*-«. • *r ' '■ 39 '■•" : .•*•■''• Hnul tJ^^fc f*\'»* m'm. V.*' f<5^5?! jfy •'*$*iB fl ■ •• •'■ ■ ;■-■■■• mm Lffi^h.^' ; *58m 1 • • '■*'■". 1 . . Or*! f . 1 SIP ?8P ^Hftl flwls * ■K.*"y Bmgg'iC.Wgfnr- , B IBBR* &3 ^i ^mS^ H 9^ ■ 1 ■ '■'•••.' ^■iaBI KfjflHI ■.-•'■'-■ & $££ If if B TBI! Hi * / .at lean: I hoped to have the occafion of referring to them frequently in the notes, and making rhetorical flourijhes on their author, who pro- DEDICATION. ix profeffing to imitate Lucian, had fo imperfectly fludied that great original, and fo little profited by his excellent Dialogue of Lexiphanes, and his ad- mirable Eflay on the bed manner of writing hifiory. With fuch views, and with fuch ex- pectations, I immediately had recourfe to your Dialogues. But it was not long before I found my felf greatly dif- appointed, and difappointed in a moil agreeable manner. Inflead of being a- ble to mew them, pardon the freedom of the expreffion, as a fort of fcarecrow or beacon, a warning for others to a- void their faults ; I perceived they were a model of imitation, a pattern for all to follow ; and was foon made fenfible, I muft content myfelf with becoming a difiant and humble imitator of an au- thor, whom, but a few hours before, I thought to have made the object of my criticifms. But x DEDICATION. But if this was a fmall mortifica- tion, it was foon followed by a much more fenfible pleafure. If I could not expofe your Lordmip's writings as a warning to others, I found I could do what was much more for my purpofe, fupport my own opinion by their great and imqueftioned authority. The paf- fage I have in view, is fo appofite to the iubjecl in hand, and coincides fo entirely with my own fentiments, that I cannot refill the temptation of quot- ing it, notwithstanding it may be thought fomewhat improper in an ad- drefs to your Lordfhip. It is in the Di- alogue between Pliny the Elder, and Younger, where the uncle fays to the nephew, " Your eloquence had, I think, " the fame fault as your manners : it '•' was generally too afflefiied. You pro- " feiied to make Cicero your guide " and pattern. But when one reads " his Panegyrick upon Julius Csefar, " and DEDICATION. xi 4i and your's upon Trajan, the firft " feems the genuine language of truth " and nature, railed and dignified with " all the majefcy of the moft fublime " Oratory : the latter appears the ha- " rangue of a florid Rhetorician -, more " defirious to fiine, and to fetcffhis (( own wit, than to extol the great ,( man whofe virtues he was praiiing. ,> The ether makes the following an- fwer : " I will not queftion your judgment, either of my life or my writings. They might both have been better, if I had not been too folicitous to render them perfect. It is, per- haps, fome excufe for the affectation of my ftyle, that it was the fafhion of the age in which I wrote. Even the eloquence of Tacitus,, however nervous and fublime, was not unaf- fected. Mine, indeed, was more dif- fufe, and the ornaments of it were more tawdry ; but his laboured con- " cifenefs> xii DEDICATIO :\ . " cifenefs, the conitant ^ktiv of his' " diction, and pointed brilliancy of his " fentences, were no lefs unnatural. iC One principal caufe of this, I fup- " pofe to have been, that as wfe de- " fpaired of excelling the two great " mailers of Oratory, Cicero and Li-' " vy, in their own manner, we took " up another, which, to many, ap- " peared more faining, and gave our M compofitions a more original air. " But it is mortifying to me, to fay " much on this fubjec~t. Permit me, " therefore, to refume the contempla- *t tion of that, on which our converfa- " tion turned before." And here I am forry the nature of the fubjecl:, which is the famous erup- tion of Vefuvius, wherein the Ekler Pliny loft his life, prevented your pro- . ceeding any farther. It might, indeed, be a mortifying theme to the Panegy- rift of Trajan, but iurely it could not be (6 to the noble author of the Perfian Let- DEDICATION. xiii Letters, who had in them fhev/n fo line a tafte, and given fo many iiluftri- ous examples of the natural and fimple jEtyle. I regretted then, and my Lord, I ftill do regret VO u had not made it the fubjecl: of an entire Dialogue. It is well worthy of your mafterly pen ; and be- fides, you might have rendered it need- lefs for an nnknown, and what is much worfe, an inferior hand to undertake it. And yet I doubt, whether, upon fecond thoughts, your Lordfhip's man- ner be fo well fuited to the adverfaries you would have to cope withal. For believe me, as there is not in nature a vainer, a more felf-furricient and con- ceited, fo there cannot be a more un- feeling animal than an old veteran Lex- ip banes. His fenfations are naturally fo dull and obtufe, that I quefcion much if he would be in the leaft affected by the nice touches of your Lordihip's de- licate and refined raillery, fo much like that xiv DEDICATION. that of Addifon, and of which you have given fo beautiful an iiluftration as well as example in the admirable dialogue between Swift and him. Nay, you you have already determined this arti- cle againf!: yourfeif ; for in the clofe of that dialogue, where you affign their different province* to thofe two rival wits, you would have " Addifon-" em- ployed in comforting thofe whofe deli- cate minds are dejected with too pain- ful a {cnfe of forne infirmities in their nature ; and hold up to them his fair and charitable mirrour, which would bring to their fight their hidden excel- lencies, and put them in a temper fit for Elyfium." And this indeed feems to be the humane and benevolent pur- pofe of your Lordfhip's work. Where- as to Doctor Swift you " allot the talk of humbling the arrogant Hero, the vain Philofopher, and the proud Bigot." But * Dialogues of the Dead, pag. 32. DEDICATION. xv But I believe your Lordfhip will agree with me, that the hard back of the pe- tulant overbearing Pedant requires as much as any of the other characters, the fevere lames of that rod, which draws blood at every Jlroke. It is for this reafon, fupported by your great authority, and perhaps from a more cogent one (till, it's being better adapt- ed to my own temper and difpofition, that I have chofen the rough and coarfer manner of Swift, or rather Lucian. But to return from this digreffion, which cannot be altogether imperti- nent, as moft of it is taken from your Lordfhip j I muft add, that I no fooner found myfelf deceived, in fuppofing you tainted with Lexiphanicifm> which, I need not inform you, literally figni- fiies that finning affe Bed diction, you fo juftly condemn, than I determined, mould this piece ever be made pub- lick, as a fmall attonement for the tem- porary xvi DEDICATION. porary.injufcice I had done you, and that only in my thoughts, to infcribe it to your Lordfhip, and to implore your protection for it. And as your high rank and quality would not have deterred me from criticifing your works, had I found occafion ; fo it is not that alone, but your great merit and excellence, your acknowledged fuperiority as a writer, that has in a manner extorted this addrefs from me. But it has at the fame time embolden- ed me, not only to afk, but even to expefl your patronage and protection. For after all, my Lord, it is in reality more your bufinefs than mine. I have nothing to lofe, I am only a volunteer in the caufe, and can hope for nothing, but a fmall mare of the fpoil ; whereas you, coiifidered as an author, have a very great eftate at ftake ; I mean that honeit fame, and well deferved repu- tation in letters, which I know your. Lord* DEDICATION. xvii Lordfhip muft have taken fo much pains to acquire. In fhort, my Lord, if you at all regard That, you ought not to fuffer thofe Lexipbanefes, thofe Shiners, thofe Dealers in hard words, and abfurd phrafes, thofe Fabricators of Triads and Quaternions, and I know not what, to carry all before them in the manner they have lately done, and to perfuade themfelves and the pub- lick, that they are the only authors worth regard, and that their uncouth trafh is the fole ftandard of perfection in the Englifh tongue. There is as great an antipathy between a pure and natural writer, fuch as your Lordfhip, and a Lexiphanes* as there is between an elephant and a rhinoceros, When they meet, they are fure to fall foul of one another, moft commonly the Lex- iphanes firft, for the other often holds him too cheap, and the conteft is never at an end till one is deftroyed, ' c Be-* xviii DEDICATION, Beiides, the very circumftance of your being a man of fortune and quali- ty, will procure you worfe quarter from thofe Lexiphanefes, than a meer adventurer would have. The reafon is this. They are all, excepting the boys juft raw from the univerfity, au- thors by profeffion ; and they reckon a gentleman who writes, or in the lan- guage of the (hop, makes a book, an interloper who takes fo much of their trade out of their hands. They would much rather have his cuftom than his affiftance in what they all profefs, the improvement and inftrudtion of the reader. They look upon him with no friendlier eyes, than a taylor would on a man of fafhion, who mould take a- fancy to cut out and make up his own doaths. But that they entertain a particu- lar ipite againfr. noble authors, I mall give your Lordfhip a very pregnant, proof, and mew you, from the fate of DEDICATION. xix of others, what you have reafon to ex- pect. Highly as I efteem your writ- ings, and though I may think them, from their moral tendency and the ex-> cellent political inftrudtion contained in them, of more general benefit than theproductions of either Sheffield, Duke of Buckingham, or Granville, Lord Lanfdown ; yet, in refpect to elegance and purity of ftyle, there are few that can be deemed fuperior. On the con- trary, I am afTraid, the higheft praife any modern writer can now reafonably afpire to, is not to be excelled ip thefe articles by them. And yet that dogma- tical Pedant, who is the Hero, or rather the Butt in the following Dialogue, talk- ing of the fmall damage he imagines , letters have fuftained bythelofs of au- thors, once famous in their day, com- forts us, by fuppofmg, he does not tell . us for what reafon, they might be only the Sheffields and Granvilles of their times ; (I wonder, when his hand was c 2 in, xx DEDICATION. in, he did not add Clarendon, Tem- ple, Dorfet, in a word, every man of rank and fortune, who ever put pen to paper, he might have done it with e- qual juflicej) and then proceeds very gravely to inform us, pofterity will wonder, by what chance or accident, fuch men ever came to acquire any re- putation. Thefe Noblemen, my Lord, for the protection and encouragement they af- forded to letters, and for the honour they did them by their practice and ex- ample, were highly and juftly celebra- ted by all their rival and cotemporary wits, and by none more than the two greater! our nation ever produced, Dry- den and Pope, one of whom, at leafr, can never be fufpecTed of flattery. By him too your Lordihip has been greatly celebrated, for the other was gone long before you appeared, and yet both have not faved your predeceiTors from the attacks of this prefumptuous Pedant. My- DEDICATION. xxi My Lord, from the care and polifli-r ing I perceive you have beftowed on your writings, you mun: have been fomewhat earneft about their fuccefs,, and that reputation you have taken fuch pains to acquire, you cannot but wifh to preferve. Nor can you be in- different about the language of your native country, that country you love fo much, of which you are fo bright an ornament, and whofe excellent con- flitution you have iliuilrated, explained and defended, both in your publick and private capacity with fo great zeal and fuccefs. But, my Lord, the Ramblers of Mr. J n, who has, befides the advantage of being author of, what is believed, the only Grammar and Dic- tionary we yet have, not to mention many works of others, all in the fame ftrain, and much -applauded and fought after, are propofed with great confi- dence to the publick, not only by the man himfelf, but by his numerous fol- c 3 lowers xxii DEDICATION. lowers and admirers, as the bed model 6f writing, and the only fcandard of purity and elegance in the Englifh tongue; and what is worfe, are actu- ally thought to be (o by nine readers of ten in the nation. Hence the queftion plainly comes to this reiult. Whether we mail continue to write and fpeak the language tranfmitted down to us by our anceftors, who have hardly de- rived more honour to their country, from their numberlefs victories ob- tained, and gallant exploits performed in every quarter of the globe, than from their inimitable writings in every branch of fcience and literature; or whether we fliall adopt, I will not fay a new language, but a barbarous jargon, attempted to be impofed upon us, by a few School-mailers and Pe- dants, who owe all their credit to their petulance and impudence, who are e- qually ignorant of books and men, and who think they have done a fine thing when DEDICATION, xxiii when they have tack'd an EnglifTi ter- mination to a Latin word, and have huddled together a parcel of quaint un- meaning phrafes, whofe only effect is to make the ftupid reader flare, and cry 'tis mighty fine. 'Tis true, that in the Dialogue I have reprefented the overthrow of Lex- iphanicifm as a very defperate under- taking indeed. And though this might be partly done to heighten its humour, yet I muft confefs, that fuch were in a great meafure. my real fen timents at the time. But fince, and within thefe few months, I have fccn. many late performances, written in a pure and manly ftyle, and which I have the pleafure to fee from the number of their editions, have met with deferved fuccefs. From hence, and from fome other circumftances, I incline, to be- lieve, that the true tafie and Lexiphani- cifim> are at prefent pretty nearly on a balance, and that an additional weight, c 4 thrown. xxiv DEDICATION. thrown into the right fcale, would at once decide the bufinefs. And this weight, none is fo proper, or has fo much intereft to throw in, as your Lordfhip. Beiides, mould the advocates for -plainnefs zxi&Jimplicity be greatly out- numbered by their adverfaries, they are armed with a weapon, which the Lexi- fhanefes have not to ufe againft. them, and againft which, they have at the fame time no defence. It is not grave, folid reafoning from the genius of our language, the authority of our beft writers, and fo forth ; for in that cafe, you would foon be overpowered by a torrent of hard words and terms of art, which the ignorant multitude would immediately conftrue into deeper learn- ing. But it is Ridicule. And this powerful engine I have therefore em- ployed them. With what fuc- cefs your Lordfhip, and the publick mud foon determine. But DEDICATION. xxv But Ihould I prove unfuccefsful, you; my Lord, whofe concern it ought fo much to be, can ealily recommend the talk to another, who may poflefs happier talents, and perform it in a more fatisfa&ory manner. As for me, I mall account it fufficient honour, to have ftarted the game, tho 5 I mould be thrown out in the chace, and fliouid not even be prefent at the death. Having troubled you fo long, I mull conclude this Addrefs as abruptly as it began, indulging, at the fame time, a favourite piece of vanity, by declaring, in this public k manner, that I have the good fenfe, tafte and judgment, to be Your Lordfhip's Sincere Admirer, And molt Obedient Humble Servant, PRE- ( xxvii ) PREFACE. CT^H E fcope and intention of the following performance ) is fo fully fet forth in the Title and Dedication, that little more need be faid of it in the preface. But I think it not amifs to inform the Reader, that this Dia- logue, together with the fale of Authors, and fome other imitations of Lucian, was ccmpofed about three years ago in one of our American Colonies, as is well known to many in that country. Some friends, and one gentleman in particular, to whom I lay under many other obligations, and perhaps ozved both leifure and fpirits to refume fome long-interrupted and well-nigh forgotten ftudies, thought fo well of the plan, and approved of the intention fo much, that they attempted getting it printed at the time and place where it was firfi writ- ten ; and with this view, and at their requefl, I put it in the ft ate it now is. How this at- tempt came not to fucceed, is immaterial, and I only mention it, becaufefcme things feem to have been xxviii PREFACE, been written for that time r andfome authors are taken notice of who though fine e dead, were then at the height cf their reputation. I had alfo begun and made feme progrefs in r preface wherein I endeavoured to account for the late manifeft decline of tafte and good writ- ing among us, and to prcpofe fome remedies for the fame. But finding I had not lights fufficient to execute fuch a tafe as it ought to be, and that were it fo do?ie, it would be much too large for the was intended to in- troduce into the world, ' 1 left it unfinifhed\ and now find that what I had written is en- tirely loft, owiKg to fome of t thofe many acci- dents urn le in a wandering unfettled life. I wonder, indeed, the following papers efcaped the fame fate, halving been carelefsly toft about, and altogether ncglecled by me for- above two years paft. 1 doubt not but Lexi- phanes'sjani wit- tily fuggeft, it would have been up damage if they had; be this however as it may, on re- vifing them new for the prefs, I chofe to let them go as I found them, with the addition of enly a few notes. Net that I would hereby : 1 : them faultlefs ; on the con- ;.-, I am afraid the Rbapfody is rather too long, PREFACE. xxix , and even, that it is not fo highly finijhed as it ought to be, that is to fey, it is not fuffi- iienlly Lcxiphanick, if I may ufe the exprefe fion. There are, moreover, a few loofe pajfa- ges in it, which I am ferry may be thought to . require an apology. But they are wrapt up infuch a mift cf hard words, that to itnder- ftand them, requires a clofer intimacy with Lexiphanes, than methinks any fine lady ought to have. Be/ides, the original is infinitely more licentious than the copy. This naturally led me into them at fir ft, but the true reafen why, on a revifal, I retained them, is what follows. 1 really thought the applying thofe cant words and affected phrafes, in that fenfe, was the beft way of ridiculing and expo- fing them, and [hould this Dialogue ever be- come any way popular, it would mcfi effectually hanifto them out of good company arid polite writing. I own, likewife, that the references are neither fo numerous, nor perhaps fo accu- rate as they might have been. This is owing to my having loft feme feat t ere d loofe papers^ wherein, with a great deal of pains and la- bour, I had marked down, with their proper references cf pages and numbers, moft of the absurdities I met with en perufmg Mr. J- — n's works? xxx PREFACE. works, andfome others cf the like Jl rain, and from thence bed transferred them, as I thought they would come in befi into tht .bciy, and thofe other parts of the Dia Lexiphanes is the fpeaker. There was no c . dy this lofs, if it really be one, than to go through the fame moft irkfome tajk ever in. But I could not prevail on myfelf to do it. Truth was, I did not care to be rak- ing any more among their filth and trafh, for fear fome of it might ftick to myfelf. For in this work, I am 'no other than a literary fca- ger •, a fort of gentry very neceffary to the s cf others, but by no means the clean- li eft folks in the world themfelves. ' As to the reft of the Dialogue, which is, in- deed, the principal part y and wherein I have endeavoured tofJiew, as well as my poor abi- . lities would permit me, both by precept and example, how to write better, I freely own, after a very eareful examination, whether re- fpecling its ccndutl, file, or fenliments, I do not find any thing I can alter, at leaf, for the :r : and I therefore abandon it as lawful . booty to the Cri ticks to life it as they pleafe. Should it be afked why I have Publifhed it, ■■pafeflicns I confefs it hath. 1 an- PREFACE. xxxi anfwer, that though this is not defignedfor a temporary things but may left and even be life- fill when our Lexiphanefes are forgotten, yet ■ifsficcefs, and what is pretty odd, if s own reputation depends ; in fome meafure, on the greatnefs of thofe very reputations it is intend- ed to demolifto and overturn. A bad and a cor- rupt tafte is ever fickle and changing, Sotm new Lexiphanefes may foon arife, who, foot- ing a bolt beyond Mr. J — ;/, in his Ramblers, or Mr. Ak — de, in his Pleafures of Imagina- tion, may deprive them of that fame they cer- tainly never deferved to enjoy, and at the fame time efiablifh their own on the ruins. They may likewije write in a different manner, in a manner more difficult to hit, and confequently to ridicule and expo fe, in which cafe this per- formance, about which I confefs to have taken a good deal of pains, would be, at the very fir ft, no better than that wafte-paper it may come to be at laft. I am afraid it hath loft fome ofifs force and propriety already, and the longer it is delayed, rnuft lofe the mere. Befides, ex- peeling, at leaft hoping foon to leave this coun- try, to which I may never return, the prefenf might be the only opportunity I fhonld ever have of printing it, which I was not willing t$ xxxii P R E F A C E. to neglect, for with all its faults, 1 1 think it may be eminently ufeful to the publich, in correcting and fet ting right the tafte of young writers, and of young gentlemen at tl :nd univerfity, who are fo naturally led af- tray by the falfe glitter of Mr. J n's profe, and the fublimi nonfenfe of Mr.Ak—de's verfe. For there is good reafon to believe, that were the Ramblers a?id Pleafures of Imagination en the one hand, and the Spectators and Dry- den's Fables on the other, the one the ; Ity and affecJed, the other the befi and pu- refi of all works of their kind, to be ballotted for as fchool-books, in an affembly of all the mafiers and fchool-boys of the iiation-, there is good reafon to believe, I fay, that the former would carry it againfi the latter, by a majority of at leaf ten to one. There has been much talk about correcting?;, improving and aicertaining a living tongue, as well in our own country, as among the French and Italians. Many great writers, and if ' Fm [flake not, Doclor Swift among the reft, have thought a Grammar and Dictionary neceffary for that purpofe, and have therefore lamented the want of them. I have declared my opinion of tbefe in the D hut jh all here PREFACE. Kxxiii here do it more at large, 'lis certain that a Grammar or Dicli unary, if good for any thing, muft be compiled or extracled from good au- thors -, but that thefe again fhould become ne- ceffary, and even indifpenfible to form, or ra» ther to create good authors, appears to me, I confefs, fome thing like a circle in logic k, or the perpetual motion in mechanicks-, the one a vicious mode of reafoning, and the other a downright impoffibility. 'Tis true, they may be ufeful to ladies or country fquires, to avoid p.n error in fpelling, and now and then a grofs blunder or impropriety infpeech. And farther I conceive their utility, however boafted of 9 does not extend -, unlefs, indeed, in a dead Ian- guage, or to a foreigner who ftudies a living one, in the fame manner we are obliged toftudy Greek or Latin. But an author or an orator, who takes upon him to write or fpeak to the people in their own tongue, ought to be above confulting them. Be/ides, if we have recourfe to experience and matter of facl, the fur eft criterion in all fuch affairs, we fhall perceive, that as the want of them has been no lofs, fo when pro- cured^ they have done as little fervice. Ho- mer and Virgil, Demofthenes and Cicero, d Thucidides xxxiv PREFACE. tfhucidides and Livy, all wrote without Grammar or Dictionary, and moft of them without fo much as knowing what they were. So have all the left writers of Italy, France and England. Nor do I hear that the Diclionaries of the two former, though compiled by bodies of men, the moft illuftrious for their learning, have done any mighty feats fince their appearance -, that they have fixed or eftablijhed their refpeclive languages, or made the writers in either, a whit more elegant and eorrecl than they would have been without them. We too, in imitation of them, muft al- fo have our Dictionary. But by whom is it compiled? By Lexiphanes himfelf, the great corrupter of our tafte and language. I own I have never had opportunity to confult either the French or Italian Diclionaries ; but Mr. J n's, I am certain, falls infinitely fhort cf what I conceive it ought to be, to anfwer purpofe it is pretended to ferve. It ought to contain, in a manner, a diftintl treatife on every word that is, or ever has been in ufe, branched cut into a ihoufand particulars very difficult to enumerate, but ahnoft impoffible to execute. And what man or body of men are \l to fuch a tajk ? Be/idss, were it execu- ted, PREFACE. xxxv 9$d\ who could life it, or reap any benefit from it ? It would be in it f elf a library ', infinitely more voluminous than the abridgment of our laws in twenty Volumes Folio, or even than our laws themfelves at large. In fhort, we may pronounce a perfetl Dictionary to be like the Philofopher's Stone, once a great Defide- ratum among feme people, impoffible to obtain, and which, perhaps, we are better without. The celebrated Doclor Swift, in his propo- fal for correcting, improving, and ascertain- ing the Englifh Tongue, ftrenuoujly recom- mends the inftitution of a fociety compofed of fuch perfons, as are generally allowed to be bed qualified for fuch a work, namely, the fixing, correcting, and enlarging our language , without any regard to quality, party, or profeffion : and who, to a certain number, at leaf!, fhould aflemble at fome appointed time and place, and fix on rules by which they defigned to proceed. That fuch a fo- ciety inftituted at that time, and compofed of -perfons, appointed by Swift himfelf, or by the great man to whom the propofal is addreffed \ might have been eminently ufeful for the pur- pofes there mentioned, 1 fljall not, by any meanSy bring into queftion. But then, who d 2 would xxxvi PREFACE. would warrant the immortality ofthofeperfons,' or that their fuccejfors Jhould be pcjfeffed of the fame abilities, and animated with the fame fpirit ? In that fuppofition, indeed, it is pcf- Jible fuch Lexipbanick fuftian, as we haze lately been pcfiered with, might never have bad exifience, at leafi, never been heard of. But in the Jit nation things now are, I think I may venture to ajfert, without any danger of rajhnefs, that if fuch a fociety had been infti- tuted a few years agx>, and I know not but it would be the fame at prefent, cur great Lexi- cographer, the excellent Rambler, would have been elecled Secretary, and, perhaps, the Bri- tifh Lucretius, of whom more hereafter, ap- pointed Regifier of it. 'Then, indeed, matters would have been much worfe, and really paft redemption. For who would have been fo hardy as to attack, and on the f core of their language too, the Secretary and Regifier of an jiaidemy erecledfor correcting) improving, and afcertairting that very language -, and at t be- head of which, mofl certainly would have been every the moft illuftrious name and character :ie nation. Even as the cafe now ftands r attempt is, by fome, I know, thought too ng for - a private per f on. Perhaps it may be PREFACE. xxxvii be true, that nothing can entirely juftify him in it but Juccefs ; though, indeed, my per feci indifference, at haft, with refpecl to private concerns, whether it fucceed or no, may plead my excufe. Having thus, and I think on very fufficient grounds, rejecled as improper aud inadequate every method hitherto propofed, though byfome of our great eft men, for the laudable purpofes of fixing and ascertaining our Mother Tongue, it may be thought incwmbent on me, to propofe another which may fupply the deficiencies of ethers. I have already done it in the Dedi- cation, The corrupters of cur tongue, in the days of Swift and Steele, were pert lively fops -, they' were great curtailers of words, and took a plea fare in lopping off their firft and loft fyl- lables, as owls bite off the feet of mice, in or- der to confine and fatten them. But our mo- dern gentry are quite the reverfe of the others ; they are grave, folemn, formal coxcombs, and have much mere cf the afs than the ape in their compofttion ; they cannot endure en elifion, are mighty fond of long-tailed worm-like words, and as they think cur own language does not af- ford a fufficient ftock cf 'them, they import them in great quantities from the. Greek and Latin. There- xxxviii PREFACE. Therefore they are the -proper eft objects of; cule in the world, and though from their ftupi- dity, pride, or conceit, they may not fmart Jo /merely at firft, under the lafn, as a livelier dunce -, yet it rnuft have a greater and more rable effecl upon them at I aft -, and whatever /ondne/s they may expre/s in imitation of their Principal for jocularity and burlefque, harm- lefs merriment, eafy facetioufnefs, and flow- ing hilarity •, yet as they are altogether inca- pable of making a retort, and quite unprovided with any means of defence, they rnuft foon be laught out of all their followers and admirers, and left Jingle and deftitute by themf elves. There are now, and I truft always will be, many per fins 0/ real tafte and wit in the nation, and were they to join, in a/cheme of this fort, and mutually encourage and fup- port one another in the pro/ecution of it, they would find it a much more effeclual means than all the Dictionaries and Academies in the world, for preventing our language being infecled by any fpecies of corruption, particularly that which feems to threaten it moft at pre/ent. In a word, whenever a Lexiphanes makes his ef- c ape from his ufnal neft or den, a fchool or a begins to acquire a reputation* to make PREFACE. xxxix make a nc'ife in the world, to take upon him., and to treat the reft of mankind as if they were fo many boys, or his pupils ftill trembling under his Ferula, let them inftantly fall upon him as the birds do upon an owl which appears by day-light ', and drive him back to his original obfcurity and lurking places -, in a word, hunt him down without mercy, as I have endea- voured to do by this great unlick'd Cub, who came fir ft in my way, and is indeed the moft confpicuous of them all. A RGU- ARGUMENT. MR. J n or the Englifh Lexiphanes and the Critick meet. After fome compli- ments paft between them, Lexiphanes rehearfcs his Rhapfody. It contains a rant about Hilarity and a Garret ; Oroonoko's adventure with a Soldier ; his own journey to Highgate, and ad- ventures there and on the road ; his return to London, and lawfuit about his horfe ; his walk to Che) Tea, where he plays at fkittles ; his being frightened by a calf on his return, which he miftakes for the Cock-lane Ghoft ; his amours and difappointments at a Bagnio. Ke is now interrupted by the Critick, who takes him to taik for his hard words and affected ftyle, and thinking him mad, applies to a Phyfician pailing by, who proves to be the Britiih Lucretius. He repeats a great many verfes, and the Critick gets rid of him with fome difficulty. Another Doc- tor comes up, who is the Critick's friend. They talk together upon Lexiphanes's cafe, and other matters concerning tafte and writing. They force him to ftvaliow a potion which makes him throw up many of his hard words. The Doc- tor goes to a confultation, and the Critick in- ftructs Lexiphanes how to avoid his former faults, and Write better for the future. LEXL LEXIPHANES. A DIALOGUE. Critick. J n. First Physician*. Second Physician. Critick. SEEJ n yonder, our Engliui Lexi- phanes, marching along with a huge folio under his arm. Some new piece I'll warrant, in the flile of his Ramblers. I mall be well entertained, if he is in a read- ing humour -, a thing he is often fonder of than many of his hearers. J N. Mofl happily occurred, my very benevo- lent convivial alfociate. Behold, A novel exhibition whicn is purely virginal, and which has never been critically * furveyed by any annual or diurnal retailer of litera- ture, in this fo fignal -f- a metropolis. * Rambler No. 1 o. critically condemned. f I beg leave to obferve here once for all, that I do not intend to confine myfelf to a clofe imitation B ' cf 2 LEXIPHANES. Critick. What! a new romance, cr a fecond Raf- felas of Abyflinia ? j *. Without dubiety you mifapprehend this dazzling icintiilation of conceit in totality*, and had you had that conflant recurrence to myoraculous dictionary, which was incum- bent upon you from the — vehemence of my monitory injunctions, it could not have es- caped you that the word novel exhibits to ail men dignified by literary honours and fcientifical accomplilhments, two difcrepant fignificatiofK. The one imports that which you of Lexiphanes's manner of writing only, but pro- pole ro Oiew by example the abfurdity of hard words, i-.nd affettation in general. For inilance, the words novd and Itgnal are not much ufed by Lexiphanes, that I remember, but Gordon, in his Tacitus, is mighty fond of them. They are here affected, as they generally are in Gordon, yet have been ufed by fame of our belt writers, though very fparingly. But bad authors have the fame influence on words', that the dregs of the people have upon drefs. • Rambler, No. 141. f RalTelas, C5V. and con- tinues reading till interrupted by the critic The fragment here given, without either beginning or ending, is fuppofed to be only a fmall part of a larger work; for Mr. J n tells us, he inchoates n>:itb one of its mofl delicious morfels of criticifm. Lu- cALn begins and ends his Sympofium in the fame abrupt manner, and though it be in itfelf a matter of perfect indifference, I thought it better to follow the example of fo great an original. I,EXIPHANES. 9 " After our pod-meridional refection, re- joined Hypertatus, we will regale with a iupernumerary compotation of convivial ale, fo adapted to exhilarate the young, and ani- mate the torpor of hoary wifdom with fallies of wit, burfts of merriment, and an unin- termitted dream of jocularity. From this aMemblage of feftivity we will unanimouuV extrude thofe fcreech-owls whofe only care is to crufh the rifing hope, to damp the kind- ling tranfport, and allay the golden hours of gaiety with the hateful drofs of grief and fufpicion. Such is Sufpirius, whom I have now known fifty-eight years and four months, who has intercepted the connubial conjunction of two hundred and twenty fix reciprocal hymeneal folicitors by prognof- tications of infelicity, and has never yet paITed an hour with me in which he has not made fome attack upon my tranquillity, by reprefenting to me, that the imbecillities of age, and infirmities of decrepitude are com- ing fail upon me. Indeed to thofe whofe timidity of temper fubjects them to extem- poraneous impreflions, who iuffer by fafci- nation, and catch the contagion of mifery, it is extreme infelicity to live within the oompafs io L E X I ? K A N E S. compafs of a fcreech-owFs voice. There- fore let us avoid Sufpirius with a ftudied fe- dulity, and mould we fortuitoufly meet him in the multifarious confluxes of men, let us rcprefs the folicitude of his advances with a frigid eracioufnefs*. " We (hall iikewife emancipate our convi- vial aiTbciaricn from Mr. Frolick, that dif- fcipinator of the knowledge of what is echo- ed in the flreets of London, who takes ad- vantage of reverential modefty with defpo- tick and dictatorial powers of prefcribing, and impofes upon ruflick underftandings with a falie exhibition of univerfal intelli- gence, catches of interruption, brifknefs of interrogation, and pertnefs of contempt f. He thinks us unworthy of the exertion of his powers, or his faculties are benumb'd by rural itupidity, as the magnetick needle lofes its animation by approximating the po- lar • For mci: of the hard word?, quaintne/Tes, and nt iurdities of ftyle in this paragraph, confult the character of Sufpirius the fcreech-owl, in the Ram- Her, No 59. f For the delicious morfels of eloquence, ^nd choice flowers of fpeech in this and the next para- graph, fee the characters of Me fF. Frolick and Phi- l'Xniie;, Rambler, No. Or, -2. I.EXIPHANES. ii lar climes. Therefore we fhall treat him *ith rultick fincericy, and drive him as an impoftor to regions of more credulity. " ButFhilomides fhall be welcome to us, who pofTeiTes good humour, that fubaltern endowment, which is the balm of being, a perennial moliitude of manners, facility of approach, and fuavity of difpofition. " We lliall aTo have the company of Hi- larius who enjoys a flattering and alluring fuperiority conferred by the powers of con- version, an extemporaneous fprightlinefs of fancy, and fertility of fentiment. He has applied his faculties to jocularity and bur- lefque, and his imagination is heated to fuch a (late of activity ' and ebullition, that on every occaficn it fumes away in evapora- tions of gaiety, and never fails to kindle up a blaze of merriment. Nor fhall we even refufe the affociation of * Gelafimus, who, though his priority is not acknowledged, was the fir ft who gave a full explication of all the properties of the Catenarian curve. His merit introduced him to fplendid ta- bles, where he was entangled in many cere- monial perplexities from which all his dia- grams * Ram. No, 179. 12 LEX I PHAN ES. grams could not extricate him, and was ibmetimes engaged with female difputants with whom his algebraick axioms had no great weight, and to whom he was very little recommended by his theory of the tides, and approximations to the quadrature cf the circle. Nor wanted Gelafimus pene- tration to difcover that no charm was more generally irrefiftible than that of eafy face- tioufnefs and flowing hilarity. He therefore came to a fudden refolution of throwing off the cumbrous ornaments of learning, and commencing a man of wit and jocularity. Though utterly unacquainted with every topick of merriment, yet he never fails to laugh whenever he ftirs the fire, fills a glafs, removes a chair, or fnuffs a candle, as laugh- ter he knows is a token of alacrity. Thus his rifibility will be kept in inceflant exer- citation by Hilarius's powers of delighting. He will even afford a topick of merriment himfelf, for thofe who defire to partake of the pleafure of wit, mult contribute to its production, fince the mind ftagnates with- out external ventilation, and that efflore- scence of the fancy, which flafhes into tranfport, LEXIPHANES. *j tranfport, can be raifed only by the infufior* of diflimilar ideas *. " Then, when we fhall have received a fnfficient ftream of poflerior invigoration, and elevated our powers to a due animation, by the quaffing of our convivial ale, we will refrigerate with an ambulatory circumrota- tion in the Park, and return homewards with the conizations of declining day. For the feafon of the year is now come in which the regions of luxury are for a while unpeo- pled, and pleafure leads forth her votaries to groves and gardens, to (till fcenes, and erratick gratifications. For I cannot but fufpect, that this month, bright with fun- fhine and fragrant with perfumes ; this month which covers the meadow with ver- dure, and decks the gardens with all the mixtures of colorifick radiance -, this month from which the man of fancy expects new infufions of imagery 5 and the naturalifl new exhibitions of obfervation ; this month will congeal multitudes into a flate of hopelefs wifhes and pining recollection, where the eye * For the hard words and afFe&ed phrafes in this paragraph, confult the characters of Gdafimus and Hilarius in the Rambler, i 4 LEXIPHANES. eye of vanity will, in vain, look round for* admiration, and the hand of avarice fhufHe cards, in a bower, with inefficacious dex- terity *. " In relation to myfelf, I will recede to my garret. For the gaiety and fprightlinefs of dwellers, in elevated regions, is probably owing to the encreafe of that vertiginous motion with which we are carried round by the diurnal revolution of the earth. The powers of agitation upon the fpirits are well known, and nothing is plainer, than that he who towers to the fifth florv, is whirled through more fpace by every circumrotation, than another that grovels upon the ground floor. Indeed, I think a frequent removal to various diftances from the center fo necef- fary to a jure eftimate of intellectual abili- ties, that I would prooofe that there mould be a cavern dug, and a tower erected like thofe which Bacon defcribes in Solomon's hcufe, for the expanfion and concentration of understanding, according to the ex'gence of * The above rant is, I believe, taken almoll word for word from the Rambler, though, for want of a good Index, I cannot at prefent point out the number. L E X I P H A N E S. 15 of different employments or conftitutions. Perhaps, lbme that fume away in medita- tions on time and fpace in the tower, might compofe tables of intereft at a certain depth, and he, that upon level ground, ftagnates in filence, or creeps in narrative, might, at the height of half a mile, ferment into mer- riment, fparkle with repartee, and froth with declamation. I have difcovered, by a long feries of obfervations, that indention and elocution fuffer great impediments from denie and impure vapours, and that the te- nuity of a defecated air, at a proper difcance from the furface of the earth, accelerates the fancy, and fets at liberty thofe intellectual powers which were before fhackied by too ftrong attraction, and unable to expand themlelves under the preifure of a grofs at- mofphere. I have found dullnefs to quicken into fentiment in a thin ether, as water not over-hot boils in a receiver partly exhauft- ed, and heads to appearance empty, have teemed with notions on rifing ground, as the flaccid fides of a football would have fwelled cut into ftiffnefs and erection. All which perhaps, I may reveal to man- kind 16 LEXIPHANES. kind in a treatife on barometrical pneu- matology§." " Thus concluded Hypertatus his elabo- rate diiTertation on convivial Ale, Hilarity, Merriment, and a Garret. Pie then mewed me a moll encomiailick veneration, over- whelmed me with a lufcioufnels of eulogy, and bellowed on me magnificent remunera- tory honours*, for the prime radical excel- cncies, perfpicacity of remarks, and verfatile plaftick imagination f difplayed in my Ram- blers, which, on that account, he imagin- ed, when I compofed them, I had quitted mv j § In order t« underftand the beauties of this pa- ragraph, confultHypertatus's letter to the Rambler, upon the conveniencies and advantages of a Garret. This is one of Mr. J n's chef d'aewvres, both for ftile and matter. Befides, which is not very frequent with him, he makes an attempt in this place at wit and humour, but with his ufual fuccefs. Of this however more hereafter. Hitherto Hypertatus, Mr. J n's friend and correfpondent, is fuppofed to be the fpeaker in the Rhapfody; and the praifes of con-jivial ale, hilarity t merriment, and a garret are all put in his mouth. Lexiphanes himfelf relates from henceforth what follows in his own perfon. * Rambler, No. 104. f Warton's EfTay on Pope. LEXIPHANES. i 7 my garret, and afcended into the Cock- loft. He called me EXCELLENT R A M B L E R i| ! " Afterwards he requeued me to accom- pany him in his ambulatory projects, but I tranfmitted him a declinature J on account of the pain which I fuffered from fome ar- tificial excoriations which I had contracted on a very refpectable part of my body, by the fevere fuccufTations of a conductitious freed when Iw r as taking a tollutation to High- gate* " I had laid the flrictefl monitory in- junctions on Oroonoko, my fwarthy boy of Ethiopian race, to hie before as my precur- for *, and befpeak a vefpertine collation at a Caravanferay, whofe matter was moil re- nown'd for culinary fcience and economical accompliihments. But the Renegado dis- obeyed my moll abfolute commands, and as he was paffing through Field-Lane, his ol- factory powers being affected by odoriferous fleams, lured him to linger in the fhops of C culinary j| Warton's Eflay 011 Pope. X Robertfon's Hiflory of Scotland, Vol. zd, Set ♦he flory of Mas David Black. Warton, ut fupra, 18 LEXIPHANES. culinary retailers, and banquet upon favo- ry fheep's heads, prime pigs pettytoes, and plump plumb-pudding. His powers of manducation and digeftion being now fa- tiated-, and being fatisfied of my firm adhe- rence to a rational and equitable adaptation of penalties to offences, and under no terror of death, the ftrongeft and mofl operative of prohibitory fanctions -f, the thirity fever that raged in his throat, hurried Lim, with all the ardor of precipitation, to the fign of the man arrayed in vernal livery. Replete with pecuniary impudence, from having withheld the change of a quarter image of our mofc amiable fovereign, which I had yefterday given him in order to acquire a faufageary refection with an intention of re- fufcitating and invigorating my powers which were languid and debilitated with fe- dulity of application in abitracting an octa- vo from my folio dictionary, he fat down on a bench fuccumbing under laflitude and indigeftion, called for beer with all the vo- ciferation of impatience, and thus began : T' inebriate at brifk porter's fountain head, And reeling thro' the wildernefs of joy •, Where f Ram. No. 114. LEXIPHANES. 19 Where fenfe runs favage, broke from rea- fon's chain, And fang falfe peace. Night Thoughts, " For, behold, on a vicinary bench, fate a plunder-fed * foldier, between whom and Oroonoko, in the courfe of the vivacious lo- quacity of their evening compotations f a- rofe an unextinguifhable feud, a mutual vi- gilance to entrap, and eagernefs to deilroy, a continual exacerbation of hatred, and in- ceflant reciprocation of mifchief J. This Thrafo afTuming a faflidious tumour of dig- nity, with negative rudenefs and obliquities ofinfult, effufed his invidious fare afms, and defcants on the negro darknefs of Oroono- ko, who now verging towards a ftate of in- ebriation, his intellects became diftorted with argumental delirium, the controverfy was foon inflamed to the higheft pinnacle of exacerbation, and then he bellowed reitera- ted percufftons on the intellectual regions of this plunder-fed foldier. Thus commenced C 2 acir- * Blscfcwell, court of Auguftus. f Ram. No. 133, 141. % Ram. No. 185. 20 LEXIFHANES; a circulatory war *. The foldier efTayed to refift, but in vain, for he was foon necef- 'fi rated to fuccumb, if not under the men- tal, at lead under the manual fuperiority of Oroonoko. The bread of this difcomfited militant was now corroded with envy,, for which, when it has attained its height, per- haps, no remedy will be found in the gar- dens of philofophy : however, fhe may bo aft her phyfick of mind, her catharticks of vice, or lenitives of palTion -f-. He wil- lingly fuffered the eorrofions ef inveterate hatred, and gave up his thoughts to the gloom of malice, and the perturbations of itratagem. In curt, he applied to a prefs- gang then in the vicinity, and got Oronoo- ko conveyed into a tender, from which I relieved him not, till after frequent felici- tations and many fruftraneous applications of if iter eft. " Thus was I conftrained to take a fblita- ry excurfion. Moreover my palfrey was fpa- vinated, fo that being compelled to flog and calcitrate with all the ardour of impatience, lie agitated me with fuch fevere and desul- tory commotions, that I fuffered a total pe- rineal Gordon's Tacitus. f Ram. No. 2, LEXIPHANES. 2 1 rineal excoriation, which not emollients could medicate, the powers of medicine alleviate, nor the fkill of phyficians elude. But this, •my fole misfortune, at that timewas not*. The fpavi nation of my fleed being now •meliorated by the warmth -f of exercitation; and by the due alternate application of the curbing, flogging and fpurring powers, having reduced him to an equable and me- -derate equitation, I continued tollutating a- long with the molt placid tranquillity, me- ditating the fubjecl: of a vernal /peculation. But all of a fudden, my powers of attention were arrouzed, my meditations fufpended, and my concatenation of feminal ideas total- ly dhTipated by a violent conquafTation of the umbrageous foliage above, and a ma- nifefb concuffion of the earth below. Tis, indeed, wonderful, as with all the powers of defcriptive poetry, the Britifli Lucreti- us J expreffes it, * War at that time ihere tvas none. Thus Gordon, -the firit 2fFec~ted author, who feems to have met with encouragement from our great men, chufes to tranilate the following very fimple paflage in Ta- citus. Nullum ea tempejlate helium. f Vid. Lucian. 1 Some of Mr, J 's friends may here ob- C 3 je&, zi LEXIPHANES. With what accumulated force, Th 5 impetuous nerve of pafuon urges on The native weight and energy of THINGS. Pleaf. of Imagination, " The caufe of this convulfive motion in nature, was acongrefs between a bard of fig- nal celebrity, %vA one of thole nymphs who enjoy a perpetual iufceptibility of occafional de- jc&, that his fentiments, with refpect to this poet, are mifreprefented, and that no where in his writ- ings hath he either commended him or called him the Britifh Lucretius. But I anfwer, that I am as far from imputing to him any of the opinions ad- vanced in this Rhapfcdy, as I am from fathering upon him any of the adventures contained in it. ' Tis a fufEcient warrant for me, if fome authors of ncte in the world have praifed Ak e, and ftiled him our Lucretius. Befides, I have not thar defpi- cable notion of Mr. J 's tafte, efpecially in poetry, fome people afreet to have. If we may judge of it, from what he hath himfelf done in that Way, he mufl defpife the other as heartily as I do. His imitations of Juvenal are truely excellent, and as much fuperior to the pleafures of imagination, as the Ramblers are inferior to the Tatlers and Specta- tors . The truth is, Mr. J n has too much good fenfe to admire, and too great fkill in the po- litick of literature to applaud any body's nonfenfe but his own. LEXIPHANES. 23 delight. They were in the height of the complicated joy, eagerly co-operating and mutually accelerating the intended event *, juft as I happened to be ambling along. My fleed alarmed and terrified at thefe tu- multuary phenomena, alternately plunged down his head, reared up on his pofteriors, and at laft dejected me with a headlong pre- cipitation into a muddy ditch, and then, with an incredible acceleration of velocity, vertiginated along the arable, impregnated with a grain, which in England feeds the horfes, but in Scotland fupports the peo- ple f . Annihilation and exiflence were now * EfTay on Pope. Elem. of Criticifm. f The above is the definition given of oats by Lexiphanes in his very facetious dictionary, and is, no doubt, intended by him for a farcafm againft the Scotch ; a people he is /aid to hold in high contempt, and, in my opinion, very juftly too, for mofl of them, I have been told, are his great ad^ mirers, and fo much his very humble fervants, that they think it even an honour to be abufed by him. For my own part, the more I ftudy this exalted ge- nius, the more I am forced to admire him. For in- llance, one mould naturally expect wit and humour in periodical Eflays, Novels, and Romances ; but read his Ramblers and RafTelas, you meet with nothing like it, nothing but what he calleth, ftern pbilofophy, C 4 dolour 24 LEX-IPHANES. fo nearly equiponderant, that they lay in the trepidations of the balance. I rifqucd a fubaqueous voyage *, a total interruption of reciprocal refpiration, a -f comminu- tion of life, in curt, a forisfamiliate out of the univerfe, But our poet's powers of comrniferst'on being arrouzed at fuch a compafilonable object as I then exhibited, furTered not his ardour for a reciprocation of pleasures and multiplying flipulations to preponderate over his feelings of humanity. He hied with all the ardour of folicitude to deliver me from thofe flagnated waters of collected impurity, where a frigorifick tor- por had already begun to encroach on my yeins. dolourous declamation i and dictatorial injiruclion :. whereas confult bis dictionary, and there you have it with a vengeance. In fhert, he is author of the firft witty dictionary that ever was heard of. This, However, is not all. Befides, being witty and fa- cetious, 'tis alio national, perfonal, political, and patriotica! ; in a word, every thing but what it ought to be. For proof of which, befide the afoie- Uid article of oats, confult his definitions of Excife, Favourite, Gazetteer, Penfion, Penfioncr, Revolu- tion, &c. * Ram. No. 109. f Ram. No. icS. E'cm. of Criticifm. LEXIPHANES. 25 veins*. He floop'd fublime -f- , and at laft re- inflated me, and when my powers of obfer- vation were refufcitated, exhibited an unu- fual appearance to my view. A ruddy pie- nilunar refplendant countenance, a vigorous athletick herculean form, arrayed in a rutty black coat, and dirty buck-fkin breeches. Senfible of the univerfality of the caufe of my prefect infelicities, I rouzed up all my particular powers of dolorous declamation, and warbled my groans with uncommon elegance and energy £. I effufed the follow- ing ejaculation againft the whole fpecies of nymphs who enjoy a perpetual fufceptibility of occaflonal delight §. " May Lais, Thais, Limax, Lupa, Succu- ba, Quadrantaria, Obolaria, Euriole, Sthe- nio, Medufa, Erinnys, Megsera and Tyfi- phone. — May all thefe, and all fuch ladies, whether fick or found, high or low, of blood and title, or ditch and dunghill, natives fo- reign qr infernal. — May this glorious group of * See Nouradin, the merchant's dying addrefs to Ms fon Almamoulin. Ramb. Vol. 3. p. 80. f Pleaf. Imag. B. 2. L. 268. X Ramb. No. 109. § Ramb. No. 111. z6 LEXIPHAN.ES. of Torrifmond's r-ngels, thefe Gorgons fu- ries, harpies, leaches, Syrens, centaur- mak- ing Syrens ! paid or unpaid, keeping or kept, on fire or quenched, genevaed or ci- troned, in clofet or cellar, in tavern, bag- nio, brothel, roundhoufe, bridewell, or new- gate. — Oh may they ceafe, from this hour, to fing or dance, fmile or frown, pleafe or plague, pray or fvvear, our Britif? , unbri- tifb. youth, manhood or age, out of their fenies, health, eflates, reputation, human nature, and hopes of heaven ! " And thefe enchantrefTes laying afide their fpells, may the bewitched of Great-Britain recover their prifline form, as Circe's herd, at the prayer of UlyfTes. At the touch of difenchanting pen, may they leap out of their hides for joy ; and laying hold on their long defer ted definition of man, rea- fon and two legs, walk uprightly for the future. " Rejoice with me, my friend ! for do I dream, or didfl thou not obferve ? Didfr. thou net hear ? Intonuit Isvum. As the dark cloud which caufed it is vanifhed, and a fiood of light rufh.es in ; ib (hail it fare with thee -, I fee thy dawning reaibn ; I fee the LEXIPHANES. 27 the break of thy moral day. And what I fee, I fhall relate ; and what I relate, tho' iirange, let no man difbelieve *. u Concluding thus my ejaculation, the bard rejoined. Ah ! what, my friend, has private life to do With things of public nature? Why to view Would you, thus cruelly thofe fcenes unfold, Which without pain and horror to behold, Mull: either fpeak me more or lefs than man ; Which friends may pardon, but Inevercanf. " Having thus reciprocally rhaplodized, we difparted. The bard retired behind the umbrageous hedge, finally to accomplifh his interrupted repercufiions of communi- cated pleafures J. As for myfelf, I was com- pelled to ambulate to Highgate, in order to evaporate the humidity of my habili- ments, and contemper the malignity of fri- gorifick * This rant of inimitable nonfenfe, contained in the above three paragraphs, is taken word for word from a celebrated modern. Vid. Centaur not fabu- lous •. f Vid. GhurcbilTs Conference, % Ramb. No. 14$. 28 LEXIPH ANES. gorifick torpor with culinary irradiations. The Caravanferay to which my erratick fteps were accidentally conducted, was the em- blematical iign of fecundity and confe- quential cuckoldom at Highgate. There, according to the wonted modes and forma- lities of the manfion I became obligated by a double facramental ftipulation : in the ftrit place, never to imbibe finall beer, whilll I could acquire convivial ale, unlefs the for- mer were endued with higher powers of lenfltive gratification. In the next place, never to folicit an erratick gratification from the menial fair, if I could obtain a recipro- cation of delight * with the miftreis, unlefs I believed the hand-maid porTeifed of greater powers to kindle the ardour of enterprize, fct difficulties at defiance, flimulate perfe- verance, and prevent the remiffion of vi- vour, when {landing in procinctu, on the point of obtaining the recompence-f. " The ceremonial perplexities attending vhe conjuration, being finally adjufted, I entered into converie with an Hibernian of fignal erudition, who fate tranquilly puffing the fumigations of his Calumet in an angle of * Ramb. 101. f Ramb. No. 207. LEXlPHANES'. 29 of the fuliginous hexagonal apartment, While we were univerfally engaged in the vivacious loquacity of our evening computa- tions, he requefted me to ejaculate a fenti- mental effufion. I bibulated * the falubrity of our moft amiable fovereign, the fafe par- turition of his tranfcendental confort, and the happy encreafe of the fons and daughters of Britannick royalty -f. With difficulty my learned friend repreffed his rifible powers ac this complicated fimplicity of my fentimen- tal lore. But he dignified my unimportance, and corrected my inaccuracies "K For when it came to his turn, he effliied the moft venerable and refpectable monofyllable, the American belligerant, the fedulous domes- tic k damfel, the lamb-referribling fair one, the Book-binder's confort, and the Mendi- cant's benediction. " But the perfpicacity of my intellectual powers, grafped not by intuition the recon- dite fenfe of thofe fentimental allegories. Wonder * A cant word of the fame fort is put in Lexi- phanes's mouth, by Lucian, on much the fameocca- £on. See his Lexiphanes. I muft own, however, that I do not remember my hero has ufed it. f Raffelas, Vol. i. p. 2. • X Ram. No. 139. 3 o LEXIPHANES. Wonder is a paufe of reafon, a fudden cef- fation of the mental progrefs. I difentan- gled not complications, nor invigorated my confidence by conquefls over difficulty, but ilept in the gloomy acquiefcence of aftonifh- ment, without efforts to animate enquiry, ordiipel obfeurity. Therefore I contented myfelf with the gaze of folly, and refigned the pleafure of rational contemplation to more pertinatious fludy, and more active faculties +• For all my fcientifical acquifi- tions are at laft concatenated into arguments or compacted into fyftems, and nothing henceforth can be to me lb odious as oppo- sition, fo infolem as doubt, or fo dangerous as novelty £. In the fequel of our evening compota- tions, the ientimental Hibernian, with a torpid refibility, fpontaneity of production, and inflation of fpirit, burfting into abfurdi- ty §, exhibited a variety of other allegories, infinitely more complicated than the former, but f Ram. No. 137. X Ram. No. 151. I am inclined to believe, that in this fenrence, Lexiphanes has unknowingly drawn his own characler. § Rajnb. No. 124, 131, 195, LEXIPHANES. 3 i but of all which he gave fuch explications, that he railed the ealy facetioufnefs and flow- ing hilarity of our fellow compotators to the higher! pinnacle of exaltation. Burfls of mer- riment, and flames of tranfport broke forth like corufcations of lightening, and we dif- turbed the neighbourhood with the vocife- rations of our applaufe. " As we had now attained the fublimefr. pinnacle of merriment, it was all of a fud- den intercepted *, our gaiety darkened, and a totality of confufion introduced by the ex- hibition of a violent altercation between a Grocer of flgnal celebrity, corpulency, and opulency in Cheapfide, and a raw-bon'd, hard-faced, high-cheeked Caledonian, who had arrived thus far in his erratick progreis from his native barren heaths, to the ferti- lized meadows circumjacent about this me- tropolis, in the inveftigation of preferment. We were all holding our fides, totally con- vulfed with univerfal laughter, when the Grocer emitted a thundering roar of pofteri- or vociferation. The convivial aflbciates were ftartled as at thefudden and unexpected ex- * Raflelas. 32 LEXIPHANES. explofion of ordinance -, and the Caledonian fcratching his head, and appall'd gazing the corpulent prefence * over his left fhouider, addrelTed him thus in the vulgar dialect of his provincial barbarifm. Are thae the manners of you braw London fok ? gifF it be iae, I wifs 1 was e'en at my ain hame agen. The Grocer vouchfafed not a reply, manifested not the lead fignal of villatick bafhfulnefs, but elevating his left leg with all the compoiure of calm deliberation, ex- hibited a fee ond vociferation, louder and more ibnorous than the former. At the fame time, though it had neither efcaped our auditory, nor our olfactory nerves, he clenched his fiTt, gave the bench before him a colli fion, eyed the Caledonian with an emphatic al Significance of gaze, and be- ing a true-born Englifhman, as well as a fignal patriot cried out, with a blaft of e- ruclation, Lord B — . The Caledonian became now the object of undiftinguifh- ed merriment. The fierce illapfe of paf- ivva rouzed the whole fabrick of his mind, A Appall'd, Igaz'd. the godlike prefence. Pleaf, of imagination, B. 2. L. 2V~ ■ LEXIPHANES. 33 mind*, and his .native ferocity being high- }y exacerbated, he vented not his wrath in a reciprocation of reproaches, but having inftantaneous recurrence to riftical ratioci- nation bellowed a violent percuflion on the corpulent Grocer's nafal promontory, which, in a moment, fufFufed with fanguinary ftreams, his plenilunar refplendent counte- nance, and tarnifhed gold laced waiftcoat. " Ferocious inftillations of difcord were now transfufed by a rapid diiTemination through the bofoms of the convivial and hi- therto pacifick compotators. The Grocer debilitated by the imbecillity and decrepi- tude of age, and the exercitation of his prifc tine bruifing powers having been long re- trained by the unwieldinefs of corpulency, fuccumbed under the furies of force with the liftldfnefs of languor and defportdency of inferiority. But a Foe to Cattle, tho' a friend to the Grocer, and of equal celebrity for patriotick principles and liberal exhibi- tion of pofterior vociferation, challenged and attacked the two-legged Confumer of Oats. Nor wanted either Butcher or Con- fumer, Friends Allies and Confederates. D The # Pkafures of Imagination, 24 LEXIPHANES. The former was afiifted b^sfhe auxiliar vir- tues and fubfidiary aids of patriots, anterior eructators, and pofterior vociferators ; and the latter by courtiers, his fellow-con Turners of Oats, and joint muficians on the Caledo- nian violoncello. Entirely inefficacious and totally fruftraneous were all the mediatory interceflions and reconciliatory interposi- tions of myfelf, and the fentimental Hiber- nian, for a fufpenfion of hofbilities, and a ge- neral pacification. Finding the hearts of the antagonifts irremediably exacerbated with the corrofion of hatred, and reciproca- tion of mifchief and reproaches, we con- eluded to repofe in the fhades of neutrality, and avoid a fortuitous percuflion under the ihelter of diftance, " Thus a combat royal enfued, a circu- latory war commenced. Various were the changes, viciilitudes and perplexities from the mutability of fortune, and victory long hung doubtful in the trepidations of the ba- lance and fluctuations of uncertainty. At laft, by the fortuitous fupervention and ipontaneousinterventionof the bard, in whom confceliated * with equal luftre all bruifing and poetical powers, who fatiated of his iufceptible * Rambler, No. 201. LEXIPHANES, 35 fufceptible nymph, had juft made a re- linquifhment, the patriotick fifts became preponderant. And now had a total dif- comfiture of the riiibie Oat-coniumers en- fued, had not the Caledonian who began the civil difcord, and inteftine conflagration, alarmed two Highland militants then quar- tered in the Caravanferay by his idiomatical ■vociferation. Is there nae help here for poor Scotland ? bauled he out with reiterated ef- forts. At la ft the variegated militants ap- peared, making flaming circulatory irradi- ations with their brandifhed broad fvords, and emitting terrible facramental denounci- ations of mortal purpofe, of inftant ven- geance, death and deftruclion. The com- batants immediately furcealed, and the Gro- cer, all terror-ftruck v/ith the dreadful ex- hibition, occumbed in a ftvoon. Our olfac- tory powers were now overcome by the o- doriferous fteams that iflfued from him in a moft exuberant effufion, and afforded us a .conjectural glimpfe of what had been tranf- a£ted under his femoral habiliments. A par- ley then enfued between the Murtherer of Bullocks and Confumer of Oats, and preli- minary articles for an amicable congrefs were finally adjufted. The Foe to Cattle obtefted D 2 that 3 6 LEXIPHANES. that he entertained no antipathy to the Ca^ ledonian emigrant or his country ; and the two-legged Confumer of Oats deprecated his forgivenefs for affaulting his convivial affbci- ate the Grocer, and above all, for infringing the Claim of Rights, the Magna Chart a of all true-born Englifhmen, with reipect to the li- beral publick and unreftrained exhibition of their powers of anterior eructation and pofte- rior vociferation ; and promiied with all the folemnity of flipulation, that he would never offend in a point of that tender and delicate concernment for the future. 3 the 3 8 LEXIPHANES. " The fe/ititriental Hibernian, and myfelf> left them in the height of their amicable corn- potations and fimukaneoufly returned to the legiflature in no other capacity. I am led into tnis train of reflection, by the following advertife- which I met with the other day in the Daily ' fer. f \ e< Turners of oats, within the cities of Lon- don and Wcxlminfter, and Borough of Southwark, and who fabfcribed towards the expences of obtain- ing the lalt acl: of parliament for empowering the cs in London to grant a certificate of the price times a year, are defired to meet their e . ; the Sari-Tavern, in St. Paul's Church- this day, being the .9th of December inilant, at five o'clock in the afternoon, on ipecial afi fairs." w, whoever confiders the definition of oats, given by Lexiphanes in his dictionary, and quoted in page 23d of this dialogue, cannot conceive any thing to b" meant by Cohfutfcrs of Oats, in the ge- neral and comprefienfive fenfe of the expremon, o- ■,rjes or ?nares, and Scotch men or . 'Tis certain, a foreigner who ftudies our grammatically, and who mud naturally look work of our renown'd Lexicographer, ,dard of our tongue, and have recourfe to i:, in order to learn the ftrength and idiom, and peculiar meaning and energy of our words and phra- 'tis certain, I fay, that fuch a perfon, in fuch "e, could underfland nothing ells by it. What then LEXIPHANES. 39 Gray's-Inn,in the periodical itinerant vehicle. And there I had not long been, when Mega- lonymus, the Attorney, inchoated an action then mull he think of the above advertifement r will he not naturally conclude, that 'tis an ordina- ry thing in London, for Horfes and Scotch men to meet at a tavern, like friends and acquaintances, over a bottle ; to appoint committees, out of their refpeftive bodies, to confult together on their fpe- cial affairs ; and jointly to addrefs fuch a venerable fociety as their worfhips, the Juiiices, about their neareft and moil important concern, namely, the price cf Oats, iheir common food. Ambiguities of this kind, which may be produc- tive of very troubiefome miftakes and inconvenien- cies, are great imperfe&ions in a language, and ought carefully to be guarded againit. It would be labour thrown away to petition the great Lexi- phanes, to alter one tittle, or jotaofhis dictionary, and to accommodate it to our weaknefs and prejudi- ces ; barely to fuggeft the expediency of fuch a mea- fure, would be high treafon againft his Lexicogra- phical powers and authority. I mult therefore con- tent myfelf with befeeching the ingenious compilers of the Daily Advertifer, the next time they have occafion to infert fuch an advertifement, that they would have the goodnefs to add, to Con/umers of Oats, the epithets of Two -legged Rijiole or Rational. Yet, on fecoad thoughts, even this honourable addition will not altogether do the bufinefs. For as t hum- bly apprehend no Englifhman, can be faid, in the proper 40 LEXIPHANES. againft me, at the fult of the mercenary own- er of the conduclitious palfrey, which, in the courfe proper and obvious fenfe, to be a confumer of oats. No, they are confumers of the whitefl of wheat- flour, adulterated only with lime and allum, and fome few other poifonous materials. That, how- ever, is nothing. Therefore in the room of Confu- piers, I would haveThem fubrtitutei?#y£/v and Setters, which will effeclually anfwer the purpofe. The advice I have given, I have my felf followed. For wherever the Caledonian, the hero in the na- tional quarrel occasioned by that true-born Englifh- man and fignal patriot the Grocer, is mentioned as a Confumer cf Oats, I have conftantly added the dif- tinclion of Two-legged or Rijible, that he might at no time be miftaken for a Horfe, his brother Confu- mer. But I have not ventured to honour him with the addition of rational, as apprehending the whole being put in Lexiphanes's mouth, that might be out of character. For he is known to hold the northern inhabitants of our iiland in fuch foveieign contempt, that it is much to be queftioned whether he reckons them an order of beings fuperior to Bears or Ba- boons. However Their property of two-leggednefs can never be difputed, and I hope many of them have fhewn their Powers of Rifibility, by laughing very heartily at Him. For in fact, I know not a more laughable, a more ridiculous object in the jmiverfe, than fuch a folemn, felf-conceited, haughty, over-bearing, pedantick old-fchool-boy, as my J^exiphaneS; LEXIPHANES. 41 courfe of his vertiginous gambols, had ta- ken an erratick progrefs to fuch a diftance, and with fuch velocity, that he could not be re-apprehended. The bard confcious that the violence of his repercuflions, and the im- petuofity*of his impaflioned nerve, was the priftinecaufeofall my complicated infelicities, and comick calamities §, has procured me the furety of his two bookfellers. My council is Pertinax-f, who beingearly initiated in athou- fand low ftratagems, nimble frrifts, and fly concealments, contracted an intellectual ma- lady which infefted his reaibn, "and from blading the bloiloms of knowledge, pro- ceeded in time to canker its root. At riper years, he caught the contagion of vanity, and diflinguiflied himfelf by fophifms and paradoxes till his ideas were confufed, his judgment embaralTed, and his intellects dif- torted. But growing weary of a perpetual equipoife of the mind, he prefcribed a new regimen to his underftanding, and being at length recovered from his argumental deli- rium, with which he was wont to darken gaiety, * This word is mightily commended for fonhd, &c. in the Elem. of Criticifm. § Ramb. No. 176. f See Pertinax's Letter, No. 95. 42 LEXIPHAKES. gaiety, and perplex ratiocination, he now appl'es hi 3 powers with great feduiity to the acquirement of legiflatlve fcience. The the trial makes its approximation with the filent celerity of time., notwithstanding The Lv: proud man's contumely, The : - , and the fpurns Which p; f th' unworthy takes. " I had no iooner effufed this ejaculation to F .as, than Mlfccapekisj Herme- ticiis, Hymeneus, C ', Eubulus, and •Qui * conjoined us. It was nilppBfibfe for kid not to fuccumb§ un- der the nportunities of jo many iUuftriaus alloc iates, who all fimukaneouHyJ obfecrated me to accompany them in an : t :ct to the wakeful harbinger of d t, and there to recreate cur powers with buns, con- and a fober crratick game at _ thlac L; ted my confent, h an extremity of reluctance, icability of the pain of my -1 excoriations, which were fo J! Q or correfpondents of our Author in the 1 *E .'Criticifm. § Robertfon. J Hume. ** . iih the ngn of th? Cock. LEXIPHANES. 43 fo highly exaiperated by the adhefions of my everlafting thickfets, that defpair grafp- ed my agonizing bofom, and I dreaded their termination in a fiftula. But the pleafing powers 7 and grateful honours of their con- verfation, and above all, converting my thoughts to the ambition of aerial crowns, And fuperiunary felicities, J obtunded the acrimony of my dolorous lit nation. " Mifocapelus § had parTed his officinal Hate behind the counter of a haberdafher; he had applied all his powers to the know- ledge of his trade, fo that he quickly be- came a critick in fmall wares, and a fkilfull contriver of new mixtures of coloriftck vari- ety. In the fourth year of his oiticinalfhip he paid a vifit to his rural friends, where he expected to be confuked as a mailer of pecu- niary knowledge, and oracle of the mode. But, unhappily, a colonel of the gaards, with a carelefa gaiety and oncerem . ous civility 5 and a ftudent of the Term Jefs attraction of mien, but greate f AkenlWe. J Nigr § See Mifocapelus's Letters, . 44 LEXIPHANE S. of elocution, fo abftracted all his auditors whilft he was exhaufling his defcriptive pow- ers in a minute reprefentation of a lord mayor's triumphal folemnity, that thence- forth he could exhibit no other proofs of his exiftence, than naming the toaft in his turn. After the death of iifs elder brother, who died of drunken joy, he commenced gentleman, but with great infelicity of at- tempt. For with a double quantity of lace on his coat, a forbidding frown, a fmile of condefcenfion, a flight falutation, an abrupt departure, and a vertiginous motion on his heel with much levity and fprightlinefs, he has not attained his refolution of dazzling intimacy to a fitter diftance, or inhibiting its approaches with its ufual p'hrafes of be- nevolence. He has had fuccelllve circum- rotations through the characters of Squire, Critick, Gamefter, and Foxhunter, but has at laft degenerated into that of a Taylor; in which capacity he has been recommended to all her numerous circle of acquaintance, by the mifchievous generofity of Ferocula, whom he once affifted, in the pretence of hundreds, in an altercation for fix-pence with a hackney coachman. LL TT X J Hymenssus LEXIFHANES". 45 " § Hymenseus, a curious indagator* into feminine fecrecs, had long been an unfuc- cefsful hymeneal folicitor, and feemed to lie under the penal feverity of being doomed to frozen celibacy, and of being excluded by an irreverfible decree from all hopes of con- nubial felicity. He breathed out the figh3 of his firft affection at the feet of the gay, the fparkling, the vivacious Ferocula, for he looked with veneration on her readinefs of expedients, contempt of difficulty, aflu- rance of addrefs, and promptitude of reply-f% He paid his fubfequent addrefles to the deep- read Mifothea, the inexorable enemy of ig- norant pertnefs and puerile levity, who fcarcely condefcended to infufe tea but for the linguift, the geometrician, the aftrono- mer, or the poet. She was only to be gain- ed by the fcholar who could overpower her by difputation. Amidit the fondeft ardours of courtfhip fbe could call for a definition, and contemned every argument for fixing the day of his felicity, that could not be re- duced § For the hard words and Lexiphanick beauties of this paragraph, confult the letters ligned Hy- menaeus and Tranquilla, in, the Rambler. * Night Thoughts f A Quaternion* 46 LEXIPHANES. duccd to regular fyllogiftical argumentation. .Thirdly, he foiicited connubial conjunction with the calm, the prudent, the oeconomi- cal Sophronia, but furely it might be for- given him if he forgot the decency of com- mon forms, when from an excels of her ceconomical folicitudes * fhe clifcharged her maid Phillida for breaking fix teeth of an ivory comb, which had coil her three half crowns. Soon after, an invitation to iup with one of his bufy hymeneal folicitors,' made him, by a concerred chance, acquaint- ed with Camilla. He could not fuppre-fs fome raptures of admiration and flutters of delire, and was eaffly perfuaded to make nearer approximations. But he found that fhe made fuch generous advances to the verges of virility, that he thought not his quiet and honour to be entrufted to fuch au- dacious virtue, which could not but be fugacious -p, as it was hourly courting dan- ger, and folic iting affault. His next mif- trefs was the nicely tricked Nkella, but he was difgufted at the fuperftitious regularity of her apartments, the occafionality and ambitioufnefs * Rambler, No. 162. t Sterne's Sermons, LEXIPHANES. 4.7 ambiticufnefs of her drefs, and want of fa- miliarization to her own ornaments. And now his evil defciny conducted him to Cha- rybdis, whofe moderate deli res for fealsand inuff-boxes, rifing by degrees to a rapacity for gold and diamonds, effectuated a fuper- addition of one more, to fix and forty fruf- traneous hymeneal folicitors. Laftly, Im- peria took poffeiTion of his heart, bnt kept it not long. He left her to grow wife at ieifure, or continue in errour at her own ex- pence. Thus he had hitherto paffed his life in frozen celibacy. His friends indeed told him, that he drelTed up an ideal charm- er in all the radiance of perfection, 'and then entered the world to gaze for a fimilar ex- cellency in corporeal beauty. But furely k was not madneis to hope for fome terreftrial lady unfiained. At la(t, through the inter- vention of the Rambler, and without any danger of malignant fafcination, or multi- plying ftipulations, he was coalited * in a connubial conjunction with Tranquitta, whofe ears had been made delicate by riot of adulation f, who had danced the round of gaiety amidft the murmurs of envy and gratulations * Hume's Hiftcry. + Rambler, No. 119, 48 LEXIPHANE S; gratulations of applaufe, been attended from pleafure to pleafure by the fupercili'oofnefs of grandeur, the levity of fprightlinefs, and the glitter of vanity *; and feen her regard folicited by the obfequiouihefs of gallantry,- the gaiety of wit, and timidity of love §. Their profpects were fuch^ that they fpread themfelves into the boundlefs regions of eternity. But they were doomed to give one inftance more of the uncertainty of hu- jnan difcernment, and the fragility of con- nubial hopes of felicity. The extreme de- licacy of Tranquilla hai bt^n fomewhat of- fended at a warty excrefcence on the tip of Hymeneus's little finger; and that of Hy- meneus in totality difgufred at a fmall mole obumbrated with a cerulean exuberance of capillary honours on the infide of Tran- quilla's femoral regions, a little above the dexter genuflexion. They now became diffocial, and their children were foris-fa- maliated. And Hymeneus unable to reprefs the accumulated invigoration of his powers, has grown enamoured of the generick-f ha- bit, and interdicted happinefs of incidental repercuffions, Rambler, No. 145. § A double Triad ; f Elements of Criticifm. LEXIPHANES. 49 repercufTions, in the felection of which he is determined by the vibratiuncles and ar- mature of Hermeticus's artificial magnets. Hermeticus has for a long time applied his corporeal and mental powers to the won- ders every day produced by the pokers of magnetifm and wheels of electricity. He has fallen eleven times fpeechlefs with elec- trical mocks, he has twice diflocatcd his limbs, and once fractured his fkull in effay- ing to fly, and four times endangered his life byfubmitting to the transfufion of blood. But he has now entered into a zealous com- petition for magnetical fame. Owing to a hint of the Rabbi Abraham ben Hannafe, he has difcovered a method of detecting connubial wickednefs, and preferring the connubial compact from violation. It is an armature of a particular metallick com- pofition, which concentrates the virtue, and determines the agency of magnets, to difco- ver, by the nature and quality of their reci- procating vibratiuncles, all the different modifications wherein breaches of connubial fidelity and the laws of chaftity had been confum mated : E " Eubulus 5 o LEXIPHANE5. " Eubulus is now labouring in the wheel of anxious dependance. His uncle, who fupplied him with exuberance of money, and maintained him in pecuniary impudence that he might learn to become his dignity when he mould be made Lord Chancellor, which he orten lamented that the increafe of his imbecillities and his decrepitude was very likely to preclude him from feeing, had frequently harraffed him with monitory letters. But Eubulus at laft refolved to teach young men in what manner grey- bearded infolence ought to be treated. He therefore, one evening, took his pen in hand, and after having rouzed his powers to a due Hate of animation with a catch, wrote a general anfwer to all his monitions with fuch vivacity of turn, fuch elegancy of irony, and fuch afperity of farcafm, that he convulied a large company with univerfal laughter, kindled up an undiftinguifhed blaze of merriment, raifed an unintermitted itream of jocularity, diflurbed the whole neighbourhood with vociferations of ap- applaufe, and five days afterwards was an- fwered, that he mult be content to live upon his own eftate. Captator LEXIPHANES. 51 " Captator had an unrefifting fupplenefs of temper, and an infatiable wifh for riches, yet he never felt the ftimulations of curio- fity, nor ardour of adventure. Therefore, when the failor propofed a voyage, he fell fick under his mother's direction, who em- ployed fuch fuperfiuity of artifice, that fhe was with difficulty perfuaded not to endan- ger her health with nocturnal attendance. This deceit was difcovered to the failor by his mother's handmaid, when he made her amo- rous advances, and folicited her with hyme- neal flipulations. The Squire was iikewife difgufted, and he now depends folely on the Chambermaid ; and if the old woman mould Iikewife at laft deceive him, is in danger at once of beggary and ignorance. " Quifquilius has brought inconvenien- cies on himfelf by an unextinguifhable ar- dour of curiofity, and an unremitted per- feverance in the acquifition of the produc- tions of art and nature. Yet he does not wifh to ftimulate the envy of unfuccefsful collectors by too pompous a difplay of his fcientifick wealth. Thefe accumulations have not been made without fome diminu- tion of his fortune ; he has transferred his E 2 money 52 LEXIPHANES. money from the funds to his clofet, and has at laft mortgaged his land, to purchafe thirty medals which he could never find before. For curiofity trafficking with avarice, the wealth of India had not been enough. The cruelty of his creditors has made an expi- lation of his repofitory, and he will be con- ftrained to difleminate, by a rapid fale, what the labour of an age will not re-collecl: and re-aflemble. He has made me a prefent of two vials, in one of which is dew brufhed from a Banana, in the gardens of Ifpahan ; in the other brine, that once vertiginated in the pacifick ocean, for which he defires no other recompence, than that I fnould recom- mend his catalogue to the publick. " Such were my convivial affociates -f? and while we continued our viatorial progreffion through the royal perambulations we fortui- toufly occurred that celeftial meditant Mr. James Hervey, in whom exuberance of mag-, nanimous fentiment and ebullition of geni- us * are fo fignally conflellated. Our occur- rence was near the gate heretofore denomi- nated from a nobleman on whole producti- ons f For thefe four characters, fee Ramb. No. 199, 26, 198, 82. * Ramb. No. 129. LEXIPHANES. 53 ons there is no ftamp of genius *, but which are in reality pages of inanity. But it is now, with greater propriety of appellation, dignified from our moil amiable fovereign's tranfcendental confort. Without pre-fuppo- fing impoffibilities or anticipating fruflra- tion, we folic ited his company with the fonorous -f periods of refpe&ful profef- fion, that while we mould be difporting with the bowl and pins, he might be agglome- rating meditations on the penfile fpiky pods of the blooming religiofos of the gardens ; but he tranfmitted us a declinature in the monofyllables of coldnefs, for he was going to effufe the fair creation £ of his praying E 3 powers * Sheffield, Duke of Buckingham. This is the character given by Warton, in his EfTay on Pope, of that Nobleman's writings. I own that Lexi- pha»es does not, in fo many words, call them pages of Inanity. He applies that expreffion to Walfh. But he does what is equivalent. He fays, in his Idler, I think, ppfterity will wonder how fuch men as Sheffield and Lanfdowne ever came to have any reputation. What mull poflerity think of the pre- fent age in which this dogmatical pedant has ob- tained fo great a reputation ! f Ramb. No. 194. % Pleaf. oflmag. B. 2. L. 3$, 54 LEXIPHANES. powers at the bed- fide of a penitential nymph in Lewkener's lane. However, he gave us a promiffory note he would fubjoin a defcant on the creation *. " At length we arrived at the place of our original deftination, without any inter- cepting f interruption; only Hymenaeus and Hermeticus would have diverted into the fountain in the Five Fields, in order to try lbme magnetical experiments on an ambu- latory nymph, who feemed perpetually fuf- ceptible of occafional delight. But they were reflrained, as well by the unexpected appearance of Tranquilla, who juit then tollutated along in a rotatory vehicle, as by the unanimous fimultaneity of our prohibi- tory lupplications. On our ingrefs into the fceneof fkittleary contention, we expedited ambafTadors with plenary powers to procure us buttered buns, charming Chefhire cheefe, tart tit-bit tartlets, rare ripe radifhes, and recent rolls J ; we enhanced our reciprocal felicity by quaffing convivial Burton -, and * Hervey's Meditations. f RafTelas. X Alliteration; a figure Lexiphanes feems to be fometimes very fond of, though I do not fay he has cyercarried it to that excefs of affectation, in which it is LEXIPHANES. 55 we difported with the bowl and pins. At lafl, after various vicimtudes and revolu- tions of a vehement contention, and ardent competition for fkittleary reputation, the totality of the reckoning devolved upon Quifquilius. Quifquilius, being devoid of pecuniary flores, offered to depofite as a mode of hypothecal fecurity, the flings of fournvafps, that had been taken torpid in their winter quarters. But the landlord re- jected the proffer with an indignant fneer of pecuniary impudence. Quifquilius vain- ly alledged, with all the powers of de- precating rhetorical perfuafion, that the wafps from whom the flings had been ex- tracted, coll him the annual rent of the farm where they had been caught, when under the influence of frigorifick torpor. The unfeeling governor of the caravanferay re- plied not, but with a trite faying of proverbial vulgarifm. A fool and his money are foon parted. At lall, after a tedious altercation, E 4 Mifo- is found in the paflage referred to, or in the foregoing favory Jbeeps-heads, prime pigs pettytoes^ and plump plumb-pudding ; but I thought it not amifs, to give into the Caricatura a little now and then, a thing I have feldom had occafion of doing. $6 LEXIPHANES. Mifocapelus, mitigated by the ramifications of private friendfhip, difburfed the iymbol. " When now we had with fome difficul- ty effectuated a relinquifhment of this dig- nified icene of fkittleai y contention, a dufky and cerulean darknefs had begun to obum- brate the fuperiicies of the conflellated regir ons, and to diminiih the horizon of our profpects. We ambulated homeward, aid- ed by the declining conizations of a cre- pufcular glimmering. In our viatorial pro- grefiion, we were now eppofite the Porto- bello, where latrocinary Homicides wont to lurk, and make incurfions on unfufpecting way-farers, and comminutions of their pur- fes and lives. Terrification feizedmefrom the drearinefs of the fcene, and the reflecti- on that the ghoits of the murdered might now be hovering round the fatal places where their terreilrial existences had been comminuted. Eubulus, that infidel and iniblent contemner of grey-bearded wifdom, obferving the tremulous commotion of my nerves, and entertaining a conjectural glimpfe of my mental fituation, apprehend- ed me by the fleeve, vociferating with all the iemblance of terror : Behold an appari- tion, LEXIPHANES. $ 7 tion, the ghoft of a murdered traveller! I adverted my luminaries directly forward, and gazed an object feemingly of immenfe magnitude, and arrayed in a vefture of mining radiance. I fuffered a reduplication of horrifick terrors, and again Eubulus ex- claimed. Tis FANNY ! tis Mifs FAN- NY herfelf, the very identical ghoft of Cock-lane ! fhe is come to punifri and terri- fy a fceptical unbelieving world. Heareft thou not, her percuflions of negation, her repercufllons of affirmation, and her fcalpa- tions of indignation * ! " Succumbing now under an accumula- tion of horrors, actuated as if I had been a meer involuntary mechanift, and having inter- * Tt feems, that in the language of the famous Cock-lane Ghoft, a fingle knock fignified No, a double one Yes, and fcratching imported difpleafure. Tis pity Mifs Fanny fo foon difcontinued her vifita to this world, othervvife, it may be prefumed, Lexiphanes, who, 'tis fdd, was a very diligent and attentive fcholar, would have become as great an adept in the dialed of Ghofts, as Homer was in that of the Gods, or as he is himfelf in his own mo- ther tongue. It might, in time, have furnifhed our great Lexicographer with materials for a dicti- onary of the Language of Spirits, 5$ LEXIPHANES. interjected a circumftantial paufe-f-, I thus ejaculated. Angels and minifters of grace defend us ! Be thou a fpirit of health ! or goblin damn'd ! Bring with thee airs from heaven, or blafts from hell! Be thy events wicked or charitable ! Thou com'ft in fuch a queflionable fhape That I will fpeak to thee ! I'll call thee FANNY Maid! miftrefs ! injur'd fair! what may this mean That thou dead coarfe again, in winding meet, Revilit'ft thus the glimpfe crepufcular Making it hideous; and us FOOLS of NA- TURE So horribly to make our difpofitions With thoughts beyond the reaches of our fouls. Wherefore, what may this mean? Whilft thus ejaculating, Hypertatus with that magnanimity of fentiment, that un- dauntednefs of reiblution, and that intrepi- dity of courage, derived from his habitation in the elevated regions of a garret, approach- ed the place where the apparition feemed to lie, fixed in torpid immobility. But at his approximation it flarted like a guilty thing, and f Elements of Criticifm. LEXIPHANES. 59 and ran vagifTatlng along the Champain, as if it had been the youthful mafculinc oft- fpring of a Tauro-vaccineal conjunction. " At this unexpected exhibition, my fel- low compotators were totally convulfed with univerfal laughter ; and even Hypertatus himfelf, my mofl amicable convivial aflb- ciate, could not altogether reprefs the in- ftantaneous motions of merriment *. As for myfelf, I reprehended Eubulus, with the fonorous vociferations of anger, and told him that the precipitation of his inex- perience ought to be lhackled by a proper timidity f •, and that though he had anfwer- ed his uncle's monitory letters with fuch vi- vacity of turn, fuch elegancy of irony, and fuch afperity of farcafm, that he had left him henceforth to live upon his own eftate ; and that though he had retorted the ironv of his patron Hilarius, equally renow r ned for the extent of his knowledge, the. elegance of his diction, and the acutenefs of his wit with fuch fpirit, that he foon convinced him his purpofe was not to encourage a rival, but * Ramb. No. 176. ■J- R^rnb. No. 159. 60 LEXIPHANES. but to fofter a parafke *• I told him, I fay, that he fhould not with impunity derogate from my dictatorial importance,remuneratcry honours, and accumulations of preparatory knowledge, with the pertnefs of puerility, the levity of contempt, and the derifion of ridicule. Eubulus, though he could hard- ly articulate for a fuffocation of rifibiiity, declared with facramental obtefrations, that he had himfelf laboured under fimilar pow- ers of deception. I believed him not, and threatened to convict him of the tortuofity of his imaginary rectitude by manual fyllo- gifms, attic al applications, and baculinary argumentation. S3 " But Hypertatus recalled us from ex- centricity -r, and by an extemporaneous fprightlinefs, a happy interruption, and an- tidotal intervention, repreifed our anirnofi- ty, compofed our differences, and reftored our Hilarity. He lured and rouzed us from a vivacious loquacity, a torpid rifibiiity, and languiihment of inattention J, by effu- fing, in a drain of peculiar eloquence, an elaborate diiTertation on the multiplicity of bufinefs, * Ramb. No. 26, 27. f Ramb. No. 151. X Ramb. No. 174. LEXIPHANES. 6i bufinefs, aftonifliing intellectual powers, and accelerated train of perceptions § in the mind of the dwarfifh drawer, Mr. John Coan. It is not to be conceived, faid he, what length a habit of activity in affairs will carry fome men. Let a ftranger, or let any ptr- fon to whom the fight is not familiar, attend the drawer at the Cock, through the labours but of one day, during a feafon of fkittle- playing : How great will be his aftonim- ment ! What multiplicity of in-and-out-of- doors-bufinefs, what profound attention, and what elaborate application to matters of Beer-drawing ! The train of perceptions muft, in this great diminutive, be accele- rated far beyond the common courfe of na- ture. Yet no confufion nor hurry -, but in every reckoning the greater!: jufbnefs and ac- curacy. Such is the force of habit! How happy is man to have the command of a principle of action, that can elevate him fo far § The rhapfody drawing now near a clofe, Ihave exbaufted all my powers, in bringing together, in this and the two foregoing paragraphs, a firing of Mr. J 's favourite figures of fpeech, namely, of fenfelefs unmeaning Triads, all in the true Lexi- phanick tafle, and moft of 'em really to be found in his Rambers. 62 LEXIPHANES. far above the ordinary condition of hu^ manity ! * " On our ingreding the royal walks we became difibcial and difparted. Miibca- capelus, Captator, Eubulus, and Quifqui- lius properated before, with a rapid ofci- * This rant of Hypertatus, only reading ChanceU lor of Great Britain, for Drawer at the Cock, lanu-bufe- fiefs for i n- and- out -of- doors -iu/tnefs,feJ/ion of Parliament, forfeafon of Skittle-playing, and government, for beer~ drawing, is almoft word for word a rant in the Elements of Criticifm, in praife of a late Chancellor. The original was compofed, as the margin informs us, in 175 3, the parody in 1763. The reader may confult what the fame author fays a few pages after- wards, about ridicule and parodies. He juftly ob- ferves, that a parody may be fuccefsfully ufed either when it does or does not ridicule the original paiTage it refers to. The foregoing is a parody of the former fort. For, as it happens, the thoughts, fuch as they are, may be applied with the fame truth and pro- priety to either perfonage, whether the Chancellor or the Drawer, provided they be alike expert in their refpective occupations. And it likevvife afTbrdeth us, a very apt and happy inflance to fhew how much ridicule is the tefl of truth and iuftnefs of thought : which by the by this very ingenious writer proveth in the chapter referred to, and in a clearer and con- cifer manner than I remember to have met with. The reafon is what follows. Lord K ■ ■ ■ confines thepraifes of a very great man, I believe, to qualities, fuch LEXIPHANES. 6 3 tancy. The Squire to his firfl floor, the reft to their garrets. I lingered behind, de- tained by my fundamental malady. Hy- menals, Hermeticus, and Hypertatus pre- ferved a fimilar pace, curious to gaze the venal charms of ambling nymphs. Amidft the various conflux of fuch peripateticks, Hymenseus had a fortuitous occurrencewith Mifella. He accofted the wandering fair, he fuch as meer habits, a quick fucceffion of perception* and tranfition from one fort of bufinefs to another, qualities that are common and in equal or greater perfection among the lowed vulgar, and employed by them in the meaneft and mod infignificant pur- fuits. Whereas had he celebrated him for the diffi- culty and importance of his acquirements, his inflexible integrity and unceafing labours in the fervice of his country and in the duties of his high and exalted office, I think in that cafe the keenelt- and moft licentious ridicule might be fafely fet at defiance, provided however there were no quaint af- fected or Lexiphanick expreffions, fuch as the re- tarded or accelerated train of perceptions, &c. This reflection appears to mC fo obvious, I wonder it efcaped the author, efpecially one who hath fkewn fuch depth of thought and admirable penetration in unfolding the moft intricate turnings and wind- ings of the human heart, underflanding and con- ftitution. 64 LEXIPHANES. he Emulated * a pafllon for her, and invited her to Haddock's. Hymenals, Kerme- ticus and Mifella, entered boldly at the ever- open gate. But Hypertatus and myfelf ob-* ferved fome very reipeclable bookfellers en- gaged in an ambulatory project under the piazza's vault. Thofe worthies, who, ac- cording: to a dignified author of fienal cele- brity for critical and paradoxical powers, f are even in this enlightened age, neither the worft judges nor the leait rewarders of literary 7 merit J, had engaged Hypertatus, with vehement injunctions of hafte, to write a full and candid confutation of all the falfe reafonings, abfurd mifrepreientation of facts, and infidious infinuations, contained in the laft political pamphlet, which, if we may trull the veracity of fame, was his own pro- duction ; and they had me likewiie under terms of ftrict obligation, to compofe a perpetual commentary on the immortal pro- ductions m * The World. This is, perhaps, the only Lexi- phanick word in the elegant papers that go by that name. f See W n's preface to his edition of Shake- fpesr. X Witnefs the high price given for Paradifs Lo/?. LEXIPHANE-S. £| dufiions of the divine Shajccfpear* ; there- fore, fearful of their colliilon, and elufive of their gaze, by a low flratagem, nimble fhift, and fly concealment, we made our entry at the poftern gate in Hart-flreet. We conjoined our afTociates in an apartment whence all the evils of life feemed extracted and excluded, and we heard the dance of feflivity, and the long of mirth. While we were evacuating a goblet of mantling arrack, Hermetic us made a magnetical ex- periment on Mifelia, which, though it was performed with a magnet of the more flug- gifh and inert fpecies, difcovered that during the lad diurnal circumrotation, fhe had re- ciprocated civilities with four and twenty different afcenfors. Mifelia retired to an ad- joining apartment, whither Hymenasus foon followed her. But in the mean time he defcanted very philofophically, and effufed many fage reflections on the fugaciouihefs of connubial felicity, and inftability of hu- man enjoyments. On making his exit, he F ap- * When this was written, Mr. J 's edition of Shakefpearwas only in expectancy. It hath fince been publifhed, and even in the judgment of the public, fo much prejudiced in his favour, has fully' verified the Proverb, Parturiunt montes. 66 LEXIPHANES. appropriated to me the following lines, out of Young's divine poem, the Night Thoughts, Come my ambitious, let us mount together, To mount the Rambler, never can refufe. After a fhort delay, fome incidental oc- currences afforded me a conjectural glimpfe that Hymeneus was afcending in the abrupt- nefs of extacy*. Sympathy affected me witlr fimilarityof fenfations and unifonal vibrations of mind. My own afcenfionary powers, which erft were relaxed with numbnefs, congealed with frigorifick torpor, and debilitated with the confequential langour of an ardent contention and zealous competition for fkit- tleary fame, received a temporary influx of fympathetical, momentary invigoratiom The drowfmefs of hefitation -f- being thus wakened into refolve, I difpatched an ex- pert and Ikiliful plenipotentiary in queft of one of thofe nymphs who enjoy a perpetual fufceptibility of occafional pleafure. Hy- pertatus undertook the cure of my intellec- tual malady. He laid before me the tortu- ofities * Ramb. No. 117. f Idler. LEXIPHANES. 6j oiities of imaginary rectitude, the compli- cations of fimplicity, and afperities of fmoothnefs ; he reprefented, that the fofteft bloom of roieate virginity repells the eye with excrefcencies and difcolorations ; he attempted to awaken the powers of diflike, raife an artificial faftidioufnefs at the coarfe- neis of vulgar felicity, and to fill my imagi- nation with phantoms of turpitude, naked fkeletons of delight, pains of pleafure, and deformities of beauty*. But he had not the addrefs to adminifter, nor did he know with what vehicles to difguife the catharticks of the foul. At laft, the ambalTador of love returned, introducing Perdita. Hyperta- tus continued ftill to harrafs me with moni- tory injunctions, and deter me with prohi- bitory fanctions ; but gazing the meretricial preience, whofe charms would route the old to fenfibility, and fubdue the rigourous to foftnefs, I began to entertain a conjectu- ral glimpfe, that Hypertatus was practicing arts of fupplantation and detraction, and that he was initigated by the corrofions of envy to poifon the banquet which he could not tafte, and to blaft the harvefl which he F 2 had * For this fejitence, fee Ramb. No. 112. 6S LEXIPHANES. had no right to reap. Therefore, that he might not intercept the regular maturation of my fc hemes, I (hook off the drowfy equi- librations of undetermined counfels*, and carried Perdita to a private apartment. And now ye, who liften with credulity to the whifpers of fancy, and purlue with eager- nefs the phantoms of hope, who expect that age will perform the promifes of youth, and that the deficiencies of the preient day will be fupplied by the morrow ; attend to the hiftory of the AUTHOR of RafTelas, prince of Abyffinia f. As loon as the neceffary preliminary articles for an amicable congrefswere finally ad juited to the mutual fatisfaction of the contracting parties, Perdita eagerly co-operated to ripen barren volition intocfficacy and power J. But alas ! fuch helplefs deflitution, fuch difmal- inanity, fuch gloomy privation, fuch im- potent defire ! the faculties of anticipation flumbered in defpondency, but the powers of pleafure mutinied not for employment § ; and vain were all her fafcinating charms, and equally vain all my artificial Cumulations to effectuate * Ramb. No. in. f RafTelas, Vol. I. p. I. X Ramb. No. 116. § Ramb. No. 133. LEXIPHANES. 6 9 effectuate a proper and adequate reciproca- tion of civilities. For the orbicular reposi- tories of my powers, and teftimonials of my majeftick forms . Critick. Have done, Mr. J n, for God's fake have done. We have had enough of alcending ard reciting. Befides, I guefs what follows is neither fit for you to read nor me to hear. This, however, is not all I find fault with. Where the D---1 ! have you collected all this trafh of hard words, from what magazine or repofitory have you raked together thefe perverfe terms and abfurd phrafes, wherewith you have befpat- tered me, who never did you any wrong, at fo unmerciful a rate? Some, I fee, are of your own invention -, for others you mud have ranfacked the old mufty volumes of former times, juftly difregarded when firft written, and now defervedly forgotten. The red I perceive you have gleaned up, with infinite pains, from Greek and Latin, from fcholaftick writers, and books on the abfcrufe fciences. And you think you have done a mighty pretty feat, that you have perform- F 3 ed_ 70 LEXIPHANES, ed an eminent feftrice to learning, when you have wriggled, in over head and moulders, a new-fafhioned long-tailed word, what in your own phrafe I would call a vermicular word, or a dark term of art, without con- fidering whether it be proper to the fubjecT, faked to the capacity of your readers, or indeed whether it be an Englifh word or not. You are the unfitted perfon of any I know for what you have undertaken, to compile a dictionary. Though 'tis indeed no won- der you mould be employed by bookiellers in ftteh a v/ork. Befides, you are wholly ignorant of what is the main part, and makes the chieftfft excellence of flile, I mean the choice of words. For no where have r you erred fo grofsly as in your Ramblers, notwithfland- ing you had fuch admirable models before you, in the writings of Steele andAddifon, whom you have been fo impudent as to call your great predecefTors. What would they fay, were they to rife from the dead ! what opinion do you think they would entertain of the p relent age, that can tamely bear iuch a comparifon ! I have- LEXIPHANES. yi I have heard your fkill in lexicography to be highly extolled: But cannot imagine what you would underftand by it. I am allured you know nothing of the true fpirit of the Englifh tongue, which delights in words of one, of two, or at mod of three fyllables derived from the old Saxon flock ; and doth not willingly admit any Latin words what- ever, at lead in the common ftile, unlefs they come to us through the channel of the French, and have been long, if I may fo exprefs myfelf, denizons among us. But you, without any difcernment or diitinction, have huddled in all the Latin words you could fcrape together, to which you could by any means affix an Englifh termina- tion. You really feem to me pofTefTed with a fort of madnefs. 'Tis in my opinion a me- lancholy. And that windy vapour, or ra- ther watery humour which puffs you up, and makes you look fo round and fair, is, in truth, the worfl fymptom of your diftem- per. 9 Tis not impoflible you may have •many admirers in the prefent times, who are either ignorant of your calamity, or e- qually fmitten with the fame difeafe. For F 4 ought yi LEXIPHANES. ought I know, fome may give you the name of the excellent Rambler, and may join you in calling the productions of thofe incomparable wits, Sheffield and Lanfdown, pages of inanity, one of your d— m— d exe- crable Latin terms, and another of thole numberJefs evils with which you have fo pef- tered me for this hour pad. But truft me, thefc mud be pedants like yourfelf. Be- fides, their applaufes cannot be difinterefted. They either look for a return, or praife their own refembiance in you. All men of good tafte and judgment, take my word on't, laugh at you, pity you, and hold your writ- ings on the fcore of their folemn and affect- ed foppery in high contempt. Truely, Mr. J n, ycu appear to me, a very unhappy perlbn, who have not one real friend in io large a city, and among fo numerous an acquaintance. Not one, who, in the courfe of fo many years, has had the honefly to inform you of the dangerous way you were in, cr the generality to clear you of that monftrous gathering of impure trafh which will certainly bunt you afunder one time cr other. On the contrary, it feems, from your vanity and felf-fufficience, they have I/EXI PH ANES. 73 haije flattered you, and told yon, you were in a good confirmed (late of health, though you were all the while in the moil deplora- ble fituation. For my own part I thought at firft to have laugh'd at you ; but that torrent of hard words you poured out upon me all at una- wares, quite flunned and overwhelmed me at iaft. They made me very drunk and fick, 1 grew giddy, and mould actually have vomited, had T not interrupted you. Truth is, I fhall not reckon on being my own man again, till I have thrown up every fy liable I have heard from you. Would to God I could fee Dr. Monro : he has been bulled all his life-time, in looking after cra- zy, crack-brain'd fellows like you rfelf. He may poffibly do you fervice, provided your cafe lie not beyond the reach of medicine. Well, I fee a gentleman coming towards us, whom I take, by his drefs, to be a phy- fician. It is not Monro. But whoever he be, 'twill do no harm to coniult him. Sir, prefuming you, from your appear- ance, a phyfician, though I have not the honour of being known to you, I make bold to confult you on the cafe of my friend Mr. 74 LEXIPHANES. Mr. J n here, who is extremely ill with the difeafe of ftrange words. Not to mince the matter, but let it reft between you and I, he is taken with a fort of madnefs. Be fo sood as order famethino; for him, and I'll warrant you, if ever he recover his fenfes, you fhall be liberally rewarded for your trouble. First Physician. When (hall the laurel and the vocal firing JRefume their honours ? When fhall we behold The tuneful tongue, the Promethean hand Afpire to ancient praife ? Alas ! how faint, How flow the dawn of beauty and of truth Breaks the reluctant fhades of Gothic night Which yet involve the nations ! Long they groan 'd Beneath the furies of rapacious force * ; * The reader cannot but obferve the different manner in which I have treated the two Lexiphane- fes. Mr. johnfon's matter and fenfe is fometimes {o excellent, and his reflexions now and then Co juft, ar,d at the fame time {o uncommon, that it hides, in fome meafure, the abfurdity of the flile, which becomes, on that account, the more danger- ous. I was therefore obliged to parody him, and in order to fhew his hard words and affeciaticn in a more glaring and ridiculous point of view, apply them to the LEXIPHANES. 75 Oft at thft gloomy north, with iron-fwarms Tempeftuous pouring from her frozen caves, Blafted th' Italian more, and fwept the works Of liberty and wifdom down the gulph the meaneft, the moil ludicrons and phantaftical ob- jects I could well think on* But fuch a conduct was by no means neceiTary with A de our poetical Lexi- phanes. His words and efpecially his phrafes are generally fo execrable, and his meaning, where any can be pick'd out, always fo triffling ; in ihort, he has imbibed fo much of Plato's nonfenfe, but fo little of his gracious manner, as I think he fomewhere calls it, that I concluded bare and thofe even faithful quotations from him, were the very bell expofure of the ridiculoufnefs and futility of his compofition. The above is, in my opinion, one of the leaft ex • ceptionable paffages in his whole rhapfody. This is doublefs giving him fair play, and Ave fnall now examine it by the rules, I will not fay of criticifm, but of common fenfe. In the firfi: and third lines, we have no lefs than four enigmas or riddles, every jot as hard as that of the Sphynx, though I don't fay they require an Oedipus to expound them. Be- fore a common reader can underftand them, he muft either be told, or recollect the flory of Apollo and Daphne, that Apollo was the God of poetry, that the laurel was one of his favourite infignia, and that poets ufed to be crowned with it atpublick folemni- ties, or when they rehearfed their works. By the vocal firing, one may eafily underftand mufick, in- ^rumental only, and even in that cafe a metonimy, a part for the whole. I confefs myfelf fomewhat at a lofs L E X I P H A N E S. immur'd Innoo - glimmering lamp, The foul, barbarian hands a lofs about the tuneful tongue. It's bell and raofi ob- vious meaning is poetry ; but we had the laurel be- fore ; and our Britifi Lucretius can never be guilty of fuch grofs and needlefs tautology. Therefore if he has any meaning at all, a thing however not very freqo :r, he mull mc I mu- £ck or finging. 1 mail not pretend to determine, ther ancient or moder have afplred to the greateft degree cf praife ; but this I know, that the moderns have been a: i mere pains to pro- cure good finger*. For I never heard that the an- :efsoflnxi refinement in mufick, as to deprive the male fingers of their been no lois to poetry, what- ever it might have been to phyfick, if the Doclor's j aipired to modern praif But the moll pun. earn canJ; if, the old fable of Prom- . - - man of clay, and eaven to him ; we may, meant Such a. 'i n g occafion to :.. Cr. revoltus. Which LEXIPHANES. 77 Their myfteries profan'd, unftriing the lyre, And chain'd the (baring pinion down to earth. At feft the Mufes rrife, and fpurn'd their bonds, And wildly warbling, fcatter'd, as they flew, Which Dryden, a trauflator, only fit for fuch an au thor, rendeis in a {train equally infipid, Let others better mould the running mafs Of metals, and inform the breathing brafs And foften into flelh a marble face. ! Yet it may be obferved, that the fable of Prome- theus, being an article in the publick religion, Vir- gil might have ufed this enigma with a much better chance of being underftood. Having thus expounded the riddles, let us fee what is next to be done. The queftion is afked, when Shall finging andfiatuary afpire to ancient praife y by which he either underitands the praifes of anti- quity, or the praife thofe arts obtained in the times of antiquity? The firft is downright nonfenfe, the lafl is obfcurely quaintly and affectedly exprefTed. It is alfo afked, when {hall poetry and fiddling refume their honours ? Pray, did the Doctor ever read that a poet and a fidler (though in Homer's time the two profeffions were joined in one) were ever feated on a bench like a brace of trading juflices, and ftiled their honours and worfhips : Or would he have them honoured fo in our days, and have he and fignor Giardini, any ambition to fucceed their worfhips Welfh and Fielding \ But, perhaps, he means only to enquire when thev (ball be honoured and refpect- ed 78 LEXIPHANES. Their blooming wreaths from fair ValcluiYs bow'rs To Arno's myrtle border and the more Of foft Parthenope. But ftill the rage Of dire ambition and gigantic pow'r, From public aims and from the bufy walk Of civil commerce, drove the bolder train Of penetrating fcience to the cells, Where ed as formerly, but expreffed in his ufual quaint Lexiphanick manner. The fluff which follows about beatify and truth, that in this line are daxvningj and in the next groan- ing, though here another ambiguity arifes, for \h difHcult to fay, whether 'tis the nations that groan; or the two pretty little miffes, beauty and truth, that lie crying and blubbering under the furies of force, but I think the latter interpretation more agreeable to our author's manner ; I fay the fluff that follows is fo abflracted and remote from the common thoughts and exprefficns of men, that 'tis only proper for his abfurd rhapfody, and could have place no-where but in his own phantaf- tick imagination. But 'tis really wafting time and paper to criticize fuch an author. Belldcs, a fenfi- ble reader wants no criticifm upon him, and thofe who admire or can even with patience read him, will not be the better for it. Reafonirag from any principles would be as much thrown away upon them as upon VVhiteneld's followers, who are equally ediiied and affected by the words Samaria or Mefopotamra, pro- nounced with a certain twang, and by the moll pa- thetick difcourfes on repentance or a future flate. LEXIPHANES. 79 Where ftudious eafe confumes the filen-t hour In fhadowy fearches and unfruitful care. Thus from their guardians torn, the tender arts Of mimic fancy and harmonious joy, To prieftly domination and the luft Of lawlefs courts, their amiable toil For three inglorious ages have refign'd, In vain reluctant : and Torquato's tongue Was tun r d for flavifh paeans at the throne Of tinfel pomp : and Raphael's magic hand EfFus'd its fair creation to enchant The fond adoring herd in Latian fanes To bind belief; while on their proftrate necks The fable tyrant plants his heel fecure. But now behold] the radiant aera dawns, When freedom's ample fabric, fix'd at length For endlefs years on Albion's happy more In full proportion, once more fhall extend To all the kindred pow'rs of focial blifs A common manfion, a parental roof. There fhall the Virtues, there fhall WifdomV train Their long-loft friends rejoining, as of old, Imbrace the fmiling family of arts, The Mufes and the Graces. Then no more Shall vice, diffracting their delicious gifts To aims abhorr'd, with high drftafte and fcorn Turn from their charms the philofophic eye, The patriot-bofom - s then no more the paths Of public care or intellectual toil, Alone 8o LEXIPHANES. Alone by footfteps haughty and fevere In gloomy ftate be trod : th' harmonious \Life And her perfuafive lifters then {hall plant Their fnelt'ring laurels o'er the bleak afcent, And fcatter flow'rs along the rugged way. Arm'd with the lyre, already have we dar'd To pierce divine philofophy's retreats, And teach the Mufe her lore ; already ftrove Their long-divided honours to unite, While temp'ring this deep argument we fang Of truth and beauty. Now the fame t a Impends j now urging our ambitious toil, We haften to recount the various fprings Of adventitious pleaiure, which adjoin Their grateful influence to the prime effeeT: Of objects grand or beauteous, and inlarge The complicated joy. The fweets of (enlu, Do they not of: with fweet accefiion flow, To raife harmonious fancy's native charm ? So while we taite the fragrance of the rofe, Glows not her blufh the fairer ? While we view Amid the noontide walk a limped rill Gufh thro' the trickling; herbage, to the third- Of fummer yielding the delicious draught Of cool lefrefhment; o'er the mofiv brink Shines not the furface clearer, and the waves With tweeter mufic murmur as they flow : Critick. LEXIPHANES. 8i Critick, I've made a confounded miftake here. 3 Twas well I did not give him a fee, as I was once thinking to do. This Phyfician is mad- der than the patient, and has more need of a prefcription. What he fpouts forth mould be poetry by the found. I mean blank verfe. But I don't underftand one word on't. Doctor, I fee you are jufl now got into the clouds, where, by cuftom, timeout of mind, people are freed from the flavery of talking fenfe. I beg you'd defcend from your pre- fent altitudes, and endeavour to earn the fee I promifed you, First Physician. Say, why was man fo eminently rais'd Amid the vaft creation ; why ordain'd Thro' life and death to dart his piercing eye, With thoughts beyond the limit of his frame ; But that th' Omnipotent might fend him forth In fight of mortal and immortal pow'rs, As on a boundlefs theatre, to run The great career of juftice ; to exalt His gen'rous aim to all diviner deeds ; To chafe each partial purpofe from his bread ; And thro' the mifts of paflion and of fenfe, G And 82 LEX1PHANES. And thro' the toiling tide of chance and pain,. To hold his courfe unfalt'ring, while his voice Of truth and virtue, up the fteep afcent Of nature, calls him to his high reward, Th' applauding fmile of heav'n ? Elfe wherefore burns In mortal bofoms this unquenched hope, That breaths from day to day fublimer things, And mocks pofTeilion ? wherefore darts the mind, With fuch refiftlefs ardour to embrace Majeftic forms ; impatient to be free, Spurning the grofs controul of wilful might ; Proud of the ftrong contention of her toils ; Proud to be daring ? Who but rather turns To heav'n's broad fire his unconftrained view, Than to the glimmering of a waxen flame ? Who that, from Alpine heights, his lab'ring eye Shoots round the wide horizon, to furvey Nilus or Ganges rowling his bright wave Thro' mountains, plains, thro' empires black with fhade, And continents of fand ; will turn his gaze To mark the windings of a fcanty rill That muimurs at his feet ? The high-born foul Difdains to reft her heav'n-afpiring wing Beneath its native quarry. Tir'd of earth And this diurnal fcene, {he fprings aloft Thro' fields of air ; purfues the flying ftorm ; Rides on the volley'd lightning thro' the heav'ns; Or yok'dwith whirlwinds and the northern blaft 7 Sweeps- L £ X I P H A N E S, S3 Sweeps the long Craft of day. Then high (he foars The blue profound, and hovering round the fun Beholds him pouring the redundant ftream Of light ; beholds his unrelenting fway Bend the reluctant planets to abfolve The fated rounds of time. Thence far effus'd She darts her fwiftnefs up the long career Of devious comets ; thro' its burning figns Exulting meafures the perennial wheel Of nature, and looks back on all the ftars, Whofe blended light, as with a milky zone* Inverts the orient. Now amaz'd fhe views Th' empyreal wafte, where happy fpirits hold, Beyond this concave heav'n, their calm abode ; And fields of radiance, whofe unfading light Has travell'd the profound fix thoufand years, Nor yet arrives in fight of mortal things. Ev'n on the barriers of the world untir'd She meditates th' eternal depth below; Till, half recoiling, down the headlong deep She plunges; foon o'erwhelm'd and fwallow'd up In that immenfe of being, '(here her hopes Reft at the fatal goal. For from the birth Of mortal man, the fovereign Maker faid, That not in humble nor in brief delight Not in the fading echoes of renown, Pow'r's purple robes, nor pleafure's flow'ry lap, The foul mould find enjoyment : but from thefe Turning difdainful to an equal good, G 2 Thro' 8 4 LEXIPHANES, Thro' all th' afcent of things inlarge her view, Till every bound at length fhould difappear, And infinite perfection clofe the fcene. Critick. I afk pardon, Doctor, for having inter- rupted you. I fee you are very bufy at prefent. I mall take an opportunity, when you are more at leifure, to wait on you with the patient. FiPst Physician. Wait awhile, My curious friends ! and let us firfl arrange In proper orders your promifcuous throng. Behold the foremoft band $ of {lender thought, And eafy faith ; whom flatt'ring fancy fooths With lying fpeclres, in themfelves to view Illuftrious forms of excellence and good, That fcorn the manilon. With exulting hearts They fpread their fpurious treafureS to the fun, And bid the world admire ! but chief the glance Of wifhful envy draws their joy-bright eyes, And lifts with felf-applaufe each lordly brow. In number boundlefs as the blooms of fpring, Behold their glaring idols, empty fhades By fancy gilded o'er, and then fet up For adoration. Some in learning's garb, With formal-band, and fable-cinclur'd gown, And LEXIPHANES, $ 5 And rags of mouldy volumes. Some elate With martial fplendor, fteely pikes and fwords Of coftly frame, and gay Poenician robes Inwrought with flow'ry gold, afTume the port Of ftately valour : lilVnmg by his fide There ftands a female form ; to her, with looks Of earneft import, pregnant with amaze, He talks of deadly deeds, of breaches, ftorms, And fulph'rous mines, and ambufh : then at once Breaks off, and fmiles to fee her look fo pale, And afks fome wond'ring queftion of her fears. Others of graver mien ; behold, adorn'd With holy enfigns, how fublime they move And bending oft their fan6timonious eyes, Take homage of the fimple-minded throng $ AmbafTadors of heav'n i Critick. This is paft all fuiferance. Patient Griz- zel herfelf could not endure fuch a huf~ band. How fhall I manage to get rid of this poetical fop. I had beft quarrel with him on pretence he affronts me by brand- ifhing his fill, and making mouths in the fury and extacy of his reheaffal. G 7 PlRST 86 LEXIPHANES. First Physician. What, when to raife the meditated fcenc, The flame of paflion, thro' the ftruggling foul Deep-kindled, fhows acrofs that fudden blaze The object of it's rapture, vaft of fize, With fiercer colours and a ni^ht of (hade ? What ? * Critic*;. What Sir, do you fhake your fift at me, laugh at me, and threaten me, all in one breath ? * The reft of this pafTage is as follows : Like a ftorm from their capacious bed The founding feas o'ervvhelming, when the might Of tbefe eruptions, working from the depth Of man's ftrong apprchenfion, ihakes his frame Ev'n to the bafe ; from ev'ry naked fenfe Of pain or pleafure, diifipating all Opinion's feeble cov'rings, and the veil Spun from the cobweb fafhion of the times To hide the feeling heart ? Then nature fpeaks Her genuine language, and the words of men Big with the very motion of our fouls, Declare with what accumulated force Th' impetuous nerve of paffion urges on The native weight and energy of things. I have often admired this fublime piece of non- fenfe, and endeavoured to find out its meaning; but it hath hitherto bafHed the outmoft exertion of my intellectual powers. Whoever mail give a confiftent explication of it, and in a few words, for I bar a commentary ; Erit mibi Magnus Jj-cKo. LEXIPHANES. S 7 breath ? Know Sir, I am not a man to put up with fuch ufage ? Befides, Sir, I have very particular bufinefs with this gentleman, and if you don't take yourfelf away, fhall make bold to apply that you wont like, to what my friend here calls a very refpecta- ble part of your body *. * This language, perhaps, requires fome apolo- gy, when applied to one, who though a very affedl- ed poet, may be, and I doubt not is a very worthy gentleman. As for the poet himfelf, I can only hope he will look down upon it, with that noble and fovereign difdain fo well becoming our modern Milton and Britifh Lucretius, for fo he is called. To the publick I make the following excufe. Let the fituation of the Critick be confidered, one who had never heard of the Poem or Poet, and, taking him for a madman, earneflly defirous to break off the rehearfal, and it will be owned no other expedi- ent could fo naturally be thought on. Grant it were a dignus vindice nodus, yet there was no Vindex, no God, who could be introduced with any propriety. Had the Critick, indeed, been acquainted with th$ allegory which Old Harmodius wont to teach His early age, he might have pretended to appall him, by gazing the godlike prefeuce of the genius of humankind, to lure him away with the charms of the heavenly partner, the fovereign fair, or the gay companion the fair Euphrojyne, G 4- or 83 LEXIPHANES. First Physician. Thou my prime part profane with defperate toe, By heavens, bafe caitiff, thou {halt be amerc'd, And when in durance vile defpair fhall grafp Thy agonizing bofom, thou fhalt learn. Then thou fhalt learn. Critick. Learn ! What fhould I learn from thee, poetical fop! But coniider Sir, (I wont quarrel with this madman if I can help it) here's company coming, and fure were you in your fenies you would not be feen in fuch extafy for the world. I befeech you go re^ hearle elfewhere. A happy riddance faith. Exit ift Phyf. But or he might e'en have frightened him off with a his real fentiments with reiped to rhyme a verfe. zo6 LE.XIPHANES, dent, I intended calling at your lodgings, to confult you on this bufinefs. And indeed had done it before now, but the adventure cf the rehearfing poet drove it out of my head. I believe you like hard words as lit- tle as I do, nay, am told you have written againft them *. But you mud be fenfible, this inveterate difeafe, or rather epidemical madnefs, will not yield to that alone. More powerful remedies muft be applied, and I fhould be glad to know whether Apotheca- ry's Hail furnifhes any antidote againft it. The ancients purged the brain of madnefs and choler, by means of white Hellebore : then why mould not our modern Efculapi- ufes pofTefs fome fpecifick to clear the fto- mach and inteftines cf the filth and tram of hard words ? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth fpeaketh. Second Physician. I know not ; but I have a draught in my pocket here, I was going to carry to one of my mad patients. 'Tis a member of parlia- ment, * I remember to have feen a fmall treatife of that nature afcribed to Dr. Armflrong, how truely I can- not fav. LEXIPHANES, 107 ment, who loft his wits together with his place, at the laft change of miniftry. He has been very furious indeed, and we have had much ado to prevent his dying the death of an old Roman or modern EnglihV man ; befides, he ufed to be continually- raving about Dubeity and 'Totality, which he would have it, occafioned him the lofs of his office. This makes me think, there's fomething not unlike between his cafe and Mr. J n's, and that this potion may do our friend fome fervice, for I obferve, fince the mad member has taken it, he has been altogether filent as to thofe hard words I fpoke of. It works upwards, and with great violence. What do ye fay ? Shall we try it upon Lexiphanes ? Critick. By all means. 'Twere to be wifhed we could only recover him fo far, as to enable him to tranflate his own Ramblers into tole- rable good Englifh ; fuchEnglilh, I mean, as a common reader might underiland, with- out the help of his dictionary. For, after all, this may be a bookieller's project at bottom y he might write his Ramblers to make a dictionary necelfary, and afterwards compile ic8 LEXIPHANES. compile his dictionary to explain his Ramb- lers. Such devices are not unufual in the trade, and ought to be difcouraged. Come, Mr. J n, take this draught; drink it up. 'Twill be of mighty fervice to you, if you knew all. J N. Do not, Doctor, exhibit your medica- ted mixture to me, but to that hypocrite of learning to bibulate, who has manifefriy no Ikill in the politicks of literature, and who s thole who are endued with the out- mci .de of intellectual regimen, in his predicated tortucfity, and inanity of imagination. Like the Samian Sage, he would obtrude upon me a quinquennial fi- ience *s and unleis he be checked by a pro- per counteraction, would congeal me with the frigid and narcotick infection of habi- tual drowfinefs, voluntary vifions, invifible riot of the mind, and fecret prodigality of being, into tor; or of tongue, fuppreiTion of imerit 5 and inactivity of pen-f\ He fur* veys * Almoft literally from Lucian. •f Here is a Quaternion followed by a Triad. Con- • he Rambler, No. 89, throughout, amoft^ mor/tl of Lexiphanick eloquence. LEXIPHANES. 109 teys me with the microfcope of critlcifm, but my own laurels obumbrate me from its fulminatlons J. His cowardice is lured to the attack, and he miftakes foftnefs, diffi- dence, and moderation, for imbecility, de- fection, and decrepitude of intellect. But my firmnefs and fpirit mall overpower his arrogance, and repell his brutality. 1 mall convince him I have more fkill in the poli- ticks of literature, than ever Vida had. And fince my long and fatiguing fervice of cele- brity, dazzles not the impertinence of his intimacy to a fitter diftance, I muft confute him v/ith baculinary ratiocination. My cud- gel, with reiterated repercuffions of commu- nicated afiauks, fhall ibcn dilTeminate, by a rapid eventilation, the brains in his pericra- nium, blood in his pericardium, marrow in perhofteum, and interlines in his peritoneum. Ckitick, So, he threatens with his cudgel. I thought what 'twould come to. Doctor, fhall I ven- ture on him? Will you ftand by me? You fee what a fwinging fellow 'tis ! Second t Rambler, No. 156. no LEXIPHANES. Second Physician. Stand by you! ay, that I will ; and, in fuch a caufe, to the very laft drop of my blood. Courage, and to him again. Critick. What, Mr. J n, you thought to bully us, as you did Mr. Foote. In your cudgel, it feems, confifts all your boafted fkill in the po- liticks of literature. But you mail not knock me down, as if I were your bookfeller*. Confider, my friend, we are two to one ; fo not a word more of your cudgel Sir, as you tender your ears, or value going to fleep in a found fkin. You may chance to come off with a fevere drubbing elfe. J N. * The ingenious Mr. Foote, it is faid, once in- tended to exhibit Lexiphanes on the ftage, in all the pomp and folemnity of his pedantry. An exhi- bition, which, in his hands, mull have been highly entertaining, and might have been ufeful. But he was deterred from it, on being told, that Lexipha- nes threatened to appear in perfon, and perform the principal part himfelf with his Cudgel. The flory of his knocking down the Bookfeller, who is crown- ed with the Jordan, in Pope's Dunciad, is well known. No doubt that gentleman regretted his Pericranium was not defended by that ufeful implement, when attacked by this Lexiphanick maner of reafoning. LEXIPHANES. in J * Seeing I muft fuccumb under the violence of prejudice, the fury of force, and the Supe- riority of numbers, I lliall protect myfelf with the mafic of deceit, the grin of irony* and the fneer of diffimulation *. My very benevolent convivial afibciates^ I Iball not henceforth attempt to darken gaiety, or perplex ratiocination by baculi- nary argumentation. Practice not there- fore the inftare of ilrangenefs, pronounce not the monofyllables of coldnefs, but with the finite of condefcenfion, the Solemnity of promiie, and the gracioufnefs of encourage- ment, attend to the fonorous periods of my refpeclful profeflion f, and concede me a more extended, a more deliberate, and a more favourable audience. Second Physician. By all means. Speak, and fpare not, my friend J n -, words are fair, and therefore ought to go free. But filly-cuffs and cud- gel-work is foul play, efpecially among cri- ticks * A brace of Triads, which Lexiphanes is fup- pofed to fpeak afide. + Rambler, No. 194, ii2 LEXIPHANES. ticks and gentlemen.— 'Tis heavenly fport, i*faith'. [afide to Critic. Cr I T I CK. I'm glad you like it. But you'd foon change your note, were you to hear as much of it as I have done. j * I will not indeed infift on the affirmation, that my Ramblers are devoid- of defects ; for having condemned myfelf to compofe on a dated day, I might often bring to my talk, an attention diffipated with the (hrieks and ejaculations of children-, a memory em- barrarTed with heterogeneous purfuits, and inceifant interruptions from the importunity of duns, and feJulity of catchpoles \ an ima- gination overwhelmed with the fumes of hefternal compotations of c I Burton ale; a mind diltradted wi in ag- glomerating expedients to obvia eb~ domadal recurrence of the radical po i of my landlady 's pecuniary impudence, and a body languifhing with diiiernperature, consequential on the reiterated repercufliona of communicated pleafures. But whatever mall be the final fentence of mankind, I have laboured LEX IP H AMES. 113 laboured to refine our language to gramma- tical purity, and to clear it from colloquial barbarifms, licentious idioms, and irregu- lar combinations. Something I have added to the elegance of its conftruction, and fome- thing to the harmony of its cadence. And as it has been my .principal defign to incul- cate wifdom or piety, I have allotted few papers to the idle fports of imagination. Though fome, perhaps, may be found, of which the higheit excellence is to raife an undiftinguifhed blaze of merriment, eafy facetioulhefs, and flowing hilarity, for fcarce- ly any man is fo fleadily ferious as not to re- quire a relaxation from the fternnefs of my philofophy, and the difciplinarian morofe- nefs of dictatorial inftruction *. Therefore, Mr. Critick, I value not the infiduous faftiduofity of your reproof, an abdominal vociferation. And I obfecrate you, Mr. Dodtor, to concede me leave of abfence, for I am, at prefent, inftigated by the ramifications of private friendfhip, to pay a biennial matutinal vifitation to my convi- vial afTociate, the foul-harrowing Richard- fon, the mod emphatical author of Pamela, I Cla- * Ramb. No, 208, ii4 LEXIPHANES. ClariiTa, and Sir Charles Grandifon, whofe conibrt has for feveral periodical lunary cir- cumrotations ceafed to be fluxionary, by which means fhe has loft all her powers of fecundity, and to the great infelicity of the defiderating fair one, has become totally wnarable and unafcenfible *. Second Physician. Worfe and worfe. I find I muft give him a larger dofe than I thought on -, and it may kill him, for I told you it works with great violence. Critick. Faith give it him all. Though it mould kill him, there's no harm done. This fel- low, if let alone, will poifon the fpeech of the whole nation. J N. I befeech you, gentlemen, to relax the mufcles of your difciplinarian morofenefs. I perceive that you are invidious of the high feat, which my gigantick and ftupenduous intelligence that grafps a fyftem by intuition, has obtained in the pinnacles of art and lof- * Literally from Lucian. LEXIPHANES. ii$ iy towers of ferene learning •, that you are betrayed by paflion into a thoufarid ridicu- lous and mifchievous acts of fupplantation and detraction •, that you would gladly lure ine into drowfy equilibrations of undeter- mined councils; and congealing my intellec- tual powers in perpetual inactivity, by the fatal influence of frigorifick wifdom, would deprive me of the ftamp of literary fanclion, which my works have received from the dif- iemination of a rapid fale, and above all, from the annual emanation of royal munifi- cence, the very mention of which mult drive competition into the caverns of envy, and make difcontent tremble at her own mur- murs *i Critick, What can the folemn fop mean by the annual emanation of royal munificence ? Second Physician. What ! don't you know he has a pen- fion f of three hundred a year from the pri- vy purfe ? * Ramb. No. 190. f Befides, being Lexicographer, Grammarian, Poet, Critick, Play-wright, Effayift and Novelliit, all whkh Lexiphanes is to a very eminent degree, it 1 2 feems n6 LEXIPHANES. Critick. "Where is the merit that entitles him to'- that rare favour and diftinction* ? when you feems he is alfo a fort of prophet. At leaft, I can- not help thinking, when he wrote his definitions of the word penfion, that he muft have been under the influence of a prophetical fpirit, if not the fe- cond-fight, for which, a witty but unfortunate man has ridiculed the Scotch nation, as being a fuper- ilition peculiar to them, though 'tis, in truth, a ve- ry ancient and univerfal fuperftition, many traces of it, being found in Homer, and fome even in Shakefpear. In the firft place, Lexiphanes defines a penfion to be an allowance given without any equi- valent : , and fecondly, the pay of a Jlate-hirelingfor treajon again/} his country. Now L can hardly think that either of thefe definitions ever became entirely juil, till Lexiphanes himfelf became a penfioner. For if his merit in authorfhip is the equivalent for his allowance, I make bold to fay, that merit, if not negative, is at leaft, to ufe a word of his own, entirely evanefcent, and of courfe, no equivalent at all. In the next place, though it cannot be alledged he was ever guilty of treafon againft the conftitution of his country, yet there are, in his writings, num- berlefs treafonable practices againft its language, the purity of which, next to the prefervation of our con- ititutioii, our glory abroad and happinefs at home, is, methinks, the moft important, and ought to be the moft univerfal concern. * I have heard it whifpered, that the real caufe which procured Lexiphanes his penfion, was the con- LEXIPHANES. 117 fay he is not altogether void of fenfe and meaning, though frequently an odd fort of one, and always more oddly expreffed, you I 3 have contempt and averfion he is well-known to enter- tain for the Scotch nation and their innocent coun- try. It feems, the great man at that time was a- fraid he might conjoin his powers of altercathn and dctr delation, to two very witty and ingenious men, who, through caprice or faction, were then abufing a people very grofsly, whom, 'tis faid, they were far from difliking in their hearts. But this anecdote is, methinks, extremely improbable; for I can ne- ver imagine that a minifter, who relying, it may be prefumed, on the rectitude of his meafures, and con- scious uprightnefs of his heart, fo nobly, I will not ^ay politically, neglected fuch men as Wilkes and Churchill, would ever ftoop to purchafe the filence inly of a Lexiphanes at fo high a price : for I have not heard he hath ever employed his powers fif celebra- tion in the caufe jjf his patron, at leaft I do not remem- ber to have feen his very remarkable cloven foot in the party wranglings of that period. Be this, how- ever, as it will, it implies, at any rate, a very fe- vere fatyr againfl the tafle of the publick, which,, 'twas fuppofed, could be influenced by any thing faid on either fide the queftion, by that heavy af- fected pedant, who has not the leaft notion of elo- quence, poiTefTes not the fmalleft talents for wit, humour, or ridicule, but when he makes an attempt that v/ay, as do him juftice, is but feldom, appears as clumfy and awkward as a dancing bear. nS LEXIPHANES. have fald all you can with juflice fay in behalf. Second Physician. Why, he tells you himfelf, his works have been difjeminated by a rapid Jale, and bis gigantick and ftupenduous intelligence has ob- tained a feat on the pinnacle of arts and lofty tpwers of ferene learning. Critick. Three hundred a year. Sdeath, 'tis im- poffible. It muft be a lie, by all that's good, and I won't believe it. Second Physician. So ! not fatisned with giving me the lie downright, you fwear to it. Look ye, friend, 'tis nothing to me whether you be- lieve it or no. But I tell you once more, he has a penfion of three hundred a year fettled on him for life, and I am not a per- Lon that like to have my word called in queftion, when I affirm any thing in fo fe- lious a manner. Critick. Dear, Sir, I afk you ten thoufand par- dons. But let us have no quarrel about that. No, LEXIPHANES. 119 No, let us rather join in lamenting the me- lancholy condition tafte and writing are re- duced to in our native country. Fall'n to the ground, they can no lower fall. 'Tis really amazing our great men Yet, perhaps, I wrong them, they might give him. this by way of hufh-money, to hinder his writing any more. — That can't be true neither -, he writes on, and what is worfe, they imitate him. — Tafte, genius, eloquence, even language are now loft a- mong us without recovery •, we mail foon relapfe into that ignorance and barbarity into which the whole world was funk during the dark ages. Second Physician. Do not defpair ; in a virtuous attempt, every means ought to be tried. Could we only cleanfe this Augean (table, whence all that filth and trafh has been fpread abroad ; could we drain this muddy ditch whence all thofe torrents of hard words and terms of art have been poured out among the peo- ple, it might do fome good. Were the I 4 foun- i2o LEXIPHANES. fountain-head once dry, the ftream would fail of courfe. Critick. Ay, as you fay, every thing ought to be tried, and no time is to be loft. — Look ye here, Mr. J n, we are very ferious, you mud take this draught, indeed you mull. It will do you good fervice, more than you're aware of. Drink, Sir, and quickly ^too, if you do not, we will gagg you, and pour it down your throat by force. j »• You perfift with a mod pertinacious ob- flinacy, and the fury of your menaces debi- litates my force, relaxes me with numbnefs, and congeals my relblution with the frigori- fick powers of villatick bafhfulnefs, lb that 1 begin to queftion the veracity of fame, and almoft (lumber in the fhades of neutra- lity " :: \ But I am afraid the bibulation of this antidotal mixture will ruinate me, and that if I eject all my replendency of diction, dazzling fcintillations of conceit, regular and unbroken concatenations of allegory, per- * Ramb. No. 159. LEXIPHANES. 121 perturbations of images, figurative diftor- tions of phrafe, foft lapfes of calm melliflu- ence *, accumulations of preparatory know- ledge, fudden irradiations of intelligence, and powers of celebration in the caufe of my patron •, I am afraid I fay, that the an- nual emanation of royal munificence would become torpid, frozen and congealed, and no longer continue to flow with its accuftom- ed accelerated velocity in its prefent eleemo- finary channel. Second Physician. He begins to comply •, 'tis only the fear of his penlion that makes him hefitate, and faith, between you and I, there's fome rea- fon for it ; had he written like a Swift or Addifon, no-body would have minded him ; we have now got another tafte, we love thofe who elevate and furprize like Bays. I think we had better fpeak him fair, and flatter him a little. — Do •, my dear J n, take our advice, drink this mixture, get rid of that confounded abfurdity of hard words, and learn to talk and write like other people. All the world allows you a man of fenfe and team- * Ramb. No. 152, 122 LEXIPHANES. learning ; and here's your friend, a mighty admirer of the found philofophy and deep obfervation concealed in your Ramblers, would give almoft any thing to fee them tr an flated into good old Englim. J I Conftrained by necetfity, mitigated by rTre ramifications of your private friendfhip, znd overcome by the importunity of your olicitations, I declare myfelf obfequious to vour councils, and behold I bibulate. Good God, what's this ? What a fortuitous collifion, what an inverted retrogradation, what an enormous combuftion, what an er- ratic]; grumbling pervades the total involu- ted feries of my inteftinal canal. I have af- furedly fwallowed a fpeaking devil, or got a vcntnloquift in my abdominal regions. Boax, Boax, Boax*. * Vid. Lucian. The reader may reft allured, that after the fecond phyfician becomes concerned in the iguCj moil, if not all, the hard words and Lexi- phanicifms, put into Mr. J ^-n's mouth, are really to be found in the Rambler, though the references are neither fo numerous nor fo exalt as they might : been, owing to a caufe already mentioned. lid any doubt my word, they may be convinced with J, EXIPHANES. 123 Second Physician. Well done my friend J n, drain hard, end you'll do the bufinefs. Come throw up powers, that villanous word powers, a word never ufed by any good writer, but when he fpeaks of powers at war, or to that purpofe, but now applied by our modern fribbles to every poflible thing, to every thing re- lating to man or beall, or to things in- animate. He hear of nothing but powers of ridicule*, mental powers, intellectual with fome trouble, and add a thoufand more to the flock if they pleafe. From this time forward, Lexiphanes is a mute perfon in the dialogue ; and I am perfuaded every man of tafle, and well-wiiher to the language of his country, joins me in the hope that he may ever con- tinue fo. * This expreffion as well as mental powers, is to be found in the Dialogues, of the Dead ; though not in thofe written by the noble author. But then they are in a manner fandiioned by his great authority, as well as by that of the honourable perfon (Air. y — k) who ufes them; nor are the three dialogues referred to at all unworthy of the place they have obtained. Notwithstanding which, I make no fcru- ple to condemn thefe tvvophrafes as quaint and Lex- iphanick. Befides, the word pavers, in the fenfc in which I difapproveit, is ufed even by my Lord Lyttle- ton. t2 4 LEX IP HAN ES, powers^ patron powers of literature^ pow~ ers of dolorous declamation. Inilead of fay - ton Mmfelf. Certain I am, if ufed at all, it has •been ufed very fparingly in that fenfe, by any of our old writers. Yet I muit own, the greatnefs of rhofe modern authorities a little {taggers me, and makes me fufpect I may have contracted an unreafonable «Iiiguii at it, from its having been hackt about in the manner it has, by our moil affected authors, fuch as j n and A de. No man of faChion is now to fcefeen with a filver watch or buckles ; for this reafon only, the meaneft of the vulgar, who can afford the price, havegot them, and they are univerfally deem- ed a piece of low finery. For the fame reafon, me- thiuks, every polite writer ought to be cautious how he ufes a word or phrafe, equivocal or doubtful at Left, and which has already been fo much debafedl the common herd of fcribblers. I muit likewife take notice in this place, that I cLo not pretend to reject or expunge, out of the Eng- language, any, far lefs all thofe words, which, to prefcrve the humour of the Dialogue, I have cau- Lexiphancs to throw up. Such a thought would fee highly ridiculous; for experience and the prac- tice of the beft writers have fhewn us that there is no word, not even the hardeft in all his Dictionary or Ramblers, but what may be proper, nay the pro- 2ft at certain times, and in fome circumftances. ?r:pir words in their proper places, is the definition of a good ftyle given by Swift. Therefore it is not words thtmil-lves, but their affected ufe, and Effected phrafes that 1 find fault with. But how to LEXIPHANES. 125 i'ng, as people did formerly, fuch a one is a perfon of talents, parts, or abilities,, the word now is, he has great powers, and thofe powers are, according to the wares he deals in, either theatrical, comical, tra- gical, poetical, or paradoxical. The modern Rofcius cannot ftep upon the ftage, but in the next news-paper, our ears are ftunned with the amazing theatrical powers of our in- imitable Garrick ; nor M — y exhibit a new piece, (another of their cant words, fel- dom proper, but in the mouth of a pup- pet-man, which, however, they are fure ta exhibit on every ordinary occafion) whether it be a Defart I/land or the Way to win him> but we have a dilcufiion in the next review on his comtck or tragick powers, jufb as it happens to be written in blank verfe or blanker profe. In the next place, get up, gaze I beieeeh you, imp, prime, forms, ho- nours, great words with the mad poet ; then take the lead a vile phrafe, taken from the Card or Billiard table. Lore, Lore, mult come away to attain the one, and to avoid the other, is not to be learned from a grammar or dictionary ; but by keeping good company and ftudying good au- thors. 126 LEXIPHANES. away next, a word of mighty requeft in Pro- logues and Epilogues to new plays ; if the author has not been at fchool, the audience are defired to excufe his faults and pity his ignorance of ancient Lore ; but if he has dozed a few years at the univerfity, then are they bullied with his tranfcendent fkill in Greek and Roman Lore. In the laft place, get up gripe, growl, rouze, throbs, whine, words all of them Englifh, but fpoiled Mr. J n, by your affedted ufe of them. So, fo. Well done. Heave again, my friend, put your fingers in your throat, I befeech you, my dear Sir, bring me up all your hard cant words, of two and three, and if you can; of four fyllables. j » Boax, Boax, Boax. Second Physician 7 . Well done i'faith; here comes devoid* delate, replete, fuccumb, difcufs, torpor, fri- gcr, vernal, diurnal, paucity, inanity, vicini- ty, celebrity, hilarity, and a thoufand others -, fo, ib, his ftomach at leaft-feems to be pret- ty clear now, Cri- LEXIPHANES. 127 Critick, I afk your pardon, Doctor, there are fome words yet, I infill on't, are not to be left behind. He muft bring up repugnant and abhorrent. Second Physician. Good God, what do you mean ? Vvhat are you doing ? Why man, all thefe words are in the and Critick. What's that to me ? If they are there, I know no bufinefs they have to be there, at leaft on every occafion. They iTiall come up by Heavens, were they even in the thirty- nine articles. Second Physician. . Nay, you'll do as you pleafe. But take notice, I wafh my hands on't. Critick. Here, get me a feather, that I may tickle his throat with it's irritating powers* and rejufcitate the convulfive motion of his epigaf- trial regions. So, here they come at lair., but one mould think he wrote the --- himfelf, he had fuch an abhorrency at part- ing 128 LEXIPHANES. ing with repugnant i and fo great a repug- nancy to part with abhorrent. — But as yet, I have iecn none of his verba fefquipedalia, none of his words a foot and a half long, thofe I mean which end in atian, ility, ality, utity, icitude, etitude, and fo forth. Be- fides, he has brought up none of his 'Triads nor Quaternians -, none of his quaint af- fected phrafes, fuch as the filent celerity cf time, the fuperficial glitter of vanity, and a thoufand more of the fame fort. Should we leave thefe behind, he will be little the bet- ter for all the pains we have taken. Pray, Doctor, how do you account for that ? Second Physician. The moft probable conjecture I can form, is what follows. Thefe words and phrafes, by their extreme ponderofity, muft have funk fo far down into his abdominal regions, as to get below the valve of the Colon, and muil now be entangled in the involutions and rug but leave the unfortunate gentleman to flate his own cafe, and to fpeak for himfelf. The Letter above-mentioned was direct- ed to a Gentleman of great eminence in the Law, whofe name I am not at liberty to reveal. It is as follows, verbatim et literatim. Monsieur, POSTSCRIPT. 175 Monsieur, ME be one Francheman dat rcprefente my grievance to you vor de advife. My occupation be to dreiTe and to frize de Hairs of de Ladies and de Jen til mans-, and out of de pure affection vor de bon peuple of Englande, and vor deir grand improve- ment, and dat dey make de better appear ance, me leave my chere patrie, and come over here. And me ave at de grand de- penfe made one purchaie of de Diclionaire of de Docleur S — 1 J n, vor apprendre more facilernenr, and parle more juftemenc and proprement de Englifh Tongue. Eut dat vilain Dictionaire ave lecle me into ver grand miflake, and ave gote me kicke, cuffe, beate, and my tcet drive down my troate ; and now me vant to know veder me can ave de action of de law vor my domage againft dis Docleur J n. Ave de patience, Monfieur, and me vill telle you all my misfortune. Yen me arrive a Dover, me ave dans ma poche one piece of de hue Bruffel Lace, as a prefant vor Ruffle, or odcr tings, vor my ver good friend 176 POSTSCRIPT. friend Madame la Duchefle of . But no fooner me fet foote on fhore, but de grand vilain come, and he do fearche me, and he take from me my Lace. I afke him, Foutre, vat Diable be yon, and vor vat you robe me ? He telle me, he be one Of- ficier of de Excife, and he do no more dan his duty. Den I fay, Foutre, dis be de hateful Taxe levied upon de Commodite, and you be de Vretche hire by dofe to vom Excife be paye. Den he enter in a grand co- lere, and he ftrike me, and breake my heade, Jamie. I tella him, All dat be in the Die- tionaire of de Docteur J n * \ but he damn Me, and de Docleur J n bot. Ver veil, dus I lofe my Lace, and ave my heade broke 5 and now I go vor Lon- dres in de Diligence, and de ver next day go to Monfieur SAY, and defire Him to put in de Gazetteer, as one Article of Nouvelles ; Dat laft nighte arrive from Pa- rie, Monfieur Dugard de Belletete, to dref- fe and to frize de Hairs of all his ver good friends Excise, A hateful tax levied upon Commodi- ties, and adjudged not by the common judges of property, but wretches hired by thofe to whom ex- cife is paid. Johnson's Dictionary. POSTSCRIPT. i 77 friends de NoblefTe of Englande, dat he ave his habitation at de Gridiron, in Broad St. Giles's, and dat he vill vait on de Ladies and Jentlemans at deir own houfe. Bur Monfieur SAY tella me, ver civillement dat he mud ave de Money from me, vor dac de Gouvernment charge to hime, and make him paye. Den I teila him, I fee it be ver true vat Docleur J n fay of you*, Dac you be one Bougre ofde utmoft Infamie, and dat you be one Vretche hire to juftifie de Cour. Monfieur SAY demande of me, for vat I affronte him in his own houfe. Den I draw my forde vor my propre defence, buc Monfieur SAY take my forde from me Be- gar, and break it over my heade, and den he and his Diable kicke me down ftaire Jamie. After dis, to refrefhe and recruite my fpirit, I go to one Beer-houfe, and do calie vor one coup of Liqueur, and do enter into converfation vit one Jentleman dat vas fum- ing his pipe at de firefide, and dis Jentle- man ave but one eye, one lege, and one arme. And de grand conteftation and de ver high vorde arife about de gloire of de grand Mo- N narche, * Gazetteer. It was lately a term of the ut- moft infamy, being ufually applied to wretches that * f ere hired to vindicate the Court. Ibid. POSTSCRIPT. ^e, and of de Tranche nation, and de Jen- tleman demande of me, Vat I be P I tella him, I be one Marquis of France, and one Chevalier of de order of St. Louis •, and den demande of hi me, Vat be you? and he tella me, Dat he be one Lieutenant of one man of Var, dat he lofe one eye at Cape Breton, one arme in the combat vlt MoH/ieur Conflans, and one lege at Martinique, and dat he live at prefant on his half-pay, and dat he ave, befide one imall penfion of Tirty Livre fter- lin a year. Den I fay to him ; Jan Foutre, I be my own Matre, but yen be one flave, - your Doctor J n , and dat you be one Traicre to your n tie man fay no- , cut vit his ftumpe knoeke me down, [rive tree of my teet down my troate. , all dis ver veil. I lie one mont and ven 1 be recovere, I fee :emiTement vorde Con- st togeder at de Sun- to cpnfulte on deir {pe- dal , An allowance made to any one .. equivalent. In England it is generally d to mean pay given to a ftate-ftireling for h i s c c u R t ry . P E x s i o n e r . A fl ave o f ... .1 by a (Hper.d to obey his Mailer. Ibid. POSTSCRIPT. 179 cial affaire. I confult de grand DicYionaire of dis Docteur J n, and I fee dat Oats be de food of de horle, in England", but of de peuple in Scotlande *. Le I . fay 1 to myfeif, do de EngKft i de Scottifhmans meet and drinke togeder in dis country ' Begar I vill go fee dis Mer- vielle. Veil, I go to de Caberet at de hour, find fee ver few Scottifhmans, and ver many Englifhmans, but not one Horfe nor one Mare. I vait long time, and at laft I fay to fome, dat I tought vere Englifhmans, by deir broad face and deir great belly : Vat Jentelmens be all your Horfe ficke, or take phyficke, dat you come here in deir place, and be de reprefentative of de Horfe, But dey tinke I do affronte dem, and dey d— n my eyes, and kicke me, and cuffe me, and bruife me fo, dat I be took up for deade, and do keep my bede ever fince. But, Monfieur my Apoticaire tella me, dat dis Docleur J n, be himfelf, ten time one greater flave to his Matre, and ten time one greater Traitre to his country dan de Lieutenant of de fhip of Var vit one eye, one * Oats. A grain which, in England, is gene- rally given to horfe:, but in Scotland fupports the people. Ibid, i8o POSTSCRIPT. one arme, and one lege ; vor dat he ave go? one penfion of Tree Hundred Livre fterlin a year, vor de vriting of de nonfenfe and dc grand fluffe; vereas de poor Lieutenant dat lofe one half of himfelfe, in de fervice of his country, ave got but Tirty. Derefore, Monfieur, mon Cher Ami, I befeecha you to file one bille in Chancery againit dis faid Docleur S- — 1 J n, vor dat He, vit his vilain Di&ionaire, vilfully, and vit malice propenfe, ave cheate, deceive, and abufe me fo, dat I ave got my heade and forde broke, my teet knocke down my troate, and myfelf fokicke, cuffe, and bruife, dat I keep my bede, and ave lofe all my time and bus'nefie ; and dat you vill oblige him, de faid Docteur S— -1 J n, to make com- penfation fufficient to me, vor all my do- mage, out of de pay give to hime, as hire- ling of de ftate vor treafon to his country, and to demande my pardon in de publique papier, and likevife, to make de necefTaire change in his Didlionaire. / ave de Honeur to be, Vit all Refpetf poffibk, Monfieur, Tour ver humble Serviieur, Dugard de Belletete. ^H ■