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 DUKE UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 \ 1 
 
 The Glenn Negley Collection 
 of Utopian Literature 
 
 1^ 
 
1 
 
f 
 
THE 
 
 MICELLANEOUS 
 
 WORKS 
 
 O F 
 
 Dr. GOLDSMITH. 
 
 CONTAINING ALL Hi: 
 
 ESSAYS and POEMS, 
 
 .i,v;y|J:^.f^^^^^^-^.4€: 
 
 
 <^l«^siy^< 
 
 PRiNTEB AT BROOKFIELD, Massachusetts, , 
 
 BY 1. THOMAS and E. H. WALDO. 
 
 I For Th5MAS and Andrews, 'm Boston. Sold by ihcro, and bff 
 
 did Thomas, in WoRc*£Txa« 
 
 ^ 
 
[^%^«i;^%iii' 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 THE following Effays have already appeared at AifFcrent timc3,andiJi 
 different publications. The p-^Tiphlets in >vhich they were infert- 
 
 ed beinj; eenerally unfucccfsful, thefe /liared the common tate, without 
 affirtinetbeboAfeiier's aims, or extending the_ writer s reputation. I he 
 Dublick. was too ftrenuouny employed with their own follies, to be amd- 
 ious in eftimating mine; f.> that many of my beft atte.r.pts .n th^ 
 vray, have fallen vidims to the tranfient topicks of the times, the Oholt 
 
 Jn Cocklane.orthefiegeofTyconderoga. 
 
 ' But though they have palled pretty filently in the world, 1 can by no 
 means complain of thsir circulation. The magazines and papers of t.ie 
 day have, indeed, been liberal enough in this refpett. Moft ot tticie 
 Effays have been regularly reprinted two or three times a year, and con- 
 veyed to the publick through the channel of fome engagin- compilation. 
 If there be a pride in multiplied editions, 1 have feen fome of my la- 
 bours fixteen times reprinted, and claimed by different parents as their 
 own. 1 have feen them flouriflied at the beginning with praife, anj 
 figned at the end with the names of Philantos, Philalethes, Ph:laleu- 
 eheros and Philanthropos. The gentlemen have kindly (lood fponfors to 
 my productions, and to flatter me more, have always paflsd them aa 
 
 iheirown. , , .l r 
 
 It is time, however, aMaft, to vindicate my claims ; and as thele en- 
 tertainers of the publick, as they call themfclves, have partly lived up- 
 ' 4)n me for fome years, let me n >w try if I cannot live a little upon my- 
 t felf, I would defire, in this cafe, to imitate that fat maa whom 1 have 
 ^ lomewhere heard of in a rtiipwreck, who, when the failors, preft by fam- 
 ' jnc, were taking dices from his pofleriors to fatisty their huager, infift- 
 «d with great juftice on having the firft cut for hi.nfelf. 
 
 Yet, after all, I cannot be angry with any who take it into their 
 heads to think that whatever I write is worth reprinting, particiilarly 
 when 1 confiderhow great a majority will think it fcarce worth readine. 
 Trifling and fuperficial, as terms of reproach that are cafiy objsiJed, 
 and that carry an airol penetration in the obfeiver. Thefe taults have 
 been objected to the following ElTays 5 and it maft be owned, in fume 
 meafure, that the charge is true. However, 1 could have made them 
 more metaphyfical, had I thought fit; but I would afk, whether, in* 
 /horteflay,itis not neceflury to be fupeificial ? Before we have ; rcpai- 
 cd to enter into the depths of a fubje(St, in the ufual forms, we have got 
 to the bottom of our fcanty page, and thus i&fc thchonouis of avitlory 
 by too tedious a preparation for the combat. 
 ■ Ther«* is another fault in this coleaion of trifles, which 1 fear will 
 rot be fo eafily pardoned. It will bealledged, that the humour of them 
 (if any be found) is dale and hackneyed. This may be true enough, a» 
 matters now ftand j but I may with great truth alTort, that the humour 
 was new whei 1 wrote it. Snce that time, indeed, many of the top- 
 .jcks which were fi.ft darted here, have been hunted down, and many 
 of the thoughts blown upon. In fa<Si-, thefe EiHys were confidered as 
 qiietly laid in the grave'of oblivion i and our modern compilers, like 
 ftfictons and cxecutioneis, think it their undoubted right to pillage thf 
 <iead. 
 
 H )wever, whatever right I have to complain of the publ'cK, they can, 
 £s ve\ have no i aft tcafon to conix^laia of nic. if i have Wiit;eo Oull Ei. 
 
 275339 
 
r R E F A C E. 
 
 t»y«, fhey have hitherto treated them as dull ILirays. Thus far we ar* 
 at l.art ap>n .par ; and uniiJ they thmk h to m.ke me their humble 
 Croor by pra.fe, I amre'o'veo not to Ic/e afingle Ir^ch for my fe,f im- 
 portiince. Inllead, therefore, o' attemping tocft.bli/h credit amonptt 
 Ihcr,, .t w.U ptrnap, be wifer c. apply to fome morediftant correfoon- 
 •!ent i and a ji. dra<ts are in fome danger of being proterted at home, 
 Jt may not be .mnrudent, upon this occf.un, to draw my bills upon pof* 
 iVr'V u ; ^ o^*V'ty-Sir, nine hundred and ninety nine years after 
 ^^fighthereor pay the Dearer, or order, a thoufand pounds worth of 
 prait- tree /rom all deduaions wharfoever, it being a commodity 
 *' if, &c/ • '"^ fciviceablc to kim, and place it to tkc accoeijt 
 
 &SSAYS, 
 

 
 ESSAYS, 
 
 ^ 
 
 E S S A Y L 
 
 THERE is nor, perhaps, a more vvhimfical 
 figure in nature, than a man of real mod- 
 efty who afTumes an air of impudence ; who, 
 while his heart beats with anxiety, (ludies ^i^^y 
 and effeds good humour. In this fituation, 
 however, every unexperienced writer finds him- 
 felf. ImpreiTed with the terrors of the tribunal 
 before which he is going to appear, his natural 
 humour is turned to pertnefs, and for real wit he 
 is obliged to fubftitute vivacity. 
 
 For my part, as I was never diftinguiflied 
 for addrefs, and have often even blundered in 
 making my bow, I am at a lols whether to be 
 merry or fad on this folcmn occaHon. Should 
 I modeftly decline all merit, it is toopropabJe 
 the hafby reader may take me at my word. If 
 on the other hand, like labourers in the Maga- 
 zine trade, I humbly prefume to p^iife an 
 epitome of all the good things that v/ere ever 
 faid or written, thofe readers I mod dcfi re to 
 picafe may forfake me. 
 
 My 
 A 2 
 
 5! 7 r; 'i '^ 
 
6 ESSAYS. 
 
 My bookfeller, in this dilemma, perceiving 
 my cmbarrafifmenr, iRftantly ofFcrred his afTift- 
 ance and advice : '^ You muft know, Sirj" fays 
 he, *' that the republick of letters is at prefent 
 ** divided into feveral clafTes : One writer excels 
 ** at a plan, or a title page ; another works 
 *^ away the body of the book; and a third is a 
 *' dab at an index. Thus, a Ma-:Tazine is not 
 *^ the refult of any fingle man's induilry j but 
 *^ goes through as many hands as a pin, 
 *' before it is fie for the publick. I fancy, Sir," 
 continues he, *' I can provide an eminent 
 *' hand, and upon moderate terms, to draw up 
 *^ a promifing plan to fmooth up our readers a 
 '^ little, and pay them, as Colonel Charteries 
 *^ paid his fcraglio, at the rate of three half 
 *^ pence in hand, and three fhiliings more in 
 *^promifes." 
 
 He was proceeding in his advice, which, 
 however, I thought proper to decline, by allur- 
 ing him, that as 1 intended to purfue no fixed 
 riiethod, fo it was impofiible to form any regu- 
 lar plan : Determined never to be tedious in or- 
 der to be logical, wherever pleafure prefented, I 
 was refolved to follow. 
 
 It will be improper, therefore, to pall the 
 ri'ader's curiofiry, by lelTening his furpnfe j or 
 r-nticipa^e any p:)leafure I am able to procure 
 him, by faving what fhaU come next. Happy, 
 couid af:y eTort of mine but fupprefs one crimi- 
 r,il pleiriir?, or but for a mom.ent fill up an 
 M ^''':'vn^ cf -^r'V^tv j how gladly would I lead 
 
 manlvini 
 
ESSAYS. 7 
 
 mankind from the vain pror[ie6t of life, to 
 profpeds of innocence and eafe, where every 
 breeze breathes health, and ever) found is biic 
 the echo of tranquillity ! 
 
 But, whatever may be the merit of his in- 
 tentions, every writer is now convinced that 
 he mud be chieBy indebted to good fonune 
 for finding readers willing to allow him any 
 degree of reputation. It has been remarked, 
 that almoft every charader which has exclitd 
 either attention or pity, has owed part of its 
 fuccefs to merit, and part to a happy concnr- 
 jence of circumRances in its favour. Had 
 C?efar or Cromwell exchanged countries, the 
 one might have been a ferjeant, and the other 
 an excife man. So it is with wir, which gene- 
 rally fuccceds more from being happily addref- 
 {(td, than from its native poignancy. A jeft 
 cak^ulated to fpread at a gaming table, may be 
 received wirh perfed indifference, fliould ic 
 happen to drop in a mackarel boat. We have 
 all (ccn dunces triumph in fome companies, 
 where men of real humour were difregarded, by 
 a general combination in favour of ftupidity. 
 To drive the obfervation as, far as it will go, 
 fhould the labours of a writer, who defigns his 
 performances for readers of more refined appe- 
 tite, fal' into the hands of adevourer of com.pi- 
 -lations, What can he expedt but contempt and 
 confufion ? If his merits are to be determined 
 by judges vv'ho eflimate the value ofa book from 
 its bulk, or its fronrilpiece, every rival rniifl ac- 
 cuire an €a{y fuperiority, who with perfuafiv^ 
 
 (■■•^■r, •-- -re 
 
t E S S A Y JS. 
 
 eloquence promifes four pages extraordinary of 
 let:ei prcfs, or two beautiful prints curioufiy 
 coloured from nature. 
 
 Thus, then, though I cannot promifc as much 
 entertainment or as much elegance as others 
 have done, yet the reader may be affured he fliall 
 have as much of both as I can. He (hall, ac 
 leaQ, find me alive v/hile I ftudy his entertain- 
 ment ; for I fokmnly aflure him, 1 was never yec 
 pofTc-fied of the fecret of writing and fleeping. 
 
 During the courfe of this paper, therefoie, all 
 the wit and learning I have are heartily at his 
 fervice ; which if, aft^r fo candid confeflion, he 
 fliould, notwithilanding, ftili find intolerably 
 dull, or low, or fad fluff, this I procefl is m.ore 
 than 1 know. I have a clear confcience, and 
 am entirely out of the fecret. 
 
 Yet I would not have him, upon the perufal 
 of a fingk paper, pronounce me incorrigible: 
 he may try a fecond, which, as there is a fiudied 
 difference in fubjedt and ftyle, may be more fuir- 
 ed.to his tade. If this alfo fails, I muft refer 
 Iiimto a third, or even a fourth, in cafe of extrem- 
 ity. If he fhould ftill continue refradory, and 
 find mje dull to the laft, I mud inform him, wirh 
 Bays in the Rehearfal, that I think him a vtry 
 odd kind of a fellov/, and defire no more of his 
 acquaintance. But dill if my readers, impurethc 
 general tenor of my fubjedl to m^e as a fault, I 
 mud beg leave to tell him a dory. 
 
 A traveller, in his way to Iraly, found him- 
 f^'-if in a country where the inhabitants had each 
 .SNlarge excrefccnce depending from the chin : ii 
 
 dcforn:iity 
 
ESSAYS. ^ 
 
 deformity v/hich, as itwas epidemick, and the peo- 
 ple little ufed to Grangers, it had been the cuf- 
 torn, time immemorial, to look upon them as 
 the greateft beauty. Ladies grew toafts from 
 the fizc of their chins; and no men were beaux 
 whofe faces were not broadeft at the bottom. It 
 v/as Sunday j a country church was at hand ; 
 and our traveller was willing to perform th« 
 duties of the day. Upon his firfl appearance 
 at the church door, the eyes of all were natural- 
 ly fixed upon the (Iranger : But what was iheir 
 amazement, when they found that he adlually 
 wanted that emblem of beauty, a purfed chin I 
 Stifled burils of laughter, winks and whifpers, 
 circulated from vifagc to vifage : The prifmatick * 
 figure of the ftranger's face was a fund of in- 
 finite gaity. Our traveller could no longer 
 patiently continue an objedl of deformity to 
 point at. '' Good folks," faid he, " I perceive 
 *^ that I am a very ridiculous figure herc^ but 
 *^ I afTure you, I am reckonf i no wa;- deformed 
 
 ^^aCHOMfi," 
 
 ESSAY 
 
io ESSAYS. 
 
 ESSAY II. 
 
 THE STORY OF ALCANDER anh 
 SEPTIMIUS. 
 
 TAKEN FROM A BYZANTINE HISTORIAN. 
 
 ATHENS, long afrer the decline of the 
 Roman empire, (lill continued the feac 
 of learning, policenefs and vvifdom, Theodoric, 
 the Oitrogoth, repaired the fchools which bar- 
 barity was fufFering to fall into decay, and con- 
 tinued thofe penfions to men of learning, which 
 
 ' avaricious governors had monopolized. 
 
 In this city, and about this period, Alcan- 
 tier and Septimius were fellow fluden-ts together. 
 The one the moft fubtle reafoner of all the 
 L,yceum ; the other, the mofl: eloquent fpeaker 
 
 -4n the acadcmick grove. Mutual admiration 
 f{jon begot a friend bip. Their fortunes were 
 nearly equal, and they were natives of the two 
 moft celebrated cities in the world ; for Alcan- 
 der was of Athens, Septimius came from Rome. 
 In this ftate of harmony they lived for feme 
 time together, when Alcander, after pafTingthe 
 firft part of youth in the indolence of phiiofo-. 
 phy, thought at length of entering into the bufy 
 Avorld ; and, as a fiep previous to this, placed 
 Lis afFcr<5tions on Hypatia, a lady of exquifitc 
 beauty. The day of their intended nuptials 
 was fixed ; the previous ceremonies were per- 
 formed j and nothing now remained but her bc- 
 
 inn 
 
ESSAYS. If 
 
 ing condudled in triumph to the apartment of 
 the intended bridegroom. 
 
 Alcander's exultation in his own happinefs^ 
 or being unable to enjoy any fatisfadlion with- 
 out making his friend St:'ptimius a partner, pre- 
 vailed upon him to introduce Hypatia to his 
 fellow ftudent ; which he did with all the gaiety 
 of a man who found himfelf equally happy in 
 friendfhip and love. But this was an interview 
 fatal to the future peace of both -, for Septimius 
 no fooner faw her, but he was fmitten with an 
 involuntary pafTion ; and though he ufed every 
 effort to fupprefs defires at once fo imprudent 
 and unjufl:, the emotions of his mind in afhorc 
 time became fo ftrong, that they brought on a 
 fever, which the phyficians judged incurable. 
 
 During this iilnefs, Aicander watched him 
 with all the anxiety of fondnefs, and brought 
 his miflrefs to join in thofe amiable offices of 
 friendfhip. The fagacity of the phyficians, by 
 thefe means, foon difcovered, that the caiife of 
 their patient's diforder was love ; and Aican- 
 der being apprifed of their difcovery, at length 
 extorted a confeffion from the reludant dying 
 lover. 
 
 It would but delay the narrative to defcribe 
 the confiid between love and friendfliip in the 
 breaft of Aicander on this occafion : It is enough 
 to fay, that the Athenians were at that time ar- 
 rived at fuch refinement in morals, that every 
 virtue was carried to excefs. In fliori, forget- 
 ful of his own felicity, he gave up his intended 
 bride, in all her charms, to the young Roman. 
 ^ They 
 
12 ESSAY S. 
 
 They were married privately by his connivance ; 
 and this unlocked for change of fortune wroughc 
 as unexpecled a change in the conftiiution of the 
 now happy beprimius. In a few days he was 
 perfedlly recovered, and fet out with his fair 
 partner for Rome. Here by an exertion of 
 th He talents which I^ was f ) emiinently poflefled. 
 of, Sept'mius, in a few years, arrived at the 
 highed degnities of the ftate, and was conftitut- 
 ed the dty judge, or prserer. 
 
 In the mean time, Alcander not only felt the 
 pain of bfin.i; feparaied from his friend and his 
 midrefs, but a profecution was alfo commenced 
 .'i^zainfl him by the relations of Hypatia, for hav- 
 ing bafely given up his bride, as was fuggefted, 
 for money. His innocence of the crime laid 
 to his charge, and even his eloquence in his 
 own defence, were not able to wirhftand the in- 
 fluence of a powerful party. He was call and 
 condemned to pay an enormous fine. How- 
 ever, being unable to raife fo large a fum at the 
 time af.^pointed, his poffelTlons were confifcated, 
 he himfelf was dripped of the habit of freedom, 
 expofed as a Have in the m.arket place, and fold 
 to the highed bidder. * 
 
 A merchant of Thrace being his purchaf- 
 er, A'cander, with fome other companions of 
 didrefs, v^as carried into the region of defola- 
 tion and derility. His dated employment was, 
 to follow the herds of an imperious mader ; 
 and his^fuccefs in hunting was all that was al- 
 lowed him to fupply his precarious fubfidence. 
 Everv morning waked him to a renewal of famine 
 
 or 
 
ESSAYS. rj 
 
 ur toll, and every change of feafon ferved butt o 
 aggravate his unfhelcered diftrefs. After Ton le 
 years of bondage, however, an oppormnity of 
 efcaping offered ; he embraced it with ardor^ fi* 
 that, travelhng bv night, and lodging in cav- 
 erns by day, to fliorten a long flory, he had at 
 Jaft: arrived at Ronrie. The iame day on which 
 Alcander arrived, Scptimius fat adminifteri ng 
 juftice in the forum, whether our wanderer 
 came expedling to be inflantly known and 
 publickiy acknowledged by his former friend. 
 Here he flood the whole day amongft the crowd, 
 watching the eyes of the judge, and cxpeding to 
 be taken notice of; but he was fo much aher- 
 ed by a long fucceQion of hardfhips, that he 
 continued unnoticed among the reft -, and, in 
 the evening, when he was going up to the prs- 
 •tor's chair, he was brutally repulfrd by the at- 
 tending lidors. The attention of the poor is 
 generally driven from one ungrateful objed: to 
 another J for night coming on, he now found 
 himfelf under a necefTicy of feeking a place to 
 lie in, and yen new not whereto apply. All 
 emaciated, and in rags as lie was, n9ne of the 
 citizens would harbour fo much wretchednefs - 
 and Heeping in the ftreets might be ^attended 
 with interruption or danger: In fhor(»e was 
 obliged to take up his lodgings in on^of the 
 tombs without the city, the ufual retreat of 
 guilt, poverty and defpair. In this marifjon of 
 horror, laying his head upon an inverted urn 
 he forgot his miferies for a while in ficepi and 
 (bund on his flinty couch, more cafe than beds 
 cf down can fupply to the guiliy. ^^^ 
 
 B 
 
14 ESSAY S. 
 
 As he continued here, about midnighf, 
 two robbers came to make this their retreat ; 
 bur, happening to difagree about the devifion 
 of their plunder, one of them dabbed tjic 
 other to the heart, and left him welrering in 
 blood, at the entrance. In thefe circumdan- 
 ces, he was found next morning dead at the 
 mouth of the vault. This naturally induc- 
 ing a further inquiry ; an alarm was fpread 3 
 the cave was examined ; and Alcander was ap- 
 prehended, and accufed of robbery and 
 murder. The circumllances againfl: him were 
 llrong, and the wretchednefs of his appear- 
 ance confirmed fufpicion. Misfortune and 
 \ he were now fo long acquainted, that he at: 
 laft became regardlefs of life. He detefted a 
 world where he had found only ingratitude, 
 falfehcod and cruelty ; he was determined 
 to make no defence 5 and thus lowering with 
 refolution he was dragged bound with cords, 
 before the tribunal of Septimius. As the 
 proofs were pofitive againfl him, and he of- 
 fered nothing in his own vindication, the 
 judee was proceeding to doom him to a mod 
 cruel and ignonninious death, when the at- 
 tention pf the multitude was foon diverted br 
 nnother^objecl. The Robber who had been 
 really p-uilty, was apprehended felling his 
 plunder, and, flruck with a panick, had con- 
 feiTed his crime. Fie was brought bound to 
 the fame tribunal, and acquitted every other 
 perfon of any partnerfliip in his guilt. Ai- 
 cander's innocence therefore appeared ; but 
 
 the 
 
ESSAYS. 15 
 
 (he fallen raflinefs of his condudl remained a 
 wonder to the lurrounding multitude : But 
 their allonifhment was ftill further increafed, 
 wben they favv their judge ftart from his tri^ 
 bunal, to embrace the fuppofed criminal. 
 Sepcimius recollected his friend and former 
 benefadlor, and hung upon his neck with tears 
 of pity and of joy. Need the fequel be re- 
 lated ? Alcander was acquitted ; fhared the 
 friendfliip and honours of the principal citi- 
 zens of Rome ; lived afterwards in happi- 
 nefs and eafe ; and left it to be engraved on his 
 lombj that no circumftances are fo defoeratc 
 which Providence may not relieve. 
 
 ESSAY III. 
 
 WHEN I refiedb on the unambitious re- 
 tirement in which I pafTed the ear- 
 lier part of my life in the country, I can- 
 not avoid feeling fome pain in thinking that 
 thofe happy days are never to return. In 
 that retreat all nature feemed capable of af- 
 fording pleafure. I then made no refinements 
 on happinefs, but could be pleafed with the 
 mod awkward efforts of ruftick mirth ; thought 
 crofs purpofes the higheft flretch of human 
 wit, and queftions and commands the moft 
 rational way of fpending the evening. Hap- 
 py, could fo charming an allufion ilill con- 
 tinue ! I find that age and knowledge only 
 
 contribute 
 
J6 ESSAYS 
 
 kJ» 
 
 contribute to four our dlfpontions. M/ prcl*- 
 cnt enjoymcnrs may be more refined, but 
 they are infinitely lefs pleafing. The pleaf- 
 lire the beft a6lor gives, can no way com- 
 pare to that I have received from a country 
 watr, who imitated a quaker's fermon. The 
 mufick of the finger of the fined difTunance, to 
 >vhat I felt when our old dairy maid fung mc 
 into tears with Johnny Armftrong*s Laft 
 Good night, or the cruelty of Barbara Allen. 
 
 Writers of every age have endeavoured to 
 fnow, that pleafure is in us, and not in the 
 objects offered for our amufement. If the 
 f foul be happily difpofed, every thing becomes 
 capable of affording entertainment, and dif- 
 trefs will almoft want a name. Every oc- 
 currence pafTes in review like the figuies in 
 a procelTion ; fome may be awkward, others ill 
 dreffcd j but none but a fool is for this enraged 
 with the mafter of the ceremonies. 
 
 I remember to have once feen a Have in a for- 
 tification in Flanders, who appeared no way 
 touched with his fitiiation. He was maimed, 
 deformifd and chained ; obilged to toil from 
 the appearance of day till night fall, and con- 
 demned to this for life : Yet with all thefe cir- 
 cum'tances of apparent wretchednefs, he fung, 
 would have danced, but that he wanted a leg, 
 and appeared the merrieft happieft man of all 
 the o:arrifon. What a prav5lical philofopher was 
 here ! an happy conftitution fupplied philofo- 
 phv ; and thou2;h feemingly deliitute of wif- 
 dom, he was really wife. No reading or ftudy 
 
 had 
 
ESSAYS. 17 
 
 had cofitributed to difcnchant the fairy land 
 around him. Every thing furniflied him with 
 an opportunity of mirth ; and though fomc 
 thought him, from his infenfibility, a fool, he 
 was fuch an idiot as philofophers Ihould wilh 
 to imitate; for all philofophy isonly forcing the 
 trade of happinefs, when nature feems to deny 
 the means. 
 
 They who, like our fiave, can place them- 
 felves on that fide of the world in which every 
 thing appears in a pleafmg light, will find fome- 
 thing in every occurrence to excite their good 
 humour. The moil calamitous events, either 
 to themfelves or others, can bring no other af- , 
 flidion ; the whole world is to them a theatre, 1 
 on which comedies only are aded. All the 
 buftie of heroifm, or the rants of ambition 
 ferve only to heighten the abfurdity of rKe fcene, 
 and make the humour more poignant. They 
 feel, in fhort, as little anguifh at their own dif- 
 trefs or the complaints of others, as the under- 
 taker, though drelled in black, feels forrow ac 
 a funeral. 
 
 Of all the men I ever read of, the famous 
 Cardinal de Retz pofleffed this happinefs of 
 temper in the highell degree. As he was a 
 man of gallantry, and defpifed all that wore 
 the pcdantick appearance of philofophy, where, 
 ever pleafure was to be fold, he was L'enerally 
 foremoR to raife the audlion. Being an univer^* 
 fal admirer of the fair fex, when he found one 
 lady cruel, he generally k\\ in love ^^^ih an- 
 other, from whom he expedled a more favoura^ 
 
 D 2 b!e 
 
I 
 
 iS ESSAYS. 
 
 ble reception. If fhe too reje6led his addref- 
 fes, he never thought of retiring into defertSj 
 or pining in hopelefs diftrefs. He purluaded 
 himfelf, that, inftead of loving the lady, he 
 only fancied that he had loved her ; and fo all 
 was v/eli again. When fortune wore her an- 
 grieft look, and he at lad fell into the power 
 of his mod deadly enemy, Cardinal Mazarine, 
 (being confined a clofe prifoner in the caftle 
 of Valenciennes) he never attempted to fup- 
 port his diftrefs by vvifdom or philofophy, for 
 he pretended to neither : He only laughed at 
 himfelf and his perfecutor, and Teemed infinitely 
 pleafed at his new fituation. In th.is man- 
 fion of diftrefs, thouQ[h fecluded from his 
 friends, though denied all the amufements, 
 and even the conveniences of life, he ftill re- 
 tained his good humour j laughed at all the 
 little fpice of his enemies ; and carried the jeft 
 fo far as to be revenged by writing the life of his 
 gaoler. 
 
 All that the wifdom of the proud can teach, 
 js, to be ftubborn or fullen under misfortunes. 
 The Cardinal's example will inftruvfl us to be 
 merry in circumftances of the higheft afflidlion. 
 It matters not whether our good humour be 
 conftrued by others into infenfibility, or even 
 idiotifmj it is happinefs to ourfelves ; and none 
 but a fool would meafure his fatisfaction by 
 what the world thinks of it. For mv own parr, 
 I never pafs by one of our prifons for debt, that 
 I do not envy that felicity which is ilill going 
 forward among thofe people who forget the 
 
 cares 
 
ESSAYS. 19 
 
 cares of the worlds by being fhut out from its 
 ainbition. 
 
 The happiefl: filly fellow I ever knew, was 
 of the number of thofe good narured creatures 
 that are faid to do no harm to any but them- 
 feives. Whenever he fell into any mifery, he 
 ufually called it feeing life. If his head was 
 broke by a chairman, or his pocket picked by a 
 fharper, he comforted himfeifby imitating the 
 Hybernian diaie(rt of the one, or the more fafh- 
 ionable cant of the other. Nothing came amifs 
 to him. His inattention to money matters had 
 incenfed his father to fuch a degree, that all the 
 intercefiion of friends in his favour was fruitlefs. 
 The old gentleman was on his death bed. The 
 whole family, and Dick among the number, 
 
 gathered around him, " I leave my fecond 
 
 fon, Andrew," faid the expiring mifer, ** my 
 whole eftate, and defire him to be frugal/* 
 Andrew, in a forrowful tone, as is ufual on thefe 
 occafions, prayed Heaven to prolong his life, and 
 health to enjoy it himfelf. *' I recomm.end Si- 
 ^' mon, my third fon, to the care of his elded 
 ** brother, and leave him, befides, four ihoufand 
 '•pounds.'' *' Ah ! father, cried Simon, (in 
 great affliction to be furt) '*may Heaven give 
 ** you life and health to enjoy it yourfelf/* At 
 lafl, turning to poor Dick, ** As for you, you 
 *• have always been a fad dog ; you'll nevcrcome 
 *' to good ; you'll never be rich : TJl leave you 
 '' a fliiliing to buy a halter." "' Ah ! father," 
 cries Dick, without any emotion, *' m.ay Heaven 
 *^ give you life and health to enjoy ityourfelf." 
 
 This 
 
C© ESSAYS. 
 
 This was all the trouble the lofs of fortune gave , 
 this thoughtiell: imprudent creature. However, ' 
 the tend^rnefi oi an uncle recompenfed the neg- 
 left of a father ; and my friend is now not only 
 excelTively good humoured, but completely 
 rich. 
 
 Yes, let the v/orld cry out a bankrupt who 
 appears at a ball ; at an author who laughs 
 at the publick which pronounces him a dunce ; 
 at a general who fmiles at the reproach of the 
 vulgar ; or the lady who keeps her good hu- 
 mour in fpite of Icandal ; but fuch is the wif- 
 eft behaviour that any of us can pofTibly af- 
 jure : It is certainly a better way to oppofe 
 calamity by difiipaiion, than to take up the 
 arms of reafon or refolurion to oppofe it. By 
 the firfb method, we forget our mifcries ; by 
 the lad, we only conceal them from others. 
 By ftruggling with misfortunes, we are fure 
 to receive fome wounds in the confliclj but 
 a fure method to come off victorious, is by 
 lunning away. 
 
 ESSAY IV. 
 
 REMEMBER to have read in fome philof- 
 opher, (I believe in Tom Brown's works) 
 that, let a man's chara6ler, fentimenis, or com- 
 plexion, be what they will, -he can find compa- 
 ny in London to match them. If he be fplene- 
 tick he may every day meet companions on the 
 
 I'trats 
 
ESSAYS. 21 
 
 feats in St. James's Park, with whofe rroans he 
 may mix h]s own, and pathetically tatk of the 
 weather. If he be pafTjonate, he may vent his 
 rage among the old orators at Slaughter's coffee 
 houfe, and damn the nation, becaufe it keeps 
 him from (larving. If he be phiegmarirk, he 
 may (it in filence at the Humdrum club in Ivy 
 Lane ; and if adtuaily mad, he may find vtry 
 good company in Moorficlds either at Bedlam 
 or the foundary ready to cultivate a nearer ac- 
 quaintance. 
 
 Bur, although fuch as have a knowledge of 
 the town, may eafiiy clafs ihemfelves with tem- 
 pers congenial to their own ; a countryman 
 who comes to live in London, finds nothing 
 more difficult. With regard to mvfelf, none 
 ever tried vyith more affiduity, or came off with 
 fuch indifferent fuccefs. 1 fpent one whole 
 feafon in the fearch, during which time, my 
 name has been enrolled in f«)cieties, lodges, cor- 
 vocations, and meetings, wkhout number. To 
 fome I was introduced by a friend, to others 
 invited by an advertifement ; to thefe I intro- 
 duced myfelf, and to thole I changed my name 
 to gain admitrance. In fhort, no coquette v.as 
 ever more foiicitous to match her ribbons to her 
 complexion, than I to fuit my club to my tem- 
 per J for I was too obilinate to bring my temper 
 to conform to it. 
 
 The firft club I entered upon coming to 
 town, was that of the Choice Spirits. The 
 name was entirely fuited to m^v tafie : I was a 
 lover of mirth good humour, and even fome- 
 times of fun from mv childhood. As 
 
«2 ESSAYS. 
 
 As no Other pafTporc was requifite but the 
 payment of two Ihill.ngs ac the door, 1 intro- 
 duced myfelf, without further ceremony, to 
 the members, who were already afTembled, and 
 had, for fome time, begun upon bufmefs. The 
 Grand, with a mallet in his hand, prefided an 
 the head of the table. I could not avoid, up- 
 on my entrance, making ufeofalimy ikili ia 
 phyfiognomy, in order to dilcover that fupe- 
 riority of genius ill men, who had taken a ti- 
 tle fo fuperior to the reft of mankind. I ex- 
 pefled to fee the lines of every face marked 
 with ftrons: thinking ; but though I had fome 
 flcill in this fcience, I could Cor my li^e difcover 
 nothing but a pert fimper, fat^ or profound 
 flupidity. 
 
 My fpeculations were foon interrupted by 
 the Grand, who had knocked down Mr. Sprig- 
 gins for a fong. It was, upon'this, whifpered 
 by one of the company who kt next me, that 
 I fliould now fee fomething touched off to a 
 nicety, for Mr. Spriggins was going to give 
 us Mad Tom in all its glory, Mr. Spriggins 
 endeavoured to excufe himfelf j for as he was to 
 ad a madman and a king, it was impoffiblc to 
 go through the part properly without a 
 crown, and chains. His excufes were over- 
 ruled by a great majority, and with much vocif- 
 eration. The prefident ordered up the jack 
 chain, and inftead of a crown, our performer 
 covered his brows with an inverted Jordan. 
 After he had rattled his chain, and fliook his 
 head; to ihe great delight of the whole compa- 
 
ESSAYS. 23 
 
 ny, he began his fong. ■ As I have heard few 
 youn^ fellows oiter to fm^y in company that did 
 not expole theinfclves, ic w.is no greac difap- 
 pointmciu to me to ftoJ Mr. Spriggins amon;^ 
 the number ; however, not to feem an odd fiih, 
 1 role from my feat in rapture, criedout Bravo ! 
 Encore ! and flapped the tabic as loud as any of 
 the red. 
 
 I'he centleman who fat next me, feemed 
 highly pleafed with my rafle, and the ardor ct 
 my approbation ; and whifpering, told me, that 
 1 had iuffered an immenfe lofs ; for had I come 
 a few minutes fooner, I might have heard Geeha 
 Dobbin fung in a tiptop manner, by the pimple 
 nofed fpirit at the prefident's right elbow ; but 
 he was evaporated before I came. 
 
 As I v»'as exprelTingmy iineafinefs at this dif- 
 appointment, I found the attention of the com- 
 pany employed upon a fat figure, who, with a 
 voice more rough than the Stafford fhi re gianr, 
 was giving us *^ The fofcly Aveer, in Lydian 
 meafure," of Alexander's Feaft. After a fliorfc 
 paufe of admiration, to this fucceeded a Wei fh 
 dialogue, with the humours of Teague and Taf- 
 fy : After that came on old Jackfon, with a (lory 
 bct^veen every ftanza : Next was fung the Dud- 
 carr, and then Solomon's Sons'. The i^lafs be- 
 gan now to circulate pretty freely ; thole who 
 were filent when fober, would now be heard in 
 their turn : Every man had his fong, and he fav/ 
 no reafon whv he fliould not be heard as well as 
 any of the re(h One beoged to be heard while 
 he gave deadi and the lady in high tade : An- 
 other - 
 
<2,± t. S S A Y o» 
 
 ©thcr fang to a plate, which he kept trundling 
 on cne eds-es. Nothing was now heard but 
 Tinging : Voice role above voice, till the whole 
 becaiTi;^ one univerfal (hoot, when the landlord 
 came to acquaint the company that rhe reckon- 
 ing was drank out. Rebclais calls the moment: 
 in which a reckoning is mentioned, the moll 
 melancholy of our lives : Never was fo much 
 noife i^o quickly quelled, as by this fliort but 
 pachetick oration of our landlord. Drank out ! 
 was eclioed in a tone of difcontent round the' 
 table. Drank out already ! that was very odd 1 
 that fo much punch could be drank out alrea- 
 dy ! impoOiblc ! the landlord, however, feem- 
 ing refolved not to re trad: from his firft alTur- 
 an'ces, the company was diflblved, and a prefi- 
 dent chofen for the night enfuing. 
 
 A friend of mine, to whom I was complain- 
 ing fomc time after of the entertainment 1 have 
 been defcribing, propofed to bring me to the 
 club that he frequented j which, he fancied, 
 would fuit the gravity of my temper exadly. 
 <' We have at the Muzzy Club," fays he, '' no 
 " riotous mirth nor awkward ribaldry j no con- 
 " fufion or bawling ; all is conduced with wif- 
 «* dom and decency : Befides fome of our mem- 
 '' bers are worth forty thoufand pounds : Men 
 '' of prudence and forefight every one of them : 
 ^^' Thcfe are the proper acquaintance, and to fuch. 
 <' I will to night introduce you." 1 was charm- 
 ed at the piopofal : To be acquainted with men 
 worth forty thoufand pounds, and to talk wif- 
 clom the whole night, were offers that threw mc, 
 into rapture. ^" '' 
 
ESSAYS. 25 
 
 At ft^vcn o'clock I was accordingly introduc- 
 ed by my friend, not indeed to ilie company ; 
 for though I made my bed bow, they I'eemcd 
 infenfible of my approach but to the table ac 
 which they were fitting. Upon my entering 
 the room, I could notavoid feeling afecret ven- 
 eration from the folemnity of thefcene before 
 me : The members kept a profound filcnce5eacli 
 with a pipe in his mouth and a pewter pot in 
 Iiis hand, and with faces that might cafily be 
 conftrued into abfolute wifdom. Happy focietv, 
 thought I to myfelf, where the members think 
 before they fpeak, deliver nothing rafiily, buc 
 convev their thoughts to each other, pre<>nanc 
 with meaning, and matured by reHedlion. 
 
 In thispleafing [peculation I continued a full 
 half hour, expeding each moment that fome- 
 body would begin to open his mouth. Every 
 time the pipe was laid down, I cxpeded it was 
 to fpeak ; but it was only to fpit. At length, 
 refoiving to break the charm myfelf, and over- 
 come their extreme difBdence, (for to this 1 im- 
 puted their filence) I rubbed my hands, and 
 looking as wife as pouible, obferved, that the 
 nights began to grow a little coolifn at this time 
 of the year. This, as it was directed to none of 
 the company in particular, none thought him,-. 
 fejf obliged to anfwer ; wherefore, I continued 
 ftill to rub m^y hands and look wife. My nexc 
 effort was addreffed to a gentleman Vv'ho fat next 
 me : To whom I obferved t!iat the beer was ex- 
 treme good : My neighbour made no reply, bun 
 by a large pull' of tobacco fmokc, 
 
 c J 
 
:6 ESSAY S. 
 
 I now began to be uneafy in this dunnb foci- 
 cty, till one of rhem a little relieved nne, by ob~ 
 ferving, that bread had not rifcn thefe three 
 weeks. — ''Ay," fays another, ftill keeping the 
 pipe in his mouth, ** that puts me in mind of a 
 ^^pleafant ftory about that — hem — very well y 
 " you mufl: know — but, before I begin — Sir^ 
 *' my fervice to you — where was 1 ?" 
 
 My next ciub goes by the namiC of Hawno- 
 nical Society ; probably from that love of or-i 
 der and friendOiip v.^hich every perfon com- 
 mends in inftitutions of this nature. Theland- 
 ]ord Vv'as himfelf founder. The money fpent 
 is four pence each ; and they fometimes whip 
 for a double reckoning. To this club few re- 
 commendations are requifite, except the intro- 
 dudlory four pence and my, landlord's good 
 word, vvliich as he gains by it lie never rcfufes. 
 
 We all here talked and behaved as every bo- 
 dy elfe ufually does on his club night ; we dif- 
 cufled the ropick of the day, drank each other's 
 healths, fnufFed the candles with our fingers, 
 and filled our pipes from the fame plate of to- 
 bacco. The company faluted each other in the 
 common manner. Mr. Bellowfmender hoped 
 Mr. Currycombmaker had not caught cold go- 
 ing home the laft club night ; and he returned 
 the compliment, by hoping i hat young Mr. Bel- 
 lowfmender had got well of the chin cough. 
 DodorTwifl: told us a (lory of a parliament 
 man with whom he was intimately acquainted ; 
 while the bug man, at the fame time, was tell- 
 'ng a better ftory of a noble lord with whom he 
 
 could 
 
ESSAYS, .'^7 
 
 could do any thing. A gentleman in a black 
 wig and leather breeches, at the other end cF 
 the table, was engaged in a long narrative of 
 the Ghoft in Cocklane : He had read it in ,the 
 papers of the day, and was telling it to Ibme 
 that fat next him who could not read. Near 
 him Mr. Dibbings was difpucing on the old 
 fubjedl of religion with a Jew a pedlar over the 
 table, while the prefident in vain knocked down 
 Mr. Leatherfides for afong. Befides the com- 
 binations of taefe voices, which I could hear al- 
 together, and which formed an upper part to 
 the concert, there were feveral othtrs playini; 
 under parts by themfelves, and endeavouring la 
 faften on fome luckiefs neighbour's ear, uho 
 was himfelf bent upon the fame defign againft 
 fome other. ^ 
 
 We have often heard of the fpeech of a cor- 
 poration and this induced me to tranfcribe a 
 fpeech of this club, taken in fiiort hand, word 
 for word, as it was fpokcn by every member of 
 the company. Ic may be neceiTary to obferve, 
 that the man who told of the ghofl had the loud- 
 eit voice, and the longed flory to tell, fo that 
 his continuing narrative filled every chafm in 
 the converfation^ 
 
 *' So, Sir, d'ye perceive me, the ghofl giv^ 
 ing three loud raps at the bed poft— Says my 
 >ord to me, my dear Smokeum, yOu know there 
 is no man upon the face of theyearth for' whom 
 I have lb high — Adamnable falfe heretical opin^- 
 ion of ail found do(5i:rine and good learning ; 
 for I'll tell ic aloud, and fpare not that — Silen°cc 
 
 for 
 
t3 ESSAYS. 
 
 for afong ; Mr. Leatherfides for a fong — *^ A3 
 1 was walking upon the highway, I met a young 
 damfcr* — Then what brings you here ? fays ihd 
 peribn to the ghoft — Sanconiathan, Manetho, 
 and Berofus — The whole way from Iflington 
 turnpike to Doghoufe bar — Dam — As for Abel 
 Drugger, Sir, he*s dam'd low in it ; my 'pren- 
 tice boy has more ot the, gentleman than he — 
 For murder will out one time cr another ; 
 and none but a ghofl, you knc , gentlemen, 
 can — Damme if I doh*t : For my tl-iend, whom 
 you know, gentlemen, and who is a parliament 
 man, a si-ian of confequence, a dear hohefl crea- 
 turrj to be fure : We were laughing lail night 
 :;: — Dea^h and damnation upon all [lis poflerity, 
 by fimply barely tailing — Sour grapes as the fox 
 faid once when he could not reach them : And 
 I'll, I'll tell you a (lory about that, that wil] 
 rn'ike you burft your fides with laughing : A fox 
 once — Will nobody liften to the fong — ^ As I 
 
 * was a walking upon the highway, I met a young 
 
 * damfelboth buxon^ and gay' — No ghoft gen- 
 tlemen, can be miUrdercd j nor did I ever hear 
 but of one ghod killed in all my life, and that 
 ^vas dabbed in the belly v/ith a — My blood and 
 foul if 1 don't — Mr» Bellowfmender, I have 
 the honour ofdrinki.ng your very good health — 
 Blaft me if I do — damn — blood — bugs— fire — 
 
 whiz — ^blid — tit — rat— trip The reft all riot, 
 
 nonfenfe, and rapid confufion. 
 
 Were I to be angry at men for being fools, 
 I could here find ample room for declamation ; 
 but alas ! I have been afoolmyfclf; and why 
 
 ihouM * 
 
S S A Y S. 29 1 
 
 ihould I be angry with them for being fome-. 
 thing lb natural to every child of luimanity ? 
 
 Fatigued with this fociety, 1 was introduce. 
 the following night, to a club offaQiion. C 
 taking my place, found the converfaiion fufn.^ 
 cientiy eafy, and tolerably good natured ; fo 
 my Lord and Sir Paul were not yet arrived. I 
 now thought myfelf completely fitted^ and. re- 
 folving to feek no further, determined to take up 
 my refidence here for the winter ; while my tem- 
 per began to open infenfibly to the cheerfulnefs 
 I faw diff iifed on every face in the room : But 
 the delufion foonvani (lied, when the waiter catne 
 to apprize us, that his Lordfliio and Sir Paul had 
 jufb arrived. 
 
 From this moment all our felicity was at an 
 end ; our new gueils buftled into the room, and 
 rook their feats at the head of the table. Adieu 
 now all confidence : Every creature ftrove who 
 fliould mod recommend himfelf to our mem- 
 bers of diftindion. Each feemed quite regard- 
 lefs of pleafing any but our new guflls : And, 
 what before wore the appearance of friendfhip 
 was novv turned into rivalry. 
 
 Yet 1 could not obferve, thar, amidft all this 
 flattery and obfequlous attention, our great men^ 
 took any notice of the red of the company. 
 Their whole difcourfe was addrefled to each 
 other. Sir Paul told his Lordfliip a long dory 
 of Moravia the Jew; and his Lordfhip gave 
 Sir Paul a very long account of his nev/ meth- 
 od of managing filk worms : lie led him, and 
 coni'equentiv the red of the company, through 
 
 C 2 air 
 
,.,;.o ESSAYS, 
 
 ,.U^ J-i •-^ •-' *X X <J» 
 
 Jail the (lages of feeding, funning, and hatching ; 
 
 with an epifode on mulberry trees, a digrcfTicn 
 ' upon grafs feeds, and a long parenthefis about 
 j his new poilillion. In this manner we travelled 
 
 on, wifhing every (lory to be the laft j but all 
 
 in vain, 
 
 " Hills over hills, and Alps on Alpi arofe.'* 
 
 The lad club in which I was enrolled a mem- 
 ber, was a fociety of moral philofophers, as they 
 f called themfelves, who afTembled twice a week 
 in order to fhow the ablurdity of the prefenc 
 mode of religion, and ellablifh a new one in its 
 flead. 
 
 I found the members very warmly difputing 
 v/hen I arrived ; not indeed about religion or 
 ethicks, butaboutwhohadnegleftedto lay down 
 his preliminary fixpence upon entering the room. 
 The prefident fwore that he had laid his own 
 down, and fo fwore all the company. 
 
 During this conteii, I had an opportunity of 
 obferving the laws and alfo the members of the 
 focietv. The prefident, who had been, as I was 
 told lately a bankrupt, was a tall pale figure^, 
 with a long black wig : The next to him was 
 drefled in a large white wig and a black cravat; 
 a third by the brownnefs of his complexion, 
 feemed a native of Jamaica; and a fourth, by his 
 hue, appeared to be a blackfmith. But their 
 rules will give the moftjuft idea of their learn- 
 ing and principles. 
 
 I. Wc being a laudable fociety of moral phi- 
 iofophcrs^ intend to difpute twice a week about 
 
 religion 
 
ESSAYS. y} 
 
 ^ religion and prieftcrafc ; leaving behind us old 
 wives' tales, and following good learning and 
 foundfenfc: And iffo be, that any other perfons 
 has a mind to be ofthcfociety, theyilaall beenti- 
 tied fo to do, upon paying the fuai of three fhii- 
 lings, to be fpent by the company in punch. 
 
 II. That no member get drunk before nine 
 of the clock, upon pain of forfeiting three pence, 
 to be fpent by the company in punch. 
 
 III. That as members are fometimes apt to 
 go awaywithout paying, every perfon fhall pay 
 fix pence i\j^'i^Jhis entering the room j and all 
 difpuces fhall'be fettled by a majority ; and all 
 fines fhall be paid in punch. 
 
 IV. That fix pence lliall be every night giv- 
 en to the prefident, in order to buy books of 
 learning for the good of the fociety : The pre- 
 fident iiis already put himfelf to a good deal of 
 expenfe in buyino; books for the club ; particu- 
 larly the works of Tully, Socrates and Cicero, 
 which we will foonij^^ to the fociety. 
 
 V. All them who brings a new argument 
 againfl religion, and who, being a philofopher 
 and awa|j of learning, as the reft of us is, (hall 
 be admitted fo the freedom of the fociety, upon 
 paying^Qx pence only tp be fpent in punch. 
 
 VI. Whenever we areio^haye an e-xtraordinary 
 meeting, it Ihall be adverti,l^d;^y, fome outland- 
 iHi name in he newfpapersvjK^-' ' 
 
 Saunders Mac Wild, Prefident. 
 
 Anthony Blewit, Vice Prefident* 
 his J mark, 
 , Wil;,iam Turpi n^ Secretaiy. 
 
 \ ESSAX 
 
o 
 
 t ESSAY S. 
 
 ESSAY V. 
 
 T is ufuallyfaid by grammarians, that the. ufe 
 ^_^ of language is to exprcfs our wants and de- 
 lires; but men who know the world, hold, and 
 I think with feme fhewof reafon, that he who 
 bed knows how to keep his nectrlfities private, 
 is the mod likely perfon to have them redrelTed ; 
 and that the true uTe offpeech is not lb aiuch to 
 exprefs our wants, as to conceal them. 
 
 When we rerledl on the manner in which man* 
 kind generally confer their fiivours, there ap- 
 pears Ibmeching Co attradtive in riches, that the 
 large heap generally collects from the fmaller : 
 and the poor find as much pleafure in increafing 
 the enormous mafs of the rich, as the mifer, who 
 owns it, lees happinefs in its increafe. Nor is 
 there in this any thing repugnant to the lav/s of 
 morality. Seneca himlelf allows, that in con- 
 ferring benefits the prefent fhould always be 
 fuited to the d'gnity of the receiver. Thus, 
 the rich receive large prefencs, and are thanked 
 for accepting them. Men of m»iddling Rations 
 are obliged to be content with prefencs, fome- 
 thi ng Iffs ; while the beggar, who may be truly 
 faidtowant indeed, is well paid if a farthing 
 rewards his warmeft folicitations. 
 
 Every man who has (cen the world, and has 
 had his ups and downs in life, as the exprefnon 
 is, m'jfl have frequently experienced the truth 
 of this dodlrine, and mult know, that to have 
 mych/or to feem to have ir^ is the only way to 
 
 ha\'xi. 
 
ESSAYS. 
 
 
 have more. Ovid fint^ly- compares" a man cf 
 broken fortune to a falling column ; the lower 
 it finks, the greater is that weight it is oblioed 
 to fullain. Thus when a man*s circumlUnces 
 are luch that he has no occafion to borrow, lie 
 finJs numibcrs willing to lend him j but, fhould 
 his wants be fuch that he fues for a trifie, it is 
 tv/o to one whether he may be trufted with the 
 f mulled fum. 
 
 A certain young fellow whom I knew, when- 
 ever he had occafion to afl; his friend a , guinea, 
 11 fed to prelude his requeft as if nc wanted 
 two hundred j and talked fo familiar of large 
 fums, that none could ever think he wanted a 
 fmall one. The fame gentleman, whenever he 
 wanted credit for a fuit of clothes, always made 
 the propofal in a laced coat ; for he found by 
 experience, that if he appeared fhabby on thefe 
 occafions, his taylor had taken an oath againfl 
 truQing ; or what was every whic as bad, his 
 foreman v^as out of the v/ay, and would not be at 
 home for fome time. 
 
 There can be no inducements to reveal our 
 wants, except to find pity, and by thefe means 
 relief; but before a poor rrian opens his mind in 
 fuch circumftances, he fliould firil confider whe- 
 ther he is contented to loofe the efleem of the 
 perfon he folicits, and whether he is willing to 
 give up friendOiip to excite comipafTion. Pity 
 and friend (liip are pafTions incompatible with 
 each other ; and it is impofTible that both can 
 refule in any bread, for the fmalltd fpace, with- 
 out impairinQ: each other. Friendflaip is ma^c 
 
 up 
 
^4 
 
 ESSAYS. \ 
 
 vp of efteem and pleafure ; pity is compofed o( 
 forrow andconccmpt; the mind may for fome 
 time, fludtuatt between ihem, buc it can never 
 cntj^rcain both at once. 
 
 In fa^l, pity, though it may often relieve, is 
 but at bell a fliorc lived pafTion, and feidom af- 
 fords didrefs more than a tranfitory affiflance : 
 With fome, it fcarce lafts from the rirll impulfe 
 till the hand can be put into the poci<et -, with 
 others, it may continue for twice that fpace ; 
 and on fome of extraordinary fenfibility, I have' 
 i'ctn it operate for halfan hour together. ButftiJI, 
 Idil as it may, it generally produces but beggar- 
 ly effecls: And where, from this motive, we give' 
 Hve farthings, from others, we give pounds. 
 Whatever be our feelings from the firil impulfe 
 ofdidrefs, when the fame diilrefs folicits a fe- 
 cond time, we then feel with diminifhed fenfi- 
 bility j and like the repetition of an echo, every 
 flroke becomes weaker] till at lad our fenfations 
 lofe all mixture of forrow, and degenerate into 
 downright contempt. 
 
 Thele speculations bring to my mind the 
 fate of a very good nacured fellow, who is now 
 no more. He was bred in a counting houfe, 
 and his father dying juft as he was out of his 
 time, left him a handfome fortune* and many 
 friends to advife with. The reftraint'in which 
 my friend had been brought up, had thrown a 
 gloom upon his temper, which fome regarded 
 as prudence ; and from fuch confideraiions he 
 had every day repeated offers of friend fhip. 
 Such as had ready money, werereadj to offer hini 
 
 their 
 
ESSAYS. 35 
 
 their afTiilance that way ; and they who had 
 daughters, freqiienily in the warmth of af- 
 fection, advifed hiin to nnarry. My friend, how- 
 ever, was in good cifcumn:an(!es ; he wanted 
 neither money, friends, nor a wife ; and therafore 
 modeflly declined their propofal. 
 
 Some errors, however, in the management of 
 his affairs, and feveral lofles in trade, foon 
 brought him to a different way ofthinking: And 
 he at laff confidered, that it was his bed way to 
 let his friends know that their offers were at 
 length acceptable. His firfl: addrefs was to a 
 fcrivener, who had formerly made him frequenjL 
 offers of money and friendfhip, at a time wfiert'' 
 perhaps he knew thofe offers would have been 
 refufed. As a man, therefore, conHdent of not 
 being refufed, he requeftedrhe ufe of an hundred 
 guineas for a few days as he had juft then had 
 
 'occafion formoney. "And pray Sir/' replied the 
 fcrivener, '' do you want all this money r" 
 " Want it. Sir,*' fays the other, '* if I did not 
 '^ want it, I fnould not have affced it." " I am 
 " forry for that," fays the friend, *' for thdfe who 
 *' want money when tliey borrow, will always 
 
 \*^ want money when they ffiould come to pay. 
 
 }" To fay the trfith, Sir, money is money now ; 
 " and I believe itis all lunk in the bottom of the 
 *^ fca, for my part ; he thathas cot a little, is a 
 *' fool if he does not keep what he has got.'* 
 
 Not quite difconcerted by this refulal, onr 
 adventurer was refolved to apply to another, 
 whom he knew was the very beff friend he had 
 4fi the world. The gentleman whom he now ad- 
 
 dreffcd. 
 
-^,6 ESSAY S, 
 
 o 
 
 dreHfed, received his propofal with all the affa- 
 bility that could be expeded from generous 
 frienddiip. '' Let me lee, you want an hundred 
 *' guineas ; and pray dear Jack, would not tifry 
 *' anfwer?" ^'Ifyou have but fifty to fpare. Sir, 
 " I mtift be coniented." '' Fifty to fpare 1 1 do 
 *' not fay that, for 1 believe I have but twenty 
 '' about me." '' Then 1 muft borrow the other 
 '' thirty from fome other friend." *' And pray," 
 replied the friend, " would it not be the belt 
 <* way to borrow the whole money from that ^ 
 ** other friend, and then one note will ferve for 
 ''all, you know ? You know, my dear Sir, that 
 **you need make no ceremony with me at 
 *' any time j you know I'm your friend ; and ) 
 <' when you choofc a bit of dinner, or fo — You " 
 " Tom, fee. the gentleman down — You won't i 
 ^* forget to dine with us now and then — Your 
 *' humble fervant." 
 
 DiilrefTed but not difcouraged at this treat- j 
 ment, he was at laft refolved to find that aflift- j 
 anee from love, which he could not havefromi 
 friendfhip. A young lady adillant relation by, 
 the mother's (ide, had her fortune in her own, 
 hands ; and as (he had already made all thead^v 
 vances that her fex's modefty would permit, he^ 
 made his propofal with confidence. He ioon,, 
 however, perceived that no bankrupt ever found! 
 the fair one kind. She had lately fallen deepjjr.! 
 in love with another, who had more money, and 
 the whole neighbourhood thought it would bea, 
 
 match. _ 
 
 Every 
 
 ^^ 
 
ESSAYS. 57 
 
 Every day now began to drip my p6or friend 
 of his former finery. His clothes flew, piece by 
 piece, to the pawnbroker's : And he feemed ac 
 lens^th equipped in the genuine livery of misfor-, 
 tune. But ftill he thought himlelf fecure from 
 a6tual neceffity : The numberlefs invitations he 
 ■had received to dine, even after his lofTcs, were 
 yet unanfvvei*ed : He was therefore now refolved 
 to accept of a dinner becaufe he wanted one; 
 and in this manner he adually lived among his 
 friends a whole week, without being openly af- 
 fronted. The lall place I faw him in, was at a 
 reverend divine's. He had, as he fancied, juft 
 nicked the time of diiiner, for he came in as the 
 cloth was lying. He took a chair without being 
 defired, and talked for fome lime v/ithout being 
 attended to. He alTured the company, that noth- 
 ing procured fo good an appetite as a walk in 
 the Park, where he had been that morning. 
 He went on and praifed the figure of the damafk 
 table cloth ; talked of a feaft where he had been 
 the day before, but that the venifon was over 
 done : But all this procured him no invitation. 
 Finding therefore the gentleman of the houfc 
 infenfible to all his fetches, he thought proper 
 at lad to retire, and mend his appetite by a fe^ 
 cond walk in the Park. 
 
 You then, O ye beggars of m,y acquaintance^ 
 whether in rags or lace ; whether in Kent (Ireec 
 Of the Mall ; whether at the Sm.yrna or St» 
 Giles's, might I be perm.itted to advife as a^ 
 riend, never ktm to want the favour which 
 J.ou lolicit. Apply to every pafTion but hu^ 
 
 D man 
 
5^ ESSAY S. 
 
 man pity for redrefs: You may find permanent 
 relief from vanity, from felf intereft, or from 
 avarice, but from compaflion never. The very 
 eloquence of a poor man is difgiifting ; and 
 that mouth which is opened even by wifdom, 
 is feldom expedled to clofe without the horrors 
 of a petition. 
 
 To v/ard off the gripe of poverty, you muffc 
 pretend to be a ftranger to her, and fhe will ac 
 lead ufe you with ceremony. If you be caught 
 dining upon a halfpenny porrenger of peas foup 
 and potatoes, praife the wholefomenefs of your 
 frugal repaft : You may obferve, that Dr.Cheyne 
 has prefcribed peas broth for the gravel : Hint 
 that you are not one of chofe who are always 
 making a deity ofyour belly. If, again, you are 
 obliged to wear a flimfy fluff in the midft of 
 winter, be the firft to remark, that fluffs are ve- 
 ry much worn at Paris ; or, if there be found 
 fome irreparable defefls in any part of your e- 
 quipage, which cannot be concealed by all the 
 arts of fitting crofs legged, coaxing, or derning, 
 fay, that neither you nor Sampfon Gideon were 
 ever very fond of drefs. If you be a philofopher, 
 hint that Plato or Seneca are the taylors you 
 choofe to employ ; affure the company, that man 
 ought to be content with a bare covering, fince 
 what now is fo much his pride was formerly his 
 fliame. In fhort, hov^'ever caught, never give 
 out ; but afcribe to the frugality ofyour difpo- 
 ficion, what others might be apt to attribute to 
 the narrownefs of your circumflances. To be 
 poor, and to feempoor, is a certain method nev- 
 er 
 
ESSAYS. 29 
 
 er to rife : Pride in the great is hateful ; in the 
 wife it is ridiculous : But bei^rearly pride is a 
 rational vanity, which 1 have been taught to 
 applaud and excufe. 
 
 ESSAY VI. 
 
 YSIPPUS is a man whofe greatnefs of foul 
 the whole world admires. His generofity 
 is tuch that it prevents a demand, and faves the 
 receiver the trouble and the confufion of a re- 
 queft. His liberality alfo does not oblige more 
 by its greatnefs than by his inimitable grace in 
 giving. Sometimes he even diflributes his boun- 
 ties to ftrangers, and has been known to c(p 
 good offices to thofe who profefTed themfeives 
 to be his enemies. All the world are unanimous 
 in the praife of his generofity; there is only one 
 fort of people who complain of his condud:* 
 Lyfippus does not pay his debts. 
 
 It is no difficult matter to account for a 
 condudl fo feemJngly incompatible with itfelf. 
 There is greatnefs in being generous, and there 
 is only fimple jufbice in fatisfying his creditors. 
 Generofity is the part of a foul raifed above 
 the vulgar. There is in it fomething of what we 
 admire in her6es, and praife with a degree of rap- 
 ture. Juftice on the contrary, is a mere rne- 
 chanick virtue, only fit for tradefmen, and what 
 is praclifcd by every broker in change alley. 
 
 In paying his debts a man barely does his 
 duty, and it is^ adlion attended with no fort: 
 
 ©f 
 
40 ESSAY S. 
 
 of glory. Should Lyrjppus fatisfy ])is creditors^ 
 ivho would be at the pains of telling it to the 
 world ? Generofuy is a virtue ot a very differ- 
 ent connplexion. It is raifed above duty J and 
 from its elevation, attradls the attention and the 
 praifcs of us little mortals below. 
 
 In this manner do men generally reafon upon 
 juftice and generofity. The firft is difpifed, 
 though a virtue efTcntial to the good of fociety, 
 and the other attracts our cfteem^ which too 
 frequently proceeds from an impetuofny of tem- 
 per, rather directed by vanity than reafon, 
 Lyfippus is told that his banker afks a debt of 
 forty poundS;^ and that a diftreffed acquaintance 
 petitions for the fame fum. He gives it with-* 
 out hefitating to the latter; for he demands as 
 a favour, what the other requires as a debt. 
 
 Mankind, in general, are not fufficiently ac- 
 quainted Vi'ith the import of the v/ord Juftice: 
 it is com^nonly believed to confifr only in a per- 
 j >rmance of thofe duties to which the laws 
 «)f fbciety can oblige us^ This, I allow, is fome- 
 riiT.es the import of the word : And in this fenfe, 
 juflice is difiinguidied from equity : Butthereis 
 a jullice (till more exrenfive, and v/hich can be 
 fno\vn to embrace all the virtues united, 
 
 Jullice may be dtfmed, that virtue which im- 
 pels us to give e^ery perfon what is his due. 
 In this extended fcnfc of the word, it compre- 
 -hends the practice of every virtue which reafon 
 prefcribes, or Ibciety fliould expert. Our duty 
 io our Maker^ xo each other, and to ourfclves. 
 
ESSAYS. 41 
 
 are fully anfwered, if we give them what we owe 
 them. Thus juilice, properly fpcaking, is the 
 only virtue ; And all the reft have their origin 
 in it. 
 
 The qualities of candour, fortitude, charity 
 and generofuy, for inftance, are not, in their 
 own nature, virtues 5 and, if ever they "defcrve 
 the title, it is owing only to juftice, which im- 
 pels and direds them. Without fuch^ a mod- 
 erator, candour might become, indifcretion ^ 
 fortitude, obftinacy ; charity, imprudence, and 
 generofuy, miftaken profufion. 
 
 A difinterefted adlioh, if it be not condudled 
 by juftice, is, at beft, indifferent in its nature, 
 and not unfrequently even turns to vice. The 
 expenfes of fociety, of prefents, of entertain- 
 ments, and the otiier helps to cheerfulnefs, are 
 adions merely indifferent, when not repugnant 
 to a better method of difpofing ot^our fuperfiui- 
 ties ; but they become vicious when they ob- 
 flru6l orexhauft our abilities, from a'more vir- 
 tuous difpofition of circumftances. 
 
 True generofuy is a duty as indifpenfably ne- 
 cefTary as thofe impofed on us by law. It is a 
 rule impofed upon us by reafon, which Ihould 
 be the fovereign law of a rational being. But 
 this'generofuy does notconfift in obeying every 
 impulfe of humanity, in following blind pafTioa 
 for our guide, and impairing our circumftances 
 by prefent benefa6lions, fo as to render us inca- 
 pable of future ones. 
 
 Mifers are generally chara(5lerifed as men 
 without hon^i^ or without humanity, who live 
 W^ D 2 only 
 
42 ESSAY S; 
 
 only to accumulate, and to this paflion facri- 
 fice every other happinefs. They have h^cn 
 defcribed as mad men, who, in the midft of 
 abundance, banifh every pleafure, and make 
 from imaginary wanrs, real neceflities. But 
 few, very few, correfpond to this exaggerated 
 picture ; and perhaps, there is not one in whom 
 all thefe circumflances are found united. In- 
 itead of this, we find the fober and the induflri- 
 ous branded by the vain and the idle with this 
 odious appellation ; men who, by frugality and 
 labour, raife themfelves above their equals, and 
 contribute their fhare of indullry to the common 
 Hock. 
 
 Whatever the vain or the ignorant may fay, 
 well were it for fociety, had we more of thefe 
 chara6lers amongft us. In general, thefe clofe 
 men are found at laft the true benefadors of fo- 
 ciety. With .^n avaricious man we feldom 
 lofe in our dealings, but too frequently in our 
 commerce with prodigality. 
 
 A French prieft, whofe name was Godinot, 
 wen . for along time by the name of the Gri- 
 per. He refufed to relieve the mod apparent 
 wretchednefs, and by a fkillfiil management of 
 his vineyard, had the good fortune to acquire 
 immenfe fums of money. The inhabitants of 
 Rheims, who were his fellow citizens, detcfted 
 him ; and the populace, who feldom love a mifer, 
 wherever he went, followed him with ihouts 
 of contempt. He (lilT, however, continued his 
 former fimplicity of life, his amazing and un- 
 remitted frugality. He had lon^erceived the 
 
 ^P wants 
 
ESSAY S. 43 
 
 wants of the poor in the city, particularly, in 
 having no water but what they were obliged 
 to buy at an advanced price : Wherefore, that 
 whole fortune which he had been amafiing he 
 laid out in an acquedu(5t ; by which he did the 
 poor more ufeful and lading fervice, than if he 
 had diftributed his whole income in charity ev- 
 ery day at his door. 
 
 Among men long converfant with books, we 
 too frequently find thofe mifplaced virtues, of 
 which 1 have been now complaining. We find 
 the itudious animated with a ftrong pafTion for 
 the great virtues, as they are millakenly called, 
 and utterly forgetful of the ordinary ones. The 
 declamations of phiiofophy are generally rather 
 exhaufted on thofe fupererogatory duties, than 
 on fuch as are indifpenfably necefiary. A man, 
 therefore, who has taken his ideas of mankind 
 from ftudy alone, generally comes into the 
 world with a heart melting at every fidirious 
 diftrefs. Thus, he is induced, by mifplaced 
 liberality, to put himifelf into the indigent cir- 
 cumftances of the perfon he relieves. 
 
 I fhall conclude this paper wiih the advice of 
 one of the ancients, t% a young man whom he 
 faw giving away all his fubfliance to pretended 
 diflrefs. *Mt is pofTible, that the peilbn yojj- 
 *^ relieve may be an honeit man ; and I know 
 *^ that you who lelieve him, are luch. You 
 ** fee, then, by your gefierofity, that \ou rob a 
 " man, who is cercainly defc-rving, fo beftow ifc 
 " on one who may poftlbly be a rogue ; and, 
 " while you are imiuft; in rewarding \incercain. 
 
 w 
 
 " merit, 
 
4i 
 
 ESSAYS. 
 
 " merit, vou are doubly guilty, by ftripping 
 ^^yourfelf/* 
 
 ESSAY VII. 
 
 N- B. This treatife was puklifh;d biifore RoufiVau'j Ein'liu*.— -If there 
 be a fimllitude in any one inlfance, it is h jpe J ihe author of ihc prc- 
 fent EfTay will not be deemed a (>iagiarltl. 
 
 AS few fubje^ls are more interefling to fo- 
 ciety, fo, few have been more frequently- 
 written upon, than the education of youth. Yet 
 it is a little furprifing, that it has been treated, 
 almoft by all, in a declamatory manner. They 
 have infilled largely on the advantages that refulc 
 from it, both to individuals and to fociety -, and 
 have expatiated in the praife of what none have 
 ever been fo hardy as to call in quefiion. 
 
 Inftead of giving us fine, butempty harangues 
 upon this fubjedl ; inftead of indulging each his 
 particular and whimfical fyftems, it had been 
 much better if the writers on this fubje£t had 
 treated it in a more fcientifick manner, repreffed 
 all the fallies of imagination, and given us the 
 refult of their obfervatious whh diadacftick fim- 
 pliciry. Upon this fubjtdl, thefmaliefl: errors 
 are of the moil dangerous confequence ; and-tte 
 author fhould venture the imputation oF ftupi- 
 dity upon a topxk, where his (lighted devia- 
 tions may tend to injure the rifing generation. 
 However fuch are the whimfical and erroneous 
 produftions written upon thi^fubjedh Their 
 
 ^§ authors 
 
ESSAYS. 45 
 
 authors have fludied to be iincommon^.not to be 
 jiill; and, at prffenr, we^want a treatife upon 
 education, not to tell us any thing new, but to 
 explode the errors which have been introduced 
 by the admirers of novelty. It is in this nnanner 
 books btcome numerous j a defirc of novelty 
 produces a book, and other books are required 
 to dcHroy the former. 
 
 1 n-iall, therefore, throw out a few thoughts 
 upon this fubjefl, which, though known, have 
 not been attended to.by others; and i>iall difmifs 
 all attempts to pleafe, while 1 fludy only inllruc- 
 
 tion. 
 
 The manner in which our youth of London 
 are at prefent educated, is, fome in free fchools 
 in the citv, but the far greater number/n board- 
 ing fchools about town. The parent juflly 
 confuks the health of the child, and finds an 
 education in the country 'tends to promote this, 
 much more than a continuance in town. Thus 
 far he is right : If there were a poiTibility of 
 liaving even our free fchools kept a little out 
 of town, it woula certainly conduce to the 
 health and vigor of, perhaps the mind as v^ell as 
 the body. It may be thought whimfical, 
 but it is truth : I have found by experience, 
 that they who have fpent all their lives in cities, 
 conrraft notonly an effeminacy* of habit, but 
 even of thinking. 
 
 But when 1 have faid, that the boarding 
 fchools are preferable to free fchools, as being 
 in the country, this is certainly the only advan- 
 tage I <:an allow them -, otherwife it is impofli- 
 
 ^ ble 
 
46 ESSAYS 
 
 bJe to conceive the ignorance ofthore who take 
 upon them ihe important trull of education. Is 
 any man unfit for any of rheprofciTions ? he finds 
 his lalt refource in fetting up a fchoo]. Do any 
 become bankrupts in trade ? they flill fet up a 
 boardinor fchool, and drive a trade this wav, 
 when all others tail ; nay, I have been told of 
 butchers and barbers who have turned fchooi- 
 mafters; and more furprifing iliil, made fortunes 
 in their new profefTion. 
 
 Could we think ourfclves in a country of ci- 
 vilized people ; could it be conceived, that we 
 have a regard for pofterity, when fuch perfons 
 are permitted to take the charge of the morals, 
 genius, and health of thofe dear little pledges 
 who may one day be the guardians of the liber- 
 ties of Europe, and who may ferve as the honor 
 and bulwark of their aged parents ? the care of 
 our children, Is it below the ftate ? Is it fit to in- 
 dulge the caprice of the ignorant with the d if- 
 pofal of their children in this particular ? for 
 the (late to take the charge of all its' children, as 
 in Perfia or Sparta, might, at prefent, be incoa- 
 venient ; but furely, with great eafe, it 
 mi;^hr call an eve to their infi:ru6lors. Of all 
 profefTions in fociecy, I do not know a more 
 nfcfuljOr a more honourable one, than a fchool- 
 mafter ; at th<%fame time that 1 do not fee any 
 more generally difpifed, or men whofe talents 
 are fo iii rewarded. 
 
 Were the lalaries of fchoolmaders to be aug-. 
 mentcd from a diminution of ufelefs finecures, 
 how might it turn to the advantage of this peo- 
 ple ! 
 
ESSAYS. 47 
 
 pie ! a people whom, without flattery, I may, in 
 otlTcr refpeds, term the wifcftand greaieit upon 
 earth. But while I would reward the defcrving, 
 I would difmifs thole utterly unqualified for 
 their employment : In fliort, 1 would make the 
 bufinefs of a fchool mailer every way moreref- 
 pedable, by encreafiiig their falaries, and admic- 
 ing only men of proper abilities. , • 
 
 It is true we have already fchoOlmaflxTs ap- 
 pointed, and they have fmall falaries ; buc 
 where at prefent there is only one fchoolmafter 
 appointed, there fliould at leaft be two : And 
 wherever the falary is at prefent tv^enty pounds, 
 it fhould be au^m.ented to an hundred. Do we 
 give immoderate benefices to thofe who inllrudt 
 ourfelves, and fhall we deny even fubfiltence to 
 thole who inflru6l our children ? every mem- 
 ber of fociety Ihould be paid in proportion as 
 he is necelTary ; and I will be bold enough to 
 fay, that fchoolmafters in a ftate are miore necef- 
 fary than clergymen, as children ftand in more 
 need of in(lru6lion than their parents. 
 
 But inftead of this, as I have already obferv- 
 cd, we fend them to board in the country, to 
 the mod ignorafit fet of men that can be im- 
 agined ; and, left the ignorance of the mafter 
 be not fufficient, the child is generally confign- 
 ed to the ufher. This is commqniy fom^i poor 
 needy animal, little fuperior to a^l^otman either 
 in learning or fpirit, invited to this place by arx^ 
 advertifement, and kept there merely from his 
 being of a complying difpofuion, and making 
 the children fund of him. *• You give your 
 
 '' chiia 
 
4^ ESSAYS. 
 
 *' child to be educated to a flave,'^ fays a phiiof- 
 opher to a rich man, ** inftead of one (lave, you 
 '* wtW then have two.'* 
 
 It were well, therefore, if parents, upon fix- 
 ing their children in oneofthej'e houfes, would 
 exannine the abilities of the ufl^er as well as the 
 mailer; for whatever they are told to the 
 contrary, the ufher is generally the perfon mod 
 employed in their education. If, then, a gen- 
 tleman, upon putting out his fon to one of 
 ihefe houfes, fee the uflier difregarded by the 
 mafler, he may depend upon it that he is equal^ 
 \y difregarded by the boys : The truth is, in 
 fpiteofall their endeavours to pleafe, they are 
 generally the laughing flock of the fchool. Eve- 
 ry trick is played upon the ulher : The oddity of 
 his manners, his drefs, or his language, are a fund 
 of eternal ridicule. The mafber himfelf, now 
 and then, cannot avoid joining in the laugh ; 
 and the poor wretch, eternally relenting his ill 
 iilage, feems to live in a ftate of war with all 
 the family. This is a very proper perfon, Is ic 
 not to give children a relidi for learning ? they 
 rnufr efteem learning very much, when they fee 
 its profeffors ufcd with fo little ceremony. if 
 the ufher be difpifed, the father may be afiuredj 
 his child will never be properly inftrufled. '■ 
 
 But let me (\ippofechat there are fome fchools : 
 without thefe inconveniences, where the mailers 
 and ulliers are men of learning, reputation, and ■ 
 afliduity. If there are to be found fuch, they 
 cannot be prifed in a (late fufFiciently. ^ A boy 
 will leara more true wifdomina publick fchooL 
 
E S S A Y S* 
 
 45 
 
 ;n a year, than by a private education in five. 
 It is not from mafters, but from their equals, 
 youth ]earn a knowledge of the world : The lit- 
 tle tricks they play each other, the punifhmenc 
 that freauenclv attends the commiflion, is a iufl 
 •pidure of the great world , and all the ways of 
 men are pradlifed in a publick fchool in minia- 
 ture. It is true a child is early made acquaint- 
 ed with fome vices in fchool : But it is better lo 
 know thcfe when a boy, than be firft taught 
 them when a man j for their novelty then may 
 have irrefiflable charms. 
 
 In a publick education, boys early learn tem- 
 perance ; and if the parents and friends would 
 give them lefs money upon their ufual vifics, it 
 would be much to their advantage ; fince ic 
 may julUy be faid, that a great part of their dif- 
 orders arife from furfeit, Plus occidit gala qUam 
 zli^dius. 
 
 And, now I am come to the article of health, 
 it may not be amifs to obferve, that Mr. Locke 
 and fome others, have advifed that children 
 fliould be innured to cold, to fatigue and hard- 
 fliip, from I heir youth : But Mr. Locke was 
 but an indifFereni phyfician. Habit, I grants 
 has great influence over our conftitutions ; but 
 we have not precife id«fas upon this fubjecl. 
 
 Wc know, that among fr^vages, and even 
 among our peafants, the e srt fuund children 
 born with fuch conllitutions thar they crofs riv- 
 ers by fvvimming, endure cold, tiiirfl, , hunger, 
 ,and w;ip.t of deep, to a furprifingjjdegre^ ^ ihac 
 when they happen to fail fick, chey.a|: 
 E 
 
50 ESSAY S. 
 
 without the help of medicine, by nature alone. 
 Such examples are adduced to perluade us to 
 imitate their manncrr of education, and accuftom 
 ourfcivrs bctitiits to fupport ihe fame fatigues. 
 But had thcfc gentlemen confidered firft, how 
 many lives are left in this afcetick difcipline : 
 Had they con fidered, that thofefavages and peal- 
 anrs are generally not fo long lived as thofe who 
 have led a more indolent life ; that the more 
 laborious the life is, the iefs populous is the 
 country : Had they confidered that what phyfu 
 cians call ih^ftamini vit-^, by fatigue and labour 
 become rigid, and thus anticipate old age ; that 
 the numbers who furvive thofe rude trials, bear 
 no proportion to thofe who die in the experi- 
 ment. Had thefe things been properly confid- 
 ered, they would not have thus extolled an edu- 
 cation begun in fatigue and ^hardfnips. Peter 
 the Great, willing to innure the children of his 
 feamen to a life of hardfhip, ordered that they 
 fhould only drink fea water ; but they unfortu- 
 nately all died under the trial. 
 
 But while 1 would exclude all unnecefTary la- 
 bours, yet ftill I would recommend temperajuce 
 in the higheft degree. No luxurious difhes 
 ■with high feafoning-j nothing given to children 
 to force an appetite ; as little fugared or faked 
 provifions as pofTible, though ever fo pleafing ; 
 but milk, morning and night fhould be their 
 conftant food. This diet would make them 
 more healthy than any of thofe flops that are uf- 
 iially cooked by the miflrefs of a boarding 
 fchool ', befides, it corrects any confumiptivc 
 
 habits, 
 
fe S S A Y S. 51 
 
 habits, nottinfrequenLly found aniongft the chil- 
 dren of city parents. 
 
 As boys fhoiild be educated with temperance^ 
 fo the firll, greateft le/Ton that fhouid be taught 
 them,, is, to admire frugality. It is by the ex- 
 ercife of this virtue alone, they can ever expe6b 
 to be ufcful members of fociety. It is true, lec- 
 tures continually repeated upon this fubjedt, 
 may makefome boys when they grov/ up, ru« 
 into an extreme, and become mifers ; but it were 
 well, had we more mifers than v/e have am.ong 
 us. I know few charadlers more ufeful in foci- 
 ety ; for, a man's having a larger or fmaller 
 Ihareof money lying ufelefs by him, no way 
 injures the commonvvealth ; fince, ihould every 
 mifer now exhaud his ftores, this might make 
 gold more plenty, but ic would nor incieafe the 
 commodities or pieafures of life; they would 
 ilill remain as thity are at prefent : It matters 
 not, therefore, whether men are mif:rrs or nor, 
 if they be only frugal, laborious, and fiU the 
 ftation they have chofcn. If they deny them- 
 felvesthe necefTaries of life^ fociety is ao way 
 injured by their folly. 
 
 Indead, therefore, cf romances, which praife 
 young m.en offpirit, who go through a variety 
 of adventures and at lait conclude a life of dif- 
 fipation, folly and extravagance, in riches and 
 matrimony, there fliould be fome men.of wic 
 employed to compofe books that might equally 
 kirerefl the paffions of our youth, where fuch an 
 one might be prai fed for having refilled allure- 
 menxawhen young, and how he, at lad:, became 
 
 lord 
 
>2^ essays: 
 
 lord mayor ; how he was married to a lady of 
 great i^^nCc, fortune and bfauty. To be as ex* 
 plicit as poiTible, the old flory of Wbitrington, 
 were his cat lefx our, rr)ighc be more ferviGt^ablc 
 to the tender mind, than either Tom Jones, 
 Jofcph Andrews, or an hundred others, where 
 frugality is the only good quality the hero is 
 not pofiVffed of. Were our fchooimafters, if 
 iny of them, have fenfe enough to draw up fuch 
 a work, thus employed, it v;ould be much more- 
 ferviceable to their pupils, than all the gram- 
 mars and d.id:ionariesthey may publjlji thefe teii^ 
 3'ears. 
 
 Children fhould early be inflrudled In the- 
 arts from which they may afterwards draw the 
 greateft advantages. When, the wonders of na- 
 ture are never expofed to our view, we have 
 no great defire to become acquainted with thofe 
 parts of learning which pretend to account for 
 the phenomena. One of the ancients com- 
 plaints, that as foon as young men have lefc 
 ichool, and are obliged to convert in the world, 
 ihi^Y fancv themfelves tranfported into a new re-^ 
 gion. *' lit cum 171 forum vencrint exijliment Je, 
 in aliani tcrrarum orhem delatosT We fhould 
 early therefore, inftrudt them in the experi- 
 ments, if I may fo exprefs it, of knowledge, and 
 leave to macurer ao^e the accountinof for the 
 caufes. Bat inftead of that, when boys begia. 
 natural philofophy in colleges, they have not 
 theleail: curiofity for thofe parts of the fcience 
 vyhich are propofed for xheir inftruction : i hey 
 Inve never before fee n the phenomena, ani 
 
 confeq^uently. 
 
E S S A Y S. .53 
 
 Gonfequentiy have no curi'Ofuy to learn the rea- 
 fons. Might natural philoibphy, theretore, be 
 made their paft time at fchool,. by this means k 
 would in college become their amufemcnt. 
 
 In leveral of the machines now in ufe, there 
 would be ample field both for inftrudllon.and 
 gmufement *. The different forts of the phofpho- 
 rus, the artificial pyrites,, magnetifm, electrici- 
 ty, the experiments upon the rarefaction and 
 weightofthe air, and thofe upon elallick bodies 
 might employ their idle hours ; and none fnould 
 be called from play to fee fuch experiments but 
 fuch as choughc proper. At firft, then, it would 
 be fufficient if the indruments,, and the effccls'^ 
 of their combination, were only fliown : The 
 caufes (hould be deferred to a m.atiirer age, or 
 to thofe times when natural curiofity prompts 
 us to difcovcr the works of nature. Man is 
 placed in this world as a fpe6lator : When he is 
 tired of wondering at all the novelties about 
 him,, and not till then, does the denre to be 
 made acc}uainted with the caufes tliac create 
 thofe wonders,- 
 
 What I have obferved with regard to natural 
 philofophy, 1 would extend to @<:ery other fci- 
 ence whatfoever. We fhould teach them as 
 many of the fa6ls as polTible, and defer the cauf- 
 es, until they feemed of themfelves defirous of 
 knowing them. A m.ind thus leaving fchool, 
 Sored with all the fimple experience of fcience, 
 wouid be the fitted in the world for the college 
 courfe; and, though fuch a youth might nor 
 appear fo bright, or fo talkative, as thofe ^^ho 
 
 E Z- had. 
 
54 ESSAYS. 
 
 had learned the real principles and caufes of 
 fome of the fciences, yet he would make a wifer 
 manj and would retain a more lading paffiorr 
 for letters, than he who was early burdened 
 v/ith the difagreeable inflitution of caufe and ef- 
 fed-. 
 
 In hi (lory, fuch ftories alone fliould be laid 
 before them as might catch the imagination i 
 Inllead of this, acpiefent, they are too frequent- 
 ly obliged to toil through the four empires, as 
 they are called, where their memories are bur- 
 dened by a number of difgufting names, that 
 dcilroy all their future reiiih for our beft 
 hillorians, who may be termed the trueft teach- 
 ers ofvvildom. 
 
 Every fpecies of flattery fhould be carefully 
 avoided. A boy who happens to fay a fpright- 
 3y thing is generally applauded fo much, thac 
 he fometimes continues a coxcomb all his life 
 after. He is reputed a wit at fourteen, and be- 
 comes a blockhead at twenty. Nurfes, foot- 
 men, and fuch, fhould therefore be driven awa/ 
 as much as poflible. I was even going to add,. 
 that the mother herfelf iliould (lifle her pleafure, 
 or her vanity, when little mailer happens 
 to fay a good or a fmart thi^ng. Thofc modefb 
 lubberly boys, who feem to v^ant fpirir, become 
 at length more fhining men, andat fchcol gtrn- 
 eraily go through thtir bufinefs with mor^e eafe 
 to themfelveSj, and more fatisfadion to their 
 inftrudlors. 
 
 There has of late a gentleman appeared, who 
 thinks the ftudy of rhetorick eiTential to a per- 
 
 fed 
 
ESSAYS, Kn 
 
 jv 
 
 1 
 
 •lecb education. That bold male eloquence, 
 which often;, without pleafing, convinces^ is 
 generally deftroyed by iuch an inftitution. Con- 
 vincing eloquence is infinitely more ferviceabls 
 to its poflrlTor than the moft florid harangue, 
 or the mud pathetick tones that can be imagin- 
 ed ; and the man who is thoroughly convinced 
 himfeif, who underftands his fubjetlH:, and the 
 language he fpeal<s is, will be more apt to filence 
 oppofition, than he who (tudies the force of his 
 periods, and fill our ears with founds, while our 
 minds are defticutc of convidion. 
 
 It was reckoned the fault of the orators at 
 the decline of the Roman empire, when they, 
 had long been inllructed by rhetoricians, that 
 their periods- were fo- harmonious, that they 
 could be fung as well as fpoken. What a ri- 
 diculous figure miud oneofthefe gentlemen cur, 
 thus meafuring fyllables and weighing woids^ 
 when he fliould plead the caiife of his cliant 1 
 Two architeds were once candidates for the 
 building a certain temple at Athens. The firfl 
 harangued the crowd verv learnedly upon the 
 difff/renc orders of architedure, and ihowed 
 them in what mianner iht temple fhould be 
 built ; the other, w^ho got up after him, only 
 obferved, that what his broiher had fpoken he 
 could do: And thus he at once gained his caufe. 
 
 To reach men to be orators, is iitlelefs than 
 to teach them to be poets j and, for my part, I 
 ibould have too great a regard for my child, to 
 wifh him a minor only in a bookfcHers Ihop. 
 
 i\riothe'r. -■ " 
 
§6 ESSAYS. 
 
 Another paQion vvhlch the prefcnt age is ape 
 to run into, is to make children learn all things: 
 the languages, the rciences,mu{kk,theexercirts, 
 and painting. Thus the cniid loon brcoiiies a 
 Talker in all, bu: a mafter in none. He thus 
 acquires a luperficial fondnefs for every thing;. 
 and only fhov/s his ignorance,when he attempts 
 to exhibit his fkill. 
 
 As I deliver my thoughts without metliod od 
 conne6lion, \o the reader mnil not be furprifed 
 JO find me once more addrtfi'irig fchoolmadrrs 
 on the prefent method of teaching the learned 
 languages, which is commonJv by literal tranf- 
 Jations. I would alTi fuch, ifthey were to travel 
 ajourney, whether thofc- parts of the road in 
 which they found the greaieft diiliculties would 
 not be the mod flrongly remembered t Boys 
 who, if I may continue the allufion, gallop 
 through one of the ancientsvvith the adidance 
 <of a tranllation,, can have but a very flight 
 acquaintance either with the author or his Ian- 
 ♦j[ua-ie.. It is by the exsrcife of the mind alone,, 
 that alimguage is learned j but a literal tranfla- 
 t-ion on the oppofite page,, kaves^ no exercife 
 for the mejiiory at alL. The boy will not be at: 
 the fatigue of remt* m»bering,, v^hen his doubts 
 •are at once fatisficd by a glance of the eye ; 
 whereas, were every word to be fought from a- 
 di«61:ionary, the learner would attempt to remem- 
 ber them, to fave hHiifclf the trouble of looking 
 oui for the future. 
 
 To continue inthefimepedanrick drain, of all- 
 tht various grammars now taught in the fchools 
 
 about 
 
ESSAYS. 
 
 57 
 
 about town, I would recommend only the old 
 common one:. I have forgot whether Lily's, or 
 an emendatioa of him. The others may be 
 improvements ; but fuch improvements fcem 
 to me onjy mere grami-jiarical niceties, no way 
 influencing the learner, but perhaps lociding 
 him with rrifiing fubtilties, which, ac a proper 
 age, he mud be at fome pains to forget. 
 
 Whatever pains a mafter may take to make 
 the learning of the languages agreeable to his 
 pupil, he may depend upon it, it will be ar fuil 
 extremely unpleaianc. The rudiments of every 
 language, therefore, muft be given as a rafk, 
 not as an amufement. Attempting, to deceive 
 children into inftrudlion of this kind, is only 
 deceiving ourfelves : And I know no paHion 
 capable of conquering a child's natural lazinefs;, 
 but fear. Solomon has faid it before me ; nor 
 is there anymore certain, though perhaps more 
 difagreeable truth, than the proverb in verfe,. 
 too well known to repeat on the prefent ccca- 
 rion. It is very probable that parents are told 
 of fome rnafters who never ufe the rod, and • 
 confequently are thought the propereil infiruc^. 
 tors for their children j but though tendernef^ 
 is a requifire quality in an inllruftor, yet there 
 is too often the trued tendernefs in well timed 
 corredion. 
 
 Some have juftly obferved, that all pafTion 
 fhould be banifhed on this terrible occafion ; 
 but I know not how, there is a frailty attendino* 
 huriian nature, that few mailers are able to keep 
 '^.'leir temper whilft they correa:. I knew a good. 
 
 natured 
 
58 ESSAYS. 
 
 natured man, who was fenfible of his own weak- 
 nels in this rerpe<5t> and cof.fcquently had re^ 
 GOurfeto thefoliowing expedient ro prevent his 
 pafiions from being engaged, yet at the fame 
 time adminiller jullicewith imparriality. When- 
 ever any of his pupils committed a fault, he 
 fumiiioned a jury of his peers, I mean of the 
 boys of his own or the next clalTes to him : His 
 ■^ccufers flood forth ; he had liberty of pleading 
 in his awn defence, and one or two miore had 
 the liberty of pleading againil him: When 
 found guilty by the jury,. he was configned to 
 the footman who attended in the hpufc, and 
 who had had previous orders to punifh, but 
 with lenity. By this mearS, the maftir took 
 off the odium of punithment from himfclf j 
 and the footman, between whom and the boys 
 there could not be even the (lightefl: intimacv? 
 was placed in fuch a light as to be liiunned by 
 every boy in the fchook 
 
 ESSAY VIII. 
 
 N alehoufe keeper near Iflington, who had 
 long lived at the C^^_^n of the French King,, 
 upon the commencement of the lad war with 
 France, pulled down hi-sold fign, and put up thac 
 of the Queen of Hungary. Under the influ- 
 ence of her red face and golden fceptre, he con- 
 finned to fell ale, till fhe was no longer the fa* 
 vourite of his cuRomers : He changed her^ 
 
 therefore^ 
 
E S S A Y So 5^ 
 
 therefore, fometime ago, for the King of PruHia, 
 who may probably be changed, in turn, for the 
 next great man that lliali be fet up for vulgar 
 £d mi ration. 
 
 Our publican, in this, imitates the great ex- 
 a6lly, who deal out their figures, one after the 
 other, to the giJzing crowd. When we have 
 fufficiently wondered at one, it is taken in, and 
 another exhibited in its room, v/hich feldom 
 holds its Ration long, for the mob are ever 
 plcafed with variety^ 
 
 I mud own I have fiich an indifTerent opin- 
 ';ion of the vulgar, that I am ever led to fufped: 
 that merit which raifes their (bout ; at leaft I 
 am certain to find thofe ureat, and fometimes 
 good men, who find fatisfadion in fych acclama- 
 tions, made worfs by it j and hiilory has too 
 frequently taught me, that the head which has 
 this day grown giddy v»^ith the roar of the miil- 
 lion, has, the very next, been fixediipon a pole. 
 
 As Alexander VI. was entering a little town 
 in the neighbouihood of Rome, which had been 
 juft evacuated by the enemy, he perceived the 
 cownfmen bufy in the market place, in pulling 
 down from a gibbet a fio;ure which had been de- 
 figned to reprefent himfelf. There v/ere feme 
 aifo knocking down a neighbouring llatue of one 
 of the Orfini family, with v/hom he was at war, 
 in order to put Alexander's effioy in its place. 
 It is poflible a man who knew lefs of the world 
 would have condemned the adulation of thofe 
 barefaced flatterers ; but Alexander feemed 
 pleafed at: their zeal, and, turning to Borgia his 
 
 fon, 
 
^'o £ S S A Y S. 
 
 fon, fa'ki with a fmile, vides, mi fJiy quam Ic^e 
 difcrimcn fatibidum inter et ftatuam. *^ You 
 fee, my Ton, the fmall difference between a gib- 
 bet and a flatue." If the orreac could be taught 
 any leifon, this might fcrve to reach them upon 
 how weak a foundation their glory (lands j for, 
 as popular applaufe is elicited by what feems 
 like merit, it as quickly condemns what has 
 'Only the appearance of guilr. 
 
 Popukr glory is a perfect coquet; her lov- 
 ers mi'ft toil, feel ever inquietude, indulge eve- 
 j'y caprice, and perhaps, at lafl, be jilted for 
 fheir pains> True glory, on the other hand, 
 •refembles a woman of fenfe ; her admirers muft 
 play no tricks; they feel no great anxiety, for 
 they are fure, in the end, of being rewarded in' 
 proportion to their merit. When Swift ufed 
 to appear in publick, he generally had the mob 
 fliouting in his train. *' Pox take thefe fools," 
 he would fay 5 *^ how much joy might ail this 
 bawling give my Lord Mayor ? 
 
 We have feen thofe virtues, which have, 
 ■while living, retired from the publick eye, gen*- 
 eraily tranfmitted to pollerity, as the truefl ob- 
 jedls of admiration and praife. Perhaps the 
 charader of the late Duke of Marlborough may 
 one day be fet up, even above that of his more 
 talked of predeceffor ; fince an affemblage of 
 all the mild and amiable virtues are far fuperior 
 to thofe vulguhrly called the great ones. I 
 muft: be pardoned for this fhorc tribute to the 
 memory of a man, who, while living:, would 
 as much deteft t© receive any thing that 
 
 wore 
 
ESSAYS. 6£ 
 
 w»re the appearance of flattery, as I fhould to 
 offer it. 
 
 I know not how to turn fo trite afubjedbout 
 of the beaten road of common place, except by 
 illuftrating it, rather by the afilftance of my 
 memory than judgment; and inftead of making 
 refiedlions by telling a ftory. 
 
 A Chincfc who had long Hudied the works 
 of Confucius, who knew the charaders of four- 
 teen thoufand words, and could read a great 
 part of every book that came in his wav, once 
 took it into his head to travel into Europe, 
 and obferve the cuftoms of a people whom he 
 thought not very much inferior even to his own 
 countrymen, in the arts of refining upon every 
 pleafure. Upon his arrival at Amilerdam, his 
 paffion for letters naturally led him to a bock- 
 feller's fhop ; and as he could fpeak a litdc 
 Dutch, he civilly af]<ed the bookfcller for the 
 works of the immortal Xixofou. The book- 
 feller afTured him he had never heard- the book 
 mentioned before. " What, have you never 
 '^ heard of that immortal poet ?" returned the 
 other much furpriled, ** that light of the eyes, 
 '* that favourite of kings, that rofe of perft6lion! 
 ** I fuppofe you know nothing of the immortal 
 *' Fipfihihijfecondcounntothe moon ?" **Nc)th- 
 *' ing at all, indeed fir," retutncd the other. 
 ** Alas!" cries our traveller, " to what purpc fe, 
 ** then, hath one of thefe failed to death, and the 
 '* other offered himfelf op ns a faciifice to the 
 ** Tartar enemy, to gain a renown winch has 
 ** fiwver traveiled beyond theprecindls cfChina l'^ 
 
 ' F Thtrc 
 
Si ESSAYS. 
 
 There is fcarce a village in Europe, and not 
 one univerfity, thac is not thus furnifhed wiih 
 its little great men. The head of a petty cor- 
 poration, who oppofes the defigns of a prince 
 who would tyrannically force his fubjeds to 
 fave their beil clothes for Sundays; the puny pe- 
 dant, who finds one undifcovered quality in the 
 polype, or defcribes an unheeded procefs in the 
 fkeleton of a mole, and whofe mind, like his 
 microfccpe, perceives nature only in detail ; the 
 rhymer, who makes fmooth verles, and paints 
 to our imagination, when he fhould only fpeak to 
 our hearts : All equally fancy themfeh'es 
 walking forward to immortality, and defire the 
 crowd behind them to look on. The crowd 
 taks them at their word. Patriot, philofopher, 
 and poet are fliouted in their turn. ''^'Where 
 *' was there ever fo much merit feen ? no times 
 *^ fo important as our own; ages yet unborn 
 *' fliall gaze w^th wonder and applaufe !'' To 
 fuch muiick, the important pigmy moves for- 
 ward, builling and fwelling, and aptly compared 
 to a puddle in aftorm. 
 
 I have lived to fee generals who once had 
 crowds hallooing after them wherever they went, 
 who were bcpraifed by newfpapers and maga- 
 zines, thofe echoes of the voice of the vulgar, 
 jind ye: they have long funk into merited ob- 
 fcurity, with fcarce even an eitaph left to flat- 
 ter. A few years ago, the herring fifhery em- 
 ployed all Grubftreet ; it was the topiclc in every 
 coffee houfe, and the burden of every ballad. 
 We are to drag up oceans of gold from the 
 
 bottom 
 
ESSAYS. 63 
 
 bottom of the Tea ; we were to fupply all Eu- 
 rope with herrings upon our own ternns. Ac 
 prefent we hear no more of all this. We have 
 fifhed up very little gold that I can learn j nor 
 do we furniih the world with herrings, as was 
 expedled. Let us wait but a few years longer, 
 and we (hall find ail our expedations aa herring 
 £(hery. 
 
 ESSAY XI. 
 
 WE efTayifts, who are allowed but one fub^- 
 je(5t at a time, are by no means fo for- 
 tunate as the writers of magazines, who v/rite 
 upon feveral. Ifamagaziner be dull upon the 
 Spanifh war, he foon hasus up. again v/irh the 
 ghoft in Cocklane :. Ifthe reader begins to doze 
 upon that, he is quickly roufed by an eaftern 
 tale ; tales prepare us for poetry^ and poetry foF 
 the meteorologicial hiilory of the weather. It 
 is the life and foul of a magazine not to be 
 long dull upon onefubjedl ; and the reader, like 
 the failor's horfe, has at lead, the comfortable re« 
 frefhment of having the fpur often changed. 
 
 As I fee no reafon why thefe Ihould carry off 
 all the rewards of genius, I have fome thoughts, 
 for the future, of making my effays a magazine 
 in miniature : I flaall hop from fubjefl to fubjeft, 
 and, if properly encouraged, I intend in time to 
 adorn my feuille volara with pii5tu;cs. Bur, t© 
 begin. in. the ufual form. 
 
 A MODEST 
 
64 ESSAYS. 
 
 'J[ MODEST ADDRESS to the PUBLICK, 
 
 in behalf of the Ih^ekh Ah Magazine. 
 
 THE publick has been fo often impofed 
 npon by the unperforming promifes of others, 
 that it is with the utmoft modefty we affure 
 them of our inviolable defign to give the very 
 bed colledtion that ever aftonifhed fociety* 
 The publick we honour and regard ; and there* 
 fore toinilruft and entertain them, is our high- 
 eft ambition, v;ith labours calculated as well to 
 the head as the heart. \( four extraordinary 
 pases of letter prefs be any recommendation of 
 our wit, we may at leaft boaft the honour of vin- 
 dicating our own abilities. To fay more in favour 
 of the Infernal Magazine, would be un- 
 worthy the publick ; to fay Jefs would be inju- 
 rious to ourfelves. As we have no interefled mo-, 
 tives for this undertaking, being a fociety of 
 gentleman ofdiftinclion,wedifdain to eat or write 
 like hirelings : We are all gentlemen, and there- 
 fore are refolved to iell our magazine for fix 
 pence, merely for our own amufemenr. 
 
 Be careful to afk for the Infernal Magazine* 
 DEDICATION 
 
 To that moR ingenious of all Patrons 
 
 The Tripoline Ambassador. 
 
 May it pleafe your Excellency y 
 
 AS your tafte in the fine arts is univerfall)^ 
 allowed and admired, permit the authors of the 
 Infernal Magazine to lay the following fheets 
 
 humbly 
 
ESSAYS. 65 
 
 humbly at your Excellency's toe ; and, fhould 
 our labours ever have the happinefs of one day 
 adorning the Court of Fez we doubt not that 
 the influence wherewith we are honoured, fhall 
 be ever retained with the molt warm ardour, by,. 
 May it pleafe'your Excellency, 
 
 your mod devoted humble fervants, 
 the authors of the Infernal Magazine, 
 
 A S P E E C M, 
 
 Spoken by the Indigent Philosopher, to perl 
 fuade his club at Cateaton not to declare 
 war again ft Spain. 
 
 MY honefl: fi-iends and brother politician?, 
 r perceive that the intended war with Spain 
 makes many of you uneafy. Yefterday, as we 
 were told, the ftocks rofe, and you- were glad ; 
 to day they fell, and you are again miferable. 
 But, mv dear friends, what is the rifing or the 
 falling of the flocks to us, who have no money ? 
 Let Nathan Ben Funk, the Dutch Jew, be glad 
 or forry for this y but, my good Mr. Bellowf- 
 mender,, what is all this to you or me ? You 
 mud mend broken bellows, and I write bad 
 profe, as long as we live, whether we like a 
 Spanilli war or not.- Believe me my honeft 
 friends^ whatever you may talk of liberty and 
 your own reafon, both that liberty and reafon 
 are conditionally refigned by every poor man in 
 every fociety ; and as we are born to work, fo 
 others are born; to watch over us while we are 
 working. In the name of common fenfe, then^ 
 
 F 2 ny 
 
<y6 £ S S A Y S. 
 
 my good friends, let the great keep watch ovei*, 
 us, and let us mind our bufinefs, and perhaps 
 we may at laft ^et money ourfclves, and fee 
 beggars tovvork in our turn. 1 have a latin 
 fentence that is worth its weight in gold, and 
 which 1 fnall beg leave to tranflate for your in- 
 ilrudlion. An author, called Lilly's Grammar^ 
 finely obfcrves, that ^^JIs in prafenti perfc^um 
 *^ format ;'* That is, '' ready m^oney makes a 
 ** perfedl man." Let us then, to become per- 
 le<5l men, get ready money -, and let them iht4. 
 will, fpend theirs by going to war with Spain. 
 
 R U L E S FOR BEHAVIOUR, 
 
 SE>RAWN UP BY THE INDIGENT PhILOSCPHER\ 
 
 3F you be a rich man, you may enter tne 
 room with three loud hems, march deiiberareif 
 ijpto the chimney, and turn your back to the 
 iire. If you be a poor man, I would advife you 
 to fhrink into the room as faft as you can, and 
 place yourfclf, as ufual, upon the corner of a 
 chair in a remote corner. 
 
 When you are defired to firig in company, I 
 would advife you to rcfufe ; for, it is a thoufand 
 to one but that you torment us with affectation, 
 ignorance of miufick, or a bad voice. 
 
 If you be youniz, and live with an old man, I 
 would advife you not to like gravy j I was dif- 
 inherited m/felf for liking gravy. 
 
 Don't laugh much in publick; the fpedlarors- 
 ^uc arq not as ir.ei^i/ a§ jou^ will hateyoi:,. 
 
 giuer 
 
ESSAYS. 6f 
 
 ^ith-er becaufe they envy your happlnefs, or fan^ 
 €y themfelves the lubjecl of your mirih. 
 
 RULES FOR RAISING THE D E V I L. 
 
 Tran dated from the La-tint of Dan^^us de. 
 SoRTiARiis, a writer cotemporary mik 
 (Talvin, and one of the reformers of ou.i'/ 
 Church,, 
 
 THE perfon whodeHres to raife the Der^. 
 il, is to facrifice a dog, a car, and a hen, ail of 
 his own propertv, to Beelzebub. He is to 
 fwear anett-rnal obedience, and then to receive 
 a mark in fome unken..^ place, either under the 
 eyelid or in the roof of the mouth, inQicted by 
 the devil himfelfr Upon this, he has power 
 given him over three Ipirits ; one for earth, an- 
 other for air, and a third for the Tea. Upon 
 certain times, the devil? holds an afiVrnbly ..of 
 magicians, in .which each is to give an account of 
 what evil he has done, and what he wiilies to do. 
 At this affembly he appears in the fbape of ao; 
 old man, or often like a goat v/ith large horns. 
 They, upon thisoccafion, renew their vows of 
 obcrdience ; and then forma grand dance in 
 honour of their falfe deitv . The devil inftruds 
 them in every m.echod of injuring mankind, in 
 gathering poifons, and of riding, upon occafion, 
 ihrough the a.-r. He fbows . them the whole 
 method, upon examination, of givin^j^ evafiv.e 
 anfwers. His fpirits have power to afTjme the 
 form gf angei§ of Ji^hr, ar^d there is but oim 
 
 method 
 
©3 ESSAY S. 
 
 method of detecling them, viz. to ailc rhern, In 
 proper form, what method is the mod certain 
 to propagate the faith over all the world ? To 
 this they are not permitted by the fuperior pow- 
 er to make a falfe reply ; nor are they willing 
 to give the true one ;. wherefore they continue 
 fdenc, and are thus detedled. 
 
 E S S A Y X. 
 
 THOUGH naturally penfive, yet lam fond 
 of gay com.pany, and take every oppor-- 
 tunity of thus difmifTing the miod from duty. 
 From this motive, 1 am often found in the cen- 
 tre of a crowd ; and v/herever pleafure is to be 
 fold, am always a purchafer. In thofe places, 
 without being remarked by any, I join in what- 
 ever goes forward, work my paffions into a- 
 limilitude of frivolous earneflnefs, lliout as they 
 (liout, and condem.n as they happen to difap- 
 prove. A. mind thus funk for a while below its- 
 natural frandard, is qualified for ftronger flights,, 
 as thofe firlt retire who would fpring forward- 
 with greater vigour. 
 
 Attracted by the ferenity of the evening, a^ 
 friend and I lately went to gaze upon the com- 
 pany in ofte of the publick walks near the city. 
 Here we- fauntered together for fome time, eith- 
 er praifing the beauty of fuch as were handfome,. 
 or the drtfles of fuch as had nothing elfe to re- 
 commend chsm. We had gone thus deliberately 
 
 forv/ard 
 
ESSAYS. 69 
 
 forward for feme time, when my friend 
 Hoppincr on a fudden. caught me by the elDow 
 and led me out of the publick walk; I couid 
 perceive by the quicknefs of his pace, and by 
 his frequently looking behind, that he was at- 
 temptincT to avoid fomebody who folio vv-ed. We 
 now turned to the right, then to the left 5 as 
 we went forward, he dill went fader ; but in 
 vain : The perfon whom he attempted to eicape^ 
 hunted us through every doubling, and gained 
 upon us each moment; fo that, at iaft, we fairly 
 ftood ftill, refolving to face what we could no£ 
 
 avoid, 1 » • 1 
 
 Our purfuer foon came up, and joined us 
 with all the familiariry.of an old acquaintance, 
 ''My dear Charles," cried he, (baking my 
 friend^s hand, where have you been hiding this 
 *' half century ? Pofitively I had fancied yoia 
 ** were gone down to cultivate matiimony 
 <' and your edate in the country.'* During the 
 reply, I had an opportunity of furveying the 
 appearance of our ne-v companion. His hac 
 was pinched up with peculiar fmartnefs ; his 
 looks were pale, thin, and (harp ; round his 
 neck he wore a broad black ribbon, and m his 
 bofom a buckle dudded with glafs ; his coac 
 was trimmed with tarnidied twid ; he wore by 
 his fide a fword with a black hilr •, and his dock- 
 ings of filk, though newly waihed, were grown 
 yetlow by long fervice. I was fo much engaged 
 with the peculiarity of his drefs, that I at- 
 tended only to the latter part of mv friend's 
 reply i m which he complimented Mr. Tibba 
 ^ ^ on 
 
7^: ESSAY S. 
 
 on the tafte of his clothes, and the bloom lit 
 his countenance. " PlTia, plha, Gharles," cri- 
 ed the figure, '^ no more of thac if you love me y 
 *' you know I hate flattery 5 on my foul 1 do ; 
 *' and yet to be lure> an intimacy with 
 •* the great will improve one's appearance, and 
 ** a courfeof venifon will fatten ; and yet, faith i 
 dclpife the great as much as you do : But there 
 arc a great many damned honeft fellows a- 
 mong them ; and we mufl not quarrel with 
 ^' one fulf, becaufe the other v/ants breeding-. 
 «* It they were all fuch as my Lord Mudler, 
 <' one of the moit good natured ceatures that 
 *^ ever fqueezed a lemon, 1 fliould my felf be 
 *^ among the number of their admirers, 1 was 
 *^ yederday to dine at the Duichefs of Picca- 
 '* diily'ii. My Lord was there. *' Ned,'' fays he 
 to me, »' Ned,'"rays he, ** Til hold gold to Ci]- 
 •* ver, I '"ell where you v/ere poaching laft 
 ** night." '^ Poaching, my Lord," fays I j '' faith - 
 '•^you have miiTed already ; for I ilaid at home> 
 *^ and let the girls poach for me. That's my 
 *^' way : I take a fine woman as fome animals do 
 •' their prey ; ftand Hill, and fwoop they fall 
 ** into my mouth." 
 
 '* Ah, Tibbs, thou art an happy fellow,'* 
 cried my companion, with looks of infinite pity, 
 *^ I hope your fortune is as much improved as 
 *' your underPcanding in fuch company," **Im- 
 ** proved ?" replied the other -, ** you (hall 
 " knov;— but let it go no farther — a great fecret 
 " — five hundred a year to begin with. My- 
 .^^Lprd's- word of honour for-ic. — ^' His Lordfhi^. 
 
E S S A ,Y S. 7:t 
 
 '•^^ took me down in his ov/n chariot yerrcrcUy", 
 ^' and we had a tete a tece dinner in the coun- 
 '"jry, where we talked of nothing elfe." ** I fan- 
 *^ cy you forgot, Sir," cried I, *^you told us 
 *' but this moment of your dining yefterday in 
 ** town.'* *'Did I fay fo?'' replied hecooly. To 
 *\ be fure if 1 faid (o^ it was fo.— Dined in 
 '^^ town ! egad, now I do remember 1 did dine 
 *"^'in town ; but I dined in the country too : For 
 *^ you mud know, my boys, I eat two dinners, 
 *^ By the by, I am grown as nice as the devil 
 *' in m.y eating. I'll tell you a pleafant affai'r 
 '^ about that : We were a k\t€t party of us to 
 '^ dine at Lady Grogram^s, an affeded piece ; 
 '^ but \tt it go no farther — a fecret : — Well, 
 *' fays 1, ril hold a thoufand guineas, and fay 
 *^ done firfl:, that — But, dear Charles, you arc 
 an honej]j creature ; lend me half a crown 
 for a minute or two, or fo, juft till — But 
 hark'e, z(k me for it next time we meet, or 
 *' it may be twenty to one but I forget to pay 
 "^^you." 
 
 When he left us, our converfation naturally 
 turned upon (o extraordinary a charader. *' Hi3 
 *f very drefs," cries my friend, *^ is not \t^iS ex- 
 *^ traordinary than his condud. If you m.ccc 
 ^* him this day, you find him in rags ; if tl>c 
 *^ next, in embroidery. With thofe perfons of 
 ** diftindlion, of whom he talks fo familiarly, he 
 ** has fcarce a coffee houfe acquaintance. How- 
 *^ ever, both for the intereft of fociety, and per- 
 ^ haps for his own, heaven has made him poor; 
 ^^ and, while ail the world perceives his wants^^ 
 
 ^^he 
 

 ESSAYS. 
 
 *^ he fancies them concealed from every eye, 
 " An agreeable companion, becaufe he under- 
 *^ (lands flattery ; and all muft be pleafed with 
 ** the firft part of his converfation, though all 
 ** are fure of its ending with a demand on their 
 " piirfe. While his youth countenances the 
 ** icvity of his condudl, he may thus earn a pre- 
 " carious fubfidence ; but when age comes on, 
 ** the gravity of which is incompatible with 
 *' buffoonery, then will he find himfelf forfaken 
 •^ by all j condemned, in the decline of life, to 
 ** hang upon fome rich family, whom he once 
 ** difpifed, there to undergo all the ingenuity 
 *^ of Ihidied contempt; to be employed only 
 *' as a fpy upon the fervants, or a bugbear to 
 ** frighten children into duty/' 
 
 ESSAY XL 
 
 THERE are fome acquaintances whorr^it is 
 no eafy matter to fliake off. My little 
 beau yefterday overtook me again in one of the 
 publick walks, and flapping me on the flioulder, 
 faluted me with an air of the mod perfe6l fa- 
 milii-* ity. His drefs was the fame as ufual, ex- 
 cept that he had more powder in his hair, wore 
 a dirtier fliirt, and had on a pair of temple fpec- 
 tacles, wi[h his hat under his arm. 
 
 As I knew him to be a harmlefs amufing 
 little thing, I could not return his fmiles v;itli 
 any degree utmoft intimacy, and in a few min-» 
 
 utcs 
 
ESSAYS. 73 
 
 utes difcufTed all the ufual topics of a general 
 converfation. 
 
 The oddities that marked his chara6ter, how^ 
 ever, foon began to appear : He bowed to fev* 
 eral well drefl'ed perfons, who, by their manner 
 of returning the compliment, appeared perfe6l 
 ftrangers. At intervals he drew out a pocket 
 book, feeming to take memorandums before all 
 the company, with much importance and afli- 
 duity. In this manner he led me through the 
 length of the whole mall, fretting at his ab- 
 furdities, and fancying rnyfelf laughed at, as 
 well as he, by every fpeclator. 
 
 When we v^ere got to the end of o^r pro- 
 celTion, " Blalt me," cries he, with an air of 
 vivacity, " I never faw the park fo thin in my 
 life before ; there is no company at all to day, 
 not a fingle face to be feen." "No con^pa- 
 ny!" interrupted I, peevifhly; *' no compa- 
 ny where there is fuch a ci*0wd! Why, rnan^ 
 there is too much. W' h at are the thou fa nds 
 that have been laughing at us, but compa- 
 ny !" '• Lord, my dear," returned he with the 
 tUmoft good htamour, ''you ieem immeiifely 
 chagrined; bat, blaft me, when the world 
 laughs at me, I laugh at the World, and fo 
 we are even. My Lord Trip, Bill Squafh 
 "the'Creolian, and I, fometime^ niake a party 
 at being ridiculous ; and fo we fay and do a 
 tlioufand things for the joke's fake. But I 
 fee you are grave ; To if yoii are for a fine grave 
 fen timental companion, you fliall dine with 
 in y wife today; I mud infi'l on't. I'll in« 
 G "*' trjduce 
 
 (( 
 
 «« 
 
74 ESSAYS* 
 
 *' troduce you to Mrs. Tibbs, a lady of as ele* 
 " gant qualifications as any in nature: She was 
 •' bred (but that's between ourfelves) under the 
 *' infpeaion of the countefs of Shoreditch. A 
 "charming body of voice! But no more of 
 ** that; ihe (hall give us a fong. You ftiall 
 •' fee my little girl too, Carolina Wilhelmina 
 *' Amelia Tibbs, a fweet pretty creature. I de- 
 •' fign her for my Lord Drumftick's eldeR fon : 
 *' But thaf's in friendfhip, let it go no farther : 
 ** She's but fix years old, and yet (he walks a 
 ** minuet, and plays on the guitar immenfely al- 
 '' ready. I intend fhe fhail be as perfe6l as pof- 
 '' fible in every accomplifhment. In the firfl 
 *' place, ril make her a fcholar; I'll teach her 
 *' Greek myfelf, and I intend to learn that Ian- 
 *' guage purpofely to inflruft her ; but let that 
 *' be a fecret." 
 
 Thus faying, without waiting for a reply, he 
 took me by the arm, and hauled me along. We 
 palTed through many dark alleys and winding 
 ways • for, from fome motive, to me unknown, 
 he feenied to have a particular averfion to every 
 frequented ftreet : At laft, however, we got to the 
 door of a difmal looking houfe in the outlets of 
 the town, w^here he infomed me he chofe to re- 
 fide for the benefit of the air. 
 
 We entered the lower door, which feemed, 
 ever to lie moil: hofpitably open ; and I began to 
 afcend an old and creaking flair cafe; when, as 
 he mounted to fhow me the way, he demanded, 
 whether I delighted in profpe6ls ? to which an- 
 iVering in the affirmative, '' Then," f^ys he^ 
 
 ' ^« I 
 
ESSAYS. 
 
 it 
 
 I fhall (how you one of the moll ch.irmingout 
 •* of my windows ; we fhall fee the (hips failings 
 *' and the whole country for twenty miles 
 '' round, tip top quite high. My Lord Swamp 
 *^ would give ten thoufand guineas for fuch a 
 '' one; but, as I_fometimes pleafantly tell him, 
 '* I always love to keep my profpe6ls at home, 
 *' that my friends may come to fee me the 
 ** oftener.'* 
 
 By this time, we were arrived as high as the 
 flairs would permit us to afcend, till we came 
 to what he was facetioufly pleafed to call the 
 firfl floor down the chimney ; and knocking at 
 the door, a voice with a Scotch accent, from 
 within demanded, '' Wha's there ?" My con- 
 du6lor anfwered, that it was him. But this 
 not fatisfying the querill, the voice again re- 
 peated the demand ; to which he anfwered loud- 
 er than before, and now the door was opened by 
 an old maidfervant with cautious relu6lance. 
 
 When we were got in, he welcomed me to his 
 houfe with great ceremony, and, turning to the 
 old woman, afked where her lady was. '* Good 
 *•* troth,'' replied flie in the northern dialed;, 
 ** (he's waftiing your twa (hirts at the next door, 
 *' becaufe they have taken an oath againft Icnd- 
 ** ing out the tub any longer.'* *' My two 
 *' fhirts !'' cries he, in a. tone that faltered with 
 cpnfufion, " what does the ideot mean ?" "1 
 ** ken what I me^n well enough,*' replied the 
 other; '' fhe is walhing your twa fhirts at the 
 ** next door, becaufe" — " Fire and fury, no 
 ** more of thy flupid explanations/' cried he : 
 
 *' Go 
 
75 ESSAYS. 
 
 *^ Go and inform her we have got company, 
 *' Were that Scotch hag," continued he, turn- 
 ing to me, ** to be forev^er in my family, (he 
 *' would never learn politenefs, nor forget that 
 ** abfurd poifonous accent of hers, or teflify the 
 '• fmalleft fpecimen of breeding or high life; 
 " and yet it is very furprifing too, as I had her 
 " from a parliament man, a friend of mine, from 
 " the Highlands ; one of the politefl men in the 
 " woild; but that's a fecret." 
 
 We waited fome time for Mrs. Tibb*s ar- 
 lival, during which interval 1 had a full op- 
 portunity of furveying the chamber and all its 
 furniture, which confifted of four chairs with 
 old wrought boftoms. that he afTured me were 
 his wife's embroidery ; a fquare table that had 
 been once japanned, a cradle in one corner, a 
 lumber cabinet in the other; a broken fhep- 
 herdefs, and a mandarine without a head, were 
 fluck over the chimney; and round the v/alls 
 feveral paltry unframed piQures, which he ob- 
 ferved were all of his own drawing. *' What 
 ^' do you think, Sir, of that head in the corner, 
 '* done in the manner of Grifoni ? There's the 
 **' t.ue keeping in it; it is my own face ; and 
 *' though there happens to be no likenefs, a 
 '* countefs offered me a hundred for its fd^ 
 *' low : I refufed her, for, hang it, that would 
 ** be mechanical, you know/* 
 
 The wife, at lafl, made her appearance, at 
 once a flattern and a coquet; much emaciatedj 
 but ftill carrying the remains of beauty. She 
 made twenty apologies for being feen in fuch au 
 
 odious 
 
ESSAYS. 77 
 
 cdious dilhabille, but hoped to be excufed, as 
 fhehad (laid out all night at Vauxhall Gardens 
 with the countefs, who was exceffiveiy fond of 
 thQ horns. " And indeed, my dear/' added fhe, 
 turning to her hufband, *' his Lordfliip drank 
 ** your health in a bumper.'' '* Poor Jack/' 
 cries he, " a dear good natnred creature, I know 
 " he loves me. But Ihope, my dear, you have 
 ** given orders for dinner : You need make no 
 *^' great preparations neither ; there are but three 
 " of us; fomething elegant, and little will do ; 
 "a turbot, an ortolan, or a- — " '' Or what 
 ** do you . think, my dear," interrupts the wife, 
 ** of a nice pretty bit of ox cheekj piping hot, 
 *' and drelfed with a little of my own fauce ?" 
 '^Therery thing,'' replied "he ; '' it will eat befl 
 ** with fome fmart botded beer ; butbefureto 
 *' let us have the fauce his Grace was fo fond of. 
 *' 1 hate your immenfe loads of meat ; that is 
 *' country ail over; extreme difgu fling to thofe 
 *" who are in the leail acquain-ted with high 
 *Mife." 
 
 By this time my curiofity began to abate, and 
 my appetite to increafe. The company of fools 
 may at fir ft make us fmile, butatlail never fails 
 of rendering us melancholy. I therefore pre- 
 tended to recolle6l a prior engagement, and, af- 
 ter having Qiown my refpe6l to the houfe, hy 
 giving the old fervant a piece of money at the 
 door, r took my leave; Mr. Tibbs afHiring me, 
 that dinner, if I (laid, would be ready at leall in 
 hh than two l^ours. 
 
 G 2 ESSAY 
 
78 ESSAYS- 
 
 ESSAY XIL 
 
 AS it hath been obferved, that few are bet- 
 ter qualified to give others advice, than 
 thoie who have taken the leaft of it themfelves ; 
 fo, in this rerpe6l, I find myfelf perfectly au» 
 thorifed to offer mine ; and mud take leave ta 
 throw together a few obfervations upon that 
 part of a young raan's condu6l on his entering; 
 into life, as it is called. 
 
 The moil ufual way among young men who 
 have no refolution of their own, is, firft to afk 
 one friend's advice, and follow it for fome time ; 
 then to afk advice of another, and turn to that ; 
 i'o of a third, flill unfteady, always changing. 
 However, every change of this nature is for the 
 wovfc : People may tell you of your being unfit 
 for fome peculiar occupations in life ; but heed 
 them not : Whatever employment you follow 
 with perfeverance and afliduity, will be found 
 fit for you ; it will be your fupport in youths 
 and comfort in age. In learning the ufeful 
 part of every prcfellion, very moderate abilities 
 willfuffice : Great abilities are generally obnox- 
 ious to the poireffors. Life has been compared 
 to a race; but the allufion flill improves, by ob- 
 ferving, that the mofl fwift are ever the moft 
 apt to llray from the courfe. 
 
 To know one profeffion only, is enough for 
 one man to know ; and this, whatever the pro- 
 fellbrs may tell you to the contrary, is foon 
 learned. Be contented, therefore, wjth one good 
 
 employment; 
 
ESSAYS.^ 79 
 
 employment ; for if you underfland two at a 
 time, people will give you bufinefs in neither. 
 
 A conjurer and a taylor once happened to 
 converfe together. " Alas !" cries the taylor, 
 *' what an unhappy poor creature am I ! If 
 *' people. ever take it into their heads to live 
 *' without clothes, I am undone ; I have no 
 *^ other trade to have recourfe to." " Indeed, 
 *' friend, I pity you fincerely," replies the con- 
 jurer ; ''but, thank heaven, things are not quite 
 '* fo bad with me : For if one trick fliould fail, 
 *' I have a hundred tricks more for them yet, 
 *' However, if at any time you are reduced to 
 '<= beggary, apply to me, and I will relieve you/' 
 A famine overfpread the land : The taylor made 
 a ftiift to live, becaufe his cuftomers could not 
 be without clothes ; but the poor conjurer, with 
 all his hundred tricks, could find none that had 
 money to throw away» It was in vain that he 
 promifed to eat fire, or to vomit pins ; no fingle 
 creature would relieve him : Till he was at laft 
 obliged to beg from the very taylor whofe calL 
 ing he had formerly defpifed. 
 
 There are no obflrudions more fatal to for- 
 tune, than pride and refentment. If you mud 
 refent injuries at ail, at lead fupprefs your in- 
 dignation till you become rich, and then fhow 
 away. The refentment of a poor man is like 
 the efforts of a harmlefs inft^c to (ling ; it may 
 get him crufhed, but cannot defend him. Who 
 values that ar^r which is confumed only in 
 empty menaces ? 
 
 Once 
 
8o E S' S A Y S. 
 
 Once upon a time, a goofe fed its young by a^ 
 pond fide ; and a goofe, in fuch circumftance^, 
 is always extremely proud, and excefTively punc- 
 tilious. If any other animal, without the lead 
 defign to offend, happened to pafs that way, the 
 goofe was immediately at it. The pond, (he 
 faid, was hers, and fhe would maintain her right 
 in it, and fupport her honour, while fhe had a 
 bill to hifs, or a wing to flutter. In this man- 
 ner fhe drove away ducks, pigs and chickens ; 
 nay, even the infidious cat was feen to fcamper. 
 A lounging mafliff, however, happened to pafs 
 by, and thought it no harm if he fhould lap a 
 little of the water, as he was thiifly. The guar- 
 dian goofe flew at him like a fury, pecked at 
 him with her beak, and flapped him with her 
 feathers. The dog gr^w angry, and had twen- 
 ty times a mind to give her a fly fnap; butfup- 
 preflinc^ his indignation, becaule his mafler was 
 nigh, *' A pox take thee," cries he, *' for a fool ; 
 *' fure thofe who have neither ftrength nor weap- 
 ^' ons to fight, at leaft fhould be civil." So faying, 
 he went forward to the pond, quenched his thirfl 
 in fpiie of the goofe, and followed his mafter. 
 
 Another obftruftion t« the fortune of youth*, 
 is, that, while they are willing ta take offence 
 from none, they are alfo equally defirous of 
 giving nobody offence. From hence they en- 
 deavour to pleafe all, comply with every requeft, 
 and attempt to fuitthemfelves to every company; 
 have no will of their owh ; but,^ike wax, catch 
 every contiguous impreffion. By thus attempt- 
 ing[ to give univerfai fatisfaflion, they at la ft 
 
 find 
 
ESSAYS. 81 
 
 /indthemfelvesmiferablydirappointcd : To bring 
 the generality of admirers on our lidCj it is luf-. 
 ficientto attempt pleaiing a very ftw. 
 
 -A painter of eminc^nce wa.s once refolved to 
 finii'h a piece which fhould pleafe the whole 
 world. When, therefore he had drawn a pi6ture 
 in which his utmcH; flcill was exhaufled, it was 
 expofed in the pubiick market place, with di- 
 rections at the bottom, for every Ipedator to 
 mark with a brufh, that lay by, every limb and 
 feature which feemed erroneous. The fpe£la- 
 tors came, and, in general applauded ; but, 
 each willing to fhow his talent at criticifm, ftig^^ 
 matifed whatever he thought proper. At eve- 
 ning, when the painter came, he was mortified 
 to find the piclure one univerfal blot, not a fin- 
 gle flroke that had not the marks of -difappro- 
 bation. Not fatisfied with this trial, the next 
 day he was refolved to try them in a different 
 manner; and, expofmg his piclure as before, 
 defired that every fpe6lator w^ould mark thofe 
 beauties he approved or admired. The people 
 complied, and the artift returning, found his 
 pi6lure covered with the marks of beauty : Eve- 
 ry ftroke that had been yefterday condemnedi, 
 now received the chara6ier of approbation. 
 '' Well,'* cries the painter, ''I now find, tha^t 
 *• the befl way to pleafe all the world, 13 to at.» 
 *' tempt pleafing one half of it." 
 
 ESSAY 
 
82 ESSAYS. 
 
 ESSAY XIII. 
 
 INDULGENT Nature feems to have ex- 
 empted this ifland from many of thofe epi- 
 demic evils which are fo fatal in other parts of 
 the world. A want of rain, for a few days be^ 
 yond the expefted feafon, in fome parts of the 
 globe, fpreads famine, defolation and terror, 
 over the whole country; bu tin this fortixnate 
 land of Britain, the inhabitant courts health in 
 every breeze, and the hufbandman ever fows in 
 joyful expeftation. 
 
 But, though the nation be exempt from real 
 evils, it is not more happy on this account than 
 others. The people are affli£led, it is true, 
 with neither famine norpeflilence ; but thari 
 there is a diforder peculiar to the country, which, 
 every^ feafon makes flrange ravages among 
 them: It fpreads with peililential rapidity, and 
 infe«51s almoft every rank of people ; and, what 
 is ftiil more ftrange, the natives have no name 
 for this peculiar malady, though well known to 
 foreign phyficians by the appellation of Epidem- 
 ic Terror. 
 
 A feafon is never known to pafs in which the 
 people are not vilited by this cruel calamity, in 
 one ihape or another, feemingly different, tho' 
 ever .he fame. One year itiffues from a bak- 
 er's Ihop in the fhape of a fixpenny loaf; the 
 next it takes the appearance of a comet with a 
 fiery t^le ; the third it threatens like a fiat bot- 
 tomed boat; and the fourth it carries confterna- 
 
 tion 
 
ESSAYS. 83 
 
 tion in the bite of a mad dog. The people 
 when once infeded, loofe their reli(h of happi- 
 nefs, faunter about with looks of defpondence, 
 afk after the calamities of the day, and receive 
 no comfort but in heightening each other's dif- 
 trefs. It is infignificant how remote or near, 
 how weak or powerful the obje6l of terror may 
 be, when once they refolve to fright, and be 
 frighted : The merefl trifles fow conllernation 
 and difmay ; each proportions his fears, not to 
 the objed, but to the dread he difcovers in the 
 countenance of others ; for, when once the fer- 
 mentation is begun, it goes onof itielf, though 
 the orignal caufe be difcontinued which firfl fe£ 
 it in motion. 
 
 A dread of mad dogs is the epidemic terror 
 which now prevails, and the whole nation is at 
 prefent a6lually groaning under the malignity 
 of its influence. The people fally from their 
 houfes with that circumfpeftion which is pru- 
 dent in fuch as expe6l a mad dog at every turn- 
 ing. The phyiician publiflies his prefcription, 
 the beadle prepares his halter, and a few of un- 
 ufual bravery arm themfelves with boots and 
 bufF gloves, in order to face the enemy, if 
 ^he fhould off'er to attack them. In fliort, the 
 whole people fland bravely upon their defence, 
 and feem, by their prefent fpirit; to ihow a refo- 
 luiion of being tamely bit by mad dogs no long- 
 er. 
 
 Their manner of knowing whether a dog be 
 mad or not, fomewhat refembles the ancient 
 Gothic cufl:om of trying witches* The old wo- 
 man 
 
H ESS A Y S. 
 
 man fufpc6lcd was tied hand and foot, and 
 thrown into the water. If ihe fwam, thenfhe 
 was inflantly carried ofF to be burnt for a 
 witch ; if fhe funk, then indeed fhe was ac, 
 C]uitted of the charge, but drowned in the 
 experiment. In the fame manner, a crowd 
 gather round a dog fufpc6led of madnefs, and 
 they begin by teazing the devoted animal on 
 every fide. If he attempt to ftand upon the 
 defenfive, and bite, then is he unanimoufly found 
 guilty; for** a mad dog always fnaps at every 
 thing/' If, on the contrary, he drives to 
 efcape by running away, then he can cxpe6l no 
 compafTion ; for " mad dogs always run ftraight 
 ** forw^ard before them.'* 
 
 It is pleafant enough for a neutral being like 
 me, who has no fhare in thofe ideal calamities, 
 to mark the ftages of this rational difeafe. The 
 terror at firft feebly enters with a difregarded 
 ftory of a little dog that had gone through a 
 neighboring village, which was thought to be 
 mad by feveral who had feen him. The next 
 account comes, that a maftiff ran through a 
 certain town, and had bitten fivegeefe, which im- 
 mediately ran mad, foamed at the bill, and 
 died in great agonies foon after. Then comes 
 an affecting hiftory of a litte boy bitten in the leg 
 and gone down to be dipped in the fait water. 
 When the people have fufficiently fliuddered at 
 that, they are next congealed with a frightful 
 account of a man who was faid lately to have 
 died from a bite he had received fome years be* 
 fore. This relation only prepares the way for 
 
 ano-ther 
 
ESSAYS. 85 
 
 another flill more hideous; as, how the mafter 
 of a family, with feven fmail children, were all 
 bitten by a mad lap dog : And how the poor fa- 
 ther firfl perceived the infe6tion by calling for a 
 draught of water, where he faw the lap ddg 
 fwimming in the cup. 
 
 When epidemic terror is thus once excited, 
 every morning comes loaded wkh fome new 
 difafter. As in liories of ghofts, each loves to 
 hear the account, though it only ferves to make 
 him uneafy; fo, here, each liftens with eager- 
 nefs, and adds to the tidings with new circam- 
 fiances of peculiar horror. A lady, for in- 
 flance, in the country, of very weak nerves, has 
 been frighted by the barking of a dog; and 
 this, alas ! too frequently happens. The flory 
 foon is improved, and fpreads, that a mad dog 
 had flighted a lady of diiliniTdon. Thefe cir- 
 cam fiances begin to grow terrible before thev 
 have reached the neighbouring village; and 
 there the r.'^.ort is, that a lady of «a]it^ vra^ 
 bitten b/ a mad mafliif. This account every mo- 
 ment gathers new ftrength, and grows more 
 difmal as it approaches the capital ; and, by 
 the time it has arrived in town, the lady is 
 defciibed with wild eyes, foaming mouth, run- 
 ning mad upon all four, barking like a do^, biu 
 ing her fervants, and at lafl finothercd between 
 two beds, by the advice of her do6lors ; while 
 the mad m-aftiff is, in the mean time ranging 
 the whole country over, flavcring at the mouth 
 and iceking whom hejcnay de^'^,*!, 
 
 H Mv 
 
86 ESSAYS. 
 
 My landlady, a good natured woman, but a 
 little credulous, waked me fome mornings ago 
 before the ufual hour, with horror and afloniQi- 
 ment in her looks. She defircd me, if I had 
 any regard for my fafety, to keep within ; for, a 
 few days ago, fo difmal an accident had happen- 
 ed, as to put all the world upon their guard. A 
 mad dog, down in the country, fhe aflured me, 
 had bit a farmer, who foon becoming mad, ran 
 into his own yard, and bit a fine brindled cow : 
 The cow quickly became as mad as the man, 
 began to foam at the mouth, and railing herfelf 
 up, walked about on her hind legs, fometimes 
 barking like a dog, and lometimes attempting 
 to talk like the farmer. Upon examining the 
 grounds of this ftory, I found my landlady had 
 it from one neighbor, who had it from another 
 neighbor, who heaixl it from very good authority. 
 
 Were mofl ftories of this nature well exam- 
 ined, it would be found, that numbers of fuch 
 as have beeji faid to fuffer, were no Way injured ; 
 and that of thofe who have been a6lually bitten, 
 iiot one in a hundred was bitten by a mad dog. 
 Such accounts in general, therefore, only ferve 
 to make the people miierable by falfe terrors, 
 and fometimes fright the patient into a6lual 
 phrenzy, by creating thofe very fymptoms they 
 pretend to deplore. 
 
 But, even allowing three or four to die in a 
 feafon of this terrible death, (and four is proba- 
 bly too large a conceflion) yet ftill it is not con- 
 fidered how nniiy are preferved in their health 
 and in their property by this devoted animal's 
 
 fervices. 
 
ESSAYS. 87 
 
 fendces. The midnight robber is kept at a 
 diftance; the infidious thief is often dete6led ; 
 ihe healthful chafe repairs many a worn con ft i- 
 tution ; and the poor man finds in his dog a 
 willing affiflant eager to leffen his toil, and con- 
 tent with the fmallell retribution. 
 
 *• A dog," fays one of the Englifh poets, *• is 
 *' an honed creature, and I am a friend to dogs/* 
 Of all the beads that graze the lawn, or hunt 
 the foreft, a dog is the only animal that, leav- 
 ing his fellows, attempts to cultivate the friend- 
 fhip of man ; to man he looks in all his neceffi- 
 ties, with a fpeaking eye, for affillance ; exerts, 
 for him, all the little fervice in his power with 
 chearfulneis and pleafure : For him, bears fam- 
 ine and fatigue with patience and refignation ; 
 no injuries can abate his fidelity ; no diftrefs in- 
 duce him to forfake his benefaclor : Studious to 
 pleafe, and fearing to offend, he is ilill a hum- 
 ble, ftedfafl dependent; and in him, alone, 
 fawning is not flattery. How unkind, then, to 
 torture this faithful creature, who has left the 
 foreft to (jlaim the protection of man ! How- 
 ungrateful a return to the trufty animal for all 
 its fervices ! 
 
 ESSAY XIV. 
 
 AGE, that leiTens the enjoyment of life, in- 
 creafes our defire of living. Thofc dan- 
 gers which, in the vigor of youth, we had learn- 
 
 ed 
 
88 ESSAYS. 
 
 ed to defpife, affume new terrors as we grow old. 
 Our caution increafing as our years increafe, 
 fear becomes at lad the prevailing paflion of the 
 mind; and the frnall remainder of life is taken 
 up in ufelefs efforts to keep off our end, or pro- 
 vide for a continued exiftence. 
 
 Strange contradidlion in our nature, and to 
 V ijich even the wife are liable ! If 1 fhould judge 
 .f ihat part of life which lies before me, by that 
 which I have already feen, the profpedl is hid- 
 itous. Experience tells me, that my pafl enjoy- 
 jnents have brought no real felicity ; and fenfa- 
 tion alFures me, that thofe 1 have felt, areftrong- 
 or than thofe which are vet to come. Yet ex- 
 perience and fenfation in vain peifuade ; hope, 
 snore powerful than either, dreifes out the dif- 
 i.ant profped iu fancied beauty ; fome happi- 
 xicis. io long perfpe61;ive, dill beckons me to 
 pTirfue ; and, like a iofing gamefter, every new 
 dirappointment increafes my ardor, to continue 
 liie <^ame. 
 
 Whence then is this increafed love of life, 
 which grows upon us with our years ? whence 
 comes it, that we thus make greater efforts to 
 preferve our exigence, at a period when it be- 
 comes fcarce worth the keeping? Is it that Na- 
 ture, attentive to the^ preservation of mankind, 
 increafes our wiflies to live, while (he Icffens our 
 enjoyments ? and, as fl:e'tobs the fenfes of ev- 
 ery pleafure, equips imagination in the fpoils ? 
 Life would be infupportable to an old man, 
 who, loaded with infirmities, feared death no 
 more than when in the vigor of manhood : Th^ 
 
 numbsrlers 
 
ESSAYS. 89 
 
 aumberlefs calamities of decaying nature, and 
 the confcioufnefs of furviving every pleafure^ 
 would at once induce him. with his own hand, 
 to terminate the fcene of mifery : But, happily, 
 the contempt of death forfakes him at a time 
 when it could only be prejudicial ; and life ac- 
 quires an imaginary value, in proportion as its 
 real value is no more. 
 
 Our attachment to every obje6l around usin- 
 creafes, in general, from the length of our ac- 
 quaintance with it. '' I would not choofe,'' 
 fays a French philofopher, " to fee an old poll 
 '' pulled up with which 1 have long been ac- 
 *' quainted.'' A mind long habituated to a 
 certain fet of obje61s, infenlibly becomes fond 
 of feeing them, vihts them from habit, and 
 parts from them with relu6lance. From hence 
 proceeds the avarice of the old in every kind ot 
 poffeffion : They love the world, and ail that it 
 produces;, they love life and all its advantag- 
 es ; not becaufe it gives them pieafurc, but be- 
 caufe they have known it long. 
 
 Chinvang the Chafle, afcending the throne of 
 China, commanded that all who were unjuilly 
 detained inprifon, during the preceding reigns, 
 fhould be fet free. Among the number who 
 came to thank their deliverer on. this occafion, 
 tiiere appeared a majedic old man, who, failinp- 
 at the emperor's feet, addrefleJ him as follows : 
 " Great father of China, behold a wretch, novr 
 *'eiohtyfive years old, who was fliut up in i\ 
 *' d'ungeon at the age of twentvtwo. 1 vv-a^ 
 **imprironed, though a liranger to crime, or 
 H 3 *• withouti 
 
go ESSAYS. 
 
 *• without being ever confronted by my accuf- 
 ''ers. I have now lived in foiitude and dark- 
 '* nefs for more than fifty years, and am grown 
 *' familiar with diftrefs. As yet dazzled with 
 *' the fplendor of that fun to which you have 
 '' rellored me, I have been wandering the flreets 
 '•' to find out fome friend that would affift, or 
 ''relieve, or remember me: But my friends, 
 ''my family and relations, are ail dead, and I 
 *' am forgotten. Permit me, then, O Chin- 
 '* vang, to wear out the wretched remains of 
 " life in my former prifon : The walls of my 
 ' dungeon are to me more pleafing than the 
 '* moft fplendid palace. I have not long to 
 " live, and fhall be unhappy except I fpend 
 *' the reft of my days where my youth was pafT- 
 '' ed ; in that prifon from whence you were 
 ** pleafed to releafe me.'* 
 
 The old man'^s paflion for confinement is fim- 
 ilar to that we all have for life. We are habitu^ 
 ated to the prifon, we look round with difcon- 
 tent, are difpleafed with the abode, and yet the 
 length of our captivity only increafes our fond- 
 nefs for the celi. The trees we have planted, 
 the houfes we have built, or the pofterity we 
 have begotten, all ferve to bind us clofer to the 
 earth and embitter our parting. Life fues the 
 young like a new acquaintance: The compan- 
 ion, as yet unexhaufted, is at once inftruclive 
 and amufing ; its company pleafes ; yet, for all 
 this it is but little regarded. To us, who are 
 declined in years, life appears like an old friend ^ 
 its jells have been anticipated in former con- 
 
 verfatioa ; 
 
ESSAYS. 9i 
 
 verfation : It hath no new flory to make ua 
 fmile, no new improvement with which to fur- 
 prife; yet ftill we love it : Deftitute of every 
 enjoyment, ftill we love it; hufband the wafting 
 treafure with increafing frugality, and feel all 
 the poignancy of anguifti in the fatal fepara- 
 tion. 
 
 Sir Philip Mordaunt was young, beautiful, 
 fincere, brave, an Englifliman. He had a com- 
 plete fortune of his own, and the love of the 
 king his mafter, which was equivalent to rich- 
 es. Life opened all her treafures before him, 
 and promifed a long fucceftion of happinefs. 
 He came, tafted of the entertainment, but was 
 dilgufted even at the beginning. He profefled 
 an averfion to living ; was tired of walking 
 round the fame circle ; had tried every enjoy- 
 ment, and found them all grow weaker at ev- 
 ery repetition. *' If life be, in youth, fo dif- 
 pleaftng,'' cried he to himfelf," What will it 
 *' appear when age comes on ? If it be atprefent 
 '' indifferent, fure it will then be execrable." 
 This thought embittered every refledion ; till 
 at laft,with all the ferenity of perverted reafon, 
 he ended the debate with a piftol ! Had this 
 felf deluded man been apprized, that exiftence 
 grows more defirable to us the longer we exift, 
 he would then have faced old age without 
 fhrinking ; he would have boldly dared to live; 
 and ferved that fociety by his future, affiduity, 
 which he bafely injured by his defertion. 
 
 ESSAY 
 
92 E S S A y S- 
 
 ESSAY XV. 
 
 FOREIGNERS obferve, that there are no 
 ladies in the world more beantiFt-il or more 
 ili dreffed than thoi'e of England. Our couni- 
 try women have been compared to thofe pic- 
 tures, where the face is the work of Raphael, 
 but the draperies thrown out by fome empty 
 pretender, deilitute of tade, and entirely unac- 
 •quainted with dehgn. 
 
 If I were a poet, i might obferve on this oc- 
 cafion, that fo much beauty, let olF with all the 
 advantages of drefs^ would be too powerful an 
 antagoniil for the oppofite fex; and therefore 
 It was wifely ordered, that our ladies Ihouldwant 
 taile. led their admirers lliould entirely want 
 reafon. 
 
 But, to confefs a truth; I do not find they 
 have a greater averfion to fine clothes than the- 
 women of any other country whatfoever. I 
 cannot fancy that a Ihopkeeper's wife in Cheap- 
 fide has a greater tendernefs for the fortune of 
 her hufband, than a citizen's wife in Paris ; or 
 that Mifs in a boarding fchool, is more an econ- 
 omidin drefs, than Mademoifelle in a nunnery. 
 
 Although Paris rnav be accounted the foil m 
 which ahnofl every falhion takes its rile, its in- 
 fluence is never fo general there as with us. 
 Thev dudv there the happy method of uniting 
 grace and falhion, and never excufe a woman 
 for being awkwardly drclTed, by faying her 
 clothes are in the mode. A French woman is- 
 
 a 
 
ESSAYS. 93 
 
 a perfea architea in drefs : She never, with 
 Gothic ignorance, mixes the orders : She never 
 tricks out a fquabby Doric fhape with Corinthi- 
 an finery ; or, to fpeak without metaphor, fhe 
 conforms to a general falhion, only when it hap- 
 pens not to be repugnant to private beauty. 
 
 The Englifh ladies, on the contrary, leem 
 to have no other flandard of grace but the run 
 of the town. If fafhion give the word, every 
 diflin61ion of beauty, complexion, or ftature, 
 ceafes. Sweeping trains, Pruflian bonnets, 
 and troUopees, as like each other as if cut 
 from the fame piece, level all to one flandard. 
 The Mall, the gardens, and play houfes, are 
 filled with ladies in uniform ; and their whole 
 appearance fhows as little variety of tafte, as if 
 their clothes were befpoken by the colonel of a 
 marching regiment, or fancied by the artift who 
 dreffes the three baltallions of guards. 
 
 But not^only the ladies of every fhape and 
 complexion, but of every age too, are poffefTed 
 of this unaccountable paffion for levelling all 
 di{lin6lion in drefs. The lady of no quality trav- 
 els faft behind the lady of fome quality ; and 
 a wortian of fixty is as gaudy as her grand- 
 daughter. A friend of mine,'a goodnatured old 
 man, amufed me, the other day, with an ac- 
 count of his journey to the Mall. It feems, in 
 his walk thither, he, for fome time, followed a 
 lady, who, as he thought by her drefs, was a 
 girl of fifteen : It was airy, elegant and youth- 
 ful. My old friend had called up all his poet- 
 ry on this occafion, and fancied twenty Cupid's. 
 
 prepared 
 
94 ESSAYS. 
 
 prepared for execurion in every folding of her 
 white negligee : He had prepared his imagina- 
 tion for an angel's face. But, what was his 
 mortification to find, that the imaginary god- 
 defs was no other than his coufin Hannah fome 
 years older than himfelf ! 
 
 But, to give it In his own words : '' After the 
 tranfports of our fiid falute," faid he, were 
 over, I could not avoid running my eye over 
 her whole appearance. Her gown was of 
 cambric, cut lliort before, in order to difcov- 
 er an high heeled fhoe, which was buckled 
 almoflL to the toe. Her cap confided of a 
 few bits of cambric, and flowers of painted 
 paper fluck on one fide of her head. Her 
 bofom, that had felt no hand but the hand of 
 time thefe twenty years, rofe, fuing to be 
 prelfed. I could, indeed, have wiihed her 
 more than a handkerchief of Parifnet to fhade 
 her beauties; for, as Taffo fays of the rofe 
 bud, 'Qiianto Je mojlra men tanio e pin bella/ 
 A female breaft is generally thought more 
 beautiful, as it is more fparingly difcovered. 
 ** As my coufm had not put on all this finery 
 for nothing, fae was at that time fallying out 
 to the park, v/hen 1 had overtaken her. Per- 
 ceiving, however, that I had on my befl wig, 
 fhe offered, if I would 'fquire her there, to 
 fend home the footman. Though 1 trembled 
 for our reception in public, yet I could not, 
 with any civility, refufe : So, to be as gallant 
 as pofiible, I took her hand in my arm, and 
 thus we marched on together^ 
 
 **When 
 
ESSAYS. 
 
 95 
 
 '' When we made our entry at the Park, two 
 
 *' antiquated figures, fo polite and fo tender, 
 
 *' Ibon attra6led the eyes of the company. As 
 
 "we made our way among crowds, who were 
 
 *' out to fhow their finery as well as we, where- 
 
 ** ever we came, I perceived we brought good 
 
 '* humor with us. The polite could not for- 
 
 *' bear fmiling, and the vulgar bur ft out into a 
 
 *' horfe laugh at our grotefque figures. Coufin 
 
 *^ Hannah, who was perfedly confcious of the 
 
 '' reditude of her own appearance, attributed 
 
 ** all this mirth to the oddity of mine ; while 1 
 
 ** as cordially placed the whole to her account. 
 
 *' Thus, from being two of the beft natured 
 
 ** creatures alive, before we got half way up the 
 
 •^ Mall, we both began to grow peevilh, and, 
 
 '* like two mice on a ftring, endeavoured to re- 
 
 *' venge the impertinence of the fpetSlators upon 
 
 '* each other. * I am amazed, cOufin JefFery/ 
 
 '* fays Mifs, * that I can never get you to drefs 
 
 ** like a chriftian. I knew we fhould have the 
 
 ** eyes of the Park upon us,, with your great wig 
 
 " fo frizzled, and yet fo beggarly, and your 
 
 ** monftrous muff. I hate thofe odious muffs.' 
 
 '^ I could have patiently borne a criticifm on 
 
 *' all the reft of my equipage ; but, as I had al- 
 
 ** ways a peculiar veneration for my muff, 
 
 " I could not forbear being piqued a little ; 
 
 " and, throwing my eyes with a fpiteful air on 
 
 " her bofom, *I could heartily wifh, madam/ 
 
 *' replied I, ' that for your fake, my muff was 
 
 " cut into a tippet.* 
 
 '^As 
 
5)6 ESSAYS. 
 
 " As my coufin, by this time, was grown 
 -' heartily aihamed of her gentleman ufher, and 
 as I was never very fond of any kind of exhi- 
 bition myfelf, it was mutually agreed, to retire 
 for a while to one of the feats, and from that 
 retreat remark on others, as freely as they had 
 remarked on us. 
 
 ** When feated, we continued filent for fome 
 time, enjployed in very different fpeculations. 
 I regarded the whole company, now, palling 
 in review before me, as drawn out rnereiy for 
 my amufement. For my entertainment, the 
 beauly had, all that morning, been improving 
 her charms ; the beau had put on lace, and 
 the young do6lor a big wig. merely to pleafe 
 me. But quite different were the fentiments 
 of coufin Hannah. She regarded every 
 well dreffed woman as a victorious rival : 
 Kated every fdCG that feemed dreffed in good 
 humor, or wore the appearance of greater 
 happinefs than her own. I perceived her un- 
 eafmefs, and attempted to leffen it, by ob- 
 ferving, that there was no company in the 
 Park to day. To this flie readily affented ; 
 ' And yet,' fays (he, ' it is full enough of fcrubs 
 of one kind or another.' My fmiiing at this 
 oblervation, gave her, fpirits to purfue the 
 bent of her inclination : and now (he bes^an 
 to exhibit her flcill in fccret hiffory, as flie 
 found me difpofed to lillen. ' Obfcrve,' fays 
 ihe to me, ' that old woman in tawdry filk, and 
 dreU'ed out beyond the fa (hi on : That is Mifs 
 Biddy Evergreen. Mifs Biddy it feems has 
 
 ''money; 
 
ESSAY S. 97 
 
 money ; and as fhe confeders that money was 
 never fo fcarce as it is now, (he feems refolv- 
 ed to keep what ftie has to herfelf. She is 
 ugly enough, you fee; yet, I affure you, fiie 
 has refufcd feveral offers, to my own knowl- 
 edge, within thi's twelvemonth. Let me fee; 
 three gentlemen from Ireland, who fludy the 
 law, two waiting captains, her do6lor, and a 
 Scotch preacher, who had like to have carried 
 her off. All her time is paffed betwixt fieknefs 
 and finery. Thus (he fpends the whole week 
 in a clofe chamber, with no other company 
 but her monkey, her apothecary and cat ; and 
 comes dreffed out to the Park cverv Sun- 
 day, ta fliow h^r airs, to get new lovers, to 
 catch a new cold, and to make new work for 
 the do£lor. 
 
 " There goes Mrs. Roundabout. 1 meaa 
 the fat lady ia the lutedring trollopec. Be- 
 tween you and me.ilie is but a cutler's wife. See 
 how fhe's dreffed, as fine as handstand pinj 
 can make her, while her two marriageable 
 daughters, like hunters in fluff gowns, arc 
 now taking fixpenny worth of tea at the 
 White Conduit Houfe. Odious pufs, ho\r 
 fhe waddles along, with her trail, two yards 
 behind her ! She puts me in mind of my 
 Lord Bantam's Indian flieep, which are oblig- 
 ed lo have their monflrous tails trundled 
 along iii a gocart. For all her airs, it goes 
 to her hufband's heart to fee four yards of 
 '•' good kUeffring wearing againll the ground, 
 ** like one of bis knives on a grindiioi:e. Ts 
 'I *' fpeak 
 
€)^ ESSAYS. 
 
 *^ fpcak my mind, coufm JeEFeiy, I never liked 
 *' thofe trails , for, fuppofe a young fellow Ihould 
 *' be rude, and the lady fhould offer to Hep 
 *' back in the fright, inftead of retiring, flle 
 •' tread upon her traiL and falls fairly upon her 
 *' back ; and then you Know, coufin — her clothes 
 ** may be fpoiled. 
 
 " Ha ! Mifs Mazzard ! I knew we fhould 
 '' not mifs her in the Park; fhe in the mon- 
 •' flrous Pruflian bonnet. Mifs, though fo very 
 ** fine, was bred a milliner, and might have had 
 ^' fome cuflom if fhe had minded her bufmefs ; 
 '* but the girl was fond of finery, and inftead of 
 *' dreffing her cuflomers, laid out all her goods 
 '* in adorning herfelf. Every new gown fhe 
 ** put on impaired her credit ; fhe ftill however 
 ** went on, improving her appearance, and lefT- 
 *^ cning her little fortune, and is now, you fee, 
 '' become a belle and a bankrupt,'* 
 
 *• My coufin w^as proceeding in her remarks, 
 *' which were interrupted by the approach of 
 *' the very lady fhe had been fo freely defcrib- 
 *' ing. Mifs had perceived her at a diflance, 
 ** and approached to falute her. I found, by 
 ^' the warmth of the two ladies* proteflations, 
 ** that they had been long intimate, efteemed 
 ''friends and acquaintance. Both were fo 
 *' pleafed at this happy rencounter, that they 
 ** were refolved not to part for the day. So wc 
 *' all croffed the Park together, and I faw them 
 ** into a hackney coach at St. James's." 
 
 ESSAY 
 
ESSAYS. 
 
 ESSAY XVL 
 
 99. 
 
 WHERE Tauris lifts its head above tlie 
 Jlorm, and preients nothing to the fight; 
 pf the diflant traveller, but a profped of no K 
 ding rocks, falling torrents, and all the variety ' 
 of tremendous nature ; on the bleak bofom of' 
 this frightful mountain, fecluded from fociety, 
 and detefting the ways of men, lived Afem the 
 man hater. 
 
 Afem had fpent his youth with men; had 
 fhared m their amufements; andhad been taught; 
 to love his fellow creatures with the moft arden;: 
 afFedion : But, from the tendernefs of his dlfpo- 
 fition, he exhaufted all his fortune in relicvinn- 
 the wants of the diftreffed. The petitioner nevl 
 er iued in vain ; the weary traveller never pafTed 
 his door : He only defifted from doing good, 
 when he had no longer the power of relieving. ' 
 From a fortune thus fpent in benevolence, 
 he expeaed a grateful return from thofe he had 
 formerly relieved, and made his application 
 with confidence of redrefs : The ungrateful 
 world foon grew weary of his importunity; for 
 pity is but a fliort lived paffion. He foon, 
 therefore, began to view mankind in a very dif- 
 ferent light from that in which he had before 
 beheld them. He perceived a thoufand vice^ 
 he had never before expcded to exift : Wherever 
 he turned, ingratitude, diffimulationtind treach- 
 ery, contributed to increafe his deteftation of ' 
 them. Refolved therefore to continue no long^ 
 
 er 
 
lOd ESSAYS. 
 
 er in a world which he hated, and which repaid 
 his deteftalion with contempt, he retired to this 
 region of fterility, in order to brood over his 
 refentment in folitude, and converfe with the 
 only honeft heart he knew, namely, with his 
 own. 
 
 A cave was his only fhelter from the inclem- 
 ency of the weather; fruits gathered with diffi- 
 culty from the mountain's fide', his only food ; 
 and his drink was fetched with danger and toil 
 from the headlong torrent. In this manner he 
 lived, fequ eft ered from fociety, paffing the hours 
 in meditation, and fometimes exulting that he 
 was able to live independently of his fellow 
 creatures. 
 
 At the foot of the mountain, an extenfive 
 lake difplayed its glafly bofom, refle6ling on its 
 broad furface the impending horrors of the 
 mountain. To thi$ capacious mirror he would 
 fometimes defcend, and reclining on its fleep 
 bank, call an eager look on the fmooth expanle 
 ihat lay before him. *' How beautiful," he 
 often died, " is Nature ! how lovely, even in 
 " her wildeft fcenes ! How finely contrafted is 
 ** the level plain that lies beneath me, with yon 
 *' awful pile that hides its tremendous head in 
 •' clouds ! But the beauty of thefe fcenes is no 
 '^ way comparable with their utility : From 
 '• hence a hundrefd rivers are fupplied, which 
 *' diilribute health and verdure to the various 
 *• countries through which they flow. Every 
 •• part of the univerfe is beautiful, juft, and 
 " \(vife: But man, vile man, is a folecifm in na- 
 
 '* ture. 
 
ESSAYS. lOi 
 
 *• ture, the only monfter in the creation. Tern- 
 ** pefts and whirlwinds have their uie ; but vi- 
 ** cious, ungrateful man, is a blot in the fair 
 " page of univerfal beauty. Why was I born 
 '' of that detefled fpecies, whofe vides are al- 
 " mod a reproach to the wifdom of the divine 
 " Creator! Were men entirely free from vice, 
 ^' all would be uniformity, harmony and order. 
 *' A world of moral reftitude, fhouldbethe re- 
 *•' fult of a perfe6tly moral agent. Why, why 
 *' then^ O Alia! mud I be thus conhned in. 
 ** darknels, doubt and defpair V 
 
 Juft as he uttered the word defpair, he was 
 going to plunge into the lake beneath him, at 
 once to fatisfy his doubts, and put a period to 
 his anxiety ; when he perceived a moft majeflic 
 being walking on thefurface of the water, and 
 approaching the bank on which he flood. So 
 unexpected an obje61; at once checked his pur- 
 pofe : He Hopped, contemplated and fancied he 
 faw fomerhing awful and divine in bis afpe^^t. 
 
 " Son of Adam," cried the genius, '• flop 
 *' thy rafli purpofe; the father of the faithful has 
 *' feen thy juftice, thy integrity, thy miferies, 
 ** and has fent me to afford and adminifler re- 
 *' lief. Give me thine hand, and follow, with« 
 **out trembling, wherever I fhall lead. In me 
 *' behold the genius of convidion, kept by the 
 ** great prophet, to turn from their errors thofe 
 " who go aflray, not from curiofi'-y, but a recii- 
 *' tude of intention. Follow rr%^ and be wife/' 
 
 Afem immediaLely defcended upon the lake, 
 and his guide condutled kim aloii^the furface 
 
 i Q. 
 
 Oi 
 
102 ESSAYS. 
 
 of the water, till, coming near the centre of the 
 lake, they both began to fink ; the waters clofed 
 over their heads ; they defcended feveral hun- 
 dred fathoms, till Afem, jufl ready to give up 
 his life as inevitably loft, found himfelf with his 
 celefti^l guide in another world, at the bottom 
 of the waters, where human foot had never trod 
 before. His aflonifhment was beyond defcrip- 
 tion, when he faw a fun like that he had left, a. 
 ferene fky over his head, and blooming ver, 
 dure under his feet. 
 
 *^ I plainly perceive your amazement,*' faid 
 the genius ; " but fufpend it for a while. This 
 world was formed by Alia, at the requefl:, and 
 under the infpe6tion of our great Prophet ; 
 who once entertained the fame doubts which 
 filled your mind when I found you, and from 
 the confequence of which you were fo lately 
 refcued. The rational inhabitants of this 
 world are formed agreeable to your own 
 ideas ; they are absolutely without vice. In 
 other refpedls it refembles your earth, but 
 differs from it in being wholly inhabited by 
 men who never do wrong. If you find this, 
 world more agreeable than that you fo lale^^ 
 ly left, you have free permiflion to fpend the 
 remainder of your days in it; but permit me 
 for iome time, to attend you, that I may (i- 
 lence your doubts, and make you better ac- 
 quainted with your company and your ne\\r 
 habitation. 
 
 "A world without vice! Rational beincrs^ 
 *' without immortality 1" cried Afem, in a rap^ 
 
 ture : 
 
ESSAYS, 10$ 
 
 4ure ; '* I thank thee, O Alia, who haft afi 
 *' length heard my petitions : This, this in- 
 ** deed will produce happinefs, ecftafy and 
 '* eafe. O for an immortality, to fpend it 
 *' among men who are incapable of ingratitude, 
 ^^ injuilice, fraud, violence and a thoufand oth-- 
 *' er crimes, that render fociety miferable T* 
 
 '* Ceafe thine exclamations,'* replied the ge* 
 aius. *' Look around thee; refletl on every 
 " objeft and adion before us, and communis 
 *' cate to me the refult of thine obfervations^ 
 *' Lead where you think proper, I fhail be 
 *' your attendant and inftrudor." Afem and 
 his companion travelled on in filence for fome 
 time, the former being entirely loft in aftonifli- 
 ment; but, at laft recovering his former feren-. 
 ity, he could not help obferving, that the face 
 of the country bore a near refcmblance to that 
 he had left, except that this fubterranean world 
 ftill feemed to retain its primeval wildnefs. 
 
 '' Here"' cried Afem, I perceive animals of 
 '^ prey and others that feeni only defigned for 
 ^* their fubfiftence : It is the very fame in the 
 *' world over our heads. But had I been per- 
 *' mitted to inftrud our Prophet, f would have 
 «' removed this defe61:, and formed no voracious 
 ^^ or deflru6live animals, which only prey on 
 *l the other parts of the creation/' *' Your 
 '^ tendernefs for inferior animals is, I find re« 
 " markable,'* faid the genius, Gniling. "But, 
 '• with regard to meaner creatures, this warld 
 *^ exadly refembles the other; and, imleed, for 
 ^J obvious reafons ; for the earth can fupport 
 
104 ESSAYS. 
 
 ' a more confiderable number of animals, by 
 ' their thus becoming food for each other, than 
 ' if they had lived entirely on the vegetable 
 ' produQions. So that animals of different na- 
 ' tures thus formed, inftead of leffening their 
 ' multitude, fubfift in the greateft number pof- 
 • fible. But let us haften on to the inhabited 
 ' country before us, and fee what that offers 
 ' lor inftru6iion/' 
 
 They foon gained the utmod verge of the 
 forefl, and entered th^ country inhabited by 
 men without vice; and Afem anticipated in idea 
 the rational delights he hoped to experience in 
 fuch an innocent fociety. But they had fcarce 
 left the confines of the wood, when they be- 
 held one of the inhabitants flying, with hafly 
 fteps, and terror in his countenance, from an 
 army of fquirreis, that clofely purfued him. 
 ^' Heavens!" cried Afem, " Why does he fly ? 
 *' What can he fear from animals fo contempti- 
 '* ble ?" He had fcarce fpoken when he per- 
 ceived two dogs purfuing another of the human 
 fpecies, who, with equal terror and hade at- 
 tempted to avoid them. " This,*' cried Afem 
 to his guide, " is truly furprihng ; nor can I 
 •'* conceive the reafon for fo flrange an aQion/' 
 ** Every fpecies of animals," replied the genius, 
 " has, of late, grown very powerful in this cou% 
 *' trv ; for the inhabitants, at firff, thinl^ing iD 
 *' unjufl to ufe either fraud or force in deRroy- 
 " ing them, they have inlenliblY increaied, and 
 *' now frequently ravage their harmlefs fron- 
 '' tiers." " But thev fliould have been delhoy- 
 
 **ed;^ 
 
ESSAYS. t05 
 
 " ed," cried Afem ; '' you fee the confequence of 
 '• fuch negleft." " Where is then that tender- 
 « nefs you fo lately expreffed for fubordi- 
 *« nate animals?" replied the genius, fmiling? 
 «^ you feem to have forgot that branch of juf- 
 *' tice." *' I rnuft acknowledge my millake/* 
 returned Afem : " I am now convinced that 
 <« we mud be guilty of tyranny and injuftice to 
 *' the brute creation, if we would enjoy the 
 «« world ourfelves. But let us no longer ob- 
 *' ferve the duty of man to thefe irrational crea- 
 *' tures, but furvey their connexions with one 
 «* anoiher." 
 
 As they walked farther up the country, the 
 more he was furprifed to fee no veftiges of 
 handfome houfes, no cities, nor any mark of 
 elegant defign. His conduftor perceived his 
 furpnfe, obferved, that the inhabitants of this 
 new world were perfedly content with their an- 
 cient fimplicity, each had a houfe, which tho' 
 homely, was fufficient to lodge his little family ; 
 they were too good to build houfes, which could 
 only increafe their own pride, and the envy of 
 the fpeftator ; what they built was for con- 
 venience, and not for fhow. '' At leaft then/* 
 faid Afem, " they had neither architeds, paint- 
 " ers, or ftatuaries, in their fociety ; but thefe 
 ** are idle arts, and may be fpared. However, 
 '' before I fpend much more time here, you 
 '* fhould have my thanks for introducing me 
 *• into the fociety of fome of their wifeft men : 
 *' There is fcarce any pleafure to me equal to 
 '« a refined converfation ] there is nothing of 
 
 <« which 
 
fc6 ESSAYS. 
 
 *' which lam fo enamoured as wifdom." *'Wii- 
 ** dom !" replied his intlrudor, ** how ridicu- 
 ** lous! We have no wifdom here, for we have 
 *' no occafion for it; true wifdom is only a 
 '•knowledge of our own duty and the duty of 
 '* others to us: But of what ufeisfuch wifdom 
 ** here ? each intuitively performs what is right 
 •* in himfelf, and experts the fame from oth- 
 '* ers. If, by wifdom, you fliould mean vain 
 '* curiofity and empty fpeculation ] as fuch 
 " pleafures have their origin in vanity, luxury, 
 ** or avarice, we are too good to purfue them."^ 
 " All this may be right/' fays Afem ; " but me- 
 " thinks I obferve a folirary difpofition prevail 
 " among the people; each family keeps fepar- 
 *' ately within their own precincis witaout fo- 
 " ciety or without intercouvfc.'* *' That in- 
 *' deed is true," replied the other; " here is no 
 '' eftablifhedfociety ; nor ihould there be any : 
 ** All focieties are made either through fear or 
 ** friendfhip ; the people v/e are among are too 
 *' good to fear each other ; and there are no mo- 
 ** tives to private friendfhip, where all areequal- 
 *' ly meritorious." *' Well then," faid the 
 fceptic, *' as I am to fpend my time here, if I 
 *' am to have neither the polite arts, nor wif- 
 *' dom, nor friendfhip in fuch a world, I fhould 
 *'* be glad, at leaft, of an eafy companion, who 
 " may tell me his thoughts, and to whom I may 
 ** communicate mine." "And to whatpur- 
 " pofe fhould either do this ?" fays the genius r 
 *^ PUattery or curiofity are vicious motives, and 
 ** never allowed of here; and wifdom is out of 
 ♦« the quefcion," . ^' StilV 
 
ESSAYS. 107 
 
 ** Still, however/' ("aid Afem, ** the inhabit- 
 ** ants miift be happy ; each is contented with 
 ** his' own polfelfions, nor avariciouily endeav- 
 ** oui'S to heap up more than is neceffary for 
 ** his own {ubiillence; each has therefore leifure 
 *^ to pity thofe that fland in need of his com- 
 ** paflTion/* He had fcarce fpoken when his 
 cars were afTaulted with the lamentations of a 
 wretch who fat by the way fide, and, in the moft 
 deplorable diflrefs, feemed gently to murmur at 
 his own mifery. Afem immediately ran to his 
 relief, and found him in the lafl flage of a con- 
 fumption. *' Strange," cried the fon of Adam, 
 " that men who are free from vice fhould thus 
 '* fufFer fo much mifery v/ithout relief!'* ** Be 
 ** not furprifed,'* faid the wretch who was dy- 
 ing, ** would it not be the utmoft injuftice for 
 '* beings, who have onlyjufl fufficient to fup- 
 *' port themfelves, and are content with a bare 
 ** fubfiftence, to take it from their own mouths 
 *' to put it into mine ? They never are poifelfed 
 ** of a fingle meal more than is neceffary ; and 
 *' what is barely neceffary, cannot be difpenfed 
 ** with,*' *' They fhould have been fupplied 
 *' with more than is neceffary," cried Afem ; 
 '' and yet I contradi6i; my own opinion but a 
 ** moment before: All is doubt, perplexity and 
 *' confufion. Even the want of ingratitude is 
 '* no virtue here, fince they never received a 
 '* favor. They have, however, another ex- 
 *' cellency yet behind; the love of their coun- 
 *' try is fliil, I hope, one of their darling 
 ** virtues." ^* Peace, <•' Afem," replied the 
 
 guardian. 
 
io8 ESSAYS. 
 
 guardian, with a countenance not lefs fe- 
 
 vere than beautiful, *' nor forfeit all thy pre- 
 tcnlions to wifdom; The fame felfifh mo- 
 tives by which we prefer our own intereft 
 to that of others, induce us to regard our 
 country preferably to that of another. No- 
 thing lefs than univerfal benevolence is free 
 from vice, and that you fee is praftifed here." 
 Strange!" cries tke difappointed pilgrim, in 
 
 an agony of diHrefs ; '* What fort of a world am 
 I now inti*oduced to ? There is fcarce a fin- 
 gle virtue but that of temperance which they 
 pra£life; and, in that, they are no way fu- 
 perior to the very brute creation. There is 
 fcarce an amufement which they enjoy : For- 
 titude, liberality, friendfhip, wifdom, con- 
 verfation and love of country, all are virtues 
 entirely unknown here; thus it feems, that 
 to be acquainted with vice is not to kiaow 
 virtue. Take me, O my genius, back to 
 that very world which 1 have del pi fed : A 
 world which has Alia for its coniriver, is 
 niuch more wifely formed than that which has 
 been projcilcd by Mahomet* Ingratitude, 
 contempt and hatred, I can novs^ fuffer; for 
 perhaps I have deferved them. When I ar- 
 raigned the wifdom of Pro\ndence, I only 
 fhowed my own ignorance : Henceforth let 
 me keep from vice m.yfelf, and pity it ift 
 others." 
 
 He had fcarce ended, when the genius, af^ 
 iming an air of terrible complacency, called 
 
 all hi^ thunders around hini, and vani'lhed in A 
 
 whirlwindi 
 
ESSAYS. 109 
 
 whirlwind. Afem, aftoniflhed at the terror of 
 the fcene, looked for his imaginary world ; 
 when, calling his eyes around, he perceived 
 himfelf in the very lituation, and in the very 
 place where he firft began to repine and defpair : 
 His right foot had juft been advanced to take 
 the fatal plunge, nor had it been yet withdrawn ; 
 fo inftantly did providence flrike the feries of 
 truths juft imprinted on his foul. He now de- 
 parted from the water fide in tranquillity, and, 
 leaving his horrid manfion, travelled to Segef- 
 tan, his native city ; where he diligently appli- 
 ed himfelf to commerce, and put in praftice 
 that wifdom he had learned in folitude. The 
 frugality of a few years foon produced opu- 
 lence ; the number of his domeftics increafed ; 
 his friends came to him from every part of the 
 city ; n^r did he receive them v/ith difdain : 
 And a youth of mifery was concluded with aa 
 old age of elegance, affluence and eafe. 
 
 ESSAY xvn. 
 
 IT is allowed on all hands, that our Englilk 
 divines receive a more liberal education, and 
 improve that education, by frequent ftudy, 
 more than any others of this reverend profef- 
 fion in Europe. In general, alfo, it may be 
 obferved, that a greater degree of gentility is 
 annexed to the charader of a ftudent in Encr. 
 land, than elfewhere; by wliich means, our 
 K clergy 
 
iio ESSAYS. 
 
 clergy have an opportunity of ieeing better com- 
 pany while young, and of fooner wearing off 
 thofe prejudices young men are apt to imbibe 
 €ven in the bed regulated univerfities, and 
 which may be jullly termed the vulgar errors 
 «f the wife. 
 
 ^ Yet, with all thefe advantages, it is very ob- 
 vious, that the clergy are no where fo littile 
 thought of by the populace as here ; and, tho' 
 our divines are foremoft, with refpe£l to abili- 
 ties, yet they are found lad in the effe6ls of their 
 miniftry ; The vulgar, in general, appearing no 
 way impreffed with a fenfe of religious duty. 
 I am not for whining at the depravity of the 
 times, or for endeavoring to paint a profpe6l 
 more gloomy than in nature : But certain it is, 
 no perfon who has travelled will contradi6t me, 
 when 1 aver,that the lower orders of mankind, in 
 other countries, teftify, on every occafion, th« 
 profoundefl: awe of religion ; while in England, 
 they are fcarcely awakened into a fenfe of its 
 duties, even in circumftances of the greatefl dif- 
 trefs. 
 
 This diflfolutc and fearlefs condu6l, foreign- 
 ers are apt to attribute to climate and conflitu- 
 tion. May not the vulgar, being pretty much 
 neglcfted in our exhortations from the pulpit, 
 be a confpiring caufe ? Our divines feidom (loop 
 to their mean capacities : and they who want 
 inftrudion moll, find leaft in our religious af- 
 fcmblies. 
 
 Whatever may become of the higher orders 
 rf mankind, who arc generally poffeffedof coU 
 
 lateral 
 
E S S A Y S. 114 
 
 I^eral motives to virtue, the vulgar fhould be 
 particularly regarded, whofe behaviour in civil 
 life is totally hinged upon their hopes and fears, 
 Thofe who conilitute the bafis of the great fab^ 
 ric of fociety, Ihould be particularly regarded ; 
 for, in policy, as in archiiedure,Muiais moll 
 fatal when it begins from the bottom. 
 
 Men of real fenfe and underflanding prefer a 
 prudent mediocrity to a precarious popularity ;, 
 and, fearing to out do their duty, leave it half 
 done. Their difcourfes from the pulpit are 
 generally dry, methodical and unaffe6ling ; de- 
 livered with the mofl infipid calmnefs ; info- 
 TDUch, thatjihouid the peaceful preacher lift up 
 his head over the cufhion, which alone he feems 
 to addrefs, he might difcover his audience. in- 
 Head of being awakened to remorfe, a6iually fleep- 
 ing over his methodical and labored compofiiion. 
 
 This method of preaching is, however, by 
 fome called afn addrefs to reafon and not to the 
 paffions ; this is flyled the making of converts 
 from convi6lion. But fuch are indifferently ac» 
 quainted with human nature, who are not fend- 
 ble, that men feldom reafon about their de- 
 baucheries till they are committed. Reafon is 
 but a weak antagonift, when headlong paflion 
 di6lates : In all fuch cafes we fbouid arm one 
 paflion againfl another. It is with the human 
 mind as in nature, from the mixture of two op- 
 pofites, the refult is moft frequently neutral 
 tranquillity. Thofe who attempt to reafon us 
 out of our follies begin at the wrong end, fmce 
 the attempt naturally prefuppofes us capable of 
 
 reafon ; 
 
112 ESSAYS. 
 
 reafon ; but, to be made capable of this, is one 
 great point of the cure. 
 
 There are but few talents requifite to become 
 a popular preacher ; for the people are eafily 
 pleafed, if they perceive any endeavors in the 
 orator to pleafe them : The meaneil qualifica- 
 tions will work this efFetSl, if the preacher fin- 
 cerely fets about it. Perhaps little, indeed very 
 little more is required, than fincerity and alTur- 
 ance ; and a becoming fincerity is always certain 
 of producing a becoming affurance. " Si vis me 
 ^'Jiere, dckndum ejl. prvmum tihi ipfi," is fo trite 
 a quotation, that it almofl demands an apolo- 
 gy to repeat it. Yet, though all allow the juf- 
 tice of the remark, how few do we find put it 
 in pradice ! Our orators, with the mpft faulty 
 baihfulnefs, feem imprefftd rather with an awe 
 of their audience, than with a juft refpe6l for 
 the truths they are about to deliver ; they, of 
 all profeffions, feerp the moft bafhful, who have 
 the greatefl: right to glory in their commifTion. 
 The French preachers generally alTume all 
 that dignity which becomes men who are am- 
 bafiadors from Chrifl : The Engliih divines, 
 like erroneous envoys, feem more foli»citous not 
 ro offend the court to which they are fent than 
 TO drive home the intereft of their employer. 
 The bifhop of MafTilIon, in the fir fl fermon he 
 ever preached, found iht whole audience, upon 
 his getting into the pulpit, in a difpofition no 
 way favourable to his intentions. Their nods, 
 whifpers, or drowfy behaviour, fhowed him 
 that there was no great profit to be expe6led 
 
 from 
 
ESSAYS. 113 
 
 from his fowing in a foil (o improper. Howr- 
 ever he foon changed the difpofition of his au- 
 dience, hy his manner of beginning," If," fays 
 he, " a caufe the mod important that could be 
 conceived, were to be tried at the bar before 
 qualified judges ; if this caufe interefled our- 
 leives in particular ; if the eyes of the whole 
 kingdom were fixed upon the event; if the 
 rhoft eminent counfel were. em. pi eyed on both 
 fides; and if we had heard from our infanc)^ 
 of this yet Imdetermined trial, would you not 
 all (it with due attention, and warm expe6ta- 
 tion, to the pleadings on each fide i Would 
 not all your hopes and fears be hinged upon 
 the final dc^cifion ? And y^yl^t me tell you, 
 you have this moment a caufe of much great- 
 er importance before you; a caufe where, not 
 one nation, but all the world are fpe6lators ; 
 tried , not before a fallible tribunal, but the 
 awful throne of Heaven ,% where, not your 
 temporal and tranfito^ry %t^reils are the fub- 
 je6t of debate, but youi eternal happinefs or 
 m.iferj', where the caufe is ftill andetermined : 
 But, perhaps the very moment I am fpeaking 
 may fix the irrevocable decree that fliall lalt 
 forever; and yet, notwithfianding all this-, 
 you can hardly fit with patience to hear the 
 tidings of your own falvation. I plead the 
 caufe of Heaven, and yet I am fearceiy at- 
 tended to," Sec. 
 The ftyie, the abruptnefs of a beginning like 
 this, in the clofet wdu-ld app'ear abfurd; but in 
 the pulpit, it is attended-with-jfte-moft lafliiig 
 K 2 imprefTion^ : 
 
114 ESSAY S. 
 
 impreflions : That ftyle which, in the clofet,. 
 might juftly be called flimfy, feems the true 
 mode of eloquence here. I never read a fine 
 compofition, under the title of fern^on, that I 
 donot think the author hasmifcalled his piece;, 
 for the talents to be ufed in writing well, en- 
 tirely differ from thofe of fpeaking well. The 
 qualifications for fpeaking, as has been already 
 obferved, are eafily acquired; they are accom- 
 plifhments which may be taken up by every 
 candidate who will be at the pains of flooping. 
 ImprefT^d with a fenfe of the truths he is about 
 to deliver, a preacher difregards the applaufe or 
 the contempt of his audience, and he infenfibly 
 affumes a jufl and manly fincerity. With this, 
 talent alone we fee what crowds are drawn 
 around enthufiafts, even deftitute of common^ 
 fenfe ; what numbers converted to chriflianity. 
 Folly may fometimes fet an example for wifdom. 
 to pra6iife ; and our regular divines may bor- 
 row inftru6lion even from methodifls, who go 
 their circuits, and preach prizes among the pop- 
 ulace. Even Whitefield may be placed as a 
 model to fome of our young divines ; let them 
 join to their own good fenfe his earnefl manner 
 of delivery. 
 
 It will perhaps be obje6led, that by confin- 
 ing the exceUencies of a preacher to proper 
 aflurance, earneftnefs, and opennefs of ftyle, I 
 make the qualifications too trifling for eff iina- 
 tion ; there will be fomething called oratory- 
 brought up on this occafion ; adion. attitude, 
 grace, elocution, may be repeated as abfolute- 
 
ESSAYS. Its. 
 
 ly necelFary to complete the chara6ler. But let- 
 us not be deceived. Common fenfe is feldom 
 fwayed by fine tones, mulical periods, juft at- 
 titude, or the difplay of a white handkerchief: 
 Oratorial behaviour, except in very able hands 
 indeed , generally fmks into awkward and pal- 
 try affe6lation. 
 
 It muft be obferved, however, that thefe rule& 
 are calculated only for him who would inftru6l 
 the vulgar, who (land in need of inftru6l- 
 ion. To addrefs philofophers, and to obtain 
 the character of a polite prsacher- among the 
 polite — a much more ufelefs, tho' more fought 
 for chara6ler — requires a different method of 
 proceeding. All I ihall obferve on this head, 
 is, to intreat the polemic divine, in his contro- 
 verfy with the deifls, toa6l rather ofFenfively than 
 tD defend; to pufh home the grounds of this, 
 belief, and. the impra£licability of theirs, rather 
 than to fpend time in folving the obje61ions of 
 every opponent. '^ It is ten to one/' fays a 
 late writer on the art of war, " but that the af- 
 *^ failant who attacks the enemy in his trenches, 
 *■ is always vi£lorious/' 
 
 Yet, upon the whole, our clergy might em- 
 ploy themfelves more to the bufinefs of fociely, 
 by declining all controverfy, than" by exhibit- 
 ing even the profoundeft Ikill in polemic dif- 
 putes : Their ^ ntefts with each other often turn 
 on fpeculative trifles; and their difputes with 
 the deifts are alrnofl; at an end, fince they can 
 have no more than vidory ; and that they are 
 already pofTefTed of, as their antagoniRs have 
 
 been 
 
ii6 ESSAYS. 
 
 been driven into a confefTion of the neceflity of 
 revelation, or an open avowal of atheifm. To 
 continue ^he difpute longer, would only endan- 
 ger it: The fceptic is ever expert at puzzling a 
 debate which he finds himfelf unable to con- 
 tinue ; " and, like an Olympic boxer, general- 
 '' ly fights befl when undermofl. " 
 
 ESSAY XVIII. 
 
 HAVE frequently been amazed at the ig- 
 norance of almoft all the European travel- 
 lers, who have penetrated any confiderable way 
 caftward into Afia. They Piave all been influ- 
 enced either by motives of commerce or piety^ 
 and their accounts are fuchas might reafonably 
 be expeded from men of a very narrow or very 
 prejudiced education, the dilates of fuperftition, 
 or the refult of ignorr..nce. Is it not furprifing, 
 that, of fuch a variety of adventurers, not one 
 fingle philofopher fiiould be found among the 
 number ? For as to the travels of Gemelii, the 
 learned are long agreed th-at the \^;hole is but 
 an impoilure. 
 
 There is fcarce any country, how rude or un- 
 cultivated foever, where the inhabitants are not 
 poiTcffcd of Ibme peculiar fecret;^ either in na- 
 tuie or art, wliich might be tranfplanted with 
 fuccefs. Thus, for in fiance, in Siberian Tar- 
 tary, the natives extra6l a flrong fpirit from 
 milk, which is a fecret unknown to the chvmills 
 
 of 
 
ESSAYS. 117 
 
 of Europe. In the mofl favage parts of India 
 they are poffeired of the fecret of dying veg- 
 etable fubflances fcarlct, and likewife that of 
 refining lead into a metal, which, for hard- 
 nefs and colour, is little inferior to filver ; not 
 one of which fecrets but would, in Europe, 
 make a man's fortune. The power of the 
 Afiatics in producing winds, or bringing do^\'n 
 rain, the Europeans are apt to treat as fabu^ 
 lous, becaufe they have no inftances of the 
 like nature among thcmfelves : But they would 
 have treated the fecrets of gunpowder and the 
 mariner's compafs in the fame manner, had 
 they been told the Chineie ufed fuch arts, be- 
 fore the invention was common with them- 
 felves at home. 
 
 Of all the Englifh philofophers, I mofh rever- 
 ence Bacon, that great and hardy genius. He 
 it is who, undaunted by the feeming difficul- 
 ties that oppofe, prompts human curiofity to 
 examine every part of nature; and even exhorts 
 man to try whether he cannot fubje6^ the tem- 
 pefl, the thunder, and even earthquakes, to hu- 
 man control. Oh ! had a man of his daring 
 fpirit, of his genius, penetration and learning, 
 travelled to thofe countries which have been vif- 
 ited only by the fuperftitious and mercenary, 
 What might not mankind expecl ! how vowld 
 he enlighten the regions to which he travelled! 
 and What a variety of knowledge and ufeful 
 improvement would he not bring back in ex- 
 cliange! 
 
 There' 
 
ii8 ESSAYS. 
 
 There is probably no country fo barbarous 
 that would nol difclofe all it knew% if it re- 
 ceived equivalent information; and I am apt 
 to think, that a perfon, who was ready to give 
 more knowledge (ban he received, would be 
 welcome wherever he came. All his care in 
 travelling, fhould only be to fuit his intelleQu- 
 ai banquet to the people wiih whom he con- 
 verfed : He fliculd not attempt to teach the un- 
 lettered Tartar aflronomy, nor yet inftru6i: the 
 poliie Chinefe in the arts of fubfiflence : He 
 fhould endeavor to improve the barbarias.in the 
 fecrets of living comfortably : And the inhab- 
 itant of a more refined country in the fpecula- 
 tive pleafures of fcience. How much more no- 
 bly would a philofopher, thus employed, fpend 
 his time, than by fitting at home, earneftly in- 
 tent upon adding one liar more to his cata- 
 logue, or one monller more to his coUe^lion ? 
 or ftill. if poffible, more triflingly fedulous in 
 the incatenation ' of fleas, or the fciilpture of 
 cherry ftones ? 
 
 I never confider this fubj j61, without being 
 furprifed that none of thofe focieties, fo lauda- 
 bly eflablifhed in England for the promo- 
 tion of arts and learning, have ever thought 
 of fending one of their members into the mod 
 caftern parts of Afia, to make w^hat difcoveries 
 he was able. To be convinced of the utility 
 of fuch an undertaking, let them but read the 
 relations of their own travellers. It will there 
 be found, that they are as often deceived them* 
 fdvcs, as they attempt to deceive others. The 
 
 merchants 
 
ASSAYS. iig 
 
 ttierchants tell us, perhaps, the price of differ- 
 ent commociiLies, the methods of baling them 
 up, and the properell manner for an European 
 to preferve his health m the country. The mif- 
 fionary, on the other hand, informs us with 
 what piea>fure the country to which he was fent 
 embraced Chriftianity, and the numbers he con- 
 verted; what methods he took to keep Lent in 
 a region where there were no fifh, or the fhifthe 
 made to celebrate the rites of his religion, in 
 places where there were neither bread nor wine: 
 Such accounts, with the ufual appendages of 
 marriages and funerals, infcriptions, rivers and 
 mountains, make up the whole of an European 
 traveller's diary : But as to all the fecrets of 
 which the inhabitants are poflfelTed, thofe are 
 univerfally attributed to magic ; and when the 
 traveller can give no other account of the won- 
 ders he fees performed, he very contentedly af- 
 cribes them to the devil. 
 
 It was an ufual obfervation of Boyle, the 
 Englifhchymift, that if every artift would but 
 dilcovcrwhatnewobfervations occurred to him 
 in the exercife of his trade, philofophy would 
 thence gain innumerable improvements. It 
 may be obferved, with ftill greater juftice, that 
 It the ufeful knowledge of every country, how- 
 loever barbarous, w^as gleaned by a judicious 
 oblcrvcr, the advantages would be ineftimable. 
 'Are there not, even in Europe, many ufeful in- 
 ventions, known or praaifed but in one place? 
 i he infirument, as an example,for cutting down 
 corn in Gertrany, is much more handy and ex. 
 
 peditious 
 
J20 ESSAYS. 
 
 peditious, in my opinion, than the fickle ufed 
 in England. The cheap and expeditious man- 
 ner of making vinegar, without previous fer- 
 mentation, is known only in a part of France, 
 If fuch difcoveries therefore remain ftill to be 
 known at home, what funds of knowledge 
 might not be colleded in countries yet unex- 
 plored, or only paffed through by ignorant 
 travellers in hafty caravans ? 
 
 The caution with which foreigners are re- 
 ceived into Afia, may be alleged as an objec- 
 tion to fuch a defign. But how readily have 
 feveral European merchants found admiffion 
 into regions the mofl fufpicious, under the 
 chara6ler of Sanjapans or northern pilgrims ! 
 To fuch, not even China itfelf denies accefs. 
 
 To fend out a traveller properly qualified for 
 thefe purpofes, might be an obje6l of national 
 concern : It would in fome meafure, repair the 
 breaches made by ambition ; and might fhow 
 that there were dill fome who boafted a greater 
 name than that of patriots, who profefled them- 
 felves lovers of men. 
 
 The only difficulty would remain in choofing 
 a proper perfon for fo arduous an enterprife. 
 Ke fhould be a man of a philoiophic turn, one 
 apt to deduce confequences of general utility 
 from particular occurrences; neither fwoln with 
 pride, nor hardened bv prejudice ; neither Vv^ed- 
 ded to one particular i^yHeu-i^ nor inftru6led on- 
 ly in one particular fcience : Neither wholly a 
 bctaniil, nor quite an antiquarian. His mind 
 {•hould be tinctured with mifcellaneous knowl- 
 edge, 
 
ESSAYS. 
 
 121 
 
 edge, and his manners humanized by an intei- 
 courfe with men. He (hould be in fome meaf- 
 ure, an enthufiaft to the dehgn ; fond of trav- 
 elling, from a rapid imagination, and an in- 
 nate love of change : Furnifhed with a body oa-^ 
 pable of fullaining every fatigue, and a heart 
 not eaiily terrified at danger. 
 
 ESSAY XIX. 
 
 THE improvements we make in mental ac- 
 quirements, only render us each day 
 more fenfible of the defe6is of our conftitution : 
 With this in view, therefore, let us often recur 
 to the amufements of youth ; endeavor to for- 
 get age and wifdom, and, as far as innocence 
 goes, be as much a boy as the bed of them. 
 
 Let idle declaimers mourn over the degene- 
 racy of thfe age : But, in my opinion, every age 
 is the fame. This 1 am fure of, that man, in 
 every feafon, is a poor fretful being, with n® 
 other means to efcape the calamities of the 
 times, but by endeavoring to forget them ; for, 
 if he attempts to refTft, he is certainly undone. 
 If I feel poverty and pam, I am not fo hardy as 
 to quarrel with the executioner, even while un- 
 der corre6lion : I find myfelf no way difpofed 
 to make fine fpeedies, while lam making wry 
 faces- In a word, let me drink when the fit is 
 L OH, 
 
122 E S S A Y «S. 
 
 on, to make me infenfible ; and drink when it 
 is over, for joy that I feel pain no longer. 
 
 The charafter of old FalftafF, even with all 
 his faults, gives me more confolation than the 
 mofl (ludied efforts of wifdom : I here behold 
 an agreeable old fellow, forgetting age, and 
 fhowing me the way to be young at fixty five. 
 Sure I am well able to be as merry, though not 
 fo comical as he. — Is it not in my power to 
 have, though not fo much wit, at leaft as much 
 vivaciiy ? — Age, care, wifdom, refledlion, be 
 gone — I give you to the winds. Let's have 
 t'other bottle: Here's to the memory of Shake- 
 fpear, FalllafF, and all the merry men of Eaft- 
 cheap. 
 
 Such w^ere the reflexions that naturally arofe 
 while I fat at the Boar's Head tavern ftill kept 
 at Eaflcheap. Here, by a pleafant fire, in the 
 very room where old Sir John FalflafF cracked 
 his jokes, in the very chair which was fometimes 
 honored by Prince Henry, and fometimes pollut- 
 ed by his immoral merry companions, I fat and 
 ruminated on the follies of youth ; wilhed to be 
 young again ; but was refolved to make the 
 bell of life while it lafted, and now and then 
 compared pad and prefent times together. I 
 confidered myfelf as the only living reprefenta- 
 tive of the old knight, and tranfportcd my im- 
 agination back to the limes when the prince 
 and he gave life to the revel, and made even 
 debauchery not difgufting. The room alfo 
 confpired to throw my reflections back into an- 
 ^ifjuity : The oak floor, the Gothic v/indows, 
 
 9nd 
 
E S S A Y S. i2| 
 
 and the ponderous chimney piece, had long 
 withftood the tooth of time ; the watchmen had 
 gone twelve ; my companions had all flolen off, 
 and none now remained with me but the land- 
 lord. From him I could have wifhed to know 
 the hiftoiy of a tavern that had fuch a long fuc. 
 ceffion of cullomers. I could not help think- 
 ing, that an account of this kind would be a 
 pleafing contraft of the manners of different 
 '^igcs ; but my landlord could give me no in. 
 formation. He continued to doze and fot, and 
 tell a tedious (lory, as mofi other landlords ufu- 
 ally do ; and though he laid nothing, yet was 
 never filent : One good joke followed another 
 good joke; and the beft joke of all was gene« 
 rally begun towards the end of a bottle. I 
 found at lail, however, his wine and his con. 
 verlation operate by degrees : He infen fibly be- 
 gan to alter his appearance. His cravat feem- 
 ed quilted into a ruff, and his breeches fwelled 
 into a fardingale. I now fancied him chang- 
 ing iexes : And, as my eyes began to clofe in 
 flumber, I imagined my fat landlord adually 
 converted into as fat a landlady. However, 
 fleep made but few changes in my fituation :' 
 i he tavern, the apartment, and the table con- 
 tinued as before; nothing fuffered mutation 
 but my hoft, who was fairly altered into a gen- 
 tlewoman, whom I knew to be Dame Quickly 
 miltreis of this tavern in the days of Sir John ; 
 and the liquor we were drinking, feemed con- 
 verted into lack and fugar, 
 
 ** My 
 
124 ESSAY S. 
 
 " My dear Mrs. Quickly/' cried I, (for I 
 knQw her perfc6tly well at lirft fight) " I am 
 '■ heartily glad to fee you. How have you left 
 '• Falftaff, Piftol, and the reft of our friends be- 
 
 • low ftairs ? Brave and hearty I hope ?" " In 
 '■ goad footh," replied fhe, *' he did deferve to 
 ''live forever; but he maketh foul work on't 
 •• where he hath flitted. Queen Proferpine and 
 •' he have quarrelled, for his attempting a rape 
 •• upon her divinity; and were it not that fhe 
 
 • ftili had bowels of com pa (lion ; it more than 
 ' fcems probable he might have been now 
 '-• fprawling in Tartarus. 
 
 1 now found that fpirits flill preferve the 
 frailties of the flefli ; and that, according to the 
 laws of criticifm and dreaming, ghoiis have 
 been known to be p;uilty of even more than 
 Platonic affeflion : Wherefore, as I found her 
 loo much moved on fuch a topic to proceed, I 
 3»vras refolved to change the fubje6l ; and, de- 
 firing fhe would pledge me in a bumper, ob- 
 ferved, with a figh, that our fack was nothing 
 now to what it was in former days : ** Ah, 
 Mrs. Quickly, thofe were merry times, when 
 you drew fack for Prince Henry ; men were 
 twice as ftrong, and twice as wife, and much 
 braver, and ten thoufand times more charitable 
 than now. Thofe were the times ! The battle 
 of Agincourt was a victory indeed ! Ever fmce 
 that, we have only been degenerating : And I 
 have lived to fee the day when drinking is na 
 longer fcjfljionable ; when men wear clean lliirts, 
 and women fhow their necks and arm.s. All 
 
 are 
 
« S S A Y S. 125 
 
 are degenerated, Mrs. Quickly; and wc fhall 
 probably, in another century, be frittered away 
 into beaux or monkies. Had you been on earth 
 to fee v/hat I have feen, it would congeal all the 
 blood in your body (your foul I mean.) Why, 
 our very nobility now have the intolerable arro- 
 gance, in fpite of what is every day remonftrat- 
 ed from the prels ; our very nobility, I fay, have 
 the alfurance to frequent alTemblics, and pre fume 
 to be as merry as the vulgar. See, my very 
 friends have fcarce manhood enough to fit to it 
 till eleven ; and I only am left to make a night 
 on/t. Pr'ythee d<d me the favor to confole 
 me a little for their abfence, by the (lory of 
 your own adventureSj-Tir the hiflory of the tavern-* 
 where we are now fitting : I fancy the narra- 
 tive may have fomething hngular.'' 
 
 *' Obferve this apartment," interrupted my 
 companion, " of neat device and excellent 
 workmanfhip — In this room I have lived, child, 
 woman and ghoft, more than three hundred 
 years. I am ordered by Pluto to keep an an- 
 nual regifter of every tranfaQion that pafTed 
 here ; and I have whilom compofed three hun- 
 dred tomes, which eftfoons may be fubmitted 
 to thy regards.'' *• None of yourwhiloms or 
 eftfoons, Mrs. Quickly, if you pleafe," 1 replied: 
 '' I know you can talk every v/hit as well as I 
 can ; for, as you have lived here fo long, it is 
 but natural to fuppofeyou fhould learn thecon- 
 verfation of the company. Believe me, dame, 
 at bed, you have neither too much fenfe, or 
 too much language to fpare ; fo give me both 
 L 2 as 
 
i26 ESSAYS. 
 
 as well as you can : But, firft, my fervice t© 
 you ; old women fhould water their clay a lit- 
 tie now and then ; and now to your ftory/' 
 
 "The (lory of my own adventures," replied 
 the vifion* is but fhort and unfatisfaftory; for 
 believe me, Mr. Rigmarole, believe mc, a wo- 
 man with a butt of fack at her elbow, is never 
 long lived. Sir John's death afflided me to 
 lucha degree, that I fmcerely believe, to drown 
 forrow, I drank more liquor myfelf than I drew 
 lor my cuftomers : My grief was fincere. and 
 the fack was excellent. The prior of a neigh- 
 boring convent (for our priors then had as much 
 power as a Middlefex juflice now) he, I fay, it 
 was who gave a licence for keeping a diforderly 
 houfe; upon condition, that I ihould never 
 make hard bargains with the dergy ; that he 
 liquid have a bottle of fack every morning, and 
 ^ liberty of confeHTrng which of my girls he 
 tiiought proper in private, every night, I had 
 continued, for fevcn years, to pay his tribute ; 
 and he, it muft be confelTed, continued as rig- 
 oroufly to expe6l it. I grew old infenhbiy : 
 My cuflomers continued, however, to compli- 
 ment my looks while I was by ; but I could 
 hear them fay I was wearing when my back was 
 turned. The prior, however, dill was conftant, 
 and fo were half his convent : But one fatal 
 morning he miffed the ufual beverage ; fori 
 had incautioufly drank over night the lafl: bottle 
 myfelf. What will you have on't? — The very 
 next day Doll Tearlheet and I were fent to the 
 %&ufe of correSion, und accufed of keeping a 
 
 low 
 
ESSAYS.' 127 
 
 low bawdy houfe. In fhort, we were lb well 
 purified there with ftripes, mortification and 
 penance, that we were afterwards utterly unfit 
 for worldly converfation. Though fack woukl 
 have killed me, had I fluck to it, yet I foon 
 died for want of a drop of fomething comfort- 
 able, and fairly left my body to the care of the 
 beadle. 
 
 '* Such is my own hiftory; but that of the 
 tavern, where I have ever lince been ilationed, 
 affords greater variety. In the hiftory of this, 
 which is one of the oldefl in London, you may 
 view the different manners, pleafures, and fol- 
 lies of men at different periods. You will find 
 mankind neither better nor worfe now than for- 
 merly ; the vices of an uncivilized people are 
 generally more deteflable, though not fo fre- 
 quent, as thofe in polite fociety. It is the fame 
 luxury which formerly ituffed your aldermen 
 with plumb porridge, and now crams him with 
 turtle. It is the fame low ambition that for- 
 merly induced a courtier to give up his religion 
 to pleafe his king, and now perfuades him 
 to give up his confcience to pleafe his mailer. 
 It is the fame vanity that formerly flained our 
 ladies' cheeks and necks with woad, and now 
 paints them with carmine. Your ancient Briton 
 formerly powdered his hair with red earth, like 
 brick dull, in order to appear frightful : Your 
 modern Briton cuts his hair on the crown, and 
 piaflers it with hog's lard and tlour; and this 
 t® make him look killing. It is the fame 
 vanity, the fame foily and the Tame vice, only 
 ^ appearing 
 
J28 ESSAY S. 
 
 appearing diflPerent, as viewed through theglaft 
 of fafhion. In a word, all mankind are — " 
 
 '' Sure the woman is dreaming," interrupted 
 Ijf ," None of your reflexions Mrs. Quickly, 
 ^you love me ; they only give me the fpleen. 
 Tell me your hiflory at once. I love flories, 
 but hate reafoning/' 
 
 '' If you pleafe, then Sir/' returned my com- 
 panion, *' rilreadyouan abftra6l which I made 
 of the tHree hundred volumes I mentioned juft 
 now. 
 
 '• My body was no fooner laid in the dull 
 than the prior and feveral of his convent came 
 to purify the tavern from the pollutions with 
 which they faid I had hlled it. Mafles were 
 faid in every room, reliques were expofed upon 
 every piece of furniture, and the whole houfe 
 waflied with a deluge of.holy water. My hab- 
 itation was foon converted into a monaflerv : 
 inftead of cuflomersnow applying for fack and 
 fugar, my rooms were crowded with images, 
 reliques, fainis, whores and friars; inftead of 
 being a fcene of occafional debauchery, it was 
 now filled with continual lewdnefs. The prior 
 led the fafhion, and the whole convent imitated 
 his pious example. Matrons came hither to 
 confefs their fins and to commit new. Virgins 
 came hither, who feldom wetit^virgins away. 
 Nor was this a convent peculiarly '"vV'icked ; eve- 
 ry convent, at that period, was equally fond of 
 pleafure, and gave a boundlefs loofe to appe- 
 tite. The laws allowed it; each prieil had a 
 right to a favcRite companion, and a power of 
 
 difcarding 
 
ESSAYS. 129 
 
 difcarding her as often as be pleafed. The laity 
 grumbled, quarrelled with their wives and 
 daughters, hated their confelTors, and maintain- 
 ed them in opulence and eafe. Thcfe. thefe were 
 happy times, Mr. Rigmarole : Thele were times 
 of piety, bravery and hmplicity \" " Not fo 
 very happy neither, good madam ; pretty much , 
 like the prefent : Thofe that labor, flarve ; and 
 thofe that do nothing, wear hne clothes, and 
 live in luxury/' 
 
 '' In this manner the fathers lived, for fome 
 years, without moleftation : They tranfgrefred, 
 confelfed themfelves to each other, and were 
 forgiven. Oug e\'ening, however, our prior 
 keeping a lady of dillin6lion fomewhat too long 
 at confeffion, her hufband unexpededly came 
 in upon them, and teilified ail the indignation 
 that^was natural upon fuch an occafion. The 
 prior aifured the gentleman that it was the devil - 
 who had put it into his heart ; and the lady was 
 very certain, that fhe w^as under the influence of 
 magic, or iht fhould never have behaved in fo 
 unfaithful a manjier. The hufband, however, 
 was not to be put off by fuchevahons, but fum- 
 moned both before the tribunal of ju (lice. His 
 proofs were flagrant, and he expe61;ed large 
 damages. Such, indeed, he had a right to ex-^ 
 pe6l, were the tribunals of thofe days confliiut- 
 ed in the fame manner as they are now. The 
 caufe of the priefl: w^as to be tried before an af- 
 fembly of priefts ; and a layman was to expe6l 
 redrefs only from their impar^jity and candor. 
 What pka then do you thialclhe prior made to 
 
 obviate 
 
130 ESSAY S. 
 
 obviate this accufation ? He denied the faft, 
 and challenged the plaintiff to try the merit^ of 
 thejr caufe by fingle combat. It was a little 
 hard, you may be fure, upon the poor gentle- 
 man, not only to be made a cuckold, but to 
 be obliged to fight a duel into the bargain ; yet 
 fuch was the juftice of the times. The prior 
 threw, down his glove, and the injured hufband 
 was obliged to take it up, in token of his ac- 
 cepting the challenge. 
 
 '• Upon this the priexl fupplied his champion, 
 for it w^s not lawful for the clergy to fight ; 
 and the defendant and plaintiff, accordmg to 
 cuflom, v;'ere put in prifon; both ordered to fall 
 and pray, every method being previoufly ufed 
 to induce both to a confeflion of the truth. 
 After a month's imprifonment, the hair of each 
 was cut, the bodies anointed with oil, the field 
 of battle appointed and guarded by foldiers, 
 while his majeffy prefided over the whole in 
 perfon. Both the champions were fworn not to 
 leek vidory either by fraud or magic. They 
 prayed and confeffed upon their knees ; and af- 
 ter thefe ceremonies, the refl was left to the 
 courage and condu6l of the combatants. As 
 the companion whom the prior had pitched up- 
 on, had fought fix or eight times upon fimilar 
 occafions, it was no way extraordinary to find 
 him vi61orious in the prefent combat. In fhort, 
 the hufband was difcomfited : He v/as taken 
 from the field of battle, flapped to the fliirt, 
 and, after one of|^is legs was cut off, as juRice 
 ordained in iuch cafcSj he was hanged as a terror 
 
 to 
 
ESSAYS. 131 
 
 to future offenders. Thefe, thefe were tke 
 times, Mr. Rigmarole ! you fee how much more 
 juft, and wife, and valiant, our anceflors were 
 than us." *' I rather fancy, Madam, that the 
 times were then ' pretty much like our own ; 
 where a multiplicity of laws gives a judge as 
 much power as a want of law ; (ince he is ever 
 fure to find among the number fome to counte- 
 nance his partiality." 
 
 '' Our convent, vidorious over their ene- 
 «mies, nov7 gave a loofe to the derhonflration of 
 joy. The lady became a nun, the prior was 
 madeabifhop, and three WicklifStes were burn- 
 ed in the illuminations and fire works that were 
 made on the prefent occafion. Our convent 
 now began to enjoy a very high degree of repu- 
 tation. There was not one in London that had 
 the chara6ier of hating heretics fo much as ours. 
 Ladies of the firft diftinQion chofe from our 
 roDvent their confefTors; in fhort, it flourifhed, 
 and might have flourifhed to this hour, but for 
 a fatal accident which terminated in its over- 
 throw. The lady whom the prior had placed 
 in a nunnery, and whom he continued to vifit 
 for fome time with great puncluality, began at 
 lad to perceive that ihe was quite foifaken. Se- 
 cluded from Gonverfation, as ulual, (he now en- 
 tertained the vifions of a devotee; found her- 
 felf (Irangely diilurbed; but heiitated in deter- 
 mining whether fhe was pofTciTed by an angel 
 or a demon. She v/as not long in fufpenfe ; 
 for upon vomiting a large quantity of crooked 
 pin,s, and finding the palms of her hands turned 
 
 outwards, 
 
132 
 
 ESSAYS. 
 
 ©utwards, flie quickly concluded that fiie was 
 poflelled by the devil. She foon lofl entirely 
 the ufe of fpeech ; and, when Ihefeemed to 
 fpeak, every body that was prefent perceived 
 that her voice was not her own, but that of the 
 devil within her. In fhort, fhe was bewitched ; 
 and all the difRculty lay in determining who it 
 could be that bewitched her. The nuns and 
 the monks all demanded the magician's name, 
 but the devil made no reply ; for he knew they 
 had no authority to aik queftions. By the rules 
 of witchcraft, when an evil fpirit has taken pof- 
 felTion, he may refufe to anfwer any queftions 
 afked him,unlefs they are put by a bifhop; and 
 to thefe he is obliged to reply. A bifhop there- 
 fore, was fent for, and now the whole fecret 
 came out. The devil reludantly owned that 
 he was a fervant of the prior; that, by his com- 
 mand, he refided in his prefent habitation ; and 
 that, without his command, he was refolved to 
 keep in poiTeffion. The bifhop was an able 
 exorcift ; he drove the devil out by force of 
 myftical arms; the prior was arraigned for 
 witchcraft ; the witneflfes were ftrong and nu- 
 merous againil him, not lefs than fourteen per- 
 fons being by, who had heard the devil talk 
 Latin. There was no refilling fuch a cloud of 
 witneffes : The prior was condemned ; and he 
 who had aflifted at fo many burnings, was burn- 
 ed himfelf in turn. Thefe weie times, Mr. 
 Rigmarole; the people of thefe times were not 
 inhdels, as now, but finccre believers!" — 
 *' Equally faulty with ourfclves : They believed 
 
 wh&t 
 
ESSAYS. isB 
 
 wliat the devil was pi ea fed to tell them ; and 
 we feem refolved, at lad, to believe neither God 
 jLior devil." 
 
 After fuch a (lain upon the convent, it was 
 not to be fuppofed it could fubfill any longer; 
 the fathers ivere ordered to decamp, and the 
 houfe was once again converted into a tjivern. 
 The king conferred it on one of his caft off niif- 
 trelTcs : She was conRituted landlady by royal 
 authority; and, as the tavern v/as in the neigh- 
 borhood of the court, and the niiftrefs a very 
 polite woman, it began to have more bufinefs 
 than ever, and fometimes took not lefs than four 
 Ihiliings a day. 
 
 " But perhaps you are defirous of knowing 
 tvhat were the peculiar qualifications of women 
 of faihion at that period ; and in a defcription 
 of the prefent landlady, you will have a tolera- 
 ble idea of all the reR. This lady was the 
 daughter of a nobleman, and had received fuck 
 an education inthecountryas became her qual- 
 ity, beauty and great expeclations. She could 
 make lliifts and hofe for herfeif and all the ler^ 
 vants of the family, when ihe was twelve year*- 
 old. She knev/ the names of the four ajid twent}'' 
 letters, fo it was impoffible to bewitch her; 
 and this was a greater piece of learning than any 
 lady in the whole country coiild pretend to. 
 She was always up early, and fa wbreakfaft ferv- 
 id in the great hali by fix o'clock. At this 
 ■ fcene of feflivity ihe generally improved good 
 humour, by telling her dreams, relating ftories 
 ©f fpirits, fevered of which ihi.^ herfeif had feen ; 
 M and 
 
J 34 E S S A t S. 
 
 SLud one of which fhe was reported to have kilL 
 ed with a black hafted knife. From thence 
 ihe ufually went to make pafiry in the larder, 
 and here fhe was followed by her fweethearts, 
 who were much helped on in converfation by 
 flruggling with her for kifTes. About ten, 
 JMifs generally went to play at hotcockles and 
 blind man's buff in the parlour ; and when the 
 young folks (for they feldom played at hot- 
 .cockles when grown old) were tired of fuch 
 amufements, the gentlemen entertained Mifs 
 with the hillory of their grey hounds, bear bait.- 
 ings and vi6lories at cudgel playing. If the 
 weather was fine, they ran at the ring, (liot at 
 butts, while Mifs held in her hand a ribbon, 
 with which fhe adorned the conqueror. Her 
 mental qualifications were exa6lly fitted to her 
 external accomplifhments. Before (he was fif- 
 teen, fhe could tell the flory of Jack the Giant 
 Killer, could name eveiy mountain that was 
 inhabited by fairies, knew a witch at firll fight, 
 and could repeat four Latin prayers without 
 a prompter. Her drefs was perfe6lly fafhiona^ 
 ble ; her arms and her hair were completely 
 covered ; a monftrous ruflF was put round her 
 ;ieck ; fo that her head feemed like that of 
 John the Baptitl placed in a charger. In fhort, 
 when completely equipped, her appearance was 
 fo very modeft, th^t fhe difcovered little more 
 than her .nofe. Thefe were the times, Mr. 
 Rigmarole, v^hen every lady that had a good 
 nolc might fet up for a beauty ; when ever^ 
 woman that could tell (lories might be cried 
 
 up 
 
ESSAYS. 1^'^ 
 
 Qp for a wit." *' I am as much difplcafed at 
 thofe drell'es which conceal too much, as at 
 thofe which difcover too much. lam equally aa 
 enemy to a female dunce, or a female pedant." 
 
 *' You may be fare that Mifs chofe a huf- 
 band wi^h qualifications refembling her own ; 
 fhe pitched upon a courtier, equally remarka- 
 ble for hunting and drinking, who had given fev- 
 eral proofs of his great virility among the daugh- 
 ters of bis tenants and domeflics. They fell ia 
 love at fird fight, (for fuch was the gallantry of 
 the times) were married, came to court, and 
 Madam appeared with fuperior qualifications. 
 The king was flruck wilH her beauty. Alt 
 property was at th€ king's command ; the huf- 
 band was obliged to refign all* pretenfions ia 
 his wife to the fovereign whom God had anoint- 
 ed to commit adultiery where he thought prop- 
 er. The king loved her for fome time ; but, 
 at length, repenting of his- mifdeeds, and infli- 
 gated by his father confeffor, from a principle 
 of confcience removed her from his levee to 
 the bar of this tavern, and took a neiv raillrefs 
 in her flead. Let it not furprife you to be- 
 hold the miftrefs of a king degraded to fo hum- 
 ble an office. As the ladies had no mental ac- 
 compliihments, a good face was enough to raift; 
 them to the royal couch : And fhe who was this 
 day a royal miftiefs, might, the next, when her 
 beauty palled upon enjoyment, be doomed ta 
 infamy and want. 
 
 " Under the care of this lady, the tavern- 
 grew into great reputation : The courtiers had 
 
 not 
 
136 ESSAYS. 
 
 not yet learned to game, but they paid it ofF by 
 drinkincr. Drunkennefs is ever the vice of a 
 "barbarous, and gaming of a luxurious age. 
 They had not fuch frequent entertainments as 
 the moderns have, but were more cxpen five and 
 more luxurious in thofe they had. All their 
 icoleries weie more elaborate, and more admir- 
 ed by the great and the vulgar than now. A 
 eourtier has been known to fpend his whole 
 fortune at a fmgle feafl ; a king to mortgage his 
 dominions, to furnifh out the frippery of a tour- 
 nament. There were certain days appointed 
 for riot and debauchery ; and to be fober at 
 fuch times, was reputed a crime. Kings them- 
 felves fet the example ; and I have feen mon- 
 archs in this room drunk before the entertain- 
 ment was half concluded. Thefe were the 
 times, Sir, when kings kept miftreflTes, and got 
 drunk in publick : They were too plain and fim- 
 ple in thofe happy times, to hide their vices,, 
 and a6t the hypocrite, as now." '* Lord ! Mrs* 
 Quickly," interrupting her, " I e^pe6fed to 
 liave heard a ftory, and here you are going to 
 tell me, I know not what, of times and vices ; 
 pr'ythee let me entreat thee once more to wave 
 reflexions, and give thy hiflory without devia- 
 lioi?/' 
 
 " No ladv upon earth/' continued my vif- 
 jonary correfpondent, '' knew how to put off 
 bcr damaged w-ine or women with more art 
 than (he. When thefe grew flat, or thofe pal- 
 try, il was but changing the names ; the wine 
 became excellcxit, and the girls agreeable. Sh« 
 
ESSAYS. iQ^ 
 
 \j *' 
 
 was alfopofrp-fiedof the engaging leer, the chuclc 
 under the chin, winked at a double entendre, 
 could nick the opportunity of calling for foihe- 
 thing comfortable, and perfectly underflood th« 
 difcreet moments when tx> withdraw. The gal- 
 lants of thofe times pretty much refernbled th« 
 bloods of ours ; they were fond of pleafure, but 
 quite ignorant of the art of refining upon it. 
 Thus, a court bawd of thofe times refernbled 
 the common low lived harridan of a modern 
 bagnio. Witnefs, ye powers of debauchery, 
 how often I have been prefent at the various 
 appearances of drunkennefs, riot, guilt and bru- 
 tality ! A tavern is. a true piclure of human in- 
 firmity : In hiftory we find only one fide of the 
 age exhibited to our view ; but, in the accounts 
 of a tavern, we fee every age equally abfurd 
 and equally vicious. 
 
 " Upon this lady's deceafe, the tavern was 
 fucceflively occupied by adventurers, bullies, 
 pimps and gameflers. Towards the conclu- 
 fion of the reign of Henry yi I,, gating was 
 more uniyerfally prjiQifed in England than even 
 now. Kings themfelves have been known to 
 play off, at Primero, not only all the money and 
 jewels they could part with, but the very imag- 
 es in churches. The Lift Henry played away 
 in this very room, not only the four great bells 
 of St. Paul's cathedral, but the fine image of 
 St. Paul, which flood on the top of the fpire, 
 ix) Sir iMiles Partridge, who took them down 
 the next day, and fold them by au6lion. Have 
 you then any caufe to regret being born in the 
 M 1 times 
 
ASS ESSAY S. 
 
 times you now live ? Or do you dill believe that 
 human nature continues to run on declining 
 every age ? It we oblerve the a6iions of the 
 bufy part of mankind, your anceftors will be 
 found infinitely more grofs, fervile, and even 
 didionett, than you. If, forfaking hiftory, we 
 only trace them in their hours of amufement 
 and diflipation, we fliall find them more fenfu- 
 al, more entirely devoted to pleafure, and in- 
 finitely more felfifh. 
 
 '' The laft hoitefs of note 1 find upon record, 
 was Jane Roufe. She was born among the 
 lower ranks of the people ; and, by frugality 
 and extreme complaifance, contrived to acquire 
 SL moderate fortune. This fhe might have en- 
 joyed for many years, had (lie not unfoitunately 
 quarrelled with one of her neighbors, a woman 
 who was ic high repute for fan61ity through 
 the whole parilh. In the times of which I 
 fpeak, two women feldom quarrelled, that one 
 did not accufe the other of witchcraft ; and fhe 
 who firrt^ contrived to vomit crooked pins, was 
 fure to come off victorious. The Icandal of a 
 modern tea table differs widely from the fcan- 
 d'al of former tinies. The fafcination of a lady's 
 eyes, at prefent, is regarded as a compliment ; 
 but, if a lady, formerly, fhould be accufed of 
 having witchcraft in her eyes, it v/ere much 
 better both for her foul and body that flie had 
 no eyes at all. 
 
 " In fhort, Jane Roufe was accufed of 
 witchcraft ; and, though fhe made the befl de- 
 fence {he could, it was all to no purpofe ; ftie 
 
 was 
 
E S S A Y S. 139 
 
 was taken from her own bar to the bar of the 
 Old Bailey, condemned and executed accord- 
 ingly. Thefe were times indeed ! when even 
 women could not fcold in fafety. 
 
 '- Since her time, the tavern undenvent feve- 
 ral revolutions, according to the fpirit of the 
 limes, or the difpofition of the reigning mon- 
 arch. It was this day a brothel, and tldt next 
 a conventicle for enthufiaRs. It was one year 
 noted for harboring whigs, and the next, infa- 
 mous for a retreat to tories. Some years asro it 
 was in high vogue, but at prefent it feems de- 
 clining. This only may be remarked m gene- 
 ral, that, whenever taverns flourilh moil, the 
 times are thenmofl extravagant and luxurioas/' 
 *' Lord 1 Mrs. Quickly," interrupted I, '* you 
 have really deceived m.e ; I expecled a romance, 
 and here you have been this half hour giving me 
 only a defcription of the fpirit of the times. If 
 you have nothing but tedious remarks to com- 
 municate, feek fome other hearer ; I am deter- 
 mined to hearken only to [lories. " 
 
 I had fcarce concluded, when my eyes and 
 ears feemed opened to my landlord, who had 
 been all this while giving me an account of the 
 repairs he had made in the houfe ; and was now 
 got into the flory of the cracked glafs in the 
 dining room. 
 
 ESSAY 
 
140 ESSAY S. 
 
 ESS A Y XX. 
 
 WHATEVER may be ilic merits of the- 
 Englifli in other fcienecs, they feem 
 peculiarly excellent in the art of healing. There 
 is fcarceiy a diforder incident to humanity, 
 againft which our advertifmg do61:ors are not 
 poifeiTed with a mod infallible antidote. The 
 profelTors of other arts confefs the inevitable in- 
 tricacy of things ; talk with doubt, and decide 
 with hefilation : But doubting is entirely un- 
 known in medicine : the advertiiins^ orofeflTors 
 here, delight in cafes of difficulty : Be the dif- 
 order neves fo defperate or radical, you will 
 find numbers in every flreet, who, by levelling 
 a pill at the part affefted, promife a certain cure 
 without lofs of time, knowledge of a bed fel- 
 low, or hindrance of bufmefs. 
 
 -When 1 confider the afliduity of this profef- 
 fion, their ;benevolence amazes me. They not 
 Only, in general, give their medicines for half 
 value, but ufe the moft perfuafive remonflran- 
 ces lo induce the fick to come and be cured. 
 Sure there mull be fomething ilrangely obRi- 
 nate in an Englifli patient, w^ho refufcs fo much 
 health upon fuch eafy terms ! Does he take a 
 pride in being bloated with a dropfy ? Does he 
 find pleafurein the alternations of an intermit- 
 tent fever ? or feel as much fatisfaQionin nurf-. 
 ing uv the gout, , he found pleafure in ac- 
 quiring it ? He mud ; othefwiielie would nev- 
 er reje6l fuch repeated aJlurances of inflant re- 
 lief. 
 
ESSAYS. iit 
 
 Itef. What can be more convincing than the- 
 manner in which the fick are invited to be well ? 
 The do61;or firft begs the mod earneil atten- 
 tion of the publick to what he is going to pro- 
 pofe ; he folemnly affirms, the pill was never 
 found to want fuccefs * he produces a lift of 
 thofe who have been refcued from the grave by 
 taking it. Yet, notwithftanding all this there 
 are many here, who now and then think proper 
 to be fick : — Only fick, did I fay ! — There are 
 fome who even think proper to die ! Yes, by 
 the head of Confacius, they die ; though they 
 might have purchsfed the health reftoring fpe- 
 €ifickfor half a crown at every corner. 
 
 I can never enough admire the fagacity of 
 ihis country for the encouragement given to the 
 profedbrs of thi'S art. With \vhat indulgence 
 does fhe fofter up thofe of her own growth, and 
 kindly cherifh thofe that come from abroad ! 
 Like a fkilful gardener, ftie invites th€m from 
 every foreign climate to herfelf. Here every 
 great exotick ftrikes root as foon as imported, 
 and feel'S the genial beam of favour : While the 
 mighty metropolis, like one vafl munifice"nt 
 dunghill, receives them indifcriminately to her 
 breaft', and fupplies each with more than native 
 nourifhment. 
 
 In other countries the phyfician pretends to- 
 cure diforders in the lump : The fame do6lor 
 who combats the gout in the toe, fliall pretend 
 to prefcribe for a pain in the head ; and he who 
 at one time cures a confumption, Iball at an^ 
 ©.{.her giwe drugs for a dropfy. How abfurd 
 
 arid 
 
142 E S S A Y S'. 
 
 and ridiculou^s ! This is being a mere Jack of 
 «ll trades. Is the animal machine lefs com- 
 plicated than a brafs pin? Not lefs than ten dif- 
 ferent hands are required to make a brafs pin ; 
 and ftiall trhe body be fet right by one fingle op- 
 erator ? 
 
 The Engliih are fenfible of the force of this 
 reafoning : They have'therefore one doctor for 
 tbe eyes, another for the toes ; they have their 
 fciatica do61ors, and inoculating do6lors ; they 
 have one doctor who is modeftly content with 
 fdcuring them from bug bites, and five hundred 
 who prefcribe for the bite of mad dogs. 
 
 But as nothing pleafes curio hty more than 
 anecdotes of the great, however minute or trif- 
 ling, I mull prefent you, inadequate as myabil* 
 ities are to the fubjcci:, with an account of one 
 or two of thofe perfonages who lead in this hon- 
 orable profelhon. 
 
 The firil upon the lift of glory, is doEior 
 Richard Rock, F. U. N. This great man is 
 fiioit of ftature; is fat, and waddles as he walks. 
 He always wears a white three tailed W*ig, nice- 
 ly combed, and frizzled upon each cheek. 
 Sometimes he carries a cane, but a hat never : 
 It is indeed very remarkable that this extraor- 
 dinary perfonnge niould never wear a hat ; but 
 fo it is, a hat he never wears. He is ufually 
 drawn at the top of his own bills, fitting in 
 his arm chair holding a little bottle between his 
 finger and thumb and furrounded with rotten 
 teeth, nippers, pills, packecs, ar^ gallypots.-J 
 No man can promife fairer or better than he ; 
 
 for, 
 
E S S A y S. i4g 
 
 for. as he obferves, ** Be your diforder never fo 
 far gone, be \inder no uneafmefs, make your- 
 felf quite eafy, I cinn cure you. 
 
 The next in fame, though b}' fome reckoned 
 of equal pretenfions, is Doctor Timothy Franks, 
 F. O. G. H. living in the Old Baily. As Rock 
 is remarkably fquab, his great rival Franks is re- 
 markably tail. He was born in the year of the 
 Chriftian era 1692, and is, u'hile I now write, 
 exa6lly fixty eight years, threem.onths, and four 
 days old. Age, however, has no wife impair- 
 ed his ufual health and vivacity : I am told he 
 generally walks with his bread open. This 
 gentleman, who is of a mix^ed reputation, is 
 particularly remarkable for a becoming affur- 
 ance, which carries him gently through life .; 
 for, except Do6lor Rock, none are more bleff- 
 ed with -the advantages of face than Do£lor 
 Franks. 
 
 And yet the great have their foibles as well 
 as the little. I am almofl alliamed to mention 
 ••it. — Let the foibles of the great reil in peace — 
 'Yet I mufl impart the whole — Thefe two great 
 men are actually iiow at variance ; like mere 
 •men, mere common mortals. Rock advifes 
 the world to beware of bog trotting quacks ; 
 Franks retorts the wit and thefarcafm, by fixing 
 on his rival the odious appellation of Dump^in^ 
 Dick ! He calls the ferious Dodor Rock, 
 Dumpling Dick ! Head of Confucius, what 
 profanation ! Dumpling Dick ! What a pity^ 
 ye powers, that the learned, who v/ere borm 
 STkutuallj to affifl in enlightening the worlds 
 
 ihould 
 
x^4 E S S A" Y S^ 
 
 fhould thus differ among themfelves, and make . 
 even the profefTion ridiculous ! Sure the world ; 
 is wide enough, at lead, for two great perfona- ^ 
 cres to figure in : Men of fcience fliould leave j| 
 controverfy to the little world below them ; 
 and then we might fee Rock and Franks walk- 
 ing together, hand in hand, fmiling, onward t© 
 immortality. 
 
 ESSAY XXI. 
 
 AM fond of amufement in whatever com- 
 ^ pany it is be found ; and wit, though dreff- 
 cd in rags, is very pleafing to me. I went fome 
 days ago to take a v/alk in St. James's Park, 
 about the hour in which company leave it logo 
 to*dinner. There w^ere but few in the walks, , 
 and ihofe who ftayed, feemed by their looks 
 rather more willing to forget that they had an 
 anpetite, than gain one. I far down on one of the 
 benches, a: the other end of which was feated 
 a man in very fliabby clothes. 
 
 We continued to groan, hem and to cough, 
 as ufual upon fuchoccafions ; and, at lafl, ven- 
 tured upon converfation. '' I beg pardon.^ fir," 
 cri^d I, '' but I think I have feen you berore ; 
 your face is familiar to me." 'vYts, fir," re- 
 plied he, " I have a good familiar face, as my 
 friends tell mc. I am as well known in every 
 town in England as the dromedary, oi live croc- 
 odile. You mua underiland, fir, that I have 
 
 been 
 
ESSAYS. 145 
 
 been thefe fixteen years Merry Andrew to a 
 puppet fhow. Lafl Bartholomew fair my mai- 
 ler and I quarrelled, beat each other, and part- 
 ed : He to fell his puppets to the pincuftiion 
 makers in Rofemary lane, and I to ftarve in 
 St. Jame's Park/' 
 
 '* I am forry, fir, that a perfon of your ap- 
 pearance fhould labor under any difficulties/* 
 <' O fir,'' returned he, ** my appearance is very 
 much at your fervice ; but, though I cannoC 
 boall of eating much, yet there are few that are 
 merrier : If I had twenty thou fan d a year, I 
 fliould be merry ; and, thank the fates, though 
 not worth a groat, I am very merry ftill. If I 
 have three pence in my pocket, I never refufc 
 to be my three halfpence ; and if I have no mon- 
 €y, I never fcorn to be treated by any that are 
 kind enough to pay my reckoning. What 
 think you, fir, of a ileak and a tankard ? You 
 fhall treat me now, and I will treat you again 
 when I find vou in the Park in love with eat- 
 ing, and without money to pay for a dinner." 
 
 As I never refufeafmall expenfe for the fake 
 <5f a merry companion, w-e iriRantly adjourned 
 to a neighboring alehoiife ; and, in a few mo- 
 ments, had a frothing tankard, and a fmoaking 
 fleak fpread on the table before U5, It is impoifi- 
 ble to exprefs how much the fight of fuch good 
 cheer improved my companion's vivacity. *' I 
 like this dinner, fir," fays he, " for three rea- 
 fons : Firft, becaufe 1 am naturally fond of beef ^ 
 fecondly, becaufe I am hungry ; and, thirdly 
 And lafily, becaufe I get it for nothing': Na 
 N meat 
 
146 ESSAYS. 
 
 meat eats fo fweet as that for which wc do not 
 pay/' 
 
 He therefore now fell to, and his appetite 
 feemedto correfpond with his inclination. Af- 
 ter dinner was over, he obferved that the fleak 
 was tough; '' and yet, fir," returned he, *' bad 
 as it was, it feemed a rump (leak to me. O 
 the delights of poverty and a good appetite ! 
 We beggars are the very fondlings of nature; 
 ihe rich flie treats like an arrant flep mother; 
 they are pleafed wiih nothing : Cut a Itcak from 
 what part you will, and it is infupportably 
 tough ; dreis it up with pickles — even pickles 
 cannot procure them an appetite. But the 
 whole creation is filled with good things for the 
 beggar: Calven's butt out tailes champaigne, 
 and Sedgeley's home brewed excels tokay. Joy, 
 joy, my blcod; though our eflates lie no where, 
 we have fortunes wherever we go. If an inun- 
 dation fwecps away half the grounds of Corn- 
 wall, I am content; I have no lands there: If 
 the (locks fink, that gives me no uneafinefs ; I 
 am no Jew.*' The fellow's vivacity, joined to 
 Jiis poverty, I own, raifed my curiohty to know 
 fomething of his life andcircumflances : And I 
 entreated that he fliould indulge my defire — 
 *' That I will, Sir," faid he, " and welcome ; 
 only let us drink, to prevent our fleeping ; let 
 us^ have another tankard, while we are awake ; 
 for all, how charming a tankard looks when 
 full! 
 
 *' You mud know, then, that I am very well 
 defccadcd : My anccllers have made fome noif« 
 
 in 
 
ESSAYS. .\7 
 
 in the world ; for my mother cried oyfters, and 
 iny father beat a drum : I am told, we have 
 even had fome trumpeters in our family. Many 
 a nobleman cannot fliew fo refpe6lful a genealo- 
 gy : But that is neither here nor there. As I 
 was their only child, my father defigned to breed 
 me up to his own employment, which was that 
 of a drummer to a puppet Ihow. Thus, the 
 whole employment of my younger 3^ears 
 wa6 that of interpreter to Puncjb and king Solo- 
 mon in all hrs glory. But, though my father 
 was very fond of inftruQing me in beating all 
 the marches and points of war, I made no very- 
 great progrefs, becaufe I naturally had no ear 
 for mufick ; fo, at the age of fifteen, I went and 
 lifted for a foldier. As I had ever hated beat- 
 ing a drum, fo I foon found that I difliked car- 
 rying a muilcet alfo ; neither the one trade nor 
 the other were to my tafte, for 1 was by nature 
 fond of being a gentlemen : Befides, I was oblig- 
 ed to obey my captain ; he has his will, I have 
 mine, and you have yours : Now I very reafen- 
 ably concluded, that it was much more com- 
 fortable for a man to obey his own will than 
 anoLher's. 
 
 ** The life of a foldier foon therefore gave me 
 the fpleen. I afked leave to quit thefervice; 
 but as I was tall and flrong, my captain thank- 
 ed me for my kind intention, and faid, becaufe 
 he had a regard for me, we fhould not part. I 
 wrote to my father a very difmal penitent letter, 
 and defrred that he wou4d r^ife money to pay 
 fc)r my difcharge ; but the good man was as 
 
 fond 
 
^4'' ESSAY S. 
 
 fond of drinking as I was; (Sir, my fervice t<^ 
 you) and tliofe who are fond of drinking never 
 pay for other people's difcharges ; in fhort, he 
 :>iever anfwered my letter. What could be done ? 
 ]t 1 have not money, faid I to myfelf, to pay for 
 •j5y difcharge, I mufl find an equivalent fome 
 other v/ay ; and thatmuft be by runnino^ awav. 
 I defertedj and it anfwered my purpofe every bit 
 as well as if I had bought my difcharge. 
 
 ** Well, I was now fairly rid of my miiitar)r 
 employment : I fold my foldier's clothes, bought 
 worfe, and, in order not to be overtaken, took 
 the mod unfrequented roades palTible. One eve- 
 ning, as I was entering a village, I perceived a 
 man, whom 1 afterwards found to be the curate 
 of the parifti, thrown from his horfe in a miry 
 road, and almofl fmothered in the mud. He de- 
 fired my afliftaricc ; I gave it, and drevvr him 
 dut with fome difficulty. Pie thanked me for 
 my trouble, and was going off; but I followed 
 him home, for I alwavs loved to have a man 
 thank me at his Dwn door. The curate afked 
 a hundred quellions, and whofe fon I was ; 
 from whence I came, and whether I would be 
 faithful ? 1 anfwered him greatly to his fatif- 
 fa6lion ; and gave myfelf one of the bed char- 
 a6:ers in the world for fobriety, (Sir, I have the 
 honor of drinking your health) difcretion and 
 fidelity. To make a long ilory (hort, he want- 
 ed a fervaut, and hired me. V/ith him I liv- 
 ed but two months. We did not much like 
 each other : I was fond of eating, and he gave 
 me but litde to eat : I loved a pretty girl, and 
 
 the 
 
ESSAYS. 149 
 
 the old woman, my fellow fervant, was ill na- 
 tured and ugly. As they endeavored to (larve 
 me between them, I made a pious refolution to 
 prevent their committing murder. I flole the 
 eggs as foon as they were laid ; I emptied eve- 
 ry ""unfinifhed bottle that 1 could lay my hands 
 on ; whatever eatable came in my way was fure 
 tod'ifappear ; in fhort, they found I would not 
 do ; fo I was dHcharged one morning, and 
 paik three {hillings and fix pence' for two 
 month's wages. 
 
 '• While my m.oney was getting ready, I em- 
 ployed my felf in making preparations for my 
 departure. Two hens were hatchinginan out 
 houfe : I went and took the eggs ; and. not 
 to feparate the parents from the children, I 
 lodged hens and all in my knapfack. After 
 this piece of frugaljty, I returnedio receive my 
 money; and, with my knapfack on my back, 
 and a ftaff in my hand, I bade adieu, with tears 
 in my eyes to rny old benefador. I had not 
 gone far from the houfe, when I heard behind^ 
 me the cry ©f " Stop thief!" but this only in- 
 creafed my difpatch : It would have been fool- 
 ifh to flop, as I knew the voice could not be 
 levelled at me. Byt hold ; 1 think 1 paffed^ 
 thofe two months at the curate's without drink- 
 ing. Come, the times are dry ; and may this- 
 be my poifon, if ever I fpent two more pious, 
 ftupid months in all my life. 
 
 " Weji, after travelling fome days, whom^ 
 fliould I light upon but a company of Itrolling 
 Tiiayers. The moment I favf them at a diU 
 
 N % tance, 
 
ISO ESSAY s; 
 
 tance, my heart warmed to them : I had a fart 
 of natural love for every thing of the vagabond 
 order. They were employed in fettling their 
 baggage which had been overturned in a nar- 
 row way : I offered my affiftance, which they 
 accepted ; and we foon became fo well ac- 
 quainted, that they took me as a fervant. This 
 was a paradife to me : They fung, danced, drank, 
 eat and travelled, all at the fame time^, By 
 the blood of the Mirables, I thought 1 had 
 never lived till then. I grew as merry as a grig, 
 and laughed at every word that was fpbken. 
 They liked me as much as 1 liked them. I 
 was a very good figure, as you fee ; and, though 
 I was poor I was not modelt. 
 
 " I love a Rraggling life above all things in. 
 the world; fometimes good, fometimes bad; 
 to be warm to day, and cold tomorrow ; to 
 eat when one can get it, and drink when (the 
 tankard is out) it ftands before me. We ar- 
 rived that evening at Tenderden, and took a 
 large room at the Greyhound, where we refolv- 
 ed to exhibit Romeo and Juliet, with the fiine- 
 ral proceffion, the grave and the garden fcene. 
 Romeo was to be performed by a gentleman 
 from the Theatre Royal in Drury Lane ; Juliefc 
 by a lady who had never appeared on any (lage 
 before; and I was to fnuff the candies : All ex- 
 cellent in our way. We had figures enow, but 
 the difficulty was to drefs them. The fame 
 coat that ferved Romeo, turned with the blue 
 lining outwards, ferved for his friend Mercutio ; 
 % large piece of crape fufEced v^t once for Juliet's 
 
 petticoat 
 
ESSAYS, 
 
 *5« 
 
 petticoat and pall : A peflle and mortar from a 
 neighboring apothecary's, anfwered all the pur- 
 poies of a bell ; and our landlord's own family, 
 wrapped in white fheets,. ferved to fill up the 
 proceilion. In fhort there were but three figures- 
 among us that might be faid to be drefled with 
 any propriety ; I mean the nurfe, the llarved 
 apothecary and myfelf. Our performance gave 
 univerfal fatisfadion : The whole audience 
 were enchanted with our powers. 
 
 *' There is one rule by which a ilrolling play- 
 er may be ever fecure of fuccefs ; that is, in our 
 theatrical way of expreffing it, to make a great 
 deal of the chara6ler. To fpeak and a6t as in 
 common life, is not playing, nor is it what peo- 
 ple come to fee r Natural fpeaking, like fweet 
 wine, runs glibly over the palate, and fcarce 
 leaves any tafte behind it; but being high in a 
 part, refembles vinegar, which grates upon the 
 tafte, and one feels it while he is drinking. To 
 pleafe in town or country^ the way is, to cry, 
 wring, cringe into attitudes, mark th€ emphafis, 
 flap the pockets, and labor like one in the fall- 
 ing ficknefs : That is the way to work for ap- 
 plaufe; that i» the way to gain it. 
 
 '' As we received much reputation for our 
 (kill on this firft exhibition, it was but natural 
 for me to afcribe part of this fuccefs to myfelf r 
 IJ'nufFed the candles ; and let me tell you, that, 
 without a candle fnuffer, the piece would lofe 
 half its embelliOiments. In this manner we 
 continued a fortnight, and drew tolerable houf"" 
 es ; but the evening before our intended de- 
 parture, 
 
552 ESSAY S. 
 
 piirture, we gave out our very bell }3iece^ iit 
 which all our ftrength was to be exerted. Wo 
 had great expefelations from this, and even doub- 
 Jed our prices, when behold one of our princi- 
 pal a6lors fell ill of a violent fever. This was a 
 flroke like thunder to our little company; they 
 were refolved to go in a body, to fcold the manf 
 for falling fick at fo inconvenient a time, and 
 that too of a diforder that threatened to be cx- 
 paifive : I feized the moment, and offered to 
 a 61 the part myfelf in his ftead. The cafe was 
 defperate ; they accepted my offer; and I ac- 
 cordingly fat down with the part in my hand, 
 and a tankard before me. (Sir, your health) 
 and ftudied the chara6ler, which was to be re- 
 hearfed the next day, and played foon after. 
 
 " I found my memory exceflively helped by 
 drinking: I learned my part with alloniiliing. 
 Rapidity, and bade adieu tofnuffing candles ever 
 after. 1 found that nature had defigJied me 
 for more nobk employments, and I was refolv- 
 ed to take her when in the humour. We got 
 toprether in order to rehearfe : and I informed 
 my companions, mafters now no longer, of the 
 furpri fing change I felt within me. Let the 
 lick man, faid I, be under no uneafmefs to get 
 well again; I'll fill his place to univerfal fatif- 
 fa6tion : He may even die if he thinks proper ; 
 I'll engage that he fhall never be miffed. I rc~ 
 hearfed before them, llrurted, ranted, and re- 
 ceived applaufe. They foon gave out that n 
 new a6tor of eminence was to appear, and im-- 
 mediately all the genteel places were befpok^n.. 
 
 Before 
 
ESSAYS. 153 
 
 Before I afcended the Rage, however, I conclud- 
 ed withia myfelf, that, as I brought money ta 
 the houfes, 1 ought to have my fhare m the 
 profits. Gentlemen, faid I, addrelfing^ our 
 company, I don't pretend to dire6l you; far be 
 it from me to treat you with fo much ingrati- 
 tude : You have publifned my name in thebills 
 with the utmofl; good nature ; and, as affairs 
 iland, cannot a^: without me : So, gentlemen, 
 to fhow you my gratitude, 1 expeft to be paid 
 for my acling as much as any of you, otherwife 
 I declare off: Til brandifh my fnuffers, and 
 clip candles as ufual. This was a very difa. 
 greeable propofal,. but they found that it was 
 impoffible to refufe it ; t'was irrefiftable, it was 
 adamant: They confented, and I went on in 
 kino- Bajazet as my frowning brows bound with 
 allocking fluffed into a turban, while on my 
 captiv'd arms I brandifhed a jack chain. 
 
 Nature feemed to have fitted me for the part: 
 I was tall, and had a loud voice. My very 
 entrance excited univerfal applaufe. 1 looked 
 round on the audience with a fmile, and made 
 a mofl low and graceful bow, for that is the 
 rule among us. As it was a very paffionate part 
 1 invigorated my fpirits with three full glaffes 
 (the tankard is almoR out) of brandy. By Alia ! 
 it is almoii inconceivable how i went through 
 it : Tamerlane was but a fool to m€ ; though 
 he was fometiraes loud enough too, yet I was 
 flill louder than he: But then, befides, I had 
 attitudes in abundance. In general, I kept my^ 
 arms folded up thus, upon the pit of my ftom- 
 
 ach : 
 
154 ESSAY S. 
 
 ach : It is the way at Drury Lane, and has- 
 always a fine efiPed. The tankard would fink 
 to the bottom before I could get through the 
 whole of my merits r In fhort 1 came off like a 
 prodigy ; and fuch was my fuccefs, that I could 
 ravifh the laurels even from a furloin of beef. 
 The principal ladies and gentlemen of the town 
 came to me, after the play was over, to compli- 
 ment me upon my fuccefs ; one praifed my 
 voice, another my perfon. Upon my word, 
 fays the 'fquire's lady, he will make one of the 
 fineR a6lors in Europe : I fay it, and I think I 
 am fom.ething of a judge. — Praife in the begin- 
 ning is agreeable enough, and we recieve it as a 
 favor; but when it comes in great quantities, 
 we regard it only as a debt, which nothing but 
 our merit could extort: Inflead of thanking 
 them, 1 internally applauded myfclf. We were 
 de fired to give our piece a fecond time: We 
 obeyed; and I was applauded even more than 
 before. 
 
 " At lad we left the town, in order to be at 
 a horfe race at fome diftance from thence. I 
 fhall never think of Tenderden without tears of 
 gratitude and reipe6i. 7'he ladies and gentle- 
 men there, take t-*^' word for it, are very good 
 judges of p]r > 'nrs. Come, let us drink 
 
 their healths "■% Sir. We quitted the 
 
 town, I fay ; ana tnere was a wide difference 
 between my coming in and going out : I en- 
 tered the town a candle fnuffer, and I quitted 
 it a hero! — Such is the world; little today 
 and great to morrow. I could fay a great deat 
 
 more 
 
ESSAY S. 155 
 
 inore upon that fubje61; ; fomething truly fub- 
 lime upon the ups and downs of fortune ; but 
 it would give us both the fpleen, and fo I fhall 
 pafs it over. 
 
 *' The rac€s were ended before we arrived at 
 the next town, which was no fmall difappoint* 
 ment to our company : However, we were re- 
 solved to take all we could get. I played cap- 
 ital chara6l;ers there too, and came off with my 
 ufual brilliancy. I fmcerely believe I fhould 
 have been the firfl acior in Europe, had my 
 growing merit been properly cultivated ; but 
 there came an unkindly frofl which piped me 
 in the bud, and levelled me once more down to 
 the common ftandard of humanity. I played 
 Sir Harry Wildair ; all the country ladies were 
 charmed ; if I but drew out my fnuff box, the 
 whole houfe was in a roar of rapture; when I 
 jexercifed my cudgel, I thought they would 
 Jiave fallen into convulfions. 
 
 *' There was here a lady who had received ari 
 jedueation of nine months in London ; and this 
 gave her pretenfions (o tafle, which rendered 
 her theindifputable itiiftrefs of the ceremonies 
 wherever fhe came. She was informed of my 
 merits ; every body praiied r-^ : yet flie refaf- 
 £d at firfl going to f^e me, T; She could 
 
 not conceive, Ihe faid, v^wv fluff from 
 
 :» flroller ; talked fomethmg in praife of Gar- 
 rick, and amazed the ladies with her fkill in 
 enunciations, tones and cadences. She was at 
 lail, however, prevailed upon to go ; and it was 
 privately intimated to me, what a judge was to 
 
 bs 
 
iS6 E S S A V S. 
 
 be prefent at my next exhibition. However, 
 no way intimidated, I came on in Sir Harry, 
 one hand fluck in my breeches, and the other 
 in my bofom, asufual at Drury Lane; but, in- 
 llead of looking at me, I perceived the whole 
 audience had their eyes turned upon the lady 
 who had been nine months in London ; from 
 her they expe61ed the decifion which was to fe- 
 cure the general's truncheon in my hand, or 
 fmk me down into a theatrical letter carrier. I 
 opened my fnufFbox, took fnuff: The lady wa« 
 folemn, and fo were the reft. I broke my cudgel 
 on alderman Smuggler's back, (till gloomy, mel- 
 ancholy all. The lady groaned and Ihrugged her 
 (boulders. I attempted, by laughing myfelf, to 
 excite at lead a fmile ; but the devil a cheek 
 could I perceive wrinkled into lympathy. I 
 found it would not do. All my good humor now, 
 became forced; my laughter was converted into 
 hylleric grinning; and, while I pretended fpirits, 
 my eye ftiewed the agony of my heart. In fhort, 
 the lady camew^ith an intention to bedifpleafed, 
 and difpleafed (he was. My fame expired; I 
 am here; and — the tankard is no m.ore l" 
 
 ESSAY XXIL 
 
 WHEN Catharina Alexowna was made 
 emprefs of RulFia, the women were in 
 an actual (late.^ot oondage ; but (he undertook 
 to introduce mixed aiTemblies, as in other parts 
 of Europe. She altered the women's dreis by 
 
 fubfiituting 
 
ESSAYS- 157 
 
 lubflituting the fafhions of England. Inflead 
 of furs, Ihe brought in the ufe of taffeta and 
 damafk ; and cornets and commodes inflead of 
 caps and fable. The women now found them* 
 feives no longer (hut up in feparate apartments, 
 but faw company, vifited each other, and v/ere 
 prefent at every entertainment. 
 
 But as the laws to this effe6l were dire6led 
 to a favagc people, it is amufing enough the 
 manner in which the ordinances ran. AiTem* 
 bl ies were quite unknown among them : The 
 Czarina was fatisfied with introducing them, 
 for Ihe found it impolTible to render them po- 
 lite. An ordinance was therefore publifhed ac- 
 cording to their notions of breeding; which, as 
 it is a curiofity, and has never before been print- 
 ed, that we knov7 of, wq fhall give our readers. 
 
 *'l. The perfon at whofe houfe the affembly 
 is to be kept, Ihall fignify the fame hy hanging 
 out a bill, or by giving fome other publick no- 
 tice, by way of advertifement, to perfons of 
 both fexes. 
 
 **1I. The affembly ffiall not be open fooner 
 than four or five o'clock in the afternoon, nor 
 contiuue longer than ten at night. 
 
 " III. The mailer of the houfe fiiall not be 
 (Sbliged to meet his guells, or condu6l them 
 out, or keep them company ; but, though he 
 is exempt from all this, he is to find them 
 chairs, candles, liquors, t^^S all other ncceffa- 
 ries that company may aik^ior : He is likewife 
 to provide them with cards, dice and every 
 neceffary for gaming. 
 
158 ESSAYS. 
 
 *' IV. There fhall be no fixed hour for com- 
 ing or going away : It is enough for a perfon to 
 appear in the affembly. 
 
 '* V. t very one fliall be free to fit, walk, or 
 game, as hepleafes; nor (hall any one go about 
 to hinder him, or take exceptions at what he 
 does, upon pain of emptying the great eagle (a 
 pint bowl full of brandy :) It Ihali likewife be 
 fufficient, at entering, or retiring, to falutg the 
 company. 
 
 '*VI. Perfons of di{lin6lion, noblemen, fu- 
 perior officers, merchants *nd tradefmen of 
 note, headworkmen, efpecially carpenters, and 
 perfons employed in chancery, are to have lib- 
 erty to enter the jvffemblies ; as like^'ife their 
 wives and children. 
 
 **VI1. A particular place fhall be afTigned 
 the footmen, except thofe of the houfe, that 
 there may be room enough in the apartment de- 
 figned for the ail'embly. 
 
 ** VIII. No ladies are to get drunk upon 
 any pretence whatfoever ; nor fhall gentlemen 
 be drunk before nine. 
 
 ''IX. Ladies who play at forfeitures, quef- 
 tions and commands, &c. fhall not be riQtous : 
 No gentleman fhall attempt to force a kifs ; and 
 no perfon fhall offer to ftrike a woman in the 
 affembly, under pain of future exclufion." 
 
 Such are the (latutes upon this occafion, 
 which, in their very appearance, carry an air of 
 ridicule and fatire. But politenefs mufl. enter 
 every country by degrees ; and thefc rules re- 
 femble the breedinsr of a clown- — awkward, but 
 fipcere^ ESSAY 
 
ESSAYS. 159 
 
 ESSAY XXIIL 
 
 THE formalities, delays and difappoinN 
 ments that precede a treaty of marriage 
 here, are ufu'ally as numerous as thofe previous 
 to a treaty of peace. The hiws of this country 
 are finely calculated to promote all commerce 
 but the commerce between the fexc^. Their en- 
 couragements for propagating hemp, madder 
 and tobacco, are indeed ad-» irable! Marriages 
 are the only commoditv that meets with none. 
 
 Yet, from the vernal foftnefs of the air, the 
 verdure of the fields, the tranfparency of the 
 flrcams. and the beauty of the women, I know 
 fevv countries ^niore proper to invite to court- 
 fuip. Here, Loye might fpou among painted 
 lawns and warbling groves, and revel amidll 
 .gales, wafting^ at once both fragrrance and har- 
 mony . Yet it feems he has forfaken the ifland ; 
 and when a couple are now to bs married, mu- 
 tual love, or an union of minds, is the laft and 
 moft trifling confideration. If their goods and 
 chattels can be brought to unite, their fympa- 
 thetick fouls are ever ready to guarantee tlie 
 treaty. The gentleman's mortgaged lawn be- 
 comes enamoured of the lady's marriageable 
 grove : The match is ft ruck up, and both par- 
 lies are pioully in love — according to a6l of 
 parliament. 
 
 Thus they, v»'ho have a fortune, are pofTelfcd 
 at leaft of lomething that is lovely^ but I actu- 
 ally pity thofe who have none. 1 am told there 
 
 was 
 
i6o E S S A Y S. 
 
 was a time when ladies, with no other merit but 
 youth, virtue and beauty, had a chance for 
 hufbands, at lead among the minifters of the 
 church, or the ofBcers of the army. The blufh 
 and innocence of fixtecn was faid to have a pow- 
 erful influence over thofe two prof-eihons. But 
 of late, all the little traffick of biuihmg, ogling, 
 dumpling and fmiling, has been forbidden by 
 un a6t in that cafe wifely made and provided. 
 A lady's whole cargo of fmiles, fighs and whifp- 
 €rs, is declared utterly contraband, till fhe ar- 
 rives in the warm latitude of twenty two, where 
 commodities ofthis nature are too often found 
 to decay. She is then permitted to dimple and 
 fmile, when the dimples and fmiles begin to 
 forfake her ; and, when perhaps grown ugly, is 
 charitably entruftcd with an unlimited ufe of 
 her charms. Her lovers, howevf.r, by this time, 
 have forfaken her ; the captain has changed her 
 for another miftrefs : the niieft himfelf leaves 
 her in folitude to bewail her virdnitv, and flic 
 dies even without benefit of clergy. 
 
 Thus you find the Europeans difcouraging 
 love with as much earneftnefs as the radeli fav- 
 age of Sofa la. The genius is furely now no 
 more. In every region I find enemies in arms 
 to opprefs him. Avarice in Europe, jealoufy 
 in Perfia, ceremony in China, poverty among 
 the Tartars, and lufl; in Circaffia, are all pre- 
 pared to oppofe his power. The genius is cer- 
 tainly banifhed from earth, though once adored 
 under fuch a variety of forms. He is no where 
 to be found : And all that tha ladies of each 
 
 country 
 
ESSAYS. 161 
 
 countiy can produce, are but a few trifling re^ 
 lioues as inftances oi: his former reGdence anc 
 
 1 
 favor. 
 
 *' The genius of love, " fays the eaftern apo- 
 logue, '' had long refided in the happy plains 
 of Abra, vv'here every breeze was health, and 
 every found produced tranquillity. His tem- 
 ple at firil was crowded ; but every age leffon- 
 ed the number of his votaries, or cooled their 
 devotion. Perceiving therefore his altars ae 
 length quite deferted, he was refolved to re- 
 move to fome more propitious region ; and he 
 apprized the fair fex of every country, where 
 he could hope for a proper reception, to afferi: 
 their right to his prefence among them. In re- 
 turn to this proclamation, embaffies were fent 
 from the ladies of every part of the world to 
 invite him, and to difplay the fuperiority of 
 their claims. 
 
 *' And, firft, the beauties of China appeared. 
 No country could compare with them for mod- 
 cfty, either of look, drefs, or behavior ; their 
 eyes were never lifted from the ground : Their 
 robes, of the moil beautiful filk, hid their 
 hands, bofom and neck, while their faces only^ 
 were left uncovered. They indulged no airs 
 that might exprefs loofe defire, and they feemed 
 to fludy only the graces of inanimate beau» 
 ty. Their black teeth and plucked eyebrow $, 
 were, however, alleged by the , genius againft- 
 them ; but he (ct them entirely a fids, when h0^ 
 came to examine their little feet. 
 
 - The 
 Q a 
 
i62 ESSAYS. 
 
 *^The beauties of Circaflia next made their 
 appearance. They advanced, hand in hand, 
 iinging the moft immodefl airs, and leading up a 
 dance in the moft luxurious attitudes. Their 
 drefs was but half a covering, the neck, the left 
 JDreaft, and all the limbs were expofed to view -, 
 which, after fome time, feemed rather to fatiate 
 than inflame defire. The lily and the rofe con- 
 fended in forming their complexions; and a. 
 foft fleepinefs of eye added irrefiflible poig- 
 anance to their charms ; but their beauties were 
 obtruded, not offered to their admirers ; they 
 feemed to give, rather than receive courtfhip ; 
 and the genius of love difmilfed them as un- 
 worthy his regard, fince they exchanged the 
 duties of love, and made themfelves not to be 
 purfued, but the^urfuing fex. 
 
 " The kingdom of Cafhrnire next produced 
 ^ts charming deputies. The happy region feem- 
 ed peculiarly fcquellered b^ naturefor his abode. 
 Shady mountains fenced it on one fide from the 
 i'corching fun ; and fea born breezes, on the othr 
 cr, gave peculiar luxuriance to the air. Their 
 complexions were of a bright yellow, that ap- 
 peared almoft tranfparent, while the ciimfon 
 iulip feemed to blolTom on their cheeks. Their 
 features and limbs were delicate beyond the 
 'Hatuary's power to exprefs ; and their teeth 
 whiter than their own ivory. He ivas almoft 
 perfuadedto refide among them, when unfortu- 
 laately one of the ladies tulked of appointing his 
 feraglio* 
 
ESSAYS. 163 
 
 " In this proceffion the naked inhabitants of 
 Southern America would not be left behind : 
 Their charms were found to furpafs whatever 
 the warmed imagination could conceive; and 
 ferved to ftiew, that beauty could be perfc6l, 
 even with the Teeming difadvantage of a brown 
 complexion. But their favage education ren- 
 dered them utterly unqualified to make the prop- 
 er ufe of their power ; and they were reje^ted^ 
 as being incapable of uniting mental with fen- 
 fual fatisfadion. In this manner the deputies 
 of other kingdoms had their fuits rejeOied : The 
 black beauties of Benin, and the tawny daugh- 
 ters of Borneo : The women of Wida with fear- 
 red faces, and the hideous virgins of Caffraria ! 
 the fquab ladies of Lapland, three feet highj 
 and the giant fair ones of Patagonia. 
 
 '* The beauties of Europe at laft appeared : 
 Grace in their lieps, and lenfibility fmiling in 
 every eye. It was the univerfai opinion, while 
 they were approaching, that they would pre- 
 vail ; and the genius feemed to lend them his 
 laioft favourable attention. They opened their 
 pretenfions with theutmoft modefty; but unfor- 
 tunately, as their orator proceeded, fiie hap- 
 pened to let fall the words, Houfe in town. 
 Settlement, and Pin money. Thefe feeming- 
 }y harmlefs terms had inliantiy a furprihng ef- 
 fe6t : The genius, with ungovernable rage, 
 burll from amidii: the circle; and, waving his 
 youlliful pinions, left this earth, and flew back 
 to thofe ethereal manfions from whence he de- 
 fcended, 
 
 -'' The 
 
i64 E S S* A Y S. 
 
 *' The whole affembly v/5i» ftruck with amaze- 
 ment : They now juilly apprehended that female 
 power would be no more, lince Love had for- 
 faken them. They continued fome time thus 
 in a (late of torpid delpair, when it was propof- 
 cd by one of the number, that, Cincc the real 
 genius of love had left them, in order to con- 
 tinue their power, they fhouid fet up an idol iti 
 bis flead ; and that the ladies of every country 
 (hould furnifti him vvith what each liked beft. 
 This propofal was inftantiy relifhed and agreed 
 to. An idol of gold was formed, by uniting 
 the capricious gifts of all the alTembly, though 
 no way refembJing the departed gjenius. The 
 ladies of China furnifhed the monfter with 
 wings ; thofe of Caflimire furnifhed him with 
 horns ; the dames of Europe clapped a purfe in 
 his hand; and the virgins of Congo furnifhed 
 him with a tail. Since that time, all the vows 
 sddreffed to Love are in reality paid to the idol: 
 While as in other falfe religions, the adoration 
 feems moil fervent, v^-here the heart is lead fin- 
 cere.'' 
 
 E S S A Y XXIV. 
 
 T^TO obfervaticn is more common, and'at the 
 X S* ^ime more true, than, that one 
 
 ]i '•• vorld are ignorant how the other 
 
 be The misfortunes of the eieat are 
 
 he,j X . . -ngage our attention; are enlarged 
 
 u pf. n 
 
ESSAYS. 165 
 
 upon in tones of declamation : And the world 
 is called upon to gaze at the noble iufFerers. 
 The great, under the preiFure of calamity, are 
 confcious of feveral others fympathizing with 
 their did refs ; and have, at once, the comfort 
 of admiration and pity. 
 
 There is nothing magnanimous in bearing 
 misfortunes wirh fortitude, when the whole 
 world is looking en : Men in fuch circumRan- 
 ces will acl bravely, evenfromx motives of vanity* 
 But he who, in the vale of obfcurity, can brave 
 adverlity ; who, without friends to encourage, 
 acquaintances to pity, or even without hope to 
 alleviate his misfortunes, can behave with tran- 
 quillity and indifference, is truly great : Wheth- 
 er peafant or courtier, he deferves admiration, 
 and fnould be held up for our imitation and 
 refuel. 
 
 While the flightefl inconveniences of the 
 great are magnified into calamities; while trag- 
 edy mouths out their fufFerings in all the ftrains 
 of eloquence, the miferies of the poor are en- 
 tirely difregarded : And yet fome of the lower 
 ranks of people undergo more real hardHiips in 
 one day, than thofe of a more exalted flatiou 
 fufFer in their whole lives. It is inconceivable 
 what difRculties the meaneil of our comm.on 
 failors and foldiers endure without m4Jrmuring 
 or regret, without paflionately declaiming a- 
 gainil Providence, or calling their fellows to be 
 gazers on their inrrepidity. Every day is to 
 them a day of mifery ; and yet they entertain 
 their hard fate without repining, 
 
 WitU 
 
i66 ESSAY S. 
 
 With what indignalion do I hear an Ovid, a 
 Cicero, or a Rabuting, complain of their mif- 
 fortunes and hardlliips, whofe hardefl calamity- 
 was that of being unable to vifit a certain fpot 
 of earth, to Vvhich they had fool ifhly j!»ttached , 
 an idea of happinefs ! Their diftreifcs were pleaf- i 
 ures, compared to what many of the adventur- 
 ing poor every day e:idure without murmuring. 
 They ate, drank, and flept ; they had (laves to 
 attend them, and were fure of fubhdence for 
 life; while many of their fellow creatures are 
 obliged to wander, without a friend to comfort 
 or. a(Iii1: them, and even without a flielter from 
 the feverity of the feafon. 
 
 I have been led into thefe reflexions from 
 accidenta'ily meeting, fome days ago, a poor 
 fellow, whom I knew when a boy, drelfed in a 
 faiior's jacket, and begging at one of the out- 
 lets of the town, with a wooden leg. I knew 
 him to be honefl and " induilrious when in 
 the country, and was curious to learn what had 
 reduced him to his prefcnt fituation. Where- 
 fore, after giving him what I thought proper, 
 I delired to know the hillory of his life and 
 misfortunCvS, and the manner in which he was 
 reduced to his prefent didrefs. The difabled 
 foldier (for fuch he was, though dreiTed in a 
 failor's habit) fcratching his head, and leaning^ 
 on his crutch, put himfelf irjto an ariitude to 
 comply with my requelt, and gave me his.hif- 
 tory as follow;s. 
 
 *' As for my misfortunes, mailer, I cannot pre- 
 tend to have gone through any more than oiher 
 
 folks ; 
 
ESSAYS- 167 
 
 folks : For, except the lofs of my limb, and my 
 being obliged to beg, I do not know any reafon, 
 thank Heaven, that I have to complain : There 
 is Bill Tibbs, of our regiment, he has loft both 
 his legs, and an eye to boot; but, thank Hea- 
 ven, it is not fo bad with me yet. 
 
 *' I was born in Shropihire, my father was a 
 labourer, and died when I was fiVQ years old; 
 fo I was put upon the parifti. As he had been 
 a wandering fort of a man, the pariftiioners were 
 not able to tell to v/hafc parilh I belonged, or 
 where 1 was born ; fo they fent me to another 
 parifh, and that parifii fent me to a third. I 
 thought in my heart, they kept fending me 
 about fo long, that they would not let me be 
 born in any parifh at all; but, at laft, however, 
 they fixed me. I had fome difpofition to be 
 a fcholar, and was refolved, at leaft, to know my 
 letters ; but the mafler of the workhoufe put 
 me to buhnefs as foon as I was able to han- 
 dle a mallet ; and here I lived an eafy kind 
 of a life for five years. I only wrought ten hours 
 in the d?.y, and had meat and drink provided 
 for m.y labour. It is true, I was not fuffered to 
 llir out of the hou fc, for fear, as they faid, I 
 fhould run away. But what of that ? 1 had the 
 liberty of the whole houfe, and the yard before 
 the door, and that was enough for me. 1 was 
 then bound out to a farmer, where I was up 
 both early and late ; but I ate and drank well, 
 and liked my bufinefs well enough, till he died, 
 Vv'hen I was obliged to provide for myfelf : Sol 
 was rsfolved to go and feek my fortune. 
 
 ** In 
 
i68 ESSAYS. 
 
 ** In this manner I went from town to town, 
 worked when I could get employment, and ftarv- 
 ed when 1 could get none : When happening 
 one day to go through a field belonging to a 
 juftice of peace, I fpied a hare croffing the path 
 juft before me ; and I believe the devil put it 
 into my head to fling my flick at it. Well, What 
 will you have on*t ? I killed the hare, and was 
 bringing it away in triumph, when the juflice 
 himfelf met me : He called me a poacher and a 
 villain, and, collaring me, defired I would giv« 
 an account of myfelf. I fell upon my knees, 
 begged his Worfhip's pardon, and began to 
 give a full account of all that I knew of my 
 breed, feed and generation : But, though I gave 
 a very good account, the juftice would not be- 
 lieve a fyllable I had to fay ; fo I was indicled 
 at the fefhons, found guilty of being poor, and 
 fent up to London to Newgate, in order to be 
 tranfported as a vagabond. 
 
 '^ People may fay this and that of being in 
 jail ; but, for my part, I found Newgate as a- 
 greeable a place as ever I was in, in all my life. 
 I had my bellyful to eat and drink, and did no 
 work at all. This kind of life was too good to 
 laft for ever ; fo I was taken out of prifon after 
 five months, put on board a fhip, and fent oIF, 
 with two hundred more, to the plantations. We 
 had but an indifferent paffage ; for, being all 
 confined in the hold, more than a hundred of 
 our people died for want of fweetair ; and thofe 
 that remained we/e fickly enough, God knows. 
 When we came on fhore, v/e were fold to the 
 
 planters. 
 
E S S A Y S. 169 
 
 planters, and I was bound forfeven years more. 
 As I was no fcholar, for I did not know my let- 
 ters, I was obliged to work among tht negroes ; 
 and I ferved out my time, as in duty bound to 
 do. 
 
 '' When my time was expired, I worked my 
 pjifTage home, and glad I was to fee Old Eng- 
 land again, becaufe I loved my country. I was 
 afraid, however, that I fhould be indicted for a 
 vagabond once more ; fo did not much care to 
 go down into the country, but kept about the 
 town, and did little jobs when I could get them. 
 **' I was very happy in this manner for fome 
 time, till one evening, coming home from v/ork, 
 two men knocked me down, and then defired 
 me to (land. They belonged to a prefs gang t 
 I was carried before the juftice, and, as I could 
 give no account of myfelf, I had my choice 
 left, whether to go on board a man of war, or 
 lift for a foldier. I chofe the latter ; and, ui 
 this poft of a gentleman, I ferved two campaigns 
 in Flanders, v\^as af the battles of Val and Fon- 
 tenoy. and received but one wound .through the 
 bread here ; but the do6lor of our reg-imen:: 
 loon made me well again. 
 
 " When the peace came on, I was difcharg- 
 ed ; and, as I could not work, becaufe my 
 wound was fometimes troublefome, I lifted for 
 a landman in the Eaftindia company's fervice* 
 I have fought the French in three pitched baft- 
 ties ; and I verily believe, that if I could read or 
 write, our captain would have made me a cor- 
 poral. But it was not my good fortune to have 
 P any 
 
170 ESSAY S. 
 
 any promotion, for I foon fell fick, and fo got 
 leave to return home again with forty pounds 
 in my pocket. This was at the beginning of 
 the prefent war, and I hoped to be fet on fhote, 
 and to have the pleafure of fpendingmy money ; 
 but the government wanted men, and fo I was 
 prcffed ioY a iailor before ever I conld fet foot 
 on fhore. ^ 
 
 •' The boatfwain found me, as hefaid, an ob- 
 *linatc fellow : He fwore he knew that I under- 
 flood my bufinefs well, but that I fliammed 
 Abraham, merely to be idle ; but God knows, 
 y knew nothing of fea bufmefs, and he beat 
 me without confidering what he was about. 
 I had flill, however, my forty pounds, and 
 that was fome comfort to me under every beat- 
 ing ; and the maOney I might have had to this 
 day, but that our {hip was taken by the French, 
 ...nd fo I loft all. 
 
 ^' Our crew was carried into Breft, and many 
 of them died, becaufe they were notufed to live 
 in a jail : But, for my part, it was nothing to 
 nie, for I was feafoned. One night, as I was 
 ilecpingon thcbedof boards, with a warm blank- 
 et about me, for I always loved to lie well, I was 
 awakened by the boatfwain, who had a dark 
 lantern in his hand ; *' Jack," fays he to me, 
 *' Will you knock out the, French fcntry's 
 brains ?" *' I don't care,'' fays I, ftriving to 
 keep my felf awake, "if I lend a hand." *' Then 
 follow me," fays he, '^ and I hope we fhall do 
 bufinefs." So up I got, and tied my blanket, 
 which was all the clothes I had, abowt my mid- 
 
essays: 171 
 
 die, and went with him to fight the Frenchmen. 
 I hate the French becaure they are flaves, and 
 wear wooden fhoes. 
 
 '* Though we had no arms, one Englifhman 
 is able to beat five French at any time ; To wg 
 went down to the door, wh^re both the fentries 
 were pofted, and, rufhing upon them, feized 
 their arms in a moment, and knocked them 
 down. From whence, nine of us ran together 
 to the quay, and feizing the firft boat we met, 
 got out of the harbour, and put to fea-. We had 
 not been here three days before we were taken 
 np by the Dorfet privateer, who were glad oc 
 fo many good hands, and we cosfented to run 
 cur chance. However, we had not fo much 
 luck as we expe6i;ed. In three days we fell 
 in with the Pompado6r privateer, of forty 
 guns, while we had but twenty three ; fo to it 
 we v/ent, yard arm and yard arm. The fight 
 lafled for three hours, and I verily believe we 
 (hould have fraken the Frenchman, had we but 
 had fome more men left behind ; but unfortu- 
 nately, we loft all our men juft as we wexQ go- 
 ing to get the viftory. 
 
 '' I was once more in the power of the French, 
 and I believe it would have gone hard with me, 
 had 1 been brought back to Breft : But by good 
 fortune we were retaken by the Viper. I had 
 almoft forgot to tell you, that, in that engage- 
 ment, I was wounded in two places ; 1 loil four 
 fingers of the left hand, and my leg was fhot 
 off. If I had had the good fortune to have loll 
 my leg and ufe of my hand on board a king 5 
 
 fhip^ 
 
 ^^ 
 
J72 ESSAYS. 
 
 fhip, and not a board a privateer, I fliould have 
 been entitled to clothing and maintainance dur- 
 ing the reft of my life. But that was not my 
 chance : One man is born with a filver fpoon in 
 his mouth, and another with a wooden ladle. 
 However, bleifed be God, I enjoy good health, 
 And will forever love liberty and Old England. 
 Liberty, Property, and Old England, for ever, 
 huzza I" 
 
 Thus faying, he limped off, leaving me in 
 admiration at his intrepidity and content; nor 
 could I avoid acknowledging, that an habitual 
 .^cquaintaace with mifery, ferves better than 
 philofophy to teach us to difpife it, 
 
 ESSAY XXV. 
 
 •;UrPOSED TO BE WRITTEN BY THE ORDINARY 
 
 OF NEWQATE. 
 
 X/fAN IS a moft frail being, incapable of 
 "^ dire6ling his fteps, unacquainted with 
 
 s'hat is to happen in this life; and perhaps no 
 :nan is a more manifeii: inOance of the truth of 
 :his maxinr, than Mr. The. Gibber, juft now 
 gone out of the world. Such a variety of turns 
 of fortune, yet fuch a perfevering uniformity of 
 condu6l, appears in all that happened in his 
 ihort fpan, that the whole may be looked upon 
 aij one regular confufion : Every action of his 
 life was matter of wonder and furprife, and his 
 death was an aftoniQiment. 
 
 This gentleman was born of creditable par- 
 ents, who gave him a very good education, and 
 
 a 
 
ESSAYS. 
 
 a great deal of good learning, fo that he could 
 read and write before he was lixteen. However, ,; 
 he early difcovered an inclination to follow \ 
 lewd courfes : He refufed to take the advice of ' 
 his parents, and purfued the, bent of his inclina- • 
 tion : He played at cards on fundays ; called 
 himfelf a gentleman; fell out with his mother j 
 and laundrefs ; and, even in thofe early days, 
 his father was frequently heard to obferve, that 
 young The. — Would be hanged. 
 
 iVs he advanced in years, he grew more fond 
 of plealure; would eat an ortolan for dinner, 
 though he begged the guinea that bought it ; 
 and was once known to give three pounds for a 
 plate of green peas, which he had collected 
 over nioht as charity for a friend in diftrefs : 
 He ran into debt with every body that would 
 trufl him, and none could build a fconce bet- 
 ter than he ; fo, that at la ft, his creditors fwore 
 with one accord, that The. — Would be hanged. 
 
 But, as getting into debt by a man who had 
 no vifible means but impudence foriubfiftance, 
 is a thing that every reader is not acquainted 
 with, I mull explain this point a little to his 
 fatisfadion. 
 
 There are three ways of gc^-ting into debt ; 
 iirft, hy pufhing a face; as thus. *" You, Mr. 
 Luteilring, fend me home hx yards of that pa- 
 duafoy.. dammee ; but, hcarkee, don't think I 
 ever intend to pay you for it, dammee,'! At 
 this, the mercer laughs heartily; cuts off the 
 paduafoy, and fends it home; nor is he, till 
 too late, furprifed to find the gentleman had Hiid 
 nothing but truth^ and kept his v/ord. 
 
 P 2 The 
 
174 ESSAYS. 
 
 The fecond method of running irfto debt is 
 called fineering; which is, getting goods made 
 tip in fuch a fafhion as to be unfit for every 
 other purchafer; and, if the tradefman refufes 
 to give them upon credit, then threaten to leave 
 them upon his hands. 
 
 But the third and befl method is called, 
 '* Being the good cuftomer." The gentleman 
 firll buys fome trifle, and pays for it in ready 
 money. • He comes a few^ days after with noth- 
 ing about him but bankbills, and buys, we will 
 fuppofe, a fixpenny tweezer cafe : The bills are 
 too great to be changed, fo he promifes tore- 
 turn punQually the day after, and pay for what 
 he has bought. In this promife he is pundual ; 
 •and this is repeated for eight or ten times, till 
 his face is well known, and he has got, at laR, 
 the chara61cr of a good cuftomer. By this 
 means, he gets credit for fomething confidera- 
 ble, and then never pays for it. 
 
 In all this, the young man who is the unhap- 
 py fubjedl of our prefent refle^iious, was very 
 '■ expert; and could face, fineer, and bring cuf- 
 tom to a fhop with any man in England. Ngne 
 of his companions could cxcead him in this ; 
 and his very companions atlaft faid, that The. 
 — Would be hanged. 
 
 As he grew old, he grew never the better^ 
 ile loved ortolans and green peas, as before : 
 He drank gravy foup when he could get it, and 
 always thought his oyfters tafted bell when he 
 got them for nothing; or, which was jufl the 
 fame^ when h"C bought them upon tick. Thus, 
 
 the 
 
ESSAY S. 175 
 
 the old man kept up the vices of the youth, and 
 what he wanted in power, he made up by in- 
 clination ; fo that aii the world thought old 
 The. —Would be hanged. 
 
 And now, reader, I have brought him to his 
 iafl; fcene ; a fcene where, perhaps, my duty 
 fhould have obliged me to afhft, You exped, 
 perhaps, his dying words, and the tender fare- 
 wel he took of his wife and children : You ex- 
 pe6l; an account of his coffin and white p^loves, 
 his pious ejaculation, and the papers he left 
 behind him. In this I cannot indulge your cu- 
 riofity; for, oh I the mifteries of fate/TnE. — 
 Was drowned, 
 
 ** Reader'' as Hervey faith, '*' paufe and pon- 
 der; and ponder and paufe ; who knows what 
 thy own end niay be ?" 
 
 ESSAY XXVI, 
 
 HPHERE are few fubjeds which have beesi 
 more written upon, and lefs underftood, 
 than that of friendfhip. To follow the dilates of 
 fome, this virtue, inftead of being the alTuager of 
 pain becomes the fourceof every inconvenience 
 Such fpeculatifls, by expe6ting too much from 
 friendfhip, diffolve the connection, and, by 
 drawing the bands too clofely^ at length break 
 them. Almollall our romance and novel writ- 
 ers are of this kind : They perfuade us to friend- 
 fhips, which we find it impoffible to fuftain to 
 the lad ; fo that this fweetener of life, under 
 
 proper 
 
176 ESSAY S. 
 
 proper regulations, is, by their means, rendered 
 inacceflible or uneafy. It is certain the bed 
 rnethod to cultivate this virtue, is by letting it, 
 in fome njcafure, raake itfelf: A fimilitudc of 
 minds or ftudies, and even fometimes a diver fi- 
 ty of purfuits, will produce all the plealures 
 that arife from it. The current of tendernefs 
 widens as it proceeds ; and two men impercept- 
 ibly find their hearts filled with good nature 
 for each other, when they were at firll only in 
 purfuit of mirth or relaxation. ^ 
 
 Friendfliip is like a debt of honor ; the mo- 
 ment it is talked of. it lofcs its real name, and 
 allumes the more ungrateful form of obligation. 
 From hence we find, that thofe who regularly 
 undertake to cultivate friendfhip, find ingrati- 
 tude generally repays their endeavors. That 
 circle of beings, which dependance gathers 
 round us, is almofl ever unfriendly : They fe- 
 cretly wilh the terms of their connections more 
 nearly equal : And, where they even have the 
 mofl virtue, are prepared to referve all their af- 
 fections for their patron, only in the hour of 
 his decline. Increafing the obligations which 
 are laid upon fuch mindvS,only increafes their 
 burden : They feel themfelves unable to repay 
 the immenfity of their debt, and their bankrupt 
 hearts are taught a latent refentmentat the hand 
 that is ftretched out with offers of fervice and 
 relief. 
 
 Plautinus was it man who thought that every 
 
 good was to be brought from riches ; and. as he 
 
 %as-.poirefred of great wealth, and had a mmd 
 
 naturally 
 
ESSAYS. 177 
 
 naturally formed for virtue, herefolved to gath- 
 er a circle of the beft men round him. Among 
 the number of his dependents was Mufidorus. 
 with a mind juft as fond of virtue, yet not lefs 
 proud than his patron. His circumftances, 
 ifiowever, were fuch as forced him to ftoop to the 
 good offices of his fuperior ; andhefaw himfelf 
 daily, among a number of others, loaded with 
 benefits and proteftations of friendfhip,. Thefe, 
 in the ufual couife of the world, he thought it 
 "prudent to accent : But, while he sjave his 
 efleem, he could not give his heart. A want of 
 afFe6lion breaks out in the motl trifling inftances ; 
 and Plautinus h.id fkill enough to obferve the 
 minuteil adions of the man he wiihed to make 
 his friend. In thefe he even found his aim 
 difappointed : Muiidorus claimed an exchange 
 of hearts ; which Plautinus folicited by a va- 
 riety of claims, could never think of bellowing. 
 It may be eafily fuppofed, that the referve^.of 
 ourpoqr proud man was foon conftrued into 
 ingratitude; and fuch indeed in the common 
 acceptation of the world it was. Wherever 
 Mufidorus appeared, he was remarked as the 
 ungrateful man : He bad excepted favors, it was 
 faid, and Hill had the infolence to pretend to 
 independence. The event, however, juftified 
 his condu6l. Plautinus, by mifplaced liberali- 
 ty, at length became poor ; and it was then that 
 Mufidorus firft thought of making a friend of 
 him. He flew to the man of fallen fortune, 
 with an offer of all he had ; wrought under his 
 dire6lion with alfiduity; and, by uniting their 
 
 talents^ 
 
17^ ESSAYS. 
 
 talents, both were at lenglh placed in that flate 
 of lil^ from which one of them had formerly 
 fallen. 
 
 To this ftory , taken from modern life, I fhall 
 add one more, taken from a Greek writer of an- 
 tiquity. — Two Jewifh foldiers, in the time of 
 Vefpafian, had m.ade many champaigns togethw 
 er; and a participation pf danger at length bred 
 an union of hearts. They were remarked 
 throughout the whole army, as the two friendly- 
 "brothers ; they felt and fought for each other. 
 Their friendflriip niight have continued without 
 Jnterruption till death, had not the good for- 
 tune of the one alarmed the pride of the other, 
 w.hich was in his promotion to be a Centurion 
 under the famous John, who headed a par- 
 ticular part of the |#wifh malecontents. 
 
 From this moment their former love wascon»^ 
 verted into the moft inveterate enmity. They 
 attached themfelves to oppofite factions, and 
 fought each olher*s lives in the conflict of ad- 
 verfe party. In this manner they continued for 
 more than two years, vowing mutual revenge, 
 and animated with an unconquerable fpirit of 
 averfion. At length, however, that party of the 
 Jews to which the mean foldier belonged, join- 
 ing with the Romans, it became viftorious, and 
 drove John, with all his adherents, into the 
 temple. Hiftory has given us more than one 
 picture of the dreadfial conflagration of that fu- 
 perb edifice. The Roman foldiers were gather- 
 ed rou»d it: The whole temple was in flames, and 
 thoufands were feen amidfl them, within its fa- 
 
 cred 
 
E S S A 
 
 i79 
 
 cred circuit. It was in this Gtuation of things, 
 that the now fuccefisfui foidiet" fav/ his former 
 friend upon the battlements of the highefl tow- 
 er, looking round with horror, and jult ready to 
 be confumed with flames. All his former ten- 
 dernefs now returned : He faw the man of his 
 bofom jull going to periili : and, unable to 
 withftand the impulfe, he rrai fpreading his 
 arms, and cried out to his friend to leap down 
 from the top, and find fafety with htm. The 
 'Centurion frcm above heard and obeyed ; and, 
 cafling himfelf from the top of the tower into 
 his fellow foldier's arms, both fell a facrihce oa 
 the fpot ; one being cruflied to death by this 
 ; 'eight of his corwnanicn, and the other dafted 
 to pieces by the greatnefs of his fall. 
 
 «««weBfl9S£Z8SK'>S?K1Sl££OSESSSBaa»v.>>«< 
 
 ESSAY XXVII. 
 
 T300KS, vvhile they teach us to refpe6l the 
 interefls of others, often make us vmmind- 
 ful of our own : While they inllru6l the youth- 
 ful reader (o grafp at focial happinefs, h^^ grows 
 ipiferable in detail ; and, attentive to univerfal 
 harmony, often forgets that he himfelf has a 
 part to fuftain in the concert. I dilhke there- 
 fore the philofopher who difcrihes the inconve- 
 niences of life in fuch pleaGng; colours, that the 
 pupil grcws enamoured of d.llrci's, longs to try 
 the charms of poverty, meets it without dread, 
 nor fears its inconvcnier.ces till he fcverely 
 f^cls them. A 
 
i8o ESS A Y S. 
 
 A youth who has thus fpent his life among 
 books new to the world, and unacquainted 
 with man but by philofophic information, may 
 be confidered as a being whofe mind is filled 
 with ihe vulgar errors of the wife; utterly un- 
 qualified for a journey through life, yet, confi- 
 dent of his own (kill in the dire6tion, he fets out 
 with confidence, blunders on with vanity, and 
 finds himfelf at lafl undone. 
 
 He firft has learned from books, and then 
 lays it down as a maxim, that all mankind are 
 virtuous or vicious in excefs ; and he has been 
 long taught to deteft vice, and love virtue. 
 Warm therefore in attachments, and fledfaft in 
 enmity, he treats every creature as friend or foe ; ^ 
 expetts, from thofe he loves, unerring integri- 
 ty, and configns his enemies to the reproach of 
 wanting every virtue. On this principle he 
 proceeds ; and here begin his difappoinrments. 
 Upon a clofer infpe8,ion of human nature, he 
 perceives that he fhould have moderated his 
 friendfhip, and foftened his feverity ; for he 
 often finds the excellencies of one part of man- 
 kind clouded with vice, and the faults of the 
 other brightened with virtue : He finds no char- 
 acter fo fHn6i:ified that has not its faiHngs ; 
 none fo infamous, but has fomewhat to attra6t 
 our efteem : He beholds impiety in lawn, a»d 
 fidelity in fetters. 
 
 He now, therefore, but too late, perceives 
 that his regards fhould have been more cool, 
 and his hatred lefs violent; that the truely wife 
 feldom court romantic friendfnip with the good, 
 
 and 
 
ESSAYS. i8i 
 
 iind avoid, if poflible, the refentment even of 
 the wicked : Every moment gives him frefli 
 inftances that the bonds of friendfhip are brok* 
 en if drawn too clofely, and that thofe whom 
 he has treated with difrefpe^l, more than retal- 
 iate theinjury : At length therefore he is oblig- 
 ed to confefs, that he has declared war upon 
 the vicious half of mankind, without being able 
 to form an alliance among the virtuous to ef- 
 poufehis quarrel. 
 
 Our book taught philofopher, however, is 
 now too far advanced to recede; and, though 
 poverty be thejuft confequence of the many- 
 enemies his condu6l has created, yet he is refolv- 
 ed to meet it without Ihrinking. Philofo- 
 phers have defcribed poverty in mod charming 
 colours ; and even his vanity is touched, ia 
 thinking he ftiall {how the world, in himfelf, 
 one more example of patience, fortitude and 
 refignation. " Come, then, O Poverty ! f©r 
 " what is there in thee dreadful to the w4fe ! 
 *' Temperance, health and frugality, walk in 
 '* thy train ; cheerfulnefs and liberty are ever 
 *' thy companions. Shall any be afhamed of 
 *' thee, of whom Ciiicinnatus vv^as not alhamed? 
 ^' The running brook, the herbs of the field, 
 ** can amply fatisfy Nature: Man wants butlit- 
 " tie, nor that little long. Come then, O Pov- 
 "€rty! while kings (land by and gaze with 
 ** admiration at the true philofopher's refigna* 
 /^tion/' * 
 
 The goddefs appears ; for Poverty ever 
 comes at thy call. But, alas! he finds her by^ 
 
 . 2 M 
 
x8* ESSAY S. 
 
 no means the charming figure books and his 
 own imagination had painted. As when an 
 eaftern bride v/hom her friends and relations 
 had long defcribed as a model of perfe6lion, 
 pays her firll vifit, the longing bridegroom 
 lifts the veil to fee a face he had never feen be- 
 fore, but inflead of a countenance blazing with 
 beauty like the fun, he beholds deformity fhoot- 
 ing icicles to his, heart : Such appears Poverty 
 to her new entertainer ; all the fabrick of en- 
 thufiafm is at once demoliflied, and a thoufand 
 miferies rife upon its ruins; while Contempt, 
 with pointing finger, is foremofl in the hide- 
 ous procefiion. 
 
 The poor man now finds that he can get no 
 kings to look at him while he is eating : He finds, 
 that in proportion as he grows poor, the world 
 turns its back upon him, and gives him Jeave 
 to a6l the philofopher in all the majelly or foli- 
 tude. It might be agreeable enough to play 
 the philofopher, while we are confcious that 
 mankind are fpe6lators. But what fignifies 
 wearing the mafk of fturdy contentment, and 
 mounting the ft age of reflraint, when not one 
 creature will alTift at the exhibition ? Thus is 
 he forfaken of men, while his fortitude want* 
 the fatisfa6iion even of felfapplaufe : For, either 
 he does not feel his prefent calamities, and that 
 is natural infenfibility ; or he difguifcs his feel- 
 ings, and that is diflimulation. 
 
 Spleen no^ begins to take up the man : Not 
 diftinguiihing in his refentment, he regards all 
 s:!ankind vrith d^rcftation ; and; commencing 
 
 nianhater 
 
ESSAYS. 
 
 183 
 
 manhater, feeks foiitude, to be at liberty to 
 rail. 
 
 It has been faid, that he who retires to foii- 
 tude, is either a bead or an angel. The cen- 
 fure is too fevere and the praife unmerited. 
 The difcontented being who retires from fo- 
 ciety. is generally fome good naturedman, who 
 has begun life without experience, and knew 
 not how to eain it in his intevcourfc with man- 
 kind. 
 
 END OF THE P.SSAYS* 
 
5*^^-^<^^><a-S<-^«-c 
 
 ETICAL PIECES, 
 
 CONSISTING OF 
 
 TriE TRAVETXER, 
 
 TMF. DtSKRTt.D VILLAGE, 
 
 LDWiN AND ANGLLINA. 
 
 RETALIATION, 
 
 AN i) 
 OTHER POEMS. 
 
 ♦»-^=^>® ^^^^^^-^^j^ ^e" « w «! *■ w » 
 
 
THE 
 
 TRAVELLER: 
 
 O E, A 
 
 PROSPECT OF SOCIETY. 
 
189 
 
 T O T H E 
 
 Rev. henry GOLDSMITH. 
 
 3SEAR Sir, 
 
 1 AMJenJlhle that tie friend/Ij'p beiiueen us can acquire 
 f:o neio force from the ceremonies of a Dedication ; andy per^ 
 haps, it demands an excufe, thus to prefix your name to my atifmptSy 
 ■ lohich you decline gi'ving ijoitb your oijon. But as a part of this po- 
 em 'U.as formerlj fwtitten iojoufrom Sivitzerland, the nvhole can 
 'tjoiv 'Lvith propriety J be onlj infcribed to you. It 'will alfo thro-bu a 
 iightupon many parts of it, iJben the reader under jiandsy that it is 
 addrejfed to a man, luho^ defpi/ing fame and fortune, has retired 
 early to happinefs and obfcurity^ tvifh an income cf forty pounds a 
 year, 
 
 I KOIV perceii'e, my dear brother^ the ijofdcm cf your httmble 
 choice. You ha<ve entered upon a f acred ojice, ivhere the barvejl is 
 great, and the laborers are but fe-ix) ; 'vohile you haue left t be field of 
 ambition, <kihere the laborers are many, and the kar*vefi not njoorth 
 carrying aix'ay. But of all kinds cf ambition, as things are wctt' cir~ 
 cunifianced, perhaps that ichich purfues poetical fame is the loildefi. 
 What from the increafed refinement cf the times, from the di'verfity of 
 judgments produced i>y cppafing fyfiems ofcriticifm, and from the more 
 fre'valentdi'verfions of opinion influenced by party, the firongefi and 
 happieft efforts can cxl^efi to pleafe but in n njery narrozv circle. 
 
 Poetry makes a princif al amufement among unpolij%ed nations \ but 
 hi a country ^verging to the extremes of refinement, Paintiag and Mu- 
 fick come in for afbare. And as they offer the feeble mind a Icfs la. 
 iorious entertainment, they c.t firjl ri'\>al poetry, and at length fuppl ant 
 her ; they engrofs allfaz>or to themfel-ves, and though but younger fif. 
 ters,feize upon the elder' s birthright. 
 
 Yet, ho'wenjer this art may be negleiied by the foixserful, it is fill 
 VI greater danger frotn the tnifiaken efforts of the learned to impro've 
 it. What criticifms han.>e njoe not heard cf late in fi^jor cf blank 
 njerfe and Pindarick odes, chorujes, anapefls and iambics, allitera-. 
 iiye care and happy negligence I Et>ery abfurdity has nonjo a cham- 
 pion to defend it ; and as he is generally much in the 'V:rong,fo hs 
 has al-ivajf much to fay j for error is ever ialkati^e^ 
 
 But 
 
^9'^ DEDICATION. 
 
 But there is an enemy to this art flill more dangerous^ 1 mean tar- 
 ty. Party entirely diJlQvts the judgment, and dejirojs the tajie, J 
 mind capable of relijling general beauty, n.vhen once mfeded njjiih 
 this difeafe, con only find pleafure in ivhat contributes to increafe the 
 dijiemper. Like the t^ger that feldom defifts from purfuing man af- 
 ter having once pre^/ed upon human fleflj,' the reader, nvho has once 
 gratified his appetite ivirh calumny, makes, e'ver after, the mojl agree^ 
 able feaft upon murdered reputation. Such readers generally admire 
 fame half icii ted thing, ivlw 'wants to be thou-^ht a bold man, ha^jing 
 loll the character of a ^jjife one. Him they dignfy njoith the name of 
 poet', bis lampoons are called fatires ; bis turbulence is f aid to b: 
 Jorce, andhis phrcnxy fire. 
 
 What reception a '^poem may find, 'which has neither ahufe, party, 
 mr blank i^erfe iojuppori it, Icannjt tell, nor am I ?nuch folicitous to 
 hno'w. My aims are right. Without efpoufing the canfe of any par- 
 ty, I banje attempted to moderate the rage of all. I have endea^jor- 
 fd /I (JjO-m, thiU thn-e may be equal happinefi^n other fates, though 
 diferently ^o^jerhcd from our onxm ; that each fate has a particular 
 principle of bappinefs ; and that this principle, in each ft ate, cmd in 
 cur o-wn in particular, may be carried to a mfchie'vous e.xcefs. There 
 crefe-w can judge better than yowfelf bo^far thefe pofums arA 
 Uluftrated in ibis poem. 
 
 I attif Sir, 
 
 Your moft affeciionate brother^ 
 
 OLIVER GOLDSMITH, 
 
»9I 
 
 THE 
 
 TRAVELLER: 
 
 O R, A 
 
 PROSPECT OF SOCIETY. 
 
 VRMOTE, unfriended, melancholy, flow, 
 Or by the lazy Scheld, or wandering Po j 
 Or onward, where tke rude Carinthian boor 
 Again fl the houfelefs ftranger fliuts the door ; 
 Or where Campania's plain forfaken lies, 
 A weary wafte expanded to the fl<:ies : 
 'Where'er I roam, whatever realms to fee, 
 My heart untravellM fondly turns to thee j 
 Stiil to my brother turns, with ceafelefs pain. 
 And drags at each remove a lengthening chain. 
 
 Eternal bleflings crown my earlieli friend. 
 And round his dwelling guardian Stints attend j 
 Bleft be that fpot, where cheerful guefls retire 
 To paufe from toil, and trim their evening fire j 
 Bleft that abode, where want and pain repair, 
 Arid every ftranger finds a ready chair j 
 Bklt be rhofe feafis where mirth and peace abound, 
 Whei:€all the ruddy family around 
 
 Laugli 
 
l^Z 
 
 THE TRAVELLER. 
 
 Laugh at the jcfts or pranks that never fail. 
 Or figh with pity at fome mournful tale, 
 Or prefs the bafhful flranger to his food. 
 And learn the luxury of doing good. 
 
 But me, not deftin'd fiich delights to fliare. 
 My prime of life in wand'ring fpent and care ! 
 Impeli'd, with fteps unceafmg, to purfue 
 Some fleeting good that mocks me with the view ; 
 Tha% like the circle bounding earth and (kies. 
 Allures from far, yet as I follow, flies : 
 My fortune leads to traverfe realms alone, 
 And find no fpot of all the world my own, • 
 Ev'n now, where Alpine folitudes afcend, 
 I fit me down a penfive hour to fpend ; 
 And, p'ac'd on high above the ftorm's career, 
 Look downward where a hundred realms appear j 
 Lakes, forefts, cities, plains extended wide. 
 Tie pomp of kings, the fhepherd's humbler pride. 
 
 When thus creation's charms around combine, 
 Amidft the ftore. Should thanklefs pride repine ? 
 Say, Should the philofophick mind difdain 
 That good, which make each humbler bofom vain } 
 Let fchool taught pride diflemble all it can, 
 7 hefe little things are great to little man I 
 And wifer he, whofe fympathetick mind 
 Exults in all the good of all mankind. 
 Ye glittering towns, wi:k wealtli and fplendor crown'd, 
 Yefield', where fumrrer fpreads profufion round, 
 Ye 111 es, whofe v^HTels catch tie bufy gale, 
 Ye bend':rg fji-ains, that drefs the flow'ry vale. 
 For me your tributary flores combine ; 
 Creation's tenant, :iH the world in mine. 
 
 As fome lone mifcr vifitinghis flcre. 
 Bends at his tresfure, count?, recounts it o'er j 
 Hoards aficr hoards his rifing raptures fill. 
 Yet ftill !-.e Hghs, for hoards are wanting ftiU t 
 
 Thus 
 
T H E T R A V E L L E R. 1^3 
 
 i !UiS to 1117 breaft alternate paflions rife, 
 PJeas'd with each good that Heaven to man fupplies j 
 Vet oti 3 {]gh prevails, andforrows fall, 
 To fee tlje fum of human bhfs fo fmall ; 
 And oft I wifli, amidft the fee ne, to find 
 Some fpot toreal happinefs confign'd, 
 Where my worn foul, each wand' ring hope at reft. 
 May gather blifs to fee my fellows bieft. 
 
 Yer, where to find that h;ippieit fpot below. 
 Who can dire6l, when all pretend !o know ? 
 The fliudd'ring tenant of the frigid zone 
 Boldly proclaims that happieft fpot his own j 
 Extols the treafures of his ftormy feas, 
 And iiis long night of revelry and eafe. 
 The naked negro, panting at the line, 
 Boaffs of his golden fands and palmy wine, 
 Bafks in the glare, or fteins the tepid wave. 
 And thanks his gods for all the good they gave. 
 Nor lefs thepatriot's buaft where'er we roam, 
 His fir/I, bell country, ever is, at home. 
 
 And yet perhaps, if countries we compare. 
 And eftimate the blefiiivgs which they fhare ; 
 Though patriots flatter, (till aiall wifdom fiad 
 An equal portion dealt to all mankind. 
 As different good, by Art or Nature given 
 To different nations, makes their bkffings even. 
 
 Nature, a mother kind alike to all, 
 Still grants her blifs at Labour's carnea call j 
 With food as well the peafant is fupply'd 
 On Idra's chffas Arno's fhelvy fide ; 
 And though the rocky crettcd furamits frovvn, 
 Thcfe rocks, by cuftom, turn to beds of down. 
 
 From an inore various are the blelfings fent : 
 Wealth, fplendor, honour, liberty, content : 
 Yet ihcfe each other's power Co firong conte(T, 
 That either feems deftcueiive of the reftj 
 
 R Hence 
 
194- 
 
 THE TRAVELLER. 
 
 Hence every ftaie, to one IcvM blefllng prone, 
 Conforms and models life to that alone j 
 Each to the favorite happip»efs attends. 
 And fpurns the plan that aims at other ends ; 
 'Till, carried to excefs in each domain, 
 This favorite good begets peculiar pain. 
 
 But let us view thefe truths with clofcr eyes, 
 And trace them through the profpea as it lies : 
 Here for a while, my proper cares refign'd, 
 Here let me fit in forrow for mankind ; 
 Like yon negkaed (hrub at random caft, 
 That flvides the deep; and fighs at every blafl. 
 
 Far to the right, where Apennine afcends, 
 Bright as the fummcr, Italy extends : 
 Her uplands floping deck the mountain's fide, 
 Woods over woods in gay theatric pride ; 
 Wiiile oft fome temple's mouldering top between, 
 With venerable grandeur marks the fcene. 
 Coi:]d Nature's bounty faiisfy the breaft. 
 The Tons of Italy were furely bleft. 
 Whatever iruits in d fFeren^ climes are found. 
 That proudly rife, or humbU court the ground j 
 Whatever blooms in torrid rraiits appear, 
 Whofe brli;ht fucccfiion decks the varied year ; 
 W^hateveriweeis fuluie the northern (ky 
 With vernlil lives. th:it bloirombut to die j 
 Thefe here difportir.g own the kmdied foil, 
 Kur afk luxuriance from the planter's toil ; 
 While lea born ^ales iheirgehd wings expand 
 To winnow fragrance round the Imiling land. 
 
 But Imall the blilsthiit fenfe alone befcows, 
 Ai:d feniual bhfs is 11 this nation knows. 
 In fl rid beauty groves and fields appear. 
 Men feem the cnly growth that dwindles here. 
 ContraUed faults t'hiough all their manners reign ; 
 Though poor, luxurious j though fubmiinve, yain : 
 
 Though! 
 
T H B T R A V E L L E R. 195 
 
 Though grave, yet trifling; zealous, yet untrue; 
 
 And e'en in penance planning fins anew. 
 
 All evils here contaminate the mind. 
 
 That opulence departed leaves behind; 
 
 For wealth was theirs, nor far remoy'd the date, 
 
 When Commerce proudly flourifh'd through the ftate; 
 
 At her command the palace learnt to rife, 
 
 Again the long fall'n column fought the fkies. 
 
 The canvas glow'd beyond e'en nature warm, 
 
 The pregnant q.narry teem'd with human form. 
 
 But more unfteady than the fouihern gale, 
 
 Soon Commerce turn'd on oshr'r (hares her fail j 
 
 While nouglit remain'd of all that riches gave. 
 
 But towns unmann'd, and lords without a fl-ive. 
 
 Yet ftill the lofs of wealth is here fupply'd 
 By arts, the fplendid wrecks of former pride ; 
 From thefe the feeble heart and long faH'n mind 
 An eafy compenfation feem to find. 
 Here may be feen, in blo^dlefs fomp array 'd, 
 Tlie pafteboard triumph and tlie cavalcade ; 
 Pfocedions form'd for piety and love, 
 A miftrefs or a faint in every grove. 
 By fports like thefe are all their cares beguii'd 
 The fports of children fatisfy the child : 
 aAt fports like thefe, while foreign arms advance, 
 In paffive eafe they leave the world to chance. 
 
 When noble aims have fufFered long control. 
 They fink at laft, or feebly man the foul; 
 While low delights, fucceeding faft behind, 
 In happier meannefs occupy the mind : 
 As in thofe domes, where Csefars once bore fway, 
 Defac'd by time and tottering in decay, 
 Amidit the ruin, heediefs of the dead. 
 The flielter feeking peafant builds his fhed, 
 And v/ond'ring man could want tlie larger pile, 
 Exults, and owns his cottage with a fmile. 
 
 My 
 
19^ T H E T R A V E L L E R. 
 
 My foul, turn from tfaem ; turn wt to (iirvcy 
 Where rougher climes a nobler race difpiay, 
 Where the bleak Swifs their (lormy nunfions tread, 
 And force a churlifh foil lor fcanty bread. 
 No prodiia here the barren hills afford, 
 But man and Hee!, the foldicr and his nvord ; 
 No vernal blooms their torpid rocks array, 
 But winter lingering chills the lap of May ; 
 No zephyr fondly loothes the mountain's breatf, 
 But meteor? glare, and flormy glooms invefl. 
 Yci ftill, ev*n liere, Content can fpread a charm, 
 Redrtfi the clime, and all its rage difarm. 
 1 hoi!fi;h poor the pcafant's hut, his feafis though fmall, 
 He fees his little lot the lot of all ; 
 Sees no contiguous palace rear its head » 
 To ftutne the meannefs of his humble ihed ; 
 No coUly lord ihe fumptuous banquet deaf, 
 To nuke bini lothe his vegetable meal ; 
 But calm, and bred in ignorance and toil, 
 iLachwifh contra6ling, fits him to the (oil. 
 Clieerful at morn he wakes from (hort repofe, 
 Breathes the keen air, and carrols as he goes ; 
 \Vith patient angle trouls the finny deep. 
 Or diives his vent'rous plcughfliare to the fieep ; 
 Or fceks t!;e den where fnow tracks mark the way, 
 And drags the ftruggling lavage into day. 
 At night returning, every labour fped, 
 He fits i/im.down the monarch \>i a fhed j 
 Smiles by his cheerful fiiC, and round furveys 
 His children's looks, that brighten at the blaze j 
 "While his luv'd partner, boaiiful of her hoard, 
 Dif[>lays th.e clennsy platter on the board ; 
 And haply too fonve pilizrim, tliither led, 
 %Vi(h many a tale repays the nightly bed. 
 
 Thus every good his native wilds impart, 
 mprinis the patriot paffion on his heart j 
 
 And 
 
theTRAVELLER. 197 
 
 And ev*n tho(e hills that round his manfion rife, 
 Enhance die bhfs his fcanty fund fupplies. 
 Dear is that (hed to which his foul conforms, 
 And dear tint hill which lifts him to the Uorms ; 
 And as a babe, when fearing founds mole(^, 
 Clings clofvi and clufer to the mother's breaft, 
 So the loud torrent, and the whirlwind's roar. 
 But bind him to his native mountains more. 
 Thefe are the charms to barren dates affign'd j 
 Their wants are few, their wifhes all cotjfin'd. 
 Yet let them only fhare the praifes due, 
 If few their wants, their pleafures are but few ; 
 Since every want that fHmulates the breaft. 
 Becomes a fource of pleafure when redreft. 
 Hence from, fuch lands each pleafing fcience flics, 
 That firfl excites defire, and then fupplies; 
 Unknown to them, when fenfual pleafures cloy, 
 To fill the languid paufe with finer joy ; 
 Unknown thofe powers that raife the foul to fljnic. 
 Catch every nerve, and vibrate through the frame. 
 Their level life is but a mould'ring fire, 
 Norquench'd by want, nor fan nM by flrong defire-; 
 Unfit for raptures, or if raptures cheer 
 On (omehigh feftival of once a year. 
 In wild excefs the vulgar breaft takes fire, 
 'Tiil, buried in debauch, the blils expire. 
 
 But not their joys alone thus coarfely flow; 
 Their morals, like their pleafures, are but low : 
 For, as refinement (lops, from fire to fon, 
 Unalter'd, unimprov'd their manners run j 
 And love's and friendfiiip's finely pointed dart 
 Falls blunted trom each indurated heart : 
 Some fterner virtues o'er the mountain's breaft 
 May fit, like falcons, cow 'ring on the neft j 
 But all the gentler morals, fuch as play 
 Through life's more cultur'd walks, and charm our way, 
 R 3 • Thefe 
 
THE TRAVELLER, 
 
 Thefe far difpers'd, on timorous pinions fly 
 To fporr and flutter in a kinder Iky. 
 
 To kinder Ikies, where gentler manners reign, 
 We turn ; and France di{plays her bright domain. 
 Gay I'prightly land of mirth and iocial eafe, 
 Pleas'd with thyfelf, whom all the world can pleafc. 
 How often have I led thy fportive choir, 
 With tunelefs pipe befide the murmuring Loire 1 
 Where (hading elm^ along the margin grew, 
 And fren:>en'd from the wave the zephyr flew : 
 And haply, though my harfh touch falte'ing dill, 
 But mock'ft all tune, and marr'd the dancer's fkill ; 
 Yet wuuid the village piaife my wond'rous power, 
 i-\nd dance, forgetful of ihe noon tide iiour. 
 Alike all ages. Dames of ancient days 
 Have led their children through the mirthful mazej 
 And the gay grandfire, fkiU'd in gcftic lore. 
 Has frifli'd beneath the burden of thrcefcore. 
 
 So bright a life thefe thoughtlefs realms difplay j 
 Thus idly bufy rolls iheir world away : 
 Their£ arc ihofe arts t!ut mind to mind endear, 
 For honour for nws the focia! tetriper here, ^ 
 Honour, that praife which real merit gains, 
 Or ev'n imaginary worth obtains, 
 Here pafTes current ; paid from hand to hand, 
 It (hitts in fplendid traffic round the land: 
 From courts to camps, to cottages it ftrays, 
 And all are taught an avarice of praife j 
 They plcafe, are pleas'd ; they give, to ^^et efleem 
 *Ti!I, Teaming bled, they grow to wliat they fcem. 
 
 But while this fofterart their blifs fupplies. 
 It gives their follies alfo room to rife j 
 For praife too dearly lov'd or warmly foughtp 
 Enfeebles all internal (Irength of thought : 
 And the weak foul, within itfelf unbleft. 
 Leans (cr all pleafure on another's breaft. 
 Hence O.^.enUUjn fjere^ '.vi'.h t«iudry art, 
 
 Pants 
 
THE TRAVELLER. 
 
 X99 
 
 Pants for the vulgar praife which fools impart ; 
 Here vanity afflimesticr pert grimace, 
 And trims her robes of frieze with copper Jace ; 
 Here beggar Pride defrauds her daily cheer, 
 To boaft one Iplendid banquet once a year : 
 The mind ftill turns where fhifting fafhion draws. 
 Nor weighs the folid worth of felfapplaufe. 
 
 To men of other minds my fancy flses, 
 Embofom'd in the deep where Holland lies ; 
 Methinks her patient fons before me ftand. 
 Where the broad ocean leans againfl the land. 
 And, fedulous to (lop the coming tide, 
 Lift the tall rampire's artificial pride : 
 Onward methinks, dlnd diligently flovv, 
 The firm conneded bulwark feems to go ; 
 Spreads its long arms amidft the vvr.try roar, 
 Scoops out an empire, and ufurps the fhore : 
 While the pent Ocean, rifing o'er the pile, 
 Sees an amphibious world beneath liim fmile j 
 The flow canal, the yellow blcfTjm'd vale, 
 The willow tufted bank, the gliding fail. 
 The crowded mart, the cultivated plain, 
 A new creation refcu'd trom his reign. 
 
 Thus, while around the wave fubjeded foilj 
 Impels the native to repeated toil, 
 IndiiHrious habits in each bofom reign, 
 And Induf^ry begets a love of gain. 
 Hence all the good from opulence that fpring.«!, 
 With all thofe ills fuperfluuus treafure biiijgs. 
 Are here difplay'd. Their much lov'd wealth irnpaj:(:§ 
 Convenience, plciity, elegance and arts j 
 But, view them clofer, craft and fraud appear, 
 Ev'n Liberty itfelf is barter 'd here : 
 At gold's fuperiour cliarms all fieedom flie-;. 
 The needy fell it, and the rich man buys j 
 A land of tyrants, aiid a den of flaves, 
 Jkre v.'retches feek difh^nourable graves. 
 
aoo THE TRAVELLER. 
 
 And calmly benf, to fervitiiie conform, 
 
 Dull as their bkes that fleep beneath the ftorm. 
 Heavens I how unlike their Belgic fires of old ? 
 
 Rough, poor, crntent, ungovernably bold ? 
 
 War in each breafi, and freedom on each brow ; 
 
 How much unlike the fons of Britain now 1 
 Fir'd at tke found, my genius fpreads her wing. 
 
 And flies where Britain courts the weflern fpring ; 
 
 Where lawns extend that (corn Arcadian pride, 
 
 And brighter ftteams than fam'd Hydafpes glide, 
 
 There all around the gentleft breezes flray, 
 
 Theie genile mufic melts on every fpray ; 
 
 Creation's mildefl charms are th.ere combin'd. 
 
 Extremes are only in tlie maker's mind : 
 
 Stern o'er each bofom Reafon holds her !hte, 
 
 With daring aims irregularly great : 
 
 Pride in their port, defiance in their eye, 
 
 I fee the lords of humin kind pafs by. 
 
 Intent on kigh defigns, a thoughtful band. 
 
 By forms unfafliion'd, frefh from Nature's hand ^ 
 
 Fieicc in their native hardinefsof foul 
 
 True to imagin'd right, above control ; 
 
 While ev'n the pcafant boafts thefe rights to fcan, 
 
 And learns to venerate himfelf as man. 
 
 Thine, Freedom, thine thebleflings pidlur'd here, 
 
 Tiiinc arethofe charms that dazzle and endear j 
 
 Too bleft, indeed, were fuch without alloy, 
 But, foHer'd ev'n by Fieedom, ills annoy j 
 That independence Britons prize too high. 
 
 Keeps man from man, and breaks the focial tie ; 
 The (elfdependent lordlings ftand alone. 
 All kindred claims that foften life unknown : 
 Here by the bonds of nature feebly held. 
 Minds combat minds, repelling and repcll'd ;. 
 ^Ferments arife, imprifon'd fa^ions roar, 
 Repreft ambition fii uggles round her fbore ; 
 Whilfl, over wrought, the general fyftem feels 
 Its motion flop, or phrenzy fires the wheels. No: 
 
THiTRAVELLER. »of 
 
 Nor this the worft. As iocial bonds decay, 
 As duty, lo\s^ and honour, fail to (way, 
 Fictitious bjnds the bonds of weahh and lav^-. 
 Still gather ftrenglh, and force unwilling awe. 
 Hence all obedience bows to rhefe alcr.e, 
 And talents fink and nriCrit weeps unknown ; 
 'Till time may come, when (tript of all hercharnrSj 
 That land of fciiolars, and that nurfe of arm?, 
 Where noble ftemstranfmit the patriot claim, 
 And monarchs toil, and poets pant for fame, 
 One fink of level avarice fiiull lie, 
 And icholais, foldiers, kings, unhonour'd die. 
 
 Yet think not thus, when Freedom's ills 1 ftatej 
 
 3 jnean to flatter kings, or court ihe great ; 
 
 Ye powers of truth that bid my Ibul afpire, 
 
 Far from my bofom drive the low defire ! 
 
 And thou, fair Freedom taught alike to feel 
 
 The^.rabble's rage, and tyrant's angry fteel ; 
 
 Thou iranfifory flower, alike undone 
 
 By cold contempt, or favour's fcftering fun, 
 
 Still may thy blooms the changeful clime endure, 
 
 I only would repre/s them to fecure : 
 
 For juft experience tells in every foil, 
 
 That thofe who think miift govern thofe thit toil ; 
 
 And all that freedom's liigheff aims can reach. 
 
 Is but to lay proportion'd loads on each j 
 
 Much on the low ; the refl, as rank fupplies, 
 
 Should in Columnar diminution rife : 
 
 While, fhould one order difproportion'd grow, 
 
 Its double weight muft ruin all below. 
 
 O then how blind to all that truth requires, 
 
 Who think it freedom when a part afpires j 
 
 Calm is my foul, nor apt to rife in armSj 
 
 Except when fall approaching danger warms : 
 
 But when contending chiefs blockade the llirone, 
 
 ^-(jntrafting regal power to ftretch their own : 
 
 Wh;:i 1 beliold a fa^ious band agree 
 
 To 
 
302 T H E T R A V R L L E R. 
 
 To call it freedom when them(elves are free ; 
 Each wanton judge new penal ftatutes dr4,w, 
 Laws grind the poor, and rich men rule tlie law ; 
 The wealth of climes, where favage nations roam, 
 PillagM from flaves to purchafe flaves at home, 
 Fear, pity, jufiice, indignation fiarf. 
 Tear off referve, and bare my fivelling heart ; 
 'rill half a patriot, half a coward grown, 
 I fly from petty tyrant& to the tinone. 
 
 Yes, brother, curfe with me that baleful hour, 
 When fird ambition flruck at regal power ; 
 And thus polluting honour in its fource, 
 Gave wealth to (way the mind witii double force. 
 Have we not {eeHf round Britain's peopled fliorc, 
 Ker nfeful fons exchang'd for ufelefs ore; 
 Seen all iier triumphs but deftruition hafie, 
 Like flaring tapers b.-ight'ning as they walle ? 
 Sern Opulence, her. grandeur to maintain, 
 Lead Hern Depopulation in her train, 
 An(^, over fields wliere fcatterM hamlets rofe, 
 In barren folitary pomp repofe ? 
 Kave we not fcen, at pleafure's lordly call, 
 The fmlling long frequented village fall j 
 Beheld the duteous fon, the fire decay'd, 
 The modeft matron, and the blufhing maid, 
 Forc'd from their homes, a melancholy train, 
 To traverfe climes beyond the weftern main j 
 Where wild Ofwe^^o fpreads her fwamps around. 
 And Niagara ftuns v.iMi thund'ring found ? 
 
 Ev'n now, perhaps, as there fome pilgrim flrays 
 Thrrngh tangled forcrt, and through dangerous ways ; 
 Where beallswith man divided empire claim, 
 And she bi )wn Indian takes a deadly aim ; 
 There, while above the giddy tempefl flies. 
 And all around dillrefsful yells arife, 
 The penfive exile, bending with his wo, 
 To flop too feartul, and loo faint to go, 
 
 Cafls 
 
THE TRAVELLER. 
 
 Carts a fond look where England's glories fhine^ 
 And bids his bofora fympalhize with mine. 
 Vain, very vain my weary fearch to find 
 That blifs which only centers in the mind : 
 Why h'-ve I ftray'd from pleafiire and repofe, 
 To feek a good each government bertows ? 
 Ir> every government, though terrors reign, 
 Though tyrant kings or tyrant laws reftrain, 
 How fmall, of all that human hearts endure, 
 That part which laws or kings can caufe or cure 1 
 Still to ourfelves in every place confign'd, 
 Our own felicity we make or find ; 
 With fecret courfe, which no loud (torms annoy, 
 Glides the fmooth cijrrent of domedic joy. 
 The lifted ax, the agonizing wheel, 
 Luke's iron crown, and Damien's bed offleel, 
 To men remote from power but rarely known. 
 Leave reafon, faith and confcience all our own» 
 
 2S>3 
 
 TKS 
 
>«* 
 
 THE 
 
 ESERTED VILLAGER 
 
 •i«»*»»<$^>S>^«^^>^*«<Hft«-^*^ 
 
i 
 
T O 
 
 Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, 
 
 »EAR SIR, 
 
 \ 
 I C A N harue no expeffatlons^ In an addrefs of this Mnd, j 
 either to add to your reputation, or to 'ejlalf/l/b my oivn, Tou ^ 
 can gain nothing from my admiraiio?i, as I am Ignorant of thaf 
 art in ivbicb you are faid to excel ; and I may lofe mu(h by the 
 feverity of your judgment , as feio ha-ve a jnjier taftc in poetry than \ 
 you. Setting intereji therefore afide, to nxhich I nei'cr paid much '■ 
 ottentiony I mujl be indulged at prefent in foUo-iuijtg my affctlioni. 
 The only dedication I ever made ivas to my brother , becaufe I lot>ed 
 bim better than mojl other men. He is fince dead. Permit me to 
 Vifcribe this poem to you. 
 
 Ho-iv far you may be pleafed -with the njerftf cation and mere 
 mechanical parts of this attempt^ I do not prete/jd to inquire ; but 
 I know you nuill obJec7 (and indeed feueral of our befi and 'vc'ife^ 
 friends concur in the opinion), that the depopulation it deplores, is no 
 •where to he feen, and the difrders it laments are only to he found 
 in the poet's oion imagination. To this I can fcarce make any 
 •ther anfnvery than that I fincerely believe ivhat I have ivritten ; 
 that I have taken all pojible pains, in my country cxcurfons f> 
 thcfe four or five years puft to be certain cf vjhat I allege, an 
 that all my vieivs and inquiries, have led me to believe thvfe mif- 
 eries real, vjhicb I here attempt to difplay. But this is notjhe place 
 to enter into an inquiry vjhether the country he depopulating or 
 not : The difcuJjUon luould take up much room ; and I fboidd 
 prove niyfelf at btjl, an indifferent politician, ic tire the reade^' 
 nuitb a long preface, ivhen I ivant bis unfaiigued attention to a 
 long poem. 
 
 In regret iug the depopulation of the country, I inveigh againf lb a 
 increafe of our luxuries \ and here alfo I cxpe^ the fhout of modern 
 
 pdit'uians ^ 
 
508 
 
 D E 
 
 I C A T I O N. 
 
 follt'icians againjl mc. For tzventy or thirty jears paji, h has heen 
 the fa (h'lon t9 covfidcr luxury as one of the greateft national ad'vau' 
 tages 'j and all the ivifdom of antiquity in that particular as 
 erroneous. Stilly hoive'ver, J tnuji remain a profejjed ancient on 
 that head, and continue to think tbofe luxuries prejudicial to 
 fates, by ivhich fo fna7iy. I'ices areintroducedy and fo many kingdoms 
 ha've heen undone. Indeed ^ fo much has heen poured outy of late^ 
 en the other fde of the quefiony thaty merely for the fake of novelty, 
 and 'Variety y one ivcutdfomeiimes 'wijh to be in the right, 
 
 I am, dear Sir, 
 
 YvurfncerefUtidf and ardent admireff 
 
 CtlVEU GOLDSMITH*. 
 
the: 
 
 ESERTED VILLAGE, 
 
 s 
 
 'WEET AuEURN^, lovelieft village of the plain^. 
 Where health and plenty cheer the laboring fv^ainj 
 Where fmiling fpring its carliefl vifit paid, 
 And parting fumn>cr's4i!>gering blooms delayed ; 
 Dear lovely bowers o-F innocence and eafe, 
 Seats of ray youth, when every fpott could pleaTe,. 
 Bow often have I loiter'd o'er thy green, 
 Where humble happinefs endear'd each fcenc I 
 How often have I paus'd orr every charm. 
 The fiieltcr'd cot, the cultivated farm^ 
 The never failing brook, the bufyniiH, 
 The decent church that tcpt the neighbouring hlH 3 
 Th€ hawthorn bufh, with feats beneath the (hade. 
 For talking age and whifpering lovers made 5 
 How often have I bleft the coming day, . 
 Whe.iptoil remitting lent its turn to play, . 
 And all tho village train from labour free, 
 Led up their fports beneath liie fpreadihg tree j 
 While many a patiime circled in the (hide. 
 The young fontendmg.as. the old fu^rveyM ; . 
 And many a gambol frolick'd o'er the ground, 
 And flights of art, and feats of flrength went round 5 
 And flil], as each repealed plea fare tir'd 
 Succeeding fporis the mirthful band infpir'd j : 
 The dancing pair that fimply fought renowa . 
 S 2 
 
 p-M 
 
i» THE DESERTED V I L L A G S. 
 
 By holding out to tire each other down ; 
 
 The fvvain miflrufilefs of his fmutted face. 
 
 While fecret laughter titterM round the place j 
 
 The bafliful virgin's fidelong looks of love, 
 
 The matron's glance that would thofe looks reprove. 
 
 Thefe were thy charms, fweet village ; fportslike there, 
 
 With fweet fuccefiion, taught even toil to pleafe : 
 
 Thefe round thy bovvers their cheerful influence fhedj 
 
 Thefe were thy charms— But all thefe charms arc fled. 
 
 Sweet fmiling village, lovelieft of the lawn, 
 Thy fports are fled, and all thy charms withdrawn ; 
 Amidft thy bowers the tyrant's hand is feen, 
 Anddefolation faddens all thy gr^en : 
 One only mafi-er grafps the whole domain, 
 And half a tillage ftints thy fmiling plain. 
 No more thy glafiy brook reflects the day, 
 Sut, chok'd with ledges, works its weedy way t 
 Along thy glades, a folitary gucft. 
 The hollow founding bittern guards its neft j 
 Amidfl thy defart walks the lapwing flies. 
 And tires their echoes with unvaried cries : 
 Sunk are thy bowers in fhapclefs ruin all. 
 And the long grafs o'crtops the mould'ring wall^. 
 And trembling, fhrinking from the fpoiler's handj,. 
 Par, far away thy children leave the land. 
 
 Ill fares the land, to hafl'ning ills a prey, 
 Where wealth accumulates, and men decay : 
 Princes and lords may flourifh, or may fade ; 
 A breath can make them, as a breath has made : 
 But a bold peafantry, their country's pride. 
 When once dcflroy'd, can never be fupply'd. 
 
 A time there was, ere England's griefs began, 
 Vv^hen every rood of ground maint^in'd its man ; 
 For him light Labour fpread her wholefome (lore,, 
 juft gave wiiat life required, but gave no more ; 
 His befl companions, innocence and health j 
 Aad his belt riches, ignorance oi wealth. 
 
 Bat 
 
^ H 1 D E S E R T E D V I L L A G E. ^i% 
 
 But times are alter'd : Trade's unfeeling traia 
 Ufurp the land, and difpofifefs the fwain. ^ 
 Along the lawn, where fcatter'd hamlets rofe. 
 Unwieldy wealth, and cumbrous pomp, repofe j 
 And every want to luxury ally'd, 
 And every pang that /oily pays to pride, 
 Thofe gentle hours that plenty bade to bioora, 
 Thofe calmdefires that alk'dbut little room,' 
 Thofe healthful fports that grac'd the peaceful {cenc> 
 Liv'din each look, and brighten'd all the green ^ 
 Thefe far departing feek a kinder fnore. 
 And rural mirth and manners are no more. 
 
 Sweet Auburn ! parent of the blifsful hour. 
 Thy glades forlorn confefs the tyrant's power. 
 Here, as I take my folitary rounds, 
 Araidft thy tangling walks, and ruin'd ground^,. 
 And, many a year elaps'd return'd to view 
 Where once the cottage flood, the hawthorn grew j 
 Here, as with doubtful,, penfive (leps I range, 
 Trace every fcene and wonder at the change, 
 Kemembrance wakes with all her bufy train, 
 
 Swells at my breaft, and turns the pad to pain. 
 In all my wand'rings round this world of care^ 
 
 In all my griefs — and God has given my fnarc — 
 
 J ftill had hopes, my lateft hours to crown, 
 
 Amidft thefe humble bowers to lay me down j. 
 
 My anxious day to hufband near the clofe. 
 
 And keep life's flame from wafting by repofe j 
 
 I /till had hopes, for pride attends us ftill, 
 
 Amidft the fwains to {how my book learn'd {kill, 
 
 Around my fire an evening group to draw, 
 
 And telj of all I felt, and all 1 faw : 
 
 And, as a hare whom hounda and horns purfue,. 
 
 Pants td'the place from whence at fijft fiie flew^ 
 
 I ftill had hopes, my long vexations paft, 
 
 Uers Id return— and die at home at laft, 
 
 9 bl6f> 
 
^IZ TH.E DESERTED V ILL AGS. 
 
 O bleft retirement ! friend to life's decline. 
 Retreats from care that never muft be mine. 
 How bleft is he who crowns, in fliades like ihefej 
 A youth of labour with an age of eafe ; 
 Who quits a world where flrong temptations try,. 
 And fince 'tis hard to combat, learns to fty ! 
 Tor him no wretches, born to work and weep. 
 Explore the mine, or tempt the dangerous deep, j; 
 >J« furly porter flands in guilty flate, 
 To fpurn imploring famine from the gate ; . 
 But on he moves to meet kis latter end, , 
 Angels around befriending virtue's friend ; 
 Sinks to the grave with unperceiv'd decay,. 
 While refignatiou gently (lopes the way, . 
 And all his profpedls brightening at the !afl. 
 His heaven commences ere the world be paft ; 
 
 S%eet was the found, when oft at evening's clofe;>-. 
 Up yonder hill the village murmur rofe : 
 There, as I pafs'd with carelefs fteps and flow, , 
 The mingling notes came foften'd from below ; 
 The fwain refponfive as the milk maid fung, 
 The fober herd that low'd to meet their young j 
 The noify geefe that gabbled o'er the poo), 
 The playful children ju(t let loofe fromfchool c 
 The watch dog's voice thit bay'd the whifpering windj 
 And the loud hugh that fpokc the vacant mind ; 
 Thefeall in foft confulion fought the fliade, 
 Andfill'd each pan fe the nightingale had made. 
 But now the founds of population fail : . 
 No cheerful murmurs fiudtuate.in the gale ; 
 No bufy ficp5 the grafs grown foot way tread, » 
 
 But all their bloomy fiufii of life is fled ; 
 All but yon widow'd, folitary thing, 
 That feebly bends befide the plafhy fpring ; 
 She, wretched matron, forc'd, in age, for bread, , 
 To ftrip the brook with mantling crefles fpread, . 
 
 
THE DESERTED VILLAGE, a^ 
 
 To pick her wintry faggot from the thorn, 
 To leek her nightly (hade, and weep till nioin t 
 She only-left, of all the harmlefs train, 
 The fad hiflorian ofthe penfive plain. 
 
 Near yonder copfe> where once the garden fmird, 
 Aixd fiill where many a garden flower grows wild ; 
 There, where a few torn fhrubs the place difclofe, 
 The village preacher's modeft manfion rofe. 
 A man he was to all the couwtry dear, 
 And pafilng rich with forty pounds a year ; 
 Remote from towns he ran his godly race, 
 Nor e'er had chang'd, nor widi'd to change his place ; 
 UnfKiHritl he to fawn, or feek for power. 
 By doctrines fafaion'd to the varying hour ; 
 Far other aims his heart had learnt to prize. 
 More bent to raife the wretched than to rife. 
 His houfe was known to all the vagrant train, . 
 He chid their wanderings, but reiiev'd their pain ; 
 The long reraeinber'd beggar was his gued, 
 Whofe beard defcending fwept his aged breafl ;. 
 The ruin'd fpendthrift, now no longer proud,, 
 Claim'd kindred there, and had his claims aliovv'd j 
 The broken foldier kindly bade to flay. 
 Sat by his fire, and talk'd the night away ; 
 Wept o'er his wounds, or, tales of forrow done, 
 Shoulder'd his crutcli, and fhow'd how fields were won. 
 Pleas'd with hisguefts, the good man leaxn'd to glow, 
 And quite forgot their vices in their woe : 
 Carelefs their merits, or their faults to fcan, 
 His pity gave, ere charity began. 
 
 Thus to relieve the wretched was his pride. 
 And, ev*n his failings lean'd to virtue's fide ; 
 But in his duty prompt at every call, 
 He vvatch'd and wept, he pray'd, and felt for alU 
 And, as a bird each fond endearment tries 
 To tempt its new fledg'd offspring to the ikies^ 
 He iry'd each art, reprov'deach dull delay^ 
 
 AllurM^. 
 
414 THE DESERTED VILLAGE, 
 
 Allur'd to brighter worlds, and led the way. 
 
 Befide the bed where parting h'fe was laid, 
 And forrow, guilt and pain, by turns difmay'd. 
 The reverend champion flood. At his control) 
 Defpair and anguifli fled the firuggling foul. 
 Comfort came down the trembling wretch to raife, 
 And his laft faltering accents whifpered praife. 
 
 At church, with meek and unaffected grace, 
 His looks adorn'd the venerable place; 
 Ijjijth from his lips prevail'd with double fway. 
 And fools, who came to feoff, remain'd to pray* 
 The fcrvicc pafi around the pious man, 
 With ready zeal each honeft rurtick. ran ; 
 E'en children follow'd with endearing wile, 
 And pluck'd his gown, to (hare the good man's (mile j 
 His ready fmile a parent's warmth exprefs'd, 
 Their welfare pleas'd him, and their cares diftrefs'd ; 
 To them his heart, his love, his griefs were giv'n, 
 But all his ferious ♦houghts had reft in heav'n : 
 As fums tall cliff that lifts its awful form, 
 Swells from the vale, and midway leaves the ftorm, 
 Though round its bread the rolling clouds arc fpread. 
 Eternal funfhin'e fettles on its head. 
 
 Befide yon (Irag^^liog fence that fkirts the way, 
 With bloffom'd furze unprofitable gay. 
 There in his noify manfion fkill'd to rule, 
 Ihe village mafter taught his little fchool : ' 
 
 A man fevere he was, and ftern to view, 
 I knew him well, and every truant knew : 
 Well had the boding tremblers learnt to trace. 
 The day's difafters in his morning face ; 
 Full well they laugh'd, with counterfeited glee, 
 At all his jokes, for many a joke had he ; 
 Full well the bufy whifper circling round, 
 Convey'd the difmal tidings when he frown'd ; 
 Yet he was kind, or if fevere, in aughr, 
 The love he bore to lesrning was in fault. 
 
 TliQ 
 
THpDESERTED VILLAGE, 115 
 
 The village all dcclar'd how much he knew ; 
 'Twas certain he could write, and cypher too : 
 Lands he could meafure, times and tides prcfage. 
 And even the ftoryran that he could gauge. 
 In arguing tootheparfon own'd his ikiJl, 
 For, ev'n though vanquifli'd he could argue dill ; 
 While words of learned length and thundering foundj 
 Amaz'd the gazing ruflicks rang'd around : 
 A^d ftiil they gaz*d, and ftill the wonder grew, 
 That one fmall head could carry all he knew. 
 But pafl is all his fame. The very Tpot 
 Where many a time he triumph'd, is forgot. 
 
 Near yonder thorn, that lifts its head on high. 
 Where once the fign poft caught the pading eye, 
 Low lies that houfe where nut brown draughts infpir'd^ 
 Where grey bard mirth and (miling toil retir'd : 
 Where village ftatefmen talk'd with looks profound^ 
 And news much older than their ale went round. 
 Imagination fondly (loops to trace 
 The parlour fplendors of that feftive place : 
 The white wafh*d wall, the nicely fanded floor. 
 The varnifh'd clock that click'd behind the door ; 
 The chefl contrived a double debt to pay, 
 A bed by night, a cheft of drawers by day ; 
 The piftures plac'd for ornament and ufe. 
 The twelve gold rules, the royal game of goofe 5 
 The hearth, except when winter chill'd the day. 
 With afpen boughs, and flowers, and fennel gay ; 
 Wii I^ broken teacups, wifely kept for (how, 
 Ran^jMo'er the chimney, gliflen'd in a row. 
 
 Vain, tranfitory fplendors ! Could not all 
 Reprieve the tottering manfion from its fall I 
 Obfcure it finks, nor (hall it more impart 
 An hour's importance to the poor man's heart* 
 Thither no more the pea{ant fhall repair 
 To fweet oblivion ef his daily care; 
 Mo more the farmer's news, the barber's tale, 
 
 1^9 
 
;i^ T tt E D E S E R T £ D V I L t A G fe; 
 
 No more the woodman's ballad fliall prevail ; 
 No more the fmith his diilky brow fiiall clear. 
 Relax hfis ponderous ftrengih, and learn to hear ^ 
 The hoft himfelf no longer (hall be found 
 Careful to fee the mantling blifs go round ; 
 Nor the coy maid, half willing to be preft, 
 Shall kifs the cup to pafs it to the reft. 
 
 Yes, let the rich deride, the proud difdain, 
 Thefe fimple blelTIngs of the lowly train ; 
 To me more dear, congenial to my heart. 
 One native charm, than all the glofs of art. 
 Spontaneous joys, where nature has its play. 
 The foul adopts and owns their firft born fway; 
 Lightly they frolick o'er the vacant mind, 
 Unenvied, unmolefted, unconfin'd : 
 But the long pomp, the midnight mafquerade, 
 With all the freaks of wanton wealth array 'd. 
 In thefe, ere triflers half their wifh obtain. 
 The toiling pleafure fickens into pain ; 
 And, e'en while fafhion's brightefl: arts decoyj 
 The heart, diftrufiing, alks if this be joy. 
 
 Ye friends to truth, ye flatefmen who furvey 
 The rich man's joys increafc, the poor's decay, 
 'Tis yours to judge, how wide the limits (land 
 Between a fplendidand a happy land. 
 Proud fwells the tide with loads of freighted ore, 
 And floating Folly hails them from her fhore ; 
 Hoards, even beyond the mifer's wifli abound. 
 And rich men fiock from all the world around. 
 Yet count our gains. Thisj>vealth is but a namCi 
 That leaves our ufeful produds ftill the fame. 
 Not fo the lofs. The man of wealth and pride 
 Takes up a fpace that many poor (upply'd ; 
 Space for his lake, his park's extended bounds. 
 Space for his horfes, equipage and hounds : 
 The robe that wraps his limbs in filken floth, 
 K4S robb'd tlie neighb'i ing fields of half their growth j 
 
 Hit 
 
THE DESERTED VILLAGE. nj 
 
 His feat, where folitary fporfs are feen, 
 Indignant fpurns the coltage from the green : 
 Around the world each needful product flies. 
 For all the luxuries the world fiipplies. 
 While thus the land, adorned for pleafureall. 
 In barren fplendor feebly waits the fall. 
 
 As fome fair female unadorn'd and plain, 
 Secure to pleafe while youth confirms her reign. 
 Slights every borrow 'd charm that drefs Aipplies^ 
 Nor fljares with art the triumph of her eyes ; 
 But when thofe charms are paft, for charms are fraif, 
 When time aflvances, and when lovers fail, 
 She then (hines forth, folicitous to blefs. 
 In all the glaring impotence ot drefs : 
 Thus fares the land, by luxury betray 'd, 
 In nature's fimpleft charms at firft array'd, 
 But verging to decline, it fplendors rife. 
 Its viftas llrike, its palaces furprife j 
 While fcourg'd by famine from the fmiling Utid, 
 The mournful peafant leads his humble band ; 
 And, while he finks without one arm to fave. 
 The country blooms — a garden and a grave. 
 
 Where then, ah, where fliall poverty refidcp 
 To 'fcape the prefflire of contiguous pride ? 
 If to fome common's fencelefs limits fIrayM, 
 He drivef-, his flock to pick the fcanty blade, 
 Thofe fencelefs fields the fans of wealth divide, 
 And even the bare worn common is deny'd. 
 
 If to the city fped — VvHiat waits him tiiere ? 
 To fee profufion tliat he muft not fhare; 
 To fee ten ihoufand baneful arts combin'd. 
 To pamper luxury, and thin mankind ; , 
 To fee each joy the fons of pleasure know, 
 Extorted from his fellow creature's woe. 
 Here, while the courtier glitters in brocade. 
 There the pale artifl plies the fickly trade y ^ 
 Here \yhi\it the proud their long drawn pomps difp lay, 
 
 T ' T;c-- 
 
7« TH E D ES ERTE D VI XL A GE. 
 
 There tlie black ^bbet glooms befidc the way. 
 
 The dome where pleafure holds her midnight reign, 
 
 J!ere richly deck'd admits the gorgeous tram ; 
 
 Tumultuous grandeur crowds thebtazing fquare, 
 
 The rattling chariots cla(h, the torciies glare : 
 
 Sure fcenes like thefe no troubles e'er annoy 1 
 
 Sure thefe denote one unirerfal joy ! 
 
 Are thefe thy ferious thoughts ? — Ah, turn thine eyes 
 
 Where the poor houfelefs (hi v 'ring female lies ; 
 
 Sh« once, perhaps, in village plenty blefs'd. 
 
 Has wept at talcs of innocence diftrefs'd ; 
 
 Her modeft looks the cottage might adorn, 
 
 Sweet as the primrofe peeps beneath the thorn ; 
 
 Now loft to all her friends, her virtue fled, 
 
 Near her betrayer's door fhe lays her head ; 
 
 And, pinch'd with cold, and Shrinking from the fhow*r, 
 
 With heavy heart deplores that lucklefs hour, 
 
 When idly firft, ambitious of the town, 
 
 She left her wheel and robes of country brown. 
 
 Do thine, fweet Auburn, thine the loveliefl: train. 
 Do thy fair tribes participate her pain ? 
 Even now, perhaps, by cold and hunger led. 
 At proud men's doors they afk a little bread j 
 Ah 1 no. To diftant climes, a dreary fcene. 
 Where half the convex world intrudes between. 
 To torrid tracts with fainting fteps they go. 
 Where wild Altama murmurs to their woe. 
 Tar different there from all th?.^ charm'd before. 
 The various terrors of that horrid fliore, . 
 Thofe blazing funs that dart a downward ray, 
 And fiercely ftied intolerable dayi 
 Thofe matted woods where birds forget to fing. 
 But filent hats in drowfy cliiflers cling ; 
 Thole poifonous fiel is with rank luxuriance crown'd, 
 Where the dark fcorpion gathers death a/ound ; 
 Where, at each ftep, the (Iranger fears to vrake 
 The rattling terrors ©f the vengeful fnake ; Where 
 
THE DESERTED VILLAGE. zs^ 
 
 Where crouching tygers wait their haplefs prey, 
 And favage men, more murderous ftiil than they ; 
 While ofr in Worlds the rrad tornado flies, 
 Mingling the ravag'd landfcape with the flcies : 
 FardifFirent thefe from every former fcene. 
 The cooling brrsok, the grafTy vefted green. 
 The breezy coverf of the warb'in^grove, 
 That only fhelterM thefts of harmlefs love. 
 
 Good heiiv°n ! what forrows gloom'd that parpJng day. 
 That call'd them from their sative walks away ! 
 When the poor exiles, every pleafure paf>, 
 Hung ronnd their bowers, and fondly look'd their iaiJ, 
 And took a long farewell, and vvifli'd, in vain. 
 For feaJo iik*^ thefe beyond the wefiern main j 
 And /hudu'rin^ flill to face the diflant deep, 
 Retnrn'd and wept, and flill return'd to weep. 
 The good jM fire, who firfl prepared to go ' 
 
 To new found worlds, and wept for others woe ; 
 Btu for bimfelf, in confcious virtue brave, 
 He only wifh'd for worlds beyond the grave. 
 His lovely daughter, love'ier in her tears. 
 The fond companion of his helplefs years. 
 Silent went next, negledful of her charm?. 
 And left a lover's for her father's arms. 
 With louder plaints the mother fpoke her woes. 
 And blefs'd the cot where every pleafure rofe ; 
 And kifs'd her thoughtlefs babes with many a tear^. 
 And clafp'd them clofe, in lorrow doubly dear j 
 While her fond hufband ftrove to lend relief 
 In all the decent manlinefs of grief. 
 
 O Luxury I Thou curfs'dby heaven's decree. 
 How ill exchang'd are things like thefe for thee f 
 How do thy potions with infiduous joy, 
 Diffufe their pleafures only to deflroy 1 
 Kingdoms by thee to fickly greatnefs grown, 
 Boaft of a florid vigour not their own. 
 At every draught more large and large they grow, . 
 
 A bloated mafs of rank unwieldy woe j , 
 
 'Tiia 
 
229 THE DESERTED VILLAGE, 
 
 'Till fapp'd their ftrength, and every part unfound, 
 Down, down lliey fink, and fpread a ruin round. 
 
 E'en now the devaftation is begun, 
 And half the bufinefs of deftru<Sliofi done j 
 E'en noTv, methinks, as pondering here I ftand, 
 I fee the rural virtues leave the land ; 
 Bjwn where yon anchoring veflel f}:>read3 the fail^ 
 That idly waiting flaps with every gale, 
 Downward they move, a melancholy band, 
 ^dfs from the fliore, and darl-en all the llrand. 
 Contented Toil, and hofpitable Care, 
 And kind connubial Tendernels, are there j 
 And Piety with wilhes pla^'d abovc». 
 And Heady Loyalty, and laitliful Love. 
 
 And thou, fweet Poetry, lijoii lovelieft maid, 
 S*;ll firfr to flv where fenfual joys invade ; 
 Unfir, in ^heie deji^enerate times of fhame. 
 To catch the heart, or flrike for honed fame ; 
 Dear charming nymph, neglefled and decried. 
 My fhcifne in crowds, my folitary pride; 
 Tliou i'ource of all my blifs, and all my woe, 
 Thou found'll me poor at fiift, and keep'ft me io 3 
 Thou guide by which the nobler arts excel. 
 Thou nurfe of every virtue, fare the well : 
 Farewell ; and ohi where'er thy voice be try'd, 
 On Torno's clifEs, or Pambaraarca's fide, 
 W!)ether where cquinoftial fervours glo^, 
 Or winter wraps the polar world in fnow ; 
 Still let thy voice, prevailing over Time, 
 Rcdrefs the rigours of the inclement cliiue j 
 Aid flighted Truth with thy perfuafive firain, 
 Teacli erring man to fpurn the rage of gain ; 
 Teach liim,-that ftates of native fiirength poffefs'd 
 Though very poor, may flill be very blefs'd ; 
 That trade's proud empire hades to fvvift decay, 
 As ocean fweeps the laboured mole away ; 
 While felfdependent power can time defy, 
 \s rocks refift the billows and the Iky. 
 
 EDWIN 
 
EDWIN AND ANGELINA. 
 
 A BALLAD, 
 
 f* A URN, gentle- hermit of the dale, 
 
 And guide my lonely way 
 To where yon taper cheers the vale 
 
 With hofpitable ray. 
 
 Pr^r here forlorn and loft I tread, 
 With fainting fteps and flow : 
 
 Where wilds immeafurabiy fpread. 
 Seem lengthening as I go/' 
 
 «* Forbear, my fon," the hermit cries 
 To tempt the dangerous gloom ; 
 
 For yonder phantom only flies 
 To lure thee to thy doom. 
 
 Here to the houfelefs child of want- 
 
 My door is open ftill ; 
 And though my portion is but fcant^ 
 
 I give it with good will. 
 
 Then turn to night, and freely fliare 
 Whate'er my cell beftows ; 
 
 My rufhy couch and frugal fare. 
 My blefling and repofe. 
 
 No flocks that range the valley free 
 
 To flaughter I condemn ; 
 Taught by that Power that pities mCj, 
 
 I learn to pity them, 
 
 T 3 
 
li* EDWIN AND ANGELINA. 
 
 But from the mountain's gralTy fide 
 
 A guiltlefs fcaft I bring ; 
 A fcrip with herbs and fruits Tupply'd, 
 
 And water from the filing. 
 
 Then pilgrim, turn, thy cares forego. 
 
 For earth born cares are wrong j 
 Man wants but little here below. 
 Nor wants that litUe long. 
 
 Soft as the dew from heav'n defcenilsp 
 
 His genrfe accents fell : 
 The grateful flranger lowly bends, 
 
 And follows to the cell. 
 
 Far fbeltcr'd ia a glade obfcure, 
 r. The modefl manfion lay ; 
 .. A refuge to the neighbouring p»r, 
 ,- And Grangers led ailray. 
 
 No (lores beneath its humble thatch 
 Required a mafler's care j 
 
 The door juft opening with a latch^ 
 Rcceiv'd the harmiefs pair. 
 
 And now whei). worldly crowds retire 
 
 To revels or to reft, 
 The hermit trjmia'd his litile fire, 
 
 And chcei'd his jjenfiye gucft j 
 
 And rpreadhJs vegetable ftore, 
 And gaily prefs'd and fmii'd 5 
 
 And, flciU'd in legandary lore, 
 The lingering hours btguil'd. 
 
 Around in fympathetick mirth 
 Its f ricks ilje kitten tries ; 
 
 The cricket chirups in the Iiearth 5 
 The fracklin^ faggot flies. 
 
 But 
 
EDWIN AND ANGELINA^ %zs 
 
 But nothing could a charm impart 
 
 To foothc the ftrsnger's woe ; 
 For grief was heavy at his heart. 
 
 And tears began to flow. 
 
 His rifing cares the hermit fpy'd, li 
 
 With anfwering care opprefs'd : 
 ** And whence, unfiappy youth," he cry '^ 
 
 «* The forrows of thy breaft ? 
 
 F^ora better habitations fpurn'd^ 
 
 Reluctant dofl thou rove, 
 9r grieve for friendship unreturn'd, 
 
 Or unregarded love. 
 
 Alas I the joys thai fortune bringsj . 
 
 Arc trifling, and decay : 
 And thofe who prire the paltry things^ 
 
 More trifling ftill than they. 
 
 And what is friendfnip but a naiKC^ 
 
 A charm that hills to fleep j 
 A (hade that follows wealth or fatDCj 
 
 But leaves the wretch to weep } 
 
 And love is ftill an emptier foufiJ^ 
 
 The haughty fair one's jeft, 
 On earth unfeen, or only found 
 
 To warm the turtle's nell.' 
 
 For rtiame, fond youth, thy forrows huQt) 
 
 Andf[>urn the fex,*' he faid ; 
 But while be fpoke, a.riting blufh 
 
 The bafliful gu^ft betray 'd. 
 
 He fees unnumber'd, beauties rife, 
 
 Expanding to the view ; 
 Uke clouds that deck the morning fkie?^ 
 
 As brigjit, as tranfient too. 
 
EDWIN AND ANGELINA. 
 
 Her looks, her lips her panting breaf^. 
 
 Alternate fpread alarms ; 
 The lovely flrangcr ftands confeft 
 
 A maid in all her charms. 
 
 And, « Ah, forgive a ftranger rud€^v 
 A wretch forlorn," (he cry'd ; 
 
 "Whofe feet iinhallowM thus intrude 
 Where heav'n and you refidc. 
 
 But let a maid thy pity (hare, 
 Wliom love has taught to ftray 5 
 
 Who feeks for reft, but finds Defpair- 
 Companion of her way. 
 
 My father liv'd befide the Tync, 
 
 A wealthy lord was he : 
 And all his wealth was mark'd as mine 5 
 
 He had but only me. 
 
 To win me from his tender arras, 
 
 Unnumber'd fuitors came; 
 Who prais'd me for imputed charms, 
 
 And felt, or feign'd a flame. 
 
 Sach morn the gay fantaftick crowd 
 With richefl proffers ftrovc : 
 
 Among the reft young Edwin bow'd, . 
 But never talk'd of love. 
 
 In humble, fimpleft habit clad ; 
 
 No wealth nor power had he ; 
 A conftant heart was all he had, 
 
 But that was all tome. 
 
 The bloftbm opening to the day. 
 The dews of heav'n refin'd, 
 
 Gould nought of purity difplay, 
 To emulate his mind. 
 
 The 
 
EDWIN AND ANGELINA, 3*5 
 
 The dew, the bloflbm on the tree, 
 
 With charms inconftant fhine ; 
 Their charms were his, but, woe to vac, 
 
 Their conftancy was mine. 
 
 For ftill I try*d each fickle art, 
 
 Importunate and vain : 
 And while iiis pafTion touchM my heart, 
 
 I triumph'd in his pain. 
 
 Till, quite dejefted with my fcorn, 
 
 He left me to my pride ; 
 And fought a foiitude forlorn, 
 
 In fecret, where he dy'd. 
 
 But mine the forrow, mine the faulf^ 
 
 And well my life fnalJ pay ; 
 i'il feek I he foiitude he fought. 
 
 And Itretch me where he lay. 
 
 And there, forlorn, defpairing hid, 
 
 I'll lay me down and die : 
 'Twas fo for nne that Edwin did. 
 
 And fo for him will I,'' 
 
 Thou (halt not thus," the hermit cryM, 
 
 And clafp'd her to his breart ; 
 The wond'ring fair one turn'd to ehide— =■ 
 
 'Twas Edwin's felf that preft, 
 
 *'Turn, Angelina, ever dear, 
 
 My charmer, turn to fee 
 Thy own, thy long loft Edwin here, 
 
 Reflor'd to love and thee. 
 
 Thus let me hold thee to my heart. 
 
 And every care refign ; 
 And (hall we never, never part, 
 
 O thou— -my all that's mine ? 
 
 No, never from this hour to part, . 
 
 We'll live and love fo true j 
 The figh that rends thy con flan t heart. 
 
 Shall break thy Edwin's too." THs 
 
3^8= 
 
 THE 
 
 DOUBLE TRANSFORMATION. 
 
 TALE. 
 
 OECLUDED from dom<^nick ftrifr, 
 Jack Bookworm liv'd a college life ; 
 A fellowHiip at twenty five 
 Made him the happieft man alive ; 
 He drank his glafs, and crack'd his joke, 
 And Fielhmen wonder'd as he fpoke : 
 Wirhciit politenefs, aim'd at breedirg, 
 And laugh'd at pedantry and reading. 
 
 Such pleafures, unallay'd with care. 
 Could any accident impair ? 
 Could Cupid's fhaft in length transfixj 
 Ourfwain arriv'd at thirty fix ? 
 O had the archer ne'er come down, 
 To ravage in a country town I 
 Or Flavia been content to ftop 
 At triumphs in a Fleet fireet (hop I 
 O had her eyes forgot to blaze ! 
 Or Jack h^d wanted eyes to gaze I 
 
 O 1 But let exclamation ceale. 
 
 Her prcfence banifti'd all his peace. 
 
 Our aUer'd par Ton now began 
 To be a perte«Sl ladiei' man ; 
 Made fonnets, lifpsM his fermon o'er. 
 And told the tales he told before,. 
 
DOUBLE TRANSFORMATION, az. 
 
 'Of bailiffs piimp'd and proiHors bit, 
 
 At college how he {hew'd his wit : 
 
 And as the fair one ftill approved, 
 
 He fell in love — or thought he lov'd ; 
 
 So with decorum all things carried j 
 
 Miis frown'd, and blufh'd, and then was— married. 
 
 Need we expofe to vulgar fight 
 The raptures of the bridal night ? 
 Need we intrude on hallow'd ground. 
 Or draw the curtains clofe around ? 
 Let it luffice, that each had charms ; 
 He claps'd a goddefs in his arms j 
 And, though fhe felt his vifage rough, 
 Yet in a man 'twas well enough. 
 
 The honey moon hke lightning flew, 
 The fecond brought its tranfports too, 
 A third, a fourth was notamifs j 
 The fifth was friendship mix'd with blifs : 
 But when a twelvemonth pafs'd away, 
 Jack found his goddefs made of clay ; 
 Found half the charms that deck'd her face, 
 Arofe from powder, Hireds, or lace ; 
 But ftill the word r?main'd behind, 
 That very face had robb'd her mind. 
 
 Skill'd in mo other art was fhe, 
 But drefling, patching, repartee 5 
 And, jufl as humour rofe or felt, 
 By turns a flattern, or a^belle : 
 *ris true (he drefs'd with modern grace, 
 Half naked at a ball or race ; 
 But when at home, al board or bed, 
 Five greafy niglu cap* wrapped her head. 
 Could fo much beaa':y condefcend 
 To be a dull domeftick friend i 
 Could any curtain leftures bring 
 To decency fo fine a thing ? 
 
 hi 
 
12S DOUBLE TRANSFORM ATION* 
 
 In ihort, by night, 'twas fits or fretting ; 
 By day, 'twas gadding or coquetting. 
 
 Now tawdry madam kept a bevy, 
 Of powder'd coxcombs at her levee ; 
 The 'fquirc and captain took their flations. 
 And twenty other near relations ; 
 Jack fuck'd his pipe and often broke 
 A figh in fuffocating foioke ; 
 She, in her turn, become perplexing, 
 And found fubftantial blifsin vexing. 
 Thus every hour was pafs'd between 
 Infuldng repartee or fpleen. 
 Each day, the more her faults were known, 
 He thinks her features coarfer grown; 
 He fancies every vice (he (hows, 
 Or thins her lips, or points her nofc ; 
 Whenever rage or envy rife. 
 How wide her mouth, how wild her eyes I 
 He knows not how, bat fo it is. 
 Her face is grown a knowing phiz ; 
 And though her fops are wonderous civil. 
 He thinks her ug.'y as the devil. 
 
 Thus, to perplex the ravell'd noofe. 
 While each a different way purfues. 
 While fallen or loquacious firife 
 Promis'd to l^old on during life, 
 That dire difeafe, whc'e ruthlels power 
 Withers the beauty's tranfieut flower«~ 
 Lo I tl.e fmall pox, whole hv}rrid glaie, 
 Levell'd its terrors at the fair, 
 And, riding every youthful grace, 
 Left but the remnant of a face. 
 
 The glafs, f^rown hateful to hi" fight, 
 Refieaed uuw a pcife^^ fright ; 
 Each former art Hie vainly tries 
 To bring back ludre to her eyes. 
 In vain flie trks her paftes and creams. 
 
DOUBLE TRANSFORMATION, j 
 
 To fmooth her /ki.n, or hide its Teams ; 
 Her counlry beaux and cjty ecu fins, 
 Lovers no more, flew off by dozens : 
 The Tquire himlelf was feen to yield. 
 
 And e'en the captain quit the field. 
 Poor madam, now condemned to hack 
 
 The reft of life with anxious Jack, 
 
 Perceiving others fairly flown. 
 
 Attempted pleafing him alone. 
 
 Jack foon was dairzled to behold 
 
 Her prefent face furpafs the old ; 
 
 With modefty her cheeks were dy'dj 
 
 Humility difplaces pride ; 
 
 P'or tawdry finery is feen 
 
 A perfon ever neatly clean ; 
 
 No more prefiiming on her fway 
 
 She learns good nature every dav • 
 
 Serenely gay, and ftria in duty/ 
 lack finds his wife a peifea: beaufv. 
 
 tu9 
 
 h m^^ 
 
A NEW SIMILE. 
 
 IN THE MANNER Of SwiFT. 
 
 I LONG had rack'd my brains to find 
 A likenefs for the fcribbhng kind, 
 The modern fcribbling kind, who. write 
 In wit, and fenfe, in nature's fpite : 
 Till reading, I forget what day on, 
 A chapter out of Took's Pantheon, 
 I think I met with fomcthing there, 
 To fuit my purpofe to a hair. 
 Bat let us not proceed too furious, 
 Firfl pleafc to turn to god Mercurius ; 
 You'll find him piaur'd at full length 
 In book the fecond, page the tenth : 
 The ftrefs of all my proofs on him I lay. 
 
 And now proceed we to our fimile. 
 Imprimis, pray obferve his hat ; 
 
 Wings upon either fide mark that. 
 
 Well 1 What is it from thence we gather ?, 
 
 Why, thefe denote a brain of feather. 
 
 A brain of feather— very right j 
 
 Wi'.h wit that's flighty, learning light ; 
 
 Such as to modern bards decreed, 
 
 A jufl comparifon — Proceed'^ 
 
 In the NEXT place, his feet perufe. 
 
 Wings grow again from both his flioes 5 
 
 Defign'd, no doubt, their part to bear. 
 
 And waft his godfhip through the air : 
 
 And here my fimile unites ; 
 
 For, in a modern poet's flights, 
 
 I'm fure it may be juflly faid, 
 
 |iis feet arc ufeful fs Ui? jta^r 
 
ANEWSIMILE. j 
 
 Lastly, vouchfafe t'obferve his hand^ 
 Fiird with afnake encircled wand 5 
 By claCick authors term'd Caducis^ 
 i\nd highly fam*d for feveral ufes. 
 To wit — mod wond'roufly endu'd. 
 No poppy water half fo good ; 
 For let folks only get a touch. 
 Its foporifick virtue's fuch. 
 Though ne'er To mucli awake beforcj 
 That quickly they begin to fncre. 
 Add too, what certain writers tell, 
 "With this he drives men's fouls to hell. 
 
 Now to apply, begin we then : 
 His wand's a modern author's pen ; 
 The ferpents round about it twin'd. 
 Denote him of the reptile kind ; 
 Denote the rage with which he writes, 
 Kis frothy fiaver, vcnom'd bites ; 
 An equal fernblance ftill to keep. 
 Alike they both conduce to fieep. 
 This difierencc only, as the god 
 Dr€ve fouls to Tart'rus with his rod, 
 Witfi his goofe quill the fcribbling elf, 
 InfiCad of others, damns himfelf. 
 
 And here my fimile'salmoft tript. 
 Yet grant a v/ord by way of poftfcript ; 
 Moreover, Merc'ry had a failing : 
 Weill What of that ? out with it—ftealingj 
 In which our fcribbling bards agree, 
 Being each as great a thief as he ; 
 But ev'n his deity's exigence 
 Shall lend my fimile alliftance. 
 Our modern bards ! why, what a pox 
 Are they but fenfdefs ftones and blocks ? 
 
 RETALIATION. 
 

 RETALIATION. 
 
 [THE t'lth and nature of this Poem, Jho'vos that it 
 rwed its birth to jome preceding circumjiances of fefii've merri- 
 ment^ njohich, from the ivif eftbe company ^ and the 'very ingenious 
 muthor* s peculiar oddities^ ivere probably cnli'vewed by fome poig- 
 nant Jlroies <f humour. This piece tuas only intended for the 
 Dolor's private amufement^ and that of the ptirticulur friends 
 nvho tuere itsfuhje^ ; and he unfortunately did not linje to r^vife^ 
 or eiwi to fnifh it, in the manner ivhich he intended ] 
 
 o, 
 
 Fold when Scarronhis tompanlons invited, 
 Each gueft brought his dirt), and the fcaft was united ; 
 If OUT faj landlord fupplics us with beef and with fifli. 
 Let each gueft bring himfelf, and he brings tlie beft difk. 
 Our fbj Dean fhall be vcnifon jufl frefh from the plains ; 
 tiux (c) Burke fliall be tongue, with a garnifli of brains j 
 Omt fdj ^^'ill (hall be wild foul, ot exrcilent flavour, 
 And fej Dick, with his pepper fhall heighten their favour : 
 
 Our 
 
 {a J 77:e mipr of the St. James's ef>ff>ehoufey ijohere the 
 Dctlor and the friends he hath claraSlerizrd in this poem, held 
 etn occafional club, 
 
 (b) Doclor Barnard, Dean of Derry^ in Ireland, author of 
 many ingenious pieces. 
 
 (c) Mr. Ediucird Burke, member for Wendo-ver, and one of the 
 greatcjl orators in this kingdom. 
 
 (d) Mr JVdliam Burke, late Secretary to Cfneral Conway, and 
 member for Beduoin, 
 
 (e) Mr. Richard Burhy CollecJorofGranaJa^ no lejs remarkable 
 in the 'walks ofioit and humour than his brother Edmund Burke, 
 isjujily dijlingw/bed in all the branches ofu/eful and polite literature^ 
 
1 
 
 'i^ETALlATION. 
 
 ^nr {fj Cumberland's fweet bread its place fhall obtairt. 
 
 And fgj Douglas is pudding fubftantial and pl^n : 
 
 Our fhj Garrick's a fallad, for in him we fe& 
 
 Oil, vinegar, fugar and faltnels agree : 
 
 To make out ti^e dinner, full certain I am. 
 
 That fij Ridge is anchovy, and fkj Rsynolds i$ !ani\|. 
 
 That {ij Hickey's a capon, and, by the fame rule> 
 
 Magnanimous Goldfmith, a goofeberry fool : 
 
 At a dinner fo various, at fuch a repaft. 
 
 Who'd not be a glutton and ftick to the laft I 
 
 Here waiter, more wine, let me fit while I'm able, 
 
 'Till all my companions fink under the table ; 
 
 Then with chaes and blunders encircling ray head^ 
 
 X.et me ponder, and. tell what I think of the dead. 
 
 Here lies the good Dean, reunited to earth, 
 Who mixM rcafon with pleafure, and wifdom with mirth } 
 If he had any faults, he has left us in doubt. 
 At leaft in fix weeks, I could not find 'em out ; 
 Yet fome have declar'd and it can't be denied 'em. 
 That fly boots wascurfedly cunning to hide *em. 
 
 Here lies our good Edmund, whofe genius was fuclj- 
 We fcarcely can praife it, or blame it too much • 
 Who, born for the univerfe, narrow'd his mind, 
 
 U a And 
 
 (fJ Author of the Weftindlan^ Fajhionahle Lo^er, the Brothers, 
 and other dramatick pieces, 
 
 (g) DoBor Douglas^ Canon of Wlndfer, an Ingenious Scotch gen- 
 tleman ^ ivho has no lefi ' d'lfi'inguijbed himfelf as a citizen of the 
 ^vjorldy than a found critick in deleting fenjeral literary mifakes^ 
 Qr rather forgeries of his countrymen ; particularly Lander m 
 Milton J and Roi.'jsr's hljlory of the Popes. 
 
 (h) Darvid Gar rick, Efq ; joint patentee and a8ivg manager of 
 the Theatre Roja\ Drury Lane. 
 
 (i) C^unfellor John Ridge, a gentleman belonging to the Irlfb 
 bar \ the relijb ofivhofe agreeable and pointed cowverfation is ad-^ 
 mittedby all his acquaintances^ to be 'very properly compared to 
 the abonjefauce, 
 
 (k) Sirjofhua Reynolds, prefdent of the Royal Acsidmy, 
 (I) An emment atim^efy 
 
R E T A L I A T I O N. j^ 
 
 Aid to party gave up what was meant for mankind ; 
 Though fraught with all learning, yet (training his throat, 
 To perfuade fmj[ Tommy Townleod to lend him a vole j 
 Who, too deep for his hearers, tlill went on refining, 
 And thought of convincing, while ihey thought of dining ; 
 Though equal to all things, for all things unfit, 
 Too nice for a ftatcfman, too proud for a wit ; 
 Jsor a patriot too cool, for a drudg^e difobedient, 
 -And too fond of the right to purfue the expedient. 
 In fliort 'twas his fate, unemployed or in place^fir, 
 To eat mutton cold, and to cut blocks with a razor. 
 Here lies honeft William, whcfe heart was a mint, 
 "While the owner ne'er knew half the good that was in't ; 
 The pupil of impulfe, it forc'd him along, 
 Hisconduft ftill right, with his argument wrong j 
 Still aiming at honour, yet fearing to roam. 
 The coachman was tipfy, the chariot drove home ! 
 Would yor alk for his merits— alas ! he had none. 
 What was good was fpantaneous, his faults were his own. 
 
 Here lies honell Richard, whofe fate I mull /igh at;> 
 Alas, that fuch frolick fhould now be fo quiet ! 
 What fpirits were his, what wit and uhat whim 
 (nj N(uw breaking a jelt, and now breaking a limb j 
 J^ow wrangling and grumbling to keep up the ball. 
 2^ow tearing and vexing, yet laughing at all i 
 In fhort, fo-provoking a devil was Dick, 
 That we wifh'd him full ten times a day at Old Nick, 
 But miffing liis mirth and agreeable vein, 
 J*is often we wifh'd to have Dick back again. 
 
 Here Cumberland lies, having acted his parts, 
 The Terence of England, the mender of hearts j 
 
 A 
 (tn) Mr. T. 'Toujnfendy member for H^hitcburcb. 
 (n) Mr. Richard Burke. This gentlem:in halving /lightly fracm. 
 fured one of bis arms and legs y at differ ent t'nieSy the Do^or bad 
 rallied him on thofe accidents as a kind of retributive jujiice ftr 
 breaking hisjejlsu^on other people. 
 
RETALIATION. 
 
 A flittering painrer, who made it his care 
 
 To dravr men as they ought to be, not as. they arc. 
 
 His gallants. are all faultlefs, his women divine. 
 
 And comedy wonders at being- fo fine ; 
 
 Like a tragedy queen he has dizzen'd her out. 
 
 Or rather like Tragedy skiving a rout. 
 
 His fools have their follies lo ioft in a crovd 
 
 Of virtues acd failings, that folly grows proud> 
 
 And coxcombs, alike in their feelings alone, 
 
 Adopting bis portraits, are pleasM with their own. 
 
 Say where has our poet tiiis malady caught, 
 
 Or wherefore hischaraders thus without fault ? 
 
 Say was it, that vainly directing his view. 
 
 To find out men's virtues, and finding them few_^ 
 
 Quite fick of purfning each troublefome elf. 
 
 He grew lazy at laftj and drew from hirafelf ? 
 
 Here Douglas retires from toils to relax, 
 The fccurge of impoftors, the terror of quackf", 
 Come all ye quack bards, and ye quacking divines, 
 Come and dance en the fpol wtiere your tyrant recline? 
 When Satire and Cenfure encircled his throne, 
 I fear'd for your fafety, I fear'$i for my own. 
 But now he is gone, and we want a deteftor, 
 Our Dodds fliall be pious, our Kenricks fijall leflurj 
 Macpherfon write bombaft, and call it a %Ie . 
 Our Townfend make fpecches and I fhall compile ; 
 New Lauders and Bowers the Tweed fiiall crofs over. 
 No countrymen living their tricks to difcover : 
 Detection her taper fhall quench to a fpark. 
 And Scotchman meet Scotchman^ and cheat in the dark. 
 
 Here lies David Garrick, de/cribe me who can. 
 An abridgment of all that was pleafant in man : 
 As an a(5tor, confefs'd without rival to fhine : 
 As a wit, if not firfi, in the very firft line. 
 Yet with talents like thefe, and an excellent heart. 
 The man had his failings, a dupe to his art : 
 tike an ill judging beauty, his colours he fprcad, 
 
 And 
 
 7 
 
 '* 
 
RETALIATION, 
 
 And beplaftered with rouge his own natural red. 
 
 On the ftage he was natural, fimple, afFefling, 
 
 'Twas only that when he was off, he was afling : 
 
 With no reafon on earth to go out of his way. 
 
 He turn'd and he varied full ten times a day : 
 
 Though fecure of our hearts, yet confoundedly ficKj 
 
 If they were not his own by finefiing and trick : 
 
 He caftoff his friends, as a huntfman his pack, 
 
 For he knew when he pleas'd he could whidle them bacft^ 
 
 ©f praife a mere glutton, he fwallow'd what|Canie, 
 
 And the puffof a dunce he miftook it for fame ; 
 
 Till the relifli grown callous, almoft to difeafe. 
 
 Who peppcr'd the higheft was fureft to pleafe. 
 
 But let us» be candid, and fpeak out our mind. 
 
 If dunces applauded, he paid them in kind. 
 
 Ye Kenricks, ye Kellys and Woodfalla fo gravff, 
 
 What a commerce was yours, while you got and you gave ? 
 
 How did Grubftreet re-echo the fhouts that you rais'd. 
 
 While he was be-Rofcius'd and you were beprai&'d. ? 
 
 But peace to his fplrit, wherever it flies, 
 
 To aift as an angel, and mix with the Ikies ; 
 
 Thofe poets, who owe their beft fame to his fkill, 
 
 Shall flill be his flatterers, go where he will ; 
 
 Old Shakefpear, receive him, with praife and with love, 
 
 And Beaumonts and Bens be his Kellys above. 
 
 Here Hickey reclines, a moft blunt pleafant creature, 
 And flanderitfelf muft allow him good nature ; 
 He cherifli*d his friend and he relifh'd a bumper ; 
 Yet one fault he h'd, and that one was a thumper, 
 Peiliaps you may aflc if the man was a mifer ? 
 I anfn-er, no, no, for he always was wifer. 
 Too courteous, perhaps, or- obligingly flat f 
 His very worft roe can't accufe him of that. 
 Perhaps he confided i.i men as they go. 
 And fo was too fooliflily honeft ? — Ah no I 
 Then what was his failing? come tell it, and burn ye-^ 
 He was, Could kehclp ii ? a fpcci^l attorney, 
 
 Here 
 
RETALIATION. 
 
 #4i?. 
 
 Here Reynolds is laid, and, to tell you my mind, 
 He has not left a wifer or better behi nd : 
 His pencil was flriking, refiftlefs and grand, ' 
 His manners were gentle, complying and bland ; 
 Still born to improve us in every part. 
 His pencil our faces, his manners our heart ; 
 To coxcombs averfe, yet mofl civilly fleering, 
 When ihey judg'd without fkill, he was ftili hard of hearing • 
 When they talk'd of their Raphaels, Correggios and fluff. 
 He fhifted his (o) trumpet, and only took fnufF. 
 
 {$) Sir Jo/fjua Reptolds is fo remarkably deaf as to be under 
 Ibt necefuy o/ufng an ear trumpet in compa*iy* 
 
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