QUID PRO QUO 
 Catherine Gore 
 
Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 in 2010 with funding from 
 Duke University Libraries 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/quidproquoordayoOOgore 
 
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 QUID PRO QUO 
 
 OR, 
 
 THS BAY 'Dlf BUFEg 
 
 IN FIVE ACTS. 
 
 ■a 
 
 AS FIRST PERFORMED AT THE 
 
 THEATRE ROYAL, HAY- MARKET. 
 
 ON TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 1844. 
 
 PRICE TWO SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PUBLISFED AT THE NATIONAL ACTING DRAMA OFFICE, 19, SUFFOLK 
 STREET, PALL MALL E.AST ; TO BE HAD OF STRANGE, PATER- 
 NOSTER ROW ; WISEHEART, SUFFOLK STREET, DUBLIN ; 
 AND ALL RESPECTABLE BOOKSELLERS. 
 
 \ \%^'^ 
 
"NASSAU STEAM-PRESS:" 
 W. S. JOHNSON, NASSAU-STREET, SOHO. 
 
^e^iif 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 A bitter oj)position to the Prize Comedy selected 
 among ninety-seven competitors, was inevitable. Tliough 
 ]»ersonally a stranger to the members of the Committee 
 by whom the prize was adjudged, and though, the play 
 being sent in like the rest, anonymously, the writer was 
 lirst apprized of its success by the newspapers, a rumour 
 has been industriously circulated that the premium was 
 partially adjudged ; and the impression thus created, has 
 proved scarcely less fatal to the interests of the piece, 
 than the vast expectations arising from the institution ^ 
 a prize, which, after all, could create no new talent 
 among the existing dramatists of the day. The angry 
 champions of the rejected plays have, however, injured 
 their own cause, by convincing the public how bad must 
 be the dramas unanimously voted inferior to the comedy 
 they so vehemently disparage. 
 
 A pre-knowledge of the intentions of a certain portion 
 of the audience by which " Quid Pko Quo " was con- 
 demned, in a great measure unheard, determined the 
 manager to try a second appeal to the public ; and the 
 result has been as brilliantly successful, as the first ordeal 
 was vexatious. Unfortunate, like " The Rivals," in a first 
 representation, it now succeeds in drawing crowded 
 houses, and eliciting the hearty laughter so welcome 
 to the ears of the performers. 
 
 Independent, however, of the cabal organised in the 
 first instance against the piece, a general feeling of disap- 
 pointment has arisen from the mistaken idea that the prize 
 A 2 
 
purported to produce what is termed a high-life comedy ; 
 a style of piece which the experience of the last twenty 
 years proves to be wholly ineffective on the modern 
 stage. No such object was suggested by the manager ; 
 and a bustling play of the Farquhar, or George Colman 
 school, appeared far more available to the resources of 
 the theatre, and the taste of the play-going classes. 
 
 Were the boxes often filled as I had the gratification 
 of seeing them for the first representation of " QaiD pro 
 Quo," with those aristocratic and literary classes of the 
 community who have absolutely withdrawn their patro- 
 nage from the English Stage, for their more refined 
 pleasure, a new order of dramatic authors would be en- 
 couraged to write, and of performers to study. But no 
 one familiar with the nightly aspect of our theatres will 
 deny that they are supported by a class requiring a very 
 different species of entertainment ; for whose diversion, 
 exaggeration in writing and acting is as essential, as 
 daubing to the art of the scene-painter. 
 
 Now that professional distinctions are extinct, and that 
 the fusion of the educated classes has smoothed the 
 surface of society to a rail-road level, a mere Daguerreo- 
 typic picture of the manners of the day, would afford little 
 satisfaction to play-goers accustomed to the dispro- 
 portion and caricature established into the custom of 
 the stage by the exigencies of our colossal patent 
 theatres. 
 
 The comedy requisite to the interests of a theatre 
 is an acting, rather than a reading play ; — a piece likely 
 to provoke the greatest mirth of the greatest number, 
 and reward by overflowing audiences the spirited libera- 
 lity of the manager. Such was my object in attempting 
 a broader style as a dramatist, than as a novelist. But no 
 inducement would have determined me to confront the 
 
hostility likely to attend the representation of such a 
 play, had I not been pre-assured, by the precautions 
 taken, that the authorship would remain anonymous. Un- 
 fortunately, my handwriting was known to a literary 
 gentleman connected with the theatre, through whom 
 after the adjudgment of the prize, the secret transpired to 
 the Committee ; and the result has been most injurious 
 to the piece, and disagreeable to myself. For the ani- 
 mosity on the part of the pit and the press (the dramatic 
 critics of the newspapers being, almost without, an ex- 
 ception, rival dramatists,) which succeeded in condemning 
 the very superior plays of Joanna Baillie, Lady Dagre, 
 and Lady Emmeline Wortlev, could scarcely fail to 
 crush any attempt of mine. 
 
 I have only to add my sincere thanks to the manager 
 and performers by whom I have been so warmly sup- 
 ported. The refusal of Mr. and Mrs. Mathews to ac- 
 cept the parts suggested for them by the Committee, 
 produced some injury to the play ; but I have the 
 more to thank the concession of Mr. Farren ; — who, not- 
 withstanding the prohibition of his physician, kindly con- 
 sented to take a secondary part, rather than allow an 
 attempt towards the revival of English comedy, to lack 
 
 his powerful and zealous assistance. 
 
 C. F. G. 
 
JBramatis ^crsonar. 
 
 As Acted at the Theatre Royal, Hay-Market, 
 on Tuesday, June 18, 1844. 
 
 publi^j 
 
 Earl of Hunsdon (a retired statesman) Mr. Stuart. 
 Lord Bellamont, (his Son, a publi^ 
 
 schoolboy) . . , . 
 Jeremy Grigson, (a retired tradesman) Mr. Strickland. 
 Henry, (a Lieutenant R.N., his nephew) Mr. H. Holl. 
 Captain Sippet, (a tuft-hunter) . 
 Sir George Mordent, (kinsman 
 
 to the Earl) . " 
 
 Rivers, (kinsman to the Earl) 
 CoGiT, (agent to the Earl) . . 
 Spraggs, (servant to Grigson) . . 
 
 Charles, (page to the Earl) Mr. Clark. 
 
 Carpenters, Scene Painters, Dressers, 
 Messrs. Ennis, Ireland, Worrell, Gallot, Mitchenson, &c. 
 Countess of Hunsdon (wife to the Earl) Mrs. W. Clifford. 
 Lady Mart Rivers, (her daughter) . . Miss Julia Bennett. 
 Mrs. Grigson, (wife to the cit.) . . . Mrs. Glover. 
 
 Ellen, (her daughter) Mrs. Edwin Yarnold, 
 
 Bridget Prim, (servant to Mrs. Grigson) Mrs. Humby, 
 
 Mrs. Nisbett. 
 
 Mr. Buckstone. 
 Mr. W. Farren. 
 
 Mr. Howe. 
 Mr. Tilbury. 
 Mr. H. Widdicomd. 
 
PROLOGUE. 
 
 SPOKEN BY MR. WEBSTER. 
 
 If, as established rule from age to age 
 
 Hath authorised the lessons of the stage, 
 
 With comedy the pleasant duty lies 
 
 To paint 'the manners living as they rise ;' 
 
 Present fair folly's face reflected here, — 
 
 School with a smile, and chasten by a sneer ; — 
 
 'Tis time to turn some newer page, and show 
 
 Life as it is, and manners as they go ! — 
 
 "The way to keep him" keeps no lover now; 
 
 " All in the wrong' forestals no broken vow ; 
 
 Tie-wigs and stiff brocades our faith defeat, 
 
 And trite moralities are obsolete ! — 
 
 Sententious prose hath said its parting say ; 
 
 Steam, with a thousand arms, hath clear'd the way ; 
 
 No railroad waits for speechifying man, — 
 
 The world's a game of ' Catch him if you can !' — 
 
 But if, in its perplex'd and motley scene. 
 Some pleasant interludes there intervene. 
 The stage should show — a true and wise recorder, 
 Confusion worse confounded, brought to order ! 
 Such is our aim I — ^To-night, our cost and care, 
 Would picture — English manners as they are. 
 Be yours the kind requital of our task, — 
 A patient audience is the boon we ask, — 
 Submitted long to your supreme behest, 
 Writer and manager have done their best. 
 Should you condemn, — to your decree we bow, — 
 But oh ! in justice, hear us, — hear us now. 
 s 
 
QUID PRO QUO. 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 Scene I. — Road before the Inn of the Hunsdon Arms. The 
 Inn R. 
 
 Enter Henry and Sippet, 2 e. l. with Countrymen, who carry 
 baggage into the Inn. 
 
 Sip. This way, my dear sirl — I told you it was but a step 
 from the station. 
 
 Hen. A step for a pair of seven-leagued boots ! — Why 'tis 
 nearly a mile. 
 
 Sip, A mile it would be hard to miss, for 'tis straight in 
 our road, (points) Neat little country inn, eh ? — ^The Hunsdon 
 Arms used to afford good entertainment for man and horse ; 
 but men are the only brutes now left on the road to entertain ; — 
 quadrupeds, divided by two, eh ? 
 
 Hen. How then are you to proceed to Hunsdon Castle, 
 where you told me you were going on a visit ? 
 
 Sip, Why mails being no longer horsed here, the charming 
 Countess's son. Lord Bellamont, will drive over and fetch me. 
 
 Hen. Your charming Countess, old enough to have a grovm- 
 up son? 
 
 Sip. The heir apparent to an Earldom, is a man in his teens. 
 Public school-boys have become rising young men 1 'Tis but 
 
12 QUID PRO QUO ; OB, 
 
 a step from leading strings to the ribbons, — from the swad- 
 dling clothes to a pea jacket! My angel has a brace of pre- 
 cocious cherubs. — But surely you spoke of having an engage- 
 ment in the neighbourhood? 
 
 Hen. I have relations residing hereabouts. 
 Sip. Whom you've just arrived in England to visit, eh ? 
 Hen. My ship has been three years on the India station. 
 (Aside.). How the deuce shall I get rid of this inquisitive fel- 
 low! My aunt Grigson must be arrived ! 
 
 Sip. Your relations visit, of course, their neighbours, at 
 Hunsdon Castle ? 
 
 Hen. I really can't say ! My uncle purchased his property 
 during my absence. 
 
 Sip. Purchased it ? — Young man 1 if you respect yourself 
 never talk of buying a seat — unless in Parliament. The an- 
 cestors of the Hunsdons gave a dejeuner a la fourchette at 
 their castle to William the Conqueror, on his landing from 
 Normandy. 
 Hen. The more sneaks they ! 
 
 Sip. Sneaks — sir ! — The Earl of Hunsdon is the most con- 
 siderable man, and his castle the most considerable castle, in 
 this part of the country. 
 
 Hen. With all my heart! They may be the Elephant and 
 Castle, for what I care to the contrary. {Aside.) How shall 
 I shake the fellow off? 
 
 Sip. {seizing him by the button.) Between friends (Henry 
 shows surprise) — that is, between acquaintances — I'm come 
 here to organize the dear Countess's private theatricals! As if 
 all theatricals were not private enough in these days, the 
 drama gives herself the airs of retiring into private life, en- 
 joying her otium aim dignitate, and so forth ! 
 
 Hen. Come, come, if steam have done up the mail, don't 
 let us blow up the stage. 
 
 Sip. {aside.) Not so bad for a snob J Mem,, book that for 
 the Castle. In short, I'm here to enjoy a~ month's shooting 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 13 
 
 and rehearsals. We men about town, are entitled to quarter 
 ourselves nine months of the twelve in country-houses. 
 Last autumn I'd a touch a,t the pheasants of forty-two noble- 
 men and gentlemen's seats (Houses of Lords and Commons,) 
 betwixt Alnwick Castle and St. Michael's Mount. 
 
 Hen. {aside.) Would he were safe at either ! The old lady 
 will be out of patience. 
 
 \_A window opens, Mrs. Grigson appears, and retreats 
 on seeing Sippet. 
 
 My aunt, by Jupiter ! 
 
 Sip. That dear fanciful creature. Lady Hunsdon, brings 
 down some new craze with her every season from town ; the 
 last new folly in vogue— guano— the Polka— the unknown 
 tongues — teetotalism — capering or vapouring for the million 
 —mesmerism— hydropathy ! This year, she is all for thea- 
 tricals. — The dear creature has turned decidedly blue — 
 
 Hen. A curious complexion for an angel ! 
 
 Sip. In fashionable parlance, my dear fellow, a blue means 
 any literary lady who is not deep read. 
 
 [A carriage heard without, and crash. 
 
 Hark ! Bellamont, for a thousand ! — Carried off a post. — Needs 
 must, when a school-boy drives. 
 
 Lord B. {without.) Give them their heads, and be hanged 
 to ye 1 — Easy, easy ! 
 
 E)iter Lord Bellamont, ^r.) — dressed in the extreme of 
 the slang fashion, cutting thro' a crowd of stable boys- 
 
 Lord B. Out of the way, rascals 1 — Where the deuce has 
 this marmozet of my lady mother's hid himself? — Oh, 
 there you are. Sippet! How are you? {extends a finger.) 
 
 Sip. (Greeting him eagerly.) Not hurt, I hope? 
 
 Lord B, Not I! — Hard as nails. Expected though to have 
 been brought to you in pieces like a dissected map. I vow 
 to God, all the old women 'twixt this and our shop, made it 
 
14 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 a point to thrust themselves under my horses' feet,— to the 
 imminent peril of — 
 
 Sip. Their lives? — 
 
 Lord B. No, mine ! — I suppose somebody picked 'em up. 
 We'll enquire, as we go back. My team has so much a will 
 of its own, there was no stopping to ask idle questions. 
 
 Hen. faside.) A pretty specimen truly, of the rising youth 
 of Britain ! — A diamond edition of the slang dictionary, — a 
 monkey miniature of man ! — 
 
 Lord B. ('aside to Sippet showing Henry.J Your fellow, 
 I presume ? — Queer cut of a livery ! — Moses, of course ! — 
 
 Sip. {aside.) No, an Indian curiosity, I picked up in the 
 train 1 
 
 Lord B. {walking round Henry.^ Singular animal, upon 
 my soul; — not in bad condition tho' to have been fed on 
 currie anikibaubs 1 
 
 Sip. (drawing him away.) My dear Bell, hadn't we 
 better be going ? — 
 
 Hen. {restraining himself.) 'Twere beneath the dignity of a 
 man to inflict chastisement on a school-boy ! 
 
 Sip. {aside to Lord B.) Don't push the joke too far, — 
 he's going on a visit to a gentleman, who resides near the 
 castle. 
 
 Lord B. Pas possible I — We've nothing of the genus gentle- 
 man residing within a dozen miles of the castle ! Of the genus 
 snob, there's an old fellow, named Grigson — 
 
 Sij]. (interrupting. J Hush, 'tis his uncle ! 
 
 Lord B. I could have wagered the balance of my book on 
 the Derby, they were of the same stock. 
 
 Hen. His book, when he ought to be in his spelling-book ! 
 Playing on the turf, when he should be playing at marbles ! 
 
 Lord b. {taking off his hat, and approaching Henry, ivith 
 mock respect.) May I take the liberty of enquiring, sir, 
 whether your venerable uncle is aware of your being out? 
 
 Hen. 'Tis a pity but your tutor were, my young highflyer 
 and let me tell you — [.threatens — Sippet comes between them. 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES 15 
 
 Sip. Now my dear fellow I — my dear Bell I Remember, we 
 are waited for at the castle. (Drags him away.) 
 
 Lord B. (resisting and turning towards Henry.) Take my 
 advice, sir ! — Deposit at your uncle's, the bad habits in which 
 you at present indulge. Reform your tailor's bills, sir, and 
 drop the Bengal tiger as soon as you can ! — 
 
 Henry is about to rush upon him, — sees Mrs. Grigson 
 at the window, motioning him to desist. 
 
 Hen. This is not to be borne ! — 
 
 Lord B. Bear, sir, and forbear, like a bear as you are. 
 
 Sip. Bell, Bell! {Points off.) Those fellows are pulling at 
 the mouths of your horses, as if — 
 
 Lord B. {shouting.) Hillo ! there !— Let go the horses this 
 moment I — Let me only catch you, and I'll — 
 
 [Exeunt Lord B. and Sip., r. — shouting. 
 [Mrs. Grigson closes the window. 
 
 Hen, At last 1 — But what can the old lady mean by inter- 
 fering ? The little whipper-snapper deserved that I should 
 break every bone in his skin, if indeed his delicate skin have 
 bones in it. {Carriage heard.) Hark ! — there they go ! — I 
 owe him some gratitude for ridding me of my stickfast of a 
 fellow traveller.. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Grigson, /rom the Inn, cautiously. 
 
 No breakers ahead, my dear aunt, the coast is clear. 
 
 Mrs. G. (meeting him.) Harry, my dear Harry ! {Exa- 
 mining him.) Bless your dear heart alive ! How well you're 
 looking. Why you've grown like a weed since we parted at 
 Oldfield, seven years ago ! — Come, come, — give me a kiss, my 
 lad, as you did then. (They embrace.) 
 
 Hen. Ever the same kind soul ! 
 
 Mrs. G. I'm not grown a fine lady, tho' some folks fancy 
 themselves fine gentlemen. 
 
16 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Hen. {shaking hands.) Still a plain spoken sailor, and 
 your affectionate nephew 1 
 
 Mrs. G. Now that's hearty 1 — That's what I call English ! 
 No two sides to that. 
 
 Hen. But in pity to my curiosity, dear aunt, tell me why 
 did you afford your protection to that saucy boy ? — 
 
 Mrs. G. Wouldn't it better become you, Hari7, to inquire 
 why, after hurrying you home from India to complete the 
 match with your cousin Nelly, resolved on when you were 
 both babies, I insisted on your meeting me here on the sly, 
 (a rendyvoo, as the French call it) instead of proceeding 
 openly to Hollyhock Lodge? — 
 
 Hen. The orders I received from you on landing at Ports- 
 mouth, certainly surprised me, But I obeyed them, as those 
 of my superior officer. 
 
 Mrs. G. Your best chance, 1 can tell you, of obtaining your 
 cousin Nelly and her £50,000 !— 
 
 Hen. Surely my uncle's promises — 
 
 Mrs. G. Your uncle, child I — (I don't mean to alarm you) — 
 is one of the craziest old gentlemen at present loose out of a 
 strait waistcoat ! 
 
 Hen. Gracious Heavens ! 
 
 Mrs. G. So long as Jeremy Grigson was a sober, painstaking, 
 wholesale stationer in Gracechurch-street, he was a credit 
 to his family and the city of London. But that unlucky 
 mayoralty of his cousin Snookham's was the undoing of him. 
 He couldn't bear to stay in the city and hear him called Str 
 Gregory, and he — plain Jeremiah ! 
 
 Hen. Such, then, was the motive of his retiring from busi- 
 ness to his native town of Oldfield ? 
 
 Mrs. G. That, — and inheriting his country seat. 
 
 Hen. Country seat 1 — Now, my dear aunt 1 A staring red- 
 brick house in the middle of a grass plot, like a lobster gar- 
 nished with parsley, standing behind iron gates in the market- 
 place ! — own brother to a preparatory school 1 
 
 Mrs. G, No matter ! — We lived as merry in it as crickets in 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 17 
 
 an oven ! Jeremy Grigson was leading man of the corporation ; 
 and might have lived and died there respected, like his father 
 before him ; — but, as the plague would have it, he got ac- 
 quainted, last election, with a great lord, who turned out a 
 great humbug; and did him out of his interest in the borough, 
 with a sort of cousin-come-over-me that might have coaxed 
 the mischief out of a crocodile ! — 
 Hen. Lord Hunsdon, of course ! 
 
 Mrs. G. From that day to this, your poor uncle's head has 
 been running wild about earls and countesses — coronets and 
 supporters — or, argent, gules, and fess — as if he'd been brough- 
 up a herald painter. 
 
 Hen. Poor old gentleman ! 
 
 Mrs. G. But that is not the worst ! He goes and gives a 
 mint of money for Hollyhock Lodge, (only because, from its 
 drawing-room windows, you see the chiranies smoking of 
 Hunsdon castle) and lets our comfortable mansion in the 
 market-place to Ephraim Cogit, Lord Hunsdon's cunning 
 steward. If his poor old father, the attorney, could only rise 
 from his grave in Oldfieldchurch-yard — if he could only rise 
 from his grave ! — 
 
 Hen. But surely you find your lawns and shrubberies plea- 
 santer than the market-place? 
 
 Mrs. G. Not 1 1 I cant abide them ! People must be lord 
 and lady born, to put up with such grumphy solitude ! When 
 we retired from business, to live genteel at Oldfield, how I 
 did miss the pleasant cheerful rumble of Gracechurch- street 1 
 As to Hollyhock Lodge, Harry, 'twixt you and me, the still- 
 ness of the country makes my ears sing ! 
 Hen. But my cousin Ellen's society ? 
 
 Mrs. G. Will not long be mine. Her father is bent on mar- 
 rying her among the fine gentlemen at Hunsdon Castle. He 
 wants to make a ladyship o' poor Nelly ! — Bless you ! he might 
 as well attempt to make a lady of me. 
 
 Hen. Has he quite forgotten, then, his engagements with 
 myself ? c 
 
18 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Mrs. G. Out of sight, out of mind ! He remembers you 
 only as a little middy, who used to tie crackers to his pigtail 1 
 Jeremy Grigson has not set eyes on you these seven years, and 
 don't expect you home for half-a-dozen more. 
 
 Hen. So, so, my good uncle Jeremy! This is the value of 
 your word. 
 
 Mrs. G. But be guided by me, Harry, and we'll give him 
 a QUID for his pro, (as his father, the attorney, used to 
 say.) Since he fancies you still safe in India, make your ap- 
 pearance at Hollyhock Lodge as some great lord, instead of 
 a Lieutenant of Her Majesty's ship the Artaxerxes, and 1 
 warrant you, he will snap you up, as a gudgeon does a worm. 
 Hen. As if he would not recognise his own nephew. 
 Mrs. G. I should not have known you from Adam, if I 
 had not giVen you a rendyvoo I You u-as such a good-looking 
 boy. 
 
 Hen. And you think that, prospered by this assumed rank, 
 I might regain my place in my uncle's affections? 
 
 Mrs. G. Why he would make friends with the black gen- 
 tleman himself, if old Scratch presented himself under the 
 name of the Marquis of Brimstone. 
 
 Hen. He deserves, then, to be imposed on. My old mess- 
 mate. Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse (whom I left safe in the Ar- 
 taxerxes) shall lend me his name, as I have lent him mine be- 
 fore now, to get him out of a scrape. 
 
 Mrs. G. Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse ! It carries a good kind of 
 Magna Charta sound with it 1 But the name without the na- 
 ture is worse than nothing. 
 
 Hen. I don't quite understand you. 
 
 Mrs. G. Can you do the thing in style ? I've brought j'on- 
 der (points to inn) everything that Gracechurch-streec can fur- 
 nish, to rig out a fine gentleman ; and quarter-deck manners 
 will be no go. 
 
 Hen. (piqued.) As I have been living like a brother with 
 Lord Algernon these three years past, I may surely un- 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 19 
 
 dertake to represent him ; and since you have thoughtfully 
 enabled me to throw off my old uniform — 
 
 Mrs. G. I vow you put me into heart! (Going-.) And now 
 I will make the best of my way back to Hollyhock Lodge, to 
 prepare the way for you. Lose no time. 
 
 Hen. As soon as I have written my letter of introduction, 
 Lord Algernon shall deliver it in person. — I long to see thy 
 knowing ones taken in. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Mrs. G. Ha ! ha ! ha ! If our allied forces do not beat out of 
 the field the united peerage of the United Kingdom, my 
 name is not Dorothy Grigson — that's all! — 
 
 lExit into inn, r. 
 Hen. Sol Instead of the pretty wife and handsome for- 
 tune I thought were waiting my acceptance, a pleasant 
 piece of work have I got upon my hands 1 — Hoist false colours, 
 and sail under a forged certificate? — Well, well! since my uncle 
 is no longer true blue, he deserves to be boarded by a pirate ; 
 and my cousin and £50,000, are worth some hazard! I'm 
 onlyafraid, my friend Fitz-Urse's sober gentlemanly cut would 
 scarcely satisfy an old gentleman and young lady accustomed 
 to such swaggering impudence as I witnessed just now ! — Ha I 
 ha I ha ! I must not only reform my tailor's bills, it seems 
 but reform my manners ! 
 
 [Mrs. Grigson calls from windoiv " Harry !" 
 Coming, my dear aunt !— Since she chooses to create me 
 a peer, she might surely have called me the Lord Harry, to 
 begin with — Coming ! 
 
 [Eocit, R. 
 
 Scene II. — A Library, hung with pictures, at Hunsdon 
 Castle. 
 
 The Earl discovered writing. Servant waiting. 
 
 Earl. Let Mr. Cogit be shown in. 
 
 [Exit Servant, l., and re-enter with Cogit, bowing 
 profoundly. 
 
20 QUID PRO QUO ; OB, 
 
 Gog. I fear I intrude upon your Lordship's avocations. 
 
 Earl, {not rising.) Not at all, Cogit, not at all. — ^-Take a 
 seat. — I will attend to you immediately. 
 
 [CoGiT draws a chair in front l., but stands behind it. 
 The leisure of my rural retirement cannot, of course, be sa- 
 cred from the claims of business. ^ [snals a letter. 
 
 Cog. Your lordship has the art of making business a plea- 
 sure to all who have the happiness of approaching you. 
 {Aside.) How much longer will he potter over that letter? 
 
 Earl. Why, certainly, twenty years' familiarity with the 
 arduous business of the nation renders the management of an 
 estate like mine, or a borough like Oldfield, mere pi ay- work 
 in my hands. [^arranges his papers. 
 
 Cog. {Aside, sighing.) Ay ! you've made pretty play-work 
 of your estates ! — I wish I found its management a trifle ! — 
 £10,000 to be raised on a property mortgaged over head and 
 ears, might puzzle a Chancellor of the Exchequer ! 
 
 [^The Eakl rises and cames forward r., Cogit assumes 
 an obsequious attitude. 
 
 I waited on your lordship to — 
 
 Earl. Take a seat Cogit ! — take a seat ! 
 
 [Cog IT places a chair for the Earl, they sit. 
 
 Cog. I waited upon your lordship to state that this day's 
 post has brought an answer from Messrs. Leechwell and Fang, 
 concerning the further little loan your lordship was desirous 
 of proposing. 
 
 Earl. Well? 
 
 Cog. Twelve per cent, my lord, is the minimum of their 
 terms. 
 
 Earl. Twelve per cent ! 
 
 Cog. {watching him.) Money, my lord, is unprecedentedly 
 scarce at this moment ! 
 
 Earl, (peevishly.) Money is aZway* unprecedentedly scarce. 
 
 Cog. And six years having still to elapse before your lord- 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES 21 
 
 ship's son, Lord Bellamont, attains his majority — these 
 monied cormorants — 
 
 Earl. To the point, Cogit, — to the point ! — Is the money 
 forthcoming, or is it not ? 
 
 Cog-. That must depend on your lordship's occasion for sub- 
 mitting to extortion. 
 
 Earl. The urgency, you can judge, as well as myself. 
 
 [CoGiT makes signs of ignorance. 
 Though, (thanks to my vulgar neighbour yonder, at Holly - 
 hock Lodge,) I have the borough of Oldfield snug in my 
 pocket, the county can only be carried by hard money. 
 
 Cog. The mortgage, then, must be efifected before the ap- 
 proaching election ? (watches anxiously.) 
 
 Earl. Of course it must. 
 
 Cog. Considering the little interest your lordship has shown 
 of late in politics — 
 
 Earl. Politics ! — What have politics to do with the matter ? 
 
 Cog. I thought your lordship alluded to the Oldfield elec- 
 tion ? — 
 
 Earl. Harkye, Cogit! That you may fully understand the 
 importance of this loan, to my interests, I will open my whole 
 mind to you. [Cogit rises, bows, and sits again. 
 
 — ^There are two sorts of men, with whom honesty is the best 
 policy — one's physician and one's man of business. 
 
 Cog. An axiom, my lord, worthy of the great Bacon. 
 
 Earl, (more familiarly.) When I suddenly retired last ses- 
 sion from my post in the cabinet, the public decided (as the 
 organs of government instructed it to decide) that my health 
 was impaired by the cares of state, and that I sighed after the 
 relaxation of domestic life. [Cogit boius. 
 
 — Fudge I — I was jockeyed out of my place by my colleagues \ 
 — craftily piqued into the feint of resignation, which was ac- 
 cepted in earnest. 
 
 Cog. (turning up his eyes.) The hypocrisy of this world ! — 
 am astonished ! 
 
22 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Earl. On finding myself thus stranded by false lights 
 thrown out by the wreckers, I had only to make a virtue of 
 necessity, and retire with dignity into the country, bowing 
 like a Lord Chamberlain, towards the throne. 
 
 Cog. And I, who in the simplicity of my heart, imagined 
 your Lordship's abandonment of office a voluntary retreat ! 
 
 Earl. (sentenHously .) Lay this to your heart, Cogit, as a 
 grand principle of public life ; — no man ever yet resigned a 
 good place (pauses) who did not foresee the probability of being 
 turned out of it., . However, my time in the interim has not 
 been thrown away : — I have taken care the great letters shall 
 ring with elegies over my untimely retirement ; and my honour- 
 able colleagues having managed, by the blessing of their own 
 blunders, to leave the machine of the state sticking fast in the 
 mire, with the nation, the absent have had the best ol it 
 
 Cog. (rises.) Yet, •jour Lordship seems to entertain 
 hopes of again forming part of the administration ? 
 
 Earl. Or of being ordered to form a new one, — sh Cogit ? 
 (Rises.) But hopes are unknown quantities. This is a matter 
 of simple arithmetic. My vote in the Lords and my family 
 borough, were insufficient to keep me in oiiice. But by se- 
 curing the representation of the county, and the borough of 
 Oldfield, i^both hitherto belonging to the opposition^ my 
 claims are doubled. Political influence you know, is a 
 question of two and two make four ! 
 
 Cog. Simple addition ! (aside.) 1 always fancied it a 
 matter of division . 
 
 EarZ. To secure this object, I have submitted to the in- 
 trusions of my tuft-hunting neighbour, the retired cit. To 
 secure this object, I have been perpetrating for these twelve 
 months past, what the county papers call the princely hos- 
 pitalities of the house of Hunsdon. 
 
 Cog. Three oxen roasted whole on family birth-days, and 
 three hundred pair of blankets distributed at Christmas to the 
 poor; besides chaldrons of the best Wallsend enough to 
 urnish the Transatlantic steamers with their annual fuel ! 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. S3 
 
 Earl. If the tax thus paid do but secure my immediate 
 object! — 
 
 Coff. Your lordship's object? — 
 
 Earl. Can you not guess ? Did it never occur to you, Cogit, 
 when you saw me presiding over the said •'princely hospital- 
 ities," or at county meetings, — that something was wanting 
 to complete my dignity ? 
 
 Cog. (aside.) A plaguy deal, if that were all ! {aloud, 
 bowing profoundly.) My memory ray lord suggests nothing ! 
 Earl, {taking him by the sleeve.J Look, Cogit ! {Points to 
 the pictures.) " John sixth Earl of Hunsdon" — " William se- 
 venth Earl of Hunsdon" (the rival of WalpoleJ — " Thomas 
 eighth Earl of Hunsdon" (my father the Aiiibassadoi;^ [pauses. 
 Coy. I have often admired the pictures, my lord, as well as 
 their singular family likeness to your lordship. 
 
 Earl. It must be a degree closer, Cogit ! or I shall not rest 
 my grave ! Do you not perceive that each of these eminent 
 statesmen is graced with a blue riband ? — (points io his 
 shoulder.) Here it is wanting ! 
 
 Cog. But that you point it out, I could have dreamed 
 of no deficiency in your lordship. , 
 
 Earl. It must be remedied, Cogit ! Let the money of 
 these cormorants be forthcoming. Let me bear with forti- 
 tude the vulgarity of the Grigson horde. Let Lady 
 Hunsdon assemble the whole county as guests ander my roof. 
 Let the papers rave of the brilliancy of herfStes, — the loyalty 
 of my tenantry, — the gratitude of my poor. Let my popu- 
 larity create an influence — an influence, not even the cabinet 
 can withstand — for the Garter must be mine ! — (Seizes Cogit's 
 hand.) Can I count upon your zeal ? 
 
 Cog. (Kisses his hand.) Were it equally by my means, your 
 lordship should command a whole galaxy of stars. 
 
 Earl. Cogit, you're a discerning man, — you're a staunch 
 adherent, — you're a faithful/herati ! — You must stay and dine 
 with us, Cogit. 
 
24 QUID PRO quo; or. 
 
 Enter Servant, c . 
 
 The Earl resumes his air of dignity — Cogit his distance. 
 
 Ser. My lady desired me to announce Sir George Mordent 
 and Captain Sippet, to wait upon your lordship. [_Exit, c. 
 
 Earl. Two of our party already arrived? — 
 Cogit takes his hat. 
 
 Cog. (going). For the present, my lord, 1 take my leave. 
 
 Earl, (with affability.) From what are you running away, 
 my good friend ? — The flippant sallies of Captain Sippet, which 
 the interests of Lady Hunsdon's theatricals force me to tole- 
 rate; or the pungencies which my venerable kinsman. Mor- 
 dent, appends to them, like the bitter moral tacked to one of 
 iEsop's Fables ? — 
 
 Cog. Sir George Mordent is entitled to the utmost respect 
 of every every well-wisher of your lordship, as an old ba- 
 chelor cousin, whose estate is unentailed. — 1 know no stronger 
 bond of family affection. [laughter without, c. 
 
 Enter Countess, Sippet, Sir O. Mordent, c. 
 
 Sip. (advances flippantly to shake hands with the Earl.^ 
 My dear lord ! 
 
 Earl, (passes him.) Mordent! how are you ? (shake hands.) 
 Good morning. Captain Sippet. 
 
 [Exit Cogit, raising his hands and eyes, l. 
 
 Com. (throirs herself into a chair.) I insist, my dear Captain 
 ppet, on your repeating the whole story for Lord Huns- 
 don's entertainment ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Sip. The story of the stationer's nephew ? — Ay, my lord, 
 ' I could a tale unfold !' 
 
 Mor. (aside) This must be the theatrical chap, — the promp- 
 ter of their clap-trap and stage tricks ! 
 
 Cou. One can never hear too much of the enormities of 
 these horrible Grigsons. (To Earl.) On his journey hither, 
 my dear lord, he fell in with a new branch of that exquisite 
 family tree. 
 
 Earl. Indeed ! 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 25 
 
 Cou. And I shall never forgive him for not having recruited 
 the monster for our theatricals. 
 
 Mor. Are your theatricals in want of monsters ? — I thought 
 your ladyship's company was complete 1 
 
 Earl, (coldly.) Any guests staying at Hollyhock Lodge 
 will of course accompany the family. 
 
 Sip. " But will he come when you do call for him? That is 
 the question !" The fellow was so roasted to rags by Lord 
 Bellamont, that I doubt whether there remain a morsel pre- 
 sentable at the fastidious table of Hunsdon Castle. 
 
 Mor. Why, we are not very nice here, surely ? — ■ 
 
 Earl, (stiffly to Sippet.) I trust, sir, my son has not 
 treated with unbecoming levity, a relation of my friend, Mr. 
 Grigson ? 
 
 Cou. Your friend? Now my dear lord, call him your dupe — 
 your tool — your parasite — your shadow — your echo ! but 
 do not profane the sacred name of friend, by applying- it to a 
 wholesale stationer from Gracechurch-street. 
 
 Mor. {smiling.) Elections, madam, like misery, " make a 
 man acquainted with strange bed-fellows !" 
 
 Earl. I know not what you mean by strange ! Mr. Grig- 
 son is a man of the right way of thinking in politics. — Mr. 
 Grigson is a man with a stake in the country, — Mr. Grig- 
 son is a man with influence in a borough, — Mr. Grigson 
 is a man who, in the present fusion of classes produced by the 
 march of enlightenment, is fully entitled to the notice and 
 protection of 
 
 Mor. Come, come ! If you talk so strenuously you may 
 end by convincing yourself. You are not on the hustings of 
 Oldfield, or in the chair of a mechanics' institute ! — 1 here 
 is not a soul here to be taken in. 
 
 Earl. You are privileged, my dear sir ! But to show you 
 that I am not blind to the follies of my poor neighbour, I am 
 free to confess that his good qualities are balanced by one 
 monstrous fault ! For ambition is a fault as well as a weak- 
 ness; — "by that sin fell the angels." 
 
26 QUID PRO QUO ; OBi 
 
 Sip. Well, hang me, if I see anything angelic in the com- 
 mon-councilman pretension of a retired cit. 
 
 Earl. Few of us, sir, take a just estimate of our deserts. — 
 The retired cit. aims at nothing less than Parliament and a 
 baronetcy. 
 
 (Sippet and the Countess latigh heartily — Mordent shrugs 
 his shoulders.) 
 
 Mor. "Why should'nt he be as great an ass as his betters ? — 
 
 Earl, (pathetically.) But is it not lamentable, my dear Mor- 
 dent, amid the purest attributes of nature, the vernal seclu- 
 sions of the fields and forests, to behold the human mind 
 swayed by such frivolous considerations as — 
 
 Mor. (coaly.) Stars and garters, and First Lordships of the 
 Treasury ! — Lamentable ! 
 
 Earl, (discountenanced.) Ahem ! 
 
 Enter Lady Mary running. 
 
 Lady M. Dear mamma! the scene painters engaged by Cap- 
 tain Sippet have arrived from town ; and the carpenters have 
 hung up the green curtain ! (claps her hands.) It is begin- 
 ning to look like a real theatre. — Such fun ! 
 
 [^Goes to the Earl, who kisses her forehead. 
 Good morning, papa. 
 
 Earl. Where is your brother, my dear ? 
 
 Lady M. Bell is gone out shooting, papa, with the keepers. 
 
 Sip. (looking at his watch.) He promised to be in the way 
 for a rehearsal. 
 
 Cou. To-morrow, you know, we begin in earnest. Surely^ 
 my dear Sippet, 'twill be safer to have in the servants, and the 
 Grigsons, to see how the machinery works, before we invite 
 the neighbourhood ? 
 
 Mor. The servants and the Grigsons 1 For an aspirant to 
 the honours of parliament and a baronetcy, the classification 
 is flattering. 
 
 Earl. But if Bellamont have given offence to the family? 
 
 Cvu, 1 should like to see Mr. Jeremy Grigson take offence 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 27 
 
 at the conduct of a son of mine ! — However, it may be better 
 to secure an audience by carrying an olive branch to Holly- 
 hock Lodge. 
 
 Lady M. Yes, do, dear mamma, let us drive over and invite 
 them. I am always so glad of an excuse to visit my friend 
 Ellen. 
 
 Mor. {aside.) Good ! — The first humane instinct I have no- 
 ticed in the family ! — The girl seems to have some heart. 
 Com. Sippet, you shall escort us. 
 Sip. And the theatre ? 
 Coil. The stage must wait I 
 Lady M. The carriage is already at the door. 
 Cou. Then go, my dear Sippet, and fetch Fido for me, out 
 of the drawing-room. The poor little fellow can not do with- 
 out his airing 1 
 
 Sip. Does Fido condescend to visit the Grigsons ? — 
 Mor. (aside.) The toady and the lapdog 1 " Arcades ambo." 
 Ho ! ho ! ho 1 
 
 Earl. My dear lady Hunsdon, you will be late, {aside to 
 her angrily.) Let me advise you to keep this jackal of yours 
 under decent restraint. — Remember the Oldfield election,— 
 remember the interests of your family 1 — During your ab- 
 sence. Mordent and I \yill enjoy a saunter through the home 
 farm. — Come, Sir George. 
 
 Lady M. Yes ! pray, papa, show my cousin the improve- 
 ments of Hunsdon Castle. 
 
 Mor. With all my heart ! for at present I own 1 have seen 
 none of them. 
 
 Com. Improvements are often like strawberry-beds — they 
 do not come into bearing for the first three years. 
 
 Mor. And sometimes like our national buildings, they are 
 only the worse when completed 1 
 
 Com. Now then for our triumphal entry into Hollyhock 
 
 Lodge I 
 
 [Sippet hands the Ladies out l., the Earl and 
 
 Mordent exeunt c. 
 
 END OF act I. 
 
28 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Scene \.—^A Drawing-room, with books and musical instru- 
 ments at Hollyhock Lodge, opening to a lawn. Ellen dis- 
 covered reading on a sofa. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Grigson. 
 
 Mrs. G. Still at your studies, child ? For full two hours 
 have you been poring over that silly poetry-book ! 
 
 Ell. I took up a book, mamma, to beguile the time of 
 your absence. (Lays it down.) I am now at your orders. 
 
 Mrs. G. Then go and make yourself fit to be seen ; — for 
 we've company coming; — a young gentleman, '' coming to 
 court a certain young lady. 
 
 Ell. If you mean me, dear mamma, I have neither heart 
 nor hand to dispose of. 
 
 Mrs. G. (patting her on the back.) Your mother's girl, 
 every inch of you! I knew my Nelly would not imitate her 
 father's nonsensicalities about lords and ladies ; — fine things 
 enough at a coronation ! But folks ain't always procession- 
 ing through doorways, to make precedence of such mighty 
 consequence. 
 
 Ell. (aside.) To what can she allude so warmly ? 
 
 Mrs. G. Rank, child, like water, must find its level; and 
 those who lose their time in trying to make rivers run up 
 hill, deserve to lie drowned at the bottom. 
 
 Ell. Believe me, I have no undue pretension to the pomps 
 of life. 
 
 Mrs. G. To be sure not ! no more than your mother be- 
 fore you. 'Tis not my own Nelly would turn her back on her 
 cousin Harry, 'cause he's only a poor iiewtenant. 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 29 
 
 ^ EIL Not on that account. But I trust he thinks as little of 
 me as I of him. 
 
 Mrs. G. As if he were likely to forget the kiss you gave him 
 at parting, eight year ago, last Candlemas. 
 
 Ell. (aside.) If I had only courage to confide to her my 
 engagement to Rivers ! — 
 
 Mrs. G. Now, look ye here, Nelly. 
 
 Ell. (looking out.) My father 1 dear mamma. 
 
 Mrs. G. Psha! Well, step into the shrubbery for a few mi- 
 nutes, my dear, while I've a bit o' talk with him, (aside,) for 
 kittens should never see the old cats come to the scratch. 
 
 [Exit Ellen, c. into the garden. 
 
 Enter Grigson, pompously, l. 
 
 Grig. Ha! my lady fair ! (as Lord Hunsdon would say,) so 
 soon returned from your drive ?— 
 
 Mrs. G. Soon, Mr. G. ! — Why it's three o'clock. 
 
 Grig, (looking at his watch.) God bless my soul ! And at 
 four, I've an appointment with the corporation of Oldfield. 
 
 Mrs. G. Then they'll have to wait, I can tell them, for 
 the horses are baiting. — Ah 1 G., when you were settled in 
 your father's comfortable house in the Market-place, no need 
 of coach-horses every time you had a bit of business at the 
 town-hall ! If I were you, when I cut the house I was born 
 in, I would have cut the corporation. 
 
 Grig. Cut the corporation ? On the eve of the election ? 
 Mrs. G., you are a wag ! 
 
 Mrs. G. You are to give a lift again, I suppose, to my 
 Lord Hunsdon's candidate ? 
 
 Grig, (chuckling.) Perhaps I am. 
 
 Mrs. G. Jeremy Grigson, you are an old gander. 
 
 Grig, (chuckling.) Mrs. G., as I said before, you are a wag I 
 
 Mrs. G. (furious.) Not too old though, to be caught 
 with chaff ! — Squandering your time, your money, and your 
 credit on a pack of strangers 1— What is Lord Hunsdon's can- 
 didate to you, I should like to know? 
 
30 QUID PEO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Grig, (squeaks.) Oh, nothing ! Lord Hunsdon's candi- 
 date is nothing to me — nothing I — Ho I ho I ho I — nothing, and 
 nobody. 
 
 Mrs. G. Yes, I will tell you what he is. Some ruined ho- 
 nourable, who wishes to hide behind the Speaker's gown from 
 the sheriff's officers. 
 
 Grig. Mrs. G., you are a wag 1 
 
 Mrs. G. Or some mean place-hunter, who wants to play 
 at cat's cradle with ministers, from the opposition benches. 
 
 Grig, (angry.) Mrs. G. I {Alters his tone.) You are a wag! 
 
 Mrs. G. Or some ape with a riband across its shoulder, that 
 would fain thrust Jeremy Grigson's paw into the fire, to se- 
 cure its chesnuts. 
 
 Grig, (furious.) Mrs. G., you are — I won't say what you 
 are! 
 
 Mrs. G. Why I am a plain speaker of plain sense ; — the wis- 
 dom handed down from one old woman to another, since the 
 days of mother Eve, — and worth whole libraries of diction- 
 ary-flourish ! 
 
 Grig. And if, madam, this future member for Oldfield, 
 whom it is your pleasure to disparage, were neither more nor 
 less than — (assumes Lord Hunsdon's a<^^iMdeJ— the man it is 
 your bounden duty to honour and obey, — I said honour and 
 obey, Mrs. Grigson, — what should you say then? 
 
 Mrs. G. That it was my duty to honour and obey a 
 numskull ! — You, a parliament man ? — You ? 
 
 Grig. Why not pray ? 
 
 Mrs. G. Better find out why ! What in the name of good- 
 ness, or badness, ever put such a — '(slaps him on the back) — 
 But you are joking with me, G. ! — you are only joking ! 
 
 Grig, (solemnly) Madam, / am not a wag. 
 
 Mrs. G. (stoutly.) Jeremy Grigson ! — let us come to a right 
 understanding ! Are — you — going to contest the represen- 
 tation of Oldfi eld ? 
 
 Grig, (bows formally) 
 
 Mrs. G. By uniting your interest with Lord Hunsdon's — 
 and spending your own money?-— 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 81 
 
 Grig. I am about, madam, to offer myself to the suffrages 
 of the free and independent electors of Oldfield — (vide ad- 
 vertisement.) 
 
 Mrs. G. This man will bring my grey hairs in sorrow to a 
 wig 1 
 
 Grig. Mrs. G., I hope you won't deny that you are a wag ? 
 Cchucfdes.) 
 
 Mrs. G. Or you, that you are a lunatic ! Why, in Grace- 
 church-street you had not nous enough to get through your 
 business in the shop without my finger in the pie ; — and now, 
 you fancy you can manage the affairs of the nation ! — (Grig- 
 son represses his desire to reply) — And when you see 568 ho- 
 nourable gentlemen — (trumps, I suppose — as they are picked 
 out of the whole pack) — contriving to keep the country in 
 hot water from one end of the year to the other, you must 
 needs add your pig-headedness to theirs, in order to — {shoves 
 him. J — Go along with you, you foolish old man !— You have 
 been making game of me all this time ! — 
 
 Grig. Have you quite done, Mrs. G. ? — Quite sure, ma'am, 
 that you have quite done ? Now, listen to me. — I rise to ex- 
 plain 1 In the first place, did you ever hear the Countess of 
 Hunsdon address her liege lord in the tone you presume to 
 adopt towards your unfortunate husband ? 
 
 Airs. G. What need have plain Darby-and-Joan folks, like 
 you and me, to take pattern by earls and countesses, 'twixt 
 whom there is a fence of buckram and whalebone as thick as 
 London Wall ? — Did not we slave together like a pair of horses 
 in the same yoke, Jeremy Grigson, to put money into the 
 same till ? Did not we — 
 
 Grig, (stopping her.) Madam, madam ! if the servants 
 should be at the door ! — 
 
 Mrs. G. And if they should, — do ye think they'd hear no- 
 thing worse through the keyholes at Hunsdon Castle ? — 
 
 Grig. That a woman on the eve of becoming Lady Grigson, 
 should be so callous to the decorums of life ! 
 
 Mrs. G. Eh?— What?— Lady Gnz^onl—(hebows)—S,QXh- 
 
32 ' QUID PRO QUO ; OE 
 
 lem is not strong enough to hold him ! — {curtsies) — My hum- 
 ble service to you, Sir Jeremiah Grigson, knight, — member of 
 Iparliament, — and non compos I 
 
 Grig. What do you mean, pray, by knight? — A knight- 
 hood, madam, smells ff the city a mile off! — Sheriff of 
 London — men in armour — Old Bailey — white gloves— and 
 the tolling of the bell of St. Sepulchre !— A knighthood !— 
 Faugh ! 
 
 Mrs. G. You have widened your swallow to a baronetcy, 
 have you, among the Lord Grizzles of Hunsdon Castle ? All 
 I know is, that the first time you had to call your cousin 
 Snookham Sir Gregory, the word had like to have choked 
 you. 
 
 Grig, (forcing a laugh.) Choked me ! — Ho ! ho ! ho I — 
 hi 1 hi ! hi ! — Mrs. G. you are a very great wag I 
 
 Mrs. G. I am half out of my wits at your folly I — going to 
 ruin yourself, horse, foot, and dragoons, in order to make 
 yourself a warming-pan for the Earl of Hunsdon ! 
 
 Enter Ellen, hastily, from the garden, with a letter. 
 
 Ell. There is the strangest gentleman in the garden, 
 mamma, who begged me to deliver this letter to my father. 
 
 Mrs. G. {aside ) Harry ! — as sure as a gun ! — (aloud, 
 pointing to Grigson.) Well, my dear, there he stands ! 
 
 [Er.LEN delivers the letter. 
 Grig. How does my little Ellen this morning ? — (aside) — 
 I think that is Lord Hunsdon's way of doing the paternal ? — 
 ten degrees below freezing point ! — (opens the letter) — A pe- 
 ition, I dare say, from one of my future constituents at 
 Olfield !— 
 
 [Ellen and Mrs. Grigson talk eagerly in dumb show, 
 looking out into the garden. 
 
 (reads) — " Henry Grigson 1" — my nephew, the lieutenant ! — 
 I was in hopes he was climbing pagodas at Hong Kong ! — 
 (reads) — " My dear uncle!" — hum!— hum! — "commend to 
 your well-known hospitality" — confound his impudence I — 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 33 
 
 "An old messmate of mine" — Messmate? — vulgar dog! — 
 the very word savours of pigtail and a hornpipe ! — " an old 
 messmate of mine" — Hilloa I — what's here?— "Lord Alger- 
 non Fitz-Urse? — son of — Harry Grigson's messmate a 
 lord ! — Who'd ever have thought it 1 — " son of the Marquis 
 of Plantagenet 1" — Bless my soul and body I — ' the Marquis 
 of — " — [loud) — Who brought this letter? 
 
 [^Rings the bell violently, l. 
 
 Mrs. G. Flustrated out of your wits by a single sheet of 
 paper? — You, who used to handle reams of foolscap with 
 perfect composure I {Laughs.) 
 
 Grig. Mrs. G! — 
 
 Mrs. G. A pretty fellow you will be for the reading of a bill 
 in parliament ! {Laughs.) 
 
 Gri^:. Will you hold your confounded nonsense ! (Reads 
 agitated.) The marquis of — 
 
 Enter Spraggs in a fine livery. 
 
 Who brought this letter ? 
 
 Spr. Ee dun know sur I 
 
 Grig, {reading.) " Lord Algernon Fitz " What's 
 
 the fellow staring at ? — Send the butler here ! 
 
 Spr. Fes, sur. {Exit Spraggs, l. 
 
 Ell. {who has been pulling him by the sleeve.) Dear papa ! 
 The gentleman is in the geurden, waiting for an answer. 
 
 Grig. Lord Alrnonge waiting in the garden of my humble 
 abode ? Let me hasten to (going.) 
 
 Mrs. G. {pulling him back.) Now G. When you know 
 you've an appointment in the town-hall of Oldfield, at four 
 o'clock ! — Let me receive the gentleman 1 (Stifles a laugh.) 
 
 Grig. Vou do the honours of Hollyhock Lodge to the son 
 of the Marquis of Plantagenet ! {going.) 
 
 Mrs. G. But the corporation, my dear ? 
 
 Grig. Curse the corporation 1 
 
 Mrs, G. What ! on the eve of the election 
 
 £ 
 
34 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Grig, (furiously.) Mrs. G. 
 
 Mrs. G. {curtseying.) Lady G. — if your baronetship 
 pleases ! 
 
 Ell. The gentleman seems tired of waiting, papa, — for here 
 he comes. 
 
 Enter Henry, as Lord Algernon, in a slang costume. 
 
 Grig, (obsequiously.) Your lordship's very obedient hum- 
 ble servant 1 {aside.) What a distinguished looking young 
 man! (aloud.) 1 scarcely know how sufficiently to apolo- 
 gize to your lordship — 
 
 Hen. Confound your apologies ! (aside.) Neither my 
 uncle nor Ellen entertain the least suspicion 1 
 
 Mrs. G. (aside.) Well I — he has done it handsome I 
 {aside to Ellen.^) Did not 1 tell you there was a smart young 
 man coming? 
 
 Ell. {aside to Mrs. G.) I never saw so strange a person ! 
 
 Mrs. G. (aside to Ellen.) Strange ? Why he is the very 
 moral of that little hop-o-my-thumb young Bellamont, mag- 
 nified in an aromatic microscope ! 
 
 Ell. One feels indulgent towards the affectations of aschool- 
 boy, who plays at dandy as he would play at leapfrog, 
 
 Ori(/. {bowing.) I trust your lordship enjoyed a pleasant 
 voyage home, and journey hither ? 
 
 Hen. No ! — demned disagreeable ! My voyage was by 
 land — my journey, by steam ; — no great shakes, though the 
 deuce of a rattle, (looks round.) Curious little mousetrap 
 of a villa you have got here ? 
 
 Grig, {bowing.) We do not presume to rival, my lord, 
 the halls of your lordship's ancestors ! — 
 
 Mrs. G. {aside, laughing.) The halls of his ancestors ! 
 To be sure, they did belong to the stationer's hall. {aloud.) 
 Mr. G. — you don't introduce me to your friend? — 
 
 Grig. {keeping her back. — aside.) A moment, my 
 dear ! 1 can't call to mind exactly, how Lord Hunsdon 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 35 
 
 hitches in the Countess on these occasions, (aloud.) May 
 I presume to present to your lordship's attention — 
 
 Hen. Better half, eh ? Fine woman ! (Nods.) (Mrs. Griq- 
 soti curtseys with mock reverence.) Many a time, on board of 
 the Artaxerxes, has Harry beguiled the watoh, by talking to 
 me about his kind aunt Grigson. 
 
 Mrs. G. {naturally.) Bless your dear honest heart. 
 
 Grig, (shocked.) Mrs. G ! 
 
 Hen. And the charms of his pretty cousin 1 
 
 (Looks round at Eli.en, ivho is seated near the window, c. 
 
 Grig. Ay, by the way ! — Ellen, my love ! 
 
 [ Ellen approaches. 
 Let me introduce you to — 
 
 Ell. {curtseying coldly.) I have already made Lord Al- 
 gernon's acquaintance. 
 
 Hen. {aside.) She's vastly pretty 1 (aloud.) Yes, old 
 gentleman I I met your daughter in the garden, taking the 
 shine out of the roses. 
 
 Mrs. G. (aside ) Lord love him !— how well he does it ! — 
 Would not any one swear he was born a lord 1 {aloud, 
 curtseyimc.J I hope, my lord, your lordship means to stay 
 and take potluck with us to day. [Crosses to v. to Henry. 
 
 Grig. Potluck /—-That woman will be the death of me ! 
 May I hope for the honour of welcoming your lordship to my 
 humble board ? {_Goes up to Ellen, r. 
 
 Hen. Stay dinner ? — Of course. 
 
 Tries to enter into conversation with Ellen, who shows 
 signs of disgust. 
 
 Enter Spraggs, l. 
 
 Spr. Please, sur, there be a cartful of portmantles coom 
 from the Hundson Arms, and carter says they be for a greae 
 lord, that do boide here. So I sent he up at castle ; but he 
 do persist in — 
 
 Hen. My traps, for a thousand ! 
 
 Gri. Your lordship's " traps ? — " 
 
 Hen. Your nephew would not hear of my spending less than 
 
36 QUID PEO QUO ; OR, 
 
 a month with you ; and considering tlie attractions of the 
 place — [Tries to accost Ellen, who crosses to l. 
 
 Mrs. G. A month?— Well ! I must say, that for a youngster 
 who's only a heir-presumptive, Harry Grigson makes more 
 free than welcome- 
 
 Gri. Mrs. G. I blush for you ! 
 
 Mrs. G. To take the liberty of billetting his friends upon 
 us, as if Hollyhock Lodge was an inn — 
 
 Gri. Silence, madam ! Would you violate the rites of 
 hospitality towards one of the most distinguished young no- 
 blemen in the realm ?— If your lordship would only deign to 
 overlook — 
 
 Hen. Anything in reason, old gentleman — if your cook be 
 not too plain, — and your wine as fair as your daughter 1 
 
 [Tries to take Ellen's hand. 
 
 Ell. (aside.) Impertinent coxcomb 1 (Crosses to r. 
 
 Mrs. G. (stifling a laugh.) How, my dear? Violate the 
 rites of hospitality towards one of the most distinguished 
 young noblemen in the realm?-— 
 
 [Reproves her in dumb show, Henry kisses her hand. 
 
 Re-enter Spraggs, l. 
 
 Spr. Where be I to put the gentleman's traps, sur ; Missus 
 Bridget do want to know ? 
 
 Hen. (interrupting him.) Into the best bed-room ! I am 
 anchored here for a month ! 
 
 [Exit Spraggs. 
 
 Grig, (aside to Mrs. G.) You hear, Mrs. G. 1 — We are to be 
 honoured for a month 1 — Apprise the whole establishment ! 
 Let the fatted calf be killed ! 
 
 Mrs. G. Then give me the key of the plate chest. I suppose 
 I am to get out the epergne ? — 
 
 Grig. For the love of mercy, Mrs. G. !— 
 
 [They dispute in dumb show. The house-bell rings. 
 
 Visitors ?~-How unlucky 1— Some of your vulgar acquaint- 
 ance from Oldfield ! 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES 87 
 
 Enter Spraggs, l. 
 Spr. The Countess of Hounsdin and Lady Mary Rough- 
 horse. 
 
 Grig. God bless my soul 1 
 
 Mrs. G- Some of your troublesome acquaintances from 
 Hunsdon Castle ! 
 
 Enter the Countess and Lady Mary, l. 
 Cou. My dear Mrs. Grigson ! 
 
 Mrs. G. (to her formally.) I am proud to see your ladyship 
 at Hollyhock Lodge,-"— for the first time these twelve months ! 
 [Ellen welcomes Lady Mary. 
 Cou. Is it so long ? 
 
 Grig, (bowing.) That is — every month of your ladyship's 
 absence, counts for twelve I 
 
 Cou. Bravo, Mr. Grigson ! Positively the only copy of Sir 
 Charles Grandison now extant. Pray let me introduce his 
 friend, Captain Sippet, to you. (looks round.) But where is 
 Sippet ? 
 
 Lady M. I sent him back to the carriage with Fido — who 
 was following us in. But here he comes ! 
 
 Enter Sippet with a lap-dog under his arm. 
 
 Sip. The dear little treasure wonld not hear of being left 
 behind — so I complied with his wishes. 
 
 {^Bows to the Grigsons. 
 Grig, [obsequiously.) Any friend, or any lap-dog of the 
 Countess of Hunsdon's, will always be most welcome, sir, to 
 Hollyhock Lodge ! 
 
 Cou. Thank you, thank you, Mr. Grigson ! But Captain 
 Sippet knows my orders are imperative. (To Sippet, pee- 
 vishly.) You are stifling the poor little fellow. (Fondles it.) 
 Since you have chosen to bring him here, pray go and take 
 him a turn on the lawn ! 
 
 \^Exit Sippet to the garden. Lady Mary, Ellen, and 
 Henry laugh as he pases the sofa. 
 But I must not neglect the object of my visit. Lord Huns- 
 
38 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 don and myself, my dear madam, hope for the honour of your 
 company to morrow, to witness the first rehearsal of our 
 private theatricals ! 
 
 Gri. Your ladyship and his lordship are all goodness — 
 
 Mrs. G. finterposins: .) Bat all the same, we can't come 1 A 
 young man is staying in the house. 
 
 Gri. (interruplins-) That is a young — 
 
 Cou. {stopping him.) I know it, I know it! I am quite 
 aware of it ! 
 
 Gri. (iiside.) Bless me, how these lords and ladies know 
 all about each other's affairs ! I verily believe there's an 
 electric telegraph always at work among 'em ! 
 
 Cou. You must bring him with you to the castle. My 
 friend Captain Sippet tells me he will be a charming addi- 
 tion to our party ! But I do not see him, — or your daughter ? 
 
 Mrs. G. [nudgins her to turn round.) The young folks have 
 got together, yonder, as thick as thieves ! (Countess looks 
 round to the sofa.) 
 
 Gri. Mrs. G. you forget yourself! 
 
 Com. I see — I see ! — a family love affair ! — A very suitable 
 connexion ! 
 
 Gri. Suitable ? — You do me a thousand times too mc h 
 honour. — If T might presume to — 
 
 [Mrs. Grtgson beckons Henry and Ellen, who ad- 
 vance. Lady Mary following. 
 
 Cou. Miss Grigson, my dear, I am charmed to see you in 
 such good looks ! (Boivs to Henry in a patronising manner, 
 and examines him through her glass, aside.) What a perfec- 
 tion of a tiger ! 
 
 Mrs. G. (aside to Gri.) Her ladyship is struck all of a 
 heap! 
 
 Grig, (aside to Mrs. G.) No wonder; — she don't see such a 
 young nobleman every day of the week ! 
 
 Cou. (to Henry.) To judge from appearances, young man, 
 you must have spent a great part of your life in India ? — 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 39 
 
 Hen. (half aside.) To judge from appearances, old lady, 
 tjou must spend a great portion of yours at Coventry ! 
 
 Cou. Coventry? — Really, Mr. Grigson, this nephew of 
 yours — 
 
 Mrs. G. and Hen. Nephew? 
 
 Gri. Your lordship, if I may presume to say so, is under a 
 mistake ! This young gentleman — nobleman — 1 should say — 
 
 Mrs. G. Bless your heart, 'tis my Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse. 
 
 [Lauyhs. 
 
 Cou. Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse ? 
 
 Grig. Second son of the Most Noble the Marquis of Plan- 
 tagenet. 
 
 Cou. {seizing Henry's hand.) Then you are son to the 
 most intimate friend I have in the world ! 
 
 Hen. (aside.) The deuce I am ! 
 
 Cou. My dear, dear Lord Algernon. (Aside.) And his elder 
 brother is in a decline ! — What a fortunate coincidence 1 
 (Aloud.) Here, Mary — Mary, my dear child, where are you? 
 (Lady M&ry advances.) Let me malse you acquainted, my 
 love, with the son of our dear Lady Plantagenet ! 
 
 Lady M. We have already had a good laugh together, 
 mamma, — the best way of making an acquaintance. 
 
 Cou. How little we thought, in closing our letter yester- 
 day, to the dear Marchioness, we were on the eve of an intro- 
 duction so interesting to all parties ! 
 
 Mrs. G. (aside.) Here's a jn-etty kettle of fish ! 
 
 Lady M. Do you see any likeness, mamma, between Lord 
 Algernon and his sister. Lady Clara ? 
 
 [r/ie Countess examines him through her glass. 
 Hen. (aside) She's out with her quadrant, and taking an 
 observation ! 
 
 Cou. A great resemblance about the eyes 1 And pray, my 
 dear Lord Algernon, how is your excellent uncle, the bishop ? 
 Hen. (aside.) What shall I say now? (Aloud.) Why — 
 at our last flare-up, the bishop was voted a trifle too strong. 
 Cou. Strong ! 
 
40 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Hen. Spicy, but too strong. 
 
 Cou. (sighs.) Thanks to Tractarianism, I was afraid bis 
 ordship's see was becoming a leetle stormy. 
 
 Hen. I don't know about his lordship's see ; but it blew 
 great guns in ours t'other day, in the Bay of Biscay ! 
 
 Cou. Ha! hal ha! {Aside to Lady Mary.) Why don't you 
 laugh, child? His brother is in a decline! (Aloud.) When 
 you write to him, pray tell him that his old friend my father, 
 Lord Clantagget, is to have the vacant thistle. 
 
 Hen. {aside.) A thistle? that sounds as if he were an 
 old donkey ! — (aloud) — I can only say, (bows knowingly) that I 
 wish he may get it ! 
 
 Cou. and Lady M. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! All the charming 
 sprightliness of my friend, Lady Plantagenet 1 
 
 Mrs. G. (aside.) Go it, my boy, — keep up the steam! 
 
 Cou. You positively must return with us to Hunsdon 
 Castle ! We cannot think of leaving you here ! 
 
 Hen. Heave anchor already? — I have only just got into 
 port I 
 
 Gri. We cannot possibly part with your lordship on such 
 short notice, (aside to Ellen.) Why don't you say some- 
 thing civil, child ! (pushes her.) 
 
 Cou. Lord Hunsdon will be distracted when he finds you 
 have neglected us for Hollyhock Lodge, (aside to Lady 
 Mary.) Do not let him slip through your fingers, (pushes her. 
 
 Hen. (between Ellen and Lady Mary, sings.) "How 
 happy could I be with either." — 
 
 Cou. Charming tenor! [Mrs. Grigson laughs. 
 
 Hen. (glancing at the Countess.) "Were t'other dear 
 charmer away," 
 
 Gri. Indeed, my dear lord, you must not leave us 1 
 
 Mrs. G. Nay 1 Since we shall all meet together to-morrow 
 at the play acting, (to Henry, J go, by all means, my lord — 
 stand on no ceremony with us. 
 
 Hen. (to the Countess.) Well, then, since you're so 
 pressing, (buttoning his coat) here goes. 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 41 
 
 Re-enter Sipput from the Garden, c. 
 
 Cou. Wish me joy, my dear Sippet, on having enlisted into 
 our company my friend, — Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse. 
 
 [Sippet starts back on seeing Henry. 
 
 Sip. Lord — what? {To Grigson.) Your sailor-nephew 
 from India, — is'nt it ? 
 
 Grig. The friend, sir, of my sailor- nephew 1 The son of the 
 Marquis of Plantagenet ! 
 
 Sip. The son of a — Marquis ? 
 
 Hen. And nephew of a bishop ! ahem ! 
 
 Sip. This is the most unaccountable mistake 1 
 
 Cou. (angrily.) No need to puzzle your head about the 
 matter ! We understand it,^ — and that is enough ! 
 
 Lady M. Yes! — we understand it, and that is enough ! 
 
 Sip. (aside.) Et fu Brute 1 — Fickle, ungrateful sex 1 — 
 
 [Henry flirts with Ellbn. 
 
 Cou. Lord Algernon ! (a pause,) my dear Lord Algernon 1 — 
 (Henry starts.) We are on the move ! Sippet, go and ask 
 for the carriage ; — and put Fido on his cushion before we get 
 in! 
 
 Sip. (aside, going,) I have a great mind to put him into the 
 horse-pond ! [Exit, l. 
 
 Cou. {taking leave of the Grigsons, who are r.) To-mor- 
 row, then, my dear madam, we shall expect you ! 
 
 Lady M. And pray, dearest Ellen, be punctual 1— 
 
 Cou. Yes ; pray be punctual ! — 
 
 Mrs. G. I think I can promise, on this occasion, to be before- 
 hand with your ladyship. [Spraggs appears at the door. 
 
 Spr. (bawling.) The Countess of Houndsdin's carriage 
 stops the way ! 
 
 Gri. (offering his arm.) Your ladyship's carriage is an- 
 nounced. [Henry tries to kiss Ellen's hand. 
 
 Cou. My dear Lord Algernon ! — Don't you see that my 
 daughter is waiting for your arm ? 
 
 END OF ACT II. 
 
42 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 ScKNB I. — The grounds of Hollyhock Lodge. On one side a 
 Summer-house. 
 
 Enter Ellen, hurriedly, ivith a book in her hand. 
 
 Ell. At length I have escaped the watchful eyes of Brid- 
 get 1 {Looks round anxiously.) Rivers not yet arrived? — I 
 begin to repent having promised to meet him here ! — But at 
 present, 1 dare not reveal our engagement to my mother. He 
 comes I — 
 
 Enter Rivers, l. 
 
 Riv. Dearest, kindest Ellen ! {takes her hand.) 
 
 Ell. I complied so readily with your request, only because 
 this first meeting must be the last I 
 
 Riv. Nay, dearest, nay, — I will not hear you despond. A 
 little patience, — a little courage, — and all will be well. 
 
 Ell. Alasl new difficulties have arisen. From our first ac- 
 quaintance, I confided to you my engagement to my cousin 
 Henry— - 
 
 Riv. A cousin you have not seen these eight years 1 — 
 
 Ell. Intent as my poor father is upon my worldly ag- 
 grandizement, I trusted that your connexion with Lord 
 Hunsdon's family might reconcile him to my choice. — {sighs.) 
 — But these hopes have vanished ! — There arrived here 
 yesterday a bosom friend of my cousin Henry, dazzled by 
 whose attentions, my father and mother seem to have set their 
 hearts on my becoming Lady Algernon Fitz-Urse. 
 
 Riv. {With indignation.) Your guest, then, has been forcing 
 his attentions upon you ? {Looks round.) Perhaps I may be 
 
THE DAy OF DUPES. 43 
 
 SO fortunate as to meet him, and give him my opinion of his 
 conduct ! 
 
 Ell. Lord Algernon is gone on a visit to Hunsdon Castle. 
 
 Riv. Then, thank heaven, we are sure to meetl---I am now 
 on my road thither. 
 
 Ell. You assured me you were not even acquainted with 
 your noble relatives ? — 
 
 Riv. Nor was I ! But finding that your father resided 
 in their neighbourhood, I addressed myself to a kinsman, 
 (who, from his large fortune, has great influence with the 
 Hunsdons) to get me invited to the castle, where a long 
 residence abroad has made me a stranger. Mordent not only 
 complied with my request, but has already arrived there to 
 introduce me. 
 
 Ell. In a few hours, then, we shall meet ; and amid the 
 confusion of their private theatricals, enjoy opportunities for 
 unmolested conversation. Here, I am in momentary terror 
 of interruption ! — Promise me, meanwhile, that you will get 
 into no quarrel with this odious Lord Algernon ! — 
 
 Riv. That must depend upon — 
 
 [Mrs. Grigson's voice without. 
 
 Mrs. G. I see nothing of her. 
 
 Ell. My mother !— Fly, fly !— 
 
 [Rivers kisses her hand. 
 You promise? 
 
 Riv. Everything you desire ! (going.) 
 
 Ell. (about to enter the summer-house.) Farewell, then, for 
 the present ! 
 
 Riv. Sans adieu ! [Exit, l. 
 
 Ell. (watching him from the summer-house) I was certain 
 Bridget was on the watch, and would apprize mamma. Should 
 they catch a glimpse of him, we are lost ! — Jn a moment he 
 will gain the road. — [Takes a seat, and opens her book.) I 
 daie not look my mother in the face ! — 
 
 [Bridget's voice behind the scenes. 
 This way, mem, this way ! — I protest I heard voices. 
 
44 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Enter Bridget and Mrs. Grtgson, panting. 
 
 Mrs. G. {looking round.) Perhaps you see them too, for I 
 am sure there is nothing else to be seen. 
 
 Bri. (aside.) Umph ! The other voice has escaped. — 
 
 Mrs. G. {pointing to Ellen.) There she sits, poor dear, as 
 quiet as a httle Iamb, and as lonesome as a hermit. 
 
 Bri. All I know is, she was talking fast enough, mem, just 
 now. 
 
 Mrs. G. Ay, ay I — poetry-stuff, to the flowers and the dicky 
 birds. — Book-learned ladies are always after some nonsense 
 of that kind ! 
 
 Bri. And do the flowers and the dicky-birds answer 'em, 
 mem? — There was a bass voice as well as a treble ! — 
 
 Mrs. G. A pack of nonsense. {Calls.) Ellen, child! (To 
 Bridget.) There! she is so lost in her studies, you see, that 
 she don't hear a s}llable ! — Nelly, I say ! 
 
 Ell. (coming forward with an air of surprise.) Have you 
 been long here, mamma? 
 
 Bri. (aside.) Oh! the abominable hypocrisy of your quiet 
 little lambs! {Looks on the ground.) Footprints, as I am a 
 sinner ! A 600/ — a boot of the masculine gender ! — I said so ! 
 I knew I heard voices. (To Mrs. G.J Mem, mem — the print 
 of a man's foot on the sand ! 
 
 Mrs. G. And what then ? Are we on Robinson Crusoe's 
 Island, that you seem so overjoyed? [Laughs. 
 
 Bri. (aside.) Infatuated parent! What it is to have 
 been indeckorously brought up, and have no scruples 1 
 
 Mrs. G. I have been looking for you, far and near, Nelly, — 
 to tell you there is a letter arrived express from Hunsdon 
 Castle ! 
 
 Ell. Not to put us oflP, I hope ?— 
 
 Mrs. G. On the contrary — they want you to take a part in 
 their play-acting! — Some ladyship or other has disappointed 
 them, and they think you will do for a makeshift. 
 
 Ell. But surely, madam, you would not consent ? 
 
 Mrs. G. Your father insists upon it, my dear. If they were 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 45 
 
 to take to rope-dancing at Hunsdon Castle, I should soon see 
 you with a balancing pole in your hands ! 
 
 Bri. (aside, peeping about.) Not a vestige of a man, 
 that I can see. I'll make bold to follow the foot-marks, till 
 they come to a stand-still. [Stealing off, l. 
 
 Ell. (seeing her.) Dearest mamma, do not let Bridget 
 saunter out of the way ! — I shall want her to arrange my 
 dress. [Exit Bridget. 
 
 Mrs. G. (carelessly. J To be sure you will. 
 
 Ell. I cannot possibly do without her ! — Pray, pray, call her 
 back ! 
 
 Mrs. G. Here, Bridget, — Bridget Prim ! 
 
 Ell. Bridget ! 
 
 Re-enter Bridget, sulkily. 
 
 Mrs. G. Here 'is Miss Ellen in a pucker, lest you should 
 give us the slip 1 — Hurry back to the house, Bridget, like a 
 good soul, and pack up our things. 
 
 Bri. Mem, I only — 
 
 Ell. (leading her towards the house.) Do not you hear 
 mamma's orders, Bridget? — 
 
 Bri. Miss Ellen, I only — {resisting) 
 
 Ell. There is not a moment to be lost ! — Go ! 
 
 [Pushes her out, r., Bridget puts back her head. 
 
 Bri. (aside.J I'll see the last of them foot prints though, 
 if they lead me to Man Demon's land ! [hxit l. 
 
 Mrs. G. And now, Nelly, that we are alone, before we start 
 for the castle, I have a word to say to you, about — 
 
 Ell. The old story, I suppose! My cousin Henry. 
 
 Mrs. G No, my dear, — a bran new story. The young 
 gentleman who was here yesterday. 
 
 Ell. Captain Sippet ? — 
 
 Mrs. G What! — the lapdog carrying — scene-shifting — 
 eaves' dropping, dirty-dog of all-work to the Countess of 
 Hunsdon? — Quite another sort of person ! — (Stifles a laugh.) 
 The son of the Marquis of Plantagenet ! — 
 
46 QUID P£0 QUO ; OB, 
 
 Ell. Thank goodness. 
 
 Mrs. G. You like Lord Algernon then, my dear? — 
 
 Ell. No, mammal I was congratulating myself on your 
 having at length deserted the cause of your protege. 
 
 Mrs. G. My what? — 
 
 Ell. Of Henry Grigson ! 
 
 Mrs. G. Have 1 1 That's all ! I promise you, Nelly, that 
 {recollecting herself) — why, as times go, child, I really think 
 that with fifty thousand pounds, you might do better. 
 
 Ell. (seizing her hand.) I might, indeed, mamma, — by 
 uniting myself with one to whom my whole heart — 
 
 Mrs. G. What, what, what ? — At your poetry stuff again ? 
 
 Ell. (aside.) Alas! I cannot venture to entrust any 
 secret to her ! {aloud.) You wish me then, madam, to en- 
 courage the attentions of this strange young man ? 
 
 Mrs. G. Why should you be nicer than your betters ? You 
 saw how much your friend. Lady Mary, made of him ? 
 
 Ell. I do not see with her eyes, ox feel with her heart. 
 
 Mrs. G. Her heart indeed 1 'Tis my belief, Nelly, that if 
 you were to anatomize half the fine ladies in the land, you 
 would not find as much heart among them as would weigh 
 against a fourpenny piece. 
 
 Enter Spraggs, r. 
 
 Spr. Please, mam, measter do want to knaw at what 
 o'clock coach be to be harnished ? 
 
 Mrs. G. I will be with him in a jiffy ! Come, Nelly. Your 
 father will not rest till we are off. And I am dying to see how 
 our dear Lord Algernon is getting on. 1 suppose they will 
 announce him in their play-bills — " the son of the Marquis of 
 Fitz-Plantagenet, — his first appearance on any stage." 
 
 [Exeunt laughing, r. 
 
 Scene IL — Gallery at Hunsdon Castle. 
 Enter, in front, Mordent and Rivers, c. 
 Riv. Believe me, my dear sir, you mistook the whole pur- 
 port of ray letter. 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 47 
 
 Mor. Likely enough ! People write so wondrous well, now- 
 a-days, that it is not always easy to understand their meaning. 
 
 Riv. I told you, f admit, that love was the motive of my 
 eagerness to visit Hunsdon castle. But I never hinted that 
 the object of my attachment was Lady Mary Rivers. 
 
 Mor. I don't understand hints ! People should speak out 1 
 The object of my visit to this house, is to ascertain whether 
 my cousin Hunsdon's daughter be a worthy wife for my 
 cousin Rivers's son. The match would suit my projects. 
 
 Riv. (eagerly. J But not mine I 
 
 Mor. So much the better — for you're cut out. Lady Mary 
 and her stage-struck mamma have lost their hearts, at first 
 sight, to one of the most flagrant specimens of the slang school 
 it was ever my ill-luck to encounter.— But great people are 
 privileged, you know, to have extraordinary animals in their 
 arms — 
 
 Riv. And monsters for supporters ! — Claughs.) But tell me, 
 dear sir ! How is this wretched mistake to be rectified ? — You 
 have announced me, you say, to Lord Hunsdon, as a suitor to 
 his daughter; and he expresses the utmost eagerness for the 
 match ? — 
 
 Mor. He would do as much for the Hoppo of Canton, if he 
 were heir to my estates 1 Hunsdon is miserably out at 
 elbows ; and fancies that decay in families, as in teeth, may 
 be stopped by gold 1 — 
 
 Riv. But I cannot leave him in error as to my intentions ; 
 and should he resent my seeming change of mind — 
 
 Mor. He was too long a member of the cabinet /or changes 
 of mind to surprise him ! 
 
 Riv. What steps, then, would you advise me to take, sir ? 
 Mor. Your carriage steps !— Make the best of your way 
 back to town ! — An honest man has no chance against the 
 clap-trap and stage-tricks of this house I 
 
 Riv. But when I tell you that the object of my affections is 
 coming here on a visit,— that she is, perhaps, already in the 
 house, — that J am all anxiety you should become acquainted 
 
48 QUID PRO QUO ; OR 
 
 with my dearest Ellen, — that you should plead my cause with 
 her family, — to whom I am still a stranger? 
 
 Mor. Are the Hunsdons acquainted with you by sight? 
 (Rivers makes a sign in the negative.) No ? Then all may 
 be accommodated ! — Hunsdon Castle, like most theatrical 
 houses now-a-days, is turned upside down, and the proprietors 
 out of their wits !— -You nearly drove me out of mine last 
 year at Mordent Hall, by your piping — 
 
 Riv. I am sorry to hear it! 
 
 Mor. I can introduce you therefore as a musical protege — 
 an artist — 
 
 Riv. But, my dear sir — 
 
 Mor. Or as the suitor of Lady Mary ! — Take your choice 1 — 
 
 Riv. Really, I— 
 
 Enter the Earl of Hunsdon, r. 
 
 Earl. Thank heaven, there is still one room in my house 
 undisturbed by the scene-painters ! — Ha ! Mordent ! 
 
 Mor. I was looking for you, to solicit your patronage for 
 this young gentleman, — an artist of merit, ambitious to figure 
 in Lady Hunsdon's orchestra. 
 
 [Rivers bows irresolutely. 
 
 Earl. As vocal or instrumental performer ? 
 
 Mor. Whichever you please ! — His issue of notes is unli- 
 mited as that of Threadneedle-street ! 
 
 Earl. And his name is — 
 
 Mor. His name'? — Let me see I — {to Riv.) Is your name N. 
 orM.?— 
 
 Riv. (embarrassed.) My name is Francis. 
 
 Earl. My wife and daughter, Mr. Francis, will be glad of 
 such an addition to their company — I will not answer for the 
 manager! — Managers are apt to be jealous; — and Sippet 
 fancies himself a man of prodigious taste ! 
 
 Mor. Prodigious indeed ! — Plenty of taste, — and as bad as 
 need be ! 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 49 
 
 Earl, (haughtily to Rivers, pointing to the back ground.) 
 The servants will show you the way to the music-room, till 
 Lady Hunsdon is at leisure to attend to you. 
 
 Riv. {aside.) A pleasant situation to find oneself in, among 
 one's nearest relations !— I suppose 1 shall be sent to dine in 
 the steward's room. 
 
 \Retires. Hammering heard without. 
 Earl. Those infernal carpenters! {To Mordent.) But a 
 house like this, if desirous to be popular in the county, must 
 go through these miseries ! — I suppose you sometimes con- 
 demn yourself to a month's hard labour at Mordent Hall, for 
 the benefit of your country neighbours? — 
 
 Mor. No ! / can aiford to enjoy their society as friends — 
 for I don't vi^ant to convert them into constituents. 
 
 Earl. But, surely, you might amuse even your friends with 
 private theatricals ? 
 
 Mor. By forcing them into extacies at seeing vilely per- 
 formed, what, when admirably acted in public, they will not 
 condescend to witness? — 
 
 Earl, (piqued.) Lady Mary is considered an incomparable 
 actress ! 
 
 Mor. So I heard Lord Algernon whisper to her just now, as 
 they were rehearsing together in — what do you call your new 
 piece ? 
 
 Earl. Faith, I hardly know ! But 'tis taken from the 
 French ! 
 
 Mor. Of course ! — Formerly we took forts and frigates from 
 the French ; — now, fashions and farces \ 
 
 Earl. Bravo, — bravissimo ! A famous sentiment for the 
 Oldfield hustings. — Come and second me to-morrow in pro- 
 posing the new candidate. 
 
 Mor. No, I thank you ! — I resigned my seat in parliament, 
 because, after fancying myself in my youth, a staunch Whig, 
 1 found myself in my age, always voting with the Tories ! 
 
 Earl. No uncommon mistake ! 
 
50 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Mor. But how did you manage, pray, to extricate the 
 borough of Oldlield out of the hands of the opposition ? 
 
 Earl. By soothing round to my interests a once adverse 
 neighbour ; and estabhshing in the heart of the corporation, 
 a perpetual ^dile. 
 
 Mor. Cogit, the ex-attorney I — (aside) — I guessed as 
 much I 
 
 Earl. My agent — and the best that ever man was blest 
 withl — I don't know how 1 should get on without Cogit! 
 
 Mor. So much the worse ! People eager to get on, are apt 
 to go too fast ! I never yet saw tlie ruined nobleman that 
 had not been blest with the best agent in the world 1 — like 
 an oak, drained of its sap by the specious miseltwe flou- 
 rishing on its withered branches! 
 
 Earl. A most illiberal comparison surely I But you will not 
 put me out of conceit with poor Cogit. 
 
 Mor. Fur be it from me lo decry him ! I have no doubt 
 he's a rogue of some genius. -—But liere come tlie ladies, and 
 their new tavourite. Lord ^Vlgernon 1 \_A lau^n, k. 
 
 Earl. A charming addition to our party ! 
 
 Enter the Countess, d. r.. Lady Mary and Henry, with 
 written parts m their hands. 
 
 Hen. (entering theatrically, to Lady M.J What can I 
 refuse to the most exquisite, — the most beloved of her sex ! 
 — (kisses her hand.) 
 
 Cou. Come, come, come ! — you are not rehearsing now. 
 You will turn her head, my dear Lord Algernon, by your 
 outrageous compliments. 
 
 Hen. 1 am sure her ladyship has turned mine. 
 
 Lady M. Make haste, then, and get it right ag in; for if 
 you put me out in my part by and by 1 will never forgive you. 
 The Earl approacnes them, and converses fairuliarly with 
 Ladv Mary and Henry. 
 
 Com. Sir Ueorge Mordent, 1 am come to carry off Lord 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 51 
 
 Hunsdon from you I His Ancient Concert experience will be 
 most useful to us in organizing our orchestra. 
 
 Mor. I am happy to be able to supply your ladyship with 
 a more valuable auxiliary — (beckons forward Rivers) — 
 a young musician, of first-rate talent, to whom ray friend 
 Hunsdon has promised his patronage. [Rsvers bows. 
 
 Cou. (nods patronizingly. J Professional, of course ? 
 
 Mor. Accustomed to play the first fiddle. — (aside to 
 Rivers.) — Eh! Francis? (aloud) — A capital 60 w / 
 
 Cou. The very person we were wanting! — Our Hunsdon 
 band is sadly in need of a conductor. 
 
 Mor. So I should imao-ine 1 — 
 
 Cou, We are this moment about to hold a council with our 
 stage manager. — {To Rivers.) — Follow me, and I will intro- 
 duce you to Captain Sippet. — (Rivers bows.) [Exeunt. 
 
 Mor. Will you admit me, also, behind the scenes? 
 
 Earl. Of course ! — We all belong to the council of manage- 
 ment. 
 
 Mor. I wish you joy ! — Between a theatre and an election 
 you will soon have your hands full and your pockets empty ! 
 — Next to possessing the best agent in the world, I know 
 no better prologue to " The Road to Ruin !" [Exeunt. 
 
 Scene III. — Behind the scenes of a private theatre. — Green 
 curtain down. — In front, scenes painting and carpenters at 
 work — noise and confusion — Lord Bellamont on a ladder 
 pnintinsr a scene. — Captain Sippet below, giving orders. — 
 The work-people surround him vociferatins:. 
 
 All. Please, sir, we're all a stand still ! 
 Sip. Go to the devil I 
 
 All. Please, sir, we wantj'our instructions ! 
 Sip. One at a time, if you please ! — (they struggle.) 
 \st Car. Piease, sir, how high am T to run up my flies? 
 2nd Car. I've no more twelve-inch deals. 
 3rd Car. Please, sir, the clerk of the works has shirked off 
 to Oldfield 1 
 
52 QUID PRO QUO ; OJl, 
 
 4th Car. Please, sir, I'm non-plussed for want of pullies ! — 
 {Hammering.J 
 
 Sip. Are you in league, fellows, to drive me to distraction ? 
 
 1st Pai. I can't noliow get two windows, sir, into the 
 Louis XIV saloon, sir! 
 
 2nd Pai. How many flats, sir, is wanted for the forest ? 
 
 3rd Pai. Is my door in the cottage, sir, PS. or OP., sir? 
 
 Sip. Which of you am I to answer ? — 
 
 ALL How are we to get on, if we've no instructions ? 
 
 Sip. Do you suppose — {sound of trumpets behind the 
 scenes) — Silence that confounded braying ! 
 
 Ser. It's the gentlemen in the hall, sir, rehearsing for the 
 hunting scene ! 
 
 All. We're waiting for orders ! —(surrounding hiin.J 
 
 Enter Property-man. 
 
 P. M. Is there a sofa wanted, sir, with the blue chairs, for 
 the red drawing-room? [^Trumpets — hammering. 
 
 Sip. — CstunnedJ~-Wh2it the deuce does the man say ? 
 
 P. M. I asked, sir, if yon wanted a sofa for the red draw- 
 ing-room ? 
 
 Sip. Two sofas ! — two ! 
 
 P. M. And if you could give me an idea of the banquet 
 scene, sir ? 
 
 All. But, sir ! — sir ! — 
 
 Sip. An idea ! — I have not oneXeit that is not topsy-turvy! — 
 I wonder whether there is such a thing as a manager's icard in 
 any of the lunatic asylums ? 
 
 Lord B. (from the ladder.) Bravo, old fellow ! — Encore, 
 Encore ! 
 
 Sip. (looking up) Silence ! What on earth are you at 
 up there. Bell ? 
 
 Lord B. (painting.) Adding a few Claude Lorrain-touches 
 to this rosy sunset ! 
 
 Sip. Making even the canvas blush for you, eh ? — 
 
 Lord B. (painting) There's freedom of touch; — there's 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES 53 
 
 a bold stroke for a Cartoon ! — I'll adopt that line of business ! 
 — It's coming up, they say ! — 
 
 Sip. I wish you would come down, you will spoil the scene. 
 
 Lord B. I wish you would come down from your high horse, 
 or you will spoil the fun. 
 
 All. Sir, we're still waiting for orders. (Lord B. descends.) 
 
 Sip. (to P. M.J You, sii, have your properties ready 
 for my inspection in half an hour. (To painters.) The fisher- 
 man's hut is to be thrown over, and we must re-furnish the 
 Louis XIV. saloon. As to — 
 
 Enter several Dressers, with Costumes. 
 
 1st Dres. Sir, we haven't a minute to lose with the cos- 
 tumes ! The courtiers are still only basted — 
 
 2nd Dres. And, please, sir, I'm neither here nor there with 
 the liveries. (They surround him with dresses.) 
 
 [Hammering and trumpets. 
 
 All. Sir, we're still waiting for orders. 
 
 Lord B. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Bravo ! bravo ! {Applauds vio- 
 lently.) " End of act I." Bravo ! — 
 
 Enter the Earl and Countess, Mordent anc? Rivers, Henry 
 and Lady Mary. Noise ceases. Lord Bella mont meets 
 them, with a dress on each arm, r. 
 
 Lord B. Just in time, mother, to settle about trimming our 
 jackets. — 
 
 Cou. (indignantly.) Have you got on no further than this ? 
 — You are terribly behind hand ! — 
 
 All. My lady, we've been waiting for orders ! 
 
 Lord B. Mutiny in the camp, Mr. Manager 1 
 
 Cou Captain Sippet, I relied entirely upon you. 
 
 Hen. (insolently.) Yes : we rehed implicitly upon you ! 
 Sip. Really, Lord Algernon, I — 
 
 Coxi. Nothing has been done since yesterday. 
 
 Hen. (insolently.) Nothing since yesterday ! — 
 
 Sip. Upon my soul. Lord Algernon, I — 
 
 Hen. You don't understand your business, my dear sir. 
 
54 QUID PRO QUO ; OB, 
 
 understand that '. — Better go and try a forty-third touch at the 
 pheasants, at Alnwick Castle. 
 
 Med (furious.) Oh ! I dont understand my business, don't 
 I?— 
 
 Lord B. There does not seem a very good understanding be- 
 tween you ! 
 
 Lady M. {bringing forward her dress.) How do you like 
 my new dress, dear Lord Algernon ? 
 
 Hen. New dress ! — The most abominable thing I ever saw 
 in my life. 
 
 Cou. Captain Sippet ! how could you let them make up any- 
 thing so odious ? 
 
 Sip. I assure your ladyship, it is perfectly correct. 
 
 Lord B. What ! when you hear Lord Algernon say 'tis the 
 most abominable thing he ever saw in his life ? 
 
 [Exeunt Workmen. 
 
 Earl. I have sent those poor fellows oflf to dinner, Lady 
 Hunsdon 1 — ^They have been at work since daybreak ! (pa- 
 thetically.) We must have some consideration for the lower 
 classes 
 
 Mor. Especially on the eve of an election ! — Clap-trap ! 
 
 Earl. Should these worthy men fancy themselves ill-used 
 under my roof — 
 
 Mor. The poor devils might "Waft a growl from Hunsdon to 
 the poll!" Clap-trap. 
 
 Cou. Really all this mis-management alarms me ! — 
 
 Hen. The thing will be a dead failure ! — 
 
 Lord B. (to Sippet.) Do you hear that, old fellow ? — Lord 
 Algernon is going to overturn your stage ! 
 
 Sip. Just as his lordship — that is, just as Lady Hunsdon 
 pleases, (aside.) Insolent blockhead. 
 
 Cou. At all events, my dear Lord Algernon, piay undertake 
 the musical department. — I put the orchestra entirely into your 
 hands — Here, you ! Mr. Francis ! — Where is Mr. Francis. 
 
 Mor. (pushes forward Rivers.^ Don't you hear yourself 
 called ? 
 
THK DAY OF DUPES. 55 
 
 Cou. You will have the goodness, sir, implicitly to ohey the 
 instructions of this gentleman. Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse. 
 
 [Rivers, indignant. 
 
 Hew. {insolently.) Yes ! — you will please to obey my in- 
 structions and — 
 
 Enter Servants, preceding Mr. and Mrs. Grigson and 
 Ellen. The Earl and Countess receive them. Lady 
 Mary takes Ellen's hand. 
 
 Gri, We have hastened to comply with your ladyship's 
 wishes. (Bows obsequiously.) 
 
 Earl. My dear Grigson — my excellent friend Grigson. 
 
 Gri. (aside.) His friend Grigson ! — and before the face of 
 the son of the Marquis of Plantagenet. 
 
 Lady M. ((jiving a paper to Ellen._^ Here is your part, 
 my dear Ellen — two lengths, — You will learn it before the re- 
 hearsal begins. 
 
 Ell, (opening it.) But it contains a song? — 
 
 Lady M. You can skip it, if you like. But we have a 
 professional man here — (a chorus singer, or something of 
 that kind^ — who will run it over for you in the music-room — 
 (feecftons Rivers) — Here, sir! Be so obliging as to hum over 
 this song for the young lady. 
 
 Ell. This — a chorus singer? — {both embarrassed.) 
 
 Mrs. G. {looking round.) Well, if ever ! — For a lord's 
 castle, T never saw anything look more like Sadler's Wells 1 
 
 Cou. Our friends, my dear Mrs. Grigson, are assembled in 
 the drawing-room. Give me leave to show you the way.. . 
 (movement) 
 
 Prcpeuty-man enters with a basket of properties. 
 
 Mor. (aside, shrugging his shoulders, going.) Comedians ! — 
 all comedians, — and sorry ones of their kind ! — Luckily, their 
 plot is susceptible of a counterplot : 
 
 And ere their curtain falls, as matters go. 
 
 The seeming dupes may give tht^m Quid Pro Quo. 
 
 \_Hammering — trumpets, 8fC. 
 
 EN!) of act ni. 
 
56 QUID PRO QUO ; OK, 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 Scene I. — Gallery at Hunsdon Castle. Lady Mary and 
 Ellen, as if rehearsing . 
 
 Lady M, Brava — bravissima, my dear ! You are better up 
 
 in your part than any of us! As to the song, suppose we 
 
 send for the new leader to accompany you ? — He seems a de- 
 
 centish sort of person. 
 
 Ell. {embarrassed.) If free from interruption, why not try 
 
 it in the music-room? 
 
 Lady M. With all my heart I — {looks out.) But here comes 
 
 Sir George, 
 
 Enter Sir George Mordent, l. 
 
 in time to plead the cause of his protege ! Ellen will not hear 
 
 of his assistance in our rehearsals. 
 
 Mor. {watching Ei.hKti.) Indeed ! 
 
 Lady M. She has no great opinion of your recommenda- 
 tion, or his abilities. 
 
 Mor. Or, perhaps, estimating them too highly, your fair 
 friend fears his criticism ? — 
 
 Ell. {embarrased.) I have no doubt, sir, that Mr. Fraacis is — 
 
 Lady M. A very tolerable scraper, — who will never set the 
 philharmonic into ecstacies, — or the Thames on fire ! 
 
 Mor. {aside.) Poor Frank ! — (Aloud) — Yet I promise you, 
 he is of a somewhat fiery temperament. For I left him, just 
 now, in the green-room, fighting a hard battle with Lord Alger- 
 non ; — and if his notes be only half as high as their words — 
 
 Ell. {eagerly.) A quarrel with Lord Algernon ? 
 
 Mor. I dare say it will end without bloodshed. 
 
 Ell. Bloodshed ! — Oh I sir, return, — I beseech — I entreat of 
 you , return ! 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 57 
 
 Mor. {aside.) No clap-trap here. She loves him ! 
 
 Ell. They may proceed to some fatal extremity ! 
 
 Lady M. Now, my dear Ellen ! As if our friend. Lord Al- 
 gernon, would risk his life against a poor musician! 
 
 Ell. The musician, if a man of spirit, may compel him ! 
 
 Mor, (aside.) A girl of sense and feeling ! — 
 
 Ell. If left together, the dispute may be renewed. You are 
 said to be kind and generous; show it, dear sir, by exercis- 
 ng your authority over Mr. Francis ! 
 
 Mor. Nay, — since y®u are so anxious, T will fetch him 
 hitherto receive your orders, (aside.) Amid all their artifice 
 and stage-trick, 'tis some comfort to discover a trace of feel- 
 ings that are genuine ! [^Exit, 
 
 Lady M. And since we have managed to get rid of him, now 
 for the song ! 
 
 Ell. ((Agitated.) The song ? Dearest Lady Mary, I am so 
 ill, — so nervous — 
 
 Servants without. I tell you the young ladies musn't be 
 interrupted. 
 
 Bri. (without.) Fellow, I know my duty ! 
 
 Lady M. Who have we here ? 
 
 Enter Bridget, rushing past the Servant, with a costume 
 on her arm, l. 
 
 Ell. Bridget? — Retire, I beg of you! 
 
 Bri. Miss Ellen, mem, — 
 
 Ell. I will speak to you in my own room. 
 
 Lady M. {coming down.) No, no, no ! — I will not have her 
 sent away. This is my business as well as yours. 'Tis 
 your dress for to-night ! 
 
 Bri. Dress, my lady ? — Does your ladyship call this a dress? 
 Where's the rest of it? — Mother Eve would have blushed to 
 appear in it 1 — Petticoat half-a-yard long 1 — Excuse m,e, my 
 lady ! — I've been deckorously brought up, and I have my 
 scruples. 
 
 a 
 
5b QUID PRO QUO ; OB, 
 
 Lady M. Ha! ha! ha! — This woman is a perfect treat! 
 Why, 'tis a Spanish costume I — Go and consult the manager ; 
 you will tind it quite correct. 
 
 Bri. The manager, my lady ? — Consult one of the mascu- 
 line gender about the length of a petticoat ? — No, my lady ! — 
 I have my scruples I 
 
 Lady M. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 
 Enter Captain Sippet and Rivers. 
 
 — Come and answer for yourself, Captain Sippet ! Here are 
 sad complaints of the impropriety of Donna Floranthe's cos- 
 tume ! How say you ? — Guilty, or not guilty ? 
 
 Sip. (sullenly.) Your ladyship must apply to Lord Alger- 
 non Fitz-Urse. / have no further voice in the matter. — I am 
 a cipher — a dumbmy. 
 
 Lady M. Superseded in your office of manager, in favour 
 of Lord Algernon ? Then, pray, Mr. Francis, run and tell 
 him I must speak to him immediately ! 
 
 Riv. (irresolute.) Fetch Lord Algernon hither ? 
 Lady M. Tell him I want him to help me in relieving the 
 scruples of an over dec/torous lady of the bed-chamber. 
 
 Ell. (eagerly.) Dear Lady Mary ! — You cannot be in ear- 
 nest ! — {aside.) — Pray, pray do not bring them together ! 
 
 Lady M. And why not, pray ? 
 
 Ell. I am enchanted with my dress ! — It is perfect. — I 
 would not have it altered for the world ! 
 
 Bri. Miss Ellen, mem, — I — (interposing,) 
 
 Ell. I entreat you not to send for Lord Algernon ! 
 
 Bri. My lady — I — [interposing.) 
 
 Lady M. Nay ! — since you are so afraid of interrupting his 
 managerial duties, let us go and consult him on the stage. 
 
 Bri. My lady — 
 
 LadyM. Follow us ! 
 
 Bri. Does your ladyship mean me to go on the stage ? — 
 Allow me to say, that I have been liccAorously brought up — 
 
 Lady M. And, I suppose, you have your scruples? — 
 
THE DAy OF DUPES. 
 
 59 
 
 (lauis^hs.) — Do not be alarmed 1 Our theatre is the most deck- 
 orously managed of any now extant. Allans ! 
 
 {Exeunt Lady Mary, Mordent, and Ellen. 
 
 Bn. (aside, ^oin^.) If yonder's not the young gentleman 
 
 who printed the length of his foot in our gravel-walks, my 
 
 name's not Bridget Prim ! — So much for the quiet little lamb ! 
 
 But I'll keep my eye upon him ! — Coming, my lady, coming ! 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Manent Rivers and Sippet, both furious. 
 
 Rii'. Not even a glance of recognition! — Going in pursuit 
 of Lord Algernon, before my very face ! — 
 
 Sip. Consult an animal like that, on matters of taste r — 
 
 Riv. I, that followed her from Brighton, at her express 
 desire. 
 
 Sip. I, that have worked like a galley-slave at their cursed 
 theatricals. 
 
 Riv. I might have spent a happy autumn at Mordent Hall. 
 
 Sip. I refused a pressing invitation from the Duchess of 
 Drumstick. 
 
 [Both gradually draw near each other, and talk together 
 till they meet. 
 
 Riv. As to that insolent Lord Algernon — 
 
 Sip. The most disgusting brute on earth ! 
 
 Riv. Sir? 
 
 ■Sip. I beg your pardon. 
 
 Riv. I spoke of the new manager, sir. 
 
 Sip. (shaking hands.) Sir ! You are a sensible man, I see 
 you understand something of theatricals. Delighted to make 
 your acquaintance. "We are agreed, I find, that this fellow 
 knows no more of management than my cab horse. 
 
 Enter Lord Bellamont, laughing immoderately. 
 
 What the deuce has happened ! 
 
 Lord B. The most capital fun ! [Laughs. 
 
 Sip. What amuses you, Bell ! 
 
60 QUID PKO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Lord B. There is an impostor in the house ! [Rivers starts. 
 
 Sip. An impostor? — 
 
 Lord B. A fellow come under a feigned name to take part 
 in our private theatricals. 
 
 Sip. You don't say so ! 
 
 Lord B. I have set Cogit to follow up his track, and if my 
 suspicions prove true, let the fellow look to himself. 
 
 Sip. But how and where did you detect him? 
 
 Lord B. Don't you remember that, when you first intro- 
 duced him to me at the Hunsdon Arms, you — 
 
 Sip. ('overjoyed.) What the'deuce ? — You don't mean that 
 'tis the new manager ! 
 
 Riv. Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse ? 
 
 Sip, The son of the Marquis of Plantagenet ? 
 
 Lord B. No more son to the Marquis of Plantagenet than 
 my friend Tweedledum, here^fstaps Rivers on the back) — is 
 son to Donizetti ! 
 
 Sip. Did not I tell you, from the first, I had my suspicions? 
 
 Lord B. Not you — or I never should have mistrusted the 
 fellow ! 
 
 Sip. But how came you to surmise — 
 
 Lord B. I heard with my ears ! Seeing's not believing, 
 — but hearing is. While Mary and her pretty friend were 
 consulting him, just now, about the dresses, I heard the 
 old mother whisper to him — " Harry, Harry ! — you are almost 
 as great a goose as your uncle!" — Now, Lord Algernon 
 Fitz-Urse may be a goose f — but, hang me, if he answers to 
 the name of " Harry .'" 
 
 Riv. (aside.) The hateful cousin, Henry Grigson, in dis- 
 guise ! — 
 
 Sip. I was certain he announced himself in the railroad as 
 nephew to Hollyhock Lodge! (To Rivers.) Don't you 
 hate and abominate such imposition? 
 
 Lord B. I've employed Cogit to ascertain, through the 
 servants, whether the fellow's clothes are branded with the 
 mark of " H. G.; " — and if so, woe betide him ! — 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 61 
 
 Med. If one could only ascertain it before the play ! 
 Riv. {aside.) If I could only force him to quit the field ! 
 
 Enter Cogit, l. 
 
 Lord B. Well ! old pounce-and-parchment ! What news ? 
 Patrician or plebeian ?— - 
 
 Cog. I lament to say, my lord, that, with the most zealous 
 desire to serve the cause of truth— (Tjom's) — and your lordship, 
 the mysteries of the young gentleman's portmanteau defy my 
 penetration ! 
 
 Lord B. Bramah's lock — eh ?— Lord Algernon, (alias the 
 lord knows who,) seems up to trap ! 
 
 Sip. and Riv, Provoking ! 
 
 Cog. But, with your lordship's sanction, I will send up my 
 clerk to town, by the early train, to ascertain at the Admi- 
 ralty whether Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse or Lieutenant Grigson, 
 be absent from H. M. S. the Artaxerxes, 
 
 Lord B. (slapping him on the back.) You're a brick !-.-But 
 even the fast train's too slow when there's fun in the wind ! 
 Sippet, my boy, let us have a shy at the fellow, in our own 
 way? 
 
 Sip. A moment I My dramatic experience suggests a coun- 
 terplot ! What if we spread a report in the castle that Lord 
 Algernon has returned home from India, after mortally wound- 
 ing a gallant brother officer in a duel ? — Under such an asper- 
 sion, take my word for it, the ass will throw off his lion's 
 skin ! 
 
 Lord B. Absconded from a coroner's verdict, eh ?— The 
 very thing ! 
 
 Cog. If I may be pardoned, my lord, for expressing an 
 opinion, I doubt whether the earl, my noble patron, would 
 sanction, just now, any measure tending to provoke reprisals 
 on the part of Mr. Grigson, of Oldfielri. 
 
 Lord B. Oldfield be — ahem I — What's the election to me ? 
 — Sippet ! I'm your man ! We'll spring the mine to-night 
 at the rehearsal. 
 
62 QUID PEO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Sip. "The play — the play's the thing!" — Come along, 
 and let us see the manager's last kick I — his last appearance 
 upon any stage ! 
 
 [Takes Lord B.'s arm. 
 
 Lord B. (going to Riv.J Here, you — Signer Six Octave I— - 
 What's your name ? — An't you of the party? 
 
 Riv. (starting.) My lord? 
 
 Sip. Never mind him — his head is full of crotchets. 
 
 Lord B. No ; by Jove ! he's paid to accompany us.— 
 (To Riv.) — So, con spiritol Mr. Leader \-— (dragging himj — 
 March ! and in double quick time. 
 
 [Exeunt laughing Lord B., Sippet, and Rivers. 
 Manet Cogit. 
 
 Cog. Here is a discovery ! — Here is an unexpected stroke of 
 fortune ! If I can only manage to disgust the earl with old 
 Grigson, and detain him to-morrow from the town-hall — (no 
 matter by what means^ — I might still carry my point. Once 
 in parliament, the wheel of fortune would run with a patent 
 axle. — Parliament is the first step of the ladder, reaching 
 from the mire to the throne ! — (pauses.) — It shall be done ! 
 The earl has furnished me with the means of marring his 
 projects; and my chairing may yet damp the spirits of " mine 
 host of the garter I" 
 
 [Exit, L. 
 
 Scene II. — Theatre at Hunsdon Castle - Green curtain and 
 foot-lights. — Ranged on one side, Bridget, Spraggs, and 
 Servants ; arm chairs imcant on the other. — Enter the Earl 
 and Countess, Mr. and Mrs. Grigson, Mordent, Henry, 
 Sippet, and guests. 
 
 Mrs. G. (entering.) Well, I declare ! If one had only to 
 pay at the doors, one might fancy oneself in a playhouse ! 
 
 Gri. (aside.) Mrs. G. ' 
 
 Mrs. G. {to Mor.) Could not you fancy, sir, you smelt 
 orange-peel, and heard " Buy a bill of the play ?" 
 
 Mor. Permit me, madam, to officiate as box-keeper, and 
 conduct you to a place.— (.<4ii sit.) \ 
 
THE DAY OF UUI-ES. 63 
 
 Mrs. G. (sitting down.) I am in such a fluster as never was, 
 to think of my Nelly turning up her pipes before all these 
 fine folks ! 
 
 Earl. My dear Grigson 1 1 trust you have a comfortable 
 seat? 
 
 Grig, (half rising.) Any seat secured to me by your 
 lordship — (pardon the little allusion) — is most gratifying to 
 my feelings ! [^Tuning instruments. 
 
 Mrs. G. Well! to be sure, how real it does sound! 
 
 Cou. (rising and looking round.) I fancy we are all ready? 
 — But where is dear Lord Algernon ? 
 
 Sip. Officiating as prompter behind the scenes. 
 
 Cou. No. no, no ! — I must have him in front to-night, or 
 he will never be able to judge the effects I — Anybody will do for 
 prompter. Here, Sippet {---there's a good soul! — do you go 
 and prompt them ! 
 
 Sip. (coughing.) I've a most severe cold. — I foresee a 
 terrible influenza. — Your ladyship must excuse me ! Though 
 I've eaten a box of Stolberg's lozenges since dinner, I'm as 
 hoarse as a raven ! — (coughs.) 
 
 Mor. Allow me to supply his place. \_Going. 
 
 Earl. You, my dear Mordent ? — Not for worlds ! 
 
 Mor. (going) Lady Mary has rehearsed to me till I am up 
 in every cue. When Lord Algernon comes round, let him 
 give the signal to the orchestra.— faijrfe, going)— -To get at 
 the secrets of any house, the best place is behind the scenes. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Mrs. G. If there are not our folks among the servants I 
 (Calls.) Bridget ! got a good place, Bridget ? — You will see 
 Miss Ellen, bye and bye, Bridget ! — 
 
 Bri. Of course, mem. (Aside.) Was ever conduct so in- 
 deckorous ? 
 
 Sip. (drawing the Earl to the Jront.) I entreat your lord- 
 ship's pardon. I could not have commanded my feelings, my 
 dear lord, to act as prompter ! The astounding — the afflict- 
 ing news that has just arrived — 
 
64 QUID PRO QUO ; OR 
 
 Earl. From OldfieU ?— 
 
 Sip, From Madras ! 
 
 Earl, (relieved.) I have no interest, sir, in India. 
 
 Sip. That is — not since he — absconded. 
 
 Earl. Absconded ' Of whom are you talking ? 
 
 Sip. The unfortunate Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse ! To-mor- 
 row's Times will doubtless contain an extract from the Hur- 
 karul It arrived at the India House by the Overland Mail I 
 {Sighs.) Eleven days from the Red Sea ! 
 
 Earl. What arrived by the Overland Mail ? 
 
 Sip. The verdict — Wilful Murder ! — Quite right ! — They 
 cannot do too much to put down the barbarous practice of 
 duelling! 
 
 Earl. Do you mean to say that — 
 
 Sip. The victim was one of the most promising officers in 
 Her Majesty's service ! — 
 
 Enter Henry; the Countess makes room. 
 
 Cou. Stand aside, there, pray ! This way, my dear Lord 
 Algernon, I have kept a chair for you by my side. 
 
 Hen. Letter H. ! Front row ! [Seats himself. 
 
 Cou. Have you been able to reduce the chaos of our green- 
 room to something like order? 
 
 Hen. Why, thanks to the manager's blunders, the Spanish 
 is still in arrear. The young peer, like the Hungerford, is 
 waiting for a finishing touch. 
 
 Earl, {aside to SiP.J But he surely cannot be apprised 
 that — 
 
 Sip. Hush, hush ! — the piece is going to begin ! 
 
 [Bell rings. 
 
 Earl. Nay, but I must insist that — 
 
 Sip. Order, order ! my dear lord. {Fery loud.) Silence 1 
 
 Mrs. G. Now, mind you all applaud when the curtain draws 
 up ! — It puts the performeis into heart, {.i laugh.) 
 
 [Short overture — bell rings — curtain draws up — applause. 
 
THE DAY OF UUPES. 65 
 
 Scene. — A gaudy Dressing-room. Ladv Mary [as the Du- 
 
 chess of Segovia) at her toilet. Eli-en {as Donna Floranthe) 
 
 in front . 
 
 Lady M. {with affected enunciation.) " I own, my charming 
 Floranthe, I am all amazement at your courage? How, my 
 dear? — After escaping from your convent, you have actually 
 traversed the enemy's lines, in order to throw yourself into 
 the arms of your guardian, the Duke of Segovia?" 
 
 [Applause. 
 
 Mrs. G. Now for Nelly ! 
 
 Ell. (very low.) " Even so, my dear duchess." 
 
 Mrs. G. {loud.) Speak up, my dear ! — Louder ! — 
 
 Sip. (loud.) Silence 1 [A laugh. 
 
 Ell. "Even so, my dear duchess! My only hope is in 
 your kindness and protection 1" [Applause. 
 
 Lady M. " Rely upon my friendship" — 
 
 Mrs. G. Turn you face this way, my dear ! 
 
 Ell. " I do, I do ! My confidence in you has enabled me to 
 support with patience the unexampled perils and inexpressi- 
 ble anguish of my miserable lot." [u^eeps. 
 
 Mrs. G. {rising.) Mr. G. ! — Where's G. ? — Don't she do it 
 beautiful ? 
 
 Lady M. " Believe me, my ever lovely friend" — 
 
 Enter Lord Bellamont, as a Page {applause.) 
 
 Lord B. {on one knee, awkwardly.) "A letter from the 
 king." 
 
 Lady M. {starts affectedly.) " From the king." 
 
 Lord B. {rising.) " Ha I Whom do my eyes behold ? It must 
 —it must be the amiable Donna— Donna Floranthe — di — di" 
 
 Mor. {behind, as prompter.) " Donna Floranthe di Villa 
 Franca" — 
 
 Lord B. "Ay ! that's it ! Donna Floranthe di Villa Franca." 
 
 [Loud applause. 
 
66 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Lady M. " These cruel tidings cut me to the soul ! — My 
 sweet Floranthe, I beseech you to take your lute, and let its 
 dulcet notes dissipate the cares of your unhappy friend ! {To 
 the Page.) For you ! return to your royal master, and tell 
 him, whatever the issue of this unjust and cruel war, the 
 Duchess of Segovia will remain true to the faith of her ances- 
 tors !" [Jpplause — exit Page. 
 [Music, iL'hile Ellen fetches the lute. 
 
 Enter Servant, and whispers to Sippet and the Earl, 
 
 Earl. God bless my soul ! — But let them at least wait till 
 the close of the performance. 
 
 Ser. My lord, they say the warrant admits of no delay, 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Earl. Was there ever anything so annoying? — A warrant, 
 by a special train, for the apprehension of poor Lord Al- 
 gernon ! 
 
 Sip. His apprehension ? (Aside.) I like a joke as well 
 as anybody ! But really, upon my soul, this is carrying the 
 joke too far ! This must be old Cogit's doing ! 
 
 Earl. Conceive the scandal such an arrest will produce in 
 the county, — and on the eve of the election ! 
 
 Re-enter Servant, with Officers, loho remain at the door. 
 
 (To Sip.) For heaven's sake, go and stop the performance ! 
 
 \_Exit Sippet. 
 {To Ser.) Desire the establishment to withdraw. 
 
 \_Music ceases — curtain descends. 
 Mrs. G. Hillo ! — what are you about? — don't Jet down the 
 curtain. Nelly is going to give us a song. [Exeunt Servants. 
 This is too bad ! Why she sings it like a little nightingale. 
 Earl. Madam! I must request your indulgence! 
 
 [All rise. Confusion. 
 Earl, (to Henry.) My dear young friend. It is my painful 
 duty to apprise you, that the officers of justice are in the 
 house. 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 67 
 
 Hen. The officers oi justice? In what I have done, surely 
 there is nothing criminal ? I meant it for a lark. 
 
 Earl. A lark, my lord? [Shakes his head, gravely. 
 
 Hen. T'am not the first who has made use of another man's 
 name. 
 
 Earl. Another man's name ? What ! forgery as well as 
 murder .?— My lord, I feel for you. But it is not for an ex- 
 minister of the crown to oppose any obstacle to the execution 
 of the laws of the realm. iBeckons Officers, who advance. 
 Re-enter Sippet. 
 
 Mrs.G. (whimpering.) Lord, lord! — what are they a 
 going to do to our Harry. 
 
 Sip. (aside to Mrs. G.) Clap him into Newgate, ma'am, 
 as a reward for his bad management. 
 
 Mrs. G. (screams.) Newgate? (Calls Mr. G.) — Where's 
 G 1 — You won't let them carry off to prison your poor unfor- 
 tunate nephew ? 
 
 Gri. My nephew ? 
 
 Mrs. G. He is no more Lord Algernon anything, than he is 
 Lord Mayor of London ! — Tis only Harry Grigson ! 
 
 Gri. Mrs. G., — you are a wag. 
 
 Mrs. G. You are an unnatural uncle, — that's what you are 
 
 Gri. Do not embroil me, pray, with my noble patron, by 
 advancing such accursed absurdity. 
 
 Earl. Madam ! — this subterfuge arises from an impulse of 
 humanity that does you honour — but it is useless. 
 
 Hen. But, when I swear to you, my lord, on the honour of 
 a British sailor — 
 
 Earl. Young man — young man ! — profane not that glorious 
 name, by enlisting it in the cause of deception. 
 
 Cou. (pathetically.) Be not too hard upon him, my dear 
 lord. (Aside, familiarly.) Remember, his elder brother is in 
 a decline ! [Officers take him. 
 
 Hen. But I'll be hanged if I submit to this ! 
 
 Sip. Hanged, whether or no, — like George Barnwell! 
 
68 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Hen. The whole thing is a /loax, — ajoke, — a.n imposition I 
 
 Sip. My lord, my lord ! — At this awful moment, recollect 
 
 yourself ! — Be composed ! — 
 
 Mrs. G. (roars.) Oh dear — oh dear — oh ! dear ! 
 
 Cou. The poor Marchioness of Plantagenet ! 
 
 ISinks fainting into a chair. 
 
 Hen. I vow to heaven, I — 
 
 Earl. Officers! Remove your prisoner ! 
 
 \A group. 
 
 END OF ACT IV, 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 69 
 
 ACT V. 
 
 Scene I. — Hall at Hunsdon Castle, opening in the centre 
 to the park. 
 
 Charles crosses, Bridget follows with a letter. 
 
 Cha. It's no mortal use, I tell you ! You're the most owda- 
 ^'ious woman ever entered this house, — and that's no trifle to 
 say of you ! 
 
 Bri. (coaxing.) Just for five minutes ! 
 
 Cha. Not a jifify ! I'd plague enough with your imperence 
 in the music-room, yesterday. 
 
 Bri. But, dear Mr. Charles — 
 
 Cha. Don't Mr. Charles me/ MmAyour distance, and I'll 
 mind my dooty ! \^Going. 
 
 Bri. (stops him.) I respect your scruples, for I was deckor- 
 ously brought up ! But if you could convey this bit of a note 
 to my Lord Algernon — 
 
 Cha. I'm not going to lose my place by meddling in what 
 don't consarn me, — as my lord lost his ! 
 
 Bri. Look! — 'tis so small 'tis not worth speaking of. — 
 Come I act like a good Samaritan, and put half-a-crown in 
 your pocket ! 
 
 Cka. Half-a-crown, indeed? I might have had a five pound 
 note from our young lady, for the self-same job! But how 
 was I to manage it? The justice-room door's locked, and the 
 key in Sir George Mordent's pocket! 
 
70 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Bri, {changing her tone.) Why couldn't you say so at first, 
 stupid blockhead? — and not keep me losing my time ! 
 
 Cha. (going.) Well, Mrs. Griffin, I must say, if you was 
 deckorously brought up, you've taken French leave of your 
 manners ! [Exit. 
 
 Bri. Umph ! Not a chance, then, of the suv'reign pro- 
 mised me by missus! I've a mind to turn Queen's evi- 
 dence, and see what's to be got by delivering the lettter to 
 master ! From the first, I'd my scruples about carrying billet 
 doux for a lady of her years and dimensions ; and why shouldn't 
 he be an Othello as well as she a Desdemonia ? — But here he 
 comes. [Retires. 
 
 Enter Grigson with his hat, as if going out. 
 
 Grig. The whole castle is at sixes and sevens ; — not a be 
 answered, — not a servant in the way ! Mrs. G. as sulky as 
 a bear, — Nelly whimpering in her own room! 
 
 \going, Bridget stops him. 
 
 Bri. With your permission, sir, — 
 
 Gri. Get out of the way ! — 
 
 Bri. I wish to — 
 
 Gri. Don't you see I'm in a hurry ? — Lord Hunsdon, who 
 was off to town by the early train, promised to be back at 
 twelve, to meet me at Oldfield, — and I am going to order the 
 carriage. [Going. 
 
 Bri. If you value your honour, sir, quit not the castle ! 
 (Takes out her handkerchief.) Oh ! sir I — 
 
 Gri. Here's another of them beginning to whimper ! 
 
 Bri. That I should behold so good a master wronged in 
 such a pint. [Cries. 
 
 Gri. Wrongedl Hey day ! (Aside.) May be she has some 
 inkling about the election? 
 
 Bri. (giving the letter.) Read, sir, — and, if you can, for- 
 give. 
 
 Gri. A letter for me ? From my lord, I suppose ! Why 
 couldn't you give it me at first ? (Reads.) " Keep up your 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 71 
 
 spirits!" So I do ! " We shall jockey them at last." 
 Hurrah! "In half an hour the poor dupe will be off to the 
 town hall." Hallo ? " And then, I will hasten to j'ou, and 
 devise means of setting you at liberty; Your own, D. G." 
 that is, " Dorothy Grigson." My wife's D. and G., as I am 
 a christian man ! (Looks at the address.) And addressed " to 
 the Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse." — That I should not have re- 
 cognized the hand-writing 1 have revei'enced so long in my 
 family recipe book ! His oton D, G. A woman born Anno 
 Domini seventeen hundred and — No matter ! ;She must be 
 in her dotage! — This then was her iniquitous motive for 
 trying to pass off the young lord as my nephew ? — And I 
 fancied it zeal to make a lady of her daughter ! — Oh ! woman, 
 woman! (Sees Bridget crying.) And you, too, crocodile ! 
 (seizes her) with all your scruples, you must needs be car- 
 rying- love-letters for your misguided old missus 1 (Shakes 
 her.) Answer me !— How long has this affair been going on ? 
 
 Bri. Goodness, gracious, sur, — If I'd ha' thought you'd 
 ha' took it in this light — 
 
 Gri. Light, woman ? Darkness, utter darkness. My faith- 
 ful partner of Gracechurch Street ; — the fond companion of 
 my annual trips to Margate; — she, whom I cherished in my 
 bosom, as an ornament to the name of Grigson. 
 
 Bri. (roars.) Oh 1 sir ! 
 
 Gri. I shall never get over it. Let the House o' Commons 
 go to the devil ! — Farewell the corporation — the hustings — 
 the returning officer ! — Farewell the Oldfield band and Na- 
 tional anthem. —Farewell the banners and cockades, and the 
 cries of " Grigson for ever!" 
 
 Bri. (aside.) Jeremiah's occupation's gone ! 
 
 Gri. Root and branch, the honour of my house has de- 
 parted I 
 
 Bri. Some mischievous knave then has acquainted you with 
 the affair between Miss Ellen and the young musician ? The 
 young man she used to meet on the sly, sir, in the gardens at 
 
72 QUID PRO QOO ; OR, 
 
 Hollyhock Lodge, and who is now fiddling here in the or- 
 chestra. 
 
 Gri. My daughter too ? — My daughter ? — 
 
 Bri. Restrain your feelings, sir. Here's some of the Castle 
 company. Retire, retire ! 
 
 [Draw;* him back. 
 
 Enter Captain Sippet, Sir George Mordent, and Lord 
 Bellamont. 
 
 Mor. Impossible!— quite impossible ! 1 officiate as janitor 
 during Lord Hunsdon's absence ; and not a soul must obtain 
 access to the prisoner. I expect him every moment. He is 
 gone to ascertain at the Admiralty whether this affair be not 
 an impertinent hoax. — {showing a key) — Here are my cre- 
 dentials; and not a human being shall enter the justice-room. 
 
 Grig, {bursting from Bridget, and rushing forward.) Stick 
 to that, sir, — stick to it, if you would preserve a respectable 
 family from destruction ! 
 
 Mor. You are beginning, then, to sympathize with the 
 distress of your nephew ? 
 
 Grig, No more my nephew than the Pope's ! 
 
 Lord B. Come, come, old Wirewovel Don't disown your 
 own flesh and blood. 
 
 Grig. My flesh and blood ? 
 
 Sip. A nephew, as like you as two quires of Bath post ! 
 
 Gri. I tell you the only nephew I have to call my own, is 
 cruising off the island of Loo Tchoo 1 
 
 Lord B. And I tell you he is kicking his heels in the justice- 
 room ! 
 
 Gri. I would pay five thousand pounds on the counter, 
 and ask no discount, to any nobleman or gentleman who could 
 prove as much. 
 
 Mor. {aside. ^ That sounds like earnest? No clap-trap in 
 that ! 
 
 Lord B. fto Sip.) If it should prove the reaZ Lord Alger- 
 non after all ! — what a couple of spoons we should look ! 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES 73 
 
 Sip. (to Lord B.) I give it up !— The affair is getting as con- 
 fused and complicated as an act of parliament I 
 
 Gri. (to MoR.) You are his jailor, sir, and to you I am ready 
 to make oath, that he is not only Lord Algernon Fitz-Urse, 
 but deserves to be prosecuted with the utmost rigour of the 
 law !— Hanging's too good for him 1 — " I'd have him twenty 
 years a-killing !" 
 
 Mor. Here's a revolution ! Hollyhock Lodge declare war 
 against the aristocracy of the real m ? — 
 
 Lord B. Jeremy Grigson vote for hanging a lord ? — Ha ! 
 ha! ha! 
 
 Gri. May I never set eyes on one again ! — unless it be the 
 Lord Mayor. So long as I've breath in my body, I'll — 
 
 Mor. Come, come ! You are excited, my dear sir — you are 
 excited t (Aside to Grigson, going.) Let the Earl himself be 
 made answerable for the mischiefs fostered by his folly, 
 
 [Leads o^ Grigson, soothing him. Aside, going. 
 — Yonder foolish boy is beneath your notice, 
 
 {Exeunt. 
 
 Lord B. I say, old fellow, here is a pretty go ! 
 
 Sip. I tell you what. Bell ! matters are beginning to look 
 screwy ! I have a mind to be off to the Duchess of Drum- 
 stick's, before your father comes back. [Going. 
 
 Lord B. You are beginning to flinch, eh ? about your forged 
 warrant ? 
 
 Sip. (returns.) Mine ? What do you mean ? I had no hand 
 in the arrest. 
 
 Lord B. Come, come I If old Cogit signed, sealed, and 
 delivered the writ, 'tis my belief you wrote every line of it. 
 
 Sip, No more than I wrote Coningsby ! — 
 
 Lord B. Then, egad there is a deeper plot afoot than we 
 knew of ! For the arrest was all Greek to me, and I need not 
 tell you that Gi-eek is neither here nor there 
 
 [Touching his heart and head. 
 
 Sip. I would advise you to say as much to Lord Hunsdon ! 
 — For my part, I'm off like a Congreve. 
 
74 QUID PKO QUO ; OK, 
 
 Lord B. Not you, by Jupiter, till you have owned the chicks 
 of vour hatching ! or that crabbed cousin of mine will be for 
 pulling nie up, and suggesting retribution to the governor. 
 
 Sip. Better mend the morals of his protege yonder, Francis 
 the First, whom I left pouring his demi-semiquavers con 
 atnore, into the ears of old Grigson's pretty heiress, in the 
 library. 
 
 Lord B. If 1 can only catch him in the fact, I will favour 
 Professor Mordent with a touch of lex talionis. — Have at him ! 
 
 Sip. Hush I less noise, or you will frighten the fox from the 
 covert. [Exeunt, c. 
 
 Enter Ellen a7ul Rivers. 
 
 Ell. Never, never shall I forgive myself for having deceived 
 ray parents I — And now that their suspicions are roused — 
 Riv. Dear Ellen, what makes you thus anxious? 
 
 Enter Lord Bellamont, behiiid, listening. 
 
 Bel. So 1 here they are. 
 
 Rii\ Had not Mordent insisted upon introducing me into 
 the castle, under a feigned name. — 
 
 Lord B. (aside.) The deuce he did ! 
 
 i?w. These perplexities would have been spared us ! But, 
 I will now throw myself on the indulgence of the family. 
 
 Lord B. {aside.) Give me leave to spare you the trouble. 
 The mountain shall come to Mahomet. \_Exit c. 
 
 Ell. The terrible discovery concerning Lord Algernon hav- 
 ing disgusted my father and mother with their projects, — 
 
 Riv. I am not without hope, dearest, of obtaining their 
 consent to our union ! 
 
 [Thrown his arm round her waist. 
 
 Re-enter Lord Bellamont, bringing Mr. and Mrs. 
 Grigson, the Countess and Lady Mary. Sippet 
 and Mordent folloiring. 
 
 Cheer up, therefore 1 U group. 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 75 
 
 AH. Abominable! — scandalous! 
 
 Mrs. G. (bursts forward and parts them.) Nelly ! 
 
 [Confusion. 
 Gri. Gat into parliament ? — Rather into Hanwell for the 
 rest of my days ! 
 
 Enter the Earl of Hunsdon. Servants following. 
 
 Cou. ("meeting the E\ri..) At last I Welcome, welcome! 
 (Aside) Is all right? 
 
 Earl, (aside.) One moment. (Aloud.) Let me first inquire 
 of my worthy friend Grigson, the state of the poll? 
 
 Gri. (whining.) My lord ! 
 
 Earl. Unable to return in time, I furnished Cogit with a 
 note to the mayor and corporation, in your favour. 
 
 Mrs. G. Is this a time, pray, to bother folks with electioneer- 
 ing rubbish? — My daughter ! 
 
 Gri. My fifty thousand pounds ! — 
 
 Earl. What has happened to them ? 
 
 Gri. Fallen the prey of an adventurer! 
 
 Mrs. G. A fellow with an alias to his name ! 
 
 Gri. A fiddler ! — a scraper of catgut ! — 
 
 Cou. (coniemptuoushj .) In one word, my lord. Miss Grig- 
 son has bestowed her affections upon (^points') an artist ! 
 
 Earl. The protege of my kinsman, Sir George Mordent? 
 No such grievous matter after all ! — Come, come, come 1 Let 
 me reconcile matters ! 
 
 Gri. Never, my lord, never ! 
 
 Earl, (aside, shrugging his shoulders.) The mean selfish- 
 ness of human vanity ! 
 
 Mor. Clap-trap ! 
 
 Gri. I disown her — I disclaim her ! — 
 
 Earl. Compose yourself, ray dear sir! Believe me, the 
 times are past for resenting such disproportions I — In these 
 days of social enlightenment, my dear Grigson, education 
 make the man ! — The philosophy of the age we live in, re- 
 cognizes no pragmatical distinctions ! — We are more generous. 
 
76 QUID PKO QUO ; OB, 
 
 we are move just I — Come I Give your blessing to the young 
 people ! 
 
 Mrs. G. Nelly and fifty thousand pounds to a man we 
 don't know from Adam? — G. ! Don't be wheedled out of 
 your consent, for the sake of a fellow who snaps her up for 
 her fortune ! 
 
 Mor. (advancing.) Not quite so hard, my dear madam, 
 upon one who is not only a man of honour, and a near kins- 
 man of your noble neighbour, the Earl of Hunsdon, but heir 
 to my estate! 
 
 Earl, Heir to his estate ? — I am thunderstruck ! 
 
 Mor. (presenting Rivers.^ Give me leave, my dear Lord 
 and Lady Hunsdon, to introduce to your acquaintance, our 
 young cousin, Francis Rivers— hereafter to become Francis 
 Rivers Mordent, of Mordent Hall. 
 
 Mrs. G. Nelly, Nelly ! You sly little puss \— (kisses her.) 
 
 Gri. Cousin to the Earl of Hunsdon ? and heir to ten 
 thousand a-year 1 - - (joining their hands.) — If I'd twenty 
 daughters tliey should be yours 1 [They embrace. 
 
 Lord B. '' Entered at Stationer's Hall !" 
 
 Sip. The banns " to be published as the Act directs.' ' 
 
 Cou. (hysterically.) Give me leave, Mr. Francis Rivers, 
 to oflfer you my sincere congratulations on your appropriate 
 choice. 
 
 Earl, (stiffly.) Expressing, at the same time, my regret that 
 the mode of your intrusion into Hunsdon Castle, should have 
 somewhat damped the warmth of your reception. 
 
 Mor. (aside.) Clap-trap I-"('.4/oMd.)-— My dear ma'am, we 
 are quite content. 
 
 Riv. (proudly.) And, though we have had too much mas- 
 querading- of late, my clear Ellen would gain by appearing in 
 all times and places, in her genuine character. 
 
 [Kisses her hand. 
 
 Mrs. G. An outspoken, young fellow, and after my own 
 heart I Since you could not lake a fancy to your cousin 
 
THE DAY OF DUPES. 77 
 
 Harry, marry him, child, and malce him a good and happy wife ! 
 
 Mor. But, my dear lord ! what news, pray, of your appli- 
 cation at the Admiralty ? Am I to bring ray prisoner into 
 court? [Produces the key, the Earl takes it. 
 
 Earl. You need not trouble yourself; one of my people 
 will suffice ! (Gives the key to Servant.) Desire Mr. Henry 
 Grigson to walk this way. [Exit Servant. 
 
 (Looking with dignity at Sippet.J By whom this wretched 
 impertinence was first devised, I shall hereafter inquire, and 
 fitly acknowledge ! 
 
 Re-enter Servant, with Henry. 
 
 All. Henry Grigson ! 
 
 Mrs. G. (falling on his neck.) Harry — my dear Harry ! 
 Hen. My kind auntl 
 
 Gri. Say that again — only say it again, and make me the 
 happiest old fool in the county ! 
 
 Hen. I could wish you, my dear uncle, a more satisfactory 
 distinction ! 
 
 Gri. God save the Queen ! My nephew, — my nephew that 
 I fancied at Hong-Kong ! "His own D. G. 1" — of course ! 
 His kind, good, excellent, thoughtful aunt, — the best of 
 mothers and most faithful of wives!— Oh ! Dorothy ! 
 
 [They embrace. 
 Lord B. Darby and Joan for ever ! Hurrah 1 
 Sip. (applauding.) Encore ! Encore ! 
 
 [ They embrace again. 
 Cou. (sneering.) May you find, young man, in the joy of 
 these family effusions, compensation forthe loss of your cousin 
 Nelly, and her fifty thousand pounds ! 
 
 Hen. (goes to Lady Mary and takes her hand.) I have fore- 
 stalled all necessity, madam, for compensation, by securing 
 perfect happiness here I [Kisses Lady Mary's hand. 
 
 Cou. Unhand my daughter, sir 1 — What means this inso- 
 lence ? 
 
78 QUID PIIO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Hen. It means that the charming Duchess of Segovia has 
 pledged her heart and hand to the fortunate stage-manager of 
 your ladyship's private theatricals ! — 
 
 Sip. (aside.) A pretty business I have made of it 1— Choused 
 out of my management and a wife 1 
 
 Mor. So much for private theatricals !— 
 
 Com. Lady Mary Grigson 1 — I shall expire I 
 
 [Leans on Sippet. 
 
 Earl, {to Henry^ Sir ! I desire you ■will instantly quit the 
 castle ! 
 
 Mor. Come, come, come \— {assuming the manner of the 
 Earl) — Let me reconcile matters ! As you were saying just 
 now, " the times are past for resenting such disproportions 1 
 — In these days of social enlightenment, education makes the 
 man ! — The philosophy of the age we live in recognizes no 
 pragmatical distinctions. — We are more generous — we are more 
 just ■' — Come ! — give your blessing to the young people !" — 
 
 Earl. But, a Grigson engrafted on our family tree ! 
 
 Mor. What then ? The tree is in a sad decaying state, and 
 will be the better for a healthy graft or two. (Aside.) Leave 
 to m7j care the dowry of my pretty cousin ! 
 
 [The EARLjom? Lady Mary's hand with Henry's. 
 
 Earl. I fear there is no alternative. (To Grigson.) May 
 these family unions, at least, serve to cement our coalition at 
 01dfield.-.-And now, my dear sir, suppose we proceed to the 
 town-hall ! 
 
 Gri. The town-hall? — The election.?— Bless my soul and 
 body ! My family sorrows and family joys had driven every- 
 thing clean out of my head. [Looks at his watch.) But if 
 
 not too late. 
 
 [Mob without. Huzza ! Huzza !)— 
 Earl. What disturbance is this ? 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. The mob, my lord, insist upon drawing the new 
 member into the court yard ! 
 
THE DAY or DUPES. 79 
 
 Earl. IVhat mob ? — What member ? — Speak ? 
 
 Enter Cogit. 
 
 — {To Cogit.) You can explain this mystery ? Who on 
 eurth have these Oldfield people been electing? 
 
 [_Mob without, Cogit /or ever.) 
 Lord B. " Cogit for ever ?" — Old pounce and parchment, 
 an M.P. ?— 
 
 Mor, (to the Earl.) And, the best agent ever man was 
 blessed with 1 Hal ha! ha! 
 
 [_Mob without, "Cogit /or ever." 
 Earl. Sir I — you shall repent this treachery ! 
 Cog. Treachery ? You behold in me, my lord, a viciim to 
 the interests of your family ! Neither your lordship nor your 
 lordship's candidate were forthcoming, when 1, luckily be- 
 thought me of your lordship's letter, saying — " The bearer is 
 the gentleman I recommend to the suffrages of the free and 
 independent electors of Oldfield 1" and havi;ig presented it on 
 my own account- --the result was — 
 
 [^Mob " Cogit for ever." 
 Earl, (furious.) In short sir, you — you are now member 
 for Oldfield ! — You — my agent — my man of business ! 
 Cou. The borough gone too ! 
 
 Mor. Come, come, come! — Let me reconcile matters! 
 As you were saying just now. — [Exploding with laughter.) — 
 " Believe me, the times are past for resenting such dispro- 
 portions ! — In these days of social enlightenment, education 
 makes the man ! — The philosophy of the age we live in, 
 recognizes no pragmatical distinctions! — We are more 
 generous — wc are more Jual ■' — So your hand to the new mem- 
 ber. IFull'Jir- him about. 
 Earl. Never, Mordent, never ! U laugh. 
 Mor. [shrugging his shoulders.) The mean selfishness of 
 human vanity. (Aside to the Earl.) Be advised !— make the 
 best of what is inevitable ! The fellow is deep in your secrets, 
 you deep in his books. — You had better hang together, lest — 
 
80 QUID PRO QUO ; OR, 
 
 Earl. Enough, enough ! — Mr. Cogit. — [Shaking hands. 
 
 Lord B. {to Sippet.) Prick up your ears. Our turn is 
 coming ! 
 
 Sip. My best chance of making the agreeable just now, is to 
 make myself scarce. [Goins;, 
 
 Lord B. My dear mother ! Here is Sippet deserting your 
 company. 
 
 Cou. He does well ; my theatricals have closed for the 
 season ! 
 
 Mor. Why so, my dear Lady Hunsdon? — They seem to me 
 to flourish admirably in this house. — Don't be ungrateful to 
 your poor manager ! [Sippet bows. 
 
 Sip. 'Tis true, this has been " a day of dupes." But two 
 happy weddings, and an MMContested election, ought to 
 restore general good humour. 
 
 Mor. (placing his hand on Sippet's lips.) Clap-trap 1 — Well! 
 well 1 as far as I am concerned, you're welcome to repeat 
 your performance every night, till further notice. But, for 
 the good of the rising generation, if I might suggest a little 
 change in the dramatis persono'--- 
 
 \_Takes hold of Lord Bellamont. 
 
 Lord B. Old gentleman, you have disposed of your estate ; 
 we can dispense with your advice. — My friends in the house 
 will stand by 7ne ! See ! — 
 
 By Jove ! they're only waiting — high and low — 
 
 A sign from me — (applauds) — to give us Quid pro Quo 1 
 
 [.Curtain falls. 
 
EPILOGUE. 
 
 BY MRS. NISBETT, 
 
 Holding an open letter in her hand. 
 
 'Prepare me for the University ?" 
 Cram for an honour ? — No, by Jove 1 not I ! 
 
 ICrumples and flings away the letter. 
 What if my hundrum sires, or theirs before 'em, 
 Achiev'd like Trojans the Pons Asinorum ? 
 To day, school's up! — We've done with stale old lUion, 
 Learning is now mere physic for the million ! 
 E'en the fifth form has cut both sage and poet : — 
 We all are out, — and all our mothers know it ! 
 
 London, dear London, with its thousand charms, 
 Smiles in my face, and courts me to its arms ! 
 What if I try the Household's bright Brigade? 
 Dazzle at levees, — conquer — on parade ; — 
 Astound the park — prate about " one of ?w," — 
 And swell the " Bravos" of the Omnibus ? — 
 Victim to starch, — to all the sex, a Nero, — 
 My tiger's prey, — my valet's slave — and hero ! 
 At Epsom, Ascot, Newmarket, of course, 
 Eager to stake " my kingdom for a horse 1" 
 Or, when at Cowes our modern Nelsons anchor. 
 And furl, with snow-white hands, the jib and spanker. 
 To brave, amid the gallant R. Y. C.s, 
 Three tedious weeks, the bottle and the breeze! 
 
82 
 
 Or what if, sober'd, cash and courage spent, 
 
 I vex the drowsy ear of parliament ? — 
 
 My empty head with streaming locks supplied, — 
 
 Locks — et pretercea nihil, — Young England's pride ! 
 
 On sugar-duties show my vote invincible. 
 
 And stun them with " the voluntary principle ?" 
 
 Or should it chance — 
 
 Enter Mrs. Humby, calling 
 
 Hist, Mrs. Nisbett 1 Pray, 
 
 Less of yourself, and something of the play \ 
 Can't you contrive, ma'am, to edge in a word 
 About the lady blushing for the lord I 
 Your scruples, and the writer's, — who have thus 
 Assumed a garment so indeckorous ? 
 
 Mrs. Nisbett. "Clap-trap!" The friends around me know how fervent's 
 The zeal of both their very humble servants. 
 And though our sex's diffidence, awhile 
 Hath been abjur'd, to cheat them of a smile. 
 Still will their generous hearts protection yield 
 Whene'er— ifj/iere'er— a woman takes the field ! 
 So shall our future efforts fitly show 
 Our gratitude, 
 
 Mrs. Humby. And yield them Quid Pro Quo ! 
 
 W. S. Johnson, Printer, Nassau Street, Solio, London. 
 

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