■r,. DUKE UNIVERSITY ^' -v' '"^A. ' LIBRARY 1 1 fi ^ 4^ owe. 0 V. ^ .0^ ^0 o^. ■ 0' o 0 0 1 ^> X o 0' V ^ Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2015 https://archive.org/details/nnodernnnannerssoc01smil MODERN MANNERS AND SOCIAL FORMS. A Manual of the Manners and Customs of the Best Modem Society, Compiled from the Latest Authorities; and also Including the Forms for Invitations, and Social and Business Letters and Notes of Various Kinds. id By Mrs. JULIA M. BRADLEY. \ To which has been added a Supplement, containing SUGGESTIONS IBOUT THE TOILET, BEAUTY AND HElLfS. " What a rare gift is that of manners! Better for one to possess them than wealthy beauty or talent; they will more than supply a?/," — BuiiWEB-LYTTON. CHICAGO, ILL. : JAMES B. SMILEY, Publishek, 232 West Washington Street. J. M. BALL, Little Rock, Ark. 1889. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year eighteen hundred and eighty-nine, by JAMES B. SMILEY, In the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. All Kights Reserved. THIS BOOK is sold by SUBSCRIPTION ONLY -NOT to be had in BOOKSTORES. Those desiring a copy, and not knowing any agent, should address the publisher. 3°i5 TO ALL THOSE WHO WISH TO OBSEKVE THE BEST SOCIAL FORMS, AND ACQUIRE POLISHED AN"D AGREEABLE MANISTIRS, THIS LITTLE WORK IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED, THE HOPE THAT IT MAY AID THEM IN THEIR LAUDABLE ENDEAVORS. PREFACE, A KNOWLEDGE of etiquette has been well defined as a knowledge of the rules of society at its best; and obedi- ence to these rules is as important in the social world as obedience to law is in political and business affairs. So essen- tial are these observances that 'Mrs. H. O. Ward truthfully says, that if any thoughful person of refined nature was asked, " \\Tiich individual do you find most essential to your enjoyment of society — the wit, the man of genius or talent, whose manners are bad, or the man wanting in wit, wanting in talent even, whose manners are faultless? but would answer, ' If I cannot have a society where both wit and good manners are found, I will dispense with the wit, for good manners I must have.' " Another writer says: " Those who def\' the rules of the best society, and claim to be superior to them, are always coarse in their moral fibre, however strong they may be intellectually," — a sentiment we most heartily endorse. In no other country, probably, are so many people anxiously inquiring, ""What are the requirements of good society?" and when once the correct form is known there is a genuine desire to conform to it. It was in the hope of helping these earnest inquirers that this work was undertaken. In the constant daily intercourse of people, in city and country', it is very important that they should understand those customs and observances which will enable the different social units to mingle together pleasantly and without needless friction. The foundation and support of all our social laws is that they tend to add materially to the happiness and comfort of those who associate together. Acts of attention and kindness to others not only increase their happiness, but they also ennoble the doer. 6 PREFACE. In this work we have consulted the best authorities, and aimed to give the established rules of society at its best, rather than to express any striking individual opinions. A work on etiquette is used very largely as a book of reference to settle uncertain points as they arise, and for this reason the endeavor has been made to so classify and sub-divide the subjects that anyone can readily find what is wanted without needless delay. We hope this feature will add to its popularity and usefulness. The writing of letters and notes of various kinds has come to be an important feature of social life, and it is very necessary for those who associate much with others to understand the correct and most graceful forms, and for this reason we have made that section of our work quite lengthy and complete. The chapters on the toilet and kindred topics offer hints on subjects which many people are anxious to learn about, and we feel confident that the suggestions there given can be safely relied on. CONTENTS. Page Introductory Remarks 13 Regard for Others 18 Introductions 22 Salutations 32 The Bow 33 I Shaking Hands 35 Kissing 36 ' Verbal Salutations 37 'Invitations, Acceptances and Regrets.... Acceptances and Eegrets — 49 | Invitations. Cards Cards of Congratulation, Con- dolence, Compliment and Ceremony 65 Forms and Styles 55 ,39 37 ,55 Hints on the Use of 61 P. P. C. Cards 60 Taming Down Cards 60 When to Leave Cards 61 Calling Customs Calls of Congratulation, Con- dolence and Ceremony 71 Conduct During Calls 72 First Calls 68 Hints to Gentlemen 79 Hints to Ladies 76 68 Hours for Calling 75 Leave Taking 74 Length of Calls 75 Not at Home 70 Presenting Letters of Introduc- tion 76 New Year's Calls 83 ••Visiting .88 Births, Christenings, Caudle Parties and Confirmations 94 Births 94 i Christenings, 95 .96 I Confirmation 97 Caudle Parties . 'Courtship and Engagement Etiquette. ,99 ^Etiquette of Weddings 107 A Wedding in Church 107 A Wedding at Home, 110 Answering Invitations 121 Best Man, the 114 Bridal Tour US Bridesmaids 114 Choosing the Day 112 English Wedding Breakfast. Ill Honeymoon Ill Invitations 117 Mourners at 113 Paying the Expenses 121 Remunerating Servants 123 Receptions 113 Ushers 115 Wedding Cake. 121 Wedding Presents 115 Wedding Ring 122 Widow Re-marrying 112 ^Wedding Anniversaries 125 (7) 8 CONTENTS. Etiquette of Funerals and Mourning 131 Arrangements for a Funeral. 131 Periods of Mourning 135 Funeral Notices 132 The Procession 134 Calls of Condolence 134 The Services 133 Etiquette op Dress 140 Gloves Ladies Use of 153 Dress 140 for Archery 150 " Balls 143 *' Bathing 151 " Bazaars 150 " Brides 151 *' Bridesmaids 152 *' Business. 149 Calling 147 " Calls, Receiving. 146 " Church..... 144 " Concerts 144 *' Croquet Parties. 150 " Dinner Parties . . 145 " Driving 147 " Evening 143 " Informal, even'g 145 " Evening Parties. 145 ** Excursions 150 " Garden Parties . . 150 " Lawn Parties. . . . 150 Ladies' Dress for Morn'g, at Home 146 " " Mourning 153 " Opera 144 " " Picnics 150 " " Promenade Con- certs 150 " " Riding 148 " " Skating Parties. . 150 " " Street 147 *' Theatre 144 " Traveling 149 " Visiting 146 " " Walking 147 " Weddings 152 " " Wedding Recep- tions 152 " " Yachting 150 Gentlemen's Dress 153 " " Gloves, Use of. 156 " " for Evening — 154 Morning... 155 Weddings.. 156 The Harmony of Colors. 156 Dinner Parties After- calls 178 Announcing Dinner 167 Arrival of the Guests 166 Boutonnieres. 171 Dress for 177 Duties of Host and Hostess . 174 Duties of Servants 172 Favors 171 French Style of Serving 163 Invitations 161 160 Introductions 167 Leave-taking 177 Number to Invite „ 162 Returning Hospitalities 177 Russian (a la Russe) Style of Serving 164 Serving the Dinner . , 169 Table Appointments 163 Wines 176 Whom to Invite 162 Table Manners 180 Carving 191 General Rules of Politeness. 180 On Eating Vegetables, Fruit, Ber- ries and other dishes 187 The Knife, Fork and Spoon ....... 1 89 Luncheons, Breakfasts and Simple Dinners 196 Breakfasts 199 Luncheons 196 Simple Dinners 201 Supper Parties. 200 The Family Table 203 Breakfasts 203 Dinner 204 Luncheon 204 Tea or Supper 206 CONTENTS. 9 Table-cloths and Napkins. . . . "Etiquette of Balls After-calls 218 Arrival, and Entering the Drawing-room 215 Dances, the various kinds. . . 225 Dress for Balls 218 Escort, duties of 219 Hints to Gentlemen 220 Parties, Receptions and other Afternoon Keceptions 232 Afternoon Teas 232 Archery 252 Asparagus Parties 251 Author's Parties 244 Blue Dinners and Teas 239 Boating, 253 Card Playing 244 Charades 243 Coaching 251 Coasting Parties 255 Croquet 253 Evening Parties 229 Fishing 254 Garden Parties 246 Glass Dinners 239 High Tea 235 Hunting Parties 250 Informal Entertainments. . . 236 207 211 Hints to Ladies 224 Invitations 211 Leave-taking 218 Preparations for a Ball 214 Receiving the Guests 216 Supper and Refreshments 217 Gatherings 229 Kettledrums 232 Lawn Parties 246 Lawn-Tennis 252 Matinees 240 Mme. Tussaud Receptions 238 Morning Receptions 232 Opera Parties 237 Picnics 249 Pink Dinners and Teas 239 Silver Dinners 239 Skating Parties 254 Soirees 240 Sunday Hospitalititc 239 Tableaux 243 Theatre Parties 237 Theatricals, Private 243 Tobogganing 255 Yachting 253 Etiquette of Public Places . Etiquette at Church 278 Church Fairs. .. 284 Concerts 280 while Driving 266 at Hotels 273 " in Omnibusses 272 at Operas 280 " in Picture Galleries 28 i 257 Etiquette of Public Halls 280 Riding 264 " Shopping 276 on the Street 257 Street-cars 272 at Studios 284 Theatres 280 ofTraveUing 268 School-room Etiquette : 287 •Etiquette of the Home 290 Manners of Children 295 Treatment of SfiRViVNTS 303 Business Etiquette , . . 307 Etiquette of Presents and Borrowing 309 Good and Bad Society 315 Concerning Chaperons 318 Washington Etiquette 324 Country Manners a^d Hospitality 330 10 CONTENTS. Etiquette of Clubs Etiquette of Conversation . . . AFewDont's 356 Adaptability 346 Advice, Giving of 345 Affectations 349 Argaing 344 Coarseness,... 348 Compliments 345 Contradictions 345 Correcting Others 343 Drawing Oat Others 346 English Pronunciation 355 Egotism 343 Exaggerations 348 Forms of Address 349 Gossip. 347 Hobbies 345 Language, Suggestions about 352 Listening. 342 Manners 340 335 339 Modesty 341 Personal Appearance 340 Profanity 348 Pronunciation 354 Pronunciation, English 355 Puns 844 Questions » 844 Simplicity 341 Slanders , 347 Slang 348 SmaUTalk 850 Stories 343 Subjects of 340 Sympathy 342 Talent, Displays of 347 Talking Shop 346 Voice 340 Wit 347 Unsettled Points of Etiquette 359 About After-calls 365 Concerning Chaperons 363 Courtesies to Others 363 Giving the Inside or Wall. . . 360 On Sending Invitations 362 The Right or Left Arm 359 Who Should Bow First. 361 Miscellaneous Rules of Etiquette 367 Adaptability 367 I General Hints 371 About Minute Formalities . . 368 Public Displays of Talent 370 Ease and Self-possession — 369 Right of Privacy 370 Letters and Notes Abbreviations, Use of Answering Letters Beginning a Letter Blotted Letters Capitals, Use of Closing for Letters Conclusion, the, of Letters . . Crossing the Writing Dating Letters with Figures Envelope, Addressing the. .. Figures, Use of 382- Folding the Letter Foreign Titles French Phrases Grammar Handwriting Headings for Letters 419 396 381 403 396 892 384 381 404 404 880 418 386 377 Ink, What to use 380 Introduction, the, of Letters 388 Letters Announcing Engagement. 439 " of Apology 436 " to Bridesmaid 439 " of Business 429 " of Condolence 420 •* of Congratulation 422 " Draft, Form of 432 *' About Favors Asked 433 " of Friendship 424 Relating to Gifts, 435 " to Godmother, Request to Act 489 " of Invitation 428 " of Inquiry 431 " of Introduction 4i7 CONTENTS. 11 Letters A^■D Xotes (Continued). " Notes, Form of 431 " to Pall-bearer, Re- quest to Act 439 " of Postponement 428 " Receipts, Form of.. 432 " of Recommendation 434 " Social 424 Paper, the Kind to Use 378 Postscripts 354 Punctuation, Hints on 399 Openings for Letters S96 Sealing-was, Use of 3S0 Slovenly Letters 381 SpeUing 381 Style 382 Superscription, the 404 Third Person, Use of 385 Titles, addr ssing people with 411 Underscoring 334 Wafers, Use of 380 S TJ :P IP Xj IE IE IDT T . SrGGESTIO:^S ABOUT BEAUTY. HEALTH A^'D THE TOILET. About Be^^utt The Standard of Beauty 450 ' Oy Detelopen"g Be.\utt and Gr. Bathing Young Children — 455 Beer and Cider for Children 457 Ears, Large, to Modify 466 Exercise 458 Fresh Air, Importance of .. . 458 Freckles and Sunburn 465 The Complexion Ammonia, Use of 474 Benzoin, Use of 473 Borax, Use of 474 Bran, Use of 475 Cleopatra's Bath for 487 Cold Cream 476 Cosmetics 475 Enameling the Skin 487 Dew-water 469 Face-masks 486 Lait Virginal 478 Affectio>-s of the Sken- Acne 490 Bites and Stings 493 Black Heads 494 Blisters 494 Boils 494 Bruises 495 Burns and Scalds 495 Chaps 496 Dark Lines Under the Eyes . 496 Dye 497 Erysipelatous Inflammation 510 4io Beauty of Form 453 ACE es- Childeex 156 Hair, the 465 Nose, a Pug, to Cure 466 Nursing One's Own Children 457 Stays, for Children 463 The Teeth 465 468 Lavender-water 479 Oatmeal, Use of 474 Powders, Use of 479 Pure Water, Importance of 469 Rouge. 483 Soap, Importance of I*ure 473 Steaming the Skin 486 Toilet Tinegars 478 Virginal Milk 478 AVatermelon-juice 470 489 Flabby SMn 497 Flushing of the Face 497 Freckles 493 Frost Bites 498 Greasiness of the Skin 498 Hard and Stippled Skin 499 Hepatic Spots 50O Herpes Labialis 500 Hives 500 Horny or Thickened Skin 500 Irritable Skin 500 12 CONTENTS. Affections of the Skin (Continued). Itch 500 Itching of the Skin 503 Ivy Poisoning 503 Looseness of the Skin 503 Mask.. 504 Moles 504 Morphew , 504 Moth-spots 504 Muddy Skin 505 Nettle-rash 506 Nettle Stings 505 Nose, the " Cauliflower " 510 PaUid Skin 506 Patches 504 Perspiration . 507 Pimples..., 506 Prickly Heat 507 Redness of the Skin 508 The Hair. Bingworm 510 Sallow Skin 513 Scalds 513 Scars 513 Scratches , 513 Sensitive, or Thin Skin 514 Smallpox Pitting 514 Stings 515 Stains 515 Stippled Skin 515 Sunburn. 515 Sycosis 516 Tan 516 Tattoo Marks 517 Thickened Skin 500 Varicose Veins 517 Warts 517 Wrinkles 518 ...520 Hair Restorers 537 Loss of Color in Hair 537 Lice • 538 Parasites 538 Red, or Sandy Hair 538 Superfluous Hair 538 Switches, to Freshen 539 Thin and t ailing Hair 540 Tenderness of Scalp 544 Wigs, to Bleach 545 526 Bandolene, a 526 Bleaching the 526 Curling and Crimping 527 Damp Hair 529 Dandruff or Scurf. 529 Depilitories 529 Dry and Stiff Hair 529 Greasy Hair 530 Glossy Hair, 530 Hair Dyes 533 Eyebrows and Eyelashes The Eyebrows 546 The Eyes, Ears and Nose The Ears 557 The Eyes 550 The Mouth and Teeth The Breath 564 The Gums 564 The" Hands and Arms The Arms 584 The Hands 572 The Feet and Lower Limbs.. The Feet 586 The Figure 595 546 I The Eyelashes 548 ....550 1 The Nose 555 559 The Lips 559 The Teeth 566 572 The Nails 582 The Lower Limbs. ,586 . 594 The Bosom 598 The Chest 595 Leanness 607 Obesity 605 The Waist 604 INTRODUCTORY REMARKS, HE word Etiquette is of Anglo- Norman origin and originally denoted the ticket tied to bags and bundles to indicate their contents. Generations ago our ancestors wrote or printed their chief rules of behavior on cards or tickets, and thus the word came gradually to have the meaning we ascribe to it. Some code of manners has existed from very early times, and in the "ancient bokes " of the Anglo-Saxons we find directions given our ancestors what to do and what not to do. Ever}' g'^neration since has had its code of manners, but we find our ideals constantly changing. Could one of those old mediaeval Knights be introduced into a modern ball room, or a fashion- able dinner party, he would, we fear, cut a sorry figure. Many of the rules laid down in the old books read curiously in the light of our modern ideas. In one of these works our fore-fathers were told they might wipe their mouths on the table-cloth, but not their noses or eyes! They are also cautioned not to clean their teeth on the table-cloth ! High born ladies swore profusely, and indulged in many practices which would hardly be tolerated now among the lowest orders of society. In view of the recent escapades of the Duke 14 INTKODUCTOEY REMARKS. of Marlborough, the story may be told of a certain Duchess of Marlborough, a few generations back, who called on Lord Mansfield on business, and, not finding him in, declined to give her name. In describing her visit his lordship's secretary said, " I could not make out, sir, who she was ; but she swore so dreadfully that she must be a lady of quality! " From that time to the present there has been a steady improvement in the manners of the people. If, now, we turn to the continent we find the same refinement of manners taking place which has marked the progress of the English speaking people. In Russia Queen Catherine found it necessary to forbid the gentle- men to strike their wives in public! And, again, the ladies are forbidden to wash out their mouths in the drinking glasses ! The French have always ranked as the politest peoplfe, and yet we find an old English traveler relating that he dined " at Madame Du Boca- ge's, a lady of high rank. The footman took the sugar in his fingers and threw it into my coffee. I was going to put it aside, but hearing it was made on purpose for me, I e'en tasted Thomas' fingers. The same lady would needs make tea a V anglaise. The spout of the teapot did not flow freely, so she bade the footman to blow into it!" Various affectations have also had their seasons of fashion and we find one writer in the seventeenth cent- ury relating that " at one time it was fashionable to be short-sighted; a man would not own an acquaintance until he had first examined him through a glass. The age no sooner recovered its sight than the blind were succeeded by the lame." This affectation of looking at an acquaintance through a glass reminds one of a some- what similar modern fashion. We might continue quotations of this kind indefin- itely, but perhaps we have given enough to convey to our INTRODUCTORY REMARKS- 15 readers an idea of the changes which have taken place — and these changes are constantly going on. Many of the rules of etiquette which prevailed ten or twenty years ago are out of date to-day; and then, too, as our nation develops and the prairies are converted into farms, and towns and villages spring up which grow into cities, society becomes more complicated and the need is felt of those social laws which have been devel- oped and adopted in the older communities. In a country like America where there are no castes, and where such rapid changes in the social standing of people take place — the farmer's boy of to-day becoming the pro- minent and wealthy merchant or banker, the governor or president of to-morrow, and where the intermingling or the different classes is so general — there is a constant and almost universal desire to know what the social laws of rules of etiquette of the best society really are. Of course, to a certain extent, etiquette is a matter of locality, so that many of the little points required in the higher circles in New York would not be needed in a thinly settled farming community in Nebraska, and yet there is a constant tendency towards the adoption by all classes of society of the etiquette evolved and adopted by the best social circles, and the very general desire to know what those customs are is a most encouraging sign of the times. One of the first requisites of good manners is the perfect ease and self-possession, the absence of all fussiveness, which comes from a knowl- edge of the rules of etiquette; from knowing what to do and when to do it. What is more pitiful than to see the awkwardness and embarrassment of a young man who does not know what to do with his hat or his hands, whose eyes wander anxiously, and who is in mortal terror lest he should do something to betray his awkwardness? What, unless it is a young lady in the same predica- 16 INTRODUCTORY REMARKS. ment! And yet this same awkward fellow may soon learn the social laws and become easy and self-possessed. In this work no special claim of originality is made; in fact too much originality would render the work value- less, for what people want to know is not what are the theories or hobbies of the writer, but what are those well established and generally accepted laws of etiquette which they are expected to know, and the ignorance of which will make them appear awkward and boorish in the sight of others. These rules we have endeavored to give, and we have also tried to make the work as com- plete as possible and to give the latest attainable infor- mation on the subject. It should be constantly borne in mind, that even those which appear to be trivial rules of etiquette have usually some basis in common sense, and it is very evident that the great body of these laws are calculated to enable the wheels of the great social machine to run smoothly and without jarring. A clearer understanding of social customs may often be derived from a knowledge of their origin, and for this reason we have frequently explained the causes or conditions which gave them birth. For example, in the old days of chivalry, when the Knights wore coats of mail and their hands were cased in hard gloves, it would often cause a lady great pain to have her soft hand grasped with such an " iron grip." Custom, therefore, very sensibly, required the Knight to remove his glove before venturing to shake a lady's hand; and so, also, arose the custom of saying, "Excuse my glove," when it could not conveniently be taken off. The same reason does not exist for removing the soft glove worn at the present day, and so it is no longer the rule to either remove the glove or say, " Excuse my glove." That cus- tom has become obsolete. Again, before the days of sidewalks, and in the narrow streets which were the IXTEODUCTOEY REMARKS. 17 rule in many of the old^r cities, it was necessary for a gentleman when escorting a lady to ''give her the wall" as we say. By taking the outside he could shield her from passing animals or vehicles, or defend her if need be. and so it became the rule to give the lady the "inside" of the walk. Now, however, times have changed, sidewalks are universal, and the gentleman is not called on to protect the lady as formerly, and so the custom of giving the lady the inside is becoming obso- lete — passing away with the cause that gave it birth. We give these merely as examples to illustrate our meaning. One who understands the origin of a custom will readily see the propriety of discarding it when it is no longer needed. But although we have tried to make the work com- plete, it is utterly impossible for any book to touch on all the thousand and one little points that may from time to time arise, for. after all, something — much in fact — must be left to the tact and common sense of the individual. We cannot make automata of our readers and wind them up so that they will go right under all circumstances without the use of their own judgments. The thoughtless and forgetful people who are continu- ally making blunders — talking of the dead to their friends as though they were living, introducing delicate and unfortunate topics of conversation, forgetting names and faces and, in general, blundering around and hitting people's delicate spots — can never succeed in society. If this work shall help any of its readers to avoid those social mistakes which are so mortifying to proud and sensitive natures, and to attain that politeness of manner which will contribute so much to their own happiness and that of others, the author will feel amply repaid for the labor involved in its compilation. REGARD FOR OTHERS. HILE, as we have said before, the laws of etiquette are constantly changing and the manners of each succeeding genera- tion become more refined, the principles which underlie all these social laws do not change. The basis of all good man- ners lies in a regard for the feelings of others. Indeed, probably no better sum- ming up of the rules of etiquette could be found, than that contained in the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would that they should do to you. " St. Paul's idea of becoming "all things to all men " was essentially that of the modern gentleman. True politeness may at times even require one to violate the strict laws of etiquette. Thus it is related of Queen Victoria that she was at one time entertaining at dinner an old soldier whose bravery in the Crimean war had endeared him to all loyal English hearts. Lacking the polish of refined society, he ate with his knife. Noticing a smile on the face of one of the party, Queen Victoria deliberately ate with her knife also, thus effect- ually rebuking the ill-bred smile and saving the feelings of her soldier guest. That kind of intuitive faculty which some men, but more women, possess of avoiding the unpleasant and drawing out the pleasant traits of character, that knack for making every one feel at home in their presence, is EEGAED FOR OTHERS. 19 a striking characteristic of true politeness. Euskin says, " A gentleman's first characteristic is that fineness of structure in the body which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation, and of that structure of the mind which renders it capable of the most delicate sym- pathies, or, as one may simply say, fineness of nature. " And again he says, " One of the probable signs of high breeding in men generally will be their kindness and mercifulness — these always indicate more or less firm- ness of make in the mind." Indifference to the feelings and pleasures of others always indicates a coarse and brutal nature — a surviyal, doubtless, of that callousness of nerve which enabled our savage ancestors to take delight in seeing a fellow-being suffer. The change in nervous sensibility is very apparent from the time when whole communities delighted in gladiatorial contests where men were "butchered to make a Eoman holiday, " and our modern horror of giving pain to even the dumb animals so that societies are organized for the suppression of cruelty to them. Now these sympathetic feelings find expression in various ways that come under the head of etiquette. There is a large class of what have been happily termed ''optional civilities." Such little attentions as lifting the hat by the gentlemen in an elevator when a lady enters it, or for a cultivated and popular lady to turn aside in society to notice an awkward and embarassed young man, and say a few pleasant words that he may long remember, or to send a basket of flowers to a friend on her birthday, or after a wedding, or on opening a new residence. — all such little things add wonderfully to the pleasures of life and relieve its monotony. They certainly exert an elevating and refining influence on character. They impress people like the perfume of flowers, or sweet strains of music. Xor are these 20 EEGARD FOR OTHERS. things without their pecuniary importance, for Emerson very truthfully says : " Give a boy address and accom- plishments and you give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he goes, " and many of our leading business men owe no small portion of their success to their politeness and address. INTRODUCTIONS. S an introduction is a social indorsement, discrimination should be used in intro- ducing people, especially those of whose character one is ignorant. It is perfectly proper to say to a young gentleman solicit- ing an introduction to a young lady, "I fear I hardly know you well enough to introduce you. I beg you to wait until her parents can present you. " On the other hand too much formality is not desirable. Strict eti- quette is opposed to indiscriminate introductions, and most society people are very careful to ascertain whether an introduction is mutually desired before venturing tu hazard the ceremony. INTEODUCTIONS SHOULD BE DESIEED BEFORE GIVEN. It may be set down as an established rule that no gentleman should be presented to a lady until she has been consulted and given an opportunity to refuse, and two ladies are not introduced until the wishes of both are ascertained, and it is mutually desired. In smaller towns, and among people of the same set, " many hold that an introduction hurts no one, and as it is easy to repel an undesirable acquaintance, even after an introduction, the rigid rules of*' etiquette are ignored. INTRODUCTIONS. 23 GREETING ON BEING INTRODUCED. The latest fashion considers it more elegant for a lady, especially a young lady, to bow merely on a first introdnction, but Avhere she wishes to show cordiality it is proper to extend the hand. Gentlemen usually shake hands on being introduced, but the older gentleman makes the first advance. A gentleman waits until a lady offers her hand before extending his. However, when the hand is offered by either party it should be cordially taken. Always res- pond to a greeting in the same spirit in which it is tendered. In her own house a lady cordially greets any one brought to her by a mutual friend, usually extending her hand. BOWING AFTER AN INTRODUCTION. After being introduced to a lady, a gentleman must always wait for her to bow first. This is the American rule, and the one generally recognized. INTRODUCTIONS WHEN CALLING. In fashionable society the rule is established that, in her own house, a Is^dy cannot introduce two ladies resid- ing in the same town. No doubt the reason for this is that the hostess must not hazard the offense of intro- ducing one whose acquaintance is not desired. The sen- sible English rule, however, that " the roof is an intro- duction" is gaining ground. Certainly nothing is more stupid than for two people to eye each other without speaking, like two awkward children, while at the house of a mutual acquaintance. It is better to drop the form- ality and chat pleasantly for the time being, and then let the acquaintance end with the occasion. 24 INTRODUCTIONS. FORM OF AN INTRODUCTION. In introductions the simplest form is the best. " Miss Bright allow me to present Mr. Sharp; Mr. Sharp Miss Bright, " is a proper form. In introducing gen- tlemen the names alone are often used, as, " Mr. Black, Mr. Brown; Mr. Brown, Mr. Black." When several persons are presented to an individual at one time, it is usual to mention the name but once, thus : " Mr. Bright allow me to present Mr. White, Mr. Brown, Mrs. Black, Miss Snow," and so on, bowing to each one as the name is pronounced. The greeting should be " I am happy to meet you, Mr. Bright," or ''I^am pleased to make your acquaintance " or any similar remark. The words " allow me to present" are preferred by many, but allow me to introduce" or "allow me to make you acquainted with " are in common use. The exact words are not important. After an introduction the party introduced should open the conversation with any light remark, showing a disposition to be agreeable. THE NAME IMPORTANT. In introducing people the names should be spoken very distinctly, and if either party does not catch the other's name, it is best to say so at once, as, "I beg par- don, but I did not understand the name. " It is much better to do this, than to blunder around without know- ing the names of those to whom you are talking. WHOM TO PRESENT. Gentlemen are presented to ladies, the younger individual to the older, and the inferior to the superior. American ideas of equality, however, often make the latter distinction anytliing but clear. IXTRODUCTIOXS. 25 INTRODUCING RELATIVES. A lady in introducing her husband, should always give his name, as "This is my husband Mr. Bright," and not simply " This is my husband. " If he has a title she should give that, as, ''This is my husband Judge Brown, " or " Governor Brown, " or whatever the title may be. A lady may always introduce her hus- band, son or daughter, without previously asking per- mission to do so. In introducing any relative, the full name should be given, as " This is my cousin Miss Carrie Smith, " and never merely " This is my cousin Carrie. " EXPLANATORY REXARKS. In introducing strangers some explanatory remarks may be made, such as, "This is Judge Brown of the Superior Court, " or " Miss Williams, this is Mr. Sharp, author of the ' Jingo Papers ' which amused you so much, " or " This is Mr. Black, who lives in Xew York. It is a great help over the awkwardness of starting a conversation with a stranger to have some such clew to his standing. INTRODUCING A GUEST. A guest must always be introduced to visitors who ^ call; but two visitors calling at the same time are not introduced. The reason is that the lady does not know whether the acquaintance is mutuallj' desired or not. Two callers thus meeting in a friend's parlor may chat as freely as though they had been introduced, but the acquaintance ends when they leave the house, unless its continuance is desired by both parties. 26 INTRODUCTIONS. INTRODUCING ENEMIES. Two bitter enemies who chance to be introduced, must treat each other pleasantly while in the presence, or at the house, of a mutual friend. It is an insult, however, to knowingly introduce people who are objec- tionable to each other. INTRODUCING YOURSELF. If you enter a drawing room and are not recognized, give your name at once in a quiet, easy manner, and inquire for the one whom you wish to see, or with whom you are acquainted, if she is absent from the room. Never, however, hand your own card to the hostess. It should be sent in by the servant if presented to her at all. INTRODUCTIONS AT DINNER PARTIES. At dinner parties gentlemen should be introduced on their arrival to the ladies they are to escort to the dinner table, if not already acquainted with them, but introductions never take place at the table. Guests chat freely without it. INTRODUCTION FOR SOLICITING FAVORS. If you seek an introduction for the purpose of ask- ing a favor it does not entitle you to further recognition. REPELLING THOSE LOWER IN THE SOCIAL SCALE. It is the snobbish person, who feels uncertain of her position, who fears to make the acquaintance of those she considers below her in the social scale. Those with an assured position know that a mere bowing acquaint- ance can do them no harm. INTEODUCTIONS. 27 ATTITUDE TOWARDS OTHER GUESTS AT AN ACQUAINT- ANCE'S HOUSE. When at the house of a friend, a lady should not repulse another lady who speaks to her, even though they have never been introduced. Her presence at that house is sufficient guarantee of her respectability, and her advances should be met pleasantly. INTRODUCTIONS UNNECESSARY WHEN TRAVELING. A gentleman when traveling may render any assist- ance in his power to a lady without waiting for the formality of an introduction. The lady should thank him politely if she declines his assistance, as a simple act of kindness demands such a recognition; but any at- tempt at undue familiarity may be promptly repulsed. A casual conversation between travelers gives neither party any claim to further acquaintance. SPECIAL INTRODUCTIONS FOR CONVENIENCE. Such introductions as those at a croquet or lawn- tennis party, or during a drive or walk at a watering- place, do not involve further or after recognition neces- sarily, but to bow on meeting again is more polite. A hostess' INTEREST IN GUESTS. A hostess is in a measure responsible for the pleasure of her guests and she should take pains to introduce shy and diffident people, especially those who are young. Their pleasure may depend on such attention. INTRODUCTION OF GUESTS. At a dinner party in a city, a distinguished stranger is introduced to all those present, but otherwise the hostess makes no introductions before dinner except to 28 INTKODUCTIONS. introduce the gentleman to the lady he is expected to escort to the table. As we have elsewhere stated the rule that "the roof is an introduction " which is gain- ing ground, enables the guests to chat pleasantly- together. In the country, however, a general intro- duction of all the guests frequently takes place. KEQUIREMENTS OF A BALL ROOM INTRODUCTION. When a gentleman is introduced to a lady at a ball, it is presumed he will show her some attention, and either dance or promenade with her, or, if they do not take the floor, talk to her through one dance. Such, in- troductions, however, necessitate no further acquaint- ance unless mutually desired. STREET INTRODUCTIONS. It is not necessary to introduce a friend who may be accompanying you to the acquaintances you may chance to meet on the street, in the cars, etc. Such indis- criminate introductions serve no good purpose and are uncalled for. When given they involve no further re- cognition. A gentleman lifts his hat and bows when introduced to a lady on the street. When accompany- ing a friend who enters into conversation with some acquaintance casually met, you should give a parting salutation on separating, the same as your friend. This is the rule even if you were not introduced. PRESENTING LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. The one bearing a letter of introduction never de- livers it in person in England, but sends it with his card. The reverse is the rule on the continent. In America we incline to the English rule and a letter of introduction may be sent by mail accompanied by a INTRODUCTIONS. 29 visiting card giving the bearer's address. . If carried in person, it should be sent in with a card by the servant and the bearer leaves to await a response. It would be considered indelicate for the bearer of a letter of intro- duction to enter and be present when the letter is read. A young man, however, bearing a letter of introduction to one many years his senior, or who is to aid him in some enterprise, takes it himself promptly. ON RECEIVING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION. The party receiving a letter of introduction should call at once on the one introduced; but if it is incon- venient to do so a card should be sent, and the bearer of the letter is then at liberty to call. It is a compliment to the sender of the letter to show such attention as may be in your power to the one introduced, but to ignore a letter of introduction is a gross insult. A BUSINESS LETTER OF INTRODUCTION. Letters of introduction to and from business men maybe delivered by the bearers in person, and etiquette does not require the receiver to bestow any attention socially upon the person introduced, but such attention would be a compliment to the friend who sent the letter. GIVING LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. Letters of introduction should be given with caution. Before giving one it would be well to pause and ask yourself two questions : First, have you a right to thus presume on the friendship of the party addressed, and, second, will the introduction be mutually pleasant. Any one with whom the wi'iter is but slightly acquainted should never be thus endorsed. No one should ask a friend or acquaintance for a letter of introduction if 30 INTRODUCTIONS. there is any fear of thereby causing any embarassment. It is better to politely decline to give a letter of intro- duction by saying, "I really am not well enough ac- quainted with Mr. Jones to give you a letter of intro- duction to him, " or some similar remark, than to hazard an imposition on a too slight acquaintance. Certainly if you suspect the character of the one soliciting the letter, you should decline to give it. A letter of introduction given for the purpose of enabling any ohe to ask a favor, should rarely be given — and never, unless the party to whom it is addressed is under obligation to you. A letter of introduction should be left unsealed, and as the bearer is at liberty to read it, complimentary phrases should be used sparingly. The form for such a letter will be found in the forms for letters given later on in this work. CLAIMS OF THOSE INTRODUCED. When a formal introduction has taken place the par- ties have a certain claim on each other as acquaintances. The bow of recognition should be exchanged on meet- ing, but the hand shaking is optional. If it is desired to ripen the acquaintance into friendship a certain amount of cordiality should be shown, but even if one of the parties wishes to prevent the acquaintance from going further, a bow should not be refused. A direct cut is rarely advisable unless there is some strong reason for it. There are other ways of checking an undesirable acquaintance, less rude and quite as effective. SALUTATIONS. T would be an interesting study to trace the or- igin and development of our various forms of salutation, and also those which are ob- served by the other nations of the earth. Many of the forms of salutation seem to have had their origin in acts of worship, and each nation has its own peculiar forms, some of which are quite curious. Among the Laplanders, friends salute by rubbing their noses together, and the same custom prevails in some of the South Sea Islands. In some African tribes friends greet each other by rubbing their toes together, and in some other tribes they scratch each other's heads. The Chinese bow low and hospitably ask "Have you eaten your rice?" The Turk, with folded arms, bends very low, and the Hindoos nearly touch the ground with their faces. The Bedouin bestows his benediction with "God grant you a happy morning," and the Spaniard says "God be with you, sir " The Neapolitan piously says "Grow in holiness," and the Hungarian "God keep you well," while the Egyptians, says Heroditus in his day, would drop their hands on their knees and ask " Do you sweat copi- . ously?" The German greets you with a "How do you find yourself?" and the Frenchman asks "How do you carry yourself? " In England and America the usual forms of saluta- tion are the bow, shaking the hand, the kiss and the ver- bal salutation. SALUTATIONS. 33 THE BOW. This is the most common salutation between acquaint- ances, and the recognition should be prompt the instant the eyes meet, and even those whom you do not like should be recognized, as a direct "cut" is rarely advisable. Those but slightly acquainted bow formally, but friends accompany the bow with a smile of recognition. An American gentleman bows to a lady and lifts his hat from his head, but a foreigner bows respectfully and raises the hat slightly. A gentleman when bowing should lift his hat slightly fi'om his head. To merely touch the rim of his hat, or make a gesture toward it, is not the correct form. But while the hat should be lifted slightly it should not be carried away from the head with an ostentatious flourish. A slight inclination of the head at the time the hat is lifted should occur, but the body need not be bent. Ladies give a glance of recognition and bow the head merely. The degree of friendship may be easily indi- cated by the manner of the greeting — friends receiving a cordial smile, and acquaintances only a formal bow. A bow does not necessarily imply a calling acquaint- ance, nor any additional intercourse. To omit or ignore it, however, would subject one to the suspicion of being ill-bred or wanting in gentlemanly instincts. A lady's bow should be returned under all circum- stances. If the acquaintance is not desired, it is better to turn the head, or avoid meeting her, than to give her a direct cut. If a person you do not recognize bows, return it at once, as it may be some one you have forgotten, or you may have been mistaken for some one you resemble, and you can lose nothing by returning the bow. If a friend is met several times while riding, driving, 34 SALUTATIONS. or walking, a bow is only required at the first meeting; after that, a look or smile is all the recognition needed. A gentleman lifts his hat when passing a funeral cortege or a group of mourners. It is a mark of politeness for a gentleman to lift his hat when tendering his services to a lady, though a stranger to him, and also when a lady asks him for infor- mation or assistance. When smoking, a gentleman removes the cigar from his mouth before bowing to a lady, and if his hand is in his pocket he takes it out. Gentlemen, however, should not carry their hands in their pockets — it is not good form. When walking with a lady a gentleman returns all bows made to her, whether he is acquainted with the parties who bow or not, A gentleman walking with a friend bows when he does, even though unacquainted with the lady saluted. A gentleman meeting a lady in a doorway or corridor, bows and lifts his hat as he offers her precedence, or opens the door for her. In America and England the rule has been that a gentleman should wait for a lady to bow first, but on the continent the opposite rule prevails and gentlemen offer the first salute. Some authorities are trying to introduce the same custom here, and it would seem better that either party should bow at once on recognizing an ac- quaintance, but the American rule for the gentlemen to wait for the lady to bow first, is still generally ob- served. A gentleman driving, whose hands are occupied with the reins, need not try to raise or touch his hat ; a bow of the head is then sufiicient salute to a lady. If on horseback, the reins may be held in the left hand, and the hat lifted with the right. SALUTATIONS. 85 The bow of a servant, or one considered lower in the social scale, should be returned politely. It is related that AVashington, on returning an old negro's greeting with one of his politest bows, said he did not wish a negro to out-do him in politeness. In sparsely settled localities the habit of bowing to every one met, is a very pleasant one. SHAKING HANDS. Shaking hands is the English and American greeting expressing cordiality. For this reason formal acquaint- ances merely bow, while friends shake hands. If the hand is offered at all by either a gentleman or lad}^ it should be given cordially. To extend only the tips of the fingers, or to present the hand in a lifeless manner, is almost an insult. It indicates indifference. To squeeze the hand hard, or retain it long, is rude. The proper way is to give a cordial shake and then relinquish the grasp. The right hand is always used in shaking hands. When necessary to offer the left, it is extended with an apology. Young ladies extend the hand with more reserve than married ladies, and as a rule only extend their hands to those admitted to the inner circle of friend- ship. Do not shake hands at a ball-room introduction, as that is given only to provide a partner for the dance, and not to establish friendship. On receiving a formal in- troduction bow merely without shaking hands. A lady rises to extend her hand, and a gentleman always rises on being introduced, of course. A married lady, at her own house, extends her hand to all guests. On being introduced to a gentleman the hand is offered if he is presented by a warm friend, or if he comes especially recommended. 86 SALUTATIONS. Gentlemen wait for ladies to extend the hand first, and the younger wait for the older persons to make the first advance. Kid gloves are not removed in shaking hands, nor is any apology necessary in retaining them ; only coarse or heavy gloves need to be removed. The custom of re- moving the glove arose in the days of chivalry when the knight removed his heavy gauntlet before grasping a lady's hand, as a failure to remove the gauntlet might hurt her hand. The custom of removing the glove is now obsolete, and so is the apology " Excuse my glove." KISSING. Many curious speculations have been advanced by scientists as to the origin of kissing. It seems probable that it originated among the lower animals in the pleasure derived from the touch or contact of two kindred natures, and it has developed with the progress of the race. But whatever its origin, the kiss is emphatically the language of affection, and as all public displays of affec- tion are regarded as ridiculous, people of refinement shrink from them. This is the rule, at least, among the demure Anglo-Saxons, but with the French and Ger- mans more latitude is allowed, and men kiss one another in both public and private. In England the custom appears to have been more in vogue a few centuries ago than at present, for a Greek writer who visited that Island some four or five centuries ago, wrote: "As for English females and children their customs are liberal in the extreme. When a visitor calls at a friend's house his first act is to kiss his friend's wife." And Erasmus, who was so prominent in the Reformation, wrote: "The English have a custom which can never be sufficiently SALUTATIONS 37 commended. On your arrival you are welcomed "^ith kisses; on your departure you are sent off with kisses; if you retuim, the embraces are repeated ; wherever you meet you are gi'eeted with a kiss; which ever way youtuim there is nothing but kissing." The fashion of kissing is now out of date among men hov/ever, and among women the custom of kissing in public is becoming less and less general. Among relatives and near fi^iends on special occasions, such as returning home from a jouimey, such gi'eetings are allowed, but with certain rare exceptions it is generally felt that kissing in public displays both a want of delicacy and a want of sense. So great is the change in public sentiment on this subject that it is now held by many that the prudent and modest maiden should not even allow her lover, ( even after their engagement), to kiss her. Not until after marriage should such a favor be granted. Engagements are often broken off and no privileges should be gTanted which, in case of such an occurrence, could cause the lady any regrets. It is now believed that some contagious diseases, like diptheria. are often conveyed by a kiss, and for this reason the promiscuous kissing among childi'en and women is to be deplored. Childi'en are not only encoui'- aged to kiss indiscriminately, but they are often obliged to do so against their own will. It is altogether prob- able that this promiscuous kissing will become much less common in the future. VZEBAL SALUTATIONS. The words of salutation in most common use are, " Good morning,"' *' Good evening," '"'How do you do?" and How are you? " In greeting others a much better impression is produced by showing them a certain 38 SALUTATIONS. amount of respect than by undue familiarity. The free use of nick-names and boisterous greetings are liot re- fined, and should, therefore, be avoided. A respectful treatment of others is always an evidence of good breeding. INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS. N modern society invitations, acceptances and regrets haTe come to be an important part of etiquette. The forms observed are fixed and uniform and all should be famil- iar with them. If they are strictly observed many misunderstandings and much mortifi- cation may be prevented, for to receive a vague and indefinite invitation often leaves a lady uncertain about how to dress and how formal the occasion will be. These uncertainties are very perplexing and often annoying. INVITATIONS. For small and informal dinners or other gatherings, invitations are often written in the first person. The degree of intimacy existing between the host and guest will regulate the form, as is the case in the writing of all notes and letters, but the prescribed forms given hereafter for ceremonious occasions need not be used in such cases. The length of time in advance at which such invitations are sent out may vary from ten to two or three days, according to circumstances. It is best, however, to send out invitajtions a sufficient time in ad- vance, instead of waiting until the eleventh hour; and, 40 INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND KEGEETS. again, it is not best to undervalue your entertainment, and in false humility assume less formality than the occasion warrants. When they are engraved, any good engraving firm can give the information desired about the size of cards and so on, but the plainer and simpler the style the more elegant. Many ladies, however, prefer to write their own invitations, and it is always in good taste to do so. The following is the formula universally used : For other entertainments the words " at dinner" may be omitted, and the words "Music," "Dancing," Readings and Becitations," " Garden Party," or what- ever the entertainment is, written or engraved in the lower left hand corner. The initials R. S. V. P. are an abbreviation of the Prench words Repondez sHl vous plait, meaning "Reply if you please." Many people, however, write instead the English words, " The favor of an answer is re- quested." Either form is proper, but the latter is usual IXTITATIOXS, ACCEPTAXCES AXD EEGEETS 41 :n England. For various other abbreviations used in notes, etc., see our chapter on letter writing further on in this book. The expression " presents compliments " which was once used is now obsolete. An invitation should always indicate in some way the character o£ the entertainment, so that the guests may know how to dress, and whether they care to attend at all or not. Be careful to write the names and dates very plainly, and be as explicit as is consistent with politeness. A sheet of fine white, rather heavy paper, unruled, and folded once, should be used both in writing and in answering invitations. Euled paper is thought to look cheap, and is not good form. The envelopes should be plain white, and should match the paper in size. If the invitation is sent by mail two envelopes should be used. The one inside bears the name only, and the one outside has the full adcbess — sti'eet and number. Then when the outer envelope is removed it leaves the inner one clean and fresh. The paper may have a coat of arms or monogram embossed in white, but colored designs are now out of date. Fancy designs on the paper are in bad taste, and nothing is better than plain white. Fancy colored papers are not now used. If cards are used instead of paper they should be heawv' and plain white. Never confuse the first and third person in sending out invitations. For an informal dinner, notes are now often sent in the first person, but for all formal occa- sions the third person is used, and it must be used uniformly all through the invitation. Also be careful of the spacing, etc., thus: — the "Mr. and Mrs. Brown" must all be on one line, and never separated even in written notes. The term '"Honorable" should never be used in an 42 INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND EEGRETS. invitation — it can only be used in the address on the envelope. The rule that not more than three persons from the same family should be invited to the same entertain- ment is quite well established — some would even limit it to two, but three is the usual rule. Many society ladies given to entertaining have en- graved forms on hand, with the names and date blank, to be filled in when wanted. They are found very con- venient and save much time to the sender of the invi- tations. The following is the form: ^l-l €i€^7'Z^€4' <^ i:^/ S An invitation to a dinner or wedding is always issued in the name of both host and hostess. If the host is a widower his name appears alone on an invitation to din- ner, unless he has a daughter old enough to preside over his household, in which case her name may appear in connection with his own. In England an invitation to dinner is the only one in which the names of host and hostess both appear, while in America they are both ap- pended to a wedding invitation also. INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS. 43 At a garden party, a ball, an evening party, and all entertainments except a dinner or wedding, the invi- tation is given in the name of the hostess alone, thus : No lady ever invites guests to a "ball " or "a party" at her own house. These words are in bad form for such occasions, but for a charity ball, or other public affair, the word "ball" is used. A lady simply says on her invi- tation "dancing," "cotillon," or whatever it may be. For balls, evening parties, and all formal occasions, the invitations are usually sent out about two weeks in advance. For less formal occasions, shorter notice may be given. People sometimes judge of the formality of the affair by the length of time in advance at which the invitation is issued. The rule has been that invitations to dinner, must invariably be sent by messenger. All other invitations may now be sent by mail. In England, even dinner invitations are sent by mail, and the custom is so sensi- 44 INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS. ble that it would be well to adopt it in this country. The mail is being used more and more every year for sending invitations, and custom may soon sanction the sending of dinner invitations in this way as well as others. The following simple form of invitation is very often used at present : 1 Quadrilles at 9 o''clock. One authority says: "Sometimes E. S. V. P. is ap- pended to an 'At Home' card; but this is an incorrect form of invitation, though used occasionally to save time and trouble," while another very high authority says: " On all 'At Home ' cards, the letters E. S. V. P. are en- graved, and to these answers should be sent as soon as possible." Now here is another of those differences of authority which we have discussed at length elsewhere, as unsettled points of etiquette. In this case, if it is "incorrect" to use the letters E. S. V. P. on "At Home" cards, custom sanctions it and it is very convenient, so that our readers may safely use the form. If it is a small informal affair, the word "Informal" may be written in the lower left-hand corner. See also what we say about the use of the word informal in our INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND EEGEETS. 45 chapter on "Parties, Receptions and other Gatherings," further on in this work. Invitations to balls, evening parties, afternoon con- certs, garden parties, etc., are now being more and more issued on the "at home" cards. The name of the one invited may be written in the upper right hand corner of the card, above that of the hostess, thus: c Music at 4 d'cloclc. Or, in place of the music, "garden party," "dancing," or whatever the entertainment is, may be substituted. It is never proper to send out invitations in the name of the daughter alone, but for an entertainment for the daughter, the name of mother and daughter may appear together, as "Mrs. and Miss Holt, at home, etc." If the mother is dead, the father's name may appear, as "Mr. and Miss Holt, at home, etc." The name of her cha- perone may appear on the invitation with that of a young lady, as " Mrs. De Vincey and Miss Hunt, at home," etc. 46 INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND KEGRETS. The next form which we give below is now in very common use, but there is really no better form than the first one we gave in this chapter, (which see) and to meet an honored guest it would read, "Mrs. Brownell requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Sloan's company, on Friday, February 4th, at 4 o'clock, to meet the Speaker of the House and Mrs. Carlisle," or '^President Cleveland," or " Judge Mason," or *' Miss Packard," or whoever it may be. This form has been long in use and many people prefer it to any other. We favor it on the whole, but of course its use is largely a matter of taste. The invitations to meet distinguished or honored guests, to which we have just referred, are issued on the "at home" cards, and the following is the form: These cards may be enclosed in an envelope and sent by mail. Always write the name of the distinguished guest above that of the hostess. It is sometimes written below the date but the above form seems much the best. INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCZS AND REGBETS. 47 A lady may use her own visiting card for a "kettle- drum" or a "five o'clock tea," thus : Gentlemen never use the "at home" form we have pre- viously given; that is proper for ladies only. Club members, bachelors, army and navy officers, and so on, in issuing invitations always " request the honor of Mr. and Mrs. Strong's company," or "the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Strong's company," using the form we give on page 40. For a gentleman to send out an "at home" card would be considered very stupid. The forms of invitation have been long in use and are firmly established^ so that no deviation should be made. Do not "hope to see Mr. and Mrs. Hickson" or anything of that kind, but stick to the formula " requests the pleasure of Mr. company." A de\'iation will be considered a sign of ignorance of the proper form. Invitations should be issued to all the guests in uni- form manner. Do not have some written and others verbal. Verbal invitations are only given for small and informal gatherings. A lady may properly request an invitation to a ball for a distinguished stranger, or a visitor, or for an unex- Five o'' clock Tea, Tuesday, November 8th, 48 INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND EEGEETS. ceptionable young man who is a good dancer, but she should not presume too far on the hospitality of the hostess, nor feel offended if refused, as the hostess may have more demands than she can meet. Invitations for a married couple should rarely be solicited — and never if they reside in the same town. Invitations must always include both husband and wife, if an invitation is sent to either, except to those gatherings which are confined to either gentlemen or ladies. Thus a wife might be invited to the house of a lady friend to meet a few ladies only, but if any gentle- men at all are invited, the husband must always be in- cluded in the invitation. If he never goes into society he may decline, but he must be favored with an invi- tation just the same. Invitations should be sent to those in mourning the same as to other people, except during the first month of their bereavement when their grief is not intruded upon. The invitation will be declined of course, but it shows that they are not forgotten. Do not blunder, however, and send an invitation to the dead. Such mistakes are occasionally made, but they are always awkward. If any one who is uninvited, by any mistake attends an entertainment, the host and hostess should receive him with the utmost courtesy, and not by word or act suggest that his presence is an intrusion. No one with any breeding, however, would knowingly attend an en- tertainment without an invitation, and although the hostess might be very polite at the time, it would be very apt to be heard of afterwards, unless it was an unintentional mistake, in which case it would be over- looked of course. When there is a family of several members, the question often arises about how many invitations to send. The best rule would seem to be to let one invi- INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND REGEETS. 49 tation include both husband and wife, (address "Mr. and Mrs. Cole " ) which is always ruleable; send another to the daughters addressed to the " Misses Cole," which includes two , or more, and another may be sent to the brothers, if there are several, addressed to the " Messrs. Cole." An invitation may be sent to " Miss Cole and Brother," if there is only one son and one daughter, but to invite the "Misses Cole and Brothers" is not con- sidered in the best form. If there is only one child, one invitation may be sent to the husband and wife, and another to the child. It is not deemed correct to send only one invitation to include a whole family, as for example, "Mr. Cole and Family," nor is it best to send a separate invitation to each member of a large family. There is some variety of usage on these minor points, but we have indicated the most approved custom. When inviting friends to come for a visit, the old general and vague invitations are not used in society at present, but instead an invitation is given to come at a certain time and the length of the visit is stated. " I shall be glad to have you come on Tuesday, August 5. and stay a week," would be good form. General invitations may, however, be used in the country, or where they do not cause inconvenience. ACCEPTANCES AND EEGEETS. Remember that an invitation to dinner is the most marked social compliment, so do not stint your politeness in replying. To answer on a visiting card is rude in the extreme. Nothing short of a note in the regular form will suitably answer such an invitation. Do not simply "decline," nor merely send " regrets " in response to an invitation, but give your reasons for not accepting. To send " regrets " merely, is very abrupt and rude. Do not abbreviate in writing either acceptances or regrets, but 50 INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS. follow the style and form of the invitation in answering. To say "an invite" for ''an invitation" w^ould be a horrible blunder, and the words "avail " or "preclude " are never in good form, as to say that anything will " pre- clude your accepting," etc. Adhere closely to the forms given. An invitation to dinner should be answered promptly, (this is very important) and either accepted or declined positively. Answer the exact form of the invitation as follows : The words " accept with pleasure the kind invitation " are often used, although " polite invitation " is now pre- ferred by many. Either is proper. One writer states that "kind" is "English you know," while "polite" is not. Possibly. But " polite " has the sanction of the best American usage. So also the form " Mr. and Mrs. Jones have great pleasure in accepting, etc.," is often used. To write " will accept," however, is not correct, as you either accept or decline at the time the answer is written, so that the present and not the future tense should be used. Also accept the invitation "/or dinner," and not " io dinner," or " /o dine." INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND REGBETS. Or if you decline use the following form : 51 (Or state whatever the cause may be.) C?^^d. ^^^ci^U d Never answer that you " hope to attend; " or that you will attend "if you can;" or anything of that kind. Let your " yea be yea, and your nay, nay." If you feel uncer- tain about being able to attend, the best way is to de- cline, as it may spoil the whole affair, if the hostess does not know who can be certainly depended upon. In your acceptance of a dinner invitation, repeat the hour named, so that if a mistake has been made, it may be corrected. In accepting or declining other invitations than one to dinner, of course a similar form to those given above would be used. Thus it might read: "Mrs. Johnson regrets extremely that a previous engagement prevents her accepting Mrs. Brackett's kind invitation for Friday evening next," or "prevents her accepting Mrs. Brackett's polite invitation for the garden party on Friday next," or "the musicale," or whatever it may be. The words "must deprive her of the pleasure of accepting," etc., are sometimes used and are good form. Sometimes the 52 INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND EEGBETS. form "regrets extremely her inability to accept Mrs. Brackett's polite invitation," is used, but it is much better to give the reason, as " absence from the city," or a "previous engagement, "^or whatever it may be. If you are in doubt about whether an answer is ex- pected to an invitation or not, it is a pretty safe rule to send one. There is little danger of giving offense by being too polite, but to omit an answer might cause trouble. The answer should always be addressed to the party sending the invitation, whoever that may be. If you receive an invitation from " Mrs. Williams," address your reply to "Mrs. Williams." If " Mr. and Mrs. Crosby re- quest the pleasure of your company," in replying accept or decline " the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Crosby," and so on. Do not allow your acquaintance with the family to lead you to violate this rule. Thus, if you re- ceive an invitation from " Mrs. Crosby," and you are only acquainted with the daughter, and think she prompted the invitation, do not address your reply to the daughter, but to " Mrs. Crosby." Any violation of this rule would be very rude. Replies are usually sent by messenger, but to send them by mail is often safer and better in every way. The safest rule is to send your reply in the same way the in- vitation was sent. If that was sent by messenger, send the reply by messenger — if by mail, reply by mail. A prompt answer should be made to all invitations except receptions, afternoon teas and " at homes," — and these require no reply. Negligence in replying is un- courteous. Having accepted an invitation, punctuality is as im- portant in keeping it as in keeping business engagements. To keep others waiting is very rude and inconsiderate. Nothing but sickness or death or some most imperative mVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS. 53 reason should be allowed to interfere with an invitation once accepted. After an invitation to an entertainment has been ac- cepted, if unexpected circumstances render it impossible to attend, the hostess should be notified at the earliest possible moment, so that she may know definitely who is coming. This may be very important to the success of her plans. If the delay occurs at the last moment, a card may be sent by a messenger, followed the next day by a note of explanation. She will then have more time to attend to it than during the excitement and pre- occupation of the entertainment. When people who are in mourning receive an invi- tation, they simply send regrets, but do not plead any previous engagement or make further explanations. They then send their visiting cards with black borders by mail enclosed in two envelopes, which sufficiently in- dicates why the invitation was not accepted, and these cards also serve instead of a personal call. The cards may be sent the day of the entertainment, and should be the same in number as in making a personal call. There are a few French phrases and abbreviations sometimes used in notes and invitations, and for an ex- planation of these see the article on letters and letter writing further on in this volume. When you receive the first invitation from any one, a courteous response should be made, cards left and the proferred civility properly recognized, even if the ac- quaintance is not desired. Having shown your own breeding by properly acknowledging the invitation the acquaintance may be dropped. CARDS. OTHING better shows the standing of ladies or gentlemen, or their familiarity with the usages of the best society, than their use of cards. The quality of the card, its size and style, the hour and manner in which it is left — all these convey a silent message to the experienced eye which indicates the character of the caller. In the present con- dition of society it is almost impossible to do without cards. Savages do not use them, nor do coarse and uncultivated people, but they mark a high order of development. Their use should be studied. There has been less change in cards within the last fifty or one hundred years than in almost any other of the usages of society. THE FOEXS AND STYLES OF CARDS. The card should be printed on the best of card-board, but it should be plain, unglazed, and without gilt edges — those styles being out of date. The plain script letter, without flourishes, is the most graceful and finished of cards, the old English, German text and other fancy letters being no longer used by the best society. The engraved cards are in every way preferable to the printed ones, although these are used by some for economy's sake. The best taste does not countenance the printing of a fac-simile of one's autograph. Written cards are not so elegant or refined as the plain engraved script. The size should be neither too large nor too small, but a gentleman's card is a little smaller than that of a lady. A visiting card should not bear a business address. 56 CARDS. To have a photograph or any figure or ornament on a card is coarse and vulgar. The old form of engraving the name of both husband and wife, as for example, ^' Mr. and Mrs. John Smead," on the same card, is now obsolete. The husband and wife each has a separate card. The names of mother and daughter are often engraved on the same card, as : or, if there is more than one daughter it may be " The Misses Hoyt." It is now claimed by some of the stricter people that during the first year of her entrance into society, a young lady should never leave her card with- out that of her mother or chaperon, but American etiquette is not as strict as the English on this point. The rule is absolute that young ladies use the prefix " Miss,'' as " Miss Lucy Hoyt," and never "Lucy Hoyt." A nickname should never be used on a card. Thus it would be very bad form to have a card " Miss Mamie Briggs." Either the initials or the full name may be used, but the full name is now the fashion, as " Miss Clara Louise Howard." The oldest unmarried daughter, when there are several, occasionally uses simply the form ''Miss Briggs," but if there are two or more branches of the family, this privilege belongs exclusively to the oldest daughter of the oldest branch. CAKDS. 57 A married woman should always use the prefix Mrs." and her husband's initials instead of her own, as " Mrs. J. W. Briggs." This is the American rule, but the European custom sanctions the use of the lady's own name more often than the American. The simple form ^' Mrs. Yolkmeyer " is sometimes used when an uncom- mon name is possessed, but if there are two or more branches to the family, this privilege belongs only to the wife of the oldest member of the oldest branch. After the death of the husband the widow often con- tinues to use his initials, but if there is a son or other person bearing the same name, which may cause confu- sion, it is often better to use her own name, as " Mrs. Lucy Bowen." Sentiment in part rules in her choice of her own or her husband's name after his death. The address, that is the street and number, but not the town, may be engraved on cards, and usually in the right hand lower corner. If a lady has a reception day, it is often engraved in the left hand corner. Young ladies often omit the address, and some authorities strongly advise this, claiming that in some cities the giv- ing of the address is reserved to the demi-monde, and young ladies should not render themselves liable to criticism. Married ladies can leave their husband's card, bearing the address, with their own, and then the address on their card is not needed. Customs vary in these respects in different cities. A young lady may write her address with a pencil on her card, if she wishes to give that to any one, and it is not engraved thereon. A gentleman may have his address engraved on his card, and he may or may not use the prefix " Mr." as he prefers. " Mr. Clay" and " Mr. AVebster " was the simple form used by those distinguished statesmen. The full name is advisable as a rule, however, as J ohn W. Holden," but at present the prefix " Mr." is considered a 58 CARDS. little better form by young men of fashion, as "Mr. John W. Holden." No titles are used in America save military, naval or judicial ones," says a high authority, but physicians are allowed to use the prefix "Dr." or the affix "M. D.," as " Dr. John Brown " or "John Brown, M. D.," the latter being preferable. A clergyman, a judge, or an army or navy officer, may use his title on his card, but militia or complimentary titles or coats-of-arms are not allowable on visiting cards. ^ A military card would be : When a young lady has a regular reception day, her card may be as follows: CARDS. ^ 59 A good form for a gentleman would be. And a married lady's card would be: A good professional card would be : Office ho urs 2 to 5 P.M. ^/ 60 CARDS. The varieties of business cards are almost endless, and, of course, we cannot attempt to give such forms in a work of this character. p. p. C. CARDS. When leaving town for a protracted absence P. P. 0. cards are sent out, but they are not sent now, as formerly, when leaving for a short absence only — as for a trip to the sea shore. The initials P. P. C, stand for the French words Pour prendre conge (meaning to take leave) and are always in the lower right hand corner of the card, and in capitals. It is an evidence of ignorance to use the small letters, p. p. c. The initials P. D. A., {Pour dire adieu ) mean the same, but they are not often used. These cards may be sent by mail, indeed cards are being sent more and more by mail every year. TURNING DOWN CARDS. It was formerly the custom to turn down a corner of the card to indicate that the call was made in person, but that fashion is almost obsolete now. Turning down a corner (usually the upper right hand one) indicates that the call was made on more than one person, and folding- it across the end (usually the right end) or middle in- dicates that a personal call was made. In calling on old-school ladies accustomed to this practice, it may still be observed, but it is very unusual at present. Another authority says, that leaving a card with a corner turned indicates that its owner left it in person, and turning the edges indicates that the call was intended for the young ladies, as well as the mistress of the house. As our readers will see, the observances are not uniform — and they are going out of date. Bending corners to in- dicate condolence, etc., has given place to pencilling a sentence on the card. CARDS. 61 WHEN TO LEAVE CARDS. It is now the custom when attending an " at home," and on various other occasions, for the visitors to leave a card before departing. As much uncertainty seems to exist in the minds of some persons regarding the proper occasions on which to leave such cards, the following rule may be given. No card should be left at a dinner-party, or ball, or on any occasion when an after-call is to be made; but at "at homes" and on other occasions when the after-call is omitted cards may be left. The cai»d in a certain sense takes the place of the after-call. HINTS ON THE USE OF CARDS. If a call happens to be made on a lady's regular reception day, it is rude to leave a card without entering and inquiring for the hostess. On other days a card may be left without making inquiries. In New York and other large cities, cards may now be sent in acknowledgment of all invitations except those to dinner. After a dinner, however, calls must always be made in person. When the mother is dead the father's name may appear on cards of invitation with that of the daughter. Also, in such cases, the daughter may leave her father's card with her own when calling. It is not necessary to leave more than two cards when a call is made — one for the lady of the house and the other for the rest of the family, or if there is a stranger in the house, a third may be left for her. A lady may, however, leave with her own, the cards of her hus- band and the other gentlemen of her family, which is now quite customary, and they are left on the hall table. A few authorities insist that a card should be left for each visitor, but the recent practice is that given above. In all countries a card sent by a messenger in an 62 CARDS. envelope is equivalent to a visit. In England cards sent by mail are equivalent to a visit, and if Americans would adopt the English custom and send cards by mail more, instead of by messenger, it would be better. After at- tending a dinner, however, to send a card is not enough — a personal call must be made. In making the first calls of the season (in the autumn) a card should be left at each call made. These cards can be referred to in making out lists of invita- tions afterwards, and they prevent the awkwardness of forgetting who has called. Frequently, especially in New York, cards are left upon the hall table when an ordinary call is made, and it serves as a convenient remin- der of the visit. When a gentleman calls and the ladies are at home, he does not send up a card but gives his name to the servant, if he is well known. Otherwise he sends up his card. When there is one member of the family in par- ticular on whom a gentleman wishes to call, he can say to the servant, " Take my card to Miss Williams," and he can add, "I should like to see all the ladies, if they are at home." Invitations to teas, readings, small parties and other informal entertainments may be written on the visiting card and sent by mail. The following is the form : Lawn Tennis, August 5th, at 3 P. M. CARDS. 63 Figures may be used for the date and hour. The letters R. S. V. P. should be added if an answer is desired. Strangers in a city send cards by mail to friends they wish to have call on them. When one married lady calls upon another, whether admitted or not, she leaves two of her husband's cards, one for the lady of the house and the other for her hus- band. Those who are in mourning have a black border on their cards. Cards should be left on people in mourning, but those not intimate friends, should only make inquiries at the door without seeking admittance. In calling at a private house, it is not etiquette to write on your card the name of the lady for whom it is intended, as the servant is expected to remember that. This should only be done at hotels where it may aid the servant's memory. A business card should never be used in making a call. When attending a reception, cards are left in the hall on entering, as they enable the lady to know who has called without over-burdening her memory, which in large receptions would be a difficult task. Where a chaperon, other than the mother, introduces a young lady into society their cards are left together, to notify those on whom they call that they will be insepar- able during the season. The use of a card case by a gentleman is considered foppish. He carries his cards loose in his pocket, or in the neat little leather pocket books for cards now com- ing into use. When a lady changes her residence she leaves cards, bearing her new address, on all her acquaintances. They may be sent by mail to those on whom she made the 64 CARDS. last call, and for those to whom she owes a visit, cards may be left without seeking to enter. Those not caring to continue the acquaintance are thus relieved of the necessity of making a personal call in return. About three weeks before marriage a young lady leaves her card, together with that of her mother or chaperon, in person, but without entering, but both the names should not be on the same card as previously, as she is about starting an independent home of her own. Some place for receiving cards, usually the hall table, should be arranged, and the servant should leave them there until the mistress has examined them. If any of those left are designed for a visitor, the number left will indicate it. When a lady calls on another with whom she is ac- quainted she gives her name to the servant but does not send up her card if the lady is at home. When the lady is in the drawing-room receiving, in very stylish homes, the servant announces the name of each visitor. Wedding cards are sent only to those whose acquaint- ance it is desired to retain, and those receiving the cards are expected to call first on the newly married people. When a bridegroom sends his bachelor cards to his acquaintances, those who receive them should accept them as an evidence that he wishes to continue their ac- quaintance, and they should call on the bride within ten days after she becomes settled in her new home. Business men, who have little time for calling, entrust their cards to the ladies of their families, who present them in due form, and thus maintain their position in society. They should never ignore the use of cards, how- ever. It is never allowable for a gentleman to leave a lady's card for her, except when they are presented for a bereaved friend. One lady may leave cards, after an entertainment, for CARDS. 65 all the members of her family who were invited, and thus save the time of the others. When a call is made on a regular reception day, no additional card is left for a guest who may be visiting the house. Strict courtesy requires that cards should not be left for a daughter without including the parents. When cards are taken by servants they receive them on a salver to avoid soiling them with their fingers. CARDS OF CONGRATULATION, CONDOLENCE, COMPLIMENT, AND CEREMONY. The use of cards of condolence, congratulation and ceremony is constantly increasing and we offer a few sug- gestions in regard to them. When cards are sent to an invalid, it is well for the servant to inquire after the person's health. English books of Etiquette insist that such cards should always be left in person and not sent by a servant. This cer- tainly manifests much more interest for the invalid's welfare, and should be done when possible. Cards left duriiig a friend's illness, or during a family's period of mourning, may have the words " To inquire " written above the name. Only one such card need be left— it will do for the family. This is the form : 66 CARDS. Mrs. Sherwood, in her excellent work on " Manners and Social Usages," tells of a distinguished lady of New York, who, on recovering from a severe illness, sent cards engraved as follows : " Mrs. presents her com- pliments and thanks for kind inquiries," to all those who had left cards and inquiries during her illness. She commends the idea as an excellent one and suggests its general adoption, in Avhich we cannot do better than to join. If it is not now " the style " there is nothing against it, and it may well become so. On recovering from an illness, or at the end of a period of mourning, a card should be sent to each one who has called to inquire during the period of seclusion. The words ''with thanks for kind inquiries," may be written or engraved on a visiting card, thus : These cards may be left in person or sent by mail. Cards of congratulation sent by mail seem cold and formal; they should be left in person when possible, and accompanied by a hearty expression of good will. Cards of ceremony are sent (addressed always to the one who invited you) within a week after an entertain- ment to which you were invited; and to those who send you an invitation to a wedding; and to a lady on her 'day," when she has one. Cards left at a tea or at a CARDS. 67 reception, are purely those of ceremony, superseding somewhat the ceremonious after-call formerly required. Parents now make a formal notice of a betrothal by leaving the cards of the engaged pair, with their own, on all the friends and connections of the two families. On receiving these cards a congratulatory visit should be made if possible. When young children receive an invitation in which the parents are not included, the parents may leave or send their own cards, together with those of their chil- dren, after the entertainment, to show their apprecia- tion of the attention. These may be called cards of ceremony. In sending gifts of fruits, flowers, books or other friendly offerings, a card should accompany them. To simply send a card in return is not, however, a sufficient acknowledgement on receiving an attention of this kind. A note should be sent expressing appreciation, or a gift returned. The following is a good form for a presentation card : CALLING CUSTOMS. N sparsely settled farming districts, people " visit " their friends, but the formal call is unknown. Those, however, who aspire to enter the best social circles in the cities and large towns, should learn the rules that govern calls and cards, for they underlie all social intercourse. Those reared and educated in the polished circles of a city^ imbibe these rules as part of their training, but there is a large class constantly moving up in the - social scale, and others moving into the cities from the country, and as they prosper in the world they are drawn into society and must learn its rules and observ- ances. These customs are the outgrowth of long ex- perience, and wonderfully facilitate the interchange of civilities, which constitutes society, and to the experi- enced eye the standing of the stranger is readily indi- cated by the knowledge or ignorance displayed in regard to these observances. FIKST CALLS. In nearly all cities and large towns it is the rule for the older residents to call first on new-comers. In Washington, however, this rule is reversed and the new- comers call first on the residents. The rule works fairly . well in Washington where it seems to be a necessity, but outside of that city it has never found favor in America, although it is quite general in European cities. Hospitable residents should call on a new-comer as CALLING CUSTOMS. 69 soon as she has become settled in the neighborhood, and leave their cards, together with those of the gentle- men of their families. Within a week the call should be returned, and al- ways in person, or a note of explanation sent and a call made later. To return a first call with a card only, is considered a slight or an intimation that the acquaint- ance is not to be cultivated. For strangers to make the first advances to old residents is considered ill-bred and an evidence of a forward or "pushing" spirit. A new ex- pedient is now sometimes adopted — that of sending out cards either accompanied or not with those of a mutual friend. If these cards are responded to (and they usually are j the way is opened for an entrance to society. A marked rejection of proffered civilities is very rude, unless there is some obvious or undoubted reason in the character of the party making the advance. It is better to acknowledge the courtesy and then drop the acquaintance than to hastily rebuff the first advance. A first call should be promptly returned, even if another is never made, "When old residents of the same city are introduced, the oldest resident, or the one most prominent in society, calls first, but too much formality about this is not re- quired. In England the lady in the highest rank calls first, but social distinctions in America are so vague that this rule would not work. On receiving a first invitation to any entertainment from anew acquaintance, an acceptance or regrets should be promptly sent, and, whether accepted or not, a call should be made within a week. Having thus acknowl- edged the coui'tesy, the acquaintance may be continued or not, as desired. When a first entertainment is acknowl- edged by a formal note of regret merely, it should not be repeated. It is evidently unwelcome. 70 CALLING CUSTOMS. At summer resorts owners of cottages call first on renters. Among renters those who arrive first, call first on those who come later in the season. When the oc- cupants of two cottages meet at a friend's, the elder may invite the younger to call, and a prompt response is a mark of respect. Both renters and owners of cottages call first on friends who arrive at the hotels. The exact etiquette of the party making the first call should be observed in returning visits. A card received by post, calls for a card by mail in return. A personal visit calls for a personal visit. If the cards of the gentle- men of the family are left, the cards of the gentlemen of your family must be left in return, and so on. A card must not be answered with a call, nor a call with a card. A bride when she becomes settled in her new home must wait for her friends to call on her first. After that she has no special rules of etiquette, but observes those of all other married ladies. NOT AT HOME. Much needless censure has been indulged in by purists on the formula of "not at home" used by society. Some formula must, however, be used, and to those versed in the ways of society, no falsehood is im- plied, for it simply means that the lady is not at home to company. Some prefer, however, to have the servant say they are " engaged " rather than " not at home." The servant should be instructed in the morning what to say to all comers. If the lady has a reception day, the ser- vant can say "Mrs. Crosby is not at home — she receives on Thursdays." Any attempt to question a servant, as to when the lady v/ill return or otherwise, is extremely ill-bred. A caller awkwardly admitted by a servant CALLING CUSTOMS. 71 when the mistress is not receiving, should be seen if possible, and the servant admonished for the next occa- sion. These rules are made mainly to protect those who are over-burdened with visitors, and give them time for any pursuit they may be interested in, but in smaller cities and towns, and with, those not thus over-burdened, it is better to receive all callers when possible. So, also, those who have no regular reception days, should aim to receive all visitors. An affectation of exclusiveness by ladies in small towns is very snobbish. No lady should keep a caller waiting unless it is im- possible to avoid it, and then word should be sent that she will be in soon. If a lady is at home to certain individuals, but to no others, the servant should be plainly instructed whom to admit, as that is the only way to prevent awkward mis- takes. CALLS OF CONGRATULATION, CONDOLENCE, ETC. Calls of congratulation may be made after an engage- ment is announced, or after a marriage, or after the birth of a child, or when any cause for congratulation arises. Calls of condolence should be made when death or mis- fortune of any kind overtakes an acquaintance — in short these calls are an effort to obey the scripture injunction to "weep with those that weep, and rejoice with those that rejoice." Do not call too soon after a birth. Wait until the happy mother is able to receive her friends, — it is usual to wait a month. After a death intimate friends call in about ten days — others after a month. "When a forma] announcement of an engagement is made, a call of congratulation should follow within a few days. After a marriage, calls of congratulation are made on the parents who sent the invitations to the wedding, as well as on the newly married couple. A call of congrat- 72 CALLING CUSTOMS. ulation or condolence may be made on a friend who is indebted to you for a call. Calls of ceremony are made after receiving an invi- tation to any entertainment, and those calls made to announce a wedding would be classed as calls of courtesy or compliment. In the preceding chapter on " Cards,'' we discuss the use of cards on these and similar oc- casions, and we would refer our readers to what we there say, under the head of " Cards of Congratulation, Con- dolence, Compliment and Ceremony." CONDUCT DURING CALLS. A lady always rises to receive her callers, and if pos- sible offers a chair near her own to the last-comer. If some degree of cordiality is felt she may extend her hand, but gentlemen should always wait for ladies to make the first advance of" this kind. If there are a number of callers, the lady addresses herself to the latest arrivals, being careful, however, to see that no one is left alone. Those near each other should engage in conversation and relieve the hostess of any embarassment about their entertainment. A gentleman rises when ladies enter, but he does not offer them his seat unless requested to do so, or unless there are no others available. A gentleman also rises when ladies rise to take their leave. Unless the hostess knows the introduction will be agreeable she does not introduce those who live in the same town. Strangers in the place are always intro- duced. Always advance and greet the hostess first, and then bow merely to the others present. A lady should have no hesitation in stating the fact if she cannot recall the name of a visitor. It will save embarrassment and possible blunders. CALLING CUSTOMS. 73 Gentlemen carry their hats and canes into the parlor and retain them in their hands, when making formal calls, but umbrellas and overshoes are left in the hall. If necessary to use their hands during the call, the hat and cane should be laid on the floor. Ladies receiving do not offer to take a gentleman's hat or cane. He does not remove his gloves. Ladies making formal calls retain their wraps and bonnets. A lady should lay aside her work, when a visitor calls, unless requested not to do so. Even then only light work, which will not interrupt the conversation, should be engaged in. While callers are present the mistress should not leave the room. If you see, on making a call, that you are not re- cognized, you should at once give your name, but should not hand your own card to the hostess, that is not rule- able with either ladies or gentlemen. When ushered into a room where there are several ladies, and all strangers, ask for the one on whom you called and introduce yourself. If you call when a lady is about going out, or other- wise engaged, make your call brief, and offer to call again soon, if she seems disappointed. It is not customary to offer refreshments to callers in cities, except on New Year's or some special occasion In the country they are fi'equently offered. Do not suggest that the room is chilly, or draw up to the fire, when making a call. If you are uncomfortable cut short your stay. Do not question children or servants about the family affairs — that would be very rude. During a call any light, pleasant topics of conversa- tion are in order. Arguments and grave discussions are 74 CALLING CUSTOMS. out of place. Congenial topics may be discussed, so that a mere acquaintance will develop into friendship. When calling on friends in reduced circumstances it is not in good taste to wear a very rich and expensive dress. When calling, do not rudely examine pictures or fur- niture ; nor remove or toy with any article in the room ; nor open or finger the piano. Do not divert your atten- tion from the company present. If a card basket is on the table, do not fumble over the cards. Dogs and children should be left at home when mak- ing calls. They are apt to annoy others or do some mischief. Do not place your chair so that your back is turned to any one, as that is rude. LEAVE TAKING. Seize on a favoring lull in the conversation to with- draw gracefully. On leaving, bow to the hostess, and if strangers are present a slight bow in passing is all that is needed ; or, after bowing to the hostess, let one additional bow in- clude all the others in the room. Do not apologetically say that you have made too long a call. Do not fidget nor look at your watch when calling. Do not essay to leave and then resume your seat, as double farewells are awkward. When you are ready to go, rise quietly and go without lingering or de- lay, but express your pleasure at finding your friends at home. Callers rising to leave should not be urged to stay. This refers to the formal call, not the informal visits of intimate friends. A hostess rises when a gentleman rises to leave, re- ceives his bow, and if disposed to be very polite, walks CALLING CUSTOMS. 75 with him to the parlor or drawing-room door, but no farther. The servant opens the hall door, and closes it after his exit. If the parlor is on the same floor, a lady caller may be seen to the street door ; if not, going to the head of the stairs is sufficient courtesy, except to elderly guests, who should receive special marks of respect. These are the rules for formal call in cities; but, of course, among intimate friends, and in small villages, and with that large class who have no servants, there is less formality, and the hostess escorts her callers to the outer door. A gentleman who has received a business call from a lady, should escort her to the outer door, and to her carriage, if she has one. On the arrival of another caller, a visitor should leave as soon as possible, unless specially invited to stay. On entering, " Good Morning " or " Good Evening" is the proper form of salutation; but on leaving " Good- bye " is the correct form to use. A gentleman rises when ladies rise to take their leave. Ladies bow but do not rise when others leave, except for ladies much older than themselves. LENGTH OF CALLS. From five to thirty minutes is the length of time for calls, from fifteen to twenty minutes being the proper length of formal ones. Unless calling on intimate friends, the stay should not be prolonged beyond half an hour. The visits of intimate friends are limited only by the inclination and good sense of the parties. THE HOURS FOR CALLING. The hours for calling vary in different cities. For the morning call — by which is usually meant any call made in the day time — the hour is from twelve M. to four p. M. in some cities, and from two to six in others, but in New York, and some other large cities, it is between 76 CALLING CUSTOMS. four and five. Between two and five is a safe rule in most small cities and towns. This will be after lunch and before dinner. The evening call should not be made later than nine, nor prolonged after ten o'clock. Eight o'clock, or a little before, is a good hour for mak- ing evening calls, in most cities and towns. PEESENTING A LETTER OF INTEODUCTION. In calling with a letter of introduction, leave the letter and your card, but do not go in, as the party to whom it is addressed should have time to read the letter before seeing you. The lady or gentleman receiving the letter should at once send an invitation and show some hospitality to the friend thus introduced. WHEN TO CALL IN PERSON AND WHEN TO SEND A CARD. As to when a call must be made in person, and when a card maybe sent instead, the rule is that invited guests must call in person after a dinner party and inquire for the hostess. For other entertainments a card only may be sent, when it is inconvenient to call personally. The rule is absolute that calls after a first invitation should be made within three days, and after other invitations within a week. At afternoon teas and other occasions when a card is left during the visit, the balance of authority now is that an after-call is not needed, although there has been some uncertainty on this point. At a tea or general reception a lady leaves her cards as she enters the hall, and an after call is not required. HINTS TO LADIES. As soon as an invalid is sufficiently recovered, she should return all calls made on her during her illness. A lady may very properly express her regrets the first time she meets a gentleman who has called without finding her at home. He should express regrets also, CALLING CUSTOMS. 77 and never say it made no difference, or any similar re- mark. A lady desiring a gentleman to call may say: '"I receive on Wednesdays,'' or " I shall be pleased to have you call," or something of that kind. Two or three persons may call together, but more than three from one family is not allowable. A call should be made upon a friend who has a visi- tor staying with her as soon as the fact is known. A lady who is visiting in a family is not required to send cards in return for those left on their reception day. A lady calling on an acquaintance, merely gives her name to the servant. In calling on a stranger, if the servant does not readily remember the name, a card is sent up. If on entering the parlor she finds her hostess there, but is unacquainted, she introduces herself by stating her name distinctly, but she must never hand her own card to the hostess. TThen making a call, a lady keeps her parasol in her hand. Her gloves are not removed. It is a pleasant custom to call and leave a card with the words " Kind Inquiries " penciled thereon, at the house of invalids and mourners. As there is no leisur-ed class in America, and most of the men are engaged in business, with little time for calling, they do not usually call with their wives, al- though they may do so if they choose. Daughters call with their mothers, but a daughter can call and leave her mother's cards, if the mother is an invalid. When a son is ready to enter society his mother leaves his cards with her husband's and her own, and it is then expected he will be included in invitations sent to the family. A lady who receives calls wliile her parlor is occu- 78 CALLING CUSTOMS. pied by a guest whose visitor has not asked for her, should take her caller into the same room, as she is ex- pected to share her calls with her guests, and guests should also share theirs with the hostess. A young lady visiting in a strange city should not re- ceive a visit from a gentleman without first asking her hostess if it will be agreeable. If a gentleman calls on her, the hostess and daughters should be introduced, if they are unacquainted with him. In calling on a sick friend, it is not enough to leave a card merely, but inquiries should be made as to her condition. Do not attempt to visit the sick room unless especially invited to do so. Ladies do not call on gentlemen except on business. Then a card should be sent in and the call made as ceremonious as possible. If a gentleman is a confirmed invalid, he may receive a call from a lady in his room, but not otherwise. A lady with a large circle of acquaintances should keep a memorandum book and record the date of calls received and made, future engagements, and so on. It saves much confusion. A lady who gives a reception, or a series of recep- tions, and invites all her "list" of acquaintances, thereby discharges her social obligations and is released from further necessity of calling during the year, except the calls always required after receiving an invitation to an entertainment, and calls of condolence or congratu- lation. On returning from a season at the seashore, or in the country, or a trip to Europe, a lady sends out cards to her acquaintances if she expects to enter society during the winter. A call made once, a year, or leaving a card, which is the same thing in the eyes of society, serves to keep up CALLING CUSTOMS. 79 the acquaintance, according to the strict rules of eti- quette. No one can tell what pressure of other duties makes it inconvenient for the individual to do more, and society should take the most charitable view of the case and good naturedly acquiesce in her absence. In our large cities many ladies set apart certain days for receiving. An effort should always be made to call on these days when possible; but if several ladies appoint the same day it may be impossible to reach them all, and then an apology will be accepted. Where local cus- tom favors calling on certain days of the week it should be observed as a matter of convenience. On going to a strange city, ladies should send cards with their address to friends as a notice of their arrival. These cards can be sent by mail. The friends should then call within a very few days. Among intimate friends it is not best to observe too much formality in making calls. Inclination rules here, and visits are made whenever so disposed. But even intimate friends should guard against carrying familiar- ity so far as to breed contempt — remembering the old adage. It is better to go to a hotel and notify your friends of your presence in town if you are detained in a city, than to drive directly to their residence as though you expected to use it for a hotel. If your presence is de- sired they can then invite you to visit them. HINTS TO GENTLEMEN. Cards should be sent at the beginning of the season to all those whom you desire to keep on your list of acquaintances. Otherwise no disappointment need be felt at not receiving invitations to entertainments, etc. Never take a friend with you to call on a lady with- • out first obtaining permission to do so. 80 CALLING CUSTOMS. In calling on a young lady do not fail to inquire for the mother, even if you do not wish to see her. It is a mark of respect that is always appreciated. A gentleman calling on a number of ladies sends in only one card. If on calling you find others present, do not outstay them, but leave even sooner than you would otherwise have done. Gentlemen calling with ladies always allow them to go first when entering or leaving a room. Calls of ceremony are not expected from married men, but instead the wife leaves her husband's card. If done with the full knowledge and consent of their husbands, gentlemen may call on married ladies at their own homes. The use of a card case by a gentleman is considered foppish. He carries his cards loose in his pocket or in the little leather pocket-books, now coming into quite general use by gentlemen. It is a great discourtesy not to call on a lady within three days after being first invited to do so, but no further calls need be made if the acquaintance is not desired. A gentleman does not call on a lady without an invi- tation, or a letter of introduction, or being taken by some lady friend who is intimate enough to warrant the liberty. If he desires the acquaintance of a lady he seeks an introduction through some mutual friend. The gentleman of the house should escort ladies to their carriages, if they call on the ladies of his family while he is present. A gentleman should not look at his watch while mak- ing a formal call without offering an explanation for so doing, such as the necessity for meeting another en- gagement, or something of the kind. CALLING CUSTOMS. 81 The hat and cane are retained in the hand while making formal calls. An invitation to spend the evening when making a first call should be declined. It is bad form to give such an invitation. One gentleman, receiving another, should meet him at the door, take his hat and cane, and place a chair for him, while a lady would simply rise and bow, allowing him to take his own seat. Things to Avoid. — While making calls, all such things should be avoided, as tilting back the chair ; crossing the legs; lounging or lolling in any attitude; rest- 5 lessly moving about; staring at either visitors or articles in the room ; loud or uproarious laughter ; shouting across the room (if you wish to speak to any one on the opposite side, cross the room and address him quietly); shifting the feet; twirling the thumbs; twisting the tassels of the chair; whispering to another; boasting of yourself and your achievements; ridiculing others, and so on. These things mark the ill-bred boor. Things to Do- — Study repose o£ manner, and court- eously endeavor to please those you meet, by adapting yourself to them and drawing them out. Unconscious- ness of yourself and regard for their interests and feelings, is the sure road to social success. Try and say bright and pleasant things, and leave before you have worn yourself out, so that you may be welcome again. NEW YEAR'S CALLS. ^ EOM the earliest times, and among most of the nations of the earth, the first day of the new year has been set apart for religious f estiyi- ^ ties and social observances. The Egyptians and Chinese, the Greeks and Eomans, and the Jews, Mohammedans and Christians, have all alike united in their special observance of Le jour cle Van, as the French call Xew Year's day. In America, the custom of mak- ing New Years calls seems to have originated with the old Knickerbocker families of New York, who brought the custom with them from Holland, where their ances- tors termed it "The great day of cake," and dispensed a liberal hospitality to all ^'isitors. In many of the larger cities the custom of making New Year's calls has of late years become less general than formerly, owing to a variety of causes, — such as the difficulty of making " the grand round " by those with large circles of acquaintances ; the abuse of the general hospitality of the day by many upstarts, who took advantage of the occasion to crowd themselves in at places where they had no right to call, and so on. In many localities, however, the day still is, and will long continue to be fittingly observed, and as fashion is pro- verbially fickle, calling may be restored to popular favor among our most fashionable people at any time, for * what can be more appropriate than to begin the New Year with a general manifestation of good will and re- gard for others? 84 NEW year's calls. The practice of publishing in the newspapers lists of the ladies who will receive calls on New Year's day, has been often criticised, but in some localities it has the sanction of the best society. It has many commendable features, and is best left to the good taste of those most interested. When a lady receives with a friend, instead of at her own home, cards are sent to her friends, to notify them of the fact, and give them her address. Cards may also be sent out when she has changed her residence or returned from a prolonged absence from home. The general sending out of cards has gone somewhat out of fashion of late. On this day, ladies should make their preparations early, and be dressed and ready to receive the first callers. Those who have sent out invitations may be dressed very elegantly, but the low-necked and short- sleeved dresses are not worn in the day time, nor on these occasions. Gloves, of some light shade, should be worn, but not white kids. The best refreshments are boned turkey, chicken, salads, oysters, sandwiches, jel- lied tongues, coffee, chocolate, tea and bouillon; and have cake and fruits as decorative additions. The tem- perance agitation has discouraged the general offering of wine, which formerly prevailed, and many fashiona- ble people, who use wine on other occasions, now banish it from their New Year's table. The reception room may be made very attractive by the display of flowering plants, ferns, flowers, and so on, but in some of the richest and most fashionable houses, at present, the only refreshments offered are a cup of coffee or bouillon, and sandwiches. A servant stands at the door and admits the callers without their knocking; he then receives their . cards on a silver salver. If a gentleman calls on some other lady who receives NEW year's calls. 8§ with her, he should be at once introduced to the hostess, but if many ladies are present, and the room is filled with guests, it is not necessary to introduce him to them all. When the room is comparatively empty, however, it is much pleasanter to introduce a caller to all present. After a few moments conversation, the caller is invited to partake of the refreshments (but he should never be urged to do so), and is conducted to the table, where a servant is in waiting to supply his wants. The rule is absolute, that a gentleman should not be invited to remove his overcoat, nor should he be urged to prolong his call. Those ladies who send out no invitations, but wel- come all those who call, may dress in visiting costume, with light colored gloves. Refreshments may be pre- pared, or not, as best suits their convenience. Two or more ladies often unite and receive together and find it very pleasant, and if they move in the same social circle it saves the gentlemen both time and travel, as they can then make several calls in one. Ladies who do not receive calls, tie a basket at the door to receive cards. Gentlemen are permitted to call late on New Year's day; but if a lady becomes fatigued, it is better to instruct the servant to admit no more callers, than to have one admitted and then send word she cannot be seen. In the villages and small toWns, where no special formalities are observed, but gentlemen call on their friends and tender their hearty good wishes for the opening year, the day is often enjoyed far more than in our busy centers of population, where more ceremony becomes necessary. The calling hours for gentlemen are fi'om eleven a. M. to ten p. M. They go singly, or in company with one NEW YEAB'S calls. or more friends, but it is not considered in the best form for more than two to go together. It is proper to travel, between the calls, either on foot, or in a carriage or sleigh. The proper dress for gentlemen is the usual morning costume, consisting of a black frock or cut-away coat, light or colored pantaloons, and gloves of some neutral tint. If the day is very cold or unpleasant, so that the gentleman wears a heavy ulster or overshoes, they may be removed in the hall ; otherwise the overcoat is not removed, and the hat and cane are retained in the hand. The gloves are not removed, and the hostess is greeted with a cordial shake of the hand, without any apology, such as " Excuse my glove," and the compli- ments of the season are exchanged. Only light and pleasant topics of conversation are introduced, and a gentleman with tact will be very apt to convey to the lady his pleasure at seeing her looking so well at the beginning of the New Year. The call is short, from five to fifteen minutes being the usual limit. On leaving, the simple formula of " Good morning," or " Good evening," is all that is used. The best authorities unite in saying that a gentle- man should either make personal calls or take no notice of the day. To merely send a card does not fulfill the design of a New Year's call. An introduction to a lady at a New Year's reception does noigive a gentleman the right to call on her without a special invitation. A lady who is introduced on New Year's day to a gentleman with whom she is pleased, may, with pro- priety, invite him to call on her. The ordinary, neatly engraved, visiting card is pre- ferable to any of the fancy, and often gaudy, cards so NEW year's calls. 87 frequently used. Much latitude is allowed in New Year's cards, but avoid extreme display, and remember that a quiet simplicity is always in the best taste. In France, gentlemen wear a full dress suit when making New Year's calls, but that is not the correct costume in America. VISITING. OCIETY pays more attention to the etiquette of visiting now than formerly. The old custom of inviting friends to " come when- ever they can, and stay as long as they like," causes so much inconvenience that it is not much practiced at present by the best soci- ety. Friends accepting such invitations often come at the most inopportune times, and sadly disarrange one's plans, and, to avoid this, the rule now is to invite them for a specified time, as, for example, " I shall be glad to have you come on Wednesday and stay a week with us." HINTS TO THE HOSTESS. If invited to come on a certain day, the guest may be met at the railway station by some member of the family ; if the guest is a stranger this rule is obligatory. On arriving at the house the guest should be pleasantly welcomed, and at once shown to her room. Previous to her arrival, every arrangement for her comfort should be made, such as providing plenty of fresh water, clean towels, and so on. Study the convenience of the guest and conform to her habits as far as possible. By the hospitable host the horses and carriages, books, grounds, and everything, are placed at the disposal of a visitor. The best hostess the writer ever saw had a most cordial way of greeting a guest, but there was an utter absence t VISITING. 89 of "fussiness" in her manner, and her guests were allowed much latitude without being left to feel neg- lected. In England, where hospitality has been reduced to a system, guests are allowed much freedom of choice about their own amusements. xA.llow them some periods of solitude, in which they can read, write or rest, and do not plan too many amusements without consulting their preferences. Having once invited a guest, nothing but sickness or death should be allowed to interfere with her entertain- ment. The only exception to this is, when through mis- take the invitation was delivered to the wrong person. Any hostess who allows a guest to feel that her presence is an annoyance, is utterly devoid of the first principle of good manners. True hospitality consists in making the guest feel perfectly at home, and in so providing for her comfort and entertainment that she will thoroughly enjoy her visit. Do not, however, devote yourself to a visitor to the neglect of all other duties, so that she will feel that she is a burden. Having done the best you can, profuse apologies for not being able to do better, are out of place. To let the guest see, from your cheerful- ness and kindness, that her visit is a real pleasure to you, will contribute more to her pleasure than anything else. It is rude to ask how long a guest expects to stay, ex- cept of those who are self-invited, in which case it is proper. The question may be prefaced by the remark that you need to know on account of your other engage- ments, or something of that kind. It is always understood that an invitation to a wife to pay a visit includes the husband, and one to a hus- band includes the wife. ■I' 90 VISITING. HINTS TO THE GUEST. If you desire to visit a friend, ascertain before start- ing whether your visit at that time will be agreeable or not. Studiously avoid interfering with the customs of the house, as far as possible. If breakfast is served at an earlier hour than that to which you are accustomed, forego your morning nap rather than inconvenience the family or keep them waiting ; and, on the other hand, do not go down early and make the hostess feel that you want an early breakfast, if the breakfast hour is later than you prefer. Contrive to entertain yourself for an hour or two after breakfast and dinner, so that the hos- tess may have time to perform the household duties, which devolve on most women. Even those who do not do their own work, usually need to oversee it. If there are children, treat them kindly, and try and win their friendship, as few things please a mother more than noticing her children, but do not pet them too much, nor interfere with the efforts made to govern them ; and if they are a little troublesome at times, do not let it be seen by the hostess. Don't scold the chil- dren, tread on the cat's tail, abuse the pet dog, or do anything to make yourself disagreeable. If any un- pleasant family matters come to your notice, they should be passed by without remark and apparently unob- served. If you can pay your hostess any compliment without evident flattery, it is well to do so. Enter with spirit into any arrangements made for your entertain- ment, and let your friends see how much you enjoy the pleasures they provide for you. Do not seclude your- self from the family, nor seek your own private amuse- ments, in which they cannot join. Do not accept invitations without consulting the hostess. Treat the servants thoughtfully, and do not make too great de- mands on their time. Guests should be neat in their VISITING. 91 rooms, and ladies will assist the hostess in any way possible. A gentleman who cannot entertain himself a part of the time is a bore. Let the hostess see that you are not entirely dependent on her for amusement. Do not demand too much from the family horse, and if you ride behind it do not drive too fast, nor force the coach- man to go too far. Do not pick flowers without permis- sion. If you read books taken from the book case, put them back, and be careful not to soil or dog's-ear any book. Attend family prayers, if they are read, — this may be a little out of your usual routine, but it will not hurt you, and it will please your host. Never " outstay your welcome," and if you were invited for a definite time, such as ten days or two weeks, or whatever it may have been, do not overstay the limit. To do so would look very inconsiderate. On leaving, express to your friends the pleasure your visit has given you, and on reaching home notify them of your safe arrival, express thanks for their hospitality, and desire to be remem- bered to the different members of the family. GENERAL HINTS. Invitations received by the hostess should include her guest; so, also, if the guest has friends who invite her to their home, or to any entertainment, their invita- tion should include the hostess. Nevertheless, no well- bred hostess or guest will expect the other to decline a pleasant invitation because she is not included. Each should study the other's happiness and pleasure. A hostess is, to a certain extent, responsible for the acquaintances formed by young ladies visiting her, so that it is incumbent on her to see that they accept no invitations of which their mothers might disapprove. 92 VISITING. If you accidently injure any article of furniture or bric-a-brac, replace it quietly at your own expense. A guest should treat all friends of her hostess with courtesy, even those by whom she is not favorably im- pressed. It is not now, as formerly, necessary that guests should accompany the family party to church, or vice versa. Perfect liberty is allowed in this matter^ and each attends his or her customary place of worship. A friendly invitation to accompany them is always ex- tended by the host and hostess, but with no expectation that it will be accepted, unless the guest prefers. It is, however, always a pleasant attention, especially to a stranger in town, or to an elderly lady, for one of the members of the family to accompany her to church. A gentleman may make the hostess a present of any small article, such as a book or flowers, and a lady may similarly remember the children. If she makes a gift, it should be to the hostess, or preferably to the smallest child, if there are several. In England, every servant who renders a guest any service, expects a fee, and so burdensome do these sti- pends often become, that invitations are frequently de- clined by those of limited means, because of the expenses thus entailed. Fortunately, in America, this vicious practice does not prevail, and while a small fee may be given to a servant who renders some special service, general fees are not expected or desired in the best pri- vate families. BIRTHS, CHRISTENINGS, CAUDLE PARTIES AND CONFIR- MATONS. HEN a child is born, the lady friends and acquaintances call and leave cards, with kind inquiries, or send them by a servant. Gentlemen do not call at such times, but they may visit the happy father and inquire after the health of the mother , and child. When the mother is able to I see her friends, she sends her cards, " with thanks for kind inquiries " written thereon, to all those who have called, or else she has a caudle party. Children are usually named after some relative or intimate friend, but there is so much freedom of choice allowed the parents in selecting a name, that no rules can be laid down. Good taste, however, would seem to suggest that names be selected for their simplicity and beauty, rather than their oddity. The baptism and christening are performed in ac- cordance with the rites of the church to which the parents belong. In the Roman Catholic church, if the child is feeble, the ceremony takes place as soon as pos- sible, the priest performing the ceremony at the bedside of the mother. In the Episcopal church, the ceremony generally takes place as soon as the mother is able to go out, or when the child is about a month old. In olden BIETHS, CHRISTENINGS, ETC. 95 times the ceremony was performed when the child was but three days old. THE GOD-PARENTS. In selecting the god-parents, relatives and near friends are given the preference, as, in the old country, the relation often lasts through life, and much kindly help or counsel may be given by the god-parent, should it be needed. A boy has two god-fathers and one god- mother, and a girl has two god-mothers and one god- father, but formerly there were two of each. A note is sent to the person selected to act as the god-parent, ask- ing him to assume that kindly office, and the request should not be refused, except for some very good reason. Although not obliged to do so, it is usual for god-parents to make some present to the child, such as a knife, fork, spoon, silver cup, or some other article, and among the wealthy, especially if the child bears the god-parent's name, a very valuable present is often made, in one instance, a check for fifty thousand dollars having been presented. Young people, of course, are never asked to stand as sponsors for an infant. THE CHRISTENING PARTY. The christening party and baptism usually take place together, but not necessarily so, and most people have the baptism in church, in accordance with the rites of the religious order to which they belong, followed by a luncheon given at home, to which the friends are invited, and especially the clergyman and his family. At this time the presents are made to the child, and the sponsor may propose a toast in its honor. The infant is often very richly dressed, and it receives a great deal of atten- 96 BIRTHS, CHRISTENINGS, ETO. tion, for it is the hero of the occasion; but parents should remember that too much excitement is bad for so young a child, and not overtax its little nerves. Although the church performs these ceremonies free of charge, it is customary to give the clergyman a pres- ent, if the parents are able. When the christening takes place at the home of the parents, invitations may be issued to the relatives only, or the friends and acquaintances may be included also. The invitation may be engraved, or written in the fol- lowing form : Mr. and Mrs. Charles Thurman request the honor of Mr. and Mrs. Brown's presence at the christening of their daughter (or son), on Thursday, May 10th, at three o'clock. Reception from two to five. No. 180 Adams Street. These invitations should be promptly answered, and those who attend should wear a reception or evening costume. Any other hour may be chosen, if desired, as four or five o'clock. The house should be decorated with flowers, and after the ceremonies, which are per- formed in accordance with the customs of the church to which the parents belong, congratulations are offered to the mother and father. The guests are then offered refreshments, which are about the same as those usually prepared for other receptions. CAUDLE PARTIES. In olden times it was the custom to present those who called to offer their congratulations on the arrival of a little stranger (usually about three days after its birth), with a kind of spiced gruel, flavored with rum or BIRTHS, CHRISTENINGS, ETC. 97 Madeira, and known as caudle." These refreshments were served in china cups, used only on these occasions, and having a handle on each side, so that they could be easily passed from one to another. These caudle cups were often handed down as heir-looms, and to-day they are much sought after as curiosities. In those good old days the husband also entertained his particular friends at the end of a fortnight, if the mother was doing well, with a kind of " sugared toast," soaked in beer. Such seems to have been the origin of the caudle party, which was long out of date, but is now coming into fashion again. The caudle party is now held when the child is about six weeks old. The invitations are sent out a week in advance, and the following is the form in use: Mr. and Mrs. Jackson request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Black's company^ on Wednesday afternoon, at tu'o o'clock. 175 South Monroe Street. Caudle. R. S. V. P. Sometimes the words, "No presents are expected," are added. The plan of having the christening and caudle together has been tried by some parents, but the church disapproves of this, it is said. The mother re- ceives her guests in some pretty convalescent dress, or, if she prefers, in an elaborately trimmed robe, and, of course, the visitors are shown " the handsomest baby in the world." CONFIRMATION. In the Episcopal church, when the children are four- teen or fifteen years of age, the rite of confirmation occurs. Notices of confirmations to be held are given out in the different churches some w^eeks prior to the 98 BIRTHS, CHRISTENINGS, ETC. event, and classes are formed, and instruction and pre- paration given during the weeks preceding the day which the bishop has appointed. Here the duties of god- parents come in, and the church expects them to see that the child is confirmed, if the parents are dead or indifferent in the matter. Of course, those not belong- ing to the Episcopal church do not observe this cere- mony ; but it is a beautiful sight, for the girls are al- ways dressed in white, with white gloves and long, white veils; while the youths wear black suits, ties and gloves. In this simple costume they march two by two, or more, as maybe the custom, and kneel down before the bishop, who lays his hands on their heads, and, after a short prayer, they rise and return to their seats. COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT ETIQUETTE. ROB ABLY no otlier tlieme lias so great a fas- cination for all classes and conditions of people as love ; and as this universal and all-powerful sentiment finds its outward expression in courtship and marriage, the etiquette of these subjects must receive attention in a work of this character. In primitive times, and among savages, there w.ere three forms of courtship — capture, purchase and service. The method of cap- ture was for a man who wanted a wife to seize and abduct her from a neighboring tribe, in which case she became his property ; and to this custom Sir John Lubbock attributes the origin of monogamy. In the custom of purchase, the man bought a wife, paying for her in cows, camels, reindeer, or other property ; and in service, the man performed a certain amount of service for the parents, to win the daughter, as in the case of Jacob who worked seven years for Eachel — or fourteen rather, to finally get her. In the method of capture, there was little chance for personal choice, as it was apt to be dangerous sport to hunt a wife, and a man caught the first game he could get ; but in pur- chase and service there was more chance for personal preference. Since beginning to write this article, a new book has appeared, called " Eomantic Love and Personal Beauty." The author breaks new ground on 100 COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT ETIQUETTE. a subject which is certainly worthy of serious study. He asserts that this element of personal preference (the free choice of love) is of the utmost importance to the welfare of the race, and the effort to introduce the French system of chaperonage, now being made in some quarters, is a most unfortunate tendency ; for our modern romantic love depends for its development on oppor- tunities for courtship, and with two young people "three is a crowd." In England and America young people have much freedom of intercourse before mar- riage, and do their own courting largely, instead of having their life partners selected for them by their parents, as is the case in some nations ; but there is doubtless at present much more freedom in America than in England- In America young gentlemen are permitted to call on young ladies to whom their attentions are agreeable at their homes, and to invite them to ride and drive, and to the theatre, concerts and balls. For a young man to confine these attentions to one young lady, however, would lead her and others to suppose that he was deeply interested, and would soon seek an engage- ment. For the young lady's sake, therefore, as well as his own, a young man should not devote himself too closely to any one by whom he is not much impressed. A great deal of nonsensical talk is indulged in by some people now-a-days, about the evil effects on women of education and intellectual development ; and some men who do not put it into words have a feeling that somehow high intelligence is destructive to the domestic virtues ; that intellectual tastes will unfit or indispose a wife to stay at home and look after the children, and that a bright, clever woman will not entertain a devoted attachment to them. This is a most mistaken idea. In the great battle of life it is worth everything to a man to COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT ETIQUETTE. 101 have a clear-headed, intelligent wife to help and encour- age him. Next to a faithless woman there is no burden like a foolish woman. The good sense, the broad com- prehension, the enlarged field of thought, which comes with high intelligence, will help a woman to bear the harrassing cares and troubles of life, and lift her above its petty jealousies and prejudices. And so to any young man we say : Intelligence is the best of dowries. Do not fear or shun it, but win it if you can. No young lady should encourage the attentions of a young man she does not really like, as she may permit him to think his suit will be accepted, and he may become so far infatuated that a rejection will be a serious matter. Any lady with tact can easily repulse an unacceptable suitor without being rude. Parents should keep close watch of the gentlemen who visit their daughters, and try and prevent their going with those whose characters are not above reproach. At the same time much tact is needed to avoid coming too directly in conflict with the young lady's feelings : and it is better to appeal to her reason at first than to resort to the parental authority. A change of scene may be tried by traveling or visiting, and she may be introduced to other and worthier men. When, however, a daughter (or a son) is infatuated with an utterly worthless or unfit person, the parental authority may be asserted ; and if the authority is then defied, the parents will have no occasion to reproach them- selves afterwards. While there are doubtless cases of love at first sight, we believe, as a rule, it is based on a harmony of tastes and temperaments, and a thorough acquaintance with each other before the engagement is much the safest course. Certainly there can be little lasting love not based on mutual confidence and esteem. 102 COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT ETIQUETTE. We need hardly say that no prudent and modest girl should start a correspondence, perhaps in answer to an advertisement, with wholly unknown parties. Such a course is foolish in the extreme, and often ends in misery, and almost iu variably in disappointment. Don't try it. THE PROPOSAL. Courtship should culminate in a proposal of mar- riage, and for this no rules can be laid down. The lover must be guided by his own feelings, and a true woman knows what he would say, often, better than he does himself. Women, as a rule, like bold and coura- geous lovers, but a bashful man may well send his proposal by letter, if he fears to trust himself at such a time ; but a stammering manner, that results from deep feeling, is often the best advocate. A gentleman may ask for a reconsideration or for a suspension of the verdict at the first refusal, but no true gentleman will thrust his attentions on a lady after she has had time for reflection and clearly indicated that they are not agree- able, so that the verdict seems final. He has no right to demand the reason for her refusal. To persist in his suit would be in very bad taste. He must treat her with respect, but maintain his own dignity and avoid her as much thereafter as possible. The methods of soliciting a lady's hand vary greatly in different countries. In France, the preliminaries of marriage are nearly all arranged by the parents. Some authorities insist that a young man should obtain the consent of the parents before paying his attentions to the daughter. That is the English rule ; but in America the young people are left to settle most of these things for themselves, and the gentleman usually ascertains COUKTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT ETIQUETTE. 103 the young lady's feeling before consulting the parents. Most men would take a young lady they loved without the parents' consent, if it was refused. A young lady, however, should pay due attention to the opinions and wishes of her parents, regarding the character of the young men who visit her, as they are her natural guard- ians, and are deeply interested in her welfare. Proposals made on very brief acquaintance, are fool- ish and presumptuous. They are usually made by ad- venturers or shallow pates, and the lady who would accept a gentleman on so slight an acquaintance, hardly possesses the discretion necessary to make a good wife. A gentleman should never propose to a lady who is a guest at his own home. Some people say that an offer of marriage should always be made to a young lady at her own home, but this is not demanded by the present custom. When accepted, a gentleman asks a young lady's parents for her hand, and he should not hesitate at such a time to explain to them his exact financial condition and prospects. CONDUCT WHILE ENGAGED. After the engagement, the gentleman may present his affianced with an engagement ring. This may be whatever his means will justify, but it should always be genuine. The plain gold ring, with the date of the engagement engraved inside, is much used, but a fine solitaire diamond is often preferred by the wealthy, and a diamond and ruby or sapphire, set at right angles, is a late fashion. The ring should be worn on the third finger (next the little finger) of the lady's left hand. Other small presents may be made to the lady, unless she shows scruples about receiving them, in which case 104 COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT ETIQUETTE. her wishes should be respected. Flowers are always appropriate presents at such a time. For a gentleman to make some present to his fianc6e as a memento of the betrothal, is a very old custom. Among the Bomans the friends of the families were called together, and a feast was prepared, at the con- clusion of which the lover placed a ring on the third finger of the left hand of his affianced, as they had an idea that a nerve went from this finger directly to the heart. The marriage contract and the dowry were also arranged on this occasion. In Holland the friends and neigh- bors celebrate a betrothal by assembling and consuming the hriudsuker (bridal sugar), and hriudstranen (bridal tears), as they term the spiced wine drunk at such times. In England it was once a custom to break in two a gold or silver coin, and each party preserved a half in token of an agreement to marry. An old superstition forbade the use of either an opal or emerald in an engagement ring — the first because it denoted change, and the latter jealousy. A young lady should not, according to the strict rules of etiquette, travel, nor stay at the same hotel unaccompanied, with the gentleman to whom she is en- gaged ; nor should she go alone with him to parties, theatres or concerts. When they attend entertainments together she should be accompanied by a chaperon. This is the English rule, which is also observed by some of the stricter families in America ; but society generally allows much more latitude in these matters in America than in England. As soon as their wedding cards have been sent out, most ladies decline all invitations to appear in public until after their marriage. When a gentleman is engaged to a lady, he should treat her whole family — father and mother, brothers COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT ETIQUETTE. 105 and sisters — cordially and frankly. He should try and win their good will, and should conform to their family customs as much as possible while with them. If the young lady has a private fortune, it should, in part at least, be secured for her own control. Even though her husband may be perfectly honorable and true to her, he may be unfortunate in his business ven- tures, and it is certainly prudent not to involve all of her means in his operations. A new custom at present is for a young lady to write her intimate friends that on a certain day (always soon) her engagement will be announced. Calls are made on that day, or congratulatory notes sent, by all who have heard from her. Many friends send flowers, and she holds an informal and very pleasant reception. When the engagement is announced, the gentleman's parents should call on the lady, and treat her most cor- dially; or they may invite her to visit them, bo that they may become acquainted with her. The young lady's parents also should extend civilities to the fiance-, and the two families should exchange calls and establish friendly relations. During the engagement, the gentleman should not publicly escort other ladies and neglect his future bride; nor should she accept attentions from other men. They need not withdraw from society, however, but he is her legitimate escort, and he has the first claim upon her. They should maintain an attitude of mutual respect and confidence, but any public demonstration of affec- tion would be extremely vulgar. BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT. To break an engagement is no trifling matter, and should not be lightly done ; and yet, if it becomes evi- 106 COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT ETIQUETTE. dent that the parties are not adapted to each other, or that the marriage is likely to prove an unhappy one, there should be no hesitation in severing the engage- ment. Better, far better, to do this than risk a life-long misery. On breaking the engagement (which is often done best by letter), everything in the way of letters, gifts or portraits, should be returned. The other party should accept the matter with dignity, and at once make a similar return. In most instances of this kind, time will soon heal the heartaches. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. HEN a courtship has culminated in an en- gagement, the next step is that of mar- riage. This is both a civil and religious ceremony, but it has, by universal con- sent, been made a Joyous and festive occasion in all nations and ages. The union of two loving hearts invokes an approving smile from all classes of peo- ple, and while the forms vary somewhat in different religious denominations, and in civil and religious marriages, it can be set down as a rule that the ceremony of a grand wedding is always substanti- ally the same. A WEDDING IX CHUECH. If the wedding is held in churchy the following is the usual form. The guests should arrive early, and they are escorted to their seats by the ushers, who seat the nearest relatives in the front seats, the bride's kin on the left and the bridegroom's on the right, and dis- tant relatives and acquaintances further back. The bride and bridegroom do not meet on the wedding day until they meet at the chancel of the church. The bridegroom should drive to the church in com- pany with his "best man," and arrive there before the bride, waiting for her in the vestry room. He should wear a full morning dress — that is, a dark or black frock coat and vest, light trousers, light tie, and light tinted gloves, if any. The bride should be dressed in white silk, satin, 108 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. tulle, or any white material, with a veil of point lace or white tulle, and a wreath of white roses and orange blossoms. She wears no jewelry. She is driven to the church, accompanied by her father, who is to give her away. Her mother and bridesmaids should have pre- ceded her. When the procession has been formed, the organ peals forth a wedding march, and the ushers march up the aisle first, two and two, keeping step with the music, and on reaching the altar they separate, going to the right and left. Then the bridesmaids follow, also sep- arating and going to the right and left. Sometimes there are child bridesmaids, who either follow or pre- cede the others. The bride follows, leaning on her father's right arm. As he approaches the steps, the bridegroom (who should have come from the vestry room and be standing with his *'best man" at the clergyman's left) advances to receive her, and takes her by the right hand to the altar, where they kneel, the bride at the bridegroom's left. The clergyman being in his place, they rise in a moment, and the ceremony pro- ceeds in accordance with the rite of the church. Dur- ing the ceremony soft music may be discoursed, or not, as the bride prefers. When the clergyman asks, " Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" the father, who having escorted the bride to the altar now stands a little behind her, gives his consent by bowing, instead of coming forward as was formerly the custom and placing her hand in that of the clergyman. The father then takes his seat in the front pew beside the bride's mother, as his part in the ceremony is over. To avoid delay in removing the glove, the ring finger of the glove may be cut, so that it will easily slip off alone without trouble, or cut down the side, so that it can be turned back. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 109 When the ceremony is over, and the twain are made one, the clergyman stoops forward and offers his con- gratulations, but does not kiss the bride that custom being no longer allowable. The organ now breaks out in joyous peals, and the bridegroom offers his left arm to the bride, and they march down the aisle to the carriage. It is, however, considered bad form for the bride to bow to or notice any one in the church while going to and from the altar. Having entered the carriage, the bride and bridegroom are driven together to the bride's home. The bridesmaids and groomsmen follow down the aisle, and are also driven to the bride's home. The bridesmaids are there divided, half on either side of the bride and bridegroom, who stand together and receive the congratulations and best wishes of. their friends. The ushers stand at the drawing-room door, and, receiving the guests as they arrive fi'om the church to attend the reception, they present them, one by one by name, to the newly married pair. After an hour or two thus spent, the bride and bride- groom retire, and after changing her clothes for the wedding journey (in which she is assisted by her inti- mate friends), the bride reappears. She is joined by the bridegroom, who has also dressed for the trip, and the bride is kissed by her friends, and the happy couple drive away. The custom of throwing a shoe (or slipper) after the bridal pair is very old. It was said to origin- ally symbolize the father's renunciation, but now it sug- gests good luck, and is often jestingly practiced. Many slight changes may be introduced into the ceremony, such as changing the order of the procession that marches up the aisle of the church to the marriage altar, and so on, but the form is substantially the same always. 110 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. A WEDDING AT HOME. If the ceremony is held at home, it is often simpler, and involves much 1 ess expense and trouble. The brides- maids and groomsmen are, as a rule, dispensed with. When the wedding guests have assembled, and the time for the ceremony arrives, the clergyman enters the room first, and takes his stand, facing the company. The bride and bridegroom follow and face the clergyman. Sometimes an altar is improvised and dressed with flowers, and hassocks are provided for the bride and bridegroom to kneel upon. After they are declared man and wife, the bride and bridegroom take the clergyman's place, and the friends advance and extend their con- gratulations. The relatives advance first, and then the intimate friends, and lastly the acquaintances. The old custom of kissing the bride is now obsolete, only a few relatives being allowed the privilege. In offering con- gratulations, it is the bridegroom and not the bride who is congratulated. If the wedding is held in the evening, dancing is often provided for, but the bride can retire at any time to dress for her departure without checking the gayety. In all nations a wedding has been an occasion for rejoic- ing and festivities. It is not usual for a bride to dance at her own wedding, although she may, if she chooses, join in a square dance. Many brides prefer a simple wedding, and are married in their traveling dresses, leaving at once for their wedding tour, without waiting for congratulations; and there is no more honorable and appropriate wedding than one celebrated in the presence of the family alone. Fashionable weddings are often prompted by policy rather than love, and many a fashionable belle longs for a freer and less artificial life. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. Ill THE HOXEYXOOX. The Germans had an old custom of drinking a bever- age (mead or metheglin) made out of honey for thirty days after the wedding, and it is said that from this comes onr term of "honeymoon." TVith our restless Americans the honeymoon does not usually last more than a fortnight, and seclusion during that period is not at present demanded by society. THE ENGLISH WEDDING BEEAKEAST. The attempt to introduce the English wedding break- fasts in this country is comparatively new, and they are not at present very common. They may be either "sit-down" or "stand-up" affairs. The "stand-up" breakfasts are less formal than the others, and the gen- tlemen help the ladies and themselves from a long table in the center of the room, while the bridal party is pro- vided with small tables at the side of the room. For the wedding breakfast, invitations are issued ten days or two weeks in advance, which must be answered the same as for a dinner party. At the formal " sit- down" breakfast, when it is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead the way, followed by the bride's father who escorts the bridegroom's mother. The bridegroom's father comes next with the bride's mother, then the best man follows with the first bridesmaid, then the brides- maids with their escorts, and lastly the invited guests in the order arranged by the hostess. Hot and cold enirSes, salads, game, chickens, jellies, creams, etc., are served; with many, wines take the place of tea and coffee, which are omitted. All the dishes are handed by the servants, but the fruits and bon-bons are placed on the table. Dinner napkins are always used, but the finger-bowls and doilies are omitted. At the 112 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. « conclusion of the meal the wedding-cake is set before the bride and she cuts a slice ; but the real cutting of the cake is left for the servants. Each guest is expected to take at least a fragment of the cake as it is passed. The toasts which are now expected to follow are apt to be dry and dull, and to this fashion Americans are not likely to take kindly. The health of the bride and groom is usually proposed by the father of the groom, or the oldest friend of the family present, and responded to by the bride's father or the bridegroom. The bridegroom's father proposes the health of the bride's father and mother, and the bride's father re- sponds, proposing in turn the health of the bridegroom's father and mother. The bridegroom proposes the health of the bridesmaids, and the "best man" responds. The speeches should be short. At the conclusion of the toasts the bride retires to put on her traveling dress, and the gentlemen accom- pany the ladies to the drawing room, not staying behind to smoke and drink wine. A WIDOW REMARRYING. When a widow remarries, she should not wear a bridal veil — and orange blossoms never — and most au- thorities decide against her having bridesmaids. She may wear a light-colored silk or other dress, but not white. On her wedding cards her maiden name appears, before that of her late husband. For obvious reasons, her first wedding ring should be removed. She should be attended by her father, brother, or some near relative. CHOOSING THE WEDDING DAY. It is the bride's privilege to choose the wedding day, and any day in the year may be chosen, but ever since ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 113 the time of the Eomans, May has been considered an unlucky month, and, of course, all know that Friday is regarded as an unlucky day. These, however, are pure superstitions, which the intelligence of the present day hardly justifies. Happy is the bride that the sun shines on," is an old maxim, and the sombre winter months seem less appropriate than the other seasons of the year, spring, summer and autumn. June and Octo- ber are favorite months. THE BRIDAL TOUR. Fashion no longer demands that the newly married pair shall take a bridal tour, although these trips are common. After the excitement of a wedding, a quiet honeymoon, exempt from the demands of society, is de- sired usually, and readily granted. In England, the brides may wear very showy dresses on their wedding tours, but in America this is not ^allowed by fashion, dark cashmeres and plain cloths being preferred. Bon- nets are also more suitable than round hats. Any public display of affection is ridiculous at this time, as well as at all others. A respectful attitude should be main- tained towards each other when in public, and all caresses reserved for private occasions. RECEPTIONS FOR THE NEWLY MARRIED PAIR. The mother of the bride usually gives a reception for the bridal pair after their return from the wedding tour, if one was not given after the wedding, and then one may be given by the parents of the bridegroom also. REQUIREMENTS OF THOSE WHO ARE IN MOURNING. When a marriage occurs in a family that is in mourn- ing, all, even a mother, lay aside their mourning for tJie 114 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. time being. In England, the mourning widow would wear deep red cardinal, but in America, purple velvet or silk may be worn at a daughter's wedding. Friends who are in mourning and receive invitations, usually- absent themselves from the wedding festivities, as it is considered by many an ill omen to see heavy mourning at a wedding, and the sombre dress is certainly illy in keeping with the joyousness of the occasion. THE BEST MAN. The " best man " is usually the brother or some inti- mate friend of the bridegroom. He should drive to church with the bridegroom, and stand by him at the altar while waiting for the bride. He pays the clergy- man's fee, and then drives to the bride's home for the wedding reception, and presents the guests to the bride and bridegroom. He may also sign the marriage reg- ister as witness. He wears a full morning suit, light tie, and light gloves, if any. At the modern wedding groomsmen are rarely seen, the '*best man" alone supporting the bridegroom. THE BKIDESMAIDS. If the bride has a sister, she usually acts as lirst bridesmaid, and the others may be chosen from her relatives or friends. Any number, from two to twelve, may be chosen, but six or eight is a fashionable number. It is the bride's privilege to choose the dresses, but she should regard the tastes of the others as well as her own. When there are a number of bridesmaids, part are often dressed in one color and part in another. Such expensive dresses as to drain her friends' purses, should not be demanded. A present may be made by the bride to each bridesmaid, of some article to serve as a ETIQUETTE OF WEDDIXGS 115 memento of the occasion, and the bridegroom often gives a simple present to each groomsman. Of conrse, without some excellent reason, no one should refuse to act as bridesmaid or groomsman, for it is a mark of fi'iendship to be asked to serve. A bridesmaid who is prevented from officiating by illness or other cause, should notify the bride at once, so that she can make other arrangements. Of course, married women should never be selected for bridesmaids. Occasionally there is only one bridesmaid, in which case she should be escorted to the altar by the bride- groom's brother, her own fiance, or some other friend. It is not the correct thing for the " best man " to escort her, as his duties are to attend to the bridegroom until the ceremony is over. THE USHEES. The ushers wear a full morning suit, and light gloves, and a button-hole bouquet. They arrive at the church early, and seat the guests, giving the relatives the front seats (those of the groom on the right, and those of the bride on the left), and after the ceremonies they go to the reception and assist in presenting the guests to the bride and bridegroom. In England, the sexton of the church seats the guests, and there are no ushers. An usher may very properly ask a lady who wants a seat whether she is a relative of either party, as he cannot be expected to know all those in attendance. THE WEDDIXG PKESEXTS. The custom of giving wedding presents originated among the thrifty Dutch, in a very generous desire to help the young people begin housekeeping, but it has become too often an occasion for the proud display of 116 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. the giver's riches, rather than his good will. With all sensible and right-minded people, the spirit which prompts it is of more value than the gift itself. No one should hesitate to send a gift because it is not so costly as those offered by wealthier friends, and a piece of embroidery, or some article made by one's own hand, is often particularly complimentary as indicating personal interest. The ostentatious display, and the vain and selfish spirit often prompting wedding gifts, led many sensible people to revolt at receiving them, and so they would add on their cards, " No presents received," but now, happily, this is less needed than formerly. In these days of rapidly increasing pri- vate fortunes, very costly presents are often made by the wealthy, and no rules can be laid down, as the pres- ents are dictated only by the taste of the sender. When a gift is bought, the giver's card is attached to it, and it is usually sent by the merchant directly to the bride. Presents may be sent at any time during the two months preceding the wedding, and it is well to send them as early as possible, to allow the bride time to acknowledge their receipt and arrange them for display. The receipt of each gift should be promptly and invari- ably acknowledged by the bride, who should personally write a note of thanks on a sheet of note paper, and not on a visiting card. The bride should not fail to acknowl- edge gifts from those she does not know, as they may be from some friend of her fianc^-, who would be hurt the neglect. The matter of displaying the wedding presents is left to the bride's choice. Some do not show them at all, considering it ostentatious. Others devote a room to the display, arranging the presents with the sender's card attached to each one; doubtless the best form avoids all parade. Clocks, jewelry, fans, silver- ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 117 ware, china — almost anything, is appropriate for pre- sentation at such a time. The bridegroom may make any present he chooses to the bride, and on the wedding day should, of course, send her a bouquet. In France, the relatives club together and raise a sum of money, which is sent to the mother, to be expended as she deems best ; and, in this country, thoughtful friends sometimes consult each other to avoid the awkwardness of having several friends send the same thing. THE INVITATIONS. The invitations to the wedding should be engraved in plain script, and printed on fine, heavy note paper. Neither Old English nor German Text letters are allow- able. The following is the usual form, but a much better form is to "request the honor (or pleasure) of your company at the marriage, etc.," and it is being adopted now by many cultivated people : 118 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. An invitation to the reception after the wedding is sent to the more intimate friends, and is often in this form: In cities, where there is a large circle of formal acquaintances, they are all invited to the church, and only the nearer friends to the reception. When the ceremony is at church and excites public curiosity, to protect the guests, they receive admission cards, in the following form: The cards should be sent out ten days or two weeks before the wedding. The envelopes used should be per- fectly plain. "When the wedding is private, marriage ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 119 notices are sent to friends, usually in this form: After a wedding, the newly married couple should send notices to their friends, giving their new address, so that they may be easily found, as a failure to do this often causes much perplexity. The following, or a sim- ilar form, is sometimes sent with the notice of the marriage : Or, instead of the " after November first," it may be, ''Thursdays in November," or whenever it is desired to receive. Sometimes this and the preceding card are combined in one, the essential thing being to give friends notice of the marriage, the new addi-ess, and the time for receiving. 120 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. After a private wedding, parents sometimes send out an announcement to their friends and acquaintances, and we have seen no better form than the following: This form is concise, and gives the new address of the bride, which is very desirable. After the wedding invitations are issued, the bride does not appear in public until the wedding occurs. Those about to be married should make out a careful list of all their friends and acquaintances, as an omis- sion of a name at such a time is a serious slight, and think of trying to apologize by saying, "Oh, I com- pletely forgot you! " No one thinks it strange to receive wedding cards — it is rather a compliment. To send At Home after December third, at 920 Lincoln Street. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDLN'GS. 121 cards to each member of a family is unnecessary. See what we say in onr chapter on '* Cards," about sending cards to different members of a large family. ANSWERING WEDDING IXYITATIOXS. Those who receive cards to the wedding and cannot attend, should send or leave their own cards within ten days thereafter, and all those who receive wedding cards should call on or extend some invitation to the newly married couple within a year; but those who do not re- ceive invitations to the wedding, or cards or announce- ments afterwards, should not think of calling on the newly married pair. No answer is expected to a wed- ding card except to attend, or leave cards afterwards, as above explained. Of course, however, if the wedding is a small one at home, and an B. S. T. P. is added, it should be sent promptly. Friends out of town unable to attend the wedding, should send their cards at once by mail, to indicate that they have received the invitation. An invitation to a wedding breakfast should be ans- wered promptly. THE WEDDING CAKE. The custom of packing the wedding cake in boxes and allowing each guest to take one, has superseded the old custom of cutting the wedding cake and j^assing it around at the wedding; and so, also, to cut the wedding cake and hunt for the ring is out of vogue at present. PAYING THE EXPENSES OF THE WEDDING. With regard to who should pay for the cards, it may be said that this, and all other expenses of the wedding, 122 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. always devolve upon the parents of the bride. In Eng- land, the bridegroom is allowed to pay for the carriage in which they drive away from church, but no other; but in America even that is not customary. The idea is, that the bride's parents should pay for her trousseau, and defray all expenses of the wedding and the enter- tainment. If they are not able to afford a fashionable wedding, they should not attempt it, but have a quiet ceremony at home, rather than call on the bridegroom to provide the means for a display. Of course, visiting cards to be used after the wedding, may be paid for by the husband, like any other family expenses. The bridegroom pays the clergyman, furnishes the wedding ring, sends a bouquet to the bride, and some other present, if he chooses ; gives presents to the bridesmaids, the "best man," and some token to the ushers, as souvenirs of the occasion — and these are all the wedding expenses he is expected to pay. The clergyman's fee may vary from five to five hundred dollars, according to his wealth and liberality. It should never be less than five dollars, however. THE WEDDING KING. The use of a wedding ring is a very ancient custom. It is probable that it was used by the Swiss Lake Dwel- lers, and other primitive people. In very early times it was used by the Hebrews, who possibly borrowed it from the Egyptians, among whom, as well as the Greeks and the Romans, the wedding ring was used. An Eng- lish book on Etiquette, published in 1732, says, the bride may choose on which finger the ring shall be placed, and it says some brides prefer the thumb, others the index finger, others the middle finger, " because it is the largest," and others the fourth -finger, because " a vein proceeds from it to the heart." At the present day ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS- 123 the wedding ring is used in the services of nearly all the different denominations. The engagement ring is removed at the altar, usually by the bridegroom, who passes the wedding ring (which is a plain gold band, with the date and the initials engraved inside) to the clergy- man, to be used by him in the ceremony. On the way home from church, or as soon thereafter as convenient, the bridegroom may place the engagement ring again on the bride's finger, to stand guard over its precious fellow. KEMEMBEEING SEEVANTS. One very pleasant custom, which should not be over- looked, is that of making some small present to the servants as a souvenir of the joyous occasion. The bridegroom should make some presents to the servants in his father-in-law's family, especially those who have been most attached to his wife. WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. HE object of anniversaries is to recall viv- idly to mind events that are past, and which have left an impression or marked a crisis in our lives. It has now become the general custom to celebrate the wed- ding anniversaries, and these occasions may be made very pleasant, but the cus- tom of giving presents at these times is often, as at weddings, carried to an ex- treme, and any ostentatious display is vulgar and ill-bred. The first anniversaries are merely occasions of cor- diality and pleasure. For the paper wedding, which is the first anniversary, the presents should be entirely of paper; and for the second anniversary (the cotton wed- ding) the presents should be of cotton cloth. To be in keeping with the occasion, the invitations also are printed on cotton cloth. The wooden weddirig (the fifth anniversary) is usu- ally the signal for a frolic, and anything, from a wooden mustard spoon to a set of furniture, may be sent in. Elegant wood carvings are often given. Invitations may be sent on the delicate and beautiful wooden cards, which are almost equal to ivory. The tin wedding (the tenth anniversary) is often very gay, and the fun waxes " fast and furious." Any- thing made of tin may be sent, and the presents are often fantastic and ridiculous. The invitations may be written or printed on tin cards, or on note paper, with a tin card enclosed in the same envelope. 126 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. The crystal wedding occurs on the fifteenth, and the china on the twentieth anniversary. For the first, gifts of glassware should be sent, and for the latter, china, porcelain, etc. The invitations should be on the ivory or celluloid papers, which are so beautiful. The Scotch think either the husband or wife will die within a year if the twentieth anniversary is even talked about, and many superstitious people refuse to observe it. There is doubtless about as much foundation for the belief as there is for the old superstition that Satan appears as a black cat! The silver wedding, which occurs on the twenty-fifth anniversary, may be made a very pleasant occasion. These reunions have been so often made the occasion for extravagant display, that many people have been led to confine their invitations to their own families or intimate friends. Others have " No presents received " engraved in one corner of the cards of invitation, and we most heartily commend the custom, as it relieves those who are invited from the feeling that they are be- ing levied on. So many articles of ornament and use are made of silver, that there is a large list from which the relatives and friends who wish to give them may select presents. The invitations should be printed in silver, on the finest note paper. The golden wedding, which comes on the fiftieth anniversary, is a rare occurrence. Few people survive the many ills which flesh is heir to and live to cele- brate their golden wedding. Such couples must be old, and may well receive presents of gold from their rela- tives and friends. The invitations should be printed in gold, on fine white paper. Much latitude is allowed in the giving of presents on these occasions, and they are by no means necessarily confined to articles of gold, but friends offer such tributes of regard as they choose. It WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 127 is very pleasant if the bride can wear some article of dress which she wore at her first wedding while receiving the congratulations of her friends. The diamond wedding comes on the seventy-fifth anniversary, and few, indeed, are those who live to cele- brate it. The sands of life are then running low, and the jewels the occasion calls for can give little pleasure. The invitations may be printed on diamond-shaped cards, and enclosed in envelopes of the same shape. On some of these anniversaries the wedding cere- mony has been repeated, and the question as to its propriety is often asked. No event in life is more im- portant than marriage, and on this institution all our civilization rests, and we should pronounce unhesitat- ingly against trifling with it in any such way. Invitations to these various weddings are often issued somewhat in this style: 128 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. Or, iu place of the " Silver Wedding/^ may be " Tin Wedding," " Golden Wedding," or whichever it may be. The names at the end, however, are omitted by many. Some invitations transcribe the original marriage notice published in the newspaper at the time, but simplicity is always the best etiquette. Occasionally the "at home" form of invitation is used, in which case it takes the following form: 7 (J X^l/ . / Oyt/. The paper, cotton, leather, wooden and tin weddings, are generally very social and enjoyable occasions, with- out the ceremony of those of riper years. Gifts are not expensive and may be freely indulged in, and the more fun provoked by their absurdity the better. Cof- fee, chocolate, salads, cake and ices, are generally served at these entertainments. At the earlier weddings it is optional, but at the silver and golden weddings, a loaf WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 129 of wedding cake is demanded, and the house is decor- ated with flowers. For the convenience of our readers, we append a list of the wedding anniversaries in the order in which they come, but many of them are little observed. Au- thorities differ in regard to some of them, as for example, the fifteenth and twentieth, and for this reason we give the different forms. The crown-diamond is new, and, of course, very rare, but we have seen an account of one such wedding where the combined ages of the couple amounted to one hundred and seventy-eight years! First Anniversary Paper Wedding Second Anniversary Cotton Wedding Third Anniversary Leather Wedding Fifth Anniversary Wooden Wedding Seventh Anniversary Woolen Wedding Tenth Anniversary Tin Wedding Twelfth Anniversary Silk and Fine Linen Wedding Fifteenth Anniversary Crystal (sometimes the Iron) Wedding Twentieth Anniversary China (sometimes the Floral) Wedding Twenty -fifth Anniversary Silver Wedding Thirtieth Anniversary Pearl Wedding Thirty -fifth Anniversary Coral Wedding Fortieth Anniversary Euby Wedding Forty-fifth Anniversary Bronze Wedding Fiftieth Anniversary Golden Wedding Sixty-fifth Anniversary Crown-Diamond AVedding Seventy-fifth Anniversary Diamond Wedding ^ r ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS AND MOURNING. HEX death enters a family and claims some loved one as its prize, it is incum- bent on all to slioTT the mourners the utmost kindness and consideration. The world has always been awe-struck by the appalling mystery of death, but the tend- ency at present is towards less gloom and outward display of the pomp, pride and circumstance of woe,"' and many now discard altogether the outward emblems of an inward grief. And yet a mourning costume does, to a certain extent, shield the wearer from the rude jostlings of a gay and thoughtless world. AEEAXGEXENTS EOE THE EUXEEAL. The gentlemen of the family see, those who are to officiate at the ceremonies, as the ladies see none but their most intimate friends before the funeral. It is customary to leave the details of the funeral to some near friends, but in case there are none such prepared to take charge of the matter, it is usually left to the undertaker. A statement of the amount to be expended should be made to him, and then he can lay his plans accordingly. No one is expected to go beyond his means, and display at funerals is in bad taste. Even the rich now study simplicity. If the deceased belonged to some organization which expects to conduct the funeral, prompt notice of the 132 ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS AND MOUENING. death should be sent, so that the members may have time to make their arrangements. The body of a man is usually dressed in black, but for the young of both sexes white is the most appro- priate. For a woman, much latitude is given to differ- ing tastes, but for her, also, nothing is more appropriate than white. Friends and acquaintances generally are notified through the papers, in which case it is well to add, " without further notice," but notes are always sent to pall-bearers, requesting them to serve, and those who receive such notes should reply immediately. In cities and large towns, or where it is thought the notice may not reach them otherwise, printed invitations are often issued to the friends of the family, usually on fine, small note paper, with a heavy black border, and in somewhat the following form : NOTICES OF A FUNERAL. ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS AND MOURNING. 133 Or, if the funeral is held in a chui'ch, in place of the lines giving the residence the church should be given, as, "from St. Paul's church," or whatever it may be. Carriages should be provided for all thus invited, and none but those suffering from a similar deep afflic- tion are at liberty to decline such an invitation. At- tendance at the funeral is the only answer needed. THE SERA'ICES. Some near relative or friend of the family receives the guests as they arrive, if the services are held at the house. The relatives take a last look at the remains before the arrival of the guests, and are not seen again until the services begin. The clergyman takes his stand near the head of the coffin, or where he can be most readily heard by those present, and conducts the ser- vices in accordance with the rites of the church to which he belongs. It is now the custom for friends to take a last look at the remains at the house, before the ser- vices begin, instead of at the church, when services are held there. At the conclusion of the services, the master of ceremonies directs the mourners to the carriages and assists them to enter, and, as they pass out, all present stand with uncovered heads. Any attempt at jests, or levity, is shockingly coarse and rude at a funeral, and even the bitterest enemies meeting at such a place are expected to bury their ani- mosity for the time being. The custom of decorating the coffin with flowers is a most beautiful one, but in large cities it is often the occasion of so much lavish display that the request is frequently made that no flowers be sent- Otherwise, nothing is more appropriate thaa a modest tribute of this kind. 134: ETIQUETTE OF FUNEKALS AND MOURNING. Those who attend a funeral, ladies especially, should dress in dark and sombre colors. THE PROCESSION. The attending clergyman precedes the hearse; so also should a military or other organization. The pall- bearers, of which there are usually six, though some- times eight, walk beside the hearse, equally divided in number. If they ride they precede the hearse. The relatives follow, the nearest going first. The attending physician, if present, should immediately follow the relatives. At the cemetery, the clergyman precedes the coffin to the grave. In England, lady friends seldom go to the church or the grave, although custom permits it in this country if they so desire. After the exercises at the grave, the guests return to their respective homes, the immediate family alone going to the house of mourning. CALLS OF CONDOLENCE, ETC. Friends and acquaintances call upon the bereaved family in about a month, and leave their cards; and the most intimate friends may call much earlier. Only those very intimate, however, expect to see the family. These cards are preserved and properly acknowledged when the mourner re-enters society. A bereaved wife or mother sees none but her family for several weeks after the funeral. Kind notes of condolence or sympa- thy may be left, and gifts of flowe^^s, or other delicate expressions of interest, are grateful to the afflicted ones. These notes of condolence should not be on black-edged paper. When those who have been in mourning wish to re-enter society, they send cards to their acquaintances as an intimation that their period of seclusion is over. ETIQUETTE OE FUNERALS AXD MOURNING. 135 Society will not intrude upon their privacy until such notice is received, although cards can be sent with the words, ''To inquire.'' written at the top. Cards in reply to these should have, "Thanks for kind inquiries," writ- ten on them. DEESS AND PERIODS OF MOURNING. The question is often asked, how long " the habili- ments of woe" should be worn. In America, society has not laid down any very strict rules, but the follow- ing are those sanctioned by the best authorities and the usage of society: For a Hushand. — The usual period of mourning is two years, although it is sometimes shortened to one. For the first sis months the dress should be of crape and bombazine, with a crape bonnet and long crape veil. For the first three months the veil is not lifted in the street at all. After six months the crape may be re- moved, and grenadine and dead trimmings used. After the first year a lighter veil may take the place of the heavy one. and the mourning may be lightened some- what. The custom of wearing purple the second year is obsolete. Jet ornaments only, or diamonds set as mementos, should be worn. The black kid gloves, which are worn in the deepest mourning, are objectionable in warm weather. The ganis de Suede or black silk gloves are pleasanter to wear, and in better style. Seal-skins and black furs of all kinds are worn when in deep mourning. Some, though few, hold that the mourning should not be lightened at all for two years. Many widows never leave off their mourning, which is considered an especial mark of respect for the dead. For a Wife. — The widower wears mourning for one year in America, and two years in England. Widowers re-enter society much earlier than widows, and it is an 136 ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS AND MOURNING. accepted rule for gentlemen to enter society much earlier than ladies when mourning relatives. Some of our ladies, who insist on '^equal-rights," may object to this, but such is the rule. For Parents. — The period of mourning is one year for parents, although after the first six months it is lightened somewhat. The heavy black veil is worn at the back of the bonnet, and not, like the widow's veil, over the head and face. For Grand- Parents. — The rule is the same as for parents in America, but in England this mourning only lasts three months. For Brothers and Sisters. — For these the period of mourning is one year. Crape is worn six months, and for the succeeding six months, sombre silks, grenadines and cashmere are worn. For Children. — For those above ten years of age mourning lasts nine months. The first three the dress is tri-mmed with crape, but less heavily than for a hus- band. For younger children mourning is worn from three to six months. For an infant, six or seven weeks is the usual time. For Uncles, Auiits and Cousins. — For these the period of mourning is from three to six months. When these are relatives by marriage only, from six weeks to three months is considered long enough. In such cases, often, crape is not worn at all, even at the first, but colors are discarded from the dress. For Nephews and Nieces. — For these the mourning is the same as for an uncle or aunt. For a relative who leaves you an inheritance, the mourning is the same as for a grand-parent. Wives wear mourning for their husband's relatives the same as they would for their own, and husbands do the same for their wives. ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS AND 3I0UENIXG. 137 For distant relatives and friends, the degree of inti- macy regnlates the period of mourning — fi^om six weeks to three months beiug the rule. GENERAL HINTS. The French rule varies somewhat from the English and American, and their periods of mom^ning are gener- ally shorter. Many people appear to be shocked at the brevity of French mourning, but sombre clothes are by no means the necessary adjuncts of grief. In America the ideas of propriety vary somewhat in different parts of the union, New England requiring less outward dis- play than some other sections, and in general there is probably at present a tendency to shorter periods of wearing and less parade of the sombre emblems of woe. The French customs are about as follows: For a husband the wife wears mourning for one year and six weeks — divided into six months of deep mourning, six months of lighter and six weeks of half mourning. For a wife the husband wears mourning for six months — three being deep, and three half mourning. For a father or mother the rule is the same as for a wife. For a brother or sister the period is two months — one of full and one of half mourning. For a grand- parent the rule is two and one-half months of light mourning. For an micle or aunt ordinary mourning is worn for three weeks only, and for a cousin two weeks. It is considered disrespectful for a person in mourn- ing for a husband, brother, parent or child, to be seen at the opera or theatre, a party or dinner, until six months have elapsed, although it is allowable to attend a concert after three months. To seek such gayeties at such a time not only displays heartlessness on the part of the mourner, but the sombre mourning cos- 138 ETIQUETTE OF Fip^ERALS AND MOURNING. tume casts an air of gloom illy in keeping with the joy- ousness of such occasions. Those who do not wear mourning can do as they choose, but those who adopt it are expected to observe the restraint which it imposes. Mourning should be discarded gradually, or other- wise it may be unpleasantly remarked that it was worn perfunctorily, and is discarded with unseemly delight. The wearing of heavy crape veils is objected to by physicians. Injury to the eyes is a frequent result, they claim, and also the deleterious dyes are breathed into the nose, producing catarrhal disease. It is a pity they could not be discarded, but the tyrant fashion demands their use by her slaves. A small veil of black tulle may be pinned over the nose and eyes, and the heavy crape veil thrown back as frequently as possible, which will afford some relief to those who wear them. When the head of the family dies — and sometimes for other members of the family — the servants are pre- sented with suits of mourning. The coachman is dressed in black, with weeds on his hat, and the family carriage is lined with black. Mourning stationery is often used, but the narrower borders are preferred, on account of the ostentation of very wide ones. The period of its use varies from one to two years. Even those ladies who are not in mourning, should wear black dresses when attending a funeral. A bright colored bonnet or shawl has a bright and festive appear- ance not in harmony with the solemnity of the occasion. For a gentleman to wear a light colored or straw hat is considered disrespectful, and black or dark clothes are most appropriate. Black gloves, of cloth, silk or thread, may be worn, in- stead of kid, in the deepest mourning, and for the first month no jewelry is worn. ETIQUETTE OF FUNERALS AND MOURNING. 139 The silks worn when in mourning should be lustre- less, and the ribbons without gloss. In the deepest mourning, trimmings of all kinds are omitted, but are permitted when the mourning is lightened. Handkerchiefs, with wide, black borders, may be carried in deep mourning, and those with narrower borders substituted as it is lightened. ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. LTHOUGH it is not true that *' dress makes the man," it is true that dress is an index of character, and as such by no means unimportant. Our first impression is pro- duced on strangers by the clothes we wear, and, as first impressions are often lasting, it is best that they should be favorable. A shabbily dressed man feels awkward and ill at ease, and a shabbily dressed woman still more so. Nature provides a suita- ble costume for plants and all animals, excepting man, but the "lords of creation" must devise their own cov- ering, and exercise their own taste in so doing. A due regard for etiquette would require every one to dress well and suitably for every occasion. To make the best appearance they can with the means at their command, is incumbent on both men and women. Women of tact know full well that even sensible men take pride in their wives' appearance. Careless and slovenly women lose thereby a measure of their influence, for men, as a rule, are not attracted by slatterns, and the most devoted wife can never be proud of a slovenly husband. It is prob- able that not only is dress an index of character, but it doubtless also influences the manner and disposition somewhat, so that mean and shabby clothing tends to give any one mean and shabby ways. " Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, But not expressed in fancy — rich not gaudy; For the apparel oft proclaims the man." ETIQUETTE OF DEESS. 141 But while all this is true, it is also true that for weak minds an inordinate love of dress is a dangerous pas- sion, and may easily become a curse. For the poor clerk's wife to try and rival, in richness of dress, the wealthy banker's, is so evidently foolish as to be apparent to all, and it is a great temptation to her husband to try and obtain in unlawful ways money with which to gratify her. Such women should know that extravagant dis- play is ill-bred and vulgar, as well as foolish. She who thoroughly understands her circumstances and adapts her dress thereto, displays both good taste and good sense. When two young people are beginning life to- gether on a small income, and they have their own way to make in the world, it should be the pride and de- light of the young wife to see how little she can spend on dress, and yet appear fresh and attractive. The French women have always been credited with the most genius for dress, and they do have an eye for the har- mony of colors and the fitness of things that puts the average English woman to the blush, but the Ameri- can women are little, if any, their inferiors in these regards. Many of our readers have, no doubt, noticed that the old word " gown " is coming into vogue again. It is applied to the outer garment usually worn by ladies, while the word " dress" is applied to the ioui eyisemble — the whole combination of the clothes. A few hints and general directions about dress may be given, as follows: Perfect neatness and cleanliness are of the first im- portance. It is said that refinement of character is never asso- ciated with vulgarity of dress. Study the society with which you expect to associate, and adapt your dress thereto. 142 ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. The pronounced and showy colors formerly worn, are not now allowable. Dress should be pleasant to look at, and should har- monize with the season of the year. A lavish display of jewelry and ostentatious cos- tumes are in bad taste. Extremely low-necked dresses — so low as to cause remark — are vulgar. A dress so perfectly in harmony with one's character and surroundings as to be unnoticed, is in the best of taste. She who thoroughly understands herself and her surroundings, and adapts her clothing thereto, always appears well dressed. To " out-Herod Herod " in going to the extreme of fashion, is in bad taste; it is equally so to disregard the prevailing style altogether. Tight lacing is going out of style at present, in all countries. Perfumes should be used in moderation, if at all. None but the best should ever be used, as cheap per- fumes are intolerable. As musk, patchoiily and sandal- wood make many sensitive persons ill, a due regard for the feelings of others would forbid their use. A competent authority on dress says: " Thin ladies can wear delicate colors, while stout, florid persons, look better in black or dark gray. For old, as well as young, however, the question of color must be determined by complexion and figure. Rich colors "harmonize with brunette complexions and dark hair; delicate colors, with persons of blonde hair and complexion." The usual gown for ladies of wealth and position should be of dark silk. Jewelry, flowers in caps, or hair ornaments, and light silk gowns, are not suitable for morning wear. Diamonds should be reserved for the evening. ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. 143 We offer the following hints in regard to the differ- ent styles of dress suitable for various occasions: THE EVENING DEESS FOR LADIES. The evening dress for ladies is worn at all festivities, and should, from first to last, be expressive of luxury. At all brilliant evening assemblies, the dress may be as rich and elegant as one chooses to make it. Incongru- ities, however, should be avoided. Jewelry may be worn, and the full dress costume, but dresses very low in the neck are in bad taste. The full evening dress is worn at balls, large dinners, and parties. The gown should be in the prevailing fashion, but as that con- stantly varies, we cannot give more explicit directions. BALL DRESS FOR LADIES. For the ball room the full dress should be worn. Those who dance should not wear heavy silks, but their dresses should be light and airy. For young people, gowns of light gossamer fabrics — net, tulle, or tarletan — are most appropriate, trimmed with ribbons or flow- ers. Flowers may be worn in the hair, and for young ladies the natural are more suitable than artificial ones. Chaperons and elderly ladies may wear the dress suita- ble for a dinner, and it need not be cut low in the neck, unless they prefer it, and then a lace scarf or shawl may be thrown over the shoulders. Jewelry never looks as well if pieces of different sets are worn together — such as a diamond brooch with emerald ear-rings or a necklace of pearls — and, therefore, the ornaments should match in character. Steele says that diamonds " may tempt a man to steal a woman, but never to love her," which may console those who do not own them. It is not in good taste for young ladies to decorate them- selves with any excess of jewelry at any time. 144 ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. DRESS FOR THE OPERA. The opera admits of elegant dressing; The evening gown may be worn, with ornaments in the hair instead of a bonnet. The lighter colored gowns are more pleas- ing, and add to the appearance of the house. At maii- n^es a bonnet is always worn, and it may be very ele- gant and dressy, when desired. DRESS FOR THE THEATRE. For the theatre any attempt at display is out of taste, and the dress should be plain. Either a hat or bonnet may be worn, but it is a pity the sensible habit of re- moving the hat could not be introduced, out of regard for those who sit in the rear. The promenade dress may be worn, with dark gloves to harmonize. DRESS FOR LECTURES AND CONCERTS. Lectures and concerts admit of somewhat more dis- play than the theatre. A silk gown, with some lace and jewelry, may be worn. The kid gloves should be light colored or white. DRESS FOR CHURCH. The dress for church may be rich in texture, but it should be simple and free from display. A church is the one place on earth where all classes should meet on an equal footing, and to flaunt one's elegant jewelry or dresses in the eyes of poorer or less fortunate people, while ostensibly worshipping Him who was so poor He had not where to lay His head, is manifestly in bad taste. Many wealthy and well-bred people recognize the propriety of plain dressing for church, and wear simple and unostentatious clothes at the house of God. Very little jewelry should be worn. ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. 145 THE OEDINAEY EVENING DRESS. The ordinary evening dress, when at home, should be becoming and tasteful. Any of the heavy woolen dress goods in winter, or lawns or grenadines for sum- mer, are appropriate, and silks are always suitable. Some jewelry may be worn, but diamonds should be reserved for occasions of more display. Bright ribbons may be worn at the throat and in the hair. The same dress is suitable to wear when making an evening call. DRESS FOE INFORMAL EVENING PARTIES. For an informal or social evening party, a little richer gown may be worn. Low-necked dresses are not usual on such occasions, but if they are worn, the shoulders should be covered with a lace scarf or shawl. High-necked and long-sleeved dresses are in better taste on such occasions. If gloves are worn, they should be light colored, but they may be worn or not, according to the taste of the individual. THE FULL DINNER DRESS. The full dinner dress is rich and elegant. Silks, satins and velvets, .trimmed with laces, are worn, and costly jewelry, but everything should harmonize. In the summer, light, rich goods may be worn. Young ladies wear lighter tints and materials than the elderly ladies. For dinner, all the light neutral tints are suita- ble, and dark blue, purple, black, dark green, brown and fawn color. ^ A hostess should never make an effort to outshine her guests, and her dress should therefore be subdued in tone. Plain jewelry is worn when the dinner is held in daylight, as diamonds are usually reserved for gas- light. 146 ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. DRESS FOR RECEIVING CALLS. Ladies who have special days for receptions, should wear quiet colors on those occasions, but the gown should be of silk, or other appropriate material. A lit- tle jewelry may be worn, but ostentation should be avoided. For New Year's, and other special occasions, the dress may be rich and elaborate, and full evening dress should be worn when the curtains are drawn and the gas lighted. A lady engaged in her household af- fairs, should receive casual callers in her morning dress, which should be plain and scrupulously neat, but they should never be kept waiting while a dress is changed. Receive them at once, or send word you are ''engaged," or "not at home." THE MORNING DRESS FOR HOME. A lady's morning dress should be simple and suited to the time of day. It may be inexpensive, but it must be exquisitely neat; the ribbons fresh, and the cuffs, collars, or ruches, clean and spotless. In summer, light morning dresses, of some material that will wash, are suited to young ladies, whether married or not. Much jewelry, or any light laces, are decidedly out of place, and so is an old " company gown," fur- bished up for the occasion. A little richer style of dress is admissible when visiting at a friend's house. For a late breakfast, and at a watering place, imita- tion lace is suitable, and a more luxurious style of dress. VISITING COSTUMES. The costumes worn for visiting, or for day receptions, are of richer material than walking suits. The taste of the wearer may be displayed in the bonnet, which may be either rich or simple, but should not be extravagantly ETIQUETTE OE DEESS, 147 fine. In summer all sliould be cool, bright, agreeable to the eye, and pleasant to wear; and in winter, a sliawl, velvet jacket, or fiii^ trimmed mantle, may accompany tlie carriage visiting dress. XOEXIXG DEESS EOE CaEEI>'G. For morning calls, the most appropriate dress is of black or neuti^al tint, with a sparing nse of colors. The walking di'ess may be worn, or the carriage dress, when accompanied by the carriage. Light colored gloves are invariably worn when paying calls, except by persons in deep mourning. DEESSiyCr EOE WaEEIXG. Walking salts may be simple, snbstantial and qniet in color, and they should not be worn so long as to sweep the sidewalk. In the country they should be sti^ong and tasteful, but in the city more richness is ad- missible. Thick boots are now, fortunately, fashionable, so that a little mud is not a terror. Fine laces and elab- orate gowns should never be worn on the street — they should be kept for balls and full dress occasions. Neither should a '•' dressy " hat be worn on the street, but the hat or bonnet should be plain, and should match the gown as nearly as possible. The waterproof cloaks, now so common, are much less troublesome than an umbrella. DEESSIXG EOE DEFTrS'G. The dress for di'iving is very different from the walk- ing dress. Light colored silks, long skii'ts, lace parasols and feathery hats, are suitable for a carriage ride through a park or the streets of a city, and rich fnrs may be worn in winter. In the country, or where the 148 ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. dust and mud would soil the clothes, a plain and simple dress should be worn. For the top of a coach, where it is now so popular and fashionable for ladies of certain " sets " to ride, a plain and serviceable suit is in every way preferable to the elaborate and showy dresses so often worn. The Princess of Wales lately showed her usual good taste by appearing on top of a coach in Lon- don in a suit of navy-blue flannel. Those young ladies who appear on the top of a coach in a costume fit only for a ball room, display ignorance of the fitness of things, and need not complain if they are subjected to ridicule, or made the butt of caricaturists. Both good sense and good taste would dictate a modest and service- able costume for such a place. DEESSING FOE EIDING. For horseback riding, the dress should be made of broad -cloth or waterproof. The former is the most stylish, but the latter is better for service. Lighter cos- tumes may be worn in summer. To prevent the skirts from being blown by the wind, they should be weighted by having shot sewed in at the bottom of the left hand breadths. It is an excellent idea to wear the riding skirt over another of the usual length, so that in case of acci- dent the riding skirt may be slipped off, and yet leave the rider properly dressed. The habit should fit per- fectly and button nearly to the throat, and a linen col- lar, with a pretty neck-tie, is worn. The sleeves come to the wrist, with linen cuffs beneath them. Strong leather gloves, with gauntlets, are worn, and the whip is light and plain. The hat should be in the prevailing fashion, but no long veil should be worn to flaunt in the wind. Embroidery and laces should never be worn with a riding habit. ETIQUETTE OE DKESS. DEESSIXG FOR TEAYELIXG. 149 The traveling costume should be made for service and free from superfluous ornament, for nothing is so hard on ordinary clothing as traveling. A linen duster may be worn to protect the clothes in summer, and a waterproof in winter. Dark or neutral tints, that do not show the dust, should be worn, rather than any light colored fabrics- White is never worn to travel in. Ladies going a short distance in the cars for a brief visit, may wear any dress suitable for the occasion, and their fresh, airy costumes, are often objects of envy to excursionists in travel-stained and dusty raiment. The hat should be plainly trimmed and protected from the dust by a veil. The experienced traveler looks out for comfort and provides a waterproof, and a shawl or wrap in cold weather. It is better to have trunks large enough to hold all your things, with a hand valise to hold the few articles needed on the journey, than to burden yourself or others with a lot of small packages. DRESS EOE LADIES OE BUSINESS. There are so many avenues now open in which ladies may earn a livelihood, that we have a large class of business women. Their dress should be made with special reference to comfort and a fi-ee use of theii' bodies. The colors should be plain, and while the dress may be valuable, it should not be heavily trimmed. Excessive display, or ornamentation, is out of place. While engaged in business, quiet colors should be worn, and display avoided, reserving the rich and elegant clothes for their appropriate occasion. Little jewelry should be worn, and the hat should be tasty, but with- out many flowers or feathers. 150 ETIQUETTE OF DRESS- DRESS FOR LAWN PARTIES, ETC. The dress for lawn parties, bazaars, promenade con- certs and flower shows, may be bright and gay, and even coquettish. Much taste and elegance may be dis- played. A dressy bonnet or hat may be worn, and the whole costume made as effective as possible. Young ladies wear light and fine materials, which harmonize with their character, while elderly ladies wear silks, or other handsome material, richly trimmed with lace, and a lace scarf or shawl may also be worn. DRESS FOR YACSTING. Yachting suits should be warm and made of some durable material, such as serge or tweed, that will not be easily spoiled by a little salt water. DRESS FOR PICNICS, EXCURSIONS, ETC. For picnics, excursions, or the sea shore, the suits should be made of strong and useful material. Some- thing that will wash, or that will look well at the end of a hard day's jaunt, is more serviceable than any light and flimsy material that will easily tear or become soiled. DRESS FOR CROQUET PARTIES, ETC. The dress for croquet, archery and skating parties, may be brilliant in color and short enough to admit of freedom of movement. A stout boot may be worn, but it should fit neatly. For archery and croquet, soft and pliable gloves should be worn, and a hat that will shield the face from the rays of the sun. For skating, velvet and furs and warm clothing should be worn, and fur- trimmed gloves. The dress should indicate warmth and comfort. Tight shoes will give cold feet. ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. 151 BATHIXG COSTUME. For a bathing costume flannel is the best material. Various colors are worn, but blue and grey are the best, and the trimming may be bright worsted braid. An oil- silk cap may be worn to protect the hair from the salt water. It is hardly necessary for us to say that no mod- est, well-bred w^oman, will wear the close fitting and ab- breviated costumes sometimes seen, alas! with too evident an intent to display one's charms. The legs and sleeves should be long, the neck high, and the costume loose and full. THE WEDDIXG DRESS. The wedding dress should always be white, whether of silk, satin, or other material. The bridal veil seems to be a survival of an old Anglo-Saxon custom, of having four tall men hold a large, square cloth over the bride during the ceremony, to hide her blushes. The bridal veil has now become an essential feature of weddings, and must always be w^hite and long. It may, or may not, cover the face. White satin slippers are w^orn, and white kid gloves, although the latter are sometimes omitted. The bridal wreath is often made of orange blossoms, which are considered the most appropriate for that purpose, and the other flowers carried by the bride should be white. As orange blossoms are often difficult to procure, other natural flowers frequently take their place. Myrtle leaves are very appropriate, and are sometimes' worn, as they are emblematic of mar- riage. The bridal robe is often adorned with gar- lands of artificial flowers, although, of course, natural flowers are preferable. Jewelry should not be worn, unless it be diamonds or pearls. Widows, on remarrying, wear light neutral tints, but never white, and they always omit the orange blossoms. 152 ETIQUETTE OF DEESS. At strictly private weddings, when the bride starts at once on her wedding tour, she is married in her trav- eling suit. It is sometimes more heavily trimmed than an ordinary traveling suit, but to avoid attracting atten- tion it is better to have it plain. THE DRESS FOR BRIDESMAIDS. The bridesmaids commonly dress in white, but more variety is allowed in their dress than in that of the bride. Veils may be worn, but they should always fall entirely down the back, and should never be as long as that of the bride. Usually all the bridesmaids dress alike. Sometimes, however, they wear gowns of the primary colors, one blue, one pink, one red, and one yellow; but white, of some material less expensive than the bride's costume, is most suitable It is not proper for a brides- maid to wear a finer gown than the bride. The bouquets may be of colored flowers. Neither the bride nor her bridesmaids wear anything over their shoulders, except their dresses and veils. DRESS SUITABLE FOR WEDDINGS. The older guests at a wedding should wear rich and handsome gowns, but, of course, black or mourning cos- tumes are not in harmony with such an occasion. The young ladies, other than the bridesmaids, should wear any dainty material, as light colored silks, or fine mus- lins. Children, when present, are dressed in muslin and lace, with bright ribbons, if girls, and the boys in some fancy costume. DRESS SUITABLE FOR WEDDING RECEPTIONS. If the wedding reception is held in the evening, the guests should wear full evening dresses. At the recep- ETIQUETTE OF DEESS. 153 tion, as at the wedding, mourning costumes should never be worn by guests; the bride and bridesmaids may wear the wedding suits. If the reception is held in the morning, handsome promenade costumes may be worn, and white gloves. MOURNING DEESSES. For mourning dresses, and the periods of mourning, see the article on " Etiquette of Funerals and Mourn- ing." GLOVES FOR LADIES. Ladies wear gloves when riding or driving, calling, shopping, at the theatre or opera, at church, at balls and receptions. Any tint may be worn when shopping, calling, or at church. Delicate shades should be worn at evening parties, and white gloves at balls. Gloves are not worn at dinner. ETIQUETTE OF DEESS FOE GENTLEMEN. The subject of dress is not considered so important by gentlemen as by ladies, and yet no real gentleman is indifferent to his dress and personal appearance. A few general hints in regard to their dress may be offered, as follows: The true gentleman is scrupulously neat and clean. Collars and cuffs should be faultlessly white, and the clothes well brushed. H. H. (Helen Hunt) once said to a friend of the writer (who was then a little boy playing with her son): " There are three things a gentleman will always do — he will keep his boots nicely blacked, his teeth clean, and his finger nails clean." Hair oils and pomades are not used now, as formerly. They are considered vulgar, and they certainly are not 154 ETIQUETTE OF DRESS- cleanly. No gentleman should use hair dye. It de- ceives no one, and it makes the features look coarse. Clothes of some plain color are always in the best taste, and so are white collars and cuffs and shirt bosoms. The fancy striped and spotted shirts and collars are sometimes worn in summer, but they always look a lit- tle rowdyish. Let bar-tenders, gamblers and sporting men, mon- opolize the extravagant displays of jewelry. As a rule, wear no jewelry that is not useful. Shirt studs, cuff buttons, a scarf pin, a watch chain, and one ring, are about all the jewelry allowed to gentlemen, and these should be plain, and not too showy. Don't saturate your clothing with perfumery. Josh Billings once shrewdly said, that " the best perfume he knew of for a man came from perfect cleanliness." The English rule, which is generally adopted here, is, that the full dress suit should never be worn earlier than a six o'clock dinner. The French rule of wearing the dress suit on all ceremonious occasions, whenever they occur, is not accepted in America. The dressing gown should never be worn at the table, nor anywhere outside of the dressing room, or sick room. Finally, don't dress like a '*dude," or a "swell," nor carry a little poodle dog (a man's glory is in his strength and manliness — not in aping silly girls), nor cock your hat on one side, nor tip it back on your head (let it sit straight and square), nor wear anything conspicuous or that will make you offensive to others. THE EVENING DRESS FOR GENTLEMEN. The full evening dress for gentlemen has long been the same, and varies little from year to year. It con- ETIQUETTE 01 DEESS 155 sists of a dress or "swallow-tail"" coat, black trousers and Test, the latter cut low, and cravat and gloves, either white or some very light tint. The shirt front must always be white and immaculate. The shiit studs and sleeve buttons plain and simple. The haii' should be neatly combed and trimmed — but not so short as to re- semble a prize fighter, nor so long as to suggest the 'Mvild. untamed savage,"" in a dime museum. The eve- ning dress is worn at balls, large dinner-parties, and the opera. It is never worn at church, nor anywhere else on Sunday. In small towns, or where the full evening dress is considered an affectation, it should not be worm '•At Eome do as the Eomans do/' The regulation evening dress is the same throughout the world, but many gentlemen seem ignorant of the dictates of eti- quette in regard to wearing it. The French rule is, to wear it on all ceremonious occasions, but the uniform English and American custom forbids its use at a morn- ing reception, or anywhere before six o'clock. Gentle- men should be careful not to array themselves in such a suit on improper occasions. THE XOEXIXG- DEESS EOE GEXTLEMEX. The morning dress consists of a black frock cut-away coat, black vest, or white in summer, light colored trous- ers, and silk or Derby hat, and a black tie. A white tie should not be worn with a fi'ock coat. A light coat with black trousers is never allowable, and a fi'ock coat with black trousers is considered in bad taste. The morn- ing and evening di-ess should be kept quite distinct fi'om each other, and no attempt made to combine them. The morning dress is worn at church, at morning recep- tions, social parties, kettledrums, garden parties, when making calls, and at places of amusement. 156 ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. THE DRESS OF GENTLEMEN FOR WEDDINGS. At morning weddings ( that is all weddings before six p. M.) the gentlemen, including the bridegroom and "best man," wear the regular morning dress. The bridegroom and " best man " may wear gloves or not, but light colored gloves should be worn, if any, and also light tinted ties are then expected. If a formal recep- tion is held in the evening, gentlemen may wear the full evening dress, and, of course, the evening dress may be worn at an evening wedding, that is, one after six p. M., but not at any wedding held before that hour. GLOVES FOR GENTLEMEN. Gentlemen wear gloves in the street, when riding or driving, at church and places of amusement, when mak- ing calls, at balls, receptions and evening parties. Gloves are never worn at dinner, and not usually in the coun- try. Any shade may be worn at church or places of amusement, or when calling. Delicate tints are most appropriate for evening parties, and white gloves are worn at balls. Ungloved hands are preferable to worsted, or cotton gloves, which are not allowable for gentlemen at any time. THE HAEMONY OF COLOES. In considering the subject of dress, the harmony of colors must be taken into account, and also the size and surroundings of the wearer. If two colors, which do not harmonize, are worn at the same time, the effect is discordant and unpleasant. So, also, children may be appropriately dressed in bright colors, w^hile the old look best in dark and neutral tints. Again, the com- plexion of the wearer must be considered. Bright col- ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. 157 ors, like scarlet and orange, look well on a brunette, harmonizing well with her complexion, while a blonde looks best in delicate tints, such as light blue, mauve, and pea-green. Not only are the colors important, but the size and figure of the wearer should be considered. Thus, a small person should not wear large figures, plaids or stripes; indeed, pronounced figures and broad stripes, or plaids, which render the wearer conspicuous, are never in the best of taste. Stripes on a tall, slim per- son, will increase her apparent height, while a short, thick-set lady, should avoid flounces, or any horizontal trimming of the dress, which will only seem to increase her size. Such persons should wear quiet colors, and not indulge in much drapery, while full draperies may be worn by tall and slender ladies. For the convenience of our readers, we give a quite full list of the colors that harmonize, which they may find convenient for reference: Black harmonizes well with pink ; lilac ; scarlet ; maize ; slate color ; orange, a rich harmony ; white, a perfect harmony ; brown, a doll harmony ; drab or buff : white or yellow and crimson ; orange, blue and scarlet ; cho- colate-brown ; yellow, bronze and light blue ; cardinal , blue and old gold brown . Blue harmonizes well with black ; gold, a rich harmony ; orange, a perfect har- mony ; chestnut ; maize ; straw color : white ; fawn color, weak harmony; stone color ; drab ; lilac, weak harmony ; crimson, imperfectly ; pink, poor harmony ; salmon color, scarlet and purple or lilac ; orange and black ; pink and bronze green ; cardinal and old gold ; yellow, chocolate- brown and gold ; mulberry and yellow. Bronze harmonizes well with old gold ; pink and light blue ; black, blue, pink and gold ; cardinal and peacock blue. Brown should be carefully studied . Beautiful in the different shades, it blends with few colors. It will combine well with soft drabs and grays, and is very effective in the different shades. A light brown, trimmed or made up with brown of a darker shade, is very handsome. It also harmonizes with blue, gray, cardinal and yellow. Crimson harmonizes with gold, a rich harmony ; orange, a rich harmony : brown, a dull harmony ; black, a dull harmony ; drab ; maize ; purple. Cardinal harmonizes with old gold ; brown and black ; navy blue. 168 ETIQUETTE OF DRESS. Chocolate harmonizes with blue, pink and gold. Claret harmonizes with old gold. Drab harmonizes well with blue ; red ; brown ; and light drab with yellow and white. Ecru harmonizes with bronze, peacock and light blue. Garnet harmonizes with bronze and pink . Gen d'arme harmonizes with cardinal ; bronze ; myrtle ; old gold , yellow and cardinal ; pink, cardinal and lavender. Gray harmonizes well with blue ; red ; lilac, poorly ; maroon. Green is very effective with white or black, and also with its own different shades, as a pale green silk or satin, with velvet or plush of a darker shade. It harmonizes well with scarlet ; orange ; yellov7 ; crimson, blue and gold, or yellow; blue and scarlet ; gold and mulborry; cardinal. Lilac harmonizes with white, poor ; gray, poor ? maize ; cherry ; gold, or gold color ; crimson ; scarlet, and white or black ; gold color and crimson ; yellow or gold, scralet and white. Myrtle harmonizes with old gold ; bronze ; red, blue and yellow ; mulberry, cardinal, gold and light green. Mulberry harmonizes with old gold ; gold ; bronze ; pearl. Mode harmonizes with pearl and mulberry. Maroon harmonizes with yellow, silvery gray and light green. Navy blue harmonizes with light blue and gold ; gen d'arme and pearl ; maize, cardinal and yellow. Orange harmonizes with bronze, agreeable ; chestnut ; lilac and crimson ; red and green ; purple and scarlet ; blue, scarlet and claret, and white and green ; blue and crimson. Pearl harmonizes with light blue and peacock blue. Pink is very effective when skillfully combined with other colors °, and, as is the case with blue and lavender, will transform an old white or black cash- mere or nun's veiling, or any soft wool dress, into a pretty evening toilet. Do not use too much of it, but let it show in facings, linings, in under side of pleats, in ribbons, etc . Pink combines prettily with all shades of olive or bronze. Purple should be worn sparingly in connection with other colors. Light shades may be worn with darker, and with the greens and yellows it combines very effectively. It also harmonizes with maize ; blue ; orange, rich ; black, heavy; white cold; scarlet and gold color; scarlet and white: scarlet, blue and orange ; scarlet, blue, yellow and black. Red harmonizes with white or gray ; orange and green ; yellow or gold color and black : olive ; drab ; slate and stone colors ; pearl ; bronze ; dark blues ; black and white. Sapphire harmonizes with bronze ; old gold ; cardinal ; light blue ; light pink ; corn ; garnet ; mulberry. Scarlet harmonizes with blue ; slate color ; orange ; blue and white : blue and yellow ; black and white ; shaded garnet and shaded gold. White harmonizes well with delicate blue, pink or lavender, and also with most oE the other colors, as cherry ; crimson ; brown ; scarlet ; gold color, poor. Yellow harmonizes well with black ; brown ; red ; chestnut or chocolate ; white, poor ; purple, agreeable ; violet ; lilac, weak ; dark blue ; crimson ; pur- ple and crimson ; purple, scarlet and blue ; maroon ; wine color ; and black. DINNER PARTIES. HE subjects of eating and dressing doubt- less occupy more of the attention of man- kind than any others. Savages, in t^ieir " struggle for existence," think much of what they shall eat, or, rather, what they can get to eat, but the manner of eating it gives them little concern, and they greedily devour their food. Civilized men, however, carefully consider not only what they shall eat, but, also, how they shall eat it, or the manners of the table. It would be interesting to trace the art of dining through its various phases. In olden times our ancestors carved their food with their hunting knives, and the joints, in their transit from the kitchen to the dining hall, had to be guarded by ushers, who, with rods, beat off the " letchers " as they attempted to seize the dinner from the cooks. The Anglo-Saxons lived largely on bread, and hence the domestic was called a " loaf -eater," and the lady of the house the " loaf -giver." The bread was baked in large, flat cakes, which the superstitious cooks marked with a cross, to preserve them from the perils of the fire! Milk, butter and cheese, were also eaten in those days, and bacon was the principal meat. Roasted meat was served on the spit, or rod, on which it was cooked, and the guest tore or cut off a piece to suit himself. A spoon was furnished each guest, and he used his hunting knife, which he drew from his belt, but forks were undreamed of. What need was there for forks when men had (160) DIXXZK PAETIES, 161 fingers — and used them? Before dinner was served, and again at its close, a servant passed a basin of water and a towel to each, guest. Under the circumstances the need was apparent, and this was doubtless the origin of the modern finger-bowl. There has been a steady advance from those times to the luxurious dinner table of the present day, and the studied and easy manners of the guests. A better ex- ample of the constantly changing and growing refine- ment of manners could hardly be found, but we have not space to fttrther discuss the subject here. The growth of luxury in the last few years is strikingly illus- trated in the preparations for a modern dinner party, the whole world being often ransacked for novelties and delicacies. A thousand dollars is no unusual price for a single dinner for one or two dozen guests, and occa- sionally ten. or even twenty times that amount is spent. But rare dishes and choice wines will by no means en- sure an enjoyable dinner, and the great majority of dinner givers greatly over-estimate their importance. Quite as much ( the writer has frequently thought more j real pleasure is often derived from the modest enter- tainments given by those in moderate circumstances, as from the ostentatious affairs given by the very rich, — which may console some of our not over-wealthy readers. The three essentials to a successful dinner are, good company, good waiters, and good cooking. THE I^'VITATIOXS. The invitations should be sent ten days or two weeks in advance. They are issued in the name of both host and hostess, and after the form given in our chapter on " Invitations, Acceptances and Eegrets" (which see). Whether written or engraved, they should be on the finest note paper, with envelopes to match. The paper 162 DINNER PARTIES. should be plain and free from all ornaments, unless there be an initial or monogram stamped upon it. Seven o'clock, or from seven to eight, is the most usual hour for dinner in this country. Invitations, and acceptances or regrets, are sent by messenger, unless the distance makes it very inconvenient to do so, when the post may be used. An invitation to dinner is the highest social compliment, and should be answered im- mediately, and in the most formal manner, as given in A the chapter on " Invitations" (which see). It is better to decline than to accept, if in doubt about being able fco attend. If accepted, the engagement must be scru- pulously kept. If sickness, or other unforeseen cause, prevents attendance after having accepted an invitation, the hostess should be notified at the earliest possible moment, so that she may make other arrangements. When a verbal invitation is given, the plain infer- ence is, that it is to be an informal afPair, with plain dressing, a small company, and early hours. THE NUMBER AND WHOM TO INVITE. The question of whom to invite will cause much de- liberation. While dinners are usually regarded as entertainments for married people, a few young persons will often add to its interest. Those invited should be of the same social standing, and a hostess with tact will be careful not to invite those who are known to be ene- mies, or who are disagreeable to each other, at the same time. Such persons can be invited on different occa- sions, and thus the feelings of both will be spared. Those invited need not necessarily be acquainted ; the invitation may offer them a good opportunity to become so. Then, too, the conversational powers of the guests should be considered. Some good talkers, and some DINNER PARTIES. 163 good listeners, should be invited, and they should be so cleverly selected that they will affiliate readily. Then, again, the number to invite must be consid- ered. The old saw is, that the number should not be less than the Graces (three), nor more than the Muses (nine); but nine would bring four on one side of the table and three on the other, and either number would leave one odd lady or gentleman. Evidently no worse numbers than these could be selected. Many people also have a superstition (unfounded beyond doubt) that if thirteen meet at table one will die within a year. The sensible hostess must decide the number to invite, and the size of the dining room and table will be taken into the account. It is wise to test the table, so that no more will be invited than can be seated comfortably. To try and squeeze sixteen in, where only fourteen can be comfortable, is not pleasant. For a small dinner, ten is a good number. When four, eight, twelve, sixteen, or other numbers divisible by four, are invited, two gen- tlemen and two ladies must sit together, when the host and hostess sit at the head and foot of the table, which has always been the objection to these numbers, but the guests can be easily arranged if the numbers six, ten, fourteen, eighteen, etc., are invited. Never invite a gentleman without his wife, nor a lady without her husband. There are exceptions to all rules, and to this the exception would be an emergency im- peratively demanding another guest, and great intimacy of the parties. No more than three are invited from the same family. THE TABLE APPOINTMENTS. The French and the Russian methods of serving din- ners are the two principal styles. In the French method the dishes are set on the table just as they are cooked. 164 DINNER PARTIES. and are carved and served by the host and hostess ; while in the Russian method they are carved and served by the servants, leaving the host and hostess free to engage in conversation. The usual plan of serving all formal dinners at pres- ent is a la Eusse (the Russian style); that is, the ser- vants pass everything. The table cloth should always be white, and of some material that will tvash. It may be plain damask, or some elaborate open work pattern, but no one can go astray in using damask. The plan of putting a colored cloth underneath an embroidered one, to show off the open work, is thought by many to be inelegant, and is of questionable taste. It is always a good plan to spread cotton-flannel, or white felt, over the table, before putting on the table cloth. In decorating the table few rules can be given, as it is so largely a matter of taste, but one very popular form is to have a small silver-edged mirror in the centre of the table, either round or oval, on which rests a cut- glass bowl, holding a carelessly arranged bunch of roses and buds and maiden-hair ferns. This centre decora- tion is not removed during the meal, and its prevailing- color dominates the plate bouquets and the decorations of the room. The table decorations should be so low that people on opposite sides of the table can readily see over them, or so high that they can see under them, never obstruct- ing the view of the guests. Flowers that have a strong fragrance, like the tuberose, jasmine and hyacinth, are not as suitable as pinks, violets, roses, etc., which please the eye without emitting too strong an odor. A very popular style of ornamentation is a low, flat, round or oblong centre piece, with bouquets at each corner which correspond with the central design. There is almost no limit to the figures and designs in which flowers, fruits DINNER PARTIES. 166 and mosses may be arranged, to add to the beauty and attractiveness of the table. In these days almost any known flower can be supplied at any season of the year, if the florist is only notified early enough that it will be wanted. Those of moderate means can produce most graceful ornaments with wild ferns, moss and bark, if only they have a little taste in arranging them. Flowers that are wilted can be restored to freshness by cutting their stems andanserting them in water that is very hot. Preserved in this way, they can sometimes be kept bright for a week, which is much better than throwing them away at the first symptoms of fading. At each lady's plate there may be a small bouquet, and at each gentleman's, two or three flowers for a but- ton-hole bouquet or hoidonniere. Flowers are so often wilted by the heat and light that they should not be put on the table until immedi- ately before serving the dinner. For lighting the table, candles and lamps are now often used instead of gas, following an English fashion. Elegant branching chandelabra and beautiful lamps are used, but too much light on the table dazzles the guests, and it is better to have much of the light come from chandeliers and the sides of the room. The ventilation of the room should be carefully looked after, as the lights often over-heat it. A. carpet should be on the floor to deaden the sound of feet. If one of the tissue paper shades, now so common, takes fire, it is so light that it will burn itself out without harm if left alone, but an attempt to blow it out may spread the flames to other shades. Carafes^ or water bottles, are placed for every three or four persons, and a salt cellar for each one. The napkins are folded square, or else in a sort of triangle, and each one holds a small, thick piece of bread. This 166 DINNEE PAKTIES. bread should never be in slices, but always in thick short pieces, say an inch thick and three inches long. The napkins should never have anything to suggest the " hotel " in their appearance, and they should be large, fine and serviceable. They should on no account be stiff with starch, nor folded in any novel device whatever — that is "hotel style." ' At each plate there are usually placed two knives, three forks and a soup spoon, and a small knife and fork for fish, and a small "oyster-fork" for oysters. The kniv family, or between lovers, but in such cases it is hardly good form to become silly and use effusive terms of endearment. Some judgment is necessary in deciding between the use of "Sir" and "Dear Sir." In addressing strangers, nothing is lost by assuming modesty, but an assumption of too much familiarity will almost certainly give offense. " Dear Sir " is considered a graceful manner of addressing an inferior, but "Sir" is more respectful for the first advance, or when addressing a superior, or when soliciting a favor. After an acquaintance is estab- lished, "Dear Sir" is usually more appropriate. " Honored Sir " and " Eespected Sir " are now some- what antiquated, but are occasionally used in addressing a person of advanced years, or by a poor person to a rich and powerful one, or in addressing a benefactor who has conferred great favors on the writer. For the proper formulas for addressing people with titles, see a full explanation further on in this article. In England, by the way, it is not good form to give the address of the party written to before the " Sir " or " Dear Sir," as is customary in America. In addressing an unmarried lady the formula is, "Dear Miss Brown," or ''My dear Miss Brown," but among relatives or near friends the formula is often "Dear Mary," or "My dear Mary:" but of course the latter salutations are not proper between those who are only slightly acquainted. In business letters to unmar- ried ladies, to avoid the somewhat unpleasant repetition of the name, it is a frequent form to begin the letter at once after giving the name and residence thus: Miss Julia Bobbins^ Rochester, N. Y. Your favor of the 21st inst. is received, and, in reply, I would say, etc. LETTERS AND NOTES. 391 We have not in the English language any designa- tion for an unmarried lady similar to the French Mademoiselle. It would be a great convenience if we had. We give a few examples of the usual forms of intro- ductions to letters. A good form for a business letter would be as follows: Messrs. Jones, Warwick & Co.., Philadelphia, Pa. Gentlemen : Your telegram of the 10th inst,, etc. Or, where the full address is given, three lines would be occupied, as follows: Mr. John Rogers, 19 Temple Place, Cincinnati, Ohio. Dear Sir: I beg to acknowledge the receipt, etc. A letter to a married lady would begin thus : Mrs. A. G. Hooker, Boston, Mass. Dear Madam. We send you to-day, etc. In social correspondence the full address of the party written to is not given, and the introduction would be as follows: My dear Daughter, — I have just returned from, etc. Or a lady might address a gentleman thus: Dear Mr. Jones,— I saio Mrs. Williams this morning, etc. 392 LETTERS AND NOTES. Addressing a married lady the salutation would be: My dear Mrs. Black — Can you meet 7ne to-morrow, etc. Or an unmarried lady as follows: Dear Miss Johnston, — / expect to leave the city Friday, etc. The forms of introduction are well established and should be followed in all correspondence. They give a finish to the letter, and show the writer's familiarity with the best social forms. In writing the introduction each line begins a little further to the right of the sheet, in giving the address ; but when the salutation "Dear Sir," or whatever it maybe, is given, it should begin near the left of the sheet, although it is below the third line. The only reason for this is that it improves the appearance of the letter. The punctuation is fully explained hereafter under the head of " Hints on Punctation." THE CONCLUSION. The conclusion consists of the complim.entary close and the signature, and sometimes of the address, when that is given at the close instead of the introduction of the letter. The conclusion and signature to a letter should always correspond with its introduction. Thus, a letter to a daughter, beginning " My dear Daughter," would not be signed " Yours respectfully, Mary B. Williams," nor would a business letter beginning " Dear Sir," be concluded with " Yours afiectionately." The tone of a letter should be uniform throughout, and all its parts should harmonize. LETTEKS AND NOTES. 393 The usual forms of conclusion for business letters are "Yours truly," ''Yours very truly," or "Very truly yours," " Eespectf ully," "Yoars respectfully," "Very respectfully yours," etc. Some people begin each word of the complimentary conclusion with a capital, as, for example, " Yours Very Truly," or Yours Eespectfully ; " but the more correct form is to capitalize only the fii'st word, thus, " Yours very truly," or " Y'ours respect- fully," The old formal conclusions, such as, " I have the honor to be, my dear Sir, your very obedient ser- vant," and similar ceremonious forms, are out of date and are not used except in formal communications. Friendly and social letters conclude with such forms as "Yours very truly," "Yours sincerely,'' "Yours cordially," ''Faithfully yours," "Yours affectionately," "Your affectionate niece," and so on, according to the degree of intimacy existing between the parties. We have been asked whether or no a lady should use the prefix "Miss" or "Mrs." in signing her name. The rule has been, and is, that she should not. One authority says: "A lady signing her name in letters, documents, writings of a literary character, or in any way, must sign her own name (not that of her husband), with no prefix." This rule has long been well estab- lished in English society, so that no well-informed lady there would think of asking the question; thus, the signature would always be "Julia M. Higgins," and never " Mrs. George W. Higgins." At tho same time, when writing to strangers^ some clue ought always to be given, by which the correspondent can know whether she is replying to a "Miss " or " Mrs." Every one who has had much miscellaneous correspondence with ladies must have felt, at times, the painful uncertainty about whether to address her new correspondent as "Miss Julia Brown" or "Mrs. Julia Brown " LETTERS AND NOTES. The writer knew a lady who was highly indignant at receiving a letter addressed to her as "Mrs. Fannie Smith," when it should have been " Miss Fannie Smith;" and yet she had written a letter of inquiry to a stranger and signed her letter simply Fannie Smith;" and, in answering, the writer had to guess whether she was a "Miss" or "Mrs.," and, as the event proved, guessed wrong. Now, to prevent these perplexing uncertainties, a lady in addressing a stranger ought always to give information on this point. The proper way to do this is to give the correct address in another line, signing the letter as follows: Respectfully yours, Mary Hudson, Address Mrs. Mary B. Hudson^ Arlington^ III. Or, Very respectfully yours, Helen Wright. Address Miss Helen Wright, Guildford, Vt, This will prevent all misunderstanding. When the date is given at the conclusion of the letter, as is often done in social letters, the following is the form: Yours sincerely, Hattie Meacham. Sandusky, Ohio, Aug. 5, 1890. LETTERS AND NOTES. 395 When the name of the party addi^essed is given at the conclusion of the letter, the following is the form: Very truly yours, H. M. Hooker. To Mr. Charles B. HilL University of Virginia, Charlottsville, Va. In business letters, certainly in those to strangers, the Miss" or "Mrs." may be placed in a parenthesis, before the name, for the information of the corres- pondent, as in the following example: Yours respectfully, (Jliss) Susan Brown. Or, Respectfully yours, {Mrs.) Hattie B, Jones. It is never allowable for an American gentleman to add " Hon.," or any other similar title, to his signature. Their titles are never written before their names by distinguished foreigners. In formal and official letters the conclusion assumes a more formal tone. The usual conclusion for very formal letters is, — "I have the honor to be, Sir (or Madam), your obedient (or humble, or both ) servant;" or, "I have the honor to be, Sir, with the highest respect, your obedient, humble servant." The concluding sentence of a formal or friendly letter is usually some graceful expression of respect or esteem, like the foUo-^dng, for example: " Eegretting my inability' to comply with your request, I have the * honor to be, Sir, with the highest esteem;" or, ''Accept, dear Madam, the homage of my profound respect;" 396 LETTEES AND NOTES. or, *'I beg yon, Madam, to receive the assurance of my respectful attachment;" or, ^'With feelings of the deepest sympathy, I remain," etc.; or, "Permit me to assure you of my tenderest friendship." The forms are numerous, but the idea is to close with some appropriate expression of sympathy, attachment or respect. ILLUSTRATIONS OF THE OPENING AND CLOSING OE LETTERS. A little observation will soon familiarize any one with the well-recognized forms of correspondence, but for the benefit of such of our readers as may be still in doubt, we will give a few forms, showing the date, intro- duction and conclusion combined, and showing, also, what we mean by having the conclusion correspond with the introduction: A business letter would take the following form: Allegan, Mich. Oct. 6, 1888. Mr. John R. Briggs, 475 Blanchard Ave., Philadelphia, Pa. Dear Sir: Yours respectfully, J. M. Locke. A lady would be addressed as follows: Freemont, O., Nov. 15, 1888. Mrs. Mary Ross, Ottumwa, Iowa. Dear Madam: Very respectfully, Henry B. Weeks. LETTERS AND NOTES. 397 A friendly letter would be somewhat as follows: Eockford, III, Jan. 10, 1889. My dear Brown: •5|& To Clergymen: — Commence, — "Reverend Sir: " conclude, — " I have the honor to be, Reverend Sir, your obedient [or humble] servant." Address a letter, — " To Rev. John Jones [then add *D. D.,' or * LL. D.,' or both, if he is entitled to them, or address him as " Rev. Dr. Jones."] In addressing a clergyman whose christian name is unknown, the form is " Rev. Mr. Jones," when, if his name was known, it would be " Rev. John Jones." LETTEES AND NOTES. 417 One clergyman writing to another -with whom he has Httle acquaintance beyond being in the same profession, frequently adopts the form, " Eev. and dear Sir." After exchanging one or two letters, he adopts the " Dear Sir," MISCELLANEOUS TITLES. Various titles of a miscellaneous character are used in addressing letters and notes of invitation, and we offer the follow- ing list, which will include most titles of that kind: His Excellency and Mrs. J. A. Garfield. Governor and Mrs. Kichard Oglesby. Hon. and Mrs. William M. Evarts. Rev. (or Rev. Dr.) and Mrs. Leonard W. Bacon. Professor and Mrs. J. H. Mather. Dr. and Mrs. W. O. Brown. If the wife also has a title, one of the following may be the form: Drs. Geo. H. and Ellen O. Howard. Rev. O. B. and Mrs. Dr. J. E. Frost. Mr. W. H. and Mrs, Dr. H. F. Briggs. In addressing a lady alone the following are the forms: Mrs. Rev. John W. Sampson. Rev. Mrs. Geo. Stone, or Rev. Mrs. Julia F. Stone. Rev. Miss Abbey S. Smith, or Rev. Abbey S. Smith. Miss Dr. Mary B. Cole, or Dr. Mary B. Cole. His Eminence is applied to a Cardinal. His Grace is applied to an Archbishop. Right Rev. is applied to a Bishop. Very Rev. is applied to a Vicar General. Rev. is applied to a Clergyman, Priest or Rabbi. D. D. is applied to a Doctor of Divinity. LL. D. is applied to a Doctor of Laws. Dr. or M. D. is applied to a Physician or Surgeon. Dr., D. D. S., or D. M. D., is applied to a Dentist. D. M. is applied to a Doctor of Music. Prof, is applied to College Professors, Teachers and eminent Scholars and Scientists, who are specialists in any branch of learning. His Eiccellency is applied to the President •of the United States, the Governor of a State, and the MiiSsters to or from our country. 418 LETTERS AND NOTES. The term Honorable is applied to the Vice-President, mem bers of the Cabinet, Senators and Representatives, heads ol Departments and their Assistants, Lieutenant Governors, mem- bers of a State Legislature, Consuls, Mayors of cities and Judges of Law Courts. FOREIGN TITLES. The Queen (or King): — Commence — " Madam [or Sir]: " con- clude — " I have the honor to be, with the profoundest veneration, Madam [or Sir], your Majesty's most faithful subject and dutiful servant," Address the envelope — "To the Queen's [or King's] Most Excellent Majesty." Members of Royal Family : — Commence — " Sir [or Madam]: " conclude — " I have the honor to be, Sir [or Madam], your Royal Highness' most obedient, humble servant." Address envelope — " To His [or Her] Royal Highness." A Duke or Duchess : — Commence — " My Lord Duke [or My Lady]:"conclude — "I have the honor to be, my Lord Duke [or Madam], your Grace's most obedient, humble servant." Address envelope, " His Grace, the Duke of ," or " Her Grace, the Duchess of ." Marquis or Marchioness : — Commence, — " My Lord Marquis [or My Lady]:" conclude, — "I have the honor to be, my Lord Marquis [or Madam] , your Lordship's [or Ladyship's] most obedient, humble servant." Address the envelope, " The Most Noble, the Marquis [or Marchioness] of ." Earl or Countess: — Commence, — "My Lord [or My Lady]: " conclude, — " I have the honor to be, Sir [or Madam], your most obedient, humble servant." Address envelope, — "To the Right Honorable the Earl of [or Countess of] ." Viscount or Viscountess: — Commence, — "My Lord [or My Lady]:" conclude, same as for Earl. Address envelope, — "The Right Honorable the Viscount [or Viscountess] of ." V Baron or Baroness : — Commence, — " My Lord [or My Lady] : " conclude, same as for Earl. Address envelope, — "The Right Honorable the Lord [or Lady] ." Archbishop: — Commence, — "My Lord Archbishop:" con- clude,— "I have the honor to be, my Lord Archbishop, with the « LETTERS AND NOTES. 419 highest respect, your Grace's most obedient, humble servant." Address envelope, " To His Grace, the Lord Archbishop of ." Bisliop: — Commence, — "My Lord Bishop:" conclude, — "I have the honor to be, my Lord Bishop, your Lordship's most obedient, humble servant." Address envelope, — "To the Right Rev., the Bishop of ." Widows of Peers, if the successors to the title are married, are addressed, " Her Grace, the Duchess Dowager of ," or "The Most Noble, the Marchioness Dowager of — ." Baronets, in order to distinguish them from Knights, are addressed thus: "Sir H. Grey, Bart." A Knight would be addressed, " Sir J. Jones, Kt." Right Hon. is applied to the members of the Privy Council, the Lord Provost of Edinburg and the Lord Mayors of London, York and Dublin, during their continuance in office. Honor arij titles of "K. G„" " K. C. B.," "M. P.," etc., may be added to a name. "When there is more than one title applicable to the same person, it is customary to give one only, and include the others under an " etc." Thus, for example, " H. R. H., the Prince of Wales, K. G., etc." The title Lady is prefixed to the name of those women whose husbands are Knights or higher in rank, or whose fathers are Earls or higher. All the sons of Dukes and Marqidses, and the eldest sons of Earls, have the title of Lord and Right Honorable, and their wives are addressed accordingly. The younger sons of Earls, and the sons of Viscounts and Barons, are styled Esquire and Honorable. The daughters and sons' wives are also Honorable. ANSWERING LETTERS. It is as disrespectful not to answer a letter promptly as it is not to reply when spoken to. If a letter is disrespectful or insulting it should be returned at once to tlie writer, but otherwise it should receive a prompt answer. In business letters especially, promptness in replying is very important. 420 LETTEKS AND NOTES. In answering letters it is customary to first acknowl- edge the receipt, and mention the date, of the letter to which you are replying. In business letters the sub- stance of the letter is also frequently given before proceeding with the answer. Some form like the fol- lowing is often used: " I am in receipt of your esteemed favor of the 15th inst., iu quiring the price of my farm. In reply I would say, etc." Another form would be: "I have just received, on my return to the city after a short absence, the letter you did me the honor to write on the 25th ulto." Friendly letters would begin more as fol- lows: "Dear Hattie, — I received on yesterday your welcome letter of the 14th inst." When several inquiries are made in a letter, a careful and detailed reply should be made to each one, going over the letter point by point In business letters, certainly, one cannot be too careful and explicit. It is not good form for two persons to write in the same letter. Great intimacy with the one addressed may at times excuse it, but it is rarely allowable. LETTEES OP CONDOLENCE. These are probably among the most difficult letters any one is called upon to write. Some people seem to have a natural gift for writing friends at such a time, but others are at a loss what to say. At such times no high-sounding or stilted phrases should be used, and all straining after effect should be avoided. The open wounds must be touched gently if they are to be soothed instead of irritated. Labored attempts to "administer consolation" are out of place. What is needed is a simple and genuine expression of sympathy. Letters of condolence should be written as soon as possible after hearing of the affliction or misfortune which has overtaken a friend. Some authors insist that LETTERS AND NOTES. 421 letters of condolence slioulcl be written on black-edged pax^er, bnt others do not, and we do not think the best form requires it. Answering letters of condolence promptly is not demanded. The afflicted ones are often in little mood for writing, and their feelings should not be taxed to reply to all letters received at such a time. The following letter, sent by Thomas Jefferson to John Adams, on the death of the latter's wife, is a model in its form and spirit, and may interest our readers: MONTICELLO, Nov. 13, 1818. The public papers, my dear friend, annouace the fatal event of which your letter of October the 20th had given me ominous foreboding. Tried, myself, in the school of affliction, by the loss of every form of connection vrhich can rive the human heart, I knovr well and feel what you have lost, what you have suffered, are suffering, and have yet to endure. The same trials have taught me that for ills so immeasurable, time and silence are the only medicine. 1 will not, therefore, by useless condolences, open afresh the sluices of your grief, nor, although mingling sincerely my tears with yours, will I say a word more where words are vain, but it is some comfort to us both that the time is not far distant at which we are to deposit in the same cerement our sorrows and suffering bodies, and to ascend in essence to an ecstatic meeting with the friends we have loved and lost, and whom we shall still love and never lose again. God bless you and support you under your heavy affliction. TH. JEFFERSON. LAFAYETTE TO JEFFERSON, ANNOUNCING THE DEATH OF HIS AVIFE. AxTEUiL, Jan. 11, 1808. My dear Friend: — The constant motirning of your heart will be deepened by the grief I am doomed to impart to you. Who better than you can sympathize for the loss of a beloved wife? The angel who for tliirty-four years has blessed my life, was to you an affectionate, grateful friend. Pity me, my dear Jefferson, and believe me, forever, with all my heart, Yours, LAFAYETTE. [Although not strictly a letter of condolence, this is a letter of mourning, and we place it under this head. It will doubtless interest many readers by its touching pathos. J 422 LETTERS AND NOTES. TO A DAUGHTER ON THE DEATH OF A CHILD. My darling Emma: — Oh, how my heart aches for yon! 1 feel as thongh my own loss was almost as much as yours. I cannot write much— I am blinded by my tears. Oh ! that I could be with you, to hold you in my arms and mingle my tears with yours. May Grod comfort yoa, my darling — that is our only refuge. MOTHER. LETTER TO A FRIEND ON HEARING OF A REVERSE OF FORTUNE. Mobile, Ala., Dec. 5, 1889. My dear Mary:—1 am deeply pained to hear of your husband's sad and Budden loss of property. I hoped that with his experience and knowledge of business he would not become involved in speculation. Do not look at matters as hopeless, but try and sustain your husband in his misfortune, and let him feel that his wife can cheerfully part with luxuries that are often more highly prized than they deserve. Your character is still unchanged, and your friends esteem you as highly as ever. By economy and well-directed effort your husband may soon regain his position. ^ Trusting that your calamity may not prove as bad as at first anticipated^ and that your prospects may soon brighten, I am. Your devoted friend, JULIA B. THOMPSON. To Mrs. Maby Black, Atlanta, Ga. TO A FRIEND AFTER SUSTAINING A LOSS BY FIRE. Frankfobt, Ky., June 19, 1889. My dear Hopkins:—! am sincerely sorry to hear of the destruction of your store by fire. I understand you were only partially insured, but trust jou will not be seriously embarrassed. The spirit with which reverses are met shows the metal of the man, and with your ability and perseverance I doubt not you will soon be in better shape than ever before. In the meantime be assured of my warmest sympathy, and, if I can be of further assistance to you, do not hesitate to let me know. Very truly yours, JOHN W. DRAPER. To Frank Hopkins, Lexington, Ky. LETTERS OF (SONGRATULATION. These may be written to a friend on receiving intel- ligence that any good fortune has befallen him, or upon the occurrence of any joyous event in his life. They LETTERS AXD NOTES. 428 may be brief, and slionld be free from all taint of envy or foreboding. No irrelevant matter should be intro- duced, and certainly no bad news, to mar the cheerfulness of the note. No high-sounding or insincere phrases should ever be used, but a merry — or, possibly, an exultant — tone may pervade the letter. Such letters should be sent as soon as possible after the occurrence of the events which call them forth. Unlike letters of condolence, these letters should be answered as promptly as circumstances will allow. A FORMAL LETTER OF COXGRATULATION. 95 Argyle Place, Dec. 15, 1SS9. FOEMAL COXGRITULATIOX OX THE BIETH OF A SOX. Mr. and Mrs. Brownell desire to tender their hearty congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Slason upon the fnlhlment of their wish for a son and heir. Br>">rTSiDE, May 10, 1SS9. COXGRATULATIXG A YOUXG LADY OX HEE BIETHDAY. Memphis, June 20, 1SS9. ily dear Hatiie;—! awoke, this morning, with the recollection that this is your birthday, and I cannot allow the day to pass without sending you my sincere congratulations on the completion of another year of your sunny life- 424 LETTERS AND NOTES. You are now just reaching an age when yon will be able to appreciate the benefits and pleasures of social life, and I sincerely hope that each recurring anniversary will bring you increasing happiness, and the possession of that high health which will contribute so much to your enjoyment. Your sincere friend, MAY B. WILLIAMS. To Miss Hattie Bbown, 95 Bishop Court. CONGRATULATING A FRIEND ON HIS MARRIAGE. Fort Worth, Texas, June 19, 1890. My^ dear George / —I have just received your card giving me notice of your marriage. Accept my hearty congratulations on the joyful event. Knowing as I have, your long and devoted attachment, I am the more rejoiced at its happy culmination in marriage. I sincerely hope that each succeeding year may find you happier than the one before, and that life's richest blessings may be show- ered upon you. Cordially yours, FKANK CARROLL. To George Harding, Dallas, Texas. CONGRATULATING A FRIEND ON HIS GOOD FORTUNE. Atlanta, Ga., Oct. 3, 1890. My dear Jones :—l have just learned of your promotion to the position of cashier in the bank. No one has noted your rapid advancement with more pleasure than your old room-mate. I know you merit all the preferment you have yet received, and hope this is only the preluJe to something much better. No one rejoices, or will rejoice more at your success, than Your sincere friend, JOHN GOBLE. To Henry Jones, Nashville, Tenn. SOCIAL AND FRIENDLY LETTERS. The easy, graceful and prompt letter writer will usually have many friends, and retain them. In these days, however, the long-drawn-out letters of olden times are not in favor, shorter letters having taken their place. In social and friendly letters a free, easy and uncon- strained style is the most suitable — a style free from formality and pedantry. In writing to one's friends, all sorts of little details may be given. These things give life to the picture and to those who feel a personal interest in one's welfare they are nearly always inter- LETTERS AND NOTES. 425 esting. Those si: home who write to absent members of the family car hardly be too minute, as there will be some association in memory with each little thing, while those who are among strangers and writing home will increase the charm of their letters by making the sketches of their new life and surroundings vivid. The limpid flowing style, however, which seems so easy and graceful when read, is not usually acquired without some effort. One thing about which people, should be very care- ful, is scolding or fault-finding in letters. These things are bad enough when spoken, but on paper the}' are infinitely worse, and may rise up and face one long after the spoken word would have been forgotten. "When angry, one should avoid pen, ink and paper, as he would a nest of vipers. So, also, the fretful and complaining spirit may prompt to the most unfortunate results, as in the case of the letters of Jane Welsh Carlyle. As cheerful a tone as possible should be maintained in letters. Of course, in seasons of misfortune and bereavement, any one who ^Tites naturally, must allow his feelings to ajDpear in his letters, and at such times one's friends are glad to sympathize and console, but on all ordinary occasions a cheerful and hopeful tone is vastly better than the doleful, dolorous style. Following is a letter written by Sir Walter Scott to his son, which is a very good specimen of a family letter. Abbotsford, 22d October, 1824. My Dear Charles .-—I am glad to hear you are Baf ely settled at college— I trust with the intention of making your residence there subserTient to the purposes of steady ?tudy, without which it will be only a waste of expense and leisure. I believe the matter depends very much on a youth himself, and, there- fore, hope to hear that you are strenuously exerting yourself to hold an honorable situation among the students of your celebrated university. Your course will not be unmarked, as something is expected from the son of any literary man; Eind in this case I sincerely hope these expectations will be amply gratified. 426 LETTERS AND NOTES. I am obliged to Mr. Hughes for his kind attentions in your faror, as I dare say that any one to whom he introduces you will be acquaintance worth culti- vating . I shall be glad to hear that you have taken up your ground at college , and who are like to be your set . I hope you will make your way to the clever fellows and not put up with doldrums. Every man soon falls behind who does not aspire to keep '^ith the foremost in the race. I have little domestic news to tell you. Old Maida died quietly in his straw last week after a good supper, which, considering his weak state, was rather a deliverance. He is buried below his monument, on which the followiug epitaph is engraved— though it is great audacity to send Teviotdale Latin to Brazenose: " Maidae marmorse dormis sub imagine Maida, Ad januam domini; sit tibi terra levis." Thus Englished by an eminent hand— " Beneath the sculptured form which late you wore, Sleep soundly, Maida, at your master's door." Yesterday we had our solemn hunt and killed fourteen hares, but a dog of Sir Adam's broke her leg, and was obliged to be put to death in the field. Little Johnnie talka the strangest gibberish I ever heard, by way of repeating his little poems. I wish the child may ever speak plain. Mamma, Sophia, Anne and I send love. Always your affectionate father, WALTER SCOTT. We also give a letter written by the poet, Thomas Gray, to his mother: Lyons, October 13 (N. S.), 1739. Dear Mother :— It is now almost five weeks since I left Dijon, one of the gayest and most agreeable little cities of France, for Lyons, its reverse in all these particulars. It is the second in the kingdom in bigness and rank ; the streets are excessively narrow and nasty ; the houses immensely high and large (that, for instance, where we are lodged has twenty- five rooms on a floor, and that for five stories); it swarms with inhabitants like Paris itself, but chiefly a mercan- tile people, too much given up to commerce to think of their own, much less a stranger's diversions. We have no acquaintance in the town, but such English as happen to be passing through on their way to Italy and the south, which at present happen to be nearly thirty in number. It is a fortnight since we set out from hence upon a little excursion to Geneva. We took the longest road, which lies through Savoy, on purpose to see a famous mountain called the Grand Chartreuse, and had no reason to think our time lost. After having traveled seven days very slow (for we did not change horses, it being impossible for a chaise to go post in these roads) we arrived at a little village, among the moun- tains of Savoy, called Eschelles, from thence we proceeded on horses, who are used to the way, to the mountain of the Chartreuse. It is six miles to the top; the road runs winding up it, commonly not six feet broad; on one hand is the rock with woods of pine trees hanging overhead, on the other, a monstrous precipice, almost perpendicular, at the bottom of which rolls a torrent, that sometimes tumbling among the fragments of stone that have fallen from on high, and sometimes precipitating itself down vast descents with a noise like thunder, which is still made greater by the echo from the mountains on each LETTERS AND NOTES. 427 side, concurs to form one of the most solemn, most romantic, and the most astonishing scenes I have ever beheld. Add to this the strange views made by the crags and cliffs on the other hand; the cascades from many places throw themselves from the very summit down into the vale and the river below, and many other particulars impossible to describe ; you will conclude we had nc occasion to repent our pains. LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. Letters of introduction should be brief. They are always left unsealed, so that the bearer can easily see what is written. We explained in our chapter on "In- troductions" (which see) the etiquette regulating the giving, presenting and receiving of such letters. The envelope should be addressed in the following form: Mrs. Horace Williams, 98 Newport Ave., St. Louis, Introducing Mo. Miss Alice Brown. It is always well to explain a little about the char- acter or business of the one bearing the letter of introduction, and some graceful and complimentary remark is always in good form. Such explanations give the recipient of the letter some clue to act upon. The form for a letter of introduction is usually about as follows: Boston, May 19, 1889. My dear Mrs. Mead;— I take great pleasure in introducing to you my old friend and schoolmate, Miss Ellen Fisk. She expects to spend a few months in your city, and I am confident you will derive much pleasure from her acquaint- ance. Any attention you can show her will be warmly appreciated by Yours sincerely, ToMbs. J. O. Mead, OLIVIA A. CARROLL. New York. A very terse form for a letter of introduction would be as follows: 428 LETTERS AND NOTES. Spkingfield, Mass., May 9, 1889. Dear Mr. Brown:— The bearer of this note, Mr. A. B. Cole, is my old school teacher. Any courtesies you can show him will oblige Yours very truly, To Mb. F. O. Beown, MARY B. HOLMES. Boston, Mass. INFORMAL INVITATIONS. In our chapter on "Invitations, Acceptances and Regrets," we discussed quite fully the matter of formal invitations. Informal invitations, however, must, of course, be shaped largely by the relations of the parties and the nature of the occasion; but, even in these, no lack of courtesy should ever be shown. We give two or three specimens, designed more for suggestion than anything else. They are designed merely to illustrate the informal style : INVITATION TO A PICNIC. Dear Hattie /—If the weather is propitious, we design, in connection with a few of our friends, to have a picnic at " The Dells " next Thursday. Carriages will start from Mrs. Crosby's at nine o'clock. Can we count on the pleasure of your company? Come if you can. We will retain a seat for you in our carriage. Sincerely yours, Oct. 19, 1889. CLARA GOBLE. INVITATION TO A CROQUET PARTY. My dear Tom: — The girls are planning a croquet party for next Friday afternoon at three o'clock. Can we count on you? Miss Jones says she must play on your side, as otherwise she is sure of defeat. We shall be much disap- pointed if yon can not come. Sincerely yours, To Thomas Horton. FRANK SPOONER. INVITATION TO A PICNIC PARTY.— A LADY TO A GENTLEMAN. My dear Mr. Brown: — My cousins from Hartford are visiting me now, and this perfect summer weather has induced us to plan a picnic to Ogden Grove for next Wednesday. We will start about ten A. M., and the present plan is to return by moonlight. If you can join us we shall be most happy to have yon. We have a vacant seat for you in our carriage. Can we expect you? Yours sincerely. To Mr. G. G. BBown. EMMA HARDING. LETTEES AND NOTES. 429 ANSWER TO THE LATTER. My dear Miss Harding .-—Your kind invitation for the picnic next Wednes- day is just received. I tave been longing to spend a day in the country for some time, and it will afford me great pleasure to attend. I will call at your house promptly at 9:45. Yours sincerely, To Miss Emma Haeding, G. G. BROWN. 92 Ogden Ave. ANSWER TO INVITATION TO LUNCH. BUSINESS LETTEES. Business letters shoiild be brief, but clear and to the point. The time of business men is valuable, and they do not care to waste it reading long, rambling letters. At the same time clearness should not be sacrificed nor essential points omitted in the effort to be brief. It is always best to carefully read over a business letter before sending, to be sure that no mistake has been made, and that no essential point has been omitted. A copy should be kept of all important letters. 430 LETTERS AND NOTES. The request to answer or forward goods " by return mail " has come to be regarded by many business men as a mere matter of form, and if any emergency really exists requiring promptness, it is better to state the reason; as, for example, in ordering a book one might say, "You will oblige me by sending it by return mail, as I want it for a birthday present on the 15th inst." Any mer- chant will exert himself to be prompt if he sees there is really some urgent reason for it. Do not send articles of value or money (except very small amounts) in an unregistered letter. Be sure the letter is correctly addressed, and that it has sufficient stamps on it, before mailing it. In every business letter have your name and address clearly given, so that a reply can be sent without trouble. Be particular to see that the envelope is clearly and correctly addressed. The following forms which we give are mainly intended to be suggestive to our readers: A LETTEE SUBSCRIBING FOR A MAGAZINE. Dayton, O., Dec. 22, 1889. Messrs. Harper dt Bros., New York: Gentlemen ;— I enclose herewith draft for four dollars, for which please send me the " Bazar " for one year, from Jan. 1st next. Address: Yours respectfully, Miss Jane WII.LIAMS, JANE WILLIAMS. 74 Hubbard Street, Dayton, O. LETTER ORDERING GROCERIES. Seneca, Kas„ Oct. 5, 1888. Messrs. Jones <& Black, Gentlemen : — Please deliver the following groceries to the bearer, with bill for the same: 2 lbs. Java coffee, roasted (not ground) ; 3 lbs. granulated sugar; 2 cakes Ivory soap. • Charge to our account, and oblige, Yours respectfully, JULIA A. HUNT. LETTERS AND NOTES. 431 LETTER OF INQUIRY ABOUT A SERVANT. 19 Adams St., Toledo, O., Dec. 10, 1890. Dear Madara :—BT{