/ i 
 
MODERN SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
STULTIFERA NAVIS; 
 
 Qua omnium mortalium narratur Stultitia, 
 
 THE 
 
 MODERN SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 jERE perennius. 
 
 A Whip for the Horse, a Bridle for the Ass, and a Rod 
 for the Fool's Back. Solomon. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA: 
 
 Printed for C. and A. Conrad and Co., Philadelphia: Conrad, 
 
 Lucas and Co., Baltimore: Somervell and Conrad, 
 
 Petersburg: and Bonsai, Conrad and Co., Norfolk. 
 
 FRY AND KAMMERER, PRINTERS. 
 
 1807. 
 

 DEDICATION.. 
 
 To that individual, if such a one exists, who resembles 
 the man sought after by the philosopher Diogenes at noon 
 day, with a lighted candle in a lanthorn.* 
 
 Unknown, 
 
 Wheresoe'er thou art, I humbly greet thee, 
 heedless of thy country, religion, language, or co- 
 lour ; well convinced, that neither climate, creed, 
 tongue nor complexion can prove detrimental to the 
 • expansion of wisdom, or tend to warp thee from the 
 pursuit of everlasting truth. 
 
 To thee, O Phoenix! or to adopt the words of So- 
 lomon, " Beloved of my soul," do I send this little 
 
 * It is obvious, that our Poet did not take the ho?iest man 
 of the Cynic, in a literal sense, but that he conceived the 
 philosopher went in search of a wise and good man, and 
 not merely of one who was proof against the temptation of 
 purloining a silver spoon. 
 
 Colui e huomo, che pud regger se stesso. 
 
 A 2 
 
vi DEDICATION. 
 
 book, greeting, under the assurance, that my moral 
 will be in unison with thy practice, and consonant 
 with thy theory, when absolute action hath not led 
 thee to display thy conduct to the world of fools. 
 
 To intrude upon thee fulsome flattery would be 
 fruitless, thy discriminating sense would pierce the 
 flimsy veil: to wish thee unfading happiness would 
 be nugatory, since wisdom is thy pursuit, and joys 
 imperishable are the attendants on those who strug- 
 gle in order to its attainment : to urge thee to pro- 
 ceed in thy career with steady determination, would 
 merely hold me up to ridicule in thine eyes, since 
 he who hath tasted the delicious fruits of science, 
 would never quit the Hesperian produce " to prey 
 on garbage." Therefore naught have I further to 
 add, but take my leave, under the firm conviction, 
 that 
 
 Sapientia prima est, stultitiacaruisse. 
 
 THE POET. 
 
ADVERTISEMENT 
 
 TO THE 
 
 READER. 
 
 IN the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries, se- 
 veral works written in Latin, issued from foreign 
 presses, similar in title and composition to the plan 
 of the present publication; the intention of which is 
 to lash the reigning vices and follies of mankind. 
 These productions have, for the most part, been in- 
 spected by the editor, but the work which obviously 
 appears to have given the idea for the several sec- 
 tions now under consideration, is the Ship of Fools, 
 translated into English verse by one Alexander Bar- 
 clay, priest, and printed in folio. Of this work, nu- 
 merous editions issued from the press; the earliest 
 of which was printed by Pinson, in 1509; vid. Her- 
 bert's edition of Ames, vol. i. p. 253, from which it 
 
viii ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 should seem, that Alexander Barclay had only com- 
 pleted his translation the preceding year, as in a sub- 
 sequent folio edition, bearing date 1570, the follow- 
 ing lines appear: 
 
 " Thus endeth the Shift of Fools, translated out of 
 Latin, French and Dutch, into Englishe, by Alex- 
 ander Barclay, priest, at that time chaplin in the co- 
 ledge of St. Mary Ottery, in the countie of Devon. 
 An. Dom. 1508." 
 
 In the commencement of that volume, the reader 
 is informed, that Stultifera Mivis was originally the 
 labour of one Sebastian Brant, a Dutchman, and 
 Doctor of both Laws, in the county of Almayne, 
 who composed the book in his native tongue, en- 
 deavouring as much as possible to vie with the an- 
 cient Roman satirists ; not to omit the effusions of 
 Dante and Francis Petrarch, the heroic poets whom 
 it is alleged, he also took for his models. From the 
 original Dutch, the Ship of Fools was then translated 
 into Latin, by James Locher, a disciple of Brant's, and 
 w r as afterwards rendered into French by an unknown 
 hand; thus much are we informed from the prelimi- 
 nary discourses of Locher and Barclay; the latter of 
 
ADVERTISEMENT. ix 
 
 whom, in his English translation, accounts in the 
 following words, for the publication of his book: 
 
 " Wherefore willing to redresse the errours and 
 vices of this our realme of Englande^as the foresaide 
 composer and translatours have done in their coun- 
 treys, I have taken upon me, howbeit unworthily, to 
 drawe into our Englishe tongue, the saide booke 
 named the Ship of Fools, so nere to the saide three 
 languages, as the parcitie of my witte mil suffer me" 
 
 With respect to the present Ship of Fools, th6 
 editor conceives it highly necessary to acquaint the 
 public, that the Poetaster has, in no one instance, 
 encroached on the production of Alexander Barclay, 
 as far as relates to the body of his work, having 
 merely copied a part of his title-page, and inserted 
 the running heads of many of his sections,* the poe» 
 try, Latin and Italian quotations, Sec. being entirely 
 the effusions of his genius, and the result of his own 
 researches. The editor has conceived this intima- 
 tion the more essentially requisite, as it would be 
 infinitely detrimental to the poet, was he branded 
 
 * Viz. Of foolish unprofitable books — Of new fashions, 
 and fools that wear disguised garments, 8cc. &c. 
 
s ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 with the stigma of plagiarism, when his labours are 
 entirely original, and obviously committed to paper 
 currente calamo; but, as the writer has ventured to 
 correct some lines in the progress of these sections, 
 he hopes that the poetical part of the volume is not 
 wholly ushered into the world without Limae labor 
 ac mora; and therefore trusts, that any trifling inac- 
 curacies which may have escaped him, will be re- 
 garded leniently by that class of critics, which is, 
 perhaps, over severe in its judgment on the literary 
 productions Qf others. 
 
 Under the firm assurance that the reader will con- 
 sider this work, in the light in which it is conceived 
 the author originally intended that it should be ac- 
 cepted, the editor takes his leave, after placing him- 
 self in the situation of the versifier of this volume, 
 exclaiming with Ovid: 
 
 Non ego mordaci dlstrinxi carmine quenquami 
 Nulla venenato est litera mieta joco. 
 
PREFATORY DISCOURSE 
 
 OF 
 
 THE POET. 
 
 IT is allowed, that the mental, equally with the 
 corporeal being, stands in need of repose. I had just 
 achieved the last section of this my Shift of Fools, 
 when I was assailed by one of those soft and genial 
 slumbers, which will frequently extend its influence 
 to renovate the animal system, and give new vigour 
 to intellectuality: 
 
 Opere in longo fas est obrepere somnum. Horace. 
 
 while entranced in this state of oblivion, a female 
 form suddenly presented itself to my wandering ima- 
 gination, whose broad, fat, unmeaning countenance 
 and vacant stare, seemed anxious to convey an ex- 
 
XU PREFATORY DISCOURSE. 
 
 pression of displeasure ; but so aukwardly was the 
 passion depicted, as rather to excite risibility, than 
 inspire my soul with a sensation of awe. 
 
 " Dost thou not know me?" demanded the fe- 
 male, in sullen accents; " Yes," I replied; for who 
 can fix his eyes on that inexpressive physiognomy, 
 upon that cap, adorned with lanky ass's ears, upon 
 that tawdry mantle, together with those jingling 
 bells and empty ladle, without proclaiming thee 
 aloud, for that thou truly art, Queen of Folly, or the 
 Goddess of Fools?" 
 
 " Thou judgest right," replied the vision ; " and 
 since thou knowest me for an immortal being, learn 
 henceforth to respect my boundless sway." At the 
 conclusion of these words, Erasmus's account of the 
 parents and guardians of Folly, suddenly flushed 
 upon my mind, when the following ejaculation 
 escaped my lips: 
 
 " Yes, I know thee well: at thy conception Hy- 
 men did not attend, neither wast thou born upon the 
 floating Delos,* but on one of those fortunate islands, 
 
 * It was on this island, which is said to have suddenly 
 
PREFATORY DISCOURSE. Xlll 
 
 whose luxurious and spontaneous soil affords every 
 thing without the aid of culture ; and from whence 
 is consequently banished labour, together with pen- 
 ury, sickness, and old age: thy nurses were the 
 daughter of Bacchus and the progeny of Pan, whose 
 attendants were Scorn, Self-love, and Adulation 
 (sleepy-eyed), Lethe, or Oblivion ; Idleness with 
 listless air, and perfumed Voluptuousness, 'crowned 
 with odoriferous flowers. Amidst this train of nymphs 
 two gods appeared ; the one was patron of gluttony, 
 the other of profoundest sleep. Such even now con- 
 stitute thy suite ; and, aided by their baleful fascina- 
 tions, dost thou hold, under thy dominion, this world 
 immense of countless fools. 5 ' 
 
 " True ;" answered the vision, V and since thou 
 knowest so well my sovereignty and power, how 
 
 made its appearance on the surface of the ocean, by the 
 power of Neptune, that the persecuted Latojia- was per- 
 mitted to bring forth her offspring Apollo. Delos was also 
 the birth place of Diana. It is almost needless to add, 
 that Science and Chastity are total strangers to the Goddess 
 of Fools. 
 
 B 
 
XIV PREFATORY DISCOURSE. 
 
 darest thou act in opposition to my lenient decrees, 
 and rear thy puny wit against an immortal, whose 
 shrine receives the tributary homage of all the sons 
 and daughters of mortality. Consign to the flames, 
 rash and imprudent bard, these labours of thy daring 
 fancy, my votaries will not heed them, but laugh to 
 scorn such frigid precepts. Come to my rosy bowers, 
 and I will feast thee with excess of love, with brim- 
 ful goblets of exhilarating wines, with banquettings, 
 music, dancing, and every species of revelry ; from 
 thy mind discard these baleful principles, by thee 
 denominated the beacons of wisdom ; from thy brow 
 dispel that look of austerity, and let the dimpled smile 
 of mirth assume its playful emporium. Yes : yield 
 thyself to me ; and henceforth learn to taste un- 
 fading pleasures." 
 
 Thus having spoke, Folly approached me with 
 complacency. I was not, however, to be won by her 
 alluring smiles ; and, with an outstretched hand, 
 indignantly repulsed her fascinating, but deceitful 
 blandishments. Being thus contemned, her fury 
 knew no bounds ; and to her aid she summoned, 
 incontinent, her votaries, from every region of the 
 
PREFATORY DISCOURSE. W 
 
 earth; who, with gesticulations, indicating hate, 
 would fain have approached me ; but fruitless proved 
 the attempt. Minerva appeared, arrayed in the garb of 
 Mentor, and, rearing high her orbed and resplendent 
 shield, with shrieks and yells the multifarious band 
 shrunk back, dismayed at the dazzling sight; and I 
 again awoke, to laud still more the wise design 
 which had inspired my muse. 
 
 Quidquid agunt homines nostri farrago libelli. 
 
 Having thus committed to paper the offspring of 
 my visionary fancy, which related throughout to the 
 Goddess of Fools; it may not be injudicious, in the 
 next place, to say something respecting her king- 
 dom, the situation of which is so characteristically 
 depicted by Voltaire, that I cannot do better than 
 quote his lines, for the reader's information, 
 
 Devers la lune, ou Ton tient que jadis, 
 Etait place des fous le paradis,* 
 
 It was formerly supposed, that the Fool's Paradise 
 
XVI PREFATORY DI&COURSjL 
 
 Sur les confins de cet abime immense, 
 
 Ou le Cahos, et l'Erebe, et la nuit, 
 
 Avant le temps de Tunivers produit, 
 
 Ont exerce leur aveugle puissance; 
 
 II est un vaste et caverneux sejour; 
 
 Peu carresse des doux rayons du jour, 
 
 Et qui n'a rien qu'une lumiere affreuse, 
 
 Froide, tremblante, incertaine, et trompeuse.; 
 
 Pour tout etoile, on a des feux folets; 
 
 L'air est peuple de petits fafardets, 
 
 De ce pays la reine est la sottise, &c. 
 
 Such being the region inhabited by the Goddess 
 of Fools, I shall now proceed in my Preface, by 
 giving a quotation from the prologue of James Lo- 
 cker, which is, in every respect consonant with the 
 causes which induced me to compose the ensuing 
 sections: 
 
 was situated near the border of the moon; and that the re- 
 gion was inhabited by the spirits of idiots, silly persons, 
 and infants who died without receiving the baptismal rites- 
 Milton also speaks of the Paradise of Fools, through which 
 he makes Satan pass, in the progress of his aerial journey. 
 
PREFATORY DISCOURSE. XV11 
 
 « To dense the vanitie and madnes of foolishe peo- 
 ple, of whom over great number is in the realme of 
 Englande; therefore let every man beholde and over- 
 rede this booke, and then, I doubt not but he shall see 
 the errours of his life, of what condition soever he 
 be; in likewise as he shall see in a mirrour thefourmz 
 of his countenaunce and visage. And if he amende 
 suche faultes as he redeth here, wherein he knoweth 
 him selfe giltie, and passe foorth the residue of his life 
 in order of good maners; then sIM he have thefruite 
 and advantage, whereto I have translated (composed) 
 this book." 
 
 This having been the laudable incitement of a 
 translator, I trust that a motive no less praiseworthy 
 is attachable to me (the poet), who claim origina- 
 lity throughout my effusions, and who have in some 
 measure, aimed at the accomplishment of the idea 
 of Horace, who gave it as his opinion that, 
 
 Non satis est pulchra esse poemata, dulcia sunto. 
 
 Whether I have succeeded or not in my attempt, 
 I leave to the decision of those who shall deign to 
 
 B2 
 
XV111 PREFATORY DISCOURSE. 
 
 peruse my lays; but of this I feel proudly confident, 
 that nothing but the welfare of my countrymen hath 
 prompted my Muse, having no incitement what- 
 soever, either to personality or malice; for it is cer- 
 tainly permitted me to ask, 
 
 ■ Ego si risi, quod ineptus 
 
 Pastillos Rufillus olet — lividus et mordex videar? 
 
 Having thus wiped away every supposition on the 
 score of vindictive satire, on my part, I shall deliver 
 my thoughts on this head, in the words of Burton^ 
 who, in his elaborate and scientific Anatomy of Me- 
 lancholy , has thus given two Latin lines in our mo- 
 ther tongue: 
 
 The best and surest method of advice, 
 
 Should spare the person, tho' it brands the vice. 
 
 With respect to the multitude that will not think 
 fit to trouble itself with the perusal of my labours; 
 or, more properly speaking, to taste *U^» kikcc, I 
 must beg leave to acquaint such votaries of folly, that 
 the vessel, or rather the fleet, of their darling god- 
 dess is ready for their immediate embarkation; and, 
 in order to bid them adieu, I shall, therefore, have 
 
PREFATORY DISCOURSE. XiX 
 
 recourse to the ensuing stanzas of my worthy friend 
 Alexander Barclay, the priest. 
 
 But to assemble these fooles in one bande, 
 
 And their demerites wortily to note, 
 
 Fayne shall I shippes of every maner lande, 
 
 None shall be left, barke, galley, ship., nor bote, 
 
 One vessell can not bring them all ajlote, 
 
 For if all these fooles were brought into one barge, 
 
 The bote should sinke, so sore should be the charge* 
 
 The sayles are haused, a pleasant coole doth blowe, 
 The fooles assemble as fast as they may drive; 
 Some swimmeth after, other as thicke dothrowe, 
 In their small botes, as bees about a hive, 
 The number is great, and eche one doth strive, 
 For to be chief e, as purser and captayne, 
 Quartermaster, lodesman, or els Boteswayne. 
 
 They runne to our ship, eche one doth greatly feare, 
 Least his slacke pace should cause him bide behindej 
 The winde riseth, and is like the sayle to teare, 
 Eche one enforceth the anker up to ivinde, 
 The sea swelleth by planetes well Ifnde. 
 These obscure cloudes threaten us tempest: 
 All are not in bed which shall have ill rest. 
 
XX PREFATORY DISCOURSE. 
 
 And now, friend reader, will I close these prefa- 
 tory lines, supplicating the interposition of Wisdom 
 in thy favour, that her bright radiance may so ex- 
 pand around thee, as to dissipate from thy reason the 
 noxious vapours of ignorance and folly, urging thee 
 to discard bells, cap, and ladle ; assuming in their 
 stead the dazzling spear of Minerva to affright thine 
 adversaries; while, firm in the sacred cause, thou 
 may est act in unison with myself, and henceforth 
 exclaim, 
 
 sum. 
 
 Quid verum atque decens euro et rogo, et omnis in hoc 
 
THE TABLE 
 
 OF 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Section. Page. 
 
 I. Of Foolish unprofitable Books 1 
 
 II. Of new Fashions, and Fools that wear 
 
 disguised Garments 7 
 
 III. Of Old Fools, viz. the longer they live, 
 
 the more they are given to Folly 12 
 
 IV. Of Old Fools who hanker after Young 
 
 Women - - 15 
 
 V. Of such as know Nothing, and will 
 
 learn Nothing, or of Fools oppressed 
 
 by their own Folly - - 1 9 
 
 VI. Of Foolish Counsellors, Judges, and ; 
 
 Men of Law - - - -23 
 
 VII. Of Foolish modern Wives and Fa- 
 
 shionables - - - - 27 
 
 VIII. Of Fools who contemn and despise 
 
 Religion - - 31 
 
 IX. Of Foolish Gluttons and. Drunkards 34 
 
xxii CONTENTS. 
 
 Sec. Page. 
 
 X. Of young Fools who marry Old ones 
 
 for love of Gold 40 
 
 XL Of Venal Fools .... 44 
 
 XII. Of Fools who Masquerade at Midnight 48 
 
 XIII. Of Fools who seek Fortune at Games 
 
 of Chance - 52 
 
 XIV. Of Foolish Priests, and babbling Par- 
 
 sons in the Choir - - - 57 
 
 XV. Of Fools who practise vileness of Man- 
 
 ners at Table - - - 63 
 
 XVI. Of Avaricious Fools - - -67 
 
 XVII. Of the vice of Sloth in Fools - 70 
 
 XVIII. Of Foolish Flatterers and Glossers 74 
 
 XIX. Of the Vanity of Fools - - 79 
 
 XX. Of Usurious Fools 82 
 
 XXI. Of Fools who superintend the Educa- 
 
 tion of Children - - - 85 
 
 XXII. Of Prodigal Fools - - - 92 
 
 XXIII. Of curious and prying Fools - 95 
 
 XXIV. Of the Fool that is Jealous of his Wife 
 
 without a Cause - - - 99 
 
 XXV. Of Fools that know, and are instru- 
 
 mental to, their Wives' Inconstancy 102 
 
 XXVI. Of Fools that are Passionate at Trifles 106 
 
 XXVII. Of Fools who rely on the stability of 
 
 Fortune - - - - HO 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 xxin 
 
 Sec. Page. 
 
 XXVIII. Of Foolish Scoffers and Backbiters 1 14 
 
 XXIX. Of Fools that do other Men's Bu- 
 
 siness and neglect their own 
 
 XXX. Of Fools who collect old Books and 
 
 Prints - 
 
 XXXI. Of Foolish Antiquaries 
 
 XXXII. Of Fools who delight in the Chase 
 
 XXXIII. Of Fools who pretend to despise 
 
 Death .... 
 
 XXXIV. Of discontented and unsteady Fools 140 
 
 XXXV. Of Fools who go to Law for Trifles 144 
 
 XXXVI. Of Fools who provide Nothing in 
 
 youth to live in Age 
 
 XXXVII. Of Fools who are in Love 
 
 XXXVIII. Of Foolish Astronomers and Star 
 
 Gazers - - - 
 
 XXXIX. Of Foolish Alchemists '- 
 XL. Of the Vain Boasting of Fools 
 XLI. Of Ambitious Fools 
 XLII. Of Fools who boast their Ancestry 
 
 and Pedigree 
 XLI II. Of Fools who pursue unprofitable 
 
 Study - 
 XLIV. Of Foolish Poets and Authors 
 XLV. Of Imperial Fools - 
 
 XL VI. Of Fools who think none so wise as 
 
 themselves - 
 
 XL VII. Of Fools who daily prolong their 
 
 own Amendment - - 207 
 
 116 
 
 120 
 125 
 131 
 
 136 
 
 149 
 153 
 
 159 
 164 
 169 
 174 
 
 178 
 
 184 
 191 
 198 
 
 203 
 
XXIV 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Sec 
 
 XLVIII 
 
 XLIX. 
 
 LL 
 LII. 
 
 LIII. 
 LIV. 
 LV. 
 LVI. 
 
 LVII. 
 
 LVIII. 
 LIX. 
 
 LX. 
 
 Page. 
 . Of Noble Fools - - - 211 
 
 Of the Diseased Fool, that will not 
 
 attend to his Physician - 216 
 
 Of Fools that willingly put themselves 
 
 in the Way of Peril - - 220 
 
 Of Gentlemen Fools - - 224 
 
 Of Fools, who, in Age, give bad Exam- 
 ples to Youth - - - 228 
 Of the Envious Fool - 231 
 Of Fools who believe in Predestination 235 
 Of Martial Fools - 239 
 Of Fools who do not understand a Game, 
 
 and yet will play - - 246 
 Of Fools who place their Trust in He- 
 ritage 249 
 
 Of Trading Fools - - - 253 
 Of Fools that will not speak the Truth, 
 
 for Fear of Punishment - 256 
 
 Of Fools whose Labour constitutes 
 
 their Pleasure - - - 259 
 
 LXI. Of Fools who despise Misfortune 262 
 
 LXIl: Of the Folly of all the World - 265 
 
 LXIII. Description of a Wise Man - 268 
 
 LXIV. Of the Reward of Wisdom 272 
 
 LXV. Of Back Biters, and such as shall 
 
 despise this Work - - 274 
 
 LXVL The Author a Fool - - - 278 
 
STULTIFERA NAVIS. 
 
 SECTION I. 
 
 OF FOOLISH UNPROFITABLE BOOKS. 
 
 Os dignum setsrno nitidum quod fulgeat auro 
 Si mallet laudare Deum, cui sordida monstra 
 Prxtulit, & liquidam temperavit crimine vocem* 
 
 O how can I with any prudence dress 
 
 A theme that checks the freedom of the press, 
 
 The great palladium which we all rely on? 
 Far better, Caxton,* had this land been stinted 
 Of lives of saints, and all that thou hast printed. 
 
 Than e'er thine art produc'd what I say fye on. 
 
 * William Caxton was the first printer in England; he 
 established his press at Westminster, and produced a 
 work entitled, The Lives of the Saints, which may very 
 justly be styled the heavenly Maundeville, being replete 
 with so many marvellous histories. The first book printed 
 by Caxton was The Game of Chess, and the second, The 
 Dictes and sayinges of Philosophers, by Earl Rivers, dated 
 
 ; U77. 
 
 C 
 
2 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Hadst thou ne'er usher'd in this baleful art, 
 Full many a damsel had ensur'd her heart 
 
 'Gainst subtle Jean* Jaques 9 nouvelle Heloise: 
 From French finesse and all les petites ruses, 
 And to les Liasons^ tres danger euses^ 
 
 Our damsels ne'er had had recourse to please 
 
 But in their boudoirs}: ladies now display 
 JYuga canora of the present day; 
 
 Or Little poems § for the fleeting hour: 
 Effusions which our modern belles adore, 
 Who only languish as they read for More; 
 
 Of dulcet trifles such the magic pow'r. 
 
 * The new Heloise of J. J. Rousseau is famed for the 
 fallacious principles with which it abounds, and the fasci- 
 nation of the language, rendering sophistry plausible at the 
 expense of our reason. 
 
 f A very celebrated French work, entitled in English, . 
 Dangerous Connexions^ which is calculated to mislead the 
 senses, and implant in the mind the most erroneous sen- 
 timents and opinions. 
 
 Hae nugx seria ducunt in mala. 
 
 \ Small chambers appropriated for retirement, and fitted 
 up in a luxurious style, which is in every respect calculated 
 to inflame the desires of a voluptuary. 
 
 § Many poetic effusions of this nature have, of late. 
 
OF FOOLISH BOOKS. O 
 
 Nay, still the clear illusion to enhance, 
 Indecency is coupled with romance,* 
 
 To curtain modesty with crimson shame; 
 As if discarding chastity from hence, 
 Was the criterion of all common sense, 
 
 And the sure beacon of the road to fame. 
 
 issued from the press, who serapid sale has but too evi- 
 dently indicated the taste of the present times. Of some 
 productions of this nature, concerning- which we may ex- 
 claim with Horace, 
 
 Versus inopes rerum, nugreque can or x, 
 
 it hath been confidently asserted, that ladies of ton, not sa- 
 tisfied with a single copy, have purchased separate impres- 
 sions for the carriage, the boudoir, and the dressing room, 
 while a- fourth has not unfrequently been deposited under 
 the pillow at night, to serve as a gentle lullaby. 
 
 * Some famous, or rather infamous, works of this na- 
 ture have met the public eye, to the disgrace of the writers, 
 whose labours are well calculated to adorn an index expur- 
 gatorius; but this is not all, for our literary gentlemen (as 
 they term themselves) not contented with their own de- 
 reliction, must needs ransack the productions of Parisian 
 irreligion, false philosophy, and immorality, in order to give 
 them publicity in this country, by means of translation, 
 witness the Dtlphine of Mad. Stael, together with a hun- 
 dred et cameras. And as if the mania was never to end; no- 
 
4 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 But poems and romances, what are they, 
 When new philosophy* illumes the way? 
 
 Sages of Greece and Rome are naught, I ween; 
 Friends of the Bonnet Rouge can all o'ertop, 
 And not with tongue alone their logic chop, 
 
 Witness the annals of the Guillotine. 
 
 L'ENVOYf OF THE POET. 
 
 Hold, hold, my Muse, deceitful books, farewel; 
 Till human nature cons your page no more: 
 
 thing had such a run for a period, as the trash that was 
 advertised as coming 1 piping-hot from the German school; in 
 short, we have been inundated with Gallic philosophy, 
 morality, &c. and the German extravaganza, both literary 
 and dramatic. 
 
 Li matti hanno bolletta di dir cid che vogliano. 
 
 *' It would be needless to dilate upon this topic, as the 
 fanatics of a neighbouring country, not to lay any stress 
 upon those gentlemen who have figured on this side of the 
 water, have given incontrovertible testimony of the fallacy 
 of their opinions, by the overthrow of those systems, or 
 castles in the air, with which they amused themselves, to 
 the destruction of all social order, and the consequent 
 butchery of thousands of their fellow citizens. 
 
 •f As the above word is made use of in the translation 
 of Alexander Barclay, from whose publication the poet 
 
OF FOOLISH BOOKS. 5 
 
 Degraded man each virtue shall expel, 
 And robes of modesty bedeck the whore. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara dvis,* 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultiftra\ Navis, 
 
 took his idea of the present work, it appears evident that 
 lie did not think fit to alter the same, as throughout all his 
 sections no other word is applied to denote that he sends 
 his advice to the several classes of fools, concerning' whom 
 he treats in this book. 
 
 * As these words are usually adverted to in speaking of 
 any individual pre-eminent in wisdom or excellence, the 
 poet has, it is conjectured, conceived himself licensed ia 
 using them, while treating of those who are equally pro- 
 minent in folly. 
 
 | It is hoped that the poetic licence of the bard, in 
 having lengthened the syllable^ as above will be forgiven^ 
 as the word should certainly be pronounced thus, stultifera* 
 Even the great and classic Mr. Pope has not scrupled to 
 take a liberty more itnclassical in abbreviating the pronun- 
 ciation of the English word satellites, which, if properly 
 read, would render his line short and inharmonious; but if 
 regarded as Latin, even then the poet is wrong, as it should 
 be, according to grammatical rules, satellita. 
 
 ■* Jove's satellites are less than Jove." 
 
 C2 
 
THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 This, however, is not the only instance, as similar liber- 
 ties have been taken by most of our poetical writers, and 
 on that plea the annotator grounds his hope, that the pub- 
 lic will excuse the license taken by the present bard. 
 
C •* ] 
 
 SECTION II. 
 
 OF NEW FASHIONS, AND FOOLS THAT WEAR 
 DISGUISED GARMENTS. 
 
 Ad populum phaleras, ego te intus et in cute novi. 
 
 Go hide thy face, dame Decency, while I 
 Descant on fashions and our ladies' dress ; 
 
 Their modes are folly, and their drapery 
 One yard of gauzef to cover nakedness. 
 
 With lawn transparent are their bosoms bound, 
 Alluring ev'ry eye to view the sight ; 
 
 While stomach, taper waist, and contour rounds 
 Are visible thro' cambric twin'd so tight. 
 
 f It is absolutely impossible to walk the streets of Lon- 
 don, without witnessing the truth of this remark ; as the 
 ladies, not contented with parading all but netted, must 
 needs heighten the scene, by grasping tightly round them 
 the small portion of drapery they have, whereby the whole 
 contour from the waist downwards, is just as perceptible, as 
 if they had no covering at all. 
 
THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 One petticoat or drawers* of muslin thin, 
 From heav'n's rude blast protects the fragile 
 maid ; 
 
 Maid did I say ! What dift 'rence in the sin, 
 The harlot's act, or limbs by lust array'd ? 
 
 Or view the milliner's inventive art, 
 In hips elastic, and full swell behind ; 
 
 Stays " a la Je ne f scats quoi" at once impart, 
 That nature's naught without such modes re- 
 fin'd. 
 
 * As a trifling 1 effort of Boreas might elevate, or the 
 rude push of a passenger cause a rent in the thin petticoat 
 or chemise, whereby a total exposure would be inevitable, 
 the expedient of wearing drawers of muslin has been re- 
 sorted to, which,, in some instances, are converted by 
 Dashers into trowsers, with the addition of a deep fringe of 
 lace, which is carefully displayed by the shortness of the 
 petticoat dangling about the ancles. So much for decency! 
 
 f This article of dress, not only obviates any pressure 
 upon the bosom, but, if necessity requires it, substitutes, 
 by cotton wadding, any deficiency. With respect to the 
 stomach, and Butler's renowned seat of honour, the wad- 
 ding is also continued to that part, with the addition of 
 whalebone, so as to compress the (levant, and give elasticity 
 
OF NEW FASHIONS. V 
 
 Naught was the swelling Pad* compar'd to this, 
 Indeed, for beauty it was ne'er design'd ; 
 
 But that a woman still might seem a miss> 
 A single hour before she was confin'd. 
 
 Tight let the Grecian tresses bind the head, 
 And countless ringlets, " A la Recamiere" f 
 
 and rotundity to the derrie re, by which means, should the 
 rude touch of an inebriated carman chance to come in con- 
 tact with honour's throne, the grasp would not be felt, and 
 that much redoubted seat of majesty, would consequently 
 escape insult. 
 
 * This convenient appendage to the stomach, levelled at 
 once all distinctions with single and married ladies, ex- 
 cepting, that what was artificial in the mother, was frequent- 
 ly natural in the daughter. 
 
 f This appellation was derived from the Parisian lady 
 who gave the ton to a vast profusion of cork-screw curls, 
 ranged upon the forehead like rows of twisted wires, simi- 
 lar to what are placed near the cranks of bells to give them 
 elasticity. In order to produce the thin glossy appearance 
 which constitutes the beauty of these tresses, (not unlike 
 the love locks in the time of Charles the First) it is ne- 
 cessary, after curling with the irons, to divide and sub- 
 divide each ringlet, which is then passed through the fin- 
 gers of the dressing woman, who has previously wetted 
 them with some sweet scented oil. 
 
10 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 In greasy order o'er the front be spread, 
 The whole a peruque, * fye on nat'ral hair. 
 
 The deaden'd lustre of that once bright eye, 
 The tinge vermilion with white lead conjoin'd, 
 
 Fain would revive, while health's rose blooming 
 dye, 
 By dissipation long hath been purloin'd. 
 
 Naked the arms, the shoulders too are bare, 
 
 Lest calves and ancles blush men's eyes to meet 
 
 In silk array 'd ; while crimson t clocks compare 
 To flames of fire on Satan's cloven feet. 
 
 * As to nature, she has literally no more to do with 
 modem taste in this particular, than a mag-pie has occasion 
 for a Greek lexicon. How, in the name of common sense, 
 should the simple goddess define what is so suitable to our 
 complexions as we ourselves can? besides, what would be- 
 come of Mr. Collick the hair-merchant, and the numerous 
 gentlemen of Mr. Vicary's calling*. No lady of ton can pos- 
 sibly think of less than ten wigs in constant wear; in short, 
 there should be one suited to every look and to every pas- 
 sion. 
 
 •f The diversity of coloured silk stockings, which have 
 graced the legs of our Belles, has conduced, it is imagined, 
 to heighten their predilection for making those limbs so 
 
OF NEW FASHIONS. II 
 
 No more must female beauties be concealed, 
 Poor decency, alas ! hath had a fall ; 
 
 For men were us'd to wed charms unreveal'd ; 
 But now they marry what is known to all. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Though common decency implores in vain, 
 
 Still must I counsel, and the truth disclose ; 
 For nakedness ensures rheumatic pain, 
 
 So be advis'd, my maids, put on your clothes, 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 very public, by a uniform method now adopted of twitch- 
 ing* up the gown on one side as high as the garter, 
 
 " Honi soit qui mal y pense." 
 
 Some fashionables, however, have not confined these har- 
 lequinade hose to their own legs, but have equipped even 
 their lacqueys in variegated stockings. We do not, however, 
 mean by this, any comparison whatsoever with the bas 
 jaundtre of our blue-coat boys, the former being the insig- 
 nias of puppyism and folly, whereas the latter, are the uni- 
 ted badges of charity, wisdom, and science. 
 
L m 
 
 SECTION III. 
 
 OF OLD FOOLS VIZ. THE LONGER THEY LIVE 
 
 THE MORE THEY ARE GIVEN TO FOLLY. 
 
 The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the 
 way of righteousness. Solomon- 
 
 Spite of the winters thou hast told, 
 Thy frozen blood, thy visage old, 
 I Thy reason still is mute : 
 'Tis not the infancy of age 
 That lulls thy sense—'tis still the rage 
 To wear the youthful suit. 
 
 Thine hairs of honour turn'd quite gray, , 
 By thee contemn'd, are shorn away, 
 In flaxen tresses, 'ray'd ; * 
 
 * Every reader must allow the justice of these remarks 
 of the poet, for even the most casual observer cannot saun- 
 ter down Bond Street in the fashionable season, without 
 witnessing living objects of this cast, whose gray hairs, 
 
OF OLD FOOLb. i ; 
 
 Instead of suit demure, I see 
 Thy wither'd frame in foppery- 
 Through Bond Street oft parade. 
 
 I hear no precepts from thy tongue, 
 To check th' imprudence of the young*, 
 
 Thyself more fool than they ; 
 Experience having knock'd in vain 
 To gain admittance to thy brain, 
 
 Obscur'd is wisdom's ray. 
 
 The wise contemn, the young deride, 
 For thee respect is e'en deny'd ; 
 From sentiment exempt ; 
 
 -.he insignias of age, and the ensurers of respect, are 
 shaven off; while in their place is substituted a curly boy- 
 ish wig, accompanied with the extravagant livery of the 
 latest fashion, and gouty feet wedged into thin dress 
 pumps, which, notwithstanding their natty appearance, 
 convince the wearer at every step, by the acuteness of the 
 twinge endured, that the guise of youth does not become 
 him. Yet, all in vain, he bids defiance to advice, nor heeds 
 the poet who exclaims. 
 
 Sperne voluptates, nocet empta dolore voluptas. 
 
 D 
 
14 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Thy death-bed views thee void of friend, 
 When gone, no tongue laments thine end, 
 Thy passing knell's — Contempt.* 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 The hoary head, with wisdom's radiance crown'd, 
 
 Lives to inculcate what experience taught ; 
 In death bequeathing this bright truth profound, 
 
 I liv'd to learn — left others wisdom fraught. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 
 Come trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 * It is most assuredly a matter of serious regret, that 
 the vain folly of old persons is far more detrimental to the 
 rising* generation than to themselves. With what degree 
 of confidence, let me ask, can the preceptor and instructor 
 produce as an example, such a father to the pupil he is 
 tutoring? If his lessons are correct, they must inevitably 
 hold up the parent in a contemptible and debased point of 
 view; and if, on the other hand, he vindicates the follies of 
 the father, he extends the fostering hand to vice, and thus 
 willingly contaminates the mind which he was imperiously 
 called upon to rear in the paths of science, virtue, and ho- 
 nour. 
 
 A testa bianca spesso cervello manca. 
 
E u } 
 
 SECTION IV. 
 
 • F OLD FOOLS WHO HANKER AFTER YOUNG 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Concubitu prohibere vago. 
 
 Hast thou sixty winters counted, 
 And on back of goat still mounted 
 
 With a celt's toothy in thine head : 
 Front quite bald, and small eyes leering, 
 Lips which still proclaim thee steering 
 
 To the harlot's reeking bed ? 
 
 Now by some dark alleys waiting, 
 Hottest lust thy soul elating, 
 All thy wither'd limbs on fire ; 
 
 f There might be many instances adduced of this pro- 
 pensity still remaining" in full force with persons, though 
 not even a stump of the strongest grinder is left in their 
 jaws. Such a deficiency, however, is easily replaced by 
 rows of ivory, which speedily imbibe a deep yellow tinge, 
 a certain index of the raging and unquenchable fire that 
 burns within. 
 
 i The picture here displayed by the poet, cannot be 
 
3 6 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Knees unsteady, legs quite spindle, 
 Bloodless frame, that seems to dwindle, 
 Parch'd with feverish vain desire. 
 
 AH thy life one scene of riot, 
 Days unsteady, nights unquiet, 
 
 Fancy ever on the rack ; 
 Forming plans for which thou'rt thirsting^ 
 But on trial prove disgusting, 
 
 Heaping ennui on thy back. 
 
 Senseless idiot; driv'ller* tell me, 
 Think'st thou virtue e'er will sell thee 
 Mind untainted, beauty, grace ! 
 
 :nore strikingly exemplified than in the first plate of the 
 Harlot's Progress, from the pencil of that inimitable satirist, 
 Hogarth, which displays the arrival of a beautiful country 
 girl in the metropolis, who is supposed to have that moment 
 alighted from the waggon, being accosted by an artful 
 procuress; while in the back ground appears the infamous 
 
 Colonel C rt — s, her employer, whose age and attitude 
 
 may serve as a resemblance of our poet's hoary headed 
 debauchee. 
 
 * Nothing affords matter for more melancholy reflec- 
 tion, than to witness this dotage in men who, during the 
 vigourof manhood, ennobled themselves; a striking instance 
 of which is recorded in the person of the renowned Ed- 
 
OF OLD FOOLS. T'f 
 
 Aged impotence,! believe me, 
 All thy fancy'd joys deceive thee, 
 Thine's the harlot's bought embrace. 
 
 l 'envoy of the poet. 
 The soul's great bane is mental idleness : 
 Watch ev'ry thought, nor let the mind be 
 mute. 
 
 ward III who at the age of 77, was the slave of one Alice 
 Pearce, whom he denominated the " Lady of beauty ," and 
 in whose honour tiltings and tournaments were held in 
 Smithfield, at which the court attended. But nothing can 
 more pointedly display the folly of such conduct than the 
 close of that great man's life, who was attended on his 
 death-bed by this fascinating dame, who, finding the mon- 
 arch's end fast approaching, threw aside all those fascina- 
 tions which she had been in the habit of adopting to sub- 
 jugate him, and, blind to every principle but that of inte- 
 rest, even at the trying hour of dissolution, she busied her- 
 self in tearing the jewels from off his fingers, and posses- 
 sing every thing valuable that presented itself to her view*. 
 
 t The great and politic Elizabeth, when in her 76th year, 
 doted on the memory of the Earl of Essex, for whom a so- 
 lemn dance was given, at which Mrs. Tiffin, one of her la- 
 dies, was habited in character, and presented herself to 
 
 D2 
 
18 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 If temperance in youth checks rash excess, 
 Its sober pleasures with its years shall suit. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 the queen, who, pretending to be surprised at her appear- 
 ance, demanded, 
 
 " Pray, who are you? " 
 
 " Affection," answered Mrs. Tiffin. 
 
 " Affection's false," replied the queen. Upon which 
 the lady wooed her Majesty to dance, which, we are in- 
 formed, she did most solemnly, in despite of age and the 
 falsehood of affection . 
 
C 19 ] 
 
 SECTION V. 
 
 of such as know nothing, and will learn 
 nothing; or of fools oppressed by their 
 own folly. 
 
 Though thou shouldst bray a fool in a mortar, among 
 wheat, with a pestle, yet will not his folishness depart 
 from him. Solomon. 
 
 Say, what is this, a painted butterfly, 
 Or antic harlequin of motly dye, 
 
 What is't that thus disgraceth human nature ? 
 Tis Adam's progeny in face and shape, 
 In port and conduct but a very ape ;t 
 
 A man of fashion : vile, insipid creature ! 
 
 t Indeed there are too many of this description, whose 
 painted cheeks, perfumed linen, blackened eyebrows, and 
 stay-laced shapes, together with affected utterance, dis- 
 grace the title of manhood. 
 
 Simia quam similis, turpissima bestia, nobis. 
 
 Now tell me, ye petit maitres y do ye know your like- 
 nesses? 
 
20 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 His speech a lisp, his gaze a vacant stare, 
 His walk a drawl, and listlessness his air, 
 
 While for his manhood he's the taylor's debtor, 
 With wadded coat and wadded short clothes too, 
 With tight-lac'd stays, that he may seem to view 
 
 A killing youth — a felon hung in fetter. 
 
 What, felon ! Yea ; but not of common sense ; 
 Purloiner of an idiot's impudence, 
 
 For arm'd with follyf loudly he'll bespatter; 
 Talk of his wench ; naught else has he to say : 
 And fright the subjects on the king's highway, 
 
 Who Beth'lem's guest j believe him by his 
 chatter. 
 
 | Not only in conversation do these hermaphrodites prove 
 that ex nihilo nihil fit, they have even sometimes the ef- 
 frontery to set themselves up for men of literature, when 
 they never fail to verify the line of Horace. 
 
 Boeotum in crasso jurares aere natum. 
 
 J 1 should advise a revision of the code of laws, insti- 
 tuted for the suppression of public nuisances; among- the 
 foremost of which ought certainly to be included these 
 pests of society, whom I would render indictable by men of 
 common sense, subjecting them to the public lash of the ri- 
 dicule they so richly deserve. 
 
OF FASHIONABLE FOOLS. St 
 
 At night the man of ton, prepar'd for rout, 
 With op'ra hat and folly tinsell'd out, 
 
 Determined is thro' thick and thin to dash on. 
 Splutters forth nonsense, which, with kindred 
 
 elves, 
 Passes for wit; because they are themselves 
 Yoke fellowsf all, and people of high 
 fashion.^ 
 
 f There is nothing very wonderful in this, when we ask 
 the simple question, and hear its solution, Quare faeit opi- 
 um dormire ? Quia in eo est virtus dormitiva. 
 
 J As a convincing proof that the most trivial circum- 
 stances will agitate these things — these men of straw, the 
 following stanzas are founded on absolute fact, the de- 
 spairing youth being one of our refined fashionable literati, 
 
 In circles of fashion Sir Saunter was known; 
 His manners, in all things, were purely his own; 
 He always was busy with nothing to do, . 
 Wou'd fret if his buckle sat ill on his shoe; 
 Was nervous and dying, good natur'd and easy, 
 And prattled soft nothing, in order to please ye. 
 
 It happ'd on a time, 'twas at Chiswick, they say, 
 A Dutchess gave breakfast at five in the day. 
 Sir Saunter, of course, 'mid the foremost was seen, 
 To simper and saunter with all on the green, 
 
22 the ship of fools. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Instil sage precepts in the youthfnl brain. 
 
 Cull ev'ry weed, each dawning passion scan 2 
 Maturity shall well requite thy pain, 
 
 And dignify with science rising man. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 Where England's first prince a with a smile on each 
 
 feature, 
 Receiv'd ev'ry greeting with cordial good nature* 
 
 Sir Saunter then tripp'd to a lady so kind, 
 
 O! madam, said he, I've a weight on my mind; 
 
 Indeed, now the truth of the matter is this, 
 
 I'm only one shade from the regions of bliss; 
 
 For had my green eoat been but darker one dye, 
 
 ? T would have match'd with the prince's as I am like I. 
 
C 23 3 
 
 SECTION VL 
 
 GF FOOLISH COUNSELLORS, JUDGES, AND MEN 
 OF LAW, 
 
 To do justice and judgment is more acceptable to the Lord 
 than sacrifice. Solomon. 
 
 II retto giudice piu alia giustitia, che a gli huomini ha 
 riguardo. 
 
 And can no quibble law itself excuse ; 
 Must I condemn thee spite of all thy ruse ? 
 
 A wond'rous tale my chronicle now tells : 
 For in the place of judge's robe sedate, 
 The lawyer's garb, the wig* on counsel's pate, 
 
 I view a zany's ladle, ears, and bells. 
 
 * The owl-like consequence transferred by a copious 
 -wig to the physiognomy of the wearer is never more strik- 
 ingly exemplified than in Westminster Hall, where the tiers 
 of benches are certainly crowded with wigs on blocks; for 
 out of the number of their wearers, half a dozen only ren- 
 der themselves conspicuous: the rest being merely auto- 
 matons: and of them it may indeed, with truth be said, The 
 
THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Say what's thy judgment, pr'ythee, silly ass, 
 Brittle thyself as any Venice glass ; 
 
 Dar'st thou take life which Heav'n alone 
 
 can give ? 
 
 What are thy quirks, deceitful man of law ? 
 What are thy pleadings, counsel, when a flaw 
 Condemns the guiltless, bids the guilty live. 
 
 wisdom's hi the wig, the wig — the wisdom's in the wig. 
 The following little anecdote, being very applicable to our 
 young wearers of the bar gown, is here introduced by way 
 of a friendly hint to those flippant youths, whose bags are 
 as void of briefs as their heads of brains. 
 
 A young, pert, prating lawyer one day boasted to the 
 facetious counsellor Costello, that he had received five and 
 twenty guineas, for speaking in a certain cause, " And I," 
 said Mr. Costello, " received double that sum for holding 
 my tongue in the same cause." But to recur to the sub- 
 ject of our note. In delineating the sapience displayed by 
 the human physiognomy, when surrounded by this copious 
 appendage of hair, our Hogarth has proved himself no less 
 excellent, than on every Other occasion, wherein he has 
 given scope to his extraordinary talents: for let my reader 
 but refer to that artist's plate concerning wigs, and their 
 wearers; and however unacquainted with the rules of La- 
 vater, he, nevertheless, cannot fail to discover at the first 
 glance stupidity, ignorance, and gluttony, embosomed in 
 the ample wig. 
 
©F FOOLISH COUNSELLORS. 2 a 
 
 Right is to thee a pleasing masquerade ; 
 Thine object's lucre ; justice but a trade : 
 The fee will win thee, be it foul or fair. 
 Browbeat* the evidence, turn black to white, 
 Hoodwink the jury by sophistic flight, 
 Hear innocence condemn'd : what need'st 
 thou care. 
 
 Sable/ s thy robe : well fitted to impart 
 The sabler dye that stains thy callous heart, 
 
 Glutted with gold, by fell extortion got. 
 Thy darling principle is self alone: 
 The cries of injur'd, and the pris'ner's groan, 
 
 Ne'er urge thee to commiserate their lot. 
 
 l 'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Mark o'er thine head now hangs the steady scale, 
 Poiz'd in the hand supreme the balance see; 
 
 * This. plan of browbeating, or to speak more properly, 
 frightening a witness out of his wits, which is merely sub- 
 stituting one letter for another, making him witless instead 
 of vxtnesst is now reduced to a regular system; consequently 
 the grand art of counsel at present is not only to force an 
 upright man to commit perjury by this species of tongue- 
 baiting, but also cause a verdict to be given against the 
 party who has justice on his side. 
 
 E 
 
26 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Knock at thy breast, and should stern justice 
 fail, 
 Think on that judgment which must wait 
 on thee. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis 
 
[ 27-.] 
 
 SECTION VII. 
 
 OF FOOLISH MODERN WIVES AND FASHION- 
 ABLES. 
 
 As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair wo- 
 jnan which is without discretion. Solomon. 
 
 Ye dames of title, by example led, 
 
 May safely wrong your senseless husband's bed ; 
 
 Fearless of monitor or partial blame, 
 
 Since mere publicity entails your shame. 
 
 Ye feel no spark of love's celestial fire ; 
 Yours th' infuriate throb of fierce desire, 
 With mind thus tutor'd, caution is your plan : 
 "Tis naught to you, so man succeeds to man.* 
 
 * Notwithstanding this apparent ill nature of the poet, 
 there are, nevertheless, sufficient public examples to bear 
 him out in his assertions; but had he been possessed of the 
 powers of the famous devil on two sticks, which would 
 have enabled him to learn such instances as were hidden 
 from publicity — merciful Heaven! what would he not then 
 have had to say! for Quae fuerant vitia mores sunt: and the 
 contagion is now become general: for the prim citizen's 
 wife knows the practical meaning of the word intrigue 
 
~8 THE S*IT OF TOOLS. 
 
 But if, alas ! some chambermaid espies, 
 Through crack or key-hole, with her praying eyes, 
 Such little tiltings, straight some scribbling wag 
 Will advertise your cast off camphire bag.f 
 
 equally as well as the west end of the town lady of title; 
 and we may therefore very justly say, 
 
 Behold the dutchess or the countess free, 
 With mind as prone to sensuality 
 As Mrs. Tabby, that on pent-house mews, 
 Or Drury's ladies, who frequent the stews: 
 Yet not to titled dames alone must I 
 Attribute these soft failings; by the bye, 
 Tradesmen and cits your titled great may scorn; 
 But they alike are deck'd with cuckold's horn. 
 
 But all this is very excusable, when put in competition with 
 the loves of ancient heroines; witness Pasiphce, who received 
 the tender embraces of a bull, and Semiramis those of 
 horses, &c. &c. 
 
 f Never surely was a more facetious adventure than that 
 alluded to in the above line; and, as the lady did not exactly 
 understand her own mind, nor the youth precisely know how 
 to win her for a time, we will, by way of advice for young 
 gentlemen in future, note down a prescription which never 
 yet was found to fail in its effects. 
 
 Whene'er a woman vows she's chaste, 
 
 Then gently clasp her round the waist ; 
 
OF FOOLISH MODERN WIVES. ~V 
 
 Then what ensues ? like Richard for his horse, 
 The horned husband cries, divorce, divorce ; 
 Flies to the commons,t spends his money there, 
 And sanction'd by the Lords, pans with his fair. 
 
 So even justice having made one — two, 
 Religion sanctions what the laws undo : 
 And thus th' adult'rer, who the wife purloin'dj 
 By holy wedlock 's to th* adult'ress join'd, 
 
 Whene'er she strives to ape the prude, 
 
 Be bold: you cannot be too rude. 
 
 But when she vows she'll naught permit, 
 
 She means to ask, and will submit; 
 
 For all her practice is but guile ; 
 
 'Tis nay for yea, and frown for smile. 
 
 f It is surely a very hard case that a poor man should be 
 compelled to wear his antlers, without being" permitted to 
 butt with them; leaving him to exclaim withLucio, in Mea- 
 sure for Measure, "Married to a punk is pressing to death, 
 whipping and hanging." But such is however the case, since 
 none who cannot well pay for their sport, are entitled to 
 redress from the gentlemen of the Commons; consequently 
 in this particular the great and the rich have the best of it ; 
 and it is doubtless, on this account, they make so light of 
 publicity in matters of love ; as they delicately term such 
 gross dereliction from conjugal duties. 
 
 E2 
 
> THE SHIP OF FOOLS. .. 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Rear'd in the paths of chastity, a wife 
 
 Should guard her honour and her husband's 
 fame: 
 
 And teach her children that a spotless life 
 Entails bliss here — hereafter a good name. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis. 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 31 ] 
 
 SECTION VIII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO CONTEMN AND DESPISE 
 RELIGION. 
 
 Parcus deorum cultor, et infrequens insanientis dum 
 sapientix consultuserro; nunc retrorsum vela dare atque 
 iterare cursus cogor relictos. 
 
 To taunt religion now a days, 
 
 And laugh to scorn all sacred writ ; 
 
 From idiot tongues ensures loud praise, 
 And passes for consummate wit. 
 
 The Church, with ev 5 ry form of Pray'r, 
 For reason's Temple t men disdain ; 
 
 And turn to jest the pastor's care, 
 
 Because some points he can't explain. 
 
 fMuchhas been, and is said, of the Age of Reason -^the 
 Temple of Reason, and the Goddess of Reason, yet it is not 
 a little to be wondered at, that those very beings who so con- 
 stantly make these their themes are in themselves the most 
 unreasonable; for while maintaining strenuously such opi- 
 nions, they nevertheless allow, that if the world was peopled 
 
32 tHE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 " What," cries the Deist, with a sneer, 
 
 " Redemption ! — Priests may gain their ends ;" 
 
 " But would a parent pay so dear 
 " As give a son to save his friends?" 
 
 " A great First Cause, 55 the Atheists cry, 
 " Consummate nonsense to advance ; 55 
 
 " That boundless space which men call sky 55 
 " Contains a God — there's none but Chance" 
 
 And canst thou jeer at mercy's theme, 
 Nor think upon thy soul's dread loss ? 
 
 Canst thou deride, for impious dream, 
 Thy bleeding Saviour on the Cross ; 
 
 throughout with men who had laid down such principles as 
 the basis of their conduct through life, every human institu- 
 tion would be at an end, and a general scene of devastation 
 characterise the face of nature; but in order to validate this 
 position beyond a doubt, the train of events which disgraced 
 revolutionary France, bid defiance to all contradiction, pro- 
 ving, that those children of Reason were every thing but 
 rational, being even debased by enormity that enhorrors hu- 
 man nature. Such then being the case, farewel to Reason, 
 which is not sanctioned by religion, for, Ludere cum sacris 
 never yet was found to constitute a part of the creed of any 
 wise and rational being; but, on the contrary, has been to- 
 lerated only by madmen, knaves, and fools. 
 
OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE RELIGION. h'j 
 
 For shame, for shame, no longer yield, 
 Thy dormant faith arouse from sleep ; 
 
 Drive irreligion from the field, 
 
 Nor laugh at what made angels weep. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 If doubts assail thee, bid thy reason speak : 
 
 This truth must ev'ry wav'ring thought disarm ; 
 
 That faith whose attribute is mild and meek, 
 Can only tend to good — not lead to harm. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
34 ] 
 
 SECTION IX. 
 
 OF FOOLISH GLUTTONS AND DRUNKARDS. 
 
 Be not among wine-bibbers; among riotous eaters of 
 
 flesh. 
 For the Drunkard and the Glutton shall come to poverty; 
 
 and drowsiness shall clothe a man with rags. 
 
 Solomon. 
 
 To city feast t my prying gaze I turn, 
 Profusion on the board I there discern, 
 
 t Repasts of this nature have long been proverbial; nor 
 does the appearance of the leading men east of Temple 
 Bar, bely the general opinion of their capability and prow- 
 ess at the knife and fork exercise: in vain doth moderation 
 cry out, Lucisti satis, edisti satis atque bibisti; tempus 
 abire tibi est; deaf to all such warnings, they continue the 
 attack; and instances have been known, that, on the arrival 
 of an unexpected dish, the already gorged alderman, thrown 
 into an ecstacy at the luscious view, has waddled from the 
 table, and having, by the assistance of potent libations of 
 salt and water, eased in some degree the over-burdened 
 stomach, he has forthwith returned to charge the object of 
 his gluttony, and satiated his vengeance by a glorious in- 
 digestion. Plures crapula quam gladius. O despicable glut- 
 
OF GLUTTONOUS FOOLS. bo 
 
 While goggle eyesf stare eager to begin: 
 With smack of lips the pil'd up ladle see 
 Reeking with callipash and callipee, 
 
 For forc'd meat balls they dash thro' thick 
 and thin. 
 
 The ven'son next, then turkeys, geese and chine, 
 Wash'd down with oceans of Maderia wine ; 
 
 ton, think but on the tortures which thou inflictest on the 
 poor skate, ere it is crimped, to satiate thine appetite, and 
 blush to own thyself a human being. 
 
 f At all periods has the inordinate gratification of this 
 sense been considered by its votaries. The famed Anacre- 
 on, greedily indulging his appetite, was choked with a 
 grape stone. Heliogabalus delighted in feasting on the 
 tongues of nightingales and the brains of peacocks; while 
 the followers of Epicurus ransacked the culinary art, in 
 order to invent dishes that were calculated to pamper this 
 bestial propensity. Nay, and among the tribe of guttling 
 fools of more modern date may rank Worlidge the famous 
 engraver of gems, who was so fond of good living as to ex- 
 expend one guinea on a pint of peas, although he had not at 
 the time a shoe to his foot, and was literally repairing to a 
 disciple of Crispin's, in order to procure a pair, when in 
 Covent Garden Market, this fascinating object presented 
 itself to his greedy eyes. 
 
ob THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Fricandoes, fricassees, veal, mutton, beef; 
 Tarts, custards, jellies, blanc mange, and ice 
 
 creams : 
 Such are the joys ally'd to city dreams ; 
 
 For gold they labour, guttling'st their relief. 
 
 \ Hogarth's celebrated print of the election feast, affords 
 an inimitable picture of excess in gluttony, displayed in the 
 representation of one of the party at the electioneering 
 feast, who being overgorged, is just expiring of a fit of 
 apoplexy, while at the end of the fork, still grasped in his 
 hand, appears an oyster, which had been intended for the 
 next mouthful. But although many instances in real life 
 have been related of the inordinate love of guttling which 
 has characterised the natives of this island, it is never- 
 theless conceived, that the reader must allow, from the fol- 
 lowing statement, that the natives of other countries may 
 out-eat us. During the last war, a Prussian soldier at 
 Liverpool literally devoured at one meal — a live cat — two 
 pounds of bullock's liver, and two pounds of candles : with 
 respect to rats and mice, they were regarded as such choice 
 dainties in his estimation, that he would voraciously des- 
 patch all that came in his way, and it is absolutely a fact, 
 that this ravenous propensity created such an acute feeling, 
 that the drummer and fifer boys were afraid of appearing 
 before this cormorant, lest he should be led to take a fancy 
 to an arm or a shoulder, and suddenly place his grinders in 
 contact with human flesh. 
 
OF GLUTTONOUS FOOLS, 3 7 
 
 To find out drunkards,* I need not go far, 
 They're west as well as east, of Temple Bar; 
 
 For noble, seaman, soldier, churchman too, 
 The 'squire, the peasant, nay, the modest lambs, 
 I mean our ladies — they with frequent drams, 
 
 Will fuddle noses till they're red and blue. 
 
 * In speaking of drunkenness, Arcanum clemens detegit 
 ebrietas, it is not only the foe to decency and reason, but 
 when indulged in to excess, absolutely incapacitates the 
 sot from the smallest corporeal effort. As a proof of this, 
 a fact is recorded of a certain military commander, who in- 
 dulged in copious libations at the mess table, from which 
 all the company had retired, excepting himself and one 
 bottle companion, with whom he chose to complete the de- 
 bauch over a large bowl of punch. This son of Mars having 
 drank for a time until he had rendered his companion sense- 
 less, and desirous of proving himself a superior votary to 
 the orgies of Bacchus, grasped the vessel, in order to 
 empty its contents, when finding himself incapable of rais- 
 ing it to his lips, from the effects of inebriety, he bent his 
 mouth to the edge of the bowl, which he tilted, resting his 
 arms on the table, and while in this position, being unsteady 
 from the effect of liquor, he slipped forward, when his face 
 became immerged in the intoxicating draught, and in that 
 situation he continued immovable, and was shortly suffo- 
 cated. But not to speak of such deadly effects, the mere 
 inebriety which constitutes the boast of mankind may al- 
 
 F 
 
38 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 See nature's paragon bereft of sense, 
 With gait unsteady, prone to impudence, 
 
 And ev'ry act that's loathsome in the beast ; 
 Such is our Bacchus — but my picture's done, 
 If in the human frame I view as one 
 
 A drunkard and a glutton at a feast. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 From all intemperance let man abstain, 
 And sober reason be his constant guide; 
 
 He ne'er in folly's boat will share the pain, 
 Of such as row at once 'gainst wind and tide. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 ways be said to verify on the ensuing morning these lines 
 of Horace. 
 
 Corpus onustum 
 
 Hesternis vitiis animum quoque praegravat una. 
 
 And speaking of the capability of the English in drinking, 
 Shakspeare thus expresseth himself. 
 
 " I learned it in England, where indeed they are most 
 
OF GLUTTONOUS FOOLS. 39 
 
 potent in potting*; your Dane, your German, and your swag- 
 bellied Hollander, are nothing" to your English. 
 
 Is your Englishman so exquisite in his drinking? 
 
 Why he drinks you with facility your Dane dead drunk; 
 he sweats not, to overthrow your Almain; he gives your 
 Hollander a vomit ere the next pottle can be filled." 
 
40 
 
 SECTION X. 
 
 OF YOUNG FOOLS WHO MARRY OLD ONES 
 FOR LOVE OF GOLD. 
 
 Non id videndum, conjugum lit bonis bona ; 
 At ut ingenium congruat et mores moribus ; 
 ProbitaS, pudorque virgini dos optima est. 
 
 What mighty spell pervades thy breast, 
 Canst thou caress and be caress'd ; 
 
 By one in years grown old? 
 Canst thou from that pale shrivel'd lip, 
 The nectar strive of love* to sip ; 
 
 And all for baleful gold ? 
 
 * The following lines, so applicable to the point in ques- 
 tion, are here introduced, in order to finish the picture of 
 the poet. 
 
 Or now bebold the man by fortune cross'd. 
 His vessel on the sea of mis'ry toss'd; 
 He for a competence will sell his youth, 
 And meanly vow the opposite to truth; 
 Ah, silly fbol! how soon the vision flies, 
 That lately dazzled thy too eager eyes! 
 
OF FOOLISH MARRIAGES. 41 
 
 Canst thou invigorate that frame, 
 Give age's ice youth's ardent flame ; 
 
 Can blissful love be sold ? 
 Canst thou before the altar kneel,* 
 And swear to what thou ne'er canst feel, 
 
 The wretched slave of gold. 
 
 Bid waters freeze in summer's glow, 
 Bid roses bloom 'mid Alpine snow, 
 When northern blasts blow cold ; 
 
 How loathsome the idea — O Heav'n! to feel 
 The skinny carcase tow'rd your person steal; 
 Seeking" with wanton wish the marriage due, 
 Alas! how vainly claiming it from you! 
 From you, incompetent and cold as death, 
 Repulsive, loathing, peevish in a breath; 
 Cursing internally the marry'd state, 
 Repentant, when repentance comes too late, 
 
 * However we may laugh, on viewing the effusions of the 
 painter, we cannot but inwardly moralize on contemplating 
 that plate in the series of the Rake's progress, which por- 
 trays the youthful spendthrift in the act of uniting himself 
 with one old enough to be his grandmother. Let any indivi- 
 dual but observe therein the liquorish eye of squinting age, 
 blinking towards the visage of cool and passionless youth* 
 and nothing more need be alleged on the subject of impro- 
 per marriages. 
 
 F2 
 
4.2 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 As friends bid truth and falsehood meet. 
 So shall thy vows enraptur'd greet, 
 Connubial bliss for gold. 
 
 Let sanction'd priest the rites begin, 
 Let parents tolerate the sin, 
 
 By av'rice thou'rt inrolPd ; 
 Yet ere one month thou'lt curse* thy vow, 
 Thy parents — and too late allow, 
 
 Thy mis'ry 's seal'd by gold. 
 
 * A very melancholy fact is related by a French author, 
 which, although not exactly analogous to the subject of 
 this section, is nevertheless calculated to prove the misery 
 of ill assorted unions. The parents of a very beautiful young 
 lady, allured by the fascinations of superior wealth, be- 
 stowed the hand of their dejected Mariana on a very rich, 
 but aged advocate; the unfortunate sufferer, who had solely 
 yielded her acquiescence on the score of duty, brooded but 
 for a day on the wretchedness of her situation; for on the 
 morn which succeeded the nuptials, the melancholy bride, 
 breaking an egg, mingled with the same a deadly poison 
 unperceived; when leisurely eating the contents, she ex- 
 claimed, " My parents commanded the union, and by my 
 obedience I have given them proofs of my devotion to their 
 will; more they cannot require of me, for in obeying, I die 
 for them!" 
 
OF FOOLISH MARRIAGES. 4S 
 
 ft 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Nature this truth proclaims with clarion tongue. 
 
 Congenial years ne'er feel love's diminution; 
 But when the gold of age allures the young, 
 
 Such rite becomes a legal prostitution. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS., 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis^, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 44 J 
 
 SECTION XL 
 
 OF VENAL FOOLS. 
 
 Auro pulsa fides, auro venalia jura, 
 Aurum lex sequitur, mox sine lege pudor. 
 
 Some fools, to pile up golden stores, 
 Turn reputation out of doors ; 
 And for dame Fortune, dote upon her 
 So much — as to impound their honour, 
 Selling for wealth what should be giv'n, 
 To pave their pathway straight to heav'n. 
 
 Proud big wigs, our religion's props, 
 Archbishops holy, and bishops : 
 Great statesmen, when they fill high places, 
 Nay princes, and your noble graces, 
 Must, doctors-like, ensure their snacks, 
 And finger* fees behind their backs, 
 
 * The old story of ins and outs is extremely applica- 
 ble to the burden of this section: the object of the former 
 being- places, places, pensions, pensions; while the cry of the 
 
OF VENAL FOOLS. 4o 
 
 Your upright judges;* office clerks, t 
 Churchwardens, \ beadles, all are sharks ; 
 
 latter is peculation, and violation of the rights of the subject; 
 yet let the ins be out and the outs be in, the cry is then equally 
 reversed : for, after all, gold is the primum mobile, in the 
 attainment of which, imposition and the abuse of the liber- 
 ties of the people is a trifle, unworthy the consideration of 
 any statesman; with whom, independence is a bugbear, and 
 honour the scarecrow of fools. 
 
 * Yes; even the solemn dignitaries of the law are not 
 proof against this golden talisman; for the judge would sit 
 mum chance', nor give animation to his wig, did not the fees 
 of office move the court to hear the complaints of the op- 
 pressed. 
 
 t Gentle reader, if it ever has been thy unfortunate lot 
 to be a dangler upon these consequential nuisances, thou 
 must have discovered that they are ten times more insuf- 
 ferable than their superiors; a circumstance which is mor- 
 tifying in a two-fold degree, as they do not only lack the 
 consequence of office, but also the refinements of educa- 
 tion, and the suaviter in modo, which arises from an inter- 
 course with polished society. 
 
 X These petty parish kings have a peculiar itch for 
 plunder, which they gratify in the following manner: sup- 
 pose, for instance, that a stonemason be the warden, you 
 will never fail to see a scaffolding around the steeple, for 
 then the church needs some essential repairs; if it be a 
 
46 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Your jailors; * nay, the hangman too 
 Is venal, and must have his due, 
 Since culprits' fee his purse must deck, 
 Ere he'll pull legs to break a neck. 
 
 O ! were there statutes criminal, sir, 
 Against the acts of men venal, sir, 
 With sterling truth my muse might say, 
 With fam'd Mackheath, of witty Gar/, 
 " 'Twou'd thine the land such tribes to see, 
 By Jack Ketch strung on Tyburn tree." 
 
 plumber who fills the important office, the tiles or slating 
 are deemed improper guardians of the edifice, and lead 
 supplies their place; and should a carpenter rule the roast, 
 he proves himself a chip of the old block, by the erection 
 of new pews throughout the house of prayer. 
 
 Thus each obedient to his call, 
 
 The parish robs — knaves all, knaves all. 
 
 • Nothing is so essential, on entering a prison, as the 
 garnish of Mackheath: from the jailor to his clerks, from 
 the clerks to the turnkeys, the cry is, Garnish, captain, 
 garnish! in short, without it misfortune and virtuous 
 poverty may perish on the pitiless stones ; while swindlers 
 and depredators, who have subjected families to ruin, com- 
 mand respeet, and enjoy e\evy luxury » 
 
OF VENAL FOOLS. 47 
 
 J. ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 Gold, that by any unjust means is um'd, 
 Although punition's lash the sin escape, 
 
 Is but against its foul possessor turn'd, 
 Debauching honesty in syren's shape. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 48 J 
 
 SECTION XII. 
 
 €>F FOOLS WHO MASQUERADE AT MIDNIGHT. 
 
 You must forget to be a woman; change 
 Command into obedience ; fear, and niceness, 
 (The handmaids of all women, or, more truly, 
 Woman its pretty self,) to a waggish courage; 
 Ready in gibes, quick-answer'd, saucy, and 
 As quarrellous as the weazel : nay, you must 
 Forget that rarest treasure of your cheek, 
 Exposing it (but Oh, the harder heart! 
 Alack, no remedy) to the greedy touch 
 Of common kissing Titan; and forget 
 Your laboursome and dainty trims, wherein 
 You made great jfuno angry. 
 
 Though fool thyself, thou canst not rest con- 
 tent, 
 But, clad in borrow'd guise, thou shows't 
 another ; 
 And to thy zany's wit giv'st twofold vent, 
 By aping apes, thyself an apish brother. 
 
OF MASqUERADING FOOLS. 49 
 
 To midnight revel,* clad in tawdry guise, 
 Thy cap and ladle thou art fond of bringing : 
 
 Purblind thyself, thou think'st not other's eyes 
 Thine antics view, as thou thy bells art ring- 
 ing. 
 
 As when the wanton oaf, bereft of sense, 
 And void of dress, kept shamelessly advanc- 
 ing; 
 
 * There is no amusement in this country which has been 
 productive of such ill effects as masquerades, where all 
 distinction of persons is at an end: and where the coarse 
 ribaldry, not to say obscenity, of the illiterate, the vulgar, 
 and the abandoned, is incessantly heard, calling forth the 
 blush from delicacy and feeling. It is at this scene of dis- 
 gusting folly, that the insidious seducer has so frequently 
 put into practice his infamous purposes against unsuspect- 
 ing innocence, or destroyed the peace of an affectionate 
 husband, by effecting his guilty purposes with the mother 
 of a family ; and it is during the riot and confusion attendant 
 on this species of amusement, as it is termed, that the 
 fortune hunter has carried off in triumph the giddy school 
 girl who little dreamt that her money was his sole object; 
 and that she was soon to end the wished-for career of ma- 
 trimony with a broken heart. In short, masquerades in Eng. 
 land are of so despicable a cast, that no woman who is de- 
 
 G 
 
50 
 
 Nor thought that others mark'd his impudence, 
 Sinc^ 'neath a net the naked fool was dancing. 
 
 Or, as the story goes, yclep'd We Three, 
 
 'Neath brace of loggerheads on sign appear- 
 ing: 
 Thou gaping read'st then cry'st, " But two I 
 see;" 
 Thyself the third art — at thyself thus jeering. 
 
 Disdaining rest, soft balm of human life, 
 The jocund morn peeps in upon thy folly ; 
 
 Views thee oppress'd with drunkards'* dreams 
 of strife ; 
 And sees thee rise at eve quite melancholy. 
 
 sirous of being regarded as modest, should frequent a scene 
 that can only' disgust the eye and offend the ear. 
 
 * Inebriety is not merely observable in the male part of 
 creation, but even females too shamelessly indulge at mas- 
 querades in this abominable vice : for the writer has to no- 
 tice with pain, that instances have frequently occurred with- 
 in his knowledge of women, who, in that degrading state, 
 have been guilty of the most beastial conduct; and has literally 
 observed that two thirds of the females present, whether 
 pure or impure, have, by their conduct, sufficiently indicated 
 the deranged state of their intellects ; and on these accounts 
 
OF MASQUERADING FOOLS. 51 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 If mask'd, thou need'st must be my counsel, 
 hear ; 
 
 Thy brother's antics henceforth leave alone ; 
 'Neath Wisdom* s Visor hide thine ass's ear ; 
 
 Then cast at other fools the chiding stone. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 it has been very justly remarked by foreigners, that mas- 
 querades in England " begin stupidly, proceed riotously, 
 and terminate drunkenly." In France, Italy, &c. this amuse- 
 ment is managed otherwise: no inebriety disgraces either 
 sex ; and instead of men placing dependence on dress alone 
 for the support of a character, which is uniformly the case 
 in this country, you never find a foreigner who is not in a 
 great measure calculated to sustain, with wit and humour, 
 the part which he has undertaken to personate. 
 
L -2 ] 
 
 SECTION XIII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO SEEK FORTUNE AT GAMES 
 OF CHANCE, &C. 
 
 Tantum se fortune permittunt, etiam ut naturam de- 
 discant. 
 
 Behold the eager fools at play ; 
 
 Each thinks his fortune to enhance : 
 As if the road that led that way, 
 
 Concentrated in games of chance. 
 
 Now roll the dice : my Lord has won 
 The lands and beeves of poor Sir John. 
 
 My Lord in turn, next night's undone ; 
 His winnings and estate both gone.* 
 
 * Gambling is one of the most diabolical fascinations that " 
 can take possession of the human mind ; and it is on this 
 account that Erasmus, in his Praise of Folly, makes his 
 heroine disclaim all connexion with so destructive a pastime. 
 The gamester has no respect for any of those ties which 
 link the generality of mankind together; and he will as 
 
QF GAMBLING FOOLS. 53 
 
 Eager to gain, the fool sits down ; 
 
 Heedless of caution or advice, 
 He's ruin'd ; not from fortune's frown, 
 
 But black-legs, arm'd with cogged dice.* 
 
 calmly pocket the last guinea of an old friend, as that of 
 the most perfect stranger. An instance of this kind occurred 
 at a subscription house not far from St. James's, where a 
 Right Honourable, after winning the fortune of his friend, 
 literally played for his house and furniture, together with 
 the carriage and horses, then standing at the door ; which 
 fortune also placed in his power, when he very liberally 
 permitted the loser to continue one week in his mansion, 
 and return home from the gambling house in the carriage 
 he had lost ; but, it must be remembered, for the last time- 
 
 * The instability of fortune is not the only circumstance 
 to be dreaded at the gambling table, where every species 
 of fraud is practised by many of its votaries, whose preme- 
 ditated dishonesty bids defiance to good fortune as well 
 us skill. It would however be the height of injustice to ac- 
 cuse only the great as being prone to shake the elbows 
 this fascination pervades alike every rank of society; and 
 even boors at a country wake or fare, must have their E O 
 table, where, instead of thousands, pennies are staked and 
 played for with equal avidity; which brings to recollection 
 the old French proverb: " Le jeu est le Ills d' avarice et le 
 pere du desespoir" 
 
 G2 
 
54 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or on the turf let jockeysf try, 
 
 And on the racer's power presume : 
 
 They too are ruin'd — And for why ? 
 They risk their fortunes with a groom. 
 
 If to the Stock Exchange! you speed, 
 To try with bulls and bears your luck, 
 
 'Tis odds, you soon from gold are freed, 
 And waddle forth a limping duck. 
 
 f The turf is, of all species of gambling, that which 
 capacitates its votaries the most to pursue unjustifiable 
 means for the attainment of gold; so many instances of 
 which have been recorded, that it would be needless to 
 descant further upon the topic. I should, however, be guilty 
 of a most flagrant error, were I not to remark that, when a 
 gentleman degrades himself by turning jockey, I conceive 
 that he is of a bastard breed; and in despite of his estate 
 and rank, merely descends to that natural standard, from 
 which a variety of circumstances had raised him, only to 
 render his real insignificance and folly the more eminently 
 conspicuous. 
 
 f These are your city gamesters, who equally have re- 
 course to fraudulent methods in order to amass wealth; for 
 who but remembers the expedients resorted to during the 
 last war, when even placards were stuck up at the Mansion 
 House ! so completely was the hook swallowed by the Stock 
 
OF GAMBLING FOOLS. 55 
 
 By av'ricef led, when fortune smiles, 
 And answers all the gambler's ends ; 
 
 He still must own his golden piles 
 Were gain'd by ruin of his friends. 
 
 Exchange gudgeons! In short, gambling is at best but an 
 avaricious propensity. A gli avari sempre osce una goccia 
 di sangue avanti che diano un quatrino per amor di Dioj 
 and as it affixes no bounds to its desires, it is equally 
 unrestrained by any principle of honour or of justice: there* 
 fore, when a man stakes his wealth, jacta estalea, and he 
 must abide the hazard of the adventurous enterprize, if not 
 seconded by chicane and villany, which is generally resort- 
 ed to by such as have been subjected to bad luck, and 
 conceive it a just retort for the deprivations thus experien- 
 ced at the shrine of fortune. 
 
 f Avarice being the incentive to gaming, a gambler 
 necessarily carries with him, not only his own bane but 
 that of others; for we may say with Juvenal: 
 
 Dives fieri qui vult, 
 
 Et cito vult fieri 
 is never deterred from the gratification of his insatiable 
 pursuit, either by moral or religious obligations; conse- 
 quently it not only warps the mental, but imperceptibly 
 destroys the animal being; for he who lives alife of incessant 
 anxiety, exists for the purpose alone which excites it, be it 
 good or evil; therefore shun, as one of the most deadly 
 poisons, this improper thirst for riches; and although allu- 
 
56 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 To value gold, its worth should first be known : 
 5 Tis industry gives little, all its zest. 
 
 And he whose labour makes his bread his own, 
 May rank on earth as most supremely blest. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 red by the good luck of others, always remember that 
 there is a loser as well as a winner, and that the odds are 
 against you: so may you exclaim with Virgil: 
 
 Mene salis placidi vultum, fluctusque quietos 
 Zgnorare jubes? mene huic confidere monstro? 
 
[ 57 ] 
 
 SECTION XIV. 
 
 «F FOOLISH PRIESTS AND BABBLING PARSONS 
 IN THE CHOIR. 
 
 I veri predicatori danno frutti, e non fiori. 
 
 To wear the sable garb of sanctity, 
 And be the slave of mundane vanity,* 
 Displeaseth most my thought : 
 
 * There is no rule without an exception; an instance 
 of which will be found in the following anecdote, redoun- 
 ding highly to the credit of the testator; who thereby evin- 
 ced a just sentiment of love for decency, and contempt for 
 the prevalent follies of the age. 
 
 A worthy clergyman, in Yorkshire, lately deceased, 
 bequeathed in his will a considerable property to his only 
 daughter, on the subsequent conditions: First, That she 
 did not enter into the state of matrimony without the con- 
 sent of his two executors, or their representatives. Second- 
 ly, That she dressed with greater decency than she had 
 hitherto been accustomed to do. The testators words were: 
 
 " But as my daughter Ann hath not attended to 
 
 my admonitions, respecting the filthy and lewd custom of 
 dressing with naked elbows, my will is, that in case she 
 
58 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Yet fools there are that boast religion's guise, 
 Whose conduct slurs their functions in men's 
 eyes, 
 Who think the calling naught.* 
 
 persists in so gross a violation of female decency, the whole 
 cf the property devised by me as aforesaid, and intended 
 as a provision for her future life, shall go to the eldest son 
 
 of my sister Caroline and his heirs lawfully begotten. 
 
 To those who may say this restriction is severe, I answer, 
 that an indecent display of personal habiliments in women, 
 is a certain indication of intellectual depravity." 
 
 * As a specimen of that indefatigable zeal which should 
 characterise the clerical robe, the following extract from 
 the Harleian MSS. No. 6824, fob 190, is offered, by way of 
 lesson, to all idle fools of this class. 
 
 Saturday, June 24, 1724, I was at the funeral of the 
 Rev. Mr. Foard, curate of Marybone. The Rev. Mr. Thos. 
 Riddle, who was curate of St. Giles in the Fields, and since 
 lecturer, gave the following account, that on one certain 
 Sunday he [Mr. Riddle] performed the following duties: 
 
 In the morning, married six couple; then read the whole 
 prayers, and preached; after that churched six women. 
 
 In the afternoon, read prayers and preached; christen- 
 ed 32 children; six at home, the rest at the font; buried 13 
 
OF FOOLISH PRIESTS. 59 
 
 In vain these idiot priests this theme pursue, 
 " Do as I say, * but act not as I do ;" 
 As if the quirk would tell : 
 
 corpses, and read the distinct service over each of them 
 separately, and this done by nine at night. 
 
 It was then mentioned by another clergyman, that he had 
 a paper given him to pray for the accomplishment qf a young 
 soman's desires* 
 
 II buon religioso non sa stare ozioso. 
 
 * This trite adage cannot be better applied than in 
 speaking of the clergy, who at all periods, and in all coun- 
 tries, have proved themselves deficient in establishing 
 their precepts by example. From hence has originated all 
 those divisions in religious opinions, which are no where so 
 prevalent as in England, where sectaries may be called 
 the whippers-in of faith: nor can we close this note with- 
 out a quotation from Butler, who, treating on this head, 
 exclaims, 
 
 Where ev'ry village is a see y 
 
 As well as Rome, and must maintain 
 
 A tithe pig metropolitan: 
 
 Where ev'ry presbyter and deacon 
 
 Commands the keys of cheese and bacon; 
 
 And ev'ry hamlet's governed 
 
 By 's holiness, the church's head, 
 
 More haughty and severe in } s place 
 
 Thau Gregory and Boniface. 
 
60 THE SHIP FOOLS. 
 
 " Why acts thou thus?" demands the untaught 
 
 hind, 
 " If with thy wisdom thou dost so ; I find 
 " 'Twill serve my turn as well." 
 
 All eyes, 'tis said, are fix'd on Cato's son. 
 If Cato's son's a fool, 'tis ten to one, 
 
 The multitude reveres : 
 For why ? The fool to his desires * gives scope : 
 Then, if the pastor strays, farewel all hope ; 
 
 His flock the same course steers. 
 
 Show me a drunkard more adept than priest ; 
 Show me a cormorant more staunch at feast ; 
 
 * For a very biting and just satire on every class of 
 ecclesiastical fools connected with the Catholic church, the 
 reader may refer to Erasmus on Folly, who, in the same 
 work, is not merely free in the delivery of his sterling opi- 
 nions respecting many dogmas of that religion, but even 
 proceeds to such lengths, that, considering the era in which 
 he flourished, it is a little astonishing that the hatred of 
 the clergy, which was of course manifested towards him, 
 should not have led them to pursue the most effectual me- 
 thod of silencing so potent an adversary. 
 
OF FOOLISH PRIESTS. 61 
 
 With pride to keep the farce on.f 
 Show me hypocrisy that's more demure ; 
 Show me, who can, less feeling to the poor, 
 
 Than's to be found in parson. 
 
 Instead of clemency — he's unforgiving ; 
 Instead of meekness, his pursuit's a living ; \ 
 For which through thick and thin : 
 
 f The pride of priestcraft hath ever been proverbial; 
 in contradiction to that irresistible humility, which cha- 
 racterized the proceeding's of the Divine Author of Chris- 
 tianity; and the Ego et rex meus of AVolsey is applicable 
 to every wearer of little buckles, canon curls, with the 
 skimming dish hat, and dapper rose, which constitutes its 
 prim ornament. 
 
 $ Let but the lawn sleeves appear in vista, and who 
 ever heard a churchman exclaim nolo episcopari? On the 
 contrary, it is then we view the priest in his real colours: 
 no sycophancy is too degrading, no flattery, though at the 
 expense of truth, is too fulsome: but when the object of 
 his ambition is attained, his low-born pride looks with con- 
 tempt on all, from the pinnacle, to whose summit he hath 
 climbed, and rules with the rod of tyranny the miserable 
 dependents on his haughty caprice. A truly noble spirit 
 never plays the tyrant: it is only the base-born churl, like 
 Thomas a Becket, that would outfrown the brow of majesty; 
 
 H 
 
62 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 For quick preferment he will pander prove; 
 And to ensure his graceless patron's love, 
 Excuse and share his sin. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 The worthy man may teach religion's laws; 
 ' His practice* gives his precept tenfold fame. 
 He stands the champion of the sacred cause; 
 And by his deeds endears religion's name. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 and towering" priests alone aspire to scourge the back of 
 sovereignty. In addition to the arrogance of papal dignity, 
 which formerly compelled sovereigns to kiss a dirty old 
 velvet slipper; and even went so far as to make the backs 
 of emperors mere footstools, in order to help these vice- 
 gerents on their palfrey's backs, it should not be forgotten 
 that we are indebted to a monk for the invention of gun- 
 powder; while Galau, bishop of Minister, was the first who 
 found out that destructive engine of war, a bomb. 
 
 * Buon prelato buon 'esempio. 
 
L 6S 3 
 
 SECTION XV, 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO PRACTISE VILENESS OF 
 MANNERS AT TABLE. 
 
 Noscitur a socio. 
 
 O ! Vou'd that I, the lance could wield, 
 Of graceful, polish'd Chesterfield !* 
 
 My muse might then be able 
 To lash the filthy, slothful vice, 
 Of such as are not over nice, 
 
 When seated at the table. 
 
 * It is impossible to pass over this section of the Poet, 
 without expressing" a sentiment of commiseration for the 
 feeling's of the nobleman above mentioned, when we call to 
 mind the emotion of horror that must have pervaded his 
 breast, on witnessing the conduct of his son at table, who 
 after all the refined instructions which he had received, 
 was so absolutely destitute of delicacy, as to lick up the 
 juice of a current tart from his plate, in the presence of 
 his Lordship and a large party ; on which occasion, his 
 mortified parent ordered the valet into the chamber, in 
 
64 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 From neighbour's glass, with reeking lip, 
 His draught of table beer to sip, 
 
 With teeth a huge bone gnawing ; 
 With mouth by gravy quite defac'd, 
 With elbows on the table plac'd, 
 
 Or other's napkin pawing. 
 
 The plate with vary'd meats high piPd, 
 The frill and neckloth both defil'd, 
 
 While meat 'twixt teeth fast sticking, 
 Since you the cleanly quill disdain, 
 Forth form its bony prison's ta'en, 
 
 With fork your grinders picking. 
 
 order to shave his son, whose physiognomy looked as if it 
 had been lathered with pink instead of white suds. Carv- 
 ing with your own knife and fork ; helping to sauce w 7 ith 
 your own spoon, licking your fingers, and expressing by 
 the greedy look of the eyes, the ravenous propensity of the 
 stomach, may be ranked among those actions which dis- 
 grace the table, and it has even come within the knowledge 
 of the writer, to observe a person at his own house lengthen 
 out the grace before meat, in order to fix upon the parti- 
 cular part of the viand most acceptable to his palate, which 
 he has instantly notified to the company on concluding his 
 benediction in order to prevent any other person present from 
 bearing off the darling prize. 
 
OF UNMANNERLY FOOLS. 
 
 Or when you eat, o'er plate to stoop, 
 And swallow spoon as well as soup, 
 
 Or if on table fish is ; 
 Since you for others scorn to care, 
 Take all the shrimp sauce to your share; 
 
 And after lick the dishes. 
 
 If round the board fair dames you view, 
 On dish of fowls, if there are two, 
 
 Four wings mongst eight to deal oui, 
 Seize on the finest for your own, 
 And ere you've one half pick'd the bone, 
 
 A second nimbly steal out. 
 
 If civil you wou'd hand a plate, 
 
 Your elbow thrust 'gainst neighbour's pate. 
 
 And then, to rnend the matter ; 
 When turning quick, O ! dire mishap 1 
 O'ersetthe wine glass; and in's lap, 
 
 The plate's contents bespatter. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Shun ev'ry act which decency disdains, 
 For he whose object is a polished mind, 
 
 H2 
 
&6 THE SJIIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 If heedless of this caution, ne'er attains, 
 The manners delicate, and soul refin'd, 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis^ 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 67 ] 
 
 SECTION XVI. 
 
 OF AVARICIOUS FOOLS. 
 
 Tarn deest avaro quod habet, quam quod non habet 
 
 Who is't that hugs his mental bane ? 
 
 5 Tis avarice.* believe me ; 
 Whose pleasure is his constant pain, 
 
 Thus may the mind deceive thee. 
 
 * The following lines from Gay's fable of the Miser and 
 Plutus are well calculated to depict the baneful effects of 
 gold. 
 
 Gold banish'd honour from the mind,] 
 And only left the name behind, 
 Gold sow'd the world with ev'ry ill; 
 Gold taught the murd'rer's sword to kill. 
 Thus when the villain crams his chest, 
 Gold is the canker of the breast; 
 *Tis avarice, insolence and pride, 
 And ev'ry shocking vice beside. 
 
 Or we may exclaim with Virgil, 
 
 Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, 
 
 Auri sacra fames. 
 
68 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 With doting eyes he counts his store , 
 But ah! his mind's not cheerful ! 
 
 Now coveting one hundred more, 
 Of theft for ever fearful. t 
 
 What others give, what others spend, 
 
 What others too are hoarding, 
 Alike he covets to his end, 
 
 No joys his life affording. 
 
 He never feels that heavenly thrill, 
 
 From charity soft flowing ; 
 To mercy deaf, his selfish will, 
 
 On self alone bestowing. 
 
 7 It is the extraordinary feature of avarice, to toil inces- 
 santly for the attainment of that, which, when procured, 
 never affords it the smallest gratification, for we may say 
 with Horace; 
 
 Qiuerit et inventis miser abstinet, ac timet uti. 
 and in like manner is avarice incessantly punished for the 
 ills which it inflicts on others, for " In nullum avarus bonus 
 est, in se pessimus." In Dodsley's collection is a beautiful 
 Fable of the Sparrow and the Diamond, well calculated to 
 display the extent of this vice; and the moral of which is 
 admirably adapted to the subject of the present Section. 
 
OF AVARICIOUS FOOLS. £9 
 
 For gold he lives— -for gold be sighs, 
 
 Yet, if disease assail him ; 
 The wretch for want of comfort dies.* 
 
 Fearful his gold should fail him. 
 
 In life no friend, in death no tear, 
 Save that which flows from pleasure, 
 
 Is shed upon the miser's bier, 
 By those who share his treasure. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet- 
 
 Gold is by Avarice misunderstood, 
 In circulation all it's value's found ; 
 
 When kept 'tis dross, productive of no good, 
 And, for man's peace, far better under ground, 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis^ 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 * Abbraccia tal volta La fortuna coloro, che vuol poi 
 aflTegare. 
 
[ ro J 
 
 SECTION XVII. 
 
 OF THE VICE OF SLOTH IN FOOLS. 
 
 Go to the Ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways and 
 be wise. Solomon. 
 
 I ne'er was loth, 
 
 To lash vile sloth, 
 Of industry the bane;* 
 In filthy pride, 
 To din allied, 
 And all its loathsome train. 
 
 To stew in bed, 
 With matted head, 
 
 * That being who suffers his mind to remain inert, wil- 
 lingly unbars the portal for the admission of every de- 
 grading vice, which imperceptibly usurps emporium over 
 the reason, and thus subjects man to the most degrading 
 state of vassalage: like a lulling opiate it steals over the 
 senses, and while it seems to sooth carries with it the seeds 
 of destruction. Therefore was it most emphatically said by 
 the satirist: 
 
 Vitanda est improba Syren — Desidia. 
 
OF THE VICE OF SLOTH IN FOOLS. 71 
 
 Of morning; breeze afraid ; 
 
 With linen vile, 
 
 Still more defile, 
 The skin in filth array 'd. 
 
 I dare maintain, 
 
 That equal pain, 
 From water such endure ; 
 
 As when disease 
 
 Canine doth seize 
 The hound — which knows no cure. 
 
 Each eve Sloth cries, 
 
 Next morn I'll rise, # 
 
 My business to pursue :- 
 
 Yet still in sleep, 
 
 The mornings creep, 
 Its business left to do. t 
 
 Such is the fate, 
 Each morn too late, 
 For sloth must still betray ; 
 
 Levati per tempo e vedrai, travaglia et haverai. 
 
72 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 And months pass o'er, 
 As months before, 
 Which slid in sloth away.f 
 
 These ills combin'd, 
 
 Defile the mind, 
 That yields its proud control ; 
 
 And filthy vice, 
 
 Doth oft entice, 
 To sins that damn the soul. 
 
 f Ross the player, was a striking instance of the powt? 
 fill fascinations of sloth ; for although the most flattering 
 offers were made him by different managers, at various pe- 
 riods, he was so far the slave of idleness, as rather to remain 
 in obscurity at some low public house, while a shilling was 
 left, than embrace the proffered good which presented it- 
 self; and it is recorded of him, that he would frequently or- 
 der a chaise in the morning, which he would suffer to remain 
 in expectation of his coming, until the lapse of time made 
 him postpone his departure until after dinner, and so on to 
 tea, then to supper, when the carriage would be reordered 
 for the ensuing day; which only proved the rehearsal of the 
 former. Sloth my very justly be termed the enemy of virtue, 
 and the foe to science, and it is an old saying, that he who 
 does nothing, js most likely hatching mischief; on which 
 account we will conclude with Seneca's words: 
 Vitia otii negotio discutienda sunt. 
 
OF THE VICE OF SLOTH IN FOOLS. 73 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 If seeds of sloth in youthful breasts e'er lurk. 
 Pluck forth the noxious weed; this adage tell; 
 
 The quick at meat, are ever quick at work, 
 With such thro' life health, ease and riches 
 dwell. . # 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
74 
 
 SECTION XVIII. 
 
 OF FOOLISH FLATTERERS AND GLOSSERS. 
 
 The lip of truth shall be established for ever, but a lying 
 tongue is but for a moment. Solomon. 
 
 These are the fools* that know not why, 
 Yet always must be civil ; t 
 Who spite of common sense, will lie, 
 And shame the very devil. 
 
 * Flatterers are the Will d*the wisps of fools, who mean 
 nothing, yet lead them into the mire; and so prevalent is 
 now become this bifronted vice, that 
 
 Vitium fuit, nunc mos est, adsentatio. 
 
 f The well known Jemmy B 1, the Biographer of 
 
 the famous Dr. Johnson, who might well be termed his 
 toad eater or flatterer, used to narrate the following anecdote 
 of the Lexicographer. 
 
 Upon the publication of one of the Doctor's literary per- 
 formances, Jemmy B 1, on the first of the ensuing 
 
 month, repaired, according to custom, to the lodgings of 
 his idol with the several Magazines of the day, in order to 
 
OF FOOLISH FLATTERERS. (0 
 
 You look divinely, * Hal will swear, 
 
 Although to him disgusting ; 
 And Rose loves Ned, beyond compare, 
 
 Though Rose for Will is thirsting. 
 
 read the sctrictures which were given on his performance. 
 After perusing two or three criticisms, which were not of 
 the most civil kind, the petulance of the Doctor got the 
 better of his good sense, and he exclaimed peevishly, — 
 u Enough, enough, sir, now you have taken infinite pains 
 to bring an account of what is thought of me individually; 
 give me leave to ask what you imagine the world says of 
 you and me conjointly." " Upon my word Dr. I cannot 
 pretend to say," answered Jemmy. " Why then I'll tell you," 
 continued the Dr. " They say that I am a mad dog, sir, 
 and that you are the tin cannister tied to my tail." 
 
 In the publication of the Dr's. Tour to the Hebrides, 
 written by the same gentleman, there is an account of 
 the inhabitants of villages flocking out to see the great li- 
 terary phenomenon, which is alleged as a proof of the ve- 
 neration in which the Dr. was held by all ranks of society. 
 In a copy of that Tour, which once fell into the hands of 
 the annotator, some sarcastic reader had annexed, in the 
 margin, the following couplet, by no means inapplicable to 
 the parties: 
 
 How ev'ry clown must gape and stare, 
 To see a a Monkey lead a Bear! 
 
 * Nothing can possibly be so degrading to the mind of 
 
T6 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Than Lady Bab, without a joke, 
 
 None plays whist so correctly ; 
 No matter though she may revoke, 
 
 She finds it out directly.* 
 
 O how enchanting Laura plays, 
 
 How syren like her singing ; 
 Though time and concord dance the hays, 
 
 And squalling discord's ringing. 
 
 feeling, as the incessant duplicity which characterizes the 
 chit-chat of fashionable societies; for it is not merely suf- 
 ficient to know, that the falsehood can be productive of no 
 harm to others, (even should such be the case), for he who 
 does not scruple to debase himself, will not long refrain 
 from injuring others. 
 
 Lasino si conosce dall' orecchie, e il matto dal troppo 
 parlare. 
 
 * It is most provokingly fulsome, to hear women, only 
 because they are such, receive the adulation of a coxcomb, 
 although the conviction of his palpable flattery stares her 
 in the face. But, if the female who tolerates his prattle, 
 were other than his companion in folly, she would be led 
 to resent rather than feel gratified at the falsehood, for 
 Pope has truly said, 
 
 Praise undeserv'd is satire in disguise. 
 
OF FOOLISH FLATTERERS. <7 
 
 A place ? 'tis yours, exclaims Lord D — 
 
 His promise merely rotten ; 
 Command my interest, swears M. P. — 
 
 Soon said— *as soon forgotten.* 
 
 The friend, the foe ; the love the hate : 
 
 The word of God from sinner, 
 Who loud extols a future state, 
 
 Yet better loves his dinner.f 
 
 * These are the species of deceivers, of whom it may be 
 said with truth, " Pessimum genus inimicorumlaudantes ;" 
 for they not only promise without the least intention of per- 
 forming, but by fallaciously flattering the hopes of the 
 petitioner, make him neglect pursuits which would enable 
 him to live with credit, and not reduce him to the state of 
 a slave and pander, while loss of precious time too fre- 
 quently brings on beggary, and the loathsome confines of a 
 gaol. 
 
 ■f How often does the sanctified flatterer practise on the 
 minds of bigots, and at the very moment when his pane- 
 gyrics are passed on holy writ, his thoughts are perhaps 
 down in the kitchen, where from the savory eflluvia which 
 catches his nose, he learns that a goose will that day be 
 his fare. These are a class of glossers who add profaneness 
 to hypocrisy, using the sacred name of Omnipotence to 
 pamper their appetites and fill their purses. 
 Adulandi gens prudentissima laudat, 
 Sermonem indocti, faciem deformis amici. 
 
 12 
 
78 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Bifronted fool, if such thy store, 
 
 I grant thee wondrous cunning; 
 A salve thou hast for ev'ry sore, 
 
 Then stop thy tongue from running. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 As basest coin will frequently deceive, 
 
 The flatt'rer equally may current pass ; 
 For vanity prompts idiots to believe, 
 
 Who fool'd are by their kindred friend, an ass. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
I ™ 1 
 
 SECTION XIX. 
 
 OF THE VANITY OF FOOLS. 
 
 ■ It is a tale 
 
 Told by an idiot, rail of sound and fury, 
 Signifying nothing. 
 
 That idiot never will his sense regain, 
 Who in the vortex of his course is jolly; 
 
 And even of his own disgrace is vain, 
 Vaunting aloud preeminence* in folly. 
 
 * Diffidence is the characteristic feature of wisdom, 
 which never conceives that it hath attained to the summit 
 of excellence, while there yet remains any thing to be ac- 
 quired. Whereas, " a little wisdom is a dangerous thing," 
 and when possessed by shallow wits, is very frequently con- 
 ducive to evil effects, involving in its disgrace, all such as 
 placed reliance on its efficacy. Speaking of those selfsuffi- 
 cient fools, we may apply the words of Solomon. 
 
 " There is a generation; O how lofty are their eyes, 
 and their eyelids are lifted up !" 
 
80 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 In shallow wits, this feature's always found, 
 
 For vanity's to idiots close allied ; 
 Truth is rejected for the simple sound, 
 
 And sterling worth for gaudy senseless pride. 
 
 With Fools no fault is undeserving praise, 
 
 Since all their merit but consists in failing ; 
 So he doth most his reputation raise, 
 
 Who in opposing sense, is loudest railing. 
 i 
 Thus when the giddy fool doth most conceive, 
 
 He struts knight fam'd of Reason's chivalry ; 
 Men at his weakness laugh but in their sleeve, 
 
 Despise the fool and all his vanity.* 
 
 * Poets have ever been deemed the slaves of vanity ; nor 
 should we omit musicians and players, who may well boast 
 in this respect, the palm of folly. Among the latter class, 
 none was perhaps ever more famed, than the great Garrick, 
 who would even debase himself so far as to feel gratified 
 at the panegyrics of his own barber. That poets, however, 
 should have a share of vanity is not so surprising, when we 
 consider that they are never governed by reason, which is 
 the first step towards wisdom. In fine, we will conclude 
 this head, by stating of a vain man, that 
 
 " He is wiser in his own conceit, than seven men who 
 can render a reason " 
 
OF THE VANITY OF FOOLS. 8l 
 
 l'enVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 The wisest of us hath no cause to boast, 
 Conceit with fools alone is deem'd a feast; 
 
 For in those breasts where reason rules the roast 
 The most enlighten'd seem to know the least. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis> 
 .Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis, 
 
r 82 ] 
 
 SECTION XX. 
 
 OF USURIOUS FOOLS. 
 
 He that by usury and unjust gain, increaseth his sub- 
 stance, He shall gather it for him that will pity the poor. 
 
 Solomon. 
 
 The sordid wretch, on gold intent, 
 Will take, unblushing, cent, per cent.:* 
 Nor heed the anguish those sustain, 
 Who owe their ruin to his gain. 
 
 On lucre gluts the avaricious mind ; 
 
 For which it sells the welfare of mankind. 
 
 * Usury walks arm in arm with avarice; for, although it 
 does not hoard its pelf from the public, it never dispenses 
 it but with the certainty of restitution with swinging in- 
 terest; for the cry is gold begets gold: and although the adage 
 may be verified by all such as have it at command, and 
 will lend it out at usury, they, nevertheless, will find in the 
 sequel, that satisfaction doth not attend its increase; for 
 happiness kicks the beam, leaving them the slaves of un- 
 ceasing anxiety, apprehension, and fear. L'avaro quanto 
 piu ha, tanto piu e bisognoso. 
 
OF USURIOUS FOOLS. 83 
 
 Not more doth screech-owl shock the ear 
 
 Of music, than, if us'rers hear 
 
 That legal interest you uphold, 
 
 When talking of the worth of gold. 
 Such is their love of the Peruvian store, 
 That Israel's golden calf they all adore. 
 
 Nay, since that hour, each Jewish elf 
 
 Hath prov'd that he's a calf himself. 
 
 For gold did Judas Christ betray : 
 
 And usury the tribes obey.* 
 'Tis Croesus constitutes their sole delight. 
 No matter so they've gold, how they come by't 
 
 * Although in this stanza the poet hath, according to 
 custom, levelled his shafts at the descendants of Abraham, 
 the Christians are no less reluctant than themselves in 
 amassing 1 gold at any price: and I very much question, if 
 there are not existing among us many Judas's, who would 
 not scruple at any sacrifice, so that wealth was but the pur- 
 chase: for as religion, honour, and probity, have long* been 
 discarded by all ranks of society, in order to its attainment, 
 I conceive that there would be no difficulty in bringing 
 Christians to the perpetration of any crime in the service 
 of Croesus. Yet, let such fools remember, 
 
84 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Remember well this sterling rule, 
 
 The spendthrift is no more a fool, 
 
 Than he, by whose usurious theft, 
 
 The prodigal's of lands bereft. 
 One spends as dross, till bow'd by want's fell 
 
 rod: 
 T'other no duty owns. — His gold his god. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Temper instruction, so that youth may learn 
 
 What constitutes of wealth the sterling bliss. 
 Teach him, alike the two extremes to spurn : 
 
 For he who treads the middle path can't miss. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 ■ Multa petentibus 
 
 Desunt multa. Bene est cui Deus obtulit 
 Parca quod satis est manu. 
 
[ »* J 
 
 SECTION XXI. 
 
 o* FOOLS WHO SUPERINTEND THE EDUCATION OF 
 CHILDREN. 
 
 For one man, out of his own skin, 
 To frisk, and whip another's sin, 
 As pedants out of school boys* breeches 
 Do claw and curry their own itches. 
 
 To ye, starch'd dames, whose birchen trade is 
 The art of breaking in young ladies. 
 Of ye, in sooth, I needs must chatter; 
 For ye know nothing of the matter.* 
 
 * There is scarcely any set of fools that call more loudly 
 for the lash of satire, than these guardians of the rising 
 generation. That schools are of utility, is beyond all doubt; 
 but sorry am I to say, that they are too frequently con- 
 verted into abuses. It hath very frequently come within 
 mine own knowledge, to witness the conduct of boarding- 
 school misses, when they have attained the ages of four- 
 teen and fifteen : at such times I have beheld them enter 
 the presence of the lady governess, hanging their heads, as 
 
 K 
 
&6 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Mrs. Cowley very characteristically observes, like dead 
 partridges. Speak to them in French, and they are sure to 
 reply in English. Request to hear some specimen of their 
 performance on the piano forte, and you may then set it 
 down for granted, that all the powers of affectation will be 
 called forth, in order to plead a silly excuse. Follow them 
 from the august presence of madam, to the interior of their 
 own chambers, and there you will find all the little arts of 
 petty intrigue and coquettish blandishments practised. In 
 short, these misses are complete masquerades, blushing at 
 things they should not comprehend, and facing those faults 
 with the most daring effrontery, which they should feel 
 shame in owning. Such are, however, the effects resulting 
 from the present system of education: whereas we never 
 scarcely see a school-girl enter a room with noble con- 
 fidence, and reply with firm, yet modest diffidence, to a 
 question proposed. Had I a daughter, she should not re- 
 main at one of these seminaries, after the attainment of her 
 tenth year ; for, until that period, the childish imagination 
 wantons with playful frivolity; it resists the curb of restraint, 
 as far as relates to the operations of the mind, solely en- 
 grossed by the trifling gratifications, resulting from play 
 and baubles. In short, till that period, all is well: nor would 
 it be amiss if our legislature, like that of ancient Athens, 
 was to establish public seminaries for the youth of both 
 sexes, where every moral and religious duty was nourished 
 and brought to perfection ; and not nipped in the bud by 
 starched, unnecessarv forms. 
 
OF FOOLISH TUTORS. t7 
 
 Instead of mentally advancing, 
 Your miss's first grand object's dancing ; * 
 By which one truth I must reveal is, 
 Empty's the head; as light the heel is. 
 
 Next to ensure the brilliant sortie, 
 Miss strikes the grand piano forte ;f 
 
 If the mind cannot elicit one way, it certainly will another: 
 and thence we find, that among the many, some will propo- 
 gate bad, and others, good. But instead of watching these 
 several propensities which should constitute the leading 
 principle of tutors, they, on the contrary, attend to super- 
 face only; which is a sufficient reason why the propensity 
 to evil so much overbalances the practice of good. 
 
 * To such an extravagant pitch has this accomplishment 
 arrived, that, instead of the mere steps which formerly con- 
 stituted its excellence, being deemed sufficient for the ball- 
 room, every little miss must now emulate the Opera House 
 ladies, whose manners, a few years since, excited such dis- 
 gust in the eyes of the lawn sleeved right reverends of the 
 woolpack: and, indeed, we may exclaim with the Roman, in 
 speaking of the conduct of our misses in this particular: 
 Saltabut melius quam necesse est probae. 
 
 f To hear the battle of Prague most unmercifully cruci- 
 fied by one of these expert daughters of Euterpe, who is 
 not only devoid of taste, but ears, hath frequently been the 
 
#8 THE SHIP OF F00L5. 
 
 Knows lessons, airs, duets, in plenty, 
 And plays the octave of Clementi. 
 And, as the body's decoration 
 Employs one half of this great nati6n, 
 Miss to that science is inducted, 
 And in each petty art instructed. 
 
 The jabb'ring of ill spoken French is 
 The learning of our pretty wenches, 
 With now and then Italian smattef, 
 Ifioco, Signor, and such matter; 
 And, as from innocence they wander. 
 With brazen mask, hear double entendre, 
 The modest blush must be translated ; 
 And miss's front with brass be plated. 
 
 Wisdom by folly's thus perverted, 
 
 And ev'ry moral controverted : 
 
 The sound, the sense : the heel, the head is : 
 
 Feather the one ; the other lead is: 
 
 Flightiness, wit: modesty, primness: 
 
 Study, romance: and science, dimness; 
 
 lot of the writer, whose feelings can only be conceived by 
 tkose that have suffered a similar torture. Such I conceive 
 to be one of the insufferable miseries of human life. 
 
OF FOOLISH TUTORS. 89 
 
 In fine, my dames, your sapient * rules are 
 Fitted to prove your pupils fools are.f 
 
 * E da un matto voler insegnare non havendo imperato, 
 
 t This is not to be wondered at, when we consider the 
 contents of the foregoing stanzas of the poet. But in order 
 to make the reader better acquainted with causes, it is ne- 
 cessary to observe, that the more masters the pupil hath, 
 the more monCy is derived by the preceptors. As to the 
 idea of genius in the scholar, that is never taken into con- 
 sideration; and I hare literally seen school drawings tha't 
 would have disgraced an Ouran Outang. And to speak 
 truly of the persons employed to teach at seminaries, they 
 are but the fag end, the tag rag and bobtail of proficients 
 in those very arts they pretend to be so well schooled in; 
 and I must confess that they very frequently remind me 
 of the old woman, who took infinite pains to teach her boy 
 to milk a boar. But to the point: it is truly surprising to see 
 how easily a school bill is whipped up, what with entrances 
 cf masters, or rather labourers; charges for books which 
 were never had; usage of the globes and piano forte, whose 
 tones might well vie with the clank that resounds from a 
 cracked tin kettle; and the more genteel sum which is. 
 tacked to the account, for miss being a parlour boarder, 
 v.ho is honoured with slip slop tea and a bit of the brown 
 off the meat. These are the wheels within wheels that set 
 so many seminaries in motion. Apropos: I had very nearly 
 forgotten to descant on the topic of whipping, which is 
 generally followed up pretty smartly by old maids, who 
 
 K2 
 
90 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 revenge their own disappointments and ill humours on the 
 breeches of their pupils: and although, in this instance, they 
 adhere to the text of Solomon, who saith, He that spareth 
 his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him, chasteneth 
 him betimes; and Butler also, who, speaking 1 of flogging 1 , 
 says, 
 
 Whipping that's virtue's governess; 
 
 Tutress of arts and sciences: 
 
 That mends the gross mistakes of nature, 
 
 And puts new life into dull matter: 
 yet I am rather of opinion with Terence, who thus em- 
 phatically expresseth himself: 
 
 Pudore et liberalitate liberos 
 
 Retinere, satius esse credo, quam metu. 
 And now, by way of leave-taking, let me use the lines 
 of Butler to these heads of schools: 
 
 Can you, that understand all books, 
 
 By judging only with your looks? 
 
 Unriddle all that mankind knows, 
 
 With solid bending of your brows: 
 
 All arts and sciences advance, 
 
 With screwing of your countenance: 
 
 And, with a penetrating eye, 
 
 Into th' abstrusest learning pry; 
 
 And yet have no art, true or false, 
 
 To help your own bad naturals: 
 
 But still the more you strive t'appear., 
 
 Are found to be the wretcheder. 
 
 For fools are known by looking wise, 
 
 As men find woodcocks by their eyes 
 
OV F00LI3H TUTORS. 9i 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET, 
 
 Good sense and reason never yet were found. 
 By teaching youth externally to shine : 
 
 The gem's procur'd by delving under ground. 
 Be yours the task to make the brain the mine. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis 5 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
92 ] 
 
 SECTION XXIII, 
 
 GF PRODIGAL FOOLS. 
 
 Zonam perdidit. 
 
 Gold, thou says't is free to spend, 
 Free to borrow, free to lend, 
 
 And free to fool away. * 
 Thou ne'er heeds't its precious loss ; 
 Gold, to thee, but worthless dross ; 
 
 Yet gold makes idiots gay. 
 
 * In all ages hath this propensity been the characteristic 
 of human nature: for instance, in Egypt the fascinating- 
 Cleopatra swallowed her pearl; at Rome, gold dust served 
 as powder for the heads of the great, and was scattered 
 for sand upon the spacious arena, to be trampled on by gla- 
 diators, or prize fighters, and their kindred friends, bulls 
 and wild beasts; and in our own country a courtezan, Kitty 
 Fisher, to display her contempt for money, and turn the fool 
 into ridicule who thought her favours were to be so cheaply 
 purchased, swallowed, between two slices of bread and 
 butter, the donation of a fifty pounds bank bill, which had 
 been so presented to her; nay, all ranks have their ideas 
 
OF PRODIGAL FOOLS, §3 
 
 Gold procures rich viands, drink: 
 If 'twould make the fool but think, 
 
 And learn him all its worth : 
 Then would gold most precious be, 
 Teaching spendthrift fools like thee^ 
 
 That want exists on earth. 
 
 Wines, and meats, and gay attire ; 
 Wanton fair ones ; fierce desire ; 
 
 Gold may compass with a youth, 
 Gone thine ore ; then viands, dress, 
 Women — nay, desire grows less : 
 
 For fools then learn this truth. 
 
 Having all their substance spent, 
 Strove to borrow where they've lent, 
 And freely giv'n away : 
 
 on this head! and sailors, when returned from a prosper- 
 ous cruize, having* exhausted every natural art that could 
 be pursued to gratify their doxies, have even been known 
 to fry twenty watches in a pan, that they might place an 
 extravagant dish upon the table. But this tallies with the old 
 saying, 
 
 " Gotten like horses, and spent like asses. 
 
94 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 Viands, drink, and wantons fly: 
 Then they learn fell poverty 
 Attends their locks when gray. * 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Why will the fool all common sense disdain, 
 
 And in his breast want's barbed arrow plant? 
 Why hug false joys, forerunners of his bane, 
 
 When he may reap instruction from the ant? 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 * Who can possibly contemplate the life of the great 
 and philosophical Lord Bacon, and not feel enhcrrored at 
 this most pernicious folly, which not only contaminates the 
 base and illiterate mind, but when indulged in, as in the 
 instance of this enlightened character, is capable of subvert- 
 ing every noble effusion, and trampling- under foot the com- 
 bined attributes of reason, study, and the most consummate 
 science. 
 
 L'argento arde le genti. 
 
[ 95 J 
 
 SECTION XXIII. 
 
 OF CURIOUS AND PRYING FOO-LS. 
 Tractant fabrilia fabri. 
 
 O say, thou silly, curious elf, 
 Hast thou nought else to do thyself, 
 Than be the meddling dolt, and try 
 In other men's concerns to pry ? 
 Is there, in thee, no cause for blame, 
 When thou woulds't publish others' shame ? 
 Say, when thou pick'st the hole in other's coat, 
 Art sure thou row'st not in the self same boat ?* 
 
 * This itch for discovering the faults of others, and acting 
 the part of censor with respect to those very vices we are 
 ourselves addicted to, is, by no means, confined to any par- 
 ticular class of society, nor to either sex; as men and wo- 
 men are equally subject, to the contagion : of whom we may 
 say with Cicero, 
 
 Est proprium stultitise aliorum cernere vitia: oblivisci 
 suonvm. 
 
96 THE SHIP OP FSGLS. 
 
 Thou cunning, finds't out John to be 
 Contented cuckold,* just like thee. 
 
 Curiosity does not only brand its votary with the stigma 
 of meanness ; but is very frequently productive of more 
 dangerous consequences. In sacred writ, even the command 
 of He^.-en was not sufficient to allay this desire: as the 
 wife of Lot, for her folly and punishment, testifies. And, 
 according to the fable of the ancients, Orpheus, the re- 
 nowned son of Apollo and Calliope, for disobedience to 
 the ordinance of Pluto, lost his beloved wife Eurydice. 
 
 * The poet, certainly, could not have hit upon a discove- 
 ry more easily to be made, at the present period; and the 
 disgrace of which is more likely to be attachable to the 
 discoverer ; for the wives of his age afford an ample field 
 for the scrutiny of prying fools ; of whom it may be said 
 with justice, that " Listeners hear no good of themselves;" 
 as it is ten to one but the story applies to them, equally 
 with the person of whom it is related. Thus every man 
 hides his own antlers under the hood of his neighbour. 
 
 In the fairy tales of the countess d'Aulnoi, is an excel- 
 lent story, well calculated as a lesson on his head, which 
 runs as follows: 
 
 " Fouribon, (the hump-backed prince) followed the 
 queen, without saying a word: but stopped at the door, 
 and laid his ear to the key -hole, putting his hair aside, that 
 he might the better hear what was said. At the same 
 
OF CUKIOUS, TRYING FOOLS. 97 
 
 And, while thou'rt scoffing, pr'ythee, mark, 
 
 At thee thy dame jeers with her spark: 
 
 Or, with a wench, if wedded, Will 
 
 His carnal purpose should fulfil : 
 Think not, when thou enact'st the same fond 
 
 game, 
 But others know that all thy sin proclaim. 
 
 Hast thou thy course so ever run, 
 That thou jtieed' st know thy neighbour's dun ? 
 With thee so jocund passeth time, 
 That folly's peal doth never chime ; 
 That thou, in conscious purity 
 Unblushing, others' faults may'st see ? 
 Away, conceited fool ; some plan devise, 
 To hoodwink men ; for they, like thee, have eyes. 
 
 time Leander entered the court-hall of the palace, with 
 his red cap upon his head, so that he was not to be 
 seen ; and perceiving Fouribon listening at the door of the 
 king's chamber, he took a nail and a hammer, and nailed 
 his ear to the door." The tale then proceeds to relate, that 
 the cries of Fouribon reaching his mother, she flew to the 
 portal; when, in the hurry of opening it, to learn the cause 
 of his distress, she adds to his first punishment, by tearing 
 off the ear which had been so nailed to the door. 
 
 L 
 
99 THE SHIP OF FOOL3, 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 The curious fool, who others' acts must know, 
 
 Finds out the semblance of his own disgrace ; 
 And while he ridicules their faults, doth show 
 
 His own reflected, as on mirror's face. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
C w J 
 
 SECTION XXIV. 
 
 OF THE FOOL THAT IS JEALOUS OF HIS WIFE WITH- 
 OUT A CAUSE. 
 
 For jealousy is the rage of a man: therefore he will not 
 spare in the day of vengeance. 
 
 The jealous fool, though bless'd with prudent wife, 
 Knows not the value of the gem he wears; 
 
 Corrosive poison gangrenes all his life, 
 
 And each connubial joy is strew'd with cares. 
 
 The purest mirth to him seems vicious joy, 
 The silent sadness speaks unlicens'd love; 
 
 Fancies — his wife's calm pleasures thus destroy, 
 Tho' chaste as snow, and gentle as the dove.* 
 
 * The dire effects of this dreadful passion are most ini- 
 mitably displayed in the well known tragedy of Othello, 
 where a noble unsuspecting nature is wrought upon by the 
 base arts of an insidious villain, and truly indeed may Iago 
 exclaim: 
 
100 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 The kind attention to politeness due, 
 
 Though offer'd by the dearest of his friends, 
 
 Will rouse the demon till revenge pursue; 
 Thus love in jealousy's fell hatred ends. 
 
 " My medicine works! Thus credulous fools are caught; 
 and many worthy and chaste dames, even thus (all guiltless) 
 meet reproach. 5 ' 
 
 In vain may beauty and the voice of innocence cry out; 
 jealousy hath no ears but for revenge, no satisfaction but in 
 blood; it is a monster that gluts upon its proper bane, feed- 
 ing with fancies, the corrosive poison that destroys all 
 peace. For though it dreads the truth it seeks to ascertain, 
 yet will it not give credence to the fact that would afford it 
 consolation: 'tis thus with Othello, speaking to his wife be- 
 fore the murder: 
 
 Therefore confess thee freely of thy sin, 
 
 For to deny each article with oath 
 
 Cannot remove, nor choke the strong conception 
 
 That I do groan withal: thou art to die. 
 
 In the tragedy of The Revenge, is also depictured the 
 dire effects of this raging passion, which, like a whirlwind, 
 sweeps every thing away in its destructive course, or as the 
 resistless torrent, that, dashing from some maddening 
 height, bears away in its vortex every thing that would op- 
 pose its fury; even so doth vengeful jealousy carry with it. 
 universal destruction. 
 
OF THE JEALOUS FOOL. 101 
 
 Absent new fears assail, then home like thief, 
 
 He sneaks to verify the fancy 'd ill ; 
 And though all's well, but short-liv'd the relief, 
 
 A word or look new jealous thoughts instil. 
 
 Thus always tortur'd, always fill'd with fear, 
 Nor time, nor long conviction cures thy pain ; 
 
 And though thou hat'st the object once most dear ; 
 Fell jealousy inhabits still thy brain. 
 
 jl 'envoy of the poet. 
 With care select from womankind a wife, 
 
 For many are the blanks in wedlock's wheel ; 
 Who does not, plants at home eternal strife, 
 
 Since death alone his jealous pangs can heal. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 102 ] 
 
 SECTION XXV. 
 
 OF FOOLS THAT KNOW AND ARE INSTRUMENTAL 
 TO THEIR WIVE's INCONSTANCY, 
 
 ■ Maritus 
 
 Nauseat atque oculis vilem substringit opertis. 
 
 What madman is't ; what kind of fool, 
 That thus defies each decent rule, 
 
 And makes himself a handle ? 
 Who backs his wife's foul impudence* 
 And proves to her incontinence, 
 
 A wretch to hold the candle ? * 
 
 * Theophilus Cibber affords a striking instance of hu- 
 man depravity of this species; who purposely connived at 
 the incontinence of his wife with Mr. Sloper, that he might 
 receive his money, and also extort from him heavy da- 
 mages, by an action of Crim. con. which was instituted, but 
 to little effect, for, on hearing the evidence, the infamy of 
 the Plaintiff was so conspicuous, that the Jury awarded him 
 Ten Pounds damages, and, to increase his punishment, the 
 public were so exasperated at his conduct, that Cibber 
 found it impossible to appear on the stage in this country 
 
OF CONNIVING, FOOLISH CUCKOLDS. 103 
 
 Can such be man, whose soul divine. 
 Should ev'ry godlike act combine, 
 
 That honours virtue's name ? 
 Can human nature thus efface, 
 Each trait of purity and grace, 
 
 And wear the badge of shame. 
 
 The beasts of field, the birds of air, 
 Will guard their mates with jealous care, 
 
 Nor own such vice disgusting ; 
 They boast an instinct more refin'd, 
 Than such foul fools, though blest with mind ? 
 
 For shame impure thus lusting. 
 
 Is gold possess'd of charm so rare, 
 To make a man thus yield his fair, 
 
 afterwards, in consequence of which he embarked for Ire- 
 land, when the vessel w r as lost, and Cibber drowned; but a 
 that we may not confine ourselves to fools of so late a pe- 
 riod, we need only refer to the history of Pasiph<e, queen of 
 Crete, who had a son and heir by her gallant lover, a Bull, 
 which was most condescendingly fathered by her cornuted 
 lord. 
 
104 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 To be by lust polluted ? * 
 Then other fools their course may run, 
 For 'mongst the throng, so vile, there's none. 
 
 As he who's self cornuted. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Fly from foul infamy, nor thus entice, 
 
 Thy weaker half to play the wanton's part ; 
 Murder not others with the damning vice, 
 
 That stabs thy reputation to the heart. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 * The curious Impertinent affords an instance of a dif- 
 ferent nature, respecting fools of this species, where the 
 hero of the tale, anxious to prove the fidelity of his wife, re- 
 quests his bosom friend to make love to her, in order to 
 make trial of her constancy; which is accordingly done, and 
 with such success, that the husband has to thank himself 
 for the horns he wears. This is not, however, the worst 
 species of folly, for, however the reader may dispute the 
 veracity of the ensuing statement, it is nevertheless ground- 
 ed in truth. An individual, who shall be nameless, was in 
 the habit of taking his wife every evening to the piazzas of 
 Covent Garden, where he left her, in order to procure mo- 
 
OF CONNIVING, FOOLISH CUCKOLDS. 105 
 
 ney, the wages of her own prostitution, and, if it so hap- 
 pened that she returned without such ill acquired gain, he 
 was in the habit of chastising her severely; but with re- 
 spect to the gratification of venality, through the medium 
 bf this degrading vice, how many husbands are there not 5 
 who wilfully put their wives in the way of great men, in 
 order that they may gain their ends, heedless of the cries 
 of conscience, and the goading sting of shame. Chi suoi 
 vizii non doma, nelle sue mani la sua vergogna porta. 
 
I 106 3 
 
 SECTION -XXVI. 
 
 GF FOOLS THAT ARE PASSIONATE AT TRIFLES, 
 
 Si vis incolumem, si vis te reddere sanum, 
 Cur as tolle graves, irasci crede profanum. 
 
 A stone is heavy, and the sand weighty; but a fool's wrath 
 is heavier than them both . 
 
 Hark, how the boisterous fool will dash on, 
 And prove the slave to 's idle passion ; * 
 
 * Sir John Perrot, the natural son of King Henry VIII. 
 was very much addicted to passion, and was the first per- 
 son who swore by God's wounds, now vulgarly termed zounds. 
 In one of these fits of rage, he so far incensed Queen Eli- 
 zabeth, that she ordered him into confinement in the Tower, 
 where he continued for some time, until the queen, on ac- 
 count of their consanguinity, determined on giving him his 
 liberty, and in consequence sent a message to indicate her 
 pleasure, which happened to be at the momentous period 
 of the threatened invasion of England by the Spaniards; 
 upon which Sir John having recourse to his accustomed 
 oath, vowed that she only accorded this grace in order to 
 command his services, for that he well knew, she would 
 p — s herself through fear; which insolent reply being 
 
OF PASSIONATE FOOLS. 107 
 
 Now execrate, like madman raving, 
 And stamp as hard as paviers paving ; 
 And all for what ? 
 Why, Nan, his daughter, 
 
 Hath brought in pot 
 Some luke-warm water ; 
 Whereas papa, though long at bristles toiling, 
 Can never shave them clean, unless' tis boiling, 
 
 delivered to Elizabeth, so incensed her, that she changed 
 her resolution, and in consequence, Sir John Perrot died 
 in the Tower, a prisoner. Various fools have various ways 
 of indulging this pernicious propensity, 
 
 Unus utrique error, 
 
 Sed variis illudit partibus; 
 of whom it may truly be said, according to the opinion of 
 Butler, 
 
 The difference was so small, his brain 
 Outweigh'd his rage but half a grain; 
 Which made some take him for a tool 
 That knaves do work with, calPd a Fool. 
 The splenetic Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, should not be omit- 
 ted, whose occult science was vested in his toe; of whom 
 Pliny saith, Policis in dextro pede tactu Lienosis mede° 
 batui\ 
 
108 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Mark how his face, with ire first reddens, 
 To ashy pale his cheek then deadens ; 
 His offensive locks now tearing, 
 And knuckles too his passion sharing, 
 Whilst he, with look 
 
 Of harden'd sinner, 
 Blasphemes his cook, 
 
 Too late with dinner : 
 Or, d — ns the stew, 'fore which the maid's been 
 
 toiling, 
 Then raves and swears at rump-steak, scorch'd 
 
 while broiling. 
 
 Now hark the bell's loud peal's resounding, 
 Dire knell ! the servants' minds astounding ; 
 Each runs, appalPd to hear the volley, 
 Of dread abuse from passion's folly, 
 And for what ? 
 Oh mischief subtle, 
 John hath forgot, 
 Coals in the scuttle ; 
 Though at that instant might the grate have 
 
 boasted, 
 A fire 'fore which an ox might have been roasted. 
 
OF PASSIONATE FOOLS. 109 
 
 Sometimes forgetful in his hurry, 
 He puts his wife in dreadful flurry ; 
 Storms like the roar of ocean's billow, 
 For why ? no night-cap's on his pillow ; 
 While, smiling, this 
 Her quick response is, 
 " You judge amiss, 
 For on your sconce 'tis :" 
 E'en so for 's pen he'll quarrel oft be picking, 
 While from his ear, the goose's quill's forth 
 sticking. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Passion to madness is so near allied 
 
 Thou may'st without it give the wise offence ; 
 From whence this sterling truth can't be deny'd, 
 
 Such fools commit felo de se on sense. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avib* 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 M 
 
L no i 
 
 SECTION XXVII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO RELY ON THE STABILITY OF 
 FORTUNE. 
 
 ' Fortuna vitrea est, turn cum splendet frangitur 
 Fortuna, nimium quern fovet, stultum facit. 
 
 O listen, fool, and if there's yet one grain, 
 Of common sense in thy too senseless brain ; 
 As well may'st thou rely on Fortune's* smile, 
 As strive these contraries to reconcile. 
 
 * It is certainly a fact, that fools are the favoured of 
 Fortune, but not that race which studies to court her; for 
 the caprice of the lady is so notorious, that she will only 
 force herself upon those who either treat her with contempt, 
 or never think about her. 
 
 For though dame Fortune seem to smile, 
 
 And leer upon thee for a while; 
 
 She'll after show thee in the nick, 
 
 Of all thy glories, a dog trick. 
 The haughty and vainglorious Bajazet was the occupant 
 of the very iron cage which he had caused to be construct- 
 
OF FOOLISH DEPENDENTS ON FORTUNE. Ill 
 
 When Bond street milliner shall live correct, 
 And harlots walk in Quaker robes bedeckt ; 
 When doctors disregard their wonted fees, 
 And great Napoleon's navy rules the seas ; 
 When Pall Mall loungers study common sense, 
 And high bred ladies sport no impudence ; 
 When lords give satisfaction to their duns, 
 And vet'ran soldiers shoot not with long guns. 
 When orators no sep'rate parties join, 
 And citizens disdain the plump sirloin ; 
 
 ed for the prison of his enemy, and after all his grandeur, 
 it has been said that he became his own executioner, by 
 beating his brains out against the bars of that very engine 
 which denoted his degradation, and displayed his downfal 
 to the eyes of every gaping fool. 
 
 The renowned Kouli Khan, whose conquering arms sub- 
 dued the vast empire of Mogul, was stopped in his career 
 by the hand of one of his own officers, who murdered him 
 in his tent: but, were we to expatiate on this topic, and ad- 
 duce every circumstance of a similar nature, in order to 
 prove the instability of Fortune, no folio volume would be 
 sufficient to comprise the catalogue; therefore, to fools of 
 this cast, we will conclude with an excellent line of Sallust^ 
 
 Divitiarum et form ae gloria fluxa atquefragilis, 
 
THE SHJT OF FOOLS. 
 
 When members of St. Stephen's gain their seats. 
 By independence, void of lies and treats; 
 When Bank directors note fam'd Newland's bills, 
 And Taylor swallows clown his own fam'd pills ; 
 When angry Boreas vies with Braham's strain? 
 And Cesar fights his battles o'er again ; 
 When halt and blind shall the fandango dance, 
 And Garrat's mayor usurp the throne of France; 
 When parson shall forget his wonted text, 
 And debtor sleep without a mind perplex'd j 
 When poet shall be dumb, musician meek, 
 An actor sober, and a curate sleek : 
 When rich exchange their state with wretched 
 
 poor, 
 And Hampshire swine dance minuet de la cour; 
 Then fortune's favours thou wilt justly see, 
 Dispens'd on merit :— Not on fools like thee. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Fortune the ancients justly pictur'd blind, 
 And so is he that on her gifts relies ; 
 
 But when cool reason's dictates sway the mind, 
 On self will it depend; and thus be wise. 
 
OF FOOLISH DEPENDENTS ON FORTUNE. 113 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 M 
 
14 J 
 
 SECTION XXVIII. 
 
 OP FOOLISH SCOFFERS AND BACKBITERS. 
 
 Si nous n'avions point de defauts, nous ne prendrions pa* 
 tant de plaisir & en remarquer dans les autres, 
 
 Some fools I've heard, whose wicked* wit, 
 Hath levell'd been 'gainst virtue's fame ; 
 
 But when they thought the goal to hit, 
 The shaft rebounded to their shame. 
 
 For oft derision's laugh hath yielded place, 
 
 To silly shame, so fitting folly's face. 
 
 * There is no vice more prevalent than the above, which, 
 not content with slandering, where perhaps the lash is in 
 some degree merited, will equally attack those whose lives 
 are the most irreproachable; for, according to the French 
 proverb, La moitie du monde prend plaisir a medire, & 
 V autre motie a croire les medisances; which acts as a suffi- 
 cient incentive to the garrulity of this class of fools. Yet 
 howsoever the slanderer may conceive himself secure, dan- 
 ger will frequently attend this cacoethes loquendi, for none 
 are more tenacious than those who feel convinced of their 
 own integrity; and it should be remembered, that, w Fame 
 
OP FOOLISH SCOFFERS. US 
 
 Show me the man, who feels endu'd, 
 
 With mind so matchles as to say ; 
 u I may insult with laughter rude ; 
 
 All others' faults, none dares say nay." 
 Till such an one shall bless the human race? 
 The scoffer shall but seal his own disgrace, 
 
 Others there are so prone to spite, 
 
 That, if they cannot faults descry, 
 They still must churlish strive to bite, 
 
 And wound by telling some mean lie, 
 Which when discover'd truth resumes her place. 
 And triumph's banish'd from the liar's face. 
 
 damna majora, quam quae estimari possuit;" let the fool 
 therefore be prepared for the worst, whose pleasure consists 
 in defamation. I had nearly forgotten to instance one set of 
 men, who, although they pride themselves on their abilities, 
 are notwithstanding the most determined advocates for this 
 species of folly, by which I allude to the occupants of the 
 opposition Bench in the House of Commons; who, while out 
 of place, brand with every opprobrious epithet the very 
 men and measures which they will the next day extol to 
 the very skies, if taken into ministerial favour. 
 
416 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Full oft we find such vile deceit, 
 
 Upon itself a curse bestow ; 
 For when expected least 'twill meet, 
 
 In him bely'd a deadly foe. 
 In vain repentance comes ; how chang'd his case^. 
 He laughs — but on the wrong side of his face 1 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 If your scoffing and your wit must deal, 
 
 And backbite, to ensure the praise of fools ; 
 Take special care, for ten to one you'll feel, 
 
 How dang'rous 'tis to battle with edge tools. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
1.17 ] 
 
 SECTION XXIX. 
 
 OB FOOLS THAT DO OTHER Men's BUSINESS AN£ 
 NEGLECT THEIR OWN. 
 
 Aliena negotia euro, excussus pfopriis. 
 
 Some oafs there are so condescending, 
 
 So vastly fond of men's commending, 
 
 So prone at all times to be civil, 
 
 As to enact the thing that's evil. 
 
 Yet, when they thus the point attain, 
 And by their loss cause others' gain, 
 The world at large pursues one rule, 
 Forgets the favour and the fool.* 
 
 * These are a silly tribe of idiots, who find their own 
 concerns in life so vastly smooth, that they must needs med- 
 dle in the puddle of other men's disquietudes and follies, 
 which are thereby very frequently transferred from the 
 back of the sufferer to that of the fool who would be med- 
 dling; but that the reader may not say that I adduce facts 
 without a proof, let me only ask bim if he ever affixed his 
 name to a promissory note for a distressed friend, without 
 having- himself to honour it, and on his rejtfy will I ground 
 
218 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 A thousand proofs might be related, 
 Of time thus idly dissipated ; 
 Yet none so well suits my reflection, 
 As busy fools at an Election : * 
 
 Who think themselves the bless'd of fate. 
 
 In dining with the candidate ; 
 
 Who when return'd pursues one rule, 
 
 F or place discarding rights and fool. 
 
 Yet such is not the sole punition; 
 Of ills oft rise a coalition; 
 
 my position. Let it not, however, be understood, that I 
 mean to render every man selfish, and a niggard of his kind- 
 ness, for such is by no means my intention; on the contrary, 
 no man should withhold from extending his hand to support 
 the falling, so long as he can conscientiously say, he neither 
 injures himself or those connected with him : but it is to 
 the stupid fool I would speak, who, discarding every ra- 
 tional caution, will, in despite of reason, clap his neck into 
 the halter. 
 
 * The folly of electioneering fools is, perhaps, of all 
 others, the most conspicuous, for not only time is lost, to 
 the prejudice of the man's family who embarks in this spe- 
 cies of servitude, but he generally bestows his labour on 
 one, whose first step will be to barter the liberty of his con- 
 stituents for a place or a pension, 
 
OF OFFICIOUS FOOLS. 119 
 
 Which proves the stupid dolt's undoing, 
 Who would be others' work pursuing. 
 
 'Tis then his quondam friends turn tail, 
 
 And he who serv'd 'em rots in gaol ; 
 
 Where, though too late, he learns this rule. 
 
 Who serves all but himself 's— a fool. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 None is so able favours to bestow, 
 
 As he whose labour gains the promis'd end : 
 By industry thus teaching men to know, 
 
 Who serves himself, can others' wants befriend- 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
L 120 1 
 
 SECTION XXX. 
 
 ©F FOOLS WHO COLLECT OLD BOOKS AND PRINTS. 
 
 Picciola cosa da lontano portata e da tutti molto bramata 
 
 Is it to read this dolt doth buy, 
 Of books so large a quantity, 
 
 Which he cant comprehend : 
 Of classics prime editions rare, 
 No stain no worm hole— title fair, 
 
 And margin without end?* 
 
 What means those piles of musty store, 
 These tiers of old black letter lore, 
 
 * This rage, which we will denominate CaCoethes Car- 
 pendiy has been carried by a set of asses to the most ridicu- 
 lous pilch ; as an extra inch of margin to a book has com- 
 manded ten times the price of an equally fine copy of the 
 work without it; as if the sublimity of Homer, or the wit 
 of Horace was heightened by this additional width of the 
 blank paper that skirts the text of the author. 
 
OF FOOLISH COLLECTORS OF BOOKS. 121 
 
 With wood-cuts so terrific ? 
 Of Caxton fam'd — Wynken de Worde, 
 Of Pynson's) Copland's, all the herd, 
 
 Whose types are hieroglyphic* 
 Say, is't for study you ne'er fail, 
 For quarto playt or tract at sale, 
 
 To bid as if quite crazy ? 
 No, by the bindings, sense must laugh, 
 Fine gilt morocco, russia calf, 
 
 Proclaim the muse is lazy. 
 
 * Most of the works that issued from the presses of the 
 above early printers, are.illustrated with cuts so rudely ex- 
 ecuted, as frequently to appear like any thing but what they 
 are really intended to represent; yet in the eyes of black- 
 letter collectors, those deformities possess the most invinci- 
 ble charm ; for as to the matter of the work, that never con- 
 stitutes any part of the pleasure of these gentlemen; let the 
 book be but perfect, and in good condition, and no more is 
 required. 
 
 f Interludes, Quarto plays and Tracts, have produced 
 prices that may well brand their purchasers with the name 
 of fools. What man of understanding would believe that the 
 first edition of a play would produce £.80, while the same 
 drama, printed at a later period, may be procured for six- 
 pence ? Or who would credit, that an interlude or tracts 
 
 N 
 
122 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 Tis all for silly pride and show, 
 
 That book worms like thyself may know, 
 
 And envy thee the bliss ; 
 Which must arise with men so sage, 
 Who only read the title page, 
 
 Of such old works rariss : 
 
 Or what surprise would seize a stranger. 
 To view an illustrated Granger,* 
 
 With Faithornes, Passes, Hollars ; 
 Where he might be indulg'd with peep 
 At MulVd Sake,* famous chimney sweep, 
 
 Which cost three hundred dollars. 
 
 possessing" neither rhyme nor reason, nor even an incident to 
 afford instruction of any kind, will be knocked down by 
 Messrs. Leigh and Sotheby, &x. 8cc. for five, ten, or fifteen 
 guineas; yet these are facts that will stand the test of in- 
 quiry, and stamp their possessors well worthy the title which 
 the poet has bestowed upon them. 
 
 * The work above alluded to, gives an account of the 
 several engravings of Englishmen that are extant, as well 
 as Foreigners who have visited this country, to the period of 
 the Revolution, among which are many rare prints mention- 
 ed, from the gravers of the artists here adverted to, and 
 among the rest is an engraving of an infamous character, 
 called Muird Sake, who not only followed the employ of 
 
©F FOOLISH COLLECTORS OF BOOKS. 123 
 
 Or else behold in wooden cut, 
 Nell Rummin* filthy sottish slut, 
 
 Or Hofikins, foe to witches : 
 Or Skelton poet, all as like 
 To human faces, as a pike 
 
 To postboy's leather breeches. 
 
 L 5 ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 The senseless dolt, who buys rare works for show, 
 Is but the baby -man with gilded toy ; 
 
 Content his eyes, nor more he seeks to know, 
 In superface concentrates all his joy. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 a chimney sweeper, but was also a most notorious cheat and 
 thief. This fellow, who had nothing but his infamy to re- 
 commend him, is, however, rendered of infinite conse- 
 quence to the collectors of Granger portraits; for this simple 
 reason, that print alluded to is supposed to be unique, and on 
 that account alone, the writer very much questions whether 
 if a second impression of the portraiture of this most cele- 
 brated character was exposed to public auction, it would not 
 be knocked down for £.50 to some fool of a Collector. 
 
 * Eleanor Rummin, the keeper of a filthy alehouse in the 
 i*eign of Henry VIII. has been handed down to the notice of 
 
i'24> THE SHIP OF FOOLS. I 
 
 posterity by some wretched, disgusting lines of Skelton, the 
 Poet Laureate of that day, who is another person mentioned 
 above ; while Matthew Hopkins, a notorious imposter in the 
 reign of James I. practising on the credulity of that period, 
 pretended to discover witches, by which he made considera- 
 ble profit, though at the expense of nearly one hundred lives, 
 ^vvhich were sacrificed to his abominable practices, until he 
 himself being accused of witchcraft, fell at last a victim to 
 the very methods pursued by himself for the discovery of 
 the black art in others. Of these three individuals, wood- 
 cuts are extant, which are mentioned by Granger, as like- 
 nesses, though scarcely resembling human countenances, 
 notwithstanding which, from their rarity, they are not only 
 sought after with avidity, but, if offered to sale, would be 
 purchased at the most extravagant price. 
 
[ 125 ] 
 
 SECTION XXXI. 
 
 OF FOOLISH ANTIQUARIES. 
 
 Vetera extoslimus recentium incuriosi. 
 
 Lo! here's indeed, a rare collection 
 Of fools, well form'd to cause reflection: 
 Of dolts, by whom a trifle's cherish'd, 
 Which, 'neath time's withering hand hath per- 
 
 ish'd. _ 
 Whose sapient brain, from modern works, no 
 
 pleasure knows: 
 Dotes on crack'd urn Etruscan— *bust without a 
 
 nose. 
 
 Or now, behold, quite black and crummy. 
 Some perfect truss'd Egyptian mummy; 
 Or else, perhaps, to crown his bliss, sir, 
 A toe of queen Semiramis, sir; 
 
 N2 
 
i£6 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or valiant Hector's tooth, beyond denial; 
 Or tpar * of Dido, safe preserv'd in phial. 
 
 Or, if with old late times comparing, 
 See Egbert's tunicf worse for wearing; 
 Or else of Ethelbert the boot, sir, 
 Or famous cup^: of Hardi Knute, sir; 
 
 * The poet, in this line, has had an eye to the excellent 
 after-piece of Modern Antiques, which cannot be too fre- 
 quently performed, to expose the false taste of these vota- 
 ries of folly, of whom we may well say, 
 
 Tutte le pietre non sono gemino. 
 
 f The writer was well acquainted with a virtuoso, who 
 preserved, with the most scrupulous care, a scrap of the 
 robe, found in the coffin of King" John, at Winchester; who 
 was also present at the opening* of the vault, containing the 
 remains of Edward the Fourth: on which occasion he tasted 
 the pickle, found in the leaden receptacle of that monarch, 
 in order to discover, if possible, of what liquids it was com- 
 posed. Oh, what a relish! 
 
 \ The history of this cup must ever excite a smile on the 
 countenance of individuals; who are not enslaved by this ex- 
 traordinary taste for relics of antiquity; and that the rea- 
 der, therefore, may not accuse me of selfishness, I will, in 
 as few words as possible, make him acquainted with the 
 fact. Mr. Steevens, who, for some particular reason, did 
 not feel any great predilection for the Antiquarian Society, 
 
OF FOOLISH ANTIQUARIES. 127 
 
 Which, doubtless, from th* inscription, held his 
 
 Rhenish wine, 
 Because Shaksperian Steevens carv'd himself the 
 
 line. 
 
 caused a cup to be constructed of stone, on which he en* 
 graved some rude Saxon characters, apparently intimating, 
 from broken syllables, that it was the vessel, out of which 
 Hardi Knute used to drink to his knights at his round table. 
 This vessel, by the manceuvres of Mr. Steevens, was con- 
 veyed to Somerset House, for the inspection of the learned 
 body of antiquaries, after undergoing every necessary trans- 
 figuration, to give it the appearance of having imbibed the 
 mould of age, the solemn hue of antiquity. Upon this cup 
 the erudite Mr. Pegge wrote a very elaborate and learned 
 disquisition, stamping it, indelibly, the vessel of Knute; 
 after which it was returned to Mr. Steevens, through the 
 channel which he had made use of in order to pass off his 
 hoax. When that gentleman, having thus gained his end, 
 most inhumanly published the whole transaction to the 
 world; still augmenting his barbarity, by properly constru- 
 ing the lines engraven on the vessel, which proved no other 
 than a most biting satire on the Society he had thus im- 
 posed upon. Among the impostors of this nature should not 
 be omitted the Rowleian Chatterton, and the Shaksperian 
 Ireland, whose memories will live as long as old chests and 
 old manuscripts stand on record. ' 
 
128 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Old stones, bones, coffins, without number, 
 Pots, pipkins, pans, such kitchen lumber ; 
 Old chain, mail, armour, weapons rusty, 
 Coins,* medals, parchment, writings musty: 
 Yet, after all antiques, not one compare I can 
 To that most rare of all, an antiquarian. 
 
 * A very curious story is related of a collector of old 
 coins, who, after displaying his valuable store to some ama- 
 teurs, suddenly missed a rare gold piece, of the Emperor 
 Carusius, which had peculiarly attracted the attention of 
 his visitors, when, instantly securing" the door of the apart- 
 ment, he made the fact known, and requested that the gen- 
 tlemen would turn their pockets inside out, in order to sa- 
 tisfy him that it was not in either of their possessions. Each 
 of the visitors, anxious to vindicate himself from the charge 
 of theft, instantly acquiesced with the desire of the collec- 
 tor, who, not finding his coin by this means, proceeded to 
 acquaint the company that he must be under the necessity 
 of administering a strong purgative to each party, which 
 was accordingly ordered, notwithstanding the most vehe- 
 ment opposition on all sides; when wrought upon by this 
 vigorous mode of attack, one of the amateurs, at length, 
 . confessed that he had been unable to resist the powerful 
 temptation: and, as he wanted that coin only to render his 
 series complete, he had literally taken the opportunity of 
 swallowing it, in the hope of bearing away the prize; so 
 
N OF FOOLISH ANTiqUARIES. 129 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 O! let me counsel, friend— For modern art, 
 And British genius should not be forgot. 
 'Twere hard if Wedgewood could not act his part, 
 And vie with Greek or Roman ch-mb-r p-t. 
 
 that after evacuation he might be enabled to place it in his 
 own repository. It is almost needless to add,, that the injured 
 collector did not suffer this swallower of emperors to quit 
 his mansion, until Carusius had passed the great ordeal, 
 and once more tasted the joys of light and liberty. 
 
 By way of sequel to the above, the reader should be in- 
 formed, that shortly after the fact here related had taken 
 place, an old acquaintance of this purging collector de- 
 manded the cause which had instigated him to adopt so ex- 
 traordinary a method; when he confessed, that upon a for- 
 mer occasion he had himself pursued a similar expedient, 
 in order to become possessed of a scarce coin, which was 
 deficient in^his assortment; and that, well knowing from ex- 
 perience that nothing less than a smart dose would have im- 
 mediately brought forth the hidden treasure from his own 
 bowels, he had consequently pursued that plan, on finding 
 that his lost treasure was not concealed in the external ac- 
 coutrements of his visitors, 
 
ISO THE SHIP OF FOOLS.- 
 
 THE POET S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 131 ] 
 
 SECTION XXXII. 
 
 0F FOOLS WHO DELIGHT IN THE CHASE. 
 
 L'asino si cognosce all' orecchie, 
 
 Mounted on horse an ass now see? 
 That puts his life in jeopardy, 
 
 Because his only care 
 Is o'er pale, ditch, and gate to leap ; 
 And gallop down the hill that's steep : 
 
 And all for what?— A hare. 
 
 'Tis nobly done : with hounds a score, 
 And horsemen too as many more, 
 To chase the timid deer :* 
 
 * In the Lives of the Saints, we are informed that Hu- 
 bert, the hunter, became a convert to fasting and p/ayer, 
 from a stag's appearing before him, while following the 
 sports of the field, with a crucifix between his antlers. As 
 to the truth of this legend the writer knows nothing; but, 
 
132 l^HE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 To list thy brutal, senseless cry, 
 When dogs condemn the prey to die. 
 Already dead with fear. 
 
 Or, up before the chant of cocks, 
 I view thee run the cunning fox ;* 
 When mark the sudden check : 
 
 at the same time, conceives, that were such deer more com- 
 mon in the present day, they might deter many fools from 
 acts of cruelty, which too forcibly bring to recollection the 
 beautiful cogitations of Jacques on the wounded stag, in 
 Shakspeare's As you like it. 
 
 To the which place a poor sequester'd stag, 
 That from the hunter's aim had ta'en a hurt, 
 Did come to languish; and, indeed, my lord, 
 The wretched animal heav'd forth such groans, 
 That their discharge did stretch his leathern coat 
 Almost to bursting; and the big, round tears, 
 Cours'd one another down his innocent nose, 
 In piteous chase. 
 
 * That a lover of field sports may not want for a dinner, 
 after one of these hard runs, I would advise him to adopt 
 the plan of the Huns, who, according to Ammza?ius Mar- 
 eellinus. 
 
 " Hunii semicruda cujusvis pecoris carne vescuntur t 
 quam inter femora sua et equorum terga subsertam, fotu 
 calefaciunt brevi.— — Or, to quote Butler: 
 
OF SPORTING FOOLS. 133 
 
 I see thee thrown in dire alarm ; 
 Snap goes a leg, a rib, an arm : 
 Or, what's less dear, thy neck.* 
 
 This is not all thy foolery : 
 Guilty thou art of cruelty, 
 
 Where most thou shouldst refrain :f ' 
 
 His countrymen the Huns, 
 
 Did use to stew between their bums, 
 And their warm horses' backs their meat, 
 And ev'ry man his saddle eat. 
 
 * Although the poet, in the above line, has conveyed a 
 most bitter sarcasm on the amateurs of the chase, we can- 
 not but reflect with pain on the untimely end of the late 
 amiable and refined Marquis of Tavistock, whose death w^ts 
 occasioned by a fall from his horse while hunting', which 
 melancholy event soon occasioned also the demise of his no 
 less amiable lady. Nor can the writer but reflect with sor- 
 row on the dreadful effects which the same diversion has 
 produced in the person of the present Lord D-rh-st: not to 
 mention innumerable other instances of a similar nature, 
 of which there are living testimonies, who are not only 
 rendered objects to the view of others, but are an unceasing 
 burden to themselves. 
 
 t It has been the misfortune of the writer to experience 
 what is termed a good chase ; and never were his feelings 
 
 O 
 
134 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Nay, thine is also cowardice ; 
 For noble minds disdain such vice ; 
 Nor give the pow'rless pain. 
 
 more shocked than to witness the piercing- cries of the timid 
 hare, when the ravenous hounds darted on their inoffensive 
 prey. As to the much vaunted music of a pack, it may do 
 very well for gentlemen, whose ears are enamoured of no 
 softer tones than those which resound from the blacksmith's 
 hammer, or the united brayings of a dozen asses. But for 
 the writer, who rather pretends to have a little music in his 
 soul, he is so tasteless on the score of yelping" curs, as to 
 find in the sounds nothing but dissonance and vile harsh- 
 ness. As the annotator has been speaking of cruelty, he can- 
 not but add a few words on the score of cocking, which 
 generally claims the attention of sportsmen ; than which no 
 pursuit can possibly prove more repugnant to the mind of 
 feeling and sensibility; and when it is remembered that the 
 great cockfighter, Mr. Ardesoif, in revenge for his bird 
 having lost him a main, literally roasted the unfortunate 
 creature alive; it will not be said, that the poet has over- 
 stretched the bounds of truth in speaking of the callosity 
 of those minds which are swayed by pursuits f this nature. 
 
of sporting fools. 135 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 As custom will each mental bane ensure, 
 
 Root from thy soul the rank, corrosive weeds ; 
 
 Nor, for thy pastimes, make the weak endure 
 Those pangs that stain thy heart with savage 
 deeds. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 136 J 
 
 SECTION XXXIII. 
 
 ©F FOOLS WHO PRETEND TO DESPISE DEATH. 
 
 Summam nee metuas diem, nee optes. 
 
 And all our yesterdays have lighted fools 
 The way to dusty death. 
 
 The senseless fool, who oft delights 
 To laugh at all religious rites, 
 
 And ridicule the grave : 
 Will, when the hour of death draws near 
 Find all his courage end in fear, 
 
 And be no longer brave.* 
 
 * Shakspeare, in Measure for Measure, has delivered the 
 horrors that oppress the mind, on contemplating* death, in 
 so beautiful a style, that the writer conceives no apology 
 rfecessarv for the introduction of the lines under this head: 
 
OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE DEATH. 1ST 
 
 Like gay Voltaire,* whose shafts of wit 
 Religion's sacred altars hit, 
 And oft would death defy ; 
 
 Claud. Death is a fearful thing*. 
 
 Isab. And shamed life a hateful. 
 
 Claud. Ay, but to die, and go we know not where \ 
 To He in cold obstruction, and to rot : 
 This sensible, warm motion, to become 
 A kneaded clod; and the delighted spirit 
 To bathe in fiery floods ; or to reside 
 In thrilling regions of thick ribbed ice, 
 To be imprison'd in the viewless winds, 
 And blown with restless violence round about 
 The pendent world; or, to be worse than worst 
 Of those, that lawless and incertain thoughts 
 Imagine howling! — 'tis too horrible! 
 The weariest and most loathed worldly life, 
 That age, ache, penury, and imprisonment 
 Can lay on nature, is a paradise 
 To what we fear of death, 
 
 * This verse of the poet is not only applicable to the re- 
 nowned and free thinking Voltaire, but may, with equal 
 justice, be applied to the Rev. Dr. Dodd, who, in his writ- 
 ings, held up to derision all idea of terror at the contempla- 
 tion of futurity; yet, when condemned himself, by the dread 
 behest of justice, no individual ever evinced less firmness, 
 on encountering his doom, than did that unfortunate de« 
 
 02 
 
138 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Who, when he drew his dying breath, 
 Although he'd scoff 'd at God and death. 
 An atheist dar'd not die. 
 
 Thus, many a modern wit gives birth 
 To blasphemy and wicked mirth, 
 
 While health and pleasure reign; 
 But, sick in body, weak in mind, 
 These proud philosophers* soon find 
 
 Their tenets all are vain. 
 
 iinquent, to whom the following lines from Rowe's Fair 
 Penitent may be well applied. 
 
 Set* Hast thou e'er dar'd to meditate on death ? 
 Cat I have, as on the end of shame and sorrow. 
 Sci. 'Tis not the stoic's lessons got by rote, 
 
 The pomp of words, and pendent dissertations, 
 That can sustain thee in that hour of terror: 
 Books have taught cowards to talk nobly of it: 
 But, when the trial comes, they stand aghast. 
 
 * It is no very difficult matter to deride that which we 
 have not experienced: but, in order to meet the blow of 
 death with becoming calmness, we should ever keep the 
 words of Fergus in remembrace, who saith, 
 
 Vive memor lethi ! 
 in which concentrates more sterling good, than all the boas- 
 
OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE DEATH* 139 
 
 For pious hope alone bestows 
 
 The cordial drop which heals our woes ; 
 
 To which this thought is giv'n, 
 That, when life's stormy voyage is o'er, 
 Death steers us to some peaceful shore. 
 
 To taste the joys of heav'n. 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 That man, good sense with idiot name would 
 brand, 
 
 Who, void of food and raiment, journey 'd far: 
 Do thou prepare for that same unknown land; 
 
 Nor, by neglect, thy soul's bright prospects mar. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, let folly rear her whip, 
 For tho' but few, some fools will man my ship. 
 
 ted arguments of philosophers can inculcate ; whose dying 1 
 moments have, generally speaking, given the lie to their 
 professions while living. 
 
L uo ] 
 
 SECTION XXXIV. 
 
 OF DISCONTENTED FOOLS. 
 
 Diruit, sedificat, mutat quadrata rotundis. 
 
 He* bears a fardel on his back, 
 And sets his mind upon the rack, 
 
 * It is difficult to discriminate to what class of men this 
 folly is most applicable, as they all partake of it in a certain 
 degree; and are so thoroughly convinced of their'weakness 
 on this score, as to allow, that the more they have, the more 
 they want : travellers are peculiarly the slaves of this tem- 
 perament of mind, as the globe itself is insufficient, to grati- 
 fy their thirst after inquiry: nor can a finer lesson be dis- 
 played than De Foe's Robinson Crusoe, which is a most 
 finished picture of the instability of the human intellect. But 
 navigators are not more unsettled than what are denomina- 
 ted men of science, whose labours have no termination, and 
 whose brains are eternally conjuring up new speculations, 
 which are too frequently hazarded without the warranty Of 
 reason. 
 
OF DISCONTENTED FOOLS. 141 
 
 Toiling for that, which when attain'd, 
 He cares not if he'd never gain'd ; 
 Finding what most deserv'd caressing, 
 Unworthy even the possessing. 
 
 Whose primitive tradition reaches 
 As far as Adam's first green breeches : 
 Deep sighted in intelligences, 
 Ideas, atomes, influences; 
 And much of Terra Incognita, 
 Th' intelligible world can say. 
 
 Much has been said of the female part of the creation, in 
 speaking of this folly ; nevertheless I must candidly affirm, 
 that I do not perceive any feature so prominent in women, 
 as to brand them more than their lords with this failing; and 
 if we talk of affection, which is, perhaps, one of the noblest 
 characteristics of the human mind, the feminine part of crea- 
 tion undoubtedly claims pre-eminence over the male. Where 
 can we find more extraordinary instances of heroism, than 
 have been displayed by women who have been actuated by 
 love for men in misfortune : they generally give proofs of 
 possessing a greater portion of equanimity : and, in the 
 hour of success, the same fervor of passion animates their 
 bosoms : while men, yielding to the fascinations of pleasure, 
 as universally waver from the fixed principle which honour, 
 duty, and gratitude claim at their hands. In fine, the page 
 of history displays one unvarying proof of the discontented 
 
142 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 What most his folly doth augment* 
 
 Exciting peevish discontent, 
 
 Is to attain each point desir'd, 
 
 Without opponent being fir'd 
 
 To battle, for the destined treasure ; 
 
 For therein most consists its pleasure. 
 
 As April rays, the wav'ring mind 
 Shows fair, concealing foul behind : 
 One hour, determin'd not to vary; 
 The next enacting quite contrary : 
 Ending, at last, with pangs augmented j 
 Unsteady still and discontented. 
 
 and unsteady humour of mankind; kings would be gods; 
 lords would be kings: every captain would prove an Alex- 
 ander; and every beggar an independent gentleman: and 
 yet, if it were possible to change their several stations at 
 pleasure, a something would still be wanting to realize 
 the scene of fancied happiness ; and it is therefore most 
 cerv.M, that he who knows and enjoys the least, approxi- 
 mates the nearest to that most envied of earthly states — 
 Content. 
 
 ' Vn certo e meglio che died incerti. 
 
OF DISCONTENTED FOOLS. 143 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Curb, in thy bosom, ev'ry changeful thought ; 
 
 And o'er thy wishes hold the steady rein , 
 JFor he who's fancy's fool, is folly fraught ; 
 
 Grasping mere phantoms of his idiot brain. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 144 ] 
 
 SECTION XXXV. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO GO TO LAW FOR TRIFLES. 
 
 Cum licet fugere, ne quaere litem* 
 
 The fool, who doth at trifles claw ; 
 And to obtain 'em goes to law : 
 Yet, having met with sad disaster, 
 Applies to heal it, blister plaster. 
 The remedy near fails to stick 
 Upon his head, so wond'rous thick. 
 For, if with law* you once begin, 
 'Twill strip the poor man to the skin : 
 
 * Time hath been when this nation was priest ridden, but 
 now we are law ridden. Not that the professional gentle- 
 men are so much to blame ; for it is their province to exist 
 on the folly of others: and if mankind will squabble about 
 straws, lawyers are in the right to profit by their want of 
 reason. As for my own part, I perfectly agree with the old 
 French proverb, " Bon avocat, mauvais voisin ;" and will 
 endeavour to profit by the advice, while, it shall please Hea- 
 
OF FOOLS WHO GO TO LAW. 145 
 
 And from the rich alike will steal 
 Enough to make the client feel. 
 
 ven to make me a sojourner on this side of the grave. Mer- 
 ciful powers! How much do I feel pity for that fool who, as 
 Butler saith, 
 
 Believes no voice fan organ, 
 So sweet as lawyer's in his bar gown; 
 Until, with subtle cobweb cheats, 
 They're catch'd in knotted law, like nets: 
 In which, when once they are imbrangled, 
 The more they stir, the more they're tangled: 
 And, while with purses can dispute, 
 There's no end of th' immortal suit. 
 
 In the rolls of parliament, A. D. 1445, is a petition from 
 the commons of two counties, showing, that the number of 
 attorneys had increased from eight to twenty -four, whereby 
 the peace of those counties had been greatly interrupted 
 by suits : the commons, therefore, petitioned that it may be 
 ordained, that there shall be no more than six common at- 
 torneys for Norfolk, six for Suffolk, and two for the city of 
 Norwich. Any other person, acting as an attorney, to for- 
 feit 20.?. They granted the prayer of the petition, provided 
 the judges thought it reasonable! 
 
 Widow Blackacre, in Wycherley's excellent comedy of 
 The plain Dealer, is a most finished picture of this species 
 of folly.; neither can the writer refrain from noticing the 
 anecdote of a noble peer, who complained to a friend, that 
 
 P 
 
i 16 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 Just like the sheep that, in a storm, 
 Sought 'neath the hedge a covert warm ; 
 And there, from rain and wind defended, 
 He waited till the storm was ended ^ 
 Then bleated out a thousand thanks, 
 And bounded blithe to sunny banks : 
 But found, though shelter'd from the wind, 
 Part of his fleece was left behind. 
 Thus, bramble like, we find that law, 
 When once a fool gets in its jaw, 
 
 he had a blood horse so excessively spirited, as to defy all 
 attempts at breaking In; and that no place was sufficiently 
 strong" to contain him. " Say not so:" replied the gentle- 
 man, " do you but put him in the Court of Chancery, and 
 I'll be bound he will never get out again." Alexander Ste- 
 vens, in his Lecture on Heads, used also to relate the face- 
 tious story of Bullam versus Boatum, which was a very 
 fair sarcasm on this kind of legal warfare : for no country 
 can boast more obstinacy and folly, on litigious points, 
 than my own native island. 
 
 Le litti non generanto, mai amicizia. 
 The subjoined paragraph will, it is conceived, prove a 
 further elucidation of the poet's meaning: 
 
 The following was copied from the New Jersey Journal: 
 " To be sold, on the 8th of July, 131 suits in law, the pro- 
 perty of an eminent attorney, about to retire from business. 
 Note, the clients are rich and obstinate!" 
 
OF FOOLS WHO GO TO LAW. 47 
 
 Though from the theft he saves his coat, 
 'Twill steal the pound,* and leave the groat. 
 
 * If, previous to a consultation with an attorney, a man 
 would give a few moments to calm reflection, he would fre- 
 quently save, not only his property, but what is far more 
 valuable, his peace of mind: for, in the course of legal in- 
 vestigations, it is astonishing how many unforeseen circum- 
 stances the parties have to encounter; what with witnesses 
 being fooled by counsel, or having rather deaf consciences, 
 and juries swayed by prejudice, or the glib tongue of the 
 pleader, it becomes a very dubious point, even in the clear- 
 est case, who will come ofT the victor: and it also very 
 frequently happens that the vanquished, unable to pay ex- 
 penses, surrenders himself to a gaol, leaving the gainer to 
 liquidate all costs, and solace himself with the imprison- 
 ment of his adversary; who, after a period, calls upon him 
 for the daily stipend of sixpence ; in failure of the payment 
 of which the plaintiff gives the defendant his liberty. 
 
 For witnesses, like watches, go 
 
 Just as they're set, too fast or slow, 
 
 And where, in conscience, th' are strait-lac'd, 
 
 ? Tis ten to one that side is cast. 
 
 Do not your juries give their verdict, 
 
 As if they felt the cause, not heard it? 
 
 And, as they please, make matter of fact 
 
 Run all one side, as they're packt? 
 
 Nature has made man's breast no nvindores, 
 
 To publish what he does within doors, 
 
148 THE SHIP OF FOOLS> 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 Take special care ; nor cavil naught: 
 For, though a favourable verdict's giv'n; 
 
 Thou'lt own revenge, though sweet, is dearly 
 bought, 
 To find thyself and poverty just even. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis* 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis, 
 
[ ^ 3 
 
 SECTION XXXVL 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO PROVIDE NOTHING IN YOUTH TQ 
 LIVE IN AGE. 
 
 — I've learn' d tha. Tearful commenting 
 
 Is leaden servitor to dull delay; 
 
 Delay leads impotent and snail-pac'd beggary, 
 
 . The insect gay, that takes its flight, 
 'Midst summer's rosy bowers ; 
 And drinks the pearly dews of night, 
 From bells of nectar'd flowers \ 
 
 In airy circlets, light and gay, 
 
 On golden winglet flies; 
 Enjoys the solar beams of day, 
 
 And in-the ev'ning dies. 
 
 Thus, oft in fancy's fairy dreams, 
 
 Man's gay pursuits subside: 
 
 P2 
 
150 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 And youth is spent in festive scenes, 
 Which ne'er for age provide. * 
 
 * No set of fools require less commisseratlon than those 
 at present under our review; for, notwithstanding the hour- 
 ly proofs of the insufficiency of age in every instance which 
 requires animal, and too frequently, mental exertion, we 
 find the impulse of folly counteract each sober dictate of 
 reason; as if by rushing into excess, we were to invigorate 
 the system; and, by dissipating in youth, we hoarded up for 
 age. There is, however, a medium between that over wari- 
 ness which contaminates the mind with avarice, and the 
 prodigality which beggars him who dissipates; for it has 
 afforded matter for much disquisition, which of the two is 
 most prejudicial, the penurious man, or the spendthrift: and, 
 notwithstanding the ills resulting from the latter, it is, ne- 
 vertheless, a received opinion, that the former is most inimi- 
 cal to the interests and well being of society. It is the pro- 
 vince of every man to remember, that if a duration of life be 
 granted him, he must, of necessity, become old; and that 
 his youthful powers are not only accorded to him for the 
 present enjoyment, but to ward against the evils of want in 
 future: for he who is incapable of assisting either himself 
 or others, will find but a cold reception from the world; and, 
 like the drone in the hive, be turned adrift, as unworthy the 
 protection of the industrious and the frugal. I shall now re- 
 
OF IMPROVIDENT FOOLS. i5- 
 
 For oft o'er penury's sparing board, 
 When old, the spendthrift sighs; 
 
 And mighty man, creation's lord, 
 A poor ephem'ron dies. 
 
 late a fact respecting another species of fools, who may be 
 classed under this head, and whose history was as follows. 
 A man finding himself possessed of so many hundred 
 pounds, when at the age of forty, took it into his head that he 
 should just live to attain his 64th year; and, under this con- 
 viction he calculated how much would be sufficient for his 
 annual expenditure; which having accomplished, he divided 
 and subdivided his gold into the number of portions, mak- 
 ing his last farthing to be gone on the completion of the 
 stipulated age of 64. Now, it so happened, that he not only 
 lived to the above period, but fulfilled his 73d year; conse- 
 quently, for the last nine years of his existence, being left 
 pennyless, he had recourse to charity; and was never known 
 to fail in attending on London bridge, which was his place 
 of stand, where he appeared with a placard on his breast, 
 whereon he had written, these words, " Wrong in my calcu- 
 lation" Which inscription, on account of its singularity, 
 used to attract the attention of passengers, who, on hearing 
 this story from the lips of the self-convicted fool, used to 
 drop their mite, and profit by the instruction. 
 
152 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 And does the summer's radiance quite dispel 
 
 All thought of winter's chilling blast from thee? 
 Go brainless dolt, and banish famine fell: 
 Thy lesson learn from the industrious bee. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
£ 153 ] 
 
 SECTION XXXVII 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO ARE IN LOVE. 
 
 Amare et sapere vix Deo conceduntur. 
 
 These stand indeed confess'd for fools in mind, 
 Since they select for guide a child* that's blind; 
 
 * How shall I find words to convey a just idea of the 
 matchless power and folly of this little blind urchin ? what 
 kingdoms has he not overthrown, what mighty men have 
 not been subjugated to his will! Alexander for his Thais 
 burned the famed city of Persepolis. Marc Antony for 
 Cleopatra, bartered the dominion of the world. Love can 
 transform wisdom into folly, and turn reason into madness: 
 it will make the hundred eyes of Argus as blind as their 
 resemblance on the peacock's tail ; or lead in rosy bands the 
 fierce and strong Cyclops famed workmen of the Lem- 
 man Isle; it will burn as fierce in Friezeland as under the 
 line, and animate the breast of stone : it is the unquenchable 
 furnace of the brain, a firebrand in the blood — Woe be unto 
 the man that cherisheth it: for it will engender naught but 
 folly. 
 
154 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 And sigh and pine and mope like idiots stupid, 
 Talking of flames and darts, and cruel Cupid. 
 These are your mad folks that will hang and 
 
 drown, 
 If either* should requite a smile with frown; 
 Who boast pure passions, such as angels cherish, 
 Passions which satedf soon are found to perish. 
 
 For, what my fools, is this celestial fire, 
 
 This boasted ray, save animal desire ; 
 
 For when in youthful vigour fulf it rages, 
 
 While time's chill torpid hand the flame assuages, 
 
 * As to the whims of lovers, they are innumerable, being 
 as capricious in fancy as the winds of March, or the show- 
 ers of April; their bickering's, however, prove of no very 
 serious consequence, for Terence has emphatically said, 
 Amantium irse amoris redintegratio est. 
 
 ■j- In the above line, and throughout the following stanza, 
 the poet very suddenly humiliates the celestial properties 
 of love, and makes him but a dependent on carnal gratifica- 
 tion: but as there seems a degree of impiety in his remark, 
 I beg leave to be excused from venturing any opinions upon 
 the subject. 
 
OF FOOLS IN LOVE. 155 
 
 A pretty face, or well turn'd shape will raise, 
 These idiots' passions, and create a blaze 
 More raging far than furnace,* which they tell us, 
 The Cyclops kindled when they blew their bel- 
 lows. 
 
 Then naught is heard but sighs and vows, till 
 
 •soon, 
 Marriage brings on the billing honey moon ;f 
 
 * Speaking* of the power of this divinity over all human- 
 kind, Voltaire thus expressed himself in two lines to be 
 graven under the Statue of Love. 
 
 Qui que tu soit, voici ton mattre, 
 II est, le fut ou le doit etre. 
 And Butler makes his Hudibras conclude the heroical Epis- 
 tle to his Lady in these words. 
 
 Subscrib'd his name, but at a fit 
 And humble distance, to his wit; 
 And dated it with wondrous art, 
 Givnfrom the bottom of his heart. 
 Then seal'd it with his coat of love, 
 A smoking faggot — and above, 
 , Upon a scroll — / bum and weep, 
 And near it — For her Ladyship. 
 
 i In order to cool a little this connubial phrenzy^we will 
 quote an anecdote of Rosso the Italian Poet, who in the 
 
L56 THE SKIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Which pass'd, no more is heard of oaths and 
 
 dying, 
 Love* shakes his wings, and forth from window's 
 
 flying. 
 
 memoirs of his life, written by himself, states, that he was 
 extremely happy in two marriages: for his first wife was 
 dumb, and his second blind; but, adds the bard, my third is 
 neither one nor t'other! 
 
 Neither should be omitted the following remark of a very 
 observant and clever man. 
 
 Louis XIV. one day asked the Marshal Uxelles why he 
 did not marry? " Why," said the blunt soldier, " Sire, I 
 have not yet found the woman of whom I would wish to be 
 the husband, nor the child of whom I would wish to be the 
 father." 
 
 * There is most assuredly, infinite force in this line of the 
 poet, which obviously alludes to the third stanza of the pre- 
 sent section, and if indeed, we consider the point minutely, 
 and measure the whole by the standard of the conduct of 
 married people in general, there certainly appears some- 
 thing like reason in the conclusion drawn by the poetaster, 
 who seems to indicate, that love is no other than desire, 
 notwithstanding all its votaries- swear to their mistresses 
 point blank to the contrary. 
 
OF FOOLS IN LOVE. 157 
 
 Some fools there are, who prate of love* platonic, 
 Just like the secret fam'd of tribe masonic ; 
 A secret of such note, that those who win it, 
 Find for their pains that there is nothing in it. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Let not mere face and form thy sense subdue, 
 For, though desire may blind thee for a season, 
 
 The mind can only stamp affection true, 
 By permanently sealing love in reason. 
 
 * At length our son of Apollo has let the cat out of the 
 bag*, for, if he turns platonic love into ridicule, he doubtless 
 means to aver, that without sexual intercourse, nothing can 
 exist but friendship and esteem, thereby rendering love a 
 gross desire instead of an heavenly emanation, and treating 
 it with as much nonchalance as if he was speaking of eat- 
 ing, drinking, sleeping, &c. &c yet what is to be said of 
 Heloise, who was to be content with nothing, and " to 
 dream the rest;" surely our poet must allow himself in 
 error, if a lady of such a temperament as we are given to 
 understand she possessed, could be satisfied in this easy 
 manner; though I must confess, that he would confound me, 
 did he ask what damsels of the present period, would think 
 of such a namby pamby svstem. 
 
 Q 
 
\5S THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ *59 3 
 
 SECTION XXXVIII. • 
 
 ©F FOOLISH ASTRONOMERS AND STARGAZERS. 
 
 For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increase 
 eth knowledge, increaseth sorrow. 
 
 Here's one, that rears his thoughts on high, 
 
 And makes a ledger of the sky; 
 
 That he may read the planet's motions ; 
 
 Deducing thence strange whims and notions ; 
 
 Demonstrating at once with ease, 
 
 The moon's not made of Cheshire cheese.* 
 
 Or now he shows, from certain reasons, 
 Th' approaching changes of the seasons ; 
 
 * Fontaine's fable on the effects of star-gazing, is not 
 inapplicable to this section; who makes his Astronomer 
 consider a planet for such a length of time, that, totally 
 unmindful of his situation, he steps into a well, at whose 
 brink he had taken his station. And the satirist Butler, no 
 less exposes the folly of these pretended Savons, when he 
 causes the acute Sidrophel to mistake a lanthorn at a kite's 
 tail, for some newly discovered comet. 
 
160 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 How weather will become precarious, 
 When Sol shall enter in Aquarius ; 
 Or gemaHieat produce before us,* 
 The budding flow'rs when he's in Taurus. 
 
 Then will he calculate, and from it 
 Tell ye, when next shall come a comet ; 
 With tail more fine than coachmen *s whips, 
 Or else will speak of Sol's eclipse ; 
 All this he makes a common trade of, 
 Yet knows not what the comet's made of. 
 
 * Nothing can better expose the ridiculous folly of pre* 
 tending to understand by the stars, the events which are to 
 happen to mankind, than the following inimitable Hne3; 
 
 There's but the twinkling of a star, 
 
 Between a man of peace and war; 
 
 A thief &rA justice > fool and knave, 
 
 A huffing officer and slave, 
 
 A crafty lawyer and pickpocket, 
 
 A great philosopher and a blockhead, 
 
 A formal preacher and a player, 
 
 A leam'd physician and rnanslayer; 
 
 As if men from the stars did suck. 
 
 Old age, diseases, and ill-luck; 
 
 Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, 
 
 Trade, travel, women, cl — ps and dice ; 
 
 And draw with the first air they breathe. 
 
 Battel and murther, sudden death* 
 
OF FOOLISH ASTRONOMERS, 3cC 161 
 
 Of wind he'll speak, yet can't disclose, 
 From whence it comes, or where it goes ; 
 To regions unexplor'd he'll guide us, 
 Finding at length a Georgium Sidus ; 
 And having other worlds made known, 
 Dies, knowing nothing of his own.* 
 
 What though tow'rd Sol the glass you bend, 
 His nature you can't comprehend ;t 
 Or, if you did, what would accrue, 
 I pr'ythee, friend, to me or you ; 
 Why, both must die, and leave behind, 
 What serves nor us, nor humankind. 
 
 * The great Newton, after all his researches into the re- 
 gions of heaven, wrote a treatise on the Revelations; and 
 the philosophic Boyle, whose mind soared sbove all vulgar 
 prejudices, nevertheless quitted the tract he had so long 
 pursued, in order to pen his Meditations, which were after- 
 wards so ably satirized by Dean Swift, who inscribed his 
 production " Meditations on a Broom Stick" But what 
 avails, let me ask, all this boasted research ? Socrates, with 
 his intense study, affirmed, that all he knew was, that he 
 knew nothing-, while Pyrrho, the founder of scepticism, al- 
 leged that he knew nothing, not even this, that he knew nothing ; 
 so much for the subtilization of the schools, and the refine- 
 ment on philosophy. 
 
 f This is most assuredly what may be termed a dead hit 
 on the part of our poet, who hath, in the above line, struck 
 
 Q2 
 
162 THE SHIP OF FOOLS* 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 Hold, hold, vain man, nor let thy simple brain, 
 In fruitless labour human life bestow ', 
 
 'Mid endless space to journey is but vain, 
 Thy finite brain suits better things below, 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 at the root of Astronomy, the research into which has never 
 yet enabled us to comprehend the properties of that great 
 luminary of heaven, although some learned fools have af- 
 firmed, that it consists of fire, and others have stated it to 
 be the effect of attraction and reflection, while Anaxagoras, 
 the Clazomenian philosopher, gravely asserts, that 
 
 The Sun was but a piece 
 
 Of red hot iron, as big as Greece: 
 Believed the heavens were made of stone, 
 Because the Sun had voided one: 
 And, rather than he would recant 
 Th' opinion, suffered banishment. 
 
 Diogen. Laert. speaking of the opinions of Anaxagoras., 
 thus expresses himself: 
 
€F FOOLISH ASTRONOMERS, &C. 163 
 
 Anaxgoras affirmabat Solem czuidensjerrum esse, et Pe- 
 Joponesso majorem : Lunam habitacula in se habere, et col- 
 les, et valles. Fertur dixisse eoelum omne ex lapidibus esse 
 compositum; damnatus et in exilium pulsus est, quod impie 
 solem candentem laminam esse dixisset. In Aristotle de calo, 
 we find, that some Astronomers were of opinion, that 
 the heavens were held up like a top, being* kept in constant 
 circulation. Plato believed, that the Sun and Moon were 
 below all other planets; and the Egyptians have informed us, 
 that the Sun has twice shifted its rising and setting; still, 
 all is as it was, the Sun riseth, the Sun setteth, it giveth 
 light, and is the nourisher of vegetation ; and be it what it 
 may, it still is, and will ever be, what I denominate, the 
 Sun. This I call stating # facts which bid defiance even to 
 scepticism. 
 
I 16* J 
 
 SECTION XXXIX. 
 
 OF FOOLISH ALCHEMISTS. 
 
 Ars est sine arte, cujus principium est mentiri, medium 
 laborare et finis mendicare. 
 
 Lo here's the fool whose cogitation, 
 Will prove all metals' transmutation ; * 
 Producing gold from worthless lead, 
 O! could he but transmute his head; 
 The labour might repay his pains, 
 Storing his empty skull with brains. 
 
 * The professor of Alchemy very shrewdly pretends, 
 first to make gold, second to discover an universal medicine 
 or '^panacea, and third, an universal dissolvent, or alkahest; 
 the success which has attended these endeavours I leave to 
 the discovery of others, as my province alone, consists in 
 proving him by his labours, in every respect, entitled to the 
 rank of fool; which is accomplished with little difficulty, 
 when it is remembered, that if the alchemist produces gold, 
 it is at a greater expense than the ore. is intrinsically worth, 
 while his panacea and dissolvent are yet in embryo, notwith- 
 standing all the study, labour and expense bestowed upon 
 the research. 
 
OF FOOLISH ALCHEMISTS. 165 
 
 O'er crucible he hangs delighted, 
 In hopes to find his toil requited ; 
 Building fine castles in the air, 
 When gold shall recompense his care ; 
 And give to his delighted view, 
 The treasures of the fam'd Peru.* 
 
 Thus freely having wealth expended, 
 He finds when all his labour's ended ; 
 That time and gold alike are lost, 
 Since dross repays him for his cost ; 
 'Spite of experience still he's bent, 
 To try some vain experiment. 
 
 * Many fools have been led astray by the fascinating hope 
 of making gold, and, among the rest, Mrs. Thomas, the 
 authoress, and intimate friend of Pope, better known by the 
 appellation of Corinna, is not to be forgotten; who was, for a 
 long time, persuaded to place dependence on an Alchemist, 
 who asserted his skill to be such, as to have attained to the 
 summit of this extraordinary science; yet, let it not be sup- 
 posed, that the lady was made the depository of all these 
 wonders gratis; on the contrary, she paid dearly for peep- 
 ing, having in return for the advance of her palpable coin, 
 nothing but the mere shadow expectancy, which terminated 
 as it began, in nothing; to this lady, as well as to all fools who 
 yield to this madness, we may use the old Italian proverb; 
 Non fidatevi al alchemista povero, 6 al medico ammalato. 
 
166 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 Thus coining for himself new troubles, 
 
 He sets afloat such airy bubbles, 
 
 As boys, from pipes, with suds will make, sir, 
 
 Which float a second, and then break, sir. 
 
 So, fool,* be wise, to reason list, 
 
 Shun dross for sense— thou Alchemist. 
 
 * Although I may not be exactly correct, in jumbling As- 
 trology with Alchemy, yet their relationship on the score of 
 probability and possibility is such, that I cannot refrain 
 from speaking under this section, of the renowned black 
 art, concerning which, Voltaire, in his satirical poem of the 
 Pucelle D'Orleans, gives these lines, 
 De plus grand clerc en sorcellerie, 
 Savant dans Part en Egypte sacr£, 
 Dans ce grand art cultive chez les mages, 
 Chez les Hebreux, chez les antique sages; 
 De nos savans dans nos jours ignore, 
 Jours malheureux! tout a degenere. 
 A very remarkable instance of this study is recorded in 
 the person of Cornelius Agrippa, whose dog, on account of 
 some antics which he had taught the animal to play, was 
 supposed to be his familiar spirit; but the author of Magia 
 Adamica, took infinite pains to vindicate both the master 
 and the dog from this vile aspersion, and Cornelius himself, 
 on account of the vulgar prejudices which prevailed against 
 him, was subjected to the most rigorous persecutions, in- 
 somuch, that he in the end found out his folly, and wrote a 
 treatise on the Vanity of all Human Science. But this po- 
 
 
OF FOOLISH ALCHEMISTS. 167 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 The silly man, whose labour is but vain, 
 
 And still will persevere to understand ; 
 Is like a fool, who sows his golden grain, 
 
 Expecting crop, tho' from the barren sand. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 pular odium is not to be wondered at, when we recollect, 
 that the period of ignorance and superstition denominated 
 every thing, and every body, above mortality, which posses- 
 sed knowledge superior to the vulgar comprehension: thus 
 we find that most of the gods of the ancients, from being 
 originally proficients in different arts and sciences, were, 
 after their demise, exalted to the rank of immortals. Friar 
 Bacon, in the reign of Edward I. was supposed to be in league 
 with the devil; Robert Grcsthead, bishop of Lincoln, in the time 
 of Henry III. was, on account of his learning, deemed a 
 conjurer, and degraded by Pope Innocent IV. and Galileo, 
 the astronomer, for venturing to affirm that the Sun was a 
 fixed body, and that the earth moved, endured captivity for 
 A series of years in the Inquisition; but speaking of the Oc- 
 cult Sciences, we may say of its student, that 
 
168 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 He had been long t'wards mathematics, 
 Optics, philosophy, and statics; 
 Magic, horoscopie, astrologie, 
 And was old dog zXphisiologie; 
 But, as a dog that turns the spit, 
 Bestirs himself, and plies his feet, 
 To climb the wheel, but all in vain, 
 His own weight brings him down again. 
 
 Nor ought we to conclude this note, without applying the 
 words of our immortal bard, who thus expresseth himself in 
 King Lear. " This is the excellent foppery of the world, that, 
 when we are in sick fortune (often the surfeits of our be- 
 haviour) we make guilty of our disasters the sun, the moon, 
 and the stars; as if we were villains on necessity; fools by 
 heavenly compulsion; knaves, thieves, and treacherous, 
 by spherical predominance: drunkards, liars, and adulte- 
 rers, by an inforced obedience of planetary influence; and all 
 that we are evil in, by a divine thrusting on. An admira- 
 ble evasion of whore-master man, to lay his goatish dispo- 
 sition on the charge of a star! My father compounded with 
 my mother under the Dragon's tail, and my nativity was 
 under Ursa major; so that it follows, I am rough and leche- 
 rous. I should be what I am, had the maidenliest star in the 
 firmament twinkled on my bastardizing." 
 
C 16 * 3 
 
 SECTION XL. 
 
 OF THE VAIN BOASTING OF FOOLS. 
 
 Whoso boasteth himself of a false gift, is like clouds and 
 wind without rain. 
 
 Here's one, who talks as much of knowledge. 
 
 As any big wig at a college ; 
 
 And thinks himself of wits the pillar, 
 
 With the assistance of Joe Miller ; 
 But as for Latin, Hebrew, Greek, 
 One word he can, nor read, nor speak.* 
 
 * The garrulity of this class of fools is so universally 
 heard in the present day, that it is hardly possible to fre- 
 quent a company without finding yourself pestered to death 
 by one of these leeches; who, to gratify his self-enamoured 
 fancy, sucks away every particle of your good temper, thus 
 depriving you of the little pleasure which you had imagined 
 the society might afford; this brings to mind these lines in 
 the Merchant of Venice: 
 
 " Gratiano speaks an infinite deal of nothing, more than 
 any man in all Venice: his reasons are as two grains of wheat 
 hid in two bushels of chaff, you shall seek all day ere you 
 find them, and when you have them, they are not worth the 
 search." 
 
 R 
 
170 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 Or, if the German you are praising, 
 His knowledge of that tongue's amazing; 
 As well as Spanish, French, Italian, 
 He'll carve to boot like a Pygmalion ; 
 
 And for painting, he can show, 
 
 Designs more grand than Angelo. 
 
 His wealth, if any friend's relating, 
 Of Funds and Bank Stock he'll be prating ; 
 Or if you speak of some lord knowing, 
 Three dukes tow'rd him are favours showing ; 
 And with respect to Cupid's darts, 
 None ever smote so many hearts. t 
 
 * No matter how difficult the art or science may be, the 
 fool is equally au fait at every thing, so that ninety-nine 
 men out of the hundred, only enact the part of Bobadil in dif- 
 ferent ways. Merciful Heaven! what instances of this pre- 
 sumptuous folly have I not been the witness of, until my 
 very bowels have yearned within me! I had nearly forgotten 
 a curious instance of literary vain boasting, which appear- 
 ed some time since on the title of a book written by a Ger- 
 man Professor, who absolutely thus worded the nature of 
 his treatise. 
 
 " Observations on all things and several other things be- 
 sides." But, to conclude, from all such men, " Good lord 
 deliver me!" 
 
 f To here the poor fool prate of riches, or the loathsome 
 
t)F THE VAIN BOASTING OF FOOLS. 271 
 
 But, to be brief, the theme is naught, sir, 
 In self commending he's so fraught, sir; 
 
 object talk of consequences in love affairs, is a species of 
 vain boasting so palpable, as to draw down pity and con- 
 tempt on the wretch who practises it; yet, show me the man 
 possessed of the smallest share of discernment, who has not 
 been a witness of this enormous folly; nay, and in the latter 
 case particularly, it is to be observed, that the plainest in- 
 dividuals are the loudest in boasting: such men very much 
 remind me of a baboon who should watch his beautiful mis- 
 tress attiring herself, and afterwards have recourse to the 
 same methods, in order to adonize his repulsive figure, 
 which will appear to him equally bewitching, when reflect- 
 ed in the mirror, though all other eyes but his own perceive 
 the deformity, and laugh in their sleeves at his consummate 
 vanity. It is, notwithstanding, very requisite in this note, 
 that I should say a few words by way of apology for this 
 latter class of fools, who are certainly, in some respects en- 
 titled to indulge in their propensity, on account of the extra- 
 ordinary taste evinced by many ladies of ton at the present 
 era, who being possessed of every requisite that is desirable 
 in a husband, will frequently (for the sake of diversity, I 
 suppose) intrigue with a being, not only contemptible in 
 person, but debased in mind. To adduce instances would 
 be fruitless; however, a late crim. con. action is a sufficient 
 testimony of the justness of this remark. 
 
 Onore, e vergogna sela donna liperde mai li ritrova, 
 
172 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 That none in boasting can out vie him, 
 Or to speak plainer, friend, outlie him ; • 
 For if you'd dare him, it is odds, 
 He'd claim alliance with the gods. 
 
 l 'envoy of the poet. 
 Fruitless are all our efforts, all our pains, 
 
 Perfection in one science none can boast ; 
 He surely then is fool, who still maintains, 
 
 That o'er all excellence he rules the roast. 
 
 * FalstafPs relation to the Prince of Wales, may be so 
 well applied to these fools, that I cannot refrain from quo- 
 ting his words: 
 
 Hen. O! monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of 
 two! 
 
 Fal. But, as the devil would have it, three mis -begotten 
 knaves in Kendal-green, came at my back, and let drive at 
 me; (for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy 
 hand). 
 
 Hen. These lies are like the father that begets them, gross 
 
 as a mountain, open, palpable, 
 
 Why, how could'st thou know these men in Kendal- 
 
 green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? 
 Come, tell us your reason: what say'st thou to this? — 
 A un grand bugiardo, ci vuol buona memoria. 
 
OF THE VAIN BOASTING OF FOOLS. 173 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come* trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 R2 
 
174 1 
 
 SECTION XLI. 
 
 OF AMBITIOUS FOOLS, 
 
 Cupido dominandi cunctis afTectibus flagrantio? est. 
 
 As sensual appetites in men we find, 
 Ambition's but the glutton of the mind ; 
 That gorges worlds, and yet sighs out for more, 
 As famous Alexander* did of yore. 
 
 * The folly of this renowned chief is handed down to us, 
 who blubbered in sooth, because he had no more worlds to 
 conquer, or rather because he could cut no more throats j 
 • for I should like to know, if these great men, your Caesars, 
 Hannibals, Pompeys, &c. &c. were any other than a set of 
 licensed robbers and murderers; therefore, well has a reve- 
 rend divine said, 
 
 One murder made a villain ; 
 Millions a. hero. Princes were privileged 
 To kill, and numbers sanctify'd the crime. 
 
 What has not ambition done, and what will it not undertake, 
 to attain its object? read but the annals of the world, nay, 
 even look to the simple relation of Spanish barbarity in 
 Peru and Mexico; in short, there is not a state but has had 
 to show its aspiring fools. Yet how must the braggart 
 Lewis XIV. have been humbled, who in the progress of 
 
OF AMBITIOUS FOOLS. 175 
 
 Ambition is a ladder* rear'd on high, 
 Which unsupported reaches to the sky; 
 A flight that none but fools or madmen take, 
 Who in ascending wish their necks to break. 
 
 his glor}', caused a medal to be struck, representing (in al- 
 lusion to himself) the sun in its meridian splendour; but 
 having received a check from the arms of King William, 
 at that time Prince of Orange, a Dutchman executed a 
 similiar coin, with this addition, that the prince of Orange 
 was represented as Joshua commanding the Sun to stand 
 still. Such are the reverses which high vaulting ambition 
 must look to ; such proved the downfal of a Wolsey, and 
 may such be the declension and the fate of that Imperial 
 fool, whose ambition even now grasps at the attainment of 
 universal sway ! Abbraccia tal volta la fortuna coloro, che 
 vuol poi aifogare. 
 
 * It is of little consequence, whether or not the poet had 
 his eye upon Shakspe are's simile in the above line, as the 
 beauty of our dramatist's words it is hoped, will plead the 
 annotator's excuse for their introduction here : 
 
 'Tis a common proof, 
 
 That lowliness is young ambition's ladder, 
 Whereto the climber upwards turns his face ; 
 But when he once attains the upmost rounds 
 He then unto the ladder turns his back, 
 Looks in the clouds, scorning the base degrees 
 By which he did ascend. 
 
176 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Ambition is a gilded bubble bright, 
 That hoodwinks sense and blinds the keenest sight, 
 A specious phantom, deck'd in all that's fair, 
 Which when embrac'd evaporates in air. 
 
 Ambition's every thing so long as sought, 
 
 While wish'd for matchless, when possess'd but 
 
 naught; 
 'Tis sunshine, darkness, — gold and worthless dross, 
 The wise man's scarecrow, and the idiot's loss.* 
 
 * With all deference to the ideas of our bard, I must 
 nevertheless alter a word in one of the lines given by him 
 to King Richard, 
 
 Great fooU have greater sins, &c. 
 
 For certainly, the more inordinate the ambition, the grea- 
 ter the fool who aspires to its attainment; when even throw- 
 ing in the back ground all those break neck casualties, of 
 which history adduces so many instances, the very summit 
 of these species of fbols' glory, will not enable him to stifle 
 the yearnings of conscience, to ward off old age, to shut 
 out pain, and escape from the jaws of death; if such be the 
 case, I will not only say cut bono? but equally answer to the 
 cui malo? of any fool that shall propose the question— by 
 stating, that the rapacious mind can enjoy no ease, and 
 
OF AMBITIOUS FOOLS. 177 
 
 l 'envoy OF THE POET. 
 Weigh thy pursuits, nor trust the golden toy, 
 
 That only lures thy fancy to admire; 
 The drunkard's pastime's visionary joy, 
 
 The ignis fatuus but a specious fire. 
 
 what is life without a quiet spirit? Like a Sisyphus , the am- 
 bitious idiot rolls up the hill the ponderous stone, which 
 sooner or later must recoil, and crush him; say then, what 
 becomes of all his glory ? well may he at last exclaim, 
 
 Farewel; 
 
 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 
 
 And from that full meridian of my glory, 
 
 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall 
 
 Like a bright exhalation in the evening, 
 
 And no man see me more. 
 
 A famous . who might truly be denominated the 
 
 modern Semiramis of the north, was a striking instance of 
 ambitious folly, who did not scruple to connive at the mur- 
 der of her own husband, as soon as she had grasped the 
 reins of power: neither can I forget to instance the famous 
 Cromwell, in England, who, after the publication of Colo- 
 nel Titus's work entitled Killing no Murder, was in such a 
 constant state of apprehension as to drive his own coach in 
 disguise, fearful of assassination ; while at the same time, 
 he nightly changed his bedchamber, to evade the blow of 
 the assassin, 
 
[ 178 ] 
 
 SECTION XLII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO BOAST THEIR ANCESTRY AND 
 PEDIGREE 
 
 Et genus et proavos, et quae non fecimus ipsi 
 Vi* ea nostra voco. 
 
 From what great stock dost thou boast blood, 
 From Babel's workmen 'fore ithe flood ; 
 
 Or else from Asiatic ? 
 Or, dost thou spring from that hot shore, 
 Which rears the savage black-a-moor, 
 
 Who boasts the dye of old nick ? 
 
 Or, art thou sprung from Roman* race ? 
 Or, canst thou to the Grecian trace 
 The kindred of thy daddy ? 
 
 * It is said, that there may be found an English noble, 
 whose pedigree goeth back even unto the era of the Roman 
 
OF FOOLS THAT LOVE PEDIGREES. 179 
 
 Or, art thou from the famous seed 
 Of those ivha scratch beyond the Tweed ; 
 Or else Hibernian Paddy ? 
 
 Or, does the harper e'er rehearse 
 Thine ancestry, in Cambrian verse, 
 
 And boast thee sprung from madam ; 
 Whose noble ancestry would scorn 
 The thought of any man not born 
 
 Before the day of Adam?* 
 
 emperors; which may certainly be the case; as we find some 
 of their extraordinary propensities handed down to the pre- 
 sent period in his own person. 
 
 * The Welshmen are proverbial for priding themselves 
 on the antiquity of their origin; to whom these lines of 
 Shakspeare may well be applied : 
 
 I was born so high, 
 
 Our airy buildeth in the cedar's top; 
 
 And dallies with the wind, and scorns the sun. 
 
 This love of pedigree reminds me of the story of a fool, 
 who, having suddenly acquired wealth, was very desirous 
 of armorial bearings; and, for that purpose, made application 
 to an herald, in order to know whether he had any right 
 to a coat of arms ; but the research was vain, until the dea- 
 ler in pedigrees inquired whether or no some of his ances- 
 tors had not rendered themselves conspicuous by any nota- 
 
180 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Unrolling thy long pedigree 
 Of honours, fourscore yards I see, 
 Emblazon'd bold as Tartars?* 
 
 ble feat : to which the fool, after some consideration, replied, 
 that his father certainly had made himself famous by escap- 
 ing from the prison of Ludgate, where he had been some 
 time confined for petty larceny, and that his liberty was so 
 effected, by his parent's having affixed a cord round the 
 neck of the statue of King Lud, whfch was placed over the 
 gateway, and by which means he let himself down. — " 'Tis 
 well," exclaimed the herald, " I can now draw you out a 
 pedigree often yards long, since it is plain that your father 
 was a descendant from King Lud." 
 
 * The gentlemen of the College of Arms have a very 
 happy nack at emblazoning, and can as easily produce yards 
 as inches of pedigree, which tallies perfectly well with But 
 ler's lines : 
 
 Nor does it follow, 'cause a herauld 
 Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 
 To be descended of a race 
 Of ancient kings in a small space ; 
 That we should all opinion hold 
 Authentic^ that we can make old. 
 
 Apropos, as we are touching on the subject of heralds, 
 t will not be amiss to say a f^w words respecting their 
 accoutrements on high days and holidays ; which very much 
 
OF FOOLS WHO LOVE PEDIGREES. 18) 
 
 With eagles truss'd ; chevaux de frize ; 
 Your rampant lions ; fleur de lis ; 
 
 And bars,* wound round like garters. 
 
 resemble the leathern surtouts of brewers' men, on the gilt 
 cock and breeches of Bartholomew fair: nay, I have some- 
 times thought that they were not altogether unlike moving 
 packing cases: at all events, the wearers of tabards are 
 usually as empty headed. But, referring once more to their 
 costume, we should not pass over unheeded the words of 
 Shakspeare, who makes his FalstafF thus ludicrously de- 
 scribe them: " There is but a shirt and a half in all my com-- 
 pany; and the half shirt is two napkins tacked together, 
 and thrown over the shoulders, like a herald's coat without 
 sleeves, &.c." 
 
 * The annotator was for some time incapable of divining 
 the meaning of the poet's allusion, till the pannel of a ducal 
 carriage, one day, unravelled the mystery in the following 
 manner. " Being lately at the west end of the town, a very 
 dashing chariot came tearing along the street, and just 
 drew up to the portal of a noble mansion, as the writer was 
 passing it with a friend. The shower of mud, which came 
 like hail from the rapid whirl of the wheels, caused us to 
 halt; and one of the footmen vaulting from behind, with his 
 long cane, which maybe well termed the London lacquey's 
 augural staff, opened the carriage door, when the noble 
 owner stepped forth, regardless of the dirty pickle in which 
 Jie had bedizened us plebeian pedestrians. " That is the- 
 
 S 
 
182 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Yet, hold, surmounting all the rest, 
 Appears a wondrous, common crest, 
 
 To all thy kindred striking: 
 For they alike thy symbols bear, 
 Bells, ladle, and the fool's cap wear, 
 
 Insignias of their liking. 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 Consumate ass, how canst thou raise thy fame 
 On thoughts of pedigree and boasted birth; 
 
 The noblest title is an honest name ; 
 
 For, after all, our common parent's earth. 
 
 Duke of — ," exclaimed my friend. " Impossible," 
 
 answered I, glancing at the arms emblazoned on the pan- 
 nel of the vehicle, where I could perceive no bar of bastar- 
 dy. " Pshaw," replied my friend, <( your heralds, nowa- 
 days, have a method of disposing of them, so as to draw a 
 veil over that family obloquy." Upon this he requested me 
 to examine the arms more minutely, which I accordingly 
 did; when lo! the cloven foot appeared, but so artfully 
 wound round the shield in form of a garter, as to take away 
 all appearance of the fatal bar, that insignia of illegitimacy.. 
 Thanks to the contrivance of the Collegians of Arms. 
 
OF FOOLS THAT LOVE PEDIGREES. 
 
 THE POETS CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Nayis. 
 
C 184 ] 
 
 SECTION XLIII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO PURSUE UNPROFITABLE STUt>Y, 
 
 Learning, that cobweb of the brain, 
 
 Profane, erroneous, and vain; 
 
 A fort of error to ensconce 
 
 Absurdity and ignorance; 
 
 By making plain thing in debate, 
 
 By art, perplext and intricate: 
 
 For nothing goes for sense or light, 
 
 That will not with old rules jump right 
 
 As if rules were not, in the schools, 
 
 Deriv'd from truth, but truth from rules. 
 
 What learned doctors of the schools 
 Set down for academic rules, 
 Serves to give common sense the phthisics ' 
 Witness disputes on metaphysics.* 
 
 * Aristotle, the famous father of this branch of philosophy, 
 or, as others call it, pneumatology, seems to have intended 
 by his metaphysics, a species of natural theology: yet, as 
 
OF STUDIOUS FOOLS. 185 
 
 A learned wight, who folios wrote us, 
 
 A fam'd disputant, nam'd Duns Scotus,* m 
 
 in all cases of an abstruse nature, the several votaries of this 
 science have, in some measure, varied in their ideas on the 
 subject, for instance, Locke, in England, and Malebranche, 
 in France, racked their brains on this theme, and although 
 more perspicuous than the ancients, are frequently so intri- 
 cate in their reasonings, as to send common sense a wool- 
 gathering; so that, speaking of these philosophers, we may 
 well exclaim with the Roman, they are but " deliramenta 
 doctrinx:" or, to quote a sentence used by Mr. Locke, when 
 he considers the association of ideas, " I conceive that such 
 deep men of the schools only give sense to jargon, demon- 
 stration to absurdities, and consistency to nonsense; and 
 have proved the foundation of the greatest, I had almost 
 said, of all the errors in the world." 
 
 * This very acute metaphysician and logician, surnamed 
 Doctor Subtilisy most assuredly may claim the wreath of 
 most consummate folly: for, what with speculative ideas, 
 such as the poet has instanced in the third and fourth lines 
 of the above stanza, which alluded to corpuscular philoso- 
 phy, together with the jargon of the schools, he may well 
 be said arenearum telas texere, while he intended to display 
 the art of reasoning justly. Yet, soft, why do I dare pre- 
 sume to rail against this renowned character, whose oratory- 
 outvied the power of the famed Orpheus, by giving anima- 
 tion even to ftone, without instrumental assistance: for we 
 
 S2 
 
186 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 are very gravely informed, that, while Buns Scotus was 
 haranguing the learned doctors of the day, on the subject 
 of the immaculate conception of the Virgin Maty, he pointed 
 to the stone effigy of the mother of our Saviour, placed in 
 the church of Notre Dame, at Paris, upon which, in token of 
 assent to the position of the speaker, the image very reverent- 
 ly bent its body, and is stated to have ever after continued 
 in that curbed attitude. Another voluminous writer of later 
 date, known by the name of Dr. Manton, produced in this 
 country a thick folio volume of commentaries on the 119th 
 psalm; to the reading of which the famous Lord Bolingbroke 
 attributes all his scepticism on religious subjects : and in- 
 deed, the production of the above doctor forcibly brings to 
 mind these lines of Butler: 
 
 Still so perverse and opposite, 
 
 As if they worshipp'd God for spite. 
 
 The selfsame thing they will abhor 
 
 One way, and long another for: 
 
 Quarrel with mi?ic'd pies, and disparage 
 
 Their best and dearest friend plumb porridge; 
 
 Fat pig and goose itself oppose, 
 
 And blaspheme custard through the nose. 
 
 Th' apostles of this fierce religion, 
 
 Like Mahomet's were Ass and Widgeon; 
 
 As if hypocrisie and nonsense 
 
 Had gotth' advowson of his conscience. 
 
 Dean Swift, in speaking of the folly of fast days, has been 
 equally sarcastic in these lines: 
 
OF STUDIOUS FOOLS. 1&7 
 
 Hath prov'd, on needle's point, t'amaze, sir, 
 That countless atoms dance* the hays, sir, 
 
 And, while we speak of him a-pro-pos, 
 Pedants there are dubb'd philosophos:f 
 
 Who can believe, with common sense, 
 A bacon slice gives God offence : 
 Or, that a herring hath a charm, 
 Almighty vengeance to disarm. 
 
 * In Erasmus's Praise of Folly, the reader may find the 
 most severe sarcasms on these subtle fools, whom the au- 
 thor exposes to the lash of the most pointed ridicule; nor 
 will Voltaire be found less acute in his remarks; who, upon 
 all occasions, took delight in exposing the fallacy of such 
 conceited pedants, whose sole aim seems to have consisted 
 in bewildering their own and other people's understandings. 
 The doctors of the Sorbonne, at Paris, who were esteemed 
 the most acute theologians, are very justly ridiculed by 
 Voltaire, in the following lines : 
 
 On fait venir des docteurs de Sorbonne, 
 Des perroquets, un singe, un harlequin, &c. 
 
 f The most fallacious opinions have been cherished by 
 numerous individuals of late, whose tenets not only proved 
 destructive of religion and morality in France, but have 
 equally been disseminated on this side of the Channel, to 
 the detriment of a great portion of society: and certainly 
 the observation of Seneca may be justly applied to all these 
 
188 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 Who swear that pain's naught but conceit ; 
 And burning coals contain no heat.* 
 
 They laugh to scorn what's superstitious: 
 And as for acts which I call vicious, 
 They deem not so ; for they would free 
 The sinner with — " What is, must be."f 
 
 scourges of reason and common sense, who says, " Distra- 
 hit animum librorum multitude?" By the bye, I had nearly 
 forgotten my foolish friend Goropius Becanus, who took an 
 infinity of pains to prove that High Dutch was the language 
 which Adam and Eve spoke in Paradise. 
 
 * In allusion to the Stoics, who were the followers of Zeno, 
 and maintained that pain is no real evil ; that a wise man is 
 happy, even in the midst of torture, &c. ideas, that bring to 
 mind the words of Seneca, who says,." The more subtile 
 things are rendered, the nearer they approximate to no- 
 thing." And certainly, all such definition of things by acts 
 bears the closer affinity to nonsense. Aristophanes, in his 
 Comedy of the Clouds, very characteristically introduces 
 Socrates and Chctrephon^ as taking an admeasurement of the 
 leap of a flea from the beard of the^xme to that of the other. 
 
 f This is assuredly a healing plaster, and might do very 
 well,' if unfortunately, conscience had not, some how or other, 
 been made a tenant of the human breast, whose cries will 
 
 
OF STUDIOUS TOOLS* 199 
 
 They write, they read, their study's intense, 
 And read and write whole quires of nonsense:* 
 For 'tis the burden of my song, 
 That right is right, and wrong is wrong. 
 
 We hear of matter, and of motion, 
 While chance^ is now the reigning notion, 
 Such tenets fools may lead astray: 
 Yet there's one God — Him I'll obey. 
 
 be heard, notwithstanding the jargon of such philosophers, 
 I would say, fools ! Meglio vale esser dotto che dottore* 
 
 * If the annotator was to enter upon this topic, a simple 
 note would be swelled into a thick volume: so numerous 
 has been thi9 race of defilers of paper. It is, however, suf- 
 ficient to say, that their ponderous folios may be found at 
 the cheesemongers': " Yea, even unto the present day. 
 
 f Whether the Supreme Author of all things be deno- 
 minated God, or Nature, or Chance, is, to my mind, a mat- 
 ter of little consequence, so that his existence be but grant- 
 ed in its full extent; for a mere word cannot alter the 
 attributes of divinity. Such, however, is not exactly the 
 case: for there are men who talk of chance, under a differ- 
 ent impression, though they are incapable of comprehending 
 it; which, after all, brings the matter to one point; and the 
 dispute at last is merely whether we should say sheet of 
 leather, or leathern shoes, 
 
190 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 l'exvoy OF THE POET. 
 
 This fool, in blinding reason takes delight ; 
 
 For thro 9 an endless wilderness he rambles ; 
 As if 'twould render doubly clear his sight, 
 
 To scratch his eyes out, rushing midst tho 
 brambles. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock tQ man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 191 ]. 
 
 SECTION XLIV. 
 
 OF FOOLISH POETS AND AUTHORS. 
 
 Tenet insanabile multos 
 
 Scribendi cacoethes, aegroque in corde senescit, 
 
 To sense refin'd vile poetasters 
 Act like adhesive drawing plasters : 
 For who can rhymes reacf with prose diction, 
 And not feel mental crucifixion ? 
 Or theme heroic, penn'd in bad blank verse : 
 Than which, on earth, no torture can be w r orse. 
 And, spite of this, to hear the wretched poet 
 Prate of Parnassus like the A me who know it. 
 Or boast of draughts from clear Pierian springs ; 
 Or mounting Pegasus, famM horse with wings ; 
 Excusing every fault of his poor wit, sir, 
 Crying— Poeta nasciturj nonjit, sir.* 
 
 * Of this unfortunate race of fools there have, alas! been 
 >o many; and, to the sorrow of Apollo, and the Muses, 
 
192 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or what can prove a blister more severe, 
 Than quondam author's impudence to hear ; 
 Whose vile productions are but idle vapour, 
 Destructive of such countless reams of paper ; 
 Fit for that office,* long ordain'd by fate, 
 Which I, from decency, refrain to state : 
 
 {here is still an abundance, both as rhymesters and blanl* 
 verse composers: not to lay any stress on the score of 
 obscenity, which has been published by these gentlemen, 
 to the detriment of morality, there are, literally productions 
 of this nature, which neither display one spark of the fire 
 of imagination, nor even a trace of the composition, so re- 
 quisite in all poetic effusions. To every rhymester of this 
 class, I advise the selection of themes, similar to those 
 which follow, for the trial of his skill in versification. 
 
 He would an elegy compose, 
 
 On maggots, squeez'd out of his nose ; 
 
 In lyric numbers write an ode on 
 
 His mistress eating a black pudden; 
 
 And, when imprison'd air escap'd her, 
 
 It puft him with poetic rapture. 
 To all such dabblers in the puddles of Parnassus, I will 
 content myself, with saying, in the words of Boiicau, 
 Pauvre gens, je les plains, car on a pour les foux, 
 Plus de pitie que de corroux, 
 
 * Supposed, in allusion to the offerings presented, of ne- 
 cessity, at the altars of the renowned goddess, Cloacina. 
 
Ot FOOLISH POETS. 193 
 
 For vendors* now of books do not aspire 
 To publish sense, but nonsense, by the quire. 
 
 * Having annotated the theme of our bard, as far as re- 
 lates to the mushroom tribe of poets and authors, who 
 have of late years sprung' up, it would be highly culpable 
 in me not to say something on the score of publishers; as I 
 shall, by this means, put the other two classes of fools into 
 better humour with me than they enjoy in the present in- 
 stance. 
 
 It is necessary, in the first place, to remark, that printers 
 and publishers were, formerly, one and the same thing; 
 while it must be added that their scientific knowledge was 
 extensive, and not circumscribed, as at the present period, 
 to the title and dimensions of a work. No bookseller thinks 
 of purchasing a production, now-a-days, without sending the 
 MS. to be perused by some supposed learned critic in the 
 back ground, who is payed for his trouble, whose fiat is 
 irrevocable with the dealer; possessing a head, in most 
 instances as thick and ponderous as the binder's hammer, 
 which, at some future period, belabours the publication, 
 previous to its adonization in morocco, russia, or calf. There 
 is, however, no rule without an exception, as may be in- 
 stanced in a famous vendor of modern made books, whom 
 I shall denominate the great Maecenas of literary lumber. 
 This gentleman arrogates to himself exclusively the title of 
 
 T 
 
194 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 For, as to wisdom pure, they long have lost her i 
 For she ran raving mad in Paternoster : 
 
 author and book-maker general; as no work, he affirms, 
 issues from his warehouse, which had not only received his 
 mere sanction, but was positively planned by himself; so 
 that, upon all occasions, lie converts his writers into labour- 
 ers, who are to commit his sublime conceptions to paper. 
 Nervis alienis mobili lignum. 
 Therefore it is no longer the author who supports the 
 bookseller, but the bookseller the author, according to his 
 maxim. But to have done with this M&cenq^j let us but 
 glance 1 our eyes from Tower Hill to Hyde Park Corner, 
 and where shall we find a publisher possessed of one 
 genuine spark, connected with the love of Les Belles Let- 
 tres? no where is this phoenix to be found. Genius may 
 go hang or drown itself, while the execrable trash of men 
 of fortune and rank is caught at with avidity; and, being 
 bedecked with margin and plates, struts into the world 
 to be bought by fools, whose judgment is circumscribed 
 to the love of Gewgav, and whose reading extends no 
 further than the gold tinsel which bedecks the bindings of 
 their trumpery purchase. As such, O! poets and authors* 
 are the publishers of the present era, no wonder that your 
 idiot reveries are committed to the press, since being 
 
OF FOOLISH POETS, 19$ 
 
 And, far from human eyes, mopes melancholy, 
 To see the idiot world's consummate folly; 
 Which in her stead, chose men who place 
 
 reliance 
 On wire-wove paper, margin, plates — not 
 
 science.* 
 
 yoke fellows all, it would be strange, indeed, to find the fog! 
 capable of discriminating and despising his brother's folly, 
 
 * Not to lay any stress on the voluminous productions of 
 of that class of metaphysical and philosophical fools, men- 
 tioned by the poet in the foregoing section, there are, indeed, 
 a sufficient quantity of a different species to warrant these 
 lines; and of that number we may particularly instance the 
 works of plagiarists, which are incessantly issuing from the 
 press, and managed with so little skill and such barefaced 
 effrontery, as absolutely to create astonishment. This ne- 
 glect, however on their parts, may be construed, in some 
 respects, as a proof of their knowledge of society, as it is, 
 which contents itself with the froth, the saperface, or fly- 
 away literature, leaving the sterling to the few who have 
 minds sufficiently enlightened to profit by the instructions 
 they contain. Of plagiarists we may say with Jovius: Cas- 
 trant alios, ut libros sitos, per se graciles, alieno adipe sttffar- 
 ciant. With respect to novels and romances, they are of 
 longer standing than may at first be imagined: not to men- 
 tion ancient metrical romances, the Arcadia of Sir Philip 
 
196 the ship of fools. 
 
 l'exvoy of the poet. 
 
 Ere thou aspir'st to rhyme, and stand high stilt 
 
 on, 
 Consult a Dryden, Pope, Shakspeare, and Milton ; 
 And, if from thence, thou feel'st assur'd, endite. 
 So, after study and unceasing toil, 
 Vying with Locke, Swift, Newton, Burton, Boyle, 
 Then, authors, pr'ythee, wield your pens, and 
 
 write. 
 
 Sidney, written in the reign of Elizabeth, &c. and which is 
 justly lashed by my Lord Orford, who calls it a dull pedan- 
 tic production, which a love -sick maid could not wade 
 through, we have other instances which are of French ex- 
 traction; such as Cassandra, The Grand Cyrus of madam 
 Scudery, Sec. which were translated into English by sir 
 Clement Cotterel, Loveday, &c. and which, doubtless, led 
 the way to the after productions of a similar stamp, and 
 which are now not daily, but hourly produced, to the dis- 
 grace of modern times. These reams of Leaden Hall lum- 
 ber, though issuing under the auspices of a Minerva, are 
 not, however, to be solely condemned on the score of non- 
 sense, but are deserving the severest lash of criticism, on 
 account of the frequent destructive tendency they have to 
 the morality of the rising generation, which reads this spe- 
 cies of production with such marked avidity. 
 
OF FOOLISH POETS. 197 
 
 So shall the poet wreaths unfading wear, 
 And praise immortal crown the author's care. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 T2 
 
[ 198 3 
 
 SECTION XLV. 
 
 OF IMPERIAL FOOLS. 
 
 O, but man! proud man! 
 
 Drest in a little brief authority, 
 
 Most ignorant of what he's most assur'd, 
 
 His glassy essence; like an angry ape, 
 
 Plays such fantastic tricks before high Heav'n, 
 
 As make the angels weep. 
 
 Come, senseless men, and view your god, 
 Who rears on earth the idiot's rod, 
 
 And, prostrate 'fore his stool, 
 Your hands and hearts at once upraise, 
 To sing your mighty sovereign's praise, 
 
 The great imperial fool. * 
 
 * Who can peruse the annals of the Roman emperors, 
 without allowing the truth of this remark; as, with very few 
 exceptions, their reigns were characterized with murder, 
 prodigality, incest, extravagance, voluptuousness, bestiali- 
 ty, and, in short, every folly and vice that is abhorrent to 
 human nature. As to the emperor who made a consul of 
 
OF IMPERIAL FOOLS. 199 
 
 His glitt'ring crown, his purple robe, 
 His massive sceptre, golden globe, 
 
 And armed legions see; 
 While, bending at his nod, appear 
 The trembling sons of palsied fear, 
 
 That crouch 'fore sov'reignty. 
 
 Here view the despot, void of friend; 
 For here's ambition without end, 
 
 And rapine, blood, and fire; 
 Here's jealousy and direful hate; 
 Here's too the wish insatiate, 
 
 That would at heav'n aspire.* 
 
 his horse, he can s carcely be denominated a fool; as that 
 noble animal is, most assuredly, deserving any dignity <> 
 when placed in the company of a set of asses. 
 
 * Many instances might be displayed of this inordinate 
 folly in imperial idiots : but one, which particularly stands 
 on record, and, at the present moment, occurs to my recol- 
 lection, is adduceable in the person of Alexander the Great, 
 who thought fit to bastardize himself, by assuming a cer- 
 tain degree of heathenish godhead, in pretending to derive 
 his being from the great Jupiter Ammon. 
 
200 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Here's public smiles — thoughts that appal, 
 External state — internal gall, 
 
 With grave -consigning breath: 
 Yet, while condemning to the rack, 
 He views not, fool, behind his back, 
 
 The grinning spectre, death:* 
 
 * Nothing can possibly display more forcibly the folly of 
 imperial or kingly vanity, than the energetic lines of Shaks- 
 peare, in his tragedy of King Richard the lid. which run 
 thus: 
 
 I pr'ythee, friends, let's sit upon the ground, 
 And tell sad stories of the death of kings ; 
 How some have been depos'd, some slain in war, 
 Some haunted by the ghosts they dispossess'd, 
 Some poison'd by their wives, some sleeping, kili'd; 
 All murder'd. For within the hollow crown, 
 That rounds the mortal temples of a king, 
 Keeps death his court ; and there the antic sits, 
 Scoffing his state, and grinning at his jpomp ; 
 Allowing him a little scene, 
 TO monarchise, be fear'd, and kill with looks, 
 Infusing him with self and vain conceit ; 
 As if this flesh, that walls about our life, 
 Was brass impregnable; and, humour'd thus, 
 Comes at the last; and, with a little pin, 
 Bores thro' his castle walls, and farewel, king ! 
 
OF IMPERIAL FOOLS. 201 
 
 Whose bolt, when least expected, flies, 
 And then the fool imperial dies; 
 
 Of fate the common slave. 
 So farewel grandeur; for, 'tis found, 
 Thou only need'st sufficient ground, 
 
 To delve for thee a grave.* 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 If lowly men could view turmoils of state, 
 They ne'er would thirst for sov'reignty and 
 power. 
 
 The greatest earthly curse is to be great; 
 For, like the fire, it doth itself devour. 
 
 * The renowned William the Conqueror affords an in- 
 stance, even more striking than the fact above stated; since 
 it is recorded, that after his demise, his corpse continued 
 some days above ground, on account of the difficulty there 
 was, even to procure a spot of earth in order to bury him, 
 owing to the animosity that individual entertained towards 
 him while living, on whose domain he expired. The great 
 Charles the Fifth, the emperor, after all his conquests and 
 glory, terminated his career by entering a monastery; and 
 thus relinquishing that, for which he had toiled with so 
 much assiduity. Then, farewel to regal folly ! for 
 
202 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 Imperial Caesar, dead, and turn'd to clay, 
 Might stop a hole, to keep the wind away. 
 Oh! that that earth, which kept the world in awe, 
 Should patch a wall, t'expcl the winter's flaw. 
 
SECTION XLVI. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO THINK NONE SO WISE AS THEM- 
 SELVES. 
 
 Stultus, nisi quod ipse facit nil rectum putat. 
 
 Here's one who boasts conceit refinM, 
 As if all sense, 
 By Providence, 
 To his wise pate had been consign'd; 
 And plac'd in him such sterling reason, 
 That to dispute it were rank treason. 
 
 In argument he'll knock you down, 
 
 With yes or no, * 
 
 It must be so, 
 And if presumptive you dare frown; 
 
 * This species of egotism is as frequent in society as any 
 other epidemic folly with which it is assailed, and well 
 merits the following quotation from Terence; 
 Homine impcrito nunquam quidquid injustius 
 Qui, ni3i quod ipse facit, nihil rectum putat. 
 
204 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Take special care, he'll butt with horns of Box, 
 For doubting one as famous as Delphos.* 
 
 Mark, ye hist countenance and air; 
 
 Which well might pass, 
 
 For living brass, 
 While, bold and arrogant, his stare, 
 
 * The poet, in the above line, alludes to the celebrated 
 Delphian Oracle of Apollo, which was supposed by the an- 
 cients, never to fail, and was delivered by a virgin named 
 Pythia or Phcebus. Whether the Bos in the foregoing line, 
 alludes to the brazen bull presented by the tyrant of Agri- 
 gentum to this famed temple, we are at a loss to conjecture; 
 from the emptiness, however, of the skull of that brazen 
 animal, and from the brassy impudence of his countenance, 
 it is shrewdly surmised, that the poetaster might have in- 
 tended it in allusion to the properties of that species of 
 fools who were then under his consideration. 
 
 f The vanity of Nero the emperor, is recorded by many 
 historians; who needs must pique himself on being the best 
 actor and musician in Rome; and in order that he might 
 have no competitor, he caused the finest performer of that 
 time (who had acquired great fame) to be murdered; and 
 with respect to his musical talents, the burning of the then 
 capital of the universe, was deemed but a fit accompani- 
 ment to one of his solos on the fiddle. 
 
OF SELF-CONCEITED FOOLS. 20j 
 
 Bespeaks to all that he's the cherish'd elf, 
 Of no one creature living — but himself. 
 
 As the fierce tenant of some den, 
 With one accord, 
 By all abhorr'd, 
 This fool's turn'd forth from haunts of men; 
 For those who would be all in others' sight, 
 Are subject to the world's contempt and spite.* 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 If thou feel'st conscious of thy skill, be wise, 
 Nor publish it, thy vanity to sate; 
 
 For he who builds on others' fall his rise, 
 Brings on himself the universal hate. 
 
 * Notwithstanding the gratification which these conceit- 
 ed fools may derive from their overbearing impertinence, it 
 is, nevertheless, impossible, but that they must frequently 
 experience the keenness of rebuke, and suffer a degree of 
 mental pain on witnessing the marked hatred of such as are 
 tortured in their society; during such moments, therefore, 
 I would recommend to their consideration, these lines of 
 our bard, so truly applicable to their situation : 
 
 Why, all delights are vain; but that most vain, 
 Which, with pain purchas'd, doth inherit pain. 
 
 U 
 
J06 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
207 ] 
 
 SECTION XLVII. 
 
 OF POOLS WHO DAILY PROLONG THEIR OWJS 
 AMENDMENT. 
 
 To-morrow and to-morrow, and to-morrow, 
 Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, 
 To the last syllable of recorded time; 
 And all our yesterdays have lighted fools 
 The way to dusty death. 
 
 I feel conviction of my sin, 
 And will anew my course begin,* 
 Full oft the voice of folly cries out ; 
 But when the fool next morning hies out, 
 
 * The advice of Hamlet to his mother, when he urges 
 her to refrain from any further converge with his uncle, is 
 admirably calculated to impress the mind with the neces- 
 sity there is for beginning at once a reformation; and 
 that when the first step is taken, every subsequent one 
 becomes Jess arduous. Nor are the words of the Prodigal 
 Son, in the inimitable parable of our Saviour, less requisite 
 to these fools, when he says, " I will arise and go unto my 
 Father, and will say unto him — Father, Ihave sinned against 
 Heaven, and against thee, and am no more worthy to be 
 called thv Son,'" 
 
203 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 The sage resolve 's forgot, 'mid senseless crowds, 
 Nor heeded more than last year's passing clouds.* 
 
 O ! now I'll live to read and think, 
 Nor longer game, and wench and drink ; 
 A painted harlot's Satan's daughter, 
 And wine inflames, so I'll take water ; 
 Forego ail gaming — yet, produce the dice, 
 The wine and wench — all's then forgot, but vice. 
 
 No more my dress shall cause the stare, 
 My brain shall henceforth be my care ; 
 No more with whip I'll bloods beat hollow, 
 My race I'll now run 'gainst Apollo. 
 
 But dress and Bond Street, Tandem^ brazen 
 wh-r-s, 
 
 Bear sway and kick the muses out of doors. 
 
 * This reminds me of the story of Balaam, who would 
 not believe, though his ass spoke! and indeed, to the multi- 
 tude of feds who yUld to this propensity, we may say with 
 Horace, 
 
 Vivendi recte qui prorogat horam, 
 
 Rusticus expectat dum defluat amnis. 
 
 f A vehicle which neither comes under the head of curri- 
 cle or buggy, being drawn by two horses at kngtk, and not 
 
OF PROCRASTINATING FOOLS. 209 
 
 Cries age 'tis certain, by the bye, 
 
 That all men at some time must die ; 
 
 How simple not to have reflected ! 
 
 No more this point shall be neglected;* 
 To-morrow I'll turn o'er a better leaf, 
 The morrow comes, and pleasure proves the 
 thief.f 
 
 abreast, in order to display the dexterity of gentleman coach- 
 men. This appellation, which originated at one of the Uni- 
 versities, is perfectly consonant with the wit of the present 
 race of what are termed students, whether with trencher caps, 
 or fellow commoners' ?o~Lvns. 
 
 * In the prayers of the famous Dr. Johnson is recorded, 
 a curious instance of this foolery; for even that learned man. 
 therein confesses, that he nightly returned to rest, with the 
 determination of amending his course of life, and rising 
 early in the morning, but, when the morrow came, he as. in- 
 variably yielded to his old propensities, and continued in 
 bed till mid-day. It would have been well for our Lexico- 
 grapher, had he called to mind the following Italian pro- 
 verb, which so well expresses the fruits derived from labour. 
 Travaglio vinea la palma, e monda la rugine dell' alma. 
 
 f The folly considered by the poet in this section, which 
 may be well termed obduracy in sinning, is far more excusa- 
 ble in youth than in old age, for when we view deadened 
 
 U2 
 
210 the ship of fools. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Thus ev'ry fool to pleasure yields control, 
 
 And makes himself the veriest abject slave ; 
 For though assured such acts disease his soul, 
 
 Yet he delays the cure, till in the grave. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 
 passions, and the gray hairs of experience, still obedient to 
 foolery, and lost to conscience and approaching death, there 
 is certainly no excuse to palliate the dereliction from reason, 
 which frequently involves the fool in dangers from which, 
 not even the grave itself can relieve him, having tainted 
 the soul as well as the body with vice. 
 
 Assidua occupatione impedisce la tentatione. 
 
[ 211 ] 
 
 SECTION XLVIIL 
 
 OF NOBLE FOOLS. 
 
 Came there a certain Lord, neat, trimly dress'd; 
 
 Fresh as a bridegroom; and his chin, new reap'd, 
 
 Show'd like a stubble land at harvest home: 
 
 He was perfumed like a milliner; 
 
 And, 'twixt his finger and his thumb, he held 
 
 A pouncet box, which ever and anon 
 
 He gave his nose 
 
 My Lord and Lord Duke, 
 
 I needs must rebuke, 
 In defiance of star and of garter ; 
 
 For ye, like the rest, 
 
 It must be confess'd, 
 For the fool's cap your common sense barter, 
 
 £rom ye, my grave peers^ 
 With Midas's ears, 
 
212 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 I have long heard each boastful profession; 
 
 But were I to probe, 
 
 I fear that your robe, 
 Is the last gem* ye have in possession. 
 
 Neglectful of fame, 
 
 And that boasted name, 
 Which your ancestors proud were to bear O ; 
 
 Ye think less of state, 
 
 Than setting up late, 
 And your fortunes all losing atf Faro. 
 
 * This is certainly a pretty pointed stroke at our present 
 race of nobles, who merit the sarcasm, I am sorry to add, 
 but too justly; as therefore it would be impossible to cleanse 
 the existing Augean stable, we offer the following 1 lines to 
 the youthful fry, who will at some future period, inherit the 
 titles and estates of their fathers; Heaven grant that their 
 follies may not equally bear them company ! 
 
 Peace, master Marquis — you aremallapert; 
 
 Your fire new stamp of honour is scarce current. 
 
 O! that your young Nobility could judge, 
 
 What 'twere to lose it, and to be miserable! 
 
 They that stand high have many blasts to shake them ; 
 
 And, if they fall, they dash themselves to pieces. 
 
 f The destructive vice of gambling is most particularly 
 cultivated by our fools of rank and title, not only males, 
 
OF NOBLE FOOLS. 213 
 
 Ye now can't afford 
 
 For tenants a board,* 
 And to give to the poor food and raiment j 
 
 To raise a large sum, 
 
 For bill — comes a bum,t 
 Who levies on goods for its payment. 
 
 but females; and in too many instances, I fear, has the dame, 
 after losing every shilling 1 of cash, staked her reputation on 
 the cast of the die, and thereby entailed the title of her 
 lord upon a bastard progeny. 
 
 A donna cattiva poco giova la guardia. 
 
 * This is alas, too true, for although the feudal system 
 had its vices, it was not destitute of hospitality ; for then 
 the hall of every chieftain's castle rung with the strains of 
 joy, while the thick oaken board groaned beneath the weight 
 of viands and nappy brown ale; (vid. by way of proof, nume- 
 rous items in the Northumberland household book, and 
 many MSS. of a similar kind, preserved in other ancient 
 families;) whereas, in the present day, those sums, which 
 might alike procure the blessings of the multitude, by being 
 so dispensed, are, on the contrary, squandered in the me- 
 tropolis, on every species of wanton extravagance, and, too 
 frequently, low and disgraceful debaucheries. 
 
 La nobilta non s'acquista nascendo, ma virtuosamente 
 vivendo. 
 
 f This is a fact which repetition has rendered so notori- 
 ous, that it would be folly to offer any apology for the poet, 
 who well knew, that though the persons of our peers are 
 
214 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or if less profuse, 
 
 You still have a use, 
 For each guinea your follies to pamper ; 
 
 All sense you degrade, 
 
 With rout, masquerade,* 
 And with sensual appetites tamper. 
 
 Since thus ye debase 
 
 The name of your race, 
 'Mid the tribe of great fools I enthrone ye ; 
 
 For if your sires brave, 
 
 Could rise from the grave, 
 They wou'd shrink back with shame, and disown 
 ye. 
 
 not tangible, their goods are no ways secured from the 
 clutches of the hungry law. 
 
 * As to dancing Peers and great folks, they are of ancient 
 standing; witness Sir Christopher Hatton, who wo.o the fa- 
 voured of Elizabeth, from being quite aufait at turning out 
 his toes. But of later date, who does not know, that Lord 
 Lainsborough, in Queen Anne's reign, was so fond of this 
 amusement, as to advise his sovereign to jig away her grief 
 for the loss of George of Denmark — nay, even the solemn 
 station of a Lord Chancellor has not withheld him from 
 dancing reels, to the no small wonder of hi:s brethren, the 
 sapient periwigged judges. 
 
OF NOBLE FOOLS. 215 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 Refinement ne'er is look'd for in the hind, 
 
 But when the great in birth and title fail; 
 They ne'er can hope respect and love to find; 
 
 For lowly fools 'gainst noble fools will rail. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 216 ] 
 
 SECTION XLIX. 
 
 OF THE DISEASED FOOL, THAT WILL NOT ATTEND 
 TO HIS PHYSICIAN. 
 
 Crudelem medicum intemperans xger facit 
 
 14 What ails thee fool?" some friend doth cry, 
 
 " I'm passing sick, and like to die;" 
 
 « What's thy disorder?" — « Bile and rheum," 
 
 " Thou hast a doctor I presume?" 
 
 " A doctor, yes; who sends me oceans, 
 
 M But I ne'er take his filthy potions."* 
 
 * This folly is the more unaccountable, as it is certain to 
 terminate finally in that event which is the most dreaded 
 by every class of fools; so that it may certainly be said, the 
 foolery brings with it the reward of its folly; but, speak- 
 ing of sickness, who can call to mind these beautiful lines 
 of Shakspeare, and not allow their sterling merit. 
 
 Infirmity doth still neglect all office, 
 Whereto our health is bound: we are not ourselves, 
 When nature, being oppress'd, commands the mind, 
 To suffer with the body. 
 
OF DISEASED FOOLS. 217 
 
 The fev'rish fool thus having said. 
 Rising with hectic cough in bed; 
 Pulls loud the bell — in John doth steal, 
 And to his master takes the meal; 
 When, lo, to cure this sick man's croaking, 
 A roast duck stuff'd appears quite smoking. 
 
 Astonish'd at so strange a sight, 
 
 And wond'ring at his appetite; 
 
 The friend exclaims, " Why, this is fuel!" 
 
 44 To quench thy fever, take some gruel;" 
 
 44 Pshaw!" cries the fool, " 'tis vain entreating. 
 
 44 I'll rather die than quit good eating." 
 
 A week transpires, the sick fool's worse, 
 The knocker's ty'd, he's got a nurse; 
 Another comes, his situation 
 Demands physicians' consultation : 
 A third ensues, there ends all scoffing, 
 He's safe screw'd up in sable coffin.* 
 
 * There is another folly, which, when opposed to that at 
 present under consideration, is no less ridiculous. It con- 
 sists in placing too much reliance on physical aid; a very 
 curious instance of which is related by the French histo- 
 
 X 
 
218 THE SHIP OF TOOLS. 
 
 l 'envoy OF THE POET. 
 Why, if advice thou wilt not heed, 
 
 Need'st thou for a physician send? 
 If thou wilt act thyself the deed, 
 
 The doctor can't prolong thine end. 
 
 rians, in the person of the savage Lewis XI. who, while he 
 inflicted tortures on hundreds, was himself even more 
 afflicted; for we are informed, that he was so much the 
 slave of one Jacques Coctier, his physician, that lie suffered 
 at his hands the most insolent and threatening language; 
 conceiving that his life w r as solely preserved to him by the 
 skill he professed; and Jacques Coctier, on such occasions, 
 would increase the horrors of the monarch, by exclaiming — 
 " Je serais que vous me donnerez mon conge, comme vous 
 Pavez donne a d'autres ;" then, rolling his eyes and swearing, 
 he would add, " mais vous ne vivrez pas huit jours apres." 
 Upon which, the king w r ould humbly crave mercy, and sub- 
 mit to any degradation. But at this conduct of Coctier to his 
 sovereign we need not be surprised, when we are told by 
 Gaguin, in his Latin history, that the wretch did not scru- 
 ple to order as remedies for his royal patient, the warm 
 blood of infants to drink, as well as to bathe in. That the 
 reader, however, may learn the consummate folly of this 
 monarch, in its full extent, it is necessary to add, that when 
 he found the powers of medicine fail, Al mal mortale ne 
 medicar, ne medecina vale, he sent for a very pious hermit, 
 
OF DISEASED FOOLS. 219 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 called Francois Martotille, whom he received with as much 
 ceremony as if he had been the sovereign Pontiff, and to 
 this pious old man he prostrated himself to earth, supplicat- 
 ing by promises and gifts that he would intercede with 
 Heaven, to grant him a prolongation of existence; but 
 Martotille being too honest to profit by this foolery of the 
 king, exhorted him, on the contrary, rather to think of the 
 world to come, than the present state of existence; which 
 advice was far from the monarch's wish, who therefore dis- 
 missed the hermit, and as a dernier resort, being wrought upon 
 by superstitious timidity, he literally caused various relics 
 of saints to be arranged around his bed (which were not only 
 brought from different parts of his own dominions, but pro- 
 cured at an enormous expense from Rome and Constanti- 
 nople) by means of which, he conceived, that the approach 
 of death would be barred from him. It is merely necessary 
 to add, that the punition Lewis XI. thus experienced, seem- 
 ed but a manifestation of the just vengeance of Omnipo- 
 tence, for the sanguinary proceedings which characterized 
 the reign of that monarch. 
 
I 220 
 
 SECTION L. 
 
 OF FOOLS THAT WILLINGLY PUT THEMSELVES IN 
 THE WAY OF PERIL. 
 
 Idemens! et szevas curre per Alpes, 
 
 Ut pueris placeas et declamatio fias. 
 
 Of sportsmen I've already spoken, 
 
 Whose limbs and necks so oft are broken ; 
 
 But now behold the buck quite dashing, 
 
 Who down fam'd Bond Street must be splashing, 
 
 On boot high perchM the palm to win, 
 
 With four blood horses half broke in. 
 
 For fame as knight o'the whip thus striving, 
 Through ranks close hemm'd of coaches driving; 
 His furious steeds each moment whipping, 
 And all competitors outstripping; 
 Is all his aim, and that each stranger, 
 May see him, fool-like, dare all danger.* 
 
 • It is certain that though the rashest actions have at 
 times been crowned with success, they are but few in num- 
 
OF HAZARDOUS FOOLS. 221 
 
 If racing, that the fool may win it, 
 He'd fain go one mile in the minute; 
 For which he urges, spurs, and whips, 
 In hopes to vie with fam'd Eclipse; 
 And striving still to gallop faster, 
 Down drops the racer with his master. 
 
 ber, when compared with the destructive termination which 
 has in general accompanied this species of folly. — Charles 
 the Twelfth, of Sweden, proved himself a rash fool, in op- 
 posing- the whole army of the Turks at Bender, when he 
 had but a few followers; nor was there more real bravery in 
 his conduct than was displayed some years back, by the fool 
 who walked round the iron balustrade which appears at the 
 summit of the monument; for in both cases, the same fact will 
 hold good, viz. had the Swedish monarch been shot, no one 
 would have pitied his fate, but branded him with the well 
 earned appellation of fool; and, in like manner, if the idiot 
 who sported himself on the rail of the monument, had been 
 precipitated to the bottom, there would have been but one 
 opinion — That his foolhardiness well merited its punish- 
 ment. Such being the fact, let all rash men, ere they un- 
 dertake an action, consider only what will be the derision 
 of mankind, if they fail, and that simple interrogatory will 
 at once instruct them, whether or no their conduct is sanc- 
 tioned by the dictates of reason, common sense, and prudence, 
 for the latter requisite is as absolutely essential to real 
 courage, as any other. 
 
 X2 
 
222 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 A strumpet's character's so tender, 
 That fools there are, who, to defend her, 
 Their lives consult no more than pullets, 
 And willing meet th' offender's bullets; 
 Thus wisely surfeiting* his hobby, 
 By being shot * — for row in lobby. 
 
 * Notwithstanding the modern vocabulary of honour, 
 which tells a man to risk his life, because another treads 
 upon the tail of his dog; I must nevertheless affirm, that 
 such conduct has nothing to do with real courage; for there 
 are but very few injuries of such a glaring nature as to de- 
 mand the blood of one fellow creature at the hands of 
 another. Would it argue real courage, let me ask, for a 
 man of a delicate and weak habit, and quite devoid of skill, 
 to put his strength in opposition to an experienced bruiser? 
 or would it redound to the credit of an individual who had 
 never fired a pistol, to place himself within twelve paces of 
 a man who could hit a crown piece at thirty yards, and who 
 was to have the first shot into the bargain; if such be the 
 standard of bravery, and the touchstone of honour, I must 
 certainly coincide with FalstafF, when he exclaims, 
 
 " What is honour? a word — What is that word honour? 
 Air; a trim reckoning. Who hath it? He that died a Wed- 
 nesday. Doth he feel it? No. Doth he hear it? No. Is it in- 
 sensible then? Yea, to the dead. But will it not live with the 
 living? No." 
 
OF HAZARDOUS FOOLS. 22c 
 
 No jot are modern belles less tardy, 
 
 To show themselves alike fcol hardy; 
 
 Who of their health are grown so thriftless, 
 
 As to go next akin to shiftless ; 
 
 "Art," they exclaim, " is naught to us," 
 
 Infiuris naturalibus, 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Short is life's span, and much we have to do, 
 
 Their final doom none court but little wits ; 
 For death' your fools and madmen only sue, . 
 
 Wise men will live as long as God permits. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 Dr. Paley, in his Political and Moral Philosophy, very 
 justly observes, that honour is nothing" more than a law in- 
 stituted by one certain class of people which is to act as a 
 tie upon another, having no reference whatever, either to 
 religion or morality; and with respect to that species of 
 honour which prompts a man to rush headlong into ruin, it 
 is invariably the rule, that if the actor succeeds, he is 
 crowned with the applause of the multitude ; whereas, if 
 he fails, he is sure to be as universally reprehended. 
 
[ 224 j 
 
 SECTION LI. 
 
 OF GENTLEMEN FOOLS. 
 
 Licet superbus ambules pecuniae, 
 Fortuna non mutat genus. 
 
 Some cheesemonger or tallowchandler, 
 Who's got by trade of gold command sir ; 
 
 To vie with gentlefolks aspires; 
 Thinks no one half so bless'd by fate, 
 As when he's got a fine estate; 
 
 And to his country seat retires.* 
 
 With purse-proud folly overbearing, 
 And ignorance beyond comparing, 
 
 * On the score of tradesmen having country seats, I have 
 only to remark, that if our men of title and fashion do not 
 look sharp about them, all the estates of their ancestors 
 will become the property of the mercantile part of this 
 country. Thanks to their own depravity ! 
 
OF GENTLEMEN FOOLS. ~2a 
 
 He struts the potent village peer; 
 Not conqu'ring Alexander fam'd, 
 Could with this pompous fool be nam'd 
 
 Or half so high his visage rear.* 
 
 Forgetful when he was his shop in, 
 And bacon rashers sold in Wapping, 
 
 With cheese and butter, eggs in scores; 
 Or else the cotton which was dipping 
 In stinking tallow, cook maids' dripping; 
 
 And sold spruce moulds, short eights, long 
 fours. 
 
 No longer such plain truths allowing, 
 He looks of course to others' bowing; 
 
 As when on Sabbath holy; 
 Quite consequential to the view, 
 He struts along the aisle to pew, 
 
 While peasants bend quite lowly. t 
 
 * Shakspeare says truly, 
 
 " Small things make base men proud;" 
 
 and certainly to him who knows not justly how to appreciate 
 riches, nothing" can be more despicable— It is but " throw* 
 ing pearls before swine/' 
 
 A chi Fortuna suona, poco senno basta. 
 
 f It is the province of ignorance to lord it most when fa- 
 voured with the smiles of fortune, for—. 
 
226 THE SHIP OF IOOLS. 
 
 Behind, his rib— dame Lard, or Wick, sir, 
 Struts on, with heir apparent Dick, sir, 
 
 And miss, with tawdry sash and frock; 
 Mamma, with face both broad and brawny, 
 And lank-hair'd master, quite a sawney, 
 
 The miss's head a barber's block. 
 
 Devoid of manners, taste, and science,* 
 To books this jolt-head bids defiance, 
 
 His booby spoiFd son goes astray; 
 
 Spends all his wealth- — weds a street-walker; 
 Miss is in love — John's a fine talker, 
 
 So with dad's footman runs away.. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Vain would this dolt the mental pow'rs refresh. 
 
 And banish ills by habit long inhal'd; 
 What's in the bone must ever taint the flesh, 
 
 He's the bad shilling to the counter nail'd. 
 
 • Pride hath no other glass 
 
 To show itself but pride: for supple knees 
 Fee arrogance, and are the proud man's fees. 
 
 * A ludicrous trial, in which a sugar plumb City Knight 
 was defdrJant, having assaulted a Carman in the Green- 
 
OF GENTLEMEN FOOLS. 22T 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 wich-road, on the score of precedence, affords a true spe- 
 cimen of this species of ignorant and overbearing pride. 
 
 He that's proud eats up himself. Pride is his 
 
 own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle : and whate- 
 ver praises itself but in the deed, devours the deed i'the 
 praise. 
 
I ~ 28 ] 
 
 SECTION LII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO IN AGE GIVE BAD EXAMPLES TO 
 YOUTH. 
 
 ■ Velocius ac citius nos, 
 
 Corrumpunt vitiorum exempla domestica, magnis, 
 Cum subeant animos auctoribus. 
 
 If old fools are to eating prone, 
 
 And will indulge when at the table; 
 
 'Tis little wonder sense must own, 
 
 That youths should guttle while they're able. 
 
 If gray hairs will get drunk with wines, 
 And yield to shameful conversation; 
 
 No w r onder youth that way inclines, 
 And wafts to lewdness his oblation. * 
 
 • If we are to judge of our ancestors, by the conduct ot 
 the rising generation, they must indeed have been very ex^ 
 pert practitioners in every species of debauchery and ini- 
 quity; as we may well exclaim to ninety-nine out of the 
 hundred of both sexes in the present era, Ecce signum! 
 
OF BAD EXAMPLES TO YOUTH. 229 
 
 If dotards will be fops and game, 
 
 And 'spite of impotence be wenching;* 
 
 Why feel surprise? youth doth the same, 
 Whose raging fuel needs some quenching. 
 
 If mothers will give bad advice, 
 
 'Tis little wonder that the daughter 
 
 Is not in virtue over nice, 
 
 When we reflect the parent taught her.f 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 If moral thou vouldet see the rising race, 
 Beware, nor let thy faults appear in view; 
 
 Such conduct will their dawning ills efface, 
 And they'll prove virtuous, finding worth in 
 you. 
 
 * We certainly have a sufficiency of old fools, both with 
 and without titles, to corrupt any youthful race that has 
 flourished since the period of our great progenitor Adam, 
 and on the score of conversation, they certainly verify the 
 Latin proverb, 
 
 Corrumpunt bonos mores, colloquia prava. 
 
 t Would to Heaven that the string* of divorces, which 
 has of late years contaminated the page of female morality 
 in high life, did not avouch the truth of our Poet's asser- 
 
 Y 
 
230 THE SHIP OF TOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 tion, and that the conduct of modern wives was not an 
 escort to these lines from Butler. 
 
 When o'er the breeches greedy women, 
 Fight to extend their vast dominion ; 
 When wives their sexes shift like hares, 
 And ride their husbands, like nightmares; 
 
 For when men by their wives are cow'd, 
 Their horns of course are understood. 
 
C 231 ] 
 
 SECTION LIIL 
 
 OF THE ENVIOUS FOOL, 
 
 Invldus alterius macrescit rebus opimis. 
 
 Can you no worth in others see. 
 That you will nourish jealousy, 
 
 And from just praise refrain? 
 What reason, fool, have you to care, 
 Although your face be not so fair, 
 
 Should that give cause for pain?* 
 
 Or, will you cherish rancour's probe? 
 Because you see another's robe 
 More costly to the view? 
 
 * The female sex is proverbial for envy ; and particularly 
 that part whom Nature has not arrayed in such external 
 fascinations as others can boast ; as if the human counte- 
 nance was everlasting ; and that the mind and manners did 
 not possess more sterling fascinations than those of the body, 
 
 " My heart laments that virtue cannot live 
 Out of the teeth of emulation." 
 
232 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or, that you can less science show 
 In music? Or, like Parisot, 
 The figure steps can't do?* 
 
 Or, why should man his spirits vex, 
 To hear from all the female sex, 
 Another's form commended?! 
 
 * Every little accomplishment is equally a source of envi- 
 ous detraction ; but not alone to the bodily requisites do 
 these meannesses extend; virtue itself is not proof against 
 calumny; for so rancorous is her tooth, that, as Livy says, 
 
 Cceca invidia est; nee quidquam aliud scit, quam detrac- 
 tare virtutes. 
 
 f I have alluded above to the folly of females, in regard 
 to envy : not that I can discriminate the difference of a shade 
 between them and the male part of the creation, which is 
 equally enslaved by this degrading folly : for, let a man be 
 extolled in a society of males for any superior endowments, 
 whether mental or corporeal, and you will never fail to hear 
 the hue and cry raised against him for numberless faults, to 
 counterbalance the eulogium, whether they belong to him 
 or not. The injured man, however, has always this consola- 
 tion, that, notwithstanding the tale may be credited by the 
 multitude of fools, the wise man will always discern the 
 truth, and see clearly through the flimsy veil, which mali- 
 
OF THE ENVIOUS FOOLS. 23' 
 
 Why feed on mean and envious thought, 
 To see a mind with learning fraught, 
 And polish'd manners blended? 
 
 Rather let such the model be 
 Of emulation unto thee: 
 
 A sure reward thou'lt find. 
 For, by such tributary praise, 
 Thou'lt weave for thine own brow the bays; 
 Ennobling soul and mind. 
 
 - L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 Be wise, O fool! and, if thou wouldst find rest, 
 Forth from thy mind each envious thought dis- 
 pel: 
 
 For he that hugs this demon to his breast, 
 Is curs'd thro' life with an eternal hell.* 
 
 cious spirits, conscious of their own inferiority, purposely 
 weave, in order to conceal the truth from their envious 
 minds. 
 
 * This advice of the poet cannot be better illustrated than 
 by quoting these words of Juvenal : 
 
 Invidia Siculi non invenere tyranni; 
 Tormentum majus. 
 
 YD 
 
234 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
C 235 3 
 
 SECTION LIV. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO BELIEVE IN PREDESTINATION. 
 
 Che sara sara. 
 
 Make fools believe in their foreseeing 
 Of things, before they are in being; 
 As if the planet's first aspect, 
 The tender infant did infect, 
 In soul and body, and instil 
 All future good and future ill. 
 
 This fool, who shows bells, cap, and ladle^ 
 Vows that, ere yet a babe in cradle, 
 
 His destiny, by fate, was told, 
 How he should wear both clout and frock; 
 The meazles suffer, chicken pock, 
 
 The hooping cough; and catch a cold. 
 
 'Twas equally a point momentous, 
 And a forewarning, most portentous, 
 For playing truant, jest in church; 
 
236 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or, when in school, neglecting book, 
 Or, running scores with pastry cook, 
 
 That breech should feel the twitch of birch.* 
 
 In youth, 'twas no less necessary 
 For him to fall in love with Mary, 
 
 And pay to parish pounds for fun: 
 That he full oft should be a failer, 
 In sett'ling bills; and that his tailor 
 
 Should hire the bailiff for his dun. 
 
 That he, in age, should need no lasses; * 
 But, for his eyes, on nose wear glasses; 
 
 With pain rheumatic crawl about: 
 With toothless gums his victuals mumble; 
 And, with ill nature, often grumble, 
 
 When he endures a fit of gout. 
 
 * This species of foolish foreknowledge brings to mind 
 these lines of Butler: 
 
 Some towns and cities, some, for brevity, 
 Have cast the 'versal world's nativity; 
 And made the infant stars confess, 
 Like stars on children, what they please. 
 
©F FOOLISH PREDESTIKARIANS. 237 
 
 v , In short, my fool, in mere rotation, 
 Your boasted wise predestination,* 
 
 Is nothing more than all men know: 
 That some have griefs, and some have joys; 
 Ware born, and live till death destroys; 
 
 Omnipotence will have it so. 
 
 Some calculate the hidden fates 
 Of 'monkeys , puppy dogs, and cats; 
 Some take a measure of the lives 
 Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives. 
 
 * Voltaire's Candid, or, All for the Best, is an admira- 
 ble production, and calculated, in every respect, to prove 
 the fallacy of the doctrine of predestinarians: if any instance 
 is required to prove this folly in its full extent, the reader 
 has only to consider the conduct of the Turks, who are such 
 rooted votaries of predestination, as absolutely to suffer the 
 dead bodies to be exposed in a putrid state, in the time of 
 a plague, rather than be at the trouble of burying them; as 
 they are firmly of opinion, that such conduct would not 
 conduce to extend the infection; for that if the plague is to 
 rage more furiously, it was previously ordained by fate* 
 and therefore no human endeavour could prevent, in the 
 smallest degree, its destructive ravages. 
 
238 THE SHIP OF TOOLS. 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Before a man's birth, 'tis thought, his fate is cast, 
 Be he a beggar, or a chief renown'd: 
 
 Yet, when all's said, 'tis oniy found at last, 
 
 That rogues, when hung, are certainly not 
 drown'd. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
[ 239 ] 
 SECTION LV. 
 
 OF MARTIAL FOOLS. 
 
 Bella! Horrida bella! 
 Matronis detestata. 
 
 Who would not be a brave commander;* 
 In war a raging salamander, 
 And do as his superior teaches: 
 
 * A cuspide corona, should be the soldier's motto: for, 
 even suppose that he is slain, he has acquired the wreath 
 of glory in the grave ; that is to say, according to the world's 
 opinion: though, for my own part, I am perfectly well satis- 
 fied with the glory of living as long as I can. Iniquissimam 
 pacem justissimo bello antefero. For I never think of fight- 
 ing, but it reminds me of the story of the late facetious 
 Captain Grose, of antiquarian memory, which ran as fol- 
 lows: " Old Lord Ligonier took the charge of his nephew, 
 when commanding the British forces abroad, and at the 
 commencement of the first engagement he was greatly ex- 
 asperated at the timidity which was evinced by his eleve, 
 who excused himself, on the score of the novelty of the 
 
240 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 With sword in hand mount deadly breaches: 
 Or, when the desp'rate foes beset. 
 Rush on, to eat his bayonet.* 
 
 dreadful scene; as the slaughter increased, the young man's 
 fear became less conspicuous, until a musket ball not only 
 levelled to the earth a soldier who was at his side, hut 
 splashed his coat with the brains of the deceased. On wit- 
 nessing this, a visible emotion was depictured on the fea- 
 tures of the young soldier, which was noticed by the en- 
 raged uncle, who, with a bitter imprecation, vowed that 
 his nephew was a poltroon, and only fit to be tied to his 
 mother's apron string. " I beg your pardon, uncle," replied 
 the nephew, archly, and looking at his bedaubed regimen- 
 tal coat, " I am not afraid, but am only astonished to find 
 that a skull here should be possessed of any brains at all." 
 
 * The Irish commander, of whom the following anecdote 
 is related, was, in all probability, one of those fiery hot gen- 
 tlemen, of whom it may be said, 
 
 II sangue del soldato fa grande il capitano. 
 
 But to the point in question. 
 
 When General O'Kelly was introduced to Louis XIV. 
 soon after the battle of Fontenoy, his Majesty observed, 
 that Clare's regiment behaved well in that engagement. 
 " Sire," said the general, * c they behaved well, it is true; 
 many of them were wounded: but my regiment behaved 
 better, for nae were all killed!" 
 
OF MARTIAL FOOLS. 24* 
 
 Who would not, when the fight increases, 
 Dash forward to be hack'd in pieces:* 
 And, to maintain his courage stainless, 
 Present to musket head that's brainless; 
 All death, save that of honour's hum: 
 For, who'd be wounded in the b — m?t 
 
 * Even the sacred functions of the clerical character have 
 been stained with blood, in despite of the precepts of Chris- 
 tianity; for it is related in history, that Richard Cceur de 
 Lion, having taken a fighting bishop prisoner, the Pope 
 claimed him as one of his spiritual sons. When the king 
 jocosely sent the Pope the hacked and bloody armour of 
 the bishop, saying, " Lo, this have I found, now know thou 
 if it be thy son's coat or no!'* 
 
 Such being the case, we may well exclaim, 
 
 Sure war must be the Lord's delight, 
 When priests 'mid seas of blood will fight, 
 
 f No man, surely, reared to that 
 
 heroic trade, 
 
 That demi gods and heroes made; 
 
 Slaughter, and knocking of the head; 
 
 The trade to which they all are bred, 
 could bear such an ignoble idea: 
 
 What! 
 
 Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, 
 
 As wise philosophers have judg'd; 
 
 Because a kick in that part more 
 
 Hurts honour, than deep wounds before* 
 
242 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 On siege how noble to be doting, 
 And lie in trenches till quite floating;* 
 Or trudge 'mid dust, and sun that parches. 
 To cut off thousands by forc'd marches; 
 Till stopp'dj at length, by some redoubt, 
 Half kill'd, the rest must wheel about! 
 
 5 Tis brave to form a barrier, 
 
 And guard the ensign, a rag carrier;! 
 
 It is a scandal of such magnitude, that the mere supposition 
 alone is sufficient to make a soldier's cocked hat leap from 
 off his head, or curl the whiskers of an Austrian hussar; it 
 would give animation to the boots of a French chasseur, or 
 blow up a light horseman's leather breeches. In short, there 
 is nothing wonderful that even the bare idea would not ef- 
 fect. La guerra fa i ladx-i, e la pace glimpicca. 
 
 * Bravo! Bravissimo! What are rheumatic pains, or the 
 loss of the use of limbs, when put in competition with mili- 
 tary glory? To't again: nay, stand up to the neck, and fire 
 away against a flinty wall; 'tis all on the score of honour, 
 which you may thus acquire. "A capite ad calcem. 
 
 f What, witness the taking oft a pair of colours! Behold 
 an enemy march away in triumph with half a dozen yards 
 of silk! Zounds and death! Who could submit to suqh in- 
 
OF MARTIAL FOOLS. 243 
 
 Or rivers cross as wide as Shannon, 
 First duck'd, and then made food for cannon: 
 Or 5 hem'd in fortress, starve like fiats, 
 Having devour' d cats, micS, and rats.* 
 
 After being slain in bloody battle, 
 You're well repaid with tittle tattle;! 
 Which friends at home rehearse so snugly, 
 For you, a mangled corse quite ugly 4 
 
 dignity! No; rather lead on the elite of your forces; let it 
 become bellum interned ?ium 9 to save the precious stuff, 
 though it only dangles in the wind, slit into shreds and tat- 
 ters. For, be it remembered, 
 
 Sotto Pinsegna si fanno i migliori capitani. 
 
 * Delicacies, beyond compare, when seasoned with Ao/j- 
 our: for what will not a military stomach digest, whose de- 
 light is to feast on death, and play with bullets! 
 
 f Ay; and a very decent recompense too, considering that 
 your single arm may have made twenty widows, and as 
 many orphans, in that day's battle, by sending to the shades 
 so many husbands and fathers as your avant couriers. But 
 it is all perfectly acceptable to military policy: because two 
 potentates, or ministers, have quarrelled, and therefore call 
 upon the multitude to avenge their injured honours. 
 
 t This is, certainly, rather a cold supper for those who 
 
244 The ship of fools. 
 
 Who, with your friends, the kindred brave, 
 Have reap'd it, fool like,* in the grave. 
 
 prefer The beginning of a fray to the end of a feast, and af- 
 fords a striking contrast to the spirited lines of our bard : 
 I saw the soldier, with his beaver on, 
 His cuisses on his thighs, gallantly arm'd, 
 Rise from the ground, like feather'd Mercury; 
 And vaulted with such ease into his seat; 
 As if an angel dropt down from the clouds, 
 To turn and wind the fiery Pegasus, 
 And 'witch the world with noble horsemanship. 
 
 * A truce to joking: for though the leading stanzas of 
 the bard excited risibility, the sober contemplation of this 
 subject is sufficient to excite the keenest emotions in the 
 breast of sensibility, to behold thousands of men, ranged in 
 battle array, fighting for they know not what, and slaugh- 
 tering they care not whom; and yet, if the very man who 
 falls had been with his enemy in a pot-house, he would as 
 cordially have drank with him, nor dreamt of enmity O 
 war! Accursed war! Well may thy fabled deity have been 
 depicted as drawn by terror and fear, led on by discord, and 
 followed by clamour and anger. Well may Bellona rear the 
 bloody whip, brandish the flaming torch, and on her head 
 display snakes, driping with gore. No picture can be too 
 disgusting, no thought more dreadful: as if Omnipotence 
 created men to murder one another. " Did these bones cost 
 
of martial fools. 245 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Honour, saith Falstaff, is mere bubble, sound, 
 
 An empty name, the madman's darling prize; 
 Most cherish'd when in cold sepulchral ground, 
 Most bright when veil'd in death from mortal 
 eyes. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 no more the breeding-, but to play at loggats with 'em ?" 
 Were the pangs of the mother felt, and the difficulties she 
 had to encounter in rearing her infant, experienced only to 
 serve as food for cannon? Think of that, ye potentates, and 
 let the contemplation stay your thoughts from bloody ex- 
 termination: and since the human life is but a span at best, 
 learn to abstain from its curtailment. 
 
 Z2 
 
[ 246 ] 
 
 SECTION LVI. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND A GAME, 
 AND YET WILL PLAY. 
 
 Al firnir del givoco si ve de chi guadagna. 
 
 He fights against experience stout, 
 That, always losing, holds it out; 
 And, knowing nothing of the game, 
 Makes skilful players do the same; 
 Who, leading card for him to answer, 
 He'll only do it by mere chance, sir.* 
 
 Supposing hundreds were at stake, 
 And all the senses wide awake, 
 
 * This is, eertainly, a very amusing circumstance; par- 
 ticularly when the partner has betted upon the rubber with 
 half a dozen persons; and expects, that what was the effect 
 of chance, originated in a thorough knowledge of the game, 
 which he too soon finds out, by lamentable experience> was 
 not the case-. 
 
OF IGNORANT, GAMBLING FOOLS. 247 
 
 5 Tis sure enough to make one sick, 
 When, fighting hard for single trick, 
 To view the fool, who then might choose it, 
 Trump your best card, and thereby lose it.* 
 
 'Gainst player fam'd the idiot see, 
 
 Who bets at billiards gallantly, 
 
 To strike a cannon, pocket balls; 
 
 When mark what sad mischance befals: 
 
 He makes the daring effort, silly elf! 
 
 And, missing all, naught pockets but himself. t 
 
 In all those games which skill require, 
 Your fools, thus obstinate, admire 
 
 * For a splenetic man, and a very fine player, or a crab- 
 bed old maid, that has, for the last twenty years, been 
 glued to a whist table, and who places great reliance on her 
 card money, to experience this circumstance, is a shock 
 easier conceived than expressed, and productive of effects, 
 not unlikely to set all the company present in a dreadful 
 uproar. 
 
 f This game, which solely depends on science and practice, 
 is too often mangled by unskilful hands: and the ridiculous 
 attitudes into which it frequently throws, not only the player, 
 but the bye standers, is well exposed in Bunbury's carica- 
 ture of the Billiard Room. 
 
248 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 To persevere, and thereby choose 
 Their time and cash at once to lose. 
 Nay, more — they'll laugh, and think it funny, 
 To squander thus their partner's money.* 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 If thou enact' s the zany, 'tis no rule, 
 
 That others should be deck'd in idiot fame. 
 'Tis sure, enough to play thyself the fool; 
 And not make them the partners of thy game. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 * This race of fools is very extensive ; no card room be- 
 ing without some of its votaries, to the no small discomfi- 
 ture of such as have to own them for partners in a game. 
 
[ 249 } 
 
 SECTION LVII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO PLACE THEIR TRUST IN HERI- 
 TAGE. 
 
 Tho' I look old, yet I am strong and lusty; 
 For, in my youth I never did apply 
 Hot and rebellious, liquors in my blood; 
 Nor did I, with unbashful forehead, woo 
 The means of weakness and debility: 
 Therefore my age is as a lusty winter, 
 Frosty but kindly. 
 
 Thine uncle, fool, thou say'st, is sickly, 
 And therefore, doubtless, will die quickly, 
 
 And leave to thee his lands and gold. 
 But, folks in years, will act contrary; 
 And, growing of their pelf quite wary., 
 
 Will live to guard it till they're old, 
 
 Year after year is still succeeding, 
 While, anxious, thou thine uncle heeding; 
 At eighty view'st him hale as thee: 
 
250 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 'Tis then thou think' st he'll sudden hop off, 
 In fit of apoplexy pop off, 
 
 And end, at length, thy misery. 
 
 How vain thine hope! To heritage farewell 
 Thine uncle, hearty, hears thy passing bell.* 
 
 * Every day affords instances of this nature; proving the 
 fallacy of this species of dependence in fools: an instance, 
 however, of rather a different nature, and where the youth 
 was greatly to be pitied, is recorded in the Lowther family,^ 
 to the following effect: The uncle of that name, who was 
 as rich as he was penurious, had a nephew, without a shil- 
 ling, and whose whole dependence was on his relative's will, 
 which would have been in the young man's favour, but for 
 the following circumstance: Old Lowther, returning home 
 one night, fell down, and dangerously wounded his leg; for 
 which, however, he would not have advice, on account of 
 the expense which would be thereby incurred: when the 
 nephew, feeling for his relative's situation, applied to a 
 surgeon, explaining the penurious principle of the old gen- 
 tleman, and requesting that he would attend him, as if 
 through charity, but that he should be secretly paid by 
 himself for his trouble; which being agreed upon, the ne- 
 phew informed old Lowther that he could procure advice, 
 gratis, which greatly delighted his uncle; who, in conse- 
 quence, assumed a different name, and took a mean lodg- 
 ing in the purlieus of St. Giles's, where he was attended by 
 
OF EXPECTANT FOOLS. 251 
 
 Or else prim aunt. Old women live long, 
 Is the dear burden of some youth's song, 
 
 Who rests all hope upon her will; 
 Stifles to please her jocund pleasures, 
 And ponders o'er the bible's treasures; 
 
 And heeds those morals she'll instil. 
 
 Thus in hope's bright sunshine basking, 
 The youth, one day, his spleen unmasking, 
 
 Pinches her pet; loud Ponto cries: 
 Or treads on tabby's tail — unwilling; 
 For which, poor youth, he finds one shilling 
 
 Jn will bequeath'd him when she dies.* 
 
 the surgeon, who, after some weeks, saved the loss of his 
 leg*, and, in ail probability, his life, by effecting a complete 
 cure. Unfortunately for the youth, the real fact came to the 
 uncle's ear, who had amused himself with the supposition 
 of his cure having been completed without cost: when, in 
 return for the kind proceedings of his nephew, he not only 
 discountenanced him from that hour, but made a fresh will, 
 and cut him off with a shilling. 
 
 * Lady D— y afforded an instance of this kind, who 
 literally left every shilling away from her next of kin, be- 
 cause he one day chanced to tear out a fly leaf from her 
 prayer book. 
 
252 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Go, fool, and for the loss of time repent, 
 Which thus, in hope of heritage was spent. 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 He who exists, desiring other's death, 
 Lives but on air, and wagers breath 'gainst 
 breath. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
f £53 ] 
 
 SECTION LVIIL 
 
 OF TRADING FOOLS. 
 Fortuna multis dat nimium, nulli satis. 
 
 To gold this fool pays such devotion, 
 
 That, to ensure the precious store, 
 He, on the wide, inconstant ocean, 
 
 Ventures his certain wealth for more.* 
 Now billows raging, winds loud beating, 
 
 Soon the fragile bark destroy: 
 Or, if rocks, shoals, or quicksands meeting, 
 
 Farewel the golden dreams of joy. f 
 
 * "When the mercantile fool acts thus, he may well ex- 
 claim, Fortune cjetera mando: or verify the Italian pro- 
 verb, that says, A torto si lamenta del mare, chi due volte 
 ei vuol torn are. 
 
 j When the evil arrives, the fool then recollects the words 
 of Syrus too late, who saith, Fortuna vitrea est, turn cum 
 splendet, frangitur. 
 
 Aa 
 
254- THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 But, if dame fortune, less capricious, 
 
 Wafts to thee the precious mine; 
 Awake, thou fear'st — while dreams suspicious, 
 
 Ev'ry succeeding night are thine.* 
 
 For what's possess'd, thou prov'st ungracious; 
 
 And thus defy'st all common sense; 
 Relying on pursuit fallacious, 
 
 Though bless'd with ease and competence. 
 
 Thus ever thankless fools, unsteady, 
 
 Spite of their reason, act amiss: 
 And, to exchange for ills, are ready, 
 
 The body's ease and mental bliss. t 
 
 * This stanza of the poet brings to mind the words of 
 Shakspeare, who, speaking of fortune, thus expresses 
 himself: 
 
 Will fortune never come with both hands full; 
 But write her fair words still in foulest letters? 
 She either gives a stomach, and no food; 
 Such are the poor in health: or else, a feast, 
 And takes away the stomach: such the rich, 
 That have abundance, and enjoy it not. 
 
 j No country can afford more instances of maniac, spe- 
 culative fools, than England, where they not only risk their 
 
OF TRADING FOOLS. 2 55 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Take special care, my friend, of what is thine; 
 
 For, this plain truth I'd have thee understand; 
 The storm will follow, tho' the sun doth shine: 
 
 Two birds in bush are not worth one in hand. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, . 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 fortunes in ventures abroad, but will equally grasp at any 
 mad scheme at home. Some delve for mines in the bowels 
 of the earth, and procure naught but dust for their cost and 
 pains; whilst others must build houses for wise men to pur- 
 chase at half price, when the speculator has become a bank- 
 rupt. In short, there is nothing too absurd for the folly of 
 discontented minds, which prompts them to exchange af- 
 fluence for poverty, ease and liberty for the confines of a 
 gaol. 
 
[ 256 ] 
 
 SECTION LIX, 
 
 OF FOOLS THAT WILL NOT SPEAK THE TRUTH, FOR 
 FEAR OF PUNISHMENT. 
 
 Quern psenitet peccasse, pene est innocent 
 
 The wily fool, by fraud and lies, 
 Will strive to veil from others' eyes, 
 A fault that's of inferior name, 
 Compar'd with that abhorred shame, 
 Which doubly taints him with disgrace, 
 While striving smaller faults t'efface.* 
 
 * The lines of Shakspeare, on falsehood, are beautifully 
 expressive, where he says, 
 
 . Two beggars told me 
 
 I could not miss my way. Will poor folks lie, 
 
 That have afflictions on them; knowing 'tis 
 
 A punishment, or trial? Yes: no wonder, 
 
 When rich ones scarce tell true. To lapse in fullness 
 
 Is sorer than to lie for need; and falsehood 
 
 Is worse in kings than beggars. 
 
OF LYING FOOLS. 257 
 
 For, there's in lying such a charm, 
 Men thereby think t'escape the harm,* 
 And thus punition's lash evade; 
 Being in tenfold sin array'd: 
 Forgetful that, by frank confession, 
 You half efface the first transgression. 
 
 Full oft you find that heedless youths,t 
 Bring on themselves by such untruths; 
 A father's unrelenting ire, 
 When, from his knowledge they desire 
 
 * La scusa del peccato accresce il peccato. 
 
 f There is some palliative for the petty untruths of chil- 
 dren, who seek to evade the rod, through the medium of 
 falsehood; as well as for the felon, who knows that confes- 
 sion must bring him to the gallows; but when we find vera- 
 city neglected, where it would not only, in a great measure, 
 obliterate the first offence, but save the guiltiness of a se- 
 cond fault, (than which none is more mean and despicable) 
 there can be no excuse whatsoever for its commission. Thus, 
 the fool, though he laughs in his sleeve, having practised 
 on others, by his falsehood, hath too frequently to rue the 
 effects of the folly committed against himself: therefore let 
 these words of Seneca be ever kept in remembrance: 
 
 Quem psenitet peccasse, pene est innocens, 
 
 Aa2 
 
258 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Their faults to hide: whereas contrition, 
 With truth, had banish'd all punition. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 He, who conviction of one fault doth feel, 
 And errs anew, the former sin to hide, 
 
 Flies, like the ruin'd gambler, to conceal 
 His rashness, by the stroke of suicide. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
I 259 J 
 
 SECTION LX, 
 
 OF FOOLS WHOSE LABOUR CONSTITUTES THEIR 
 PLEASURE. 
 
 As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to 
 his folly. 
 
 To rise at dawn this fool takes pains; 
 Tho' not to stock his silly brains, 
 
 And boast bright wisdom's rules; 
 He rather idles time away, 
 And loves from wisdom's path to stray. 
 
 With other kindred fools. 
 He riseth with the matin sun. 
 And takes his pointer and his gun, 
 
 To toil thro' foul and fair; 
 To wade thro' bog, o'er hedge to scramble, 
 And feel the wound from many a bramble, 
 
 In hopes to kill an hare.* 
 
 * That pursuit must indeed be noble which has for its aim 
 so glorious an achievement, as the slaughter of an animal in- 
 
260 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Thro 5 new plough'd lands well drench'd with rains, 
 Up the steep hills, o'er swampy plains, 
 
 While wet o'ertops his boot, 
 Full thirty tedious miles he trudges, 
 Fatigue nor loss of time he grudges, 
 
 So he his brace can shoot. 
 
 Jaded at dark he gains his doors, 
 Gorges and drinks and yawns and snores, 
 
 And hies at length to bed; 
 What fool but envies him the lot 
 Of being dubb'd a d-^-d good shot, 
 
 The most that can be said?* 
 
 offensive and timid like the hare; but indeed the avocations 
 of these fools, are upon a par with the perspicuity of their 
 understandings, which are invariably circumscribed to the 
 capability of breaking in a pointer, shooting at a mark with 
 precision, cleansing the lock and barrel of a fowling-piece, 
 finding out the best covers, giving the view halloo, and sit- 
 ting the longest at the table without getting dead drunk. 
 These are sporting glories, which afford copious matter for 
 conversation and exultation, even when the idiot has not an 
 eye left to discern a partridge from a wofldcock, or a hand 
 steady enough to hit the great tun at Heidelbergh, though 
 at the distance of one yard. 
 
 * Truly a very pretty and concise way of winding up or 
 giving the ultimatum of a gentleman's education! yet it is 
 
of laborious fools. 261 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 If half the time thus spent in useless toil, 
 
 Was giv'n but to th' instruction of the mind, 
 These fools would not at common sense recoil, 
 
 And in laborious follies pleasure find. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 a true billy as sufficient instances are adduceable in every 
 county of the united kingdoms of this realm, to warrant the 
 opinion of the poet. 
 
[ 262 3 
 
 SECTION LXL 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE MISFORTUNE; 
 
 Quemcunque miserum videris, hominem scias. 
 
 Contemn not, fool, with idiot laugh, 
 Those pangs which others may endure; 
 
 From mis'ry's cup thou soon mays't quaff, 
 And be, like them, despis'd and poor. 
 
 If others are bereft of store,* 
 
 And pine in poverty away; 
 Why shonldst t.hon add one pang the more, 
 
 Augmenting griefs with smiles so gay? 
 
 * The purse-proud, overbearing ostentation of menial 
 minds, when gifted with riches, is one of the acutest tor- 
 ments a liberal and scientific man can experience, who is 
 the sport of untoward fortune; since he has not only to en- 
 dure the evil from a wretch in every respect his inferior, 
 but also to stifle those generous emotions which a just 
 sense of contempt inspires, when heightened by the polish 
 of education. 
 
 Want is the scorn of ev'ry wealthy fool, 
 And wit in rags is turn'd to ridicule. 
 
OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE MISFORTUNE. 263 
 
 Or if the body should sustain 
 
 Some direful shock; some dread disguise; 
 Hast thou the heart to jeer at pain, 
 
 Canst thou deformity despise?* 
 
 If loss of parent or of friend, 
 
 Excites the pungent thrill of woe; 
 Need'st thou thy shameful mirth extend, 
 
 And laugh to scorn death's rueful blow?f 
 
 Why should thy folly fear deride, 
 The timid ne'er can harm thy rest; 
 
 The downfal too of pompous pride, 
 
 With joy should never swell thy breast4 
 
 * No folly can be more indecorous than that of deriding" 
 any bodily infirmity; for the province of a wise man is to 
 profit by the example, and offer due thanks to the great 
 Father of all, for having spared him from a similar misfor- 
 tune. 
 
 f This is a species of barbarity which, though less fre- 
 quent among fools, is, nevertheless, indulged in at periods, 
 to the utter disgrace of its practitioner, therefore, let the 
 words of Ovid be ever kept in mind, who emphatically saith, 
 
 Res est sacra miser. 
 
 \ To ridicule the timid, or deride fallen greatness, is a 
 certain index of a mean and dastardly spirit; nor can the 
 
264 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Think, fool, altho' thou smil'st this hour. 
 The next may give the cause to weep; 
 
 For there's yet one Omniscient Pow'r, 
 Whose justice ne'er was known to sleep. 
 
 I/ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 The bless'd religious precept ne'er disclaim, 
 Which tow'rd philanthropy unceasing tends, 
 
 Instructing thee to cherish all the same, 
 And even feel for foes as well as friends. 
 
 THE POET S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 annotator, however enamoured of Shakspeare, peruse, with- 
 out a sensation of disgust, those particular scenes in Henry 
 VIII. and the Merchant of Venice; in the former of which 
 drama is conveyed the mean tauntings of the noblemen sent 
 to divest Wolsey of his state offices, while the latter con- 
 tains the most ungenerous reflections on the religion and 
 misfortunes of the ruined Shylock: there is, however, little 
 doubt, but that the poet, in the latter instance, was guided 
 more by the popular prejudice of those times, than promp- 
 ted to indulge in mean reflections against the vindictive 
 Israelite from anv inherent littleness of mind. 
 
E ^ 3 
 
 SECTION LXIL 
 
 OF THE FOLLY OF ALL THE WORLD. 
 
 Ce monde est plein de fous, et qui n'en veut pas voir, 
 Doit se renfermer seul, et casser son miroir. 
 
 All the world's a mass of folly, 
 Youth is gay, age melancholy; 
 Youth is spending, age is thrifty, 
 Mad at twenty, cold at fifty. 
 Man is naught but folly's slave, 
 From the cradle to the grave.* 
 
 What creates the infant's joy? 
 Rattle, bells, and painted toy: 
 What the youth's? the wish to prove, 
 All his fervor, all his love; 
 And these pastimes, when grown old, 
 All forgot; absorb'd in gold.t 
 
 * It is sufficient to annotate this stanza with the words 
 of Horace, 
 
 Omnes stultos insanire, 
 
 f From the moment reason begins to assume its empori- 
 um, folly and vice equally claim a 'share of the human mind, 
 
 Bb 
 
266 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 What but wealth is man pursuing, 
 What but gold is man's undoing; 
 Mundane glory's supposition, 
 * Worldly pleasure's imposition; 
 Health's precarious, life's uncertain, 
 Soon or late, death drops the curtain. 
 
 Rear'd in folly's idiot schoolerie, 
 Ev'ry age thus boasts its foolerie; 
 From the mewling infant season, 
 To man's dotage — want of reason:* 
 Then bravo, fool, thy flag's unfurl'd, 
 And waves the ensign of the world. 
 
 because the passions ripen quicker than the intellect, and 
 it was on this account, that Bias, one of the seven sages of 
 Greece, hath said, - 
 
 * It appears very surprising", on the first contemplation, 
 that men should slip into the different stages of existence, 
 indulging in their foibles, without being scarcely ever no- 
 ticed by those individuals who surround them; yet this 
 is not at all to be wondered at, when we consider that 
 Niminum insarms paucis videatur, eo quod, 
 Maxima pars hominum morbo jactatur eodem. 
 
FOLLY OF ALL THE WORLD. 267 
 
 L'ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 Folly and humankind agree so well, 
 
 Zany shall toll dame Reason's passing knell. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, cheer up fools, these welcome tidings 
 
 greet, 
 For now the world is yours, there's room for 
 
 bliss ; 
 Such countless numbers shall fit out a fleet, 
 Instead of manning only one Navis. 
 
L 268 J 
 
 SECTION LXIII- 
 
 OESCRIPTION OF A WISE MAN 
 
 Hated by fools, and fools to hate ; 
 Be such my motto and my fate. 
 
 La piu gloriosa di tutte le vittorie a vincer se medesimo 
 
 Show me the man, less read in Romans, Greeks, 
 Than prone to think before his mind he speaks; 
 Whose judgment is not founded on mere rules 
 Of college pedants, and your men of schools; 
 But well digested in his classic mind, 
 From active converse with all human kind. 
 
 Show me the man, so temperate and cool, 
 As rather to be mute than cope with fool; 
 
DESCRIPTION OF A WISE MAN. 269 
 
 Glad to instruct where knowledge is desired, 
 And at the call of reason's voice inspir'd: 
 Most cautious, how he grounds an argument, 
 And in pronouncing judgment diffident. 
 
 - me the man, who with great fools ne'er vies, 
 ,\ncl in discerning, sees with his own eyes; 
 Who in bright virtue views the soul's best balm, 
 And feels that science keeps the passions calm; 
 Whose trust in Heav'n all thoughts of hate allays, 
 Learns him to pity those he cannnot praise. 
 
 Show me the being, so well understood, 
 Whom none e'er found to do what was not good, 
 Whose judgment ne'er arraign'd the will of God, 
 And tho' thus pure, obedient kiss'd his rod; 
 Who neither hugg'd his life, nor wish'd to die, 
 His hope nVd stedfast on eternity. 
 
 Show me this man; or, if I ask too much, 
 Produce that one who aims at being such; 
 And he, as rock unmov'd, 'mid tempests' roar, 
 Shall smile when fools and folly are no more; 
 
 Bb 2 
 
270 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 And, 'mid the crash of worlds — true* Rara Avis, 
 View the great wreck of Stultifera Navis.f 
 
 * Happy would the annotator conceive himself, was he 
 but enabled to adduce a single instance, wherein he might 
 display to his readers, a Rara Avis like that described by 
 thejpoet; but, unfortunately, neither the page of history, nor 
 his own converse with mankind, has yet empowered him to 
 note down, in his vocabulary, a single instance of the kind; 
 every individual, either from tradition, or, after his actual 
 association with him, having proved in some measure im- 
 pregnated with the mania of folly, not even to spare the sa- 
 ges of antiquity; who either lost their reason in the mazes 
 of research, or had some latent spark of animal depravity 
 attached to their lives. The conduct of Cincinnatus, per- 
 haps, is as much characterized by wisdom as that of any 
 famous individual recorded in the annals of history, since 
 he displayed his love for content, Huomo contento a piu 
 rico del mondo; yet even the mode of action which he adop- 
 ted, may be arraigned by sceptics on the score of selfishness, 
 since it was his duty to dispense for the common good, the 
 virtues which adorned his character, instead of retiring 
 from the scene of action, to bury his glories in a turnip field. 
 
 f Should any mortal feel so enamoured of the character 
 above depicted, as to become desirous of realizing this 
 Rara Avis in himself, I will lay down a rule of action, which;, 
 if pursued, cannot fail of producing the desired end: 
 
DESCRIPTION OF A WISE MAN. 271 
 
 Vivi come se tu havessi domani da morire, studia come 
 se havessi da viver sempre. 
 
 O ! let each new revolving day be pass'd, 
 As if to-morrow was to be the last; 
 But in thy studies, as industrious be, 
 As if thy life were an eternity. 
 
[ 272 ] 
 
 SECTION LXIV. 
 
 OF THE REWARD OF WISDOM.* 
 
 The wise shall inherit glory; but* shame shall be the pro- 
 motion of fools. 
 
 Wisdom looks calmly on the shafts of fate, 
 Truly enthron'd in its own mental state; 
 Arm'd against vice, its empire it destroys, 
 And tastes hereafter everlasting joys.f 
 
 * Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man 
 that getteth understanding. 
 
 f The poet having so well described in one stanza, the 
 reward of wisdom, here and hereafter, it would be needless 
 to add any thing further by way of note upon the subject: 
 his only hope, therefore is, that more individuals may de- 
 serve the recompense, than have come within the pale of 
 his cognizance; for the words of Solomon have been too 
 universally verified, who saith, 
 
 " Wisdom crieth out in the streets ; but no one regardeth 
 her." 
 
OF THE REWARD OF WISDOM. 273 
 
 THE POETS EXCLAMATION TO FOOLS. 
 
 How strange that godlike man will persevere. 
 And spurn the good, rejecting wisdom here; 
 Since 'tis as easy this reward to win, 
 As stain the body and the soul with sin! 
 
[ 274 
 
 , SECTION LXV. 
 
 OF BACKBITERS AND SUCH AS SHALL DESPISE THIS 
 WORK. 
 
 O ye simple, understand wisdom, and ye fools, be ye of 
 an understanding heart. 
 
 Wisdom crieth without; she uttereth her voice in the 
 streets: 
 
 How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity ? and 
 the scorners delight in their scorning; and fools hate know- 
 ledge? 
 
 Many there are, who on my page shall look, 
 That doubtless will revile this little book; 
 The reason's plain— «for there are few indeed, 
 Who will not trace their portraits,* as they read; 
 
 * That this will prove the case, there needs no ghost 
 from the grave to tell us; but that there will be found any 
 possessed of sufficient candour to allow it, is quite a differ- 
 ent matter; for the cry will be on all sides — " God bless 
 me! how much that reminds me of so and so !" " Well, one 
 would really suppose, that the poet had had Lord this, or 
 the other in his eye, when he committed his ideas to paper;" 
 
OF DERIDING FOOLS. 275 
 
 And naught in folly's brain creates such terror, 
 As to proclaim aloud its favourite error. 
 
 Yet tho' condemned by most part of mankind, 
 As censor public— .Critic most unkind; 
 I shall not shrink, nor from the truth abstain, 
 For wounds when prob'd must give the patient pain: 
 Therefore I'll publish — naught the clamour heed- 
 ing,* 
 Lavish'd by fools,t while they my theme are reading 
 
 yet, while those wondrous discoveries are making", the fools 
 will carefully withhold from the mention of their own foole- 
 ries, howsoever well their heads may be adapted for the cap 
 which has been made for them. 
 
 * This is certainly very contemptuous of the poet, who 
 might have used the words of our bard, to convey his idea 
 of the effect produced upon his labours by the slander of 
 fools. 
 
 ■ For haply slander, 
 
 Whose whisper o'er the world's diameter, 
 
 As level as the cannon to his blank 
 
 Transports his poison'd shot, may miss our name, 
 
 And hit the woundless air. 
 
 1 1 make no doubt, but that numerous fools, on the pe- 
 
276 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Some minds there are, not so much zany's* toojs, 
 As with deaf ears to greet my Ship of Fools; 
 To such, tho 5 few,t I dedicate my lays, 
 My muse well recompens'd by their just praise; 
 
 rusal of this little book, would be heartily glad to realize 
 the Italian proverb, which saith, 
 
 Se la lingua fosse una lancia farebbe piu male, che dieci 
 altra. 
 
 * The poet has ventured a great deal in this line; grant 
 that his affirmation may be verified by experience. I must 
 certainly say, that if there are any such, who refuse the 
 meed of approbation, I shall at once pronounce, that they 
 were not possessed of a single grain of gratitude, which is 
 the worst that can be said of human nature, for, 
 
 Ingratum si dixeris omnia dicis, 
 Or, to use the words of Young: 
 
 He that's ungrateful has no crime but one, 
 All other vices may pass for virtues in him. 
 
 f In this third line, the bard has checked himself with 
 the word Jew, a very lucky circumstance truly, for to find 
 him tripping in judgment, after censuring all the world, 
 (his Jew excepted) would indeed have subjected him even 
 to the ridicule of folly, which would have been warranted 
 in its full extent, while the scoffers, in arraying him in their 
 own bells, cap, and ladle, and calling him foot, would have 
 said with Horace, 
 
OF DERIDING FOOLS. 2£7 
 
 But as for countless numbers that refuse 'em, 
 They are but fools, and therefore I excuse 'em.* 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 • Ridentem dicere verum 
 
 Quid vetat ? 
 
 * And doubtless will repay their neglect as Jaques did 
 the moralizing of the fool, who saith, 
 
 ■ When I did hear 
 
 The motley fool thus moral on the time, 
 My lungs began to crow like chanticleer, 
 That fools should be so deep contemplative: 
 And I did laugh, sans intermission, 
 An hour by his dial. O! noble fool, 
 A worthy fool — motley's the only wear! 
 
 Cc 
 
[ 278 ] 
 
 SECTION LXVI. 
 
 THE AUTHOR A FOOL. 
 
 A fool, a fool! I met a fool i'the forest; 
 
 A motley fool — a miserable world — 
 
 As I do live by food, I met a fool. 
 
 Good morrow, fool, quoth I. — No, Sir; quoth he: 
 
 Call me not fool, till Heav'n hath sent me fortune. 
 
 As I've judg'd others, by that very rule, 
 Must I alike condemn myself for fool:* 
 
 * Heyday! What have we here? A very pretty confession, 
 indeed! So, after all, I have only been annotating the sec- 
 tions of a fool : a glorious recompense, truly for all my toil. — 
 Yet, soft; let us not condemn too rashly: for, perhaps the 
 two next lines may be tantamount to the unsaying what hath 
 been before said: therefore, by your leaves, gentle fools. 
 
THE AUTHOR A FOOL. 279 
 
 For who, that was not oaf, would take such pains, 
 To store a world of empty skulls* with brains? 
 Then, row on, fools; my vessel's ably mann'd, 
 Well freighted, sense and virtue to withstand. 
 Vain are opponents: wisdom naught can do, 
 While this great globe's the ship — mankind the crew. 
 
 * Ho! Ho! That's your meaning, is it, Mr. Poet? I now 
 comprehend the text perfectly: ay, and must coincide with 
 you in opinion, by calling 1 you a most consummate fool. 
 Why, as I live, there will not, perhaps, be one zany found, 
 who will think fit to requite the bard, by even honouring 
 his labours with a perusal; or, if any such should appear, 
 what will avail all this exposition of folly, and the advice to 
 fools? Why, it is but scattering chaff before the wind, or 
 strewing pearls in the way of swine; and then, what are to 
 become of all my notes, truly; and who is to repay me for 
 the time I have expended, which might have been so much 
 more profitably employed under the directions of a Miner- 
 va? Zounds and death! Why, I shall starve! Pens, ink, and 
 paper too, as I live, all gone to pot! I have no remedy left 
 but to publish, if I can get credit, that is to say. Therefore, 
 imperial fools, noble fools, reverend fools, nay, fools all, do 
 read me: and I was going to promise you a second volume 
 in Praise of Folly; but another and a wiser man hath given 
 it you before me. 
 
280 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Then trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis, 
 
[ 281 J 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 A. 
 
 Age, bad example given by, 228. 
 Agrippa, Cornelius, 166. 
 Alchemy, note on, 164. 
 Ambition, Shakspeare on, 175. 
 
 note on, 1-74. 
 
 ditto, 176. 
 Anaxagoras, his opinions, 162. 
 Anacreon, death of, 35. 
 Anne, Queen, and Lord Lainsborough, 214. 
 Annotator, his exclamation to the Poet, 278, 
 
 his complaint, 279. 
 Apollo, Delphian Oracle of, 204. 
 Arcadia, Sir Philip Sidney's, 195. 
 Ardesoif, Mr. the Cockfighter, 134. 
 Aristotle, philosophy of, 184. 
 
 de ccelo, 163. 
 Aristophanes, Comedy of, 188. 
 Arms, the College of, 180. 
 Astrology, Butler on, 160. 
 
 note on, 166. 
 
 C c 2 
 
282 INDEX. 
 
 Astronomers, learning of, 161. 
 B. 
 
 Bacon, Lord, prodigality of, 94. 
 
 Friar, 167. 
 Bajazet, 1 10. 
 Bar of Bastardy, 181. 
 Battle, end of, 243. 
 Becanus Goropius, 188. 
 Becket, Thomas, 6 1 . 
 Beggar on London Bridge, 151. 
 Bias, opinion of, 266. 
 Bills at Ladies' Schools, 89. 
 Billiards, Game of, 24. 
 Biographical History, Granger's, 122. 
 Boileau on bad Poets, 192. 
 Bolingbroke, Lord, and Dr. Manton, 186. 
 Books, modern collectors of, 120. 
 
 Black letter, 121. 
 B-sw-11's Tour to the Hebrides, 75. 
 
 Jemmy, anecdote of, 74. 
 Boudoirs, 2. 
 
 Busy bodies, note on, 1 17. 
 Butler on whipping, 90. 
 
 on the Occult Sciences, 168. 
 
 on abstruse Study, 186. 
 
INDEX. 285 
 
 Bunbury, his caricature of Billiard playing, 247. 
 
 Carausius, coin of, 128. 
 
 Caxton, William, 1. 
 
 Charles V. 201. 
 
 Charles XII. of Sweden, 221. 
 
 Ch-rtr-s Colonel, 16. 
 
 Chancery, Court of, sarcasm on, 146. 
 
 Chesterfield, Lord, and his Son, 63. 
 
 Christians, usurious, 83. 
 
 Cibber, Theophilus, anecdote of, 100. ^ 
 
 Cincinnatus, 270. 
 
 Cleopatra and her pearl, 92. 
 
 Clergyman in Yorkshire, anecdote of, 57. 
 
 Clouds, the Comedy of, by Aristophanes, 188. 
 
 Cockfighting, and Mr. Ardersoif, 134. 
 
 Coctier, Jacques, and Louis XI. 217. 
 
 Coin of Carausius, 128. 
 
 Collectors of Books, 1 20. 
 
 a purging one, 129. 
 Colours, preservation of, 242. 
 Conceit, note on, 205. 
 Conniving Cuckold, anecdote of, 104. 
 Conscience, 188. 
 
284 INDEX. 
 
 Costello, counsellor, anecdote of, 24. 
 Cromwell, Oliver, 177. 
 Cuckkoldom, lines on, 28. 
 Cup, Hardi Knute's, 127. 
 Curiosity, note on, 95. 
 Curls a la Recamiere, 9. 
 
 D. 
 
 Dancing at Seminaries, 87. 
 
 Dancing, nobility fond of, 214. 
 
 Dangerous Connexions, novel of, 2. 
 
 D'Aulnoi, Countess of, her Fairy Tales, 96. 
 
 Death, horrors of, 137. 
 
 Death, ridicule of, 263. 
 
 D — rh — st, Lord, 133. 
 
 De Foe's, Daniel, Robinson Crusoe, 140. 
 
 Discontent, note on, 141. 
 
 Disease, note on, 216. 
 
 Shakspeare on, 216. 
 Divorce, by whom unattainable, 29. 
 
 note on, 229. 
 
 lines on, from Butler, 230. 
 Dodd, the Rev. Dr. 137. 
 Drawing at Seminaries, 89. 
 Dutch, the language of Adam and Eve, 188. 
 
INDEX. 285 
 
 E. 
 
 Education, modern, fallacy of, 85. 
 Education of a Sportsman, 260. 
 Edward III. and Alice Pierce, 17. 
 Election Feast, Hogarth's print of 36. 
 
 folly of interfering in, 118. 
 Elizabeth, Queen, anecdote of, 17. 
 
 and Sir John Perrot, 106. 
 Empire, note on, 193. 
 English drunkenness, Shakspeare on, 39>. 
 Envy, note on, with respect to Females, 23 1. 
 
 note on, with respect to Males, 232. 
 Epicurus, his gluttony, 35. 
 Erasmus, his freedom on religious topics, 60. 
 
 F. 
 
 Fairy Tales of the Countess D'Aulnoi, 96, 
 Falsehood, Shakspeare on, 256. 
 Fasts, Dean Swift on, 186. 
 Feudal Times and Modern, 213. 
 Fighting, perseverance in, 242. 
 Fisher, Kitty, anecdote of, 92. 
 Flattery of Females, 76. 
 Folly, indulgence in, 266. 
 
286 INDEX. 
 
 Food, any acceptable in war, 243. 
 Fortune, instability of, 110. 
 Shakspeare on, 254. 
 
 G. 
 
 Galau, Bishop of Munster, inventor of bombs, 62. 
 Galileo, 167. 
 Gambling, 52. 
 
 instability in, 53. 
 
 thirst after, in the lowest classes, 53, 
 
 effects of, among our nobles, 212. 
 
 Stock Exchange, 54. 
 Garrick, anecdote of, 80. 
 Garrulity, note on, 169. 
 Garnish, always necessary, 46. 
 Gay's Miser and Plutus, quotation from, 67. 
 Gentlemen Jockeys, 54. 
 Gentlemen upstarts, 224. 
 Gluttony, 34. 
 
 Grace at table, a long one, 64. 
 Granger's Biographical History, 122. 
 
 portraits, collectors of, 123. 
 Grose, Captain, anecdote related by, 239. 
 Grosthead, Robert, 167. 
 Guagin, his Latin History, 217. 
 
INDEX. 287 
 
 H. 
 
 Harleian Miscellany, anecdote from, 58. 
 Hatton, Sir Christopher, 214. 
 Hazardous enterprizes, note on, 220. 
 Heloise of Rousseau, 2. 
 
 and Abe lard, 157. 
 Heliogabalus, his feasts, 35. 
 Hoax, a Stockjobbing one, 54. 
 Honour, Butler o:\, 245. 
 
 wonderful effects produced by, 242 
 
 modern notions of, 222. 
 
 Falstaff on, 222. 
 Hogarth's Harlot's Progress, 16. 
 Election Feast, 36. 
 on Wigs, 24. 
 Hopkins, Matthew, 124. 
 Hubert, Saint, the Hunter, 131. 
 Huns, anecdote of, from Marcellinus, 132. 
 
 I. 
 
 Jaques, on the Fool's moralizing, 277. 
 Jealousy, note on, 99. 
 Interludes, plays, and tracts, 12 1, 
 Infirmity, derision of, 263. 
 Jockeys, gentlemen, 54. 
 
288 INDEX. 
 
 Johnson, Dr. and B-sw-11, anecdote of, 74. 
 Dr. prayer of, 209. 
 
 K. 
 
 Killing no Murder, by Col. Titus, 177. 
 Knute, Hardi, his Cup, 127. 
 KouliKhan, 110. 
 
 Ladies' Schools, bills at, 89. 
 Lainsborough, Lord, anecdote of, 214. 
 Law suits, sale of, 1 3 1 . 146. 
 
 note on, 147. 
 L'Envoy of Alexander Barclay, 4. 
 Lewis XIV. anecdote of, 174. 
 
 and General O'Kelly, anecdote of, 240. 
 Lewis XI. anecdotes of, 237. 
 
 and Francis Martotille, 219. 
 Ligonier, Lord, anecdote of, 239. 
 Litigation, Folly of, 144. 
 London Bridge, Beggar on, 151. 
 Love, unnatural, 28 
 note on, 153. 
 humiliation of, 154. 
 Lovers, quarrels of, 154. 
 Voltaire on, 155. 
 
INDEX. 289 
 
 Love, Butler on, 155. 
 but desire, 156. 
 Lowther Family, anecdote of, 250. 
 Lying, note on, 257. 
 
 M. 
 
 Maitres, Petits, 19. 
 Man, a wise one, note on, 2 TO. 
 Manton, Dr. and Lord Bolingbroke, 186. 
 Marcellinus, his anecdote of the Huns, 132. 
 Mariana, unfortunate anecdote of, 42. 
 Marriage, improper, lines on, 40. 
 Martotille, Francois, and Lewis XL 219. 
 Masquerades, inebriety at, 50. 
 ill effects of, 49. 
 Maecenas, a modern Publisher, 193. 
 Merchants, note on, 253. 
 Military Commander, anecdote of, 37. 
 Modern Antiques, 126. 
 Modern and Feudal Times, 2 1 . 
 Music at Seminaries, 87. 
 
 N. 
 
 Nero, vanity of, 204. 
 
 Novels, 196. 
 
 Dd 
 
290 INDEX. 
 
 Nobility, note on, 212. 
 
 lines on, 212. 
 
 gambling among, 212. 
 
 fond of dancing, 214. 
 Northumberland Household Book, 2 1 * 
 
 O. 
 
 Office, petty Clerks in, 45. 
 Officers, Parish, vanity of, 45. 
 Opinions, fallacious ones, 187. 
 O'Kelly, General, anecdote of, 240. 
 
 P. 
 
 Pad, the, 9. 
 
 Paley, Dr. his Political and moral Philosophy, 223. 
 Parish Officers, venality of, 45. 
 Parliament, Extract from the Rolls of, respecting 
 Lawyers, 145. 
 
 In and out of, 44. 
 Pedigree, Antiquity of, in an English Noble, 178. 
 
 an anecdote of, 179. 
 Petits Maitres, 19. 
 Perrot, Sir John, 106. 
 Peruques, 10. 
 
 Philosophy, Political and moral, of Dr. Paley, 223. 
 Pierce, Alice, and Edward III. 17. 
 
INDEX. 29 
 
 Plagiarists, note on, 195. 
 Plato on Astronomy, 163. 
 Play, disappointment at, 246. 
 Plays, Interludes, and Tracts, 121. 
 Poems, Little, 3. 
 Poetic prescription, 28. 
 Poets, bad, 191. 
 
 Boileau on, 192. 
 Pope, Mr., false versification of, 5. 
 Pope, the, and Richard Cour de Lion, 24 L 
 Portraits, Collectors of, 123. 
 Predestination. Turks believers in, 237. 
 
 Butler on, 236. 
 Prescription, a poetic one, 28. 
 Pride, note on, 259. 
 
 quotation on, 227. 
 Priestcraft, pride of, 6 1 . 
 Procrastination, note on, 207. 
 
 note on, 209. 
 Prodigality, note on, 150. 
 Professor, a German's title, 170. 
 Promises, false, of Parliamentary Men, Sec. 77 
 Prussian soldier, anecdote of, 36. 
 Publishers, modern, note on, 193. 
 Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, 107, 
 
292 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 R. 
 
 Reason, Age of, Sec. 31. 
 Recamiere Curls, 9. 
 Religious Hypocrites, 77. 
 Richard I. anecdote of, 241. 
 Richard II. quotation from, 200. 
 Rolls of parliament, extract from, respecting Law- 
 yers, 145. 
 Ross, the Player, anecdote of, 72. 
 Rousseau, J. J. 2. 
 Rosso, the Poet, anecdote of, 155. 
 
 Sailors, foolish Extravagancies of, 93. i 
 Sake, Mull'd, 122. 
 
 Saunter, Sir, original anecdote of, 2 1 . 
 Scotus, Duns, the Logician, 185. 
 
 and the Statue of Virgin Mary, 186. 
 Scudery, Madam, 196. 
 Seminaries, Dancing at, 87. 
 
 Music at, 87. 
 
 Drawing at, 89. 
 
 Whipping at, 89. 
 jShakspeare on English Drunkenness, 39. 
 
 opinion of, 264. 
 
in&icx. 293 
 
 Sidney, Sir Phillip's, Arcadia, 195. 
 Slander, note on, 114. 
 
 Shakespear on, 274. 
 Sloper, Mr. and Theophilus Cibber, 100. 
 Sorbonne, the doctors of, 187. 
 Sportsmen, note on, 259. 
 Speculation, English famous for, 254. 
 Stael, Madame de, 3. 
 Stays, a la Je ne sais quoi, 8. 
 Standard, fighting for, 242. 
 Steevens, Mr. and Knute's Cup, 126. 
 Stock Exchange Gambling, 54. 
 Stockings, Silk, coloured, 10. 
 Study, abstruse Folly of, 184. 
 Supreme Being, difference in opinion upon the> 189, 
 Swift, Dean, of Fasts, 186. 
 Sweden, Charles XII. of, 221. 
 
 Tabards, description of, 181. 
 Tandem, a new species of Carriage, 208, 
 Tavistock, Marquis of, 133. 
 Thomas, Mrs. anecdote of, 165. 
 Titus, Col. his Killing no Murder, 177. 
 Tracts, Plays, and interludes, 121. 
 Trial, a ludicrous one, 226. 
 
294 INDEX. 
 
 Trowsers worn by the Ladies, 8. 
 Turf, the, gambling on, 54. 
 Turks, Predestinarians 237. 
 Timidity, derision of, 263. 
 
 V. 
 
 Vain Boasting, note on, 171. 
 Voltaire on Astrologers, 166. 
 his Candid, 237. 
 
 U. 
 
 Usury, note on, 8 . 
 
 Uxelles, Martial, saying of, 156, 
 
 W. 
 
 War, causes and effects of, 243. 
 
 Food, acceptable in, 243. 
 
 termination of, 243. 
 
 note on, 244. 
 Warrior, Shakspeare's lines on, 244. 
 Whist, ill play at, 247. 
 Welshmen, their love of Pedigrees, 179. 
 Whipping at Seminaries, 89. 
 
 Butler on, 90. 
 Wigs, the judges', Sec. 23, 
 
 Ladies', 10. 
 
INDEX. 295 
 
 Wigs, Flaxen, of old Men, 12. 
 William the Conqueror, 201. 
 
 King, and Lewis XIV. 175. 
 Wise Man, note on, 270. 
 Wood Cuts in old Books, 121. 
 Wolsey, Cardinal, 61. 
 Worlidge, anecdote of, 35. 
 Wycherley's Plain Dealer, 145. 
 
 Z. 
 
 Zeno, his opinions, 138. 
 
 THE END.