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Digitized by the Internet Arciiive 
 in 2010 witii funding from 
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 Iittp://www.arcliive.org/details/liistoryadventure01smol 
 
THE 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 A-N D 
 
 ADVENTURES 
 
 O F A N 
 
 A T O M. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
THE 
 
 H I S T O R Y 
 
 w 
 
 AND 
 
 ADVENTURES 
 
 ©FAN 
 
 ATOM, 
 
 IN TWO VOLUMES. 
 VOL. L 
 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for Robinson and Roberts, N^ 25, 
 in Pater-ncfter Row. 
 
 M D CC XLIX. 
 
ADVERTISEMENT 
 
 FROM THE ^y^^ ^'^ I 
 
 PUBLISHER to the READER, 
 
 N thefe ticklifli times, it may 
 be necelTary to give fuch an 
 account of the following fheets, 
 as will exempt me from the 
 plague of profecution. 
 
 On the 7 th of March, in the 
 prefent year i 748, they were of- 
 fered to me for fale, by a tall 
 thin woman, about the age of 
 threefcore, drefled in a gown of 
 Bombazine, with a cloak and 
 bonnet of black filk, both a little 
 the worfe for the wear. — She cal- 
 led 
 
vi ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 kd herfelf Dorothy Hatchet, fpin- 
 fter, of the parifli of Old-ftreet, ad- 
 minillratrix of Mr. Nathaniel Pea- 
 cock, who died in the faid parifh 
 on the fifth day of laft April, and 
 lies buried in the church-yard of 
 Iflington, in the north-weft cor- 
 ner, where his grave is diftin- 
 guiflied by a monumental board 
 infcribed with the following 
 triftich : 
 
 ///V, hac^ hoc^ 
 
 Here lies the block 
 
 Of old Nathaniel Peacock. 
 
 In this particular, any perfon 
 whatever may fatisfy himfelf, 
 by taking an afternoon's walk to 
 Iflington, where, at the White 
 Houfe, he may recreate and re- 
 
 frefli 
 
ADVERTISEMENT, vii 
 
 frefli himfelf with excellent tea 
 and hot rolls for fo fmall a 
 charge as eight-pence. 
 
 As to the M S, before I would 
 treat for it, I read it over at- 
 tentively, and found it contained 
 jdivers curious particulars of a 
 foreign hiftory, without any al- 
 lufion to, or refemblance with, 
 the tranfad:ions of thefe times. 
 I likewife turned over to Kemp- 
 fer and the Univerfal Hiftory, and 
 found in their feveral accounts 
 of Japan, many of the names 
 and much of the matter fpecified 
 in the following flieets. Finally, 
 that I might run no rifque of mif- 
 conftruftion, I had recourfe to an 
 eminent chamber-council of my 
 acquaintance, who diligently pe- 
 
 rufed 
 
viii ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 rufed the whole, and declared it 
 was no more aftionable than the 
 Vifion of Ezekiel, or the Lamen- 
 tations of Jeremiah the prophet. 
 Thus affured, I purchafed the 
 copy, which I now prefent in 
 print, with my befl refpefts, to 
 the Courteous Reader, being hi$ 
 very humble fervant, 
 
 Bucklerfbury. S. Et HE RING TON. 
 
 Vivant Rex & Regina. 
 
THE 
 
 Hiftory and Adventures 
 
 O F A N 
 
 ATOM. 
 
 The Editor's Declaration. 
 
 I Nathaniel Peacock, of the parifh 
 of St. Giles, haberdallier and 
 author, folemnly declare, That on 
 the third of lafl Auguft, fitting alone 
 in my ftudy, up three pair of ftairs, 
 between the hours of eleven and 
 twelve at night, meditating upon the 
 uncertainty of fublunary enjoyment, 
 I heard afhrill, fmall voice, feeminp-- 
 ly proceeding from a chink or crevice 
 in my own pericranium, call diftindt^ 
 ly three times, '' Nathaniel Peacock, 
 Nathaniel Peacock, Nathaniel Pea- 
 VoL. I. B cock. 
 
2 T'he Hijlory and 
 
 cock." Aflonifhed, yea, even affright- 
 ed, at this citation, I rephed in a 
 faultering tone, ^* In the name of the 
 Lord, what art thou?" Thus adjured, 
 the voice anfwered and faid, ^^ I am 
 an atom." I was now thrown into a 
 violent perturbation of fpirit^ for I 
 never could behold an atomy without 
 fear and trembling, even when I knew 
 it was no more than acompofition of 
 dry bones ; but the conceit of being 
 in prefence of an atomy informed 
 with fpirit, that is, animated by a 
 ghofi: or goblin, increafed my terrors 
 exceedingly. I durft not lift up mine 
 eyes, left I fhould behold an appari- 
 tion more dreadful than the hand- 
 writing on the wall. My knees 
 knocked together : my teeth chatter- 
 ed : mine hair briftled up fo as to 
 raife a cotton night-cap from the 
 fcalp : my tongue cleaved to the roof 
 of my m^outh : my temples were be- 
 dewed with a cold fweat. — Verily, I 
 was for a feafon entranced. 
 
 At 
 
Adventures of an Atom, j 
 
 At length, by the bleffing of God, 
 I recolledied myfelf, and cried aloud, 
 '^ Avaunt Satan, in the name of the 
 Father, Son, and Holy Ghoft." 
 ** White-livered caitiff ! faid the 
 voice, (w^ith a peculiar tartnefs of 
 pronunciation) v^hat art thou afraid of, 
 that thou fliouldeft thus tremble, and 
 diifufe around thee fuch an unfavoury 
 odour?— What thou heareftis v^ithin 
 thee — is part of thyfelf. I am one 
 of thofe atoms, or conftituent particles 
 of matter, which can neither be an- 
 nihilated, divided, nor impaired : the 
 different arrangements of us atoms 
 compofe all the variety of objedls and 
 eifences which nature exhibits, or art 
 can obtain. Of the lame iliape, fub- 
 fl-ance, and quality, are the compo- 
 nent particles, that harden in rock, 
 and flow in water ; that blacken in 
 the negro, and brighten in the dia- 
 mond ; that exhale from a rofe, and 
 fteam from a dunghill. Even now, 
 ten millions of atoms were difperfed 
 
 B 2 ia 
 
4 T^he Hijlory and 
 
 in air by that odoriferous gale, which 
 the commotion of thy fear produced ; 
 and I can forefee that one of them 
 will be confolidated in a fibre of the 
 olfadlory nerve, belonging to a cele- 
 brated beauty, whofe noftril is exco-- 
 riated by the immoderate ufe of plain 
 Spanifli. Know, Nathaniel, that we 
 atoms are lingly endued with fuch 
 efficacy of reafon, as cannot be ex- 
 pelled in an aggregate body, where we 
 croud and fqueeze and embarrafs one 
 another. Yet, thofe ideas which we 
 lingly polTefs,we cannot communicate, 
 except once in a thoufand years, and 
 then only,whenwe fill a certain place in 
 the pineal gland of a human creature, 
 the very ftation which I now main- 
 tain in thine. — For the benefit of you 
 miferable mortals, I am determined 
 to promulge the hiftory of one pe- 
 riod, during which I underwent fome 
 ft range revolutions in the empire of 
 Japan, and was confcious of fome 
 political anecdotes now to be divulg- 
 5 ^d 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 5 
 
 ed for the inftrudlion of Britifh mi- 
 nifters. Take up the pen, therefore, 
 and write what I fhall unfold. 
 
 By this time my firft apprehenfion 
 vaniflied; but another fear, al moil as 
 terrible, ufurped its place. I began 
 to think myfelf infane, and concluded 
 that the voice was no other than the 
 fantaftic undulation of a difturbed 
 brain. I therefore preferred an ear- 
 neft orifon at the throne of grace, that 
 I might be reftored to the fruition of 
 my right underftanding and judg- 
 ment. '' O incredulous wretch, (ex- 
 claimed the voice,) I wull now con- 
 vince thee that this is no phantafma 
 or hideous dream. — Anfwerme, doft 
 thou know the meaning and deriva- 
 tion of the word atom ?" I replied, 
 '' No, verily!" " Then I will tell thee! 
 (faid the voice) thou fhalt write it 
 down without delay, and confult the 
 curate of the parifh on the fame fub- 
 jed:. If his explanation and mine 
 agree, thou will then be firmly per- 
 B 3 fuaded 
 
6 The Hijiory and 
 
 lliadcd that I am an adlual, indepen- 
 dent exigence , and that this addrefs 
 is not the va^fue dehrium of a difor- 
 dered brain. Atomos is a Greek word, 
 iignifying an indivifible particle, de- 
 rived from alpha privativa, and tenino 
 to cut," 
 
 I mar\;elled much at this injunc- 
 tion, which, however, I literally obey- 
 ed ; and next morning faliied forth to 
 vifit the habitation of the curate j but 
 in going thither, it Avas my hap to 
 encounter a learned phyfician of my 
 acquaintance, who hath read all the 
 books that ever were publiilied in any 
 nation, or language : to him I refer- 
 ed for the derivation of the word 
 atom. He paufed a little, threw up 
 his eyes to heaven, ftroaked his chin 
 with great folemnity, and hemming 
 three times, " Greek, Sir, (faid he) 
 is more familiar to me than my na- 
 tive tongue. — I have converfed, ^Iv^ 
 with Homer and Plato, Hefiod and 
 Theophraftus, Herodotus, Thucydi*- 
 
 des. 
 
Adventures of an Atom. j 
 
 des, Hippocrates, Aretseus, Pindar, 
 and Sophocles, and all the poets and 
 hiftorians of antiquity. Sir, my libra- 
 ry coil me two thoufand pounds. I 
 have fpent as much more in making 
 experiments ; and you mufl: know 
 that I have difcovered certain chemi- 
 cal fpecifics, which I would not di- 
 vulge for fifty times the fum.— As 
 for the word atomos, or atime, it 
 fignifies a fcoundrel. Sir, or as it were, 
 Sio a thing of no eftimation. It is 
 derived, Sir,' from alpha privativa, 
 and time, honour. Hence, we call a 
 fl^eleton an atomy, becaufe, Sir, the 
 bones are, as it were, diflionoured by 
 being ftripped of their cloathing, and 
 expofed in their nakednefs." 
 
 I was forely vexed at this inter- 
 pretation, and my apprehenfion of 
 lunacy recurred : neverthelefs, I pro-- 
 ceeded in my way to the lodgings of 
 the curate, and defired his explana- 
 tion, which tallied exadly with v/hat 
 I had written. At my return to my 
 B 4 own 
 
8 T^he Hifiory and 
 
 own houfe, I afcended to my fludy, 
 aflced pardon of my internal monitor 5 
 and taking pen, ink, and paper, fat 
 down to write what it dictated, in the 
 following ftrain. 
 
 ** It was in the sera of * Foggien, 
 one thoufand years ago, that fate de- 
 termined I fliould exift in the empire 
 of Japan, where I underwent a great 
 number of vicifiitudes, till, at length, 
 I was enclofed in a grain of rice, eaten 
 by a Dutch mariner at Firando, and, 
 becoming a particle of his body> 
 brought to the Cape of Good Flope. 
 There I was difchar2:ed in a fcorbutic 
 dyfentery, taken up in a heap of foil 
 to manure a garden, raifed to vege- 
 tation in a fallad, devoured by an 
 Engliih fupercargo, affimilated to a 
 certain organ of his body, which, at 
 his return to London, being difeafed 
 in confequence of impure contadl, I 
 
 * The hlftory of Japan is divided into three 
 <]IiTerent ssras, of which Foggien is the moft 
 
 confiderable. 
 
 was 
 
Adventures of an Atom. g 
 
 was again feparated, with a confider- 
 able portion of putrefied fieili, thrown 
 upon a dunghill, gobbled up, and di- 
 gefted by a duck, of which duck your 
 father, Ephraim Peacock, having 
 eaten plentifully at a feaft of the 
 cordwainers, I was mixed with his 
 circulating juices, and finally fixed in 
 the principal part of that animalcule, 
 which, in procefs of time, expanded 
 itfelf into thee, Nathaniel Peacock, 
 
 Having thus particularized my 
 tranfmigrations fmce my conveyance 
 from Japan, I fhall return thither, 
 and unfold fome curious particulars of 
 ilate-intrigue, carried on during the 
 fhort period, the hiflory of which I 
 mean to record : I need not tell thee, 
 that the empire of Japan ccnfifts of 
 three large iflands ; or that the peo- 
 ple, who inhabit them, are fuch in- 
 confiflent, capricious animals, that one 
 would imagine they were created for 
 the purpofe of ridicule. Their minds 
 are in continual agitation, like a (hut- 
 B 5 ^ tlecock 
 
lo 'The Hijlory and 
 
 tlecock toiled to and fro, in order to 
 divert the demons of philofophy and 
 folly. A Japonefe, without the in- 
 tervention of any vilible motive, is, 
 by turns, merry and penfive, fuper- 
 iicial and profound, generous and il- 
 liberal, rafli and circumfped:, cour- 
 ageous and fearful, benevolent and 
 cruel. They feem to have no fixed 
 principle of ad:ion, no certain plan 
 of condudt, no effedlual rudder to 
 ireer thein through the voyage of life; 
 but to be hurried dov^n the rapid tide 
 of each revolving whim, or driven, the 
 fport of every guft of paflion that 
 happens to blow. A Japonefe will 
 iin^i at a funeral, and fish at a wed- 
 ding ; he will this hour talk ribaldry 
 with a proftitute, and the next im- 
 luerfe himfelf in the ftudy of meta- 
 phyfics or theology. In favour of one 
 ilraneer, he will exert all the virtues 
 of hofpitality ; againft another he will 
 exercife all the animofity of the moft 
 fordid prejudice : one minute fees him 
 
 hazarding 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 1 1 
 
 hazarding his all on the fuccefs of the 
 moil extravagant projed; \ another 
 beholds him hefitatin2: in lending a 
 few copans ^ to his friend on unde- 
 niable fecurity. To-day, he is afraid 
 of paring his corns ; to-morrow, he 
 fcruples not to cut his own throat. At 
 one feafon, he will give half his for- 
 tune to the poor ; at another, he will 
 not beftow the fmalleft pittance to 
 fave his brother from indigence and 
 diftrefs. He is elated to infolence by 
 the leaft gleam of fuccefs -, he is de- 
 jecfled to defpondence by the ilighteit 
 turn of adverfe fortune. One hour 
 he doubts the beft eftabliflied truths ; 
 the next, he fwallowsthe moft impro- 
 bable fidiion. His praife and his 
 cenfure is what a wife man would 
 choofe to avoid, as evils equally per- 
 nicious : the firft is generally railed 
 without foundation, and carried to 
 fuch extravagance, as to expcfe the 
 
 * Copan is a gold coinufed in Japan, value 
 about 43 (hillings. 
 
 £ 6 . objed 
 
15 lihe Htfiory and 
 
 objedl to the ridicule of mankind^ the 
 laft is often unprovoked, yet ufually 
 inflamed to all the rage of the moft 
 malignant perfecution. He will extol 
 above Alexander the great, a petty 
 officer who robs a hen-rooft^ and 
 damn to infamy, a general for not 
 performing impoffibilities. The fame 
 man whom he yefterday flattered with 
 the moll fulfome adulation, he will 
 to-morrow revile with the moft bitter 
 abufe ; and, at the turning of a ftraw, 
 take into his bofom the very perfon 
 whom he has formerly defamed as 
 the moft perfidious rafcal. 
 
 The Japanefe value themfelves 
 much upon their conftitution, and 
 iire very clamorous about the words 
 liberty and property ; yet, in fa6t, the 
 only liberty they enjoy is to get drunk 
 whenever they pleafe, to revile the 
 government, and quarrel with one 
 another. With refped: to their pro- 
 perty, they are the tameft animals m 
 the world; and, if properly managed, 
 
 undergo. 
 
Adventures of an Atom. i j 
 
 undergo, without wincing, fuch impo- 
 fitions, as no other nation in the world 
 would bear. In this particular, they 
 may be compared to an afs, that will- 
 crouch under the moft unconfcion- 
 able burthen, provided you fcratch 
 his long ears, and allow him to bray 
 his belly-full. They are fo pradica- 
 ble, that they have fuftered their 
 pockets to be drained, their veins to 
 be emptied, and their credit to be 
 cracked, by the moft bungling ad- 
 miniftrations, to gratify the avarice, 
 pride, and ambition, of the moft for-' 
 did and contemptible fovereigns, that 
 ever fate upon the throne. 
 
 The methods ufed for accomplifh- 
 ing thefe purpofes are extremely fim- 
 ple. You have feen a dancing bear 
 ' incenfed to a dangerous degree of 
 rage, and all at once appeafed by firing 
 a piftol over his nofe. The Japonefe, 
 even in their moft ferocious moods, 
 when they denounce vengeance againft 
 the Cuboy, or minifter, and even 
 
 threaten 
 
14 ^he Hijiory and 
 
 threaten the throne itfelf ; are eafily 
 foftened into meeknefs and conde- 
 fcenfion. A fet of tall fellows, hired 
 for the purpofe, tickle them under the 
 nofes with long ftravv^s, into a gentle 
 convulfion, during which they fhut 
 their eyes, and fmile, and quietly fuf- 
 fer their pockets to be turned infide 
 out. Nay, what is ftill more remark- 
 able, the miniflry is in pofleiTion of a 
 pipe, or rather bullocks's horn, which 
 being founded to a particular pitch, 
 has fuch an effedl on the ears and 
 underftanding of the people, that they 
 allow their pockets to be picked with 
 their eyes open, and are bribed to be- 
 tray their ov/n interefts with their 
 own money, as eafily as if the treafure 
 h-id come from the remotefl: corner 
 of the globe. Notwithftanding thefe 
 capricious peculiarities, the Japonefe 
 are become a wealthy and powerful 
 people, partly from their infular fi- 
 tuation, and partly from a fpirit of 
 commercial adventure, fuilained by 
 
 all 
 
Adventures of an Atom* i ^ 
 
 all the obftinacy of perfeverance, and 
 concluded by repeated flaihes of good 
 fenfe, which almoft inceffantly gleam 
 through the chaos of their abfurdities. 
 Japan was originally governed by 
 monarchs who poffeffed an abfolute 
 power, and fuccccdcd by hereditary 
 right, under the title of Dairo. But 
 in the beginning of the period Fog- 
 gien, this emperor became a cypher, 
 and the whole ad minift ration devolv- 
 ed into the hands of the prime mi- 
 nifter, or Cuboy, who now exercifes 
 all the power and authority, leaving 
 the trappings of royalty to the inadive 
 Dairo, The prince, who held the 
 reins of government in the fhort pe- 
 riod v/hich I intend to record, v/as 
 not a lineal defcendant of the antient 
 Dairos, the immediate fucceffion 
 having failed, but fprung from a col- 
 lateral branch which was invited from 
 a foreign country in the perfon of 
 BupOy in honour of whom the Ja- 
 ponefe ereded Fakkubali *, or the 
 
 * Vid. Kempfer, Lib. i. 
 
 temple 
 
1 6 ^he Hijiory and 
 
 temple of the white horfe. So much 
 were all his fucceffors devoted to the 
 culture of this idol, which, by the 
 bye, was made of the vileil: materials, 
 that, in order to enrich his fhrine, 
 they impoveriflied the whole empire, 
 yet ftill with the connivance, and by 
 the influence of the Cuboy, who gra- 
 tified this fordid paflion or fuperili- 
 tlon of the Dairo, with a view to 
 prevent him from employing his at- 
 tention on matters of greater confe- 
 quence. 
 
 Nathaniel, You have heard of the 
 tranfmigration of fouls, a doftrine 
 avowed by one Pythagoras, a philo- 
 fopher of Crotona. This dodlrine, 
 though difcarded and reprobated by 
 chriflians, is neverthelefs found, and 
 orthodox, I affirm on the integrity of 
 an atom. Further I fhall not explain 
 myfelf on this fubjecSl, though I 
 might with fafety fet the convocation 
 and the whole hierarchy at defiance, 
 knowing, as I do, that it is not in their 
 
 power 
 
Adventures of an Atom. ij 
 
 power to make me bate one particle 
 of what I advance : or, if they fhould 
 endeavour to reach me through your 
 organs, and even condemn you to the 
 ftake at Smithiield, verily, I fay unto 
 thee, I fhould be a gainer by the next 
 remove. I fhould fhift my quarters 
 from a very cold and empty tenement^ 
 which I now occupy in the brain of a 
 poor haberdafher, to the nervous ple- 
 xus iituated at the mouth of the flo- 
 mach of a fat alderman fed with ve- 
 nifon and turtle. 
 
 But to return to Pythagoras, whom 
 one of your wife countrymen deno- 
 minated Peter Gore, the wife-acre of 
 Croton, you mufi know that philo- 
 fopher was a type, which hath not 
 yet been fully unveiled. That he 
 taught the metempfycholis, explained 
 the nature and property of harmonies, 
 demonftrated the motion of the earth, 
 difcovered the elements of geometry 
 and arithmetic, enjoined his difciples 
 filence, and abftained from eating 
 
 an]t 
 
1 8 Tthe Hijiory and 
 
 jiny thing that was ever informed by 
 the breath of life ; are circumftances 
 known to all the learned world : but his 
 veneration for beans, which coft him 
 his life, his golden thigh, his ad- 
 ventures in the charad:er of a cour- 
 tezan, his golden verfes, his epithet 
 of t^uTo^ £3*, the fable of his being 
 born of a virgin, and his defcent into 
 hell, are myfteries in which fome of 
 the moft important truths are con- 
 cealed. — Between friends, honefl Na- 
 thaniel, I myfelf conftituted part of 
 that fage*s body ; and I could fiy a 
 great deal— but there is a time for all 
 things.-- -'I fhall only obferve, that 
 Ph'Iip Tefllerhad fomer^^nfon forfup- 
 pofing Pythagoras to have been a 
 monk ; and there are flirewd hints in 
 Meyer's c iifertation, Vtruni Pytha- 
 go J' as yudaus jZiity an inonachiis Car- 
 melita. 
 
 Waving thefe intricate difcuffions 
 for the prefent, (though I cannot help 
 difciofing that Pythagoras was adlually 
 
 cir» 
 
Adventures of an Ato??2. 1 9 
 
 circumcifed) know. Peacock, that the 
 metempfycholis, or tranfmigration of 
 Ibuls, is the method which nature and 
 fate conftantly purfue, in animating 
 the creatures produced on the face of 
 the earth -, and this procefs, with fome 
 variation, is fuch as the eleufinian 
 myfteries imported, and fuch as you 
 ]iave read in Dryden's tranflation of 
 the fixth book of Virgil's iEneid. The 
 Gods have provided a great magazine 
 or diverforium, to Vv^hich the departed 
 fouls of all animals repair at their dif- 
 miffion from the body. Here they 
 are bathed in the waters of obli- 
 vion, until they retain no memory of 
 the fcenes through which they have 
 palled ; but they ftill preferve their 
 original crafis and capacity. From 
 this repclitory, all new created be- 
 ings are fupplied with fouls ; and 
 thefe/ouls tranfmigrate into different 
 animals, according to the pleafure of 
 the great difpofer. For example, my 
 good friend Nathaniel Peacock, your 
 
20 T'he Htjiory and 
 
 own foul has within thefe hundred 
 years threaded a goat, a fpider, and a 
 bifliop 'y and its next ftage will be 
 the carcafe of a brewer's horfe. 
 
 In what manner we atoms come 
 by thefe articles of intelligence, whe- 
 ther by intuition, or communication 
 of ideas, it is not neceflary that you 
 fhould conceive — Suffice it to fay, 
 the gods were merry on the follies of 
 mankind, and Mercury undertook to 
 exhibit a mighty nation, ruled and 
 governed by the meanefl: intellecfts that 
 could be found in the repofitory of 
 pre-exifting fpirits. He laid the fcene 
 in Japan, about the middle of the 
 period Foggien,when that nation was 
 at peace with all her neighbours. Into 
 the mafs, deftined to fway the fceptre, 
 he infufed, at the very article' of con- 
 ception, the fpirit, which in courfe of 
 ftrangulation had been expelled a pof- 
 teriori from a goofe, killed on purpofe 
 to regale the appetite of the mother. 
 The animalcule, thus infpired, was 
 
 born. 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 21 
 
 born, and fucceeded to the throne, 
 under the name of Got-hama-baba. 
 His whole life and converfation was 
 no other than a repetition of the hu- 
 mours he haddifplayed in hislaft cha* 
 radter. He was rapacious, {hallow, hot- 
 headed, and perverfe ; in point of un« 
 derftanding, juflfufEcient to appear in 
 public without a Havering bib ^ im- 
 bued with no knowledge, illumed by 
 no fentiment, and warmed with no 
 affedtion 1 except a blind attachment 
 to the worfhip of Fakku-bafi, which 
 feemed indeed to be a difeafe in his 
 conftitution. His heart was meanly 
 felfifh, and his difpofition altogether 
 unprincely. 
 
 Of all his recreations, that which 
 he delighted in moft, was kicking the 
 breech of his Cuboy, or prime minifter, 
 an exercife which he every day per- 
 formed in private. It was therefore 
 necelTary that a Cuboy ihould be found 
 to undergo this diurnal operation with- 
 out repining. This was a circum- 
 
 fiance 
 
22 'T'he Hijiory and 
 
 ftance forefeen and provided for by 
 Mercury, who, a little after the con- 
 ception of Got-hama-baba, impreg- 
 nated the ovum of a future Cuboy, 
 and implanted in it a changling foul, 
 which had fucceffively pafied through 
 the bodies of an afs, a dottril, an 
 apple-woman, and a cow-boy. It 
 was diverting enough to fee the re- 
 joicings with which the birth of this 
 Quanbuku * was celebrated ; and ftill 
 more fo to obferve the marks of fond 
 admiration in the parents, as the 
 foul of the cow-boy proceeded to ex- 
 pand itfelf in the young Cuboy. This 
 is a fpecies of diverfion we atoms of- 
 ten enjoy. We at different times be- 
 hold the fame fpirit, hunted down in 
 a hare, and cried up in an Hecflor ; 
 fawning in a proftitute, and bribing 
 in a minifter ; breaking forth in a 
 whiftle at the plough, and in a fermon 
 from the pulpit ; impelling a hog to 
 
 * Quanbuku is a dignity of the firft orc^er 
 in Japan. 
 
 the 
 
Advejitures of an Atom. 23 
 
 the flye, and a counfellor to the ca- 
 binet ; prompting a fhoe-boy to filch, 
 and a patriot to harangue ; fquinting 
 in a goat, and fmiUng in a matron. 
 
 Tutors of all forts were provided 
 betimes for the young Quanbuku, 
 but his genius reje<fted all cultivation; 
 at leaft the crops it produced were 
 barren and ungrateful. He was diflin- 
 guifhed by the name of Fika-kaka, 
 and careffed as the heir of an im- 
 menfe fortune. Nay, he was really 
 confidered as one of the moil hopeful 
 young Quanbukus in the empire of 
 Japan ; for his want of ideas was at- 
 tended with a total abfence of pride, 
 infolence, or any other difagreeable 
 vice: indeed his charadlerwas found- 
 ed upon negatives. He had no un- 
 derflanding, no oeconomy, no cour- 
 age, no induftry, no fteadinefs, no 
 difcernment, no vigour, no retention. 
 He was reputed generous and good- 
 humoured ; but was really profufe, 
 chicken-hearted, negligent, fickle, 
 
 blun- 
 
Z4- ^^^ Hijory and 
 
 blundering, weak, and leaky. All 
 thefe qualifications were agitated by 
 an eagernefs, hafte, and impatience, 
 that compleated the moft ludicrous 
 compofition, which human nature 
 ever produced. He appeared always 
 in hurry and confufion, as if he had 
 loft his wits in the morning, and was 
 in queft of them all day. — Let me 
 whifpera fecrettoyou, my good friend 
 Peacock. All this buftle and trepi- 
 dation proceeded from a hoUownefs 
 in the brain, forming a kind of eddy, 
 in which his animal fpirits were hur- 
 ried about in a perpetual fwirl. Had 
 it not been for this Lufus Natura^ 
 the circulation would not have been 
 fufficient for the purpofes of animal 
 life. Had the whole world been 
 fearched by the princes thereof, it 
 would not have produced another to 
 have matched this half-witted origi- 
 nal, to whom the adminiftration of a 
 mighty empire was wholly configned. 
 Notwithftanding all the care that was 
 
 taken 
 
Adventures of an Atom* 25 
 
 taken of his education, Fika-kaka 
 never could comprehend any art or 
 fcience, except that of dancing bare- 
 headed among the Bonzas at the great 
 feilival of Cambadoxi. The extent 
 of his knowledge in arithmetic went 
 no farther than the numeration of 
 his ten fingers. In hiftory, he had no 
 idea of what preceded a certain treaty 
 with the Chinefe, in the reign of 
 queen Syko, who died within his own 
 remembrance; and was fo ignorant 
 of geography, that he did not know 
 that his native country was furround- 
 ed by the fea. No fyftem of mora- 
 lity could he ever underftand ; and 
 of the fourteen fed:s of religion that 
 are permitted in Japan, the only dif- 
 cipline he could imbibe was a fuper- 
 ilitious devotion for Fakku-bafi, the 
 temple of the white horfe. This, 
 indeed, was neither the fruit of doc- 
 trine, nor the refalt of reafon ; but a 
 real inftind;, implanted in his nature 
 Vol. I. C for 
 
26 T^he Hljlory and 
 
 for fulfilling the ends of providence. 
 His perfon was extremely auk ward ; 
 his eye vacant, though alarmed \ his 
 fpeech thick, and embarrafledj his 
 utterance ungraceful ; and his mean- 
 ing perplexed. With much difficul- 
 ty he learned to write his own name, 
 and that of the Dairo^ and picked up 
 a fmattering of the Chinefe language, 
 w^hich was fometimes ufed at court. 
 In his youth, he freely converfed with 
 women ; but, as he advanced in age, 
 he placed his chief felicity in the de- 
 lights of the table. He hired cooks 
 from China at an enormous expence, 
 and drank huge quantities of the ftrong 
 liquor difhilled from rice, v/hich, by 
 producing repeated intoxication, had 
 an unlucky effe(5t upon his brain, that 
 was naturally of a loofe flimfy tex- 
 ture. The immoderate ufe of this 
 potation was like wife fa id to have 
 greatly impaired his retentive faculty; 
 iiiafmuch as he was fubjcd: upon every 
 
 tx- 
 
Adventures of an Ato^n, 27 
 
 extraordinary emotion of fpirit, to an 
 involuntary difcharge from the lafl 
 of the inteftines. 
 
 Such was the characSrer of Fika- 
 kaka, entitled by his birth to a pro- 
 digious eftate, as well as to the ho- 
 nours of Quanbuku, the firft heredi- 
 tary dignity in the empire. In con- 
 fequence of his high ftation, he waa 
 connected with all the great men in 
 Japan, and ufed to the court from his 
 infancy. Here it was he became ac^ 
 quainted with young Got-hama-baba, 
 his future fovereign ; and their fouls 
 being congenial, they foon contradied 
 an intimacy, which endured for life. 
 They were like twin particles of mat- 
 ter, v/hich having been divorced from 
 one another by a mofh violent fliock, 
 had floated many thoufand years m 
 the ocean of the univerfe, till at length 
 meeting by accident, and approaching 
 within the fpheresof each other's at- 
 tradion, they ru(h together with an 
 C 2 eager 
 
28 The Hi/iory and 
 
 eager embrace, and continue united 
 ever after. 
 
 The favour of the fovereign, added 
 to the natural influence arifing from a 
 vail fortune and great alhances, did 
 not fail to elevate Fika-kaka to the 
 nioft eminent offices of the ftate, un- 
 til, at length, he attained to the dig- 
 nity of Cuboy, or chief-minifler, 
 which virtually comprehends all the 
 reft. Here then was the ftrangefl 
 phaenomenon that ever appeared in 
 the political world. A fcatefman 
 without capacity, or the fmalleft 
 tindlure of human learning ; a fecre- 
 tary who could not write; a financier 
 who did not underftand the multipli- 
 cation table ', and the treafurer of a 
 vail empire, who never could balance 
 accounts v/ith his own butler. 
 
 He was no fooner, for the diveriion 
 of the Gods, promoted to the Cuboy- 
 lliip, than his vanity v/as pampered 
 with all Icrts of adulation. He v/as 
 
 in 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 29 
 
 in magnificence extolled above the fi» ft 
 Meckaddo, or line of emperors, to 
 whom divine honours had been paid -, 
 equal inwifdom toTeniio-dai-fin, the 
 firft founder of the Japanefe monar- 
 chy; braver than Whey-vang, of the 
 dynafty of Chew ; more learned than 
 Jacko, the chief pontiff of Japan ; 
 more liberal than Shi-wang-ti, who 
 was pofieffed of the univerfil medi- 
 cine ; and more religious than BiipOy 
 alias Koboty v^^ho, from a foreign coun- 
 try, brought with him, on a Vvdiite 
 horfe, a book called Kio^ containiiio- 
 the myileries of his religion. 
 
 But, by nono, was he more cultivated 
 than by the Bonzas or clergy, efpeci- 
 ally thofe of the univeriity Frenoxe- 
 na ^", (o renowned for their learning, 
 fermons, and oratory, who ad:ually 
 chofe him their fupreme director, and 
 every morning adored him with a very 
 fmgular rite of worfhip. This attach- 
 ment v/as the more remarkable, ■ as 
 
 * Vid. Hifl. Ecclef. Japan. Vol. I. 
 
 C 3 Fika-^ 
 
30 "^ke Hijiory and 
 
 Fika-kaha was known to favour die 
 fedlof Nem-buds-ju, who diftinguifli- 
 ed themfelves by the ceremony of cir- 
 ciimcifion. Some malicious people 
 did not fcruple to whifper about, that 
 he himfelf had privately undergone 
 the operation : but thefe, to my cer- 
 tain knowledge, were the fuggeftions 
 of falfhood and flander. A flight 
 fcarification, indeed, it was once ne- 
 cefTaiy to make, on account of his 
 health ; but this was no ceremony of 
 any religious worfhip. The truth was 
 this. I'lie Nem-buds-ju, being few 
 in number, and generally hated by 
 the whole nation, had recourfe to the 
 protedlion of Fika-kaka, which they 
 obtained for a valuable confideration. 
 Then a law was promulgated in their 
 favour ; a ftep which was fo far from 
 exciting the jealoufy of theBonzas, that 
 there was not above three, out of one 
 hundred and fifty-nine thoufand, that 
 opened their lips in difapprobation of 
 the meafure. Such wxre the virtue 
 
 and 
 
Adventures of a?i Ato??i. 3 i 
 
 and moderation of the Bonzas, and 
 fo loth were they to difobhge their 
 great director Fika-kaka. 
 
 What rendered the knot of con- 
 nexion between the Dairo Got-ha- 
 ma-baba, and this Cuboy altogether 
 indiflbluble, was a fingular circum- 
 jftance, which I fliall now explain. 
 Fika-kika not only devoted himfelf 
 intirely to the gratification of his 
 mailer's prejudices and rapacity, even 
 when they interfered the moft with 
 the intereft and reputation of Japan ; 
 but he alfo fubmitted perfonally to 
 his capricious humours with the 
 moil placid reiignation. He pre- 
 fented his pofteriors to be kicked as 
 regularly as the day revolved ; and 
 prefented them not barely with Yub- 
 miffion, but with all the appearance 
 of fond defire : and truly this diur- 
 nal expofure was attended with fuch 
 delediation as he never enjoyed in 
 any other attitude. 
 
 T^ 
 
32 ^he Hijhry and 
 
 To explain this matter, I mufl tell 
 jt ' 
 
 thee, Peacock, that Fika-kaka was 
 from his infancy afiFIidled with an 
 itching of the podex, which the learn- 
 ed Dr. Woodward would have term- 
 ed immanis cui-oi^iv pruritus. That great 
 naturaiiil: would have imputed it to a 
 redundancy of cholicky falts, got out 
 of the ftomach and guts into the 
 blood, and thrown upon thefe parts, 
 and he would have attempted to break 
 their colludlations with oil, &c. but I, 
 Vv'ho knovv^ the real caufes of this dif- 
 order, fmile at thefe whim.s of phi- 
 lofophy. 
 
 Be that as it may, certain it is, all 
 the moil: eminent phyiicians in Japan 
 were ccnfulted about this flrange 
 tickling and tingling, and among 
 thefe the celebrated Fan-fey, whofe 
 fpirit afterwards informed the body 
 of Rabelais. This experienced leech, 
 having prefcribed a courfe of cathar- 
 tics, balfamics, and fweeteners, on 
 the fuppofition that the blood v/as 
 
 tainted 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 33 
 
 tainted with a fcorbutlcal itch ; at 
 length found reafon to believe that 
 the difeafe was local. He therefore 
 tried the method of gentle fridion : 
 for which purpofe he ufed almoft t]ie 
 very fame fubftances which y/ere many 
 centuries after applied by Gargantua 
 to his own pofteriors ^ fuch as a night 
 cap, a pillow-bier, a flipper, a poke, 
 a pannier, a beaver, a hen, a cock, a 
 chicken, a calf-/kin, a hare-fkin, a pi- 
 geon, a cormorant, a lawyer's bag, a 
 lamprey, a coif, a lure, nay even a 
 goofe's neck, without finding that 
 vblupte inerifique au trou de cul, which 
 was the portion of the fon of Gran- 
 goufier. In fliort, there was nothing 
 that gave Fika-kaka fuch refpite 
 from this tormenting titillation'' as 
 did fmearing the parts with thick 
 cream, which v/as afterv/ards licked 
 up by the rough tongue of a bear- 
 cat. But the adminiftration of this 
 remedy was once productive of a dif^ 
 agreeable incident. In the mean 
 C 5 timcj, 
 
24 ^^^ Hijiory and 
 
 time, the diftemper gaining ground 
 became fo troublefome, that the un- 
 fortunate Quanbuku v/as inceflantly 
 in the fidgets, and ran about diflraft- 
 cd, cackling Uke a hen in labour. 
 
 The fource of all this misfortune 
 was the juxta pofition of two atoms 
 quarrelling for precedency, in this the 
 Cuboy's feat of honour. Their prefling 
 andfqueezing and elbowing and jofl- 
 ling, tho' of no eifec^: in difcompoling 
 one another, occafioned all this irrita- 
 tion and titillation in the pofteriors of 
 Fika-kaka— What ! doft thou mutter. 
 Peacock ? doft thou prefume to quef- 
 tion my veracity ? now by the indivi- 
 iible rotundity of an atom, I have a 
 good mind, caitiiF, to raife fuch a 
 buzzing commotion in thy glandula 
 pinealis, that thou fhalt run diftrafted 
 over the face of the earth, like lo 
 when flie was ftung by Juno's gad- 
 fly ! What ! thou who haft been 
 v/rapt from the cradle in viljons of 
 myftery and revelation, fwallowed 
 
 impof- 
 
- Adventures of an Atom. \ r 
 
 impoffibilities like lamb's wool, and 
 digefted dodrines harder than iron 
 three times quenched in the Ebro! 
 thou to demur at what I aflert upon 
 the evidence and faith of my own 
 confcioufnefs and confiftency ! — Oh ! 
 you capitulate : well, then beware of 
 a relapfe — you know a relapfed here- 
 tic finds no mercy. 
 
 I fay, while Fika-kaka's podex 
 was the fcene of contention between 
 two turbulent atoms, I had the ho- 
 nour to be ported immediately under 
 the nail of the Dairo's great toe, 
 v/hich happened one day to itch 
 more than ufual for occupation. The 
 Cuboy prefenting himfelf at that in- 
 ftant, and turning his face from his 
 mafter, Got-hama-baba performed 
 the exercife with fuch uncommxii 
 vehemence, that firft his flippej, and 
 then his toe-nail flew off, after hav- 
 ing made a fmall breach in the peri- 
 neum of Fika-kaka. By the lame 
 effort, I was divorced from the great 
 
 C 6 toe 
 
36 • TZv Hijhry and 
 
 toe of the fovereign, and lodged near 
 the great gut of his minifler, exactly 
 in the interllice between the two hof- 
 tile particles, which were thus in 
 fome meafure reftrained from wran- 
 gling ; though it was not in my power 
 to keep the peace entirely. Never- 
 thelefs, Fika-kaka's torture v/as im- 
 mediately fufpended ; and he was 
 even feized with an orgafm of plea- 
 fure, analogous to that which cha- 
 ra6terifes the extacy of love. 
 
 Think not, however. Peacock, 
 that I would adduce this circum- 
 flance as a proof that pleafure and 
 pain are meer relations, which can 
 exifl: only as they are contrafted. 
 No : pleafure and pain are fimple, 
 independent ideas, incapable of defi- 
 nition ; and this which Fika-kaka 
 felt was an extacy compounded of 
 pofitive pleafure ingrafted upon the 
 removal of pain : but whether this 
 pofitive pleafure depended upon a 
 particular center of percuffion hit 
 
 upon 
 
Adventures of a?i Atom, ^7 
 
 upon by accident, or was the infepa- 
 rable efFed: of a kicking and fcratch- 
 ing conferred by a royal foot and toe^ 
 I fhall not at prefent unfold : neither 
 will I demonftrate the ?nodiis operandi 
 on the nervous pap ill ce of Fika-kaka's 
 breech, whether by irritation, re- 
 laxation, undulation, or vibration. 
 Were thefe effential difcoveries com- 
 municated, human philofophy would 
 become too arrogant. It was but the 
 other day that Newton made iliift to 
 dive into fome fubaltern laws of mat- 
 ter ', to explain the revolution of the 
 planets, and analyfe the compoiition 
 of light; and ever iince, that reptile 
 man has believed itfelf a demi-god — ■ 
 I hope to fee the day when the petu-^ 
 lant philofopher ihall be driven back 
 to his Categories and the Organum 
 Univerfale of Ariftotle, his Q^aa^y his 
 vah, and nis vTroMiuiyoif. 
 
 But waving thefe digreffions, the 
 pleafure which the Cuboy felt from 
 the application of the Dairo's toe-nail 
 
 was 
 
38 ' T^he Hijiory and 
 
 was fucceeded by a kind of tenfion 
 or ftifFnefs, which began to grow 
 troublefome juft as he reached his 
 own palace, where the Bonzas were 
 affembled to offer up their diurnal 
 incenfe. Inftinft, on this occalion, 
 performed what could hardly have 
 been expefted from the moft extraor- 
 dinary talents. At light of a griz- 
 zled heard belonging to one of thofe 
 venerable doctors, he was ftruck with 
 the idea of a powerful aiTuager ; and 
 taking him into his cabinet, propofed 
 that he fhould make oral application 
 to the part affeded. The propofal 
 v/as embraced without hefitation, and 
 the effefl: even tranfcended the hope of 
 the Cuboy. The ofculation itfelf 
 was foft, warm, emollient, and com- 
 fortable ; but when the nervous pa- 
 pillae were gently ftroaked, and as 
 it were fondled by the long, elaftic, 
 periftaltic, abflerlive fibres that com- 
 pofed this reverend verriculum, fuch 
 a deleftable titillation enfued, that 
 Fika-ka was quite in raptures. 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 39 
 
 That which he intended at firft 
 for a medicine he now converted into 
 an article of luxury. All the Bon- 
 zas who enrolled themfelves in the 
 number of his dependants, whether 
 old or young, black or fair, rough 
 or fmooth, were enjoined every day 
 to perform this additional and pofle- 
 rior rite of woriliip, fo productive of 
 delight to the Cuboy, that he was 
 every morning impatient to receive 
 the Dairo's calcitration, or rather his 
 pedeftrian digitation -, after which he 
 flew with all the eagernefs of defire 
 to the fubfequent part of his enter- 
 tainment. 
 
 The tranfports thus produced feem- 
 ed to difarrange his whole nervous 
 fyftem, and produce an odd kind of 
 jrevolution in his fancy ; for tho' he 
 was naturally grave, and indeed over- 
 wheUned with conftitutional hebe- 
 tude, he became,in confequence of this 
 periodical tickling, the moil: giddy, 
 pert buffoon in nature. All was grin- 
 ning. 
 
40 T^he Hijlory and 
 
 ning, giggling, laughing, and prat- 
 ing, except when his fears intervened; 
 then he ftarted and flared, and curfed 
 and prayed by turns. There was^but 
 one barber in the whole empire that 
 would undertake to fhave him, fo 
 tickliih and unfteady he was under 
 the hands of the operator. He could 
 not fit above one minute in the fame 
 attitude, or on the fame feat ^ but 
 fhifted about from couch to chair, 
 from chair to ftool, from ftool to 
 clofe-ftool, with inceffant rotation, 
 and all the time gave audience to 
 thofe who folHcited his favour and 
 protection . To all and feveral he 
 promifed his befl offices, and con- 
 firmed thefe promifes with oaths and 
 proteftations. One he fhook by the 
 hand .; another he hugged ; a third 
 he kifled on both fides the face ; with 
 a fourth he whifpered ; a fifth he 
 honoured with a familiar horfe-laugh. 
 He never had courage to refufe even 
 that which he could not poflibly 
 
 grant ^ 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 41 
 
 grant ; and at laft his tongue adually 
 forgot how to pronounce the negative 
 particle : but as in the Englifli lan- 
 guage two negatives amount to an af- 
 firmative, five hundred affirmatives 
 in the mouth of Fika-kaka did not 
 altogether deftroy the efficacy of fim- 
 ple negation. A promife five hun- 
 dred times repeated, and at every 
 repetition confirmed by oath, barely 
 amounted to a computable chance 
 of performance. 
 
 It mufi: be allowed, however, he 
 promoted a great number of Bonzas, 
 
 and \n this promotion he manifeiled 
 
 i. 
 
 an uncommon taiie. They were pre- 
 ferred according to the colour of their 
 beards. He found, by experience, 
 that beards of different colours yielded 
 him different degrees of pleaiure in 
 the fridlion we have defcribed above ; 
 and the provifion he made for each 
 was in proportion to the fatisfadtion 
 the candidate could afford. The fen- 
 fation enfuing from the contacft of a 
 
 gi*ey 
 
42 T'he Hijlory and 
 
 grey beard was foft and delicate, and 
 agreeably demulcent, when the parts 
 were unufually inflamed , a red, yel- 
 low, or brindled beard, was in re- 
 queft when the bufinefs was to thrill 
 or tingle : but a black beard was of 
 all others the moft honoured by Fi- 
 ka-kaka, not only on account of its 
 fleecy feel, equally fpirited and bal- 
 famic, but alfo for another philofo- 
 phical reafon, v/hich I fhall now ex- 
 plain. You know. Peacock, that 
 black colour abforbs the rays of light* 
 and detains them as it were in a re- 
 pofitory. Thus a black beard, like 
 the back of a black cat, becomes a 
 phofphorus in the dark, and emits 
 fparkles upon friction. You muft 
 know, that one of the gravefl: dodtors 
 of the Bonzas, who had a private re- 
 queft to make, defired an audience 
 of Fika-kaka in his clofet at night, 
 and the taper falling down by acci- 
 dent, at that very infl:ant when his 
 beard was in contadlwith the Cuboy's 
 
 feat 
 
Adve?2tures of an Atom, 43 
 
 feat of honour, the electrical fnap was 
 heard, and the part illuminated, to 
 the aftoniihment of the fpedlators, 
 who looked upon it as a prelude to 
 the apotheoiis of Fika-kaka. Being 
 made acquainted with this pha^no- 
 I menon, the minifter was exceedingly 
 t^^-elevated in his own mind. He re- 
 joiced in it as a communication of 
 fome divine efficacy, and raifed the 
 happy Bonza to the rank of Pontifex 
 Maximus, or chief prieft, in the tem- 
 ple of Fakku-bafi. In the courfe 
 of experiments, he found that all 
 black beards were elecftrical in the 
 fame degree, and being ignorant of 
 philofophy, afcribed it to fome fuper- 
 natural virtue, in confequence of 
 which they were promoted as the 
 holieft of the Bonzas. But you and 
 I know, that fuch a phofphorus is 
 obtained from the moll: worthlefs 
 and corrupted materials, fuch as 
 rotten wood, putrefied veal, and ftink- 
 ing whiting. 
 
 Fika- 
 
44 ^'^^ Hijiory mid 
 
 Fika-kaka, fuch as I defcribed 
 him, could not pofTibly a6t in the 
 character of Cuboy, without the af- 
 iiflance of counfellors andfubalterns, 
 who underftood the detail of govern- 
 ment and the forms of bulinefs. He 
 was accordingly furrounded by a 
 number of fatellites, who refledled 
 his luftre In their feveral fpheres of 
 rotation -, and though their immer- 
 fions and emerfions were apparently 
 abrubt and irregular, formed a kind 
 of luminous belt as pale and comfort- 
 lefs as the ring of Saturn, the mofl: 
 diftant, cold, and baleful of all the 
 planets. 
 
 The m.ofi: remarkable of thefe fub- 
 ordinate?, was Sti-phi-rum-poo, a 
 man, w^ho, from a low plebeian ori- 
 gin, had raifed himfelf to one of the 
 firft ofiices of the empire, to the dig*- 
 nity oi^o, or nobleman, and a eon- 
 fiderable fhare of the Dairo's perfonal 
 regard. He owed his whole fuccefs 
 to his induftry, affiduity, and circum- 
 
 fpec- 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 45 
 
 fpeftion. During the former part of 
 his life, he ftudied the laws of Japan 
 with fuch feverity of appHcation, that 
 though unaffifled by the leaft gleam 
 of genius, and deftitute of the fmall- 
 eft pretenlion to talent, he made him- 
 felf mafter of all the written ordinan- 
 ces, all the eftablifhed cuftoms, and 
 forms of proceeding in the different 
 tribunals of the empire. In the pro- 
 grefs of his vocation, he became an 
 advocate of fome eminence, and even 
 acquired reputation for polemical elo- 
 quence, though his manner was ever 
 dry, laboured, and unpleafant — Be- 
 ing elevated to the ftation of a judge, 
 he fo far juftified the intereft by which 
 he had been promoted, that his ho- 
 nefliy was never called in queftion; 
 and his fentences were generally al- 
 lowed to bejuft and upright. Ke 
 heard caufes with the moft painful at- 
 tention, feemed to be indefatigable in 
 his refearches after truth; and though 
 he was forbidding in his afpedt, flow 
 
 in 
 
48' ^he Hijiory and 
 
 in deliberation, tedious in difcuffion, 
 and cold in his addrefs; yet I muft 
 own, he was alfo unbiaffed in his deci- 
 fions — I mean, unbiaffed by any con- 
 fcioufnefs of finiflier motive : for a man 
 may be biaffed by the nature of his 
 difpofition, as well as by prejudices 
 acquired, and yet not guilty of inten- 
 tional partiality. Sti-phi-rum-poo 
 was fcrupuloufly juft, according to his 
 own ideas of juftice, and confequent- 
 ly well qualified to decide in common 
 controverfies. But in delicate cafes, 
 which required an uncommon ihare of 
 penetration ; when the province of a 
 fupreme judge is to mitigate the feve- 
 rity, and fometimes even deviate from 
 the dead letter of the common law, in 
 favour of particular inftitutions, or of 
 humanity in general ; he had neither 
 genius to enlighten his underftanding, 
 fentiment to elevate his mind, nor 
 courage to furmount the petty inclo- 
 fures of ordinary pra6lice. He was ac- 
 cufed of avarice and cruelty; but, in 
 5 fadt, 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 47 
 
 fadl, thefe were not adive paffions in 
 his heart. The condufl: which feem- 
 ed to juftify thefe imputations, was 
 wholly owing to a total want of tafte 
 and generolity. The nature of his 
 port furniihed him with opportunities 
 to accumulate riches; and as the nar- 
 rownefsof his mind admitted no ideas 
 of elegance or refined pleafure, he 
 knew not how to ufe his wealth fo as 
 to avoid the charge of a fordid dif- 
 pofition. His temper was not rapa- 
 cious but retentive : he knew not the 
 ufe of wealth, and therefore did not 
 ufe it at all : but was in this particu- 
 lar neither better nor worfe than a 
 ftrong-box for the convenience and 
 advantage of his heir. The appear- 
 ance of cruelty remarkable in his 
 counfels, relating to fome v/retched 
 infurgents who had been taken in 
 open rebellion, and the rancorous 
 pleafure he feemed to feel in pro- 
 nouncing fentence of death by felf- 
 
 ex- 
 
48 T'he Hi/iory and 
 
 exenteration ^, was in facSl the grati- 
 fication of a daftardly heart, which 
 had never acknowledged the leaft 
 impulfe of any hberal fentiment. 
 This being the cafe, mankind ought 
 not to impute that to his guilt 
 which was, in efFe<5l, the confequence 
 of his infirmity. A man might, 
 with equal juftice, be punifhed for 
 being purblind. Sti-phi-rum-poo 
 was much more culpable for feeking 
 to fliine in a fphere for which nature 
 never intended him ; I mean for com- 
 mencing ftatefman, and intermed- 
 dling in the machine of government : 
 yet even into this character he was 
 forced, as it were, by the opinion 
 and inju nations of Fika-kaka,who em- 
 ployed him at firft in making fpeeches 
 for the Dairo, which that prince 
 ufed to pronounce in public, at cer- 
 
 * A gentleman capitally convicled in Japan 
 is allowed the privilege of anticipating the com- 
 mon executioner, by ripping out his own bowels. 
 
 tain 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 451 
 
 tain feafons of the year. Thefe 
 fpeeches being tolerably well received 
 by the populace, the Cuboy con- 
 ceived an extraordinary opinion of 
 his talents ; and thought him ex- 
 tremely v^ell qualified to eafe him of 
 great part of the burthen of govern- 
 ment. He found him very v^ell dif- 
 pofed to engage heartily in his inte- 
 refts. Then he w^as admitted to the 
 ofculation a pofteriori -, and though 
 his beard w^as not black, but rather 
 of a fubfufcan hue, he managed it 
 with fuch dexterity, that Fika-kaka 
 declared the falute gave him unfpeak- 
 able pleafure : while the byftanders 
 protefted that the contadl produced, 
 not fimply eledlrical fparks or fcin- 
 tillations, but even a perfed: irradia- 
 tion, which feemed altogether fuper- 
 natural. From this moment, Sti- 
 phi-rum-poo was initiated in the 
 myfteries of the cabinet, and even 
 introduced to the perfon of the Dairo 
 Got-hama-baba, whofe pedcftrian fa- 
 VoL, L D vours 
 
^o T^he Hijlory mid 
 
 vours he iliared with his new patron* 
 It was obferved, however, that even 
 after his promotion and nobiUtation, 
 he ftlll retained his original aukward- 
 nefs, and never could acquire that 
 graceful eafe of attitude with which 
 the Cuboy prefcnted his parts averfe 
 to the contemplation of his fovereign. 
 Indeed this miniflier's body was fo 
 well moulded far the celebration of 
 the rite, that one would have ima- 
 gined nature had formed him ex- 
 prefsly for that purpofe, with his 
 head and body projedting forwards, 
 fo as to form an angle of forty-five 
 with the horizon^ while the glutsei 
 mufcles fwelled backwards as if am- 
 bitious to meet half-way the impe- 
 rial encounter. 
 
 The third connexion that ftreng- 
 thened this political band was Nin- 
 kom-poo-po, commander of the 
 Fime^ or navy of Japan, who, if ever 
 man was, might furely be termed 
 the child of fortune. He was bred 
 2 to 
 
Ad'-oentures of an Atom. ^t 
 
 to the fea from his infancy, and, ia 
 the courfe of pacific fervice, rofe to 
 the command of a jonkh, when he 
 was fo lucky as to deted: a crew of 
 pyrates employed on a defolate fhore 
 in concealing a hoard of money which 
 they had taken from the merchants 
 of Corea. Nin-kom-poo-po, falling 
 in with them at night, attacked them 
 unawares, and having obtained an 
 eafy victory, carried olF the treafare. 
 I cannot help being aniufed at the 
 folly of you filly mortals, when I re- 
 collect the tranfports of the people 
 at the return of this fortunate officer, 
 with a paultry mafs of filver parading 
 in covered waggons efcorted by his 
 crew in arms. The whole city of 
 Meaco refounded with acclamation ; 
 and Nin-kom-poo-po was extolled as 
 the greateft hero that ever the empire 
 of Japan produced. The Cuboy ho- 
 noured him with fivekiffes in public 5 
 accepted of the ofculation in private, 
 recommended him in the fcrong-eil 
 D 2 terms 
 
52 The Hijiory and 
 
 terms to the Dairo, who promoted 
 him to the rank of Sey-feo-gun, or 
 general at fea. He profefled him- 
 felf an adherent to the Cuboy, en- 
 tered into a flrid alhance with Sti- 
 phi-rum-poo, and the whole ma- 
 nagement of the Fune was configned 
 into his hands. With refped: to his 
 underftanding, it was juft fufficient 
 to comprehend the duties of a com- 
 mon mariner, and to follow the or- 
 dinary route of the moft fordid ava- 
 rice. As to his heart, he might be 
 faid to be in a fiate of total apathy, 
 without principle or paffion^ for I 
 cannot afford the name of paffion to 
 fuch a vile appetite as an infatiable 
 thirft of lucre. He was, indeed, io 
 cold and forbidding, that, in Japan, 
 the people diilinguiihed him by a 
 nick-name equivalent to the Englifh 
 word Salamander; not that he was 
 inclined to live in fire, but that the 
 coldnefs of his heart would have ex- 
 tinguiihed any fire it had approached. 
 
 jSome 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 53 
 
 Some individuals imagined he had 
 heen begot upon a mermaid by a Tai- 
 lor of Kamfchatka -, but this was a 
 
 mere fable. 1 can affure you, 
 
 however, that when his lips were in 
 contact with the Cuboy's pofteriors, 
 Fika-kaka's teeth were i^tw to chat- 
 ter. The pride of this animal was 
 equal to his frigidity. He affedled to 
 eftablifh new regulations at the coun- 
 cil where he prefided : he treated his 
 equals with infolence, and his fjpe- 
 riors with contempt. Other people 
 generally rejoice in obliging their fel- 
 low-creatures, when they can do it 
 without prejudice to their own inte- 
 reft. Nin-kom-poo-po had a repul- 
 five power in his difpoiition^ and 
 feemed to take pleafure in denying a 
 requeft. When this vain creature, 
 felfifh, inelegant, arrogant, and un- 
 couth, appeared in all his trappings 
 at the Dairo's court, upon a fcfcival, 
 he might have been juftly compared 
 to a Lapland idol of ice, adorned w th 
 D 3 a pro- 
 
54 T^ke Hiftory and 
 
 a profufion of brafs leaf and trinkets 
 of pevv^ter. In the direcflion of the 
 Fune, he was provided with a certain 
 number of afieiTors, coifnfellors, or 
 co-adjutors ; but thefe he never con- 
 fulted, more than if they had been 
 v/ooden imao-es. He diftributed his 
 commands among his ov/n depen- 
 dants; and left all the forms of the 
 ofiice to the care of the fcribe, who 
 thus became fo neceffarv, that his in- 
 fiuence fometimes had well nigh in- 
 terfered with that of the prefident : 
 nay^ they have been feen, like the 
 ekcfbrical foheres of tw^o bodies, re- 
 peiling each other. Hence it was 
 cbferved, that the office of the Sey- 
 feo-gun-fialty refembled the ferpent 
 called Amphifbsna, which, contrary 
 to the formation of other animals in 
 head and tail, has a head where the 
 tail ihould be. Well, indeed, might 
 they compare them to a ferpent, in 
 creeping, cunning, coldnefs, and ve- 
 nom 3 but the comparifon would 
 
 have 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 55 
 
 have held with more propriety, had 
 Nature produced a ferpent without 
 ever a head at all. 
 
 The fourth who contributed his 
 credit and capacity to this coalition, 
 was Fokii-Roku, a man who greatly 
 furpafied them all in the fcience of 
 politicks, bold, fubtle, interefted, 
 infinuating, ambitious, and indefa- 
 tigable. An adventurer from his cra- 
 dle, a latitudinarian in principle,, a. 
 libertine in morals, without the ad- 
 vantages of birth, fortune, charac- 
 ter, or intereft ; by his own natural 
 fagacity, a clofe attention to the fol- 
 lies and foibles of mankind, a pro- 
 jecting fpirit, an invincible affurance,. 
 and an obftinacy of perfeverance proof 
 againft all the ihocks of difappoint- 
 ment andrepulfe ; he forced himfelf 
 as it were into the fcale of prefer- 
 ment ; and being found equally ca- 
 pable and compliant, rofe to high of- 
 fices of truft and profit, detefted by 
 the people, as one of the moil def- 
 
 D 4 perate 
 
^6 The Hijlory and 
 
 perate tools of a wicked adminiftra- 
 tion ; and odious to his colleagues in 
 
 the m y, for his fuperior talents, 
 
 his reftlefs ambition, and the uncer- 
 tainty of his attachment. 
 
 As intereft prompted him, he ho- 
 vered between the triumvirate we 
 have defcribed, and another knot of 
 
 competitors for the ad n, headed 
 
 by Quamba-cun-dono, a great Quo 
 related to the Dairo, who had bore 
 the fupreme command in the army, 
 and v/as ftilcd Fatzman"*, hat l^c^-^h, 
 or, by v/ay of eminence. This ac- 
 ccmplifhed prince w^as not only the 
 greatefl in his mind, but alfo the 
 largefi: in his perfon of all the fub- 
 jefts of Japan ; and whereas your 
 Shakefpeare makes FalftafF urge it 
 as a plea in his ov/n favour, that as 
 he had more flefh, fo likevv^ife he had 
 more frailty than other men ; I 
 may juftly convert the proportion in 
 favour of Quamba-cun-dono, and af- 
 
 f Vid. Kempfer. Amaenitat. Japan, 
 
 firm 
 
Adventures of an Atom, ^j 
 
 firm that as he had more ilefh, fo 
 he had more virtue than any other 
 Japonefe j more bowels, more hu- 
 manity, more beneficence, more 
 afFabihty. He was undoubtedly, for 
 a Fatzman, the moft courteous, the 
 moft gallant, the moft elegant, ge- 
 nerous, and munificent Quo that ever 
 adorned the court of Japan. So con- 
 fummate in the art of war, that the 
 whole world could not produce a 
 general to match him in forefight, 
 vigilance, condud:, and ability. In- 
 deed his intelled:s were fo extraor- 
 dinary and extenfive, that he feemed 
 to fentimentize at every pore, and 
 to have the faculty of thinking dif- 
 fufed ail over his frame, even to his 
 fingers ends , or, as the Latins call it 
 ad iingiiem : nay, fo wonderful was 
 his brganical conformation, that, ia 
 the opinion of many Japonefe philo- 
 fophers, his whole body was enve- 
 loped in a kind of poultice of brain, 
 and that if he had loft his head in bat- 
 D 5 tie. 
 
^8 ^he Hi/lory and 
 
 tie, the damage with regard to his 
 power of reflection would have 
 been fcarce perceptible. After he had 
 atchieved many glorious exploits, in 
 a war againfl the Chinefe on the con- 
 tinent, he was fent with a ftrong ar- 
 my to quell a dangerous infurreftion 
 in the northern parts of Ximo, which 
 is one of the Japonefe iflands. He 
 accordingly by his valour crufhed the 
 rebellion ; and afterwards, by dint of 
 clemency and difcretion, extinguifhed 
 the laft embers of difaffedtion. 
 When the infurgents were defeated^ 
 difperfed, and difarmed, and a fuf- 
 ficient number feledted for example, 
 his humanity emerged, and took full 
 poffeflion of his breaft. He confi- 
 dered them as wretched men mifled 
 by falfe principles of honour, and 
 fympathized with their diftrefs : he 
 pitied them as men and fellow-citi- 
 zens : he regarded them as ufeful 
 fellow-fubjedts, who might be re- 
 claijiied and reunited to the commu- 
 nity. 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 59 
 
 nity. Inftead of fending out the mi- 
 niflers of blood, rapine, and revenge, 
 to ravage, burn, and deflroy, vt^ith- 
 out diflincflion of age, fex, or prin- 
 ciple ; he extended the arms of mer- 
 ey to all who would embrace that 
 indulgence : he proted:ed the lives 
 and habitations of the helplefs, and 
 diminiihed the number of the mal- 
 contents much more efFecTiually by 
 his benevolence than by his fword. 
 
 The fouthern Japonefe had been 
 terribly alarmed at this infurredion, 
 and in the iirft tranfports of their de- 
 liverance, voluntarily taxed them-- 
 felves with a confiderable yearly tri- 
 bute to the hero Qu_amba-cun-dono» . 
 In all probability, they would not: 
 have appeared fo grateful^ had they 
 ftayed to fee the effedls of his mer- 
 ciful difpofition towards the van- 
 quifhed rebels : for mercy is furely 
 no attribute of the Japonefe, confi- 
 dered as a people. , Indeed, nothing 
 could form a more ftriking contrail, , 
 D 6. than. 
 
6o T'he Htjiory and 
 
 than appeared in the tranfaftions in 
 the northern and fouthern parts of the 
 empire at this juncfture. While the 
 amiable Quamba-cun-dono was em- 
 ployed in the godlike office of ga- 
 thering together, and cherifhing un- 
 der his wings the poor, difperfed, 
 forlorn, widows and orphans, whom 
 the favage hand of v/ar had deprived 
 of parent, hufband, home, and fuf- 
 tenance ; while he, in the North, ga- 
 thered thefe miferable creatures, even 
 as a hen gathereth her chickens; 
 Sti-phi-rum-poo, and other judges 
 in the South, were condemning fuch 
 of their parents and hufbands as fur- 
 vived the fvvord, to crucifixion, caul- 
 drons of boiling oil, or exenteration ; 
 and the people were indulging their 
 appetites by feafting upon the vifcera 
 thus extracted. The liver of a Xi- 
 mian was in fuch requeft at this pe- 
 riod, that if the market had been 
 properly managed and fupplied, this 
 delicacy would have fold for two 
 
 Obans 
 
Adventure? of an Atom, 6 1 
 
 Obans a pound, or about four pounds 
 fterling. The troops in the North 
 might have provided at the rate of a 
 thoufand head per month for the de- 
 mand of Meaco ; and tho' the other 
 parts of the carcafe would not have 
 fold at fo high a price as the liver, 
 heart, harrigals, fweet-bread, and 
 pope's eye -, yet the whole, upon an 
 average, would have fetched at the 
 rate of three hundred pounds a head ; 
 efpecially if thofe animals, which are 
 but poorly fed in their ov/n country, 
 had been fattened up and kept upon 
 hard meat for the flaughter. This 
 new branch of traffick would have 
 produced about three hundred and 
 fixty thoufand pounds annually : for 
 the rebellion might eafily have been 
 fomented from year to year ; and con- 
 fequently it would have yielded a 
 coniiderable addition to the empe- 
 ror's revenue, by a proper taxation. 
 
 The philofophers of Japan v/ere 
 divided in their opinions concerning 
 
 this 
 
62 ^he df/iory aiid 
 
 this new tafte for Ximian flefli, 
 which fuddeniy fprung up among 
 the Japonefe. Some afcribed it to a 
 principle of hatred and revenge, 
 agreeable to the common expreffion 
 of animofity among the multitude, 
 ** You dog, I'll have your liver/* 
 Others imputed it ta a notion ana-^ 
 lagous to the vulgar conceit, that 
 the liver of a mad dog being eatea 
 is a preventive againft madnefs ; er- 
 go, the liver of a traitor is an anti- 
 dote againft treafon. A third fort 
 derived this ftrange appetite from^ 
 the belief of the Americans, who, 
 imagine they {hall inherit all the vir- 
 tues of the enemies they devour y, 
 and a fourth affirmed that the de-- 
 mand for this dainty arofe from a. 
 very high and peculiar flavour in-. 
 Ximian flefh, which flavour was, 
 difcovered by accident : moreover,. 
 there were not wanting fome who 
 fuppofed this banquet was a kind of "^ 
 Sacrifice to the powers of forcery;; 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 67 
 as we find that one of the ingredients 
 of the charm prepared in Shakefpear's 
 cauldron was " the Hver of blaf- 
 pheming Jew :" and indeed it is not 
 at all improbable that the liver of a 
 rebellious Ximian might be altoge- 
 tlier as eifeaual. I know that Fi- 
 ka-kaka was ftimulated by curiofity 
 to try the experiment, and held di- 
 vers confultations with his cooks on 
 this fubjecft. They all declared in 
 favour of the trial ; and it was ac- 
 cordingly prefented at the table, 
 where the Cuboy eat of it to fuch 
 excefs as to produce a furfeit. He 
 underwent a fevere evacuation both 
 ways, attended with cold fweats and 
 fwoonings. In a word, his agony 
 was fo violent, that he ever after 
 loathed the fight of Ximian flefh, 
 whether dead or alive. 
 
 With the Fatzman Quamba-cun- 
 dono was conneded another Quo 
 called Gotto-mio, viceroy of Xico- 
 co, one of the iflands of Japan. If 
 
 his 
 
64 ^ T'he Hijlory and 
 
 his underftanding had been as large 
 as his fortune, and his temper a Httle 
 more tractable, he would have been 
 a dangerous rival to the Cuboy. But 
 if their brains had been weighed 
 againft each other, the nineteenth 
 part of a grain would have turned 
 either fcale ; and as Fika-kaka had 
 negative qualities, which fupported 
 and extended his perfonal influence, 
 fo Gotto-mio had pofitive powers, 
 that defended him from all ap- 
 proaches of popularity. His pride 
 was of the infolent order; his tem- 
 per extremely irafcible ; and his ava- 
 rice quite rapacious : nay, he is faid 
 to have once declined the honour of 
 a kicking from the Dairo. Conceited 
 of his own talents, he affedted to ha- 
 rangue in the council of Twenty 
 Eight; but his ideas were embar- 
 raifed ; his language was mean ; and 
 his elocution more difcordant than the 
 braying of fifty affes. When Fika- 
 kaka addreffed himfelf to fpeech, an 
 
 agree- 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 65 
 
 agreeable limper played upon the 
 countenances of all the audience : 
 but foon as Gotto-mio flood up, every 
 fpedlator raifed his thumbs to his ears, 
 as it were inftinclively. The Dairo 
 Got-hama-baba, by the advice of the 
 Cuboy, fent him over to govern the 
 people of Xicoco, and a more effec- 
 tual method could not have been taken 
 to mortify his arrogance. His de- 
 portment was fo infolent, his (Econo- 
 my fo fordid, and his government fo 
 arbitrary, that thofe iilanders, who 
 are remarkably ferocious and impa- 
 tient, expreffed their hatred and con- 
 tempt of him on every occafion. 
 His Quanbukuflilp was hardly fafe 
 from outrage in the midft of his 
 guards , and a crofs was adlully erec- 
 ted for the execution of his favou- 
 rite Kow-kin, who , efcaped with 
 fome difficulty to the ifland of Ni- 
 phon, whither alfo his patron foon 
 followed him, attended by the curfes 
 of the people whom he had been fent 
 to rule. 
 
66 ^be Hijiory and 
 
 He who preiided at the council of 
 Twenty Eight was called Soo-fan- 
 fin-o, an old experienced fhrewd po- 
 litician, who conveyed more fenfe in 
 one finele fentence, than could have 
 been dirtilled from all the other brains 
 in council, had they been macerated 
 in one alembic. He was a man of 
 extenfive learning and elegant tafte. 
 He faw through the characters of his 
 
 fellow-labourers in the ad n. 
 
 He laughed at the folly of one fac- 
 tion, and detefted the arrogance and 
 prefumption of the other. In an af- 
 fembly of fenfible men, his talents 
 would have fhone with fuperior luf- 
 tre : but at the council of Twenty 
 Eight, they were obfcured by the 
 thick clouds of ignorance that enve- 
 loped his brethren. The Dairo had 
 a perfonal refpe<5l for him, and is 
 faid to have conferred frequent fa- 
 vours on his pofteriors in private. 
 He kicked the Cuboy often ex qfficioy 
 as a husband thinks it incumbent up- 
 
 oit 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 67 
 
 on him to carefs his wife : but he 
 kicked the prefident for pleafure, as 
 a voluptuary embraces his miftrefs. 
 Soo-fan-fin-o, confcious that he had 
 no family intereft to fupport him in 
 cabals among the people, and care- 
 lefs of his country's fate, rcfolved to 
 enjoy the coriiforts of life in quiet. 
 He laughed and quaffed with his feled: 
 companions in private ; received his 
 appointments thankfully ; and fwam 
 with the tide of politicks as it hap- 
 pened to flow. It was pretty ex- 
 traordinary that the wifeft man fhould 
 be the greateft cypher : but fuch was 
 the will of the p-ods. 
 
 Befides thefe great luminaries that 
 enlightened the cabinet of Japan, I 
 fhall have occafion, in the courfe of 
 my narrative, to defcribe many other 
 ftars of an inferior order. At this 
 board, there was as great a variety of 
 characters, as we find in the cele- 
 brated table of Cebes. Nay, indeed, 
 what was objected to the philofopher, 
 
 might 
 
68 "The Hijlory and 
 
 might have been more juftly faid of 
 the Japonefe councils. There was 
 neither invention, unity, nor defign 
 among them. They confifted of mobs 
 of fauntering, ftrolling, vagrant, and 
 ridiculous politicians. Their fchemes 
 were abfurd, and their deliberations 
 like the flcetches of anarchy. All 
 was bellowing, bleating, braying, 
 grinning, grumbling, confufion, and 
 uproar. It was more like a dream of 
 chaos than a picture of human life. 
 If the AAiMQN, or Genius was want- 
 ing, it muft be owned that Fika-kaka 
 exadlly anfwered Cebes's defcription 
 of TTXH, or Fortune, blind and fran- 
 tic, running about every where ; giv- 
 ing to fome, and taking from others, 
 without rule or diftindlion ; while her 
 emblem of the round ftone, fairly 
 fhews his giddy nature ; kakco^ ^LYwht 
 <p\j(nv AVTYi^. Here, however, one might 
 have feen many other figures of the 
 painter's allegory ; fuch as Deception 
 tendering the cup of ignorance and 
 
 error. 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 69 
 
 error, opinions and appetites j Dif- 
 appointment and Anguifh ; Debauch- 
 ery, Profligacy, Gluttony, and Adu- 
 lation ; Luxury, Fraud, Rapine, 
 Perjury, and Sacrilege : but not the 
 leaft traces of the virtues which are 
 defcribed in the groupe of true edu- 
 cation, and in the grove of happi- 
 nefe. 
 
 The two factions that divided the 
 council of Japan, tho' inveterate ene- 
 mies to each other, heartily and cor- 
 dially concurred in one particular, 
 which was the worfliip eflabliflied in 
 the temple of Fakkubafi, or the 
 White Horfe. This was the orthodox 
 faith in Japan, and was certainly 
 founded, as St. Paul faith of the 
 Chriftian religion, upon the evidence 
 of things not feen. All the votaries 
 of this fuperftition of Fakkubafi fub- 
 fcribed and fwore to the following 
 creed, implicitly, without hefitation, 
 or mental refervation. *' I believe 
 in the White Horfe, that he defcended 
 
 from 
 
^o The Hijlory and 
 
 from heaven, and fojourned in Jeddo, 
 which is the land of promife. I be- 
 lieve in Bupo his apoftle, who firft 
 declared to the children of Niphon, 
 the glad tidings of the gofpel of 
 Fakkubafi. I believe that the White 
 Horfe was begot by a black mule, and 
 brought forth by a green dragon ; 
 that his head is of iilver, and his 
 hoofs are of brafs ; that he e ats gold 
 as provender, and difcharges dia- 
 monds as dung ; that the Japonefe 
 are ordained and predefined to fur- 
 nifh him with food, and the people 
 of Jeddo to clear away his litter. I 
 believe that the ifland of Niphon is 
 joined to the continent of Jeddo ; 
 and that whoever thinks otherwife 
 ihall be damned to all eternity. I 
 believe that the fmalleft portion of 
 matter may be pradlically divided ad 
 infinitum : that equal quantities taken 
 from equal quantities, an unequal ■ 
 quantity will remain : that two and - 
 two make feven : that the fun rules 
 
 the 
 
Adventures of an Atom, yi 
 
 the night, the ftars the day ; and the 
 moon is made of green cheefe. Fi- 
 nally, I believe that a man cannot be 
 faved without devoting his goods and 
 his chattels, his- children, relations, 
 and friends, his fenfes and ideas, his 
 foul and his body, to the religion of 
 the White Horfe, as it is prefcribed 
 in the ritual of Fakkubafi." Thefe 
 are the tenets v^hich the Japonefe 
 minifters fwallowed as glib as the 
 Englifh clergy fv^allow the thirty^ 
 nine articles. 
 
 Having thus charaSerifed the 
 chiefs that difputed the adminiftra- 
 tion, or, in other words, the empire 
 of Japan, I fliall now proceed to a 
 plain narration of hiftorical incidents, 
 without pretending to philofophize 
 
 like H e, or dogmatize lik^ 
 
 S it, I fhall only tell thee, 
 
 Nathaniel, that Britain never gave 
 birth but to two hiflorians worthy 
 of credit, and they were Talieffin 
 and Geoffrey of Monmouth. I'll 
 
 tell 
 
J 2 T^he Hijiory and 
 
 tell you another fecret. The whole 
 world has never been able to produce 
 fix good hiftorians. Herodotus is 
 fabulous even to a proverb ; Thucy- 
 dides is perplexed, obfcure, and un- 
 important ; Polybius is dry and in- 
 elegant ; Livy fuperficial -, and Ta- 
 citus a coxcomb. Guicciardini wants 
 interefl -, Davila, digeftion ; and 
 Sarpi, truth. In the whole cata- 
 logue of French hiftorians, there is 
 not one of tolerable authenticity 
 
 In the year of the period Foggien 
 one hundred and fifty four, the tran- 
 quility of Japan was interrupted by 
 the incroachments of the Chinefe ad- 
 venturers, who made defcents upon 
 certain iflands belonging to the Ja- 
 poneie a great way to the fouthward 
 of Xicoco. They even fettled colo- 
 nies, and built forts on fome of them, 
 while the two empires were at peace 
 with each other. When the Japo- 
 nefe governors expoflulated with the 
 Chinefe ofScers on this intrufion, 
 5 they 
 
Adventures of an Atom, y^ 
 
 they were treated with ridicule and 
 contempt : then they had recourfe 
 to force of arms, and fome flcir- 
 miflies were fought with various 
 fuccefs. When the tidings of thefe 
 hoftiHties arrived at Meaco, the 
 whole council of Twenty-Eight was 
 overwhelmed with fear and confu- 
 fion. The Dairo kicked them all 
 round, not from paffion, but by way 
 of giving an animating fillip to their 
 
 deliberative faculties. The difoutes 
 
 J. 
 
 had happened in the iiland of Fat- 
 fiflio : but there were only three 
 members of the council who knew 
 that Fatfiflio was an iiland, although 
 the commerce there carried on was 
 of the utmoft importance to the em- 
 pire of Japan. They v/ere as much 
 in. the dark with refped to its fitua- 
 tion. Fika-kaka, on the fuppoiition 
 that it adjoined to the coaft of Co- 
 rea, exprefTed his apprehenfion that 
 the Chinefe would invade it with a 
 numerous army > and vv^as fo tranf- 
 Vol. I. E port-ed 
 
y4 ^f^^ Hijlory ana 
 
 ported when Fokfi-roku affured him 
 it was an ifland at a vaft diftance 
 from any continent, that he kiffed 
 him five times in the face of the 
 whole council j and his royal maf- 
 ter, Got-hama-baba, fwore he fhould 
 be indulged with a double portion of 
 kicking at his next private audience. 
 The fame counfellor propofed, that 
 jis the Fune or navy of Japan was 
 much miore numerous -than the fleet 
 of China, they fhould immediately 
 jivail themfelves of this advantage. 
 Quamba-cun-dono the Fatzman was 
 of opinion that war fhould be im- 
 mediately declared, and an army 
 tranfported to the continent. Sti- 
 phi-rum-poo thought it would be 
 more expedient to fweep the feas of 
 the Chinefe trading veffels, without 
 giving them any previous intimation ; 
 and to this opinion admiral Nin- 
 kom-poo-po fubfcribed, not only out 
 of dei'erence to the fuperior under- 
 fuanding of his fage ally, who un- 
 dertook 
 
Adventures of an Atojn. 7 i- 
 
 dertook to prove it was not contrary 
 to the law of nature and nations, to 
 plunder the fubjedis of foreign pow- 
 ers, who trade on the faith of trea- 
 ties ; but alfo from his own inclina- 
 tion, which was much addid:ed to 
 pillage without bloodihed. To him, 
 therefore, the talk was left of fcour- 
 iiig the feas, and intercepting the fuc- 
 cours which (they had received in- 
 telligence) were ready to fail from 
 one of the ports of China to the 
 ifland of Fatfiffio. In the mean 
 time, junks were provided for tranf- 
 porting thither a body of Japonefe 
 troops, under the command of one 
 Koan, an obfcure officer without 
 condud: or experience, whom the 
 Fatzman feledted for this fervice: 
 not that he fuppofed him poffeffed 
 of fuperior merit, but becaufe no 
 leader of diflindlion cared to engage 
 in fuch a difagreeable expedition. 
 
 Nin-kom-poo-po adled according 
 
 to the jufteft ideas which had been 
 
 E 2 formed 
 
76 T^he Hijlory and 
 
 formed of his underftanding. He 
 let loofe his cruifers among the mer- 
 chant fhips of China, and the har- 
 bours of Japan were quickly filled 
 with prizes and prifoners. The 
 Chinefe exclaimed againft thefe pro- 
 ceedings as the moft perfidious adls 
 of piracy , and all the other powers 
 of Mil beheld them with aflonifli- 
 ment. But the confammate wifdom 
 of the fea Sey-feo -gun appeared moft 
 confpicuous in another ftroke of ge- 
 nerahliip, which he now ftruck. 
 Inftead of blocking up in the Chi- 
 nefe harbour the fuccours deftined 
 to reinforce the enemy in Fatfiflio, 
 until they Ihould be driven from 
 their incroachments on that ifland, 
 he very wifely itnt a ftrong fquadron 
 of Fune to cruife in the open fea, 
 midway between China and Fatfiflio, 
 in the moil tempeftuous feafon of 
 the year, when the fogs are fo thick 
 and fo confl:ant in that latitude, as 
 to rival the darknefs of a winter 
 
 night ; 
 
Adventures of a?i Atom, 77 
 
 night ; and fupported the feafibiUty 
 of this fcheme in council, by obferv- 
 ing, that the enemy would be thus 
 decoyed from their harbour, and un- 
 doubtedly intercepted in their paf- 
 fage by the Japonefe fquadron. This 
 plan was applauded as one of the 
 moft ingenious ftratagems that ever 
 was devifed ; and Fika-kaka iniifted 
 upon kiffing his pofteriors, as the 
 moft honourable mark of his ap- 
 probation, . 
 
 Philofophers have obferved, that 
 the motives of ad:ions are not to be 
 eftimated by events. Fortune did 
 not altoirether fulfil the exoedlations 
 
 O X 
 
 of the council. General Koan fuf- 
 fered himfelf and his army to be de- 
 coyed into the middle of a wood, 
 where they flood like flieep in the 
 fhambles, to be flaughtered by an 
 unfeen enemy. The Chinefe fuc- 
 cours perceiving their harbour open, 
 fet fail for FatfifTio, which they 
 reached in fafety, by changing their 
 
 E 3 courfe 
 
yS The Hiflory and 
 
 courfe about one degree from the 
 common route ; while the Japonefe 
 Fune continued cruifing among the 
 fogs, until the iliips were fhattered 
 by ftorms, and the crews more than 
 half deftroyed by cold and dif- 
 temper. 
 
 When the news of thefe difafters 
 arrived, great commotion arofe in 
 the council. The Dairo Got-hama- 
 baba flutcered, and clacked and 
 cackled and hiffed like a goofe dif- 
 turbed in the a6t of incubation . 
 Quamba-cun-dono ilied bitter tears : 
 the Cuboy fnivelled and fobbed : 
 Sti-phi-rum-poo groaned : Gotto- 
 mio fv/ore : but the fea Sey-feo-gun 
 Nin-kom-poo-po underwent no al- 
 teration. He fat as the emblem of 
 infenfibility, fixed as the north ftar, 
 and as cold as that luminary, fending 
 forth emanations of frigidity. Fi- 
 ka-ka, miftaking this congelation for 
 fortitude, went round and embraced 
 him where he fat, exclaiming, '* My 
 
 dear 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 79 
 
 dear Day, Sey-feo-gun, what would 
 you advife in this dilemma ?" But the 
 contacft had almoft coft him his life; 
 for the touch of Nin-kom-poo-po, 
 thus congealed, had the fame efi^e<fL 
 as that of the fifh called Torpor. 
 The Cuhoy's whole body w^as in- 
 ftaiitly benumbed; and if his friends 
 had not inftantly poured down his 
 throat a confiderable quantity of 
 ftrong fpirit, the circulation would 
 have ceaicd. This is what philofo- 
 phers call a generation of cold, v^hich 
 •became fo intenfe, that the mercury 
 in a Japonefe thermometer conftruc- 
 ted on the fame principles which 
 were afterwards adopted by Falirn- 
 heit, and fixed in the apartment, 
 immediately funk thirty degrees be- 
 low the freezing point. 
 
 The firft aftonifhmcnt of the 
 council was fucceeded by critical re- 
 marks and argumentation. Tlie 
 Dairo confoled himfelf by obfcrving,. 
 that his troops made a v-ery fokUerly 
 
 E 4 ap- 
 
So ^he Hiftory and 
 
 appearance as they lay on the field 
 in their new cloathing, fmart caps, 
 and clean buHdns ; and that the ene- 
 my allowed they had never feen 
 beards and whiskers in better order. 
 He then declared, that fhould a war 
 enfue with China, he would go 
 ;ibroad and expofe himfelf for the 
 glory of Japan. Fokfi-roku expref- 
 fed his furprize, that a general fliould 
 march his army through a wood in 
 an unknown country, without hav- 
 - ing it firfl: reconnoitred : but the 
 Fatzman afiured him, that was a 
 pracftice never admitted into the dif- 
 cipline of Japan. Gctto-mio fwore 
 the man was mad to ftand with his 
 men, like oxen in a Hall, to be 
 knocked on the head without uling 
 any means of defence. '^ Why the 
 devil (faid he) did not he either re- 
 treat, or advance to clofe engagement 
 with the handful of Chinefe who 
 formied the ambufcade ?" " I hope, 
 my dear Quanbuku, (replied the 
 
 Fatz- 
 
Adventures of an Atom, % i 
 
 Fatzman) that the troops of Japaa 
 will always ftand without flinching. 
 I fhould have been mortiiied beyond 
 meafure, had they retreated without 
 
 feeing the face of the enemy: 
 
 that would have 'been a diigrace 
 which never befel any troops formed 
 under my direction ; and as for ad- 
 vancing, the ground would not per- 
 mit any manoeuvre of that nature. 
 They were engaged in a cid de fac, 
 where they could not form either m 
 hollow fquarC;, front line, potence, 
 column or platoon. It v/as the for- 
 tune of war, and they bore it like 
 
 men : we jQiall be more fortunate 
 
 on another occafion." The preiident 
 Soo-fan-fxn-o, took notice, that if 
 there had been one fpaniel in the 
 whole Japonefe army, this difafler 
 could not have happened ; as the 
 animal would have beat the builies 
 and difcovered the ambufcade. He 
 therefore propofed, that if the war 
 w^as to be profecuted in Fiitfiffio, 
 E c wiiich 
 
82 T^he Hijlory and 
 
 which is a country overgrown with 
 wood, a number of blood-hounds- 
 might be provided and fent over, 
 to run upon the foot in the front and 
 on the flanks of the army, when it 
 fhould be on its march through fuch 
 impediments. Quamba-cun-dono 
 declared, that foldiers had much 
 better die in the bed of honour, than 
 be faved and vid:orious, by fuch an 
 unmilitary expedient j that fuch a 
 propofal was fo contrary to the rules 
 of war and the fcheme of enlifting 
 dogs fo derogatory from the dignity 
 of the fervice, that if ever it fliould 
 be embraced, he would refign his 
 command, and fpend the remainder 
 of his life in retirement. This ca- 
 nine projed: was equally difliked by 
 the Dairo, who approved of the 
 Fatzman's objection, and fealed his 
 approbation with a pedefhrian falute 
 of fuch momentum, that the Fatz- 
 man could hardly ftand under the 
 v/eight of the compliment, Jt was 
 
 agreed 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 5 1 
 
 Q 
 
 agreed that new levies fliould be 
 made, and a new fquadron of Fune 
 equipped with all expedition ; and 
 thus the affembly broke up. 
 
 Fortune had not yet fufficientljr 
 humbled the pride of Japan. That 
 body of Chinefe which defeated 
 Koan, made feveral conquefts in Faft- 
 fiffio, and feemed to be in a fair way -, 
 of reducing the whole iiland. Yet,, 
 the court of China, not fatisfied with 
 this fuccefs,. refolved to ftrike a blowy 
 that fiiould be equally humiliating 
 to the Japonefe, in another part of 
 the world. Having by fpecious re- 
 monftrances already prepoffeffed all 
 the neighbouring nations againft the 
 government of Japan, as the patrons 
 of perfidy and piracy ; they fitted 
 out an armament, which was in- 
 tended to fubdue the ifland of Mo- 
 tao on the coaft of Corea, which the 
 Japonefe had taken in a former war, 
 and now occupied at a very great ex- 
 pence, as a place of the utmoft im- 
 E 6 por* 
 
84 Tl^^ Hijiory and 
 
 portance to the commerce of the 
 empire. Repeated advices of the ene- 
 my's defign were fent from different 
 
 parts, to the m y of Japan : but 
 
 they feemed all overwhelmed by 
 fuch a lethargy of infatuation, that 
 no meafures of prevention were con- 
 certed. 
 
 Such was the opinion of the peo- 
 ple ; but the truth is, they were 
 faft afleep. The Japonefe hold with 
 the antient Greeks and modern 
 Americans, that dreams are from 
 heaven; and in any perplexing emer- 
 gency, they, like the Indians, Jews, 
 und natives of Madagafcar, have re- 
 courfe to dreaming as to an oracle. 
 Thefe dreams or divinations are pre- 
 ceded by certain rehgious rites ana- 
 lagous to the ceremony of the ephod, 
 the urim and the thummim. The 
 rites were religioufly performed in 
 the council of Twenty-Eight ; and 
 a (ieep flcep overpowered the Dairo 
 and ail his counfel!ors» 
 
 Got- 
 
Adventurer of an Atom, 8^ 
 
 Got-hama-baba the emperoi% who 
 repofed his head upon the pillowy 
 fides of Quamba-cun-dono, dreamed 
 that he was facriiicing in the temple 
 of Fakkubaii, and faw the deity of 
 the White Horfe devouring pearls 
 by the bufhel at one end, and void- 
 ing corruption by the ton at the 
 other. The Fatzman dreamed that 
 a great number of Chinefe cook^ 
 were bufy buttering his brains. Got- 
 to-mio dreamed of lending money 
 and borrowing fenfe. Sti-phi-rum- 
 poo thought he had procured a new 
 law for clapping padlocks upon the 
 chaftity of all the females in Japan 
 under twenty, of v/hich padlocks 
 he himfelf kept the keys. Nin-kom- 
 poo-po dreamed he was metamor- 
 phofed into a fea-lion, in purfuit of 
 a llioal of golden gudgeons. One did 
 laugh ins Jleepy and one cried murder. 
 The firfr was Soo-fan-fin-o, who 
 had precifely the fame vifion that 
 difturbed the imagination of the Cu- 
 
 boy. 
 
S6 The Hljlory and 
 
 boy. He thought he faw the face 
 of a right reverend prelate of the Bon- 
 zas, united with and growing to the 
 pofteriors of the minifter. Fika- 
 kaka underwent the fame difagree- 
 able illufion, with this aggravating 
 circumftance, that he already felt 
 the teeth of the faid Bonza. The 
 prefident laughed aloud at the ridi- 
 culous pha^nomenon : the Cuboy ex- 
 claimed in the terror of being en- 
 cumbered with fuch a monftrous 
 appendage. It Vv^as not without fome 
 reafon he cried, *' Murder !" Fok- 
 li-roku, who happened to fleep on 
 the next chair, dreamed of mo- 
 ney-bags, places, and reverfions ^ 
 and in the tranfport of his eagernefs^ 
 laid fafl hold on the trunk-breeches, 
 of the Cuboy, including certain fun- 
 damentals, which he grafped fo vio- 
 lently as to excite pain, and extort 
 the exclamation from Fika-kaka,, 
 even in his fleep. 
 
 The council being at laft waked 
 
 by 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 78 
 
 by the clamours of the people, who 
 furrounded the palace, and proclaimed 
 that Motao was in danger of an inva- 
 fion ; the fea Sey-feo-gun Nin-kom~ 
 poo-po, was ordered to fit out a fleet 
 of Fune for the relief of that ifland 1 
 and directions were given that the 
 commander of thefe Fune fhould, in 
 his voyage, touch at the garrifon of 
 Foutao, and take on board from 
 thence a certain number of troops,, 
 to reinforce the Japonefe governor of 
 the place that was in danger. Nin- 
 kom-poo-po for this fervice chofe 
 the commander Bihn-goh, a man 
 who had never fignalised himfelf by 
 any ad: of valour. He fent him out 
 with a fquadron of Fune ill manned,, 
 wretchedly provided, and inferior in- 
 number to the fleet of China, which 
 was by this time known to be aiTem- 
 bled in order to fupport the invafion 
 of the illand of Motao. He failed,, 
 neverthelefs, on this expedition, and ' 
 touched at the garrifon of Foutao to- 
 
 2 take 
 
88 T!he Hiftory and 
 
 take in the reinforcement : but the 
 orders fent for this purpofe from 
 Nob-o-di, minifter for the depart- 
 ment of war, appeared fo contradic- 
 tory and abfurd, that they could not 
 poffibly be obeyed ; fo that Bihn- 
 goh proceeded without the reinforce- 
 ment towards Motao, the principal 
 fortrefs of which was by this time 
 inverted. He had been accidentally 
 joined by a few cruifers, which ren- 
 dered him equal in ftrength to the 
 Chinefe fquadron which he now de- 
 fcried. Both commanders feemed 
 afraid of each other. The fleets, 
 however, engaged ; but little da- 
 mage was done to either. They 
 parted as if by confent. Bihn-goh 
 made the beft of his way back to 
 Foutao, v/ithout making the leaft 
 attempt to fuccour, or open a com- 
 munication with Fi-de-ta-da, the 
 governor of Mctao, who, looking 
 upon himfelf as abandoned by his 
 countrv, furrendercd his fortrefs, 
 
 with 
 
Adve72tures of an Atom, 89 
 
 with the whole ifland, to the Chi- 
 n^io, general. Thefe difgraces hap- 
 pening on the back of .the Fatfiffian 
 difaflers, railed a prodigious ferment 
 in Japan, and the miniftry had al- 
 nioft funk under the firft fury of the 
 people's refentment. They not only 
 exclaimed againft the folly of the ad- 
 miniftration, but they alfo accufed 
 them of treachery; and feemed to 
 think that the glory and advantage 
 of the empire had been betrayed. 
 What increafed the commotion was 
 the terror of aninvalion, with which 
 the Chinefe threatened the iflands of 
 Japan. The terrors of Fika-ka had 
 already coft him two pair of trunk 
 hofe, which were defiled by fudden 
 fallies or irruptions from the poftern 
 of his microcofm ; and thefe were 
 attended with fuch noifome effluvia, 
 that the Bonzas could not perform 
 the barbal abfterfion without marks 
 of abhorrence. The emperor him- 
 felf was • feen to flop his nofe, and 
 
 turn 
 
90 ^he Hijlory and 
 
 turn away his head, when he ap- 
 proached him to perform the pedef- 
 trian exercife. 
 
 Here I intended to infert a differ- 
 tation on troufers or trunk breeches, 
 called by the Greeks ^^ctMt, & -Tn^'i^K^-ctTA^ 
 by the Latins bracca lax^y by the 
 Spaniards bragas anchasy by the Ita- 
 lians calzone largo, by tlie French 
 /jaiit de chaiijfes, by the Saxons 
 bracce, by the Swedes brackovy by 
 the Irifh briechan, by the Celtas 
 hragy and by the Japonefe bra-ak. 
 I could make fome curious difcove- 
 ries touching the analogy between 
 the Tiz^iiaiMdiTct and imtov yvvctiaitoy^ and 
 point out the precife time at which 
 the Grecian women began to wear 
 the breeches. I would have demon- 
 ftrated that the cinzidiim midiebre was 
 originally no other than the wife's li- 
 terally wearing the husband's troufers 
 at certain orgia, as a mark of domi- 
 nion transferred pro te?7tpGre, to the 
 female, I would have-drawn a cu- 
 rious 
 
Adi:entiires of an Atom. 9 1 
 
 rious parallel between the imm of 
 the Greek, and th^fiim or middle 
 cloth worn by the black bdies in 
 Guinea. I would have proved that 
 breeches were not firft ufed to defend 
 the central parts from the injuries of 
 the weather, inafmuch as they were 
 iirft worn by the Orientals in a warm 
 climate ; as you may fee in Perfius, 
 
 Braccatis illita ?nedis porticus, I 
 
 would have fliev/n that breeches were 
 firft brought from Afia to the nor- 
 thern parts of Europe, by the Celta^ 
 fprung from the antient Gomanaus : 
 that troufers were wore in Scotland 
 long before the time of Pythagoras ; 
 and indeed we are told by Jambly- 
 chus, that Abaris, the famous High- 
 land philofopher, cotemporary, and 
 perfonally acquainted with the fage 
 of Crotona, wore long troufers. I 
 myfelf can atteft the truth of that 
 defcription, as I well remember the 
 perfon and habit of that learned 
 mountaineer. I would have explained 
 
 the 
 
92 ^be Hijlory and 
 
 the reafons that compelled the poile- 
 rity of thofe mountaineers to aban- 
 don the breeches of their forefathers, 
 and expofe their pofleriors to the " 
 wind. I would have convinced the 
 Engliili antiquaries that the inhabi- 
 tants of Yorkihire came originally 
 from the Highlands of Scotland, be- 
 fore the Scots had laid afide their 
 breeches, and wore this part of 
 drefs, long after their anceftors, as 
 well as the fouthern Britons were un- 
 breeched by the Romans. From 
 this dillindtion they acquired the 
 name of Brigantes, qiiaji B?^aga?ites ; 
 and hence came the verb to brag or 
 boafb contemptuoully : for the neigh- 
 bours of the Brigantes being at vari- 
 ance with that people, ufed, by way 
 of contumelious defiance, when they 
 faw any of them palling or repafling, 
 to clap their hands on their poiteriors, 
 
 and cry Brag-Brag. 1 would have 
 
 drav/n a learned comparifon between 
 the fhieldof Ajax and the feven-fold 
 
 breeches 
 
Adve?tt tires of an Ato?n. 93 
 
 breeches of a Dutch skipper. Fi- 
 nally, I would have promulgated 
 the original ufe of trunk breeches, 
 which would have led me into a dif- 
 cuilion of the rites of Cloacina, fo 
 differently worshipped by the fou- 
 thern and northern inhabitants of 
 this kingdom. Thefe difquifitions 
 would have unveiled the myileries 
 that now conceal the orgin, migra- 
 tion, fuperftition, language, laws, 
 and connexions of different nations 
 
 -fed nunc non erit his locus. I 
 
 ihall only obferve, that Linfchot and 
 others are miftaken in deriving the 
 Japonefe from their neighbours the 
 Chinefe ; and that Dr. Kempfer is 
 right in his conje6lure, fuppofing 
 them to have come from Media im- 
 mediately after the confufion of Ba- 
 bel. It is no wonder, therefore, that 
 being Braccatorum flHy they fhould 
 retain the wide breeches of their 
 progenitors. 
 
 Having 
 
^4 ^^^ WJlorj and 
 
 Having dropped thefe hints con- 
 cerning the origin of breeches, I 
 /hall now return to the great perfo- 
 nage that turned me into this train 
 of thinking. The council of Twenty- 
 Eight being affembled in a great 
 hurry, Fika-kaka fat about five fe- 
 conds in filence, having in his coun- 
 tenance, nearly the fame expreffion 
 "which you have ktn in the face and 
 attitude of Felix on his tribunal, as 
 reprefented by the facetious Hogarth 
 in his print done after the Dutch 
 tafte. After fome paufe he rofe, 
 and furveying every individual of the 
 council through a long tube, began a 
 fpeech to this eifecfl : ** Imperial 
 Got-hama-baba, my ever-glorious 
 mafter ; and you, ye illuftrious no- 
 bles of Japan, Quanbukus, Quos, 
 Days, and Daygos, my fellows and 
 colleagues in the work of admin if- 
 tration \ it is well known to you all, 
 and they are rafcals that deny it, I 
 
 have 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 95 
 
 have watched and fafted for the pu- 
 bhc weal, — By G— d, I have de- 
 prived myfelf of two hours of my na- 
 tural reft, every night for a week to- 
 gether. — Then, I have been fo hur- 
 ried with ftate affairs, that I could 
 not eat a comfortable meal in a whole 
 fortnight -, and what rendered this 
 misfortune the greater, my chief 
 cook had dreffed an olio a la Chine. 
 —I fay an olio, my Lords, fuch an 
 olio as never appeared before upon 
 a table in Japan — by the Lord, it 
 coft me fifty Obans ; and I had not 
 time to tafte a morfel.— 'Well, then, 
 I have watched that my fellow-fub- 
 je6ls fhould fleep; I have fafted that 
 they fhould feed. — I have not only 
 watched and fafted, but I have 
 prayed — no, not much of that— 
 yes, by the Lord, I have prayed as 
 it were — I have ejaculated — I have 
 danced and fung at the Matfuris, 
 which, you know, are religious 
 rites — I have headed the multitude, 
 
 sind 
 
96 ^he Hijlory and 
 
 and treated all the ragamuffins in 
 -Japan. — To be certain, I could not do 
 -too much for our moft excellent and 
 -fublime emperor, an emperor une- 
 qualled in wifdom, and unrivalled 
 in gene rafity.— Were I to expatiate 
 from the riling of the fun to the fet- 
 ting thereof, I iliould not fpeak half 
 his praife.— O happy nation ! O 
 fortunate Japan ! happy in fuch a 
 Dairo to' wield the fceptre ; and let 
 me add, (vanity apart) fortunate in 
 fuch a Cuboy to condu6t the admi- 
 niftration.— Such a prince ! and fuch 
 a minifter ! — a ha ! my noble friend 
 5oo-fan-fm-o, I fee your Dayfliip 
 fmile — I know what you think, ha ! 
 ha ! — Very well, my Lord — you 
 may think what you pleafe ; but two 
 fuch head-pieces — pardon, my roy- 
 al mafter, my prefumption in laying 
 our heads together, you wo'n't find 
 again in the whole univerfe, ha ! ha ! 
 — rU be damn'd if you do, ha! ha ! 
 ha !'* The tumult without doors 
 
 was. 
 
Adventures of an Atom. gy 
 
 ,was, by this time, increafed to fucli 
 a degree, that the Cuboy could utter 
 nothing more ab anteriori , and the 
 majority of the members fat aghafl 
 in lilence. The Dairo declared he 
 would throw his cap out of the win- 
 dow into the midft of the populace, 
 and challenge any fmgle man of them 
 to bring it up : but he was diffuaded 
 from hazarding his facred perfon in 
 fuch a manner. Quamba-cun-dono 
 propofed to let loofethe guards among 
 the multitude : but Fika-kaka pro- 
 tefted he could never agree to an ex- 
 pedient fo big with danger to the 
 perfons of all prefent. Sti-phi-rum- 
 poo was of opinion, that they fhould 
 proceed according to law, and indid: 
 the leaders of the mob for a riot. 
 Nin-kom-poo-po exhorted the Dairo 
 and the v/hole council to take refuge 
 on board the fleet. Gotto-mio 
 fweated in filence : he trembled for 
 his money-bags, and dreaded another 
 encounter with the mob, by whom 
 Vol. I, F he 
 
9 8 T^he Hijiory and 
 
 he had fuffered feverely in the flefh, 
 upon a former occafion. The preii- 
 dent flirugged up his fhoulders, and 
 kept his eye fixed upon a pojftern or 
 back-door. In this general confter- 
 nation, Fokfi-roku ftood up and of- 
 fered a fcheme, which was imme- 
 diately put in execution. ** The 
 multitude, my Lords, (faid he) is a 
 many headed monfter — it is a Cerbe- 
 rus that mufl have a fop : — it is a 
 wild beaft, fo ravenous that nothing 
 but blood v/lU appeafe its appetite : 
 —it is a whale, that mufl: have a 
 barrel for its amufement : — it is a 
 damon to which we mufl: offer up 
 human facrifice. Now the quefl:ion 
 is, who is to be this fop, this barrel, 
 •this fcape-goat ? — ^Tremble not, il- 
 lufl:rious Fika-kaka — be not afraid— 
 your life is of too much confe- 
 quence. — But I perceive that the 
 Cuboy is moved — an unfavoury odour 
 aifails my noftrils — brief let me be*— 
 Bihn-goh muft be the vidim-— hap- 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 99 
 
 py, if the facriiice of his fingle life 
 can appeafe the commotions of his 
 country. To him let us impute the 
 lofs of Motao : — let us, in the mean 
 time, foothe the rabble with folemn 
 promifes that national juftice (hall be 
 done ; — let us employ emiffaries to 
 mingle in all places of plebeian re- 
 fort 3 to puzzle, perplex, and preva- 
 ricate ; to exaggerate the mifcondu(5l 
 of Bihn-goh ; to traduce his charac- 
 ter with rctrofpedtive reproach ; ftrain 
 circumftances to his prejudice ; in- 
 flame the refentment of the vulgar 
 againft that devoted officer ^ and 
 keep up the flame by feeding it with 
 continual fuel." 
 
 The fpeech was heard with univer- 
 -fal applaufe : Fokfi-roku was kicked 
 by the Dairo and kifled by the Cu- 
 boy, in token of approbation. The 
 populace were difperfed by means of 
 fair promifes, Bihn-goh was put 
 under arreft, and kept as a malefac- 
 tor in clofe prifon. Agents were 
 F 2 cm-. 
 
lOO T^he Hi/lory ajid 
 
 employed through the whole metro- 
 polis to vilify his charadier, and ac- 
 icufe him of cowardice and treachery. 
 Authors were enlifted to defame him 
 in public writings -, and mobs hired 
 to hang and burn him in efRgie. 
 By thefe means the revenge of the 
 people was artfully transferred, and 
 their attention efle6lually diverted 
 from the miniftry, which was the 
 iirft object of their indignation. At 
 length, matters being duly prepared 
 foj the exhibition of fuch an extraor- 
 dinary fpedlacle, Bihn-goh under- 
 went a public trial, was unanimoufly 
 found guilty, and unanimoufly de- 
 clared innocent ; by the fame mouths 
 condemned to death and recommen- 
 ded to mercy : but mercy was in- 
 compatible with the defigns of the 
 
 ad n. The unfortunate Bihn^ 
 
 goh was crucified for cowardice, and 
 bore his fate with the moft heroic 
 courage. His behaviour at his death 
 %yas fo inconfiftent with the crime 
 
 for 
 
Adventures of an Atom, i o i 
 
 for which he was doomed to die, 
 that the emiflaries of the Cuboy were 
 fain to propagate a report, that Bihn- 
 goh had bribed a perfon to reprefent 
 him at his execution, and be cruci- 
 fied in his ftead. 
 
 This was a ftratagem very well 
 calculated for the meridian of the 
 Japonefe populace ; and it would 
 have fatisfied them intirely, had not 
 their fears been concerned. But the 
 Chinefe had for fome time been 
 threatening an invafion, the terror of 
 which kept the people of Japan in 
 perpetual agitation and difquiet. 
 They neglecfted their bufinefs ; and 
 ran about in diftradlion, inquiring 
 news, liilening to reports, ftaring, 
 whifpering, whimpering, clamour- 
 ing, negledting their food and re- 
 nouncing their repofe. The Dairo, . 
 who believed the Tartars of Yeilb 
 (from whom he himfelf was de- 
 fcended) had more valour, and flcill 
 and honefty, than was poffeffed by 
 
 F 3 any 
 
102 T^he HiJIory and 
 
 any other nation on earth, took a 
 large body of them into his pay, 
 and brought them over to the if- 
 land of Niphon, for the defence 
 of his Japonefe dominions. The 
 truth is, he had a llrong predileffi- 
 on for that people : he had been 
 nurfed among them, and fucked 
 it from the nipple. His father had 
 fucceeded as heir to a paultry farm 
 In that country ; and there he fitted 
 up a cabin, which he preferred to all 
 the palaces of Meaco and Jeddo. 
 The fon received the firft rudiments 
 of his education among thefe Tar- 
 tars, whofe countiy had gi\^n birth 
 to his progenitor Bupo. He there- 
 fore loved their country ^ he admired 
 their manners, becaufe they were 
 conformable to his own \ and he was 
 in particular captivated by the taile 
 they fhewed in trimming and curling 
 their muftachios. 
 
 In full belief that the Yeffites ftood 
 as high in the cftimation of his Ja- 
 ponefe 
 
Adventures of a?i Atom. 103 
 
 ponefe fubjedls, as in his own» he 
 imported a body of them into Ni- 
 phon, where, at lirfl, they were re- 
 ceived as faviours and protecflors -, 
 but the appreheniion of danger na 
 fooner vanifhed, than they were ex- 
 pofed to a thoufand infults and mor- 
 tifications arifing from the natural 
 prejudice to foreigners, which pre- 
 vails among the people of Japan. 
 They were reviled, calumniated, and 
 maltreated in every different form, 
 by every clafs of people ; and when 
 the fevere feafbn fet in, the Japonefe 
 refufed flicker from the extremities 
 of the weather, to thofe very auxi- 
 liaries they had hired to defend every 
 thing that was dear to them, from 
 the fwords of an enemy whom they 
 themfelves durft not look in the face. 
 In vain Fika-kaka employed a double 
 band of artifts to tickle their nofes. 
 They ihut their eyes, indeed, as 
 •ufual : but their eyes no fooner clo- 
 fed, than their mouths opened, and 
 
 F 4 out 
 
104 ^'^^ Hijiory and 
 
 out flew the tropes and figures of" ob- 
 loquy and execration. They ex- 
 claimed, that they had not bought, 
 but caught the Tartar^ that they had 
 hired the wolves to guard the fheep ; 
 that they were fimple beafts who 
 could not defend themfelves from the 
 dog with their own horns -, but what 
 could be expecfled from a flock which 
 was led by fuch a pufillanimous bell- 
 weather ? — In a word, the Yeflites 
 were fent home in difgrace : but the 
 ferment did not fabiide ; and the 
 condud; of the adminifliration was 
 fummoned before the venerable tri- 
 bunal of the populace. 
 
 There was one Taycho, who had 
 raifed himfelf to great confideration 
 in this felf-conftituted college of the 
 mob. He was difliinguiflied by a 
 loud voice, an unabafhed counte- 
 nance, a fluency of abufe, and an 
 intrepidity of oppofition to the mea- 
 fures of the Cuboy, who was far 
 from being a favourite with the ple- 
 beians. 
 
Adventures of an Atom. J 05 
 
 beians. Orator Taycho's eloquence 
 was admirably fuited to his audience; 
 he roared, and he brayed, and he 
 bellowed againft the m — r : he'^threw 
 out perfonal farcafms againft the Dai- 
 ro himfelf. He inveighed againft his 
 partial attachment to the land of 
 Yeflb, which he had more than once 
 manifefted to the detriment of Ja- 
 pan : he inflamed the national pre- 
 judice againft foreigners ; and as he 
 profeifed an inviolable zeal for the 
 commons of Japan, he became the 
 iirft demagogue of the empire. The 
 truth is, he generally happened to be 
 on the right fide. The partiality of 
 the Dairo, the errors^ abfurdities^ 
 and corruption of the miniftry^ 
 prefented fuch a palpable mark as 
 could not be miffed by the arrows of 
 his declamation. This Cerberus had 
 been filenced more than once with a 
 fop ; but whether his appetite wag 
 not fatisfied to the full, or he was 
 ftill ftimulated by the turbulence of 
 
 F 5 
 
io6 TBe Hi/lory and 
 
 his difpofition, which would not al- 
 low him to reft, he began to fhake 
 his chains anew, and open in the old 
 cry ; which was a fpecies of miilick 
 to the mob, as agreeable as the found 
 of a bagpipe to a mountaineer of 
 North Britain,- or the ftrum-ftrumta 
 the fwarthy natives of Angola. It 
 was a ftrain which had the wonderful 
 efFed: of effacing from the memory 
 of his hearers, every idea of his for- 
 mer ficklenefs and apoftacy. 
 
 In order to weaken the eifeft of 
 orator Taycho's harangues, the Cu- 
 feoy had found means to intrude trp- 
 on the councils of the mob, a native 
 of Ximo called Mura-clami, who 
 had acquired fome reputation for elo- 
 quence, as an advocate in the tribu- 
 nals of Japan. He certainly poffef- 
 fed an uncommon iliare of penetra- 
 tion, with a filver tone of voice, and 
 a great magazines of words and 
 phrafes, Vv^hich flowed from him 
 in a pleajinj^tide of elocution. He 
 
 had. 
 
Avent tires of an Atom. toy 
 
 had withal the art of foothing, wheed- 
 ling, infmuating, and miireprefenting 
 withfuch a degree of plaufibility, that 
 his talents were admired even by the 
 few who had fenfe enough to deted: 
 his fophiftry. He had no idea of 
 principle, and no feeling of huma- 
 nity. He had renounced the maxim^s 
 of his family, after having turned 
 them to the beft account by execrat- 
 ing the rites of Fakkubafi or the 
 White Horfe^ in private among mal- 
 contents, w^hile he worihipped him. 
 in public with the appearance of en- 
 thufiaftic devotion,. When detecfted 
 in this double dealing, he fairly 
 owned to the Cuboy, that he curfed 
 the White Horfe in private for his 
 private intereft, but that he ferved 
 him in public from inclination. 
 
 The Cuboy had jull fenfe enough 
 to perceive that he would always be 
 true to his own intereft ; and there- 
 fore he made it his intereft to fervc 
 the m — y to the full extent of his 
 
 F 6 fa- 
 
lo8 "The Hijhry and 
 
 faculties. Accordingly Mura-clami 
 fought a good battle with orator Tay- 
 cho, in the occafional affemblies of 
 the populace. But as it is much 
 more eafy to inflame than to allay, 
 to accufe than to acquit, to afperfe 
 than to purify, to unveil truth than 
 to varniih falfhood ; in a word, to 
 patronize a good caufe than to fup- 
 port a bad one ; the majefty of the 
 mob fnuffed up the excrementitious 
 lalts of Taycho's invedlives, until 
 their jugulars ached, while they re- 
 jecfted with figns of loathing the 
 flowers of Mura-clami's elocution ; 
 juft as a citizen of Edinburgh flops 
 his nofe when he paffes by the fhop 
 of a perfumer. 
 
 While the conftitution of human 
 nature remains unchanged, fa tire 
 will be always better received than 
 panegyric, in thofe popular ha- 
 rangues. The Athenians and Ro- 
 mans were better pleafed with the 
 Philippics of Demoflhenes and TuUy, 
 
 than 
 
Adventure? of an Atom, log 
 
 than they would have been with all 
 the praife thofe two orators could have 
 culled from the ftores of their elo- 
 quence. A man feels a fecret fatis- 
 fad:ion in feeing his neighbour treated 
 as a rafcal. If he be a knave him- 
 felf, (which ten to one is the cafe) 
 he rejoices to fee a charadter brought 
 down to the level of his own, and a 
 new member added to his fociety ; if 
 he be one degree removed from ac- 
 tual roguery, (which is the cafe with 
 nine-tenths of thofe who enjoy the 
 reputation of virtue) he indulges him- 
 felf with the Pharifaical confolation, 
 of thanking God he is not like that 
 publican. 
 
 But, to return from this di- 
 greflion, Mura-clami, though he 
 could not with all his talents main- 
 tain any fort a£ competition with 
 Taycho, in the opinion of the mob ; 
 he, neverthelefs, took a more effec- 
 tual method to weaken the force of 
 his oppofition. He pointed out to 
 3 Fika- 
 
1 1 o T'he Hiftory and 
 
 Fi'ka-kaka the proper means for 
 amending th€ €nors of his admini- 
 ftration : he propofed meafures for 
 profecuting the war with vigour : he 
 projedled plans of conqiieft in Fatlif- 
 fio 'y r-ecoinmended active officers f 
 forwarded expeditions ; and infufed 
 fuch a fpirit into the councils ©f Ja- 
 pan, as had not before appeared for 
 fome centHries. 
 
 But his patron was precluded from 
 the benefit of thefe meafures, by th^ 
 obftinate prejudice and precipitation 
 of the Dairo, who valued his Yeiliaa 
 farm above all the empire of Japan. 
 This precious morfel of inheritance 
 bordered upon the territories of a. 
 Tartar chief called Brut-an-^tiffi, a. 
 famous freebooter, who had inured 
 bis Kurd to bloodflied, and enriched 
 himfelf with rapine. Of all man- 
 kind, he hated moil the Dairo, tho' 
 bis kinfman ; and fought a pretence, 
 for feizing the farm, which in three 
 days he could, have made his own.. 
 
 The: 
 
Adventures of an At cm. 1 1 1 
 
 The Dairo Gothama-baba was net 
 ignorant of his fentiments. He 
 trembled for his cabin when he con- 
 fidered its fituation between hawk 
 and buzzard ; ex;pofed on one fide to 
 the talons of Brut-an-tiffi, and open 
 on the other to the incurfions of the 
 Chinefe, uMer whofe uufpices the 
 faid Brut-an-tiffi liad ad:ed formerly 
 as :a ^jealous partizan. He had, in- 
 deed, in a former quarrel exerted 
 himfelf with foch a(?dvity and ran- 
 cour, to thwart the politics of the 
 Dairo, and accumulate expences on 
 the fubjefts of NipliDn, that he was 
 tiniverfally detefled through the whole^ 
 empire of Japan as a lawlefs robber-, 
 deaf to every fuggeflion of humanity, 
 refpefting no law, reftrifed by no 
 treaLty^ fcofiing at all religion, goaded 
 by ambition, inftigated by cruelty^ 
 and attended by rapine. 
 
 In order to proted the farm from 
 fuch a dangerous neighbour, Gctha- 
 ina-baba, by an effort of ikgacity pe- 
 culiar 
 
1 1 2 'T'he Hijiory and 
 
 culiar to himfelf, granted a large 
 fubfidy from the treafury of Japan, 
 to a remote nation of Mantchoux 
 Tartars, on condition that they 
 fhould march to the affiflance of 
 his farm, whenever it fhould be 
 attacked. With the fame fanity of 
 forelight, the Dutch might engage 
 in a defenlive league with the Otto- 
 man Porte, to fcreen them from the 
 'attempts of the moil Chriftian king, 
 who is already on their frontiers. 
 Brut-an-tiffi knew his advantage, and 
 was refolved to enjoy it. He had 
 formed a plan of ufurpation, which 
 could not be executed without confi- 
 derable fums of money. He gave 
 the Dairo to underftand, he was per- 
 fed:ly fenfible how mucli the farm lay 
 at his mercy : then propofed, that 
 Got-hama-baba fhould renounce his 
 fubfidiary treaty with the Mantchoux ; 
 pay a yearly tribute to him Brut-an- 
 tiffi, in confideration of his forbear- 
 ing to feize the farmj and maintain 
 
 an 
 
Adventures of an Ato?n, 113 
 
 an army to proted; it on the other 
 iide from the irruptions of the Chi- 
 
 Got-hama-baba, alarmed at this 
 declaration, began by his emiffaries 
 to found the inclinations of his Ja- 
 ponefe fubjed:s touching a continen- 
 tal war, for the prefervation of the 
 farm ; but he found them totally 
 averfe to this wife fyftem of politicks. 
 Taycho, in particular, began to 
 bawl and bellow among the mob, 
 upon the abfardity of attempting to 
 defend a remote cabin, which was 
 not defenfible ; upon the iniquity of 
 ruining a mighty empire, for the fake 
 of preferving a few barren acres, a 
 naked common, a poor, pitiful, pelt- 
 ing farm, the interefl of which, like 
 Aaron's rod, had already, on many oc- 
 cafions, fwallowed up all regard and 
 confideration for the advantage of Ja- 
 pan. He inveighed againft the fhameful 
 and fenfelefs partiality of Got-hama- 
 baba : he mingled menaces with his 
 
 repre- 
 
1 1 4 T^he Hiftory and 
 
 reprefentations. He expatiated on 
 the folly and pernicious tendency of 
 a continental war : he enlarged upon 
 the independence of Japan, fecure in 
 her infular lituation. He declared, 
 that not a man ihould be fent to th<5 
 continent, nor a fubfidy granted to 
 any greedy, mercenary, freebooting 
 Tartar; and threatened, that if any 
 corrupt minifter fhould dare to form 
 luch a connexion, he would hang it 
 about his neck, like a millftone, to 
 fink him to perdition. The bellows 
 of Taycho's oratory blew up fuch a 
 flame in the nation, that the Cuboy 
 and ail his partisans were afraid to 
 whifper one fy liable about the farm. 
 
 Mean while Brut-an-tiffi, in order 
 to qoiicken their determinations, 
 withdrew the garrifon he had in 
 a town on the frontiers of China, and 
 rt was immediately occupied by the 
 Chinefe ;' an army of whom poured 
 in like a deluge through this opening 
 upon the lands adjoining to the farm. 
 
 Got- 
 
Adventures of an Atom, ii^ 
 
 Got-hama-baba v/as now feized with 
 a fit of temporary diftracftion. He 
 foamed and raved, and curfed and 
 fwore in the Tartarian language : 
 he declared he would challenge Brut- 
 iin-tiffi to fingle combat. He not 
 only kicked, but alfo cuffed the 
 whole council of Twenty-Eight, 
 and played at foot-ball with his im- 
 perial tiara. Fika-kaka was dumb- 
 founded : Sti-phi-rum-poo muttered 
 fomething about a commifiion of lu- 
 nacy : Nin-kom-poo-po pronounced 
 the words flat-bottomed junks \ but 
 his teeth chattered fo mucli, that hi^ 
 meaning could not be underftood^ 
 The Fatzraan offei'ed to crofs the iea 
 and put himfelf at the head of a body 
 of light horfe, to obferve the rAotions 
 of the enemy ^ and Gotto-mio prayed 
 fervently within himfelf, that God 
 Almighty would be pleafed to anni- 
 hilate that accurled farm, which had 
 been produftive of fuch mifchief to 
 Japan. Nay, he even ventured to 
 
 ex- 
 
ii6 I'he Hijiory and 
 
 exclaim, *' Would to God, the farm 
 was funk in the middle of the Tar- 
 tarian ocean !" ^* Heaven forbid ! 
 (cried the prefident Soo-fan-lin-o) 
 for in that cafe, Japan mull be at the 
 expence of weighing it up again." 
 
 In the midft of this perplexity, 
 they were fuddenly furprifed at the 
 apparition of Taycho's head nodding- 
 from a window that overlooked their 
 deliberations. At fieht of this hor- 
 
 o 
 
 rid fpedlacle the council broke up. 
 The Dairo fled to the inmoft recefTes 
 of the palace, and all his counfellors 
 t^anilTied, except the unfortunate Fi- 
 ka-kaka, whofe fear had rendered 
 him incapable of any fort of motion 
 but one, and that he inftantly had 
 to a very efficacious degree. Tay- 
 cho bolting in at the window, ad- 
 vanced to the Cuboy without cere- 
 mony, and accofted him in thefc 
 words : ** It depends upon the Cu- 
 boy, whether Taycho continues to 
 oppofe his meafures, or becomes his 
 
 moit 
 
Adventures of an Atonu 117 
 
 molt obfequious fervant. Arife, il- 
 luftrious Quanbuku, and caft your 
 eyes upon the fteps by which I af- 
 cended." Accordingly Fika-kaka 
 looked, and faw a multitude of peo- 
 ple who had accompanied their 
 orator into the court of the palace, 
 and raifed for him an occafional ftair 
 of various implements. The firft ftep 
 was made by an old fig-box, the fe- 
 cond by a nightman's bucket, the 
 third by a cask of hempfeed, the 
 fourth by a tar-barrel, the fifth by an 
 empty kilderkin, the fixth by a keg, 
 the feventh by a bag of foot, the 
 eighth by a fifli woman's basket, the 
 ninth by a rotten pack-faddle, and 
 the tenth by a block of hard wood 
 from the ifland of Fatfiffio. It was 
 fupported on one fide by a varniihed 
 lettered poft, and on the other by 
 a crazy hogfhead. The artificers 
 who erected this climax, and now 
 exulted over it with hideous clamour, 
 confilled of grocers, fcavengers, hal- 
 ter- 
 
1 1 8 ^he Hijlory and 
 
 ter-makers, carpenters, draymen, 
 diftillers, chimney-fweepers, oyfter- 
 women, afs-drivers, aldermen, and 
 dealers in wafle paper. — To make 
 myfelf underflood, I am obliged. Pea- 
 cock, to make ufe of thole terms 
 and denominations which are known- 
 in this metropolis. 
 
 Fika-kaka, having coniidered this 
 work with aftonifhment, and heard 
 the populace declare upon oath, that 
 'they would exalt their orator above 
 all competition, was again addreiTed 
 by the invincible Taycho. ** Your 
 <^anbuku{hip perceives how boot- 
 lefs it will be to ftrive againft the tor- 
 rent. — What need is there of many 
 words ? admit me to a fhare of the 
 
 adminiftration 1 will commence 
 
 your humble Have — I will protedt 
 the farm at th€ expence of Japan, 
 while there is an Oban left in the 
 illand of Niphon ; and I will muz- 
 zle thefe bears fo effeftually, that 
 they fhall not fliew their teeth, ex- 
 cept 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 1 1 9 
 
 cept in applauding our proceedings.** 
 An author who fees the apparition 
 of a baihff ftandino: before him in 
 his garret, and in Head of being 
 fliewn a capias^ is prefented with a 
 banknote; an impatient lover flopped 
 upon Bagfliot heath by a perfon in a 
 mafque, who proves to be his fweet- 
 heart come to meet him in difguife, 
 for the fake of the frolick ; a con- 
 demned criminal, who, on the 
 morning of execution-day, inftead 
 of being called upon by the finifher 
 of the law, is vifited by the flieriff 
 with a free pardon ; could not be 
 more agreeably furprifed than was 
 Fika-kaka at the demagogue's de- 
 claration. He flew into his em- 
 brace and wept aloud with joy, cal- 
 ling him his dear Taycho. He 
 fqueezed his hand, kiifed him on 
 both cheeks, and fwore he ihould 
 (hare the better half of all his pov/- 
 cr : then he laughed and fnivelled 
 by turns, lolled out his tongue, 
 
 waddled 
 
I20 'The liijlory and 
 
 waddled about the chamber, wrig- 
 gled and niggled and noddled. Fi- 
 nally, he undertook to prepare the 
 Dairo for his reception, and it was 
 agreed that the orator fliould wait on 
 his new colleague next morning.^— 
 This matter being fettled to their 
 mutual fatisfa6lion, Taycho retreated 
 through the window into the court- 
 yard, and Vv^as convoyed home in 
 triumph by that many-headed hydra 
 the mob, which ihook its multitudi- 
 nous tail, and brayed through every 
 throat with hideous exultation. 
 
 The Cuboy, mean while, had an- 
 other trial to undergo, a trial which 
 he had not forefeen. Taycho was 
 no fooner departed, than he hied him 
 to the Dairo's cabinet, in order to 
 communicate the happy fuccefs of 
 his negotiation. But at certain pe- 
 riods, Got-hama-babas refentment 
 was more than a match for any other 
 paffion that belonged to his difpofi- 
 tion, and now it was its turn to 
 
 reign. 
 
Advmt tires of an Ato?n, liai 
 
 reign. The Dairowas made of very 
 combuftible materials, and thefe had 
 been kindled up by the appearance 
 of orator Taycho, who (he knew) 
 had treated his perfon with indecent 
 freedoms, and publickly vilified the 
 worfliip of the White Horfe. When 
 Fika-kaka, therefore, told him he 
 had made peace with the demagogue, 
 the Dairo, inftead of giving him the 
 kick of approbation, turned his own 
 back upon the Cuboy, and filenced 
 him with a boh ! Had Fika-kaka af- 
 failed him with the fame fyllogifti- 
 cal fophifm which was ufed by the 
 Stagyrite to Alexander in a paffion, 
 perhaps he might have liftened to 
 reaion : « l^yh « 'tt^q^ 'iV«?, akka otfo^ t^^ 
 K^iflravA'; ytvnctti So< cTi kcTs/? '''ktq^. — ^* An- 
 ger fhould be raifed not by our 
 equals, but by our fuperiors j but 
 you have no equal."— Certain it is, 
 that Got-hama-baba had no equal ; 
 butFika-kakawas no more like Arif- 
 totle, than his mafter refembled 
 Vol. I. G Alex- 
 
122 T'he nijlory a?id 
 
 Alexander. The Dairo remained 
 deaf to all his remonftrances, tears, 
 and intreaties, until he declared that 
 there was no other way of faving the 
 farm, but that of giving charte 
 hlanche to Taycho. This argument 
 feemed at once to difpel the clouds 
 which had been compelled by his in- 
 dignation : he confented to receive 
 the orator in quality of minifler, and 
 next day was appointed for his intro- 
 dudlion. 
 
 In the morning Taycho the Great 
 repaired to the palace of the Cuboy, 
 where he privately performed the 
 ceremony of ofculation a pojieriori, 
 fung a folemn Palinodia on the fub- 
 je6t of political fyftem, repeated and 
 iigned the Buponian creed, embraced 
 the religion of Fakkubali, and adored 
 the White Horfe with marks of un- 
 feigned piety and contrition. Then 
 he was conducted to the antichamber 
 of the emperor, who could not, with- 
 out great difficulty, fo far mafter 
 
 his 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 1 2;^ 
 
 Lis perfonal diflike, as to appear be- 
 fore him with any degree of compo- 
 fure. He was brought forth by Fi- 
 ka-kaka hke a tame bear to the ilake, 
 if that epithet of ta'tne can be given 
 with any propriety to an animal 
 which no body but his keeper dares 
 approach. The orator perceiving 
 him advance, made a low obeifance 
 according to the cuftom of Japan, 
 that is, by bending the body averfe 
 from the Dairo, and laying the right 
 hand upon the left buttock ; and 
 pronounced with an audible voice, 
 ^' Behold, invincible Got-hama-ba- 
 ba, a fincere penitent come to make 
 atonement for his virulent oppofition 
 to your government, for his atroci- 
 ous infolence to your facred perfon. 
 I have calumniated your favourite 
 farm, I have queflioned your inte- 
 grity, I have vilified your charac- 
 ter, ridiculed your underftanding, 
 and defpifed your authority" — This 
 recapitulation was fo difagreeable to 
 G 2 the 
 
'124 ^^^^ Hijiory and 
 
 'the Dairo, that he fuddenly flew off 
 -at a tangent, and retreated growling 
 to his den , from whence he could 
 by no means be lugged again by the 
 Cuboy, until Taycho, exalting his 
 voice, uttered thefe words : — ** But 
 I will exalt your authority more than 
 ever it was debafed — I will extol 
 your wifdom, and expatiate on your 
 generofity ; I will glorify the White 
 Horfe, and facrifice all the treafures 
 of Japan, if needful, for the protec- 
 tion of the farm of Yeflb." By 
 thefe cabaliflical founds the wrath of 
 Got-hama-baba was intirely ap- 
 peafed. He now returned with an 
 air of gaiety, flrutting, fideling, 
 circling, fluttering, and cobbling like 
 a turkey-cock in his pride, when he 
 difplays his feathers to the fun. 
 Taycho hailed the omen ; and turning 
 his face from the emperor^ received 
 fuch a falutation on the os facruniy 
 that the parts continued vibrating 
 and tingling for feveral days. 
 
 An 
 
Adventures of an Ai cm* 125 
 
 An indenture tripartite was now 
 drawn up and executed. Fika-kaka 
 was continued treafurer, with his 
 Icv^ees, his Bonzas, and his places ; 
 and orator Taycho undertook, in the 
 character of chief fcribe, to protedt 
 the farm of Yeflb, as welt as to bridle 
 and manage the blatant beaft whofe 
 name was Legion, That a perfon. 
 of his kidney fhould have the pre- 
 fumption to undertake fuch an affair, 
 is not at all furprifing ; the wonder 
 is, that his performance fhould even 
 exceed his promife. The truth is, 
 he promifed more than he could have 
 performed, had not certain unfore- 
 XQtn incidents, in which he had no 
 concern, contributed towards the 
 infatuation of the people. 
 
 The iirft trial to which he brought 
 his afcendency over the mob, was 
 his procuring from them a free gift, 
 to enable the Dairo to arm his own 
 private tenants in Yeffo, together 
 with fome ragamuffin Tartars in tho 
 
 G 3 neigh- 
 
J 26 Ihe Hijlory and 
 
 neighbourhood, for the defence of 
 the farm. They winked fo hard up- 
 on this firfl overt-adl of his apof- 
 tacy, that he was fully perfuaded 
 they had refigned up all their fenfes 
 to his dired:ion ; and refolved to fliew 
 them to all Europe, as a furpriiing 
 inftance of his art in monfter-tam- 
 ing. This furious beaft not only 
 fuffered itfelf to be bridled and fad- 
 died, but frifked and fawned, and 
 purred and yelped, and crouched be- 
 fore the orator, licking his feet, and 
 prefenting its back to the burthens 
 which he was pleafed to impofe. 
 Immediately after this firft effay, 
 Qamba-cun-dono the Fatzman was 
 fent over to afTemble and command 
 a body of light horfe in YefTo, in or- 
 der to keep an eye on the motions of 
 the enemy; and indeed this vigilant 
 and fagacious commander conduifled 
 himfelf with fuch activity and dif- 
 cretion, that he foon brought the 
 \tar in thofe parts to a point of ter- 
 mination* 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 1 27 
 
 Mean while, Brut-an-tifli conti- 
 nuing to hover on the skirts of the 
 farm, at the head of his myrmidons, 
 and demanding of the Dairo a cate- 
 gorical anfwer to the hints he had 
 given, Got-hama-baba underv^ent 
 feveral fucceffive fits of impatience 
 and diftradtion. The Cuboy, infti- 
 gated by his own partizans, and in 
 particular by Mura-clami, who hoped 
 to fee Taycho take fome defperate 
 ftep that would ruin his popularity ; 
 I fay the Cuboy, thus ftimulated, 
 began to ply the orator with fuch 
 preffing intreaties as he could no lon- 
 ger refift ; and now he exhibited 
 fuch a fpecimen of his own power 
 and the people's infanity, as tran- 
 fcends the flight of ordinary faith.' 
 Without taking the trouble to fcratch 
 their long ears, tickle their nofes, 
 drench them with mandragora or 
 geneva, or make the leaft apology 
 for his own turning tail to the prin- 
 ciples which he had all his life fo 
 
 G 4 ftre- 
 
128 7he WJiory and 
 
 ftrenuoufly inculcated, he crammed 
 down their throats an obligation ta 
 pay a yearly tribute to Brut-an- 
 tiffi, in coniideration of his forbear- 
 ing to feize the Dairo's farm; a tri- 
 bute which amounted to feven times 
 the value of the lands, for the de- 
 fence of which it was payed. When 
 I iliid cra??2med, I ought to have ufed 
 another phrafe. The beaft, far from 
 fhewing any figns of loathing, clofed 
 its eyes, opened its hideous jaws, 
 and as it fwallowed the inglorious 
 bond, wagged its tail in token of in- 
 tire fatisfadtion. 
 
 No fritter on Shrove Tuefday wa* 
 ever more dexteroufly turned, than 
 were the hydra*s brains by this 
 mountebank in patriotifm, this jug- 
 gler in politicks, this cat in pan, or 
 cake in pan, or kato. ttav in principle. 
 Some people gave out that he dealt 
 with a conjurer, and others fcrupled 
 not to iniinuate that he had fold him- 
 felf to the evil fpirit. But there was 
 
 no 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 1^9- 
 
 no cccaiion for a conjurer to deceive 
 thofe whom the daemon of folly had^ 
 previoufly confounded; and as to 
 felling, he fold nothing but the in- 
 tereft of his country y and of that he 
 made a very bad bargain. Be that 
 as it may, the Japonefe now viewed 
 Brut-an-tiffi either through a new 
 perfped:ive5 or elfe furveyed him with 
 organs intirely metamorphofed. Yef- 
 terday they detefled him as a profli- 
 gate ruffian loft to all fenfe of honefty 
 and fhame, addi(5ted to all manner 
 of vice, a fcofFer at religion, parti- 
 cularly that of Fakkubafi, the fcourge 
 of human nature, and the inveterate 
 enemy of Japan. To-day, they 
 elorified him as an unblemifhcd he- 
 ro, the proted:or of good faith, the 
 mirror of honefty, the pattern of 
 every virtue, a faint in piety, a de- 
 vout votary to the White Horfe, a 
 friend to mankind, the faft ally and 
 the firmeft prop of the Japonefe 
 empire, 
 
 G 5 the 
 
J 30 ^he Hijiory and 
 
 The farm of YefTo, which they 
 had fo long execrated as a pu- 
 trid and painful excrefcence upon 
 the breech of their country, which 
 would never be quiet until this curfed 
 wart was either exterminated or 
 taken away j they now fondled as a 
 favourite mole, nay, and cherifhed 
 as the apple of their eye. One would 
 have imagined that all the inconfift- 
 encies and abfurdities which charac- 
 terife the Japonefe nation, had takert 
 their turns to reign, juft as the in- 
 terefl: of Taycho's ambition required. 
 When it was neceffary for him to 
 cllabifh new principles, at that very 
 inftant their levity prompted them 
 to renounce their former maxims. 
 Juft as he had occafion to fafcinate 
 their fenfes, the dasmon of caprice 
 inftigated them to fliut their eyes, 
 and hold out their necks, that they 
 might be led by the nofe. At the 
 very nick of time when he adopted 
 the caufe of Brut-an-tiffi, in diame- 
 trical 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 131 
 
 trical oppofition to all his former 
 profeffions, the fpirit of whim and 
 fingularity difpofed them to kick 
 againft the fhins of common itnk^ 
 deny the light of day at noon, and 
 receive in their bofoms as a dove, the 
 man before w^hom they had fhunned 
 as a ferpent. Thus every thing con- 
 curred to eftablifh for orator Tay- 
 cho, a defpotifm of popularity ; and 
 that not planned by reafon, or raifed 
 by art, but founded on fatality and 
 finifhed by accident, ^ws Jupiter 
 vult perdere prizes dementat. 
 
 Brut-an-tiffi being fo amply gra- 
 tified by the Japonefe for his promife 
 of forbearance v^ith refped: to the 
 farm of Yeffo, and determined, at 
 all events, to make fome new acqui- 
 fition, turned his eyes upon the do- 
 mains of Pol-haflan-akoufti, an- 
 other of his neighbours, who had 
 formed a moft beautiful colony in . 
 this part of Tartary ; and ruflied up- 
 on it at a minute's warning. His 
 G 6 re- 
 
132 T^he Hijiory and 
 
 relblution in this refpedt was fo fud- 
 denly taken and quickly executed, 
 that he had not yet formed any ex- 
 cufe for this outrage, in order to 
 fave appearances. Without giving 
 himfelf the trouble to invent a pre- 
 tence, he drove old Pol-haflan-a- 
 koufli out of his refidence ; com- 
 pelled the domeftics of that prince 
 to enter among his own banditti ; 
 plundered his houfe, feized the ar- 
 chives of his family, threatened to 
 ilioot the antient gentlewoman his 
 wife, exadted heavy contribution 
 from the tenants ; then difperfed a 
 manifefto in which he declared him- 
 felf the befl: friend of the faid Akoufti 
 and his fpoufe, afTuring him he would 
 take care of his eftate as a precious 
 depoiit to be reftored to him in due 
 feafon. In the mean time, bethought 
 proper to fequefter the rents, that 
 they might not enable Pol-hallan to 
 take any meafures that fhould con- 
 duce to bis own prejudice. As for 
 
 the 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 133 
 
 the articles of meat, drink, clothing, 
 and lodging, for him and his wife 
 and a large family of fmall children, 
 he had nothing to do but depend 
 upon Providence, until the prefent 
 troubles fliould be appeafed. His 
 behaviour on this occafion. Peacock, 
 puts me in mind of the Spaniard 
 v/hom Philip II. employed to affaf- 
 finate his own fon Don Carlos. This 
 compaffionate Caftilian, when the 
 prince began to deplore his fate, 
 twirled his muflachio, pronouncing 
 with great gravity thefe words of 
 comfort : ** C allay c allay Senor, toda 
 que fe haze es por Ju bien'* " I beg 
 your highncfs won't make any noife; 
 this is all for your own good :" or 
 the politenefs of Gibbet in the play 
 called the Beaux Stratagem, who fiys 
 to Mrs. Sullen, " Your jewels. Ma- 
 dam, if you pleafe — don't be under 
 any uneafinefs. Madam — if you make 
 any noife, I fliall blow your brains 
 out — I have a particular regard for 
 the ladies, Madam." 
 
134 ^^^ Hijlory and 
 
 But the pofleflion of Pol-haffan's 
 demefnes was not the ultimate aim 
 of Brut-an-tifli. He had an eye to 
 a fair and fertile province belonging 
 to a Tartar princefs of the houfe of 
 Oftrog. He faw himfelf at the head 
 of a numerous banditti trained to 
 war, fieflied in carnage, and eager 
 for rapine ; his coffers were filled 
 with the fpoils he had gathered in 
 his former freebooting expeditions ; 
 and the incredible fums payed him 
 as an annual tribute from Japan, 
 added to his other advantages, ren- 
 dered him one of the moft formi- 
 dable chiefs in all Tartary.. Thus 
 elated with the confcioufnefs of his 
 own ftrength, he refolved to make a 
 fudden irruption into the dominions 
 of Oflrog, at a feafon of the year 
 when that houfe could not avail itfelf 
 of the alliances they had formed 
 with other powers ; and he did not 
 doubt but that, in a few weeks, he 
 ihould be able to fubdue the whole 
 
 coun- 
 
Adventure!^ of an Atom, 135 
 
 country belonging to the Amazonian 
 princefs. But I can tell thee. Pea- 
 cock, his views extended even far- 
 ther than the conqueft of the Oftrog 
 dominions. He even afpired at the 
 empire of Tartary, and had formed 
 the defign of depoiing the great Cham, 
 v^ho was intimately connecfhed with 
 the princefs of Oftrog. Infpired by 
 thefe projed:s, he, at the beginning 
 of winter, fuddenly poured like a 
 deluge into one of the provinces that 
 owned this Amazon's fway i but he 
 had hardly gained the paiTes of the 
 mountains, when he found himfelf 
 oppofed by a numerous body of 
 forces, affembled under the com- 
 mand of a celebrated general, who 
 gave him battle without helitation, 
 and handled him fo roughly, that 
 he was fain to retreat into the de- 
 mefnes of Pol-hailan, where he 
 fpent the greateft part of the winter 
 in exadling contributions and ex- 
 tending the reign of defolation. 
 
 All 
 
136 ^he Hijiory and 
 
 All the petty princes and ftates 
 who hold of the great Cham, began 
 to tremble for their dominions, and 
 the Cham himfelf was fo much 
 alarmed at the lawlefs proceedings 
 of Brut-an-tiffi, that he convoked a 
 general afTembly of all the poten- 
 tates who poffeffed fiefs in the em- 
 pire, in order to deliberate upon 
 meafures for reilraining the ambition 
 of this ferocious freebooter. Among 
 others, the Dairo of Japan, as lord 
 of the farm of Yeffo, fent a deputy 
 to this convention, who, in liis maf~ 
 ter*s name, folemnly difciaimed and 
 profeiTed his deteilation of Brut-an- 
 tiffi's proceedings, which, indeed, 
 were univerfally condemned. The 
 truth is, he, at this period, dreadi^d 
 the refentment of all the other co- 
 eflates rather more than he feared the 
 menaces of Brut-an-tiffi ; and, in 
 particular, apprehended a fentence 
 of outlawry from the Cham, by 
 which at once he would have for- 
 feited 
 
Adventures of an Atom. i'>^j 
 
 feited all legal title to his beloved 
 farm. Brut-an-tiffi, on the other 
 hand, began to raife a piteous cla- 
 mour, as if he meant to excite com- 
 paflion. He declaimed himfelf a poor 
 injured prince, who had been a dupe 
 to the honefty and humanity of his 
 own heart. He affirmed that the 
 Amazon of Oftrog had entered into 
 a confpiracy againft him, with the 
 Mantchoux Tartars, and prince 
 Akoufti : he publiflied particulars of 
 this dreadful conjuration, which ap- 
 peared to be no other than a defen- 
 five alliance formed in the apprehen- 
 lion that he would fall upon fome of 
 them, without any regard to treaty, 
 as he had done on a former occafion, 
 when he feized one of the Amazon's- 
 befl provinces. He publickly taxed 
 the Dairo of Japan with having 
 prompted him to commence hofti- 
 lities, and hinted that the faid Dairo 
 was to have fhared his conquefts. 
 He openly intreated his co-eflates to 
 
 in- 
 
138 The Htjiory and 
 
 interpofe their influence towards the 
 re-eftablifliment of peace in the em- 
 pire ; and gave them privately to 
 underftand, that he would ravage 
 their territories without mercy, 
 fhould they concur with the Cham 
 in any fentence to his prejudice. 
 
 As he had miicarried in his firft at- 
 tempt, and perceived a terrible cloud 
 gathering around him, in all proba- 
 bility he would have been glad to 
 compound matters at this jund:ure, 
 on condition of being left in Jiatii 
 quOy but this was a condition not to 
 be obtained. The princefs of Of- 
 trog had by this time formed fuch a 
 confederacy, as threatened him with 
 utter deftrud:ion. She had contracted 
 an ofFenlive and defenfive alliance 
 w!th the Chinefe, the Mantchoux, 
 and the Serednee Tartars ; and each 
 of thefe powers engaged to furniih a 
 feparate army to humble the info-* 
 lence of Brut-an-tiffi. The majority 
 of the Tartar fiefs agreed to raife a 
 
 body 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 139 
 
 body of forces to ad: againft him as 
 a difturber of the pubHck peace ; 
 the great Cham threatened him with 
 a decree of outlawry and rebelHon ^ 
 and the Amazon herfelf oppofed him 
 at the head of a very numerous and 
 warhke tribe, which had alwavs 
 been coniidered as the moft formi- 
 dable in that part of Tartary. Thus 
 powerfully fuftained, flie refolved to 
 enjoy her revenge j and at any rate 
 retrieve the province which had been 
 raviihed from her by Brut-an-tiffi, at a. 
 time when flie was embarraffed with 
 other difficulties. Brut-an-tiffi did not 
 think himfelf io reduced as to pur- 
 chafe peace with fuch a facrifice. The 
 Mantchoux were at a great diflance, 
 naturally flow in their motions, and 
 had a very long march through a de- 
 fert country, which they would not 
 attempt without having firft provided 
 prodigious magazines. The Sered- 
 nee were a divided people, among 
 whom he had made Ihift to foment 
 
 in- 
 
140 T'he Hijiory and 
 
 intefline divifions, that would im- 
 pede the national operations of the 
 war. The Japonefe Fatzman formed 
 a ftrong barrier between him and the 
 Chinefe ; the army furnifhed by the 
 fiefs, he defpifed as raw, undifci- 
 plined militia : beiides, their de- 
 claring againft him afforded a fpe- 
 cious pretence for laying their re- 
 fpedtive dominions under contribu- 
 tion. But he chiefly depended up- 
 on the coffers of Japan, which he 
 firmly believed would hold out until 
 all his enemies fhould be utterly ex- 
 haufted. 
 
 ' As this freebooter was a principal 
 character in the drama which I in- 
 tend to rehearfe, I fliall ficetch his 
 portrait according to the information 
 I received from a fellow-atom who 
 once refided at his court, conftitu- 
 ting part in one of the organs be- 
 longing to his firft chamberlain. 
 His ilature was under the middle 
 fize ; his afpedt mean and forbid- 
 
 ting 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 141 
 
 ding, with a certain expreffion which 
 did not at all prepoflefs the fped:ator 
 in favour of his morals. Had an ac- 
 curate obferver beheld him without 
 any exterior diftindiions, in the ftreets 
 of this metropolis, he would have 
 naturally clapped his hands to his 
 pockets. Thou haft iz^n the cha- 
 radler of Gibbet reprefented on the 
 ilage by a late comedian of expref- 
 iive feature. Nature fometimes 
 makes a ftrange contraft between the 
 interior workmanfhip and the exte- 
 rior form y but here the one refled:ed 
 a true image of the other. His heart 
 never felt an impreffion of tender- 
 nefs : his notions of right and wrong 
 did not refer to any idea of benevo- 
 lence, but were founded entirely on 
 the convenience of human commerce ; 
 and there was nothing focial in the 
 turn of his difpolition. By nature he 
 was ftern, infolent, and rapacious, 
 uninfluenced by any motive of hu- 
 manity ; unawed by any precept of 
 
 re- 
 
142 T'he Hijlory and 
 
 religion. With refpedl to religion, 
 he took all opportunities of expofing 
 it to ridicule and contempt. Liberty 
 of confcience he allowed to fuch ex- 
 tent, as exceeded the bounds of de- 
 corum and difgraced all legiflation. 
 He pardoned a criminal convidled of 
 beftiality, and publickly declared that 
 all modes of religion, and every fpe- 
 cies of amour, might be freely prac- 
 tifed and profecuted through all his 
 dominions. His capacity was of the 
 middling mould, and he had taken 
 fome pains to cultivate his under- 
 ftanding. He had ftudied the Chi- 
 nefe language, which he fpoke with 
 fluency, and piqued himfelf upon his 
 learning, which was but fuperficial. 
 His temper was fo capricious and in- 
 conftant, that it was impoffible even 
 for thofe who knew him beft, to fore- 
 fee any one particular of his perfonal 
 demeanour. The fame individual 
 he would carefs and infult by turns, 
 without the leafl apparent change of 
 
 cir- 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 143 
 
 circumftance. He has been known 
 to difmifs one of his favourites with 
 particular marks of regard, and the 
 moft flattering profeflions of affec- 
 tion ; and before he had time to pull 
 off his bufkins at his own houfe, he 
 has been hurried on horfeback by a 
 detachment of cavalry, and conveyed 
 to the frontiers. Thus harraffed, 
 without refreihment or repofe, he 
 was brought back by > another party, 
 and reconveyed to the prefence of 
 Brut-an-tiffi, who embraced him at 
 meeting, and gently chid him for 
 having been fo long abfent.— The 
 fixed principles of this Tartar were 
 thefe : infatiable rapacity, reftlefs 
 ambition, and an infuperable con- 
 tempt for the Japonefe nation. His 
 maxims of government were entirely 
 defpotic. He confidered his fubjeds 
 as flaves, to be occafionally facrificed 
 to the accomplifhment of his capital 
 defigns ; but, in the mean time, he 
 indulged them with the protedion 
 
 4 of 
 
142 T^he HiJIory and 
 
 of equitable laws, and encouraged 
 them to induftry for his own emolu- 
 ment. 
 
 His virtues conlifted of tempe* 
 ranee, vigilance, adlivity, and per- 
 feverance. His folly chiefly appeared 
 in childifli vanity and felf-conceit. 
 He amufed himfelf with riding, re- 
 viewing his troops, reading Chinefe 
 authors, playing on a mufical inftru- 
 ment in ufe a^nong the Tartars, tri- 
 fling with buffoons, converfing with 
 fuppofed wits, and reafoning with 
 pretended philofophers : but he had 
 no communication with the female 
 fex ; nor, indeed, was there any 
 eafe, comfort, or enjoyment to be 
 derived from a participation of his 
 paflime. His wits, philofophers, 
 and buffoons, were compofed of 
 Chinefe refugees, who foon difco- 
 vered his weak fide, and flattered his 
 vanity to an incredible pitch of infa- 
 tuation. They perfuaded him that 
 he was an univerfal genius, an invin- 
 cible 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 143 
 
 cible hero, a fage leglflator, a fublime 
 philofopher, a confummate politician, 
 a divine poet,- and an elegant hifto- 
 rian. They wrote fyftems, compiled 
 memoirs, and compofed poems, which 
 were publiilied in his name ; nay, 
 they ccatrived witticifms, which he 
 uttered as"hi:s own.- — They had, by 
 means of commercial communicatiori 
 with the banks of the Ganges, pro- 
 cured the hiftory of a Weflern hero, 
 called Rallcalander, which, indeed, 
 was no other than the Memoirs of 
 Alexander wrote by Quintus Cur- 
 tius, tranflated from the Indian lan- 
 guage, with an intermixture af Ori- 
 ental fables. This they recommended 
 with many hyperbolical encomiums 
 to the perufal of Brut-an-tifii, who 
 became enamoured of the perfor- 
 mance, and was fired with the ambi- 
 tion of rivalling, if rnot excelling 
 Ralkalander, not only as a warrior, 
 but likewife as a patron of tafte and 
 . Vol. I. H a pro- 
 
146 "The Hijlory and 
 
 a proteftor of the liberal arts. As 
 Alexander depofited Homer's Iliad 
 in a precious calket ; fo Brut-an- 
 tifE procured a golden box for pre- 
 ferving this fophiftication of Quintus 
 Curtius. It was his conftant com- 
 panion : he afFeifled to read it in pub* 
 lie ; and to lay it under his pillow at 
 night. 
 
 Thus pampered with adulation 
 and intoxicated with dreams of con- 
 qucft, he made no doubt of being 
 able to eftablidi a new empire in 
 Tartary, which fhould entirely eclipfe 
 the kingdom of Tum-ming-qua, and 
 raife a reputation that fliould infi- 
 nitely tranfcend tlie fame of Yan, or 
 any emperor that ever fat upon the 
 throne of Thibet. He now took the 
 field againft the Amazon of the houfe 
 of Oftrog; penetrated into her domi- 
 nions > defeated on<e of her generals 
 in a pitched bittle ; and undertook 
 the fiege of one of her principal 
 
 cities. 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 547 
 
 cities, in full confidence of feeing her 
 kneeling at his gate before theend 
 of the campaign. In the mean time, 
 her fcattered troops were rallied and 
 reinforced by another old, experi- 
 enced commander, who being well 
 acquainted with the genius of his 
 adverfary, pitched upon an advan- 
 tageous fituation, where he waited 
 for another attack. Brut-an-tiffi, 
 flufhed with his former viftory, and 
 firmly perfuaded that no mortal 
 power could withftand his prowefs, 
 gave him battle at a very great dif- 
 advantage. The confequence was 
 natural : — he loft great part of his aF- 
 my ', was obliged to abandon the 
 fiege, and retreat with difgrace. A 
 feparate body, commanded by one 
 of his ableft captains, met with the 
 ■ fame fate in a neighbouring coun- 
 try 'y and a third detachment at the 
 fartheft extremity of his dominions, 
 having attacked an army of the 
 H 2 , M*nt- 
 
148 ^he Hljlory and 
 
 Manteboux, was repulfcd v/ith great 
 lofs. 
 
 Thefe were not all the mortifica- 
 tions to which he was expofed about 
 this period. The Fatzman of Japan, 
 who had formed an army for the de- 
 fence of the farm of Yeffo againftthe 
 Chinefe, met with a terrible difafter. 
 Notwithflanding his being outnum^- 
 bered by the enemy, he exhibited many 
 proofs of uncommon adivity and va- 
 lour. At length they came to blow^s 
 with him, and handled him fo 
 roughly, that he was fain to retreat 
 from port: to pillar, and leave the 
 farm at their mercy. Had he pur- 
 fued his route to the right, he might 
 have found fhelter in the dominions- 
 of Brut-an-tiffi, and this was his in- 
 tention y but, inftead of marching 
 in a ftraight line, he revolved to the 
 right, like a planet round the fun, 
 impelled as it were by a compound 
 impulfe, until he had dsfcribed a re- 
 gular 
 
Aiiventures of an Atom, \ 4.9 
 
 gular femicircle ; and then he found 
 himfelf with all his followers en- 
 gaged in a flieep-pen, from whence- 
 there was no egrefs j for the enemy, 
 who followed his fteps, immediately 
 blocked up the entrance. The un- 
 fortunate Fatzman being thus pound- 
 ed, muft have fallen a facrifice to his 
 centripetal force, had not he been 
 delivered by the interpofition of a 
 neighbouring chief, who prevailed 
 upon the Chinefe general to let 
 Qiiamba-cun-dono efcape, provided 
 his followers would lay dow^n their 
 arms, and return peaceably to their 
 own habitations. This was a bitter 
 pill, which the Fatzman was obliged 
 to fwallow, and is faid to have coft 
 him five flonc of fuet. He returned 
 to Japan in obfcurity ; the Chinefe 
 general took poffeffion of the farm 
 in the name of his emperor ; and all 
 the damage which the tenants fuf- 
 tained, w^as nothing more than a 
 H 3 change 
 
J 50 ^'he Hljiory and 
 
 change of maftcrs, which they had 
 fio great caufe to regret. 
 
 To the thinking part of the Japa- 
 nefe, nothing could be more agree- 
 able than this event, by which they 
 were at once delivered from a perni- 
 cious excrefcence, which, like an 
 ulcerated tumour, exhaulled the 
 juices of the body by which it was 
 i<tA. Brut-an-tith confidered the 
 traniadion in a different point of 
 view. Ht forefaw that the Chincfe 
 ibrces v/ould now be at liberty to 
 join his enemies, the tribe of Of- 
 trog, with whom the Chinefe empe- 
 ror was intimately connected ; and 
 that it would be next to impoi3ible 
 to withftand the joint efforts of the 
 confederacy, which he had brought 
 upon his own head. He therefore 
 raifed a hideous clamour. He ac- 
 cufed the Fatzman of mifconducft, 
 and iniifled, not without a mixture 
 of menaces, upon the Dai^ro's reaf- 
 
 fembling 
 
Adventures of an At 07/2. 151 
 
 fembling his forces in the country of 
 Yeflb. 
 
 The Dairo himfelf was inconfol- 
 able. He negleded his food, and re- 
 fafcd to confer v/ith his minifters. 
 He difmified the Fatzman from his 
 fcrvice. He locked himfelf in his 
 cabinet, and fpent the hours in la- 
 mentation. ** O my dear farm of 
 YeiTo ! (cried he) (hall I never more 
 enjoy thy charms ! — -Shall I never 
 more regale my eye with thy beau- 
 teous profpeSs, thy hills of heath 1 
 thy meads of broom ; and thy waftes 
 of fand ! Shall I never more eat thy 
 black bread, drink thy brown beer, 
 and feaft upon thy delicate porkers ! 
 Shall I never more receive the ho- 
 mage of the fallow Yeflites with their 
 meagre faces, ragged lldrts, and 
 wooden fhoes ! Shall I never more 
 improve their huts, and regulate their 
 pigftycs ! O cruel Fate! in vain did 
 I face thy mud-wailed manlion with 
 H 4 a new 
 
152 ^ihe Hj/lory and 
 
 a new freeftone front ! In vain did I 
 cultivate thy turnep-garden ! In vain 
 did I enclofe a piece of ground at a 
 great expence, and raife a crop of 
 barley, the firft that ever was (ccn 
 in Yefib ! In vain did I fend over a 
 breed of mules and black cattle for 
 the purpofes of hufoandry! In vain 
 did I fupply you with all the imple- 
 ments of agriculture ! In vain did I 
 ibw grafs and grain for food, and 
 plant trees, and furze and fern for 
 fl:ielter to the game, which could not 
 otherwife fubfift upon your naked 
 downs ! In vain did I furnifli your 
 houfelefs fides, and fill your hungry 
 l:)^nics with the good things of Ja- 
 pan ! In vain did I expend the trea- 
 fures of my empire for thy meliora- 
 tion and defence ! In vain did I 
 incur the execrations of my people^ 
 if I muft now lofe thee for ever ; if 
 thou muft now fall into the hands of 
 an infolent alien, who has no afFeftion 
 
 for 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 153 
 
 for thy foil, and no regard for thy 
 intereft ! O Quamba-cun-dono ! 
 Quamba-cun-dono ! how haft thou 
 difappointed my hope ! I thought 
 thou waft too ponderous to flinch; 
 that thou wouldft have ftood thy 
 ground fixed as the temple of Fak- 
 kubafi, and larded the lean earth 
 with thy carcafe, rather than leave 
 my farm uncovered : but, alas! thou 
 haft fled before the enemy like a par- 
 tridge on the mountains ; and fuf- 
 fered thyfelf at laft to be taken in a 
 fnare like a foolifli dotterel !" 
 
 The Cuboy, who overheard this 
 exclamation, attempted to comfort 
 him through the key-hole. He 
 foothed, and whined, and wheed- 
 led, and laughed and wept all in a 
 breath. He exhorted the illuf- 
 trious Got-hama-baba to bear this 
 misfortune with his Vvronted greatnefs 
 of mind. — He offered to prefent his 
 Imperial majefty with lands in Japan 
 H 5 that 
 
3 54 ^-^^ Hijiory and 
 that fhould be equal in value to tlie 
 farm he had loft : or, if that fhould 
 not be agreeable, to make good at 
 the peace, all the damage thsit fliould 
 be done to it by the enemy. Finally, 
 he curfed the farm, as the caufe of 
 his mafter*s chagrin, and fairly wish- 
 ed it at the devil. ^ — Here he was 
 fuddenly interrupted with a ** Bub- 
 ub-ub-boh ! my lord Cuboy, your 
 grace talks like an apothecary. — Go 
 home to your own palace, and direcS 
 your cooks ; and may your bonzes 
 kifs your a to your heart's con- 
 tent. — I fwear by the horns of the 
 Moon and the hoofs of the White 
 Horfe, that my foot fliall not touch 
 your polteriors thefe three days." — - 
 Fika-kaka, having received this fevere 
 check, craved pardon in a whimper- 
 ing tone, for the liberty he had 
 taken, and retired to coniuit with 
 Mura-clami, v/ho advifed him to 
 fummon orator Taycbo to his aflift- 
 ance. " This 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 155 
 
 This mob-driver being made ac- 
 quainted with the paffion of the 
 Dairo, and the caufe of his diftr^fs, 
 readily undertook to make fuch a 
 fpeech through the key-hole, as 
 Ihould efFedually difpei the empe« 
 ror's defpondence 1 and to this en- 
 terprize he was encouraged by the 
 hyperbolical praifes of Mura-clami^ 
 who exhauiled all the tropes of his 
 own rhetoric in extolliiTg the elo- 
 quence of Taycho. — This triumvi- 
 rate immediately adjourned to the 
 door of the apartment in which Got- 
 hama-baba was feqeftered, where 
 the orator kneeling upon a cufhion^ 
 with his mouth applied to the key- 
 hole, opened the iluices of his elo* 
 Gut ion to this efFedt : 
 
 '' Moft gracious !" "* Bo, bo, boh 1" 
 — " Moft illuftrioas !" '' Bo, boh f" 
 - — ** Moll invincible Got-hama- 
 haba!" — **Bohr'— «* When the fun, 
 that glorious luminary is obfcured, by 
 H 6 envious 
 
156 T^he Hijhry and 
 
 envious clouds, all nature faddens, 
 and feems to lympathize with his ap- 
 parent diftrefs. — Your Imperial ma- 
 jefly is the fun of our hemifphere, 
 whofe fplendour illuminates our 
 throne; and whofe genial warmth 
 enlivens our hearts ; and fhall we 
 your fubjedls, your flaves, the crea- 
 tures of your nod — fhall we unmoved 
 behold your ever-glorious effulgence 
 overcart ? No! while the vital fiream 
 bedews our veins, while our fouls 
 retain the faculty of reafon, and our 
 tongues the power of fpeech, we 
 fhall not ceafe to embalm your for- 
 row with our tears ; we fhall not 
 ceafe to pour the overflowings of 
 our affedlion — our filial tendernefs, 
 which will always be reciprocal with 
 your parental care : thefe are the in-^ 
 exhauflible fources of the nation's 
 happinefs. They may be com- 
 pared to the rivers Jodo and Jodo- 
 gava, which derive their common 
 
 origin 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 157 
 
 origin from the vafl lake of Ami. 
 The one winds its filent courfe, 
 calm, clear, and majeftic, refleding 
 the groves and palaces that adorn its 
 banks, and fertilizing the delightful 
 country through which it runs : the 
 other gufhes impetuous through a 
 rugged channel and lefs fertile foil ; 
 yet ferves to beautify a number of 
 wild romantic fcenes ; to fill an hun- 
 dred aqueduds, and to turn a thou- 
 fand mills : at length, they join their 
 ftreams below the imperial city of 
 Meaco, and form a mighty flood 
 devolving to the bay of Ofaca, 
 bearing on its fpacious bofom, the 
 riches of Japan." — Here the orator 
 paufed for breath : — the Cuboy clap- 
 ped him on the back, whifpering, 
 *^ Super-excellent ! O charming 
 fimile! Another fuch will fink 
 the Dairo's grief to the bottom 
 of the fea \ and his heart will 
 float like a blown bladder upon 
 
 2 the 
 
15$ "The Hi/lory and 
 
 the waves of Kugava.*' Mura-clami 
 was not filent in his praife, while 
 he fqueezed an orange between the 
 lips of Taycho ; and Got-hama- 
 baba feemed all attention : at length 
 the orator refumed his fubjedt : — • 
 ** Think not, auguil emperor, that 
 the caufe of your difqaiet is un- 
 known, or unlamented by your 
 weeping fervants. We have not 
 only perceived your eclipfe, but 
 difcovered the invidious body by 
 whofe interpofition that eclipfe is 
 effeded. The rapacious arms of the 
 hoftile Chinefe have feized the farm 
 of Yeflb!--'* Oh, oh, oh !"-that farm, 
 fo cherifhed by your Imperial favour;, 
 that farm which, in the north of 
 Tartary, (hone like a jewel in an 
 j^thiop's ear ; — ye«,. that jewel hath 
 been fnatched by the favage hand of 
 a Chinefe freebooter: — bur, dry your 
 tears, my prince; that jewel (hall 
 detect his theft, and light 'u« to re- 
 venge.. 
 
Adventures of an Atom, r 59 
 
 vcnge. It fhall become a rock to 
 crufli him in his retreat ; — a net of 
 iron to entangle his fteps ; a fallen 
 trunk over which his feet fhall 
 ftumble. It fhall hang like a weight 
 about his neck, and fink him to the 
 
 lowefl gulph of perdition. Be 
 
 comforted, then, my liege ! your 
 farm is rooted to the center ; it can 
 neither be concealed nor removed. 
 Nay, fliould he hide it at the bot- 
 tom of the ocean ; or place it among 
 the conftellations in the heavens 5 
 your faithful Taycho would fifh it 
 up in tire, or tear it headlong from 
 the flarry firmament. — We will re- 
 trieve the farm of YefTo *— *♦ But,- 
 how, how, how, dear orator Taycho?" 
 **The empire of Japan fhall be mort- 
 gaged for the fake of that precious 
 —that facred fpot, which produced 
 the patriarch apoflle BupOy and re- 
 founded under the hoofs of the holy 
 fteed*^— Your people of Japan fhall 
 
 chant 
 
l6o ^he Hijiory and 
 
 chant the litany of Fakkubafi.— They 
 fhall inftitute crufades for the reco- 
 very of the farm ; they fliall pour 
 their treafury at your imperial feet; — 
 they fhall clamour for impofition; — 
 they fhall load themfelves with ten- 
 fold burthens, defolate their country, 
 and beggar their pofterity in behalf 
 of Yefib. With thefe funds I could 
 undertake even to overturn the 
 councils of Pekin . — While the Tartar 
 princes deal in the trade of blood, 
 there W\\\ be no want of hands to 
 cut away thofe noxious weeds which 
 have taken root in the farm of 
 YefTo j thofe vermin that have 
 preyed upon her delightful blofToms ! 
 Amfdfl fuch a variety of remedies, 
 there can be no difficulty in choof- 
 ing. — Like a weary traveller, I will 
 break a bough from the firfl pine 
 that prefents, and brufh away thofe 
 troublefome infedls that gnaw the 
 fruits of Yefib. — Should not the mer- 
 cenary 
 
Adventures of an 'Atom, 1 6 1 
 
 cenary bands of Tartary fuffice to 
 repel thofe infolent invaders; I will 
 engage to chain this ifland to the 
 continent; to build a bridge from 
 {hovQ to iliore, that fhall afford a 
 paflage more free and ample than 
 the road to Hell. Through this 
 avenue I will ride the mighty beaft 
 whofe name is Legion. — 1 have ftu- 
 died the art of war, my Liege : — 
 1 had once the honour to ferve my 
 country as Lance-prefado in the 
 militia of Niphon. — I will unpeople 
 thefe realms, and overfpread the 
 land of YelTo with the forces of 
 Japan/* 
 
 Got-hama-baba could no longer 
 refift the energy of fuch expreflions. 
 He flew to the door of his cabi- 
 net, and embraced the orator in a 
 tranfport of joy ; while Fika-kaka 
 fell upon his neck and wept aloud; 
 and Mura-clami kiffed the hem of 
 his garment. 
 
 Yoa 
 
162 7^e IJiJlory and 
 
 You muft know, Peacock, I hacf 
 by this time changed my fituation. 
 I was difcharged in the perfpiratory 
 vapour from the perin-ceum of the 
 Cuboy, and fucked into the lungs 
 of Mura-clami, through which I 
 pervaded into the courfe of the cir- 
 culation, and viCted every part of 
 his compofition. I foiand the brain 
 fo full and compacfl, that there was 
 not room far another particle of 
 matter. But inflead of a heart, he 
 had a membranoiis fac, or hollow 
 vifcus, cold and callous, the habi- 
 tation of fneaking caution, fervile 
 flattery, griping avarice, creeping 
 malice, and treacherous deceit. 
 Among thefc tenants it was my fate 
 to dwell ; and there I difcovered the 
 motives by which the lawyer's con- 
 duft was influenced. He now fe* 
 cretly rejoiced at the prefumption 
 of Taycho, which he hoped had 
 already prompted him to undertake 
 
 more 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 163 
 
 more than he could perform ; in 
 which cafe he would infallibly in- 
 cur difgrace either with the Dairo 
 or the people. It is not impoffible 
 but this hope might have been re- 
 alized, had not fortune unexpedledly 
 interpofed, and operated as an aux- 
 illiary to the orator's prefumption. 
 Succefs began to dawn upon the 
 arms of Japan in the iiland of 
 Fatfifio J and towards the end of the 
 campaign, Brat-an-tiffi obtained two 
 petty advantages in Tartary againft 
 one body of Chinefe, and an- 
 other of the Oftrog. All thefe were^- 
 magnified into aftonifhing vidlories, 
 and afcribed to the wifdom and 
 courage of Taycho, becaufe during 
 his miniftry they were obtained ; 
 though he neither knew why, nor 
 wherefore ; and was in this refpedl 
 as innocent as his mafter Got-hama- 
 baba, and his colleague Fika-kaka. 
 He had penetration enough to per- 
 
 ceive> 
 
164 The Hiftory and 
 
 ceive, however, that thefe events had 
 intoxicated the rabble, and began to 
 pervert their ideas. Succefs of any 
 kind is apt to perturb the weak 
 brain of a Japonefe; but the ac- 
 quifition of any military trophy, 
 produces an adual delirium. — The 
 /Ireets of Meaco were filled with the 
 multitudes who fliouted, whooped^ 
 and hollowed. They made procef- 
 fions v/ith flags and banners ; they 
 illuminated their houfes; they extolled 
 lan-on-ij aprovincial captainof Fatfi- 
 fio', who had by accident repulfed a bo- 
 dy of the enem.y> and reduced an old 
 barn which they had fortified. They 
 magnified Brut-an-tiffi j they deified 
 orator Taycho ; they drank, they 
 damned, they fquabbled, and acSed 
 a thoufand extravagancies which I 
 fhall not pretend to enumerate or 
 particularize. Taycho, who knew 
 their trim, feized this opportunity 
 to flrike while the iron was hot. 
 
 ^He 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 165 
 
 —He forthwith mounted an old 
 tub, which was his public rollrum, 
 and waving his hand in an oratorial 
 attitude, was immediately furround- 
 ed with the thronging popoulace. 
 — I have already given you a fpeci- 
 men of his manner, and therefore 
 fhall not repeat the tropes and figures 
 of his harangue : but only iketch out 
 the plan of his addrefs, and fpecify 
 the chain of his argument alone. 
 He affailed them in the way of pa- 
 radox, which never fails to produce 
 a wonderful effedl upon a heated ima- 
 gination and a fliallowunderftanding. 
 Having, in his exordium, artfully 
 fafcinated their faculties, like a jug- 
 gler in Bartholomew-fair, by means 
 of an aflemblage of words without 
 meaning or import ; he proceeded 
 to demonftrate, that a wife and good 
 man ought to difcard his maxims 
 the moment he finds they are cer- 
 tainly eftablifhcd on the foundation 
 
 of 
 
1 66 T'he Hijiory and 
 
 of eternal truth. That the people 
 of Japan ought to preferve the farm 
 of YefTo, as the apple of their eye, 
 becaufe nature had disjoined it from 
 their empire ; and the maintenance 
 of it would involve them in all 
 the quarrels of Tartary : that it was 
 to be preferved at all hazards, be- 
 caufe it was not worth preferving : 
 that all the power and opulence of 
 Japan ought to be exerted and em- 
 ployed in its defence, becaufe, by 
 the nature of irs jStuation, it could 
 not pofiibly be defended : that Brut- 
 an-tiffi was the great protedlor of the 
 religion of the Bonzas, becaufe he 
 had never fhewn the leaft regard 
 to any religion at all : that he was 
 the fail friend of Japan, becaufe he 
 bad more than once adted as a ran- 
 corous enemy to this empire, and 
 never let flip the leaft opportunity 
 of exprefling his contempt for the 
 fubjefts of Niphon : that he was an 
 
 invincible 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 167 
 
 invincible hero, becaufe he had been 
 thrice beaten, and once compelled 
 to raife a fiege in the courfe of two 
 campaigns : that he was a prince of 
 confummate honour, becaufe he had 
 in the time of profound peace, ufurp- 
 ed the dominions and ravaged the 
 countries of his neighbours, in de- 
 fiance of common honefty ; in vio- 
 lation of the moft folemn treaties ; 
 that he was the mofl honourable 
 and important ally that the empire 
 of Japan could choofe, becaufe his 
 alliance was to be purchafed with an 
 enormous annual tribute, for which 
 he was bound to perform no earthly 
 office of friendlhip or affiftance j be- 
 caufe connexion v^'ith him effedlually 
 deprived Japan of the friendfhip of 
 all the other princes and flates of 
 Tartary ; and the utmofl exertion of 
 his pov^er could never conduce, in 
 the fmalleft degree, to the intereft or 
 advantage of the Japonefe empire. 
 
 Such 
 8 
 
l68 T^be Uijlory and 
 
 Such were the propofitions orator 
 Taycho undertook to demonftrate ; 
 and the fuccefs juftificd his under- 
 taking. After a weak mind has been 
 duly prepared, and turned as it were, 
 by opening a fluice or torrent of 
 high-founding words, the greater the 
 contradiction propofed the ftronger 
 impreffion it makes, becaufe it in- 
 creafes the puzzle, and lays fail: hold 
 on the admiration -, depofiting the 
 fmal! proportion of reafon with which 
 it was before impregnated, like the 
 vitriol acid in the copper- mines of 
 Wicklow, into which if you im- 
 merfe iron, it immediately quits the 
 copper which it had before diflblved, 
 and unites with the other metal, to 
 which it has a ftrongerattradion. — 
 Orator Taycho was not fo well flcil- 
 led in logic as to amufe his audience 
 with definitions of concrete and ab- 
 ftradt terms 5 or expatiate upon the 
 genus and the difference; or ftate 
 
 propofitions 
 
Adventures of an Atom, tbc^ 
 
 propofitions by the fubjed:, the pre- 
 dicate, and the copula ; or form fyl- 
 logifms by mood and figure : but 
 he was perfedlly well acquainted with 
 all the equivocal or fynonimous words 
 in his own language, and could ring 
 the changes on them with great dex- 
 terity. He knew perfe<ftly v/ell how 
 to exprefs the fame ideas by words 
 that literally implied oppofition :— • 
 for example, a valuable conqueft or 
 an invaluable conqueft ; a fhameful 
 rafcal or a fham^ful villain ; a hard 
 head or a foft head ; a large con- 
 fcience or no confcience ; immenfely 
 great or immenfely little ; damned 
 high or damned low ; damned bit- 
 ter, damned fvveet ; damned fevere, 
 damned infipid \ and damned ful- 
 fome. He knew how to invert the 
 fenfe of words by changing the 
 manner of pronunciation; e.g. *'Yoa 
 are a very pretty fellow !" to fignify, 
 *^ You are a very dirty fcoundrel."— • 
 Vol. I. I « Yoii 
 
17^ 7he Hijlory and 
 
 <* You have always fpoke refpedfully 
 of the higher powers !" to exprefs, 
 *' You have often infuhed your bet- 
 ters, and even your fovereign !'* 
 <* You have 72ever turned tail to the 
 principles you profeffed !" to declare, 
 ** You have aded the part of an in- 
 famous apoftate." He v^as well 
 aware that words alter their fignifi- 
 cation according to the circum- 
 jftances of times, cuftoms, and the 
 difference of opinion. Thus the 
 name of Jack, who ufed to turn the 
 fpit and pull off his mailer's boots, 
 was transferred to" an iron machine 
 and a wooden inilrument now fub- 
 ftituted for thefe purpofes : thus a 
 ftand for the tea-kettle, acquired the 
 name of Footman -, and the words 
 Canon and Ordinance, fignifying ori- 
 ginally a rule or law, was extend- 
 ed to a piece of artillery, which is 
 counted the ultima lex, or ulthna ratio 
 regum^-^\xi the fame manner the 
 
 words 
 
Adventures of an At 0771, 171 
 
 •words infidel, herefy, good man, 
 and political orthodoxy, imply 
 very different fignifications, among 
 different clafles of people. A Muf- 
 fulman is an infidel at Rome, and a 
 Chriffian is diff:inguifhed as an un- 
 believer at Conftantinople, A Pa- 
 pift by Proteftantifin underffands 
 herefy ; to a Turk, the fame idea is 
 conveyed by the fed: of Ali. The 
 ttvvn goodmajti at Edinburgh, implies 
 fanaticifm ; upon the Exchange of 
 London it fignifics cafh ; and in the 
 general acceptation, benevolence. 
 Political orthodoxy has different, nay 
 oppofite definitions, at different places 
 in the fame kingdom; atO— — and 
 C ; at the Cocoa- tree in Pall- 
 mall j and at Garraway's in Ex- 
 change-alley. Our orator was well 
 acquainted with all the legerdemain 
 of his own language, as well as with 
 the Mature of the beaft he had to 
 rule. He knew when to diftrad: it$ 
 
 I 2 weak 
 
172 l^he WJlory and 
 
 weak brain with a tumult of incon- 
 gruous and contradidory ideas : he 
 knew when to overwhelm its feeble 
 faculty of thinking, by pouring in a 
 torrent of words without any ideas 
 annexed. Thefe throng in like city- 
 milliners to a Mile-end aflembly, 
 while it happens to be under the di- 
 redlionofacondudor without (trength 
 and authority. Thofe that have 
 ideas annexed may be compared to 
 the females provided with partners, 
 which, though they may croud the 
 place, do not abfolutely deftroy all 
 regulation and decorum. But thofe 
 that are uncoupled, prefs in promif- 
 cuoufly with fach impetuofity and in 
 fuch numbers, that the puny mafler 
 of the ceremonies is unable to with- 
 ftand the irruption ; far lefs, to dif- 
 tinguifli their quality, or accommo- 
 date them with partners : thus they 
 fall into the dance without order, 
 and immediately anarchy enfues. 
 
 Taycho 
 
Achentiires of an Atom. 173 
 
 Taycho having kept the monger's 
 brain on a fimmer, until, like the 
 Gow-heel in Don Quixote, it feemed 
 to cry, Comejime^ comenme ; Come, 
 eat me, come, eat me j then told 
 them in plain terms, that it was ex- 
 pedient they fhould part with their 
 wives and their children, their fouls 
 and their bodies, their fubftance and 
 their fenfes, their blood and their 
 fuet, in order to defend the indefen- 
 fible farm of Yeflb, and to fupport 
 Brut-an-tiffi, their infupportable ally. 
 —The hydra, rolling itfelf in the 
 duft, turned up its huge unwieldy 
 paunch and wagged its forky tail ; 
 then licked the feet of Taycho, and 
 through all its hoarfe difcordant 
 throats, began to bray applaufe. The 
 Dairo rejoiced in his fuccefs, the firft- 
 fruits of which confifted in their 
 agreeing to maintain an army of 
 twenty thoufand Tartar mercenaries, 
 who w^ere reinforced by the flov/er of 
 
 I 3 the. 
 
174 5"/6^ Hijlory and 
 
 the national troops of Japan, fent 
 over to defend the farm of Yeflb ; 
 and in their confenting to prolong 
 the annual tribute granted to Brut- 
 an-tifH, v/ho, in return for this con- 
 defcenfion, accommodated the Dairo 
 with one of his free-booting captains 
 to command the Yeffite army. This 
 Dew general had feen fome fervice^ 
 and was counted a good officer : 
 but it was not fo much on account 
 of his miHtary charadler that he ob- 
 tained this command^ as for his 
 dexterity in prolonging the war ; 
 his fkill in exercifing all the diffe- 
 rent arts of peculation; and his at- 
 tachment to Brut-an-tiffi, with whom 
 he had agreed to co-operate in milk- 
 ing the Japonefe cow. This plan 
 they executed v/ith fuch effed:, as 
 could notpoffiblyrefult from addrefs^ 
 alone, unaflifted by the infatuation of 
 thofe whom they pillaged. Every 
 article of contingent expence for 
 
 draught- 
 
Adventures of an Atom* 17^ 
 
 dranght-horfes> waggons, portage^ 
 forage, provifion, and fecret fervice, 
 was fwclled to fuch a degree as did 
 violence to common fenfe as well as 
 to common honefty. The general 
 had a fellow-feeling with all the eon- 
 tradlors in the army, who were con- 
 ceded with him in fuch a manner 
 as feemed to preclude all poffibility 
 of detedtion. In vain fome of the 
 Japonefe oflicers endeavoured to pry 
 into this myflerious commerce 5 in 
 vain infpe(flors were appointed by the 
 government of Japan. The iirft were 
 removed on different pretences : the 
 lafl were encountered by fuch dif- 
 g races and difcouragements, as in a 
 little time compelled them to refign 
 the office they had undertaken. In 
 a word, there was not a private mer- 
 cenary Tartar foldicr in this army 
 who did not coft the empire of Ja- 
 pan as much as any fubaltern officer 
 of its own; and the annual charge oi 
 
 I 4 this 
 
176 I'he Hijlory and 
 
 this continental war^ undertake];^ 
 for the protedion of the farm of 
 Yefib, exceeded the whole expence 
 of any former v^ar which Japan had 
 ever maintained on its own account 
 lince the beginning of the empire : 
 nay, it was attended with one cir- 
 cumftance which rendered it ftill 
 more infupportable. The money ex- 
 pended in armaments and operations, 
 equipped and profecuted on the fide 
 of Japan, was all circulated with- 
 in the empire ; fo that it ftill remain- 
 ed ufeful to the community in ge- 
 neral ; but no inftance could be pro- 
 duced, of a fingle copan that ever 
 returned from the continent of Tar- 
 tary ; therefore all the fums fent 
 thither, were clear lofs to the fub- 
 jedls of Japan. Orator Taycho adled 
 as a faithful ally to Brut-an-tiffi, by 
 ftretching the bafs- firings of the 
 mobile in fuch a manner, as to be 
 always in concert with the extrava.-. 
 
 gance 
 
Adventures of an Atom, rjj 
 
 gance of theTartar's demands, and the- 
 abfurdity of the Dairo's prediledion. 
 Fika-kaka was aftonifhed at thefe 
 phaenomena^ while Mura-clami hop- 
 ed in fecret, that the orator's brain 
 was difordered; and that his infanity 
 would foon ftand confelTed, even to 
 the conviction of the people. — ** If, 
 (faid he to himfelf) they are not 
 altogether dellitute of human reafon^ 
 they muft, of their own accord, per- 
 ceive and comprehend this plain pro* 
 pofition : A cafk of water that dif-» 
 charges /i^r^^ by one pipe, and re- 
 ceives no more than two by another^, 
 muft infallibly be emptied at the 
 long-run. Japan difcharges three 
 millions of obans every year for the 
 defence of that blefied farm, which, 
 were it put up to fale, would not 
 fetch one iixth part of the fum ; and 
 the annual ballance of her trade with 
 all the world brings in two millions : 
 ergo, it runs out fafter than it runs 
 
 I 5 iHj, 
 
178 ^he Hijlory and 
 
 in, and the veffel at the long-run. 
 muft be empty.'' Mura-clami was 
 miftaken. He had fludied philofo- 
 phy only in profile. He had endea- 
 voured to inveftigate the fenfe, but 
 he had never fathomed the abfurdi- 
 ties of human nature. All thatTay- 
 cho had done for Ye (To, amounted 
 not to one-third of what was 
 required for the annual expence of 
 Japan while it maintained the war 
 againft China in different quar- 
 ters of Afia. A former Cuboy, (refl 
 his foul!) finding it impoflible to raife 
 within the year the exorbitant fup- 
 plies that were required to gratify 
 the avarice and ambition of the Dai- 
 ' ro, had contrived the method of 
 funding, which hath been lately 
 adopted with fuch remarkable fuc- 
 cefs in this kingdom. You know. 
 Peacock, this is no more than 
 borrowing a certain fum on the 
 credit of the nation, and laying a 
 
 frefh 
 
Adventures of an Atom, ' 1 79 
 
 frefh tax upon the public, to defray 
 the intereft of every fum thus 
 borrowed ; an excellent expedient, 
 when kept within due bounds, for 
 fecuring the eftabliflied government, 
 multiplying the dependants of the 
 m — ry, and throwing all the money 
 of the empire into the hands of the 
 adminiftration. But thofe loans were 
 fo often repeated, that the national 
 debt had already fwelled to an enor- 
 mous burth'en ; fuch a variety of 
 taxes was laid upon the fubjedt, as 
 grievoufly inhanced all the neceffa- 
 ries of life ; confequently the poor 
 w^ere diftrefled, and the price of la- 
 bour was raifed to fuch a degree, that 
 the Japonefe manufadtures were 
 every-where underfold by the Chi- 
 nefe traders, who employed their 
 workmen at a more moderate ex- 
 pence* Taycho, in this dilemma, 
 was feized with a ftrange conceit. 
 Alchemy was at that period become 
 
 16 a fa< 
 
i8o The Hijlory and 
 
 vourlte ftudy in Japan. Somebonzas 
 having more learning and avarice 
 than their brethren, appHed them— 
 felves to the ftudy of certain Chal- 
 dean manufcripts, v^hich their ancef- 
 tors had brought from Affyria ; and 
 in thefe they found the fubftance of 
 all that is contained in the works 
 of Hermes Trlfmegiftus, Geber» 
 Zofymus, the Panapolite, Olympio- 
 dorus, Heliodorus, Agathod^mon, 
 Morienus, Albertus Magnus, and,, 
 above all, your countryman Roger 
 Bacon, who adopted Geber's opinion, 
 that mercury is the common bafis, 
 and fulphur the cement of all me- 
 tals. By the bye, this fame friar 
 Bacon was well acquainted with 
 the compofition of gun-powder,, 
 though the reputation arifing from 
 the difcovery, has been given to 
 Svv'artz, who lived many years af- 
 ter that monk of Weflminfter. 
 Whether the Philofopher's ftone, 
 
 otherwife 
 
Adventures of an Atom. i?r 
 
 ©therwife called the Gift Azoth,. 
 the fifth Effence, or the Alkaheft ; 
 which laft Van Helmont pilfered 
 from the tenth book of the Archi** 
 doxa, that treafure fo long depo- 
 fited in the occiput of the renown- 
 ed Aureolus, Philippus, Paracelfus,. 
 Theophraftus, Bombaft, de Hohen- 
 heim j was ever really attained by 
 human adept, I am not at liberty to 
 difclofe ; but certain it is, the phi- 
 lofophers and alchemills of Japan^ 
 employed by orator Tayeho to tranf- 
 mute bafer metals iiito gold, mifcar- 
 ried in all their experiments. The. 
 whole evaporated in fmoke, without 
 leaving fo much as the fcrapings of 
 a crucible for a fpecific againlt the 
 itch. Tickets made of a kind of 
 bamboo, had been long ufed to rein- 
 force the circulation of Japan ; but 
 thefe were of no ufe in Tartary ; the 
 mercenaries and allies of that coun- 
 try would receive nothing but gold 
 
 and 
 
1 82 l^he Hijiory and 
 
 and filver, which, indeed, one" would 
 imagine they had a particular me- 
 thod of decompofing or annihilat- 
 ing ; for, of all the millions tranf- 
 ported thither, not one copan was ever 
 known to revifit Japan. ** It was a 
 country (as Hamlet fays) from whofe 
 bourn no travelling copan e'er re- 
 turned." As the war of Ycflb, there- 
 fore, engroffed all the fpecie of Ni- 
 phon, and lome currency was abfo- 
 lutely neceifary to the fubfiftence of 
 the Japonefe, the orator contrived a 
 method to fave the expence of folid 
 food. Hecompofed a mefs thatfhould 
 fill their bellies, and, at the fame 
 time, protradl the intoxication of 
 their brains, which it was fo much 
 his intereft to maintain. — He put 
 them upon a diet of yeaft ^ where 
 this did not ao^ree with the fto- 
 mach, he employed his emiffaries 
 to blow up the patients a pofterioriy 
 as the dog was blown up by the 
 madman of Seville, recorded by Cer- 
 7 vantcs. 
 
Adventures of an Atom, i %i 
 
 vantes. The individuals thus inflat- 
 ed were feen fwaggering about the 
 ftreets, fmooth and round, and fleeic 
 and jolly, with leering eyes and flo- 
 rid complexion. Every one feemed 
 to have the os magna Jonaturum^ 
 He ftruttcd with an air of impor^ 
 tance. He broke wind, and broach- 
 ed new fyfl:ems. He declared as if 
 by revelation, that the more debt 
 the public owed, the richer it be- 
 came ', that food was not necelTary 
 to the fupport of life -, nor an in- 
 tercourfe of the fexes required for the 
 propagation of the fpecies. He ex- 
 patiated on yeaft, as the nedar of 
 the gods, that would fuilain the 
 animal machine, fill the human mind 
 with divine inTpiration, and confer im- 
 mortality. From the efficacy of this 
 fpecific, he began to prophefy con- 
 cerning the White Horfe, and de- 
 clared himfelf an apoftle of Bupo. 
 —-Thus they ftrolled through the 
 
 illand 
 
i§4 ^'^^^ Hijlory and 
 
 ifland of Niphon, barking and preach- 
 ing the gofpel of Fakku-bafi, andpre- 
 fenting their barm goblets to all who 
 were in qiieft of political falvation. 
 The people had been fo well prepared 
 for infatuation, by the fpeeches of Tay- 
 cho, and the tidings of fuecefs from 
 Tartary, that every paffenger greedi- 
 ly fwallowed the drench, and in a 
 little time the whole nation was eon- 
 verted ; that is, they were totally 
 freed from thofe troublefome and im- 
 pertinent faculties of reafon and re- 
 fkcftion, which could have ferved no 
 other purpofe but to make them mi- 
 ferable under the burthens to which, 
 their backs were now fubjeded. 
 They offered up all their gold and- 
 filver, their jewels, their furniture 
 and apparel, at the fhrine of Fakku- 
 bafi, finging pfalms and hymns in 
 praife of the White Horfe. They 
 put arms into the hands of their chil- 
 dren, and drove them. into Tartary, 
 
 in. 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 185 
 
 m order to fatten the land of Yefib 
 with their blood. They grew fana- 
 tics in that caufe, and worfhipped 
 Brut-an-tiffi, as the favourite pro- 
 phet of the beatified Bupo. All 
 was daggering, flaring, incoherence 
 and contortion, exclamation and eruc- 
 tation. Still this was no more than 
 a temporary delirium, which might 
 vanifh as the intoxicating efFeds of 
 the yeaft fubfided. Taycho, there- 
 fore, called in two reinforcements to 
 the drench. He refolved to fatiate 
 their appetite for blood, and to 
 amufe their infantine vanity with the 
 gew-gaws of triumph. He equipped 
 out one armament at a coniiderable 
 expencetomake adefcenton the coafl 
 of China, and fent another at a much 
 greater, to fight the enemy in Fat- 
 fifio. The commander of the firft 
 difembarked upon a defolate ifland^ 
 demolirhed an unfinifhed cottage,, 
 and brought away a few bunches of 
 
 wild 
 
i86 The Hijiory and 
 
 wild grapes. He afterwards hover- 
 ed on the Chincfe coaft -, but was de- 
 terred from landing by a very lingu- 
 lar phenomenon. In furveying the 
 ihore, through fpying-glafles, he per- 
 ceived the whole beach inflanta- 
 iieoufly fortified, as it were, with 
 parapets of fand, which had efcaped 
 the naked eye ; and at one particular 
 part, there appeared a body of gi- 
 ants with very hideous features, peep- 
 ing, as it were, from behind thofe pa- 
 rapets : from which circumftances 
 the Japonefe general concluded there 
 was a very formidable ambufcade,. 
 which he thought it would be mad- 
 nefs to encounter, and even folly to 
 afcertain. One would imagine he. 
 had feen Homer's account of the Cy- 
 clops, and did not think himfelf 
 fafe, even at the diftance of fome 
 miles from the fliore ; for he prefTed 
 the commander of the Fune to weigh 
 anchor immediately, and retire to a. 
 
 glace 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 1 87 
 
 place of more fafety. — I 111 all now. 
 Peacock, let you into the whole fe~ 
 cret. This great officer was deceiv- 
 ed by the careleiinefs of the com-^ 
 miffary, who, inftead of perfped:ives, 
 had furnifhed him with glaffes pe- 
 culiar to Japan, that magnified and 
 multiplied objedls at the fame time. 
 They are called Pho-beron-tia.— - 
 The large parapets of fand were a 
 couple of mole-hills ; and the gigan- 
 tic faces of grim afpedr, were the 
 pofleriors of an old woman facrific- 
 ing fuh diOf to the powers of digef- 
 tion. — There was another circum- 
 ftance which tended to the mifcar- 
 riage of this favourite expedition.— — 
 The principal defign was againfl: a 
 trading town, fituated on a navigable 
 river ; and at the place where this 
 river difembogued itfelf into the fea, 
 there was a Chinefe fort called Sa- 
 rouf. The admiral of the Fune fent 
 the fecond in command, whofe name 
 
 wa^ 
 
J 88 T^he Hijlory and 
 
 was Sel-uon, to lay this fort m 
 afhes, that the embarkation might 
 pafs without let or moleftation. A 
 Chinefe pilot offered to bring his 
 junk within a cable-length of the 
 walls : but he trufted to the light of 
 his own penetration^ He ran his- 
 junk aground, and folemnly declar- 
 ed there was not water fufHcient to 
 float any veffel offeree, within three 
 miles of Sa-rouf. This difcovery he 
 had made by founding, and it proved 
 two very furprifing paradoxes : firft^ 
 that the Chinefe junks drew little or no 
 water, otherwife they could not have 
 arrived at the town where thev were 
 laid up 'y fecondly, that the fort Sa- 
 rouf was raifed in a fpot where is 
 neither could offend, nor be offend- 
 ed. But the Sey-feo-gun Sel-uon 
 was a mighty man for paradoxes. 
 His fuperior in command, was a^ 
 plain man, who did not underftand 
 ihefe aiceties. : he therefore grum- 
 
 bledj, 
 
Adventures of an Atom, i S9 
 
 bled, and began to be troublefome ; 
 upon which, a council of war was 
 held; and he being over-ruled by a 
 inajority of voices, the whole em- 
 barkation returned to Niphon re in- 
 fe5ia. You have been told how the 
 beaft called Legion brayed, and bel- 
 lowed, and kicked, when the fate of 
 Byn-goh's expedition was known; 
 it was difpofed to be very unruly at 
 the return of this armament : but 
 Taycho lulled it with a double dofe 
 • of hisMandragora. It growled at the 
 giants, the fand-hills, and the pa- 
 radoxes of Sel-uon : then brayed 
 aloud "Taycho for ever ! rolled itfelf 
 up like a lubberly hydra, yawned, 
 and fell fafl afleep. — The other ar- 
 mament equipped for the operations 
 in Fatfiiio, did not arrive at the place 
 of defti nation till the opportunity for 
 adion was lofl:. The objedt was the 
 redudion of a town and ifland be- 
 longing to the Chinefe : but before 
 
 the 
 
I go Tie Hiftory and 
 
 the Fune with the troops arrived 
 from Niphon, the enemy having re- 
 ceived intimation of their defign, had 
 reinforced the garrifon and harbour 
 with a greater number of forces and 
 Fune than the Japonefe commander 
 could bring againft them. He, there- 
 fore, wifely declined an enterprize 
 which muft have ended in his own 
 difgrace and deftrudtion. The Chi- 
 nefe were fuccefsful in other parts 
 of Fatfifio. They demolifhed fome 
 forts, they defeated fome parties, 
 and maffacred fome people, belong- 
 ing to the colonies of Japan. Per- 
 haps the tidings of thefe difafters 
 would have roufed the people of Ni- 
 phon from the lethargy of intoxica- 
 tion in which they were over- 
 whelmed, had not their delirium 
 been keept up by fome fafcinating 
 amulets from Tartary : thefe were 
 no other than the bubbles which 
 Brut-an-tifli fwelled into mighty 
 
 vidiories 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 191 
 
 vidlories over theChinefe andOftrog; 
 though, in fad:, he had been fevere- 
 ly cudgelled, and more than once in 
 very great danger of crucifixion. Tay- 
 cho prefented the monfter with a bowl 
 of blood, which he told it this invinci- 
 ble ally had drawn from its enemies 
 the Chinefe, and, at the fame time, 
 blowed the gay bubbles athwart its 
 numerous eyes. The hydra lapped 
 the gore with figns of infinite re- 
 liili ; groaned and grunted to fee the 
 bubbles dance ; exclaimed, ** O rare 
 Taycbo !" and relapfed into the arms 
 of Dumber. Thus pafled the firft 
 campaign of Taycho's adminif- 
 tration. 
 
 By this time Fika-kaka v/as fully 
 convinced that the orator afliually 
 dealt with the devil, and had even 
 fold him his foul for this power of 
 working miracles on the underfland- 
 ing of the populace. He began to 
 be invaded with fears, that the fame 
 
 confideration 
 
192 516^ Hiftory and 
 
 confideration would be demanded of 
 him for the eafe and pleafure he now 
 enjoyed in partneriliip with that ma- 
 gician. He no longer heard him- 
 felffcoffed, ridiculed, and reviled in 
 the affemblies of the people. He no 
 longer fawhis meafures thwarted, nor 
 his perfon treated with difdain. He 
 no longer racked his brains for pre- 
 tences to extort money ; nor trem- 
 bled with terror when he ufed thefe 
 pretences to the public. The mouth 
 of the oppofition was now glewed to 
 his own pofteriors. Many a time 
 and often, when he heard orator 
 Tycho declaiming againft him from 
 his roflrum, he curfed him in his 
 heart, and was known to ejaculate 
 ** Kifs my a — fe, Taycho;" but lit- 
 tle did he think the orator would 
 one day ftoop to this compliance. 
 He now faw that infolent foul- 
 mouthed demagogue miniftring with 
 the utmofl fervility to his pleafure 
 
 and 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 193 
 
 and ambition. He filled his bags 
 with the treafures of Japan, as if by 
 inchantment ; fo that he could now 
 gratify his own profufe temper with- 
 out flint or controul. He took up- 
 on himfelf the whole charge of the 
 adminiftration ; and left Fika-kaka 
 to the full enjoyment of his own 
 fenfuality, thus diverted of all its 
 thorns. It was the contemplation 
 of thefe circumflances, which in- 
 fpired the Cuboy with a belief that 
 the devil was concerned m produc- 
 ing this aflonifhing calm of felicity ; 
 and that his infernal highnefs would 
 require of him fome extraordinary 
 facrifice for the extraordinary favours 
 he beflowed. He could not help 
 fufpecfting the fmcerity of Taycho's 
 attachment, becaufe it feemed alto- 
 gether unnatural ; and if his foul was 
 to be the facrifice, he wiflied to 
 treat wiA Satan as a principal. Full 
 of this idea, he had recourfe to his 
 Vol, I. K Bonzes 
 
194 ^^^ Hyhry and 
 
 Bonzes as the moft likely perfons 
 to procure him' fuch an interview 
 with the prince of darknefs, as fliould 
 not be attended with immediate dan- 
 ger to his corporeal parts : but, up- 
 on enquiry, he found there was not 
 cMie conjurer among them all. Some 
 of them made a merit of their igno- 
 rance ; pretending they could not in 
 confcience give application to an art 
 which muft have led them into 
 'Communication with demons : others 
 infifted there was no fuch thing as 
 the devil ; and this opinion feemed 
 to be much reliflied by the Cu- 
 boy : the reft frankly owned they 
 knew nothing at all of the matter. 
 For my part. Peacock, I not only 
 know there is a devil, but I likewife 
 know that he has marked out nine- 
 teen twentieths of the people of this 
 metropolis for his prey. — How 
 now ! You fhafce, firrah !— You have 
 feme reafon, confidering the experi- 
 ments 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 19S 
 
 ments you have been trying in the 
 way of forcery ; turning the fieve 
 and fheers ; mumbling gibberiih over 
 a goofe's liver fluck with pins; pricks 
 ing your thumbs, and writing myfti- 
 cal characters with your blood ; 
 forming fpells with fticks laid acrofs; 
 reading prayers backwards ; and in^* 
 yoking the devil by the name, ftyle, 
 and title of Satban, Abrafax Adonai. 
 I know what communication you 
 had with goody Thruflc at Camber- 
 well, who undertook for three fhil* 
 lings and four-pence to convey you 011 
 a broomftick to Norway, where the 
 devil was to hold a conventicle; but 
 you boggled at eroding the fea, with- 
 out fuch fecurity for your perfon ^s 
 the beldame could not give. I re- 
 member your poring over the treatife 
 I^e volucri arbor ea^ until you had 
 wcU-nigh loft your wits ; and your 
 intention to enrol yourfelf in the 
 Roficrufian fociety, until your in- 
 K 2 - trigue 
 
J 96 T!he Hijlory and 
 
 trigue with the tripe-woman in 
 Thieving-lane deflroyed your pre- 
 tenfions tochaftity. Then you cloak- 
 ed your ov/n wickednefs with an af- 
 feftation of fcepticifni, and declared 
 there never was any fuch exigence as 
 devili demon, fpirit, or goblin ; nor 
 any fuch art as magic, necromancy, 
 forcery, or witchcraft. — O infidel ! 
 haft thou never heard of the three 
 divifions of magic into natural, arti- 
 ficial, and diabolical ? The firft of 
 thefe is no more than medicine; 
 hence the fame word Pharmacopola 
 Signified both a wife-acre and apo- 
 thecary. To the fecond belong the 
 glafs fphere of Archimedes, the fly- 
 ing wooden pigeon of Archytus, the 
 emperor Leo's linging birds of gold, 
 Boetius the Confolator's flying birds 
 of brafs, hifiing ferpents of the fame 
 metal, and the famous fpeakinghead 
 of Albertus Magnus. The laft, which 
 Ave call diabolical, depends upon the 
 
 ■ evocation 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 197 
 
 evocation of fpirits : fuch was the art 
 exercifed by the magicians of Pha- 
 raoh y as well as by that conjurer 
 recorded by Gafpar Peiicerus, who 
 animated the dead carcafe of a fa- 
 mous female harper in Bologna in 
 fuch a manner, that fheplayed upon 
 her inllrument as well as ever flie 
 had done in her life, until another 
 magician removing the charm, which 
 had been placed in her arm-pits, the 
 body fell down deprived of all mo- 
 tion. It is by fuch means that con- 
 jurers cure diilempers with charms and 
 amulets ; that, according to St. Ifi- 
 dore, they confound the elements, 
 difturb the underftanding, flay with- 
 out poifon or any perceptible wound, 
 call up devils, and learn from them 
 how to torment their enemies. Ma- 
 gic was known even to the ancient 
 Romans. Cato teaches us how to 
 charm a diflocated bone, by re- 
 peating thefe myflical words, 7^- 
 K 3 cipe, 
 
198 The Hijlory and 
 
 cipe, cant are in alto, S. F. met as da- 
 nata dar darks, AJlotaries, die una pa- 
 rite dum coeunty &c. Beiides, the 
 virtues of Abracadabra are well 
 knov/n ; though the meaning of 
 the v/ord has puzzled fome of the 
 befl: critics of the laft age ; fuch as 
 Wendelinus, Scaliger, Saumaife, and 
 father Kircher ; not to mention the 
 ancient phyfician Serenus Sammoni- 
 cus> who defcribes the difpofition 
 of thefe charaders in hexameter 
 verfe. I might here launch out in- 
 to a very learned diflertation to 
 prove that this very Serenus formed 
 the word Abracadabra from the 
 Greek v/ord A/^^ao-a^, a name by 
 which Bafilides the Egyptian here- 
 tic defined the Deity, as the letters 
 of it imply 365, the number of days 
 in the year. This is the word ftill 
 fair and legible on one of the two ta- 
 lifmans found in the Seventeenth cen- 
 tury, of which Baronius gives us the 
 
 figure 
 
Adventures of an Atom, igg 
 
 figure in the fecond volume of his 
 Annals. By the bye, Peacock, you 
 muft take notice, that the figure of 
 St. George encountering the dragon, 
 which is the fymbol of the order of 
 the Garter, and at this day diftin- 
 guifhss fo many inns, taverns, and 
 ale-houfes, in this kingdom, was no 
 other originally than the device of 
 an abraxas or amulet wore by the 
 Bafilidians, as a charm againft infec- 
 tion : for, by the man on horfeback 
 killing the dragon, was typified the 
 fun purifying the air, and difperfing 
 the noxious vapours from the earth. 
 An abraxas marked with this device, 
 is exhibited by Montfaucon out of 
 the Colledlion of Sig. Capello. This 
 fymbol, improved by the crofs on 
 the top of the fpear, was afterwards 
 adopted by the Chriftian crufards, as 
 a badge of their religious warfare, as 
 well as an amulet to enfure vi<ftory ; 
 the crofs alluding to Conilantine's 
 K 4 labarum. 
 
200 T'he Ilijlory and 
 
 labarumjWith the motto tv ^mu) viytoty 
 ** In this you fliall conquer.'* The 
 figure on horfeback they metamor- 
 phofed into St. George, the fame 
 with George the Arian, who at one 
 time was reckoned a martyr, and 
 maintained a place in the Roman 
 Martyrology, from which he and 
 others v/ere erafed by pope Gelafius 
 in the fifth century, hecaufe the ac- 
 counts of their martyrdom were writ- 
 ten by heretics. This very George, 
 while he officiated as bifhop of 
 Alexandria, having ordered a temple 
 of the god Mythras to be purified, 
 and converted intoaChriftian church, 
 found in the faid temple this em- 
 blem of the fun, which the Perfians 
 adored under the name of Mythras ; 
 and with the addition of the crofs, 
 metamorphofed it into a fymbol of 
 Chriftian warfare againft idolatry. 
 It was on this occafion that the 
 Pagans rofe againft George, and mur- 
 dered 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 201 
 
 dered him with the utmoft barbarity; 
 and from this circumftance he became 
 a faint and martyr, and the amulet or 
 abraxas became his badge of diilinc- 
 tion. Thecrofs was confidered as fuch 
 a fure protcdion in battle, that every 
 fword-hilt was made in this form, 
 and every warrior, before he engag- 
 ed, kifled it in token of devotion: 
 hence the phrafe, *' I kifs your hilt," 
 which is fometimes ufed even at this 
 day. With refped to the myftical 
 words ABRACA2, lAH, AOHNAI, 
 which are found upon thofe amulets^ 
 and fuppofed to be of Hebrew ex- 
 tradt, tho' in the Greek character of 
 termination; if thou wouldft know 
 their real fignification, thou mayeit 
 confult the learned De Croy, in hi.s 
 Treatife concerning the genealo- 
 gies oi ^S^^Gno flics. Thou wilt find it 
 at the end of St, Irena^us's works, 
 publiflied by Grabius at Oxford.— 
 K 5 But^ 
 
20Z Ti^e Hifiory and 
 
 But, to r-eturn to magic, thou muft 
 hnve heard of the famous Ali>ertus 
 Magnus deBolftadt, who indifferent- 
 ly cxercifed the pjofeffions of con- 
 jurer, bawd, and man-midwife ; who 
 forged the celebrated AndroideSy or 
 brazen- head, which pronounced 
 oracles, and folved queftions of the 
 utmoft difficulty: nor can the fame of 
 Henry Cornelius Agrippa have efcap^ 
 cd thee; he, who wrote the Treatifes 
 De occulta Philofophia ; & de c^cis 
 Ceremoniis ; who kept his demon fc- 
 cured with an inchanted iron collar,. 
 in the fhape of a black dog -, which 
 black dog being difmiffed in his laft 
 moments with thefe words : Abi 
 perdita hefiia qii^e me totum ferdi- 
 dift'i ; plunged itfelf in the river 
 Soame, and immediately difappear- 
 ed. But what need of thofe pro- 
 fane inftances to prove the exiftence 
 of magicians who held communica- 
 tion 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 203 
 
 tion with the devil ? Don't we read 
 ia the fcriptare of the magicians of 
 Pharaoh and Manafles ? of the witch 
 of Endor j of Simon and Barjefus, 
 magicians ; and of that forcerefs of 
 whofe body the apoftle Paul difpof- 
 feffed the devil ? Have not the fa- 
 thers mentioned magicians and for- 
 cerers ? Have not different coun- 
 cils denounced anathemas againft 
 them ? Hath not the civil law de- 
 creed punifliments to be infliiled 
 upon thofc convided of the blapk 
 art ? Have not all the tribunals ia 
 France, England, and particularly in 
 Scotland, condemned many perfons 
 to the ftake for forceries, on the 
 fulleft evidence \ nay, even on th€i.r 
 ownconfeffion? Thou thyfelf mayeft 
 almoft remember the havock that 
 was made among the forcerers in one 
 of the Englifh colonies in North- 
 America, by Dr. Encreafe Mather, 
 aad Dr. Cotton Mather, thofe lumi-^ 
 K 6 naries 
 
204 'The Hijhry /ind 
 
 ivaries of the New-England church, 
 under the authority and aufpices of 
 Sir William Phipps, that flower of 
 knighthood and mirror of gover- 
 nors, who, not contented with living 
 witneffes, called in the afliftance of 
 fpe6lral evidence, to the convidlionof 
 thofe diabolical delinquents. — This 
 was a hint, indeed, which he borrow- 
 ed from the famous trial of Urban 
 Grandier, canon of Loudun in France, 
 who was duly convicfted of magic, 
 upon the depofitions of the devils 
 AJlaroth^ Eiifas, Celfiis, Acaos , Ce- 
 don, Afmodeusy Alix^ Zabulon^ Neph- 
 thaliniy Chaniy Uriel, and Adas. I 
 might likewife refer thee to king 
 James's Hiflory of Witchcraft, 
 wherein it appears, upon uncontro- 
 vertible evidence, that the devil not 
 only prefided in perfon at the affem- 
 blies of thofe wife women ; but even 
 condefcended to be facetious, and of- 
 ten diverted them by dancing and 
 
 playing 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 205 
 
 playinggambols with a lighted candle 
 in his breech. I might bid thee re- 
 xolledl the authenticated account of 
 the earl of Gowry's confpiracy againft 
 the faid king, in which appears the 
 depofition of a certain perfon, certi- 
 fying that the earl of Gowry had 
 ftudied the black art : that he wore 
 an amulet about his perfon, of fuch 
 efficacy, that although he was run 
 feveral times through the body, 
 not one drop of blood flowed from 
 the wounds until thofe myftical cha- 
 raders were removed. — Finally, I 
 could fill whole volumes with un- 
 deniable facfls to prove the exifl- 
 cnce of magic : but what I have 
 faid fhall fuffice. I muft only re- 
 peat it again, that there was not 
 one magician, conjurer, wizard, or 
 witch, among all the Bonzes of Ja- 
 pan, whom the Cuboy confulted : 
 a circumftance that aflonilTied him 
 fhe more, as divers of them, not- 
 
 withftanding 
 
2o6 T^be Hijiory and 
 
 withftanding their beards, were 
 fhrewdly fiilpedled to be old women j 
 and 'till that time, .an old woman 
 with a beard upon her chin had 
 been always coniidered as an agent 
 of the devil. — It was the nature of 
 Fika-kaka to be impatient and im- 
 petuous. Perceiving that none of 
 his Bonzes had any communication 
 with the devil, and that many of 
 them doubted whether there was 
 any fuch perfonage as the devil, he 
 began to hav€ fome doubts about 
 his own faul : '^ For if there is no 
 devil (faid he), there is no foul to be 
 damned ; and it would be a reproach 
 to the juftice of heaven to fuppofe 
 that all fouls are to be faved> conii- 
 dering what rafcally fluff man- 
 kind are made of." This was an 
 inference which gave him great dif- 
 turbance -, for he was one of thofe 
 who would rather encounter eternal 
 damknatioii, than run any rifque of 
 
 being 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 207 
 
 being annihilated. He therefore af- 
 fembled ali thofe among the Bonzes 
 who had the reputation of being great 
 philofophers and metaphyiicians, in 
 order to hear their opinions concern- 
 ing the nature of the foul. The 
 firft reverend fage who delivered him- 
 felf on this myfterious fubjeft, hav- 
 ing ftroked his grey beard, and 
 hemmed thrice with great folemnity, 
 declared that the foul was an ani- 
 mal 5 a fecond pronounced it to be 
 the number threey or proportion ; 
 a third contended for the number 
 /even, or harmony ; a fourth de- 
 fined the foul the iininjerfe ; a fifth 
 affirmed it was a mixture of ele- 
 ments; a fixth aflerted it was com- 
 pofed of Jire ; a fcventh opined 
 it was formed of water ; an eighth 
 called it an effence ; a ninth, an idea ; 
 a tenth llickled iox fubjiance without 
 extenjion \ an eleventh, for extenfion 
 'iiithout fubjiance ; a twelfth cried it 
 
 was 
 
2o8 The Hijlory and 
 
 was an accident ; a thirteenth called 
 it a refleBing mlrrour ; a fourteenth, 
 the image reJleBed \ a fifteenth in- 
 fifted upon its being a tune^, a fix- 
 teenth believed it was the inftru- 
 ment that played the tune \ a feven- 
 teenth undertook to prove it was 
 materially an eighteenth exclaimed 
 it was immaterial \ a nineteenth al- 
 lowed it w2iSjo7nething', and a twen- 
 tieth fwore it was nothing. — By this 
 time all the individuals that com- 
 pofed this learned afiembly, fpoke 
 together with equal eagernefs and 
 vociferation. The volubility with 
 which a great number of abftrufe 
 and unintelligible terms and defini- 
 tions were pronounced and repeated, 
 not only refembled the confufion of 
 Babel, but they had juft the fame 
 effedt upon the brain of Fika-kaka, 
 as is generally produced in weak 
 heads by looking lledfaflly at a mill- 
 wheel or a vortex, or any other ob- 
 
 jcft 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 209 
 
 je6l in continual rotation. He grew 
 giddy, ran three times round, and 
 dropped down in the niidft of 
 the Bonzes, deprived of fenfe and 
 motion. When he recovered fo far 
 as to be able to refledl upon what 
 had happened, he was greatly dif- 
 turbed with the terror of annihila- 
 tion, as he had heard nothing faid in 
 the coniultation which could give 
 him any reafon to beheve there was 
 fuch a thing as ^ immortal foul. 
 In this emergency he fent for his 
 counfellor Mura-clami, and whent 
 that lawyer entered his chamber, ex- 
 claimed, '* My dear Mura, as I have 
 a foul to be faved ! — A foul to be fa- 
 yed ! — ay, there^s the rub ! — the de- 
 vil a foul have I ! — Thofe Bonzes 
 are good for nothing but to kifs 
 my a — fe; — a parcel of ignorant 
 afles ! — Pox on their philofophy ! 
 Inftead of demonflrating the immor- 
 tality of the foul, they have plainly 
 
 proved 
 
2ia Tthe Hlflory mid 
 
 proved the Ibul is a chimsera, a will 
 o* the wifp, a bubble, a term, a word, 
 a nothing ! — My dear Mura ! prove 
 but that I have a foul, and I (liall be 
 contented to be damned to all eter- 
 nity !" — '* If that be the cafe, (faid 
 the other) your Quambucofliip may 
 fet your heart at reft : for, if you 
 proceed to govern this empire, in con- 
 jundion with Taycho, as you have 
 begun, it will become a point of 
 eternal juftice to give you an immor- 
 tal foul (if you have not one already) 
 that you may undergo eternal punifli- 
 ment, according to your demerits.** 
 The Cuboy was much comforted by 
 this affurance, and returned to his for- 
 mer occupations with redoubled ar- 
 dour. He continued to confer be- 
 nefices on his back-friends the Bonzes; 
 to regulate the whole army of tax- 
 gatherers 'y to bribe the tribunes, 
 the centurions, the decuriones, and 
 ail the inferior mob-drivers of the 
 
 empire ; 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 2 1 r 
 
 empire ; to hire thofe pipers who 
 were beft fkilled in making the mul- 
 titude dance, and find out the ableft 
 artifls to fcratch their long ears, and 
 tickle their nofes. I'hefe toils were 
 fweetened by a variety of enjoyments. 
 He poffeiled all the pomp of often- 
 tation ; the vanity of levees, the 
 pride of power, the pleafure of adu- 
 lation, the happinefs of being kick- 
 ed by his fovereign and kiffed by his 
 Bonzes j and, above all, the delights of 
 the ftomach and the clofe-ftool, which 
 recurred in perpetual fucceffion, and 
 which he feemed to enjoy with a par- 
 ticular relifh : for, it muft be obfer- 
 ved, to the honour of Fika-kaka, that 
 what he eagerly received at one end, 
 he as liberally refunded at the other. 
 But as the faculties of his mind 
 were infofficicnt to digeft the great 
 mefs of power which had fal- 
 len to his {har«, fo were the organs 
 of his body unable to concod: the 
 
 enormous 
 
212 T^he Hiftory and 
 
 enormous mafs of aliments which he 
 fo greedily fwallowed. He laboured 
 under an indigeftion of both , and the 
 vague promifes which went upwards, 
 as well as the murmurs that pafled 
 the other way, were no other than 
 eruptive crudities arifing from the 
 defedls of his foul and body. 
 
 As forTaycho, he confined himfelf 
 to the management of the war. He 
 recalled the general in chief from 
 J-'atfifio, becaufe he had not done that 
 which he could not poflibly do : but, 
 inftead offending another on whofe 
 abilities he could depend, he allowed 
 the direction of the armaments to 
 devolve upon the fecond in Com- 
 mand, whofe character he could not 
 poffibly know; becaufe, indeed, he 
 was too obfcure to have any charac- 
 ter at all. The fruits of his fagacity 
 foon appeared. The new general 
 Abra-moria, having reconnoitred a 
 poft of the enemy, which was found 
 
 too 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 213 
 
 too ftrong to be forced, attacked it 
 without hefitation, and his troops 
 were repuhed and routed with con- 
 fiderable flaughter. It was lucky 
 for Taycho that the tidings of this 
 difafter were quahfied by the news 
 of two other advantages which the 
 arms of Japan had gained. — A fepa- 
 rate corps of troops, under Yaf-frai 
 and Ya-lofi; reduced a ftrongChinefe 
 fortrefs in the neighbourhood of 
 Fatfifio ; and a body of Japonefe, 
 headed by a fadlor called Ka-lifF, 
 obtained a confiderable viflory at 
 Fla-fao, in the farther extremity of 
 Tartary, where a trading company 
 of Meaco poiTefTed a commercial 
 fettlement. The Hydra of Meaco 
 began to fhake its numerous heads 
 and growl, when it heard of Abra- 
 moria's defeat. At that inftant, one 
 of its leaders exclaimed, " Blefs thy 
 long ears ! It was not Taycho that 
 recommended Abra-moria to this 
 ^2 command. 
 
214 The Hijlory and 
 
 command. He was appointed by 
 the Fatz-man." This was true. It 
 was likewife true, that Taycho had 
 allowed him quietly to fucceed 
 to the command, without knowing 
 any thing of his abilities ^ — it was 
 
 ' equally true, that Taycho was an ut- 
 ter ftranger to Yaf-frai and Ya-lofF, 
 who took the fortrefs, as well as to 
 the fador Ka-lifF, who obtained the 
 yidory at the farther end of Tar- 
 tary. — Neverthelefs, the beaft cried 
 aloud, ** Hang Abra-moria ! and a 
 fig for the Fatz-man. But let the 
 praife of Taycho be magnified ! It 
 was Taycho that fubdued the for- 
 trefs in the Ifle Ka-frit-o. It was 
 Taycho that defeated the enemy at 
 Fla-fao. — Yaf-frai has flain his thou- 
 
 . fands ; — Ya-loff has flain his five 
 thoufands 5 — ^but Taycho had flain 
 his ten thoufands. 
 
 Taycho had credit not only for the 
 fuccefsof the Japonefe arms, butlike- 
 
 I wife 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 2 1 5 
 
 wife for the viftories of Brut-an-tiffi, 
 who had lately been much beholden 
 to fortune. I have already obferved 
 what a noife that Tartar made when 
 the Fatz-man of Japan found himfelf 
 obliged to capitulate with the Chi- 
 nefe general. In confequence of that 
 event, the war was already at an end 
 with refpeft to the Japonefe, on the 
 continent of Tartary. The emperor 
 of China tookpofleffion of the farm of 
 Yeflb • the peafants quietly fubmit- 
 ted to their x\<^v^ maders ; and thofe 
 very free-booting Tartar chiefs, who 
 had fold their fubjeds as foldiers to 
 ferve under the Fatz-man, had al- 
 ready agreed to fend the very fame 
 mercenaries into the army of China. 
 It was at this jundiure that Brut-an- 
 tifH exalted his throat. In the pre-- 
 ceding campaign he hadforfght with 
 various fuccefs. One of his gene- 
 rals had given battle to the Mant- 
 choux Tartars, and each fide claimed 
 
 -the 
 
2i6 ^he Hijiory and 
 
 the vidorv Another of his leaders 
 had been defeated and taken by the 
 Oftrog. The Chlnefe had already 
 advanced to the frontiers of Brut-an- 
 tiffi's dominions. In this dilemma 
 he exerted himfelf with equal acti- 
 vity and addrefs : he repulfed the 
 Chinefe army with conliderable lofs; 
 and in the fpace of one month after 
 this adion, gained a vidtory over the 
 general of the Oftrog. Thefe ad- 
 vantages rendered him infufferably 
 arrogant. He exclaimed againft the 
 Fatz-man; he threatened theDairo; 
 and, as I have taken notice above, a 
 new army was raifed at theexpenceof 
 Japan, to defend him from all future 
 invafions of the Chinefe. Already the 
 Tartar general Bron-xi-tic, who was 
 vefted at his defire with the command 
 of the mercenary army of Japan, had 
 given a fevere check to a ftrong body 
 of the Chinefe, and even threatened 
 to carry the war into the empire of 
 
 China; 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 2 1 7 
 
 China ; but his progrefs was foon 
 ftopt, and he was forced to retreat 
 in his turn towards the farm of Yef- 
 fo. — But from nothing did orator 
 Taycho reap a fuller harveft of 
 praife, than from the conquefl of 
 Tzin-khall, a fettlcment of the Chi- 
 nefe on the coail of Terra Auftralis ; 
 which conqueft was planned by a 
 Banyan merchant of Meaco, who 
 had traded on that coaft, and was 
 particularly known to the king of 
 the country. This royal favage was 
 uneafy at the neighbourhood of the 
 Chinefe, and conjured the merchant, 
 whofe name was Thum-Khumm- 
 qua, to ufe his influence at the court 
 of Meaco, that an armament fliould 
 be equipped againfl the fettlement of 
 Tzin-khall, he himfelf folemnly pro- 
 mifing to co-operate in the reduction 
 of it with all his forces. — Thum- 
 Khumm-qua, whofe zeal for the good 
 t)f his country got the better of all his 
 Vol. I. L prudential 
 
2r8 'The Hijlory and 
 
 prudential maxims, did not fail to rc- 
 prefent this objeft in the moil: inte- 
 refting points of view. He demon- 
 jftrated to Taycho the importance of 
 the fettlement -, that it abounded 
 with flaves, ivory, gold, and a pre- 
 cious gum which was not to be found 
 in any other part of the world ; a 
 gum in great requeft all over Alia, 
 and particularly among the Japo- 
 nefe, who were obliged to purchafe 
 it in time of war at fecond-hand from 
 their enemies the Chinefe, at an 
 exorbitant price. He demonftrated 
 that the lofs of this fettlement would 
 be a terrible wound to the emperor 
 of China ; and proved that the con- 
 queft of it could be atchieved at a 
 very trifling expence. He did more. 
 Tho* by the maxims of his fedl he 
 Was reftrained from engaging in any 
 military enterprize, he offered to 
 condud: the armament in perfon, in 
 order the more effedlually to keep 
 
 the 
 
Adventures of an Atom: 219 
 
 the king of the country fteady to his 
 engagements. Though the fcheme 
 was in itfelf plaufible and practi- 
 cable, Mr. orator Taycho fhufBed 
 and equivocated until the feafon 
 for adlion was paft. But Thum- 
 Khumm-qua was indefatigable. He 
 exhorted, he prefled, he remon- 
 ftrated, he complained ; and befieged 
 the orator's houfe in fuch a man- 
 ner, that Taycho at length, in or- 
 der to be rid of his importunity, 
 granted his requeft. A fmall arma- 
 ment was fitted out ; the Banyan em- 
 barked in it, leaving his own private 
 affairs in confufion; and the fettle- 
 ment was reduced accordinof to his 
 predidion. When the news of this 
 conqueft arrived atMeaco, the multi- 
 farious beaft brayed hoarfe applaufe, 
 and the minifter Taycho was magni- 
 fied exceedingly. As for Thum- 
 Khumm-qua, whofe private fortune 
 was confumed in the expedition, all 
 
 L 2 the 
 
220 'the Hijlory and 
 
 the recompence he received, was the 
 confcioufnefs of having ferved his 
 country. In vain he reminded Tay- 
 cho of his promifes ; in vain he re- 
 cited the minifter's own letters, ia 
 which he had si'iven his word that 
 the Banyan fliould be Hberally re- 
 warded, according to the importance 
 of his fervices : Taycho was both deaf 
 and blind to all his remonftrances 
 and reprefentations ; and, at laft,^ 
 fairly flung the door in his face. 
 
 Such was the candour and the 
 gratitude of the incomparable Tay-^ 
 cho. — The poor projedor Thum- 
 Khumm-qua found himfelf in a pi- 
 teous cafe, while the whole nation 
 refounded with joy for the conqueit 
 which his fagacity had planned, and 
 his zeal carried into execution. 
 He was not only abandoned by the 
 minifter Taycho; but alfo renounced 
 by the whole fedt of the Banyans, who 
 looked upon him as a wicked apof- 
 
 tate> 
 
Adventures of an yltom. 221 
 
 tate, becaule he had been concerned 
 with thofe who fought with the arm 
 of flefh. It was hicky for him thathe 
 afterwards found favour with a fub- 
 fequent minifter, who had not adopt- 
 ed all the maxims of his predeceffbr 
 Taycho» — The only meafures which 
 this egregious demagogue could hi- 
 therto properly call his own, were 
 thefe : His fubiidiary treaty with 
 Brut-an-tiffi ; his raifing an im- 
 menfe army of mercenaries to ad: 
 in Tartary for the benefit of that 
 prince ; his exading an incredible 
 fum of money from the people of 
 Japan ; and finally, two fucceffiva 
 armaments which he had fent 
 to annoy the fea-coaft of China. I 
 have already given an account of the 
 firft, the intent of which, was fruf- 
 trated by a miftake in the perfpec- 
 tives. The other was more fortunate 
 in the beginning. Taycho had by the 
 force of his genius, difcovered that 
 L 3, nothing 
 
22 2 ^h Uiftory and 
 
 nothing fo efFecflually deftroyed the 
 oiled paper which the Chinefe ufe 
 in their windows inftead of glafs, 
 as the gold coin called Oban, when 
 difcharged from a military engine at 
 a proper diftance. He found that gold 
 was more compadt, more heavy, more 
 malleable, and more manageable 
 than any other metal or fubftance 
 that he knew : he therefore provid- 
 ed a great quantity of obans, and a 
 good body of (lingers ; and thefe be- 
 ing conveyed to the coaft of China, 
 in a fquadron of Fune, as none of 
 the Chinefe appeared to oppofe thefe 
 hoftilities, a feleft number of the 
 troops were employed to make ducks 
 anddrakeswith the obans, on thefup- 
 pofition that this diverfion would al- 
 lure the enemy to the fea-fide, where 
 they might be knocked on the head 
 without further trouble : but the care 
 of their own fafety gut the better of 
 their curicfity on this occafion ; and 
 
 7 fi% 
 
Adventures of an Atom, 223 
 
 fifty thoufand obans were expended 
 in this manner, without bringing 
 one Chinefe from his lurking-hole. 
 -Confiderable damage was done to 
 the windows of the enemy. Then 
 ,the forces were landed in a village 
 which they found deferted. Here 
 .they burned fome fifliing-boats ; 
 and from hence they carried ofF 
 fome militaiy machines, which were 
 brought to Meaco, and conveyed 
 through the ftreets in procefiion, 
 amidfl: the acclamations of the Hy- 
 dra, who fung the praife of Taycho. 
 — Elevated by this triumph, themi- 
 nifter fent forth the fame armament 
 a fecond time under a new general 
 of his own choofing, whofe name 
 was Hylib-bib, who had long enter- 
 tained an opinion, that the inhabi- 
 tants of China were not beings of 
 flefh and blood, but mere fantaftic 
 ihadows, who could neither offend 
 nor be offended. Full of this opi- 
 / nion. 
 
224 ^f^^ mjlory and 
 
 nion, he made a defcent on the 
 coaftof that empire > and to convince 
 his followers that his notion was 
 right, he advanced fome leagues in- 
 to the country, without having taken 
 any precautions to fecure a retreat, 
 leaving the Fune at anchor upon an 
 open beach. Some people alledged, 
 that he depended upon the fagaclty 
 of an engineer recommended to him 
 by Taycho ; which engineer had 
 fuch an excellent nofe, that he could 
 fmell a Chinefe at the diftance of 
 ten leagues : but it feems the fcent 
 failed him at this jundture. Perhaps 
 the Chinefe general had trailed rufty 
 bacon and other odoriferous fub- 
 ilances to confound his fenfe of 
 fmelling. Perhaps no dew had fal- 
 len over night, and a ftrong breeze 
 blew towards the enemy. Certain 
 it is Hylib-bib, in the evening, re- 
 ceived repeated intelligence that he 
 was within half a league of a Chif 
 
 4 "^^^ 
 
Adventures of a?! Atom, 225 
 
 nefe general, at the head of a body 
 of troops greatly fuperior in number 
 to the Japonefe forces which he 
 himfelf commanded. He ftili be- 
 lieved it was all illufion ; and when 
 he heard their drums beat, declared 
 it was no more than a ridiculous 
 inchantment. He thought proper, 
 however, to retreat towards the fea- 
 fide ; but this he did with great de- 
 liberation, afterhaving given the ene- 
 tny fair notice by beat of drum. His 
 motions were fo flov/, that he took 
 feven hours to march three m.iles. 
 When he reached the fhore where 
 the Fune w^ere at anchor, he faw the 
 whole body of the Chinefe drawn 
 up on a rifmg ground ready to be- 
 gin the attack. He ordered his rear- 
 guard to face about on the fuppo- 
 iition that the phantoms v/ould dif- 
 appcar as foon as they fliewed their 
 faces ; but finding himfelf miftaken, 
 and perceiving feme of his own peo- 
 ple 
 
226 ^he Hijiory and 
 
 pie to drop, in confequence of mif- 
 files that came from the enemy, he 
 very calmly embarked with his van, 
 leaving his rear to amufe the Chi- 
 nefe, by whom they were, in lefs than 
 five minutes, either maflacred or 
 taken. From this fmall difgrace 
 the general deduced two important 
 corollaries ; firfl, that the Chinefe 
 were adually material beings capa- 
 ble of impulfion ; and fecondly, that 
 his engineer's nofe was not altoge- 
 ther infallible. The people of Meaco 
 did not feem to relifh the experi- 
 ments by which thefe ideas were af- 
 certained. The monfter was heard to 
 grunt in different ftreets of the me- 
 tropolis ; and thefe notes of difcon- 
 tent produced the ufual effedl in the 
 bowels of Fika-kaka : but orator 
 Taycho had his flowers of rhetoric 
 and his bowl of mandragora in rea- 
 dinefs. He affured them that Hy- 
 lib-bib fliould be employed for the 
 
 future 
 
Adventures of an Atom. 227 
 
 future In keeping fheep on the ifland 
 of Xicoco, and the engineer be 
 fent to hunt truffles on the moun- 
 tains of Ximo. Then he tendered 
 his dofe, which the Hydra fwallowed 
 with figns of pleafure; and laftly, 
 he mounted upon its back, and rode 
 in triumph under the windows of 
 the aftoniihed Cuboy, who, while 
 he jQiifted his trowfers, exclaimed 
 in a rapture of joy, ** All hail, Tay- 
 cho, thou prince of monfter-tamlng 
 men ! the Dairo fhall kick thy pof- 
 teriors, and I will kifs them in to- 
 ken of approbation and applaufe." 
 
 End of the First Volume, 
 
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