DUKE 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 Treasure %oom 
 

 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
i 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY: 
 
 CONTAINING THE 
 
 ADVENTURES OF A CAPTAIN, 
 
 AND 
 
 TEAGUE O'REGAN, 
 
 HIS SERVANT. 
 BY H. H. BRACKENRIDGE. 
 
 qiJID VETAT RIDEtJTEM DICERE VERUM HOR. 
 
 VOLUME I. 
 
 PUBLISHED BY 
 
 J. CONRAD & CO. NO. o(i, CHESNUT-STREET, PHILADEL- 
 PHIA; M. AND J CONRAD & CO. NO 138, MARKET- 
 STREET, BALTIMORE; RAPIN, CONRAD & CO. WASH- 
 INGTON CITY; SOMERVELL&CONUAD, PETERSBURG; 
 AND BONSAL, CONRAD & CO. NORFOLK, 
 
 S. H. M'FETRICH, PRINTER. 
 1804. 
 
COPY-RIGHT SECURED. 
 

 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 IT has been a question for some time past, 
 •what would be the best means to fix the English lan- 
 guage. Some have thought of Dictionaries ; others 
 of Institutes, for that purpose. Swift, I think it was, 
 who proposed, in bis letters to the Earl of Oxford, 
 the forming an academy of learned men, in order 
 by their observations and rules, to settle the true 
 spelling, accentuation, and pronunciation, as well as 
 the proper words, and the purest, most simple, and 
 perfect phraseology of language. It has always ap- 
 peared to me, that if some great master of stile 
 should arise, and without regarding sentiment, or 
 subject, give an example of good language in his' 
 composition, which might serve as a model to fu- 
 ture speakers and writers, it would do more to fix 
 the orthography, choice of word, idiom of phrase, 
 and structure of sentence, than all the Dictionaries 
 and Institutes that have been ever made. For cer- 
 tainly, it is much more conducive to this end, to 
 place before the eyes what is good writing, than to 
 suggest it to the ear, which may forget in a short 
 time ail that has been said. 
 
 It is for this reason, that I have undertaken this 
 work ; and that it may attain the end the more per- 
 fectly, 1 shall consider language only, not in the 
 least regarding the matter of the work j but, as mu* 
 
 VOL. I. B 
 
iv INTRODUCTION. 
 
 sicians, when they are about to give the most excel- 
 lent melody, pay no attention to the words that are 
 set to music; but take the most unmeaning phrases, 
 such as sol, fa, la; so here, culling out the choicest 
 flowers of diction, I shall pay no regard to the idea ; 
 for it is not in the power of human ingenuity to at- 
 tain two things perfectly at once. Thus we see, 
 that they mistake greatly, who think to have a clock 
 that can at once tell the hour of the day, the age of 
 the moon, and the day of the week, month, or year ; 
 because the complexness of the machine hinders 
 that perfection which the simplicity of the works 
 and movements can alone give. For it is not in na- 
 ture to have all things in one. If you are about to 
 chuse a wife, and expect beauty, you must give up 
 family and fortune; or if you attain these, you must 
 at least want good temper, health, or some other ad- 
 vantage : so to expect good language and good 
 sense, at the same time, is absurd, and not in the 
 compass of common nature to produce. Attempt- 
 ing only one thing, therefore, we may entertain the 
 idea of hitting the point of perfection. It has been 
 owing to an inattention to this principle, that so ma- 
 ny fail in their attempts at good writing. A Jack of 
 all Trades, is proverbial of a bungler ; and we 
 scarcely ever find any one who excels in two parts 
 of the same art ; much less in two arts at the same 
 time. The smooth poet wants strength ; and the 
 orator of a good voice, is destitute of logical reason 
 and argument. How many have I heard speak, 
 who, were they to attempt voice only, might be res- 
 pectable ; but undertaking at the same time, to cai'- 
 ry sense along with them, they utterly fail, and be- 
 come contemptible. One thing at once is the best 
 maxim that ever came into the mind of man. This 
 might be illustrated by a thousand examples ; but I 
 
INTRODUCTION. v 
 
 shall not trouble myself with any ; as it is not so 
 much my object to convince others as to shew the 
 motives by which I myself am governed. Indeed 
 I could give authority Avhich is superior to all exam- 
 ples; viz. that of the poet Horace ; who, speaking 
 on this very subject of excellence in writing, says, 
 Quid-uis^ that is, whatever you compose, let it be 
 simpMjc dimtaxit ^ unum : that is, simple, and one 
 thing only. 
 
 It will be needless for me to say any thing about 
 the Critics ; for as this wor : is intended as a model 
 or rule of good w^riting, it cannot be the subject of 
 criticism. It is true, Homer has been criticised by 
 a Zoilus and an Aristotle; but the one contented 
 himself with pointing out defects ; the other- beau- 
 ties. But Zoilus has been censured, Aristotle prais- 
 ed ; because in a model there can be no defect; 
 error consisting in a deviation from the truth, and 
 faults, in an aberration from the original of beauty ; 
 so that where there are no faults there can be no 
 food for criticism, taven in the unfavourable sense 
 of finding fault w ith the productions of an author. 
 I have no objections, therefore, to any praise that 
 may be given to this wor:> ; but to censure or blame 
 must appear absurd ; because it cannot be doubted 
 but that it will perfectly answer the end nroposed. 
 
 Being a book without thought, or the smallest de- 
 gree of sense, it will be usefiil to young minds, not 
 fatiguing their understandings, and easily introdu- 
 cing a love of reading and study. Acquiring lan- 
 guage at first by this means, they will aftenvards 
 gain knowledge. It will be useful, especially to 
 young men of light minds, intended for the bar or 
 pulpit. By heaping too much upon them, stile and 
 matter at once, you surfeit the stomach, and turn 
 away the appetite from literary entertainment, to 
 
vi INTRODUCTION. 
 
 horse-racing and cock-fighting. I shall consideV 
 myself, therefore, as having performed an accepta- 
 ble service to all weak and visionary people, if I 
 can give them something to read without the trouble 
 of thinking. But these are collateral advantages of 
 my work, the great object of which is, as Ihave 
 said before, to give a model of perfect stile in wri- 
 ting. If hereafter any author of super-eminent abi- 
 lities, should chuse to give this stile a body, and 
 make it the covering to some work of sense, as you 
 would wrap fine silk round a beautiful form, so that- 
 there may be, not only vestment, but life in the ob- 
 ject, I have no objections ; but shall be rather sa- 
 tisfied with having it put to so good a use. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER i. 
 
 THE Captain was a man of about forty-five 
 years of age, of good natural sense, and considera- 
 ble reading; but in some things whimsical, owing 
 perhaps to his greater knowledge of boo'-s than of 
 the world ; but, in some degree, also, to his hiiving 
 never married, being- what they call an old batche- 
 lor, a characteristic of which is, usually, singularity 
 and whim. He had the advantage of having had in 
 early life, an academic education ; but having never 
 applied himself to any of the learned professions, he 
 had lived the greater part of his life on a small farm, 
 which he cultivated with servants or hired hands, as 
 he could conveniently supply himself with either. 
 The servant that he had at this time, was an Irish- 
 man, whose name was Teague Oregan. I shall say 
 nothing of the character of this man, because the 
 very name imports what he was. 
 
 A strange idea came into the head of the Captain 
 about this time ; for, by the bye, I had forgot to men- 
 tion that having been chosen captain of a company 
 of militia in the neighbourhood, he had gone by the 
 name of Captain ever since ; for the rule is, once a 
 captain, and always a captain ; but, as I was observ- 
 ing;, the idea had come into his head, to saddle an 
 B 2 
 
2 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 old horse that he had, and ride about the world a 
 little, with his man Teague at his heels, to see how 
 things were going on here and there, and to observe 
 human, nature. For it is a mistake to suppose, that 
 a man cannot learn man by reading him in a corner, 
 as well as on the widest space of transaction. At 
 any rate, it may yield amusement. 
 
 It was about a score of miles from his o^vn house, 
 that he fell in with what we call Races. The jockeys 
 seeing him advance, with Teague by his side, whom 
 they took for his groom, conceived him to be some 
 person who had brought his horse to enter for the 
 purse. Coming up and accosting him, said they, 
 You seem to be for the races. Sir ; and have a horse 
 to enter. Not at all, said the Captain; this is but a 
 common palfrey, and by no means remarkable for 
 speed or bottom; he is a common plough horse 
 which I have used on my farm for several yeai's, and 
 can scarce go beyond a trot ; much less match him- 
 self with your blooded horses that are going to take 
 the field on this occasion. 
 
 The jockeys were of opinion, from the speech, 
 that the horse was what they call a bite^ and that 
 under the appearance of leanness and stiffness, there 
 was concealed some hidden quality of swiftness un- 
 common. For they had heard of instances, where 
 the most knowing had been taken in by mean look- 
 ing horses ; so that having laid two, or more, to one, 
 they were nevertheless bit by the bet; and the mean 
 looking nags, proved to be horses of a more than 
 common speed and bottom. So that there is no 
 trusting appearances. Such was the reasoning of 
 the jockeys. For they could have no idea, that a 
 man could come there in so singular a manner, with 
 a groom at his foot, unless he had some great object 
 of making money by the adventure. Under this 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 3 
 
 idea, they began to interrogate him with respect to 
 the blood and pedigree of his horse: whether he was 
 of the Dove, or the Bay mare that took the purse ; 
 and was imported by such a one at such a time? whe- 
 ther his sire was Tamerlane or Bajazet? 
 
 The Captain was irritated at the questions, and 
 could not avoid answering. ....Gentlemen, said he, it 
 is a strange thing that you should suppose that it is 
 of any consequence what may be the pedigree of a 
 horse. For even in men it is of no avail. Do we 
 not find that sages have had blockheads for their 
 sons; and that blockheads have had sages? It is re- 
 markable, that as estates have seldom lasted three 
 generations, so understanding and ability have sel- 
 dom been transmitted to the second. There never 
 was a greater man, take him as an orator and philo- 
 sopher, than Cicero : and never was there a person 
 who had greater opportunities than his son Marcus ; 
 
 and yet he proved of no account or reputation 
 
 This is an old instance, but there are a thousand 
 others. Chesterfield and his son are mentioned. It 
 is true, Philip and Alexander may be said to be ex- 
 ceptions: Philip of the strongest possible mind; ca- 
 pable of almost every thing we can conceive ; the 
 deepest policy and the most determined valour; his 
 son Alexander not deficient in the first- and before 
 him in the last ; if it is possible to be before a man than 
 whom you can suppose nothing greater. Itis possible, 
 in modern times, that Tippo Saib may be equal to his 
 father Hyder Ali. Some talk of the two Pitts. I have 
 no idea that the son is, in any respect, equal to old Sir 
 William. The one is a laboured artificial minister: the 
 other spo'e with the thunder, and acted with light- 
 ning of the gods. I will venture to say, that when 
 the present John Adams, and Lee, and Jefferson, and 
 Jay, and Henry, and other great men, who appear 
 
4 MODERN CHIVALRT. 
 
 upon the stage at this time, have gone to sleep with 
 their fathers, it is an hundred to one if there is any 
 of their descendants who can fill their places. Was 
 I to lay a bet for a great man, I would sooner pick 
 up the brat of a tinVer, than go into the great houses 
 to chuse a piece of stuff for a man of genius. Even 
 with respect to personal appearance which is more 
 in the power of natural production we do not see 
 that beauty always produces beauty ; but on the con- 
 trary, the homliest persons have oftentimes the best 
 favoured offspring ; so that there is no rule or reason 
 in these things. With respect to this horse, there- 
 fore, it can be of no moment whether he is blooded or 
 studed, or what he is. He is a good old horse, used 
 to the plough, and carries my weight very well ; and 
 I have never yet made enquiry with respect to his 
 ancestor, or affronted him so much as to cast up to 
 him the defect of parentage. I bought him some years 
 ago from Neil Thomas, who had him from a colt. 
 As far as I can understand, he was of a brown mare 
 thaf John M'Neis had ; but of what horse I know no 
 more than the horse himself. His gaits are good 
 enough, as to riding a short journey of seven or eight 
 miles; but he is rather a pacer than a trotter; and 
 though his bottom may be good enough in carrying 
 a bag to the mill, or going in the plough, or the sled, 
 or the harrow, &c. yet his wind is not so good, nor 
 his speed, as to be fit for the heats. 
 
 The jockeys thought the man a fool, and gave 
 themselves no more trouble about him. 
 
 The horses were now entered, and about to start 
 for the purse. There was Black and All-Black, and 
 Snip, John Duncan's Barbary Slim, and several 
 others. The riders had been weighed, and when 
 mounted, the word was given. It is needless to 
 describe a race ; every body knows the circumstances 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 5 
 
 of it. It is sufficient to say, that from the bets that 
 were laid, there was much anxiety, and some pas- 
 sion in the minds, of those concerned: So, that as 
 two of the horses, Black and All-Black, and' Slim, 
 came out near together ; there was dispute and con- 
 fusion. It came to kircking and cuffing in . some 
 places. The Captain was a good deal hurt with such 
 indecency amongst gentlemen, and advancihg, ad- 
 dressed them in the following manner : Gentlemen, 
 this is an unequal and unfair proceeding. It is un- 
 becoming modern manners, or even, the ancient. 
 For at the Olympic games of GreeGe,^'where were 
 celebrated horse and chariot races there was no such 
 hurry scurry as this ; and in times of chivalry itself, 
 where men ate- drank, and slept on horseback- though 
 there was a great deal of pell-melling, yet no such 
 disorderly work as this. If men had a difference, 
 they couched their lances, and ran full tilt at one 
 another ; hut no such indecent expressions, as vil- 
 lain, scoundreh liar, ever came out of their niouths. 
 There was the most perfect courtesy in those days 
 of heroism and honour ; and this your horse-racing, 
 which is. a germ of the amusement of those times, 
 ought to be conducted on the same principles of 
 decorum, and good breeding. 
 
 x\s he was speaking, he was jostled by some one 
 in the croud, and thrown from his horse ; and had 
 it not been for Teague, who was at hand, and help- 
 ed him on again he would have suffered damage. 
 As it vvas, he received a contusion in his head, of 
 which he complained much; and having left the race^ 
 ground, and coming to a small cottage, he stopped a 
 little, to alight and dress the wound. An old woman 
 who was there, thought they ought to take a little of 
 his water, and see how it was with him; but the 
 Captain having no faith in telling disorders by the 
 
6 »10DERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 urine, thought proper to send for a surgeon who was 
 hard by, to examine the bruise, and apply bandages. 
 The surgeon attended, and examining the part, pro- 
 nounced it a contusion of the cerebi^um. But as 
 there appeared but httle laceration, and no fracture, , 
 simple or compound, the pia mater could not be in- 
 jured ; nor even could there be more than a slight 
 impression on the dura mater. So that trepaning 
 did not at all appear necessary. A most fortunate 
 circumstance ; for a v/ound in the head, is of all 
 places the most dangerous ; because there can be 
 no amputation to save life. There being but one 
 head to a man, and that being the residence of 
 
 the five senses, it is impossible to live without it 
 
 Nevertheless, as the present cp.se was highly dan- 
 gerous, as it might lead to a subsultus tendinum. or , 
 lock-jaw. it was necessary to apply cataplasms, in 
 order to reduce inflammation, and bring about a sa- 
 native disposition of th<i parts. Perhaps it might 
 not be amiss, to take an anodyne as a refrigerant.... 
 Ma7iy patients had been lost by the ignorance of 
 empirics prescribing bracers ; whereas, in the first 
 stage of a contusion relaxing and antifebrile medi- 
 cines are proper. A little piilebotomy was no doubt 
 necessary, to prevent the bursting of the blood ves* 
 sels. 
 
 The Captain hearing so many hard words and 
 bad accounts of this case v.^as much alarmed. Ne- 
 vertheless he did not think it could be absolutely so 
 danr^erous. For it seemed to him that he was not 
 sick at heart or under any mortal pain. The sur- 
 geon observed, that in this case he could not him- 
 self be a judge. For the very part was affected by 
 which he was to judge, viz. the head ; that it was no 
 uncommon thing for men in the extrem.est cases to 
 imagine themselves out of danger ; whereas in rt- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. r 
 
 ality, they were in the greatest possible ; that not- 
 withstanding the symptoms were mild, yet from the 
 contusion, a mortification might ensue. Hypocra- 
 tes, who might be stilcd an elementary physician, 
 and has a treatise on this very subject, is of opinion, 
 that the most dangerous symptom is a topical insen- 
 sibility; but among the moderns, Sydenham consi- 
 ders it in another point of view, and thinks that 
 where there is no pain, there is as great reason to 
 suppose that there is no hurt, as that there is a mor- 
 tal one. Be this as it may, antiseptic medicines 
 might be very proper. 
 
 The Captain hearing so much jargon, and con- 
 scious to himself that he was by no means in so 
 bad a state as this son of Esculapius w ould represent, 
 broke out into some passion. It is, said he, the 
 craft of your profession to make the case w^orse than 
 it is, in order to increase the perquisites. But if 
 there is any faith in you, make the same demand, 
 and let me know^ your real judgment. The surgeon 
 was irritated with his distrust, and tool; it into his 
 head to fix some apprehension in the mind of his 
 patient, if possible, that his case was not without 
 danger. Lool ing stedfastly at him for some time, 
 and feeling his pulse, there is. said he, an evident 
 delirium approaching. This argues an affection of 
 the brain, but it will be necessary, after some sopo- 
 riferous draughts, to put the patient to sleep. Said 
 the Captain, If you will give me about a pint of 
 whiskey and water, I will try to go to sleep myself. 
 A deleterious mixture, in this case said the surgeon, 
 cannot be proper; especially a distillation of that 
 quality. The Captain would hear no more; but re- 
 questing the man of the cabin, to let him have the 
 spirits proposed, drank a pint or two of grog, and 
 having bound up his head with a handkerchief, went 
 to bed. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 CONTAINING SOME GENERAL REFLECTIONS. 
 
 THE first reflection that arises, is, the good 
 sense of the Captain ; who was unwilling to impose 
 his horse for a racer ; not being qualified for the 
 course. Because, as an old lean beast, attempting 
 a trot, he was respectable enough ; but going out 
 of his nature, and affecting speed, he would have 
 been contemptible. The great secret of preserving 
 respect, is the cultivating and shewing to the best 
 advantage the powers that we possess, and the not 
 going beyond them. Every thing in its element is 
 good, and in their proper sphere all natures and ca- 
 pacities are excellent. This thought might be turn- 
 ed into a thousand different shapes, and cloathed 
 with various expressions ; but after all, it comes to 
 the old proverb at last, A^e sutor ultra crefiidam. Let 
 the cobler stick to his last ; a sentiment we are 
 about more to illustrate in the sequel to this work. 
 The second reflection that arises, is, the simplici- 
 ty of the Captain, who was so unacquainted with 
 the world, as to imagine that jockeys and men of 
 the turf could be managed by reason and good sense; 
 whereas there are no people who are by education 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. f 
 
 of a less philosophic turn of mind. The company 
 of horses is by no means favourable to good taste 
 and genius. The rubbing and currying them, but 
 little enlarges the faculties, or improves the mind ; 
 and even riding, by which a man is carried swiftly 
 through the air, though it contributes to health, yet 
 stores the mind with few or no ideas ; and as men 
 natuf'^^'y consimilate with their company, so it is 
 ^ .orvable that your jockeys are a class of people 
 not far removed from the sagacity of a good horse. 
 Hence most probably the fable of the centaur, 
 among the ancients ; by which they held out the 
 moral of the jockey and the horse being one beast. 
 A third reflection is, that which he exprest, viz. 
 the professional art of the surgeon to make the most 
 of the case, and the technical terms used by him, 
 I have to declare, that it is with no attempt at wit, 
 that the terms are set down, or the art of the sur- 
 geon hinted at ; because it is so common a place 
 thing to ridicule the peculiarities of a profession, or 
 its phraseologies, that it favours of mean parts to 
 indulge it. For a man of real genius will never 
 walk in the beaten path, because his object is what 
 is new and uncommon. This surgoen does not ap- 
 pear to have been a man of very great ability ; but 
 the Captain was certainly wrong in declining his 
 prescriptions ; for the maxim is, unicuique^ in arte 
 aua^ fierito^ credendum est ; every one is to be trusted 
 in his profession. 
 
 VOL. I, 
 
(& MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER in. 
 
 THE Captain rising early nAt morning, and 
 setting out on his way, had now arrived at a place 
 where a number of people were convened, for the 
 purpose of electing persons to represent them in the- 
 legislature of the state. There was a weaver who- 
 was a candidate for this appointment, and seemed 
 to have a good deal of interest among the people. 
 But anotlier, who was a man of education, was his 
 competitor. Relying on some talent of speaking 
 which he thought he possessed, he addressed the 
 multitude. 
 
 Fellow-citizens, said he, I pretend not to any 
 great abilities; but am conscious to myself that I 
 have the best good will to serve you. But it is very 
 astonishing to me, that this weaver should conceive 
 himself qualified for the trust For though my ac- 
 (juirements are not great, yet his are still less. The 
 mechanical business which he pursues, must neces- 
 sarily ta.e up so much of his time, that he cannot 
 apply himself to political studies. I should there-, 
 fore thinl' it would be more answerable to your] 
 dignity, and conducive to your interest, to be repre-l 
 sented by a man at least of some letters, than by anj 
 illiterate handicraftsman like this. It will be moi 
 honourable for himself, to remain at his loom andl 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 11 
 
 'knot threads, than to come forward in a legislative 
 capacity : because, in the one case, he is in the 
 sphere suited to his education; in the other, he is 
 like a iish out of water, and must struggle for 
 breath in a new element. 
 
 Is it possible he can understand the affairs of go- 
 vernment, whose mind has been concentered to the 
 small object of weaving webs; to the price by the 
 yard, the grist of the thread, and such lii-e matters 
 as concern tlie manufacturer of cloths ? The feet of 
 him who weaves, are m.ore occupied than the head, 
 or at least as much ; and the Vvhole inust be, at 
 least, but in half, accustomed to exercise his mental 
 powers. For these reasons, all other things set 
 
 • aside, the chance is in my favour, with respect to 
 information. However, you will decide, and give 
 your suffrages to him or. to me, as you shall judge 
 
 • expedient. 
 
 The Captain hearing these observations, and lool<-> 
 ing at the weaver, could not help advancing, and un- 
 dertaking to subjoin something in support of what 
 had been just said. Said he, I have no prejudice 
 against a weaver more than another man. Nor do 
 rl know any harm in the trade ; save that from the 
 .-•sedentary life in a damp place, there is usually a 
 paleness of the countenance : but this is a physical 
 .not amoral evil. Such usually occupy subterranc- 
 . an apartments ; not for the purpose, li e Demost- 
 henes, of shaving their heads, and writing over 
 eight times the history of Thucydides, and perfect- 
 ing a stileof oratory ; but rather to keep the thread 
 moist; or because this is considered but as an 
 ■Inglorious sort of trade, and is; frequently thrust 
 away into cellars, and damp out-houses, which iicc 
 not occupied for abetter use. 
 
12 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 But to rise from the cellar to the senate house, 
 would be an unnatural hoist. To come from count- 
 ing threads, and adjusting them to the splits of a 
 reed, to regulate the finances of a government, 
 would be preposterous; there being no congru- 
 ity in the case. There is no analogy between 
 knotting threads and framing laws. It would be 
 a reversion of the order of things. Not that a 
 manufacturer of linen or woolen, or other stuff, is 
 an inferior character, but a different one, from that 
 which ought to be employed in affairs of state. It 
 is unnecessary to enlarge on this subject 4 for you 
 must all be convinced of the truth and propriety of 
 what I say. But if you will give me leave to take 
 the manufacturer aside a little, I think I can ex- 
 plain to him my ideas on the subject ; and very 
 probably prevail with him to withdraw his preten- 
 sions. The people seeming to acquiesce, and 
 beckoning to the weaver, th6y withdrew aside, and 
 the Captain addressed him in the following words: 
 
 Mr. Traddle, said he, for that was the name of 
 the manufacturer, I have not the smallest idea of 
 wounding your sensibility ; but it would seem to 
 me, it would be more your interest to pursue your 
 occupation, than to launch out into that of which you 
 have no knowledge. When you go to the senate 
 house, the application to you will not be to warp a 
 web; but to make laws for the commonwealth. 
 Now, suppose that the making these laws, requires 
 a knowledge of commerce, or of the interests of 
 agriculture, or those principles upon which the dif- 
 ferent manufactures depend, what service could you 
 render. It is possible you might think justly 
 enough ; but could you speak ? You are not in the 
 habit of public speaking. You are not furnished 
 with those common place ideas, with which even 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 13 
 
 very ignorant men can pass for knowins^ something. 
 There is nothing makes a man so ridiculous as to 
 attempt what is above his sphere. You are no tum- 
 bler for instance ; yet should you 'give out that you 
 could vault upon a man's back ; or turn head over 
 theels like the wheels of a cart; the stiffness of your 
 -joints would encumber you ; and you would fall 
 upon your backside to the ground. Such a squash 
 as that would do you damage. The getting up to 
 • ride on the state is an unsafe thing to those who 
 are not accustomed to such horsemanship. It is a 
 disagreeable thing for a man to be laughed at, and 
 there is no way of keeping ones self from it but by 
 avoiding all affectation. 
 
 While they were thus discoursing, a bustle had 
 taken place among the croud. " Teague hearing so 
 much about elections, and serving- the government, 
 took it into his head, that he covild be a legislator 
 himself. The thing was not displeasing to the peo- 
 ple, v/ho seemed to favour his pretensions ; owing, 
 in some degree, to there being several of his coun- 
 trymen among the croud ; but more especially to 
 tiie fluctuation of the popular mind, and a disposi- 
 tion to what is new and ignoble. For ihough the 
 weaver was not the most elevated object of choice, 
 yet he was still preferable to this tatter-demalion, 
 who was but a menial servant, and had so much of 
 what is called the brogue on his tongue, as to fail 
 -far short of an elegant speaker. 
 
 The Captain ;coming up, and finding what was on 
 'tlie carpet, was greatly chagrined at not having been 
 -able to give the multitude a better -idea cf the im- 
 -portance of a legislative trust ; alarmed also, from 
 .ah apprehension of the loss of his servant. Under 
 these impressions he resumed his address to the 
 multitude. Said he, this is making the matter st^l! 
 c.,2 
 
li MODEKN CHIVALHY. 
 
 worse, gentlemen : this servant of mine is but a 
 bog-trotter, who can scarcely speak the dialect in 
 which your laws ought to be written ; but certainly 
 has never read a single treatise on any political 
 subject ; for the truth is, he cannot read at all. The 
 young people of the lower class, in Ireland, have 
 seldom the advantage of a good education ; espe- 
 cially the descendants of the ancient Irish, who have 
 most of them a great assurance of countenance, but 
 little information, or literature. This young man, 
 whose family name is Oregan, has been my servant 
 for several years ; and, except a too great fondness 
 for women, which now and then brings him into 
 scrapes, he has demeaned himself in a manner to- 
 lerable enough. But he is totally ignorant of the 
 great principles of legislation ; and more especially, 
 the particular interests of the government. A free 
 government is a noble acquisition to a people : and 
 this freedom consists in an equal right to make 
 laws, and to have the benefit of the laws when made. 
 Though doubtless, in such a government, the lowest 
 citizen may become chief magistrate ; yet it is suf- 
 ficient to possess the right ; not absolutely necessary 
 to exercise it. Or even if you should think proper, 
 now and then, to shew your privilege, and exert, in 
 a signal manner, the democratic prerogative, yet is 
 it not descending too low to filch away from me a 
 hireling", which I cannot well spare. You are surely 
 carrying the matter too far, in thinking to make a 
 senator of this ostler ; to take him away from an 
 employment to which he has been bred, and put him 
 to another, to which he has served no apprentice- 
 ship : to set those hands which have been lately em- 
 ployed in currying my horse, to the draughting bills, 
 andjpreparing business for the house. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. l6 
 
 The people were tenacious of their choice, and 
 insisted on giving Teague their suffrages; and by 
 the frown upon their brows, seemed to indicate 
 resentment at what had been said; as indirectly 
 charging them with want of judgment ; or calling 
 in question their privilege to do what they thought 
 proper. It is a very strange thing, said one of them, 
 who was a speaker for the rest, that after having 
 conquered Burgoyne and Comwallis, and got a go- 
 vernment of our own, we cannot put in it whom we 
 please. This young man may be your servant, or 
 another man*s servant; but if we chuse to make 
 him a delegate, what is that to you. He may not 
 be yet skilled in the matter, but there is a good day 
 a-coming. We will empower him ; and it is better 
 to trust a plain man like him, than one of your high 
 flyers, that will make laws to suit their own pur- 
 poses. 
 
 I had much rather, said the Captain, you would 
 send the weaver, though I thought that improper, 
 •than to invade my household, and thus detract from 
 me the very person that I have about me to brush 
 my boots, and clean my spurs. The prolocutor of 
 the people gave him to understand that his objec- 
 tions were useless, for the people had determined 
 on the choice, and Teague they would have, for a 
 representative. 
 
 Finding it answered no end to expostulate with 
 the multitude, he requested to speak a word with 
 Teague by himself. Stepping aside, he said to him, 
 composing his voice, and addressing him in a soft; 
 manner : Teague, you are quite wrong in this mat- 
 ter they have put into your head. Do you know 
 what it is to be a member of a deliberative body ? 
 What qualifications are necessary ? Do you under- 
 '^tand any thing of geography? If a question should 
 
^S MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 be put to make a law to dig a canal in some part oT 
 the state, can you describe the bearing of the moun- 
 tains, and the course of the rivers? Or if commerce 
 is to be pushed to some new quarter, by the force of 
 regulations, are you competent to decide in such a 
 case? There will be questions of law, and astrono- 
 my on the carpet. How you must gape and stare 
 like a fool, when you come to be asked your opinion 
 on these subjects? Are you acquainted with the 
 abstract principles of finance ; with the funding pub- 
 lic securities ; the v/ays and means of raising the 
 revenue ; providing for the discharge of the public 
 debts, and all other things which respect the econo- 
 my of the government? Even if you had knowledge, 
 have you a facility of speaking. I would suppose 
 you would have too much pride to go to the house 
 just to say, ay, or no. This is not the fault of your 
 nature, but of your education; having been accus-' 
 tomed to dig turf in your early years, rather than 
 instructing yourself in the classics, or common school 
 books. 
 
 When a man becomes a member of a public body, 
 he is like a racoon, or other beast that climbs up the 
 fork of a tree ; the boys pushing at him with pitcli- 
 forks, or throwing stones, or shooting at him with 
 an arrow, the dogs barking in the mean time. One 
 will find fault with your not speaking; another with 
 your speaking, if you speak at all. They will put 
 you in the newspapers, and ridicule you as a perfect 
 teast. There is what they call the caricatura; that 
 is, representing you with a dog's head, or a cat -s 
 ■claw. As you have a red head, they will Very pro- 
 bably make a fox of you, or a sorrel horse, or a brin- 
 dled cow. It is the devil in hell to be exposed to the 
 •squibs and crackers of the gazette wits and publi- j 
 -cations. You kcow no more about these mattere I 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 17 
 
 than a goose ; and yet you would undertake rashly, 
 without advice, to enter on the office ; nay, contrary 
 to advice. For I would not for a thousand guineas, 
 though I have not the half it to spare, that the breed 
 of the Oregans should come to this ; bringing on 
 them a worse stain than stealing sheep ; to which 
 they are addicted. You have nothing but your cha- 
 racter, Teague, in a new country to depend upon. 
 Let it never be said, that you quitted an honest live- 
 lihood, the taking care of my horse, to follow the new 
 fangled whims of the times, and be a statesman. 
 
 Teague was moved chiefly with the last part of 
 the address, and consented to relinquish his preten- 
 sions. 
 
 The Captain, glad of this, took him back to the 
 people, and announced his disposition to decline the 
 honour which they had intended him. 
 
 Teague acknowledged that he had changed his 
 mind, and was willing to remain in a private sta;* 
 tion. 
 
 The people did not seem well pleased with the 
 Captain ; but as nothing more could be said about 
 the matter, they turned their attention to the weaver, 
 ^nd gave him their suffrages,* 
 
MODERN CHIVALRT. 
 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 THE Captain leaving this place, proceeded 
 on his way; and at the distance of a mile or two, 
 met a man with a bridle in his hand ; wh ; had lost 
 ^ horse, and had been at a conjurer's to make enqul 
 ry, and recover his property. 
 
 It struck the mind of the Captain to go to this 
 conjuring person, and make a demand of him, why 
 it was that the multitude were so disposed to elevate 
 the low to the highest station. He had rode but 
 about a mile, when the habitation of the conjurer, by 
 the direction and description of the man who had 
 
 lost the horse had givejn, b-egan to be in view 
 
 Coming up to the door, and enquiring if that was 
 not v/here conjurer Kolt lived, they were ansAvcred 
 yes. Accordingly alighting, and entering the do- 
 micile, all those things took place which usually 
 h?tppen, or are described in cases of this nature, viz. 
 there was the conjurer's assistant, who gave the Cap- 
 tain to understand that master had withdrawn a lit- 
 tle, but would be in shortly. 
 
 In the mean time, the assistant endeavoured to ■ 
 draw from him some account of the occasion of his 
 journey; which the other readily communicated; 
 and the conjurer, who was listening through a crack 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. W 
 
 in the partition, overheard. Finding; it was not a 
 horse or a cow, or a piece of linen that was lost, but 
 an abstract question of political philosophy which 
 was to be put, he came from his lurking- place, and 
 entered, as if not knowing that any person had been 
 waiting for him. 
 
 After mutual salutations, the Captain gave him to 
 understand the object which he had in. view by call- 
 ing on him. 
 
 Said the conjurer, this lies not at all in my way. 
 If it had been a dozen of spoons, or a stolen watch, 
 that you had to look for, I could very readily, by the 
 assistance of my art, have assisted you in the reco- 
 very ; but as to this matter of men's imaginations 
 and attachments in political affairs, I have no more 
 understanding than another man. 
 
 It is very strange, said the Captain, that you who- 
 can tell by what means a thing is stolen, and the 
 place where it is deposited, though at a thousand 
 miles distance, should know so little of what is go- 
 ing on in the breast of man, as not to be able to de- 
 velope his secret thoughts, and the motives of his 
 actions. 
 
 It is not of our business, said the other ; but should 
 we undertake it, I do not see that it would be very 
 difficult to explain all that puzzles you at present. 
 There is no need of a conjurer to tell why it is that 
 the common people are more disposed to trust one 
 of their own class, than those who may affect to be 
 superior. Besides, there is a certain pride in man, 
 which leads him to elevate the low, and pull down 
 the high. There is a kind of creating power exerted 
 in making a senator of an unqualified person ; which 
 when the author has done, he exults over the work, 
 and, li ,e the Creator himself when he made the 
 world, sees that " it is very good/* Moreover, there. 
 
20 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 is in every government a patrician class, against 
 whom the spirit of the multitude naturally militates: 
 and hence a perpetual war: the aristocrats endea- 
 vouring to detrude the people, and the people con- 
 tending to obtrude themselves. And it is right it 
 should be so ; for by this fermentation, the spirit of 
 democracy is kept alive. 
 
 The Captain, thanking him for his information, 
 asked him what was to pay ; at the same time pull- 
 ing out half a crown from a green silk purse which 
 he had in his breeches pocket. The conjurer gave 
 him to understand, that as the solution of these dif- 
 ficulties was not within his province, he took nothing 
 for it. The Captain expressing his sense of his dis- 
 interested service, bade him adieu. 
 
r 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. *l 
 
 CHAPTER. V. 
 
 CONTAINING REFLECTIONS?. 
 
 A DEMOCRACY is beyond all question the 
 freest government : because under this, every man 
 is equally protected by the laws, and has equally a 
 Toice in making- them. But I do not say an equal 
 voice ; because some men have stronger lungs than 
 others, and can express more forcibly their opinions 
 of public affairs. Others, though they may not 
 speak very loud, yet have a faculty of saying more 
 in a short time ; and even in the case of others, who 
 j speak little or none at all, yet what they do say con- 
 1 taining good sense, comes with greater weight; so 
 I that all things considered, every citizen has not, in 
 this sense of the word, an equal voice. But the right 
 being equal, what great harm if it is unequally ex- 
 ercised ? is it necessary that every man should be- 
 come a statesman ? No more than that every man 
 should become a poet or a painter. The sciences 
 j are open to all ; but let him only who has taste and 
 j; genius pursue them. " If any man covets the of- 
 fice of a bishop," says St. Paul, " he covets a good 
 work." But again, he adds this caution, " Ordain 
 not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride, he falls 
 
 VOL. I. D 
 
22 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 into the condemnation of the devil/' It is indeed 
 maldng a devil of a man to lift him up to a state to 
 which he is not suited. A ditcher is a respectuble 
 character, v^^ith his over-alls on, and a spade in his 
 hand ; but put the same man to those offices which 
 require the head, whereas he has been accustomed 
 to impress with his foot, and there appears a contrast 
 between the individual and the occupation. 
 
 There are individuals in society, who prefer ho- 
 nour to wealth; or cultivate political studies as a 
 branch of literary pursuits; and offer themselves to 
 serve public bodies in order to have an opportunity 
 of discovering thei-r knowledge, and exercising their 
 judgment. It must be matter of chagrin to these, 
 and hurtful to the public, to see those who have no 
 talent this way, and ought to have no taste, prepos- 
 terously obtrude themselves upon the government. 
 It is the same as if a brick-layer should usurp the 
 office of a taylor and come with his square and per- 
 pendicular, to take the measure of a pair of breeches. 
 
 It is proper that those who cultivate oratory, 
 should go to the house of orators. But for an Ay 
 and No man to be ambitious of that place, is to sa- 
 crifice his credit to his vanity. 
 
 I would not mean to insinuate that legislators are 
 to be selected from the more wealthy of the citizens, 
 yet a man's circumstances ought to be such as af- 
 fovd him leisure for study and reflection. There is 
 often wealth without taste or talent. I have no idea, 
 that because a man lives in a great house, and has a 
 cluster of bricks or stones about his backside, that 
 he is therefore fit for a legislator. There is so 
 much pride and arrogance with those who consider 
 themselves the first in a government, that it deserves 
 to be checked by the populace, and the evil most 
 usually commences on this side. Men associatf 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 23 
 
 with their own persons, the adventitious circum- 
 stances of birth and fortune : So that a fellow blowing 
 •with fat and repletion, conceives himself superior 
 to the poor lean man, that lodges in an inferior 
 mansion. But as in all cases, so in this, there is a 
 ^medium. Genius and virtue are independent of 
 rank and fortune ; and it is neither the opulent, nor 
 the indigent, but the man of ability and integrity 
 that ought to be called forth to serve his country : 
 and while, on the one hand, the aristocratic part of 
 the government, arrogates a right to represent ; on 
 the other hand, the democratic contends the point ; 
 and from this conjunction and opposition of forces, 
 there is produced a compound resolution, which car- 
 ries the object in an intermediate direction. When 
 we see therefore, a Teague Oregan lifted up, the 
 philosopher will reflect, that it is to balance some 
 purse-proud fellow, equally as ignorant, that comes 
 down from the sphere of aristocratic interest. 
 
 But every man ought to consider for himself, 
 whether it is his use to be this drawback, on either 
 -^ide. For as when good liquor is to be distilled, you 
 tiirow in some material useless in itself to correct 
 the effervescence of the spirit ; so it may be his part 
 to act as a sedative. For though we commend the 
 .effect, yet still the material retains but its original 
 value. 
 
 But as the nature of things is such, let no man 
 who means well to the commonwealth, and offers to 
 serve it, be hurt in his mind when some one of 
 meaner talents is preferred. The people are a sove- 
 reign, and greatly despotic; but, in the main, just. 
 
 It might be advisable, in order to elevate the com- 
 position, to ma :e quotations from the Greek and 
 Roman history. And I am conscious to myself, 
 4hat I have read the writers ©n the government of 
 
24 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Italy and Greece, in ancient, as well as modern 
 times. But I have drawn a great deal more from 
 reflection on the nature of things, than from all the 
 writings I have ever read. Nay, the history of the 
 election, which I have just given, will afford a better 
 lesson to the American mind, than all that is to be 
 found in other examples- Vv"e seen here, a weaver 
 a favoured candidate, and in the next instance, a bog- 
 trotter superseding him. Now it may be said, that 
 this is fiction; but fiction. or no fiction, the nature of 
 the thing will make it a reality. But I return to the 
 adventures of the Captain, whom I have upon my 
 hands; and who. as far as I can yet discover, is a 
 good honest man ; and means what is benevolent and 
 useful ; though his ideas may not comport with the 
 ordinary manner of thinking, in every particular. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THERE was, in a certain great city, a so- 
 ciety who called themselves Philosophers. They 
 had published books, under the title of Transactions. 
 These contained dissertations on the nature and 
 -causes of things , from the stars of heaven to the fire- 
 flies of the earth ; and from the sea-crab to the wood- 
 land buffaioe. Such disquisitions, are doubtless use- 
 ful and entertaining to an inquisitive mind. 
 
 There is no question, but there were in this body 
 
 • some very great men ; whose investigations of the 
 
 • arcana of nature, deserve attention. But so it was, 
 there had been introduced, by some means, many 
 individuals, who were no philosophers at all. This 
 is no unusual thing with institutions of this nature ; 
 though, by the bye, it is a very great fault. For it 
 lessens, the incentives of honour, to have the access 
 made so easy, that every one may obtain admission. 
 It has been a reproach to some colleges, that a di- 
 ploma could be purchased for half a crown. This 
 society were still more moderate; for the bare 
 scratching the backside of a member has been 
 
 .known to procure a membership. At least, ther« 
 have been those admitted who appeared capable „oi 
 inothing else. 
 
 J). 2 
 
26 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Neveitheless, it was necessary, even in these cases, 
 for the candidates to procure some token of a phi- 
 losophic turn of mind ; such as the skin of a dead 
 cat, or some odd kind of a mouse-trap; or have 
 phrases in their mouths, about minerals and petri- 
 factions ; so as just to support some idea of natural 
 knowledge, and pass muster. There was one who 
 got in by finding, accidentally, the tail of a rabbit, 
 which had been taken off in a boy's trap. Another 
 by means of a squirrel's scalp, which he had taken 
 care to stretch and dry on a bit of osier, bended in 
 the form of a hoop. The beard of an old fox, taken 
 off and dried in the sun, was the means of introduc- 
 ing one whom I knew very well : Or rather, as I 
 have already hinted, it was beforehand intended he 
 should be introduced; and these exuviae, or spoils of 
 the animal kin dom, were but the tokens and apo- 
 lojries for admission. 
 
 It happened, as the Captain was riding this day, 
 and Tea:,ue trotting after him, he sav/ a large owl, 
 that had been shot by some body, and was placed in 
 the crotch of a tree, about the height of a man's 
 head from the ground, for those that passed by to 
 look at. The Captain being struck with it, as some- 
 v/hat larger than such birds usually are, desired 
 Tea \ue to reach it to him ; and tying it to the hinder 
 part of his saddle, rode along. 
 
 Passing by the house of one who belonged to the 
 society, the bird was noticed at the saddle-skirts, and 
 the philosopher coming out, made enquiry with re- 
 gard to the genus and nature of the fowl. ^Said the 
 Captain, I know nothing more about it, than that it 
 is nearly as large as a turkey buzzard. It is doubt- 
 less, said the other, the great Canada owl, that comes 
 from the Lakes ; and if your honour will give me 
 leave, I will take it and submit it to the society, and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 27 
 
 have yourself made a member. As to the first, the 
 Captain consented ; but as to the last, the being a 
 member, he chose rather to decline it ; conceiving 
 himself unqualified for a place in such a body. The 
 other assured him that he was under a very great 
 mistake ; for there were persons there who scarcely 
 knew a B from a bull's foot. That may be, said the 
 Captain ; but if others chuse to degrade themselves, 
 by suffering their names to be used in so preposte- 
 Tous a way as that, it was no reason he should. 
 
 The other gave him to understand, that the soci- 
 ety would certainly wish to express their sense of 
 his merit, and shew themselves not inattentive to a 
 virtuoso ; that as he declined the honour him.self, 
 lie probably might not be averse to let his servant 
 take a seat among them. 
 
 He is but a simple Irishman, said the Captain, 
 and of a low education ; his language being that 
 spoken by the aborigines of his country. And if he 
 speaks a little English, it is Avith the brogue on his 
 tongue ; which would be unbecoming in a member 
 of your body. It would seem to me that a philoso- 
 pher ought to know how to write, or at least to read 
 But Teague can neither write nor read. He can* 
 sing a song or vrhistle an Irish tune ; but is to- 
 tally illiterate in all things else. I question much 
 if he could tell you how many new moons there are 
 in the year ; or a.ny the most common thing that 
 you could ask him. He is a long-legged fellow, it 
 is true ; and might be of service in clambering over 
 rocks, or going to the shores of rivers, to gather cu- 
 riosities. But could you not get persons to do this, 
 without making them members ? I have more res- 
 pect for science, than to suffer this bog-trotter to be 
 ^o advanced at its expence. 
 
28 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 In these American states, there is a wide field I'ot 
 philosophic search ; and these researches may be 
 of great use in agriculture, mechanics, and astro- 
 nomy. There is but little immediate profit attend- 
 ing these pursuits ; but if there can be inducements 
 tof honour, these may supply the place. What more 
 alluring to a young man, than the prospect of being, 
 one day, received into a society of men truly learn- 
 ed ; the admission being a test and a proof of dis- 
 tinguished knowledge. But the fountain of honour, 
 thus contaminated by a sediment foreign from its 
 nature, who would wish to drink of it ? 
 
 Said the philosopher, at the first institution of the 
 <society by Dr. Fran -.lin and others, it was put upon a 
 narrow basis, and only men of science v/ere consider- 
 ed proper to compose it ; and this might be a neces- 
 sary policy at that time, when the institution was in 
 its infancy, and could not bear much drawback of ir^- 
 norance. But it has not been judged so necessary of 
 late years. The matter stands now on a broad and 
 catholic bottom ; and, like the gospel itself, it is our 
 orders, '* to go out into the high- ways and hedges, 
 and compel them to come in." There are hundreds, 
 whose names you may see on our list, who are not 
 more instructed than this lad of yours. 
 
 They must be a sad set indeed then, said the Cap- 
 tain. Sad or no sad, said the other, it is the case ; 
 and if you will let Teague go, I will engage him a 
 membership. 
 
 I ta.eit very ill of you, Mr. Philosopher, said the 
 Captain, to put this nonsense in his head. If you 
 knew what trouble I have lately had with a parcel of 
 people that were for sending him to Congress, you 
 would be unwilling to draw him from me for the 
 purpose of making him » philosopher. It is not an 
 jeasy raattej to get hirelings now-a-days ; and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 39 
 
 when you do get one, it is a mere chance, whethei 
 he is faithful, and will suit your purpose. It would 
 be a very great loss to me, to have him taUen off at 
 this time, when I have equipped myself for a jour- 
 ney. 
 
 Teague was a good deal incensed at this refusal of 
 his master, and insisted that he would be a philoso- 
 pher. You are an ignoramus, said the Captain. It 
 is not the being among philosophers will make yoa 
 one. 
 
 Teague insisted that he had a right to maVe the 
 best of his fortune : and as there was a door open to 
 his advancement, he did not see why he might not 
 ma e use of it. 
 
 The Captain finding that it answered no end to 
 dispute the matter with him, by words of sense and 
 reason, took a contrary way to manage him. 
 
 Teague, said he, 1 have a regard for you, and 
 •would wish to see you do well. But before you take 
 this step, I would wish to spea'v a word or two in 
 private. If you will go, I may perhaps suggest 
 -some things that may be of service to you, for your 
 future conduct in that body. 
 
 Teague consenting, they stepped aside ; and the 
 Captain addressed him in the following manner : 
 
 Teague, said he, do you know what you are about? 
 It is a fine thing at first sight, to be a philosopher, 
 and get into this body. And indeed, if you were a 
 real philosopher, it might be some honour, and also 
 safe, to take that leap. But do you think it is to 
 make a philosopher of you that they want you ? Far 
 from it. It is their great study to find curiosities ; 
 and because this man saw you coming after me, 
 with a red head, trotting liue an Esquimaux Indian, 
 it has stmck his mind to pick you up, and pass you 
 for one. Nay, it is possible, they may inteud 
 
30 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 worse ; and when they have examined you a- 
 while, ta'.e the skin off you, and pass you for an 
 overgrown otter, or a musk-rat ; or some outlandish 
 animal, for which they will themselves, invent a 
 name. If you were at the museum of one of these 
 societies, to observe the quantity of skins and skele- 
 tons they have, you mij^ht be well assured they did 
 not come by them lionestly. I know so much of 
 these people, that I am well persuaded they would 
 think no more of throwing you into a kettle of boil- 
 ing water, than they would a tarapin ; and having 
 scraped you out to a shell, present you as the relics 
 of an animal tliey had procured, at an immense price, 
 from some Guinea merchant. Or if they should not 
 at once turn you to this use, how, in the mean time, 
 will they dispose of you ? They will have you away 
 through the bogs and marshes, catching flies and 
 mire-snipes ; or send you to the woods to bring a pole- 
 cat ; or oblige you to descend into dravr-wells for fog, 
 and phlogistic air, and the Lord knows what. You 
 must go into wolves dens, and catch bears by the tail ; 
 run over mountains lie an oppossum, and dig the 
 earth like a ground-hog. You will have to climb 
 upon trees, and be bit by flving squirrels. There 
 will be no end to the mus cetoes you will have to dh- 
 sect. What is all this to diving into mill-dams and 
 rivers, to catch craw- fish. Or if you go to the 
 ocean, there -are alligators to devour you like a 
 cat-fish Who knows but it may come your turn, 
 in a windy night, to go aloft to the heavens, 
 to rub down the stars, and give the goats and 
 rams that are there, fodder. The keeping the 
 stars clean, is a laborious work ; a great deal worse 
 than scouring andirons, or brass kettles. There is a 
 bull there would think no more of tossing you on his 
 horns than he would a puppy dog. If the crab should 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 31 
 
 get yon in his claws he would squeeze you like a lob- 
 ster. But what is all that to your having: no place 
 to stand on ? How would you like to be up at the 
 moon, and to fall down v/hen you^had missed your 
 hold, like a boy from the topmast of a siiip, and have 
 your brains beat out upon the top of some great 
 mountain ; where the devil might take your skeleton 
 and g-ive it to the turkey-buzzards ? 
 
 Orifthey should, in the mean time,excuse you from, 
 such out of door services, they will rack and toiture 
 you with hard questions. You must tell them ho\r 
 lon^ the rays of light are coming; from the sun ; hovr 
 many drops of rain fall in a thunder-gust ; what 
 maiscs the grasshopper chirp when the sun is hot ; 
 how muscle shells get up to the top of the mountains ; 
 how the Indians got over to Am.erica. You will have 
 to prove that the negroes were once white ; and that 
 their flat noses came by some cause In the compass 
 of human means to produce. These are puzzling- 
 questions ; and yet you must solve them all. Take 
 my advice, and stay where you are. Many men 
 have ruined themselves by their ambition, and made 
 bad worse. There is another kind of philosophy, 
 which lies more within your sphere ; that is moral 
 philosophy. Every hostler or hireling can study 
 this, and you ha e the most excellent opportunity of 
 acquiring this knowledge in our traverses through the 
 country ; or communications at the different taverns 
 or villages, where we may happen to sojourn. 
 
 Teague had long ago, in his own mind, given up 
 all thoughts of the society, and would not for the 
 world have any more to do with it ; therefore, with- 
 out bidding the philosopher adieu, they pursued 
 their route as usual. 
 
5% MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 1 
 
 CHAPTER Vn. 
 
 CONTAINING OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 THE institution of the American Philosophi- 
 cal Society, does great honour to the founders ; and 
 what has been published by that body, comes not be- 
 hind what has appeared from societies of the same 
 nature elsewhere. But of late years, it has ceased to 
 be presumptive evidence, at least what the lawyers 
 call violent presumption, of philosophical attain- 
 ments, to be a "member ; owing to the spurious brood 
 of illiterate persons that have been admitted indis* 
 criminately with the informed; this again owing to 
 a political dispute in the government where this so- 
 ciety exists. For where there are parties in a com- 
 monwealth, they naturally subdivide themselves, 
 and are found even in the retreats of the muses. It 
 has become the question with this society, not, 
 whether a man is a philospher or not, but what part 
 he has taken in some question on the carpet. The 
 body conceived itself to pay a compliment to the 
 person admitted, as if it could be any honour to a 
 man to be announced what he is not. The contrary 
 is the case here. For as honour is the acknowledg- 
 ment which the world makes of a man's rcspecta- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 33 
 
 bilitjr, there can be no honour here ; for it has be- 
 come a mere matter of moon -shine to be a member. 
 To be, or not to be, that is the question ; but so tri- 
 flings that it is scarcely ever made. The way to re- 
 medy this, would be, to have an overhauling of the 
 house, and derange at least three parts in four. As 
 in the case of Tarquin, and the three remaining 
 books of the Sybiles, you would receive as much for 
 the fourth part of that body, should you set them up 
 at market, as for the whole at present. 
 
 I have often reflected with myself, what an honour 
 it must be, to be one of the society of the French 
 academy ; forty, of twenty-four millions of people, 
 
 ! are selected in consequence of literary characters al- 
 ready established. 
 
 I recollect the time when I had high ideas of phi- 
 losophical membership in America. But it does 
 
 i not appear to me nov/ to be the highest thing that a 
 mancouldwish, since even a common TeagueOregan 
 trotting on the high-way, has been solicited to take 
 a seat. It may be said, that this is an exaggeratioa 
 of the facts ; and can be considered only as burles- 
 que. I profess it is not intended as such, but as a 
 fair picture of what has taken place. Should it be 
 considered in the. light of burlesque, it inust be a 
 very lame one ; because where there is no excess 
 there can be no caricatura. But omitting all apolo- 
 gies and explanations, let the matter rest where it is. 
 
 VOL. 1. 
 
i,.i MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER Vni. 
 
 IT was somewhat late when the Captain arri- 
 Ted at an inn this evening. There was there, be 
 fore him, a young clergyman, who had been preach- 
 ing that day to a neighbouring congregation ; but 
 had not as usual, gone home with an elder ; but had 
 come thus far on his way towards another place, 
 where he was to preach the next day. 
 
 The Captain entering into conversation with the 
 clergyman, sat up pretty late. The subject was 
 what might be expected; viz. the affairs of religion 
 and the church. The clergyman was a good young 
 man ; but with a leaning fanaticism, and being righ- 
 teous over much : The Captain on the other hand, 
 somewhat sceptical in his notions of religion : 
 Hence, a considerable opposition of sentiment be- 
 tween the two. But at length, drowziness seizing 
 both, candles were called for, and they went to bed. 
 
 It was about an hour or two after, when an up^ 
 roar was heard in a small chamber to the left of the 
 stair case which led to the floor on which they slept. 
 ■..^ It was Teague, who had got to bed to the girl of the 
 house. For as they would neither let him go ta 
 Congress, nor be a philosopher, he must be doing 
 something. The girl not being apprized, or not 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 35 
 
 chusing his embraces, made a great outcry and la- 
 .mentation. The clergyman, who slept in an ad- 
 joining chamber, and hearing this, out of the zeal 
 of his benevolence and humanity, leaped out of bed 
 in his shirt, and ran in, to see what was the cause of 
 the disturbance. The Captain also jumping up, fol- 
 lowed soon after, and was scarcely in the chamber, 
 before the landlord coming up with a candle, found 
 them ail together. 
 
 The maid gave this account of the matter, viz. 
 That between sleeping and waking she felt a man's 
 hand, lifting up the bed clothes; upon which she 
 called out murder. But whether it was any body 
 there present, or some one else, she could not tell. 
 
 Teague, whose natural parts were not bad, and 
 presence of mind considerable, instantly adopted 
 the expedient to throw the matter on the clergyman. 
 By shaint Patrick, said he, I was aslape in my own 
 bed, as sound as the shates that were about me, 
 when I heard the sound of this young cratur;i'& 
 voice crying out like a shape in a pasture ; and when 
 after I had heard, aslape as I was, and come here, I 
 found this praste, who was so holy, and praching all 
 night, upon the top of the bed, with his arms round 
 this young crature's neck ; and if I had not given 
 him a twitch by the nose, and bid him ly over, dear 
 honey, he would have ravished her virginity, and 
 murdered her, save her soul, and the paple of the 
 house not the wiser for it. 
 
 The clergyman stared with his mouth open ; for 
 ■the palpable nature of the falsehood, had shocked 
 him beyond the power of speech. 
 
 But the landlady, who in the mean time had come 
 up, and had heard what Teague had said, was enra- 
 ged, and could supply speech for them both. Hey, 
 ■said she, this comes of your preaching and praying. 
 
36 MODERN CHIVALRY. ^ 
 
 Mr. Minister. I have lodged many a gentleman;, 
 but Iiave never had such doings here before. It is ai 
 pretty story that a minister of the gospel should be 
 the first to bring a scandal upon the house. 
 
 The Captain interrupted her, and told her there 
 vras no harm done. The maid Avas not actually ra- 
 vished ; and if there vt^as no noise made about itj all 
 miatters miight be set right. 
 
 The clergyman had by this time recovered him- 
 self so much as to have the use of his tongue ; and 
 began by protesting his innocence, and that it Avas no 
 more him that made the attack upon the maid, than 
 the angel Gabriel. 
 
 The Captain, interrupting him, and wishing to, 
 save his feelings, began by excusing or extenus-ting , 
 the offence. It is no great affair, said he, after all, 
 thatis said or done. The love of woman is a natu- 
 ral sin, and the holiest men in all ages have been 
 propense to this indulgence. There was Abraham 
 that got to bed to his Tn-iid Hagar, and had a bastard 
 by her, whom he named Ishmael. Joshua, who 
 look Jericho by the sound of ram's horns, saved a 
 likely slut of the name of Rahab, under a pretence 
 that she had been civil to the spies he had sent out, 
 but in reality because he himself took a fancy for her. 
 I need say nothing about David, who wrote the 
 psalms, and set them to music ; and yet in his old 
 days had a girl to sleep with him. Human nature is 
 human nature still ; and it is not all the preaching 
 and praying on earth can extinguish it. 
 
 The clergyman averred his innocence, and that 
 it was that red-headed gentleman himself, meaning 
 Teague, who was in the room first, and had been 
 guilty of the outrage. Teague was beginning to 
 make the sign of the cross, and to put himself into 
 an attitude of swearing, when the £)aptain thinking 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 37 
 
 it of no consequence who was the person, put an 
 end to the matter, by ordering Teague to bed, and 
 himself bidding the company good night. 
 
 The clergyman iinding no better could be made 
 of it, took the advice of the landlord, and retired 
 also. The landlady seemed disposed to hush the 
 matter up, and the maid went to sleep as usual. 
 
 It is not tlie nature of the female tongue to be si- 
 lent. The landlady, the ne::t day, could not avoid 
 informing her gossips, and even some of her guests, 
 of what had happened the preceding evening in her 
 house. The report, so -unfavourable to the clergy- 
 man, had therefore got out; and coming to the ears 
 of the consistory, was the occasion of calling him be- 
 fore them, to answer to the accusation. The cler- 
 gyman much alarmed, though conscious of inno- 
 cence, bethought himself of applying to the Cap- 
 tain, to extort from his waiting-man a confession of 
 the truth, and relieve his character. Accordingly, 
 having set out on a bay horse that he had, he found 
 the Captain, and addressed him in the following 
 manner: 
 
 Captain, said he, the affair of that night at the 
 tavern, is like to be of serious consequence to me. 
 For though I am as innocent as the child unborn, 
 yet the presumption is against me, and I am likely 
 to fall under church censure. It may be sport to 
 you, but it is a matter of moment to me. Now, as 
 sure as God is in heaven, I am innocent ; and it must 
 have been the devil, or that red headed Irishman of 
 yours, that made the disturbance. 
 
 The Captain gave him the comfort of assuring 
 him that he might make himself easy ; for be the 
 matter as it might, he would take care tlxat Teague 
 , should assume it, and bear the blame. The cler- 
 Igyman thanked him, declaring at the same. time, 
 
 E,2 
 
38 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 that he would not forget him in his prayers, Sunday 
 or Saturday, while he had an hour to live. The 
 Captain, not so much from any mercenary motive 
 of benefit, by his spiritual solicitations, as from a real 
 love of humanity and justice, had determined to do 
 him essential service in this affair. Accordingly, 
 when the clergyman had retired, calling Teague be- 
 fore him, he began in this manner : Teague, said 
 he, from what I know of your disposition, I have no 
 more doubt than I have of my existence, that it was 
 yourself who made that uproar with the girl at the 
 tavern where we lodged ; though I could not but 
 give you credit for your presence of mind in throw- 
 ing it upon the clergyman. But whether the mat- 
 ter lies with you or him, is of no consequence. You 
 can take it upon you, and lay up treasure in heaven. 
 It will be doing a good vrork; and these people, you 
 may be assured, have a considerable influence in the 
 other world. This clergyman can speak a good 
 word for you when you come there, and let you into 
 lialf the benefit of all the prayers he has said on 
 earth. It will be no harm to you, for your charac- 
 ter in this respect is as bad as it can well be. 
 
 Teague said he did not care much ; but thought 
 the priest ought to pay a little smart money ; for it 
 v/as a thankless matter to do these things for noth- 
 ing. Said the Captain, these people are not the 
 most plenty of money ; but I will advance half a 
 crown towards the accommodation. Teague was 
 satisfied, and ready to acknowledge whatever was 
 demanded of him. 
 
 Accordingly, having come before the presbytery 
 -on the day appointed for the trial, Teague made 
 confession of the truth, viz. That being in the kitch- 
 en with the girl, and observing her to be a good 
 looking hussy 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 39 
 
 But suppose we give the speech in his own dia- 
 lect:. ..Master prastes, said he, I persave you are 
 all prastes of the gosple, and can prach as asily as 
 I can talve a chaw of tobacco. Now de trut of de 
 story is dis; I was slaping in my bed, and I tought 
 vid myself it was a shame amongst christian paple 
 that a young crature should slape by herself, and 
 have no one to take care of her. So I tought vid my- 
 self, to go and slape vid her. But as she was aslape, 
 she made exclamation, and dis praste that is here 
 before you, came in to save her shoul from the de-^ 
 vil ; and as the Captain my master, might take of- 
 fence, and the devil, I am shartain that it was no 
 better person, put it into my head to lay it on the 
 praste. This is the trut master prastes, as I hope 
 for shalvation in the kingdom of purgatory, shen tie- 
 men. 
 
 On this confession, the clergyman was absolved, 
 to the great joy of the presbytery, who considered 
 it as a particular providence that the truth was 
 brought to light. 
 
40 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER IX, 
 
 CONTAINING REFLECTIONS. 
 
 IT must appear from the incidenl at the pub- 
 lic house, with what caution presumptive testimony- 
 is to be admitted. Our criminal law admits it, but 
 lays it down as a rule, that it be admitted with cau- 
 tion. There is what is called violent presumption ; 
 that is, where such circumstances exist, as usually 
 attend the fact. Presumptive proof of this nature 
 is held sufficient to convict. I doubt much, whether 
 reason or experience approve the doctrine. Reason 
 tells us, that there may be all the circumstances that 
 usually attend the fact, and yet without the fact itself. 
 Experience evinces that it has been the case ; for 
 we have heard of persons convicted of a capital of- 
 fence ; and yet with their last breath asserting inno- 
 cence. Nay, in the case of some vrho have been 
 convicted of homicide, the persons who have been 
 supposed to have been murdered, have afterwards 
 been found alive. 
 
 But on abstract principles, a conclusion of certainty 
 cannot be drawn from presumptive proof. Because 
 in cases of the most violent presumption, there is 
 ■still a possibility of innocence; and where there is a 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 41 
 
 possibility, there must be a doubt; and will you hang 
 man, woman, or child, where there is a doubt. 
 
 In all cases there ought to be complete proof; be- 
 vcause the convicted person is to be completely pu- 
 nished ; and the jury, previous to this, must make 
 complete oath of the guilt. 
 
 It is the ground of the doctrine of presumptive 
 ,proof, that where you cannot help suspecting, you 
 ought to be positive; whereas the just conclusion 
 would be, that where you cannot help suspecting, 
 there you ought to suspect still, but no more." 
 
 It would be a curious question in arithmetic hovr 
 many uncertainties make a certainty ? In mathema- 
 tics, the three angles of a triangle, a.re equal to two 
 right angles. But these are all angles, that are put 
 together; that is, they are things of the same kind, 
 but the greatest angle, and the longest side will ne- 
 ver make a triangle, because there is no inclusion of 
 space. There must be a number of things of the 
 ■same kind to make an aggregate whole; so that ten 
 thousand possibilities, probabilities, and violent pre- 
 sumptions, can never constitute a certainty. 
 
 Presumptive proof, like the seini plena probatio of 
 
 'the Roman law, going but half-way towards proof, 
 
 can never amount to proof at all. For, as the say- 
 
 • ing is, a miss is as good as a mile. I would, there- 
 ; fore, recommend to all jurors, to take care that un- 
 , less the Avitnesses swear positively to the fact, they 
 I do not find a verdict, guilty ; because, as the current 
 I cannot rise higher than the source, so the verdict of 
 
 the juror ought not to be more absolute than the oath 
 Ijof the witness. In all cases, therefore, short of po- 
 
 * sitive testimony, acquit. 
 
 These hints may also be of service to young at- 
 tornies, and weak judges ; so that honest people may 
 Mot lose their lives, or be rendered infamous, without; 
 
42 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 full proof of the offence. It is hard enough to suffer 
 when there is full proof; but to be in the power of .a 
 juror's or a judge's imagination, comparing and con- 
 struing circumstances, and weighing possibilities, 
 contingencies, and what might have been, or what 
 might not have been, as the humour, caprice, wheel, 
 or whim of the brain may suggest, is inconsistent 
 with that fair trial which, in a free government, ought 
 to be enjoyed. Was I a judge or juror, no one v/ould 
 I condemn without positive testimony of the fact.... 
 For it would not be in my poAver to restore that fame 
 or life which I took away from the innocent. And 
 if a guilty person should escape, it was none of my 
 look out; but the business of Providence to furnish 
 proof, if it was intended that man should punish ; and 
 if proof is not furnished, let Providence take the mat- 
 ter on himself, and punish the culprit either in this 
 life or in a future state. Invisible things belong 
 the Omniscient; and it would seem great arroganc 
 in man to take upon him to decide in cases of uncer 
 tainty. I hope, therefore, yet to see the doctrine 
 presumptive proof, in criminal cases, wholly, 
 courts of justice, discountenanced. I can declare, 
 that in the course of my experience at the bar, I have 
 Jhad one hung, and several others witliin an ace of it, 
 who were innocent; and this on the doctrine of pre- 
 sumption and probability. The one that was hung 
 was a tory case, where the popular clamour was 
 against the man; and light presumption became vio- 
 lent, under such a charge. 
 
 I shall say no more on this subject; because it 
 seems to me that I have been affecting to speak 
 sense, whereas my business is to speak nonsense; 
 this being the only way to keep out of the reach of 
 criticism ; because critics can say no more than you 
 3'ourself allow ; so that a charge of nonsense canuo^ 
 
 Lt- 
 
 isJj 
 tol 
 
 I 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. *S 
 
 fiurt. It is thus that persons who have a long nose, 
 or disproportion of some other feature, take the 
 laugh upon themselves first, and so escape ridicule^ 
 The truth is, I will not give myself the trouble to 
 write sense long. For 1 would as soon ple?.se fools as 
 wise men ; because the fools are the most numerous, 
 and every prudent man will go with the majority. I 
 shall returu to the adventures of the Captain^ 
 
44 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 THE Presbytery sat a day or two at this 
 place, on church affairs, and the Captain remaining 
 with them, lodged at the same house ; Teague, in the 
 mean time, having an opportunity of ingratiating 
 himself with the clergymen, by rubing down their 
 horses, and other menial services. For it is the na- 
 tional character of the aboriginal Irish, to give fair 
 words ; and Teague was not deficient in this address. 
 What with master Prasting, and giving a great deal 
 of what is called blarney, he insinuated himself into 
 their good graces ; and by affecting, now and then, 
 to be seen at prayers by himself, and to have a sor- 
 rowful countenance, he induced them to believe that 
 he was in the first stage of conviction, and likely to 
 become a pious man. Having made this progress in 
 their good opinion, he ventured to suggest what was 
 the ultimate object of his ambition, viz. the being a 
 candidate for holy orders. The Presbytery, to whom 
 the matter was represented by the individuals more 
 particularly acquainted with him, thought favourably 
 of the proposition. For though his common attain- 
 ments might not be great, yet if the grace of God 
 had wrought upon him, he might become a valua- 
 ble man. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 45 
 
 The Captain having got a hint of this, took the 
 I first opportunity of addressing the Presbytery. Gen- 
 ' tlemen, said he, you are deceived in this ragamuffin. 
 For, notwithstanding all the pretensions he may late- 
 ly have to reli;;ion, you may be well assured that it 
 is all hypocrisy, and that he has no Aore religion 
 than my horse. 
 
 The Presbytery suspecting the Captain to be a car- 
 nal man, and regardless of the ministry? gave little 
 heed to what he said, and seemed disposed to take 
 Teag;ue upon trials. 
 
 The Captain finding the case to stand thus, and 
 that in spite of all he could do, he was likely to lose 
 his servant, took his usual method of addressing the 
 hopes and fears of Teague himself. 
 
 Takin:^; him aside, he be :,an, with all possible art, 
 to impress such fears and apprehensions, as the na- 
 ture of the case su sgested. Tea,.ue, said he, do you 
 know what you are about? You have got into your 
 vagaries once more. You want to preach, do you? 
 Are yon apprised of the difficulty of this work? The 
 first thiny; you will have to do, is to take a text ; and 
 when that is done, you have to split it into parts.... 
 There are what are called heads ; and these you must 
 divide into firstlys, and secondlys, and thirdlys, and 
 fourthlys, and so on, till you come to twentietlilys, 
 perhaps. Are you furnished with a concordance? or 
 do you know what a concordance is ? Can you find a 
 V text to suit your purpose Avhen you want it? Can you 
 explain the scriptures; the meaning of Daniel's ram 
 and the he-goat, or the seven trumpets in the Reve- 
 ■ lations? You are mistaken if you think your Irish 
 will pass for Hebrew. 
 
 You think it a great honour to preach, do you ? It 
 >, as an honour once ; but the thing is now become 
 
 VOL. I. F 
 
4^i MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 so common, that it is of little consequence to preach 
 or not. 
 
 But do you know how it vrill behove you to con^ 
 duct yourself, if you take this office upon you. You 
 will have to compose the muscles of your face to 
 .^rreater seriousness than your disposition can afTord. 
 You must quit whorinr^;. How will you like that, 
 Tea^ue. It would look very ill after sermon to be 
 catched in bed with a girl at a tavern. 
 
 But do you know why these men are so anxious to 
 have you of their mess? The truth of the matter is, 
 they carry on a war v.ith tlie devil, and they wish to 
 recruit you for the service. Do they J^ive you any 
 bounty-money. I am afraid, there will be but little 
 of this going. Take my advice then, and let them 
 settle their own quarrels. It is a silly thin^ to be 
 drawn into a party, when there is but little to be e ot 
 by it ; Nay worse than little : For it will be all on the 
 other sidcr Think you the devil will forget the mis- 
 chief you do him in this world, and not resent it 
 when he com.es across you in a future state? When 
 you are preaching and praying, do you think he will 
 not hear all that you throw out against him. You 
 may rely upon it, there will be enough to give him 
 information; and as a story never loses in the tell- 
 ing, it is ten to one they will make thefrnatter worse 
 than it was. Take my adviccv'ther^fore, and make 
 no enemies while you can help it. Steer through 
 life as smoothly as possible. Keep a good tongue 
 in your mouth, and let those who chuse to dispute 
 with Eelzebub, dispute. I never knew any good 
 come of broils and quarrels, especially with low 
 characters. And, to say the truth of it, this Satan, 
 as they call him, is but a low fellow. Even where 
 he is well disposed, he will do but little good to one ^ 
 but a most dangerous creature where he takes a dis- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER. H. 
 
 DELAYING some time in a village, there 
 Avas a great deal said about a certain Miss Vapour, 
 who was the belle of the place. Her father had 
 made a fortune by the purchase of public securities. 
 A garrison having been at this place, and troops 
 quartered here he had been employed as an issumg 
 x:ommissary l When the commission'^rs sat to adjust 
 unliquidated claims he had a good deal in his pow^ 
 er. by vouching for the accounts of the butcher and 
 baker and wood-cutter and water-drawer and wag- 
 goner, and otliers of all occupations whatsoever, 
 whose claims were purchased by himself in the 
 mean time and when the certificates issued in their 
 names, they were to his use. The butcher and baker, 
 no doubt, long before had been paid out of the flesh 
 killed or bread baked ; because it is a good maxim, 
 and a scriptural expression- '■'■ Muzzle not the ox 
 that treadeth out the corn." But the public has a 
 broad back, and a little vouching by a person inte- 
 rested is not greatly felt. These certificates though 
 at first of little value, and issued by the commission- 
 ers with the liberality of those who give what is of 
 little worth, yet by the funding acts of the govern- 
 ment, having become, in value, equal to gold and 
 
54 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 silver, the commissary had a great estate th^o^vn 
 upon him; so that from low beginnings he had be- 
 come d man of fortune and consequence. His fa- 
 mily, and especially the eldest daughter, shared the 
 advantage ; for she had become the object of almost 
 all wooers. The Captain, thou .h an old batchelor, 
 as we have said- had not wholly lost the idea ot ma- 
 trimony. Happening to be in a circle one evening, 
 Avhere Miss Vapour was, he took a liking to her, in 
 all respects save one, which waS; that she seemed, 
 on her part, to have taken a liking to a certain Mr. 
 Jacko who was there present ; and to whose attention 
 she discovered a facility of acquiescence. The Cap- 
 tain behaved: for the present as if he did not observe 
 the preference ; but the following day waiting on the 
 young lady at her father's house, he drew her into 
 conversation, and began to reason with her in the 
 following manner : 
 
 Miss Vapour, said he, you are a young lady of 
 great beauty, great sense, and fortune still greater 
 than either. ...This was a sad blunder in a man of 
 gallantry, but the lady not being of the greatest sen- 
 sibility of nerve, did not perceive it On my part, 
 
 said he, I am a man of years, but a man of some re- 
 flection ; and it would be much more adviseable in 
 you to trust my experience, and the mellowness of 
 my disposition in a state of matrimony, than the 
 vanity and petulence of this young fop Jacko, for 
 whom you shew a partiality. The colour coming 
 into the young lady's face at this expression, she 
 withdrew, and left him by himself. The Captain, 
 struck with the rudeness, withdrew also, and, calling 
 Teague from the kitchen, mounted his horse and set 
 off. 
 
 The next morning shortly after he had got out of 
 bed, and had just come dovm stairs at his lodging, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 4^ 
 
 totally disreo;arded and thrown out? Because when 
 human gifts or acquirements are absent, that which 
 is supernatural more evidently appears. 
 
 Do not Quakers, and Methodists, and Baptists, 
 preach very well ? At any rate, they do a great deal 
 
 of good, and that is the first object of preaching 
 
 Whether such sermonists, avail themselves most of 
 sense or sound, I v/ill not say ; but so it is they do 
 good ; and that without the aid of any human learn- 
 ing whatever. 
 
 It is very true, tlxat formerly in the infancy of the 
 church, a knowledge of languages and sciences, mi.c;ht 
 be requisite. But the case is quite altered now. The 
 Scripture has been well explained, and frequently 
 preached over ; every text and context examined? and 
 passages illustrated. The Hebrew roots, so to speak, 
 have been all dug up ; and there is scarcely a new 
 etymology to be made. Are there any new doc- 
 trines to discover? I should think it impossible. At 
 any rate, I should conceive it unnecessary. There 
 are enough in all conscience : The inventing more, 
 would be like bringing timber to a wood, or coals to 
 Newcastle. 
 
 This being the case, I feel myself disposed to agree 
 with those who reject human learning in religious 
 matters altogether. More especially as science is 
 really not the fashion at the present time. For as 
 has been before seen, even in the very province of 
 science itself, it is dispensed with; that of natural 
 philosophy, for instance. In state affairs, ignorance 
 does very well, and why not in church? I am for 
 having all things of a piece ; ignorant statesmen, ig- 
 norant philosophers, and ignorant ecclesiastics. On 
 this principle, Teague might have done very well as 
 a preacher. But the selfishness of the Captain pra- 
 yailed, and obstructed his advancement. 
 
50 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 BOOK IL 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 <:ONTAIXING PRELIMINARY OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 I AM very happy in the composition of this 
 work ; for though but of a trifling nature as to senti- 
 ment ; yet, in what I do write, no one can attribute 
 to me the least tincture of satire, or ridicule of indi- 
 viduals or public bodies. This is what I very much 
 dislike in others, and would be far from indulging in 
 myself. I acknov/ledge, that in my earlier years, 
 and in the course of my academical studies, I had 
 contracted some taste, and even habit, this way; 
 owing to my reading the dialogues of Lucian, in the 
 original Greek. Had I read them in a translation, 
 they might have made less impression. But by 
 means of a difficult language, studying them slowly, 
 the turn of thought became more deeply impressed 
 upon my mind. Moreover, afterwards, when I came 
 to have some accjuaintance with the modern v/it!5^ 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 51 
 
 ' such as^ Cervantes, Le Sage, and especially Swift, I 
 found myself still more inclined to an ironical, and 
 ludicrous way of thinking and writing. But finding 
 the bad effects of this, in many respects, leading me 
 into broils with individuals and rendering me obnox- 
 ious to public bodies, I saw the indiscretion; and bad 
 policy of such indulgence ; and have for several years 
 past, carefully avoided every thing of this kind. It 
 is indeed acting but a poor part in life, to make a 
 business of laughing at the follies of others. It is 
 injurious to one's self; for there is a great deal more 
 to be gained by soothing and praising what men do, 
 than by finding fault with them. It may be said of 
 
 I satire, what was said of anger by some philosopher, 
 It never pays the service it requires. It is your 
 scratching, rum.p-tickling people^ that get into place 
 and power. I never knev/ any good come of wit and 
 humour yet. They are talents which keep the owner 
 down. For this reason, I have taken care to repress 
 all propensity to this vice ; and I believe I can say it 
 with truth, that since I have come to the years of a 
 man's understanding, I have carefully avoided every 
 thing of this nature. Had it not been for this pru- 
 dence, I should not have been in a fair way, as I 
 now am, to be a member of congress, or a judge on 
 the bench, or governor of a commonwealth, or secre- 
 tary of state, or any thing that I may have in view. 
 Had I remained an admirer of Rabelais, or Sterne, 
 or other biting, jeering writers, that I at first met 
 with, I might at this day have been considered as a 
 wit only, without the least advancement in state af- 
 fairs. But I would sooner see your Juniuses, and 
 your Peter Pindars, libelling kings and ministers, at 
 hell, than sacrifice my interest to my passion, or my 
 vanity, by strokes of wit, which is but another name 
 for ill-nature. 
 
5 2 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 In this treatise, which is simply a relation of th« 
 adventures of an individual, I have nothing to do with 
 strictures upon particular persons, or the affairs of 
 men in general, and so have no temptation to the 
 folly I have just mentioned. The reader, if any 
 body ever reads it, will find nothing here but phi- 
 lanthropic and benevolent ideas. 
 
 Indeed, as it has been known that I was engaged 
 in Meriting something, persons who either took, or 
 pretended to take, some interest in my affairs, have 
 urged me very much to depart a little from my 
 U3ual way, and make use of a little irony, by way of 
 seasoning to the composition; for, in this case, it 
 would be received better, and procure more readers ; 
 mankind being naturally delighted with ridicule.... 
 But the truth was, I could see nothing to be ironical 
 about ; owing, perhaps, to my not being in the habit 
 of looking for the ridiculous, and so having lost the 
 talent of discovering it. But my resolution that I 
 had taken would have fully preserved, me from such 
 a lapse, however numerous the\objects of ridicule 
 might be, that presented tjiemselves. This will 
 serve as an apology to 'tl>o^*vvho have solicited me 
 on this head, and relieve iisS^rom such solicitations 
 . for the future . 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 47 
 
 Jike. When you go to hell, as one day you must, 
 you can expect but little quarter, after abusing him 
 in this world. He will make you squeel like a pig; 
 take you by the throat, and i-ick you like a cat. His 
 very scullions will piss upon you, and give you no 
 better life than a dog among their feet; while these 
 
 I very clergymen, that put you forvvard to blackguard 
 
 j for them, will stand by laughing in their sleeves that 
 
 ■ you could be such a fool. 
 
 I The representation had the desired effect upon 
 Teague, and he thought no more of the matte,r. 
 
 
 f^ 
 
48 MODERN CHIVALRY 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 THE application made by Tea-^ue, to be ad- 
 mitted to the ministry and the simplicity of the ec- 
 clesiastics in listenm.* to his..overt\4res made a great 
 noise through the neighT;^t^n"iOod ; in as much as the 
 youn^ man labour^jd under a want o^ education, and 
 was not qualified By theolof icarreading. But I do 
 not see v/i!y it should be titbught bl^iiable; provid- 
 ed the matter wasr.iiot too much hurried and hastily 
 brou lit forv/ard. For .give him a little time and he 
 miglit have been instructed to preach as well as some 
 that I m.ysvilf have heard Especially if at first set- 
 ting out, he had confined himself to historical pas- 
 sages of scripture ; such as the history of Sampson, 
 and Gideon, and Barak, and the li-e: Only he must 
 have taken care that in pronouncing Barak with the 
 brogue upon his tongue, he did not make it Burke ; 
 for that is a patronimic name of his country and he 
 might inadvertently have fallen into this pronuncia- 
 tion. 
 
 I acknowledge that in the re-:-:ular churches such 
 as that of the Presbyterians tliere is still kept up 
 some opinion of the necessity of literature. But do 
 we not see that with other denominations ; such as 
 the Quakers, the Methodists, and Anabaptists, it is 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 5.5 
 
 and was buttoning the knees of his breeches, a liglit 
 airy looking young man, with much bowing and ci- 
 vility, entered the hall of the public house, and en- 
 quiring if this was not Captain Farrago to whom he 
 had the honour to address himself, and delivered him 
 a paper. On the perusal, it was found to be a chal- 
 lenge from Mr. Jacko. 
 
 The fact was, that Miss Vapour, in order the more 
 to recommend herself to her suitor, had informed 
 him of the language of the Captain^ The young 
 man, though he had no great stomach for the mat- 
 ter, yet according to the custom of these times, could 
 do no less than challenge. The bearer was what is 
 called his second. 
 
 The Captain having read the paper, and pausing 
 a while, said, Mr. Second, for that I take to be your 
 stile and character, is it consistent with reason or 
 common sense, to be the aider or abettor of another 
 man's folly; perhaps the prompter: for it is no un- 
 common thing with persons to inflame the passions 
 of their friends, rather than allay them. This young 
 woman, for I shall not call her lady, from vanity, or 
 ill-nature, or both, has become a tale-bearer to her 
 lover, who, I will venture to say, thanks her but lit- 
 tle for it ; as she has thereby rendered it necessary 
 for him to take this step. You, in the mean time, 
 are not blameless, as it became you to have declined 
 the office, and thereby furnished an excuse to your 
 friend for not complying with the custom. For it 
 would have been a sufficient apology v/ith the lady to 
 have said, although he was disposed to fight, yet he 
 could get no one to be his armour-bearer or assistant. 
 It could have been put upon the footing that all had 
 such regard for his life, that no one would counte- 
 nance him in risking it. You would have saved him 
 by this means, all that uneasiness which he feels at 
 
56 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 present, least I should accept his challenge. I am 
 not so unacquainted with human nuture, as not to 
 know how disagreeable it rriust be to thin:, of having 
 a pistol ball lodged in the groin or the left breast, or, 
 to ma.e the best of it the pan of the V.nee bro e, or 
 the nose cut off or some wound less than mortal 
 given ; disat.reeable, especially to a man in the bloom 
 of life, and on the point of marriage with a woman 
 to whose person or fortune he has no exception. I 
 would venture to say. therefore, there will tfe no 
 great cifiicully in appeasing this Orlando Furioso, 
 that has sent me the challenge. Did you '- now the 
 state of liis mind, you would find it to be his wish at 
 this moment that I would ease his fe.rs and make 
 some apology. A very slight one would suffice. I 
 dare say his resentment against Miss Vapour is not 
 slight, and that be would renounce her person and 
 fortune both, to get quit of the duel. But the opi- 
 nion of the world is against him, and he must fight. 
 Do you think he has any great gratitude to you for 
 your services on this occasion. He had much rather 
 you had, in the freedom of friendship, given him a 
 kick on the bac'side, when he made application to 
 you; and told him, that it did not become him to 
 C|uarrel about a w^oman, who had, probably, consulted 
 but her own vanity, in giving him the information. 
 In that case, he v/ould have been more pleased with 
 you a month hence, than he is at present. I do not 
 know that he has an overstock of sense ; neverthe- 
 less, he cannot be just such a fool, as not to consider, 
 that you, yourself, may have pretensions to this belle, 
 and be disposed to have him. out of the way before 
 you. He must be a fool, indeed, if he does not re- 
 flect, that you had much rather see us fight than not; 
 from the very same principle that we ta' e delight in 
 seeing a cock-match, or a horse-race. The specta- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. bT 
 
 cle is new, and produces a brisk current of thought 
 through the mind ; which is a constituent of pleasure, 
 the absence of all movement giving none at all. 
 
 What do you suppose I must think of you, Mr. 
 Second ; I, who have read books, and thought a little 
 on the subject ; have made up my mind in these 
 matters, and account the squires that bring chal- 
 lenges from knights, as people of but very small 
 <lesert. Thinking men have condemned the duel, 
 and laws have prohibited it; but these miscreants 
 still keep it up, by being the conductors of the fluid. 
 My indignation, therefore, falls on such, and I have 
 long ago iixed on the mode of treating them. It is 
 this: a stout athletic man calls upon me, with a 
 challenge in his hand, I knock him down, if I can, 
 without saying a word. If the natural arm be not 
 sufficient for this purpose, I avail myself of any stone, 
 wooden, or iron instrument that I cast my eye upon, 
 not just to take away his life, if I can help it; but to 
 hit the line as exactly as possible, between actual 
 homicide, and a very bad v*'ound. For in this case, I 
 should conceive, a battery would be justifiable, or at 
 least excuseable, and the fine not greats the bearing 
 a challenge being a breach of the peace, in the first 
 instance. This would be my conduct with a stout 
 athletic man, whom I mip;ht think it dangerous to 
 encounter with fair warning, and on equal terms. 
 
 But in the present case, where (Here the second 
 
 began to shew signs of fear, raising himself, and in- 
 clining backwards, opening his eyes wider, and cast- 
 ing a look towards the door).... where, continued the 
 Captain, I have to do with a person of your slender 
 make, I do not adopt that surprise, or use an artificial 
 weapon ; but with these fists, which have been used 
 in early life to agricultural employments, I shall very 
 deliberately impress a blow. The ^econd rising to 
 VOL.1. G 'Ar-I 
 
58 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 his feet, began to recede a little. Be under no ap- 
 prehensions, said the Captain ; I shall use no unfair 
 method of biting, gouging, or wounding the private 
 parts. Nay, as you appear to be a young man of 
 
 a delicate constitution, I shall only choak a little 
 
 You will give me leave to take you by the throat in 
 as easy a manner as possible. 
 
 In the mean time, the second had been withdraw- 
 ing towards the door, and the Captain with outstretch- 
 ed arms, in a sideway direction, proceeding to inter- 
 cept him. In an instant, he was seized by the neck, 
 and the exclamation of murder which he made at 
 the first grasp, began to die away in hoarse guttural 
 murmurs of one nearly strangled, and labouring for 
 breath. The Captain meaning that he should be more 
 alarmed than hurt, dismissed him with a salutation 
 of his foot on the backside, as a claude ostium^ as he 
 went out. You may be, said he, a gentleman in the 
 opinion of the world ; but you are a low person in 
 mine ; and so shall it be done to every one who shaH 
 come upon such an errand. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 59 
 
 CHAPTER HI. 
 
 HAVING thus dismissed the secondary man, 
 he called in his servant Teague, and accosted him as 
 follows: Teague, said he, you have heretofore dis- 
 covered an ambition to be employed in some way 
 that would advance your reputation. There is now 
 a case fallen out, to which you are fully competent. 
 It is not a matter that requires the head to contrive, 
 but the hand to execute. The greatest fool is as fit 
 for it as a wise man. It is indeed your greatest 
 blockheads that chiefly vmderta'e it. The know- 
 ledge of law, physic, or divinity is out of the ques- 
 tion. Literature and political understanding is use- 
 less. Nothing more is necessary than a little reso- 
 lution of the heart. Yet it is an undertaking which 
 is of much estimation with the rabble, and has a 
 great many on its side to approve and praise it. 
 The females of the world, especially, admire the act, 
 and call it valour. I know you wisli to stsaid well 
 with the ladies. Here is an opportunity of advvinc- 
 ing your credit. I have had what is called a chal- 
 lenge sent me this morning. It is from a certain 
 Jacko, who is a suitor to a Miss Vapour, and has ta- 
 ken offence at an expression of mine, respecting him 
 to this female. I wish you to accept the challenge, 
 and fight him for me. 
 
•:- ^^t,i 'vi^rf^rrff^}-*^;* 
 
 to MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 At this proposition, Teague looked wild, and 
 made apology that he was not much used to boxing. 
 Boxing, said the Captain ; you are to fight what is 
 called a duel. You are to encounter him with pis- 
 tols and put a bullet through him if you can. It is 
 true, he will have the chance of putting one through 
 you ; but in that consists the honour ; for where there 
 is no danger, there is no glory. You will provide 
 yourself a second. There is an hostler here at the 
 public house, that is a brave fellow, and will answer 
 the purpose. Being furnished with a second, you 
 will provide yourself with a p?Jr of pistols, powder 
 and bail of course. In the mean time, your adver- 
 sary notified of your intentions, will do the like. 
 Thus equipped, you will advance to the place 
 agreed upon. The ground will be m.easured out; 
 ten, seven, or five steps ; back to back, and coming 
 round to your place, fire. Or taking your ground, 
 stand still and fire ; or it may be, advance and fire as 
 you meet, at what distance you think proper. The 
 rules in this respect are not fixed, but as the parties 
 can agree or the seconds point out. ^V hen you 
 come to fire, be sure you keep a steady hand, and 
 take good aim. Remember that the pistol barrel 
 being short, the powder is apt to throw the bullet up. 
 Your sight therefore, ought to be about the waist- 
 band of his breeches, so that you have the whole 
 length of his body, and his head in the bargain, to 
 come and go upon. It is true, he in the meantime, 
 will take the same advantages of you. He may hit 
 you about the groin, or the belly. I have kno\\Ti 
 some shot in the thigh, or the leg, or the private 
 parts. The throat also, and the head are in them- 
 selves vulnerable. It is no uncommon thing to have 
 an arm broke, or a splinter struck off" the nose, or 
 an eye shot out; but as in that case, the ball mostly 
 
F 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 passes through the brain, and the man being dead 
 at any rate, the loss of sight is not greatly felt. 
 
 As the Captain spoke, Teague seemed to feel in 
 liimself, every wound which was described, the ball 
 hitting him, now in one part, and now iq another. 
 At the last words, it seemed to pass through his 
 head, and he was half dead, in imagination. Mak- 
 ing a shift to express himself, he gave the Captain 
 to understand, that he could by no means undertake 
 the ofhce. Whatl said the Captain; you whom no- 
 thing would serve, some time ago, but to be a legis- 
 lator, or philosopher, or preacher, in order to gain 
 fame, will now detract a business for which you are 
 qualified. This requires no knowledge of finances, 
 no reading of natural history, or any study of the fa- 
 thers. You have nothing more to do than keep a 
 steady hand and a good eye. 
 
 In the early practice of this exercise ; I mean the 
 combat of the duel, it was customary to exact an 
 oath of the combatants, before they entered the lists, 
 that they had no enchantments, or power of witch- 
 craft, about them. Whether you should think it 
 necessary to put him to his voir dire, on this point, 
 I shall not say ; but I am persuaded, that on your 
 part, you have too much honour, to make use of 
 spells, or undue means, to take away his life, or save 
 your own. You will leave all to the chance of fair 
 shooting. One thing you will observe, and which is 
 allowable in this battle ; you will take care not to 
 present yourself to him with a full breast, but angu- 
 larly, and your head turned round over the left 
 shoulder, like a weather-cock. For thus a smaller 
 surface being presented to an adversary, he will be 
 less likely to hit you. You must throw your legs 
 into lines parallel, and keep them one directly be- 
 hind the other. Thus you will stand like a sail 
 G 2 
 
62 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 hauled close to the wind. Keep a good countenance, 
 a sharp eye, and a sour look ; and if you feel any thing 
 like a cholic, or a palpitation of the heart, make no 
 noise about it. If the ball should take you in the 
 gills, or the gizzard, fall down as decently as you 
 can, and die like a man of honour. 
 
 It was of no use to urge the matter ; the Irishman 
 was but the more opposed to the proposition, and ut- 
 terly refused to be after fighting in any such manner. 
 The Captain finding this to be the case, dismissed 
 him to clean his boots and spurs, and rub down his 
 horse in the stable. 
 
r 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 63 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 ON reflection, it seemed adviseable to the Cap- 
 tain to write an answer to the card which Colonel or 
 Major Jacko, or whatever his title may have been, 
 had sent him this morning. It was as follows : 
 
 Sir, 
 
 I have two objections to this duel matter. 
 The one is, lest I should hurt you; and the other is, 
 lest you should hurt me. I do not see any good it 
 would do me to put a bullet through any part of your 
 body. I could make no use of you when dead, for 
 any culinary purpose, as I would a rabbit or a tur- 
 key. I am no cannibal to feed on the flesh of men. 
 Why then shoot down a human creature, of which 
 I could make no use. A buffaloe would be better 
 meat. For though your flesh might be delicate and 
 tender ; yet it wants that firmness and consistency 
 which takes and retains salt. At any rate it would 
 not be fit for long sea voyages. You might make a 
 good barbecue, it is true, being of the nature of a 
 racoon or an opossum ; but people are not in the ha- 
 bit of barbecuing any thing human now. As to your 
 hide, it is not worth the taking off, being little better 
 than that of a year old colt. 
 
64 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 It would seem to me a strancje thing to shoot at a 
 man that would stand still to be shot at ; in as much 
 as I have been heretofore used to shoot at things Hy^ 
 ing, or running, or jumping. Were you on a tree 
 now, like a squirrel, endeavdtiring to hide yourself 
 in the branches, or like a racoon, that after much 
 eyeing and spying I observe at length in the crotch 
 of a tall oak, with boughs and leaves intervening, so 
 that I could just get a sight of his hinder parts, I 
 should think it pleasurable enough to take a shot at 
 you. But as it is, there is no skill or judgment re- 
 quisite either to discover or take you down. 
 
 As to myself, I do not much like to stand in the 
 way of any thing that is harmful. I am under ap- 
 prehensions you might hit me. That being the 
 case, I think it most advisable to stay at a distance. 
 If you want to try your pistols, take some object, a 
 tree or a barn door about my dimensions. If you 
 hit that, send me word, and I shall acknowledge that 
 if I had been in the same place, you might also have 
 hit me. 
 
 J. F. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 65 
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 CONTAINING REFLECTIONS. 
 
 THE Captain was a good man, but unac- 
 jquainted with the world. His ideas were drawn 
 chiefly from what may be called the old school ; the 
 Greek and Roman notions of things. The combat 
 of the duel was to them unknown. Though it seems 
 strange, that a people who were famous for almost 
 all arts and sciences should have remained ignorant 
 of its use. I do not conceive how. as a people, they 
 could exist without it. But so it was, they actually 
 were without the knowledge of it. For we do not 
 ! find any trace of this custom in the poets or histo- 
 I rians of all antiquity. 
 
 I do not know at what period, precisely, the cus- 
 tom was introduced ; or to whom it was owing ; but 
 I omitting this disquisition we content ourselves with 
 ! observing, that it has produced as great an improve- 
 I ment in manners, as the discovery of the load-stone, 
 ! and mariner's compass, has in navigation. Not that 
 , I mean to descant, at full length, on the valuable ef- 
 ( '^ fects of it ; but simply to observe, that it is a greater 
 jh aid to government than the alliance of church and 
 • state itself. If Dr. Warburton had had leisure? I 
 
66 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 could wish he had written a treatise upon it. Some 
 affect to ridicule it, as carrying to a greater length 
 small differences, than the aggravation may justify. 
 As for instance, a man is angry enough with you to 
 give you a slap in the face ; but the custom says, 
 he must shoot you through the head. I think the 
 smaller the aggravation, the nicer the sense of ho- 
 nour. The heaviest minrl will resent a gross affront ; 
 but to kill a man where there is no affront at all, 
 shews a great sensibility. It is immaterial whether 
 there is or is not an injury, provided the world thinks 
 there is ; for it is the opinion of mankind we are to 
 consult. It is a duty which we owe them to provide 
 for their amusement. A^on nasscimur nobis ipais ; 
 we are not born for ourselves, but for others. Deco- 
 rum firo fiatria mori; it is a becoming thing to die 
 for one's country ; and shall it not also be accounted 
 honourable to throw one's life a\ray for the enter- 
 tainment of a few particular neighbours and ac- 
 quaintances. It is true, the tears that will be shed 
 upon your grave, will not make the grass grow ; but 
 you will have the consolation, when you leave the 
 world, to have fallen in the bed of honour. 
 
 It is certainly a very noble institution, that of the 
 duel ; and it has been carried to very great perfec- 
 tion, in some respects. Nevertheless, I would sub- 
 mit it to the public, vvhether still further improve- 
 ment might not be made in the lav/s and regulations 
 of it. For instance, could it not be reduced nearer 
 to an equality of chances, by proportioning the cr.- 
 liber, or bore of the pistol; the length of the barrel, 
 also, to the size of the duellist who holds it; or by 
 fixing the ratio of distance in proportion to the bulk 
 of combatants. To explain myself; When I am to 
 fight a man of a small size, I ou-ht to have a longer 
 pistol than my adversary j because my mark is small- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 67 
 
 er ; or I ougbt to be permitted to come nearer to him. 
 For it is altogether unfair that men of unequal bulk 
 should fire at equal distances, and with equal cali- 
 bers. The smaller size multiplied by the larger 
 space, or larger pistol, would equal the larger size 
 multiplied by the smaller space or smaller pistol.... 
 If this amendment of the duel laws should be ap- 
 proved by men of honour, let it be added to the 
 code. 
 
ll 
 
 68 MODERN CIHVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 NOT long after this, being at a certain place, 
 the Captain was accosted by a stranger in the follow- 
 ing manner : Captain, said he, I have heard of a 
 young man in your service who talks Irish. Now, 
 Sir, my business is that of an Indian treaty-maker; 
 and am on my way with a party of kings, and half-kings 
 to the commissioners, to hold a treaty. My king of 
 the Kickapoos, who was a Welch blacksmith, took 
 sick by the way, and is dead: I have heard of this 
 lad of yours, and could wish to have him a while to 
 supply his place. The treaty will not last longer 
 than a couple of weeks; and as the government will 
 probably allow three or four thousand dollars for the 
 treaty, it will be in our power to make it worth your 
 while, to spare him for that time. Your king of the 
 Kickapoos, said the Captain; what does that mean? 
 Said the stranger. It is just this: you have heard of 
 the Indian nations to the westward, that occasionally 
 make war upon the frontier settlements. It has been 
 a policy of government, to treat with these, and dis- 
 tribute goods. Commissioners are appointed for 
 that purpose. Now you are not to suppose that it 
 is always an easy matter to catch a real chief, and 
 bring him from the woods; or if at some expence 
 
MODERN" CHIVALRY. &9 
 
 one was brought, the goods would go to his use ; 
 whereas, it is much more profitable to hire substi- 
 tutes and make chiefs of our own: And as some un- 
 known gibberish is necessary, to pass for an Indian 
 language, we generally make use of Welch, or Low 
 Dutch, or Irish ; or pick up an ingenious fellow here 
 and there, who can imitate a language by sounds of 
 his own, in his mouth, and throat. But we prefer 
 one who can speak a real tongue, and give more for 
 him. We c?jmot ailbrd you a great deal at this 
 time for the use of your man; because it is not a 
 general treaty where 20,000, or 30,000 dollars are 
 appropriated for the purpose of holding it ; but an 
 occasional, or what we call a running treaty, by way 
 of brightening the chain, and holding fast friendship. 
 The commissioners will doubtless be glad to see us, 
 and procure from, government an allowance for the 
 treaty. For the more treaties, the more use for com- 
 missioners. The business must be kept up, and trea- 
 ties made if there are none of themselves. My Pi- 
 anksha, and Choctaw chiefs, are very good fcllov/s; 
 the one of them a Scotch pedlar that talks the Else; 
 the other has been some tim.e in Canada, and has a 
 little broken Indian, God knows what language ; but 
 has been of great service in assisting to teach the 
 rest some Indian custom and manners. I have had 
 the whole of them for a fortnight past under my tui- 
 tion, teaching them war songs and dances, and to 
 make responses at the treaty. If your man is tract- 
 able, I can make him a Kickapoo in about nine day/s. 
 A breech-clout and leggins, that I took off the black- 
 smith that died, I have ready to put on him. He must 
 have part of his head shaved, and painted, with fea- 
 thers on his crown; but the paint will rub off, and the 
 hair grow in a short time, so that he can go about 
 with you agam. 
 
 YOL. I. H 
 
70 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 It is a very strange affair, said the Captain. Is it 
 possible that such deception can be practised in a 
 new country. It astonishes me, that the government 
 does not detect such imposition. The government, 
 said the Indian treaty-man, is at a great distance. It 
 knows no more of Indians than a cow does of Greek. 
 The legislature, hears of wars and rumours of wars, 
 and supports the executive in forming treaties.... 
 How is it posssible for men who live remote from 
 the scene of action, to hare adequate ideas of the na- 
 ture of Indians, or the transactions that are carried 
 on in their behalf? Do you think the one half of 
 ihose savages that come to treat, are real represen- 
 tatives of the nation ? Many of them are not savages 
 at all ; but weavers, and pedlars, as I have told you, 
 picked up to make kings and chiefs. I speak of those 
 particularly that come trading down to inland towns, 
 or the metropolis. I would not communicate these 
 mysteries of our trade, were it not that I confide in 
 your good sense, and have occasion for your servant. 
 
 It is a mystery of iniquity, said the Captain. Do 
 you suppose that I would countenance such a fraud 
 upon the public? I do not know, said the other; it is 
 a very common thing for men to speculate, now a- 
 days. If you will not, another will. A hundred dol- 
 lars might as well be in your pocket as another man's. 
 I will give you that for the use of your sen^ant, for 
 a week or two, and say no more about it. It is an 
 idea new to me entirely, said the Captain, that In- 
 AVian princes, whom I have seen escorted down as 
 such, were no more than trumpery, disguised, as you 
 mention; that such should be introduced to polite 
 assemblies, and have the honour to salute the fair 
 ladies with a kiss, the greatest beauties thinking 
 themselves honoured by having the salution of a so- 
 vereign? It is so, said the other ; I had a red headed 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. Th 
 
 bricklayer once, whom I passed for a Chippav/aw ; 
 and who has dined with clubs, and sat next the Pre- 
 sident. He was blind of an eye, and was called 
 blind Sam by the traders. I had given it out that 
 he was a great warrior, and ha.d lost his eye by an 
 arrow, in a contest with a rivgil nation. These things 
 are now reduced to a system ; and it is so v/cll known 
 to those wiio are engaged in the trainc, that we think 
 nothing of it. 
 
 Hov\^ the devil, said the Captain, do you get 
 speeches made, and interpret them so as to pass for 
 truth. That is an easy matter, said the other; In- 
 dian speeches are nearly all alike. You have only to 
 talk of burying hatches under large trees, kindling 
 fires, brightening chains ; with a demand, at the lat- 
 ter end, of blankets for the backside, and rum to get 
 drunk with. 
 
 I much doubt, -said the Captain, whether treaties 
 that are carried on in earnest, are of any great use. 
 Of none at all, said the other; especially as the prac- 
 tice of giving goods prevails ; because this is an in- 
 ducement to a fresh v/ar. This being the case, it 
 can be no harm to make a farce of the whole mat- 
 ter; or rather a profit of it; by such means as I pro- 
 pose to you, and have pursued myself. 
 
 After all, said the Captain, I cannot but consider 
 it as a kind of contraband and illicit traffic; and I 
 must be excused from having any hand in it, I shall 
 not betray your secret, but I shall not favour it. It 
 would ill become me, whose object in riding about 
 in this manner, is to give just ideas on subjects, to 
 -take part in such ill-gotten gain. 
 
 The Indian treaty-man finding it in vain to say 
 -more, withdrew. 
 
rs MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER Vn, 
 
 THE Captain apprehe'nding that he might" 
 not yet drop his designs upon the Irishman, but be 
 tampering with him out of doors, should he come 
 across him, sent for Teague. For he well knew, 
 that should the Indian treaty -man get the first word 
 of him, the idea of making him a king, would turn 
 his head, and it would be impossible to prevent his 
 going with him. 
 
 Teague coming in, said the Captain to him; 
 Teague, I have discovered in you, for some time 
 past, a great spirit of ambition, which is, doubtless, 
 -commendable in a young person ; and I have check- 
 ed it only in cases v/here there was real danger, or 
 apparent mischief. There is now an opportunity of 
 advancing yourself, not so much in the way of honour 
 as profit. But profit brings honour, and is, indeed, 
 the most substantial support of it. There has been 
 a man here witli me, that carries on a trade with the 
 Indians, and tells me that red-headed scalps are in 
 great demand with them. If you could spare yours, 
 he Avould give a good price for it. I do not well 
 knov,' what use they make of this article, but so it is, 
 the traders find their account in it. Probably they 
 dj-ess it with the hairy side out, and make tobacco- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 7i 
 
 , ouches for the chiefs, when they meet in council. 
 ■ i saves dyeing, and besides, the natural red hair of 
 :a man, may, in their estimation, be superior to any 
 colour they can give by art. The taking off the 
 . scalp will not give much pain, it is so dextrously 
 done by them with a crooked knife they have for 
 that purpose. The mode of taking oif the scalp is 
 this ; you lie down upon your back ; a warrior puts 
 his feet upon your shoulders, collects your hair fn 
 his left hand, and drawing a circle v/ith the knife i.'^ 
 his right, makes the incision, and, with a sudde?- 
 pull, separates it from the head, giving, in the mean 
 time, what is called the scalp yell. The thing 
 is done in such an instant, that the pain is scarcely 
 felt. He offered me an hundred dollars, if I would 
 have it taken off for his use, giving me directions, 
 in the mean time, how to stretch it and dry it on a 
 hoop. I told him. No; it was a perquisite of your 
 •own, and you might dispose of it as you thought 
 proper. If you choose to dispose of it, I had no ^ob- 
 jections ; but the bargain should be of your own 
 making, and the price such as should please your- 
 self. I have sent for you, to give you a hint of this 
 chapman, that you may have a knowledge of his wish 
 to possess the property, and ask accordingly. It is 
 probable you may bring him up to a half Johannes 
 more, by holding out a little. But I do not think it 
 would be adviseable to lose the bargain. An hundred 
 dollars for a little hairy flesh, is a great deal. You 
 will trot a long time before you make that with me. 
 He will be with you probably to propose the pur- 
 chase. You will know when you see him. He is a 
 tall looking man, with leggins on, and has several 
 -Indians with him going to a treaty. He talked to 
 me something of makiny: you a king of the Kicka.- 
 ^oos, after the scalp is off; but I would not count-pa 
 
74 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 that so much ; because words are but wind, and pro- 
 mises are easily broken. I would advise you to 
 make sure of the money in the first place, and take 
 chance for the rest. 
 
 I have seen amon.:^ the prints of Hogarth, some 
 such expression of countenance -as that of Teague at 
 this instant ; who, as soon as he could speak-, but with 
 a double brogue on his tongue, began to intimate his 
 disinclination to the traffic. The hair of his scalp 
 itself, in the mean time had risen in opposition to it. 
 Dear master? vid you trow me into ridicule, and the 
 blessed shalvation of my lifc, and all dat I have in 
 the vorld: to be trown like a dog tode savages, and 
 have my flesh tarn of my head to give to dese vild 
 bastes to make a napsack to carry their parates and 
 tings in, for an hunched dollars or the like. It shall 
 never be said that the hair of the Oregans made 
 maclieseens for a vild Indian to trat upon. I would 
 sooner trow my own head, hair, and all in de fire, 
 dan give it to dese paple to smoke vnd, out of deir 
 long pipes. 
 
 II this be your determination, said the Captain, it 
 ^vill behove you to keep yourself somewhat close ; 
 and while vre remain at this public house, avoid any 
 conversation with the chapman or his agents, should 
 they come to tamper with you. For it is not impro- 
 bable, while they are keeping you in talk, proposing 
 to make you a Kickapoo chief, and tne like, they 
 TOiay snatch the scalp off your head, and you not be 
 the wiser for it. 
 
 Teague thought the caution pood, and resolving 
 to abide by it, retired to the kitchen. The maid at 
 this time, happening to want a log of wood, request- 
 ed Teague to cut it for her. Taking the ax accord- 
 ingly, and going out, he was busy chopping, with his 
 Jiead do\vn; while, in the mean time, the Indian 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. '7s 
 
 treaty-man had returned with one in Indian dress, 
 •who was the chief of the Killinoos, or at least passed 
 for such ; and whom he brought as having some re- 
 cruiting talents, and miv;ht -prevail with Teague to 
 elope, and join the company. I presume, said the 
 Indian treaty-man, you are the waiter of the Captain 
 who lodges here at present. Teague hearing a man 
 speak, and lifting up his head, saw the leggins on 
 the one, and the Indian dress on the other ; and with 
 a kind of involuntary effort, threw the ax directly 
 from him at the Kiliinno. It missed him but about 
 an inch, and fell behind. Teague, in the mean time, 
 raising a shout of desperation, was fixed on the spot, 
 and his locomotive faculties suspended ; so that he 
 could neither retreat nor advance, but stood still, like 
 one enchained or enchanted for a moment; the king 
 .of the Killinoos, in the mean tim.e, dravring his to- 
 mahawk, and preparing for battle. 
 
 The Captain, who was reading at a front window, 
 hearing the shout, looked about, and saw what was 
 going on at the wood-pile. Stop villain, said Ke, to 
 the king of the Killinoos ; you are not to take that 
 scalp yet, however much you may value it. He will 
 not take an hundred dollars for it, nor 500, though 
 you make him kin;^ of the Kickapoos, or any thing 
 else. It is no trifling matter to have the ears slit in 
 tatters, and the nose run through with a bodkin, and 
 a goose quill stuck across ; so that you may go about 
 your business ; you will get no king of the Kicka- 
 poos here. Under cover of this address of the Cap- 
 tain, Teague had retired to the kitchen, and ensconc- 
 ed himself behind the rampart of the m^aid. The 
 Indian treaty-man, and the KilUnoo chief, finding the 
 measure hopeless, withdrew, and turned their atten- 
 tion, it is to be supposed, to some other quarter, to 
 find a king of the Kickapoos. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 
 CHAPTER VHI. 
 
 CONTAINING OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 THE Captain was certainly to be commended 
 in declining to countenance the imposition of mak- 
 ing Teague a Kickapoo chief. Ilad he been dis- 
 posed to adventure in a contraband trade of this kind, 
 he might have undertaken it as a principal, and not 
 as furnishing an assistant only. He could have pass- 
 ed Teague for a chief, and himself for an interpre- 
 ter. He might pretend to have conducted this prince- 
 from a very distant nation, and that he had been se- 
 veral moons in travelling, and wanted, the Lord 
 knows how much, goods for his people, that othei^ 
 wise would come to war. By this means the Cap- 
 tain v/ould have taken the whole emolument of the 
 treaty, and not have been put off with a small share 
 of the profit which another made by it. 
 
 I should like to have set^n Teague in an Indian 
 dress, come to treat with the commissioners. It 
 would be necessary for him only to talk Irish, which 
 he mi^ht pass for the Shawanese, or other language. 
 The Captain could have interpreted in the iisua] 
 words on these occasions. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 77 
 
 The policy of treating with the Indians is very 
 good; because it takes off a great deal of loose mer- 
 chandize, that might otherwise lie upon our hands, 
 and cuts away superfluities from the finances of the 
 government ; at the same time, as every fresh treaty 
 lays the foundation of a new war, it will serve to 
 check the too rapid grov/th of the settlements. The 
 extremities of a government, like the arm or ancle 
 of an individual, are the parts at which blood is to 
 be let. 
 
 Struck with the good effects of treating with the 
 savages, and that our wise men who conduct affairs, 
 pursue the policy I have been led to wonder, that 
 the a;;ricultural societies, have not proposed treaties 
 with the wolves and bears, that they might not clan- 
 destinely invade our sheep and pig folds. This mi;^ht 
 be done by sending messages to the several ursine 
 and vulpine nations, and calling them to a council- 
 fire, to which four or five hundred waggon load of 
 beef should be sent, and distributed- If it should be 
 said, that this would restrain them no longer from 
 their prey than while they continued to be satiated, 
 the same might be said of the Potawatamies, or other 
 Indian nations; and yet v/e see that those at the 
 head of our affairs think it prudent to negociate with 
 them. 
 
 A bear and wolf treaty might seem an odd thing 
 at first, but we should soon come to be accustomed 
 to it. I should be sorry abuses should prevail, by 
 treaty-making men passing rough water-dogs for 
 bears, or mastiffs for wolves, upon our secretaries at 
 war, or subordinate commissioners ; which might be 
 done as in the case of the savages where it is pre- 
 tended that some tribes had not been at the general 
 treaty, nov/ sends a chief to represent them and t© 
 get goods. 
 
"7^ MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 
 If our traders go amongst the wolves in conse- 
 quence of a treaty, I could wish they could check 
 themselves in the introduction of spirituous liquors. 
 A drunk wolf, or bear, would be a dangerous animal. 
 It may be thought that a bear of wolf chief would not 
 get drunk, as it would be setting a bad example to 
 their people; but I have seen Indian kings lying on 
 the earth drunk, and exposing their nakedness, like 
 Noah to Shem, Ham, and Japheth; and if Indians, 
 that are a sort of human creatures, act thus, what 
 Ufiight we not expect from a poor brute v/olf or bear \ 
 
 If treaties with the wolves and bears should be 
 found to succeed it might not be amiss to institute 
 them also with the foxes. This is a sagacious ani- 
 naal, and destructive to ducks and other fowls. It 
 would be a great matter to settle a treaty with them, 
 v.'hich might be done at the expence ol nine or ten 
 thousand dollars laid out in goods. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 MEANING to remain some time in a certain 
 town to which he came, the Captain had his horse 
 pnt out to pasture, and took private lodgings. The 
 first day at dinner, he was struck with, the appear- 
 ance of a young* man who sat at table, but could not 
 be said to dine with them ; for except a little water 
 and a bit of bread, he ate or drank nothing ; and 
 though sometimes addressed, he made no answer. 
 There was a settled melancholy in his countenance, 
 and he often sighed deeply. He had been in this 
 house six weeks, and had behaved imiformly in the 
 same manner. In the evening he would walk by 
 himself till midnight. Whence he came, or what 
 was his object, no one knew. He had bespoke a 
 ^back room, and wished to have one where there was 
 but little light; also, that a little water, and a bit of 
 bread might be sent when he should require it. The 
 landlady not chusing to have a person in the house 
 who was unwilling to be seen, declined the circum- 
 stance of sending in provisions to his room ; but 
 thought it proper he should come to table. He did 
 so ; but entered into no conversation, though much 
 pains was taken to engage him. He had paid his 
 boarding regularly, and did not seem to be in want 
 
80 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 of money. Tliis "was the account given by tlie fami- 
 ly, when the young man retired from dinner. 
 
 The Captain's curiosity was much excited ; for 
 being a philanthropic man, he found himself inte- 
 rested in the history of this person. Taking an op- 
 portunity that very evening, when the young man 
 was walking in the back porch, he joined him, and 
 with the bluntness of a plain man, accosted him>... 
 Sir, said he, it is from no motive of vain curiosity, 
 that I thus address you. It is from a disposition to 
 know and alleviate your griefs. For it is evident to 
 me that something hangs heavy on your mind. I 
 am a man, as you see^ advanced in life, and have 
 had some experience. It is possible it may be in 
 my power to say or do something that may serve 
 you; at least it is my disposition to soothe your me- 
 lancholy. If it should be an unfortunate murder, 
 the guilt of which lies upon your mind, you will find 
 no accuser in m.e ; I shall preserve a secret obtained 
 in this manner. Probably it may have been a duel, 
 and with such alleviating circumstances, that though 
 the law would take hold of it, humanity will excuse. 
 
 The young man finding the charge of murder, or 
 suspicion of it, ready to be fixed upon him, spoke. 
 Said he, I am no murderer, but a murdered man 
 myself. I am in love with a young woman of the 
 most celestial beauty, but of a cruel heart. 
 
 The beauty may be more in your brain than in 
 her face, said the Captain ; for, as the poet says> 
 
 '' " The Lunatic, the Lover, and the Poet, 
 " Are of imagination all compact ; 
 *• One sees more devils than vast hell can hold; 
 " That is the madman; The other, all as frantic, 
 " Sees Helen's beauty in a brow of Egypt." 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. «*l 
 
 I am not unacquainted whh the nature cf this pas- 
 sion; and have seen a gypsey myself, in my time, 
 that has had dominion over me. Perhaps I may 
 have been carried to as much extravagance as other 
 people ; and therefore am a proper person to advise 
 against it. A principal source of my extravagance, 
 was an opinion that the jade who had hold of my af- 
 fections at the time, would pity me when she heard 
 of the pain which her beauty gave me ; that she 
 would be afraid I would hang myself for her sake ; 
 that she would come to sooth and caress me, in or- 
 der to prevent it. P'ar from it. My uneasiness was 
 the proof of her power to wound ; and the more dis- 
 tress I felt, the greater credit to her beauty. She 
 would not have lost a sigh which she caused me for 
 any consideration. My lamentations were as agree- 
 able to her, as the groans of the damned are to the 
 devil. And so it must be with every woman ; be- 
 cause self love induces it. Hanging is the last thing 
 they would be at. If they could get the lover bro't 
 to this, they are then at the height of fame. It falls 
 but to the lot of one here and there to have a man 
 drown himself for her; and when it does happen, it 
 makes such a noise that all covet it. 
 
 I would venture to say, that this female whom 
 you fast and pray about so much, would be very 
 unwilling to breathe the soul into you, were it once 
 out. Instead of fasting, she is eating; and while 
 you sigh in the night, she snores. 
 
 You have an idea, perhaps, that you may bend 
 her by your perseverance. That is a mistake. A 
 man that once comes to this state of sighing, and 
 dying, has but little chance ; because he has surren- 
 dered himself; and there is nothing more to be won. 
 Were there any possibiHty of succeeding, it would 
 be by first conquering yourself; dismissing all idea. 
 
 VOL.1. I 
 
^?)f:^^ 
 
 82 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 of her partiality for you ; for it is owing to this se 
 cret vanity, and self flattery, that you still pursue. 
 Absolute despair is the first step towards the cure 
 of love. It is either drowning or curing, with you 
 at present. As you have not drowned yourself, you 
 are in a fair way to be cured. 
 
 I know very well how you missed the matter with 
 this liussy. You appear to be a young man of great 
 sensibility of feeling ; and I presume made your ad- 
 dresses with great refinement of thought and man- 
 ners. You talked to her of flames and darts, and 
 flowers and roses ; read poetry in the mean time, 
 and thought a great deal of Phillis, and Amaryllis; 
 and entertained her with names and incidents in ro- 
 mances, and sung and recited soft love songs of 
 Amanda, and Phebe, and Colin ; whereas your way 
 was to have talked careless nonsense, and sung such 
 songs as Pady Kelly, and Tristram Shandy-O ; and 
 told her stories of girls that had ran off with pedlars, 
 or gone a campaigning with the soldiers. These 
 ideas are light and frolicsome, and co-natural to 
 springing love. Hence it is that men of but loose 
 and irregular education, succeed better with the fair 
 than scholars that are learned in the classics. 
 
 But to bring the matter to a point, the true way 
 is to get another mistress; and profit by your expe- 
 rience with the first. No more of sighing and dy- 
 ing in the case; but singing, and laughing, and 
 jumping like a young fox. Hint a little with respect 
 to certain matters that are between the sexes ; but 
 let it be done in so delicate a manner, that, though 
 she understands you, she is not obliged to do it. 
 What I mean, is to make her think you would ra- 
 ther debauch her than marry her. Bring her to 
 this suspicion, and I warrant you. Her Avhole study 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 83 
 
 will be to entrap you into matrimony. For it is na- 
 tural for the human mind, when it ob^^erves a great 
 sjcunty and confidence in another, to imagine there 
 must be some ground for it. It will argue a consci- 
 ousness, on your part, of having a good or better in 
 your power. It will impress her with the same idea ; 
 and imagination governs the world. 
 
 When the mind is bent upon any object, it is re- 
 lieved by the conversation of thrse who understand 
 it; and, as it were, dissolve with them in the same 
 ideas. The young man was pleased with the con- 
 versation ofthe Captain, and seemed cheered; agreed 
 to join the family, and be sociable. By degrees he 
 became so; and what by the conversation of the 
 Captain, sometimes explaining and sometimes ridi- 
 culing the passion of love ; and the young ladies of 
 the family, in the mean time, rallying him on his 
 weakness, he came a little to his senses, (for love is a 
 phrenzy), and began to behave like a common man. 
 For it having come out now, that love was the cause 
 of his distress and singularity of conduct, some pitied 
 him, and others rallied it with good humour and 
 philanthrophy. It had, however, become the gene- 
 ral topic in the family, and was carried down to the 
 kitchen among the servants. 
 
 Teague hearing of it, took it into his head that he 
 must be in love too; and counterfeiting a demure 
 look, and absence of mind, and v,'alking by himself, 
 and living on spare diet, as he had heard the young 
 man that was in love did, he wished to have it under- 
 stood that his mind was under the dominion of the 
 same passion. This being observed, was represent- 
 ed to the Captain ; who being at a loss to know what 
 was the matter, called Teague, and began to interro- 
 gate him. The bog-trotter, with some seeming re- 
 luctance, acknowled,^ed that it v/as love. You in 
 
£4 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 love, said the Captain, ycAi great bear; with whomj 
 are you in love ? That dear cratur, said the IrishmanjI 
 thai has the black hair, and the fair face, and hei 
 name is Mrs. Sally, in the house there. She is 
 fair as the wool or the snow, and gives me the cho- 
 lic, and the heart-burn, every time I look at her fair 
 eyes; God save her soul frcm damnation, bull love 
 her as I do the very food that I ate, or the clothes 
 that 1 v/are upon my back. 
 
 It appeal ed to be Miss Sally, a very pretty girl, 
 the eldest daughter of the landlady ; who, by the bye, 
 I mean the ladlady, was a widow, and had two daugh- 
 ters and a niece with her; the handsomest of whom 
 was this Miss Sally, v.'ith whom Teague had be- 
 come enamoured. For simple and ignorant nature 
 w ill fasten en beauty, as well as the most instructed 
 in the principles of taste. 
 
 7"he Captain having been a good deal troubled, 
 heretofore, with the pretensions of this valet, in 
 wishing to be a mem.ber of the legislature, a phiic- 
 sopiier, a preacher, and now a lover, thought he had 
 r:ow a good oppoi tunity cf repressing his presumption 
 for the future. There was a young man, a brother 
 in the family, who hcid been some tim^e in the ser- 
 vice, as a licutencnt, and had leave cf absence at 
 this time, on a visit to his mother and sisters. The 
 Captiin well knev>', that being in the pride and heat 
 of youth, he v/ould consider Teague's advances to 
 his sister as an insult on the family, and chastise him 
 accordingly, With this view, counterfeiting every 
 possiJ^le disposition to serve the bog-trotter, the Cap- 
 tain recommended to him to make a confident of the 
 brother, and endeavour to gain his interest with the 
 sister. 
 
 Accordingly, one m.oming when the officer was 
 j',:. i'is cham.btr, Teague made his approach; and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 8^ 
 
 composing his woe-begone countenance as well as 
 he could, and explaining the cause of it, solicited his 
 interest with the lady. 
 
 There was a whip in a corner of the room, with 
 which the lieutenant had been riding ; seizing this 
 hastily, he made an attack upon the person of the 
 lover, in a manner far beyond what was decent or 
 moderate. The valet retreating with considerable 
 outcrieS; made complaint to the Captain ; who gave 
 him to understand, that as this outrage was commit- 
 ted by his intended brother-in-law, it must be con- 
 sidered in the nature of a family quarrel, and he 
 could not interfere. 
 
 The advances of Teague became the subject of 
 conversation in the family, and of much mirth and 
 laughter. The young man who had been in the 
 state of melancholy before described, and had been 
 cheered a little, was now in a great degree cured by 
 the imitation of the valet. For ridicule is more a 
 cure for love than reason » It is better to make the 
 patient laugh than think. 
 
 Having now a disposition to pursue his travels, 
 the Captain sent for his horse, and set out. 
 
 i2 
 
r^m-' 
 
 #6 MODEIIN^ CHR^ALR { . 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 CONTAINING OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 THE observations which we make when the 
 narration of the fact is ended, are something like the 
 sentiments delivered in the chorus in the ancient plays, 
 a kind of moral on what was said ; or like the moral 
 as it is called to a fable. In this view therefore, we 
 shall endeavour to say something. 
 
 The young man that we have seen so deeply in 
 love, was of a handsome personal appearance, and 
 of an eye and physiognomy that indicated sensibility 
 and understanding ; and yet it is probable the female 
 of whom he was so much enamoured, may have been 
 both homely, and destitute of good mental qualities. 
 Whence could a repulse in this case happen. From 
 a thousand causes. We Avill specify some of them. 
 The very circumstance of his being beyond her first 
 hopes, may have put him beyond her last wishes.... 
 A female wooed by a man her superior, may be led 
 io think she has still a chance for better; and that 
 there must be diamonds in her hair, or some hidden 
 advantage on her part, of which she was herself ig- 
 norant ; otherwise such advances would not be made 
 to her ; or she may apprehend some defect on the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 87 
 
 part of the lover, of which he is conscious ; other- 
 wise, he would not stoop beneath his natural expec- 
 tations. 
 
 It is possible the Amanda may not have been of 
 the same class and quality with himself. This would 
 of itself account for the repulse. Should the eagle 
 come from the firmament, and make his advances to 
 the pheasant, he would find himself unsuccessful; 
 for the brown bird would prefer a lover of her own 
 species ; or, should the rein-deer, which is a most' 
 beautiful creature, woo a frog, the croaking animal 
 would recede into the marsh, and solace itself with 
 a paramour of its own chusing. When, therefore, 
 unexperienced young persons place their affections 
 on an object and do not find a suitable return, they 
 ought to save their pride, and make the inference, 
 that they had descended from their element, and 
 •fastened on an animal umvorthy of their notice. 
 
 These observations, in addition to those made by 
 the Captain to the young man, may be of use to unfor- 
 tunate lovers; and if so, it will be a recompence for 
 the trouble we have given ourselves in making them. 
 
«8 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 IT was about an hour before sunset, that the 
 Captain fell in company with one who had the Cin- 
 cinnati eagle at his breast, and riding- on together, 
 put up at an inn« 
 
 The landlady and the servants, having never seen 
 the badge before, were a good deal struck with the 
 effigy of the eagle, and the ribbon at which it was 
 pendant. Interrogating Teague, who had come in 
 company, and whom they took to be a common ser- 
 vant to both, or at least acquainted with the afi'airs of 
 either, what was the meaning of that bird, or what 
 bird it was, that the gentleman had at his breast?.... 
 Teague knew as little about it as they did ; but un- 
 willing to be thought ignorant, took upon him to in- 
 form them. It is, said he, a goose ; and the maining 
 is, that the shentleman would ate a goose, if your 
 anouers would get one roasted this avening, for his 
 anour to ate with the Captain, who is my master ; for 
 we have ate nothing all day long, and a roasted goose, 
 with a shoulder of mutton, a pace of poark, and bafe 
 and cabbage, and the like, would be a very good slake 
 for a fasting stomach. So, God save your soul, dear 
 honey, and make haste, and get a goose knocked 
 down and put to the fire, to keep their anours from 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 89 
 
 starving, and to go to bed in a good humour, when 
 they have drank a cup of ale or a mug of cyder after 
 the goose ; and, bless your soul, dear honey, let it be 
 a good large fat goose, that there may be a rib or a 
 wing left, that a poor sarvant may have something 
 I to ate, at the same time. The shentleman was very 
 i right to hold out a token, like the sign of a tavern- 
 keeper, with a goose, or a pigeon, or a turkey, that 
 I paple may know what he wants, and not be after the 
 trouble of asking whether he would chuse roast bafe 
 and parates, or pork and parsnips, may it plase your 
 
 our. 
 
 The landlady was a good deal distressed, having 
 no goose about the house. But sending out to her 
 neighbours, she made shift to collect a couple of 
 ducks, which Teai<ue acknowledged would be a very 
 good substitute. Supper being ordered, these were 
 served up, with an apolog;y from the landlady^ that 
 she had not been able to procure a goose ; which she 
 hoped the gentleman with the ribbon w^ouid excuse, 
 as she was informed that a roasted goose was so 
 much to his taste. A roasted goose to my taste', 
 said the officer; what reason have you to think that a 
 roasted goose is so much my choice ? Surely madam 
 you cannot mean wit, or to insinuate that I myself 
 am a goose ? for one animal preys not upon another; 
 the maxim is, dog will not eat dog. I cannot there- 
 fore be a goose if I eat one. 
 
 Here the landlady explained her meaning, giving 
 the information she had received from the servant.... 
 The Captain wa.s greatly irritated, and would have 
 called him in and chastised him instantly had not 
 the officer interfered ; declaring that though it was 
 an eagle, not a goose that he wore at bis breast, yet 
 he was not dissatisfied at the mistake, in as much as 
 
90 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 it had brought a couple of good ducks to the table, 
 a fowl of which he was particularly fond. 
 
 This incident, in it'ielf laughable, led the officer to 
 relate the trouble he had had with a clergyman who 
 had made a worse mistake than this, taking the eagle 
 for a graven image, contrary to the injunction of the 
 decalogue which prohibits the making any such re- 
 presentation for the purpose of worship, as he al- 
 ledged this to be. In answer to the clergyman, he 
 had aliedged the improbability that he wiio had been 
 in the service so many years, at a distance from 
 church, or church worship, except when a deistical 
 chaplain came in the way, should think so much of 
 religion, as to have any worship at all ; much less to 
 have become superstitious, and to wear an image at 
 his bosom. The truth was, that he worshipped any 
 god, true or false, very little ; nt least, said few or no 
 prayers, on such occasions ; and was very far from 
 being an idolater, and paying adoration to a gold or 
 silver image; that this was nothing more than a 
 hieroglyphic, being the effigies of a bald eagle, which 
 is a native of America, and designates the cause for 
 v/hich her soldiery had fought; in the same manner 
 as the eagle was the standard of the Roman legion ; 
 or the lion and the unicorn are the arms of England, 
 or the thistle that of Scotland ; that the emblem of 
 the American bald eagle had, on these principles, 
 been chosen by the Cincinnati for their badge ; of 
 which society he was a member, and wore this de- 
 vice, not venerating it as the image of any bird or 
 beast whatsoever. 
 
 The clergyman admitted that, in strictness, this 
 symbol might not be a graven image, as the term 
 v/ould intend engraving on wood or metal, v, ith the 
 point of an instrument ; and under this mental reser- 
 vation, the wearer might save himself in saying that 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 91 
 
 it Was not a graven image : but it was at least a mol- 
 ten one, which comes within the meanin,^ of the pro- 
 hibition; being- the representation of a fowl, and 
 doubtless for the purpose of idolatry. For M^hat else 
 could be the use or meaning of it. It was not a 
 common broach, used as a ligament to the shirt or 
 coat ; and it was unworthy of a man to suppose it 
 could be worn merely for ornament ; boys and petit 
 maitres delighting in these things, but no one else. 
 It could not be any sort of time-piece, worn for the 
 purpose of ascertaining distance. In fact, it was the 
 portrait of a bird, the signal of some heathen deity ; 
 as the cock was sacred to Escuhipius, the owl to 
 Minerva, the peacock to Juno, and the dove to Venus. 
 The eagle was sacred to Jupiter; and it was most 
 probable, that it was in honour of this false god, that 
 the image was worn. 
 
 It answered no end to reason with the ecclesiastic ; 
 for he grew but the more enraged, and insisted that 
 it was an idol ; shewing from some texts of scrip- 
 ture, that in the last times idolaters were to spring 
 up ; and that this society, which tlie Cincinnati insti- 
 tuted, might be the Gog and Magog spoken of in 
 the Apocalypse. 
 
 Said the Captain, It was natural enough for the 
 clergyman to ma^e this deduction ; as in m.aintain- 
 ing the cause of truth against Pagans, he is led to 
 dwell much on the subject of idolatry. But for my 
 part, the principal objection that lies with me, against 
 your institution, is that which lies against all partial 
 institutions, whatsoever ; they cut men from the com- 
 mon mass, and alienate their afiections from the 
 whole, concentring their attachments to a particular 
 point and interest. A circumstance of this kind is 
 unfavourable to general philanthropy, giving a tem- 
 porary and artificial credit to those who are of the 
 
92 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 body, amongst themselves ; so that while some lend 
 character, others borrow ; and the individuals do not 
 stand on the natural basis of their own merit. On 
 this principle, I do not much approve of clubs and 
 societies, unless in the case of some humane or cha- 
 ritable institution ; or for the purpose of carrying on 
 some beneficial work or improvement. I do not 
 know that in your convening annually together, you 
 have any object in view of this nature. I have not 
 heard of any bridges you have built, or canals dug, 
 or locks made for tlie purpose of facilitating naviga- 
 tion. I dot see of what use your institution is ; un- 
 less it be, that your pronouncing an oration now and 
 then, may be favourable to eloquence. But of this 
 I much doubt, as such abstract discourses usually 
 degenerate into common-place. The great objec 
 of an orator is, to persuade the judgment, or affed 
 the passions. In this case, the judgment is alreadj 
 persuaded, affections already gained. Having there- 
 fore, no object, what exertion can the mind make ?.. 
 Be the cause what it may, certain it is that suet 
 compositions are seldom or ever found to be modeli 
 of eloquence ; more especially where the subject if 
 of an extensive nature, as the revolution of America 
 and the struggles of its heroes. For here so wide i 
 canvass is spread, that it is difficult to fill it up ; anc 
 to take a particular part would seem to be a derelic 
 tion of the rest ; for which dereliction no special rea 
 son could be given. You could not embrace all tht 
 characters who have risen or have fallen, or catch a 
 particular names of the illustrious. Confining your 
 self, therefore, to general observations, you make n< 
 particular impression, and your orations become fri 
 gid to the hearers. 
 
 I have felt the truth of all this, said the Cincinnat 
 gentleman, and the difficulty of composing an ora 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 92 
 
 tion to satisfy my own wishes. For being appointed 
 by the society to pronounce one at our next meeting, 
 to which I am now on my way, I have been trying- 
 my hand at it, and find it as you say, very difticult; 
 but have attributed this, not to the nature of the com- 
 position; but to the inferiority of my powers. Not 
 so, said the Captain ; for in the hands of the greatest 
 masters, this kind of composition labours. We do 
 not find that even the oration of Isocrates, on the 
 Lacedemonian war, which he was ten years in com- 
 posing, has obtained such celebrity among the an- 
 cients, as such great labour would bespea... I have 
 read the panegyric of Trajan by Pliny ; and find it 
 blit a cold composition. Plato's oration in honour of 
 those who had fallen in the battles of Marathon and 
 Platea, is the best of this kind that antiquity can pro- 
 duce, and doubtless has great exceller xe in the sim- 
 plicity of the expression. The touches are delicate 
 and fine, and I do not know but we may place it 
 among the most beautiful productions. It amuses 
 with magic wildness of fancy, at the same time, re- 
 strained and guided by an exquisite judgment. But 
 it is rather a poem than an harangue. P'or though 
 the composition is in prose, yet it breathes the soul 
 of a bard, and is inchanting by the flow of the words, 
 and the elevation of the ima'^es. In modern times, 
 I the best thing we have of this nature, is the pane- 
 gyric of Cromv/ell, supposed to be written by the 
 great Milton, but not delivered. The ingenuity dis- 
 covered in the mode of praising him, deserves every 
 1 possible commendation. But the greater part of 
 addresses that I have seen to great men now-a-days, 
 or orations on public occasions; are turgid, or jejune, 
 and little worth our notice. 
 
 After this, said the Cincinnati gentleman, I shall 
 hesitate to show you the essay I have made towards 
 
 VOL. I. K 
 
94 MODERN CHIVALRY. ^ 
 
 a composition of this nature, as you appear to be so 
 good a judge in this respect, and to know the defi- 
 ciencies that may appear in any effort of this kind. 
 
 Nay, rather, said the Captain, you ought to be the 
 more confident in so doing ; for knowing the diffi- 
 culty of the work, I shall be the more ready to ex- 
 cuse what comes short of perfection. 
 
 I shall then take the liberty, said the Cincinnati 
 gentleman, to read you a few paragraphs. I shall be 
 happy to hear it, said the Captain. The Cincinnati 
 gentleman read as follows : 
 
 Compatriots I wish to say those things that 
 
 never have been said, and that never will be said 
 again. Because, in this case, there will be the cha- 
 racteristics of novelty and singularity ; the two great 
 constituents of pleasure, in all intellectual entertain- 
 ments. But what can I say new? Has not the whole 
 v/orld resounded with the justness of the cause in 
 which we have been engaged ; with the greatness of 
 the attempt to v/ithstand the power of Britain ? And 
 have not we, ourselves, felt, seen, and known the 
 great variety and changes of good or bad fortune?... 
 What will it contribute to our immediate enjoyment 
 to go over such scenes, unless the particular achieve- 
 ments of each officer can be enumerated, which de- 
 cency forbids, and Avhich indeed, cannot be done in 
 the limits of one harangue. Leaving, therefore, 
 ourselveS: and these scenes, wholly out of the ques- 
 tion, let us speak a little of those whom we left be- 
 hind. But why need we speak; for all time will 
 speak of them. The bards that shall live, will draw 
 hence their choicest allusions. Consider them, in- 
 deed, as more happy than yous because they ascended 
 from among the groupof their companions, who were 
 at that time instant witnesses of their achievements. 
 The warriors who fall in battle, are the most glori- 
 
MODERN CHVALRY. 95 
 
 ous subjects of panegyric. Hector and Achilles, form 
 the most splendid part of the song of Homer, and 
 especially, because their bodies were interred in the 
 presence of the two armies. Oh what a noble ob- 
 ject! an army mourning a brave officer, and tears 
 drawn even from the foe- struck with the sublime of 
 his personal prowess and excellent knowledge of the 
 military art. Much unlike, and far above those who 
 languish with sickness on a bed in cidm life, where 
 relations standing round, wish the departure of the 
 shadC) and grasp at the property v/hich he leaves 
 behind. But the fame of a soldier none but himself 
 can enjoy, there can be no heir or devisee of his pro- 
 perty. It is his own, and it mounts with him. His 
 blood oi-Ay remains to bless the earth, from which 
 flowers and roses spring, and clothe the woods and 
 groves with enchantment and delight. For here the 
 song cfpoesy is awakened, and at morn, and noon, 
 and at still eve. their voices are heard who rehearse 
 where the brave fell, and where they sleep. Sub- 
 lime spirits ! whether you inhabit the Pagan elysium 
 or the Christian heaven, you are happy ; and listen 
 to those immortal lyres which are strung to the deeds 
 of heroes. 
 
 , So much for the exordium of the oration ; it was 
 •all he had yet written. The evening passed away 
 in hilarity ; and the conversation turned again on the 
 Cincinnati order ; but particularly what may be call- 
 ed the arms of the institution, viz. Britannia repre- 
 sented as a fine woman, with her bosom bare, af- 
 frighted; and Cincinnatus, an accoutred knight, at- 
 tacking her thus unarmed, as St. George did the 
 dragon; the eagle, the bird of Jove, in the mean 
 time grasping the lightning in his claws, an im.age 
 that would seem unnatural: Whereas the eagle miQ;ht 
 ! be represented in tlie clouds near Jove, where the 
 
1 
 
 "Jd MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 iightniug might be left to work its forked course, 
 without the handing of the eagle ; and in the other 
 figure, Cincinnutus might raise his lance against the 
 lion that supports the crown- not against the goddess 
 of the island. 
 
 From these strictures which the Captain, without 
 pretending to be a connoisseur, made, the transition 
 was easy to a criticism on the motto of the badge ; 
 Yiz. Oinnia reliquit^ servare, rejnfiubUcam. The infi- 
 nitive is here used instead of the geinind, with the 
 preposition, ad serx^andain ; as if it was intended to 
 express his motion or change of |)lace, and not the 
 object. But in fact, the motto does not at all express 
 that in which the merit of Cincinnatus consisted. It 
 was not in his leaving every thing to accept the 
 commission of the Roman senate ; but in resigning 
 his commission, and, the work done, going to his 
 plough again. His praise would have been express- 
 ed better by the phrase of, Victor ad aratrum redit.... 
 In fact, it cannot apply well to our army; nnost of 
 our officers not having much to leave when they ac- 
 cepted their commissions ; but discovered a Cincin- 
 nati-like disposition, in returning after war to the 
 employments of civil life. It is true, there v/ould 
 have been less tinsel, and more bullion, in the patri- 
 otism of retiring without a badge, as Cincinnatus 
 did : But it is a thing that can do little harm and it 
 is pleasing to indulge a whim. 
 
 It may doubtless be said, that there were officers 
 that left the plough, and fought, and returned to it, 
 as well as those who are within the limitations of the 
 institution, and entitled to a badge that, troops who 
 had served a short inlistment, and militia persons, 
 at least those who fought a little, were not wholly 
 destitute of some claim to the badge of merit. Even 
 those who lost property might be said to suffer; and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 97 
 
 advance pretensions to the reward of honour. Not 
 that all of them should claim gold medals, or even 
 silver; but some brass, some copper, pewter, a bit 
 of tin, or pot metal, just as the specific value of their 
 services might entitle them. Perhaps while some 
 wore it at the breast, others might be enjoined to 
 wear it at the breeches pocket, and thus, as welj by 
 the point from which appendant, as by the bob itself, 
 designate the proportion of their honour. 
 
 After this, some things were said on the subject 
 of introducing honourary members ; against which 
 the Captain declared himself: That every thing 
 ought to be preserved sui generis ; as nature makes 
 no honourary animals; but all are of the species, or 
 take not the name : a bear is a real bear, a sheep is 
 a sheep ; and there is no commixture of name, where 
 there is a difference of nature. But it did not appear 
 to be of any great consequence, one way or the other. 
 For the order Avould never come to any great head, 
 as there was no opposition given. For this is neces- 
 sary to keep alive attachment to what is arbitrary, 
 and founded, not in utility, but caprice. For as the 
 fire dies without air, so whim without contradiction. 
 
 The officer v/as a man of liberality and good sense, 
 and acknowledged the truth of this. But the even- 
 ing being now far speht, candles were called for, and 
 they went to bed. 
 
 k2 
 
98 
 
 il 
 
 POSTSCRIPT. 
 
 THE precedinpj pages were written several 
 years a'^o ; during which time the Captain has con- 
 tinued his travels ; and having been favoured with 
 his journal- I have occasionally made extracts, and 
 put them in the form of a continued history. Whe- 
 ther I shall publish any more, will depend on the re- 
 ception of this. 
 
 I had first begun this work in verse, and have a 
 volume by me, about two parts in three as large as 
 Butler's Hudibrass ; from which composition, I have 
 extracted this; thinking it might be more accepta- 
 ble in prose. When I visit this city next, I may 
 produce that in verse, and let the people take their 
 choice. 
 
 It is a happiness to a man to be able to amuse 
 himself with writing. For it is not every one that 
 can play upon the violin, or the flute ; and the fingers 
 must be employed some way. I may be blamed in 
 not chusing some subject worthier of my studies, 
 and requiring a profound research. It might profit 
 the world more ; but it would amuse myself less. 
 Omnis labor imfirobics ; all toil is grievious. However 
 I have not been wholly inattentive to severer studies. 
 I have several law tracts by me ; for which I mean, 
 in due time, to solicit a subscription. Kofnumfirema' 
 tur annum^ in every work of moment, ought to be 
 observed. 
 
POSTSCRIPT. 99 
 
 There are some light things which I may in the 
 mean time throw out; a comparison of Thucydides 
 with Livy ; thoughts on the Egyptian hierofi,lyphics ; 
 on the Carthagenian commerce ; a comparison of the 
 French and English eloquence; a supplement to 
 Buffon, containing a description of several genera of 
 animals, not taken notice of by him ; hints for the 
 improvement of the microscope ; on the use of the 
 Masoretic points ; on the recent origin of the earth ; 
 on the criminal code of the Siamese, Sec. 
 
 If the world will excuse these, I will gi:ve them 
 my word for it, they shall be troubled little more ; 
 for except the examining my law tracts, I shall drop 
 my pen, finding it, as I advance in life, more advi- 
 sable to apply myself to making money. What 
 things have been written, and arc now lying by me, 
 may occasionally see the light. 
 
 It is a good deal owing to my solitary residence in 
 the western country, at a distance from books and 
 literary conversation, that I have been led to write at 
 all. It was necessary to fill up the interstices of bu- 
 siness. If I should remain in that country, the same 
 circumstances may lead me to write still. If I 
 should remove to this city, or the seat of the^federal 
 government, I shall avoid the tedium by other means. 
 
 I wish the present book to sell for at least as 
 much as will defray the expence of printing ; for I 
 have no inclination to lose by it. If I had a little 
 time to stay in town, I could give it some celebrity 
 by extracts, and remarks upon it; publishing for 
 and against. For it is of no consequence how a 
 book is made famous, provided that it is famous. 
 
 The truth is, as I have said, I value this book for 
 little but the stile. This I have formed on the model 
 of Xenophen, and Swift's Tale of a Tub, and Gulli- 
 Tcr's Travels. It is simple, natural, various, and 
 
100 POSTSCRIPT. 
 
 forcible. I hope to see it made a school book; a 
 kind of classic of the English language. 
 
 In looking over it, I find in the whole work, but 
 one word I would alter ; it is near the beginning ; 
 where I say Jigure on the stage, * instead of ap- 
 pear, or make a figure on the stage. I have care- 
 fully avoided the word unfounded instead of 5round- 
 less, a word in vogue, amon*^- members of Congress 
 especially. The word commit^ is good, but being 
 lately introduced, and too much hackneyed, I have 
 not used it. 
 
 Language being the vestment of thought, it comes 
 within the rules of other dress ; so that as slovenli- 
 ness, on the one hand, or foppery, on the other, is to 
 be avoided in our attire ; so also in our speech, and 
 writing. Simplicity in the one and the other, is the 
 greatest beauty. 
 
 We do not know at vrhat time the Greek language 
 began to be written as it was by Hesiod or Homer. 
 But we find it to have continued with little or no 
 change, from that time to the latest writers among 
 the Byzantine historians, a period of more than 3000 
 years. The Roman language is considered as im- 
 provim^ from the time of Ennius to the Augustine 
 age. The language of the orators, poets, and histo- 
 rians of that time is the standard. It was not so 
 much in the use of particular words, as an affecta- 
 tion in the thought, that Senaca is censured as coi-- 
 rupting the language of the Romans. But Tacitus, 
 after him, writes In a pure stile ; and I have found 
 but one conceit in expression, in his whole history : 
 meaning to give the geography of a country of a cer- 
 tain tribe of the Germans; they are, says he, separa- 
 ted from the Sequani by mount Jura, from the 
 
 by the lake , from the by the river — -, 
 
 * It is altered in this edition. 
 
POSTSCRIPT. 101 
 
 and from the Atabani by mutual fear. I do not find 
 so much fault with the stile of Pliny, as the heavi- 
 ness of his thoughts and expressions. However, the 
 Latin stile of writing retained its propriety and other 
 excellencies tolerably well, till the monks got posses- 
 sion of it, and brought it down to a jargon that is 
 now exploded ; and we recur to the pure originals of 
 Horace, Virgil, Cicero, and Sallust. 
 
 The French language is corrupting fast ; and not 
 in the use of words, but in the affectation of sur- 
 prise, in the structure of the sentence, or the turn of 
 the expression. Mirabeau was free from this; but 
 not the Abbe Raynal. To give an example: mean- 
 ing to say, which he might have done in a simple 
 manner, that about this time the English ciist their 
 eyes upon (Joa, as a place where, &c. stating the 
 advantages of such a port; he begins by telling you, 
 Ihat the English had occasion for such a port, which 
 &:c. enumerating the advantages ; and after this, with 
 surprize comes upon you, and tells you, they wanted 
 Gca. Enfin, says he ; tliat is, in tine they wanted 
 Goa. 
 
 The English language is undoubtedly written bet- 
 ter in America than in England, especially since the 
 time of that literary dunce, Samuel Johnson, who 
 was totally destitute of taste for the vrai naturelle^ 
 or simplicity of nature. 
 
 The language of the Scots writers is chaste, but 
 the structure of the sentence of the academic Dr. 
 Robertson, offends in this particular; his uniformity 
 of period striking the ear with the same pulse, as 
 the couplets of our rhyme in Dryden and Pope. 
 Hume is superior to him in this respect, writing as 
 naturally as a man speaks; his stile rising and fall- 
 ing witli the subject, as tlie movements of the mind 
 themselves. 
 
^ 
 
 I 
 
 102 POSTSCRIPT. 
 
 I am quite out of patience with this Postscript. T 
 have v/ritten it hastily, the Printer informing me 
 that he had a fewpages of the last sheet to fill, which 
 must be left a blank unless I had something more;| 
 but as I am in a hurry about some small matters,^ 
 and have no disposition to write, I believe I shall J 
 conclude, and let him leave the remainder blank, orj 
 put in a paragraph of his own, if he chuses it. f 
 
 It just me strikes to add, that I am this moment 
 come from behig admitted a Counsellor in the su- 
 preme court of the United States ; having written 
 the preceding part of this postscript just before the 
 court sat. 
 
 In consequence of my admission in this honoura- 
 ble court, I feel myiclf inspired Avith a consciousness 
 of new dignity, and am determined to relinquish the 
 indulgence of all these light amusements, and appiy 
 myself for the future to fathom the profound depths 
 of the legal oceans and rivers. 
 
 Vale, 
 
 Valete, 
 
 Camena. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 103 
 
 BOOK IIL 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 RISING early next morning, the Captain pre- 
 i Acleci with his man Teague, on his journey, and 
 having breakfasted at an inn, where nothing mate- 
 rial happened, we shall pass it over- and come as far 
 down in the day as eleven o'clock ; though, by the 
 bye, it might have been more correct to have said 
 up in the day, because the sun rises until twelve 
 o'clock, and then descends : But waving this nicety, 
 we shall go on to relate M'hat actually took place. A 
 man was seen before them, driving, leisurely, a horse 
 with two kegs upon his back. The Captain took 
 him for what is called a pack-horse man, that was 
 carrying salt or sugar to some place of market. A 
 man of a philosophic turn of mind never hesitates 
 to enter into conversation with any character; be- 
 cause human nature is the field whence he gathers 
 thoughts and expressions. The Captain therefore 
 accosting this man, said, Is it salt or molasses you 
 
1©4 MODERN CHI\rALRY. 
 
 have in your kegs, countryman ? You are going home 
 from some warehouse, I suppose, where you have 
 been dealing ; or going to set up a small shop of your 
 own. and vend goods. No, said the man, with a 
 Scotch-Irish pronunciation, there is an election this 
 day a little way before us, and I am setting up for 
 the legislature, and have these two kegs of whisky 
 to give a dram to the voters. The Captain was 
 thrown into a reverie of thought and began to reflect 
 with himself on the nature of a republican govern- 
 ment, where canvassing by such means as this, can 
 work so great an evil as to elevate the most unqua- 
 lified persons to the highest stations. But, in the 
 mean time- roused a little from his thought, he had 
 presence of mind to recollect the danger in which he 
 was about to be involved afresh with his man Teague; 
 whom, now looking round, he saw to be about forty 
 yards behind him. It would have been adviseable to 
 have diverted him from the road, and taken a circuit- 
 ous rout, to avoid the election ground. But as the 
 devil, or some worse being, would have it, it was a 
 lane in which they v%xre, with a fence on each side ; 
 so that he could not divert without leaping like a 
 fox-hunter, or one of your light-horse men, to which 
 the sober nag on which he rode was not competent. 
 Besides, if Teague did not leap afte;* him he would 
 be left exposed in the lane to the populace, who might 
 solicit him to be their representative. To turn di- 
 rectly back would appear indecorous, and unless he 
 could urge Teague on before him, which was not 
 customary, and to which he might not. all at once 
 submit, his station would of course be in the rear, 
 where he might be picked up as a straggler, and 
 sent to some public body. 
 
 In this quandary of thought, looking up- he saw 
 the breakers just a-head; that is, the people met for 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 117 
 
 front, was a frame buildins^, respectable in appear- 
 ance, from the heif^ht, and dimensions, but ancient. 
 There was a considerable extent of clear ground 
 around it, and an orchard hard by, with at least five 
 hundred apple-trees. 
 
 ;, Having lodc^ed cliiefly at inns since his first setting 
 out, the Captain had the curiosity to diversify his 
 travels, by lodging at a private house this evening* 
 Accordingly riding up to the door, and calling out, 
 Halloa, which is the note of interrogation which is 
 used when a man wishes the master or mistress of 
 a family, or some one of the servants to come forth, 
 to know what he wants. 
 
 It happened that the mistress herself came to the 
 door, and seeing a good-looking man, in a green old 
 age, sitting on horse-back, with his servant ready to 
 take care of his steed should he think proper to dis- 
 mount, she made a low curtsey, as much as to say, 
 Sir, I should be happy to know, in what manner I 
 can serve you. 
 
 Madam, said the Captain, to tell you the truth, the 
 night is drawing on, and I have been reflecting with 
 myself, whether it were better to lodge in the woods, 
 or take a house. All things considered, I have 
 thought it most adviseable to take a house, and the 
 only question that now remains is, whether I can 
 get one. 
 
 The lady smiling with much complacency, and 
 inclining her head forward, and her middle back, re- 
 plied, I should be happy, Sir, if this small mansion 
 couid afford you an accommodation worthy of your 
 suite. Madam, said the Captain, I shall be happy if 
 the guest can be worthy of the accommodation. 
 
 Alight, Sir, said the lady, we shall be happy to 
 receive you. Having alighted, he was introduced to 
 a very decent apailment, where the lady seating her- 
 
 VOL. I. M 
 
US MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 self in a large cushioned chair, and pulling out hei 
 box, took a pinch of snuff, and laid the box upon the 
 cushion. She was a good-looking woman, being 
 about fifty-seven years of age, with grey hairs, but a 
 green fillet on her left eye-brow, as it seems the eye 
 on that side was subject to a defluxion of rheum, 
 which made it expedient to cover it. It could not be 
 said that her teeth were bad, because she had none. 
 If she wanted the rose on her cheek, she had it on 
 her nose, so that it all came to the same thing. No- 
 thing could be said against her chin, but it used her 
 mouth ill in getting above it. She could not be said 
 to be very tall, but what she wanted in height, she 
 made up in breadth ; so that multiplying one dimen- 
 sion by the other, she might be considered as a size- 
 able woman. After conversing a little while, the 
 lady withdrew, to give directions in the kitchen what 
 to provide for supper. 
 
 The Captain in the mean time taking up a pipe, 
 which he saw on the mantle-piece, amused himself 
 with a whiff. 
 
 The old lady in the mean time was in the kitchen, 
 and the first thing she observed was Teague, reclin- 
 ing in an angle of the chimney fast asleep. Presum- 
 ing that he had been inattentive to his master's horse 
 which had been sent to the stable, she desired a ser- 
 vant to give him a jog, and wake him. Teague, 
 aw;^ing, saw the old lady, and addressed her. Dear 
 madam, what a great happiness it is for poor shar- 
 vants to have gentle folks about them ? God bless 
 your anour's ladyship ; you are just for all the world 
 like my cousin Shala Shagney, the handsomest wo- 
 man in all Ireland, and was married to Shan Crossan, 
 who had a great estate, and a flock of shape into the 
 bargain. She used to say to me when I was aslape, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 1 19 
 
 Teague are you awake ; and when I was awake, 
 Teague are you aslape, dear honey. 
 
 There is something in an Irishman which has an 
 admirable effect upon the fair ; whether it is owing 
 to that love-creating lustiness of person and fresh- 
 ness of complexion which they usually possess ; or 
 the delicacy and quantum of the flattery of which 
 they are not niggardly ; nor need they be so, no per- 
 sons having a greater stock to come and go upon. 
 
 For so it was, that the language of the bog-trotter 
 had gained the good will of this same Hecuba, and 
 she ordered him a tankard of metheglim, to make 
 himself merry with the servants. 
 
 Returning to the parlour she continued her con- 
 versation with the Captain; but her mind j running 
 upon Teague she could not avoid introducing his 
 name, with a view to learn some particulars of his 
 history. This is a civil young man, said she, that 
 came with you, and of a conversation above ordinary 
 persons. The captain being an observer of the pas- 
 sions of the mind, as they express themselves in the 
 eye and aspect, saw that Teague had made some 
 impression on the affections of this goodly old maiden 
 gentlewoman: Nor was he displeased with it^ for 
 his first alarm was, that she would have fastened on 
 himself; but her passion taking this course, would 
 be less troublesome. Framing his answers therefore 
 to her questions, with a view to favour what had so 
 fortunately commenced, he gave her to understand, 
 that, though in the disguise of a servant, Teague was 
 no inconsiderable personage; that he had been a 
 member of Congress one or two years ; though, by 
 the bye, this was stretching the matter a little, as he 
 had only had it in his power to be one. But if it is 
 allowable to strain a point at all, it is in the recom- 
 mendation of one who stands well enough already ; 
 
120 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 for not being taken on the recommendation, there is 
 no deception ; and it is but civility to make one more 
 pleased with their choice, than they already are. 
 
 The Captain said nothmg of his having preached, 
 or being about to preach ; for the idea of sermons, 
 and catechisms, impressing the mind with religious 
 awe, is unfavourable to love. As to his being a mem- 
 ber of the philosophical society, it could be neither 
 here nor there with a lady, and therefore he was si- 
 lent with respect to this also. 
 
 Supper being brought in, they sat do^vn ; but little 
 conversation passed; the mind of the enamoratabein-g 
 more in the kitchen than in the parlour. After sup- 
 per, the Captain sitting sometime, and seeming 
 drowsy, was asked by his hostess, if he chose to go 
 to bed : Ansv, ering in the affirmative, a servant wait- 
 ed with a candle ; and bidding her good night, he was 
 lighted to his chamber. 
 
 No sooner had he withdra\vn, but the old lady 
 sent her compliments to Teague, to take a seat in 
 the parlour; where sitting do-wTi to a roasted duck, 
 just brought in, a few slices of gammon on a plate, 
 a piece ojf veal, and a couple of roasted potatoes, he 
 was desired to partake : the old lady casting amour- 
 ous looks at him, in the mean time. I say looks ; 
 for thou h she had but one eye to look with, yet 
 looking often, she mi rht be said to cast looks. It was 
 a new thing to the Irishman to be at a table with 
 a servant at his bac;^ ; and he began now to think 
 that fortune meant to do him justice: and Mith an 
 ease, and self-possession, which some would call ef- 
 frontery, he did the honours of the table ; helping 
 himself, and talking as fast as consisted with his 
 disposition to satisfy his appetite. May it please 
 your ladyship, said he, I am a poor sharvant now, 
 but I have seen the time, when I have ate at as good 
 
r 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 121 
 
 a table as the Captain my master, though he rides 
 upon a horse and I trot on foot. My uncle, by the 
 mother's side, Shan O'Gan, had a deer-park, and 
 kept race-horses, to go to de fair, and the city of 
 Cork: and my father's brother, Phelim O'Regan, 
 was a justice of pace, and hung paple for staleing 
 shape. I might have been a member of parliament, 
 if I had staid at home and went to school ; but send- 
 in.^ a challenge, and fii>htin;^ wid my own dear cou- 
 sin Denis O'Conelly, I had to fly de kingdom, and 
 brought noting wid me but my brogs, and ten gui- 
 neas in my purse ; and am now noting but a poor 
 sharvant, unless your ladyship would take pity upon 
 me, and marry me ; for I am wary of this way of 
 tratting after a crazy Captain, that has no sense to 
 curry his own harse ; and I have to fight duels for 
 him, and keep him from being knocked down 
 like a brute baste ; for dis very day, when he had 
 a quarrel wid a hastier, and was trown upon his 
 back, I lifted him up, and said. Dear honey, are 
 you dead ? took de hastier by de troat, and choaked 
 him, and he could not spake, but said, Dear shentle- 
 men, spare my life I so dat if your ladyship will take 
 me to yourself, I will stay wid you, and take care of 
 de harses, and cows, and de shape, and plant parates, 
 and slape wid you, and ask not a farthing, but your 
 own sweat self into de bargain ! for you are de beauty 
 of de world I and fastin.c or slaping, I could take you 
 to my arms, dear crature, and be happy wid you. 
 
 The lady was by this time entirely won, and gave 
 liim to understand, that in the morning, after con- 
 sulting a friend or two', the marriage might be cele- 
 brated. 
 
 I give only a sketch of the courtship that took 
 place, for a great deal was said : and it was near 
 midnight before the lovers could prevail upon them- 
 M 2 
 
122 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 selves to part ; when Teaf^ue was li^,hted to his bed, 
 and had as i^ood as that in which the Captain slept, 
 which was a new thin^-^- to him, bein?; accustomed to 
 pi;^ in with hostlers and servants, at the places 
 where they lod.^red. 
 
 The Captain was up early in the morning", and 
 astonished not to find Tea;^ue stirring-, but enquirinf^ 
 of the servants where Tea^^ue slept, he was shev/n 
 up a pair of stairs, which he ascended, thinkin?^ he 
 had one or two more to ascend before he reached the 
 garret. But what was his astonishment, when he 
 was shewn into a room on the second floor, where 
 he found Tea,^ue snoring- on a feather bed with cur- 
 tains. Wakin >: hiiB> Tea;.:;ue, said he, this goes be- 
 yond all your former impudence : to crawl up out of 
 the kitchen, and get into a feather bed. Please your 
 anour, said Teague, to ring a bell, and call up a 
 sharvant, to bring boots and slippers ; for I am to be 
 married dis maming. 
 
 The Captain was thunder-struck; and compre- 
 hending the whole of what had taken place, saw his 
 faux fias in recommending him to the hostess; and 
 now it only remained, to cure the blunder he had 
 made, if it was at all curable. 
 
 We are short sighted mortals ; and while we stop 
 one leak, the water rushes in at another. The very 
 means that we use to save ourselves from one evil, 
 leads us to a worse. The Captain had need on this 
 occasion of all his address. Composing himself, he 
 dissembled, and spoke as follows : 
 
 Teague, said he, will you that are a young man, 
 and have great prospects before you, consign your- 
 self to the arms of an old woman. Her breath wi!l 
 kill you in the course of a fortnight. The fact is, 
 she is a witch, and inchantress ; she made the same 
 proposition to me last night, of marrying me; but I 
 
» 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 12S 
 
 declined it. The world is full of these sort of cattle. 
 There was one Sha|:>nesa Circe, in old times, that 
 used to gather all she could in her net, and trans- 
 form them into hogs. Sir Teague Ulysses was the 
 only one that had the sense to keep clear of her mu- 
 sic, and avoid her. Did you see that drove of hogs 
 i)efore the door, when we rode up last evening.... 
 They are nothing more than stragglers which she 
 •^has transformed into swine. I did not sleep a wink 
 last night, thinking of the danger to which you were 
 exposed, and indeed I expected nothin.^ less, than 
 to find you this morning a barrow, fattened up for a 
 feast, a day or two hence. Did you think such an 
 old haridan as this can have any natural concupi- 
 scence for a man; or if she has, it is for a few days 
 
 =i(Hily, until she can make him fit for slaughter 
 
 Then by throwing a little water on him, or by the 
 .bare blowing of her breath, she makes a beef-cow, 
 or hog-meat of him, and he finds the knife at his 
 throat, and scalding water taking off his bristles, and 
 his guts out, and is into the pick ling-tub before he 
 knows what he is about. Do you think, Teague, 
 'that I have read books for nothing ? Have you not 
 seen me in my study, morning and night, looking 
 'Over Greek, and Hebrew letters, like partridge-tracks? 
 All this to find out what was going on up and down 
 the world. Many a history of witches and conjurers, 
 I have read, and know them when I see them, just 
 as I would my own sheep, when I am at home. Bet- 
 ter indeed, for unless -my sheep are marked, I could 
 not know them ; but marked or not marked, I know 
 witches; and if I am not mistaken, this is the great- 
 est witch that ever run. She was all night in my 
 room, in the shape of a cat. It is God's mercy, that 
 she had not changed herself into an alligator, and eat 
 ■you up before the morning. When I came into the 
 
124 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 room I expected to find nothing else but bones, and' 
 particles of hair the remnant of her repast ; but it 
 seems she has thout>;ht you not fat enough, and has 
 given you a day or two to run, to improve your flesh, 
 and take the salt better. The worst thing-, after 
 transformation, is the having you cut, in order to 
 make you fatter and better pork, which is generally 
 done the first day ; and castration is a painful opera- 
 tion, besides the loss of the part. I have had several 
 of my acquaintances treated in this manner, falling 
 in with old women whom they took for fortunes ; but 
 were in reality witches, and had dealings with the 
 devil. 
 
 Teague by this time was out of bed, and had 
 dressed himself in his overalls and short coat, and 
 was ready for a march. Indeed he wished to escape 
 as soon as possible ; and descendin?; the stairs, going 
 to the stable, and sad dling the horse, they both set 
 out, without taking Jeave. It was in this manner 
 Eneas quitted Dido, and got a ship-board, before she 
 was awake ; and the only difterence was, that Teague 
 had left no little lulus in the hall, to put her in mind 
 of the father. 
 
 TRAVELLING along, the Captain could not 
 but observe to Teague, the injudicious choice he was 
 about to make, even had the woman not been a ne- 
 cromancer. For the man who surrenders himself 
 to the arms of a superannuated female, for the sake 
 of fortune, acts a j)art not less unworthy and dis- 
 graceful, than the prostitute who does the same for 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 115 
 
 half-a-crown. While a man has the use of his limbs 
 and arms, he ought to be above such mercenary mo- 
 tives; and true happiness can be found only in con- 
 gruity, and what is natural. Teague seemed still to 
 have some hankering after the ducks, and the fea- 
 ther bed, but as they proceeded, they recollection 
 became more faint, for distance and time, is the 
 cure of all passions. 
 
126 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 PROCEEDING four or five miles, they breaks 
 fasted ; and afterwards, going on a mile or two fur- 
 ther, they came to a church where a number of peo- 
 ple were convened, to hear the decision of an eccle- 
 siastical consistory, met there on an affair which 
 came before themi. It was this : Two men appear- 
 ed, the one of a grave aspect, with a black coat ; the 
 other without the same clerical colour of garb ; but 
 with papers in his pocket which announced his au- 
 thority to preach, and officiate as a clergyman. The 
 man with the black coat, averred, that doming over 
 together, in a vessel from Ireland, they had been 
 messmates ; and while he was asleep one night, be- 
 ing drowsy after prayers, the other had stolen his 
 credentials from his pocket. The man in posses- 
 sion of the papers, averred they were his own, and 
 that the other had taken his coat, and by advantage 
 of the cloth, thought to pass for what he was not. 
 
 The consistory found it difficult, without the aid 
 of inspiration, to decide ; and that faculty having 
 now ceased, there were no other means, that they 
 could discover, to bring the truth to light. 
 
 The Captain being informed of this perplexity, 
 nould not avoid stepping up, and addressing them as 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 137 
 
 follows: Gentlemen, said he, there is a text in your 
 own scripture, which I think might enable you to 
 decide : It is this, " by their fruits ye shall know themj'* 
 Let the two men preach ; and the best sermon take 
 tiie purse ; or laying aside the figure, let him that 
 expounds the scripture best, be adjudged the cler- 
 gyman. 
 
 The proposition seemed reasonable, and was 
 adopted; the competitors being desired to withdraw 
 a little, and conn over their notes, that they might 
 be ready to deliver a discourse respectively. 
 
 The Captain observing the countenance of him 
 in possession of the papers, was sensible, from his 
 paleness, and dejection of aspect, that he was the im- 
 postor. Going out therefore shortly after, and fall- 
 ing in with him, as he walked in a melancholy mood, 
 at a little distance from the church, said he to him, 
 1 perceive how it is, that the other is the preacher; 
 nevertheless I would wish to assist you, and as I 
 have been the means of bringing you into this pre- 
 dicament, I should be disposed to bring you out.... 
 Let me know how the case really stands. 
 
 The other candidly acknowledged, that having 
 been a yarn merchant in Jreland, his capital had 
 failed, and he had thought proper to embark for this 
 country ; and coming over with this clergyman, he 
 had purloined his papers; and would have taken his 
 coat, had it not been too little for him ; a thing which 
 never^ struck the ecclesiastical tribunal. But the 
 matter being now reduced to an actual experiment 
 of talents, he was at a loss; for he had never preach- 
 ed a sermon in his life. It was true, he had heard 
 sermons and lectures in abundance ; and had he been 
 suffered to go on and preach at his leisure amongst 
 the country people first, he might have done well 
 enough ; but to make his first essay in the presence 
 
^-^ 
 
 1^8 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 of a learned body of the clergy, would hazard a de- 
 tection ; but now he saw his oversight in not having 
 taken the notes of the other, at the same time- he 
 took the vouchers of his mission. 
 
 The Captain encouraged him, by observing, that 
 there were few bodies, ecclesiastical or civil, in which 
 there were more than one or two men of sense ; that 
 the majority of this consistory, might be as easily 
 imposed upon, as the lay people ; that a good deal 
 would depend on the text that he took; some were 
 easily preached upon; others more difficult. An 
 historical passage about Nimrod, or Nebuchadnezzar, 
 or Sihon, king of the Amorites, or Og, king of Ba- 
 shan ; out of Genesis, or Deuteronomy, or the book 
 of Judges, or Kings, would do very well ; but that 
 he should avoid carefully the book of Job, and the 
 Psalms of David, and the Proverbs of Solomon ; 
 these requiring a considerable theological know- 
 ledge ; or, at least, moral discussion and reflection. 
 Keep a good heart, said he, and attempt the matter. 
 The issue may be better than you apprehend. 
 
 With this, taking him a little further to the one 
 side, where his horse was tied, he took out a bottle 
 from his saddle-bags, with a little whisky in it, which 
 Teague had put there, and gave him a dram. This 
 had a good effect, and raised his spirits, and he 
 seemed now ready to enter the lists with his antago- 
 nist. 
 
 The other, in the mean time, had gone in, and 
 was ready, when called upon, to hold forth. The 
 man with the papers returning, with the Captain 
 not far behind, took his seat. The board signified, 
 that one or other might ascend the pulpit. The cre- 
 dential man, v/ishing to gain time, to think farther 
 what he was about to say, but alTecting pol'^eness, 
 yielded precedence to the other, and desired him t"> 
 preach first. Accordingly stepping up, he took his 
 text and began. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. tea 
 
 the purpose of electing- and that it was now impos- 
 sible to avoid them. Depending, therefore, on his 
 own address^ to ma'sC the best of circumstances, he 
 suffered himself to be carried along towards them, 
 keeping, in the mean time, an eye upon Teague, 
 who was the cause of his concern: 
 
 Meeting accidentally with a' Scotch gentleman on 
 the ground, whom he knew, he communicated to 
 him the delicacy of his situation, and the apprehen- 
 sions he had on the partot Teague. Said the Scotch 
 gentleman Ye need na gie yoursel any trouble on 
 that head, map ; for I sal warrant the man wi the 
 twa kegs will carry the elaction: there is na resist- 
 in.^ guid liquor; it has an unco effec on the judg- 
 ment in the choice of a representative. The man 
 that has a distillery or twa in our country, canna 
 want suffrages. He has his votaries about him like 
 ane o' the Heathen gods, and because the fluid exhi- 
 lerates the brain, they might think he maun be a 
 deity that makes it; and they fa' dov/n, especially 
 when they have drank ower muckle, and worship 
 him, just as at the Shrine of Apollo or Bacchus, 
 among the ancients. 
 
 The candidate that opposed the man of the two 
 kegs, was a person of gravity and years, and said to 
 be of good sense and expenence. The judgment 
 of the people was in his favour, but their appetite 
 leaned against him. 
 
 There is a story of one Manlius, a Roman, v/ho 
 had saved the capitcl from the Gauls, by putting his 
 breast to the ramparts, and throwinp,- them down as 
 they ascended. When this man afterwards, elated 
 with the honours paid him- forgot the duties of a 
 citizen^ wishin^r to subvert the republic, by usurp- 
 ing power; the people, jealous of liberty, v/ere in- 
 censed ; and being convicted of the crime, he was 
 
 yOL. I. L 
 
106 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 dragged to punishment. It was not the way, at that 
 time, to hang, as you would a dog; or beheaded, as 
 you would a wild beast: but to throw from a high 
 rock, which they- called the Tarpeian. The capitol 
 was just in view, and while they were dragging hirii 
 along to the place, he would stretch his hand towards 
 it; as much as to say, There O Romans, I saved 
 you: The populace at this would stop a while, irre- 
 solute whether to desist or drag him on. While they 
 recollected his offence, they marched a step; but 
 when they cast their eye on the capitol, they stood 
 still ; and not until some principal men directed the 
 rout out of the view of the capitol, could he be 
 brought to justice. 
 
 So it was with the multitude convened on this 
 occasion, between the man with the two kegs and the 
 grave-loo .ing person. When they looked on the 
 one, they felt an inclination to promote him. But 
 when again on the other hand, they saw two kegs 
 which they knew to be replenished with a very cheer- 
 ing liquor, they seemed to be inclined in favour of 
 the other. 
 
 But appetite prevailed, and they gave tl;ieir votes 
 in favour of the man v.ith the two kegs. 
 
 Teague in the mean time thinking he had another 
 chance of being a great man, had been busy, but to 
 no purpose ; for the people gave their votes to the 
 man of the two kegs. The Captain thought himself 
 fortunate to be thus relieved, and proceeded on his 
 iourney. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, \f>7 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 CONTAINING OBSERVATIONS* 
 
 THE perplexity of the Captain, in the late 
 transaction on account of his servant, may serve to 
 put those in mind who travel with a waiter, not to 
 go much about at the election seasons, but avoid 
 them as you would the equinoxes. It might not be 
 amiss, if, for this reason the times of electing mem- 
 bers for the several bodies were put down in the al- 
 manac, that a man might be safe in his excursions, 
 and not have an understrapper picked up when he 
 could not well spare him. 
 
 I mean this as no burlesque on the present gene^ 
 ration ; for mankind in all ages have had the same 
 propensity to magnify what was small, and elevate 
 the low. We do not find that the Egyptians, though 
 there were lions in the kingdom of Lybia, not far 
 distant, ever made a god of one of them. They ra- 
 ther chose the cow kind, the stork, and the croco- 
 dile, or the musk-rat, or mire-snipe, or other inferior 
 animal, for an object of deification. The Romans, 
 and the Greeks also, often worshipped small matters. 
 Indeed we do not find amongst any nation, that the 
 elephant, or rhinoceros, or elk, or unicorn, have been 
 made tutelar divinities. As, 
 
IQ5 MODERN CIHVALRY. 
 
 Cannons shoot the higher pitches, 
 The lower you put down their breeche*. 
 
 The smaller the objects we take up, and make them 
 great, the act is greater ; for it requires an equal art 
 in the formation of the glass to magnify, as to di- 
 minish, and if the object is not of itself small, there 
 is no magnifying. Caligula is celebrated for making 
 his horse a senator. It would have been nothing to 
 have made a Roman knight one ; but to endow a 
 mere quadruped with the qualities of a legislator, 
 Ijespeaks great strength of parts and judgment. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 109 
 
 CHAPTER HI. 
 
 IT was about three o'clock in the afternoon that 
 the Captain came to an inn, where unhorseing and 
 unsaddling, Teague took the steed, and the master 
 went to sleep on a sopha in the passage. Unless it 
 is in a very deep sleep, the mind is in some degree 
 awake, and has what are called dreams. These are 
 frequently composed of a recollection of late events. 
 Sometimes the mind recovers incidents long since 
 past, and makes comments, but most usually, out of 
 mere indolence, takes up with what is next at hand. 
 It happened so on this occasion ; for the Captain 
 thought himself still in conversation with the Scotch- 
 man on the subj<;ct of the late election. It seemed 
 -to him that he said, Mr. M'Donald, for that was the 
 name of the Scotch gentleman, you do not seem to 
 have a high opinion of our republican form of go- 
 vernment, when the most contemptible can obtain 
 the people's suffrages. 
 
 The Scotchman seemed to answer in his own dia- 
 lect, saying. Ye are much mistaken man, if ye draw 
 that conclusion. I think there is a worse chance 
 for merit to come forth where appointments are in 
 the hand of one, than when with many ; for it is 
 much easier to scratch the rump of one, than to tickle 
 L 2 
 
110 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the hurdies o* a thousand. Ye see our executive 
 dmna do much better in their appointments to judi- 
 cial and ministerial offices, than the rabble folk them- 
 selves to the legislative. It all comes to the same 
 thing in every government; the windblaws, and the 
 feathers and the fern get uppermost. 
 
 At this instant he was awakened by a bustle out 
 of doors. The fact was ; a disagreement had taken 
 place between Teague and the hostler at the inn, 
 about their skill respectively in rubbing down and 
 currying horses. Teague had made use of a single 
 grab of hay, which he held with both hands, and im- 
 pressed the horse, rubbing him from side to side, and 
 up and down v/ith all his might. The other with a 
 wisp in each hand, rubbed; the right hand passing 
 to the left, while the left hand passed to the right, in 
 a traverse or diagonal direction. The hostler valu- 
 ed himself on having been groom, as he pretended, 
 to a nobleman in England, and therefore must be 
 supposed to understand the true art of currying^. 
 Teague maintained his opinion, and way of working 
 with a good deal of obstinacy, until at last it came 
 to blows. The first stroke v/as given by Teague, 
 who hit the hostler on the left haunch with his foot, 
 wheii he was stooping down to shew Teague how to 
 rub the fetlock. The hostler recovering, and seiz- 
 ing Teague by the breast, pushed him back with a 
 retrograde motion, until he was brought up by a 
 cheek of the stable door. Resting against this, 
 Teague made a sally, and impelled his antagonist 
 several yards back, who finding at length behind 
 him the support of a standing trough, which the car- 
 riers used for a manger to feed their horses, recover- 
 ed his position, and elanced Teague some distance 
 from the place of projection. But Teague still 
 keeping hold of the collar of his adversary, had 
 
Modern chivalry. m 
 
 brought him along with him, and both were now on 
 the ground struggling for victory. But Teague 
 turning on his belly, and drawing up his knees, was 
 making an effort to raise himself to his feet. The 
 other in the mean time, partly by the same means, 
 and partly by retaining hold of the Irishman, was in 
 the attitude of rising with him. They were now 
 both up, locked fast in the grasp of each other, their 
 heads inclining in conjunction, but their feet apart, 
 like muskets stacked after a review, or like the arch 
 of a bridge. The head of each supported by the 
 abutment of the feet. Few blows were given, and 
 therefore not much damage done. But the persons 
 present calling out fair play, and making a bustle in 
 the porch of the inn, had awakened the Captain, 
 and brought him to the door, who seeing what was 
 going on, took upon him to command the peace; 
 and the people supposing him to be a magistrate, 
 assisted to part the combatants ; when the Captain 
 ordering both of them before him, made enquiry in- 
 to the cause of the dispute. Teague gave his ac- 
 count of the matter; adding, that, if he had had a 
 shallelah, he v/ould have been after making him 
 know that the paple in dis country, could curry a 
 horse, or a cow, or a shape, as well as any English- 
 man in de world, though he have been hastier to a 
 great lord, or de king himself, at his own stable 
 where he has his harse. 
 
 Teague, said the Captain, this may be true ; but 
 it was unbecoming a philosopher to attempt to 
 establish this by blows. Force proves nothing but 
 the quantum of the force. Reason is the only argu- 
 ment that belongs to man. Ycu have been the ag- 
 gressor, and therefore in the power of the law. But 
 as to you, Mr. Hostler, you have given provocation* 
 
i 12 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 I have had this lad with me several years, and I say 
 that he curries and rubs down a horse well. It is no 
 uncommon thing for men of your country, to under- 
 value other nations. You naturally associate your 
 own attainments with the bulk and populousness of 
 large cities : But can the looking at a large building 
 or a tall spire, add an inch to your stature ? Because 
 Fox is eloquent, is every one that hears him so too ? 
 Is not human ingenuity the same here as on the 
 other side the water ? Our generals have fought as 
 well, in the late war, as any Clinton, or Cornwallis 
 that you have. Our politicians have wrote, and our 
 patriots have spoke as well as your Burkes, or your 
 Sheridans, or any other; and yet when you come 
 here, there is no bearing the airs of superiority 
 you take upon yourselves. I wonder if the wasps 
 that are in your London garrets consider themselves 
 better t]ian the wasps that are in these woods ? I 
 should suppose it must be so ; such is the contempt- 
 ible vanity of an island, which, taken in its whole 
 extent, would be little more than a urinal to one of 
 our Patagonians in South America. This the Cap- 
 tain said to mortify the hostler ; though, by the bye, 
 there is a good deal of truth in the observation, that 
 the people of an old country undervalue the new ; 
 and when they think of themselves, conjoin the ad- 
 ventitious circumstances of all that exists where 
 they have lived. I have found a prejudice of this na- 
 ture even with the wisest men. What wonder, 
 therefore, that a poor illiterate hostler should be sub- 
 ject to it? But if he did undervalue an American 
 born, yet he ought to have considered that Teague, 
 though not born in Britain, was bom near it, and 
 therefore might considerably approach the same 
 skill in any handy -craft work. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. US 
 
 In natural history, we do not value animals on ac- 
 count of the place from whence they are taken, but 
 on account of what they are themselves; and in 
 things that are made by hands, not by the manu- 
 facturer, but by the quality. We prefer the trout of 
 the rivulet to the mullet of the river ; and we judge 
 of the pudding- not by the ma er but the eating. 
 There is a proverb that establishes this; for proverbs 
 are the deductions of experience, and to which we 
 assent as soon as expressed ; containing in them an 
 obvious truth, which the simplest understand. 
 
 IT is not for the sake of any moral that I have 
 related this scutHe that took place between the 
 Irishman and the hostler; but for the sake of shew- 
 ing in what manner incidents are to be related ; that 
 is, with great simplicity of stile, and minuteness of 
 description. That part of Livy which contains the 
 combat of the Horatii, and Curatii, is frequently giv- 
 en to the students at a college to translate, that by 
 this means they may be taught to imitate the like 
 delicacy in the choice of words, and particularity of 
 the recital. The above may answer the same pur- 
 pose. It is true there is not the like incidents in 
 
 ' this combat, as in that described by Livy; neverthe- 
 less, the same art is therein discovered, as the sound 
 critic will observe. I know it will be thought by 
 any one who reads it, that he could use the very 
 same words, and give the same liveliness of picture, 
 
 I were he to attempt it. -Should he try it, he will find 
 himself disappointed Suder multum^ frustraqut 
 
 ■ labpret^ ausus idem.... 
 
 It may be thought, that though stile is my object, 
 yet I might now and then bring in a thought to en- 
 
114 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 tertain the reader, and introduce some subject of 
 moment, rather than the fisty-cuffs of two raggamuf- 
 fins. I would just ask this question: Is not the ta- 
 lent of the artist shewn as much in painting a fly, as 
 a waggon- wheel. If this were intended as a book 
 of morals, or physiology, and not as a mere belle 
 lettre composition, there might be something saidj 
 as the case is, critics must be silent. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. lis 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 I SHALL pass over the circumstances of the 
 Captain's dining, and Teague, reconciled with the 
 hostler, taking his mess in the kitchen; and go on to 
 what befel afterwards, when having saddled the 
 horse, they set out on their further perigrination.... 
 Towards evening, when the shadows of the trees 
 began to be long, the Captain bidding Teague trot 
 along side addressed him in the following words :..< 
 Teague, said he, it is true I am none of your knight- 
 errants, who used to ride about the world relieving 
 fair damsels, and killing giants, and lying out in 
 woods, and forests, without a house, or even tent- 
 i cloth over their heads, to protect them from the 
 night air. Nevertheless, as in some respects my 
 
 i equipment, and sallying forth resembles a knight- 
 errant, and you a squire, would it be amiss, just for 
 a frolick, to lie out a night or two, that it might be 
 said that we have done the like. There is no great 
 danger of wolves or bears, for while there are sheep, 
 or pigs to be got at, they will shun human fiesh. It 
 will make a good chapter in our journal, to describe 
 you lying at the foot of an oak, and me, with my 
 head upon my saddle, under another; the horse, in 
 the mean time, feeding at a small distance. Teague 
 
116 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 thought it would be an easier matter to write doVTA 
 the chapter in the journal, than lie under the trees 
 to beget it. It is true said the Captain, navigators 
 and travellers, mhke many a fiction ; and those who 
 have been in battle have killed many, that were 
 killed by others, or have not been killed at all.... 
 But it would ill become a limb of chivalry to deviate 
 from the truth. It v/ill be but about twelve hours 
 service lying on our bac s and looking up to the 
 stars, hearing the howling of wolves, and observing 
 the great Bear in the heavens, the means by which 
 the Chaldeans, the first astronomers, laid the foun- 
 dation of the science. Fait, and I tink, said Teague, 
 it would be better to be in a good house, with a 
 shoulder of mutton to ate, before we go to slape, 
 than to have our own shoulders tarn by the bears, or 
 bruised by lying under great oa s. Of what use is this 
 astranomy? did any of these astninamers ever shoot 
 down a bear in the firmament, to get a joint of mate 
 for a sic person; and what good comes of lying in 
 de woods, to be ate up by the snakes ; but fevers, and 
 agues, and sore troats to get a long cough and die 
 in a ditch Yi e a dead horse, and be nothing thought 
 of, but be trown mto ridicule like a black-head that 
 has no sense. It is better to go to a house and get 
 a bed to slape in, and warm shates about us, than be 
 lying in the dew like a frag, croa' ing the next day 
 like one of dase and get no good by it. 
 
 The Captain had made the proposition merely to 
 amuse himself ■v('ith Teasue, and so did not insist 
 upon it. 
 
 Riding one or two miles, the sun was setting, and 
 a house Lippcared in view a litrlt; off the road A lane 
 led up to it with a meadow on one side, and a pas- 
 ture-field on the other. On this last^ there v/ere 
 cattle of cows, and sl>eep grazing. The house in 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 129 
 
 THE SERMON. 
 
 Prov. VIII. 33. Hear instructirm and be wise, and 
 refuse it not. 
 
 INSISTING on these words, I shall enquire, 
 
 1. Whence it is that men are averse to instruction. 
 
 2. The misfortune of this disposition. Lastly, Con- 
 clude with inferences from the subject. 
 
 I. Whence it is that men are adverse to instruction. 
 The first principle is indolence. The mind loves 
 ease, and does not wish to be at the trouble of think- 
 ing. It is hard to collect ideas, and still harder to 
 compose them ; it is like rowing a boat : whereas, 
 acting without thought, it is like sailing before the 
 wind, and the tide in our favour. 
 
 The second principle is firide. It wounds the 
 self-love of men, to suppose that they need instruc- 
 tion. We resent more the being called fools than 
 knaves. No man will own himself weak and unin- 
 formed. In fact, he has not humility to think bj is ; 
 or, if he should be conscious of a want of knowledge 
 he is ui7willing that others should have the same 
 opinion ; and he will not submit to be instructed, as 
 that would imply that he is not already so. 
 
 The third principle is passion. When we are 
 disposed to satisfy the desires of the constitution, or 
 the affections of the mind, which are unlawful, we do 
 not wish to hear dissuation. from the indulgence. 
 The lecture comes to torment before the time, when, 
 the consequence must afflict. 
 
 VOL. I. N 
 
130 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Under the second head, we shall shew the misfov' 
 tune of this disfiosition. It is ^vhat, in early life, be- 
 gins to fix the difference of persons. The hearer of 
 instruction, even with more moderate parts, becomes 
 the more sensible boy. The hearer of insti-uction 
 has a better chance for life and mature years. Into 
 how many dangers do young persons run ; leaping, 
 climbing, running, playing truant, and neglectinvi; 
 books? Into v/hat affrays too will passions prompt 
 them, when they begin to feel the sinew strong, and 
 the manly nerve braced? They value corporeal 
 strength, which they have in common with the 
 horse, or the ox, and neglect the cultivation of the 
 mind, which is the glory of our nature. What is a 
 a man without information ? In form only above a 
 beast. What is a man negligent of moral dutyi 
 Worse than a beast ; because he is destitute of that 
 by which he might be governed, and of which his 
 nature is capable ; and without which, he is more 
 dangerous, in proportion as he is more ingenious. 
 I shall conclude with inferences from the subject. 
 It may be seen herxe, with what attention we 
 ought to hear, and with what observation, see. The 
 five senses are the avenues of knowledge ; but the 
 reflection of the mind on ideas presented, is the 
 source of wisdom. Understanding is better than 
 riches ; for understanding leads to competency, and 
 to know how to use it. Laying aside, therefore, all 
 indolence, pride, and passion, let us hear instruction, 
 ^nd be wise, and refuse it not. 
 
 This, reverend brethren, is a short sermon. It Is 
 one in minature ; like the model of a mechanical in- 
 vention, which is complete in its parts, and from 
 whence may be seen the powers of the inventor. I 
 did not intend to take up your time with a long dis- 
 

 MODERN CHIVALRY. 131 
 
 course; because, ex fiede Herculum-y you may know 
 what 1 can do by this essay. 
 
 The fact is, I am regularly educated, and licens- 
 ed ; but this my competitor, is no more than a yarn 
 merchant ; v/ho, failing in his trade, has adventured 
 to this country : And coming over in the vessel with 
 me, took the opportunity one night, when I was 
 asleep, and picked my fob of these papers^ which he 
 now shev/s. 
 
 Thus having spoke, he descended.. 
 
 The other, in the mean time, had been at his wits 
 end what to do. The technical difficulty of taking a 
 text, and dividing it under several heads, and split- 
 ing each head into branches, and pursuint-; each with 
 such strictness, that the thoughts should be ran'2,ed 
 under each which belonged to it, as exactly as you 
 would the coarser yarn with the coarser, and the 
 finer with the finer ; or put balls with balls, and hanks 
 with hanks. At last he had determined to take no 
 text at all ; as it was much better to tai-e none, than 
 to take one and not stick to it. Accordin ly, he re- 
 solved to preach up and down the scripture wher- 
 ever he could get a word of seasonable doctrine. 
 Mounting the pulpit, therefore, he began as follows: 
 
13:2 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 SERMON. 
 
 THE first man that Ave read of was Adam, and first- 
 ^voman Eve ; she was tempted by the serpent, and 
 eat the forbidden fruit. After this she conceived 
 and bare a son, and called his name Cain ; and Cain 
 v/as a tiller of the ground, and Abel a keeper of 
 sheep ; for she conceived and bare a second son, and 
 called his name Abel. And Cain slew Abel. There 
 were several generations unto the flood, when Noah 
 built an ark, and saved himself and his family. Af- 
 ter the flood, Abraham begat Isaac, and Isaac begat 
 Jacob, and Jacob begat Joseph and his brethren. 
 Potiphar's wife, in Egypt, took a fancy for Joseph, 
 and cast him in a ward; and Potiphar was a captain 
 of Pharaoh's guards; and Joseph interpreted Pha- 
 raoh's dream of the lean cattle; r.nd there were 
 twelve years famine in the land ; and IMoses passed 
 for the son of Pharaoh's daughter, and married Jeth- 
 ^o'sdaur^hter, in the land of Midian, and brought 
 the Israelites out of the land of Egypt; and Joshua 
 the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephunneh ; 
 and the walls of Jericho fell down at the sound of 
 ram's horns ; and Sampson slew a thousand with 
 the jaw-bone of an ass; and Delilah the harlot; and 
 Gideon, and Barak, and Jephthah, and Abinoam 
 the Giliaditish ; and Samuel, and Saul, and the pro- 
 phets ; and Jonathan and David ; and Solomon built 
 Him an house ; and silver v.as as plenty as the street 
 stones in Jerusalem; Rehoboam, and Jehosophat, 
 and the kings of Israel and Juda; Daniel was cast 
 into the lions' den; and Shadrach, Meshach, and 
 
MGDEHN CHIVALRY. 13S 
 
 Abed-nego ; and Isaiah and Jeremiah ; and Zachari- 
 ah, and Zerobabel ; Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, 
 and the apostles ; Mary Magdalene, out of whom 
 were cast seven devils ; and the father of Zebedee's 
 children ; and Pontius Pilate, and the high priest ; 
 and Ananias and Saphira, and the seven trumpets in 
 \the Revelations, and the dragon, and the woman. 
 Amen. I add no more. 
 
 The lay people present were most pleased with 
 the last discourse ; and some of the youn-.er of the 
 clergy : But the more aged, gave the preference to 
 the first. Thus it seemed difficult to decide. 
 
 The Captain rising up, spoke: Gentlemen, said 
 he, the men seem both to have considerable gifts, 
 and I see no harm in letting them both preach. 
 There is work enough for them in this new coun- 
 try ; the first appears to me, to be more qualified for 
 the city, as a very methodical preacher ; but the last 
 is the most practical ; and each may answer a valu- 
 able purpose in their proper place. 
 
 The decision seemed judicious, and it was agreed 
 that they should both preach. The man who had 
 been the yarn merchant, than' ed their reverences, 
 and gave out that he would preach there that day 
 week, God willing. 
 
 The clergy were so much pleased with the Cap- 
 tain, that they gave him an invitation to 1,0 home 
 .with them to an elder's house, just by ; but recollect- 
 ^ ng the trouble he had with Teague on another oc- 
 casion, and the danger of being drawn into a like 
 predicament, should he foil into conversation with 
 the clergyman and ta e it into his head to preach, 
 he declined the invitation and hastened to get his 
 horse, and having Teague alongside, proceeded on 
 his journey. 
 
 N 2 
 
tU MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE ensuing day, the Captain arrived in a cer- 
 tain city, and put up at the sign of the Indian Queen. 
 Taking a day or two to refresh himself, and get a new 
 pair of breeches made, and his coat mended, which 
 was a little worn at the elbows, he went to look about 
 the city. The fourth day, when he had proposed to 
 set out to perambulate this modern Babylon, and 
 called for Teague to bring him his boots, there was 
 no Teague there. The hostler being called, with 
 whom he used to sleep, informed, that he had disap- 
 peared the day before. The Captain was alarmed : 
 and, from the recollection of former incidents, began 
 to enquire if there were any elections going on at 
 that time. As it so happened, there was one that 
 yery day. Thinking it probable the bog-trotter, hav- 
 ing still a hankering after an appointment, might of- 
 fer himself on that occasion he set out to the place 
 where the people were convened, to see if he could 
 discover Teague amongst the candidates. He could 
 see nothing of him ; and though he made enquiry, 
 he could bear no account. But the circumstance of 
 the election drawing his attention for some time, 
 he forgot Teague. 
 
I 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 13« 
 
 The candidates were all remarkably pot-bellied; 
 atid waddled in their gait. The Captain enquiring 
 what were the pretensions of these men to be elect- 
 ed; he was told, that they had all stock in the funds, 
 and lived in brick buildings ; snd some of them en- 
 tertained fifty people at a time, and eat and drank 
 abundantly ; and, living an easy life, and pampering 
 their appetites, they had swollen to this size. 
 
 It is a strange thing- said the Captain, that in the 
 ■country, in my route, they would elect no one but a 
 weaver, or a whisky-distiller; and here none but fat 
 swabs, that guzzle wine, and smoke segars. It was 
 not so in Greece, where Phocion came with his plain 
 coat, from his humble' dwelling, and directed the 
 counsels of the people ; or in Rome, where Cincin- 
 natus was made dictator from the plough. Some- 
 thing must be wrong, where the inflate, and pom- 
 pous are the objects of choice. Though there is one 
 good arising from it, that there is no danger of my 
 Teague here. He could not alTord to give a dinner; 
 and as to funds, he has not a single shilling in them. 
 They will make him neither mayor nor legislator in 
 this city. 
 
 Na fiiith. said Mr. M'Donald, the Scotch gentle- 
 man who had been present at the embarrassment of 
 the Captain, on the occasion of the former election, 
 and having, a few days before, come to the city, and 
 observing the Captain in the crowd, had come up to 
 accost him, just as he was uttering these last words 
 to himself: Na faith, said he, there is na danger of 
 Teague here, unless he had his scores o"* shares in 
 I the bank ; and was in league with the brokers, and 
 *i had a brick house at his hurdles, or a ship or twa on 
 the stocks. A great deal used to be done, by em- 
 ploying advocates with the tradesmen, to listen to the 
 news, and tell them fair stories ; but all is now lost 
 
1 
 
 136 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 in substantial interest, and the funds command 
 every thing. Besides, this city is swarming with 
 Teagues, and O'Re ,ans, and O'Brians, and O'Mur- 
 phys, and OTarrels ; I see, that they cannot be at 
 a loss without your bog-trotter. 
 
 The Captain having his fears eased in this parti- 
 cular, returned home greatly troubled, nevertheless, 
 that he could not come up with the Irishman. 
 
-MODERN CHIVALRY. 137 
 
 CHAPTER Vn. 
 
 REFLECTING with himself, that Teagiie was 
 addicted to women, and that he might have gone to 
 some of those houses, which are not in the best re- 
 pute with the religious part of the community^ the 
 Captain thought it might not be amiss to make en- 
 .<quiry. Being informed by the waiter, that he had 
 overheard gentlemen at the house, in their cups, 
 speak of a certain Mrs. Robeson, wlro i^ept a house 
 of that kind ; and, as far as he could understand, it 
 was in such a part of the city, a few doors from 
 such a street. 
 
 The Captain having set out, coming into the 
 neighbourliood, and making enquiry, was directed to 
 the house. Knocking, and on a servant coming to 
 the door, enquiring for Mrs. Robeson, he v/as shewn 
 into a parlour, and in a little time the old lady en* 
 tered. Being seated, he took the liberty of address- 
 ing her: Madam, said he, I am not unacquainted 
 with the stile and designation of your house. Why 
 as to that, said she, we do the best we can ; but the 
 times are hard, and it is a very difficult thing to pick 
 «p a good looking healthy girl, now a days. So ma- 
 ny young women, since the war is over, having ta- 
 i^en to virtuous ways, and got married, has almost 
 
138 MODERN CHIVALRY. I 
 
 broke us up. But I have been fortunate enough to 
 li^^'ht upon one, yesterday, that is a rare piece, just 
 from the country, and I am sure 
 
 It is not in the way that you mean, madam, said 
 the Captain, that I take the liberty to call upon you. 
 I have a servant man, of the name of Teague O'Re- 
 gan, that is fond of women, and has been absent 
 some days ; and it has occurred to me, that he may 
 have come to your house, or some other of the like 
 kind; and may be skulking, to avoid my service. 
 As he has little or no money, it is impossible he can 
 be much in your way, and I could make it better 
 worth your while to inform on him, and surrender 
 him up. 
 
 Teague O'Regan, said the old lady I snuffing; 
 Teague O'Reganl I would have you know, sir, 
 that no Teague O'Regans come here ; we keep a 
 house for the tirst gentlemen, not for waiters or un-> 
 derstrappers, or any of the common sorts. There is 
 no half-crown or five shilling pieces here. Teague 
 O'Regan indeed ! there is no Teague O'Regan at 
 this house. We have meat for his master. I was 
 saying there was a young woman just now from the 
 country, that looks more like a woman of family, 
 than a country girl ; but is so melancholy and mo- 
 pish, that she scarcely speaks, and stands in need of 
 some one to talk to her, and keep her in spirits. She 
 is fit for any gentleman. Teague O'Regan! Humph 
 There is no Teague O'Regan puts his foot into my 
 door. 
 
 The Captain assured her, that he by no means 
 meant to give offence. That though the bog-trotter 
 could not have access to her first rooms; yet he did 
 not know but he might have got in with some of her 
 under maids, and be about the kitchen. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. I3f 
 
 The lady, being now appeased on the score of 
 Teagiie, was in a good humour, and renewed her 
 hints to the Captain, with respect to the young wo- 
 man. She is, said she, as good a looking girl as 
 ever came to my house ; and has not seen a single 
 person but yourself, whom she has not yet seen ; but 
 may see, if you chuse ; and a v^gr pretty girl she is ; 
 but keeps mopish and melancholy, as if she was 
 crossed in love, and had come to town for fear of her 
 relations, and v.islies to keep out of sight of every 
 body. 
 
 The Captain being no stranger to the art these 
 matrons use in their addresses, to enhance the value 
 of their wares, was but little moved with the recom- 
 mendation she had given. But as there were some 
 circumstances in the account of the young woman, 
 that were a little striking, his curiosity was excited 
 to let her be called in, and present herself. Accor- 
 dingly, the old lady stepping out, a young woman 
 made her appearance, of considerable beauty; but 
 in her countenance, expressions of woe. Her blue 
 ■eye seemed involved in mist ; for she shed no tears ; 
 , lier sorrow was beyond that. 
 
 Young woman, said the Captain, it is easy to per- 
 ceive that you have not been in this way of life long ; 
 and that you have been brought to it, perhaps, by 
 ■ some uncommon circumstances. My humanity is 
 interested; and it occurs to me to ask, by what 
 means it has come to pass. The part which he 
 seemed to take in her distress, inspiring her with 
 confidence ; and being requested by him to relate 
 her story frankly, she began as follows : 
 
 My father, said she, lives at the distance of about 
 twenty miles from this city, and is a man of good 
 estate. I have two brothers, but no sisters. My 
 
140 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 mother dying when I was at the age of fourteen, I 
 becan^e house-keeper for the family. 
 
 There was a young man that used to come to the 
 same church to which we v/ent. He was of the ve- 
 ry lowest class, mean in his appearance, of homely 
 features, and a diminutive person. Yet he had the 
 assurance to put l^inself in my way on every occa- 
 sion ; endeavounng*to catch my eye ; for he did not 
 dare to speak to me. But I hated him, and was al- 
 most resolved to stay at home on Sundays, to avoid 
 him ; for he began to be very troublesome. His at- 
 tentions to me- were taken notice of by my brothers. 
 They were confident that I must give him some en- 
 couragement, or he would not make such advances. 
 My father was of the same opinion. I assured 
 them I had never given him any encouragement, 
 and I never would ; that I was as much averse to 
 him as possible. 
 
 I shunned him and hated him. He persisted a 
 long time^, almost two years, and seemed to become 
 melancholy, and at last went away from the neigh- 
 bourhood ; and, as I heard afterwards, to sea. I be- 
 gan now to reflect upon his assiduity, and endeavors 
 to engage my afFections. I recollected every cir- 
 cumstance of his conduct towards me, since the first 
 time I was obliged to take notice of him. I reason- 
 ed with myself, that it was no fault of his, if his fa- 
 mily was low; and if he himself had not all that 
 comeliness of person which I Avished in a husband ; 
 yet he was sufficiently punished in his presumption 
 in thinking of me, by what he must have suffered, 
 and by his going to sea, which he did to get out of 
 my sight, finding his attempts to gain my affectons 
 hopeless. I dreamed of him, and scarcely a mo- 
 ment of the day passed, but my thoughts were run- 
 ning on the danger to which he was exposed. It 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. Ul 
 
 seemed to me that if he came back, I should be 
 more kind to him. I might at least shew him, that 
 I was not insensible of his attachment. 
 
 In about a year he returned, and the moment I sa^ 
 him, I loved him. He did not dare to come to my 
 father's house. But I could ^^help giving* him 
 encouragement, by my countt^Pfce, when I met 
 him in public. Emboldened by this, he at last ven- 
 tured to speak to me, and I agreed that he might 
 come to a peach orchard, at some distance from my 
 father's house, and that I would give him an inter- 
 view. There he came often, and with a most lowly 
 and humble behaviour, fixed my regard for him. 
 Not doubting the violence of his love for me, and 
 my ascendency over him, I at last put myself in his 
 power. Becoming pregnant, I hinted marriage, 
 but what was my astonishment to find, that, on vari- 
 ous pretences, he evaded it, and as I became more 
 fond, he became more cold, which had no other ef- 
 fect, than to make me more ardent than before. It 
 had been usual for many months, to meet me every 
 evening at this place, but now I had gone often, 
 and did not find him there. At last he withdrew al- 
 together, and I heard he had left the settlement. 
 Worthless and base, as I now knew him to be ; and, 
 though my reason told me, that in person he was 
 still as homely as I first thought him, yet I continu- 
 ed to love him to distraction. 
 
 What was my distress, when my father, and my 
 brothers,rfound that I was with child ? They char- 
 ged me, though unjustly, of having deceived them 
 with respect to my attachment to this low creature, 
 from the first: In fine, my father dismissed me 
 from the house : My brothers, no less relenting than 
 him, in their resentment against me, upbraided me 
 with the offers I had refused, and the treutment I 
 
 VOL. I. o 
 
 / 
 
142 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 had given several gentlemen, in their advances to 
 me. For, indeed, during the absence of this worth- 
 less man, I had been addressed by several, but my 
 pity and compassion for the wretch, had so wrought 
 upon me, that I could not think of any, or scarcely 
 bear them to spe^^o me. 
 
 Dismissed frol^Py father's house, even my youn- 
 ger brother, who was most soft and yielding in his 
 nature, seeming to approve of it, I went to the habi- 
 tation of a tenant of my father ; there remained some 
 time, and endeavoured to make compensation, by 
 the labour of my hands, for the trouble I was giving 
 them. But these poor people, thinking my father 
 would relent, had informed him where I was, and 
 of the care they had taken of me. The consequence 
 was, that, at the end of three months, he sent for 
 the child, of which I had been brought to bed some 
 weeks before, but ordered them instantly to dismiss 
 me, that I might never more offend his hearing 
 with my name. 
 
 I wandered to this city, and the first night lay in 
 the market-house, upon a bench. The next morn- 
 ing mixed with the women that came to market, 
 and enquired for work of any kind. I could find 
 none ; but at last meeting with a young woman who 
 felt for my distress, she told me, that she had a small 
 room in this city, where she had lived some time 
 with an aunt that was lately dead, and that now she 
 supported herself by doing a little in the millinery 
 way ; that if I would come and take breakfast with 
 her, and see where she lived, I was welcome. Go- 
 ing with the poor girl, I found her lonely and dis- 
 tressed enough. Nevertheless I continued with her 
 several months. But the work was small that we 
 got to do, and times becoming still worse, I was 
 obliged to sell the clothes that I brought with me, to 
 
f 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 143 
 
 the last pefticoat and short gown, to support our* 
 selves and pay rent. To bring me to the last stage 
 of misery, the poor girl, who was more expert than I 
 was, in making any little provision that could be 
 made, fell sick, and in a short time died. I could 
 bear to stay no longer in the room, and comin.^ out 
 to wander in the streets, like a Iflprn wretch indeed, 
 
 
 and sobbing sorely by myself, ^hen I thought no 
 one heard me, I was observed by this v/oman, at 
 whose house you now are, and pressed by her to go 
 home. I soon found what sort of a house it was, 
 and had I not been watched, when I talked of going 
 away, and threaten<°d to be sent to jail, for what it is 
 pretended I owe since I came to the house, I should 
 not have been here longer than the first day. 
 
 The Captain feeling with great sensibility the cir- 
 cumstances of her story, made reply: Said he, 
 young woman, I greatly commiserate your history 
 and situation, and feel myself impelled to revenge 
 your wrong. But the villain which has thus inju- 
 red you, is out of my reach, in two respects ; first, 
 by distance ; and second, being too contemptible and 
 base to be pursued by my resentment, ev^n on your 
 account. But revenge is not your object, but sup- 
 port and restoration to your friends, and the good 
 opinion of the world. As to money, it is not in my 
 power to advance you any great sum ; but as far as 
 words can go, I could wish to serve you: not v/ords 
 to yourself only, but to others, in your behalf. It is 
 evident to me, that you have suffered by your own 
 too great sensibility. It was humanity and genero- 
 sity, that engaged you in his favour. It was your 
 imagination, that gave those attractions to his vile 
 and uncomely person, by which you was seduced. 
 You have been a victim to your own goodness, and 
 not to his merit. The warmth of your heart has 
 
144 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 overcome the strength of your judgment ; and you^ 
 prudence has been subdued by your passion : or, ra- 
 ther, indeed, confiding in a man whom you had sa- 
 ved from all the pains and heart-felt miseries of un- 
 successful love, you have become a sacrifice to your 
 compassion and tenderness. The best advice I can 
 give you, is, to Mjbpose yourself for this night. 
 Preserve your virtue; for I do net consider you as 
 having lost it: your mind has not been in fault, or 
 contaminated. I will endeavour to find out some 
 person who may be disposed to assist you; and, 
 though it may be difficult for you yet to establish 
 lost fame, it is not impossible. So saying, he left 
 the room; but the young woman, impressed with 
 these last words especially, viz. the difficulty, if not 
 impossibility of regaining reputation, sunk down up- 
 on her chair, and could not pay him the compli- 
 ment of thanks, at his departure. 
 
 During the night, through the Avhole of which he 
 lay awake, at the public house, he iniminated on the 
 extraordinary nature of this incident, and the means 
 which he would adopt to recover this woman from 
 her unfortunate situation. 
 
 Thought he, I am in a city where there are a 
 great body of the people called Quakers. This so- 
 ciety, above all others, is remarkable for humanity, 
 and charitable actions. There is a female preacher 
 of whom I have heard, a Lydia Wilson : I will in- 
 form this good woman of the circumstance; and, if 
 she gives me leave, I will bring this stray sheep to 
 her; she may have it in her power to introduce her 
 to some place, where, by ncedlc-work, and industry, 
 she might live, until it may be in my power, taking 
 a journey to her father, and stating the case, and gi- 
 ving my sentiments, to restore her to her family. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 145 
 
 Early next morning, as soon as it could be presu- 
 med, the Quaker lady had set her house in order; 
 that is, after the family might be supposed to have 
 breakfasted, which was about nine o'clock, the Cap- 
 tain set out ; and being admitted, stated to Mrs. Wil- 
 son the exact circumstances as before related. The 
 pious woman readily undertook every office in her 
 power. Accordingly, taking leave, the Captain set 
 out for the house of Mrs. Robe^jjn. 
 
 At the door he met a number of men coming out, 
 and, on enquiry, he found a coroner's inquest had 
 , just sat on the body of a young woman of the house, 
 who had, the preceding evening, suspended herself 
 from the bed-post with her garter. He was struck, 
 suspecting it must be the young woman whom he 
 had so much in his thoughts. Going in, and enqui-' 
 Ting, he found it to be the case; and that they pro- 
 '"■ posed to bury as soon as the few boards of a coffin 
 could be got ready. As a man of humanity, he 
 could not but shed tears, and blame himself that he 
 had not given her stronger assurance of his inter- 
 position before he left her, that she might not have 
 fallen into despair, and taken away her life. 
 
 The coffin being now ready, the funeral set out, 
 not for the burying-ground of a church-yard, but for 
 a place without the city, called the Potter's-field : 
 For suicides forfeit christian burial : Her obsequies 
 attended, not by a clergyman in front, nor by scarfed 
 mourners, holding up the pall ; nor was she borne 
 on a bier, but drawn on a cart ; and the company 
 that followed her uncovered herse, were not decent 
 matrons, nor venerable men, but old bauds, and 
 strumpets, and cullies, half di'unk, making merry as 
 Uiey went along^ 
 
 2 
 
145 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Being interred, they returned home ; but the Cap- 
 tain remaining some time, contemplating the grave, 
 thus spoke : 
 
 Earth, thou covcrest the body of a lovely woman, 
 and with a mind not less lovely ; yet doomed in her 
 burial, to the same ground with unknown persons 
 and malefactors ; not that I think the circumstance 
 makes any difference, but it shews the opinion of 
 the world with respdpt to thy personal demerit. Nor 
 do I call in question the justness of this opinion, 
 having such circumstances whereon to found it. 
 But I reflect with myself how much opinion, opera- 
 ting like a general law, may do injustice. It remains 
 only with heaven's chancery to reach the equity of 
 the case, and, in its decision, absolve her from a 
 crime ; or at least qualify that which was the excess 
 of virtue. If the fair elements that compose her 
 frame, shall ever again unite, and rise to life, and as 
 the divines suppose, her form receive its shape and 
 complexion from her mental qualities and conduct 
 on earth, she will lose nothing of her beauty ; for 
 her daring disdain of herself and fate, was a mark 
 of repentance,. ...stronger than all tears. Yet, had 
 she acted the nobler part, of holding herself in life, 
 preserving her mind and body chaste until famine 
 had taken her away, or the hand of heaven moved 
 for her relief, she had shone, at the last rising, with 
 superior brightness ; been ranked amongst the first 
 beauties of heaven, and walked distinguished in the 
 paradise of God. Doubtless the Almighty must 
 blame, and chide her for this premature and rash 
 step. Fallen to the last point of depression, he was 
 about to relieve her, and the sequel of her days 
 might have been happy and serene. It was a dis- 
 trust of his providence. She heard my words, tho' 
 she did not know my heart. And surely it was my 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 147 
 
 intention to relieve her. But she erred against my 
 thoughts; she eluded the grasp of my humanity. 
 For this she will be reprimanded by the Most High, 
 and fail of that super-eminent glory which awaits 
 heroic minds. Yet, O world, thou dost her wrong, 
 in sentencing her to so low a bed. Shall the weal- 
 thy, but dishonest men ; matrons chaste, but cold 
 and cruel in their feelings ; shall these have a stone 
 built over them, and occupy a consecrated spot, 
 whilst thou, unworthy, art throM^n amongst the rub- 
 bish of carcases, swept from jails ; or of emigrants, 
 unknown as to their origin and place. 
 
 Farewell, lovely form, whom late I knew: and 
 let the grass grow green upon thy grave. Thy sor- 
 rows are expunged ; but mine are awake ; and will 
 be so, until I also come to the shades invisible, and 
 have the same apathy of heart with thee. 
 
U» MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 BOOK IV. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 RETURNING to his lodgings, he could not 
 help reflecting by the way, that probably poor 
 Teague, mortified by repeated disappointments, in 
 going to Congress, being suffered to preach, or be a 
 member of the Philosophical society ; and what might 
 afflict him still more, the not marrying the rich hos- 
 tess, who had made him overtures, might, in his 
 despair of ever coming forward in any respectable 
 capacity in life, have suspended himself from a 
 beam, or plunged into the river, and have put an end 
 to his existence, which, should it be the case, being 
 in some measure accessary to this catastrophe of the 
 bog-trotter, by dissuading from these several preten- 
 sions, he could not acquit himself of guilt; at all 
 events, he would feel great pain and sorrow. 
 
 Such were his reflections for a great part of this 
 day, and he had thought of putting an advertisement 
 in the paper, to know if any dead body had been 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 14^ 
 
 lately discovered, or inquisition held on a young 
 man with red hair, and a long leg, who had been 
 missing some days, and was supposed to have hung 
 or drowned himself. But in the evening, medita- 
 ting thus, mention being made by some of the lod- 
 gers, of goin:^ to hear the annual oration, delivered 
 before the Philosophical Society, by a member, it 
 struck his mind, that possibly Teague, falling in 
 with some of this body, had been induced by them 
 to take a seat, and might be present on that occasion. 
 Not hesitating, therefore, he seconded the proposal 
 of going, and offered to be of the party. 
 
 Coming to the hall, the philosophers were seated, 
 but a black member sat with a taper belore him, 
 who, it seems, was to deliver the oration. 
 
 The fact was this : A gentleman of Maryland, of 
 the name of Gorum, had sent to the society, some 
 time before, a curiosity, found by one of his negroes 
 in the mud of Wye river, on the banks of which his 
 seat was. It appeared to be a stone, with a cavity 
 sufficient to receive a man's foot, and was adjudged 
 by the society to be an Indian's petrified moccasin. 
 The singularity of the discovery, well intitling the 
 gentleman to a seat, he was invited ; but sending his 
 compliments, he gave them to understand, that Cuff, 
 (for that was the name of the negro) was more inti- 
 tledtothat honour than he was, being the person 
 who had found the curiosity ; and as he made it a 
 point to do his slaves justice in any perquisite of their 
 own, he could not think of robbing one, on this occa- 
 sion of any honour, to which he might be introduced 
 by this discovery. 
 
 The society approved his honesty and fair dealing, 
 and by unanimous ballot, admitted the negro, who, 
 having been a member some time, had been appoint-- 
 ed to pronounce the annual oration. Guff, a good 
 
150 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 deal disconcerted in hearing of the task imposed up- 
 on him, had applied to his master to know what to 
 say. Colonel Gorum attending a good deal to lite- 
 rary matters, had heard of an oration delivered be- 
 fore the society, the object of which was, to prove 
 that the Africans had been once white, had sharp 
 noses, and long hair; but that by living in sun-burnt 
 climates, the skin had changed colour, the hair be- 
 come frizzled, and in the course of generation, the 
 imagination of the mother, presenting obtruse ob- 
 jects, had produced an offspring with flat noses. He 
 therefore gave Cuff to understand, that it would be 
 doing no more than justice to his countrymen, for he 
 was a Guinea negro; if he should avail himself of this 
 occasion, to prove that men were all once black, and 
 that by living in snowy countries, and being bleach- 
 ed by the weather, the skin had gradually become 
 white, and the hair moist and long, and the imagina- 
 tion presenting prominent objects to the mothers, 
 or the fathers differing among themselves, and pull- 
 ing one another by this part, had given the long and 
 pointed nose. 
 
 Cuff, thus prepared, set out : having arrived, and 
 being on this occasion to harangue, began as fol- 
 lows :.... 
 
 THE ORATION. 
 
 Massa shentiman; I be cash crab in de Wye 
 river: found ting in de mud ; tone, big a man's foot : 
 holes like to he ; fetch Massa: Massa say, it be de 
 
 Indian moccason Ol fat de call it ; all tone. lie 
 
 say, you be a iilasafa, Cuff: I say, O no, Massa, 
 you be de filasafa. Wei; two tree monts afta, Mas- 
 sa call me, and say, You be a filasafa, Cuff, fo' sar- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 151 
 
 tan : Getta ready, and go dis city, and make grate 
 peech for shentima filasafa. I say, fat say, Massa ? 
 Massa say, sombody say, dat de first man was de 
 fite man ; but you say, dat de first man was de black 
 a-man. Vel, I set out : came along : Massa gi 
 me pass. Some say, where you go Cuff ? I say, dis 
 city, be a filasafa. O no Cuff, you be no filasafa : 
 call me fool, gi me kick i'de backside ; fall down, 
 get up again, and come to dis city. 
 
 Now, shentima, I say, dat de first man was de 
 black a-man, and de first woman was de black a-wo- 
 man ; an get two tree children ; de rain vasha dese, 
 an de snow pleach, an de coula come brown, yella, 
 coppa coula, and, at de last, quite fite ; an de hair 
 long ; an da fal out vid van anoda ; and van cash by 
 de nose, an pull ; so de nose come lang, sharp nose. 
 
 Now I go home, Massa shentima ; an tel grate 
 Massa, dat make peech, an ibedy body vas da ; an 
 
 den Cuff fin a more tings cabs, oysta, cat-fish, 
 
 bones, tones, ibedy ting.. ..sen to you, shentima. 
 
 The oration being ended, the society could do no 
 less than appoint a committee to wait on Mr. Cuff, 
 and request a copy of his oration, that it might be 
 published. 
 
 But the Captain, in the mean time, had examined, 
 with great attention, the whole audience, but could 
 not discover Teague. Departing, therefore, with 
 the rest, his thoughts recurred to his first idea, viz. 
 that the unfortunate creature had committed suicide. 
 Drawing up, therefore, an advertisement, he sent it 
 to a daily paper: but, though it appeared next morn- 
 ing, and the day elapsed, there was no word of 
 Teague. 
 
52 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER n. 
 
 THERE is no fact that has proved more stub- 
 bom than the diversity of the human species ; espe- 
 cially that great extreme of diversity in the natives 
 of Africa. How the descendants of Adam and Eve, 
 both good looking people, should ever come to be a 
 vile negro, or even a mulatto man or woman, is puz- 
 zling. 
 
 Some have conjectured, that a black complexion, 
 frizzled hair, a flat nose, and bandy legs, were the 
 mark set on Cain, for the murder of his brother 
 Abel. But, as the deluge drowned the whole world 
 and only one family was saved, the blacks must 
 have all perished; like the Mammoth, whose bones 
 are found on the Ohio, and other places, which was 
 too big for Noah to get into the ark. 
 
 Some suppose, that it was the curse pronounced 
 upon Canaan, the son of Noah, for looking at his fa- 
 ther's nakedness. They got rid by this means of 
 the difficulty of the flood ; but by Moses' own account 
 the Canaanites were the descendants of Canaan; 
 and we do not hear of them being negroes, which, 
 had it been the case, we cannot doubt would have 
 been laid hold of by the Israelites, as a circiftnstance 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. \5^ 
 
 to justify their extirpating, or making slaves of 
 them. 
 
 Lord Kaimes, in his Sketches of the History of 
 Man, solves the difficulty, by supposing, that, at the 
 building of Babel, there was a confusion of com- 
 plexions, as well as languages. But, besides that 
 it is not to be supposed that the historians would 
 pass over so material % circumstance, without par- 
 ticularly mentioning it, it is introducing a miracle, 
 which we are not warranted in doing, unless it had 
 been expressly laid down to have been wrought. 
 
 The last theory, has been that of accounting for 
 the change, from the climate, and accident of wind 
 and weather ; calling in aid, in the mean time, the 
 imagination of the motliers. This does not appear 
 altogether satisfactory. At least, there are those 
 who would not be averse to hear some other solution 
 of the difficulty. I have thought of one, which I 
 would suggest with great diffidence ; the authors of 
 those before me being great men, and their hypo- 
 thesis not to be lightly overthrown. 
 
 I am of opinion that Adam was a tall, straight 
 limbed, red haired man, with a fair complexion, 
 blue eyes, and an aquihne nose, and that Eve was a 
 negro woman. 
 
 For what necessity to make them both of the 
 same colour, feature, and form, when there is beau- 
 ty in variety. Do not you see in a tulip, one leaf 
 bluf , and another white, and sometimes the same 
 leaf white and red? 
 
 As God made Adam in his own likeness, so it is 
 to be supposed, that Adam begat some in his, and 
 these were red haired, fair complexioned, blue eyed, 
 proportionabiy featured boys and girls, while, on the 
 other hand, some took after the mother, and became 
 negro men and women. From a mixture of com- 
 
 VOL, I, p 
 
154 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 plexion, the offspring, at other times, might be a 
 shade darker, in one case, than the father ; and a 
 shade lighter, in another case, than the mother, and 
 hence a diversifyed progeny, with a variety of fea- 
 tures, from the bottle-nose to the mire-snipe, which 
 is that of the people in the west of Ireland ; and from 
 the auburn of the Corsican hair, to the golden locks 
 of the Caledonian beauty ; and from the black eye to 
 the hazle and the grey. * 
 
 It may be asked, how at the flood, when Noah, 
 his wife, his three sons, and their wives, eight per^ 
 sons, only were sayed? It is but giving some of the 
 ^ons negro wenches for their wives, and you have 
 Jhe matter all right. 
 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 155 
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 AS i have said, the day passed over, and there 
 was no word of Teague. In the evening, as it was 
 usual with the gentlemen at the Indian Queen, to gq 
 to some place for the amusement of an hour or two, 
 mention being made of a celebrated preaeher, a 
 Universalist, as he was called; that is, one who 
 preaches tlie doctrine of universal salvation ; it was 
 proposed to go to hear him, as he was to hold forth 
 that evening. The Captain readily consented, and 
 it struck him, that, as this was a new fangled doc- 
 trine, and the preacher had made a great noise^ and 
 as it was a doctrine that, conscious of a good deal of 
 fornication, would naturally please Teague, it was 
 not impossible but the Irishman might have become 
 a disciple of this reformist, and be at his conventicle. 
 
 Coming in amongst the crowd, and obtaining 
 seats, they saw the preacher ascend the pulpit, an^ 
 after the preliminary exercise of psalms and prayer, 
 take a text, and begin his sermon. 
 
 His text was taken from one of those passages of 
 scripture, which speaks of" the lion lying down with 
 the kid, and the tyger with the lamb," which have 
 been interpreted of the Millenium, but were applied 
 by him, to that period, when, as the sea shall give up 
 
156~ MODERN CHIVALHY. 
 
 her dead, so hell shall give up her damned, and the 
 devil himself shall come to lick salt out of the hand 
 of an angel. 
 
 Enlarging on this doctrine, and supporting it with 
 a variety of proofs from scripture, and arguments 
 from reason, he seemed to have brought the matter 
 to a point, answering all objections, and closing in 
 ivith the hearer. At this stage, using that figure of 
 oratory, which is usual in the pulpit, of asking ques- 
 tions, and pressing for an answer, but expecting 
 none ; he would say, is not this conclusive ? Is it not 
 evident ? Is there any here can advance an argument 
 
 against it? Will any of you speak I pause for an 
 
 jinswer ? 
 
 Mr. M'Donald, in the mean time, (the Scotch gen» 
 tleman, who happened to be there,) thinking him 
 really serious, and that he wanted an answer, or ta- 
 king advantage of the pause and the interrogation, 
 to speak his mind, leaning over the front of a back 
 seat, made reply : 
 
 , Why, said he, I like the doctrine well enough, 
 and ha' na' disposition to o*er throw it. I dinna 
 inuckle care if there ware na' hell ava. If ye could 
 mal^e that out, I wad rather hear it, than o' being 
 smoaked twa' or three thousand years in the devil's 
 nuke, or singed wi' his burnt brimstone, even if 
 we should get out afterwards. Ye need na' put 
 yourself in a passion, or be flee'd that you'll no get 
 proselytes, for I shall warrant you, as many every 
 night as ye can weel stow awa i' the conventicle. 
 
 The preacher giving thanks to God for the success 
 in his ministry, in the remarkable conversion of the 
 mian who spoke, the Scotch gentleman said again, 
 ye need na ca' it a conversion, for I ha' been o' the 
 same opinion a' my life, that it was a sare thing to 
 bide the kiln of hell, and they wad deserve mucklc 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 157 
 
 thanks wha could establish that we should na' stay 
 long in it, or that there was na' such place ava. 
 
 The preacher commenting upon this, observed 
 that some were orthodox from their birth, like Jere- 
 miah, who was sanctified in his mother's womb, 
 but others were hardly brought to the truth with 
 much teaching and instruction. That the present 
 was a happy instance of one who was in the right 
 way from his very early years. 
 
 The Captain in the mean time, had been thinking 
 of the doctrine, and thought it reasonable to sup- 
 pose, that the Almighty might relieve after some 
 time, and let the devils go. Just as with himself at 
 present in the case of Teague : if he had got his 
 hands on the bog-trotter, he could not help being 
 very angry, and would be disposed to punish him 
 with great severity, but after some time he knew 
 his passion would subside, and he would forget his 
 delinquencies. 
 
 Teague in this manner running in his head, as the 
 people, after some epilogue of prayer and benedic- 
 tion, being dismissed, were retiring, he got up, and 
 raising his voice, begged the audience to detain a 
 
 little Good people, said he, if any of you should 
 
 come across a young man, a servant of mine, of the 
 name of Teague 0*Regaii, I shall thank you to send 
 me notice to the Indiai> Queen, where I lodge. 
 And, according to the advertisement in this day's 
 paper, I will give two dollars reward. 
 
 Thinking him deranged in ins, brain, they pro- 
 ceeded, and tooli no notice of the proclamation. 
 
 r 2 
 
15S MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 CONTAINING OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 IN the infancy of Christianity it was thought a 
 hard matter to get to heaven, and that when once in 
 hell, there was no getting out. A certain father of 
 the church, of the name of Origen, was the first to 
 be more liberal in his sentiments, and thought, that, 
 after a certain period, there would be a jail-delivery 
 of the damned. X do not know that he went so far 
 as to let the devils themselves out upon a furlough, 
 but at the present time, we all know very well, that 
 the time will come when they will be out all toge- 
 ther: at least the universalists tell us this, and 
 prove it. 
 
 The doctrine was received in some part by the 
 early councils, but in other parts rejected. The 
 matter was compounded by establishing a purgatory, 
 for not consenting to liberate from hell, in order to 
 satisfy the advocates of a temporary punishment^ 
 they fixed up a middle place, where all the advanta- 
 ges of penal purgation could be enjoyed, without the 
 necessity of contradicting the eternity of hell tor- 
 ments. 
 
p 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. n9. 
 
 Indeed under the catholic church, the straight 
 gate and the narrow way, and the many called and 
 few chosen, was a good deal laid aside, and the road 
 made pretty plain by indulgencies and absolutions. 
 But at the reformation, the matter was brought 
 back to its old bed again, and the cry of there being 
 but a remnant saved, was raised in every pulpit. 
 There has been some relaxation of late years with 
 almost every sect of protestants ; and there is not 
 just such a fury of tumbling great crowds into the 
 tolbooth, as there was in the days of John Knox, 
 and the framers of the Westminster confession of 
 faith, and the catechisms. Dr. Bellamy, a New- 
 England divine, some years ago, stated in his pam- 
 phlet, that the damned would be to the saved, as the 
 malefactors of a country to honest people, that came 
 to an untimely end by jail or jibbet. Some now 
 preach boldly, not perhaps a total exemption from 
 future punishment, but a final restoration from it ; 
 so that the matter is now brought nearly to what it 
 was in the days of Origen. I do not know that I 
 would be of opinion with the Scotch gentleman, and 
 wish the matter carried farther, establishing^ that 
 there is no hell at all; because if the thing should 
 take a turn, it might go to the other extreme, and be 
 all hell, so that none should be saved ; and instead 
 of universal salvation, we should then have the doc- 
 trine of the damnation of the .--vhole, bodily. 
 
IGO MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE next day, revolving every thing in hiS 
 mind, it occurred to the Captain, that the Irishman 
 might have gone out of town, hearing of an election 
 at a district, and have been elected to Congress. 
 As that body was then sitting, he thought it could 
 be no great trouble to go to the house, and cast an 
 eye from the gallery, and see if the raggamuffin had 
 got there. There was one that had a little of the 
 brogue of Teague upon his tongue, but nothing of 
 his physiognomy; others had a good deal of his 
 manner, -but there was none that came absolutely up 
 to the physic of his person. 
 
 However, being here, the Captain thought it not 
 amiss to listen a while to the debates upon the car- 
 pet. A certain bill was depending, and made, it 
 seems, the order of the day. Mr. Cogan being on 
 the floor, spoke:.... Sir, said he, addressing himself 
 to the chair, the bill in contemplation, is, in my 
 opinion, of a dangerous tendency. I will venture to 
 fbrtel, that, if it goes into a law, the cows will have 
 fewer calves, and the sheep less wool ; hens will lay 
 fewer eggs, and cocks forget to crow day -light. The 
 horses will be worse shod, and stumble more ; our 
 watches go too slow ; corns grow upon our toes ; 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 161 
 
 young women have the stomach ach; old men the 
 gout; and middle aged persons fainting fits. The 
 larks will fall dead in the field ; the frogs croak till 
 they burst their bags ; and the leaves of the trees fall 
 before the autumn. Snow will be found in the heat 
 of harvest, and the dog-days in winter. The rivers 
 will revert; and the shadows fall to the east in the 
 morning. The moon will be eclipsed; and the 
 equinoxes happen at a wrong season of the year. 
 "Was it not such a bill as this, that changed the old 
 stile ; that made the eclipse in the time of Julius Ce- 
 sar ; that produced an earthquake at Jamaica, and 
 sunk Port Royal ? All history, both ancient and mo«- 
 dem, is full of the mischiefs of such a bill. I shall 
 therefore vote against it. 
 
 Mr. Bogan was now on the floor, and advocated 
 the good effects of the bill. 
 
 Sir, said he, addressing himself to the chair, I apt 
 pear in support of the bill. I say, it will have a. 
 good effect on the physical world especially. Th0 
 ducks will be fatter, the geese heavier, the swans 
 whiter, the red-birds sing better, and patridges 
 j come more easily into traps. It will kill rats, muz- 
 i zle calves, and cut colts ; and multiply the breed of 
 , oysters, and pickle cod-fish. It will moderate the 
 I sun*s heat, and the winter's cold ; prevent fogs, and. 
 \ cure the ague. It will help the natural brain, brace 
 the nerves, cure sore eyes, and the cholic, and re-^ 
 I move rheumatisms. Consult experience, and it will 
 be found, that provisions of the nature proposed by 
 this bill, have an astonishing influence in this res- 
 pect, where they have been tried. I must take the 
 [liberty to say, the gentleman's allegations are totally 
 unfounded; and he has committed himself, in the 
 matter of his history ; the earthquake in Jamaica not 
 happening in the time of Julius Cesar ; and there- 
 
162 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 fore could have nothing to do with the eclipse of the 
 sun. I shall, therefore, vote in favour of the bill. 
 
 Mr. Cogan rose to explain, and said, that he did 
 not say, that the earthquake at Jamaica was at the 
 same time with the eclipse of the sun, which hap- 
 pened at the birth of Julius Cesar. 
 
 Mr. Bogan rose to correct the gentleman: It was 
 not at the birth of Julius Cesar, but at his death, that 
 the earthquake happened. 
 
 Mr. Hogan was on the floor: Said, he thought he 
 could reconcile the gentlemen on that head. It was 
 well known Julius Cesar lived about the time of the 
 rebellion in Scotland, a little after Nebuchadnezzar, 
 king of the Jews. As to the earthquake, he did not 
 remember what year it happened, and therefore 
 could say nothing about it. 
 
 At this period, the question being called, it was 
 put, and carried by a majority of 25. 
 
 The Captain, satisfied with this sample of Con- 
 gressional debates; retired, and came to his lodgings^ 
 
r 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 16% 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 IT was about three or ;four o'clock in the after- 
 Booiif that some one, who read the advertisement 
 respecting Teague, came to the Captain, and inform- 
 ed him, that a person answering the description, 
 had been lately employed to teach Greek in the 
 University. Struck with the idea, that the bog-trot- 
 ter might have passed himself for a Greek scholar, 
 whereas he understood only Irish, he set out to the 
 University, to make enquiry. Knocking at the door 
 <>f the principal, he was admitted ; and being seated, 
 addressed him as follows : Said he, sir, a pedeseque 
 of mine, (for talking to the rector of a college, he did 
 not chuse to use the vulgar terms, waiter, or bog- 
 trotter,) a pedeseque of mine, whom^ I have found 
 useful, save that he is somewhat troublesome in 
 pretending to places of appointment for which he is 
 not qualified ; athing, by the bye, too common inthis 
 country; where men, without the aid of academic 
 knowledge, thrust themselves into places requiring 
 great learning and ability : (This he said to flatter 
 Jie man of letters ; as if a man could know but little 
 that had not been forged x)r furbished at his school.) 
 I say, this pedeseque of mine, has absconded for 
 liome days, and I have been able to collect no ac* 
 
164 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 count of him until last evening, that a person, ha- 
 ving read an advertisement of mine in the gazette, 
 came to me, and informed, that one answerihg the 
 description I had given, both as to appearance and 
 accomplishments, had been lately employed, as pro- 
 fessor of the Greek language, in this University. 
 Now^, though I well know this Pady, as I may call 
 him, to understand no Greek, yet, as he speaks 
 Irish, and has much assurance, and little honesty in 
 matters where his ambition is concerned, I did not 
 know but he might have imposed himself upon you 
 for a Greek scholar, and obtained a professorship. 
 
 The principal made answer, that it was true that 
 a person from Ireland had been lately employed in 
 that capacity, and that should he be discovered to 
 be an impostor, it would be using the University 
 very ill. The Captain thought so too, and taking it 
 for granted that it was Teague, expressed his sur- 
 prise that they had not examined him, before he 
 was admitted ; or at least had such proof by letters 
 as would have had ascertained his being qualified. 
 The principal observed, that as to examination, they 
 had no one at hand to examine, as there were none 
 of the trustees or professors of other branches in 
 the University understood Greek; as for himself he 
 did not, having not studied it in early life, and for a 
 series of years having given himself to politics and 
 mathematics ; so that unless they could send out 
 for a Roman Catholic priest, or a Scotch clergyman, 
 there was none to examine. The improbability of 
 any person passing himself, above all things, for a 
 master ofthe "Greek language on the score of under- 
 standing- Irish, was such, that it never came into 
 their heads to suspect it, so as to demand letters. 
 
 Had you known, said the Captain, this bog-trotter 
 of mine, (here he forgot the word pedeseque,) as 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 165 
 
 well as I do, you would not be surprised at his at- 
 tempting any thing ; and that he should be now in 
 your academy giving (ireek lectures, understanding 
 nothing but the vemacular tongue of his own coun- 
 try. Here he gave an account of his setting up for 
 Congress Sec. as explained in the preceding part of 
 this narrative. 
 
 However, wishing to see the raggamuffin, that he 
 might unkennel him, he was accompanied by the 
 principal to the chamber of the pseudo professor, 
 considering as he went along, in what manner he 
 should accost him ; whether he should break out up- 
 on him with a direct invective, or with ironical 
 words ; such as, Mr. Professor, you must be a very 
 learned man, not only to understand Irish, but 
 Greek: but perhaps the Greek and Irish language 
 are much the same. It must be so, for I know that 
 a few days ago, you did not understand a word of 
 this, and to acquire a dead language in such a short 
 time would be impossible, unless the living tongue 
 was a good deal a-kin to it. But I had never under- 
 stood that Irish had any more affinity to the language 
 of Athens and Sparta, than the Erse, or the German, 
 or the Welch ; however, we must live and learn, as 
 the saying is ; you have shewn us what we never 
 knew before. 
 
 Oonning a speech of this sort in his omti mind, 
 with a view to divert the principal, and amuse him- 
 self with Teague, he entered the chamber of the 
 professor, who satin an elbow chair, with Thucidy- 
 des before him. 
 
 What was the surprise of the Captain, to find tliat 
 \ it was not Teague. 
 
 In fact it was a person not wholly unlike him, es- 
 pecially in a tinge of the brogue which he betrayed 
 in his discourse ; for though the professor was realljr 
 
 VOL. I. Q^ 
 
166 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 a man of education, having been early sent to St; 
 Omer's, where he had studied, being intended for a 
 priest, and understood not only the Greek and La- 
 tin, but spoke French ; yet in the pronunciation of 
 the En,:5lish tongue, he had that prolongation of the 
 sound of a word, and articulation of the vowel O, 
 which constitutes what is vulgarly called the brogue, | 
 as being the pronunciation of the native Irish, who 
 jbeing a depressed people, are most of them poor, and 
 wear a kind of mean shoe which they call a brogue. 
 
 After an apology to the professor for mistaking 
 him for a certain Teague O'Regan, whom he had in 
 his employment ; at the request of the professor, 
 the principal and the Captain took seats. 
 
 The professor said, his name was not O'Regan, 
 being O'Dougherty, but he knew the O'Regans very 
 well in Ireland. There was a Pady O'Regan in the 
 same class with him at St. Omer's, when he read 
 Craike. That he was a good scholar, and under- 
 stood Craike very well ; and he would be glad if he 
 was over in this country to teach Craike here ; it ap- 
 peared to be a very scarce language, but he had be- 
 come a praste, and was now a missionary to Para- 
 guay, in South-America. 
 
 The Captain punning on his pronunciation of the 
 word Greek, and willing to amuse himself a little 
 with the professor, could not help observing, that he 
 was under a mistake as to the scarceness of the^ 
 Craike language in these States. That there were 
 whole tribes who spoke the Craike language ; there 
 was that of the heron, and the raven, and several 
 other fowls- A German professor who was present, 
 apprehending the Captain to be under a mistake, 
 and willin'^ to correct him, -observed.... It is, said he, 
 the Creek language, that the professor means. As 
 to that, said the Captain, it is also spoken plentifully 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 167 
 
 in America. There is a whole nation of Indians, on 
 the borders of South- Carolina and Georgia, that 
 speak the Creek language, men, women, and chil- 
 dren. 
 
 The professors knowing more of the classics than 
 of the geography of these United States, and of the 
 heatlien gods more than of the aborigines of this 
 countiy, expressed astonishment. If what you tell 
 me be a trut, said he, it is a crate discovery ; per- 
 haps dese may have de fragments o* de books de 
 philosophers and poets that are lost, and de profes- 
 €ors cannot come acrass in deir own countries ; but I 
 have tought dat de Craike language was spoke only 
 in de Morea, and a little in Russia and Constantino- 
 ple. 
 
 The Captain assured him, the principal favouring 
 the mistake, by a grave face, and bowing as the Cap- 
 tain spoke, that it was absolutely the vernacular 
 language of these people. 
 
 Why den, said the other, do dey not get profes- 
 sors from amongst dese to tache Craike in deir 
 colleges ? 
 
 Because, said the Captain, we have been hereto- 
 fore on hostile terms with these Indians, and it 19 
 but of late that we have made a peace. But now, it 
 is to be presumed, we shall have it in our power to 
 procure from them able teachers. 
 
 The professor was alarmed at this, as supposing 
 it would supercede the necessity of his services j or, 
 at least, much reduce the price of his tuition. He 
 could have wished he had not come to this quarter 
 of the world; and was almost ready in his own mind, 
 to bind up what he had, and go back to Clogher. 
 
 So ended their visit to the University, and the 
 Captain withdrew. 
 
168 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 IT may be thought a preposterous idea, that it j 
 could, for a moment, be supposed possible, that the ! 
 pedeseque could have had the assurance to pass 
 himself for a Grecian. But I had it from the Mar- 
 quis de la Luzerne, that a friend of his, who was in 
 some public capacity at Moscow, and was entertained i 
 by a principal inhabitant of the city, was asked by 
 him to visit an academy where the French language 
 was taught, and at which his son, a young lad, then 
 was. What was the surprise of the gentleman, to 
 find a Pady from Cork, who understood not a sin- 
 gle word of French, or Latin, teaching an unknown 
 fjibbeiish, which most probably was Irish ? 
 
f 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 169 
 
 CHAPTER VH. 
 
 OUR chevalier was now at his wits end, not be- 
 ing able to conceive of any other place of amusement 
 in which Teague might be found; when all at once 
 it came into his head, (led to it, perhaps, from the 
 reference, in his late conversation, to the Indian 
 tribes ) that probably he might have fallen in with 
 the Indian treaty-man, and have been prevailed upon 
 to personate a chief. It appeared to him, therefore, 
 adviscable to go directly to the secretary at war, to 
 know if any party of Indians had been lately there 
 to negociate a treaty. 
 
 Being introduced, and after some ceremony, ac- 
 costing the secretary, he gave him to understand 
 why it was that he had the honour to wait upon him, 
 viz. that he had a servant of the name of Teague 
 O'Regan, an Irishman, who had been absent some 
 days, and that from a circumstance which happened 
 in the way to the city, he had reason to suspect, he 
 might have been picked up by a certain Indian trea- 
 ty-man, to supply the place of a Welch blacksmith, 
 who had died, and had passed for a chief of the 
 Kickapoos. 
 
 The secretary was a good deal chagrined, believ- 
 ing the Captain to be some wag, that had come to 
 <^2 
 
iro MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 make this enquiry by way of burlesque on the Indian 
 treaties; and with some irritation of mind, gave him 
 to understand, that there had been no Indian treaty- 
 man, or Kickapoo chief there ; that no treaty had 
 been held with the Indians for above a month past, 
 since the king of the Togamogans had drawn goods; 
 but treaty or no treaty, it ill became him, in the ap- 
 pearance of a gentleman, to throw a burlesque upon 
 government, by insinuating that his Irishman could 
 be imposed upon them for a chief. 
 
 I mean no burlesque, said the Captain, a little ir- 
 ritated in his turn ; 1 have had too much trouble to 
 keep him from the Indian treaty-man that was co- 
 ming here, to be disposed to jest with so serious an 
 affair. The hair-breadth escape of going to Con- 
 gress, or being licensed as a preacher, or being cho- 
 sen as a member of the philosophical society, was 
 nothing to this, as it was so diiiicult to guard against 
 it, the Indian recruiters imitating savages, not only 
 in their dress and painting, but in the dexterity to 
 way-lay and surprise. 
 
 I wish you to know, sir, said the secretary, that I 
 comprehend your burlesque very well. But though 
 you and others may misrepi esv;nt our policy in the 
 Indian treaties, it is base iicny and riJicule to insi- 
 nuate that the Indians we treat with are not chiefs. 
 
 Chiefs, or no chiefs, said the Captain^ I am not 
 saying, nor care; but only wish to know if you have 
 been instituting any treaty with my Tea2,ue, who has 
 been absent some days. 
 
 I will be much obliged to you to withdraw from 
 my office,, said the secretary. 
 
 I shall withdraw, said the Captain, and not with 
 that respect for your understanding and politeness 
 which I cQuld have wished to entertain. I have ad- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 171 
 
 dressed you with civility, and I was entitled to a ci- 
 vil answer ; but I see the " insolence of office,'* is 
 well enumerated by the poet, amongst the evils that 
 make us sick of life. Your humble servant, Mon- 
 sieur Secretary, I shall trouble you no further. 
 
in MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER VHI. 
 
 RETURNING to the Indian Queen, a play- 
 bill for the evening had announced the performance 
 of the tragedy of Macbeth, and a farce called the 
 Poor Soldier. A party of the gentlemen from the 
 public house, had taken a box, and the Captain 
 agreed to go with them to the play. Having deli- 
 vered their tickets, and being admitted to the box, it 
 struck the Captain to cast his eye upon the pit and 
 galleries, and observe if he could any where descry 
 the physiognomy of Teague. As before, when with 
 the same view he surveyed the members of Con- 
 gress, he could discover »everal that a good deal re- 
 sembled him; but yet not the identical person. The 
 curtain being now drawn, the play began. Nothing 
 material occurred during the performance of the 
 tragedy, save that when the witches came in, there 
 was one in her cap and broomstick whose features a 
 good deal resembled the Irishman's, and who, had 
 she not been an old woman, and a witch, might have 
 passed for Teague. The Captain was struck with 
 the resemblance of features, and long frame of the 
 bog-trotter, covered with a short gown and petticoat j 
 and borrowing a glass from one that sat in the box 
 with him, endeavoured to reconnoitre more perfect- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 1^3 
 
 ly, and could have sworn that it was the mother or 
 sister of Tea ue, that had just came from Ireland, 
 and joined the company. 
 
 The tragedy being ended, the farce began to be 
 acted, and who should come forward in the charac- 
 ter of Darby, but the lon^ sought for Teague. The 
 fact was, he had before appeared in the tragedy, in 
 the character of an over-grown red-headed witch. 
 It was more natural for him to appear in the cha- 
 racter of Darby, his own countryman; for he spake 
 with the brogue naturally, and not by imitation. 
 The managers had had him all the while of his ab- 
 sence from the Captain, under tuition, teaching him 
 his part, which was not difficult to do ; the manner 
 and pronunciation being already his own. 
 
 It was this had induced the managers to take him. 
 up, as a substitute ; the person who actually played 
 the part of Darby, being at this time out of the way. 
 As the natural squeal of a pig is superior to an imita- 
 tion of it ; so it was allowed by the audience, that 
 Teague exceeded the pseudo Irishman that usually 
 performed this part. All were pleased but the Cap- 
 tain, whose sense of propriety could scarcely restrain 
 him from throwing his cane at the bog-trotter. 
 Thought he with himself, what avails it that I pre- 
 vented him from taking a seat in a legislative body, 
 or from preaching, or being a philosopher ; if, after 
 all, he has relinquished my service, and turned 
 player ; a thing, no doubt, fitter for him, than the be- 
 ing a senator, or clergyman, or philosopher; because 
 he can appear in some low character in the farce or 
 comedy, and come off tolerably enough. For though 
 amongst the dramatis personae of learned bodies, 
 there are Tony Lumpkins, and Darby M'Faddins in 
 abundance, yet there ought to be none ; and Teague 
 
174 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 had better be on the stage than in such capacities, 
 since he must be somewhere. But to leave me 
 without notice, after all my civilities to him, is un- 
 grateful, and deserves all that I can say bad con- 
 cerning him. I shall give myself no farther trouble 
 on this head; but let him take his course. I must 
 endeavour to find another servant wh© can supply 
 hh place. 
 
MODERN CmVALRY. 175 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 THE foregoing had been the reflections of the 
 Captain during the exhibition of the farce. But the 
 play being ended, and having come home, the next 
 day he began to put his resolution in practice ; and 
 to think how he could supply himself with another 
 servant. It struck him to purchase a negro j and 
 mentioning this to the company, at breakfast, at the 
 Ihdian Queen, one of the people call Quakers, who 
 was present, and overheard the conversation, made 
 an apology for the liberty he took in making some 
 objections. Friend, said he, thee appears to be a 
 discreet man, from thy behaviour, and conversation ; 
 and if thee will not be offended, I would ask if thee 
 canst reconcile it with thy principles, to keep a slave. 
 As to that, said the Captain, I have thought upon 
 the subject, and do not see any great harm in the 
 matter. If we look to inanimate nature, we shall 
 find, that the great law is Force. The Cartesians 
 call it pressure and suction : The Nev/tonians call it 
 attraction and gravitation. The sun, the largest bo- 
 dy in the universe, endeavours to draw all towards 
 it ; while the lesser globes struggle to fly off* at a tan- 
 gent. The denser, that is, denser air, takes place 
 of the rare ; and the heavier particles of water cause 
 
176 MODERN CHTVALRV. 
 
 the llg^hter to recede. The tall oal? overshades the 
 under wood. There is a predominancy and subor- 
 dination in all things. In the animal creation, the 
 weaLer is always subject to the strong ; who even 
 devour them, when the flesh suits their appetite : 
 and the very teeth and jaw-bone of carnivorous ani- 
 mals, shew the intention of nature, that they should 
 make a prey of living creatures. Do you blame 
 yourselves, when you subjugate elephants, or horses, 
 or oxen of the plough, to your use ? What right have 
 you to invade the liberty of a playful young colt, 
 more than of an African inhabitant ? Or have you 
 not as good a right to take up a negro, and put him 
 to your work, as you have to cut a calf, and manu- 
 facture him for the draft ? 
 
 In this case, there is a difference, said the Qua- 
 ker ; a negro is a human creature, and posseses all 
 the natural rights of man. 
 
 That may be, said the Captain. But what are the 
 natural rii>hts of men? Are they not finally resolv- 
 able, as in the inanimate world, into power on the one 
 haYid, and weakness on the other. 
 
 Who is it that abstains from dominion, when he 
 has it in his power to assert it ? Power is the great 
 law of nature ; and nothing but the pacts or conven- 
 tions of society can contravene it. I should think 
 myself justifiable in making any man a slave to an- 
 swer my purposes, provided I treated him well while 
 he was such. This I take to be the only condition 
 which the law of reason annexes to the enjoyment 
 of such property. I may be warranted in taking, 
 and managing an animal of the horse kind; but it is 
 my indisputable duty not to abuse him by causing 
 him to suffer famine, or endure too much toil. The 
 same with any other animal that I enslave; there is 
 a tacit condition annexed to the grant which the law 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. ITT 
 
 «f nature gives, viz. That the service be exacted 
 with moderation ; and proper nourishment be pro- 
 vided. I admit also, that humanity would dictate 
 that the happiness of a slave ought to be consulted 
 as much as is consistent with my own convenience. 
 For instance : if I had the Grand Turk in my pow- 
 er, as he has been accustomed to a soft and effemi- 
 nate way of living, it would be hard to put him all 
 at once to maul rails, or clearing out meadow ground ; 
 or if it should fall in my way to have Catharine of 
 Russia in that capacity, as she is a woman of an ele- 
 vated mind, it would be inhuman to put her to the 
 lowest drudgery, such as scrubing out rooms, and 
 carrying water from the pump ; but rather indulge 
 her if I could afford it, with a more easy employ- 
 ment, especially as she is an old woman, of knitting 
 stockings and carding wool. There is no man would 
 be more disposed to treat a slave with tenderness 
 than myself ; but to deny me of my right altogether, 
 of making one, or of trafiicking for one when made^ 
 is carrying the matter too far. 
 
 So much for the right of enslaving. But if we 
 put it on the principle of what will conduce to the 
 aggregate happiness of mankind, we shall find it to 
 be, that there should be master and servant, or in 
 other words, o^vner and slave. The economy of na- 
 ture illustrates this, in the subserviency of one thing 
 to another : But, independent of any illustration, it 
 miust be known on reflection, and is felt in experi- 
 ence, that all are not competent to all things ; and 
 in the case of temporary servants, much time is ta- 
 ken up in contracting with them for their rema' 
 nence ; and it is a considerable time before they get 
 into the habit of our service ; and having it in their 
 power to retire from us, when inclination may di- 
 rect, there is an insecurity in the attachment. But 
 
 VOL. I. a 
 
178 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 as the slave has the master always to provide for 
 him ; so master has the slave always to subserve 
 him : and thus, by a conjoint interest, the felicity of 
 both is promoted, and the sum of human happiness 
 increased. Hence it is, that most nations have made 
 use of slaves. The patriarch Abraham, had three- 
 score and ten servants bom in his house. What 
 were these but slaves ? The Jews, his descendants, 
 had bond-men, and bond-women : Were not these 
 slaves ? The Roman slaves were more in iiumber 
 than the citizens ; and amongst the Greeks, the 
 most virtuous of them, viz. the Spartans, kept in 
 their service the most depressed of all slaves, the 
 Helotes ; who, when we consider the black broth, 
 the food, and severe life of the masters, must have 
 lived on poor fare, and in a laborious service indeed. 
 But it may be said, that example of wrong never 
 constitutes right. Grant it : But if you examine 
 the capacities, and even inclinations of men, will you 
 not find, that some are qualified only to be slaves. 
 They have not understanding to act for themselves. 
 Nor do all love freedom, even when they have it.... 
 Do not many surrender it ; and prefer kissing a 
 great man's backside, to being independent? It is 
 not always, even from the views of advantage, that 
 men are sycophants ; but from an abstract pleasure 
 in being drawn into the vortex of others. There is 
 a pleasure in slavery, more than unenslaved men 
 know. Why is it, that, even after the convulsion of 
 a revolution in a government, in favour of liberty, 
 there is a natural tendency to slavery ; and it finally 
 terminates in this point. The fact is, a state of li- 
 berty is an unnatural state. Like a bone out of 
 place, the mind, in an individual, or political capa- 
 city, seeks the condition of a master or servant ; 
 avoiding, as the particular propensity may be, the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 179 
 
 one or the other. There cannot be a greater proof 
 that this is founded in nature, than the common mo- 
 ral observation, that the greatest tyrants, that is, the 
 •worst masters, make the most abject slaves : And, 
 vice versa^ that the most subservient of mankind, 
 when you give them power, make the worst use of 
 it : All this because, in these cases, the persons are 
 .misphiced, and not in their proper stations. Julius 
 Cesar made a humane generous master ; but he 
 would have made a very intriguing, troublesome va- 
 let de chambre. It would have been impossible to 
 have got any good of him. On the other hand, Ti- 
 berius would have made an excellent hostler, and 
 taken a beating, with as much resignation as a house 
 beagle, who is used to it. So that it evidently is the 
 provision of nature, that there are materials of sla- 
 very ; and the fault of those, whom she intends for 
 masters, if they do not make slaves. But as it is 
 difficult to determine, a priori, who are intended for 
 slavery or freedom, so as to make a judicious dis- 
 tribution, things must take their course ; and the 
 rule be, catch, catch can ; and every man have a ser- 
 vant when he can get one. It is in vain to be squeam- 
 ish, and stick at colour. It is true, I would rather 
 have a white person, if such could be got ; as I pre- 
 fer white to black, especially in the summer season, 
 as being a more light and airy colour. 
 
 Thy reasoning, said the Quaker, is more rhetori- 
 cal than logical ; and thy analogies of nature, and 
 historical proofs, cannot so far oppress the light 
 within, as to make me think, that it is given to thee, 
 or me, to make slaves of our species. 
 
 As to that, said the Captain, I am not clear that a 
 negro is of our si:>€cics. You may claim kindred with 
 him, if you please j but I shall not. 
 
1«0 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 I shall not dispute that with thee, said the Qua- 
 ker : for I perceive thee does not give credit to what 
 the book says of the first man, and his descendants : 
 But will thee not grant me, that the African, though 
 not of the same stock, is, at least a man ; that is of the 
 human genus, though the species of the white and 
 the black may not be the same ; if so, hast thou more 
 right to enslave him, than he thee ? 
 
 Grant it, said the Captain ; for my reasoning tends 
 to that, and resolves the right into the power. 
 
 If so, said the Quaker, thee may be the slave in 
 thy turn. 
 
 Doubtless, said the Captain ; and it is not of so 
 much consequence who is slave, as that there be 
 one. It is better that the foot be foot, and the head 
 be head ; but if there is a conversion, nevertheless, 
 let there be head and foot. It is necessary that there 
 be domination and subjection, in order to produce a 
 compound improvement and advantage. 
 
 You could see by the Quaker's countenance, that 
 he thought the reasoning sophistical ; but as he did 
 not know very well what he could say more, he was 
 silent. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 181 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 CONTAINING REMARKS. 
 
 IT is thought by some, the Captain was not se- 
 rious in thus advocating the cause of slavery. Be 
 that as it may, he omitted some serious arguments, 
 that naturally present themselves on that side on 
 which he reasoned : For instance, it strikes me at 
 first blush, that there can be no moral wrong in 
 catching a young African, and bringing him away 
 from his own happiness to pursue ours. For if there 
 were, is it to be supposed, that humane and just 
 persons, would promote and support the evil, by 
 purchasing such negro, or retaining him, and his 
 offspring, when purchased. For, on the principle' 
 that the receiver is the thief, or, to speak more stric- 
 ly, a thief, the purchaser of the African takes the 
 guilt along with the possession; and, in the language 
 of the law, every act of retainer is a new trespass. 
 For the evil of the original act, if there be evil in it, 
 cannot be rendered pure by the filtration of purchase, 
 and retaining. So that the holder of the nes^ro, in 
 the tenth transmission, is an aider, or abettor, of the 
 original act of taking ; if I may use the word aider, 
 or abettor, in a case of trespass ; where, by the defi- 
 r2 
 
182 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 nition of the law, all who any way concur in the act, 
 and further it, are princifials. The holder of a negro 
 must, therefore, look back to that act which first 
 made him, or an ancestor, a slave ; and if he cannot 
 justify this, he cannot justify the retaining him in ser- 
 vitude :...What a consequence must this be ! There is 
 no man that pretends to humanity, much less to reli- 
 gion, would be safe in being the possessor of a slave. 
 The only way therefore to get rid of the difficulty is 
 to justify, ah origine^ traffic in all such property. 
 
 That it is justifiable I have no doubt. Is there any 
 religious denomination, except the fanatical people 
 called Quakers, that have made it a term of com- 
 munion not to hold a slave. In admitting to church 
 privileges, I have never heard of the question asked, 
 Have you any negroes, and do you keep slaves ? If 
 it was a matter of conscience, would not conscien- 
 tious persons themselves make it. 
 
 The assemblies or synods of the Presbyterian 
 church, or conventions of the Episcopal, in America, 
 have said nothing on this subject. Is an omission of 
 this kind reconcileable with the idea, that it is a na- 
 tural evil, or a moral wrong. 
 
 In the phrensy of the day, some weak minded 
 powers, in Europe, begin to consider what is called 
 the African trade as a moral wrong, and to provide 
 for a gradual abolition of it. If they will abolish it, 
 I approve of its being done gradually ; because, num- 
 bers being embarked in this trade, it must ruin them 
 all at once, to desist from it. On this principle, I 
 have always thought a defect in the criminal codes 
 of most nations, not giving licence to the perpetra- 
 tors of offences, to proceed, for a limited time, in lar- 
 cenies, burglaries, &c. until they get their hands out 
 of use to these pursuits, and in use to others. For 
 it must be greatly inconvenient to thieves and cut- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 183 
 
 throats, who have engaged in this way of life, and 
 run great risks in acquiring skill in their employ- 
 ment, to be obliged all at once to withdraw their 
 hands, and lay aside picking locks, and apply them- 
 selves to industry in other ways, for a livelihood. 
 
 The law of Pennsylvania on this principle, has 
 provided for the gradual abolition of the slavery of 
 negroes. For those who have got them could not 
 do without them, no more than a robber could do 
 without the money that he takes, being pressed by 
 some great necessity to make use of that expedient 
 to recruit his purse. All those therefore who have 
 been originally taken frOm the coast of Africa, and 
 deprived of liberty, or descended from such, and in- 
 heriting slavery, when recorded agreeably to the act 
 in question, continue slaves, and for life, and their 
 offspring to a certain period. But were we to entra- 
 mel the case with fiolitical or moral doubts respect- 
 ing the original right of caption, and subjugation, 
 the difficulty would exist of reconciling it with natu- 
 ral right to hold a slave for a moment^ even whether 
 the laiu sanctioned it or not ; in which case we should 
 find it necessary to go as far as the fanatics in reli- 
 gion, and set our slaves free altogether. 
 
 It is from not duly attending to this circumstance, 
 that abstract reasoners talk of abolition ; a doctrine 
 which, however absurd, is becoming the whim of the 
 day ; and the phrensy seems to gain such ground, 
 that I would not wonder if they w^ould next assert 
 that it is unlawful to use the servitude of horses, or 
 other beasts of burden, as having a natural right to 
 live in the fields, and be as free as mankind. The 
 best way to avoid extremes, is to check the princi- 
 ple; I hold the right of absolute subjugation, of 
 whites, blacks, and browns of all nations, against 
 gradual abolition, or any abolition whatsoever. This 
 
184 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 being the only consistent principle, short of an abso- 
 lute emancipation, made instantly ; for in no mean is 
 there reason, or a rest for conscience. 
 
 That it is of importance to settle the consciences 
 of sober minded persons in Pennsylvania, clergymen, 
 and members of the Presbyterian church especially, 
 who have negroes, must be well knoun from that 
 tenderness of conscience, for which such are remark- 
 able. Some, indeed, carry their ideas of the extent 
 of duties so far, as not to admit grace to meats, or 
 the formal worship of prayer, reading chapters, and 
 singing psalms, on the set occasions, on any consi- 
 deration whatsoever ; what is more, would not shave 
 a beard, on the Sabbath day, for a cow. Now, should 
 they, by any means, come once to think of the wick- 
 edness of enslaving men, there would be no getting 
 them to keep a negro. For those of this denomina- 
 tion ; a ad, indeed, most, or all others of the Christian, 
 hold, that the Africans, though of a sable race, is of 
 
 their own species; being descended from Adam 
 
 This being the case, a slight matter, the bare direct- 
 ing their attention to the subject, would alarm pious 
 people, and lead them to the favourite maxim of thig-'"* 
 gospel — ." Do to others, as you would have others to 
 do to you." 
 
 As opposed to the enfranchisement of negroes, ge- 
 nerally, and in Pennsylvania in particular, I have 
 been under apprehensions, that some of our young 
 lawyers in the courts, might plead the constitution 
 of the state, by which it is established that " all men ^ 
 are born equally free and independent." Now adsi' 
 mitting that a negro is a man, how shall any master 
 retain him as a slave? On a habeus corpus, he must 
 be set at liberty. At least 1 cannot conceive how the 
 judge could remand him to his drudgery. The con- 
 stitution is the law paramount, and framed by a con- 
 
I 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 185 
 
 vention of the people, recognizing tlie original right 
 of freedom in a negro, allowing him to be a man ; 
 and carries us above the act of the legislature for the 
 gradual abolition, &c. which by implication seems to 
 suppose that negroes may be slaves: 
 
 An implication inconsistent with the power exer- 
 cised by the law. For if negroes were slaves, and so 
 the firo/ierty of those who claimed them, could the 
 legislature affect that property, without indemnifica- 
 tion to the masters ? 
 
 I shall say no more on this head, lest I should fur- 
 nish hints to pettifoggers, v/ho may make an iU use 
 ©f their information. 
 
 • The fact is that this chapter, or something else 
 gave rise to a habeas corpus in the case of a negro; 
 and.which came to trial in the supreme court of the 
 state. The argume -it occupied a whole week ; but 
 it was determined that slavery by law did exist in 
 PennsylvL^nia.; maugre the constitution ; which did 
 not respect those in a state of slavery at the time of 
 forming the constitution ; and who were not parties 
 to the compact i that it is a claim of property founded 
 in, wrong; but tolerated until it can be consentient 
 with general safety, and the happiness of slave and 
 master to abolish it altogether. 
 
116 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 JUST at this moment a waiter coming in, told 
 him there was a person without, that is, in the bar- 
 room, who wished to speak with him. Going outj 
 he saw Teague. 
 
 The fact was, being elated with the success of hia 
 performance on the stage, attributing that to art 
 which was nature itself, he liad co\mted more upon 
 his accomplishments than he out;,ht to have done, 
 and had made advances to the mistress of the ma- 
 nager, who was also an actress, and not greatly co- 
 veting an amour with the bog-trotter, made a merit 
 of the circumstance, to induce an opinion of fidelity, 
 and informed the manager of the presumption of i 
 the Irishman. The manager in the most unbeco- i 
 ming manner, without either citation, examination, 
 trial, conviction, or judgment, but laying aside all 
 forms of law, had instituted an original process of 
 himself, and laying hold of a horse-whip, had appli- 
 ed this implement to the back and shoulders of 
 Teague, and as the Irishman made an efTort of re- 
 sistance at the first onset, the manager had been un- 
 der the necessity, by turning the butt-end of tlic 
 

 MODERN CHIVALRY. isr 
 
 whip, to knock him down, which he did by a stroke 
 above the left eye-brow, which not only bereft him 
 •■ of senses for the present, but a discolouration of the 
 eye for some days, and a scar probably his whole 
 life after. 
 
 It was this incident had induced him to leave the 
 theatre, and brought him back to the Captain, whom 
 he now accosted in the following manner:. ...Dear 
 master, for the love of shalvation, forgive a poor 
 sharvant that has been killed this marning with a 
 great cudgel, just for nothing at all, but not pleasing 
 a damned whore, that wanted me to stale the mana- 
 ger's cloathing, and go off wid her. This is all that 
 a poor sharvant gets by being hanest; but by shaint 
 Patrick, and the holy crass, it is what I deserve for 
 laving the sarvice of a good master, as your anour, 
 and taking up with bog-tratters, and stage players, 
 that would sooner take a cup of wine than the holy 
 sacrament, and get drunk every night in de wake, 
 and go to de devil head foremost ; but if your honour, 
 dear master, will forgive the past, and my running 
 away, and laving you, I will come back again, and 
 sarve you to the day of judgment, or any langer 
 time that your honour plases, and clane your boots 
 and spurs, and rub down the bay harse ; the poor old 
 crature, how aften I have tought of him when I was 
 in my rambles and he was a slape, laste they should 
 chate him of his oats, and give him nather hay nor 
 straw to ate ; for I always liked to take care of a 
 good harse, and a good master ; and aften tought of 
 your honour, when I was among the bog-tratters of 
 the stage, aud gave you a good name, and was al- 
 ways talking of you and forgot my part, and put the 
 managers in a passion, who fell upon me, and bate 
 me like a dog. 
 
us MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 The Captain saw the inconsistency in the relation ; 
 one while alleging the tale-bearing of the mistress, 
 as the occasion of it ; again, a deficiency in the reci- 
 tal of his part ; but expecting no truth from the Irish- 
 man, cared very little how it came to pass. The 
 principal thing that occupied his thoughts, was whe- 
 ther, to receive the bog-trotter, or dismiss him. He 
 reflected with himself on the trouble he had had 
 with him, on his various pretensions to advancement; 
 his uneasiness of mind, and fatigue of body, for se- 
 veral days past, in examining stews, methodistical 
 conventicles, rumaging philosophical societies, at- 
 tending elections, and listening to the debates of 
 Congress, to see if he could any where observe his 
 physiognomy, or distinguish his brogue. He could 
 not think of subjecting himself to such uncertainty 
 in the attendance of any servant, with such preposte- 
 rous ideas, as being a legislator, philosopher, 8cc. 
 Again, he considered, that probably this last chas- 
 tisement he had received, might have a good effect, 
 in curing him of the freaks of his ambition ; and a 
 mind broken and reduced by disappointment, is in 
 a mellow state, and more capable of receiving the 
 seeds of good advice, than a mind full of vanity or 
 pride, that has never yet received blows. Delibera- 
 ting on these grounds, his humanity prevailed, and 
 he determined to receive the raggamuffin into favour. 
 
 This being settled, and learning from the Irish- 
 man in what manner he had been invei^jled, and 
 drawn away by the manager, to go upon the stage ; 
 and that it was only because Teugue had made ad- 
 vances to a woman that was a wl.ore already, that 
 the manager had made such an attack upon his per- 
 son, he wished to punish him, if it should appear to 
 be within the province of the law to do it. Accor- 
 dingly, inquiring what principal lawyer there was in 
 

 MODERN CHIVALRY. 139 
 
 that city, was informed of a certain counsellor Grab 
 Taking Teague with him, he set out to consult this 
 gentleman. Counsellor Grab was in his office, 
 amongst large shelves of books, or shelves of large 
 books ; not, as the Latins say, co-ojieratus^ aut abru- 
 tU8y seel comitatus libris ; that is. In the midst of 
 his books. He had on a pair of spectacles, not so 
 much on account of age, as to make the client be- 
 lieve that he laboured under a premature want of 
 sight, from much reading ; or, because a pair of len- 
 ses, magnifying the organs of vision, gives the ap- 
 pearance of a larger eye, which has a good effect on 
 the person consulting, impressing the idea of a 
 broader view of things that are before it. 
 
 Enterin;:^', the Captain addressed himself to the 
 counsellor, and gave him the outlines of the injury 
 done to Teague ; the counsellor, in the m.eantime, 
 suspending his reading in a large book, which he 
 had before him, printed in Saxon letter, and raising 
 his head, until the glasses of his spectacl'=-s were 
 brou.^ht to bear upon the physiognomy of the Cap- 
 tain. 
 
 The Captain having finished his account, referred 
 him to Teague, the subject of the battery, for a more 
 particular detail of the circumstances. Teague was 
 glad of the opportunity of speaking before a learned 
 lawyer, and was beginning to give a relation of the 
 whole affair ; but the Captain stopped him, bidding 
 him wait until the lawyer should himself request 
 him to begin. The lawyer was silent: after having 
 reconnoitered with his glasses one while the Cap- 
 tain, another while Teague, he dropped his optics, 
 and ben;an to read ap;ain. The Captain, thinking he 
 had not been sufficiently understood, recommenced 
 the narration, and gave an account of what he him- 
 self had suffered from the inveighng and detaining 
 
 VOL. I. s 
 
190 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 his servant, and the visible injury which the servant 
 himself had sustained. The lawyer was still silent; 
 and, though he had eyed him while speaking, as a 
 Tuscan astronomer would the moon, yet he applied 
 himself again to the reading the black letter that 
 was before him. 
 
 The Captain thought it strange treatment ; and 
 was, for some time, at a loss to know what to think 
 of the matter. But recollecting, opportunely, that 
 the circumstance of a fee had been omitted, he took 
 out his purse, and threw down two dollars. The 
 lawyer seemed a little moved, but cast his eye again 
 upon the black letter. Finding the two dollars not 
 sufficient, the Captain threw down two more. The 
 counsellor raised his head from the book, and you 
 might discern some dilitation of the muscles of the 
 face, as bespeaking an approaching opening of the 
 voice ; but still there was silence ; and might have 
 been to this hour, had not the Captain recollected, 
 at this moment, what he had all along forgot, that 
 half a joe was the fee of a lawyer. Doubling, there- 
 fore the four dollars that were already down, the 
 lawyer came to his voice, the organs of his speech 
 were loosed, and taking the glasses from his eyes, 
 he gave his counsel as follows : 
 
 Said he, you have a double remedy in this case ; 
 against the manager who inveigled, and against the 
 servant himself: Against the servant, on the act of 
 assembly, if indented ; at comm_on law, on the con- 
 tract to serve. For even a servant at will, and not 
 engaged for any special tiijie, is not at liberty to de- 
 sert the service of his master, without reasonable no- 
 tice first given. So that you may have your remedy 
 against the servant, in the first instance, by bringing 
 the matter before the court of quarter sessions; and 
 ha v'ing time put upon him, as the phrase is, for this 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 191 
 
 i dereliction of your service ; or, an action on the con- 
 ktract, express or implied, as the case may be, where- 
 fcn he shall repair, in damages, the loss sustained. 
 Hi The boa; -trotter was alarmed at the idea of an ac- 
 Hbn against him ; and looking ^vistfully at his mas- 
 ter, exclaimed, dear master, will you trow de law 
 upon me, dat am as innocent as a shild unborn ; 
 and would go to death and damnation for you. 
 Dear master, I suffered enough by de cud? el of dat 
 player, for all de running away I have done ; and, 
 God love your shoul, keep de law in its own place, 
 and not let it come acrass a ])oor sharvant, that has 
 nathing but as he works and trats about; but let dese 
 grate big books of his honour de lawyer, spake to de 
 manager, for his deceiving a poor sharvant, and put- 
 ting it in his head to run away, and lave a good 
 master ; and his beating him with a grate cudgel in- 
 to the bargain. 
 
 I have no desire, said the Captain, to pursue the 
 b£)g-trotter, as he has made acknowledgments for 
 his faults ; but would want the utmost rigour of the 
 law to be put in force against the player. 
 
 You have also in this case a double remedy, said 
 the counsellor, by prosecution on the part of the 
 servant, and on your part. Nay, the servant him- 
 self has a double remedy ; for he may prosecute by 
 indictment, or bring his action of assault and battery, 
 or both. I would recommend the action only, be- 
 cause, where no indictment is prosecuted, and the 
 civil action only brought, exemplary damages may 
 be given, as well as reparatory. For in the civil ac- 
 [ tion, it will affect the minds of a jury, that the party 
 , has already suffered all that is in the nature of pun- 
 i ishment by a criminal proceeding ; and nothing re- 
 \ mains with them, but to give reparatory damages. 
 On the part of the master, two kinds of action may 
 
192 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 be brought; either an action of trespass, vi et armis, i 
 laying a p.erquod servitium amisit^ or simply an ac- 
 tion on the case, for the consequential damage of in- 
 veigling the servant. 
 
 As to the number of remedies, said the Captain, 
 or the kind of them, I care very little how many 
 there are. or what they are ; I want only a good re- 
 medy ; give me a good swingein.5 one against the 
 rascal, and I care very little what it is called. 
 
 I shall then, said the counsellor, advise simply an 
 action on the case, and count generally on the in- 
 vei^/ling and detaining, and rendering unfit for ser- 
 vice while in his power. In this mode, the whole 
 circumstances of the injury may be brought toge- 
 ther, and summed up into one point of view, and 
 enhancing the quantum of damages, can expatiate 
 on the value of your servant, and the special occa- 
 sion you had for his service at this particular junc- 
 ture ; for I make no doubt he is a valuable servant, 
 and that it has been an irreparable injury to you, to 
 have been defrauded of his service at this time. 
 
 As to his value, said the Captain, there can be no 
 doubt, not only as a servant, but in other respects. 
 I have been offered, or at least I suppose I could 
 have got, an hundred pounds for him, to be a mem- 
 ber of Congress, or to preach, or to go to the philo- 
 sophical society, or to be an Indian treaty-man, but 
 have refused every proposal made him, or me, for 
 these purposes ; and now to have him kidnapped 
 and taken off, without fee or reward, and employed 
 as an actor, and beat, and rendered useless, at least 
 for some time, into the bargain, is too much for 
 any man to put up with. If there is law in the land, 
 let it be put in force, and this man made an exam- 
 ple. 
 
i 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 193 
 
 The counsellor had no need of spectacles to give 
 himself the appearance of a glaring and broad look, 
 on this occasion ; for the words of the Captain made 
 him stare sufficiently, without the aid of a magnify- 
 ing medium, to enlarge his optics. He began to 
 take him for a madman ; at least in some degree 
 deranged in his brain, to talk of his servant being in 
 request for a member of Congress, and the like. 
 
 Yes, continued the Captain, he not only inveigled 
 away a servant that was thought fit to be a member 
 of Congress, and a preacher, and an Indian treaty- 
 maker, and a philosopher, and what not ; but has 
 kept me, these three days, trotting after him, and 
 tryino: to find him at election places, and in Congress 
 boarding-houses, and the hall where they have their 
 debates, and churches, and pulpits, and chambers of 
 philosophical societies, and professorships, and 
 where not, to see if I could find him ; while this ma- 
 nager had him, in the meantime, at rehearsals, 
 teaching him the art of mimickry, for the stage. 
 
 The counsellor, in the meantime, had reflected 
 with himself, that, whether madman, or no mad- 
 man, the Captain had money, and might be a good 
 client, let his cause be what it would ; and so com- 
 posing the muscles of his face, seemed to agree 
 with him ; and observe, that doubtless the quality 
 and capacity of the servant would be taken into 
 •view, in.estimatin ;: the damages : That, if it appear- 
 ed he was not only fit stuff for a servant, but to be 
 advanced to such eminent offices as these, not only 
 the inveigling the embryo lep^islator, preacher, and 
 philosopher; but the assaulting and beating him, 
 and, by that means disabling him from immediate 
 service, must be viewed in the light of an atrocious 
 injury, and insure a verdict accordingly. 
 
 6 2 
 
!94 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Very well, said the Captain, and I shall wish to 
 have the matter determined as speedily as possible, 
 as I may be but a few days in town ; and, besides, as 
 the marks are yet apparent on the face, and I sup- 
 pose, back, of the bog-trotter, it will appear to the 
 judges and jury, without the trouble of witnesses, 
 what damage he has sustained. 
 
 The process of law, said the counsellor, is tedious 
 but certain ; you cannot expect atrial in this case, 
 until the 3d or 4th term ; that is nine months or a 
 year. 
 
 How so, said the Captain? Because, said the 
 counsellor, it is now two months, or upwards, before 
 the court to which the writ will be returnable. Even 
 if a declaration is then filed, the defendant may im- 
 parl until the succeeding term, which is three 
 months ; when, if there is no demurer, general or 
 special, a rule to plead will be taken, which may 
 not be put in until the succeeding term of three 
 months again: At this term, if there is no replica- 
 tion, rejoinder, surrejoinder, rebutter, or surrebutter 
 to draw up and file, while the defendant may crave a 
 tenn, issue will be joined, and at the next term trial. 
 •But even after a verdict, there may be the delay of a 
 term, on a motion for a new trial depending ; so 
 that in the law there is delay, but this delay is the 
 price of justice. 
 
 It is a price, said the Captain, that I will not give 
 for it. If you will bring it about in a short time to 
 have this fellow flogged, even with half the stripes he 
 has given my servant, I shall not think the half-joe 
 thrown away ; but to be a year or half a year about 
 the business, is putting the matter so far off, that it 
 may as well be omitted altogether. If you could 
 only get him sentenced to take a kick or two froni 
 
?f 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 195 
 
 my foot, or Teague*s, before we leave the city, I 
 should be satisfied. 
 i The /e:r talionis, said the counsellor, makes no 
 Ipart of our law. You can punish only in estate, not 
 ?in person, for a simple assault and battery, as this is. 
 Do you not hang a man for murder, said the Cap- 
 tain; and why not punish personally for an assault 
 and battery ? Because it is our law, said the coun 
 sellor ; and, in a civil action, the object is damages, 
 
 A civil action and damages, are strange phrases, 
 said the Captain ; how can civility and damages be 
 reconciled. 
 
 These are technical terms, said the counsellor, 
 which persons, not of the profession, are at a loss to 
 understand ; but have, in themselves, a dinstinct and 
 sensible meaning. 
 
 Let the terms mean what they will, said the Cap* 
 tain, it all comes to this at last:.... There is no get- 
 ting at the manager under a year, or two year's race 
 for it ; before which time Teague will have forgot 
 the abuse he has received, and I my trouble in run- 
 ning after a strayed Irishman, through this city ; and 
 therefore it may be as well to give the matter up, 
 and sit down with the loss. 
 
 That as you please, said the counsellor ; and put- 
 ting on his spectacles^ cast his eyes again upon the 
 black letter. 
 
 The Captain, without bidding him kiss his back- 
 side, beckoned to Teague to follow him, and with- 
 drew from the chamber. 
 
 Having 'retired ; Teague, said the Captain, this 
 thing of law has been well said to be a bottomless 
 pit. The way to it is like that to the shades ; 
 
 Facilis descensus averni; 
 
 Sed referre gradus, hie labor, hoc opus est. 
 
196 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 This pettifogger seemed to have a thousand reme- 
 dies at his command, and yet none that would serve 
 us ; as the redress, if any, is to be postponed to such 
 a distant day. I have heard a great deal of these 
 cattle, and I believe they are best off that have the 
 least to do with them. They have so much jargon 
 of technical terms, that the devil himself cannot un- 
 derstand them. Their whole object is to get money ; 
 and, provided they can pick the pocket of half a joe, 
 they care little about the person that consults them. 
 The first loss is the best ; you had better put up 
 with the currying you have got, than have my pock- 
 et picked, on pretence of redress a year or two 
 hence, which may, perhaps, prove a century, 
 
 Teague was contented to put up with the drubbing, 
 and have no more said about iU 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 197 
 
 CHAPTER Xn. 
 
 THE Captain had consoled himself with the idea 
 that Teague was now cured of his folly, and would 
 no more be disposed to entertain notions of ambition, 
 and unreasonable projects. He was disappointed in 
 his hope; for that very evening, the Irishman wash- 
 ing down the recollection of his woes with some ex- 
 hilirating drink, and though not intoxicated, but en- 
 Kvened only, he came to the Captain : Said he. Dear 
 master, what would your anour think, it a poor shar- 
 vant should turn lawyer ; and get a half joe when a 
 customer comes to consult him in the morning? 
 would it not be better than currying a horse, and 
 tratting about like a big dog ; with no sense to live 
 like a man of fartune, and have a big house over his 
 head, and books about him, and take half joes from 
 paple that come to him about their quarrels and 
 batings, through de town, and sending dem aff as 
 wise as if dey had never come to him, and de great 
 spectacles, to look like a blind man, dat was blind 
 before he was born, and could see more than two or 
 three other paple, for all dat ; and was a canjurer, 
 and a wizzard, and could take money for nating.... 
 Would it not be better, master, than tratting like a 
 fool, and disputing wid paple, and having nating to 
 
198 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 lay up ; but be as poor as a church mouse, or a rat, 
 all the days of our life, and paple laugh after us 
 when we are gone. 
 
 The Captain was thrown into a reverie of thought, 
 by the speech of the bog-trotter ; reflecting, that his 
 presumption and folly was incurable ; for, notwith- 
 standing all that had been said to him, or suffered 
 by him, his natugi^I propensity remained the same ; 
 according to the maxim — J^'aturam expellas bufurea^ 
 usque recurret ; you may toss out nature with a pitch- 
 fork, she will still come back upon you. Not so 
 much from any further view of reclaiming him, as 
 from indignation, and resentment, a:£;ainst his pre- 
 sumption, the Captain projected, in his mind, a far- 
 ther means of chastising him. He had heard of a 
 work-house, in this city, into which refractory ser- 
 vants are committed, and put to hard labour; such 
 as pounding hemp, grinding plaister of Paris, and 
 picking old ropes into oakum. He resolved to have 
 the rag'gamufinn put into this a while. Counterfeit- 
 ing, therefore, an approbation of his project of be- 
 coming lawyer, doubtless, said he, the profession of 
 the law is a profitable business, where money is very 
 easily got, by the bare breath of the mouth. NeA'er- 
 theless, it requires time and study to qualify for this 
 profession. Nay, the introduction to the study, by 
 being put under an eminei^ lawyer, hi full practice, 
 is itself very expensive. An hundred pistoles is 
 sometimes the fee. This I could not very well af- 
 ford; but I have an acquaintance in this town, who, 
 I am persuaded, would he willing to oblige me, and 
 will take less. I will call upon him early to-mor- 
 row, and settle the contract. 
 
 Accordingly the next day, calling on the keeper 
 of the work-house, he i^ave him an account of his re- 
 fractory servant, and with a gratuity o£ a couple of 
 
r MODERN CHIVALRY. 199 
 
 [.guineas, obtained his consent, to take the bog-trotter 
 minder his direction, and give him a few lessons in 
 picking oakum, and grinding plaister of Paris, and 
 pounding hemp, not withholding, in the mean time, 
 • a seasonable application of the cowskin, in the inter- 
 vals of study of these several branches of the law. 
 For the idea was to be imposed upon Teague, that 
 this was an office, or as it were an inn of court, or 
 chamber of the Inner Temple ; and that the several 
 flagellations, and grindings, and poundinp;s, were so 
 many lessons, and lectures, to qualify him for the 
 practice of the law. 
 
 It happened, fortunately, that the keeper of the 
 work-house was well qualified for the task ; for, in 
 early years, he had been put an apprentice to an attor- 
 ney, and had some opportunity of attending courts, 
 And hearing the names of books to which the advo- 
 cates referred in their pleadin':;s ; but having a turn 
 for extravagance, and a dissolute manner life, he had 
 come to poverty, and, through various scenes, to jail. 
 There, by address, he h.ad gained the good will of 
 the jailor's daughter- whom he married: and, by the 
 interest of his new father-in-law, having obtained his 
 liberation, he was. from acting as deputy jailor, in a 
 series of time, at length promoted to be the keeper 
 of this work-house. Indeed, from his employment, 
 beiuf acquainted with the prisoners, and finding 
 himself sometimes interested in their fate, and being 
 led to attend their trials, he had, even in his last ca- 
 pacity, been a u,ood deal about courts, and heard law 
 phrases and books mentioned. 
 
 Accordin. ;ly, when Tea^rue was introduced, which 
 I was that very afternoon, he had, at his command, the 
 names of the abrid ers, and reporters, and commen- 
 tators of the law, and the technical terms in the com- 
 mencement and process of a suit; so that, when the 
 
i 
 
 SOO MODERN CHU^ALRY. 
 
 key was turned, and, after having stript him of th 
 linen doublet that was upon him, he began to giy 
 him the first application of the cowskin, he told hi 
 this was reading Wood's Institutes ; and when, aft 
 this, he was sentenced to an hour or two's hard 1 
 hour, at grinding plaister of Paris, this was called 
 Coke upon Littleton; and when the employment 
 was varied, poundino; hemp, or picking oakum, it 
 was called Hawkin's Pleas of the crown, or Foster, 
 or 4th Blackstone, Sec. When the poor bog-trotter, 
 reduced to a skeleton, living on bread and water, 
 complained of the hard usa^e, and offered himself a 
 servant for life, to curry horses and brush boots, to 
 any Christian creature would take him out of that 
 place ; he was told, that, as he had begun the study 
 of the lavv, he must go through with it ; that that was | 
 but the commencement of the suit; that in a year's 
 time he would learn to file a declaration ; in another, 
 to put in a plea; in a third, to join issue; and in a 
 fourth, to conduct a trial ; that unless a bill of ex- 
 ceptions had been filed, or there was a motion, in j 
 arrest of judgment, or a writ of error brought, he 
 might be admitted the fifth, and begin to practice 
 the sixth year: At all events, provided he v»^ould 
 submit himself, with due application, to fasting, and 
 cowskinnin?:, and grinding plaister of Paris, pound- 
 ing hemp, and picking oakum, he might be a lawyer 
 the seventh year, and wear spectacles, like counsel- 
 lor Grab, and take half a joe when he thought pro- 
 per. 
 
 I know not by what simile to represent the howl 
 of the Irishman, at this prospect of the duration of 
 his woes. It was like that of a wolf at the bottom of 
 a Avell, or a dog that had lost his master, or a cow 
 her comrade, or some forlorn wanderer that has mis- 
 sed the way, and given up all hopes of being extri- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 101 
 
 cated from the wilderness. At the various applica- 
 ^•tions of the cowskin, he had jumped, and cursed, and 
 y swore, and prayed, and beseeched, and promised a 
 thousand services, of currying horses, and brushing 
 boots, and trotting wherever he was ordered, provid- 
 ed they would set him at liberty. When employed 
 at the hard labour, before mentioned, he had groaned, 
 and cursed the law, the counsellor, and the half joe. 
 Ah, thought he, if my dear master, the Captaiuj 
 knew how hard a ting it v/as /to study law, and to 
 fast widout ating or drinking, and be bate wid a cow- 
 skin, he would not have given the hundred pistoles, 
 nor the half of it, to have had me kicked and cuffed 
 in dis manner: I would give body and shoul into 
 the bargain, if I could see him once more at that iron 
 gate there, to spake to him, and besache him to take 
 me out of this purgotary. He was a good master ; 
 and when I was a fool, and wanted to be a member 
 of Congress, and prache, and be a phalosophar, he 
 told me, Teague, your are a fool ; and what they 
 would do wid me there ; how they would bate me, 
 and ate me, and take de skin aff my back, and make 
 a cow or a shape od me ; and now I am worse than 
 a cow or a shape, or a horse in de tame ; for I am 
 cut, and curried black and blue ; till my flesh is raw, 
 and a cholic in my belly, wid fasting ; and all to stoo- 
 dy dis law. The devil take counsellor Grab, and de 
 Italf joe. 
 
 VOL.1. 
 
202 MODERN CHIVALRY 
 
 CHAPTER XHI. 
 
 THE Captain having been led to think so much 
 of law, of late, was struck with the idea of visiting 
 courts of justice, and hearing some of those cases 
 argued, which come before them. Understanding 
 that a court was then sitting, he resolved to take the 
 opportunity of the interval oif Teague's purgation, in 
 the work-house, to amuse himself with the pleading 
 of the advocates. Accordingly, repairing to the court- 
 house, he took his place amongst the crowd, and lis- 
 tened to what was going forward. 
 
 What came before the court was a motion in ar- 
 rest of judgment. A Jonathan Mun had been indict- 
 ed, and found guilty of " feloniously taking and car- 
 rying away water out of the well of Andrew Mab." 
 It was moved in arrest of judgment, that larceny 
 could not be committed of water in a well, it being 
 real property ; for it was a distinction of the common 
 law, that larceny could not be committed of things 
 real, or savouring of the reality, Black. 232. 2 Ray. 
 470. Hawkins, &c. So Uiat taking away the soil was 
 merely a tresfiass; and taking away the water could 
 be no more. 
 
 It was answered, that water being ^^wzVctw, et mobi 
 is, could not be considered as real property ; that an 
 
I 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 203 
 
 ^ejectment would not lie for water, but for so many 
 icres of land covered with water, Yelv. 143. 1 Burr. 
 142. Because it was impossible to give execution 
 ;of a thing which is always transient and running, 
 Run. 36, quotes Cro. Jas.'l50. Lev. 114. Sid. 151. 
 Thence it is that in a grant of the soil it is necessa- 
 ry, as we see from old forms, to add the right of ways, 
 woods, and water-courses, Lilly. Con. 132. and 179. 
 Bridg. Con. 551. That whatever might be said of 
 water in its natural bed on the soil, as v/ater in a run- 
 ning stream ; yet a well being, dug by the labour of 
 hands, the water thus acquired, must be counted as 
 personal, not real property. Barbcray, Titius, and 
 Locke. That at a well, the water being drawn up by 
 the bucket, and thus by one act separated from the 
 freehold, and by another taken from the bucket, it 
 becomes a subject of larceny ; as in the law of corn, 
 trees, or grass t^roAving. For if these be severed at 
 one time, and at another time taken away, it is lar- 
 ceny. Hav/k. PI. Cr. 93. ^ 
 
 It was replied, that ai« ejectment v/ould lie of wa- 
 ter in a well; for here the water is fixed in a certain 
 place, v/ithin the bounds and compass of the well ; 
 and is considered as part of the soil. Rvn. 37. That, 
 ex vi tej-m/m, in the indictment, " cut of the well," 
 it must be considered as water ex, out of, or from 
 the well; that is, water severed by the very act of 
 taking ; for otherwise it would Iiave been expressed, 
 by " water out of the bucket" of Andrew Mab ; not 
 out of the well ; and so the taking could not be lar- 
 ceny, but trespass ; as in the case of a tree that is cut 
 down at one time, and taken away at another; or ap- 
 ples growing on a tree, or shaken down and gather- 
 ed from the soil ; the first being a trespass, the se- 
 cond larceny. 
 
 Curia advisq.re vult. 
 
204 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 The Captain whispering to lawyer Grab, enquired 
 what difference it made in the punishment, whether 
 it was larceny or trespass ? He was answered, that in 
 the one case it was hanging by the common law, and 
 in the other to pay the value of the property. A very 
 material difference indeed, said the Captain, to de- 
 pend on so nice a distinction. 
 
[ 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 205 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 THE Captain had now leisure to reflect on tha 
 predicament in which he left Teague ; and thinking 
 he might have had what was sufficient to cure him 
 of his folly, or at least restrain it, thought of making 
 a visit to the house of employment, or sending to li- 
 berate the valet. 
 
 This thought running in his head, he naturally 
 suggested it to a gentleman with whom he was, at 
 this time, in conversation, on indifferent subjects; 
 the gentleman lodging at the same inn, or public 
 house- and seeming to be a person of considerable 
 shrewdness and discernment, not only of the aftairs 
 of men in general, but of the special spirit and cha- 
 racter of these times. 
 
 Said the gentleman ; The folly of your man has 
 certainly been very great, to suppose, that he could 
 be qualified to sustain the profession of an advocate, 
 and to practise law: For, though in this, as in most 
 other professions, " the race is not always to the swift, 
 nor the battle to the strong ;" but the people that shew- 
 eth favour ; that is, take up an opinion of abilities, 
 where there are none ; yet your servant, having so 
 little, even of the semblance of qualification, it would 
 be counting too much on the circumstance, to pro- 
 T 2 
 
206 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 mise great success in his case. His prospect of ad- 
 vancement would be much more certain in the poli- 
 tical career. You seem, by your account, to have dis- 
 couraged him in taking a seat in the legislature ; and 
 would not wish now to contradict yourself: yet why 
 not indulge him in taking a place in the executive of 
 some government. As far as I see, with that ambi- 
 tion which is natural to him, you will find him but 
 of little use, as a v/aiter : and you may as well let 
 him do something for himself, as not. If appointed 
 in the department of finance, he can use clerks ; and, 
 in a very short time, he may learn to write his name, 
 so as to give his signature to any paper ; and this, 
 with the help of clerks to do the accountant busi. 
 Bess, would be sufficient: At least, there have been 
 those in these departments, who have been approved, 
 and yet could do little more. Should he even become 
 a governor ; furnished with a secretary, he can be at 
 no loss to compose his messages, or other commu- 
 nications, to individuals, or public bodies. 
 
 But what I would propose, and will suit him best, 
 will be to go into the general government ; and, un- 
 der this, the diplomatic line will be eligible. He 
 might be appointed consul to the port of Cork cr 
 Dublin ; or the Barbary States ; or other places : Or 
 he might go as ambassador to the grand Mogul ; or 
 envoy extraordinary to the king of England ; or other 
 princes or potentates in Europe. 
 
 If you should think of favouring him in this ca- 
 reer, it will be necessary for him to appear at the 
 levee of the president, that he may be introduced with 
 a certain gradual etiquette of advancement. 
 
 What ! said the Captain , introduce a ragged bog- 
 trotter to the president of the United States! 
 
 Not r^gv'ed, said the gentleman; you can have a 
 p^ir of breeches made for him ; and put shoes upon 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 207 
 
 his feet : a sword will be necessary ; and some other 
 articles of equipment. And when you bring this in- 
 to view with his making his fortune, you will not 
 consider it as advancing much for a person whom 
 you wish to serve. 
 
 The Captain began to think there was weight in 
 the observations of this gentleman ; and that it might 
 be proper to let the bog-trotter have a chance of do- 
 ing what he could : Accordingly, he wrote a note to 
 the keeper of the house of employment, to liberate 
 him for the present. 
 
 The state of politics at this time, and the prospect 
 of Teague*s advancement, wc shall leave to the 'Se- 
 cond Volume of this work. 
 
508 
 
 POSTSCRIPT, 
 
 IT is well for men in office, that my pen has 
 taken this turn ; and that I employ myself in writing 
 harmless nonsense, rather than strictures on their 
 conduct. In the case of the famous Gordon, who, 
 with Trenchard was an author of what were stiled 
 Cato's Letters, it is well known that the shrewd mi- 
 nister of that day, Walpole, dreading the effects of 
 these writings, wisely laid a plan to free his admini- 
 stration from them ; by affecting to admire the stile ; 
 and saying, that it were a pity so noble a genius were 
 not employed in giving a sample of good language, 
 where there would be no occasion to invent, but mere- 
 ly to clothe ideas. For this reason, he would consi- 
 der it as a great happiness, could he be induced to 
 translate some work of merit ; and give it in the 
 beautiful garb of his expression. By this address, 
 and the addition of a pension, the author was induced 
 to undertake the translation of Tacitus. 
 
 Now, what government, with great art, got Gor- 
 don to do, I have done of my own accord ; that is, to 
 amuse myself in abstract composition ; regarding 
 words only, and letting men of place alone. Never- 
 theless, as the sale of these is not certain; and if I 
 should find it an expense, rather than a profit, to pro- 
 
POSTSCRIPT. 209 
 
 ceed in the work, I may quit it, and fall foul of the 
 public measures, those who discharge the public 
 trust, at the present time, may not be altogether 
 safe. It were, therefore, wise policy in such, to assist 
 the sale as much as possible ; and it might not be 
 amiss, in the first instance, to buy up, each of them, 
 a number of copies. I do not know that I have any 
 thing to say of the president of the United States; 
 or that I would say it, if I had ; nevertheless, it might 
 not be amiss for him, on the principle of preserva- 
 tion, and, agreeably to that universal prudence he 
 has ever shewn, to take a few; perhaps fifty might 
 suffice. The secretary of the treasury, and the se- 
 cretary at war, might take between them, about five 
 hundred. As to the secretary of state, he is such a 
 skin-dried philosopher, that an author would make 
 as little out of him, as a fly would out of a weather- 
 beaten bone ; and so, it is of little consequence to him, 
 whether he buys one at all ; for I believe I shall not 
 trouble my head about him. As to the Congress 
 that have sat since the adoption of the federal consti- 
 tution, they need not put themselves tp the expence, 
 individually or collectively of purchasing one pam- 
 phlet ; as I am determined not to be bought off by 
 them ; but in a work which I shall by and by publish, 
 will canvas, freely, the respective demerit of their 
 votes. I have not yet written any part of this work ; 
 but I have it all in my mind; and if I had a ready 
 amanuensis, to take it down, could give a volume in 
 a short time. 
 
 The whole gradation of officers and place-men, 
 under government, are a good deal in my power. 
 Not that I would descend to attack them; but I might 
 affect the system by which they are supported. A 
 pretty liberal purchase, therefore, on their part, might 
 be money not ill laid out. 
 
w 
 
 2 10 POSTSCRIPT. 
 
 The men that are upon the govemnient of Penn- 
 sylvania, would find their account, in making it worth 
 my while to let my fingers run in this way, a while 
 longer. Feream ne scribam; I must write; and if I 
 should break out upon them, I know not where I 
 mi^ht end. 
 
 ES» 07 TBB rjRST rOLUME, 
 
 s. H. m'fetrich, printer. 
 
F 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 I 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY < 
 
 CONTAINING THB 
 
 ADVENTURES OF A CAPTAIN, 
 
 AND 
 
 TEAGUE O'REGAN, 
 
 HIS SERVANT. 
 
 BY H. H. BHACKENRIDGE. 
 
 <VXS V2TAT RIPENT£M DICSRE VSaUM.........HOm. 
 
 PART IL 
 
 VOLUME I, 
 
 PUBLISHED BY 
 Jacob Johnson, and for sale at his BOOKSTORt^ 
 
 IN PHILADELPHIA AND IN RICHMOND) VIRGINIA,* 
 JLEXJNDBS (5* PHJLLIFS, PSHf^BMS, CARLISLE* 
 
 1807, 
 
COPY RIGHT SECURED. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRYv 
 
 CHAPTER L 
 
 fliatu^ valde dejlendus^ mutta desiderafttUr, 
 
 HERE is a great gap. Not a word said Of 
 file Captain, from the packing up of Teagiie, and 
 sending him off to France, until after the terftiination 
 of the French revolution, and the armistice or con- 
 vention of Amiens; Though the fact is, that he had 
 been, alMhistitne, ttaveUing, and Teague had rejoin- 
 ed him, in the capacity? of a pediseque, or foot-boy, 
 as before. A« to Duncan, the Scotch waiter, he had, 
 long since, left the service, and taken a job of weav- 
 ing in the neighbourhood, and was doing well. The 
 Captain had endeavoured to persuade him to take to 
 preaching, as many do in this country who are less 
 qualified, bift lie refused, alleging, that though it 
 vwas good work that pleased the customer, yet he had 
 some scruples of conscience in undertaking the 
 d^harge, not having been regularly called by ordina- 
 tion to the office. 
 
 V Teague had been landed at Nantzj and being a real- 
 sans culotte, was liberated, and caressed by^ the mul- 
 thude. With considerable eclat, he made his way to 
 Paris. We hear of him at a very early peiiod as 
 nfvade use of^ by Anacharsis Cloots, the orsior ef lh«^ 
 
MODERM croVALRY. 
 
 liiiman race ; this was in a procession, in wIiicKre* 
 prestntalives of all nation&j were introduced in iheir- 
 respective garbs, addressing the convention. Teague 
 WdS in the character ot an Esqiiiraaux Indian, and 
 passed liis aboriginal Irish, for the native dialect of 
 ihat people. An Irish officer that vv^as present dis- 
 covered the imposition, but the guillotine forbad him 
 to speak, and he was silent. 
 
 This ultramarine person, (Teague) was a good deal 
 distinguished during the reiern of Robespierre, and 
 w<is employed on many occasions, and discharged a 
 variety of functions, so that though his morals were 
 not much amended, nor his address much improved, 
 yet he had contracted French phrases, and could in- 
 terlard his dialect with a que voulez vous ; and je de- 
 mand pardon. At length he iJound himself in the 
 conciergerie, a destination from which no talents> 
 virtues, or even vices could exempt. Apd it was only 
 on the fall of that monster of whom we have just 
 made mention, that he was vomited with, others from 
 the caverns in which he had been secluded. How he 
 ever got to America again, it is difficult to say. We 
 shall leave that to tliose who may take from his own- 
 mouth the memoirs of his travels. It is sufficient for' 
 our purpose, that he did get back, and that he is once 
 more in the train of the Captain. The fact is, that) 
 he had joined him in a most unexpected maimer, in' 
 a short time after Duncan the Scotch servant had 
 uegged to be dismissed, to apply himself to a profes- 
 sion more congenial with his education. 
 
 We shall go no farther back upon the step« of the 
 Captain, with the bog-trotter at his heels, than where 
 ;^Ye find them wilhinamile, or less- of the village, where 
 his home was, and where he had resided some years^ 
 before he had set out on his peregrii:iation3. Passing 
 through a wood just as he approached the town, he 
 ii'x\y at some distance before him the semblance of 
 
J^fpDERN CHJiVALRYv r 
 
 men «uspended. on the limbs of trees, or at least the 
 exuvifC of men, coats, \vaist:Coats, brteches, and hatSr 
 What can this be, said the Captain ? Is \i probable^ 
 that hearing of your return, Teague, the Wags of the 
 village have been making what 41'e called paddies, and 
 have set them up on these trees, knowing that this 
 way we should come. 
 
 By St. Patrick, said Teague, J wJU paddy dem wid 
 dis shalelah. I will tache ulem to x«^ke" paddies, and 
 hang dem «p. for sign posts in de wood here. Dis is 
 not St. Patrick's day in de morning ne^der : bad luck 
 to dem, it may be some poop fellow dat dey have 
 hang'd up in reality, for shape stalling as dey do in- 
 Ireland. 
 
 I see nothing, ■ said the Captain, bpt the emptyings 
 of ward-robes, jibbeted throuj^h the grove : stretched- 
 on trees^ or suspended fiom them, a phenomenon,- 
 which I am unable to comprehend, or explain ; for I 
 s^e no corn growing underneath, froiii which, a pria- 
 pus, or scare-crow might affright the birds ; nor can^ 
 they be the vestments of people at work, near hand, 
 or stripped to bathe, as I see no water pond, or river, 
 but a dry grove. 
 
 The fact is, these habilifnents were of the people 
 of the towuy who had hung them up to the dew, in* 
 order ta take off the musk of a pole-cat which had 
 afiected them from the perfusions of one of these ani-- 
 mals. For, not long before tlvis, a typographist, had 
 set up a paper in the village, and in the capacity of 
 editor had chosen to assume the syn»bol, or hiero- 
 jjjyphic of the PorcupJAc. A happy nature had fitted 
 iiim for a satyrist, and felicity of education v/as not 
 wanting to qualify him for the office. He had not 
 the pleasantry of Horace, nor the pungency of Juve- 
 nal, but an original stricture of his own that supplied 
 the place of them. The truth is, he had been bred 
 in the barracks, and had at his lingtr ends, tlie iXw^W 
 
r MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Uai* phrases of the common soldiery, with that pecu- 
 liar species of wit, which is common with that occu-^ 
 pation of men, and in that gfade. Doubtless we see 
 something like it among the plebeians of all classes 
 and denominations ; The Women that sell fish at a 
 certain stand in London « have a species of h, known 
 by the name of Billingsgate, either because there is a 
 gate of that name near the place, or formerly was 
 one. The miners and coal heavers have a good deal 
 of it. The scavengers and chimney sweepers are 
 adepts, though without the least scholastic education, 
 or knowledge of letters. I have known even in our 
 own country, where we are remote from the seats of 
 the muses, a good deal of it possessed, by way travel- 
 lers, or boat men on our rivers ; a kind of unshack- 
 led dialect ; fettered by no rule of delicacy, or feeling^ 
 of humanity. I have been turning in my mind what 
 word in our English language, best expresses it^ 
 and 1 have found it to be that which has been given it 
 by Thomas Paine, black-gtmrdism. The editor of 
 the Porcupine had scored the village not a little. I 
 do not say rubbed. For that is a translation of the 
 phrase of Horace : urbem defricuit ; and conveys the* 
 idea of tickling, or causing a sensation pleasant, yet 
 hurting a little. That was not the case here. For 
 what man without indignation can bear the touch 
 of the slanderer, more especially if that dander is of a 
 private, and domestic nature and alludes to what can^ 
 not be ejp/uained br defended. Jfot that it is true, but 
 a man in the just pride of standing in society ^ would 
 scorn to appeul to the public or bring it before a court I 
 There was in the village a man of understanding, 
 and sensibility who had been the subject of caricature 
 a^ld not chubing for reasons that weighed with him- 
 self, to take it in good part, thought of retaliation. 
 But what could he do ? The same language was un- 
 >H."coming a^gentleman, The like strictures of fol- 
 
MQ0ERN CHIVALRT. r 
 
 fcles or ol faults on the part of an adversary, coulcj 
 f)nly become the character of a subordinate. Nor 
 ^'as it.so much his object to repress the licentious- 
 ness of this buffoon, as to correct the taste and judg- 
 
 tjnent of 'he public who did not all at once distinguish 
 the ini propriety of countenancing such ribaldry; 
 This they continued to do by receiving his papers. 
 
 With a view to this having taken a pole-cat on the 
 Ifteuntains, he had put it in a cage and hiring an office 
 contiguous to that of the Porcupine, he kept it there, 
 suffering the boys of the village to provoke it, and 
 the dogs to bark at it through the bars. It was in 
 Tain to complain ; the owner called himself Paul Pole- 
 cat, and when Porcupine expostulated and justified his 
 gall on i\\t freedom of the presa^ Paul fortified himself 
 on the liberty of the -£jr/2rc«*. 
 
 But it was not Porcupine alone, npr Iiis wnofTend- 
 |ng wife arid family that had reason to complain of 
 this nuisance. The children running home to their 
 
 : parents, and the dogs with them l^rought the per- 
 ftime to the houses of the vilkge. The wearing ap- 
 
 • parel of almost every one was affected with the musk \ 
 the women buried their dresses ; the men in some 
 instances did the lil^e and in others, hung them up to the 
 
 ,t %ption of the air, and the dews of the adjoining wood. 
 i The vestiges of these were the phenomena, which 
 
 I tjie Captain saw, in his approach to the town. 
 
 I .He had now got within sight of the main square, 
 
 I' when a tumultuous assembly struck his eye ; some 
 
 % with fists raised ; others with slicks, and all in a 
 
 teenacing attitude. He could also hear tongues of 
 ople altercating with one another and using oppro- 
 brious epithets. 
 
 The fact was, that the village had become divided. 
 
 I Those who had been the subjects of the obloquy of 
 
 Porcupine, justified the emission of the cats, and 
 
 were of opinion that the one had as good a right to be 
 
10 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 borne as the other. Council had been taken an^ 
 learned opinions given. But this making the matter 
 no better, the dissention had increased, and the peo- 
 ple had come together in a rage. 
 
 Teague at a distance seeing this, stopp'd short: said 
 he, what means all this paple in de street ? It is as 
 bad as dat of St. Anthony in Paris, or de place de 
 greve where dey have de gillotine. The devil burn 
 me if r go farther, 'till your honour goes on and sees 
 what is de matter. 
 
 The Captain advancing to the populace was recog- 
 nized by them, and his appearance contributed not a 
 little to a longer suspension of hostilities. 
 
 Countrymen and fellow-citizens, said he, is this 
 the satisfaction that I have, in returning amongst you 
 after an absence of several years, to see man armed 
 against man, and war waged not only in the very 
 bosom of the republic, but in the village which I 
 have instructed by many precepts ? What can be the 
 madness that possesses you ? are not the evils of life 
 sufficient ? but you must increase them by the posi- 
 tive acts of your own violehce. You cannot wholly 
 preserve yourselves at all times free from the mala- 
 dies of the body, or the distresses of the mind. But 
 it is in your power greatly to assuage these, by the 
 virtues of temperance and moderation. What fury 
 can prompt you, to this degree of apparent resent 
 ment, and approaching tumult. Is it local or gene- 
 ral politics ? Is it any disagreement with regard td 
 your corporate interests, or is religion the cause ? Hat 
 any flagrant instance of moral turpitude, or exceed- 
 ing knavery in an individual, roused you to this ex- 
 cess of violence, and exclamation ? 
 
 Captain, said a middle aged man stepping forward, 
 companion of his years, and who had long lived with 
 him in tlie village ; it is not only pleasing to see yoa 
 return in apparent good health, but more especiallyf 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 1! 
 
 at this particular moment when your interference can- 
 not but be of the gjreatest use^ to the citizens ; not 
 only on account t>i that confidence which Ihfey haV6 
 in your judgment and discretion, of which they have 
 a lively recollection; but as they must naturally 
 tMink that your travelling must have given yo\i know- 
 ledge, and brotjght you home full fraught with learn- 
 ing atid information. Your humanity is also, well 
 rehiembered by them, that man, woman or child was 
 never injured by you, in life^ estate, or reputation ; 
 that on the contrary, it was always your study to do 
 good, and compose differences. Now a misfortune 
 has ha{>pened to the village ; If I can call it a misfor- 
 tune, which was at first thought a good ; a printer 
 came to this place and set up a paper, or gazette, by 
 taking subscriptions from those that were willing to 
 give them. His device was the Porcupine ; scarcely 
 a month had gone over his head before he began to 
 lampoon ; searching into the secrets of families, and 
 publishing matters of individuals, with which> whe- 
 ther true or false, the public haxi nothing to do ; and 
 this in so low and disorderly a manner, that the more 
 intelligem have disapproved of it ; but the bulk read, 
 end it seems tD increase rather than curtail his sub- 
 scribers. A young man on the other hand that has 
 bad iin acEtSetnic education, meamng to burlesque 
 his manner of wtiting, haying gone to t'he mountain 
 with a dog, or a trap, and having taken a pole-cat, 
 he puts the beast in a cage ; hires that frame build- 
 in^t^ that you see, one story high, and but a room on 
 a floor, and calls it his ofl^ce. Here he places the 
 pole-cat with a man to attend it. What a running oJE" 
 hoys ; wliat a barking of dogs we have had ! and 
 when tin; children run home, and the dogs after them ; 
 what a. (Jutting of the hand upon the nosej by the ser- 
 , Vant girls and the mistresses, at the smell that ac* 
 ^^ompanies. The young man jusii&es lumseif under 
 
12 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the pretence thatit is but retaliation of "the odour that 
 proceeds from the prefss of Pk^rcupine ; for, as this 
 affects the organ of smelHng, that disgusts the judg- 
 ment of the miiid.' The people arcf divided, as will 
 Mways be the -case, if for no other cause, yet for the 
 sake of division ; because the pride of one man forbids 
 hinn to thinlc just as another does. The' adversaries 
 of theoppossum, or what else it is, insist that it shall 
 be put down as a nuisance, and have met with clubs, 
 staves and' knives, to carry the threat into execution. 
 The advocates cffthe animal oh -tlVe otltta* hand have 
 convened to oppose them. i : ) ' 
 
 But said the Captain, did I not leave you a regular 
 corporation ? Have you not powfer to rriake bye laws? 
 and is not this done lipon noticie given by the chief or 
 assistant burgesses ? why such hurry scurry as this ? 
 moreover ii is ii weighty question that agitates th6 
 public mind ; a question xk right : and where the 
 Hghtsof the citizen come in qitbstion, I hold it a most 
 dfelic ate thing to decide ; iii a free government, more 
 especially,' where the essence of liberty is the preser- 
 vation of right ; and there is the right of conscitnce, 
 the right of propeirty, and the right of reputation. 
 This IS a right of property; for if ^his animul which 
 is ferae naturx, has been reclaimed by the owner, he 
 lias a rigbt^o'pnt'it'to such use as suits his trade, or 
 iiccords ^ith his whim^ provided that it does not af- 
 fect the rights of others ' ITie limit, boundary, or 
 demarcation of this use, is^ question of wi's'e discus- 
 sion and examination ; and not in a tumultuous as- 
 semt)ly» heated with wine, but with the • ardency 
 of their own spirits. I advise therefore, arid so fur 
 as my weak judgment deserves to be rega.rde<i would 
 recommend, that each man lay down his shalelah, 
 baton, or walking-stick, and retire for the evening ; 
 and convene to-morrow in a regular town meeting, 
 where the adversaries and ad^-ocates on both sides 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 15 
 
 may have an opportunity of beini^ heard. To-mor- 
 row when you meet with the chief burgess in the 
 chair, to keep order, and preserve decorum, assign 
 the proper times of speakinj^, and call to order on a 
 deviation from the subject, as is usual in deliberative 
 assemblies, the business can be taken up, and conduct- 
 ed as is proper in town meetings. I am now just 
 from my journey ; somewhat fatigued ; but more 
 moved by the consideration that I am on horse-back, 
 and it is not becoming that I take a part in your de- 
 bates as if my horse were to speak also ; for though 
 it is true that some of you may speak with perhaps as 
 little sense as he could, were he to open his mouth and 
 attempt utterance ; yet the decency of the thing for- 
 bids, and even the exercise of the right might be ques- 
 tioned ; for the faculty might exist, yet he could not 
 be considered as legitimately franchiscd to this privi- 
 lege, at least not havmg a right to vote in town meet- 
 ings, t- or though in the congress of the United States, 
 the representatives of the territories, not yet organi- 
 zed in'io independen.t states, and made regular mem- 
 bers of the Union, have a right to speak, but not to 
 vote, this is not to be drawn into precedent in subor- 
 dinate corporations ; for that is a special provision 
 of the constitution And it is even indecorous for 
 myself to sit here and speak, mounted, as occupying 
 a more elevated station ; and should 1 descend from 
 my cavalry, my servant wiiom you see yonder, is 
 kept at bay, by an apprehension of your swords, and 
 refuses to come up so that 1 am without an attendant 
 to hold the beast ; all things considered therefore, I 
 move, a chairman not yet being appointed, who might 
 put the question, that you adjourn, or dissolve until 
 to-morrow about this time, when the matter may be 
 taken up as we now have it, and the affair canvassed 
 as becomes members of the same community, and in- 
 habitants of the same village. 
 
 PART II. VOL. I. B 
 
14 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 It caanotbe difficult to conceive that these words had 
 a favourable tffect upon the audience ; as oils com- 
 pose a storm. For as the waves of the ocean rise and 
 fall suddenly, so the passions of men ; and in no in- 
 stance more than where they are just coming to blows; 
 for, approaching anger disposes to peace, every one 
 having felt half a blow already on his head ; and the 
 difficulty only is to get an excuse, for returning, or 
 sheathing the weapon. They are much obliged to the 
 man that councils concord ; and advises the putting 
 donvn the brickbat^ or putting on the coat. Even in 
 duelling it holds the tame, and the principal is a friend 
 to the second ever after^ that manages the matter so 
 iviscly that no blood is shed. 
 
 It was moved and seconded that in the mean time 
 the keeper, or as he called himself the editor of the 
 pole-cat, should keep his charge within the claustrum, 
 or bars of his cage, and covered with a matting, so 
 that access might not be had to him, by man or beast, 
 or egress on his part, of that offensive odour, which 
 had been the cause of the disturbance. This, the par- 
 tizans of the skunk, were willing to admit and sanction 
 ^vith their acquiescence, on condition, nevertheless, 
 that the Porcupine in the mean time, should also re- 
 strain his quills ; in other words, suspend the eflu- 
 sions of his press, and cease to distribute papers for a 
 day or two during the pendency of the debate This 
 was thought reasonable, and carried by the multitude 
 holdinGT up their hands. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 U 
 
 CHAPTER H. 
 
 C6XTAINING PROCEEDINGS OF THK TOWN IIEETIN'G. 
 
 THE day followinp:, a meeting being held, and 
 the chief burgess in the chair, an advocate of Porcu- 
 pine took the ground and spoke. 
 
 Gentlemen, said he, the press is the palladium of 
 liberty. '" The image that fell down from Jupiter." 
 The freedom of the press is essential to liberty. Shac- 
 kle the press, and you restrain freedom. The con- 
 stitutions of the states have provided that the press 
 shall be free. If you muzz-le this, you muzzle the 
 mouth of man. 
 
 It is i;ot the freedom of the press, said one interrupt- 
 ing him. it is li^e abuse of it thvit is in qnesticn. 
 
 The chief burgess called to order, and the speaker 
 went on» 
 
 That is the point said he, to ^vhich I mear/*. to come. 
 What shall be said to be tlie abuse of the press ? 
 In order to determine this, we must consider its U5:e. 
 This is, 
 
 1. The amusement of the editor. For as some men 
 amuse themselves, shooting, fishing, or chasing wild 
 beasts, so men of literary taste, find their recreation 
 in penning paragraphs for a paper, sometimes con- 
 taining information, or observations on the state of 
 
fo MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 eiT.pires and ii.e characters of men; at other ti^Kcii 
 by descendin'^, or net lishig at all, but confining 
 thtmselves to the subordiniiie affairs of indiduals, and 
 private persons. 
 
 2. Tlie profit of the editor : and this depends on 
 the number of subscribers. 'It is not every one that 
 has a taste for rtfintd writing. Guts and [garbage de- 
 jight bears ; and suine swill the trough in preference 
 to the running stream. Scurrility is the gout of 
 in any. Nay, it is the more prevailing taste ; 
 
 *' The work] is naturally averse 
 To all the truth it sees or hears ; 
 Ent swallov/s nonsense and a lie, 
 With greediness and gluttony." 
 
 In Britain, or some other countries, delicacy may 
 succeed. But the coarse stomachs of the Ameiicans 
 crave indecency, at least a portion of it. Rough like 
 their own woods, and v/ild bensts, they digest scurrility. 
 
 Well said, Porcupine ! said a pole-cat man, taking 
 the ground in his turn : But this furnishes a ground 
 to justify tlie introduction of the pole-cat. You talk 
 of the freedom of the press. Here is the freedom of 
 the express. Nay the word expression which is com- 
 mon to both institutions, tlie artificial one of the types, 
 and the natural one of the cat, shews the original to 
 be similar, and the comparison to t'un on all-fours. If 
 the ivk cast iiUo black letter, and carrying with it 
 pain and pungency froni the ideas communicated, is 
 tolerated ; much more the volatile alkali of the ani- 
 mal that is nov/ set up, is to be borne, as not more of- 
 fensive to body cr miiid. Shall the bark of trees made 
 into powder, and this powder into a liquid, impregna- 
 ted with thought, and put upon paper, and carried to 
 tlie press, be acctfunted harmless, notwithstanding 
 the violence of the decoction, yet the wild catd iha6 
 
I MODERN CHIVALRY. l7. 
 
 inhabit these trees, and are denizens of the forest, be 
 proliibited because of a ba^^ under their tails which 
 contains an unsavoury distillation, and may be occa- 
 sionally spurted upon men ? 
 
 A lawyer spoke on the side of Porcupine. The 
 principles of the common law embrace this case. It 
 is unlawful to exercise trades in towns that occasion 
 noisome smells ; they are abateable as nuisances. 
 
 Grant it, said a juris-coniult, ,.on the pole-cat 
 side ; but when it is in retaliation, or in self-de- 
 fence against an editor whose defamation is more 
 offensive to the feelings of the mind, than the hoj^o 
 of a civet to the sense of smelling ; or when it 
 is used in burlesque, and by way of analogy and 
 symbol to explain the impropriety of encouraging 
 personal abuse, by taking papers, it may correct by 
 leading to reflection. The mind may be insensible 
 to abstract lessons, but a paradigm, or object set be- 
 fore it may affect. As to this man exercising hh 
 trade by the smell of a cat, it is an occupation which 
 can be carried on to advantage only in a town ; for it 
 is in towns chiefly that editors, assemble ; and it is 
 by setting up under our noses, and affecting the rea- 
 ders, that the impression is made. For if the public 
 will receive libels into their houses for the use of 
 themselves and families, let them take a little of this 
 hartshorn with it and if they will have the one, bear 
 the other. A ground of the common law is general 
 Teason adapted to particular cases. I grant that it 
 even goes so far as to make the keeping hogs in a pen 
 near my window, in towns, a nuisance ; but this is a 
 town incorporated, and can by a bye law regulate a 
 new trade. I hold it to be a matter of vote whether 
 this quadruptd shall be tolerated or excluded. 
 
 The advocate for the press rejoined. The com- 
 
 mon law, said he, protects the press. It is the rio-|,t 
 
 of the tongue transferred to the hand : it ought to be 
 
 as free as the air that we breathe : The privilege, &i> 
 
 B 2 
 
13 MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 unfettered as the orr^ans of articulation. But what i^j 
 there in the common law to protect from the asper- 
 sion of this animal ? 
 
 The po!e-cat man replied. It is on principle aiirl 
 by analog:y, said he, tliat it is protected. Does not" 
 the law of water courses apply to this If a man di- 
 vert a stream from my meadow, or obstruct one run- 
 ning through it, so as to-dam it up, and diown th( 
 grass, have not I a remedy ? shall this man at muci 
 expence and charge bring a beast from the mountains,! 
 tame it, or reduce it under his dominion, and apph 
 it to a purpose in civilized and domestic life, and shall 
 we say that the common law does not protect him ii 
 the enjoyment of its musk ? 
 
 The advocate on the side of Porcupine rejoine< 
 So use your own said he, that you trespass not upoi 
 another man's. If you keep your smell, and hogs 
 home to your own nose, there is no objection. Buj 
 in the nature o? the thing it cannot be ; for the air i^ 
 the natural conductor ; and therefore it cannot bui 
 exist a nuisance. 
 
 Surrejoinder ; but after all, is it more a nuisance 
 than the press, which it has in view to correct ? 
 
 At this instant a commotion was perceivabl< 
 amongst the multitude ; not on account of what wai 
 said, or meaning any disturbance hke debate ; buj 
 the rumour v/as that a fresh cat had been brought 
 from the liills above the town, and was on its way t( 
 tlie college-man who had offered a rev/ard for an addi- 
 tional puss to increase his slock ; tmd as it was con- 
 jectured, meant to phy it ofF under the pretext thai 
 the proliibition conudned in the armistice extendec 
 only to the individual beast that he had before in hij 
 possession. 
 
 The Captain, at this, rising, said; this is not fail 
 It is within tlie reason, if not the express words of the 
 convention; that all annoyances by steani, vapour or 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 19 
 
 ^flluvia proceeding- from a pole-cat shall be suspend- 
 ed durinfj the pendency of tliis quesuon ; and it is an 
 evasion to substitute another badger, and by tliat 
 nie-dns attempt to ehide the stipulation. 
 
 The Pole-cat man got up to explain. It is liir fiom 
 me, said he, to elude or evade the pcrfoi'mance of the 
 stipulation. The fact, is, that heaiin.e;, a day or two 
 at^o, that Porcupine, M^as about to enlari^e his sheet, 
 and for that purpose had employed a journeyman, 
 more, I thought it not amiss to extend the scale of my 
 vapour and employ two conduits instead of one. For 
 that purpose had sent to the woods, for another cut, 
 v/hich is now on the way, but in a leathern bag by 
 my directions, and not to have regress, or egress, 
 until this assembly shall dissolve, nor for a reasona- 
 ble time after, tliateundo, and redeundo, or going as 
 "Well as coming, you may be safe, let what will be the 
 issue of the controversy ; whether I am to break up 
 stock, or be suffered to go on. 
 
 This explanation gave satisfaction, and composed 
 the assembly. 
 
 Another speaker had now occupied the ground. I 
 cannot say the floor, for there was no floor. I am, 
 said he, for supporting the press. The objection is, 
 that it is a blackguard press. But while there are blacl- - 
 guards to v.rite, must they not have a press ? Is it 
 only men of polisiied education that have a right to ex- 
 press their sentiments ? Let them write in magrzine":-, 
 or have gazettes of their own, but not resiiict the 
 right that people of a more uncultivated undeistmd- 
 ing have to amuse themselves aiul others with their 
 lucubrations. You call us the Sv«'inish Multitude, 
 and yet refuse us the food that is natural to us. Are 
 there not amongst us those that have no relish for c is- 
 quisiiions on the bidance of power or form of govern- 
 ments, agricultural essays, or questions of finance ; 
 Uut can relish a laugh raised at the expense of the 
 
%0 MODERN CHIVALR?. 
 
 master of a family ; or a public character in high sta- 
 tion ; if for no other reason, but because it gratifies 
 the self-love of those who cannot attain the same emi- 
 nence ? Take away from us this, and what have we 
 more ? What is the press to us, but as it amuses ? 
 
 I think, said another rising, that the gentleman means 
 to be ironical. But let us take the matter seriously. I 
 am on the same side with him, but not for the same 
 reasons. I take it, that scurrility may be useful to 
 those that hear it, and are the subjects of it. It may 
 bring to a man's knowledge and serve to correct foi- 
 bles that he would not otherwise have been conscious 
 of, or amended. Men will bear from the buffoon or 
 the jester, things they would not take from a friend, 
 and scarcely from a confessor. It was on this princi- 
 ple that in the middle ages of Europe, a profession of 
 men was indulged, in the houses of the great, called 
 the Joculators. So late as the time of James I. we 
 had one of these of the name of Archy. The Duke 
 of Buckingham having taken offence at something 
 that he said, had him whipped. It was thought be- 
 ncjith a man of honour to have taken notice of it ; 
 and inflicted punishment. I consider the bulk of ouf 
 editors as succeeding to the joculators of the early pe- 
 riods ; and as the knights of character and dignity of 
 those times were not bound to notice the follies, how- 
 ever gross of jesters; so now a gentleman is not bound 
 to notice the defamation of gazettes ; nay, as in the 
 former instance, it was deemed uncourteous, and un- 
 becoming to resent what the fool said, so now what a 
 printer chuses to publish. Selden in his table talk re- 
 marks, «* That a gallant -man, is above ill words. 
 We have an example of this in the old Lord of Sals- 
 bury, who was a great wise man. Stone had called 
 some Lord about the Court fool. The Lord com- 
 plains, and has Stone whipped. Stone cries, I might 
 have called my Lord of Salsbury often enough, fool 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 21 
 
 [before he would have had me whipped." As in the 
 case of the Merry Andrew, even when there was no 
 witt it was taken for wit ; so now, when an editor 
 means to divert, however dull his abuse, it ought to 
 
 ; be the mode to laugh, to keep those who know no bet- 
 
 I ter in countenance. 
 
 ' The captain rlsin.i^ and putting himself in the atti- 
 tude of speakini^, seemed to claim the attention of the 
 audience. 1 would wish to know, said he, how the an- 
 cients managed these matters : in the republics of 
 Greece and Rome especially. For since I have been 
 abroad, and heard public speeches, I find that it is no 
 
 ' unusual thing to draw illustrations from the sayings 
 
 J^and doings of antiquity. In deliberate assemblies talk- 
 ing of governments, they tell you of the Amphylrio- 
 nic Council ; the Achean league, the Ionian conftde- 
 
 t racy. What was the freedom of the press at Athens, 
 
 i or at Rome ? 
 
 The fact is, said an academician, there was no press 
 
 •' at these places, or in these times. The invention of 
 printing is of later date But they had what they c.iil- 
 ed the style, and they impressed their thoughts upon 
 wax. Tiiey made use of ink in copying upon vellum 
 and parchment. But notwithstanding the want of a 
 press, they were not without satyric salt in their wri- 
 tings. Nor are we to suppose that they were alto- 
 gether free from what we denominate scurrility. 
 
 _■ They could call a spade a spade. Aristophanes was 
 a blackguard. His Comedy of the Clouds is a suffici- 
 ent specimen. Lucilius. amongst tlie Rom -.ns was a 
 rough man. Cum luiulentus flueret. &c. Do we sup- 
 pose that nature was not then the same as ii is now ? 
 On board the Roman gallics was th.ere no low Imi- 
 niour ? In the Roman cam i>s none ? In the Forum 
 no occasional ribaldry ? Would not this naturally get 
 
 I up into higher walks ? Would it not creep into ( or- 
 
 ! porations? sometimes in verse j sonie times in prose. 
 
^ MODERN CHIVALRr. 
 
 The poet speaks of the fesscenine verse:*. Amongst 
 the Romans the Saturnaiii, or duys of Saturn became 
 a festival, in which it was allowable to exercise their 
 facukies in all intemperance of language. 
 
 This is all wide of the question, said an unlearned 
 man, holdinj^ his hand upon his nose ; it is shall wt 
 tolerate the pole-cat in this villat^e ? — For, maugre 
 all the pains that may have been taken to restrain the 
 pett, and confine it by a matting, I feel a portion of the 
 fetor this very moment, come across my nose, by a 
 puff of wind from that quarter, where it u. I move 
 that the question be taken, whether, whatever becomes 
 of the press, the nuisance of this beast, be suffered in 
 the vicinity. For what can a newspaper do, compar- 
 ed with this ? It is sent us and we read the publica- 
 tion. But this is involuntary, on our part, and there 
 is no saving ourselves from the exhalation. 
 
 I move the previous question said a friend to the 
 baboon ; I move that the press be put down. 
 
 There is hardship ,both ways, said an elderly inha- 
 bitant. In a community different interests will exist. 
 Family interests ; family attachments ; party concep- 
 tions ; and party interests. To have a printer all on 
 one side, is an inequality. What if we prevail upon 
 the owner, or as he would call himself the publisher 
 of the pole-cat, to give up or sell out his establish- 
 ment, dismiss the wild beast, or return it to the moun- 
 tains, and institute-in its place, a counter press of types 
 and black-ball that may be a match for Porcupine. 
 
 The Captain, rising hastily ; a thing unusual with 
 him ; for he was naturally grave and sedate ; but sud- 
 denly feeling the impulse of the congruity, he started 
 from his seat, and seconded the proposition of another 
 press ; for said he, the very kind of editor qualified 
 for such a press, is at hand ; a waiter of mine. A 
 bog-trotter, taken, not on the Balagate, but, on the 
 Irish mountains: an aboriginal of the island; not your 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 23 
 
 Scotch-Irish, so called, a colony planlecl in Ulster, by 
 king James the first of England, when he subdued 
 the natives ; but a real Paddy, with the brogue on his 
 tongue, and none on his feet ; brought up to sheep- 
 stealing from his youth ; for his ancestors inhabiting 
 the hills, were a kind of freebooters, time immemo- 
 rial, coming down to the low grounds, and plundering 
 the more industrious inhabitants. Captured by traps 
 set upon the hills, or surrounded in the bogs, attempt- 
 ing his escape, he had been tamed and employed, 
 many years, digging turf, before he came to my 
 hands. I bought him from an Irish vessel, just as a 
 curiosity, not that I expected much service from him ; 
 but to see what could be matle of a rude man by care 
 and patience. The rogue has a low humour, and a 
 sharp tongue ; unbounded impudence. And what 
 may be a restraint upon the licentiousness of his press., 
 should he set up one, he is a most abominable coward; 
 the idea of cudgeling will keep him in bounds ; 
 should he over-match Porcupine, and turn upon his 
 employers. He has all the low phrases, cant expres- 
 sions, illiberal reflections, that could be collected from 
 the company he has kept since he has had the care of 
 my horse, and run after my heels in town and country 
 for several years past. What is more, he has been in 
 France, and has a spice of the language, and a tang of 
 Jacobinism in his principles, and conversraion, that 
 "will match the contrary learning carried to an exor- 
 bitant excess in Porcupine. I do not know ihat you 
 can do better than contribute to a paper of his setting- 
 up. He may call it the Mully-Grub, or give it some 
 such title as will Ix speak the nature, of the matter 
 it will usually contain. 
 
 The academician at this came forward. I am far, 
 ^aid he, trom a disposition to spoil sport ; but when 
 the useful is mixed with the jest, I coiuit every point 
 :.|;ained» 
 
^4 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Omne tulit punctum — 
 
 I never had intehded more, said the pole-cat man, 
 thanio reach the sensatioiii ot the niullitude, and bring 
 them to their senses. It is only by an appeal lo the 
 sense of feeling that the rviind sometimes can be 
 awakened. The public have now some idea that the 
 licentiousness of the press, is not niore a nuisance in 
 the moral, than offensive smells are in the physical 
 world. I will agree that the cat be removed, and as h 
 substitute, shall subscribe to the Muily-Grub. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 ¥■ 
 
 THE day after the town meeting, the Capt?in 
 l>c?an to reflect, that he could not avoid being implica- 
 ted in the character of the paper about to be establish- 
 ed. O'Regan was known to be his servant ; at least 
 !to be under his influence, and he v/ould be consider- 
 ed the real editor; Teague the ostensible, and though 
 j the fact was known at home, that he had nothing to 
 \ do with it, yet abroad, it would bear a different con- 
 i struction, and refutation would be difficult. Having 
 l^ supported the character of a gentleman, and being 
 i ^till willing to support that character, how could he 
 ^! endure to Jiave the volumes of scurrility, that would 
 |C appear, imputed to him ; or supposed to be admitted 
 ■- with his approbation. Uneasy with this upon his 
 I mind, he could see no way to ^et out of tl^e labyrinth 
 * in which he had involved himself, by inadvertently 
 proposing Teague. He thought it however his duty, 
 to disclose to the bog-trotter, the office to which he 
 was destined. Maintaining good faith, he was un- 
 willing to make use of his infliience to dissuade from 
 the undertaking ; or to deter by representing the 
 danger that existed, and the consequt- nces that might 
 nsue. This he could easily have done, by suggest- 
 ■ the guillotine, or even a cudgeling, the more 
 
 VAKT II. VOL. I. C 
 
2G MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 common mode of punishment, in this republiCv But 
 good taith forbade. 
 
 Rut what was the amazement of every one, when 
 news was brouj^ht, that Porcupine, tiad decamped in 
 the mean time. Wheliier it was that the talents of 
 Teague had been magnified, and he did not choose 
 to engage in competition with one so much his supe- 
 rior, lest he should lo%e by comparison, the reputa- 
 tion he had acquired ; or what is more likely, the 
 constables were after him for debt, his press and 
 types having been seized the day before, and sold for 
 rent, and new demands, of a smaller nature coming 
 against him, fines and penalties also hanging over 
 him for libels ; and damages recoverable in actions 
 of defamation ; but so it was, that he had disappear- 
 ed. 
 
 The Captain was relieved from the embarrassment 
 which he had endeavoured to conceal, because he 
 now saw a way open to set aside the idea of a pressj 
 Avhich he had reason to apprehend his bog-trotter 
 ■would not be competent to conduct with reputation. 
 
 Townsmen, and fellow-citizens, said he, seizing 
 an opportunity to speak, the reason has ceased upon 
 which we had proposed to act : the setting up 
 the bog-trotter in the capacity of an editor as a 
 match for Porcupine, for he has disappeared ; 
 and what need we buff at the bear when there; 
 is no bear to buff at. Unless indeed We could set 
 him up, expectinii; from him a chaste and pure puper 
 containing solid information, and strictures usehil to 
 tiie republic But tiiat from his education and man-, 
 ners, we have no reason to expect; It is true, if he' 
 had sense to collect the ideas, and, give them expres- 
 sion, he has had oppartuniiies to observe what if 
 known aiid digested, might essentially serve to pre-l 
 serve from extremes in a free government. He has 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 27 
 
 seen the folly of the people of France, if, those occa- 
 ionally thrown into the representative assemblies, 
 could be called the people. He has seen the folly of 
 these in reducing ull things to the firs', elements in- 
 stead of acconiinodatinp^ to existini^ establishments ; 
 of deracinating from tlie foundation cliurch and state, 
 and bandying the term liberty until ignorance and 
 usurpation terminated in despotism. For though at 
 the commencement ol a revolution, active and unin- 
 formed spirits, are useful, or perhaps absolutely ne- 
 cessary, like the subterranean fire throwing up conti- 
 nents ; yet as in this case, the fostering dews, and the 
 breath of the atmosphere, are necessary to give soil 
 and impregnate with vegetation ; so after the stirrings 
 # of mens minds, with a political convulsion, deliberate 
 reason, and prudent temperament are necessary, to 
 preserve v.'hat is gained, and turn it to advantage. 
 But this sans culotte, for so he was called in France ; 
 and well he might; for he was -v^ithout feniorals 
 \vhen he went away, and when he came back ; this 
 sans culotte is not a Mirabeau. He has kept no 
 journal : he has made no observations except of 
 mens heads chopped off by the guillotine. He has 
 brought back little with him, but ce que dit ; que ce 
 vous la ; dcnnez moi, and such like. I think we are 
 weU oft with him and let him go to his vocation. 
 
n- MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 OBSEHVATIONS. 
 
 Tf IE preceding chapters were written some 
 years ago, while an editor of the name of Cobbet, 
 published a paper under the title of " Porcupine." 
 But tlie breaking up of that paper in a manner simi- 
 lar to that just stated, prevented the going on with 
 the allegory, or the handing to the public by the way 
 of the press, in some shape the pamphlet begun. 
 Some time since, the appearance of a certain Cullen- 
 der, in a paper under the title of the Recorder, had 
 induced me to look at what 1 had intended for Porcu- 
 pine, and to think of continuing it to some point 
 and winding up of the story ; but the man drowning 
 himself, or being drowTied by accident, stopped me 
 in my intention, as it would be like throwing water 
 on a dead, or as the proverb is, a drowned rat, to say 
 any thing that had a relation to him. 
 
 But having a little Itisure on my hands, and in 
 warm weather, liking light work, I amused myself 
 with saying some things that were on my mind on 
 other subjects, and I thought I would make this which 
 I had already v/ritten, the introduction. For the fact 
 is, that I mean this tale of a Captain travelling, but 
 as a vehicle to my way of thinking on some subjects; 
 just as the ancients introduced speakers in a dialogue, 
 occasionally at banquets ; or as the philosophers in 
 their walks and conversations, moralized in parables, 
 and feigned cases, a way of reasoning, and address- 
 
MoDERISf CHIVALRV. ^y 
 
 less offending the self-love of men than what has the 
 appearance of immediate and direct instruction. Nor, 
 will the publication of the foregoing hints on the illibe' 
 ralicij of the press, be thought, even now altogether 
 useless ; for though since the death, or departure, of 
 the two monsters just named, there has been an ebb 
 of this flood of scurrility, yet dropping the figure, the 
 American press, has not been wholly free from the 
 stains of the like paragraphs. The application therefore 
 may not be wholly without an object, and, in the paint- 
 ing there may be seen some exi^t-ting resemliiances. 
 For though, as the almanac-makers, say '' it is calcu- 
 lated for a particular meridian, yet it may without sen- 
 sible variation, serve other laiitud^^s.'* No man can 
 have a higher opinion of the dignity of station occu- 
 pied by the editor of a p^per under a free government, 
 than I have I think it one of the most honourable, as 
 Well as the most useful in society. I am unwilling 
 therefore that it be degraded, and 1 am happy to ob- 
 serve that the example of the two monsters mention- 
 ed, has had the effect to disgust the public^ 
 
 I take the pulpit, the courts of judicature, and the 
 press, to be the three erreat means of sustaining and 
 enlightening a republic. The Scripture is replete 
 ■vvilh the finest sayings of morality. With a scholar 
 of the Latin and the Greek school, it is delightful to 
 quote in conversation, or writin.y;, the classical sen- 
 tences of antiquity, aptly applying them to the occa- 
 sion : enricliing the discourse with apposite thouglits ; 
 pleasing the hearer, or the reader, and doing crcclii to 
 the person himself ; drawing out from his treasury, 
 thnigs new and old. But these writings of ai>. oi iei.tal 
 cast, contain pithy observations up^.n '.iic- and manners, 
 than which there can be nothhig more dcfligiiiiul to 
 remember and quote, and more profitable to carry in- 
 to^ practice. Reading the vScriptures by young peo- 
 c 3 
 
io MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 p!e ; hearing them explained and introduced by quo- 
 tation, sermon and lectures from the pulpit, raises the 
 affections to virtue, and helps tne judgment in the con- 
 duct of life. 
 
 The courts of judicature, are a school of justice, 
 and honour. A great i; round of the law, are tiie prin- 
 ciples of univeisa' justice. The discussion of coun- 
 cil ; the verdicts of juries, the decision of the courts, 
 have respect (o the great principles of moral honesty.^ 
 But the sphere is confined, compared with that of 
 the press, which has an extensive range ; and for this 
 reason ought to preserve the greater delicacy in lan- 
 guage and sentiment. Even the war of the sword 
 has its laws —It is not allowable to poison springs, or 
 the means of life. In a paper war nothing is justifia- 
 ble that does not tend to establish a position, or deter- 
 mine a controversy ; that which outrages humanity, 
 is the cruelty of a savage who puts to death with tor- 
 ture, or disfigures, to gratify revenge. 
 
 To know what may be said in a paper, or in what 
 manner it may be said, the editor whom the public a- 
 lone knows, need only consider what would become a 
 gentleman to say, in promiscuous society. Whether 
 conversing in the manner he writes, or in which, what 
 is inserted, is written, he would be heard with respect, 
 and treated with civility. Good breeding is as neces- 
 sary in print as in conversation. The want of it e- 
 qu ally entitles to the appellation of an ill-bred-man. 
 The press can have nj more licence than the tong\ie. 
 At the tribunal of common senses it has less, because 
 an expression might escape a man, which might re- 
 ceive pardon, or excuse, as the offspring of inudver- 
 tence ; but writing is deliberate, and you may turn 
 buck and strike out the allusion, or correct the term. 
 
 National character is hiierested in the delicacy of 
 the press. U is a disgrace to a people to have amongst 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. '^ It 
 
 ihem volumes of scurrility circulated through their 
 post-offices, with a peculiar privilege of centage, 
 placed upon the benches in our public houses, or sent 
 home to our private dwellings. 
 
 Is this the occupation to which it ought to be an 
 honour to belong , to which a father would wish to 
 put a son, having educated him with the best advan- 
 tages, and giving hira, as htj had thought, a duty as 
 sacred as the priesthood, and with a more exclusive 
 sphere of action than the barririter ; having it in high 
 commission by the constitution of his country, " to 
 canvass the conduct of men in public offices," and 
 inform, the public, " where the matter is proper for 
 public information." 
 
 It does not follow, that because a man takes a pa- 
 per, that he approves of all that is in it. It is cer- 
 tainly censurable to continue our subscription to a 
 paper, the prevaihng tenor of which is defamatory of 
 individuals ; but were we to reject a paper because 
 it is occasionally so, there are few papers that we 
 should take at all. The American press, has been 
 abominably gross, and defamatory, and there are few 
 publications of this nature, that have been at all times 
 unexceptionable. A man will be astonished some- 
 times to hear of himself, or of others, what has not 
 the slightest foundation, but in the invention of the 
 paragraphist. There may be some prototype, filmy 
 origin to the unsubstantial fabric ; perhaps not even 
 a vapour, but in the breath of the defamer. Is the 
 assassin odious, and not the author of anonymous 
 abuse ? Yet such is the error of opinion with some, 
 that they think it not dishonourable to attack anony- 
 mously. It is cowardice in a free country, where 
 the law is equal ; where no C^ssar exists to makt it 
 necessary to conceal the author of the pasquinade, 
 A brave man will scorn subterfuge, and shade. Ad 
 honest man will avow himself and his opinions. 
 
^2 MODERN CHIVALRY^ 
 
 CH \PTER IV*. 
 
 NOTWITHSTANDING the Captain thought 
 he had got quil of Tcai^iie, in the matter of the press, 
 he had siill aonie trouble. For the bog-trotter w^s 
 dissaiisfied. He had an hankering after tiie editor- 
 sliip. and talked of tik'ng up subscriptions. To put 
 him off, the Captain su,^gested the publishing his 
 travels Teague, aoki he, if many a man had what 
 you have in your power, he would make a fortune by 
 it. You have been in the Conciergerie. I hat of it- 
 self, might make a chapter that would fill a volume. 
 If you take up subscriptions, why not for such a work 
 as that ? It will bcll for a ready penny these limes ; I 
 would advise you to go about it. 
 
 Och, on my slioul, said Teague, but it would make 
 a book as big as tlie pi lists' bible, if I was to tell all 
 dat I saw on toder side de great water. In dat great 
 country, old France ; where de paple talk all at once 
 wid de brogue on deir tongues, and say nothing. De 
 devil burn me, but deir f^jutres, and parbleus, would 
 make a book, as big cis a church staple. 
 
 Well done Teague, said the Captain ; you must 
 then set about it. The first tling it will behoove you 
 to consider, is the manner m which it will be written; 
 Whetiier your narration shall be in the first [./erson, as, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 33 
 
 « I did this," and " I said that ;" op whether in the 
 third person, as it were one speaking of you, as, 
 *' O'Regan having done so, and made an ohservalion 
 to this effect." And whether it shall be in the way 
 of continued narrative, with chapters, or in the shape 
 of a journal, or be cast in the way of letter. For all 
 these modes of writing are used as best suits the tra- 
 veller ; or may be thought most pleasing to the read- 
 er. One advantage you will have, that you need not 
 stick pertinaciously to the truth ; for travellers have 
 a licence to deviate ; and they are not considered as 
 on oath, or upon honour in giving their accounts ; 
 embellishment is allowable. Some illumination of 
 the narrative: though, confining yourself to the truth 
 strictly, I make no doubt, your story will be suffici- 
 ently extravagant, and of course, border on the mar- 
 vellous. 
 
 The fact was, that the bog-trotter had incidents 
 sufficient to enliven his history. He had been in the 
 suit of Anachaisis C loots, and personated an Esqui- 
 maux Indian ; he had been talten up in a balloon 
 some distance from the earth, and let down by a pa- 
 rachute, instead of a sheep. It is true, this was not 
 with his own consent, but by force ; the Parisians 
 thinking it of little account whether the experiment 
 was made with him or a less valuable animal. It is 
 true, to make amends for this, a royalist lady fell in 
 love with him, thinking he had a resemblance to the 
 young Duke of Orleans. He had made a fortunate 
 escape in the conciergerie. A prisoner in the next 
 cell. No. 1, finding the letter G, put upon his door, 
 which stands for guillotine ; exchanged for a few 
 louis's with 0'Reg:an, No. 2 — But an order came to 
 reprieve No. 1, and to take No. 2, meaning the bog- 
 trotter. The consequence was, that the Frenchman 
 was put into the cart, and our sans culotte escaped. 
 
34 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 It wotild make a book, to exhaust these particulars, 
 and rmny more that occurred. The Captain havini^ 
 recommended the work, was concerned to have it 
 accomplislied with some credit to those concerned, 
 and therefore thouj^ht it advisable to give the author 
 some hints before he entered on the task. 
 
 Teague, said he, the first thins^ to be thought of. is 
 a place to write. The extremes are two, the cellar and 
 the garret The cellar was chosen by an orator of 
 Greece, to write his orations, or at least to prepare 
 for tile writing them ; for in this, he is said to have 
 copied over eight times the history of Thucidydes. 
 Whether it is the darkness, or the solitude of the ca- 
 vern, that is congenial to the talent of v/riting, may be 
 a question. I should think, however, that the serial 
 mansion of a garret is most favourable to the lighter 
 species of '.vrieing, such as madrigals ; or paragraphs 
 in magazines, or novels. But as yours is a serious 
 work, it may be above the subterranean, and below the 
 firmament. Perhaps a middle story may suffice. It 
 will depend, however, c-n your head. If you find 
 yourself light, go down ; if heavy, mount ; and thus 
 adjust your apartment to your feelings. The wasps 
 chuse the garret ; but the spider is found in the cel- 
 lar ; and his weaving is an emblem of the composi- 
 tion of an author. 
 
 As to stile, just v/rite as you would speak, and give 
 your account with simplicity, without affectation ; 
 understanding your subject well, and using no more 
 words, than is necessary to express your meaning. 
 
 As to paper, whether common or woven ; or as to 
 type, whether single or double pica ; these are terms 
 I do not understand. I see thtm in the advertise- 
 ments, and that is all I know about them Whether 
 duodecimo, octavo, or folio, will depend upon tlit 
 bulk of what is to be printed. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE Captain had now been more than a 
 month at home, niakini^ enquiry into the history of 
 the vllldge ; what changes in the domestic aifairs of 
 his neighbours ; what good or bad fortune had hjip- 
 pened to individuals, at the same time walking 
 through the town, and observing^ the improvements 
 or dilapidiiiions in the buildins^s or streets It was 
 obvious that little attention had been puid, for some 
 time, lo public works ; the pavements were neE^lect- 
 ed, and the ways and water-courses suffered to fill up. 
 An aqueduct bet^un, to bring a sprini>; from the hill, 
 was left unfinished. 
 
 What can be the reason of all this, said he, to the 
 citizens ? 
 
 It was answered, that the chief and assistant bur- 
 gesses had been extravagant ; that the works, which, 
 by the charier of incorporation they had a power to 
 project, were extensive, and the consequent taxes 
 \vhich ihey had a lij^ht to impose, and wl.ich became 
 necessary, were thought oppressi.e. The people had 
 left out these officers at the annual tlection, and 
 chosen new. Thut these wishing to preserve popu- 
 larity, had let all matters rest, and had neither madfi 
 improvements, nor raised taxes* 
 
36 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 And win this please always. They have turned 
 out one set for doing too much ; and they will turn 
 out the other next for doing nothing. 
 
 But why not hit a medium, said the Captain ? 
 
 A difficulty occurs, continued the speaker. In the 
 works projected, the people insist that no man shall 
 be consulted in his own occupation. The mason shall 
 make out the bills of scantling ; and the carpenter 
 determine the arches of a stone bridge. 
 
 That is, said the Captain, as in a city that I passed 
 through in my travels. The physicians claimed a 
 right to judge of laws, and the lawyers of physic. 
 Reversing the maxim, that every man is to be trust- 
 ed in his own profession. 
 
 This is republicanism run mad. The sovereign 
 people would do well to imitate other sovereigns, at 
 least in this ; that they trust even foreigners in the 
 arts, and not by an unreasonable jealousy, loose the 
 advantage ^qf judgment, which it is not in the nature 
 of things, that they themselves can possess. 
 
 Political divisions will always exist. It is insepa- 
 rable from the nature of a community. And it is 
 not ,in the nature of things that the power can be long 
 on one side. The duration depends ujion the judgment 
 of using it. The people will revolt from themselves 
 when they find they have done wrong, and that side 
 which was now the weakest will become the strong- 
 est. 
 
 Accounts were received, and Teague himself occa* 
 sionally announced that he had succeeded in taking 
 up subscriptions for his commentaries. But it had 
 never occurred to any one that the bog-trotter could 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. ^r 
 
 ^ ^lelther read nor write. But . the difficulty now pre- 
 * senting itself, a school-master offered his services to 
 
 I* be his amanuensis. 
 Buc amongst the advertisements on the tavern and 
 • shop doors, the Captain observing one day a notice of 
 the want of a suitable person in the academy lo instruct 
 ;. in the French language, he was led to reflect, that af- 
 i ter dictating his publication, Teogue would be out of 
 ; employment, and that a vacancy of this kind might 
 ' tally with his faculties, having been in France, the very 
 country where the language was vernacularly spoken ; 
 that his attainments must be much superior to those 
 who had acquired the 'oi :;ue only from dead books, 
 ^ . the ear not accustomed to the sounds of familiar con- 
 versation. 
 
 Losing no time he waited on the Principal of the 
 - Academy, and gave him an account of the pedeseque, 
 ■and of his pretensions. 
 
 The Principal was astonished ; but concealed his 
 •surprize. He could easily comprehend the incompe- 
 I tency of this man to teach the language in a school 
 of learning, where it is expected to be taught gram- 
 matically ; and the absurdity of taking his lingo, for 
 French, if he had the brogue in that pronunciation 
 as he had in English. But it might not be so easy a 
 miatter to convince the Captain ot this who appeared 
 to have an undue opinion of his acquirements. Ne- 
 vertheless he endeavoured to make himself intelligi- 
 ble on this subject, by observing that there was a 
 ■wide difference between a public professor in a col- 
 lege, and a private tutor who attends pupils occasion- 
 ally ; that in a seminary of learning the rudiments of 
 a language were Usually tauglit by rules ; and it was 
 an object to understand the p^irts of speech into whicli 
 the tongue was divided ; the use of tlie articles, if 
 there were any ; the inSexigiis of the cases, the y^vU 
 
 PART II. VOL, I. 9- 
 
3S MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ations of the genders, the conjugations of the verbs; 
 the concords of syntax ; and after all this the idiom, 
 or peculiar phrases, and structure of the sentence : 
 that from what the Captahi liad informed him, and 
 ^vhat he himstlf had gleaned from others, of the cha» 
 racterislics of this subordinate, the actademy was not 
 liis province, but the village. He might employ his 
 tak-nts to advanlao^e, instructing young gentlemen 
 £.nd ladies in the knov/Iedge of the r'rench tongue, at 
 tUeir own houses ; wiih a grammar, and without a 
 dicUonary ; or without a grammar ; and with the 
 voice and Miction only. For in fact it was of little 
 consequence how lUey were taught ; for they would 
 k-arn nothing : and barbers ^*id tumblers that had 
 come in and undertaken to instriict; had done as well 
 as wiser masters ; for they had amused their pupils ; 
 and amusement was all that pupils would be willing 
 to receive. Enough if iliey can get a word or two that 
 sounds like French, to throw out to a lady in a dance; 
 as parlez vous mudame ; or s'l vous plais. 
 
 It may be a digression, said the Captain ; but it is 
 a profitable lesson. Do you conceive that the Ame* 
 rican youtli are too hastily manufactured, and come 
 forward too soon irito life. 
 
 Unquestionably, said the Vvitu ipal. Education here 
 is unnaturally liastened. Our minority is too short 
 to make a great man. We " oversttp the modesty 
 of nature," and suffer our young men to come forward 
 into councils that require tbe heads of age. Hence 
 our juvenile speeches in debates. Hence the wild 
 fjre in our councils. The young gentlemen of the 
 villaoe are above learning; as soon as they have got on 
 a pair of pantaloons, and lialf boots. They are out 
 of their education, and mm bfforc their time. We 
 had an election the other day ; for a chief burgess. 
 It was a matter of aslcrdshmer.t to those of the old 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 30 
 
 school, to see a youth come forward, born after lii^ 
 competitor had been ranked with the saj^cs of the vil- 
 lage, and claim the suffrages of the ciiizcns. It liud 
 an unfavourable effect upon the very dumb creation. 
 It was not enough that the lads under age, began to 
 raise their voices, and vociferate ; but it seemed that 
 the young of animals had gained upon their growth, 
 and were old before they had attained maturity. The 
 young dogs barked more ; whether it was from an 
 impression of the atmosphere ; or an imitation of the 
 sounds of men. 
 
^ MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 TO give the bog-trotter time to write his his- 
 tory, the Captain turned his attention for a while to 
 other objects. There was en old lawyer^ in the vil- 
 lage that had left off practice, and accoi-npanied by a 
 blind fidler, gave lectures occasionally, at what he 
 called his inns of court, on the practice of the law, of 
 v/hich he pretended to have had great experience ; 
 ^and in fact he had been a long time at the bar ; and 
 from age was now unfit for the circuit, especially be- 
 ing blind, and unless in a carriage, which the roads 
 did not well admit, could not conveniently go abroad ; 
 and the small practice of the village, scarcely sufficed 
 for the occupation of his time, or the means of his 
 support. The want of sight rendered him incapable 
 of conveyancing, and all he could do was to give 
 council, or argue a cause by which he made a penny ; 
 but to fill up his time, and put his learniiig to ac- 
 count, he had set on foot lectures for young students, 
 and amused himself at intervals with a tune on ihe 
 violin which the fidler played, and for which the by 
 standers threw in a five-penny bit of silver, such of 
 them as did not attend to the law lecture, or could 
 derive any benefit from it. Thus, clubbing their ta- 
 lents, and joining^ in amusement, and in business as 
 
Modern cmvAtRY. At 
 
 joined in the loss of vision, they made a living; • thd 
 scraper receiving liis six cents and a half for Lis tune 
 on the in?tnunent, and the lawyer the same money 
 for his breath on the abstract subject of the study and 
 practice of the law. 
 
 It may be asked how it came to pass, that he could 
 lay down the principles of a successful practice in a 
 profession, and at tiie same time not to ha\e become 
 enriched by it himself, so as to be above the necessity 
 in his old age, of makin.^ money, by the best means 
 in his power to procure his support, the profession 
 being; lucrative itself, especially where any one ex- 
 cels in the knowledge of it, and is ordinarily indus- 
 trious in the pursuit. But the answer is easy ; that 
 the making money and keeping it are two distinct 
 things : for so it was, that this lawyer now blind, had 
 let a great deal of business go through his hands, 
 •without making much by it ; from a want of skill to 
 make money stick. He thought always more of gain- 
 ing the suit and the praise of managing it well, than 
 of the fee. Hence it was that he had credit as a plead" 
 er, but not as the maker of a great estate. 
 
 It is doubtless a general t^ale that the way to be rich 
 is to excel in your profession, and whoever excels 
 may in general be rich, and it is a folly not to make 
 this use of it. But we see that with all the lovers of 
 the arts, painting, music, statuary, eloquence, there 
 is a neglect of ricl>es, the mind carried off' from the 
 love of money, and placed upon the art itself The 
 main chance is ovei looked ; and it is only late in life 
 that the folly is discovered by the person himself, 
 though others had beeii remarking it all l-.is life long. 
 But though not profitable to tlie professor, to culti- 
 vate an art for its own sake, yet it is useful and pleas- 
 ing to the world ; and Quintilian who has left us a 
 book on the eloquence of the bar, is mare vakiedj be- 
 
42 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 cause he has given more pleasure to those who have 
 ©ome after him, than others who had made perhaps 
 more by their practice, but whose memory has gone 
 V'ith themselves, at the same time that their estates 
 went to others. 
 
 As a sample of the lectures of the blind lawyer^ 
 TT^e shall give the foIIowiDg. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 THE LECTURE. 
 
 IT is necessary to comprehend perfectly the 
 facts of the case, and this to enable ; 
 
 1 . To frame the action ; trespass, or trespass oti 
 the case ; tec. 
 
 2. To frame your declaration : that is, to put a 
 precise statement of the cause of action upon the re-- 
 cord. 
 
 - 3. To examine the witnesses, preparatory to the 
 trial. 
 
 I say nothing of the science necessary to draw a de- 
 claration ; though thtre is great delicacy and beauty, 
 in making a legal statement of your cause ofaclior^ 
 with brevity, perspicuity, and technical correc tness, 
 Kor do I mean to touch on the vigilance on your part 
 or liberality, to your adversaries, in conduciin;-; the 
 cause to issue and trial, taking rules and giving no- 
 tice. This is not the stage where all advautagts are 
 fair. These are preHminaries to the contest, and as 
 in the wager of battle the combatant makes oath, that 
 he uses no enchantment ; so a liberal lawyer will dis^- 
 dain to avail himself of an oversiglit, or take a catch 
 which has no effect upon the merits of a cause. If 
 he observes a defect which it becomes necessary to a- 
 mend, in civil cases, he will point it out and give leave 
 to do it. This I grant he is not bound to do ; but it is 
 for the credit of the profession that such liberality 
 should be cultivated, and justice "wiil lose nothing by 
 
44 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ft. Strict rules of pleading, strictly pursued, are uoi 
 inconsistent with this liberality ! Professional men, 
 can understand the boundaries and distinctions. It is 
 not within my present compass to go into them. 
 
 Preparatory to the tri d ; a great point is, the exa- 
 mination of tlie witnesses to be adduced by your cli- 
 ent ; such of them as are willing to say what they 
 know, prior to their being called in court. It is of 
 mornc^nt for you to know what you can prove by any 
 one of them, that you may bring them to the point 
 imm'-diately ; and save the thne of the court from im- 
 periinent relation. It is necessary for the sake of 
 your client to sift them well, antl know the testimony 
 they are about to give. The council above who has 
 thus silted them, should undertake to examine. When 
 the conduct of the cause, rests with me, and the re- 
 sponsibility, I would suffer no assistant to ask a ques- 
 tion of my witnesses Let him take his turn, and fill 
 pp his part in cross examining the witnesses of the ad- 
 versary. When the testimony is closed in a jury tiial, 
 the cause is usually lost or won : and a single ques- 
 tion injudiciously put, may have been the cause of 
 losing it. Yet there is nothing more difficult for a 
 leading council than to restrain the impetuosity of his 
 associates, and their avidity to ask questions. 
 
 It is a matter of great judgment when a witness 
 has answered welL to let the answer res+. It is fa- 
 vourable to truth to let it rest ; for by putting it a- 
 gain, snd again, you confuse the n>ind, and you may 
 get the very reverse of what he had before said ; or at 
 least you may get it so disturbed, as to be unintelligi- 
 i^le, and do you no good. 
 
 If it occurs to an assistant council who has not pre- 
 ^'iously examined ; that a question may be put with 
 advantage, he can suggest it to the leading, or exami- 
 ning council, and leave him to judge. The wish of 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. |% 
 
 S^^eming to be doiug something for his money is the 
 cause of that propensity to interrop;ate that prompts 
 improperly to take up the examination. 
 
 The takin<:j down the testimouy is so managed as 
 to consume time unnecessarily in our courts. All 
 concerned in a cause, must take down and wait for all. 
 The testimony must be taken down as if it was to be 
 read ac^ain to the coui't, or sent to the jury in the style 
 of a writteii deposition. Unnecessary matter is taken 
 down ; for there are seldom more than a few senten- 
 ces in the testimony of a witness that are material to 
 the cause. But it is to seem very busy, and doing 
 something for the client, where in fact nothing is done 
 that leads to an ostentation of taking down, even 
 where there is nothins^ to take. I have actually knowi> 
 this to take place at the bar. 
 
 Well ; what do you know of this matter ? 
 
 Why, in fact, I know little about it. 
 
 Stop, stop a little, let me take that down. 
 ;, Well ; you say you know little about the mattefc 
 
 Nothing at all— -only — 
 
 Stop, stop, let me take down what you have said-*. 
 
 A thing like this exhausts the patience ; yet it is 
 difficult for a court to correct it. It must depend up" 
 on the good sense of the council themselves, to select, 
 and confine their notes to what is of substance in th* 
 evidence. 
 
 The greatest effort in the management of a cause, 
 is the taking exception to evidence. For tliis purpose, 
 it is necessary that from the commencement of the 
 trial, the leading council lies by ; thinks much ; says 
 little ; bends his whole mind, to preserve himself un- 
 ruffled : sets forward the junior, and assistant coun- 
 cil to spar where it may be necessary j to make pro- 
 lusions, and gain time. 
 
4e MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 As for instance j a piece of evidence is offered. It 
 strikes the leading council, that exception lies against 
 it. But he is not clear ; nor is he prepared to sup- 
 port the exception. An assistant council takes the 
 exception. It is run down and completely answered. 
 Not a word more : but the leading council has had 
 time to consider. 
 
 If he had not thought proper to give it up ; he 
 would have risen in full force. 
 
 And if he had been answered with some shew of 
 reason, the assistant would have rejoined, and done 
 justice to the argument, hor let it not be thought 
 that though I mark the parts of the assistant council, 
 I do not well know that the greater lawyer, may have 
 the subordinate part assigned him ; or may fall into 
 that place, in the management of a cause, on the trial. 
 The greater general may happen to have the com- 
 mand of a detachment only ; or be employed to bring 
 on, or relieve, in the course of an engagement 
 
 For law is an image of war ; and as in war, the 
 greatest praise, is to discharge your duly wherever it 
 may be assigned ; so, on a tridl. A column standing 
 still, and never brought forward, or discharging .a 
 shot, but simply keeping ground, may have done the • 
 real execution, and gained the battle. A thought sug- 
 gested is sometimes more than an argument. 
 
 But, nevertheless elocuiion has its place, and noble 
 praise. It is delightful to hear one speak well where 
 lie ought to speak. '* The words of the wise are like 
 nails ; fastened in sure places.'* Great ihdulgence 
 must be made, for young pleaders ; but 1 have it not 
 in view to treat, not of what is to be indulged ; but of 
 \yhat is to be approved. Brevity is the soul of elo- 
 quence, and amplification, the usual fault. Few err 
 in saying too little. Tediousness is the more com- 
 mon extreme : padding, and beating on the point. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 47 
 
 f After a passion is excited, there is danger of " tearing 
 it to rags " 
 
 The opening of the case, before the evidence is in* 
 troduced, is a matter of some delicacy ; and a prin- 
 ciple is brevity ; and stating the proper proof, rather 
 below what it will turn out. When disappointed in 
 the expectation raised, the mind is dissatisfied, and 
 with difficulty can do justice to what is proved. It is 
 in the application of the evidence that eloquence finds 
 her province at the bar. And yet here it is that less 
 harm can be done by weak or unskilful advocates, 
 than in any part of the contest. The court and jury 
 are attached to the evidence. The mind is stedfast 
 upon this, and if a flourisher runs off; he may talk ; 
 it is only a loss of time. It is here that less experi- 
 enced council may be suffered to amuse themselves ; 
 and can do little harm, more especially if tiiere is 
 some one to follow to review the facts> apply the law, 
 and clench the argument. The harm that can be 
 done, is to weary the mind, and relax the spring of 
 attention. This is misclievous ; but cannot well be 
 prevented. The council must be heard. But there 
 is much less danger to a cause, in this, than from an 
 injudicious touch in the conduct of it, through the 
 evidence. 
 
 With regard to reading authorities in the opening, 
 t)r reply ; or in the conduct of the trial generally, I 
 have but a single observation. It is better to adduce 
 no authority, at all, than one which has a doubtful 
 application, because it brings in question the discern- 
 ment of the council ; and gives an opportunity to th6 
 adversary, to flourish and run down General reason^ 
 h a safer ground, than doubtful decisions. 
 
48 MODERN CHIVALR*. 
 
 CHAPTER Vn. 
 
 A great uproar had, in the mean time taketi 
 place in the village. The doctrine of abating nui- 
 sances, had been much in conversation, since the 
 town meeting in the matter of the pole-cat. It came 
 so far, that an incendiary proposed to abate, or bum 
 down the college. Because, said he ; all learning is 
 tt nuisance. 
 
 A town meeting had been called on the occasion ; 
 and whether from a wish to see a bon-fire ; or from 
 the hatred of the ignorant, to all that places the in- 
 formed above them ; the proposition however unrea- 
 sontible and illegal had its advocates. It had been 
 actually carried, and a person was now on his way 
 Vtlth a brand lighted to set fire to the building. 
 
 The alarm was given ; and the more considerate 
 lushed out to endeavour to prevent conflagration. 
 
 Force was v/m ; and reason avails little with a 
 mob. The only way to oppose their resolution is 
 indirectly by turning the current of their thoughts 
 aside and to the attaining the same thing in another 
 way. The principal and professors had harangued 
 in vain It was threatened that if they did not stand 
 out of the way, they \vould burn them, with the col* 
 lege. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 4t) 
 
 The Captuin had come up; and venturing to speak; 
 gentlemen, said he, it is not for the college that 1 am 
 about to speak ; it is for yourselves ; your object is 
 to put down learning; and do you not know that it is 
 put down already. Why will you do a useless thing? 
 It is calling in question your understanding, to do a 
 needless mischief. 
 
 Is not learning put down already ? the methodists 
 are the best preachers. Take a liorse jockey and in 
 two weeks from the jump, he is in a pulpit. No need 
 of Latin, Greek, Hebrew ; a pollyglot bible ; systems 
 of divinity ; a commentary, a treatise, an essay, or a 
 dissertation : all is plain sailing now. 
 
 All this tends to put learning down, so that you 
 have all the advantage of this, without the trouble. 
 Why burn the college ? 
 
 The building will serve useful purposes, when the 
 professors are driven out of it. 
 
 Politicians say, that though they have no learning, 
 they feel no want of it. Is it to be supposed that u 
 workman does not know whether he w ants tools ? 
 All this er.ds wiien learning and law are put do\ui. 
 Trial by battle must regulate society. We shall then 
 want barracks and hospitals. This building will ac- 
 comvnodate invalids. 
 
 I do not know, said a sedate man among the crowd, 
 whether after all, a little learning may not be in some 
 casts, useful. It is a g-eat helfi to 'weak jieople, I 
 have seen a book, tntilled, Hvk'. 5, and c^en to had iifi 
 cri/ipVd Chnsnans breeks. 1 hat is hooks and eyes to 
 hold up breeches. Alluding, by the bye, to hooks 
 and eyes which were in use before buttons. What are 
 called gallowses, have succeeded to the assistance of 
 buttons, but have not altogether superseded them. 
 Not that I mean to insinuate that the disuse of hooks 
 and eyes, lead to the gallows in the proper sense of 
 
 PART II. VOL. I. E 
 
50 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the v.'ord, any more than that learning docs. ThoUgli 
 many a man that wears buttons has l)een hung. Per- 
 haps more without buttons. than with them. But I 
 mean to say that a young man, before he comes to 
 the years of discretion may as well be employed in 
 learning to make marks upon paper, as playing at 
 nine-mens-morrice, and it does limi no more harm 
 to try to read Greek, than to trace partridge tracks. 
 The mind must be employed in something to keep 
 it out of harm's way, and recltision in a seminary is 
 useful, if for nothing else at least to keep young peo- 
 ple within doors, which the academician could not 
 easily do, unless, the device of books was used to be- 
 i;uile the hours of study. And though a great part 
 of their learning, is but the knowledge of hocks and 
 crocksy yet the exercise of the mind renders them more 
 expert in thinking ; and though Latin is of no more 
 use to raise tlie devil than English, now a days ; yet 
 it is a gentle exercise to learn it, and makes the boys 
 grow faster. It keeps them from their mothers who 
 are apt to spoil their offspring by too much indul- 
 igence. The idea of getting a task, accustoms the 
 mind to obedience. Now there are sonic branches 
 of science that are really useful, such as speaking and 
 writing intelligibly, and casiing up accounts. Nor 
 is the time aitogtiher thro^vn away in learning ma-^ 
 thematics, especially tlie tiieory of t!»e mechanical 
 powers. Some are of Opinion that this study has 
 been of grciit use in navigation, and water works. 
 The ancients iouiid their account in it, in the con- 
 struction of the Catapult. i)ut, at least, what harm> 
 in lettiui^,' pedr.nts chop logic, and boys laugh, in the 
 KciViinaritb ? A htrring pickle, -or a Merry Andrew^ 
 is allowed to anAise people, and we do not pull down 
 their stalls A \entril04uist is suffered to take hi3 
 doUur from U3j and we make no remonstrance. Lcc= 
 
MODERIn chivalry. 5! 
 
 tares, on moral philosophy are at least as ii.nocent as 
 this. I do not know any better recreation for a lad 
 of mettle than to listen to a dissertation on eloquence^ 
 or a discourse on chronolop:y, and history. It shar- 
 pens his wit to talk over affairs with Lis equals. But 
 there is one reason that serves for a hundred- Ii is 
 not every one that is born a genius, and can do with- 
 out the help of education. I am therefore for conti- 
 nuing these crudities a little longer. When we can 
 afford it better, we can pull down the college. This 
 speech had a good effect, and the mob retired. 
 
 But before they were aware, the flame had broken 
 out in another direction. The mob retiring, had en- 
 tered into altercation amongst themselves, and began 
 to blame one another. Some, for not going on to 
 burn the college, and othei's, for having thought of it 
 at all. In opposition to the last, the first grew outrage- 
 ous, and began to exclaim, and to curse and to swear, 
 and said, damn them, but if they had not burned a 
 college, they would burn or pull down, a church. 
 They had actually prepared faggots, and were on their 
 way a second time, to execute a new mischief. 
 
 The alarm was given, the chief burgess, and assist- 
 ants, and respectable inhabitants assembled I Great 
 reliance was had upon the Captain, from his success, 
 in the former instance ; and when the two forces, 
 that of the mob, and that of the community stood face 
 to face, and were in opposition, ready ttD fall on, the 
 one to commit waste, and the other to defend, he 
 was called upon to come forward and harangue. 
 
 He obeyed instantly, but was well aware that a stra- 
 tagem in war cannot succeed a second time, and there- 
 fore instead of attempting to decoy and turn aside 
 their passions, thought proper to attack them direct- 
 ly by the opposite, fear. Madmen, said he, Avhat da 
 you mean? Is it to rob, plunder and murder thr.t yo\i 
 
62 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 have assembled ? Come on ; but in coming you must 
 meet with this weapon, brandishing his hunger ; I am 
 alone; but a legion is behind me and will be with 
 me speedily. 
 
 But as I am at all times averse from the use of 
 force until it becomes necessary ; I am willing in 
 the mean time to hear reason. Why is it that yoa 
 would pull down a church, and abolish the christian 
 w^orship in the village ? 
 
 it is not our intention to abolish Christianity, said a 
 grave man amongst them, but to put down the preach- 
 er at tl'is place ; who is not an American republican, 
 but quotes the English commentators in his sermons, 
 Henry's annotations on the Bible ; Burket on the 
 New-Testamtnt ; Pool's Synopsis, Tillotson and 
 Baxter, and many others. We wish to abolish these, 
 and have nothinc^ but our ov/n commentaries. Are 
 ■we to be drawin*^ our proofs from under a monarchy, 
 and rcfering to tracts and essays published in Great 
 Britain ? Hnve we no sense of our o^vn to explain 
 texts of Scripture, and apply doctrines ? It is time to 
 emancipate ourselves from these shackles, and every 
 man be his own expounder, or at least confine our 
 clergy to the Bible and the Psalm book, or such of 
 our divines, as have written amongst ourselves, and 
 -are of our own manufacture in a republican govern- 
 ment. 
 
 Religion, said the Captain, is of no government. 
 Wines are the better for being brought over seas, and 
 our best brandies are from monarchies. Where was 
 the cloth of that coat made ? Will you reject a good 
 piece of stuff because it c«me through the hands of 
 an aristocratic weaver ? These are false ideas of what 
 is right, and useful to mankind. The common law 
 is not the worse for having been the common law of 
 England, and our property and birth right which our 
 
MODEtlN CHIVALRY. *3 
 
 ancestors broup;ht with them ; nor is our Bible the 
 Worse for havin,^ been translated under James the 
 first of En^^land, which translation we slill u^e, and 
 from which we repeat all sentences of Scripture. Nor 
 are systems of theology, or harmonies of the evange- 
 lists the worse for having been written in another 
 country. Why do we use the English language ? Is 
 it not because we cannot easily substitute another ; or 
 have no better to substitute. The Shanese, or Dela- 
 ware, or Piankisha, may be softer, but not so copi- 
 ous or of equal energy and strength. But even if in 
 all respects superior, can we by an act of volitioi^, 
 transfer it into common use and make .it all at 
 once, our vernacular tongue ? 
 
 The grave man made no answ-r ; but the more 
 violent were still disposed to pull O.o.vn the church. 
 
 At the alarm created by the uproar, the peda> 
 gogue, and the pedeseque, who had in the mean iime 
 been engaged in composing the book, had run out, 
 and left the manuscript in hands, on the table. A 
 wag stepping in, had written an addition to a chapter. 
 And coming back, the school-master hud resumed 
 his labour, without observing it. The chapter in 
 hands was that which gave an account of his ascent 
 in a balloon ; and the addition was as folloM's : 
 
 ^' Passing a cloud, I put cut my hand, and 
 
 took a piece of it, and squeezed it like a spunge, ar,d 
 the water ran out. The sun went north about ; but 
 never set. At the distance of about fifty leagues above 
 the earth, we saw a white bird sitting on the corner 
 of a cloud. We took it to be one of Mahomeis pige- 
 
 E 2 
 
H MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ons. If we had had a gun we could have shot it. 
 Passing by the moon we saw a man selling lands at 
 auction. He wished us to give a bid ; but we told 
 him, we had not come to buy land in the moon. Wc 
 came across a comet, but it was asleep. It looked 
 like a tarapine ; but had a tail like a fox. 
 
 The balloon struck a wasp's nest, and we were in 
 danger of the stings. 
 
 Coming near a hail bank, we filled a hat : the hail 
 stones were about as large as a pigeon's egg. 
 
 A thousand miles above the earth we passed 
 through a field of turkey buzzards. This would 
 seem to be their region ; and accounts for the cir- 
 cumstance, that no one has ever found a nest of one 
 of these. Their rookeries are out of sight, in the at- 
 mosphere. 
 
 As we approached one of the heavenly bodies — It 
 appeared like an island. We struck upon a planet, 
 but Blanchard got out and pushed off the balloon. 
 We supposed it to be Mercury, as we heard orators 
 haranguing, and a multitude of tongues. 
 
 There were marriages going on in Venus, and in 
 Mars, we heard the drums beat. 
 
 In Jupiter we heard sv^earing, Proh! Jupiter; OX 
 Jupiter ! by Jupiter. 
 
 We meant to have a pull at one of Saturn's rings, 
 but were blown ofi'the coast, and found ourselves in 
 the latitude of Herschell. Provisions failing, we 
 thought proper to shape our course to the earth again* 
 
 The first thing we saw was the forest of Ardennes, 
 which appeared like a shamrock ; the Pyrenean 
 ii-iountains seemed a bed of parsley, and the Atlantic 
 Ocean, was about as large as Loch Swilly. 
 
 Witliin about a furlong of the earth, Blanchard 
 gave me the parachute, and I came down. It was in 
 a field of corn among reapers. They took me for a- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 5o 
 
 sheep, and thought to have mutton j but finding thck 
 mistake, they invited me to breakfast. 
 
 Teague with his amanuensis returning, resum- 
 ed his memoir, not observing the interlopation which, 
 in the mean time had been made. Some have thought 
 it was the best chapter in it. At least it is the most 
 extravagant. 
 
56 MODERN CHIVALRI^, 
 
 CHAPTER VIIL 
 
 HAVING now a little time upon his hands, 
 the Captain thought of repeating his visit to the blind 
 lawyer, and fidler ; and happening at an interval of 
 the blind man's lectures he drew him into conversa- 
 tion, on the subject of the law. What is this com- 
 mon law, said he, which you speak of, and why can- 
 not it be abolished ? The common law of England ! 
 ■why not a common law of our own ; now that we arc 
 an independent government ? 
 
 It is our own common law, said the lawyer. We 
 derive it from a common source with the inhabitants- 
 of Britain. Shall the people on that side the water 
 alone possess this jurisprudence, which our commonr 
 ancestors possessed, just because we have left the 
 island ? It was because our birth-right to this law was 
 questioned that we resisted in war, and declared our 
 independence. The right to representation is a prin- 
 ciple of the common law, and this right was denied 
 to the colonies. The right of trial by jury is a prin- 
 ciple of the common law, and this in some cases, was 
 abridged, in others, taken away altogether. On what 
 ground were these defended ; on the ground that 
 shey were our inheritance by the common law. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 5f 
 
 I iBut why called common law ? It was so called at 
 distinguished from the laws of particular places. It 
 was a system common to the whole people. The 
 term came into use after the heptarchy. 
 
 A ground of this law is reason ; or the principles 
 of universal justice. The application of these princi- 
 ples to particular cases, forms a great part of the com- 
 mon law : the application of the principles of justice 
 to that infinity of Qases, which arise on the inter- 
 course of men in a state of society : obligations inde- 
 pendent of contract, or conti^cts themselves. We 
 read the decisions in such cases, because the reason 
 of those who have gone before, is a help to those that 
 follow. 
 
 Rules of pleading, rules of evidence, the practice 
 of courts, are the result of experience, and our own ; 
 'or adopted by us, as a part of the common law. This 
 law forms a system bet^un in the woods of Germi^ny ; 
 taking its rise amongst our Saxon ancestors, it was 
 brought with them into Britain ; recei\ing accessions 
 from what it found good in the island to which it 
 came. 
 
 Abolish the common law ? why not abolish the art 
 of medicine, because it has been cultivated in Great 
 Britain ? Sydenham, Harvey and Mead, are thought 
 to have added to the science. The British chymists, 
 have increased the materia medica. Why not make 
 War upon the apothecaries, because they sell English 
 drugs ? 
 
•SB MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Just at that instant a hudy bnily was beard half, 
 a squ.ire distant ; people ruaoin^ into an apothecary 
 shop, and jul;s tiu'own out at the vvindo\v- It was a 
 mob collected to break up the Doctor. 
 
 A Latin master fronj the college, lifting up his 
 hands in tiie atiiuide of a man attempting to ring a 
 bell, was endeavouring to appease the multitude, in 
 such address as was on his tongue from the classic 
 authors : cives, cives, quis furor vos agitat ! vesania 
 quae versat ! qua dementia cepit ! Inlelix pecus ! oh I 
 heu ! proh . hominum. Insanire decct, ratione, mo« 
 doque. 
 
 It availed nothing. The outrage was continued. 
 Glass andearthen ware, broken ; powders and liquids 
 filled the atmosphere with vapour, and a vai«iety of 
 smells. Ah I said an orator, it ih full time to retum 
 ,to the simplicity ot early times, when men had re* 
 course, in case of internal diseases, or external 
 •wounds, to the barks of trees, or the plants of the 
 fields,, and had not yet become acquainted with extrac- 
 tions and decoctions put in phials, and called drops,, 
 to make the well sick, and poison the livinc^. 
 
 It would have made a good drawing in a picture, to 
 have seen the apothecary at work, in the mean time, 
 endeavouring to clear the shop, with a cudgel, some- 
 times pelting a rioter ; at other times breaking the 
 head of one of his own jugs. 
 
 A preacher stood by exhorting to carry on the 
 work. He had taken a text. " There is a time to 
 build, and a time to pull down." He thought this a 
 pulling down time. The greater part of his audi- 
 ence appeared to think him orthodox, and were shew- 
 ing their faith, b^ their works, at the expence of the 
 dispensary. Good God, called out the son of Escula- 
 pius, will no one assist ? shall I be ruined? The in- 
 dustry of years dissipated in a day : all my la\ul- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. sg 
 
 uniim, my ptppcr-mint, sulphur, vitiiol, oils, acids, 
 my tartar, and arsenic ; all gone to pot, or rather the 
 pots gone with them, jars, jugs, and glister-pipes i 
 Vf hat devastation ! what havock I Is it for sport, or 
 for profit ? Oh ; the folly, the fury, the madness of 
 the populace ! They are indeed the swinish multi- 
 tude. A herd of swine in a century, would not have 
 done so much damage. 
 
 At^his point of the game, whether by design, or ac- 
 cident, a cry of fire had been raised ; and the fire com- 
 pany with their engine and buckets were up, and be- 
 gan to play upon the buildhig, throv\ing the water in 
 at the windows, I'nd at the door, so thtit tht peoj.le in 
 the hoyse, and liie Doctor himself were as wet as rats, 
 and occasionc'liy the pipe carried rcund with a s\\etp, 
 came upon the by-:standers without. The preacher 
 got his Bible wet, and his Psalm book ; and the Latin 
 master called out " Jt.m satis ttrris;*' or that there 
 was rain enoueh ; and tiie orator, thought it anew 
 way, of quelling mobs. Tht Captain saici he had seen 
 something of tiie kind attcnipted in rtpressiiig beesj 
 when they swarmed, throwing water on them, and 
 tliut the I lots of men were ai.alogous. 
 
 But what can ll^.ey n.ei;n, suid a peace officer by at^ 
 ticking this mans boluses ? Do they meuu to put aa 
 end to the practice of physic? among tiie savages 
 they attribute aches, and pains in the llesh and boneij 
 to a bcid spirit that has got into t. e muhclcs, and the 
 tendons, and by rubbing with the hand, ami pressing 
 tl:e parts they endeuvcur to expel it. The chufhng 
 has sometimes a good effect, and if theie tlxould not 
 
60 MODERN CHIVALRV. 
 
 be an evil spirit to drive out, it eases and relieves from^ 
 the complaint. But though exercise and tempe- 
 rance may preserve health, and cold and warm ba- 
 thing, and friction of the joints may relieve from 
 rheumatic pain, yet in a multitude of cases the speci* 
 fics of pharmacy may be found useful ; especially h 
 a society of close population, where we have not woodj 
 and forest to run m, and where sedentary occupational 
 keep people silting half their time. And thoui^h af-J 
 ter all, the diagnosis, or dislinguishing diseases, is inj 
 many cases, but a guess, and the means of cure still] 
 more conjectural, yet still there is something in thej 
 province of science, and the skill of the well read and] 
 experienced physician. 
 
 Why then do you not put the law in force a|;ains< 
 such an attack upon the druggist, said an orator ? Yoi 
 see his chest of medicine brokcf> open, before youi 
 eyes, and iiis shelves pulled down, and the tables un-i 
 der foot, and yet no one bound over, or the riot act 
 read. 
 
 Soft and fairly said the peace officers, all in gooc 
 lime. 
 
 Take sail from the mast when there comes tool 
 strong a blast. A madness prevails at present. It I 
 will be but of d forlnightscontinuance. When the peo- 
 ple get a thing into their heads, the best way is to let 
 them go on. They will come to themselves by and 
 by. 
 
 But in the mean time they will do a great deal of 
 harm, said the Captain. 
 
 It is in the atmosphere said the orator I is it impor- 
 ted, or of domestic oiigin, said a tijinUing man among 
 the croud. 
 
 It may be imported, or it maybe ofdomtstic origin 
 Said a siuiple man ; for both abroad and ui home, wc' 
 
 i 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. e\ 
 
 have instances of such madness occasionally breaking 
 out, owing to some subtil gas in the holds of vcss els, 
 or that breeds in our own streets. It may come from 
 France or Ireland : but v/hat is there to hinder it 
 springing up here, where there are as good materials 
 to work upon, as on the other side the water. Hu- 
 man nature is the same every where. 
 
 PART II. VOL. X 
 
63 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 -CHAPTER IX. 
 
 T'lE memoir ofthe boj^-trotter had now made 
 its appearance, and was read with avidity by all ranks, 
 and class-s of the community. The novelty of the 
 matter made the stile agreeable and it was called up 
 as a model of fine writing. In fact the school master 
 who was the real author, Teague furnishing only ma- 
 terials, had some knowledge of the English gram- 
 mar, and had read the Pilgrims Progress, the Seven 
 Champions-" of Christendom., Reynard the Fox, the 
 Siege of Troy, and had a diction not unpleasing, and 
 tolerably correct. 
 
 The place ot a professor of rhetoric in the college, 
 being vacant, it was suggested that the new author 
 might be an acquisition to give lectures on eloquence,, 
 and Teague was, as usual, elated, with the proposi- 
 tion, and solicited the Captain to countenance the 
 matter, with the trustees of the semhiary, that, if he 
 had failed in the political, he might, have a chance of 
 elevation in the literary world. The Captain accord- 
 ingly lent his aid, and tliough, wiiUsome reluctance, 
 undertook to press the matter with the friends of the 
 institution, still doubting in his own mind the capa- 
 city of the candidate for a chair in a universi y. It is 
 true, he had heard tell of lectures on taste and criti- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. cu 
 
 cism, by those, who had not much tr,ste, and were 
 no great critics themselves. But this was considered 
 as abuse, and not to pass into precedent. However, 
 he consented imd did broach the matter. It was like- 
 ly to be carried and would have been carried, but for 
 the other professors, wlio said it v/ould be a burlesque 
 on them, and threatened to resign if the thing was 
 pushed any farther, as in their opinion, however 
 great the fame of this phenomenon might be, he was 
 in fact, but an illiterate person, and filler for a pro- 
 fessor of gymnastics, than cf lelters in an academy. 
 
 A professor of gymnaslicsj t'.ien let him be, said the 
 Captain. It is true he has nctreiul Sajzman en the 
 athletics of schools, or Stiutt on the games and pas- 
 times of England ; nevertheless he can play, at prison 
 best, barley-bret ; blind-mans-ba{I'; tb.e hindmost of- 
 three, and fool in the co'ner. He is no slouch at 
 swere-arse ; is a pretty good hitch at a wrestle ; and 
 can run aiid leap abundantly v/ell. 
 
 So saying, he turned about, and vralkcd away, with 
 his stick in his hand, to look for the ho£;-trottcr, •cV.d 
 to bring him forward for the professorship j l>ut had 
 not walked farjbefore he fell in with the remains of the 
 Doctor's shop that had been thrown out upon the 
 strcet ; and where was Teague in a stall turned doc- 
 tor, and selling drugs to the mullitude, arsenic for 
 worm-pov.'der, and laudanum for wine-cordial. He had 
 picked up the pi.i.ds when ihe apothecary had run off 
 fearing the multilude, and, the people thinking this 
 man his deputy, or substitujie, selling off at a low 
 price, were willing to take a bargain v/hile they could 
 get it. 
 
 The Captain was irritated on the score of hum-ani- 
 ty, and for the first time, made a streke at the bog*-' 
 trotter. The cudgel lighting on a box of Spanish flies 
 that was C'oinp cff at tv the ai.d a hiif ctMs, dis- 
 
64 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 sipated the contents. A dialogue ensued, and much 
 expostulation. But the result was, that the vendue 
 was broken up, and it came to be understood, that 
 Teai;ue was not the real owner of the ware-house, 
 and that the purchasers might be called upon to pay 
 for the drugs a second time. This last consideration 
 had an efiett and the bidding ceased. 
 
 At this tim.e John >,Turdoch came up, a shrewd 
 man, though not in any office, and being well ac- 
 quainted with the Captain, and the history of the bog- 
 trotter, made free to speak upon the occasion, and 
 addressing himself to the Cuptain; for the bog-trotter 
 had run off", whether fearing the stick, or to spend 
 the money he had gathered. Captain, said he. Nemo 
 omnibus horis sapit; no m.an is ^ise at all times. 
 You have been a long time seeking to get your man 
 into place, and now that he hpd got into place with- 
 out you ; for accident often does more for a man than 
 his best friends ; you liave been unwilling that lie 
 should stay in it. Nay, you have drivtn him from it. 
 He had just got into a good way in an honourable and 
 lucrative* profession, and you ha^e stopt his career 
 ■with your !>atabuy, or shalelah, a weapon which, from 
 his infancy he had been taught to dread. Do you 
 think the greater part of doctors are better read than 
 he v.as ; or even if better read, does their reading 
 turn to more account? Will the people employ them 
 sooner, because they are learned in their profes- 
 sion r Or, even if learned, is their skill the more to 
 be depended on ? One of the faculty has said ; ars 
 nostra conjecturalis est. Hoffman ran down Botr- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 65 
 
 fiaave ; Cullen, Hoffman ; Brown, Cullen ; and the 
 system now among the physicians, is a hotch potch, 
 or mixture of all. C^Regan might have been a quack ; 
 but the faculty tell us that medicine is much iiidebted 
 to quacks. Slercury was brought into use by them, 
 and it is now the panacea, the specific for all diseases, 
 the consumption itself Graxity is the most practical 
 qualification. Could not Teague assume a grave ap- 
 pearance ; a sober pliysiognomy, a measured step, 
 ■with a cane in his hand ; a steady look straight be- 
 fore ; a md to tho^e that pass by, as if from a 
 thinking man ? Could not he feel a pulse, and speak 
 mysteriously, if lie could not speak learnedly, not 
 having given clinical lectures, or attended them ? Or 
 could he not hold his tongue a long time, and say- 
 nothing ; which would answer the purpose just as 
 well ; for silence is obscurity, and obscurity is subli- 
 mity. When the patient is dead, it was the disease 
 killed him, not the doctor. Dead men tell no tales. 
 Facilis descensus averni. I have heard the blind law- 
 yer discoursing to this effect, that in the profession 
 of the law, which is an ostensible profession, and 
 more likely to expose a man^s parts, or faculties of 
 mind than almost any other, yet it is not always un- 
 derstood who is the real lav/yer ; and a man may- 
 have made an estate at the bar. before it is found out 
 that he if! afoul. If he loses the cause by his mis- 
 management, he lays it en the jury : or if the court 
 decide on a point of law contrary to the advice he had 
 given, what can I help it, says he, // a ccmmi&iion 
 cannot gix^c sense. It is the law of the books, though 
 it is not the law of their heads. The clit;nt submits, 
 and is better pleased with liis counsel, than with an 
 honest fellow who had told him in th.e first instance ; 
 or would tell him in the last, that his cause was none 
 ©f the best J and the verdict, or ji 
 F 2 
 
66 MODERN^ CHIVALRY. 
 
 this is the case in a profession, that, in comparison of 
 the other, is visible, and tangible; that you can reach 
 it in its exhibition, what must it be in an art which 
 is less in view ; wiiere the ignorance of the practi- 
 tioner is c?<pable of more concealment ^ and the man 
 dies who is most hurt, and carries his complaint be- 
 fore Minos, and Rhadamantluis, who wait u?iiil the 
 doctor comes to i^ive him a fair hearing ? 
 
 It is not that I had any doubt, said the Captain, of 
 his getting into practice, that I had been opposed to 
 his empiricism^ My apprehension rather was, that 
 he v/ould get too much practice, and have too many 
 lives to answer for morally and in conscience, if not 
 legally. For what did he know of drugs, or of their 
 eficct upon the constitution ? If you go to conscience 
 and morality with it, I have done, said Air. Murdoch. 
 You leave no reasoning for me. I was speaking as a 
 man of the world, and the making a living : if you 
 feel your3<;lf entramelled with that sort of doctrine, 
 you are on the other side the line : I have no concern 
 with you : Ycu belong to the old school. 
 
 Thedoctor, in the meantime had come back, and 
 was examining the depredations. 
 
 An inventory v/as taken unc'er the direction of the 
 Captain thut what remained might be compared with 
 the original stock, and the lo^s ascertained, that if 
 might be compensated to the poor man by subscrip- 
 tion. Asto what had been purloined by Teague in 
 tiie way of sale, he undertook himself to make up 
 that, having been somewhat accessary to it by intro- 
 ducing: the bog-trolter to the village. 
 
MO DERN CTllTALPvr. 6? 
 
 CHAPTER X, 
 
 From what has been stated of tl.e activity of 
 m-ind among the inhabitants of this village, and espe- 
 cially from the samples that have been given of their 
 attention to politics it nill not be a subject of wonder, 
 that there was a village coffee-house, on a small scale 
 in this place, and that the people sometimes met here, 
 to smoke a pipe, and take a glass of beer and read a 
 news paper. It might be called a beer house, if what 
 was drank in it gave the name ; for more ale was 
 drank than cofiee ; but, in imitation of the larger 
 towns it was called a coiFee house. It happened that 
 the Cojitain wishing to learn the news of the coffee- 
 house, took a walk there. 
 
 Teague, v/ilh what he had collected from the sale 
 of the drugs, had been here before them ; and taking 
 on himself the air of a politician, had called for pipes 
 and tobacco, and v/as looking over a gazette ; not that 
 he could read ; but to induce people to believe that 
 he read ; occasionally also, as if unconscious of those 
 around him, throwing out a sentence, in French ; a' 
 little of which he had acquired as a parrot would 
 language : such phrases, as save qui pcut : tarn ] is 
 ■>our lut ; a la guillotine. Nor did he neglect the 
 !.rug of the shoulders, a habit of expressing the 
 
68 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 emotions of the mind, which remained still in some 
 degree among the republicans, though it had been 
 contracted under the monarchy, when people were 
 afrai<l to speak out, and raised the back, when they 
 did not dare to lift the voice ; and dumb signs served 
 instead of a viva voce declaration. This suited the 
 bog-trotter and enabled him to conceal his ignorance. 
 Not that he had the prudence to intend this ; but imi- 
 tating what he had seen abi'oad, he took up the cha- 
 racter at liome. 
 
 The attention of the benches was attracted by his 
 physiognomy, and attitude ; and in the opinion of 
 some, he was taken for a French minister or consul ; 
 by others for an emigrant of distinction that had lost 
 his property, for the sake ol his title of nobility. 
 
 The Captain hearing these surmises, impelled by 
 the natural candour of his mind, could not avoid ex- 
 plaining. It is neither French minister, nor consul, 
 said he ; but my bog-trotter, that I had detected 
 some time ago, selling drugs, and passing himself 
 for a physician. Pie miglit be qualified to l>e a horse 
 doctor, but certainly not to practice on the human 
 constituiion. But what particularly excited indigna. 
 t!on, was his purloining the medicines, taking and 
 carrying away, what did not belong to him, and was 
 aggravated by the circumstance, of the things being 
 ti!rov;n into the open air, by the rioters who had bro- 
 ken the house, and dispersed the shop, to the great 
 injury of the poor apothecary whose property they 
 were. I had taken it oii myself to chastise him, con- 
 sidering myself under obligation to restrain him, hav- 
 ing been accessary to his coming to the village. And 
 if you will give me leave gentlemen, and excuse the 
 time and place, I vvili take the libt: rty to deal a few 
 blows at this instant, as he cannot conveniently escape 
 From the boxes before my stroke overtakes him. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 69 
 
 Not giving time for reflection, or reply on the part 
 of those presen', he raised his baton, and was about 
 to strike ; Teague on the other hand, had up his 
 heart of oak, also, if not to offend, at least, to de.- 
 fend, and parry the stroke ; his countenance in the 
 mean time ari^uing submission : his words also, 
 whether from fear, or respect, softeniiii^ and concilia- 
 tory. God love your soul, said he, and be aisy ; and 
 not be after beating rae before dese paple dat know 
 nothing o' de matter ; that will take you for an 
 ould fool, beating and fighting for nothing : Just 
 for making a copper out o' de offuls of a farrier, sel- 
 ling dem to de paple when de mountebank himself 
 ran off. It is a good job to be making a penny in 
 hard times. If your honour will give me lave, I will 
 introduce your honour, to dese paple dat have taken 
 me for a French minister. I tought I had looked 
 more like a papish Praist. But as dey know best, it 
 is all de same lo me. I will drink your honour's 
 health in a tankard of ail if your honour will plase to 
 call for it. Dese shivil looking strangers, dat I ne- 
 ver saw before, will like your honour better than kick- 
 ing and cuffing wid yourshalelah and putting yourself 
 in a passion wid a bog-trotter, dat never meant you 
 any harm. 
 
 The address seemed reasonable ; and those pre- 
 sent interfering, the Captain consented to let him off, 
 advising more honesty and fair dealing for the future 
 But, in his apology to the company, for what might 
 seem an impropriety in behaviour, he was led to give 
 the history of the Hibernian, and the circumstance of 
 his being in France, which accounted for his affect- 
 ing the French manner, and occasional attempts at 
 the language. This in the mean time led to a gene- 
 i:al conversation on the affairs of France, and the his- 
 tory of the revolution. Observations were made 
 
 ^ 
 
ro MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 above the ordinary stile of beer-house conversation ; 
 and of which, thout^h expressed in a desultory man- 
 ner, as each one took the pipj fro in his mouth, or 
 listened to the sut^^jesliotis of others, it may be worth 
 while to give a sample. 
 
 One of these who had a considerable fluency of 
 ton?^ue, and ready memory, observed, " That the loss 
 of liberty in the course of that revolution was owing 
 to the unskilfulness of those who conducted it." 
 
 But in like siluations, said another, is it reasonable 
 to expect more skill ? The mass of the people con- 
 ducted the revolution, and is it in the nature of things, 
 for them to stop at a proper point ? 
 
 It is in tiie nature of things, sjid another ; but it is 
 2l rare felicity. It is natural to distrust him who pro- 
 poses to stop short of what seems a complete reform. 
 The sovereign people is as liable to the impulse ot'pas- 
 sion, and as open to the insinuations of flatterers as an 
 individual tyrant. Tlie courtier devoid of principle, 
 in the democratic hall, gels the ear of the populace, 
 as he would that of a Prince, and abuses it. 
 
 I do not know well what a man can better do, said 
 another, than just to fall in with the current of opinion 
 and when it changes, change with it. \Ve are right, 
 say the people. You are right, says the man of pru- 
 dence. We were wrong, say the people. You were 
 wrong, says the same man. Who is ever displeased 
 with a person that has been in tlie same error with 
 himself? 
 
 Taat is true said the Captain : but is there no such 
 thing as public spirit ? Is there not a spice of virtue 
 to be found in a republic ? Who would not devote 
 himself for the public good? Were Phocion, and 
 Phiiopoemen time servers ? I grant that it is not the 
 way ultim itely to make friends of them, and to have 
 their confidence. Let school boys propose to rob a 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. ri 
 
 hen-roost, they 'will respect him who dissuade'd, 
 though it was not popular, but incurred the imputuiion 
 ©f cowardice, and a want of spirit, at the time. Let 
 them rob a garden, and be brought to punishment, 
 they will revere him wht> had told them it was wrong 
 but was hurried along with them, and suffered by 
 their fault. It is by these means that amongst sava- 
 ges, strong minds obtain the ascendancy and are trust- 
 ed by the nalion. Great is the force of truth, and it 
 will prevail. It requires great courage to bear lesti- 
 mony against an error in the judgment of the multi- 
 tude ; as it is attended with present disreputation. 
 Yet courage is virtue, and is its own reward. 
 
 The great mischief cf democracy is party, said an 
 orator, who had taken the pipe from his teeih. 
 
 It is the great advantage of it, said his neighbour, 
 It is the angel that descends at a certain season and 
 troubles the pool of Bethsaida, that the lame person 
 rnay be made v.'hole. Were it not for party, ail things 
 would go one v»'ay ; the commonwealth would stag- 
 nate. 
 
 But let one party obtaip the ascendancy, and does it 
 not come to the same thing. All things will go one 
 way then ; or rathicr stand still. 
 
 Not so, said the captain ; no party can maintain 
 power long. The ascendancy carries its overthrow 
 along vilh it. The duration depends upon the judg- 
 jntntof the leaders of the councils. But the leaders, 
 will find that they cannot lead always. While they 
 were struggling up the ascent, every one was willing 
 to be helped, and took advice. But on the top of ihS 
 precipice^ scampvcr and hoop, and there is no restrain* 
 ing them. A leader of judgment, will always find it 
 znore difficult to manape his own people than to com- 
 ifl)athis udvtrsarifcs. They cannot be bruoght to halt 
 
72 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 at a proper point ; and their errors bring them clo^vn 
 again, as those in power did before them. 
 
 However, this is wandering from the point, said a 
 man in a black wig ; we were talking of the French ; 
 who says that Bonaparte did not usurp the govern- 
 ment ? 
 
 I am of that opinion, said the Captain ; for there 
 was no government to usurp. He put down the di- 
 rectory, who had themselves put down the councils. 
 The banishment to Cayenne, is a ])roof of this. 
 
 I agree with you, said an individual on the other 
 side of the box, or bench, as it rather might be called. 
 It was the Mountainards that runed the republic, at 
 the very time they were running down others under 
 the charge of incivicism, and conspiracy against the 
 republic. 
 
 Doubtless, said the Captain ; It is in popular in- 
 temperance, that aristocracy, and despotism have 
 their source. 
 
 At this instant the blowing of a horn announced the 
 arrival of the post ; the late papers were brought iato 
 ».nd aJl began to read. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER Xr. 
 
 Captain liaving' a short space of time to 
 spare from his avocations, and disposed to take the air, 
 had Walked out and corning near the small building 
 which served as a hospital for the village, was dispo- 
 sed to vi^iit it and see the state in vvhicii it v.us, with 
 what new objects, since he had buen absent on his 
 peregrinations. 
 
 He was shewn by ihe keeper an extraordinary ob- 
 ject in a cell, a man who imav;i»ied nimselF a moral 
 philosopher, deiiverin;^ leclures. His observations 
 Were occasionJIy frauiijht with good st nse. While 
 the Captani stood, in the passage opposite his door, l.e 
 made a note of some part of his di-couise. and which, 
 having had an opporuinity of copying, we shall give 
 to the reader. It was on the subject of the resentment 
 cf injuries. 
 
 *' It is a strange thing, suid he that we coni.ot sub- 
 niit with equcnimity to eviis in tie morc\i worki, as wc 
 do iu the natural. We expect a fair day, tiid there 
 comes a fotil. Is it any graiiacation to us, to biai tlie 
 air, or stamp upon the puddle I Wlio would think of 
 giving the cow skin to a liuriicane ? Yet the greattst 
 damage is bomelimes done by a bias, ofwiud. He 
 would be thought a mudman, and be sent to lias 
 
 PAilT II. VOL. I. « 
 
f 4 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 'place, who was depreherded buffeting a wliiihviildvi 
 even though it had torn up by the roots, or brolten 
 down a fruit tree. He must be out of his senses in- 
 deed, that Avould have recourse to a bludgeon, in case 
 of an attack by an inundation. It would be a laughing 
 stock to see even a Turk giving the bastinado, to a 
 hot season, or to cold weather. The knout to a Rus- 
 sian winter I Did the Pope ever excommunicate a 
 storm on the ocean ? What man is angry with a 
 squall of wind ? He considers it as an evil, and com- 
 p'^se.s his mind to the loss of his merchandize. Is 
 ingratitude less to be expected? x^nd yet when it hap- 
 pens, we reprobate, and seek revenge. Sufferings 
 from moral causes, are just as con»mon as from natu- 
 ral. And yet when an injury is committed by a hu- 
 man creature, wx* are taken by surpiise, and lose tem- 
 per. Cannot we turn away, as from a sudden gust, 
 and take shelter under some one willing to protect 
 us, without thinking more of the enemy that had 
 heaten us, with his fist, or abused us with a bad 
 tongue ? The pelting of a hail stone nevt- r induces 
 you to use hard words, or to demand satisfaction of 
 the atmosphere ; and yet you will send a challenge, 
 and risk } c/ur own life to punish a man that has barely 
 slighted you in manner, or in wordv. Why not take 
 the other side of the road, and pass him by as you 
 would a pond of water, or a marshy place ? Cannot 
 we take the necessary precautions against calunmy, as 
 we woilkl against foul air, without putting ourselves 
 in a passim with the author of the defamation any 
 more than with a vapour, or an exhalation ? Hut 
 thtre is such a thing, as w ill and intention in the nic- 
 ITil agent. Is tlas any thing more than an idea, a 
 matter of our own imaginations ? It is the same thing 
 to us whether there is a s/hi- in the winds, or no fifj- 
 fit when u house is blown down ; or the roof carried 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 5Z 
 
 away. What is it to us, whether the cause thinks, 
 or docs not think. We blame it the most someiimes 
 because it does not think. We call in question the 
 understanding of a man when he wrongs us ; and say, 
 if he had the reflection of a reasonable bein.<, he would 
 have conducted himself in a different manner. And 
 yet the consideration that he had not rtfleciion, does 
 not mitigate, hut increases our resentment. Oh! the 
 inconsistency of human life and mannets. I am shut 
 up here as a madman, in a mad place, and yet it ap- 
 pears to me that I am the only rati{>nal being amongst 
 men, because I know that I am mad, and acknowledge 
 it, and the) do not that they are mad, or acknowledge 
 
 it." 
 
 As far as my small judgment p;oes, says an orator, 
 Tvhen he is about to express an opinion ; and yet he 
 does not think his judgment email. Ke would take 
 it much amiss if any one took him at his word, and 
 \vould say, true it is, your judgmtni is bw s.r,:all All 
 think themselves wise, wise, wise. But I say, fools, 
 fools, fools At this he threw himsclT down on hib 
 couch, and fell asleep. 
 
 In the next apartment was an insane person, who 
 stiled himself the <' Lay Preacher," who took hi? 
 text as usual: and began to preach. Book of Judges, 
 21. 25. "In those days there was no Kins- in Israel \ 
 and every man did that which was right in his own 
 eyes » 
 
 That was right, said a mad democrat, who was 
 confined in a cell across the passage. When we got 
 quit of a king, the same thing was expected here, 
 " that every man should do that which was right in 
 his own eyes ;" but behold we are made to do that 
 which is right in the eyes of others. The law govtrns, 
 and this law is made up of acts of assembly, and the 
 decisions of the courts j aTH^ a kind of law they call 
 
MODERN CIIIVALP^Y. 
 
 tl-.c ornmo?!^ law. A mart's nose is just as much upc» ^^ 
 tlie g;rin(l-^V>ne as it was before the revolution. It is*' 
 not your own will that yon must consult ; but the 
 will of others.. Down with all law, and give us a free 
 govern '.r.erit, *• that every man may tlo that which is 
 right in his own -eyes." 
 
 Madman, said the Preacher ; thou knowest not 
 Tvhat thou sr.ft St. it is not allowable that men should 
 do that which is right in ihtir own eyes. A man is 
 not a proper judge of rip;ht in his own cause. His 
 passions bias bis judiinjeiit. He cannot see tlie right 
 and justice of the case. Tlie want of a king in Israel 
 was ac.coirip.-.nied with tlie want of laws. I do not 
 mean to say that, without a king there cannot be 
 laws. Uut kings are put iiere for government, that 
 being the government, at that period known in the 
 world. For even a mixed monarchy is an imjprove- 
 ment of later times. The meaning is, there being 
 no government, every man did that which was right 
 in his own eyes ; and ten to one, but it was Hvrong in 
 the eyes cf others : A wild state of anarchy. A tim.e 
 for Sampson to live, that could knock down people 
 with " :he ja'-.v bone (.fan assj" 
 
 What worse, said the democrat, than amongst us, 
 where we see honest men knocked down with the 
 jaiv bones cf lawyers^ arguing a cause, and the judges 
 that decide iifion the case. 
 
 Passing on, the Captain came to the stair casg, 
 and ascended to the second story ; he wished to see a 
 mad poet who had been engaged in travestying his 
 travels. He had the advantage of a commodious 
 apaitment, more so, than some of those who have 
 surpassed him in his art in different places and peri- 
 ods of the world. The poet Bryden was not so well 
 accommodated, at the time he wrote his St. Cecilia's 
 Ode, which is thought to be the best of his camposi- 
 
 Jk>i 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 7 7 
 
 lions. The poet that we have before us, was a quiet 
 man, and had the privilege of the hospital, to go and 
 come as he pleased, but not to go without the walls. 
 He was confined here by his relations merely as a 
 matter of convenience, being so absent in mind, that 
 he was incapaple of taking care ol liimself. The 
 manuscript, in doggerel verse, would seem to be suf- 
 ficient to compose a book, half as large as Hudibras. 
 He was overjoyed to see the Captain, who was the 
 hero of his poem ; and the Captain was no less amu=> 
 sed to see him, and the adventures of which he made 
 a part turned into rhyme, f lis sensations Avere equal- 
 ly sublime with those of the Trojan hero, wh' n he 
 saw the war of Troy in the paintings hung up in the 
 hall of the queen of Carthage. The circumotanc^; 
 was not less entertaining to him as the actor, or ilic 
 speaker in the course of t!ie adventures so recorded, 
 and he consented to accept a copy, not that he meant 
 to give it to the press, but to cast his eye over it, for 
 his particular amusement : nevertheless, the manu- 
 script having fallen into our hr.udi, we shall select 
 parts of it, and according as the reader Leems to like 
 that which he gets, we shall give him more. In the 
 mean time we shall dismisii the Captain from tlie 
 hospital, not but that there was much more to see and 
 hear amongst the Bedlamites stili, but affected with 
 melancholy and weary of the scene. At the same time 
 doubting with himself, wiiether those he saw ccnfmed 
 v/ere more devoid of reason than the bulk of men run- 
 ning at large in the workl. He had no doubt of one 
 being a lunatic of whom the keeper made, mention, 
 but v/hom he had not an inclination to visit, in the se- 
 cond story ; for he was said to be employed lookin^r 
 at the moon, with a pair of spectacles which he took 
 for a telescope. For lunacy mear.s mccn-i^tFuckj and 
 this secaied to be tue case with Liai. 
 G 2 
 
78 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 eilAPTER Xllfe 
 
 HAVING turned his back on the hospital, 
 elicre was a concourse of people : the cry was a ne\sr 
 code of laws. 
 
 A new code, said a grave man ? Is not the oldi 
 the result of experience, a gradual accession of rules 
 and regulations in society ? Begin again, and you 
 would come to the same result at hist. But to form 
 laws from abstract comprehension, fitted to all exigen- 
 cies, is not within the compass of the powers of man. 
 It is sufiici^nt if he can form a schedule or plan of 
 i^overnment ; this is the outline , the interior gyra- 
 u^nsj must be made up from repeated experiments. 
 
 The words new code, were mistaken by som« 
 amongst the crowd, for no code. 
 
 No code, was- re}>€ated through the multitude. 
 
 What no laws at all, said the grave man ? 
 
 No laws, was the outcry immediately, and every 
 vociferous person v.ishiug to hear himself speak, and 
 every timid person, afraid of being suspected ofinci- 
 ^icism, began to call out, no laws. 
 
 That will never do, said the grave man, it were 
 better to have no judges than to have no laws, or at 
 least as bad. tor how can men judge but by law.?. 
 Arbitrary discretion is a blind guide. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. n 
 
 The words no judges, fiad been heard more dis- 
 J:inctly than the rest, and supposing it to be a substi- 
 tute for no laws, voices came from every quarter in 
 support of the amendment. I support the amend- 
 ment ; I agree to the substitute, no judges, no 
 judges. 
 
 The clamour became general, down with thc 
 judges. 
 
 This pots ifte in mind, said the Captain, of the 
 sermon of the Lay Preacher. I should have no ob- 
 jection to an amendment of the law, or to new judges 
 but no laws, no judges, is more than I had expected 
 to have heard in an assembly of republicans. 
 
 A person standing by was struck with the good 
 sense and moderation of this remark, and stepping 
 forward, made his harangue. 
 
 I will not say, said he, that T am for no judges ;- 
 But this I will say, that new judges is a desideratum- 
 in the body politic. The greater part that v^e have 
 are grown gray, and are as blind as bats : they can- 
 not see without spectacles. I am for new judges*. 
 
 You talk of judges, said the grave man, as if it wae 
 as easy to make a judge of law as to make a bird-cage^ 
 or a rat-trap. 
 
 What, said a merry fellow, shall we have new- 
 shoes, new pantaloons, and new every thing ; and 
 shall we not have new judges ? We shall never do 
 any good with the present set of judges on the bench. 
 
 It was carried that there should be new judges. 
 
 But having disposed ot the old, it beccime a ques- 
 tion whom they should elect for new. The bog-trot=* 
 ter was proposed for one, having had his name up 
 before in the matter of the newspaper. 
 
 What, my waiter, said the Captain ? Yes, your 
 waiter, said a wag, or a fool^ I do not know which. 
 
8® MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 You astonish me, said the Captain. My waiter a 
 judge of the courts. He will make sad work on a 
 bench of justice. He will put down all law. He will 
 silence all lawyers. He will have no law : no books ; 
 no cases ; all plain sailinj? with him. Every man his 
 own lawyer, state his own cases, and speak for him- 
 self. No Hooks and Crooks ; no Hawkins ; no Ba- 
 cons ; or Blackstones ; or VVhitestones ; no Strange 
 cases ; no law of evidence. Every man sworn and 
 tell what he knows, whether he has seen it, or heard 
 it, at second, or at first hand : interest or no inter- 
 est ; all the same ; let the jury believe what they 
 think proper ; and the judge state the law from his 
 thumbs ends without books. 
 
 This is madness, and here I have more trouble on 
 my hands with this bo^-trotter, than I have ever had 
 before. It is a more delicate matter to see him placed 
 on the seat of justice, to administer the laws, than ta 
 be in the Senate House, and assist to make them. 
 For in that case he v/ould be but a component mem* 
 ber of a great body, and his errors, might be lost in 
 the wisdom ot the other members. But in the capa* 
 city of judge he is sole, or with but a few, and it is 
 an easier matter to frame a single law than to expound 
 and apply a thousand. 
 
 Gentlemen, said he, addressing himself to the 
 multitude, you will ruin your administration. You 
 v^'ill bring disgrace upon it. The people will not feel 
 your error at once ; but they will feel it by and bye, 
 and vrill dtpoae you who have been the most active 
 in this cavalcade. That is, they will withdraw from 
 you their confidence. The abuse of power leads to- 
 the loss of it. No party in a government, can exist 
 Icng, butby moderruion and wisdom. The duration 
 cf flowery ivill ahvaya be in proportion to the discreet 
 use o/it. I am shocked at your indiscretici^. Have 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. S\ 
 
 r.ot son'>e of yon read Don Quixotte ? In tlie rapacity 
 of judge, Sancho Panzo nuidc some shrewd decisions; 
 or I'cither Cervantes made them for him ; for, I 
 doubt much whether Sancho ever made one of thtm. 
 But who is there of you, will make decisions for 
 Teague. 1 doubt much whether he v.cnid take rd- 
 vice, or let any one judi^e in his behalf. Besidts 
 t'rat of a judge is not a minis'.eui'l office, "ar.d car not 
 lecrplly be exercised by deputy. Yo\iv«ill n ake pret- 
 ty work of it with Teaguc for a judge-. It may be iic- 
 cordintij to the light of nature ; but not accouling to 
 the law of nature that he will judge.* At least, not 
 according to the law of nations : for horalun inuler 
 heaven ever had such a judge. Not even in tl;e nicst 
 unenlightened times. If he had a knowledge even of 
 the old Brehon law, in his native country, it ni^ht 
 be some help. But in matters of meum and iMvw I.e 
 has a certain wrong lieade('ness tfc^t fiiiders him 
 from ever seeii g right. He thinks always rn tlx 
 one side ; that is on his own side. But what he 
 "viould do between suitors, I am not so clear, but I 
 take it he would be a partial judge. The roan has 
 no principle of honour oi- honesty. He \i'ould be aa 
 unjust judge. 
 
 Will not the commission make him a judge, ex- 
 claimed one of the nuiltitude. 
 
 But will it make him capable of judging, said the 
 Captain ? 
 
 Why not, said a boisterous man. What else 
 qualifies or makes fit. Can the most sensible man, 
 or the most learned person, judge without a com- 
 mission ? 
 
 Doubtless that is the authority, said the Captain. 
 But still the capacity. 
 
 Capuciiy 1 Said a man, with a bit out of the one 
 side of the membrane of his nose, snivelling in hia 
 
8t MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 speech ; capacity ! Give me the commission, and 1 
 will shew you the capacity. Let me see wlio will 
 
 dare to question my capacity. 
 
 Such a burlesque, said the blind lawyer, tends na- 
 turally to the overthrow of justice. For able and con- 
 scientious men will withdraw from a degraded station. 
 Intrii;ue, \iorse than, perhaps, the arm oi flesh itself, 
 will come to be employtd in the management of caus- 
 es. Security of person, property, and reputation, the 
 great end of civil institutions, will be rendered preca- 
 rious. The security of them depends upon fixed and 
 known rules, as well as the application of them. It 
 is not an easy matter to attain a knowledge of these 
 rules. The laws of a sing!e game at school, or of 
 such as employ manhood, in an hour of amusement, 
 is a thing of labour to acquire. The law pailiamen- 
 tary ; or rules of a legislative body, is not learnt in a 
 day. And yet without a knowledge of it, there is a 
 want of order, as viell as dispatch in business. The 
 laws of municipal regulation in a community, laws 
 of external structure, and internal police, are not at- 
 tainable with the celerity of a moments warning. 
 But when we come to the rules of property, the laws 
 of tenure and of contract, a field opens, that startles 
 the imagination. Even the study of years, makes 
 but a sciolist. But, you will say, lay aside rules. 
 Let all decisions spring from the dictates of common 
 sense applied to the particular case before the judge. 
 But the mere arbitrary sense of right and wrong, is 
 an unsafe standard of justice. A free government, is 
 a government of laws. A Cadi or a Mufti are tolera- 
 ble only in despotic countries. You are destroying 
 your republic by undermining the independence, and 
 respectability of your judiciary, it is that branch of 
 the government, on which liberty most essentially 
 depends. 
 
-^^ 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 88 
 
 The multitude seemed to be but little moved by 
 these observations, which made it necessary for the 
 Captain to try what could be done with the bog-trot- 
 ter liimself, to dissuade him from accepting the ap* 
 pointment. Accordingly, taking him aside, he spoke 
 to him as follows : 
 
 Teague, said he, will there be no end of your 
 presumption ? I take it to be a great error of educa- 
 tion in our schools, and colleges, that ambition is 
 encouraged by the distribution of honours, in consi- 
 deration of progress in letters ; that one shall be 
 declared the first scholar in languages, another in 
 mathematics. It is sufficient that the fact be so 
 without announcing it. Tlie self-love of the student 
 will find it out himstlf, without information, and hi* 
 fellows will be ready lo acknowledge it, provided that 
 it is not arrogated, or a demand made that it be for- 
 mally acknowledged. For this takes away the friend- 
 siap of others, and corrupts ihe moral feelings of the 
 •uccessful competitor himself. Ambiiion sprmgs up, 
 that accursed root which poisons the world. Now, 
 you cannot lay your ambiiion to the charge of schools 
 or colleges : for, you have never been at any semi- 
 nary whatever, as far as I understand, if I may guesa 
 from your want of attainments in academic studies ; 
 and yet notwithstanding you have nevt- r been in the 
 way of the distinction of grades, and prizes, and lite- 
 rary honours ; you have discovered an ambition of a 
 lull grown size, even at this early period ot your life. 
 It must be a bad nature that has generated this pre- 
 posterous aiming and stretching at promotion. A 
 wise man will weigh, what he undertakes ; what his 
 shoulders can bear, and what they cannot. He will 
 consider whether the office is fit for him, or whctiitr 
 he is fit for the office. He will reflect that the shade 
 U oftentimes the most dcsiiitble situation. Do you 
 
S4 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 see that bird upon the tree there ? It builds its nest 
 with care, and endeavours to render it convenient. 
 But does it build it on the topmost bough, exposed 
 to the sun, and the heavy rain ; or rather does it not 
 choose an inferior branch in the thickest of tlie um- 
 brage ? Take a lesson from the fowls of heaven, and 
 the brutes of the field. It is not the elevation of place, 
 but the convcniency of accommodation that governs 
 them. Ambition is an accursed germe of eviJ in the 
 human mind. It is equally destructive of the hap- 
 piness of the possessor and of tliat of others. You a 
 republican, and yet destitute of republican viitue, the 
 basis of which I take to be humUiiy and adf-daiial. 
 W^re I the master of an academy, the fiist, and con- 
 tinual lesson would be, to attain science, and be 
 learned \ but as to seeming so, to co.isiderit d"ipf no 
 account. Science '-ivould discover itself . The possess- 
 in,^ knowled.^e would be its own reward. I'he con- 
 cealment of all self-knowledge of this advantasTe, not 
 only consUtutes the decent and the bcicoming in life, 
 but lays the foundation of emolument m the ^oid nvill 
 of others. \\ may be pardonable in early age to have 
 pride in the adv ullage of bodily fr>rm ; but we call 
 in question the modesty of a youth, m ile or female, 
 "wlio seems to set an inordinate value, on a limb or a 
 feature. How much less tolerable, the pride of iwu- 
 tal superiority But of all tilings under heaven the 
 luost contensptible, and the least sufferable, is that of 
 incompetency to a trust, and the aspiring to a place, 
 ire \v:iich the candidate is not qualified ; or, even if 
 qM ii^ied, against modesty, and the claims of others. 
 It brin^>;s a man to Ik; the subject of a laugh, and ridi- 
 cule. Do you know that tiie mak.ing you a judge, 
 was but a fnrce, in the manner that Smcho Parj- 
 zo w.is adviiT-ed to a government. You have read 
 the VioTi Qui^olte of Cervantes, I presume. But 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. «5 
 
 what do I say ; you read D^n Quixotte I you have 
 read nothinij ; and yet you would be a judge. Am- 
 bition, I tell you. is an evil. You have read of JuUus 
 Caesar, in the Raman history. Ai;-ain I foro;et my- 
 self. You h ive read nothins^. But I may tell you of 
 him. What was the purple to him compared with 
 losiii^ the aff;ictions of his countrymen ? rhout^h, by 
 the byt, there is some reason to think that it was 
 neck or nothin^^ witli him, and t'tat self-piescrvation 
 made it necessarv to usurp the empire, thin.^^s having 
 come to that state at Rome, that it he did not usurp, 
 another would. B it a ^oud republican, and a virtu- 
 ous man, would ratner fall, than save his life, at the 
 expence of the riv^tits of others. But it siips my me- 
 ino'-y that 1 am talkini^ to a bo,^-Liotter. There is 
 no makini^ a bi-k purse out of a sow's ear. Suppose 
 you were made a judi^e ; in this hurly burly of tlie 
 public mind, would you - st indin.^^ be secure, even 
 with the most p.rlc^ct competency for the place ? You 
 would not stand two throws of a weuver'l shuttle. 
 Your chair, under you, would b^ like an <,^ld piece of 
 furni'ure bou;,>:iit at a vendue, pm to^^etlier for sal^ ; 
 the 2;lucing i;one, and the joints bioken. It would 
 fal! before it had felt half your wei,^ht, and leave yoti, 
 with your backside upon tlie floo;'. New judt^es to- 
 day and the public mind would have dt-sirtd u\.w 
 judf^es to-morrow. Consider th? physical consequence 
 of bein^^ broken from the bench Take my word it 
 is not a common breakiufj; this ; it wiii affjct youi* 
 frame at every chaiii^e of the weather. It will make 
 an almanac of your whole system It will make your 
 joints ache. It will be wcse than a sni.iin in the r>n- 
 cle ; or a rheumatism i i ihe Jimbs ; or a st iatica in 
 the smdl of the back. It will give you acholic every 
 new moon, and take away your €ieep at midniirht. It 
 will t^ivc you the jaundice ; and hurt your compicx- 
 
 PART II. VOL. I. H 
 
SG MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ion. Your eyes will becorae yellow, and your cheeks 
 green. You v/iil lobe your appetite ; and not be able 
 to cat, even when you can get it. Why man ; it 
 Nviil blister your feet, and break your shins. It will 
 bring you to death's door, before you have lived half 
 your days. 
 
 By de holy poker, said Teague, I will be no judge, 
 if d?.t is de v.ay of it. Dey may judge for demselves; 
 I will be no judge. De devil a judge will I be ; I 
 would sooner dig turf or be a horse jockey at fairs in 
 Ireland, dan be a judge en dose terms j so dey may 
 make ^hom dey please a judge for mc. 
 
 ! 
 
 i 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 67 
 
 CHAPTER XHI. 
 
 eONTAIXIXG CSSERVATIOXS. 
 
 TO Speak seriously upon the subject, I doiibt 
 much, whether in the present commercial state of 
 society, and where property is not held in common, 
 people would be safe and prosperous witl-cut law al- 
 together. I CIO not kr.ow wlicther, even lawyers are 
 
 read avithorities, to sliew that they have read, and the 
 older to prove that they have not forgoUen. I would 
 alio V,' ninety nine cases out of an hundred, that have 
 ■nothing to do with the matter; but the citint; five 
 hundretl ca^cs,- not one of which is any thing to the 
 purpose, is cart'vir.g it to an excess which in strict- 
 ness caniiot be justified. It takes uptime, and is not 
 paying a pro|>er respect to the common sense of the 
 country. A little original reason and reflection of the 
 advocate himself mip;ht answer the purpose in some 
 cases. The reason of a man's own raising, may be 
 as good as that which is bought at market. 
 
as MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 What is't t' us, 
 
 Though it ^ve^e said by Trisinegistus ? 
 
 Not that I mean to ui'dt rvalue, much less to lay 
 aside altogether, the assistance of bonowed reason, 
 and the auxiliary deduciions of other mtn, whether 
 on this side the water or beyond it. But there is 
 such a thing as being en'J^ved to authoiiiies, or at 
 least, loadint^ tlse argument with too njuch incum- 
 brance of quolatior.s. It di-ptnds a good deal upon 
 the counenance given by the court to such a lumber 
 drawn troui^oid books ; yet the correcting it recjuires 
 an infinity of care, lest you lose the advantage& of 
 recuriin^ to first piincipie«*. 
 
 Antiques recludere t'ontes. The profound divine 
 reads tlie commtntators and thence assists (he com- 
 ments which he makes hiniself. The avoiding one 
 error leads into a worse. 
 
 Fuga Culpgc, 
 
 In vitium ducit. 
 
 In tearing up the darnel, the wheat Uiay come 
 "with it. 'J'he books nuist be read. 
 
 Nocturna manu, versate diurna. 
 
 But in an argumert, I value more the judgment 
 of selection, tiian the labour of collecting. It is a 
 flattering thing to a court, to take it for granted, that 
 they understand first principles ; and c\en a jury are 
 not displeased when you seem to suppose in the sum- 
 ming up the evidence, and the remarks upon it, that 
 they themselves can see a thing that is as plain as a 
 pike-stafl. Hence, long speaking, and an over-mi- 
 nute investigation, is sometimes odious. Or to at- 
 tempt to make them believe what cannot be believed, 
 makes a man sick, provided he is not disposed to 
 laugh. This depends a good deal on the natural 
 playfulness of his mind or the mood in which he is, 
 fiom the want of food, or sleep. I excuse the people 
 
MODERN GHlVALRV. 89 
 
 shewing a dissatisfaction to the trial by jury, under 
 the pleadings of advocates, wUen the harangues, in 
 an evening are like to prove eternal. When the 
 strean\ of the orator turns upon itself ; visits the 
 ground that it had left, and is unwilling to quit the 
 enchanted borders of the argument. 
 
 Yet, I think, all things considered, tliat tliere Is 
 some use in courts of justice ,* and that it would not 
 consist with antient habits, to lay them aside all at 
 once. Liberty has been accustomed to them. I do 
 not find that sJie has ever done without them. Where- 
 ver she comes, she seems to call for them. 
 
 There is a stvunge coincidence between liberty, 
 and an established jurisprudence. Whether it be 
 matter of accident, or a connection in the natural ex- 
 istence, may deserve investigation. To give tie de- 
 vil his due, there is a good deal of pains taken m the 
 courts to secure a fair trial, in the empanneiing the 
 jurors, and the admissibility of evidence, v/hether 
 oral or written. As to the protecting the suitors from 
 each otlier, and what is called i/ie corisegumiial con^ 
 tejnpt, it is a matter too delicate to touch upon, and 
 ■we shall pass it by. .But it seems to me that the 
 peace is better kept, than if there were no courts at 
 all, and no protection given to the parties, relative to 
 the matter in question, even out of doors. However, 
 this I leave to the consideration of the p^nident. 
 
 Some are of opinion that it would be better ro argue 
 all matters of meum, or tuum, in the public papers, 
 or in hand-bills posted upon trees. The prir.c ipal ob- 
 jection I see to this, is that the suitors waxing warm 
 in the controversy, w^ould call one another names and 
 come to blows. A great deal of ill-blood between 
 neigiibours might shew itself. Kow couid you keep 
 lawyers from writing in the gazettes, any more than 
 from speaking at the bar ? And here, their jargon re- 
 H 2 
 
30 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 duced to paper, would spread wider, and have rn<!ire 
 permanence than floarmg on the atmosphere with 
 v/hich their breath hud mixed it in the first instance. 
 The theories of inj^enious rnen are not to be discourajj- 
 cd ; yet it is not to be taken for r^ranted that every 
 theory that is phiLisible, i^ practicable ; and will be 
 found 1,0 answer the expectations of the most deliber- 
 ate projector. 
 
 The independence of jud.L^es, is a favourite theme 
 wilh the judiciary themselves. And doubtless there 
 is some reason on their side. For the Scripture 
 says, " M^ /car of man brings ih a snare ;^' and the 
 nvan that has most iniluence, in elections, is likely to 
 be ^xiO'A feared by an elective offcer. It would not be 
 a state co^.ducive to justice ; that in g-ivin(^ judgment, 
 the judge sliouid be under the temptation to be look- 
 \v\% about, and turninc^ in his mind, the probability 
 of beiUi^ turned out in ccin sequence of the judgment 
 he w:is then to .^Ive : whether John O^Nokes, or Jolin 
 O'Stiles were to be the next raembeio of tlie Legisla- 
 tive ]>ody. But this supposes judges fallible, and 
 subject to the weakness of human nature, which is 
 not to be supposed at alL 
 
 But if you t'onfir independence any more than in 3 
 miriisterial Ouber, t'le jud>;e becomes impudent. 
 Power corrupts. It is na^urcd to count too much 
 upon a man's standing. Every one overrates his own 
 importance ; much more his own services. Self-love, 
 and. self-consequence swells, and produces Ofdemat- 
 ous tfl'-icts. Tiie man that has given his vote at an 
 election, or written a paper, will conceive that he has 
 turned the election ; that day ligJit sfirings because he 
 Ici^ croak' d. He will denounce the man that differs 
 fr-M"»i him, as swerving from the faith ; the orthodoxy 
 of the creed ; making no allowance for the different 
 oi-^mizatlon of the brain, and tlie conceptip:i of 
 
MODERN CHIVALRV. , 1 
 
 tiling's. How miich'mord ifftt>rerjtnt is a man like to 
 be, that conceives himself fixed in a Seat lor an inter- 
 in inable period. 
 
 There is such a thing as tyranny in judges ; and I 
 am na enemy to the investimation of oflicial conduct. 
 But let the power paramount, the people take care 
 that they exercise not tyranny themselves ; or i;ive 
 way to passion, which even in a body politic, is possi- 
 ble. Let the sovereii^n, like that of all the earth, do 
 justice ; and consider that the possession of power is 
 upheld by justice. 
 
 But as to the notion of some, that law, lawyers, and 
 judges, might be laid aside altogether ; I doubt aa 
 ah'cady hinted, the good [policy of this. At least t!ie 
 experiment may be premature. RcpubJican princi- 
 ples have purified the wovid a good deal ; hut I do 
 not know that it is just come to this, that men are 
 universally virtuous. Some vestiges of tl-.atironage 
 yet remam. The old man of federalism enters yet a 
 little into our diiuiini^s with each other. I admiUhat 
 public offices are pretty well purged ; but there are 
 unfair transactions yet spoken of among the multi- 
 tude . It may be too soon yet to abolish all J.w, and 
 jurisprudence. I admit that courts of law are a ciieck. 
 upon the freedom of the press, and 1 excuse the pub- 
 lishers of gazettes, in their zeal to have them over- 
 thrown, or at least reduced to fear and subordination. 
 Because it is drawing all things to their own exami- 
 nation. But are they sure that they are good repub- 
 licans in this ? Or, indeed that they consult tiitii- ov.n 
 security in the event of this licence For prostrciLe 
 the courts, and the cudgel prostratbs themselves. 
 While they are pushing at a judge, they are preparing 
 the way for some robust man in due time, to push at 
 them. With different weapons it is true, lor the 
 weapons of the press, are spiritual, or of the mind j 
 
92 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 but that of the bludgeon is corporal, and made of 
 wood, or some other material of a solid substance. 
 It is not the interest of a printer that a judge be ren- 
 dered timid, by persecution ; for he stands between 
 thecudgelist, orpugelistin a controversy with theman 
 of types. Thus the freedom of the press, is supported 
 by the laws, and by the due enforcement of them. Yet 
 it is natural for a man at first view, to think, that if 
 there were no courts, he could write with less re- 
 straint. He could make every man tributary to his 
 opinion ; or to his measures ; for if he did not libel, he 
 could tljreaten to libel, and compel a submission. 
 
 It seems to me that a poor man is safer in a coun* 
 try of laws, than in one without laws. " For wealth 
 maketh many friends ;" and I do not hear any com- 
 ■ plaints that the rich are favoured in the courts. But, 
 that maj be owing to the mode of trial, which is in 
 the face ot the world, and where lawyers are suffered 
 to make as free with the character and conduct of a 
 rich rogue in a cause, as with one of a more circum- 
 scj'ibed estate. This last is one argument I have 
 jast hit upon, in favour of lawyers ; and I find my- 
 self well disposed to give thern a lift when I can with 
 propriety. For though I would be willing to muzzle 
 them a little in their speeches ; yet I do not wish to 
 see ihem run down altogether. 
 
 / F'ortitude is a requisite qualification in a judge. It 
 I requires resolution to preserve order at the bar; over- 
 ' awe petulance ; arrest impertinence in manners, or 
 in argument ; suppress side-bar conversation ; and 
 render the pr.TCticc tolerable to practitioners of mild 
 and modest demeanor ; of delicate and gentle dispo- 
 sition ; of scrupulous honour, and liberality in the 
 conduct of a suit, or management in courts. Reso- 
 lution is necessary to decision unequivocal and satis- 
 factory, unawed by forensic opinion or the influence 
 of individuals. It is dangerous therefore to sap this 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 93 
 
 spirit of independence, by the precarious tenure of 
 the office, while at the same time the right of the 
 citizen is examined, and the power of the court con- 
 sidered in its latitude and operation. All I mean to 
 say, is, thnt the examination of the judicial conduct is 
 a high trust, in the view of an enlightened public, 
 and answerable to the present time, iiud to posterity, 
 for the consequences, 
 
34 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 WHAT is the reason of the fluctuations of 
 parties in republics ? 
 
 The reasons are many. Bat one is the unskilful 
 driving of the state carriage, by those who get pbs- 
 seswon of the curricle Pnuelon» you know, though 
 lie had the best' advice from his father 
 In medio tutissimus ibis. 
 
 The middl«£^w<ty is th-j besi^ ytt before the middle 
 of the day> he had z.-t the earth on firC; Thd ptopie 
 are always honesty but otteniimeB the instiaiments of 
 their own servitude ; by distrust where they oiig-ht to 
 have confidence, and confidence where they ouc^ht to 
 have distrust. The bulk cannot have perfect inform- 
 ation J and that r^'ach of thought which observation, 
 and experience i^ives. They must trust a good deal 
 to others in tiie science of government, find the ex- 
 pediency of public measures ; and it depends upon 
 those whom they do trust, whether the pov/er of a 
 party is long lived, or sliort. All depends vpon the 
 wisdom, and integrity of those that lead. What ruin- 
 ed the federal administration, but the intemperance 
 of driving. The upri^^fht disapproved, and the pru- 
 dent forsook it. The un-^kilhd pilots were not a"vare 
 of an undercurrent that had bf.9,un to set. Extren"\es 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 95 
 
 will always beg^t- the same effect ; and like the ten- 
 sicn of a chord, produce a return in a contrary uirec* 
 (ion. Judgment, how far to go, and where to stop, 
 is the threat secret. Trained shaft horses, that will 
 back down the inclined plane of a hill, ^re excellent 
 in a team. Younglings, though mettlesome, and ge- 
 nerous, are apt to draw too fast, upon a declivity or 
 even on a plain. 
 
 For that reason, I caiuipt say, that I am favourable 
 to a change of representatives every year, even when 
 what has been done, does notah-ogether please me. 
 Because experience is a great softner of the mind ; it 
 gives knowledge. A rnan aRer some times begins to 
 understand the game, and to find out who it is that 
 takes a lead with a view to some object of his own. 
 That may be unfuUiomable in tlie early breaking of 
 the businessj and yet come out at last. Or a man may 
 comt to see Ids oiun crrcr^ and profit, by the recollection. 
 
 But how will i^.n honest man in a deliberate body, 
 know what to trust but his own judgment ? Nothing. 
 Then let him think humbly, dliigently, extensively, 
 distrusting pre-c-onceivcd opinions, and laying his 
 mind open to the light of truth. Yet there may be 
 some rules to guide \i\^ judgment. Such as trusting 
 the judgment of others who have had e:iperience in 
 the scit;nce, or establishment, relative to which, the 
 question is agitated, or the measure proposed. Every- 
 one is to be trusted in that thhig, of which he has 
 some knowledge. 
 
 That man is to be trusted who is free from the 
 imputation of inordinate selfislmess in private life* 
 You^wiiliind sin drustthat is fonder of the art than the 
 emoluments. Tnere are men that conned the pub- 
 lic good wiLli their own happiness ; generous spit-its 
 Who nr.nifest this by their disinteresiedness in ordi- 
 nary transactions. This is a good sign, and ought to 
 
9^ MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 inspire confidence in their a.s^ency, in public matters. 
 The man ihat covets good ivill more than money, and 
 the praise of benevolence, more than that of private gain, 
 has some soul in him, and other things equal, is to be 
 trusted befoi e him of a contracted spirit, and self-love 
 in all his actions. 
 
 But after all, things will take their course ; and no 
 party in a repu1)Iic will retain power always, because 
 they will abuse it; but the duration of power in an 
 elective government, will depend considerably upon 
 the being able to distinguish between vigour and mpf 
 4eration. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 97 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 CONTAINING OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 THERE is a natural alliance between liberty 
 and letters. Men of letters, are seldom men of 
 wealth, and these naturally ally themselves with the 
 democratic interest in a commonwealth. These form 
 a balance with the bulk of the people, against power, 
 springing from family interest, and large estates. It 
 is not good policy in republicans to declare war a- 
 gainst letters ; or even to frown upon them, for in li- 
 terary men is their best support. They are as neces- 
 sary to them as light to the steps. They are a safe 
 auxiliary ; for all they want is, to have the praise of 
 giving information. The study of p(»Iidcal law, and 
 municipal jurisprudence qut.Iifics t.> inform, and hence 
 at the commencement of the Amtrican revolution, 
 lawyers were the first to f;ive the alarm and assert 
 Ihe rights of the people. Shall we forget the recent 
 services o^ lawyers in the framing the federal, and 
 slate constitutions ? The name of lawyer ought not 
 to be hunted down, because there are ciiaracters, un- 
 worthy of the profession, with whom the love of 
 money is inordinate, and insatiable, 
 
 PART II. VOL. I. I 
 
^ir 
 
 £>S MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 There is ground, for the regret, that literary in- 
 stitutions are not favoured ; that it lias become a po- 
 pular thing to call out against learning, as not neces- 
 sary to make republicans. The knowledge of our 
 rights, and capacity to prosecute, and defend them, 
 does not spring from the groimd ; but from educati- 
 on, and study. Under a federal government ; \v^e are 
 peculiarly situated. We stand in need of law, learn- 
 ing, and legal abilities to support ourselves in a con- 
 test with tlie claims of the general government, which, 
 as it bounds the state jurisdiction, must in the nature 
 of tilings encroach upon it. It is of great moment, 
 "with a view to this very object that our judiciary be 
 composed of able men, tliat under the concurrent 
 juiisdiction of the courts, it may be able to hold its 
 own; or more especially, that from a want of confi- 
 ('ence in the abilities of the state judges, recurrence 
 may not be had to the tribunals of the United States, 
 by leL>i;iriiate election, or by those collusions against 
 wiiich it is difiicuit to guard. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 99 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 THE rumour had prevailed, that the judges 
 had been broke. 
 
 Is it upon the wheel ? Said a learned man ; for he 
 did not think it could be with the bow-btiing that they 
 had been punished ; for that is the mode towards 
 public officers, in the dominions of the Grand Seip^ni- 
 or ; nor did he think it could have been with ihe 
 knout or bastinado ; as that is usual only in Russia, 
 and makes a part of the penal code, at the discretion of 
 the Czar. 
 
 Not upon the wheel, said a by-stander ; they are 
 not broke in that sense of the word. It is but a re- 
 moval from office, that is intended by the word, broke; 
 and not the breaking of the back, or the limbs, or any 
 part of the body. 
 
 Why break them ? said the learned man, even in 
 that sense of the word. That is remove. 
 
 Because they gave a wrong judgment, said the by- 
 stander. 
 
 There could na be a better reason, Sc.id a Scotch 
 gentleman, it is contrary to the very end o' their 
 creation. 
 
 Why not reverse their judgment ? said the scl.o- 
 lav. 
 
:qo modern chivalry. 
 
 Because it is better to reverse themselves, said 
 the Scotch gentleman ; and let them and their judg- 
 ment a' go thegether. 
 
 At saying this, a person came in who gave intel- 
 ligence, that the 4th of July being about to be cele- 
 brated, the people had made choice of Teague 0*Re- 
 gan, the Captain's man, to deliver an oration, on this, 
 the anniversary of our independence, and to draw up 
 the toasts. 
 
 Will absurdities never cease ? said the Captain, 
 in a free government. My bog-trotter chosen to de- 
 liver an harangue, in commemoration of the men, and 
 measures, of our great national contest ! It is for the 
 celebration of the festival. Astonishing 1 
 
 Teague, said he, I could have put up with the 
 great variety of functions to which you have been 
 proposed ; or liave proposed yourself ; even that of a 
 judge of the courts of law ; as being matters of a 
 mere secular nature, and forensic concern ; but to be 
 the organ of the celebration of a festival, which has 
 become in a manner sacred, by the cause to which it 
 is consecrated, is beyond all endurance ; and as to the 
 drawing up toasts, or sentiments for the day, you are 
 Incompetent. You may be equal to the fabrication 
 of a common place allusion to the prevailing cry, and 
 make it the voice cf the occasion, as for instance, to 
 give a slap at the judges. 
 
 But as to hitting off thoughts on the principles of 
 government ; or practical application in the measures 
 of the administration, you are unequal to the task. 
 
 With regard to Teague himself, he had as little 
 thought of delivering an oration, or drawing up toasts 
 as any one else coiild have. The apothecary Avho 
 meant to sell medicines on that day, on a stage, had 
 employed him to act in the capacity of tumbler ; not 
 that he could tumble j but that he could not tumble ; 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ')\ 
 
 and so, by preposterous attempts at agility would an-* 
 swer the purpose of moving hiughter, and drawing the 
 attention of the multitude, who being collected foi^ 
 that purpose, might be drawn into another, the pur- 
 chase of worm powders, lozenges, and usual drugs. 
 
 The celebration of our national anniversary, will 
 no doubt, be continued wiiile the uni<;n of these states 
 exists. It may be coniinued by the parts probably 
 after a di:>-union ; an event certain, and itieviiuhle ; 
 but which, the wise and the good delight to contem- 
 plate as remote ; and not likely to happen for mnu- 
 merable agesr The orations delivered on this day, 
 may greatly contribute to postpone the event of a dis-^ 
 union, by patriotic, and conciliatory sentiments For 
 this reason, the best abilities, and ttie most virtuous 
 hearts ought to be chosen to be the orators ot ti.e oc- 
 casion. 
 
 Bittthe toasts, or sentiments given on the convivial 
 libations ; not in honor of imaginary deiiies, as a- 
 mongst the Greeks and Romans ; but in honor of de-- 
 ceased heroes, who have passed from a scene where 
 they were mixed witli us, and to a scene, where we 
 shall be mixed with them j these expressions of the 
 public mind, ought to be the peculiar eare ot the 
 aged and the wise. They ought to be tie lectures of 
 "wisdom Taking up ihe matt<.rin iliis pohit of \iew, 
 what delicacy ought to be attaci^ed to the expression 
 of sentiment. Let it be considered that on a single 
 thought may depend the essence of liberty ; health 
 or poison may be communicated by a word For tlie 
 toasts of this day are considered as indications oj thi 
 public will, and yet witlioul a due sense of the holenm 
 obligations of honor and honesty, toasts are hrougl^t 
 forward, perhaps by an individuai, in aci omm.c>dution 
 to a local prejudice, and mejely to accon.phsh the 
 purpose of an election to a public body, lor the iiict 
 I 2 
 
'r 
 
 J^2 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 is, that toasts are not always real expressions of the 
 sentiments of even a majority of those who suffer them 
 to pass ; they are introduced by the mistake of those, 
 who substitute the sentiments of the uninformed for 
 that of the whole community. But all that is illibe- 
 ral, on these occasions, ought to be avoided. All inhu- 
 manity, and injustice. All anticipation of judgment 
 on cases depending ; all expressions calculated to in- 
 flame thexlecision. For a popular clamour once rai- 
 sed is difficult to be resisted. 
 
 Democracy hao its strength in strict integrity ; in 
 perfect delicacy ; in elevation and dignity of mind. It 
 is an unjust imputation, that it is rude in manners, 
 and coarse in expression. This is the characteristic 
 of slaves, in a despotism ; not of democrats in a re- 
 public. Democracy embraces the idea of a standing 
 on virtue alone ; unaided by wealth or the power of 
 family. This makes " the noble of nature" of whom 
 Thomas Payne speaks. Shalt this noble not know liis 
 Robility, and be behind the noble of aristocracy who 
 piques himself upon his honour, and feels a stain up- 
 on liis delicacy as he would a bodily wound ? The de- 
 mocrat is the true chevalier, who, though he wears 
 not crosses, or the emblazoned' arms of heraldry, yet 
 is ready to do right, and justice to every one All 
 others are impostors, and do not belong to the order 
 of democracy. Many of these there are no doubt; 
 iiihie brethren ; but shall the democrat complain of 
 usurpation ; of undue influence ; or oppression and 
 tyranny from ambitious persons ; and not be jealous, 
 at the same time of dciiiocratic tyra^iny in himself, 
 which is the more pernicious, as it brings a slur upo» 
 the purest principles I 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 40* 
 
 BOOK 11. 
 
 IT has been asked, why, in writing this me- 
 moir ; have I taken my clown, /rom the Irish nation ? 
 The character of the English clowu, T did not well un- 
 derstand ; nor could I imitate the manner of speaking. 
 That of the Scotch I have tried, as may be seen, in 
 the character of Duncan. But I found it, in my 
 hands, rather insipid. The character of the Irish 
 clown, to use the language of Rousseau, " has more 
 stuff in it." He will attempt any thing. 
 
 The American has in fact, yet, no character ; 
 neither the clown, nor the gentleman. So that I 
 could not take one from our own country ; which I 
 would much rather have done, as the scene lay here. 
 But the midland states of America, and the western 
 parts in general, being half Ireland, the character of 
 the Irish clown, will not be wholly mibunderstoodr 
 It is true the clown is taken froip the aboriginal 
 Irish ; a character not so well known in the North of 
 that country ; nevertheless, it is still so much known, 
 even there, and aniongst the emigrants here, or their 
 descendants, that it will not be wholly thrown away. 
 
 On the Irish stage, it i^Ta standing character ; and 
 V^ tli€ theatre in Britain, it is alsa inipoduccd. I 
 
104 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 have not been able to do it justice, being but half ar* 
 Irishman, myself, and not so well acquainted with 
 the reversions, and idiom, of the t^enuine Thady, as 
 I could wibh. However, «he imitniion at a distance 
 from the original, will better pass than if it had been 
 wiitten, and read, nearer home 1 oreigners will not 
 so readily distin^^uish the incongruities ; or, as it is 
 the best we can produce for the present, will more 
 indulgently consider them. 
 
 I think it the duty of '^jvery man who possesses 
 a faculty, and perhaps a facility of drawing such 
 images, as will amuse his neighbour, to lend a hand, 
 and do something. Have those authors done 
 notJiing for the world, whose works would seem 
 to have had no otlier object but to amuse ? In 
 k)W health ; after the fatigue of great mental ex- 
 ertion on solid disquisilioi.s ; in pain of mind, 
 from disappointed passions ; or broken with the 
 sensibilities of sympathy, -and affection ; it ia a 
 relief to try not to think, and this is attainable, in 
 some degree ; by light reading. Under sensations 
 of this kind, I have had recourse more than once to 
 DonQuisotte j which doubtless contains a great deal 
 of excellent moral sentiment. But, at the same 
 time, has much, that can serve only to amuse. Even 
 in health, and with a flow oi spirits, from prosperous 
 affairs, it diversifies enjoyments, and adds to ihat 
 happiness of wl)ich the mind is capable. I trust 
 therefore, that the gravest persons, will not be of 
 opinion that 1 oui^ht to be put out of the church, for 
 any appearance of levity, which this work may seem 
 to can y with it. 
 
 I know there have been instances, amongst the 
 pu itans of clergymen, degraded for singing a Scotch 
 pastoial. But music is a carnal thing compared with 
 putiing^ thuuijhts upon paper. It requires an openiiig, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. lOfc 
 
 of the mouth, and a rolling of the tongue, whereas 
 thought is wholly spiritual, and depends, not on any 
 modification of the corporeal organs. Music, how- 
 ever, even by the strictest sects, is admissable in sa- 
 cred harmony, which is an acknowledgement, that e- 
 ven sound, has its uses to soothe the mind or to fit it 
 *for contemplation. 
 
 1 would ask, which is the most entertaining work, 
 Smollet's history of England; or his Humphrey Clink- 
 er ? For as to the utility, so far as that depends upon 
 truth, they are both alike. History has been well said 
 to be the Romance of the human mind ; and Bomance 
 the history of the heart. When the son of Robert 
 Walpole asked his father, whether he should read to 
 him out of a book of history ; he said ; " he nvaa not 
 fond of Romance,''* This minister had been long en- 
 gaged in affairs ; and from what he had seen of ac- 
 counts of things within his own knowledge he had lit- 
 tle confidence in the relation of things which he had 
 not seen. Except memoirs of person's own times bio- 
 graphical sketches by cotemporary writers : Voya- 
 ges, and Travels, that have geographical exactness, 
 there is little of the histodcal kind, in point of truth, 
 before Roderick Random ; or Gil Bias. 
 
 The Eastern nations in their tales, pretend to no- 
 thing but fiction. Nor is the story with them the less 
 amusing because it is not true. Nor is the moral of it 
 less impressive, because the actors never had exist- 
 ence. This, I have thought it sufficient to say, by way 
 of introduction in this place. 
 
106 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 I 
 
 CHAPTER t 
 
 IF the memoir of the bog-trotter had not ad- 
 vainced the author to a professor's chair ; it had, at 
 least, procured him admission to amimberof learned 
 societies ; abroad and at home : should a new edition 
 of the work come to be published, it will take up, at 
 least, two quarto pages, to contain the names of these 
 member-ships, and honours. 
 
 But, notwithstanding the most pressing solicitati- 
 ons, he could not be brought to accept of an introduc- 
 tion to ihiT St. Tainmany Society ; owing to the im- 
 pression which he still retained of being an Indian 
 chief, from which he had a narrow escape in the early 
 part of this work. For unfortunately, it had been ex- 
 plained to him, that St. Tammany was an Indian 
 Saint ; and that the Society met in a wigivam^ and ex- 
 changed belts. They offered to m::\ke him a Sachem ; 
 but all to no purpose ; the idea of scalping, and tom- 
 hackin-^, hung still upon his mind. It was by com- 
 pulsion, in France, that he took upon him the charac- 
 ter of an Esquimaux, in the procession of Anacharsis 
 Clootz. 
 
 The Captain presented himself to the Society, ex- 
 plaining these things ; and that, in fact, such had been 
 the alarm of the author of the memoir, at the propo- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 107 
 
 sltion of being made a member, that he had abscond- 
 ed a day or two before. The Society took his ex- 
 cuse ; and made the Captain, an honorary member in 
 his place 
 
 This was no object with the Captain, as he was a 
 candidate for no office ; and could draw no advantage 
 Trom a projniscuous association. Nor did he see that 
 he could be of any use to mankind in this new capaci- 
 ty, as the propagation of tl|f gospel in foreign parts, 
 or amongst the savages, made no part of the duty. 
 For though Tammany himself may have been a 
 Saint, there are few of his disciples that can pretend 
 to sanctity, superior to common christians. Or, at 
 least, their piety consists more in contemplation, 
 than in active charity, and practice. We hear of no 
 'missionaries from them, amongst the aborigines 
 of the continent, as we should be led to expect from 
 being called the St. Tammany Society. For it is to be 
 presumed, that this Saint had been advanced into the 
 calender from the propagation of the christian faith, 
 as wa^ St. Patrick; St Andrew, and otiiers. And 
 though, as these old societies, with that of St. George, 
 St David, Sec. the duty olJ?^vangeIists may be excu- 
 sed, the countries to which they belong, being long 
 since christianized ; yet the native Americans which 
 St. Tammany represents, are whole nations of them 
 hi/idfls. The sons of St Tammany ought certainly 
 to think a'little of their brothers thai are yet in blind- 
 ness, and lend a hand to biing them to liglit. It is 
 not understoor\ that even a talk has been held with a 
 sintrje nation of our Western Tribes ; thougli it 
 could have cost but a few blankets, and a keg ot rum 
 to bring them together ; and in council a little wam- 
 pum, and killikaneeque. 
 
 But our modern churches, have not the zeal of 
 <$?iie primitive ; or that zeal is directed to a different ob- 
 
108 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ject, the building up, the faith at home ; and that In ci* 
 civil affairs, more than spiritual, doctrines, it is not 
 the time now to go about " in sheepskins, and goat ' 
 skins*' to convert the heathen, to the gospel; but the 
 citizens to vote for this or that candidate. The Cincin- 
 nati being a mere secular society^ is excu-iable ; but 
 the Saint Societies, would seem in this, to depart from* 
 the etimology of their denomination. I know that 
 some remark on the word Cincmnatus ; and think 
 that it ought to be pronounced as well as spelled, St, 
 Cinnatus ; and in that case all would be on a footing. 
 I have no objection, provided /Aa^ it makes no schism; 
 for even the alteration of a name might make a 
 schism. And a schism in a society militant^ such as 
 this is, might occasion a war of swords ; and not a 
 war of words only. I will acknowledge that I would 
 like to have the thing uniform, St. Cinnatus^ with 
 the rest. So that if it could be brought about without 
 controversy, it would contribute to the unity of de- 
 signation. But controversy, is, above all things to be 
 avoided. And nothing is more apt to engender con* 
 troversy, than small matters. Because, small things 
 are more easily lost than great. Or ; because it vex* 
 es a man more, to find his adversary boggle at a tri- 
 fling matter of orthodoxy when he has swallowed the 
 great articles of credence, than to have to pull him up) 
 a cables length, to some broad notion, that separates 
 opinion and belief. To apply it to the matter of the 
 spelling ; qui heret in litera, heret in cortice. That 
 is, to give it in English, it may depend upon a single 
 letter how to draw the cork. All consideration there- 
 fore ought to be sacrificed to good humour, and con- 
 viviality, and I would rather let the heathen T\2Lme re- 
 main, tlian christian it at the expence of harmony, 
 and concord. But to return from this digression, to 
 the St Tammany Society, of which I was speaking) 
 and which had some time ago convened. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. i«y 
 
 It was anew thing to the Captain, to take a seat hi 
 the wigwaiTii and to smoke the calumet of peace. 
 But he was disappointed in his expectations, of seeing 
 Indian manners, and customs introduced, and mddt 
 a part of the ceremony. There was some talk of 
 brightening the chain, and hunjing the hatchet; but he 
 saw US vjar-dance. What is more, even the youngs 
 warriors wore destitute of the Indian dress. There 
 was not a moccasin to be seen on the foot of any of 
 them ; not a breech-clout ; nor had they even the 
 naturil ; or rather, native br.inds and marks, ofatrue 
 born Indian. No ear cut in rin^^lets ; ho bro:ich in 
 the nose ; or tatooing on the breast. All was as 
 smooth, and undisfigured, as the anglo Americans 
 that inhabit our towns, and villages. 
 
 The Grand Sachem, made a speech to the Cap- 
 tain, not in [ndian ; but in German ; which answered 
 the end as well ; for he did not utulerstand it. But 
 it was interpreted, and related to the proposition of 
 making him a Chief, which he decliuid, professing 
 that it was more his wish to remain a common Indi- 
 an than to be made even a half-king,* not having it 
 in vis'V to remain much in the nation ; or attend the 
 council fires a great deal. He contented himself 
 wi^h puttin'^ some queries, relative lo the History of 
 St. Tammanv ; of what nation he was ? Did he be- 
 long to the North, or the South ? The E ^st, or the 
 West ? On W'l it waters did he make his camp ? 
 Ho^v many moons ago did he live ? Wh^^re did he 
 hunt? Who converted him ; or whom did he con- 
 veri. ? Why tike an Indian for the tutelary saint of the 
 
 * H !jaii-kia^. means double king, or king oftvjo n<M 
 tionn^ ivho have him sheit betiveen them, 
 
 PART II. vojt. I. i; 
 
MO MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 whites ? Why not Columbus ; or Cabot ? Wlitre 
 did this saiiitship originate ? 
 
 To these queries, the Chiefs could give no answer^ 
 nor is it of much moment whether they could or not. 
 .^oaae of thsni are not worth answering. 
 
MODERN CmVALRY. I;l 
 
 OtJSEliYATIOSS. 
 
 AMONG the Romans, tliere was a kind cre^ 
 tin'C, of the name of Appolo, who stood by people, and 
 when they were doing wrong, would give them u 
 twitch of the ear, to bid them stop. 
 Aurum velluit. 
 I cannot say, that I felt just such a twitch while t 
 was writing the last Chapter j unless figuratively $ 
 meaning some little twitch of the mind, recollecting, 
 and reflecting, that it might possibly give offence to 
 public bodies, and societies, especially, the St. Tam- 
 fnany ; and Cincinnati ; though none luas intended. 
 But it is impossible to anticipate in all cases, the sen- 
 sations of others. Things will give offence, that were 
 meant to inform^ and assut ; or to please and divert. 
 In the case of public bodies especially, no man 
 knows, what may make an unf.\vourab!e impression. 
 It is necessary ; or, unavoidable as it niight be tran- 
 slated ; " that offences come ; but 100 to him by nvhom 
 they comey One would think that in a free country, 
 there might ho, some little more nvoderalion with re- 
 gard to what is done, and said. It is a maxim in laW| 
 that words are to be construed, " niilior sensu ;" or, 
 in the milder sense. It is a Scriptural definition of 
 charity, '^ that it is not easily provoked." Whereas, 
 on the contrary an uncharitable disposiiicn, is ready 
 to misconstrue, and convert to an offence. A town, a 
 
ii2 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 society, a public body, of any kind might be presntned' 
 to bearnicrethanan individual, Lecause, iheofftrcebe- 
 iijg divided amongst a greater number ; ii can be but 
 a little, that vili be at the expense of any one person. 
 If therefore, e^ny son of St. Tammany, or St. Cinna- 
 tus, should feci l.iniself hurt by our lucubration, iet 
 him consider that it is better to laugh than be angry ; 
 and^he will save: himself, if lie begins to laugh first. 
 Though, after all, some will say, there is nothing to 
 laugh at ; and in this, they will be right. For at the 
 most, it can only be a cmile. It is a characteiistic of 
 tlie Comedy of Terence ; that he never forces your 
 taugh ; but to smile only. That I take to be the cri- 
 terion of a delicate and refined ^\iv ; and which was 
 becoming tl,e lepos, or humonr of such nien, as Le- 
 Uus^and Sci-iio, who are thouL,[jt to have fomcied his 
 taste, and assisted him in his dramatic compositions. 
 Yet I must confess, if I could reach it, I would like the 
 broad luugh ; but it is difficult to effect this, and. not, at 
 the same time, fall into buffoonery, and low humour. 
 Laughing is certainly favourable to the lunus ; and 
 happy the man, whose imagination leads him to risi- 
 ble sensation.^, rather than,' to melancholy. 
 
 All work, and no play, makes Jack a dull boy. But 
 I have noidea of laughing, any more than of playing 
 without having perfomed the nt;cessary task of duty, 
 or labour. An idle laughing fool, is contemptible and 
 odious; andlaughingtcomuch is an extreme, whichthc 
 "wise will avoid. Take care not to laugh, when there 
 is nothing to laugh at. I can always know a man*^ 
 sense, by his song, his story, or his laugh. 1 will not 
 say his temper ; or principles ; but certainly his share 
 of understanding. The truth is, this composition has 
 more for its object than merely to amuse though tliat 
 is v.r\ object. But I doubt whether we shaH receive 
 oerdit lor cur good intentions^ For truth lies in a 
 
MODEKN CHIVALRY. il'. 
 
 %q\\ ; and unless there is some one to draw the buck- 
 et, tliere i.s no s^etting it up 
 
 V/e have been often asked for a key to this work. 
 Every man of sense has the key in his own pocket. 
 His own feelin.:^s ; his own experience is the key. It 
 is astonishing, with what avidity, we look for the ap- 
 plication of satire which is general, and never had a 
 prototype. But the fact is, that, in this work, the pic- 
 ture is taken from human nature, generally, and has 
 no individual in view. It was never meant as a satire 
 upon men ; but upon things. An easy way, to slur 
 sentiments, under the guise of allegory ; which could 
 not otherwise make their way to the ears of the curi- 
 ous. Can any m.an, suppose, upon reflection, that if 
 ridicule was mtended upon leal persons, it would be 
 conveyed in so bungling a manner that people would 
 be at a loss to know, who was meant ? That is not 
 tlie way, we fix our fools caps- 
 Let any man put it to Iiimself, arid say, would her 
 ivish to be of those that give puinby personal allusion, 
 and abuse. Self-love, for a moment may relish the 
 stricture ; but could never endure to be thought the 
 author. In attacking reputation, there are two 
 things to be considered, the manner, and the object. 
 When the object is praise- worthy , there is an openness 
 a franknes, and manliness of manner, which conn- 
 mands respect. But even where the object is a pub- 
 lie good, the manner may excite contempt. Let our 
 editors of news-papers, look to this, tho'se of them 
 who wish to be considered gentlemen ; such as have 
 ho character to lose, and never wish to have any, may- 
 fake all liberties, and occupy their ov^n grade 
 
 But as we were saying, public bodies, and societies 
 
 of men, ought not to take offence easily ; nor res-ent 
 
 violently " A.i they are strong, be merciful " A 
 
 ■saiigle person is not on a footing w ith a great number, 
 
 1^2 
 
1 14 MODERN CHIVALRT. 
 
 He cannot withstand the whole, if th dy shouid taic 
 offence without reason ; and he may be conscions!/ 
 scrupulous of fighting; or may be afraid to fight j^ 
 which will answer the end' just as well ; or he may" 
 have the good sense and loriitude, to declare off j- 
 which by the bye requires more courage, than the 
 bulk of mtn fwsacs.i. It requires a courage above alt 
 
 false ojiinio7i / and the custom will never be put out 
 of countenance, until some brave men set the exam- 
 ple. There is nothing that a wise man need fear, 
 but dishonor^ founded on the charge of a tva7it of viv' 
 lue ; on that luhich all men\ of all places^ and of alt 
 tinics^ ivill a<:knowhd:^e to be disrefiutable. Under this 
 head, will not be found the refusal of a challenge. 
 
 ' JVo'.hing can be great ^ the contcmfit of which is great ^ 
 Is it not great to despise prejudice, and false opinion ? 
 " He that ruleth his spirit, is greater than he that 
 taketh a city :'* but, he that is" above the false senti- 
 ments of others, |:H'esents to me the image of a supe- 
 rior power, tfiat ascdids throui^h the vapours of the 
 atmosphere and dissipates the fog. The world is 
 indebted to the man that refuses a challenge ; but who 
 can o=ive any thing to him that accefits it j for he sanC'^ 
 tions an wi}ii%t law ? Doubtless, the accepting of a 
 challenge, is pardonable as a weakness j but still it is 
 a weaknc;s3. The man is a hero, who can withstand 
 unjust opinion. It requires more coiirage, than to 
 fight duels. To sustain l)i*e, under certain circum- 
 stances, calls for more resolution tlian to commit sui- 
 cide. Yet suicide is not reputable. Brutus in th6 
 schools condenmcd it ; but at Philippi, adopted it. 
 Because his courage f-iiled him. 
 
 But cudi/elling follows the refusal of a challenge. 
 Not if there is instant notice fjiven to a peace officer. 
 Bat poiting follows. Notice of that may be giVe^i 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 1 1 5 
 
 also, and a court, and jury brought to criticise upon 
 the libel. 
 
 Why is it, that a public body is more apt to take 
 offence, than an individual ? Because, every one be- 
 comes of consequence in fir of lor Hon, as he is careful 
 of the honor of the whole. It is oftentimes, a mere 
 matter of accident, whether the thuig is well, or ill 
 taken. If one should happen to call out, that it is an 
 insult, another is unwillint^ to question it, lest he 
 should be suspected of incivism^ and lose his stand- 
 ing in society in general ; or, in that to which he 
 more particularly belongs. The misconcsluion of one 
 forces itself upon another; and Twi.scon&rrwc^z'ort pre- 
 vails. That which was the strongest proof of confi- 
 dence in the integrity, and justice of the body, is vieAV- 
 ed as distrust ; and a concern for their honor, con- 
 sidered a re/iroach. The most respectful language 
 termed insolence. Implicit submission attributed to 
 clisres/iecl'* Self denial overlooked, and tvantonne&s of 
 insult substituted in its place. This, all the offspring 
 of mistake ; ivhich it is the duty of the individual to 
 remove. But how can he speak if his head is q^ 
 before he knotvs, that the ojfence is taken ? Protesting 
 therefore that I mean no offence to either of these 
 societies, or the individual members, in any thing I 
 have said , I request them to take it in good part ; 
 or. if there should seem to be ground of affront, they 
 will give me a hearing, and an opportunity to ex- 
 plain. 
 
 Tliere isrno anticipating absoluteIy,and to all extent^ 
 what a pei^on might say for himself if he was heard. 
 That presumption which had existed might be remov- 
 ed. His motives might appear laudable ; or at the 
 worst, originating in a pardonable weakness. Whe- 
 ther or not, the credit of the tribunal with the world, 
 RTig^t render it expedient to observe these appear* 
 
l\§ MODERN CHIVALRYc 
 
 aiices They did it in France under the revolutionary 
 government ; and even the emperor, 8ee7n6 to consi^ 
 der it as indis/iensible. If therefore any thing in these 
 chapters should unfortunately give umbrage to the 
 sons of St. Tammany, or to the Cincinnati members, 
 I pray a citathn^ and demand a hear ing . 1 trust 1 shall* 
 be able to convince them that I am not deficient ir> 
 respect for them individually, or as public bodies,. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 1 17 
 
 CHAPTER 11. 
 
 THE Captain walking by himself, could not 
 .avoid reflecting on the nature of government ; a uni- 
 on of souls, and corporal force. It makes all the dif- 
 ference that we see between the savage, and civilized 
 life. The plough, the puUy, the anchor, and the 
 potters wheel, are the oifspi ing of government ; the 
 loom, the anvil, and the press. But how difficult to 
 link man with man ; how diflicult to preserve a free 
 government ! The easiest thing in the world, says 
 the clown, if the sage tviU only let ii alone. It is the 
 philosopher that ruins all. 
 
 There is some foundation for this. A mere philo- 
 sopher is but a fool, in matters of business. Even in 
 speculation, he sometimes, imagines nonsense. Sir 
 Thomas More's Utopia has become proverbial; Har- 
 rington's Oceana has become a model for no govern- 
 ment. Locke's Project was tried in South Carolina. 
 It was found wanting. Imagination, and experim nt 
 are distinct things. There is such a tlung as practi- 
 cal sense. Do we not see instances of this every day ? 
 Men who can talk freely, but do nothing. They fail 
 in every thing they attempt. There is too much vi- 
 sion mixed with the fact- Want of information of 
 wnat iias been j the not examining tlie fitness uad 
 
il8 MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 congruity of things, leads to this. You see a trades- 
 man framing a njachine. A chip less, or more spoils 
 the joint. 
 
 Where is the best account to be found of the Ro- 
 man commonwealth ? In Poiibyus. In what did its 
 excellence consist ? In its balances. What invented 
 these ? The exigencies of the case. Some were 
 adopted in the first instance ; others as remedies to 
 the mischiefs that occurred. Were the sages of any 
 use here ? A little. Sallust says, " considering the 
 history;of the Roman people, that the Gauls were be- 
 fore them in bravery, and the Greeks in eloquence ;" 
 yet Rome, has become the mistress of the world ; I 
 have found that it has been owing to a few great men 
 that happened to arise in it. Were these men dema- 
 gogues ? Not in a bad sense of the word. They did 
 not deceive the people for their own ends. How da 
 demagogues deceive people ? How do you catch a 
 nag ? You hold a bridle, in your left hand, behind 
 your back ; and a hat in your right, as if there were 
 something in it, and cry co"pe. What do demagogues-' 
 want by deceiving the people ? To ride them. VVhat 
 do they pretend they have in the hat ? oats, salt j any 
 thing they find a horse likes. 
 
 How do you distinguish the demagogue from the 
 patriot.^ The demagogue flatters the clown, and finds 
 fault with the sage. The patriot, and the sage, un- 
 less you mean the vain philosopher, mean the same 
 thing. The Jewish prophets were all of them sages. 
 They were seers, or men that saw far into things. You 
 will find they were no slouches at blaming the people. 
 " My people Israel is destroyed for lack of know- 
 ledge.** " I a77i wounded in the house of my friends." 
 This may be said of liberty^ when republicans give it a 
 stab. The lamentations of Jeremiah are but the 
 weepings of a patriot over the errors of the people- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. l\$ 
 
 Yet the people are always right, say thedemagopjues. 
 I doubt that. Tomfooi, may laugh at the expression, 
 *' save the people from themselves.'* Nevertheless, 
 there is something in it. It is a scripture phrase, 
 *' go not vith a multitude to do evil ;" widch would 
 *ecm to imply that the multitude will sometimes do 
 wrong. 
 
 Do the multitude invent arts ? Or^^ame individuals 
 among them i It is sometimes a lu^tter of accident. 
 Sometimes a matter of genius. But it is but one out 
 of a thousand that happens to hit upon it ; or that 
 has the invention to contrive. But go\evnment is an 
 easy matter ; atid has no wheels like a watch. What 
 is it that enables one man to see farther into things 
 than another in matters of government ? What is it 
 that makes him a seer? Thinkins^, looking, examin- 
 ing. Does it come by inspiration ? More by expe- 
 rience. What are the wheels in our government that 
 are like to go first ? The Judiciary ^ the Senate^ the 
 Governor, Is this the order in which they will go ? 
 Precisely. Does any man mean it ? Not at all. How 
 can it then happen ? In the natural progress of 
 things. Will one house become a tyrant ? It will 
 come to be the few ; and the few were always tyrants. 
 Will it be but a few in the house, that will govern ? 
 It will come to one at last. It will take fifty years to 
 bring it to this. I do not say that it will be a hop- 
 step, and jump ; or a running leap, all at once. 
 
 But we have the press here. Suppose a leading 
 print in the hands of a patriot. He will keep all 
 right. Yes, provided he is a sage at the same time. 
 That is, that his information on the nature of govern- 
 ment, is equal to his patriotism ; or that his passion 
 does not betray him into error; the journal of L. 
 Ami du peuple by Mirat, was p?itriotic ; but it ruined 
 the republic. An uninformed inflammatory print, is » 
 
120 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 coYriiptress of public opinion. It is the torch that 
 sets Tioy on fire. I'here is no Marat, amongst us, 
 at the head of a Journal ; but there may come to be. 
 It is a difficult thing to trim the state vessel. The al- 
 tering the stowage will put out of trim. The Han- 
 cock was taken, by altering the stowage. It destroyed 
 the trim. Yet trimmers are unfavourably spoken of. 
 That is, I presume, halting between two opinions. 
 <' Why halt ye between two opinions ?'* But preser- 
 vers of the balance are not trimmers in this sense of 
 the word. 
 
 But how is it that the people can do wrong, when 
 they mean well ? An uninformed spirit of reform may 
 prevail. How can passion prevail ? The axletree is 
 heated, by the nave^ and the hob is set on fire. The 
 nave heals itself by its own motion ; and fire is com* 
 municated to the whole carriage. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 12:1 
 
 CHAPTER HI. 
 
 THIS was the day of the fair held twice a year 
 in the village. The people had come in and erected 
 booths. The Captain took a walk to see the fair, and 
 on the first stall he saw boxes. What are these, said 
 the Captain ? Cases for lawyers, said the Chapman. 
 What will the lawyers do with these, said the Cap- 
 tain ? Put them on their back-sides, said the Chap- 
 man. That will make them look like soldiers, whh 
 cartouch boxes, said the Capiain. No matter for that, 
 said the Chapman. A lav/yer can no more move 
 without cases, than a snail without a shell. They must 
 have authorities. 
 
 They have too many sometimes, said the Captain, 
 as I liave heard the blind lawyer say ; but your cases, 
 or cartouch boxes, I presume, are meant as a bur- 
 lesque. Not altogether, so, said the Chapman ; but a 
 little bordering on it. These boxes might answer the 
 purpose, of carry mg cah.es, to the court ; but an ho- 
 nest man might put them to a better use : so I say 
 no more, but sell my wares to the customer. 
 
 At the next stall was Tom the Tinker, with old 
 kettles mended, and new ones for sale. Ay, 1 om, 
 
 VA&X IX. VOL. I. L 
 
1^22 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 said the Captain, this is better than resisting laws j* 
 even the esccisc law. 
 
 I have found out a better way than resisting laws, 
 now, said the Tinker. 
 
 AVhat is that, said the Captain ? 
 
 Abolish the courts, and demolish the judges, and 
 the hiws will go of th.tm selves. 
 
 Ah I Tom, said the Captain, leave the public func- 
 tionaries, to the public bodies ; you have nothing to 
 do with them 
 
 But I sb.ould have something to do with them, said 
 the Tinker, if I had a voice in a public body. 
 
 Bill you have not a voice, said the Captain. 
 
 But I may ha\e, said the Tinker. 
 
 I would lather hear your voice in your shop, said 
 the Captain; and the sound of your hammer, on a 
 coffee pot, or a tea kettle. \o\$ can patch a brass 
 candle-stick, better than the state, yet, 1 take it, 
 Tom. 
 
 Or solder spoons either, said Tom j but every 
 thing miVit have a bcginnmg. 
 
 At tlie next stall was a hard-ware man ; in the 
 next, a Potter with his jUgs. Anacharsis, according 
 to Dioi^enes Laertius, invented the anchor*, and the 
 Putters wheel ; he was a more useful man than him 
 thit inrented fire-arms ; though it is a question with 
 some, whether gunpowder has not rendered war less 
 sanguinary. 
 
 A Toyman had his stall next. As the Captain was 
 lookinc*- at his baubles, an accident happened on tl)6 
 other .side the way. At a sliort turn, a cart had over- 
 
 V ^ III i t II ■ 1 11 I M 
 
 * Tht chiff of the inaurrecHoi^ in the western parts 
 nfPenmvlvania^ in the year 1794, called himi/el/, Toip. 
 the Tinker. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 12:T 
 
 set. It was light, and loaded with empty ke/gs. Ne- 
 vertheless the driver wanted help to lift it up. 
 
 The Chapman, the Toyman, the Potter, the hard' 
 ware man, and Tom the Tinker were endeavouring 
 to assist. The Tinker and the hard-ware man, had set 
 their shoulders, to the cart. They hove it up ; but, 
 by too violent a push threw it to the other side. The 
 Chapman, and Toyman, thought to set the matcer 
 ri^^ht, and in the adverse direction, applied their force, 
 being on the other side the cart ; and to do them jus- 
 tice, gave a good hoist ; but over-did the matter, as 
 much as was done before ; for the cart came back 
 and lay prostrate in the same direction, as at first. 
 
 The driver, in tjie mean time, was dissatisfied. 
 Gentlemen, said he, do you mean to assist, or to in- 
 jure me ? It may be sport to you ; but it is a loss to 
 me, to have my cart broke, and my kegs staved. It is 
 all wrong, said the Captain. Why not let the tiling 
 stand upon the horizontal ? None of your tricks upon 
 travellers. Let the poor man's cart have fair play, 
 and stand upon its own bottom. 
 
 Aye, aye, said a misanthrope ; this comes of bad 
 doin.i^s. You must be going to the woods ; and dis- 
 turbing innocent forests ; cutting down young trees ; 
 making staves, and hooping kegs. Tiiis is just the 
 way they make laws ; to hoop people as you would a 
 barrel. It is right to overturn tne cart, on account of 
 the manufacture it carries. 
 
 Ah ; it is in this manner, said a moral dramng 
 man ; that people overturn the state If the vehicle 
 goes to the one side, it is the act of a patriot to set it 
 right. But unskilful persons, pass ihe line of gravi- 
 ty ; so that as much miscliief arises, from too much 
 force as too little. Passing the, hne of gravitation, in 
 erecting a body, is like ivoundinyr a firincilde of the 
 Constitution. All err^rsof ^x/zccific ncy may be amencF- 
 
iU MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ed ; but the violations of firinci/ile are vital, and tet- 
 niinate in death. Put that fellow in a pnlpit, and he 
 could preacli, said a by-stander ; do you hear what 
 a sermon, he makes upon a cart ? He could take a 
 text ; Nebucliadnezzar, or Zerubabel ; and lengthen 
 out a discourse for a fortnight. 
 
 In the meantime, the Captain, was almost carried 
 off his feet, by a crowd of people going to see the learn- 
 ed pig. Has ht\.htto7igu^s, said Angus SntheHand, a 
 Scotchman ? He lias two, said a wag. The Hebrew, 
 and the Erse, 1 trov.-, said the Scolclnnan. No ; the 
 ^quecl^ and the gru7itlc, I ween, said the drolling per- 
 son. That is his vernacular said the Scotchman ; but 
 I mean his acquired languages. I do not know that 
 he has acquired any, said the drolling man ; but he is 
 considerably perfected in those that he had before. 
 
 Weel, that is something, said Angus ; but he ha3 
 got a smack o' the mathematics, I suppose. A little 
 of algebra, said the wag ; the plus, and minus, he un- 
 derstands pretty v>ell. 
 
 The conversation, was interrupted by the vocifera* 
 lion of a man. in soliloquy at a distance. He appeared 
 to be in great agitation : clinching his fists, and strik- 
 ing them against each other. An abominable, slan- 
 der, said he ; la scholar ! I a learned man ! it is a 
 falsehood. See me reading ! He never saw me read. 
 I do not know a B. from a bull's foot. But this is the 
 way to injure a man in his election. They report of 
 me that I am a scholar ? It is a malicious fabrication. 
 I can prove it false. It is a groundless insinuation. 
 What a wicked world is this in which we live. I a 
 scholar 1 I am a son of a whore, if I ever opened a 
 book in my life. O ! The calumny ; the malice of 
 the report. All to destroy my election. Were you 
 not seen carrying books, said a neighbour ? 
 
Ay3, sakl the distressed m.in ; two books that a 
 stiuL-nt had borr )vved from a cit'ii;ynu.ii. iiut did I 
 look into the. 11 ? Did any mair set: nvi opm ibc books? 
 I will be sworn upon V\e evano^eiisis : 1 will take my 
 Bible oath, 1 never looked into them. I am innocent 
 of letters as tiie child unborn. I atn an illiterate man, 
 God be praised, and free from the sin of iearnir.i^, or 
 any \vicived art, as I hope to b i saved ; but here a re- 
 
 Fort is raised up, that I have dealini^s with books, that 
 can read. Ol Tlie wickedness oftids world? Is 
 there no protection from slander, and bad report ? 
 Go I help me ! Here I am, an honest rcfiubllcan ; a 
 good citizen, and yet it is reported of me, that I read 
 books. O ! The toni^ues of men 1 Wiio can stop re- 
 proachi I am ruined ; I am undone ; 1 shall lose 
 my election ; and the ;^ood will of all my neighbours, 
 and the confilence of posterity It is a drtadtui 
 thiuj^ that all the discretion of a mtirr, cannot save him 
 from evil- speaking, and'dftumation'. 
 
 It is a strange contrast, thought the Captain, that 
 w admire learning in a /lig ; and imdrrvahie it in a 
 man The timj was, \y \t\\ learninvg would save a 
 m in's neck ; but now it endangers it. The neck 
 verse, is reversed. Thatis, the tfi^'cct of it. For the 
 man that can read goes to the wall ; not him that is 
 ignorant. ButswrA are the revolutionn of opinion. 
 
 Of all things in the world, said a spec-dative phi- 
 losopher, I should the least expect scunce in a pig ; 
 thoujjh the swiiush multitude are not wii bout good 
 m )ral qualities ; or the sernl)i ivce of these, by pro- 
 pMisitive insiimt The licrdofdecr av»;id, or beat 
 off the chuced, or Wounded companion : but attack a 
 •hog in a gang, and the bristles of all are up, to make 
 battle There is an esprit de corps ; or a pniu.iple 
 of self-preservation- They do not w .it until ti.ey ure 
 taktin off one by one j but make a coimnon cause in 
 L 2 
 
..zu MODERN CHIVALRY- 
 
 the first instance. When the twenty -one deputies Ih 
 the National Assembly of France, were denounced, 
 there were, no doubt, a great number that saw the m- 
 justice ; but not the consequence. They were willing 
 that the belt should pas& by themselves, and were si- 
 lent. But those that followed, soon felt the case to be 
 their own, though they did not make it at first. The 
 hogs ha\'e more sense, or nature is more faithful than 
 reason. A sailor on board a ship may not like his com- 
 rades ; but if they are charged with mutiny wrong- 
 fully, he is interested and will see it if he is wise ; for 
 it concerns him that they be dealt with fairly. For 
 injustice to them, leads, to injustice to himself, A 
 third mate may dislike the first ^ or second^ or the Cap- 
 tain, himself, and have no objection to change them ; 
 but the mistake, or injustice of owners towards these, 
 afTects himself. If one goes at this turn ; another 
 'may go at the ntxt j tintil ail fall to unjust accusation. 
 If the indrfic7idencey and safety of command is affected 
 all officers suff'er, and the service is injured. The 
 picking off one at a time is politic in those that as- 
 sail ; but fatal to those that are assailed. Polyphemus 
 devoured but one of the soldiers of Ulysses in a day. So 
 that it does not follow, that hog, likes hog, more 
 than sheep, likes sheep ; or that bristle is champion 
 for bristle ; when he comes to take his part ; but that, 
 the law of stlfptreservaiion^ is better understood ; or 
 felt by this animal. But as to leaching a pig any- 
 thing like human knowledge, though not a new things 
 woi'ld seem lo be of little use. Crows were taught 
 to speak m the time of Augustus Csesar , as we find 
 from the story of the Cobler, and his crow. The 
 Po-t Virgil talks of cattle speaking ; 
 
 Pecudesque locuta. 
 
 But this was a prodigy. Learning must go somaii 
 •where, as a river thai sinks in one place rises iu ioit^ 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY* isr 
 
 thep. If erudilion is lost with men, it is well to find 
 it with pigs. The extraordinarits are alwuyh pleas- 
 ing. The intermediate grades of eloquence, from a 
 Curran to a Parrot, are not wortii marking. 
 
 A little learning is a dangerous thing. 
 Drink deep, or taste not the Pieriun spring. 
 
 If a man cannot be a Polly glotist, he may as well 
 be a goose. 
 
 It was at a time things took this turn that Ba- 
 laam's ass spoke. There was darkness all over P2u- 
 rope, for six or ten centuries , and little knowledge of 
 the scientific kind to be found with man, fish, fowl 
 or beast A glare of light sprung up, and has pre- 
 vailed awhile. Men of science have been in repute 
 in monarchies ; and in some republics : or at least 
 science itself has had some quarter. But it is now 
 scouted, and run down. The mild shade of the even- 
 ing, the crepusculum approaches. A twilight, that 
 the weakest eye can sustain. The bats will be out 
 now. The owl can see as well as the cat. If there 
 is leas lights there is more equality of vision; which 
 may be for the best. 
 
 That fellow could preach too, said a by-stander ^ 
 and give him a text. What a speech he has made 
 upon a shoat I 
 
 ikit looknig up, they saw a man actually preach- 
 ing ; or something like it in a tavern door, with a 
 newspaper in his hand. It was upon the subject of 
 oeconomies. For now all is oeconomy. Not making ; 
 but saving This discourse was a lecture, on the sub- 
 traction of aliment, and the making water go fiarthep 
 by boiling it. Saving the scales of fish ; and tJie stem 
 beaten out of flax ; curtailing wages, and doing less 
 work ; all things by the minimum : he would have 
 ail Miscroscopes j no Telescopes. Minutiae, Miaw*- 
 
Isa MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 tiae, Minutias ; nothing great, comprehensive ; 6f 
 magnificent in his projects Themistocles knew how 
 to make a great state, out of a small commonwealth. 
 But was it by saving, or by gaining that he did it I 
 Was the sweep of his mind contracted ; or extensive ? 
 Had the Zar of Muscovy a great heart ? Did he re- 
 duce mountains by particles ; or employ his mind 
 upon hen coops ? These were questions, the oecono" 
 mist answered m the uflfirmative. But some doubled 
 the orthodoxy of the doctrine, and left the congre- 
 gation 
 
 In a public house, was heard the music of a fiddle^ 
 and a bag-pipe. It was Duncan the quondam Wciiter 
 of the Captcdn who had made a match of the bag-pipe 
 against the vidin. Play up, said Duncan to the piper ; 
 now " thf Coming o the ( amrons y" now the ReeL o' 
 Bogie. Play up ; I could dance amaist involuntarily j 
 as, I were bit by the laran iila. 
 
 The Latin master was of the company ; and en- 
 couraged the contest, by the application of classic 
 phrases ; such as, 
 
 Et vilula tu di^nus, et hie 
 
 — Boni quonium cenvenimus ambo. 
 
 Tale *uum carmen, divine pocta. 
 
 . But more noise ; ttough, perhaps less music was 
 heard out of doors commg down the street A crowd 
 of people ; boys and grown persons, were followhig 
 0'i)tll the revolutionist lor Ca Ira, or the Mar- 
 seilles hymn, he bavvi'd out the following 
 
 Down with the sessions, and down with the laws ; 
 They put me i:i mind of the school-master's taws. 
 There's nothing in nature that gives such disgust, 
 As force and tompulsion to make a man just. 
 
 Hilldu i nUduy srt me down aisf/^ 
 
 Hilldus Billelu, l^c. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. \%9 
 
 A lawyer's a liar ; old Sooty his father ; 
 He talks all day long, a mere jacka-blather. 
 His books, and his papers may all go to hell, 
 And make Bpeechea there, lings Lary O'Dcll, 
 
 The state is a vessel, and hoop*d like a tub • 
 And the adze of the cooper it goes dub, a dub. 
 But hooping and coopering, is fitting for fools ; 
 Jimy ivid all learnijig^ and shut up, the schools i 
 Hillcluy ^c. 
 
 A horse eats the less, when you cut off liis tail ; 
 And chickens hatch faster, the thinner the shell, 
 A clerk in an office might do two things in one, 
 Hatch eggs while he sits, and writes all alone. 
 
 milelu, ts'c, 
 
 TliC song may be good, as to music, said the Cap* 
 tain ; but 1 do not like the stnlimcnts: especially the 
 concluding couplet. It seems to me, that oeconomy 
 has become parsimony ; the oppsite extreme ol pro- 
 digality ; or extravagance. The one is odious ; the 
 other contemptible. All tax ; or no tax. There is no 
 medium. And yet all that is excellent lies in the medi- 
 um. But wo tax^ andoeccnomy will as certainly de- 
 stroy an administration, as all tax, and extravagance. 
 The meanness qfslaruing- offices ; establiLhmcnd j itn*. 
 provements^ nvill attach disreputatioii to the cger.ts ; 
 and operate a rcmovaljrom the body politic ; 01 the de* 
 bilitation of the body pohnc itstlj But in all ihir.gs 
 there is a tendency to extremes. The ptpular mind 
 does not easily arrest itself when dt."jcendirg uptn an 
 inclined plain of opinion. Popular baiiads are an ii:i- 
 
ua MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 dex of the public n\ind. Hence we see that an niitipa- 
 tr.y to hivrb, lawyers, and judpjes, is i!te ton at piesent 
 and also tiiUt oeconomyu iht ruling' fiasaion of the. iime. 
 Yet in ali tiiese things, there may be ^n excels. For 
 the'fieo/Uc ar€7iot always righ . Unless in the sense of 
 the Englibh law, that '' The king can do no wicng." 
 Doubtless whcitever the people do is iegLvliy ii;.ilu; 
 but yet not always politically right. For do we not 
 fiid fVom the voice of histoiy, that those men are 
 tiiought to have deserved best of their country, who 
 have occasionally withstood the iiittmperance of opi- 
 nion. Self seekers only ^- are ail tilings to all men." 
 Three things are necessary to constiuite a great man. 
 Judgment, foititude, and self-denial. It is a great thing 
 to judge wisely. Perhaps this may be said to compre- 
 hend the v. hole, lor judging wibely upon a iurge 
 scale, will embrace foriiiude, and self-denial. Hence, 
 in the Sciipture piirase, bad men are called ./b&/.?. It 
 ia b'.it cutting down the fruit tree, to hark in with a 
 popular cry for the moment. All is gained for the 
 present. But there is nothing for the next year. Such 
 a mun may get into a public body, but will not long 
 retain Iiis scat ; or, if ne does, he loses all, m the 
 esteem J tlu virtuous^ and the wise. But I doubt whe- 
 ther the people are so mad for oeconomy It originates 
 ivith thoae ivho are conscious to themselves that they 
 cannot [ilease them by grcai actions ; a?ul thtrtfore at- 
 ttmj.t it by small. The extreme has been that of unne- 
 cessary expenditure ; and ii is popular to call out eco- 
 nomy ; wnicli (tie pi ople-pleastrr gets into his mouth 
 and makes it the shibboleth of just politics. But the 
 people-pleaser is not always the friend of the people. 
 Do ivejind him in war the best general who consults the 
 ardour of his iroo/is, wholly f and Jights when they cry 
 out for battle ? Pompey yielded to such an outcry, 
 £\nd lost the field of Pharsalia. A journal was pub- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. Ul 
 
 lished in France, by Marat, under the direction, or, 
 with the assistance of Robespierre, entitltrd " L' ami 
 du fieu/Ue" There could not be a more seduci-it; 
 title ; and yet this very journal was the Joe of :he 
 fieofilc, I have no doubt, but that Marat meant wvll 
 to the people ; but he had not an understanding above 
 the pubjic, and judf^ment to correct the errors of oc- 
 casional opinion He was of the multitude himself* 
 and did not overtop them by having higher ground front 
 ivhcnce to observe. He had not been a sage b(fore he 
 became a journalist. Hence he denounced the Giron- 
 dists the plilosophers of the " republic ; Condorcet, 
 and others who had laid the foundation of the revolu- 
 tion. He denounced them because they siiii;gested a 
 confederate republic, such as Montesquieu projected, 
 and America has rti'lized. Mi.rat to<jk up with the 
 simple, the one and indivi,<iblf ; the populace under- 
 stood this, but not the corn plication, and it prevailed ; 
 but the republic went down. 
 
13^ MODERN CHIVAj:^RY. 
 
 OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 I never had a doubt with the Captain, but that 
 the bulk of the jacobins in France meant well ; even 
 Marat and Robespierre considered themselves as de- 
 nouncing, and trucidating only the enemies of the re- 
 public. What a delightful trait of virtue discovers 
 itself in the behaviour of Peregrine, the brother of 
 Robespierre, and proves that he thought his brother 
 innocent. " I am innocent ; and my brother is as inno- 
 cent as lam:* Doubtless they were both innocent. 
 Innocent of what ? Why; of meaning ill. " The time 
 shall come, when they that kill you, shall think they 
 are doing God service." Peregrine, led the column 
 with his drawn sword in his hand, that entered and re- 
 took Toulon. He threw himself into the denuncia- 
 tion. This ought to be a lesson to all republicans to 
 have charity, for those that differ in opinion. Tiberus, 
 and Caius Gracchus at Rome meant well ; Agis, and 
 Cleomines at Sparta the same ; but they attempted a 
 reform, well, in vision, and imagination, but beyond 
 what was practicable or expedient. They fell victims 
 to the not distinguishing the times ; the advanced 
 state of society, which did not comport vnth the ori- 
 ^nal simfilicity of institutions. 
 
 Marat the journalist and Robespierre were pushed 
 gradually to blood ; by the principle, which governed 
 thera, of taking it for granted that all who thought 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 133 
 
 differently upon a subject were traitors ; and that a 
 majority cf vote vjas the criterion of being right. The 
 7nountains the bulk ot the national assembly, cou!d 
 not but be in their opinion, infallible. The eternal 
 mountain at whose foot every one was disposed to 
 place himself; the mountain on whose top were 
 «' thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud;' but 
 not a natural mountain of the earth, collecting refresh- 
 ing showers, and from which descended streums. It 
 was a mountain pregnant with subterranean fire. It 
 burst, and exists a volcano to this day. So muchjor 
 the majority of a fiublic body., b- ing always right ; and 
 so much fur a journalist meaning welU a7id yet destroying 
 the refiublic. It is a truth in nature and a maxim in 
 philosophy "that fro.n whence our greatesi good 
 springs, our greatest evils arise *' A journalisi of 
 spirit is a desideratum in a revolution. But when 
 the new island., or continent is thrown up from tj.e bot- 
 tom of the ocean ; and the subterranean gas dissipa- 
 ted, why seek for a convulsion ? But rather leave na- 
 ture to renew hers.df with forests, and rivers, and 
 perennial springs. But that activity which was use- 
 ful in the fii'->t effort, is unwilling to be checked in 
 tJif further employment ; and under the idea oi dLp^o^ 
 g'-fssing reform, turns upon the establishment wiiicli 
 it has pro(luc^:;d, and intending good, co-js harm. 
 The men are d^-nounced that mean as well as the 
 journnlist, and perhaps understand the game better 
 than himself though ihcy differ in judgment on the 
 move. In a revolution, every mm thinks he has done 
 all. ile kno'.vs only, or chiefly what he has done 
 himself. Hence he is intolerant of the opinions of 
 others, because he is ignorant of the servic«-s which 
 are a pro.)f of patriotism ; and of the interest which is 
 a pledge of fidelity. Fresh, hands especially, are apt 
 overdo the m itter, as 1 have seen at the building of 
 
 PART H. VOL. I. M 
 
!34 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 a cabin in the western country. A strong man takes 
 hold of the end of a log^, and he lifts fuster than the 
 other. From the unskilfulness and inequality of his 
 exertions, accidents happen. Prudent people do not 
 like rash hands. States have been best built up, by 
 the ivise as well as the honest. 
 
 There are men that we dislike in office. All men 
 approved Marius, says the historicin Sallust, when he 
 began to proscribe, now and then, a bad man ; but 
 they did not foresee what soon happened, that he did 
 not stop short, but went on to proscribe the good. It 
 is better to bear an individual mischiefs than a public 
 incrmvenicnce. This is a maxim of the common law. 
 That is, it is better to enuure an evil in a particular 
 case, than to -violate a general firinciple. There ought 
 to be constitutional ground, and a just cause to re- 
 move the obnoxious. It will not do even in Ireland, 
 to hang a man for stealing cloth, because he is a bad 
 weaver. 
 
 Where parties exist in a republic, that party will 
 predominate eventually winch pursues justice. A 
 democratic party, will find its only security in this. 
 "If these things are done in the green tree, what 
 shell be done in the dry " If democracy is not just, 
 what shall we expect from aristocracy, where the 
 pride of purse, and pride of family, raises the head ; 
 swells the port ; produces the strut, and all the un- 
 dervaluinir which tiiey^w have for th' many ? Aris- 
 tocracy, which claims by hereditary ri^ht, the hon- 
 ours and emoluments of the commonwealth. Who 
 does not dislike the presumption of the purse proud, 
 and the pridt^ of connections '^ And it is for that rea- 
 son that 1 wish my fellow democrats, " my brethren 
 according to the flesh." to do light ; to shew their 
 mijesly, the nobiiity of their nature, by their discri- 
 minaiioh^ and their sense of justice, J: or I am a dti- 
 
, MODERN CHIVALRY. 135 
 
 jnbcrat, if having no cousin^ and no funds ; and only 
 to rely on my personal services^ can inake 7ne one. And 
 I believe this is a pretty g^ood pledge for democracy 
 iA any man Unless indeed, liC should becon e a 
 tt)ol to those that have cousins and funds ; and this 
 he will riot do if he has ^rzd/«?. Htj might be made a 
 despot, but this can only be by the peoples destroy- 
 \x\i^ the essence of liberty, by pushing it to licentious- 
 ness. A despot is a spectre which vises chiefly from 
 the marsh ol licentiounncss. It was ihe jacobins viatic 
 Bonaparte lihat he now is. 
 
•136 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER IVi 
 
 A CAVALCADE was coming by, and upon en- 
 quiry it was found to be a crowd of people with a law- 
 yer gagged. The knob in his mouth was rather long; 
 and ti:e poor man seemed lo be in pain, by the ex- 
 tension of Iiis jaws. He could not speak : which was 
 a great firivaiion^ it being his daily employment, and 
 the labour of his vocation. For the people thought 
 lie spoke loo much, or at least was tedious in his 
 speeches, and took up the time of the court, and 
 jurits, unnecessarily. But this was a new way of 
 correcting amplification in an orator. It is true that 
 things strike more than words, and the soldier, in a 
 Roman assembly, -who held up the stump of his arm 
 lost h; battle, pleaded more effectually, for his bro- 
 ther, the accused, than all the powers of eloquence. 
 But it was a wicked thing, and entirely a la mob, to 
 stretch the jaws so immeasurably. But the people 
 will have their way; -when they £;et a thing into their 
 heads, there is no stopping tiiem ; especially on a 
 fair day, such as this was. It is true the tiling was 
 illegal, and he could have his action, but they took 
 their chance of that. The fact is, the tediousness of 
 lawyers, in their harangues, is beyond bearing, and 
 is enough to drive the people to adjusimsni bilUy and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 1 57 
 
 any thing, to get quit of them. The opener of a 
 cause, must lead you into the whole transaction, in- 
 stead of leaving it to the evidence to do it. He must 
 give you a view of the whole scope of his case. This 
 Height be in a few words. But he wants to make a 
 speech ; a strong impression at the first. He must 
 tell you how he means to draw up his evidence ;'/iow 
 tojlght his men. I should not like my adversary to 
 know this ; I would not tell the court, lest he should 
 hear it. What would we thipk of a £reneral who 
 should mount the rostrum in the presence of the ene- 
 my, and explain the order of his battle ? I love the 
 art of managini^ a cause for its o"?tn sake, and I like 
 to see it scientifically won. The less speaking, almost 
 always, the better for a cause. There is such a thing, 
 a:s " darkening counsel by words without knowledge.** 
 Atticisrn is favourable to fiercefition in the hearer. We 
 do not carry wheat to be ground before it is sifted of 
 the chaff. Yet there may be an error on the other 
 side. The declination to brevity may be too great. 
 I am afraid to say much on this head, lest I should 
 be understood to undervalue eloquence, and check it 
 altogether. But certain k is, that the excess is on 
 the side of quantity, in speaking at the bar at present. 
 The juries feel it, and^'t^VMst,. and turn themselves in- 
 to all shapes to avoid it. The courts feci it, and on 
 many occasions, groan for deliverance. 
 
 What necessity on a point of law to read all cases, 
 that have relation to the subject? To give a lecture 
 on the elementary principle, and adduce cases, from 
 the first decision to the last. Jt has been in vogue 
 with the clergy, to begin with Genesis, and end with 
 Revelations; to prove their doctiine as they go along, 
 by an enchainment of texts ; and to say t'he. same; 
 thing over again, in many different words. But in 
 demonstrating the forty-seventh proposition of tho 
 II 2 ^- . 
 
133 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 first book of Euclid, we do not lay down every postu- 
 late, and axiom ; nor do we go through the demon- 
 strulion of every preceding problem, on which this is 
 built ; but we refer to such of them as enter into that 
 which is before us. The demonstrations of Euclid 
 are brief ; and that constiuies their excellence. Ad 
 eventum festinat. Here is no detour ; or winding 
 that does not accelerate, and force the conclusion. 
 
 la the mean time, the blind lawyer being at hand, 
 dvlivering a lecture, had heard of the tribulation of 
 his brother the gag'd lawyer ; and for the honour of 
 the profession, stretching out his hands to the people, 
 had obtained liis enlargement ; and the removal of 
 the p-'g. But it was said, this would be a warning ta 
 the advocate, to shorten his speeches for the future. 
 The branks which had been upon his iiead ; that is, 
 the woodys which had tied the knob, were laid aside 
 for anotlier occasion. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. ISO 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 IT was a legal proreeding, in this village, that 
 when any one was suspected' of insanity, a commis- 
 sion of lunacy issued, and an enquiiy was held to as- 
 certain the fact. An inquisition was holden at this 
 time on the body of a man, and it was the right of 
 the defendant, when the evidence on the part of the 
 commonwealth was closed, to be heard in his defence. 
 On this occasion the accused person made use of liis* 
 privilege. 
 
 THE madman's defence. 
 
 FcUoiV' Citizens ; 
 
 It is an auk ward situation in which yon see me 
 placed, to be obliped to m< intuin that I am in my 
 right mind^ and not out of my senses. Tor even if I 
 speak sense, you may altribme it to a bind in ft\al. 
 It is not a difficult matter, to fix any in^putatif n upon 
 a man. It is only to fcdlow it well up •' Line upon 
 line ; precept upon prtctpt ; here a little :ukI there a 
 little '* There is nothing but a U'ln's own life, und 
 a course of conduct, that can rebut the calun ny. It 
 is therefore in vain, to answer in L-azettes. t<T to go 
 out into the streets and call oui /aisc/wcd. The more 
 
140 MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 pains you take to defend yourself, the more it is fixed 
 upon you. For the bulk of mankind are on the side 
 of the calumniator, and would rather have a thing 
 tiiie, than false. I believe there would be no better 
 way, than for a man to join in, and slander himself, 
 until the weight of obloquy, became so great, that 
 the public would revolt, and from believing all, be- 
 lieve nothing. 1 have known this tried with success. 
 But how can one rebut the imputation of madness ? 
 How disprove insanity ? The highest excellence of 
 understanding, and madness, like the two ends of a 
 right line, turned to a circle, are said to come to- 
 gether. 
 
 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mensura dementise. 
 
 Great wits to madness sure are near allied ; 
 And this partitions do the bounds divide. 
 
 Hence you will infer that I may appear rational, 
 and quick of perception, and even just in judgment 
 for a time, and yet be of a deranged intellect. What 
 can I tell you, but that it is the malice of my ene- 
 mies, thai have devised this reproach, in order to hin- 
 der my advancement in state affairs ? It is true there 
 are some things in my habit, and manner that may 
 have given colour to tlie charge ; singularities. But 
 a man of study, and abstract thought, will have singw 
 la ides, Henry Fielding's Parson Adams ;. and Doc- 
 tor Oikborn in Mrs. D' Arbray's Camilla, are ex- 
 amples of this. A man of books will be abstract, or 
 absent in conversation, sometimes in business. 
 
 A man of books, said the Foreman of the Jury ! a 
 scholar 1 Aii 1 You are a scholar, are you. Ah, ha ; 
 that is enough ; we want no more. If you are not a 
 madman, you must be a knave^ and that comes to the 
 same thing. Say, gentlemen, shall we find him guil' 
 ty ? What say you, is he mad ? 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. Ui 
 
 1. Juryman ; he seems to be a little cracked, 
 
 2. He does not appear to be right in his head, 
 S. I cannot think him in iiis right mind, 
 
 4. He is beside himself, 
 
 5. Crazy. 
 
 6. Out of his reason. 
 
 7. Deranged. 
 
 8. Insane. 
 
 9. Mad. 
 
 10. Stark mad. 
 
 11. As mad as a March hare. 
 12 Fit for Bedlam. 
 Verdict — Lunacy. 
 
 The court to whom the inquisition was returned, 
 thought it a hard case, as there was no other evi- 
 dence tlian his own confession of being addicted /• 
 boofcs^ and gave leave to move an arrest of judgment; 
 and ordered him before themselves for examination. 
 
 You are a man of books 
 
 A little so. 
 
 What books have you read ? 
 
 History, divinity. 
 
 What is the characteristic of history \ 
 
 Fiction. 
 
 Of xMovels? 
 
 Truth. 
 
 Of metaphysics ? 
 
 Imagination. 
 
 Of natural philosophy \ 
 
 Doubt. 
 
 Wiiat is the best lesson in moral philosophy \ 
 
 To exfiect no gratitude. 
 
 Wlm is the best qualification of a politician ? 
 
 Honesty. 
 
 The next best ? 
 
 Jl^nowledge. 
 
142 MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 The next best ? 
 
 Fortitude. 
 
 Who serves the people best ? 
 
 Not always him that fileases them most. 
 
 It seems to the Court, said the Chief Justice, that 
 the man is not aitos^ether mad. He appears rational 
 in some of his answers. We shall af/W^e ujion it. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRYi 14S 
 
 OBSERVATIONS* 
 
 THERE has certainly been a great deal of 
 ''vainlearning in the wo-rld ; and ^ood ntitural sense 
 has been undervalued. '^ Too much learning may 
 make a man mad." It may give him a pride and vani- 
 ty that unfits for the transaction of serious affairs. I 
 would rather have a sober sedate man of common 
 sense in public councils, than a visionary sciolist just 
 from the academies. But solid science is ornamental, 
 as well as useful in a government. Literary acquire- 
 ments may be undervalued. A man may not be a 
 scholar himself ; but he may have a son that may. 
 " The child may rue tliat is unborn. * 
 A check given to the love of letters. The offspring 
 of a plain farmer may be a philosofiher ; a laivijtra 
 judge. Let not the simplest man tliereiVne set li:-^ht by 
 literary studies. The bulk of our youths aie suffici- 
 ently disposed to indolence of themselves. It requirts 
 all the inciter, ent of honours and emoluments to trim 
 the midnight lamp.. The rivalshifi of the s'a'es ought 
 to be in iheir Jiublic foundation^ ; in producing men of 
 letters. Popular distrust of them ought not to be 
 promoted. The coxcomb; the macaroni springs up 
 in the cities : Tiie illiterdte in the coimtry viihige. 
 Legal knowledge, and political learning, are the sta- 
 mina of the constitution The preserviition of the 
 constitULion is the stability of tlie itate. 
 
Hi MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Political studies ought to be the great object with 
 the generous youth of a republic ; not for the sake of 
 place or profit ; but for the sake of judging right, 
 and preserving the constitution inviolate. Flutarch's 
 lives ii an admirable book for this fiurfiose. I should 
 like to see an edition of 10,000 voluines bought up in 
 every state. Plutarch was a lover of virtue, and his 
 reflections are favourable to all that is great and good 
 amongst men. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. U; 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE madman ^eing out upon bail, walked a- 
 bout seemingly disconsolate ; and fell in vith a phi- 
 lanthropic perbon, who endea^oul■cd to console him. 
 You may think yourself fortunate, said he, that the 
 charge had not been that you wfrf dtad. Youmight 
 have'heen tumbitd into a coffin, and buried before 
 you were aware. V/hen a public clamour is once 
 raised, there is no resisting it. People will have the 
 thing to be so, lest there should be no news. For the 
 stagnation of intclUgence is equal tc the want oi breath. 
 I will venture to say that in three days, were 1 to un- 
 dertake it, I could have it believed that liie soul had 
 gone out of your body, and that you were a walking 
 mummy. It is only to insist upon it, and spread it, 
 and a part will be credited ; at first, and Bnahy the 
 whole. Thank foriunt that you are upon your feet 
 upon the earth. You are not tlie fir^t that have been 
 buried alive. On opening a coffin, tlie corpse has been 
 foimd turn'u upon its iace. In a tomb it has been 
 found out of the coffin, and laying where it had wan- 
 dered, thinking to get out. 
 
 Good heavens 1 said tiie madman, this is enough 
 to turn one*b br.an ind^^cd. I begin to feel iny t ei^d 
 swimming. Is it possible that w'itiiout the least foun* 
 
 PART II. VOL. 1. N 
 
^■'tN, 
 
 146 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 elation, siich a proposiiion should come to be believ- 
 ed ? Believed ; ay ; and people would be found to 
 swear to it. You have no conception from how small 
 beginnings great things arise. 
 
 Ingrediturque solo, & caput inter nubila condit. 
 
 You have seen a luood-fiecker. It is astonishing how 
 large a hole ii makes with so small a beak. It is ow- 
 in^ to succeis&ive impressions. Since common fame 
 lias begun with you, it is wtll that it has taken that 
 turn ; and made you orily mad. 
 
 If that is the case, said the inaji ofbooks^ I ought to 
 be reconcih^d. It niight have been worse. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. UT 
 
 CHAPTER Vn. 
 
 IT may seem strange tliat in the present cur- 
 vent of prejudice ac^ainst learning-, and learned men, 
 the schoolmaster had not been taken up, that spoke 
 lAitin. The fact was, the people did not know that 
 it was Latin. Some took it for one lani^uuge, and 
 some for another. Thus, when he accos'ed persons 
 in the street, with his puzzlin^^ phrases to translate, 
 either on account of the peculiarity of the idiom, or 
 the elipsis of the sentence, answers were given cor- 
 respondent to the mistake. Thus ; 
 
 Nil admirari 
 
 I do not understand Spanish. 
 
 Simplex munditiis 
 
 I never learned Welsh. 
 
 Ambie;uoque vultu 
 
 It is Greek to me. 
 
 Lacrimae re rum — _. 
 
 I do not understand Dutch, 
 Mea Valenliam, si quis- 
 
 I have never been among the Indians, 
 
 "Esse Sua 
 
 Parati 
 
 Potatoes are very good. 
 
14S MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 As for the blind lawyer, humanity interposed on 
 his behalf. There is a generosity in the public mind 
 that leads tliem to pass by the unfortunate. The so- 
 vereign people, like other sovereigns, do not make 
 war upon bats. His lectures were short, and did not 
 cost much. The Joss of money, leaves a bite behind 
 it worse than the stinsj of the Wdsp. It is this that 
 excites a* prejudice agviinst lawyers ; and yet people 
 are, themselves, to blame. It is their own self-love, 
 and unwillingness to think themselves in the wrong, 
 that leads to law. Covttousness, deceives. 
 
 O, si fingulus ille, mihi foret • 
 
 I must have tliat nuke of woods, that rins out there. 
 It will mak a calf pasture. 
 
 1 admit that bar oratory is carried to excess, and 
 there is too much of it occasionally ; it is valued by 
 the quAUtity, more than the quality. But there is a 
 threat deal of excciknt oratory to be found at the bar. 
 There are stamina, though retrenchments might be 
 mude. 
 
 Cum luculentus flueret, 
 
 Eral quod tollcre posses. 
 
 The qfveat d'.'ftct is, the makin;^ many points; the 
 cat that had but one way to escape, stood as good a 
 cljance, as the fux that had a thousand. Seize the 
 turning point of the cause ; if it can be done, and 
 canvass that. The stroke of the eye, or coup d* eil, 
 which characterizes the great general, is the being 
 ?^M to see, at ^.ce, the commandiug point of the 
 iifid : to abandon out posts, and concentrate his forces. 
 Why need a mun be taking time to shew, in how- 
 many ways, he Can kill a squirrel ? If he can take him 
 down with a rifle bidl, at once, it i^ enough. 
 
 Oratory has no where a finer province, than at the 
 bar. In a deliberative assembly, there is no such 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 1:9 
 
 icope. Questions of finance have nothing to do with 
 the heart. No man can be an orator at the bar, that 
 has not a burning^ love of juslice. For it is this gives 
 the soul of oratory. An advocate thinkinj'' merely of 
 the fee can be no orator. The soul must be expand- 
 ed by the love of virtue. 
 
 In a deliberative assembly, it is difficult to be honest. 
 Party will not suffer it. At the bar a man may b^ 
 honest. For, iu a cause he is not supposed to speak 
 his own sentiments, but to present his side of the ar- 
 gument ; and with truth in his statements. The at- 
 tempting to hold what is not tenable^t'is a mark of 
 tvcakness. Why t!ien a prejudice against lawyers ? 
 I exclude attornies that are mere vimey gatherers ; 
 or p:'ofessional men, that screw the needy, and grind 
 the faces of tlie poor. Such there will always be. 
 But nature fire H€ at % nothing ivithout an allay of evil. 
 
 As to the bhnd fiddler if it should be asked, why he 
 was not accounted mad, it was because he was not 
 denounced. There is a great deal in calling out mad 
 dog. Besides, the insignificance of the spraper, pro- 
 tected hini in the republic. He was so busy scraping, 
 that he never middled rjith politics^ and this was a 
 great help And as he played every tune to every 
 one that asked, having no predilection for Langoleej 
 above Etric Banks, he gave no offence. 
 
 Nunquam contra torrentem, brachia, 
 
 Direxit, sic octaginta unnos vidit in aula. 
 
 K 2 
 
Ko» MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER VHI, 
 
 A CATTLE driver had come from the <ivester» 
 ■iilcjneiits^ lo exchange at the fair, stork, for salt, 
 iron, and worn «. In barter for the last article, a cow 
 v.'as p;iv'en for a girl. The settler went out, in the 
 f.rst instance, Witii a rifle, a hatchet, and a kJiapsack. 
 Having- hxecl on a spot at a spring head, the next 
 thing was to fall sapiir.s ana construct a hut. A small 
 piece of ground was then cleared of the under-wood, 
 and this tbrn>ecl into a bi usii fence to inclose it. He 
 rt-turned then to the interior of the country, and the 
 next sunniier, going out with a hoe, and a stock of 
 providons, on a pack-liorae, he began his cultivation. 
 Having tallied a bufiudoe, or got a cow from Padau 
 Aram, he iiad in clue time, milk in al.'undance. This 
 put it into liis head to get a milk-maid ; in other words 
 a wife. The traders in tliis article, usually cho^e tljose 
 of the iess ofiutent^ Vr host* dress answered all the ends 
 of fashion without the affvCation. The clbonvs ivere 
 tarf, because the sleeves did not reach J and the fold- 
 ing doors of the bosom were undravrn, because they 
 bad been always open. There was no occasion for 
 fle^h coloui'ed pantaloons ; for the pantaloons were 
 tlie ivatured flesh itself, discovered through the rents 
 of the muslin by (he wavmg of the wind, like a light 
 cioLid upon a bed of air, in an April day. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. <51 
 
 When these virgins, " nothinj^ loath,'* hnd been 
 conducted to the bowers mantltd with the natural vine, 
 an offspring arose in a few years, such as that from 
 whence the poets have drawn their best fictions. You 
 will have no occasion to read Ovid's Mttaniojp'rosis, 
 to have an ima<re of Dapl.ne, or Proserpine; Diana 
 and her nymphs ; the Dryads, Hamadryads, or other 
 personages Just cross over into these new forests 
 and there you have them in reality : maids butiiing 
 their snowy limbs in transparent streanis ; climbing 
 the mountain top, collecting fiowers, or gatlitring ihe 
 berries of the wood * Nature is here in her bloom ; 
 no decay or decrepitude. All fragrancy, heaiti, ?nd 
 vivacity. 
 
 The stripling of these woods, is dislin.uiuished from 
 the city beau ; but it will not become rue to say wlio 
 has the advantage : whether the attitude of the pre- 
 sented rifle ; or that of the segar in the teeth, is the 
 most manly ? Which looks best, the luHuing s! irt 
 open at the neck, or the roll of musiin thi|t covers it, 
 and swells upon the clun ? Tliese are things to l>c 
 canvassed by the curious I am of opinion, however, 
 that it is better to be clear sighted than puibiind, and 
 to be able to see a deer in a thicket, than to have ntcd 
 of a glass, before the nose to direct the bt.ps where 
 there is nothing to stumble over. 
 
 It can be no slur upon the descendant of a westt in 
 settler, that his mother was obtaint:d in birttr, v. i.h 
 her hair descending to her girdle ; or wa\ing in ring, 
 lets on' he V shoulders ; and the moisture of h.tr t\e 
 brightened witli a tear at the emigration ; when he 
 considers, that, in all times, and in ul! places, mi.tii- 
 mony, to use the pun of Bishop Latimer, has been, 
 in a great degree, a matter of mtney ; and the roj bi- 
 deration of the contract not alwavs wlun the lawytra 
 Cidi a ^ood co?m(i€rationj that is affection i but a \ali!* 
 
152 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 able one, luealth. Even if the circumstance should 
 be considered as less honourable than a marriage set^ 
 tlement moiih forms^ und perfect equality, in the trans- 
 action ; it will be forgotten in a century or two, and it 
 may come to be doubted whether there nvas ever such 
 a thing as barter at all. 
 
 A noise of a different kind was now heard in an- 
 other quarter. It was occasioned by a brick-bat which 
 had fallen from the heavens, or the lop of a chimneys 
 or been thrown by some one, which is just iS likely, 
 and hit the stall of an honest Irenchman, who sold 
 hair-powder. He construed it an insult, and insisted 
 upon knowing, what no one could infoim him of; 
 or if they could, was not disposed to do it ; that is, 
 whence it cume ? Diuble ! diable I said he, in a rage. 
 Si j*etois, d* en la France. If I vere in my own con- 
 tree — Le miserable police. Dish contree has une 
 ver bad police. 
 
 A I' en enfer, — Foutre. Foutre- Foutre I 
 
 Paice que je suis un jacobin. I be de jacobin. 
 Dish ish de enrage. Viil kill all de honest re-publican. 
 
 Ah ! Messieurs aristocrats; c' est que vous voulez 
 me tuer — C est une terrible conspiiation. h ish van 
 terrible conspiiuty 
 
 Civility to a Jbreigncr induced the multitude to in- 
 terpose, an(i endeavour to purify. But strangeis are 
 jealous, and it was an h(;ur beiore he could be per- 
 suaded by some that spoke tl:e language, to believe 
 that the thing mi>,iit Imve been a matter of accident. 
 He liad threatene(' to make a rtpiesentaticn to the 
 government, and demand the inlerposition oi the ex- 
 ecutive. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. iS3 
 
 There is reason to think that he had dropped it ; 
 fts we have seen no diplomatic correspondence on the 
 subject. 
 
 A seller of patent medicines gave out that he had 
 bought them from a chymist who had invented a ne-u; 
 vegetable. Discovered, you mean, said a naturalist. 
 No ; Invented., said the patent doctor. He made it 
 him'^elf. I have some of the seeds in my pocket. 
 Out of what did lie make it ? Hydrogen ; oxygen j 
 carbonic acid, and muriate of soda. 
 
 It is beyond my comprehension : what does the 
 seed look like, said the naturalist ? Coriander seed ; 
 or tnustard, said the doctor. Here is a sample of it, 
 givir.g him a grain or two. 
 
 And it is out of this you make your drops, said th.c 
 naturalist? Certainly, said t'lc doctor. 
 
 And a new seed will produce new drops, said t: c- 
 naturalibt ; and perform new cures in the world. 
 
 Undeubtedly, said the doctor: what use could there 
 be in inventing it, if it did not ? 
 
 I wish he would invent a ntw /ilanet, said the na- 
 turalist. 
 
 That he could do readily enough, said the doctor ; 
 but there are more than are good already. They shed 
 malign injluences. 
 
 Aye, quo* the Scotchman j there is such a tiling 
 AS <' evil siurs" 
 
iU MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 A coMPAXY of village players were actinjy a 
 pantOTnimc. ILulequin represenled a politician with 
 the people on his back. Incurvatecl and groaning, he 
 seemed to (eel the pressure exceedingly, 
 
 I like burlesque very well, said a spectator. A 
 man must ima:j:ine himself Atlas, forsooth, nvifh the 
 heavens on his tihouldLns ! The people would walk on 
 their feet if he would let them alone. What matters 
 it, if by attempting to sustain them, he gets his rump 
 broke ? 
 
 That is all the thanks a patriot ever got, said a 
 yise man. 
 
 Are not the people strong enough of themselves ? 
 said the spectator. 
 
 Strength of mind is improvable, said the"w^emrn. 
 Hence strength of mind differs more than strength cf 
 body. The agjrregate of. mind is one thing and a 
 distin5i:ui5hed mind another. It is not so absurd, to 
 suppose that one mind, in a particular case, may ex- 
 cel another. The socicd compact is a noble study. 
 He who has devoted himself greatly to it, may be 
 supposed to have made some progress. Why should 
 he not have credit for his good intentions ? Why 
 make him the object of a public exhibition, because 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 155 
 
 he thinks himself the support of the community ? 
 Public spirit ought to be supported, and hints well 
 meant, well taken. It is but an innocent hypocon- 
 driasis for a man to apprehend that he is doing good, 
 by his lucubrations. That he is a pillar of the com- 
 monwealth. 
 
 See how he grins, and balances, said the spectator, 
 speaking of the Harlequin, because ihe ^leojile^ in his 
 cpinion^ are too much to the one side. 
 
 It is an easy thing to turn even virtue into ridicule, 
 said the wise man. But selfishness was never an amia- 
 ble quality. And can tlierc be a nobler eHort of be- 
 nevolence than to seek the pubiic good ? If one indi- 
 vidual misses it ; anoilicr hits ; and the piinciple is 
 salutary. It is not him that sails with the wind of 
 popular opinion that always consults the interest of 
 the populace At the same time, I am for keejdvg 
 tifi the spirit of the fieo/de. It is the armosfihere ofli- 
 berty. And tliough this atmosphere is the regioii of 
 I'irhtning and engenders storms., yet m it we breathe., and 
 rave our being. But I speak of the angel that guides 
 the hurricane ; the good man of more tempeiMe 
 counsels , and who, from age, experience, or extent 
 ofliiopght, sees the consequence of things, and I'p- 
 [lies the prudence of restruhit to the common mind 
 in the violence of its emoions. 
 
 Why shall we censure such a man should he in- 
 dulge the ambition of restraining th-e people ; or ra- 
 ther of supportmg them by counselling mcdtiatic.n. 
 He is sometimes the best friend that refn^ovts. A flat- 
 terer never was a friend. The caricature o a man 
 having the people on his back, is an aristoc ratic f^ tch 
 to discourage a love for the people, and a disposiiion 
 to promote their leal interest. This Harh qtiin is set 
 on by the enemies of the people, and with a view to 
 disparage republican exertions. 
 
 The spectator was silent. 
 
156 MODERN CHIVALRY: 
 
 While the Harlequin was acting The Opfiresied 
 Politician^ as the pantomime was called, a pedlar had 
 thrown himself into nearly a similar position ; and 
 though it may seem strange, an accidental conjunction 
 of attitude. He had got his stall on his back ; and 
 gave out that lie had taken an oath, not to set it down, 
 until the people at the fair, had bought off all his 
 goods. He was on his hands, and feet, and bellowing 
 like the bull of Phalaris, affecting to be overcome, 
 with the lo.id of his p ick The people, out of huma- 
 nity ; creduljus to his distress, came from every quar- 
 ter to hear liis complaint, and ease him of his goods. 
 A pirtner was handing out the merchandize, and dis- 
 pc•^in;> to the customer, as fast as he could come at the 
 articles. The back-bent man, in the mean time, in 
 his inclined posture, was gathering up the dollars, 
 thrown upon the ground, and putting tiiem into his 
 hat ; not omitting, tlie groans necessary to attract a 
 con'.inuance of commiseration. 
 
 Ciui^tian people, said he, ease me of my wares, or 
 I shall have to break my back, or to break my oath. 
 
 You liad belter break your oath than your back, 
 said a man pas-rig i:>y; 1 have no money to throw 
 away upon a ro;.cue. • 
 
 A roi;ue ! S^id the burthened man. If I were a 
 rogue I could break my outh ; but it is conscience 
 keeps me litre I ci^nnot break my oath ; and my back 
 must be b: oke. Help good peopMhelp; buy my wares 
 and ease use of my load. 
 
 You son of a whore, said a rude man, cannot you 
 stand up. and your pack will fall off? 
 
 Ay but it is my oaih, said the Pedlar, that keeps it 
 on, uu'ilall my goods be bought. 
 
 It ish a lam sheat, said an honest German ; he ish 
 a liar and a rogue. His back ish not broke more ash 
 mine. His pack ish light ash a feather j wid shilks, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. i57 
 
 and such tings, dsit weigh nothing. He is a tarn sheat 
 and a rogue. 
 
 I am muckle o* your way o' thinkinp^, said Donald 
 Bain, the weaver ; it is a' a stratagem, to get his hand 
 in folks pockets, and wile awa' the penny. The deei an 
 aith has he ta'en. It is a' a forgery. 
 
 It ish a devlish contrivance, said the German. 
 
 It is all de love of de monish, said a Jew. His con- 
 science is monish ; I go anodei* way to de exchange 
 dish morning. 
 
 Nevertheless credulity prevailed : and some conti- 
 nued to purchase. 
 
 If at the hundreth edition of this work, a century 
 or two hence, it should be pubUshed with cuts, like 
 Don Quixotte, and other books of an entertaining 
 oust ; tiie figure of the Pedlar and his pack may af- 
 ford a good drawing ; and the Hculequin, at the same 
 time, with the people on his buck. 
 
 I'iie moral of the dut^es^ed jiolitician is obvious to 
 every one. It is natural for us to suppose thai the 
 world cannot do without us. O wliat will they do 
 when we are gone, is tiie laus^uage of almost every 
 man's heart in some way or other. I will vtnture to 
 suy there are chimney sweepers, who titir.k that all 
 will go to pot. when they drop off. Yet the world 
 goes on its g:ud;^cons, and all things that are therein 
 revolve just as before I 
 
 What will we do for a general, said one to me, 
 "when Fayette deserted to Sedan. 
 
 What ? when Duinourier went off said another ? 
 
 He may be yer. in the ranks said ./, ivho will iermi' 
 
 PAKT II. VOL. I, O 
 
l^s MODERN CHlVALRtr*' 
 
 nate the revolution. It came nearly to pass ; for the 
 Corsican was at that time but in the low grade of what 
 we call a subaltern. 
 
 I have reflected with myself whence it is that men 
 of slow minds, and moderate capacities, and with less 
 zeal and perhaps less principle, execute offices, and 
 sustain functions with less exception, than others of 
 more vigour and exertion ; and I find it owing to a 
 single secret ; laissez nous faire ; " let us be doing :" 
 that is. Jet subordinates, do a great deal themselves. 
 " He is right ;'* it is well ; and if it is wrong, self- 
 love saves the error : men had rather be suffered to 
 be wrong, than to be set right against their wills. 
 What errors of stupidity have I seen in life, in the 
 small compas-; of my experience, and the sphere of 
 my information ; and these, errors the object of in- 
 i^ulgcnce, because there was nothing said or done to 
 wound tlie pride «5f the employer. This is a lesson to 
 hu:n;'ii pride and vanity. It is a lesson of prudence to 
 the impetuous. The sun lets every planet take its 
 course ; and so did General Washington. That was 
 t!ie happy facuky that made Isim popular. 
 
 His forf was, in some degree, the laissez nous faire j 
 ••' The not doing too much.'* 
 
 Yet the lovers of an art, may be excused in being 
 hurt when tiiey see the artist err. The lovers of the 
 public may deserve praise who wish to set the world 
 right and do a little towards it. It is the error of vi* 
 gorous minds, to say the ier.st of it ; and oftentimes, 
 the excess of virtue. 
 
 Son^etimes, it is ari instinctive impulse qfe.fiirit that 
 cannot be resisted. Alcibiades superseded in the com- 
 mand of the Athenian army, but remaining in the 
 neighbourhood could not avoid pointing out to the ge- 
 nerals who succeeded him and who were his enemies^ 
 the errors they were about to commit, and which ad- 
 
 '1 
 
'MODERN Clin'ALRY 
 
 i:j 
 
 vice, neglecting-, they were overthrown with their for- 
 ces, by the Lacedemonians under the conduct of Ly- 
 Sander, and disgraced. Moreau though superseded 
 by the directoly, and serving only as a volunteer, step- 
 ped forward to an unauthorized command, and saved 
 the armv en the defeat, and death of Joubcrt. 
 
 The crilic will say, wha use cc.n there be in such 
 representations ? We do not write altogether for 
 grave, or even grown men ; our book is not for a day 
 only. We mean it for the coming gen-. ration, as 
 well as the present ; and intending solid observations, 
 ive interlard fikasantry to make the boys read. 
 
<^G MODERN CHIVALRV. 
 
 CHAPTER i. 
 
 CONTAINIXG EXPLANATIONS. 
 
 IN my observations on the licence of the Jn cm 
 in tlie early pages of tiiis book, it may be seen lliat I 
 have had in \\it\v Jiersonal^ and not /coiiiicai stricture. 
 The difference of these I cunnot so well express as in 
 the words of the greatest orator in the knowledge of 
 history, Curran of Inland. I quote him to give my- 
 self an opportunity of saying how much 1 admire him. 
 It is on Finerty^s trial for a libel, thai the following- 
 correct sentiments are beautifully expressed. 
 
 *• Havhig stated to you gentlemen, the great and 
 exclusive extent of your jurisdiction, I shall beg leave 
 to suggest to you a disiinclion that will strike you at 
 first si'^ht; and that is the distinction between piiblic 
 aniinadverr>ions upon the character of private indivi- 
 duals, and those which are written upon measures of 
 government, and the persons who conduct them ; the 
 former may be called personal, and the latter political 
 publications. No two things can be more different in 
 their nature, nor, in the point of view in which they 
 are to be looked on by a jury. The criminality of a^ 
 merely personal libel, consists in this, that it tends to 
 a breach of the peace j it tends to all the vindictive 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 161 
 
 paroxisms of exasperated vanity ; or .to the deeper, 
 
 and more dehdly vengeance of irritated pride. The 
 
 truth is, few men see at once tliat they cannot be hurt 
 so much as they think by the mere battery of a news- 
 paper. They do not reflect, that every character has 
 a natural station, from which it cannot be eff-ctually 
 degraded, and beyond wliich it cannot be raised by 
 thebawlings of a news-hawker If it is wantonly as- 
 persed, it is but for a season, aJid that a short one 
 WHEN IT EMERGES LIKE THE iMOON 
 FROM BEHIND A PASSING CLOUD TO ITS 
 ORIGINAL BHiGHfNESS. Iris ri.^Hu however, 
 that the law and that you, should hold tlie stiicttst 
 hand over this kind of public animadversion that 
 forces humility and innocence from their retreat 
 into the glare of public view * — That wounds and sacri- 
 fices that destroys the cordiuiiiy and peace of domestic 
 life; and, that, without eradicatintr a single vice or a 
 single folly, plants a thousand thorns in the humwi 
 keart." 
 
 It will not give universal satisfaction to have in- 
 troduced the name of Porcupine, or Calender. Tor 
 though no man can rtspt;ct these characters; yet, con- 
 sciousness of having once favoured them from other 
 motives, will touch the self love of some, as it vAW be 
 said the one is dead ; and the other run away, and it 
 "Was not worth whilf, or perhaps liberal, to make use 
 of their names even in a dramatic way ; or as a cha- 
 racter in a fable. As to Porcupine, it was said at the 
 time, that thon;<h occasionally coarse in hvi languap^e, 
 ami gross in iiis refltctioris, yet such a spirit and stjk 
 o 2 
 
162 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 of writinp^, was necessary to counteract the excess of 
 democratic principles ; that in fact, it did good. I 
 doubt upon that liead ; or rather to the bv,st of my 
 judgment, it did harm to the cause which it was 
 thoUf^ht to serve. Individuation is insensibly transfer- 
 ed from the advocate to the cause. 
 
 It has been said, in the British Parliament, that 
 " He deserved a statue of gold for the services ren- 
 dered here " This is a great mistake. He did injury 
 to the character of British manners and liberality. It 
 produced something like a personal resentmentagainst 
 the whole nation wiience such a writer came. An 
 intemperate partiz. n in public or in private life, can 
 never serve any cause. 
 
 But it was not with a view to pourtray this spectre 
 of scurrility that the name is introduced; but because 
 it suited to the counterpart, Polecat. I had thought 
 of Panther ; but Porcupine, could be drawn from real 
 life, and was at hand. 
 
 I will not say, that bffore Porcupine came and 
 since, tliere has not bten a portion of scurrility in 
 some gaztttes, univorthy of tke firess. There, has 
 bt-en too much ; but I believe the example and the 
 fate of this monster, and uis successor Calender, has 
 greatly coniributed to reform the abuse. It is a check 
 upon an editor, to be tlireatened, not with a prosecu- 
 lion ; but to be called, a Forcupine j or a Calender, 
 
 It will be natural for a reader to apply in his 
 ©wn mind, the history of the village and its agitations, 
 to the sta^e where we live; and it will be asked, what 
 ground is there for the idea, that here we talk of pull- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 168 
 
 in^ down churches ; or burning^colleges. Tl'cre 13 
 no ground so far as respects churches ; but it is in- 
 troduced by Wtiy of illustration. What if any one 
 should Say, let us have no books, ami no doct lines, 
 but the ten commandments, the Lord's prayer, and 
 the apostles creed ? Give us the gospel in a narrow 
 compass, and have no more preaci mg about it 1 hi3 
 would be no more than is said of the law ; why can- 
 not we have it in a pocket book, anr' let every man be 
 his own lawyer ? Our acts of assembly fill several 
 folio volumes ; and yet these are not tiie one thou- 
 sandth pail of our law. Why not, at least, put the 
 acts of assembly in a nut nhtd? Ask our legislators. 
 What else law have we but the acts of the legislative 
 body ? The law of nations forms a part of the munici- 
 pal law of this state. This law is of great extent, and 
 to bci collected from many books The common law, 
 before the revolution, madt a part of our law ; and by 
 an act of our legislature of the 28lIi J.muary, 1777, it 
 is recognized and established to be a part of our law, 
 and ** such of the statute laws oj England as have here- 
 to/ore been in force ** This law must be collected 
 from commentaries, and decisions. It is of an im- 
 mense extent. Because the relations of men, and the 
 contracts of parties, are of an infinite variety. But 
 how is Turkey governed? Do the mufi require such 
 a multiplicity of rules ? No, nor the cadi m Persia ; 
 because '* having no law, they aie a law unto them- 
 selves " There is no jury there. It must be a pro- 
 fession, a business of study to understand our law : 
 we cannot therefore burn the books of law, or court- 
 houses, any more than we can dispense with sermons 
 * and commentaries on the Bible j or pull down religi- 
 ous edifices. 
 
 1 will not say, that people talk of burning colleges; 
 but they do not talk much of building them up. The 
 
164 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 constitution provides, Art. 7. " That the legislature 
 shall, as soon as conveniently may be, provide by law 
 for the establishment of schools throughout the state, 
 in such manner tiiat the poor may be taught gratis." 
 Sec, 11." The arts and sciences shall be promoted 
 in one or more sensinaries of learning." We do not 
 hear of much exertion on this head ; cither in the 
 legislative body, or out of doors. But what is more 
 exceptionable ; or at least unfortunate, in the opinion 
 of literary men, and perhaps in the opinion of some 
 that have the misfortune not to be learned, is that 
 learning does not seem to be in repute universally. 
 The surest means in some places, as is said, to make 
 your Avay to a public function, is to declaim against 
 learning. It avouIcI be a libel on the body politic, if 
 a state could be the subject of a libel, to say, or to in- 
 sinuate that this is general. Buf. if is hard in some 
 places. I do not know that h is carried so far that a 
 candidate for an office will affect not to be able to 
 write, but make his mark ; but it is not far from it ; 
 for he will take care to have it known, that he is no 
 scholar ; that he has had no dealings with the devil in 
 this way ; that he has kept himself all his life, thank 
 God, free from the black art of letters ; that he has 
 nothing but the plain light of nature to gO by, and 
 therefore cannot be a rogue ; that as for learned men 
 that have sold themselves to the devil, they may go 
 to their purchaser ; he will have nothing to do with 
 old nick or his agents. This is not just the language 
 used; but il is the spirit of it. It may be a caricature, 
 as we distort features to mark deformity more deform- 
 ed. But vhe picture is not without some original of 
 this drawing. To speak figuratively, as we say of 
 fevers, it may be in low grounds, and about marshes 
 that we have the indisposition ; that is, in the secluded 
 jiarts of the country. But so it is that it does exist.. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. Id5 
 
 It is true, the savages of our frontier country, and 
 elsewhere, dispense with the use of letters ; and at a 
 treaty, Canajohalas and other chiefs make their marks. 
 They are able counsellors, and bloody warriors, not- 
 withstanding^. The Little Turtle defeated General 
 St. Clair, who is a man of genius, and literary educa- 
 tion ; and yet the Little Turtle can neither read nor 
 write, any more than a wild turkey ; or a water tara- 
 pin. But let it be considered, that the deliberations 
 of the council-house, at the Miami towns, embrace 
 but simple objects; and a man may throw a tomliawk, 
 that holds a pen, but very aukwardly. So that there 
 is nothing to be inferred from this, candidly speaking. 
 I grant that Charlemagne, made his mark, by dippiii^j 
 his hand in ink, and placing it upon the parchment. 
 It was his hand, no doubt ; but it must have taken up 
 a large portion of the vellum ; and it would have 
 saved expence, if he could have signed himself, in a 
 smaller character. But what may pass, in an illite- 
 rate age, with an emperor, will not be so well received 
 in a more enlightened period, and in the case of a 
 common person. 
 
 It is not the want of learning that I consider as a 
 detect ; but the contrmfit of it. A man oj strong mind 
 may do without it ; but he ought not to undervalue the 
 assistance of it, in those who have but moderate parts 
 to depend upon. It is a bad lesson to young people ; 
 who had better take a lesson from their books. At 
 any rate, it is good to have the thing mixed ; here a 
 scholar and there an illiterate person ; that the hon- 
 esty of the one may correct the craft of the other. 
 
 How comes it that a lawyer in this state seems to 
 be considered as a limb of satan ? There is a great 
 prejudice against them. It would seem to me that it 
 is carried to an extreme. An advertisement appear- 
 ed some years ago in a Philadelphia newspaper of a 
 
166 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ship just arrived with indented servants ; tradesrfien 
 of all descriptions ; carpenters, joiners, and sawyers, 
 Tlie error of the press had made it laivyers. It gave 
 a general alarm ; for the people thought, we had 
 enough of them in this country already. 
 
 But if we have lawyers at all ; it is certainly an 
 advantage to have them well educated. Were it for 
 nothing else but the credit of the thing, I should like 
 to see an enlightened, and liberal bar in a country. 
 It is thought that learning makes them make long 
 speeches. IF that should be made appear; I bar learn- 
 ing ; for I like brevity : with Shakespeare, I think it 
 " the soul of wit." 
 
 I attribute the making long sfieeches,, to the taking 
 long notes. When every thing is taken down, every 
 thing must be answered, though it is not worth the 
 answering. This draws replies long into the night ; 
 and we labour under the disadvantage of not having 
 woolsacks to sleep upon as they have in England, 
 while the council are fatiguing themselves ; or at 
 least the juries. 
 
 The prejudice against lawyers stands upon the 
 ground witti the prejudice against learning. The ma- 
 jority are not lawyers., or learned men. A justice of 
 the peace is a deadly foe to a lawyer; for wliat the one 
 loses, the other gets. The chancery jurisdiction of 
 a justice; is hewn out of the jurisdiction of tiie Courts 
 of law, and abridges tlie provmce of the lawyer. It is 
 well if it does not edge out the trial by jury. How \ 
 This mode of trial is retained by the courts of law. 
 But who are at the bottom of tiiis hostility to the 
 courts of law. I will not say the holy army of justices ; 
 though some may break a spear at it. I believe there 
 are of them, that think their jurisdiction is sufficiently 
 encreased ; but there are others who wuuld not objects 
 to a little mtre. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 167 
 
 in China there are no courts of law or lawyers ; 
 all justices of the peace. They call them Mandarins, 
 In capital cases, there is an appeal to the emperor. 
 There is no jury trial there. 
 
 A limb of the law, is a good name for a lawyer ; 
 for we say a limb of Satan ; and a lawyer in a/ree 
 country is the next thing to it : a thorn in the flesh to 
 buffet the beople. There is freedom enough in the 
 constitution ; why need we be afraid of aristocracy in 
 practice ? Every man is brought up to the bull-ring 
 In a court of law, be he rich or poor; but the scheriff, 
 in Arabia, whois a justice of the peace ; not like our 
 sheriff here, though it is spelt the same nearly, can 
 sum?7ions no jury ; at least he takes care not to do it. 
 But the governments of those countries, are arbitrary, 
 not free. It is an astonishing thing to me, that a/ree 
 gov eminent y and the exclusion oj" laivyers^ cannot well 
 be teronciled. 
 
 How can the overthrow of a judiciary tribunal, af- 
 fect liberty ? No otherwise than as it militates against 
 a branch of the government. Take away a branch 
 from a tree, and the shade is reduced. What is a 
 branch that is boin down by the rest ? But suppose 
 the judiciary branch goes ; tlie legislative and execu- 
 tive remain. There are two sprigs to the legislative 
 branch. Which is strongest ? That of the house of 
 repcresentatives. Is there no danger of this out-grow- 
 ing the other two ? There is half a sprig in the exe- 
 cutive. But the great sprig of the house of represen- 
 tatives is " the rod of Aaron that wUl swallow up the 
 other rods." There is a talk now of «'.bolishing the se- 
 nate. That will be talked of, unless it becomes an 
 enregistcring office. It is hoped that will never be. 
 In this I allude not to any disposition that has yet 
 shewn itself in tlie house of representatives ; but to 
 what I have heard broached out of doors. 
 
a 68 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 •■ -"V 
 
 Despotism is not a self-born thing. It has its 6i 
 gin in Jirst causes. These not perceptible, like the 
 gas that produces the yellow fever. Why call out 
 against the fever ? It is the gas that is the cause. 
 Whence sprung the emperor that now affects the 
 French? From the mountain of the national assembly. 
 It is the madness of the people that makes emperors. 
 They are not always aware when they are planting 
 serpents teeth. Reflecting men saw the emperor, in 
 the insurrections of Paris; in the revolutionary tribu- 
 nals ; in the dominancy of the clubs ; in the deporta- 
 tions to Cayenne. Whether it springs from the setd, 
 or grows from the plant ; is oviparous, or viviparous, 
 dtsfiotism is not of a day -, it is of gradual increase. 
 Will not the people give him credit that can point 
 out to men, luherc a germ of it exists. 
 
 In what is hinted at, in several pages of the pre- 
 ceding chapter, of hostility to laws and a disposition 
 to overthrow establishments, and judges, I have in 
 view, not the proceedings of a public body, but the 
 prejudices of the people. It is talk out of doors that 
 I respect. And this is the fountain which is to be 
 corrected. Representatives must yield to the preju- 
 dices of their constituents even contrary to their own 
 judgment. It is therefore into this pool that I cast 
 my salt. It is to correct these wafers that I write this 
 book. I have been in the legislature myself, and I 
 know how a member must yield to clamours at home. 
 For it comes within the spirit of the princple, to obey 
 in^Jructions, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 169 
 
 In the song which I have put into the month of O*- 
 I)ell, I have nothing else in view but to give a picture 
 of the excess of the spirit of reibrm. It is taken from 
 the life ; for though not in verse, yet I have heard 
 similar sentiments expressed by the uninformed. 
 
 The talk of abolishing the courts, and the judge?) 
 is a language wliich I put into the mouth of Tom the 
 Tinker; yet is more general than ib imagined. I 
 am afraid it may affect ultimately the democratic in- 
 terest ; to which I feel myself attached ; for I aver 
 myself to be a democrat. No Perkin VVarbtck, or 
 Lambert Simnel ; but a genuine Plantagenet. Hence 
 my concern for their honour and existence, which can 
 alone be supported by their wisdom, and the ir justice. 
 
 Judges are impeaclied, and violent persons will 
 have thern broke before they are tried. Dut accusa- 
 tion and condemnation are not the same thing. It is 
 not on every bill that is found by a grand jury that 
 there is not a defence. 
 
 , There is nothing to be collected from any hints of 
 mme that I arraign the justice or poHcy of the im- 
 peachment ; much less, that I wish to see it quashed^ 
 or williClrawn. Thave it only in \'w\v to arraign pre- 
 coticeived opinions, and the Jbresiaiiing the Jiubilc 
 .jid^7rnjt. 
 
 Sublime is that tribunal that is to judge judges. 
 The hii2,hest judicature of the body politic, it pre- 
 sents an awful, but majestic spectacle. Our senators, 
 in this capacity are tlie representatives of heaven. I 
 see them seated on a mount " fast by the throne of 
 pod ;" the stream of justice issuing ut their right 
 
 fjiilT U. VOL. I. P 
 
.t;. 
 
 170 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 hand ; full and equal in its current ; crystal in its 
 fountains, and giving vegetation to the groves and 
 gardens on its borders : The stream of injustice at 
 their left, bursting like a torrent of enflamed naptha, 
 scorching and consuming all before it. 
 
 It lies with this sublime court to give its lessons of 
 impartial justice to the subordinate judiciaries I re- 
 joice in this power ol the constitution. I shall sub^ 
 mit to its decisions. 
 
f 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY, IfX 
 
 CONCLUSION OF THIS VOLUME. 
 
 IT occurs to me, that I shall have all the law* 
 yers on my back ; because I have said to them, as 
 ■\ya3 s'did to the Pharisees, '* Use not vain rcptliiions 
 as the heathens do: for they think they shall be heard 
 for their much speakin-^." By the bye tlie heathen 
 "vviih us, that is, the savages of North America, ure 
 not long speakers. They call it a talk, it is tvm ; 
 but it is raised above a common conversation. And 
 they are not tedious speakers; short, clear and pithvj 
 are the characteristics of their eloquence. 
 
 The heathen^^-jiVit the Geniiic nations here meant, 
 that bordered on Judca ? or does it refer to the re- 
 dundance of the Greek and Roman eloquence ? The 
 logiiaciGiis Greek wa^ proverbial. When a lungnage 
 becomes copious, the spe^tkers become verbose. 
 
 But the lawyers vviH say, '^ how, can we help it ? 
 The client will have te'ik for his money. He pur- 
 chases his plantation by the acre ; be sells his wheat 
 by the bushel ; or if a shopkeeper in the cify, ho 
 measures tape by the yardV Omnia deus.dedit, says 
 the Latin scholar, Numero,' mensura, tt pondere. 
 He will have quantity, let what will go with the qua- 
 -'y. For oi that he is not a jud^e. 
 
:172 MODERN CHIVALRY.,,^ 
 
 I admit it is difficult to f»et a man to understand 
 that the cause is oftentimes won, with judy;ment and 
 silence, like the game of chess. All depends upon 
 the move. A client will say, you ought to refund 
 me something ; or take less than I promised. You 
 had no trouble. Or he will go away, and say, lawyer 
 M'GonnicIe took twenty dollars from me, and did 
 not say a word. 
 
 He was six hours on his feet, says a man coming 
 from the court. This sounds well and it looks as if 
 the man was a great lawyer. So that self-preserva- 
 tion is at the bottom of long speaking. Or is it in 
 accommodation to false opinion. 
 
 I admit something in all this. An advocate will 
 occasionally find himself under the necessity of saying 
 more than is necessary, in order to save appearances, 
 and to satisfy his client who is not like the court and 
 jury, weaiy of the harangue. But this is not the 
 great cause of prolixity. It has a deeper root ; it is a 
 ialse stile of eloquence that has been introduced, and 
 is become fashionable. I have asked chief justice 
 Shippcn, if he could recollect and trace, the origin 
 and progress of it. Is it imported, or of domestic 
 origin ? He thinks it was introduced by John Dickin- 
 son, who was an agreeable, but a lengthy speaker. 
 At nisi prius ; or at bar in England, there was no 
 such thing But whether there is or not ; is of no 
 account. The thing ought not to be. Because it 
 will lead to the loss of they wry trial. 
 
 A lawyer must say every thing that his ingenuity 
 can suggest on the subject. The strongest reasons 
 are not sufficient ; he must bring up the weaker. Af- 
 ter throwing bombs, he must cast jackstones. 
 
 There is more sense in the common mind than is 
 imagined ; and close thought in strong words will be. 
 understood, and a fcv/ will suffice. 
 
IRtODEJiN CHlVALftV. 17?. 
 
 The iJPBffisis state is said to excel in le^al know- 
 ledge ; but certciinly is behind none in libtriaiiiy of 
 practice ; and delicacy in ar-^ument. In p tictice. no 
 catches, or as the common people call ic, sn.tp jud;^--' 
 ments ; lyin^ in wait at the dot ket ; makint^ surrep- 
 titious entries, and giving trouble to get shps set ri^ht. 
 This the meanest lawyer can do. A rat can {^naw 
 the bowstring of Philoctetea. The drawback in the 
 opinion of foreigners, and the feelings of the people 
 here, is the length of speeches. 
 
 I will not say that hence arises wholly the preju- 
 dice against lawyer's. A prejudice against the liberal 
 professions, exists in all countries ; or they are made 
 the subjects of invective from the occasional abuse of 
 their privileges. " Wae unto you lawyers," is a scrip- 
 ture expression, and applies to the priests among the 
 Jews wlio were the interpreters of tiie law of Moses. 
 The physicians of all countries are said to kill people. 
 And as to advocates they get no quarter in any coun- 
 try. Wits will exclaim even without ill will. Don 
 Quevedo, a Spanish writer, in his vision of bell, tells 
 us, that he observed a couple of men lying on their 
 backs asleep in a corner, with the cobwebs grown 
 across their mouths. He was told these were porters, 
 and had been employed in carrying in lawyers, but 
 there had been no occasion tor their services, for a 
 century past, these cattle had come so fast of them- 
 selves, that the carriers had laid themselves up, iii 
 the interval of business, to lake a nap there. 
 
 As to the length of spe-iking, how can it be helped 
 in advocates ? Not by any act of the legislature, con- 
 stitutionally, at least in ciiminal cases ; for it is pro- 
 vided by the constitution that in crindnal cases, the 
 party shall be heard by himself and his counsel. But 
 this provision was not meant to exclude the right in 
 civil cases, which existed at the common lav/ ^ bu*- 
 
1 74 MODERN CHIT ALR¥. 
 
 because in capital cases, in the coui^^^WN^nminal 
 jurisdiction in England, counsel was not dloned to 
 the accused, except on law points, aiisiui^ on ilie 
 trial. In civil cases the legislature may change the 
 law or modify it ; but I am not able to say, what re- 
 gulation by an act of the legislature, might be expe- 
 dient ; or what practicable by the courts themselves. 
 The safest and most easy remedy would be in the bar 
 themselves; culiivating a stile of eloquence of greater 
 brevity, and endeavouring to be more laconic in their 
 speeches. 
 
 They are not aware that this length of speaking 
 has become unsurterable. That resentment against 
 the bar on that account, has been accumuli.ting, and 
 is now ready to overwhelm their existence. It is a 
 great cause of that obloquy against the proceedings 
 ©f the courts of justice, wliich is heard in this state. 
 Delay is the effect j and delay is an obstruction of 
 justice. 
 
 But delay is the cause of loss to the lawyer. It is 
 a vulgar idea, but founded in mistake, that lawyera 
 delay causes for the sake of fees. It is their interest 
 to have speedy trials, as much as with merchants to 
 have quick returns. It i i the interest of the advocates 
 that I endeavour to promote, in suga^tsting a reform 
 in tlie length of pleadings. I am endeavouring, in 
 the scouted language of some reasoners, " to save the 
 lawyers from themselves." It is on tliis principle 
 that i attempt to school them a little on the point of 
 oratory at the bar. 
 
 Some one will say, that I but affect to treat them 
 thus cavalierly. Thai it is like the case of an Indian 
 in a skirmish, of which I have heard, on the west of 
 the Oliio, who on his party being defeated, pursued 
 one of Ids own people, wiih his tomhawk lifted up;- 
 ready to strike, and was mistviken for a voiuntetr. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. .7. 
 
 In the \)0l^%t affair seeing him alert, and pursu- 
 ing, they thought the one before him was in good 
 hands, and they let them both escape. 
 
 To apply tlic story. It may be thought that I af- 
 fect to school the profession, to save it from arbitra- 
 tion laws, in the spirit of what has been called the 
 adjustment bilL I am not one of those with wiiom it 
 has been clear, that the adjustment bill passed into a 
 law, would do any injury to lawyers. It might win- 
 now off some of the chaff, but better corn would come 
 to the mill. I have no idea that any thing can hurt 
 the profession, but the overthrow of liberty. Council 
 to advise, and an advocate to speak, will be always 
 wanted where the laws govern and not men. Rules of 
 property and contpact in civil cases, and the princi- 
 ples of law in matters of life, liberty, and reputation, 
 will always call for the assistance of the head, and 
 the powers of speech, in a republic. 
 
 My concern in the case of innovations, doubtless? 
 meant for improvements, has been that the experi- 
 ment Avould not shew wisdom in the framers; but, on 
 the contrary, discredit the administration by which 
 they had been introduced ; or, if tolerated, and ap- 
 proved, would lead to aristocracy, and despotism in 
 the end. This by gradations insensible, as opiutes 
 imnerve the constitution. It would take a volume to 
 trace gradatim, how, and why this would be brought 
 about ; and after all it may be a spectre of the imagi- 
 nation. Let the wise determine. Were I a practising 
 lawyer, as probably I may soon be, I should appre- 
 hend little from it on the score of profit, and loss to 
 the profession. My idea is, that eighteen months 
 would put an end to it, and it would, by that time, 
 have sowed a pretty fruitful field of controversy, that 
 would last as many years. As to the comtifntion^ ii 
 
176 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 seems to be in vain to talk to the people aboutit, iv/ie^ 
 it u 171 the vay of what they wish, and must have. 
 
 But hinting as has been done with regard to the 
 exuberance oi oratory at the bar, it is to be taken sub- 
 ject to the exception of cases wiiich cannot be consi* 
 dercd in a few words ; either where the facts are 
 complicated, and the evidence extensive ; or where a 
 point of law embraces r.n extensive scope of argument. 
 The elucidation in some cases, must be drawn from 
 the law of nature ; the law of nations; the municipal 
 law. Statutes, commentaries, and decisions must be 
 examined at full length. 
 
 It is not half a day, or a day, that will suffice al- 
 ways, to do justice to a question. The court them- 
 selves will stand in need of the careful preparation, 
 and the minute investigation of the counsel. The 
 bringing forward lucidly, and arguing a matter well, 
 is a great help to a court. It is doing for them, what 
 they w^ould have to do for themselves, without their 
 assistance* — The labour of the counsel is the ease of 
 the court. M<my a midnight tiiought is expenckd by 
 the laborious lawyer, of which the coiyt feels the be- 
 nefit, in the light which he throws upon the subjea 
 of the litigation. It is the 
 
 Rudis indigestaque moles, 
 
 of the unprepared that wastes the most time. 
 
 It is the highest effort of a strong mind to con- 
 dense. Having taken a comprehensive view of the 
 whole horizon of the subject, the num of talents col- 
 lects the principles that govern and illustrate the case. 
 To state an^ press these, is the effort of the great 
 orator. T^irMuce to generals, and bring forward 
 the result. 
 
 But in order to speak short upon any subject » 
 think long. Much reflection is the secret of all that is 
 excellent in oratory. No man that speaks just enough^ 
 
,, MODERN ClftVALRY. itt 
 
 and no more, ever wearies those that hear him. And 
 that is enough which exhausts the subject, before the 
 patience of the auditory. 
 
 There is such a thing as alarming the patience. A 
 speaker branches out his subject. It is all proper that 
 this should be done in his own mind. It is necessary 
 that he should have a system of argument, and a cer- 
 tain order of arrangement. But I do not approve of an 
 explanation of this. I remember the alarm which I 
 liuve felt listening to a speaker in the pulpit, when 
 he has spread out the table of his doctrine into heads 
 and sections. When he had done with the first, that 
 is well, thought I. But then, there is the second 
 head ; will he be as long upon that ? Now if he had 
 said, This point of doctrine arises from the text, I 
 would have heard it out without fore-casting in my 
 mind that the ulterior divisions were to come yet. It 
 is not in the language of nature to have such compart- 
 ments. It is well enough in a book of didactic disser- 
 tation. For there is one can lay down the volume, 
 and amuse himself otherwise when he is weary. The 
 Indian in his talk has an order in his mind, and pur- 
 sues it by the wampum belt, as the Catholic says his 
 prayer by his beads. It is not the secret ol persua- 
 sion, which does not steal upon the heart ; and what- 
 ever the effect in matters of the judgment, may be the 
 annunciation of method ; it is unfavourable fo all that 
 interests the heart, and governs the imagination. You 
 will see no such thing in Demosthenes or Ciirnm. 
 Cicf-ro has something of it, but 1 always thought it a 
 blenush. Ars est celare artem. 
 
 There is no such thing in the works of nature. 
 Artificial f4;aidens sometimes present that view, but 
 these are not in the best taste. 
 
 The hills and mountains, vales, and extensive plains 
 are dispersed witli a beautiful variety. The st«rfa of 
 
17% MODERN CHIVALRY. .,^ 
 
 the heavens are not at marked distances. There ra a 
 concealed regularity, order and proportion in all that 
 affects. The mind remains cold where there is 
 nothing that surprises and comes unexpectedly 
 upon it. 
 
 i 
 
 BdD eV THE FIKST VOlVUk. 
 
 / 
 
 
i