, you mean. None," sternly said Mr. Johnstone.
" What is your intention 1"
" I am entirely in the hands of my second, Mr. Scott, to
whom I must refer you. I do not wish you to leave with the
impression that I am afraid to afford the liveliest—-nay, you
may tell him from me, the deadliest—satisfaction he requires,
for you must understand I am a dead shot, hut do not altogether
like to take the life of a fellow creature."
Mr. Johnson arose, and shaking him warmly by the hand,
addressed him as follows :—
" It does you infinite credit my dear fellow. I quite under¬
stand and appreciate your sentiments, and I being a good shot
myself, shall consider it my duty to instruckMr. Bones in the
art, so that he will have a fair and equal chance with you. As
.soon as I go hack I will rig up a target in the hack yard, on
which I shall sketch your likeness life size for him to practise at."
At this Mr. Jackson was so much overcome that he could
hardly find words to express his thanks for/such a display of
kind disinterested friendship. In fact, he wasu,so agitated that
his whole frame visibly shook; his hair was "(elevated, and his
tongue clove to his jaws; his teeth chattered, his knees knocked
together, and the cold perspiration streamed down in copious
rivulets from eyes, mouth, nose, and ears.
These signs of gratitude were also signs of internal sensitive-
THE DUEL.
163
ness. They described, far more eloquently than words could
have done, the actual state of his mind, and had such an effect
upon Mr. Johnstone that he placed his hands flat upon the
sides of his body, and brought very great pressure to bear upon
them. At length they both recovered, and Mr. Johnstone took
his departure.
It may appear a very strange coincidence, but Mr. Bones and
Mr. Scott held a conversation of a very similar character, and
with a very similar result. Sounds of unseemly mirth were
heard to issue from Johnstone's rooms that night, where
Pecksniff told me the two seconds were imbibing fluids together
strongly at somebody's expense.
The following day was fixed for the duel. The hour
four a.m. The place, the banks of the Ship Canal. The
seconds had decided upon this locality as the last place in the
world anyone would suspect such a combat to take place, or
anything else there for that matter; and they had also decided
that instead of using firearms, each of the combatants should
swallow six pills, drawn from a hat, all of the same size and
colour, but one of them to be poisonous.
Accordingly, at the appointed hour and place, the following
morning the combatants and their seconds met. The principals
plucked up courage on hearing that firearms were to be dis¬
pensed with. The pills were partaken of amidst profound
silence, which, however, was speedily broken by the most
heartrending groans, accompanied by a most unearthly sound.
And now the combatants rolled over each other uttering
the most pitiful moans, invoking the canal and all the ships
therein to witness that they had forgiven each other, and bore
not the silghtest grudge or feeling of ill will.
They were then informed that there had been a pokestake
in the arrangements; that the seconds had forgotten to put the
poison in any of the pills, and consequently the duel would
have to be fought over again.
O
164 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
At this point Mr. Bones, whose face was ashy pale, far
whiter than the sheet I am now writing upon, was about to
say something, when Mr. Jackson interrupted him with, "Ah!
my dear fellow, I know what your courage and generosity
would prompt you to say, £ That you are willing to give me
satisfaction again.' But," continued he, " don't mention it, my
dear fellow—don't mention it. I would not for worlds put you
to such trouble; I am perfectly satisfied, I assure you." 2sTor
did his appearance belie the statement. They then embraced
each other, had a wash—a mutual baptism—the first of the
kind in the Ship Canal, and the whole party departed from the
scene of strife.
Apropos of one of the principal actors in the above drama,
it is worthy of record here, that after the unfortuitous turn
events had taken, Mr. Jackson took a long farewell of Mrs. Bones,
explaining to her that " they had both made a little pokestake
in this matter," counselling her to return to the bosom of
Mr. Bones till death them do part. And it is necessary to
add, that after carefully weighing all the circumstances together
resulting in his late miserable fiasco, never again to submit to
the blandishments of tender women, or to be bound with
hymeneal cords, for the simpler reason he vouchsafed to me
(in confidence), "That were he to enter the matrimonial state,
he might waken up some fine morning only to find four bare
legs in bed and no breakfastI commended him for his decision
of character and took leave of him.
i6s
ECCENTRICITIES OF SEAFARING MEN.
In the course of my various voyages it was my fortune to meet
with some very eccentric " old salts." Some of these are
worthy of having their memories enshrined in these pages.
I had occasion once to go to Newcastle, New South Wales,
from Sydney, and was asked by a London skipper to accom¬
pany him, as he was about to tow up that night for the purpose
of taking in a cargo of coals for Manila. I accepted his offer,
and derived considerable amusement while on board from the
vagaries of one of the sailors. This was a man who had been
shipped in Sydney, and no sooner had we got outside the
heads, than he began to manifest signs of insanity. Suddenly
a slight squall came on, and all hands were ordered on deck.
But, to the surprise of the mate, he made for the forecastle. He
was asked in language more forcible than polite, "What he
was up to?" to which he replied, with natural simplicity, "I
am about to repair to my bunk in order to improve my mind
by the perusal of edifying literature, until the cessation of
these disturbing atmospherial phenomena, after which I shall
return to the deck, and resume my duties."
On another occasion, while journeying from Newcastle to
Hong Kong, in a sailing vessel, I encountered a half caste, who,
in sailor's phraseology, "was continually going off his chump
whenever the new moon made its appearance."
He would mount the forecastle head and wave his arms in
the air frantically, shouting the while, " How are you, old friend?
There you are again. God bless you, old friend. Hurra, hurra,
166
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
hurra! There you are again. That's the style. Long life to
you, old friend."
Going into Pensacola, the pilot sent a Norwegian into the
chains to heave the lead, and the old man, who was rather cute
and wished to he relieved, sung out, " Leather mid a ho—le
between the vite and the red."
He was relieved speedily.
On hoard a Yankee steamer, going from Auckland, New
Zealand, to San Francisco, Cal., I came in contact with one of
the most economical captains I ever heard of. He used to carry
out his rigid principles so far as to personally inspect the
issuing or distribution of stores of every kind with minute exact¬
ness. He was not only economical with the ship's stores, hut
parsimonious with the strength of his crew, and scrupulously
refrained from overworking them.
One hot, sultry afternoon, they had been working rather
hard, the skipper came on deck, when all eyes were instantly
turned upon him, in an expectant sort of way, for he had, a?!
they anticipated, come on deck to tell them to knock off. He
eyed them for an instant as they all congregated together, under
the break of the poop, to have a spell, and then smiled and re¬
marked, " Tired, hoys ?" To which a dozen men, who were
wiping the perspiration from their brows with red handkerchiefs,
answered, "Yes, sir."
"All right," said he, complacently; "knock off work and
carry deals."*
And he actually rewarded them for their hard day's work by
allowing them to recreate themselves by carrying forward a
number of deal planks which the carpenter had been preparing
for rigging up some new hulk-heads; and you should have just
seen how they gambolled along the deck with them in their joy.
J.f made their good captain smile to see it.
* Old sailor's joke.
ECCENTRICITIES OF SEAFARING MEN. 167
This exemplary skipper was averse to give the baker too much
trouble either; so he told the steward " that when the bread
got sour in the cabin to give it to the steerage passengers," re¬
marking in the same breath, " that new bread was not good
for steerage passengers, it having a tendency to make them
bilious."
It was the custom of the steerage passengers to go below by
the after hatch—the cargo had all been put down the main and
fore hatches—and, one day while the men were all busily
engaged aloft, tarring down, I heard the following conversation
between the captain and the boatswain :—
Captain: " "What was that you were just speaking to the
carpenter about 1"
Boatswain: " Oh ! sir, there's a lot of water been going down
the hatches from that wash-deck pump."
Captain (in a fury): " Down which hatch 1"
Boatswain : " The after hatch, sir."
Captain : " Oh ! that's nothing; we've got no time to attend
to that just now. It will be time enough to cry out when it
goes amongst the cargo—none the worse of a little water, these
cattle."
i68
THE PEDLAE'S STOEY.
Every class of men have their own peculiarities more or less
marked in the various individuals composing them.
Pedlars are noted story tellers, and in ancient times, before
the introduction of railways and newspapers into Scotland, these
emissaries were the only means of carrying the news about the
country; and were welcome guests wherever they went. The
old school of gossiping pedlars has nearly died out now; but
in 1868 I came across a genuine gangerell body* of the old
school. John Duguid, or Jock o' the Wud, as he was generally
called, though for what reason I don't know, nor do I believe
that anyone living then or now could tell. He was an old man
of a very ingenious, inventive turn of mind; and when genuine
news was scarce, he had to fall back upon his inventive faculty.
But, as he always carried his bible with him, and was known
to go to church twice every Sunday, wherever he happened to
be, and was never known to commit that heinous offence of
whistling on that day, Jock passed for an unquestionable
authority, and his stories were all believed. Had you ever
hinted to any of the country folk in the districts through which
he travelled that Jock o' the "Wud told lies, they would have
been grievously offended, their credulity being equally as great
as his fertility of imagination.
I was on a visit to the village of Lumsden, in Aberdeenshire,
along with a young clergyman. We were seated in the inn
where we were stopping, one evening, when the landlord knocked
* Stroller or tramp.
THE PEDLAR'S STORY.
169
at the door of our room, and earnestly requested my companion
to go upstairs, and endeavour to comfort a man who was dying.
My friend went upstairs, hut had to come down again for me to
act as interpreter, for he could not understand the sufferer's
dialect—which was very broad Scotch.
"We accordingly ascended together, and on asking the man's
name, he informed us he was John Duguid, commonly known
as Jock 0' the Wud, though for what reason he, it seems, never
knew, or had forgotten. He was seventy years of age, a pedlar
by trade, and a native of Buxburn—a suburb of Aberdeen. At
this point, the doctor came in and informed us that Jock had
not more than two hours to live.
The minister then exhorted Jock to prepare himself for
another world, upon which Jock spoke in a broken tone as
follows:—
" Aum an honest man, gents, as faur as siller* is concerned,
for it niver cheetit ony man oot 0' a bawbee, t bit as Muster
McFaurlin tells us,—that's him as is minister at Kildrumy, a
dare say the likes 0' you will ken him, bit ony wie, as a wis sayin
as he says, a leear is no an honest man, and no leear shall enter
him into the kingdom 0' hiven, and farthermore, as he speers,
faur will au leears go ?—doon, doon ti the bottomless pit, that is,
unless they repent and receive the salvation and grace 0' Gueed,
afore they gang hence and be seen nae mair. Uoo that's jist
what a wint ti dee, fur a ken a'm gaun ti dee the nicht, and a
wid feel easier gin a wis ti mak a clean breest o't afore a gang
awa, din ye see ?"
We told him that we were ready and willing to hear what he
had to say, upon which he entered into the following confession,
which, for the convenience of the uninitiated reader, I will
render into " Queen's English."
* Money,
f Halfpenny.
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
" As I said before," continued be, " I never robbed any man,
woman or child, nor yet wronged them in any way; but, in my
trade, I found it necessary to collect all the scraps of news, and
to make the most of them, as, until I had treated my customers
to a bit of interesting intelligence, they would buy nothing
from me; and the more interesting my intelligence, the more
patronage was lavished upon me.
Accordingly when news was scarce, I had recourse to inven¬
tion, and it is the great millstone of lies which hangs around
my neck, that I wish to be relieved from. I will therefore
relate to you some of the worst fabrications I was guilty of.
The first is
" An Earthquake Story.
" I don't remember what year it was in that I first told this,
but, at all events, it was at a time when news of every kind
was very, very, scarce, my favourite topics especially; having
been quite exhausted, I was driven to the usual expedient.
" I cannot quite remember when it was, but this much I do
recollect, that the first person I imposed upon was a Mrs. Suter,
a farmer's wife, living between Cormenthmant and Gartly, and,
by way of starting, she began to talk about fires, murders,
wars, earthquakes, and kindred subjects, on which she delighted
to have her soul kindled and excited.
" This was the way in which she would draw me out, and I
found that she had but a confused notion about these phenomena,
and had you asked her the difference between a civil war and a
volcanic eruption, or whether they were not precisely one and
the same thing, as a great fire and loss of life, she would have
been puzzled to reply, but would have been decidedly in favour
of the latter hypothesis.
" She asked me one day why a ' civil' war was so called. I
told her that it meant a ' divil' war, being his work, but that
the D was changed into a C, for the sake of euphony.
" After she had commented freely on some of the items I had
THE PEDLAR'S STORY.
given her on a previous occasion, she edged her chair up
beside mine and said, ' Now, Jock, what news have you got to¬
day ?' I replied there had been another great earthquake, since
last I had seen her, and, if she would just draw me a jug of ale
and give me a fill of tobacco, I would tell her all about it. She
quickly complied with my request, and, when we were both
seated by the fire and I was sending wreaths of smoke up the
chimney, having taken a good pull at the ale, I commenced as
follows, pretending to read from a newspaper I held in my hand,
and which I need not say Mrs. Suter was unable to decipher:—
" The evening of the eighteenth of blank, eighteen hundred
and blanky blank, was very fine at Higginford, Middlesex, and
in consequence the inhabitants of that city were all out of doors,
promenading the streets and numerous parks and gardens for
which that place is so justly famous. All of a sudden the sky
assumed an unnatural red colour, rain began to fall heavily, and
the sun and moon appeared as if they were about to come in
disastrous collision. This was followed by a rumbling noise and
shaking of the earth, which caused all the bells in the town to
ring. The shaking momentarily increased. Buildings reeled
to and fro like drunken men, tottered and fell; and the once
beautiful city is now a vast ruin. A later telegram from our
Higginford correspondent states, that at half-past seven the
earth opened and swallowed up the entire city and the whole of
the inhabitants, and that great distress prevailed owing to the want
of shelter and the inclemency of the weather, which was unusually
wet for that time of the year. All the shops are closed, and
business is at a dead standstill. Reuter's agent, telegraphing
from Higginford; State of Maine, TJ. S., has the following:—
" The City of Higginford, late of Middlesex county, England,
which was swallowed up by the earth last night, was thrown up
here in a lake, and on arriving at the surface, covered the whole
area of the lake, and a pretty considerable piece of ground
besides. The inhabitants have all become citizens of the United
172 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
States, and another star has been added to the flag of stars and
stripes. General Sherman has issued orders for some troops to
be stationed here. The races are on to-morrow, and a great
volunteer review will he held here on Monday. The streets are
a little out of joint, hut workmen are employed night and day
taking the " crooks " * out of them, and I guess they'll soon he all
right. The citizens have all signed the pledge, as a sort of
thanksgiving for having been delivered safely out of danger.
Their motto, inscribed on the city arms, is ' Keep sober, that's
the main thing.' "
Jock was very penitent, hut notwithstanding this long recount¬
ing could hardly repress a smile at the recollection of how
Mrs. Suter had drunk in all his words with such ejaculations as,
" Ay, Lord preserve us!"—" Ay, Jock, hit we maun he thankful
to the Lord that we do not live in places like that."
He could scarcely forbear to smile either, despite the solemnity
of the occasion, but my friend the minister at length assumed a
serious yet kindly look, and reminded Jock that his time was
short and he must make the best of it, and not lapse into the
careless and frivolous indulgences of life, which was now to he
his for such a brief period.
Jock then related a few more yarns of a similar nature, which
he had imposed upon the credulous natures of his customers in
the course of his peregrinations, some of which he knew to he
totally untrue. But others he had told so frequently that he
did not remember whether they were true or not.
When he had concluded, he said that he felt much easier, and
the minister comforted him still more by telling him " that
many far greater sinners than he had got to heaven, and that
though his sins had been great—red, like crimson, he should be
white as snow," and so on.
Jock and the minister prayed together fervently, after which
Jock departed in peace.
* Bends.
173
SPEKEUP, FINANCIAL AGENT, &c.
Mr. Spekeup is a very pompous, conceited, little man, square
built, and has earned for himself the credit of being a good man
of business, and, with some, he had the reputation of doing a
large business, and of being a wealthy man.
But the writer knew different.
He spent what little he had in travelling about to lend a
character to his world-wide operations and impose upon the
more credulous.
He had an idea that this sort of thing went down with people
abroad as well, but, when he landed in New York, the sign¬
boards in Broadway that met his astonished gaze were quite
enough for him ; and the further he went in the States he met
the more energetic struggling men of larger capital, both in
money and brains, than himself. In the colonies he found
things pretty much the same, so he eventually returned to
England, and settled down in an obscure little watering place
known as Washport, and there determined to resume his opera¬
tions anew.
I will now introduce him to the reader as he sat in his office,
which was quite a study in itself, twelve months after having
settled there.
By this time he had got to the end of his "finances"
(although he posed as a money-lender as well), without having
made enough to pay for gas and coal, and nothing at all for
rent.
He is apparently about thirty-five years of age, and had held
174
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
a post of clerk to Messrs. Rub and Snub, of Stinkchester, for
seventeen years. He is generally attired in a smoke-black suit,
spectacles, paper collar, and ditto front;—the latter is a marvel of
genius, being manufactured out of a sheet of cream laid note
paper, through the head of which is thrust his penny bone stud,
and which conceals a very dirty Crimean shirt, and adorned
with a clerical bow.
His face is itself a study, wearing continually a what might
be interpreted as a mixture of benevolence and dignified con¬
tentment. This, however, as I am about to explain, is altogether
assumed. Mr. Spekeup, as has been already stated, got to the
end of his finances; but he had also succeeded in getting into
debt, and hitherto, had not done a stroke of business beyond
collecting a few weekly rents of ten shillings.
His office is a low room, up stairs, first floor, measuring about
seven feet square, half of which is partitioned off in the occupa¬
tion of Mr. Putty, Painter, &c. The sole means of ingress and
egress is by a glass door, elaborately daubed " Spekeup, Finan¬
cial Agent, Broker, Accountant, and Public Liquidator." The
windows which look out on the street are similarly ornamented.
Inside there is a square table, about seven feet square, covered
with books, bundles of papers arranged to a nicety, and imme¬
diately facing the door in a round-backed wicker chair, is
seated Mr. Spekeup, at the table, with a pen in his ear, and
a letter, which, by the bye, is a stock article, written by him¬
self, and is delivered to him always when a customer is in
attendance. The other furniture consists of two chairs, a couple
of spittoons, a waste paper basket, a fire-place, a hearth-rug,
coal-scuttle with two large pieces of coal wedged in tightly at
the top, and supported underneath by a heap of waste paper
There is also a clock in the room whose " tick " has stopped in
a most ominous manner at the same time as its owner's, and a
row of bookshelves on which are arranged a number of books,
labelled "Journal," "Day Book," "Letter Book," "Balances,"
SPEKEUP, FINANCIAL AGENT.
175
"Ledger," and "Cash Book." These are seldom opened, the
last named never. The walls are pasted over with imposing
notices, such as " Commissions charged on all cheques cashed
here after bank hours," " Loans negotiated in an hour's notice
without security and with strictest confidence," " Companies
floated in five minutes," and so forth. There are also numerous
maps, plans, telegraph forms, post office order forms, tacked to
the wall, and other embellishments too numerous to mention.
A striking feature in the " make up " of the office is a cupboard
in the wall, in which is situated a bottle of gin, a glass bereft of
its fundamental part, a jug of water, some clay pipes, a box of
tobacco, another of matches, and a penny pork pie, which latter
is Mr. Spekeup's dinner when he can afford that luxury; when
he cannot, he spends half an hour on the Royal Hotel steps at
luncheon time, chewing a tooth-pick to convey the impression
he has just fared sumptuously, but really to inhale the fragrant
odour which ascends from the region below, until perchance some¬
one will stand him a drink.
The most artistic works of art in this carefully fitted up office,
are four sham doors, well fitted into the recesses on each side of
the fire-place and opposite walls—the work of the ingenious
" Putty."
One of these is painted green to resemble one of Milner's
Safe doors, and on it is fitted a brass lock, a handle to some
imaginary clock work, and a number of holes neatly drilled near
the bolts, and the insides filled with iron filings to convey the
impression that the structure is iron with steel drills. To be
explicit, this door is an excellent imitation of the door of a press
safe, and cannot be detected even by the closest scrutiny. The
one alongside of it is a similar one and is generally open, dis
closing to view another board fitted into the wall, painted to
represent drawers, which don't open, and on which are inscribed,
"Green Meadows Estate," " Chorlton Park," "Water Park,"
" Greychurch Castle," " The Marquis of Pumphandle," " The
176 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
Duke of Duckpond's Estate," " The Rt. Hon. Charles Partinface,"
" lie John Smellinford, Esq.," " Patrick O'Doodle, Esq.," and
" Pumpkin Squash, Esq." The other two doors are painted oak,
having glass knohs and glass plates on which are inscribed
in letters of gold respectively, " Clerk's Office," and the imposing
word "Private."
Unfortunately when Mr. Spekeup had made marks under the
names of the lucky few of his creditors, whom he intended to
pay, he neglected to include Putty, and the consequence of
this was, that that personage kept him in a dreadful state of
suspense and mental agony, by threatening to expose the
imposture.
Mr. S. tried very hard to break the ice, and launch into
business, but it was no good. He advertised, shares wanted,
clerks wanted, shares on sale, &c., and was obliged to inform
the applicants " that they were just in time to be too late "—all
in vain.
He wrote letters and despatched telegrams and post cards to
himself with a like result, and at last the crisis came, and he
knew then that he must either make or break, and in the event
of the latter (as he had done before) follow it up with a moonlight
flitting.
After mature consideration he came to the conclusion that the
best thing he could do would be to float a limited liability
company.
His first venture was a winter garden and aquarium, after the
style of Westminster, for Washport. This racket, with skating
rinks and all pertaining to them, he found was played out.
The next thing to be arranged—happy thought—was an
entirely new scheme. He sat himself down to arrange his plans,
and, after deliberating the matter very seriously, he thought it
would be a good idea " to make ropes out of sand." And why
not? the raw material was abundant. He accordingly borrowed
a canvas bag from Mr. Putty, and filled it with specimens care¬
fully selected of the raw material which he placed on his table
SPEKEUP, FINANCIAL AGENT.
177
alongside some pieces of rock and cinders marked " Sulpkurious
Sulphate of Syndicate," " Posthumous Sulphate of Rats," " Egre¬
gious Essence of Turd," " Petrified Fruits of Philosophy,"
4' Congealed Essence of Bosh."
I will not give a detailed account of the preliminary negotia¬
tions which Friend S. carried on, hut suffice it to give an extract
from a lecture on his pet theory " Sand Ropes," which he gave in
the Town Hall to a most respectable and educated audience.
He said, "The voluminous researches of science in late years
tends to convince us of the fact that nothing is impossible—
(applause)—and also that with the assistance of various useful
minerals recently discovered, such as the congealed essence
of " (a voice : " Bosh !")
"I say the congealed essence " (another voice : "You are
the congealed essence of a hass.") " we can manufacture with
but little labour or other expense useful and necessary "
(a voice : " Dry up ")—" articles of daily use which formerly
had to be imported at great expense and risk from foreign
countries—(hear, hear). Fellow citizens, it behoves us-
fellow citizens—(cheering). I repeat, it behoves us, fellow
citizens—(renewed cheering)—it behoves us " (a voice :
" Ho it don't.") " It behoves us to " (a voice : " Shut up.")
" It behoves us, fellow citizens, to turn to account what nature
has bountifully placed in our way. And why—oh, why, my
fellow citizens, should we send our money to the sunny shores
of Manila [for hemp when we have the raw material, and a
superior quality of the article, on our own sea shore 1—I ask
you why1? and pause for a reply " (a voice: "You won't
get one.")
"You cannot tell me why—no more can I; but I can tell
you why we should not. I will demonstrate to you how ropes
of a superior quality can be made out of the sand on Washport
Beach. Let me ask you to follow me, and suppose you are
taking a walk on the beach; almost the first object you observe
N
i;8
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
is a piece of decayed tow, impregnated with salt and sand.
Yon take it up, and you examine it, you find it contains certain
properties; for instance, it is pliant, either hard or soft—you
have entered the vegetable kingdom. You pass on, and meet
that noble animal the donkey; you examine it also, and you
find it is possessed of all the properties of the fibre, but some¬
thing more, it is ' elastic,' and you are introduced into the animal
kingdom. A step further, you take up a handful of sand
and minutely inspect the grains, and you find there all the
properties of the vegetable fibre and animal compound, but
something more, that is, mineral growth and durability—
(tremendous applause). Then you will observe it is precisely
the same colour as the finest Manila hemp. jSText you find,
fellow citizens, it is dry—ah—that is, when the tide's out—ah
—yes—then it is very dry—very dry." (A voice : "So am
I.") " And further, when the sand is thrown on the rocks by
the tide it sticks to them like grim death to a barge pole—
(great cheering). And lastly, fellow citizens, supposing the
ropes to be now made, they are better adapted, on account of
the material of which they are constructed, to withstand the
action of wind, rain, sea, sun, and moonshine, not to mention
the artificial element of fire, and once made will last for ever
—I repeat it, fellow citizens, for ever and a day, and be used
afterwards in binding the sheaves of sinners in the next world."
In this strain did Mr. Spekeup harangue the assembled
multitude for the space, of two hours, notwithstanding constant
interruption from the wags who had come to make sport of
him. And I am not sure who is to be commended most, the
lecturer, for his patience in delivering the oration, or the
audience, for their patience in listening to it.
Thelect ure was published in pamphlet form and circulated
gratis all over the town, and by inserting a few cheap advertise¬
ments, Mr. Spekeup succeeded in defraying the cost.
SPEKEUP, FINANCIAL AGENT. 179
A few days afterwards the local newspapers contained the
following prospectus :—
The Washport Consolidated Sand Bope Manufacturing
Company, Limited.
Capital £100,000.
Directors.
Baron Grunt, Chairman.
Count Hoffman. Saml. Pickwick, Esq., Junr.
Saml. "Woolly Intellect, Esq. Major Frubbisher, S.A.B.E.A.
Bey. Thomas Morris Hughes. Timothy Gutterpup, Esq.
Chump Chucklehead, Esq. Sir Bichard Clodhop Chop.
Charles Clam Chowder, Esq.
Bankers.
Sir Bickard Banner Oakly & Co.
The City of Glasgow Bank.
Secretary, Treasurer, and Manager.
Jeremiah Spekeup, Esq.
Registered Office.
5, Gin Lane, Washport.
Solicitors.
Bub & Snub, Stinkchester.
Pinch & Skin, Washport.
Pick & Steel, Qimpool.
Prospectus.
The object of this company is to supply everlasting ropes
for use on sea and land at a very low rate, made from the sands
of the sea shore. The company have secured a valuable patent,
the property of their enterprising secretary and manager, vdio
in an able lecture on the subject, now published in a pamphlet^
has beyond all doubt proved the adaptability of the sands inr
the manufacture of ropes; and so on, and so on."
n 2
i8o THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
The same paper announced a meeting of shareholders to take
place at No. 5, Gin Lane (Mr. Spekeup's office) that day week.
On the day arranged for the meeting Mr. S. was got up with
especial care. His front, collar, and tie were perfection; his
hoots well inked—not having any blacking; his clothes brushed
to a nicety, so much so that you could see your face in his back;
his sharp, foxy eyes twinkled and wandered in all directions as
he sat in his office, which was carefully dusted and more neatly
arranged than ever.
Twelve o'clock struck—a knock at the door, and Putty's boy,
who had been hired for the occasion, arose according to instruc¬
tions "and opened it. Baron Grunt was the first to arrive, and
Mr. Spekeup rubbed his hands with glee in anticipation of
having a tete-a-tete with his lordship—he being a man after his
own heart, and, in addition to that, a man that could be
trusted (?).
Mr. Spekeup motioned the Baron to a seat, and saluted him
with "Fine morning, my lord?"
"Yes, very pleasant," said his lordship ; "but, by the by, you
might just take this opportunity of showing me that pretty little
fraud you were telling me of the other day."
"Certainly," replied Mr. Spekeup, pointing to the doors of
the safe. " Clerk's office and private office. There they are
before you."
His lordship was simply lost in admiration at Mr. Spekeup's
ingenuity, but was speedily brought to his senses by Mr. S.
addressing him as follows:—
" I say, my lord, you could not find it convenient to let me
have five shillings, could you? I'm just rather short of change
this morning."
The baron replied smartly, " I'm very sorry, but I came out
without any myself this morning, consequently I can't, otherwise
I should only be too delighted."
Mr. Spekeup then remarked, changing the subject, "Most
SPEKEUP, FINANCIAL AGENT. 181
unfortunate accident at the "YVo-Emma mines the other day, was
it not?"
" Yery sad indeed," replied the baron, "very sad—finding the
half-dollar in the ore I suppose you mean?" and, strange to say,
notwithstanding that both gentlemen pronounced it a sad
affair, they broke into convulsions of laughter, which, however,
were interrupted by the entrance of more directors and some
shareholders.'
Mr. Spekeup immediately set about accommodating his visitors
with borrowed chairs, and when they were all seated commenced
to address the meeting.
He said, " The object of this meeting is, I presume, too well
known to all present for me to explain. In fact, I may take it
that if you were not all acquainted with the object of the meet¬
ing you would not be here."
This last utterance being intended for a joke, the directors
smiled, but the other shareholders failed to see the point of it.
Mr. S. was in the midst of a minute description of the process
of converting Washport sand into ropes—a specimen of which
lay on the table in Putty's bag; not the rope, but the sand—
when a knock came at the door.
Putty's boy arose and opened it, whereupon his big sister,
Venus, who had a very dusty and smutty appearance, entered, and
said, " Thodoras Putty, father says you must go home at once."
"But, Venus," the lad urged, "are you going to stop here
instead?"
"Hot I," replied she, indignantly. "What should I do that
for?" and, cutting short any further resistance, she lifted him up
by the seat of his trousers, and conveyed him outside. She then
returned, and, catching sight of the bag, seized hold of it, and
scattered its contents all over the table, saying, "Look here,
Mr. Spekeup, father wants this, and he told you yesterday to
bring it back."
Mr. Spekeup waited until she had retired, and then mumbled
something about " Beastly impertinence, familiarity," &c.
182
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
At this point Mr. "Woolly Intellect innocently remarked to
Mr. Spekeup, " Had we not better adjourn into the clerk's room,
where we shall he free from interruption1?"
"Oh, no!" said Mr. S., quite alarmed; "that is quite impos¬
sible. I am sorry to say as they are very busy to-day, and being
nearer to the street would he liable to more interruption."
" Suppose we go into the private office," suggested Mr. Clam
Chowder and Sir Richard Clodhop Chop together.
" Oh, that is far too small," rejoined Baron Grunt, for which
he was rewarded by an eloquent look from the unfortunate
Mr. Spekeup.
The Rev. Mr. Hughes remarked, " Perhaps we might get into
the 'safe.' It seems large enough, and we should at least he
safe there."
This being meant for a joke, the whole company laughed
loudly and long, and when they had finished Baron Grunt re¬
plied, "that it was a good size, hut hardly capacious enough to
accommodate the whole meeting." This being satisfactory, the
meeting resumed.
Baron Grunt arose, and was about to move a resolution, when
lo! another knock was heard at the door, which was followed up
by the entrance of Putty, who did not wait to he invited.
Mr. Spekeup, at this apparition, turned very pale, hut pulled
himself together, and informed Mr. Putty in a dignified tone
"that he was intruding upon the meeting."
"Meeting he d d," replied that gentleman. "I want my
money, and I'll have it, too."
Mr. Spekeup's visage turned to an ashy hue, and, looking
round at the faces of his directors and shareholders, quietly
remarked, " This is an impertinent fellow come to collect a paltry
account."
"Impertinent, eh?" interrupted Putty. "I'll make you sing
a different tune shortly, though."
"Please retire, Mr. Putty," despairingly said Mr. Spekeup,
SPEKEUP, FINANCIAL AGENT. 183
" You are interrupting this meeting very much; it is not only
me you are annoying, but all these gentlemen present."
This was followed up hy Baron Grunt, who said, " Your
conduct, sir, is most ungentlemanly. Leave us to our business."
But this had no effect whatever upon the inexorable Putty,
who now opened the door and whistled, upon which, according
to a preconcerted plan, Mr. Spekeup's creditors all trooped in
one after the other, numbering in all about six or seven.
Baron Grunt tried to overawe them in his stately manner, but
failed, upon which that nobleman left, and was about to be
followed by the rest, when Mr. Putty placed himself in front of
the *door, and informed them there was going to be some fun
before the meeting broke up.
During this time Putty's big girl, who was one of the party,
was endeavouring to prize open the " safe " with her father's
chisel, but failing to accomplish that task, she commenced to
chisel most vigorously at the woodwork, which, being soft, offered
but little resistance, and the " pretty little fraud" was soon
exposed to the astonished directors.
The first shareholders, who up to the present time had had
but little idea of the actual state of affairs, now began to tumble*
in all directions, drawing a very natural conclusion that a con¬
cern with its head office fixed up in this style must evidently be
rotten at the heart, nor were they very far wrong.
Having invested considerably in this bogus company, their
rage now knew no bounds, and they joined with Mr. Spekeup's
creditors in demolishing the "deed press safe," "sanctum," and
"clerks' office."
" Was there ever such an impudent, diabolical fraud as this!"
asked one victim.
"You would not give your clerks a single day's holiday until
the concern was complete—eh 1 solely in our interest—eh 1"
* Yankee for realize.
184 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
sarcastically said a grinning, red-faced grocer, who had invested
a hundred pounds in the scheme and promised his wife a new
dress on the strength of the first dividend.
The inexorable Putty then came forward, and confronted Mr.
Spekeup, in a menacing attitude that nearly shrivelled him up,
said, " How, they do say, Mr. Spekeup, as that you are a very
good liquidator. Is not that so ?"
"Ye—s," groaned Mr. Spekeup, feebly.
"And is there any foundation for that ere report?" continued
Mr. Putty.
" I believe you are correctly informed," stammered Mr. S.
" Then it's very strange you cannot liquidate my little hill, sir,"
added Putty, " and the little hills of these gentlemen present."
Having delivered himself of this sage remark, and not re¬
ceiving a satisfactory rejoinder, he swooped down on Mr.
Spekeup, tore off his collar and front, and exhibited them
amidst the laughter of all present.
The tide of wrath now took a turn and vented itself upon
Count Hoffman and the Kev. Mr. Hughes, who were accused of
being accessories before, after, behind, round about, and in, the
fact.
These gentlemen protested their innocence in vain; they
were besmeared with soot, ink, and gum, from head to foot, and
when the supply of these articles had been exhausted, they were
pummelled unmercifully.
Mr. Putty then proposed, and Mr. Cheeserhind seconded,
" That Mr. Spekeup should be forthwith ducked in the town
sewer." This motion was unanimously carried, amidst the con¬
fusion which prevailed, and would have undoubtedly been carried
into execution, but that gentleman had availed himself of the
opportunity to take his civil hook.
Straightway a large party, speedily joined by the police, were
in hot pursuit; but in vain. A boat was found to be missing
from its moorings, and that accounted for the kernel in the nut.
SPEKEUP, FINANCIAL AGENT.
Mr. Spekeup, be it known, still retains bis motto on bis coat
of arms, " Make or Breakand is now a refugee citizen in tbe
United States and a bloated banker in San Francisco, advertising
millions of dollars to lend.
Another unfortunate accident happened at tbe Wo-Emma
Mines, which resulted in the collapse of Baron Grunt. Count
Hoffman never showed his face in Washport again; but he got
into a mess shortly after leaving that town; and it transpired
that he was of no ac-count at all, but only a common swindling
tramp, and he is now undergoing a sentence with another " lan¬
guishing nobleman in Dartmoor prison."
The Rev. T. M. Hughes also left that part of the country,
leaving his wife there, but shortly afterwards turned up again
somewhere else with another, or somebody else's, wife, when
his little game being discovered, it turned out that he had several
wives, and he was obliged to decamp from there.
186
FAITH, HOPE, AND CHARITY.
The competition amongst the various tradesmen in Stinkchester
is very keen, as is the case elsewhere; hut so much so here that
the smaller of them who have strictly confined themselves to
carrying on their original legitimate business are being rapidly
crushed out of existence by the larger and more enterprising
ones, who, instead of confining their trade operations, as in
former days, to one particular line of wares, have branched out
in all directions for the disposal of every description of goods,
to the injury of a large number of dealers in specialities.
Among other large houses of this class is the well-known firm
of Jewis and Co., who, in addition to their magnificent estab¬
lishment in this city, illuminated with the electric light, have
several branches, all got up on a no less magnificent scale. It
is, however, not the branches I am about to treat of at present,
but the Stinkchester establishment merely. They have a custom
there, which I observe has come into vogue in many other
towns of England, viz., that of giving away a present with certain
purchases, an infinite variety of articles—their number is legion.
Eor the purchasers of Jewis's tea, there is a large assortment
of the useful and ornamental to choose from, so much so that
they are absolutely bewildered in the selection, and thus a con¬
siderable delay in business occurs while the parties are making
up their minds as to what they will accept on the particular
occasion.
To avoid this, Messrs. Jewis and Co. tried the plan of adver.
FAITH, HOPE, AND CHARITY.
tising specialities, such, as "mirrors," "sofas," "pianos," &c.,
&c., and various other articles, large and small, with which to
adorn the drawing-room, bed-room, &c.
In accordance with this plan, the following advertisement
made its appearance above the Leader of Public Opinion in Stink-
chester:—
"Purchasers of 12 lbs. of Jewis's three-and-sixpenny tea are
now being presented with 'The Three Graces.' "
I drew the attention of a lady friend of mine to this, who had
hut a few days previously informed me that she was anxious to
possess the ornamental and ideal representation of these three
virtues, and she accordingly commissioned me to purchase the
tea for her, and to order the whole to be sent to her house, re¬
marking at the same time, "that Mrs. Bumfum had got some
pictures there, and that they were really too too charming."
I did as she requested me; but judge of her horror on the
following day when the butler opened the case and took out of
the straw, in presence of Mrs. Bumfum and an admiring circle
of acquaintances, three elegant little chambers, of chaste work¬
manship, on which was elegantly inscribed respectively, in letters
all of gold, the words—
" Paith, Hope, Charity."
188
THE TAMATAVE INCIDENT.
Much surprise was experienced at the manner in which Mr.
Shaw, the missionary at Tamatave, sent out by the London
Missionary Society, was treated by the French admiral while
conducting the naval and military operations against that part
of the island of Madagascar.
It was feared at first the firm—not to say menacing—attitude
evinced by the Home Government on the matter would lead to
an open rupture
But the correspondence which took place between Captain
Johnstone, Admiral Pierre, and Sir John Pope-Hennesey re¬
specting the matter (which has now been published), tends to
explain the change of attitude adopted by the English Govern¬
ment with regard to the same, and which we are shaiv is very
satisfactory.
The French and English officers appear to have conducted
their correspondence in a somewhat heated frame of mind; and
had it not been for the dignified moderation displayed by the
Governor of Mauritius, it is greatly to be feared that the naval
representatives of the two countries would have involved their
respective governments in serious complications.
One cannot, however, help admiring the pluck displayed by
the captain of the Dryad, and it is pleasant to reflect that the
reputation of the British navy is perfectly safe in his hands.
Admiral Pierre's account to the Governor of Mauritius of the
alleged spreading of poisonous food before the French soldiers in
Mr. Shaw's house is to be shaw very amusing, and shaws that that
THE TAM AT AVE INCIDENT.
189
distinguished officer, in addition to his other merits, was gifted
with an extremely fertile imagination.
It appears that when the Trench picket entered Mr. Shaw's
residence they found several bottles of wine. There is no
evidence adduced that they were invited to partake of these
luxuries, hut they seem to have taken French leave, and appear
to have made very free with the contents thereof. So much so,
in fact, that they fell into what Admiral Pierre euphemistically
described as a state of lethargic intoxication.
In other words, they became dead drunk—a condition which
is one of the invariable consequences of taking too much malt
liquor.
This of itself would tend to shaw that, among other require¬
ments for the conversion of the heathen, the necessity of wine
was not unheeded.
The French authorities, however, refused to believe that their
countrymen carried their liquor so badly, and accordingly Mr.
Shaw was arrested on a charge of attempting to poison the
French soldiery—an accusation the groundlessness of which has
just been proved by the fact of that gentleman having been
acquitted by a court-martial, there being no evidence against
him.
Apropos of the above, we are reminded of more than one
incident of warfare in which missionaries achieve more greatness
and fame in history by association with war than by their legiti¬
mate mission work.
Notably, that of Abyssinia, which led to the memorable utter¬
ance of King Theodore, when a missionary presented himself in
his kingdom—" I know you. First you send a missionary, next
you send a consul to look after the missionary, and then you
send an army of soldiers to protect the consul."
190
HOW TO KEEP A HOUSE SELECT.
I used to stay at the Royal Oak, in George Street, Dunedin,
along with several other press-men. It was not often that any¬
one outside our circle proposed to take up their quarters there,
either temporarily or permanently, hut, when they did, we
generally managed to get rid of them—our great aim being to
keep the house select.
To do this we had recourse to various strategies, such as
working upon their feelings and exciting the fears of the would-
be inmates by hinting to them that the house was haunted, and
describing the blood-curdling apparitions that were wont to fre¬
quent the corridors and rooms during the silent hours of the
night, after the iron-tongue of midnight had struck.
One plan we had, was to converse in audible whispers of a
horrible scheme to rob the house and murder its inmates.
Sometimes we would remark, " Beastly nuisance those
plumbers and painters coming to-morrow morning at four turn¬
ing us all out of our beds." We were pretty successful on the
whole in keeping out those who did not enlist our 'patronage
and suit our fancy. And the landlord, not unwillingly humoured
us—we being good customers—with the assent, "Well, gents,
them as don't suit you don't suit my house, so you need not fear
to put the ' kybosh' on them as interferes with your comfort."
One night a respectable looking, elderly person, whom we at
once put down as a nuisance and a possible hindrance to our
comfort and enjoyment, came in and asked for a bed. The boss,
as was usual on a new arrival, introduced him, showed him
Ho. 6 room, and awaited our verdict whether he was to remain
in the house or not.
We decided that he should not, and accordingly, about
eight in the evening, when all were seated in the smoke room,
in hushed and horrified whispers we conversed about the last
apparition seen in Ho. 6.
Old Jack Miller bent down and let his hat fall on the floor, to
convey the idea that his hair stood on an end at the remembrance,
HOW TO KEEP A HOUSE SELECT. lgi
and groaned, "It was awful! fearful! terrible! Twenty years
this night have I lived in this house, and once a month, as sure
as fate, has that spirit of some departed, murdered wretch—
murdered in a drunken brawl in this house—driven out the
doomed man who slept in that room, and then roamed all over
the house, uttering the most heartrending shrieks, while the
blood trickled from his headless trunk."
At this point we all joined in a chorus of exclamation of
" Horror of horrors ! Oh!—oh!"—shuddering, our knees knock¬
ing together, our feet stamping the floor, in visible dismay.
It was all to no purpose, however; it did not take, for the
stranger arose and said, " I think you made a mistake, friend,
for it's only nineteen years since this house was built."
"You are right, sir," said Jack; "Yes, nineteen years—
nineteen years to-night! (shuddering)—nineteen years to-night,"
—muttering and repeating the same ejaculation until the
stranger again interrupted him:
" But you are wrong again, friend, it won't be nineteen years
until the first of next month."
"To be sure," remembered Jack, excitedly, "but no matter—
no matter," muttering most solemnly and repeatedly, " Nineteen
years on the first of next month," and then he subsided, as if
extinguished by the terror-stricken recollection of the fact.
It was Joe "Willis's turn now, so he remarked, " Be that as it
may, but there is a ghost here, and he will appear to-night—
that's certain. And I have a great mind to go and stop at the
Glasgow Pie House, or somewhere, for," continued he, " I don't
want to see him again; and, besides, the plumbers and painters
coming here at four o'clock, and raising such a din and clatter.
I'm not going to be disturbed at that hour anyway."
The stranger totally ignored this last bugbear, and quietly ad¬
dressed Jack Miller as follows : "If you are so frightened of this
alleged ghost, I'm surprised you have stayed so long in the house."
"Very true—very true," replied Jock. "Yes, but I like the
house—I like the old house," and subsided again.
192
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
We then winked at each other, and another group was
instantly formed in another corner of the room, conferring
together silently, hut audibly, and apparently were unfolding a
mysterious plan for surprising the inmates and plundering the
place at midnight.
Bill Fowler whispered quietly hut audibly, " Lowe, have
you got your jemmy 1"
"Yes."
"And your wrench?"
"Yes."
I then whispered to Joe Willis, "Where did you put the
crowbar and 'the pistols?"
"They're all right," said he; "never mind, I can lay my
hands upon them in a minute."
Jack Saunders struck in,—rattling the coppers in his trouser's
pocket,—in an undertone, informing us he "had the keys of the
till."
At this the stranger rose and went out hurriedly, and we
rejoiced at the supposed success of our manoeuvre,—we thought
we had bested him—you bet.
About half an hour afterwards, while we were still enjoying
ourselves with much merriment over our victory, a detective,
well known to us all, entered the room and desired to speak
with the " boss," and no sooner had he left than a sergeant of
the police and six constables came in, along with the stranger,
approached each of us and successively touched us on the shoulder.
It turned out that the stranger was himself a detective from
the Horth, and had gone and reported the whole of our sus¬
picious conversation at the police office.
We endeavoured to explain it was all a hoax, hut it was of
no avail, and we were all marched off to the police station and
locked up for the night.
Next morning we did our best to explain matters, hut we had
to undergo the disagreeable ordeal of being hound over " to keep
the peace for six months."
193
ECCLESIASTICAL SCANDALS.
It is always a mournful fact to dwell upon, when anyone occu¬
pying a respectable position in society, be he aristocrat, middle
class, or a leader and teacher in Israel,—a man looked up to for
sage counsels, wise teachings among his fellows of the third
estate,—when he lowers himself by crime and disgraceful con¬
duct, degrades his holy office, so as to make himself an object of
loathing contempt, not only amongst his equals, but amongst
those who are his inferiors, both in position and intellect, over
whom he has exercised a commanding influence.
" When he falls, he falls like Lucifer."
In all professions and trades alike these cases are productive
of evil—mournful—baneful. But in none so much as that of a
preacher of the gospel—a heralder of truth, an ambassador of
religion.
When a minister of the gospel strays from the clear path of
rectitude, it not only affords great opportunities for the enemies
of the Church to hurl their stinging darts, but to further their
own diabolical machinations, at once exercising a most baneful
influence over the minds and morals of the ignorant portion of
the community. In all ages hypocrites have lived and flourished,
and it were better far for the prestige of the Church and the
morals of mankind that they should now, as formerly, descend
to their graves unexposed, unmourned, unknown. It were
better far that the silent mantle of death should be drawn
o
194 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
around them 'midst the halo of sanctity, leaving them to receive
their punishment in the next world, than that the veil should he
drawn aside, disclosing to the view the hideous polluting canker
behind.
'' The Devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek;
A goodly apple rotten at the heart;
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath !"
No one, of course, he he an uncultivated hoor or a man of the
sturdiest intellect and refinement, can fail to feel great satisfac¬
tion at such men being punished to the utmost rigour of the law
notwithstanding. But as I have already said in the case of the
Church—a Messenger of Light forsooth,—the exposure of those
whose mission it is to expound the truth and unfold the sacred
Banner of the Cross to their fellow men, and who are proved
guilty of crime according to all law—whether civil, or ecclesi¬
astical, or both,—tends to lower the morals and weaken the
faith of the ignorant, and he certainly deserves the most repre¬
hensible judgment meted out to him.
I cannot say whether it is because the standard of morality
among the clergy at the present time has become more reduced
than formerly, that clergymen are more frequently found erring,
or whether it is that the law is now so much more impartial,
and all classes so much more enlightened. I say I do not know.
But I am convinced that it is on account of the latter; and, in
addition, am inclined to think that the status of clerical morality
never stood higher than it is to-day.
Strange to say, however, there are not wanting facts which
flock together, day by day, of such a nature as to almost destroy
one's belief in the fabric of a Church at all. Quite recently
Society has been shocked to hear of a series of felonies com¬
mitted by gentlemen of the black cloth and white necktie, a
few of which it will not be out of place to insert here.
The first of these was Canon Beynard, accused of having
ECCLESIASTICAL SCANDALS. 195
absconded from Belgium with Church Bunds. He was arrested
in the United States of America, and taken hack to Belgium,
where he was brought to take his trial, but acquitted through
some informality. The general impression of the public, how¬
ever is, I believe, the same as mine, that he was guilty.
We have all a right to express an opinion as to whether a
man acquitted of a charge in a court of justice was guilty or not,
—but nothing more. I will therefore pass to some cases in
England.
The Kev. Theodore Muckahilow Priggs, Clerk in Holy Orders,
is apparently a man whose acquaintance ought to be cultivated
by all persons interested in the study of human depravity.
The story of this reverend " gentleman's " life, as given by the
newspapers, will bear no comparison, but rather can only be
contrasted unfavourably for him, with that of any unreverend
blackguard that ever I heard of.
There is nothing monotonous about his exploits ; on the con¬
trary, there is a charming freshness about his blackguardly
achievements that fills the heart with rapture and lightens up the
soul with exuberance of cheerfulness.
It is alleged, that in 1866, when at Prickem, he gave it out
that he had been married at the registrar's office to his land¬
lady, an attractive widow possessed of means, besides further
riches not to be despised, in the shape of two young daughters—
even more attractive than herself.
After having carefully circulated this report, he applied to the
vicar of Holy Trinity Church, Prickem, to be re-married in
accordance with the ritual of the Church of England ; and a
special license having been obtained, the marriage ceremony was
performed by the vicar.
In 1873, Priggs became curate of Clampden, Dunberryshire,
and in the following year he undertook the curacy of Piggsburgh,
Whentshire, and removed there with his wife and two step¬
daughters. Soon afterwards he appears to have given way to
o 2
196
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
drink, and what afterwards transpired, in consequence of legal
proceedings, it seems that shortly before going to Whentshire he
seduced his step-daughter, Fanny Maria Black. A child was
born in 1875, which was the result of this intimacy, while she was
staying at an hotel in Ardeen—Priggs being there with her and
passing as her husband.
The child died, and Priggs obtained a registrar's certificate by
false pretences. For this he was tried, convicted and sentenced
at Piggsburgh, in July, 1875, to five years' penal servitude.
Having obtained his release in 1879, he went to Brumigem
with his wife, and became chaplain at Stoneworks in 1881.
In February of the latter year he induced the daughter of a
working carpenter to marry him at St. Jude's Church, Largh
Heath, near Birmingham. In October, 1882, he became curate
in charge of Prickinhole, in the absence of the vicar the Rev.
Samuel Brown; and of course he soon made a favourable
impression upon the congregation by his eloquent and irreproach¬
able conduct. Such a man could not do otherwise.
After the return of the vicar in April last, ominous rumours
respecting Mr. Priggs reached his ears. At first the curate met
these reports imperturbably, and indignantly denied their truth¬
fulness.
Subsequently, however, other rumours of a similar nature
attracted the attention of the vicar, who now determined to have
a thorough investigation of the whole history and antecedents of
the curate, but he was anticipated by the sudden disappearance
of Priggs from the vicarage with the cook.
The woman was confined of a child about a month ago, and
it is added, the second wife was so terribly shocked at the
desertion of the man, whom she believed to be not only her
husband, but a deity on a pinch, has since become deranged.
Taking tfiose little circumstances altogether, what a heaven of
purity, and innocence, and spirituality of thought, is enshrouded
in the private life of these latter-day saints !
ECCLESIASTICAL SCANDALS.
197
It must be perceived that the Rev. Theodore Muckahilow
Priggs is a very nice man indeed, and that his eareer is
thoroughly avell worth the attention of the followers of the
Church.
It is furthermore a circumstance well calculated to arouse
the enthusiasm of the fervently religious public, that the reverend
gentleman has been arrested by the Garston police, in a house
where he was supposed to be living with the cook, with whom
he had eloped from the vicarage of Prickinhole.
It is refreshing to learn particulars about Christian martyrs.
I have read Poxe's book right through and I was somewhat
short of further edification then, but now
The case of T. M. Priggs has afforded it, and has caused me
to feel just as much regret as I felt over reading about the other
martyrs.
One likes to hear occasionally there are even people worse
than oneself, and especially if the others are of the parson type.
Therefore it is I have dilated so freely on the case of the
Reverend Theodore Muckahilow Priggs.
The Rev. Fitzroy Black, of Jimpool, incumbent of St. Jude's,
is another gentleman who has by his recent conduct qualified
himself for the society of any unblushing licentious and besotted
blackguards.
Taking advantage of the unrighteous clause which permits
clergymen to retain not only their reverential title in the priest¬
hood—heaven save the mark!—but their livings too, this reverend
gentleman has violated not only the laws of the Church, but the
laws of morality and decency, having been found roaming about
the streets of the city—to a portion of the citizens of which, he
ministers to spiritual comfort—in a beastly drunken condition,
and in company with disreputable women.
What then, it may be asked, can be expected of the morals
of the uncultivated, on beholding their spiritual pastor and
master, whose duty it is to raise the to:re of their daily thoughts,
198 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
permeate their daily life with a healthy sentiment, and to bring
their actions within
"The beautiful restraints of morality,"
by exhibiting in himself a living embodiment and standard of
the bright and shining orb of Christianity instead of lowering
himself to—nay, beyond—the level of the most degraded brutes.
Yerily, verily, these are
"Lights that do mislead the morn."
And how are these reverences punished for their offences?
Simply suspended from their ministerial functions for three
years. During the whole of that time he may draw his salary
all the same. All he has to do is to employ a hard-working
curate to do his work, for a pittance, scarce adequate to keep
soul and body together, while he may spend the remainder of
his substance in eating and drinking and riotous living. And,
when the term of suspension has expired, just as the Rev.
Morris Hughes did, on completing five years' penal servitude,
return once more to his faithful flock and uphold himself from
his pulpit as a model of propriety, virtue and truth.
One has reason to rejoice, however, that these errors of the
priestly character are not confined to the Anglican Church.
How it is the Roman Catholic Church. In the same town, a
priest embezzled church funds, borrowed money from a higher
dignitary, and then eloped with somebody else's wife.
Another Roman Catholic priest embezzles church funds and
abscqnds. He is next heard of at a hotel with a young lady of
prepossessing appearance, who on investigation turns out to be
the wife of a brother ecclesiastic; borrows money of the hotel
proprietor, then takes his departure with his female companion.
After this he turns up at Dublin and obtains a sum of money
from a gentleman by means i false pretenses, and winds up by
getting arrested.
What is the meaning of it all? Are the foundations of the
Churches laid rightly ?
199
CLERKS' WAGES.
These luxurious bloated animals known as clerks, it would seem,
are far too well paid, and it is a great bane to them.
As a proof of this I insert an advertisement recently published
in a Lancashire paper—
"Wanted a clerk. Wages ten shillings a week—hours six
to five."
The advertiser seems to imagine that the proffered salary is
extraordinary, and so do I.
It seems to me that ten shillings a week is far too much for a
man who toils from six o'clock in the morning until five o'clock
in the evening. It appears to me that the offer of such a sum
is equivalent to throwing temptations in the way of the
individual who is fortunate enough to get the situation,—
inducements to the committal of vice such as no mortal ought
to be allowed to bear with.
How is that man to get through his money in the time
allotted to him 1
Of course he can't spend anything in the morning before he
goes to work, since he has to start at six, and it is equally
certain that he will be much too tired after eleven hours work
to do anything but to go to bed and sleep. The thing is pre¬
posterous; anyhow, the people who offer that gorgeous prospect
to a fellow mortal, ought to be everlastingly ashamed of them¬
selves, for placing such pressing temptations in the way of a
poor weak fellow mortal. Why, even an angel would be bound
to go under, in the face of such provocation to vice: and as to
the clerk, I cannot see that there is any chance of salvation left
for him anyhow, if he accepts that gorgeous opportunity of
distinction, unless, indeed, he at the same time takes on the
captaincy of a Salvation Army corps, in which case, notwith¬
standing the extra thirty shillings a week accruing therefrom,
he would of course be preserved from contamination with the
misguided sinners of the world?
200
THE BATTLE 0E FULLBOROUGH.
I said that when at Fullborougli I saw the Salvation Army
and the Skeleton Army confronting each other, and preparing
to do battle, I returned to my hotel, and so I did, hut I sub¬
sequently received from an eye-witness who got jammed up in
the crowd, a full and true account of the dire conflict which
that day occurred. It is as follows :—
Finding it an utter impossibility to extricate myself from
the crowd, and finding that in addition I would be required to
side with one or other of the contending parties, I made up my
mind to stick to the force that was getting the best of it.
Presently, a red bottle-nosed besotted looking wretch, whose
face and clothes soap had evidently long been a stranger to,
mounted on the shoulder of his comrades, and in a squeaky voice
informed the multitude, " I am General Stink, the general com¬
manding the militant division of the east of the Skeleton Army,
of which the following contingents have come down to fight
to-day on the plains of Fullborough, with you miserable canting
dogs styling yourselves Salvationists :—
"1. The Brewers' Own Besotted Boozers' Brigade, led by
Captain Beerswiller—unreformed, thoroughpaced black¬
guard, formerly Gaffer of the Chaingang at Millbank.
"2. His Satanic Majesty's Own Double-distilled Spalpeens,
washed in the seething waters of the Styx, commanded
by Captain Rapem— a Lady Killer.
" 3. The Chronic Drunks, commanded by Captain Soaker.
' 4. The Creamguards of the Police Courts, commanded by
THE BATTLE OF FULLBOROVGH.
201
Captain Walkup—who has made his two thousandth
appearance at Bow Street.
" 5. The Thirstyeth Bums, commanded by Captain Lousy—
the Patriarch of the Workhouse.
" 6. The Dead Beats, commanded by Major Marinestore.
" 7. The Polluted Amazon's Brigade, commanded by -, a
Dirty Sycorax.
"8. The Devil's Own Liglitfingered Tramps, commanded by
Captain Shoplifter—an Impenitent Thief.
" 9. Beelzebub's Own Household Lucifers, commanded by
Colonel Strikealight.
" 10. The Besotted Blackguards, commanded by Captain
Whiskeystill.
" 11. Satan's Own Delirium Tremens Horrors, commanded by
Captain Jim Jams."
By this time another crowd was seen approaching from the
opposite direction, habited in silk hats, high collars, close meet¬
ing in front, and armed with eyeglasses. They certainly were a
motley crew, and presented a most grotesque appearance. On
asking who these might be, I was informed by one of their
number, who was chewing a toothpick, " Aw—ah—they are
Unsalvationists and Smashers. I am, aw—General Clam, com¬
manding the militant division of the east of Unsalvationists and
Smashers, and we are here to-day to aw—preserve the peace,
aw—and give all you blackguards a dem good thrashing. I
have under my command the following companies:—
" Bradlaugh's Own Pruits of Philosophy,commanded by Major
Besant.
" The Incorrigible Scamps, commanded by Captain Toothpick.
" Hell's Hounds let loose, commanded by Captain Phizgig.
" The Postive Haw—Haws, commanded by Captain Cigarette.
"The Too Toos, commanded by Captain B. and S."
At this point a rocket went off, and also about a dozen squibs,
and receiving a very dirty fist in the mouth, I became aware
202 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
that the fight had begun, and that I was being forced forward
with the front rank of the Salvationists.
The confusion caused by the Bahel tongues and sounds of
affray was indescribable. Insane women were howling snatches
of idiotic hymns, pulling the hair and scratching the faces of
other brazen-faced and degraded females who were revelling in
unheard of outbursts of blasphemy. Squibs, crackers, &c.,
were going off in all directions; rotten eggs were plentiful, and
every now and then a great stream of water from an upper
window would knock down and demoralize an entire regiment.
The hats of the "mashers" were badly mashed, who, on account
of their untidy appearance presented by their dinged hats and
soaked collars, were the first to leave the field.
Having no badge myself, I fared very badly, being attached
by partisans of all factions. I was soon set upon by three in¬
furiated women, who got me on the ground, pulled all the hair
off my head and face, spat on me, and danced a war triumph upon
my stomach, all the while singing, " Oh, how I love Jesus."
I did not come to my senses for some time after this, hut
when I did, I discovered I was in a police cell. Hext morning
I was placed in the dock in company with a dilapidated masher,
a hangdog looking Salvationist, and another blackguard belong¬
ing to some other denomination—what, I don't know. I was
fined 15s., with the option of going up for a week, hut on
what charge I could never make out. Perhaps the police knew,
hut did not like to make a too definite charge, and say what
they knew, for they had been roughly handled and were conse¬
quently in a had humour. It was reported that they had got a
"clue" to the disturbance (meaning me), hut, as is usually the
case, did not retain possession of it very long.
203
A MODEL LODGING- HOUSE.
Previous to my sailing from the Tail of the Bank, on one
occasion, I was spending the night in Greenock. I had taken
all my luggage on hoard the ship, and proceeded to the theatre
with some friends. Not having secured a lodging for the night,
and it "being too late to get a hoat to the ship, I was forced to
content myself with very mean accommodation—the hare recol¬
lection of which causes me to scratch myself. I went to the
"bed with a shudder, and, notwithstanding the fact of my being
very tired, I could not sleep a wink, for he it known, I was not
alone. In the morning I told the landlord, in very choice and
eloquent language, that the bed was unclean, and contained
insect life to a pretty considerable extent.
To this he indignantly replied, " Sure, sur, hit that cannot be,
fur I slipt in it myself last noight, and the noight before that,
there were three highly respectable Irish young ladies and their
grandfather from Belfast in it."
WHAT A LIE!
I used to go to school in St. Chandrew's in the South of Scot¬
land, which is a great place for that pastime known as "golf."
Our preceptor was a worthy, long-faced, puritanical-looking
Presbyterian of Baptistical views.
He was a very worthy man, and took care of the moral as
well as the intellectual and physical growth of his pupils, and
when any lad was found guilty of telling a falsehood he in¬
variably received a most unmerciful thrashing. Smoking, read¬
ing hooks with yellow covers, writing home letters clandestinely
2<H the vagaries of a vagrakt.
wliich had not been dictated by the master, whistling or smiling
on Sunday, all these were heinous offences, and were visited with
condign punishment; but none were so severely reproved as
lying.
Mr. Fraterson, our worthy preceptor, was very fond of relating
anecdotes to his boys, of which he had a good store, but which
were not only very stale, but very stupid and pointless.
On hearing these stories we were supposed to laugh appro¬
vingly, and ejaculate," Oh my—just fancy that now—marvellous,"
&c., &c. Stronger language than that was, of course, forbidden.
Sometimes, however, an unfortunate, on seeing Mr. Fraterson
pointing his eyes direct to him as if to indicate where the smile
came in, did so accordingly when the ejaculation oh—my good¬
ness—&c., was only intended. For this he would get licked.
One day some little boys were reading aloud the Battle of
Inlcerman; he suddenly stopped them, and related the follow¬
ing anecdote:—On the day after the battle he said he had been
on the Links playing golf, that there were a great number of
people playing golf that day, and that he had noticed how
thickly the balls were flying about, and remarked to his adver¬
sary, " I should think it was something like this at Inkerman
yesterday," when a gentleman turned round, and touching him
on the shoulder, replied, " Yes, friend, you a^e quite right, for I
was there."
He had no sooner ceased speaking, however, than he perceived
he had made a pokestoke.
The boys were all flabbergasted, and but a very few of them
found courage to shout, oh—ha, ha—in suppressed tones. Most
of them, however, ejaculated under their breath, " Oh, ivhat
a He!"
Mr. F. then broke down in attempting to make a very feeble
joke, and left the room amidst roars of suppressed laughter.
20j
SCOTCH PIETY ABROAD.
Hypocrites are not scarce, unfortunately, in any country, and
Sabbath-loving, law-abiding Scotland is, I am sorry to say, no
exception to the rule. Hypocrisy is a vice at all times to be
loathed, but in my opinion never deserves to be so much depre¬
cated, as when the monster appears arrayed in a sober black
suit, long hat, longer face, white necktie, with the whites of the
eyes turned up heavenwards, and hands held up instinctively in
the same direction.
I must, however, in justice to Scotland, admit that those
gentry are no more numerous there than they are elsewhere; in
fact, relatively, in proportion to the population, far less so than
in other countries I could name. It is when they go abroad
that Scotchmen, who (whatever they were before) become rank
hypocrites, and, I am sorry to say, that in America and our
colonies by far a greater number of hypocrites flourish and
fester, not a few of whom have hailed from the North of the
Tweed, and belonged to the Presbyterian Churches.
"When I first went out to New Zealand, I had a letter of in¬
troduction given me by an old man who had supplied my family
with milk for many years to his sister, whose passage he had
paid to that country in the earlier and more prosperous days of
the colony. On bidding him farewell, he said, "I have written
to her twenty times asking her for assistance, but she has never
sent me any yet. I knoAV," continued he, " she is very well off,
for her husband left her all his property, which was worth a
good few thousand pounds."
He further requested me to speak to her on his behalf, as he
was afraid a letter would have no effect. This I promised, and
made up my mind on landing to keep my promise.
I had no difficulty in finding the residence of Mrs. Sand,
which was, to say the least of it, gorgeous. I found that she
was well known and widely respected for her many good
qualities. Her name appeared at the head of every subscription
206 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
list in aid of charities, and it was commonly reported that
she had paid the greater part of the cost of the new kirk at
Blue Island, where she lived. In ascertaining these facts before
I ventured to call upon her, most people whom I met were
simply delighted in talking about the good, sanctified, pious old
lady, enumerating her many virtues. I also met with her sons,
who were all men in a large and prosperous way of business,
owning some of the richest land in the country. They were of
course elders of the Church and Sunday-school teachers. I told
them about their uncle in the old country, hinting only to them
that he was rather badly off. They did not at first remember
ever having heard of him, but subsequently had just a dim
recollection. "Poor old fellow," said they; "what is his
address?" I gave it them—they knew it as well as I did—and,
on receiving it, consigned it to their pockets, and—kept it there.
In due course I called upon the old lady, and presented my
credentials along with my message. She received me very
graciously, gave me a cup of tea and a muffin, and introduced
me to three ministers, who happened to have called about the
same time as myself. I did my best to broach the subject of
her brother's claims and necessities on that visit, but with little
success.
She informed me she had some years back offered him a farm
were he to come out and join her;—she might have added with
truth that her husband had got the land for nothing, and fur¬
thermore, John was then and still a confirmed invalid, and could
not stand the fatigues of a voyage; knowing which she made
the generous offer from the fulness of her heart.
I saw it was fruitless to tackle her on the subject that day,
and determined to await a better opportunity, and not to leave
her alone until I had heard from John that my efforts had been
successful.
I called again and again, and on each occasion I was favoured
with an elaborate account of some charitable work upon which
the worthy lady was engaged, but, I am sorry to say, was
SCOTCH PIETY ABROAD.
207
unsuccessful in accomplishing the object of my mission. Some¬
times she would feign deafness, at other times indisposition, and
so on. Ultimately, when she saw that I persisted in boring
her with the subject, I was informed by the domestic when I
went to call that she was not in. What, therefore, was her
piety worth 1 The Lord deliver us from such charity. She had
evidently inverted the teaching of St. Paul, " And now ahideth
FAITH, Hope and Charity, hut the least of these is Charity."
There was a leading cabinet maker in Simaru with whom I
frequently did business. He was also an elder of the Church,
and every time I called at his place of business, or he at mine,
he would broach the subject of religion. He frequently used
to observe, " I've never seen you at the kirk yet, Mr. Cheeser."
" Ho," would he my reply, " I don't belong to your Church.
I am a Bush Baptist."
He would then have the impertinence to tell me that I was
nothing of the kind, and that, being a Scotchman, it was
utterly impossible for me to belong to any other denomination
than that of the Presbyterians.
I had not the slightest objection to this, because it did not
hurt either my feelings or my pocket. But it gave me a
spasmodic qualm of horror to think that a countryman of my
own, and an elder of the National Church, to which I belonged,
should cheat me out of hve pounds while he was rivetting my
attention on an impressive sermon he had heard the Sunday
before, and which fact I discovered in counting my change after
he had gone out, but too late to remedy it.
That sort of conduct or religion is bringing Presbyterian
elders down to the level which I hope as a body they will never
come, viz., that of the Salvationists, who lure strangers and
pilgrims into their meetings, and while hurling hymns of praise
at the gates of heaven, with dilated eyes and nostrils, and faces
as long as bass fiddles, are putting their hands in their victims'
pockets and relieving them of their contents.
2o8
WHOLESOME ADVICE.
The city of Aberdeen is a representative city of Scotland. It
is very old fashioned for its size and importance, antique in its
notions, jealous of any southern innovations, and therefore a
little behind the times. Some of its peculiarities are un¬
doubtedly drawbacks; others again are unquestionably most
beneficial, such as the absence of Jews, dynamiters, and
" peculiar " people of every description.
There is a very old story told of a Jew (which no doubt
everybody has heard) who went to the Granite City with a
million of money to speculate, but who had to tramp back to
the other side of the border penniless, subsisting on the
hospitality of the kindly country folk, whose warnings he had
disregarded.
It is a notable fact that Jews and Irishmen find no resting
place for the soles of their feet there. Should there happen,
through accident or ignorance, one to arrive there, they never
remain very long, as the incident I am about to relate, which
is extracted from the Daily Pree Fress, will show.
"At the police court, yesterday, Alexander McDoodle was
charged with assaulting an Irish labourer, named Pat O'Eudge.
Pat, who appeared in court with two black eyes and a swollen
face, deposed that prisoner and he had met in a public house in
the Shiprow, where they had a dispute about the height of the
town-house spire. McDoodle struck him in the eye, and, in¬
stead of kicking him like a man, mauled him with his fists."
BailieGeeson discharged the prisoner, and then addressed the
prosecutor thus:—
WHOLESOME ADVICE.
209
"If you'll take my advice, young man, yon will leave tliis
town. I do not wish to throw a slur upon any nation what¬
ever ; hut your countrymen have been so troublesome of late,
and disturbed the peace of every community they have located
in, and committed crimes and depredations of the most diabolical
character, thus making themselves unpopular, with all sensible,
industrious, and well-behaved people. How, in this city, we
are a peaceful, industrious, and law-abiding people; consequently,
you will not fail to see it is no place for any of your country¬
men ; no one is likely to employ you here, therefore, I would
advise you to leave as quietly, and as quickly as you can—as
for my own part, I should not like to be responsible for your
personal safety."
Patrick then left the court, thanking the bailie, and has not
been heard of since in the Granite City.
2io
MES. COOK.
My maternal grandmother used to have a rather handsome,
buxom wench of a cook named Betsy Eiggs, who was ultimately
married to a banker's clerk in Dundee. John Cook—for that
was his name—found that his salary, which did not go very far
when he was single, was still more insufficient to maintain two;
so they put their heads together and resolved to emigrate.
Many years after, when I went to New Zealand, I found
them settled in Simaru.
John is now the manager of a leading hank, and reputed to
he a very wealthy man; at all events, he keeps what in the
colonies is considered a very grand establishment. I never went
to call upon them, nor did I ever meet them at anyone else's
house.
Subsequently, however, an old schoolfellow of mine, who had
gone out to the colonies before me, and had taken a sheep farm
in Queensland, came over to New Zealand on a trip, when, upon
hearing from a mutual acquaintance that I was there, he came
to see me. He had several letters of introduction—among
others, one to the Cook's.
They were giving a small " hop " about this time, and know¬
ing that I was fond of this kind of entertainment, he being in¬
vited, without consulting me, asked with colonial freedom, if
he might bring his friend Mr. Cheeser with him.
Mrs. Cook loftily replied, "No; I am afraid not. You see
he belongs to the Angler's Club, and all that, you know; and
he was fined for furious driving the other day, along with
Captain Mole. No ; I am afraid he would hardly do for our set."
This was related to me, and I was inexpressibly amused at
her loftiness, and said, "Tell Betsy Cook that I am greatly re¬
joiced to hear that she is at present in such comfortable circum¬
stances, and having heard on most reliable authority that she is
a very good plain Cook, if she is ever in want of another situa¬
tion, I will have great pleasure in recommending her to my
friends."
211
THE GREAT FIEE IH STUAET STREET, DUHEDIH.
The night of the February, '82, will he long remembered
in Dunedin.
There had been a big spread, not to mention a big spree
which followed, at both of which a number of the representative
men of the city and others were present, I being one of the
others.
Fires are by no means an uncommon thing at this day in
Dunedin; no, nor in any other part of Hew Zealand,—insurance
policies being now so easily obtained.
The block of buildings which was burned on that occasion,
was constructed of wood, and the property of the Church.
At the time of the catastrophe I am told the rents of this block
were very high, and were then, and had been for a pretty con¬
siderable period before that principally or solely occupied by a
number of single ladies of a very festive turn of mind.
There were four houses in all, joined together, and by reason
of the harmony and conformity of ideas which prevailed among
these ladies, they had doors communicating from one house to
the other. One of the ladies, in the central house, was a Miss
Kate "Walker, a peerless Amazon of seventeen stone, who was
the acknowledged queen, and ruled her subjeets with a bar of
soap.
Ladies, as I had occasion previously to remark, are a scarce
commodity in Hew Zealand, and this excellent lady whom I
have just mentioned, being of a very philanthropic school and
tendency, puts herself out of the way to pander to the tastes of
the sterner sex, and actually goes to the expense of a trip to
Europe every now and then for the purpose of inducing eligible
young ladies to emigrate to that country, and I must say that
her task is excellent.
One night in Hovember, '82, was unusually cold for Dunedin,
and a nasty drizzling rain was falling. I mean that which is
commonly known as a Scotch mist, and which, strange to say
p 2
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
seems to follow Scotchmen wherever they go, and to he more or
less frequent, according to the number of these gentry staying in
the place. It is supposed that one of the fair damsels, who had
a great many visitors that night,—a number of the gentlemen
having adjourned there for a spree after the conclusion of the
spread,—having partaken rather freely of phiz and other beve¬
rages, began to get rather jocular, and endeavoured to extinguish
the gas by throwing her shawl over it. This, it is alleged, was
the cause of the conflagration. Be that as it may, the building,
which was well insured, was soon in flames, and blazed up like
a matchbox saturated with paraffin, and cast a tremendous glare
all over the city.
This was about four in the morning, and the firebells rang
out a merry peal, to the tune of which the police retreated in
the opposite direction.
The scene in Stuart Street was grand and weird, and
consisted of disconsolate, scantily clad ladies and gentlemen
running in all directions.
The whole block of buildings was levelled to the ground
before the arrival of the firemen, so these gentlemen amused
themselves by treating its late inmates with a shower bath,
which afforded them the liveliest satisfaction; at least, one would
have supposed so from the capers they cut. The ladies had
time to save but little of their clothing, not to mention their
jewellery, which latter is supposed to have melted down, an
accident, by the bye, which nearly befell Miss Walker. She
escaped, however, and was eventually rescued shivering in a
corner, with nothing on but a wash-house boiler which was
carefully manipulated.
Gentlemen met each other in the street next morning, and
greeted each other thus: —
" That's my coat you've got on."
" Well, those are my trousers you have on," would be the
reply.
THE GREAT FIRE IN STUART STREET. 213
They would then agree to say nothing more about the matter,
and adjourn for a drink.
Underneath is an illustration of how B. Cheeser arrived home
at five o'clock a.m., cold, tired, and wet.
MY FIRST SHAYE.
As a youth, I had a great ambition to possess a fine moustache,
and spent a great part of my pocket-money in stimulating that
particular capillary growth by purchasing drugs and compounds
sold by swindlers, warranted to renew the hair on an old trunk,
or even make hair grow in fact upon a deal board in one night.
I was not successful, however, but was fortunate in meeting
with an honest druggist. I asked him what he could recom¬
mend as the best thing to make hair grow luxuriantly on the
face, and he frankly replied,
" Well, the only thing I know of is a ' razor,' by frequent
application of which you are bound to obtain a fine moustache
in time; though," added he, " it does not act so quickly with
214 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
some as with others," which latter recipe, I have since found
to my advantage.
I thanked him for his advice, for which he did not charge
anything, and when I went home I thought deeply over his
words. I ascertained that the lowest price at which I could
procure a razor, was one shilling. Now, as I did not possess
that sum, I mustered up courage to call upon a barber, whom I
learned would give me a shave for a penny. There was not
much business doing when I went into the shop, but, as. usually
the case with one of that fraternity, the artist had a number of
friends in, gossiping with him.
I approached the big chair, with a beating heart,—for was I
not about to sacrifice the product of years of careful cultivation,—
but I fancied I saw a huge military ornament in the distance,
so I sat down. The barber eyed me for about fifteen minutes
in silence, as if he was waiting for the hair to grow, as the
saying is, and at the end of this time, I, not having the courage
to speak, was about to beat a hasty retreat, when the barber
approached me, and having politely inquired " What he could
do for mel" " I want a shave," I replied, blushingly.
On receiving this reply, he looked utterly flabbergasted, thun¬
derstruck, and retreated towards the door of the back shop,
which was open, the while beckoning me to come that way.
I followed him, and when we were inside, he closed the door,
placed his hand on my shoulder, and looking right into my eyes,
queried, " Faur wis'tl"
" Where was what!" I replied.
" The hair," said he.
I then explained that it was on my face.
" That's aw rught," said he, " I thought it mught be some¬
where else;" he respectfully conducted me back to the front
shop, and treated me to the new sensation of my first shave,
telling me to come every day, and for whieh he declined to
receive any remuneration.
215
MUCHLY-MARRIED KENT.
The following is an extract from the Shipcanalchester Chronicle
of September 13th, 1883 :—
" A mixed up bigamy case was tried the other day at Oldcastle-
on-Slime, when a gentleman named George Kent, a miner by
profession, was proved to have committed bigamy by marrying
one Jane Clayton, another of his wives being still alive. It was
then shown that Miss Clayton knew of the existence of the first
Mrs. Kent when she aspired to play the role of the second
Mrs. Kent. And it was further shown that Mrs. Kent
Number 2 was contracting her second entrance into the matri¬
monial state in marrying Mr. Kent, as she had been previously
married to a man who was then cohabiting with a woman who
ought to have been his second wife."
Thus far the family relationships of these marriageable indi¬
viduals was fairly interesting, hut on a further investigation an
almost boundless flight of further complications were revealed, for
it appeared that Mr. Kent has married a third wife this year, the
two previous consorts being still alive, and his third wife's conjugal
relationships being as much mixed up as theirs, she having been
married previously to the Rev. Morris Spughes, also still alive,
and in prison for bigamy. There is no knowing where the story
would have ended had the investigation been pursued, but the
magistrates of Oldcastle very justly declined to enter any further
into the immoral details, and, as I think, the magistrates were very
well advised to forbear from entering upon such an endless realm of
216 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT\
multiplied marriages and pastures new. I will, therefore, spare
the reader also, and pull up short at this point.
Mr. Kent has been committed to take his trial at the
Assizes, and if the judge there can only he made to understand
what the specific charge against Mr. Kent really is, he will he a
prodigy of English law, and that muchly-married Mr. Kent will
come in for a fair share of the penalties and pains of abusing
such a sacred institution. There is hope for him, however, in
the fact that no average intellect will he able to fathom
thoroughly the intricacies of this complicated case, and hy the
time that two or three English judges have been driven to
lunatic asylums by reason of the painful consideration thereof,
it is more than likely that the authorities may see fit to discharge
Mr. Kent, in order to get rid of him and his multiple marriages,
upon which it is but natural to suppose, seeing that he can with
impunity indulge his favourite tastes by marrying again another
lady whose husband is going through the same ceremony with
somebody else's rvife at the same time.
217
MRS. O'RORKE.
It lias been my lot to meet many strange men, and yet stiL
stranger women. But of all the human curiosities it was ever
my privilege to fall in with I must award the palm to
Mrs. O'Rorke. This lady was certainly a study in petticoats.
It was on board the steamship City of Boston, bound from
Fall River to Hew York, I made her acquaintance. My atten¬
tion was attracted to her by the extraordinary,appearance she
presented to my astonished gaze. Her hair, which was of the
deepest black, was thick and matted. Her face was of the
brightest scarlet, mottled with mahogany wrinkles, that would
have done as a model of antique carving, into which was fitted
two large green rolling orbs, and a very wide gash where the
mouth should be, armed with tusks that would have done credit
to a young elephant. She was short, fat, of the beer-barrel
order of architecture, and was clothed in a bright green dress
and body, and wore a headdress having a strong resemblance to
a Salvation Army regulation bonnet, which looked very much
out of place upon her enormous apex. She was seated, or rather
squatted, on a coil of rope forrard, smoking a short clay with
great apparent gusto.
How as soon as I saw her, it struck me that she was an
" original" piece of furniture, in appearance at least, if in
nothing else, so I made up my mind to draw her out if possible
and pondered the best means of going about it. I came to the
conclusion that whiskey would be as likely an agent as any
other to produce the desired effect, as she certainly had all the
appearance of one who by no means was a stranger to that
potent beverage. My conjecture was correct. I accordingly
went down to the ship's bar and brought up my flask well
replenished with "rye," and also my cigar case, in which were
some prime Keywests that would have gladdened the heart of
even an Alfred Toicnscnd.
I then approached my wished-for lady acquaintance, and,
218 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
after sundry bowings and genuflections, remarking at the same
time on that most prolific of all subjects—the weather—"that
there was every appearance of it being a fine day were it not so
cold," I sat down alongside of her.
She vouchsafed me no reply, so I produced my flask and
requested her take a smell of that. This had the desired effect,
and after we had both taken a pull at it, and she was blowing
away at one of my weeds, she grew quite confidential, and
launched out into a history of her whole career in the following
rambling manner:—
" I was barn in Kilkenny, bit I lift there with my father
when quite a child. My mother was in jail at the time, and
I've never seen her since. We cum to Dublin after that, and
from there to Glasgow. I worked in a mill there, and got
married to a man in it. He went away from me to live with
another woman, and I went and lived with another man—jist
for spite ye know; (producing bottle) bit will ye put yer lips to
mine.
"Patrick cum in one day and found Hinrie wid me, and
turned him out of the house, and thin started to go for me, bit
he gat the worst of it himself, he did. He's got the mark on
his head still that I gave him with the coal scuttle. That's him
over there (pointing to her spouse)—the drunken haste. We
cum out here in the Furnsweeser, from Glasgow, an I was awful
bad on the road. There was a Avoman in the next berth to me
that was vera kind to us though, and she had tAvuo nice wee
gurls, and the ouldest one Avas a by. My eldest girl died about
a week after Ave cum out."
Gheeser: "What did he die of?"
Mrs. OR.: " Sure an he died uv a Thoorsday."
Gheeser: " Hoav long is he dead?"
Mrs. OR.: "Sure, sur, an had he lived till next Thoorsday
he'd have been dead a fortnight."
Gheeser: "And hoAV long ago is that, mam?"
Mrs. OR.: "Sure an 'twill be sux Aveeks tumurro."
MRS. ORORKE.
219
Gheeser: "How many more girls have yon got1? "
Mrs. OR.: " Twuo more, sur, and ther both on em firemen on
a steamer."
Gheeser: "What does your husband do now, mam?"
Mrs. OR.: "Sure, sur, an he drinks."
Oheeser: "I can see that very well by his present condition,
but has he no means of getting a living?"
Mrs. 0'R.: "Yes, he gets a very good living at the free
lunch bars—divil a bit does he get ilse."
Gheeser: " But does he do any work at all?"
Mrs. OR.: " Divil a bit more than he can hilp."
Gheeser: "He looks a strong, hearty man."
Mrs. OR.: " Sure an he's a daisy, bit he's lazy."
I then remarked "that the decks were much drier now," to
which she replied, " Verra thrue, and there's more than the decks
that way."
I took the hint and produced my flask, she having finished
her own bottle.
I then took leave of her, and presently she came running
after me, displaying extraordinary agility for one of her bulk,
requesting, in ardent tones, " that I would let her have my flask
to give her husband a pull," he being very bad and wanting just
a hair of the dog that bit him.
I complied with her request, and despatched an acquaintance
after her to watch her proceedings,
He came back with the report that she had gone forrad, con¬
cealed herself behind a pile of luggage, and raising the flask to
her lips had emptied it at a drain. Just after receiving this in¬
telligence she came aft herself, returned me the empty flask, and
apologised for the drunken baste having consumed the whole of
its contents.
After this little episode, I had great difficulty in preventing
her from walking to and fro on deck with me, and was greatly
relieved by seeing her step ashore blowing great clouds of smoke
from one of my cigars.
220
FEIGNING DEATH.
A woman, named Mary Cart or Sheriff, belonging to Greenock,
recently feigned death in a most surprising manner in the Dun¬
fermline police office. She had been apprehended on a charge
of drunkenness, and, during the night, was very restless, repeat¬
edly showed signs of intense suffering.
In the morning Dr. Torris, the medical officer of health, was
sent for, and on examination he gave it as his opinion, that she
was dead; and had been for several hours. So skilfully had she
assumed a death-like appearance, that arrangements were about
to be made for conveying her body to the mortuary. On a second
examination, however, the doctor and Mr. Steward, superin¬
tendent of police, detected some slight signs of life. Notwith¬
standing this discovery, the woman maintained a rigid appearance
for a considerable time; and, it was not until a galvanic battery
was spoken of, and the primary steps taken for holding a post
mortem examination that the dead patient tumbled, and rose to
her feet. She then coolly proceeded to walk round her cell, and
partook afterwards of a hearty breakfast; at the conclusion of
which she had the lively satisfaction of seeing a van arrive to
convey her body to the mortuary. On being put to task to
explain her conduct, she stated " that she had been on a big
drunk for a week, and felt very much inclined for a ' hair of the
dog that bit her;' and she had heard that when people were
prostrated with alcohol, it was a common thing to pour a gallon
of whiskey down their throats to ascertain whether they were
dead or alive. But," she added, with a sly wink at the doctor,
who looked very diminutive, " it was time to let up though
when it came to the boojee racket and the post snortum."
2it
OK SAILORS.
We hear on all sides groans of complaint of the mtich oppressed
working classes.
Some of these are made not without cause, for, as the old
adage puts it, "there is never smoke without fire."
Before the days when Peel spoke, and Dickens wrote, there
were certainly good grounds to cry out for the redress of grie¬
vances. But it is my opinion that the working man of to-day
has hut himself to blame for the majority of the evils which
beset him. He has allowed himself to be exalted into the
hero of mendicant politicians, and cheap newspapers, who have
1 ned him with the silly watchword " Down with the House of
Lords and Hup with the working man," and such miserable
trash.
In some cases of course, it is true, some hundreds of factory
hands are thrown out of employment, on account of the supply
of the article manufactured by them being greater than the
demand.
On the -other hand, how frequently is the suspension of
business and industry, directly traceable to " strikes," influenced
by mercenary wretches, who foment the disturbances by means
of mob orators, and trade union "stumps," who style them¬
selves "friends" of the working man; but who, like so-called
patriots (?) of other countries, stalk abroad like howling wolves
in sheep's clothing, and grow rich and fat upon the credulity
a id ultimate misery of their victims?
This, fortunately for the W. M., cannot last long; as educa¬
tion is now making such gigantic strides, and that in the march
of intellect, it is more than probable, the next generation of the
son s of toil will be far too enlightened to give their ear to the
counsels of these adventurers.
But it is not on the grievances of mechanics and labourers I
222 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
wish to enlarge—they having many abler advocates than I,—but
on those of a class of men of whom I know more of, and who have
far more need of redress.
I allude to the hard-working, hard-living, and hard-dying
sailors, to whom, along with their brethren of the red coat, a
recent writer tendered gratuitously this excellent and sympa¬
thetic advice: "Work hard,—live hard,—die hard, and, you'll
be rewarded in h——
It has become a more common thing of late years to take up
the cause of the sailors, but, I am sorry to say, the majority of
those who write about them know little or nothing upon the
subject of which they treat. The reason is obvious; people
who live on shore, and a great many who now and then take a
voyage in the luxurious saloon of a transatlantic steamer, have
but a crude notion of how these men live.
Some few legislators have endeavoured to improve the condi¬
tion of these men, but with little success. Samuel Plimsoll was
the only one, for many years back, who accomplished anything
important in this direction; he certainly effected a great deal.
But bribery and corrupt negotiations between ship owners,
captains and consuls, are still so very common, that it is not
at all an unusual thing for the " Plimsoll mark " to be shifted,
and it is next to an impossibility (with rare exceptions) for
British or American mercantile Jack to obtain justice in foreign
ports.
It must be conceded that sailors are a very degraded set of
men. But why?
In Quebec, Pensacola, and many other ports I could name,
when a ship is laid up for repairs, or otherwise delayed, the
sailors are put in jail to save the expense of sending them to a
hoarding-house. The favourite topic of at least two-thirds of
the forecastle yarns is, the internal arrangements of the various
jails they have been in, in different parts of the world, and what
they ate there.
ON SAILORS.
223
They have no self-respect beyond a pride in their vocation;
they are also intensely ignorant on all subjects not connected
with ships, and what makes this all the more marked is, their
idea that they are the most enlightened beings under the sun.
They entertain the notion that those who are unacquainted
with ships, as a natural consequence must be fools, and their
idiotic attempts to take off intelligent passengers are truly
deplorable to witness, resulting merely in making the most
egregious asses of themselves.
Yet, " what's the odds so long as they're happy?"
In making these remarks, I bear no malice to Jack, on the
contrary, I am very kindly disposed towards him, sympathise
with him, and would very much rejoice to see and assist any
movement having for its aim and object, the reformation of
sailors—the amelioration of their sufferings.
At sea, Jack can never call an hour his own; whether it be
his watch on deck, or his watch below, he may be called upon to
come on deck at any moment through stress of weather.
That, of course, is not in the "power of human hands to
remedy; but, one would think that the bloated shipowner could
afford to expend a little more upon the forecastle, which, in nine
sailing ships out of ten, is not a fit place for human beings or
even beasts to live in. And, poor as Jack's fare is, many
captains do not scruple to league with the steward and cook to
cheat him out of as much of it as they can, for the sake of a
paltry profit which will thereby accrue to themselves.
Jack is no sooner ashore than he is beset by land-sharks, male
and female, who leave him not until he is bled of all his scanty
and hard earned wages. In fact, the quarters in most large-
seaports where Jack lives while ashore, are populated solely by
what are known as "sailors' robbers," and when any person,
male or female, actuated by philanthropic feelings, goes among
sailors ashore, he or she is generally insulted, Jack being under
the impression that everyone ashore is alike.
THE POET LAUREATE'S ANNUAL.
.. Cheeser being the Poet-Laureate of Bookitap, in 1865,
composed the following New Year's Carol for the Courier,
at the same time apologising to Alfred Tennyson, Esq. (for
having composed the original of which he is about to be
raised to the peerage), for which he received, in recognition
of his contribution to the poetic lustre of that journal, a
Leather Medal.]
I stood on a tower in the wet,
The old and new year met.
The waves Avere roaring and blowing—you bet!
And I said I'll do a get.
Oh! years, that meet in tears,
If ye have not aught that is worth the drinking
Snoring enough and Avinking,
But naught that is Avorth the drinking.
Tears from my eyes Avere floAving,
My thoughts to the grog shop rushing.
The old year Avas puffing and bloAving,
And the neAV year Avas bloAving and puffing
225
INCONTESTIBLE EVIDENCE.
A man named John Smellie was recently charged at the Edin¬
burgh Police Court with being drunk and disorderly.
Now, John was loud in his protestations of innocence, and
called several witnesses to prove the falsity of the charge.
One of these, however, in the course of his examination
deposed " that he had been in company with John 011 the day
in question, and they had both lain down together on John's
bed to sleep. On awaking therefrom he (the witness) had, to
his great astonishment, discovered that John had somehow or
other divested himself of his drawers, without cutting them, or
removing his hreeks,* and, as he further remarked, " this was a
problem he had ever since been trying to solve." On hear¬
ing this, the magistrate said " that it was unnecessary to call
any further evidence, on either side, as he had already arrived
at his decision." Addressing John, he said, "If you had been
an Irishman I could have believed that you did what the last
witness has testified to your having do lie while sober, but, as
you are not one, I am convinced that you were drunk, and that
the charge is clearly proven,—you will therefore go up for thirty
days.
* Scotch for trousers.
Q
Z26
SHIFTING A SLIP.
The Eev. Joshua Limp was a very hard-working little curate,
with a large wife, and numerous family. His parents were
honest though poor, and had succeeded by dint of hard scraping
and flint-scarifying, to give Josh a decent education. Now, as
I have already remarked, Josh was a hard-working curate, and
in addition to this, as is not unusually the case, a very badly
paid curate as well.
In consequence, he had recourse to various means of increasing
his slender income, such as writing for the magazines, teaching,
lecturing, &c.
He had a little natural talent, but he owed his success to hard
study and close application rather than to this ; as for the most
part, what he did he did mechanically, more especially as his
mind was occupied by so many considerations. Now, Josh was
in the habit of writing his sermons, lectures, &c., after the
newspaper fashion—upon single slips. It transpired one day
he was very much put about with the noise made by his children,
and three young pupils, hoarders. And, on remonstrating with
one of these, he was very insolent, whereupon his reverence
chastised him with a trunk strap.
The lad wept bitterly, and, on being condoled with by his
companions, remarked, "Never mind—it's all right—I'll have my
revenge."
Mrs. Limp, a very matronly woman, anointed the disturbed
part with " smack ointment," with which salve, it was currently
reported and believed in the parish, she used frequently to soothe
SHIFTING A SLIP.
227
her husband's " affections." The neighbours had nicknamed it
"Limp ointment," and uncharitably said it accounted for the
Limping logic of the curate's sermons. Anyway, the distressed
youth could not see the force of this particular logic, for it had
every effect hut that of mollifying his irritated —.
This all happened on a Saturday night. The little fellow lay
awake premeditating some direful plot, until he was convinced
that everyone had retired. He then arose, and, being winter,
he would have shivered were it not that he was warm. He
listened,—all was quiet. He cautiously opened the door,
descended the stairs, lit a match he had purloined from the box
of his preceptor, and entered the sanctum sanctorum of that
gentleman. Presently, he came up stairs, went back to bed and
slept " the sleep of the just made perfect," with a warm hide.
Next day Josh was delivering an eloquent discourse on John
the Baptist, whom he likened unto a "shining light in the
wilderness," when he astonished his hearers by announcing the
fact—
" That this light which was now generally acknowledged to be
far superior to gas, was about to be used not only in lighting the
streets as formerly, but the interior of public buildings, such as
theatres, churches, courts of justice, public bars, and he ultimately
believed would be utilised on board ships and in private houses."
Goodness only knows how long he would have proceeded, but
just then the gas went out, and the place was plunged in
darkness.
Q 2
228
CELEBRATION OF ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.
From time immemorial, it has been the custom once a year, on
the fourteenth of February, to send one's friends or enemies a
picture—sometimes handsome, sometimes ugbr, and sometimes
neither—which pictures are known as valentines.
Out west, however, an entirely new style is rapidly coming
into vogue, viz. to favour your friends with a suitable and
characteristic epitaph, suggested for their tombstones when they
shall have " shuffled off this mortal coil."
I experienced the liveliest satisfaction myself on the last Saint's
anniversary, while in Kansas City, by receiving a specimen.
It was from a benevolent old crocodile in sacramento. See below.
The above was
very gratifying,
being both unique
.and original, espe¬
cially as it struck
me it would save
me the expense of
an artist's design
should I ever need
the above monu¬
ment.
I thought the
least I could do
would be to reci¬
procate the compli¬
ment, so I have
prepared one all ready for him on next Valentine's day. Here it is.
^THE THQUGMTojf who-;?,
I Lies is enough tomuhe-i
I You SpGW -J2""]!
iHewdS raised on t
Sour mash |o o La t o II
and SCOTCH Burdoo
iHelL liave to go Oslo
II, . Beco-use .
jne has not Leased
A PEW
Here Lies "Thomas R.Parks.1,1
Kind of L'd.rsThieves be j
&.sharks. ,
Born in. jo.il ■'!
i, DieDB/ROPe
k/LiO If e v*r Kne w f
THE PRICE OF SOAP.
229
MR. DUPE HAS A BAD FALL.
A terrible calamity happened in the Temperance Hotel one
morning. Mr. Dupe, a very good customer of the house, met
with a very serious accident, which unfortunately affected others
besides himself. He did not fall out of the window, up the
stairs, or down the chimney, nor yet into the fire. Ho ! he
tumbled to facts—facts concerning his dear friend Mr. Pecksniff,
in whom, up to the present, he had reposed the most implicit
confidence.
It was a very wet day, and the streets were certainly very
slippery. It is probable that Mr. Dupe was not the only gen¬
tleman who tumbled that day.
Pecksniff was seated in the smoke room, turning over in his
mind how he was going to raise a shilling for his bed that night
and the following night, for, be it remembered, it was Saturday,
and getting over Sunday was a matter for serious consideration
to that gentleman, as on that day it was next to impossible to
further negotiations. We will, however, leave Mr. P. for the
present to his meditations, and follow the footsteps of Mr. Dupe,
which wend their way to Salford.
Suddenly he enters Chapel Street, and fancies he sees some¬
thing familiar in a broker's window.
He crosses the street, and behold there is the identical costume
he purchased wherewith to grace Mr. Pecksniff's wedding.
He enters the shop with a firm determination to trace the
thief, when, to his great disgust and chagrin, he is informed the
230 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
goods were sold to him by a regular customer of theirs—a Mr.
Pecksniff.
What a spasm ran through Mr. Dupe's frame at the reve¬
lation, what a revulsion of his innermost feelings now took
possession of his heart, as he contemplated the hypocritical
deception his friend Pecksniff had practised upon him, and this
was only one of a hundred he might have yet to discover of the
dastardly hollowness of his friend. "Friend?" echoed he,
"friend no longer!" The thought was horrible, too fearful, to
dwell upon. He wailed and moaned inwardly for a while, and
pitifully heat his breast, then hastily hailed a cab (for he was
now too weak to walk), and drove rapidly back to the Royal
Goak. He ordered the cab to wait for him and his luggage, and
at once proceeded to pack up his belongings.
Mr. Smith, on learning that he was about to take his de¬
parture, visited him in his apartment, and ascertained the cause
of his immediate departure.
Mrs. Bones, on observing his grief, endeavoured to console
him with a cup of strong coffee flavoured with her sympathetic
tears, which she abundantly shed therein. But it was all of no
avail, Mr. Dupe drove off to the station in a fit of convulsive
sobs.
Pecksniff put to Confusion.
About half-an-hour after Mr. Pecksniff entered, and confronted
Mr. Smith with " Have you any of my cakes left?" Mr. Smith
replied, sarcastically, "I am not aware that we have any cakes
of yours, or anything else belonging to you. But the fact is,
you had better pay me that shilling for your bed last night."
Mr. Pecksniff smiled sardonically. "Well, the fact is Mr.
Smith, you will be sorry to learn that you will have to wait
until Monday now, as I was too late to get to the bank to-day,
consequently I shall have no money until then."
PECKSNIFF PUT TO CONFUSION. 231
Mr. Smith eyed him for some moments, then asked, "Are yon
aware that jmu have driven away another good customer, Mr.
Dupe, who, if he had not compounded a felony, would have had
you arrested for theft 1 It rains heavily, I perceive," continued
the irate manager; " hut it is my painful duty to inform you,
sir, that this roof will afford you shelter no longer—in fact, you
must shunt."
Mr. Pecksniff, now utterly flabbergasted, first looked black
and white alternately, then at the cold, pitiless rain, and the
lone, friendless street, stretching itself to the right and left as
far as the eye coidd reach. He then turned to Johnstone and
myself, and in a whining voice craved the loan of a mean, paltry,
contemptible sum of one shilling, whereupon both he and I
placed our hands in our pockets, but kept them there. Eeceiving
no response, but indifferent looks, he again directed his gaze to
the manager, who was holding his forefinger pointed in an un-
mistakeable manner towards the door, and simply repeated the
word, " git! "
With a look of despair, Mr. Peckniff left the smoke room and
our society for ever, and sallied out in the wet. He did not
require to trouble himself about luggage, for he had none.
Weary, footsore, hungry, thirsty, and wet to the skin, he
trudged, calling upon this party and on that,—none at home, all
the same—some had left fAe years ago, and consequently, when
the shades of evening began to fall, he was fain to wend his way
in company with a party of steaming tramps to—
The Night Asylum.
Stiff, cold, and still wet, he arose in the morning with the
consciousness of being in possession of something he was not in
possession of the evening before, which did not afford him the
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
liveliest satisfaction. He went forth and walked the wet and
sloppy streets until about eleven, when, having nothing better
to do, and being tired of walking about,—the rain falling still
and causing his thread-bare clothes to stick to his ribs like glue
or soup after cheese—he entered a church for the first time for
many years. The affecting words of the preacher caused him
to feel remorse, and he actually Avept tears of contrition as he
thought of the way he had duped his friends.
Then there Avas the extreme improbability of his obtaining
any dinner. What Avas he to do? Seeing no other refuge, he
entered the Free Library and remained until the close, Avliich
happened about nine.
With sIoav and solemn steps he Avendcd his Avay toAvards
The Ship Canal,
and Avith one parting look at the " Wheatsheaf" and the
" Eoyal Goak," he plunged into its inkv, stinky flood to rise
no more.
A ferv days afterwards his remains Avere picked up off the
Tuscar Light, and eventually being identified, the folioAving
epitaph, composed by the " Ariel" Avho cleans the boots and
windows of the hotel, now hangs above the mantelpiece in the
smoke room:—
PECKSNIFFS EPITAPH.
This is to remind us of Pecksniff junr. who
His own old carcase into the Ship Canal threw
On finding that 110 longer here he could stay
And that in Manchester and Salford he'd had his day.
We do not mourn for the deceased because
We loved him—but because we had a loss
Pecuniary; and yet withal our hours he beguiled
And oftimes at his liog-wash lies we've smiled.
On Sundays, when the closing hours drew near,
He'd remark t! jNow gents, you'll need to hurry if you
want to beer."
He dearly loved his beer, but most especially when
'Twas paid for with the coin of other men.
Oh mourn, Oh mourn, ye free lunch bars, ye penny
beers,
Ye cheap soup shops, for Pecksniff too shed tears.
Weep 011, weep on, ye widows old and fat,
Xo more will Pecksniff to you hang his hat.
For, having lost his last confiding pal,
He lies beneath the depths of the Manchester Ship
Canal.
234
EXPERIENCES OF A COLONIAL ADVERTISING
AGENT.
No. 3.
There is a great rivalry existing between the few manufacturers
of New Zealand, as elsewhere; but it is far more bitter in its
tone and mode of procedure.
Dunedin possesses, or used to possess, two firms of soap and
candle manufacturers, viz., Eroud Bros, and Gardsley & Son,
respectively.
I was speaking to the financial boss of the Bookitap Courier
on one occasion, about the various men I had touched for "ads"
when he asked me if I had ever touched Froud Bros. I re¬
plied " that I had endeavoured to do so frequently, hitherto
without success, but I had no intention of giving them up until
I was shot at; when," I added, "I always cheese it."
" Yes, you are a good cheeser, I know," remarked Tom, " a
good all round liar, and not a bad canvasser either."
I thanked him for his compliments.
"Yes, but knock off that spitting on the stove," said he, 'as
better men than you have gone out of this office on the palms of
their hands for that same racket, and listen, I will tell you
something to your advantage."
I rccordingly withdrew the quid from my mouth, drew up
my chair alongside of Tom, and told him "to open up his gash*
and fire away."
" Now, mark me," said he, "I have been talking this matter
over with Mr. Hill (the proprietor), and as we are rather hard
up for space, knowing you are a bit of a dab at writing puffs,
we have resolved to authorise you to promise a half column
article to anyone you can touch for a good ad."
A happy thought flashed through my brain like an electric
spasm. Tom, seeing by the expression of my counting house
that I was inspired, collared my pipe and left me to my medita¬
tions.
* Mouth.
EXPERIENCES OF AN AD VERRISING A GENT. 235
Next week, when I went to Dunedin, I made a point of
calling on Froud Brothers the first thing.
I got a column from them, and wrote a puff in the following
strain, for which I got five quid for myself:—
"A Visit to Froud Bros.' Soap Works.
" One day last week, while in Dunedin, I found time hanging
very heavily on my hands. I had come down from the North
for a holiday, and was under the impression I had seen all the
lions of the place, until a friend asked me, ' Have you seen the
soap works?'
" { The soap works,' said I, ' what soap works?'
"' Why,' said he, ' you say you have seen all the lions of
Dunedin, and not been to Froud Bros.' soap works. Don't
talk like that, man, or people will laugh at you and think you
are struck.'
" I replied, ' If the soap works are really as well worth seeing
as you indicate, I should very much like to go.'
<£ He said nothing more, beyond telling me to go and judge for
myself—giving me a letter of introduction to the firm. Armed
with this instrument, I called upon the ' Brothers,' and was
received by them most courteously and shown all over the
works.
" I shall ever esteem myself as under a heavy debt of gratitude
to my friend for preventing me from leaving Dunedin without
seeing this, one of its many interesting sights," and so on.
I then went on to describe minutely the internal arrangements
of the works, giving it as my opinion that the merchants and
storekeepers of the Colony made a portentous pokestake in con¬
tinuing to import soap and candles from Europe, when a far
superior quality of both these articles in abundance were manu¬
factured in the country, and that by encouraging local industry
far greater profits would accrue to them, and infinitely greater
satisfaction to the consumers at large.
I wound up with the manufacturer's cry, " Encourage local
industry," and subscribed myself A Tourist.
236 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
Visit to Gardsley's Soap Works.
Froud Bros, were simply delighted and flattered in the extreme
at my puff, and promised to employ me on future occasions.
The following week I was canvassing for the Oamaru Pre¬
varicator, and waited upon Gardsley & Son with a copy of
the B. C.
" Say, boss," said I, addressing the senior, "do you see the
hog-wash lies some clam has been writing in this measley old
rag 1" He ran his eye over the column, handed it me back in
feigned disgust, and ejaculated, "Well, I'm darned!" repeating
it several times.
I opened fire at once. " Vow, boss, look here ! The man that
wrote such hog-wash as that ought to be hanged; but whoever
they got to do it, it won't benefit them, for they have only laid
themselves open to being given away, and afforded you an excel¬
lent opportunity of advertising your business, and I should
advise you to avail yourselves of it."
" That I will," said he; "I see you are an intelligent chap, at
least you seems to be. Vow, if you are as smart as you looks, I
guess you can fix up an advertisement for me, makin game of
theirs at the same time."
"You bet I can," replied I. " I'll tell you what; I'm pretty
well in with the boss of the Oamaru Prevaricator, in fact I
write a little for them now and again, and if you'll make it
right, I'll just fix it up proper for you, and give it them hot."
He slipped a "fiver" into my hand and produced a bottle of Rob
Roy from the cupboard, the contents of which we discussed in
silence, the Avhile agreeing by sundry nods and winks " that we
understood each other—you bet." He signed the order for
the " ad." without scrutinizing it, and two days afterwards an
article signed ' ■' Another Tourist" appeared in the Oamaru Pre¬
varicator, setting forth the virtues of the soap and candles manu¬
factured by Gardsley & Son, and stating that the material used
by Froud Bros, was skimmed from the town seAver.
237
ILLNESS OF MICHAEL DAVITT.
The following is an extract from the Salford Tloodwinbr of
September 16, 1883 :—
" The Dublin correspondent of the Press Company tele¬
graphs that Mr. Davitt has been taken so seriously indisposed
from an acute attack of inflammation of the lungs as to necessi¬
tate the cancelling of all his Irish engagements. His medical
attendants hope, however, that he will he sufficiently convales¬
cent to enable him to undertake his extended dynamite tour in
England, Ac., in the course of which, among many other highly
interesting performances included in his repertory, are the
blowing up of the Houses of Parliament and knocking Liver¬
pool and Glasgow into Edinburgh. The tour is arranged to
commence at the end of the present month with the total annihi¬
lation of Birmingham and its inhabitants, lasting many weeks,
and the burning of the Manchester Ship Canal, recently
constructed at a cost of over one hundred and fifty millions in
excess of the original estimate. After this, it is presumed,
Mr. Davitt will have well earned his suspension, and rusticate
in, one of the remaining mansions prepared by H.M. Govern¬
ment for those who get weary even of wickedness."
A later telegram through Brooter's Agency says :—
" It will be a subject of general rejoicing that Mr. Davitt is
very much better, and that the symptoms of hempen fever*
which manifested themselves have for the present subsided. In
fact, he has sufficiently recovered to enable him to fulfil all his
engagements. We have also to announce the satisfactory intelli¬
gence that he is bracing up his nerves with his usual vigour, and
that he has just concluded a contract with the Government,
through his secret agent in London, for the supply of 120,000
tons of dynamite."
* Hangman's rope.
238
A MUCKLE HAKE.
Donkeys are very rarely seen in the North of Scotland, where
they are known as cnddies. Some years ago, when the Kev.
Macspeen was minister of Auchterskid, Inverness-shire, an
incident happened illustrating the fact I have just stated.
The minister had been to Stirling, and, while there, had bought
a cuddie for his bairns.
Jock Eraser, who leased a portion of the glebe lands, came
up to the manse one afternoon in a state of great excitement and
asked for "the loan o' the minnister's cairt." On being asked
what he wanted with it, he replied, " He had shot sicken a
muckle hare, that he would need a cairt to drive it home."
The minister was perfectly dumbfoundered, and for some mo¬
ments could not find words to express himself with. When,
however, he had recovered his equilibrium, he told Jock to yoke
A MUCKLE HARE.
239
the horse and cart and he would accompany him, as he was
very curious to see this wonderful hare Jock had shot that re¬
quired a cart to drive it home.
He then went into the house and told his wife and children
in a solemn manner, " that the Lord had worked a wondrous
miracle, and had put into the hands of Jock Fraser to discover it."
He continued, "You must all get ready to go with me and
hear witness to the wondrous works of the Lord."
The minister, his wife, six children, and three servants conse¬
quently formed in procession, led by Jock driving the cart at a
reverent funeral pace, for he was greatly impressed with the
solemnity of the circumstance.
They had not proceeded far before they were met by a number
of the parishioners going home to dinner from their work in the
fields.
240
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
The minister stopped the cart and procession, mounted a hay
stack, and availed himself of the opportunity to give them a
" seasonable" sermon forthwith. After a few words of intro¬
duction relating to the occasion, he gave it as his opinion " that
this was one of the signs and wonders spoken of in the Bible,
heralding the approaching end of the world."
The assembly gradually increased until, by the time the
preacher had consumed two good hours, it numbered four hundred.
When he had made an end of spouting, they sang a hymn
and prayed, then formed in solemn procession. On Jock in¬
forming them that they were approaching the sacred spot, they
all followed the example of the minister, doffing their headgear
reverently, and slowly approaching nearer, the while singing
praises unto the Highest; when, presently, was heard a sob
which, under the circumstances, struck terror into them ; but it
was only the weeping of one of the parson's children. "Our
new cuddie, our new cuddie is lying dead there behind that
dike."—Consternation.
-41
SCHOOL BOARDS AND THEIR CRITICS.
The extravagance in the designs of architecture and erection of
hoard schools has been most palpable ever since the Act was passed.
Now when this institution became authorised by Act of Parlia¬
ment, and the carrying out cf the provisions of the same were
entrusted to local committees of nobodies, it was to a certain
extent excusable that those who had never received the priceless
blessing of education;—now within the reach of all—should he
eaten up with a sense of their own importance on seeing their
names mentioned in the papers—probably for the first time—as
having been present at the meeting of the school hoard, and say¬
ing this thing and that thing, after the subject had, through the
kindly offices of the reporters, been doctored up and their most
ungrammatical utterances been made presentable.
This was no more than -one could expect; therefore, it was
not surprising they should, at this early date of their experience,
be lavish in the expenditure of other people'smoney, and revel in
the luxuries of Gothic and other styles of architecture to outrival
contemporary boards, altogether outside the meaning of the Act.
Now, however, as the bill has been in force for some years,
one would have expected tbat the aforesaid boards would have
themselves made some proficiency in the art of economy, and so
escape criticism. But, instead of that, every new school board
manifests greater signs of extravagance.
I was amused and edified at an instance of criticism which
recently came under my notice while coming along Deansgate,
Manchester, where a new structure is at present in course of
erection. To give an adequate idea of the extravagance exhi¬
bited in this building, and the manner in which it is appreciated
by those for whose benefit these institutions are being reared, I
will state my experience. Every time I have passed (which has
been, on an average, three times a day for the last three months)
I have overheard the remarks of passers by on the absurdity of
r
242 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
the expenditure. On the occasion to which I allude, two most
disreputable and hungry looking tramps were scrutinising its
details, apparently with great interest. As I approached nearer,
one of them stretched out an arm, from which the ragged sleeve
threatened every moment to be divorced, and said—
"Do you see that, Jim1? That's the way they spend our
money."
Jim looked innocently at him, and said, " No doubt, but how
much income tax do you pay?"
The effect of this retort was marvellous upon both questioner
and questioned, and they were so flabbergasted as to be unable
to pursue the subject any further, and proceeded on their march.
AN ELIGIBLE CANDIDATE.
The following is a copy of a memorial sent to the Home Secre¬
tary by an inhabitant of Frinden Colliery, desirous of filling the
vacancy caused by the death of the late Mr. Marwood, public
executioner:—
"I, Henry Bigby, of Frinden Colliery, County of Durham,
6 feet 1 inch in my stocking feet, fourteen stone weight, and
thirty-five years of age, hereby make it known to all whom it
may concern that I would like the office of public executioner,
vacant by the death of the lamented — Marwood, Esq.
£,,I would hang without the slightest scruple, when required,
my wife, niy sisters, and my cousins and my aunts, my aged
grandfather and grandmother, or anyone else related to me, and
without fear or remorse.
his
"(Signed) Henry x Bigby.
"Witnessed by mark.
"A. Hog,
"Sept. 7th, 1883."
243
THE WIFE DESEETEE: ANOTHEE INCIDENT OF
THE MAOEI WAE.
We had some very daring spirits in that famous expedition.
Among others, one whose name will he handed down to posterity
with undying fame, surpassed only by Wellington, Nelson,
Marlborough, Guiteau, Charles Peace, Munchausen, Henry
Wainwright, B. Cheeser, &c., Private Colder of my Company,
who has already been introduced to the reader, as displaying
" heroic courage," and " uttering had cents," at the battle of
Parihaka. He was a married man, and had been for some
years; hut, notwithstanding this incumbrance of domestic
felicity, he had some spirit left in him yet, so much so in fact,
that he determined to volunteer to go to the front. He accord¬
ingly took private drills before enrolling himself, and, when he
had been duly installed as a full private, he arranged that during
his absence his wife should draw half his pay. Previous to
starting from the barracks at Wellington, a report got abroad
somehow that there had been one hundred and fifty armed con¬
stabulary massacred at Eohuta the previous night. We soon
began to realise the kind of duty we were about to be called
upon to discharge; but none more acutely realized this fact
than the aforesaid gallant Private Colder. His face at the news
turned as white as a sheet; his eyes were unusually dilated; and
his shaggy hair stood up like bristles on an agitated hedge-heg.
He button-holed the orderly bugler, and gave him a telegram.
The 0. B. told him it was too late to forward any, but after
some persuasion, and the promise of a pint, the 0. B. con¬
sented to despatch it, after which Private Colder, though still
R 2
244
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
very nervous and agitated, seemed much more composed. We
wondered what the telegram related to, but about ten days after¬
wards we found out. I had a paper sent to me by my affec¬
tionate better half in which I was surprised to read the
following:—
" Among other bold and daring spirits comprising the S. C. R.
who with burning martial fervour to fight for their country
rushed to enroll themselves as volunteers when the first smell of
ivar was sniffed from afar, was John Colder of Ashburton, a
labourer by profession. Accordingly, having received the con¬
sent of his partner in this vale of tears, and arranged that his
aforesaid P. I. T. Y. O. T. should draw the half of his pay
during his absence, he enrolled himself and departed with his
Company from Ashburton Railway Station amidst the shrieking
of the iron horse, the clang of martial music, and the plaudits of
the assembled multitude on a certain day in October, '81. A
few days afterAvards she, his aforesaid P. I. T. Y. 0. T. received
a telegram from Wellington Barracks, requesting her in the most
ardent and pressing language, to send a constable after him, to
have him arrested for Avife desertion. She accordingly applied
to the R. M.* for a warrant. But he suspecting that every¬
thing was not' 0. K.,'t proceeded to pump her severely—a very
interesting process indeed—the result of Avhich was, that she
gave him away, acknowledging with tears in her eyes, that he
had gone with her consent, and that she was drawing half
his pay.
" Poor woman! It was on his account—the shame of
acknowledging such a husband; and not on account of the
public position in which she stood in the court, that made her
weep."
I will here remark the R. M. did not grant her request.
* Res. Magistrate.
+ All correct.
245
HE WAS AN OLD SO'DGER.
I happened to be in Philadelphia during the last centennial
celebration of the landing of William Penn. And in connection
with that celebration there were detachments from every regi¬
ment in Uncle Sam's army.
Now, I do like to hear a really good story teller—a really
accomplished liar; that is, an artistic one; but to hear a poor
liar makes me feel ill, and, strange to say, on this occasion I
heard as poor a fabricator of falsehoods as ever it was my lot to
encounter.
I always had a great liking for the military on both sides of
the Atlantic; and, when in Philadelphia, as I did not know
any of the residents, it was only natural that I should mix
pretty freely with the boys in blue.
It is a strange thing in the States, but every old " bum" you
come across, will tell you that he has been in the army, and that
he served through the Civil War. He will, of course, take care
to ascertain first which side you lean to before he tells you
which side he fought on. Citizens, of course, are more easily
imposed upon in this way than soldiers; but these stories, I
suppose, with the idea of exciting sympathy, are as frequently
told to soldiers as citizens, though with different results.
The gentleman about whom I am going to write, however,
was no "bum," but merely a hog-wash fabricator; his inefficiency
in the art of fabrication was in itself sufficient proof of this.
On the occasion I write of, I was in a saloon with some soldiers
whose acquaintance I had made previously in New York, and
the conversation happening to turn upon the Battle of Gettys¬
burg, a bald-headed old rooster, sitting at the other side of the
room, and who looked like a tailor, remarked to the man who
had last spoken, "I guess I can tell you something about
that, Cap."
246 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
" Is that so 1" queried one of the soldiers.
" Yes, my son," replied he in a patronising tone of voice ; "I
was fighting for my country when you were in your cradle."
" What regiment were you in 1" I asked.
" Oh, I was along with Grant," replied he.
" Yes," said I, " hut what regiment were you in ?"
" I enlisted just as the war broke out," said he.
" How long were you in the service 1" I asked.
" Thirty years," he replied.
" When did you leave it!" asked the Cap.
" Ten years ago," was the answer.
" Were you in the Mexican war1?" asked the Cap."
" Yes, I fought under Hancock there," returned he.
" If it is not an impertinent question," said the Cap, " how
old are you 1"
"I am forty-five," said he in reply.
"How old were you when you enlisted?" again requested
the Cap.
"I enlisted," answered he, "when I was twenty-nine years of
age as a drum-major. But my merits being soon discovered,
they determined to promote me; I was then appointed deputy
assistant secretary to a post sergeant, and, at the close of the
war, I was discharged as a full brevet-major."
He concluded this without the slightest alteration manifesting
itself in the expression on his stupid bare face. Our blood
began to freeze, and cold perspiration streamed down our necks,
while our hair assumed a frigid pependicular attitude. We
were utterly speechless at his barefacedness. I was about to
get up and kick him out of the room, when, on looking round, I
perceived that one of my companions was in the act of fainting.
I immediately ran to his assistance, unbuttoned the collar of his
blouse, meanwhile yelling for the waiter to fetch brandy-smash
and smelling salts.
I then turned to the alleged " old so'dger," and told him " he
HE WAS AN OLD SODGER.
247
had better go and procure a doctor," and added, " You will have
to pay for him, too. Do you see what you have done1?" I asked.
He replied by asking " Why should 1? what have I got to do
with the young man anyway ?"
I then addressed him as follows,—
"Why? you wTould-be disseminator of hog-wash lies, that
young man whom you see in a swoon before you, is one of the
most artistic liars in the Union; worthy to rank with Sam
Clemmens and George Peck. His own fertility of imagination
is such that it is a dreadful shock for him to hear you telling
such miserable hog-wash lies like that in cold blood. What did
you take us for anyway? Clams? You ask us," I continued,
" to believe that you were ever deputy assistant secretary to a
post sergeant, and that you were discharged as a full major?
Bah!"
I was thankful to observe that my friend had come to
without the assistance of a doctor. The waiter had poured
iced water down his neck, and prizing his mouth open with
the tongs, poured down the brandy-smash. He arose and
taking a cheese straight announced " his ability to depart with
agility."
He did not get over it for a long time, for it jarred terribly
upon his finer feelings.
I then before going out addressed myself to the W. B. D. of
H. W. lies in the following strain :—
" Say, you bald-headed old rooster, if you'll take my advice
leave lying alone. You were never meant for a fabricator. If,
however, you are determined to ' fib,' a careful study of the
works of Sam Clemmens and George Peck might possibly assist
you. If," I continued, " you study their styles, and try to form
a different one yourself from that which you now have, you
might possibly one day be counted a third rate liar. Greater-
eminence than that you can never attain."
248
EXPERIENCES OF A COLONIAL ADVERTISING
AGENT.
No. 4.
On one occasion when orders for ads. were scarce, and there was
very little else to do, I determined to make a raid upon the
Chinkies.* "When mentioning my plans to some of my brother
agents at the Glasgow Pie House, previous to starting on my
rounds, they one and all laughed at me, and offered to bet me
x st all round "that I would not get an inch in a week."
I had made up my mind, however, and was not going to be
laughed out of my scheme. Accordingly, leaving the G. P. H.,
I called at the " Empire " on my way, just at the time that the
" hot sausage rolls came on the board," and entered the arcade.
I did not enter, then, any of the numerous Chinese shops, but
glanced at the signs and took notes. I had the following list of
Chinamen's names in my book, viz.:—"Ho Hum," "Kum Suen,"
"Kum Quick," "Do Kum." I returned the book to my
satchel, and after calling at the " Shamrock," as the sandwiches
and roast potatoes were being laid on, 1 then made for the
" Douglas," and about ten minutes after passing the " Octagon,"
I arrived at a small drapery and fancy goods store, on the sign
of which was inscribed the name " Ma Hoon." I entered,
accosted the proprietor with " Good morning, Mr. Hoon."
Ma Hoon: "Goo moning. You wan tie buy shiltie, socks,
dlawels, soo clothes. Velly cheap, all velly cheap."
Cheeser : "I have called on you, Mr. Hoon, for the purpose of
soliciting an advertisement for the Boolcitap Courier."
Ma Hoon : " Me no savey."
Cheeser: "You savey this newspaper ?" (producing one).
Ma Hoon : " Me savey all the same noospaper."
Cheeser: "You savey this advertisement?"
Ma Hoon: " No, me no savey—me no can read that."
* Chinamen. f Florins.
EXPERIENCES OF AN ADVERTISING AGENT. 249
Cheeser: " You pay me two pounds ten, me puttie in paper
where all peoples in countly can see. Ma Hoon best shop for shiltie,
dlawels, tlousels, towels, and petticoats in Dunedin. Me puttie
dat in evely week one year—write big—large—you savey 1"
Ma Hoon: "Yes, me savey that."
Cheeser : " You likie that 1"
Ma Hoon: " Yes all the same me likie that."
Cheeser: " Then you puttie your name, that tell boss you likie
that" (handing him an order form to sign).
Being satisfied with this, he got upon the table and signed
his name to the order.
I then inquired of liim, " Me composie 1"
He replied, "Yes all the same, you composie—me no can
composie."
I therefore composed the advertisement as follows :—
" Ho Kum, Do Kum, Kum Suen,
Please Kum, Kum Quick !
Dear Ladies, Sweet Ladies,
Ho do Kum Quick
And see Ma Hoon's Fancy Goods and Drapery Bazaar,
George Street, Dunedin.
Prices Simply Absurdly Low.
Ho—Kum ! ! "
The boss wrote down to see if I had gone mad; but on assur¬
ing him I was perfectly sane, the advertisement was duly inserted.
With what feelings of triumph did I pull out the B. C. from
my satchel in the various free lunch bars of the city the follow¬
ing morning when making my tour, and hand it around among
my admiring brother agents.
They said they believed me capable of any achievement after
that, even to the extent of collecting an account from an Italian
hatter or a hairdresser in Moray Place.*
* Local hit.
250
A SUBSTITUTE FOR A BIBLE.
My old boss of tbe B. G. used to be clerk of the court in
Bookitap, and consequently when people took out summonses
he had the job of swearing them. For this purpose he used to
keep an old Bible, and he was the only man in Bookitap
possessed of such an article, or at least used one at all, with the
exception of the resident parson, whom I presume had one,
though I never saw it. How I came to find this out I am just
about to relate.
One day he was called very suddenly into Dunedin on very
important business, and left instructions for me to go up to the
court-house and represent him. Unfortunately, however, he
did not leave word where the old Bible was to be found. And
I had not been long in attendance when a man came to be
sworn. I told him "to come back in an hour, that I was un¬
able to find the Bible, and that it might take some time to
borrow one." But little did I think that I would not be able
to procure one at all. The first place I went to was a store kept
by a " Freethinker," Mr. Blacksmith. There I was disappointed,
and after going round the township with the same result, I had
to make up my mind to trudge to the minister's house.
This was a good distance away, and I was very unwilling to
go so far if I could help it.
There was no help for it; I had to go, and on arriving at the
gate, hot and tired, I saw a little square piece of cardboard
suspended from one of the posts, on which there was a notice
A SUBSTITUTE FOR A BIBLE. 251
to the effect " that Mr. Penman and family had gone to Oamaru
for a few days. Letters to be left at Lawson's shop."
I at first swore at my bad luck, and then at my own stupidity.
"Lawson's shop," I repeated to myself twice over, "why, if I
had not been a clam I could have gone there and bought one
and stuck it down to the boss. I accordingly retraced my weary
steps, and on arriving at Lawson's he informed me " he was just
out of them—very sorry, Mr. Cheeser—have just sold the last
one not ten minutes since to ' Boozing Jamie,' who had been to a
Salvation Army meeting in Dunedin and caught the infection.
" "Which way did he go ?" I asked, eagerly.
" Out towards Waikitaru," returned the little man.
I accordingly started in the direction indicated, and overtook
him half way, just opposite Barney O'Neil's.
I shouted to him to " brail up,"* and then queried him, " Is
it true Jamie that you bought a Bible to-day at Little Lawson's 1"
" Oh! don't start to chaff me about that. They're not talking
about it in the township, are they 1" said he.
" Ho," I replied, " I only found it out by accident; fact is, I
have been inquiring for one to swear a man on, as Mr. Hill is
away, and, as Mr. Lawson is out of them, having sold the last
one to you, I came all the way after you to borrow it."
" All right, sir," said he. " I suppose you'll stand a pint at
Barney's 1"
" Certainly, Jamie," replied I, and we went over the road
together to Barney O'Heil's.
When he got through with his pint, and I was just con¬
gratulating myself on being at last successful, wiping the
perspiration from my brow, and the dust from my clothes, he
remarked complacently to Mr. Public House, " Aint it strange,
boss, just ten minutes after I had parted with the Bible,
Mr. Cheeser here, should turn up looking for it 1"
" Is that so1?" said Mr. P. H. "Why, governor, you're just in
* Stop.
252 THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
time to be too late," and he looked at me as if that information
ought to be very comforting. But I did not see it.
I waited to hear no more, but started back home again. I learned
afterwards that Jamie had seen a fat man on the road, looking very
hot and dusty, alight from a buggy, and drink a pint at Barney's
apparently with great gusto. This was too much for Jamie,
who was standing at the other side of the road hot and dusty
too. He had a relapse of worldliness and crossed over, where
he had very little difficulty in disposing of the Bible (which was
a good one) for a consideration of two bob, to two pedlars who
were in the foot train bound for Oamaru, the which he spent in
pints at Barney's.
On getting back to the township, I went into Bob Catchrat's
shop. He was the mayor, and having the same job himself
sometimes, it struck me that he might have a Bible.
" Hilloa, Cheeser, how are you, old man 1" said he.
" Oh, fine, thank you, Bob," I replied; " say, can you lend me
a Bible 1"
" "Why1?" said he. " Oh, I suppose you want to swear some¬
body. That just reminds me ; there have been about twenty
men looking all over the place for you this afternoon wanting to
be sworn."
" Good gracious !" I ejaculated in consternation, "is that sol
Well, hurry up, and let's have your Bible anyway."
"Well, I'd be very glad," said he, "but the fact is I've not
got one ; but if you'll promise me to take care of it, I'll lend you
what I use, and what will do just as well."
" All right," says I, impatiently, " let's have it. What is it
anyway 1"
Bob then produced an old dictionary, which, from its outward
appearance anyone would have taken for a Bible.
I accordingly took it up to the court-house, where I found twenty-
five men waiting to be sworn, and the elegant expressions they
made use of in " thanking me for keeping them waiting," can be
A SUBSTITUTE FOR A BIBLE. 253
more easily appreciated than imagined. I told them " not to
mention it," and proceeded to swear them one by one on the old
dictionary.
None of them tumbled to it, but old Hill did the next day,
on remembering that he had not left out the Bible for me.
Being a very conscientious man he was exceedingly wroth,
and said, " that had I been to blame he certainly would have
sacked me on the spot."
Apropos of the above subject, I have recently culled the
following from a Manchester religious periodical:—
" In these columns the other day we had occasion to comment
on a case where a young lady witness declined to take the oath
on the Bible usually used for the purpose in courts of justice.
"To-day we notice the report of a case in which the land¬
lord of a public house, offered to a coroner's jury sitting
therein a copy of 1 Tristram Shandy,' instead of the Bible,
to swear upon. The coroner was, however, a shrewd man of
business, well versed in forensic requirements, who had seen a
Bible on some former occasion, even if he had not made himself
acquainted with its contents, for he at once detected the differ
ence between the Holy Scriptures and Lawrence Sterne's
memorable work, to the evident and admiring intelligence of the
jury, who realized that but for his astuteness, they would have
been imposed upon, and would have been accessories before the
fact to a blasphemy.
" This latter is so very remarkable a fact, that English speak¬
ing and reading communities will welcome this exhibition of
discretion, and will feel a smile of satisfaction that the weighty
interests upon which they deliberate and the impartial justice
they invariably give in the exercise of their functions, the
verdicts may safely be intrusted in their hands.
" And it is so remarkable an instance of discretionary wisdom,
that we cannot allow it to pass without drawing the attention of
our readers to the fact that Manchester at least possesses one
254
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
coroner who is reputed to know as much about the inspired
volume as he does about cornering buttonholing and the culti¬
vation of cabbages. "We have said it is reported, but whether
these reports are correct or not, we decline to express a definite
opinion.
" Supposing, however, they are true, he is but an extra¬
ordinary exception, and it is most refreshing, even in a refresh¬
ing place like that (chiefly chosen by coroners for the dutiful
discharge of their important functions), to know that you will
have to go into a great many corners before you find one qualified
and capable of distinguishing the disparity between Tristram
Shandy and Holy Writ.
"There is fortunately but too much reason to believe that
ignorance was the cause of the pokestake, and that the landlord
of the house where the inquest was held did not know the
difference between sacred and profane writings, and in charity
we are bound to give him the benefit of the doubt, and to
suppose that his infirmity was a physical and not a spiritual
blindness.
"It stands to reason that he having been so long in the
business of dispensing 'spiritual' refreshment that his powers of
discernment in that respect should at least equal his art of
tasting and smelling, which, according to common report, are
marvellous—especially the former; and from which circumstance,
after much consultation and searching a Bible was eventually
found in the house, to the great astonishment of the landlord
and his family. It is earnestly to be hoped that the precious
volume, having now been unearthed, will not again be relegated
to the lumber-room before the inmates have made themselves
as conversant with its contents as they are with the contents of
the various casks and bottles with which the house is stored,
and that they will in future be able to distinguish it from that
interesting but profane work, ' Tristram Shandy.'"
-55
CONCLUSION".
The responsibility of having to pronounce the significant word
Finis is thrown upon me.
"Not one of all my subjects to render me so much honour—"
Had I written a play it would have been easy to have com¬
pelled the hero or heroine, or, in default of these, the scene
shifter, prompter, or that genus the aristocratic amateur, to have
come forward to the footlights and deliver the epilogue.
Or I might have copied the very ancient mode, and said—
" Farewell!—Clap your hands."
But the latter would be superfluous, and I am afraid it would
have been interpreted as a " goak."
Finis is a fundamental part of every work, and one which is
welcomed—sometimes willingly, sometimes reluctantly. "Which¬
ever may be the case on the part of the reader in this instance,
the author flatters himself that he has not unmercifully taxed
the patience of the too indulgent reader, though he is aware
that of late years a class of literature bordering upon this,
of varying degrees of merit, has more than satiated the
public taste.
I have steadily kept in view the maxim which all writers will
do well to observe, " That he who knows when to stop, and
ceases when he has no more to say, is in possession of one of
the best parts of propriety."
I pride myself, however, most of all upon the fact that I. have
followed no beaten track. In dealing with the different physiog¬
nomies of the mental and moral natures—the mixed and freckled
characters—it was my lot to encounter, I have not whitewashed
or gilded them (as the manner of some is) to make them as pre¬
sentable as flowers in May, but I have endeavoured throughout
to give in this collection of anecdotes and reminiscences pur et
simple, a narration of fact.
256
THE VAGARIES OF A VAGRANT.
Although I confess to having a very large " beam " in my own
eye, notwithstanding it has not blinded me to the "motes"
distinctly discernible in the eyes of my fellow men.
Being compelled necessarily in a work of this kind to treat of
certain classes, creeds, and nationalities, lest any of my comments
thereon should offend the sensibilities in the least degree of any
section of the community, I desire to disavow at once and
emphatically any partiality or feeling whatever. My constant aim
has been to render alike impartial justice to all.
For the present I must retire from the footlights, and enter
another of its hemispheres; having been appointed by the Lord
High Censor and Scrutator of the Bealm of Trampdom, a Special
Commissioner, armed with autocratic powers, to inquire into the
working, uses or abuses, of some of its "Pet Institutions,"—
societies, associations, organisations, clubs, and cliques, with
special reference to the latter; republics; monarchies, absolute
or limited; "Federation of the World and Parliament of Man,"
Ecumenical councils, conferences, soirees politique, garden parties
diplomatique, the pretty little sovereign councils of emperors and
potentates held without the permission of the Lord High Censor
and Scrutator. All these and many more will each come in for
its meed of praise or otherwise.
Meanwhile, having conducted my reader throughout my tramp
up and down the world, I am desirous of not fatiguing him or-
her, but must hasten to make a further tramp in order to render
to my august master a faithful report on all the subjects of high
import alluded to, and thus fulfil the object of my very special
commission.
In due time, however, I hope to present my readers with a
copy of the report.
Yours respectfully,
B. CHEESER, Lit. Tramp.
THE END.
W. I. RICHARDSON, PRINTER, 4 AND 5, GREAT QUEEN STREET, LONDON, W.C.
FROM
Period House, Borough. S. E., near St. George's church.
08 & 07, Cheajiside, E.G., near Bennett's Clock.
125, Tottenham Court Road, W., near Euston Road.
10, Hackney Road, E., near Slioreditch Church."
18, Commercial Road, E., near Leman Street.
144, The Grave, Stratford, E., corner of Gt. Eastern-st.
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