•\A, f 
 
 7) 1 1 
 
 u/ie 
 
 GENTLEMAN 
 
 FROM 
 
 EVERYWHERE 
 
 FOSS 
 
^kc 
 
 
 DUKE UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 The Glenn Negley Collection 
 of Utopian Literature 
 
THE 
 
 GENTLEMAN FROM 
 EVERYWHERE 
 
 BY 
 
 JAMES HENRY FOSS 
 
 ILLUSTRATED 
 
 SEVENTH EDITION 
 
 BOSTON, U.S. A. 
 PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR 
 
 925 Colonial Building 
 
 1904 
 
43*7 
 
 Copyright, 1902 
 By JAMES HENRY FOSS 
 
 All rights reserved 
 
 >""°% 
 
 Stanbop: press 
 
 F. H. GUSON COMPANY 
 BOSTON, U.S.A. 
 
R&R, 
 
 TO 
 
 MY BELOVED, ON EARTH AND IN HEAVEN, 
 
 THIS BOOK IS 
 
 /Ifcost ZlffectfonatelE Dedicated 
 
 IN THE EARNEST HOPE THAT 
 BY ITS PERUSAL 
 
 Many sailing o'er life's solemn main, 
 
 Forlorn and shipwrecked brothers, may take heart again. 
 
Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 in 2010 with funding from 
 Duke University Libraries 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/gentlemanfromeveOOfoss 
 
Contents 
 
 CHAPTER 
 
 PAGE 
 
 I. 
 
 Launching of My Life Boat . 
 
 7 
 
 II. 
 
 
 . 13 
 
 III. 
 
 Near to Nature's Heart . 
 
 . 23 
 
 IV. 
 
 Joya and Sorrows of School-Days . 
 
 . 31 
 
 V. 
 
 Career of a Dominie-Pedagogue 
 
 . 46 
 
 VI. 
 
 Dreams of My Youth 
 
 . 59 
 
 VII. 
 
 A Disenchanted Collegian-Preacher 
 
 . 70 
 
 VIII. 
 
 
 . 78 
 
 IX. 
 
 Sunlight and Darkness in Palace and Cottage, 93 
 
 X. 
 
 Adventures in Mosquito Land 
 
 . 109 
 
 XI. 
 
 
 . 119 
 
 XII. 
 
 From Philistine to Benedict and a Honeymoon, 126 
 
 XIII. 
 
 The Angels of Life and Death 
 
 . 138 
 
 XIV. 
 
 Tribulations of a Widower 
 
 . 143 
 
 XV. 
 
 
 . 147 
 
 XVI. 
 
 
 . 149 
 
 XVII. 
 
 That Eddyfying Christian Science 
 
 . 157 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 In the Land of Flowers . 
 
 . 163 
 
 XIX. 
 
 Sunbeam, The Seminole 
 
 . 175 
 
 XX. 
 
 A Founder of Towns and Clubs 
 
 . 190 
 
 XXI. 
 
 A Million Dollar Business with a 
 
 One Dollar 
 
 
 
 
 XXII. 
 
 Pendulum 'twixt Smiles and Tears 
 
 . 205 
 
 XXIII. 
 
 Monarch of all He Surveyed : Then Deposed, 210 
 
 XXIV. 
 
 Foregleams of Immortality 
 
 . 228 
 
 XXV. 
 
 A Practical Socialist and Colonizer 
 
 . 236 
 
 XXVI. 
 
 Hand in Hand with Angels . 
 
 . 242 
 
 XXVII. 
 
 Among the Law-Sharks . 
 
 . 247 
 
 XXVIII. 
 
 Campaigning in Wonderland . 
 
 . 252 
 
 XXIX. 
 
 
 
 XXX. 
 
 Disenchanted : Home Again 
 
 . 279 
 
 XXXI. 
 
 The Florida Crackers . 
 
 . 289 
 
 XXXII. 
 
 Looking Forward . 
 
 
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The Gentleman From Everywhere. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 LAUNCHING OF MY LIFE-BOAT. 
 
 Wild was the night, yet a wilder night 
 Hung around o'er the mother's pillow ; 
 
 In her bosom there waged a fiercer fight 
 Than the fight on the wrathful billow. 
 
 ALREADY there were more children than 
 potatoes in her hut of logs, and yet, 
 another unwelcome guest was coming, to whom 
 fate had ordained that it would have been money 
 in his pocket had he never been born. 
 
 A sympathizing neighbor held over the suffer- 
 ing woman an umbrella to shield her from the 
 rain which poured through the dilapidated roof, 
 and when the dreary light of that Sunday morn- 
 ing dawned, my frail bark was launched on the 
 stormy, sullen sea of life. 
 
 My father, a good man, but a ne'er-do-well 
 financially, had loaned his best clothes, watch 
 and pocketbook to a friend to enable him to call 
 
 7 
 
8 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 on his best girl in captivating style, and said 
 friend expressed his gratitude by eloping with the 
 girl and all the borrowed finery. 
 
 That same night the boom broke, and allowed 
 all the savings of our family invested in logs, cut 
 by my father and his lumbermen, to float down 
 the river and be lost in the sea. 
 
 Thus storm, flood, calamity and sorrow, far in 
 advance heralded the future of myself, the fourth 
 son of a fourth son who, on that Sunday, in the 
 dog-days of 1841, reluctantly came into this 
 world. 
 
 The howling of the wolves in the surrounding 
 wild-woods, the screaming of the catamounts in 
 the near-by tree-tops, the sterile dog-star drying 
 up the crops, the marching of my father to fight 
 in the threatened Aroostook war, all conspired 
 for months before this fateful night to awaken a 
 restlessness, discontent, and gloomy forebodings 
 in the lonely mother's heart which prenatal in- 
 fluences impressed upon the mind of the baby 
 yet unborn. 
 
 All through that wretched summer, scorching 
 drought alternating with cloud-bursts vied with 
 each other in blasting the hopes of the farmers, 
 and premature frost destroyed the few remain- 
 ing stalks of corn, so that when the winter snows 
 came, gaunt famine stared our family fiercely in 
 the face. 
 
LAUNCHING OF MY LIFE- BO AT. 9 
 
 My father and three brothers faced the with- 
 ering storms bravely, unpacking their internal 
 stores of sunshine, as the camel in the desert 
 draws refreshment from his inner tank when out- 
 ward water fails. 
 
 "We were isolated from human companionship, 
 except when occasionally the doctor came on the 
 tops of the fences and branches of the pine-trees 
 to soothe the pains of my sickly mother. At 
 this time the snow was so deep that a tunnel was 
 cut to the neighboring hovel where shivered our 
 ancient horse and cow. 
 
 My father and brothers tramped with snare 
 and gun on snow-shoes through the woods, secur- 
 ing occasionally a partridge or squirrel, and semi- 
 occasionally a deer, or pickerel from the lake. 
 On one of these occasions, two of my brothers 
 and the dog met with an adventure which nearly 
 gave them deliverance from all earthly sorrows. 
 As they faced the terrible cold of a January 
 morning, the wailing of the winds in the tree- 
 tops, and the few flying snowflakes foreboded a 
 storm which burst upon them in great fury while 
 about two miles from home. Bewildered and 
 benumbed, they dug a hole in the snow down to 
 the earth, and were soon buried many feet deep, 
 thus affording them some relief from the cold ; 
 but they nearly famished with hunger and gave 
 themselves up for lost. Suddenly, the dog, who 
 
10 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 was huddled with them for warmth, jumped 
 away whining and scratching in great excite- 
 ment. He refused to obey their orders to be 
 still and die in peace, but, digging for some 
 minutes, his claws struck a tree, then, rushing 
 over the boys and back again to the trees 
 repeatedly, he roused them from their lethargy 
 to follow him ; but nothing was visible but a hole 
 in a tree through which the dog jumped and 
 barked furiously. 
 
 Cutting the hole larger with their axe, they 
 found the interior to be dry punk, which at once 
 suggested the exhilarating thought of a fire, and 
 soon a delightful heat from the burning dry- 
 wood permeated their snow cave, the smoke being 
 more endurable than the previous cold. All at 
 once they heard a strange snorting and scratch- 
 ing above in the tree with whines which drove 
 the dog wild with excitement, then, with burn- 
 ing embers and suffocating smoke, down came a 
 huge animal, well-nigh breaking the necks of 
 frantic dog and " rubbering " boys. 
 
 After this came the tug of war. Teeth, axe, 
 gun, fire, dog, bear, and boys all mixed up in a 
 fight to the finish. Finally, as bruin was not 
 fully recovered from the comatose state of his 
 winter hibernating, after many scratches and 
 thumps, cuts and shots, came the survival of the 
 fittest. 
 
LAUNCHING OF MY LIFE-BOAT. 11. 
 
 Not even imperial Caesar, with the world at 
 his feet, could have been prouder than were boys 
 and dog when they looked at their prostrate foe, 
 and reflected that this conquest meant the physical 
 salvation of our entire family. Soon the chips 
 flew from the tree, and over a cheerful fire they 
 roasted and devoured bear steaks to repletion. 
 
 Digging to the surface, they found that the 
 storm had subsided, and rigging a temporary 
 sled from the boughs of the tree, they dragged 
 home this " meat in due season." 
 
 All through the hours of the following night 
 the wolves, attracted by the scent of blood, 
 howled and scratched frantically around the hut, 
 calling for their share in that " chain of destruc- 
 tion," by which the laws of the universe have 
 ordained that all creatures shall subsist. The 
 infant, of course, joined lustily in the chorus 
 until the boys almost wished themselves back in 
 their shroud of snow. 
 
 So, with alternate feasting and fasting we 
 passed the long weeks of that Arctic winter until 
 the frogs in the neighboring swamp crying : 
 " Knee deep, knee deep," and " better go round, 
 better go round," proclaimed the season of 
 freshets when the vast plain below us was 
 traversible only in boats. Then the birds re- 
 turned from the far South, but brought no seed- 
 time or harvest, for that was the ever to be 
 
12 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 remembered " Year without a summer," and but 
 for the wild ducks and geese shot on the lake, 
 and the wary and uncertain fish caught with the 
 hook, all human lives in that region would have 
 returned to the invisible from whence they came. 
 It seemed as if chaos and dark night had come 
 back to those wild woods. The migratory fever 
 seized upon us all, and my parents determined 
 to seek some unknown far away, to sail to the 
 beautiful land of somewhere, for they felt sure 
 that — 
 
 Somewhere the sun is shining, 
 
 Elsewhere the song-birds dwell; 
 And they hushed their sad repining 
 
 In the faith that somewhere all is well. 
 
 Somewhere the load is lifted 
 
 Close by an open gate; 
 Out there the clouds are rifted, 
 
 Somewhere the angels wait. 
 
CHAPTER II. 
 
 MY FIRST VOYAGE. 
 
 MY father and brothers constructed a " prairie 
 schooner " from our scanty belongings, 
 and one forlorn morning in early autumn, with 
 the skeleton horse and cow harnessed tandem 
 for motive power, we all set sail for far-off 
 Massachusetts. 
 
 We slept beneath our canopy of canvas and 
 blankets ; those of our number able to do so 
 worked occasionally for any who would hire, 
 but employers were few, as this was one of the 
 crazy seasons in the history of our Republic 
 when the people voted for semi-free trade, and 
 the mill wheels were nearly all silent for the 
 benefit of the mills of foreign nations. They 
 shot squirrels and partridges when ammunition 
 could be obtained, forded rivers, narrowly esca- 
 ping drowning in the swift currents, and suffered 
 from chills and fever. 
 
 One dark night some gypsies stole our ante- 
 diluvian horse and cow. The barking of the 
 faithful dog awakened father and brothers who 
 rushed to the rescue, leaving mother half dead 
 
 13 
 
14 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 with fear; but at length the marauders were 
 overtaken, shots were exchanged, heads were 
 broken, and after a fierce struggle and long wan- 
 dering, lost in the woods, our fiery steeds were 
 once more chained to our chariot wheels. 
 
 The next day we came to a wide river which 
 it was impossible to ford, but mercy, which some- 
 times "tempers the blast to the shorn lamb," 
 sent us relief in the shape of an antiquated gun- 
 dalow floating on the tide. Like Noah and 
 family of old, we managed to embark on this 
 ancient ark, and paddled to the further shore. 
 
 There we miraculously escaped the scalping 
 knife and tomahawk. While painfully making 
 our way through the primeval forest, we were 
 suddenly saluted by the ferocious war-whoop, 
 and a dozen Indians barred our way, flourishing 
 their primitive implements of warfare. A shot 
 from father's double-barreled gun sent them 
 flying to cover, our steeds rushed forward with a 
 speed hitherto unknown, the prairie schooner 
 rocked like a boat in a cyclone, the mother 
 shrieked, the enfant terrible howled like a bull of 
 Bashan, and just as the " Eed devils " were clo- 
 sing in from the rear, the mouth of a cave loomed 
 up in the hillside into which dashed "pegasus 
 and mooly cow " pell-mell. 
 
 Our red admirers halted almost at the muzzle 
 of the gun and the blades of my brothers' axes. 
 
MY FIEST VOYAGE. 15 
 
 Luckily the Indians had neither firearms nor 
 bows and arrows. They made rushes occasion- 
 ally, but the shotgun wounded several, the axes 
 intimidated, and they seemed about to settle 
 down to a siege when, with a tremendous shout- 
 ing and singing of " Tippecanoe and Tyler too," 
 a band of picturesquely arrayed white men came 
 marching along the trail. The enemy took to 
 their heels, and we learned that our rescuers 
 had been to a William Henry Harrison parade 
 and barbecue, for this was the time of the famous 
 " hard cider " campaign. 
 
 The Indians had been there too and, filling up 
 with "fire water," their former war-path pro- 
 clivities had returned to their " empty, swept, 
 and garnished " minds, to the extent that they 
 yearned to decorate their belts with our scalps. 
 
 Our preservers scattered to their homes, and 
 the would-be scalpers were seen no more, leaving 
 the world to darkness and to us in the woods. 
 The woods, where Adam and Eve lived and 
 loved, where Pan piped, and Satyrs danced, the 
 opera house of birds ; the woods, green, impara- 
 disaical, mystic, tranquillizing — to the poet per- 
 haps when all is well — but to us, they seemed 
 haunted by spirits of evil, the yells of the demons 
 seemed to echo and reecho ; but an indefinable 
 something seemed to sympathize with the infinite 
 pathos of our lives, and at last sleep, " the brother 
 
16 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 of death," folded us in his arms, and the curtain 
 fell. 
 
 " There is a place called Pillow-land, 
 Where gales can never sweep 
 Across the pebbles on the strand 
 That girds the Sea of Sleep. 
 
 'Tis here where grief lets loose the rein, 
 
 And age forgets to weep, 
 For all are children once again, 
 
 Who cross the Sea of Sleep. 
 
 The gates are ope'd at daylight close, 
 
 When weary ones may creep, 
 Lulled in the arms of sweet repose, 
 
 Across the Sea of Sleep. 
 
 Oh weary heart, and toil-worn hand, 
 
 At eve comes rest to thee, 
 When ply the boats to Pillow-land, 
 
 Across the Sleepy sea. 
 
 Thank God for this sweet Pillow-land, 
 
 Where weary ones may creep, 
 And breathe the perfume on the strand 
 
 That girds the Sea of Sleep." 
 
 It is pleasant in this sunset of life, to recall the 
 testimony of my brothers that through all those 
 troublous scenes, father and mother were soothed 
 and consoled by an unfaltering faith in the ulti- 
 mate triumph of the good and true, that their 
 faces were often illumined as they repeated to 
 
MY FIRST VOYAGE. 17 
 
 each other those priceless words of the sweet 
 singer, 
 
 " Drifting over a sunless sea, cold dreary mists encircling me, 
 Toiling over a dusty road with foes within and foes abroad, 
 "Weary, I cast my soul on Thee, mighty to save even me, 
 Jesus Thou Son of God." 
 
 At last the " perils by land and perils by sea, 
 and perils from false brethren," this long, long 
 journey ended and we reached the promised land. 
 We halted in old Byfield, in the state of Massa- 
 chusetts, with worldly goods consisting of a 
 bushel of barberries, threadbare toilets, and the 
 ancient equipage dilapidated as aforesaid. 
 
 After much tribulation, father took a farm 
 " on shares," which was found to result in end- 
 less toil to us, and the lion's share of the crops 
 going to the owners, who toiled not, neither did 
 they spin, but reaped with gusto where we had 
 sown. 
 
 After a few years of this profitless drudgery, 
 my father bought an old run-down farm with 
 dilapidated buildings in the neighboring town 
 
 of B, , mortgaging all, and our souls and 
 
 bodies besides, for its payment. We hoped we 
 had rounded the cape of storms which sooner or 
 later looms up before every ship which sails the 
 sea of life, for we had fully realized the truth of 
 the poem — 
 
18 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 We may steer our boats by the compass, 
 
 Or may follow the northern star ; 
 We may carry a chart on shipboard 
 
 As we sail o'er the seas afar ; 
 But, whether by star or by compass 
 
 We may guide our boats on our way, 
 The grim cape of storms is before us, 
 
 And we'll see it ahead some day. 
 
 How the prow may point is no matter, 
 
 Nor of what the cargo may be, 
 If we sail on the northern ocean, 
 
 Or away on the southern sea ; 
 It matters not who is the pilot, 
 
 To what guidance our course conforms ; 
 No vessel sails o'er the sea of life 
 
 But must pass the cape of storms. 
 
 Sometimes we can first sight the headland 
 
 On the distant horizon's rim ; 
 We enter the dangerous waters 
 
 With our vessels taut and trim ; 
 But often the cape in its grimness 
 
 Will before us suddenly rise, 
 Because of the clouds that have hid it 
 
 Or the blinding sun in our eyes. 
 
 Our souls will be caught in the waters 
 
 That are hurled at the storm cape's face ; 
 Our pleasures and joys, our hopes and fears, 
 
 Will join in the maddening race. 
 Our prayers, desires, our penitent griefs, 
 
 Our longings and passionate pain, 
 Be dashed to spray on the stormy cape 
 
 And fly in our faces like rain. 
 
MY FIRST VOYAGE. 
 
 19 
 
 But there's always hope for the sailor, 
 
 There is ever a passage through ; 
 No life goes down at the cape of storms, 
 
 If the life and the heart be true. 
 If in purpose the soul is steadfast, 
 
 If faithful in mind and in will, 
 The boat will glide to the other side, 
 
 Where the ocea/a of life is stilL 
 

"It was a Fair Scene of Tranquillity." 
 
/#207 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 NEAR TO NATURE'S HEART. 
 
 IT seems but yesterday, although more than a 
 half century ago, that I, a puny boy, stood 
 on the hilltop and looked for the first time upon 
 this, the earliest home of which I have any vivid 
 recollection. It was a fair scene of rustic tran- 
 quillity, where a contented mind might delight to 
 spend a lifetime mid hum of bees and low of kine. 
 
 Along the eastern horizon's rim loomed the 
 blue sea beyond the sandy dunes of old Plum 
 Island ; the lazy river born in babbling brooks 
 and bubbling springs flowing languidly mid 
 wooded islands, and picturesque stacks of salt 
 hay, representing the arduous toil of farmers and 
 dry-as-dust fodder for reluctant cows. Nearer, 
 the two church spires of the little village, stri- 
 ving to lift the sordid minds of the natives from 
 earthly clods to the clouds, and where beckoning 
 hands strove vainly to inspire them with heavenly 
 hopes ; around them, glistening in the sunlight, 
 the marble slabs where sleep the rude forefathers 
 of the hamlet, some mute inglorious Miltons who 
 
 23 
 
24 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 came from England in the early sixties, whose 
 tombstones are pierced by rifle bullets fired at 
 the maraudering red skins. These are the cities 
 of the dead, far more populous than the town of 
 the living. 
 
 Nearer, the willowy brook that turns the mill ; 
 to the south the dense pine woods, peopled in 
 our imaginations, with fairy elves, owls, and hob- 
 goblins — now, alas, owing to the rapacity of the 
 sawmills, naught but a howling wilderness of 
 stumps and underbrush. 
 
 Directly below me, stands our half-century old 
 house with its eaves sloping to the ground, down 
 which generations of boys had ruined their pants 
 in hilarious coasting ; near by, the ancient well- 
 swipe, and the old oaken bucket which rose from 
 the well ; beyond this, of course, as usual, the 
 piggery and hennery to contaminate the water 
 and breed typhoid fever, and in the house cellar, 
 the usual dampness from the hillside to supply 
 us all Avith rheumatism and chills. 
 
 There existed apparently in the early dawn of 
 the nineteenth century, an unwritten law which 
 required the farmers to violate all the laws of 
 sanitation, and then to ascribe all ills the flesh is 
 heir to, to the mysterious will of an inscrutable 
 Providence whose desire it was to make the heart 
 better by the sorrows of the countenance, and to 
 save the soul from hell by the punishment of the 
 
NEAR TO NATURE'S HEART. 25 
 
 body. Vegetables were allowed to rot in the 
 cellars, and to make everybody sick with their 
 noxious odors so that we might not be too much 
 wedded to this transitory existence. Pork, 
 beans, and cabbage must be devoured in enor- 
 mous quantities just before going to bed for the 
 purpose of inspiring midnight groans and prayers 
 to be delivered from the pangs of the civil war 
 in the inner man. 
 
 This moralizing is inspired by the pessimism of 
 disenchanted age ; but on that beautiful morning 
 of the long ago, naught occurred to me save the 
 wedlock of earth and heaven: I was near to 
 nature's heart, listening to the ecstatic songs of 
 the robins, the orioles and sweetest of all the 
 bobolink. 
 
 "Oh, winged rapture, feathered soul of spring: 
 Blithe voice of woods, fields, waters, all in one, 
 Pipe blown through by the warm, mild breath of June, 
 Shepherding her white flocks of woolly clouds, 
 The bobolink has come, and climbs the wind 
 With rippling wings that quiver not for flight 
 But only joy, or yielding to its will 
 Runs down, a brook of laughter through the air." 
 
 After the charm of the novelty of the scene 
 had vanished, I descended from my perch to ex- 
 plore this sleepy hollow : the barn door hung 
 suspended on a single hinge, like a bird with but 
 one unbroken wing to soar upon. The swallows 
 
26 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 twittered their love-songs under the eaves ; chip- 
 munks scolded my intrusion and threw nuts at 
 my head from the beams ; a lone, lorn hen pro- 
 claimed her triumph over a new laid egg, and 
 then, with fiery eyes, assaulted me with profanity 
 as I filled my hat with her choicest treasures. 
 A litter of pigs scampered away, wedging them- 
 selves into a hole in the wall, and hung there 
 kicking and squealing, while their indignant 
 mother chased me up a ladder where she hurled 
 at me the vilest imprecations ; a solitary Phoebe 
 bird wailed out her plaintive " pee wee, pee wee, 
 pee whi itt," and a newly-married pair of sandpi- 
 pers chanted their song of the sea on the edge 
 of a mud puddle in the yard. 
 
 At last the infuriated sow went to liberate her 
 wedged-in offspring, leaving me to flee to the 
 house where I cooked my eggs and some ancient 
 potatoes in the ashes of a fire smoldering in the 
 wide old fireplace. I have since eaten royal din- 
 ners in palatial hotels, but nothing has ever tasted 
 half as good as this extemporized lunch of my 
 boyhood. 
 
 Here the rest of the family found me later 
 when they came bringing their household goods ; 
 here I might have laid, broad and deep, the 
 foundations of a useful life, had I possessed even 
 a modicum of the stick-to-itiveness so essential 
 to success. 
 
NEAR TO NATURE'S HEART. 27 
 
 A limited amount of discontent is a powerful 
 stimulus to more strenuous endeavor ; but when 
 you have intensity without continuity of mental 
 action, beware of imitating my example of pro- 
 gressing along the lines of the least resistance ; 
 for if you do you will never attain to that per- 
 sistency of effort which can come only from over- 
 coming obstacles. 
 
 "When my father gave me a moderate task of 
 weeding onions, I soon became tired of crawling 
 on hands and knees under a scorching sun, inun- 
 dating the earth with perspiration and tears, so I 
 substituted a hoe for fingers, tearing up onions 
 with the weeds that I might the sooner secure 
 unlimited rheumatism by bathing in the brook. 
 Had my father given me what he earnestly de- 
 sired, and what I richly deserved, — a sound 
 spanking, and more weeding to do, — I might 
 have developed much needed perseverance, but 
 spanking was never allowed by my fond mother, 
 and I became a shirk. 
 
 I was set to picking berries to replenish the 
 family larder ; but this soon became monotonous, 
 and I appropriated the old grain-sieve, placing it 
 beside the bushes, and pounding the huckleberries 
 into it with a stick ; the result was a heteroge- 
 neous conglomeration of worms, leaves, bugs, and 
 crushed berries ; but I succeeded in eliminating 
 the refuse by throwing the whole mass into a 
 
28 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 tub of water, and skimming off the risings. I 
 would then descant to buyers upon the freshness 
 of the berries wet with the dews of heaven, but 
 my ruse was soon discovered, and people refused 
 to purchase such mucilaginous pulp. 
 
 Our widowed hired woman was possessed of a 
 baby, and I was assigned the task of rocking the 
 cradle ; but I soon sighed for the apple blossoms 
 and songs of birds, — we had no English sparrows 
 then — so I drove a nail into the cradle, tied to it 
 the clothes-line, and went out of doors and be- 
 gan pulling at the cord. Soon agonizing screams 
 were heard, and baby was found on the floor 
 with the cradle pounding on top of him. 
 
 I was sent to drive home the cows from pas- 
 ture, but left the task to the dog, who chased 
 them over the wall into the corn-field where they 
 devastated the crop, and ruined the milk by de- 
 vouring green apples, while I, skylarking in a 
 neighbor's pasture, was treed by an angry bull, 
 who kept me in the branches until I caught a 
 violent cold and became for weeks a family 
 burden. 
 
 I was set to milking the cows, but I tied their 
 tails to the beams, applied a lemon-squeezer to 
 their udders until everybody was aroused by the 
 bellowings of the infuriated beasts, and the milk 
 and myself were found carpeting the dirty 
 floor. 
 
NEAR TO NATURE'S HEART. 29 
 
 At last all patience was exhausted, and as I 
 was born on Sunday, and was good for nothing 
 else, my parents, good, pious church-members, 
 concluded I must become a minister, conse- 
 quently they sent me to school. School ! What 
 memories come back to us over the arid wastes 
 of life at the very mention of this magic word ! 
 There is the place where immortal minds are 
 filled with loathing at the very sight of books, 
 or where the torch of learning is kindled, which 
 burns on with ever-increasing brightness forever 
 more, and when I think of some of the teachers 
 of my youth I am reminded of what the wise 
 pastor said to a " stupid lunk-head " who had 
 conceived the preposterous idea that he was 
 called to be a preacher. " What, you be a 
 minister ? " 
 
 " Yes," said the dunce, " are we not com- 
 manded in the holy book to preach the gospel to 
 every critter ? " 
 
 " Verily," was the reply ; " but every critter is 
 not commanded to preach the gospel." 
 
 So long as percentages obtained after " cram- 
 ming " for examinations are the criterions which 
 decide the accepting or rejecting of candidates 
 for teaching positions, we must expect " critters " 
 for the school guides of our children, who, like 
 some of my own tutors, will 
 
30 
 
 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 " Ram it in, cram it in — 
 Children's heads are hollow ; 
 Rap it in, tap it in — 
 Bang it in, slam it in 
 Ancient archaeology, 
 Aryan philology, 
 Prosody, zoology, 
 Physics, climatology, 
 Calculus and mathematics, 
 Rhetoric and hydrostatics. 
 
 Stuff the school children, fill up the heads of them, 
 Send them all lesson-full home to the beds of them ; 
 When they are through with the labor and show of it, 
 What do they care for it, what do they know of it ? " 
 
 / X 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 JOYS AND SORROWS OF SCHOOL-DAYS. 
 
 IT was the custom in R , and is now to 
 quite an extent elsewhere, to elect as school 
 committee those especially noted for their igno- 
 rance and unfitness for the duties, perhaps to 
 keep them out of the almshouse, or to educate 
 them by the absorption process while hearing 
 pupils recite. These men were paid two dollars 
 for each call they made at schools, consequently 
 they " called " early and often, especially when 
 the school ma'ams were young and pretty. 
 
 Here, as elsewhere, there was always a great 
 fight at town-meetings for these school board 
 positions, especially when the school-book agents 
 became numerous, for these committees could 
 secure from said agents unlimited free books, and 
 get high prices for all their spavined horses, 
 dried up cows, and sick pigs in return for voting 
 for rival text-books. 
 
 As the committees were often unequal to the 
 task of making out a course of study, pupils 
 selected what studies they pleased, as suicidal a 
 
 31 
 
32 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 policy as it would be if, when you were sick and 
 went to the physician for relief, he should point 
 to a lot of different medicines, and tell you to 
 pay your money, and take your choice. 
 
 As there was a cramming machine close by 
 called an academy, whose sole object was to 
 push students into Harvard College, of course 
 the common schools must be "crammers" for 
 the academy, and the result was, that we had no 
 educational institutions whatever, and mental 
 dyspepsia was well-nigh universal, a smattering 
 of everything, a knoAvledge of nothing. As well 
 might we pour food into the mouth by the peck, 
 pound it down with a ramrod, and expect health- 
 ful physical growth. 
 
 Hundreds of poor parents are working them- 
 selves to death to send their children to such 
 schools with a view to elevating them to " higher 
 positions " than they themselves occupy, and 
 soon we will have none to do the honest physical 
 labor of life, but the world will be full of kid- 
 gloved hangers on for soft jobs, who regard 
 working with the hands to be a disgrace. 
 
 Well do I remember going to a neighbor, 
 whose farm was mortgaged for all it was worth 
 to buy finery and pay tuition bills in said 
 academy, and begging for the services of the 
 daughter to help my sick mother. I was re- 
 
JOYS AND SORROWS OF SCHOOL-DAYS. 33 
 
 fused with insult and scorn. " Do you think," 
 shrieked the irate virago, " that I will allow my 
 daughter who is studying French, Latin, Greek, 
 and German to wash your dirty dishes ? " I 
 was driven from the house at the point of the 
 boot. That daughter is to-day shaking and 
 twitching with St. Vitus's dance, a physical and 
 mental wreck from overstudy, causing nervous 
 exhaustion and despair. 
 
 Hundreds of girls throughout our country who 
 might have been good housekeepers, are to-day 
 useless invalids, made so by what is called 
 "higher education." Hundreds of boys, who 
 might have become successful farmers and me- 
 chanics, are now dissipating in beer shops while 
 waiting in vain for lily-fingered positions as 
 bookkeepers or teachers. In scores of New 
 England towns, one man, employed to fill the 
 heads of a reluctant few with the dead languages, 
 receives more salary than all the other teachers 
 combined. 
 
 It seems to require a surgical operation to get 
 the fact through our thick heads, that our school 
 system demands radical reform from top to bot- 
 tom to the end that hands as well as heads may 
 receive technical bread-and-butter, practical edu- 
 cation. 
 
 I was a victim of this elective-study craze, and 
 with the usual stupidity displayed by a child 
 
34 THE GENTLEMAN ER03I EVERYWHERE. 
 
 when left to decide what he shall do, I chose 
 Latin as my principal study in this common dis- 
 trict school, because I fancied it smacked of eru- 
 dition. 
 
 The teacher, knowing no more than myself of 
 the language, set me to committing to memory 
 the whole of Andrews' Latin Grammar. I gained 
 the important information that " sto, Jldo, con- 
 Jldo, assuescO) and preditus " govern the ablative, 
 and other valuable lore ; but when I asked the 
 teacher where the Latin vernacular came in, she 
 replied that that would come to me later — that I 
 must " open my mouth and shut my eyes while 
 she gave me something to make me wise." A 
 solemn awe not unmixed with envy pervaded the 
 schoolroom as I, parrot-like, rattled off this 
 valueless jargon of a people dead for hundreds of 
 years. 
 
 As this study possessed no interest for me, I 
 naturally dropped into mischief, and being caught 
 one day with a distorted picture of the teacher 
 on my slate with the following suggestive poem 
 lines beneath it : — " Savage by name and savage 
 by nature, I hope the Lord will take your breath 
 before you lick us all to death," — I was chased 
 about the room by the angry pedagoguess until I 
 leaped through the back window, and the hole 
 made in the bank by my head is pointed out to 
 this day as a warning to recalcitrant pupils. 
 

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 " Floating 'Neath the Trees of Mill River." 
 
JOYS AND SORROWS OF SCHOOL-DAYS. 37 
 
 I refused to return to this temple of wisdom, 
 nd digging a hole into the haymow, secreted 
 myself therein, pulling the hole in after me. 
 Here I would remain during school hours, watch- 
 ing through a crevice cut in the side of the barn, 
 my father who made the air resound with threats 
 of what he would do if I did not at once return 
 to my education mill. Here I was often joined 
 by a congenial spirit, and we played cards which 
 were regarded as the emissaries of Satan by my 
 religious parents ; then we would sally forth with 
 masked faces and wooden guns, and inspired by 
 dime novels, overthrow the walls of children's 
 playhouses, throw rocks against the schoolhouse, 
 bully the small boys almost into fits, hook the 
 neighbors' eggs, corn, melons and apples, which 
 we devoured at leisure in a hidden hut in the 
 woods. 
 
 When the spirit moved, we would " swipe " a 
 neighbor's skiff and go floating and paddling be- 
 neath the overarching trees of Mill River, lazily 
 watching the muskrats sliding down the banks 
 and sporting in the water or building their huts 
 of mud, sticks and leaves ; the fish-hawk, plun- 
 ging beneath the surface and emerging with a 
 struggling victim in his talons which he bore 
 away to a tree-top to tear and eat ; then a timid 
 wood duck casting suspicious glances as it glided 
 across a cove, secreting her little ones in the 
 
38 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 swamp ; then a crane standing on one long leg 
 motionless as a statue, watching with half -closed 
 eyes for a mud-eel for its dinner. 
 
 Then we would imitate those animal murderers, 
 by catching some fish which we broiled to satisfy 
 our carnivorous appetites. It was delightful to 
 float in that tiny boat, gazing through the green 
 canopy of leaves at the great white clouds sailing 
 over like ships upon the sea, listening to the 
 ecstatic trilling of the orioles, and the flute-like 
 melodies of the mocking-bird of the north. 
 
 We would watch the delicate traceries of the 
 water gardens through which the mild-eyed 
 stickle-backs sailed serenely, having implicit con- 
 fidence in the protection of their sharp spinacles, 
 presenting to all enemies an impervious array of 
 bayonets ; the shark-like pickerel endeavoring to 
 swallow every living thing ; the lazy barvel, 
 everlastingly sucking his sustenance from the 
 animalculae around him ; the turtles, snapping at 
 everything in sight with impunity relying upon 
 the impregnable defense of their coats-of-mail. 
 
 On one of these occasions we were aroused 
 from our Arcadian dream by a frightful roar, 
 and the destruction of all things seemed at hand. 
 A young cyclone had struck the fire over which 
 we had cooked our fish, fanning it into a furious 
 conflagration. We climbed a tall oak, and soon, 
 as far as the eye could reach, all the hills and 
 
JOYS AND SORROWS OF SCHOOL-DAYS. 39 
 
 woodlands seemed wrapped in flames. Frantic 
 farmers were seen flagellating the excited oxen 
 and horses, who, with tails in air, were drag- 
 ging the ploughs, making furrows around the 
 houses and barns, which were nearly all located 
 in pastures rendered dry as tinder by that extra- 
 ordinary summer's heat. 
 
 The cause of this disturbance was traced to us, 
 and we barely escaped coats of tar and feathers 
 at the hands of the infuriated neighbors, by the 
 pleadings of our ever-loving mothers who prom- 
 ised we should go every day to the academy and 
 sin no more. 
 
 We were thoroughly sobered by our dangers, 
 and commenced our careers at this ancient insti- 
 tution founded by the first Lieutenant-Governor 
 of Massachusetts. Here reigned supreme a fiery 
 autocrat, a fervent admirer of Greek and Latin, 
 a cordial hater of mathematics — my weakest 
 point — a D.D., LL.D., who was determined to 
 drive everybody into college. He had heard of 
 my escapades, and was fully prepared to lay upon 
 my devoted head all the pranks of a restless fun- 
 loving crowd of students. 
 
 On the first day of my initiation, while the 
 professor was invoking the Divine blessing, the 
 sight of a big dinner pail belonging to the fat 
 boy in front of me, proved too much of a tempta- 
 tion, and I hurled it down the aisle, scattering 
 
40 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 pork, pickles, doughnuts, and so forth in its wake, 
 and ending with a loud bang against the plat- 
 form. Of course I was the suspect, and cutting 
 off prayer abruptly, down he rushed, and banged 
 my head till I saw more stars than ever shone in 
 heaven. 
 
 My academy " alma mater " has graduated but 
 few who have — 
 
 " Climbed fame's ladder so high 
 From the round at the top they have stepped to the sky, " 
 
 and it is sad to recall that many of the most 
 gifted, acquired in college secret societies the 
 alcohol habit, and now sleep in drunkards' graves. 
 
 Brilliant Charlie, my chum, who mastered 
 languages and sciences as easy as " rolling off a 
 log." I saw him last summer, a wreck — wine 
 and bad women did it. The idolized son of 
 pious parents, whose youth was surrounded at 
 home with the halo of Bible and prayer ; but like 
 Esau, he "sold his birthright for a mess of 
 pottage" and afterwards " found no space for re- 
 pentance, though he sought it earnestly and with 
 many tears." 
 
 It seems but yesterday that he and I were en- 
 joying a game of " pickknife," lacerating the top 
 of a new desk, when in rushed the " D. D." with 
 his feet encased in the thinnest of slippers and 
 with which he gave me a kick which broke his 
 
JOYS AND SORROWS OF SCHOOL-DAYS. 41 
 
 toe, then clasping it in his hand, danced on one 
 leg, whooping unconsciously cuss word ejacula- 
 tions till we shrieked with laughter ; then he 
 bumped our heads together until my big brother 
 shook the dominie-pedagogue as a dog would a 
 rat, and threatened that if he ever struck my 
 head again he would drown him in the horse- 
 pond. 
 
 Dear, good brother, he always was, and is now 
 my guardian angel, although now he comes from 
 heaven to shield me, for I am the last on earth 
 of my father's family. 
 
 Alas, how many of those academy classmates, 
 each of whom was then the soul of honor and 
 the heart of truth, drowned their intellects in the 
 flowing bowl. JEheu, Eheu,fugaces anni labun- 
 tur ! But surely it was only this morning oh, 
 beautiful, star-eyed Harry, that you and I, 
 wearied with the frantic vain attempts of the un- 
 mathematical professor to elucidate by appalling 
 triangles and hieroglyphics on the blackboard the 
 perplexities of cube root, ousted each other from 
 the seat, sprawling upon the floor, and were 
 chased by the LL. D. out of doors, never to re- 
 turn until we apologized and promised " to do so 
 no more." 
 
 Although I had been as "prone to mischief" 
 as the sparks to fly upward — ringing the academy 
 bell at midnight by means of a string tied to the 
 
42 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 tongue, bringing the professor in his night shirt 
 from his bed to chase me, covering his chimney 
 with a board till he was well-nigh suffocated 
 with smoke, hitching his horse to a boat in Mill 
 River, pillaging his coop and scattering his hens 
 to the four winds of heaven, crawling under his 
 bed at night and nearly frightening him to death 
 with unearthly groans, catching him by the legs 
 as he jumped out and leaving him kicking on the 
 floor as I leaped through the window amid ap- 
 plauding students — I was appointed assistant 
 teacher at the beginning of my senior year. 
 
 Then at once great dignity was assumed by 
 me which, being resented by my former cronies, 
 I secured order by licking them at recess one by 
 one, though I suffered from many " nasal hem- 
 orrhages " while engaged in fistic rough and 
 tumbles to assert my authority ; I conquered, but 
 secured many black eyes and bedewed the campus 
 with much "claret" for the good of the order. 
 
 At length we were declared sufficiently 
 crammed to enter college, and on graduation day 
 I discoursed in stentorian tones upon " True 
 Heroism," amid the applause of the fair sex, and 
 convulsed the audience with laughter by pranc- 
 ing, in my enthusiastic eloquence, upon the sore 
 toe of one of the reverend trustees on the stage 
 who fairly yelled with pain : " Sic transit gloria 
 mundi" 
 
JOYS AND SORROWS OF SCHOOL-DATS. 43 
 
 Among the sins of my youth, which I confess 
 with " shame and confusion of face " were the 
 pranks played by me and some fellow-sinners 
 upon our nearest neighbors. These worthies 
 consisted of an old man and what appeared to 
 be his much older daughter, the two most un- 
 accountable cranks that dame nature ever pre- 
 sented to my notice. 
 
 The father was possessed of the insane halluci- 
 nation that he was the greatest poet that ever 
 lived. Often I have seen him drop his hoe in the 
 potato field, and run for the house so that you 
 could hardly see his heels for dust, looking for 
 all the world like an animated pair of tongs. As 
 he expressed it, " an idee had struck him," and 
 all mankind would die of intellectual starvation 
 unless he at once embodied said " idee " in a 
 poem. 
 
 His greatest delight was to gather about him 
 of an evening a crowd of young folks and read 
 to us his preposterous " lines." On such occa- 
 sions, some of us would quietly steal away up 
 into his garret, and roll down over the stairs, 
 with a thunderous uproar, a huge gilded ball 
 which had decorated a post outside a tavern 
 where he formerly dispensed much " fire water," 
 to the impoverishment of his customers and to 
 the enrichment of himself. 
 
 Then our host, with much profanity, would 
 
44 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 rush to the rescue armed with an ancient bayonet 
 and a fish trumpet which, like the bugle-horn of 
 Roderic Dhu, summoned all the neighbors to his as- 
 sistance ; but some sympathizing friend would al- 
 ways upset the table holding the candle so that they 
 could never decide who were the guilty absentees. 
 
 At other times while the great poet was sing- 
 ing his sweetest songs, we would seize his ancient 
 roosters by their tails, and while they were ma- 
 king night hideous with their lamentations, the 
 angry couple would bombard the hen-roosts with 
 shovels, hoes and other weapons in the hope of 
 slaughtering the marauders. These pleasantries 
 made much fun for us, and varied the monotony 
 of the lives of our entertainers. 
 
 The ancient daughter firmly believed that she 
 possessed the fatal gift of beauty, although her 
 elongated face was of the thickness and color of 
 sole leather, and one eye was hideously closed, 
 while the other was of spotless green. It was 
 wonderful to see her cork-screw curls and lan- 
 guishing smirks when the young men took turns 
 in pretending to court her, while an admiring 
 crowd gazed at their amours through the window. 
 
 I can recall but two of the greatest of the 
 poems of this man who delighted in the full belief 
 that Shakespeare could not " hold a candle to 
 him." These I take pleasure in handing down 
 through the ages. 
 
JOYS AND SORROWS OF SCHOOL-DAYS. 
 
 45 
 
 No. 1. 
 
 " A youth of parts, a witty blade 
 To college went and progress made 
 Sounding round his logick ; 
 The prince of hell wide spread his net. 
 And caught him by one lucky hit 
 And dragged him down to tophet." 
 
 No. 2. 
 " In the year 1801 
 
 I, Enoch B , was born 
 
 Without any shirt on." 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 CAREER OF A DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE. 
 
 DEAR old fathers and mothers ! Of all the 
 people in this world, they look through 
 the rubbish of our imperfections, and see in us 
 the divine ideal of our natures, love in us not 
 perhaps the men we are, but the angels we may 
 be in the evolution of the " sweet by and by," 
 like the mother of St. Augustine, who, even while 
 he was wild and reckless, beheld him standing 
 clothed in white a ministering priest at the right 
 hand of God. 
 
 They see through us as Michel Angelo saw 
 through the block of marble, declaring that an 
 angel was imprisoned within it. They are soul 
 artists. They can never acknowledge our faults, 
 only our divine possibilities ; so, when I left the 
 academy, my parents, with strong yearning and 
 with tears, entreated me to become a minister. 
 I had not the heart to disappoint them and as 
 one hypnotized, on a Sabbath morning during 
 that summer, the clergyman immersed me in the 
 river, while a wondering crowd watched from 
 the shore. The very waters seemed to protest, 
 
 46 
 
CAREER OF A DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE. 47 
 
 for as I gasped for breath at the cold backward 
 plunge, I imbibed copious draughts of the briny 
 deep, and was well-nigh strangled. I survived 
 the ordeal, and that afternoon preached in the 
 church to nearly the entire population of the 
 town on the " Final state of the impenitent 
 dead." 
 
 Oh, the terrors of this my first sermon, horrors 
 to preacher as well as to " preachees." As I sat 
 in the pulpit beside our pastor, listening to the 
 tremulous tones of the organ which followed the 
 prayer, and gazing at the sea of upturned faces, 
 they seemed taunting me with all the wild pranks 
 of my boyhood, and crying " Oh fool and hypo- 
 crite." 
 
 All my schoolmates were there shaking with 
 ill-concealed merriment. Every pore poured 
 forth perspiration, and my hair seemed to stand 
 on end like quills upon the back of the fretful 
 porcupine. I thought of the experience of the 
 first sermon by a theological student which I had 
 recently read in a comic paper, and I trembled 
 lest history was to repeat itself. 
 
 This theologue, like many of his cloth, was 
 possessed of the insane impression that he was 
 gifted with the sublime inspiration of eloquence, 
 and being invited to preach on his return to the 
 old home for vacation, he selected the somewhat 
 startling text " and the dumb ass opened his 
 
48 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 mouth and spake." On this elevating theme he 
 wrote a sensational sermon and committed it to 
 memory in order that he might electrify his 
 audience with eye power as well as by verbal 
 flow of soul. The awful day arrived, but when 
 the young apostle arose to preach, stage fright 
 banished from his mind all but the thrilling text. 
 
 " My friends," said he, " we are informed by 
 the holy book that this dumb ass opened his 
 mouth and spake." Then pulling his hair in des- 
 peration, he repeated the text several times, when 
 he was interrupted by the disgusted pastor, who 
 jumped to his feet and shouted : 
 
 " Well, friends, as the dumb ass has nothing to 
 say, let us pray." 
 
 This awful example well nigh converted me 
 into another specimen of this historic animal, 
 but at last the pent up cave of the winds was 
 opened, and a gust of sound came forth which so 
 stunned the listening ears of my hearers that 
 they dazedly mistook it for eloquence. 
 
 I painted to them the picture of the incorrigi- 
 ble sinner " on flames of burning brimstone tossed, 
 forever, oh forever lost." I did not intend to be 
 a hypocrite ; but drifted with the revival tide. 
 
 I discoursed often that summer to audiences 
 that crowded the church to the doors. I was but 
 fifteen years of age, and was called : " The won- 
 derful boy preacher." 
 
CAREER OF A DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE. 49 
 
 One Sunday the village crank came to hear 
 me, honoring the occasion by wearing a new stove- 
 pipe hat of prodigious proportions, which he de- 
 posited on the seat as he arose during prayer. 
 When the amen was pronounced, perhaps par- 
 alyzed by the fervor, he sat down upon said stove- 
 pipe, crushing it to a pie, then leaped from the 
 wreck uttering a blasphemous yell which con- 
 vulsed the crowd with laughter, and thus broke 
 up the meeting without the benediction and pass- 
 ing of the contribution-box, much to the delight 
 of all who " steal their preaching " on all possible 
 occasions. 
 
 I soon found that however anxious people were 
 to save their souls, they were unwilling to part 
 with their " filthy lucre " to buy through tickets 
 to the celestial city, consequently, that winter 
 being impecunious, I was constrained to accept 
 the offer of my cousin, the " prudential commit- 
 tee," to teach the district school in Barrington, 
 N. H., for the generous stipend of $14 per month 
 and what board I could secure by going from 
 house to house of my pupils. 
 
 On arriving there I was ushered into the im- 
 posing presence of the Free-will Baptist minister 
 for examination ; then I was made aware that 
 although I had plenty of Greek and Latin, I was 
 woefully uninstructed in the rudiments of our 
 mother tongue, and was saved only by the fact 
 
50 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 that my cousin was the largest contributor to the 
 dominie's salary. 
 
 The reverend superintendent had prepared an 
 appalling array of " posers " in accordance with 
 the laws of the state, but my cousin at my urgent 
 request, assured him that I was an alumnus of 
 one of the greatest institutions in the world, that 
 I was a clergyman of his own denomination, that 
 it was a waste of time to examine so distinguished 
 a scholar, that dinner was ready, and the hungry 
 dominie was seduced to the table where he par- 
 took of so much solid and liquid good cheer, that 
 he quite forgot his official duty, and gave me the 
 required certificate : thus I was saved from utter 
 destruction. 
 
 In this isolated country town the coming of 
 the schoolmaster in his tour of boarding around, 
 was the great social event of the year to each 
 family in this Barrington, so called from the nu- 
 merous children which the mothers bear. The 
 fatted pig was invariably killed in his honor, and 
 he was regaled with fried pork, roast pig, broiled 
 hog, sausages, and doughnuts reeking with swine 
 fat ad nauseam, galore. The teacher was thus 
 made bilious, dyspeptic and so ugly, that he tried 
 to get even with his carnivorous tormentors by 
 making it "as hot" as possible for their offspring. 
 
 At the opening of the school, this long and lank 
 fifteen year old pedagogue faced sixty pupils from 
 
CAREER OF A DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE. 51 
 
 the " a, b, c, tot " to the brawny twenty-one-year- 
 older, spoiling for a fight. When I assayed to 
 take a seat, the half-sawed-off hind legs of the 
 chair gave way, and I fell heels in air upon the 
 dirty floor amid the yells and cat-calls of this 
 tumultuous army ; then the stalwart ringleader 
 came forward to throw me into the snow bank, 
 where my predecessor was nearly smothered with 
 his head under the snow and his feet uplifted to 
 heaven. 
 
 I quickly pulled a concealed ruler, and with a 
 blow on the head, knocked the young giant 
 sprawling, then utilizing all my athletic training, 
 I tripped and banged his followers till they fled 
 pell-mell to their benches. Finally, I hypnotized 
 my audience with great eloquence, stating that I 
 would give them teaching or clubbing as they 
 might prefer. My sweet sixteen, black-eyed girl 
 cousin gave efficient aid, winning the girls to my 
 side ; they secured the alliance of their sweethearts, 
 and the victory was complete. 
 
 I soon found that some of the bright country 
 lads and lasses knew more than myself about the 
 " three E's," but by getting a key to the arith- 
 metic, and trimming the midnight candle I man- 
 aged to keep ahead of the game. 
 
 In this strictly agricultural town, I found every 
 type of the genuine unadulterated yankee stock. 
 When I called on Mrs. Jones to furnish her share 
 
52 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 of the perambulating schoolmaster's provisions, 
 she remarked, " I can eat you, but I can't sleep 
 you, because I have no spare bedroom." With 
 feigned terror, I said that I feared I would not be 
 a very toothsome subject for a cannibal, there- 
 upon she gave me the glad hand, " come right 
 in, my poor thing, and we will fat you up for our 
 Thanksgiving dinner." I entered, and ate my hog 
 and doughnuts with gladness of heart, for she 
 was the most buxom, joyous, and hospitable 
 Betsy imaginable. 
 
 It was she who cheered the house and the 
 hearth more than all the Christmas fires, an old- 
 fashioned, thoroughly good woman, entirely 
 happy without the aid of diamonds, finery, or 
 long-tailed gowns to trail through the mud and 
 sweep the streets. It was extremely refreshing 
 to see this really sensible, natural human being, 
 as rare in this age as an oasis in the desert. 
 
 Her husband came in smiling, a veritable 
 brother Jonathan, hale and hearty, though tired, 
 for he had arisen from bed at three o'clock that 
 morning, milked a dozen cows, done chores 
 enough to kill a dozen dapper city clerks, and 
 then tramped beside his oxen through the deep 
 snow, taking a load of wood to sell in Dover 
 nearly twenty miles away. 
 
 This load he had labored hard for two days to 
 cut on the mountainside, and it brought him the 
 
CAREER OF A DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE. 53 
 
 munificent sum of three dollars, yet he was hap- 
 pier than any multi-millionaire I ever saw. 
 There were stumps he had dug out, and rocks 
 he had picked on his farm, enough to fence his 
 hundred acres almost sky-high ; but even then 
 he said he had to shoot his corn and potatoes out 
 of a gun to get them through the stones into 
 the ground. 
 
 This family was the life of every husking-bee, 
 where each red ear of corn led to rollicking fun, 
 resounding smacks on rosy cheeks, and of par- 
 ing-bees when even numbered apple-seeds were 
 the match-makers for bachelors and maids. They 
 often took prizes in my spelling-matches, when 
 the bashful swains were allowed to clasp hands 
 with their sweethearts, which led to many life- 
 long hand and heart clasps in this good old- 
 fashioned town where there were no despairing 
 old maids nor lone, lorn, grouty unmated men. 
 
 They went every Sunday to whittle sticks, 
 swap jack-knives and horses, and to listen to the 
 white-haired parson who led them by the resist- 
 less rhetoric of a blameless life, as well as by his 
 heartfelt prayers and exhortations in those " ways 
 which are ways of pleasantness and those paths 
 which are paths of peace." 
 
 " One hot summer's day," the farmer told me, 
 "the elder was preaching to a very drowsy 
 crowd after a hard week's work in the hay-field, 
 
54 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 when suddenly he stopped and shouted : ' Fire ! 
 Fire ! ' at the top of his lungs. ' Where ? 
 where ? ' cried some ex-snorers jumping to their 
 feet. ' In hell,' cried the indignant parson, ' for 
 those who sleep under the sound of the gospel.' " 
 
 This model minister was dear to every heart, 
 for it was he who had blessed them when they 
 first saw the light of day, had baptized them 
 when first his kindly teachings had awakened 
 their aspirations to walk in the straight and 
 narrow way. It was he who married them 
 when they found each the alter ego, to whom 
 they could say : 
 
 "Thou art all to me love for which my heart did pine 
 A green isle in the sea love, a fountain and a shrine." 
 
 It was he who had lifted their souls on the 
 breath of prayer, when their loved ones had 
 " fallen asleep in Jesus, blessed sleep, from which 
 none ever wake to weep." 
 
 They loved him though they gave him from 
 their scanty earnings but $400 a year, and half 
 the fish he could catch, yet they liberally sup- 
 plied his larder with their sweetest butter, fresh- 
 est eggs, and the choicest cuts from their flocks. 
 When a city minister once said to him : " You 
 have a poor salary, brother," he at once replied : 
 "Ah, but I give them mighty poor preaching, 
 you know." 
 
CAREER OF A DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE. 55 
 
 Grand old man, he followed closely in the 
 footsteps of his Master, and accomplished much 
 more good than many famous ones who wander 
 far from the precepts of the lowly Nazarene, 
 and deliver featureless sermons to unresponsive, 
 gaily-attired Dives under the arches of great 
 cathedrals. 
 
 But the trail of the serpent is everywhere 
 found, even in this sequestered spot. There 
 was, in the outskirts of the town, the inevitable 
 rumshop, fed, it was said, by an illicit still in the 
 woods, and there as usual Satan held high carni- 
 val among families dead in trespasses and sins. 
 There we assayed to hold temperance prayer- 
 meetings, but they loved darkness rather than 
 light, and we cast our pearls before swine, who 
 turned and rent us. 
 
 On one occasion we tried to hold services in 
 the little old deserted schoolhouse, and found 
 it, much to our surprise, packed with the inhab- 
 itants of Sodom ; a more villainous looking 
 crowd I never saw not even in darkest New 
 York. Beetle-browed, mop-haired men, whose 
 faces, if tapped, would apparently give forth as 
 much fire-water as a rum barrel. 
 
 For a short time they listened to the singing : 
 but when the aged minister attempted with 
 earnest words to inspire to a better life it seemed 
 as if all the fiends from heaven that fell, had 
 
66 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 pealed the banner cry of hell. Then a decayed 
 cabbage struck him full in the face, ancient and 
 unfragrant turnips and potatoes filled the air, 
 our little band crowded around to shield him, 
 but unmercifully assailed, we were obliged to 
 wield the chairs vigorously over their heads to 
 fight our way to the door. 
 
 One of our number left to guard the sleigh, 
 luckily had it ready, in we jumped and drove for 
 our lives, pursued by invectives too horrible to 
 mention. 
 
 This attack was inspired by the keeper of the 
 den of iniquity as he feared he would be de- 
 prived of his evil gains, and that night he rewarded 
 them with unlimited free drinks until they drowned 
 their consciences in a prolonged debauch. 
 
 One of my patrons became my implacable 
 enemy because I gave his chip-of-the-old-block 
 son some much merited discipline. This man, 
 Sampson by name, was the most malignant fel- 
 low I ever saw. One night when with my pupils 
 I was enjoying a skating party, he appeared with 
 some " sodomites " threatening to chuck me 
 under the ice, and they might have succeeded 
 but for two of my friends who, when the enemy 
 were close upon my heels, suddenly stretched a 
 rope across their path which tripped them up, 
 nearly breaking their heads in the concussion 
 with the ice. 
 
CAREER OF A DOMINIE-PEDAGOGUE. 57 
 
 On another occasion, several of us crawled into 
 a long hole to explore a cave in the woods. 
 While laboriously making our way on all fours, 
 carrying torches, we were suddenly horrified by 
 fiendish hisses. Visions of snakes danced before 
 our minds, the girls shrieked, the torches fell in 
 our frantic scramble and we were left in Stygian 
 darkness. A mocking, demoniacal laugh was 
 heard, winged creatures dashed against our faces 
 scratching and lacerating. 
 
 After much confusion and terror, we suc- 
 ceeded in relighting our torches, and found our- 
 selves in a wizard-like cave. The bats, for such 
 were our assailants, fled away like lost spirits, 
 grotesque shapes Avere seen formed from the 
 rocks by dripping waters during long ages, 
 fantastic icicles like the stalactites and stalag- 
 mites of the famous Mammoth Cave hung sus- 
 pended from the arching roof, but a resistless 
 longing to reach the air of heaven urged us on, 
 and we crawled to the opening through which 
 we entered. I was in the advance, and on reach- 
 ing the entrance was horrified to find it nearly 
 closed by a large rock, and behind it appeared 
 the malignant face of Sampson, who danced in 
 Satanic glee, laughing and shouting. 
 
 " I've got you rats in a hole, and there you'll 
 stay till you die ! " he shouted. 
 
 We knew our enemy too well to expect any 
 
58 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 mercy, and painfully made our way backwards 
 to the main cavern. None had ever explored it 
 further. I at last saw a glimmer of light, and 
 drawing nearer I discovered an opening to the 
 upper world through which, with great exertions, 
 we dragged ourselves back to the sweet air of 
 heaven. The delight of the reaction was ex- 
 quisite like that of escaping from paradise lost to 
 paradise regained. 
 
 When the ferocious Sampson heard of our 
 deliverance, he fled, and was never heard of 
 again, yet this demon in human form had a twin 
 brother who was one of the best men in the 
 town. 
 
 " From the same cradle's side, from the same mother's knee, 
 One to long darkness and the frozen tide, and one to the peace- 
 ful sea." 
 
 jfjfirs 
 
 Mill 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 DKEAMS OF MY YOUTH. 
 
 I~N the early spring came the close of school 
 term, and teacher, pupils and parents parted 
 with mutual regrets. My pecuniary reward was 
 small ; but I shall always remember with pleas- 
 ure the kind assurances received that I left the 
 intellectual status of that town much higher than 
 I found it. I have visited the place only once 
 since, but my old friends had all passed on to 
 the higher life, and my young ones were scat- 
 tered to the four winds of heaven in search of 
 that happiness and wealth which is seldom found 
 beneath the stars. 
 
 I reached the old home under the hill, de- 
 lighted to see once more the eyes which looked 
 love to eyes that spoke again, to hear the fa- 
 miliar spring chorus from the river, the first 
 robins and bluebirds rejoicing over the resurrec- 
 tion of nature, to explore each sheltered nook 
 for the early cowslips, violets, pussy-willows, 
 dandelions, and crocuses ; to gossip with my old 
 friends the chipmunks, the muskrats, and the 
 woodchucks ; to revisit each mossy hollow and 
 
 59 
 
60 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 sequestered retreat in my much loved pine 
 woods ; to whittle again the willow whistles, to 
 caress the opening buds and tiny green growing 
 blades of grass ; to float once more in my little 
 boat under the embracing arms of my chums, the 
 oaks, birches, and hemlocks I loved so well ; to 
 watch the first flight of Psyche, the butterfly, so 
 emblematic of the soaring of the immortal soul 
 from the body dead. The wood duck seemed to 
 smile upon me as of old as she sailed gracefully 
 into the little coves in my river, the woodpeckers 
 beat their drums in my honor, and the heron, the 
 " Shu-Shugah " — screamed welcome oh, my lover. 
 
 The rapture of the returning life to nature 
 thrilled my inmost being. Blue waves are toss- 
 ing, white wings are crossing, the earth springs 
 forth in the beauty of green, and the soul of the 
 beautiful chanted to all, the sweet refrain : 
 
 Come to me, come to me, oh my God, oh, come to me every- 
 where, 
 
 Let the earth mean Thee, and the mountain sod, the ocean and 
 the air, 
 
 For Thou art so far that I sometimes fear, 
 
 As on every side I stare 
 
 Searching within, and looking without, if Thou art anywhere. 
 
 My mother brought out all her choicest treas- 
 ures for her " long lost baby " ; my father and 
 brothers " killed the fatted calf " for the " prodi- 
 gal returned," the wide old fireplace sent forth 
 
DREAMS OF MY YOUTH. 61 
 
 its cheering warmth, the neighbors gathered 
 round to swap stories, and the apples, walnuts 
 and home-brewed juice of the fruit contributed 
 their inspiration to the hearty good cheer. 
 
 "Within and without the genial spirit of spring- 
 time cheered the heart of man and the heart of 
 nature, and all things animate and inanimate 
 sang the words of the poet. 
 
 " Doves on the sunny eaves are cooing, 
 
 The chip-bird trills from the apple-tree ; 
 Blossoms are bursting and leaves renewing, 
 
 And the crocus darts up the spring to see. 
 Spring has come with a smile of blessing, 
 
 Kissing the earth with her soft warm breath, 
 Till it blushes in flowers at her gentle caressing, 
 
 And wakes from the winter's dream of death." 
 
 That summer my services were frequently 
 utilized as substitute preacher by our good pastor, 
 who was much afflicted with what Mrs. Partington 
 calls " brown creeturs." He had harped on one 
 string of his vocal apparatus so long that like 
 Jeshuran of old "it waxed fat and kicked." 
 Exceedingly monotonous and soporific was his 
 voice, and it was necessary to strain every nerve 
 to tell whether he was preaching, praying or 
 reading, the words were much the same in each 
 case. 
 
 The long cramming of Hebrew, Greek, Latin 
 and all things dead had driven out all the vim 
 
62 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 and enthusiasm of his youth; the dry-as-dust 
 drill of the theological institution had filled his 
 mind with arguments for the destruction of all 
 other denominations to the entire exclusion of all 
 common sense. He forcibly reminded me of the 
 Scotch dominie who stopped at the stove to 
 shake off the water one rainy morning, and to 
 rebuke the sexton for not having a fire. " Niver 
 mind, yer Eiverince," replied the indignant serv- 
 ing man, " ye'll be dry enough soon as ye begin 
 praiching." 
 
 One hot Sunday when our clergyman was 
 droning away as usual, a well-to-do fat brother, 
 who once said he had such entire confidence in 
 our clergyman's orthodoxy that he didn't feel 
 obliged to keep awake to watch him, commenced 
 to snore like a fog horn, nearly drowning the 
 speaker's voice. The reverend stopped, and 
 thinking innocently, that some animal was ma- 
 king the disturbance, said: "Will the sexton 
 please put that dog out." This aroused fatty, 
 who left the church in a rage, and his subscrip- 
 tion was lost forever. 
 
 Our pious pastor was a fair sample of the 
 "wooden men" turned out by the educational 
 mills of the day ; to an assembly of whom Edwin 
 Booth is reported to have said : " The difference 
 between the theatre and the church is this, you 
 preach the gospel as if it were fiction, while we 
 
DREAMS OF MY YOUTH. 63 
 
 speak fiction as if it were the gospel truth. "When 
 you give less attention to dry theological disqui- 
 sitions and much more to the graces of elocution, 
 you may expect to do some good in the world." 
 
 His pastoral calls were appalling; arm ex- 
 tended like a pump handle to shake hands, one 
 up and down motion, a " how do you do ? " — 
 " fine day," then a solemn pause, generally fol- 
 lowed by his one story ; " The day my wife and 
 I were married it rained, but it cleared off pleas- 
 ant soon after, and it has been pleasant ever 
 since," then suspended animation, finally, " let us 
 pray," and when the same old prayer with few 
 variations was ended, once more the pump-handle 
 operation and he departed, wearing the same 
 hopeless face. He was not a two-faced man, for 
 had he another face, he would surely have worn 
 it. 
 
 This sad-eyed man was much tormented by a 
 brother minister in the pews, who seemed to have 
 a strong desire to secure our pastor's poor little 
 salary for his own private use and behoof. His 
 plan evidently was to throw the stigma of heresy 
 upon the incumbent, and to this end, when our 
 preacher was one day laboring hard to show us 
 exactly where foreordination ends and free moral 
 agency begins, the ex-minister arose, excitedly 
 declaring such talk to be rank Arminianism, and 
 denounced it as misleading sinners to the belief 
 
64 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 that they could be saved even if they were not so 
 predestinated in the eternal mind of an all-wise, 
 all-loving Jehovah, who had foredoomed some to 
 heaven and others to hell. The regular speaker 
 was dumbfounded. An argumentative duett 
 followed, much to the scandal of the saints and 
 the hilariousness of the sinners, until the pitying 
 organist struck up with great force : " From 
 whence doth this union arise ? " when the dis- 
 gruntled disturber left the church vowing he 
 would never pay another cent for such heretical 
 sermons. 
 
 Later, a heated discussion arose among the 
 church members as to whether fermented wine 
 should be used at the Sacrament of the Lord's 
 Supper, and when a vote was taken in favor of 
 the unfermented, the senior deacon withdrew in 
 disgust and joined the " Pedo Baptist " church 
 where he could have alcohol in his. 
 
 All this of course made the judicious grieve, 
 and the cause of religion to languish. This was 
 the time, famous in church history, when a great 
 reaction set in against Cotton Mather theology, 
 who proclaimed that the pleasure of the elect 
 would be greatly enhanced by looking down 
 from the sublime heights of heaven upon the 
 non-elect writhing in hell. 
 
 Unitarianism grew apace, and Henry "Ward 
 Beecher immortalized himself by saying : " Many 
 
DREA31S OF MY YOUTH. 65 
 
 preachers act like the foolish angler who goes to 
 the trout brook with a big pole, ugly line and 
 naked hook, thrashes the waters into a foam, 
 shouting, bite or be damned, bite or be damned ! 
 Result ; they are not what their great Master com- 
 manded them to be — successful fishers of men." 
 
 Our pastor was a good man despite his pecul- 
 iarities, and led a blameless though colorless life ; 
 but his " hard shell " theology, his long years of 
 monkish seclusion in the training schools, en- 
 gendering gloomy views as to the final misery of 
 the majority of human beings, his poverty and 
 lack of adaptation, banished all cheerfulness from 
 his demeanor, and when I recall his sad, solemn 
 face, made so largely by his views in regard to 
 the horrors awaiting the most of us in the next 
 world, I find myself repeating the words of Har- 
 riet Beecher Stowe in the " Minister's Wooing," 
 when she was thinking of that hell depicted by 
 the old theology ; " Oh my wedding day, why 
 did they rejoice ? Brides should wear mourning, 
 every family is built over this awful pit of despair, 
 and only one in a thousand escapes." 
 
 When I semi-occasionally peruse one of the 
 sermons I preached in those days of my youth, 
 I am strongly inclined to crawl into a den and 
 pull the hole in after me. I can fully believe the 
 orator who said that a stupid speech once saved 
 his life. 
 
66 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 " I went back home," he said, " last year to 
 spend Thanksgiving with the old folks. "While 
 waiting for the turkey to cook, I went into the 
 woods gunning — it would amuse me, and wouldn't 
 hurt the game, for I couldn't hit the broadside of 
 a barn at ten paces. While promenading, it com- 
 menced to rain, and not wishing to wet my best 
 Sunday-go-to-meetings, I crawled into a hollow 
 log for shelter ; at last the clouds rolled by and I 
 attempted to pull out, but to my horror, the log 
 had contracted so that I was stuck fast in the 
 hole, and I gave myself up for lost. I remem- 
 bered all the sins of my youth, and conscience 
 assured me that I richly deserved my fate ; 
 finally, I thought of a certain unspeakably asinine 
 speech which I once inflicted upon a suffering 
 audience, and I felt so small that I rattled round 
 in that old log like a white bean in a washtub, 
 and slipped like an eel out of the little pipe-stem 
 end of that old tree. I was saved ; but the audi- 
 ence had been ruined for life." 
 
 Thus often in this cruel world do the innocent 
 suffer, while the guilty go unscathed to torture a 
 confiding public with what the great apostle calls 
 the " foolishness of preaching." 
 
 This summer brought our family few smiles 
 but many tears, and the death-angel passed close 
 to our doors. My eldest brother, while at work 
 in the hayfield, was smitten by the sun, causing 
 
DREAMS OF MY YOUTH. 67 
 
 a mental aberration which made him a wanderer 
 upon the face of the earth, and finally led him to 
 cut the thread of life with his own hand ; my 
 second brother was pulled by his coat entangled 
 in a wheel, beneath a heavy load which crushed 
 his thigh. This left the rest of us to struggle as 
 best we could with multitudinous weeds striving 
 to choke the crops, and the many trials incidental 
 to wresting sustenance from the reluctant bosom 
 of mother earth. 
 
 My brother Mark, about this time took upon 
 himself the jo3's and sorrows of a family and 
 home of his own, while I assumed the care of a 
 family of forty school children in the neighbor- 
 ing town of I . 
 
 I was but " unsweetened sixteen," and lack of 
 tact and strength brought me many trials in my 
 endeavors to " teach the young ideas how to shoot 
 correctly." The usual tacks were placed in my 
 chair, causing the war-dances incidental to such 
 occasions ; the customary pranks were resorted 
 to by young America to settle the oft mooted 
 question as to who is master ; the inevitable in- 
 terference of parents followed, who as usual, re- 
 garded their children as cherubs whose wings 
 they seemed to think would soon appear were it 
 not for the tyrannical spanks of the unworthy 
 teacher. 
 
 I survived the fiery ordeal after a fashion, and 
 
68 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 that winter entered a college in the state of 
 Maine. The same old unrest came to me there, 
 wearied with the dry-as-dust lectures by the fac- 
 ulty of superannuated ministers, but I graduated 
 after a two weeks' course, and vainly endeavored 
 for three weeks to catch the divine afflatus at the 
 Theological Institution, which was supposed to 
 be necessary to enable me to rescue the perishing 
 as a preacher of the gospel. Then at the sugges- 
 tion of the president, who quickly discovered my 
 mental deficiencies, I was matriculated as a stu- 
 dent at another university founded by the breth- 
 ren of the same " Hard-shell Persuasion." I was 
 but a dreamer, in the middle of my teens, dazed 
 by conflicting opinions, but anxious to walk 
 " quo deus vocat." 
 
 " Here I stood with reluctant feet, 
 Where the brook and the river meet, 
 Manhood and childhood sweet. 
 
 " I saw shadows sailing by, 
 As the dove, with startled eye, 
 Sees the falcon downward fly. 
 
 " To me, a child of many prayers, 
 Life had quicksands, and many snares, 
 Foes, and tempters came unawares. 
 
 " Oh, let me bear through wrong and ruth, 
 In my heart the dew of youth, 
 On my lips the smile of truth." 
 
DREAMS OF MY YOUTB. 69 
 
 "With this prayer of the poet upon our lips, 
 many of us entered these " classic halls," hoping 
 to find there in communion with the good and 
 great of the past and the present, that mental 
 and spiritual " manna " from heaven which would 
 inspire us to lead ourselves and others to the sub- 
 lime heights of heroic endeavor. 
 
 " The Brook and River Meet. 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 A DISENCHANTED COLLEGIAN-PREACHER. 
 
 PREVIOUS to my arrival at this ancient seat 
 of learning, founded and endowed for the 
 perpetuation and propagation of the doctrines of 
 our denomination, I had never entertained the 
 faintest shadow of doubt as to the infallibility of 
 our creed ; but now all faith in it vanished like 
 the baseless fabric of a dream. Here at the 
 fountain head of wisdom, from which streams 
 were supposed to flow for the healing of the na- 
 tions, my faith in the beliefs of my ancestors 
 fled, nevermore to return ; here, where lived the 
 great high priests of the sect, I had expected to 
 find the whole air roseate with divine love and 
 grace, all souls lifted to sublime heights on the 
 breath of unceasing prayer and praise. 
 
 The disenchantment was appalling ; my broth- 
 ers in Christ, the grave and reverend professors, 
 were cold as icebergs, evidently caring noth- 
 ing for the souls or bodies of their Christian or 
 pagan students ; the preacher at the college 
 church was an ecclesiastical icicle, who, in his 
 
 70 
 
A DISENCHANTED COLLEGIAN-PREACHER. 71 
 
 manner at least, continually cried : " Procul,pro- 
 cul, oh, Profani ! " 
 
 The prayer meetings were dead and formal, no 
 enthusiasm ; it was like being in a spiritual re- 
 frigerator — with perhaps one exception, when, 
 through the cracks in the floor from the room of 
 a frugal freshman who boarded himself, came the 
 overwhelming stench of cooking onions, and a 
 wag brother who was quoting scripture to the 
 Lord in prayer, suddenly opened his eyes, and 
 sniffing the unctuous odors, shouted : " Brethren, 
 let us now sing ' From whence doth this onion 
 (union) arise ? ' " and roars of laughter would put 
 an end to the solemn farce. 
 
 Within the dismal college dormitories were 
 herded a few hundred youths, entirely free from 
 all moral and social restraints, abandoned to all 
 orgies into which many characters in the forma- 
 tive state are most likely to drift. I frequently 
 saw a professing Christian teacher torture with 
 biting sarcasm his brother church-member, who 
 had done his best, though he failed to grasp some 
 intricate mathematical problem, until the poor 
 fellow abandoned the college in despair. 
 
 Is it strange that I and many others lost all 
 faith in a religion that brought forth such bitter 
 fruit ? When I strayed from the lifeless dulness 
 of the college church into the light and warmth of 
 the " liberal sanctuary," where the old man elo- 
 
72 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 quently discoursed of the ascent instead of the de- 
 scent of man, and pictured the sublime develop- 
 ment of the race by heroic endeavor from the 
 animal to the archangel ; when this good man 
 welcomed us warmly as brothers to his hearth 
 and home and loaned me his silken surplice to 
 cover my seedy clothes when I delivered my ora- 
 tions at the class exhibitions, is it strange that I 
 embrace his Darwinian theory instead of the 
 mythological story of the fall of man tempted 
 by a snake in the garden of Eden ? 
 
 I usually preached on Sundays, during my four 
 years' course, in the pulpits of the surrounding 
 towns, but it was not of the total depravity nor 
 flaming brimstone ; far grander themes engrossed 
 my thoughts and speech ; the true heroism of 
 keeping ourselves unspotted from the world, the 
 sublime possibilities of our natures if we would 
 walk in the footsteps of the only perfect One 
 ever seen on earth. 
 
 By trimming the midnight lamp and ruining 
 my eyes, I won a scholarship which paid my tui- 
 tion fees and room rent, so that I was released 
 from the necessity of drawing on the hard-earned 
 savings of my father. The usual college pranks 
 were played, tubs of water were poured from 
 upper windows upon the heads of freshmen who 
 insisted upon wearing stove-pipe hats and the 
 forbidden canes ; we tore each others' clothes to 
 
A DISENCHANTED COLLEGIAN-PREACHER. 73 
 
 the verge of nakedness, and broke each others' 
 heads in frantic football rushes ; we indulged in 
 ghost-like sheet and pillow-case parades, during 
 which we fought the police and made night hid- 
 eous with yells and scrimmages with the " town- 
 ies"; we burned unsightly shanties, and thus 
 improved the appearance of the city. 
 
 We tripped up unpopular professors with ropes 
 in the night, on the icy, steep sidewalk of college 
 street, sending them bumping down the long hill, 
 hatless and with badly torn pants till they 
 brought up with dull thuds against the barber 
 shop on South Main Street ; we of course stole 
 the college bell so there was nothing to call us to 
 prayers or recitations ; we howled for hours un- 
 der their respective windows: 
 
 "Here's to old Harkness, for he is an imp of darkness ! 
 Here's to old Cax., for his nose is made of wax ! 
 Here's to old Prex — for he likes his double x ! 
 
 until some of us were thrust by the police 
 into the nauseating dens of the station- 
 house. 
 
 Thus, like pendulums, we swung twixt studies 
 and pranks till the boom of the rebel cannon 
 bombarding Fort Sumpter thundered upon our 
 ears. Suddenly our books were forgotten : the 
 university cadets unanimously tendered their ser- 
 vices to the government ; were at once accepted, 
 
74 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 and it was the proudest day of my life when, 
 as an officer in our battalion, I marched with the 
 rest to the drill camp on the historic training 
 ground. 
 
 The citizens turned out en masse to do us honor, 
 and frantically cheered us on our way to do 
 or die ; every house was gay with old glory ; our 
 best girls, inspired with patriotic fervor, ap- 
 plauded while they bedewed the streets with 
 their tears ; the air resounded with martial music 
 and the boom of saluting cannon ; the young war 
 governor, who went up like a rocket and down 
 like a stick, led the way on a prancing charger ; 
 the people vied with each other in tendering 
 hospitalities, and every corner afforded its liquid 
 refreshments. We thought it lemonade, but it 
 " had a stick in it " and, presto ! — we were no 
 longer seedy theologues, but young heroes all, 
 resplendent with brilliant uniforms and flashing 
 bayonets, marching to defend our great and 
 glorious republic. 
 
 We, unsuspecting, imbibed freely the seduc- 
 tive fluids, and soon our heads were in a whirl. 
 We wildly sang the war songs and gave the 
 college yells. It is but a step from the sublime 
 to the ridiculous. That night, Jupiter Pluvius 
 burst upon our frail tents in all his fury, and I 
 awoke the next morning half covered with water, 
 and in a raging fever. I was taken to the 
 
A DISENCHANTED COLLEGIAN-PREACHER, 75 
 
 hospital, and as I was a minor my father took 
 me from the service. 
 
 For weeks I was a wreck, and all my dreams 
 of martial glory vanished, alas, — like the many 
 which have bloomed in the summer of my heart. 
 Before I regained the little strength I ever had, 
 the war was over, but I had done my best to 
 serve my country, and the rapture of pursu- 
 ing is the prize the vanquished know. The 
 few remaining students plodded along through 
 the curriculum ; but our hearts were far away on 
 the battle-fields, from the glory of which, cruel 
 fate debarred us. 
 
 In my senior year I was forced by the necessity 
 for securing lucre to pay the increasing gradua- 
 tion expenses, to teach the high school in Bristol, 
 Conn., and returned to the university to " cram " 
 for the final examinations. For days and nights 
 the merciless grind went on until, as by a miracle, 
 I escaped the lunatic asylum. I knew but little 
 of the higher mathematics, but the "Green" 
 professor was a strong sectarian if not an humble 
 Christian, and when the hour for my private ex- 
 amination arrived, I contrived to waste the most 
 of it telling him about the Bristol Church. It 
 was near his dinner hour, and he yearned for its 
 delights to such an extent, that he did not detect 
 me in copying the "Pons Asinortim" onto the 
 blackboard from a paper hidden in my bosom, 
 
76 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 and as he glanced at the figures on the board, he 
 said : " That's right, I suppose you know the 
 rest," passed nie, and hasted to his walnuts and 
 his wine. 
 
 The good president, of blessed memory, had 
 another pressing engagement, as I well knew, 
 when I called for his examination, he asked for 
 but little, was too preoccupied to hear whether 
 my answers were correct, passed me, and my 
 " A. B." was won. 
 
 We spoke our pieces on graduation day, re- 
 joiced in the applause of our " mulierculaB," took 
 our sheepskins, and went forth from " alma 
 mater" conquering and to conquer the unsympa- 
 thizing world. I had acquired here but a modi- 
 cum of that learning which was supposed to flow 
 from this " Pierian Spring," but I rejoiced in the 
 fact that I had cast away forever my belief in 
 the " total depravity " of the human race, that in 
 " Adam's fall we sin-ned all, that in Cain's mur- 
 der, we sin-ned furder," and could now look hope- 
 fully upon my fellow-men in the full assurance 
 that 
 
 There lies in the centre of each man's heart 
 A longing and love for the good and pure, 
 
 And if but an atom, or larger part, 
 I know that this shall forever endure. 
 
 After the body has gone to decay — 
 
 Yes, after the world has passed away. 
 
A DISENCHANTED COLLEGIAN-PREACHER. 77 
 
 The longer I live and the more I see 
 Of the straggles of souls towards heights above, 
 
 The stronger this truth comes home to me, 
 
 That the universe rests on the shoulders of love — 
 
 A love so limitless, deep and broad 
 
 That men have renamed it, and called it God. 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 IN SHADOW LAND. 
 
 I HAD cherished the delusive hope that my 
 university diploma would be the open sesame 
 to any exalted position to which I might aspire ; 
 but I found there was a multitude of competitors 
 for every professional emolument, and that a 
 " pull " with the powers that be was essential to 
 secure any prize. My change in religious senti- 
 ments debarred me from the pulpit, and I had 
 no friends influential enough to give me a profit- 
 able position as a teacher in New England. 
 
 After making many applications, and enduring 
 many hopes deferred which make the heart sick, 
 I struck out for New York one dark, rainy night, 
 with only $10 in my pocket to seek my fortune 
 in that so-called " Modern Sodom and Go- 
 morrah." I knew no one in that great city, and 
 on my arrival before daylight in a dismal drench- 
 ing storm, I entered the nearest hotel to obtain 
 some much needed sleep. 
 
 A villainous looking servitor showed me to a 
 cold barn-like room where I found no way of 
 locking the door, so I barricaded the entrance 
 
 78 
 
IN SHADOW LAND. 79 
 
 with the bureau, placing the chair on top as a 
 burglar alarm. The scant bedclothes were so 
 short that one extremity or the other must freeze, 
 so I compromised by protecting the " midway 
 plaisance," and in my cramped quarters, thought 
 with envy of Dr. Root of Byfield, who was said 
 to stretch his long legs out the window to secure 
 plenty of room for himself, and a roost on his 
 pedal extremities for his favorite turkeys. 
 
 I was on the point of falling into the arms of 
 Morpheus in the land of Nod, when a stealthy 
 attempt to open the door sent the chair with a 
 crash to the floor. Yelling at the top of my 
 voice, " Get out of that, or I'll put a bullet 
 through you ! " I heard a form tumble down the 
 steep stairs, and muffled curses which reminded 
 me of the lines in the Hohenlinden poem : " It 
 is Iser (I sir) rolling rapidly." 
 
 At the first dawn of a dismal day I crept down 
 the dirty stairs, and out of the door of what I 
 learned to be one of the most dangerous houses 
 in that sin-cursed city. 
 
 The days immediately following while seeking 
 for employment were forlorn and miserable ; I 
 was the fifth wheel of a coach which no one 
 wanted. Finally, when I had spent my last cent 
 for a beggarly meal, I saw an advertisement 
 for a teacher in the reform school, and called 
 on a Mr. Atterbury, the trustee. He regarded 
 
80 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 me with a pitying eye ; told me two teachers had 
 recently been driven from the prison by the kicks 
 and cuffs of the toughest boys that ever went 
 unhung ; but if I wished to try it, he would pass 
 me to that " den of thieves." I grasped at the 
 chance like a drowning man at a straw, and that 
 very night found myself facing nearly 1,000 hard 
 looking specimens from the slums of all nations. 
 The schoolroom was a huge hall, in which, at 
 a tap of the bell, great doors were rolled on iron 
 tracks to subdivide it into many small class sec- 
 tions, each in charge of a lady assistant. The 
 organ pealed out the notes for the opening song 
 which was given fairly well ; but when I at- 
 tempted to read the Master's beginning of the 
 responsive ritual, a stalwart young giant hurled 
 a book at my head, and bedlam broke loose. I 
 jumped from the platform, seized the ringleader 
 by the hair and collar, and with a strength 
 hitherto undreamed of by me, dragged him be- 
 fore he could collect his thoughts to a closet 
 door, hurled him headlong and turned the key. 
 The boys said afterwards that fire flashed from 
 my eyes, and they thought the devil had come. 
 
 I grasped a heavy stick, used for raising the 
 windows, and told them in stentorian tones of a 
 desperate man, that I would break the heads of 
 all who were not instantly in their seats. The 
 schoolma'ams quivered with fear, but the boys 
 
IN SHADOW LAND. 81 
 
 slunk to their places and I harangued them to 
 the effect, that they could have peace or war ; if 
 peace, they would be treated kindly and be 
 taught to become successful men; if war, they 
 alone would suffer, for I had come there to stay. 
 
 I tried to inspire these poor vicious boys, con- 
 ceived in sin and born in iniquity, with the 
 thought that knowledge is power ; that many of 
 the greatest and best of earth had risen from 
 their ranks by persistent endeavor into the light 
 and liberty of the children of God ; that they 
 could become happy and successful by being and 
 doing good ; that if they would set their faces 
 resolutely towards the better life, I would gladly 
 help to the utmost of my ability. 
 
 One by one their eyes kindled with the light 
 that is never seen on sea or shore. One touch 
 of nature makes the whole world kin. They had 
 never been appealed to in that way before, and 
 the spark of goodness lying dormant in even the 
 most depraved natures, responded to the breath 
 of kindly words. 
 
 I touched the bell, the great subdividing doors 
 were rolled, and my assistants quietly proceeded 
 to the work of instruction, confident that the 
 war was over. 
 
 When I had marched my regiment to their 
 cells that night, and retired to my room, I re- 
 flected that every human existence has its mo- 
 
82 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 ments of fate, when the apples of the Hesperides 
 hang ready upon the bough, but, alas ! how few 
 are wise enough to pluck them. The decision of 
 an hour may open to us the gates of the en- 
 chanted garden where are flowers and sunshine, 
 or it may condemn us, Tantalus-like, to reach 
 evermore after some far-off and unattainable 
 good. I dreamed that the clock of fate had 
 struck the hour for me, that I had found my 
 mission on earth, and that henceforth the " Peace 
 be still" of the Master would calm life's 
 troubled sea. 
 
 In reconnoitring the island the next day, I 
 found much to admire. The great domes of the 
 massive buildings towered aloft above the encirc- 
 ling walls, like aerial sentinels warning us to lift 
 our thoughts to the blessings that come from on 
 high. The great ships went sailing by to lands 
 beyond the sea ; in front was a veritable bower 
 of paradise, apple and peach-trees fruited deep, 
 green lawns, rippling waters, fair as the garden 
 of the Lord. Every prospect pleases and naught 
 but man is vile. 
 
 The signal was given from the Harlem shore 
 for the institution's boat. I jumped on board, 
 and the strong arms of the uniformed boys of 
 our boat's crew propelled us across the river, 
 where two policemen stood on the pier guarding 
 a girl about eighteen years of age. Quick as a 
 
IN SHADOW LAND. 83 
 
 flash she pushed one of them into the water, his 
 head stuck in the mud, his legs kicking in the 
 air; then she shrieked with laughter and ran 
 like a deer up the street. The other policeman 
 and myself jumped into an express wagon, seized 
 the reins from the astonished, protesting black 
 driver, plied the whip to his horse and gave 
 chase. 
 
 " What for you dune dar ? " cried the darky. 
 
 " Shut up ! " was the only reply, and away we 
 went, Gilpin-like, with the horse on the run. 
 We headed off the girl, and after a rough-and- 
 tumble scrimmage threw her into the wagon, 
 kicking, screaming, and scratching like a wild- 
 cat. We took her by main force to the girls' 
 wing of the prison and put her into a cell. 
 
 Scarcely was I seated at the table when the 
 alarm-bell rang, and, being officer of the day I 
 ran over to inquire the cause, and found the 
 powerful young virago, our prisoner, enjoying 
 herself hugely. When the matron had been 
 handing her some food through a hole in the 
 cell, the girl shot out her arm, grabbed her by 
 the hair and with the other hand was now pull- 
 ing out the hairs by the roots, sometimes a few 
 at a time, sometimes by the handful, then she 
 would bang the official's nose against the wall, 
 then knockout blows on the face. The matron 
 was in awful agony and faint from loss of blood. 
 
84 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 Entreaty availed nothing, so I seized a dipper of 
 hot water and dashed it on the girl's naked arm ; 
 the matron fell heels over head on one side, and 
 the prisoner executed a somersault in the opposite 
 direction, then jumped to her feet, shook her fist 
 at me and swore like a pirate. 
 
 This young Amazon had been arrested in a 
 vile den kept on a house-boat in the harbor, and 
 long made life a burden for our women officials. 
 
 A careful study of the five hundred girls in 
 this reform school as compared with the one 
 thousand boys, proved clearly that women, there 
 as elsewhere, are either the best or the worst of 
 the human race. "When a girl cuts loose from the 
 angel she was intended to be, she usually de- 
 scends to the lowest possible pit of degradation ; 
 as soon as this girl in question found there was 
 nothing to be gained by her fiendish outbursts of 
 fury, she cunningly changed her tactics with her 
 pious teacher, and pretended to " be born again." 
 She ostensibly chose the Bible for her favorite 
 reading, prayed fervently, and became so circum- 
 spect in her deportment that she was promoted 
 to the position of assistant cook in the good girls, 
 division. 
 
 Here she contrived to bake into a cake a letter 
 which she gave to a visitor, who took it to one of 
 her former companions in sin, and one day, while 
 walking with her confiding teacher in the garden, 
 
IN SUA DO W LAND. 85 
 
 a boat appeared rowed by four men. Into this 
 the young hypocrite jumped, and like a " sow that 
 was washed, returned to wallowing in the mire." 
 
 In contrast to her ungrateful depravity, the 
 boy I had chucked into the closet on my first 
 night here became my firm friend, and the stroke 
 oar of my private boat crew. 
 
 One day I was taking a boat ride in the harbor 
 with two of my lady assistants and six stalwart 
 boy oarsmen, when a boat shot out at us from 
 Blackwell's Island with four villainous men and 
 two degraded women. Coming alongside, one 
 of the women said to the boys : " Throw that 
 officer overboard, and come with us ; we will get 
 you $400 a piece as bounty, then you can desert 
 from the army, and have a jolly good time." My 
 teachers fainted with fear ; my crew rested on 
 their oars, wild with desire to escape ; it was a 
 crisis. I looked them steadily in the eyes. 
 
 " Boys," I said, quietly, " when sinners entice 
 thee, consent thou not — row." 
 
 " We won't hurt you," said my leader ; " you 
 have been good to us ; let us get into that boat." 
 
 " Never," said I. " You shall not go to hell, 
 pull ! " Tbe men grabbed at me, my boys pounded 
 them off with their oars, and one of the men fired 
 two shots which whistled close to my head, but 
 the boys pulled vigorously, and we sailed away 
 amid the jeers and curses of our enemies. 
 
86 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 " Sherman," said I, to my stroke oarsman, as 
 we landed on our island, " why didn't you throw 
 me overboard ? " 
 
 " You have been kind to us," he replied, " and 
 we never go back on our friends." 
 
 I had the pleasure before I left this school, to 
 secure good positions for all my crew, and they 
 became useful men. I was soon after this pro- 
 moted to the vice-principalship of the institution, 
 and an ex-minister was appointed my first assist- 
 ant, a good man, but quite absent-minded. He 
 recalled to my memory the story of a man who 
 came home in a pouring rain, put his wet um- 
 brella into bed with his wife, and stood himself 
 up behind the door where he remained all night. 
 
 One day, when I was off duty, I went sailing 
 with two ladies through " Little Hell Gate," 
 which rushes with great fury by our island, to 
 the sea. All at once the alarm bell rang. In 
 my haste to get ashore, I ran the boat onto a par- 
 tially submerged rock, and it would have been 
 capsized, had I not jumped out onto the rock and 
 pushed it off. Down I went under the rushing 
 tide. "When I came to the surface I saw the 
 white belly of a shark, as he turned to seize me 
 in his jaws. I could almost feel his sharp teeth. 
 My head struck the side of the boat, just as the 
 ladies, with great presence of mind, grabbed me 
 by the hair, and pulled me on board. We landed 
 
IN SHADOW LAND. 87 
 
 and I rushed, puffing and dripping like a por- 
 poise, to the wall gate, unlocked it and entered. 
 
 A frightful scene was before me. Williams, 
 my assistant, was on the ground, covered with 
 blood, and around him was a crowd of the worst 
 boys in the prison, pounding, kicking, and trying 
 to snatch his keys so as to escape by unlocking 
 the gate. Luckily my bat with which I had 
 played baseball with the boys stood in the cor- 
 ner, and grabbing this I struck out with all my 
 strength, knocking down the boys right and left. 
 Just then the guard came up on the run, the 
 wounded man was carried to the hospital, and 
 his assailants locked up. 
 
 Williams, it appeared, had, in his absent-mind- 
 edness, unlocked the jail instead of the wall gates, 
 and let out upon him this horde of ruffians who 
 had been put in there for safe-keeping. He 
 finally recovered, but left the island through fear 
 of his life. 
 
 The discipline of the school was much benefited 
 by forming a school regiment, and drilling them 
 to the music of a brass band composed of the 
 boys themselves. They were as proud of their 
 uniforms, shoulder straps and accoutrements, as 
 were the old guard of Napoleon, and their ambi- 
 tion was stimulated by merited promotions from 
 the ranks. 
 
 For more than a year I thoroughly enjoyed 
 
88 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 the work of uplifting those waifs on our sea of 
 life ; they responded appreciatively to the influ- 
 ence of kindly words and acts, even as the 
 iEolian harp yields its sweetest music to the 
 caresses of the airs of heaven. It was an inspira- 
 tion to watch the blossoming of purer thoughts 
 and higher aspirations, and to feel that we were 
 cooperating with the invisible spirits in develop- 
 ing the hidden angels in this youthful army. 
 
 All at once the shadows fell, the baneful greed 
 of that organized appetite called " Tammany 
 Hall," reached out its devil-fish tentacular, which 
 neither fear God, nor have any mercy on men, 
 to seek our blood. Evil looking Shy lock-faced 
 trustees began to supplant those noble men who 
 had made this refuge a veritable gate of heaven 
 to so many more sinned against than sinning, — 
 children of the vile. These avaricious, beastly 
 emissaries of " Tammany," soon snarled at us 
 poor teachers that we must divide our small 
 salaries with them or give place to those that 
 would. Not a school book, or a shin-bone for 
 soup, could be bought unless these leeches had a 
 commission from it ; they brought enormous 
 baskets and filled them with fruit practically 
 stolen from our children, and carted them home 
 for their own cubs. 
 
 Our superintendent and chaplain were strong 
 sectarians, but very weak Christians, and they 
 
IN SHADO W LAND. 89 
 
 readily made friends of the " Mammon of unright- 
 eousness." One hot Sunday, when I was° in 
 command at chapel, the somnolent tones of the 
 chaplain, who, as usual, was pouring forth a 
 stream of mere words — words almost devoid of 
 thought, lulled a large number of my fifteen 
 hundred boys and girls into the land of dreams. 
 As soon as the services were over and I had sur- 
 rendered my flock to the yard master, I was 
 summoned before the superintendent where the 
 pious chaplain accused me of insulting him by 
 not keeping the children awake. I quietly asked 
 him how this could be done. " Go among them 
 with a rattan," said he. I told him I thought 
 the preacher deserved the rattan much more 
 than the children, that they would listen gladly 
 if he would give them anything worth hearing. 
 From that moment he was my malicious foe. 
 
 One day while returning from a row in the 
 harbor, I treated my boat's crew to apples and 
 pears from our orchard ; just then the superintend- 
 ent's whistle sounded, and I was called before 
 the trustees then in session. 
 
 " Are you aware," said he, savagely, " that the 
 rules direct that all fruit shall be gathered by 
 the head gardener, and by him alone ? " 
 
 " Yes," was my reply. 
 
 "Well, then, you were stealing, just now." 
 
 u I was simply imitating your example, sir ; it 
 
90 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 takes a thief to catch a thief." The trustees 
 roared with laughter. The president of the 
 board then asked if I had seen others stealing 
 the fruit. 
 
 " Yes, sir, the chaplain, superintendent, and 
 nearly all the trustees." 
 
 " Well," said he, " this is a den of thieves." 
 
 " All except the convicts, sir," I replied. 
 
 These incidents did not add to my popularity 
 among the sneaks whose petty slings and arrows 
 were so annoying, and so minimized my power 
 for good that I reluctantly resigned, to accept a 
 more lucrative position as teacher in an aristo- 
 cratic boarding-school located in the romantic 
 county of Berkshire, much nearer, geographic- 
 ally, to the stars. 
 
 Among our responsibilities at the reform 
 school, were many " wharf rats " — so called, 
 because having had no homes or visible parents, 
 like Topsy, they had simply "growed," and 
 slept under the wharves of the city, swarming 
 out at intervals to steal or beg for something to 
 assuage the pangs of hunger. They were vicious 
 to a degree, and at first seemed to prefer a raw 
 shin-bone that they had stolen to an abundant 
 meal obtained honestly. They would rather 
 fight than eat, and prized a penny obtained by 
 lies more than dollars secured by telling the 
 truth. Some were stupid as donkeys ; but others 
 
IN SRADO W LAND. 91 . 
 
 possessed minds of surprising acuteness. I once 
 asked one of these why he was sent to the re- 
 form school. 
 
 " Oh," was the reply, " I stole a sawmill, and 
 when I went back after the water dam the cop- 
 per scooped me in." 
 
 Another quizzed his teacher unmercifully, 
 when, in trying to teach him the alphabet, she 
 drew a figure on the board and told him it was 
 A, he called out : " How do you know that is 
 A?" 
 
 " Why, when I went to school my teacher 
 told me it was A." 
 
 " Well," said the little imp, " how do ye 
 know but what that feller lied ? " 
 
 At one of our public meetings, the superin- 
 tendent introduced as a speaker, a man by the 
 name of Holmes, and wishing to impress the 
 boys favorably, he announced him as Professor 
 Holmes. The orator was annoyed at being 
 called professor, and trying to be " funny," com- 
 menced by saying : " I am not Professor Holmes, 
 nor his man-servant, nor his maid-servant, nor 
 
 his ox, nor his ass " At this point, quick as 
 
 a flash, up jumped one of our wharf rats, and 
 shouted : " Well, if you ain't Professor Holmes' 
 ass, whose ass be ye ? " 
 
 Then the little barbarian, evidently maddened 
 by the sneering pomposity of our eloquent guest, 
 
92 
 
 THE GENTLE3IAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 strutted across the floor in perfect imitation of 
 Holmes' affected grandiloquence ; then he 
 launched into the coon song : — 
 
 " De bigger dat you see de smoke 
 De less de fire will be, 
 And de leastest kind ob possum 
 Climbs de biggest kind ob tree. 
 
 " De nigger at de camp-groun' 
 
 Dat kin loudest sing an' shout, 
 Am gwine ter rob some hen-roos' 
 Befo' de week am out." 
 
 Thus, often, from a bud seemingly withered 
 and dead, would unexpectedly blossom out an 
 unknown flower of startling brilliancy and un- 
 precedented attractiveness. 
 
CHAPTEK IX. 
 
 SUNLIGHT AND DARKNESS IN PALACE AND 
 COTTAGE. 
 
 MY pupils at the reform school were from 
 the dens and hovels of the Bowery, 
 
 while those at S were from the palaces of 
 
 Fifth Avenue ; but to my utter astonishment, 
 the children of the slums were morally and per- 
 haps intellectually superior to those of the pluto- 
 crats. I was occasionally the guest of both the 
 poverty-stricken and the millionaire parents of 
 my scholars, and I verily believe that I saw as 
 much depravity and misery in the abodes of the 
 rich as in those of the poor. 
 
 On my arrival in Berkshire County, I found 
 both of my employers were off on a spree, and 
 that I was ordered to do the work of receiving 
 and organizing. One day, a princely equipage 
 with liveried coachman and outrider halted at the 
 schoolroom door, a " bloated bondholder " and 
 his wife, arrayed in purple, line linen, and dia- 
 monds, pulled a flashily appareled, humpbacked 
 boy up to me, every lineament of whose face 
 showed depravity and cunning. " There," said 
 
 93 
 
94 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 the father, "is my d d son, he drinks, swears, 
 
 and breaks all the commandments every day. 
 Take him, and send the bill to me." He handed 
 me his card and away they went. 
 
 This was not an isolated case. I did my best for 
 them ; but they were satiated with luxury, hated 
 books, and seemed to care for nothing but de- 
 bauchery. The very next day several of these 
 scamps obtained permission to visit the cave in 
 " Bear Mountain," where ice could be found 
 throughout the year. As they did not return on 
 time, I went in search and found them all drunk. 
 They had no appreciation of the sun-kissed moun- 
 tains, waving forests, or verdure-clad valleys ; 
 the grand scenery awakened no responsive smiles, 
 no ennobling aspirations ; they were intent upon 
 nothing but drowning their ignoble souls in the 
 noxious fumes of tobacco and alcohol. I tumbled 
 them into the wagon, drove them to their dormi- 
 tory and put them to bed, lower than the beasts 
 they seemed to be in their depravity ; not all to 
 be sure, for there were a few choice spirits like 
 Julian Hawthorn, who followed to some extent 
 the example of his illustrious father, and has won 
 his spurs in literature. 
 
 I found to my disgust that bad eggs would 
 ruin the good ones ; but that many good ones 
 could not take the rottenness from even one of 
 the bad. It seemed a hopeless task to endeavor 
 
SUNLIGHT AND DARKNESS. 95 
 
 to inspire such impoverished souls, and I retired 
 in despair, to accept the principalship of the an- 
 cient academy in the village. 
 
 Here I met the children of the so-called middle 
 class, the very bone and sinew of the Republic ; 
 here I was monarch of all I surveyed, and un- 
 trammeled by the cramming regulations of the 
 public schools, I pursued the delightful avocation 
 of a true educator. E and duco is the etymology 
 of the word, to lead out, to develop the latent 
 energies of the mind. I had chemical and phil- 
 osophical apparatus with which to perform exper- 
 iments in illustrative teaching of the sciences, 
 and all were intent upon acquiring thorough, 
 practical education. 
 
 When I saw their enthusiasm lagging from 
 want of physical exercise, at the tap of the bell, 
 we would all rush out upon the beautiful campus 
 and kick football, or run races until, with glow- 
 ing faces and invigorated energies, they would 
 follow me back to our studies, sometimes into 
 the cheerful academy hall, sometimes under the 
 shade of the noble oaks, where we would study 
 botany close to nature's heart amid the songs of 
 birds and the sublime chanting of the tree-tops. 
 
 We gave musical and dramatic entertainments, 
 securing ample funds to decorate the walls of our 
 hall with works of art; we went on rides to- 
 gether in barges, drank in long draughts of in- 
 
96 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 spiration from the glorious scenery, and studied 
 geology, practically, like, if not equal to Hugh 
 Miller, among the rocks and boulders. I was 
 doing good, and here I should have remained ; 
 but the old unrest came back to me, and I un- 
 wisely accepted a much larger salary in teaching 
 in my native county of Essex. 
 
 As soon as I took command of my two hun- 
 dred boys and girls in B , I realized how vast 
 
 is the contrast between free and unrestricted 
 educating, and the grind of cramming according 
 to the ironclad rule of the public school system. 
 
 Many children are so crammed with everything 
 that they really know nothing. In proof of this, 
 read these veritable specimens of definitions, 
 written by public school children that very year 
 in another school of this town. 
 
 "Stability is the taking care of a stable." 
 
 "A mosquito is the child of black and white parents." 
 
 ' ' Monastery is the place for monsters." 
 
 "Tocsin is something to do with getting drunk." 
 
 "Expostulation is to have the smallpox." 
 
 "Cannible is two brothers who killed each other in the 
 Bible." 
 
 "Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, 
 the head, the chist and the stummick. The head contains the 
 eyes and brains, if any ; the chist contains the lungs and a 
 piece of the liver. The stummick is devoted to the bowels, of 
 which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w, and y." 
 
 Every teacher was rated according to his 
 
SUNLIGHT AND DARKNESS. 97 
 
 ability to secure from his pupils a high percent- 
 age in examinations for promotion. 
 
 I grew restless under the restraints imposed by 
 a committee of incompetents ; besides, the min- 
 ister who was chairman of the Board, considered 
 a Unitarian to be an infidel, demoralizing the re- 
 ligious life of the young. I grew tired of his 
 malicious peccadillos, and accepted a " louder " 
 call from that quaint town where the historic 
 Lloyd Ireson " with his hord horrt was torrd and 
 futhered und Korrid in a Kort by the wimmun 
 o' Marrble ed." 
 
 Here I had one hundred boys in one room, 
 many of whom went fishing in summer to get up 
 muscle to lick the schoolmaster in winter. They 
 had been quite successful in this latter industry 
 for several years in my school, and at once pro- 
 ceeded to try the same tactics with me. On the 
 first morning, I was saluted with a volley of iced 
 snow balls as hard as brickbats, and I at once 
 reciprocated these favors by knocking down the 
 leader, dragging him into the house, and giving 
 him a sound cowhiding, and when the vinegar- 
 faced committee came in later I was busily en- 
 gaged in teaching their sons to dance to this 
 same useful instrument. 
 
 These owl-like worthies sat solemnly on the 
 platform for awhile, saying no more than the 
 ugly fowls they so much resembled, and then 
 
98 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 stalked out, leaving me to my fate. A } r oung 
 Hercules fisherman at once suggested, that the 
 first business in order was to throw me out the 
 window as they had so many of my predecessors. 
 To this I stoutly objected, and seizing a big 
 hickory stick window-elevator, I swung it fiercely 
 close to their heads. This was more than they 
 had bargained for, and the uproar pro tern sub- 
 sided. 
 
 This was the winter famed in the history of 
 Massachusetts, as producing the severest snow- 
 storm ever known, and for a week I was snow- 
 bound in my boarding-house, where my bright- 
 eyed, sweet-faced cousins were most agreeable 
 substitutes for my plug-ugly pupils. 
 
 One day, this same week, the giant ringleader 
 of my assailants who had moved to baptize me 
 by immersion in the icy waters of the harbor, 
 himself, while fishing, fell through a hole in the 
 ice and was drowned. The loss of their mighty 
 general somewhat demoralized his followers, and 
 vi et armis, I managed to survive the fourteen 
 weeks' term. At the close of the first session of 
 the last day, I threw a football to my enemies, 
 who, not suspecting my trick, rushed off, kicking 
 it down the street, and when they returned in 
 the afternoon to take vengeance upon me for my 
 unprecedented rule over them, I was in the " hub 
 of the universe." I afterwards learned that my 
 
SUNLIGHT AND DARKNESS. 99 
 
 discretion was the better part of valor, for my fero- 
 cious pupils had the determination and the neces- 
 sary force to send me unshriven to Davy Jones' 
 locker. 
 
 I had never believed in the doctrine of reincar- 
 nation until I met in the city, the veritable Judas 
 Iscariot, ready and anxious to sell anybody and 
 everything for thirty pieces of silver, nickel, 
 copper, or any old thing he could pick up. This 
 Jew pretended to wish to sell one-half interest 
 in his commercial school for $2,000. I had some 
 negotiations with him, but found out, by careful 
 investigation, that he had already sold several 
 confiding teachers, who ascertained too late to 
 save their money, that this fraud was collector 
 and treasurer of all funds of the company, that 
 he required his partner to do all the drudgery, 
 and that his report always claimed that all col- 
 lections had been paid out for expenses. 
 
 He reminded me of the legend, that when the 
 devil took Christ to the top of a high mountain, 
 showed Him all the kingdoms of the earth, and 
 said : " All these things will I give you to fall 
 down and worship me." Suddenly, the face of 
 a Shylock appeared, saying : " Shentlemen, peesh- 
 ness ish peeshness, and if you can't trade, I will 
 take dat offer." 
 
 I mention this little incident hoping it may 
 prove a warning to the unwary who, like myself, 
 
100 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 may fall among the sharpers of the Modern 
 Athens. Disgusted with this business experi- 
 ence, and wishing to do good and get good, I 
 advertised, offering $50 for an acceptable posi- 
 tion as teacher, and I at once received many 
 responses from thrifty committeemen, and re- 
 tiring teachers. 
 
 I interviewed a clergyman who wanted the 
 reward in advance ; but when the time came for 
 him to deliver the goods, he had suddenly de- 
 camped in the night to avoid a coat of tar and 
 feathers from indignant parents whose children's 
 morals had been basely ruined by this wolf in 
 sheep's clothing. Others extended itching palms 
 for the money, but failed to secure for me the 
 " sine qua non" 
 
 At last, an impecunious teacher in W , 
 
 who was retiring to accept a "louder" call in 
 Boston, introduced me to his Board as a par- 
 ticular friend whom he had known for many 
 years, (he had never seen me before), and 
 vouched for me as one of the greatest of living 
 instructors. 
 
 When the three doctors, constituting the 
 school board, were about to give me a searching 
 examination, which doubtless would have floored 
 me, prearranged calls summoned them to see 
 pretended patients, and on the mercenary peda- 
 gogue's assurance that I was a university gradu- 
 
SUNLIGHT AND DARKNESS. 101 
 
 ate, they hastily signed my commission and I 
 was saved. 
 
 I shall always remember my two years' expe- 
 rience in this beautiful town, with much pleasure 
 and pride. On the opening of the school I found 
 myself looking upon over one hundred of the 
 finest appearing boys and girls I had ever beheld, 
 seated in a noble new hall well equipped with 
 organ and all the apparatus which wealth could 
 procure. 
 
 Soon after the opening exercises, the usual 
 trial of the new master commenced, and a 
 stifling, choking odor threw all into convulsions 
 of coughing, almost to strangulation. Some one 
 had thrown a large quantity of cayenne pepper 
 down the register. I quietly opened the win- 
 dows, and when the noxious fumes had passed 
 away, the new principal said : 
 
 " I feel sure that the pleasant outward appear- 
 ance of my family here is an expression of the 
 inward goodness and honor of you all, and I am 
 confident that the perpetrator of this disagree- 
 able mischief will take pride in removing suspi- 
 cion from his companions by rising in his seat 
 and apologizing for his thoughtless rudeness." 
 
 A fine, manly looking boy at once arose. 
 " Come up here, my friend, and let us talk it 
 over," I said, and he came and stood by my side. 
 " We are all brothers and sisters here, and I 
 
102 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 have no doubt you, Arthur, will now express your 
 regrets for what you have done." He did so, the 
 audience applauded, and the incident was closed. 
 
 The new master's manner was such a decided 
 contrast to that of his " knock down and drag 
 out " predecessor, that it captivated his proteges 
 at the start, and this was the only unpleasant 
 episode in my delightful intercourse with these 
 charming children. 
 
 I established a society called the " Class of 
 Honor," which soon comprised my entire family. 
 Every pupil who had no marks against him or 
 her for failures in scholarship or deportment, was 
 decorated with a blue ribbon, and when he had 
 earned and worn this for one month, he was pre- 
 sented with a handsome diamond shaped pin on 
 which was engraved the words " class of honor." 
 They were prouder of this decoration than ever 
 were the imperial guard of Napoleon of the Cross 
 of the Legion. 
 
 If a pupil failed on some point in recitation, he 
 could retrieve himself by reciting it correctly later 
 with extra information on the point, gathered 
 from the reference books, and thus he was saved 
 from humiliation and discouragement, and at the 
 same time, he was stimulated to making independ- 
 ent researches in the school and public libraries. 
 Each class of honor pupil could whisper, go out, 
 or go to the blackboards to draw or cipher with- 
 
SUNLIGHT AND DARKNESS. 103 
 
 out asking permission. The high sense of honor 
 was thus developed which is so essential to a suc- 
 cessful career. 
 
 We had a system of light gymnastics which, 
 with military drill, gave grace and erectness to 
 the carriage, and every Friday afternoon, the 
 large hall was crowded with the parents to en- 
 joy the singing, declamations, gymnastics, dramat- 
 ics, and drawing exercises, and all went merry 
 as a marriage bell. 
 
 My salary was raised voluntarily every six 
 months ; I enjoyed their games with them in our 
 ample playgrounds. We often, on holidays, 
 roamed the woods and seashore together ; I often 
 dined with them in their homes, and at picnics ; 
 on all public occasions I was one of the principal 
 speakers, and my life was an ideal one in all re- 
 spects save one. For some cause the air of the 
 valley, too often impregnated with moisture from 
 the sluggish Abajona, kept my throat in an al- 
 most chronic state of irritation, and too fre- 
 quently for days at a time, I could hardly speak 
 above a whisper. Had it not been for this one 
 serious handicap, I think I would gladly have re- 
 mained there for life. 
 
 I kept a saddle horse, and often cantered 
 twenty miles to my father's house, and my boat 
 on the lake furnished many a pleasant sail for 
 myself and pupils. 
 
104 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 One incident shows the appreciation of my 
 pupils and neighbors for my efforts in their be- 
 half. During the first campaign of General 
 Grant for the presidency, many of my pupils and 
 
 I joined the W Battalion of uniformed 
 
 and torch bearing " Tanners." "We marched to 
 the city as an escort for speakers at a Republican 
 rally. When the hoodlums smashed our lanterns 
 with rocks, our captain, the son of a distinguished 
 statesman, retreated ; but I lost my head and 
 charged the rioters, using my torch handle 
 vigorously ; I was cut off from my company of 
 which I was lieutenant, and captured by the 
 Democrats. As soon as my men realized this, 
 they rushed upon my captors en masse; many 
 heads were broken, but I was rescued and carried 
 to the train on the shoulders of my heroic de- 
 fenders. 
 
 If my foresight had been half so good as my 
 
 hindsight, I would never have left W , but 
 
 the tempter came in the form of an offer of a 
 
 much larger salary from N , and I foolishly 
 
 accepted. 
 
 The change from W to IS" , was 
 
 like that from breezy, sunny green fields, where 
 wild birds sang their free, joyous songs, and 
 where wild flowers bloomed free as air exhaling 
 their sweet perfumes, to the suffocating air of a 
 hothouse where the birds drooped in cages and 
 
SUNLIGHT AND DARKNESS. 105 
 
 where the few flowers were forced into existence 
 by steam heat and unsavory fertilizers. In the 
 former the people were social, natural and free 
 from the trammels of tyrannical fashions ; in the 
 latter they were cold, distant, and valued you 
 according to the size of your bank account and 
 the number of your horses and servants. In the 
 one the teachers were educators, free to develop 
 superior methods along their own original lines ; 
 in the other they were mere machines to carry 
 out the ironclad rules of the opinionated prec- 
 edent-hunting school board. 
 
 In the former all seemed like one great family 
 sympathizing and loving ; in the latter the newly- 
 rich set the pace of ignoble luxury and display ; 
 while the others aped their ways which led many 
 to bankruptcy, poverty, and misery. In the one 
 you were free from all social ostracism if you 
 worshipped according to the dictates of your own 
 conscience ; in the other you were ignored and 
 disliked unless you attended and contributed 
 liberally for the support of the palatial orthodox 
 church. 
 
 I was early told that I would fail if I persisted 
 in attending the little Unitarian church ; but I 
 preferred failure to hypocrisy, and would not 
 sell my birthright of conscience for a mess of 
 pottage. Two of my ancient, sour-faced assistants 
 were bigoted members of the fashionable church, 
 
106 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 and at once set me down as a corruptor of youth 
 because I was an advocate of the liberal faith. 
 The venomous spite of one of these forcibly sug- 
 gested the spirit of the inquisition, and one day 
 she found her blackboard decorated with the fol- 
 lowing truthful poem, suggested by her spirit 
 and the first syllable of her name : 
 
 "Old Aunt Dunk 
 Is a mean old skunk." 
 
 She flew into a furious rage, declared that some 
 Unitarian must have perpetrated this insult, and 
 that I must find the culprit. 
 
 She never forgave me because I failed to do 
 so, and at her urgent solicitation the minister, 
 after great exertion, secured a few signatures to 
 a petition for my discharge on the plea that I 
 chewed tobacco and expectorated on the floor in 
 the presence of my class. As I easily proved 
 that I never chewed tobacco, and as my patrons 
 presented an overwhelming protest, the prayer of 
 the petitioners was unanimously refused by the 
 school board. 
 
 It would have been laughable had it not been 
 so serious and pitiful, to see the frantic attempts 
 of the poor in this town to keep up appearances, 
 and counterfeit the style of those who had grown 
 rich by cheating widows and orphans in bucket 
 shops and stock gambling. The little minnows 
 
SUNLIGHT AND DARKNESS. 107 
 
 put on all the snobbish airs of the whales who 
 had grown so large by devouring all the small 
 fish in their business seas. 
 
 One pillar of the church, who was a cashier, 
 ruined his bank by stealing money to enable him, 
 for a while, to live in an elegant house and sup- 
 port servants, equipages, silks and diamonds 
 galore. For a time he was the idol of the town, 
 while he gave costly dinners and showered his 
 ill-gotten gains to embellish his favorite temple, 
 and to build a tower upon it to look down in 
 contempt upon all the lesser shrines. 
 
 He barely escaped the sheriff at night-time, 
 and fled beyond the seas, leaving his showy fam- 
 ily to poverty and the ill-concealed derision of 
 those who worshipped them while they were 
 supposed to be rich. 
 
 Such as these made life very uncomfortable for 
 me, and at the end of my year, I left in disgust ; 
 never again to resume the profession in which I 
 had spent so many years of my somewhat check- 
 ered existence. My life seemed a failure ; I re- 
 flected long upon the question of the Psalmist, 
 " "What is man ? " and here are the answers 
 which I culled from many thoughtful poets, 
 whose names are appended to their several replies. 
 
 In this grand wheel, the world, we're spokes made all ; — 
 (Brome.) 
 He who climbs high, endangers many a fall ; — (Chaucer.) 
 
108 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 A passing gleam called life is o'er us thrown, — {Story.) 
 
 It glimmers, like a meteor, and is gone. — (Rogers.) 
 
 To-morrow's sun to thee may never rise — (Congreve.) 
 
 The flower that smiles to-day, to-morrow dies — (Shelly.) 
 
 And what do we, by all our bustle gain ? — (Pomfret.) 
 
 A drop of pleasure in a sea of pain. — (Tupper.) 
 
 Tired of beliefs, we dread to live without ; — (Holmes.) 
 
 Yet who knows most, the more he knows to doubt. — (Daniel.) 
 
 Princes and lords are but the breath of kings. — (Burns.) 
 
 And trifles make the sum of human things. — (More.) 
 
 If troubles overtake thee, do not wail ; — (Herbert.) 
 
 Our thoughts are boundless, though our frames are frail. — 
 (Percival.) 
 
 The fiercest agonies have shortest reign ; — ( Bryant. ) 
 
 Great sorrows have no leisure to complain. — (Goffe.) 
 
 One touch of nature makes the whole world kin, — (Shakes- 
 peare. ) 
 
 For we the same are that our sires have been ;— (Knox. ) 
 
 Nor is a true soul ever born for naught, — (Lowell.) 
 
 Yet millions never think a noble thought. — (Bailey.) 
 
 Good actions crown themselves w T ith lasting bays, — (Heath.) 
 
 And God fulfils Himself in many ways. — (Tennyson.) 
 
 The world's a wood in which all lose their way — (Bucking- 
 ham.) 
 
 A fair where thousands meet, but none can stay ; — (Farckes.) 
 
 To sport their season, and be seen no more, — (Coioper.) 
 
 Till tired they sleep, and life's poor play is o'er. — (Pope.) 
 
CHAPTEK X. 
 
 ADVENTURES IN MOSQUITO-LAND. 
 
 AT the close of the school in July, 1870, a 
 friend of mine, Doctor B , of Boston, 
 
 and I, attracted by the alluring prospectus of a 
 new town near Plymouth, North Carolina, vis- 
 ited that place via the Merchant's and Miner's 
 steamship line. 
 
 I wrote an account of this pleasure excursion, 
 which was widely copied by northern newspapers 
 in which I figured as the professor and he as 
 the doctor, while both of us combined were 
 called the " Shoo-Fly Club." I quote some ex- 
 tracts from the description of this remarkable 
 excursion. 
 
 " On the early morning after our arrival in the 
 Southland, doctor and professor, after a brief 
 sojourn in the arms of Morpheus, awoke to a con- 
 test which was enough to daunt the stoutest 
 heart. 
 
 " Mosquitoes to the right of them, mosquitoes 
 to the left of them, black flies above them, black 
 flies beneath them, buzzed and stabbed with a 
 
 109 
 
110 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 vengeance. We lay under our netting appalled 
 at the profanity and ferocity of our foes, caught 
 in a trap from which there seemed to be no es- 
 cape. The breakfast-bell rang and rang, but we 
 dared not venture out among our bloodthirsty 
 foes, for an array of bristling bayonets was 
 thrust through the bars long enough to hang our 
 clothes on, and fierce enough to suck every drop 
 of blood from our trembling limbs, and our only 
 consolation was that our invariable diet of ' hog 
 and hominy ' had so reduced the vital fluid, that 
 our tormentors would starve though we were 
 slain. 
 
 " At length a brilliant thought flashed across 
 the mind of the doctor. ' The shoo-fly — the shoo- 
 fly,' said he ; why didn't we think of that ? and 
 out he went for his carpetbag, pulled out some 
 suspicious looking bottles labeled with the mys- 
 tic words, and made for the bed, entirely covered 
 with a ferocious cloud of the aforesaid ' skeeters ' 
 and flies stabbing him for dear life. We then 
 proceeded to anoint our bodies with this prep- 
 aration, which the doctor declared to be a 
 panacea for all human ills ; then completely clad 
 in our armor, we sallied forth to the crusade. 
 Down came the fiends ; they cared not for 'shoo- 
 fly,' cared not for blows, and our visions of for- 
 tunes to be realized from our new discovery 
 vanished away, but not so our tormentors. 
 
ADVENTURES IN MOSQUITO-LAND. Ill 
 
 " Regardless of Mrs. Grundy, regardless of 
 everything save life, the professor fled, down 
 over the stairs he fled, pants and unmentionables 
 flying in the air, to the astonishment of the con- 
 traband servant girls, for the bath-house — here 
 at length plunged beneath the flood he found re- 
 lief. After copious ablutions the professor went 
 back for his friend, but the valiant doctor had 
 retreated behind the bars, resolved there to 
 starve rather than again to face his foes. 
 
 " After much parleying the doctor's desire for 
 hog and hominy overcame all his fears, and the 
 club marched to breakfast. Here two servant 
 girls armed with long fans, fought a cloud of 
 the famished varmints, while the club swallowed 
 hoe cake covered with a copious lather of the 
 flies of the season. At length our appetites or 
 rather we ourselves, were conquered, and retired 
 in disgust, leaving our foes to bury their dead 
 and divide the spoils of war. 
 
 " Our host, who is a true gentleman from 
 Pennsylvania, then ordered the darkies to har- 
 ness the span. After the inevitable delays 
 which always attend everything that the fif- 
 teenth amendments have undertaken to do, we 
 rode out to view the country ; and we now con- 
 gratulated ourselves that our troubles were at an 
 end, but they had but just commenced. Our 
 host had a lame hand, and the professor volun- 
 
112 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 teered to drive ; our friends, the varmints, now 
 confined their kind attentions almost exclusively 
 to the horses, which they butchered unmercifully. 
 Oh, such roads ! Boys of New England, if you 
 sigh for ' sunny ' North Carolina, go ; go by all 
 means, and you will return satisfied that old 
 Massachusetts, with all its east winds is a para- 
 dise compared with what we saw in the 'old 
 North State,' or in the ' Old Dominion.' 
 
 " But to our journey. The horses floundered 
 through quagmires covered in some places with 
 logs, which toss and tumble you till every bone 
 aches, floundered and swam through streams 
 reeking with scum from the cypress swamps ; the 
 roads are about six inches wider than your car- 
 riage, and the professor found himself obliged to 
 avoid the sharp corners of fences, on either side 
 the deep ditches on whose very edge ran the 
 wheels ; to urge his horses over stumps and fallen 
 trees ; to whip them over long snouts of pros- 
 trate pigs who refused to budge an inch ; to 
 jump them over chasms running dark and deep 
 across his path and to spur them down sharp, 
 perpendicular pitches which threatened to break 
 every bone in his body. 
 
 " Here and there we saw a few logs piled up 
 together, flanked by mud and sticks, and dignified 
 by the name of house ; the naked piccaninnies 
 rolled in the dust, and the poor-white scowled as 
 
ADVENTURES IN MOSQUITO-LAND. 113 
 
 he lifted his hat, while we worried our miserable 
 way along. 
 
 " Now, by the departure of our friend to look 
 after his business, the doctor and the professor 
 were thrown upon their own resources for enjoy- 
 ment. After shooting at the wild pigs for a 
 while, finding there was great danger of their 
 being melted down into their boots, they threw off 
 their clothes, and regardless of moccasins, re- 
 gardless of spiders and the whole race of poison- 
 ous vermin, they plunged to their necks into the 
 ditch by the roadside. For long weary hours we 
 wallowed till the welcome form of our host ap- 
 peared, and we recommenced the pitching and 
 stumbling of the dangerous return voyage of this, 
 our pleasure trip. 
 
 " For miles the tall, slender pine and cypress- 
 trees festooned with moss and enormous Scup- 
 pernong grape-vines, were unbroken by a single 
 clearing or a single shanty. The Scuppernong 
 grapes, by the way, are a great luxury ; from 
 these are made a wine equal to anything that can 
 be found (we believe) in the world. One vine is 
 found on Koanoke Island, which is two miles 
 in length, covers several acres of land, and was 
 planted by Sir Walter Ealeigh's expedition, cen- 
 turies ago. For miles that afternoon, we wan- 
 dered up and down the country seeking for 
 water fit to drink and finding none ; looking at 
 
114 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 the droves of rollicking darkies, making collec- 
 tions of souvenirs, gazing at the good-looking 
 crops of corn, cotton, sweet potatoes, and still 
 fighting the aborigines, the flies. 
 
 " We have seen some toothsome things in the 
 South, some beautiful scenes, but at this season 
 of the year, at least, the flies and mosquitoes 
 ruined all as thoroughly as the harpies of olden 
 times defiled the feast of the wandering Trojans. 
 
 " The great gala-day of Jamesville has dawned, 
 to-day the great Norfolk steamer honors the town 
 with its presence ; everybody (and some more) 
 comes down to the wharf to see the wonderful 
 sight. Here are groups of ' F. F.'s ' puffing their 
 
 long pipes and talking the everlasting ' d n 
 
 nigger ' ; there are crowds of ' fifteenth amend- 
 ments ' laughing and frolicking like children, and 
 here, too, the flea-bitten, mosquito-stabbed, black- 
 fly tortured Doctor B. and Professor F., looking 
 northward as the pilgrim to his loved and far-off 
 Mecca. A scream, a hurrah, a waving of hand- 
 kerchiefs, and away we go out of the howling 
 wilderness, all that is left of us, and but little 
 indeed that is. 
 
 " The Astoria is but a wretched tub, and we 
 crawl along at the rate of four or five miles per 
 hour, halting here and there to avoid the wrecks 
 of the war, panting for breath, longing, ' as the 
 heart panteth for the water-brook,' to see once 
 
AD VENTURES IN 3I0SQ VITO-LAND. 115 . 
 
 more the shores of our beloved New England. 
 Never will this excruciating sail be forgotten. 
 All day — all night, for long, long, weary hours, 
 the wretched little steamer groaned and screamed 
 its melancholy way over the yellow, nasty Koanoke. 
 
 "Hour after hour we sat gazing at the tall 
 cypress-trees and the long trailing mosses, look- 
 ing like the pale sickly shrouds enveloping a dead 
 and ruined world. Here and there we saw huge 
 nests of the size and shape of a barrel, and near, 
 on the ruined branch of a lightning-struck tree, 
 perched on its topmost bough, the great bald 
 eagle of the South, keeping his sleepless watch 
 and ward, while the wife-bird tended the house- 
 hold gods below. Deadly moccasins and huge 
 turtles lay listless in the sun, and hundreds of 
 bushels of blackberries were wasting their sweet- 
 ness on the desert air. Now and then there 
 came to us like an inspiration from heaven the 
 ecstatic music of the mockingbird, carrying 
 shame and despair to the breasts of all the other 
 warblers of the aerial choir. 
 
 "Nothing could be more inspiring than the 
 notes of this charming singer, as we listened to 
 them here amid these melancholy swamps ex- 
 haling the sickly miasma beneath this blighting 
 sun, with not a breath of air to lift the blood red 
 banners of the trumpet creepers, or to cool the 
 fevered brow. Melancholy wailings are heard 
 
116 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 from the swamps, and the waves in parting, look 
 like fields of fire. The winds come to us, but 
 with them no refreshing, for they came over mile 
 after mile of suffocating, reeking lagoons, stifling 
 with the hot breath of the miasma. 
 
 " Every now and then the Kip Van Winkle 
 machinery breaks down, and for hours we are 
 motionless, listening per force to the terrific 
 cursing and pounding in the Vulcanic realms be- 
 low. At length the sun, not like the rosy-fin- 
 gered Aurora, daughter of the dawn, but like a 
 huge red monster intent on devouring the world, 
 shoots at us his blighting, withering lances of 
 scorching heat. We touch once more at Ply- 
 mouth, which greets us with its usual entertain- 
 ment of murderous fleas, death-dealing water- 
 melons and chain-lightning whiskey. Our ten 
 minute touch here lengthened into three horrid 
 sweltering hours owing to the fact, that the in- 
 telligent contrabands were paid by the hour for 
 ' toting ' the cargo ; but off we are at last, thank 
 heaven, and at length we enter the great canal 
 leading to the North River of Norfolk. 
 
 " With chat and jest we were worrying away 
 the leaden-winged hours, when suddenly thug, 
 splash, and like a huge turtle we were flounder- 
 ing in the mud. ' No moving,' said the captain, 
 ' till the tide comes up ; ' and so for three mortal 
 hours we lay stuck in the mud at the edge of the 
 
ADVENTURES IN MOSQUITO-LAND. 117 
 
 great dismal swamp of Virginia. ' Ah,' said the 
 mate, ' there is the scene of many a horror, there 
 the nigger was torn limb from limb by the blood- 
 hounds, there the runaway slave chose to endure 
 starvation and death amid deadly snakes and 
 miasma rather than comfort in bondage ; there I 
 myself saw crowds of black men swinging from 
 limb to limb like monkeys over reeking scums to 
 their fever-haunted dens to escape the lash.' 
 
 " Thus was the story of Mrs. Harriet Beecher 
 Stowe verified by one of Virginia's own sons. 
 All the fearful word paintings of Dred floated 
 again before our mental vision, and we thanked 
 God that the old horror of slavery is passed, and 
 that the old flag now floats indeed ' o'er the land 
 of the free and the home of the brave.' 
 
 "But these hours of waiting, like all things 
 earthly, at length had their end, and just as the 
 moon gilded the cypress-trees with golden glory, 
 the wheels began to move and we again worried 
 our tortuous way up the North River. 'Ah,' 
 said the melancholy-looking man who had been 
 long gazing in silence at the sad waves below, 
 1 alas, here I am, friendless and alone in this 
 wretched country, peddling beeswax and eggs for 
 hog and hominy, chills and fever ; but I was 
 once a schoolmaster with $1,200 a year, down in 
 Connecticut ; wine and women did it. But,' said 
 he, ' I'll be rich yet — I've got it — I've discovered 
 
118 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 perpetual motion, and the world will honor me 
 yet.' 
 
 " ' Wish you would apply it to this old tub at 
 once,' said the professor ; and the forlorn peddler 
 went his way to cherish visions of coming glory. 
 Just then we were electrified by a cheer from the 
 doctor, as the lights of Norfolk flashed over this 
 splendid harbor, yet to float the commerce of a 
 great city. 
 
 " We bade farewell without a single regret to 
 the old tub Astoria, and entered the narrow 
 streets, reeking with the horrors of a thousand 
 and one stenches, stumbling over the prostrate 
 forms of sleeping negroes to the hotel, where we 
 indulged once more in the luxury of a bath, which 
 the nasty water of North Carolina had forbidden 
 for many weary days. Suddenly the city was 
 aroused by the roll of drums and the shouts of hun- 
 dreds, calling to a mass meeting in Court House 
 Square. Thither we followed the crowd, listening 
 for awhile to the blatant Southern orators roar- 
 ing about the future greatness of the ' Mother of 
 Presidents,' deploring the reign of carpet-baggers 
 and calling for a white man's government amidst 
 the shouts of the great unwashed ; while the sons 
 of Ham looked silently and sullenly on. 
 
 " We gladly responded to the steamer's shrill 
 call and sailed away to our home in the great 
 and glorious North." 
 
CHAPTER XL 
 
 IN ARCADIE. 
 
 I GLADLY returned, like a tired child, to the 
 kindly faces and hearty greetings of my 
 loving and much loved father, mother, brothers, 
 green fields, and all the beautiful children of 
 summer. 
 
 " Born where the night owl hooted to the stars, 
 Cradled where sunshine crept through leafy bars ; 
 Reared where wild roses bloomed most fair, 
 And songs of meadow larks made glad the summer air, 
 
 " Each dainty zephyr whispers follow me, 
 Ten thousand leaflets beckon from each tree ■ 
 All say, ' why give a life to longings vain ? 
 Leave fame and gold : come home : come home again.' 
 
 " I hear the forest murmuring ' he has come ' 
 A feathered chorus' joyous welcome home ; 
 Each flower that nods a greeting seems a part 
 Of nature's welcome back to nature's heart." 
 
 The old home was much changed, and for the 
 better. With much patient toil, the unsightly 
 rocks and stumps had been removed from the 
 fields which sloped gracefully to the little river 
 and were covered with tall, waving, luxuriant 
 
 119 
 
120 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 grasses, starred with buttercups, clover, and 
 daisies. The dilapidated house and barn had 
 given place to modern buildings; apple, pear, 
 and peach-trees, covered with fragrant blossoms 
 were substituted for their decayed and skeleton 
 prototypes ; the narrow, crooked, muddy lane, 
 where horses and wagons had struggled through 
 the knee-deep, and often hub-deep sticky clay, 
 had become a firm and fairly straight highway. 
 
 My house in the tree on the hilltop, where I 
 had often rehearsed my orations and sermons 
 in such stentorian tones that the amazed cows 
 lifted their tails on high and took to their heels, 
 welcomed me back embowered in leafy new- 
 grown branches. 
 
 My second brother, realizing that as "unto 
 the bow the cord is, as unto the child the mother, 
 so unto man the woman is — useless one with- 
 out the other," had taken unto himself a good 
 wife, the daughter of the deacon, our next 
 neighbor. My mother thus had a much needed 
 helper, as their farms, like their owners, were 
 joined in wedlock. 
 
 The worthy deacon and my deeply religious 
 father alternately led the family devotions, and 
 peace and comfort prevailed. The mowing 
 machine, horse-hoe, corn-planter and power-rake 
 dispensed with the drudgery of the scythe and 
 back-breaking hand tools. A protective tariff 
 
I Rehearsed My Orations with Startling Effect. 
 
IN ARCADIE. 123 
 
 had set the mill wheels rolling in the neighbor- 
 ing cities, thus furnishing excellent markets for 
 all the products of the farm. The sky-scraping 
 shoe manufactories, where men, like automatons, 
 delved night and day for a few weeks and then 
 leaving them to semi-starvation for the rest of 
 the year, had not yet arrived. 
 
 One of my brothers had, like most of the 
 farmers of that day, his little shop where in 
 winter he coined a few hundred dollars making 
 boots and shoes, and where I earned many 
 precious pennies, blackballing the edges and 
 occasionally pegging by hand, all of which is 
 now done by machinery. 
 
 We could now afford occasional holidays, 
 when we all gaily sailed down the river, dug 
 clams, caught lobsters in nets, regaled ourselves 
 with toothsome chowders, broils and stews in 
 the open air, and had many rollicking good 
 times swimming in the breakers, frolicking, old 
 and young, like children. We pitched our tents 
 on old Bar Island, slept on the fragrant hay at 
 night, played ball, and renewed our youth in- 
 haling deep draughts of the salty wind which 
 bloweth in from the sea. 
 
 When sailing home one day with a wet sheet, 
 a flowing main, and a breeze following far abaft, 
 we espied a boat submerged to the gunwhale 
 floating out to sea. Throwing our yacht up into 
 
124 THE GENTLEMAN FR031 EVERYWHERE. 
 
 the wind, we took the craft in tow to the land- 
 ing, and were surprised and delighted beyond 
 measure to find it nearly half full of fine large 
 lobsters, held there by a wire netting. For 
 weeks we and all the neighbors held high 
 carnival boiling and eating the luscious crust- 
 aceans. 
 
 We had much merriment one day on a fishing 
 excursion at the expense of a parsimonious mem- 
 ber of our crew. At first he alone pulled in the 
 much prized tomcods and flounders. " Well," 
 said he, " I think we better go in, each one for 
 himself." " All right," was the reply, but soon 
 stingy ceased to catch any, while the rest of us 
 pulled in the fish as fast as we could throw the 
 hooks. Mr. Greedy looked very solemn, and at 
 last, unable to repress his selfishness longer, 
 shouted : " I think we better share all alike ! " 
 "Too late," was the chorus, and while he carried 
 home but a beggarly string, the rest rejoiced in 
 our great abundance. 
 
 These seem like little incidents, light as airy 
 nothings, but they come back to memory in the 
 twilight of life when other and greater events 
 are all forgotten. 
 
 When the crops were all harvested, and the 
 winds and snows of winter shut me out from my 
 woodland, river, and seashore haunts, I grew 
 weary of the monotony of the indoor country 
 
IN ABCADIE. 125 
 
 life, and once more went to the city of Boston 
 in the endless quest of the unattainable. 
 
 Restless as the sea, we are never satisfied this 
 side the stars ; but we are all looking forward to 
 that sweet by and by, " as the hart panteth for 
 the water brook." 
 
 I shall be satisfied, not here, not here 
 
 Not where the sparkling waters fade into mocking 
 sands as we draw near, 
 Where in the wilderness each footstep falters, 
 
 I shall be satisfied ; but, oh, not here. 
 
 Not here, where every dream of bliss deceives us, 
 Where the worn spirit never finds its goal, 
 
 But haunted ever by thoughts that grieve us, 
 Across our souls floods of bitter memories roll. 
 
 Satisfied, satisfied, the soul's vague longing, 
 The aching void, which nothing earthly fills, 
 
 Oh, what desires upon my mind are thronging, 
 As my eyes turn upward to the heavenly hills ! 
 
 Shall they be satisfied, the spirit's yearning, 
 For sweet communion with kindred minds ? 
 
 The silent love that here meets no returning, 
 The inspiration, which no language finds ? 
 
 There is a land, where every pulse is thrilling, 
 With rapture, earth's sojourners may not know, 
 
 Where heaven's repose the weary heart is stilling, 
 And peacefully earth's storm-tossed currents flow. 
 
 Far out of sight, while yet the flesh enfolds us, 
 Lies that fair country, where our hearts abide, 
 
 And, of its bliss, naught more wondrous is told us, 
 Than these few words, I shall be satisfied. 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 FROM PHILISTINE TO BENEDICT AND A HONEY- 
 MOON. 
 
 THE fates, who lead the willing and drive the 
 unwilling, guided me to the old time firm 
 of B. & T. publishers. They were overwhelmed 
 with applications from the great army of the 
 impecunious, and did not wish to pay any more 
 salaries; but "mercy tempers the blast to the 
 shorn lamb," and they persuaded me, by a tender 
 of large profits on their Worcester's Dictionaries, 
 to strike out on my own hook and endeavor to 
 induce a reluctant public to buy these instead of 
 the popular dictionaries written by " Noah Web- 
 ster who came over in the ark." 
 
 The special prices granted by the publishers 
 enabled me to undersell the wholesalers, and by 
 securing their adoption as regular text-books by 
 school boards, I made more money than ever be- 
 fore in my life, sometimes from $25 to $100 per 
 day, consequently the firm finding I was filling 
 the markets and my own pockets so that they 
 had no sales at regular prices, hired me at a 
 
 126 
 
FROM PHILISTINE TO BENEDICT. 127 
 
 liberal salary as representative of all their pub- 
 lications. 
 
 In this business I won my " double stars," al- 
 though the competition was intense. I often 
 found as many as twenty agents at the same 
 time and in the same town, log-rolling with 
 school committees for the adoption of their 
 books, the merits of the publications " cut but 
 little ice." Nearly every school official " had his 
 price," wanting to know what there was in his 
 vote for him, and the agent who best concealed 
 the bribery hook by dining and wining teachers 
 and committeemen, filling their libraries with 
 complimentary books and their pockets with 
 secret commissions, " caught the most fish." 
 
 "When among Eomans, I was, much to my dis- 
 gust, obliged to do as Eomans did. I would often 
 go to cities where my opponent's readers or arith- 
 metics had been adopted the night before, point 
 out the defects of rival publications, give an un- 
 abridged dictionary to each official, offer a ten 
 per cent, commission to the " king pin," take the 
 board in a hack to their headquarters, secure a 
 reconsideration, telegraph for my books, and the 
 next day with express wagons and helpers, put 
 our readers into every school in the town. 
 
 This was sharp practice, prices were cut, until 
 finally, we gave new books in even exchange for 
 old ones, trusting to future sales to reimburse us, 
 
128 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 but when they needed another supply, they 
 would swap even with another publisher, so that 
 our bread cast upon the waters never returned. 
 
 We often secured " louder calls " for influential 
 teachers and clergymen in reciprocation for their 
 votes, bought anything they had to sell at their 
 own prices until many publishers became bank- 
 rupt ; the big fish swallowing the little ones, and 
 then came the survival of the longest purse. 
 
 One evening, after my day's work in the city 
 
 of G was ended, being lonesome in my hotel, 
 
 I thought of a family residing there who had a 
 
 summer residence in R , and concluded to 
 
 renew my acquaintance with the eldest daughter 
 with whom I had enjoyed many rides and sails, 
 and to whom I had quoted many romantic poems 
 the previous season. 
 
 With fear and trembling, for I was always a 
 bashful youth, I rang the door bell, and was 
 ushered into the parlor where I caught my first 
 glimpse of a fair-haired, rosy-cheeked, graceful 
 younger sister to whom, at a glance, I knew I was 
 married in heaven. 
 
 Whence came that vital spark blending our 
 souls in one ? Had we lived and loved on some 
 fairer shore ? Who can tell ? Had our spirits 
 been wandering through the universe millions of 
 years seeking each the other, nor finding rest 
 until we met ? Only the angels know. 
 
FE03I PHILISTINE TO BENEDICT. 129 
 
 All we knew and all we seemed to care to 
 know was that at last each had found the " alter 
 ego " for which it pined. There were no others 
 on earth — father, mother, sister, brothers, came 
 and went almost unheeded. Strange as it may 
 seem, on this evening of our first meeting, we 
 told each other the old, old story, first told in 
 Eden, reiterated by millions since, and will con- 
 tinue to be rehearsed until Gabriel through his 
 trumpet sounds the final love song to the world. 
 
 With favoring winds, o'er sunlit seas, 
 We sailed for the Hesperides, 
 The land where golden apples grow ; 
 But that, ah that was long ago. 
 
 How far, since then, the ocean streams 
 Have swept us from that land of dreams, 
 That land of fiction and of truth, 
 The lost Atlantis of our youth. 
 
 Ultima Thule, utmost isle, 
 Here in thy harbors for a while, 
 We lower our sails ; awhile we rest 
 From the unceasing, endless quest. 
 
 For a long time I had divided homes and a di- 
 vided heart, one at the old home with the old 
 folks, the other in the city by the sea. 
 
 In our new-born and first-born enthusiasm, we 
 applied to Mary's parents for an early union of 
 hands as well as hearts ; but they wisely insisted 
 upon a year's interim, promising that, if at the 
 
130 TEE GENTLEMAN FROM EVEBYWEERE. 
 
 end of this trial time our ardor had not cooled, 
 they and the minister would " bless you my chil- 
 dren," and our hearts should beat as one for- 
 evermore. 
 
 The course of true love never did run smooth, 
 and when the claiming day arrived, Mary's 
 mother told me that she had been credibly in- 
 formed that another girl had a prior claim to my 
 promised hand. I protested in vain, and, as the 
 daughter was invisible, I left the house in a 
 rage. 
 
 A week, which seemed like a century, passed 
 by on leaden wings in which I strove to drown 
 my sorrows in the " flowing bowl " of hard work, 
 and foolish declarations that " I didn't care " ; 
 
 then came a kind letter from Alderman B , 
 
 gracefully apologizing for his wife's mistaken 
 assertions, stating that " Mary was giving them 
 no peace day or night," and inviting me to call 
 at my earliest convenience. 
 
 The very next train took me to the old familiar 
 trysting-place, once more the white-winged clove 
 
 of peace brooded over the B mansion, and 
 
 we all, especially the parents, fully realized that 
 in order to appreciate heaven we must have at 
 least seven days of hell. 
 
 Shortly after, at the home of the bride's par- 
 ents, we twain were made one in the presence of 
 numerous friends and presents ; the old shoes 
 
FROM PHILISTINE TO BENEDICT. 131 
 
 and rice were duly showered, and we were off 
 for a month's tour, and a lifelong honeymoon. 
 
 During this wedding tour, at the request of my 
 employers, I combined business with pleasure, 
 the firm generously paying all our expenses, and 
 continuing my salary. 
 
 We visited many cities, greatly enjoying their 
 varied attractions ; but the business part of our 
 journey, which was collecting large sums of 
 money due for books, was not particularly de- 
 lightful, as the banks had all suspended specie 
 payments as a result of the " green back craze," 
 and I was often obliged to resort to legal 
 measures and attachments of property, to secure 
 from reluctant book sellers the sums long over- 
 due. 
 
 At one hotel we met with an adventure which 
 well-nigh proved serious. I was awakened at 
 night by the flash from a bull's eye lantern, a 
 sense of suffocation and a scream from my wife. 
 A masked burglar was before me, pressing to my 
 face a handkerchief saturated with chloroform, 
 and endeavoring to take from under the mattress 
 a large sum of money which I had collected the 
 day before. 
 
 "No noise," said he, "your money or your 
 life." 
 
 "All right," said I quietly, "I'll get it for 
 you." He stepped back a pace, I quickly pulled 
 
132 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 from under the pillow my self-cocking revolver, 
 and fired in rapid succession. 
 
 His pistol exploded at nearly the same time, 
 he dropped to the floor, his light vanished, and 
 for a time all was darkness and suspense. I ex- 
 pected another bullet any moment, and seeing 
 nothing to fire at myself, feared to jump from 
 the bed lest I be seized by invisible hands of the 
 desperate villain. Then came shouts and pound- 
 ing upon the door by neighbors aroused by the 
 uproar. Encouraged by the reinforcements, I 
 struck a light but the ruffian had escaped through 
 the open window on to a piazza roof, thence by 
 a pillar to the ground. 
 
 Then we were besieged by excited inquirers, 
 and the rosy-fingered Aurora, daughter of the 
 dawn, appeared before the calm which succeeded 
 the storm. 
 
 Shortly after our return from this journey, a 
 great light went out on earth to shine in heaven. 
 My wife's father suddenly left the body, — he did 
 not die, for 
 
 There is no death, what seems so is transition, 
 
 This life of mortal breath 
 Is but a suburb of the life Elysian, 
 
 Whose portal we call death. 
 
 Alderman B was a gentleman of the 
 
 old school, a loving father, a very successful 
 
FROM PHILISTINE TO BENEDICT. 133 
 
 business man, managing marine railways, ship- 
 building and repairing, as well as grain mills. 
 "We missed him sadly ; but were consoled by the 
 reflection that our great loss was his eternal 
 gain. 
 
 My eldest brother, and two of my brother 
 Mark's children, at about this time crossed the 
 same bright river and rested under the shade of 
 the celestial trees. 
 
 Myself and wife had intended to live in 
 
 G , but as her father was gone, and as she 
 
 had formed a strong mutual attachment for my 
 family, my wife the following summer took much 
 pleasure in building a handsome cottage nearly 
 opposite my father's house, and on a beautiful 
 lot of land given us by my brother. We formed 
 a literary and musical club, which met weekly at 
 our house, making it the social centre of the en- 
 tire town. 
 
 I was elected chairman of the school com- 
 mittee, and proceeded vigorously in a crusade 
 against ignorance ; but soon found that the life 
 of a reformer is crowned with more thorns than 
 roses, a thousandfold ! I removed incompetent 
 teachers who, by their silly question and answer 
 methods, were producing parrots — not scholars. 
 
 On one occasion, when I substituted a trained 
 normal school graduate for a useless dancing doll 
 who had made herself popular by flattering 
 
134 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 parents and coddling their children, all pupils 
 were withdrawn from the school. I told the new 
 teacher to ring the bell, take in sewing if she 
 wished, and draw her salary even if she was left 
 alone in her glory ; then I notified the parents 
 that unless they at once sent their children to 
 the school, I should have the pupils arrested for 
 truancy, and themselves fined for violating the 
 laws of the state. Moral suasion had failed ; but 
 the strong arm of the law prevailed, and they 
 soon acknowledged that the new instruction was 
 the best they had ever had in the district. 
 
 Much time had hitherto been worse than wasted 
 by cramming the minds with the jaw-breaking 
 names of unimportant rivers, mountains, descrip- 
 tions of all the frog ponds in Ethiopia, and other 
 useless trash in the so-called geographies ; in 
 memorizing the obsolete rules of duodecimals, 
 compound proportion, etc., in the arithmetic ; 
 long-winded, unpractical rules for grammar, etc. 
 
 I issued a circular eliminating this trash from 
 the course of study, substituting the practical 
 short cuts of modern business principles, and in 
 this, also, I met with opposition from the " moss- 
 backs," who insisted that what they had learned 
 in the year one was good enough for their chil- 
 dren ; they wanted no " new-fangled " notions. 
 
 They reminded me of the way-back-hard-shell 
 preacher whose hymn book had been stuffed with 
 
FROM PHILISTINE TO BENEDICT. 135 
 
 profane poems by some lewd fellows of the baser 
 sort. He always opened at random and, trusting 
 to divine guidance, read the first hymn that pre- 
 sented itself ; he commenced : " We will sing to- 
 gether the one thousand three hundred and forty 
 'leventh hime." 
 
 '"All around the cobbler's bench the monkey chased the 
 weasel — ' " 
 
 He was amazed ; the congregation was dumb- 
 founded. Taking off his spectacles, wiping them 
 carefully, he put them on his nose again, gazed 
 at the book in consternation : " Well," said he, 
 " I never seed that hime in this yer hime-book 
 before ; but the Lord put it in, and we'll sing it 
 whir or no," and proceeded : 
 
 " 'The preacher kissed the cobbler's wife, pop goes the weasel. ' " 
 
 As I have said before, it requires a surgical op- 
 eration to get progressive ideas through our thick 
 heads ; but the knife was used freely by me, and 
 I had the satisfaction as well as the odium of in- 
 fusing much young blood into the worn out edu- 
 cational body during my two years' service as 
 school superintendent in this town. 
 
 A few of us wasted our money in building a 
 new church, dedicated to the teaching of the ad- 
 vanced thoughts of the liberal faith ; but the peo- 
 ple were joined to their idols, and it is now de- 
 
136 TEE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 serted, though the " little leaven has largely leav- 
 ened the whole lump " of the ancient hell fire 
 theology. 
 
 It is very, very hard to endure the slings and 
 arrows of the jealous and envious for whose good 
 you are toiling ; to be slandered and reviled by 
 your neighbors whose feeble intellects fail to ap- 
 preciate your strenuous efforts to push forward 
 the car of progress in their midst ; but the conso- 
 lations expressed in this poem bring balm to 
 every wounded spirit. 
 
 "I know as my life grows older, 
 
 And mine eyes have clearer sight, 
 That under each rank wrong, somewhere, 
 
 There lies the root of right. 
 That each sorrow has its purpose 
 
 By the suffering oft unguessed; 
 But as sure as the sun brings morning, 
 
 Whatever is, is best. 
 
 ' ' I know that each sinful action, 
 
 As sure as the night brings shade, 
 Is some time, somewhere punished, 
 
 Though the hour be long delayed. 
 I know that the soul is aided 
 
 Sometimes, by the heart's unrest, 
 And to grow, means often to suffer ; 
 
 But whatever is, is best. 
 
 " I know there are no errors 
 In the great eternal plan, 
 And all things work together 
 For the final good of man. 
 
FROM PHILISTINE TO BENEDICT. 
 
 137 
 
 And I know when my soul speeds onward 
 
 In the grand eternal quest, 
 I shall say. as I look earthward, 
 
 Whatever is, is best." 
 
CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 THE ANGELS OF LIFE AND DEATH. 
 
 BY and by unwonted silence and anxiety 
 reigned in our house. The family doctor 
 remained all night, then a faint cry was heard, 
 and little baby May came into this world of ours, 
 
 " The gates of heaven were left ajar ; 
 
 With clasping hands and dreamy eyes, 
 Wandering out of paradise, 
 She saw this planet, like a star ; 
 We felt we had a link between 
 This real world and that unseen. ' ' 
 
 These beautiful lines of one of the sweetest of 
 earth's singers, came to us like a new revelation 
 at the advent of our first-born, as also those other 
 immortal words — 
 
 ' ' Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting, 
 The soul that rises with us, our life's star, 
 Hath had elsewhere its setting, 
 
 And cometh from afar. 
 Not in entire forgetfulness 
 And not in utter nakedness, 
 But trailing clouds of glory do we come 
 From heaven, which is our home. ' ' 
 
 Our little vocalist commenced rehearsing for 
 her chosen profession the very minute that she 
 
 138 
 
THE ANGELS OF LIFE AND DEATH. 139 
 
 first saw the light, and she certainly continued 
 the development of her lungs with marvelous per- 
 sistency. Then her numerous grandparents, un- 
 cles, and aunts all vied with each other in petting 
 and spoiling the one pet lamb of the several fam- 
 ilies, and she basked in the sunshine of unlimited 
 affection. 
 
 A few bright years sped by, all roseate with 
 love, prosperity and contentment in this happy 
 valley. Then two little cherubs, just alike as 
 " two peas in a pod " came to us at dawn of day, 
 like twin rays from the rising sun, their blue 
 eyes beaming with smiles which have continued 
 ever since. 
 
 "We named them Ada and Ida: but were 
 obliged to label them to tell "which was which," 
 and said label is essential for distinguishment to 
 this very day, though twenty-four bright sum- 
 mers have passed since the sight of them first 
 gladdened our hearts. 
 
 But almost with the sunbeams came the terri- 
 ble cloud overspreading all our lives. The 
 mother had scarcely welcomed the twin buds of 
 promise, when she faded away like a flower and 
 was 
 
 "Gone beyond the darksome river, 
 Only left us by the way ; 
 Gone beyond the night forever, 
 Only gone to endless day ; 
 
140 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 Gone to meet the angel faces, 
 Where our lovely treasures are; 
 
 Gone awhile from our embraces, 
 Gone within the gates ajar." 
 
 There seemed to be no light left on earth ; the 
 sun was blotted out forever, 
 
 Oh glory of our youth that so suddenly decays ! 
 
 Oh crimson flush of morning that darkens as we gaze ! 
 
 Oh breath of summer blossoms that on the restless air 
 
 Scatters a moment's sweetness, and flies we know not where ! 
 
 " A boat at midnight sent alone 
 To drift upon the moonless sea ; 
 A lute whose leading chord is gone ; 
 A wounded bird that hath but one 
 Imperfect wing to soar upon, 
 
 Are like me 
 Oh loved one, without thee ; ' ' 
 
 but the pitiful wailings of the twin girl babies 
 called me back to earth again, and I took up the 
 cares of existence, though they seemed greater 
 than I could bear. 
 
 The largest church in the village was filled to 
 overflowing with sincere mourners, for the sweet 
 face of the departed had brought good cheer into 
 many darkened households in our town. All 
 sectarian barriers were for the time burned away 
 by the flame of sympathy, and wonderful to tell, 
 the Universalist clergyman who married us was 
 allowed to pronounce the eulogy in an orthodox 
 Congregational church. 
 
THE ANGELS OF LIFE AND DEATH. 141 
 
 When the organ pealed the requiem and 
 the choir chanted the ever dear words of the 
 hymn — 
 
 "Only waiting till the shadows are a little longer grown," 
 
 and closing with the triumphant expression of a 
 deathless faith; it required but a little imagina- 
 tion to see the light streaming through the open 
 door of heaven, and to hear the responses of the 
 angel choir from the great cathedral on high, and 
 we wended our homeward way thinking not of 
 "dust to dust, ashes to ashes," but of the disem- 
 bodied spirit to be our guardian angel for- 
 evermore. 
 
 " Faith sees a star, and listening love hears the 
 rustle of a wing." Infinitely sad was the pass- 
 ing of our beloved, to those left in the earth-life ; 
 but soothingly comes to us the song chanted by 
 the choir invisible whenever a soul escapes the 
 mortal coil : 
 
 " Passing out of the shadow, 
 Into a purer light ; 
 Stepping behind the curtain, 
 Getting a clearer sight. 
 
 " Laying aside a burden, 
 This weary mortal coil ; 
 
 Done with the world's vexations 
 
 Done with its tears and toil. 
 
142 THE GENTLEMAN FB03I EVERYWHERE. 
 
 "Tired of all earth's playthings, 
 Heartsick and ready to sleep — 
 Eeady to bid our friends farewell, 
 Wondering why they weep. 
 
 "Passing out of the shadow 
 Into eternal day — 
 Why do we call it dying, 
 This sweet going away?" 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 TRIBULATIONS OF A WIDOWER. 
 
 BUT we must descend from the sublime to the 
 stern realities of this workaday world. 
 Of all the people on this earth, a lone, lorn 
 widower with three babies on his hands, is the 
 most forlorn and miserable. Take care of them 
 himself he cannot, and if he hires the ordinary 
 woman to do so, she immediately sets her cap for 
 him, and leaves no stone unturned to secure him 
 for a husband, especially if he is possessed of 
 some of this world's goods which she covets with 
 all her mind and soul. 
 
 Words are inadequate to describe the annoy- 
 ances I endured for two weary years from this 
 class of women, who seemed to be the only ones 
 who would come to a lonely country home to 
 assume such responsibilities and endless labors. 
 The world seemed full of these anxious but not 
 aimless women, who claimed to adore little 
 children ; but who really cared for nothing except 
 to capture a " widower with means." 
 
 One nurse carelessly slipped on the stairs, and 
 
 143 
 
144 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 the twins went flying from her arms through the 
 air down the long passageway, apparently to 
 their death ; only a miracle saved them. I picked 
 up the little wingless cherubs, scarcely bigger 
 than my fist, and their blue eyes smiled at me, 
 as if they had really enjoyed their aerial flight. 
 
 They seemed to have a charmed and charming 
 existence ; they were the admiration of all the 
 people far and wide who flocked to our house to 
 see and fondle the really "heavenly twins." My 
 business kept me from home nearly all the time ; 
 but my father, mother, brother, and sister-in-law 
 kindly watched my caretakers with argus eyes, 
 and the so-called triplets throve wonderfully day 
 by day. 
 
 Whenever in my absence, my good childless 
 brother and his wife found one of my hired 
 women unworthy, he would tell her to pack her 
 trunk, then he would drive her to the depot, 
 banish her from the town over which he long 
 reigned as chairman of the selectmen and State 
 representative, telegraph me to hunt up another 
 one, and thus the road to the station was nearly 
 worn out, and the railroad receipts were greatly 
 augmented. 
 
 One of these women, while I was far away, 
 greatly scandalized the whole town by leaving 
 the " light infantry " to their fate one Sunday, 
 and indulging in the pious delights of shooting 
 
TRIBULATIONS OF A WIDOWER. 145. 
 
 wood-chucks. My indignant brother and his 
 father-in-law deacon disarmed the jezabel, made 
 her sleep in the barn that night, sent her off 
 flying the next morning, and personally, tenderly 
 as mothers, watched over the children until I 
 arrived with another nurse. 
 
 One woman whipped little May secretly with a 
 stick ; but the victim's wonderful lungs aroused 
 my mother who, reinforced by the entire family, 
 overpowered the virago, and sent her off on the 
 next train. It is evident from these thrilling 
 recitals that I was not a good mind-reader of 
 woman character ; but they were as sweet as 
 angels when I was at home, and evidently the 
 unwonted self-restraint to thus appear reacted 
 very forcibly when the widower was out of sight. 
 
 I vowed in my wrath that I would never again 
 speak to a woman outside my own immediate 
 family. I tried in vain to hire men nurses, and I 
 sympathized with Paolo Orsini, who slipped a 
 cord around the neck of Isabella di Medici, and 
 strangled her ; I almost envied Curzon of Simo- 
 petra who had never seen a woman. But I soon 
 found that this misanthropy was unjust, that I 
 misjudged the pure depths of life's river by a 
 little dirty froth floating upon the surface. 
 
 Women can no more be lumped together in 
 level community than men can be. There is an 
 ample variety of tenacious womanly characters 
 
146 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 between the extremes marked by Miriam beating 
 her timbrels, and Cleopatra applying the asp ; 
 Cornelia, caring for nothing but her Roman 
 jewels ; Guyon, rapt in God ; Lucrezia Borgia 
 raging with bowl and dagger, and Florence 
 Nightingale sweetening the memory of the 
 Crimean war with philanthropic deeds. 
 
 What group of men can be brought together 
 more distinct in individuality, more contrasted 
 in diversity of traits and destiny, than such 
 women as Eve in the garden of Eden, Mary at 
 the foot of the cross, Rebecca by the well, Semi- 
 ramis on her throne, Ruth among the corn, Jeza- 
 bel in her chariot, Lais at a banquet, Joan of 
 Arc in battle, Tomyris striding over the field 
 with the head of Cyrus in a bag of blood, Per- 
 petua smiling on the lions in the amphitheatre, 
 Martha cumbered with many cares, Pocahontas 
 under the shadow of the woods, Saint Theresa in 
 the Convent, Madame Roland on the scaffold, 
 Mother Agnes at Port Royal, exiled DeStael 
 wielding her pen as a sceptre, and Mrs. Fry 
 lavishing her existence on outcasts ? 
 
CHAPTEK XT. 
 
 FAITH SEES A STAR. 
 
 ONE day I was introduced by a friend to a 
 very attractive lady school-teacher, who 
 combined with superior domestic training, elocu- 
 tionary and musical accomplishments. She was 
 so sincere and sympathetic that I found myself 
 almost unconsciously expressing the same senti- 
 ments that I had spoken to another long ago in 
 the city by the sea. 
 
 The love which I supposed had passed on for- 
 ever to the other world, seemed to be sent back 
 to me through the opening clouds of evening by 
 my self-sacrificing spirit bride, to give to another 
 who would love and cherish the helpless little 
 ones who so needed a mother's care. 
 
 I poured forth all my sorrows, troubles, per- 
 plexities and needs to a congenial, sympathetic 
 spirit, and she consented to go to my home and 
 take up the burdens which the ascended mother 
 had been required by the angel-world to lay 
 down. 
 
 On the arrival of the new housekeeper, order 
 was evolved out of chaos ; the children received 
 
 147 
 
148 THE GENTLEMAN FBOM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 the best of care, and the horse a much needed 
 rest after his arduous labors in carting to and 
 from the depot the numerous hired women who 
 had been "weighed in the balance and found 
 wanting." In the following month of roses, 
 Lillian concluded that my " first glance " attach- 
 ment was reciprocated ; we were married in her 
 father's house at Allston; we enjoyed a brief 
 tour of the White Mountains, and then settled 
 down in our cottage to our life work. The peace 
 of God, which always comes, sooner or later to 
 those who strive to do their duty, was ours, and 
 the inspiration of Whittier's sweet poem " My 
 Psalm " brought infinite consolation to our blended 
 lives. 
 
 " I mourn no more my vanished years ; 
 Beneath a tender rain, 
 An April rain of smiles and tears, 
 My heart is young again. 
 
 " All as God wills, who wisely heeds 
 To give or to withhold, 
 And knoweth more of all my needs 
 Thau all my prayers have told. 
 
 " All the jarring notes of life 
 Seem blending in a psalm, 
 And all the angles of its strife 
 Slow rounding into calm. 
 
 " And so the shadows fall apart, 
 And so the sunbeams play ; 
 And all the windows of my heart 
 I open to the day. ' ' 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 ON THE POLITICAL STUMP. 
 
 I HAD always been somewhat prominent in 
 politics, being President of the Republican 
 Club in our town, and that autumn I was hired 
 by Dr. George B. Loring to conduct his campaign 
 for the position of Representative in Congress ; 
 this I accomplished so successfully that Judge 
 Thayer, the chairman of the State Committee, 
 hired me to stump the Commonwealth against 
 General Butler and in favor of the Hon. George 
 D. Robinson as candidate for Governor. This 
 campaign will long be remembered as being the 
 most fiercely contested of any in the political his- 
 tory of Massachusetts, and many incidents in my 
 career as a public speaker are much pleasanter in 
 the reminiscence than in the endurance. One 
 will suffice by way of illustration. 
 
 Free speech was not tolerated by our frantic 
 greenback opponents, and stale eggs with decayed 
 cabbages hurled at the heads of Republican ora- 
 tors were the strongest arguments used by the 
 General's admirers to combat our appeals for 
 protective tariff and sound money. At a meet- 
 
 149 
 
150 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 ing of our state committee in Boston, Judge 
 Thayer announced that General Hall of Maine, 
 one of our most brilliant speakers, could not 
 reach Rockport, where he was billed to hold 
 forth, before ten o'clock that evening, and called 
 for volunteers to hold the audience for two hours. 
 Rockport was almost solid for Butler, and his 
 friends had declared that no Republican should 
 speak there, consequently no one volunteered. 
 At last, the Judge, in despair, said : 
 
 " Foss, will you go ? " 
 
 " I shall obey orders," was my reply, amid 
 cheers of the much-relieved shirkers, and I bolted 
 for the train. 
 
 On arriving at my destination, I found the sta- 
 tion crowded with a howling mob, and the Re- 
 publican town committee were frantically shout- 
 ing: "General Hall, General Hall!" "Here," 
 said I, and only by the vigorous aid of the clubs of 
 the police was I hustled through the embattled 
 hosts to a hack, which took me to the hall where 
 I walked on the shoulders of a friendly uniformed 
 club to the platform, which I finally reached with 
 torn apparel and in a condition of almost physical 
 and mental collapse. 
 
 The "hail to the chief," by the band was 
 drowned by the cat-calls: "Put him out!" — 
 ' Duck him ! " — " Ride him on a rail ! " etc., etc., 
 Yells of the Butlerites who had packed the hall. 
 
ON THE POLITICAL STUMP. 151 
 
 At last I got my " mad up," and rising, I lighted a 
 cigar, puffed vigorously, and smiled upon my up- 
 roarious foes. This astonished the "great un- 
 washed," and a big Irishman jumped on the 
 stage, shouting : 
 
 " Shut up, shut up, byes ! Let's hear what the 
 cuss has to say ; he's a cool un." 
 
 There was silence. Taking out my cigar, I 
 laughed long and loud. 
 
 " What you laughing at ? " howled the mob. 
 
 " This reminds me," said I, very slowly, " of a 
 little story." 
 
 " Out with it," was the response. 
 
 "When I was a teacher in Marblehead," 
 drawled I, "I had occasion to wallop a boy with 
 a cowhide. I made him touch his toes with his 
 fingers and laid on the braid where it would do 
 the most good ; the more I whaled him the more 
 he laughed. I laid on Macduff with a ' damned 
 be he who first cries hold, enough,' determina- 
 tion, and yet he laughed. ' What you laughing 
 at ? ' cried I. ' Oh, ha, ha, ha, you're licking the 
 wrong boy,' giggled the unspeakable scamp. It's 
 just that way here. You gentlemen are licking 
 the wrong boy ; I am not General Hall, at all, I 
 am Lieutenant-General Ulysses S. Grant." The 
 crowd roared : " He's a good un, let's hear him — 
 ha, ha, ha, he's a good un," and for two hours 
 I had as good-natured an audience as you ever saw. 
 
152 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 " You say you don't want a protective tariff ; 
 you don't want sound money. Well, you remind 
 me of the man who killed his father, mother, 
 brothers, sisters, and when condemned to death 
 he begged the judge to have mercy upon a poor 
 orphan. You have killed the tariff twice, and 
 nearly every mill wheel stopped, and you and I 
 had to beg from door to door or live on dry 
 crackers and shin-bones. Do you want that 
 kind of provender again ? Butler says, ' give us 
 greenbacks by the ton, and everybody will be 
 rich.' You tried that once and you carried your 
 money to market in a bushel basket, and brought 
 back the dinner you bought with it in a gill 
 dipper. Do you want any more such times ? " 
 
 "Be Gorrah," cried my big Irish friend, 
 " that's so : I rimimber it well. I'd forgut it ; 
 the bye's right, he is." 
 
 " Yes," I yelled, " Butler says he'll leave the 
 Republican party out in the cold. It reminds 
 me of the old farmer who rushed outdoors in 
 his bed-shirt, bareheaded and barefooted in win- 
 ter, grabbed a barking dog who was disturbing 
 his rest, by the ears ; his wife came down to 
 hunt him up. ' What on airth, father, you 
 doin' ?' she cried, as she saw his knees knocking 
 together, and his teeth chattering with the cold. 
 'I've gut the cuss,' he shouted, 'and I'll hold 
 him here till he freezes to death.' 
 
ON THE POLITICAL STU3IP. 153 
 
 " You'll hold your employers out in the cold, 
 will you ? Well, who'll freeze to death first if 
 you stop the factories ? The owners who have 
 plenty of money, or you who are dependent upon 
 the work they give you for every cent you get ? 
 General Butler who lives in a palace, and drives 
 a kingly equipage tries to frighten you by paint- 
 ing the bugaboo ; ' the rich growing richer, and 
 the poor growing poorer,' that soon a half-dozen 
 plutocrats will have all the money there is in the 
 world, and then the rest of the people will all 
 starve. It reminds me of the old farmer who 
 set up such an outrageous looking scarecrow in 
 his field that the crows not only let his present 
 corn alone, but they actually brought back in 
 their terrible fright all the corn they had stolen 
 in the previous ten years. Are we craven crows 
 to be scared by such windy effigies ? " 
 
 Thus having caught their attention by light 
 weight stories, I gave them broadsides of facts 
 and arguments until I won the greatest political 
 fight of my life. We won a famous victory ; the 
 workers, as usual, were soon forgotten ; the 
 elected exulted in their brief authority ; the de- 
 feated at once began log-rolling for the next 
 election, and so the office hunting strife goes on 
 forever. After this I resumed the work of my 
 crusade against ignorance and bad literature, 
 having had my pockets well filled by those 
 
154 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 who are always eager to trade money for 
 fame. 
 
 Our home was three miles from the railroad 
 station, and the wintry winds with deep snows 
 made the frequent journeys to and fro over the 
 bleak, uncomfortable country roads, extremely 
 cold and often hazardous. 
 
 I had endured for years these alternate freez- 
 ing and roasting rides for the pleasure of living 
 near the old folks ; but now the numerous colds 
 and coughs resulting from the exposure drove 
 me to move nearer to the depot, and we bought a 
 large three-story house with barn and fourteen 
 acres of land on High Street in the city of 
 N . 
 
 We rejuvenated our old castle with paint, new 
 boiler and paper, letting loose upon our devoted 
 heads numerous fevers and other diseases which 
 generations had stored up on the walls, all eager 
 for new victims. Strange it is, that all bad 
 things are so contagious and so long-lived to pun- 
 ish the innocent for the sins of the guilty. 
 
 Upon me, the descendant of a long line of 
 farmers, fell the agricultural fever, and I broke 
 my own back as well as that of the hired man, 
 cultivating that sterile soil where my potatoes 
 cost me about a quarter of a dollar a piece, and 
 each blade of grass, sickness and much hard- 
 earned cash. We made the old place to bud and 
 
ON THE POLITICAL STUMP. 155 
 
 blossom like the rose, but the game as usual was 
 not worth the candle, and an ulcerated sore 
 throat which some predecessor had breathed upon 
 the paper which we tore off, left me a walking 
 skeleton, when ex-Congressman Loring, then 
 United States Commissioner of Agriculture, came 
 to my relief by appointing me his deputy for 
 Florida at a good salary, to investigate and re- 
 port upon the developed and undeveloped resour- 
 ces of that State, and its attractions for northern 
 settlers. I gladly accepted this commission to 
 serve my country, for — 
 
 Somewhere the sun is shining, 
 I thought as I toiled along 
 In the freezing cold of the winter, 
 Yes, somewhere the sun is shining 
 
 Though here I shiver and sigh, 
 Not a breath of warmth is stirring 
 
 Not a beam in the arctic sky. 
 
 Somewhere the thing we long for 
 
 Exists on earth's wide bound, 
 Somewhere the heat is cheering 
 
 While here winter nips the ground. 
 Somewhere the flowers are springing, 
 
 Somewhere the corn is brown, 
 And is ready unto the harvest 
 
 To feed the hungry town. 
 
 Somewhere the twilight gathers, 
 
 And weary men lay by 
 The burdens of the daytime, 
 
 And wrapped in slumber lie. 
 
156 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 Somewhere the day is breaking, 
 And gloom and darkness flee ; 
 
 Though storms our bark are tossing, 
 There's somewhere a placid sea. 
 
 And thus, I thought, 'tis always 
 
 In this mysterious life, 
 There's always gladness somewhere 
 
 In spite of its pain and strife ; 
 And somewhere the sin and sorrow 
 
 Of earth are known no more ; 
 Somewhere our weary spirits 
 
 Shall find a peaceful shore. 
 
CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THAT EDDYFYINO CHRISTIAN SCIENCE. 
 
 THIS season there broke out in our com- 
 munity, as elsewhere, what has always ap- 
 peared to me, to be a distemper, misnamed by its 
 crafty creator, " Christian Science." Unchristian 
 scienceless would be a more appropriate name, as 
 the so-called divine revelation was made to its 
 Eddyfying high priestess about 1800 years after 
 the sublime career of Christ was ended, and its 
 preposterous claims antagonize every principle of 
 modern science. 
 
 This craze seized certain discontented young 
 women who studied " Science and Health " under 
 the tutorage of its author, and they soon became 
 too transcendental to perform the useful duties 
 of life, posing as teachers of the " utterly utter." 
 It monopolized the feeble intellects of some 
 farmers' boys, who at once began to try to get a 
 lazy living by sitting beside sick women with 
 their hands over their eyes, ostensibly engaged 
 in prayer, but really endeavoring to prey upon 
 the weak minded. 
 
 157 
 
158 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 Some superstitious people who had been long 
 under the care of a regular physician, and who 
 were just at the turning point of receiving benefit 
 therefrom, took an " Eddy sitting " and jumped 
 to the conclusion that said mummery affected a 
 miraculous cure. 
 
 As a drowning man clutching at a straw, I 
 confess that I accepted the offer of treatments, 
 made by a pleasant lady "Christian science" 
 doctor. I found it tolerably agreeable to sit by 
 her side, holding her soft hand while she assumed 
 an attitude of supplication, but my malady was 
 in nowise benefited thereby. This amiable lady 
 finally loaned me a copy of their sacred book 
 called " Science and Health," expressing the 
 opinion that a careful reading thereof would 
 renew my youth and make me a believer in their 
 modern Eleusinian mysteries forever. 
 
 I read this preposterous book with all the 
 earnestness and prayerfulness of which I was 
 capable ; but found it to be a heterogeneous con- 
 glomeration of words — mere words, a hodge 
 podge of all the exploded philosophical, religious, 
 and scientific heresies of the past ages, so cun- 
 ningly jumbled that the gullible, unable to find 
 any meaning to it, conclude that it is too pro- 
 found for their comprehension, and unwilling to 
 acknowledge the fact for fear of being called 
 ignorant, solemnly pronounce it to be great. 
 
TEAT EDDYFYING CHRISTIAN SCIENCE. 159 
 
 One quotation will reveal the utter nothing- 
 ness of this book, from the sale of which " Pope 
 Eddy " is said to have realized a half-million 
 dollars. Says this modern goddess : " The word 
 Adam is from the Hebrew Adamah, signifying 
 the red color of the ground, dust, nothingness. 
 Divide the name Adam into two syllables, and it 
 reads a dam or obstruction. This suggests the 
 thought of something fluid, of mortal mind in 
 solution." 
 
 Like all the other humbugs of superstition, 
 this new doctrine seems to me to contain but a 
 single drop of truth submerged in an ocean of 
 folly. Mary Baker G. Eddy, the great high 
 priestess, claims to possess the power to heal the 
 sick and raise the dead ; yet she has retired with 
 much lucre to her palatial residence, lives like a 
 queen, rolling in luxury, refusing to exercise her 
 pretended healing power upon the thousands 
 writhing in agony and whom she claims to be 
 able to cure. Surely her " Key to the Scrip- 
 tures " should thunder in her ears the anathema, 
 " To him who knoweth to do good and doeth it 
 not, to him it is a sin." 
 
 I, too, claim a great discovery, a new " sacred 
 book," which I have been inspired to write, and 
 if people will give it the implicit faith required 
 to benefit by " Christian Science," I will guar- 
 antee to cure all mental ills, and to bring eternal 
 
160 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 peace on earth. I herewith give my revelation 
 to all, without money and without price, in 
 strong contrast to the mercenary methods of the 
 Eddy healers. My " science and health " is mul- 
 tum in parvo. Here it is : 
 
 Columbus discovered the new world ; but his 
 wife discovered the old world. The name of 
 his wife, of course, was Columba, which in Latin, 
 means a dove. Columba, the dove, flew forth 
 from the ark, and so discovered the Eastern Con- 
 tinent. Columbus sailed from G — noa ; but Co- 
 lumba sailed from Noah, and when the gods saw 
 her with the olive-branch, they said " blessed 
 be the dove, for whosoever shall receive her by 
 faith into his heart, the same shall be free from 
 unrest and from war forevermore." 
 
 Faith can remove mountains, and faith is all 
 there is to " Christian Science," so far as we have 
 been able to ascertain. We concede to its many 
 devotees an almost unlimited amount of this 
 saving grace ; but sincerely claim that our 
 " Columba science " will be equally efficient for 
 good if received in the same spirit which has 
 greeted the new gospel promulgated by Saint 
 Mary Baker G. Eddy. Selah. 
 
CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 IN THE LAND OF FLOWERS. 
 
 AFTER these scientific investigations, my 
 wife and I left New England covered 
 with snow and swept by fierce, freezing winds to 
 find this far-famed peninsular basking in delicious 
 sunshine, the air full of the exquisite perfume of 
 orange blossoms and the songs of rejoicing birds. 
 It was an enchanted land, the balsamic odors 
 from the beautiful evergreen pine forests 
 starred by the fragrant magnolia blossoms of 
 spotless white, exorcised the ulceratic demons 
 from throat and lungs. 
 
 We feasted upon the delicious fruits and vege- 
 tables fresh from the trees and earth, and the 
 returning healthy appetite was refreshed by 
 tender venison, wild turkeys and quails from the 
 woods, nutritious and abundant fish and ducks 
 from the lakes and rivers. It was a new heaven 
 and a new earth, full of gladness and semi- 
 tropical luxuries. 
 
 As soon as the hospitable people learned that 
 I represented our beloved Uncle Sam, I was 
 
 163 
 
164 THE GENTLE3IAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 overwhelmed with free passes and free hotels, 
 anywhere and everywhere. 
 
 The Count De Barry, who had amassed a vast 
 fortune as the American representative of 
 " Mum's Extra Dry," and who had received 
 numerous valuable seeds and shrubs from our 
 generous department, took us on his palatial 
 steamer for hundreds of miles up the lordly St. 
 John's River, where we feasted our eyes upon 
 acres of wild ducks, pelicans, cranes and many 
 huge, lazy alligators floating on the waves, re- 
 joicing in the life-giving beams of the sun. 
 
 The stately trees along the banks, old when 
 Adam was a baby, were covered with flowering 
 vines of wondrous beauty and fragrance; then 
 vast orange groves appeared covered with blos- 
 soms, small and ripe fruit all at the same time ; 
 numerous herds of cattle standing knee deep in 
 the water, leisurely browsing upon the river 
 plants both on the surface and under the shallow 
 river. 
 
 We would anchor, and throwing a clasp-net 
 which spread out on the bottom and then closed 
 like a purse, we pulled in excellent fish by the 
 hundreds ; sitting on the canopied deck we shot 
 ducks which the negroes captured in small boats, 
 and soon served cooked for our delectation ; pine- 
 apples and berries were brought from the shore, 
 in fact, it was a lotus-eater's dream of paradise, 
 
IN THE LAND OF FLO WEBS. 165 
 
 and seemed to be a land and a river " flowing 
 with milk and honey." 
 
 The words from Willis' confessional came 
 floating to our minds. 
 
 " On ocean many a gladsome night, 
 When heaved the long and sullen sea, 
 With only waves and stars in sight, 
 We stole along by isles of balm; 
 We furled before the coming gale, 
 
 We slept amid the breathless calm, 
 We flew beneath the straining sail. 
 
 Oh, softly on these banks of haze 
 Her rosy face the summer lays, 
 Becalmed along the azure sky 
 The argosies of cloudland lie; 
 The holy silence is God's voice 
 We look, and listen, and rejoice." 
 
 When the night fell, and one by one, in the 
 infinite meadows of heaven, blossomed out the 
 beautiful stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels, 
 they seemed so near that you almost expected to 
 touch them with the hand, and the silver moon 
 arising, set the clouds on fire with gladness and 
 " left upon the level water one long track and 
 trail of splendor, down whose stream we sailed 
 into the purple vapors, to the islands of the 
 blessed, to the kingdom of Ponemah to the land 
 of the hereafter." 
 
 While thus we dreamed, the balmy zephyr 
 brings from the forecastle to our delighted hear- 
 
166 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 ing, the tinkling music of the banjo and guitar, 
 the melody of the singing voices and dancing 
 feet of our freedmen boat's crew. The lines of 
 Whittier were resurrected in our thoughts. 
 
 ' ' Dear, the black man holds his gifts 
 
 Of music and of song, 
 The gold that kindly nature sifts 
 
 Among his sands of wrong, 
 The power to make his toiling days 
 
 And poor home comforts please; 
 The quaint relief of mirth that plays 
 
 With sorrow's minor keys." 
 
 For they sang among others the identical 
 words of the poet's expressive song, 
 
 ' ' Ole massa on he trabbels gone, 
 
 He leaf de land behind; 
 De Lord's breff blow him furder on, 
 
 Like corn-shuck in de wind: 
 We own de hoe, we own de plow, 
 
 We own de hans dat hold, 
 We sell de pig, we sell de cow, 
 
 But nebber chile be sold. 
 
 De norf wind tell it to de pines, 
 
 De wild-duck to de sea, 
 We tink it when de church-bell ring, 
 
 We dream it in de dream, 
 De rice-bird mean it when he sing, 
 
 De eagle when he scream, 
 De yam will grow, de cotton blow, 
 
 We'll hab de rice and corn; 
 Nebber you fear, if nebber j^ou hear 
 
 De driber blow his horn." 
 
IN THE LAND OF FLO WEBS. 167 
 
 And so all too quickly passed that ideal night, 
 without thought of sleep, till the rising sun shot 
 his radiant beams over the great river, when we 
 steamed slowly up to the long pier, and walked 
 under an arch of stately palms to our host's 
 beautiful home, embowered in orange trees and 
 luxuriant trumpet creepers in this summer land 
 of perpetual bloom. 
 
 Close by the Count's residence was a lake of 
 sulphur water, gushing from deep down in the 
 earth. Into this we plunged and swam until we 
 seemed to be born again into immortal youth, 
 then on the broad piazza we enjoyed a feast 
 which would have delighted Jupiter and all his 
 gods, every course of which was taken from the 
 adjoining trees, grounds and waters. 
 
 We then inspected the great plantation, where 
 was found growing in profusion, everything es- 
 sential to the wants of the most fastidious of 
 mortals, while the surrounding woods and river 
 teemed with a great variety of fish and game. 
 
 I roam as in a waking dream 
 
 The garden of the Hesperides, 
 And see the golden fruitage gleam 
 
 Amid the stately orange-trees. 
 
 Unfading green is on the hill, 
 
 The vales are decked with countless flowers, 
 While hums the bee, the song birds trill 
 
 Sweet music through the sunny hours. 
 
168 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 The moss is waving in the gale 
 From live oak, hickory, and pine, 
 
 And draping like a bridal-veil 
 The beauteous yellow jessamine. 
 
 Through countless vistas in the wood 
 I see the windows of the morn 
 
 Ope to the world a glowing flood 
 Of glory when the day is born. 
 
 And when, with robes of Tyrian dye, 
 The evening comes when day is done, 
 
 I see around the radiant sky 
 A hundred sunsets blent in one. 
 
 We parted from our genial entertainer with 
 much reluctance when the superintendent of the 
 railroad claimed us as his guests, and with him, 
 we inspected the famous orange groves along his 
 line, resting on Sunday at a palatial hotel where 
 the St. John's Eiver broadens into the great Lake 
 Munroe. 
 
 While at church we were much entertained by 
 the livety, frolicsome manoeuvres of the numer- 
 ous beautiful chameleons of rapidly changing 
 colors, who greatly distracted the attention of 
 the congregation from the service by their pranks 
 on the walls and decorations. 
 
 Directly in front of us was a sleep} T , bald- 
 headed man upon whose shining, nodding, snor- 
 ing pate several flies were resting in quiet enjoy- 
 ment of the sermon. AH at once, this toothsome 
 
IN THE LAND OF FLOWERS. 169 
 
 collection attracted the attention of a very large 
 bright-eyed chameleon admirer who launched 
 himself through the air upon said bald head in 
 pursuit of his dinner. With a yell of fear, the 
 sleeper struck the animal with his huge hand, 
 sending the long tailed frolicsome creature heels 
 over head directly upon the clergyman's manu- 
 script, and the alarmed preacher, in turn, with a 
 smothered imprecation and a sweeping blow, 
 hurled the sprawling legs and elongated tail 
 down upon some frightened children who 
 screamed and tumbled over each other upon the 
 floor in a struggling heap. 
 
 This was too much for the pent-up risibilities 
 of the audience who laughed long and loud, 
 greatly to the disturbance of the solemnity of the 
 occasion. The witty minister remarked that this 
 addition to his flock, like some church members, 
 seemed to care more for the carnal than the 
 spiritual, and proceeded to the thirteenthly di- 
 vision of his discourse. 
 
 From here we traveled for hundreds of miles 
 over the flat, monotonous, arid sands of south Flor- 
 ida, where green grass arid fresh garden vegetables 
 were unknown, frequently remarking that if we 
 owned these localities and hades, we would give 
 away the former and live in the latter place. 
 But when we retraced our steps, and reached the 
 rich highlands of the northern counties of Marion, 
 
170 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 Bradford, and Clay, found the earth covered with 
 green grass in winter, the trees beautiful with 
 blossoms and luscious oranges, the air fragrant 
 with rare flowers, and resonant with songs of 
 birds, saw the planters shipping thousands of 
 crates of fruit and vegetables, and finally arrived 
 at the far-famed Silver Springs, it seemed as if 
 we had found Ponce de Leon's fountain of im- 
 mortal youth. 
 
 The crystal clear waters of this wonderful 
 spring, or more properly called lake, gush in im- 
 mense volumes seemingly from the very centre of 
 the earth, spreading out until wide and deep 
 enough to float a great navy, and are so trans- 
 parent that multitudes of fishes are seen disport- 
 ing among marine plants and shells plainly dis- 
 cernible hundreds of feet below. 
 
 Here we embarked on a comfortable steamer, 
 and sailed nearly twenty-four hours down the 
 incomparable Ocklawaha Eiver, through scenes 
 that are indescribably picturesque ; under arches 
 of gigantic trees covered with sombrely beautiful 
 Spanish mosses and trumpet creeper vines, where 
 all day long are heard the ecstatic songs of mock- 
 ingbirds, and where flutter the plumages of all 
 the colors of the rainbow. 
 
 Swiftly the golden hours fly, as we float over 
 this marvelous river ; softly the dusky boatmen 
 chant their love songs, the fires from their " fat- 
 
JN THE LAND OF FLOWERS. 173 
 
 wood " cauldron on the upper deck illuminates the 
 stately trees, and the strains of the poet, Butter- 
 worth, come plaintively to our mental hearing. 
 
 41 We have passed funereal glooms, 
 Cypress caverns, haunted rooms, 
 Halls of gray moss starred with blooms — 
 Slowly, slowly, in these straits, 
 Drifting towards the cypress gates 
 Of the Ocklawaha. 
 
 " In the towers of green o'erhead 
 Watch the vultures for the dead, 
 And below the egrets red 
 Eye the mossy pools like fates, 
 In the shadowy cypress gates 
 Of the Ocklawaha. 
 
 " Clouds of palm crowns lie behind, 
 Clouds of gray moss in the wind, 
 Crumbling oaks with jessamines twined, 
 Where the ring-doves meet their mates, 
 Cooing in the cypress gates 
 Of the Ocklawaha. 
 
 " High the silver ibis flies — 
 Silver wings in silver skies ; 
 In the sun the Saurian lies : 
 Comes the mockingbird and prates 
 To the boatman at the gates 
 Of the Ocklawaha. 
 
 " Now the broader waters gleam — 
 Seems my voyage upon the stream 
 Like a semblance of a dream, 
 And the dream my soul elates ; 
 Life flows through the cypress gates 
 Of the Ocklawaha. 
 
174 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 " Ibis, thou wilt fly again, 
 King-dove, thou wilt sigh again, 
 Jessamines bloom in golden rain ; 
 And a loving song-bird waits 
 Me beyond the cypress gates 
 Of theOcklawaha." 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 SUNBEAM, THE SEMINOLE. 
 
 WHEN I had concluded the recitation of the 
 poem which closes the preceding chap- 
 ter, a fine-looking gentleman sitting near us arose, 
 and lifting his hat very gracefully, said : 
 
 "Pardon me. As a native Floridian, I have 
 much enjoyed hearing you repeat that poem re- 
 lating to my State." 
 
 This led to a pleasant conversation, during 
 which he introduced us to his wife as being one 
 of the aborigines. We expressed much interest 
 in this statement, and finally persuaded him to 
 give us an account of his courtship, which, with 
 some amplifications, was substantially as follows : 
 
 It is midnight in the vast everglades of Flor- 
 ida. The mammoth forest trees seem to support 
 the arch of heaven as the pillars uphold the 
 great dome of the nation's capitol. Here and 
 there the century-old orange trees are re- 
 splendent with the golden globes of the luscious 
 fruit, and millions of flowering vines beautify 
 even the dead monarchs of the woods. 
 
 175 
 
176 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 All these tropical splendors are illumined by 
 the rays of the full hunter's moon, which trans- 
 forms the trailing streamers of dewy Spanish 
 moss into long-drawn chains of sparkling silver. 
 From swamp and foliage the voices of the night 
 fill the balmy air with quavering wailings, punc- 
 tured by the occasional screams of wild-cats and 
 hootings of the melancholy owls. Here in this 
 forest primeval, mid the murmuring pines and 
 star-eyed magnolias, nature rules supreme, uncon- 
 taminated by the trammels of civilization. 
 
 But what is that ? Surely human forms 
 swinging noiselessly from limb to limb over 
 dark pools where the deadly moccasins and 
 ferocious alligators slumber, over stagnant 
 lagoons beautified by great lilies, and densely 
 populated with rainbow colored fishes, and gaily 
 decorated by water-fowl now all motionless in 
 the embrace of sleep, the brother of death. 
 
 The moonbeams reveal a band of broad-shoul- 
 dered, copper-colored aborigines, who once ruled 
 over the whole of this fair peninsular. They are 
 returning, with packs of supplies strapped upon 
 their backs, from a trading journe} 7 to the city of 
 Kissimmee, where they have exchanged the 
 fruits of their hunting for many-colored calicos, 
 ammunition, and alas for the once-noble red men ! 
 fire-water. They had left their canoes when 
 they could no longer be floated, and are now re- 
 
SUNBEAM, TEE SE3IIN0LE. 177 
 
 turning in this, the only possible manner, to 
 their fertile oasis, protected from the white men 
 by many miles of bogs into which all foot trav- 
 elers would sink to unknown slimy depths and 
 death. 
 
 On they come in single file, hand over hand 
 from tree to tree, their long legs dangling in the 
 air, led by Tiger-tail, the chief of the survivors 
 of the most intelligent and powerful of all the 
 Indian tribes. Suddenly the leader stops, gives 
 the low cry of the Ring-dove, which halts his 
 followers, and suspended in air, gazes at the 
 sleeping form of a young white man, reclining, 
 with his rifle beside him, on a hammock which 
 rises dry and grass-covered above the surround- 
 ing morasses. 
 
 Motioning his band to follow, the chief drops 
 noiselessly beside the sleeper, stealthily seizes 
 the gun, revolver, and bowie-knife of the help- 
 less victim, hands them to others, and shouts 
 " Humph, wake up ! " The pale-face reaches for 
 his weapons, and finding them gone, jumps to his 
 feet, gazing without flinching at his stalwart 
 captors. 
 
 " Who you be ? " grunted the chief. " What 
 for you here ? " 
 
 " I am Henry Lee of Lawtey," was the calm 
 reply, " and I am hunting." 
 
 " Humph, you white man hunt Seminole from 
 
178 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 earth. You no right here. You my prisoner; 
 follow me, my slave." 
 
 As resistance was useless, the youth silently 
 obeys, climbing hour after hour until his arms 
 seemed about to be wrenched from their sockets. 
 At last, just as the rising sun shot his lances of 
 light through the forest's gloom, the chief drops 
 to solid earth, followed by all. 
 
 A romantically beautiful scene lies before 
 them. No longer the styx-like waters ; the 
 funereal realms of Pluto have vanished, and an 
 elevated plateau appears, partially cleared. Here 
 and there graceful palms, tall, slender cocoanut 
 and orange trees laden with fruit ; sparkling 
 springs ; abundant harvests of varied crops ; pic- 
 turesque wigwams and huts, fair as the garden 
 of the Lord. A pack of dogs started to yelp, but 
 at once slunk away at a word from the chieftain, 
 who points to a hut, quietly saying: "Go in 
 there till I call you." 
 
 Henry obeyed, and exhausted with his jour- 
 ney, sank quickly to sleep upon the straw-covered 
 floor. At length, when the sun was high in the 
 heavens, he was awakened by a black man, who 
 placed before him some venison and corn bread, 
 then silently withdrew. After satisfying his 
 hunger, he went out to explore. 
 
 It was an ideal scene of tropical luxuriance ; 
 cattle and sheep were feeding upon the abundant 
 
SUNBEAM, THE SEMINOLE. 179 
 
 grasses ; but they suddenly took to their heels, 
 with uplifted tails and terrified eyes, at the sight 
 of his white face, a spectacle never before seen on 
 this oasis, peopled hitherto exclusively by " Cop- 
 perheads." Swarms of children were shooting 
 their arrows at deer-skin targets; groups of 
 braves, fantastically attired, lounged under the 
 shade of the wide-spreading umbrella trees, smo- 
 king fragrant tobacco in long-stemmed pipes, but 
 they did not deign to give the visitor even an in- 
 quiring glance. 
 
 Henry interviewed a number of negroes hoe- 
 ing corn and sweet potatoes, who informed him 
 in broken English that they were the slaves of 
 the Indians ; that they had never heard of the 
 civil war, nor of Abraham Lincoln. They claimed 
 to be well treated, and were contented, having 
 plenty to eat and no very severe labor. They 
 cast anxious glances towards the village, and 
 seemed glad when he walked away, saying they 
 had never before seen a white man and thought 
 he must be " big medicine." 
 
 The birds were singing gaily, all nature smiled 
 complacently, and he strolled over the flower- 
 bedecked fields into the recesses of the forest, 
 where he seated himself under a blossom-covered 
 magnolia around which twined the fragrant jes- 
 samine. He gave himself up to day-dreams. 
 All at once a light, moccasined footfall is heard, 
 
180 THE GENTLEMAN FR03I EVERYWHERE. 
 
 and there stepped from the woods an Indian 
 girl, graceful as a fawn, with her head crowned 
 with flowers, and softly singing a strange, sweet 
 song in an unknown tongue. When the stranger 
 was seen she started to flee, but with a smile he 
 beckoned her to stop, which she did, as though 
 hypnotized. 
 
 "Oh," she whispered, "you are the pale-face 
 my father has captured ; but if Tiger-tail should 
 see me speaking to you, he would kill us both. 
 Such is the law of the Seminoles. No Indian 
 maiden must speak to a white man ; but I never 
 saw such as you before." 
 
 " But, how happens it," said he, in astonish- 
 ment," that you speak my language ? " 
 
 " My father taught me," was the reply, " he is 
 a scholar ; we all speak some American." 
 
 "May I know your name?" asked our 
 hero. 
 
 " I am Sunbeam, daughter of the Seminole 
 chief." 
 
 " And mine is Henry Lee," he replied to her 
 inquiring look. " You are well named," he con- 
 tinued. " I have seen many daughters of the pale- 
 faces ; but none so fair and bright as you. Sun- 
 beam, at this my first glance, I love you ; can 
 you sometime love me ? " 
 
 "I do love you now," replied the artless girl ; 
 " the Great Spirit tells me to do so ; but we 
 
SUNBEAM, THE SEMINOLE. 181 
 
 must not be seen together ; they will kill us, we 
 must part at once." 
 
 " Dearest," cried Henry, " when can we meet 
 again ? " 
 
 " To-morrow at noon," came the impulsive re- 
 ply. " In my cave there back of that cypress ; 
 no one is allowed to enter but me ; there I say 
 my prayers, and my father says it is sacred to 
 me alone. Good-bye, Henry," and she sped like 
 a deer into the shades of the forest. 
 
 The youth was sincere, for it had flashed upon 
 him like an inspiration when their eyes first met, 
 that she was born for him, and he for her. They 
 were married in heaven, ages ago. It came like 
 a word from the Infinite to these kindred souls. 
 A sudden rent in the veil of darkness which sur- 
 rounds us manifests things unseen. Such visions 
 sometimes effect a transformation in those whom 
 they visit, converting a poor camel driver into a 
 Mohammed, a peasant girl tending goats, into a 
 Joan of Arc. 
 
 This love-flash from the invisible blent these 
 two hitherto widely separated souls into one, 
 even as the positive electricity leaps through the 
 spaces to find the negative, and when met, dis- 
 solves the separateness into a harmonious oneness 
 which can never be sundered. The unsophisti- 
 cated Indian maiden Avent her way, thrilling 
 with the thought that her heart is in his 
 
182 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 bosom, and his in hers, useless one without the 
 other. 
 
 The white youth was suddenly changed from 
 an idle, wandering, purposeless dreamer, into a 
 fearless lover, ready to face death itself to secure 
 the object of his worship, and he sauntered back 
 to his hut with no flinching from the many 
 dangers which surrounded him. 
 
 There a black slave met him, bearing an abun- 
 dant feast. " Eat," said the negro, " and then go 
 to the lodge of T5ger-tail, the largest in the vil- 
 lage, with the skin of a tiger stretched on the 
 door." 
 
 As soon as Henry had assuaged his hunger, 
 he hastened to obey the summons. As before, 
 no human being noticed him, and he walked to 
 the wigwam, knocked on the door-post, and 
 answering the " come" from within, entered. To 
 his astonishment, the giant leader was evidently 
 trying to read a newspaper, but took no notice 
 of his entrance for some minutes, when he sud- 
 denly said : 
 
 " What is this ? " pointing to a line of what 
 Henry saw was the message to Congress of the 
 President of the United States. The chief 
 watched closely as his captive slowly read : 
 
 " The Seminole Indians have been driven by 
 our troops to their fastnesses in the swamps of 
 the Everglades, and it is for Congress to decide 
 
SUNBEAM, THE SEMINOLE. 183 
 
 whether they shall be further punished for their 
 outbreak." 
 
 The chief slowly rose to his full height, and 
 walked in silence for a long time, when he 
 turned to our hero, and fastened upon him his 
 eagle eyes. " Humph," at length he muttered, 
 " the pale-face rob Seminole of everything else, 
 now he follow us here: — no, the great father 
 must know the truth, you teach me to write him, 
 no white man ever come here and go away to 
 tell, you stay here always ; you no speak to any 
 one here but me, you set down, teach me." 
 
 For a long time Henry labored hard to show 
 this remarkable savage how to read and write. 
 No teacher ever had a more attentive pupil ; but 
 it was very difficult for his untutored mind to 
 master these, to him, puzzling hieroglyphics. At 
 length, Tiger-tail arose, and saying in an ex- 
 asperated tone : 
 
 "Humph! Damn! Me kill something, me 
 mad ! You come here every day when I send 
 for you," and seizing his rifle, and pointing the 
 youth to go, he strode savagely away into the 
 woods. 
 
 The youth returned to his hut, and wearied 
 with his unusual labors, was soon asleep, dream- 
 ing all night of the loved Sunbeam, whom he 
 hoped would soon irradiate the darkness of his 
 life. The hours of the next day dragged away 
 
184 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 on leaden wings, and the trysting hour drew 
 near ; but to his utter disgust, just as he was on 
 the point of going to his beloved, the negro ap- 
 peared summoning him once more to the chief, 
 and his heart sank with fear that their secret 
 was discovered. 
 
 Tiger-tail betrayed no emotion, and for a long 
 time teacher and pupil struggled with their tasks 
 as before, until the Indian, unable to restrain his 
 pent-up restlessness longer, strode away to seek 
 relief in the chase, leaving Henry to wend his 
 way with many watchful glances to the shrine 
 of his worship. 
 
 While walking slowly and circuitously to 
 avoid suspicion, and closely scrutinizing the 
 trunks and tops of trees for any spy who might 
 be watching, he noticed a slight movement of 
 the tall grass around a fallen cypress, and rush- 
 ing to reconnoitre, a warrior leaped to his feet 
 and dashed into the underbrush. Then the youth 
 realized that suspicious eyes were following him, 
 and that he was risking his life to meet the 
 daughter of the chief. 
 
 He dared not enter the mouth of the cave ; but 
 walked through the thick bushes above it much 
 depressed in spirit, when suddenly he heard his 
 name softly called, and looking downward, saw 
 an opening into the earth large enough to admit 
 his body. " Drop down this way," was whis- 
 
SUNBEAM, THE SEMINOLE. 185 
 
 pered, and after assuring himself that no spy was 
 in sight, he obeyed, falling into the arms of the 
 waiting girl. 
 
 " Henry," said she, " I was followed ; but no 
 one knows of this entrance but myself ; close it 
 with this shrub. We are watched, and must 
 never meet here again." 
 
 " But, dearest," sobbed the youth, " life is not 
 worth living without you; we must escape to- 
 gether this very night." 
 
 " I will go with you to the ends of the earth," 
 was the reply. " I loved you long before you 
 came here ; I have the gift of second sight. 
 Months ago I saw you coming to me. I have 
 explored the way to the great river. At mid- 
 night, meet me under the great cypress, throw 
 this perfume to the dogs and they will not bark ; " 
 she handed him a small vial. " I must go ; you 
 follow when you hear the Eing-dove coo ; go to 
 your hut." She embraced him, and was gone. 
 
 Soon, he heard the signal, and he cautiously 
 raised himself to the upper air, returned to his 
 wigwam, and was soon enjoying rapturous dreams 
 with his head resting where he knew the rays of 
 the moon would shine into his face to awaken 
 him at the appointed time for flight. When he 
 peered anxiously through the entrance of his 
 wigwam at a little before midnight, he was ap- 
 palled at the sight. A multitude of dogs sur- 
 
186 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 rounded the hut, ready, evidently by their yelp- 
 ings, to bring down upon him the whole tribe of 
 Indians, should he try to escape. 
 
 "Alas," thought he, "there are battles with 
 fate which can never be won," and for a moment 
 he seemed paralyzed at his doom. Then came to 
 mind a recollection of the perfume given him by 
 his thoughtful Sunbeam, and he resolved to do or 
 die. 
 
 Noiselessly as a shadow, he stepped out, hoping 
 to escape the attention of his canine guards ; but 
 in a moment, every cur was on his feet and were 
 about to make the welkin ring, when he threw 
 at the leader the contents of his vial. Instantly, 
 all fawned at his feet, and he hastened to his ren- 
 dezvous. 
 
 Not a sound was heard save an occasional snore 
 from some sleeper, and soon he found his faithful 
 sweetheart in the shadow of the century-old 
 cypress. She quickly slung his rifle across his 
 back, fastened about him the revolver and bowie- 
 knife, bound over her own shoulder a bag of 
 provisions ; " follow me," she whispered, and 
 away they sped into the vast primeval forest. 
 
 For hours they hastened in silence, then the 
 maiden halted at the edge of a dark morass, and 
 whispered : " Here we leave the earth ; I know 
 the way," and they launched themselves into the 
 limbs of the trees, clambered hand over hand for 
 
SUNBEAM, THE SEMINOLE. 187 
 
 a long, long time ; when well-nigh exhausted, they 
 dropped down into a little brook, carefully avoid- 
 ing any contact with the tell-tale earth. 
 
 " Quick," said Sunbeam ; " we must hasten up 
 this stream which will conceal our footsteps, to 
 the great river, where we can hide and rest in a 
 great hollow tree which I found there," and 
 on they went with their feeble remnant of 
 strength. 
 
 At last, just as the rising sun was dispersing 
 the vapors of night, our elopers swung themselves 
 from the brook into the branches of an overarch- 
 ing hollow tree, helped each other to the bottom 
 of this house not made with hands, and soon 
 slept the slumber of utter exhaustion. It was 
 many hours before tired nature's sweet restorer 
 released these two loving children from its em- 
 braces, and then it seemed as if all the fiends 
 from heaven that fell had pealed the banner-cry 
 of hell. 
 
 The howls of dogs, and the savage war-whoops 
 announced that their enemies were upon them ; 
 but undismayed by the terrible dangers, they re- 
 solved to die together rather than endure separa- 
 tion. 
 
 " My father never loved me," whispered Sun- 
 beam, " because I am a girl, while he hoped for 
 a warrior child ; if they find us, kill me ; I cannot 
 live without you." 
 
188 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 " "We will go to the Great Spirit together, be- 
 loved," was the calm reply. 
 
 Soon they heard the voice of Tiger-tail close to 
 them, talking to his braves. "They no cross 
 river," he said ; " all canoes here, dogs no get 
 scent, all back to swamp, we find um there, you, 
 War-Eagle, watch canoes." Again the air re- 
 sounds with the yells of dogs and warriors, then 
 all was silent. 
 
 " "War-Eagle hate me," whispered the maiden, 
 " cos I no be his squaw ; but we must go before 
 they return." Slowly the lovers pulled them- 
 selves upward by the ingrown stumps of limbs, 
 and, concealed in the thick branches, looked 
 around ; no one was in sight except the Indian 
 left to guard the canoes, and he was reclining on 
 the bank of the river, evidently exhausted. 
 
 Noiselessly they lowered themselves to the 
 ground and approached the recumbent brave, 
 when a loud snore showed that their enemy was 
 in the land of nod. " Take my revolver," said 
 Henry, " and shoot — if we must," then, making 
 a slip-noose of the stout thongs which had bound 
 the provision bag, he deftly slipped it around the 
 arms of the Indian, and with a quick jerk he was 
 firmly bound. 
 
 The savage tried to grasp his gun, but, unable, 
 was about to give the whoop of alarm, when the 
 youth clapped his hand over the vast mouth ; the 
 
SUNBEAM, THE SEMINOLE. 189 
 
 red man subsided, was quickly gagged and tied to 
 a tree. 
 
 " Now, darling, to our boat," and into it they 
 jumped, and Henry bent to his oars with all his 
 might. On they sped in their light canoe, these 
 two hearts beating as one, towards liberty and 
 the loved ones waiting to welcome them in the 
 white man's home. " Dearest Sunbeam," said 
 Henry, resting for a moment on his oars, " soon 
 you will be the fairest flower in my garden of 
 home." 
 
 " Oh, Henry," was the faint reply, " I am but 
 a simple Indian girl, and I know so little." 
 
 " But it will be our delight to live and learn to- 
 gether," said Henry, " for — 
 
 " ' Thou art all to me, love, for which my heart did pine, 
 A green isle in the sea, love, a fountain and a shrine. ' ' ' 
 
 On they glided, out of that paradise of nature, 
 where every prospect pleases, and naught but 
 man is vile. Sunbeam left the place of her na- 
 tivity without a lingering glance behind, for there 
 she had been nothing but an unwelcome girl. 
 
 In a pretty cottage in Lawtey, you may now 
 see Sunbeam, the Seminole, wife of a successful 
 planter, Henry Lee, beloved by all who know 
 her, surrounded by orange groves and fragrant 
 flowers in that land of perpetual bloom. 
 
CHAPTER XX. 
 
 A FOUNDER OF TOWNS AND CLUBS. 
 
 MY ship of life was laden to the water's edge 
 with labors of varying utility. We 
 founded the Apollo Club, a musical and literary 
 organization including in its membership the 
 most prominent men and women of the city ; we 
 gave entertainments with our orchestra, singing 
 society, and costumed dramatic stars, which gave 
 us ample funds to pay for numerous delightful 
 steamboat excursions, sleigh-rides and picnics, 
 while developing our latent talents, and greatly 
 enhancing the social life of our community. 
 
 I refer to this with much pleasure, as it led to 
 the formation of similar societies in many sur- 
 rounding towns, much to the benefit of all con- 
 cerned. I made an elaborate report of my 
 Florida observations which was printed entire by 
 the United States Department of Agriculture, 
 widely distributed, and stimulated many to 
 benefit their condition by securing comfortable 
 homes in that land of fruits, flowers and delight- 
 ful climate. 
 
 That year the angel world sent us our bright- 
 
 190 
 
A FOUNDER OF TOWNS AND CLUBS. 191 
 
 eyed, smiling little Elizabeth, thus making our 
 trio of sweet singers a quartette to share our joys 
 and lessen our sorrows, coming like the dews 
 from that heaven to which we all return when 
 our mission to refresh and inspire the earth life 
 is ended. It is interesting to note the varying 
 definitions of the word, baby, which have floated 
 down to us in the literature of all nations. Here 
 are some of them which I have culled from 
 various authors : 
 
 "A tiny feather from the wing of love, dropped into the 
 sacred lap of motherhood. ' ' 
 
 "The bachelor's horror, the mother's treasure, and the des- 
 potic tyrant of the most republican household." 
 
 " A human flower untouched by the linger of care." 
 "The morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight brawler." 
 ' ' The magic spell by which the gods transform a house into a 
 home." 
 
 "A bursting bud on the tree of life." 
 "A bold asserter of the rights of free speech." 
 " A tiny, useless mortal, but without which the world would 
 soon be at a standstill." 
 
 ' ' A native of all countries who speaks the language of 
 none." 
 
 " A mite of a thing that requires a mighty lot of attention." 
 "A daylight charmer and a midnight alarm er." 
 "A wee little specimen of humanity, whose winsome smile 
 makes a good man think of the angels. ' ' 
 "A curious bud of uncertain bloasom." 
 "The most extensive employer of female labor." 
 "That which increases the mother's toil, decreases the fath- 
 er's cash, and serves as an alarm clock to the neighbors." 
 ' ' It's a sweet and tiny treasure, ' ' 
 
192 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 "A torment and a tease," 
 
 " It's an autocrat and anarchist," 
 
 ' ' Two awful things to please. ' ' 
 
 "It's a rest and peace disturber," 
 
 ' ' With little laughing ways, ' ' 
 
 "It's a wailing human night alarm," 
 
 ' ' A terror of your days. ' ' 
 
 And this final definition which exactly describes 
 each of our quartette, 
 
 " The sweetest thing God ever made 
 And forgot to give wings to." 
 
 To crown the honors which this year were 
 thrust upon me, my political party tendered me 
 the nomination for mayor of the city ; but when 
 I ascertained the fact that I would be obliged to 
 bribe the 300 roosters on the fence who held the 
 balance of power, and who must be paid two 
 dollars each to persuade them to come off their 
 perch and vote, I preferred the $600 to the empty 
 honor, and declined. 
 
 It is said that dame fortune knocks once at 
 every man's door, but the old woman sent to 
 mine later, her ugly-faced unmarried daughter, 
 mis-fortune. At the request of some of the 
 Boston newspapers, I wrote an account for the 
 press of my Florida journey and observations, 
 which attracted much attention and many callers, 
 among whom were the F brothers, of Bos- 
 ton, who painted the attractions of a town of 
 
A FOUNDER OF TOWNS AND CLUBS. 193 
 
 Orange County in such glowing colors, that I was 
 induced to visit said place in summer accompanied 
 by my friend, lawyer S of Newburyport. 
 
 We found even the summer climate very agree- 
 able, the location very attractive, and the general 
 prospects for a northern colony there quite prom- 
 ising. We wandered through the woods far and 
 wide, shooting quail, an occasional wild turkey, 
 caught fish from the numerous beautiful lakes, 
 sleeping sometimes under the pines, then in 
 houses, whose owners were away visiting with 
 no thought of locking their doors in this land 
 where thieving was unknown. We led a real 
 Bohemian life in Arcady, quietly bonding hun- 
 dreds of acres of land, and having located a 
 hotel and townsite between two charming lakes, 
 
 leaving a Mr. G ■ W a friend of the F 
 
 brothers, as superintendent, to secure more lands 
 and to cut avenues, we went home, where we 
 formed a syndicate stock company of which 
 I was elected general manager, with full powers 
 to sell $50,000 of stock Avith which to pay for 
 the bonded lands and the building of a hotel. 
 
 I sold the stock at $100 per share, giving one 
 acre of land with each share of said stock. This 
 would have been a very successful enterprise had 
 it not been for the cunning duplicity and greed 
 of our superintendent, who proceeded diligently 
 to " feather his own nest " at our expense. I ac- 
 
194 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 coraplished my task of raising funds very suc- 
 cessfully, and the next winter moved with my 
 family to A , taking with us a competent en- 
 gineer, a Mr. II , to survey and stake the lands. 
 
 Here I unearthed the rascality of the superin- 
 tendent, who, beside taking our salary and com- 
 mission for buying lands, had extorted large com- 
 missions and bonuses from the sellers, which 
 came out of our funds in increasing the prices for 
 which the lands were charged to our company. 
 In addition to this he had hired a large force of 
 negroes at high wages, on which he drew a 
 secret commission, opened a store, selling so 
 called canned peaches, — which really contained 
 much whiskey and few peaches — to his workmen, 
 and thus getting all their wages. 
 
 I at once discharged all the superfluous ne- 
 groes, built a fine hotel which was soon filled 
 with a superior class of people from the north, 
 set out orange groves for non-resident stock- 
 holders, and all would have been well, had it not 
 been for the extraordinary action at the annual 
 meeting of the stockholders. 
 
 While I was engrossed with my many duties, 
 the superintendent cunningly went north and se- 
 cured proxies in his name, and returning, beat me 
 by two votes, secured for himself my position as 
 general manager, and then proceeded to wreck 
 the whole enterprise, much to his own pecuniary 
 
A FOUNDER OF TOWNS AND CLUBS. 195 
 
 benefit, while my friends who had invested on 
 my representations, blamed me for their losses 
 though I was entirely innocent of any wrong 
 whatever. 
 
 To cap the climax, this superintendent refused 
 to make an accounting for several thousand dol- 
 lars with which I had entrusted him to make 
 purchases of lands on my personal account. I 
 secured a warrant for his arrest, chased him half 
 over the county with a sheriff, and brought him 
 to the city for trial. On our way to the hotel, I 
 was set upon by a crowd of roughs who had been 
 dined and wined by said "W , and who threat- 
 ened to lynch me. I backed up into a corner of 
 the hotel piazza, laid my hand on an imaginary 
 revolver, threatening to shoot, and was defending 
 myself with a whirling chair, when the sheriff's 
 posse rushed to my deliverance in the nick of 
 
 time, and W was forced to hand over my 
 
 money. 
 
 He then made life unbearable by sending ne- 
 groes at night in my absence to annoy my family, 
 who escaped injury only by the vigorous use of a 
 revolver by my wife who defended the little ones 
 by numerous shots which sent the tormentors 
 flying to the woods. This unscrupulous superin- 
 tendent secured by his cunning a large amount of 
 our funds ; but it was a curse to him for he 
 squandered it in riotous living. 
 
196 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 When he married he chartered a large steamer 
 and brass band, took on board a crowd of guests, 
 champagne flowed like water, every luxury was 
 furnished liberally, and the excursion was a pro- 
 longed debauch. 
 
 To-day this fellow is a fugitive from justice, 
 forsaken by wife and fair weather friends, and 
 thus really, if not literally, is fulfilled the proph- 
 ecy of the poet, 
 
 ' ' Her dark wing shall the raven flap 
 
 O'er the false-hearted, 
 His warm blood the wolf shall lap 
 
 E'er life be parted, 
 Shame and dishonor sit 
 
 O'er his grave ever, 
 Blessing shall hallow it 
 
 Never, no never." 
 
CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 A MILLION DOLLAE BUSINESS WITH A ONE 
 DOLLAE CAPITAL. 
 
 SOON after my encounter at S with the 
 unspeakable W , I met Major St. 
 
 A , who gave a cordial invitation to myself 
 
 and family to become his guests in his new town 
 of T , with a view to securing our coopera- 
 tion in the development of his multitudinous 
 schemes. This invitation we accepted, and very 
 early one beautiful morning in March, my wife, 
 four children and myself, with driver and guide, 
 embarked on a "prairie schooner," drawn by 
 three horses, for the promised land. 
 
 It was an ideal drive through many miles of 
 fragrant, towering pine trees, fording beautiful 
 lakes, catching fish, shooting game, camping for 
 refreshment on the banks of crystal clear brooks. 
 The oldest girls would ride on the horses' backs, 
 chase quails, pluck the wayside flowers, occa- 
 sionally watching the flight of paroquettes flash- 
 ing like diamonds through the air, listening to 
 the mockingbirds filling the woods with their 
 exquisite songs, and inhaling as it were the ether 
 
 197 
 
198 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 of the immortal Gods, the matchless, perfumed, 
 life-giving Florida air. 
 
 All at once, with little warning, as is usual in 
 semi-tropical lands, the night fell, and our learned 
 guide suddenly found that he had lost the trail. 
 The owls hooted, the wild-cats screamed, like- 
 wise the "kids," with overpowering fear. We 
 plunged ahead at random, when we suddenly 
 found the water pouring through the bottom of 
 our " schooner." The horses reared and plunged, 
 snorting in terror probably at the near approach 
 of some water snake or alligator. 
 
 We might have been all drowned, had we not 
 discovered a lantern hung in a tree by our ex- 
 pectant friends, towards which we steered our 
 course to dry land. By the aid of the light we 
 found the trail, and at length reached the Major's 
 hotel, hungry and tired. Here we found our em- 
 barrassed host haggling and swearing with a 
 bearer of provisions who refused to leave the 
 goods until he received his payment therefor. 
 
 Our landlord appeared to be "dead broke," 
 but finally persuaded the reluctant provision- 
 dealer to go away with his pockets filled with 
 " I. O. U.'s " instead of cash, and about midnight 
 on the verge of starvation we fully appreciated 
 an abundant feast. We soon found that our en- 
 thusiastic friend was trying to do a million dollar 
 business on a one dollar capital. He was build- 
 
Flight of the Governor and Staff. 
 
A MILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS. 201 
 
 ing two railroads, running a steamboat line, a 
 hotel, a sawmill, building a town and a fifty 
 thousand dollar opera house for a one hundred 
 population town, with not a dollar in his 
 pocket. 
 
 The next day we sailed on his steamer to meet 
 the governor of the state, and his staff who were 
 invited to attend a ball in his honor. The crew 
 was mutinous on account of receiving no pay, 
 the antiquated machinery broke down every few 
 minutes, and the Major had a fierce quarrel with 
 a negro minister who had paid first-class fare 
 and refused to take second-class quarters, to 
 which all colored folks were forced at the muzzle 
 of the revolver, and a bloody race battle was 
 only avoided by the fact that the negroes were 
 entirely unarmed. 
 
 At length, loading the deck with wild ducks, 
 and fish that fairly jumped into the little boat 
 to avoid their enemies, the ferocious gar-fish, we 
 took the governor and staff on board, and floun- 
 dered back at a snail's pace to T . At the 
 
 landing, we boarded a dilapidated street car 
 drawn by mules, for the hotel. 
 
 Soon — crash ! bang, a rail gave way, sending 
 the dignified governor, — stove-pipe hat flying in 
 the air, coat-tails covering his head, — into a 
 ditch, his long legs kicking frantically to extri- 
 cate his head from the mud. We rescued him 
 
202 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 and staff with difficulty from the filth, look- 
 ing like a bedraggled pack of half-drowned 
 rats. 
 
 Finally we reached the hotel, when the colored 
 orchestra from Jacksonville rushed upon our 
 host demanding their pay in advance, with furi- 
 ous oaths and unclassical imprecations. In some 
 way, the embarrassed diplomat silenced their 
 clamors ; then the colored waiters struck for 
 their pay, and " razors were flying in the air." 
 The furious landlord at last quieted their clamor 
 with a shotgun, and at about midnight the 
 grand march was sounded, and a nearly famished 
 crowd made desperate efforts to look cheerful 
 and " trip the light fantastic toe." All earthly 
 horrors have an end, and in the wee small hours 
 a starving multitude was treated to a barbacue 
 by our half-crazed host. 
 
 Almost every white man in this town sold chain- 
 lightning whiskey, and in our short walk from 
 dance hall to hotel we were obliged to jump over 
 the prostrate forms of drunken darkies. 
 
 As in the lowlands, bordering upon large bodies 
 of water, in all tropical and semi-tropical coun- 
 tries, we found, to our horror and dismay, the 
 mosquitoes in ferocious, bloodthirsty swarms 
 which rendered life not worth the living ; so, as 
 soon as we could, without seriously offending our 
 host, we took our flight, at least what little there 
 
A MILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS. 203 
 
 was left of us, to the delightful highlands of 
 Marion County. 
 
 Here, free from the horrors of mosquitoes, we 
 recruited our attenuated bodies at the elegant 
 Ocala House, thence by rail to Jacksonville 
 where we took the steamer for home. Off 
 Hatteras we encountered a wild storm which sent 
 our great boat well-nigh to the stars, then with 
 an almost perpendicular plunge, almost to Davy 
 Jones' locker, until, with the nauseating sea- 
 sickness, we were afraid, first that we should die 
 and later we only feared lest we should not die. 
 
 At last the young cyclone subsided, and we 
 sailed over a tranquil sea into Boston harbor, 
 thence by rail to our Bay state home. At Jack- 
 sonville, by the way, we had an experience quite 
 characteristic of those ante-free-delivery days of 
 old. I went to the post-office for our mail, hav- 
 ing but a few minutes to spare before the de- 
 parture of the north-bound train. To my dis- 
 gust, I found a line of negroes nearly half a mile 
 in length waiting their turns for calling for 
 letters. One would step to the window and in 
 an exasperatingly in-no-hurry way, say : " Any- 
 thing for Andrew Jackson, sah ? " After a long 
 delay — " no ! " 
 
 " Do yer 'spect dere may be soon, sah ? " 
 
 " Did you expect any ? " came the reply. 
 
 "No sah, but sumbudy might write, sah." 
 
204 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 " Gwan, next ! " Then some white man in a 
 hurry would step up to next — " here's a quarter 
 for your place, git aout ! " The darky would 
 pocket his money with a broad grin, and but for 
 his ears, the top of his head would be an 
 island. 
 
 I could not wait, and would not bribe, so went 
 to the door of the office, and kicked and banged 
 furiously. " G'way fum de doo' ! What de hell 
 you do on de doo' ? " came from the inside. 
 
 " I'm a government officer from Washington," 
 I shouted. " Open the door or I'll knock it 
 down." Out popped the " cullud pusson " profuse 
 in apologies. I grabbed my mail and rushed 
 for the train in the very nick of time. 
 
CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 PENDULUM 'TWIXT SMILES AND TEAKS. 
 
 IN many particulars this year of our Lord, 1883, 
 was a sad one for us all. The pecuniary 
 loss, resultant upon the town-building disaster, 
 was severe ; but the revelation which came to 
 me of the innate meanness of human nature in 
 matters of money, was the more depressing by far. 
 
 It was amazing to hear wealthy people, who 
 had bought of me a few hundred dollars' worth 
 of stock, and who really felt the loss of it much 
 less than they would suffer from a fly bite, whine 
 as if this had reduced them to the direst poverty, 
 and insinuate that I, who had lost manifold more 
 than they, should refund, though the loss was 
 entirely the result of their own stupidity in fail- 
 ing to send me the proxies I had asked for by mail. 
 
 We consoled ourselves, as usual, with the 
 knowledge that we had acted honestly and con- 
 scientiously towards all, and that the miseries of 
 this short life are " not worthy to be compared 
 with the glory which shall be revealed in us in 
 the near future of the life eternal." 
 
 205 
 
206 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 The blue arch above us, ever changing like the 
 sea, has always possessed a peculiar fascination 
 for me, and I never let slip a convenient opportu- 
 nity to feast my eyes upon it. I was pursuing 
 this favorite occupation one day this year, when 
 an unusually beautiful cloud attracted my atten- 
 tion, and as I watched its rapidly changing forms, 
 there was slowly evolved from it the kindly lov- 
 ing face of my mother. It was no fancy, no dis- 
 torted figment of a dream. The dear face smiled 
 upon me with angelic sweetness, glanced upward, 
 and was gone ; then I knew that I had another 
 guardian angel in heaven. 
 
 In a short time, news came from R that 
 
 she who had gladly devoted her life to self-sacri- 
 fice for her children, had been relieved from the 
 always weak and suffering body. 
 
 Dear, good mother! Her highest and only 
 ambition was to do good ; not a selfish thought 
 ever even flitted across her horizon. Frank as 
 the day, constant as the sun, pure as the dew ; 
 like our Lord himself, she sacrificed herself for 
 the good of others. Her sons, Richard and Mark, 
 welcomed her at the gates ajar, and she was at 
 rest. 
 
 "What is death but a journey home ? 
 A perfect rest when the work is done, 
 A gentle sleep for earth -weary eyes, 
 And the soul ascends to the azure skies. 
 
PENDULU3I 'TWIXT SMILES AND TEARS. 207 
 
 We in the earth life went on as best we could. 
 My only brother Joshua sold the old homestead 
 with its burdens, too heavy for him to bear alone, 
 bought our former home for one-half it had cost 
 us, which was much more than any other would 
 pay for it ; while we sold our castle and farm 
 which had become a mountain on our shoulders, 
 and went to live with my wife's parents in Bos- 
 ton, where I continued my work of introducing 
 the school text- books which had been sold, and 
 myself with them, to a New York publishing 
 firm. 
 
 When the winter winds and snows began to 
 blow, I longed for the balmy zephyrs of fair 
 Florida, and like the summer birds, I once more 
 journeyed southward ; there, after a long search 
 for the best throughout the land of flowers, jour- 
 neying in steam yachts, row-boats, on horseback, 
 and sometimes hand over hand on the branches 
 of trees, over tracks inaccessible in any other 
 manner, I formed another stock company consist- 
 ing of several financiers who had spent all their 
 lives in Florida, and secured many thousands of 
 acres of excellent lands in the highlands of Marion 
 County, hoping to do good and get good by in- 
 ducing the surplus population of our cities to go 
 back to the bosom of Mother Earth, where a mod- 
 erate amount of labor will give them an inde- 
 pendent livelihood free from the snow and cold 
 
208 TEE GENTLEMAN FR03I EVERYWHERE. 
 
 which infest the wintry north, free from the 
 heart-breaking demoralization of begging for work 
 in our overcrowded cities where scores of the 
 poverty-stricken are tumbling over each other in 
 the frantic grabbing for every job of work and 
 every crumb of charity. 
 
 Were a mere modicum of the vast sums now 
 worse than wasted in pauperizing the unem- 
 ployed; a tithe of the money squandered on 
 building palaces for our numberless, ever-begging 
 colleges, devoted to settling the poor upon the 
 unimproved lands in Florida, the dangerous flood 
 of ever-increasing crime, and physical and mental 
 suffering which now threatens the very existence 
 of our republic, would soon vanish from our cities, 
 and thousands of the dangerous classes would 
 become self-supporting, self-respecting, independ- 
 ent men and women. 
 
 Were a tithe of the vast sums lavished by our 
 millionaires upon the pictured walls, gorgeously 
 embellished ceilings, overcrowded book shelves of 
 our numerous libraries, and upon the unchristlike 
 towers of unfrequented cathedrals, be even loaned 
 to those who would gladly cultivate the thou- 
 sands of acres of untilled soil in fair Florida, all 
 the suffering hangers-on for jobs would become 
 successful agriculturists, owning their own farms, 
 buying their own books, and sufficiently edu- 
 cating their own children. 
 
PENDULUM 'TWIXT SMILES AND TEARS. 209 
 
 If the money spent every winter in pauperizing 
 the unemployed by giving them free soup, could 
 be devoted to settling colonies upon our unculti- 
 vated lands, the vexing problems and contests 
 between labor and capital would be easily solved 
 and obliterated ; the unskilled poor would be at 
 once enabled to respond to the call of the poet — 
 
 " Come back to your mother, ye children, for shame, 
 Who have wandered like truants for riches or fame ! 
 With a smile on her face, and a sprig in her cap, 
 She calls you to feast from her beautiful lap. 
 
 Come out from your alleys, your courts and your lanes, 
 And breathe like your eagles, the air of our plains ! 
 Take a whiff from our fields, and your excellent wives 
 Will declare it all nonsense insuring your lives." 
 
CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED : THEN DEPOSED. 
 
 HERE on elevated lands around a pretty clear- 
 water lake, directly on the Florida Central 
 and Peninsula Railroad, and near a famous grotto 
 extending deep into the earth, at the bottom of 
 which, like a well, was an abundance of water 
 containing peculiar fish, near the noted Eichel- 
 burger cave, and vast forests of gigantic trees 
 with sloping hills around, we founded the town 
 of B . 
 
 I was elected general manager, and went 
 north to sell the $100,000 of capital stock, con- 
 vertible at the option of the holder into our lands 
 at schedule price, leaving a Mr. B as super- 
 intendent to cut avenues, build a hotel, and con- 
 duct the general affairs in my absence. 
 
 For several years I devoted all my energies 
 very successfully to selling the stock and organi- 
 zing colonies of settlers. I paid ten per cent, 
 dividend on the stock while I was manager, be- 
 sides furnishing thousands of dollars to defray 
 expenses of building a handsome railway station, 
 210 
 
MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED. 211 
 
 a fine commodious schoolhouse and town hall, a 
 good hotel, and providing good roads. 
 
 I went to Tallahassee, and log rolled through 
 the state legislature a bill enabling us to form a 
 city government, and statutory prohibition of all 
 liquor selling in our new town by incorporating 
 said prohibition into all our deeds. After se- 
 curing these funds and many settlers, also Ex- 
 Governor Chamberlain of Maine as president of 
 our board of directors, I moved to the new town 
 with my family, there to reside permanently. 
 
 Here our duties were in many respects agree- 
 able, because useful, for quite a long time. My 
 wife was mother of the town, going from house 
 to house ministering to the wants of the new- 
 comers who had become sick by their carelessness 
 in exposing themselves by night and day while 
 intoxicated with the delights of this incomparable 
 climate. She formed a union church, sang in the 
 choir, and sometimes played the organ. I was 
 the father of the town in many senses of the 
 word, being the only person having any legal 
 authority, and was expected to settle all disputes 
 whether between man and man or between man 
 and wife. 
 
 Our town was overrun by hungry clergymen 
 of many denominations and from nearly every 
 state, all clamoring for the lucre to be obtained 
 by preaching in our union church. I might have 
 
212 THE GENTLEMAN FR03I EVERY WHERE. 
 
 obtained the friendship of one by appointing him 
 as pastor ; but I made malicious enemies of all 
 by insisting upon each one officiating in turn and 
 taking therefor the contents of the contribution 
 box on his day. 
 
 The air resounded with the prayer-meeting 
 shouts of these ecclesiastics who all secretly 
 worked against me, because I would not allow 
 them to found as many churches as there were 
 inhabitants. 
 
 Many of the impecunious newcomers schemed 
 against me because I could not furnish them all 
 with light work and heavy pay. Some would 
 persist in drinking surface water, ignoring all 
 sanitary laws, became unwell and then cursed the 
 climate and my so-called misrepresentations ; 
 others would ignore all instructions as to the 
 agricultural methods essential to success in this 
 climate, and then denounce me on the sly because 
 their crops were not satisfactory. 
 
 Many wished to act as real estate agents on 
 commission, and when one succeeded, the rest, 
 fired with jealousy, would accuse me of favorit- 
 ism because their own incompetency did not 
 secure for them these prizes. Our house was 
 besieged by day and night, so that we had to cut 
 a hole in the outside door to talk with them 
 when we were seeking a little sleep. 
 
 We formed a temperance, literary and musical 
 
MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED. 213 
 
 club which every one in the town attended, and 
 at this, at least, we spent many pleasant and use- 
 ful hours. I was president of this club, and per- 
 formed all the drudgery necessary to its success. 
 I established a general store at which goods were 
 sold at about cost, but many complained because 
 they could not have unlimited credit. 
 
 One oasis in this fault-finding desert, was the 
 outside colony of freedmen. I employed many 
 of them to do the heavy work of clearing ave- 
 nues, and the air resounded with their cheerful 
 songs, and I had the pleasure, with much labor, 
 to save from the rapacious white robbers, the 
 farms which these colored men had received from 
 generous Uncle Sam. One case will illustrate 
 the many instances in which I appeared as 
 umpire. 
 
 Uncle and Aunty Peter Gooden owned a fertile 
 farm, and made a good living and more by dili- 
 gent labor thereon. A white " cracker " coveted 
 this property, and told the ignorant aunty that 
 he would let her have $300 on mortgage at two 
 per cent, per week, so that she could buy a new 
 yellow wagon, silver-mounted harness and pranc- 
 ing mules, a gorgeous red silk dress with much 
 finery, with which she could outshine all her neigh- 
 bors. These unsophisticated, honest "coons," 
 thinking it meant that they would have to pay 
 only two cents per week, accepted the offer, af- 
 
214 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 fixed their X marks to his unknown papers, and 
 not even Solomon in all his glory was arrayed 
 like this simple couple. 
 
 In a short time they came to me broken- 
 hearted, sobbing, and wailing, telling me that 
 the " cracker shylock " had foreclosed, ordering 
 them out of their house and home. I at once 
 notified the avaricious shark that he was guilty 
 of violating the laws of the state by defrauding 
 and by false pretenses, tendered him the principal 
 with legal interest, and threatened punishment 
 by law if he did not accept. He said, like the 
 fabled raccoon in the tree, " Don't shoot, I'll 
 come down." I paid the money for which, in 
 due time, Uncle Peter reimbursed me. 
 
 I secured the hatred of the " crackers," but the 
 undying gratitude of the negroes, who vied with 
 each other in bringing us game in profusion, the 
 first fruits of their crops, and shedding tears if 
 we offered payment therefor, begging to be al- 
 lowed to show their thankfulness by these free 
 gifts. If one of them heard a threat against us 
 he would guard our house all night with a shot- 
 gun, and would shadow me as I went about in 
 the night, ready to spring upon any of my as- 
 sailants. 
 
 I provided a school and church for these lov- 
 ing, dusky children, and it was pathetic and 
 cheering to see them all, from the tiny picka- 
 
MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED. 217 
 
 ninnies to the tottering gray heads, going regu- 
 larly with their primers and Bibles, trying to 
 learn to read and write. 
 
 Many pleasant evenings in midwinter we sat 
 on our vine-clad piazza, enjoying the balmy 
 breezes, perfumed with the delicious orange 
 blossoms, looking at the stately pines glorified 
 by moonlight and starlight ; listening to the 
 songs of these dark-faced but white-souled 
 serenaders, the whites of whose eyes and perfect 
 teeth could be seen beaming upon us through the 
 dusky shades of the forest. 
 
 On the evening of the day when news arrived 
 of the first election of Grover Cleveland to the 
 Presidency, we were sitting as usual on our 
 piazza, when, suddenly, I saw a flash of fire in 
 the woods, followed by the report of a rifle, then 
 others in quick succession. Rushing to the scene 
 I found a few Southern whites armed with re- 
 peating rifles, facing a large band of negroes 
 carrying a motley array of pitchforks, scythes, 
 razors, clubs, and a few ancient shotguns. Yell- 
 ing : " Hold up ! " I sprang between the em- 
 battled hosts, and demanded to know what was 
 the row. 
 
 " Get out of the way, you damned Yankee," 
 shrieked the crackers, " or we'll riddle you with 
 bullets." Then they gave the far-reaching, 
 fiendish, rebel yell. 
 
218 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 " Shoot," I replied, " if you want to be hung." 
 — " Boys," I said, turning to the darkies, " what's 
 the matter ? " 
 
 " Oh, boss, massa Linkum's dead, de Dimikrat 
 am Presidunt, und we poo' niggers be slabes 
 agin. We fight, we die, but we won't be slabes 
 agin, neber." 
 
 Again came the roar of rifles behind me and 
 the minnie balls went shrieking over our heads. 
 "Boys," I shouted, "you are mistaken. A mil- 
 lion Northern soldiers will march down here if 
 necessary to prevent that ; go at once to your 
 homes ; I will take care of you." Slowly the 
 colored men, who trusted me implicitly, melted 
 away in the darkness. Again the rebel yell, 
 again the rifle shots high in the air. " Gentle- 
 men," said I, to the menacing whites, " come 
 with me to the Hall, I want to talk with you." 
 
 "To hell with you!" they yelled, but fol- 
 lowed me into the building. 
 
 When they had sullenly taken seats, with 
 guns threateningly at the ready, they glared at 
 me like tigers ready to spring. Soon a man, I 
 had, on my way, sent to the store, arrived with 
 a box of good Florida cigars, and I quietly 
 passed them around to my " lions couchant," 
 took a seat on the platform facing them, lit up, 
 and commenced the enjoyment of a silent smoke, 
 they following suit. 
 
MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED. 219 
 
 The tender of a cigar in the South is a recog- 
 nition of comradeship which is a most potent 
 mollifier. At last they brought their guns to 
 the ground arms, parade rest, and the leader, an 
 ex-Confederate officer, drawled out, "Wall, 
 Yank, what do you want of we uns ? " 
 
 " Just as you please, gentlemen, peace or 
 war ? " 
 
 " We are smoking the pipe, or cigar, of peace, 
 Yank." 
 
 "So mote it be, brothers," said I, knowing 
 that they were all members of the mystic 
 tie. " We meet on the level, let us part on the 
 square." 
 
 " So mote it be," was the response in a regular 
 lodge room chorus. 
 
 A few quick signs were exchanged between 
 chair and settees, the ice was broken, the " lodge 
 was opened in due form ; " there was no longer 
 any restraint, for we were all members of the 
 most ancient fraternal order on earth, of which 
 the wisest man who ever lived was founder. 
 They had not known this before. The white dove 
 descended, and they promised on the sacred oath 
 which makes all men brothers, to molest the 
 negroes no more. We had a jolly good time, 
 gave each other the Grand Masonic grip and 
 departed to our homes. 
 
 As I walked, I saw several dark figures dodg- 
 
220 THE QENTLE3IAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 ing from tree to tree, and all that night my 
 dusky-hued friends kept vigilant watch and 
 ward about our cottage. The next morning 
 many valiant war-men in time of peace, but 
 peace-men in time of war, told me what brave 
 fighting they would have done for my protection 
 had I but called upon them to do so. 
 
 I stocked the lake with excellent food fish 
 obtained from the National Fish Commissioner, 
 built good sidewalks, arched by beautiful shade 
 trees ; and many prominent men bought lands in 
 our town. We passed an ordinance forbidding 
 the use of our public thoroughfares to cattle and 
 hogs, and for a while the air quivered with the 
 squealings of infuriated razor backs. 
 
 Our valiant city marshal would pounce upon 
 each one of these long-snouted swine ; then came 
 the tug-of-war, amid clouds of dust ; down went 
 marshal and razor-back, the nose as long and 
 sharp as a ploughshare cleaving the earth near 
 the sidewalks lined with laughing people. Our 
 great Floridian always triumphed, and his pig- 
 ship was incarcerated in the town " pound " until 
 owner paid charges and penned his property out- 
 side city limits. 
 
 Once I saw a terrific contest between one of 
 these long-legged, long-nosed porkers and the 
 lone, pet alligator of our lake. His pig-ship was 
 enjoying a drink when Mr. 'Gator seized him by 
 
MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED. 221 
 
 the snout, the porcine braced and yelled ; the 
 'gator let go in amazement ; the pig turned to 
 run ; 'gator seized him by the leg, then Greek 
 met Greek, teeth met teeth, till the saurian 
 struck him with his mighty tail, and all was 
 over ; the alligator and the porker lay down in 
 peace together with the pig inside the 'gator. 
 
 One day, one of our fishermen brought in a 
 string of trout which far overshadowed the 
 miraculous draught of fishes in the Sea of Galilee. 
 On being questioned as to how he did it, he said 
 he got one bite and pulled for three hours. The 
 fish kept catching hold of each othors' tails in 
 their eagerness to be caught, until he had landed 
 four barrels of the toothsome fat trout. 
 
 Our champion brought from a few hours' hunt, 
 enough quail for the entire town ; and when 
 asked how he did it, he replied : " Oh, I saw 
 three thousand quail roosting on the limb of a 
 tree. I had only my rifle with one ball ; I shot at 
 the limb, cracked it, their legs fell through the 
 crack which closed when the bullet went through, 
 and chained them all hard and fast. All I had 
 to do was to cut off the limb with my jack-knife 
 and bag the whole lot." 
 
 One day this mighty Nimrod brought home 
 three bears and four deer. " How did you do 
 it ? " asked the envious multitude. " I was 
 asleep in my wigwam, was waked up by a rumpus 
 
222 TEE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 outside, rushed out with my gun, and chased the 
 crowd around the hut till I was dead beat, then 
 I bent my rifle across my knee into the exact 
 circumference shape of my house, and fired. 
 The bullet whistled by me for half an hour, 
 chasing the varmints who were chasing each 
 other ; bum by, the bullet caught up, went 
 through the whole crowd, and by gum ; that 'ere 
 bullet is chasing round that wigwam naouw." 
 
 On another occasion, this same man brought in 
 a lot of wild turkeys all ready for the table. As 
 usual we expressed our wonderment. " "Wall, by 
 gum," said he, " 'twas the beatemest thing you 
 ever heered on. I was waked up by these crit- 
 ters squawkin' over my haouse; I fired up 
 chimbly, and daown tumbled the whole gang ; 
 the fire burnt off the feathers and roasted um up 
 braown afore I could get at um." 
 
 " But how about the stuffing ? " 
 
 " Oh, that's nothin' ; they'd stuffed themselves 
 afore I shot um." 
 
 "We had often congratulated ourselves upon our 
 immunity from snakes, never having seen even 
 one in our Bailiwick ; but our sweet dreams of 
 peace were rudely disturbed by this Baron 
 Munchausen who horrified our ladies one day, by 
 saying that he went into our church to make 
 some repairs, and there met a rattle-snake which 
 swallowed him whole at one full swoop ; at once 
 
MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED. 223 
 
 he recalled the Sunday-school lesson of Jonah 
 in the whale's belly, took courage, struck a 
 match, made a bonfire of his hat, and by its light 
 cut his way out with his hatchet, ran to his 
 house, got his gun and shot the snake, which was 
 so large that he had not noticed the man's cut- 
 ting, nor his escape, but was vastly enjoying his 
 after dinner nap. This man long bore the honors 
 of being the champion liar and champion hunter 
 of the universe. 
 
 Thus, rapidly, sped away our days replete with 
 alternating smiles and tears until arrived the time 
 for our annual stockholders' election. On our 
 way to Ocala to attend this important event, I 
 
 conversed at length with the Eev. W , upon 
 
 whom I had conferred many and profitable favors. 
 This ostentatiously pious individual expressed 
 much gratitude for my kindness to him, assured 
 me that my administration of affairs had been a 
 grand success, that I had gained the merited re- 
 spect and confidence of all the people in the 
 town and that he would urge my reelection as 
 general manager, with all his strength. 
 
 The conference progressed very harmoniously 
 for awhile, when I was called out to see a man 
 on some important business, and on reentering 
 the room, I noticed some excitement among the 
 members, when General Chamberlain, the presi- 
 dent, called me to his chair and frankly told me, 
 
224 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 in the hearing of all, that the Rev. "W had, 
 
 as soon as I left, denounced me fiercely as a 
 fraud and a liar, stating that I had the respect of 
 
 no one in B ; that the town would be ruined 
 
 were I reelected; that he himself would take 
 my position without any salary, relying solely 
 upon commission from land sales, as compensa- 
 tion, and that he made this statement at the 
 unanimous request of the citizens of the 
 town. 
 
 All eyes were turned to me for an explanation. 
 I looked for awhile at the hypocritical clergy- 
 man very steadily, until he cringed like a viper, 
 and turned pale as a ghost. I then narrated the 
 statements made to me scarcely an hour before, 
 called upon him for some proof of his accusa- 
 tions, and closed by saying that I would not ac- 
 cept a reelection unless it came to me unani- 
 mously. The craven reverend left the room 
 without a word ; I was reelected without a 
 dissenting vote, and thus closed one of the most 
 revolting revelations of depravity that I ever 
 witnessed. 
 
 This " wolf in sheep's clothing," after an ex- 
 traordinary career in endeavoring to " fleece " 
 others, finally lost every dollar of his property, 
 fled from the town with his family, and I have 
 never been able to hear from him since. I wish 
 for the sake of faith in human nature that this 
 
MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED. 225 
 
 had been the only case of " fall from grace," but 
 alas, there were others ! 
 
 But let the curtain fall. Moral — have no con- 
 fidence in the man who wears his religion on his 
 coat sleeve or necktie ; but try the spirits whether 
 they are of Christ. 
 
 At this time, a party of prominent people ar- 
 rived at B , from the North, to consider the 
 
 feasibility of investing quite largely somewhere 
 in Florida. As they wished to visit the southern 
 part of the state before deciding, I procured free 
 passes for all, and escorted them via steamer, 
 down the entire Gulf coast, touching at all at- 
 tractive points, exploring coral islands where 
 myriads of sea birds nested, encircling us with 
 wild screams till the clouds of them well-nigh 
 shut out the sun ; then we collected rare shells 
 and flotsam and jetsam from far away lands ; 
 one hour, floating over the calm Gulf of Mexico, 
 as smooth as a mirror, then tossed by a sudden 
 tempest far towards the stars, and tumbling 
 down to Davy Jones' locker ; now enjoying the 
 lotos-eaters' paradise, then, as we reached the 
 lowlands, well-nigh devoured by millions of mos- 
 quitoes and sand flies. 
 
 Then we crossed the peninsular, traveling 
 under hammock-woods and century-old wild- 
 orange trees, whose " twilight dim hallowed the 
 noonday," regaled with unlimited fish and game 
 
226 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 to the far-famed Indian River, — delightful recre- 
 ation-spots for a few weeks in winter, but too 
 hot, damp, and mosquitoey for colonies. Then 
 we were guests of the millionaires' club at Cape 
 Canaveral, where were acres of wild ducks, 
 droves of screaming catamounts, and huge-billed, 
 fish-devouring pelicans. We drove over many 
 miles of hard, firm sea-beaches — delightful brief 
 winter homes for the rich, then back to our fer- 
 tile piny woods highlands, convinced that the 
 " backbone " of the peninsular was the only de- 
 sirable locality for permanent settlers who must 
 get a living from the bosom of mother earth. 
 
 Soon after, leaving Mr. B , the superintend- 
 ent, in charge of the company's interests in our 
 new town, which now contained over one hun- 
 dred houses, and had elected a Mayor and Alder- 
 man, I returned with my family to Boston, de- 
 voting my time to lecturing on Florida in general, 
 
 and B in particular, in nearly all the cities 
 
 of New England, distributing illustrated books 
 which I had prepared, and which were approved 
 as true, by many prominent people who had 
 lived for many years among the scenes which 
 were therein described. 
 
 My labors were very successful, and a great 
 success for our enterprise seemed assured, when 
 I received a letter from our directors, stating 
 that a Dr. K had offered to accept my posi- 
 
MONARCH OF ALL HE SURVEYED. 227 
 
 tion as general manager, without salary ; pay 
 bis own expenses, relying on his commissions on 
 land sales, and that as I had declined to serve on this 
 basis, they had felt compelled to accept bis services. 
 As I was obliged to have a regular income for 
 the support of my family, I acquiesced in the di- 
 rectors' decision, and soon, under the new incom- 
 petent management, the company failed ; so 
 another of my business enterprises, on the very 
 verge of a grand success, became a defeat, and 
 again the innocent were blamed for the acts of 
 the guilty. I converted my stock in the M. L. & 
 I. Co., into lands of the company at a great loss 
 to me, as I took the lands at company's schedule 
 values instead of at the cost prices, while the 
 stock cost me — the full price of $100 per share. 
 Blessed is he who expecteth nothing, for he alone 
 shall not be disappointed. 
 
 Our varying days pass on and on, 
 Our hopes fade unfulfilled away, 
 
 And things which seem the life of life 
 Are taken from us day by day. 
 
 Our little dramas all may fail, 
 And naught may issue as we planned, 
 
 Our costliest ships refuse to sail, 
 Our firmest castles fall to sand. 
 
 But God lives on, and with our woe 
 Weaves golden threads of joy and peace, 
 
 And somewhere we will surely know 
 From sorrow and pain the glad release. 
 
CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 FOREGLEAMS OF IMMORTALITY. 
 
 THIS year of our Lord, 1886, brought an in- 
 finitely greater sorrow than the mere 
 financial losses which pressed so hardly upon us 
 in connection with our Florida endeavors. On 
 Christmas morning, while alone in my room, I 
 distinctly heard my father's voice whisper : 
 " James, James, good-bye," and an hour later the 
 telegraph flashed the news that he passed away 
 at the exact time when I heard him bidding me 
 farewell. 
 
 My father was an honest man, the noblest 
 work of God ; he had gained none of what the 
 world calls the great prizes of life, but he had 
 what was better far, a conscience void of offense 
 towards God and man. In the words of Thoreau 
 — " If a man does not keep pace with his fellows, 
 perhaps it is because he hears a different drum 
 beat ; he should step to the music which he 
 hears, however measured or far away." This 
 my father always did, though the music of his 
 life-march came not from earth, but from the 
 sky, and without a shadow of fear, sustained by 
 
 228 
 
FOREGLEAMS OF IMMORTALITY. 229 
 
 a deathless faith, he passed within the gateway 
 of eternal life. 
 
 The winter at last retreated sullenly and re- 
 luctantly to his arctic home, and when the first 
 harbingers of spring appeared, singing the mem- 
 orial songs of the Kesurrection, the old country 
 fever, inherited from many generations of farmer 
 ancestors, seized me, and we bought a small plan- 
 tation for $4,200, in N , Mass., to which Ave 
 
 moved April 28, 1887. Here, as usual, much 
 money was expended on improvements and for 
 horse, carriages, cow, pigs, hens, also for scanty 
 harvests of vegetables, and our only returns 
 therefor consisted of large crops of backaches, 
 nasal hemorrhages, and rheumatism incurred in 
 frantic attempts to coax from the reluctant soil, 
 some slight compensation for excessive labor. 
 
 Here, as usual, I was busied with many cares, 
 lecturing in various places on the subject of 
 Florida and selling our private lands in that 
 state. Like Mr. Pickwick, I was founder of 
 
 many societies, notably the N club, which, 
 
 with a fine orchestra and much dramatic talent 
 soon became the social and literary attraction of 
 the town ; also the Eepublican club, which con- 
 ducted a vigorous campaign for protective tariff 
 and sound money, attracting large audiences by 
 political debates. I was president of both these 
 flourishing organizations, was chairman of the 
 
230 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 parish committee of the Unitarian Church, lead- 
 ing to its enlargement and extended usefulness, 
 was a member of the congressional committee of 
 the district which wrested a congressman from 
 the Democrats, electing, after a desperate struggle, 
 John W. Candler, to the National Legislature 
 in place of Russell, " the sheepless Shepherd." 
 
 On the 16th of June of this year, Eebecca, the 
 wife of my only surviving brother, left her body, 
 and was welcomed to the evergreen shores of 
 the summer-land, by her father, mother, our father, 
 mother, my spirit-bride and her father, mother, 
 and my two brothers who had long gone before. 
 She was a good, honest woman, a veritable help- 
 meet to my brother, and we all gratefully cherish 
 the memory, which is the best attained by any 
 life, that she left the world better than she 
 found it. 
 
 One by one, we miss the voices which we loved so well to 
 
 hear, 
 One by one their kindly faces in the darkness disappear. 
 
 On the evening of the 16th of August in this 
 year, an experience came into our lives which 
 changed the whole current of our religious 
 thought, and forever banished from our minds all 
 fear of the so-called death, and all doubt as to 
 the eternal continuity of existence. 
 
 My brother, my wife, four children and myself 
 
FOREGLEAMS OF IMMORTALITY. 231 
 
 were recreating for a week in the woods and 
 waters of Onset Bay, and while walking in the 
 gloaming through the grove, listening to the 
 music of the band, we saw a notice posted on a 
 
 tree, stating that the B sisters would give a 
 
 materializing seance in their cottage at this 
 hour. We were all skeptics of the most pro- 
 nounced type, having seen much of the con- 
 temptible trickery and fraud of so-called me- 
 diums ; but we yielded to the temptation to enter 
 the seance room through mere curiosity. Here 
 we found in the " dim religious light," about a 
 score of intelligent looking ladies and gentlemen 
 intently watching white-robed figures which oc- 
 casionally glided from a cabinet on a slightly 
 elevated stage and embraced people from the 
 audience who were called to meet them. 
 
 This ghostly procession interested us but 
 slightly, until a form whose features seemed 
 strangely familiar, advanced to the edge of the 
 platform and beckoned my wife to come to her. 
 On responding to the invitation, she was at once 
 encircled by the arms of the visitor, kisses were 
 exchanged, she was called distinctly " my dear 
 sister," informed that the lady in white was 
 Mary, my spirit-wife, who in loving tones ex- 
 pressed her thanks for the kindly care that 
 Lillian had exercised over her three children, 
 saying that she was always with her to help. 
 
232 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 Suddenly, the form called for me, and I went to 
 her as one dazed. 
 
 " James," she said, " I am Mary, your wife." 
 She embraced me with many kisses as in the 
 long ago, and continued : " I am so glad to see 
 you and Lillian, who has so lovingly taken my 
 place; bless her for her goodness to our children ; 
 my time here is so short." Then turning ; " Jot," 
 she whispered to my brother, " come here ; " she 
 kissed him, said : " Kebecca, father and mother 
 are here in the cabinet, but too weak to come 
 out. We give you all our love and blessing; 
 good-bye," and disappeared through the floor at 
 our feet. 
 
 There was no possible shadow of doubt about 
 this visitation from the unseen world. We had 
 " felt the touch of the vanished hand, we had 
 heard the sound of the voice that is still," and 
 henceforth we knew that we walked hand in 
 hand with angels. We realized unmistakably the 
 truth of the words of the poet Longfellow : 
 
 " The forms of the departed enter at the open door, 
 
 The beloved, the true hearted come to visit ns once more, 
 
 And with them the being beauteous, who unto my youth was 
 
 given 
 More than all things else to love me, and is now a saint in 
 
 Heaven. 
 Oh, though oft depressed and lonely, all my fears are laid aside, 
 If I but remember only such as these have lived and died." 
 
FOBEGLEAMS OF IMMORTALITY. 233 
 
 The pages of the Bible, the testimony of all 
 the sweet singers of all the ages, confirm indis- 
 putably our certain knowledge of spirit return, 
 and we know the truth of what the saints and 
 sages of all time have dreamed, and by faith 
 have believed, all religions have taught, it is now 
 demonstrated beyond all doubt and we can say 
 most joyfully — 
 
 " Oh land, oh land 
 For all the broken-hearted, 
 The mildest herald by our fate allotted 
 Beckons, and with inverted torch doth stand 
 To lead us with a gentle hand 
 Into the land of the great departed, 
 Into the silent land. ' ' 
 
 We turned to our duties, inspired by the 
 knowledge that we were guided and assisted by 
 the loved ones gone before. After living on the 
 
 flat-as-pan-cake plain of N for three years, 
 
 again was I disenchanted ; all the poetic illusions 
 of farm life vanished, all the oxygen seemed to 
 be exhausted from the air, the romance of raising 
 potatoes at a cost of five dollars a peck disap- 
 peared, the old farm hung like a millstone round 
 my neck, we sold it and hired a pretty cottage in 
 
 the lucre- worshipping town of JB , on the 29th 
 
 of March, 1890, where we led uneventful lives for 
 one year, until my fickle fancy was captivated 
 by a fine new house on the hilltop overlooking 
 
234 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 the sea, in the town of W , Mass. This we 
 
 bought and entered on the 14th of May, 1891. 
 
 Here at last we thought we had found the 
 Mecca towards which, all our lives we had been 
 drifting. Once more came the passion for beau- 
 tifying our own, and we made our lawns to bud 
 and blossom like the roses ; worshipping at the 
 shrine of the majestic ocean, 
 
 " Its waves were kneeling on the strand, 
 As kneels the human knee, 
 Their white locks bowing to the sand 
 The priesthood of the sea." 
 
 Here we passed four very pleasant and useful 
 years ; consciously near to us, though unseen, 
 were all our loved ones of the spirit world. 
 Almost every night our angel friends communi- 
 cated with us unmistakably through the ouija, 
 and planchette ; they would draw caricature 
 pictures of us all, and give us conundrums and 
 jokes that we had never known before. One 
 evening in particular, Mary wrote us to give her 
 children the best possible musical instruction, 
 stating that May would become a great singer and 
 flute player, and that Ada would be a fine 
 organist and pianist, as well as singer ; that Ida 
 would do well with violin and voice. 
 
 We were incredulous, as they had inherited no 
 musical talent, neither had they manifested any 
 
FOBEGLEAMS OF IMMORTALITY. 235 
 
 inclination in these directions ; but Mary was so 
 persistent and strenuous in her appeals, that we 
 heeded the advice, gave the girls good teachers 
 along these lines, and soon their spirit-mother's 
 predictions were fulfilled to the very letter, and 
 the so-called " Foss triplets " became a veritable 
 inspiration to thousands of delighted listeners to 
 their rendition of instrumental and vocal strains 
 of music. 
 
 The dews of heaven descend upon all the flow- 
 ers of the field, some open their petals, welcome 
 the refreshment and are blessed thereby ; while 
 others close their buds, refusing the blessing, and 
 as a result, wither and die. Even so come to all 
 souls the spirits of the departed, and they in- 
 spire or fail in their mission of love according to 
 whether we open or close to them the doors of 
 our inner sanctuaries. 
 
 The departed, the departed, 
 
 They visit us in dreams, 
 They glide above our memories 
 
 Like sunlight over streams. 
 
 The melody of summer waves, 
 
 The thrilling notes of birds 
 Can never be so dear to me 
 
 As their softly-whispered words. 
 
CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 A PRACTICAL SOCIALIST AND COLONIZER. 
 
 WE found in this town of W , a mori- 
 bund Unitarian Church, with scarcely a 
 handful of attendants, listening once a week to 
 a lifeless minister and an asthmatic harmonium 
 accompanied by a few feeble, inharmonious voices. 
 Our sympathies were aroused for this expiring 
 infant, and we resolved to rescue it if possible 
 from its open grave. My wife and I, accom- 
 panied by the " Triplets," on the front seat of 
 our carriage as drivers, canvassed the entire 
 town, asking all we met to lay up treasures in 
 heaven by " rescuing the perishing," and we soon 
 secured money to buy a fine toned organ and to 
 hire a wideawake pastor. Ada played the new 
 organ ; May formed a quartette with herself as 
 soprano, Ida often accompanying with her 
 violin ; my wife teaching in the Sunday-school, 
 myself serving as chairman of the Parish Com- 
 mittee, and soon our church was filled with at- 
 tentive and much edified listeners and helpers. 
 I organized the Channing Club, which soon 
 included in its membership all the leading mu- 
 
 236 
 
A PRACTICAL SOCIALIST AND COLONIZER. 237 
 
 sical and dramatic talent of the town. "We met 
 weekly in the church vestry which was soon 
 decorated by handsome pictures, scenery and 
 bric-a-brac, the gifts of our members, making a 
 very spacious and attractive resort. 
 
 This club over which I presided, developed to 
 a remarkable degree the latent talents of many 
 who had never before thought themselves capa- 
 ble of entertaining and instructing the public. 
 We had an orchestra of stringed and brass in- 
 struments, in which May played the flute, Ada 
 the piano and organ, Ida second violin, while all 
 our four girls sang solos, duets, trios, and quar- 
 tettes. Many elderly people paid generous fees 
 for honorary membership, while the large, active 
 membership, responded regularly when called 
 upon with musical, literary, or dramatic rendi- 
 tions individually or in combination as they 
 might prefer. It was a delightful and instruc- 
 tive symposium which ought to be found in 
 every town. 
 
 The Channing Club soon became famous, and 
 gave first-class entertainments to very large au- 
 diences at high admission fees in our own and 
 surrounding towns as well as in Boston, thus 
 replenishing the church treasury and greatly 
 promoting sociability and friendship by regular 
 dances and suppers which made hundreds seem 
 like one large family, bound together by many 
 
238 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 friendly ties, each one readily responding to the 
 call of the president to render his or her full 
 share of entertainment and good cheer for the 
 good of all. 
 
 It was an ideal socialistic order, and we truly 
 "sat together in heavenly places." All gladly 
 contributed to the needs of the poor or the sick ; 
 we chartered steamers and went on picnic excur- 
 sions to attractive island resorts in our beautiful 
 harbor ; class distinctions were banished, envy 
 and jealousy disappeared like snow before the 
 sun, and good fellowship reigned supreme. Our 
 rich and poor met together as brothers and 
 sisters. 
 
 Such an organization in churches would soon 
 banish class hatreds, and do much to make this 
 world a paradise like to that above. 
 
 The winter of 1892 was a red-letter season in 
 the history of us all. We rented our house in 
 
 W , to a friend, and lived in Florida, our 
 
 four girls attending Rollins College at Winter 
 Park, where they enjoyed life immensely in the 
 incomparable climate which, with their studies 
 in this excellent school, was of great benefit to 
 them, physically and mentally. I was favored 
 with free passes all over the state, and devoted 
 my time to a careful examination of large tracts 
 of land in various counties, but found none to my 
 liking until on our return trip, we spent several 
 
A PRACTICAL SOCIALIST AND COLONIZER. 239 
 
 weeks at Lawtey, in the county of Brad- 
 ford. 
 
 Florida, within its vast area, contains a great 
 variety of land and climates, and the person who 
 has traversed only the beaten track of the tourist 
 knows nothing of the fertile tracts and delightful 
 temperatures of these green-grassed and Piny- 
 woods Highlands. Here, as nowhere else in the 
 world, nature has provided all the essentials to 
 agricultural success ; there was but one mort- 
 gaged homestead in the entire township ; it is 
 the greatest strawberry mart in the world ; the 
 abundance of nutritious wild grasses render cattle 
 and sheep raising throughout the year a source 
 of great revenue, and the maximum of crop 
 returns is secured with a minimum of labor. 
 
 At last, after years of search throughout the 
 state, we found our ideal location for a colony, 
 and I bonded over 6,000 acres of fertile, well- 
 wooded lands, returned home, formed a syndi- 
 cate, and paid for our tract, to which we gave 
 the appropriate suggestive name of " Wood- 
 lawn." I successfully pursued my avocation of 
 advertising and selling our lands, having an 
 office in Boston and cooperating agents in several 
 states. 
 
 On June 11th, 1894, my brother Joshua, the 
 last of my father's family except myself, was 
 
240 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 suddenly called to join our many loved ones in 
 the spirit world. All our lives we had been as 
 David and Jonathan, and not a cloud had swept 
 across the azure of our sky of mutual affection 
 until the advent of his second wife. He was one 
 of the best men that ever lived, and nearly every- 
 one in his town had been benefited by his well- 
 known generosity and self-sacrifice, and he found 
 awaiting him, many treasures in the grand bank 
 of heaven. 
 
 ' ' I cannot say, and I will not say 
 That he is dead — he is just away, 
 With a cheery smile, and a wave of the hand, 
 He has wandered into an unknown land, 
 And left us dreaming how very fair 
 It needs must he, since he lingers there ; 
 We think of him faring on, as dear 
 In the love of there as the love of here, 
 Think of him still as the same, I say, 
 He is not dead — he is just away." 
 
 Soon after the departure of my brother to the 
 better land, our spirit-band informed us very 
 plainly through " Ouija," that it was our duty to 
 remove to Boston in order that our children 
 might have better educational facilities, and be 
 admitted to the " musical swim " of the " Hub of 
 the Universe." We obeyed their mandate, and 
 the predictions of our angel friends were fully 
 verified. In our new home the older girls met 
 those to whom they were married in Heaven, 
 
A PRACTICAL SOCIALIST AND COLONIZER. 241 
 
 and to whom they gave their hands and hearts. 
 I now look back over a half century of existence 
 on this earth, and my muse inspires me to record 
 that: 
 
 I have ships that went to sea 
 
 More than fifty years ago. 
 None have yet come back to me, 
 
 But keep sailing to and fro, 
 Plunging through the shoreless deep, 
 With tattered sails and battered hulls 
 While around them scream the gulls. 
 
 I have wondered why they stayed 
 From me, sailing round the world 
 
 And I've said, "I'm half afraid 
 
 That their sails will ne'er be furled." 
 
 Great the treasures that they hold, 
 
 Silks, and plumes, and bars of gold, 
 
 While the spices which they bear 
 
 Fill with fragrance all the air. 
 
 I have waited on the piers 
 
 Gazing for them down the bay, 
 Days and nights, for many years, 
 
 Till I turned heart-sick away. 
 But the pilots, when they land, 
 Kindly take me by the hand, 
 Saying, "Surely they will come to thee, 
 Thy proud vessels from the sea. ' ' 
 
 So I never quite despair, 
 
 Nor let hope or courage fail, 
 And some day, when skies are fair, 
 
 Up the bay my ships will sail. 
 
CHAPTER XXYI. 
 
 HAND IN HAND WITH ANGELS. 
 
 IN our Boston home, there came to us one of 
 the most wonderful and inspiring experi- 
 ences ever vouchsafed to mortals beneath the 
 stars ; an experience which solved forever for 
 us the problem of immortality, which all the 
 religious teachings of all the ages had been pow- 
 erless to accomplish. It confirmed beyond a 
 shadow of doubt, our knowledge of the future 
 life obtained previously at Onset Bay, as the fol- 
 lowing named events transpired in our own 
 house in the presence of witnesses under test cir- 
 cumstances which precluded all possibility of 
 deception. 
 
 Mrs. B , of Boston, came to our house 
 
 alone, gratuitously, on her own volition, sat 
 within a few feet of our entire family and two 
 of our neighbors, having no cabinet or any para- 
 phernalia which are always required by those 
 charlatans who have associated the fair name of 
 spiritualism with fraud and chicanery. In about 
 one hour there appeared in our parlor, in full 
 view of us all, more than thirty forms ; some tall 
 242 
 
BAND IN BAND WITB ANGELS. 243 
 
 as were ever seen on earth, others little children, 
 the forms of our offspring who were " still born " ; 
 my brother Joshua, who had been in spirit life a 
 little over one year came fully materialized and 
 was clearly recognized by my entire family. 
 
 He gave me, while I was standing within two 
 feet of the medium, the firm grip of a Master 
 Mason ; his hand was like that of a living human 
 being; he whispered a few intelligible words, 
 saying that we should have no fear if trouble 
 came, that all would turn out for our ultimate 
 good, and disappeared at my feet ; then a tall, 
 finely-formed young man with dark moustache 
 came, beating his breast with his hand. " You 
 see, I am all here," he said ; "lam John Mans- 
 field, formerly of New Jersey. I was attracted 
 to your house by the music. I am guardian of 
 your girls ; I am going to try to help in your 
 father and mother." He vanished ; then re- 
 turned, trying to bring the half-materialized but 
 recognizable forms as he had promised ; but they 
 were weak, and seen but dimly. 
 
 Then came the clearly defined form of the 
 children's aunt, and the girls, who were some- 
 what timid, recognized her at once. She kissed 
 each one several times in rapid succession just as 
 she used to do when she met them in the long 
 ago; called them and my wife by name, and dis- 
 appeared, apparently through the floor. Then 
 
244 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 appeared Mary, mj spirit- wife, and many others 
 whom we could not recognize. 
 
 Little Blue Bell, one of the medium's cabinet 
 spirits, them came, pointing to the door, saying : 
 " See that little fat snoozer ? " we looked around 
 and saw the wondering eyes of our Bessie, who 
 we supposed was " snoozing " in bed ; she had 
 come down in her night-dress. Finally, Nellie, 
 our hired girl, who, being a Catholic, had been 
 warned by the priest never to countenance spir- 
 itualism, and had locked herself in her room, 
 came into the parlor, wild-eyed and with her 
 hair streaming over her shoulders, saying she 
 was compelled to come in. At once the form of 
 a young Irish girl clad in peasant costume, with 
 hair to her waist, appeared, and clasped Nellie 
 in her arms ; they talked a few minutes, and the 
 form vanished in air. Nellie told us that it was 
 a schoolmate of hers who died in Ireland fifteen 
 years before, that they had been great friends, 
 and vied with each other in growing the longer 
 hair. 
 
 These facts may seem incredible to those who 
 have never received visitations from the other 
 world ; but we know that we saw and felt the 
 forms of our spirit friends on that occasion, as 
 surely as we know that we ever saw them when 
 they were with us daily in the body on earth. 
 
 When alone that night, I "dropped into 
 
HAND IN HAND WITH ANGELS. 245 
 
 poetry," and here is what my spirit-guided hand 
 wrote, February 4th, 1895. 
 
 Out of the darkness cometh a light, 
 
 Out of the silence cometh a voice, 
 The pathway of life grows suddenly bright, 
 
 And as never before we all rejoice. 
 
 The dearly beloved who have gone before 
 Come back to bless from the beautiful shore ; 
 
 They speak to us words of lofty cheer, 
 That banish the clouds of darksome fear. 
 
 How sweet to know that there is no death, 
 That the soul outlives the fleeting breath ; 
 
 That guardian angels surround us ever 
 With a deathless love no power can sever. 
 
 We mourn no more the vanished youth, 
 
 We are nearing the heaven of eternal truth ; 
 
 We lament no more the earthly ills, 
 
 For their power will cease on the heavenly hills. 
 
 We grieve no more for the wrinkled brow, 
 Nor for withering locks as white as snow, 
 
 For soon will we greet what is unseen now, 
 Soon to the sunlit heights will we go. 
 
 For many years doubt's saddening shade 
 
 On our hearts its pall has laid : 
 But a gleam comes from the bright forever, 
 
 And gloom and fear shall haunt us never. 
 
 We have felt the touch of the vanished hand, 
 
 We have heard the sound of the voice that is still ; 
 
 They have come to us from the better land, 
 Their cheering words our spirits thrill. 
 
246 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 ' ' We will know the loved who have gone before, 
 And joyfully sweet will the meeting be 
 When over the river, the beautiful river, 
 The angel of death shall carry me." 
 
CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 AMONG THE LAW-SHARKS. 
 
 IT seems to be an unwritten law of human 
 life that every great joy shall be quickly 
 followed by a great sorrow. The materialized 
 forms of our spirit loved-ones had scarcely 
 vanished from sight, when the trouble of which 
 my brother had forewarned us fell like a thun- 
 derbolt from a cloudless sky. 
 
 We had, without a thought of deception, and 
 at prices which then prevailed, sold to many per- 
 sons, lands in Florida, some for settlement, some 
 as investments. Phosphate had been discovered 
 in the immediate vicinity of some of our tracts, 
 and this fact had led speculators to buy our lands, 
 hoping that these deposits might greatly enhance 
 values ; but the usual competition to sell this 
 valuable fertilizer had for the time reduced prices 
 to a non-paying basis ; then, too, an unprecedented 
 freeze, which once in about a hundred years 
 visits all semi-tropical countries, had destroyed 
 many orange groves in the State, and so fright- 
 ened short-sighted, timid people, that Florida 
 lands were at a great discount, and, as when a 
 
 247 
 
248 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 panic sweeps over Wall Street, many frantic- 
 ally hastened to sell, and there were but few 
 buyers. 
 
 This led several of my customers to conspire 
 to frighten me into paying them large sums as 
 hush money, pretending that I had secured their 
 purchases under false pretenses ; but the Yankee 
 spirit of our fathers, "millions for defense, but 
 not one cent for tribute," prompted me to defy 
 their infamous demands. 
 
 Under the lead of a fiendishly "smart" 
 lawyer, they declared that I told them their 
 lands were full of phosphate, and within city 
 limits, although my published circulars and 
 maps stated nothing of the kind. They de- 
 nounced me as a fraud in the newspapers, 
 brought lawsuits against me, attached property, 
 and proceeded in a most brutal manner to com- 
 pel payment of their unjust claims. 
 
 My word for half a century had everywhere 
 been as good as my bond, and my bond as good 
 as gold. I had never before had a lawsuit or 
 any trouble with any one, and so in my inexperi- 
 ence I employed a lawyer friend, who was no 
 match for my enemies' human tiger. They testi- 
 fied unfairly in court, and after many crushing 
 annoyances from the law's delays, my lawyer, 
 putting in no defense, in order, as he said, to 
 save his ammunition for use in the Superior 
 
AMONG THE LA W-SHARKS. 249 
 
 Court, to which he appealed, they secured judg- 
 ment. 
 
 All these slanders broke my never firm health ; 
 I was soon on the verge of nervous prostration, 
 and was ordered by my physician to at once 
 secure a change of climate to save my life. My 
 innocent lawyer supposed that a court of justice 
 would postpone my trial until my return ; but 
 we have now some " courts of injustice." 
 
 Some lawyers are worse than highway robbers ; 
 they make the laws as legislators to suit their 
 own iniquitous, selfish purposes, so worded that 
 they are susceptible of almost any interpretation, 
 thus leading to endless litigations by which these 
 cannibal devourers of reputations are robbing 
 the public of their possessions. They employ 
 spies to stir up strife, and some lawyers and 
 judges seem to be banded together to fleece the 
 confiding lambs of the public. The judge not 
 only refused to postpone the trial until I was 
 able to attend, but refused to have the jury in- 
 formed that I was absent on account of serious 
 sickness. 
 
 We are bound hand and foot, the slaves of 
 these law-sharks, and it seems as if nothing but 
 revolution and the banishing of these tyrants, 
 will ever deliver the public from the worse than 
 African slavery to which some lawyers subject 
 us. We have seen innocent, modest lady wit- 
 
250 THE GENTLEMAN FB03I EVERYWHERE. 
 
 nesses subjected to bull-dozing and abuse by bar- 
 barous lawyers, until they suffered tortures to 
 which those of the Spanish Inquisition were 
 merciful. 
 
 As I was obliged to go or die, I accepted the 
 offer of my wife's brother, a member of the pub- 
 lishing firm of Webster's Dictionaries, and went 
 to California to fight their battles against the 
 new Standard Dictionary which was rapidly 
 driving the Webster books out of the markets of 
 the entire Pacific slope. 
 
 The trial took place during my enforced ab- 
 sence ; my enemies' crafty attorney told the 
 jury that my failure to appear was a sure evi- 
 dence of guilt ; my doctor's affidavit that he sent 
 me away to save my life was not allowed to be 
 presented in court ; each plaintiff claimed to 
 have heard the statements imputed to have been 
 made by me to the others, one of them making 
 love to, and afterwards marrying one of my most 
 important witnesses, and so the verdict was 
 against me. 
 
 But curses often " come home to roost," and 
 my enemies were ultimately not benefited at 
 all, as the lawyer-sharks devoured all they re- 
 ceived from me. 
 
 In the meanwhile, during their worrying and 
 falsifying, I was speeding away in a palace-car, 
 confident that my spirit brother's declaration 
 
AMONG THE LA W-SHARKS. 251 
 
 would prove true that truth is mighty and will 
 prevail, if not in the brief here, yet surely in the 
 eternal hereafter. It is very saddening to see 
 how many, who claim to be your friends while 
 you are prosperous, are the first to assail with 
 poisoned arrows when you are attacked in the 
 courts or in the public prints ; but my conscience 
 is clear, and 
 
 Serene, I fold my hands and wait, 
 
 Nor care for wind, or tide or sea. 
 I rave no more 'gainst time or fate, 
 
 For soon my own shall come to me. 
 
 Asleep, awake, by night or day, 
 The friends I seek are seeking me ; 
 
 No wind can drive my bark astray, 
 Nor change the tide of destiny. 
 
 The stars come nightly to the sky ; 
 
 The tidal wave into the sea ; 
 Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high, 
 
 Can keep my own away from me. 
 
CHAPTEE XXVIII. 
 
 CAMPAIGNING IN WONDERLAND. 
 
 THIS delightful journey was a wonderful 
 revelation of the greatness, power, and 
 grandeur of this glorious republic in which we 
 live. I gazed with amazement for many hours 
 as we flew over the marvelously fertile and beau- 
 tiful prairies of Kansas ; here miles upon miles 
 of wheat, corn, and alfalfa waving like vast seas, 
 irrigated by means of numberless windmills ; 
 there, herds of cattle, numerous as the leaves of 
 autumn ; here, long lines of steam plows breaking 
 thousands of acres of virgin soil ; there mam- 
 moth steam reapers devouring vast areas of gold 
 mines of grain ; the food of the nations pouring 
 into bags at one end, while the stalks were bound 
 midway ready for the fattening of cattle. The 
 chaff flew in clouds, and quickly, from these 
 machines, millions of bushels of wheat were soon 
 on their way to the markets of the world. What 
 wonder that our country now has in Washington 
 over five hundred millions of gold dollars ; the 
 richest treasury ever known on earth ? 
 
 252 
 
CAMPAIGNING IN WONDERLAND. 253 
 
 Now we catch glimpses of vast mines of coal 
 and salt ; then of great cities which have sprung 
 up as by magic ; and soon my eyes were greeted 
 with a vision of heavenly splendor in Colorado. 
 Three hundred miles of the Rocky Mountains, 
 Pike's Peak towering 14,000 feet towards the 
 stars ; great clouds of snow blowing from the 
 summit into the valleys; there cascades of 
 mighty rivers flowing to irrigate lovely valleys ; 
 here the great city of Denver, having 125,000 
 population, and one mile higher up in the air 
 than Boston. 
 
 In this city I met my former college professor, 
 now the multi-millionaire United States senator, 
 burdened with many crushing cares, knowing 
 about as much peace and quietness as a toad un- 
 der a two-forty -gait harrow. 
 
 Then on went the mighty train ; here a glimpse 
 at Manitou of the " Garden of the Gods," with 
 cathedral spires of old red sandstone towering 
 hundreds of feet towards the clouds which capped 
 their summits with halos ; on through the grand 
 canyon of the Arkansas River, in places two 
 miles nearer heaven than Boston; here we see 
 gigantic natural castles with battlements, bas- 
 tions and fortresses whose leveled cannon you 
 almost instinctively dodge to escape their imagi- 
 nary bomb-shells. Now we climb almost per- 
 pendicular heights, thousands of feet ; now we 
 
254 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 slide down into chasms barely escaping the rush- 
 ing waters ; then we shoot through a tunnel two 
 miles long under 1,500 feet of solid rock ; now 
 we rush over vast plateaus 10,000 feet above the 
 sea ; then we catch glimpses of herds of cattle, 
 now of great caves, lone trees with not a bit of 
 earth visible about their roots ; now we rush into 
 Leadville, a mining camp of 10,000 people. At 
 midnight a huge stone rolled down the mountain- 
 side onto the track, delaying us for two hours. 
 Had it fallen a minute later we would have been 
 crushed into nothingness. 
 
 In the morning I awoke in Utah, rode all the 
 forenoon over arid plains ; gaunt, hungry wolves 
 scud away, cayotes ran yelping, and jack rabbits 
 hopped out of sight for dear life ; then we arrive 
 at Salt Lake City, which the Mormons have 
 transformed from a howling wilderness into a 
 fine city, with a surrounding country budding 
 and blossoming with bounteous harvests. The 
 peak towers aloft where the United States Regu- 
 lars halted after their terrible march over the 
 mountains, near where the famous Nauvoo Le- 
 gion of the Mormons surrendered, after their re- 
 bellion to make Brigham Young their king, 
 though he said that by a wave of his hand he 
 could hurl back the balls of the national cannon 
 to annihilate the soldiers of the republic. 
 
 I drank in with delight the music of the grand 
 
CAMPAIGNING IN WONDERLAND. 255 
 
 organ and the four hundred trained singers of 
 the Mormon choir in the vast tabernacle. 
 
 Then on thundered the train by the great Salt 
 Lake, one hundred miles long and forty miles 
 wide, so salt that it buoys you up on its surface 
 like a feather ; then on over the sage-brush 
 desert to Eeno, Nevada, where is the world- 
 renowned Comstock mine, from which over one 
 hundred millions of dollars' worth of silver has 
 already been taken. 
 
 Then we climbed the Sierra Nevada Moun- 
 tains, around and around in a circle, shot through 
 a snow shed forty miles long ; then lumber 
 chutes appear many miles in length, through 
 which enormous logs are shot down by water 
 power from the mountain lake. Four billion 
 feet of lumber are cut here in a year. 
 
 Then on we go past Lake Tahoe, twenty-two 
 miles long, surrounded by mountains two miles 
 in height ; then past Cape Horn, along precipices 
 down which I threw a stone which fell 2,500 feet 
 into the American River. 
 
 We slide down the mountains to Auburn, Cali- 
 fornia, and find fruit trees in blossom, grass 
 green, and crops several inches high. A sudden 
 change in a few minutes from deep snow and 
 severe cold to blossoms and roses. On we go to 
 Sacramento, surrounded by great ranches with 
 vast herds of cattle and sheep feeding on the wild 
 
256 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 grasses ; then on to San Francisco, the Golden 
 Gate, and the unpacified Pacific. 
 
 The principal occupation of the street cars in 
 'Frisco, is climbing almost perpendicular heights, 
 and then sliding down hill. All very pleasant 
 except when the cogs in the cable slip, and you 
 become part and parcel of a promiscuous mix-up, 
 all passengers tumbling over and on to each other 
 into the front end of the car, and if you are at 
 the bottom of the struggling heap, with your 
 nose banged against the door, and suffocating fat 
 parties wedged on top of you, this rapid transit 
 slide is not quite so delightful as when you ride 
 on the top of the crowd. 
 
 Here you can get a good meal with a bottle of 
 wine thrown in for "two bits" (twenty-five 
 cents), you can buy three different kinds of news- 
 papers for the same price as one, as they have no 
 coins smaller than a nickel. For a nickel you 
 can ride for miles to the Cliff House which is at 
 the Golden Gate, where are acres of giant flowers 
 of every conceivable variety, all beautiful, but 
 odorless ; you watch the sea lions nearly the size 
 of oxen, and who roar and fight on the boulders. 
 Then we enter a bath-house, acres in extent, 
 covered with glass, where you can swim in sea 
 water warmed by steam-pipes, listen to the band, 
 examine the multitude of wild animals and curi- 
 osities collected from all parts of the world. 
 
The Golden Gate of the Unpacified Paci f ic. 
 
CAMPAIGNING IN WONDERLAND. 259 
 
 Then we visit the city park of twelve hundred 
 acres, once nothing but flying sand. At first 
 they planted on these dunes, grass roots from 
 South America ; these fastened themselves to the 
 sand and formed a little soil ; then were planted 
 shrubs to stop the sand storms, then trees, and 
 now the real estate is not all in the air. 
 
 This little nickel will take you to a mountain- 
 top overlooking city and ocean, where you can 
 sit under the Eucalyptus trees which shed their 
 bark instead of their leaves, and enjoy the music 
 and the not overmodest dramas, without extra 
 charge. 
 
 The saloons, stores and theatres are open seven 
 days and nights in the week, and multitudes of 
 all nationalities, clad in their peculiar costumes, 
 hobnob with each other in the most free and 
 easy manner imaginable, without waiting for in- 
 troductions, in this the most cosmopolitan city 
 on earth. 
 
 Sometimes you will see the harbor literally 
 covered with the most delicious fruits and vege- 
 tables, dumped into the water, because the trans- 
 portation charges to market would more than eat 
 up the proceeds of their sale. I visited at San 
 Jose, the large flourishing fruit orchard of a col- 
 lege classmate who had spent years of hard labor 
 and the earnings of a lifetime, to bring his trees 
 into bearing ; but I found he had deserted 
 
260 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 his ranch because he could not make a living 
 thereon, and had gone to preach for a little 
 church far away, at five hundred dollars per 
 annum. 
 
 I saw at Kiverside large crops of oranges 
 frozen upon the trees ; but the real estate sharks 
 never allow these facts to be published, because 
 they fatten on the profits made by selling lands 
 to the gullible " tender feet " from the east, who, 
 when they have bought these farms at enormous 
 prices, find to their utter discouragement, that 
 they must also buy Avater for irrigation from 
 monopolists, at ruinous rates, else the soil is 
 worthless. Here as nowhere else is illustrated 
 the truth of the Scriptural adage : " To him that 
 hath shall be given, but from him that hath not 
 shall be taken away even that which he hath." 
 
 When you go to a place scarcely thirty miles 
 distant, which, in New England, you would reach 
 in an hour, you are obliged to travel all night, as 
 you must climb cloud-touching mountains, going 
 many miles to cover what would be only one 
 mile in a straight line ; now you glide along 
 close to the long, lazy waves of the great Pacific 
 Ocean, where the grass kisses the salt lips of the 
 sea ; now from the tops of the Santa Cruz moun- 
 tains, you survey the world at your feet ; now 
 you rush through the red-wood primeval for- 
 ests, giants touching the clouds with their tops, 
 
The Dome of Mount Shasta Gleams like "the Great White Throne." 
 
CAMPAIGNING IN WONDERLAND. 263 
 
 while in the hollow trunk of one of these trees a 
 family of twelve can live quite comfortably ; 
 then on to Los Angeles, — " City of the angels," 
 they call it — a beautiful city for those possessed 
 of means or who are dispossessed of bodies which 
 must be clothed and fed. 
 
 Some have " struck oil " here, and the stench 
 and grime from the spouting wells have ruined 
 the houses of hundreds who have reaped no profit 
 from the petroleum, because they did not own 
 the adjoining lots where it was found ; then on 
 we go to lovely Passadena on a table-land sur- 
 rounded by snow-capped mountains ; but the 
 winds from the cold summits come suddenly 
 when you are melting with the heat, bringing 
 plenty of catarrh for all ; then on to San Diego 
 on the hill by the sea, where the fog is sometimes 
 so thick you can cut it into blocks with an axe ; 
 then on to the far-famed Coronado Hotel, close 
 by the sea. 
 
 In the boom-time, this was claimed to be the 
 veritable " Garden of Eden," and soil was consid- 
 ered worth its weight in gold, but now my guide 
 offered me six house lots which cost him three 
 thousand dollars, for two hundred dollars; the 
 bubble had burst, a few had become rich, while 
 hundreds of speculators had lost their all. 
 
 I swam in the spacious warmed- water sea- 
 baths, communed with the wild ducks, cormo- 
 
264 . THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 rants and pelicans, looked with amazement at the 
 giant ostriches, and sympathized with their seem- 
 ing wonderment as to why we were all sent into 
 this sad, bewildering maze of life. 
 
 At National City the refluent wave of the 
 boom had left many of the houses and business 
 blocks dilapidated and unoccupied save by bats, 
 spiders and flies. You could occupy free of rent 
 many buildings with none to molest or make you 
 afraid. 
 
 Thence on dashes the train to the celebrated 
 Hotel Delmonte, at Monterey, the show place of 
 the Southern Pacific Kaiiroad, which, by its ex- 
 tortionate transportation charges, has ruined 
 many struggling fruit raisers in this state where 
 monopoly holds such mighty sway. 
 
 There are many hotels in Florida which far 
 surpass this as far as the buildings are concerned ; 
 but the grounds are extensive and very beauti- 
 ful, and the wide piazzas are embowered in a pro- 
 fusion of all kinds of climbing vines covered with 
 the loveliest blossoms. Stretching away until 
 earth and sky meet, is an imperial domain, 
 covered with noble trees which were giants when 
 Adam was a baby, many festooned with English 
 ivy and flowering trumpet creepers almost to the 
 stars. Then we walked under long Gothic arches, 
 cool and fragrant. 
 
 Here is every arrangement conceivable for 
 
CAMPAIGNING IN WONDERLAND. 265 
 
 entertainment ; on one side the Pacific ocean ; 
 on the other the Coast Range Mountains, a very 
 pleasant resort for the very rich ; but we found 
 there at this time more servants than guests. 
 
 The town of Monterey is interesting only for 
 its ruins of ancient monasteries and convents, 
 where a few lazy half-breeds alone remain to tell 
 the tale of multitudes over whom the Catholic 
 priests reigned supreme, reducing their dupes to 
 beggary by their extortions. Once these moun- 
 tains were covered with vast flocks of sheep, but 
 the foolish reduction of the tariff on wool by the 
 Wilson bill, destroyed all profits, and the flocks 
 disappeared into the hungry mouths of the 
 people. 
 
 Thence the iron horse took us back to 'Frisco, 
 and we sailed all day and all night to Sacra- 
 mento. The scenery was grand, but the cold 
 weather chilled us to the very bones. Islands of 
 old red sandstone loom like sentinels along the 
 coast, covered with lighthouses to warn the 
 mariners. The twin peaks of Montepueblo cov- 
 ered with perpetual snow, seemed to support the 
 heavens as do the pillars the dome of the capitol. 
 
 Swarms of screaming sea gulls fill the air, some 
 of which, benumbed by cold alighted on the 
 steamer's deck. Lonely ranches are seen, hemmed 
 in by the everlasting hills. 
 
 Our great, lazy boat, propelled by a stern 
 
266 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 wheel as big as a barn, paddled slowly over the 
 muddy waters of the great Sacramento River, 
 made yellow by the turbid waters sent to it from 
 scores of hydraulic mines on the mountains. On 
 one island is an immense smelting furnace, the 
 tall chimneys of which send forth volumes of 
 poisonous smoke, dangerous to breathe, and cov- 
 ering everything with a coating black as soot. 
 Inhaling this, some of the operators die of lead 
 poisoning. Many islands are here scarcely above 
 the water's edge, having little houses built on 
 stilts occupied by the salmon fishers who are 
 seen pulling their nets, and around whose heads 
 whirl and scream flocks of fish hawks, ravenous 
 for their prey. 
 
 After a successful book fight at the capital 
 city, I went to Red Bluff where I was broiled 
 and roasted in a day and night temperature of a 
 hundred and twelve degrees in the shade. I sur- 
 vived only by keeping my head wrapped in ice 
 water; I could neither eat nor sleep, and like 
 Dickens, I longed to " take off my flesh, and sit 
 in my bones." It was a veritable hell on earth. 
 
 The county superintendent of schools here, told 
 me he sold his prune crop that year for five 
 thousand dollars, and went away leaving the 
 purchaser to pick the fruit. On his return, he 
 found that the red spiders had anticipated the 
 pickers, and destroyed the entire crop, so that 
 
CAMPAIGNING IN WONDERLAND. 267 
 
 his work of years came to naught, as the buyers 
 of course refused to pay to feed the spiders. 
 
 Thence I went to San Luis Obispo, and on the 
 way we struck the Coast Bange Mountains. 
 The tortuous upclimbing and downsliding of the 
 train disclosed scenery imposing and grand. 
 You looked down the precipitous rock-ribbed 
 sides thousands of feet to the narrow, beautiful 
 valleys, made productive by the irrigation from 
 many foaming waterfalls. We circle the moun- 
 tains many times before reaching the valleys, 
 traveling many hours to gain a straight-line 
 mile. 
 
 These valleys are lovely to look down upon ; 
 but the fogs much of the time hang over them 
 like a pall, and catarrh and rheumatism render 
 life one of misery to many of the people. 
 
Above the Clouds. 
 
CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 AMONG THE CLOUDS. 
 
 IN the following May, 1896, I took a sky- 
 scraping journey to the great states of Wash- 
 ington and Oregon. The climbing of Mt. Shasta 
 and the Siskyo range by train presented sublime 
 views that no language can even feebly describe. 
 At the summits we were at least two miles in 
 the air higher than the dome of the Massachu- 
 setts State House. As we climbed, I could see 
 from the window of the palace car, the two 
 engines of our train puffing for all they were 
 worth around the curves, far ahead. 
 
 We looked down from the narrow rim of the 
 railroad, thousands of feet perpendicular upon 
 foaming rivers dashing themselves into rainbows 
 and cataracts against the everlasting boulders in 
 their courses. Here cascades, miles in length, 
 came rushing down the mountainsides, shooting 
 hundreds of feet into the air as they struck the 
 giant rocks, and at one place we stopped for half 
 an hour to drink from the soda springs pure, 
 delicious soda water, huge geysers of it efferves- 
 cing, scintillating, silvery in the sunbeams, caught 
 
 271 
 
272 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 in a rocky basin from which it is sent all over 
 the world. 
 
 Above, the mighty Sacramento River has its 
 source in a little spring, almost touching the 
 stars — so emblematical of our human life, which 
 begins in the infinite on high ; is enveloped in a 
 dust of earth ; expands in its evolution into the 
 angel back into the eternity from whence it 
 came ; for science reveals that the springs come 
 from the clouds as dew and rain, run their 
 courses, and by evaporation are taken back into 
 their first home in the vapors of the heavens. 
 
 There are enormous log-shoots seeming like 
 Jacob's ladder to reach from earth to heaven, 
 and in which, the giants of the vast mountain 
 forests are carried by water with almost light- 
 ning speed to the mills on the river ; there the 
 splendid snow-covered dome of Shasta gleams 
 above the clouds like the great white throne 
 described by St. John in Revelation. 
 
 Now come glimpses of little green valleys; 
 here and there, a few small houses and flocks of 
 sheep show that these cases are peopled "far 
 from the maddening crowd's ignoble strife." 
 
 These vast solitudes of forests are very impress- 
 ive and solemn as the day of judgment ; giant 
 fir-trees, pines and spruces, beautifully clothed in 
 perpetual green even to the lower dead limbs 
 which nature has covered with a verdure of moss 
 
AMONG THE CLOUDS. 273 
 
 — like our dead hopes, blasted by the fires of 
 adversity but made radiant by the fore-gleams 
 of immortality. There the bright mistletoe is 
 suspended from dead tree-tops, like beauteous 
 crowns adorning the heads of those who have 
 died rather than surrender to the low and base ; 
 there deep canyons, brilliant with the diamonds 
 made by the sun from the scintillating drops 
 from dashing torrents — so from the unseen 
 heights come the dews of heaven to refresh those 
 who walk by faith and not by sight " looking not 
 at the things seen which are temporal, but at the 
 things not seen which are eternal." 
 
 Here comes a dense white cloud of snow 
 through the air, covering our train with a pearly 
 shroud, through the rifts of which, far below, we 
 have glimpses of lovely vales and white ranch- 
 houses, smiling up at us, above the clouds. 
 
 Dearly beloved — all seems to say it becometh 
 us, not to sorrow for the dead hopes, broken 
 promises, and bitter disappointments of this mor- 
 tal life, remembering that this is not our home, 
 that we tarry here for a few fleeting days, that 
 our true home is with the good beyond the infi- 
 nite azure of the heavens, where dear ones are 
 waiting to welcome us to the endless rest and 
 peace awaiting all who fight the good fight, and 
 who keep themselves unspotted from the world. 
 
 At times, while the train was dashing along 
 
274 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE, 
 
 over the seemingly interminable plains, green 
 and productive during the rainy season, but now 
 parched and arid by the terrible heat, we were 
 almost suffocated by the dense dust clouds, and 
 well-nigh withered by the winds which seem to 
 come from the very jaws of Dante's Inferno ; 
 then the shifting young cyclone would suddenly 
 envelop us with chilling snows from Shasta, and 
 so we oscillated like pendulums 'twixt torrid 
 heats and arctic colds. 
 
 At last, almost dazed by the unspeakable, 
 lightning-like, climatic transformations, the great 
 iron steeds brought us to Portland, the metrop- 
 olis of the great state of Oregon. Here, as in 
 many places on the Pacific coast, people should 
 be web-footed during the rainy season to escape 
 the drowning, and iron clad during the dry sea- 
 son to escape the merciless peltings of the clouds 
 of shot-like dust. The dampness in this valley, 
 hemmed in by the now dripping, then brook cov- 
 ered mountains, is far from pleasant, and covers 
 many of the buildings with unsightl}'- mosses. In 
 Washington and Oregon those who survive the 
 climatic trials are a strong, energetic race, rapidly 
 building up powerful empires in the great ag- 
 gregation of states of our grandest nation the 
 world has ever known. 
 
 The broad-minded, generous-hearted people of 
 this great far west, make no distinctions as to 
 
AMONG THE CLOUDS. 275 
 
 sex in apportioning their salaries for school work, 
 and this, coupled with their numerous co-educa- 
 tional universities and normal schools, has given 
 them an army of lady teachers and superintend- 
 ents unequaled elsewhere in the world. 
 
 The county superintendents of schools are 
 elected by the popular vote, and the women take 
 to the stump-speaking and the usual kissing of vo- 
 ters' babies as naturally as ducks take to the water. 
 Result, — the ladies secure the political plums, 
 and the men are rapidly being driven to manual 
 labor, their natural sphere of action, though not 
 without vigorous kicking against the inevitable. 
 These ex-men-superintendents buttonhole you at 
 every turn, reciting the outrages perpetrated 
 upon them by their successful women competi- 
 tors. 
 
 At an election in a California town, one of 
 these men sufferers, mistaking me for a voter, 
 took me by a button of my coat, and poured 
 forth a tale of woe so long that, unable to endure 
 it longer, I cut off the button and fled. He 
 did not notice my departure, and two hours later, 
 there he was holding on to the button, all alone, 
 gesticulating frantically, and beseeching me to 
 vote for him to save his wife and ten children 
 from starvation. For aught I know, he has not 
 missed me to this day ; but is still sounding forth 
 his wild appeals. 
 
276 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 Should I describe fully all the wonderful scenes 
 beheld by me in this wonderland, I should ex- 
 haust time and trench upon eternity. Suffice it 
 to state that I returned to 'Frisco, fought a suc- 
 cessful dictionary battle there, formed the ac- 
 quaintance of many distinguished men, among 
 them the great Irving Scott, who built the 
 famous battleship Oregon. He was president of 
 the city school-board, head of the vast Union 
 Iron Works, and besides performing many hercu- 
 lean labors, was stumping the state nightly in 
 favor of the election of William McKinley to the 
 presidency of the United States. 
 
 I was fairly driven from this city by the fero- 
 cious fleas, which seemed to render life almost 
 unendurable in hovel and palace. I could get no 
 rest day or night in many parts of the state, on 
 account of the savage attacks of these unspeak- 
 able, insatiate biters, more terrible than an army 
 with Gatling guns. 
 
 Crossing the beautiful bay in the floating pal- 
 ace ferry-boat, I was for a time enchanted with 
 Highland Park, Oakland. In front, through a 
 vista of Eucalyptus, oak and elm trees, appear the 
 glistening waters of the famed inland sea ; on the 
 right are seen the domes and spires of Oakland, 
 Alameda, and San Francisco ; across the valley 
 loom the mountains, in the rainy season green to 
 their summits, on which rest the serene blue of 
 
AMONG THE CLOUDS. 277 
 
 the heavens, except when the frequent fogs bury 
 everything from sight. On one side of the house, 
 at the same time, the trade winds from the Pa- 
 cific chill you to your very bones, on the other 
 side the burning heat is unbearable. Afar off the 
 humble home of Joaquin Miller, poet of the 
 Sierras, clearly appears. 
 
 There are many beautiful homes on this lofty 
 hilltop, but they were all for sale at bargains, 
 for their occupants have grown weary of the 
 cloud bursts of the long dreary rainy season, then 
 of the parching heats of the equally dreary dry 
 season, when a pickaxe and crowbar are re- 
 quired to dig a potato unless you keep water run- 
 ning from the hose day and night. These people 
 long to return to their old homes in New Eng- 
 land where the varying seasons are not so monot- 
 onous. 
 
 I was invited to accompany a religious society 
 on a week's camp in a romantic canyon ; but I 
 was glad I did not when they returned in a 
 couple of days, narrating an adventure which 
 daunted the stoutest hearts. On the second night 
 of their camping, the men were aroused from 
 sleep by the frightful screams from the women's 
 tent ; rushing out, they saw in the light of the 
 great fire kept burning to frighten the wild-cats 
 and mountain lions, a circle of venomous rattle- 
 snakes, hissing like fiends and coiled for spring- 
 
278 THE GENTLE3IAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 ing. The men fought desperately all night with 
 shotguns and clubs. Life is scarcely worth the 
 living with these demons, and their natural at- 
 tendants, the horrible tarantulas. 
 
CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 DISENCHANTED. — HOME AGAIN. 
 
 I HAD secured the adoption of our diction- 
 aries in every county visited by me, and now 
 the publishers desired me to remain on the 
 Pacific coast permanently, without salary, rely- 
 ing on commissions on sales of their books made 
 by me and my sub-agents by canvassing, from 
 house to house. This financial proposition was 
 far from being alluring, for the laws enacted by 
 a national democratic rule of four years had 
 ruined many of the principal industries of this 
 section, and the larger cities required a license 
 fee of twenty dollars per week from all canvass- 
 ing agents. Many houses displayed large signs, 
 " No book agents allowed here," and they kept 
 ferocious dogs to enforce the rule. The majority 
 of the people were poor ; the rich were already 
 supplied with dictionaries ; and the schools 
 would have no funds available with which to 
 buy reference books for nearly a year. Compe- 
 ting agents had visited every house before my 
 arrival on the coast, and I therefore resigned my 
 worthless position, and took the Eastern agency 
 
 279 
 
280 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 for a Tonic Port which had, by its wonderful 
 efficacy, delivered many from the horrors of 
 nervous prostration, anaemia, and kindred dis- 
 eases which afflict so many of the human race. 
 
 Another disenchantment, — another Eden be- 
 comes a Sahara. I had reached the Pacific coast 
 just when the departing rainy season had left all 
 nature fair as a poet's dream of love, and, vainly 
 dreaming that this was perpetual, it seemed as 
 if I would sigh for no other heaven. But the 
 scorching heat and Siroccoes from the Mohave 
 Desert followed close upon the rear-guard of the 
 retreating, life-giving rain-clouds, and soon the 
 lovely flowers died ; the enchanting green grass 
 withered ; the soul of the beautiful vanished, and 
 the suffocating dust storms buried the earth in a 
 ghostly shroud, save where wealth was sufficient 
 to bring the mountain streams for irrigation. 
 
 I had for a time reveled in the dreams which 
 fleetingly haunt all mortals, that there I had 
 found the lost Arcadia, where balmy zephyrs fan 
 the brow into ecstasy forever ; but, alas ! After 
 a brief respite I had, in that land which the real 
 estate sharks called " Paradise," suffered more 
 from alternating chilling winds and withering 
 heat than ever before ; one day sweltering in the 
 thinnest of seersuckers, and perhaps the very 
 next shivering in all the woolens I could command. 
 
DISENCHANTED— HOME AGAIN. 281 
 
 Without a shadow of regret or even a back- 
 ward look, I bade farewell to the Pacific and re- 
 turned to the Atlantic of my youth, until the 
 day dawns and the shadows flee away. 
 
 I sojourned for some months in the cities of 
 Richmond, Baltimore, Providence, and Philadel- 
 phia, endeavoring to impress upon the minds of 
 the physicians the importance of prescribing my 
 remedy, but with no glittering financial success, 
 lingering for weeks in the last named city, on the 
 very verge of the grave to which I was brought 
 by the filthy water of that grotesquely misnamed 
 " City of Brotherly Love." 
 
 I had been, in former years, the champion 
 school-book agent of New England, and pub- 
 lishers had often told me that if I ever returned 
 to this vocation, they would gladly employ me. 
 I applied to one of these for a position, requesting 
 a man who owed his success in business entirely to 
 my friendly aid and instructions, to speak a good 
 word for me, but he at once showed his gratitude 
 by securing the appointment for himself, being 
 aided and abetted by an influential bald-headed 
 man who hated me, simply because I had sent to 
 him a friend who represented a hair restorer. 
 Said bald-headed man had many reasons to, and 
 had often claimed to be, a friend of mine ; but 
 was foolishly sensitive about his lack of hirsute 
 adornment, and said I insulted him by referring 
 
282 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 to his billiard-ball caput. Truly, gratitude is a 
 lost art, and some friends immediately become 
 enemies when they can secure from you no more 
 plunder. 
 
 It is exceedingly difficult for a man who has 
 passed the " death line " of the half century, to 
 find a place where he can do good and get good ; 
 the hustling crowd of younger and stronger com- 
 petitors push him to the wall or trample him be- 
 neath their feet, in the terrific scramble for the 
 bare necessities of life. He drifts into the de- 
 pressing occupation of book or life insurance 
 agency, and at once every so-called friend, who 
 pretended to worship him when he was prosper- 
 ous, gives him the cold shoulder, and "poor 
 devil" is the most complimentary epithet with 
 which he is greeted. 
 
 Analogous with that wonderful Gulf Stream, 
 once a myth, still a mystery, the strange current 
 of human existence bears each and all of us with 
 a strong, steady sweep from the tropic lands of 
 sunny childhood, enameled with verdure and 
 gaudy with bloom, through the temperate re- 
 gions of manhood and womanhood, fruitful or 
 fruitless as the case may be; on to the often 
 frigid, lonely shores of old age, snow-crowned 
 and ice- veined ; and individual destinies seem to 
 resemble the tangled drift on those broad gulf 
 billows, strewn on barren beaches, stranded upon 
 
DISENCHANTED— HOME AGAIN. 283 
 
 icebergs, some to be scorched under equatorial 
 heats, some to perish by polar perils ; a few to 
 take root and flourish, building imperishable 
 landmarks; and many to stagnate in the long 
 inglorious rest of the Sargasso Sea. 
 
 But really to the faithful soul nothing is lost ; 
 though the great prizes of earth are denied us, 
 every heroic endeavor, every struggle to benefit 
 the world sends treasures on high to our credit 
 in the grand bank of heaven. 
 
 There are the thoughts that one by one died 'ere 
 
 we gave them birth, 
 The songs we tried in vain to sing, too sweet, too 
 beautiful for earth. 
 No endeavor is in vain ; 
 Its reward is in the doing, 
 And the rapture of pursuing, 
 Is the prize the vanquished gain. 
 
 We are all conscious of these songs we have 
 tried in vain to sing, and we are confident we 
 will yet sing them when the bodily impediments 
 are swept away, and, as the earthly shadows 
 lengthen, as the chill winds of old age 
 strengthen, we more and more appreciate the 
 wonderful expression of this thought, in that 
 sweetest of all poems of the minor key, called 
 " The voiceless." 
 
284 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 ' ' We count the broken lyres that rest 
 
 Where the sweet wailing singers slumber ; 
 But o'er the silent brother's breast, 
 The wild flowers who will stoop to number. 
 
 ' ' A few can touch the magic string, 
 
 And noisy fame is proud to win them ; 
 Alas for those who never sing, 
 
 But die with all their music in them. 
 
 "Not where Leucadian breezes sweep 
 
 O'er Sappho's memory-haunted billow ; 
 But where the glistening night dews weep 
 O'er nameless sorrow's churchyard pillow. 
 
 " If singing breath or echoing chord 
 To every hidden pang were given, 
 What endless melodies were poured, 
 As sad as earth, as sweet as heaven." 
 
 We have done our best according to the light 
 that has been given ; we will continue to do so 
 until the end, and we are soothed and sustained 
 by the inspiring thought so sweetly expressed by 
 one of our greatest poets. 
 
 "I know not where God's islands lift 
 Their fronded palms in air, 
 I only know I cannot drift 
 Beyond His love and care. 
 
 " And so beside the silent sea, 
 I wait the muffled oar : 
 No harm from Him can come to me 
 On ocean or on shore." 
 
DISENCHANTED. -HOME AGAIN. 
 
 285 
 
 Only waiting till the angels 
 
 Open wide the mystic gate, 
 At whose feet I long have lingered, 
 
 Weary, sad, and desolate ; 
 Even now I hear their footsteps, 
 
 And their voices far away — 
 "When they call nie, I am waiting, 
 
 Only waiting to obey. 
 
AFTERMATH 
 
•v ^% 
 
CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 THE FLORIDA CRACKERS. 
 
 WHEN the previous thirty chapters were in 
 press, the conviction was forced upon me 
 that any book which touched upon Florida with- 
 out a description of its poor whites called " Crack- 
 ers," would be like the play of " Hamlet " with 
 the Prince of Denmark left out, and I gladly pay 
 this tribute of grateful remembrance to the most 
 unique, and the only truly contented people that 
 I have ever met on earth. 
 
 So far forth as history enlightens us, the an- 
 cestors of these peculiar specimens of the human 
 race were never born anywhere in particular, but 
 like Topsy, they " simply growed." 
 
 Why these usually long, lean, lank, saffron-hued, 
 erst-while clay-eaters have received such an unro- 
 mantic name has been variously accounted for. 
 Some say the name was suggested by the fact 
 that when not otherwise employed, they are con- 
 stantly cracking the lice which swarm in their 
 never-combed hair ; others ascribe it to the frequent 
 cracking of their rifles and long whip-lashes as 
 
 289 
 
290 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 they pursue their game or drive their cattle. An 
 ex-slave of one of them tells me that they are 
 called " Crackers," because they are all " cracked 
 as to their cocoanuts." 
 
 Although the faces of many of these children 
 of nature are usually as expressionless as a cast- 
 iron cook-stove, they are far from being as stupid 
 as they look ; for even General Jackson, " the 
 man of blood and iron," would have won but few, 
 if any, laurels in his campaigns against the Semi- 
 noles, had it not been for his advanced guard of 
 the warlike " Crackers." 
 
 " Out there in history " we see him and his 
 army, while recklessly rushing the redskins, be- 
 come lost and bewildered in the vast primeval 
 forest. Day after day, they marched, but always 
 in a circle ; and each nightfall found them near 
 where they broke camp in the morning. Provisions 
 failed, and hunger and thirst drove the soldiers 
 frantic. Every night they were pelted by bullets 
 from unseen foes ; stabbed and stung by innumer- 
 able insects ; death for all stared them in the face ; 
 myriads of buzzards whirled above them, anxious 
 for their prey. 
 
 While Jackson and his men, prostrated by heat, 
 fruitless marching and discouragement, were pray- 
 ing for succor, suddenly the air seemed to be 
 filled with human forms, which to their dazed 
 
THE FLORIDA CRACKERS. 291 
 
 minds appeared to be angels sent in answer to 
 their fervent petitions. Grotesque looking angels 
 were these, swinging from limb to limb of the for- 
 est trees ; but heavenly in their beneficence were 
 the solemn-faced « Crackers," as hundreds of them 
 dropped to the ground and fed the exhausted 
 warriors with "hog, hominy," and water from 
 packs strapped with their rifles to their dirty, 
 sturdy shoulders — " 'nough sight better work for 
 angels to do than loafin' around the throne." 
 While the feasting was in full swing, suddenly 
 the haggard and careworn face of " Old Hickory " 
 appeared in their midst. " Boys," said he, in his 
 quick, incisive tones, « don't eat any more, 'twill 
 make you sick, stow it away in your haversacks." 
 Then, turning to the Floridians, he quietly re- 
 marked, " Gentlemen, you saved our lives ; many 
 thanks ! Now we will do as much for you. 
 Where are the Injuns?" All the tree-climbers 
 arose respectfully, saluted, and a tall, cadaverous- 
 looking, long-haired, coon-skin-capped leader ad- 
 vanced, took the general by the hand, and slowly 
 drawled, — 
 
 " Ginrul, the red niggers air skulkin' yender to 
 the river, waitin' to chaw up you uns tonight. 
 
 " Colonel Tompkins," came the quick command, 
 " climb your forces to the river, pour a volley into 
 the red-skins at sundown, yell for all you're worth, 
 we'll do the rest." 
 
292 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 " All right, Ginrul, we uns mil be thar," and 
 away went the " flying Crackers," facing unspeak- 
 able dangers as calmly as a child looks into the 
 loving eyes of its mother. 
 
 Sometimes they glided noiselessly as the autumn 
 leaves cleave the air over the pine-needle carpet 
 of the forest, and when this was impossible on 
 account of the bogs and morasses, which would 
 swallow them down to unknown depths, they 
 swung through the tops of the sighing pines until 
 they had flanked their unsuspecting foes ; then, 
 just as the sun was setting, they struck terror to 
 the hearts of the Seminoles by an unexpected 
 volley from their rifles and by frightful yells, 
 
 "As if all the fiends from heaven that fell, 
 Had pealed the banner-cry of hell." 
 
 The red-men fled in panic along the narrow isth- 
 mus between the swamps and river straight upon 
 the ambushed army of Jackson, who mowed them 
 down with bullets as falls the grass before the 
 scythes. The spirits of the Indians were crushed, 
 and the remnant of a once powerful tribe fled into 
 the vast, to the whites, inaccessible everglades, 
 where their descendants now live on their fertile 
 oasis, which is cultivated by their negro slaves, 
 who never heard of Abraham Lincoln, or his 
 proclamation of emancipation. " Old Hickory " 
 
THE FLORIDA CRACKERS. 293 
 
 and his gallant soldiers have all the glory ; but 
 their heroic allies returned quietly to their huts, 
 their " hog and hominy," as unconcernedly as if 
 they had done nothing more important than catch- 
 ing a trout or shooting a quail. 
 
 The stolidity and patience of the " Cracker " is 
 equalled only by that of " their cousins, the In- 
 dians " ; I have seen one of them sit for twelve 
 hours continuously in one place fishing without 
 being encouraged by even a little nibble ; his face 
 was as placid as that of a mummy which he closely 
 resembles ; then suddenly he would pull in scores 
 of trout, but with the same imperturbable compos- 
 ure as before. 
 
 Although almost invariably poor so far as money 
 is concerned, owing to their love of ease, these 
 children of nature are proverbially hospitable, and 
 you are welcome as his guest until you eat his 
 last bit of food unless you offer him compensation 
 therefor; if you do that his wrath knows no 
 bounds, as I once found to my sorrow. 
 
 I had been wandering with three other horse- 
 back riders for a day and night lost in the woods ; 
 we were hungry and tired to the verge of collapse, 
 when suddenly up went the heads and tails of our 
 quadruped friends, who neighed with delight, and 
 dashed pell mell toward a huge building or rather 
 connected aggregation of buildings which loomed 
 
294 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 up on a hill in the pines. We made the welkin 
 ring with our saluting shouts, but there was no 
 response, the settlement was deserted ; we stabled 
 and fed our horses in the near-by barn, and led by 
 a Floridian friend entered the largest house. Had 
 manna fallen to us from heaven our surprise could 
 not have been greater ; a huge table was before us 
 covered with enormous quantities of roasted meats, 
 — venison, quail, wild turkey, hoe-cakes and fruits 
 galore. We fell upon the provisions like famished 
 wolves, and when at last our " aching voids " were 
 filled, we were appalled at the havoc we had 
 wrought ; still no hosts appeared to welcome or 
 rebuke. 
 
 On the wide mantel was a quantity of home- 
 made cigars from which those of us who were 
 " slaves to the filthy weed " made selections, and 
 on the broad piazza were illustrating the wise 
 man's definition of a cigar, " a roll of nausea with 
 fire on one end and a fool on the other," when the 
 air resounded with loud reports like pistol-shots 
 and shouts of " whoa, whe, gee," rebel yells and 
 barking of dogs ; then a multitude of cattle dashed 
 into view urged on by a cavalcade of men, women 
 and children. The drivers gave us only casual 
 glances until the round-up was completed and the 
 enclosing gates shut, when the rollicking crowd 
 came trooping toward us, and our guilty con- 
 
THE FLORIDA CRACKERS. 295- 
 
 sciences made us fearful of dire punishment for 
 our peculations. Then a tall, long-haired patriarch 
 saluted us with " Howdy, strangers, howdy," shook 
 hands with us heartily, and with a wave of his 
 hand, " my wife and children, gents," glanced at 
 the impoverished table, when he shouted " glad 
 you had good appetites, strangers, mother, guess 
 you'll have to tune up some more cooking." 
 
 The whole crowd gave us a marching salute, 
 and made the water fly in a big tub where they 
 performed much-needed ablutions, and soon hoe- 
 cakes were smoking, pork and sausages sizzling, 
 doughnuts swelling, manipulated by the many 
 willing hands : then the whole army " fell to " 
 the abundant feast. It was wonderful and laugh- 
 able to see that crowd of sons, daughters, grand- 
 sons, grand-daughters — fifty in number — all one 
 family, " stow away the prog." 
 
 Each one reminded you of the Irishman's pig 
 who was said to devour a half-bushel of boiled 
 potatoes, and when he was outside of all that, he, 
 himself, would not fill a two quart measure. What 
 a clatter of dishes as the buxom girls helped 
 mother " clear up " ! Then we had fun at the 
 milking ; it required a dozen strong men to hold 
 one kicking cow while a woman squeezed out a 
 little milk from the reluctant udders, though she 
 gave down freely later when the ravenous calf 
 
296 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 took hold. If the men relaxed for a minute, up 
 goes the irate cow's heels, away goes the pail 
 " dowsing " the maid with the foaming milk from 
 head to foot, anon the mid-eyed brute would down 
 horns and charge, the milkeress takes to her heels, 
 then a flight of lassoos, over goes the frantic ani- 
 mal onto her back, the ropes tighten until she was 
 conquered and forced to "give down some of her 
 juice." One dose of this medicine was usually 
 sufficient for any wild cow, and forever after she 
 would " stand and deliver in peace." 
 
 Shall we ever forget the feeding of the pigs ? 
 Oh, the wild charge they made when they saw 
 the feed troughs filled ! " Everyone for himself, 
 and the devil take the hindermost ; " one huge 
 razor-back stretches himself at full length on the 
 " dough " in his generous attempt to prevent the 
 rest from "making hogs of themselves"; an 
 indignant young Cracker lassoos the hind legs, and 
 by a dextrous pull sends his swine-ship whirling 
 and rendino- hisrh heaven with his lamentations. 
 
 At last all are stuffed as full as our " grand- 
 mother's sassingers," and then reclining in the 
 sun, they express by their contented grunts and 
 snores, ecstatic rapture as they pile on flesh for 
 the stuffing of their carniverous owners. Then 
 we watched a giant Crackeress feeding what she 
 called her " feathered hogs." With frenzied eyes, 
 
THE FLORIDA CRACKERS. 297 
 
 whirring wings and waring beaks, all rushed to 
 cheat the others and to secure the whole earth, 
 each for himself, very like many " two-legged 
 hogs without feathers " ; a hen seizes a hoe-cake 
 of her own size and frantically rushes away in 
 the vain hope of devouring it in peace in some 
 sequestered nook ; but argus, envious eyes are 
 watching, and her uncles and her aunts pursue, 
 striking with beaks and claws to rob her of her 
 big all. It was a minature Wall Street and stock- 
 exchange, where human hogs and foul birds of 
 prey fight to the death to plunder their own 
 brothers. 
 
 And now gently the night stole o'er us — 
 
 " Night, so holy and so calm, 
 That the moonbeams hushed the spirit, 
 Like the voice of prayer or psalm" 
 
 and until the " wee sma hours," while three gen- 
 erations listened intently, we swapped stories with 
 our generous " Crackers." 
 
 Our patriarch host had been a captain in the 
 rebel army until he had his " belly full of fight," 
 as he quaintly termed it. His wife had blest him 
 with an even score of boys and girls, all now 
 living in this delightful climate, where he said, 
 " no one ever died ; they simply dried up and 
 blowed away into the happy hunting-grounds 
 
208 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 beyond the stars." When a baby was born or a 
 child married, this chief of the tribe " hitched on 
 another house, until now the one-story dwellings 
 covered an acre of his vast lands. 
 
 He and his tribe raised on his great farm here 
 in Bradford County everything he needed to eat, 
 drink, or to wear : his wife and daughters spun 
 and wove their clothing from the cotton grown 
 and ginned on his own fields ; the delicious syrup 
 and sugar which adorned and sweetened the 
 mountains of rye pancakes and floods of home- 
 raised coffee, was made from the cane which was 
 grown and ground on his own soil. He grew his 
 own tobacco, tea, peanuts, oranges, figs, pine- 
 apples, bananas ; he fattened his cattle and hogs 
 on his own cassava and the abundant wild grasses ; 
 his flocks of sheep " cut their own fodder," and 
 the wool and mutton was all clear profit. This 
 " Cracker " family was the happiest and most 
 independent I ever saw on earth. 
 
 All around this plantation are millions of un- 
 cultivated acres where the wretches of our city 
 slums could be equally happy if our Carnegies 
 and Rockefellers would only loan the funds to 
 colonize them there. The millions of dollars, now 
 worse than wasted by our selfish millionaires? 
 could thus soon make this earth a paradise like to 
 that above. After enjoying this free delightful 
 
THE FLORIDA CRACKERS. 299 
 
 life for several days, and we were on the point of 
 departing, I said to our host, " Captain, we have 
 enjoyed your hospitality immensely, and I hope 
 you will allow me to reciprocate," holding toward 
 him a bank-note. 
 
 Instantly his eyes flashed angry fire, he shot 
 out his fist to strike me, when a neighbor said, 
 " Don't hit him Cap, he don't know no better, 
 he's a Yank." "Wall Yank," drawled this six 
 feet of fighting man, " seein' ye don't know no 
 better, I'll let ye off this time ; but I don't keep 
 no tarvern, and when me and my family come 
 yure way, we'll all stop with yew, that'll even it 
 up." As I looked at the fifty yawning caverns 
 of chewing mouths, and reflected upon the cost of 
 feeding them in Boston for even one day, I 
 thanked God that I had not given him my card, 
 and we rode away amid ear-splitting cheers and 
 waving of hands, each one of which resembled in 
 size the tail-board of a coal-cart. 
 
 On another occasion while scouring the Florida 
 country for lands for colonizing purposes in com- 
 pany with a native, the night caught us in the 
 dense forest ; our horses stumbled over immense 
 fallen trees, the owls hooted, the wild cats 
 screamed, the thunder roared, occasionally a pine 
 fell splintered by the lightning, the rain fell in 
 torrents, and we seemed destined to shiver all the 
 
300 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 long black hours supperless and comfortless, when 
 our eyes were greeted by the cheerful light 
 shining through the open door of a log hut ; a 
 dozen curs gave tongue and went for our legs till 
 a sharp yell from within sent them yelping away. 
 A genuine Cracker appeared, and seeing our 
 dripping forms in the electric flash, he quietly said, 
 " Lite strangers, lite, jest in time, plenty of hog 
 and hominy." He led our tired steeds into the 
 leanto, fed them, and ushered us into his one- 
 room shanty, where his lank wife and a dozen 
 children silently made room for us around a rough 
 board table. " Mother," said the master, " more 
 hoe-cake, more bacon," and the obedient woman 
 " slapped " a lot of corn dough on to the blade of 
 a common hoe which a girl held over the " fat- 
 wood " fire until it browned ; another tossed some 
 smoked hog into an suspicious looking skillet, and 
 soon, in spite of the slovenly cooking, we " fell 
 to " in a desperate attempt to smother the gnaw- 
 ing pangs of a long-suffering appetite. Then we 
 told all the stories we could recall or invent to 
 satisfy the starving intellects of these lonesome 
 denizens of the wild wood. " Come, chilluns, to 
 bed," said our host, and they were all stacked one 
 over the other on the one corn-shuck couch where 
 a chorus of snores proved they were in the land 
 of dreams. 
 
THE FLORIDA CRACKERS. 301 . 
 
 Our host relapsed into silence and seemed to 
 be pondering some profound problem in his mind ; 
 but suddenly blurted out, " Strangers, reckon ye 
 haint gut any of the rale critter, have ye ? no 
 corn juice pison nor nuthin' ? reckon I was born 
 dry ! " My guide in reply produced a long flat 
 bottle of about his own size, and passed it with 
 " try that Kunnel." There was a sound of mighty 
 gurgling long drawn out, but finally the huge 
 demijohn was reluctantly withdrawn from his 
 cavernlike mouth with a joyous " Ah, that's the 
 rale stuff, have some mother? The woman re- 
 moved the snuff rag from her gums long enough 
 to drain the dregs, and presto ! they beamed upon 
 us like twin suns. 
 
 " Strangers," ejaculated this typical Cracker, 
 " this is the dog-gondest place ter git er drink 
 yer ever seed. Aour caounty went dry last 'lec- 
 tion, and tother day er went to the spensary ter 
 git sum fire-water er thinkin we mought be sick 
 er sunthin, ther wouldn't let me hev it 'thout 
 Doc's 'scripshun — went to Doc, wouldn't give me 
 ' scripshun 'thout snake-bite er sunthin — went 
 ter only snake er knowed on fer a bite, und the 
 dog-goned critter sed all his bites wuz spoke for 
 three weeks ahed. Dunno what ud er dun if you 
 uns hedn't cum erlong. Naouw, strangers, you 
 take aour bed, we sleep on floo." 
 
302 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 Then he took the " kids " one by one, and set 
 them up with their backs to the side of the 
 shanty, and we, not daring to beard the lion in 
 his den by declining, obeyed. The next morning 
 we found ourselves set up alongside the children 
 on the floor, while the old man and his wife 
 were snoring on the bed. Verily, " For ways that 
 are dark and tricks that are vain, the heathen 
 * Cracker ' is peculiar." 
 
CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 LOOKING FORWARD. 
 
 "IX J HEN I was writing the last words of the 
 
 * * preceding chapter of this book, and was 
 
 about to 
 
 " Heed my tired pen's entreaty, 
 And say, oh, friends, valete," 
 
 I seemed to be trying to awake from a trance in 
 which I had been the unwilling instrument, com- 
 pelled by an intelligence extraneous to myself to 
 expose to an incredulous public the most sacred 
 scenes and thoughts of a lifetime. 
 
 I had decided to relieve the patience of my 
 readers with the thirty-first chapter ; but when the 
 retrospective kaleidoscope closed, a vision rose 
 before me so vivid, so real, that I am constrained 
 to describe it in the hope that the warning may 
 prevent the tragic part of the dream from becom- 
 ing a reality. 
 
 It is Christmas day in the year of our Lord, 
 1910 ; the thunder-cloud, which for many years 
 had been increasing in blackness, now surcharged 
 with pent-up lightnings, and overspreading our 
 
 303 
 
304 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 entire national horizon, bursts with the fury of a 
 cyclone. 
 
 The great masses of the people had for a long 
 time watched with ever-increasing rage the seem- 
 ing conspiracy of the employing and professional 
 classes to bind to their chariot-wheels those who 
 labored with their hands. Gigantic trusts had 
 " cornered " all the necessaries of life, and a few 
 lily-fingered plutocrats in their marble palaces dic- 
 tated to the horny-handed sons of toil the amount 
 of their beggarly wages, and the prices they 
 must pay for every needed article, until every 
 job of work and every bone of charity was fought 
 for by multitudes who mercilessly stabbed each 
 other in their mad fury to assuage the pangs of 
 hunger. 
 
 When the people rallied at the polls, and elected 
 to the high offices members of their own unions, 
 the millionaires bribed these officials to obey their 
 every command, and these mercenary law-makers, 
 as often as chosen, joined the ever-growing ranks 
 of the oppressors. 
 
 Even the almost innumerable colleges through- 
 out the Republic, whose treasuries had absorbed 
 countless millions of dollars, had proved a meas- 
 ureless curse, as they had become mere cramming 
 machines and nurseries of lawlessness and bru- 
 tality. The great universities had long idolized 
 
LOOKING FORWARD. 305 
 
 plug-ugly football kickers and baseball sluggers 
 to the utter ignoring of scholarship, until the 
 hordes of eleemosinary prize-fighters among the 
 so-called students created a reign of terror where 
 they were located, and far surpassed in ferocity 
 even the gladiators of ancient Rome. The annual 
 " athletic contest " between the two greatest uni- 
 versiti.es was fought out with almost inconceivable 
 fury on " Soldiers' Field." 
 
 Irresistible bodies met the immovable, cheered 
 on by yelling legions, each phalanx would conquer 
 or die, and die they did by scores ; they kicked 
 and slugged like maniacs until separated by the 
 combined police-forces of the surrounding cities, 
 and more were killed and wounded than in the 
 entire Spanish War. When night fell, thousands 
 of collegians invaded the capitol of the State, and 
 with savage yells and wedge-rushes drove all citi- 
 zens from the streets ; they closed every theatre, 
 pelting the actors with whiskey bottles stolen from 
 the saloons in which they had smashed thousands 
 of dollars' worth of costly furniture ; they stole 
 every sign from stores, which caught their fancy ; 
 no woman was respected, until their orgies were 
 stopped by the bayonets of the national guard. 
 
 Such " scholars " as these had for many years 
 been ground through these educational mills by 
 thousands, crowding the ranks of the professional 
 
306 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 classes to suffocation. Legions of unscrupulous 
 lawyers, more heartless than pirates or brigands 
 in Bulgaria, infested every city and town, busy as 
 demons stirring up strife, drilling witnesses to per- 
 jury, bull-dozing the innocent even unto death 
 with the full connivance of the plunder-sharing 
 judges, until the jails were crowded with victims 
 who could not pay their outrageous fees. 
 
 These lawyer-sharks packed caucuses, stuffed 
 ballot-boxes, and thereby elected themselves to 
 legislatures where they enacted unjust laws to 
 subserve their own iniquitous depredations. 
 
 But this nefarious pillaging was not confined 
 to the courts alone : armies of patientless doctors 
 must be fed at the expense of the long-suffering 
 public, and as all the people were not naturally 
 sick all the time for the benefit of the quacks, 
 these so-called doctors prevailed upon their legis- 
 lative college-chums to pass laws compelling all 
 to be innoculated with virus, ostensibly to render 
 them immune to various contagions, but really 
 to furnish unlimited plunder to their " family 
 physicians." 
 
 Even the women caught the craze for " higher 
 education " to fit themselves for " kid-glove " pro- 
 fessional emoluments ; they, too, tore each other's 
 hair, scratched each other's faces in frantic foot- 
 ball rushes, tumbling over each other in the wild 
 
LOOKING FORWARD. 307. 
 
 scrimmage for fees, leaving the kitchens to the 
 ignorant foreigners, who ruined digestions with 
 preposterous cookery, which would have killed a 
 nation of ostriches. 
 
 The great Republic might have survived even 
 such horrors as these had it not been for the 
 out-breaking of another craze more terrible far 
 than an army with gattling guns, I refer to the 
 most destructive of all scourges, the mania for 
 stock-gambling. The crafty, unscrupulous man- 
 agers of bucket-shops, stock-exchanges, and bro- 
 kerages rilled the columns of the press with 
 manufactured accounts of vast fortunes made in 
 an hour by imaginary investors of small sums, 
 and at once multitudes of farmers, mechanics, and 
 even teachers abandoned their honest pursuits to 
 squander their hard earnings in the vain attempts 
 to " buck the tiger," and " beard the lion in his 
 den." 
 
 The inevitable result followed : the lion and 
 the lamb lay down together, with the lamb inside 
 the lion, thousands of formerly well-to-do people 
 were pauperized. Thousands of farms were aban- 
 doned, hundreds of factories were deserted, while 
 the fiendish, cheating boss-gambler sharks were 
 gorged to repletion with their infamous plunder ; 
 then followed a frenzy of hatred on the part of the 
 masses against the classes : city treasuries were 
 
308 THE GENTLEMAN FROil EVERYWHERE. 
 
 depleted to feed the starving with free soup, the 
 cities were crowded with the desperate, hungry 
 multitudes who had lost their all, and bloody riots 
 capped the climax of a hell on earth. 
 
 From the cupola of the State House in Boston, a 
 little group of citizens gazed upon a scene which 
 would daunt the stoutest heart ; these five men 
 standing motionless and speechless under the 
 gilded dome are of widely differing stations in 
 life, as far apart as the poles in culture, education, 
 and creed, but their faces wore the same expres- 
 sions of profound sadness mingled with stern 
 determination. 
 
 The tall man on the right is the Governor of 
 the State of Massachusetts, a millionaire, a classic 
 face showing his aristocratic lineage in every 
 feature, a scholarly, furrowed brow, dressed with 
 scrupulous care, and looking at the frightful 
 scenes with the dauntless eye of an eagle. He 
 is the chosen leader of the Republican party 
 winch for many years has controlled the destinies 
 of the " Old Bay State." Next stands a man in 
 every way in strong contrast to his refined com- 
 panion, a short, stout, ruddy-faced son of Ireland, 
 but now Mayor of the city of Boston, a Democrat 
 of Democrats, carelessly dressed, a political boss, 
 who under ordinary circumstances would never 
 have affiliated with his lordly neighbor. 
 
LOOKING FOB WARD. 309 
 
 Next in the line is a smooth-faced portly man, 
 clad in fine broadcloth, unmistakably a Catholic 
 Priest; next is a man of soldierly bearing whose 
 uniform and shoulder-straps proclaim him to be 
 the commander of the national guard of the 
 State ; close beside the guardsman is the stalwart 
 superintendent of the city police. For a few 
 minutes only, these men were spell-bound by the 
 terrible scenes before them. A mob of ragged 
 wild-eyed men and women are straggling along 
 the street, some wearing the red caps of Anarchy, 
 firing revolvers at the windows of the houses and 
 at every well-dressed person in sight, some waved 
 strange banners labelled " Bread or blood," " Down 
 with the rich," " Shoot the soldiers " ; many blood- 
 red flags are waved with demoniacal yells. 
 
 Directly in front of this howling mob is massed 
 the First Corps of Cadets, and the 9th Regiment of 
 Irish militia ; soldiers are seen falling in the ranks, 
 and blood crimsoned the snow, alarm bells are clang- 
 ing, flames are bursting from the elegant buildings, 
 tremendous explosions are heard which seemed to 
 shake the foundations of the city. Ferocious men 
 and women are seen looting the stores, drinking 
 plundered liquors ; the off-scouring of all nations 
 are pillaging, burning, murdering ; the spirit of 
 hell seems in full control on this natal day of the 
 Prince of Peace. Still the national guard did not 
 fire. 
 
310 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 « Father," cried the Governor, " will the 9th 
 Regiment kill their own brothers if ordered to 
 shoot?" 
 
 " My children will obey orders, sir," quietly re- 
 plied the priest. 
 
 " Then in heaven's name, General, Marconi the 
 order ; if we wait longer everything is ruined." 
 
 The Mayor's eyes flashed fire ; he seemed about 
 to countermand — the priest lifted his hand, 
 " Brother, we must," he said — the Mayor hesi- 
 tated ; he saw many of his own constituents 
 among the rioters ; his face was like that of a 
 corpse, then, " Order," he gasped. 
 
 The General touched the keys before him, the 
 Colonel of the 9th flinched as if struck by a bullet, 
 then a quick command, the clear notes of the 
 bugle sounded, the Irish soldiers hesitated, glanced 
 at the cupola ; the priest with outstretched arms 
 confirmed the mandate ; the repeating rifles were 
 levelled, and crash upon crash went the volleys of 
 bullets into the bosoms of the mob. Again pealed 
 the bugle note, and quick as a flash forward 
 rushed the dandy Cadets and the Irish soldiers, 
 shoulder to shoulder in a wild bayonet charge. 
 
 Screams, groans and curses rend the air, scores 
 of the rioters are weltering in their gore, the rest 
 broke, fled, leaving the streets strewn with the 
 dead and wounded. 
 
LOOKING FORWARD. 311 
 
 " Marconi the hospitals," said the Governor ; 
 and in a trice the ambulances are bearing away the 
 sufferers to be tenderly cared for, as if they were 
 the best, instead of the worst of the human race. 
 
 " Brothers," said the Governor, " shall we order 
 the troops and police in every city to fire? It 
 will be merciful to end this horrible suspense." 
 " Amen," came the response from the bowed 
 heads of his companions ; instantly the command 
 was Marconied to every place which was in a 
 state of anarchy. 
 
 Suddenly came the crash of musketry from many 
 parts of the city, accompanied by the grumbling 
 bass of the gattling guns, then the defiant yells 
 ceased, and all was quiet. 
 
 " Your Excellency," calmly spoke the General, 
 " here are Marconis from every city that the fight 
 is over, the mobs have dispersed. 
 
 " Thank God," came the chorus from each in 
 this remarkable quintette who had co-operated in 
 the carefully-considered plans which had so quickly 
 brought peace to the distracted city and State. 
 
 " Brothers," said the Governor, " we must feed 
 the hungry, and give work to the people of our 
 overcrowded cities : there is but one way to 
 accomplish this, we must colonize the unemployed 
 upon the Southern and Western lands, the people 
 must go back to the bosom of mother earth where 
 
312 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 they can have independent homes of their own ; 
 there are no public funds for this purpose, and 
 the rich must furnish the necessary money for 
 transportation, or the Republic is dead. I will 
 personally guarantee the funds necessary to fur- 
 nish homes for all who will go from Massachusetts 
 to cultivate the unimproved lands in Florida and 
 Colorado, which, with others, I purchased years 
 ago to provide for this crisis which many proph- 
 esied was sure to come. I will at once tele- 
 graph to secure the co-operation of the Governors 
 of all the States in our Union ; the evening papers 
 will announce our plans to the world." 
 
 In a few minutes the lightnings were flashing 
 full accounts of this, the most important meeting 
 ever held, throughout the length and breadth of 
 the nation ; the responses were the most enthusi- 
 astic and thrilling ever known in the history of 
 mankind. Money in vast sums was wired by the 
 rich to every Governor, for the purpose of trans- 
 forming the poverty-stricken of the slums into 
 self-supporting self-respecting farmers ; railroad 
 presidents tendered free transportation ; one touch 
 of nature made the whole world kin. 
 
 In an uncompleted tunnel under the harbor of 
 Boston was gathered a vast crowd of wild-eyed 
 Anarchists, and desperate hungry wretches from 
 the vilest dens, who had just sworn with unspeak- 
 
LOOKING FORWARD. 313 
 
 able oaths to burn and plunder the city that very 
 night, to murder all the rich, to commit outrages 
 no fiend had ever dared to dream before. When 
 they were about to rush out and let loose the 
 dogs of carnage and unspeakable horrors, suddenly 
 in the glare of their torches appeared the priest 
 who an hour before, had played such an important 
 part in the State House cupola conference. A 
 hush fell upon the rabble as they recognized their 
 spiritual adviser ; with a voice of almost super- 
 human power, he shouted, 
 
 " Brothers, there is no excuse for murder, no 
 cause for lawlessness, money is flowing in like 
 water to furnish homes for us all away from these 
 stifling factories out in God's pure air of the 
 prairies and fields of the great West and the 
 sunny South. For the sake of your wives and 
 children do no violence ; assemble all tomorrow 
 morning in the amphitheatre, where you will find 
 food in abundance, until we are located upon our 
 own portion of God's green earth." 
 
 The effect of these sympathetic words was won- 
 derful ; malice and frenzy were driven from the 
 minds of these children of the slums, even as the 
 devils were exorcised from the Magdalen of old, 
 and inspired with new hopes and holier aspirations 
 they vanished into the shades of evening. 
 
 All night long the Salvation Army, the Volun- 
 
314 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 teers of America, hundreds of every nationality 
 and creed, labored strenuously in making prepara- 
 tions to feed the hungry, clothe the shivering, and 
 care for the sick. When the morning dawned fair 
 and balmy beyond all precedent for this season of 
 the year, the scene in the vast amphitheatre baffled 
 description, over which the heavenly host rejoiced 
 as never before. The united bands of the city 
 discoursed sweet music from the balcony, from 
 steaming cauldrons the multitudes were fed to 
 repletion with nourishing delicious food ; the sick, 
 the weak, the women and children were abun- 
 dantly supplied in their homes, all seemed like 
 one great family, the rich and the poor clasped 
 hands like brothers, and the spirit of peace on 
 earth good will toward men reigned supreme. 
 When all had been refreshed, while the bands 
 played " Hail to the Chief," the Governor, with a 
 great number of the most prominent in church, 
 state, and philanthropy, filed in upon the rostrum, 
 welcomed by enthusiastic cheers. As the applause 
 died away His Excellency said, 
 
 " In the city hives are clustered far too many 
 human bees, we must swarm out into the country 
 where there is honey enough and to spare, 
 
 " ' Go back to your mother, ye children, for shame, 
 
 Who have wandered like truants, for riches and fame ! 
 With a smile on her face, and a sprig in her cap, 
 She calls you to feast from her bountiful lap. 
 
LOOKING FORWARD. 315 
 
 Come out from your alleys, your courts, and your lanes, 
 And breathe, like your eagles, the air of our plains ; 
 Take a whiff from our fields, and your excellent wives 
 Will declare it all nonsense insuring your lives.' 
 
 You, who are strong, and who delight in buffet- 
 ting the cold and snows, should go to the deserted 
 New England farms or to the broad prairies of the 
 West, the graneries of the world ; but you who 
 shrivel in the wintry blasts, and who are subject 
 to rheumatism and coughs, should go to the sunny 
 southlands where you can work and rejoice in a 
 climate of perpetual summer. 
 
 " We have funds in abundance to secure lands 
 for all, build houses, furnish essentials for tilling 
 the soil, and provisions, until crops can be raised; 
 this money you can repay in easy installments to 
 be used to equip future applicants. All wishing 
 to secure these homes without money and without 
 price can apply at the State House to-morrow." 
 
 A glad shout which reached the stars and glad- 
 dened the angelic hosts was the immediate re- 
 sponse to these tidings, and poverty was banished 
 forever from the Great Republic. 
 
 The scene changes — from stygian darkness, 
 desolation and gloom of dingy, malodorous facto- 
 ries and streets, where ragged, hopeless beggars- 
 for-work delve and curse, to the glorious sunlight 
 and balmy air of the " Land of Flowers." Here we 
 
316 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 see pretty vine-clad cottages embowered in orange 
 groves, and surrounded by luxuriant harvests of 
 everything to make life worth the living. Here 
 we see the murderous villains of the Boston 
 Christmas-day mobs, no longer blood-thirsty, but 
 smiling and happy as they listen to the songs of 
 birds, the bleating of their own flocks, the laughter 
 of their delighted children, while the prosperous 
 fathers " tickle the bosom of their own mother 
 earth with the hoe to make it laugh with abun- 
 dant crops for man and beast." The grateful 
 citizens have named their towns in honor of their 
 generous benefactors, thus establishing for Car- 
 neiges, Morgans and Rockefellers monuments to 
 their memories which will endure forever. 
 
 Thus was removed for all time the antagonism 
 between labor and capital; thus were envy and 
 class hatreds banished from society, and thus was 
 our glorious Republic secured upon firm founda- 
 tions, which will endure " until the final day 
 breaks and all earthly shadows flee away. 
 
 Thus at last the prophetic vision of the poet 
 seemed to be realized in " the land of the free and 
 the home of the brave." 
 
 "One dream through all the ages 
 Has led the world along : 
 The wise words of the sages, 
 The poet in his song, 
 
LOOKING FORWARD. 317 
 
 The prophet in his vision, — 
 All these have caught the gleam, 
 Have caught the light elysian, 
 Have told the haunting dream. 
 
 This dream is that the story 
 The ages have unrolled 
 Shall blossom in the glory 
 Of one long age of gold ; 
 That every man and woman 
 Shall find life glad and free, 
 That in whate'er is human 
 Is hid Divinity. 
 
 The rod of old oppression 
 One day shall broken be ; 
 Those held in night's possession 
 The light of hope shall see ; 
 For tears there shall be laughing, 
 And peace shall be for strife, 
 And thirsty lips be quaffing 
 The wine of glorious life. 
 
 The rage and noise of battle 
 Shall sink, and fall to peace , 
 The lowing of the cattle, 
 The fruit and corn increase ; 
 No more the wide sky under 
 The rattle of the drum, 
 No more the cannon's thunder, — 
 God's kingdom shall have come. 
 
 Some day, dearest, where skies are bright, 
 
 We'll dwell in the beauty of love and light ; 
 
 And sorrow will seem 
 
 Like a far-off dream, 
 
 And life shall be morning, that knows no night ! 
 
318 THE GENTLEMAN FROM EVERYWHERE. 
 
 Some day, dearest — that perfect day 
 
 For which we knelt in the dark to pray 
 
 We'll reap the rest 
 
 That God deems best — 
 
 In the beautiful vales of the far-away ! " 
 
Date Due 
 
 
 ! ! 
 
 
 1 
 
 
 
 
 
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