TV- 
 
 'if 
 
 
 
 
i 
 
 DUKE 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 FRANK BAKER COLLKCTIOX 
 
 OF 
 
 WESLEY AN A 
 
 AND 
 
 JiKLIISH METHOnrSM 
 
THE 
 
 DRUMMER; 
 
 OR, THE 
 
 Haunted House. 
 
 CO M E D Y. 
 
 By the late Right Honourable 
 JOSEPH ADDISON, Efq; 
 
 Falfis terroribus Implct 
 
 'Ut Magus He R , 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 frinted for M. DoosLty in Pall-mall, and D» 
 Cooper, in the Strand. M DCC LXV. 
 

 THE 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 HAVING recommended this play to 
 the town, and delivered the copy of 
 it to the bookfeller, I think myfelf obliged 
 to give fome account of it. 
 
 If had been fome years in the hands of 
 the author, and falling under my perufal, I 
 thought (o well of it, that I perfuaded him 
 to make fome additions and alterations to ir^ 
 and let it appear upon the flage- I own 1 
 was very highly pleafed with it, and liked 
 it the better, for the want of thofe ftudied 
 fimiles and repartees which we who have 
 writ before him have thrown into our plays, 
 to indulge and gain upon a falfe tafie that 
 has prevailed for many years in the Bririlli 
 Theatre I believe the author would have- 
 condefcended to fall into this way a little 
 more than he has, had he before the writing 
 of it been often prefent at theatrical repre- 
 fentations. I was confirmed in my thoughts 
 of the play, by the opinion of better judges 
 to whom it- was communicated, who obferved 
 A- z. that 
 
iv PREFACE. 
 
 iha.t the fcencs were drawn after Moliere'a 
 manner, and that an eafy aad natural vein of 
 humour ran through the whole. 
 
 1 do not queftionbutthe reader will difcover 
 this, and fee many beauties that efcaped the 
 audience; the touches being too delicate for 
 every tafte in a popular afTembly. My bro- 
 iher-^arers were of opinion, at the firil rea- 
 ding of it, that it was like a picture in which 
 the (Irokes were not (Irong enough to appear 
 at a dillancC' As it is not in the common 
 "way of writing, the approbation was at firfl 
 doubtful, but hjs rifen every time it has been 
 a<^ed, and has given an opportunity in feveral 
 of its pans for as jull: and good a<flion as ever 
 I faw on the ft age. 
 
 The reader will confider that I fpeak here, 
 not as the author, but as the patentee- Which 
 is, perhaps, the reafon why I am not diffufc 
 in the praifes of the play, left I fhould feem 
 like a man who cries up his own wares only 
 to draw in cuftomers. 
 
 Richard Steele* 
 
 PRO- 
 
P R O L O G tr E. 
 
 IN this grave age, whtn comedies are few, 
 We crave your patronage for one that's new ; 
 Though 'twere poor ftuff, yet bid the author fair. 
 And let tJie fcarcenefs recommend the ware. 
 Long have your ears been fiU'd with tragic parts, 
 Blood and blank verfe have harden'd all your hearts j 
 If e'er you fmile 'tis at fome party ftrokes. 
 Round heads and wooden fhoes are ftanding jokes j 
 The fame conceit gives claps and hifles birth. 
 You're grown fuch politicians in your mirth ! 
 For ence we try (though 'tisi own unfafe,) 
 To pleafe you all, and make both parties laugh* 
 
 Our author, anxious for his fame to night, . 
 And bafhful in his firft attempt to write, 
 liies cautioufly obfcure and unreveal'd, 
 Like antient aflors in a mafk conceal'd, 
 Cenfure, when no man knows who writes the play;, 
 "Were much good malice merely thrown away. 
 The mighty critics, will not biaft, for Ihame, 
 A raw young thing, who dares not tell his name : 
 Good-natur'd judges will th' unknown defend. 
 And fear to blame, leil dhey (hould hurt a friend : 
 Each wit may praife it, for his own dear fake. 
 And hint he writ it, if the thing fhould take. 
 But if you're rough, and ufe him like a dog. 
 
 Depend upon it he'll remain incog. 
 
 If you fhould hifs, he fwears he'll hiis as high, 
 And, like a culprit, join the hue-and-cry. 
 
 If cruel men are Itiil averfe to fpare 
 Thefe fcenes, they fly for refuge to the fair. 
 Though with a ghoft our comedy be heighten'd, - 
 Ladies, upon my word, you Ihan't be frighten'd ; • 
 O, 'tis a iT-hoft that' fcorns to be uncivil ; 
 A well-fpread, lufty, jointure-hunting devil; 
 An am'rous ghoft, that's faithful, fond and true. 
 Made of flelh and blood — : — ^as much as you. 
 Then every evening come in flocks,- undaunted. 
 We never think this houfe is too much haunted. 
 
 A3 Dramatis. 
 
Dramatis Perfona^, 
 
 Sir George Trueman, 
 
 Tinfel, 
 
 Fantome, the Drummer, 
 
 Vellum, Sir George's flewardj 
 
 Butler, 
 
 Coachman, 
 
 Gardiner, 
 
 Lady TruemJUi, 
 AbigaJ, 
 
 Mr Wilks. 
 Mr Gibber, 
 Mr Mills. 
 Mr Johnfon. 
 Mr Penkethmaa. 
 Mr Miller. 
 Mr Noriis. 
 
 Mrs Oldfield. 
 Mri Saunders. 
 
 THE 
 
THE 
 
 DRUMMER? 
 
 OR THE 
 
 H A U N T E D-H O U S E. 
 
 ACT I. S G E N E I. 
 
 A. Great Halh 
 
 Enter the Butler, Coachman, and Gardiner. 
 
 Butl, 'Tn HERE came another coach to town lad 
 
 I night, that brought a gentleman to enquire 
 
 about this ftrange noife. we hear in the h jufe. This Ipirit 
 
 will bring a power of cudom to the George If fo be 
 
 he continues his pranks, I defign to fell a pot of ale, and 
 fctupthe fignofthe drum. 
 
 Coachtfi, ril give Madam warning that's flat — I've al» 
 ways liv'd in fober families. I'll not difparage myfelf to 
 be a fervant in a houfe that is haunted i 
 
 Card. I'll e'en marry Nell, and rent a bit of ground 
 of my own, if bo'ch of you leave Madam; not bur that 
 Madam's a very good woman — If Mrs Abigal did not 
 
 fpoil her. come, here's her health. 
 
 ButL It's a very hard thiog to be a butler in a houfe 
 that is diflurb'd. He made fuch a racket in the cellar 
 laft night, that I'm afraid he'll four all the beer in my bar- 
 rels. 
 
 Coachm. Why then, John, we ought to take it off as fafl 
 as we can, here's to you — he rattled fo loud under the 
 tiles laft night, that I verily thought the houfe wou'd 
 have fallen over our heads. I durit not go up into the 
 cock loft this morning,, if I had not got one of the maids 
 to go along with me. 
 
 Gurd, L thought I heard him in one of my bcd-poHs 
 —I marvel, John, how he. gets into the houfe when all 
 the gates are fhut. 
 Butl, Why look ye, Peter, your fpirit will creep you 
 
 into 
 
fc The Drmumcr ; or 
 
 into an augre-hole : he'll whifk you through a key-hole, 
 wiiiioui to nmch as juillinp, againll .oqe of the wards. 
 
 CouckjK, Poor NUditm is mamly fri»htevi, tbat'«= ccr- 
 tain, and verily believes 'tis my mafter that was kill'd 
 in the la(l campaign. 
 
 Butl. Out of all manner of qaeftion, Robin, His Sir 
 George. Mrs Abigal i? of opinion it can be none but his 
 Honour; he always lov'd the wars, and you know was 
 mighrily pleas'd from a child with the ni«fic of a dium. 
 
 Card. 1 wonder his body was never founfl after the 
 battle. 
 
 Butl. Found ! Why. you fool, is not his body here 
 about the houfc ? Doit thou think he can beat his dium- 
 withoat hands and arms ? 
 
 Coachm. 'Tis maftcras fjrc as I fiand here alive, and 
 I verily believe I faw him lalt night in the town-clofe. 
 
 Card, Ay ! how did he appear ? 
 
 Coachm. Like a white horfe. 
 
 Butt, rho, Robin, I tell ye he has never appear'd yet 
 but in the fhape of the found of a drum. 
 
 Coachm, This makei one almoft afraid of onc*s own 
 {hadow. As I was walking from the ftable t'other night 
 without my lanthorn, 1 fell a crofs a beam, that lay in my 
 
 way, and faith my heart was in my mouili 1 thought 
 
 1 had (tumbled over a fpirit. 
 
 Butl. Thou might'fl as well have ftumbled over a 
 draw ; why, a fpirit is fuch a little little thing, tjut I have 
 heard a man, who was a great fcholar, ay, that hcM 
 dance a Lsncafhire horn pipe upon the point of a needle 
 — As I fat in the pantry lait nii;ht counting my fpoons, the 
 candle methought burnt blue, and the fpay'd biich look'd 
 as if (he faw Ibmciliing. 
 
 Coachm, Ay, poor cijr, fhc's almoft frighten'd out of 
 her wits. 
 
 Card. Ay, 1 warrant ye, (he hears hira many a time 
 and often uhen we don*t. 
 
 Butl My Lady muft have him laid, that's certain, 
 whatever it colt her. 
 
 Gaid I fancy when one goes to market, one might hear 
 offomeboJy that can make a (pell 
 
 Coachm. Why, may noi the parfc)a of our parifh lay 
 him ? 
 
 BuU. 
 
Th Haunted Hours, a 
 
 Butl. No, no, no, our parfon cannot lay him, 
 
 Coachni' Why not he as well as anoiher man ? 
 
 Butl. Why, ye fool, he is not quaUired — he has not 
 taken ihe oaths. 
 
 Card. Why d'ye think John, that the fpirit wou'd 
 take the law of him — faith, I could tell you one way to 
 drive him off. 
 
 Coachm. How's that ? 
 
 Gard. ril tell you immedi?^tely [ir//;i/]— I fancy Mrs 
 Abigal might fcold him out of the houle. 
 
 Coachm. Ay, fhe has a tongue that would drown his 
 drum if any thing cou'd. 
 
 ButL Pugh, this is all froth \ you underfland nothing 
 of the matter — the next time it makes a noife, 1*11 tell 
 you what ought to be done — I wou'd have the He ward 
 fpeak Latm to it. 
 
 Coachm, Ay, that wou'd do,^ if the fte ward had but. 
 courage. 
 
 Card. There you have it — He's a fearful man. If 
 I had as much learning as he, and 1 met the ghoft, I'd tell 
 him his own ! but alack what can one o: us poor men do 
 with a fpirit, that can neither write nor read ? 
 
 ButL Thoa art always cracking and boalhng, Peter ; 
 thou doft not know what- mifchiet it might do thee, if 
 fucb a filly dog as thee fhould offer to fpeak to it. For 
 otighi I know, he might flea thee alive, and make parch? 
 ment ef thy fidn to cover his drum with. 
 
 Card. A fiddle (tick ! tell not me — I fear nothing j 
 not 1 ! 1 never did harm in my life, I never committed 
 murder. 
 
 ButL I verily believe thee, "keep thy temper, Peter; 
 after fupper we'll drink each of us a double mug, and 
 then let come what will. 
 
 Card. Why that's well (aid, John, an honefl man that 
 
 is not quilt fober, has nothing to fear ^Here's to ye — 
 
 why how il he fhou'd come this minute, here wou'd I 
 rtand. Ha I what noife is that I 
 
 ButL and Coachm. Ha! where! , 
 
 Card. The devil ! the devil ! Oh no, 'tis Mrs Abigal . 
 ButL Ay, faith ! 'tis ihe; 'tis Mrs Abigal ! a good mif- 
 
 lake ! 'tis Mrs Abigal, 
 
 EnUr 
 
lo The Drummer; #r, 
 
 Enter Abigal. 
 
 ^hig. Here are your drunken Tots for you ! Is this a 
 time to be a guzzling, uhcn gentry arc come to the 
 houfe ! why don't you lay your cloth ? How come you 
 out of the ftdbles ? Why are not you at woik ia your 
 garden ? 
 
 Card, Why, yonder's the fine Londoner and Madam 
 fetching a walk together, and meihought they look*d as 
 if they (hould fay they had rather have my room than my 
 company. 
 
 Butl. And fo forfcoth being all three met together, 
 ve are doing our endeavours to drink this fame drumiier 
 out of our heads. 
 
 Card. For you mud know, Mrs Abigal, we are all of 
 opinion that one can't be a match for him, uolefs one be 
 as drunk as a drum. 
 
 Coacbvi, I am refolved to give Madam warning to hire 
 hcrfelf another coachman ; for I came to {tx'jt my mafler, 
 d'ye fee, while he was alive, but do fuppofe tliai he has 
 DO farther occafion for a coach, now he walks. 
 
 Butl. Truly, xMrs Abigal, I mall needs lay, that this 
 fame fpirit is a very odd fort of a body, after all, to fright 
 Madam and his old fervants at this rare. 
 
 Card. And truly, Mrs Abigal, I muil needs fay, I 
 ferv'd my mafler contentedly, while he wa<; living ; but I 
 will ferve no man living, (that is, no man that is not liv- 
 ing) without double wages. 
 
 Abig. Ay, 'tis fuch cowards as you that go about with 
 idle ftories to difgrace the houfe and bring 'io mary (Iron- 
 gers about it ;:you hiit frighten yourfelvts, and then your 
 neighbours. 
 
 Card. Frightned ? I fcorn your words. Frighten'd 
 quotha I 
 
 yibig. What you fot ! are you grown pot-valiant ? 
 
 Card. Frij^hten'J with a drum I that's a good one I 
 'twill do us no harm, I'll anfwer for it. It will bring no 
 bloodflied along with it^ take my word. It founds as 
 like a train band drum as ever I heard in my life. 
 
 Butl. Pr'ytheee, Peicr, don't be fo prcfumptuous. 
 
 Abig. Well, thefc drunken rogues take it as I could 
 
 GarJ. 
 
The HaiHited Ho u s e . x r 
 
 Card, \ fcom^o be fri'ghtned, now I'm In for't! if 
 old dab a-bub fhould come isto the room, I wou'd lake 
 him — — 
 
 ButL Pr*ythce hold thy tongue. 
 
 Cmrd. I wou'd take him. — 
 
 \Jhe drum heats, the Gardiner 
 endeavoun to get '/", ard jails, 
 
 ButL and Coachm, Speak to it, Mrs Abigd, 
 
 Card, Spare my HfCi and t;ike all 1 have. 
 
 Coachm. Make off, make off, good butler, and ?et 
 us go hide ourfelvcs in the cellar. {They all run off, 
 Abigal fola, 
 
 ^hig So, now the coaft is c'ear, I may venture to caH 
 out my drummer — But firft let me fhut the door, left we 
 be furpriz^ed. Mr Fantome ! Mr Fantome ! \J{e heats. 1 
 Naj', nay, pray come out, the enemy's fled — -t muft ffcak 
 with you immedikiely —don't ftay to beat a parley, 
 
 \Thc hack fcene openr and difeovers 
 Fantotne iviih a arum, 
 
 Tant. Dear Mrs Nabby, I have overheard all that 
 lias been faid, and fii^.d thou haft managed this thing fo 
 well, that I cou'd lake th^e in my arms, and kifs thee— 
 if my dium did not ftand in my way. 
 
 Mig. Well, O' my confcu nee, you are the merrl- 
 cft ghoft ! and the very pidure of Sir George Trueman. 
 
 Fant. There you flarier me, Mrs Abigal : Sir George 
 had that freftinefs in his looks, that we men of the town 
 cannot come up to. 
 
 Abig, Oh ! death may have altcr'd you, you know 
 
 befides, you muft coofider, you loft a great deal of blood 
 in the battle. 
 
 Fant. Ay, that's right ; let me look never ^o pale, 
 this cut crofs my forehead will keep me in countenance. 
 
 Abig* *Tis juft fuch a one as my mafter receiv'd from 
 a curfed French trooper, as my Lady's letter inform'd 
 her. 
 
 Fant, It happens luckily that this fuit of cloaths of 
 Sir George's fits me (b well: I think— I can't fail bit- 
 ing the atf of a man with whom I was fo long acquain- 
 ted. 
 
4 2 The Drummer; er, 
 
 Ak'f/' You are ihc very man — I vow I almoft {hrt 
 Avbcn I look upon you. 
 
 Fant But what good will this do me, if I mud remain 
 invifible ? 
 
 /4bi(^' Pray what good did your bcln<^ vrlTole do yoti ? 
 The fair Mr Fantome thought no woman cou'd '.viih- 
 ftand hir.— but whm you were feen by my !ady in your 
 proper pcrfon, ^fter /he had taken a full lurvey of you, 
 and heard a! the pretty things you cou'd fay, fhc very 
 civilly diOliifs'd you for the fake of this empty, noify 
 creature TinfeL She fancies you have been gone from 
 hence this forln';^ht. 
 
 Fnnt. Why really I love thy Lady (b well, that tho' 
 I had no hopes of gaining her for myfelf, I cou'd not bear 
 to fee her given to another, efpecvaily fuch a wrei^ as 
 Tinfel. 
 
 Abig* Well, tell me truly, Mr Fantome, have you 
 not a grc.it opinion of my fidelity to my dear Lady, that 
 1 would not fuffer her to be deluded in this manner, for 
 lefs than a thoufand pound ? 
 
 Fant. Thou art always remembring me of my pro* 
 mife — ihou (halt have it, if thou canft brin^ our prQ;e<fl 
 .to bear; doft not kno'.v that (lories of ghods and appa- 
 ritions generally end in a pot of money. 
 
 Abig, Why, truly now Mr Fantome, I fliould think 
 myfelf a very bad woman, if I had done what 1 do, tor 
 a farthing lefs. 
 
 Fant, Dear Abigal, how I admire thy virtue ! 
 Abig. N<% no, Mr Fantome, I defy the worll of my 
 enemies to fay I love mifchicf for mifchicr's fake. 
 
 Fant. But is thy Lady perfuaded that 1 am the ghofl 
 of her deceafed husband ? 
 
 Ablg, I endeavour to make her believe fo, and tell 
 her every time your drum rattles, that her husband is 
 chiding her tor entertaining this new love. 
 
 Fant. Pry'thcc make ufc o! ail thy ait, for I am tir'd 
 to death with Urowiing round this wide old houie, like 
 a rat behind a wainfcot. 
 
 /Ibig. Did not I tell you, 'tvas the purcll pl<^ce in the 
 world for you to play your tricks in ? there's none of the 
 family that knows every hole and corner in it, bcfides 
 cjyfclf. 
 
 Fant. 
 
T/jf Kfuntfd House. i; 
 
 Tatit* Ah Mrs Abigal ! you have had your intrigues. 
 
 J^hig. For you mwi\ know, when f was a romping 
 young girl, I was a mighty lover of hide and feek* 
 
 Fant. \ believe, by this time, I am as well acquain- 
 ted with the houfe as yourfeir. 
 
 Ahig, You arc very much miflaken, Mr Fantorre : 
 but no master for that ; here is to be your flation to night. 
 This is a place unknown to any one living befides myfcif, 
 'fince the death of the joiner ; who, youmuft underftand, 
 being a lover of mine, contrived the wainfcot to move to 
 and fro, in the manner that you find it. I defign'd it for 
 a wardrobe for my Lady's caft cloaths. Oh ! the fto- 
 machers, ftays, petticoats, commodes, laced (hoes, and 
 good things that I have had in it^-pray take care you 
 don't break the cheny-brandy bottle that (tands up ie 
 the earner. 
 
 Fant. Well, Mrs Abigal, I hire your cloret of you 
 but fdr this one night — —a thoufatid pound you know 
 is a very good rent. 
 
 y^%. Well, get you gone; you have fuch away 
 with you, there's no denying you any thing ! 
 
 Fant, I'm a thinking how TinftI uiil {fare when he 
 fees me come out of the wall; for I'm refolv'd to make 
 my appearance to night. 
 
 Abig. Get you in , get you in, my Lady's at the door. 
 
 Ficit. pray lak-e care (he does not keep me upfo late 
 as (lie did lail night, or depend upon it I'll beat iheTatoo. 
 
 Ab'ig. I'm undone I I'm undone — \_A* hs is going in^ 
 Mr Fantome. Mr F^ntome, you have put the thouiand 
 pound bond into my brother's hands. 
 
 Fant, Thou flialt have it, 1 tell thee, thou flialt have 
 it. \Jt antome gies in, 
 
 Abig, No more words — vanifii, vaniih. 
 
 Entsr Lady. 
 Abig. [opening the door.} Oh, dear Madam, was it 
 you that made fucli a knocking ? my heart oocs fo beat—' 
 i vow you havt: frighted me lo deaih — 1 thought veriiy 
 it had been the drun.mer. 
 
 Lady, 1 have been ibowing the garden to Mr Tinfel ; 
 
 he's 
 B 
 
. 4 '^he Drummer ; or, 
 
 "e*s moft infufFcrably witty cpon us about the flory of the 
 
 /Ibig. Indeed, Madam, hc*s t very loofe man ! I'm 
 afraid 'tis he that hinders my poor mader from reflmg 
 io his grave. 
 
 Lady, Welli an infidel is fuch a novelty in the coun- 
 try, that I am rcfolv'd to divert myfelf a day or two at 
 leaf! with the oddneis of hii converfation. 
 
 Abig^ Ah, Mailam ! the drum began to beat in the 
 houfe as Toon as ever this creature was admitted to vilit 
 you. All the while Mr Fantome made his addrefles to 
 you, there was not a moufe flirting ia the family more 
 than tffcd to be. 
 
 Lady, This baggage has fome defign upon me, more 
 than I can yet difcover. \jiJidc-'\ — Mr Fantome was al- 
 ways thy favourite. 
 
 Jhig. Ay, and fhould have been yours too, by my con* 
 fent ! Mr Fantome was not fuch a flight fantaftic thing as 
 this is. — Mr Fantome was the beft built man one (hou*4 
 4ee in a fummer's day ! Mr Fantome was a man of ho- 
 rour, and lov'd you 1 poor foul \ how he figh'd when he 
 has talked to me of my har4- hearted lady— — Well f f 
 had as lief as a thoufaod pounds you would marry Mr 
 Fantome ! 
 
 Lady. To tell thee truly, I lov*d him well enough till 
 I found he lov'd me fo much. But Mr Tinfel makes his 
 court to me with fo much negled and indifference, and 
 viih fuch an agreeable faucincfs — not that 1 fay I'll mar- 
 ry him. 
 
 Abig, Marry him, quoth a J no, if you fhould, you'll 
 
 be avvaken'd fooner than married couples generally arc 
 
 you'll qiickly have a drum at your window. 
 
 Lady, I'll hide my contempt of TinftI, foe once, Iflt 
 be but to fee what this wench drives at. \af.de. 
 
 Abg* Why, fuppofe your husband, after this fair war- 
 ning he has given you, flicu'd found you an alarm at mid- 
 night ; then open your curtains with a faoe as paje as my 
 apron, and cry cut wiih a hollow voice, what do(l thou 
 do in bed « ith this fpindie flianked fellow ? 
 
 lady, \^ hy wilt thou needs have it to be my huiband? 
 he never had any reafon to be offended at me, I al- 
 ways 
 
T/^f Haunted House. i 
 
 ways lov'd' him while he was living, and (hould prefer 
 him to any man, were he foftill. Mr Tinfel is inded very 
 idle in his talk, but I faocy, Abigal, a difcreet wonran 
 might reform him. 
 
 Ai>i£. That's a likely matter indeed ? did you ever 
 hear of a woman who had power over a rma when fhc 
 was his wife, that had none while (he was his miitrefs ! 
 oh ! there's nothing in the world improves a mao in his 
 complaifancc like marriage t 
 
 Lady. He is indeed, at prefect, too famiJiar: in bis co.i- 
 verfation. 
 
 y^%. Familiar I Madam, in troth, he's downright 
 rade. 
 
 Lady. But that you know, Abigal, fhows he has no 
 
 diffimulation in him then he is apt to je(l a little too 
 
 much upon g»ave fubje(5ls. 
 
 y^ifig. Grave fubjeds ! he jsfts upon the church. 
 
 Laay But that you know, Abigal, may be only to 
 fhew his wit— then it mufl be owo'd he's extreme.'/ 
 talkative. 
 
 y^%. Talkative d'ye call it ! he's downright imper* 
 tinent. 
 
 Lady. But that you know, Abigal, is a figp. he has 
 been us'd to good cjmpany— —then indeed he is very 
 pofitive. 
 
 j^hig, Pofuive ! why he corvtra Ji<5ls you in every thing^^ 
 you fay. 
 
 Lady. But then you know, Abigal, he has been edu- 
 cated at the Inns oi Court. 
 
 Jifg. A blefled education indeed ! it Iws made hini- 
 forget his catcchifm ! 
 
 Ludy, You talk as if you hated him. 
 
 y^l'ig. You talk as if you lov'd him. 
 
 Lady. Hold your tongue 1 here he comes. 
 Enfsr Tinfel. 
 
 Tin/. My dear widow ! 
 
 ^Ifig. My dear widow ! marry come up ! Sj'fide^ 
 
 Lady. Let him alone, Abigal, fo long as he does not 
 call me my dear wife, there's no harm done. 
 
 Tinf. I have been moft ridiculoufly diverted fince I 
 leit you — your fervants have made a concert of my boo- 
 by. 
 2-2 
 
1 6 Thf Drammer ; cr, 
 
 by. His head is fo filled with this foolilli ftory of a drum* 
 raer, that I expt^ the rogue will be afraid, hereafter 
 to go upon a mefTiige by moon light. 
 
 Lady. Ah, Mr Tinfel, what a lofs of billetdouJl would 
 Chat be to many a fine Lady ! 
 
 /Ihig. Then you ftill believe this to be a foolirti (lory ? 
 1 thought my Lady had told you, that Ibe had heard it> 
 hcrfelf. 
 
 Tirf. Ha, ha, ha .» 
 
 Abig. Why, you would not pcrfuade us out of our 
 fcnfes. 
 
 Ttnf. Ha ha, ha! 
 
 ^-ibi^. I here's manners for you. Madam, \^ajjdc» 
 
 lutdy- Admirably rally'd ! that laugh is unaofwcra- 
 ble ! now I'il be hang'd if you could forbear being wit- 
 ty upon me, if I Ihould tell you I heard it no longer a- 
 go than lfl(t night. 
 
 Tin/, Fancy ! 
 
 Lady, But what if 1 Hiculd tell you my laaid was witb 
 pie ! 
 
 Tin/. Vapours ! vapouis \ pray, my dear widow, will 
 you anfwer me one queliion ? — had you ever this noife 
 of a drum io your head, all the while your husband was 
 living ? 
 
 Lady, And pray, Mr Tinfel, will you let me aflc yod 
 another quefUon I do you think we can hear io the c«un- 
 try, as well as you do in town ? 
 
 Ttnf Believe me, Madam, I could prefer ibe ycu a 
 cure for ihtTe imaginations. 
 
 Abig. Don't icll my lady of imaginations. Sir, 1 have 
 heard it myfelf. 
 
 Tinf, Hark thee,, child — art thou not ao old-maid ? 
 
 Abig. Sir, if I am, it is mine own fault. 
 
 TinJ. Whiir.s ! freaks! megrims ! indeed MrsAbigal. 
 
 Abig. Marry, Sir, by your talk one would believe you 
 thought every thing that was good is a megrim. 
 
 La^iy. Why truly I don't very well underdand what 
 you mean by your doflrine to me in the garden juft now, 
 ihal every thing we faw was made by chance. 
 
 Abig. A very prcuy fubjcs^t indeed for a lover to divert 
 Lis zui(trefs with* 
 
Thg KaoirtecT Ho its b . 17 
 
 Lady, But 1 fuppofe that was only a tafle of the coBr 
 feifation you would entertain me with after marriage. 
 
 Tinf. Oh I (hall then have time to read you fuch lec- 
 tures of motions, atoms, and nature — that you (hall Icartv 
 ^o think as freely as the bed of us, and be convinced in 
 lefs than a month, that all about us is chance work. 
 
 Lady. You are a very complaifant perfon indeed ; and 
 fo you would make your court to me, by perfuading me 
 that I was made by chance ! 
 
 T'mf. Ha, ha, ha ! well faid my dear ! Why faith, 
 thou wert a very lucky hit, that's certain . 
 
 Lady. Pray, Mr Tinfel, wliere did you learn this odd 
 way of talking ? 
 
 Tinf, Ah, widow, *tis your country iotjocence makes 
 you think it an odd way of talking. 
 
 Lady. Tho'yougive no credit to ftories ofapparitions, 
 I hope you believe there are fuch things as fpiriis I 
 
 7'tnf. Simplicity ! 
 
 yihig. I fancy you don't believe women have fouls, 
 d'ye Sir ! 
 
 'Tinf^ Foolifh enough ! 
 
 Lady. I vow, Mr Tinfel, I*m afraid ma'icipus people 
 will fay I'm in love with an atheift. 
 
 TinJ. Oh, my dear, that's an old fartiion'd word— I'm 
 a- free- thinker, child. 
 
 Abig, I am lure you are a free fpeaker. 
 
 Lady Really, Mr Tinfel, confidering that you are fo 
 fine a Gentleman, Tm amaz'd where you got ail this 
 learning ! I wonder it has not fpoilM your breeding. 
 
 Tinf. To tell you the truth, I have not time to look, 
 into thele dry matters myfclf, but I'm convinced by four 
 or five learned men, whom \ fometimes over hear at a cof« 
 feehoufe I fieqaent, that our forefathers were a pack of 
 affcs, that the world has been in an error for lonie thoa- 
 fands of years and that a!i the people upon earth, excepting 
 ihofc two or three worthy Genileinen, are impoi'd upon,., 
 cheated, bubbled, abosM banibooz'ed — 
 
 Mig. Madam, how can you hear fuch a profligate .' 
 he talks !ike the London prodigal. 
 
 Lady, Why really l''^^ a thinking, if iliere be no fich 
 
 ihin£i 
 
J 8 The Drummer; *r\ 
 
 ifl£J as fprrlts, a woman has no occifion, for marrying 
 
 Ihc need not be afraid lo lie by hcrfclf. 
 
 Tinf Ah ! ray dear ! are husbands good for nothing 
 but to frighten away fpirits \ did^t thou think I could not- 
 inftrud thee in fcveral other comforts of matrimony ? 
 
 Lady. Ah ! but you area man of lb much knowledge 
 that you would always be laughing at my ignorance — you 
 learned men are fo apt to defplfe one ! 
 
 7inj. No, child ! I'd teach thee my principles, thou 
 fliould'ft be as wife as I am — in a week's time. 
 
 Lady. Do you think } our principles would make a wo» 
 man the better wife ? 
 
 Tinf^ Pr'ythee, widow don't be queer. 
 
 Lady, I love a gay temper, but I would not ha?e you 
 rally things that are ferious. 
 
 Tinf. Well enough, faith ! where 's the jeft of rallying 
 any thing elfe \ 
 
 Abtg. Ah, Madam, did you ever hear Mr Fantome 
 talk at this rate ? \jtftde. 
 
 Tinf. But Where's this ghoft ! the fon of a whore of a 
 drummer ? I'd fain hear him, methanks. 
 
 Abig, Pray, Madam, don't fuffcr him to give the ghofl 
 fuck ill language, efpccially when you have reafon to be- 
 lieve It is my maJfier. 
 
 Tinf. That's well enough faith, Nab ; doft thon 
 think thy mafler is fo unrea'onable, as to continue his 
 claim to his relid after his bones are laid ? pray, widow, 
 remember the words of your contrail, you have fulfill'A 
 
 them to a tittle did not you mairy Sir George to 
 
 the tune of, '//// death us do part P 
 
 Lady. I muft not hear Sir George's memory treated in 
 fo flight a manner — this fellow muR have been at fome 
 pains to rrakc, hioifelf fuch a finiOi'd coxcomb. \^jfide. 
 
 TinJ, Give me but pofleffion of your perfon, and I'll whirl 
 you up to town for a winter, and cure you at once. Oh f 
 1 have known many a country Lady come to Londoa 
 viih frightful llories of the hall houfe being haunted, of 
 fairies, fpirits, and witches ; thit by the time Hie had 
 feen a comedy, play'd at an aflembly, and ambled in a 
 ball or two, has been {\j little afraid of bugbears, that Ihe 
 l^as vcntur'd home in a chair at all hours of the night. 
 
Ti^ Haunted' Ho V8I, S9- 
 
 Mig. Hum — fauce box {afide. 
 
 Ttnf, 'Tb the folitude of the country that creates 
 thefe whimlies ; there was never fuch a thing as a ghoft 
 heard of atLendOn, except in the play houfe — Oh we'd 
 pafs all our lime in London. * Fis the (cene of pleafure* 
 and diverfions, where there's fomething to amufc you 
 every hour of the day. Life's not Jife in the country. 
 
 Lady. Well then, you have an opportunity of Hiowing 
 tbefincerity ofth^t love to me which you profefs. Yoa' 
 may give a proof that yoa have an affedlion to my perfoo. 
 Dot my jointure. 
 
 Tinf, Your jointure ! how can you think me fuch a 
 dog ! but child, won't vour jointure be the fame ihiag 
 io London as in the country ? 
 
 Lady. No, you're deceiv'd ! yon muft know it is fet- 
 tled on rac by marriage articles, on conditions that I live 
 in this old manlion- houfe, and keep it up in repair. 
 
 Tinf, How ! 
 
 j^big That's well put. Madam* 
 
 Tin/. Why faith I have been looking upon this houfei 
 and thiftk it is the prettied habitation 1 ever faw id 
 my life. 
 
 Lady, Ay, but then this cruel drum ! 
 
 Tinf. Something fo venerable init I- 
 
 Lady, Ay, but the drum 1 
 
 Tinf. For my part, I like this Gothic way of building 
 better than any of your new orders— it would be a thou* 
 fand pities it (hould fall to ruin. 
 
 Lady. Ay, but the drum i 
 
 Tin/. How plcafantly, we two could pafs our time ia 
 this delicious fituaiioo. Our lives would be a continu'd 
 dream of happinefs. Come, faith, widow, let's go up* 
 on the l^ds and take a view of the country. 
 
 Lady. Ay, but the drum ! the drum ! 
 
 Tinf. My dear, take my word for't 'tis all fancy, be- 
 iides,. (hou'd he drum in thy very bed chamber, I fhould 
 only hug thee the clofer. 
 
 Clafp'd in the folds of love, I'd meet my doonti 
 Anda{i my joys f tho' thunder Jhock ike room, 
 
 ACT 
 
3p The Drummer ; or, 
 
 A C T m S C E N E I. 
 
 SCENE op^ns, and iifcovers Vellum in this officf^ and a 
 IctUr in his hand» 
 
 V B L L TJ M, 
 
 THIS letter aftonifheth ; may I believe may owir 
 eyes — or rather my fpe^acles — To Humphrey Vel- 
 lum, Efq; Steward to the Lady Trucmao. 
 
 Vfllunt, 
 
 • T Doubt not bat yoa will be glad to hear your mafler 
 
 • J^ is alive, and defigns to be with you in half an hour, 
 
 • The report of my being flaio in the Netherlands, has, I 
 
 • find, produced fome diforders in my family. I am now 
 
 • at the George-Inn ; if an old man with a greybeard, 
 
 • in a black cloke, enquires after you, give him admit' 
 
 • tance. He paffes for a conjurer, but is really 
 
 Tourjaithful friend, 
 
 G. Tru€ma», 
 
 P. iS. Let this be a fccret, swd you fhall find your ac- 
 • count in it.* 
 
 This amazeth me ! and yet the reafons why 1 fhould be- 
 lieve he is dill living are manifold — Firtt, becaufe this ba» 
 often been the cafe of other military adventurers. 
 
 Secondly, becaufe the news of his death was firft pub* 
 llfc'd in Dyer's Letter. 
 
 Thirdly, Becaufe this letter can be written by none but 
 hin)feH 1 know his hand, and manner of iptUing, 
 
 fourthly,- 
 
 Enter Butler. 
 
 Butl. Sir. here's a ftrange ©Id Gentleman that a^ks for 
 you ; he lays he's a conjutcr. but he looks very fufpici- 
 ous ; I wifh he ben't a Jeluit. 
 
 Vel. Admit him immediately. 
 
 Butl. I wifh he bcn'i a Jefuit ; but he fcys he's no- 
 thing but a conjurer. 
 
 Briog^ 
 
T^f Haunted House. 2f 
 
 Vel. He fays right he is no mote than a conjurer. 
 
 Bring him in, and withdraw. \^Sxit Butler* 
 
 And fourthly, as I was faying, becaufe • 
 
 Enter Butler ivith Sir George. 
 
 BMtl. Sir, here in the conjurer what a devih'iH 
 
 long beard he has 1 I warrant it has been growing thefe 
 hundred year&v \jiftde. Exit, 
 
 Sir Geo. Dear Vellum, you have received my letter ; 
 but before we proceed lock the door, 
 
 ¥eL It is his voice. \O7uts the door. 
 
 Sir Geo. In the next place help me off with this cum* 
 berfome cloke. 
 
 Vel, It is his (hape. 
 
 Sir Gc9. So, now lay my beard upon the table. 
 
 Vel, l^After having look' d onSir George thro hisfpec- 
 lades'] It is his face, every lineament ! 
 
 Sir Geo. \Vell» now I have put off the conjurer and 
 the old man, I can talk to thee more at my eafe. 
 
 P'el. Believe me, my good n^ailer, I am as m'jch re- 
 joiced to fee you alive, as I was upon the day you were 
 born. Your name was in ail the news-papers, in the 
 Ift of thcfc that were fl lioj 
 
 Sir Geo. We have not time to be particulir. I (hall 
 only tell thee in general, that I was taken prifoner in the 
 battle, and was under clofe confinement for fever al 
 roonihs. Upon my releafe, I was refolved to furprize 
 my wife with the news of my being alive. I know, 
 YeUom you are a perfonoffo much penetration, that I 
 need not ufc any further arguments to convince you iha* 
 I am lo. 
 
 Vel. I am — and moreover, I queftion not but your 
 good Lady will likewifc be convioc'dof it. Her honour 
 ts^ a decerning Lady. 
 
 Sir Geo. I'm only afraid (he (liou'd be convinc'd of itc 
 to her forrow. Is not (he pleafed with her imaginary 
 widow- hood I tell mc truly, was (he afflided at the re- 
 port of my death I 
 Vel Sorely. 
 
 Sir Geo. How long did. her grief laft ? 
 Vel. Longer than i have known any widow's — at lead 
 three days. 
 
 Sir 
 
J J Tic 'Drummtr i 4rf 
 
 Sir Geo. Three days, fay'ft ihou ? three whole days ? 
 I'm afraid thcu flattcreft me ! O woman ! woman I 
 
 Vel. Grief is twofold. 
 
 Sir Geo. This blockhead is as methodical as ever — 
 Vui 1 know he's honeft, C'V'*''^- 
 
 Vcl. There is a real grief, and there is a methodical 
 J»rief ; (he was drown'd in tears till fuch time as the 
 Taylor had made her widow's weeds-^ndced they be- 
 came her. 
 
 Sir Ceo. Became her ! and was that her comfoit ? 
 fruly a moft feafonable confolation I 
 
 VeL But I muft needs fay ftie paid a due regard to- 
 your memory, and could not forbear weeping when (he 
 faw company. 
 
 Sir Geo. That was kind indeed ! I find (he griev'J 
 with a deal of good breeding. But bow comes this gang 
 of lovets about her ? 
 
 Vel, Her jointure is confideiable. 
 
 Sir Geo How this fjol torments me ! l^Ji^^- 
 
 Vel. Her perfon is amiable 
 
 Sir Geo. Death ! \ajide% 
 
 Vel. But her chara(51er is unblemifh'd. She has been 
 as virtuous in your abfence as a Penelope 
 
 Sir Geo. And has had as many fuiiors ? 
 
 VeL Several have made their overt uies. 
 
 Sir Geo. Several ! 
 
 Vel. but fhe has rejected all. 
 
 Sir Geo. There thou reviv'(t me— but what means this 
 Ti«rei ? are his vifits accepiable I 
 
 Vel. He is young. 
 
 iS/> Geo. Does (he liflen to him \ 
 
 Vel. He is oay. 
 
 Sir Geo. Sure fhe could never entertain a thought of 
 iDarrying iuch a coxcomb ! 
 
 Vel Hs is not ill made 
 
 Sir Geo, Are the vows and proteftatlons that pad be- 
 tween us come to this ! I can't bear the thought of it ! 
 is Tinlel the man defign'd for my worthy fucceflor ? 
 
 Vel You do not confidcr that you have been dead thcfe 
 fourteen months .■ 
 
 Sir Ceo. Was there ever fuch a dog ? \^ajide» 
 
 ViL 
 
The Haunted HorsEJ %% 
 
 Vcl. And 1 have often heard her fay, that Ac muft ne- 
 ver expect to find a fccond Sir George Trueman — 
 Cleaning your honour. 
 
 Sir Geo. I think fhe lov*d me ; but I muft fearch in* 
 <tothis ftory oi the drummer before I difcosrer myfelf to her. 
 I have put on this habit of a conjurer, in order to rntro* 
 duce myfelf. It nwft be your bufinefs to reccMiaicod mc 
 as a mod profound perfon^that by my great knowledge 
 in the curious arts can filence the drummer, and difpofleft 
 the houfe. 
 
 Vel. I am going to lay my accounts before my Lady, 
 and I will endeavour to prevail upon her honour to adnm 
 the trial of your art. 
 
 Sir Geo. I have fcarce heard of any of thefe ftories 
 that did not arife from a love intrigue— Amours raife 
 as many ghofts as murders. 
 
 Vel Mrs Abigal endeavours to perfuade us, that 'tis 
 your honour who troubles the houfe. 
 
 Sir Geo. That convinces me *tis a cheat, for I think, 
 VeHuiti, I may be pretty well afTur'd it is not me. 
 
 fel. I am apt to think fo iruly Ha . h a ha ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Abigal had always an afcendant over her 
 Lady, and if there is any trick in this matter, depend 
 upon it (he is at the bottom of it. I'll be hang'd.if this 
 ghoft be not one of Abigal's familiars. 
 
 Vel, Mrs Abiga! has of late been very myflerious. 
 
 Ser Ge9. I fancy. Vellum, thou could*ft worm it out 
 of her. I know formerly there was an amour between 
 you. 
 
 Vel. Mrs Abigal hath her allurements, and (he knows 
 Ijhave pick'd up a competency in you honour's fervlce^ 
 
 Sir (7«. If ihoti halt, all I ask of thee in return is, that 
 thsu would'd immediately renew thy addrefles to her. 
 Cox her up. Thou haft fuch a filver tongue, Vellum, as 
 'twill be impoilible for her to withfland. Hefides, fhe is 
 fo very a woman, that fhe'll like thee tlie better for giving 
 her the pleafure of lellmg a fecret. In fliort, wheedle 
 her out of it, and i fhaii ad by the advice which thou 
 gived {.ro. 
 
 VcL Mrs Abigal was never deaf to me, v.'hen I talked 
 upon that fubje<ft. i will take an opportunity of" addref*. 
 
 fing 
 
2i| Tr/ Drammcr ; >% 
 
 fjog myfclf to her in ihc mod pathetic manner. 
 
 Sir Ceo. In the mean time lock nje up in your offi(?C, 
 
 and bring me word what fuccefs you have we'l, furc I 
 
 tm the hi ft that ever was employ'd to lay himfclf. 
 
 Vel. You afl indeed a threefold p^^rt in this honfe ; you 
 are a ghoft, a conjurer, and my ho noured mafter Sir 
 George Trueman ; he, he, he ! you will pardon me for 
 being jocular. • 
 
 Str Ceo. O, Mr Vellum, with ail my heart. You kno«r 
 I love yoQ men of wit and humour. Be as merry as ihou 
 pkafefl, fothou deft thy bufinefs. \_M}7n'ckrp htm'] Yn« 
 yj'xW remember, Vellum; your commifTion is two- fold, firft 
 to gain admiflion fi r me to your Lady, and fec^ndly to 
 get the fccret out of Abigal. 
 
 yd. It fufficeih. \rbefcencjhuts. 
 
 Enter Lady fah. 
 
 "Lady. Women uho have been happy fn a firft marriage, 
 arc the maft apt to venture upon a fecond. But for my part 
 I had a husband fo'evcry way fuited to my inclinations, thai 
 I muft entirely forget him, before I can like another man. 
 I have now been a widow but fouiteen months, and 
 have had twice as many lovers, all of 'em per fed admit ers 
 of my perfon, but paflionaitly in love with my jointure. 
 1 thifik it is a revenge I oue ny fex t« makeao ex.*mplc 
 ef this worthlefs tribe of fellows, who grow impudent, 
 drcfs themfclves fine, and fancy we are obl»{?ed to provide 
 for *cm. Bur of all my captives, Mr Tinfel is the nioftex- 
 traordinary in his kind. 1 hrpt th-r diveifiun I give myfelf 
 with him is unblameablc. Tm fuie 'tis ntccfTary to turn 
 my thoughts offfiom the memoiy of that dear man, who 
 lias been il:e greatelt happinefs and ?.fflid>ion of my life. 
 My hcatt would be a prey to melancholy, if I did nor fend 
 thcfe innocent n ethods of relieving it. r>ut here comes 
 ^bigal, I mi'll tenze the b<ipgage, iox I find fhe has taken 
 it into her htad thai 1 am itiiiiely at her diipof^il. 
 • Enici Abigal, 
 
 u^h'tg Madam I Madan; ! yondcr's Mr Tinfel hrs as 
 gccd as taken pofTtfTion of yon houfe. Marry, 1i* fays* 
 he muft have Sir George's apartment cnUrg'd : ftir truly 
 Jays he, 1 hate to be (iraitncd. Nay, he was fo impu- 
 dent 
 
^he Haunted Hoojse, 2 J 
 
 deat as to fhew mc the chamber where he intends to con- 
 fiimmatc, as he calls it. 
 
 Lady, Well ! he's a wild fellow. 
 
 Ahig, Indeed he*s a very fad man, Madam. 
 
 Lady. He's young, Abigal ; 'tis a thoufand pItierKe 
 fhould be loft; I fhould be mighty glad to reform him. 
 
 Ahig. Reform him ! marry hang him ! 
 
 Lady» Has not he a greal deal of life'. 
 
 Abig* Ay, enough to make your heart ake. 
 
 Lady, I dare fay thou think'ft him a very agreeable 
 fellow, 
 
 Ablg, He thinks himfelf fo, I'll anfwer for him. 
 
 Lady. He's very good natur'd. 
 
 Abtg . He ought to be fo, for he's very filly. 
 
 Lady, Doft thou think he loves me? 
 
 Abig. MrFantomedid, lamfure. 
 
 Lady. With what rapt^ires he talk'd ! 
 
 Abtg. Yes, 'twas in praife of your jointare-houfe. 
 
 Lady, He has kept bad company. 
 
 Abfg, They muft be very bad indeed, if they were 
 worfe than himfelf. 
 
 Lady. I hav€ a ftrong fancy a good woman might re- 
 form him. 
 
 A big. It would be a fine experiment, if it fhould not 
 fucceed. 
 
 Lady. Well Abigal, we'll talk of that another time ; 
 here comes ihe Steward, 1 have no further occafion for 
 you at prefent. [fx/V Ab/gaf, 
 
 Enter Vellum. 
 Vel. Madam, is your ho nour at leifure to look into 
 the accounts of the laft week ? they rife very high— houfe* 
 keeping is chargeable in a houle that is haunted- 
 
 Lady. How comes that to pafs ? I hope the drum nei- 
 ther eats nor drinks? but read your account. Vellum. 
 
 Vel, \_PutUrig §n and off his fpe£lacUi in this fceni] A 
 hogfhead and a half of a!e — it is not for the ghod's drink- 
 ing but your ho^nour's fervants fay they muft have 
 
 fomeiliiiig to keep up their courage againft this ftrange 
 noifc. They tell me ihey expert a doable quantity of 
 
 malt 
 C 
 
r6 7'if^ Drummer j or, 
 
 iTiAlt in their fmall beer, fo long as the houfe continaw 
 
 in ihis condition^ 
 
 Ladj'. At this rate they'll take care to be friglitcrv-'d 
 a',1 the year round, I'H anfwer for 'em. But go on. 
 
 rel. Item. Two fheep, and a — where is the ox? — 
 Oh, here I have him — and an ox — your ho-nour muft 
 always have a piece of cold beef in the houfe for the enrtr- 
 tainmcnt of fo many flrangers, who come from ail parts 
 to hear this drum, //^w, Bread, ten peck loaves — they 
 cannot cat beef without bread — Itetn, three barrels of 
 table-beer — they mufl drink with their meat. 
 
 Lady. Sure no woman in England has a Steward that 
 makes fuch ingenious comments on his works, [^a/tde, 
 
 Vel. I/erTTf To Mr Tinfel's fervants five bottles of port 
 \vinc — it was by ycur ho-nour's order— //rw, three bot- 
 tles of fack for the ufe of Mrs Abigal. 
 
 Lady. I fuppofe that was by your own order. 
 
 Vei. We have been lonj^ friends, we arc your honour's 
 ancient fervants; fack is an innocem cordial, and gives her 
 fpirit to chide ihe fervants, when they arc tardy in their 
 buiinefs ; he, he, he ! pardon me for being jocular. 
 
 Lady. Well I fee you'll come together at la(L 
 
 K//. //fw, A dozen pound of watch -lighti for tlic 
 ufe of the fervsnts. 
 
 Lady. For iheuleofthe fervants I What, are the rogues 
 afraid of fleeping in the dark ! what an unfortunate woman 
 am I! this is fuch a patticular didrcf?, it puts me to my 
 v^its end. Vellum, wliat would you advifc me to do ? 
 
 Fc/. Madam your ho-nour has two points to confider. 
 Jtr:l>riwist To retrench thclc extravagant expcnces, 
 ti'liich fo many Grangers bring upon yow-^Secondly^ To 
 clear the houfe of this invilibie drummer. 
 
 Lady. This learned divifion leaves mejuftas wife as 
 I was. But how mu(l we bring thefe two points to bear f 
 
 Vcl. 1 befecch your ho ncur to give me the hearing. 
 
 Lady. 1 do. But pr'yiiiee take pity on me, and be 
 rot tedious- ' 
 
 Vel. I wi'I be concife. There is a certain perfon tr- 
 r'lvM this morninp, an aged man of a venerable afpcd, and 
 of a long hoary beard, that reackcs dowD to his girdle. 
 
 The 
 
The Haunted House. 27 
 
 The common people call him a wizard, a white witch, 
 conjurer, a canning min, a necromincsr, a 
 
 ha(^. No matter for his titlss. But what of all this ? 
 
 V et. Give rac the hearing, good my lady. He pretends 
 to great fklll in the occult fciences, and is come hither u- 
 pon the rumour of this drum. If one may be'isve him he 
 knows the fecret of laying ghofts, or of quieting hoales 
 that are haunted* 
 
 Lady, Pho, thcfe are idle rtories to amufe the couatry 
 people, this can do as no good. 
 
 Vel. It can do u? no harm, my Lady. 
 
 Lady. I dare fay thou dolt not believe there is any thing 
 Id it thyfelf. 
 
 Vet* I cannot fay, I d3 ; there is no dm^ei howerer in 
 the cxperimerit. Let him try his f!<i!l ; if it fhould fuc- 
 cced, we are rid of the drum ; if it fliould not, we may 
 tell the world that it has, and by that means at Icjft get 
 out of thisexpenfive way of living -• fo that it muft turn 
 to your advantage one way or another. 
 
 Lady. I think you argue very rightly. But where is 
 the man ? I would fain fee him. He niaii: be a curiolity. 
 
 Vcl^ I have already difcou'-fed him, and he is to he 
 with meinmyofSce, half an hour hence. He asks nothin ; 
 for his pains, till he has done liis work — no cure, no mo- 
 ney. 
 
 Laiy. That circumilance, I mufl coTfefs, would mikc 
 one bc:iieve there is more in his art than on- would ima- 
 gine. Pray Vellun, go and fetch him hither immediitely. 
 
 Viil. I am gone. He ihali be forthcoming fjrthwiti. 
 
 Enter Butler, Coachman, aW Gardiner. 
 Bull. Rare news, my lads, rare news i 
 Gard^ What's the matter ! ha(t thou got any more 
 rales for 
 
 us 
 
 Bull, No, 'tis better than that. 
 
 Coach, Is there another (tranger ctime to the houfe ? 
 
 Butl, Ay, fuch a f tranger as will make all our lives 
 eafy. 
 
 Card. What ! is he a Lord ? 
 
 Bitl. A Lord! nothing like it. He's aconjarer, 
 
 Co^cb. A conjurer ! what, is he come a wooing to my 
 La-jy ^. 
 
 C 2 Butt 
 
c8 T'he Drummer ; ^, 
 
 Butl. No, no, you fool, he*s come on porpofc to lay 
 the fpirlt. 
 
 Coach, Ay isarryi that's good news indeed ; but where 
 Is he ? ' 
 
 ButL He*s lock'd up u-ith the fteward in his office, 
 they are laying their head? together very dofe, I fancy 
 tbey are carting a figure. 
 
 Card. Pr'yihee John, what fort of a crcattirc is a con- 
 jurer ? 
 
 Butl, Why he's made much as other men are, if it 
 was not for his long grey beard. 
 
 Coach, Look ye, Peter, it Hands with rcafon that a 
 conjurer (hould have along grey beard — for did you ever 
 know a witch tliat was not an old woman ? 
 
 Card. Why ! I remember a conjurer once at a fair, 
 that to my thinking was a very Imock-fac'd man, and yet 
 he fpew'd out fifty yards of green ferret. 1 fancy, John, 
 if thou'dft gci him ii t ) the pantry and give him a cup of 
 ale, he'd (hew us a few tricks. Dort think we cou'd 
 not pejfuade him to fwailow one of ihy cafe- knives for 
 his fiivcrfion ? he*ll certainly bring it up again, 
 
 Biitl, Peter, thou art fuch a wifeacre ! thou doft not 
 know the difference between a conjurer anda jugg'cr. This^ 
 man muft be a very great ma(kr o^ his trade. His beard 
 is at leart half a yard long, he's drefe'd in a rtrange dark 
 cloak, as black as a coal. Your -conjurer always goes 
 in mournin;!. 
 
 Card. Is he a gentltman ? had he a I word by his fide ? 
 
 Butl. No, no, he's too grave a man for that; a con- 
 jiircr is as grave as a jud;ie — but he had a long white 
 wand in iiis hand. 
 
 Coach. You may be fure there's a good deal of virtue 
 \u that wand— -1 fancy 'lis made out of wirchtlm. 
 
 Card. \ warrant you if the ghoft appears, he'll whisk 
 ye that wand before his eyes, and rtrikc you the drum- 
 (lick out of his hand. 
 
 ButU No : the waod, look ye, is to make a circle, and 
 if \\t once gets the ghoft in a circle, then he has him — let 
 bim get out again if he can. A circle, you mud know, is 
 a conjurer's trap. 
 
 Coachvi, But what wilj he do with him, when lie has 
 bim there I 
 
 ButL 
 
fhc Haunted Ho usE.^ 29 
 
 ButL AVhy then he'll overpower him with his karO' 
 ing 
 
 Card, if he can once compafs him, and gel him in lob's 
 pond, he'll make nothing of him, but fpeak a few hard 
 words to him, and perhaps bind hira over to his good be- 
 haviour for a thoufand years. 
 
 Coachm. Ay, ay, he'll fend him packing to his ^rave 
 again with a flea in his ear, 1 warrant him. 
 
 Butl. No, no, I would advife Madam tofpare no cofl, 
 !f the conjurer be but well paid, he*ll take pains upon the 
 ghofl, and lay hirn, look ye, in the rcd-fea — and then he's 
 laid for ever. 
 
 Coachm, Ay, marry that would fpoll his dram for him. 
 
 Card. Why John, there muft be a power of fpirits in 
 that fame red-fea ■ i warrant ye they are as plenty as 
 fifh. 
 
 Coachm. "Well, I wi(h after all that he may not he too 
 hard for the conjurer j I'm afraid he'll find a tough bit 
 of work on'i. 
 
 Card. I wifh the fptrit may not carry a coraer of the 
 houfe off with Iwm. 
 
 ButU As for diat, Peter, you may be fjre that the 
 Steward has made his bargain with the cunning man before 
 
 hand, that he (hall (land to all cods and damages but 
 
 hark I yonder's Mrs Abigal, we fhall have her with us im- 
 niediaiely, if we i^o not get off. 
 
 Card. Ay laJs ! if we could get Mrs Abigal Well laid', 
 too we (hould lead merry lives. 
 
 Tor to a 7nan like vie that's Jiout and bolJy 
 Aghoft is not fo dreadful as afcAd. 
 
 ACT III. SCENE I. 
 
 ^CE NE open ft and dtfcovers Sir George in 
 Vellum'i Office. 
 
 Sir George. 
 
 I Wonder I don't hear of Vi^Hum yet. Rut I know his 
 wifdom will d.Q nothing raflily. The f-^Uow lias been 
 fo ufed to form in bufinefs, that it has infedleJ Sis whole 
 tonverfsuon, But I muit no^ find fault with that p'^qc- 
 C 5 
 
go TJbi Drummer ; #r, 
 
 t«a] and cxadl behaviour, which has been of fo mach ufc 
 to me ; my eflate is the better for it. 
 
 En/sr Vellum. 
 Well Vellum, I'm impatient to hear your fuccefs. 
 
 / V/. Firft, let mc lock the door. 
 
 Sir Ceo. Will your Lady admit me ? 
 
 Ktf/. If this lock is not mended foon, it will be quite 
 fpoiled. 
 
 Sir Gee, Pr'jnhee let the lock alone at prefent, and an- 
 fwer me. 
 
 f'^ef. Delays in bufinefs are dangerous — I mufl fend for 
 the Smith next week^ — ^and in the mean time will take a- 
 raioute of it- 
 
 Sir Geo. \A'hat fays your Ladv ! 
 
 Vel. This pen Is naught, and wants mending — My La- 
 dy, did you fay ? 
 
 Str Geo. Does fhe admit me ? 
 
 Vtl, I have gain'd admifTion for you as a conjurer. 
 
 Sir Geo^ That's enough ! Til gain udmiflion for my 
 fdf asa husband. Does (he believe there is any thing-ia 
 my art ? o 
 
 Vel. It is hard to know what a woman believes. 
 
 Sir Geo. Did (he a(k no quedions about me ! 
 
 V(L Sundry (he defires to talk with you hcrfcif, 
 before you enter upon your bu(inefs. 
 
 Sir Geo. But when \ 
 ' Vtl*. Immediately. This inftant; 
 
 Sir Geo. Pugh. What haft thou been doing all thi* 
 
 nblle ! why didft not tell me fo ? give me my cloak 
 
 have you yet met with Abiga^ ? 
 
 Vel I have not yet had an opportunity of talking, with 
 her. Kut we have interchanged fome litngoi(hing glances. 
 
 ^/> Geo. Let thee alone for that, Vellum, 1 have for- 
 merly feen thee ogle her through thy fpc(5tac!es. Well ! 
 this is a mofl venerable cloak. After the buGnefs of this 
 day is over, I'll make thee a prefent of it 'Twill become 
 fhee mightily. 
 
 Vel. He, he, he ! wou'd you make a conjurer of your 
 fleward ? 
 
 Sir Geo, PrVtbce don't be jocular, !'m in haflc. Help 
 me on with my bearj, 
 
 VtL 
 
T'i^tf Haunted Ho uss." g:i^\ 
 
 Vel. And what will your ho nour do with your caft 
 beard ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Why, faith, thy gravity wants only Tuch a^ 
 beard to it ; if ihou wouJd'ft wear it with the cloak, thou 
 would*ft make a moft complete heathen philofopher. But 
 Where's my- wand ? 
 
 VeL A fine taper flick ! it is well chofen.- I will keep 
 this till you are (herifTof the county. U is not my cuftoni 
 to let any thing be lofh 
 
 Sir Gea» Gome, Vellum, lead the way. You muft in- 
 troduce me to your Lady. Thou'rt the fitted fellow ia 
 the world to be a maftec of the ceremonies to a conjurer. 
 
 [Exeunt* 
 
 Enter Abigal croffvig the ftags^ Tinfcl folloiuing. 
 
 Tin/, Naby, Naby, whither fo fait, child l 
 
 /^big. Keep your hands to yourfelf. I'm going to call 
 the Ueward lo my Lady. 
 
 Tin/. What ? goodman twofold ? I met him walking 
 v/ith a ftrange old fellow yonder, I fuppofe he belongs 
 to the family too. He looks very antique. He muft be^ 
 fome of the furniture of this old manfion houfe. 
 
 ^big. What does the man mean ? don't think to palm 
 me, as you do my Lady. 
 
 Tinf, Pr'yihee, Naby, tell me one thing.; what's the 
 reafon thou art my enemy ? 
 
 Jbig. Marry, becaufe I'm a friend to my Lady. 
 
 TfTjf. Dofl thou fee any thing about me thou dod not 
 like ? come hither, huffy, give me a kifs j don't be ill- 
 naiur'd. 
 
 Abig Sir, I know hew to be civil. [Kijes her.'] 
 
 this rogue will carry off my Lady, if I don't take care. 
 
 ia/ide. 
 
 Tin/. Thy lips are foft as velvet, Abigal, I mu(t get 
 thee a hufband. 
 
 Jbig. Ay, now you don't fpeak idly, I can talk to 
 you, 
 
 77/;/ I have one in my eye for thee. Dofl thou lovc- 
 a young lufty fon of a whore ? 
 
 Abig. Laud, how you talk ! 
 
 Tinf. This is a thundering^ dog, 
 
 Abig, What is he ! 
 
3^ T^^Drammcr; br, 
 
 T'tnf. A private "Gentleman. 
 
 Ahig. Ay, where does he live ? 
 
 Tifif. In the hoife guards but Iv: has one fanlt I 
 
 rttjft tcM tliee of. If thou canft bear with that he*s a maft 
 fort^iy ptrrpofc. 
 
 Ab\g, Pray, Mr Tinfel, what may that be ! 
 
 ITiiif, He's but five and twenty yea s .xJd 
 
 Ahig, *Tis no matter for his age, ic he nas been well 
 educated. 
 
 TtrtU No man better, child : he 11 tye a wig, tofs a dye, 
 ittake a pafs, and fwt-ar with (uch a grace, as wou'd make 
 ihy heart leap to heai him. 
 
 Ahig Half ihe'e accon.piifhments will do, provided he 
 has an cftate— Pray what has he ! 
 
 Ttnf. Not a farthing. 
 
 Ahig, Pox on him, what do I give him the heanng 
 for! \ajidc, 
 
 Tinf. But as for that I wou'd make it up to him. 
 
 Ahig. How ? 
 
 Tinf. Why look ye, child, as foon as I have married 
 thy Lady, 1 dcfign to difcard this old prig of a fteward, 
 and to put this honeft gentleman, I am fpeaking of into 
 his place. 
 
 Ahf'^. This fellow's a fool— I'll have no more to fay 
 to him^ [^/f./f.]— Hark ! my Lady's a coming ! 
 
 7inf. Depend upon it Nab, I'll remember my pro- 
 
 mifc 
 
 Ahig, Ay, and fo will I too— to your coft. [^y/Vr. 
 
 [£x// AhigaU 
 
 Tinf. My dear is purely fitted up with a maid— —but 
 I fhall rid the houfc of her. 
 
 Ej]ter Lady. 
 
 hady. Oh, Mr Tinfel, I am glad to meet you here. 
 I am going to give you an entertainment, that won't be 
 difagreeable to a man of wit and pleafure of the town- 
 There may be fcmething diverting in a convcrfation be- 
 tween a conjurer and this conceited afs. [,^J^J^' 
 
 Tinf She loves me todiftra<Jtion, 1 fee that. \aftdc„ 
 — Pr'ythee, widow, explain thyfelf 
 
 /,<7</y--You mult know there is a flrange fort of a man 
 come to town, who urdei takes to Uz^ the honfc from this 
 diftutbance. The itewaid believes him a conjurer-. 
 
7le Haunted Houji. 33 
 
 ^imf. Ay ; thy fieward is a deep one ! 
 
 hady* He's to be here immediately. It is indeed an 
 odd figure of a man. 
 
 Tinf Oh I I warrant yon he has fludy*d the black 
 art! ha, ha, ha! is he not an Oxford fcholar \ — widow, 
 thy houfe is the mo{{ extraordinarily inhabited of any wi- 
 dow's this day in Chrirtendoro. 1 think thy four chief 
 
 domefticks are — a withered Abigal — a fuperannuated ftew- 
 ard — a ghoft — and a conjurer. 
 
 hady. {^Mimicking Tinfil.'^ And you wou'd have it in- 
 habited by a fifth, who is a more extraordinary perfon 
 than any of a'l thefe four. 
 
 TtnJ. lt*s a fure fign a woman loves you, when (he imi- 
 tates your manner. {af.de.'X — Thou'rl very fmart, my 
 dear. But fee I fmoak the doftor. 
 
 Enter . Vellum, and Sir George in his conjurer shahit. 
 
 Vet, I will introduce this profound perfon to your La- 
 
 dyfhip, and then leave him with you Sir, this is her 
 
 honour. 
 
 Sir Geo. I know it well. [_Exit Ve'luinl 
 
 \^j4Jide, vjaUing in a viujing poJlure.~\ That dear wo- 
 man ! the fight of her unmans me, I cou'd weep for ten- 
 dcrnefs, did not I, at the fame time, feel an indignation 
 rife in me, to fee that wretch with her : and yet I cannot 
 but fmilc to fee her in the company ofherfirft and fecond 
 husband at the lame time. 
 
 Lady. Mr Tinfel, do you fpeak to him ; you are ufed 
 to the company of men of learning. 
 
 7in/» Old Gentleman, thou doft not look like an in- 
 habitant of this world ; I fuppofc thou art lately come- 
 down frcm the ftars. Pray what news is (Hrring in the 
 zodiack ? 
 
 Sir Geo. News that ought to make the heart of a cow- 
 ard tremble. Mars is now entrlng into the firft houfe, 
 and will (hortly appear in ail his domal dignities, 
 
 Tinf. Mars ? Pr'ythee, father-grey-bcard, explain thy* 
 felf. 
 
 Sir Geo. The entrance of Mars into his houfe, por- 
 tends the entrance of a mafter into this family — and that 
 ioon. 
 
 Tinf. D'ye hear that, widow ? the (lars have cut me 
 out for thy husband. This hoafe is to have a master, and 
 
 tha& 
 
34 7o^ Drummer ; ^r, 
 
 ihat foon — hark thee, old Gadbury, is not Mars rcry like 
 a young fellow called Tom Tinfcl ? 
 
 Sir Geo Net fo much as Venus is like this Lady. 
 
 77/;/; A word in your car, Doftor ; thefe two planets 
 will be in con)anfliou by and by ; I can tell you that. 
 
 Sir Geo. ^iJiJe, ivalkivg difturbed.\ Curfe on this 
 imperiiacni iop ! I Hiall (carce forbear difcovering myfelf 
 
 Madam, I am told that your houfc is vifiied with 
 
 flrange noifes. 
 
 Lady, And I am told that you can quiet them, I mufl 
 confefs I had a curiofity to fee the pcrfon 1 had heard 
 fomudh of; and, indeed your afpe(ft (hows that you have 
 bad much experience in tlic world. You mufl be a very 
 a^ed man 
 
 Sir Geo My afpefl deceives you ; whai do you thiot 
 is my real age ? 
 
 7i«/. I rhou'd guefs thee within three years of Me- 
 ihufclah. Pr'yihee tell me, waft thou not born before 
 ihe flood ? 
 
 Lady. Truly I fhou'd guefs you to be in your fecond 
 or third century. 1 warrant you, you have great grand- 
 children with beards of a foot long. 
 
 Sir Gto. Ha, ha, ha ! if there be truth in man. I was 
 but five and thirty lall Auguft. O! theOuiy of the oc- 
 cult fciences makes a man!s beard grow fader than you 
 would imagine. 
 
 Lady. U hat an cfcape you have had, Mr Tinfel, that 
 you were not bred a fcholar ! 
 
 Tin/'. And fo I fancy, dodlor, thou think'd me an illi- 
 terate fellow, becaufe I have a fmooth chin ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Hark ye, Sir, a word in your ear. You arc 
 SI coxcomb b) all the tuies of phyfiognomy • but let that 
 be a fecrei between you and me. ( 'Jidc to TtyiJ'el, 
 
 Lady* Pray, Mr Tinfel, what is it the dv^iftor whifpers ? 
 
 Ttnf. Only a compliment, child, upon two or three of 
 my features. It does not become me to repeat it. 
 
 LsJy Pary, dodor examine this Gentleman's face, 
 and tell me his fortune 
 
 Sir Geo. If 1 may believe the lines of his face, he likes 
 
 it better than I do, or than you ^o, W\x Lady. 
 
 • Tin/, Widow, 1 hope now thou'ri convioc'd he's a cheat. 
 
 Lady. 
 
The Haunted Houss. «- 
 
 :>S 
 
 Zady, For my part I believe he's a witch go on, 
 
 do<5lor. 
 
 Sir Geo, He will be crofs'd in love ; and that fbon, 
 
 TitiJ. Pr'ythee, doaor, tell us the truth. Doft not 
 thou live in Moor-fields ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Take my word for it, thou fhalt ne\rcr live ftj 
 my Lady Trueman's manfion-houfe. 
 
 Tinf, Pray, dd Gentleman, haft thou never been pluck- 
 ed by the beard when thou wert faucy I 
 
 Lady. Nay, Mr Tinfel, you arc angry ! do thou think I 
 wou*d marry a man that dares not have his fortune 
 told >. 
 
 Sir Geo. Let him be angry 1 matter not—he ii 
 
 but {hort liv*d. He will Toon die of 
 
 77";?/ Come, come, ("peak out, o!d Hocus, he, he, he ! 
 this fellow makes me burft with laughing. {Force^s a laugh. 
 
 Sir Geo. He will foon die of a fright . ■■■or of the— . 
 let me fee your nofe ay 'tis {o ! 
 
 Tinf* You fon of a whore ! I'll run you through the 
 body. I never yet made the fun fhine through a conj(> 
 ter. 
 
 Lady.OV, fy, Mr Tinfel ! you will not kill an 'old man ? 
 
 Tin/. An old man ! the dog fays he's but five and thirt)'. 
 
 Lady. Oh, fy, Mr Tinfel, 1 did not think you could 
 'have been fo pafHonate ; I hate a pafEonate man. put 
 up your fword, or I muft never fee you again, 
 
 77;?/ Ha, ha, ha ! I was but in jeft, my dear, I had 
 & mind to have made an experiment upon the doiflor's bo- 
 dy. I wou'd have but drill'd a little eye-let hole in it 
 and have feco whether he had art enough no clofe it up 
 again. 
 
 Sir Gee:. Courage is but ill fhown before a Lady. But 
 know, if ever I meet thee again thou rtialt find this arm 
 can wield other weapons befides this wand. 
 
 Twf. Ha, ha. ha ! 
 
 Lady, Well, learned Sir, you are t© give a proof of 
 your art, not of your courage. Or if you will fho.v your 
 
 courage, let it be at nine o'clock for that is the 
 
 time the noife is gCRerally heard. 
 
 Tinf. And look, ye, old Gentleman, if thou doft not 
 do thy bufinefs well, I can tell thee by the little skill I 
 
 have. 
 
36 7he 
 
 have, that thou wilt be tofs'd in a blanket before ten. 
 "We'll do our endeavour to fend thee back to the ftars 
 again. 
 
 iS/> Geo. ril go and prepare myfelf for the cercmo» 
 
 nics and Lady, as you expec'^ they fhou'd luccecd to 
 
 your fifties, treat that felJow with the contempt he dc- 
 ferves. [£'x// Sir George, 
 
 Tinf. The faucicft dog I ever talk'd with in my whole 
 life / 
 
 Lady. Meihinks he's a diverting fellow ; may fee 
 he's no fod. one 
 
 Tin/, No fool ! ay, but thou doft not take him for a 
 conjurer. 
 
 Lady. Truly I don't know what to take hira for ; I 
 am refolv'd to employ him however. When a fickneff 
 is defperate, we often try remedies that we have no 
 great faith in. 
 
 Enter Abi^al. 
 
 -^hig. Madam, tl^e tea is re;idy in the parlour, as you 
 order'd. 
 
 Lady. Come, Mr Tinfel, we may there talk of this 
 fubje(5k more at leifure. \_Exeunt Lady and Tinfel^ 
 
 hh\gz\ Jola. 
 
 Sure never any Lady had fuch fervants as mine has 1 
 well,jf 1 get this thoufand pounds, 1 hope to have fome 
 of my own. Let me fee, Til have a pretty tight girl— 
 juft fuch as I was ten years ago (I'm afraid 1 may fay 
 
 twenty) fhe fliall drefs me and flatter me for I 
 
 will be flatter'd, that's pos ! my Lady's ca(l fuits will 
 ferve her, after 1 have given thqm the wearing. Be- 
 lides, when I am worth a thoufand pounds, 1 fhall, cer- 
 tainly ca'ry off tlic fleward- Madam Vellum 
 
 how prettily that will found ! hcie, bring out Madam Vel- 
 lum's chaife nay, I do noikfjow but it may be a cha- 
 riot It will break the attorney's wife's heart for 
 
 1 fhall- take place of cveiy body in the paii/h but my 
 Lady. If I have a fon, he (hall be call d Fantomc. But 
 fcc Mr Vellum, as I couM wilh. i knew his humour, 
 and I will do my utn^off to gain his heart. 
 
 Enter Vellum 'with a pint -J Sack, 
 
 Vei. Mrs Abigal, don't 1 bceak in upon you unfea- 
 fooably I 
 
The Haunted Housi. 2'^ 
 
 Mtg. Oh, no, Mr Vellum, your vidts arc always fca- 
 fonable. 
 
 Vel. I have brought with me a tafte of frefh Canary, 
 which I think is delicious. 
 
 Al'tg, Pray fet it down — I have ?. dram glsfs j'^'} by— 
 
 111 oleage you ; my Lady's good health. 
 
 Vet. and your own with it —jweet Mrs Abi^taf. 
 
 ^big^ Pray, good Mr Vellum, boy me a liule p..rcei 
 ■of thi? lack, and put it under the arricle of tea— ——I 
 would not have niv name appear to it 
 
 Vel. Mrs Abig^l, your name fcldom appears in my bjifs 
 .^ — and— yet if you wi'i ..}!ovv me a merry exprclhin 
 
 vou have been always in my books, Mrs Abi »al 
 
 Ha, ha. ha I ^ * 
 
 Abk^ Ha, ha, ha I Mr Vellum, you are fuch a dcj 
 .jefiing man. 
 
 Vel. Why truly, Mrs Abigal, I have been looking 
 
 over nr/ papers- and I lind you have been a long timo 
 
 my debtor. 
 
 Ahig. Your debtor t^or what, Mr Vellum.^ 
 
 Vel. For my heart, ^Irs Abigil, and our accounts will 
 not be ballanc'd between us, till i have yours in exchaioe 
 for it, Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 /ibi^. Ha, ha, ha ! you are the mofi gallant dun. ^rr 
 Vcilu-.i. 
 
 VeL Rut I am not us'd to be n^d by words only, Mrs 
 Atfigal; when will you be out of my debt .^ 
 
 /Ibi^. Oh, Mr Vellum, you maifce one bluin— my hum- 
 ble fervice to you. 
 
 VeU I mud anfwer you, Mrs Abiga!, in the country phrafe 
 -—'rour lyve is fujjicicnt . Ha. ha, iu ! 
 
 Abtg. Ha, ha. ha ! Well, 1 mult own, I love a mer- 
 ry man ! 
 
 Vel, Let m.e fee, how long is it, Mrs Ab'gal, fince I 
 {jrfl broke my mind to you—it was, Lthiiik, Vndeayno 
 
 Ctilielmi, we have converfed together ihtfe Hfreen 
 
 years— and yet, Mrs Abignl, I muit drink to cur belter 
 acquaintance. He, he, he,— Mrs Abi^ial, you know I am 
 Daiuraily joccfe* 
 
*^ TT--? Drummer ; or, 
 
 Al^i^. Ah, you men love to make fport with us filly 
 crei^tures. 
 
 I'd. Mrs Abigal. I have a trifle about me, uhich I 
 would ui llngly make you a prefcnt of. It is indeed but 
 
 a li'»'- ^oy- . , .... 
 
 y^l>ig. Vou are always exceedingly obliging. 
 
 yri, 1 1 is but a litile toy fcarce worth your accep- . 
 
 tance. 
 
 yili^. Pray don't keep me to rufpcncc ; whit it ir, Mr 
 Velljni ? 
 
 yd. A filver thiniMe. 
 
 Jl>iif. I always Paid Mr Vellum was a j^enerous lover. 
 
 Vd. But I null put it on mylclt, Mrs Abiga", — you 
 l.ave il>e preiilcfl tip uf a linger 1 mull ttke the free- 
 dom to falute it. 
 
 yj'//^. Oh fy! you make me afham'd, Mr VcMum ; 
 hew can sou do li ? 1 proied 1 am in (uch a confufion—' 
 
 J'tl. TJiis finder is rot the fi.iger of idientfs ; it bears 
 iV.e bcnr;ur.(b!e (caTs of the needle- but uhy are you fo 
 cruel «s not to p'Are your nails ? 
 
 ylbifj. Oh, I vow you prcis it fo hard ! pray give rac 
 iry fine ex r.gain. ^ 
 
 I'd. '1 his middle finder, M»s Abigal, has a pretty 
 ne»<OjbvaK-^ a wedding- ling would become it mightily-— 
 He" he, he ! 
 
 di'i"» You're fo full of your jokes. Ay, but where 
 mi; it 1 lir.d one for it ? 
 
 I'ei. \ dcCgn this ti»i|nhle only as the forerunner of it. 
 They will ict ofTcvich other, and are-- -indeeii a twofold 
 cmnlem. 1 he fiill wi!! pur you in mind cf being a good 
 hou^w' wile, and the other ot being a good wile. Ha, 
 
 _ h.i,i.:l 
 
 Abi^. Yes, yes, \ fee you hugl: at me. 
 VrL Indeed 1 iun leiiou?. 
 
 /:?//'. I thoug}\t you hud quite forfnken me \ arn 
 
 furc )0\i canrr.vt forget the many rcpcuicd vow3 and pro- 
 Dii'.is \ou for-iicrly made me. 
 
 yd\ 1 fliould as (('Oil lorget the multiplicuijn table. 
 y/i/T 1 have always taker your part bv:for?iny L.id/. 
 VcL You have fo, and i h.<\c Han a it in my aiemoiy. 
 
The Haun ted Ho u ? e . 3i^ 
 
 Mig. Fori have alwayslo.^k'd apoa your ir.tereils as 
 ffjy OA^n. 
 
 Vel. it IS nothing but your cruelty can hinder tiicm 
 from beina fo. 
 
 y^%, I murt (Irike wh'le the iroa'r. h^t . [/•^.'//(^.j — 
 Well, Mr Vcruirn, there's no refiifing yoj, you have iu.h 
 a bewitchinnj tongue ! 
 
 Vel. How ? rpeak that again ! 
 ^big Why then in plain Englifh I love ym, 
 
 Vel. I'm overjoy \1 ! 
 
 j^hig. I mud own my paflion for you. 
 
 Vel. Tm tranfporteJ ! Calebs s hsr in his arms. 
 
 y^hig. Dear charming man ! 
 
 Vel. Thou fum total of ail my happinsfs !--! (lull grow 
 extravagant ! I can't forbear to drink thy virtjous incfi* 
 nations in a bumper of Sack. Your Lidy mull n»v'ke ha((c, 
 my dock, or we fliall provide a young (lewari to the 
 eltate, before Hie has an h^iir to it --Pr'} t'.iee, my dear, 
 does flie intend to marry Mr Tinfel ? 
 
 y^big. Marry him, my love, no, no ! we nfiud take care 
 f>f that 1 there would be nj lUying in tSe lioufe for us if 
 flie did. That young Rake hell would fend all the old 
 fervants a-grazing. You and 1 (hould be difcatdcd btfore 
 ihc honey moon was at an end. 
 
 VeL Pr'yihee, fweet one, does not this drn.Ti put the 
 thoughts of mar.eiage oat of her head .^ 
 
 j^big. This drum, my dear, if it be well manag'd, will 
 be no lefs than a thoufand pound in oar way. 
 
 V<^. Ay, fay'i'l thou fo, my turtle I 
 
 Abig* Since we are now as good as man and wife-- X 
 1 mean, almoil us good as man and v^ifc---! ought to con- 
 ceal nothing fron\ you. 
 
 Vel. Certainly, my dovt, not from thy yoke-feUov«r, 
 thy help-mate, thy o\vn fkrti and blood ! 
 
 Abig. Hud^ ! 1 hear MrTinfeKs laugh, my Lady and 
 he are coming this way \ if you. will t-tke a tu n without 
 I'll tell you the whole contrivance. 
 
 Vel. Give me yo'ur hand, chickea. 
 
 Abig. Here take it, you have my heart aliready. 
 
 Vil, Wc ihail have much ilfue. ^Exeunt. 
 
 ACT 
 D 2 
 
40 The Drummer ; or, 
 
 A C T IV. S C E N E I. 
 
 Ehtcr VclIuTi ar.d Butler. 
 Vellum, 
 
 J"i H N, I have certain orders to give you---and there- 
 fore be attentive. 
 
 Bull Attcn'ive! Ay, let me alone for that- I riippofc 
 he means beln;^ fubcr. [ ifid,:. 
 
 Vel. Voa know I hnve always recommended to you 2 
 method in your bufincfs ; I u-ou'd have your knives and 
 forks, your fpoons and napkins, your plate and glafiesi 
 laid in a mcihod. 
 
 P^i\. Ah, Mr Vellum, you are fuch a fweet fpoken 
 man u Joes one's heart good to receive your orders. 
 
 VeU Method, Jolin, makes bufmefs ealy, it banifties all 
 perplexity and confufion out of fan>ilies. 
 
 Bull. How he talks ! I could hear him all day. 
 
 Vel, And now, Jolm, let me know whether your tabic* 
 Jinen, your n<Je board, your cellar, and every thing elfe 
 within your provirxe, are properly and methodically dif- 
 pos'd for an entertainment this evening. 
 
 Bull. Ma'.ier Vellum, they .Tiali be ready at a quarter 
 of an hour's warning. But pray Sir, is this entertainment 
 to be made for the conjurer ? 
 
 Vel, It is, John, lor the conjurer, and yet it is not 
 for the conjurer. 
 
 ButL Why, look you Mafler Vellum, if it ia ^or the 
 conjurer, the cocik maid IhouM have orders to get him 
 feme dilhes to his palate. Perhaps he may like a little 
 brimdone in his fauce. 
 
 Vel 1 his conjurer, John, is a complicated creature, 
 an amphibious animal, a perfon of a twofold nature — •• 
 but he eats and drinks like other men. 
 
 ButL Marry, Mailer Vellum, he fhouM eat and drink 
 as much as two other mcn» by the. account you give of 
 
 Vel. Thy conceit is not ami's, he is indeed a doable 
 nian> ha, lu> h:; ! 
 
 Bull. 
 
The Haunted HousBi 4' 
 
 ButL Ha ! I underfiand you, he's oneof your herma- 
 phrodites, as they call *em. 
 
 Vd, He is niirricd, and he Is not married— he hath 
 a beard, and he hath no beard. He is old, and he is 
 yonn.:^. 
 
 B-iiiU How charmingly he talks ! I fancy, Mailer Vel- 
 lum, you could make a riddle. The Time man old and 
 young I how do you nnke i!iat our, M-;l^er Vellum .'' 
 
 Vel. Thou hait heard oF a fnake calting his flcio, and 
 recovering his youth. Such is this {j^^t perfon. 
 
 Buii, Nay, 'lis no wonder a conjurer .houlJ be like a 
 ferpenl. 
 
 Vil. When he has thrown afide the old conjurer *s 
 flough that hangs about him, he'Ji come out as tine a 
 young gentleman as ever was feen in this liouie. 
 
 B uii. Does he i.itend to lup in his flough I 
 
 V el. That time will Hiow. 
 
 ButL Well. 1 have not a head forthefe things. Indeed, 
 Mr Vellum 1 h?.ve not undtrltood- one word you iuve 
 faid this half hour, 
 
 V^l* I did not intend thou Ihou'df^ — bur to our bufi- 
 nds~let ihef^ be a table Ipreid in the great iiall. Let 
 your pots and glaiTes be waih'd, and in a. rtadinefs. liid 
 the cook provide a plcntilul fuppcr, and lee th^t all the 
 fervanis be in their bed liveries. 
 
 Bull, Ay 1 now I underiland every word you fay. 
 But 1 wou'd rather hear you talk a- hiile in tha: t'other 
 way. 
 
 Vel I fhall explain to thee what I have faid by and by 
 bid 'S\i{m lay two pillows upon yo.ir Lady's bed. 
 
 Bull, Two, pillows ! MHdam> won't ileep upou *etn 
 both ! {he is nut a double woman too. 
 
 Vel. She will fleep upon neither But hark, Mrs Abi- 
 ga', I think I hear her chiding the cook m.iid. 
 
 Bull. Then Ml away, or it will be my turn next; Hie, 
 I; am fure (peaks plain Englifii, one may. eafily underfhnd 
 cvtry word Ihe U'ji* [,ExU BuiUr, 
 
 Vellum foluj. 
 
 yd, Servants.-are pood lor nothing, unlefs they have an 
 opinion of the perioi/s unJerflanding who has ths direc* 
 tiaivof them — but fee Mrs AbigA I Ihe iias a bewitching 
 
 coiiDtenance, 
 D 3 
 
42 The Drummer ; or, 
 
 countenance, I wiili i may not be tempted to marry her 
 
 in goodearnef{. 
 
 ^, Enter Abigal. 
 
 >^% Hi! Mr Vellum. 
 
 V . U'hat brinos my fwect one hither ? 
 
 ^'/>. 1 am cominpi to fpcak to my friend behind tire 
 vain cot. it is fit, child, he fnould have an account of 
 ihl^C'-njiirer, that he may not be (luprisM. 
 ^ I- el. 1 hat wou'd be as much as thy ihoufand pound- 
 is wor:h» 
 
 ^%. ril fpcak low^wal's have cars. 
 
 \_Pointir.gat the ijjawfc'jt. 
 
 V4, But hark you, ducklin 1 be fnre }ou do col tell 
 h na that I am Ici into the (ecret. 
 
 A'ig, That's a good one indeed ! as if- I fhcu^d cvei 
 le'l what pafTcs betv.ecn you and n-e. 
 
 VM No, no, my chiid, that mufl not be, he, he, he \ 
 ihat n ufl not be t he, he, he ! 
 
 y^'::,]. You will alv, ;iy? be wan,oifh. 
 
 VA. Adieu, and let me hear the refjlt of your confe- 
 rcncf. 
 
 Abi^i VxAv can you leave one fo looa ? 1 Hull think it 
 an ane till 1 fee ycu ar^ain. 
 
 V l. .ntlitu m-y pretty one. 
 >/'{^. Adieu fv.'cet Mr Vellum ! 
 
 ICcl My pretty one ^As he is gohg of, . 
 
 ^ihig. Dear Mr Vellum! 
 
 }ieL My pretiy one ! \_Ex'it Vellum. 
 
 Aliig. I have him- If I can but get this thoufand 
 
 pound. \_-'a7'torne gives thntff raps upon hh 
 
 uruin hehit.d the ivair./cct. 
 
 Ablg. Hp I three raps upon the drum I the fignal Mr 
 Fantonie and 1 agreed upon, when he bad a mind to fpeak 
 uitli me. {Fantcvie reps again. 
 
 yJvig. Very wcH, I hear you; conie tox, cenie out of' 
 your hole. 
 
 Soinr cpei:s, arid Fantov.e comes cut. 
 
 Jbig. Youmay leave your drum in the waxdrobe, till 
 you hdve occafwD for it. 
 
T/fi* Haunted 'Ho USE, . 4^ 
 
 Font. Well, Mr8 Abigal, I want to hear what is a do- 
 'mg in the world. 
 
 y/%. Vou are a very inquifitive fpirlt. But I mufl tell 
 you, if you do not take care of yourfelf, you will be laid 
 this evening. 
 
 Fant. I have overheard fomething of that matter. Bjt 
 let me alone for the do;^or — I'll ergage tJ give a good 
 account of him. I am more in pain abtut Tinfel. When 
 a Lady's in the cafe, i'ni more afraid of one fop than 
 twenty conjurers. 
 
 /Ibig., To tell you truly, he prefTss his attacks with ^o 
 much impudence, that he has made more progrcfs with my 
 Lady in t .vo days, than you did in two months. 
 
 Fnni. I fliiill attack her in another manner, if thou 
 can{t but procure me anothet interview. There's nothing 
 makes a lover (o keen, as being ke^^t up in the dark, 
 
 Abt^>. Pray no more of your diftant bows, your refpe<51- 
 
 ftil compllmeius really, Mr Fantouie, you're only fit 
 
 to p^ake lovea cr.)fs a tea-table. 
 
 Fant, My dear girl, 1 can't forbear huggmg thee for 
 thy good advice. 
 
 Mi^^ Av, now I have fomc hopes of you ; but .why 
 don*t you do fo to my Lady ? 
 
 Fan;. Child, 1 nKvays thought your Lady lov'd to be 
 treated with refpecft. » 
 
 Abig. Believe me, Mr Fantome, there is not fo great 
 a difference between woman and woman, as you imagine.' 
 You fee Tinfel has nothing bat his faucincis to recom- 
 piend him 
 
 Fant. Tinfel is too great a coxcomb to be capable of 
 love — and let me tell ihee, Abiga!, a man, who is (incere 
 in his pallion, makes but a very aukward profeffion of it 
 — . but I'll mend my manners. 
 
 Abig. Ay, or you'll never gain a widow — come,l mufl 
 tutor you a little; fuppofe me to be my Lady, and let me 
 fee how you'll behave yourfelf. 
 
 Fant. I'm af.-aid, child, we han't time for fuch a piece 
 q£ mummery, 
 
 y^big. Oh, 'twill be quickly over, if you play your parr 
 well. 
 
 Fant. 
 
'jp4 7i5^ Drummer; cr, 
 
 Favt, Why then, dear Mrs Ab 1 mean my Lady 
 
 Tiueman. 
 
 j^.big. Ay ! but you han't faloted me. 
 
 Font Thai's right ; faith i forgot that circumftance, 
 \K:jjcs herT] Ncclar and Aiiibrona ! 
 
 Abi^. That's very wc'il— ■ 
 
 Fant, How long rru(M he condemned to languifhf 
 vhen ftiall my JuiTerirgs have an end I my JiTe ! my hap- 
 pincfs, my all i<? uoiind up in you — — 
 
 Jhig. ^^ ell ! v\ hy don't you fquecze my hand ? 
 
 Fant. "U'hat, thus ! 
 
 Jbig. Thus ? a} — now throw your arm about my mid - 
 
 die ; hug me clofcr v ou are net afraid of huiting me ! 
 
 nttw pour forth a volley of rapiute and nonrcnfc, till 
 y ou are out of breath. 
 
 Fant. Tranipoit and extacy ! Where am I my life, 
 
 my blcfs ! 1 ri:;e, I bum, I bleed, 1 die! 
 
 yibtg* Go on, go on, 
 
 FaKt. F!an:t£ and darts — bear me to the gloomy (hade, 
 rocks and jjrottos — dowers, zephyrs, and purhng li reams. 
 
 Abig. Oh Mr Faniome, you have a tongue would 
 undo a veifal ! you were born for the ruin of our (ex. 
 
 Fant. This will do then, Abiijal ? 
 
 ylbig Ay, this is talking like a lover. Tho' I only re- 
 prcfcot my Lad>, I take a pleafurc in hearing ycu. Well, 
 o' rny concience uhen a man of (enfc has a little dafh of 
 »he coxcofrb in him, no woman can rcfjif him. Go on at 
 this rate, and the thoufand pound is as good as in my 
 pocket. 
 
 Fant. I fliall thifik it an age till I have an opportunity 
 of putting this le/Ton in \\^t\\zt. 
 
 y^big \ou may doit foon, if you make good ufe of 
 your lime ; Mr Tinfel will be here with my Lady at ti^hr, 
 and at nine the conjurer is to take you in hand. 
 
 Fant Let me alone with them both 
 
 j^big. Well! fcrcv.arn'd. forcarm'd Get into your 
 box, and I'll endeavour to cilpofe every thing in your fa- 
 vour. {^Far.tcine goes in. Exit Abided, 
 Enter Veilum. 
 
 Vcl. Mrs A'bigal is uiihdrawn ——I was in hopes, to 
 ha'.« heard what htid pals'd bctwccD hcf and hcrinvilible 
 corrtipoadcni* 
 
7he Haunted Housed 45 
 
 Enter riijiei. 
 
 Tin/, Vellum ! Vellum ! 
 
 Vet. Veliuiii ! we are methinks vcy familiar ; I am 
 oor us'd to be called fo by any but their ho-nours [_afiile,'\ 
 — 'Vhat wou'd you, Mr IjoJel ! 
 
 77/;/. Let me beg a favour of thee, old Gentleman. 
 
 Vel. What is that, good Sir ? 
 
 7//?/^ Pr'ythee lun and letch me the rent- roU of thy; 
 Lady'5 ellaie. 
 
 Fel. Th- rent roll I 
 
 Tinf The rent-roll ? ay, the rent-roll ! doH not un- 
 derf^and what that means I 
 
 VeL Why ? hare you any thoughts ofpurchaling ofit ? 
 
 Tinf. Thou haft hit it, oid bi;y, that is my very in- 
 tention. 
 
 Vet. The purchafe will be confiderable. 
 
 Tinf. And for that reafcn 1 have bid thy Lady very 
 high— —file is to have no Uis for it than this intire per- 
 fon of mine 
 
 Vet. Is your whole eftate perfonal, Mr Tinfel !— — 
 he, he, he ! 
 
 Tinf* Why, you queer old dog, you don't pretend to 
 jcft, d'ye 1 look ye, Vellum, if you think of being con- 
 tinued my fteward, you muft learn to walk with your 
 toes out, 
 
 Vel. An infolent companion ! \,°^ftJ" 
 
 Tinf. Thou'rt confounded rich I fee, by that dangling 
 of thy arms. 
 
 Vet. An ungracious bird I \_afide» 
 
 Tinf Thou (bait lend me a couple af thoufand pociids. 
 
 Vet. A very profligate ! \afide* 
 
 Tinf* Look yc, Vellum, I Intend tobetind to you — 
 ril borrow fome money of you, 
 
 Vel. I cacnot but fmile to confider the difappointment 
 this young fellow will meet with ; I will make mytelf 
 merry with him Q^^(f ]]— and fo, Mr Tinfel, you pro- 
 roifs-you will be a very kind mader to me I [^fiflif^g «* 
 laugh. 
 
 Tinf. What will yoa give for.a life in the hoafe yoa. 
 live ia.^ 
 
 VU 
 
4^ The Drummer; cr, 
 
 Vtl. What do you thmk of five hundred pounds ? La, 
 ba, ha ! 
 
 7inf. That's too Utile. 
 
 Vei, Act )ci It is v(\Grz ihan I /hall give and I wiU 
 
 offer you twu rtalons tor it. 
 
 lirf. Ir'ythce N^hai are they ! 
 
 VcL Fin'U bccattethe tenement In not in your difpo- 
 U^ \ and lecoDcly, bcccufe it never will be in your difpo- 
 fal; and fo fare you well, j:o'.'(j Mr Tinlel. Ha, |ia, hz ! 
 ycu will paidon mc for bein£ jocular. \Exit Vcflum. 
 
 TinJ. This rogue is as fawcy as the conjurer ; I'll be 
 hang'J if they arc not a kin. 
 
 Enttr Lady. 
 , Lady. Mr Tinfcl ! vhat, all alone ? you frccihiBtcrs 
 are great adn.lrets of loliiudc. 
 
 Tifif. No faiih, I have been talking with thy Reward ; 
 a very grotefcjue figuie of a fellow, the very pljf^ure of one 
 of our bcfiChtrs. How can you bear his convcr(ation I 
 
 Lady. 1 keep him for my (teward, and noi my compa« 
 uion. He's a Ibbci man, 
 
 Ttiif. Yes, yes, he locks like a put a queer old 
 
 dog, as ever 1 faw in my life: we muit t-urn liim otT, wi- 
 dow. He cheats thee confoundedly, I- fee that. 
 
 Lady, Indeed you're millakcn, he has always hadlha 
 reputation of being a very honelt man. 
 
 Tin/. VVhar, I luppofe he g(>cs to church. 
 
 Lady Cces to church ! To do you toa. I hope. 
 
 Tinj. I vou'd for once, w dow, to make lure of yoai 
 
 Lady. Ah, Mr Tinfel, a husband who would not con- 
 tinue to go thither; v/ould quickly forge i ihc promifcs he 
 madetlicre. 
 
 Tinf. Faiih very innocent atid very ridiculous ! well 
 then, I warrant iliec, wiJoat, thou w«u'dtt oot for ths 
 world marry a fabbath breaker ! 
 
 Lady. Truly they generally come to a bad end. I ic* 
 R-.ember the corjurtr told you, you were fhort-liv'd. 
 
 Tinf. The ccnjurer, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Lady, indeed you'ievery witty ! 
 
 Tinf. Indeed you're very handfomc. [_f^''Jfci her hand, 
 
 Lody, I wifli the fool docs not love me ! Vajide^ 
 
 Tinj. Thou art the idol I adore. Here inufl I fav ^^y 
 
 deveLoa 
 
T'/Srf Haunted House." 47 
 
 d^votlop j II Pr'ythee, widow, haft thou any timber 
 upon tVjy eftate ? 
 
 Lady* The moft impudent fellow I ever met with. 
 
 \_afide2 
 Tinf. \ take notice thou haft a great deal of old plate 
 here in (he houfe, widow. 
 
 Lady Mr Tinfel, you are a very obferving man. 
 Tinf. Thy large filver ciftern would mnke a very good 
 coach ; and half a doeeo falvers th« I Uvj on the fide- 
 board. Height be turned into ^\'<^ as pretty h.^.Tes as any 
 tliat appear in the ring. 
 
 Lady. You have a very good fancy, Mr T.nfel — 
 \A2X pretty transformat;cns you could make in my houfe 
 -^!>ut rii fee wliere 'twill end. {^litdi, 
 
 _ Tinf. Then I obferve, child, you have two or three 
 fervices of ijilt plate ; we'd eat always in china, my d»far. 
 Lidy. 1. perceive you are an excellent mani<;er — iiow 
 qu'citlv you liave taken an inventory of my goods ! 
 
 Tinf Now hatk ye, widow, to ftiow you tlie love that 
 1 ivAve for you — — — 
 
 La /)'. Very well, let me hear. 
 
 Tmf. You h^ve an old ia hi-JoM gnid caudle- cup, with 
 the fif;ure of a faint upon the lid on't. 
 Lady I have : what then ? 
 
 Ttnf. Why look ye, I'd fell the caudle-cup, with the 
 old faint, for as much mo.iey as they'd fetch, which I 
 wou'd convert into a diamond buckle, and make you a 
 prefeni of it. 
 
 Ludy. Oh you are generous to an extr?.vagance. But 
 pray, Mr Tinfel, don't difpofe of my goods before you 
 are fure of my pe«fon. I find you have t.iken a great 
 a{fe<5l;on to my movenbles. 
 
 Tinf. My dear I love every thing thnt belongs to you. 
 Lady, 1 lee you do, Sir, you need not make any prote- 
 ftation> upon that fubjijtSt. 
 
 Tmf Pho, pho, my dear, we are growln^r ferious, and 
 lei me tell you, that's the very next (b? to being dull. 
 Come, that prcuy face was never made to look grave 
 with. 
 
 L'j^v. Believe me Sir, whatever you may think, mar- 
 riage is a (erious fuSied. 
 
 Tinf. For that very reafon^ my dear, let us get over 
 i t as fall as we can^ 
 
 Lad^^ 
 
^^ The DrumT.er; <?r, 
 
 Lad)'. T ftiouli be very much in ha{}e for a husband, If 
 I ina fried within fourteen months after Sir George's dc* 
 ceafe. 
 
 Tinf Pray my dear, let me ask you a quel ion ; do'ft 
 tJOt thoii thirk that Sir Georpc is as dead at rrefcni, to 
 all intcr.ts and purpoics, as he will be a iwcivc mymh 
 hence ? 
 
 Lady» Yes, hut dcccncv, Mr Tinfc^ 
 
 Tirf. Or do'^ thou think thou'it be more a widow 
 than thou art how ? 
 
 Larl\. The world, would fay I never lov'd my firft 
 hufband. 
 
 Tit:J. Ah. mv dear, they would hy you iovM vour fe» 
 cond ; and they wou'd own I deferv'd it, for I (lull Uvc 
 thee moft inoniinatelv. 
 
 Lcdy. But what wou*d people think ? 
 
 Tirf. Think ! whv they wou'd think thee the mirrour 
 
 of widowhood That a v.o.T.?n fliou'd live fourteen 
 
 whole months after the deceafe of her fpoufc, without 
 having engaged herlcif. Why, about tov^n, we know 
 many a woman of ^lurilitv's fecond hufband fcveral years 
 before the death of ihe firfl. 
 
 Lady, Ay, 1 know yon wits have your common 
 
 place jcds upon us po-^'r widows. 
 
 Tinf. I'll tell you a Horv, wic^ow; I know a certain 
 Ladv, who,ccnridering <hc crazinefsof her husband, had, 
 in cale of mortality cr.j^aged hcrlelr to two young fel- 
 lov.s of mv acquaintance. Thc^y j;rew fi'^ii defperste 
 riva's for her while her husband was a'ivc, tliat one of 
 them p'p.k'd the t'other in a ciuel But the good Lady 
 wa:- ro foor.cr a widow, but what did my dowager do .' 
 wh; ffilth, being a woman of honour, flie married a third, 
 to '.vhom, it frcm?, (Ik* ha 1 given her firii promi(e. 
 
 Lad). And this is a true itory upon your own know- 
 ledge ? 
 
 Ttnf Every tittle, as 1 hope to be marry 'd, or never 
 beheve To;n Tinicl 
 
 Lady. Pray, Mr Tinfcl, do youcall ihk talking like* 
 wit, or like a rake ? 
 
 Tinf. 
 
The Ha'Jnted House, 49 
 
 Tinf, Innocent enough, he, he, he ! why V> v/hcre's 
 ihe difiercoce, ray dear ? 
 
 L<tdy. Yes, Mr Tinfel, the only man I ever lov'd ia 
 my life, had a great deal of the one, and nothing of the 
 other in him. 
 
 Tinf, Nav, now you grow vaponrlfli ; thoa'Ii bcj;in to 
 fancy thou hear'(t the drum by snd by. 
 
 Laiy If you had been here h{\ nif^ht about this time, 
 you wou'd not hae been (o merry. 
 
 Tinf. About this time, fiy'n thou ? come faith, for the 
 humour's fake, we'll fit down and liflen. 
 Lady. I will, if you'll promiic to be feriou*?. 
 Tirf. Serious! never fear me, child. Ha, ha, ha! 
 do'lt not hear him i 
 
 LciJy. Yon breik your word already. Pray, Mr Tin. 
 fcl, do you laugh to (liow your wit or your teeth ? 
 
 Tirjf. Why, both! my dear Tni glad however, 
 
 that ilie has taken notice of my teeth. [_<jj!.ie'] But you 
 lookfcrious, child ? 1 fancy thou hear'it liiC drum, do'it 
 nut ? 
 
 Lady. Dvon't talk fo rad^Jy. 
 
 Tin/. Why, my de»r, you cou'd no* !ook more fright- 
 ed it yoii had Lucifer's drum-m-'jor in yoer houfe. 
 
 Lady. Mr TinicI, I muit defire to lee you no more in 
 ■it, if yoii do not leave thi^ idle way of taking. 
 
 Tin/. Child, I thought I had toLi you what is my opi- 
 nion of fpirits, as we were driaking adifh of tea bur jull 
 
 now -There is no fuch thing, I give thee my word. 
 
 Lady. Oh, Mr Tinfel, your authority mult be of gJCat 
 weight to thofe that know you. 
 
 TinJ. For my part, child, 1 have made myfclf eafy in 
 thofe points. 
 
 Laoy. Sure nothing was c?er like this fellow's vanity, 
 .. but his ignorance. \_'^Jide» 
 
 Tin/. I 11 tei! thee what now, widow 1 wou'd en- 
 gage by the help of a white Iheet and a penny-worth of 
 Jmk in a dark night, to frighten you a whole courtry viU, 
 lage out of their fenfes, and the vicar into the bargain. 
 \^dfum beats. \ Hark ! hark ! what nolle is that I hca- 
 Tco dcicnd us 1 in\i is more ilwn faacy. 
 
5 o The Df nmmer ; *r, 
 
 Ladv Tt bf ats more terrible than ever . 
 TirT. 'Tis very dread TuM what a dog have I been t3 
 fpcak apainfi my confclence, only to fhow my parts ! 
 
 Lauv. It comes rearer and nearer. I wi(h you hare 
 not an^jer'd it by your foolifh difcourfe. 
 
 Ttnf. Irtdeed, Madam, I did not fpcak from my heart ; 
 I hope it will do me no hurt for a little harmlels raillery. 
 Lady, Harmless, d'ye call it ? it beats hard by us, as 
 Jfi f W'oii'd ^J-e^k tl^rotip,h the wall. 
 
 TinJ. Uhat a devil had 1 to do with a white fl)eet ? 
 
 [See fie op:nSf and dijicxers FuhtoviC* 
 
 T'lTif. Mercy on us ! it appears. 
 
 l.od\ C)h I Ms he ! 'tis he himfelf, 'tis Sir George ! 
 
 'tis my bujb2r.d ! \_She /amts^ 
 
 Tinf. Now wou'd I give ten thoufand pounj that I 
 
 Were in town. \Tantome aavujices to him drummin^a 
 
 1 hep^ ten thoufand pardons I'll never talk at this r^tc 
 
 •nv n>or-C. \}'a7:t\vis f/tli advanca drurfwiing. 
 
 By my fjul, Sir George, I was not in earned [Falls on 
 
 his b.t;:i) have ccmpufiion on my youth, and conlider I 
 
 am but a coxccir.b ( Fa>.tov:e faints to the door) iSut 
 
 fee he waves me ofl- ay, with all my heart \\ bat 
 
 a devil had i to do wiih a white Iheet ? 
 
 (//r j!eah off the Ji(Jge, rncuciir.g hu pace as the drum 
 
 beats, 
 
 Fant. Tl e fcoundrel is gone, and has left his mlftre's 
 behind him. I'tii MHllnken if he iiMkes love in this boufc 
 anv more, i have now only the conjurer to deal with. I 
 den I .qi.'trtion but I Ihall make h;s reverence fcimper as 
 fift as the lover And then the day's my own. Bat 
 tiiC feivanis are coming, 1 mu(^ get into my cup-board. 
 
 (He goes in, 
 Ef.fi'r Abigal ar.d lcr\;an:r . 
 /^^/■^. O my poor Lady ! this uicked drum has fright* 
 f-i Mr 1 infci o^it'ot t•.^^ wits, and m/ Lady into a fwnon, 
 Lci mt; bend -her a little forward. She revises Here, 
 carry lier into the ''Cl. air, and Ihc'il recoVvT. ( Chey cairj 
 hei off) I rtis »sa iiuie ba.bafous to my Lady, but 'tis 
 til lo. her r^ood : arui I know her lo well, that ll.e wou'd 
 rot b^ -ng y wiih mc, i» the knsw wh.it 1 w.>s to got b/ 
 it '^no 11 doy-o: a ii icnusihou'd blame ii;e for ii hereafter, 
 
The Haun^d Housb. 51 
 
 /// clap my land upon my purfcy and iell Vw?, 
 ^T'wasfor a thoufand paurtdj and Mr Veil urn* 
 
 A C T V. S C E N E I. 
 
 Enur Sir George in kii conjurer's hahit^ the Butler 
 marching Ijifore Hm nxjith tivo large candies ^ and the 
 inx)o fervantf cowing a/irr htm, one bringing a Ititle 
 tab le^ and another a chair, 
 
 Btttlfr, 
 
 A N'T pieafe your worfiiip, Mr Conjurer, the Stew- 
 ard has given ali of us orders to do wiiaifoever you 
 fhali bid us, and to pay you the Tame refped, as if \oli 
 were our martar. 
 
 Sir Geo. 1 hou hy'(\ well. 
 
 Gard. An*t please you GonjurerfliJp's worfhip, fljall I 
 £et the table down here ? 
 Sir Geo. Here, Peter, 
 
 Card, Peter ! he knows my name by his learning* 
 
 lajlie, 
 Goachn, \ have brought you, reverend S:r, the large(t 
 elbow-chair in the houfe ; 'lis thai the Suwar J (its in when 
 he hsids a court. 
 
 Sir Geo. rlace it there. 
 
 ButL Sir, will you pleafe to want any thing clfe ? 
 Sir Geo. Paper, and a pen and ink. 
 Butl, Sir, I believe we have paper that is fit for your 
 purpufe ! ruy Lady's mourning paper, that is black'd at« 
 t.^e edges — ^vou'd you chufe to wtite with a ciow qaill ? 
 Sir Geo. There is none better. 
 
 ButL Coachman, go fetch the paper and Handifli out- 
 cf the little parloLir. 
 Coach?/:, [|/o the Gardiner,') Peter, pr'ytheedo you go 
 
 along with me— —I'm afraid. you know I went with 
 
 you iaft night into the garden, when the cook maid want-* 
 ed a handful of parfl*y. 
 
 But!^ Why, )ou don't think I'll (lay with the Gonjcf- 
 CLhy.m)fcif ? 
 
 Cur<i* 
 Z 2 
 
52 The Drummer ; cr, 
 
 6\'7r^- Come we'll al! three go and Terch the pen and 
 iDk together. {Exeunt Servants* 
 
 Sir Ceor;;e folut. 
 
 There's nothlrg. I fee, rPiikes fuch flrong alH;inccs as 
 fear. Thefe fellows are all cnter'd into a conftdcracy 
 aoainfl the Ghoft. There mufJ be abundance of bunnefs 
 done in the family at this rate. Hut here comes the triple 
 all'ance. \^'ho ccu'd have thoui^ht ilicfe three rogues 
 cou'd have found each of 'cm an employment in feiching- 
 a pen and ink ! 
 
 Enter Gardiner ivith a /hcet of paper ^ Coachmaa- 
 ^vith a jlandithy and Vi\i\\cx nxitlh a pin* 
 
 Card. Sir, there b your paper. 
 
 Coackjr, Sir, there is your (brdifh. 
 
 But I- Sir, there is your crow-quill pen ' ■ \*n\ 
 
 glad I have got rid on't. {j/id , 
 
 Curd. He forgers thar he's to make a circle. \_ajide, 
 Uodor, fhall I i.elp ycu to a bit of chaJk ? 
 
 Sir Ceo. It is ro matrt-r. 
 
 Bull Lock yc, Sir, I (how'd you the fpot where he's 
 heard oftenc/1, if your woifliip can but ferret him out of 
 ilidt o.'d w.»|| in ihat next rcom 
 
 Sir Ceo. We fhall try. 
 
 Card. That's right, John. His worfliip muft let fly 
 \\\ his learning at that old wall. 
 
 Butl. Sir, if I was worthy to advifc you, I wcu'd have 
 a bouJe of good O.^tober by me. Shall J fei a cup of old 
 Itingo at 3 cur elbow ? 
 
 Sir Ceo. J thank thee, we fhall do without it, 
 
 Cara\ Joho, he fecms a very good natur'd man" for a 
 ccojurcr. 
 
 Butl. I'll take this opportunity of enquiring after z 
 bit of plate 1 have loll. 1 fancy, whild he is in my Lady's 
 pay, one may hedge va a qucllion or two into liie bargain, 
 S-r.-liir, may I beg a word in your ear ? 
 
 Sir Ceo. What woultift thou ? 
 
 Bull Sir, I know I need not tell you, that I loft one 
 of my filvcr fpoons lall week. 
 
 Sir Ceo. Mark'd with a fwan's neck——: — 
 
 Butl. My Lady's Crcft ! He knows every tiling*. 
 icijidc) How \^ou'd }/tur woilhip advife me to recover it • 
 agaifl ? 
 
 Sir Ct.$, 
 
'" 7*^?- Haunted K^ USE. 53 
 
 Sir Geo* Hum ! 
 
 Butl. What muft I do to come at it ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Drink nothing but fmail bc€r for a forte 
 Di^h-t' 
 
 But I' Small-beer ! ro? J»ut ! 
 
 .Sir C"^©. If thau rirink'lt a fingle drop of ale before fif- 
 teen days are expir'd it is as much iS thy fpooa 
 
 ——.is worth. 
 
 Butl. I (hall never rcccver It that way ; I'll e'en buy 
 a new one. 
 
 Goachrn* D'ye mind" how they whifper? 
 
 C^rJ. ril be hang'd it he be not asking him fomethlns-. 
 about Nell ■ ■■ 
 
 Coach7r!»\''\\ take this opportnaity of putting a queRioi 
 to him about poor Dobbin: i faocy he cou'd give me bet- 
 ter couuftl tiian the farrier. 
 
 But!. \_to theGardiT7tr.~\ A prodi^iou? man ! he knou-s 
 every thing : now is the time to find out thy pick- ax. 
 
 Gar J. I have nothing to give hiiP. . docs not he expe(5l 
 10 have iiis h^nd crofs'dAvrth fdve: ? 
 
 Coachvi. [to Str George.'} Sir, may a man venture to 
 £sk you a qucfhon» 
 
 Sir Geo. Ask it.. 
 
 Cojchtn, 1 have a poor horfe in the Tuble liiai's be- 
 Witch'd '■ ■ ■ 
 Str Geo. A bay gelding. 
 
 Coachm How cou'd he know that I {aft>ie. 
 
 Sir Geo. Bought at Banbury. 
 
 Coachm. Whew — fo ic was o' my confciencc. \JVhiJlles» 
 
 Sir Geo, Six years old la(l Lammas. 
 
 CLichm, To a day. \^AfJe'\ Now, Sir, I wou'd know 
 v/hether the poor beaftis bewitch'd by Goody Grouch oi 
 Goody Flye ? 
 
 Sir Gee. Neither. 
 
 Co^ichn:- Then it mud be Goody Gurton ! for fhe Is 
 uext o!de(l woman in the parifli. 
 
 Gard, Hall thou done, Robin ? 
 
 Coachm. \js the G ar diner. "^ He can tc'i thee any thing* 
 
 Gurd. [ to Sir George'] Sir, I would beg to. take y&«. 
 a hitle farther oat of hearing— 
 
 Sir Ceo, Speak. 
 
^4 ^T/fif "Drummer ; #r, 
 
 Card. The butler tnd I, Mr Doftcr, were both of ut 
 in iofc at the (atdc time with a certiiia pcrfon. 
 Sir Geo. A uoman. 
 
 Card. HfAv could he know thai ? \.^fde. 
 
 Sir Cfo. Go on. 
 
 Card. This woman has lately had two children at a 
 birth. 
 
 .!>'// Geo. Twin?, 
 
 Card. Prodijiiocs ! where could he hear that. \_AriJe, 
 
 Sir Geo, Proceed. 
 
 Card. Now becaufc I us'd to ireet her fometimes vsk 
 
 the garden, ftie has laid them both 
 
 Sir Ceo. To thee. 
 ■ Card. What a power of learning he muft have ; he 
 knows ev'ry thing. \jxftde* 
 
 Sir Geo. Hdf'l ihou done ? 
 
 Card. I wou'u' dciirc to know whether I am really fa- 
 ther to fhem both ? 
 
 Sir Geo. Sra>vl before me, let me 'urvey liiee roHnd. 
 
 {Lo)s his iiarid upon kis lead, and viak:s him 
 
 turn about. 
 
 Coachm* Lock yc^ndcr, John, the filly dog is turning 
 
 ahrait under the corjurei's wand. If he has been faucy 
 
 to him, wc ihail lee him puff'd off in a wliiilwind imnic- 
 
 <h'atcly. 
 
 Sn Geo, Twin?, do'fl thou fay ! [Still turning him^ 
 Curd. Ay ; are they both mine d'ye think ? 
 Str Geo. Own but one of them. 
 
 Card. Ah 1 but Mrs Abigal will have me take care oF 
 thtm both — file's always for the butler — if my poor maf- 
 ter sir George had been alive, he would have made him 
 go halves with me. 
 
 Sir Geo. What, was Sir George a kind mafter ! 
 C'jrd. v\'as \it ! ay, niy fellow- fervanis will bear me 
 
 Sir Geo. Did ycu love Sir George ? 
 
 hull. Every body lov'd him 
 
 Coaclm, There was not a dry eye in the parifh at the 
 jicws of his de^th 
 
 Card. He was li.e bcft neighbour—— 
 
 hull. The kit.dcfi huibacd 
 
 Coacl.m, 
 
Ti^tf Haunted K«fu St. J 5. 
 
 €cackm» The trued friend to the poor-— 
 
 Bull. My good Lady took on mightily, we all thought 
 it \ki\i\d have been the death of Jicr. 
 
 Str Geo. I protcf} thefe fellows melt me ! I think the 
 time long till 1 am their mazier again, that I may be kind 
 to them. {/i/i^^' 
 
 Enter Vellum. 
 
 VeL Have yon provided the do(5tor ev'ry thing he had 
 l^ccafion for ? if fb — you may depart, [^Exeunt Servant (, 
 
 Sir Geo. I can as yet fee no hurt in my wife's behavi- 
 our ; but (Till have feme certain pangs and doubts, that 
 #re natural to tlie heart of a fond man. I mu^t take 
 the advantage of my difguife to be thotoughly fatisficd^ 
 It would neither be for her happinefs, nor mine to make 
 myfclf known to her till I am lo. \_jjide.j — Oear Vel- 
 1cm, I am impatler.t to hear fonie news of my wife, how 
 docs fhc after her fright: ? 
 
 Vel. It is a faying (omewherc in my Lord Coke, that 
 a widow 
 
 Sir Gcos I ask of my wife, and thou talk'ft to me of 
 Hiy Lord Coke — Pr'ythee tell mc how fhc does, for I 
 am in pain for her, 
 
 Vel. She is pretty well recover*d. Mrs Abig.^1 has 
 put her in good heart ; and 1 have given her great hopes 
 from your skill. 
 
 Sir Geo. That I think cannot fail> fince thou hafl got 
 th's fecret out of Abigal. But 1 could not luve thought 
 my friend Fantome would have ferv'd me thus — 
 
 ^tl . You will dill fancv you are a living man — 
 
 Sir Geo. That he diould endeavour to enlnare my 
 wife. 
 
 yel. You have no right in her, after your demife: 
 
 death extinguifhes all' property, ^lod banc — it is a 
 
 maxim in ihe law. 
 
 Sir Geo, A pox on your learning ! well, but what is 
 become of Tinfei ? 
 
 Vel. He rulh'd cut of the houfe, cali'd for his horfe,. 
 c'sp'd fpurs to his Hdes, and was out of fight in iefs time 
 than I can — tel — ten. 
 
 Sir Gee, This is whimfical enough ! my wife will 
 have a quick . fuccelTicn of lovers in one day — Fantome. 
 has driven out Tmlel, aod I diall drive out Fantoine.- 
 
^ The Drummer j #r, 
 
 VeL Ev*« as one wedge drivcth out smoihcr— ^e,licj 
 he ! yoQ muft pardon me for being jocular. 
 
 Sir Geo. Was there ever fuch a provi king b'ocklieadf 
 but he means mc well \_cifJe ] Well ! I mull have fa- 
 tisfa^Rion of thifiraitor Faniome ; and cannot take a more 
 proper one, than by turning him out of my houfe, in a 
 mai-.ner that fliall throw fhame upon him, and m.ike him 
 
 ridiculous as long as lie lives • — You mull remember. 
 
 Vellum, you have abundance of bufinefs upon your hand*, 
 and I have but jnfl time to tell it ycu over ; all l.requirc 
 of you \% dispatch, therefore hear me. 
 
 Vel. There is nothing more rcquifitc ir> buCocft thao- 
 difjjatch 
 
 Sir Geo Then hear me 
 
 Vel. It is indeed the life of bufinefs— 
 
 Sir Geo. Hear me then I fay. 
 
 Vel, And as one has riphtiy obfcrvcd, the benefrt that 
 attends it is four fold. Firil 
 
 Sir Ceo. 1 here is no bearing this! thou art agoing to 
 dcfcribedifpatch, when thou fhojld'it be praftifmg it 
 
 Vel, But your ho-nbur will not giye mc the hear- 
 ing- 
 
 Sir Geo, THou wilf not give me the hearing- 
 
 \_^Angrilyi 
 
 Vel. I am fiill. 
 
 Sir Geo, In the fuft'place, you are to lay my wig, hat, 
 and fword ready for me in the clofet, and one of my (car* 
 let coats, you know how Abigal lias defcribcd thegholV 
 tJ you. 
 
 Vel It fhall be done. 
 
 Sir Geo. Then you mufl remember, whilfl I am lay- 
 ing this ghofl, you .^re to prepare my wife forthe recep<i« 
 on of her real husband ; tell her the whole (fory, and do 
 it with all the art you are mailer of that the furprize may- 
 not be too great for her. 
 
 Vel. It (hall be done— but fince her honour has feen 
 this apparition, (he dcfircs to fee you once more, before 
 you encounter ii: 
 
 Sir Geo. 1 fhall expect her Impatiently. For now I 
 car»-talk to her without being interrupted by that imper- 
 tinent rogue Tinfel, 1 hops thou haft not toUi Abi^al 
 any thing of the fecrct. 
 
7'/5<» Haunted Ko USE. jy 
 
 Vel. Mrs Abigal is a woman ; there are many reafnns 
 why (he fliould not be acquainted with it : 1 fhall only 
 mention fix. ■ 
 
 Sir Geo. Hurti, here (he comes ! oh my heart ! 
 Enter L^idy and abigal. 
 
 Sir Geo \ Afide, ivhile Vellum tal/a in dum /Jjonv to the 
 Lady.] O that loved woman ! how I long to take her in- 
 to my arms ! in (Ind I am Hill dear to her memory, it 
 will be a return to life, indeed ! but I muft take care of 
 indulging this tendemefs, and put on « behaviour more 
 fuitablo to my prefent charader. 
 
 \ilValks at a dijlance in a penfive pafiure^ ^waving his 
 ivaud. 
 
 Lady, f r^ Vellum'] This is firprifing indeed ! ^o all 
 the fervanis tell me : they fay he knows every thing that 
 has happen'd in the family. 
 
 Abig. \_ajrdf,'] A parcel of credulous fools ! they firft 
 tell him their ftcrets, and then wonder how he comes to 
 know them. 
 
 \_Exit, Vellum^ exchanging fond looki nviih /1'^i^al. 
 
 Lady. Learned Sir, may I have feme converfarion 
 with you-, before you- begin your ceremonies ? 
 
 S:r Geo. Speak I but hold — fir(Uet me feel yourpulfe. 
 
 Lady. What can you learn from that ? 
 
 Sir Geo. I have already learned a fecret fro.-n it, that 
 will afloni^li you. 
 
 Lady. Pray what is it ? 
 
 Sir Geo. You wiii have a husband within this half 
 hour. 
 
 Jhig. [^djide.'] I am glad to hear that he mufl 
 
 mean Mr Fantome ; I begin te think, there's a great 
 deal of truth in his art. 
 
 Lady. Alas I I fear you mean I fliall fee Sir George's 
 apparition a fecond time. 
 
 Sir Ceo. Have courage you rtiall fee the apparition no 
 more. The husband 1 mention (hall be as much alive as 
 1 am. 
 
 Ahig. Mr Fantome to be fure. [ojide 
 
 Lady. Imopffible ! I lov'd my firfl too well. 
 
 Sir Geo. You could cot love tht fird better than you 
 will love the fecond. 
 
$8 T^t IPrummcr j ^r, 
 
 Mij;, {afide."] I'll be hanp'd If my dear flcwanfhar 
 not in'fniAed him ; he means Mr Faotpme to be fart ; the 
 thcufand pound is our own ! 
 
 Lady. Alas ! you did not know Sir George. 
 
 Sir Gio. As well as I ^o myfelf— I faw him with 
 JFou in ihe led damasic room, when he firft made love to 
 you ; your mother left yOi together, under pretence of 
 receiving a vifit from Nf^s Hawchoroi on her returo 
 from London. 
 
 Lady This is aflonifhing! 
 
 «S/r Geo. You were a g' eat ad.nirer of a finglc life f6r 
 the firit half hour; your rcfufals then grew (iiH fainter 
 and fjintcr. With what extafydid Sir George kifs your 
 hand, wficn you told him )ou fliould always follow the 
 advice of your Mamma ! 
 
 Lady> Every circumftince to a lliilc. 
 
 Sir Geo Then Lady ! the wedding ni^ht ! I faw yoa 
 in your white fattin night-gown ; you woii'd not come ojt 
 of your drefling room, till Sir George lojk you out by- 
 force. He drew you gently by the iunA — you Qruggjcd 
 — but he was too (Irong for you— you blufhed, he — 
 
 Lady. Oh ! Hop there I go no further — he knows eve* 
 ry thing. \aftJe» 
 
 Ahig. Truly, Mr Conjurer, I believe you have been a 
 wag in your yooth. 
 
 Sir Geo. Mrs-j\bigal, voa know what your good 
 word cofl Sir George, a purfe of broad pieces, Mrs Abi- 
 gal 
 
 Ahig. The DevIPsInhim. \afidc^ Pray Sir, fioce you- 
 have told fo far, youfhouid uil my l-ady that i refui'ed 
 to takethem^ 
 
 Sir Gee, 'Ti* L'ue, child, he was forced to thrud them 
 into your bofom. 
 
 Mig. This rogue will mention the thoufand pounds, if. 
 I, don't take care, [^ajide^.'] Pray, Sir, though you are- a 
 Conjurer, methinks you r.ecd not be a blab 
 
 Lady, sir, fince 1 have now no reafon to doubt of your 
 ait, I mull befeech you to treat this appar.tioi gently— > 
 has the refemblance of my deceas'd husband ; if there 
 be any,uodifcovei*d fecret, aay thing that troubles his 
 rei'i, learn it of him. 
 
 Sir Cc9, I mult to that cod be finccrely informed bj 
 
Thg Haunted Hou Jfi. ff 
 
 you» whether yotir heart be engaged to another; have 
 yoii not leeeived the addrefics oif many lovers fince his 
 deatii. 
 
 LipJp I have been obliged ta receive more vifits, 
 than have been agreeable. 
 
 Sir Geo. Was "not Tinfel welcome ? — I am afraid to 
 hear an anfwer to my own qi^eftion {.afid^* 
 
 ■Ladv. He was wel! reconimeriUcd. 
 
 Sir Geo. Racks ! 
 
 Lady. Of a good family. 
 
 Sir Gdo. Tortures"! 
 
 Lady. Heir to a confiderable ef^ate. 
 
 Sir Geo. Death. \aJiJe J And you ftill love him ?— 
 I'm diara(5ted ! 
 
 Lac'y, No, I defpife liim. I found he had a defign up- 
 on my fortune, was bafe, profligate, cowardly, and every 
 thing that cou'd be cxpedled from a man of the vile(l 
 principles— — . 
 
 Sir Gl9. I am recover'd. ^ ■ \ajii-fe., 
 
 ^big. Oh, Madam, had you feen how like a fcoundrel 
 he look'd when he left 3 ojr Ladyfliip'in a fwoon. Where 
 have you left my Lady ? fays I. In an elbow chair, 
 fays lie : and wiiei'e are you goinj; ? fays f. To town, 
 child, fays he, for to tell thee truly, child, fays he, t 
 don't care for liviiig under the fame roof with the devil, 
 kyi he. 
 
 Sir Geo* Well, Lady, I fee nothing in all this ihat 
 may hinder Sir George's fpirit from being at reft. 
 
 Lad)' If he knjws any thing of what pafTes in my 
 heart, he cannot but be {aiisf>'d of that fondnefs which -I 
 bear to hismemorv. My forrow for him is always frefh 
 when 1 think of him. He was the kinded, trueft, tender- 
 ed — Tears will no: let me gvo on 
 
 Sir Gio» This quite o'eipowers me 1 fhall difcovcr 
 
 myfelf before mv time. ^afiJ- ] — Madam, you may bow 
 retire and leave me to myfel*. 
 
 L<2i^'Succefs attend you ! 
 
 Abtg. I wiHi Mr Fantome gets well off from this old 
 
 Don -1 know he'il be with him immediately. 
 
 {Eyitunt Ladf and Abigal- 
 Sir C^oxgQ JoluS" 
 
 SJr Gee, My hsauis now at eafe, (he is iUe fame dear 
 
io The Drummer • er^ 
 
 Avoman 1 left her — now for my revenge upon Fantorm!-^ 
 1 fliall cut the ceremonies (liort — a few words will do his 
 bufincls — now let me feat m)leir in form — a good eafy 
 chair for a conjurer this ! — now for a few maihcmaiical 
 fcratches — a good lucky fcrawl, that — faiih I think it 
 looks very aftroiogical — ihcfe two or three magical pot* 
 hooks about it, m^k"^ it a complcat conjurer's Ichcme. 
 \^Dnif/i hcatiJ] Tia, ha, ha, St. are ycu ihcrc I enter, 
 •drummer. Now I mult pore upon my paper. 
 Enter Faritcme heatlv.^ the druvi. 
 
 Sir Cec Piy t lec don't make a noife, I'm bufy 
 
 \_tantome beatf^ 
 A pretty march? pr'yrlice best that over again. 
 
 \H<: beau and advances, 
 
 'Sir Geo. \_Ri/if:y^ Ha ! you*ie vcrv perfc(5t in the ftep 
 of a ghof^ You (U)k it majellicali} . \_t\iT2iomc advuncei* 
 
 How the rogue (lares ! he a<51s it lo admiration ! I'll 
 be h?no'd if he has not been praiflifjng this halt hour ia 
 Mrs Abi.nal'i wardrob% 
 
 f -jnloffif^Jiarts, and gives a rap upon h'ls drum, 
 
 Pr'>thc'j don't play the fooH ^Fantome beats. 
 
 Nay, r.Av, t ough ot this, good Mr FHinomc 
 
 Ftf«.'. [->^^n Death J I'm difcovercd. Tliis jade A« 
 bigal i'«b h-.i'ry d nic. 
 
 Sir Gee .Mr Fantomc, upon the word of an Aftrolo- 
 ger, your ilioul'and pourd bribe will ntver gain my Lady 
 Trueman. 
 
 Fiini. 'Tis plain fhe lias told fiim aP. [i/tde. 
 
 Sir G to. Let me ydvife you ;o ninkeofTas faft as you 
 can, or I plainly ptrcei\e by my an, Air Gholi will have 
 his bones broke. 
 
 Fart, f/o Sir George ] Look ye, old Centlcman, I 
 perceive yuu have learnd m.s Iccret from Mrs Abigal. 
 
 Sit Geo I have Uixvx u from my art. 
 
 Font, Thy art ! pr'jthee no more of thar. Look ye, 
 1 Icnow you are a clieai as much as I am» And if thou 
 will keep my counfcl, I'll give the ten broad pieces* 
 
 Sir Geo. 1 am not mercenary ! young man, 1 fcorn thy 
 
 goh-^. 
 
 Fant. I'll make them up twenty 
 
 Sir Geo. Av^unt ! and tiiat quickly, Or i'll raifc fuch 
 
 appaiiiion, as fliall 
 
 Fant 
 
The HaatKed Hous-B ($j 
 
 Tant, Ad apparition, old Gentleman ! you miflake your 
 
 man, I am not to be frighted with bugbears—— 
 
 Sir Geo, Let me retire but for a few moments, and I 
 
 will give thee fuch a proof of my art 
 
 Fant, Why, if thou hafUny i^^^«//j,-«j tricks to plav. 
 why can'ft not do them here ? r 7> 
 
 Sir Geo, The raifing of a fpirlt requires certafn fccret 
 myl>eries to be performed, and words to be mutter*d in 
 private 
 
 r./r//. Well, if 1 fee through yourirlcfc, you will pro- 
 mife to be my friend ! j t^ 
 
 Sir Geo. 1 will, attend and tremble. rCv// 
 
 FiOKOMff joint, 
 
 F^.;/. A very folemn old afs • bur I fmoke hfm,-.he 
 has . mtrd to rail e h,s pnce upon me. I could not thint 
 this flin vvonld have ufed me thus—l begin to be hor- 
 ribly iir d of my drum. J wifh I was well rid of it. How 
 <i'er I hav got this by ir, that it has driven off TmleJ 
 ior ga^d and a!' ; i (han't have the mortification to fea 
 ^^ynrfheGcarry'doffbvfuch a rival. Well whatever 
 -^apiK'ns. I muft ftcp this old fellow's mouth, J- mult not 
 oe Iparmg m hufh. money. But here he comes. 
 b.nttr SJr George in his o'wn habit*- 
 
 Fant. Ha! what's that! Sir George Trueman « Th;-» 
 can be no counter ie.f. His dre s ! his (hape ! his face?' 
 the very wound of which he dy'd ! nay, then 'r.s tim^ 
 to decamp ! r „ ^. 
 
 Sir Geo Ha, ha, ha ! Fare you well, fgoodbirGeorn^* 
 - — ihe enemy has left n.e mailer of (he field; here ar^ 
 the marks of my victory. This drum will 1 hang up in 
 my great hall as the trophy of the day. ^ ^ 
 
 Enter /\bigal. 
 ISir George Jh^j^s ^^tth his. han J before his face 
 in a ifnifnig pofturc. 
 Ahig, Yonder be is. O my confcience he has driven 
 ofl the conjurer Mr Kantome, Mr Fanrome ! I oive vcn 
 ja^ , 1 give you joy. What do you think of your thou-" 
 fand pounds nuw I Why does not the man fpeak ? 
 c- n TT • ^^ l^^^^^ ^tf^J h the/Jeeve 
 
 ^btg, Oa I 'tis my maffer ! \ fhrik' 
 
 IRunuivg anjjay, hs catches Aerl 
 *" Sir Geo, 
 
l2 The Drummer; or'^ 
 
 Sir Ceo. Good Mrs Abi^jal, not (o fart. 
 y:h.r. Are v^u alive, Sir r — — He has given my flioul- 
 der fuch a ciirfcd tweak I they mud be real fingers, 1 iif:\ 
 'em I'm fure. 
 
 Sir G to. What dofl think? 
 
 /Jt'ig, Think, Sir, think ? troth I don't know what to 
 thii k. Pray, Sir, how — 
 
 Sir Geo. No quedior.?, good Ablgal. Thy curiofity. 
 fhi*!! be fatisficd in due iin:c. Where's your Lady I 
 ."ibig. Oh, I'm fo frighted — and fo g!a.u ! 
 Sir Geo. Where's your Lady, I zflt you — 
 Abig^ Marry I don't kno'.v where 1 am myfelf^I can*t 
 forbeftr weeping for jo) — 
 
 Sir Geo. Your Lady, I fay your Lady ! I muft bring 
 you to yourfelf with one pinch more — 
 
 y^big. Oh ! fhe has been talking a good while with the 
 fteward 
 
 Sir Geo, Then he has open'd the whole Hory to her, 
 I'm g'ad he has prepared her. Oh ! here (he comes. 
 Ef.ier Lady follo'wd by Vellum. 
 haJy* Where is he ? let me fly inio his arms ! my life! 
 my foul ! my husband ! 
 
 Sir Geo, Oh I let me catch thee to my heart, deareft 
 of women. 
 
 Lady. Are you then Hill alive, and are you here ! I can 
 fca:ce believe my fenfes ! now am i happy indeed ! 
 Sir Geo. My heart is too full lo anfwer thee. 
 LiicJy How could >'ou be fo cruel to defer giving ny; 
 thr.t joy which you know I mull receive from your pre- 
 fence ? you have robb'd my li!e of fome hours of happi- 
 ness that ought to have been in it. 
 
 Sir Gt:o. i( was to mnke our happinefs the more finccrc 
 ar.fi unmixt. There will be now no doubts to dafli it. 
 What has been the afflidion of our live^-, has given a vari- 
 ety to tiiem, and will hereafter fupply us with a tboufand 
 materia'^ to ta*k of. 
 
 Lady, 1 am now fatisfy'd that it is not in the power of 
 abfence to leifen your love towards me. 
 
 Sir Geo, And I am faiisfy'd that it is not in the power 
 of death to dell toy that love which raukes mc ihehappi- 
 ell of ir.en. 
 
 hady^ 
 
The Haunted House. 65 
 
 tady. Was ever woman To b'ell ! to find ?»g?.Jn the dar- 
 ling o\ her foul, when Ihe thoaght him lo(t far ever ! 10 
 enter into a kind of (econd marriage with the only man 
 V'hom (he -vvas ever capable of loving 1 
 
 Sir Geo. May it be as happy as oar firft, I defire no 
 inore ! believe me, my dear, I want words to exprds 
 thofe tranfport^ of joy and tenderneis uhich arc every 
 fnoment rifing in my heart whillt I fpeaktoihee. 
 Enter Servants. 
 
 ButL Juft as the (teward told us, lads 1 look yoa there, 
 if he ben't with my Lady already. 
 
 Card. He ! he ! he ! what a joyful night will this be 
 for iMadam ! 
 
 Coachm. As I was coming in at the gate, a (Irangc gen- 
 tleman whifk'd by me ; but he took to his heels, and made 
 way to the Gsorge. if 1 did not (ee mader before, i (liould 
 have fworn it had been his honour. 
 
 Card. Haft given orders for the bells to be fet a ring- 
 ing ? 
 
 Coachm. Never trouble thy head about that, 'tis done. 
 
 Sir Geo, \_t9 Ladj'] My dear, I long as much to tell 
 you my whole (lory, as you do to hear it. In the mean 
 while I am to look upon this as my wedding day. I'll 
 have nothing but the voice of mirth and feafting in my 
 houfe. My poor neighbours and my fervants (hall rejoice 
 with me. My hall (hall be free to every one, and let my 
 cellars be thrown open. 
 
 Bui/, Ah ! blefs your honour, may you never die 
 again ! 
 
 Coachm. The fame goad man that ever he was. 
 
 Card. Whurra! 
 
 Sir Geo, Vellum, thou haft done me much fervice to- 
 day, I know thou lov'ft Abigal, but (he's difappointed in 
 a fortune. I'll make it up to both of you. Til give^thee 
 a thoufand pound w-th her. It is not fit there (hou*d be 
 one fad heart in my houfe to-night. 
 
 Lady, What you do for Abigal, I know is meant as a 
 compliment to me. Thia is a new inrtance of your love. 
 
 Abig. Mr Vellum, you are a well fpoken man : pray 
 do you thank roy Mafter and my Lady. 
 
 * SirGi9. 
 
64 'The Drummer ; or\ 
 
 Str Geo. Vellum, I hope you are not difpleas'd with 
 the gift I make. 
 
 Vellum. 
 
 The gift is tnuo'feld, I receive from you 
 7he virtuous partner ^ and a portion too ; 
 For nvhichf in humble ou//?, / thank the donors 
 Andfo 'Wi bid goodnight tob^thyour ho-ntun. 
 
 THE 
 
 ■J 
 
THE 
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 Spoke by Mrs Oldfiexd. 
 
 TO -night the poet's advocate I ftand. 
 And he deferves the favour at my hand. 
 Who in my equipage their caufe debating ; 
 Has p!ac*d two lovers, and a third in waiting ; 
 If both the firft (hou'd from their duty fwcrve. 
 There's one behind the wainfcot in rcfervc. 
 In his next play, if I wou'd take this trouble, 
 He promis'd me to make fhe number double : 
 In troth 'twas fpoke like an obliging creature, 
 for tho*, *tis fimple, yet.it (hews good nature. 
 
 My help thus alk'd, I cou'd not chufe but grant tt, 
 And really I thought the plaV wou'd want it, 
 Void as it is of all the ufuai arts 
 To warm your fancies, and to fteal your hearts : 
 No court- intrigue, no city cuckoldom, 
 No fong, no dance, no raufic — but a drum- 
 No fmutty thought in doubtful phrafe expreft ; 
 And, Gentlemen, iffo, pray where 's the jell ? 
 When we wou'd raifc your mirth, ^ou hardly knoV 
 Whether in rtriiflnefs you rtiou'd laugh or no. 
 But turn upon the Ladies in the pit, 
 And if they redden; you are fure *iis wit. 
 
 Protect him, then, ye fair ones ; for the fair 
 Of all conditions are his equal care. 
 He draws a widow, who, of blamelefs carriage. 
 True to her jointure, hates a fecond marriage ; 
 And to improve a virtuous wife's delights. 
 Out of one man contrives two wedding nights. 
 |say, to oblige the fcx in ev'ry (late, 
 A nymph of five and forty finds her mate. 
 
 Too long has marriage, in this taftelefs age, 
 "With ill bred rallery fupply'd the ftage ; 
 No little fcriblcr is of wit fo bare, 
 Sut has his fliog at the poor wedded pair. 
 
 Car 
 
EPILOGUE. Jfgf 
 
 Our author ckals not in conceits fo ftale : 
 
 For fliou'dih' examples of his play prevail, 
 
 No man need blurti, tho' true to marriage vows. 
 
 Nor be a \d\ tho* lic ihou'd love Ins rpouTe. 
 
 Thus has he done ycu Britifh cooforts ri;;ht, 
 
 Whofe husbands, (hou'd they pry like mine to ni'^ht, 
 
 Wou'd never find you in yocr condufl (lipping, 
 
 Tho' they turned cor.jurers lo take you tripping. 
 
 FINIS, 
 
1*^ •■?«? 
 
 i 
 
^ 
 
U,-if^'