PERKINS LIBRARY 
 
 Duke University 
 
 I^dre Books 
 
 The Gift of- 
 
 Date^ C rCMAAjJJUU 
 
 t 
 
 *fip/ 
 
MERRY TALES 
 
 OF THE 
 
 THREE WISE MEN OF GOTHAM. 
 
 EDITED BY THE AUTHOR Or 
 
 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 " Three Wisa Men of Gotham 
 " Went to Sea in a Bowl : 
 " If the Bowl had been stronger, 
 "My Talcs had been longer." 
 
 NEW-YORK: 
 G. & C. CARVILL, 10S BROADWAY 
 
 Sleight & Tucker, Printers, Jamaica. 
 
 1S26. 
 
A 
 
 SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW-YORK, SS. 
 Be it remembered, that on the twenty-eighth day of February, 
 A. D. KV26, in the fiftieth year of the Independence of the United 
 States of America, G. and C. Carvill of the said district, have 
 deposited in this office the title of a book, the right -whereof they 
 claim as proprietors, in the words following, to wit : 
 
 "The Merry Tales of the Three Wise Men of Gotham. 
 Edited by the Author of John Bull in America. 
 " Three Wise Men of Gotham 
 " Went to Sea in a Bowl : 
 " If the Bowl had been stronger, 
 " My Tales had been longer." 
 In conformity to the Act of Congress of the United Stales, 
 entitled, " An Act for the encouragement of learning, by secu- 
 ring the copies of maps, charts, and books, to the authors and 
 proprietors of such copies, during the times therein mentioned;" 
 and also, to an Act, entitled, " An Act, supplementary to an Act, 
 entitled an Act for the encouragement of learning, by securing the 
 copies of maps, charts, and books, to the authors and proprietors 
 of such copies, during the times therein mentioned, and extending 
 the benefits thereof to the arts of designing, engraving, and etch- 
 ing historical and other prints." 
 
 JAMES DILL, 
 Clerk of the Southern District of New-York. 
 
U\OP)P) 
 
 p 
 
 INTRODUCTORY DISSERT ATION 
 
 .Although most of the celebrated cities of anti- 
 quity have been described with such. accuracy, and 
 their situations pointed out with so much precision, 
 that there is little difficulty in at least making a 
 tolerable guess at their remains ; yet are there 
 two most remarkable exceptions. To this day no 
 one has succeeded in establishing beyond question 
 where Babylon once stood, and still less have the 
 most indefatigable inquiries even led to a reasonable 
 conjecture as to the site of the little less renowned 
 city of Gotham. No circumstance can furnish a 
 higher proof of the superiority of the works of the 
 head, over those of the hands, than that the fame of 
 these two great cities should have been preserved 
 in books long after every other certain vestige of 
 their existence, had perished from the face of the 
 earth. 
 
 History, sacred and profane, alone preserves the 
 remembrance of Babylon; and of Gotham, we 
 possess scarcely any other memorial than the im» 
 
 17' 2 142 
 
mortal lines, to be found in the title-page of this 
 work. And this example furnishes a striking prooi 
 of the importance of heroes, poets and philoso- 
 phers in cities and states. How many of these 
 have been utterly forgotten in the lapse of time, 
 merely for want of some great man to rescue 
 them from oblivion ! Flow many of the most insig- 
 nificant have, on the contrary, become renowned 
 solely in consequence of having been the birth- 
 place pr residence of some illustrious citizen ! 
 Who would ever have heard of Stagira, but for the 
 nativity of Aristotle? Who would have remember- 
 ed half the cities that contended for the honour of 
 being the birth-place of Homer, had it not been for 
 that illustrious rivalry ? who would not go ten miles 
 out of the way to avoid Arpinum, but for the glory 
 of Cicero ? And who, finally, would ever have 
 dreamed of the existence of such a city as Gotham, 
 had it not been for the unparalleled distinction of 
 having possessed three sages at one and the same 
 time, a circumstance which places her far above all 
 the cities of ancient Greece. They had their 
 single wise men ; and all that the force of ancient 
 genius seems to have been capable of, was to pro- 
 duce one of these at a time. In short, a thousand 
 proofs are extant to show that the memory of 
 illustrious men constitutes those everlasting links 
 which bind together the different ages and nation? 
 of the earth ; and that were it not for these indc- 
 
structable landmarks of time, we should scarcely 
 have any thing to remind us, that we have been 
 preceded by hundreds of generations. 
 
 These reflections may serve to place in a more 
 striking point of view the ingratitude of mankind. 
 in so often neglecting or persecuting those pro- 
 found sages and philosophers, who not only confer 
 upon them while living the most substantial bene- 
 fits, but carry the renown of their birth-place 
 to the latest posterity. The virtues, talents, and 
 glorious services, of illustrious men of every na- 
 tion, constitute their best inheritance, their most 
 rational source of pride and exultation, and it has 
 often happened that the renown of a people, like 
 that of the Thebans, began and ended with a single 
 man. Yet how often we find nations either entire- 
 ly indifferent to their best benefactors, or persecu- 
 ting them with all the barbarous rigors of religious, 
 political, or philosophical intolerance ! Not to 
 mention the numerous instances recorded of an- 
 cient times, we shall find, even in the most enlight- 
 ened ages, humanized by the mild and forgiving 
 precepts of Christianity, these examples if possible 
 still more numerous and flagrant. Galileo is a 
 hackneyed instance 5 but it is not so generally 
 known that Newton was charged by bigotry and 
 ignorance with holding opinions at war with or- 
 thodoxy, and Locke expelled from that reverend 
 bedlam, Oxford, by political intolerance. Amon^ 
 
 1* 
 
 72142 
 
{he most illustrious reformers, as well as the oaosl 
 enlightened of reasoners, Melancthon, Erasmus, 
 and even Theodore Beza, were suspected and de- 
 nounced, because they did not keep pace with the 
 rampant zealots of the times, who would willingly 
 have warmed them at the stake. In short, it 
 would seem to be among the inflexible dispensa- 
 tions of Providence, that no selfish motive should 
 ever operate upon the great benefactors of man- 
 kind, in their glorious endeavours, since all they 
 can rationally anticipate as their reward in this 
 world, is to pass their lives amid persecutions and 
 slanders, among a race of ungrateful beings, who 
 never become sensible of their ingratitude or their 
 obligations, till it is too late to make reparation. 
 
 Owing to this waywardness of mankind it has 
 happened, that now when a disposition prevails to 
 do justice to the illustrious dead, and for want of a 
 sufficient number of distinguished persons to employ 
 the pens of the innumerable biographers that stand 
 ready, pen in hand, to strip the dead before they are 
 cold, and lay their foibles open to the world, they 
 are fain to bestow their labours on persons whose 
 greatest merit is their insignificance. — Owing to 
 this, I say, it has happened that not only the pre- 
 cise place occupied by the famous city of Gotham, 
 but likewise the eera in which her three sages 
 flourished, cannot now be ascertained. All that 
 can be done is to grope in the obscurity of vague 
 
conjecture, and then leave the matter more obscure 
 than before. It may be, however, worth while to 
 pass in review the different opinions heretofore ad- 
 vanced upon this important point. 
 
 Some will have it, that Gotham was the ancient 
 capital of the Goths, of whom, we thank our stars, 
 king Roderick was the last, according to Mr. 
 Southey. At any rate we hope it will be the last 
 of the laureate's epics. Others, on the contrary, 
 have maintained with great ;:eal that Gotham is a 
 corruption of Gotha, the seat of a northern univer- 
 sity, where they philosophise pretty deeply, and 
 study metaphvsics. A third class of inquirers af- 
 firm, that such a city never existed, because they 
 have not been able to find any traces of its exist- 
 ence, which in our opinion is the poorest reason in 
 the world. The four lines of our title-page, furnish 
 better proof of its existence than all the fragments 
 of Carthage, or stately ruins of Thebes and Palmyra. 
 Antiquaries ought to blush for such frivolous doubts ! 
 They are utterly unworthy of the strong faith which 
 should ever animate this class of explorers. 
 
 Among the vast variety of opinions upon this 
 point, that which identifies Gotham with the fa- 
 mous city of Gottingen, which is the seat of a uni- 
 versity, founded by the renowned Baron Munchau- 
 sen, is not the least plausible at first sight. There 
 are numerous examples not only of cities but of 
 empires, whose names, being ill adapted to poetry. 
 
8 
 
 have been changed into others more musical and 
 harmonious. In short, almost all countries have a 
 prosaical and a poetical name — Gallia, Iberia, Au- 
 sonia, Hesperia, Albion, Hibernia, Columbia, and a 
 hundred others, will at once occur to the general 
 reader. It will readily be conceded by all unpre- 
 judiced persons, that Gottingen, is neither sono- 
 rous, musical or poetical, and therefore without any 
 great violation of probability, we may suppose a 
 poet of a delicate ear would soften it down to Go- 
 tham, a name wonderfully adapted to poetry. But 
 there is a still stronger presumption in favour of this 
 opinion. At Gottingen, as we are credibly inform- 
 ed, the professors actually adventure upon animal 
 magnetism, phrenology and such dangerous sciences, 
 which would seem to justify a shrewd suspicion, 
 they would not be a whit too good to venture out 
 to sea in a large bowl, well ballasted with punch, 
 such as whilom used to be placed upon the smoking 
 board of a jolly New Netherlander, by four stout 
 menials on new year's eve, ere the dire irruption of 
 liqueurs, and other outlandish poisons. Nor would 
 this adventure have appeared so rash as might seem 
 at first sight, since we have been assured by a per- 
 son of great experience in nautical affairs and 
 punch drinking, that there is a natural antipathy 
 between salt water and punch, insomuch that being 
 once half seas over, he fell into the ocean with a 
 bowl of punch in his hands, and floated several 
 
9 
 
 hours, quietly sipping, until he was taken up again ; 
 not a single drop of sea water had polluted his le- 
 verage all this while. He declares a punchbowl 
 is far preferable to a life boat, and a skin well 
 lined with punch, a thousand times superior to a 
 cork jacket. These facts arc sufficient to put to 
 the blush, all those who conceive it any imputation 
 upon our Three Wise Men, that they should ven- 
 lure to sea in a bowl. 
 
 But there is one opinion put forth by certain 
 English writers, who, if they could bring it about, 
 would not leave the rest of the world a single phi- 
 losopher, which we are inclined to treat with infi- 
 nite contempt. We mean the absurd notion, that 
 Gotham is actually a town in Northamptonshire, 
 or rather a rotten borough, which, although 
 entirely destitute of inhabitants, returns three 
 members, who are generally called the Wise Men 
 of Gotham, because they instinctively vote with 
 the ministry, agreeably to the instructions of their 
 constituents. It is said that this place was re- 
 markable for goats in the time of William the con- 
 queror, and that the people used to ride them, 
 instead of horses, which, in the opinion of some, 
 gave rise to their being called the Wise Men, or 
 according to the opinions of others, the Mad Men 
 of Gotham. A great Oxford antiquary, of whom 
 it has been said that he remembered whatever 
 others forgot, and forgot whatever other people 
 
10 
 
 remembered, speaks of the " Merry Tales of the 
 Mad Men of Gotham," a work in great repute 
 in his time, when the kindest name given to a phi- 
 losopher, was that of madman, a phrase which oft- 
 en saved him from the stake or the block. This 
 work was long supposed to be extinct, but at length 
 came to light, not long since, at Mr. Bindley's sale, 
 and was bought by a young American traveller for 
 a trifle, owing to the deplorable ignorance of two 
 munificent noblemen, who little suspected that it 
 was the only copy in the known world, and for that 
 reason considered it as worth nothing. 
 
 It is this work which is now presented to the 
 reader, divested of its antique garb, that it may be 
 more extensively circulated and understood, and 
 restored to its genuine title of the " Merry Tales of 
 the Three Wise Men of Gotham." It was thought 
 inhuman to hoard up the treasure, and keep all this 
 huge bundle of knowledge to ourselves, after the 
 manner of certain great lovers of literature, who 
 think a book is like a mistress, of no value if her 
 beauties are enjoyed by another. But to return to 
 our subject. 
 
 Though we have adopted the work as genuine, 
 we are by no means inclined to humour the English 
 writers ia their claim to this illustrious city. They 
 are welcome to London and Liverpool, and even to 
 Oxford and Cambridge, with all our heart. But as 
 to the renowned city of Gotham, we will not yield 
 
11 
 
 a single hair of its head to England or any other 
 country. We are willing to let the matter rest as 
 it is, so that every nation may have an equal claim, 
 but our disinterestedness will go no farther. All we 
 will concede is, that Gotham, like some illustrious 
 philosophers and benefactors of the human race, is 
 a city belonging to the whole civilized world. The 
 emporium of the arts, the head-quarters of philo- 
 sophy, and the illustrious scat of the perfection of 
 reason. Whether in the new or the old world, is 
 of little consequence, since such is its glory and 
 renown, that there is quite enough of it to satisfy 
 half a dozen worlds. Leaving this part of our 
 inquiry to take care of itself, we will proceed to 
 discuss other equally important matters. 
 
 It cannot be sufficiently lamented by those who 
 rightly consider the forgetting of any thing a great 
 misfortune, whether it was worth remembering or 
 not, thatsuchaculpablecarelessness and indifference 
 prevailed in early times in respect of the little pe- 
 culiarities and private particulars which no doubt 
 distinguished the great men of those days. It is 
 melancholy to think how much we read, and how 
 little we know of, the great writers of antiquity. 
 The race of pains-taking biographers, who in the pre- 
 sent age so amply furnish all these interesting par- 
 ticulars, was unknown at that time, at least none of 
 their works have come down to us. It is owing in 
 a great measure to this circumstance, that the great 
 
12 
 
 men of antiquity preserve a sort ot' prescriptive su- 
 periority over the moderns ; not that they were re- 
 ally wiser or more virtuous, or brave, but because 
 there were no prying, curious, industrious, pains- 
 taking persons, who noted their foibles, set down 
 their folly for wisdom, and made use of the intimacy 
 they had obtained by cringing sycophancy, to fur- 
 nish themselves with materials to shame them with 
 posterity. 
 
 Thus it is that the ancients tower above the mo- 
 derns, because of the former we know scarcely any 
 thing but what is great, and the greatness of the lat- 
 ter is overshadowed by littlenesses. Their virtues 
 and vices, their wisdom and folly, their magnanimi- 
 ty and meanness, their strength and their weakness, 
 are so mixed up, and withal so impartially dwelt 
 upon by the faithful biographer, that we approach 
 the most illustrious sage with the familiarity of a 
 pert valet, by long service become acquainted with 
 all the foibles and secrets of his master. We be- 
 come as it were quite relieved from that sense of 
 degrading inferiority inspired by the naked simpli- 
 city of ancient virtue, as handed down to us by 
 writers so neglectful of their duty, as one half the 
 time to forget whether their heroes had in reality 
 any vices to bring them down to the level of hu- 
 manity. * 
 
 Still more is it to be regretted that the noble am- 
 bition of collecting those works which derive their 
 
L3 
 
 peculiar value from having been long since forgot- 
 ten, did not originate somewhat earlier, and before 
 so many valuable relics, so much invaluable infor- 
 mation, had been irretrievably lost. Follies and 
 weaknesses that might have been dignified by the 
 examples of illustrious men, are become degraded 
 by being supposed to appertain exclusively to the 
 vulgar; and the mousing gossipl of literature cheat- 
 ed of all chance of pulling to pieces the character of 
 an ancient worthy. 
 
 This blameable neglect in recording the little- 
 nesses and preserving memorials of the vices of 
 great persons, can perhaps best be accounted for 
 and excused, on the supposition that a great portion 
 of the now illustrious sages of antiquity had not 
 their merits brought to light until long after they 
 were dead, when the only memorials of their 
 having once existed, were their immortal works. 
 Conquerors, heroes, and fashionable bards, receive 
 the admiration of their cotemporaries, and reap 
 their harvest while living ; but sages and virtuous 
 men must, for the most part, content themselves 
 with being venerated in their ashes, and rewarded 
 in a future world. The difference between the 
 mere vulgar idol of a fashionable mob, and the re- 
 tired votary of wisdom, genius, and virtue, is, that 
 the one is remembered while living and forgot when 
 dead, while the other emerges to light and immor- 
 tality at the moment he ceases to live. It is then 
 
.14 
 
 that the literary "resurrection men," for the fil 
 time, discover that he is worth disinterring, and 
 that they set about disturbing his ashes, and raking 
 up, with pious industry, the memory of all those 
 little, frivolous, and impertinent particulars, the 
 knowledge of which answers little other purpose 
 but that of adding to our contempt for poor human 
 nature. Thus it is^that the longer the time which 
 elapses after the death of great men, before man- 
 kind discover they were really great, the more 
 fortunate for their lasting reputation. They revive 
 with greater lustre, when all the little clouds and 
 shadows which dimmed their glories are passed 
 away, and appear in the imperishable brightness 
 of their own immortal productions. Of Homer, 
 Shakspeare, and the few names that occupy the 
 summit of the temple of Fame, how little do we 
 know ; while every body knows all about the lesser 
 lights, that will twinkle for a little while in the 
 darkness which surrounds them, and then go out 
 for ever. The "Great Unknown," has, we 
 are credibly informed, not less than six industrious 
 " resurrection men," watching day and night only 
 for the breath to be fairly out of his body, to make 
 an example of him. Nay, so impatient are they 
 for his decease, that it is currently rumoured on this 
 side the water, they have it in serious contempla- 
 tion to make away with him the first convenient 
 opportunity, in their apprehension that he will 
 
15 
 
 cheat them of his biography, by unluckily outliving 
 ihem all. We earnestly advise him not to go out at 
 night,- nor wander in solitary places ; or at least, if 
 he will, to wear a coat of mail, and take every rea- 
 sonable precaution. It would be twice unfortunate, 
 to be first made away with, in cold blood, and after- 
 ward murdered in a biography. The best way, we 
 think, and we advise him to it forthwith, will be to 
 write his own life, after the manner of certain per- 
 secuted worthies, who, in order to disappoint the 
 mob of a public spectacle, fairly hang themselves 
 up the night before execution. Be this as it may, 
 it is, without doubt, owing in a great measure to 
 the fact, that our Three Wise Men were of the 
 class of the immortals who live only in after ages, 
 that their fame has lain thus long, as it were in 
 abeyance, while so many insignificant persons have 
 been handed down with honour, not indeed from 
 generation to generation, but from the reviewer to 
 the magazines, and from the magazines to the 
 newspapers. 
 
 A still greater uncertainty, obtains in respect 
 to the precise aera in which our sages flour- 
 ished, than exists in relation to the place of 
 their nativity. In the original Black Letter copy, 
 neither the date of the publication, nor the name of 
 the printer, are preserved, so that we are left en- 
 tirely in the dark, as to these interesting particu- 
 lars. Neither can any thing decisive be inferred, 
 
16 
 
 from the nature of the topics discussed, or the 
 events alluded to, in the course of the work, since 
 nothing is more certain than that the opinions as 
 well as the events of the world, like the world it- 
 self, are perpetually moving in a circle. Revolv- 
 ing years, as they bring about a return of the same 
 seasons, and the same fashions in dress, reproduce 
 at the same time similar errors of the vulgar, and 
 absurdities of the wise. Old errors are pretty sure 
 to return, after having been absent long enough to 
 be forgotten, under a new name, and with a new 
 face. They are like spaniels ; we cannot beat them 
 from us. Thus it is, in like manner, with the theo- 
 ries and inventions which are daily passed upon us 
 for original, but which fbr the most part, will be 
 found to be nothing more than revivals of old and 
 exploded fashions, which the world had wore till it 
 was tired, and then thrown by among the lumber of 
 antiquity, for some new rattle, that had its day, and 
 then followed its predecessor, quietly into a tem- 
 porary oblivion. To argue then that the following 
 work is modern, because it treats of topics fashion- 
 able at the present day, is in effect to deny, what is 
 certainly true, that one age is a mere edition of 
 another, with some alterations, but the contents 
 substantially the same. It tickles human vanity, to 
 tell us, that we are wiser than our fathers ; and it 
 is one of those propositions, which is likely to pass 
 without contradiction, from the circumstance that 
 
17 
 
 all those most interested in denying it, are dead and 
 gone. But if the grave could speak, and the 
 churchyards vote upon the question, we living 
 boasters would be in a most pitiful minority. That 
 the knowledge of mankind is not always progressive, 
 and one age inevitably wiser than another, is ex- 
 emplified most miserably in the history of the 
 world. It is only to cast our eyes towards the 
 country of Homer, of Aristotle, and of Socrates, to 
 behold millions of living testimonies to prove that 
 the mind of man, like the crab, moves backwards 
 and forwards with equal facility, and that ages of 
 knowledge seem naturally succeeded by ages of 
 ignorance. Man cannot do or know every thing 
 at once ; and it is not altogether improbable, that in 
 proportion as a succeeding age adds to the know- 
 ledge of a preceding one, it makes way for it, by 
 displacing something equally important. Men may 
 forget as well as learn ; and, without doubt, many, 
 very many, wise and virtuous habits and practices 
 have been from time to time elbowed out of the 
 world, to make room for outlandish and pestilent 
 novelties. He, therefore, who should take upon 
 him, to pronounce this work a production of the 
 present age, merely on the authority of the topics 
 it discusses, would very probably decide that the 
 elderly gentlemen about town are all young, be- 
 cause some of them dress like dandies, dance cotil- 
 lions, and aspire to the possession of youthful belles. 
 
18 
 
 Some may suppose that the names of the Three 
 Wise Men, might possibly lead to detection. But 
 we feel bound in candour to confess that these are 
 of our own invention. Such is the innate modesty 
 of true wisdom, that not one of this illustrious trio 
 ever took occasion to disclose his name to any liv- 
 ing person, so far as we have been able to discover. 
 Certain it is, that if they did, the author or compiler, 
 whose name is equally unknown, has either wilfully 
 or ignorantly omitted it through the whole course 
 of the work, leaving blanks, which we thought pro- 
 per to rill up to the best of our judgment, as the 
 frequent omissions had an unpleasant effect on the 
 eye of the reader. 
 
 The circumstance of their going to sea in a bowl, 
 we are rather inclined to consider as allegorical : 
 or perhaps it may be a poetic licence. At all 
 events, whether it be so or not, it indicates in the 
 most striking manner, the opinion entertained by 
 the poet, of their daring intrepidity in thus ventur- 
 ing out upon the most unstable of all elements, in so 
 frail a barque. It shows a contempt of danger, 
 when encountered in search of knowledge, far 
 above that of Belzoni, Parke, Hornman, or any 
 martyr to Egyptian mummies, incognita African 
 rivers, or northwest passages. A love of know- 
 ledge, so elevated above all fear of consequences, 
 places them on a level with that distinguished 
 phrenologist of Edinburgh, who is reported to have 
 
19 
 
 knocked out his own brains, for the purpose of de- 
 monstrating the truth of his favourite science. 
 
 Having now, as we presume to flatter ourselves, 
 sufficiently established to the satisfaction of the 
 reader the three points we set out to prove, to wit. 
 that neither the birth-place, the SBra, or the names of 
 the Three Wise Men of Gotham, can now ever be 
 known, we shall put an end to our inquiry. Before 
 we conclude, however, we will take occasion to 
 state, that the engraving in the title-page, is an 
 exact copy of the frontispiece to the Black 
 Letter copy. Should any doubt the existence of 
 the original, we refer them to our publisher, for 
 further satisfaction. 
 
 It may be proper to add that there is neither in- 
 troduction nor preface to the originals of these Tales : 
 no explanation of the particular circumstances 
 which brought our Three Wise Men together ; nor 
 of the occasion, which prompted them to relate their 
 stories to each other. We may reasonably, how- 
 ever, suppose that it was done to while away the 
 tedium of a long voyage 5 and that upon some placid 
 summer morning, while the wave was calm, the 
 sky serene, the sea-birds skimming over head, and 
 the dolphins playing beside them, the Man Machine, 
 being politely requested by his companions, began, 
 as will be seen in the following pages. 
 
 New Amsterdam, February, 1826. 
 
THE MAN MACHINE 
 
 THE PUPIL OF "CIHCU3ISTANCE.S." 
 
 I was borfi, began the first Wise Man of Gotham, 
 in a country that I consider unworthy of my na- 
 tivity, and for that reason I shall do all in my 
 power to deprive it of the honour, by not men- 
 tioning its name. I am, moreover, descended from 
 a family,' which must necessarily be of great an- 
 tiquity, since, like all old things, it has long since 
 fallen into decay. My father had little or no mo- 
 ney, but was blessed with the poor man's wealth, 
 a fruitful wife and great store of children. Of 
 these I am the eldest; but at the period I shall 
 commence my story, we were all too young to 
 take care of ourselves, until the fortunate disco- 
 very was made by some great philanthropist, that 
 little children, of six or seven years old, could 
 labour a dozen or fourteen hours a day without, 
 stinting their minds, ruining their health, or de- 
 stroying their morals. This improvement in the 
 great science of proih'ctia'f, labour, delighted my 
 
father — it was shifting the onus, as the lawyers 
 say, from his own shoulders to that of his chil- 
 dren. He forthwith bound us all over to a cot- 
 i-y v where we stood upon our legs 
 three times as long as a member of congress, thai 
 is to say, fourteen hours a day, and among eight 
 of us, managed to earn a guinea a week. The 
 old gentleman, for gentleman he became from the 
 moment he discovered his little flock could main- 
 tain him — thought he had opened a mine. He 
 left off working, and took to drinking and studying 
 the mysteries of political economy and produc- 
 tive labour. He soon became an adept in this 
 glorious science, and at length arrived at the hap- 
 pj nclusion, that the whole moral, physical, po- 
 litical and religious organization of society, re- 
 solved itself into making the most of human labour, 
 just as we do of that of our horses, oxen, asses 
 and other beasts of burthen. 
 
 I was nine years old when 1 went into bond- 
 age, and had previously learned to read and write 
 pretty fluently ; for in my country there are few 
 «o poor that they cannot obtain these advantages. 
 It was lucky for me, for I never learned any 
 thing afterwards but the art of adding to the 
 amount of productive labour. I continued in this 
 happy asylum of infant innocence till I was thir- 
 teen years old. I say happy, according to the 
 glorious science of productive labour. It is true- 
 
22 
 
 we had little to eat, but as we had but little time 
 to eat it in, it was of little consequence whethei 
 we had plenty to eat or not. The short space 
 allowed us for eating had another great advan- 
 tage, as the superintendent assured us. By swal- 
 lowing without chewing, our food was longer in 
 digesting, and of course administered more to our 
 nourishment. He instanced the snakes, who al- 
 ways swaliowed their prey whole — and the wisdom 
 of serpents was proverbial. Food and time were 
 precious things, and people ought to make the 
 most of them. It was also a maxim with him 
 that too much liberty or leisure, was quite as bad 
 as too much food and too much time to eat it 
 in. It made people radicals and .unbelievers. 
 Thus he clearly proved that the little we had to 
 eat, and the little time to cat it, was highly be- 
 neficial. 
 
 To enforce j.his salutary doctrine, there was a 
 system of fines, which for a long while made a 
 great hole in our pockets. Our moments were 
 all numbered — there was a fine for every moment 
 we exceeded the limited time of meals — a fine 
 for every moment we went beyond the specified 
 time allowed for all the ordinary operations of 
 nature — a fine for looking out at a window — a 
 fine for opening a window, although we might be 
 suffocating in an atmosphere of cotton exhalations, 
 heated like an oven — a fine for sneezing, lest we 
 
24 
 
 should blow away -some of the particles of cot- 
 ton, and thus diminish the amount of productive 
 labour. There was a fine for nodding over a 
 spinning jenney, when .the poor souls, worn out 
 with the endless monotonous toils of the day, in- 
 voluntarily sought refuge in a momentary forget- 
 fulness. In short, we were chained and enslaved 
 by a system of petty fines and exactions, which, in 
 addition to the certainty of being punished on Sa- 
 turday night, when we brought home our dimi- 
 nished earnings, soon made us as docile as the 
 galley slave at his oar. We had neither time to 
 learn, nor inclination to play, for the short inter- 
 mission of ou,r labours'was passed in dozing. We 
 became stupified in mind, and the functions of 
 our bodies gradually obeyed the impulses of the 
 engine, which gave life and motion to the ma- 
 chinery. By the time I had been there three 
 years, I became sensible that my soul had trans- 
 migrated into a spinning jenney, and that I had 
 actually become a piece of machinery. 
 
 But the happy discovery that even little chil- 
 dren of six or seven years old .could add to the 
 amount of productive labour, instead of wickedly 
 eating and being merry at school or at play, was 
 fated to be improved upon, likctevcry thing else 
 in this most improving age. Some persons of ra- 
 ther morbid sensibility, began to surmise that this 
 mode of calling out the productive labour of little 
 
Jo 
 
 children of six or seven years old, was not alto- 
 gether either humane or politic. It was dis- 
 covered in the course of inquiry, that this seclu- 
 sion from air, exercise, instruction and amusement, 
 together with the total absence of all variety in 
 the routine of their existence, each so essential 
 to the welfare and happiness of children, was 
 highly pernicious to their health, their morals and 
 (heir minds. Though it might add to the great 
 mass of productive labour, it was equally certain 
 that it also added to productive vice and igno- 
 rance. Various plans were accordingly suggested 
 from time to time, for combining perpetual con- 
 finement and labour, with the necessary freedom, 
 instruction and amusement ; and for arresting the 
 progress of moral and physical degeneracy, without 
 infringing upon the paramount claims of produc- 
 tive labour — the grand and only desideratum of 
 the social compact. 
 
 It was in pursuance of this great object that a 
 celebrated philosopher, or philanthropist, I hardly 
 know which, fortunately conceived a plan by 
 which these desirable effects might not only be 
 produced, but combined with an entire new state 
 of society, which would remove all temptation 
 to crime, and consequently all necessity for pun- 
 ishment. Accordingly he lost no time in estab 
 lishing in our neighbourhood a manufactory- 
 3 
 
26 
 
 the spinning of cotton and the perfectibility of 
 man. 
 
 My father was quite taken with this improve- 
 ment in the glorious science of productive labour, 
 which he considered would be killing two birds 
 with one stone ; and for my part I was quite will- 
 ing to go just whither he pleased. I had lost 
 all habit of thinking or acting for myself, and 
 being pretty well assured that I could not be 
 much worse off, felt perfectly resigned to go any 
 where else, than where I was. I never envied 
 any tiling that I recollect, but a little bird that 
 had made its nest within view of the window 
 where I worked, and whose merry notes and 
 wayward liberty, sometimes brought the tears into 
 my eyes, without my knowing what was the mat- 
 ter with me. The superintendent caught me at 
 it one day, and fined me for losing time in wiping 
 them away with my sleeve. I accordingly joined 
 the new establishment with as little anxiety or 
 anticipation as the blind man changes his pros- 
 pect. 
 
 When about five hundred men, women and 
 little children were got together, our master, the 
 manufacturing philosopher, made us a speech, in 
 which he proceeded to lay down his first prin- 
 ciples. I think I remember almost his very words, 
 for they made a great impression at the time, 
 and he often repeated them afterwards. My 
 
27 
 
 memory being the only faculty I ever had occa- 
 sion to exercise during the early part of my life, 
 has likewise become very retentive. 
 
 " 1 consider," said he, " the people employed in 
 my establishment as a part of the machinery, the 
 whole of which it is my duty and interest to com- 
 bine, so that every hand, as well as every spring, 
 lever and wheel, shall effectually co-operate to 
 produce the greatest pecuniary gain to the proprie- 
 tors, which is what I understand by the perfectibility 
 of the Man Machine.* 
 
 " You are well aware of the advantages of having 
 good substantial machinery, and the necessity of 
 keeping it clean, well arranged and in a high state 
 of repair ; and that if it is allowed to get dirty, and 
 out of order, it produces unnecessary friction, and 
 consequently will not perform the same quantity oj 
 work. If then a want of due care as to the state oi 
 your inanimate machines, produces such mischie- 
 vous results, what may not be expected when the 
 man machine is suffered to get out of order by 
 neglect ? 
 
 * There is such a remarkable coincidence between this and 
 the following positions, and those advanced in " A New View of 
 Society," lately published, that we cannot help suspecting the au- 
 thor of the latter of having had a peep into the Wise Men of 
 Gotham. 
 
2S 
 
 "' H hen you shall acquire a right knowledge of 
 these machines, their curious mechanism — their 
 self-adjusting power — when the proper main spring 
 shall be applied to their various movements, you 
 will become conscious of their real value, and you 
 will be readily induced to turn your thoughts mor< 
 frequently from your inanimate to your living ma- 
 chines ; you will discover that the latter may be- 
 easily trained and directed to procure a large in- 
 crease of pecuniary gain, while you may also 
 derive from them high and substantial gratification. 
 
 "Now the main springs, or first principles, which 
 1 would apply to the regulation of these Men Ma- 
 chines, are equally obvious and simple. In the 
 first place, I am fully satisfied that children are 
 merely compounded of corporeal machinery ; and 
 that, as you may equally apply the powers of a 
 steam engine to the manufactory of cotton or the 
 destruction of mankind, so you may with equal 
 ease direct the machinery of man to good or evil 
 purposes. In the one case, it is done by regulating 
 the operation of the steam engine by certain rules 
 of science and experience, in the other by example 
 and education. Unhappily, however, the talents 
 and ingenuity of men, have lately been too much 
 turned to the object of improving inanimate ma- 
 chinery, forgetting, it would seem, that the labour of 
 the Man Machine may, by proper regulation, be so 
 regulated and arranged that one man may be able to 
 Jo the work of twenty. 
 
29 
 
 "Not only this, but I will venture to aVser^ with- 
 out fear of contradiction, that as you may improve 
 the Man Machine so as to make it doubly opera- 
 tive in adding to the mass of productive labour ; so 
 may you in like manner give it, at the same time, any 
 character you please, by means which are at the 
 command of all those who influence the affairs of 
 the world and take a proper advantage of circum- 
 tances. / also assert, that a community may be 
 so trained, as to live zvithout idleness, ivithout po- 
 verty, without crime and without punishment, by the 
 mere application of circumstances.* 
 
 " I assert, in the second place, that the will of 
 man has no power over his opinions, and therefore 
 it is absurd to make him accountable for errors 
 which originate entirely in a defective system of 
 education, over which he has no control what- 
 ever, at the period in which he receives all his im- 
 pressions. In fact, my dearly beloved machines, it 
 is susceptible of demonstration, that from the crea- 
 tion of the world to the present time, all men have 
 been erroneously trained, and hence all the inconsis- 
 tencies and misery of this world.* Hence, it arises 
 that generation after generation have been taught 
 crime from their infancy, and when so taught, 
 
 * The author of the New View of Society, has apparently 
 borrowed these sentiments.— Ed. 
 
 3 
 
 ft 
 
30 
 
 hunted like beasts of the forest, until they are 
 entangled beyond escape in the toils and nets of the 
 law. All this would have been avoided had cir- 
 cumstances been altered. The judge would have 
 been at the bar, and the criminal on the bench. 
 
 " From these undeniable facts, it results that as 
 the human machine cannot be accountable in the eye 
 of reason for opinions originating in an erroneous 
 system of education over which it has no control. 
 so neither can it be legally or morally accountable 
 for its actions so far as they are influenced by those 
 opinions. To punish the Man Machine for these 
 by fine, imprisonment or death, is therefore about 
 as rational and just, as to punish a spinning jenney 
 for going wrong, after being constructed on wrong 
 principles. Indeed nothing can be more absurd or 
 barbarous than the whole system of punishments. 
 Punishment, I will venture to assert, never has, nor 
 ever can have any effect to prevent the commis- 
 sion of crime, as is proved by the daily commission 
 of crimes, notwithstanding these punishments. 
 
 " Punishment does not entirely prevent the 
 commission of crimes ; therefore it does not prevent 
 them at all ; therefore it is absurd, inexpedient, and 
 cruel. Experience therefore has settled the ques- 
 tion. But even if this were not the case, analogy 
 would be decisive on the subject. It is the opinion 
 of some of the best philosophers, that mankind 
 originally derived all their knowledge and a great 
 
31 
 
 portion of their virtues from the example of the 
 beasts of the field ; and certainly this is a much 
 better foundation, than the erroneous system of 
 education which has been pursued for the last six 
 thousand years, and which by gradually substituting 
 the precepts of blockheads, for the examples of 
 nature, hath brought ruin upon a thousand genera- 
 tions. Look round then upon all nature, and see 
 what her unsophisticated votaries practice. Is the 
 eagle punished by the rest of his tribe for robbing 
 the fish-hawk of the prey he has attained by long 
 and laborious watchfulness ? Is the rat or the 
 weasel clapt up in his hole, for the better part of 
 his life, by a jury of rats or weasels, for making 
 inroads upon a cheese, or robbing a hen-roost that 
 did not belong to him ? Is the tyger hung in chains 
 by his self-styled rulers, for tearing a lamb to pieces '! 
 Or is the lordly lion shut out from the light of 
 heaven, and fed on bred and water, because he 
 follows the instinct of nature in hunting down and 
 devouring the weaker annimals ? No, my dear 
 Men Machines, the wise animals of the forest, are 
 too reasonable to punish their fellows, for doing 
 what nature, habit, example, and education have 
 made it impossible they should not do. 
 
 " Extend the analogy through all creation, and 
 you will find man alone arrogating to himself the 
 prerogative of punishing his fellow creatures, for 
 the absurd purpose of preventing crime. And 
 
32 
 
 what has been the consequence? Beyond doubt, 
 mankind are absolutely allured into the commission 
 of crimes, by the very terror of punishment, in the 
 same manner, that birds are inevitably drawn into 
 the jaws of the serpent, from the actual fascination 
 of terror. 
 
 " Besides this, it is demonstrable, that criminal 
 laws, instead of preventing, create crime, by mak- 
 ing that criminal which was before innocent. 1 
 recollect hearing an observation made by an inno- 
 cent man, who had been forced into the commis- 
 sion of murder, by the erroneous system of educa- 
 tion pursued for the last six thousand years, which 
 made a great impression upon me, and gave the 
 first hint of my New View of Society.* 'Alas!" 1 
 said the unfortunate, or as the vulgar say, guilty 
 man — 'alas! what an unlucky being am I. If 
 society had not thought proper to punish murder, I 
 might have passed for an innocent man.' By fol- 
 lowing this train of reasoning we shall find that 
 the sole use of criminal law is to create criminals, 
 who are only so because the law capriciously in- 
 flicts punishments upon certain acts which would 
 otherwise be perfectly innocent. 
 
 " The error of these wise lawgivers, is in 
 mistaking the real object and end of all laws. 
 
 Another singular coincidence ! — Ed. 
 
They have been pleased to suppose, that laws are 
 intended as restraints upon the extravagant im- 
 pulses of the passions, those phantoms which like 
 all other phantoms had their origin in the ignorance 
 and bigotry of mankind, and which I have alto- 
 gether excluded from my New View of Society. 
 Now if religion and morality cannot prevent men 
 from committing crimes, what is the use of religion 
 and morality, or what is the use of laws to prop 
 up such a patchwork system ? If one cannot 
 answer the end, all three together cannot do it. If 
 religious and moral impressions connot restrain 
 mankind from the commission of crime, then the 
 laws will not do it. If the stings of conscience, and 
 the fear of eternal punishment is insufficient ; then 
 the fear of temporal punishment must be equally 
 so — therefore law and religion are entirely useless 
 in the world, and therefore I have banished them 
 entirely from my New View of Society. In fine, 
 my dear young pupils, be assured that crimes will 
 never cease in this world, till all punishments are 
 abolished, and mankind taught virtue by means 
 of an inveterate habit; by certain fixed and inflexi- 
 ble rules, inherent as it were in the Man Machine, 
 like the laws of motion which govern the spinning 
 jenney, and from which it cannot depart, without 
 a dissolution of its parts, equivalent to the cessa- 
 tion of motion called death, in the Man Machine. 
 
34 
 
 : " Yes, my dear pupils, nothing is wanting to re- 
 strain these crying evils, and repair as far as possible 
 the miseries inflicted on the Man Machine for the 
 last six thousand years, by an absurd and erroneous 
 system of education, than an habitual, invariable, and 
 inflexible adherence to the sublime maxim, that 
 self-love properly understood and uniformly prac- 
 tised, is the basis of all virtue, as well as happiness, 
 in the social state.* Instead of burthening you 
 with abstract principles of right and wrong, which 
 have no other effect than to confound all distinc- 
 tions between virtue and vice, 1 shall merely ad- 
 vise you, whenever you have any doubt on the sub- 
 ject to consult your self-love, that is to say, in 
 other words, inquire what course will best conduce 
 to your own individual happiness, and depend upon 
 it, that will point unerringly to the happiness of 
 society. 1 will now dismiss you, the elder to the 
 instructive lessons of the steam engine and the spin- 
 ning jenney ; the younger to the play ground, where 
 they will be taught all the duties of self-love, at 
 leap-frog and jackstones. Take notice, however, 
 1 prohibit you all from playing at push-pin, a game 
 which, by giving rise to mischievous ideas of indi- 
 vidual property, may justly be denominated the 
 root of all evil." 
 
 * Here, again, the author of the "New View" has borrowcl 
 from the Wise Men. — Ed. 
 
on 
 
 Unfortunately *I was too old to be permitted to 
 learn all my social duties in the play ground, so I was 
 dismissed to the spinning jenney for a lesson. Here 
 as before, I worked so many hours in the day for 
 the benefit of productive labour, and the honour of 
 the New View of Society, that I had little leisure, 
 and less inclination, to trouble myself with nice dis- 
 tinctions between the social and moral duties. 
 Indeed, 1 considered them as of little consequence 
 to the perfection of the Man Machine, recollecting 
 that nothing but self-love, properly regulated, was 
 necessary to the most perfect virtue and happiness. 
 Now I had as much self-love as most people, and 
 as my master had laid it down as the so very excel- 
 lent a thing, I thought as a matter of course, the 
 more I had, and the more I indulged it, the better 
 for myself and the world. I soon found, however, 
 there was little or no room for cultivating and 
 indulging this excellent fundamental principle of 
 happiness. I had a natural inclination for good 
 eating, and my self-love was always particularly 
 gratified, by playing with children somewhat 
 smaller than myself, over whom I could exercise a 
 reasonable degree of influence and authority. 
 This propensity to ambition, was, however, care- 
 fully checked during the play hours, when we 
 were superintended by certain worthy old ladies, 
 who taught us, that the only ambition compatible 
 with a well regulated self-love, and the perfect!- 
 
bility of the Man Machine, was«that of labouring 
 most advantageously for our master. As this wab 
 a community of which the most perfect equality 
 was to be the basis ; it would be highly improper, 
 they said, to attempt any undue exercise of talents 
 or energy. It would be only generating envy, 
 jealousy, and all those passions which had been the 
 bane of society, ever since the serpent seduced 
 Eve, with the temptation of superior knowledge. 
 
 As the whole system of our master proceeded 
 upon the assumption, that the Man Machine was 
 as much without passions as a steam engine, and 
 that they were generated in him by the abominable 
 mode of education inflicted upon each succeeding 
 race, for the last six thousand years, he organized 
 the system accordingly. All the children, being of 
 course born without passions or desires, it was his 
 opinion that it was only necessary to tell them to 
 do right, and they would do it of course. We 
 were accordingly very seriously told, what all chil- 
 dren, so far as I know, have been told from the 
 creation of the world, "that we were never to 
 injure our play-fellows, but on the contrary to 
 contribute all in our power to make them happy." 
 " This principle," would our master say with infi- 
 nite self-complacency — "this principle, this simple 
 precept, when properly comprehended, if no Coun- 
 teracting Principles oppose its influence, will 
 
Of 
 
 effectually supersede all the errors which have 
 hitherto kept the world in ignorance and misery."* 
 
 But these "counteracting principles," as our 
 master called them, and which I suspect were 
 nothing more than those passions which are sup- 
 posed hy some ignorant people to be implanted in 
 human nature, were always getting between his 
 legs, as it were, and tripping up his theory. Emu- 
 lation was continually peeping forth, in one wicked 
 little rogue outrunning another, and thus mortifying 
 his feelings. In wrestling, the stronger machine 
 was very apt to impose upon the weaker, by throw- 
 ing it down with as little ceremony as possible. 
 At leap-frog, a mischievous urchin would sometimes 
 designedly bump a little fellow down on his nose, 
 by not leaping high enough. In short, these "coun- 
 teracting principles" were so troublesome and 
 inconvenient, that my master more than once 
 
 wished them fairly at the d 1, they stood so in 
 
 the way of the perfectibility of the Man Machine. 
 
 My master was indeed sometimes highly provoked 
 at these " counteracting principles," thus eternally 
 thrusting their noses into his plan of perfectibility. 
 It puzzled him confoundedly to find where his theory 
 was out at the elbows. At last he discovered that 
 his children were not young enough to give his 
 
 * See New View of Society for similar doctrines. — Ed, 
 4 
 
33 
 
 system a fair chance. It was his opinion that. 
 children received those impressions which give a 
 decided direction to their future character, almost 
 the moment they are born. Nay, he went still 
 further, and maintained, with great appearance of 
 reason, that they took special notice of every thing 
 that happened at the time, he himself recollecting 
 perfectly well, being very much alarmed, when the 
 nurse first took him in her arms, least she should 
 let him fall on the floor. 
 
 Accordingly he determined to go to the foun- 
 tain head, by introducing into the establishment 
 the institution of matrimony, and having the chil- 
 dren begotten to his hands. "I shall take them 
 ab oro," said he, a phrase of which I have since 
 learned the meaning, although at that time I did 
 not exactly comprehend it. The first born of this 
 new and perfect race in perspective, was a little 
 boy, who from the moment of his birth was al- 
 lowed to hear nothing but the repetition of the 
 great precept, not to harm his play-fellows, but 
 to do all in his power to make them happy. Ai 
 three years old he was launched into the play 
 ground, and made his debut by biting the finger 
 of one of the matrons who presided over our 
 sports, and who attempted forcibly to keep him 
 from indulging the instinct of the Man Machine, 
 for dabbling in a mud-puddle. Our master cast 
 
39 
 
 about for the '"counteracting principle" that had 
 produced this enormity, that he might give it a 
 sound drubbing, and to his great satisfaction dis- 
 covered it in a habit, which the mother had a long 
 time indulged, of biting her nails. This practice 
 was strictly forbidden ; but as one of the funda- 
 mental principles of my master was, that no pu- 
 nishments were necessary to keep the Man Ma- 
 chine in order, any more than the steam engine, 
 nobody minded the prohibition, and the women bit 
 their nails, as usual, when vexed or perplexed. 
 Notwithstanding the all-powerful precept which 
 lays at the root of the perfectibility of the Man 
 Machine, and which was not spared upon the 
 little biting boy, there was some "counteracting 
 principle" which certainly baffled detection, or at 
 least opposition. By the time he was twelve 
 years old the machine became so completely out 
 of order, that my master turned him out of the 
 establishment as a disgrace to his theory. 
 
 Still the plan of inculcating perfection into the 
 Man Machine, by play, would certainly have an- 
 swered the end completely had it not been for 
 two "counteracting principles." The first, was 
 those same inconvenient products of that er- 
 roneous system of education pursued for the 
 last six thousand years, which my master called 
 circumstances, and which, coming perpetually 
 
40 
 
 in conflict with his first principles, ior a lo'fig 
 time pretty generally got the better, and routed 
 them completely. To subdue these entirely, or 
 to direct them uniformly to the furtherance of 
 that self-love, which is the source of all virtue 
 and happiness, was found rather of the nature of 
 an impossibility. The second " counteracting 
 principle" was, that the little pupils of the play 
 ground, by having their plays always prescribed 
 to them, and by being eternally under the eyes 
 of the superintending matrons, who were perpe- 
 tually telling them not to do this and to refrain 
 from that — who were in fact always standing over 
 them, repressing their gambols, directing their 
 sports and restraining entirely the free will of the 
 Man Machine, became at last entirely indifferent 
 or rather frequently declined going out to play. 
 When they did, they preferred sitting quietly still, 
 rather than be perpetually restrained, lectured, 
 advised and dosed with the eternal repetition of 
 the grand precept. The consequence was, there 
 was no room for the practical exemplification of 
 the virtues of the system, at play. For my part, 
 although I was principally confined to the spin- 
 ning jenney for instruction, I freely confess that 
 such was the weariness of mind and lassitude of 
 body, produced by this mode of eternal supervi- 
 sion over our hours of relaxation, that it became 
 
41 
 
 a task at last from which I was glad to escape 
 by sleeping away my play hours. But notwith- 
 standing all these discouragements, the practica- 
 bility of the system ere long began to be fully 
 exemplified. There was one little machine that 
 was at last brought, if not quite, very nearly, to 
 perfection. Owing to the absence of those "coun- 
 teracting principles" which played the deuce with 
 most of the pupils, this little machine, at last 
 became so completely regulated, that my master 
 pronounced it almost as perfect as the machinery 
 of a cotton mill. If he had a task to do, he was 
 sure to do it exactly, and no more. If he was 
 told to go to a certain place, he could no more 
 be brought to go a step further than a horse in 
 a mill or a turnspit at the jack. He never dis- 
 covered any disposition to excel his companions 
 in their sports or their exercises — never did any 
 thing but what he was told — never committed an 
 offence— never resented an affront — but always ap- 
 pealed to the golden rule. In short, he seemed 
 happily free from the operation of those mischiev- 
 ous " counteracting principles," erroneously called 
 the passions. If my master could only have made 
 us all exactly like him, we should have represent- 
 ed the millennium. But unfortunately there were 
 as yet too many "counteracting principles" among 
 
 us, to admit of universal " harmoxy," and the per* 
 
 4* 
 
42" 
 
 feet Man Machine fared but indifferently. H. 
 was a sort of butt, and instead of righting his own 
 wrongs, always carried his complaints to the mat- 
 rons. This got him the name of tell-tale, and the 
 ill will of his fellows. My master considered him 
 as a living evidence of the triumph of his sys- 
 tem, and at length when he grew up, made him 
 one of his " committee of management" or supreme 
 junta. In the course of his performance of the 
 duties of this new station, he one day had occasion 
 to walk to a neighbouring town, on his way to 
 which he met a wagon, and not having my mas- 
 ter, or one of the matrons, to tell him what to 
 do, suffered it to walk right over him, while he 
 was considering the matter. He was the first 
 perfect Man Machine 1 ever saw, and my mas- 
 ter ever afterwards held him up as an example. 
 I had now reached the age of eighteen ; but I 
 must confess that my machinery was not a little 
 out of order. The perpetual routine of the same 
 employments — the want of those excitements, or 
 rather a field where the excitements of emula- 
 tion, ambition, desire of riches and distinction, 
 might bestir themselves, became at first irksome, 
 then stupifying. My faculties sunk into a benumb- 
 ing apathy, for want of exercise — and my personal 
 activity expired under the drudgery of the same 
 daily task, neither more or less, that I had to per- 
 
4-3 
 
 form as my contribution to the state of perfectibility. 
 Still I was fully persuaded that the system was practi- 
 cable, and that its operation would certainly produce 
 the perfection of the Man Machine, were it not for 
 the unlucky force of those " counteracting princi- 
 ples" which beset it on every side. Nothing, I was 
 convinced, but those vile passions, which are not 
 natural, but absolutely forced upon us, by a prepos- 
 terous system of education for six thousand years 
 past, could possibly prevent its ultimate and final 
 consummation, in the perfection of the Man Ma- 
 chine. 
 
 But unfortunately these impertinent and trouble- 
 some passions, are always nestling about one's 
 heart, and playing the most intolerable pranks with 
 our machinery. In process of time there grew up 
 some young girls in our establishment, and I was 
 moved with a desire to marry. There was, it is 
 true, the most perfect equality reigning among us, 
 together with a perfect community of interests. 
 But it unluckily happened that, owing to some 
 " counteracting principle" or other, the machinery 
 of some of these damsels was better constructed, 
 more highly finished, and somewhat more sightly 
 than that of others. There was one especially who 
 was so superior to the rest that she played the mis- 
 chief with my master's system of equality. All the 
 young fellows were anxious to marry her ; and as 
 
44 
 
 there was no community of goods allowed here, my 
 master's old enemies, the "counteracting princi- 
 ples," began to bestir themselves with great activity. 
 In vain he represented to us that it was only the mis- 
 chievous influence of these villains that made us 
 think one woman better than another — that it 
 was their equally villainous coadjutors, the five 
 senses, and the rest of the gang of countervailing 
 circumstances, that assisted in leading us to the pre- 
 posterous conclusion, that it was necessary to our 
 happiness we should marry this pretty girl. All 
 would not do — we quarrelled about it— fought 
 about it — and the machinery of the whole establish- 
 ment was at times thrown into great confusion. 
 
 My master's indefatigable enemies, the "counter- 
 acting principles," were in fact continually at work, 
 throwing stumbling-blocks in the way of our per- 
 fectibility, and going about like roaring lions among 
 us. It was enough to provoke a saint to see how 
 they succeeded for a time in thwarting the success 
 of my master's plans, for the harmony of the uni- 
 verse. The great difficulty was to produce that 
 perfect state of equality which would preclude all 
 possibility of one machine envying another. Now 
 it happened unfortunately that this perfect equality, 
 and this perfect community of goods, which were 
 both so essential to the perfection of the system, 
 proved for a long time very difficult to preserve. 
 
45 
 
 The least breath ripples even the stagnant pool, 
 and renders the surface unequal, and the least " cir- 
 cumstance," was sufficient to create jealousies and 
 rivalships among us, until by degrees, we quietly 
 sunk into a calm acquiescence to the will of the 
 committee of management, and acquired a habit of 
 perfect submission, which is one of the principal 
 ingredients in the pure state of perfectibility. 
 
 It was thus in our community. Although their 
 rights and their duties were all equal — and all 
 equally shared in the common fund in proportion 
 to their labours; still, as those who had laboured in 
 the community ten years, had of course twice the 
 stake in the common fund of those who had only 
 laboured five, this single counteracting circum- 
 stance produced a broad and palpable inequality. 
 Accordingly a lady whose husband had twice the 
 claim on the great fund, did not fail to look down 
 on one who had not a claim to half as much. She 
 valued herself on her fortune, just as if it had been 
 in her own possession, and for aught I could see, 
 the passions engendered by this species of inequality 
 were precisely those of the world, in the degraded 
 state it has been brought to, by^the " erroneous 
 
 >y Li 
 
 training"* of the last six thousarifryears. Nay, 1 
 
 * The author of the " New View" has borrowed this phrase, 
 Ed. 
 
46 
 
 am sorry to say, they seemed far more bitter and 
 malignant, from the parties being continually as it 
 were under the same roof, and brought together 
 many times a day, every day of their lives. Bat 
 even if this provoking inequality had not existed, 
 there were other " counteracting principles," which 
 assailed the Man Machine, from different quarters, 
 and occasionally put it out of order. 
 
 It sometimes happened, that one member of the 
 community by the regularity of his machine, and by 
 being perhaps less beset by those intolerable ras- 
 cals, the "counteracting principles," would by a 
 course of conduct as regular as clock-work, entitle 
 himself to the special notice and rewards of our 
 master. This approach to perfectibility in the 
 Man Machine, instead of operating as an example 
 and stimulus to others, as it would have done but 
 for the " counteracting principles," produced only 
 disorder. Every body was jealous of the unfortunate 
 Man Machine who had approached so much nearer 
 to perfectibility than themselves — instead of imita- 
 ting, they envied him, not his perfectibility, but the 
 particular honours and rewards he acquired. To be 
 sure it is just so in the world, where the " counter- 
 acting principl^F go about like roaring lions ; but 
 it ought not to have been so in our new state of 
 society, and that it was so, is tome quite unac- 
 countable. 
 
47 
 
 I speak from my own experience. My ambition, 
 which I take to be one of the " counteracting prin- 
 ciples," at length prompted me to put my machi- 
 nery in order, and make a dash at perfectibility, 
 ihat I might obtain the particular notice of my 
 master, and perhaps something more substantial. 
 I succeeded, and became the most miserable dog- 
 in the community. I had upset the beautiful sys- 
 tem of equality, upon which the whole establish- 
 ment rested ; I was no longer their equal, and they 
 began to envy, of course to hate me, by the mere 
 force of the " counteracting circumstances." To 
 make my peace with these pragmatical machine?, 
 and to restore the equilibrium of the society, I was 
 actually obliged to backslide a little in order to 
 bring myself down to thederv.l level of perfectibility. 
 Thus I found to my great mortification, that indi- 
 vidual perfectibility, was incompatible with the per- 
 fectibility of the whole, and that the only way to 
 preserve " harmony" was to be no better than 
 other people. 
 
 The rascally "counteracting principles," receiv- 
 ed aid and assistance from other sources, besides 
 the inequality of wealth, and the different estima- 
 tion in which different persons were held by the 
 society at large, and especially by our master. 
 Some of the married women, had prettier children 
 than others — and this was a source of inequality. 
 
43 
 
 Some were without any children at all, and sorely 
 envied their more happy next door neighbours, 
 whose pretty little curly pated machines, were 
 playing themselves into perfectibility on the lawn, 
 before their doors. On the other hand, some of the 
 men had better, younger, or prettier wives than oth- 
 ers, who not being specially instructed in such mat- 
 ters, did frequently break the tenth commandment. 
 My master was, in truth, for a long while the victim 
 of " counteracting circumstances ;" he at one time. 
 as I have heard, had serious thoughts of cutting oft" 
 all the women's noses, to bring them to a level, and 
 >o organizing his men and women machines, by the 
 mere force of education, as that they should conform 
 to the law of nature which ordains, that every bird 
 shall lay only so many eggs within a certain period. 
 He had no doubt of bringing this about, if he could 
 only begin ab ovo, and dodge his old enemies the 
 " counteracting circumstances." 
 
 But he was for some time deterred from thie 
 plan by the astounding objection that, though he 
 might regulate the number of children, it would be 
 difficult, if not impossible, to regulate their looks, 
 and prevent one from being handsomer than an- 
 other. He had no doubt that nature produced none 
 of these ridiculous inconsistencies, but that they 
 were the offspring of that diabolical system of edu- 
 cation under which mankind had groaned for the 
 
49 
 
 last six thousand years. "Some pigs," quoth he, 
 " are, it is true, handsomer than others — but then 
 the pig is sophisticated by associating with man, 
 and suffering under the influence of the counter- 
 acting circumstances. Doubtless all young wild 
 boars are perfectly equal in a state of nature. I 
 will inquire into these matters." His inquiries 
 ended, I imagine, in conviction, for he attempted 
 some reforms in these matters ; which caused so 
 much dissatisfaction among our women, that they 
 came near seceding in a body, and thus putting an 
 end to all prospect of the perfectibility of mankind. 
 My master accordingly gave up the point, satisfied 
 that though he might regulate the man machine to 
 some little purpose, Hie woman machine, was too 
 much under the influence of the " counteracting 
 principles," ever to become perfect, without an 
 entire new organization. 
 
 Scarcely had this danger blown over, when a 
 dispute occurred, which again threatened the de- 
 struction of our " harmony" and the prospective 
 perfectibility of mankind. Thi3 affair unfortunate- 
 ly originated in too near an approach to the perfect 
 system of equality contemplated by my master. 
 There were two married women, living in opposite 
 sides of the square which formed our village, whose 
 circumstances, situation, husbands, children, cha- 
 racters and persons were so singularly equal in all 
 5 
 
50 
 
 respects, that they hated each other mortally, for 
 no other reason that I could ever learn than he- 
 cause their pretensions were so equally balanced, 
 that the rest of the community could never agree 
 as to which was entitled to be considered the most 
 happy. What was still more provoking, as there 
 were no reasonable grounds of quarrel between them, 
 and nothing to complain of, they were obliged to 
 take it out in civil speeches. In this state of af- 
 fairs, one of them luckily discovered, that her best 
 room fronted north, while that of her rival looked 
 to the south, and consequently monopolized all her 
 sunshine, great part of the year. Here was a ma- 
 nifest hole in the elbows of my master's great sys- 
 tem of equality. There was no dividing the sun- 
 shine equally among mankind. He might have 
 altered his village, so as to make the whole of it 
 front south : but his whole system so complete- 
 ly hung on the shape of his village, that it would 
 have fallen to the ground, on the least hint of an 
 alteration. He was horribly puzzled by this coun- 
 teracting circumstance. 
 
 In the mean time, a northern and southern in- 
 terest sprung up among us, such as prevails in 
 some countries, and founded upon equally impor- 
 tant differences. The lady of the north front had 
 her faction, which held firmly to the principle, 
 that there was a manifest partiality in favour of 
 
51 
 
 the lady of the south front; while the lady of the 
 south front had also her friends, who swore round- 
 ly that they could perceive a leaning in favour 
 of her of the north. Each had her party, whose 
 clamour was exactly loud in proportion to the in- 
 significance of the occasion, the few causes of ex- 
 citement among us, and the narrow sphere in 
 which they were exercised. In short, there was 
 the deuce to pay among the Men Machines, the 
 Women Machines, the first principles, and the 
 " counteracting circumstances," which all pulled 
 different ways, so that my master hardly knew 
 which way to turn himself to get rid of these 
 implacable enemies. He was inclined to suspect 
 at one time, that it might be possible to shave the 
 chin of equality so close as actually to draw blood 
 from the patient, who, though his beard might be all 
 of equal length, might be himself in a humour to 
 knock him down. But he was not a man to knock 
 under to " counteracting circumstances, 1 ' nor any 
 such saucy fellows, while there was the remotest 
 prospect, to use his own words, "of making one 
 woman to do the work of twenty, 1 '* " of improving 
 man as an instrument of labour,"! "and training 
 
 * See " New View of Society" for similar expressions. — El). 
 t Ibid. 
 
52 
 
 him so as to produce a large increase of pecuni- 
 ary gain," " a return not less than fifty per cent.,"* 
 on all the investments and expenditures for the im- 
 provement of the Man Machine. 
 
 But these pestilent villains, the "counteracting 
 circumstances," were not so easily managed as 
 might be expected. They had in the long pe- 
 riod of six thousand years, in which the Man Ma- 
 chine has been debauched and corrupted by edu- 
 cation, insomuch that it is a thousand miracles 
 that his machinery is not irretrievably out of order — 
 I say, they had acquired such power, and withal 
 such a thorough knowledge of the Man Machine, 
 that as fast as they were driven out of one door 
 they popped in at another. Nay, if the doors 
 were all shut they climbed in at the window, 
 and if there was no window, they managed to 
 squeeze themselves through the keyhole. Thus 
 in the case of the two ladies of the northern and 
 southern exposure ; my master had no sooner 
 quieted the two factions, by demonstrating that 
 to be out of the sun in summer, was equal to 
 being in it in winter, when the " counteracting 
 circumstances," like vile traitors as they were, 
 changed sides before you could say Jack Robin- 
 
 * See » New View of Society" for similar expressions. — Ed. 
 
son, and Ihe Men Machines forthwith fell into a 
 great quarrel, about whjch party would have been 
 in the right, provided the case.had stood as they 
 originally apprehended. As to the two ladies, 
 they hated each other worse than ever, when they 
 found my master had decided there was not a toss 
 up of copper between them. "Marry come up, 
 my dirty cousin," exclaimed each of the other — " I 
 should be very sorry if I was no better than I 
 should be." 
 
 But I have not come to the worst yet. Not only 
 the wicked "counteracting principles," played 
 pranks with my master, but it sometimes unluckily 
 happened that his own principles would turn upon 
 him, and show their teeth terribly. For example, 
 it was easy to comprehend the simple principle of 
 self-love, which, as I have said, constituted the great 
 primam mobile of the Man Machine, according to 
 my master's theory. But to apply it successfully to 
 the attainment of the great end of perfectibility 
 was a different affair. When the good man talked 
 to them about the absolute necessity of attending 
 exclusively " to the happiness of self* as the only 
 means of promoting the happiness of the commu- 
 nity, they were extremely apt to comprehend this, 
 
 See " New View of Society," p. 18, for similar doctrines. 
 5* 
 
54 
 
 as not only a permission, but an exhortation, to fol- 
 low the bent of their passions and appetites, or in 
 other words, the " counteracting principles,'" 
 without any regard to the happiness of others, 
 taking for granted that would come as a matter of 
 course. My master in vain attempted to set the 
 Man Machine going according to the nice adjust- 
 ment of the self-love and social principles. The 
 one was perpetually getting the better of the other, 
 being a hot-headed self-willed rascal, and withal a 
 great bully ; while the other had hardly a word to 
 say for itself. It was in vain to threaten an appeal 
 to the laws, for as there was to be no crimes in our 
 community, there was no necessity for restraints or 
 punishments. 
 
 I will give an example here, of the terrible blun- 
 ders some of us made, in the application of this 
 grand fundamental principle of my master, whose 
 whole system, I am convinced, was perfect, except 
 that it was not calculated for the particular kind of 
 ?»Icn Machines, he had to do with. These have 
 been so bedeviled, by the horrible system of edu- 
 cation pursued for the last six thousand years, that 
 I question whether it will not take at least six 
 thousand years more, to put their machinery in per- 
 fect order. But to my example. 
 
 There was among us, a wild, sprightly man ma- 
 chine, which, owing to being as it were, under high 
 
55 
 
 steam pressure, was continually getting into the 
 claws of the " counteracting principles," and 
 making sad misapplications of my master's precepts. 
 It was next to impossible to bring his passions and 
 appetites under the dominion of metaphysicks, or 
 to instil into him a proper comprehension of the 
 great abstract truth, that the indulgence of our self- 
 love, consists in restraining it. One day my 
 master brought him up before us all, for the 
 purpose of lecturing him for the benefit of the 
 community. 
 
 " Well, Sandy," quoth my master, mildly, " I ant 
 afraid I shall never be able to make a perfect ma- 
 chine of you." 
 
 " How so, sir," replied Sandy. 
 
 " Why, you are continually violating the sublime 
 fundamental principle of self-love." 
 
 " I don't know how that can be, sir, for I do all I 
 can to gratify it, as you have convinced me it is my 
 duty to do." 
 
 "Yes, but you did not properly comprehend me. 
 The self-love I mean, is the sacrifice of our wishes 
 and desires to those of others — it is in fact the 
 absence of all self-love." 
 
 " Why did you not tell us so at first," said Sandy, 
 rather sulkily — " I'm sure I should never have 
 thought that it was possible a thing could be exactly 
 what it is not." 
 
" That doubt is owing to the imperfection of our 
 sophisticated nature, which cannot comprehend the 
 sublime truth, that man is a machine, originally 
 constructed with a due regard to the two great 
 moving principles of matter, the centripetal and the 
 centrifugal forces. By the first, his passions, appe- 
 tites, wants, wishes, desires, and gratifications, are 
 perpetually urging towards the centre, thus exclu- 
 sively concentrating in his own individual gratifica- 
 tion. By the second, a continued endeavour is 
 made to resist and overpower the first, by forcing 
 or attracting the passions and appetites from this 
 disposition towards the centre or self, and giving 
 them a wider and more beneficial sphere of indul- 
 gence. It is in the proper balancing and restrain- 
 ing the centripetal force of the passions, by the 
 interposition of the centrifugal, that these, the grati- 
 fication of which is the grand object of self-love, 
 become the foundation of all worldly happiness, 
 and constitute the perfect state of the Man Ma- 
 chine." 
 
 This confounding of matter and spirit, and 
 jumbling together the ideas of mechanical, physical 
 and moral action, was what always puzzled us, and 
 gave an air of incomprehensibility to my mas- 
 ter's theories. The Man Machine Sandy, was at 
 first either convinced, or confounded, I hardly know 
 which ; but he soon rallied again, and to say the 
 
truth, I sometimes was half inclined to think his 
 common sense pretty nearly put my master to a 
 dead halt. 
 
 " You have exactly hit upon my case, sir, and the 
 very difficulty that prevents me from becoming a 
 perfect machine in the shortest time possible. 
 Somehow or other, I can't get this same centrifu- 
 gal force, my master talks of, to do its duty. It 
 is a lazy, lounging, indifferent principle, that is 
 half the time asleep while the other is as busy as 
 a bee, and some way or other, manages to get the 
 better nine times in ten. My good wishes, instead 
 of going abroad now and then, as they should do, 
 are almost always attracted to the centre by that 
 rascally centripetal gentleman you mentioned." 
 
 " That is because you don't suffer my funda- 
 mental principles to operate upon you properly ; 
 and wilfully resist the natural and inevitable result 
 of a perfect system of education, which can be 
 nothing less than a perfect state of the Man Ma- 
 chine." 
 
 " Indeed, sir, I don't — I try all I can to love my- 
 self in the proper manner; and to be persuaded 
 that perfection is as easy as kiss your hand. But 
 somehow or other, I confess I do love Jenny bet- 
 ter than Kate — and the centripetal principle espe- 
 cially moves my self-love to prefer kissing her, to 
 seeing any body else do it." 
 
58 
 
 " Out upon you," exclaimed my master — " this 
 is all owing to the counteracting principles." 
 
 "What are they, sir. I confess I never could 
 fairly understand them." 
 
 " Why — hem — why — ha — he — hum" — my mas- 
 ter appeared a little puzzled here — " Why the coun- 
 teracting principles are a sort of — a kind of — 
 stumbling blocks, which education, habit, and bad 
 systems have thrown in the way of the perfectibi- 
 lity of man. In short, they are what I call — cir- 
 cumstances.''^ 
 
 " I reckon you mean the wants, desires, and pas- 
 sions of us Men Machines," quoth Sandy. 
 
 " And 1 reckon you are a great blockhead," ex- 
 claimed my master — " How often have I told you 
 that the Man Machine has naturally, neither wants, 
 desires or passions — They are the product of that 
 erroneous training which has produced all the 
 miseries and inconsistencies of this world." 
 
 "What! no passions, sir ?" 
 
 "None — not an atom more than a piece of calves- 
 foot jelly." 
 
 " Why, Lord bless you, sir, I always heard say, 
 that if we had no passions, desires, and all that 
 =ort of thing, we should be without any motives of 
 action whatever." 
 
 " Pooh — self-love would keep us going." 
 But what is this self-love, sir ?" 
 
59 
 
 " A bundle of circumstances," quoth my master. 
 "I reckon its a bundle of passions," quoth 
 Sandy. 
 
 " And 1 reckon thou art a confirmed, incorri- 
 gible, irreclaimable blockhead of a Man Machine," 
 cried my master in a great passion — " I say, sir, may 
 
 the d 1 take thee for a sophisticated idiot — I 
 
 affirm that man is born without passions — that there 
 are no such scoundrels in the creation — that they 
 are nothingbut circumstances — circumstances, sir — 
 counteracting principles — counteracting principles, 
 sir — which an erroneous system of education has 
 conjured up to the confusion of all those who 
 labour for the perfectibility of the Man Machine." 
 Hereupon my master seized Sandy by the shoul- 
 ders, and would have thrust him forth from the 
 community had he not offered to acknowledge the 
 supremacy of " circumstances," to knock under to 
 the " counteracting principles," and swear there 
 were no such villains as the passions in this world. 
 "After all," quoth Sandy, a little doggedly — 
 " after all, thank fortune, I am not answerable 
 either for my opinions or my actions." 
 
 " Not answerable ! — I'll make you know to the 
 contrary, sirrah." 
 
 "No, sir — you tell us every day that the will of 
 man has no power over his opinions, and that it is 
 therefore absurd to make him accountable for his 
 
GO 
 
 errors. You teach us, that children have no con- 
 trol over their early education, which is conducted 
 uniformly upon mischievous principles — that they 
 are not only taught to think and reason wrong, but 
 actually to commit those crimes for which they 
 are afterwards punished— that, therefore, when they 
 grow up they cannot be justly charged either with 
 the errors of their opinions or the wickedness of 
 their actions.* I thank my stars, therefore, that 
 if I think or act wrong, my teachers are to blame, 
 not 1." 
 
 Here was the mischief to pay again among the 
 "counteracting principles," which thus turned short 
 upon my master, and bit him shrewdly. His first 
 and great principle, that the errors and incon- 
 sistencies of men proceeded entirely from an erro- 
 neous system of education, and that they were 
 therefore not accountable for them, here did him 
 the worst office that could be. It convicted him, 
 in the sight of the whole community, of getting in 
 a passion contrary to fundamental principles, and 
 that the man who professed to teach perfectibility 
 was himself imperfect. 
 
 He might as well attempt, thought I, to teach 
 music without understanding the gamut. But 
 
 * See " New View of Society," pp. 83, Sec. ice. for similar 
 doctrines. 
 
61 
 
 this was a momentary doubt, which soon yielded 
 to the force of habit, and I still continued to 
 think my master a perfect Man Machine, although 
 the " counteracting principles" were sometimes 
 permitted to assail him, as Satan did Job, merely 
 to try his patience. 
 
 The Man Machine Sandy continued to exem- 
 plify from time to time the influence of the cen- 
 tripetal force, and the mischievous activity of the 
 counteracting principles. He was perpetually de- 
 monstrating the notion of my master, concerning 
 the diabolical errors of an erroneous system of, 
 education. But these errors being, according to his 
 theory, not his fault, but that of his parents who 
 were both dead, could not be punished without a ter- 
 rible perversion of justice. To compromise matters 
 as well as he could, my master at length dismissed 
 him into the wide world, where, as I afterwards 
 learned, the poor fellow, acting upon the principle 
 of not being accountable for his opinions or actions, 
 appropriated to himself certain bank notes that did 
 not belong to him, and was hanged in defiance of 
 all the rules of justice, as well as in utter disregard 
 10 the sublime notion of a community of goods. 
 
 In the course of my master's experiments upon 
 the Man Machine, there were a great many ma- 
 chines that left the establishment, or were turned 
 away for being too much under the influence of the 
 counteracting principles. They took with them 
 G 
 
62 
 
 their share of the common stock which had accu- 
 mulated during their induction into the mysteries ot 
 perfectibility ; but somehow or other there were so 
 many deductions, for this, that and the other matter, 
 that the Men Machines complained loudly at the 
 -mallness of their dividend. But there was no help 
 for it; for my master's system proceeded entirely 
 upon the principle, that as the Men Machines who 
 presided over this perfect establishment, must of 
 necessity be entirely and exclusively perfect in 
 themselves, there was no necessity to guard their 
 administration of the public fund, with that jealous 
 circumspection requisite towards less perfect ruler-. 
 in a less perfect system. 
 
 Upon the whole, however, our community sus- 
 tained its numbers pretty well. The children that 
 w r ere born, and the recruits that came in from time 
 to time, prevented any apparent diminution. For 
 my part I had no inclination to leave the establish- 
 ment. 1 had at last become a model, as my master 
 assured me, of a perfect Man Machine. I had 
 neither virtues to exercise, nor counteracting prin- 
 ciples to lead me astray. I worked my task as 
 regularly as the spinning jenney went through hers : 
 I ate like a machine, at a particular time — I slept 
 by rule, rose by rule, and did every thing by rule. 
 In short, 1 did every thing like a perfect machine of 
 a man. In process of time our whole community 
 also arrived at a perfectibility that was truly asto- 
 
63 
 
 nishingj considering its apparent impossibility. It 
 might be said that we had neither virtues nor vices, 
 at least there was neither room for the exercises of 
 the one, nor excitement for the indulgence of the 
 other. There is no doubt that we all became 
 quite perfect. 
 
 My master valued himself exceedingly at having 
 at last got completely the upper hand of his old 
 enemies, the counteracting circumstances. He had 
 not the least doubt but that his system would in a 
 little time be universally adopted, and that there 
 would then be no further use for law or gospel in 
 this perfect state of society. But of all the pieces 
 of machinery ever invented, the most wayward, 
 perverse, and inconsistent beyond all doubt is the 
 Man Machine. No sooner does it become perfect, 
 but it begins to decay, grows rickety and good for 
 nothing. At least soitwas with the machinery of our 
 establishment. Our perfectibility at last centered 
 exclusively in the performance of our daily duties. 
 These consisted in working at our tasks regularly — 
 eating, drinking, sleeping regularly — and in fact 
 doing every thing we had to do with a regularity 
 becoming perfect machines. Every thing was in 
 common ; therefore no one was in want ; and there- 
 fore there was no room for the exercise of charity 
 and benevolence. The children were all taken 
 care of by the community, and the aged and sick 
 were nursed and sustained by persons expressly ap- 
 
G4 
 
 pointed to superintend them — the relative duties of 
 parent and child, were therefore of little conse- 
 quence among us, and were seldom or ever called 
 into exercise. In short, as the system of our society 
 was so perfect as not to require the cement of mu- 
 tual wants, mutual weaknesses, and mutual depend- 
 ence, there was no room, nor indeed any occasion, 
 for the exercise of the social virtues, except so far 
 as they are negatively exercised in refraining from 
 actual violence or injury. 
 
 Again, as the perfection of my master's system, 
 and of his Men Machines, consisted in the total 
 absence of the passions, or rather the annihilation 
 of the counteracting principles, it is obvious that this 
 could only be brought about by the absence of 
 those excitements which stimulate them into rebel- 
 lion. In removing these, it was requisite, or 
 rather it was unavoidable, that most if not all the 
 motives for any extraordinary exertion of talent, or 
 vigorous exercise of the intellect, should be want- 
 ing. Our talents, therefore, as well as our virtues, 
 soon became rusty for want of exercise. Our 
 master and the committee of management,* were 
 the only persons to whom the exercise of any but 
 the working faculty, was at all necessary. They 
 
 * See New View of Society, Constitution, Laws, &c. for similar 
 previsions. 
 
65 
 
 'thought for us, and they acted for us. They made 
 the laws, and they administered them. They took 
 care of our morals, our manners, and our money, 
 while we, thrice happy machines, had nothing to do 
 but move ourselves about, with all the regularity of 
 a spinningjenney — we worked by rule, ate by rule, 
 slept by rule, and were as merry as so many cab- 
 bages, growing in regular lines. As the endeavour 
 to excel our companions, in any thing but work, 
 would have savoured of a design to overturn the 
 perfect system of equality, all such unseemly ambi- 
 tion was studiously repressed as one of the mis- 
 chievous counteracting principles which it was 
 necessary to put down in the most summary man 
 ner. As there was no such thing as exclusive pro- 
 perty in our community, and even a man's soul 
 could not be called his own, being under the ex- 
 clusive direction of my master's first principles — • 
 the passion of avarice, or the desire of accumula- 
 tion, had certainly less influence over us, and we 
 worked solely for the good of the whole. It is true 
 we did not labour with that spirit and alacrity men 
 do when they are labouring for themselves, but from 
 a habit acquired by the machine, which went its 
 regular course day after day. But this, my mas- 
 ter considered as the highest proof of perfecti- 
 bility, which properly understood, consisted in 
 doing every thing necessary to the happiness 
 of the community not from a sense of duty 
 6* 
 
GO 
 
 but from a habit acquired by the Man Machine. 
 " It is much better," would my master say. 
 "to do good from habit than impulse, sentiment, 
 or feeling, which are such capricious rascals they 
 can never be depended upon." On the whole 
 there is no doubt but we actually became perfect 
 machines. We believed in all my master's first 
 principles — in the encouragement of crime for 
 the last six thousand years, by an erroneous system 
 of education — in the non-accountability of man for 
 his opinions or actions — in the wickedness of pun- 
 ishing crimes — the division of labour — the commu- 
 nity of goods — the perfect equality, and above all, 
 in the committee of management. If this was not 
 perfection, I believe there is no such thing in this 
 world. 
 
 But scarcely had my master demonstrated the 
 great truths of the New View of Society, and made 
 his Men Machines quite perfect in their evolutions, 
 when his old enemies the counteracting principles, 
 rallied again, and became as troublesome as ever. 
 My master in a little time discovered, that though 
 it was quite easy to make the Men Machines per- 
 fect, it was not quite so easy to keep them so. As 
 the inanimate machine becomes rickety, out of 
 order, and wears out in time, so does the animated 
 machine called man, continually give way to that 
 mischievous counteracting principle, called backsli- 
 ding. Scarcely therefore were the great counter- 
 
G7 
 
 acting principles, of ambition, love of glory, and 
 desire of knowledge, thus totally subdued, than the 
 lesser and more ignoble ones began to cut a figure, 
 like corporals and sergeant-majors, in the absence 
 of the commanding officers. The counteracting 
 principle of envy," the most grovelling, contempti- 
 ble, and at the same time, the most malignant, 
 began to erect itself, and to do the duty of half a 
 dozen others, in sowing the seeds of dissolution in 
 the perfect system of society. Experience, as 1 
 sometimes thought, gradually developed a truth 
 that my master had left out in his catalogue of 
 counteracting circumstances, to wit, that it is utterly 
 impossible to place the Man Machine in any situa- 
 tion where he is out of the reach of the "coun- 
 teracting principles." On a desert island, said I. 
 mentally, in my moments of disappointment, where 
 no other human being exists, it actually seems that 
 he will envy his fellow men the enjoyment of social 
 intercourse, and the birds the wings that enable 
 them to go whither they will, while he is confined 
 to his solitude. Place him in a dungeon, and, 
 I dare say, he will envy others the enjoyment of air, 
 exercise, and free action. Piace him in beggary, 
 and he will very likely envy the dog his bone — and 
 place him on a throne, he will envy the poorest 
 peasant his ruddy health and active limbs. Where- 
 ever there is inequality of any kind, there, as it 
 would seem, will envy subsist — and if it were pos- 
 
03 
 
 sible to produce the most perfect equality iu physi- 
 cal and mental qualities — in every species of 
 possession — in all that Providence can bestow 
 upon man, I could almost swear there would 
 still be the same necessity for the ten com- 
 mandments as the rules of our actions, and of laws 
 to enforce them, that there is at this moment. 
 Yet for all this you are not to suppose that I have 
 ever doubted, except in momentary intervals of 
 vexation or disappointment, the possibility of intro- 
 ducing a universal state of perfectibility into thif- 
 world, provided it is not destroyed too soon to give 
 my master's first principles a fair chance of opera- 
 ting upon the Men Machines. How long did man- 
 kind go on patiently doing the work of steam en- 
 gines and spinning jenneys, until an inspired noble- 
 man suggested the idea of the one, and an inspired 
 barber demonstrated the possibility of the other ? 
 Ages elapsed from the first suggestion of the appli- 
 cation of the power of steam to mechanical pur- 
 poses, and the application itself — and still other 
 ages, before the machine was perfected. Can we 
 then expect that the Man Machine, equally com- 
 plicated in its mechanical organization, will all at 
 once spring into perfection ? No, my friends ; as 
 the nice skill of the moulder labours whole days to 
 prepare for the perfect casting, so must the nice 
 skill of the reformer labour whole years, not to 
 gay centuries, to produce the perfect man. Nothing, 
 
69 
 
 1 am convinced, is necessary to the perfectibility of 
 the human machine, but the same labour and perse- 
 verance which has perfected the steam engine and 
 cotton machinery, co-operating with the proper 
 application of "circmstances" and the absence of 
 the rascally "counteracting principles." Then, gen- 
 tlemen — then there will be no further occasion for 
 laws or religion — punishments or rewards — poten- 
 tates or presidents, — the whole universe will be 
 governed by "a committee of management," of 
 which I expect to be treasurer, and then — 
 
 " Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, 
 " The cow jumped over the moon" — 
 
 Here the Man Machine jumped up and began to caper 
 about till he came nigh oversetting the bowl, and 
 putting an end to the perfectibility of man at once. 
 It was some time before he recovered his gravity 
 sufficiently to proceed, as follows : — 
 
 But however this may be, I must confess that 
 besides the little malignant counteracting principle 
 of envy, which is ever the substitute of emulation 
 and ambition, there were certain other " circum- 
 stances," as my master called them, such as those 
 unnaturally natural appetites, or instincts, which, 
 however trifling and contemptible, like rats and 
 mice on board a ship, often endangered his whole 
 system. These were perpetually thrusting them- 
 selves forward in the disguise of a preference of 
 
70 
 
 beauty to deformity — of light hair to dark — of 
 blue eyes to black — of youth to age — of fair to 
 brown, and of brown to fair. Sometimes two ma- 
 chines would agree in their preferences, and this 
 agreement at once gave play to a whole train 
 of counteracting circumstances, which caused my 
 master infinite trouble and vexation. At other 
 times two machines would differ about what my 
 master in his New View of Society, had expressly 
 stipulated there should be no difference about. 
 For instance, one was a presbyterian, another an 
 episcopalian, and another had no religion at all. 
 This was sufficient for argument, which on such 
 subjects generally becomes contention, and often 
 abuse. In the great and good-for-nothing old system 
 of society which subsists in the world, where the ex- 
 citements to the passions are divided and subdivided 
 almost to infinity, such disputes are easily forgot- 
 ten and forgiven, except among those whose inte- 
 rest it is to keep up the antipathy of sects. But 
 in our community, we had so few causes of 
 excitement, that one answered the end of the 
 whole, and seemed to concentrate within itself 
 the fury of all the passions. No matter there- 
 fore what was the cause, however insignificant, it 
 produced the same effects. The perfect Man Ma- 
 chine who saw his neighbour machine receive 
 particular notice or approbation from my master, 
 envied as bitterly as the courtier who sees his rival 
 
71 
 
 supersede him in the favour of the king. My 
 master lectured away, on the sublime principle 
 of self-love, but it all would not do. That in- 
 comprehensible scoundrel, human nature, seem- 
 ed to set his face against him ; and it happened 
 too often that the man of nature, aided by the 
 rascally counteracting circumstances, got the better 
 of the Man Machine and caused him to backslide 
 exceedingly. 
 
 But my master did not despair, for amidst all these 
 discouraging circumstances, the common fund in- 
 creased, and the committee of management had 
 ( very year a larger amount of property to manage — 
 for the community. But for my part, I began to be 
 discouraged — not that the reflections I have just 
 now made, occurred to me at that time ; they are 
 the product of succeeding experience in the great 
 world. I firmly believed, and believe still, that 
 the fault of all this was not in my master's sys- 
 tem, but in human nature, that is to say, human 
 nature debased and corrupted by six thousand 
 years of " erroneous training," as my master call- 
 ed it. 
 
 " Rome was not built in a day," said my mas- 
 ter one time — " and a system of six thousand years 
 can only be completely routed by a counteract- 
 ing system of equal duration. I shall not live to 
 see it — but it will certainly happen ; if my sys- 
 tem is pursued six thousand years it will become 
 
72 
 
 completely successful. I will not despair. And 
 who knows after all what may happen ? Who 
 knows but the moral perfectibility may bring about 
 the mechanical perfectibility of the Man Machine. 
 If my system can only prevent, as 1 have proved 
 it can, for a time, the commission of all sin, then 
 of course there will be no necessity for future re- 
 wards and punishments, and as a natural conse- 
 quence no necessity for a man to die. Who 
 knows but I may live long enough to see the 
 millennium ? It is only applying the principle of 
 perpetual motion to the Man Machine." 
 
 My master was highly delighted with this new 
 light, and went on with new hopes and spi- 
 rits. He was quite sure his Men Machines had 
 been perfect, at least for an hour or two, and 
 though they had afterwards got a little out of order 
 he had fairly established his principle, that they 
 were susceptible of absolute perfectibility. All 
 therefore that was necessary was to make this 
 perfectibility everlasting, and this could only be 
 done by operating upon a long succession of gene- 
 rations of Men Machines. So he held faster to 
 his system than ever, and so did I. Indeed I had 
 no doubt that each succeeding race of our com- 
 munity, provided they were properly trained, and 
 the counteracting principles could be kept down, 
 would approach nearer and nearer to the perfect 
 state, and at length reach it permanently at last. 
 
73 
 
 Nay, I carried my anticipations so far as to calcu» 
 late that in the course of three or four centuries, 
 at farthest, our surplus fund would increase to such 
 an extent as to enable my master, if he lived so 
 long, to purchase all the land in the kingdom, and 
 thus make perfect Men Machines of all my coun- 
 trymen by actually buying them up as we do other 
 machinery. 
 
 But alas ! — one of my master's old and desperate 
 enemies, was destined, by that envious Provi- 
 dence which, as it would seem, could not bear 
 to see a vile system which it had permitted to exist 
 for six thousand years, routed by his New View of 
 Society, to destroy all my anticipations in the bud. 
 My master had unaccountably forgot, that in order 
 to make his system complete, it was necessary that 
 the rulers as well as the people should be equally 
 perfect. A reciprocity of perfection was indispen- 
 sable. But here my master's system* was terribly 
 out at the elbows, and presented a signal example 
 of the extreme difficulty of introducing perfection 
 into this world, or in other words, of reconciling 
 impossibilities. It is obvious that the Men Ma- 
 chines, having the management of the surplus 
 fund — the buying and selling — in fact, every thing 
 connected with the pecuniary affairs of the com- 
 munity, must of necessity mix with the world and 
 become acquainted with the value of money, the 
 arts of bargaining, and other matters indispensable 
 7 
 
74 
 
 to a judicious superintendence of our fund. They 
 would therefore be assailed not only by the bad 
 examples of people educated in that " erroneous 
 system" which has prevailed for six thousand 
 years, but also by all those temptations, or " coun- 
 teracting principles," which constitute what are 
 called the seductions of the great world. It is 
 hardly possible, therefore, but that their machinery 
 should get more or less out of order, and they them- 
 selves backslide from the summit of perfectibility. 
 Thus it happened that the treasurer of our 
 establishment, who, at the time of his election, was 
 considered the most perfect Man Machine amongst 
 us, being assailed by the " counteracting princi- 
 ple" called a love of money, and by the other 
 " counteracting principle," the desire of appro- 
 priating other people's property to his own use. 
 played us all a saucy trick. He fell from grace 
 — his machinery got terribly out of order ; and 
 he backslided into a far country with nearly the 
 whole proceeds of the surplus fund we had been 
 labouring to accumulate for years. The com- 
 mittee of management ran after the treasurer — 
 my master ran after the committee, and we were 
 left alone like so many babes howling in the wil- 
 derness. Having been so long in leading strings, 
 not one of us could walk alone, and it became 
 sufficiently evident that after all, the perfectibility 
 of the system entirely depended, not upon our- 
 
selves, but upon a runaway treasurer, a runaway 
 committee, and a runaway reformer. From the 
 mere force of habit our machinery continued to 
 perform its task — to eat and sleep, to rise in the 
 morning and lie down at night — buj the rest was 
 all a vacuum — a blank — a state of absolute perfect- 
 ibility, produced by a state of stagnation. 
 
 In process of time my master, who was per- 
 fectly innocent of all participation in the fraud 
 of that infamous Man Machine, the treasurer, 
 except in so far as he had not sufficiently provided 
 against the influence of the " counteracting cir- 
 cumstances," returned from an unsuccessful pur- 
 suit of many hundred miles. We had now the 
 world to begin again. But to say the truth, per- 
 fectibility is such a horrid dull thing, and there 
 was such a want, a total absence of the charm of 
 variety in our lives and occupations, that for some 
 time past a great portion of our community had 
 hung loose upon the establishment. It was only 
 the cement of the " surplus fund," that kept them 
 together, and that being gone they longed like 
 children, for such in fact they were in knowledge 
 of the world, to go forth and see its distant won- 
 ders. In one word, they sighed for that freedom 
 of will, that release from eternal restraint — eternal 
 supervision — and eternal monotony, which they 
 were obliged to submit to, in order to arrive at 
 perfection. The idea of freedom was so exqui- 
 sitely grateful, that they forgot their losses, and in a 
 
76 
 
 little time, in spite of my master's exhortation*, 
 and the logic of his New View of Society which he 
 read over to them six times, they flew away like 
 gay birds in all directions, leaving him a disconso- 
 late teacher without any scholars, but myself, and 
 a few of the lame, blind and incapable of the com- 
 munity who were left behind. The ties of kindred 
 and the feelings of humanity had, in truth, been 
 very much weakened for want of exercise in our 
 establishment, if they were not entirely left out in 
 the march to perfectibility. What became of the 
 grown up children, thus putting themselves upon 
 their country, destitute of the habits and experi- 
 ence necessary to self-government, security, nay. 
 existence in the wide world, 1 know not to a cer- 
 tainty. I have heard that many of them were 
 wrecked upon the unknown coast of the world, and 
 that the remainder, during a great part of their 
 lives, were indebted for support, to that society 
 which they had deserted, in pursuit of perfection. 
 My business is not however with them. I am to 
 relate my own story, which will exemplify the 
 situation of human beings, such as it would in all 
 probability be in the event of the ill success of 
 my master's great plan, and the consequent neces- 
 sity of their again mixing with the world as it is, 
 with the obligation of obeying its laws, conforming 
 to its institutions and fulfilling its duties. 
 
 I continued with my master some time after the 
 backsliding of the treasurer, and the dispersion of 
 
his flock. Notwithstanding his little eccentricities. 
 1 could not help liking him for the trouble he took 
 to make the world perfect. Besides, as the 
 apostate Man Machine of a treasurer could not 
 run away with the village, the land and the im- 
 provements, our establishment was not altogether 
 ruined, and recruits begun to flock in from time to 
 time. It would seem indeed that whatever may 
 be the situation of a man, good, bad, or indifferent, 
 there will always be found some one to occupy it 
 the moment it is vacant. Be this as it may, my 
 master railed more than ever against the " errone- 
 ous system" of education pursued for the last six 
 thousand years, and I verily believe would actually 
 have hung up the "counteracting principles" in a 
 row, could he have fairly got them in his clutches, 
 notwithstanding his opinion of the injustice of all 
 punishments. 
 
 We used to hold conversations together, and 
 my master, who had great confidence in the per- 
 fection of my machinery, frequently consulted 
 me on the subject of either converting these 
 vile counteracting principles to his own notions, 
 or exterminating them entirely. On one of these 
 occasions, I thought I would bring him fairly to 
 the point, by asking what he meant exactly by 
 these counteracting principles, which seemed to be 
 always in his way. 
 
 7* 
 
78 
 
 i; To tell you the truth, sir," said I, " although 
 my corporeal Man Machine is perfect, so far as 
 respects its being entirely and exclusively governed, 
 directed, set going and stopped, by the great prin- 
 ciple called the force of habit, whereby the mis- 
 chievous influence of the passions is entirely obvi- 
 ated ; yet I fear that I am not equally perfect in 
 my comprehension. I confess, sir, I have never 
 yet been able to understand exactly which you 
 mean by the counteracting principles. I have no 
 doubt they arc a set of diabolical rascals, but 1 
 should like to have so particular a description that 
 I might know them half a mile off, and get out of 
 the way when I saw them coming." 
 
 " What I mean," replied he, after some consi- 
 derable pause — "'what I mean by the ' counter- 
 acting • principles,' or ' the force of circumstan- 
 ces,' is, ail those vices, follies, inconsistencies, ab- 
 surdities, habits, principles, and feelings, which an 
 erroneous system of education for the last six thou- 
 sand years has implanted in the human race, so as 
 to change, as it were, their very natures, making 
 them almost unsusceptible of perfectibility, and 
 it would seem, incapable of remaining perfect 
 when I have made them so. O ! if 1 could only 
 get rid of these, what a world I would make 
 of it — there would be no use in a better, I pro- 
 mise you." 
 
79 
 
 I was just as far off as before, and went on. 
 " May I ask, sir, what you mean by an erroneous 
 -vstem of education ?" 
 
 " A system which counteracts human nature. 
 
 ~n 
 
 ,. )) 
 
 "But how, sir?— You have always told us that 
 human nature is nothing but a bit of wax, on 
 which any impression may be made, if taken while 
 it is soft. It seems to me, though I know I am 
 mistaken, that there can be no such thing as hu- 
 man nature, and therefore that it cannot be coun- 
 teracted by an erroneous system of education." 
 
 " R'ght, sir — right — human nature is an absurdih . 
 a non-entity — a — a— in short, man is nothing but 
 a machine, and his nature, or the first principle of 
 his existence, nothing more than the force of an 
 innate— an innate— an— a— law of matter like that 
 which causes the wheel to go in a circle, and the 
 runner in a horizontal line." 
 
 " But if has often puzzled me, sir, why if 
 
 human nature is a mere machine with its one 
 inflexible law of action like that of a wheel— why 
 you should take so much trouble to make it go 
 better. But after all, sir, I don't see how this ex- 
 plains the counteracting principles." 
 
 " Look'e, sir," said my master, who was so well 
 satisfied with the truth of his theory that he never 
 would allow any body to question it, without growing 
 rather sore— " Look'e, sir— the counteracting prin* 
 
80 
 
 ciple is that tendency to wrong and mischief, which 
 is implanted in the Man Machine by an erroneous 
 system of education; and the force of circumstances 
 is nothing more than the temptations thrown into 
 his way by this erroneous system." 
 
 " As how, sir ?" 
 
 " By the counteracting principles, sir." 
 
 " I believe I am very stupid, sir — but really I 
 do not even yet comprehend these principles. 
 What are they ?" 
 
 My master began to redden. 
 
 " Why, sir — if I must take the trouble to answer 
 your impertinent questions, sir, I tell you — that 
 avarice, lust, ambition, envy, malice and revenge, 
 are what I call the counteracting principles." 
 
 " O ! I understand now — what we used to call 
 the passions." 
 
 "The passions! — 'tis false, sir — they are not 
 what we used to call the passions — the passions arc- 
 phantoms — they have no existence except in the 
 brain of stupidity — they are the infamous incestu- 
 ous product of the vile system of education pursued 
 for the last six thousand years. There is no such 
 thing as passion — or I say, there should not, and 
 there would not, be such a thing, if it were not for 
 the rascally counteracting principles — you are a 
 blockhead, sir — and may go — where you please." 
 
 " It may be — but 1 am a perfect machine for all 
 that — nobody shall convince me to the contrary."* 
 
81 
 
 • % lou are a perfect ass," said my master, turn- 
 ing his back upon me in great wrath — " you are a 
 perfect ass — and the machinery of your upper 
 works is not worth a tobacco-stopper. I wonder 
 how I could make a tolerable cotton spinner ot 
 you." 
 
 This attack upon my perfectibility, nettled me a 
 good deal ; neither was I quite satisfied with my 
 master's definition of the counteracting principles. 
 I began to hang rather loose upon the establish- 
 ment; but am not sure I should have left it, but for 
 a " circumstance," which I consider the most un- 
 lucky that ever happened to me in my whole life. 
 
 It is time to remind you that I had once a father, 
 mother, brothers and sisters. The pursuit of per- 
 fectibility, with other important matters, has hith- 
 erto prevented my telling you that I lost them all, 
 one after the other, in the course of a few years. 
 My father— but I will not expose him— he died. 
 My mother did not long survive ; and my poor little 
 brothers and sisters dropt one after another, into 
 that yawning tomb prepared for their reception by 
 the glorious champions of productive labour. They 
 withered like so many poor ignoble little flowers, 
 shut out from air and sunshine— they waxed pale, 
 sickly, and yellow— they became stinted in growth^ 
 dry, flimsy, inactive— and at last incapable. One 
 after another they died away, as it were of no 
 other disease than that of the spinning jenney 
 
82 
 
 When I think of them now, the tears come into my 
 eyes, although it was so long ago ; but their fate at the 
 time made but little impression. I was too busy 
 attending upon the evolutions of the ever turning 
 wheel, the sole object of my earthly contempla- 
 tions. From long watching the eternal round of 
 the spinning jenney, its action became so impressed 
 on the pupil of my eyes, and its buzzing noise upon 
 the drum of my ear, that present or absent, sleep- 
 ing or waking, my brain retained no other image, 
 and bore no other impress but that. The wheel 
 was perpetually dancing before me; and as a man 
 after looking at the bright sun in the firmament, 
 tor a few moments, sees when he withdraws his 
 eyes a thousand orbs dancing before him, so did I 
 a thousand spinning jenneys. It was thus that my 
 natural feelings and nicer perceptions, died away 
 for want of exercise, and when I saw myself alone 
 in the world, by the death of all my family, I 
 tried to be sorry, but could comprehend nothing 
 distinctly but the spinning jenney. 
 
 About the time my master insulted me for not 
 properly comprehending the counteracting circum- 
 stances, and while I felt a little sore on the subject, 
 one of these diabolical villains was let loose upon 
 me before I was aware of it. News was brought 
 me that a person possessing a good estate in a dis- 
 tant part of the country, had died intestate, and 
 that after minute investigation it was found I was 
 
83 
 
 next heir to the whole of his property. I was 
 therefore regularly summoned to take possession. 
 Here was a " counteracting circumstance," as my 
 master called it, enough to make one's hair stand 
 on end — turn his whole New View of Society 
 wrong side outwards, and destroy the perfectibility 
 of man. 
 
 My views, perceptions, and opinions were for a 
 time changed, as if by magic. When I had no- 
 thing I was a great admirer of a community of 
 goods — now I was rich I turned up my nose at the 
 very idea of such an odd ridiculous notion, and 
 argued with my master on the subject with a de- 
 gree of independence at which he was quite asto- 
 nished. I offered to bet him a round sum to back my 
 opinions, and this was better than all his first princi- 
 ples put together. My master proposed to make 
 me treasurer, but as there was no common fund, 
 but what 1 might contribute, I resisted the tempt- 
 ing offer of being allowed to take care o£ my own 
 money, manfully. In an evil hour, I determined to 
 give up all the delights of perfectibility — to yield 
 to the force of the counteracting circumstance — 
 to follow the bent of the enlarged principle of social 
 self-love, and return to the great world again, to set 
 a good example and reform its abuses. Before I 
 went, I resigned mj r portion of the village, the land 
 and its improvements, to the remnant of the com- 
 munity that had laboured with me, after which I 
 
84 
 
 sallied forth, full of hopes, fears and anticipation- 
 of I knew not what. I remember the first thing 
 that alarmed me in my debut, was seeing two pigs 
 fighting, an atrocity which none of the orderly swine 
 brought up under the New View of Society ever 
 were guilty of while in a perfect state. They arc- 
 terribly under the influence of the counteracting 
 principles, said I, to a person who happened to be 
 near. 
 
 "Of what ?" said he, turning quick upon mc. 
 
 "Of the counteracting principles," said I. 
 
 " They are under the influence of passion." 
 said he. 
 
 " My dear sir, there are no such things as the 
 passions — they are nothing but circumstances." 
 
 " Who told you so ?" replied he, eyeing me with 
 a queer look, half surprised and half angry. 
 
 " My master — he can prove to you, by his pre- 
 cepts, if not by his example, that there are no such 
 things in his New View of Society, as passions. 
 They are nothing but circumstances and counter- 
 acting principles, as I said before." 
 
 " Tut," replied he — " 'tis only a new name for 
 an old thing — your master, whoever he is, may 
 call black white, or white black, yet that won't 
 alter the colour." 
 
 " 1 see you have never read the New View of 
 Society — you are suffering all the evils, miseries 
 and inconsistencies of that abominable system of 
 
education which has prevailed in the world for 
 ihe last six thousand years. You have ' been 
 taught crime from your youth,' as my master says, 
 and I dare affirm, will one day be unjustly sub- 
 jected to punishment for those very offences which 
 it was impossible you should not commit." 
 
 " Abominable system of education ! Taught 
 crime from my youth ! Punished for offences it 
 was impossible 1 should not commit ! What do 
 you mean, sir ?" cried he, in a passion. 
 
 " I mean," said I, with perfect politeness — 
 " I mean that it is more than an equal chance 
 that you will one day be hanged by the mere 
 ; force of circumstances' — as my master says." 
 
 Upon this the imperfect Man Machine unluckily 
 gave way to the rascally counteracting principles, 
 and came forward with an evident intention to 
 knock me down. 
 
 " I'll teach you to throw out reflections upon 
 me" — 
 
 "My dear Man xMachine— I meant no reflection, 
 — none in the world — if you should happen to be 
 hanged it will not be your fault — it will be the 
 fault of your education, for which you are no more 
 accountable than for your subsequent actions. If 
 any body deserves to be hanged, it is your father 
 and mother, who brought you up in a profound 
 ignorance of the 'counteracting principles,' and 
 8 
 
that delightful self-love, which is the basis of all 
 social happiness." 
 
 " My good friend," replied he, in a tone of con- 
 tempt — " you arc either a fool or a madman — I 
 can't tell which." 
 
 " I am a philosopher." 
 
 " The difference is not much now-a-days," 
 quoth he — and coolly turned away. 
 
 As 1 proceeded on my way to take possession of 
 my estate, I every moment discovered that I had got 
 into a new world, where I was a fish out of water. 
 Every thing seemed at sixes and sevens — and there 
 was a horrible freedom of will and of action that 
 kept me in perpetual trepidation — neither man 
 nor beast seemed to pay the least attention to 
 the sublime precepts of the New View of Society. 
 In our establishment there was a perfect equality 
 — except that no person was permitted to have a 
 voice in choosing the committee of management, 
 unless he was worth a hundred pounds.* There 
 was also a perfect freedom of action — except 
 that the committee regulated the employment of 
 every member " consistently with the public 
 good."t In short, there was a regularity — a 
 beautiful monotonv. like the ticking of a clock. 
 
 * See New View of Society, Constitution. 
 t Ibid, tor similar regulations. 
 
o*7 
 
 or the evolutions of a spinning jcnney — aien, wo- 
 men, and children — pigs, ducks, geese and chick- 
 ens — hogs, dogs, horses, cows, oxen, sheep and 
 asses — there seemed scarcely any perceptible dif- 
 ference between them — the instinct of the one 
 seemed quite equal to the reason of the other — 
 and if there was any difference, it was in favour 
 of honest instinct. The committee of manage- 
 ment constituted the great moving principle, 
 which set the whole machinery of the establish- 
 ment going — they were the steam to the engine. 
 I should do injustice to one of the most perfect 
 machines I ever saw, if I neglected to mention in 
 this place, a most sagacious donkey, whose spe- 
 cial vocation it was to carry water. He would go to 
 the well and return with his load as regularly as a 
 Man Machine, and that too without a driver. But 
 no reasoning, no violence, no first principles, could 
 make him go one step beyond the well, or carry a 
 single load after the hour of twelve. He knew as 
 well as any Man Machine, when the clock struck 
 twelve, and whenever it was attempted to make 
 him take another trip to the well, the " counter- 
 acting principle" became invincible. What more 
 could we expect from your boasted rational ani- 
 mals ? 
 
 But the world into which I had got, was a me- 
 lancholy contrast to this perfect system. Every 
 man seemed to be actually in some measure go- 
 
88 
 
 veined, and impelled by his own will, and of com - 
 every man took his own way. Every one chose 
 his own occupation, without consulting, or being 
 directed by a committee of management, which by 
 relieving the community from the labour of think- 
 ing for itself, leaves every one at full liberty to 
 do nothing — but labour for the joint benefit of 
 others. As with the biped so with the quadruped 
 machines. Not one of them seemed to know its 
 place as in my master's establishment; each ram- 
 bled and fed, apparently where it liked, and so it 
 performed its appropriate task, or answered its des- 
 tined end, was allowed every other species of free- 
 dom. The worst of it was, that though I could not 
 help pitying and despising all of them in a lump, I 
 was provoked to see them look a hundred times 
 happier and more sprightly than my master's two 
 legged, and four legged machines. The men whist- 
 led and the women sung at their work — the little 
 children laughed and shouted in a most unseemly 
 manner amid their unregulated gambols, where 
 they sometimes fought and squabbled horribly. 
 Their happiness was unaccountable — and could 
 only proceed from an utter ignorance of my mas- 
 ter's New View of Society. If they could only 
 read that, thought I, they would go near to destroy 
 themselves. The poor creatures little anticipated, 
 that probably two thirds of them would live to be 
 hanged or otherwise punished, only for committing 
 
89 
 
 crimes actually forced upon them by the erroneous 
 system of education inflicted on mankind for the 
 last six thousand years. But the greatest enor- 
 mity I saw, was an ox who seemed so particularly 
 delighted with the liberty he enjoyed of doing as he 
 pleased for a little while, that he actually cut a ca- 
 per that would have scandalized all the sober ma- 
 chines of my master's establishment. I could not 
 help drawing a contrast between the gaiety I now 
 saw, and the philosophic ennui, which at all times 
 displayed itself in our establishment, and which in- 
 creased with every advance to perfection. 
 These impressions and reflections, however insen- 
 sibly, gave place to others, as I gradually approach- 
 ed towards my new home, where I at length arrived 
 without any material accident. It was a retired 
 spot, in a remote county — pleasantly situated, and 
 within two miles of a little town. The old servants 
 of the late owner received me with attentive re- 
 spect, and conducted me to a room where dinner 
 was served up in handsome style. I asked them if 
 they had dined, and on their replying in the nega- 
 tive, invited them to sit down with me. They at 
 first thought I was joking — but on my peremptorily 
 insisting upon it, they sat down with awkward embar- 
 rassment. It was plain to me they never had read 
 the New View of Society — and knew nothing of 
 the community of goods — the perfect equality — the 
 incapacity of the Man Machine to govern his opi- 
 
90 
 
 nions Or actions — the horrible system of education 
 of the last six thousand years — the divine impulse 
 or circumstance of self-love, and the counteracting 
 principles. Here was a fine field for the applica- 
 tion of my master's theory. 
 
 I resolved to lose no time, and as soon as dinner 
 was over, began by laying down the first principles 
 of the New View. I taught them that man was a 
 machine, and might be governed like all other 
 pieces Df machinery — that as men were taught 
 crime by the very education they received, there 
 was no necessity nor even justice in inflicting pun- 
 ishment — that from the beginning of the world to 
 the present time, all men had been erroneously 
 trained, and hence all the inconsistencies and 
 misery of mankind — that a man's will has no con- 
 trol over his opinions nor his actions, so far as they 
 are influenced by those opinions — that as all crimes 
 originated in an erroneous education over which 
 we had no control, we could not be justly ac- 
 countable for them, either in the sight of God or 
 man — that self-love was the prime source of all 
 virtue and happiness — that man was a machine 
 having naturally no passions but what are instilled 
 into him by an abominable system of education — 
 that he is capable of perfectibility — and that 
 nothing stands in the way of it but the rascally 
 counteracting principles. These doctrines I re- 
 peated every day, until my people got them by 
 
91 
 
 heart and could repeat them. Nay, I put them in 
 the form of a catechism, which' I heard every 
 Sunday, instead of sending them to church to hear 
 the parson " dogmatize/' I put in force a number 
 of my master's regulations, and adopted his system 
 in all its material parts, having no doubt that in a 
 reasonable time, I should produce a great reform in 
 my household. And so I should without doubt, but 
 for my masters old enemies, some of whom fol- 
 lowed me into my retirement, and were as busy 
 as ever in counteracting our plans for the perfecti- 
 bility of the Man Machine. 
 
 My establishment consisted of an old house- 
 keeper, with whom I had more trouble than with 
 all the rest put together. She had long reigned 
 mistress, and master too, of the house — for I have 
 been credibly informed, that my predecessor, an 
 old bachelor, was more afraid of her than my mas- 
 ter was of the counteracting principles. Indeed, 
 my experience has long since taught me, that it is 
 no way of escaping the tyranny of the sex to re- 
 main single. I never yet saw an old bachelor 
 that was not sooner or later most awfully henpeck- 
 ed by some bitter old, or sweet young housekeeper, 
 nurse, cook, or bed-maker. Mistress Jeannie, as 
 she was called, was one of the very pillars of aris- 
 tocracy. She could not bear the sight of your 
 " ruff scruff," as she called them, and disliked your 
 poor people inordinately. The pedigrees of all 
 
92 
 
 around, far and near, were known to her a thousand 
 times better than at the herald's office, and Lyon, 
 King at Arms, was a fool to her in genealogy. You 
 could tell the antiquity of a family by the cour- 
 tesy she made to its representative at church. In 
 short she had been used to the exercise of power ; 
 and held herself considerably above the majority 
 around her — two of the great counteracting prin- 
 ciples, in the way of reform. It will always be 
 found, I fear, that the desire, or the abhorrence of 
 a system of equality, entirely depends upon the 
 question, whether it will raise or depress us in the 
 scale of society. 
 
 The other members of my establishment, were a 
 steward, or manager, a shrewd, wary Scotsman, of 
 whom it was said that he paid much attention to 
 the affairs of his master, and much more to his 
 own. He was supposed to be considerably under 
 the influence of the counteracting principles — 
 something of a hypocrite, and a little more of a 
 rogue. His name was Macnab, and he prided -him- 
 self upon what he was pleased to call his Celtic 
 origin. There was a footman, a coachman, stable 
 boy, and one or two others of miscellaneous occu- 
 pation, together with two maids, one of whom was 
 no beauty, and the other had as much vanity and 
 affectation as a dutchess of three tails. Rather 
 unpromising machines for perfectibility, thought I — 
 but what of that? I have no doubt, as my master 
 
93 
 
 affirms* that any character may be given to a com- 
 munity, or to the world at large, by means which 
 are at the command of those who influence human 
 affairs.* 
 
 Much to my satisfaction, I discovered in a little 
 time, that my people glided with perfect ease into the 
 New System of Society, so far as respected their in- 
 tercourse with me. They set down at meals at the 
 same table, with me, and so far from displaying any 
 awkward embarrassment, or making any sacrifices 
 of appetite in consideration of my authority, they 
 made a point of helping themselves to the choice 
 bits on all occasions. This was promising, and I 
 had little doubt of ultimate success, when all at 
 once the villainous counteracting principles made 
 their appearance, and hatched a plot against me 
 that had well nigh overturned my New System. 
 
 The first was the counteracting principle of 
 insubordination. My steward, the Celtic Macnab, 
 began to demur most sturdily to my directions — 
 insisting that as we were upon a perfect equality, 
 in all other respects, he, as the person that had 
 most experience in these matters, ought to have 
 the sole superintendence of the agricultural part 
 of the system. On my demurring to this, he 
 turned away without ceremony, muttering some 
 
 * See New View of Society for similar doctrines. 
 
94 
 
 tiling exceedingly disrespectful tcr spinning jennies 
 and machinery. He then went to honest Mur- 
 doch the ploughman, a brave Kilkenny boy as ever 
 broke heads for amusement, and directed him to 
 plow a certain field for the purpose of planting 
 ruta baga. 
 
 " Ruta what ?" quoth Murdoch. 
 
 " Turnips," said Macnab. 
 
 " The divil burn such articles as turnips, say I." 
 
 "But you must plant them for all that." 
 
 " Must — must, did you say ? That for you Mac- 
 nab," cried Murdoch, snapping his fingers — " there 
 is no must here in the New Jerusalem. Turnips ! 
 — faugh! — would you set an Irishman planting tur- 
 nips when there is such a ting as the beautiful pa- 
 late, in the land of the living. Divil burn me Mac- 
 nab, if I plant a turnip if you christen them by the 
 name of the best saint in the calendar." 
 
 " But I say you must and shall — an't I the mana- 
 ger ? You forget yourself, Mr. Murdoch." 
 
 " Faith, Macnab, you're out there — I'm just 
 beginning to remember myself. You manager ! — 
 take notice, ye old Celtic dried up mushroom, there 
 is to be no manager or management here — our 
 master — that is to say, our instructor, for all other 
 master's I disdain — has satisfied me that we have 
 nothing to do with making our own opinions — now 
 my opinion is decidedly in favour of planting pata- 
 tees — and if I am wrong you will please put it down 
 
95 
 
 to tiie errors of my education — patatees for ever! 
 ye old worn out Man Machine," cried Murdoch, 
 throwing up his hat — " huzza for patatees !" 
 
 " I say turnips," vociferated Macnab. 
 
 "And I say" patatees," vociferated Murdoch. 
 " If I plant any thing but patatees, may they rise up 
 and ate me, instead of my ating them." 
 
 Macnab was on the point of referring the matter 
 to me, when he recollected that tb's would be ac- 
 knowledging my authority. So he gave up to Mur- 
 doch, who planted his potatoes in triumph. 
 
 One day I desired my coachman to get up the 
 horses, for a ride to the neighbouring village. But 
 he declined the motion, observing that the princi- 
 ple of self-love, which I had convinced him was the 
 groundwork of all happiness, prompted him to go 
 in the carriage himself, having made a party with 
 the pretty chambermaid to the fair. Accordingly, 
 he went to the stables and ordered out the horses. 
 The stable boy demurred ; it appears he also had 
 made a party to the fair, and would not give up 
 to the coachman. The counteracting principles 
 waxed warm within them — they incontinently fell 
 together by the ears, and battered each other till 
 the Man Machine was terribly disarranged. 
 
 The inside of my house was in a worse state if 
 possible, than the outside. There was the mischief to 
 pay among the Women Machines. The authority 
 of the old housekeeper fell to the ground — and her 
 
96 
 
 long established system of domestic economy was 
 assailed by the whole force of the New View of So- 
 ciety. The Women Machines in fact carried my 
 master's first principles to such an extreme that 
 Ihey actually degenerated into the counteracting 
 principles, and went over to the enemy. The prin- 
 ciple of perfect equality, in their hands became 
 self-willed disobedience — the principle of a com- 
 munity of goods, became the counteracting princi- 
 ple of helping themselves to whatever they wanted 
 — and the great fundamental principle of self-love 
 became anti-social, by the prevalence of my mas- 
 ter's grand counteracting principle of the centri- 
 petal attraction. In short, there was one eternal 
 squabble in the house, and poor Jeannie, who had 
 never throughly come over to the principle of uni- 
 versal equality in all things, almost fell a victim to 
 the sublime doctrine of perfectibility. Half the 
 time I had no dinner cooked, and was obliged to lie 
 in an unmade bed, owing to the predominating in- 
 fluence of the counteracting principles. 
 
 " O ! man, man !" I sometimes exclaimed in 
 despair — and more emphatically-r^'" O ! woman, 
 woman ! — after all 1 fear that thou art nothing but 
 a bundle of counteracting principles. But perse- 
 verance does wonders. My master certainly 
 made Men Machines perfect at one time—I will 
 not despair." 
 
97 
 
 With this resolution I set about a reform, as 
 speedily as possible, for to say the truth, I found 
 that if we went on in this way much longer, I should 
 be obliged either to take up money or starve. Sav- 
 ing honest Murdoch's potatoes, our crop this year 
 was nothing. It really appeared, that owing to some 
 misunderstanding or misapplication of my masters 
 first principles, that his perfect system of equality, 
 resulted in making every body dependent exclu- 
 sively upon the person whose duty it was to per- 
 form the particular office required. Thus I was 
 entirely at the mercy of my cook for a dinner — 
 my coachman for a ride — and my housemaids for a 
 new-made bed. This I was satisfied must be the 
 work of the counteracting principles. I will set 
 about counteracting them forthwith. 
 
 I called these refractory Machines together and 
 lectured them on the spirit of insubordination, 
 paying at the same time proper respect to the 
 principle of equality. I told them that equality 
 was, after all, not the entire absence of every spe- 
 cies of inequality, but such an equality as was 
 consistent with a due spirit of subordination — that 
 a community of goods, did not mean the right of 
 helping ourselves to just what we wanted — that 
 the sublime principle of self-love, was not the love 
 of self, but of society — and that the idea of a man 
 not being accountable for his opinions and actions, 
 only meant to apply to those opinions he might 
 9 
 
93 
 
 indulge, and those actions he might commit, with 
 a due regard to the laws and customs of society. 
 
 " Och murder," roared Murdoch — " Och mur- 
 der and Irish — our teacher has gone over to the 
 counteracting principles. Uivil burn the New 
 System of Society, say I ; it is nothing but the old 
 one in disguise after all." 
 
 Here it will be perceived that the counteracting 
 principles carried the Man Machine, Murdoch, 
 from one extreme to the other. The moment I 
 talked to him of restraining one of my master's 
 first principles, he and all the rest of them imme- 
 diately protested that I abandoned my whole sys- 
 tem. I was almost tempted to believe that if man 
 was a machine, it must be a pendulum, which 
 never stops, except at extremes, until it ceases 
 its motion entirely. 
 
 Thus it happened with the machines of my esta- 
 blishment. 1 could never get them to stop at the 
 right place. The villanous counteracting princi- 
 ples, were always tugging at the skir(s of the men, 
 and the petticoats of the women, now pulling them 
 over the line this way, and now that, from one side 
 to the other, to the total disarrangement of my 
 plans, and the downfall of perfectibility. As I 
 proceeded to qualify the application of my master's 
 great fundamental principles, they all held up their 
 hands, and raised their voices against such un- 
 heard of restraints in a perfect system of. society. 
 
99 
 
 " Arrah !" exclaimed orator Murdoch — " here's a 
 pretty kettle of fresh fish all turned salt. Here's 
 a pretty attack on the perfectibility of man. 
 Here's splitting of hairs and philosophising people 
 out of their liberty. I'm for none of his wishey- 
 washey, half-and-half equality, and community. 
 Neck or nothing with Murdoch. By St. Patrick, 
 who set all the sarpents and frogs free from old 
 Ireland, I'd rather be a slave outright, than^not 
 be as free as a mother Carey's chicken. By J — s," 
 added he, after a pause — "let's vote him down. 
 Here's six of us, each equal to him — six to one — all 
 hollow — vote him down — vote him down — huzza 
 for the first principles, and let every one do as 
 they please." 
 
 The counteracting principles carried all before 
 them — the resolution passed by acclamation, and I 
 found myself in the situation of a man, who in get- 
 ting through a wall, has made a hole which he can't 
 stop again for his life. Still I did not despair, be- 
 ing positively certain that my master had at one 
 time succeeded* in making Men Machines per- 
 fect, and that what had been done might be done 
 again. I determined to discharge my present ma- 
 chines as incorrigible, and collect a new set, 
 younger, and less under the influence of the coun- 
 teracting circumstances. Calling them together, I 
 announced my intention of dismissing them, on the. 
 score of their not comprehending my master's first 
 
100 
 
 principles. But an unexpected difficulty present- 
 ed itself, in the shape of a counteracting principle 
 as usual. 
 
 Not one of them would go, unless I consented to 
 make a fairdivision of the common property. With 
 the exception of the old housekeeper, who sighed 
 for the restoration of her ancient dominion over the 
 household, I was deserted by all. They clamoured 
 for a division of property, although I tried to 
 convince them, that as they had not contributed 
 any thing to the common fund, but had spent twice 
 as much as they earned, they were entitled to no- 
 thing. 
 
 " Och, then, he denies the sublime principle of 
 equality," cried Murdoch — " he has fallen from 
 the state of perfectibility. My sweet ones, what 
 say you — let's vote him out — let's banish him the 
 community as an outlaw — a white boy — an imper- 
 fect machine — a traitorous adherent to those dia- 
 bolical villains the counteracting principles." 
 
 Murdoch's motion was carried without opposi- 
 tion, except from the housekeeper, and yield- 
 ing to the force of the counteracting principles, I 
 quietly went into banishment at the neighbouring 
 village. Thus I found to my no small astonish- 
 ment, that the operation of my master's first prin- 
 ciples, being somehow or other got under by the 
 force of the counteracting principles, had actually 
 turned me out of my inheritance. 
 
101 
 
 I have said nothing of the Celtic Macnab of late. 
 The truth is, he seemed to join but little in these 
 revolutionary proceedings. He was generally 
 either busy or affecting to be busy elsewhere, 
 and kept himself perfectly quiet. It will be seen 
 anon what he was about all this while. At the 
 village, 1 was waited upon by the minister of the 
 parish, who, hearing of my situation, came to offer 
 me advice and consolation. He advised me to ap- 
 peal to the laws for redress. I shook my head — 
 
 " That would be giving up my system entirely." 
 
 " What system, I pray ?" asked the old man. 
 
 " The system of perfectibility, as exemplified in 
 my master's New View of Society." 
 
 " So then, you believe in the perfectibility of 
 man ?" 
 
 " Certainly — I believe that if the Man Machine 
 was only freed from that erroneous system of edu- 
 cation which has prevailed for the last six thousand 
 years — and could escape the influence of the coun- 
 teracting principles — he would almost as a matter 
 of course, become a perfect Machine — as perfect 
 as a steam engine." 
 
 The good man shook his head, and smiled a me- 
 lancholy smile — 
 
 " So then, you intend to put up with this 
 wrong, and refrain not only from claiming your 
 rights, but from punishing those who have in- 
 vaded them ?" , 
 
 9* 
 
102 
 
 :; Certainly — I hold that as all the miseries, in- 
 consistencies, and crimes of the Man Machine, 
 proceed from the errors of his early education, 
 over which he can have no control, it follows as a 
 matter of course, that he ought not to be punished 
 for them. He can no more help them, than a ma- 
 chine constructed upon false principles, can help 
 going wrong." 
 
 " And you seriously believe the world has been 
 going wrong ever since the creation, and that you 
 are destined at last to set it going right." 
 
 " I and my master." 
 
 " O ! the inordinate pride of human nature," 
 quoth the old man, shaking his white locks. 
 
 " Pooh ! — there is no such thing as human nature, 
 or any other kind of nature. Nature is nonsense 
 — an absurdity, a phantom, conjured up by folly 
 and prejudice. Man, sir, is a machine — you might 
 as well talk of the nature, the passions, the innate- 
 impulses, of a spinning jenney, as of a man." 
 
 " Your principles go to the complete disorgani- 
 zation of the present system of society." 
 
 " To be sure they do — and that is exactly what 
 I conceive constitutes their peculiar excellence. 
 The whole system is radically wrong, and I and my 
 master mean to set it right if we can only baffle 
 those scoundrels the counteracting principles, and 
 evade the force of circumstances." 
 
105 
 
 " But what is there so very wrong in the present 
 system, that you wish to overturn it ?" 
 
 " In the first place — people are actually taught 
 crime, and then punished for it by the operation of 
 an unjust system of laws. Now, sir, in order to 
 remedy these crying evils, I would first put the 
 judge in place of the criminal and hang him, to a 
 certainty. Then I would abolish the whole system 
 of punishments, as unjust and unnecessary — for 
 nothing can be plainer, than that as all crimes and 
 errors proceed from an erroneous system of educa- 
 tion, it is idle and cruel at the same time, to make 
 laws for their punishment." 
 
 " Then — to return to the point — you mean to 
 leave these people in possession of your estate." 
 " I must — or abandon my system." 
 " Your estate is worth a dozen such systems." 
 " For shame, sir — do you value a few paltry 
 acres more than the perfectibility of the Man Ma- 
 chine. I never saw a machine so completely un- 
 der the influence of the counteracting principles, 
 as you are." 
 
 We had many similar conversations, all ending in 
 the same unsatisfactory manner. In the mean time, 
 my honest friend, the Celtic Macnab, was quietly 
 maturing a plan to arrest in the most effectual man- 
 ner, the perfectibility of man, so far as it depended 
 upon myself. He had represented me to the pro- 
 per authorities as a mischievous madman, going 
 
104 
 
 about propagating principles that struck at the 
 whole existing institutions of society — an enemy to 
 property, order and religion. He further stated 
 that I was totally incapable of managing my estate, 
 and that it was the duty of the commission to ap- 
 point an administrator to take it out of the hands 
 of my domestics, who had possession, and were 
 wasting -it as fast as they could. 
 
 In pursuance of this information, I was unex- 
 pectedly taken into custody, and carried before a 
 commission, to undergo ah examination.* Mac- 
 nab stated shortly what I have heretofore detailed 
 to the reader, and I was called on for an explana- 
 tion of the motives of my conduct. I detailed in 
 the clearest manner, the first principles of the New 
 View of Society, and stated the grand objects my 
 master and I had in view, in thus attempting to 
 overturn the whole system of the world. I never 
 was so eloquent before or since. But the machines 
 constituting the commission of inquiry were sadly 
 out of order, and the vile counteracting principles 
 were too strong for my arguments. They pro- 
 nounced me mad, although 1 proved to them that a 
 man could not possibly be made accountable for 
 his opinions, and appointed honest Macnab ad- 
 ministrator to my estate. 
 
 I was carried to a neighbouring city and placed 
 in a lunatic asyium. I made no resistance, for I 
 was satisfied they could not place me among a set 
 
105 
 
 of people more mad than those I had just left. 
 Nay, a sudden hope dawned upon me, that I 
 might possibly in time introduce my New System 
 of Society among the machines of the asylum. 
 Accordingly, one day when all the most quiet and 
 manageable among us were amusing ourselves in 
 the enclosure appointed for that purpose, I took an 
 opportunity of laying down my master's first prin- 
 ciples. Contrary to my expectations there was a 
 decided opposition to the principle of equality, as 
 well as that of a community of goods. 
 
 " Shall I, who am Alexander the great, sink to a 
 level with Alexander the coppersmith ?" cried one. 
 
 " Shall I, who have written verses, ten thousand 
 times superior to Milton, or Homer, twaddle arm 
 in arm through Grub-street with Croly and Mrs. 
 Hemans ?" cried another. 
 
 " And shall I, who have made the Apocalypse 
 as clear as noonday, grovel on the same level 
 with the expounder of a Chinese puzzle ?" exclaim- 
 ed a third. 
 
 " And shall I, who have demonstrated the grand 
 principle of perpetual motion, acknowledge an 
 equality with a mere inventor of steam engines V' 
 roared a fourth. 
 
 " And shall I, who have completed a canal to 
 connect the Icy Sea with the North Pole, degenerate 
 into an equality with an Irish ditcher ?" roared 
 a fifth. 
 
106 
 
 "And shall I, who have invented a New System 
 of Society, to supersede law, gospel, crime and 
 punishment, he placed on the same shelf, with 
 such fellows as Moses, Solon, Peter the Great, Na- 
 poleon Bonaparte, and Jeremy Bentham ?" roared 
 a sixth. 
 
 You are the man for my money, thought I. I will 
 make you treasurer of the Society, which I have 
 observed is always the favourite office of great re- 
 formers and philanthropists. I could almost have 
 persuaded myself that this was my master speaking, 
 but it proved to be a poor fellow, who in the sequel 
 demonstrated that he had not above half his discre- 
 tion. Before I could proceed to enforce my doc- 
 trines by some of my master's best arguments, the 
 counteracting principles began to play away finely. 
 The indignation of the whole party fell upon me, 
 whom they looked upon as a leveller, a democrat, 
 a radical, who wished to deprive them of their just 
 claims to superiority. 
 
 Alexander the Great seized Perpetual Motion by 
 his thin spindle leg, with which he proceeded to 
 serve me as he had done old Clytus, and run me 
 through with his javelin. The poet thundered 
 forth an anathema, that beat that of Ernulphus, or 
 even one of lord Byron's curses, quite hollow — the 
 expounder of the Apocalypse pronounced me the 
 beast with seven heads and ten horns — the law- 
 giver proceeded to a breach of his own laws, by 
 
107 
 
 * 
 
 knocking me on the head with a corn-stalk — 
 the internal improvement man threatened to make 
 me read all that had ever been written on the sub- 
 ject — and the champion of the New System, for- 
 feited all claim to the office I had destined for him, 
 by seizing me by the collar, and demanding whether 
 I dared to question the eternal truth, that no man 
 was justly accountable for his opinions. 
 
 The uproar brought out the keepers, who having 
 traced its origin in the promulgation of my New 
 System of Society, immediately placed me in soli- 
 tary confinement. Here I had full leisure to re- 
 flect, and to mature my plans for the perfectibility 
 of mankind. What a world is this, thought I, and 
 to what has it been brought by the erroneous sys- 
 tem of the last six thousand years ! It has 1 fear 
 entirely unfitted mankind for any thing like a state 
 of perfectibility. Neither men in their senses, nor 
 men out of their senses are willing to adopt the 
 New System, which seems like the unlucky tailor's 
 coat that fitted nobody. I had many tight .argu- 
 ments with the keeper who had me in charge, and 
 who was sadly under the influence of the counter- 
 acting principles. I could never convince him 
 that the world had been going completely wrong 
 ever since the creation, that all mankind were in 
 error, and my master alone right. He insisted the 
 first was a reflection upon Providence, and that it 
 was entirely contrary to reason that one man should 
 
108 
 
 be so much wiser than all the rest put together. I 
 have indeed observed that reason is always in the 
 way of us great reformers, and have often heard 
 my master say, it was one of the strongest counter- 
 acting principles he had to deal with. There was 
 another obstacle always in his way, which he call- 
 ed a " circumstance," namely, the experience of 
 mankind, which my master swore, was the most 
 obstinate blockhead in the world. 
 
 I remained in this state of solitary abstraction 
 for about a month, during which my enthusiasm in 
 behalf of the New System of Society somewhat aba- 
 ted. I had all the zeal in the world, but had no am- 
 bition to become a martyr. At the end of the month, 
 the visitor, a benevolent physician, came to examine 
 into the cases of these unfortunate beings. He visit- 
 ed me, and we had a long conversation, in which I 
 ?tudiously abstained from the doctrines of the New 
 System of Society. I considered that no man was 
 bound to sacrifice himself to a theory ; and that at 
 all events, I could do nothing to propagate the per- 
 fectibility of man, while thus shut up from all com- 
 munion with my fellow creatures. It was impos- 
 sible to reform society, from the inside of a mad- 
 house. The doctor was surprised at my rationali- 
 ty, and seemed inclined to report me as being per- 
 fectly restored, when, unfortunately, happening to 
 differ with him in some point, I apologized, by ob- 
 serving, that no man was accountable for his opi- 
 nions or actions in this world. 
 
109 
 
 "Good day, my friend," replied the doctor, bow- 
 ing almost to the ground, with great gravity — " 1 
 am afraid you are not quite cured yet," and away 
 he went. I could have bit off my tongue, and made 
 a solemn resolution not to say a single syllable 
 about the Man Machine — the perfectibility of man 
 — the counteracting circumstances, or any such 
 matters, the next time the doctor came. 
 
 At the end of a month the visitor came again, 
 and I conducted myself with such discretion that 
 he immediately procured an order from the trus- 
 tees of the asylum for my release. The keeper, as 
 he bade me farewell, warned me against perfecti- 
 bility, and I was very near being shut up again for 
 cautioning him against the counteracting principles. 
 Without losing any time I bent my steps towards 
 my estate with a design of bringing the Celtic Mac- 
 nab to a reckoning, for procuring me to be shut up 
 in a mad-house. When, however, I came to recol- 
 lect, that all the errors, inconsistencies, vices and 
 crimes of the Man Machine originated in his being 
 set going wrong at first by an erroneous system of 
 education, and that he could not in strict justice be 
 called to account for his opinions or actions, I de- 
 termined to treat him in the most friendly man- 
 ner. We accordingly had an amicable meeting, 
 in which, in discussing the subject of the New 
 View of Society, he observed, that the old world 
 was not the proper sphere for trying the experi- 
 10 
 
110 
 
 mcnt. Old habits, old errors, and old establish- 
 ments, were difficult to change, or pull down. It 
 was in the wide space of the new world, where 
 there was plenty of elbow-room to give it a fair 
 trial, and where habits, manners and opinions had 
 not attained to that rigidity of muscle which renders 
 them unalterable, that it was undoubtedly destined 
 the experiment should completely triumph. He 
 also casually mentioned that my old master, had 
 already made arrangements for the grand experi- 
 ment, and had sailed for the new world. 
 
 I caught at the idea — and after some little dis- 
 cussion, such was my impatience to follow my mas- 
 ter, agreed with Macnab to leave him in quiet pos- 
 session, for a sum of money which hardly amounted 
 to two years' purchase. It was a good estate, 
 although my people, yielding to the force of the 
 counteracting principles, had dilapidated it sadly. 
 Macnab had turned them all out except the old 
 housekeeper, who still maintained her rank and her 
 authority. I know not what became of the rest, 
 only that orator Murdoch took a trip to Botany Bay, 
 for acting too largely upon my master's grand prin- 
 ciple of a community of goods. I went to bid the 
 good old parson farewell. 
 
 " You are going on a wild goose chase," said he. 
 
 "Yes — but people sometimes catch wild geese." 
 
 " Much oftener than perfectibility." 
 
 "Aye — aye," said I, good humouredly — "you 
 
Ill 
 
 parsons can't bear the idea of perfectibility, because 
 it would put down your calling." 
 
 He answered my smile — 
 
 "Well, go thy ways for an odd Man Machine. 
 Thou wilt one day discover that Providence is wiser 
 than thou art — Farewell. Tell me how you get 
 on in the new world — when your community be- 
 comes quite perfect, send for me. I will come to 
 show you, that we parsons are not afraid of per- 
 fectibility." 
 
 As I was going away he called me back — 
 
 "Stay, friend Perfectibility," said he, merrily. 
 " Thou mayest want some person to certify for thee 
 in the new world, that thou art not quite as mad as 
 a March hare. I will give thee a letter to an Ame- 
 rican, formerly a fellow student of mine at Edin- 
 burgh, who wiil befriend thee if necessary." 
 
 He then sat down, and in a few minutes finished 
 a letter, which he gave me, directed to Mr. Robert 
 Ashley, at Bristol, Pennsylvania. 
 
 Full of anticipations, I went down to a neigh- 
 bouring seaport, and embarked for the new world, 
 where I arrived after a short passage without any 
 accident or evetit worth recording. During the 
 passage, I had some conversations on the New View 
 of Society, with an old sailor, who I attempted to 
 bring over to my master's theory. At last, how- 
 ever, he cut me short by "D g his eyes if he 
 
 believed there was any way to make a man perfect, 
 except by making a perfect sailor of him." 
 
112 
 
 J here was, however, a fellow passenger on board, 
 who I found to be more reasonable, and less under 
 the dominion of the counteracting principles. We 
 had frequent discussions on the subject, and I open- 
 ed to him all my plans without reserve, not omitting 
 the sum of money I had with me, to invest in the 
 perfect community. He became a complete con- 
 vert to the New View of Society, and we agreed to 
 co-operate zealously in the great work of perfecti- 
 bility. We went to live at the same lodgings., 
 where we digested a plan of operations for the 
 future. The second day after landing, he came to 
 me, to say that by a great piece of ill luck, the 
 merchant on whom he had a credit for a large sum. 
 was out of town, and could not supply him with 
 funds. 
 
 " But I should not have minded that so much," 
 said he, " except that another merchant to whom 1 
 am indebted in part of this money, insists on my 
 paying him immediately. Now all I want is for 
 you to advance me the sum, till the day after 
 to-morrow, when the person on whom my bills 
 arc drawn will be in town." 
 
 He offered to show me the bills, but on se- 
 cond thoughts, had left them with the merchant's 
 clerk. The sum he wanted was nearly all I was 
 worth in the world, but I lent it with as little 
 hesitation as my friend borrowed it. He then left 
 me to go and pay the debt he spoke of, desiring 
 
113 
 
 me to have dinner ready at four o'clock, when 
 he would certainly be back. But four came, 
 without my friend, and hour after hour passed 
 without his appearing. The dinner grew cold, 
 for I had no inclination to eat — not that I was 
 uneasy about my money, but my friend. I was 
 afraid that his simplicity had been imposed on, 
 or that like me he might have been mistaken for 
 a mad-man, and put in a lunatic asylum. A week 
 passed away without my seeing him, during which 
 time the remainder of my money had disappeared 
 also. I began to grow uneasy — and one day took 
 a solitary walk, in the environs of the city, to re- 
 flect on my situation, and ponder on the mysteri- 
 ous disappearance of my friend. What was my 
 joy, on turning round a short corner, to meet him 
 face to face when I least expected. I was re- 
 joiced to see him, but I cannot say that he ap- 
 peared to share my raptures. 
 
 " My dear Man Machine," cried I, " I am so 
 delighted to meet you again — I was afraid they 
 had put you in a mad-house, for believing in per- 
 fectibility. By the way — I have spent every far- 
 thing of my money and will thank you to let me 
 have what I lent you." 
 
 " What, in a community where all things are to 
 be in common ? You forget the New View of So- 
 ciety," said lie, with a sort of sneer ijdid not like. 
 10* 
 
114 
 
 • ; \ es, but the system you know is not yet in 
 operation." 
 
 " No matter, the principles on which it is found- 
 ed are eternal and immutable, sir. If a communi- 
 ty of goods is right in one case, it is right in an- 
 other. Your money is gone." 
 
 " You don't say so," said I, in great dismay. 
 
 "Gone, sir — 1 have considered myself as acting 
 up to the sublime principles of the New System, by 
 distributing it among the community, upon the just 
 basis of mutual wants, and mutual conveniences. 
 The tailor has some of it — the jeweller — the hat- 
 ter — the tavern keeper — has each his share — 
 but the last guineas went for a couple of dozen 
 Bingham wine, which would do your heart good 
 even to smell at. You shall come this blessed day, 
 and help crack a bottle — hey ! my fine piece of 
 perfectibility!" 
 
 " So then, you have spent all my money?" 
 
 " Your money ? my dear friend, you again forget 
 the sublime doctrines of the New System of Society* 
 You have only to consider each of these persons 
 who have received a share of your money, as mem- 
 bers of our community, and you will acknowledge 
 lliat it could not possibly belong to you." 
 
 " I believe you are a great rascal." 
 
 " My dear friend, how can you make that out ?" 
 
 " You have cheated me of my money." 
 
 " My good friend, you are certainly under the do- 
 
115 
 
 minion of the counteracting principles, if ever a 
 man was in this world. But suppose, for the sake 
 of argument, that I had defrauded you of your mo- 
 ney. What then — am I to blame ?" 
 
 " Who else in the name of common sense ?" 
 
 " Don't mention common sense, 1 beseech you — 
 it has nothing to do with the New System of Socie- 
 ty. We must try the question by our great mas- 
 ter's first principles." 
 
 " Agreed." 
 
 " Well then, can you deny that all the errors, in- 
 consistencies, and crimes of the Man Machine, for 
 the last six thousand years, may be traced in a di- 
 rect line to the absurd and mischievous system of 
 education which has prevailed all that time." 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Very well — and can you deny the immortal, 
 and immutable truth of the great principle of per- 
 fectibility, that no man can be justly held responsi- 
 ble for his opinions or his actions ?" 
 
 " I do not deny it." 
 
 "Very well ; then answer me, thou ricketty, ad- 
 d!e-pated, imperfect machine, whether, even suppo- 
 sing I had actually defrauded you of your money, I 
 am to be blamed for it ? You must blame the erro- 
 neous system of society, and if you punish any 
 body, it must be my parents who did not take suf- 
 ficient care to put down the rascally counteracting 
 principles." 
 
11G 
 
 " And you think yourself justified on these 
 grounds ?" 
 
 " Certainly, certainly — besides, it was my opi- 
 nion that if 1 did not rid you of your money, some- 
 body else would, that might not make as good use of 
 it; and the sublime circumstance of self-love, which 
 you know is the basis of all social duties, prompted 
 me to give the preference to myself. You at least 
 cannot blame me for acting up to first principles." 
 
 " First principles ! If the truth were known these 
 are nothing but my master's great enemies the coun- 
 teracting principles." 
 
 "They are the principles of perfectibility." 
 
 " They are the principles of the d — 1, who it is 
 said can even quote scripture to his purpose." 
 
 " My dear machine, how can you, a perfect man. 
 talk about such antiquated stuff as the scriptures. 
 Don't you know they are entirely unnecessary to 
 the perfect state." 
 
 " I don't know," cried I, in despair — " I know 
 nothing, I believe." 
 
 "There now you may pass muster in your mas- 
 ter's great community. To know nothing and to 
 be conscious of it, is the most perfect state of 
 the Man Machine." Then assuming all the air of 
 a mentor, he added, 
 
 " Look'e, Mr. Harmony, I will give you a piece 
 of advice, which if you follow it, will be worth 
 more than all your money, so that we shall be quit 
 
117 
 
 at all events. The next time you meet with a 
 stranger, don't attempt making him a convert to 
 principles that will not only justify his borrowing 
 your money without ever paying, but picking your 
 pocket into the bargain." So saying, he marched 
 off at a long trot, and presently disappeared in the 
 great wilderness of houses. 
 
 I was now left destitute in a strange land, and 
 what was most provoking of all, as it were, by the 
 operation of my master's first principles, which, 
 now for the first time I began to distrust not a 
 little. What to do I knew not, for I had been 
 so used to be told every day what to do, and to 
 do every day the same thing, that I was a perfect 
 inanimate machine, so far as respected the total 
 absence of the principle of self-government. I 
 stood with my hands in my breeches-pockets, I 
 dare say with a most rueful expression of face, 
 when suddenly I felt the letter of the worthy old 
 parson crumpled between my fingers. As the 
 last resort, I determined to go and deliver it to 
 Mr. Ashley, and claim his good offices. He lived 
 a considerable distance from the city, but being 
 a man well known, I soon got a direction to his 
 country seat. 
 
 In the morning, T was about getting into a stage 
 with my trunk, when the master of the house 
 came up with very little ceremony, or rather none 
 at all, and presented me a bill. I began to 
 
118 
 
 talk about the first principles, the community of 
 goods, and the New View of Society. But this 
 was one of the most intractable machines I ever 
 had to do with. He told me his first principle 
 was to get his money if he could — his second to 
 send his boarders to jail, when they ran in debt 
 without being able to pay. These sounded to me 
 very much like some of my master's old enemies, 
 the counteracting principles. But the truth is, I 
 began to be so confused about principles, that 1 
 could hardly tell one from another. Be this as 
 it may, I was carried to prison, when, according to 
 one of my master's first principles, the landlord, 
 who applied for, and the magistrate who granted 
 the commitment, ought to have been put there in 
 my place. Here I was admitted into a society 
 which came nearer to my master's New View, than 
 any thing I ever saw before or since. Here all 
 were equal, and there was a perfect community 
 of goods, each man borrowing from his neigh- 
 bour without ever thinking of payment. They 
 all moreover agreed perfectly, in laying the blame 
 of all the evils they had suffered, and all the 
 faults they had committed, to the errors of their 
 education, and were equally unanimous, in de- 
 claiming against the injustice of legal punishments. 
 I verily believe there was not one of them, that 
 would not have come most heartily into my mas- 
 ter's idea of a community of goods, throughout 
 
119 
 
 the whole world. Indeed, I thought our commu- 
 nity in some respects preferable to that of my 
 master, seeing we had nothing to do, and had the 
 best possible chance for perfectibility, being remo- 
 ved from the temptations of this world, and out of 
 the reach of the counteracting principles. We 
 had iron bars, and double doors to keep the villains 
 out. 
 
 Notwithstanding some symptoms of ennui, which 
 began to creep over me, I felt myself so comforta- 
 ble that I hardly knew whether to be glad or sorry, 
 when one day a gentleman was ushered into my 
 room, who announced himself as Mr. Ashley. 
 
 " I just now," said he, " received a letter from an 
 old friend of yours and mine, who says he gave you 
 one to me, and inquires whether I have seen you. 
 Being in town upon some business, I thought I 
 would look you out, and after some little tracing, 
 found you, where I am very sorry to see you, sir." 
 
 " I have nothing to reproach myself with, and 
 very little to complain of," said I. " Our society 
 here approaches tolerably near to the New View, 
 and the men come as near to the state of perfect 
 machines, as any I have seen, except my master and 
 myself." 
 
 He looked at me with a mixture of pity and 
 wonder. 
 
 " I am glad you have been so comfortable 
 here. But at all events I hope you will have no 
 
J 20 
 
 objection to go home with me for a little time. 
 1 have paid your small debt, and though our 
 society may not be quite so perfect as this, 1 
 hope you will be able to tolerate it." 
 
 There was an honest freedom, mingled with 
 hearty kindness, about Mr. Ashley, that won my 
 confidence, and after some little struggle with my- 
 self I agreed to accompany him home. His esta- 
 blishment was large, and he had about him a num- 
 ber of workmen and labourers. But I regretted 
 to see that he had made little or no advance in the 
 great plan of perfectibility. He paid no regard to 
 the system of perfect equality, except so far as the 
 administration of justice required, and the grand 
 principle of a community of goods, was entirely 
 banished. Instead of treating his men and women 
 like machines, he actually put them on the footing 
 of rational beings, accountable for their actions, 
 forgetting entirely that these proceeded from an 
 erroneous system of education, over which they 
 had no control whatever. He laughed at the idea 
 of entirely banishing idleness, poverty and crime, 
 and of course the necessity of punishment, by 
 means of any system ever yet invented. As to the 
 counteracting principles, he went so far as to say 
 that this was a phrase invented by my master, who 
 by giving new names to old things, had sought to 
 screen the absurdity of his new system, from the 
 eyes of the ignorant. 
 
121 
 
 Nevertheless, Mr. Ashley was a shrewd, clear- 
 sighted man, who had seen much, read much, and 
 reflected much in the course of his life. Like all 
 the well educated Americans, I have seen, he had 
 those practical notions ofliberty, that are essential 
 to its existence, and which only the habitual enjoy- 
 ment of it can thoroughly implant in the mind. 
 When the rational inhabitants of the new world, 
 speak of freedom and equality, they mean no- 
 thing more than the privilege of making their 
 own laws, and an equality of civil and religious 
 lights. " The first right of a people," said Mr. 
 Ashley to me, in one of our discussions — " the first 
 right of a people is that of making their own laws — 
 their first duty is to obey them. They and the 
 magistrates who administer them, are the only 
 sovereigns." This is a sentiment, I may say a 
 habit, with the Americans ; and I often have had 
 occasion to observe that one of the last things they 
 think of, is resisting laws assented to by their own 
 peculiar legislature. My friend and I had lonf 
 and frequent arguments, upon the advantages of' 
 the old and new system, for though he was my be- 
 nefactor, I was determined not to give up to him 
 on that account. 
 
 " Your master, as you call him," said Mr. Ash- 
 ley to me, one day that I had advanced the doctrine 
 of perfectibility — " your master appears to con- 
 11 
 
sider all the vices and crimes of mankind as 
 proceeding from ignorance." 
 
 " Certainly," said 1, " they are the necessary and 
 inevitable consequences of ignorance, as my master 
 affirms." 
 
 " As an abstract proposition and taken in its 
 broadest sense it is probably true. Could we con- 
 ceive the idea of any being, but Omnipotence alone, 
 gifted with perfect knowledge, that being would 
 probably be free from all vice. Perfect know- 
 ledge presupposes a perfect conviction of the futi- 
 lity of indulging the passions, except to the extent 
 in which they are essential to the existence of the 
 grand system of the universe. Perfect knowledge, 
 or wisdom, would know that inordinate lust, ava- 
 rice, ambition, gluttony, selfishness, envy, malice, 
 revenge, and all those passions which lead to the 
 commission of crime, were in fact sources of mise- 
 ry, repentance and despair. It would therefore, 
 having this perfect conviction, abstain from the 
 criminal indulgence of these passions." 
 
 "I am happy," said I, "that you are a convert 
 to one of my master's first principles at least." 
 
 " In its abstract, not in its application. I consi- 
 der it, when applied to man, as a preposterous ab- 
 surdity." 
 
 "As how?" 
 
 " Because it can never apply to him to the ex^- 
 
1% 
 
 tent necessary to your first principle. It must be 
 perfect wisdom, or the argument falls to the ground." 
 
 "But do you not believe, that in proportion as 
 \fe lose our ignorance, we recede from vice ?" 
 
 " Indeed, 1 do not. In the main, I do believe that 
 the acquisition of knowledge, unless," said Mr. Ash- 
 ley, smiling, "it meets with one of your master's 
 counteracting principles, is favourable to virtue. 
 But he must be little acquainted with the world, as 
 it has been, and as it is, not to be convinced, that in 
 the scale of virtue there is little difference between 
 knowledge and ignorance, except in the refinement 
 with which the one, and the grossness with which 
 the other indulges its vices. Generally speaking, 
 ignorance is not the fault of mankind, but their 
 misfortune. It would therefore impeach the justice 
 of Providence to suppose they were the worse on 
 that account." 
 
 "Here, at least," said I, eagerly, "you have ad- 
 mitted one of my master's first principles. You 
 say that ignorance is generally not the fault, but 
 the misfortune of mankind. Is not this acknow- 
 ledging what my master affirms, that, as no man 
 directs his early education, so no man can justly be 
 accountable for his opinions or his actions." 
 
 "Indeed, it is not. What I find fault with in 
 your master's first principles, is, that though they 
 are, a great many of them, such as have been ad 
 
124 
 
 mittcd by the writers on morals and metaphysics, 
 jet until now they were never carried to that mis- 
 chievous extent of practical application, which 1 
 consider.the defect, I might almost say, the wicked* 
 ness of your master's system. Consider what would 
 be the result of the application of your principle 
 of non-accountability. A perfect latitude of crime, 
 and a complete freedom from punishment — the ab- 
 sence of all restraints of conscience or law." 
 
 "But where would be the harm, if the Man Ma- 
 chine was perfect ?" 
 
 " Neither you or your master have a right to ask 
 the question until you make them so." 
 
 "But you will admit that if they were perfect, 
 there would be no harm in it ?" 
 
 "Certainly — only make them perfect, and I will 
 become a convert to the New System." 
 
 " Only give us time, and you will see it all come 
 about. All that is necessary is to get rid of the ras- 
 cally counteracting circumstances." 
 
 " O certainly — there I agree with you perfectly," 
 said Mr. Ashley, smiling. "But as time is, you 
 acknowledge, necessary to make man perfect, what 
 is to become of society in the mean while, when 
 all the restraints of accountability and punishment 
 are thus suspended ? It will fall into a state of na- 
 ture, if there ever was such a thing — a perfect anar- 
 chy — -a dissolution will take place." 
 
125 
 
 " My dear friend, that is just what we want. It 
 we could only dissolve the present state of society, 
 and produce a perfect chaos, we would then begin 
 ah avo, as my master says, and do what we pleased 
 afterwards in remodeling it." 
 
 " But to return," continued I, " to the insepara- 
 ble connexion between vice and ignorance. You 
 don't believe in it ?" 
 
 "Let me answer you by another question, in 
 our yankee fashion. Which are most free from vice, 
 children or grown people ?" 
 
 " Why, children, to be sure." 
 
 " And which have most knowledge, children or 
 men ?" 
 
 " Why, men, to be sure." 
 
 " Then how can ignorance be the sole cause of 
 
 vice 
 
 tn 
 
 Mr. Ashley seeing me rather posed, went on. 
 
 " My good friend, be assured the great error of 
 all system makers, is that of ascribing to one cause, 
 what is the result of the operation of many. De- 
 grees of vice are not to be measured by degrees of 
 ignorance — nor does the mere teaching of what is 
 right furnish any absolute guarantee for acting 
 lightly. There are a thousand temptations assail- 
 ing us, from which all the knowledge that will ever 
 fall to the lot of man, can be but an inadequate 
 defence ?" 
 
 11* 
 
126 
 
 " That is owing to the intervention of the rascal- 
 ly counteracting principles. 1 ' 
 
 "Call them what you will," said Mr. Ashley, 
 " names do not alter things, nor can all thy master's 
 jargon about principles and circumstances, disguise 
 the passions and appetites of human nature, from 
 those who are not governed by mere words. It is 
 indeed a happy circumstance that the morals of 
 mankind do not depend upon the understanding of 
 metaphysical distinctions, else I fear there would 
 be little of morality in this world." 
 
 " Then," said I, after a pause, "you do not be- 
 lieve in the influence of knowledge at all ?" 
 
 " Pardon me," said he, " I believe it has great in- 
 fluence, and that to know our duties, is essentially 
 necessary to the practice of them. They are, to a 
 certain extent, indispensable to the maintenance 
 and enjoyment of that freedom which is the basis of 
 national prosperity and happiness. If to know 
 what is right is essential to practice, it is still more 
 essential to the enjoyment of our rights, that wc 
 should know in what they consist. This cannot be 
 known without education. All I deny is, that 
 human knowledge will suflice to the total pre- 
 vention of crimes, or obviate the necessity of penal 
 statutes and punishments." 
 
 " Punishments !" said I, " my master allows of 
 nothing of this kind. He has proved that punish- 
 ment is not only cruel, but entirely ineffectual in 
 the prevention of crime." 
 
127 
 
 " As how ?" 
 
 " Why because, notwithstanding these punish- 
 ments, crimes are committed every day," said I. 
 
 "Ah! that is your master's usual mode of draw- 
 ing conclusions. Because punishments do not pre- 
 vent crime entirely, he concludes that they are of 
 no effect whatever. Because they don't do every 
 thing, it follows in his system that they do nothing. 
 lie sees that crimes are committed in spite of the 
 punishment ; but only Omniscience can see how 
 many others are refrained from, in the apprehen- 
 sion of the punishment that awaits them. In good 
 truth, my, friend, of all thy master's absurdities, 
 and truly they are manifold, the absurdity of dis- 
 pensing with punishments altogether, because those 
 already denounced are insufficient for the total pre- 
 vention of crime, is the greatest. It is as if a parent 
 should say to a wayward and obstinate child, ' Go 
 thy ways, and do as thou pleasest ; 1 find ten stripes 
 will not prevent thee from transgressing, therefore I 
 will not increase them to twenty, but let thee off in 
 future, without any punishment at all.' " 
 
 " But my master relies upon the force of habit, 
 the absence of temptation, and the hope of reward," 
 said f. 
 
 " My good friend, thy master relies upon insuffi- 
 cient securities. The force of habit is strong I 
 allow, but where is thy master's surety that men 
 will not adopt bad habits as well as good .'" 
 
1'28 
 
 " The absence of all temptation to do evil," re- 
 plied I. 
 
 " My friend," replied Mr. Ashley, " where there 
 are temptations to do good, there will be temp- 
 tations to do evil. They are coeval, co-existent 
 and inseparable." 
 
 " But we are to have neither temptation to one 
 or the other — temptation is to be banished entirely." 
 
 " Then what becomes of the hope of reward — 
 is not that a temptation to do good ? But be as- 
 sured that rewards will not do alone in this world, 
 without the aid of punishments. You may pu- 
 nish a man for committing a crime, but it would be 
 impossible for society under any view, new or old, 
 to reward all persons for abstaining from it. But 
 even if society had the means, how is it to arrive at 
 a knowledge of the degree of temptation resisted, 
 of the degree of virtuous forbearance exercised, so 
 as to proportion the reward to the resistance ? It 
 would be confounding all degrees of virtue to re- 
 ward all alike, and it would be arrogating to our- 
 selves the Omniscience of the Supreme Being, to 
 pretend to discriminate between the temptations 
 and forbearance of all those who abstain from the 
 commission of crime. Solon, one of the wilest of 
 lawgivers, ancient or modern, has said, that in or- 
 der to make men virtuous, you must allure them by 
 rewards, and deter them by punishments. All le- 
 gislators have proceeded upon these principles. Is 
 
 -i 
 
129 
 
 thy master wiser than the wisest of all ages ? To me 
 it appears that his system, so far from indicating 
 superior wisdom, is founded in a total practical ig- 
 norance of man ; and a complete misapplication of 
 (he little abstract knowledge he possesses.' 1 
 
 " Then you deny that the hope of reward ope- 
 rates in favour of virtue," said I. 
 
 " Indeed, not I. I only deny that it is sufficient in 
 itself to restrain the passions of mankind — I find fault 
 only with thy master for affirming it to be so. A 
 perfect system can no more be made out of a single 
 principle like this, than a perfect man could be 
 made with only one leg. Thy system has but half 
 a leg in truth." 
 
 Here I observed that I thought my master at least 
 sincere and disinterested, in his plans for improving 
 the happiness of the human family, and that how- 
 ever he might be led astray by an unlimited appli- 
 cation of his first principles, his object at least 
 should shelter him from ridicule. 
 
 "Why, I don't know," replied Mr. Ashley — "a 
 good intention certainly goes far to sanction a rea- 
 sonable degree of theoretical absurdity. But when 
 such absurdities strike at- the root of the whole 
 frame of society, and in their operation go to un- 
 settle the very fundamental principles of religion, 
 morals and government, the author of them be- 
 comes Ferce Natures — a sort of common enemy, 
 whom it is lawful to run down, either by reason or 
 
130 
 
 ridicule, whichever may be most efficacious. Now, 
 my good friend, I believe the sage Don Quixote 
 was the last man that ever seriously undertook to 
 fight with a windmill ; except it may be that I am 
 somewhat liable to a similar imputation, in having 
 seriously attempted to battle with thy master's first 
 principles. To oppose fanaticism, or uncloak hy- 
 pocrisy, by serious argument, is a hopeless task, be- 
 cause the former neither reasons, nor listens to rea- 
 son, and the latter is always too interested to be- 
 come a convert. I do not doubt thy master's since- 
 rity, although he talks a little too much, I think, 
 about increase of profit, pecuniary gain, and such 
 like worldly matters, which slip out occasionally ; 
 but whether sincere and disinterested or not, he has 
 no right to demand, or you either, that because he 
 is serious, others must of necessity be serious too. 
 Goodness of intention, like charity, covers a multi- 
 tude of sins — but a good intention can only be known 
 to him who searches all hearts, while its evil conse- 
 quences may be estimated by every rational being. 
 It would be making error perpetual to approach it 
 on all occasions with a most profound and reve- 
 rential gravity. Such is indeed the infirmity of our 
 nature that what is often impenetrable to reason, 
 and invincible to persecution and torture, is brush- 
 ed away by the light feather of ridicule in a single 
 moment. There is another good practical reason 
 for using this weapon in cases like the present. 
 
131 
 
 Errors and mischievous absurdities, are best put 
 down by the good sense and good feeling of the 
 people, excited and awake nedby addresses to both. 
 This excitement is to be produced, either by ver- 
 bal arguments or by printed publications, which 
 last, to be of any service, must be read. Now, hun- 
 dreds will read a book that makes them laugh, 
 where one will read a book that only makes him 
 wise. I never expect to attack thy master's first 
 principles, in a book, but I claim the privilege of 
 laughing at them when I please, notwithstanding 
 your gravity. I hope you will take it in good part, 
 for I promise you, that in some ages and countries, 
 your master would not have been let off with a 
 laugh." 
 
 These arguments were renewed almost every 
 day, and I confess that each one contributed in some 
 degree to unsettle for a moment my faith in the 
 New View of Society. But though weakened I 
 was not overcome, and I exulted from time to time 
 in detecting Mr. Ashley in what I supposed incon- 
 sistencies and contradictions. 
 
 " If 1 understand," said I one day, " you deny my 
 master's first principle, that any character may be 
 given to a community, or to the world at large, by 
 means which are in the power and at the command 
 of those who influence human affairs ?" 
 
 • " 1 do, as usual," replied Mr. Ashley, "to the 
 extent to which he carries it," 
 
132 
 
 " Then you deny the influence of power, wealth; 
 talent, superstition, corporeal strength — in short, 
 whatever has enabled men to obtain an influence 
 over nations, and to modify their systems of govern- 
 ment ?" 
 
 " My good friend, it appears to me the pupils of 
 perfectibility have a very imperfect mode of under- 
 standing argument. You, for example, seem to 
 suppose that I deny every thing you advance, be- 
 cause I don't assent to every thing. I believe if I 
 were to deny that this was a bright sunshiny day, 
 merely because it rains, you would take me up as 
 affirming there was no such thing as sunshine in this 
 world. Here, as usual, your master's proposition is 
 true to a certain extent ; but to affirm that the cha- 
 racter of a community entirely depends on its ru- 
 lers, or in other words, 'those who influence hu- 
 man affairs,' is running into an extreme, and all ex- 
 tremes are absurdities. This would be making 
 man a machine at once, to be set in motion entirely 
 at the will or caprice of another. 1 certainly be- 
 lieve in the very weighty influence of rulers and 
 lawgivers, but I don't believe all of them put to- 
 gether, could make the native of Lapland or Kam- 
 chatka, an Italian amateur of the line arts, any 
 more than I believe a pig could be brought to prefer 
 wiping his nose with a cambric handkerchief by 
 the influence of either his master's precepts or ex- 
 ample. I have seen a learned pig it is true, but his 
 
133 
 
 scholarship originated in a proper distribution oC 
 rewards and punishments, both which jour master 
 discards from his new system. That power, wealth, 
 virtue and genius, give certain men great influence- 
 in the formation of the community in which they 
 live, is certain. But there are a thousand other ' cir- 
 cumstances,' as your master would call them, either 
 aiding or counteracting this influence, and modify- 
 ing habits, manners, and opinions. Your master is 
 only wrong here, as he generally is, in ascribing all 
 to the influence of man, and leaving nothing to those 
 more powerful instruments wielded by Providence. 
 He appears to deal in none but secondary causes." 
 
 Proceeding in the discussion of my master's first 
 principles, we at length came to the community of 
 goods, the perfect equality, and the great axiom, 
 that nothing was necessary to supersede the whole 
 complicated system of education, government and 
 religion but the proper understanding of the great 
 truth, that self-love and social are the same. In 
 discussing these points Mr. Ashley observed — 
 
 " That the object of my master, in making a per- 
 fect equality, and a community of goods, two of the 
 fundamental principles of his system, appeared to 
 be that of withdrawing from his Men Machines three 
 of the great sources of injustice and crime among 
 mankind, to wit, ambition, avarice and envy. But 
 the idea of so perfect a system of equality, so per- 
 fect a community of every thing, as would place 
 12 
 
134 
 
 people out of the reach of the operation of these 
 passions" — 
 
 "Counteracting principles, if you please." 
 " Well, counteracting principles then," said Mr. 
 .Ashley, good naturedly — "the idea, 1 say, is absurd 
 and preposterous. There is an inequality in na- 
 ture, if nowhere else, which is beyond the control 
 ©f systems and theories ; and even admitting there 
 Were not, unless you could produce a perfect equa- 
 lity in that estimation in which men hold the good 
 things of this world, it would be impossible to pre- 
 vent them from envying some one or other — from 
 indulging a desire to appropriate what is not their 
 ©wn, and to control the opinions and actions of 
 their fellows. In short, you must place man in the 
 grave before you can place him beyond the reach 
 of the pass — I beg pardon, the counteracting prin- 
 ciples. But were it even possible to introduce antl 
 sustain for any length of time so perfect an equali- 
 ty, as that all should be precisely on a footing with 
 regard to worldly goods, and worldly sources of en- 
 joyment, I fear there would not be the less play of 
 the little and malignant passions. Experience, 
 which is a surer guide than the vagaries of sanguine 
 or deluded theorists, has convinced me that it is 
 precisely in this state of perfect equality that these 
 ignoble passions are most excited, and most mis- 
 chievously, for the happiness of the community, 
 My observation has taught me that those who ace 
 
135 
 
 mr above, or far below, or far distant from us in 
 any respect, are seldom the objects of our envy 
 or jealousy. But even if they should become so, 
 they are placed beyond the reach of their daily ef- 
 fects. It is among our equals, and companions, 
 those who rival us in our favourite pursuits — who 
 cross our paths in the attainment of what we most 
 ardently covet — who share with or deprive us 
 of the gratification of some long sought good or 
 pleasure — it is towards these that the malignant 
 passions are most frequently and most bitterly ex- 
 cited. People so circumstanced, are perpetually 
 coming into conflict with each other, in the attain- 
 ment, of those objects, which in any state of society I 
 have ever been acquainted with, must and will con- 
 stitute our most powerful excitements. These 
 petty rivalries, so far from being diminished, only 
 rage the more venomously, where people are coop- 
 ed up in a small space and crowded together under 
 the immediate eye of the dispenser of honours and 
 rewards. Proximity is to the passions, what oil is 
 to the fire; it makes them rage ten times more fu- 
 riously. They will be found to operate in a nar- 
 row and confined sphere much more actively, inces- 
 santly and vehemently, than out in the broad space 
 of the great world, where there is such a vast va- 
 riety of pursuits, and so much elbow-room for all, 
 that the passions seem to lose their force and ma- 
 lignity by expansion. There are so many tempta- 
 
136 
 
 iions, and interests, each pulling a different way. 
 and each in turn exercising a momentary influence, 
 that the mind is in a vast many cases saved from the 
 worst of all tyrannies, that of a ruling passion, the 
 source of most of the crimes and excesses that blot 
 the history of the human race." 
 
 Mr. Ashley was no better pleased with my mas- 
 ter's great principle, " that all that was necessary 
 to the perfection of society was self-love properly 
 understood." 
 
 41 Like all the rest of your master's principles," 
 said he, 4 ' it is alike absurd and dangerous in its ap- 
 plication, by being carried to an extreme. Besides, 
 it is refining too much. Mankind are not to be 
 governed by metaphysical niceties, and it is espe- 
 cially dangerous, to attempt to make that the foun- 
 dation of all virtue, which has ever been consider- 
 ed the foundation of all vice. In the language and 
 perceptions of ordinary people, self-love, is syno- 
 nymous with the total absence of all the social du- 
 ties, and the danger of inculcating it as the basis of 
 social happiness, is, that you may persuade them 
 that excessive sensual indulgences, are not only al- 
 lowable, but praise-worthy. With ordinary minds, 
 I imagine it will be difficult to make out a clear 
 comprehension of the difference between that self- 
 love which seeks its fruition in the indulgence of 
 the selfish passions, and that which finds it in admi- 
 nistering to the happiness of others. The latter. 
 
137 
 
 Tfie ignorant, at least, would be much move apt to 
 eall self-denial, rather than self-love ; and 1 should 
 have been much better pleased with your master'^ 
 system, had he condescended to administer to their 
 comprehension, by giving it a name they can under- 
 stand." 
 
 " But my master's system is addressed to the 
 wise, instead of the ignorant. There will be no 
 such thing as ignorance in the new system of socie- 
 ty. We are all to be philosophers." 
 
 "What ! a community of philosophers ! That is 
 but another name for bedlam. And philosophers 
 loo, passing the greater portion of their time at the 
 spinning jenney, the loom and the steam engine. 
 The school of Socrates certainly was nothing to 
 this. No doubt you will all be perfect in time." 
 
 " Aye, sir, perfect Men Machines." 
 
 " I have no doubt of it," said my friend dryly. 
 
 " But," said I, " we are not to be always learning 
 philosophy and metaphysics at the spinning jenney 
 —wo are to be taught all the moral duties, that is to 
 say, the children — and instructed in their exercise a* 
 the play ground. There, under the superintendence 
 ef sage mentors, the little candidates are to be ini- 
 tiated into all the mysteries of the proper applica- 
 tion- of the great fundamental principle of self- 
 love." 
 
 Mr. Ashley shook his head. 
 'My good friend, there is a tirae foB all tilings— 
 t9P 
 
 £1 
 
138 
 
 a lime for play and a time for instruction. If you 
 make the plays of children a medium for inculca- 
 ting either morals or knowledge, they cease to be 
 recreations, they become tasks, and the whole end 
 and object of plays, to wit, relaxation of mind, and 
 wholesome exercise of body, is lost. You may 
 teach children to forget they are hungry by play — 
 but neither philosophy or morals, I imagine, are to 
 be learned at children's plays, which essentially 
 consist, and in fact derive their principal excite- 
 merits, from the strife of strength, skill, courage, 
 swiftness of foot, or some other physical qualities. 
 Besides, if you are to make philosophers by play. 
 it is essential that they should play nearly the 
 whole time, and then what becomes of the spinning 
 jenney and the common fund ?" 
 
 " Then," replied I, in great vexation, " you don't 
 believe in one single one of my master's first prin- 
 ciples ?" 
 
 " Not to the extent to which he carries then 
 operation. Every one of them in my opinion, arc 
 practically false." 
 
 " Nor in the force of ' circumstances ?' " 
 
 "Certainly, if you mean the temptations of this 
 
 life." 
 
 " My good sir, I mean no such nonsense." 
 
 " What then do you mean ?" 
 
 " Why — the — the — force of circumstances — and 
 1 suppose you deny that the counteracting princi- 
 ples are the greatest rascals in the world ?" 
 
139 
 
 ;c If you mean the passions, I do not deny it." 
 
 "Pshaw! I beg pardon, but you talk nonsense. 
 There is no such thing as passions in my master's 
 New View of Society." 
 
 " That may be, but this don't prove they have no 
 existence." 
 
 " You believe, in short, that the present state of 
 society cannot be improved ?" 
 
 " There you go again — because 1 don't believe 
 it can be made perfect, you make me say it cannot 
 be improved. 1 think it may be greatly improved 3 
 but not by such reformers as your master. His sys- 
 tem may increase the amount of productive labour — 
 it may, to use his own words, produce to the admi- 
 nistrators of a community of this kind, 'a large in- 
 crease of pecuniary gain, preserve the body in a good 
 working condition, and enable one woman to do the 
 work of twenty." 1 * If this is perfectibility then you 
 will undoubtedly be perfect." 
 
 These arguments, and a variety of others Mr. 
 Ashley from time to time brought forward against 
 my master's new system, I confess undermined for 
 a time my firm reliance upon its practicability. By- 
 degrees, I abandoned all present thoughts of joining 
 the new association of which I saw flaming accounts 
 
 * See New View of Society, for similar expressions, 
 
140 
 
 in the public papers, and begged Mr. Ashley to pro- 
 cure me some employment. 
 
 " With all my heart," said he, u what are you fi'V 
 &r? Can you plow?" 
 
 "No, sir — but I can tend a spinning jenncv." 
 
 " Can you mow ?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Thresh ?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Plant corn ?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Make cider?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Have you learned any trade ?" 
 
 " No — except tending a spinning jenncv.'-' 
 
 " Can you handle an axe ?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "A spade?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Do you know when to plant, when to gather [\i 
 ftarvest, and at what season to perform the different 
 operations of rural economy ?" 
 
 " No — all seasons were alike with us, and there 
 was a time not for all things, but for one thing only, 
 watching the spinning jenney. But I dare say \ 
 tjan learn — try me, sir." 
 
 Accordingly I went into the fields with Mr. Ash- 
 ley, to assist in some light labours of the field, but J 
 looadc a poor hand of it. One day be set r»c to 
 
141 
 
 driving a cart, and found me about an hour after- 
 wards, standing before the wheel watching till it 
 •should begin to go round like a spinning jenney. 
 From time to time, he tried me at other occupa- 
 tions, but I know not how it was, I could never get 
 on, for want of the inspiring din, and clattering 
 wheels of the cotton machinery, and was either 
 found quite becalmed in the fields, or watching the 
 motion of a water wheel, belonging to a mill upon 
 the estate. At length, however, Mr. Ashley hit 
 upon an expedient, that partly answered the pur- 
 pose of setting my machinery going. He procured 
 a machine called in America, a horse-fiddle, which 
 was placed on a pole in the field where I was to be 
 employed. So long as that went, I went ; but when 
 the weather was calm, the fiddle stopt, and so did I. 
 The people about laughed at me most unmerciful- 
 ly, but I was delighted with the experiment, which 
 demonstrated entirely to my satisfaction, that I had 
 become a perfect Man Machine. In fact I became 
 more than ever a convert to my master's new sys- 
 tem, and nothing could afterwards shake my con- 
 viction of the perfect ease with which the perfecti- 
 bility of man might be attained, if we could only 
 get rid of " the circumstances," and their confound- 
 ed abettors the rascally " counteracting principles. r 
 But not even the consciousness of superiority, 
 can sustain a man for any length of time against the 
 ridicule of all around him. I began to be tired of 
 
142 
 
 Mr. Ashley, and he, I believe, became quite tired 
 of me, finding I was proof against his sophistry. It 
 one day chanced to fall out, that I came across the 
 sublime theory of the Concentric Spheres, which 
 struck me exceedingly. I determined at once to 
 leave Mr. Ashley, and as I had become convinced 
 that the outside crust of this world was not fitted 
 for my master's theory, nor my master's theory for 
 it, decided to try the experiment, and see what the 
 inside would do for us. 
 
 " Where art thou going, my good friend," said 
 Mr. Ashley. 
 
 " To search for the perfectibility of man, among 
 the Concentric Spheres." 
 
 " Right, thou wilt find them together, I'll war- 
 rant thee." And thus we parted. The rest you 
 
 KNOW. 
 
STORY 
 
 SECOND WISE MAN OF GOTHAM. 
 
THE PERFECTION OF REASON. 
 
 " My brother Harmony," said Mr. Quominus, the 
 second Wise Man of Gotham, " has fallen a sacri- 
 fice to the perfectibility of man ; I, on the contrary, 
 am a martyr to the Perfection of Reason. I was 
 born in a country, where they have sufficient wis- 
 dom to make their own laws, but not quite enough, 
 as it would seem, to understand them afterwards. 
 In order to remedy this singular inconvenience, 
 they resorted to a method equally singular, and ori- 
 ginal. They enlisted the wise men of other nations 
 in their behalf; and justly considering that it was 
 quite a sufficient effort of human wisdom for one 
 country to make its own laws, they determined to 
 resort to another for their interpretation. Accord- 
 ingly, they made a vast number of laws, believing 
 they could not have too much of a good thing, and 
 then sent beyond sea to get them explained. In a 
 couple of hundred years, these explanations, being 
 all carefully recorded in books, amounted to up- 
 wards of three thousand volumes, of goodly size, 
 containing upon an average, each, one hundred 
 contradictory interpretations of different wise men. 
 Such a mass of wisdom, and such a variety of opi ■ 
 13 
 
146 
 
 jaions, supported by such unanswerable arguments, 
 never got together under the same roof in this 
 world. Some very aged persons, who had lived 
 long enough to get about half through this invalua- 
 ble collection, discovered that it was like the ser- 
 mon that suited any text, and the text that suited 
 any sermon — for every man could find in it, a deci- 
 sion, or at least, an opinion, to suit his purpose. A 
 system so supported on all sides, by all sorts of opi- 
 nions, certainly merited the honour of being called 
 a science ; and such a science, as certainly, deserv- 
 ed a respectable name. It was accordingly aptly 
 denominated the perfection of reason, because 
 it furnished every man, however different his opi- 
 nions might be. with reasons in support of them. 
 
 In addition to this great requisite of every per- 
 fect system, namely, that it should suit every body 
 — this accumulation of contradictory opinions, it 
 was affirmed, possessed another irresistible claim to 
 the dignified appellation it had obtained. It can- 
 not be denied, said the admirers of. this science, 
 that although the laws are expressly devised to set- 
 tle such disputes, or conflicting claims, as might 
 otherwise occasion a resort to force, still it is never 
 the intention of a wise legislator, that people should 
 actually appeal to them for this purpose. They 
 are merely to be held up in lerrorem. or rather like 
 buoys, to float on the surface of society, for the pur- 
 pose of warning mankind of the shoals and quick- 
 
14/ 
 
 sands below. In this point of view, then, it is ap- 
 parent, that the more intricate and inconsistent the 
 laws, and the more various and contradictory their 
 interpretations, the greater delay and expense 
 there will be found in settling appeals to them, and 
 consequently the number of law-suits be greatly 
 diminished. Thus, when the laws become perfectly 
 unintelligible, they are absolutely perfect, for then 
 nobody in their senses will go to law, and the sci- 
 ence will do its duty after the manner of a scare- 
 crow, which frightens the birds from the corn, 
 merely by flourishing its unintelligible rattle. Thus 
 you see, that no other name than that of the per- 
 fection of reason, could possibly have suited this 
 excellent science. 
 
 In addition to the singular happiness of being 
 born in a country, governed according to the per- 
 fection of reason, 1 was brought up under an uncle ; 
 (my father dying when 1 was quite a child,) who 
 adored the law, and might be said never to have 
 had any other mistress. He was a bachelor, of 
 competent estate, but rather indifferent education 
 — he was better fed than taught ; and, when I say 
 he could read and write and cipher a little. I go as 
 far as strict biographical veracity will warrant. He 
 was without a profession, rich, and a bachelor. 
 Such a man has but one chance for happiness in. 
 this world — he must get unto himself a hobby, and. 
 ride away as if the sheriff was at his heels. To 
 
148 
 
 trace a man's hobby to its first cause, is like search- 
 ing for the source of the Niger. Yet I think I can 
 account for that of my uncle. He had gained pos- 
 session of a large part of his property, by a law- 
 suit, and ever after held law to be the perfection of 
 reason, while the honest gentleman who lost the 
 estate, held it in utter abhorrence. The suit last- 
 ed nineteen years, at the expiration of which, there 
 was found a great flaw in the defendant's title. He 
 had no more money, and no man ever successfully 
 appealed to the perfection of reason, with an empty 
 pocket. 
 
 From this time, it was his great delight to attend 
 the courts, where, as he used to affirm, with surpri- 
 sing satisfaction, they sometimes nearly argued his 
 head off his shoulders, and so confounded his no- 
 tions of the distinctions between right and wrong, 
 that he could hardly tell the difference, until he 
 went home and looked over the ten command- 
 ments. I remember the delight with which he 
 related a case he had read in some book of reports, 
 where a man tried on a confession of murder, was 
 acquitted by the jury, under the express direction 
 of the judge, because the charge set forth that he 
 committed the murder outside, whereas it appear- 
 ed in evidence that it was done inside, of a certain 
 door. Another time, he fell into an ecstasy at a 
 decision which he always held to the day of his 
 death, to be the most exquisite specimen of nice 
 
149 
 
 legal distinction he had ever met with in the whole 
 •aourse of his life. It seems a fellow had been caught 
 with a bundle of counterfeit notes, which the indict- 
 ment set forth was found in his right breeches pocket- 
 when it appeared in evidence it was taken from his 
 left breeches pocket. " After three days hard argu- 
 ment, the court decided," said my good uncle, rub- 
 bing his hands — " they decided that the prosecutor 
 had mistaken the locus in po or the hocus in quo" — 
 my uncle, as I said before, was no scholar — " and 
 therefore the prisoner must be acquitted." Had the 
 law never done any thing else, but make this distinc- 
 tion between a man's pockets, it would in his opinion 
 have fully merited its title of the perfection of rea- 
 son. " It is worth while to go a thousand leagues," 
 would he say, "to find out how little the actual 
 commission of a crime has to do with the real 
 matter of fact, in the eye of the perfection of rea- 
 son. It is all settled by the hocus in quo — which I 
 suppose is what we call hocus-pocus in English." 
 Like a vast many ignorant people, he mistook 
 quibbling subtilty for deep reasoning — the art of 
 confounding with that of enlightening the under- 
 standing — incomprehensibility for clearness, and 
 perplexity for wisdom — forgetting, or rather, never 
 having discovered, that true wisdom is perfect sim- 
 plicity. 
 
 The good gentleman, however, almost exclusive- 
 ly confined his idolatry to the common law. He 
 13* 
 
150 
 
 considered it not only the perfection of reason, lm* 
 the wisdom of ages. Nothing, indeed, could equ?.I 
 his admiration of the common law, except his 
 thorough contempt for statute and civil law. If he 
 could have had his will, he would have outlawed 
 the statutes, and made it capital to read Justinian. 
 Mercy upon us ! how he would rail at Caius, Ulpi- 
 an, Papinian, Tribonian and the rest of the civil 
 law gentlemen, whom he called by no other name 
 than pettifoggers of the forum. Not that he knew, 
 or had ever read a word of either of these writers. 
 His contempt was perfectly gratuitous — it was the 
 homage of ignorance at the shrine of prejudice, 
 Next to his veneration for the common law, was 
 his profound respect for English judges confound- 
 ing — 1 beg pardon, expounding it. Even theircon- 
 tradicting themselves every day, did not alter his 
 opinion that they were the only inspired high 
 priests of the perfection of reason. Towards the 
 judges and jurists of other countries he looked ra- 
 ther askew, believing that human reason never at- 
 tained to any tolerable degree of perfection out of 
 the three kingdoms, and that a French, Italian. 
 German, or Dutch judge, knew no more about ma- 
 naging the common law, than they did about box- 
 ing, or any other abstruse science. But of all the 
 judges, past or present, he, like most ignorant peo- 
 ple, held those of his own country the cheapest for 
 divers reasons. He maintained that they either had 
 
151 
 
 uo opinions of their own, or were afraid to assert 
 them. That they were in fact little better than in- 
 struments in the hands of subtle lawyers, or mere 
 echoes of the decisions of others. He once went 
 so far as to swear, he could teach a parrot to retail 
 the decisions of his betters, and thus make a capital 
 judge of him, for his gravity would pass for wisdom. 
 So far indeed did he carry this unjust prejudice, as 
 to declare it his firm conviction, that if tiie deve- 
 lopement of their organs, was examined by a com- 
 petent phrenologist, nine out of ten would be found 
 destitute of the organ of judgment. But in this, I 
 am convinced, notwithstanding the causes I have to 
 complain of the perfection of reason, the good gen- 
 tleman carried his prejudices beyond all reasonable 
 bounds. I have had, as you will perceive in the 
 course of my narrative, pretty sufficient reason for 
 dissatisfaction on this head. But notwithstanding 
 I am free to bear testimony to the talents, learning, 
 and uprightness of the great majority of the judges 
 of my native country. As respects the administra- 
 tion of justice, they are in my opinion, as able and 
 upright, as the perfection of reason will permit them 
 to be. If they err at all. I am inclined to think it 
 is in permitting too great a latitude to the subtil- 
 ties and sophistries of ingenious pleaders ; and in 
 giving undue weight to ancient precedents, derived 
 from reasons long since inapplicable to the state 
 of our manners, habits and social relations, A 
 
152 
 
 want of sufficient confidence in their own opinions, 
 appears to me another fault, which; however, al- 
 most deserves to be pardoned on account of its no- 
 velty. It has happened to me more than once, to 
 hear a judge decide upon a case, on the ground of 
 some recorded decision of another judge, when I 
 myself would a thousand times rather have trust- 
 ed it to his own unbiassed sen^e of right and 
 wrong. It seems odd, to see a lawyer teaching a 
 judge his lesson, out of a pile of books, and making 
 him who is there as a master, appear more like a 
 scholar, learning his alphabet from some beardless 
 pedagogue. 
 
 However this may be. im uncle had a most vehe- 
 ment and perfect veneration for the common law, 
 and for English judges sitting in judgment upon it. 
 and from time to time pronouncing it to be, some- 
 times flesh, sometimes fish, and sometimes fowl. 
 I vertl) think, if he could only have found out in 
 what impenetrable labyrinth the common law was 
 enshrined, he would have made a pilgrimage to the 
 spot. Indeed, he once talked very seriously of go- 
 ing to England only to see the chief justice of the 
 common [leas in his gown and wig. But he was 
 prevented by one of those untoward accidents, 
 which disconcert the great schemes of life. He 
 died before he could come to a determination. 
 This, however, was long after he had condemned 
 me to study the perfection of reason. He decreed 
 
15S 
 
 ihat I should be a lawyer, though I am unalterably 
 convinced, that both nature and fate intended me 
 only for a client. 
 
 I was accordingly sent into the country to live 
 with a learned jurist, who boarded a certain number 
 of pupils, to whom he read law lectures three times 
 a week. In the intervals, we dipt into the works of 
 the famous writers who have analyzed and laid 
 down the great principles of the law. We knew 
 nothing, however, and learned nothing of the real 
 mysteries of the profession ; nor did I discover un- 
 til after long experience in the world, that the theo- 
 ry and the practice of the law, were no nearer related 
 to each other, than the two extremes of the same 
 earth. They were the antipodes of each other. 
 Here in the retirement of a country mansion, and 
 apart from the great business of the world, which 
 alone furnishes the practical application and infal- 
 lible test of all human institutions, I revelled in 
 the beautiful theory of the law. Every where I 
 read the most loft) and eloquent eulogiums on the 
 science, from the pens of the greatest names ; and 
 ever) where I saw in the English books, the high- 
 est, most unqualified testimony to the unequaled 
 excellence of the common law, above all others. It 
 was the aggregate of human experience, the perfec- 
 tion of reason. I actually fell in love with it, and 
 studied with an amorous enthusiasm which I can 
 hardly believe possible, now that my mistress has 
 jilted nae so many times. 
 
154 
 
 At the end of three .years, I was sent for 'to m> 
 worthy uncle, who was dangerously ill. I found 
 him in the hands of a physician, who had himself 
 invented six new diseases, and of course must have 
 been a clever fellow. But my poor uncle's time 
 was fast approaching — he grew worse every day, 
 and the doctor invented a new name for every new 
 symptom that appeared. Calling me one morning 
 to his bed side, he expressed his affection for me, 
 mul said he had left me all lie was worth in the 
 world. "You will find yourself rich — but remem- 
 ber that riches make themselves wings, and fly 
 away. Remember too, that the only way to re- 
 strain their flight, is by a proper knowledge of the 
 laws whereby vou will be enabled to take care of 
 your weaith. By knowing what is lawful and what 
 is not lawful — by applying the immutable rules of 
 right and wrong as defined by the laws — I mean 
 the common law — you will have a due sense of 
 your rights and duties, and thus no danger can be- 
 fall you." 
 
 Rising upon his elbow, he continued, with an en- 
 thusiasm that lent new light to the dying taper — 
 
 "" Law is indeed the perfection of reason — there- 
 fore it must necessarily conform to the purest prin- 
 ciples, and inculcate the soundest doctrines of mo- 
 rality. It is therefore the great worldly monitor to 
 teach us what is due to ourselves and to others. It 
 is in fact, a practical commentary upon the great 
 
155 
 
 and divine precept, ' that we should do to others, 
 what we would they should do unto us.' It is like- 
 wise a 'rule of action,' as hath been truly defined. 
 It must therefore be founded upon immutable prin- 
 ciples. It is intended for the daily use and go- 
 vernment of people of common sense — therefore, it 
 must of necessity be so plain and simple in its pre- 
 cepts, as to be within the comprehension of the 
 most ordinary understanding. Dost thou reve- 
 rence this noble science, my dear nephew ?" 
 "I do," replied I, bowing reverentially. 
 " Dost thou believe in Holt. Hale, Somers, Hard- 
 wicke, lord Raymond, chief justice Coke, judge 
 Buller, lords Mansfield, Thurlow, Ellenborough and 
 all the English judges ?" 
 
 " In every mother's son of them," said I, little 
 wotting that I had pledged myself to the belief of 
 greater contradictions, than I could digest for the 
 rest of my life. 
 
 "And in the common law ?" quoth he. 
 " I believe it to be the perfection of reason." 
 " Enough, my dear son — now take my last ad- 
 vice. Never resort to any tribunal but the com- 
 mon law, if you are aggrieved, assaulted, or de- 
 frauded. Esrhew the court of chancery, as clog- 
 ged, impestered, and corrupted by an infusion of 
 that mischievous quality miscalled equity, which 
 the common law abhorreth. Thou hast only to ap- 
 peal to the common law for redress — for that is the 
 perfection of reason." 
 
156 
 
 w It is the perfection of justice," said I. 
 c: I affirm it with my latest breath," said my good 
 uncle, and expired with a smile of triumph. When 
 the doctor arrived he discovered symptoms of a new 
 symptom, which he immediately christened by a 
 new name. There was a swelling under the tongue. 
 tt It was only an unnatural expansion of the orgaa 
 of common law — did he examine the angle of con- 
 structiveness," interrupted Mr. Le Peigne, the 
 third Wise Man of Gotham. 
 
 '* Not that I know of," said Mr. Quominus. 
 " What an imperfect machine your uncle must 
 have been," said the Man Machine, " not to know- 
 that in the perfect state of society, there is no use 
 for either law or gospel." 
 
 •• Very likely, 11 replied Mr. Quominus, " but he 
 was kind to me, and left me a <^ood estate. I am 
 therefore bound not to hear his memory insulted." 
 " No intention in the world," returned the other. 
 " but as you made free with the old gentleman 
 yourself" — 
 
 "That may be," quoth Mr. Quominus, u but I 
 don't like other people to take the same liberties." 
 He then proceeded with his narrative. 
 Finding myself in possession of a plentiful estate. 
 I determined not to enter upon the practice of the 
 law. except now and then con amore, and in the 
 meanwhile, amuse myself with such recreations as 
 my fortune placed in my power. As I was fond oi 
 
157 
 
 tiding, I bought a horse of a famous dealer, fois 
 which I paid a high price, being verbally assured 
 that he had an amazing number of good qualities, 
 and no faults. In a day or two, I discovered he 
 was broken-winded, and blind of an eye ; ol 
 eourse I insisted on returning the horse and re- 
 ceiving my money back again, on the ground of de- 
 ception. The jockey refused, alleging that neither 
 loss of wind, or of an eye, was the fault of the 
 horse, but his misfortune, and therefore when he 
 denied his having any fault, he practised no de- 
 ception whatever. Moreover, he snapt his fingers 
 at me in defiance. 
 
 This was in my opinion a proper occasion to re- 
 sort to the perfection of reason for redress. I ac- 
 cordingly invoked the shade of my uncle, and com- 
 menced taking my first practical lesson in the com- 
 mon law, by bringing a suit against the jockey. I 
 cannot describe my feelings on this first occasion of 
 applying to the grand tribunal of human reason — I 
 looked upon myself, as now exercising the highest 
 privilege that could possibly fall to the lot of hu- 
 manity, and entered the court with the awe of a 
 young devotee for the first time kneeling at the 
 shrine of his patron saint. Being somewhat addict- 
 ed to blushing, which our lecturer assured us was 
 always a sign of a bad cause, I employed on this 
 occasion, a lawyer, who was seldom, if ever, guilty 
 14 
 
158 
 
 of that legal enormity. The jury being called and 
 sworn, the trial commenced. 
 
 I proved all I thought necessary, namelv, that I 
 had paid the full price of a good horse, and got-one 
 that was good for nothing. I was satisfied that in 
 the eye of the perfection of reason, this would of 
 course be deemed a case of deception, if not fraud. 
 But 1 was mistaken with a vengeance — the perfec- 
 tion of reason was not so easily satisfied. 1 was 
 cross questioned for three quarters of an hour, bya v 
 fellow that had the throat and the impudence often 
 brazen trumpets, until 1 began to doubt whether I 
 had actually bought a horse, or a cow. I fell into 
 a horrible perspiration. As the trial proceeded, I 
 found this was not by any means so clear a case as 
 I imagined. Common sense to be sure would have 
 been perfectly satisfied that 1 had been cheated ; 
 but in the eye of common law and the perfection of 
 reason, it appeared exquisitely doubtful. The diffi- 
 culty was in finding out whether I had in fact re- 
 ceived a warrant) for the horse. My lawyer insist- 
 ed that paying the full price of a good horse, was 
 presumptive proof of warranty — no man in his 
 senses would wilfully give as much for a horse he 
 knew to be bad, as for a good one. The brazen 
 trumpet then attempted to prove me out of my 
 senses, at the same time stoutly maintaining that 
 by the perfection of reason, every man had a right 
 to the benefit of his superior knowledge in ma- 
 
159 
 
 king a bargain. He has a right too, to keep se- 
 cret every fact that may operate to his disadvantage. 
 
 " Accusare nemo se 'debet nisi coram deo," cried 
 he, "no man is obliged to accuse himself — or his 
 horse." 
 
 u Ignorantiu facli excusat^ exclaimed my cham- 
 pion, " my client was ignorant of the facts of blind- 
 ness and broken wind." 
 
 " fgnorantia non excusat legemf brayed he of 
 the trumpet. 
 
 " Communis error facitjus." retorted my lawyer. 
 "Lord Raymond is on our side, in addition to 
 whose high authority, I have four chief justices, one 
 baron in eyre, and equity besides in our favour." 
 
 " A fig for equity — common law has nothing to do 
 with it," brayed the trumpet. 
 
 '* In omnibus quidem maxime tamen, in jure Ae- 
 quitas est," exclaimed our side — "precedents innu- 
 merable in our favour." 
 
 " Pish ! — Judicandum est legibus non exemplis" 
 quoth trumpet — 
 
 "Caius, Ulpian, Tribonian." 
 
 " St. Thomas Aquinas." 
 
 "The French judges on our side." 
 
 " The English judges on ours." 
 
 "Do unto others as you would they should do 
 unto you." 
 
 " That's not law." 
 
 " No, but its gospel." 
 
160 
 
 £ ' Th'c opposite counsel must be hard run ior 
 Jaw, your honours, when he is obliged to resort to 
 gospel." 
 
 *" nine actum ab agent is intentione est Judican- 
 dum," said our side. 
 
 " Caveat Emptor !" answered the brazen 
 trumpet. 
 
 This did our business — at that awful annuncia- 
 tion my counsel was struck dumb, and word spake 
 nevermore — the judge nodded approbation — Ca- 
 veat emptor carried the day — the jury gave a ver- 
 dict in favour of the jockey, and my horse being 
 thus legally reinstated in the possession of his eye 
 and his wind, was left on my hands as an excellent 
 purchase. 
 
 I must acknowledge this decision a little un- 
 dermined my faith in the common law, as in addi- 
 tion to a bad horse on my hands, I had a bill of costs 
 to pay besides. However, impressions of long 
 growth and standing are not worn away at once. 
 To be sure, law was I found rather an expensive 
 article. But after all, it is the price that constitutes 
 the value of a thing in the common estimation, and 
 it is doubtful whether the ignorant would not come- 
 to despise the law, if they could get it for nothing. 
 Upon the whole, I continued to cherish a profound 
 devotion for the perfection of reason. 
 
 This devotion was, however, destined to receive 
 another shock, in consequence of a very trifling af- 
 
161 
 
 lair, which, however cost me no small expense and 
 vexation. It happened that one day being in imme- 
 diate want, I called in at a shop, picked out a pair 
 of ready made boots, paid for them the full price 
 and ordered them to be sent home. After wearing 
 them a day or two, they went to pieces, the leather 
 and workmanship being equally bad. Upon the 
 cobbler absolutely refusing to take back the boots 
 and return the money, or make any other satisfac- 
 tion, I again resorted to the great tribunal of human 
 reason. I was certain the law was on my side on 
 this occasion, for I had witnessed not long before a 
 decision on a case which I believed exactly paral- 
 lel, in which the buyer had recovered. I employ- 
 ed the same lawyer, who as ill luck would have it, 
 was again opposed by he of the brazen trumpet. 
 
 To make all sure, the boots were produced in 
 open court, and admitted on ail hands to be utterly 
 infamous. Even the opposite counsel could say 
 nothing in their behalf. But he had a great deal to 
 say for all that. He produced six maxims in good 
 law latin in his favour; but as my counsel matched 
 him with six more on our side, that account was 
 pretty well balanced. We then quoted opinions 
 and decisions without number, showing there was 
 always an implied warranty where a fair price was 
 given for a pair of boots. The opposite side deni- 
 ed that this was law, and to it they went, tooth and 
 nail; marshalling Grotius, Wolf, Puffendorf, UJpian. 
 14* 
 
162 
 
 Papinian, and Tribonian, Hale, Holt, Mansfield, 
 Thurlow and Ellenborough, against each other \ for, 
 however strange it may seem, the perfection of rea- 
 son, is precisely what the most reasonable people 
 differ about in toto. There was a bloody battle of 
 words between them, and all about a pair of bad 
 boots — that nobody denied were bad. 
 
 " 'Tis contrary to reason that a man should pay 
 for what is worth nothing," said we. 
 
 " Reason has nothing to do with the question." 
 said the other. 
 
 "Law is the perfection of reason — and the per- 
 fection of reason is to be honest." 
 
 " I appeal to the court if that is law ?" 
 
 The court decided it was not law. 
 
 " 'Tis reason and philosophy. Socrates, says- 
 that the principles of all law are founded in phi- 
 losophy." 
 
 "Pooh ! — Socrates was no lawyer." 
 
 "But he was a sage of antiquity." 
 
 " Yes, but he was not a sage of the law — and as 
 for antiquity — they had no books of reports, and 
 how should they know any thing of the law ?" 
 
 " But for all that," said my counsel, " lord Mans- 
 field calls Socrates ' the great lawyer of antiquity.' " 
 
 " The d 1 he does — I beg pardon of the ho- 
 nourable court — but really my surprise — lord Mans- 
 field says so — why. then there is something in it. 
 He was a sage of the law. I submit to the defini- 
 
163 
 
 lion of Socrates, and my learned friend is welcome 
 to all he can make of it. 1 ' 
 
 The two combatants, each in his turn, read a 
 number of opinions and cases, from a pile of books 
 as high as a man's head, each differing from the 
 other so completely, that I was at that moment se- 
 riously inclined to compare the law to Hydra, with 
 its hundred heads, each uttering a different lan- 
 guage. What, however, surprised me most, was. 
 that the opinions of our own judges seemed to 
 be of little or no authority. Whence I concluded 
 that human reason was not quite so perfect here, as 
 in England and elsewhere. I began to be weary of 
 all this turmoil about my boots, and fairly wished 
 them in the Red sea. 
 
 " May it please the court," said I, with due sub- 
 mission, " I thought I came here to be judged by a 
 court and jury of my own fellow citizens and not by 
 Grotius, Papinian, or my lord chief justice of Eng- 
 land, whom 1 don't wish to trouble about such a 
 small affair. To cut the matter short, if the coun- 
 sel on both sides will say no more about it, we will 
 put the law quite out of the question and leave it 
 to the jury to say whether the boots were bad ov 
 not." 
 
 " That is impossible," said the judge, " the law 
 must take its course now, and the cause be decided 
 secundum artem. Go on, gentlemen." 
 
 " Facilis descensus," said the brazen trumpet 
 winking at my counsel. 
 
164 
 
 Away Ihcy tilted again, and the desperate battle 
 of the books was renewed with greater vigour than 
 ever. Common law, civil law and statute law took 
 the field in the armour of a thousand words, and 
 long before the contest ended, neither m\ self or the 
 jury, such is the perfection of reason, could tell 
 whit was law, or what was reason — or whether 
 there were any sue!) things in the world. Law 
 maxims flew about like hail, and as it appeared to 
 me quite as much at random, for I confess I could 
 not make out the application of some of them. 
 
 '• Velutus pro lege semper habetur^ said the bra- 
 zen trumpet, "it has always been the custom to sell 
 bad boots and that is common law." 
 
 " Quid leges sine moribus rancic proficiunt ? What 
 are laws without morals, as Horace says." 
 
 " Horace was a jack pudding — the learned coun- 
 sel is irrelevant." 
 
 " Ubijus incerlum ibi just nullum — uncertain law 
 is no law." 
 
 " Tot homines quot sententiae — every man has a 
 diiferent opinion of his own." 
 
 " Semel mains semper praesumitiir esse malus — 
 your client has often cheated before." 
 
 "Caveat Emptor !" 
 
 I began to tremble and so did my counsel. Ne- 
 vertheless he would not give up the ghost — but 
 faintly rejoined — 
 
 " /Icquitas sequilur legem."- 
 
 X 
 
165 
 
 ;i Caveat Emptor !" 
 
 " Actus legis nulli facit injuriam," said we still 
 fainter and fainter. 
 
 " Caveat Emptor !" — brayed the trumpet, with 
 a blast that carried all before it. My counsel, 
 after gaining a little breath, said he committed his 
 cause to the court and jury. The judge then ad- 
 dressed the jury, as nearly as I can recollect, as 
 follows : 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, 
 
 " There are four kinds of law, the civil law, the 
 canon law, the statute law, and the common law. 
 Three of these are decidedly against the defendent, 
 but the fourth, which is the perfection of reason, 
 is fortunately for him, at least one half on his side. 
 It is true the other half is against him, but of 
 that 1 make no account since it appears sufficiently 
 evident from the authorities produced by the learn- 
 ed counsel for the defendent, that the half of the 
 law which is against him does not apply to the pre- 
 sent case. 
 
 "Gentlemen, law is the perfection of reason, 
 and of course, nothing but a perfect reason can 
 comprehend it. It is, therefore, not to be wonder- 
 ed at, that there should be so many different opi- 
 nions as to what law is. It is also a rule of action 
 — but every rule has its exceptions, and in some 
 cases the exceptions are very often too strong for 
 the rule. Law, gentlemen, I speak of common 
 
1G6 
 
 law, is also the wisdom of ages ; but as might rea- 
 sonably be inferred from experience, the wisdom of 
 one age being the folly of another, and the wisdom 
 of different nations altogether different in kind and 
 degree, there is much difficulty in defining exactly 
 what is the wisdom of ages. That it is the com- 
 mon law is certain, but nobody can tell exactly 
 what is the common law. It is best defined, as the 
 perfection of reason. 
 
 "Nevertheless, gentlemen of the jury, there is 
 not that uncertainty in the rules of the common 
 law, that might be inferred from these observations. 
 Various judges decide in various ways, and upon 
 various grounds. Sometimes we go according to 
 Lord Coke; sometimes according to Lord Hard- 
 wicke; sometimes according to Lord Mansfield — 
 sometimes according to law — and sometimes, but 
 very rarely according to our own conscience and 
 judgment of the case before us. Now. in this case, 
 gentlemen of the jury, conscience has nothing to 
 say — it must be quiet, and refrain from interfering 
 in the deliberations of the court, and the decision 
 of the jury. It is a question of common law — and 
 not of justice or equity. It is not for us to inquire 
 whether the boots were bad boots, or whether in 
 conscience or in honesty the maker ought to take 
 them back again, but whether the great maxim 
 which lies at the root of the common law, of Caveat 
 emptor, applies to this particular case. Gentlemen. 
 
167 
 
 the buyer is bound to beware in all purchases, and 
 most especially in purchasing from persons of bad 
 character. It appears by the testimony of credible 
 persons, that the defendant is notorious for selling 
 bad boots. Now if a person will deal with a 
 tradesman of bad character, it is his own fault if he 
 is taken in. The f.iult in the eye of the common 
 law, is not in the seller for being a rogue, but in the 
 buyer, for not governing himself by the maxim ca- 
 veat emptor, and taking care of himself more espe- 
 cially on this particular occasion. 
 
 "But we will admit for the sake of argument, 
 and not with any view to weaken the cause of the 
 defendant in this suit — that he is a man of fair cha- 
 racter. Still, gentlemen of the jury, this would 
 furnish no justification to the plaintiff in disregard- 
 ing the great maxim of Caveat emptor, since the 
 common law, which is the perfection of reason, 
 goes upon the supposition, that every man, whatever 
 may be the character he bears in society, is a rogue 
 in grain, and therefore, in dealing with all men it 
 is necessary to bear in mind, that Caveat emptor. 
 Hence it is absolutely requisite, that in all pur- 
 chases, the buyer should procure a warranty in or- 
 der to guard against this presumption of the com- 
 mon law. If he neglect this, he cannot pretend to 
 recover damages for any fraud or deception, except 
 in particular cases. 
 
 " In purchasing,' for instance, a pair of ill made 
 
168 
 
 boots, the whole question of fraud or deceptiou 
 turns upon the fact whether the shoemaker took 
 measure of him for that particular pair of boots or 
 not. If he did, the common law holds, that this 
 taking measure amounts to a warranty, and the 
 buyer is released from all responsibility to Caveat 
 emptor. If, on the contrary, no measure was 
 taken, the bootmaker however bad may be his boots, 
 is exonerated from all blame and responsibility in 
 the eye of the common law. And this distinction, 
 gentlemen of the jury, is manifestly founded in the 
 perfection of reason, and the wisdom of ages. 
 The mere act of measuring a man for a pair of 
 boots, is in the eye of the common law in the nature 
 of a covenant with warranty. And why? — a shoe- 
 maker's measure is either of parchment or paper — 
 if of parchment the covenant and warranty is the 
 Stronger. Now, gentlemen of the jury, it cannot 
 be necessary to apprise you, that all covenants arc 
 written either on parchment or paper, and accord- 
 ing to the reasoningof the common law, the substance 
 or material made use of in measuring a man for a paiv 
 of boots, being the same with that used in all cove- 
 nants, it follows, from analogy, that it is in the nature 
 of a covenant with warranty. This is one ground, 
 therefore, on which the law makes so wide a dis- 
 tinction between being measured for a pair of boots, 
 and purchasing the boots without being measured. 
 Another ground of distinction is this. The pre- 
 
169 
 
 sumption is, that when a man buys a pair of ready- 
 made boots of bad quality, without having been 
 measured for them, that these boots were actually 
 made for another person, or at least not expressly 
 for him. The intention, therefore, of the maker 
 was not to cheat him, but some other purchaser. 
 All that can be said is, that a bad bargain lay in his 
 way and he found it. There was no intention to 
 defraud him especially, and therefore, in the eye of 
 the common law, no fraud was practised towards 
 him individually. The buyer in this case has clear- 
 ly no right to redress for an injury not originally 
 intended against him, but someone else. It is like 
 an unintentional blow, which it is not lawful for him 
 to resent, and it is in the nature of a sort of Quix- 
 otic career, to undertake resenting wrongs, or re- 
 dressing injuries intended for other people. 
 
 "There is another light, gentlemen of the jury, 
 in which the conduct of the defendant is justified 
 in the eye of the perfection of reason. It is held 
 that every man is permitted to make a fair use of 
 his superior sagacity and knowledge, and that igno- 
 rance is no ground on the part of the buyer for set- 
 ting aside a covenant. The ignorant indeed are 
 apt in the extreme, to confound this exercise of su- 
 perior sagacity and knowledge, with downright 
 fraud and deception. But in the eye of the com- 
 mon law, and consequently in that of reason, there 
 is a wide and manifest distinction between deceiving 
 15 
 
170 
 
 an ignorant man by superior knowledge, and de- 
 ceiving him wilfully. 
 
 " Knowledge, gentlemen of the jury, is a quality 
 of which a man cannot divest himself at pleasure. 
 It is impossible for a wise man to be ignorant — or 
 to refrain from making use of his wisdom. If then 
 by an involuntary exercise of his knowledge of 
 facts, of value, of defect, or of quality in an arti- 
 cle, he deceives one ignorant of all these, and makes 
 a good bargain out of hi n, in the eye of the com- 
 mon law, which is the perfection of reason, this is 
 but the natural and inevitable consequence of the 
 eternal and irreversible distinction between know- 
 ledge and ignorance. As well might you expect 
 the stronger animal to yield to the weaker in a 
 contest of strength, as knowledge to yield to igno- 
 rance in a contest of bargaining. The more know- 
 ing man therefore does not deceive the other wil- 
 fully, which constitutes the essence of every of- 
 fence, but simply because he cannot help it if he 
 would. Physicians are punished for being flagrantly 
 ignorant of their profession, and people that choose 
 to make bargains without knowing any thing about 
 it, must take the consequences. 
 
 " The law in this case, gentlemen of the jury, is, 
 that the plaintiff, not being measured for his boots, 
 there is no implied warranty. The defendant is 
 therefore to be considered as having merely made 
 a legal use of his superior knowledge of boots, and 
 
171 
 
 the complaint of the plaintiff must be dismissed 
 with costs. You will find this laid down distinctly 
 in Twigg vs. Twist — and innumerable other cases. 
 The principle may in fact be said to be settled on 
 the immutable basis of common law, common sense 
 and common justice." 
 
 The jury were so convinced of the soundness of 
 these principles, that they gave a verdict against 
 me without leaving the court. One of them, it is 
 true, made me an apology afterwards. " We were 
 convinced you had been cheated abominably — but 
 the law was against you, and what could we do, my 
 good friend ?" 1 don't know, not 1, replied I, 
 hardly knowing what I said, for to confess the truth. 
 I began to be strangely bewildered in the fathom- 
 less profundity of the perfection of reason. It was 
 three days, before I got rid of a strange buzzing in 
 my head, and came to any tolerable perception of 
 the distinction between right and wrong. Indeed, 
 1 am free to confess, that this argument of the judge, 
 has ever since strangely confused me, so that to this 
 day, I am apt to mistake the voice of the law, for 
 the whisperings of conscience ; and to confound the 
 latitude allowed by the former, with the restrictive 
 morality of the latter. The continuation of my 
 story will furnish more than one example of this. 
 
 This last decision in the matter of the boots, 
 made me for sometime rather shy of the perfection 
 of reason, and I came to a resolution, like some 
 
172 
 
 quarrelsome persons who get winged once or twice 
 in a duel, never to go to law again, except on the 
 defensive. But it was not long before my habitual 
 confidence in the common law, together with the 
 last advice of my good uncle, again made me the 
 victim of Caveat emptor. 
 
 U happened about this time that an agricultural 
 society was instituted among us, and I became a 
 member, having a landed estate in the neighbour- 
 hood. In order to prove myself worthy of my sta- 
 tion, I went largely into the improvement of the 
 breed of horses, and purchased several fine ones from 
 time to time. One day a fellow brought me a most 
 beautiful animal, which he presented to me as a 
 full blooded horse, with a pedigree equal to a first 
 rate legitimate monarch. After a good deal of 
 chaffering, I purchased him at a great price, and 
 the exhibition of the society happening the next 
 morning, presented the animal, in the full expecta- 
 tion of bearing off the prize for the best horse in 
 the county. You may guess my astonishment and 
 mortification, when the committee of investigation 
 solemnly decided that my horse was a mare. They 
 all burst into a roar of laughter — the story circula- 
 ted through the fair with prodigious rapidity, and 
 there was a universal giggle that shook the very 
 firmament. I was quizzed to death, and to this day 
 the story is regularly told at the anniversary dinner 
 of our society. I was mortified to the bone, and 
 
173 
 
 determined on once more appealing to the per- 
 fection of reason, in spite of Caveat emptor, of 
 whom by this time I began to stand in great awe. 
 A fraud so open and palpable, I was assured 
 could not be sheltered even behind his sevenfold 
 shield. I could not rest a moment till I had 
 brought this rogue to condign punishment — which 
 was very unfortunate, for under various pre- 
 tences, he managed to keep off the suit for two 
 years — so that I lost two years sleep, in addition to 
 being the laughing stock of the society. But for 
 all this there is no doubt that the maxim, dila- 
 tiones in lege sunt odiosae — is as true as the gospel. 
 My uncle believed it, and so did I. But time 
 brings all things about at last. Time gives and 
 time takes away — -time strengthens, time weakens — 
 time builds up, and time pulls down — time brings 
 us into the world and time takes us out of it — time 
 in fact does every thing — it can even put an end to 
 a lawsuit. 
 
 My uncle used to dwell with rapture on the sub- 
 lime gravity of the law, and of those by whom it 
 was administered. But I am bold to say that on 
 this occasion, there was not much to be said in fa- 
 vour of either. However, as usual, I proved the 
 sex of the animal, and the fact of her being im- 
 posed on me for a horse. This seemed all that 
 was material to a decision of the case, and T re- 
 mained a few moments quietly expecting a charge 
 15* 
 
174 
 
 ii-OQi the judge to the jury denouncing most exem- 
 plary damages for the injury done to my character 
 and feelings, as well as a restitution of the purchase 
 money. So sure was I of the justice of my cause 
 that I had not employed any counsel. This was a 
 great oversight, since experience has taught me 
 that justice is blind, and of course requires a law- 
 yer to direct her. By this omission of mine, she 
 fell into the hands of the opposite counsel, who led 
 her astray entirely from my interests. His address 
 to the jury was, as nearly as I can recollect, as fol- 
 lows : 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury : The plaintiff in this 
 suit, relying, it would seem, on the justice of his 
 cause, has omitted to employ counsel, and thereby 
 set a most mischievous example to the world. He 
 has in effect committed a fraud, by withholding from 
 some worthy member of the profession the fee to 
 which his labours in the acquirement of legal know- 
 ledge have justly entitled him. Gentlemen, you 
 are bound to discourage this dangerous example. 
 by an exemplary verdict, ff it be only on theground, 
 that should it become general, you will in future be 
 deprived of the benefits of legal disquisition, and 
 left as it were alone in the wilderness of the law 
 with no other guides to a just decision, but the fee- 
 ble and uncertain lights of reason and conscience. 
 
 ''Gentlemen of the jury, the case on which yoa 
 are now to decide, is one of extreme intricacy, al- 
 
175 
 
 though to the eyes of superficial persons, it may ap' 
 pear as clear as the sun. Indeed it is a common 
 and fatal error, to suppose that justice, law, and 
 equity, can possibly be apparent to reason and con- 
 science at the first glance. Justice, gentlemen, is 
 represented as blind, and for what reason ? To in- 
 dicate that she cannot see, except through the ma- 
 gic spectacles of the law, upon the noses of the 
 learned counsel. Law, gentlemen, is represented 
 as a bottomless pit, and why ? To indicate meta- 
 phorically, that profound depth and obscurity which 
 baffles the visual organs of uninspired people. 
 Common law, gentlemen, what is it? It is the sub- 
 lime of incomprehensibility — it is the philosopher's 
 stone, which has baffled the wisdom and researches' 
 of ages — it is nothing, it is every thing — it is here, 
 there, every where, and nowhere. Sometimes it is 
 the conscience of the judge, and sometimes of the 
 jury — sometimes it is the voice of the dead, and 
 sometimes of the living— it comes from the mould- 
 ering tomb, and from the judges' bench — it is some- 
 limes in the head and sometimes in the heart — in 
 short, it is an ethereal essence, eluding the senses, 
 and sporting before the imagination — a mysterious, 
 inexplicable, indefinable and invisible guide, that 
 takes us by a hand which we cannot feel, leads us 
 by a light which we cannot see, to a consummation 
 utterly incomprehensible ! I beg pardon for this di- 
 gression, gentlemen of the jury, to which 1 have 
 
176 
 
 been tempted, by my veneration for the most sub 
 lime and mysterious of all sciences, and my desire 
 of warning you against indulging the common vani- 
 ty of supposing that the case is perfectly clear be- 
 cause it appears so to you. I trust, if you will ho- 
 nour me with a portion of your serious attention, i 
 shall ere long convince you, that it is one of the 
 most difficult and complicated cases on which the 
 wit of man was ever called upon to decide. It is 
 the error of ignorance to make up its mind quickly — 
 it is the province of learning to preserve the judg- 
 ment in that salutary equilibrium of doubt and un- 
 certainty, which keeps us from deciding at all, for 
 fear of deciding wrong. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, the question does not 
 turn upon a mare or a horse, nor upon the fact of 
 the animal being purchased by the plaintiff, for 
 one thing and turning out to be another. All this, 
 I say, has nothing to do with the question. The 
 question is, whether there was fraud in the contract- 
 or not, and to this I shall confine my argument. 
 Gentlemen of the jury, there are cases of fraud, and 
 cases of deception — there are intrinsic defects and 
 extrinsic defects that, under circumstances, may 
 vitiate a contract. Intrinsic defects are different 
 from extrinsic defects, and extrinsic defects are dif- 
 ferent from intrinsic ones. Intrinsic defects are 
 such as may not appear externally, and therefore 
 they may be made legal grounds for a presumption 
 
177 
 
 of fraud. Extrinsic defects, on the contrary, are 
 such as address themselves immediately to the five 
 senses, and are obvious at first sight. In order, 
 therefore, that the plaintiff may entitle himself to 
 relief in the present case, it is necessary for him to 
 prove that he was blind at the time of making the 
 purchase. If he was not blind, he must of necessity 
 have perceived the difference between a mare and 
 a horse, and having so perceived it, if he purchased 
 with his eyes open, he purchased wilfully, and can- 
 not plead deception. He became in fact a party 
 in the fraud. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, there are frauds so 
 monstrous as to amount to no frauds at all — decep- 
 tions so gross, open and palpable, as to argue, either 
 wilful co-operation on the part of the person said 
 to be deceived, or a total deprivation of the organ 
 of making bargains. In such cases it is necessary 
 for the person aggrieved, and seeking relief at the 
 hands of justice, to prove himself either non compos, 
 or so near it as to come within the statute of imbe- 
 cility? The plaintiff has neither done one or the 
 other ; on the contrary he affects to be learned in 
 the laws, and a judge of horses, although, 1 must 
 take leave to say that he is not very profound in 
 either. Upon the whole, gentlemen of the jury, 
 there is no ground for the charge of deception urged 
 against my client. The fraud would be too mon- 
 strous for human credulity ; it is, as I said before, too 
 great for a fraud. 
 
178 
 
 et But, gentlemen of the jury, we will suppose, for 
 the sake of argument, the plaintiff in this suit is 
 not only blind, but actually non compos. We will 
 suppose him, moreover, a notorious swindler, pick- 
 pocket and cheat — we will moreover suppose him 
 a person that has murdered his father, mother, un~ 
 uncle, aunt, and several others of his nearest rela- 
 tives — we will, in addition to this, suppose" — 
 
 I could stand this no longer — 
 
 " I beg pardon of the court," said 1, " but the 
 gentleman has no right to suppose any such thing." 
 
 " What, not for the sake of argument ? I appeal 
 to the court, whether it is not an allowable fiction 
 of law, to suppose, for the sake of argument, any 
 person we please, a rogue." 
 
 The judge decided that fictions of law, and argu- 
 mentative suppositions, were allowable, and the 
 counsel proceeded — 
 
 " As I was saying, gentlemen of the jury, when 
 the gentleman thought proper to interrupt me — wc 
 will suppose — but, as I perceive, these suppositions 
 are not relished by the gentleman, whose conscience 
 seems a little sensitive on these points — we will sup- 
 pose, gentlemen of the jury, for the sake of argu- 
 ment, that one half of you were non compos, and 
 the other half utterly incapable of distinguishing a 
 mare from a horse. Suppose further, fcr the sake 
 of argument, that one half of you were intoxicated 
 at this present moment, and the other half asleep. 
 
179 
 
 Or suppose, gentlemen of the jury, for the sake of 
 argument, that you were a low-bred, uneducated, 
 ignorant, obstinate, dirty" — 
 
 Here one of the jurymen, a stout, hard-featured 
 fellow, with little of the polish of any court but a 
 court of law, started up and exclaimed in a passion — 
 
 " I'll tell you what, Mr. Lawyer, if you go on 
 insulting the jury with your suppositions, dam'me if 
 I don't knock you down — for the sake of argu- 
 ment." 
 
 The counsel was rather alarmed at this formida- 
 ble threat; but the privilege of supposition was too 
 dear to his profession, and too essential to a long 
 speech, to be easily given up. 
 
 " Will the court permit itself to be insulted in 
 this manner?" said he. "Shall a counsel be intern 
 rupted in the regular discharge of his duty to his 
 client? I throw myself upon the protection of the 
 court, and appeal to your honour, whether I have 
 exceeded the reasonable line of discussion allowed 
 to counsel." 
 
 His honour decided that he had not, and threat- 
 ened to commit the juryman for contempt. "Go 
 on, Mr. Quodlibet." Mr. Qjodlibet proceeded — 
 
 "As the gentlemen of the jury, (at least one of 
 them) seem not inclined to lend a favourable ear to 
 my suppositions, I will take the liberty of supposing, 
 for the sake of argument, that your honour is a 
 judge who brings nothing to the bench with him, 
 
180 
 
 but a superficial knowledge of the quips, quibbles, 
 and quiddities of the law. I will further suppose-— 
 for the sake of argument — that your honour is a 
 man so utterly ignorant of those sublime distinc- 
 tions that mark the difference — the eternal and im- 
 passable separation between the two sexes. — as not 
 to know a horse from a mare. I will further sup- 
 pose — for the sake of argument — that your honour is 
 entirely destitute of the faculties of seeing, hearing, 
 tasting, smelling and feeling — that you are neither 
 mens sa?ia, nor corpore sano — that you are — in 
 short — for the sake of argument — a miserable, igno- 
 rant, conceited, supercilious pettifogger, destitute of 
 every faculty, but that of citing exploded decisions, 
 and applying them to wrong cases — that — for the 
 sake of argument — you are a mere parrot, saying only 
 what you have learned by rote — an echo repeating 
 nothing but eternal repetitions — that — " 
 
 At each of these suppositions, his honour became 
 more and more uneasy in his seat — he looked this 
 way, and he looked that — he blew his nose, wiped 
 his face, coughed and hemmed — but it came to be 
 too hot at last, and he could no longer stand the 
 cross fire of these suppositions. 
 
 '•Really, Mr. Quodlibet, 1 don't see — I — really, 
 sir. it appears to me. that your suppositions have 
 nothing to do with the question before the court and 
 jury. I cannot sit still and permit this line of dis- 
 cussion. Be pleased to confine your remarks to 
 
181 
 
 the case in hand. Really, sir, I don't like to hear 
 myself abused, even for the sake of argument." 
 
 " Why, may it please your honour," rejoined 
 counsellor Quodlibet, with a low bow — -"what can 
 I do ? The plaintiff has come here with malice 
 prepense — -he has brought no counsel into court, 
 and has offered no argument in his case. I must 
 therefore either suppose he has argued the question, 
 and oppose a speech that has never been made — or 
 I must suppose a case and argue that — or I must say 
 nothing, which is a case not to be found in any of 
 the books. Will your honour permit me to sup- 
 pose that the plaintiff has actually offered an elabo- 
 rate argument, in this case, and answer it accord- 
 ingly 1 I must either suppose a case, or suppose an 
 argument." 
 
 "Any thing you please, Mr. Quodlibet, so you 
 don't suppose me an ignoramus, or a rogue." 
 
 Mr. Quodlibet then went on with increasing ani- 
 mation, seemingly resolved to demolish the sha- 
 dowy counsel and his imaginary speech. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, the opposite counsel, or 
 rather the plaintiff in this suit, has asserted that a 
 mare is a horse." 
 
 " May it please the court, I asserted no such 
 thing." 
 
 " Well, then, gentlemen of the jury, the plaintiff 
 in this suit has ignorantly affirmed that a cow or a 
 bull are synonymous." 
 
 - 10 
 
182 
 
 i: I deny it, may it please the court.' r 
 u Well, then, gentlemen of the jury, the plaintiff 
 in this suit, has founded his claim to a verdict, upon 
 the preposterous assumption that the law was ex- 
 pressly devised to protect the weak, the ignorant 3 
 and the inexperienced, against the violence and 
 fraud of the strong and the cunning. Now, I af- 
 firm directly the contrary — I say, gentlemen of the 
 jury, the law, whatever may have been its original 
 intention, is now principally directed to the object 
 of securing to the cunning and experienced of this 
 world, the fruits of that knowledge and sagacity, to 
 which in the eye of reason they are justly entitled. 
 The law, at least the common law as it is now 
 quite settled by the decisions of the English judges, 
 rests upon the principle, that the weak and the ig- 
 norant are naturally, and therefore properly, the 
 prey of the strong and the cunning, as much so as 
 the weaker and less wary birds and beasts are oi 
 the more wily and powerful. In a state of nature, 
 strength and courage constitute right ; in a country 
 governed by the perfection of reason, superior 
 knowledge, sagacity and cunning. Hence origi- 
 nates the great maxim of Caveat emptor — (here I 
 began to quake) a maxim, gentlemen, which incul- 
 cates upon the purchaser of an) article whatever — 
 the necessity ol wariness, del beration, examination 
 and suspicion — which sa)s to him, if he makes a 
 bad bargain it is bis own fault — that if ho is igno- 
 
183 
 
 rant, it is his own fault — that if he is cheated, it is 
 his own fault — and that, to sum up all in one word 3 
 '■ Caveat Emptor.' " 
 
 His honour, after a charge of three quarters of an 
 hour, in which he told the jury, what the law was 
 not, at least twenty times, omitting at the same 
 time, to tell what it was, ended, so far as I can recol- 
 lect, nearly as follows : 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, to conclude — the case 
 mainly turns, after all, upon two points — first, whe- 
 ther a fraud may be so great, impudent, brazen and 
 enormous, as actually to lose its character, and be- 
 come something else. Secondly, whether, in the 
 eye of the common law, a mare is synonymous with 
 a horse — a horse with a mare. 
 
 '" As to the first point, I know of no case, nor any 
 decision, bea g directly upon it, by which to be 
 governed. I regret this, because I am thus under 
 the unpleasant necessity of being obliged to resort 
 to my own judgment to decide, a course extremely 
 troublesome and inconvenient, and savouring of 
 vanity. Fortunately, however, there is a decision, 
 in some one of the books, of a certain court of judi- 
 cature in the kingdom of Brobdignag, which, in the 
 absence of all other precedent, 1 shall rely on in 
 this case. It was there solemnly decided that a 
 man might be actually too little for a dwarf. Ar- 
 guing from the analogy of the two cases, I am in- 
 clined to believe, that if a man may be too little for 
 
184 
 
 a dwarf, so may a fraud be too great for a fraud. 
 Now, gentlemen, it is almost impossible to con- 
 ceive a more impudent, gross, and prodigious de- 
 ception, than to sell a mare for a horse, to a person 
 having the use of his eyes. It isln fact so gross a 
 fraud, that it is quite impossible to believe the de- 
 fendant intended it for a fraud. When a human 
 being gets beyond a certain size, he is no longer 
 called a man but a giant — so when a fraud is com- 
 mitted of an enormous magnitude, it ceases to be p. 
 fraud — it is a misnomer to call it a fraud, and the 
 plaintilf would be nonsuited upon that ground, it 
 there were no other. 
 
 " Touching the second point, gentlemen of the 
 jury, there is no doubt that in ordinary acceptation, 
 a mare is a horse, but it is not quite so clear that a 
 horse is a mare. The horse, gentlemen, or as he 
 is called in the latin tongue Eqinis, gave name to 
 the equestrian order in Rome, which was so called 
 from riding on horseback. Now, gentlemen, there 
 can be little doubt that many of these equestrians 
 rode upon mares, yet they were called indiscrimi- 
 nately horsemen. I am, therefore, inclined to be- 
 lieve that mare and horse were considered as syno- 
 nymous at that time. This is, however, opposed to 
 the maxim, that though a mare is a horse, a horse 
 is no mare, which being a common saying, whereof 
 the memory of man runneth not to the contrary, it 
 of equal authority with the common law, which 
 
185 
 
 Cometh from we know not where. If you believe; 
 gentlemen, that a mare is a horse, you will find a 
 verdict for the defendant — if you believe, on the 
 other hand, that a mare is not a horse, you will find 
 a verdict for the defendant on the ground that the 
 enormity of the fraud makes it no fraud at all — if 
 you believe, however, that a fraud is a fraud, how- 
 ever gross and palpable, you must still find a ver- 
 dict for the defendant on the ground that Caveat 
 E 
 
 MPTOR. 
 
 » 
 
 I never heard this word, that it did not sound-to 
 my cars like the croaking of the prophetic raven, or 
 the screeching of the ominous owl. The jury gave 
 a verdict for the defendant, with costs of suit, out of 
 due respect for Caveat emptor, and all I gained by 
 the perfection of reason, was a bill of costs a yard 
 Jong, and the laugh of the universe. I was, how- 
 ever, a little consoled, when an honest neighbour 
 told me 1 had certainly the most extraordinary 
 team in the world — "a sound horse that was blind 
 of an eye and broken-winded — and a mare that had 
 been miraculously metamorphosed into a horse, by 
 the magic of the common law." 
 
 Never, surely, was a man so jilted by his beloved 
 as I was by the common law. This last decision, 
 which established the doctrine, that a mare was a 
 horse, and a fraud no fraud, almost drove me mad, 
 and could I have conveniently found a country where 
 there was no such thing as law, I think I should cer- 
 16* 
 
180 
 
 (ainiy have sought it at that time. In truth, these 
 decisions coming thus one upon the back of another, 
 at first gave me a mortal distaste to the law, parti- 
 cularly the common law, with Caveat emptor at its 
 head. But when again, I reverted to the authority 
 of so many sages, all agreeing in pronouncing it the, 
 perfection of reason, 1 was thrown in the dilem- 
 ma of at length being obliged either to acknow- 
 ledge the perfection of the common law, or to con 
 fess myself an ass. I was never in truth very con- 
 fident in my own opinions, and yielding to the au- 
 thority of great names, and early impressions, I at 
 length came to the conclusion that the sense oi 
 justice, the suggestions of conscience, and the moral 
 feeling, by which it is supposed men may almost 
 instinctively decide upon what is right, and what is 
 wrong, were so many jack-a-lanterns, when put in 
 comparison with the steady light of the perfection 
 of reason. In short, I no longer depended in the 
 direction of my conduct upon my perceptions oi 
 moral justice. I considered the perfection of rea- 
 son as the only true guide, and yielded implicit 
 submission to Caveat emptor, firmly believing, that 
 \( 1 could only get him on my side, I might cheat,, 
 swindle and deceive, with perfect impunity, and in 
 strict conformity not only with the wisdom of ages, 
 but the perfection of reason. You will perhaps 
 wonder at this conclusion : but I am clearly of 
 opinion that many an honest man has been made a 
 
187 
 
 rogue, by being disappointed iu his search after 
 justice at the shrine of the common law, and many 
 a one perverted by its equivocal maxims. It is 
 too much in the nature of man, I fear, to convert 
 decisions against him, which his own innate sense 
 of right teaches him are immoral in their tendency 
 and unjust in their principles, into a warrant for the 
 indulgence of his own evil propensities. Unques- 
 tionably, he who has frequently appealed in vain 
 to the law for redress, in cases where his own con- 
 sciousness taught him he was right, will be more apt 
 ever afterwards, to study what is law, than what is 
 right, and square his morality accordingly. At 
 least, it was so with me, and, I have no hesitation in 
 confessing that at one time of my life, I became 
 little better than a ro^ue, merely through the seduc- 
 tions of Caveat emptor, and the perfection of reason. 
 While 1 was, however, wavering between my 
 early impressions of morality, and the temptations, 
 of the common law, I was unexpectedly called upon 
 to act on the defensive iu an affair of much greater 
 consequence than any of the preceding. This was 
 a suit brought for the recovery of the estate, which 
 I mentioned as having been gained by my uncle in 
 a lawsuit, at least thirty years before. He had re- 
 mained in quiet possession, and so had I, ever since • 
 I should as soon have expected a suit to turn me 
 out of my skin, as out of my estate. However, a 
 suit was brought, and by a man that had failed fout 
 
188 
 
 limes, since we had possession — given up all bin 
 property, or at least sworn he had done so — and 
 had never paid one tenth of his honest debts. If 
 lie ever had any rights in the estate, they should, 
 in the eye of justice, have belonged entirely to his 
 creditors. These, however, were all dead or dis- 
 persed, and the gentleman had now a fair field. 
 
 1 was served with a declaration of war, which 
 made my hair stand on end. First, I had entered 
 by force of arms, and violently taken possession of 
 this honest man's estate — I had beaten him with 
 staves, sticks, stones and what-not, till he had 
 scarcely a whole bone in his skin. Then I had not 
 only got possession vi cl armis, but not content with 
 this, had actually cheated him out of it afterwards. 
 In fact, if I remember right, I had got possession in 
 ten different ways. Nay, I did not stop here, 
 rogue as I was. I had fraudulently, forcibly, and 
 illegally kept possession, and forcibly, fraudulently 
 and illegally converted the proceeds of the said ho- 
 nest man's estate, to my own use, profit and behoof, 
 fraudulently, forcibly and illegally. Now I declare 
 solemnly, there was not one word of truth in all 
 this, yet it was no joke I assure you. 
 
 After this first shot, my antagonist cited me to 
 appear, defend myself, and make good my title. T 
 appeared, ready armed with two great lawyers, as 
 squires of the body, but as ill-luck would have it a 
 principal witness of the plaintiff was absent, and ap- 
 
189 
 
 plication was made to put off' the trial. Dilationes 
 in lege sunt odiosae, said his honor, and granted 
 the motion. The next term, I appeared as be- 
 fore — and the trial was again postponed. In thi& 
 way matters went on for five or six years, during 
 which my opponent, under one pretence or other, 
 put off the decision. The different judges never 
 failed to quote dilationes in lege sunt odiosae — but 
 then they all granted the delay odious as it was in 
 the eyes of the perfection of reason. I begged of 
 my counsel, as I was all this time kept in a state of 
 agitation and uncertainty, and could neither sell or 
 improve my estate, to bring matters to a close as 
 quick as possible. They assured me this was out 
 of the question — it rested with the plaintiff to bring 
 his suit up when he pleased. 
 
 " And how long can he delay it ?" 
 
 " Till doomsday — or until all his money is spent.'* 
 
 " Dilationes in leges sunt odiosae ," said I, shrug- 
 ging up my shoulders. 
 
 *' To be sure they arc," replied my counsel with 
 infinite gravity." 
 
 " And so he can keep me in this state of uncer- 
 tainty all my life ?" 
 
 " Yea — and you and your posterity for ever, to 
 the hundredth generation." 
 
 " And this is called the perfection of reason, when 
 any wretch may thus keep the lawful possessor of 
 property as long as he pleases, in this state of es- 
 
190 
 
 pense and suspeuse. This is the perfection of 
 ■reason !" 
 
 " Unquestionably — it is as reasonable that you 
 who enjoy the sweets of possession, should suffer 
 the fear of being turned out, as that he who endures 
 the pain of being out of possession, should enjoy 
 the hope of getting in. This is the perfection 
 of equal justice." 
 
 At length an aged person, upon whose recollec- 
 tion of the facts connected with the former history 
 of the estate, I had relied materially in maintaining 
 my title, died. The very next term, the plaintift 
 was ready and the trial came on. It was not the 
 absence of one of his witnesses but the^ presence 
 of one of mine, that was so inconvenient to him. 
 The trial occupied three days — one in hearing tes- 
 timony — and two in hearing speeches, which after 
 all signified nothing as it appeared. It was the 
 cases cited, that decided the question of right. My 
 counsel cited Holt — but he was knocked down by 
 chief justice Buller, who butted him quite out oi 
 court. After this first round they took a little 
 breath, and to it again. The opposite counsel 
 cited Strange — and mine Espinasse — they quoted 
 Fonblanque — and we Dallas — " Pish," said they, 
 " this is only a dictum of one of our own judges." 
 "Your honour will turn to page 116, vol. 112. 
 Troutback vs. Sturgeon." " Your honour," cried 
 we, " will please to turn to page 250, vol. 99, Crane 
 
191 
 
 ' s. Feaeoek." " Lord Coke says"—" Lord Maus- 
 deld affirms, your honour, in the famous case of 
 Cock-a-doodle manor, which settled the principle." 
 This last blow ended the second round, and in fact- 
 decided the question in my favour. Lord Mans- 
 field carried all before him, and our adversaries 
 never held up their heads afterwards. They 
 gave in at the third round, with a faint effort at 
 milling a little with Glanville, and a few of the old 
 school fancy. 
 
 The judge was at last permitted to say a little for 
 himself. In truth I began to think, he was to have 
 nothing to do in the business and that my cause was 
 to be tried by the judges of England, not those of 
 my own country. I have not sufficient recollection 
 of his charge to repeat it, but I remember his de- 
 cision turned altogether on the authority of lord 
 Mansfield. Such was his exemplary modesty, that 
 he never intruded his own opinions, or appeared to 
 consult his own judgment. This seemed rather 
 odd to me, although, I had by this time become 
 pretty well accustomed to it. I could not help think- 
 ing that a plain man of good judgment and acquire- 
 ments, who had heard all the testimony appertain- 
 ing to this special case, was better qualified to de- 
 cide upon it, than even my lord Mansfield, meaning 
 no disrespect to his lordship — who died long ago, 
 and never dreamed of me, my adversary or my 
 cause. Thanks, however, to my lord, to whom I 
 
192 
 
 shall ever feel grateful, and who I have no doubt 
 was a very clever fellow, I gained my suit, and re- 
 joiced mightily in the laws, which were now entire- 
 ly restored to my good graces. 
 
 But 1 might have kept my joy for a better oppor- 
 tunity. My honest friend was not satisfied like me. 
 with my lord Mansfield's decision. He appealed to 
 a superior court — but luckily lord Mansfield reigned 
 paramount there also, and again I was triumphant. 
 It cost me all the proceeds of my estate that year 
 though ; it was one of Pyrrhus' victories. My 
 honest friend again appealed to a still higher court ; 
 1 thought there was no end to them. Here he kept 
 me dangling for three years more, waiting, as he 
 afterwards boasted, for some new decision of an 
 English judge, that should overthrow lord Mans- 
 field's doctrine, and turn it upside down. At length 
 such a decision was made by a sage of the bench ; 
 one in fact that seemed made exactly to suit his 
 purpose. It was directly in the teeth of his lord- 
 ship, and unsettled the law of at least half a centu- 
 ry. In charging the jury, his honour, delivered 
 himself to this effect : 
 
 "Gentlemen of the jury: The perfection and 
 beauty of the law consists in this — that it is not 
 only a rule of action, but a rule which, being found- 
 ed in the perfection of reason and the wisdom of 
 ages, is not liable to those changes, to which all else 
 is subjected in this world. Such is the stability of 
 
193 
 
 ibis rule of action, that a man may at all times 
 know the extent of his rights and his duties, and 
 the course necessary for him to pursue, in order to 
 secure those rights and perform those duties. Law 
 is, in fact, the result of the perfection of reason, 
 based on the accumulated wisdom of ages. This 
 may be most especially affirmed of the common 
 law, which is expressly founded upon maxims and 
 practices, so ancient that the memory of man run 
 neth not to the contrary thereof. 
 
 "Yet, gentlemen of the jury, certain self-suffi- 
 cient persons, misled by that ignis-fatuus common 
 sense, have affected to lament that, notwithstanding 
 this perfection of the common law, it is exposed to 
 one very serious imperfection. In the lapse of 
 ages, necessary to produce that perfect oblivion 
 of the origin of any rule or custom which makes it 
 amount to law, mankind have from time to time 
 forgot what the custom actually is, and great doubts 
 and uncertainties arise in consequence thereof. 
 Thus, say these cavillers, though there is no doubt 
 that the common law is really and truly the perfec- 
 tion of reason, if we could only rescue it perfectly 
 from the obscurity of ages, yet, as it is, we 
 must take it as we find it laid down by persons 
 who differ continually from each other. The 
 mischief, continue they, is, that such is the diversi- 
 ty, the waywardness, the pride and the obstinacy cf 
 17 
 
194 
 
 human reason, that these oracles differ one among 
 another, upon almost every principle of the common 
 law. By this means, the common law, in effect, 
 ceases to be a rule of action, since it is impossible 
 to say that a dozen different rules can make one 
 rule. 
 
 " In order to decide upon these contradictoiy 
 decisions, different judges resort, not to their own 
 opinions, but to the opinions and decisions of 
 others. Some are of opinion, that as the whole 
 force and authority of the common law is derived 
 from its antiquity, it follows, of course, that the 
 people of these remote ages were wiser than those 
 which succeeded them. As a matter of course, if 
 this position be correct, then the decisions of per- 
 sons living the nearest to the sources and origin of 
 the common law, must be of the greatest authority 
 in settling its principles. They argue that if those 
 ages, and sages, which produced and expounded 
 the doctrines and practice of the common law, 
 were not wiser, or at least as wise as we are at pre- 
 sent, it were best to discard it entirely, or so modify 
 it as to make it comport with the wisdom of the 
 present times. 
 
 " Some, gentlemen of the jury, on the olher- 
 hand, maintain a contrary doctrine, in expounding 
 the principles of the common law. They argue 
 Ibat as it is a received axiom, that every succeed- 
 
195 
 
 ngage is wiser than its predecessor, the probability 
 is, that it must produce wiser men in every science. 
 Hence, it would seem to follow, say they, that: 
 those decisions which approach the nearest to oui 
 time should be most relied upon, — in other words, 
 that every succeeding decision, is of weightier au- 
 thority than the preceding one; and consequently 
 that it operates somewhat in the nature of a new 
 law, which abrogates the old. Among those who 
 believe that human reason is every day becoming 
 more perfect, I profess myself to be one, and of 
 consequence I consider, the latest decisions on points 
 of law as unquestionably the best. We'prefernew 
 fashions in dress, furniture and other matters, on 
 account of their superior elegance, and why should 
 we not in like manner, prefer new opinions ? There 
 .is in fact a fashion in science and literature as well 
 as in every thing else ; and not to follow it, is to 
 depart from the spirit of the age. A man who 
 should at this time of day, believe in animal mag- 
 netism, and reject phrenology, would be considered 
 quite as antediluvian as one that should discard 
 high capes and put on high cuffs. Were a physi- 
 cian to confine himself to the lessons of experience, 
 and invent no new theories, he would never be- 
 come president of a medical college — and were a 
 lawyer to found his practice on the simple rules of 
 a written code, it is almost a moral certainty, that 
 lie would never erow rich. There would be an 
 
IDG 
 
 clad to the- glory of the profession, and the still 
 more glorious uncertainty of the law. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, it is a vulgar error to 
 suppose, because the common law is the perfection 
 of reason, that it is to remain stationary and unal- 
 terable. To be permanently perfect, it must be 
 changing continually, in order to accommodate itself 
 to the wisdom of the age, which for the time being. 
 is always the perfection of wisdom. Every thing 
 new, is undoubtedly an improvement upon the old. 
 It may be objected, perhaps, to this doctrine, that 
 as the common law is a rule of action, it is indis- 
 pensable that the rule should be known to all, and 
 consequently that it should be permanent. Thi^ 
 reasoning is entirely fallacious. In the first place, 
 there is no necessity that a rule should be settled, 
 or permanent, to constitute it a rule. The moon 
 changes every day, and yet nobody denies it to be 
 a moon. No two years are exactly the same, and 
 yet the seasons remain unalterable — and no man 
 continues unchanged to the end of his life — yet no- 
 body denies that he is still the same man. So is 
 the rule a rule, though it should alter every day of 
 the year. The same fallacy is observable in the ar- 
 gument, that a rule of action should necessarily be 
 known to those who are expected to be guided by it 
 in the common affairs of life. Such a doctrine, 
 gentlemen, would be fatal to the liberal and learned 
 professions. Men are expected to get well, when 
 
197 
 
 they grow sick — yet is it absolutely requisite to 
 have physicians to cure them. They are, more- 
 over, expected to be acquainted with the laws 
 which are to regulate their conduct — yet it is ne- 
 cessary to have lawyers and judges to interpret 
 them, which we all know is rather a difficult mat- 
 ter. If mankind were all virtuous, there would be. 
 no need of preachers — if they were all in good 
 health, there would be no occasion for doctors — 
 and if they were all wise, there would be no occa- 
 sion for lawyers or judges — for no man would ever 
 go to law. 
 
 "Gentlemen of the jury, I flatter myself, I have 
 now succeeded in establishing the following posi- 
 tions : First, that the common law is the perfection 
 of reason, because it adapts itself to our reason, or 
 our reason adapts itself to the common law. Se- 
 condly, that inasmuch, as the common law derives 
 its authority from its early adoption by our ances- 
 tors, it seems to follow as a matter of course, that 
 the latest decisions on it must be the. most irrefraga- 
 ble. There is thus the wisdom of invention belong- 
 ing to our ancestors, and the wisdom of improvement 
 belonging to their descendants — both which, com- 
 bined, constitute the perfection of reason. Thirdly, 
 that though the law is a rule of action, there is no ne- 
 cessity that it should either be understood b) every 
 body alike, nor indeed by any body but gentlemen 
 of the profession. Nor is it proper that even thev 
 17* 
 
198 
 
 should understand it exactly alike, for in that case 
 the judges instead of having perhaps ten or a dozen 
 different opinions to take their choice of, would he 
 confined to one alone. Besides this, as two differ- 
 ent opinions are necessary to a suit at law, if the 
 rule were so simple and plain as to be comprehend- 
 ed by persons of ordinary understanding, there 
 would be none but fools that would go to law, and 
 that would destroy the dignity of the profession. 
 Fourthly, that a rule of action need not be perma- 
 nent to constitute it a rule, as instanced in the case 
 of the moon, which, although not laid down in any 
 of the books, is conclusive. 
 
 " From these positions it results, gentlemen of 
 the jury, that you will find a verdict for the plain- 
 tiff. I am free to confess, that had the decision of 
 lord Mansfield, in the matter of the manor of Cock- 
 a-doodle, been posterior to that of my lord chic t 
 justice Bridlegoose, I should have given an opinion 
 directly to the contrary. The decision of judge 
 Bridlegoose, b.eing the latest, is certainly the best, 
 as he has the advantage not only of lord Mansfield's, 
 but his own wisdom besides, to direct him — which 
 is two to one at least. I acknowledge it is a hard 
 case, gentlemen, a very hard case — and I could al- 
 most wish judge Bridlegoose had delayed his opi- 
 nion till this suit was decided. The defendant has, 
 however, his remedy at law. He can wait till a 
 new opinion comes out, in opposition to judge 
 
199 
 
 Bridlegoose, and then commence a suit for the re- 
 covery of his property. 1 ' 
 
 What a pity lord Mansfield had not been a little 
 later in coming into the world ! I should have been 
 a rich man probably to this day, in spite of the per- 
 fection of reason. As it was, I lost my estate, only 
 because judge Bridlegoose unfortunately for me, 
 had the last word. I would have appealed from 
 this decision, but unluckily there was no court to 
 appeal to — we had got to the top of the ladder, and 
 there was an end to the perfection of reason. 
 
 This blow was soon followed up by another, and 
 yet another, which both together left me destitute 
 of every thing like real property in this world, if 
 the word real can apply to any thing which lies at 
 the mercy of the perfection of reason. In pro- 
 ducing the papers necessary to establish my right 
 to the property of which I had been divested, in 
 the manner just related, by the perfection of judge 
 Bridlegoose's reason, I unwarily exhibited two 
 deeds relating to two other pieces of land of which 
 my good uncle and his ancestors had been in pos- 
 session almost a century. It happened that one of 
 these was without a seal, and the other did not spe- 
 cify that the conveyance was made to the purchaser, 
 his heirs and assigns for ever. The lawyer who ex- 
 amined them, immediately scented a couple of ex- 
 quisite lawsuits. He went to work and after more 
 than half a year's indefatigable research discover- 
 
200 
 
 cd the heirs of the persons from whom my uncle 
 derived his title. 
 
 I was again accused, in technical phrase, of as- 
 saulting, beating, bruising and maltreating, some 
 half a dozen men, women and children whom I 
 had never seen, and of fraudulently keeping pos- 
 session of property, which had descended to me 
 through two or three generations. Formerly I 
 should have smiled at these attempts to dispossess 
 me, but I began to doubt whether, in the eye of the 
 perfection of reason, there was such a thing as an 
 indefeisible title even to the possession of a man's 
 own head. Besides, I was horribly afraid that 
 judge Bridlegoose might have been giving another 
 opinion, that would do my business as effectually 
 as the first. 
 
 In the first of these cases the flaw in my title con- 
 sisted in the want of a seal to the deed of convey- 
 ance. There was no doubt as to the hand-writing 
 of the person who made it ; but still it was contend- 
 ed that the absence of the seal rendered the whole 
 a nullity. It was the seal and not the hand writing 
 which verified the instrument. I produced receipts 
 for the purchase, proving beyond doubt that a full 
 and fair value was given and received, but all would 
 not do. Even my own counsel had nothing to say- 
 in favour of my right. All argument was waved 
 for once, and the judge gave his charge to the jury. 
 I was rejoiced to see that he was a different person 
 
201 
 
 from the judge who had such a great opinion of 
 chief justice Bridlegoose, but I soon found I had 
 only got out of the fryingpan into the fire. His 
 honour began — 
 
 "Gentlemen of the jury : I cannot sufficiently con- 
 gratulate both myself and you, that we are here deli- 
 berating and deciding under the purest and most per- 
 fect system of laws, with which any people were ever 
 blessed ; a system combining the wisdom of our an- 
 cestors with that of our own — a system happily cha- 
 racterized by the sages of the law, as the result ot 
 the experience of ages, and the perfection of reason. 
 J speak, gentlemen, of the common law — which is, 
 I will venture to say — I can hardly say what it is — 
 sometimes it is one thing, sometimes another — some- 
 times it is founded upon a rule, and sometimes upon 
 exceptions to a rule — sometimes it is defined and 
 sometimes it is not defined — sometimes it is thepro- 
 duct of ages of darkness, illustrated and explained by 
 the wisdom of ages of light — and sometimes it is the 
 offspring of ages of light, mellowed down as it were 
 into an agreeable twilight, by the obscurities of 
 ages of darkness. It is in fact, gentlemen, a chaos 
 of wisdom and experience, out of which issues 
 beauty and order, as did the fair creations of this 
 harmonious universe. Even its inconsistencies and 
 diversities, may be justly said to contribute to its un- 
 equalled perfection. As in a concert, the different 
 instruments all played by different persons, and the 
 different voices attuned to different pitches, men. 
 
202 
 
 women and children ; counter, tenor, treble, anu 
 bass, all conduce to the nicest and most accurate 
 harmony ; so do the different opinions of different 
 judges and jurists, administer to the harmony, beau- 
 ty and perfection of the common law. 
 
 " Another excellence peculiar to the common 
 law, is its 'capacity of adapting itself to times, 
 changes and circumstances, without any other vio- 
 lence than an occasional departure from common 
 sense, a species of instinct which the law holds in 
 little respect. Hence we rind it in one age, one 
 thing, in another age, another thing — in the mouth 
 ol one judge- it speaks one opinion, in that of an- 
 other judge, another opinion, according to the vari- 
 ations produced by time, the difference of climate, 
 the wind, the fashion and other modifying circum- 
 stances. Hence too, and this is another peculiar 
 excellence of the law, that let a man's case be ap- 
 parently ever so bad, it is ten to one but he can hud 
 somewhere or another, a decision of some court or 
 judge, that makes in his favour. This is what is 
 meant by the law iooking with equal e)es on all 
 persons, and presuming even man to be innocent 
 till he is found guilty. The common law has in 
 fact all the qualities of the famous pair of enchant- 
 ed seven-league boots, which, it is recorded, titled 
 even bod), great and small, from little Hop-o'- 
 my-thumb, to the great giant Biunderbore. 
 
 Gentlemen of the jury, the common law is, above 
 
203 
 
 alljVenerableforits antiquity, a point on which I shall 
 insist, particularly, as it has a direct bearing upon 
 this case. Its very essence consists in the obscurity 
 of its origin, like the claim of many families to no- 
 bility. From this early origin arises the indispen- 
 aible requirement of the common law, that a seal 
 should be necessary to constitute a legal convey- 
 ance of real property. The necessity of this, will 
 become sufficiently apparent, when we consider the 
 fact, that in those remote periods, which produced 
 that stupendous edifice of wisdom, called the com- 
 mon law, not one in a thousand, could either read 
 or write. I leave it to you, gentlemen of the jury, 
 to explain how it happened, as it did undoubtedly 
 happen, that the perfection of wisdom should have 
 originated in the perfection of ignorance. It is a 
 severe reflection upon learning and refinement, cer- 
 tainly, that to this day they have not been able to 
 improve upon this great work of ignorance and bar- 
 barity. However, this we must leave to inquirers 
 in other places — until the English judges have de- 
 cided upon this matter, I shall hold my tongue. 
 People that cannot write, or who consider writing 
 beneath their dignity and rank, generally make 
 their mark now-a-days, in the shape of a cross, to 
 indicate, I imagine, that by this sacred symbol, they 
 pledge themselves to what they have thus signed. 
 But in those early ages of the perfection of reason, 
 it was the custom to affix a seal bearing some Jc • 
 
204 
 
 gcnd or device, identifying it with the person to 
 whose act, or deed, it was appended. This custom 
 appears at least as ancient as the aera of Solomon, 
 and thus far we can distinctly trace the antiquity of 
 this peculiarity of the common law. Gentlemen, 
 Solomon was a wise man and must have had good 
 reasons for what he did. The seal of Solomon is 
 frequently alluded to in the Koran. In like manner 
 we find the ancient kings of Asia, signifying their 
 sovereign behests, by sending a person with their 
 seal, as evidence of the orders he carried. To in- 
 trust a favourite with a seal in the days of Ha- 
 roun Alraschid, was to give into his hands the 
 power of the whole empire of the Caliphs. The 
 custom, therefore, of affixing a seal, is sanctioned 
 by great names, and long usages, the eternal basis 
 of truth and justice. 
 
 " The practice thus derived from the remotest 
 antiquity, subsists in the present age, in the law 
 alone, the great depository of all the sacred relics 
 of time and ignorance, preserved by the hallowed 
 industry of the profession. I had like to have for- 
 gotten, however, <o observe that the reasons on 
 which it was founded have entirely ceased. In this 
 country at least, almost all persons of both sexes, 
 who can ever be supposed in a situation to make 
 conveyance of land, can write their names. If there 
 should be occasionally a solitary instance to the 
 contrary, witnesses can always be obtained to sign 
 
205 
 
 iheir names, and thus verify the instrument. I will 
 not deny too, that the signature of a person in his 
 own proper hand-writing, properly attested by 
 witnesses, and verified by the signature of a ma- 
 gistrate, is rather stronger evidence of authen- 
 ticity than the mere affixing a seal. But this 
 does not in reality render a seal less necessary, as 
 a corroborative and security, in addition to the sig- 
 natures. It is easy for a man to sign the name of 
 another, and to imitate it with sufficient exactness 
 for all the purposes of fraud ; but it is not so easy 
 to get a wafer or bit of wax for a seal. The seal, 
 therefore, is additional security that the instrument 
 is genuine. Besides, if it were not so, the very 
 tenor of the instrument is " witness my hand and 
 sea/." Now, if there is no seal, the conveyance 
 asserts what is not true — it presents on the face of 
 it a falsehood — it is therefore a fraudulent conve}- 
 ance, and must be set aside." 
 
 The jury accordingly set it aside ; and thus was I 
 deprived of my land, only because king Solomon, 
 and Haroun Alraschid, not being able or willing to 
 write their names, signified their sovereign will by 
 a seal. It is not for nothing, that the most enlight- 
 ened statesmen consider learning as so mischievous 
 an ingredient in human affairs. If there had been 
 no such villanous practice as that of writing of 
 names, my unlucky conveyance would have had a 
 seal to it, and I might have been in quiet possession 
 18 
 
JOG 
 
 of my land to this day. As it was, 1 lost it for lack 
 of a wafer, or a little bit of wax, not worth a stiver. 
 I confess I considered it rather a hard case, that I 
 should lose one estate in consequence of one judge's 
 veneration for the latest, and a second on account 
 of another's veneration for the earliest practice un- 
 der the common law. 
 
 Well was it said that riches make to themselves 
 wings and fly away ; and if I am not mistaken, one 
 of these wings is the common law. At least it was 
 so with me. The very next day, as if to take me 
 while I was going, the other cause came on, for the 
 farm that had only been conveyed to my grand- 
 father, and not to his heirs, as was undoubtedly 
 intended by both parties. The amount of the 
 purchase money was acknowledged on all hands to 
 be far too great to admit of the supposition that 
 my ancestor, who was at the time of purchasing, 
 almost seventy years old, contemplated only a life 
 estate. Common sense offered another presump- 
 tion in my favour, in the fact that the property had 
 never been questioned or claimed till the present 
 moment, a lapse of more than half a century, 
 by the adverse party. But these presumptions, 
 although conclusive in the eye of common sense, 
 were of no account in the estimation of the per- 
 fection of reason. The law was against me, and 
 there was an end of the business. It was, more- 
 over, an old law, which like old wine ought always 
 
207 
 
 to take precedence. Moreover, it had been no 
 doubt founded in the perfection of reason at some 
 time or other, and though the reasons had long 
 since ceased to exist, still the law remained, and it 
 was the perfection of reason to retain the law, 
 when the reason had passed away. It was unques- 
 tionably the misfortune of my ancestor that the 
 conveyance was not full — but Caveat Emptor ! 
 Whenever I heard Caveat Emptor quoted, 1 knew 
 it was all over with me, and quietly resigned myself 
 to be dealt with according to the perfection of rea- 
 son, which has decided that if one man places con- 
 fidence in another, he forfeits all right to the pro- 
 tection of the common law. Thus it appeared to 
 me that while the law inculcated morality, it upheld 
 fraud — an inconsistency which could not but be 
 highly injurious to the integrity of mankind. The 
 judge charged the jury, that though there was not 
 the least doubt that the property was purchased 
 in fee simple for ever, and that it was both unjust 
 and unreasonable to deprive me of it — yet, as by 
 the common law, which was undoubtedly the per- 
 fection of reason, I had no title to the possession, 
 they must of necessity find against me. As by 
 the common law and indeed the law in general, a 
 jury is considered as having no comprehension of 
 any thing but matter of fact, a verdict was given 
 against me as a matter of course. The opposite 
 party condoled with me on this untoward result ; 
 
208 
 
 but comforted me at the same time with the assu- 
 rance that though he had an undoubted claim to 
 ♦he back rents, for at least half a hundred years, still 
 he was too generous to bring it forward against me. 
 
 Thus does the law visit the sins of the father upon 
 the children to the third and fourth generation, and 
 thus was I dispossessed of three estates, one aftei 
 'lie other — the first, by the authority of my lord chiei 
 justice Bridlegoose, who was good enough to decide 
 upon my case without my knowledge or consent — 
 the second, by the inexcusable carelessness of one 
 ancestor in omitting to have his deed sealed, as well 
 as signed — and the third, because another of my 
 ancestors, forgot that in buying for himself he was 
 not buying for his heirs. I think, however, I may 
 say with perfect truth, that the trouble my losses 
 gave me was nothing to the trouble I had to recon- 
 cile these decisions to the wisdom of ages and 
 the perfection of reason. My perplexity was such, 
 that I fell sick, and for some time became actually 
 deranged in the attempt to bring about this hope- 
 less reconciliation. In short, I fairly lost my wits 
 in searching for the wisdom of ages and the perfec- 
 tion of reason in the inextricable labyrinth of the 
 common law. When I recovered, I was told that 
 during my temporary alienation of mind, I had de- 
 livered more than one legal opinion, that would 
 have done honour to a lord chancellor. 
 
 On my recovery, my thoughts naturally turned 
 
209 
 
 to the state of my affairs. What, with the wisdom 
 of ages, the perfection of reason, and judge Bridle- 
 goose, I had scarcely sufficient left for the support 
 of a gentleman. 1 had a few thousands in the 
 funds, but did not know how soon I should be de- 
 prived of these, by the decision of judge Bridle- 
 goose, or some new luminary of the law that might 
 spring up in foreign parts, to my utter confusion and 
 ruin. In casting about for the best means of re- 
 trieving my affairs, an opening seemed to present 
 itself in the pursuits of commerce. I saw hun- 
 dreds around me, apparently sporting in the sun- 
 shine of wealth, and rising from nothing to the 
 summit of opulence, as if my magic. I resolved 
 to commence business, upon the capital I had still 
 left, and the experience I had acquired in the com- 
 mon law. 1 flattered myself I understood Caveat 
 Emptor pretty well, and with it all the mysteries of 
 bargaining. 
 
 I must apologize for the transactions of that por- 
 tion of my life upon which I am now entering. I 
 confess, when I look back I am ashamed of it. But 
 we have covenanted to disguise nothing from each 
 other, and I shall not spare myself. Thus much, 
 however, I will offer in extenuation. I had been 
 accustomed from my earliest youth to consider the 
 common law, not only as the perfection of reason, 
 but as the standard of moral obligation, the guardi- 
 an of ignorance, the protector of weakness ; and 
 18* 
 
:210 
 
 ihe shield of the oppressed. But I had appealed 
 to it to avenge frauds committed upon me in vain, 
 and I had heen stripped of a large portion of my 
 property, by decisions which my own reason, that 
 guide and monitor which is the only true prompter 
 of man's conscience, proclaimed were not only un- 
 just, but absurd and ridiculous. These decisions 
 had not only weakened my respect for the laws, 
 but my perceptions of right and wrong. Awed by 
 the authority of ancient usages, and great names to 
 support them, I was often tempted to think, that I 
 had myself mistaken the immutable principles of 
 morality and justice, and that the laws were after 
 all the only unerring standard. In that case, I had 
 a right to make use of the experience I had so 
 dearly purchased, and to avail myself of the know- 
 ledge which had cost me so much. Heaven knows 
 I had paid dear enough for it, and I thought I might 
 exert it, agreeably to the precepts of the wisdom of 
 ages and the perfection of reason. In fine, gentle- 
 men, I believe it will too frequently be found, that 
 a man who often appeals in vain to the laws when 
 his own reason and conscience teach him that his 
 cause is just; or who suffers by their operation, 
 without any fault of his own, will be very apt either 
 to take the law into his own hands, or revenge his 
 injuries and disappointments, by converting his 
 dear bought experience into the means of repairing 
 his losses, at the expense of others. There is no- 
 
211 
 
 thing perhaps which is so productive of violence 
 and fraud, as a general want of confidence in the 
 justice of the laws. 
 
 I confess with shame and contrition that I enter- 
 ed into trade with a full resolution of making Ca- 
 veat Emptor pay back all it had deprived me of in 
 the whole course of my life. I was not quite a 
 rogue ; but I was sufficiently so I fear to go to the 
 full length morality of the common law — and that 
 is far enough in all conscience. Preparatory to com- 
 mencing business, I determined to reduce my esta- 
 blishment, which indeed I had not the means of keep- 
 ing up any longer. In the first place, I cast about 
 how to dispose of, to the best advantage, my famous 
 span of horses, which I was resolved to believe 
 most firmly, were not only both horses, but both per- 
 fectly sound and free from fault — they having been 
 so pronounced by the perfection of reason. By the 
 way, gentlemen, my last purchase, turned out a bad 
 bargain in other respects, having all the obstinacy 
 of her sex, and as many tricks as a monkey. 
 
 There was an old lady, a neighbour of mine, 
 very rich, and nearly blind, who had an old coach- 
 man half blind himself, and so phlegmatic, that 
 whenever he drove his mistress an airing, a plea- 
 sant, lively, talkative young lady, of the neighbour- 
 hood, was always invited to be of the party, to sit 
 on the front seat, and keep him awake by inces- 
 sant talking. In short, the lady was old, the 
 
212 
 
 coachman old, all the servants of the establish- 
 ment so old, that they had hardly one of the five 
 senses in perfection — the horses and carriage were 
 old, and the cats and dogs so very old, that they 
 had outlived their instincts, and lay down like the 
 lion and the lamb in peace together. 
 
 This worthy old lady, hearing I was going to 
 break up housekeeping, took it into her head to 
 buy my horses, to replace her own, one of which 
 had been knocked up in the desperate effort to trot 
 down a hill. I sent them over for her to look at, 
 and the whole household turned out 1 was told to 
 examine their points. There was not a good eye 
 among the whole of them. The old lady bought 
 my span, and the very next day, being Sunday, set 
 forth to a neighbouring church to exhibit her new 
 acquisition. She arrived there, after no small 
 vexation and delay, owing to the vagaries of the 
 ever memorable feminine horse which has hereto- 
 fore figured in my story. She had a habit of stop- 
 ping short now and then, but was not otherwise vi- 
 cious ; and it was worth while to see the one eyed 
 gentleman, her companion, turn round and look at 
 her on these occasions, as if to ask an explanation, 
 lie was certainly a horse of great parts, though he 
 had but one eye and was broken-winded. 
 
 There was not a soul at church but knew my 
 horses, and had heard the story of the mysterious 
 animal that was a horee in the eye of the law, and 
 
213 
 
 •i mare in the eves of every body else. They all 
 flocked round, and the tale was repeated at least 
 two hundred times. Never since the days of Gil 
 Bias' mule, was an animal so taken to pieces, criti- 
 cised, reviewed, and held up to nought, as were 
 those of the good old lady. She was in such a 
 passion, that when she got home, she could not tell 
 either chapter or verse of the text. The next 
 morning she sent them over, with a tart note, 
 charging me with deception, and demanding her 
 money back again. 
 
 "Caveat Emptor!" cried I, and snapt my fin- 
 gers at the old lady, just as .the horse jockey did at 
 me. J was sure I had the common law on my side 
 this time, and defied justice and all her works. 1 
 had given no warranty, and had not even verbally 
 answered for my horses. The old lady brought a 
 suit ; but I cared not a rush for it, and only cau- 
 tioned my lawyer to ply them well with Caveat 
 hmptor, whenever he had an opportunity. I ought 
 to mention there was a new judge on the bench ; 
 the admirer of judge Bridlegoose and his decisions, 
 being absent on some account or other. As ill 
 luck would have it the brazen trumpet, who by his 
 eloquence had wrought the jury to pronounce one 
 of these same horses, a sound horse in the eye of 
 the common law, was again opposed to me. 
 
 In the first place, the old lady proved the horses 
 were both bad. But this I did not mind, so Ion* 
 as I had honest Caveat Emptor on my side. 
 
J14 
 
 In the second place, she proved that I knew they 
 were had. The counsel read the record of the de- 
 cision, by which I had the blinker thrown on my 
 hands, to prove him an unsound horse. Now this 
 was the very decision on which I had relied, in con- 
 junction with Caveat Emptor, to bring me off with 
 Jiving colours. I calculated to prove by it, that as 
 he had been decided virtually at least, io be ;i 
 sound animal, by being thrown on my hands as a 
 fair purchase, I had a right to dispose of him as 
 such at any time. 
 
 After the testimony was concluded, the brazen 
 trumpet attacked me w.ith the whole force of his 
 lungs, and tore me all to nought, for doing exact ly 
 what the perfection of reason authorises everybody 
 to do — making use of my superior knowledge in 
 bargaining. I am sure I had paid for it. He con- 
 tradicted every word he said on a former trial, 
 and made me out to be one of the greatest rogues 
 in existence. And so I was, for aught I know, for 
 I had been corrupted by the common law, and 
 Ccrnat Emptor. My old counsel made an excel- 
 lent defence — indeed he and the other counsel, 
 seemed to have exchanged souls, or at least tongues 
 on this occasion. I remarked that the trumpet 
 used the very same arguments against me as de- 
 fendant, that my present counsel did in my favour 
 when I was plaintiff, in a similar suit, and that on 
 the contrary my counsel borrowed his old argu- 
 
rriqnts to apply to this new suit. All this struck 
 me as odd, but I suppose the perfection of reason 
 consists in the capacity of accommodating itself to 
 time and occasion. But it was the argument of 
 the judge that threw me into despair. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury," said he, " the common 
 law is not only the wisdom of ages, and the perfec- 
 tion of reason, but it is likewise essentially a moral 
 code which at the same time that it protects and 
 vindicates the rights of the people, teaches them 
 their duties. The learned counsel for the defend- 
 ant has relied mainly upon the suit, which has just 
 been cited, in which the very horse now in ques- 
 tion, was decided to be a fair purchase and left on 
 his hands. He contends that this decision was in 
 etFect sanctioning the practice of imposing an un- 
 sound animal upon a purchaser, or at least if not 
 so, he contends that it decided the character of the 
 horse as a sound animal, in the eye of the common 
 law. 
 
 "Gentlemen, the learned counsel forgets, that 
 though this is the same horse, the court and jury 
 are very different from those which decided the 
 former case. My worthy brother, for whose learn- 
 ing, sagacity and legal acumen, I have the most ex- 
 alted respect, is, however, I must be permitted to 
 say, rather too much under the thumb of Caveat 
 Emptor, and follows the practice of the English 
 judges, who I think give it too great a latitude in 
 
216 
 
 covering fraud and deception. Now, I, gentlemen, 
 incline to the doctrines of Grotius, Wolf and oth- 
 ers of the writers on natural law, which rests in 
 fact on the same basis with the common law, and 
 who mingle a considerable portion of equity in their 
 ideas of covenants. They differ with many of the 
 English authorities, in their exposition of the 
 maxim of Caveat Emptor, and consequently in their 
 estimate of the degree of diligence and circum- 
 spection necessary in the buyer, and the latitude 
 to be given to the seller in disguising, or making 
 use of his superior knowledge in the article of 
 which he is about to dispose. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, I am free to confess, 
 that though, in some respects, I agree with preced- 
 ing authorities, in others 1 differ from them all, and 
 so differing I shall take leave to consult my own 
 ideas of justice in this case. 
 
 " In the first place, there is a manifest distinction 
 between being silent as to defects in the article 
 which forms the subject of the covenant, and frau- 
 dulently concealing them. By merely being silent 
 on these defects, you practise no deception, be- 
 cause you leave the buyer the free use of his eyes, 
 and other senses, which are the guides and guardi- 
 ans of human nature in all the ordinary transac- 
 tions of life. If the buyer should chance to be 
 ignorant of the nature and value of the article, 
 that is his own fault ; the seller is not obliged to 
 
217 
 
 instruct him to his own damage and loss. He had 
 in fact no business to purchase an article of the 
 qualities and value of which he was totally igno- 
 rant. Ignorance is not involuntary — it is in the 
 nature of a blameable negligence not to acquire 
 knowledge — and as fgnorantia legis neminem excu- 
 sat, so ignorance of the points that constitute the 
 value, or of the defects which diminish the value 
 of a horse, is no ground for vacating a covenant, 
 or recovering damages. 
 
 " But, gentlemen of the jury, it is far otherwise 
 with those natural and involuntary defects which 
 render it impossible for a person to be a judge of 
 the article purchased. The plaintiff in this suit is 
 an elderly lady, who in the first place, lies under 
 no sort of obligation to become acquainted with 
 the value of horses — her ignorance is therefore no 
 bar in law to recovering in this suit. Had the de- 
 eeption been practised in the purchase and sale of 
 a carpet, a silk gown, or any article of that kind, 
 of which females are bound to be judges, it would 
 have been a different affair altogether. But not 
 only is the plainiifF not obliged by her sex to be- 
 come a judge of horses, but if she were, it is in 
 proof, that she has become incapacitated by- a de- 
 fect in the organs of vision. Now, gentlemen, 
 physical defects are viewed in a very different 
 light by the common law, from defects of know- 
 ledge., judgment and experience. To impose upon 
 19 
 
218 
 
 an ignorant person, is held lawful ; but to import 
 upon one who is incapable from nature or infirmity, 
 of judging, is fraud. These distinctions are found- 
 ed in the wisdom of ages and the perfection of rea- 
 son. 1 am, therefore, of opinion, that the defend- 
 ant take back his horses, return the purchase mo- 
 ney, and pay the costs of the prosecution." 
 
 Thus was I obliged to receive back my horses, 
 in spite of Caveat Emptor, who seemed destined 
 in one way or other to be my utter ruin. I could 
 not help complaining to myself, that I had been 
 obliged to keep them on my hands after being 
 cheated in the purchase, solely because one judge 
 had no opinion of his own ; and now was obliged 
 to receive them again, merely because anothep 
 judge chose to have an opinion of his own. If 
 the judges had only been exchanged, I might have 
 gained both suits — as it was, both were decided 
 againstme. " What a misfortune," thought I, " that 
 though the common law is always the same, 
 the judges are so different, and that the per- 
 fection of reason should be expounded by persons 
 whose reason is so imperfect!" Fearful that my 
 horses would play me some more tricks, I took the 
 first opportunity to give them away — taking the 
 precaution to accompany the donation by a special 
 warranty, certifying one to be unsound, and the 
 other worth nothing. 
 
 Having got these incumbrances fairly off my 
 
hands, I invested the remainder of my fortune in 
 trade, and plunged in the mysteries of buying and 
 selling, under the guidance and protection of ho- 
 nest Caveat Emptor, notwithstanding the many ill 
 turns I had received at his hands. I purchased ar- 
 ticles at a low price and sold at a high one, always 
 taking care to avoid any express warranty; and 
 though I was from time to time sued by the ignorant 
 for thus making a legal use of my superior know- 
 ledge, I always escaped with flying colours, under 
 the broad shield of Caveat Emptor, who 1 will 
 do him the justice to say, stood by me like a 
 brave fellow. Thus I sailed before the wind for 
 some time and laid up money. My avarice as 
 usual expanded with my acquisitions, and 1 deter- 
 mined to launch out into foreign trade. I accord- 
 ingly purchased a large ship, which the owner as- 
 sured me was one of the finest vessels that ever 
 sailed the salt seas, and put in her a valuable cargo, 
 for Europe. In order to cover all losses, I made 
 insurance for the full amount of vessel and cargo, 
 and despatched her on her voyage. This time, I 
 happened to be perfectly honest. I believed the 
 vessel to be an excellent one, in all respects, for 
 as such I had bought her, and the cargo was pre- 
 cisely as I had represented it to be. It was on my 
 part, I solemnly assure you, a fair transaction. 
 
 About a month from the sailing of my great ship, 
 news came that she had sprung a-leak, a few days 
 
220 
 
 Qiter getting to sea, and was run ashore, where she 
 went to pieces. However, this gave me no very 
 great uneasiness, as 1 calculated on being complete- 
 ly covered by the policy of insurance. To my sur- 
 prise and mortification, payment was positively re- 
 fused on the ground that 1 had practised fraud, or 
 at least deception. Even if this had been the fact, 
 I should have relied on my friend Caveat Emptor 
 to bring me off — but I was entirely innocent, 
 and innocence, although of little weight in the 
 eye of the perfection of reason, is of sonic value 
 in keeping up a man's courage. 1 commen- 
 ced a suit lor the recovery of my money, in full 
 confidence of not only haying the law, but justice 
 likewise on my side. 
 
 But, miserable is the man who depends upon his 
 innocence in a suit at common law ; he might better 
 depend upon his guilt, for guilt is careful if possi- 
 ble to get the law on its side, while innocence relies 
 upon itself. The defence of the insurers was, that 1 
 had practised a fraud in representing the vessel to be 
 what she was not. It was proved by the honest 
 gentleman, of whom 1 had bought her, that she was 
 not only not a first rate vessel, but quite the contra- 
 ry. That he had built her to sell, and that both in 
 materials and workmanship, she was defective in a 
 very great degree. The captai i and mate, who 
 had escaped the wreck, also testified, that she was 
 rotten in many of her timbers, leaky, and in fact 
 
221 
 
 not seaworthy. They would not have trusted them- 
 selves in her, if they had known her condition. 
 
 Here I took the liberty to ask, how I, who was 
 totally ignorant of ships, could be supposed to know 
 of defects, which had escaped the eyes of profes- 
 sional men ? 
 
 " Caveat Emptor /" replied the court. I acqui- 
 esced, without a murmur, for I relied less upon my 
 innocence on this occasion, than upon my friend 
 Caveat Emptor. 'Tis a bad rule that wont work 
 both ways, thought I, for I had not become suffi- 
 ciently aware what a trimming turn-coat rascal this 
 Caveat Emptor was, and how he changed sides, 
 with as little ceremony as a first rate politician. I 
 desired my counsel to lose no opportunity of touch- 
 ing them up with Caveat Emptor, but he struck me 
 dumb by replying — 
 
 " My dear friend, Caveat Emptor won't do in this 
 case." 
 
 " Then the Lord have mercy upon me," I exclaim- 
 ed in despair — " if honest Caveat goes over to the 
 enemy I am a dead man." 
 
 I pass over the arguments of the counsel, who 
 marshalled armies of judges and volumes of deci- 
 sions, one against the other, and made such a variety 
 ©f beautiful distinctions, that not a single man in 
 court, gifted with common sense, could tell black 
 from whito, of make out what the law was for the 
 19* 
 
222 
 
 soul o/him. But the charge of the judge deserve^ 
 to be remembered as a warning to posterity. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury," said he, " the principle 
 involved in the case before you, has been settled 
 by so many solemn decisions in the English courts, 
 that no argument, or decision of mine can fix it 
 more irrevocably. Jt is only necessary, therefore, 
 to state one or tw o nice distinctions, and to recapi- 
 tulate the arguments on which it is to be presumed 
 these decisions were founded. 
 
 '* The plaintitf hinted in (he course of the trial, 
 that he expected to avail himself of the maxim 
 Caveat Emptor, but it is hardly necessary to tell you 
 that it does not apply in this case. Gentlemen, the 
 common law being the perfection of reason, ac- 
 commodates itself ;n the happiest manner to the ac 
 cidents of situation and circumstance. It is immu- 
 table, and unalterable — yet. it is dtfferent and varia- 
 ble. It is founded in the wisdom of ages — and it 
 contradicts itself without the least inconsistency. I 
 will acknowledge, gentlemen, that had this been an 
 affair of the land, instead of the water, the maxim 
 Caveat Emptor would go to exonerate the plaintifi 
 from all suspicion of fraud, but happening as it did 
 on the water, the case is diametrically opposite. 
 And the distinction most strikingly exemplifies the 
 wisdom of the common law. Gentlemen of the 
 jury, there is one species of animals for the earth, 
 and another for the sea — there is one kind of vehi- 
 
223 
 
 clc for ploughing the fields, and another for plough- 
 ing the ocean — and there is also one law for the 
 land, and another for the water. As well mi^ht 
 you attempt to go to sea in a plough, or turn up the 
 earth with the keel of a ship of the line— as well 
 might you travel by land on the back of a whale, 
 or cross the seas mounted on an elephant— as to 
 apply the same maxims of law to the ocean and the 
 land. The elephant would drown in the fathomless 
 deep, and if I might be allowed the personification, 
 Caveat Emptor cannot breathe in the atmosphere 
 of salt-water ; his lungs are too weak for it. 
 
 " Hence, gentlemen of the jury, it follows from 
 strict deduction of analogy, that there must of ne- 
 cessity be a law for the land and a law for the sea, 
 or the law could not possibly be the perfection of 
 reason. Hence too, it is law, that when a man 
 buys a ship ready built, the parties being on Terra 
 Firma, he does it at his peril, and must look out for 
 Caveat Emptor. But if, on the contrary, he pur- 
 chases a vessel, the parties being on the water, I 
 should say that Caveat Emptor would not apply. 
 However this may be, I have no hesitation in say- 
 ing, that though the buyer of a ship is hound to be- 
 ware, the person who insures her is entirely exone- 
 rated from that obligation. In the one case if the 
 buyer purchases a bad vessel it is at his own risk ; 
 in the other, if the insurer takes a risk upon her, it 
 is not necessary in the eye of the perfection of rea- 
 
224 
 
 son, that he too should beware. Again, gentlemen 
 of the jury, a man on land has a perfect right by 
 the common law, to make use of his superior know- 
 ledge of certain articles of merchandise in disposing 
 of them to another who has not an equal know- 
 ledge ; but he has no right to the benefits either of 
 superior knowledge or superior ignorance, in deal- 
 ing with an insurance company, which, though not 
 exactly a sea animal, is a sort of amphibious mon- 
 ster, entitled to the privileges of both elements. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury, the counsel for the 
 plaintiff in this suit has relied upon a decision, in a 
 cause where he himself was obliged to take up with 
 a broken-winded horse he had purchased, by virtue 
 of the maxim Caveat Emptor. But this case re- 
 sembles the present in no one ground of principle. 
 Between the delects of a horse and those of a ship 
 there can be no possible analogy. Whoever heard 
 of a ship being broken-winded or blind of an eye, op 
 indeed having an) eyes but dead eyes, which in the 
 eye of the common law are no eyes at all ? If the 
 animal had been a Sea horse, I am not quite cleat 
 that there might not be some ground of analogy on 
 which to found an application of the same principle 
 equally to both cases. As it is, gentlemen, you must 
 find for the defendants, in spile of Caveat Emptor." 
 I had now but one resource against absolute 
 poverty, to which nothing can reconcile a reasonable 
 man, but the reflection that it puts him in some 
 
225 
 
 measure beyond the reach of the laws. Without 
 money he cannot sue ; and without it there is no 
 cause for his being sued. He may therefore snap 
 his ringers at the perfection of reason and defy Satan 
 and all his works, among the worst of which I 
 reckon the subtilties of the law. 1 made one effort 
 more ; I brought an action against the person who 
 sold me the ship, which it had just been decided to 
 be a fraud for me to get insured. I had only to 
 produce the record of that trial to prove that I had 
 been deceived in the purchase. But the case was 
 now altered — there was one law for the land, and 
 another for the sea ; and my old friend Caveat Emp- 
 tor once more changed sides to my utter confusion. 
 There being no actual warranty, the court in- 
 structed the jury, " that according to the maxim Ca- 
 veat Emptor, it was my own fault if 1 bought a bad 
 vessel, although the price I paid might furnish pre- 
 sumptive evidence I thought her a good one. The 
 plaintiff has relied on the decision of this court, 
 in a case where it was decided partly upon the 
 evidence of the seller of this very vessel, that she 
 was not sea-worthy, to prove that the defendant 
 knew she was so at the time he sold her to the 
 plaintiff. Now there is no proof that he did ac- 
 tually know the situation of the vessel st the precise 
 moment of making the bargain. He might have 
 become acquainted with these defects afterwards, 
 for aught we know. But at all events, if he did 
 
226 
 
 know, he was not bound to disclose them. The 
 defendant in this cause, is a seaman by profession,, 
 and once commanded this very ship. Now, gen. 
 tlemen, it is a maxim in law, accusare nemo se debet. 
 &c, and it is a common, saying, which amounts to a 
 precept of common law, that " every sailor is a 
 piece of his ship ;" of course he cannot be bound in 
 law or justice to disclose her defects. 1 am free to 
 acknowledge that this is a hard case, but that is 
 neither your fault nor mine. The law must have 
 its course, let what will become of morality and 
 justice ; for it is a maxim in law, that injustice to 
 individuals is the good of the whole. There is no 
 other foundation, under the common law, for indi- 
 vidual right, but individual wrong ; and as one 
 man's meat is another man's poison, so the decision 
 of a law-suit, in opposition to reason and conscience, 
 only the more firmly establishes the perfection of 
 reason. It is with law as with religion. Each has 
 its martyrs, whose sacrifice is the strongest possible 
 proof of th divinity of its origin. Gentlemen of 
 the jury, you will find for the defendant on the 
 ground that Caveat Emptor." 
 
 Thus was I, like many of my fellow men, ruined 
 by the very friend upon whom I placed the greatest 
 reliance. Caveat Emptor, whether as friend or foe, 
 seemed destined to be my bane in conjunction with 
 the perfection ui reason. I had now nothing left 
 in the world, but a thirty-sixth part, as tenant in 
 
227 
 
 common, of a piece of land about thirty feet square, 
 in one of the out wards of my native city ; together 
 with a claim of very considerable amount, on a mer- 
 chant in a neighbouring seaport town. This last 1 
 determined to put in suit in good time. But first 
 I took special care to find out how honest Caveat 
 Emptor stood affected towards me, in this particu- 
 lar instance. To my great content, I discovered 
 that my case did not turn upon that pivot at all. 
 I then proceeded to apply all my dear bought know- 
 ledge to the case — consulted the laws — ransacked 
 the decisions of every court for precedents—applied 
 principles, and in short, had, as I thought, made 
 myself thoroughly master of the whole subject. 
 After this, to make all sure, 1 wrote out a fair state- 
 ment of my case, and sent it with a fee to two of the 
 first counsel of the place where my antagonist re- 
 sided. They assured me my claim was perfectly 
 good. Upon this 1 sent him a defiance, at least my 
 counsel did, of twenty folio pages. He accepted 
 the challenge and 1 was to meet him on his own 
 ground in the course of a few months, to decide the 
 matter then and there, according to law. 
 
 I was on the spot in time, as confident of victory 
 as ever was knight errant, gifted with an enchanted 
 sword, and invulnerable armour. The trial opened, 
 and after some little preliminary forms, the lawyer 
 ©n the opposite side got up and began to talk about: 
 something that Lord Ellenborough, and a late de- 
 
ceased chief justice of Pennsylvania had though i 
 and decided in a certain case of Twaddle vs. 
 Tweedle. What the plague have I to do with 
 Twaddle vs. Tweedle, thought I, in no little per- 
 plexity at finding that my cause was in danger of 
 being decided by the ghosts of Lord Ellenborough 
 and the chief justice of Pennsylvania, instead of the 
 chief justice then sitting on the bench before me. 
 
 My astonishment was increased tenfold, on hear- 
 ing my counsel instead of saying any thing about 
 me or my cause, begin to talk about a certain law- 
 suit between one Dick Harvey and a Mr. Moody. 
 Upon this, the other side got up, and talked about 
 the great decision between Fairbanks vs. Fairchild, 
 which it seems, was too strong for Dick Harvey 
 and Mr. Moody. Down he popt, and up ju ped 
 we with the still greater and later decision of m} 
 Lord Somebody, in the case of Cannon vs. Swivel. 
 The opposite lawyer was not in the least daunted, 
 but produced another and later decision of the same 
 judge, which as he maintained nullified the other. 
 Whose cause are you trying ? whispered I to my 
 counsel. 1 thought mine was to come on to-day. 
 Before he could answer me, the judge rose and said 
 something about Locus in quo, whereupon my coun- 
 sel turned round to me very coolly and said — 
 " You've lost your cause." It was too true, though 
 heaven is my witness that to this day I could never 
 tell why or wherefore. All I know is that Locus in 
 
229 
 
 quo treated me quite as bad if not worse than Caveat 
 Emptor, and that between them both, I had now 
 nothing left but the thirty-sixth part of thirty feet 
 square of land in my native city. But fate had 
 determined that I should become a perfect martyr 
 to the perfection of reason. 
 
 It seems an industrious young lawyer, having just 
 then no business in hand, purchased out one of the 
 joint tenants, and being very anxious to get exclu- 
 sive possession of his foot of land that he might 
 improve it, applied for a partition. I had, 1 con- 
 fess, received notice of this, but considered it a 
 trifle not worth attending to at the time. But I 
 found to my cost that there are no such things as 
 trifles in the common law. On my return from the 
 signal overthrow I had received at the hands of 
 Locus in quo, I was saluted with a bill of costs of 
 partition, amounting to considerably more than my 
 share of the land was worth. I was glad to make it 
 over to the professor of the perfection of reason, 
 for his trouble and expense in procuring the parti- 
 tion, and he generously relinquished all further 
 claim upon me. Thus we settled the partition by 
 my being partitioned out of the last shilling of pro- 
 perty that Caveat Emptor and Locus in quo had 
 left me. 
 
 Gentlemen, I hope you will not think me unreason- 
 able if, by this time, I began to lose my respect for the 
 perfection of reason. If my worthy uncle had risen 
 
 20 
 
230 
 
 from the grave, I don't think he could have restored 
 it to my good graces. Like a mistress, so full of 
 caprices, contradictions and coquetries, that she 
 at last tires out and disgusts the most ardent admi- 
 rer, the perfection of reason had played me so 
 many tricks, that I turned my back on it in utter 
 disgust. It appeared to me that whatever the law 
 might have been in ages of comparative ignorance 
 and simplicity, it had now become so refined in its 
 distinctions— so subtle in its metaphysics — so com- 
 plicated and contradictory in its decisions — so wea- 
 risome and capricious in its sinuosities, as to be 
 compared to nothing but an Indian trail through 
 some pathless wilderness, invisible to all eyes, un- 
 traceable by all feet, save those only which are 
 guided by an infallible instinct, the joint offspring of 
 nature and necessity. So far from being the per- 
 fection of reason, it seemed to me nothing more than 
 the perfection of quibbling sophistry. Instead of a 
 plain straight forward rule of action, simple in 
 itself and easy of comprehension to those who are 
 to be governed by its provisions, it appeared to my 
 awakened senses little else than a farrago of con- 
 tradictory decisions, pursued through all the mazes 
 of inextricable subtilty into the obscurity of fathom- 
 less darkness — a jumble — a chaos without a sun to 
 enlighten, or a hand powerful enough to reduce it to 
 order and beauty. In short, under the influence of 
 my perpetual disappointments at the hands of the 
 
231 
 
 perfection of reason, I actually rejoiced that I had 
 now nothing left in the world, and was consequent! v 
 above the laws. If any thing can reconcile a rea- 
 sonable man to the ills of poverty, it is the consoling- 
 reflection, that he has passed into that bourne where 
 the lawyers cease from troubling, and the client is 
 at rest. 
 
 The remainder of my story is soon told. I was a 
 ruined man, and that too, at the hands of the per- 
 fection of reason. Being without the good things 
 of this world, there was nothing left me, but to turn 
 philosopher, and despise them. Indeed, I have 
 always observed, that in proportion as a man gets 
 money he contemns wisdom, just as he who be- 
 comes poor despises wealth and takes to wisdom. 
 Money is certainly the root of all evil, as every man 
 is convinced the moment he sees it in the hands 
 of others. There are three things which constitute 
 as it were the three sheet anchors that keep a 
 man riding steady in the same roadstead all his life 
 — property, friends, and a home. My fortune had 
 gone off with honest Caveat Emptor and Locus in 
 quo — my friends followed closely after — and as to 
 home — I was a bachelor,, and a bachelor has no 
 home. 
 
 In casting about for employment during the re- 
 mainder of my days, I at length determined to 
 travel over all parts of the world, and return laden 
 with improvements from all countries for the good 
 of my own. I will visit, thought I, the distant and 
 
232 
 
 polite regions of the earth, and like the bee return 
 laden with honey. I will bring home with me the 
 newest fashions in dress, and the latest opinions in 
 morals — the most exquisite refinements in taste, 
 and the most fashionable models in literature — the 
 rarest plants, and the most odoriferous flowers. I 
 will introduce the thistle from Canada — the black 
 rose and the black swan — mummies from Egypt — 
 dust from the pyramids, and cobwebs from the 
 catacombs — little wooden shoes and white lions 
 from China — paper systems and joint stock compa- 
 nies from the British isles — Perigord pies from 
 France, and music from Italy. My return will be 
 hailed as a new era, and I shall be remembered as 
 the benefactor of my country by a hundred succeed- 
 ing generations. But from this I was deterred by 
 the reflection, that with the exception of the source 
 of the Niger, and the northwest passage, there was 
 nothing new to be discovered under the sun. The 
 world had been in fact ravaged, not by an irruption 
 of Goths or Vandals, but by armies of peaceful war- 
 riors, who instead of destroying with fire and sword, 
 deluged whole countries with bloody ink, and put 
 men, women and children to the point of the pen 
 without mercy, insomuch that a nation stood no 
 more chance of a tolerably decent character among 
 them, than a man who keeps a company waiting 
 dinner two hours for him. There was, in truth, not 
 a hole or corner, either above or under ground, a 
 pyramid, a cataract catacomb, subterranean tern- 
 
233 
 
 pie, or inexplicable oddity that had not been ran- 
 sacked and described half a dozen times over. 
 
 Like Alexander, I wept for a new world, and re- 
 mained in sorrowing perplexity, when, one lucky 
 day, at least a dozen of them made their appear- 
 ance in the nick of time, each ready to be served 
 up in Paternoster Row, to the literary epicures, 
 like boiled eggs at a breakfast. I allude to the 
 promulgation of the sublime theory of the concen- 
 tric spheres, which hath sufficiently demonstra- 
 ted that this globe of ours, instead of being as it 
 were all outside crust, is like the famous pie, which, 
 when opened, discovered four-and-twenty black- 
 birds all gayly singing a beautiful Italian air. Thus, 
 in a similar manner, the centre of this mundane 
 terrene, when it comes to be explored by adventu- 
 rous travellers, instead of being tenanted by worms, 
 ground hogs, embryo locusts, field mice, pismires, 
 and other inglorious subterraneans, will be found, 
 beyond doubt, to be peopled by an enlightened race 
 of illustrious Troglodites, who from the very nature 
 of their locality must of necessity see deeper into 
 a subject than other people. At once my mind 
 was made up. I determined to seek these pure and 
 unsophisticated mortals who, being thus retired from 
 the great outside world, must of necessity be free 
 from those vices, follies, and crimes which have 
 entailed upon us the disagreeable necessity of being 
 governed by the perfection of reason. 
 20* 
 
STORY 
 
 OF THE 
 
 THIRD WISE MAN OF G0THA3I. 
 
THE PERFECTION OF SCIENCE. 
 
 Mv brother Harmony, began the Third Wise 
 Man of Gotham, has, it seems, been shipwrecked 
 in pursuit of the Perfectibility of Man; and my 
 brother Quominus has fallen a victim to the Per- 
 fection of Reason, or the Wisdom of Ages, I can 
 hardly tell which — 1, on the contrary, am the mar- 
 tyr of Science. 
 
 I was born and educated in the most scientific, 
 literary, and philosophical city of the world — for 
 the women were all Blues and the men Metaphy- 
 sicians. In truth, I may say, with perfect veracity, 
 there were so many people running after science, 
 that there were not sciences enough for them to run 
 after. The business was overdone ; the game was 
 exhausted, as in countries too thickly settled and too 
 much cultivated ; and nothing was left for them but 
 the invention of new sciences, to give them employe 
 ment. Besides, such had been the unwearied indus- 
 try, the deep sagacity, with which they had pursued 
 the old sciences, that they had driven them from 
 their most secret recesses ; detected all their arca- 
 na ; exposed their occult mysteries ; and, in fact, 
 
238 
 
 pulled them by the ears, as it were, out of every 
 hole and corner where they had entrenched them- 
 selves for ages. Strangers, who were allured to 
 the city by the fame of its learning, observed with 
 astonishment, that the women could call every 
 thing by its scientific name, and that even the very 
 children talked nearly as wisely as the best of 
 them. Learning, science, and philosophy, were 
 becoming vulgar, insomuch that several people 
 of the highest rank and fashion, began to study 
 ignorance, and actually sent their children to school 
 to unlearn every thing. It was high time, there- 
 fore, for the lovers of science to begin to look about 
 them ; for the writers and lecturers upon the old 
 Grey Beard mathematics, philosophy, botany, and 
 chemistry, instead of an audience of pretty fashion- 
 ables, with nodding plumes, were content to con- 
 fine their instructions to classes of rusty students, 
 who actually came for no other purpose than to 
 learn. The fashionable young ladies began to yawn 
 at conversations, where they met to relax them- 
 selves with political economy and metaphysics : 
 and a universal alarm prevailed, when a great heir- 
 ess, who was considered the bulwark of the blues, 
 backslided, and married a regular dandy, with a thin 
 waist and no learning. 
 
 It was high time to get up something new for 
 these people, and as the natives of our isle are more 
 apt to improve upon the inventions of others than 
 
239 
 
 to invent any thing themselves. I was selected by 
 a coterie of philosophers, and sent out into the 
 world to discover a new plaything for these grown 
 up children of knowledge. I travelled, and travel- 
 led, and travelled, as the story books say, over di- 
 vers countries that have neither latitude nor longi- 
 tude ; I visited all the colleges, scientific institu- 
 tions, and bedlams ; sought out the most learned and 
 adventurous philosophers of Christendom; consulted 
 the Pundits of India ; the Chingfoos of China, the 
 Dervises of Turkey, and the Jugglers of the Flat- 
 head Indians of the Missouri. In short, I ransacked 
 the uttermost ends of the earth, and was returning 
 disconsolate, through Germany, to my native city, 
 with a firm conviction that there was nothing new 
 under the sun, when an unexpected adventure befel 
 me on the eve of a long day's journey. 
 
 Owing to various untoward accidents, one of 
 which was the lameness of my horse, I had been 
 overtaken by twilight in the midst of the forest of 
 Teutoburgium, not far, as it afterwards proved, from 
 the spot where Varus and his legions had been cut 
 off by the German hero Arminius. As the night 
 gathered thick around me, obscured into Cimmerian 
 darkness by the overarching shades, I became more 
 and more confused and uncertain of my way. I 
 heard the growling of bears, the howling of wolves, 
 the hooting of owls, and the shrill whistle of the ban- 
 dit, mingling with the sighing and moaning of winds 
 
240 
 
 as they wandered in the impenetrable shades. At 
 length my progress was arrested by a cold and 
 heavy hand, forcibly applied to my mouth, with 
 such excellent aim, considering it was so dark, 
 that it stopt it entirely and prevented me from 
 calling for help, had I bethought myself of doing 
 it. So forcible was the blow, that it knocked mc 
 from my horse, and I lay on the ground for a few 
 moments insensible to every thing around me. As I 
 gradually recovered — the pain of my fall — the lone- 
 liness of my situation — and the apprehension that 
 the bandit would return with his companions, and 
 finish, perhaps, what he had begun, overcame mc 
 entirely, and 1 groaned at intervals aloud. Nothing 
 for a time answered me, but the dismal echoes of 
 the forest, and once or twice the neighings of what 
 I supposed my own horse, who had wandered to a 
 distance. At length, however, my cries were an- 
 swered by a voice which seemed close to my. ear. 
 
 " Who and what art thou, that thus wanderest 
 alone, at midnight, on the spot where the bones of 
 tens of thousands have been bleaching for ages ?" 
 cried a hollow and tremulous voice. 
 
 " I am a pilgrim," exclaimed I, " from a far dis- 
 tant country, travelling the earth in search of a new 
 science." 
 
 " Thou hast hit the nail on the head," replied the 
 invisible voice. " Follow me — give me thy hand 
 
-241 
 
 — thou art a lucky man, and hast been born, with- 
 out doubt, with a silver spoon in thy mouth." 
 
 " But my horse," quoth I. 
 
 " He is safe," replied the voice, taking me by the 
 hand. As I lifted it to my lips in token of thankful- 
 ness, I started back with horror. 
 
 " It smells of mortality !" cried I. 
 
 "True— It hath handled nothing but the bones of 
 Varus and his legions, for more than thirty years/' 
 
 "Art thou a sexton ?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 " A grave digger?" 
 
 " Follow me, and thou shalt know." 
 
 I again gave him my hand with trembling re- 
 luctance, and we struck to the right in a direction 
 towards a dim light, which had till now escaped 
 my notice. After proceeding some distance, wc 
 approached the entrance of a cave, which descend- 
 ed gently into the bosom of the earth, through a 
 passage dimly lighted by a lamp, leading into an 
 apartment that struck me with inexpressible dis- 
 may. It was a charnel-house of skulls, which 1 
 took for granted appertained to thousands of mur- 
 dered wretches, made away with by a band of rob- 
 bers, of which this wily old wretch was the stool-pi- 
 geon, or chief, I hardly knew which. His whole ap- 
 pearance was a composition of supernaturalhorrors. 
 There did not seem a drop of blood in his body, or 
 an ounce of flesh on his bones. His eye, deep sunk 
 21 
 
242 
 
 in" his head, glimmered dimmer than the half ex- 
 piring lamp which obscured rather than illuminated 
 the passage by which we had descended; and his 
 cheeks, for want of the support of teeth, had sunk 
 in on either side, and met together lovingly in the 
 roof of his mouth. His head was without a single 
 hair, and the glossy surface of the skull, divided by 
 lines into different copartments, like the divisions of 
 a map. Each of these was numbered after the 
 manner of sheet maps, for teaching children geog- 
 raphy. " Gracious heaven !" exclaimed I, mental- 
 ly, " he is not only a robber but a necromancer ! 
 perhaps the wild huntsman ! perhaps one of the in- 
 fernal quizzical imps of Number Nip! perhaps the 
 wood demon himself. This forest has long been 
 famous for evil doings, and these lines and figures 
 are doubtless the spell by which this diabolical cai- 
 tiff works his infernal ends." I cast my eyes from 
 the necromancer to the paraphernalia by which he 
 was surrounded. Nothing was seen but skulls piled 
 up in various recesses, or lying about in horrible 
 confusion, so that at every step, they rolled beneath 
 my feet, and grinned in my face, as if in scorn of 
 these impotent injuries. The rest of the embel- 
 lishments of this Golgotha, have escaped my recol- 
 lection, for as I continued to stare around, my cou- 
 rage deserted me, my senses wandered, and I trem- 
 bled from head to foot. 
 
243 
 
 >; Thou art cold and doubtless hungry too," said 
 the old mystery of horror—-" I was inhospitable not 
 to offer thee something to eat." 
 
 He then arose and went to an obscure part of the 
 cave. "He is gone to prepare for me the feast ot 
 the worms," thought I, "or perhaps he will presently 
 invite me, like the ghost in Don Juan, to an entertain- 
 ment of shin-bones and petty-toes. Would I were 
 home again, and perish all new sciences." Presently, 
 however, he returned, and to my very agreeable sur- 
 prise, presented a piece of cold venison, some bread 
 and a flaggon of beer. " Eat, drink and be merry," 
 quoth he — " for to-morrow I die!" responded I, in- 
 wardly, with a sigh. However, hunger is lord of 
 the world, and will swallow up tear, wneu lit. ;o 
 sharp set. I fell upon the venison, and ate as if it 
 were my last ; I swallowed oceans of beer, in hopes 
 it would infuse into me a portion of Dutch courage, 
 but in vain. While I was taking my meal, the ne- 
 cromancer or whatever he might be, was examining 
 a large skull, divided and marked in like manner 
 with his own, and apparently comparing it with 
 mine, while he ever and anon exclaimed — 
 
 " Bless me ! — astonishing ! — wonderful ! — one 
 would think they had belonged to one and the 
 same person ! — Pray, my good friend, if you can^stop 
 eating for one moment, tell me, had you ever any 
 other head on your shoulders than the one you 
 carry now ?" 
 
244 
 
 * Not that I know of," replied I. 
 
 " Astonishing — curious — remarkable — never saw 
 such an identity — wit — locality — amativeness — phi- 
 loprogenitiveness — ideality — wonder — acquisitive- 
 ness — concentrativeness — adhesiveness — cautious- 
 ness — tune — size — weight — colouring — language- 
 comparison — causality — love of approbation — or- 
 der — combativeness, and what not! I would give 
 thousands for your skull. Why, sir, you must be a 
 universal genius. You have the finest collection of 
 organs in the world. You are a poet, a mechanic, 
 a chymist, a philosopher, a musician, a lover of chil- 
 dren, an artist, a metaphysician, and any thing 
 else you please, besides." 
 
 I began now to be ashamed of myself, that I 
 should have dignified this old fellow with the rank 
 of a bandit and necromancer, when as it now plain- 
 ly appeared, he was only a harmless madman. At 
 once my terrors subsided, and I became quite jo- 
 cular. 
 
 " Pray," said T, "how came you to know my cha- 
 racter and talents so perfectly in this short acquaint- 
 ance? — I don't think I have spoken five words on 
 any subject connected with these acquirements and 
 qualifications. Have you the faculty of penetrating 
 the interior of the brain, or exploring the secrets of 
 the heart, extemporaneously ?" 
 
 " The secrets of the heart !" replied the old man 
 contemptuously—" you talk like a blockhead in de* 
 
245 
 
 fiance of the infallible augury of your cerebral de- 
 velopment. The heart, young man, hath nothing 
 to do with sensations, affections, impulses, passions, 
 affinities or antipathies. You might as well locate 
 them in the liver, the gizzard, the great toe, the seat 
 of honour, or any other obscure and contemptible 
 part of the human machine — " 
 
 " Did he actually call it a machine ?" interrupted 
 the Man Machine, eagerly. 
 
 " He did, upon my honour — he called it a ma- 
 chine," said the other, and proceeded. 
 
 " Know, young man," continued the hermit, 
 " that I perceive by the infallible augury of the only 
 real science upon the face of the earth, thou art 
 destined to be a burning and shining light among 
 the benighted of this earth. Thou shalt carry the 
 lamp even to the uttermost ends of the earth, and 
 into the concentric spheres. Listen and learn." 
 The whole frame of the old man now dilated into 
 actual sublimity — his voice gradually swelled in 
 tones of lofty declamation, and his eye brightened 
 with what I then supposed was inspiration. But I 
 have since ascertained that the eye has nothing to 
 do with the mind, any more than a pair of specta- 
 cles. It is only made to see with. 
 
 " I was born and brought up," continued he, 
 
 " within the walls of a college, the name of which 
 
 I shall withhold, least it might become too vain of 
 
 the honour; and my ancestors had been professora 
 
 21* 
 
246 
 
 of the same faculty for fifteen generations. Not 
 one of them, so far as my knowledge and belief ex- 
 tends, ever was out of sight of the venerable Alma 
 Mater. They studied science in books, and to 
 books they resorted for that knowledge of mankind 
 and of the world, which, being the same in all ages, 
 can only be acquired in the unchangeable lessons of 
 time and experience recorded in books. My father 
 was considered a monster of erudition, who, after 
 having exhausted all the old sciences, imagined new. 
 which he exhausted with equal facility. He went 
 on in this way so long that at last he was sorely puz- 
 zled for new sciences to conquer. He came xcry 
 near dying of ennui, for want of a new difficulty to 
 knock on the head, and in the absence of some ex- 
 citement of this kind, used to amuse himself whole 
 days with a parrot and a monkey ; one of which he 
 had taught to talk quite learnedly upon scientific 
 subjects ; and the other to go through a variety of 
 philosophical experiments. 
 
 " He soon, however, got tired of this, and then 
 found a temporary amusement in studying natural 
 history in the persons of a great variety of dogs, 
 that used to congregate for amusement and fighting 
 in the large court-yard in front of his residence in 
 the college. Here, for the first time, he noticed 
 that peculiarity of the canine race which exhibits 
 itself in two strange dogs when they come together. 
 He observed that instead of looking into each other's 
 
247 
 
 faces for information, as to the character, objects 
 and intentions of their new acquaintance, they in- 
 variably went round to the rear for that purpose. 
 At first he was inclined to believe that they carried 
 their names on the stern, as he had observed was 
 the case with the boats on the river which ran near 
 the city ; but on examination he could discover no- 
 thing of that kind. It naturally occurred to him, 
 to ask himself the reason, or rather the instinct, of 
 this singular practice. After deep reflection it 
 struck him that it could be no other than a mode 
 pointed out by nature for gaining a thorough in- 
 sight into the character, views and qualifications of 
 those animals, thus superseding the necessity of 
 long acquaintance and continued scrutiny. He saw 
 too, that these animals signified their satisfaction, 
 and indeed expressed most of their sensations, by 
 wagging their tails, and became thereupon convin- 
 ced that with them at least the eyes and the face 
 were not the index of the mind. He observed that 
 a stiff tail denoted hostility, while a wagging tail on 
 the contrary expressed sometimes pleasure, some- 
 times eagerness of anticipation, sometimes confi- 
 dence, sometimes doubt, sometimes affection ; and 
 that whenever it hid itself between the hinder legs, 
 it was the invariable indication of fear. In short, he 
 had no doubt that a complete system of the opera- 
 tions of canine instinct might be deduced from the 
 developments of the organs of the tail ; and he 
 
248 
 
 was only deterred from announcing it to the lite- 
 rary world by the apprehension of being laughed at 
 by ignorant persons. 
 
 " A hint is, however, sufficient for the wise. New- 
 ton caught his idea of gravitation from seeing an 
 apple fall to the ground ; Hutton his theory of the 
 formation of the earth by the operation of an in- 
 ternal fire, from a confectioner making sugar- 
 plums ; another philosopher from accidentally see- 
 ing a nest of iron pots one within the other, with 
 pismires crawling between them, conceived his 
 theory of the concentric spheres ; and my father 
 erected the most stupendous science of modern 
 times upon the wagging of a mastiff's tail. Reason- 
 ing upwards by the stair-case of analogy, he gradu- 
 ally arrived from the mastiff's tail to a man's head, 
 which he found closely resembling each other in a 
 vast variety of particulars. Both were covered 
 -with hair; both were at the extremity of the ani- 
 mal; one nodded, the other wagged. There were 
 other points of resemblance of which expert theo- 
 rists make a great use, called analogies of opposi- 
 tion, in which the likeness or affinity consists in one 
 thing being the direct antipodes of another. Alto- 
 gether, my father, from long and intense observation 
 and contemplation, came at last to the conclusion 
 that the tail of the dog, and the head of the man, was 
 certainly the true index of the mind and propensi- 
 ties of each respectively. 
 
249 
 
 " I perceive you smile, as if this idea of a maivs 
 head being the seat of sensation and the index of 
 mind was no very great discovery. In the course 
 of my details you will see that this was only the 
 mere threshold, the first step in those speculations 
 that are destined ere long not only to astonish but 
 confound the world. The discovery that the head 
 was the seat of sensation was in fact no discovery 
 at all. But the improvements he made, and the 
 ends to which he applied it, are what constitute his 
 glory. Columbus it is true discovered that there 
 was actually such a place as the new world ; but 
 this did not deprive those who subsequently ex- 
 plored, settled, planted, and divided it into separate 
 states, districts, counties and towns, of their portion 
 of credit. In like manner, others had, it may be 
 justly said, discovered a man had a head ; but it was 
 reserved for my father to turn that head to some 
 account, by dividing it into different sections and 
 compartments ; detailing its peculiarities of soil 
 and climate ; describing its various properties and 
 productions; the temperature of the air; the ani- 
 mals that inhabit it ; and in fact, giving as it were a 
 complete statistical account of the whole region." 
 
 Here, perceiving me yawn a little, the old man 
 took the hint. He proposed retiring for the night, 
 and resuming his details in the morning. Accord- 
 ingly he showed me into a small recess where was 
 a bed of moss, in which I laid myself down, and 
 
250 
 
 dreamed all night of the catacombs of Egypt. 
 The next morning the good hermit would hardh 
 allow me time to eat my breakfast, so impatient was 
 he to continue his story. 
 
 " My father," began he, " next proceeded^to lay 
 down his first principles, which he justly considered 
 were more than half the battle. He knew he could 
 look out afterwards at leisure for facts and exam- 
 ples to sustain them. A true philosopher always 
 makes his facts and reasonings dependent on his the- 
 ory, and not his theory on his facts and reasonings. 
 When his theory is well digested and arranged, a 
 man of the least ingenuity wi!! find all nature ad- 
 ministering to his use. Appearances and pheno- 
 mena which he never dreamed of before will come, 
 like Sancho 1 s proverbs, pat to his purpose ; and 
 what in the eyes of indifferent persons will seem 
 fatal to his hypothesis, to him will afford unanswera- 
 ble confirmation. Young man, if thou ever mean- 
 est to become a philosopher, follow the example of 
 my father, for be assured if thou waitest for expe- 
 rience to authenticate thy theories, thou wilt die 
 without ever becoming the father of a single new 
 one. Aware of this truth, my father, as I said be- 
 fore, proceeded first to lay down the principles of 
 his new science, intending afterwards to trust to 
 Providence, his own ingenuity, and the liberal spirit 
 of the age, to establish them by facts and demon- 
 stration. 
 
251 
 
 " He first laid it down as a maxim, that the head 
 A)f a man was-, as it were, a great organ full of pipes, 
 on which the different qualities, propensities and 
 passions each played their favourite tunes, and on 
 lhat particular pipe the tone of which best pleased 
 the said quality, propensity or passion. 
 
 " That as the pipes of the mechanical organ, 
 being made of materials incapable of expansion, 
 cannot be dilated or contracted ; so the pipes of 
 the man-organ, being composed in like manner of 
 materials directly the contrary in their nature and 
 capacity, it follows by analogy of dissimilitude that 
 the animate and inanimate organ are one and the 
 same, for all the purposes of science and philosophy. 
 
 " That the form of the brain, and the functions 
 of the several organs or pipes thereof may be ascer- 
 tained by irrefragable indications, especially by 
 comparing their size, with the power of manifesting 
 the mental faculties. The more a particular organ 
 or pipe of the organ was used the larger it would 
 undoubtedly become ; for as friction uniformly di- 
 minishes inanimate machinery, so in like manner 
 does it not diminish but strengthen, develop and 
 expand the animated machinery, to wit, the pipes, 
 organs and cavities of the brain. 
 
 " To prove this position, he instanced the rope- 
 dancer's legs; the fiddler's right elbow; and 
 above all the female tongue, each of which, he 
 maintained, was uncommonly large and fully de- 
 veloped in consequence of continued and violent 
 
252 
 
 exercise. The eyes of children, he observed; 
 were always larger in proportion than those of 
 grown up people, simply because as every object 
 was new to the former, they naturally stared and 
 wondered at every thing. Again : the nostrils of a 
 snuff-taker were always more dilated than those of 
 ordinary persons ; and people given to listening at 
 key-holes always had great ears. All these posi- 
 tions he intended to establish as occasion might 
 offer ; and if it proved upon experience that the 
 facts were not according to his theory, all they had 
 to do was to accommodate themselves to it as fast 
 as possible ; for it was not to be expected that a 
 philosopher should abandon an hypothesis, merely 
 because it was contrary to facts and experience. 
 
 " My father was resolved that his science should 
 be quite original. Lavater had already taken for- 
 mal scientific possession of the face, and as it were, 
 converted all the seaboard of the country to his 
 use. My father was for that reason resolved to 
 have little or nothing to do with the old settlements, 
 but to travel into the interior and cultivate the 
 back lands. Accordingly he marched round and 
 -cttled himself upon the remote, uncultivated re- 
 gions of the cerebellum. Besides the canine exam- 
 ple w r hich had given the first idea, and the deter- 
 mination to occupy entirely new ground, he had 
 another argument in favour of this novelty on which 
 he strongly relied. He compared the head to 
 
253 
 
 those houses in the city of Edinburgh, which being 
 built on a side-hill, exhibit a bold front a dozen 
 stories high, but which when approached in the 
 rear dwindle into complete insignificance. Thus 
 (here was no such thing as telling what they were 
 until you examined them from behind ; and thus too 
 by analogy, all conclusions drawn from the face of 
 a human being were vague and uncertain in the 
 highest degree. It was, moreover, proverbial for 
 people to put their best face as well as their best 
 foot foremost. 
 
 " Having thus developed the theory of his new 
 science, he was just setting about propping it up by 
 facts and examples, when he fell ill, and died. It 
 rarely happens indeed that the same person invents, 
 and perfects his invention. Life is too short for 
 any but a chosen few, to acquire the glory of be- 
 ginning and completing a new science. It was re- 
 served for me to rear up and bring to perfection 
 the magnificent edifice of which my father had laid 
 the foundation. 
 
 " At the time of my father's decease, I was a 
 young man of about forty, and had scarcely ever 
 been beyond the walls of our college. I once in- 
 deed ventured out into the world to see a fair in the 
 neighbourhood, but happening to meet a person 
 whose organ of destructiveness I perceived was 
 horribly developed, I was afraid he would kill me, 
 and ran home as fast as I could. As a proof of the 
 22 
 
254 
 
 infallibility of my science, it was afterwards rumour- 
 ed that this very man, or somebody very like him, 
 was found guilty of manslaughter at a village about 
 two hundred miles distant. My whole life had 
 been passed between four thick stone walls, in a 
 chamber, the light of which was admitted through 
 the ceiling, where I saw nobody but my parents, 
 and an old female servant whose organ of languages 
 bespoke her prowess, for she could out-talk the 
 whole family. Indeed our prevailing character 
 was that of shyness, awkwardness, and silence. 
 We seldom or ever mixed with the world, and 
 my principle recreation had been to philosophise, 
 smoke my pipe, and drink small beer. Ever since 
 my father propounded his theory of the organs to 
 my alarmed and awakened imagination, I believe I 
 may say, that I never looked a human being in the 
 face. Indeed it was the custom of the whole 
 family to walk leisurely round and examine the 
 back of the head to ascertain each other's wants, 
 feelings and sensations. I can proudly say that my 
 father was never but once mistaken in this infalli- 
 ble augury, and then he fell into such a passion with 
 the organs that they ever afterwards took good care 
 to accommodate themselves to his theory. 
 
 " From the period that I became an orphan, I 
 determined to devote my remaining days to the es- 
 tablishment of his favourite science, by actual ex- 
 periment and observation. I considered it as a 
 
255 
 
 sister orphan in a state of helpless infancy left to my 
 bringing up, and for whose future fate I was in a 
 great measure responsible. Accordingly I decli- 
 ned the hereditary professorship which had been 
 in our family three centuries, and in order that T 
 might study the human character without interrup- 
 tion, retired to this forest, and secluded myself 
 from mankind. I was induced to select this spot 
 in preference to all others, because it afforded me 
 the most ample scope and materials for laying the 
 everlasting basis of what may be emphatically call- 
 ed the science of human nature, taught, not by the 
 quick, but the dead ; derived not from the lying 
 tongues and deceitful eyes of living men, but from 
 the tomb, whence the hollow socket and the tongue- 
 less, fleshless lips, proclaim in accents of eternal 
 truth, the secrets of the hitherto unvisited brain. 
 Let no one say that when the brain is out, the man 
 will die, for it is then only that he may be figura- 
 tively said to live, to speak, and to disclose through 
 the medium of the sublime organs of the cerebel- 
 lum the secrets of his heart and head, the mystery of 
 what he was when living. Here," said he, with 
 lofty enthusiasm, exhibiting a skull divided and 
 numbered as I have described — " here is the world 
 I study, and here the history of the human race 
 written in characters of eternal truth with the pen- 
 cil of immortality. I do not want to read Tacitus 
 to know what the owner of this was when living — 
 
 # 
 
256 
 
 3 know he was rash, self-willed and brave, and that 
 in the very nature of things, he must have been 
 governed by the organ of combativeness. Look at 
 it — it is the skull of Quintilius Varus, who wa? 
 cut off with his three legions on this very spot by 
 our illustrious Herman, whom the historian call:- 
 Arminius, to make his name sound like that of a 
 Roman." 
 
 "How do you know it is the skull of Quintilius 
 Varus," asked T. 
 
 " By Phrenology." 
 
 " What is that ?" asked I again. 
 
 " The infallible science invented by my father. 
 Jt is called phrenology, from phrenzy or phrenetic: 
 my illustrious father having been considered mad 
 during the latter part of his life, like almost all 
 other daring geniuses who have had the courage to 
 instruct mankind. They swallow knowledge with 
 as much difficulty and as many wry faces as they 
 do physic, and reward their benefactors for enlight- 
 ening them, by calling them mad. But to go on 
 with my story. 
 
 " I have mentioned that this cave is in the centre 
 of the encampment where Varus and his legions 
 were slain by the Germans, and their skulls piled up 
 in heaps as recorded by Tacitus. It was for this 
 reason I selected it for the field of my achieve- 
 ments in demonstrating the truths of phrenology. 
 Hejre I could find innumerable examples to suit my 
 
 m 
 
257 
 
 theory — here I could make what use I pleased of 
 those reliques which elsewhere the ignorant hold 
 sacred ; and here, above all, I could remain free 
 from the intrusion of vulgar curiosity, for not a 
 peasant in forty miles will approach this spot except 
 unwittingly. You will wonder perhaps that thpse 
 skulls should have remained so perfect as you now 
 see them for such a length of time. But when J 
 tell you that with the exception of the Egyptians, 
 the Romans had the thickest and most solid skulls 
 of any ancient people, you will not be incredulous. 
 You recollect Herodotus bears testimony to the 
 thickness of the Egyptian skulls, a fact sufficient in 
 itself to explode the vulgar opinion that a thick 
 skull is synonymous with stupidity. 
 
 " Here I proceeded to establish my science upon 
 the eternal basis of demonstration. In the first 
 place I looked into Tacitus, and found that Varus 
 had imprudently advanced far into the pathless 
 forests of Germany — that he had encamped on un- 
 favourable ground ; had finally been surprised by 
 Arminius, and himself and all his legions slain. It 
 followed pretty clearly from these premises, that 
 Varus was a daring, uncalculating sort of a person, 
 who beyond all doubt had the organ of combative- 
 ness strongly developed, and that of secretiveness 
 exceedingly small. Accordingly, I selected from 
 the skulls scattered around me one which exhibited 
 these two features in the most marked and con- 
 22* 
 
258 
 
 sptcpous manner. This was beyond all question 
 the skull of Varus ; and here it is. Examine it — 
 Here is the organ of combativeness, or fondness for 
 fighting ; observe how it projects and is expanded. 
 Here — no — here is the organ of secretiveness, or in 
 other words, the propensity to hide away when dan- 
 ger approaches. Observe, it is almost imperceptible. 
 It is plain that the owner of this skull was without 
 the sense of fear ; of course it must be the skull of 
 Varus. There is no doubt of it — to disbelieve would 
 argue absolute stupidity — it would be flying in the 
 face of demonstration." 
 
 " Without doubt, 1 ' said T, for I began to be of opi- 
 nion that this old man was a sage, and in all proba- 
 bility might furnish me with what I had hitherto 
 sought in vain over half the world. 
 
 " Very well," continued the sage, " we have thus 
 established the fact, that these particular organs do 
 actually and invariably indicate the qualities my 
 father ascribed to them. The next step was to 
 identify other organs with other qualities until I had 
 made out a complete system, comprehending all the 
 moral, physical and intellectual faculties of the hu- 
 man race. Accordingly I proceeded to select and 
 classify the skulls that lay scattered around, placing 
 all those together which exhibited the same or simi- 
 lar peculiarities. After having done this I proceed- 
 ed to christen them agreeably to the nomenclature 
 of the infallible science. One heap I dubbed men of 
 
2o9 
 
 genius, because k was the smallest — another thieve? 
 — another murderers — some I called lovers of order 
 — some lovers of tune — some of numbers — some ol 
 novelty — some I disposed of in one class, some in 
 another, as situation and circumstances required. 
 For instance, in this very cave which I have now 
 inhabited almost thirty years, 1 found on my arrival 
 a great many skulls lying dispersed on the floor, or 
 the recesses within. These I took it for granted 
 appertained to persons who had retreated there for 
 shelter — had been discovered by the German army, 
 and put to death. They must therefore have hid 
 away — and therefore the organ of the brain the 
 most remarkable and most strongly developed must 
 of necessity be that of secretiveness or hiding away. 
 I confess that there was a great diversity in the 
 phrenology of these runaways, and that not a few of 
 them exhibited a most provoking development of 
 the organ of combativeness, or fighting. This was 
 a formidable obstacle to my progress, but I got over 
 it at last, by supposing what was very natural, that 
 these latter might have been the skulls of the va- 
 liant Germans who, pursuing the runaways into 
 their last retreat, were slain in combat with these 
 cowards, for cowards will fight when desperate. 
 
 " There was one particular projection or deve- 
 lopment of the organ common to all the skulls I 
 examined, which I called the organ of order. The 
 soldiers of Varus were of the veteran Roman le~ 
 
260 
 
 giojis, who had doubtless been in service almost ail 
 their lives. Now the distinguishing characteristic 
 of a soldier, is order and discipline, which are in 
 fact, one and the same. Therefore that organ 
 which is most universally and strongly developed 
 in soldiers, must be the organ of discipline. 
 
 " In this manner I continued to build up by de- 
 grees my favourite science upon the impregnable 
 basis of experience and demonstration, until I had 
 selected a class of skulls to represent the whole 
 range of human passions and human faculties. In 
 this way too, by unwearied patience and assiduity, 
 1 ' established' the truth of my father's theory in a 
 manner that I defy the world to shake. So per- 
 fectly am I convinced of its unerring principles, its 
 unassailable strength and accuracy, that were I not 
 so old I would go forth into the world and fearlessly 
 govern myself by the infallible criterion of phre- 
 nology in my judgment of mankind. As it is I 
 must leave it to some young and enterprising adven- 
 turer to accomplish the only remaining point ne- 
 cessary to convince mankind and overturn the mis- 
 chievous absurdities of the contemptible science (a> 
 by courtesy it is called) of physiognomy." 
 
 Here Dr. Gallgotha, for that I found was the her- 
 mit's name, concluded his details, which, in their 
 progress, had entirely changed my first impressions 
 in relation to his character and pursuits. As he 
 proceeded in the development of his system, he 
 
261 
 
 called forth my wonder and admiration; and long 
 before he concluded, I had become a conyert to his 
 principles. It appeared to me impossible, indeed, 
 that a rational being could shut up his understand- 
 ing to the conviction of its irresistible demonstra- 
 tions ; and my imagination expanded with the hope 
 of being able, at last, to succeed in the mission 
 which had cost me so many toils and dangers. I 
 remained several days in this abode of science, 
 during which time the doctor gradually unfolded 
 the minutiaof his system, and taught me the whole 
 mystery of development. Every day we became 
 more enthusiastically convincedof the impregnability 
 of the science ; and nothing could equal the delight 
 of the old man at finding such a scholar, except 
 mine at meeting such a preceptor. 
 
 " Thou art just the disciple I should have select- 
 ed from the whole world — for thou hast the finest 
 development of the organ of faith I ever remember 
 to have seen. Come, I will take my staff and skulls, 
 and, like the sages of old, go forth into the world to 
 teach and to enlighten. Wilt thou be my compa- 
 nion, my disciple, my son by adoption ?" 
 
 You may suppose I acceded to this proposal 
 with a transport of delight ; and it was accordingly 
 arranged to depart the very next day, so anxious 
 were we to begin our scientific pilgrimage. " We 
 shall want nothing," said Dr. Gallgotha — " I will 
 instruct the people, and they in return wiil grate- 
 
202 
 
 fiiUy administer to our trifling necessities, when 
 what we have is spent." 
 
 Accordingly, the next day, having deposited the 
 skull of Quintilius Varus with other specimens ex- 
 hibiting each of the cerebral developments essen- 
 tial to the demonstration of the doctor's first prin- 
 ciples, in a bag, thrown over my horse, we bade a 
 iinal adieu to the cave of Macpelah, and sallied 
 forth, agreeing to ride and walk by turns. In pass- 
 ing the spot where I had been knocked from my 
 horse by the mysterious hand, I observed a limb 
 projecting over the road, apparently about the 
 height of my mouth when on horseback, and in- 
 crusted with an icy sleet. Jt occurred to me, it 
 might have been this limb that knocked me down 
 and thus, as it were, became a providential instru- 
 ment in bringing about my meeting with this in- 
 spired old man. 
 
 Emerging from the forest, we entered a fine pic- 
 turesque country, full of grassy verdure, blushing 
 vines and laughing villages. At one of these last 
 we stopped for refreshment, and were introduced 
 into a public room where sat perhaps a dozen tra- 
 vellers around a large old fashioned oak table. The 
 old manjmmediately began to exercise his talent in 
 demonstrative science. He put on his spectacles, 
 and walked leisurely round the table, stopping be- 
 hind every man and studying the infallible index of 
 his mind at the back of his head. At length lie 
 
263 
 
 came to one. at (he first view of which, he retreated 
 with horror. He then approached it again, and as 
 if impelled by the irresistible fascination of over- 
 whelming terror, put his fingers upon a part of the 
 man's skull. The fellow started up, and turning 
 furiously round upon the doctor, exclaimed — 
 
 "D nyou! what are you about with my 
 
 head ?" 
 
 " N — n — n — n — nothing," replied the doctor, in 
 a voice quaking with terror — " I — I — Heavens and 
 earth ! what a supernatural development of the 
 
 organ of . Pray, my dear sir, when did you 
 
 commit your last m . I'll give you a hundred 
 
 rix dollars for that skull of yours." 
 
 " Old man," replied the fellow, gruffly, " its well 
 for you that you are old, and, as I suspect, not very 
 wise, or I would — " 
 
 " O dont — now dont m — m — . Pray now, my 
 dear sir, dont kill me !" 
 
 " Kill you !" said the other, with a contemptuous 
 smile, " though my trade is killing, it is not such 
 tough old animals as you I deal with." He then 
 quietly sat down again, while the doctor sidled up 
 to me, and taking my elbow, drew me significantly 
 out of the room. 
 
 " We must depart instantly," said he. 
 
 " What, without our breakfast ?" said I. 
 
 " Aye — or it is all over with us. That man is 
 one of the greatest villains in existence — he has the 
 
264 
 
 organ of murder, almost as large as the bass pipe of 
 the great organ at Antwerp — He cannot have com- 
 mitted less than a hundred assassinations. Come — 
 come — let us depart secretly that the murderer may 
 not know which way we go." What an invaluable 
 science, thought I, that thus intuitively announces 
 to us the dangers, which others discover only when 
 it is too late. 
 
 We now moved ourselves quietly out of the inn 
 unnoticed by any of the domestics, who, as we owed 
 them nothing, were indifferent to our motions. The 
 old man, and indeed so did I, often looked back to 
 -ce if the murderer was coming after us, but luckily 
 we turned an angle of the road, and were out of 
 >ight before he made his appearance. 
 
 " What a lucky escape !" quoth the doctor. 
 
 " Miraculous !" responded I. 
 
 We proceeded on slowly till the sun began to 
 wax low in the western horizon, when being tired 
 and withal exceeding hungry, we gladly descried a 
 pretty considerable village, in a rich vale which 
 -[)iead its soft evening beauties under our eyes as 
 we reached the summit of a hill, at whose feet it lay 
 nestling. We pushed forward with new spirits, and 
 gaily footed down the hill, close to the bottom of 
 which was an inn, bearing on its sign-post the head 
 of the great Frederick. " There," quoth the doc- 
 tor triumphantly — " there is a Jiving proof of the 
 falsehood of that delusive science, which Lavalcr 
 
265 
 
 palmed upon the world. If you look at that head 
 in front, it is the head of a blockhead — if in the 
 rear, it is that of the greatest man Germany ever 
 produced, with the exception of my father, and one 
 other, whom I shall not at present name." 
 
 The doctor's self gratulations were speedily put to 
 (light by the appearance of the tremendous assassin 
 we had escaped from in the manner just related, 
 fie rode up to the inn, which I afterwards learned 
 was a place where horses were let, dismounted, 
 gave his beast to the hostler, and turned away, care- 
 lessly exclaiming, with a significant nod at the doc- 
 tor — 
 
 " O ! you're there, are you ?" 
 
 " Its all over with us," cried the doctor, in de- 
 spair — " I shall perish, and what is worse than all, 
 the most noble science ever invented will pencil 
 with me ?" 
 
 " Pray, sir," said I to the landlord, who had just 
 made his appearance, with a portly figure, a laugh- 
 ing eye, and a jolly careless gait, giving shrewd pro- 
 mise of a pestilent wag — " Pray, sir, what is the 
 name of the person who rode up just now . ? " 
 
 " Why we call the fellow Abaellino," answered 
 mine host. 
 
 " The great bandit," echoed I. 
 
 " You may say that," replied he—" that fellow 
 is the greatest robber and murderer in a hundred 
 miles round." 
 
 23 
 
266 
 
 ;> I told you so, 1 ' said the doctor aside to me. 
 
 "Divine science of phrenology !" aspirated I 
 with fervour. 
 
 " A robber and murderer !" resumed the doctor 
 after a pause — " why is he not secured and pu- 
 nished ?" 
 
 " O, we can't well do without him," rejoined the 
 other — " he is the butcher of the village, and though 
 he regularly robs us in the way of his business, we 
 don't like to turn our backs upon his beef and mutton." 
 .So saying, he invited us into the house, and at our 
 request showed us into a room he called the moon, 
 by ourselves. After sitting silent awhile with his 
 face rather averted, the doctor slowly moved his 
 head upon the pivot of his neck, and looking me full 
 in the eye, began — 
 
 " This mistake, as it doubtless appears to you 
 who are not yet thoroughly initiated into the mys- 
 teries of the science, only the more convinces me 
 of the infallibility of the organs of the cerebellum, 
 in disclosing to the scientific adept, the mysteries of 
 every variety of human character. With what un- 
 erring instinct, as it were, did I dive into the secret 
 propensities of the man who has just left us. That 
 his trade or profession was murder, I had not the 
 least doubt ; but whether a murderer of men or 
 beasts, the cerebellum does not sufficiently indi- 
 cate •, at least I confess I have not yet detected the 
 precise development of the organ of murder, which 
 
267 
 
 points out the difference between the slayer of men. 
 and the slayer of beasts." 
 
 " What a pity !" replied I, sighing. 
 
 " Certainly it is to be lamented," continued the 
 doctor, " but it is no impeachment of a science, to 
 say that it is not perfect. There are other defects 
 in our science, which it is one of the objects of this 
 pilgrimage to remedy or remove. It is not yet set- 
 tled in my system, whether mind operates upon 
 matter, or matter upon mind ; in other words, whe- 
 ther those developments, which so unerringly indi- 
 cate the presence or absence of certain qualities, or 
 propensities of the animal man — " 
 
 " I thought you said he called man a machine," 
 interrupted the Man Machine rather impatiently. 
 
 " So he did at first," replied Le Peigne — " but 
 this time I am positive he called him an animal." 
 
 " He was a fool for his pains— but I beg pardon ; 
 go on, sir." 
 
 Doctor Gallgotha, continued Mr. I^e Peigne, 
 was saying that he was not satisfied in his own 
 mind whether those cerebral developments, which so 
 unerringly indicated the presence or absence of cer- 
 tain decided and governing qualities or propensities 
 of the animal man, were the cause or the effect of 
 these qualities and propensities. " This doubt," con- 
 tinued he, " has occasioned me infinite trouble and 
 vexation, since upon its decision depends the great 
 point, whether mind or matter is predominant in in- 
 
263 
 
 teUectual beings. Whether in fact, mind is the seal, 
 and matter the wax, or vice rersd, is what I must of 
 necessity decide experimentally and demonstrably, 
 before I publish my system to the universe." 
 
 At this moment there was a loud uproar and 
 bawling in the passage, which attracted our atten- 
 tion, and drew us to that quarter, where we found 
 the jolly landlord chastising a boy belonging to the 
 house, for some fault or other. The lad roared 
 manfully, but the landlord continued his discipline, 
 until at our intercession he let him off. I observ- 
 ed that doctor Gallgotha took particular notice of 
 the stick with which the chastisement was inflicted, 
 and picking it up, examined it with strict attention. 
 When we returned to our room, he seized my hand, 
 and squeezing it with trembling enthusiasm cried 
 out, 
 
 " Heureka ! Heureka ! I have found it !" 
 
 " Found what ?" said I, a little alarmed least the 
 doctor had lost some such thing as his wits, rather 
 than found any thing valuable. 
 
 " I have received a full solution of my doubt, in 
 the simple incident we have just witnessed. Behold 
 how we philosophers differ from other men, in con- 
 verting apparently the meanest, most trivial inci- 
 dents into the foundation and supports of a theory. 
 Look at this stick — it has settled a point that has 
 puzzled the wits of the wisest of all ages." 
 
269 
 
 I looked at the stick, and was obliged to confess 
 that I saw nothing very particular about it — it 
 was not even a witch-hazel. The doctor smiled 
 with an ineffable yet condescending look of supe- 
 riority. 
 
 " Didst thou observe how the application of this 
 stick affected the mind of that boy so as to cause 
 him to writhe, and shrink, and cry out aloud . ? " 
 
 " I did." 
 
 "And didst thou see or hear any thing of this 
 kind proceeding from the stick '?" 
 
 " Verily no." 
 
 " Very well — thus then we have a convincing 
 example, better than all the argument in the 
 world, that it is matter which operates upon mind 
 and not mind upon matter, since we see this stick, 
 which is altogether composed of matter, is not the 
 least affected by the stripes, at the same time that 
 the mind of the lad is entirely overcome, even unto 
 tears and wailings." 
 
 1 could almost have fallen at the feet of the man 
 whose capacious mind could thus, as it were, like 
 some potent enchanter, settle the whole universe 
 with the aid only of a little stick or wand. Every 
 moment he gained upon my admiration, and I had 
 forgot even that 1 had not tasted food all day long, 
 when the maid servant opportunely came in witii 
 our supper. Scarcely had she placed it on the table 
 when the doctor cried out — 
 23* 
 
270 
 
 " Come hither, my pretty girl." 
 
 She approached, blushing and bridling, and real)} 
 looking quite charming. 
 
 " Pshaw !" said the doctor, " turn your back — I 
 don't want to see your face — its not worth looking 
 at. Mercy upon us ! what a development of the 
 organ of amativeness — truly thou hast a neck like a 
 bull ! Thou art over head and ears in love, I war- 
 rant thee — and here — here too is the organ of se- 
 cretiveness, big enough to hold a stout strapping 
 lover as secretly as a kernel in a nutshell. And 
 here, bless me ! — here is the organ of inquisitiveness 
 swelled out to an enormous size — Damsel, confess 
 now, thou hast listened at a half-open door, and 
 peeped through a key -hole many a time and oft — 
 hey ?" 
 
 The damsel took this insinuation in dudgeon, 
 flounced out of the room in a hurry, and proclaim- 
 ed in the kitchen that there was a witch, or a ne- 
 cromancer in the moon. There was no getting her 
 into the room again the whole evening. After 
 supper we lighted our pipes, for I had learned to 
 smoke at the instance of the doctor, who assured 
 me it was the best medium for philosophising in 
 the world. Doctor Gallgotha then resumed the 
 conversation on the mysteries and doubts which 
 gave him so much trouble and stood so directly in 
 the way of the progress of this stupendous science. 
 By degrees we penetrated deeper and deeper 
 
271 
 
 into the profundity of phrenology, and step by step 
 arrived at the conclusion that it was not only the 
 most noble of all the sciences, but that, if it could 
 only be brought to perfection, it would supersede 
 the necessity of all other modes of human know- 
 ledge. In proportion as the smoke of our pipes 
 became more dense and impenetrable, did our men- 
 tal vision seem to become more clear and penetra- 
 ting, until we discovered through the mists that en- 
 veloped us, the consummation of all our anticipa- 
 tions in the universal establishment of the sublime 
 mysteries of the cerebral development. Then ex- 
 perience would be unnecessary and knowledge of 
 the world superfluous — then men would no longer 
 depend upon the vague and uncertain indications of 
 character exhibited by human actions — then inex- 
 perience would no longer be the dupe of cunning 
 and deception — and even children might be taught 
 a profound insight into the characters of each other, 
 by studying the infallible auguries of the cerebral 
 development. 
 
 Suddenly however we were brought down to the 
 level of humanity, by a confusion of voices, screams 
 and exclamations, which proceeded from the adjoin- 
 ing room, where we had deposited our baggage. 
 On hastening thither we beheld a scene which 
 beggars description. It seems the jolly landlord had 
 that evening expected a bag of cabbages from a 
 garden he possessed, a little way out of the village, 
 
272 
 
 but had gone to bed without thinking lo inquire 
 whether they were actually arrived. The circum- 
 stance occurred to him while in bed, and as he 
 was one of those fidgety impatient bodies that can 
 never sleep with a doubt on their minds, he had 
 rung the bell and directed the fair damsel with the 
 organ of inquisitiveness so finely developed, to 
 search for the bag of cabbages, and let him know 
 whether it had come. In pursuance of this order, 
 she at length encountered our bag, and feeling 
 something round in it, untied the string, put in 
 her hand and brought out the identical skull of Quin- 
 tilius Varus, grinning defiance to Arminius and all 
 his host. The poor girl screamed and fell flat on the 
 floor, upsetting at the same time the bag, which pour- 
 ed forth its contents, rolling in all directions about 
 the room. The scream brought out every living 
 thing within the house, not excepting the cat and 
 the dog. As they entered the room to see what 
 was the matter, they encountered the implements of 
 phrenology, and tumbled one upon the other in hor- 
 rible confusion, screaming with terror as they dis- 
 covered the obstacles that had occasioned their fall. 
 The jolly host trembled from top to toe, and swore 
 as loudly as his chattering teeth would permit, as he 
 stood with his tufted nightcap on one side of his 
 head; the innamorato of the inquisitive damsel, who 
 was no other than the hostler, now hovered over 
 his mistress blubbering, and now fell a kicking the 
 
273 
 
 innocent causes of her catastrophe — while pussy 
 delighted with so pretty a plaything, was purring 
 and pawing with the phrenological index of poor 
 Varus. There was not a face less white than a 
 sheet in the whole party, except that of the African 
 cook, which became absolutely ten times blacker 
 than ever with terror and dismay. 
 
 When doctor Gallgotha saw the pillars, as it 
 were, of his science thus overthrown and rolling on 
 the floor, subject to the kicks of an illiterate clown 
 and the pawings of an ignorant pussy, he lost all 
 patience, and exclaimed in a hollow voice that 
 seemed to come from one. of the tongueless remains 
 before us, and startled even me — 
 
 "Avaunt! base and illiterate plebeians — fly — 
 skip — and leave the sacred depositories of the most 
 sublime and incomprehensible of all sciences which 
 ye have thus impiously assailed — leave them I say 
 — and thou most sacrilegious of the feline breed, no 
 longer pollute with thy unhallowed paw the remains 
 of thy betters. Look at me," continued he — " I 
 come from the regions of the dead — I have been 
 lor more than thirty years the companion of these 
 eloquent remains that speak without tongues and 
 philosophise without brains — I have conversed all 
 my life with dead men's bones — and may say with- 
 out exaggeration that I come into the world an 
 envoy from the grave !" 
 
 "A ghost — a ghost !" shrieked men, women and 
 
274 
 
 children, at this appalling speech ; and indeed the 
 doctor had something extremely supernatural about 
 him at that moment. His pale and hollow cheeks, 
 sunken eyes, shining forehead and skull of polished 
 ivory, unshadowed by a single hair, as he stood 
 holding up the knob of Varus in his hand, altoge- 
 ther seemed to justify the renewed terrors of the 
 group, which now hurried helter-skelter out of the 
 room into the dark entry, where the jolly landlord 
 fell over the damsel with the organ of inquisitive- 
 ness so finely developed — the black cook over the 
 jolly landlord, and the rest one upon another in 
 horrible confusion. On their departure the doctor 
 replaced his treasures in the bag, which he desired 
 me to carry up into our sleeping room, where we 
 disposed ourselves to rest. The last thing the 
 good man did before he fell asleep was to observe 
 to me the singular exemplification of the truth of 
 his principles which had just occurred. " It was 
 phrenologically impossible," said he, " that any 
 other person in the house, but the damsel with the 
 organ of inquisitiveness, should have had the curi- 
 osity to open my bag.' 1 
 
 We slept late in the morning, partly owing to the 
 fatigue of our day's journey and partly to the cir- 
 cumstance of remaining entirely undisturbed. Not 
 a soul knocked at the door, and the region about us 
 seemed as quiet as if inhabited only by Varus and 
 his speechless companions. Seeing the sun shining 
 
275 
 
 bright into our window, I got up, dressed myself, 
 and waking my companion, we descended together 
 into the room we had occupied the night before. 
 Not a soul came near us, and there was no symptom 
 of preparation for breakfast. I opened a door 
 which led into the bar-room to inquire for some- 
 body, and detected the inquisitive damsel peeping 
 through the key-hole. She screamed, and fled 
 away like a wild crane. "More confirmation of 
 the sublime science," exclaimed the doctor, rubbing 
 his hands — "but I should like something to eat." 
 Once more 1 opened the door and sallied forth, but 
 could find no living soul save ourselves in the whole 
 house. I then proceeded to the stable, where by 
 good luck, as I supposed, I encountered the hostler, 
 who, the moment he saw me with the doctor at my 
 heels, who by this time had overtaken me, seized 
 his pitch-fork and exclaimed, " Doant ee coom noigh 
 me — now dontee — oi should'nt mooch loike to kill 
 a spook, but by gum an ye coom ony noigher oill 
 make day light shoine through two holes in ee, T 
 wool — so I wool." So saying, he retreated under 
 cover of his fork into the recesses of the stable and 
 there entrenched himself behind a large goat who 
 shouldered his horns at us in defiance. 
 
 Perceiving no prospect of getting any breakfast 
 here, after a little preliminary discussion, we decided 
 to saddle our horse and proceed forthwith to the 
 next town as fast as possible, least the panic should 
 
276 
 
 precede us. The hostler stood behind his en- 
 trenchment and witnessed our preparations without 
 the least apparent disposition to interfere. When 
 all was ready, the doctor proffered payment for our 
 entertainment and that of our horse. 
 
 " Noa — noa," was the reply — " Oi want none of 
 thy diabolical money, not oi — oi dare to say 'twould 
 set moi breeches afire or turn into snakes in moi 
 pocket — noa — noa — goa ee away to the grave where 
 the old mon says he belongs — art welcome to the 
 provender — dang it if I did'nt think he eat his oat? 
 different from a Christian horse loike — goa — now 
 do goa, or dang me if 1 doant stick ee." 
 
 " Let me first examine your cerebral develop- 
 ment to see if you are really inclined to commit mur- 
 der," quoth the doctor, advancing. 
 
 " Shalt see it quick enough if thee comest any 
 noigher," said hostler, marshaling his pitch-fork. 
 
 " Let us begone," said the doctor — " I'd as soon 
 attempt to teach the sublime science to a horse as 
 to that illiterate Cyclops." 
 
 Accordingly we proceeded to the house still silent 
 and deserted as before, placed our baggage upon 
 the horse, and leaving what we supposed sufficient 
 for our fare upon the table, departed from the vil- 
 lage. As we turned to take a last look at the inn, 
 we detected the inquisitive damsel, peeping cau- 
 tiously out of a garret window. " Still new demon- 
 strations," cried the doctor, and for a time forgot 
 
277 
 
 he had eaten no breakfast. I afterwards learned that 
 the appearance of the doctor had become a regular 
 ghost story, already incorporated into the country 
 legends, and that the jolly landlord would not touch 
 the money we left on the table until it had been 
 soundly exorcised. 
 
 Proceeding on our journey, about noon we ar- 
 rived at a town, which, being the seat of govern- 
 ment of a sovereign prince, who had one sixth of a 
 vote at the Diet, and whose territory was full a 
 league and a half square, was a place of some con- 
 sequence. Here we determined to stop for the 
 purpose of refreshment, and with a design to stay 
 long enough to deliver a lecture at least. Accord- 
 ingly, advertisements were posted up in the most 
 conspicuous quarters— for it is to be observed the 
 prince would not allow of a newspaper in his do- 
 minions, for fear it might overturn his empire an 
 
 invitation was also sent to the prince and princess 
 together with the lords and ladies of the court, to 
 httjoiir with their presence a lecture on the sublime 
 science. No further particulars were given. " VVe 
 will surprise them," quoth the doctor, « with an 
 entire novelty." 
 
 The best apartment of the inn was procured, and 
 dimly lighted to suit the solemn obscurity of the 
 science to be illustrated ; and the table behind which 
 the doctor stood to deliver his lecture was covered 
 with a student's black cloak, borrowed for the occa- 
 24 
 
278 
 
 ■>ion. It was somewhat late in the evening before 
 the lecture began, for the prince always took a nap 
 after dinner, with his head in the lap of his mistress. 
 Besides this, some delay occurred in consequence 
 of several disputes about precedence among the 
 nobility, which the prince settled on his arrival. It 
 is curious by the way, that every where else except 
 at courts, when two well-bred persons are going 
 into a room together, the contest is not who shall 
 go first but who shall go last. At length, however, 
 every thing was settled, and the doctor commenced 
 his lecture by explaining the first principles, and 
 general outlines of the sublime science. Ail this 
 the company endured with exemplary decorum. 
 But when, for the purpose of exemplification, he 
 resorted to his bag, which stood at his side, and one 
 by one leisurely brought forth the skulls of Varus 
 and his companions, there was a terrible uproar 
 among the votaries of science. The sovereign prin- 
 cess shrieked and fainted ; of course the ladies of 
 the court could do no less than follow her example. 
 During their insensibility they some way or other 
 managed to get out of the lecture-room, leaving me 
 and the doctor alone, like the children in the wood. 
 The prince was so enraged that he threatened to 
 shut us up in a prison he had, called the Seven Tow- 
 ers ; but from this he was dissuaded by a cunning 
 old fox of a minister who reminded him of the prac- 
 tice of throwing a tub to a whale. " It will keep 
 
279 
 
 the people from thinking and talking about a rep- 
 resentative government and such dangerous mat- 
 ters," said he, " which is the great use of the arts 
 and sciences." So we escaped the prison of the 
 Seven Towers. We heard afterwards that the reign- 
 ing princess had been brought to bed of a young 
 prince whose cerebral development was exactly 
 that of Quintilius Varus. 
 
 I shall pass over the various incidents of the re- 
 maining portion of our journey till we reached 
 Paris, merely observing that the doctc, by reason 
 of enlisting every thing that fell in his way among 
 the demonstrations and exemplifications of the sub- 
 lime science, had established it, in his own mind, 
 ten times stronger than ever, and so firmly convinc- 
 ed himself and me, that we would have laid down 
 our lives in defence of is principles. By the time 
 we arrived at Paris, we were precisely in that state 
 of enthusiastic excitement, which the vulgar call 
 madness, but which philosophers and theorists well 
 know proceeds from an innate and heaven-born 
 conviction of the truth, connected with a vehement 
 zeal in its propagation. 
 
 At Paris we found the throne of science, as it 
 were, deserted and vacant. Ever since the fashion- 
 able world became scientific, it has been observ- 
 ed that nothing but novelty will go down at lectures. 
 They get tired even of inspiration, if too often re- 
 peated, and the noblest truths of the most sublime 
 sciences are interesting and attractive only so long 
 
280 
 
 as they continue to be new. They coquette wiUj 
 the sciences, as they do with their lovers, and a new 
 science to a fashionable blue stocking, is as a new 
 face or a new fashion. In this state was Paris on 
 our arrival. The astronomers with their great 
 telescopes had ransacked the heavens until not a 
 single incognito star remained ; the botanists could 
 find no new plants to christen with unchristian 
 names ; the naturalists having exhausted the living 
 world, were busily employed upon antediluvian 
 bones; the chymists having become tired of enact- 
 ing the bottle conjuror, were fast relapsing into 
 their former usefulness and confining their lec- 
 tures to those who only came there to be in- 
 structed. In short, the old thread-bare sciences 
 were quite out of favour with the fashionable 
 amateurs, as affording nothing but useful prac- 
 tical knowledge, only fit for musty scholars and 
 greasy mechanics. There was not a good joke 
 stirring in all Paris — nor a new tragedy to frighten 
 the government, with declamations about liberty in 
 the mouth of a Greek patriot — nor a rumour of a 
 conspiracy, an intrigue, or a change in the ministry 
 to keep people from dying of ennui, which they cer- 
 tainly would have done if it had not been for a cer- 
 tain ultra-viscount and his new theatre. In short, 
 we came in the nick of time, and the whole world 
 was, as it were, before us. 
 
 The doctor lost no time in announcing his arrival, 
 and calling upon some of the most confirmed Mas- 
 
281 
 
 cenii of the cuy, who are said to be so fond of pa- 
 tronage that they consider it a great obligation for 
 any body to apply for it at their hands. One of 
 these was a good lady, who immediately got into 
 her carriage, and before night had engaged half the 
 beau-monde of Paris to come to the lecture on an 
 entire new science, which had never before been 
 heard of among the learned. In truth, a most bril- 
 liant audience collected to hear the doctor, who on 
 this occasion for the first time promoted me to the 
 office of handing and returning the cerebral deve- 
 lopments as he had occasion to use them in the course 
 of his lecture. 
 
 The lecture with which Dr. Gallgotha commen- 
 ced his course in Paris, was the same that frightened 
 the sovereign princess and her court into tits ; but 
 I will do the ladies of Paris the justice to say that 
 they stood the display of our phrenological speci- 
 mens, like heroines ; whether it be that the French 
 women are naturally bolder than the German, or 
 that a certain fashionable philosopher had in some 
 degree prepared them for scientific horrors, by his 
 exhibition of fossil remains. The thing took ama- 
 zingly—there was something new in the idea of 
 looking at the back of the head, instead of the face, 
 to ascertain the peculiarities of human character, 
 and novelty is indispensable to the existence of peo- 
 ple who have exhausted all other pleasures. There 
 were indeed some ladies belonging to the coteries o{ 
 24* 
 
282 
 
 the old lecturers, who affected to laughal the doctors 
 theory, but even they were effectually silenced by a 
 discovery of my master, that the organ of tune was 
 developed in the head of the famous composer Ros- 
 sini, to such a degree that it had actually monopo- 
 lized nearly the whole of his cerebellum. There 
 was no resisting this proof, not only that Rossini 
 was a great composer of tunes, but likewise that the 
 doctor's science was infallible. The fiddler and 
 the doctor accordingly were the two greatest men 
 in Paris. The rage for cerebral 'developments be- 
 came intense, and thenceforward every lady of the 
 least pretensions to fashion or science procured a 
 skull, marked and mapped conformably with the 
 principles of the sublime science, which she placed 
 on her toilet in order that she might dress and study 
 at the same time. Two or three of the most zeal- 
 ous female devotees actually fell in love with the 
 doctor, being deeply smitten with his cerebral de- 
 velopment. The fashionable gentlemen whose sole 
 business is to make love, began to grow jealous of 
 Varus and his legions, and one or two ludicrous 
 anecdotes occurred which set all Paris tittering. I 
 will relate them, although I cannot vouch for their 
 (ruth any farther than to say that every body be- 
 lieved them. 
 
 A young nobleman was deeply enamoured of a 
 beautiful lady of high rank, and particularly jealous 
 of one of his rivals who wore powder in bis hair. He 
 
28S 
 
 had been absent some weeks on military duty, and 
 returning to town one evening, proceeded directly 
 to the house of his mistress intending to surprise her 
 with a visit. Finding a servant at the door, he in- 
 quired for the lady, and was told that she was so 
 deeply engaged that she could see nobody. The 
 jealousy of the lover was alarmed, and pushing the 
 servant aside, he proceeded silently towards the 
 lady's boudoir, the door of which he found shut. 
 Pausing a moment, he heard as he imagined two 
 voices within exchanging words of most particular 
 endearment, and something in the pauses that sound- 
 ed like kissing. Human nature could stand it no 
 longer. He peeped through the key-hole where 
 he saw a sight that drove him to madness. The 
 lady was sitting by the light of a fire which was fast 
 going out, caressing and fondling a figure, the white- 
 ness of whose head too well indicated his detesta- 
 ble powdered rival. From time to time he heard 
 the words amativeness, adhesiveness, hope, secre- 
 tiveness and elopement, or something that sounded 
 very like it. The thing was perfectly plain — they 
 were exchanging professions 6¥ love and planning 
 an elopement. The sight and the conviction was 
 no longer to be borne. He burst open the door 
 furiously, and being in full uniform as an officer of 
 the guards, drew his sword and making a desperate 
 blow at the powdered head, it flew off the shoulders 
 and rolled upon the floor. The lady shrieked and 
 
284 
 
 sunk from her seat ; and the jealous lover hearing 
 a noise in the outward apartments, and supposing 
 he had done the gen .eman's business pretty effect- 
 ually, bethought himself that it was high time to 
 take care of himself. He accordingly made the 
 best of his way out of the house, towards the gate 
 -St. Honors, through which he hurried into the coun- 
 try, nor stopped till he had safely lodged himself 
 within his castle in Normandy. 
 
 From thence he wroie a letter filled with the most 
 cutting reproaches — charging his mistress with false- 
 hood, cruelty, deceit, and all sorts of villany, and 
 vowing on the cross of his sword, never to see her 
 more. The lady laughed two full hours on the 
 receipt of this defiance. When she had done laugh- 
 ing, as she really had a regard for her admirer, she 
 sat down and wrote him the following reply : 
 " Good Monsieur Jealousy — 
 
 " You are welcome to call me what you will, 
 except it be old or ugly. However, I forgive you. 
 and so does the formidable rival whose head you 
 so dexterously severed from his body, and who I 
 give you my honour*is not the least the worse for 
 the accident. I solemnly assure you, you may 
 come back to Paris without the ieast danger of 
 
 being prosecuted by the family of monsieur M 
 
 or being received by u,e with ill humour, for I 
 shall laugh at you terribly. 
 
 "Your friend, N.N," 
 
285 
 
 This epistle puzzled the lover not a little, and 
 caused him fifty sensations in a minute. First he 
 would return to Paris, and then he would not- 
 then he resolved never to see his mistress again— 
 and next to mount his horse, return immediately, 
 look her stone dead, and then set out on his travels 
 to the interior of Africa. This last resolution car- 
 ried the day, and he forthwith returned to Paris 
 in as great a hurry as he had left it. When the 
 lady saw him, she was as good as her word— she 
 laughed herself out of breath, and the more he re- 
 proached her, the louder she laughed. However, as 
 anger and laughter can't last for ever, a truce took 
 place in good time, and the lady addressed her lover 
 as follows : 
 
 " Cease thy reproaches, my good friend, and hear 
 me. I am determined to give you the most con- 
 vincing proof in the world of my truth and attach- 
 ment, by delivering your rival into your hands, to 
 be dealt with as you think proper. Know that he 
 is now concealed in this very room." 
 
 " Is he ?" replied the other in a rage— "then by 
 heaven he has not long to live— I shall take care to 
 cut off his head so effectually this time that the most 
 expert surgeon in Paris shali not put it on again— 
 where is the lurking caitiff?— But 1 need not ask 
 —I see his infernal powdered head peeping from 
 Under the sopha— come out villain and receive the 
 reward of thy insolence in rivalling me." 
 
286 
 
 So saying, he seized the treacherous powdered 
 head, and to his astonishment drew it forth without 
 any body to it. He stood aghast — and the lady 
 threw herself on the sopha, and laughed ten times 
 louder than before. 
 
 " What in the name of woman," cried he at last, 
 "' is the meaning of all this mummery ?" 
 
 " It means that I am innocent — and that your 
 worship is — jealous of the skull, or what is worse, 
 the plaster counterfeit of the skull of your great- 
 grand-mother, the immortal author of the Grand 
 Cyrus. I was but admiring the beautiful indication 
 of the amative organ, from which it plainly appears 
 impossible that any other person could have writ- 
 ten such prodigiously long developments of the ten- 
 der passion. 1 ' 
 
 " But why did you kiss the filthy representation 
 of mortality ?" 
 
 " You were mistaken," answered the lady — " as 
 the room was rather dark, I placed my face close to 
 it in order the better to see and admire its beautiful 
 cerebral development. " 
 
 u Its what ?" replied the lover impatiently. 
 
 " Its phrenological indications." 
 
 " And what in the name of heaven are these?" 
 cried the lover in some alarm for the intellects of his 
 fair mistress. The lady then proceeded to explain 
 to him the revolution in science which had taken 
 place during his absence ; and a reconciliation 
 
287 
 
 being the consequence, that night took him to the 
 doctor's lecture that he might no longer be an 
 age behind the rest of the world. The story got 
 abroad — indeed the lady couid not resist teiiing 
 it herself to a friend with strict injunctions of secre- 
 cy — and all Paris became still more devoted to the 
 sublime science for having afforded such an excel- 
 lent subject for a joke. 
 
 The other story relates to a young nobleman 
 whose situation near the king, and orthodox ultra- 
 ism, made him a very distinguished person in the 
 beau-monde. But he was distiiu,- ;lshed only in a 
 certain way ; that is, he was a sort ut butt, on whose 
 shoulders every ridiculous incident was regularly 
 fathered, whether it owed its paternity to him or 
 not. As Pasquin stands sponsor for all the wise 
 sayings of Rome, so M. the Viscount came in for 
 all the foolish actions of Paris. He was, as it were, 
 residuary legatee to all the posthumous follies of his 
 ancestors, as well as the living absurdities of his 
 noble contemporaries. He was one of those peo- 
 ple who fancy themselves most eminently qualified 
 for that for which they are most peculiarly unfit, 
 and whom folly and vanity combined, are perpetu- 
 ally stimulating to act in direct opposition to nature 
 or destiny. He was contemptible in his person — 
 yet he set up for a beau and Adonis — he was still 
 more contemptible in mind — yet he never rested 
 till he had bought the title of a Maecenas and a 
 savan, of an industrious manufacturer of ultra-dog- 
 
288 
 
 gerel rhymes, whom he had got into the National In- 
 stitute. He was, moreover, born for a valet, or at 
 best, a pastry cook — yet he aspired to the lofty chi- 
 valry and inflexible honour of a feudal baron ; and 
 he became a soldier only, as it would seem, because 
 he was the greatest coward in all Paris. It was 
 well known that he gave five hundred franks to a 
 noted bully to let him beat him at a public coffee 
 house, and afterwards allowed his brother, a tall 
 grenadier, a pension not to kill him for it. 
 
 The viscount had likewise been absent some 
 months at a small town, in one of the northern de- 
 partments, whither he had gone to suppress an insur- 
 rection, began by two or three fish women, stimula- 
 ted as was shrewd!) suspected, by an old gardener, 
 who had, as was confidently asserted, been one of 
 Napoleon's trumpeters. On his return, he for the 
 first time heard of the sublime science and its pro- 
 gress among the beau-monde. The viscount hated 
 all innovations in science, or indeed any thing else. 
 He aspired to be a second Joshua, and to make the 
 sun of intellect at least stand still, if he could not 
 make it go backwards as he had good hopes of 
 doing. Without waiting to hear anv of the parti- 
 culars of our exhibition, he hastened, armed and in 
 uniform as he was, to the hotel wnere the doctor 
 was at that moment just commencing a lecture. 
 
 The valiant viscount advanced with great intre- 
 pidity close to the table, and leaning gracefully on 
 
289 
 
 his sword, listened in silence to discover whether 
 there was any thing that smacked of democracy or 
 heterodoxy. At the proper moment I put my hand 
 into our Golgotha, and leisurely drew forth the far- 
 famed skull of Varus, who I have always consider- 
 ed the most fortunate man of all antiquity, in hav- 
 ing been surprised aid slain in the now more me- 
 morable than ever forest of Teutoburgium. As we 
 scientific gentlemen have a hawk's eye for a new 
 comer, one of whom is worth a host of old faces at a 
 lecture, I took care in bringing the cerebral de- 
 velopment forth, to thurst it directly towards the face 
 of the viscount with the teeth foremost. The viscount 
 fell back, fainted, and lay insensible for some mi- 
 nutes. But the moment he revived, he started 
 upon his legs in a phrenzy of terror, and began to 
 lay about him with his good sword so valiantly that 
 nobody dared to come near him. First he attacked 
 the doctor and myself, who he charged with the 
 massacre of the eleven thousand virgins, and the 
 introduction of infidel skulls into France, which was 
 tantamount to preaching infidelity. The innocent 
 cerebellum of poor Varus, next felt the effects of 
 his terror-inspired valour. He hacked it until the 
 cerebral development was entirely destroyed, and 
 then proceeded in like manner to make an example 
 of the contents of the bag, which he shivered with- 
 out mercy, with his invincible sword. In short, 
 before he fairly came to his senses, the worthy gen- 
 
290 
 
 tleman had demolished Jmost every thing in the 
 room — put out the lights and frightened every soul 
 from the lecture. The solitude and darkness 
 which succeeded, brought him gradually to his 
 recollection, when finding himself thus left alone 
 with the ruins of so many pagan skulls, he gave a 
 great shriek, scampered out of the room, and did 
 not stop until he had sheltered himself in the very 
 centre of a corporal and his guard, belonging to his 
 regiment, who all swore they would stand by him 
 to the last drop of their blood. 
 
 This adventure was fatal to my master, Dr. Gall - 
 gotha. In the first place, it deprived him of nearly 
 the whole of his phrenological specimens, and with- 
 out these he was like a workman despoiled of his 
 tools. Besides, the viscount had the very next 
 morning demanded an audience of the king, in which 
 he denounced the doctor, as tinctured very strongly 
 with liberalism, and its invariable concomitants of 
 sacrilege and impiety. Now I will venture to 
 affirm, that the good doctor was not only perfectly 
 ignorant of the very meaning of the word liberal, but 
 that he was equally innocent of the other two 
 charges. The truth is, all his organs of faith, mo- 
 rality and politics, were swallowed up, or elbowed 
 out of the cerebellum, by the prodigious expansion 
 of the organ of ideality or invention. However 
 this may be, the king was more afraid of the three 
 abominations of liberalism, than of plague, pes- 
 
291 
 
 tilence and famine. He consulted the Jesuits, 
 who forthwith decided upon taking the poor doctor 
 and all his works into custody. The valiant • is- 
 count, who always volunteered in all cases of libe- 
 ralism and impiety, undertook the task, aided by a 
 guard of soldiers armed in proof, for he did not 
 know but the doctor might have another bag full of 
 pericraniums. Advancing with great caution they 
 surrounded the house, while the captain of the guard 
 with three stout resolute fellows, entered for the 
 purpose of reconnoitering the ground and especially 
 of ascertaining that there wt re no skulls to frighten 
 the viscount. That gallant soldier, having set- 
 tled the latter point to his satisfaction, charged 
 bayonet, in the rear of his guards, and rushing up 
 stairs in spite of Varus and his legions, detected the 
 doctor in the very act of committing to memory a 
 new lecture he had just composed for the purpose 
 o( demonstrating that there was a certain organ of 
 the cerebellum, the enlarged development of which 
 always entailed upon its possessor the absolute 
 necessity of committing murder. The dot tor and I 
 were clapped up in prison, and his lecture carried to 
 court to undergo a strict examination by the king's 
 confessor and the Jesuits. 
 
 It was sometime before these expert mousers of 
 radicalism and infidelity could make any thing of 
 the doctor's lecture, or discover any offence to 
 church or state. At length they came to that pari; 
 
292 
 
 where, in summing up the subject, he laid down the 
 doctrine of the actual necessity certain persons la- 
 boured under of committing murder, and that the 
 rule applied as well to kings as to their subjects. 
 
 " He inculcates the doctrine of equality," cried 
 one — " he denies the divine right of kings." 
 
 " He is a republican," cried a second. 
 
 "He is a traitor," cried a third. 
 
 A little farther on they found the following asser- 
 tion — " I deny that the three legions of Varus form- 
 ed one body." 
 
 " Behold !" said the confessor — " he denies the 
 trinity — he maintains that three is not one — enough, 
 let us burn the book and hang the doctor." 
 
 Some of the more moderate counselors, how- 
 ever, as I afterwards learned, petitioned for a miti- 
 gation of the sentence, which was finally com- 
 muted into perpetual banishment. We were sent 
 for to hear our doom, and the viscount who al- 
 ways liked a good natured errand was the bearer 
 of the message. As we followed him into the pa- 
 lace, which we all entered uncovered, the doctor 
 observed to me that the viscount had a most for- 
 midable development of the organ of self-esteem. 
 The confessor lectured the doctor upon his vile 
 infidelity, his liberalism, and disaffection to church 
 and state, all which came as naturally together as 
 so many^chymical affinities, The doctor demand- 
 
293 
 
 ed the proof, and was referred to the passages 1 
 have just repeated. 
 
 It was in vain I hat he referred in turn to the other 
 members of the se itences thus garbled, to prove that 
 he was neither alluding to religion or politics in his 
 lecture. 
 
 " No matter," said a cunning Jesuit, who could 
 convert a wink of the eye into treason, and a nod 
 of the head into blasphemy — " no matter — a pro- 
 position may be both treasonable and heterodoxical 
 in itself, although it has no immediate application 
 to either politics or religion. The assertion that 
 three does not make one, is complete in itself, and 
 requires no reference either to what precedes or 
 what follows. In two months you must be out of 
 France." 
 
 And thus were we banished from the paradise of 
 lecturers, only because doctor Gallgotha had wick- 
 edly and impiously asserted that the physical organs 
 of kings were the same with those of cobblers, and 
 that three legions, separately encamped, did not 
 make one body. The confessor advised us to go 
 to the new world, where, as there was neither loyalty 
 or religion, we should be in our element. But 
 in truth, the doctor was become tired of Paris, 
 and of the world of fashion, which had begun to 
 discover symptoms of ennui for some little time 
 past. Indeed, several of his greatest admirers 
 had lately absented themselves, to go and see an 
 25* 
 
294 
 
 automaton, who delivered lectures on the phy- 
 sical organization of man, to the astonishment of 
 all the fashionable lovers of science. Besides all 
 this, the determined valour of the viscount had 
 demolished the precious materials by which he 
 exemplified his theory, and he knew not where to 
 supply the loss without resorting to the forest of 
 Teutoburgium. While we were debating whither 
 to frame our course, and just as I had almost brought 
 the doctor to consent to accompanying me to the 
 city of my nativity, the good old man fell sick, or 
 rather the fabric of nature sunk under him, and the 
 lamp which had illuminated it, began to twinkle so 
 faintly in its socket that it was plain the oil wa> 
 quite spent. 
 
 He took to his bed, from whence he never rose 
 again. I was going to send for a physician. " No, ,: 
 said he with a languid smile — " I will die a Chris- 
 tian, but not a martyr. It is cruel to torture age 
 with unavailing remedies. Besides, I have not 
 money to pay a doctor, and it would mortify my 
 pride to be killed for nothing." 
 
 I have a satisfaction, even at this distance of time, 
 in the recollection that I attended him faithfully to 
 the last, supplied his wants and administered to his 
 infirmities, as if he had been my father. About four 
 o'clock one morning, a little before the dawning 
 of the day, and just at the period of time when 
 nature seems to be in her last and profoundest re- 
 
295 
 
 pose, preparatory to waking — the doctor, after lay- 
 ing perfectly still for upwards of an hour, suddenly 
 raised himself upon his elbow — and with an eye 
 clear and bright, surveyed the room all around with 
 a slow and measured turn of the head. For a mo- 
 ment his eye rested upon me — but he did not speak. 
 He then sunk easily upon his pillow — I put my face 
 close to his — he breathed into it once — and there 
 was a long pause. He is gone, said I — no, he breath- 
 ed again, and there was another still longer pause. 
 It is all over now, said I — but he respired yet once 
 again — and that was the last — I waited, but he 
 breathed no more. 
 
 They would not let me bury him in a church-yard, 
 because, as the confessor maintained, he was no 
 Christian, and therefore was not entitled to Christian 
 charity and forgiveness, after he was dead. But 
 I buried the old philosopher, where the grass grew 
 as green, the flowers bloomed as gay, and the birds 
 warbled as sweetly as if the spot had been blessed 
 by the confessor himself. Having done this, I turn- 
 ed my face towards the Athens of the north, which I 
 now felt myself thoroughly qualified to enrich with 
 an entire new science. 1 had succeeded, indeed, 
 beyond all expectation, and our society having had 
 from time to time, mysterious hints of my progress, 
 was expecting me with anxious impatience. 
 
 I accordingly gathered together the wrecks of 
 my old friend's lectures, which had escaped the 
 
296 
 
 researches of the ultra-viscount, and set out on my 
 return to my own couniry. 
 
 Without troubling you with the incidents of my 
 journey which are of no consequence, I arrived in 
 safety at the seat of the sciences. I had been ex- 
 pected with anxiety, and was received with rapture, 
 as one destined to revive the dormant excitement of 
 the fashionable devotees. I found there had been 
 a terrible falling off in my absence. Money had 
 actually got the upper hand of merit; feasts were 
 preferred to philosophy-; dances to dogmatizing; 
 gallants to gallypots ; and what was worst of all, 
 the most invincible blue stocking, without beauty, 
 was no match for a country simpleton, with blue 
 laughing eyes, rosy cheeks, and a partridge figure. 
 Such was the backsliding which had taken place, 
 that a fashionable baronet ventured to declare pub- 
 licly in favour of downright ignorance ; and an 
 old professor of anatomy, was detected in deserting 
 a discussion upon fossil remains, to go and look at a 
 pretty girl who was dancing a cotillion. In short, 
 the temple of science was tottering, and nothing 
 could save it but starting new game, and creating an 
 ■excitement by some absolute originality. 
 
 My accomplices wanted to know very much what 
 I had brought home with me to tickie the lovers 
 of science ; but I was determined neither they or 
 the public should learn any thing on the subject, un- 
 til I disclosed it in a public lecture. I was deter- 
 
297 
 
 mined to take the northern Athens by surprise. 
 Accordingly, it was announced that I would deliver 
 a lecture on phrenology on a particular evening. 
 Phrenology! it sounded indeed like something new. 
 The blues ran to their technological dictionary, but 
 for once they were baffled — the word had not yet 
 got there. It was an entire new coinage. The 
 great difficulty was in procuring the necessary cere- 
 bral developments for the purposes of illustration 
 without subjecting myself to the penalty of the laws. 
 Finding nothing better could be done, I one night 
 went out of the city upon the common, and picked 
 up a number of skulls of animals, principally dogs, 
 to serve me on this one occasion. There was one 
 which had doubtless belonged to a large bull dog. 
 that I was resolved should stand for the identical 
 skull of Varus, which the wrathful viscount had so 
 inhumanly demolished at Paris. Every exertion 
 was made by the society and its friends to get to- 
 gether a fashionable auditory, and accordingly the 
 capacious lecture-room of the northern Athens was 
 crowded with bonnets and feathers most magnifi- 
 cently. There was a brilliant audience, as was 
 erst said of play-houses, and is now said of churches 
 and lecture-rooms. 
 
 I confess I felt somewhat skittish, in this first at- 
 tempt to try on an entire new science. However, I 
 put a good face on the matter, and lectured away, 
 regardless of eonsequencest 1 must do them the 
 
298 
 
 justice to say they took it with great good hu« 
 mour. When I talked of the organ of amativ .less, 
 the young folks tittered, and began to feel for it at 
 the back of each other's heads — I was assured that 
 many secret attachments were brought to light by 
 this scrutiny, three of which resulted in elopements 
 the next day. But when I brought forth the skull of 
 the bull dog, which I announced as that of Quintilius 
 Varus, the effect was sublime. There was a gene- 
 ral scream from the ladies, and two or three heroes 
 of the Peninsula, in full uniform, were observed to 
 look hard at the door. However, they stood their 
 ground manfully, and by putting a bold face on the 
 matter, reassured the more timid of the auditory. 
 Upon the whole, I got through with flying colours, 
 and the debut of the new science was pronounced 
 eminently successful. By the next lecture, 1 pro- 
 cured a real apparatus of cerebral developments, 
 which I had mapped out to the best of my recollec- 
 tion, according to the theory of Dr. Gallgotha. 
 
 After this successful debut, I continued my course, 
 and made proselytes at every lecture, until at length 
 they became sufficiently numerous to form a society, 
 which was accordingly established under the name 
 of the Phrenological Institute. So alarming indeed 
 was my progress, that the old sciences which had once 
 been belles, and still retained a strong disposition 
 to coquette it a little with their veteran beaux, began 
 to wax jealous. Finding themselves, like the an- 
 
299 
 
 cient Britons, likely to be subjected by the very 
 power they had called over in their own defence, 
 they raised the standard against me and my phre- 
 nological brethren. 
 
 They pronounced my science no science at all ; 
 affirming that unlike all others it was subject to no 
 rules, or at least, to none but imaginary ones, that 
 were neither susceptible of demonstration, nor 
 maintainable on the ground of experiment or rea- 
 soning. The physiognomists especia ' ly , led the van 
 against me, as being their most formidable opponent; 
 and as a wag of our society observed, we were of 
 necessity in a minority, because all persons without 
 brains would, of course, take sides against a science 
 founded on the supposed existence of what nature 
 had denied them. We continued to make head 
 against this formidable array, and to maintain our 
 ascendancy until, in an evil hour, some workmen in 
 digging among the foundations of a ruined abbey, 
 discovered the skull of king Robert Bruce, which 
 falling into the hands of our enemies, was forth- 
 with arrayed against Varus and his legions. It 
 was immediately put to the phrenological test, and 
 found wanting in many of the cerebral develop- 
 ments characteristic of the known qualities of that 
 renowned deliverer of Scotland, and destroyer of 
 phrenology. As ill luck, or destiny, would have it, 
 the development of his organs was phrenologically 
 at war with the whole history of his life ; and there 
 
300 
 
 was no getting over this desperate anomaly except 
 by either denying its identity, denying its history, or 
 lastly, explaining the incidents away in such a man- 
 ner as to reconcile them to our theory. " If the 
 mountain wont come to Mahomet," said the wag 
 of a member, " Mahomet must go to the mountain — 
 if the head of king Robert wont accommodate itselt 
 to our science, we must make his history do it, 
 which will be just as well." Accordingly he set 
 about the task, and at our next meeting produced a 
 dissertation, in which he proved pretty clearly that 
 king Robert was altogether a different person from 
 what all the world had believed him to be for cen- 
 turies ; and that so far from his cerebral develop- 
 ment contradicting the principles of the sublime 
 science, it demonstrated their truth beyond ques- 
 tion. 
 
 This dissertation was immediately made public, 
 tut although every member of our society believed 
 it would effectually silence all our opponents, such 
 is the obstinacy of long received opinions, and such 
 the inveteracy of jealous rivalry, that it had little 
 influence on the world, and the skull of king Robert 
 proved in the end the battle of Bannockburn to our 
 society. Daily desertions took place from the 
 benches of my lecture-room ; the young lovers 
 began again to look into each other's eyes and study 
 the changeable velvet of the cheeks, for indications 
 of the universal passion ; and at length it came to 
 
301 
 
 pass that none but the canine race thought of going 
 to the rear to study characters. What the head of 
 king Robert had begun, another head was destined 
 to finish. 
 
 A gentleman just arrived from abroad, brought 
 with him, and presented to our society, a cast which 
 he assured me was an exact representation of the 
 skull of Servin, immortalized in Sully's Memoirs, 
 as a monster compounded of the sublimest genius 
 and the most grovelling detestable vices. On ex- 
 amination, I discovered to my infinite delight that 
 the cerebral development exhibited the character 
 and propensities of Serviu, with a degree of precision 
 that, if known, would silence all cavilling, and go far 
 to establish my system beyond question. I deter- 
 mined at once to bring it into the field in opposition 
 to the head of king Robert, and let them fight it out 
 before the public. Accordingly I announced the 
 receipt of my treasure, and invited all sceptics to 
 come and receive a demonstration of the sublime- 
 truths of phrenology. I had not seen such an audi- 
 ence for many a day, although the evening was 
 stormy, and commenced my lecture on Servin's 
 head, in high spirits. I pointed out the develop- 
 ment so exactly corresponding with the character — 
 here the organ of ideality, announcing the extent of 
 his genius — and there the organ of cunning and 
 cruelty, announcing the extent of his crimes and 
 duplicity. Here the organ of tune, demonstrating 
 26 
 
302 
 
 his taste for music ; there the organ of languages, 
 exemplifying his unequalled capacity for their ac- 
 quirement. Here philoprogenitiveness — there de- 
 structiveness — heresecretiveness — there concentra- 
 tiveness. Jn short, I proved that the head could have 
 belonged to none but a person of great intellectual 
 capacity, contrasted with equal depravity. In the 
 triumph of my heart, I held it up to the audience as 
 the hero of phrenology, the invincible rival and con- 
 querer of king Robert. 1 shook it in the faces of 
 the unbelievers, and handled it at length with so 
 little discretion, that it fell from my grasp upon the 
 floor, and the plaster flew about in all directions. I 
 hastened to lift it up again, and presenting it to the 
 light, was struck with horror and dismay. The 
 scaling of (he plaster had exposed to view the rude 
 outlines of one of those wooden heads which some-, 
 times ornament (he coasting vessels of my; native 
 country. 1 had not the presence of mind to put 
 it out of sight, but stood in stupifying embarrassment 
 without uttering a word, when I was at length rous- 
 ed by a hoarse voice crying out — wt D n my eyes, 
 
 Tom, is'nt that the head of the Lovely Nancy, that 
 some rascally land lubber stole from her bows the 
 other night ?" Tom immediately confirmed this 
 with a round sailor's oath, adding — " 'Tis a lucky 
 godsend that we came in here for a harbour from 
 the storm to-night, to unkennel this thief of the 
 world, with his outlandish gibberish about serving 
 
303 
 
 heads — \f this is the way he serves them, he'll get 
 served with a baker's dozen at the gangway before 
 long." So saying, the two gallant tars advanced to 
 the table and seizing the head of the Lovely Nancy 
 bore it off in triumph, amid shouts of laughter on 
 all sides. 
 
 There was no lecturing in the northern Athens 
 after this untoward accident, which shook the faith 
 even of the true believers. All my disciples left 
 me with the exception of a worthy advocate, who 
 was saved from utter condemnation as an insupera- 
 ble blockhead, only by the uncommon development 
 of the organ of ideality, which sufficiently de- 
 monstrated the extent of his genius. It was neck 
 or nothing with him — he must either be an ass or a 
 phrenologist. The others were all laughed away 
 from me. 
 
 There, was now but one way left me to establish 
 the truths of the subhme science, and that was to de- 
 monstrate them by actual practice — to make them 
 the guides of my conduct in life, and to disregard 
 entirely the flickering lights of experience, as well 
 as those vague, uncertain, and delusive indications 
 of character which are supposed to exhibit them- 
 selves in the conduct and disposition of mankind. 
 I determined either to show the world the superior- 
 ity of the unerring test of the cerebral develop- 
 ments, overall other touchstones of human passions, 
 or perish in the attempt. Men have in all ages and 
 
304 
 
 nations sacrificed themselves to the establishment 
 of great truths — nay, man) have voluntarily become 
 victims to the most absurd, vain and mischievous 
 theories. Superstition has had, if possible, more 
 enthusiastic and willing martyrs than true religion ; 
 and thousands have shed their blood for the support 
 of falsehood, who would have shrunk from doing it 
 in defence of truth. I will therefore, said I, not 
 flinch from the duty before me. I will become the 
 high priest, or the martyr of my science ; and if I 
 cannot prove its sublime truths, will at least offer a 
 demonstration that I believe in them myself. 
 
 For this purpose it was necessary to leave for 
 awhile the path of philosophy and abstraction, for 
 the busy occupations and pursuits of practical life. 
 It is these and these only, that in the eyes of the 
 vulgar and near-sighted of mankind, furnish the 
 test of truth. They judge of a science, or a the- 
 ory, not by the unerring standard of its abstract 
 beauty, ingenuity or grandeur, but by its pitiful 
 practical operation, within the sphere of their own 
 actual experience. The great and radical dhTer- 
 ence between the ignorant and the wise is, that the 
 former persist in obstinately believing what they 
 see, without being able to explain its causes ; while 
 the latter consider the evidence of the five senses 
 as only fit for a court of justice, and believe in no- 
 thing but what they can account for. They justly 
 consider, that as man is emphatically a reasoning 
 
305 
 
 being, he ought not to give credit to any fact, how- 
 ever obvious it may be to his senses, unless it is sup- 
 ported by at least one good substantial reason on 
 either side, like a bladder under each arm of a swim- 
 mer. The vulgar, for example, believe that beef 
 killed in the decrease of the moon, will always 
 shrink in the boiling, because they see it every day, 
 although they can't account for the phenomenon ; 
 while the wise go upon surer grounds — they first 
 decide whether a thing is theoretically possible and 
 then assert that it exists. The vulgar are like the 
 blind man, who denied the existence of light, be- 
 cause he could not feel it with his ringers, nor snuff 
 it up with his nose, nor taste it with his tongue, nor 
 hear it with his ears ; while the wise may be liken- 
 ed to the ancient philosopher who wo dd not believe 
 his eyes when he saw his house set tire to by light- 
 ning, because he could not account for the pheno- 
 menon. In fine, the ignorant are the dupes of the l 
 five senses; while the wise are governed by the 
 imagination alone — that sublime and almost omni- 
 potent faculty which creates worlds out of nothing, 
 and makes laws for those that never had an exist- 
 ence. But to return from this digression. 
 
 The practical business of this life, it will be 
 found, consists principally in three things — get- 
 ting married — getting a family — and getting rich. 
 There are other miscellaneous occupations — such 
 as driving tandem — running in debt — bilking Jand- 
 26* 
 
306 
 
 fords and tailors — and walking up and down the 
 streets — but these are not so general as to form any 
 of the grand divisions of human pursuits. In the 
 furtherance of my great object of demonstrating 
 the sublime truths of phrenology by the vulgar mode 
 of practical application, I resolved to kill two birds 
 with one stone by entering into business, and look- 
 ing out for a wife at the same time. Not knowing 
 much of the ordinary transactions of the mercantile 
 world, I found it necessary in the first place to 
 choose a partner, with whom I could entrust my 
 capital, and in whose skill I might rely in the trans- 
 action of our business. Some people would have 
 gone about, inquiring whether this man or that 
 man was a prudent, honest, sensible and experienced 
 person ; and whether he had been long enough 
 known in the community to have established, as the 
 vulgar phrase is, a good character. But I was de- 
 termined to go a short way to work. 1 advertised 
 for a partner with a head as like Sir Thomas Gre- 
 sham as possible, having the zygomatic process very 
 projecting, the organ of order strongly developed, 
 and the sentiments of cautiousness, conscientious- 
 ness, veneration, benevolence and firmness all beau- 
 tifully exhibited on the cerebellum. Without all 
 these, I was fully convinced no man could be a great 
 merchant or build a royal exchange. 
 
 In the course of a few days several offered them- 
 selves to inspection, whose characters were excel- 
 
307 
 
 lent, but whose cerebral developments convinced 
 me they either had been, or would be, in the course 
 of their lives, consummate rogues. It is astonishing 
 indeed to see how the world is frequently, not to 
 say continually, imposed upon by people who actu- 
 ally go down to their graves, with the reputation of 
 virtue, although fate and phrenology both ordained 
 it should be otherwise. I can only account for it 
 on the ground of deception, or want of opportunity. 
 Being resolved not to be imposed upon by the spe- 
 cious seductions of a good character, I dismissed 
 these applicants one after the other as civilly as 
 possible. At length a person presented himself, 
 who underwent the phrenological test greatly to 
 my satisfaction. He had the finest development 
 for a merchant I ever saw. The organ of acqui- 
 sitiveness was on a great scale. 
 
 " Where is that ?" asked Mr. Quominus. 
 
 " At the anterior inferior angle of the parietal 
 
 bone." 
 
 " Hum," quoth Mr. Quominus — " and what 
 does the said organ indicate ?" 
 
 Sometimes it indicates the tendency to acquire 
 and the desire to possess in general. It is the organ 
 in which the idea of property first originated. Some- 
 times it leads to the collection of coins, minerals, 
 paintings and other curiosities of science — some- 
 times to the collection of bugs, butterflies and bee- 
 tles. In men of sense it gives rise to the dispo- 
 
308 
 
 -iition to acquire useful things ; in fools and idiots, 
 to collect those that are worth nothing. In some it 
 is the love of science ; in others the love of money. 
 A man with the organ of conscientiousness pressing 
 upon that of acquisitiveness, will, if he has a hun- 
 dred acres of land, fee! vast delight in acquiring one 
 hundred more, but he will not resort to any impro- 
 per means to attain them ; while another man who 
 hath the organ of acquisitiveness, combined with that 
 of secretiveness, will become a thief in spite of him- 
 self. He cannot help it if he would. Among the 
 inferior animals, beavers, bees and ants, are observ- 
 ed to have the organ of acquisitiveness in great per- 
 fection. Indeed, it is conspicuous in all hoarding 
 animals. 
 
 " What a wonderful science !" exclaimed the 
 other two Wise Men of Gotham. 
 
 To proceed with my story, said Le Peigne, such 
 was the apt, admirable and harmonious association 
 of organs in the cerebellum of this person, that I per- 
 ceived it was quite unnecessary to make any inqui- 
 ries into his character, qualifications and pursuits. 
 I saw at once that he was destined to be another 
 Cosmo de Medicis, and forthwith entered into arti- 
 cles of trade with him on the spot. 
 
 My next business was to get an experienced 
 clerk, which I soon did, by applying the touchstone 
 of the infallible science. 1 found a man whose or* 
 gan of number was beautifully developed, and most 
 harmoniously associated with that of individuality. 
 
309 
 
 " Where are they situated?" asked Mr. Quomi- 
 uus. 
 
 The organ of number, is designated by the arch 
 of the eyebrow being either much pressed down- 
 wards, or very much elevated. 
 
 " Then," observed the Man Machine, " it seems 
 that two appearances exactly opposite to each other, 
 denote the same thing in the science of phrenzy — 
 I mean phrenology ?" 
 
 No such thing, replied the other — it only proves 
 that two appearances entirely dissimilar may yet 
 be as like as two peas. The development of 
 this organ to any extraordinary extent, renders 
 it impossible for tbc owner not to be a most expert 
 hand at figures and calculations ; and when associa- 
 ted with the organ of individuality — 
 
 " Where is that ?" interrupted Mr. Quominus. 
 
 In the middle of the lower part of the forehead. 
 
 " And what does it indicate ?" 
 
 It is the organ of the memory and the sense of 
 things — and it is always most strongly developed 
 in children. It is also the organ which indicates a 
 proneness to adopt new theories — to embrace the 
 opinions of others, and a vast facility in accommo- 
 dating ourselves to customs, manners and circum- 
 stances. Persons with this organ strongly develop- 
 ed, have moreover a desire, accompanied by the 
 ability, to know facts and things in general — it 
 
310 
 
 prompts to observation and investigation — it greatly 
 aids in producing a talent for all practical business 
 involving details, and hence, to the medical prac- 
 titioner, the lawyer and the merchant it is invalua- 
 ble — it communicates power to the orator — art to 
 the novelist — it tends to allegory and personifica- 
 tion — it inspired Spenser and John Bunyan — and 
 above all, it delights in the analysis of specific 
 existences. 
 
 " What an invaluable organ !" exclaimed Mr. 
 Quominus — "it indicates but every thing, and I 
 should think ought to have been christened the 
 organ of universality, rather than of individuality." 
 
 You are mistaken, quoth the other it is not so 
 universal as you may imagine. A person having it 
 strongly developed, retains only general ideas — 
 he is not able to command his knowledge without 
 previous preparation, and therefore can hardly ever 
 become learned, or a great extemporaneous orator. 
 This has been proved by an examination of the 
 skulls of almost every species of animals from the 
 frog to the elephant. 
 
 " But what has the head of a bull-frog to do with 
 that of a man ?" asked the Man Machine. 
 
 Just as much as the tail of a dog, said Le Peigne, 
 rather contemptuously. 
 
 " I believe it," said the other dryly. " But re- 
 ally, with submission, sir, it appears to me that in 
 your science not only different and opposite deve- 
 
311 
 
 lopments signify the same thing, but what is still 
 more remarkable, the same development of an organ 
 signifies things altogether different — you first tell us 
 that the organ of individuality is the source of ora- 
 tory, and then that it prevents a man from speaking 
 extemporaneously, a quality very essential in ora- 
 tory, I should think. You tell us it is indispensable 
 to certain sciences which children cannot compre- 
 hend, and certain pursuits, such as law, physic and 
 merchandise, which children cannot engage in, and 
 yet you say it is most strongly developed in chil- 
 dren. It seems to me this savours as it were of 
 contradiction — two assertions so contradictory can- 
 not, I should think, be both true." 
 
 Sir, replied Le Peigne — you had better stick 
 to the perfectibility of man and the counteract- 
 ing principles. D ) you not know of the modern 
 discovery, that what is morally impossible, may yet 
 be scientifically true ? No science is now consider- 
 ed perfect, except it can not only reconcile contra- 
 dictions, but impossibilities. My dear sir, I never 
 doubted the perfectibility of your Men Machines ; 
 pray allow me the perfection of science. 
 
 " With all my heart," said the other. " Be pleas- 
 ed to proceed, brother Le Peigne. Did you engage 
 the Man Machine with the supernatural develop- 
 ment, that signified so many opposite yet reconcile- 
 able things ?" 
 
 You shall hear, returned Le Peigne, whose good 
 
312 
 
 nature soon smoothed down any little irritation. I 
 had now got a partner and a clerk, on whom 1 could 
 confidently rely, for the successful conduct of our 
 affairs, and the speedy acquisition of fortune. No- 
 thing was now wanting but a wife, selected and cho- 
 sen with a proper regard to the infallible auguries 
 of the cerebral development. As this was the 
 most important matter of all, I resolved to be very 
 particular, and to apply the rules of my art with 
 more than ordinary circumspection. In the first 
 place, it was indispensable that she should have a 
 perfect development of the organ of amativeness — 
 
 " Excuse me for interrupting you," said Mr. 
 Quominus — " where is that same organ and what 
 does it signify ?" 
 
 It is situated, sir, between the mastoid process on 
 each side of the projecting point, in the middle of the 
 transverse ridge of the occipetal bone. 
 
 " Anv man but an anatomist might as well look 
 for the northwest passage as for these incognito 
 organs," said Quominus — " But the indications ?" 
 
 The organ of amativeness is placed first in the 
 sublime science, because it indicates the propensity 
 to falling in love — the desire of propagating our 
 species without which there would be neither dog's 
 tails, nor men's heads, and of course no science of 
 phrenology. It is in fact the foundation of all the 
 sciences. Besides this, it is the organ of a variety 
 of other propensities. Monsieur Flourens, who 
 
313 
 
 amused himseh* occasionally with trepanning bull- 
 frogs, discovered that it was the organ for regulating 
 muscular motion. "On removing the cerebellum 
 over this part," says he, " the animal loses the 
 power of executing combined movements," — he 
 can move one leg, but not both at the same time. 
 It is also the organ of retrograde motions. Doctor 
 ■Magendie, who is famous for illustrating the nature 
 of man by the peculiarities of frogs, in performing 
 some experiments upon these animals, discovered 
 that disturbing this organ ''occasioned an irresisti- 
 ble propensity in the animal to run, jump or swim 
 backwards." Other scientific inquirers have found 
 that when one part was cut the animal rolled — when 
 another, it went forward in extenso — when another, 
 it bent double. 
 
 "O! I see," interrupted the Man Machine. 
 "This organ is a sort of jack of all trades — it can 
 turn its hand to almost any thing. I don't wonder 
 you think it so indispensable in a wife, who should 
 always be particularly expert at jumping and swim- 
 ming backwards." 
 
 The next indispensable requisite in a wife, con- 
 tinued Le Peigne, not heeding this interruption, 
 is the organ of philoprogenitiveness. 
 
 " What is that?" said Mr. Quominus. 
 
 The organ which indicates an instinctive lore of 
 offspring. 
 
 " I should suppose that to be universal.'* 
 27 
 
314 
 
 By no means. Peg Macquarrie, who murdered 
 her child, was entirely without it — and so was the 
 skull of Varus, who I have no doubt, as Tacitus 
 don't mention his wife or children, was a confirmed 
 bachelor. Many animals of good reputation drive 
 their offspring from them when young ; and the 
 birds turn their little ones neck and heels out of the 
 nest as soon as they are fledged. All these, it is 
 very remarkable, are destitute of the organ of phi- 
 loprogenitiveness. It is situated immediately above 
 the middle part of the cerebellum, and corresponds 
 to the protuberance of the occiput. It is large in 
 the Hindoo, Negro and Caiib women. 
 
 " Do they love their children better than other 
 women ?" asked the Man Machine. 
 
 If they don't, they ought to do it ; they are scien- 
 tifically under the necessity of being what nature 
 plainly intended they should be. The next cere- 
 bral development indispensable in the organization 
 of a good wife, is that of concentrativeness. 
 
 " Where is that, and what doth it signify ?" inter- 
 rupted Mr. Quominus — i; I beg pardon, but as I 
 may one day marry myself it ma) stand me in stead 
 to know something of these matters." 
 
 It is just above philoprogenitiveness and just be- 
 low self-esteem. It indicates sedentary habits and 
 love of home — as is proved by the organ being 
 enormously expanded in a toad that was found im- 
 bedded in a solid block of marble, where he must 
 
315 
 
 have remained for centuries. It is likewise verv 
 strongly developed in snails, who seldom go from 
 home, as you know. 
 
 " I suppose then it must be something like a horn, 
 such as the snails have," said the Man Machine. 
 
 Le Peigne gave him a queer side look and pro- 
 ceeded. 
 
 Doctor Gallgotha observed, in addition to this 
 love of retirement and indisposition to motion, 
 that the development of this organ was very per- 
 ceptible in the chamois and other animals fond of 
 climbing heights and browsing upon precipices. 
 
 " An excellent quality in a wife," quoth Quo- 
 minus. 
 
 " And a most exquisite organ," said the Man Ma- 
 chine — " it plays so many different tunes. Who 
 would have thought that the same thing could 
 signify the propensity of a toad, a snail, and a wife 
 for staying at home, and the propensity of a goat to 
 climb perpendicular rocks and browse upon the 
 edge of precipices ?" 
 
 The next organ essential to the perfection of 
 woman, or, as the learned say, the sine qua non of 
 a good wife, is — 
 
 k ' What ?" said the Man Machine, rubbing his 
 hands eagerly. 
 
 The organ of adhesiveness, which is just above 
 the lambdoidal suture. It is designated by No. 
 i, on the phrenological map of the skull. 
 
 " Have you got the map with you ? I should like 
 
316 
 
 to take a look at it," said the other, again interrupt- 
 ing him. 
 
 I will show it you, when I have finished m> 
 story, said the doctor, and went on. I cannot 
 better define the indications of this organ than in 
 the words of one of Dr. Gallgotha's lectures. 
 
 " The faculty of adhesiveness, 1 ' says the doctor, 
 '' produces the instinctive tendency to attach one's 
 self to surrounding objects, animate and inanimate. 
 Those persons in whom it is very strong, feel an 
 involuntary impulse to embrace and cling to the 
 object of their affections. In boys it frequently 
 indicates itself by attachment to dogs, horses, rab- 
 bits, squirrels, birds, and other animals. In girls it 
 shows itself in affectionate embraces of — 
 
 "Of what?" interrupted the Man Machine ea- 
 gerly. 
 
 Of dolls, replied the other. It is stronger, and the 
 organ is larger in women than in men. When too 
 strong it produces the disease called nostalgia — 
 . " What's that ?" asked Mr. Quominus. 
 
 When feeble, Dr. Gallgotha says, it turns men 
 into hermits, and women into nuns. The organ is 
 large in Mary Maginnes.* 
 
 * It may be as well to apprise the reader ia general, that near- 
 ly the whole of these phrenological data has been borrowed from 
 .Mr. Le Peigne, by the author of a work lately published, called 
 F.lemenls of Phrenologv. — Ep. 
 
317 
 
 The last cerebral development I was resolved to 
 insist upon in the phrenology of my wife, was the 
 organ of order, 
 
 " Where is that to be found?" asked Mr. Quo- 
 minus. 
 
 It lies contiguous to the angle of the frontal bone, 
 and indicates a love of regularity, and habit of keep- 
 ing every thing in its proper place. Doctor Gall- 
 gotha established this indication from seeing a Dutch 
 woman, who had a large development of this organ, 
 actually faint away at finding a chair out of its place. 
 It is also prominent in the Termcs Bellicosus, the 
 honey bee, and all animals and insects that live in 
 communities. No animai, however, exhibits it in 
 such perfection as the beaver. 
 
 " And did you get such a wonder for a wife ?" 
 asked the Man Machine. 
 
 You shall hear, returned the other. It was along 
 time, and not until 1 began almost to despair of 
 meeting a woman phrenologicaiiy perfect, that I 
 succeeded to my wishes. At length, in passing 
 through a country where 1 was a stranger, I en- 
 countered one that answered exactly to all these 
 indications. I inspected her cerebral develop- 
 ment and found all the indications quite perfect. 
 This was all I wanted — I made no further inquiries, 
 being determined to put dowu the enemies of the 
 sublime science by actual demonstration. 
 27* 
 
518 
 
 -i Had she the sine qua non, as you call it ?" quoth 
 the Man Machine. 
 
 Beautifully developed, said the other. I made 
 short work of it. We were married out of hand, 
 and after being acquainted just long enough for me 
 to examine the cerebral development. I brought 
 her to town in triumph, as a being destined to 
 insure the triumph of the sublime science. I took 
 a fine house, and lectured to all the company I 
 could persuade to visit us, upon her irrefragable 
 cerebellum. So immersed was 1 for some time in 
 this extatic scrutiny, that I forgot my business, my 
 partner, and my clerk, until a friend came to me 
 one day, and with a face of concern, hinted that 
 our business was going on at a sad rate. " Your 
 partner," said he, "is either a rogue or an ignora- 
 mus — and your clerk spends his time at taverns and 
 brothels. Every thing is at sixes and sevens — you 
 will be ruined to a certainty, if you are not so al- 
 ready. " "What! in spite of the cerebral develop- 
 ment." " In spite of fate," replied my friend. 
 " Pshaw !" replied I — " fate is a mere flea-bite com- 
 pared to phrenology." He left me shaking his head 
 with an air of great concern. 
 
 I confess, notwithstanding my reliance upon the 
 cerebral development, I was a little uneasy at these 
 warnings of my friend. My wife too did frequent 
 violence to the organs of order and adhesiveness — 
 for she left my house at sixes and sevens, and seem- 
 ed to adhere to nothing but her own will. We 
 
• 319 
 
 never had any children, so that I can't say how it 
 was with the organ of phiioprogenitiveness — and as 
 *o that of amativeness, the truth of its augury was 
 demonstrated — only there was a little mistake — 
 she embraced her lap-dog ten times oftener thai. 
 me. I shall pass over the remainder of my story 
 with all brevity, as it is not very pleasant to my 
 recollection, nor very material to my purpose o( 
 establishing the practical truths of the infallible 
 science. My partner dissolved the firm about two 
 years after my marriage, by running away, and 
 leaving me answerable for debts which consumed 
 all I had in the world. He took with him every 
 thing he could lay his hands on ; even my invalua- 
 ble clerk with the beautiful development, accompa- 
 nied the second Cosmo De Medicis, and I never 
 saw either of them again. 
 
 My house and furniture, together with all my 
 phrenological specimens, not excepting my wife, 
 soon departed from me, either by course of law or 
 course of nature. Though entirely destitute of the 
 organ of combativeness, she held John Doe and 
 Richard Roe at bay three whole days, and defended 
 the fortress like another Jane de Montfort. At 
 length, however, they came to terms. She stipula- 
 ted for permission to march out with bag and bag- 
 gage, and I took it for granted that, like the women 
 of Abensburg, she would leave all her finery and 
 carry me off on her back triumphantly. But I was 
 sadly disappointed, when, after packing up her 
 
i320 
 
 clothes, trinkets and other things exclusively apper- 
 taining to herself, she came up to me, and making a 
 low courtesy, bade me good bye. 
 
 "Where are you going, my Hear?" said I — "what 
 will you do alone in the world, without your faith- 
 ful husband. You had better stay and accom- 
 pany me to prison." 
 
 " No, thank you, my dear, as much as if I did," 
 replied she, making another low courtesy — " 1 am 
 too prudent a woman to trust myself alone in the 
 world, and am not very fond of retirement. One of 
 my husbands is waiting outside with a hackney 
 coach to take me home with him." 
 
 " One of your husbands !" cried I — " Why, how 
 many have you ?" 
 
 "A baker's dozen," replied she, gliding gracefully 
 out of the room. 
 
 " A baker's dozen !" cried the Man Machine — 
 " this comes of the organ of amativencss and the 
 sine qua non." 
 
 "Well," said Mr. Quominus gravely — "1 sup- 
 pose this put an end to all doubts as to the infallible 
 auguries of the cerebral development?" 
 
 " It did," replied tue other — " it established their 
 truth in my mind beyond all contradiction or ques- 
 tion." 
 
 " You don't say so," quoth the other. 
 
 But I do say so, cried Le Peigne, waxing rather 
 warm — I affirm that the failure of my experiment is 
 
321 
 
 
 the best possible proof of the sublimity of the sci- 
 ence." 
 
 « Of its sublimity— not of its truth," .observed 
 
 Quominus. 
 
 " Of its truth, sir. Every failure in demonstra- 
 ting the truth adds to the certainty of its existence, 
 and leads most directly to a discovery. You might 
 as well say that there was no new world before 
 Columbus discovered it. as that nothing is true 
 until it is proved to be so. The science of phre- 
 nology may be compared to an undiscovered coun- 
 try—a — " 
 
 " A terra incognita," said the Man Machine. 
 
 " An island of Atalantis," said Quominus. 
 
 "An Utopia," cried the other. 
 
 " A survey of a canal across the Alleghanies," 
 cried Quominus. 
 
 " A rail-way over the Atlantic," roared the Man 
 
 Machine. 
 
 " A mountain in the moon," vociferated Quo- 
 
 minus. 
 
 "But really," said the Man Machine, after a short 
 pause—" were you really— excuse me— were you 
 really such a goose as to believe in the cerebral 
 developments after they had treated you so scur- 
 vily ? What could possess you ?" 
 
 " The same spirit that possessed you to believe 
 in the perfectibility of man, and your friend in the 
 perfection of reason," 
 
322 
 
 ''And you don't believe in the perfectibility ui 
 man," roared the Man Machine. 
 
 " Nor in the perfection of reason," exclaimed 
 Mr. Quominus, half laughing, as if he did not believe 
 in it himself, though he did not like other people 
 to call it in question. 
 
 " No more than I believe the moon is made of 
 green cheese, and peopled with Welsh rabbits. But 
 I do not wonder at your putting these visionary fol- 
 lies and absurd theories in competition with my 
 demonstrative science, since I perceive quite plain- 
 ly, each of you is entirely destitute of the organ of 
 comparison." 
 
 " No organ of comparison !" exclaimed the Man 
 Machine. 
 
 " No organ of comparison !" cried Quominus. 
 
 " No, sir — nor of wit — nor order — nor time — 
 nor tune — nor causality — norconstructiveness — nor 
 colouring — nor number — nor ideality — which is 
 synonymous with genius. Your cerebral develop- 
 ments are horrid — your indications abominable— 
 your cerebellum-; no belter than pine barrens — and 
 the backs of your beads have no more meaning 
 than other people's faces." 
 
 " No genius!" cried the Man Machine. 
 
 " A pine barren !" exclaimed Quominus. 
 
 " He is terribly under the influence of the coun- 
 teracting principles." 
 
32S 
 
 " He is worse than Caveat Emptor, or Locus in 
 quo." 
 
 " I could make better skulls out of a potatoe,'" 
 said Le Peigne, furiously. 
 
 " Or the head of the Lovely Nancy," retorted 
 the Man Machine, who with Quominus burst into a 
 roar of laughter at this lucky hit. 
 
 I have seen people keep their temper when the 
 argument was against them, but I never knew even a 
 philosopher that could stand two to one against him 
 in a laugh. Le Peigne lifted up a stout ivory head- 
 ed cane with intent, as I believe, to let it fall on 
 the cerebral development of the Pupil of Circum- 
 stances ; but that expert Spinning Jenney warded 
 off the blow with his cocked hat, which was unfor- 
 tunately knocked overboard, ami the cane lighted 
 directly on the combative organ of the Perfection of 
 Reason. Each of the Wise Men now started up 
 for the purpose of defending his person, or his the- 
 ory ; and in the confusion the jolly Bowl, being left 
 without a cockswain, imperceptibly drifted into the 
 eddying circles of a great whirlpool, supposed to be 
 the Maelstrom of Norway. Here, after whirling 
 round and round for some time, it unluckily struck 
 against the head of the Man Machine, who was dodg- 
 ing to avoid a second application of the ivory head- 
 ed cane. The concussion of these two hard bodies 
 proved fatal to the Bowl, which parted exactly in 
 
324 
 
 two pieces, just as it floated to the centre of the 
 vortex, in which the whole party was suddenly 
 engulphed. The last vestige of them that was 
 seen, was the tip of the ivory headed cane, which 
 the doctor seemed still flourishing in vindication 
 of the infallible science. 
 
 What became of these renowned philosophers is 
 not precisely known. The most probable, and at 
 the same time, the most consoling opinion is, that 
 this tremendous vortex was one of the great avenues 
 to the newly discovered Concentric Spheres ; 
 and that, consequently, there is a possibility at least 
 that our illustrious trio may have tound in soitk 
 other world, what they vainly sought in this. 
 
 PBE END. 
 
Date Due