THE WILLIAM R. PERKINS LIBRARY OF DUKE UNIVERSITY ■V *«'* ■ I //■'*' • \ THE Fourth and Laft Volume OF THE W O R K S O F Mr. Thomas Brown. Containing many Mifcellaneous Difcourfes, In Prose and Verse: With an Addition of his Genuine REMAINS; AND A SUPPLEMENT, In Prose and Verse, Never Publifhed before. Ci>e j&etoenti) €t>ttion carefully Co?*ecte&. LONDON: Printed by and for Edward Midwinter '> at the Looking-G laj] on London- Bridge, 17 Jo. 8$eiW THE CONTENTS T O T H E Fourth Volume. The Odes of Horace tran/lateJ. Art of the fecond Ode in lib. 4 Pag. 1 Ode 3 in lib. 1 2 An Imitation of the fixth Ode, in lib. 1 4. t£S£^25 °de 7 in lib. 1 Ode 8 1. 1 Ode 9. in lib. 1 . To Sir John Bowyer A Paraphrafe on Horace of V:d:s ut alt* Ode 10 in lib 3. paraphras'd Ode 1 1 in lib. 2 Ode 13 in liK 4 paraphras'd Ode if in lib. 3- imitated Ode 23 in lib. 1 Ode 26 in lib. 3 paraphras'd Ode 27 in lib. 1 The Gmc Ode imitated 5* 6 ibid. 8 9 *r 1* 16 '7 xS An ii The Contents. An Imitation of the 14th Epod. in Hor. Pag 19 A Tranflation from Hor. of Mollis Inertia ibid Martial'* Epigrams translated. The Preface 19 Epig. j* 1. 2 20 Epig. 19 1. 1 Advice to a Vintner ^ 2 r Epig. 23 1. 1 ibid. Imitation of Epig, 44 1. 3 22 Epig. 63 lib. 3 23 Thecontented Whore, in Imitation of Epig. 661. 12. ib. An Imitation of Epig. ioy 1. 2 24, Epig. 61 i. 11 25- To a Gentleman that fet up for a Spark in his old Age % Epig. 43 1. 3 26 Epig. jo imitated ibid. Epig. j-4 I. 3 imitated 27 Epigrams. Under the Picture of a Beau 28 On Death, extempore ibid. Latin Epigram, by X. B. ibid. Merrily tun'd over a Glafs ibid. Extempore Epigram, occafion'dby a clamorous Dun 29 De PamaJJby by T. £. ibid. Paraphras'd ibid. Tables. Of the Bat and the Birds 30 Of the Horfe and the Stag 32 Of the Wolf and the Porcupine 3 > Of ^oZ/o and Daphne 34. I'ifcellanies. An Elegy on Mr. &*//£, Ordinary of Newgate 3? An Epitaph on the fame Perfon 37 An Elegy on the Vifcount Dundee, kiJl'd, Sec. 39 Dundee's Speech to his Soldiers 49 The The Contents. ni The Mourning Poet 5 or, the unknown Comforts, Pag. 4$ &c. To Mr. Tlarford 49 On the Encampment at Horvnjlow-heath fo On the fettin_r up Q. Elizabeths Statue, &c. f\ A Song in Praife ot the Bottle 5-3 The Rover, a Song 5*4* The Campaign, a Song ibid. The Libertine, a Song ibid. A Catch f* The Whet ?* Song . ibid. On Sternkoldund Hopkins 6$ A Tranflation out of Catullus 6? A Song in Ridicule of a famous Mufician ibid. The good Fellow 66 A true Hiftory of the Author of the Satireagainft Wit, by Col. Codrington 67 Upon the Authorof tie Satire, &c. by Sir Cha. Sidney 68 To the Author of the Satire, by CoL Bl ibid 4 The Quack corrected, by the Barl ot 69 The merry Poetafter, by Dr ibid. An equal Match, &c. by Col. Codrington 70 To the Mirror of Britifh Knighthood, by Sir R. Steele ibid. To the Cheaplide Knight, by Mr. W. Burnaby 7 1 To the indefatigable Rhimer, by Dr. Smith ibid. A mt deft Requeft, &c. by CoL Codrington ibid. Wholefome Advice, £cc. by the Earl of AngUJeA -j% To a thrice illuftrious Quack, Pedant and Bard, by the Countefs of Sandwich ibid. To Sir R. B'.—-re, on the two Arthurs being condemn'd to be hang'd " 75 A Taie, by Col. Codrington ibid. Upon the Character of Cedron, by the fame :4 An Epigram on fob, by the fame yf To the adventurous Knt. of Cheapfide, by Mr. Man- ning " ibid. To the canting Author of the Satire againft Wit, by — Mildmay, Elq. 76 Friendly Advice to Dr. Bl- — , by a Lord ibid. To Dr. Garth, on his Diipenfary, by Dr. fa. Drake 77 To Iv The Contents. To a famous Do&or and Poet at Sadlcrs-Hall 7? To the Author ot the Satire againft Wit, by T. Cheek, Efq. ' ibid. A merry Ballad on the City Bard, by R. Norton, Efq. 79 Henrico Wgden, Arm. So On the Treatment of the modern Drama, by Mr. Kn — ibid. On Dr. Iowa's growing good-natur'd before his Death 82 To a cruel Miftrefs ibid. An Ode on a Kifs *5 A Sapphic Ode # 84 A Translation ibid. On the Death of Dr. Kir'eus $8 An Epitaph on Dr. Kir lens $9 Fable of the Satire and Travellers ib. A Dialogue betwixt the New Lottery and the Royal Oak po In Obitum Tho. Shad-well 9 1 An Jnpromptu to Shadwell's Memory 93 in Decretum Parliamenti, 1689 ibid. Infcriptions defign'd for the Dial over Lincohs-Itm new Square Fountain ibid . jintenors Speech apply 'd to the Declaration, &c. ibid. Prologue fpoken before the Univerfity at Oxford 9+ Epilogue ot a Satire on Dr. Rate life , IO - On the Duke of Marlborough's Victory 317 Upon the Paper Project for raifmg Money ibid. A Latin Epigram aig The fame Epigram in Eng'ifc by Mr. Brown ibid. Epigram to his drinking Miftrefs ibid. On the Earl of To ring ton 210 The Poet's Wiil ibid. The Fable of the Lion and the Beafts 320 An Elegy on Mr. Millington the famous Auctioneer 3*2 An EiTay upon Women 314 The viii The Contents. The Charms of the Bottle, a Friend to Love 330 The Wonder of Wonders j or, a rich Vintner, and no Cuckold 331 England's Triumph for their Conquefl in TUnders, in the Year 1694, when the Trench took Namur, wor» fled us at Steenkirk, and Talmafh was kill'd at the Defcent upon Breft. A Burlefque Poem. By Mr. iho. Brown 333 Mr. Brown's Farewel to old England 339 A [I] THE. WORKS O F Mr. Tho. Brown, In Prose and Verse. Volume IV. The Odes of Horace. Part of the 2d Ode in Horace 1. 4. Tranflated. Begin- ning at, Dignum laude Virum* I. pg^535RROAI dark Oblivion, and the filent Grave, : ~ "{ p jjw Th' indulgent Mufe does the brave Hero fave ; J Ss 'Tis me forbids his Name to die, i££l?S3 And brin gs it to the Stars, and flicks it in the Sky. Vol. IV. B . Thus 2 Mr. Brown's Horace. II, Thus mighty Hercules did move To the Eternal Palaces above : Not all his twelve Exploits advanc'd him to the Sphere, Eut 'twas the Ptet's Pain and Labour brought him there. III. Thus the fam'd Spartan Twins did rife, From Ornaments of Earth to gild the Skies : Tho' Heav'n by Turns they do obtain, Vet in immortal Verfe the Brothers jointly reign. IV. And Bacchus too, for all his vain Pretence, Borrow'd his Crown and Godhead hence : He with his powerful Juke nrft taught the Mufe to fly, And me, in kind Requital, gave him Immortality. A Tranflation of Ode iii. 1. i . in Horace. Sic te Diva pot ens Cypri, Sic Fratres Helenae lucida Sydera, 8c c. Addrefs'd to his Honoured Friend Mr. B going into Turkey. SO may the Beauteous Goddefs of the Main Appeafe the Horrors of the Deep, And JEolus lock all his bluftring Train, But the aufpicious Weflern Gales, afleep. II. And though, kind Veflel, which before this Day So great a Charge cou'd'fl never boaft, With Care my dearer better Part convey, And land him fafely on the Tbracian Coait. in. His fearlefs Heart immur'd with tripple Brafs, The daring Mortal furely wore, Who flril the faithlefs Main durft pafs, And in a treach'rous Bark new Worlds explore. What Mr. Brown's Horace. 3 IV. What Scenes of Death cou'd fhake his Soul, That unconcern'd faw the wild Billows rife, And fcaly Monfters on the Surface rowl, And whizzing Meteors paint the gloomy Skies? V. In vain wife Heav'ns indulgent Care Lands from the fpacious Ocean did divide, If with expanded Sails bold Ships prepare To plow the Deep, and brave the fwelling Tide. VI. But Man, that bufy reafoning Tool, Cheap Happinefs difdains to choofe : Sick of his Eafe, the reftlefs Fool, At his own Cofl forbidden Paths purfues. VII. From the refulgent Orb of Day A glitt'ring Spark of ram Prometheus ilole, And fondly ftampt into a Soul, T' inform his new-made Progeny of Clay. VIII. Strait to reward his Sacrilegious Theft, Fevers and Ills, unknown before, Their old infernal Manlions left, And thro' the fick'ning Air their baleful Poyfons bore. IX. Then Death, that lately travell'd flow, Content with fmgle Victims, where he came, Made Hafle, and eager of his Game, Whole Nations lopp'd at one compendious Blow. X. To what fantaftick Heights does Man afpire ; Doom'd to dull Earth, the Sot wou'd clamber higher : Heav'n he invades with impudent Pretence, And makes Jove thunder in his own Defence. B 2 An 4 Mr. Brown's Horace. An Imitation of the 6th Ode in Horace, 1. i. Scriberis Vario fortis, &? boftium. — In the Year 1685, after the Defeat of the Rebels in the Weft. I. JI/'ALLER, in never-dying Verfe, • rK Your glorious Triumphs may rehearfe.; His lofty Mufe for Panegyric fam'd, May fmg the Rebel-Herd your Valour tam'd, And all the mighty Bleffings fhow, Great James, and We, to your wife Conduit owe. II. My unambitious Lyre tunes all her Strings To lower Numbers, lower things ; And Gods, and God-like Heroes does refufe The Labour of a more exalted Mufe. Had fhe endeavour'd to relate Great Alexander's Deed, or Troy's unhappy Fate, Or all the Wonders that by Drake were done, Who traveird with the Stars, and journey'd with the Sun; As long a Space had the vain Labour held, As that fam'd Town the Grecian Force repell'd. As long as fhe the tirefome Work renew'd, As mighty Drake through unknown Seas his wondrous ( Courfe purfu'd. III. The humble Mufe too well her Weaknefs knows, Nor on her feeble felf dares the high Task impofe. Tho' had not Heav'n the Power deny'd, No other Theme had all her Thoughts employ'd. 'Tis hence fhe modeftly declines to fing Th' immortal Triumphs of our War-like King ; Left her unequal flender Vein Shou'd leffen the great Actions of his glorious Reign. IV. Who can with all his boafted Fancy raife To its juft Height Heroic drthufs Praife, Or Mr, Brown's Horace. 5 Or worthily recount the Trophies won By our great Edward, and his greater Son ? But oh ! what Mufe, of all the Tribe below, Can mighty Mars in equal Numbers mow, Horrid in Steel, and moving from afar, With all the folemn Pageantry of War, Tho' the rough God mou'd his own Bard infpire, And join the Martial Heat to the Poetic Fire ? V. Harmlefs Combats, harmlefs Wars, Slender Scratches, petty Jars, Which youthful Blood, and wanton Love, Amongft our amorous Couples move, Employ my Time, employ my Mufe, All other Subjects I refufe. A Tranflation of fencer Salamina Patremqi Cumfugeret, &c. Hor. Ode 7. lib. i. I. BRave Teucer, ( as the Poets tell us ) When from his native Clime he fled, With Poplar Wreaths crown'd his triumphant Head, And thus he cheer 'd his drooping Fellows. Where e'er the Fates mail mew us Land, ( Remote and diilant tho' it be ) We'll lhape our Courfe at their Command, And boldly fix as they decree. III. Let no wild Fears your Hopes betray, Let not Defpair your Courage pall, When Heay'n fo loudly does to Honour call, '.'" And fearlefs Teucer leads the Way. .IV. Pboebus foretold (and he of all the Pow'rs Commands the myiUc Books of Fate) That frelh Succefs lhou'd on our Actions wait* And the new Salamis be ours. B 3 Then 6 Mr. Brown's Horace. v. Then drink away this puling Sorrow, Let Wine each daftard Thought fubdue, Let Wine your fainting Hopes renew, We'll leave the drowfy Land, andjplough the Main to ( morrow. Hor. Ode 8. 1. i. Ter omnes Te Deos oro, Sybarin cur proferes amando Perderel Sec. I. TELL me, O Lydia, for by Heavens I fwear, You fhan't deny fo juft a Pray'r, Tell me, why thus young Damon you deftroy, And nip the blooming Virtues of the lovely Boy. Why does he never throw the manly Bar ; And pra&ice the frft Feats of War ; Or, gaily mining in his Martial Pride, With a flrong artful. Hand the foaming Courfer guide-. III. Why does he never grafp the pond'rous Shield, And meet his Equals in the Field : Or when the Streams fwell with the flowing Tide, With his foft pliant Arms the Silver Thames divide. IV. Why does he lurk, for I bewail his Doom, Like an dljatian Bully ftill at Home, That fears to walk abroad all Day, Left eager hungry Cits fhou'd hurry him away. Ode 9. Lib. i. in Horace imitated. Vides ut alt a ft ei nive candidum, Sec. Written in Yeaf, 1685, To Sir John Bowyer. I. Since the Hills all around us do Penance in Snow, And Winter's cold Blafts have benumm'd us below ; Since Mr. Brown's Horace. 7 Since the Rivers, chain'd up, flow with the fame Speed As Prifoners advance towards the Pfalm they can't read, Throw whole Oiks at a Time, nay, Groves, on the Fire, They Ihall be our Sobriety's Funeral- Pyre. Never wafte the dull Time in impertinent Thinking, But urge and purfue the great Bufinefs of Drinking ; Come pierce your old Hogfheads, ne'er Hint us in Sherry, This, this is the Seafon to drink and be merry : Then, reviv'd by our Liquor and Billets together, We'll out -roar the loud Storms, and defy the cold Weather. Ill Damn your Gadbury, Partridge, and Salmon together, What a puling Difcourfe have we here of the Weather ; Nay, no more of that Bufinefs, but, Friend, as you love us, Leave it all to the Care of the good Folks above us. Your Orchards and Groves will Be ihatter'd no more, If, to hufh the rough Winds, they forbid them to roar. IV. Send a Bumper about, and ceafe this Debate Of the Tricks of the Court and Defigns of the State. Whether Brandon, or Offly, or Booth go to Pot, Ne'er trouble your Brains j let 'em take their own Lot. Thank the Gods, you can fafely lit under your Vine, And enjoy your old Friends, and drink off your own Wine. V. While your Appetite's ftrong, and good Humour remains, And aclive frefli Blood does enliven your Veins, Improve the fleet Minutes in Scenes of Delight, Let your Friend have the Day, and your MiHrefs the Night, In the Dark you may try whether Bhlllis is kind, The Night for intrieguing was ever delign'd. Tho' fhe runs from your Arms, and retreats to the Shade, Some friendly kind Sign will betray the coy Maid ; All trembling you'll find the modeft poor Sinner, 'Tis a venial Trefpafs in a Beginner : But remember this Counfel, when once you do meet her, Get a Ring from the Nymph, or fomething that's better. B 4 A 8 Mr. Brown's Hotrace. A Paraphrafe on Horace of Fides ut altL I. TH E Hills ( you fee ) are cover'd o'er With a grave Coat of rev'rend Snow, And Thames that did fo lately roar, Fetter'd in Icy Chains, can hardly flow ; A fallen Froft the Ground o'er fpreads, The over-burthen'd Trees hang down their mournful (Heads. II. Come then, oblige us with a Fire, That may fubftantial Warmth infpire Tho' now no Drinking in the Plants goes round, But dull Sobriety's in Nature found ; Think not this fhall excufe your Beer, With Men 'tis th' true drinking Seafon of the Year. III. For God's-fake let the Pow'rs above Their Bufinefs mind, and govern all below, If they think fit thefe Tempefts to remove, No more fhall rugged Boreas blow, No more the frozen Plants decay, But fmile as they enjoy 'd a long continu'd May. IV. To learn your Lot and future State, Ne'er pry into the Adamantine Books of Fate, But gratefully thofe Pow'rs adore, That added this kind Hour to the old Score ; And be content with what is given, 'Tis all the free and voluntary Gift of Heaven. V. Ne'er think in your declining Years, To pay neglected Love's Arrears ; But while frefh Vigour does inflame, Purfue, with Hafte, the lovely Game, Your Talent carefully improve, Indulge the Day in Wine, and fpend the Night in Love. If Lvaz £C> £&£ Grz/za/n SpinMrz/3, Krti.ir.rf Mr. Brown's Hon ace. g& VI. If crafty as the Nymph to Covert flies, By a fly Laugh, or fome betraying Noife, She guides you where fhe panting lies ; Then all you Store of Rhetorick imploy, The blufhing Damfel to enjoy. If (he hold out, then fteal at leaft a Kifs, And take a Pa^\ n for a fubilantial Blifs. The tenth Ode in Horace 1. iii. Paraphrased. Extremum 'Tanaimfi biberes, Lyce. I. TH O' you, my Lyce, in fome Northern Flood Had chilFd the Current of your Blood •, Or loll your fweet engaging Charms In fome 1'artarian Husband's icy Arms ; Were yet one Spark of Pity left behind, To form the leait Impreffion on your Mind, Sure you rnuft grieve, fure you mull figh, Sure drop fome Pity from your Eye, To fee your Lover prollrate on the Ground, With gloomy Night, and black Defpair encompafs'd all II. • (around. Hark ! hojv the threatning Tempefls rife, And with loud Clamours fill the Skies ; Hark ! how the tott'ring Buildings fhake, Hark ! how the Trees a doleful Confort make. And fee ! oh fee ! how all below, The Earth lies cover'd deep in Snow. The Romans clad in white, did thus the Fafces woo ; And thus your freezing Candidate, my Lyce t fues for you; III. Come, lay thefe foolifh Niceties afide, And to foft Paifion facrifice your Pride : Let not the precious Hours with fruitlefs Queftions dye,, But let new Scenes of Pleafure crown them as they fly. Slight not the Flames which your own Charms infufe*. And no kind friendly Minute lofe, While Youth and Beauty give you -leave to chufe. B 5 Mi io Mr. Brown's Horace, As Men by Acts of Charity below, Or purchafe the next World, or tliink they do : So you in Youth a Lover mou'd engage, To make a fure Retreat for vour declining Age. IV. Let meaner Souls by Virtue be cajol'd, As the good Grecian Spinflrefs was of old ; She, while her Sot his youthful Prime beftow'd To fight a Cuckold's Wars abroad, * Held out a longer Siege, than Troy, Againft the warm Attacks of profer'd Joy, And foolifhly preferv'd a worthlefs Chaftity, At the Expence of ten Years Lyes and Perjury. Like that old falhion'd Dame ne'er bilk your own Delight,. But what you've loft i'th' Day, get, get it in the Night. V. Oh ! then if Prayers can no Acceptance find, Nor Vows, nor Offerings bend your Mind ; If all thefe powerful Motives fail, Yet let your Husband's Injuries prevail ; He, by fome Play-Houfe Jilt mifled, Elfewhere beflows the Tribute of your Bed ; Let me his forfeited Embraces mare, Let me your mighty Wrongs repair. Thus Kings by their own Rebel- Powers betray'd. To quell the home-bred Foe call in a foreign Aid. VI. Love, let Platonicks promife what they will, Muft, like Devotion, be encourag'd ftill ; Muft meet with equal Wifhes and Defires, Or elfe the dying Lamp in its own Urn expires^ And I, for all that boafted Blame We Poets and fond Lovers idly claim, Am of too frail a Make, I fear, Shou'd you continue ftill fevere, To brave the double H.irdihips of my Fate, [ Hate. And bear the Coldnefs of the Nights, and Rigor of your SS4 Mr. Brown's Horace. ir Hor. Ode u. 1. ii. Quid bellicofus Cantaber, iff Scythes* Hirpine Quintli, cogitet, Adrla Dlvifus objeffo, remittas QuaererCi Sec. I. WHAT the Bully of France ', and our Friends on {the Rbine,- With their ft®ut Grenadiers this Summer defign, Ceafe over your Coffee and Wine to debate : Why the Devil fhou'd you, that live on this Side the Watery- Pore over Gazettes and be vext at the Matter ? Come, come, let alone thefe Arcana's of State. II. Alas ! while fuch idle Difcourfe you maintain, And with politick Nonfenfe thus trouble your Brain , Your Youth flies away on the Back of fwift Hours, Which no Praying, no Painting, no Sighing reftores. Then you'll find, when old Age has difcolour'dyour Head=> Tho' a Miltrefs be wanting, no Reil in your Bed. hi. y Prithee do but obferve, how the Queen of the Night Still varies her Station, and changes her Light : Now with a full Orb fhe the Darknefs does chace, Now like Whores in the Pit, fhews but half of her Face. Thefe Chaplets of Flowers that our Temples adorn, Now tarnifh and fade, that were frefn in the Morn,- IV. But to leave off Similies for Curates in Camblet To lard a dry Sermon, for grave Folks in Hamlet, While our Vigour remains well our Talents improve, Dafh the Pleafures of Wife with the Bleffings of Love. Here, carelefly here, we'll lie down in the Shade, Which the friendly kind Poplars, and Lime-Trees have V. ( made. Your Clarets too hot .... Sirrah, Drawer, go bring A Ci^pof cold Adam bom the -next purling Spring. And 12 Mr. Brown's Horace, And now your Hand's in, prithee ftep o'er the Way, And fetch Madam Trickfy, the brisk and the gay. Bid her come in her Alamode Manto of Satin, [ Latin. Two Coolers, I'm fure, with our Wine can be no falfe The 13th Ode in Horace 1. 4. Paraphrafed. Audivere, Lyce ; Dii mca Vota, Bit Audivere, Lyce ; fis Anus, dif ta?nen Vis for mo/a videri, &c. I. LONG have my Prayers flow Heaven aflail'd ; But Thanks to all the Powers above, That ftill revenge the Caufe of injur'd Love, Lyce, at laft they have prevail'd My Vows are all with Ufury repaid ; For who can Providence upbraid, That fees thy former Crimes with haften'd Age repaid. II. Thou'rt old, and yet by awkward Ways doft drive Th* unwilling Paffion to revive ; Doft drink, and dance, and touch the Lyre, And all to fct fome puny Heart on Fire. Alas ' in Chhe's Cheeks Love basking lies ; Chloe, great Beauty's faireftr prize, Chke x that charms our Ears, and ravifhes our Eyes. III. The vigorous Boy flies o'er the barren Plains, Where faplefs Oaks their wither'd Trunks extend ; For Love like other Gods, difdains To grace the fhrine that Age has once profan'd. He too laughs at thee now, Scorns thy grey Hairs, and wrinkled Brow; How fhould his youthful Fires agree with hoary Age's IV. [ Snow I In vain, with wondrous Art and mighty Care, You ftrive your ruin'd Beauty to repair ; No far fetcht Silks one Minute can reftore, That Time has added to the endlefs Score. And precious Stones, tho' ne'er fo bright, That fhine with their own native Light, Will but di%race thee now, and but inhance thy Night.' Ah Mr. Brown's Horace. 13 v. Ah me ! where 's now that Mein ! that Face ! That Shape ! that Air ! that every Grace ! That Colour ! whofe. inchanting Red Me to Love's Tents a Captive led. Strange turn of Fate ! that fhe Who from my felf fo oft has ftol'n poor Me, [mould be. Now by the jufl Revenge of Time ftoln from herfelf VI. Time was when Lyre's powerful Face To Phillis only gave the Place ; Perfect in all the little Tricks of Love, That charm the Senfe and the quick Fancy move. But Fate to Phillis a long Reign deny'd, She fell in all her blooming Beauty's Pride ; She conquer 'd whilft fhe liv'd, and triumph'd as fhe dy'd. VII. Thou, like fome old Commander in Difgrace, Surviving the pafl Conquefls of thy Face, Now the great Bufinefs of thy Life is done, Review'fl, with Grief, the Trophies thou haft won. Damn'd to be parch'd with Luit, tho' chill'd with Age, And, tho' paft Aclion, damn'd to tread the Stage, That all might laugh to fee that glaring Light, Which lately fhone fo fierce and bright, End with a Stink at Mt, and vanifh into Night. The 15th Ode in Horace Lib. Hi. Imitated J Uxor pauperis Ibici, Tandem Nequiti* fige modum fits, Famofefqi Laboribus, &c. I. AT length, thou antiquated Whore, Leave Trading off, and fin no more j For Shame in your old Age turn Nun, As Whores of everlafting Memory have done. Why fhould'ft thou ftill frequent the Sport, The Balls, and Revels of the Court ? 14 Mr. Brown's Horace. Or why at glittering Masks appear, Only to fill the Triumphs of the fair ? III. To Ghent or Brujfeh ftrait adjourn, The Lewdnefs of your former Life to mourn. There brawny Priefls in Plenty you may hire, If Whip and wholfom Sackcloth cannot quench the Fire. IV. Your Daughter's for the Bufinefs made, To her, in Confcience, quit the Trade. Thus, when his conquering Days were done, Victoiious Charles refign'd his Kingdom to his Son. .V. Alas ! ne'er thrum your long difus'd Guittar, Nor with Pulvilic*s fcent your Hair, But in fome lonely Cell abide, With Rofary and Pfalter dangling at your Side. A Tranflation of Ode 23. Lib. i- Vitas hinnuleo mefimilis, Cloe, £>u&renti pavidam montibus aviis Mat rem, Sec. I. WH Y flies Belinda from my Arms ? Or fhuns my kind Embrace ? Why does fhe hide her blooming Charms ? And where I come forfake the Place. II. Like fome poor Fawn, whom every Breath Of Air does fo furprize ; In the leaft Wind he fancies Death, And pants at each approaching Noife. Alas ! I never meant thee 111, Nor feek I to devour thee ; Why fhould'ft thou then with Coldnefs kill The dying Slave that does adore thee. IV. Leave, leave thy Mother's Arms for Shames - Nor fondly hang about her j. Thou'j* Mr. Brown's Horace. 15 Thou'rt now of Age to play the Game, And eafe a Lover's Pain without her. The 26th Ode in Hor. 1. iii. Paraphras'd. Vixi puellis nuper idoneus, Et militavi non fine gloria, &c. I. ' *T* I S true, while active Blood my Veins did fire, X And vigorous Youth gay Thoughts infpire, (By your Leave, courteous Reader, be it faid) I cou'd have don't as well as moft Men did ; But now I am (the m ore's the Pity) The veryft Fumbler in the City. II. There, honeft Harp, that haft of late So often bore thy linful Matter's Fate, Thou a crack'd Side, and he a broken Pate, Hang up, and peaceful Reft enjoy ; Hang up, while poor dejected I, Unmuftcal, unftrung like thee, fit mourning by. And likewife all ye trufty Bars, With whofe Affiftance heretofore, When Love engag'd me in his Wars, I've batter 'd, Heaven forgive me, many a Door j Lie there, 'till fome more able Hand Shall you to your old pious Ufe command. IV. But, oh kind Phoebus, lend a pitying Ear To thy old Servant's humble Prayer ; Let fcornful Chloe thy Refentments feel* Lafh her all o'er with Rods of Steel ; And when the Jilt mail of her Smart complaihj, Tliis 'tis, then tell her, to difdain Thy Cacred Power, and.fcoru a Lover's Pain.. Her. i6 Mr. Brown's Horace, Hot. Ode 27. 1. i. Natis in ufum laetitiae Scypbis . . Vugnare, Thracum eft, &c. I. TO fight in your Cups, and abufe the good Creature, Believe it, my Friends, is a Sin of that Nature, That were you all damn'd, for a tedious long Year, To nafty Mundungus, and heath'nim fmall Beer, Such as after debauches your Sparks of the Town, For a Penance next Morning, devoutly pour down, It would not attone for fo vile a Tranfgreflion, You're a Scandal to all of the Drinking Profeffion. II. What a-pcx do ye bellow, and make fuch a Pother, And throw Candlefticks, Bottles, and Pipes at each other? Come keep the King's Peace, leave your damning and [ finking, And gravely return to good Chriftian drinking. He that flinches his Glafs, and to drink is not able, Let him quarrel no more, but knock under the Table. III. Well, Faith, fince you've rais'd my ill Nature fo high, I'll drink on no other Condition, not I, 1 Unlefs my old Friend in the Corner declares What Miltrefs he courts, and whofe Colours he wears : You may fafely acquaint me, for I'm none of thofe That ufe to divulge what's Ipoke under the Rofe. Come, part with't . . . What fhe ! forbid it ye Powers, What unfortunate Planet rul'd o'er thy Amours ? Why, Man, fhe has lain (Oh thy Fate how I pity ! ) With half the blue Breeches and Whigs in the City. Go thank Mr. Parfon, give him thanks with a Curfe, Oh thofe damnable Words, For better for zuorfe. To regain your old Freedom you vainly endeavour, Your Doxy and You no Prieft can difTever, You mult dance in the Circle, you mull dance in't for fever. The Mr. Brown's Horace. 17 The fame Ode imitated. Natis in ufum laetitiae Scyphis, Sec. WHat, Boys, are ye mad ? Is the Dutch Devil in ye ? Mull your Quarrels as long as your Glafles eon- [ tinue ? Give it o'er, ye dull Sots ! let the dull-pated Boors, Snic or fnee at theirPunch-Bowls,or flafh for their Whores, We'll be merry and wife, but for Bloodfhed we bar it, No Red fhall be feen here but your Port and good Claret. What a P . ... mould we fight for ? No Bayonets here, But the Sconces all round and the Bottles appear. Look, the Wine blufhes for us ! while it gently difgraces Our unnatural Freaks and our mortify'd Faces. Come let's do what we came for, let the Brimmers be [ crown'd, And a Health to all quiet Good-fellows go round ! Mull I take off my Glafs too ? Then, Jack, prithee tell us Thy new Millrefs's Name : What a Mifchief ! art jealous ? Muft her Name be a Secret ? J Ions, then I've done, Hang the greedy Curmudgeon that eats all alone j Come difcover, you Block-head ! I'm fure I miilook ye, Elfe in thefe Amours, Jack was us'd to be lucky j Well, but whifper it then ! I'll keep Counfel, ne'er fear it, Is it fhe? the damn'd Jilt! Gad let no Body hear it ; Why, Faith j^^thou'rt undone then, 'twas fome Witch- [craft I'm furc Cou'd betray thee to th' Arms of a Pockify'd Whore : Well, 'tis vain to repine, Boy, let us drink away Sorrow, Ufe thy Freedom to Night, Man, let the Punk reign to [ morrow. A» 18 Mr. Brown's Horace. o An Imitation of the 14th Epod in Hor. Mollis inertia eur tantam dijfuderit imis Oblivionem fenfibus, Pocula Letbaeos utfi ducentia fotnnos Arente fauce traxerim, Candide Maecenas, cccidis faepe rogando, &c. J. AS K me no longer, dear Sir John, Why your Lampoon lies Hill undone, Tore George my Brains grown addle ; Nor bid me Pegafus beftride ; Why mould you ask a Sot to ride That cannot keep his Saddle ? II. This was the poor Anacreorts Cafe, When doating on a fmooth-chinn'd Face, He pin'd away his Carcafe. To tune his Strings the Bard efTay'd, The Devil a String the Bard obey'd, And was not this a hard Cafe ? III. If you a conftant Mifs have got, Thank Heaven devoutly for your Lot, Such Bleffings are not common. While I, condemn 'd to endlefs Pain, Muft tamely drag Belinda's Chain, Yet know fhe's worfe than — Woman. A Tranflation from Horace of Mollis inertia , February, $5. I. HO W fuch a Fit of Lethargy My Senfes has poffeil, As if a Dofe of Opium Had bury'd me in Reft ! With Vo/ ■^TCr/kalS Scute cm Mr. Brown's Marital. 19 II. With often asking what's the Caufe, You weary me your Friend ; The Satyrs which I promis'd you, 1 1 cannot bring to End. III. So poor Ana er eon, as they fay, Bewitch'd by powerful Love, Comphin'd him often of his Wound In Melancholy Grove. IV. The Miftrefs that you court my Friend* 'Tis fit you fhould adore ; I, like a Fool, am Pbygia's Slave, Yet know fhe is a Whore. 2?4 V% $% S7S {% $& 8*8 $% SS i"£ tf'4 S^S ?& H% J% v% ?fi 8% tf U V% MARTIAL'S EPIGRAMS. Tranflated by Mr. T h o. Brown- The P R E F A C & VXTlthout formal Petition Thus ftands my Condition : I am clofely blocked up in a Garret, Where I j cribble and fmoak And fadly invoke The powerful Affiflance of CLARET. Four Children and a Wife % a Tis hard on my Life, Bcfide 20 Mr, Brown's Martial. Befide my Self and a Mufe, To be all c loath* d and fed, Now the 7/Vhw are io dead, By my fcribbling of Dogg'rel and iV>^/. And what I mail do, I'm a Wretch if I know, So hard is the Fate of a Poet j I muft either turn Rogue, Or, what's as bad, Pedagogue, And fo drudge like a Thing that has no Wit. My Levee's all Duns, Attended by Bums, And my Landlady too fhe's a Teazer, At leafl four Times a Day She warns me away, And what can a Man do to pleafe her ? Here's the Victualler and Vintner, The Cook and the Printer, With the Myrmidons hovering about, Sir : The Taylor and Draper, With the Cur that fells Paper, That, in fhort, I dare not flir out, Sir. But my Books fure may go, My Mafter Ovid did fo, And tell how doleful the Cafe is ; If it don't move your Pity, To make fhort of my Ditty, 'Twill ferve you to wipe your Arfes. Mart. Epig, 5. 1. ii, Ne valeam, ft non totis, Deciane, diebus % Et tecum totis Noclibus ejfe velim. IN fome vile Hamlet let me live forgot, Small Beer my Portion, and no Wine my lot : To fome worfe Fiend in Church-Indentures bound, Than ancient Job or modern Sherlock found ; And with more Aches plagu'd,, and Pains, and Ills r Than fill our Sahnon'* Works, or Tilburgh's Bills ; If Mr. Brown's Martial. 21 If 'tis not Hill the Burden of my Prayer, The Night with you, with you the Day to mare. But Sir, (and the Complaint you know is true) Two damn'd long Miles there lie 'twixt me and you ; And thefe two Miles, by help of Calculation, Make four, by that I've re:. ch'd my Habitation. You're near Sage Will*** the Land of Mirth and Claret; I live ftow'd up in a White-Cftapfel Garret : Oft when I've walk'd (o far, your Hands to kifs, Flatter'd with Thoughts of the fucceeding Blifs, I'm told you're gone to the vexatious Hall, Where with eternal Lungs the Lawyers bawl : Or elfe Hole out, feme Female Friend to fee ; Or, what's as bad, you re not at Home for me. Two Miles Pv e at your Service, and that's Civil ; But to trudge four, and mifs you, is the Devil. Advice to a Vintner. Mart. Epig. 19. 1. i. The Hint taken from Quid te, Tucca, juvat. Hat Planet diftratts thee, what damnable Star, To dafh honeft B xrdeaux with vile Bar-a-Bar? Why fnould innocent Claret be murder'd by Port, Thou'lt furely be fentene'd in Bacchus' % Court. As for us drunken Rakes, if we hang, or we drown, Or are decently poifon'd, what Lofs has the Town ; But to kill harmlefs Claret, that does fo much Good, Is downright Effulion of true Chrillian Blood : Ne'er think what I tell you is Matter of Laughter, Thou'lt be curs'd for't in this World, and damn'd for't [ hereafter. Mart. Epig. 23. 1. i. Si memini, fuerant tibi quatuor, JElia, dentes. I. TXTHen Gammer Gurton firft I knew, Four Teeth in all fhe reckon'd : Comes a damn'd Cough, and whips out two, And t'other two, a fecond. Courage, W ! 22 Mr* Brown's Martial, il Courage, old Dame, and never fear The third, whene'er it comes ; Give me but t'other Jugg of Beer, And I'll enfure your Gums. An Imitation of Epig. 44. in Mart. Lib. iii. Occurrit tibi nemo quod libenter, &c. THat Coufins, Friends, and Strangers fly thee, Nay, thy own Siller can't fit nigh thee, That all Men thy Acquaintance fhun, And into Holes and Corners run, Like Irijb Beau from Englijb Dun, The Reafon's plain, and if thoud'ft know it, Thou'rt a mod damn'd repeating Poet. Not Bayliff fow'r, with horrid Beard, Is more in poor Aljatia fear'd, Since the ft em Parliament of late Has ftript of ancient Rights their State : Not Tygers, when their Whelps are milling, Nor Serpents in the Sun-fhine hilling, Nor Snakes in Tail that carries Rattle, Nor Fire, nor Plague, nor Blood, nor Battle, Is half fo dreaded by the Throng, As thy vile perfecuting Tongue. If e'er the reftlefs Clack that's in it Gives thy Head leave to think a Minute, Think what a Penance we mull bear, Thy damn'd Impertinence to hear. Whether I Hand, or run, or fit, Thou Hill art i'th' repeating Fit ; Weary'd, I feek a" Nap to take, But thy curft Mufe keeps me awake. At Church too, when the Organ's blowing, Thy louder Pipe is Hill a going. Nor Park, nor Bagnio's from thee free* All Places are alike to thee. Learn Wifdom once, as a Friend's Tnflance, From the two Fellows at St. Dunjtan's} Make Mr. Brown's Martial. 23 Make not each Mm thou mset'it a Martyr ; But flrike, like them, but once a Quarter. The 63d Epigram in Martial, Lib. iii. Cotile, Bellus homo &e. tl/'Hen e'er I meet you, ft'ill you cry, 931 What ihall I do with Bcb, my Boy. 4 Since Mr. Brown's Martial. ay Since this Affair you'll have me treat on, Ne'er fend the Lad to Paul's or Eaton. The Mufes let him not confide in, But leave thofe Jilts to Tate or Dryden. If with damn'd Rhimes he racks his Wits, Send him to Mevis or St. Kit's. Wou'd you with Wealth his Pockets ftore wefl, Teach him to pimp, or hold a Door well ? If he has a Head not worth a Stiver, Make him a Curate, or Hog-driver. An Epigram out Martial imitated, Book iii. Epig. 54. SI R Fopling, you're a Man of Fafhion- grown ; The moft accompliih'd Blade in ail the Town, 'Tis all the Ladies Talk ; but tell me this, What a line Man of Mode and Fafhion is ? 'Tis he that's all the Morning at the Glafs, To put each Curl in its moft proper Place, And in afTecled Forms to fet his Face, That fmells of EfTence, and the beft Perfume, Which does from India ox Arabia come. Tkat when one fpeaks ( as if he did not hear ) Humms o'er fome wanton Song, or modifh Air; That Legs and Arms in various Poftures throws, And feems to dance at every Step he goes ; That fits among the Women in the Pit ; And that he may be thought a Man of Wit, He whifpers to the next as to a Friend, That in loud Laughter does his Whiipering end ; That reads and writes Love- Letters to and fro, And does each Gallant's Wench and Miftrefs know. Who, tho' unbidden, is a conftant Gueft At ev'ry Mask, at cv'ry Treat and Fcaft. But fits in Pain for Fear the next flfoukl ftir, And fo difplace his Drefs, or Garniture. Who knows Nezu-Marktt Breed, fo well, that he Can tell you Jack-a-Danfys Pedigree ; C 2 I 2B Epigrams. And down from- long Defcent pretends to trace The famous Swallows, or fleet Dragon's Race. How, Sir, what's this you fay ! Is this Buffoon AdmirM fo for a Spark throughout the Town ? Believe me, Sir., on Earth there cannot be A more ridiculous trifling Thing than he. EPIGRAM S. An Epigram under the Pitlure of a Beau. TH'E vain Thing, fet up for Man, But fee what Fate attends him ! The poud ring Btrbar firft began, The Barber-Surgeon ends him. An Ext em fore Epigram on Death. IF Death does come as foon as Breath departs, Then he mull often die, who often farts. And if to die, be but to lofc one's Breath, Then Death's a Fart, and fo a Fart for Death. An Epigram by T. B. JijVljcrit antarclus radienti Cancer Olympo, -^ Ncfcio certe Annus , fed puto Cancer erat. Grandinis inde ruit crepitantis faxeus imber % Cecidit hhnc tacit e mobile vcllus aq::&. Slve fuas Tempus fugitivum perdidit alas, Aut pellet zeri dicer e Bruma, Vale. Thus merrily turn 9 J over a Glafs. 'THE Crab does oft the" tufted Ring polTefs, And crawls unfecn about the heavenly Place ; From whofe foft Banks the whizzing Waters fall, • And Show'rs of Love perform the Dev'l and all. But when old Time has ilretch'd the Channel wide, And flopp'd the Flux of the refrcihing Tide, Epigrams. 1 2.9 'Tis Drudg'ry then in fuch a Pool to foil; One Moment makes us glad to fay, Farezvcl. Mr. Brown's Extempore Verfion of two Verfes out of Martial, eccafeon'd by a clamorous Dun\ who vcw'd Jhe wou'dnot leave him* till fie bad her Money, SExte, nihil deles ; nihil dcbes , Scxtr, fatuity* Debet cnirnfi quis fofrere, Sc.xte, pot eft. Scxtus thou nothing ow'ft, nothing I fay ; He iomething owes that fome thing has to pay. An Epgram by Mr, Tho, Br own. De Pamaflb. PHcebe, Pater Vat 'm, modemtrr, Phoebe, diem '::. Qui par iter radiis ingcnioq-* vales. Cernis utiUcaffum riifri; tua Turba, Peel* Carp\ imus inteftam per tua Regna viam: At twus ille, ann'.s nacus me I ion bus, cl:o Vertice Parnaffi rsgnat Homerus wans. Nofqifatigatos & vincere fumma par antes Aonio prohibet figere colle pedem*. Sic ego. Sic Divus , Convitia mitte jocofa. Mitte leves Cur as, vana Querela tua eft. Regna colur.t unum nofti terreftria Regem, Odit rivales Imperial is apex. PamaJJiifq; meus gemino licet JEthcra clivo Dividat, ac Reges mn cap it ille duos. Thus Pariphras'd, OPhotbus t Father of the rhimirig Crowd, Doom'd to be poor, yet deftin'd to be proud i Bright Ruler both of Poetry and Light ; 'Tis true you give us V/it, but flarve us by't. Behold us ftruggling in thole ilipp'ry Ways, Which lead from Profit to the Hopes of Praife ; That tempting Shadow which fuch Swarms purfue, Tho' fought by many, merited by few j €3 • Y«t JO F A B L X $.. Yet oft by Fools and Flatterers enjoy'd, And to the more deferving ftill deny'd : But thy Son Homer liv'd in better Days, And fhone in Wit, as glorious as thy Rays * With Honour juftly climb'd the lofty Hill, And rul'd with Joy the facred Pinacle ; Where none his ancient Title* malt difpute, Or after him preiume to fet a Foot. Infpir'd by thefe, he took fo valla Flight, That modem Ages ne'er cou'd reach his Height. His Works forbid us to moleft his Reign^. And mew that all Attempts would prove, in vain. Yet fince all Ages have their certain Belt, And one has Right to tow'r above the reft; God like, from Cares exempt, 111 lit at Eafe, And jeit with humane Follies as I pleafe : Ne'er pine in vain, or languifh o'er ray Wants, But leave to whining Coxcomb fuch Complaints. And as no earthly Monarch will admit A rival Prince in his Imperial Seat ; So o'er Pamajfui will I reign as King, And whilft the envious Critieks rail, 111 ling. The bending Arch of Heav'n mall be my Crowni And thus, unequal'd, will I rule alone, "Till more afpiring Wit (hall juftly claim dpclk's Kingdom, and furmount my Fame* FABLES. The Fable of the Bat and the Birds. ' Jfa. Imitation of that of the Buzzard the Hind and Panther. In the Tear 1689. T. N ancient Times, as learned JEfop mows, X 'Twixt Birds and Beafts a fatal War arofe : But whether this from State-Intrigues did flow, "> Or to fome Church-Pretence its Birth did owe, > Or Depredations made, concerns us not to know. 3 Weighty, you may be fure, the Caufe was thought, Which fuch an univerfal Tumult wrought. Picqueer- Fables. j i Picqueering Parties lint began the Fny, A fad Prefage of the enfuing Day. At laft the War was foiemnly proclaim'd, The Hour of Fighting fet, and both the Leader rurnd. The foolifh Bat, a Bird obfcure and bafe, The Scorn and jeft of ail the feathered Race ; Or by fantaftick Fears and Scruples led, Or by Ambition mov'd, his Party fled, Joyn'd with the Beads, and, eiger to engage. With popular Harangues urg'd on a feeble Rage. As Fortune wou-'d, on an ill-fated Day The Beafts drew out their. Forces in Array : The different Kinds their Grudges laid afids, And for the common Safety now provide, Ev'n their old Piques, and warm Difputes forgot, The ///Wand Panther joyn'd upon the Spot ; And by one mutu.U League of Friendship held,- Prepare for the rough Bufinefs of the Field. ' When lo ! the Birds in numerous Bands appear, And with repeated Cries attack the Rear ; Give a fierce Charge, and back, like Parthians^ fly, To repofiefs their patrimonial Sky ; Then ftraight defending, with.redoubrd Might They fpend their Fury, and renew the Fight. Pale Vi&ory, ail trembling and difmay'd, With doubtful Wings the Purple Scene furvey'd. At laft, propitious to her feather'd Kind* Declar'd her Favour, and the Scale inclin'd. Whole Hecatombs the cover'd Field pofTeft, And gave their Foes at once a Triumph and a Feaft. Their flaughter'd Young the Racbt/-Dzms deplor'd, And many a wido^'d Cow mourned o'er her horned The gen'rous Eagle ( fo his Stars ordnin) (Lord. Chaces th' affrighted Lyon from the Plain : Their General gone, the reft like Lightning fly, A che.-»p unn-ghting Herd not worth the Victory. And now the Birds with eager Hafte purfue, Thro* Lanes and devious Tracls, the fcatter'd Crew : Among the reft, befet with Dangers round, The trembling Bat w«>s in a Cellar found : c 4 ?fa 3^ Fables. 'Tis Pity Fame ne'er chronicl'd his Taker, Bat all Records agree they found him Long-J:re. Parent on a Pole, they brought him to the Bar, Where the full Houfe fat talking of the War/ Strr.it at the Sight a various Noife began, Which thro* the fpacious Hall and neighbouring Lobby ( ran. Each Member in the publick Mirth concurr'd, And droll'd upon the poor Apoftatizing Bird. Firit, Parrot Settle open'd wide his Throat, Next, Cuckow Rim.r, always in a Note ; And Peacock CketzvooJ, of the Clergy Kind ; But his Poetick Feet difgrae'd the Train behind. And Creech and North, Blackbirds cf Renown ; And Corm'rant Higden, for Devouring known. Nay, to augment the Hardship of his Woes, . Owl Di/rfy chpt his Wings, 2nd hoc ted in the Clofe. When now their Raillery began to fjpare, ( And faith 'twas too much for one Bird to bear ) The Eagle order 'd Silence in the Room, And thus aloud, pronoune'd the Ihiv'ring Lubber's Docm. Beaft of a Bird, tlius to defert thy Friends, And join the common Foe, for bale ungen'rous Ends, What Punifhment can fuit fo black a Crime ? Hr. r then, and fbnd accurit to all iiicceeding Time. From air our Diets be thou firit expell'd, Or thofe in flow'ry Groves, or thofe in Steeples held, When our gay Tribes in youthful Pomp appear, To join in Nuptial Bands, and meet the fmiling Year : Nay more, to make thee mortify and grieve, To Buzzard Shadzoell we thy Places give ; Him we appoint Hiftorian of our State, And Poct-Laureat cf the Woods create. Out-law'd our Realms, and banifh'd from the Light, Be thou for ever damn'd to Heal Abroad by Night. The Fable of the Horfe and the Stag. I. np H E Horn-arm'd Stag deny'd the Hor-fe JL The Privilege of the Common, 'Till .Fables. 33 Till ftarv'd, for Want of equal Force, He begg'd Aififtance from Man. II. For why ? Refolv'd at any Rate To get his Share of Parture ; He rather chofe to champ the Bit, Than leave the Stag fole Mafter. III. With Man artride, he march'd to fight A Foe that durft not Face him ; For he, with Strangenefs of the Sight, Was frighted from his Grazing, IV. Nor had Sir Palfry much to brag He got by his Adventure ; Since Man, from routing of the Stag, Commenc'd perpetual Centaur. tfhe Fable of the Wolf and Porcupine. In Anfwer to the Argument again]} a Standing Army, I. JSgrim with Hunger preft, one Day A As thro' the Woods he ported, A Porcupine found on the Way, And in thefe Terms accofted. II. Our Wars are ended, Heav'n be prak'di Then let's fit down and prattle Of" Towns inverted, Sieges rais'd,- And what we did in Battel. III. The Plains a pleafing Profpec~t yield, No Fire, nor Defoktion ; While Plenty reigns in every Field, And Trade reftores the Nation. IV. Yet you your Quills erecled wear, And tho* none feeks to harm ye, In Time of Peace, about you bear, Methinks, a Standing Army. C s Fnen* 34 Fables^ v. Friend; quoth the Porcupine, Vis true; The War's at length decided, But 'gainft fuch tricking Blades as you> Tis good to be provided. VI. Cenforious Fame mail never fay- That too much Faith betray 5 d me ; Who thinks of me to make a Prey, Mull at his Colt invade me. VII. Let him, that thinks it worth the While, , Tempt Knaves to make a Martyr ; The Sharpers, that wou'd me beguile, Shall rind they've caught a Tartar. The Fable of Apollo*, and Daphne* A Polio once finding fair Daphne alone, ■ Difeover'd his Flame in a paffionate Tone, . S He told her, and bound it with many a Curfe, He. was ready to take her for better for worfe. Then he talk'd of his Smart, And the Hole in his Heart, So large, one might drive thro' the PafTagea Cart. But the filly coy Maid, to the God's great Awazement, Sprung away from his Arms, and leapt thro' the Cafe- II. * (ment. He. following, cry'dout, My Life and my Dear, P. cram to your Lover, and lay by your Fear. You think me, perhaps, fome Scoundrel, or Whorefbn*. Alafs ! I've no wicked Defigns on your Perfott* I'm a God by my Trade, Young, plump, and well made, Then let me carefs thee, and be not afraid. Fut flill fhe kept running, and flew like the Wind, While the poor purfy God came panting behind, • III. I'm the Chief of Phyflcians; and none of the College Muft be. mention'd with jn^ fox Experience and Know- ledge ;- Each Miscellanies? 2$ Each Herb, Flower, and Plant, by its Name I can call, And do more than the beft Seventh Son of 'em all. Withlny Powders and Pills, I cure all the Ills, That fweep off fuch Numbers each Week in the Bills* But Hill fhe kept running, and flew like the Wind, While the poor purfy God came panting behind. IV. Befides, I'm a Poet, Child, into the Bargain* And top all the Writers of fam'd Cwent-Qarden. I'm the Prop of the Stage, and the Pattern of Wit f I fet my own Sonnets, and fing to my Kit. I'm at Will'* all the Day, And each Night at the Play ; And Verfes I make fail as Hops, as they &y. When ihe heard him talk thus, fhe redoubled her Speed j And flew like a Whore from a Conlbble free'd. V. Now had our wife Lover (but Lovers are blind ) In the Language of Lombard-jlreet told her his Mind ji Look, Lady, what here is, 'tis Plenty of Money, Odsbods I mwft fwinge thee, my Joy and my Honey; I fit next the Chair, And fhall fhortly be Mayor, Neither Clayton nor Duncomb with me can compare. Tho', as wrinkled as Priam, deform'd as the Devil, The God had fucceeded, the Nymph had been Civil, '- MISCELLANIES, An ELEGY on that moft Orthodox and Tains-taking Divine, Mr. Sam. Smith, Ordinary of Newgate, wM dfd of a Quinjey, on St. Bartholomew 1 / Day, th$ t 2^th of Auguft, 1698. »°p Yburn, lament, in penfive Sable mourn, •*• For from the World thy ancient Prieft is torn,' Death, cruel Death, thy learn'd Divine has ended, And by a Quinfey from his Place fufpended. Thus he expir'd in his old Occupation, And as he liv'd, he dy'd by Suffocation. Th(m 36 MlSCELLAN ! E 3, Thou Rev'rend Pillar of the Triple- Tree, I would fay Poft, for it was prop'd "by thee ; Thou Penny-Chronicler of hafty Fate, death's Annalift, Reformer of the State ; Cut throat of Texts, and Chaplain of the Halter, In vvhofe fage Frefence Vice itfelf did faulter. How many Criminals, by thee amfted, Old Smith, have been moft orthodoxly twifted ? And who* they labour'd with a dying Qualm, Were decently fufpended to a Pfalm ? How oft haft 'thou fet harden'd Rogues a Squeaking,. By urging the great Sin of Sabbath-breaking; /nd fav'd Delinquents from Old Nick's Embrace?, By flaming Fire and Brimftone in their Faces ? Thou wait a Gofipel-Smitb, and after Sentence, Brought'it Sinners to the Anvil of Repentance ? And tho' they prov'd obdurate at the Sefiions, Could'it hammer out of them moft ftrange Confemons, When Plate was ftray'd, and Silver Spoons were miiBng, And Chamber-maid betray 'd by Judas Kiffing. Thy Chriitian Bowels chearfully extended Towards fuch, as by. their Mammon were befriended. Tho' Culprit in enormous A els was taken, Thou would'ft devife a Way to fave his Bacon ; And if his Purfe could bleed a half Piftole, Legit, my Lord, He reads, upon my Soul. Spite of thy Charity to dying Wretches, Some Focls would live to bilk thy Gallows Speeches. But who'd refufe, that has" a Tail? of Writing, To hang, for one learn'd Speech of thy inditing. Thou alway'ft hadlt a confeientious Itching, To refcue Penitents from Pluto's Kitchen i And haft committed upon many a Soul A pious Theft, but (b St. Aujtin ftole. .And Shoals of Robbers, purg'd of iinful Leaven, , By thee were fet in the High Road to Heaven. With fcv'ral Mayers haft thou eat Beef and Muftard, . I nd frail Mincc-pycs, and tranfitory Cuftard. But now that learned Head in Buft is laid, "Which has fo fvve.etly fung, and .fwectly pray'd.; Yet u MrSCELL ANIES. $J Yat, tho' thy outward Man is goce and rotten, Thy better Part fhall never be forgotten. While Newgate is a Manfion for good Fellows, And Stembold's Rhimes are nrurder'd at the Gallows ; While Holborn Cits at Execution gape, And Cut-purfe follow'dis by Man of Crape ; While Grub-ftreet Mufe, in Garrets fo fublime, Trafficks in Doggrel, and afpires to Rhime ; Thy Deathlefs Name and Memory fhall reign, From fam*d St. Giles, to Smitbfield, and Duck- lane,' But fmce thy Death does general Sorrow give, We hope thou in thy SuccefTor will live. Newgate and Tyburn jointly give their Votes, Thou may'ft fucceeded be by 3)r. Oates. ^//EPITAPH upon that profound and learned Cafulfl, the late Ordinary of Newgate. N D E R this Stone Lies a Reverend Drone, To Tyburn well known =; Who preach'd againfl Sin With a terrible Grin, In which fome may think, that he acled but odly, Since he liv'd by the Wicked, and not by the godly, In Time of great Need, In Cafe he were freed.* He'd teach one to read Old Pot-hooks and Scrawls, As ancient as Paul's : But if no Money-came, You might hang for old Satn 9 And, founder'd in Pfalter, Be ty'd to a Halter. This Prieft was well hung, I mean with a Tongue, . And bold Sons of Vice Would difarm in a Trice ; And draw Tears fbom a Flint* , Os the Devil was in't.. U 3« Miscellanies. If a Sinner came him nigh With Soul as black as Chlmny, And had but the Senfe To give him the Pence* With a little Church-Paint He'd make him a Saint. He underflood Phyfick, And cur'd Cough and Ptifick, And, in fhort, all the Ills That we End in the Bills, With a fovereign Balm, The World calls a Pfalm. Thus his Newgate-Birds once, in the Space of a Moon*. Tho' they liv'd to no Purpofe, they dy'd to. fame Tunc> In Death was his Hope, For he liv'd by a Rope. Yet this, by the Way, In his Praife we may fay, . That, like a true Friend, He his Flock did attend, Ev'n to the World's End, And car'd not to ftart From Sledge, or from CarV 'Till he firft faw them wear Knots under their Ear ; And merrily fwing, In a well-twilled String. But if any dy'd hard, And left no Reward, As I told you before, He'd inhance their old Score,. And kill them again With his murd'ring Pen. Thus he kept Sin in Awe> And fupported the Law ; But, Oh ! cruel Fate \ So unkind, tho* I fay't, Laft Week, to our Grief, Grim Death, that old Thief Alasi ^ li«l!»^ : !!!!!!lilii|ill!lli!!ll!!i!!llfll!i Miscellanies* Alas ! and Alack ! Had the Boldnefs to pack This old Prieft on his Back, And whither he's gone, Is not certainly known. But a Man may conclude, Without being Rude, That Orthodox Sam, His Flock would not mam ; And to mew himfelf to 'em a Paftor moft Civil,' As he led, To he follow'd 'cm all to the D 1. ^ELEGY in Memory of the Gallant Vifc. Dun- dee, who teas kill*d by a random Shot, after be had won the Battel at Gillecrankey. Writ by Mr. Brown, at the Requef of Dr. Griffith and Mr. Burges. Fors & virtus mifcentur in unum. Virg. JEneid. 12, f>Oddefs, to urge me on, forbear, ** Or make my mournful Song thy Care ; Opprefs'd with Doubts, and mighty Woe, I'd fing the Man, that all Mankind fhou'd know, How brave he fought, how conquer'd, and how Ctllj And in what Caufe afSft me whilft I tell: Quickly the News was hither brought, Too true, alas ! that he was dead, And all our Expectations Med ; " But yet we would not entertain the Thought, Between the Extreams of Hope and Fear, Confus'd we ftood, the Truth to hear, Until 'twas made at laft too plain, * Beyond all Doubt the great unconquer*d Man was /Iain. Forgive me, Heaven, that impious Thought, At firft I queftion'd your Supream Decree, Love to my King the Madnefs wrought, And Grief for the World's Lofs, the brave DUNDEE* Oh ! frail Eftate of Things below, Well to our Coll your Emptinefs we know. Scarce from the Fury he had pafs'd 01 a m&akenfr&ious Race, Bus 40 Miscellanies. But other Dangers follow him as faft, And trace him as he goes from Place to Place t His Friends defert, his Foes purfue, Yet ftill undaunted he goes on ; New Dangers but his Mind and Strength renew, So Brave, fo Juft, and Good, was this unalter'd Maru Tho' much o'er-match'd in Men and Arms* His Caufe and Courage only bed, And his Example far above the reft : Firmly relblv'd, he meets the numerous Foe^ 9 But firft,. with ch earful Anger in his Face, Soldiers and Friends, he fpoke, I'm fure you know, For what Intent, and for whofe Sake we go ; And then he bow'd, and briefly told the Cafe, His Speech to his Soldiers. A King entail* d, by long Defcent, Equal almoft to Time in its Extent, Robb'd of his Throne, for fure it muil be fo * Nor God nor Nature can, Only prefumptaous Man, Be guilty of To black an Overthrow. What's worfe, to palliate the Pretence, Harmle'Js Religion too is brought, Falfly and indirectly us'd, And all her facred Myfleries abus'd, Beyond what the dark Sybils ever taught. And can we bear, my Friends, this great Offence ? Can we ftand idle by, And fee our Mother robb'd, at lift condemn'd to die, And not endeavour for fome Recompence ? Envy and Fraud, Hypocrify and Pride, And bold Ambitkn arm'd for Parricide i The certain Lcfs of Liberty and Laws, And Ufurpatkn, an intolerable Caufe. All thefe, and more, have brought us here J Let no Man doubt, let no Man fear ; His Caufe is Juft, and if he falls to Day 9 Pcr.fo by Chance hs may,. 'A> Miscellanies. 41 At worft, his Name (hall wear A large and noble Cbaracler j But his exalted 6W mall fly The Boundlefs Pitch of vaft Eternity. He fpoke ; his Soldiers much- approve ; Defpair and Fear quit ev'ry Breail, Rage and Revenge their Place poflefs'd : .And then with wondrous Order t'wards die Toe they move, Buf.who th' Amazement and th' Affright can tell, Tint on the other Army fell ? Or who, without Artonijbment, can fay, The zvond'rous Things tins great Man did that Day ? In vain their routed Squadron fly ~^ In v,iin, aloud, for Help they cry, S- The Battel's loll, and they muft yield, or die. 3 But, fee of -human Things, the brittle State ? The only belt, and bell deferving Man, That mould hive breath'd beyond the cowmen Span, The hie that meets triumphantly his Fate ', As he- was lifting up his Hand, To give the finiming Command, Conies a malicious random Shot, And {truck the Victor de?.d upon the Spot. Methinks I fee the wounded Hero lie, Too good to live, and yet too brave to die ; I herir him b'efs his Caufe, and more he had to lay, But, oh ! the hafty Soul could make no longer Stay. Unconquer'd. Man, farewel ! Now thou art gone to dwell Where thou fhalt be entirely free From all the Curies of Mortality. No anxious Thoughts mall wreck thy Breaft, No. Factions Avail diilurb thy Reft ; Nor malt thou be by Tyranny epprefs'd, Thy Learning and thy Parts, Thy JOiozv ledge in the nobleft, ufeful Arts, Thy Conversation and thy Wit, Spoke thee for Earth unmeet, for Henvn only fit. * Live blell above, alrnolt invok'd below ; *p I Ave, and accept this pious Vow, £ ©ur Captain once, our Guardian Angel now, ^ j Live, } 42 Miscellanies- Live, and enjoy thofe great Retdards are due, To thofe who to their Prince are Faithful, Juit, and True, When he had f.nilh'd his Poem, he inclos'd it in the following Letter to Dr. Griffi.tb r and fent it the next Night to the Club, which was then at the Cajlle-Tavern in Fleei-freet^ Dear DeSlor, AT yourRequeft, I have, writ fomething, which, if ycu think fit, you may call an Elegy upon the Vif- count Dundee. But, in Truth, Sir, I am fo ill acquaint- ed with that Kind of Writing, that I could have wifn'd you would have pitch'd upon fome Body d(e for your Operator. As for Crambo, Jcrojiick, Anagram, and fuch Scrt of Performance, I think my felf not much below my Name-fake Dvrfy, or any other of the Gentlemen of that Order; but for th ; s Elegiack Way, I know no mere of it, with Rcfpeft to his Holinefs be it fpokeft, than the Pope of Rome. J was two Days at leaft hunting for a Pre- cedent, at laft I fell in with Mr. Cowley's Imitation of Pindar, whom I have been fo impudent to attempt to mi- mickj fo that if this mighty Production mould evtrpafs into any other Hands, it muft be dignify 'd with the Ti- tle of a P in dare k Elegy* in Imitation of Mr. Cowley. But, Sir, to be a little ferious, I am afraid I have not treated this great Man's Char after as he deferves; and withal, I am told, Mr. Dryden lias fomething of this Na- ture new upon the Stocks, fo T muft beg of you, upon thefe and other weighty Confiderations, that after you have read over the Paper, you'll immediately apply it to the proper Ufe. Sir, you fee by this, how ready I am, and always /hall be, to obey your Commands, and to take all Opportunities to approve my felf Sept. 27. Thur mojl obedient Servant, 1689. Tho. Brown. The Miscellanies, 43 THE Mourning Poet, &c. The PREFACE. T Wont fay any Thing in Behalf of the following Poem* ** A Prifon is none of the mofl delightful Places for a Mufe to exert her Talent in ; and though Verfe, in Re- fpetl of Prof, is a confined Sort of Writing, yet no Peo- ple hate Confinement more than Poets. y Tis true, I as little thought, a few Tears ago, of turn- ing Poet, as, with all due Reverence be itfaid, any of the mo(l topping Citizens about the Exchange do now ; but the Cafe is altered, and for want of employing my Tim better, . (which was none of my own Fault ) I was forced, and I hope that will juftify me, to employ it in innocent Rhiming.. But let the Verification be what it will, my Subietl and Difign, I am Jure, is virtuous and honeft. I plead for Companion and Pity to our Fellow-Creatures ; and fare- ly we Jhould be afoam'd of boa/ling our felves made after the Divine Likenefs, if we don*t copy our Maker in what, with Relation to our felves, is the heft of his Attributes. I will not rail ac thofe Perfons, by whofe Importunity and Management the late Ail again]} poor Prifoners was earrfd, that were but too ftiiferable before ; only it may be worth their while to ruminate a little upon the Apoftle's Words, Let him that ftands, take Care of Falling. The World's a Lottery, and he that preaches againft giving Re- lief to I>jy, may want it for himfelf and Family to Morrow. That ill-condition* d Engineer , who prefented Phabris with the Brazen Bull, was the fir ft that handfell'd it. And af- ter ail, Why Jhould numberlefs Wretches ftarvefor a few Delinquents ? ' If 44 Miscellanies. If Numbers fignify any Thing to gain a Caufe, we have above Sixty Thoufand Hands to ftgn this Paper. We don't fret end to Copy the Impudence ef the Legion Letter ; no, 'tis our Bufinefs to fupplicate, not huff Parliaments; nay, even to J peak fair to the meanejiof our Creditors. But tho* we are far from imitating the Infolence of the late Legi- on, ytt 'tis plain the Name but toojuftfa belongs to us, for, IL\i-jen knows, we are a Parcel of poor unpity'd Dcvih. The Mourning Poet : Or, The unknown Comforts of Im- prifenment, written in the Tear 1703, and calculated for the Meridian cf the three populous Univerfities of the Queen's- Bench, the Marfhaifea, and the Fleet; but may indifferently ferve any Prifcn in the Kingdom of England, Dominion of Wales, or Town of Berwick upon Tweed. Since my hard Fate has doom'd me to a Jay/-, Seme fcolding Mu:e direct me how to rail v * And let this Cur.e, by my ill Genius fent, As 'tis my Penance, be my Argument. The Scene o£ Life with Black and White fpread o'er, Here mews us Want, and there fuperfluous Store. The Rich Man and the Poor be then my Theme j ■ Having been both, I bell can judge of them. A Rich Man, what is he ? Has he- a Frame Diilincl from others ? Or a better Name ? Has he- more Legs, more Arms, more Eyes, more Brains ? Has he Ids Care, lefs Croffes, or lefs Pains ? Can Riches keep the mortal Wretch from Death? Or can new Treafures purchafe a new Breath ? Or does Heaven fend its Love and Mercy more To Mammas pamper 'd Sons, than to the Poor ? If not, why mould the Fool take lb much State, Exalt himfelf and others under-rate ? 'Tis fenfelefs Ignorance, that fooths his Pride, And makes him laugh at all the World belide. But: when Excefles bring on Gout or Stone, . All his vain Mirth and Gayety are gone. Then to make any Truce with his Difeafe, And purchafe :he leaft Intern! of. Eafc, Hi'd Miscellanies. 45 He'd all his ill -got Magazines refign, And at Health's Altar Sacrifice his Coin ? And when he dies, for all he looks To high, He'll make as vile a Skeleton as I. To number out the feveral Sorts of Poor, Would be to count the Billows on the Shore ; My Mufe fhall therefore all the reft decline, And to th' Induftrious Man her felf confine ; Who with incefTant Labour ftrives to live, And yet by cruel Accidents can't thrive. To truce th' orig'nal Fountain of his Woe, From whence the Grofs of ail his Ills do flow ; With War I mull begin, whofe fatal Doom Ruins all Trade as well Abroad as Home : The dire Effe&s the Merchant feels the firft, And all the other Trades by War are curs'd ; The Vintners, whom I own I pity molt, Are daily in this curfed Scramble loft. And who can wonder that fo many fail, When righteous Claret truckles to vile Ale, And Barcelona Hoops to Bclgick Mild and Stale. War (to whofe Court all leffer Evils join ) Firil help'd to circumcife our current Coin. 'Twas a fine Harveft, when the Clipping Race, To the conniving Government's Difgrace, Cut fhort his Majefly within the Ring, And dock'd his Horfes Tail ( God blefs the King : ) Then Goldfmiths, Scrivners, and the bulky Tribe Of mony'd Knaves, too numerous to defcribe, Fatten'd apace on this unrighteous Trade, And at the Realm's Expence large Fortunes made : While the poor half-ftarv'd Slaves, that for them wrought, Within the fatal Toil were daily caught : And to relieve them in their 'Tyburn Qualm, Troop'd off to the dull Mufick of a Pialm. The Charge of War out-ballanc'd foon our Trade; . As this advane'd, that palpably decay 'd. And as 'twas ten Years War that ruin'd Troy, So ten Years War d'd England'?, Wealth deilroy* ' War ! fatal War ! the Murderer of Trade, QccifionM heavy Taxes for its Aid ; It } 46 Miscellanies. It fet Mercurial I^eads at work t' invent Moll eafy Ways to ferve the Government : NEAL E flarted firft, to raife a fpeedy Sum, A MIL L 10 N-L O TTE R T, let who to II coms^ No Lofs can happen, but moft certain Gain ; Sell Lands and Houfes, neer zvas fucb a Miin> This was a general and inviting Bait, And did fo luckily relieve the State, That the Groom-Porter had encouragement, New fpecious Schemes and Projects to invent. Next, the old Maids and Batch'lors were cajolTd, Fourteen per Cent, for Life, and well enroll'd : They drew their Cam from Commerce and from Trade,"} And lavifhly adventur'd on this Aid; > Long may they live, and Hill, (as now) be paid. J At the Keels of this, Survivorjhip came in, ( 'Tis hard to flop, tho' eafy to begin ) From Six per Cent, x! increafe as Children die : So promising a Fund who wou'd not try ? Thus eager Parents paid their Money down, "} To make their Children Vaffals to the Crown, > And with much Ceremony beg their own j At lafl, refolv'd new Methods flill £ explore, ") As if we ne'er cou'd drain the Nations Store, > The Bank peept up, and all before it bore ; j As Rivers dutifully glide to pay Their liquid Tribute to their Parent Sea. Nor is it flrange : Av'rice is always wife, And Profit, fay the Learned, never lies. InCrcJl at twelve per Cent. Tor Stock .advanced, Stock to one hundred thirty Pounds enhane'd > So he that Ir.d a thoufand Pounds in there, For thirteen hundred ftrait cou'd fell his Share ; Prodigious Gain ! Such Principal, fucb life T& Exchequer pays ; what muft the Exchequer lofe ? But fay, my Mufe, what Harm was it to Trade, "} If the Exchequer Cent, per Cent, had paid, > When the Realm's wants require a prefent Aid ? J It made the Nation's Debt call for Supplies, By doubting both the Cujlms and Excife j Miscellanies. 47 It fram'd the Crepitation by Degrees, Births, Burials, Batchelors, Lights, Lawyers-Fees, Stock, Money, Titles, empty Houfes pay, Altho' the Tenants often run away. All thofe, and many more Inventions joinM To pamper War, wlule fickly Trade declin'd : Set up Stock-jobbers on the Nation's Back, Whole weight compleated poor Britannia's Wrecfo Thefe Vermin being hatch'd, the rinm'rous Brood Increas'd, and fatten d on the Tradesman's Blood ; If Tallies were deliver'd on fome Aid, Stock-jobber fix'd what Money fhou'd be paid. The Legijlatvrs gave Encouragement For Men to work, and tmft the Government 5 But tho' a general Good they thus defign'd, Thofe rav'nous Harpies of th' Exchange combined To fruftrate alii deaf to the Nation's Cries, They its bell Laws turn'd into Merchandize ; So that poor Tradefmen, for a hundred Pound, For fifty with thefe Rafcals mud compound, Or elfe to Goal ; their Wants call for Supply, And ready Cam at any Rate they'll buy : Thus all thofe Millions given for Supplies, Thofe Caterpillers ftill monopolize ; And if we find not out fome fpeedy Way To kill thefe Worms that on our Vitals prey, Commerce, the Nation's Glory foon will fail, And half our Traders perifh- in a Jayl. Oh \ who can bear to fee (6 many Hands Lie idle, like uncultivated Lands ; Devour 'd by Want, only to gratify Senfelefs Revenge and brutifh Cruelty ? Rome, whofe imperial Sway the World obey'd, Juftice the Rule of all her Actions made ; And tho* moft Nations dreaded her Alarms, Was no lefs Famous for her Laws than Arms. Among the reft, this juftly claims a Place, And let not England think it a Difgrace, The glorious Emprefs of the World to trace. The Debtor had one Part, the Lender two ; Revenge had nothing ; nothing was her Due. } Credit ^3 Miscellanies. Credit with us the whole Eftite doth ic'ze, And on the wretched Debtor's Body preys ; Heav'n's brighter!: G ift, Companion's out of Doo; And he's a graceiefs Reprobate that's poor. In France this Law does ftill maintain a Sway, If Tradefmen prove incapable to pay, Six Perfons, of known Truth and Probity, Make Inqueft what their whole Eftate may be : When -this is duly done, two Parts of three They to the Creditors allotted fee : And then one Third to Debtor is convey'd, That he may have fome Stock again to trade. How worthy Praife are fuch good Acts as thefe ? "Confidering, too, there's not a Penny Fees. Why mould we then our Englijb Laws advance, And feornfully expofe the Laws of France ? Since Subjects Fellow-Subjects can defcroy, And rob us of our boafted Liberty. In Holland, if a Creditor thinks fit His Debtor to a Prifon to commit, At his own Charge he mufl maintain him there, Not let him fcarve, as Creditors do here. A Prifon ! Heav'ns, I loath the hated Name, Famine's Metropolis, the Sink of Sliame, A naufcous Sepulchre, whofe craving Womb Hourly inters poor Mortals in its Tomb ; By ev'ry Plague and ev'ry 111 poffeft, Ev'n Purgatory it (elf to thce's a Jcfl ; Fmblem of Hell, Nurfery of Vice, Thou crawling Univerlity of Lice : Where Wretches numberlcfs to cafe their Pains, With Sxnoak and Ale delude their pcnfive Chains. How fhali I thee avoid ? Or, with what Spell Diffolve th' Enchantment of thy Magic Ceil ? Ev'n Fox himfelf can't boaft fo many Martyrs, As yearly fall within thy wretched Quarters. Money I've none, and Debts I cannot pay, Uniefs my Vermin will thofe Debts defray. Not fcoldfng Wife, nor Inquijttioiis worfe j Thou'r: ev'ry Mifchief cr-mm'd into one Curfe. Miscellanies. 49 May we at hft the Senate's Mercy find, And breathe (what Heav'n bellows on all Mankind ; Wh.it needy Clowns as well as Monarchs fhare) The common Benefit of wholefome Air: Then to your Clemency we'll Altars wife, And with united Voice our Benefactors praife. S& pray threefcorce Thou/and. To my Friend Mr. Playford, on the Publication of his Second Book of Pills. FRiend Harry to prove that your Thoughts wereabfurd, For fuppofing I could not be true to my Word, According to the Promife which I made long ago, At laft 1 have fqueez'd out a Couplet or two In the Pnife of your Pills j and tho' my Verfe late is, Yet believe it's the firil that I ever fent Gratis. By my Soul, I've been us'd fo to Bolus and Potion, That I'm ready to fwoon at a Phyfical Notion ; And if you wou'dlend me (that's give) a Jacobus; I'm perfwadcd I cou'd not tike Pul Ex Duobus : However, fmce yours have no Turpentine Flavour, Nor confine a Man clofe to his righteous Behaviour, Since no bitter Ingredients give Offence to my Palate, But they pleafe me like Cheefe which is roafted, or Sallad, I'll quit making Faces to write Panagyrick, Tho* I'm not half fo fit for't as M— for Lyrick. To begin then, pray take it as Ibotnas his Sentence, Your Pills will ne'er bring one to Stool of Repentance; But will chace away Sorrow, which will hang on our (Brows As a pretty young Girl does a Batchelor's Vows, Who, at Sight of her Beauty, drowns the Thoughts of (Mifcarriage, And perjur'd, immediately fets up for Marriage, They're a Cure for a Fav'rite who had handled his Senfes, And has loft our Good Word by getting his Prince's. The thoughtful Good Statefman, who fits a-la-mort, Becaufe he's remov'd from Council and Court, Vol. IV. D At <$o Miscellanies. AttheTafteof yourMed'cines fliail reiign up his Grief, And blefs his Retirement, and blefs your Relief. All Conditions and Sexes, in Country and City, From thee wou'd be thought Wife, to the really Witty, From the Lady who fpeaks all her Words as in Print, And has Eyes which ilrike Fire like a Steel and a Flint. To the Damfel whofe Language as co:rfe as her Skin, And who fain wou'd be dibbling, but ftarts at the Sin, And me flares at and covets the Thing call 'd a Man, And fhe thinks me cou'd do what her Ladyfhip can : From the Prodigal Cit, who's a fettling the Nation, To the poor Country Thremcr, who's as great in his Station. From their Squiremips and Knighthoods, and Lordfhips, (and Graces, To die Man of no Title, who makes 'em wry Faces : All alike fhall be purg'd by your laxative Verfes, Which fhall loofen their Tongues inflead of their Arfes, As they join Sn the Praifes of what I commend, And acknowledge you theirs, as I own to my Friend. London, June 28 , 1720. T. BROWN. Upon the Encampment on Hounflow Heath. TOO long, by flowing Luxury betray'd, Our Brittijb Ifle was in loofe Slumber laid; To long we felt the Ills of fatal Peace, And idly languifh'd in inglorious Eafe ; No manly Bufmefs did our Thoughts engage, To purchafe Fame on Europe's, wond ring Stage ; But grown unmindful of our former Name, ~> We all our Fathers Triumphs did difclaim, > While even France itk]f, withfcorn, beheld our Shame. 3 The idle Spear hung up, the polifh'd Shield Forgot the great Atchievements of the Field ; The geh'rous Sword contracted filthy Ruft, And active Pikes Lay mouTdring in the Duft. Shrill Trumpets fpeak not to the armed Throng, Our Initruments unlearn'd each martial Song, While Guns M nd Bombs as ufeful did appear, As Laws and Learning in the Times of War : Mean- Miscellanies. 51 Mean-while our Neighbours ftrove to break the Chain, And fought the Empire of fair Albion's Main, Bold num'rous Suitors briskly did prepare, To court the Nymph with all the 'on&p of War. Nay, more, the Eaftern World our Shame mull know, And rifled Bantam Englijh Conduct fhow, While the proud Dutch, by potent Nants infpir'd, Invade our Coafts, and on the Caftles hYd : Spain, that was much amaz'd at fuch a Sight, Sufpecled now the Truth of Eighty Eight. And fcarcely thought our Fathers could obtain, Such great and glorious Triumphs over Spain. Thus were we fcorn'd, and thus contemn'd Abroad, While feeds of civil Feuds at Home were fow'd ; Prompted by each bold Inftrument of Hell, Dull Fools, we did for Confcience fake rebel 5 Then fenfelcfs Clamours all our Thoughts employ'd, And Whig and Tory did the Land divide. But now triumphant James the Scepter fways, Th* adoring World our Rifing Sun furveys : He to our Minds new Vigour does infufe, And furnifh ample Matter for the Mufe ; He to it felf our Ifland does refiore, Extends its Limits, and confirms its Pow'r, While the Great Edward's mighty Ghoil is pleas'd To fee his ancient Kingdom's Honours rais'd. Behold how mining in your martial Pride Our Troops at Hounjlm do your Courfers guide; See how the well-formed Phalanx does advance, Taught by Experience, not infpir'd by Chance ; See how the Colours wanton in the Air, And Helmets giiften formidably Fair ; How Groves of pointed Spears do move along, As Trees commanded by the Thracian Spng, While Drums and Trumpets rend the lift'ning Skies, And every Heart keeps Meafure with the Noife. Surely, if Poets Prophecies are true, Thefe Heroes muft unheard of Wonders do ; Either proud France muft now freflv Vengeance fed, And once more groan beneath the Englijh Steel ; D 2 Or $i Miscellanies. Or perjur'd Holland, fome revolving D.y, For fam'd Amboyna'% fatal Slaughters pay ; Or the large Kingdoms of the powerful Weft, "} Too much by Spanifb Cruelties oppreft, S. With Englijb Arts at laft, and Englijh Laws be bleft. J Upon the fetting up of the Statue of Queen Elizabeth, of ever blejfed Memory, in the Royal Exchange, Lon- don. LE T Memmon's Statue be no more admir'd, That utter 'd Sounds, by the San-beams infpir'd ; My Mufe a greater Wonder does rehearfe, For Stones have here infus'd the lofty Verfe. Oh! London, the juft Pride of Albion's Ifle, That doft with Eafe and flowing plenty fmile, Whofe powerful Ships the Ocean do furvey, And make both Indies to thee Tribute pay, Oh ! give frefh Honours to Eliza** Name, And- view the Ming Trophies of her Fame: She rais'd thy Head, and all thy Wealth fecurM, Which elfe proud Spaniards Rapine had devour'd : She chae'd thy Night of Ignorance away, And foon refior'd Truth's incorrupted Ray. Nor were her Ble flings to this Realm confin'd : Strangers enpy'd the Virtues of her Mind : Holland, half ruin'd by the Pride of Spain, By her kind Influence rais'd it felf again ; She freed 'em from the Tyranny of Rome, And ftopt the Tide of Heaven's impending Doom. E'en France it felf, with civil Tumults ftain'd, Invok'd her Help, and Help was ftreight obtain'd, Elfe the curft League had dipt the Royal Crown, And from his Greatnefs thrown the Monarch down. Who without Joy and Wonder can iurvey The glorious Triumphs of that happy Day, When mighty Drake oppos'd the Pow*r of Spain, And fought their Navy in the Britijh Main : Long had proud Philip England's Fate confpir'd, Urg'd by Revenge, and with Ambition fir'd ; Long had he flrove by all the Arts of Pow'r Old Rome's exploded Errors to reftore. Then Miscellanies. 53 Then rev'rend Shrines were of their Reliques ftript , And con'ecrated Guns and Daggers fhipt j Each Banner was baptiz'd in Holy Oil, And Vows were made to recommend the Toil; The miter'd Prelate of St. Peter's Chair Clubb'd towirds the Work, and blefl it with a Prayer. Nw, griping Priefts that never give before, Now plunder 'd Altars- to increafe the Store. Thus fetting forth from Lisbon s fatal -Bay, Thro' wond'ring Waves the Navy cut its Way ; The World, amaz'd, lookt on the curil Intent, And Fate now almolt doubted the Event. }j at .Britain's Genius, not furpriz'd with Fear, Towards the great Fleet its nimble Courie did ilcer. The roaring Guns iirft Complements did make, At which the frighten'd Gallies 'gan to quake ; Soldiers, like Mag-pies, flutter 'd in the Air, And ev'ry Ship did in the Damage fhare : 'Till, half confum'd with Streams of glowing Fire, The General thought it Prudence to retire. Thefe Triumphs we to Great Eliza owe, Such BlefTmgs her foft Influence did bellow ; Sh' enrich'd our Ifland with the Indian Mine, And firft reduc'd Religion, and our Coin : O ! may fhe live exalted in her Fame, Enjoying all the Glories of her Name; While Britijb Fleets the Ocean fhall command, And Peace and Plenty crown our happy Land, While true Religion does her Sway maintain Againit the Arts of Fraud, and Cruelties of Spain. . In Praife of the Bottle. A Song. I. WHat a Pox d' ye tell me of the Papifts Defign? Would to God you'd leave talking, and drink off (your Wine, Away with your Glafs, Sir, and drown all Debate j Let's be loyally merry ; ne'er think of the State. The King (Heavns blefs him) knows bell how to rule ; And who troubles his Head I think is but a' Fool. D 3 Come, 54 Miscellanies, ii. Come, Sir, here's his Health ; your Brimmer advance, We 11 ingrofs all the Claret, and leive none for Frame. 'Tis by this v/e declare emir Loyal Intent, And by our Caroufing the Cuftoms augment. Would all mind their Drinking, and proper Vocaton, We mould ha' none of this Buftle and Stir in the Nation. III. Let the Hero of Poland, and Monr-rch of France, Strive, by Methods of Fighting, their Crowns to advance. Let Chappels, in Lime Street, be built, or deflrcy'd, And the reft, and the Oath of Supremacy, void ; It fhall ne'er trouble me; I'm none of thofe Ma ergots, That have whimfical Fancies of Smitbfield and Faggots. Then banifh all groundlefs Suspicions away ; The King knows to govern let us learn to obey. Let ev'ry Man mind his Bufmefs and Drinking ; When the Head's full of Wine, there's no Room- left for [Thinking. 'Tis nought but an empty and whimfical Pate, That makes Fools run giddy with Notions of State. ffe Rcver. A (fing. I. 7 Hate the Dotard, th.t retrains ■*■ Himfelf to one. Give me the Spark, That ev'ry fmgle Doe difdiins, But bravely chaces all the Park. What Charms can one pretend ? She's fair, Well fihap'd, perhaps, plays well, or fmgs. All's true ; but were fhe yet more rare, The God of Love, you know, has Wings. II. Beauty's difpers'd thro' all the Kind, Through all the Univerfe does move, And 'till it be to One confm'd, I think I've lawful Caufe to rove. To IVy this Face delights my Eye, But when I'm ask'd not to give o'er ; Your Ml-SCEJLL.ANIES. 5$. Your .Servant ; I've fed heartily : Surfeits are cLns'rous. Not a Bit more. o The Campaign. A Song. I. \f Ount, my Boys, mount; let us view the Campaign.; ^.▼X At hounjlow the Tents do cover the Plain. Hark ! the Trumpets found, the Troopers are hors'd, Jf you Hay longer, the Sight will be loft. Hark too ! the Hautboys, the Grenadiers come ; Now, iij- the Rear, march the Foot with the Drums. H He , Gentlemen, Hafte, our Friends will prefeht's Willi a kind iiuttle^ and Wench in their Tents. IL See yonder, Sir, fee'how dazling they mew ? Their Cloaths, Hats, and Arms, are brahdifhing new. How dreadfully look the Bay 'nets adyane'd ! How proudly thofe Jennets before 'em do prance ! See how the' Houfings and Trappings do blaze ! How admiring Crowds upon them do gaze ! Whigs and old Rebels are daih'd at the Sight ; They curfe in their Hearts, and view 'em with Snight, Now, now w All that long Row's for die Queen's Regiment; Yonder's the Sutler's ; and there the Smiths ftand, With Anvils, and Forges, all ready at Hand. O Wind/or and Hounflozv ! I hope your Stock's large, You'r like to maintain, an Infantry Charge. The Strollers o'th' Strand and Park will come down, hnd leave at the Camp what they got in the Town. The Libertine. A Song. I. T Languifh no more at the Glance of your Eye ; x Can view you all ov'er, and ne'er fetch a deep Sieh : No more mail your Voice, Cyren-like, charm my Heart; In vain you may figh, ufe in vain all your Art. D 4 No, efi Miscellanies. No, Madam, Pm free ; when I'm recreant again, Let me, unpity'd, feel again my old Pain. II. I'll Libertine turn, ufe all things in common ; No more than one Dim, be bound to one Woman ; Yet I'll Hill love the Sex, but my Bottle before 'em ; I'll ufe 'em fometimes, but I'll never adore 'em. Go, Madam, be wife : When a Woodcock's i'th' Noofe, Be fure hold him fall, left, like me, he gets loofe. A Catch. LE T the am'rous Coxcomb adore a fair Face ; An Hour's Enjoyment makes him look like an Afs. Lee the ambitious Fop to Honours afpire, He burns with the Torment of boundlefs Defire. And let the old Mifer hoard up his curs'd Pelf, He enriches his Bags, but he beggers himfelf. The Lover, Ambitious, and Mifer, are Fools ; There's no folid Joy, but in jolly full Bowls. Match for the Devil. In Imitation of M. RabelaSsi "llTHile others idle Tales relate, To fright Men from the marry'd State, Do thou, my Mufe, in humble Verfe, The Virtues of a Wife rehearfe. A Farmer of much Wealth poffefs'd, With Friends too, while they lafted, blefs'd, Kept open Houfe, and lov'd to feaft Thofe who deferv'd and wanted leaft. To Pleafures he prefcrib'd no Bounds ; He kept his Hunters, Pack of Hounds ; Somewhat lafcivious, fomewhat vain, Some Gentleman hadcrofs'd the Strain. To try all Joys, and Plagues of Life, He boldly took a Buxom Wife. Now frefli Expence.% frefh Delights, Attend the Day, and crown the Nights. His new Acquaintance crowd the Houfe ; Some praifc the Fare, but mod the Spoufe ; Each ftrove who fhould divert the moll, But Hill 'twas at the Husband's Coll. Ue, Vol, V the TDcm/ Sc.Fa/mo: p.%75, Miscellanies. $7 He, thoughtlefs, prais'd the expensive Plcafure, To pleafe his dear domeftick Treafure, All Care was fcorn'd, and Bus'nefs vanifh'd, The prefent Joys Thoughts future banifh'd : And being both of Years but vernal, They thought their Wealth and Loves eternal. But oh ! how vain are all Mens Fancies ! Ill -grounded Projects, mere Romances. What whims the wifefl entertain ? What ftrange Deluiions fill our Brain ! When we are eager to poflefs, We imooth the Road to Happinefs : We level Mountains, empty Seas, And Reafon fierce Defires obeys. The greater* Danger we diipife ; Our Pafiion fees, and not our Eyes. Oar Pair now find, fome Seafons paft, Nor Wealth, nor Love, would always laft, Unlefs improv'd with Application ; But that in one is out of Fafhion. Gold indeed preferves its Sway, But Love l who does thy Pow'r obey ? Ev'n Women now profefs to range, And all their Pleafure is in Change ; Now feek the prefent joys t* improve, Yielding to many that call Love ; Artful new Lovers to engage* Then flight his Love, and fccrn his Rage. Thus thefe behold what they poffefs'd, And wonder how they once were bleiYd. Their Jars are thought on, and improv'd ; They hate themfe.Ves, that once they lov'ct Thus lab'ring on in dirty Road, They fnarl, and curie the heavy Load. How happy were our mortal State, Were Indolence but our worft Fate ! No fooner Joys the Place forfake, But racking Pains Dominion take ; No fooner Love had fled the Pair, When enter'd meager Want and Care, D s The 5$ MISCELLANIES. The Houfe, wliich had fuch vaft Refort, When Riot feem'd to keep his Court, Is now forfook, a lonely Cell, Where Silence, undiilurb'd, might dwell. Clean Pans and Spits -the Walls now grae'd, For Ornament the Pewte/s pbe'd, Bright Difhes entertain the Eye ; No Kitchin- Smoke offend? the Sky. Hogfheads with difmal Sounds compkin'd, Both Hogfheads and the Man were drain'd. His Landlord, ftern, his Rents demands. S'r y'd ^re his Flocks, unplough'd his Lands. The Wife advifes Friends to try ; Her's, me was fure, would not deny. A trnufand Vows fhe had receiv'd ; Each Vow repaid, for me belie v'd. But oh ! how foon did they difcover, 'Tis Wealth brings Friends, the Face a Lover. His Wants arc he rd without Relief; Her Eyes afford not Joy, nor Grief. His wafied Fortune all affrights ; Her faded Beauty none invites. O refs'd with W.-.nt, to Woods he flies, And lee'is the Peace his Houfe denies. Roving, lamenting his Condition, Fate kindly fent him a Hhyfician. His Habit, Cane, and formal Face, Shew'd he was of Genev i Race : But cloven Fleet the Fiend deteft, And pro v'd him Author of the Seel. With joy he fpy'd the Wretches Cares, And, fawning, thus he fpread his Snares. My Son ! with Pity I have ken ( Tho' I've a Foe to Pity been ) The fad Difafters you endure, That of a Wife admits no Core. I know your Wants, and her's I guefs ; I cannot ft\ ear I'll both redrefc. . That Task, I fear, is too uneafy ; But if Poffefiions large will pleafe ye> Behold Miscellanies* 59 Behold this fpacious Tracl of Land, All that you fee's at my Command. 1 11 give it freely all to thee, If we, on Articles, agree. I can perform it, I'm the Devil, Nay, never ftart, Man, I'll be civil. It mail be yours to plough and fow ; All that above the Ground does grow, What e'er it is, fhall be my due ; The reft I freely give to you. Gladly the Farmer does fubmit, For pinching Want hath taught him Wit. . With Roots he plants the fruitful Soil, Which well rewarded all his Toil. But to his Landlord's jilted Share A weedy Harveft does appear. The Devil, vext, new Cov'nants makes, Next Year all under-Ground he takes. Then Golden Wheat the Land does bear, And ufelefs Roots are Satan's Share. The Fiend refolv'd to fpoil the Jeft, And thus the Farmer he addieft. Believe me, Friend, thou art a Sharper, Satan himfelf has caught a Tartar ; I've feen thy Wit, but now, at length, I am refolv'd to try thy Strength. A fcratching Match we'll have together ; Look to thy felf, I'll claw thy Leather. If I fubmit, the Land is thine ; If I o'ercome, thy Soul is mine. Think for your Quiet, I conjure ye ; Should you to Hell, you leave a Fury, Obferve thofe Talons, and away, And Friday next fhall be the Day. A mod'rate Beauty will inflame, 'Till we have feen a brighter Dame. Rivers, with Wonders, we furvey, Till we behold the boundlefs Sea, So ev'ry little trifling Care Appears a Load we cannot bear, -But 60 Miscellanies. But if Tome horrid Tortures :~eize us, What late we dreads! now would eafe us. The wret hed F inner homeward goes, And dreads hr future endlefs Woes. His Cares, his Duns his Wants, his Wife, And all the Banes of happy Life, Would now afford him vaft Content, Could he th' unequal Match prevent. His prying Turtle quickly gueft Some Care uncommon fill'd his Breaft. Husband and Wife, femetimes relate Their Cares and Bus'nefs, tho' they hate. Nor always Nature*?, Call deny, And tho* both loath, yet both comply. Her wheedling Tongue foon found the Means To make the Wretch difclofe his Pains. He tells the Combat, and the Laws, And magnifies his monft'rous Paws. Piih ! Js this all that plagues your Mind ? An eafy Remedy I'll find. You to your Wife's Advice fubmit, And we'll the Devil himfclf on t-wit. Come, turn about and leave your Moans, Thefe Husbands i r fuch very Drones. ■ He figh'd, obey'd, and did his belt ; His Task perform d, he went to Reft. Our happy Hours are quickly part, And time to Mifery makes Haite. Soon Frit/ay comes, a difmal Day ! When fuch a Gueft would Vifits pay. The Farmer dreads the approaching ScufHe ; (The Thoughts of Hell, the boldeft Ruffle} But ft ill his Wife keeps up her Spirits; She knew her Safe-guard, and its Merits: She bids him hide, what'er mould fall on't, While ihe received the dreadful Gallant. He foon obeys th' advent*rous Dame ; The Husband gone, the Devil came. Who knocks, impetuous, at the Gate. And angry grows, that he fhould wait. Again, Miscellanies. 6i Again, for Entrance, loud he cries, But Screams and Groans are the Replies. Love and the Devil who can bind? They ftronger grow, the more confin'd : If they can Ypy the fmallefl Hole, One takes th-; Heart, and one the Soul. So Satan, vex'd at the Deky, Whipp'd thro* the Key -hole to his Prey ; But, to his grer-t amazement, found Th' indecent Wile fpread on the Ground : High as the Warte expos'd and bnre, And with her Shrieks (he pierc'd the Air. Why, how now, Woman ? Whence this Palllon ? 7'his Poiture, and fuch Exclamation ? Ah ! pity, Sir, my wretched Cafe, /,nd quickly fly this horrid Place. You, by your grim Majeftick Air, Your Feet, your Claws, your Horns declare, You with my Husband come to fcratch ; But thou, ah! fhun th' unequal Match ! The cruel Moniler ready Hands, But hope not to efcape his Hands : His Nails are Scythe?, upon my Life, And for his Horns, Sir, I'm his Wife. This Morn, to try what he could do, On me he would his Prow els fhew: This Chifm he made with's little Finger; Behold, Sir, is it not a Swinger. With that me threw her Legs afide. And fhew'd a Hole furprifing wide. Zounds, quoth the Devil ''quite amaz'd, When on the deadly Gulph he gaz*i) What do I fee ! what makes that Wound Of fuch extent, and fo profound! If that Nail fuch a Wound could tear, "What can the Force of ten Claws bear ! And by the Stench, to fhew his Spight, With poifon'd Weapons he would fight. My Talons are not half fo long, Nor is my Sulphur half fo ftrong, No, 6i Miscellanies. No, I'll fubmit, fince my Lot 4 s Hell, At leaft I'll in a whole Skin dwell. The Land is his, but be he bound, Since he has made, to fill that Wound. With that he vanifh'd from her Eyes. And fulph'rous Stench and Fumes arife. The Farmer haftens to the Place, His great Deliv'rer to embrace. Well hail thou freed my tim'rous Soul ; But what did e'er thy Pow'r controul ? The fierceft Rage it foon difarms, Tho' Hell it frights, yet Men it charms. But be it on thy Tomb engrav'd, Tis the firft Soul a Wife e'er fav'd. The W H E T. ITT" I N E, in the Morning * Makes us frolick and gay That like Eagles we foar In the Pride of the Day. Gouty Sots of the Night . Only find a Decay. Tis the Sun ripes the Grape, And to Drinking gives Light; We imitate him, When by Noon we are at Height; They fteal Wine, who take it When he's out of Sight. Boy, fill all the Glaffes, Fill them up now he mines, The higher he rites, The more he refines ; For Wine and Wit fall As their Maker declines. SONG. WH O their Paffions do fondly conceal, They are Fools for their Pains ; 'Tis a Confidence gains What a modefl Intrigue never wins. Miscellanies. 63 Court briskly but once, and you'll prefently find, There's nothing than Woman, than Woman more kind. II. Then, gently, good Madam, comply, >\nd feem not to fay, That you rather would flay ; If you do, I mall tell you, you lie ; [him to't, For you know, had not Eve with her Chirms brought The old Man had ne'er tailed, ne'er tailed the Fruit. On Sternhold and Hopkins, and the nezv Verjlon • UnJefs the Devil owes thy Mufe a Spite. ^ To Prince and King thy* Dulnefs Life did give ; Let then thefe Arthurs too in Dogg'rel live. A T A L E. By Coll. Codrington. POems and Profe of difPrent Force lay Claim, With the fame Confidence, to TullysName; And fhallow Criticks were content to fay, Profe was his Bus nefs, Poetry his Play. Thus dfar thought, thus Brutus, and the reft, Who knew the Man, and knew his Talent beft. Maurus arofe, fworn Foe to Health and Wit, Who Folio Bills, and Folio Ballads writ; Who buftl'd much for Bread and for Renown. By Lies and Poifon fcatter'd thro' the Town. To Roman Wives with Veneration known, For Ro?nan Wives were very like our own. And Husbands then we find, in Latin Song, Would love too little, and would live too long. Xully, fays he, 'tis plain to Friends and Foes, Writes h ; s own Verfe, but borrows all his Profe. He fearlefs was, becaufe he was not brave; A noble Roman would not beat a Slave. The Conful fmiling, faid, Judicious Friend, Thy mining Genius mall thy Works defend. Inimitable- Strokes defend thy Fame ; Thy Beauties and thy Force are ftill the fame: Vol. IV. E And 74 MlSCEXlANIES. And I mutt yield with the conferring Town, Thy Ballads and thy Bills" are all thy own. Upon the Character of Codron, as 'tis drazun by the bungling Knight, in his Satire againft Wit. By Coll, Codrington. TJ O W kind" is Malice, manag'd by a Sot, Where no Defign directs the Embryo Thought, J> And Praife and Satire Humble out by Lot. J The mortal Thruft, to Codronh Heart defign'd, Proves a foft wanton Touch to charm his Mind. Can M — nt — gue or D — rf- — / higher foar ? Or can immortal Sh~-ff—!d wifnfor more ? Brightnefs, Force, Jultice, Delicacy, Eafe, Muit form that Wit that can the Ladies pleafe. No falfc affecled Rules debauch their Tafle, "^ No fruitlefs Toils their gen'rous Spirits wafle, >> Which wear a Wit into a Dunce at laft. 3 No Lumber Learning gives an awkward Pride, Falfe Maxims cramp not, nor falfe Lights mifguide. Votture and W — IJh their eafy Hours employ, Voiture and IV — ljb f oft read, will never cloy. "With Care they guard the Mufick and their Stile, They fly from B — /y, and convcrfe with B — le : They Ileal no Terms, no Notions from the Schools, The Pedant's Pleafure, and the Pride of Fools j With native Charms their matchlefs Thoughts furprizc, Soft as their Souls, and beauteous as their Eyes : Gay as the Light, and unconfin'd as Air, Chaft and fublime, all worthy of the Fair. How then can a rough artlefs Indian Wit The faultlefs Palates of the Ladies fit ? Codron will never ftand fo nice a Tell, Nor is't with Praife fair Mouths oblige him bell. Xet others make a vain Parade of Parts, Whilft Codron aims not at Applaufc, but Hearts. Secure him thofc, and thou ihalt name the reft ; Thy fpitc ihall cbufe the Worft, thy Tafte the Bert. He Miscellanies. 75 He will his Health to Mir mil's Care refign, He will with Buxtorf and with B ly mine. And be a Wit in any Way but thine. J/i Epigram on Job, traverfted by the City Bard. By Col. Codrlngton. POOR Job loft all the Comforts of his Life, And hardly favM a Potfherd and a Wife : Yet Job bleft God, and Job again was bleft, His Virtue was effay'd, and bore the Teft. But had HeavVs Wrath pour'd out its fierceft Vial, Hid he been then burlefqu'd, without Denial, The p.itientMan had yielded to that Trial. \ h pious Spoufe, with Bl — re on her Side, Muil have prevail'd, and Job had curft, and dy'd. I To the Adventurous Knight of Cheapfide, upon his Satire againft Wit. By Mr. Manning. T\7Hat Frenzy has pofTefs'd thy defp'nte Brain, To rail at Wit in this unhallow'd Strain ? Reproach of thy own Kind! to fhnder Senfe, The nobleft Gift beftow'd by Providence ! Was it Revenge provok'd thee thus to write, Becauie thou'rt curft to fuch a Dearth of Wit ? Or was it eager PafTions for a Name, To be inroll d among the Fools of Fame ? Like him, who rather than he'd live obfeure, Would fire a Church to make his Name fecure? Or was it thy Defpair at length to find Thy Lo ids of Chaff the Sport of every Wind ? To fee thy hafty Mufe, that loves to roam, Promife fuch Journeys, but comes founder'd Home ? Juft Fate of Sots, who think in their vain Breaft, Their Coffee-Rhimes fhall.ftand the publick Teft 5 Seiz'd with prolifick Dulnefs, 'tis thy Curfe To write ftill on, and ftill too for the Worfe. Who hates not Wef—y, may thy Works efteem, B#th alike able to difgrace their Theme. E 2 But 7^ Miscellanies. But thou, thro' .wild Conceit, afpir'mg ftill, Claim'ft, in thy Ravings, Efculapian Skill. Quack thou art fare in both, and curs'd is he, Who guided by his adverfe Stars to thee, Employs thy deadly Potions to reclaim Kis feeble Health, thy Pen to fpread his Fame. To the editing Author of the Satire againfl Wit. By * YTildmav. F.Cn T •Mildmay, Efq. •H E Preacher, Maurus cries, All Wit is Vain, Unlefs 'tis like his Godlinefs, for Gain. Of moil vain Things he may the Folly own; But Wit's a Vanity he has not known. Friendly Advice to Dr. Bl . By the Rt. Hon. the Lord KNighthood to Heroes only once was due, Now's the Reward of ftupid Praife in you. Why mould a Quack be dubb'd, unlefs it be That Pois'ning is an a£l of Chivalry ? Thus we muft own, you have your Thoufands Hain With direful Strokes of your refiftlefs Pen. By whipping Boys your Cruelty began, And grew, by bolder Steps, to killing Alan. Juft the Reverfe of Dionyfius Fate, Who fell to flogging Bums, from murd'ring the State. For both thefe Trades your Genius far unfit, At length with fawcy Pride afpires to Wit, Which by pretending to, you more difgracc, Than toafting Beaus our ancient Britijh Race.. Pth* Mountebank the Afs had laid conceal'd, But his loud Braying has the Brute reveal'd. Such vile Heroicks, fuch unhallow'd Strains, Were never fpawn'd before from Irijb Brains ; Nor drowfy Mum, nor dozing Vfquebaugh, Cou'd e'er fuggeft fuch Lines to Sr. John Daw. You weakly skirmifli with the Sins o'th* Age. And are the arrant Scavenger o'th' Stage. Why Virtue makes no Progrefs now, is plain, Becaufe fuch Knights as you itsCaufe maintain. Jf Miscellanies. 77 If you'd a Friend to Senfe and Virtue be, ~) And to Mankind, for once be rul'd by me, > Le.ive Moralizing, Drugs, and Poetry. J To Dr. Girth, on the fourth Edition of his incompara- ble P.ge?n, The Difpenfary ; occafiond by fome Lines in the Satire againft Wit. By Dr. James Drake. BOld thy Attempts, in thefe hard Terms, to raife In our unfriendly Clime the tender Bays, While Not hern Blarts drive from the neighb'ring Flood, And nip the fpnnging Lawrel in the Bud. On fuch bleak Paths our prefent Poets tread, The very Garland withers on each Head. In vain the Criticks ftrive to purge the Soil, Fertile in Weeds, it mocks their bufy Toil: Spontaneous Crops of Jobs and Authurs rife, Whofe tow'ring Nonfenfe braves the very Skies. Like Paper-Kites the empty Volums fly, And by mere Force of Wind are rais'd on high. While we did thefe with ftupid Patience fpare, And from Apollo's Plants withdraw our Care, The Mufes Garden did. fmall Product yield, But Hemp and Hemlock over-run the field : 'Tis skilful Garth, with falutary Hand, Taught us to weed and cure poetick Land ; Grubb'd up the Brakes and Thirties which he found, And fow'd with Verfe and Wit the facred Ground. But now the Riches of that Soil appear, Which four fair Harvefts yields in half a Year. No more let Criticks of the Want complain Of Mantuan Verfe, or the Meonian Strain ; Above them Garth does on their Shoulders rife, And what our Language wants his Wit fupplies ; Fam'd Poets after him ihall {train their Throats, And unfledg'd Mufes chirp their Infant Notes. Yes, Garth, thy Enemies confefs thy Store ; They burft with Envy, yet they long for more : Ev'n we, thy Friends, in Doubt thy kindnefs call, To fee thy Stock fo large, and Gift fo fmall. But Jewels in fmall Cabinets are laid, And richeft Wines in little Casks convey'd, E 3 Let 78 Miscellanies. Let Iumpifti Bl re his dull Hackney freig.' And break his Back with heavy Folio's Weight ; His Pegafus is of the Flanders Breed, And limb'd for Draught, or Burden* not for Speed. W:tlj Cart-horfe Trot, he fweats beneath the Pack Of Rhiming Profe and Knighthood on his Back. Made for a Drudge, e'en let him beat the Road, And tug of fenfelefs Reams th' heroick Load ; *Till, over flrain'd, the Jade is fet, and tires, And, finking in the Mad, with Groans expires. Then Bl re fhall this Favour owe to thee, "That thou perpetuat'it his Memory. Bavis and Mevius fo their Works furvive, And in one (ingle Line of Virgil's live. To a Famous Dotlor and Poet at Sadlers-Hall, T F Wit (as we are told) be a Difeafe, ■*• And if Phyficians cure by Contraries, i?/—r* aloae the healing Secret knows, *Tis from his Pen the grand Elixir flows. To the Cheapfide Quack ; occafion'd by ibis Verfe in th* Satire againfl; Wit. Who with more Eafe can cure, than Ccb kill. By a Gentleman whom Dr. C — lb— ch bad cur*d oftbe Gout. HO W durfl thy railing Mufe, vain Wretch, pretend In bafe Lampoons thus to abufe my Friend ! Wh . fe facred Art has freed me from my Pains, And r, roke a haughty Tyrant's ftubborn Chains ? KeeoofF, for if thou com'It within my Clutches, I'll b.afte thy Knighthood with my quondam Crutches. The gen'rous Wine that does my Sorrows drown, The charming C&lia th t my Nights does crown, The m-mly Pleafures of the {porting Fields, The gay Delights the pompous Drama yields; All this, and more, to his great Skill I owe : Such Bleffings can thy boafted Helps bellow ? The Miscellanies^ The Snuff* of Life, perhaps thy feeble Art May fondly lengthen to thy Patients Smart ; Bat Health no more 'tis in thy Power to give, Than thy dull Mufe can make her Heroes live. Ev'n War and Plague of killing to arraign In thee, is mod nonfenfical and vain : Thee, who a branded Killer art declar'd In both Capacities of Quack and Bard. Whatever Sots to thy Prefcriptions fly, For their vain Confidence, are fure to die i And whate'er Argument thy Mufe employs, Her awkard, ftupid Management deftroys. Death with fure Steps thy Dofes ftill attends, And Death too follows whom thy Mufe commends. What can efcape thy all-deilroying Quill, When ev'n thy Cordials and thy Praiics kill ? Thy Mother, fure, when in Defpair and Pain She brought thee forth, thought of theMurd'rer Cain, To that moft incomparable Bard and S^i/ack, the Author of the Satire againfl Wit. By Tho' Creeck, Efo 1 Charge thee, Knight, in Great Apoltts Name, ^ If thou'rt not dead to all Reproof and Shame, V Either thy Rhimes or Clyfters to difclaim. ^ Both are too much one feeble Brain to rack j Befides, the Bard will foon undo the Quack. Such Shoals of Readers thy damn'd Fuflian kills, Thoul't fcarce leave one alive to take thy Pills. A Merry Ballad on the City Bard, By the Hon\ Richard Norton, Efq ; To a new Playhoufe Tune. T N London City, near Cheapjide, *- A wond'rous Bard does dwell, Whofe Epicks (if they're not bely'd) Do Virgil's far excel. A fprightly Wit and Perfon join'd, Both Poet and Phyfician ; Artifc as famous in his Kind, For ought I know, as Titian, e 4 '- : **> Miscellanies* In CofFee-houfes pureft Air His foggy Lines he writes, In Fields of Duft and Spittle, there This Britijb Hero fights. By fudden Motion then o'erta'en, The Privy-houfe he chufes ; Great are his Thoughts, and great his Pain, And yet no Time he lofes. Grip'd in his Guts and Mufe, he there indites, And praifes Arthur moft, when molt he fh— Henrico Higdcn, Arm. Cum infaliciter ipfi Comcedia cefferit. 1693. QXJod inquieta voce, rifii, fibilis, „ Salefq; comptos £sf innoxios jocos, Super ba Bruti turba fie exceperit; Quod purpuratus Infans, iff vecon Eques, Summoq ; . Meretrix in fubfellio fedens, Totufq ; delicatulorum circulus, In te tuumq , conjuraverint opus : Nolito in iras irritas erumpcre, Damnare Mufas, increpare Apollinem, Ccelofque votis improbis laceffere. Quin Drama tandem luce donans public a t Invifis orbcm, quin, timoris infcius % Vanas Maligniorum defpicis minas ? Abunde damnum fie refarcies prius, Fam&q; confutes; Leclor dab it Iibens Quid improbus fpeclator abnegaverat. On the Treatment of the Modern Drama. By Mr. Kn of Magd. Col. ONce Bear and Champion did engage In mortal Fray on Roman Stage : Our Moderns have reviv'd the Matter, The former Age renew'd in latter, And made Bear-garden of Theatre. } °* - Here Miscellanies^ Si Here Beau, the only modifh Brute, With honeft Authors does difpute : And as on Roman Stage predicted, Fell Wound on Champion was infli&ed, When flout Bruino kept his Station, Invoking Brother Conftellation To affift him in the Difputation ; To curry poor heroic Hide well, And harrow Carcafe, Back, and Side well ; But tho' he got a bloody Rump on't, His Honour ftill came off Triumphant. So tho' the Pit Grimalkins, that maul With wicked Serenade of Catcall, Oft rout a poor Dramatic Hero, (As Teague was once by Lero, hero) A well-writ Play, like Ruffians treat, Confound the Scene, and Plot defeat, In fpite of all the Dammee Chorus, Th' immortal Wit is ftill Victorious. I then in Perfon of an Author, Since good Dramaticks have no Growth. here, Like pious Felon doom'd to be Made Pendulum for Gallow-tree ; That gives Advice, left finful Mortal, Like him, his Days in Hemp mould curtail, Advifeyou all to leave oft Writing, The mortal Sin of well Enditing ; But if no Counfel can be ufed, By rhiming Wretch when once be-mufed, (For Crown and Bum there's fuch a Curfe in, They're ne'er at Eafe, but when untruffing) Since wholefome Salt of Author feafon'd, To Tafte of Nation is unpleafant, (*#hen bufy Noddle's next in Labour, And has a Need to purge on Paper) Invoke the Baftard Race of Pbxbur, Skill'd in Acroftick, Pun, and Rebus, With Spirit of Late Marriage-hater, Tp. T' affift to make Lampoon on Nature* V And e'en on Farce it felf a Satyr ; ^ E 5 for } $2 M ISC ELL A WHS. For that alone gives T' filiation, A.id faves poor Poet from Damnation. On Dr. Lower, who was obferv'J to be grozvn Gool-natur'J a little before his Death. By atiotber Hand. HA D not good Humour o'er the 111 prevail'd, Death in attempting Dr. Lower had fiij'd ; For he, ?las ! good Man, in Health declin'd, By changing the bad Manners of his Mind : And's very Undemanding got a Cough, By leaving an old Habit too foon off. For had he kept his Humour mofi auftere, He might have yet liv'd many a Year ; Pre erv'd in his own Pickle, Vinegar : But when the Alkali had kill'd the Sow'r, His Blood being fweeten'd, oft troop'd Dr. Lower. To bis Cruel Mijlrefs. Out of French. I. TI S then decreed, and now I find I'm for a Sacrifice defign'd; Since my imperious Fair denies Reft to my Soul, and Slumber to my Eyes. ii. Go take a Kifs, Love whifpers in my Ear; But Love, alas ! gives Way to Fear. Awful Refpecl th' afpiring Flame commands, Tyes up my Tongue, and binds my Hands,. Ah! muft your bleeding Lover die, And fee his Balm, and fee his Cure (o nigh ? Or fierce, and eager of the Blifs, Shall he prefume to match a balmv Kifs* IV. No — he'll ten- thouGmd Deatfe endure, And all the Rigours of hi. c : te attend, j&'re he'll by Sacrilege attempt his C'jre, And his dear. Bellamet to once offend. d#: Miscellanies, *$ An Ode upon a Kifs. Out of French, I NA Y, now ambitious Thoughts farewelj I pity Kings in all their State, While thus in Lesbia's Arms I dwell, And mighty Love does on my Triumphs wait* Thus let me, languifhing, expire, Incircled in her fnowy Arms, 'Till fhe revives me with her Charms, And pours into my Bfeaft a nobler Fire, III. Thus let me figh my Soul away, And revel in immortal Blifs, Thus let me fpend th* aulpicious Day, And crown each fmiling Moment with a Kifs. IV. Adonis ne'er was halffobleft, Nor half the Pleafure fhar'd, as I : Tho' Love's bright Goddefs him careft, And in feer Arms hugg'd the delicious Boy*' V. Nor Jove himfelf fuch Transports knew, When Danae's Charms the captive God did hold,. Tho' he, the Pleafure to purfue, Mortgag'd his poor Almightyfhip to Gold. A thoufand Loves in folemn State On thofe two rofy Lips refide ; While bufy I, with eager Pride, Sip all their Sweets, and blefs my happy Fate, VII. Now on her glowing Breafts I range, Now kifs her Cheeks, and now her Eyes 5 The Pleafure's heighten'd by the Change, And fills me with unrulv Joys,. VIII. But2h! my beauteous Nymph, beware How you increafemy Store j 84 Miscellanies. For clfe your pamper'd Slave may dare, Drunk as he is with Joy, to prefs for fomething more. IX. For fay, fond Lovers, what you will To deify a Kifs, 'Tis but a Pledge or Prologue ftill To the fucceeding Atts of Blifs. A Sapphic Ode in the Valefiana. DVlcius quam fit put at ejfe mollis Virgo, quod ?iefcit ; fit is inde magna CognitA nondum- Veneris puellas Torquet adult as ? At recordantur ViduA peraclas Gum viris nocles, fitis inde major, CognitA.dudum Veneris priores Sufcitat ignes. Virgin: ignojci Viduane malis ? Ilia, quod- nefcit, cupit experiri ; Hac quod expert a efi, avet : Inde Virgo, JSquiut ardet. A Tranflation. Principio, Caelum, cif Terras, Titaniaq; afira Spiritus intus alit, totumq; infufa per artus Mens agitat molem T'LL fmg how God, the World's Almighty Mindj * Thro' all infus'd, and to that All confin'd, Directs the Parts, and with an equal Hand Supports the whole, enjoying his Command : : How all agree, and how the Parts have made Strict Leagues, fubfifting by each others Aid: How all by Reafon move, becaufe one Soul Lives in the Parts, . diffuimg thro' the whole. For did not all the friendly Parts confpire To make one whole, and keep the Frame entire ; And did not Reafon guide, and Senfe controll The valt ftupendious Machine of the whole ; . Kr.rth: Miscellanies. 85. Earth wou'd not keep its Place, the Skies wou'd fall, And univerfal Stifthefs deaden all. Stars wou'd not whirl their Round, nor Day nor Nigh: Their Courfe perform, but flop their ufual Flight. Rains wou'd not feed their Fields, and Earth deny Mills to the Clouds, and Vapours to the Sky. Seas wou'd not fill the Spring, nor Springs return Their grateful Tribute from their flowing Urn. Nor wou'd the All, unlefs contriv'd by Art, So juftly be proportion'd in each Part ; That neither Seas, nor Skies, nor Stars exceed Our Wants, nor are too fcanty for cur Need. Thus fhnds the Frame, and the Almighty Soul, Thro' all diffus'd, fo turns, and guides the whole, That nothing from its fettled Station fwerves, And Motion alters not the Frame, but Hill preferves,. This God, or Reafon, which the Orbs does move, Makes Things below depend on Signs above : Tho' far remov'd, tho' hid, in 'Shades of Night, And fcarce to be deicrib'd by their- own Light. Yet Nations own, and Men their Influence feel, • They rule the Publick, and the Private Will y The Proofs are plain. Thus from a difFrent Star We find a fruitful, or a barren Year ; Now Grains increafe, and now refufc to grow, Now quickly ripen, now their Growth is flow. The Moon commands the Seas; fhe drives the Main To pafs the Shores, then drives it- back again. And this" Sedition chiefly fwells the Streams, When oppofite ihc views her Brother's Beams : Or when fhe near in clofe Conjunction rides, She rears the Floods, and fwells the flowing Tides ; Or when attending on the yearly Race, The Equinoctial fees her borrow'd Face. Her Pow^r finks deep, it fearches all the Main, Teftaceous Fifh, as fhe her Light regains, Jncreafe, and ftill diminifti in her Wane. For as the Moon in deepeft Darknefs mourns, Then Rays receives, and points her borrow'd Horns ; Then turns her Face, and with a Smile invites The. full Effuiions of her Brother's Lights, They } 86 Miscellanies. They to her Changes due Proportions keep, And mew her various Phafes in the Deep. So Brutes, whom Nature did in Sport create, Ignorant of themfclves, and of their Fate, A fecret initinct flill erecls their Eyes To Parent Heav'n, and feems to make them wife. One at the new Moon's Rife to diltant Shores Retires, his Body fprinkles, and adores : Some fee Storms gather, or Serenes foretel, And fcarce our Reafon guides us half fo well. Then, who can doubt that Man, the glorious Pride Of all, is nearer to the Stars ally'd ? Nature in Man's capacious Soul was wrought, ^nd given him Voice expreflive of his Thought: In Man the God defcends, and joys to find The narrow Image of his greater Mind. But why fhou'd all the other Arts be fhown, Too various for Productions of our own ? Why fhou'd I fing how diff 'rent Tempers fall, And Inequality is feen in all ? How many ftrive with equal Care to gain The higheft Prize, and yet how few obtain ? Which proves not Matter fways, but Wifdom Rules, And meafures out the Bignefs of our Souls. Sure, Fate ftands hxt, nor can its Laws decay, Tis Heav ns to rule, and Matter's EfTence to obey. Who cou'd know Heav'n, unlefs that Heav'n beitow'd The Knowledge ? Or find God, but Part of God ? How ccu'd the Space immenfe be e'er confin'd Within the Compafs of a narrow Mind ? How cou'd the Skies, the Dances of the Stars, Their Motions adverfe, and eternal Wars, Unlefs kind Nature in our Brealts had wrought Proportion'd Souls, be fubjecl: to our Thought ? Were Heaven not aiding to advance our Mind, To know Fates Laws, and teach the Way to find i D'd not the S':?es their Kindred Souls improve, Dire^:, and lead them thro'* the Maze above, Difcover N t re, frew its fecret Springs, And tell the ikrcd Intereourfe of Things,. How } Miscellanies* 87 How impious were our Search, how bold our Courfe, Thus to afiault and take the Skies by Force ? A moft convincing Reafon's drawn from Senfe, That this vaft Frame is mov'd by Providence, Which, like the Soul, dees evry Whirl advance ; It muft be Gcd, nor was it made by Chance, As Epicurus dreamt : He madly thought This beauteous Frame cf heediels Atoms wrought. The Seas and Earth, the Stars and fpacious Air, Which forms new Worlds, or does the eld repair, Firft rofe from thefe, and ftill fupply'd remain, And all mull be, when Chance fhall break the Chain, Difiblv'd to thefe wild Principles again. Abfurd and Nonfenfe ! Atheift ufe thine Eyes, And having view'd the Order of the Skies, Think, if thou can'ft, that Matter, blindly hurl'd, Without a Guide, fhou'd frame this wond'rous World. . But did Chance make, and Chance ftill rule the whole r Why do the Signs in conftant Order roll, Obferve fet Times to fhut and open Day, Nor meet, nor joftle, and miftake their Way, Perform their Courfe as if by Laws conhVd, None haften on, and leave the reft behind ? Why ev'ry Day does the difcovering Flame Shew the fame World, and leave it ftill the fame? And ev'n at Night, when Time in Secret Hies, And veils himfelf in Shades from human Eyes, Can by the Signs Men know how fail he fled, And in the Skies the hafty Minutes read ? Why fhou'd I count how oft the Earth has mourn'd The Sun's Retreat, andfmil'd when he return'di How oft he does his various Courfe divide Twixt Winter's Nakednefs and Summer's Pride ? All mortal Things mult change.- The fruitful Plain, As Seafons turn, fcarce knows her felf agJn; Such various Forms fhe bears : Large Empires too Put off the former Face, and take a New : Yet fafe the World and free from Change does lafc. No Years encreafe it, and no Years can wafte. Its Courfe it urges on, .->nd keeps itsFr-me, And ftill will be, becaufe 'twas ftill the lame. & 88 Miscellanies; It ftands fecure from Time's devouring Age, For 'tis a God that guides, nor can it change with Age. On the Death of Dr. Kirleus. YE Ghofts of Triggs old Safo/d, and Ponteus, Arile ! arife ! to meet the Great KIRLEUS. And ye kind D.imfels of this finful Town, Us'd to difpenfe Love's Joys for half a Crown, Lament, for now your trufty Friend is gone. Ye Holborn Bullies, ftrew his Herfe with Rofes, For to his heav'nly Skill you owe your Nofes. Weep, Cupid, weep, nor thy juft Sorrow fmother, For, Child, thou'd'l better far have loft thy Mother. With Rev'rend Kirle Love's Power will fall away, His Empire lefTen, and liis Strength decay. Thy Pills, Old Bard, in Spite of State and Kirk, Ev'n on the Sabbath-Day it fcif wou'd Work : And Sinners brought (ib righteous was thy Sentence To penfive Stool of forrowful Repentance. Since Death on thee has kid her Fingers Icy, Ipf& te Pinus, ipf&flevere MyricA, And Sympathetick Firs in mournful State, With Tears of Turpentine bewail'd thy Fate. Thou never did'ft reject poor daggl'd Mifs, Altho'lhe fued in forma Pauperis, Grave Shop-keepers were fet up by thy Aid, And many a found Divine by thee was made. In Term and out of Term Kirle ferv'd the Nation, And knew no Intervals of dull Vacation. Say what you will, this Matter of true Fact is, That few' exceeded him in Chamber- Practice. Lawyers in Crowds to his fam'd Manfion preft, In hopes to have their Caufe by him redreft : For none knew better how to make- an End on't, 'Twixt Plantiff Counfellor, and Chap Defendant. Tho' the Difeafe prov'd ne'er fo ftifF and crofs, He foon cou'd check it with a Noli Prof. Young Clerks, when ftray'd from Noverint Univerf, By him were cur'd j and was not that a Mercy ? } He Miscellanies. 89 He was Love's Shre've, and drove Infection, Chac'd Ulcers by a Potion of "Ejeclion ; And as for th' oldeft Ills, knew how to fcare 'cm, By marching with a Pcffe Pill alarum, ' Methinks I ftill behold Mujeilick Kirk, With folemn Air his Belgick Whiskers twirlc ; Wrapt in blue Rug, methinks I hear him talk, And prole for Cuftomers in Gray's-lnn Walk. But why fond Hopes ftiou'd I thus feed in vain ? He's gone, alas ! and ne'er will come again. Since, then, he's left us for a better Place, Remember, Gentlemen, your Friend John Cafe. An Epitaph en Dr. Kirleus of Gray's-Inn-Lane, occafi- oned by his Friends reporting bint only gone into the Country. TH E famous Kirleus, Collegiate Phyfician, As cheap a Practitioner as you could wiih one, Who only with Diet-Drink, and a few Pills, Cur'd Gout, Stone, and Pox, and a Thoufand more His, Is gone to the Country, infernal with Phyfick. To cure Kbadamanthus, they fay, of the Ptiflkk. Let not Nendick then brag, Of this Tetrachymagy Nor himfelf Tilburg Prize on Drinking Bumpers of Poifon. So ufeful a Doctor our Youngfters will mifs, He hinder'd no Bufinefs, 'till Death hinder'd his. A Journey thus tedious all Sporters may mourn, For 'tis Forty to One that hell never return. The Fable of the Satyr and the Traveller, I. TO his poor Cell a Satyr led A Traveller with Cold half dead, And with great Kindnefs treated : A Fire Nofe-high he made him ftrait, Shew'd him his Elbow- Chair of State, And near the Chimney feated. Hi* $o Miscellanies. II. His tingling Hands the Stranger blows, Ajt which the Satyr wond'ring rofe, And bluntly ask'd the Reafon. Sir, quoth the Man, I mean no Harm* I only do J t my Hands to warm. In tins cold Frofty Seafon. III. The Satyr gave him from the Pet A. Mefs of Porridge piping hot ; The Man blow'd o'er his Gruel. What's that for, Friend ? The Satyr cry'd, To cool my Broth, his Gueft reply'd, And Truth, Sir, is a Jewel. IV. How, quoth the Holt, then is it (o, And can you contradictions blow ? Turn ouc, and leave my Cott?.ge. This honefl Manfion ne'er mail hold Such Rafcals as blow Hot and Cold, The De'l muft find your Pottage. The C *s defir'd that in their neat Chief, They'd be pleat d from this Fable to take good Advki J For a Man that two Churches at once has in View % Shams both in their Tumi, and to neither is true. A Dialogae betwixt the New Lotteries and the Royal' Oak. New Lotteries. TO you, the Mother of our Schools, Where Knaves, by Licenfe, manage Fools, Finding fit Juncture and Occaiion To pick the Pockets of the Nation, We come to know how we muft treat 'em, And to their Hearts Content may cheat 'em. Royal-Oak. It chears my aged Heart to fee So num'rous a Progeny ; I find by you, that 'tis Heaven's Will, That Knavery ihould flourifh ftill ; You Miscellanies. You have Docility and Wit, A nd Fools were ne\ er wanting yet. Obferve the crafty Auftioneer, His Art to fell wafte Paper dear : When he for Salmon baits his Hooks, Tkt Cormorant of Offal-Books, Who bites, are fure as-JVhggots breed, Or Carrion-Crows on Horfe-flem feed. Fair fpecious Titles him deceive, To fweep what SI and T ;; leave. If greedy Gulls you wou'd enfnare, Make 'em Propofals wond'rous fair. Tell 'em ftrange Golden Show'rs mail fall, And promife Mountains to 'em all. Nezv Lotteries. That Craft we've been already taught, And by that Trick have Millions caught. Books, Bawbles, Toys, all Sort3 of Stuff, Have gone off this Way well enough. Nay, Mnfick too invades our Art, And to fome Tune "wou'd play her Part. I'll mew you now what we are doing, For we have divers Wheels a going. We have found out richer Lands, Than Afia Hills, or Africk's Sands, And to vafl Treafures mull give Birth, Deep hid in Bowels of th' Earth ; In fertile Wales, and God knows where, Rich Mines of Gold and Silver are. From whence we drain'd prodigious Store Of Silver Coin'd, tho* none in Ore, Which down our Throats rich Coxcombs pour, In hopes to make us vomit more. Royal Oak. This Project furely muft be good, Becaufe not eafily underilood: Becaufe, it gives a mighty Scope To the Fool's Argument, Vain Hope. No Eagle's Eye the Cheat can fee, Thro' Hope thus "back'd by Myiiery. Ne-m 92 Miscellanies. New Lotteries. We have befidcs a Thoufand more, For Great and Small, for Rich and Poor, From him that can his Thoufands fpare, Down to the Penny-Cuftomer. Royal Oak. The filly Mob in Crowds will run, To be at eafy Rates undone ; A Gimcrack-Show draws in the Rout, Thoufands their All, by Pence, lay out. New Lotteries. We, by Experience, find it true ; But we have Methods wholly Newj Strange late invented Ways to thrive, To make Men pay for what they give ; To get the Rents into our Hands Of their Hereditary Lands, And out of what doth thence arife, To make 'em buy Annuities. We've Mathematick Combination, To cheat Fools by plain Demonftration, Which mall be fairly manag'd too, The Undertakers know not how. Befide, Royal Oak. Pray, hold a little, here*s enough, To beggar Europe, of this Stuff. Go on, and profper, and be Great, I am to you a puny Cheat. In Obitum Tb. Sbadwell, pinguis memoriae 1693. I. f^Ondiiur hoe tumulo Bavius, gravis ejfe memento *"* Terra tuo Bavio, nam fuit file tibi. II. Tarn citb miraris Bavii foetere cadaver? Non erat in toto corpore mica falls. III. Mors uni Bavio lucrum ; nam jugera Fates Qui vivens habuit nulla, fepultus habet. Por- Miscellanies. 93 IV. Porrigiiur nevus bit Tityus per jvgera feptem, Nee qua tondebit vifcera deerit Avis. V. Dicite, {nam bene vos noftis) gens Critic a, Vates Anfuerit Bavius pejor, an Hiftoricus. VI. Militiam fieeo Wilelmus Mart e per egit, O Clemens C&far! confulii biftoricc. VII. Tom writ, his Readers Hill flept o'er his Book ; For Tom took Opium, and they Opiates took. yfo Impromptu to Shad well'; Memory, by Dr. B AN D mutt our glorious Laurent then depart ! ~p Heaven, if it pleafe may take his loyal Heart; > As for the relt, fweet Devil, fetch a Cart. 3 In Decretum Parliament! 1689. De ncn adulterandis Vinis. fVlimen adulter H vetuerunt Biblia fruftra. Jaw 4 u id a g es > Caupo P Parliament a vetanf. Infcriptions defign'd for the Dial, over the Fountain in the new Square at Lincoln y s-Inn. UT refer at gratam mercedem qi<&libet bora, Munificum laudct qu&Iibet bora Deum. II. Una fiuit lap/u, quid ft as ignave, perenni, Carpe viator inter , Be tibi vita fiuit. ' III. H&r Legum domus eft, colit. banc Tbemis aurea fedem t Hofpite nee Domtis eft dignior ulla Dea. Antenor'z Speech in the fecond JEneid, apply 'd to the De- claration 1 for Liberty of Confcience. In the Ycar 16S7. Timet 94 Miscellanies. ■ ■ " Timet Danaos, & dona ferentet. YO U dull Diffenters, wh.it Vain Folly blinds Your Senfes thus, and captivates your Mind3 ? Think you this proffer 1 d Liberty is free From Tricks, and Snares, and pnp.il Treachery ? Think you 'twas meant according to the Letter ? Oh ! that fuch plodding Heads fhou Rogues, thatwou'd damn themfelves for Haifa Crown : J Rogues, that for one poor Draught of Midling-Beer Wou'd hang a Parifli, and for Tripe, a- Shire. •Tis true, ibme few you had ; but Tray tors come Here to receive, not to deferve their Doom. Sq Miscellanies. 95 So Par?dife the Serpent gain'd at firft, Enter'd the bleit Abodes, but itrait he was accuril. This is your Happinefs. Bat we are Hill al. rm'd with fenfelefs Noife; Guild-ball Ele£riqns, and leud frantick Cries. Tir'd with dull Managers of duller Plots, And free-horn- Shves, and Magna Cbarta Sots. Oh ! wou'd the Town a Pattern tike from you, Whom the word Times ltill found to C&far true, Difcords wou'd ceafe, ill-natur'd Jars retire, And ev'ry Mufe in Cbarlc's Praife confpire. Peace, with her Train, wou'd guard our Halcyon Shore, And Britain envy Saturn s Age no more. EPILOGUE. NO T with more Grief the Whiggifh Herd beheld Their Plots difcover'd, their Intriegues reveal'd, And all their godly Villanicsrun down, Than now we feel to leave your happy Town. Now mud our Tribe, fince we depart from you, Shake Hands with Learning, and bid Wit Adieu : With Dogg'rel Rhimcs the flupid Routappeafe, And murder EngHJb perfectly to pleifc. So fome, to get an Alms, a Lamcnefs feign, And by pretending Halting pity gain. When to fome Town our fcrolling Troops repair, Leave's to be granted by the worthy Mayor : He with his num'rous Train flrlt takes his Seat, Below his Scarlet Brethren fill the Pit. Then ev'n our Women muft jefs gay appear, "^ Leave painting off, left they fhou'd feem more Fair C Than the pale Daughter of the Revrend Mayor. 3 If we, in Acting, as our Part requires, Swear by the Gods, and all the heavenly Fires, The Sot pricks up a wond'rous Pair of Ears, My Zeal no longer fuch Profanenefs bears, Twelvepencc for ev'ry Oath your Hero fwears. Wit here, triumphant, bears an ample Sway, And the bright Metal mines without Allay} } N* 96 Miscellanies, Nothing is here condemn'd for being good, Nor talk we Nonfenfe to be underitood. But tho' your Learning the whole Ifle infpires, Your Townfrrlen warm not by the neighb'ring Fires ; Born in the happy Place, where Wit does rule, They keep their nat'ral Right of being Dull. So the rude Nations, where with greatell Light The reveal'd Truth was fir It expos'd to Sight, By no rewards, no miracles recb.im'd, Wou'd ev'n in Spite of Providence, be damn'd. Howe'cr our Courtiers do their Fate difpofe, Dullnefs the Charter is they'll never loie. A Cater. Dy Mr, 7". Broz'jn. I. LE T the Woman be damn'd, (a mod'rate F. 1 Or die an old Maid, as gray as a Cat, That her Lover refufes for Want of Eitate. . II. Let her that fets Man, li!:e a Beaft, to be fold, And above metal'd Flefh loves a Lump ofdeid Gold. Look green whenlhe's young, andbepoxM when file's Old III. But let thofe that are wife contemn the dull Snre ; Wives chofe by their Weight, will he weighty no more; If for Gold they will wed, for the fame they will whore. A Panegyrick upon Coll. George Walker. After the Manner of the Irifh. OU R Gracious King gave him five thouiand Pound ; And out of the Rebels Lands, when thev are found, He promifes him a thoufand Pounds by th' Year, Which, in inert Time, will unquestionably appear. Likewifc, he promifes him the Dean'ry of Londonderry, When that the Dean of Londonderry will die ; But if the Dean of Londonderry will not die, He promifes him the Bifhoprick of Londonderry. More MjSCKLLANIIS. 97 More of his valiant Deeds and Worth what need we then [to cry-ah, Since Walter George has made Amends for Walter Obediahf To Mr, D'Urfey, upon his incomparable Ballads^ calPd by him Lyrick Odes. THou Cur, half French half Englijh Breed, Thou Mongrel of Parnajfus, To think tall Lines, run up to Seed, Should ever tamely pafs us. Thou write Pindaricks, and be damn'd ! Write Epigrams for Cutlers \ None with thy Lyricks can be fhamm'd But Chamber Maids and Butlers.' III. In t'other World expect dry Blows ; No Tears can wafh thy Stains out; Horace will pluck thee by the Nofe, And Pindar beat thy Brains out. On Flozvers in a Lady's Bofom. BEhold the promis'd Land, where Pleafure flows f See how the Milk- White Hills do gently rife, And beat the filken Skies! Behold the Valley fpread with Flow'rs below ! Other Difcoveries, Fate t let me not fhare ; If I find out, may I inhabit there. The happy Flow'rs, how they allure my Senfe ! The fairer Soil gives 'em the noble Hew ; Her Breath perfumes 'em too : Rooted i'th' Heart, they feem to fpring from thence» Tell, tell me why, thou fruitful Virgin-Breaft, Why fhould fo good a Soil lie unpofTell ? Surely forhe Champion, in the Caufe of Love, Has languifh'd here more weary with the Sight, Than vanquifh'd quite, While the foft God took Pity from Above, Vol. IV. F And 9 8 Miscellanies. And thinking to reward his Service well, Bid him grow there, where he fo nobly fell. So when the longing Cy there a found The murder'd Boy, who long deceiv'd her F^es, Under a Flow'r Difguife, And pluck'd the curious p ofey from the Ground, Fair Cytherea's Bofom look'd like this ; So blufh'd Monis in the Seat of Blifs. Tbe London Vintners Anfwer to Mr, Brown. T F what thou aiTert, dear Thomas, be true, A It is to get rid of fuch Chap-men as you, That I, and my Brethren, have learned to brew. Whatever Ingredients we put in the Vat, Whether Dogs-Turd or Honey, no Matter for that ; For all our Defign's but to poifon a Rat. He that dies by bad Wine, and not by the Halter, Departs without Chime of Hopkins's Pfalter, And that you well know is no Matter of Laughter. To Mr. Henry Pur eel. LOng did dark Ignorance our Ifle o'er-fpread, Our Mufick and our Poetry lay dead ; But the dull Malice of a barbarous Age Fell moft fevere on David's facred Page ; To wound the Senfe, and quench his Heav'n-born Fire, Three vile Tranflators lewdly did confpire, In holy Dogg'rel, and low chiming Profe, The King and Roet they, at once, depofe. Vainly he did th r unrighteous Change bemoan, And languifli in vile Numbers, not his own. Nor ft opt his Ufage here: For what efcap'd in Wifdom's ancient Rhimes, Was murder'd o'er and o'er in the Compofers Chimes. What Praifes, Puree/, to thy Skillare due, Who haft to Judah's Monarch been fo true, By thee he moves our Hearts, by thee he reigns, *^ By thee makes off his old inglorious Cliains, £ And fees nevr Honours done to his immortal Strains. 3 Not Miscellanies. ^ t Not Italy, the Mother of each Art, Did e'er a jufter happier Son impart. In thy Performance we with Wonder find Core//i's Genius to Bajfani joyn'd. Svveetnefs, combin'd with Majefty, prepares To wing Devotion with infpiring Airs. Thus I, unknown, my Gratitude exprefs, And confcious Gratitude cou'd do no lefs. This Tribute, from each Britijh Mufe is due ; The whole Poetick Tribe's oblig'd to you. For where the Author's fcanty Words have fail'd ; Thy happier Graces, Puns//, have prevaiPd. And furely none but you, with equal Eafe, Cou'd add to David, and make D* Ur/y pleafe. On Dr. S H E R L O C K, REgibus obfequittm dim bints ob/igat unt/trt, Jurat utriq; unam prodit utrique fidem. i^uid minim ? Si fit femper jurare par at us , Cum per quos jurat tres habet i//e Deos, The fame Allegiance to two Kings he pays, Swears the fame Faith to both, and both betrays^ No Wonder if to fwear he's always free, That hath two Gods, to fwear by, more than we. Upon the taking of the new Oaths. OU R Fathers took Oaths as of old they took Wives, To have and to hold for the Term of their Lives; But we take our Oaths, as our Whores, for our Eafe, And a Whore and a Rogue may part when they pleafe. Tom Brozvn having committed fome great Fault at the Univerfity, the Dean of Chrijl-Cburch threatn'd to expel him ; but Tom, with a very fubmiflive Epiftle, begging Pardon, fo pleas'd the Dean, that he was minded to forgive him, upon this Condition, viz. Fa That N jo New Maxims of Converfation. That he fhould tranflate this Epigram out of Mar* //V;/ extempore. O N amo Te, Zabidi, nee pojfum dicer e quare ; Hoc tantum pojfum dicere, non a?no Te. Which he immediately render*d into Englifh thus, I do not love you Dr. Fell, But why I cannot tell ; But this I know full well, I do not love you, Dr. Fell. A penlive Thought at the Rofe Spunging-houfe in Wood Street, and left there by T. Brown. N LACONICS; O Nadverfa videns me frail um fata eoarclum, Career Corpus habet, mens coaperta volat. N I C S ; or, New Maxims ESTATE and CONVERSATION. •it^t E naturally love to cheat ; 'tis interwoven with * ^ our Conftitution : By the fame Token, we often boaft that we have palm'd falfe Dice upon others, when we ouk felves are the Bubbles. Do but hear, lays Sir John Squander, what a Trick I put upon a Whore laft Night ! 'Fore George, I made the filly Baggage take a Lewis d* Or for Seventeen and Six pence, after the Pro- clamation. A Soldier, a Vintner and a Phyfician, are the three Degrees of Comparifon ; and fo are a Cut-Throat, a Backbiter, and. a Flatterer: But the Phyfician is the fuperlative Murderer, and a Flatterer thefuperlative Villain. How is it poffible, fays Madam B ■ , for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpick'd, when every Rafcal has got a Key to't ? Aye, but Madam, the Raf- cal's Key fignifies not a Farthing, unlefs the Owner of the Cabinet, at lead, goes Halves with him. A Widow and a Government are ready, upon all Occafions," to tax the new Husband and the new Prince with the Merits of their PredecefTors, unlefs the former Huf- New Maxims of Conversation, ioi Husband was hang'd, and the former King Tent to Grafs ; and then they bid them take fair Warning by their Deftiny. For a King to engage his People in War, to carry off every little ill Humour of State, is like a PhyTician's ordering his Patient a Flux for every Pimple. Scandal is a never failing Vehicle for Dulnefs. The 'True-born Eng/ijbmun had died filently among the Gro- cers and Trunk-makers, if the Libeller had not help'd off the Poet. Merit is not always the Road to Preferment} fome Men get it by refolving not to be deny'd, as Irijhmen in Town pick up Women, by hunting them, as School- Boy do Squirrels, 'till they are weary, and fall down before them. A thoufand A&ions pafs in the World for virtuous, tho' they proceed from a quite different Principle. My Lord releafed Arfennus out of Goal, and paid his Debts. This every one applauded as an Acl of the higheft and molt d'iiuterefted Generofity. They little knew that my Lord, at the fame Time, lay uv'ry Night with Ar- Jennus\ Sifter. Tho* a Soldier, in Time of Peace, is like a Chimney in Summer, yet what wife Man would pluck down his Chimney, becaufe his Almanack tells him 'tis the Middle of June. War, as the World goes at prefent, is a Nurfery for the Gallows, as Hoxton is for the Meetings, and Bartbo+ lomezv-Fair for the two Play-Houfes . A Woman may learn one ufeful Doctrine from the Game of Backgammon, which is, not to take up her Man 'till fhe's fure of binding him. Had Mad mi C , and fome of our young Ladies, confider'd this, they would not have made inch a Blot in their Tables. 'Tis a Mortification to a Prince to fee an old Minifler torn from him, but Self-Prefervation is the firfl Law of Nature j and any Man, in his Senfcs, would fooner fub- mit to part with his Crutch, than his Leg. The furell Way of Governing, both in a private Fa- mily and a Kingdom, is for a Husb.md and a Prince fometimes to drop their Prerogative, F 3 Could 102 New Maxims of Converfation. Could a Women keep her Failings to herfelf, as well as fhe does her Age, Cbeapjide' would be the happieft Place in the World, and the Houfe would not be trou- bled every Seffions to grant bills of Divorce. 'Tis the moft nonfenfical Thing in the World, for a Man to be proud, fince 'tis in the meaneft Wretch's Power to mortify him. How uneafy have I feen my Lord All-Pride in the Park, when the Company turn'd their Eyes from him and his gaudy Equipage ! Gaming finds a Man a Cully, and leaves him a Knave. The Generality of Women would fooner be found in Bed with a Gallant, than in their Undrefs ; and fome Men in the World would rather be (ctn with their MiiTes in the Park, than their Wives. The greateft Men may, fometimes, over-moot them- felves ; but then their very miftakes are fo many Leflbns of Inftruclion. Examples make a greater Impreffion upon us than Precepts. The Sight of Sir Edward B *h, running af- ter a Coach for Six-pence, will fooner reclaim a Prodi- gal, than a Sermon. An old Counfellor in Holbourn us'd, every Execution- day, to turn out his Clerks, with this Complement, Go, ye young Rogues, go to School and improve. Of all our Infirmities Vanity is the deareft to us: A Man will flarve his other Vices to keep that aljve. How many Fops, at Man's CofFee-Houfe, and Will's have laid out the only Half Crown they had in the World upon an Ounce of Snuff, when they wanted a Dinner, and their Lodgings were unpaid ? Young Cotilus's Penfion, for his Weekly Expences, a- mounts juft to twenty Shillings. His Chair-Men run away with eighteen of it, and he finds Tea and Choco- late, EfTence and Powder, out of the reft. Vanity is fo infeparable from our Nature, that it furvives our Ames, and takes Care of Epitaphs and Tomb-ftones before we die. Clearchus was as brave as Hercules ; he had given Proofs of his Valour upon a thoufand Occafions, yet once upon a Time had a Difli of hoc Coffee flung in Jus Face, and bore it patiently. The New Maxims of Converfation. J 03 The Reafon was, he had a foul Shirt on, and Was lot* 1 to die in it. A Citizen that thinks to compound for forty Years Knavery, by building a lowzy Hofpital, and endowing a paultry Letture, does not offer fo much for a good Seat in Heaven as he would do for one in Middlefex. He does not bid above ten Years purchafe for Eternity. In Point of Interclt, if there were no more in't, a Man mould rather leflen himfelf, than pretend to too much. A famous Inftancc of this we had in a late Quack : Not content to be the feventh Son of a fe'venth. Son, he mull needs call himfclf the unborn Doctor. This was too much for the Multitude to fwallow, fo the Coxcomb ftarv'd between his two Titles. The Church of England generally preaches Alcalh, the Presbyterians Jcid's. Both may do well, according to the different Constitutions they meet; but the former feem to operate beft with the Men of Senie, and the latter with the Mob. There's nothing like bearing an Injury, or a Jelt, he- roically. The Town may da da dam me for a Poet, fays Cb&riftif, hut they ii h* ■ — fmg my Songs for all that. 'Tk in vain to regret a Misfortune, when *tis paft re- trieving ; but few have Philofophy or Strength enough to Practice it. A famous Phyfician ventur'd five thou- fand Guineas upon a Projeft in the South- Sea: When he was told, at Garrawafs, that 'twas all loft, Why fays he, 'Tis but going up five thoufand pair of Stairs more. This Anfwer deferv'd a Statue. We have different Notions of Providence; What one Man calls a Misfortune, another Man would call a Blef- ling. Bully Dawfon was over-turn'd in a Hack, not far from his Lodgings* This fav'd him Coach^hire, or, at leaft, the Trouble of bilking poor Jehu ; and 1 to his dying Day he look'd upon it as one of the greateft Mer- cies that ever befel him. A big-belly'el Woman would have mifcarry'd upon't. That which- difcompofes- one Man, and breaks his Jleft, makes another laugh. F 4 fiamm i 04 New Maxims of Cowverfation. Damon met Macer once in an extravagant Heat, rac- ing at the horrid Ingratitude of the Age, and what not. Never was any Man, fays the latter, {o bartwroufly and inhumanly us'd, as I have been. There's no Faith, nor Honefty, nor Morals, in the World. Why, what's the Matter? cries Damon. That eternal execrable Dog of a Printer, replies the other, has work'd off the laft Sheet of my Poems without fending me a Proof. A Change is not always for the beft. We have fome- times feen the Miniftry difcarded, and a new Set of Men brought in their Room, ten times worfe than their Pre- deceffbrs; like the Devil in the Gofpel, that left the pofTefs'd. Man's Body, and came afterwards feventy ftrong. Well, I muft get me a Floor of new Fellows, fays the Mafterofa Weftern Barge, otherwife, one Sheep-ftealing Rogue will fpoil all the reft. What is the Reafon that the Clergy- Men never forgive an Injury ? Why, 'tis becaufe they have better Memo- ries than the reft of the World, and never forget. All Parties blame Perfecution when they feel the Smart on't, and all Practife it when they have the Rod in their Hands. For all his pretended Meeknefs, Calvin made Roaft-Meat of Servetus at Geneva, for his Uncr- thodoxy.. When Moliere's 'far tuff was a£led in France, all the Church-Men complain'd of it. The Fejlin de Saint Pierre, tho' a lewd beaftly Piece, went down without the leail wry Face. At Co much an eafier Rate may a Man ex- pofe Religion, than Hypocrify. I very much Queftion, after all, whether Mr. C r would have condefcended to lafh the Vices of the Stage, if the Poets had not been guilty of the abominable Sin of making familiar, now and then, with the Bacldlidings of the CafTock. Hypocrify may chain up a Man, when he is among Brethren of the fame Gate, but Nature will certainly break our, whenever it finds an Opportunity. How many Caledonian Peers, that can fit out four long-winded Sermons at a Time, on the other fide the Tzveed, whore, and drink, and deny themjelves nothing in the Pall. MalK and New Maxims of Converfation. lo^ and St. J am^s} 'Tis a mighty Rerrefhment :o be- out of the {leach of Scandal. A Whore, in the Bufinefs of Love, is what Farthings are in the Bufinefs of Tnde j only us'd for the Conve- nience of ready Change. •Tis the molt unpardonable Affront in the World to tell a Woman that fhe's old. Mv Lord A , who was the greateft Courtier in his Time, usd to fay to his Lidy, every New-Years Day; Well, M d'm, how old will your Ladyfhip be pleai'd to be this Ye .r ? The Virtuofo's may talk as long as they pleafe, that the Seafons are inverted, and the Sun decay d; whitfo- ever becomes of our Fruits, our Women ripen much earlier than formerly. Madam S , Uft Year, brought her Daughter to St. Martin's to be marry 'd. Little Mifs look'd (o unfit for, Bufinefs, that the'- ParAn, innocently, ask'd her Mother, And what, have you brought this Child to be Baptiz'd ? A Mm would wijlingly have it in his Power to oblige the Fair Sex to the laft Moment of his Life. When Sir H '- was to be cut for the Stone, in the Sixty -feventh Year of his Age ; Well, but Doctor, fa ; s he, this Ope- ration won't make a Man impotent, will it ? C rvetoufnefs, like Jeabufy, when it has once taken Root, never leaves a Man, but with his Life. A rich, Bm';er, in Lombard-Street, finding himfelf very ill, fent fqr a Parfon to adminifter the laft Confolations of the ' Church to him. While the Ceremony was performing, old Gripezuell falls into a Fit : As foon as he was a little re - cover'd, the Doctor offer 'd the Chalice to him. No, no cries he, I can't-afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, upon my Word I can't now. When the High Prieft enter'd the Sanftuary, which was but once a Year, the Jews have a Tradition* that he begg'dof God not to hear the Prayers of Travellers, who, to have Fair Weather for. themfelves, don t care what becomes of the reft^of the World. . Had we any. fuch Cuftom amon^ us, it would not be amifs if our jircb-FIamen pray'd-to him, not to hear 'h-* d'ffe^nt Pe- titions of the feveral Serb among us,, tut, if heard, would not only ruin the reil of the A'orld,. butthem- ielv^s, J F 5 What ~k&& Mw Mtxim of Converjatiort. What SecTof Men could fet-up with fuch Disadvan- tage as the Quakers, when they are kick'd, and buffeted, and laugh'd at by every Body ? But their Darling Prin- ciple footh'd the Vanity of Men, and made them Judges of every Thing, Dans le Dernier rejfort. Of late they ftave lick'd their Cub into fome -Shipe, and are far from making a contemptible Figure. Who knows but it may be their Turn to be the Reigning Religion an hundred Years hence? A Gigantick Man, and a Book of a monftrous Size, generally fall fhort of what they feem to promife. An ordinary Soul can no more inform an over-hrge Body, th m an ordinary Genius can enliven a big Volume. 'Tis as if a Gentleman of 200 /. a Year mould affect to live in ilampton-Court, where the very Repairs would exceed the Income. Is not a Leaf of the Difpenfary worth a Cart- load of King Arthurs ? Not only Religion and Law, but even Gold and Sil- Yjsr, are faliify'd to procure Gold and Silver. If we muft have War with Trance, about Spain, the fooner the better, before Affairs are fettled, and while the Government is young. In King Charles the Second's Time, Jack Ogle, a very famous Perfon in his Genera- tion, had got a Clap : Doctor, fays he, to a Chirurge- on, what wi — wi — will this Bufinefs coft me ? Why, fome three Guineas, Sir. And wha — wha — what Rate does a Pox go at ? About fix, Sir. Well then, ho — ho— • hpneft Friend, cries he, I'll e'en let it run up to a Pox, and cure both under one. Pray Heaven there be no Jack Ogle among our prefent Politicians. How unnatural a Sight is it to fee a Parfon, with a florid Countenance and a double Chin, preach up Abiti- nence in Lent 1 So^me Clergymen in the Pulpit are fuch different Ani- mals, fjrom what they are elfewhere, that Mrs. K- , when me acts a virtuous Part upon the Stage, is not more different from Mrs. K with a Rummet in her Hand at , the Horje-Shoe. It. has. been. an old Remark, faid a Presbyterian Mini- ffer, in his Sermon, that Opinio is of the Feminine Gen- der, becaufe Women, for the moft Part, are pofitive and opini- New Maxims of Conwrftitktu 107 opiniated : Whereas, Judicium is of the Neuter, Uecaufe in all critical Exigencies, Men of Judgment chufe to be Neuters. The Grammatical Obfervationsare not worth a Farthing, but a wholefome Mythology's couch'd under it, which the Venetians, at pre lent,, practice. A- fpeculative Religion is only calculated for. a few Phi- lofophcrs, and not the grofs Vulgar. Tis too thin a Diet for courfe Appetites, as we find Soops and Sallads are for common Englijb Stomachs. For this Reaibn the popilh Priefts amufe them with Pictures, Shows, and' Images; the Presbyterian Parfons with apifh Geftures, fantailic Expreffions, and fordid Similies, that are full as grofs as Images.: The Church of E?iglnnd goes the middle Way to work, and gives them half in Surplices and Organs, and t'other half in good Senfe and Reaibn. Tho'a Clergy-man preach'd like an Angel, yet he ought to conlider, that two Hour-glafFes of Divinity are too much at once for the moft patient Conftitution. In the Late civil Wars, Stephen Marjhal fplit his Text into twenty- four Parts. Upon this, one of the Congregation imme- diately runs out of Church. Why, what's the Matter, lays a Neighbour ? Only going for my Night- Gown and Slippers, for I find we mull take up Quarters here to. Night. A long Reach and as little Confcience are neceflary Qualifications to a Minirter of State, as a long Hand and little Fingers are to a Man-Midwife. A Wit and a Beau fet up with little or no Expence. A>. Pair of red Stockings, and a Sword knot, fets up one; and peeping on once a Day in at Will's, and two or three fe- cond-hand Sayings, the other. Every Man thinks fo well of himfelf or fo ill of his Neighbour, that he would not change with hmi in every Refpecl, though he would in fome. Thcufands perhaps m \y wifh they had Mrs. Abel's Voice, or Sir Cbarles~-'s Eftate, yet there's fcarce a Man in the Kingdom, I be- lieve, would change for good and all; that is to fay, would have Mrs. Abel's good Manners, and Sir, Charles's Gratitude. 'Tis wifely done, as a Gentleman obferv*d, of a Chi* jtirgeon, to live next Door to a Bawdy-houfe; of a Short- hand - 108 New Maxims of Converfatlon. hand Teacher, to a Meeting-houfe j and one that has a : good Hand at Pimping, to place himfelf near the Court ; for then they my expecl Bufmefs. A Man of Merit may be allow 'd to infinuate in Mode- fty. Prince Maurice being ask'd who was the greateft G e- • neral of the Age, handfomly anfwer'd , the Marquis of Spinola is the fecond. Well, this Thing call'd Profperity makes a Man flrange- ly infolent and forgetful. How contemptibly a Cutler . Jooks at a poor Grinder of Knives, a Phyfician in his Coach at a Farrier a Foot, and a well-grown Paul's Church-Yard Bookfeller upon one of the Trade that fells fecond-hand Books under the Trees in Moorfields. , 'Tis hard that a Man mould go out of the World al- moft as weak a Wretch as he came into it. Seties bis Pueri, Old Men are twice Children, fays the Proverb. There is an old Drawer at the Baptifl's Head in Chancery- Lane* that drew Vinegar when the Scots came into Bug- /zW with their Bagpipes and Covenant, in the Year 1 640. Soon after, he was preferr'd a Story higher, I mean to dr w Wine, in which Station he continu'd about forty Years ; and fince the late Revolution, he is a Vinegar- drawer a gain. *Tis a very hard Cafe, if a Man can't find fome Ex- cufe for his Frailty, let it be what it will. About (even Years ago, when there were fuch Complaints of the ill Summers, and Mr Flamjieed talk'd, that there were Ma- tula in the Sun, I knew a Gentleman that us'd to get up about the Du sk of the Even'ng, and went to Bed by Break of Day, and this was the conftant Ccurfe of Life he led. His Uncle ask d him, what the Plague made him fuch a Sot ? Oh, fays he, the Royal Society fay the Sun is lick, and for my P«rt I hate to fee fick Folks. A Man does no t attain to the Top of Preferment in an Jnftant. In one Houfe a young Member generally is initiated by moving for the bringing in of Candles, and in another by muffing them. Affiduity is one of rh^ beft Qualities in a Courtier, to recommend him to his Mailer As °r:nce Mauri re was once at Dinner, in came a hupe Maftiif, and took Sanctu- ary under the Table. The Pages beat him out of the ^ ~ Room, New Maxims of Converfationl 109 Room, and kick'd him, but for all that, Mtnfieur Chien came punctually at the Tame Hour next Day, and fo con- tinu'd his Vifits, though they dill continu'd the fame Treatment to him. At laft the Prince order'd them to beat him no more, and made much of him. From that Time the Maftiff commene'd a perfect Courtier, follow'd the Prince where-ever he went, lay ::11 Night at his Cham- ber-door, ran by his Coach-fide as duly as one of his Lacqueys ; in fhort, fo infmuated himfelf into his Ma- tter's Favour, that when he dy'd he fettl'd a Peniion up- on him for Life. If your Friend is in Want, don't carry him to the Ta- vern, where you treat your felf as well as urn, and en- tail a Thirft and Head-ach upon him next Morning. To treat a poor Wretch with a Bottle of Burgundy, or fill his SnufF-Box, is like giving a Pair of Lace-Ruffles to a Man that has never a Shirt on his Back. Pat fomething into his Pocket. When a Man has contracted a Habit, 'tis a hard matter to leave it off. A Fell :>w of a Hou'c had got fuch a Trick of talking Latin, th t he could not forbear it even to die Scullion Boys and Bed makers. One Afternoon, fee- ing one of the Turn-fpit Dogs bask himfelf deliciouijy . in the Sun, he thus accofted him, Non Jludes, ignave* non Jiudes, fed tot o die otiofus es, cif ojiendis ingetites tuos Tejiiculos ad Solent. What is Sawce for a Goofe, is Sawce for a Gander. When any Calamities befel the Roman Empire, the Pa^ gans us'd to lay it to the Charge of the Christians : When Chriflianity became the imperial Religion, the Chriftians return'd the fame Complement to the Pagans,. That w T hich pafTes for current Doctrine at one Jun- cture, and in one Climate, won't do fo in another. The Cavalier3 , in the Beginning of the Troubles, us'd to- trump up the 1 2th of the Romans upon the Parliament ; the Parliament trump'd it upon the Army, when they would not disband ; the Army back again upon the Par- liament, when they difputed their Orders. Never was poor Chapter fo unmercifully tofs'd to and fro again \ The r i o New Maxims of Cdnverfation* The Jefuits here in Europe, in their Difputes with the Proteftants, have Recourfe to Miracles, as a Proof of the true Church. In JEthiopia, where the Abyjjines over- number'd them in Miracles, they very fairly deny'd the Argument, and reaibn'd againlt. them as we do. The Quakers herein England 'won't take up Arms, no, not they, becaufcall War is unlawful. When the French attack'd them in Per.filvania, the Cafe was alter'd ; the ' Drums beat, the Guns fir'd, and carnal Weapons were not thought finful. An Englifo Bull -dog, and a Scoth Presbyterian, are of a different Species from all the Bull-dogs and Presbyteri- ans in the World. Not to flatter our felves, we Englijh are none of the moft conftant and eafy People in the World. When the late War pinch'd us, O'i! when fhall we have a Peace and Trade again ? We had no fooner a Peace, but, Huz- za, Boys ! for a new War ; and that we fhall foon be fic'< of. It may be no Scandal for us to imitate one good Qua- lity of a neighbouring Nation, who are like the Turf they burn, flow in kindling, but, when once thoroughly lighted, keep their Fire. Wh:.t a fine Thing it is to be well-manner'd upon Oc- cafion ! In the Reign of King Charles the Second, a cer* tain worthy Divine at Whitehall, thus addrcl'sM himfelf fo the Auditory at the Conclusion of his Sermon : In ftorr, if you don't live up to the Precepts of the Gofpel, but abandon your felves to your irregular Appetites, you mufl expect to receive your Reward in a certain Place, which 'tis not good Manners to mention here. We can t properly call that Man unhappy, who knows nothing of his Misfortunes. Lifander's Wife is the moft infatiable Strumpet that ever liv'd, yet Lifander jogs on menily, fnores contentedly, and believes her honeft. T'other Day he made a Vifit to Chuerephon, whofe Wife denies her felf no innocent Freedoms, but is as chaft as a VefiaL Lord ! cries Lifander to himfelf, What an un» lucky Wretch is poor Cfoterefbow, to have fuch a Vipef in his Bofom I Con- New Maxims of Gnverfatiott. in Confcience is a Riddle I don't know whit to make of; tis fometimes Pride, 'tis fometimes Obftinacy, tis fome~ times Intereft, 'tis fometimes Nothing; like a skittiflv Jade, it will iforrie at a Wind-mill, and fland Buff to a Cannon ; it will keck at Pap, and digeft Steel. Mmilia would not let her Husband take the Oaths to- the Government, and yet never fcruples to try a Fall with the next Comer for Half a Crown. Her piou$- Husband too, tho' he won't (wear, will fooner get drunlc upon Tick, than go fober to Bed. In the Time of the lail War, a French Woman kept a little Bawdy-houfe in Ghent. To ingratiate with the Ertglijh Officers, her conftant Complement was, Ayez pitie t McJJleurSi dfune pauvre Refugee, qui eft venue four- la Religion. Notwithstanding her Religion, fhe had Harlots always at their Service: Since this Revolution, a worthy Church-man, that for fcveral Reafons mull.be n^melefs, thank'd God that the Majority of the Clergy-men had taken the Oaths, arid that others again Lad refus'd them ; for, fays he, by taking them, we have fecur'd our poor Church, which othcrwife had been in Danger of falling, as our Sifter of Scotland has done ; and by fome of us refufing them,, and facrificing all we had to them, we have mown the Nation there's fuch a Thing as Confcience ftill among us. And yet this Reverend Parfon chofe rather to iave the Church, than mow his Confcience. Melijja looks as demure as a Nun, goes twice a D:vr to Church, abhors the Vlay-houfe and Players, has al- ways the Catalogue of the Lent-Preachers by Heart, rails, at Patches and Commodes, and yet is a Fury incarnate in a Corner. I went to pay Melijja a Sum, fays a Gen- tleman, laft Night, and fhe was fo fond of my Money, that I thought, in my Confcience, me would have run away with the Purfe. Women tax their Gallants of Inconstancy without Reafon. Their Humours* their Faces, their Charms, daily change; what makes them then complain ? For a Woman to think to fecure her Lover, when her Beauty, that made him fo, is gone, is to expeit as great a Miracle as Tranfubftamiation wrought in her Fa- 1 1 2 New Maximi ofConverfaiwu Favour, where the Accidents are faid to remain, when the Subftance, that fupported them, is, vanifh'd. But this is no Age for Miracles. What unaccountable Creatures are Women! They treat their. Humble Servants like Slaves, when they fee them; they nil at them, they defpife them, they'll hardly vouchfafe them a Look, yet are uneafy in their Abfencc. A iVnnifter, by ill advifing his Prince, and putting him upon wrong Methods, h;s often had the Honour to fee a flourifhing country reduc d to Beggary. A Gen- tleman was railing, as fill as his Lungs would give him Leave, at Cardinal Ricllieu : Don't talk fo loud, fays his Friend to him, leit fome of his Creatures there fhould over-hear you, meaning a Parcel of Beggars that flood by them. Some. Authors are fo long a correcting and mending their Works, that, like Paul^ they may be faid to be old before they are finifh'd To acquaint a M^n with his being a Cuckold, and to preach the 30th of Janu ry Sermon before the Houfe, are two ticklifh Points that one wou'd willingly avoid. 'Tis merry to coniider what Sort of Reafons fome Men give for what they do. A Diilenting Parfon was preaching a Funeral Sermon in Moorfields> he laid about him fo powerfully, that all the Congregation wept, ex- cept one Fellow, who feem'd not a Jot concern'd. Be- in£ ask'd the Reafon why he' did not weep ? w ha^t have I done to weep ? fays he ; I am not of this Parifh. A good Outfide the bed Sir Charles Cotterelm a itrange Place. . Servants are carele s and impudent,, and their Maflers,. generally fpeaking, may thank themfelves for't. A worthy Knight near Twickenham, had fome Gentlemen at Dinner with him ; he callsfora Bottle of Ale, his Boy ©pens it juft under his Nofe, by the fame Token it flew all upon his Face, Cravat, and Perriwig. The Knight, not at all difturb'd, r-nd wiping himfelf, Well, fays he, this is the wittieft Boy in the World ; I warrant you, he ierves me a hundred fuch witty Tricks in a Year. Here, Sirrah, kysTmOtway to him, who.chanc'd to be then in New Maxims ofConverfation. 1 1 3 in the Company, here's a Shilling for you to encourage you in your Wit. How gl.id a Man is when he hears another accus'd of a Fault, which does not reach him ! Some People were talking againfl Pluralift?, and whit a horrid Scandal and Shame they brought upon the Church. Heav'n be prais'd, fays a certain Prelate, no body can tax me with Pluralities: I hive but one Benefice, God knows. IF the Church had a Mind to make any thing pals for a Sin, 'tis an eafy Matter to lug and ftretch a Text 'till it fits the Purpofe. A Parfon would needs prove Dancing to be fmful, and thus he brought it about. Imprimis, Dancing is a circular Motion, deny it who can. In the next Place, 'tis as plain as a Pike-ftaff, that a circular Motion is Diabolical; for doth not the Text cxprefsly fay of the Devil, Circuit terram qutrens quern devcret ? The late Ordinary of Newgate, Mr. Smith, who was one of the mofl famous Scruple-drawers of his Time, had one impenitent Clipper once to deal with. Why, fays the Fellow, what H>rm have I done ? A Parcel of over-grown Shillings fell into my Hands, and I only par'd off their Superfluities. They would have bought but Twelve-penn'cth of Beef and Turnips at firft, and they'll buy Twelve-penn'oth of Beef and Turnips ft ill. Ay, but hark you, my Friend, crys the Ordinary, What is it to clip a Thing, out to pare it round ? And what is paring Round call'd in Scripture, but . Circumcifion I And who, under the Evangelical Difpenfation, dares practice Circumcifion, but one thit has actually re- noune'd the Chriftian Religion, and is a Jew, a moft obftinate perverfej^win his Heart ? Upon this, the poor Clipper threw himfelf at his Feet, own'd the Heine u£ nefs of his Sin, confefs'd that Sabbath breaking had trought h'm to't, and wept like a Church-Spout. A jolly red-fae'd Preacher, at the upper-end of Thames- Street, had a great Mind to prove a Handing Army to be Jure Divino ; and how did he make it out ? Why, as plain as you d wifh : God Almighty, fays he, keeps a flanding Army of Cherubims and Seraphims, to prevent the Incurlions, and DepredAtions of the Tevil : And what U4 New Maxims of Conversation. what are Kings, but his Vicegerents ? The Man mcmt all well, that's certain, and the Fraternity at Young. Man's are bound in Honour to prefent him with a Silver Bottle-fcrew and a Tobacco-box. A Divine ought to calculate his Sermon, as an Aftro- loger does his Almanack, to the Meridian of the Place and People where he lives. What Stuff is it to preach againft Ufury at White-hall, and Fornication in Lombard- Street ? No, invert the Tables ; preach againft Ufury in Lombard-Street, and For-ui ration at White-hall. On Sunday Morning a Shower of Rain drove a Gen- tleman of my Acquaintance into the College Chappel at Chelfea. The Minifter, as he told me, was very furi- ouily inveighing againft Covetoufnefs before a Parcel of Fellows that were in no great Danger of being infected with that Sin, or overfeeing a greater Sum than Half a; Crown. He ought to have preach'd againft Swearing, Pilfering, rubbing out of Ale-houie> Scores, and building of Sconces. Ingratitude, Perfidy, Oppreffion, Bribery, and the like, may be preach'd againft in every Church between. Berwick and St. Michael's Mount. St. Epipbanius, St. TheopbilacJ, St. Gregory of Nazian- zen, the Concilium flLberitamum, and St. Auftin de Ci~ vitate Dei, rumble well in a Country Church, and make the Parfon admir'd by his Flock ; but is not oxvt good Ar- gument more convincing than a thoufand Citations out of St. Gregory? To quote St. Ambrofe, or St. Jerome, or any other Red- Ietter'd Father, to prove any fuch important Truth as this, That Virtue is commendable, and all Excefs to be avoided ; is like fending for the Sheriff to come with the PoJJk Comitates to difperfe a few Boys at Foot-Ball, when it may be done without him. Some Divines make the fame Ufe of Fathers and Councils,, as ourBeaus do of their Canes, not for Support or Defence* but meer Ornament and Show ; and cover themselves with fine Cobweb-Diftinclions, as Homer's Gods did with a Cloud. Tho' Ignorance is none of the beft Qualifications, for one that fets up for Director of others, yet 'tis better we mould New Maxims of Converfation. 1 1 § /hould have a few ignorant Parfons, than our Parities have none to look after them. My Lord D ask'd a certain Biiliop in the late Reign, why he confer'd Orders upon fo many Blockheads ? Oh ! my Lord, fays he, 'tis better the Ground mould be ploughed by AfTcs, than lie untill'd. -All Churches, let them pretend what they will, afpire at Power. The Huguenots in France, after the Affembly of Roche!, in the Year 1623. gave Commiffions to their Officers to raife Horfe and Foot in Nomine Ecclef.arum. The Presbyterian Divines have been obferv'd of late, to preach after the Manner of the Church of England- Men. Without fetting up for a Prophet, I dare venture to affirm, that this will be their Ruin. 'Twas the me- lodious Twang of the Nofe, the dufting of the Cufhion, the black Cap tipt with White, the zealous Tofs of the Handkerchief, in fhort, the Fire, the Vehemence, the Impetuofity of tneir Aftion, that gave them all their Authority with the People ; which they'll foon lofe, if once they quit Show and Grimace for good Reafon and Senfe. People then will go to their Parifh- Churches. Singularity of Expreffion, Habit, and the like, keep up a Seel: that would otherwife fall. This, for ought I know, has been the chief Prefervation ofjudaifm. When ever the Quakers part with their broad-brimm'd Hats, little Cravats, and Coats without Pockets before, the Author of The Snake in the Grafs may e'en leave oiF writing againft them, for their Farthing Candle, calTd. the private Spirit, will go out of it Mf. People may talk what they will of the Liberty of Am- Jlerdam, but 'tis no where in fuch Perfection, fay I, as in Lonion. A Man in Aniftefdam is fuffer'd to have but one Religion, whereas in London, he may have two Strings to his Bow. A Man that fplits himfelf between two Churches, is true to neither, but to his own Intereft. There muft be fomething more than ordinary; in the Wind, when a fplay-mouth'd Linfey-woolley Sir Hum- phrey, to qualify himfelf for a Gold Chain and Scarlet Gown, can fwallow (o rank a Pill as Superftition, and {ubmit to the Popery of St. Paul's. Some- 1 1 6 New Maxims of Comerfation* Sometimes the Church of England and Presbytery mail be one, fometimes as different ns Light and Darknefs, juit as the prefent Juncture of Affairs will have it. The Minillers of both Churches, thu cm admit fuch amphibious Animals by Turns to their Communion, have fome invilible Loop-holes to creep out at, which no-body elfe can fee. For Shame, charge the Jefuits no more with Equivocation! A Man that keeps fteady to one Party, tho' he happen to be in the Wrong, is Hill an honeft Mm. He that goes to a Cathedral in a Morning, and Sld, oiw Cooper got an Eftate by a Cargo of old Wine Casks, to flirniih them with Pulpits. The dying Embers of Schifrn and Herefy being blown up by this Declaration, it burifc out in every Corner : Here llarted up Pre dyteri arts, there M'iggletonians ; one making God damn all but themfelves, and the other faying him the Labour, and doing it them- felves. Here pirk'd up Anahaptljls, there your formidi- ble Tifth~Monarchy-Men, who were for beginning the Kingdom of King J ejus from that of King James, and G 5 putting*/ i go Mr. Alfop'j State of Conformity. putting an End to Antichrift, by (hiking in with the Pope.. Infhorf, Antinomians, Socinians, Ranters, Can- ters, Brownijls, Quakers, and a thoufand namelefs and : fen r e!efs Ring- Leaders of Roguery and Herefy, open'd each his Shop c€ Licenle, which he called the Power of the World; and, like Quacks, that pretend lying Won- ders in their Bills, in fuch a Plenty of Fools and Knaves as this Country abounds with, fcarce a gifted Cobler, but found Contribution of much more comfortable Impor- tance, than his abdicated Lafband Awl; fo much more gainful it was to ftich Souls than Sbals. The Bugbear Popery, that at a diftance ufed to raife the Cries of the whole deep-mouth'd' Pack, when now it was prefent, found them the moll com pjai&nt. Crea- tures in the World. They were grown fo familiar, that in the fame, Coffee-Houfe you might fee a Jefuit and. a Hglder-forth join with amicable Spite in running down the Church of England. Well, they gave themfelves violent Airs of religious Moderation, Loyalty, and Confcience, and a thouland Things elfe, of which they formerly abhorr'dthe very Name more than a Mifer Reftitution , a Lawyer the End of a Chancery-Suit, a Sexton a healthy. Summer, or an Apothecary the Difpenfary. 'Twas pleafant to hear the PapiiTs preach againft Perfection, and the Fanaticks fcr. Paftive Obedience and Submiffio.n to the Royal Dec la* ration.. The Exclufion-Men -extol SucceiTion, and deify that very Prince on. the .Throne, when, a known Papift, as the Rejiorer of God to his Empire over Conscience, whom they drove fo much to deprive of it, when he was but thought (o : To he:.r them add.refs with Lives and For- tunes for the Royal Family,, who had beheaded one King, and endewcur'd the fame to a fecond ; and zvijh, that they bad Cafen&nts in their Brcafs for his Majejly to fee the Sincerity of their Hetrts , when their After- Conduct fhew'd what coniirm'jd Hypocrites they were ; but they ccnfider'd fir&, that it was but a Wifh, and next, that they fpoke to a Man of abundance of Credulity. But net to dvs ell longer on this Preamble, you mull know, that Oxfrd it felf was not free from the Vifitati- on; fax-Alfop, one of the chief Demigogues of th« Sehifm, , Mr. Alfop'; State of Conformity. 131 Schifm, was there, and, like another Gentleman in Black, fought whom he might devour. Among the rell, he at- tacks the Tabernacle of a young Gentleman of my Ac- quaintance with more than Jefuitical Impudence and Ccm- plaifance, and often beat about the Bum, to flart a Con- vert in him. One of their Conferences he related to me in the following Manner. Mr. Alfop and my felf being met, and fallen on our ufual Difpute ; I am furpriz'd, faidl, to find thofe, who ufed always to rail more at the very Fantom of POPERK which they imagin'd to be in the Church of England, than Porters at the Penny Poll, mould be fo fond of Po- pery in its own proper Perfon. That thofe very People, who had brought one King to the Block, under Pretence of his invading Property and the Laws of the Land, fhould fo zealoufly addrefs another for doing the Thing in Reality. Like a certain Puritan Akhrman, that rail'd at the Levvdnefs of the Play-houfe in a Brothel. For what is this Declaration, but cutting off all Laws, Root and Branch,- and -rcfolving all Property into the King's Will, while you allow him the Power of fufpending or difpen- fmg with A els of Parliament ? For if he has Power to difpenfe with one, he has with all : So that you might as juftly have feiz'd your Neighbours Eitate, ihould the r King have difpens'd with that Law that fecur'd it, as • enjoy 'd his Difpenfing with the Act of Conformity. I have heard you, reply 'd Mr,. Alfop, with .as much Patience as a Court of Delegates a Bawdy Caufe » but let* me tell you, young Gentleman, you're a little too hot in this Affair. Moderation would give you another View ; and, with Submiffion, I will give.it you in a furer Light. Suppofe then here an honeft well-meaning Man, that travelling in the Dark, falls into a Pond ; he finds he muft either be drown, or get out of the Water, by clambering up. i the Side of a fine inclos'd Garden : Do you think the Owner of it could reafonably plead Damages, or fue the drowning Man for a Trefpais ? Thus it is with us j our Caufe mull fink, or we mud take Hold of this Opportu- nity to efcape with our Lives. Pray which is moll rea- dable for us to confider, our Deliverance from hally De- 132 Mr. Alfop'i State of Conformity.' E effraction, or the Fences of your fine Garden ? Oh ! but why would we clofe with the Papifts, for this Ad- v.mtjge? A drowning Man would not refufe to catch Hold of a Cord, though thrown out by an Enemy; and fmce you, who pretend to be our Friends, ufe us like E- nemies, certainly we fhould be look'd on as Fools in Grain, to rejec"l an Eafe, though offer 'd by thofe you call our Enemies. Alas ! Sir, faid I, you have fet the Matter in a very wrong Light ; for this Fellow you mention, was fo far from an honefl well-meaning Man, or his Fall into the Pcnd accidental, and in the Dark, that he jump'd in purely out of Spite, and that in the full Force and Light c f the Mid-day Sun, only becaufe he had no other Way of deftroying the Fences of the fine Garden you fpeak of, as you may know by the whole Story. On the- Borders of the famous Tweed, there liv'd a Gentleman of a very large Eftate, and a larger Mind ; he was not for racking his Tenants, but allow'd them the full Enjoy- ment of a certain Manour, on Condition that they mould manage it well, and pay him a Pepper- Corn a Year Quit- Hehtj nor could he fuppofe thofe hard Conditions, when-, they were to reap the Benefit and Fruit of their Labour. But :n Procefs of Time, this gocd Landlord had Occa- sion to go a Journey into a far Country, and fo calls all his Tenants together, and tells them, he*s leaving them for a little while ; but advifes them, as they tender his Love, to mind their Plantations, keep up the Fences,, watch lor one another with a mutual Help and Love j for they were near fcurvy Neighbours, who would con- tinually be endeavouring to ruin them, either by Fraud or open Force, by carrying Stories, fowing Diffention, and pcrfwading them, that either this Care of your Ground- is fuperfiuous, or that you take not Care enough of it, or the like ; but do you mind what I fay, and when I return, I will bring an ample Reward for thofe who have- obferv'd thofe Directions. This being frld, and all Tilings prepar'd, the Landlord goes his Journey. Their pilfering Neighbours underftanding he was gone, whofe Wifdcm and Power they flood in Awe of, make many a Trip over the Tweed, now and then catch a ftraggling Cock. Mr. Alfop'; State of Conformity. 133 Cock or Hen ; but often, by the mutual Vigilance of the Tenants, they went Home by Wceping-Crofs , with broken Heads and bruis'd Sides. At lait, the wily Kerns finding it in vain to attempt on their Hen-roofts and Hedges by open Force, while they were thus united, contrive to fet them together by the Ears. Firft they di- vided their Bands, and infinuated themfelves into the Fa* milies of the poor good-natur'd Tenants ; then they car- ried Pick-thank Stories frofji one to another ; and being naturally cunning and mifchievous, they began to per- fwade fome one Way, and forjie another, in the Obfer- vation of the Landlord's Command?, *tiH, in fhort, they had fet the whole Manour together by the E.ir3» Then, inilead of Brother and Neighbour, Son of a Whore and Hang-dog was the beft Words they could give one another ; but yet they pretty well minded the main Concern, and the Poultry was not fo come-at-a- ble as their Neighbours denr'd. To compleat their Roguery, therefore, they found one among the reft who had the hrgeft Farm, and perfwaded him, that the Land- lord had left him Steward, and that all the reft ought to be guided by him, and pay him the Pepper- Corn Quit- Rent, and in fhort, all that was due to their real Land- lord ; and though the Impudence exceeded all but a Scots, yet I know not how, by the fubtile Iniinuations of the Black- Guard that broach'd it, in Time he redue'd the whole Manour under his Jurifdiclion ; but, to their Coil: they found the Difference betwixt their old Mailer and their new. In fhort, all Things went to Wreck, that is, they were all wreck 'd fo by their Steward, and his ragged Regiment, that at hft fome, more ftout than the reft, began to enquire into his Authority, and, with equal Refolution, exerted their Liberty. The Itch and Scots were driven out of their Farms, and they let themfelves to reduce Things into the former Order. Among thefe, there were two more exacl, and came to a jufter Regulation of this than all the reft, and enjoy 'da while the Sweets of it. But o'th' Hidden- one of them takes a Freak to pull down all the Fences, and lay all their Ground in common ; the other admonifh'd him often, and mended them up again. At laft> it came to a Breach 5 ?34 Mr. Alfop'/ Slate of Conformity. Breach ; for Jack f.nd, It was contrary to the Landlord's Will, that there mould be Enclofures, but all fhould be common and confus'd. . Harry he was for keeping it in the fame Order he liad always had it, and after feveral Tryals, in vain, to mollify his Neighbour's Obftinacy, he fet himfelf to dig an handfome Trench about his Farm, to keep obftreperous Jack out. But Jack, vex'd to the Heart at this, coming drunk Home one Night, and as full of Malice as Liquor, ( for he would. take a chearup- ping Cup off in a Corner ) the Moon fhew'd' him an a- greeable Profpect of his Neighbour's Enclofure on one Hand, and the very Dunghil his own was grown, on the other? what does he me, but leaps into the Mote, and fcrambles up the Bank, demolifhes the Dam, and lets the Water into the lower Grounds. But Jack was too top heavy to efcape undrfcover'd : Harry fues him for a Tref- pafs. Jack fwears it was Accident, that falling into the Mote, he endeavour'd to fave his Life, and this enfu'd. But the Judge finding this was owing to Jack's Malice yaore than Danger, gave Harry Damages. The Scots, who were always fculking about, having found out this Feud betwixt thefe two Neighbours,- inform the reft of the Manner of it, who were all mortal Enemies to Jack and Harry, who at laft enter into a compact with Jack, every one to join together, and fill up the Mote that Har- ry had made to fecure his Enclofure. No fooner faid but done. Had not Harry juft Caufe of Complaint a- gainft Jack, for ftriking in with both their Enemies, merely to deftroy his Enclofure ? This is the Truth of the Story, and you have been told it only by Halves. I need not make the Application, the Pope, the Devil, and the Fanaticks, will appear through the Difguife of the Fable. But Sir, faid Mr; Alfop, your Fable does not reach the Cafe. You make Jack an obftinate Fellow, and - a mifchievous Invader of his Neighbour Harry's En- clofures ; whereas the Diffenters are Men of tender Con- ferences. Hold, interrupted I ; methinks that's an odd Plea; for what has a Di£enter to do with Confcience at all, .while he holds Predeftination ? I think of frugal'. Men, they arelhe, moft prodigal alive, tQ throw away Mr AlfopV State of Conformity. 1 3$ fo many Thoufands a Year among you Gentlemen Holder-forthsy when by their fundamental Doctrine they don't know but 'tis a Limb of the Devil that's preach' ing to them in God's Name. Well, well, faid'Mr. Alfo'p, we had no other Way of keeping up our Party, but by accepting the Be- nefit of this Declaration. People daily and daily moul- der'd away ; their Purfes touch'd them more than their Zeal, and they lov'd Eafe and three Meals a Day better than Newgate or any other Goal in all his Ma- jefty's Dominions. So that if we caught Hold of this Opportunity of retrieving ourfelves, and make the belt Ufe of it, you may thank yourfelVes for it, who would open no Door to let us into your Communion; but one fo very fmall , that we could not thruft our Heads into it, much lefs draw in our Bodies. You - are a little apt, reply'd I, to affert very odd Pofitions ; • for we have often invited you to return to your Mo- ther, and fhe with open Arms expected to embrace you : Your Scruples were anfwer'd to the niceft Point, and Compliances ofFer'd, if you can but agree where you would flop, and- what would content you.. That you fhall be judge of, faid he, by a Story I'm going to tell you. There was a Gentleman - (fays he) of ancient and ' honourable Extraction, one Colonel Stiff-rump, that made Love to a grave and vertuous Lady in our Neigh- bourhood, of whofe Character I ' will tell you more a- non ; but in the mean Time, I muft be more par- ticular about my Colonel. As for his Age and Per- fon, there was no Exception to be made to them; but his Temper was fomething imperious and fierce, eafy enough to thofe who would fubmit to him, but impatient of being contradicted.- Some thought him too affected and formal in his Carriage; and what was the worft, he was not content to practife thefe Formalities himfelf, but would oblige others to do the fimej however, in the main, his good Qualities over- weighed his bad.' So much' for the Colonel. And now, to give you a fhort Account of the Lady, whofe Name was Gcod-hve ; Her, Fortune was very confide- rablej ij6 Mr. Alfop'j State of Conformity. rable, which drew abundmce of Suitors upon her; yet flic rejected them all : She did not delight in gaudy- Liveries, and what the World calls a magnificent E- quipage; but every Thing about her was plain, and (hew a a well-temper'd Frugality: And as (he had not been bred up in Mufick and Dancing, (he feldom ap- pear'd at any publick Aflemhlies, but kept for the mod Part at Home, and viiited none but her Rehtions. This may iuftice to let you fee what the JL.dy's Dif- pofition war. 'Tis now high Time to proceed to my Story : The Colonel, finding it for his Advantage to make an Alliance with her, if pofiible, very fairly courted her; and, to do the Lady Juftice, (he receiv'd him with more Refpefl, and heard his Addrcfs with more Complaifance, than (he had done any of his PredecefTors. In fhort, Matters went on the Colonel's Side as favourably as a Man could wifh ; when coming one Morning into her Parlour, Well, Madam, and what Demonfiration do you require I ficutd give you of my ■ Afeclion ? Tell me : I am ready to execute it this very Moment, Colonel, (fays (he) / require none, I al- ways took you for a Per/on of Honour. Come, come, (replies he) that foan't ferve your Turn; I have told you an hundred Times I love you, and yet 1 find you con- tinue fill an Infidel* and won't believe me ; therefore I am rejolvd to give you fome extraordinary Proof of my Pajfion, fuch as no Lover gave his Mifirefs before me. Now, Madam, if you* d have ?ne trot it to the Eaft-In- Colonel, (replies f] c) / expeft no Impojfibilities from you; but fince you have made Jo free with me upon this Point, I will put you to the Tyal; but you /ball 'find me very eafy in my Propojal. Hjioiu then, I have only 6X£ Mr. Alfop'j State of Conformity. 137 one Thing to ask of you, the doing of which tan "neither call your Life nor Honour in Danger-, and which if yon comply with, I promifie to be yours, and only yours And pray, Madam, what may that be ? (cries the Co- lonel, in an Extafy) / am 'jure I would J aerifies my Life, my Reputation, my All, to oblige jo 'Talk no: ef Sacrifices, (anfvvers fhe) / am content with leffer Ser- vices ; and to convince you of the Truth of this, behold, all I demand of you, is, that you would fend immediate* ly for the Barber, and cut off your Whiskers , becaufe they hinder me from having a full and perfect Commu- nion with your Lips. But, Madam, will no- thing under my Whiskers fiatisfy you ? Why, can I pojfibly ask you an cafier Inftance of your Love ? Any well-manner'd Gentleman would part with them at the Requefl of a Friend, but much more at that of his Mi- fir fs. And unlefis I part with them, mufi I 'never hope to be happy in you ? > Never, upon my Word. Why, t hen, Madam, farewell : I'll fie all the Women in the Univerfe pil'd up like fib many Faggots, to make the D.vil a Bonefire, before Til cut off my Whiskers to pleaje the befit of: them. With that he took his Leave abruptly, and has never been feen iince. To apply this Story. Now the Church of England, when- ever fhc pleafes, may marry or incorporate the Drf- fenters, provided fhe will part with her Whiskers, that is to fay, a few foolifh idle Ceremonies, which neither contribute to her Beauty nor her Security ; by which Means fhe would render herfelf impregnable, for the fubaltern Sex can never injure her; yet with the un- toward Obrtinacy of Col. Stiff-rump, rather than part with thefe Whiskers, Trifles upon fo valuable a Con- sideration, fhe chufes to lofc a great Part of the King- dom, not contemptible either for their Numbers, Piety, Learning, or Wealth. When Mr. Alfiop had done his Story and Applica- tion, he fmil'd as if the Day were his own ; but to pluck him down from his imagin'd Conqueft, Sir, lays I, whoever told you this Story, deferves to have his Bones broke ; for, to my Knowledge, he has mil- led you, not only in the Names and Characters of Per- ibns ig8 Mr. Alfop^ State of Conformity. Tons conrern'd, but almofl in every Particular; there- fore to fet you aright, I will recount the Story to you, exactly as it happen'd, and thit in as few Words as may he. " I knew the Fellow fmgularly well, and: 91 ib I did the Lady ; the Mm was a Tallozv-Cband- "■ ler by Trade, his Name was J 'on at ban Scbifm, and '* he liv'd at the Sign of the Cdve's Head in St. " S wit bin s Lane, over agiinft S alters -Hall : He was * a mighty Frequenter of Morning-Lectures, and the " like Exercifes ; but his Watching bearing no Propor- * tion to his Praying, tint is, his Zeal fwallowing up " his Concern for his Family, Things were run to " iixes and Sevens; in fhort, Affairs were come to * that Pais, that he durft hardly Ihew his Nofeover his " Hatch, tho* at the fame Time he was as proud as " a gifted' Quaker, as full of Malice as an exploded " Pcetafter, cenforious to the laft Degree, glad of any " Misfortune that befel his Neighbours, and never " mannerly but in his Diftrefs. To this odd condition- M ed Soul was tack'd a Body that nick'd it like two " Exchequer-Tallies ; his Hair was greafy, and curl'd " like a Pound of his own Candles, his Shirt of the " fame Complexion with his Hat, and the reft of his - rt Equipage was fuitable to this. I beg your Par- " don, Mr. Alfop, for dwelling fo long upon fo nau- u feous a Subject. To come to the Lady, her Name. •* was Conformity % and liv'd at- the fine Houfe yonder : " perhaps fhe had not her Fellow in the- Univerfe, her " Temper always chearful and eafy ; joyful when me " heard of the Happinefs of others, and afflicted at " their Calamities ; fhe never preach'd up her own " Vcrtue, nor cry'd down that of her Neighbour; " no Raifer nor fecond-hand Reporter of malicious Sto- u ries ; good natur'd, but difcreet ; . humble, but care- " ful to preferve her Authority: In the Management of ■* her Family, fhe neither affected a ruinous Magni- "■ ficence, nor a fordid Oeconomy ; but every Thing u was fo decent and fo regularly order'd, that there was "not the lealt Confufion or Diforder to be feen. "• Thus. fhe liv'd happy, and in the Univerfal Eiteem u - of all that,- knew her; when alLon the fudden, et? " ther Mr, AlfopV State of Conformity. i^9 " ther mov'd by the fliperior Influence of the Stars, " or touch'd by an extraordinary Fit of Ccmpafiion, " with which her generous Temper abounded to a " Fault, or fome other Reafon belt known to herielf, u /he Tent for this ilovenly Wretch to corns to her " Houfe. Our Friend Jonathan immediately waited- " on her, and the- Lady thus unbofom'd herfelf to " him : I am no Stranger, fays fhe, to your Cir- M cumfhnces, and know with what Difficulty you " keep the- Wolf from your Door; now, if you will- M comply with a few e.ify Propoials I hive to make- **• to you, F will' not- only free you from the Appre- " henfion of Goals, and living a conitant Tributary " to thofe Vermine the Bailiffs, but I'll pay your Debts, 4< and, what is more, fettle my Perfon and Fortune- ** upon you. This is a Happinefs, cries our fplay- " mouth'd Talhzv Chandler, in a Tranfport, which u I could never have expected: But may I make fo M bold with you, Madam, as to enquire, what you • have to propofe to me; for if you command me H to crawl upon all Four to Berwick upon Tweed, or ' * travel to Rim and convert the Pope, there's no- " thing you can propofe, but I'll cheerfully comply " with, to attain fo much Felicity. Why, Mr. Scbifm, " fays me, I have obferv'd; that you are none of " the cleanliefl Men in the World; now I abominate " a Sloven, and therefore, to fit you for my Bed, I *' expert you mould- immediately confent to the fol- " lowing Articles: Firft and foremoft, I require you M to comb your- Hair, and clean it; that you put on ** a clean Shirt, and be not hence forward fuch a mor- * tal Foe to clean Linnen ; that you go to the Bagnio, " and mundify your Tabernacle from the filthy rank *•' Fumes and" Scents of your Trade and Perfon; that '« for the future you watch as well as pray; and " that you be not fo proud, but- that you fhew your *' Neighbours the common Civility which is their Due. " On thefe Terms, faid the Lady, I and my Fortune " are at your Service. Will no other Conditions ferve " your Turn, reply'd Jonathan ? Can you defire *f any more agreeable, than what would make you " ceale 140 Mr: Alfop'; State of Conformity. " ceafe to bz a IMoniter, and make you lite the reft u of your Neighbours, to whom now your Singula - " rity and Pride render you a perfect Nuiiance ? Alas! 44 Mad.im, if nothing but this will do, you and I " can never dance betwixt one Pair of Sheets. What! •• your'c a pcrfecl Woman, nothing but a Beau will " pleafe you ! I love my felf too well, and know my " Judgment too infallible, to let any Confederations M alter my Courfe of Life : Tho* my Hair be lank 11 and greafy, my Peres fomething frowzy, my Li- " nen on the Melancholly,. and my Behaviour foms- " thing obilreperous ; yet it is my Fancy, Madam, " and my Fancy is my Law and my Confciencei " and if you don't like me, rough as I run, tare you *' well, Madam ; I zm not to be alter'd! Wherefore, " tho' I like your Habitation very well, your Per- ■' fon better, and your Fortune belt, of all ; yet, were " you Miftrcfs of the Universe, 1 would not ceafe to " be that very numerical, grcafy Jonathan, to " you. But Decency, Mr. Jonathan, Hang " Decency, tho 5 finical. You lay, perhaps, I fink *' among my Neighbours. I anfwer, To me the *' Smell's Perfume. You call me a Sloven, I am *' tranfported with my Negligent Air. You tl " my Trade a Nuiiance, I like it better than a Pow- " der Shop. As for my being like other People, I ** laugh at it ; no, let other People be like me. — ■ " So, Madam, adieu ; for I am old pofitive Jonathan, " Away flies Jonathan, as full of lndignati- *■ on u Naft'nefs. The Lady frill, full of Com- " paffion for hi3 Frenzy, makes Ufe of the Mediation " of Friends, pathetick Perfwafives, Tendernefs, and " the like Endeavours, to reclaim him to his Senfes, " and to make him ceafe to be the Jeft and Scandal " of his Neighbours ; but all in vain, for he remain'd " pofitive: Unlefs fhe would grow as filthy a Slut " as he was Sloven, he would have nothing to lay " to her. The Application, faid I, Mr. Alfcp, is not difficult to make. The venerable and decent Worfhip of the Chirch of England^ and the irreverent and fcandalous Meet- Mr, Alfop'j State ^Conformity. 141 Meetings of the Diffenters, are vifible enough to be feen without the Help of a Parallel. The Diilenters might, when they pleafe, be marry 'd to or incorpo- rated with the Church of England, if they would quit their Singubr'ty, Pride, indecent Worihip, and the like, which they derive neither from Scripture nor Reafon, and which contribute neither to their Beau- ty nor Strength; and fo be united to a greater Part of the Kingdom, very confiderablc for their Number, Piety, Learning, and Wealth. Phoo, faid Mr. A/fop, this will prove like all other Controverfies, both Sides triumphing, and neither Side convine'd. For I muft tell you, that I cannot but think your Adoration of the Churches Antichrif- tian and Idolatrous. Why, reply'd I, don't you think there is a decent RefpecT: due to the Place that's fet apart for the Wor/hip of God ? No more, than to my Kitchen, or my Stable, built of the lame Brick or Stone.— Well, well, Mr. Aifop, you and I won't differ for Trifles , I mail be glad to fee you when I come to London^ which will be very fuddenly, and will there confute a Bottle or two with you. With all my Heart, reply'd Mr. Alfop ; for tho J you're a Churchman, you leem to be a good honcfl Fellow. Where mail we meet, faid I ? Where you pleafc, at what Tavern you frequent. I abomi- nate a Tavern ; but I'il tell you what, I can procure two Gallons of excellent Burgundy, and I, and another Friend, will meet and fuddle our Nofes at your Meet- ing-houfe; where under the Pulpit, as under the Rofe, we may fiy what we pleafe a gain it either State or Church. Hold, hold a little, interrupted Mr. Alfop, my Meeting-houfe is fet apart, for the Worfhip of God, and it will found oddly to turn it into a Bibbing- Houfe. Not at all, reply'd I ; why not into a Bibbing-Houfe, as well as a Dancing-School, a Buttock-Ball, or the fike? Befides, if it be no more than your Kitchen, or your Stable, how can a Bottle of good Burgundy prophane it? Mr. &42 Mr. Alfop'i State of Conformity, Mr. Alfop was here at a Stand ; and while he was ■puzzling his Noddle with a Salvo, Company came in to his Relief, and To adjourn'd his Conference, fine die. 'The Widow's Wedding: Or, A true Account of Dr. Oats'j Marriage with a Muggletonian Widow in Bread- Street, London, Auguft the i $th, 1693. In a Let- ter to a Gentleman in the Country* S I R, TH E oniy News of Importance I have to com- municate to you at preient, is, that the famous and never-to-be-forgotten Dr. Oats, was marry *d the Beginning of this Week. You know for a Perfon of his Conftitutioti, that always exprefs'd, and perhaps inherited, an Averfion to the fair Sex; and befides, had found out a Back-Door to bellow his Kindnefs and Strength elfe where, to confine himfelf at laft to the infipid Duties of Matrimony, is as unnatural and un- expected a Change, as for an old Miler to turn pro- digal. And this perhaps Was the furprizing Revoluti- on, which moft of our Almanacks, both at Home and Abroad, threatened us with in the Month of Augujl. I remember I happ^n'd to be at Caraway's, when a Gen- tleman came in and told us the News. Immediately all other Difcourfe ccas'd, Eafi-lndia Auctions, the Price of Pepper, and rifing of Currants; not a Word of our Army in Flanders, or the Siege of Belgrade \ the Turkey Fleet, and the Battle of Landen, were not mention'd in two Hours after. Nay, the Duke of Sa- voy, who is now working Miracles for us at Piedmont, was wholly laid afide. Every Body flood amaz'd, and it was a confiderable Time before they could recover themfelves out of this Aftonifhment. At laft an old Gentleman, at the upper End of the Table, broke the Silence, and made himfelf and the Company very merry at the Doctor's £xpence. I remember, lays he, J have fome where read, that when Erafmus heard that Martin Luther-, of blefTed Memory, was marry 'd, he fhould fay in a jefting Manner, That if, according to -the old Tradition, Antichrift was to be got between a E>rOateJ'J ft / eddi?i#. Wl. IF.? i+z Mr- Alfop'5 State 0/ Conformity* f 43 a Monk and a Nun, the World was now in a fair Way to liave a Litter of the Sort. Not that I would (con- tinues he) apply this Story to the Doctor ; for God for- bid that we mould live to fee a Brood of fucking 'Antichrists come out of the Doctor s Loins. My Meaning is only this, that fince the Saviour of the Nation has joyn'd his laving • Faculty with a damning Talent, (for you are to under- ftand his Lady is a Muggletonian, and thofe People pre- tend to have the Power of Damnation) we may now expect to fee a Motly Race of half Saviours and half •Dunners. "Hold you there, cries another Gentleman, you ought to have faid half Damners and half Saviours ; for fince the Mother's is the fureft Side, if the Doctor lives to have Children, they'll damn in all Likelihood before they'll fave. The Doctor (as I have been acquainted by feveral of his intimate Friends) had two Reafons to incline him to marry m his old Age. The firit, was, his great Concern to fee the noble Army of Evidences defeated ; Bedke> Dugdale, and Dangerjield, fleeping with their Fathers, viz. the WitnefTes that fwore againft Sufanna y and thofe that fton'd St. Stephen ; Fuller, who with good Management, would have made a clever Fellow, bury'd alive in a Prifon, Et c At era. Young, his virtu- ous Companion, routed part all Hopes of rallying. O- thers, at the Sight of a Pillory or Whipping-Poft ut- terly difcountenane'd, and alham'd of their Profeffion. So the Doctor, finding the whole Hopes of the Family of the Evidences centering in himfelf, and that if due Care was not taken, the Species would be entirely loft, refolv'd, as far as in him lay, to prevent its utter Extinction, and to raife up Seed to the Popiih Plot himfelf. In the Second Place, the Doctor was touch'd in 'Confcience for fome Juvenile Gambols that fhall be namelefs. It feems, though he had pity'd the other Corruptions of Popery, yet he ftill fancy'd Cardinal- ifm. Nay, all the World knows Confcience is a fad terrible Thing. What fiys the Doctor's Friend St. Aufiin ? Why, Conjcientia mi lie Tejtes, Confcience is a thoufand WitnefTes. Is it therefore to be admir'd if 4 the 144 The Widow's Wedding. the Doctor, who, make the bell of him, is but one Tingle Witnefs, and fcarce that, found himfelf fore'd to yield to a tboufand ? So then, as I faid before, his Confciencc perpetually alarming and difturbing him, the Doctor, merely, at laft, for his own Eafe and Quiet, made a Vow to fow his wild Oats, and not to hide the Talent which God had plentifully given him in an Italian Napkin. No fooner was this pious Refolution communicated to his Friends, who were mightily pleas'd at the News, but they look'd out fharp to find him a proper Yoke-fellow. It was reprc- fented to him, that a Maid was by no Means for his Turn ; the Doctor was fat and purfy ; a Maidenhead was not to be got without much drudging for't j and befides, 'twas now juft the Dog-Days, and who knew but the Doctor's .Reins might receive great Damage, in Cafe of a violent Encounter, At hit, an indepen- dent Minifter advis'd him to jvlrs. Margaret Wells of Brcad-ftrcet, (whofe former Husband was a Mi/ggleto- nian, and flic continu d of the fame Perfwafion) urging this Argument in her Behalf, That in her the Doctor might have open and free Ingrefs, Egrefr, and Regrefs, as oft as he pleas'd : That as he might enjoy her without the Sweat of, lb he might eternally live with her without the leaft Peril of, his Brows, fhe being no Charmer, and confequently would not equip him with a Pair of Horns, which he knew the Doctor abominated, as being Marks oftheBcaft, and altogether Popifh. The Doctor lik'd the Propofal; and, at the firft Interview, was fo extreamly fmitten with the Gravity and Goodnefs of her Perfon, that he could neither eat, (which was much) ncr drink (which was more) till the Bufinefs was concluded. A comical Paflage happen'd at the Commms, which I think very well worth fending you: The Doctor go- ing thither for a Licenfe, two fcurvy Qucftions were ask'd him ; the firft was, Whether he would have a Li- cenfe to marry a Boy or a Girl ? The Second, Whe- ther he would have a Licenfe for behind or before ? At this the Doctor loft all Patience, held up his Cane, and thunder 'd out, You R/ifcal, as thick as Hops, 'till upon 4 The Widow's Wedding. 145 Upon the Proctor's crying Paccavi, the Sky clear'd up again. The Articles of Marriage were as follows : Imprimis, The Doctor promifes, in Verba Sacerdotis, to keep never a Male-Servant in his Houfe under Six- ty, and to hang up the Picture of the Deftruction of Sodom, in his Bed-chamber, ad refricandam Memoriam, and to teach his Children to fwear as foon as they fpeak. Item, The Doctor promifes, that he will never offer to attack, either in Bed or Couch, Jjirtt-ftoo! or Table, the Body of the aforefaid Mrs. Margaret Wells, a parte poft, but to comfort, refrelh, and re- lieve her, a -parte ante\ giving the aforefaid Mrs. Mar- garet Wells, in Cafe he offend after that Manner, full Leave to make herfelf Amends before, as fhe pleafes. As alfo on a fecond Trefpafs, to burn his Peace- maker ; -however, with this Provifo, that whenever the aforefaid Mrs. Margaret' Wells- happens to be under the Dominion of the Moon, that is to fay, whene- ver it is Term-Time with the aforefaid Mrs. Marga- ret Wells, then the above-mention'd Doctor fhall have full Power, Liberty, and Authority, to enter the Wejl- minfier-Hall of her Body at which Door he pleafes. This laft Claufe was not obtain'd, till after a ftiff Dif- pute on the Doctor's Part, who threatned to break ofF, if it were deny'd him. The other Articles, as lefs confiderable, I pals over, to come to the main Bufi- nefs in Hand, the Marriage. Gn the 18th of this prefent Auguft, the Doctor, being new wafh'd and trimm'd, with a large facer- dotal Rofe in his Hat, and all his other Clergy Equi- page, came to the Houfe of an Anabaptift Teacher in the City; where, in the Face of a numerous Aftem- bly, confifting of all Sorts, Civifions, and SuLdivifi- ons of Proteltants, he was marry M to Mrs. Margaret Wells. The Doctor was obferv'd to be very merry all Dinner-time ; and the largeft Part of his Face, meaning his Chin, mov'd notably. There flood right over againft him a mighty Sirloin of Beef, to which H he 146 the Widow's Wedding. he flievv'd as little Compaffion as he did the Jediits m the Time of the Plot. After Dinner, fix Fifth-Monar- chy Men, larded with as many Ranters, danc'd a Spi- ritual Jig, and twelve Sweet-Singers of Ij'racl employ- ed their melodious Quail-pipes all th? while. But Ma- dam Salamanca (forfo we mult now call her) feem'd not to be much affected with this Diverfion, but look'd very difconfolate and melancholy. One of the Sifterhood ask'd, Why on a Day of Rejoycing fhe exprefs'd fo much Sorrow in her Looks ? To which Madam Oates, after a deep Sigh or two, anfwer'd, That fhe very much doubted, like the Staffordjhire Miller, that mounted King Charles after the Worcejier Fight upon one of his Mill-Horfes, whether fhe fhould be able to bear the Weight of the Preierver of three Nations. Thus the Time was agreeably fpent 'till Ten, and then the Bell rung for Prayers ; and then his Spoufe, after the laudable Cuftom of England, being gone be- fore, the Doctor refolutely march'd to the Place of Ex- ecution. There was no Sack-PofTet, nor Throwing the Stocking ; both thofe Ceremonies being look'd up- on as fuperftitious, and Things of mere human Inven- tion. The Bed continu'd in a trembling Fit mod Part of the Night ; for 'tis not doubted but the Doctor acquitted himfelf manfully, fmce the good Woman has already affur'd her Midwife, that the Doctor fought out all his Fingers, and fhe began to find an Altera- tion in her Conftitution. An Aftronomer in Meorjields has been confulted upon this Occafion, and he foretels it will be a Boy ; which has made the Doctor very bufy among the Hebrew Roots, to find out a proper Name for his Son. I am Your Servant , THO. BROWN. A SUP- A Supplement to, &c. 147 A Supplement to the Works of Mr. Tho. Brown, Profe and Verfe, the greateft Part never before printed. To Sir John Sands, againft keeping of MiftreJesJ From the Crown. 3S^^59 E are at tne Tavern, and have your Cafe un- ^7}W 33 der our prefent Confideration. 'Tis conclud- Jjg $j* ed on all Hands, that you can neither juitify &£JS33t» vour P re ^* ent Way of living to your fclf, nor yet to the Publick ; which ought to be of fome Regard with all Lovers of their Country. You are got into the modern Foppery of Keeping ; and behold what are th« Sentiments of this honourable Board a- bout it. Mr. — who you know is a Poet, deliver'd himfelf in the Language of his Profeffion. He maintain'd, that, whatever the wicked World thought to the contrary, a Mifs was as much inferior to a Wife, as the Pindaric Mufe is to the Epic ; that one is a Whore without Stays, whereas the other is a civil well-bred Perfon, that always wears them. Mr. who is likewife a Son of Parnajfus, defir'd me to tell you, that a Mifs and a Wife differ only as a fin- gle Epigram, and a large Collection of Poems, viz, that a Man fooner rids his Hands of one, than the other. But as Martial has long ago declar'd his Opinion in the lat- ter Cafe, Quid prodeft brevitas, die mihi, ft liber eft : I that is to fay, What the Plague is a Man the better for the Shortnefs of a Diftich, if he obliges himfelf to read a ^vhole Cart-load of them ; fo he defires to know where H z lies X48 A Supplement to lies the mighty Advantage of a Whore above a lawful Spoufe, if the Spark keeps conftant to her ; and if he does not, where is the Senfe of keeping her in Pay. Mr. ■ exprefs'd himfelf againft the predominant Sin of Keeping, to this Effect : Of all the Vices the prefent Age is to anfwer for, nothing comes near it j and yet the Sots make merry with Marriage, which is full as ridicu- lous as if Dr. Chamberlain fhould laugh at the Bank of England for paying People in Paper. If Marriage is ex- penfive, Keeping is certainly more, and with leis Pre» tence. I knew, dys he, a Gentleman that lov'd Gaming as he did his Eyes. One Night he loft a hundred and fifty Guineas at the Groom-Porters ; when he came Home lie found his Lady in the Parlour, with two Candles burn- ing before her : Lord ! Wife, {-Ays he, what a ftrange Ex- travagance is this ; two Candles lighted at a Time, and Houfe-keeping fo chargeable ? But he forgot, it feems, what his making of his Elbows had coil: him that Even- ing. This is the Cafe of all Keepers : What our Church- men charge the Difienters with, is actually true of them ; they ftartle at a Gnat, but they can fwallow an Ele- phant. Right, fays Harry , Keeping is the greateft Sole- cifm a Man of Pleafure can commit : If the Gallant is true to his Miftrefs, it has all the Phlegm, and if he is fond of her, all the Expence of Matrimony. In fhort, I have an equal Averfion to Marriage and Keeping. They differ only like Holborn and Cornhill: Both are Streets. But to do Sir John Juftice, the latter is nothing near fo long as the former. That is as it happens, cries virtuous Mr. ; for I can fhew you feveral Perfons about the Town that part- ed fairly with their Wives before the firft Month was o- ver, and yet. could endure to cohabit with their Harlots many Years. But Imagination governs all thefe Matters. For my Part, I think of Women as I do of Books, the iinefl of Both Sorts will hardly endure a thorough Exa- mination. If they find more Favour than this, they may thank the courteous Reader for it, who fees more in them than they deferve. I remember I took Mr. Waller and Sir John Denham laft Vacation down with me into the Coun- Tho. Brown'j Works* 1 4^ Country ; I read them over, and what was the Confe- quence of that, I was weary of them. You may laugh at me for a Man of a vicious Palate : but I can't help th.:t. Before I came to Town, I was glad to borrow Wejleys execrable Poem of the Paribn of the Parifli, only for Va- riety. Though I am not wholly of your Opinion, fays Mr. — to him, yet I agree with you, thai: Keeping is Nonfenfe all over, and that for a Reafon which none of you have yet aflign'd. Sir Henry T M. l tc?fs Definition of an Embaf- fador, in Part, belongs to him. Legatus eji vir bonus ad merit iendum for is Reip. gratia. And a Keeper is a good Man, to maintain a pretty Woman in fine Cloaths, hanct- fome Lodgings, and all that, for the publick Benefit of the Commonwealth. Mr. the Merchant is in our Company, who has travel'd Abroad, and feen the World : He fays, that a "Whore in the Civil State, is what Farthings are in the Bufinefs of Trade, only to be ufed for the Convenience of ready Change. But that a Man that makes a Whore, if not his conftant Wife, yet his conflant Companion, and a Government that makes Farthings their only cur- rent Money, will foon be convine'd of the Vanity of their Politicks. And he faid Ireland was lately a fad Inliance of the latter. "What vexes me moft, fays , is to hear thefe Keep- ing-Coxcombs magnify themielves upon their Diferetion, I fave Charges by it, cries one . Yes, replies his Neighbour, they are as much Savers by the Bargain, as one that goes down to Tunbridge or the Bath, to fave his Expences in Town. But fince this Point hath been fpoken to already, I will fry no more to it Only give me Leave, Gentlemen, to cap the Story of the two Candles with another like it. A Brace of Coun- try Attorneys went into a Tavern one Morning to take a Whet, and becaufe they had not feen one another for a Term or two, they drank to the Tune of eleven Pints,. At laft, one of them calPd for a French Roll : Why, Bro- ther, fays the other, are you not afham d to inflame the Reckoning r Let the Keepers apply this. H 3; Well,. 150 A Supplement to Well, but I Tc-.ipe Confinement by it, fays another—. I don t know tint, fays Mr. N — for I think a Mm is as much a Prifoner by a Gout or Rheumatifm of his own begetting, as if the Government had confin'dhim. What fignifies it a Farthing taohe in this Cafe, whether the Prieft ties the Knot, or he does it himfelf ? 'Tis true, the Confinement of Keeping does not lafl (o long as that of Marriage, but it devours more in a Month than the other does in a Year. It's like falling into the Hands of the Black Rod, or a Serjeant of the Houfe, where the Fees run fo high, that you fpend more in a (tw Weeks, than would handfomely maintain you in another Prifon all your Life. But to fee by what Chimera's the World is ma- nag'd : Matrimony is Hell in Folio, becaufe it's a Charm that can't be diflblv'd when a Man pleafes. At the fame Time, thofe that keep, can fometimes fubmit to a Con- finement full as long and fevere ; yet bear it as eafily, be- caufe forfooth 'tis of their own ordering. This puts me in Mind of the famous Citizen of Paris, who had pafs*d threefcore long Years within the City Walls, and never had the leaft Inclination to make a Step into the Country : So foon as he heard that his Prince had commanded him never to ftir out of it, he difcreetly dy'd with the Thoughts of being a Prifoner. There are t enitents in Spain, who on certain Days of Mortification, hfh themfelves as hear- tily as any of our Newgate Rogues are whipp'd by the publick Executioner : 'Tis certain the Pain and Anguifh are the fame ; but one does it voluntarily, and the other cannot help it. What pretty Salvo's a fruitful Imagina- tion can find out ! Thus fir, Sir John, we have given our Thoughts of Keeping in general, without defcending to Particulars j but now we come to consider your own Cafe more near- ly. To the Surprize of all your Friends, you have pitch'd upon a Daughter of the Stage, upon an Aftrefs, to fhew your particular Favours to ; and pray be pleas'd to hear what the Company thinks of it. Mr.. , who, next to Mr. Rymer, is the beft Hi- storian about the Town, fays, that this Tranfa&ion of your Life will be bound up with the Annals of Goatam in the next Age ; becaufe to pretend to confine a She- Player Tho. Brown' s Works. 15* Player to one's (df, is altogether of a Piece with hedging in a Cuckow. Mr. , the Poet firft mention'd, prov'd out of the ancient Records of Parnajp/s, that ail ActreiTes belong to thole of his Profeffion ; and that if a Lay Peiibn pretend- ed to by his unhallow'd Hinds upon her, he was guilty of making an Impropriation, and ought to be indicted in Apolio's Spiritual Court. Mr. of the Temple, who, tho' he never goes to Weflminfter, is never thelefs an Oracle of the Law, pre- tends that your Cafe comes within the Statute of Mono- polies ; that you have done as bad as inclos'd a Common ; and that all the Lovers of Magna Charta ought to break down the Fence. Tis but fit it mould be fo, cries another; for he that pretends to confine a Damfel of the Theatre to his own Ufe, who by her Character is a Peribn of an extended Qualification , acts as unrighteous, at leaft as unnatural a Part, as he that would debauch a Nun : That after all, fuch a Spark rather confults his Vanity than his Love, and would be thought to ingrofs what all the young Cox- combs of the Town admire and covet. Captain 'ended this ferious Debate. He faid, that whoever gave Pay to a Woran, or a Soldier, expected they fhould prove faithful to him. Now, continued he, to expect Fidelity from a Femde that has been rais'd up in that hot Bed call'd a Puy-houfe, is to expect Honefty from an Evidence 'Tis a Folly not to be excus'd ; 'Tis to bottle up Air, like SbadweUh Virtuofo : 'Tis to wafh a Blackamoor. 'Tis to make Dr. Oates reclus in curia : 'Tis, in fhort, to grafp at more than attaining an Impof- fibility ; for 'tis impoffible to fecure any other Woman to your felf, but much more an Actrefs. Thus we have fent you. Sir John, the Opinion of the Committee of our whole Houfc upon this Occaiion. You are delir'd to coniider of it coolly by your felf; and and when you have fo done, if 'tis poffible, repent ; o- therwife do like fome of our Divines' when they con- tradict what they formerly afferted, and Hand buff to it. Tom.- ■ would have you meet us to-morrow Night at the Rofe y where he pretends to attack you with H 4, fo 152 A Supplement to fo many Arguments againft the Female Sex, that he does not queition to make you a Profelyte to the Bottle. Tfo Anfwer of Sir John Sands, in Defence of keeping a MiCs rather than a Wife. Gentlemen, T Find I have a whole PoJJe Comitatus to encounter ; but I **■ rely fo much upon the Goodnefs of my Caufe, that without calling in the Affiftance of my Brother-Keep- ers, without giving my felf the Trouble to repel Num- bers by Numbers, I don't queftion but that I am able, in my own fingle Perfon, to maintain the Field againft you. You are divided, Gentlemen, like all other Affem- blies, in your Opinions: Some of you feem to favour Marriage, but declare againft Keeping: Some of you denounce War equally againft both, and confequent- ly rauft fet up for Fornication at large. I make this Inference, becaufe my Charity won't fuffer me to believe that any of you are fuch rank Infidels, as to difcard the Sex by Wholefale. If I thought you had any of that Complexion among you, yet I mould not think it worth my while to difpute them into better Senfe. Tis an old receiv'd Axiom, you know, that contra tiegantem Principia non efl difputandum. As for the former Gentlemen, I mean thofe that have feme Refpedr. foj- Marriage, but are utter Ene- mies to Keeping, they would oblige me to prove that lying at an Inn, where a Man ftays no longer than he finds himfelf well ufed, and the Place agreeable, is ha.lffo chargeable or foolifh, as ftaying there all one's Life, let the Entertainment te what it will. There are certainty Degrees in Confinement, and the Fleet is not altogether fo Pagan and uncomfortable a Place as Sally or Algiers. Oh ! but Imagination governs allthefe Matters. If, as we have frequent Inftances of it in Hiftory, Imagination can kill as effectually as a Blun- derbufs loaded with a dozen Bullets, deliver me, I fay, from T h o. Brown'; Worksl 153: from the H.inds of that Tyrant Imagination. But tho* this is Anfwer enough to fo trifling an Objection, yet, Gentlemen, 1 will prove, that there's fomething more than bare Imagination in the Cafe. A Mifs's Patent runs durante bene placito, and fhe lies eternally at the Mercy of her Patron. A Wife has a Leafe of your Body for Term of Life, and has no fuch Obligations upon her to keep within Bounds. One, like an open Town, can make no Refiftance, and consequently has no Temptation or Intereft to rebel. A Wife is a fort of Garrifon, fortify 'd by Law and A61 of Parliament, which the Sovereign can't difmantle when he pleafes. She lies fecure behind that unrighteous Bulwark call-'d a Settlement ', which is made as ftrong as the Weflmin- Jler Hall Engineers can contrive it ; and tho' file's never fo plainly convidied of revolting from her lawful Ma- tter, and holding an Intelligence with the Enemy, fhe forfeits neither Life nor Limb ; nay, fhe can challenge a Subfiftance as long as fhe lives. This, I think, fhews, with a Witnefs, that there's a vafl Difference between Marriage and Keeping ? But, to difmifs this Point, were a Wife never fo fincere, and never fo fubmifiive, yet there's a Duty in the Cafe. Conflder what I fay, Gentlemen, there's Duty in the- Cafe, in which An- gle Word there's Duhiefs and Impotence, Death and Defolation, and in fhort, every thing that infp ires hor- ror, and caits a Damp upon Pleafure. 'Tis as bad as the Mcne Tekel on the Wall, the very Name carries a Palfy with it. It puts People upon unlawful Eva- lions; it makes them think on other Folks, when their Thoughts fhould be at Home ; and leads them to coniy mit downright Adultery in the Nuptial Sheets. ^ Even that Pink of Courtefy, Sir John Faljlajf, in the Play, who never was a Niggard of his Lungs, would not anfwer one Word when the Mufi was put upon him : Were Reafons (fays that affable Knight) as cheap as Black- berries , I would not give you -one upon Compuifion, which is but another Word for Duty. And now we are upon this Chapter, Gentlemen, give me leave to copy from you, and tell you a fhort Story. A Nobleman, who fhall be namelefs, in King Charles the H 5 IId J 154 ^Supplement to lid's Time, kept a Chaplain that was a Rake hell e- nough in all Confcience: He would break Windows, kick and cuff, get drunk and fwear, and do all the boi- flerous Things you can think of, as uncanonically as a- ny of his Cloth. This Fellow had not liv'd a full Month with my Lord, (by the fame Token, that they tept him as hot as a Glafs-houfe all the while) but weary, it feems, of his Reception, he came ftagger- ing into the Room where my Lord was drinking with fome Friends : 'Faith, my Lord, fays he, you and I mufl part, before George we muft. Why Co, Doctor, have not I ufed you with all the Civility? You miftake me, my good Lord, I love Drunk- ennefs as well as ever a Peer of you all j but, a Plague, I hate the Thoughts of being forc'd to mount the Guard every Night, I hate to be confin'd to it. You make Drunkennefs a Duty, my Lord, and con- fequently a Vertue, and, I'd have you know, I hate all Vertue. Pray let me advife you to think of this at your Leifure. I come now to thofe worthy Gentlemen, who are againft Inclofures of all Sorts, and fall upon the nrft Game they can ftart. * Not to call their Judgments in Qiieftion, which they never put to the Expence of choofing for rhem, I would fain be inform'd why a Man mould be fo fool-hardy as to expofe himfelf to the fortune de la guerre, when there's no Occaficn for it; or what mighty Satisfaction there is in coming off with the Lofs of a Leg or an Arm, when he might have. kept himfelf fafe. Were there no fuch Things as Difeafes in the World, and had Columbus never dif- cover'd an Indies, perhaps I might be reconcild to this Sort of Life ; but as I am a profefs'd Diiciple of Epicurus, I would, by my good Will, husband every Moment to the belt Advantage: For this Realon I fcorn to take up Pleafure, as young Prodigals do Mo- ney, at 50 per Cent. Tntereft ; and 'tis for this very Reafon that I abominate Drunkennefs, the only Pan- der th't c"n make you fwallow intriguing in common, becau "e a Man gives half an Hour's feeming Satisfa- ction, and two or three Days real Sicknefs. I Th o. Br o w n's Worh. 155 T am now arriv'd to the laft Part of my Indict- ment, where you play all your fmall Shot at me, be- caufe I have thought fit to be particular with an Ac- trefs. Some of you pretend, that fuch a Choice h \s more Vanity than Love in it. Admit it has, yet I ihall never be afliam'd to act upon fo honefc and univerlal a Principle. Whit firft fet up a Coach and Six, but Vanity ? My Lady might mew her felf to as much Advantage in a Chariot and Two; and if my Lord would condefcend now and then to beat the Hoof, as his PredecefTors did before him, it would not be the worfe for his Honour's Health. What in- troduc'd Periwigs as big as Hay-cocks, when the Bor- der, of venerable Memory, would hive ferv'd the Turn as well; or what juftifies thofe gigantick Grievances call'd Commodes, but Variety ? In fhort, what furnifh- es Luxury, and fets off" Magnificence, what plun- ders every Corner of the World, and puts us upon ranfacking every Element, but this very fame Infpirer of all our Motions, for which you wifely condemn, me? You may rail at Variety as long as you plea fe;. but I would not give a Farthing for a Woman whom all the Town does not defire to lye with. For this Reafon I would- have her frequently {ttn by all, the- young Fellows, and my felf, that enjoys her,.- pointed at in the Streets, and envy'd by all that know me. This fets an Edge upon a Man's Inclination, tho* it' flaggd never fo much before, and makes his Tvliftrefs Hill new and charming, becaufe ft ill deflr'd by others. Indeed fome of you are pleas'd to call the Play-houfe a Hot-Bed : If this were any Reproach, fo are the Ex- changes and the Boarding-Schools : fo, in fhort, is all London^ and ten Miles about it : I was in my Paffioa going to fay all the Ifland;^ and if I had faid it, I, think in my Confcience I had not been guilty of Scan- dal. After all, if the Play-houfe is a Hot-bed, fo- much the better; for I have a mortal Averfion to Cold- nefs- and every Thing that refembles it. But to ex- pect Confhmcy from a She-Player ! I always thought them ro*de of the fame Ingredients with the reft of their Sex i and if they have not their Hypocrily to anfwer for, 156 A SUPPLEMENT tO f-.r, I think 'tis a Sign of their Difcretion at leaft. 'Tis an Article of my Creed, that no Woman is con- ftant, but fhe that finds it her Intereft to be fo. If that cannot keep my Damfel within due Bounds, I fhall never break my Heart for the Matter. And to conclude this Letter, if I muft be cheated, which I am afraid is the Cafe of us all, I had rather it mould be done by a Jew, from whom we expeft it, and whofe Profeffion it is, than by a fniveling pre- cife Villain, that has a Text fcr doing it- Gentle- men, I am Your moft humble Servant. From a Vintner in the City, to a young Vint* ner in Covent-Garden. Coufin JOHN, YO U have done two very adventurous Things of late : You have taken a new Houfe and a new Wife, and all in the Compafs of a Week j not ha- ving the Fear of fome late Acls of Parliament before your Eyes, which have made Houfe- keeping fo very chargeable. After this convincing Proof of your Bold- ne r s, mould you take a Lyon by the Whiskers, it would not furprize me. For, Coufin, to deal plainly with you, you have fet up in a very perilous Time, when 'tis Fall of the Leaf with poor Tradefmen all the Year round. The Taxes run high, but never was there fuch an Ebb of Money fince the Creation. Drun'-ennefs, the Lord be praifed, notwithftanding all that the new Reformers have done to it, ftill makes a Shift to maintain its Ground : If it leaves one Liquor, it takes up with another, like the Sea, which, what it lofes in one Place, gains fome where elfe. All the Nation, to give them their Due, would be drunk, if they could, to forget their Sorrows; but, alas ! not one quarter of the Nation can afford to be at the Ex- pence of it. The Situation of Things being thus at this prefent Writing, you ought to manage your felf with Tho. Brown'; Works. 157 with more than ordinary Discretion, if you intend to make a Figure in this traniitory World. In the firft Place, lay it down for a fundamental Rule, never to trull, or at leaft as feldom as you can. But when you commit that Folly, let it not be with Men who are protected by their Dignity or Character, or (what will not be unfeafonable Advice to one that lives in Covent Garden) with the Wits, who are pro- tected from paying by their Poverty. The lefs Faith you have for other People, the more Charity you ihew for yourfelf; for let the P fons fay what they will, I never knew a Man of any Profeflion juflify'd by Faith. Rather than venture that, cheat as much as you can, I mean in a lawful Way : and when you have got an Eitate, then 'tis time enough to think of com- pounding your Sins with Heaven, by building of an Hofpital, according to the laudable and ancient Pra&ice of the City. If you have a Mind to be fav'd by your Faith, take my Advice, do it by Wholefale, but ne- ver by fmall Parcels. In the mean Time, get Money and promote Trade ; for that (as a wife Alderman long ago obferv'd) is the Law and the Prophets. Secondly, confider, that the Trade of a Vintner is a perfect Myflery (for that is the Term the Law be- ftows on it); now, as all Myfteries in the World are wholly fupported by hard and unintelligible Terms, fo you mult take Care to chriften your Wines by fome hard Names, the farther fetch'd fo much the better; and this Policy will ferve to recommend the moil ex- ecrable Stumm in all your Cellar. A plaufible Name to an indifferent Wine, is what a gaudy Title is to a Fop, or fine Cloaths to a Wom^n ; it helps to con- ceal the Defecls it has, and oefpeaks the World in its Favour. Men naturally love to be cheated, particu- larly thofe of our own Nation, for the Honour of eld England be it fpoken ; and provided the Impofition is not too bare-fae'd, will meet you Half with all their Hearts. I could name feveral of Our Brethren to you, who now ftand fair to fit in the Chair of Juftice, and fleep in their golden Chains at Church, that had been fore'd to knock off long ago, if it, had not been for this Ar- 158 -^Supplements Artifice. Ith;sfav'd the Sun from being eclipsed, the' Crown from being abdicated, the Rofe from decaying, the Fountain from being drawn dry , and both the Devils from being co?ifin'd to utter Darknefs. Lf your own Invention is fo barren, that it wants to be aflift- ed, or you have not Geography enough to chriften your Wines yourfelf, I advife you to buy a Map of Spain, Portugal, France, and I r aly, and there you will find Names of Places fit for your ' Purpofe, and the more uncommon they are, they will be the more taking.. Neither is this Piece of Policy only pra&is'd in ours, but in moft other Trades. A Bookfeller, to help the Sale of a dull Pamphlet, will fpruce it up with a moil glorious Title, and tell you the Edition is almoft fold off, when he has five hundred lying dead upon his Hands. A Perfumer will pretend, that his EfTences came from Montpelier, or Florence, tho' he made them at Home. The Glover talks of Cordova, and the Mer- cer of Naples, 'till their Lungs are founder'd, when both their Commodities were of London Extraction. And what Harm is there in all this ? If the People cannot be pleas'd otherwife, we mult, in our own De- fence, a£t as the N^nconf or mi/Is Divines do, and hu- mour them in their Folly. Si populus vult decipi, deci- fiatur, was the Saying of a Church-man who under- ftood the World fo well, that he wou'd have made an admirable Vintner, had he thought it worth his while. Thirdly, Don't forget to commend your Wine for thofe very Qualities that your Cuftomers find Fault with it; like the Poets of the Town, who always ;uf- tify thofe PaiTages in their Plays, for which the Cri- ticks condemn them. For Example, If they fay 'tis fower or harm, why, Gentlemen, 'tis the Nature of true French Wine to be fo ; if they tell you 'tis fmall, you muft reply, that it has a conceal'd Body; and if they quarrel with it fe r being heavy and ftrong, you may ftop their Mouths, by faying, 'tis fo much the fitter for our Cl'mrte, md that a Frieze Coat is not falfe Latin in England, whatever it may be in a w.rm- $r Country. At other Times it will not- be amifs to fliift your Sails, and ufe another Conduit ; as for In- J Tho. Brown'5 Works. 159 Inlbnce : A Company of well dreft Gentlemen come to your Houfe, and in refpecT: to their Quality and gaudy Outfides, you draw 'em the belt Wine in your Vaults. Pfhaw, fays one, what the Devil have you brought us here ? Damn it, cries, another, this Stuff is not fit to be ferv'd at a Porter's Burial. Then you may harangue them to the following Tune. Why Gentlemen, this Wine, an't pleafe you, tho' it difplea- fes you fo much, has the good Fortune to be lik'd by other Palates. There's Sir John Squander, and my Lord Topewell, and twenty more I could mention, Senators, and Men of Underitanding, that drink their Gallons of it every Night : But, to fay the Truths 'tis not, between Friends, true Orthodox ; I find your Palates are extraordinary, fo I will go down my felf, and bring you the Flower of Europe, tho' I fay it ; a fmall Parcel of it came over t'other Day ; it only grows in one Vineyard belonging to the Monks, a Plague on 'em I have forgot the Place; the greateft Fart was bought for the King's Ufe, againft a publick Entertainment, and the Merchant befriended me with the reft : But for God's fake, Gentlemen, fpeak not a Word of this to any of my Cuftomers ; you mail have of it for your own Company as long as it lafts; but if ever this mould be known to my Lord, and Sir John, and the W Country Par nt Men, that come to my Houfe, I am undone for e~ ver, therefore I hope you'll be fecret. Then fly down Stairs like Lightning, bring up a Flafk of the worfl: Wine you have, take off the Oil nicely, and prefent the Glafs to one of thofe judicious Gentlemen. Now obferve how the Scene is alter'd. A plague on't why this will do, fays the firft. Do ? cries the fecond, fpirting it critically upon the Floor, this is fit for An- gels, and not poor finful Mortals. Why, Jack, fays the third, this is exactly the fame Wine you and I ufed to make merry with on the other Side cf the Alpes. An't pleafe the Lord, cries the fourth, J*U get my full Dofe on't to Night. Mafter, we are oblig'd to you. Here, Drawer, bring me up a Napkin; and then a good Supper is befpoke, and Drunkennefs en- fues. i6o ^Supplements fues. A certain Brother of the Quill, that does not Jive full an hundred Miles from the Exchange, has got a brave Eftate by this very Trick, therefore fee you put it in Practice. There are a thoufand other Stratagems to be ufed in our Profettion, but mould I pretend to recount but half of them here, I mould make this more tedious than a Paftoral Letter. A lit- tle Time and Experience will foon bring you acquaint- ed with them. I have nothing now left upon my Hands to do, but to anfvver the Scruples you propos'd to me in your laft, which I will difpatch with all the Brevity I am Matter of. You dettre to know whether a Vintner may take Advantage of People when they are in their Cups, and reckon more than they have had. To which I anfwer in the Affirmative, that you may, pro- vided it to be done in the Way of Trade, and not for any iinifter End. This Cafe has been fo adjudg'd ma- ny Years ago in Vintners Hall, and you may depend upon't. Don't you fee how in all other Trades they never fcruple to make a Penny of a Cuttomer's Igno- rance, (elfe how could the Bookfeller in Paul's Church- Yard, have palm'd Ogilby's Fables with Cuts upon a Country Wench, for a Common- Pray er-Book, and told her that JEfep, with his Beaib about him, was Adam in Paradife) and is not Drunkennefs, while it conti- nues upon a Man, a State of Ignorance? Befides, is it not a Sin, a heinous Sin ? And ought not we, that are in fome Meafure acceiTary to it, to mortify and punifh it? And does any Thing more di curb the Confcience of an Englijbman, than to make his Poc- ket do Penance ? After all, if the Fraud is difcover'd, (and 'tis ten to one whether it be or no) the Ma- tter of the Houfe is not at all affected by it. A Vintner, like the King, can do no Wrong. The Bar indeed may mirhke, the Drawers may be Sons of Whores, and mif-reckon j but a Mailer is not to be damn'd for the TranfgrefTions of his Servants. Even General Councils, with the Pope at the Head of em, are not infallible. Humanum eft errare. The poor Woman at the Bar is but juit come out of the Coun- ty Tho. Brown'j Works. 161 try, or the Noife of the Bell, or the Hurry of Bufi- nefs, diftrafted her. Gentlemen, to make you amends, HI call for my Quart ; I'd not do any ill Thing for the Univerfe. And thus the Farce concludes. In the next Place, you wou'd know how you ought to govern yourfelf in relation to lewd Women that Gentlemen bring to your Houfe : To which I re- ply, That as Men that have Wives, are commanded to live as if they had none ; fo, in this wicked Town, a Vintner that has Eyes, mull behave himfelf as if he had them not, and fometimes too he muft have no Ears, otherwife, damn'd Rogue, and Cuckoldly Vil- lain, would make but ill Mufick in them. So long as all this ferves for the promoting of Trade, for my Part, I think there's no great Sin in it ; this I am fure of, that if it were not for this Practice, our Neighbours the Apothecaries and Surgeons would fairly ftarve ; and, you know, we fhould love our Neighbours as our (dves. The worft Effect it produces, is in re- fpeft to our Wives and Daughters ; it fets their Mouths a watering, and often makes them wifh to be in the Harlot's Place. I once knew a Vintner's big-belly 'd Wife, that having taken Notice of a pain- ful Whore, who by the Sweat of her Brows had earn'd fifteen Pints of White Wine one Night with fifteen fe- veral Men, went ill from the Bar, and nothing would ferve her Turn, but fhe muft be deliver \i in the very Chair that had affifted fo much Fornication. But you'll fay 'tis againft your Confcience. Coufin John* you are a young Beginner in the World, therefore fol- low my Direction, and clap a Muzzle upon your Confcience. When you have got twenty thouland Pounds in your Pocket, you may take off your Muz- zle, if you think fit, and leave it to itfelf. Then you may fhut up your Doors at Nine, look as dif- creetly as the graveft Hypocrite in the City, forbid fmging of Catches in your Houfe, deliver a Gill of Wine thro' the little Wicket only on the Lord's Day, call the Sunday the Sabbath, ft rut to the Parifh- Church at the Head of half a Dozen notch'd Drawers lugging a Geneva Bible between them, and take the Sermon 1 62 i Supplement / for Fear of putting fome old Whimfies into the Heads of the Peo- ple : So here, the Patriarch of Mo f cow forbids all the Clergy, under Pain of Sufpenfion, not to make the lealr. Mention of the Roaiting that is ufed in the other World, left they mould fet all their Congregations a longing to be there. In fhort, noble Captain, the Parfons take as much Care to conceal the Doctrine of Hell-Fire, for the Reafon above-mention'd, from the poor Inhabitants of this Country, as they do the Bible from the Laity in Spain. The Captain gracioufly thank'd my Friend for his News, and fo they parted. One would be apt to imagine, 'twas in fuch Weather as this that David penn'd the Pfalms, where he advifes People to look to their Ways. The Streets are fo excef- five flippcry, that a Man runs through half the Danger of an Eafi India Voyage, in paffing only from Temple- bar to the Change in a Coach ; and if he ventures it on Foot, he's oblig'd to walk with the fame Precaution upon the King's High-way, as your Fellows in Bartholomew- Fair manage themfelves upon the High-Rope. For want of obferving this Direction, a Country Gentlewoman, t'other Day, met with a fad MifchanCe at the Corner of Fetter-lane ; for up flew her Heels, and off came her Commode, and me unluckily difcover'd a hideous Breach in her Fabrick, at which two Foot-Soldiers ran away in a Fright, and a grave Citizen that pafs'd by, was exceed- ingly fcandaliz'd. TJie Phyficians and Surgeons, how- ever, are no Lofers by this Seafon ; for what between Phthifick and Fever, (which really makes a handfome [Figure in the Weekly-Bill) and thofe providential Blef- fings, call'd broken Arms and Legs, both Profeflions find as much Employment, as Dr. Gates will tell you the I Pimps 170 ^Supplement A? Pimps had at White-hall in the Reign of King Charles JI. Our Divines need not be overmic^ in what they preach ; for there is fuch everlafting Barking in the Churches, that though the Parfon had the Lungs of twenty Trumpet- ers, yel 'twere impoffible to underilanda Syllable he fays. Some Phthificky old Gentleman leads up a Cough, his next Neighbour immediately takes the Hint from him, a third purfues it, and fo the Snow-ball rowls merrily on, 'till at laft: the whole Congregation joins in the Chorus, and one Side of the Church anfwers the other as regular- ly and harmonioufly, as two contending Nightingales in a Hedge, or the Vicars in the new Choir at St. Paul's. The Thames is in great Danger of being made a Cap- , tive, and of wearing Fetters, which he generoufly en- deavours to throw off every Tide, and never was fo true an Emblem as now, of that noble-fpirited Ifland of which he is the Defence as well as Ornament, which can never have Chains put upon it of any Continuance. I am ferry to find by your laft, that your Neighbour Mr. H grows fat upon Marriage ; for I don't fee Jjow he can anfwer it to his Confcience. Marriage is a lean, hungry, craving Soil, on which he that can fatten, may raife an Eftate in Scotland, or recover from an Ague by removing into the Hundreds. Ecclefiaftical Hillory tells us of a Bifhop that fufpended one of his Priefts for no Crime, but becaufe he had double Chin. That Pre- late could not be perfwaded that his Curate preach'd. and pray'd, and minded the Bufinefs of his Parifh, fo long as he carry'd fuch an unapoftolical Badge about him. Pray acquaint your Friend Mr. H with this Adven- ture of the double Chin, and tell him from me, that nei- ther Canon, nor Civil, nor Common Law, will juftify him in making a Sine Cure of his Wife. I am Tour moft humble Servant, Tho. Brown. Some T h o. Brown'j Works. 171 Some Remarks upon Marriage. M4rriage being the Port or Haven at which molt of the Sons and Daughters of Eve deftgn to touch fooner or Liter, 'tis no Wonder that People are univerfally curious to know how this tickliih Ce- remony is perform'd in other Countries. We find here at Home, that the firft Place in the Common- Prayer-Book, that young Maidens generally dip in, is the Service of Matrimony. I once knew a raw Girl, that could readily make all the Refponfes in that Of- fice, before ilie could anfwer to one Queftion in her CatechifjJij which occalion'd her Father, who was a grave old Gentleman, to wifh, that thofe of her Sex would take as much Care to prepare themfelves for their latter, as for their firft Endj for fo it proves to molt of them. It has been frequently faid, that Marriage and Hang- ing go by Deftiny ; but, for my Part, I am no Pre- deftinarian , neither do I believe, with the reft of the World, that Matches are made in Heaven, any more than I believe that all Oxen are bought and fold there befcre they come to Smitbfield-Wlsxket. But tho* I am no Admirer of Deftiny, as I faid before, yet I would not have any one infer from thence, that I be- lieve there's no Manner of Refemblance between Hang- Wg and Marrying: For Hanging, with Reverence be it ipoken, as well as Marrying, is performed by tying a Knot, v\ hich Death only diflolvcs ; and they agree too in this Particular, (which is more fuitable to the Occafion of the Book) that all civiliz'd Countries in the World oblerve different Fafhions in one, no lefs than the other. The Roman Catholicks make a Sacrament of Ma- trimony, and, in Confequence of that Notion, pretend it confers Grace. The Proteftant Divines don't carry Matters fo high ; but fay, tins ought to be underftood in a qualify'd Senfe ; and that Marriage fo far confers Grace, as generally fpeaking, it confers Repentance, winch every Body knows is a Step to Grace. I t h 172 ^/Supplements It muft be confefs'd on all Hands, that Marriage is the moll ferious Action that a Man can engage in, and therefore we ought to think of it, as we do of our latter End, with Fear and trembling. For this Reafon, I cannot endure to hear People pafs their ill- natur'd Jefts upon fo holy an Ordinance. If it is a Alan's good Fortune to meet with a good Wife, he ought to date his Happinefs in this World from that very Moment ; and if flie proves not as he defires, he ought to look over the Catalogue of his Sins, and interpret it as a Viiitation, or at leaft to take it pati- ently. For my Part, commend me to that Gentleman, who having marry 'd a Lady of an extraordinary Ca- pacity, never complain'd of his Fate, nor made his Spoufe uneafy, but honeitly thankM God, that now he had a Hole to put his Head in. The Ladies that read a Book calTd Marriage-Cere- monies, will find fufiicient Reafon to thank Providence that they were born in fo good-natur'd an Ifland as ours is, where the Preliminaries to Marriage are nothing near fo morofe and fevere as they are in fome Places in the World. To give an- Inftance of this, our Au- thor of the Marriage-Ceremonies tells us, p. 5 1 . A- mong tbe Sabrians, (a Sort of mungril Chriftians, that live on the Confines of Perjia next Turkey) the Par- ties meeting together at Church, the Mimfter makes the Bride /wear before the Women that Jhe is a Virgin* As ill an Opinion as the World unjuftly entertains of our Females, I am very well fatisfy'd, that there are , above forty thoufand confeiencious Wives, within the Bills of Mortality, that would have loft all, before they would have taken fo rafh and infnaring 2n Oath. How is it poffible that a Woman mould pofitively fwear to an imaginary Thing, which may be loft (the Lord fcnows how) between fleeping and waking ? This I am fure of, that no Husband was a Jot the fecurer for prefcribing arbitrary and unlawful Oaths. Yet, as great a Hardfhip as this may feem to be, it is nothing in Comparifon of Hardfhips pra&is'd in fome Countries, even after the Nuptial Ceremonies are performed. Thus we find in the faid Book, />. 42. Zbat Tho. Brown'; Works. 173 That among the Greeks, if the Women find in the Bed the next Day any Sign of a loft Virginity, they make a great Feaft ; but when that is wanting, they fay nothing* the Bridegroom fending back the Bride to her Relati- ons an I Friends. The fame inhumm Cuftom is like- wife obferv'd by the Perfians, as the Reader rrny fee, p. 64, by the Moors of Morocco, p. 73, the Inhabi- tants of ths Kingdom of Fez, p. 75, by thofe of Algi- ers, and Tunis, p. 79, by the Spaniards, who retain this Cuftom fro?n the Moors, p. 22, and lately by the Jews in Barbnry. As for the latter, I don't wonder at it to find fuch Ufage among them, becaufe they were a ftiff-neck'd People, that was always demanding Signs and Tokens ; nor among Infidels and Mahome- tans ; but that any Chriflians, that are happily freed from the Levltical Bondage, mould ftill hanker after the old fuperftitious Leaven, is a Matter of the great- eft Aftonifhment to me. I cannot but reflefl with Horror, how many Ladies in England, that now live comfortably with their Husbands, and are blefVd with a numerous lime, had been fhamefully difcarded and fent Home, if ever fuch an unrighteous Fafhion as this had got Footing among us. It leems to argue a great deal of Cruelly in the Men, that they mould ■ relifh no Pleafure but what comes at the Expence of their deareft Conforts. But it is my daily Prayer, that Pro- vidence will protect the free-born Women of England from fuch bloody-minded Husbands. But tho' the greateft Part of the World are fo ex- travagantly fond of Virginity, yet we find there are fome People that have other Notions of Things. Our faid Author, p. 38, acquaints, That when one vf Conchin marries, whofoever he is, he may not lie with his Bride the firft Night, but is eblig'd to give her to a Brachmm, who lies with her ; and that they believe this to be a Favour, and a good Omen. I hope their Parifhes in this Country are not of a large Extent, o- therwife the Prieft has more Work upon his Hands than he will go thro' with, unlefs he keeps a Curate or two to relieve him, when Marriage comes in thick. The Holders-forth of our Conventicles affecT: to be I 3 thought 1 74 ^Supplements thought great Pains-Takers, and really deferve the Name; for their Bands will tcftify for them, both in the Dog-Days and out of the Dog- Days, that they fvveat exceedingly. But, alas! what is this, if conii- der'd in the fame Scales with the Drudgery that thefe Priefts undergo in their Miniftry. I have often won- der'd that the Popifh Clergy, that ftand up fo Hilly for the Divine Right of Firft-fruits, don't troop m Shoals to this Kingdom, when they voluntarily pay fuch an extraordinary Tribute to the Church. 'Tis obfervable, that in molt Countries of the World this Ceremony is perform'd by the Priefthood, who, if they equally pretend to the Power of hoo- fing, as they do to that of Tying, they would have more Bufmefs upon their Hands than they could well difpenfe with. Only in Turkey marry'd People are join'd together by the Cadey, or Civil Magiftrate, and here in England, in Oliver's Time, by a Juftice of Peace; the Reafon alledg'd for it then, was, that none was fo well qualify 'd to marry others, as he, who, by his Office, was impower'd to lay People by the Heels, and put them into the Stocks. As I have already taken Notice, Virginity is ree- kon'd fo effential to Marriage, in feveral Countries, that the poor Bride is inhumanly difmifs'd, and fent Home to her Relations, if me be found defective in that Particular ; but in this Author we fhall find, that all the World is not of this Humour; in Pegu, of the Marriage Ceremonies, p. 96, The King and thofe of the greatejl Quality, lie not the firjl Night with their Wives, but admit others, and pay them bountifully that will give themfelves the Trouble, With all due Re- fpect to our Women be it fpoken, I humbly conceive, that one half at leaft of the marry'd Men in this King- dom, if they will fpeak their Minds freely, muft do their Wives this Juftice, as to own, that they fav'd this Porters-Druggery, as a Monarch (not inferior to So- lomon for Wifdom) rightly call'd it. Our Neighbours of Scotland, before they came to be civiiiz'd, ufed to lie the firft Night with the Bride, their Vaifal ; hut now they have fiang up fuch a troubjcfome piece of T h o. Brown'5 Works. > 1 75 of State, and make their Tenants drudge for them- (elves. We rail at the Church of Rome, and not without Reafon, for exacting implicite Obedience from her Sons ; but, alas ! what fignifies it, to take a few Ar- ticles upon the Credit of the Prieft; but to take a Wife (as our Author tells us they do in Mofcovy, and other Places) without feeing her once, or knowing what Defects me may have, is fomewhat hard upon the Subject. Heaven be praised, that here in Eng- land we are not forc'd to buy a Pig in a Poke ; nay, there are fome marry d Men in the World, that were as intimately acquainted with their Wives before Marri- age, as ever they were after. See now what it is to live under a free Government, and to have Magna Cbarta on one's Side. To conclude thefe Reflections, it is my hearty Ad- vice, That all unmarry'd Perfons would chufe them- selves proper Spoufes by the firft Opportunity, in or- der to recruit thofe Numbers that have been deftroy'd in the Wars, and not fuffer their Talents to be bury- cd in a Napkin. For which they muft feverely aa- fwer one Day. And as for thofe that are marry'd, the bell Way they can take, as I prefume, is, to live as cafy as they can ; and, following the good Counfel of Hob/on the Carrier, fo to manage themfelves, as not to tire before, \hslr Journey's End. A Condolatory Letter to Mr. H— -being a farther Confolation on his C u c k o 1 d M, &c. S I R, J Find by your Anfwer, that my Advice had not that good Effect upon you which I expected. You ftill complain of your Unhappinefs, and dilturb your- self and your Friends with Chimera's of your own creating. If I thought complaining would make you a Farthing the better, I would out-weep a Church* fpout, and out-lament a Widow that has bury'd three I 4 Hui- iy6 -^Supple me kt to Husbands, and now laments for a fourth: Or if I thought you wanted any fpiritual Cordials, I would fend you a Cart-load of Sermons, to teach you that Patience which the Preachers of them could never practice. But you are a Malade imaginaire, and Moliere would fooner bring you to yourfelf th:n a Divine. In fhcrt, think no more of the Viper that ftung you, and you are well. You talk much of whit People do in Spain upon thefe Occafionsj but what have you and I to do with them? Are we to regulate our Eating by the Sots of Lapland, or to go naked, in Compkilance to the Sal- vages under the Line ? Had you liv'd in Spain, per- haps I h .d preich'd Revenge to you ; and out of great Concern for your Perfon, advifed you to ven- ture the Gallows, becaufe forfooth your Wife, with the Sweat of her Brows, had earn'd Damnation. But fince you live in a Country where the People are wi- fer than to be enflav'd by fuch foolifh Notions, pray fufFer yourfelf to be govern'd by the Maxims of it. I tell you once more, Cuckoldom is no Scandal in our Nation ; and if you were the firft and ancienteft ■ in England, I could fay no more to you. If 'tis the Rarity that makes the Monfter, you'll ne- ver come within the Number of them. 'Tis only the marry 'd Men that are not Cuckolds, that, proper- ly fpeaking, are the Monfters here; as in Guiana, 'tis not thofe that have huge Lips and flat Nofes, but thofe that have them otherwife, are really the deform - ed. The old Romans, who may be fuppos'd to have had as juft Sentiments of Honour, as the niceft Dons of Cajiile, were guided by wifer Maxims. In Cafe of Infidelity, the Wife was fent Home with Infamy to her vertuous Relations ; but no Manner of Difgrace re- flected upon the Husband. Pompey, the Conqueror of fo many Kings, Cicero, the Father of Eloquence, and C&far, the Mailer of the Univerfe, bad all of them Wives that prov'd as errant Recreants as yours: yet we don't find that they thought thenifelves a Farthing the worfe for it, or thatjhey rail'd at their Stars, or fiew Tho. Brown'j Works. 177 flew into fuch Extravagancies as you do. Cicero in particular, that has written fo many confolatory Trea- tifes, to relieve a Man under all the Misfortunes and Accidents of human Life, as Banifhment, Poverty, the Lofs of Friends, old Age, Difgrace, and the like, yet never thought it worth his while to part with one Jingle drop of Comfort out of his philofophical Aqua FitA Bottle, to cure the Heart-burning of a Cuckold. And, Jack, fhall it ever be faid, to the Infamy of old JLnglandy that Heathens, uncircumcis'd Heathens, could practice that Patience, which you that, God be thank- ed, live under a meeker Difpenfation, cannot reconcile your felf to? You tell me, perhaps, that the Romans bore this with the greater Rengnation, becaufe they could make themfelves Amends out of the Sex, and marry another Wife as foon as they had difmifs'd the former. On .the other Hand, I think 'tis happy for you, that you live in a Chriftian Country, where they won't let you cut your Fingers the fecond Time with a Knife, as long as the Inftrurnent that wounded you laftis in Be- ing. There's a Fable in JEfop, that fits your Cafe exactly; therefore pray liilcn to it with due Attention: and Reverence. A Shepherd kept a Flock of Sheep near the Sea, and oblerving it to be wonderful calm for a long Time, had an Itch upon him to turn Mer- chant- Adventurer ; tint is to fay, in plain Engiijb,- a Gentleman, liking the Outfide of the fair Sex well enough, picks out one to his Purpofe, and refolves to marry, to he converts his Sheep and other Movea- bles into a Purfe of Money, buys a Parcel" of Dates, and puts to Sea; that is to fay, furnifhes him a Houfe, provides a fine Suit of Cloaths, goes to Dukes-Place and marries. A Tempeft rufHed him cruelly there, (this Tempeft, Jack, by the By, is Cuckoldom) that he was fore'd to throw his Dates over-board, to ligh- ten his Ship ; that is to fay, his Wife was.fo damn'd a Thorn in: his Side, that he was fore'd to drink her to Death, to get rid of her. And, thus, with much adoj efcapes to Shore, and returns to the old Place, to . follow his old Profeffion ; that is breaks up Houfe- 1 5 keeping,. 178 ^Supplement to keeping, and lives privately, as he did before. A few Days after, finding old Father Ocean to look merrily about the Gills, that is, fome of the Sex lmile and iimper, as if they had a Defign to hook him into Ma- trimony again ; a Plague take you, fays he, for a Dil- iembler: What, your Chops water for more Dates, I warrant; but I'll fee you hang'd before you fhall have any. I don't queition, Jack, but that there are twen- ty and twenty Women in our Neighbourhood, that long to be fingering your Dates ; but if you'll follow the Shepherd's Example, they fhall all lofe- their Long- ing. Well, we have got over this troublefome Point ; and now nothing vexes you, but that your Wife mould run away with a Soldier, a (confounded Enfign I think you call him) and an ugly Fellow too. But this is the moft fantaftical Complaint that ever was heard. It puts me in Mind of an Irijh-man in the Civil Wars, that when he was going to be hang'd, fet nothing to Heart, but that he mull be trus'd up in a Halter, and not in a Withe. Jf your Houfe was robb'd, I fup- pofe it would be all a Cafe to you, whether it was a Beau or a Chimney-fweeper, that did you the Ho- nour to riffle you : And in your prefent Misfortune, what Relief would it be to you, that a blue Garter planted your Horns, any more than a blue Apron, the Duce take me if I can fee. But you, I find, are fomewhat of Beffuft Humour in the Play, who comforted himfelf after a good Kicking, that his Ho- nour had not fuffer'd, becaufe in the firft Place, 'twas a Lord that kick'd him, and fecondly, 'twas done with a Spanijb-Lcither Slipper. In your next Letter I ex- peel to find you lamenting, becaufe the Fad was done under a Hedge, or upon a bare Floor, and not with the ufual Accommodations in a Bed. Once more, the Fellow was ugly : Why, fo much the better ftill, the Cockatrice of your Bofom, will have the leis to fay for herfelf another Day, and that ought to be no little Comfort, Jack, to one in your Cafe. Befides, it juf- tifies the old Saying, That Subjecls, and Wives, when tbey revolt from their lawful Sovereigns 9 feldom cbufe T h o. Bro wnV Works'. 1 79 for a better. As for her pitching upon a Soldier to be her Gallant, I don't wonder at it. The Gen te- men in Red, and their Brethren in Black, hive for fe- veral Ages been in Pbfleifion of the Sex; the latter, upon the Account of their Secrecy, which may be the Reafon, perhaps, why they wear the Rofe, the Badge of Silence, in their Hats ; and the other, upon the Score of the mighty Performances which the Women expeel from them. The Ladies imagine them al! to be Heroes ; and as the Laity formerly believ'd, that Black conferred Grace and Greek, fo they vainly think, that Red gives the Wearers of it Courage and Vigour above their Neighbours. If we may believe Antiquity, Vulcan had a broader Back than Mars, and was the itronger made of the two; yet the latter, with the powerful Charms of the embroided Coat and Steen-kirk Cravat, fo won the Goddefs's Heart, that me was eafily tempted to cuckold the poor Blackfmith. In fhort, Women are like Mack- arel, bate but a Hook with a Piece of red Cloth, and you infallibly take them. But to return to the Chapter of Uglinefs, from which we have digrefs'd; I told you before, 'twould make it the Worfe for your Wife at the Re- -on ; but upon fecond Thoughts, I don't know but me may have a great deal to (ay for herfelf. You are a handfome Fel- low, Jack , 1 own it ; but perhaps have convinced her by forrowful Experience, that, as the Proverb has it, All is ?iot Gold that glitters. Who can tell but your Wife has read natural Philofophy enough to know, that where the Ground was the rougher!, the mod: unpro-- millng Surface, there the richeft Mines lie below. After all, whether it is fo or not, Variety is a migh- ty Matter ; and much may be faid on fo fertile a Head. People love to alter their Hands, tho'- it is not always for the better; a clear Inflance of this we find in Plau- tus's Amphitryv, Jupiter, who by the high Poll he flood pofTefs'd of, one would think mould have no grofs Palate, lies with Alcmene the very Night before me deliver'd of two chopping Infants. The Lady, for her Part, was complaifant, that's certain ; but Women, ge- nerally fpeaking, are not fo refractory as Camels are,. that. 180 -^Supplement to that when they have got their Burden, rife up, and will carry no more ; fo this is no great Wonder. But what the Duce mould bewitch a Lover, that had the whole Uhiverfe before him, to make his Son Mercury pimp for him for the Space of twenty four Hours by the Clock, to put himfelf to the Expence of a Miracle, to make the Moon and the reft of the Stars do double Duty, to keep back the Sun, and make an univerfal Dis- order in Nature, and all to carry on a foolifh Intri- gue with a big-belly 'd Woman ? 'Tis agreed by all the Dutch Commentators, that he would never have done fo much fcr June, his lawful Spoufe, in one of her moft engaging Moments, with all the Advantages of Drefs and Art to recommend her, much lefs under ftich embarraiing Circumftances. What then may we ima- gine to be the Reafon of it r Why, that partly Variety and partly the Itch of making a Cuckold, engag'd him in this Expedition. But all this while, I forget that I am pleadirg for your Wife, like the Bifhop that was employed to write againft Luther > and turn'd one of his ?arty. Thus I have briefly run over all your Scruple?, and en- deavour'd to make you rectus in curia \ but before I con- clude, give me Leave to tell you a fhort Story. A Gen- tleman of my Aeauaintance had a Tenant that rented a- bout fome 40 Shillings a Year of him : The Hut he liv'd in was a fad wretched Hole, made up of a kw feeble Poles, cover'd with Mud, Dung, and Straw ; 'twas not to be mention'd on the fame Year with a Crow's Neft, ei- ther for the Materials, the Convenience, or Architecture of it. The leafl Puff of Wind ruffled it more feverely than a Hurricane does a Ship in the Indies. The Dif- charge of a Gun, at a Quarter of a Mile's Diftance, would give it a Tertian Ague for a Fortnight. Then as for the Furniture, it was all of a Piece with the Build- ing, half a Score wooden Spoons, with a Platter of the fame Metal, a broken-back'd Chair, and what they call'd a Bed, by a bolder Catachrefis than is to be found in all Mr. Cleveland. It was not fo much as furnifhed with a Suit of Grub-Jlreet Tapiftry ; I mean, a Set of Prote- ftant Ballads, or the Devil tempting a London 'Prentice, or Tho. Brown'j Works. 1S1 or the Tanner's Advice to his Children, or the Royal Family on Horfeback, to keep the poor Walls in Coun- tenance. The Fellow's whole Subftance was a Bee hive, half a Score Cabbage?, and an Apple-Tree in the Yard ; on the Succefs of which he depended more than the Con tes on that of a Campaign in Flanders : A Tit that fharp'd for his Livelihood on the Common, but as Le.m as a Projector's Foot-man ; a Cow, whofe Milk was Meat and Drink, and her Tail an Almanack to the Family ; with a Cock flrutting at the Head of a Proge- ny ; and a Brace of Pigs educated within Doors, and ferv'd with as much Care as the Heir apparent to the Cottage. His Mufick, when he came Home, was, to hear a Litter of young dirty Children fquawling on one Side of him, and the above-mention'd MeJJieurs de Por- craugnac grunting on the other, and his rank two-handed Spoufe, ( that never had a Drop of Water touch her Face fince the Parfon fprinkled her at the Font, by the fame Token even then it made her cry out ) endeavouring to keep the King's Majefty's Peace between them. Yet a- midft all this Poverty and Filthinefs , the Fellow look'd merry, and in good Humour, mor'd as contentedly at Church as the beft of his Neighbours, in an old Sunday - Coat that had out-liv'd fix Generations ; flill whittled at his Work ; and what is more, without any of the Parifh to afTift him, once a Year got his Wife with Child, as if he breakfafted every Morning on the Duke of Bucking- barn's famous Broth. So his Landlord ask'd him what Shift he made to keep himfelf fo cheerful and merry ? Why, Matter, fays he, when I think of fuch fine Folks as your Worfhip, that ride in your Coaches, and eat and drink of the beft, without doing any Thing for it, why then, an't pleafe you, I can't forbear curfing my old Fa- ther for begetting me under fuch a ftarving Planet : But when I confider how few are in your Cafe, and how many Millions in the fame Condition with my felf, if not in a worfe, why then I fet my Hand to my Plough, and jog on as merrily as I can. Jack, this Story needs no Application; do but think of the Millions you have on your Side, enough to confound the Turk and Pope, nay, to carry the, whole World before you, if you knew your 1 8-2 A Supplement to •your own Strength ; do but think how many Noblemen and Courtiers you have to lead the Van, how man/ Cits to bring up the main Body, how many Soldiers to fight, Lawyers to plead, Phyficians to prefcribe, and Divines to pray for you, and I dire engage you'll ileep heartily upon't, and perfecute me with no more of your whining Letters ; who am Tour humble Servant, THO. BROWN. POSTSCRIPT. A Phyfi clan of my Acquaintance, that has heard of your Misfortune, call'd upon me this Morning, juft as I had ended my Letter ; and, left my Advice Ihould fail of making a good Impreffion upon you, was fo kind to fend you the following Prefcription. If thefe Precepts won't cure you, we mail proceed to Topicks ; and one of the befl Remedies I know, is what follows. When your dif- contented Soul labours with a little Brow-Anguifh, take a Child's Coral, with a Whittle and Bells to it, moiften it with Falling Spittle, and rub your Forehead with it ter in die hcris Media's. It will make your Brow- Antlers cut eafy ; fcr fome Cuckolds are as froward under the breed- ing of Horns, as fome Children are under the Breeding of Teeth. Once more adieu. i Letter to the Reverend Mr. in Efiex, Grafter, Phyftcian, andParfon. T Have had a Mind to write to thee this long while, but "*■ the Misfortune on'tis, that a Man does not know how to accofl: thee, without being at the Pains to confult the Heralds- Office. Gerycn, of tripple headed Memory, gave h* .Subjects, I fuppofe, the fame Trouble, who, when they came to deliver a Petition to him, found themfelves as much embarafs*d which of his Heads to addrefs to, as I find my felf ?.t prefent under which of your three Ca- pacities I am finl to confider you. In fhort, I am told you have got three Strings to your Bow, that you are a Parfon, T h o. B r o w n ■ s Works. 1 83 Parfon, a Grafier, and a Phyfician. Now, wlvch of thefe is your Top-Profeflion, I mean tint which brings you in the mod Money, the Lord knows. However, hoping the belt Hill of the Church, this comes to tell you, Reverend Sir, that I am glad at your good For- tune, and wifh you all the Profperity you can defire. All your Friends here in Town are extreamly plea fed at your grafting the Grafier upon the Clergyman. You have redue'd Things, they fay, to their primitive Condi- tion, and join'd two Trades, as the World makes them now, that liv'd pc.;ccubly together long before the Flood. The old Patriarchs, you know, were both Prieits and Grafiers, and had an equal Jurifdiclion over their two- legg'd and four-legg'd Congregations. When Pag.miim got Footing in ths World, the Cafe was fomewhit al- tered ; then Sacrifices came in Play, and. the Priefls and Grafiers turn'd Butchers ; which noble Employment, fome malicious People will tell you, their SucceiTors have kept up under another Difpenf-tion. But as for your joining the Phvfrcian to the Divine, they are not fo well fatisfy'd. Some wonder'd why you would take up a Profeffion that lies under the Imputati- on of being in the Hands of Atheiits : But, Gentlemen, faid I, don't trouble your felves for that Matter ; for let a Parfon tack a hundred other ProfeiTions to his own, yet I'll engage, that like Oil among other Liquors, the Clergy- man will float uppermoft. Befides, who knows but it was your ill Fortune to live amongft fuch a refractory perverfe People as Don Diego's were, that would not knock off in any reafonable Time, b-t liv'd long, on Pur- pofe to fpite their Relations, and defraud the Church of its Perquiiites. The Ropes grew mouldy, and the Bells were in Danger of forgetting their Notes, for want of Exercife ; and the Grafs in your Church-yard, for want of being corre&ed by the Spade, grew fo fcandaloufly and enormoufly high, that the Arch-Deacon complain'd of it at the Vifitation. Then the poor Sexton, God help him, finding no Employment from the Dead, was in a fair Way to be ftarv'd among the Living ; and liad as little to do as a Pimp at Newmarket, when the C— — t is not there. Then he and you ; oh ! I beg your Par- don 184 A Supplement to don, Doctor; then you and he, under the melancholy Yew-Tree that faces the Church-Porch, all alone, like Mr. Dryden's two Turtles in the Siege o{Granada y coo'd and murmur'd to each others Moan, and made as mourn- ful a Confort between you, as two Sea-mens Widows in a Brandy-Shop near the Navy-Office. Husbands com- plain'd of their Wives, and Wives of their Husbands, for flicking fo unmercifully long to one another ; and what is a dreadful Thing to confider, there had like to have been a general Infurreftion of all the young Fellows a- gainft their moft unnatural Fathers for the fame Account. To prevent thefe, and a thoufand other Inconveniences, I think it was very difcreetly done of you, to fet up for a Phyfician ; and now I don't queflion but the Bells toll mer- rily, the Ropes are made tractable with ufing, the Church- yard looks like a Place of Bufinefs, and your Sexton can afford to treat himfelf with a Capon at Supper. As I was reading Caligula a Life t'other Morning, you came into my Head, I proteft, and I could not forbear to wifh, that it had been your good Luck to live under his aufpicious Reign. That Emperor, who was not par- tial to his own Species, but heartily encourag'd Merit where-ever he found it, whether in Man or Beaft, 'twas the fame Thing to him, generoufly bellow 'd a fat Parfo- nage upon his Horfe Incitatus, whom, by the by, he de- fign'd to make Lord-Mayor of Rome the next Year, but granted him, I fuppofe, a Difpenfation to officiate by a Curate, becaufe the poor Brute had a natural Impedi- ment in his Speech. So I was thinking with my felf, if this noble-fpiritcd Prince could prefent- his Horfe to a rich Living, what Preferment would he have refus'd to a Gentleman of your Ability, had you liv'd in Rome at that Time. But you have prevented all thefe Wifhes in. your Friends, by the wife Courfe you have taken to get Money ; for the Devil's in't, if three gainful Tracks, in Confederacy , cannot make a Shift, to keep the French Wolf of Poverty from the Door. Some People, indeed, think you come within the Canon about Pluralities ; but that is a Jefl ; they may as well call a double Chin a Plu- rality, and then the Lord have Mercy on the Wicked, and give a Bear and Fiddle that fcandalous Name, which would. Tho. Brown'] Works. 185 would touch the Copyhold of half the Curates in Wales. I would fain know why the Incumbent, w here the Be- nefice won't keep Body and Soul together, mould not be fuffer'd to make himfelf Amends in fome other Employ- ment, as well as your Mercers in a Country Village, to fell every Thing, from broad Cloth and Sattin, down to Tape and Pack-Thread. Befides, all the World knows that the Reformation ftript the Church of Confeffion and feveral other advantageous Points, which kept the Laity in good Order : Now what could better fupply the Ab-- fencc of thefe Things, than the Profeffion you have taken up, fince we find the World is fo wickedly given, that they have a greater Regard for their tranfitory Bodies, than their Souls ? So now, if any of your Parifhioners are obftinate, don't threaten them with the Ecclefiaflical Court, but ply them with Pills ; don't excommunicate them, but give them Phyfick ; for that will fooner fend them to the Devil, than the Cenfure of the C h. I, that am at fo great a Diftance from you, pleafe my felf now and then with the Thoughts that I behold you in your own Dominions, with as bufy a Face as a Coun- try Attorney Handing at his Door with a Brace of Pens in his Hair ; fometimes I fee you in the Pulpit, knock- ing down Sin like an Ox ; fometimes handling of Bul- locks in the Market, and from thence fent for to feel the Pulfe of a Farmer's plump Daughter in ordine ad Spiri- tnalia. Then out comes the Clyfter-Pipe ; and when that is adm miller 'd, the Prayer-Book is lugg'd piping hot out of the fame Pocket to beg a Bleffing upon't, The Harmony of Authors too in your Library, rauft needs be admirable ; Culpepper's Midwife, and Dr. Sherlock up- on Death ; Harvey de Lue Venerea, and Burgees of Ori- ginal Sin ; Cole batch of Acids, and Twife of the Gofpel Sweets ; the Difpenfatory, and the Concordance ; a Fa- ther, and an Urinal-Monger. But what pleafes me molt, is, to hear that you are grown the graveft Perfon in all the Country. Whatever you do, keep to your Gravity, and that will keep you. Some People, I know, will call it Dulnefs ; and, to fay the Truth, Dulnefs and Gra- vity like the two Sofa's in the Play, refemble one another (q much, that 'tis almoft impofftble to diftinguiu\ them ; but 1 86 A Supplement to but no Matter for that, ftill hold to the Text of Gravi- ty ; for the topping Men in all Profeflions are protected by their Gravity, as the Towns in Holland arc by the Mad and Dirt about them. Having been told of feveral of your Cures, I wifh we had you here in Town, to fliew a Piece of your Skill upon an old Acquaintance of yours, who is troubled with a dcid Palfey on one Side, which I am afraid he will ne- ver recover of, 'till Death or you come to his Relief* I mean poor Harry S , who has lately marry 'd the Wi- dow D . For my Pirt, I can never fee him, but I think of the Embalmer in Herodotus, that committed For- nication with a dead Body. St. Francis, that was fore'd to run into a Heap of Snow, to correct the Infolences of Nature, would have turn'd as cold and motionlefs as Lot's Wife at the very Sight of her. A generous well-body 'd Calenture, fuch as they have under the Line, may per- haps put her Blood into Motion; but a common ordina- ry Fever can no more warm her, than you can roait a Surloin of Beef by a Farthing Candle. By this you may guefs what a wretched Condition your Friend is in. If there is any Thing in your Art that can give this Gentle- woman a civil Lift into the other World, f for really fhe is too good for this ) ycu are defir'd to communicate it ; and, belides a good round Gratuity, Harry promifes you /hall preach her Funeral Sermon ; fo that, after you ha**, deftroy'd her with your Pills, you may likewise murder her with your Oratory. I am Tour bumble Servant, THO. BROWN. iLuTTER to Madam kept by a Jew in Coven t-Garden. AT my coming to Town, I was furpriz'd to hear two Things : That the Du':e of Savoy had quitted the Confederates, and gone over to the French, and (what ftartled me more) that Mrs. Lucy had thrown off her old Chriftian Acquaintance, and revolted to the Jews. Faith, Child I could never have imagin'd, that you, Tho. Brown'j Works. 187 you, of all the Women in the World, would ever have cho'en a Gallant out of that Religion, which clips and diminifhes the current Coin of Love, or could ever be brought to like thofe People that liv'd two thou- fand Yeirs on Types and Figures. But, perhaps, you fancy'd the Nation for Sampfin's Sake, of brawny Me- mory. If you did, you are like to lofe your Long- ing ; for you may as well look for fome of the Race of the two Giants at Guild-ball in Cbeapfide, as for any of Sampjhi's Progeny in Dukes-Phce. Some of your Friends alledge, in your Justification, that you were wholly directed by your Intereft in this Choice, and troth I can't blame you. Our Statefmen and Se- nators, our Divines, Merchants, and Lawyers, acl all upon that Principle ; and why a poor frail Woman mould not be allow'd the fame Privileges, I cannot fee. So then, I find, 'tis neither Circumcifion nor Uncircumcifion that avails any Thing with you, but Money, which is, in Reality, of all Religions ; and you only put in Practice what your kind Keeper's An- ceflors did formerly in the Wildernefs, that is, you fall down before the Golden Calf, which, the Rab- bles fiy, was fome Excufe for their Idolatry. Upon this Foot 111 allow you to grant feme Favours to your Old Tejlament Spark, fo long as his Pot of Manna con- tinues full, and you find him like the Land of Canaan, flowing with Milk and Koney. However, in the mean Time, confider how his Predeceflbrs ferv'd the ^Egyptians, and let it not difturb your pious Confcience to ule him in the fame Manner. For your Comfort, all our Cafuifts agree, that it is no more Sin to cheat a Jew, than to over-reach a Scot, or to put falfe Dice upon a Stock-jobber. And now, old Friend of mine, to tell thee the Truth, I have a great Inclination upon me to be wonderfully loving to thee, and I'll tell thee the Reafon ; If thou hadft kept ftill within the Pale of the Church, I believe you and I knew one a- nother fo intimately well before, that I mould hive lain under no great Temptation to trefpafs with thee. But fince thou haft admitted an Interloper into thy Bofom, I have a wonderful longing to beat up h ; s Quarters, 1 88 i Supplement /(? Quarters, and am refolv'd to cuckold this Eleazar, ' this Eben-Ezra, this Son of Circumcifion, only to fhevv my Zeal to Chriilianity. Therefore meet me, dear Lucy, this very Evening in the Pit; for I long to know, firft, how thou madeit a Shift to pafs the Levitical Mu- fter with him ; and, fecondly and laftly, to be inform- ed, whether Aaron's Bells make better Mufick than ours. Adieu. ^Letter from a Gentleman in Hol- land to his Friend in England. YO U may imagine I lead none of the mod com- fortable Lives here, when I tell ycu, that I am qu.r.er'd in a little pimping Village on the Front er of Flanders, where I have no Men to converfe, and no Women to intrigue with. To begin with the for- mer, I am a perfect Barbarian to them, and fo I be- lieve I mould be, if I liv'd among them till Doomfday. For all I know, they may wifh me at the Devil, and curfe me, when I fancy they are at their Complements. However, this is no more Temptation to me to learn their croaking Language, than I mould have, if I were marry'd, to imitate the jealous Italian in Poggius, who- gelt himfelf, on purpofe to know whether his Wife was true to his Bed. Then their Liquor is fo abomi- nable, that there's no enduring it; rather than do. Pe- nance in fuch vile Stuff, two of my Soldiers are fore'd to fill their Guts with Water every Day, and then fland upon their Heads a quarter of an Hour together, to make themfelves giddy, which gives them fome fee- ble Reprefentation of Drunkennefs. In Jhort, I am grown rufty for want of Exercife, and pafs away my Time as uneafily, as a poor Carp that has been ufed to range in a River, does in a little Cittern of Water at a FiJhmonger\ by Temple-Bar. - However I could make a Shift to bear the Brutality of Men, if the other Sex made me Amends ; but i'faith they are cold to fuch a Degree, that neither Love nor Wine can unthaw them. Tho. Brown'j'W;, i 89 them. I mull needs own, I have the fame Quarr:l to the Generality of your Women in London, as the Cler- gy have to the Laity, that is to fay, they know too much; but a Plague on't, the Females here have the contrary Fault, and are fuch flegmatick, ftupid Crea- tures, that a Man mult live the Age of a Patriarch a- mong them, to teach them to fetch and carry. In fhort, you may iboner teach a Laplander Algebra. Tho' the Virtuofi may be miftaken in their univerfal Character, yet I thought Love had an univerfal Language, which was underilood from Pole to Pole, and that he kept an Exchange in all Corners of the Earth, where the two Sexes might barter their Commodities ; but here, it feems, this Traffick is not praclis'd, tho* they trade in every Thing elfe. By Signs, and other Motions, I can make a fhift to tell them what I would eat and drink ; but I cannot, with all that my Eyes can fpeak, with all that my Fingers can expreis, make the Wo- men underiland my Meaning, fo as to relieve my more prefling Neceffitics. Looking once with a languifliing ridiculous Air, as People in Love ufe to do, my Land- lord's Daughter thought I was ill, and a Phylician was prefently lent for, (fo I guefs'd him to be, by the Clilter-pipe hanging by his Side) but I had the Grace to refufe the Civilities he dengn'd me. To try her yet farther, I put a Pledge into her Hands, which the Women in all other Parts of the Globe are willing enough to exchange, and know the Value of; but fne look'd upon it as unconcern'd as a Cheapjjde Cit does at a Cuckold, and return'd it me back ; and yet the Wench was plump and handfome, was pall twenty, and feem'd to be made of the fame good-natur'd Materials with the Women in England. : Tis a common Say- ing, but untrue, that no Nation is fo barbarous, but Love and Religion have got Footing in it. U we may believe our modern Travellers, the Hotentots have no Religion ; and I have found, by forrov/ful Experience, that the Dutch Women have no tafte of Love : Whe- ther this proceeds from this natural Coldnefs, which produces the fame Effecls here that Grace does in other Places, or whether their Bufinefs, to which they are so 1 90 i Supplement^ no lefs br d than the Men, proves too prevalent for all amorous ImpreiTions, I can tell ; but this is certain, th.it as a modern Author exprciTes himfelf, we find a- mong thefe Paga?i People, un certain ufage de pru- dcr>e quafi generklement etallie, je ne fcai quelle vielU tradition de continence, qui paffe de mere en filh co?n- me une efpece de Religion. In (hort, if Love be a Deity, there are no fuch damn'd Atheifts in the World as in this ftrange Climate. Tis true, in other Places thofe of the fair Sex may be too profufe in their Of- ferings : but, as the Divines rightly obferve, Superiti- tion is better than Prophaiienefs. Thofe few here that pretend to own his Power, pay their Oblations to him with as ill a Will, as a breaking Tradesman pays his Taxes to the Government. It does not come from any generous Principle within, the Heart has no Share in the Sacrifice; and the Soul, which in other Countries loves to affift, 2nd go along with the Body upon thefe Occasions, is as unconcera'd here, as a Tradefinan's Rake-heHy Prentice at a Quaker's Meeting. Not but that there are Whores and marry'd Women too in this Country ; (which m y feem to deftroy what I have faid before) but they know no more what Gallan- try means, than they underibnd Arabick ; and the for- mer are fuch rampant mercenary Devils, that they would even lick old Lucifer's cloven Feet for a fingle Gilder. In ftiort, there's not one honefl RcthaL to be found a- tnong them, to juitify the Profeffionj and Love has ne'er a Court in all the Seven Provinces, where a Mail can be heard in forma pauperis: which is a fad Thing for us poor Soldiers, that are not over-itock'd with the Ready. And then, as I have already told you, thofe that pafs for Maids, are fuch infenfible Things, that one may fucceed much fooner in his Pretentions elfe- where, than he can here make himfelf underftood : Or, to exprefs myfelf in the Language or Weflminfer-Ha!l y one may get his Caufe try'd, enter upon the Premifes, and levy a Fine elfewhere, before he can put in his Plea here, let him ufe all the Art he can. The young Fellow 5 arc made of the fame unthinking Clay; they fometimes talk of the" Flames of Love, but 'tis fo as we do, Tho. Brown'j Works. 191 do, at this Dilhnce, of the Siege of Troy, which no- thing concerns us. 'Tis next to an Article of Faith with them, that no Evacuation is forefrefhing as a Belch, that nothing warms but Brandy, and that nothing is worth a Man's courting but Money. Guefs then what a difmal Penance I have undergone in this wicked Place; but now, Heaven be prais'd, my Perfecution is like to be at an End ; for next Week ' we are order'd to join the Army at Nivelle, where I hope to meet good Store of Champaign, and to make my lelf Amends out of the Female Recruits Lint are arriv'd from England. Come Battle and Murder, Bloodfhed and Defolation, Fire and Faggot : in line, aiw Thing but Dutch Women, and the Curie of So- briety. Thus prays Your mofi oblig*d Servant. To his Miftrefs, that Jhew'd his Letters to his Rival. YOUR barbarous and unjuft Ufage of me has had this good Effeft, tho' f am not at all oblig'd to you for it, as to make me a very good Chriftian. I was in a fair Way to commit Idolatry, and to pay my Adoration in a wrong Place; fo far had a gay Out- fide impos'd upon me. But, Madam, ycu have abfo- lutely cur'd me of this fuperftitious Blindnefs; and now I can plainly dilcover the Fiend, where I imagin'd a little before, that nothing but a Goddefs inhabited. Since my Eyes have been thus open'd, I can look upon the faireft of your Sex, without finding the lead Emotion in my Heart ; and the moll beautiful Woman of Heaven's making affects me no more than one of Sir Godfrey's : Nay, in fome Refpecl, the Copy may be faid to exceed the Original : It has as fair and charming an Outfide, but nothing of that Vanity and Impertinence, nothing of that Hypocrify, Malice, and Diilimulation, which make up the Compofition of the other. I 192 A Supplement to I dare appeal to yourfelf, who are none of the molt impartial Judges in the World, whether I ever faid, or did, or write, one misbecoming Thing to you. Pafficn, perhaps, which intoxicates no lefs than Wine, might betray one to fome Excefles ; but ftill they were to your Advantage ; on which Score you were obli- ged, if not to forgive them, yet at leaft to bury them in Silence. I never apprOach'd you but with a facred Awe, and always reprefented a Divinity to myfelf, when ever I took Pen in Hand to acquaint you with the Sentiments of my Soul. If my Incenfe was not ofthsfirft Sort, [for I am humble enough to believe, that you might have rece : v'd much better from a thou- fand other Hands) yet the Sincerity of him that of- fer'd it ought to have cover'd him from your Difplea- fure. Tho' you diflike my Flame, yet in common Charity you might have fufter'd it to expire in its own Urn. If you were refolv'd to punifh it for afpiring fo high, one iingle Frown would have extinguifh'd it, or at leafl fecur'd you from being troubled with it any longer. But to divert yourfelf and my Rival, at the Expence of an uahappy Lover, who was then bleed- ing for you ; to publilh his Infirmities, only cccafion- ed by the Violence of his Paffion ; oh ! thou downright Devil ! I mould fay, Woman, was cruel to the laft De- gree, and fuch Ufage that the worft of Princes never treated the woril of Subjects with. But, Heaven be prais d, it awaken'd every Refentment about me, and in fpite of my Weaknefs gave me Courage enough to tear you from my Heart, which you had fo unjuflly ufurp'd. But I forgot, Madam, that you made me a Chrif- tian; fo to fhew that I am itill in perfect Charity with you, 1 hope, and that without any Referve, to fee you marry 'd to my Rival. Since your Vanity takes fuch Delight to be addrefs'd, the very next Day after the Prieil has join*d your Hands, may you receive more Letters from your pretended or real Admirers, than are fent to a Secretary of State after the firit Difco- very of a Plot. May you fhew them to your Hus- band, in hopes he will challenge one of the Sparks. and T h o. Brown'j Worksl 193 and fall- in your Quarrel. May they have that Effect as to fly-blow him in the jealous Side of his Head ; but may he never think you worth the while to ven- ture the cutting of a Finger in the Defence of your Honour. Still may the Sparks perfecute you with their Billets ; and Hill may he think them to be of your own contriving, and treat you accordingly. In fhort, may he and you live long, exceeding long to- gether, and may Providence fo influence all his Aflions, as to make him an Inftrument of doing Jullice to you, and to the Much injure d From a Beau, dijfwading his Brother Beau to go to Flanders. AL L the Chocolate-Houfes at this End of the Town are exceedingly furpriz'd at the inhuman Rcfolution thou haft taken, of pafling this Campaign in Flanders^ and talk of going into Mourning for thee. Nay, would'ft thou "believe it ! thofe brawny Infenfi- bles, the Chair-men, take it to Heart, and threaten to renounce Flip and All-Fours, fence thou haft decreed to leave England. Prithee, Tam, what have the La- dies done, that thou ihould'ft be fo cruel to them? Or, rather, what unweildy Sins haft thou committed, to be fo barbarous to thy felf ? For my Part, I look upon thee to be bewitch'd, for I cannot otherwife ac- count for thy Madnefs. Thou haft no Religion to fight for, that's certain ; and there are Liberty and Proper- ty Fools enough in the Nation, without thee, to help to increafe their Numbers. Lord ! what will the Degeneracy of this Age come to ? That a Gentleman that underftands Drefling to Perfection, and has fpent fo many Hours at Locket's and the Mine Pofts, to cultivate his Palate, fhould e- ver be fuch a Sot, as in cool Blood, and of his own true Accord, to vifit that heflifh Country, where the f Burgo-mafters and the Boors confpire between them ! to infe.61 the very Air with their Belches. Rot my K Div *g4 <& Supplement to Diaphragm, if the nafty Word has not polluted my Ink, fo that I am fore'd to put Tome Orange-Water into the Standifh, to correct the unfavory Smell. Real- ly, Tam, to think of tlie Miferies thou muft endure this Summer, is as bad as going up to the Monument: It has made me giddy, confound me elfe, and my •Head turns round like a Weather-cock. In the firft Place, to lye in a damn'd fneaking Tent, where you can fcarce turn yourfelf round, with no Curtains to your Bed ; nay, not fo much as a Looking-glafs in its low- eft Signification ; Then no other Pulviiio to fcent your P-eriwig, but the Dull of the Phins and Gunpowder , and to ftink worie of the latter than Cbeapfide did for- nierly oh a Lord Mayor VDay ; upon thofe unrighteous Things call'd Marches, no fuch Convenience as a •Chair to be got. For your Comfort, Tarn, you muft walk thro* thick .and thin with no Waiter behind yon to clean your Shoes, among a Herd of skirtlefs Raf- cals, that ftink worfe than Pole-cats. Oh! let me think no more of them. Befides, 'tis a Million to one that walking thus in the Sun, will dignify your Face with fome Pimples. Horrid and hideous ! the ve- ry Thought of a Pimple has fo dilcompos'd me, that ^eeHm^fomethmg itch in my Forehead, 1 muft beg your Pardon, Tarn, if being under the Appre- henfions of fuch a Difafter, I now and then make bold to confult that faithful Oracle my Glafs :— — — Hea- ven be prais'd, 'tis not fo bad with me ; and yet what the Devil means that little Spot of Red?— — 'Tis well 'tis no worfe, I may thank my Sotting for this.— — Dem it, to drink a whole Pint of Claret at a Sitting! Hell and Furies! how it increafes!— — I would not have a Pimple, Tarn, for the Indies. » But 'tis gone after all, and I find my Sufpicions were in vain. To come now, Taw, to the Field of Battle; thofe ill-bred whorfon Things call'd Bullets, are no Refpec- tcrs of Perfons. A Pox on them, they obferve no Di- flinftion between a fine Gentleman and a Dragooner. Perhaps it would not grieve a Man to lofe his Life upon a good Occanon; (I fjpeak this by Way ofSup- pofition T h o. Brown*; Works. 1 95 pofition only) but to furvive the untimely Fate of one's belov'd Wig, to fee one's embroider d Coat mangled and hack'd, is enough to break the Heart of Hercules^ if he were alive, and had a true Senfe of Things. To difTwade you, if 'tis pofhble, from embarking ia this pernicious Affair, let me conjure you as a Friend, to re- flect upon Sir John Foppingtoris Cafe. About two Months ago he puts on a Milk white Suit, defigning to mew himfelf in it that Evening in the Park ; and to do Sir John Jullice, he never exerted the Bright- nefs of his Imagination fo much as he did upon the Trimming of it. Coming by Catharine-Street, a faw- cy impudent Chimney-Sweeper daub'd his Coat. I wonder, Tarn, by the by, that the Parliament never made a five Mile Act to banilh fuch prophane Vallains out of all Corporations, as once they did the Diflent-- ing Miniflers. But fo it happen'd as I tell you, and poor Sir John immediately went Home, and took his Bed upon J t. He had all the Agonies of a defpairing Sinner.' Come, Knight, fays I, there's no Harm, I hope ; prithee take Courage, and get up. Good Heavens! my Coat, cry'd he. Why there's no Danger, but it will recover, and do well! Oh, that confounded Chimney- Sweeper! —-Providence fent him to vilit you for your Sins, Sir Jcbn. • But what III have I done to draw fuch a judgment upon me ? The Ways of Heaven Sir Jcbn, are dark --and myfterioir„ Jack, — — I never committed Murder nor Sacrilege in my Life, why then mould So he run on for above fix Hours. All this while we endeavour'd to foften his Calamity to him, by re- minding him of the Inconftancy of human Affairs. Wc refrenYd his Memory with Stories of Kings depos'd, and famous Monarchies fubverted ; but 'twas all in vain : He could not be perfwaded to live, 'till the Scowerer had taken his Oath before a Juftice of Peace, that the Coat was not a Farthing the worfe. Nay, thi« was not enough, the Taylor was fent for to confirm the Scowcrer's Depofition ; and the Woman of the Houfe, who faw him put it on in the Morning, muft fwear, as fhe hopes to be faved, that is was notiu the leaft injur'd. Kz s If 196 -^Supplement t$ If this melancholy Inftance, Tarn, is not enough to deter you from your wicked Refolution, and you" have no Bowels of Companion for the Iffue of your own Fancy, meaning your Cloaths, pray retire for a Moment or two to your Clofet ; by your Hand upon your Heart, and ask it coolly and foberly, how it would relifh that moil extraordinary Accomplimment, a woo- den Leg? Think what a decent Figure you'll make in a Lady's Chamber with fo fine a Qualification. Good JLard, a wooden Leg! *Tis almoft as charming as the Devil's cloven Foot. A Lover made of Flefh and Blood above, and of Timber below, what an odd Com- polition is that ! The Minotaur in the Fable, who was half Man and half Beait, was a Cherubim to him. Or, Tafk, if this does not mortify you, pray confider, thit there are certain impudent Things in an Army call'd Guns, that without asking any Queftions, will demo- lifh a Man's Nofe, or run away with one of his Arms, or carry off half his Teeth and Under-Jaw; and yet there lies no Action againft them for it. Such Blel- f.ngs as thefe are to be had in Flanders, with due Care and Application ; and, Tarn, you muft fee fevcral He- roes about the Town, who purchas'd them at no lit- tle Expence of Time and Blood at Steenkirk and Lan- der.. But, Tarn, if you have any Guts in your Brain?, you'll never long to make one of the Number. Having mention'd theLofs of Arms, Teeth, and Legs, without which, Tam y we can neither make our Reverences with a good Air, nor talk agreeably to the Ladies, nor perform our farts at a Ball ; if this won't fright you, 'twould be impertinent to put you in Mind that vou have another Thing dill to loie, and that is your Life. For, alas ! Tam> wiiat is Life worth, when we have loft die only Thing that maketh the Trifle dear to us? As for me, confound my Gfandula Pin'ealu, if I am not of Will EJfences Opinion, the greoteft Ge- nius that Covent-Garden ever produced for exquiiite D.reffing, who ufed to fay, For his Part he knew not what a Man's Head was good for, but to hang his Hat or his Periwig on j and that if it were put to his Choice, he would as toon lofe that as any other Part about T h o. Brown'5 Works. igy about him ; that the chief End of Man was to drete well, and Death itfelf was not fo formidable as a D- habille. But whether does this Subject hurry mc? Ot how came that fowr A lonofv liable Death in our Pen 5; Way? Faith, Tarn, I dire trull my Though: no Ion ger with fo melancholy a Theme. So hoping you H be fo kind to your feif, as to confider more of this Matter, I am Votre tres bumble Serviteur. The Shoulder-knot Cabal meets to Morrow Night near St. James's, to do a lingular Act of Juftice, and to think of Ways and Means how to reftore thofe longmegle&ed Ornaments. Your Company is expe&ed there. To a young Lawyer that dabbled in Poetry, SIR, YOUR Friends in the Country, underflancfing, to their Grief, that you are infected with Verfe-making, by the fame Token that the Spots of Parmjfus have broke out upon you in feveral Love-Sonnets, and a Pindarick Ode upon the Peace, they have defir'd me, whom they knew to labour under the fame Diftemper formerly, to attempt your Cure, with the fame Profpect, I fuppofe, as the People of Spain and Italy employ the Priefts to ex- orcife the Devil, becaufe they are beft acquainted with him. Take it therefore for an undoubted Truth, that Law and Poetry are as incompatible as War and Plenty, and that the Lawyer and Poet can- no more inhabit in the fame Perfon, than a Beau and Chimney-fweeper. The Law propofeth Intereft for its End; and that Confidera- tion makes its Thirties palatable; but you'll find your feif damnably miftaken, if you think to advance your feif by the Mufes. After you Have fpenryour whole Age in their Service, you muft not expect to have yourN Arrears paid fo much as in Malt-Tickets or Exchequer Notes. They'll put you off to one Mrs. Tattle, alias Fame, the vcrvcfl Coquet that ever was ; and that prating Gofiip K a willi *9& A Supplement to will lham you with an Immortality-Ticket, foffootht which is not to become due to you 'till you are laid afleep in a Church-yard ; and neither you nor your Heirs will be a Farthing the better for it. What is worfe, the nine Sifters above-mentionM will hot only difappoint your Ex- pectations as to a Reward, but will engrofs all your Fa- vours, and fufrer no Rivals to interfere with them. Like the Eaji- India Women, they'll expect you fhould prove conftant, and bellow no Marks of Benevolence elfewhere, other-wife conclude to be poifon'd by them, and made unca- pable of any Thing elk ; and nothing, you know, is fo fu- rious as the Revenge of a difcarded Miftrefs. If you defiga to touch at the moft advantageous Port ia the Land of Poe- try, calTd the Theatre, confider how vifible the Dangers, and how unfuitable the Returns are. To pleafe the La- dies, you muft take Care to lard the Dialogue with Store of lufekms Stuff, which the Righteous call Bawdy : To pleafe our Reformers, you mull have none j otherwife gruff Jeremy will be upon your Bones. In fhort, a Poet has as hard a Task on't to manage, as a Paffive Obe- dience Divine that preaches before the* Commons on the 30th of January. Then, to fit with an aking Heart £0? three long Hours behind the Scenes, within an Inch of Damnation all the while, though you mould come off never fo victorious, can you imagine the Succeeding PJea= fure can make you Amends for fo much Pain and Angulfh ? JBut you fancy the Indies are lodg'd in Drury-La/ie, and that the Spanijb Plate-Fleet is not to be compar'd to a good third D.\y. To undeceive you then, the Theatre is not fo overftock'd with ungodly Mammon, as yoa may believe. Rablais- fome where faith, that the very Shadow of an Abbey -fleeple is enough to get a Woman with Child ; and 1 can- tefl 'you, for your Comfort, that the Shadow of the Theatre is flarving, and the Air of h as naturally produces Poverty, as that of the Hundreds in Effex begets Agues. There was a Woollen-draper in the Strand, that unhappily dream'd but of a Crn.lle- finiffer of the Houfe, who is at leall four Removes from a Poet, and the poor Fellow broke within a Week after. So then, if you have the Fear of Interell before your Eyes, (tick clofe to the Law, and let Poetry go to the De- vil. Tho. Brown'j Works* 199 vH. Ovid w2I be an everlafting Teflimony of this truth to all Ages of the World. His Father, like a wife old Gentleman, defign'd him for the Bar ; but the giddy Fop* flung up that Profeffion, and fet up for a Wit ; but ob- ferve, I befeech you, what he got by the Exchange. By fome of his foolifh Verfes he drew the Emperor's Dif- plwfure upon himfelf, who fent him a grazing, to teach- nim more Manners, and fo he liv'd a miferable Fugitive,- in partibus infidelium, where he had Leifure enough to curfe the verifying Planet which betray 'd him to thele Extremities. One or two perhaps in the Compafs of fix thoufand Years have made their Fortunes by it ; but is this any Encouragement for you to betake your felf to Apollo's high Road ? What Man of ordinary Senle would- . hazard his All in a Lottery, in Hopes of meeting a be- nefited Ticket, where he has Forty thoufand to One Odds againll him. Befides, Bufmefs and Poetry agree as ill- together as Faith and Reafon ; which two Latter, as has been judicioully obferv'd by the fam'd Tub-drubber oi Coven't Garden, can never be brought to fet their Horfes together. Thofe poor Rogues, that do Apollo'% Drud- gery, like the Servants that belong to Dr. Cb — *'s Land-- Office, muft ev'n take their Labour for their Pains > for Apollo and the Do&or pay no Wages ; ancT they agree in this too, that Paper pafles with both for reaay Mo- ney. On the other Hand, the Law has all the Baits you can think of to take you : Crowds of CHents to dance Attend- ance at your Chamber every Morning : Wealth perpetu- ally flowing in upon you, and all this attain'd with a few Qualifications ; nothing but a llrong pair of Bellows, call'd Lungs, and a Forehead of the Corinthian Order, are re- quired. So that if you abandon fo rich a Soil, to ftarve upon a barren Common, the very Stones in Wejlminjler- Hall, like the Blood of the Recorder's Horfes, will rife np in Judgment againft you. After all, if you are not Mafter of Philofophy enough to fet your felf at Liberty, ancT cannot entirely (hake off the rhiming Difeafe, let me* advife you, as a Friend, to trefpafsthat Way in private j let not your Miftrefs, nor fo much as your Bottle- Companion, know any Thing of the Matter ; but when the Writing- K.-4, K*r 200 A Supplement to Fit is upon ycu, do it with as much prudent Circunv fpeclion as difcreet Thieves when they are going to com- mit Burglary. Othenviie you rauft lie under the Scan- dal of being thought a difaffe&ed Man to Cook and Lit* tlctcn; and if that mould arrive to my Lord Chief Ju- ilice's Ears, good Night to your Pra&ice. This is all that I have at prefent to lay upon this Head, who am Tour moji bumble, Sec, 'A comical Letter out of the famous Monfieur de Colletier, to Mademoifelle de Choux, Madam, DI D you ever fee an Almanack in your Life ? You'll /ay this is an odd Queftion. I'll give you the Rea- son then why I ask'd it : There's an odd Sort of a Fel* low ufually piclur'd in it, Madam, with the Devil knows how many Darts in his Body. And what of him ? Cry you. Why, Madam, he's only a Type of your hum- ble Servant ; for that Son of a Whore Cupid has fo pink'd me all over with his confounded Arrows, that, by my Troth, I look like, — — - let me think, like what> like your Ladyihip's Pin-cufhion. But this is not all : Your Eyes had like to have prov'd more fatal to me, than Cupid and all his Roguery ; for, Madam, while I was Star-gazing t'other Night at your Window, full of Fire and Flame, (as we Lovers ufe to be) I dropt plumb in- to your Fiihpond, by the fame Token that I hifs'd like a red-hot Horfe-fhoe flung into a Smith's Trough. 'Twas a hundred Pounds to a Penny but I had been drown'd ; for thofe that came to my Affiftance, left me to fhift for my felf, while they fcrambled for boil'd Fifh that were as pentiful as Herrings at Rotterdam. Some of my Fellow- fuffcrers I caught, of which I intend to make an Offering to your Ladylhip, as well as of, Madam, Tour mojl devoted Slave, Colletier. r* T » oi Brown'; Works. zom, To Madam AS nothing is (o honourable as an ancient Friend- Ihip, fo nothing is fo fcandalous as an old Paf— iion. Undeceive yourfelf. Madam, of the falfe Merit of being faithfal, and take it for a certain Truth, that Gonftancy is the only Thing in the World that car. bring the Reputation of your Beauty in Queftion. Who knows whether you refolv'd to love but one Per- fon, or whether it was your Happinefs to find but one fingle Lover. Malicious People will' be apt to » fancy the latter. You vainly imagine that you prattife a Vertue, while, alas ! you make us fufpeft you have Defe&s we don't perceive* In the mean > Time, coniider how many Inquietudes accompany this pretended Vertue, and what a vaft Difference there, is between the Dif- gufts that an old' Engagement gives- us, and the plea-. fant Conflicts of a growing Paffion. In a new Amour we pafs every Hour . of the Day with new Satisfaction. *Tis an expreffibld Pleafure to find that our Love grows upon -US' every Minute; ■ but in a Paffion; of an old ftanding, our Time is fpcnt very uneafily,.in ftill loving. lefs, .or not loving at all. We may live well enough -with Perfons that • are in- different to us: either common Civility, good Man- ners, or the Cdnfideration that they may fometimes be ferviceable to us, may reconcile us to it ': But how mif erably do we pafs our Lives with them whom we love, when we find that we are not belov'd again ? I have only four Words more to fay to you,: and I will be fo free with you as to defire you to- make fome Reflection upon them. If you continue ftill to place ■ your Affection upon that which ought to difpleafe you, 'tis a Sign you have none of the bell Taftes ; and if you have not* Refolution enough to quit-that which makes you uneafy, 'tis a downright Weaknefs; you ought to put it into your Litany, and pray to be deliver 'd from it* K 5. Out: 201 A StfPPLIMTtfT ff Cut of the Reflexions of Monfieur Villiers. $0 his much efteenfd Friend, Monfieur— — , Jhewing the Difference between a young Lady and an old Hypocrite. l Remember that the laft Time I had the Honour of your Converfation , we happen'd to taHc of feve- ral Perfons that made a great (Mentation of their Pie- ty, and pafs'd for Saints in the Places where they li- ved, who, as we had juft Occafion to fyfpecl, by their over-acting the Farce, were downright Cheats 2f tru- ly examin'd. I was going to confirm thb with a Story that lately fell within my own Obfervation ; but hap- pen'd to be interrupted by the coming in of freflv Company, which put a Stop to the Difcourfe. How- ever, as it is worth your knowings I have given my felf the Trouble to fend you a full Account of it in this Letter. About a Month ago I had Occafion to travel into the Country with two Ladies, one of them a young Marchionefs, defcended of one of the nobleit Families in the Kingdom ; the other a Lawyer's Widow, about fifty Years old, who took the fame Title upon her, tho* the Meannefs of her Extraction, and her Husband's Em- ployment, that was none of the molt honourable, might have iecur d her> one would have thought, from fo ri- diculous a Temptation. But being left very rich, her own Vanity, and the Complaifance of her Friends, had made her a Marchionefs, and this was the Title fhe re- ceiv J d on all Occafions, and at laft challeng'd as her Due.. I had but little Acquaintance with either of them*, but I was engag'd in this Journey by a Friend; whofe Commands I could not well difobey, and who knew both thefe Ladies perfectly well. We were going to the Government of the young Marchionefs's Husband,, where fhe was expected, and Preparations were made on the Ro?.d for her Reception* the old' Marchionefs travelling only as her Companion ; tawevez, fhe hid hcj: Share of all; the Honours and Civ* iitios T ko. BTfco wn'j JVorhl* 203 ; lities that were paid to the other. - At the firfl City where we arrived, as foon as we had alighted out of the ■ Goach, the young Marchionefs was invited to a very plcafanc Walk without the Town ; and if being Sum- mer time, fhe embrae'd the Motion: But the old Lady - taking an Air of Authority upon her,, faid it would be much better to go to Church, and hear a good Sermon • there. The young Marchionefs told her, fhe might go thither if fhe pleas d, while fhe took a Walk. . This Anfwcr cruelly nettled -the Widow ; :but fhe diflembled I the Matter as well as fhe_ could, and, taking the next Way to the Church, /he denVd me -to bear her Com- pany thither. Altho' this Fit of Devotion feem'd fome- wnat unfeafohable to me, yet good Manners would not fufrerme to let her walk alone. So with her I went^, and all the Way had the Satisfaction to hear he* ventu her godly Spleen very plentifully at 'the young Marchio- nefs ; fhe told me a hundred reproachful Stories of her ; nay fhe did not forbear to cenfurc even -her. Conduct . This Language continu'd 'till' fhe came into the Church* Porch. I cdmir'd with my felf how it was pomble for fa > zealous a Sermon-Hunter to be fo damnable cenforious. All the while fhe was at Church, fhe made up; her- Mouth as demurely as. the belt of the Congregation ; as foon as it was oven mcre-afTum'd th© old Argument, . and rail'd on as fafl as her malicious Lungs would give - her leave, 'till we came to the young Marchionefs, who ? was itill walking in the Garden.. I had there - an Op- portunity to diicourfe the young Lady in private; and A to fatisfy my felf whether there had been any. former - Quarrel between them ; turn'd the. Converfation upon \ the old Marchionefs, of whom fhe fpoke in very obli- ging Terms, and i did not 'fay the leail Syllable of > her • that was difrefpe&ful. I then made, no Difficulty to .* conclude, that this formal Hypocrite, that was perpe- tually difgorging broken Ends- of Sermons* and pelting «- every Body that came near her with Texts of Scrip- ture, was nothing near fo vertuous at 'Bottom as the 1 young Lady, who kept her Devotion to herfelf; and : I made. a* thoufand Obfervations during this fhort Jour- ney, that fully. confirjR'd me in this Opinion. - 204 d Supplement to The young Marchionefs, who, as I told you before, made no great Noife or Buttle about her Religion, fpent but half an Hour at her Toilet, and always got rfifedy one of the firft for her Journey. The old Lady fpent no lefs than three Hours in ' tricking herfelf, and made the Company perpetually tarry for her. Our Religious Dame, for all her Pretences to Morti- fication, thought it no Sin to patch and paint her felf: The Marchionefs, content with her Face fuch as Hea- ven made it, fcornU to have R'ecourfe to fuch Arti- fices. The former mutt always have her Gellies> and Broths^ and. Caudles, and the Lord knows what, brought to her before fhe would venture her Carcafe out of Bed ; the latter never thought of eating 'till the very Mo- ment before fhe went into her Coach. The young Lady was always in good Humour,, fpoke well of every Body, was fatisfy'd with every Thing, and carefully avoided air the Complements and: Honours that were done her, in a Country where me was Miflrefs. On the other Hand, the old Marchionefs, who was a perfect Stranger in it, not only took every Occafion to receive them, but was always complaining that fhe had not Refpecl: enough paid her. The Beds were ne- ver goodeneugh for her, the Dinner never pleas'd her, the- Servants were always fawcy or negligent, the Bills un- reasonable, the Coach-man either drove too faft or too flow : Still fhe found, one Opportunity or another to vent her pious Indignation. No Body's Name could be mentioned to her, but Mill fhe found- fomething to blame in their Conduct. Then fhe was the moft imperious Devil alive to her Servants, none of her Women ever liv'd a full Fortnight with her. In fhortj fhe was eternally railing, cenfuring, and backbiting; but ftill fhe did. it with a godly Air, and in the Lan- guage cf the Old Tefhment. If any one now mould ask me the Queftion,. which of thefe two I thought to hive the moft Religion, I' ihould immediately declare my felf in Favour of the young- Tho. Brown'; Works* 205 young Marchionefs; and yet to fee how partially the World judges of Perfons, the young Lady paffes by com- mon Confent for a Woman that is wholly devoted to the World, and the other is univerCiIly taken for a Saint. Thus you fee how eifily the Worlcl is impos'd upon by a fair Outfide and glittering Apearance. 'Tis true, your Perfons of Senfe fee through thefe thin Difgui- fes, and are fenfible of the Cheat ; but where you meet one of that Character , you find ten thoufmd Fools that always affift to deceive themfelves. A Man of true Pie- ty, that has no Defigns to carry on, like one of an cfta- blifh'd Fortune, always make the leaft Noife. One ne- ver pulls out his Money, the other never talk* of Re- ligion, but when there's Occafion for it. This puts me in Mind of a PafTage that happen d t'other Day. I made a Vifit one Afternoon to Madam — — , where I found feveral City-Ladies of the firfl Magnitude. After a great deal of foolifh Chat about the Duty of Husbands, and the Infidelity of the Men, fome Body in the Room, by what Accident I have now forgot, trump'd up Silvius's Name, who you know- is a Man of great Merit, and has. the Happineft to be well receiv'd by the fair Sex. Says a flarch'd Piece of Formality, I' wonder how he comes to make fo many ConqueftV; bat for my Part, tho' he-fighrd a whole Age at my Feet, I am fure I mould never lofe a Moment's Repofe for him. I don't know the Gentleman, replies another Lady ; but if he is what the World represents him, I dare not anfwer to my Heart, that I could main- tain it long againft him. This latter fpoke her Senti- ments honeftly, and without Referve, whereas the o- ther was a diflembling Coquet, that had bury'd two- Husbands, and was looking out for- a third; and, if warmly attack'd, would, I dare anfwer for her; . fwaK low a Temptation without making wry Faces, as rea- dily as an- Ufurer does an Orphan; But tho* a good Reafon may be given why we have fo many Hypocrites in- Religion, when they make their Fortunesby.it, I could never comprehend the Myfte- ry, that the Generality of the World mould be fuch Afles, 206 A SUPPL'EMINT^ Afies, to value themfelvcs for Things that are appx rently fake. Lucius is the Grand-fon of a Chimney- fwecper, all" the World knows it, and yet the Sot values himfelf, . in all Companies, upon his noble Extraction, everlas- tingly talks of the Services which his Ancefters have ■ done the Publick.. Yet,, fays a Gentleman to hhn one: Day, finding him upon this Strain, the publick is obli- ged to your Anceftors, if it had. not been for them, Marts had been in Danger of burning more- than once, Stentor is one of the vileit Preachers that ever mur- der'd a Text: He has nothing but his Lungs and Impu- dence to recommend him : He had never Learning e- nough at the College to get him a Degree, nor Re- putation enough in the City to get twenty Auditors together to fit with him throughout; yet in all his Sermons this Infecl: quotes Fathers and Councils with as much AfTurance as if he knew them, and talks of no- thing but the valt Multitudes that i flock from all Quar- ters to hear him. JEmelia is ni* antiquated Maid, cenfonous and deforr- raed, me has often brib'd Midwives and Perfons to > proclaim her for a great Fortune, and twenty times given Money to bejoin'd in a Lampoon with twenty Sparks one after another, to try if fomething would come on't. But after all her Intriguing, me could ne- ver yet find any one Cully weak enough to marry her: : Yet fhe perpetually tells every one me fees-, what adr vantageous Matches me has refus'd. in her Time ; fuch a Lord languilh'd, and fuch a Knight run mad for her. And if you'll believe Captain Buff, . the King has not : dijpos'd of the Government of a Fort theie. twenty Years, but he has had the firft Offer of it. But I forget I am writing a Letter, and. have launch- ed into an Effay: Therefore I will end abruptly here, rather than trefpafs any longer . upon your .Patience, and - cwoly beg Leave to add that I am Viur meft bumlk ' Servant. ■ . Mi/cel* - Tho. Brown'j Works. 207 Mifcellaneous Letters. A L e t T e R to the Duke of Buckingham in York- fftire. Ms Lord, |N humble Servant of yours here in Townv Monf. Borne by Name, is fo fully fatisfy'd. of the Reality of your Reformation,, that he expreiles himfelfin thefe Terms to all that have the Honour to know you. 1 dare venture my own Salvation upon the fame Bottom, with that of the Duke of Buckingham**, fo firmly do I believe the Sincerity of his Converfion. Converiion, fays Mr. Waller to him, have a Care what you fay : People don't ufe to be converted now a-Daya fa eafily. This new Reformation you talk of in the Duke of 'Buckingham is owing neither to you nor me,, nor yet to any Man living. 'Tis a new Friend of his, but one that has been dead the Lord knows how many hundred Years ago, that has very lately brought about this miracubu*. Change that fo furprizes us. I mean Petronius Arbiter, the moll delicate Man of lrts Age* for Poetry, Painting and Mufick. One that perpetually, ftudy'd and'purfu'd Pleafure, one that turn- ed the Day into the Night, and the Night into the Day; but at the fame Time fo abfolute a Mailer of liimfelf, that whenever his Affairs required it, he was one of the moft. regular Men in the Univerfe. The Duke of Buckingham, who has long ago re- sembled, him: ifti a thoufand other Qualities, . was refol- 2o3 • A SlIP PL EM E N T td >ed of late to imitate him too in this. Thus I have fhown you, Monfieur Borne, from whence proceeds this Alteration in his Grace's Life, which you, it feems, have miftaken for a Convention. But with both thefe Gentlemen's Leave, I /hall ac- count for it after another Manner,. Tis a certain Maxim with me, that no' Man of a nice Palate can love Vice, when once it ceafes to be agreeable ; fo, for my Part, I don't wonder that a Per- fon of fo refin'd and delicate a Tafte as your Grace, takes up with the Vertue of Continence in the North, where you have no Objects to tempt and difturb you. Bat I dare engage that if we had you here in Town, and fhew'd you fome of our topping Beauties, that have Charms enough to conquer the moft infenfible, we fhould foon find the new Convert of Monfieur Borne, and Mr. Waller's new Petroni us, to be nothing in the World but the true genuine Duke ot Buckingham. Heaven forbid that I fhould ever be fo wickedly given, as to difTwade your Grace from fo comfortable a Quarter as Love. But I have another Sin to propofe to you, which of your felf you would never guefs, and I yet I recommend it fmcerely to you, and from the Bot* torn of my Heart. I confefs, it has a Scurvy Name, and the World calls it Covetoufnefs ; however, it would be of more Advantage, to your Grace, than the Wif- cfom of "Philofophers, and the Glory of Conquerors,, To be fhort, I mould rather chufe to fee your Grace copy any of : the Heroes in Loiribard-ftreet, than either Socrates or Ctfar. "Where the Difficulty is great, the Merit of. furmountmg it is -great. Now all the World knows that, your Grace will find ' it infinitely more troublefome to you to imitate the former, than the two latter Genthmen. As we don't all on the fudden arrive to the Heighth of Perfection, I am not fo vain as to expect you fhould pradtife alL the Rules of Oeconomy at firft Sight, nor fomorofe as to advife you to deny yourself every Thing amongft fo great an Affluence as furrounds you. All I beg of your Grace, is, that you would have a watch- ful Eye upon your City Friends, that have the finger- ing Tho. Brow'n'j Works. log ing of your Money, to keep them honeft in fpite of themfelves. For unlefs, out of Tenderncfs to their Souls, you hinder them from playing the Knaves, I dare iwear for them th.it they would venture Damnation a hundred Times a Day, and all in your Grace's Ser- vice. And now if you think it worth your while, when you come next to London, to bring a fmall Retinue with you, but a great deal of Money in your Pocket, you will certainly be the Wonder of the whole Nati- on. If you neglect this Advice, the greater Part of the World will never be for you, and you mult con- tent your felf with a few Admirers in private, oi whom I /hall always be firit, who am, Tour mofl bumble Servant. A Letter to the Dutchefs u/Mazarini; Out of French. T Have prefum'd, Madam, to fend you fome Advice, tho* I am fenfibk hew little you Ladies ore to re- Ceive any. But let the Effect, be what it will, I am too much in the Intereft of your Beauty, not to in- form you, that you'll injure it extreamly, ihould you be fo ill advifed as to fet off and adorn your felf after the Fafhion of the Court-Ladies on the Queen's Birth-Day. Let others of your Sex make Ufe of Or- naments ; for, properly fpeaking, they are but fo many artificial Helps, which we employ to cover the Defects of Nature, or elfe to give us fome Agreements that are wanting in our Perfons. But, Heaven be praifed, Madam, you lie under no fuch Neceffity : Every Or- nament that is beftow'd upon you, hides a Charm, as every Ornament that is taken from you, reftores you fome new Graces; and you are never fo lovely, as when we behold nothing in you but your {c\f. The greateft Part of the Ladies lofe themfelves very advantageoufly under their Drefs. How many indif- ferent Faces pafs well enough with Jewels and Dia- monds, €io A Supplement/* monds, and conquer Hearts by Candle-light, that would make a very forry Figure without them. The rich- eft Necklace in the World would have- an ill Effect upon you. It would make fome Alteration' in- your Perfon, and every Alteration that happens to a perfect Beauty, would certainly be for the woffe, Leave others then to ruin themielves by their Jew- els, and other Decorations ; Nature that has been at i'o vaft an Expence to frame you, has fav'd' you that Charge. You, Madam, would be very ungrateful, and. we mould difcover but a wretched Tafie, mould we not be equally content with that Profuiion cf Gifts flic has heap'd upon you. I would counfel you, Madam, to take the fame Meafures on her Majefty's Birth-Day, which the fa- mous BuJ/y d* Amboife formerly obferv'd at a Tourna- ment. Being inform'd before-hand, that all the No- blemen of the Court defign'd to put themfelves to an extraordinary Expence in their Equipages and CJoaths, he order'd thofe of his Retirkie to be drefs'd like Lords, and appeared himfelf in the plaineft Drefs in the World, at the Head of io rich a Train. The Advantages of Hnfore v.cj-e fo confpicuous in the perfon of Bujfyt tn'A he alone was taken for a great Lord, and the o- ther Notle;T.en, that rely'd fo much upon the Mag- nificence of their Hunts, pafVd but for Valets. Govern yourfelf, I befeech you, Madam, by the Ex n pic of Bqfy : Let your Women be attir'd like Du: rhefffc*, but as for your felf, appear in the ordina- ry Dreft of a Country Nymph, with nothing but the Charm? of vour Beauty to recommend you. All the Ladies v ill be taken for your Women, and the Plain- nefs of yo.r Hal it will not hinder you from out-mi- ning afl the Queens in the Univcr.e. I have no great Inclination to tell Stories, which, perhaps i? nothing but the Effeft of an ifl-grounded Vanity, that m. j -kcs me prefer the exprefling of what I inngine, co the reciting of what I have feen. The Profelhon of a Storv-teller fits but awkardly upon young People, and is downright Weaknefs in old Men. When our Wit is not arriv'4 to im due Vigour, or whea* T h o. Brown^ Works. 2 1 1 when it begins to decline, we then take a Pleafure in telling what does hot put us to any great Expence of Thought. However, I will for once renounce the Pleafure which I generally take in my own Imagina- tion, to recount to you a fhort Adventure, which I once faw happen at the Hague. During my Residence in that Place, fome malicious Damon put it one Day into the Head of a certain Count and his Friend, to draw the Eyes of the Spectators after them. To put wliich noble Delign in Executi- on, they both refolv'd that their Drefs mould have all the Magnificence which this Part of the World was a- ble to give it, and at the fame Time difcover the Good- nei's of their Invention. The Count, who was one of the niceft Men of his Age, had a thoufand Singularities to diftinguifh lam. He had a Plume of Feathers in his Hat, which was button 'd up by a Diamond, the hrgeft that could be found for this Occafion : He wore about his Neck fome Point de Fenije, which was neither a Cravat nor a Band, but a fmall Ruff, which had ferv'd him formerly inftead of a Golilh when he liv'd at Madrid. After this, Madam, you would expert Co find him in a Doublet, after the Spa nip manner, but, to your Sur- prize, I muft tell you, it was an Hungarian Veil. Then the Ghoft of Autlqulry haunted his iviCvMiy, he co- vcr'd his Ancles with Buskins, but infinitely richer than the ancient Romans us'd to wear them, on which he had order'd his Mlftrefs's Name to be written in Letters that were extreamly well defignd upon an Em- broidery of Pearls. From his Hat down to his Veil 'twas all lingular, and odd, and fanciful: By the latter you would have taken him for the Count de Scriui, or fome Beau of Quality, dropt out of the Hungarian World ; and an old Picture of C&far or Scipio had inipir'd him with the noble Thought of wearing Buskins. As for his Friend, he had apparell'd himfelf after as extraordinary a manner as he polfibly could, but it was in the modern French Way : His Cravat reachM down to his Middle, and had Scuff enough in it, to make a Sail for 212 A Supplement to for a Barge. A moll prodigious Crav it-firing peep'd from under his Chin, the two Corners of which, in Conjug- ation with a monftrous Perriwig, that would have nude a Laplander fweat under the Northern Pole, eclips'd three quarter.- of his Face. In mort, he was fo be-ribbon'd all over, that one would have thought all the Milliners in the place had join'd their Stocks to furnifh him. This, in mort, was the Equipage of cur Mejjteurs % when they made their Appearance in the Focrbokt, which is the Phce where Perfons of Quality ufe to take the Air, and divert thcmfelves. They were fcarce enter'd upon the Spot, when Mul- titudes ran from all Hands to gaze and flare at them; and as every Body was furpriz'd at fo Jantaftick a Scene, they could not tell at frfl whether to admire it as extra- ordinary, or to ridicule it as extravagant. In this un- certainty of thought, as they were going to determine it one way or another, Monf. de Louvtgni arriv'd in the Place, and put a Hop to their grave Contemplation. He wore a plain black Suit, and clean Linnen made up the reft ; but then he fhew'd one of the finefl Shapes and jnoft agreeable Face that can be imagin'd : His modeft Deportment filently infmuated the Merits of all his excel- lent Qualities. Having thus defcrib'd his Charms to you, 'tis no difficult Matter to guefs how the Company receiv'd him : The Ladies were touch'd, and the Men were infi- nitely pleas'd. In fhort, Madam, all the Spectators were as much affecled, as the poor Count and his Friend were mortify 'd, to their great Diuppointment. People Hill remember at the Hague how triumphantly Monf. de Louvigny came off, and ftill make Sport with telling the ill Succefs of the two aforeftid Gentlemen. I need not give my fclf the Trouble, Madam, to make a formal Application of this Story to you, who have a Judgment fo exquifitely nice and difcerning. Let my Advice meet with what Entertainment it will, none of your Subjects prays fo heartily for your long and happy Reign over us, as, Madam, Tour mcjl humble Servant, Sec. Th<\ Brown'j Works. 213 To. Haines in Tenance : Or 9 bis Recantation-Prologue, at his afting of Poet Bays in the Duke of Buckingham 's Play call'd The Rehearfal. Spoken in a white Sfaet, zvith a burning Taper in his Hand, upon his Admittance into the Houfs after his Return from the Church of 'Rome, Written by T. Brown, for bis Friend Jo. Haines. {^j^5g3 S you diflike the Converts of the Nation, W> A §8 That went to / And more ridiculous than any of you ; C A Miracle from Rome, 1 thought, might do. J> ISefides, I left ye, all defign'd for Rome ; But feeing ye came not over, I came Home : For I, like you, rinding my felf miftaken, Did early tack about, to fave my Bacon. Poxon't! - At 214 A Supplement t$ At Rome, a godly part they made me play ; A damn'd unnatural one to me, you'll fay .♦ They vvou'd not let me roar, or rant, or fwear, ~} But fobb'd me off with Penitence and Prayer, J* Guefs how that Penance relifh'd with a Player, «j That ever any Player mould have the Face Thus to pretend to fuch a Thing as Grace ! 'Tis very hard, indeed, th' Italian Nation Should put this Phiz a little out of Fafhion ; But yielding Nature, and this tempting Face, Confirms me Flcfh and Blood in fpite of Grace : Therefore, dear loving Sifters of the Pit, Again your Brother Runnagade admit, And don't defpife me now becaufe I've liv'd Where fawcy Boys claim your Prerogative. No, Sifters ; no, ■ I ne'er turn'd Heretick, in Love at lead; # Twas decent Whoring kept my Thoughts Mill chafle : But you, kind Sirs ! who here are daily known, ^ To love all Whores but her of Babylon, V Will never damn Jo. Haines for his Religion. j Well, Sirs! B'ing thus confefs'd, and free from all Pollution, I beg from your kind Hands my Abfolution. Tho. Brown'j Recantation of his Satin en the French King. Supposed by fome to be written by Mr. Brown, tho* /aid by others to be written by a Nonjuring-Parfon. Facit Reeantatio Verfum. AN D has this Bitch, my Mufe, trapan'd me ? Then I'm as much undone as can be j I knew the Jilt would never leave me 'Till to a Prifon fhe'd deceive me : Curft. be the Wretch, and fure he's curft. That taught the Trade of Rhiming firft : 'Tis a damn'd Trade, and who purfues it, I'll pafs my Word, atlaft, lie rues it : Hunt? Tho. Buown'j Works. 215 Homer and Virgil were but Tools, Fit only for the Uie of Fools. And Horace too, with all his Art, To Men of Senfe not worth a Fart : Even Cafaubon for Satire famous, "Was but a jingling Ignoramus. And all the reft, to Ben, and fo forth, A Crew of ufelefs things of no Worth : But now I have np Time to rail, Alas ! alas ! I'm now in Jayl ; My Wits are rather on the Wrack To fave my own Poetick Back : Yet, by the Way, 'tis very hard, Poet*, of all Men, fhou'd be barr'd From lab'ring in their proper Station ; Why, wherc's the JuiHce of the Nation? Believe me, Sirs, as I am a Sinner, I writ that Satire for a Dinner : And ftampt it with a Parfon's Name, Not as I meant them any Shame, But lince I muft the Matter tell, 1 thought Would make the Paper fell : By all that's Good, and all th.it true is, I ever lov'd and honour'd Lezvis : He's Great and Wife : more could I fay, But fear again to difobey ; And for his Priefts, I here proteft, I value them like all the relt : And tho* I curft them all, what then ? The Men are honeft harmlefs Men. Next for King James and Prince of Wales 9 I always wifh'd them happy Gales-; And for my fawcy naming Molly^ I own 'twas Impudence and Folly. Laftly, for naming the Non-Juror, "Why that was but Poetick furor, f know I have ungrateful been ; *Twas raging Hunger drew me in T' abufe thofe very Friends that have Almoft preferv'd mc from the Grave 5 They're 2i6 A Supplement// They're honeft Men, mark what X fa/, If I love any Prieits, 'tis they. I now confefs 'tis highly bafe, T' irifult the Gown in fuch a Cafe : And could the thing be done again, I'd itarve before I'd wrong fuch Meii What mall I fay, I here recant, And own my felf a Sycophant : But, oh \ I fear that will not do, A thoufand difmal thoughts perfue. I'm all in Pain, and let me tell ye, My BaGk begins to curfe my Belly : I'm juft as if at Cart's- Arfe ty'd, With Hangman grinning by my Side, And Mob of all Sorts crowding round me, Advifing Ketcb to fwinge me foundly ; And what torments me worfl of all, Methinks that fome among them bawl, 'Tis he that for a Crown to fpend, Reviles crown'd Heads, betrays his Friend. All this, 'tis true, I well deferve, And yet 'tis very hard to ftarve ; So that if things were rightly ftated, Part of my Sentence might be bated : I was of Poppin's-Allty Chief, 'Till fore'd from thence to feek Relief ; And to avoid fome dang'rous Rogues, Took fheJter among Pedagogues. 'Twas then, like the Sicilian King, Under ftritt Laws I Boys did bring ; And tho' I was but a Vice-Roy, I cou'd command the chiefelt Boy : But here a little Time was fpent, Before I left my Government, Was charg'd with Male-Adminiftration, And fo pull'd down from regal Station. To Town again difgrae'd I came, For now 'tis vain to hide my Shame ; Where fince I fharp'd, and fpung'd, and tick d, Being always fcorn'd, and fonetimes JucVd. And Tho. Brown'; Works. nj And yet the worft is ftill behind, Oh ! hear me but, and you'll be kind. For three long Weeks my Mufe and I Had been fhut up in Garret high : The Caufe, I think, I need not tell Poet with P convertible ; While thus I lay in defperate State, In comes a Bawd, whofe Name was Kate; A rampant Jade, where once I tabled, Who finding me of Strength difabled, Not Vows nor Promiies could fave me, But off me tears the deaths me gave me. And thus of Coat, e'en Shirt bereft, Poor naked Torn in Bed was left. In this moft fharp and ftrange Diflrefs, 'Twas then I thought on fruity Befs; Who, tho' I knew me was but poor, \I always found a faithful Whore : Vo her, without a long Petition, Pbriefly told my fad Condition. B-tit I forgot to tell you how With hot Ox-cheek, and Heel of Cow, With Trotters neat, and Tripe like Jell/, She oft had fill'd my empty Belly. And one Thing more I hid forgot, Hot Furmety and Rife -Milk hot She never let me want ; for why, It was her Trade the fame to cry. I thought (poor Fool) fhe'd pity me, Who thus refolv'd to fet me free. With twenty-pence which me had got, And Shillings Four, for Loan of Pot, To fome convenient Bulk fhe hies, And there a Coat and Breeches buys ; The want of Shirt too, to fupply, Sends me her Smock, tho' hardly dry. And more, to fit me out compleat, For t'other Three -pence buys a Cheat. When thus equipp'd, Abroad I venture> Hoping on Subjects new to enter ; • Vol IV, L But 2 1 8 ^Supplements But all my Hopes prov'd vain, God wot, Befs ft ill mull want her Porridge- Pot. My Belly too grows lank, for me Had no Rice-Milk nor Furmety. All Friends I try'd, not one was willing To credit me with one poor Shillings In this Diftrefs, without adviling, I fell to curfcd Satyriiing. Oh ! pity me, or I am loft, Far worfe thin when in Blanket tofs'd ; And if this Time I'm fpar'd from whipping, If e'er again you catch me tripping, May all the Plagues that e'er befel A Poet poor, on this Side Hell, Sieze me at once, and may I be A publick Mark of Infamy i May all my Whores and Duns o'ertake me, And all my Friends (even Befs) forfake me : And may the P , with w r hich I ftruggle, Join'd with the Gout, afflict me double: May I at laft by Inches die, Firft lofe my Nofe, and then an Eye ; And when I'm dead, then may I have A juft Memento on my Grave. An E L E G Y Supposed to be written by Stephen Switch, upon Dobbin a Coach-Horfe, who depart- ed this Mortal Life on Saturday the Stb of April. OH ! cruel Death! whofe Rage without Remorfe is, Why fhould'ft thou perfecute poor harmlefs Korfes ? Whofe righteous Blood, as laid a Spokefman wife, Againft thy Malice will in Judgment rife. Qn i Tho. Brown'j W;, 219 Ort Courtiers thouM my Le.ive to be fevere# For now and then I grudge thee not a Peer; Spiritual and Temporal, no Matter whether, Or a whole Corporation take together. Such Gain, methinks, might thy keen Stomach flay, Confidering thou'dil a Whale the other Day, Then, why the Plague mull thou on Horfe-Jlejh prey ? It grieves my Confcience, and diflurbs my Quiet, To fee thee giv'n to fuch Tartarian Diet. Poor two-leg'd Beafts thou think'ft not worth a Groat, "} ^ But into Porter's foolifli Sport art got, > And mull be playing at All-Fours, God wot. j Were I t'advife a Dinner for thy Palate, A well-cram'd Prieil mould ferve inflead of SaUad, Fat Draymen's Chines mould be a (landing Dim : I'd have an Admiral, when I din'd on Fiih. If nought but tender Morfels wou'd go down, Commend me to a Lady of the Town ; But for the choice -tough Bit t* employ the Maw, I'd take a Scriv'ner, or a Man of Law. But thou'rt, I find, a Stranger to good Breeding, And dofl not know the Methods of good Feeding. Oh! Dobbin, thou wert hurry'd off the Stage, Jull in the prime and Vigour of thy Age. Howe'er, dear Beaft, 'tis to thy Friends fome Eafe, Thou feirft by a Right Worfhipful Difcafe. Inflead of Clyfler, Balls, and Farriers Phyfick, Thy Days, alas! were fhorten'd by the Ptifick. And all Men know (I fpeak it without fcoffing) That many an Alderman has dy'd of Coughiqg. But if Heav'ns Juflice will endure Infpeflion, What had thy Lungs done to deferve Infection ? For I can fwear thou ne'er had'ft the Ambition, To talk Profanenefs, Bawdy, or Sedition. Once more farewel, my dear belov'd Quadruped, The Lofs of thee has plainly made me flupid. I knew thy Dad, thy Mother, and thy Grandfir, But thou return'fl to my Complaint no Anfwer. No Hugmatee, nor Flip, my Grief can {mother j I lov'd thee, Dobbin^ better than my Brother. t a Since 22o A Supplement to Since then fo lame my Mufe, fa dull my Wit is, I'll have thy Epitaph compos'd by Pittis. To Mr. Jufiice Higden, upon the ill Succefs of his Play.. NO longer your expected Play conceal, But to a more impartial Court appeal. The Righteous few, true to the Caufe of Wit, Will foon reverfe the Sentence of the Pit. Why mould their Cenfure Men of Senfe alarm ? Thole Sons of Muggleton can do no Harm. The Wit, that oft their Malifee dooms, Outlives its Judges, nay, outlafts their Tombs. Thus 'twas my Fate to vifit once a Friend, Whom dire foreboding Omens did attend : The Doctor tells him, Sir, your Hour is nigh, Send for the Parfon, and prepare to die. In vain the help of Phyfick you implore, Art has been try'd, but Art can do no more. With this the angry Patient rais'd his Head, And, Doctor, do you then conclude me dead ? Peace, you grave Sot, elfewhere your Cant bellow, 1'Jl bury half the College e'er I go. And fpite of that learn'd Phiz, and rev'rend Beard, Will live to fee your Rafcalfhip interr'd. Thus he run on, and as his Stars decreed, Was foon from his unkind Diitemper freed : Left his vain gaping Kindred in the Lurch, And faw'ihe Velvet Fop born decently to Church. To the fame, upon his Play's being damn'd, for having too much Eating and Drinking in it. FR : end Harry, fome furious Pretenders to thinking, Say thy Play is incumber'd with Eating and Drink- (ing, That too oft in all Confcience thy Table's brought out, And unmerciful Healths fly like Hail-lhot about. Suck Tho. Brown'j Works. 22T1 Such a merry Objection who e'er could expert, That dee? on the Town, and its P!e mires reflect ? Are a Dim and a Bottle grown quite out of Fafhion ? Or have the fprtfee Eeais found a new Recreation ? Elfe why fliovld thefe Fops be fo monftrous uncivil, As to d.unn at a Pby what they like at the Devil? Upon /per/ecu ting it with Cat-calls. Vy H E N to Mjlocb o£ old, by Way of Oblation, Any J.em of his Son made a wicked Donation ; The Priefthood with Trumpets and Drums made a Noife, To ftifle his Groans, and extinguish his Cries. Thus our fierce modern Heroes, thofe Jews of the Pit, When to damn a poor Author's Attempt, they think fit, With Cat-calls fo dreadful the Houfe they alarm, Left the Wit of the Play mould their Fury difarm , Howe'er, they may pafs with the reft of the Nation, Tho' their Malice I blame, I recommend their Diilretion, For 'tis but convenient, you'll readily own, That the Beaft mould perform what the Man would (difown. A Paftoral on the Death of Queen Mar y. C H E'sgone the brighter!: Nymph what Blefs'dthe Green, No more the Beauty of her Eyes is feen. Who can from Grief's Extremities refrain, Or in due Bounds the fwelling Tide contain ? Who can behold this difmal Scene pafs by With an unmov'd and unrelenting Eye ? London ! thou Pride and Glory of our Ifle, Tho in thy Bofom both the Indies fmile; Oh ! ne'er forget that unaufpicious Day, Which thy beft Treafure rudely fnatch'd away; Thy bufy Change be for a Seafon dumb, No fawcy Mirth within thy Manfions come; Let all thy Sons in mourning Weeds appear ; Each Face fhew Sorrow, and each Eye a Tear. L 3 T'cxprcfl 222 .//Supplement to T' exprefs their Duty, let all Hearts combine, And on this black, this fad Occafion join. Mourn> drooping Britain, mourn from Shore to Shore, Thy beft beloved MARIA is no more. Ye beauteous Virgins, that in moving Strains Were ufed to fing her Vertues en the Plains : Ye Shepherds too, who out of pious Care, Taught ev'ry Tree MJRlA's Name to wear ; Your rural Spcrts and Garlands lay afide, This is no Time for ornamental Pride ; But bring, oh ! bring the Treafures of your Fields, That fhort-liv'd Wealth which unbid Nature yield?, The mourning Hyacinth infcrnVd with Wo^, The beauteous Lillies that in Valleys grow, And all the Flowers that fcatter'd up and down, Or humble Mead or lofty Mountains crown ; Then gently throw them all upon her Herfe j To thefe join lafting Bays and living Verfe. Mvurn, drooping Britain, mourn from Shore to Shore, Thy beft belovd MARIA is no more. Ye dauntlefs Hearts, that for your Country's Good All dangers fcorn, and wade thro' Seas of Blood, Jn heavy Silence march around her Tcmb, And then lament your own and England's Doom : For Death has by this fingle Stroke done more Than when (ten Thoufand flainj he ftalks in Gore. Ye penlive Matrons, who by Fortune croft, In foreign Fields have dear Relations loft, Now give a free and open Vent to Grief, Banifh all Hopes, and think of no Relief; That bounteous Princefs, who fojuftly knew "What was to blooming Worth and Merit due, Who as flie lov'd on Valour ftill to fmile, Ne'er faii'd to recompenfe the Soldier's Toil; Is now (malicious Fate wou'd have it i'o) Hurry'd, alas ! to the dirk Shades below. Mourn, drooping Britain, mourn from Shore to Shore, Thy bejl beloved MARIA is no more. Ye miter'd Head-, and likewife you that wait Upon the Altar in a lower State, Be- ThO; FROWNS Worfor- 223 Bewail the Loft of Co divine a Prize, And open all the Sluces of your Eyes. Rome's gaudy Pomps her Mind could ne'er allure ; Firm to her Word, and in her Faith fecure. The facred Scriptures were her daily Care, Her only Exercife and Food, was Prayer. Where can we now fo great a Pattern find? Where can we meet fo bright, fo pure a Mind ? Mourn, drooping Britain, mourn from Shore to Shore, Thy beft belcz'd MARIA is no more. But tho' proud Fate has done her utmoft. Spite, And bury'd all her Hopes in endlefs Night ; Tho' rav'nous Death has fiez'd the richefl Prey That ever did a regal Scepter fway ; Her Name fhalllive, and Hill continue fair, Fragrant as rich Arabia \s Spices are : While Albion in triumphant State fhall reign Queen of the Tfles, and Goddefs of the Main. While Silver Thames in wanton Folds (hall play, And Tribute to the Britijh Ocean pay : While haughty Lewis fhall remain abhorr'd, And William be by all the World ador'd. Our grateful Tongues her Vertues fhall proclaim Thro* all the diftant Provinces of Fame : Still in our Hearts fhall chaft MARIA reign, Tho' dead, her Station there fhe fhall maintain. Then Shepherds leave at laft your mournful Lays, And turn your Songs of Grief to Songs of Praife. Prologue to a Mufick Speech in the, Theatre at Oxford. WEll ! for a careful provident Bawd, fey I, Give ny Mother-Univerfity. Blefs us ! how neatly has fhe rank'd you here, *} Where drawn in Love's Battalia, you appear, ' > The Black, the Brown, the Fair, and the not Fair. 3 I muft confefs the Cafe is alter 'd now, From what your narrow fulfome Box could lhow. 224 ^SUPPLEMEN T*tO A Mufick Room ! a fitter Name 'twould prove, Call it a Stove, a Bathing Tub of Love, Where fweiting Scholar faints, and knows not why, .And melting Tallow-Chandler drips hard by, And all this Heat from Love, or elfe July. But now you're welcome hither, in this Row Painting does in its full Perfection mow, Streter above you, Ladies here below. Did not fuch Malice in your Beauties reign, We yet might hope a Golden Age again : When Nature taught her untold Tale of Love, And Paffion from a ragged Gow T n could move. But now thofe Days are gone, and faucy Art, Mimick of Nature^ acts the nobleft Part. E'en Paffion is fuccefsful in this Age, Unlefs fet off by Love's high Equipage. The ruffling Pantaloon declares the Flame, And the well-ty'd Cravat-ftring wins the Dame. Plain Lovers, like plain Linnen, e'er caftiier'd, In whofe behalf no Point has e'er appear'd : "What Hopes then have unhappy we to pleafe, Whom niggard Stars made not fo vain as thefe ? s, Alas ! we hate your gentle ftinking Water, Loath diflill'd Oils, but thofe of Mother Nature. This knew our Fates, and plac'd us in a Town "Where Beauty is fo thin, fo rarely fown ; The Nymphs o'th Fleece, and the three Gates go (down. Like homely Peafants us'd to wholefome Meat, When Love invites us to your fplendid Treat ; We'll gape and gaze, and make no hearty Meal, Give us our fturdy Beef and Mutton ftill. But let us not defpair, I'll lead the Van. And tho' I proudly fay't, we Scholars can, Altho' not act the Fop, yei play the Man. "We'll run at all, and freely take our Lot, From the fair Wale op down to foul Btfs Scot } n Tho. Brown'j Works. 215 The EPILOGUE. * S from a darkened Room fame Optick Glafs ■** Tranfmits the diftant Species as they pafs ; The World's large landfkip is from far defcry'd, And Men contracted on the Paper glide. Thus crowded Oxford reprefents^Mankind, And in thefe Walls Great Britain feems confin'd: Oxford is now the publick Theatre, And you both Audience and Actors are : J The gazing World on the new Scene attend, Admire the Turns, and wifh a profprous End. Oxford, the Seat of Peace, the quiet Cell, Where Arty, remov'd from noify Bus'nefs, dwell ; Should calm your Minds, unite the jarring Parts, And with a kind Contagion fieze your Hearts. O ! may its Genius, like foft Mufick move, And tune you all to Concord and to Love. Our Acts which has in Tempeil long been tofs'd, Could never reft on fo fecure a Coaft. From hence you may look back on civil Rage, And view the Ruins of the former Age. Here a new World its Glories may unfold, And here be fav'd the Remnant of the old: But while our Thoughts on publick Cares are bent, Paft Ills to heal, and future to prevent, Some vacant Hours allow to your Del-ght; . '} Mirth is the pleafing Bus'nefs of the Night, >• The King's Prerogative, the Subjects Right. 3. Were all your Hearts to fallen Cares confin'd, The Body would be wary'd by the Mind. 'Tis Wifdom's Part, betwixt Extreams to fleer. Be Gods in Senate, but be Mortals here. Upon Mr. Creech'.? 'Tranf^ation ^/Lucretius, . L E T not the Tbracian Bard admire, Whofe powerful Strains the lift'ning Stones infpitev •• L 5 TU* m6 A Supplement to To keep juft Meafures with his Lyre : Tho' taught by his commanding Harmony, The Beafts forgot their native Cruelty, And to a univerfal Peace did jointly all confpire. 2 Thy facred Hand does more, That does Lucretius again reftore, Who was a mighty Solitude before: His rolling Atoms now we fee, In Squadrons and juft Meafures lie, Even in Confufion now appears juft Symmetry. 3 Nought but a heiv'nly Hand could make Thefe Atoms their old Nothing forfake, And a true decent Order take : Thy charitable Hand has greater Wonders done, And has Lucretius his own Errors mown : Our modern Atheift grieves to fee His belov*d Sins fo lanYd by thee, That do'ft in this deferve e'en of Pofterity. What Trophies can thy Victory out do, That triumph'ft o'er the prefent Times, the paft, and future too? Algern. Sidney'j Letter of Advice to his Friend concerning the Education of his Son. By T. B. Since 'tis your only ftudy, and your Care, How to diipofe of Bob, your Son and Heir, I'll give you my Advice, Sir, in this grand Affair, If Bab's ingenious, and a Boy of Parts, Do' not debauch him with the liberal Arts. Thofe jilting Whores inftead of Silk „and Sattin, "} Equipt in Linfey-Woolfey, Greek, and Latin, > Will fpoil his Fortune if they once come at him. J> But if he is mercurially inclin'd, Of Wit fagacious, and heroic Mind, He'd beft purfue thofe honourable Courfes Of picking Pockets, and of taking Purfes; And } Thov Brown' j Works. 22? And I'll prefcribe the Lad a fafe and true Gate, How to avoid the dreadful Path of Newgate ; Left bloody Judge and Jury fhould tranfport The Boy to 'Tyburn. Send him to the Court ; Where, in a Fortnight's Time he'll learn his Cue, Under To pick the Pockets of a free-born Nation, In furnifhing two Dimes for Collation : Like learned Cooks, as all Men grant they are, To make the felf-Jame Sawce to Peace and War. What better are we for this boafted Quiet, If we muft pawn our Birth-right for our Diet ? But fince it is by Providence decreed, That liberty and Property muft bleed; This only Comfort will their SufFrings eafe, That, like good Chriftians, they depart in Peace. You cannot, Sir, do better for your Lad, Than bind him an Apprentice to this Trade: The King's his Surety, and will mot neglect him* But with a Standing- Army Hill protect him. Yet if Bob\ Talent lie not in his Brains, Make him a Parfon, Neighbour, by all Means, His Road unto Preferment, Sir, is chaulk'd, In all my Life I ne'er knew Blockhead baulk'd. As rankeft Weeds in richeft Soil are found, So Spiritual Hemlock thrives in Holy Ground. The Church and State, like Sharpers, cry out Halves, One claims the Fools, the other all the Knaves. Thus, Sir, I've fhewn you how your Son may rife, But do as feemeth good in your own Eyes.: For if your Englilh Stomach can't digeft The rav'ning Courtier, or the Jackal Prieft, Teach him yourfelf, and let the Son inherit His Father's Acres, and his Father's Merit : E'er Senfe, that, like Aurora, does make Way For brighter Reafon, the enfuing Day, With Noll's great Image fill his dawning Sou^ His fancy flatter, and his Judgment rule. May's Action's fuit unto his Country's Fame, And keep the Rebel in thz. EngHJb Name. Let 228 The Character of a Let him, like me, all Monarchy oppofe, And pluck the Idol by his Roman Nofe. Your Servant, Algernon Sidney. P. S. Your old Friend Mr. Ludlow*?, in good Health, And hopes to live to fee a Common-wealth. A CHARACTER OF A Low -Church Magiftrate. Have at laft, with much Difficulty, pro- cured you a Copy of the Character of a La~ titudinarian, anatomiz'd, which you have fo long, and with fo much Importunity de- fired of me. All I can learn from the Pa- per is, that the Author calculated it for the Meridian of 7crk, as I take it, ( the Magiftrate of which Place in the Year 44, was a famous Ambidexter) and that it will e- qually ferve for any Corporation within his Majefty's Do- minions ; but I will not detain it from you any longer. A Laiitudirtarian is a walking Amfterdam of Religions, out of whom all the Ancient and Modern Herefies might be eafily retrieved, though the Volumes of Epiphanius and Rcjs were loft. He thinks no part of the Church facred but the Weather-Cock, and honours the Memory of him that invented a Windmill, becaufe it can grind indif- ferently with Eaft, Weft, North, and South. He talks much Low-Church Magistrate, 229 much of Mo If ration, yet is as hot as one of his own Cuftards, and as Cholerick as a Hafty-pudding ; he's as Pofitwe in his own fingle Self, as an AfTembly of fplay- mouth'd Divines ; Geryov and Cerberus were only Types of him, but though he has three Heads, viz. An L: e- fendant, a Presbyterian, and a Church of England Moid, yet he has net Brains to furnifli any one of them. By his Wijdom and Gravity one would think he had Z Ears ; but ^is certain he has none, for he is deaf to the Cries of the Poor, and though he devours Widows and Orphans at a Morfel, yet he has no Bowels. His Conr Jcience is as unaccountable as a Modern Hypothecs, which fpares Cockle-fhels in Noah's Flood, and dhTolves the Hairdeft Mettals; for it fbrts at an innocent Ceremony, when it makes nothing to digeft Perjury and Opprejfion. 'Tis impoflible to frame an Oath, but what he'll readily 'fwallow to gratify his Ambition. He calls them State Counters, takes them for his Intcreft, and breaks them for his Convenience j he calls God to witnefs, and yet believes nothing of his Exigence, like the Fellow in Plautus's AmphitriOi that i wears by Hercules before he was born. Trade, with him, is the Lazo and the Pro- phets ; and, in Oppolition to the Text, he's refolv'd to ferve God and Mammon together. Had he liv'd in the Time of Conjlantine, he'd have gone to the Chrijliau AfTemblies one Day to lave his Bacon, and to the Hea- then Temples the next, to lecure a Stake againft a Par an Revolution. The Men cf Gotham are regiiler'd for a Pack of Fools, for endeavouring to hedtge in a Cuckozv ; is it not then a fcurvy Reflection upon a certain wife City's Care for Religion, to pitch upon a Camelcon for its Head, who changes his Colour as often as he fhifts his Place ? 'Tis pity that our Laws, that order fo honourable a Reward for Plurality of Wives, have not made the £une wholefome Provifion againft Plurality of Religions. He rails at Super/lit ion, and pretends to fland up for the Primitive Church ; but though we read that the Apoilies were Fifhers, they were not Water-men, to look one Way and row another. He is very fevere againft the Bakers, and punimes them upon, every Occafion i not for Cheats, for as fuch he 230 75* Character of a he honours them, but only to fhevv his Skill in the Hifto- ry of the Bible, where he finds it was one of that Profef- fion that firft hanfelTd the Gillows. He defigns to adorn the Annals of his Government with fomething extraor- dinary, and to purchafe a Name, as Herofiratus did of old, by Inflaming the Church. Stow and Hollinfbead, that took fuch Pains to defcribe Calves with fix Legs, and all other unnatural Births, if they had liv'd in our Age, what a ftrange Account would they have given of this tripple-headed Beaft, that exceeds all the Monfters that ever were known in Bartholomew Fair, that ever Jfrick or Holland produc'd ? When his Dulnefs is mounted on Horfeback, he makes me think of fome ancient Coats of Arms, where the Sup- porters are of the fame Species with the Beafts in the Scutcheon. If the City, to give another Jnftance of their Difcretion, fhould chufe Ball to fucceed his Mailer, as we find Caligula once defign'd his Horfe for the Conful- fhip, I dare engage for Ball, that he'll make the foberer Magiftrate of the two ; and after he has had his Belly full of Hay and Oats in the Morning, that he won't kick and winch, and keep a Pother to be carry'd to Brewers Grains and chopt Straw in the Afternoon. Whatever he may be to the reft of his Servants, his Cook leads a veary eafy Life with him, and Las as little to do all the Year round as a Barber in Mofcovy, a Lord Treafurer in Scotland, or a Taylor under the Line where they all go Naked. He preaches up Temperance at his own Table, but is an Harpy incarnate when he can de- vour on Free-coft, and hates no Sins but thofe that are expenfive. He fhews his Charity to the Poor, by pro- viding Prifon-room for them ; and for fear they fhould die of Surfeits, takes care to let them Blood with a Dog- whip. In his own fingle Self he out-does all the ftrange Changes in Ovid's Metamcrpbofls. OEdipus himfclf, were he alive, could never unriddle him. The Satyr, that quarrel'd with the Fellow in the Fable for blowing Hot and Cold fucceflively with the fame Breath : What would he fay to our Flea-bitten Magiftrate, that can do both at the fame Inftant ? If he vary'd his Body as often as his Soul - Low-Church Magistrate. 231 Soul tacks about, no Taylor could fit this Po/lure Clark in Religion, but he that made a Manteau for the Moon. In vain he promotes a Reformation, who ought to begin it at Home, and ftands up for the Sabbath, which no one prophanes like himfelf; for he teaches more Atheifm by his Example, than all the Parfons in the City can ever hope to preach down. He is of feveral Churches, but of no Religion, as we fay of Herm- aphrodites, that, by being of both Sexes, they are in- deed of none, and can neither conveniently receive Love as Women, nor act it vigoroufly as Men. He pretends to hate Divifions, and yet encourages Schifm which he foolifhly judges to be expedient for the State; as the Wo- men on the other fide of the Tweed refufe to be cured of the Itch, becaufe, forfooth it is wholefome. Nebuchadnezzar's Image had a Head of Gold, and Feet of Clay. Our Idol has a Scull as foft as Pap, to a Face of Brafs and Arms of Iron. Having men tion'd Brafs, com- mend me to that Murus Abeneus, his Conference, which has long fmce learnt the Trick Nulla pal kf cere Culpa. I wonder with what Pretence he can punifh Beggars', who is himfelf the mofl inexcufable Vagrant in the three Kingdoms. If the Pythagoran Syftem of Tranfmigrati- on be true, the next Remove his Soul makes rauft be into an Otter, or fome fuch amphibious Animal, for one fin- gle Element can never contain him. He alters his Shape} according to the Company he is in, like thofe experien- ced Sharpers, who when they are at Court would pafs for good City Security, and when they are in the City, would be thought to have an Intereft at Court. When he thinks his Authority will bear him out, Lucifer is lefs haughty and abfolute; at other Times he's as fubmiffive and humble as a Temple-Bar Vintner in the long Vaca- tion. But who would not bellow a Cudgel upon this fawning Cur, that tvill leap over a Stick for the Pope's Nuncio, and next Minute do the fame for a Crop-ear'd Tub-drubber ? He goes to a Sermon with the fame Intent, as the Prifoners in Ludgate go to the Grate, only to fhew his Chain ; or, as the Beau goes to a Play, not to- reform his Manners, but hear himfelf expos'd. But tho' he (ees Hypo- 232 The Character of a Hypocrify lafh'd every Sunday, he Hands all the FirC the Parfons mall flafh at him, like a managed Hone : He's convinc'd that 'tis a cowardly fcoundrel Sin, yet he won't part with it, becaufe it brings hiin in Gain : As I knew a fellow once that had Aches all over his Body, which punctually foretold all Changes in the Weather, yet could not be perfwaded to be cur'd becaufe he would not lofe his Almanac, as he call'd it. Had this Linfey- Woolfey Brother liv'd under the Mofaical Difpenfation, how finely had he been trounc'd, for plowing thus with an Ox and an Afs, and dividing himfelf fo nice between a CaJJeck and a Cloak : He revives the Story of Penelope., Hill unravelling what he has done before, and unlearning under one Teacher what he learn'd under another. The poor Cully in JEfop, w r ithhis two loving Wives, one of which clear d his Head of the Black, and the other of his grey Hairs, 'till at Lit they left him none be- tween them, is a true Emblem of him. The different Churches he goes to will fo weed and purge him by De- grees, that they won't leave him a Rag of Religion to cover his Nakednefs. With him, as in the Creation of the World, the Evening ftill goes before the Morning; for tho' he vouchsafes his Morning to the EJlabliJbd Cburcb t yet in his Heart he's at the Meeting, and his Thoughts ftill run upon his Afternoon's Extempore Re- pair.. Thus he is guilty of Schifm, even when he feems to affift at the publick Service ; like the Alan that com- mitted Adultery with his own lawful Wife, by flunk- ing on another. I never fee him at the Cathedral, but he makes me think of an Algerine putting out Chrijllan Colours. Indeed if the Churches were fhut up, fome- thing might be faid for his going to the Barn ; for even Horje-fiejh we know was laudable Diet at the Siege of London-derry. If he dees it for Variety, 'tis a Sign he has a moil: wretched Palate. Who, but a Coxcomb would go to a Farce in Smith field, w r hen the Play-houfe is open ? Who, that has din'd at Locket's, wou'd after- wards fup among Porters in a Cellar in the Strand? This laft Place puts me in Mind oi' his extraordinary Houfe-keeping, tho {o great a Gormondizer of Spi- ritual Food, which colls him nothing, yet \Qry little wiH Low-Church M a gi st r ate. 233 will content him in his own Kitdkin. By the Power of good Management he can extract three Meals for him- felfand Family out of one fingle Shoulder of Mutton, which Piece of Frugality he learn'd, I fuppofe, from the Story of the Weljb Sheriff, that convened an old Cloak firil into a Coat, then a Waftcoat, and laft of all into a Pair of Breeches. I have heard of a Gentleman, who, purely to fave his Money, would take a Coach tkit colt him Twe{ve -pence, to be trimm'd by a Twopenny French Barber in Stbo. The City, perhaps, with equal Difcretion, chofe him to husband their Stock; but by ftarving the Poor, he has put the Pariihes to fuch Charges in Burials, that they # are not like to fave any Thing by him ; unlefs, as old Chiron was both a Tu- tor and a Pad-nag upon Occaiion to Achilles, (o they make the Beaft ferve them in a double Capacity, that is to fay, both as their Horfe and their Magiftrate. I have been told of a Man that had a very bad Me- mory, fo very treacherous and unfaithful, that if he had made an Affignation in the Morning, he was fure to forget it long before the Hour came. Well, fays he, to prevent this for the future, I am refolv'd to buy a Memorandum-Book: But what was he the better for it ? He fbon after forgot that he had bought any fuch Direc- tor to relieve his Memory. This is the Cafe of our La- titudinarian : When thole of his Party are under Hatch- es, then all the Difcourfe runs upon Chriilian Forbear- ance and Condefcenfion, and never a PaiTage in the Old or new Teilament efcapes him that makes for that Pur- pofe. But when they are mounted, and in the Saddle, the Tables are turn'd, and he lays about him like Thun- der and Lightning, and forgets that Perfecution is the Mark of Antichrift. 'Tis true, all the while he devours you he cants of Moderation, and pretends he does it unwillingly ; but this is only a Copy of his Counte- nance. He firft tears you afunder, as the Jezvs^AIjai - ah of old, with a wooden Saw cf a dull heavy Speech : But who wou'd not rather chufe to make a Breakfaft for a generous Lyon, than to be eaten by a weeping Cro- codile ? For 234 Vbe Character of a, &c: For my Part, I wonder that the Priefts of the diffe- rent Churches he repairs to, don'c execute a Piece of Military Difcipline upon him. and trufs him up for a Spy. But I fuppofe he keeps in with all, by telling them feverally in a Corner, that each performs beft ; like the Harlot in the Play, that was kept by three Gallants, and told each of them in private, that he was the Per- fon that gave her the moft Satisfaction. Tis next to a Miracle to me that the Priefthood, who are fo fharp- fighted upon other Occafions, don't fee thro' the thin Artifices of this bare-fae'd Impoitor, and dart the Thun- der of the Church upon a Wretch who pretends to be a Friend to all, and yet is «n Enemy to the whole Tribe. I hope none of the Prophets have given it him under their Hands, that 'tis no Sin to go to the Temple of Rimmon. But this prefent contending between the feve- ral Perfwafions to fecure him to their Party, gives me a perfect Refemblance of an Jnt-bill> where there is the fame lugging, and tearing, and flruggling about a dead Fly. h\ fhorr, our Zatitudinarian is a Retainer to alT Churches, but a Member of nonej and will never have the Benefit of his Clergy, tho* he pretends to make his Court to all the various Sorts of them. 'Tis an un- thinking Sot, that keeps the Streets cleaner than his own Confcience. At laft, every Body finds out his Difguife and difpifes him ; and as feveral Cities formerly contend- ed who gave Birth to Homer, (o, in his Cafe, all Church- es and Congregations ftrive who mail difclaim him firft. Tho' he has a middle Station here, he mult not expect one in.another World. Lucifer only can pay him thd Wages of his Hypocrify, in whofe Clutches we leave him. Tour mojl humble Servant \ T. B, T O 235 T O Dr. SHERL OCR. O N Occafion of his taking the Oaths^ 1690}. AN D have you now at length refolv*d to take the Oath, Jo long refused for Confcience Sake ? So fam % d a Champion for the Loyal Church, {So call'd) to leave her, and her Friends, i'th" Lurch / Doclor, injhort, you have amazed us all, Making that nothing you Religion calL Had you comply *d at fir ft, *t had been a J eft, And you no mere to blame than were the reft ; But after fuch mature Deliberation, [Preaching up Loyalty in Spite o'th' Nation) At laft, to turn Apoftate on a fudden, Shews, tho' a Church-man, that you are no good One. The fenfelefs Book y* have writ in your Defence, Dij covers more your Guilt than Innocence : Each Argument therein does feem to fay, Tour Reafin, with Religion, 's fled away Now feme pretend you tempted were by Woman, Nay, by a Wife, which is a Thing not common, To fin again ft the Laws Divine and Human: } Her 236 To Dr. Sherlock, Sec. 1690 Her Importunity was fuch, they fay, When you did Preach, jhe never ecus' d to Pray * r Until at length, by Force of much Pcrfivafion, She brought your Doflorfhip into the Fajbiw, To take an Oath, to jufiify the Reign Of William, till King James return' d again. But, Doclor, mofi believe what Jhe could fay, Had not prevail 'd to make you go of ray, And with the frefent Government to join, If little Willis m had not pafs'd the Boyn: But nozv you from your Principles do fwerve, For fear that you and yours Jhou*d come to flarve; Trufling to Providence {it feems) your Soul,. But for jour Body, you're not fuch a Fool, Dicier, in fine, you'll live to curfe your Fate, And then repent, [alas !) when ''tis too late ! Reproachful Ruin fill fuch Crimes attends ; Tour Friends you've tnade your Foes, your Foes no Friends, A N m A N E P I T APH O N Dr. SHERLOCK, 1707. 1 HERE lyes, within this Holy Place, be Lor., hare Mercy on him !) ■ >efel, in a Wooden Cafe, Exempt from Human Plagues, unlcfs You lay k:s Wife vpon him. II. Some People think, if this were done, Tho' dead, he woifd be ready To rife before his Time, and run The Lord knows where, to fairly Jhun That Termagant, his Lady. III. Since he is gone, 'tis hard that Jhe Shou V be fo long defer ted. Why Death, Jhoula'Jl thou fo partial be, - Since all good People do agree, 'Tis Pity they were parted? IV. Pray bid her, when Jhe comes, not prate, But hold her tea zing Nonfenfe: But if the Weefel Jmell a Rat, He'll fly his Wife, Pll tell you that, As be once did his Confcience. A pro- 23S ^Prophecy, &c. ^PROPHE C Y found under the Founda- tim of the Chapel of Willingford Houfe 9 engraved on Lead, and difcover } d on Satur- day the 2d 0/Jun;, 1694, andfentby T. Povey, Efq-j to the Lord Mayor, who Pro- claimed a Faft thereon* WH E N Tewkesbury Muftard fhall wander abroad, And die in a Land without Maopye or Toad, Then the Sazvce of the Veal, joining three to one Lyon, Shall devour a Fiih, the Pad-nag of Arion : The Lillies mall try to fwim over the Ferry, Where they fhall be met with, and drowned by Cherry. The Children of France, with Famine oppreit, Shall weep that their Mother has never a Breaft. A PROPHECY>«J under the "Trees and Bench in St. James'j Park the 12th of June, 1694, engraved in Copper, and car- rfd to my Lord Chamberlain, by Serjeant Barecroft. XU HEN the laft of all Knights is the firfl of all Knaves, * V And the beft of all Pimps is the worltof all Braves'^, When a Cozuard is dubb'd for not Fighting, but Feeding, And a Lubberly Brute preferr'dfor his Breeding: When a Medal and Chain is beftow'd on a Hog, Who deferves more a Rope than ever did Dog, When Prophecies are coin'd by a Drunken Buffoon, Whofe chief Talent lies in abufive Lampoon ; When the Black-Rod is given to a bold brazen Face, What Beaft may not hope at Whitehall for a Place ? fe > A Prophecy, &c. 239 ^PROPHECY found on Friday the 29th cj January, 1696. by fine Workmen digging tip the Ruins of the Privy-Garden, and by them carry* d to the Ujher of the Black- Rod, as it was written in a Scroll cf Parch- ment. WH E Na Kmght otthcNrth is Hopp'd in Ax -Yard, By a biting F— 5 s Trick having plaid a falfe Card ; When at the Green-Cloth a Grey Fox do's prefide, And a Wo/f'm a Chain thro' the City does ride ; When Chalk pays for Cheefe, and Go'd dwindles to Wood, And Banks rather let in than keep out the Flood, When Grocers-Hall fears to be fent to the Compter, Publick Faith being fo light that a Feather will mount her: When the Coin fcarcer grows, tho'the Mints do increafe, And we are maul'd with a War, without hopes of a Peace. W hen the Ocean's fo Frenchify 'd, few Ships dare ride in't, And is rul'd by a Shovel infrad of a Trident ; When Juflice is fore'd to abandon the Land, Tho' molt People are feen with her Scales in their Hand ; When a Pack of brib'd Knaves do a Chape/ difgrace, That deferve the fame Fate with the Saints in the Place : When London's great Wifdom is feen in a Cuddon, And a Man with a Nofe do's Things that he fhoud'n ; Then England, I tell thee, thou'rt curfedly Shamm'd, 'Tis too late to repent, (o fin on and be damn'd. A PROPHE.CY found in a Vault in Lambeth Chapel. TIT HEN the Number that Hands next to that of the VV {Mufes, And the Member to Man that of vifible ufe is ; When the Thing that Mill wifhes his Dad at Old-Nick, But together afpires to an Arch-bifhoprick : When the Panther, fofpotlefs, is plagu'd with a Head, Whofe Outfide is Brafs, and whofe Iniide is Lead : When 2 4° On a Silver P i s s-P o t. When Lambeth, its Primitive Oracle loft, Inftead of a Pillar, is propt with a Poft: And Britain beholds, in an eminent Station, An immod'rate Dunce of great Moderation; It fuch a dull Guide to the Church proves a Benifon, You may iwear Contradictions are true, and that Ten-is-one. On a Silver Piss-Pot, Occajiond by a Bill to compel the bringing in oj Plate to be C in- ed) 1696- 7. MAids need no more their Siher-Pifs-pots fcour, For they mull: jog, like Tray tors, to the Tower. Prefumptuous Pijfpot, how durlt thou offend ? Compelling Females on their Knees to bend. To Kings and Queens we humbly bow the Knee, But Zhjeens themfelves are forc'd to Jhop to Thee. To thee they cringe, and with a draining Face They ceale their Grief by opening of their Cafe; In Times of need, thy Help they do imp!ore, And oft to eafe their Ailments make thee roari What Woman, tho' of ftricleft Modefly, But her dear Scerei wou'd impart to Thee ? Long haft thou been a Pris'ner and confin'd, But Liberty is now for thee defigivd : Thee whom fo many Beauties have enjoy 'd, Now in a better State ihalt be imploy'd, And with Delight be handled every Day, And oft iier occupy 'd another way : So ihalt thou pafs as Current and as free, As that which his fo often into thee. Melesinda's Misfortune on the Burning of her Smock^ i6po* TIr'd with the Bus'nefs of the Day, Upon her Couch fupinely lay Fair Mekfnda void of Care, No living Creature being near : When M e i e s i n d a's Misfortune, &c» 241 When ftrait a calm and gentle Sleep Did o'er her drowfy Eye-lids creep.; Her Senfes thus by Fetters ty'd, By nimble Fancy were mpply'd : Her quick Imagination brought Th' Ideas of her waking Thought 5 She dreamt her felf a new-made Bride In Bed, by young Philanders Side : The Pollet's eat, the Stocking thrown, And all the Company's withdrawn.; And now the blejl Elifium, Of all her wifht for Joys, is come. Philander, all difTolv'd in Charms* Lyes raptur'd in her circling Arms, With panting Breafts, and fwimming Eyes, She meets the vifionary Joys ; In all the Amorous Poftures Love, Which th* Height of Extafy couM move : But as fhe roving did advance Her trembling Legs, O dire Mifchance! The Couch being near the fire-fide, Sh' expanded them, alas! too wide; Sh' expos'd her nethermofl Attire Unto th' Embraces of the Fire ; Sothechaft Phoenix of the Eajl With flutt'ring fires her fpicy Neft. So Semele, embracing Jove, Burnt with Fire and with Love. The Flames at nrft did trembling feize The dangling Hem of the loft Prize ; But finding no Refiftance, higher As 'tis their Nature to afpire, Approaching near the Seat of Blifs, The Center of earthly Happinefs, Which vaftly more of Pleafure yields, Than all the feign'd Elyfian Fields*. But Ignorance mull now excufe The Silence of my bafhful Mufe : Its Modefty had ne'er the Face T* afcend above the Gartering Place » Vol. IV. M But 54 2 Melesinda's Misfortune, But doubtlefs 'twas a lovely Sight The Fire beheld by his own Light. So Ovid wifh'd himfelfa Flea, That fo transform'd he might furvey His Love all o'er, and uncontroul'd Her every Grace and Charm behold. Had Ovid's Flea been there to Night, I fear J t had had but (mail Delight, His Rival Flames had fpoil'd his Blifs, And made him Curfe his Metamorphojis. At hit. the Flames were grown fo rude, They boldly ev'ry where intrude ; They foon recall'd the Lady's Senfe, And chac'd the pleafmg Vifion thence : Soon as her Eyes recover'd Light, She flrait beheld the difmal Sight ; Beheld her felf, like Blazing-Star, Or bright tail'd Glow-worm to appear : She had no time to meditate Upon the Strangenefs of her Fate ; But was confin'd to lay about, To beat the impious Fire out : The am'rous Fbmes were loth to go, They kifs'd her Hand at ev'ry Glow ; And round her Ivory Fingers play, And feem'd as il they begg'd to flay. Vanquifh'd at laft they did retire, And in a gloomy Smoak expire. Then viewing of her half-burnt Smock, Thus to her felf the fad Nymph fpoke : Is this the Effecl of Dreams ? Is this Tee Fruit cf all my fancfd Blifs ? Misfortunes will, I fee, betide^ When Maidens throw their Legs too wide : Had I but kept my Legs a-crofs, I and my Smoek had had m Lofs : I ought, I'm fure, to have took more heed. For ne'er had Virgin greater need ; My Kindnefs and my little Care Has left me J care e a Smock to wear: Borne The Claret Drinker's Song, &V. 243 Some have been beg'd, feme have been burn'd, All are to Clouts, or "Tinder, turned. Two Smocks lafl Night the Flames furpriz'd, And in the Flasket j aerified ; Others I did on Friends beftow, Not dreaming I Jhoud want y em now, But I cou*d bear the Lofs of them, Bad not the Fire difiurb'd my Dream. There is a Saying frights trie too, But Heaven forbid it Jhou'd be true ; That where a Virgin burns her Train, So, all her Life-time, Jhe'd remain. I dare not be of this Belief, For Jbou'd I, I Jhould die with Grief Live always here a Nun- like Life And never, never be a Wife ; Never enjoy a Marriage -Bed, Nur lofe a hated Maidenhead : Ah ! Cruel Flames, you're too unkind To bring thefe Fancies to my Mind : Down, down into your native Cell, In your own Blazing Regions dwell: Vex me no more, let me pojfefe My Linen, or my "Dream in Peace. Thus the poor Nymph, bewail'd her treach'rous Luclr, At once to lofe fo good a Dream and Smock. 'The Claret Drinker s Song; Or y The Good Fellow'* Dejign, 1684. A Pox of this Fooling and Plotting of late, ""• What a Pother and Stir hath it kept in the State ? Let the Rabble run mad with Sufpicions and Fears, Let 'em icume and jar 'till they fall by the Ears : Their Grievances never mall trouble my Pate, So that I can enjoy my dear Bottle in Quiet. What Coxcombs were thofe that wou'd farther their Eafe» And their Necks, for a Toy, a thin Wafer and Mafs, At old Tyburn they never had needed to fwing, Had they been true Subjects to Drink, and their King* M 2 A 244 Advice to Dr. Oates* A Friend and a Bottle is all my Defign, It has no Room for Treafon that's top full of Wine. I mind not the Members, nor Makers of Laws, Let 'em fit and prorogue as his Majefty pleafe : Let 'em damn us to Wollen I'll never repine At my Lodging when Dead, fo alive I have Wine : Yet, oft in my Drink, I can hardly forbear To curfe 'em for making my Claret fo dear : I mind not great AlTes who idly debate About Right and SucceJ/tori, the Trifles of State ; We've a Good King already, and he deferves Laughter That will trouble his Head with who mail come after. Come, here is his Health, and I wifh he may be As free from all Cares and Troubles as we. What care I how Leagues with Hollanders go, On Intriegue6 between Sydney and Monfieur D*avaux ? What concerns it my Drink, if Cazalbe fold, If the Conqueror takes it by Storming, or Gold ? Good Bourdeaux alone is the Place that I mind, And when the Fleet's coming, I pray for the Wind : The Bully of France, that afpires to Renown, By dull cutting of Throats, and vent'ring his own : Let him fight and be damn'd, make Matches and Treat, To afford News-mongers and Coffee-houfes Chat. He's but a brave Wretch, whilft I am more free, More fafe, and a thoufand times happier than he : Come he, or the Pope, or the Devil too boot, * Or come Faggot or Stake, I care not a Groat : Never think that in Smithfield I Porters will heat, No, I fwear, good Mr. Fox, excufe me for that : 1*11 drink in defiance of Gibbet and Halter, This is the Profefhon that never will alter. 'Advice to Dr. Oates not to be Mdanchol- ly in r68y, when a Prifoner in the King's Bench. AS I'm informal, on Monday laft you fat ""J As difmal as a Melancholly Cat, > jFolding your Arms, and pulling down your Hat J Over } Advice to Br. Gates,. 245 Over your Eyes, and groaning in a Chair, As if you did for God knows what deipair : Fyc, Doctor, Fye ! you know it is a Folly, Thus to fubmit and yield to Melancholly ; For 'twill mutabilate poor Nature's Light, And turn it's Day into'a gloomy Night ; Alas! what if you have been often ftript, And at a Cart's-Arfe fo feverely whipt, That Rivulets of Blood ran down your Back, Through Slames given you by Hangman Jack ? And further ( which was Punifhment enough, ) What tho' vou fometifnes wore a Wooden Ruff? And what if Gates be now laid in a Gaol, ('Stead of a Barn) and threuYd with that fame Flail We call Contempt ? Shit, let 'em kifs your Tail. 'Long as (through Providence) you are fupported By all the Holy Sillers, and are courted Almofl of all your Presbyterian Brothers ; Pirn ! never make fuch needlefs Pothers ! \KJiat need yon care whnie Dunghill, Sir, you /hit on ? Thofe that take up the Sword for G muft fight on. But if your Sadnefs does proceed from Fe„r Of being mounted on a Tbree-kgg'd-Mare, And (in a Line) to Preach a Sermon there ; Well may you Melancholly be, and vex, Becaufe the Jade does always break the Necks Of thofe that ride upon her : Therefore fure Nothing fo great a Penance can endure. Or Doctor, if you have an inward Sting, For fwearing falfly againft Pickerings And many more innocent poor Wretches, Your Heart muft needs be grip'd and full of Stitches, And you may well through Fear befhit your Breeches If you arc guilty of thofe horrid Crimes, Defer not, Doctor, but repent betimes : If your Heart be Flinty hard, and Stony Doubtlefs you'll be damn*d, and go to Tony : That was the fubtle Fox that fet you on ; T He eat the Meat, and made you pick the Bone ; > He ran away, and left the Goofe alone. 3 M 3 Bbt } } F 246 To the Memory of Mr. John Oldham^ But who can help it ? Tis in vain to fret, By vexing you may lofe, but nothing get ; Therefore be Merry, Sir, as you were wont ; Jnftead of fulfome, ufe a wholefome— — — — To the Memory of Mr. John Oldham* O R that is dangerous for a Man to be Too bufy with immutable Decree, I cou'd, dear Friend, e'en blame thy cruel Doom, That lent fo much, to be requird fo foon : The Flowers, in which the Meads are deck'd fo gay, T> Altho' they are fhort-liv'd, they liv'd a Day ; >- Thou in the Noon of Life wer*t fnatch'd away. j> Tho' not before thy Verfe had Wonders fhown, And bravely made the Age to come thy own. The Company of Beauty, Wealth, and Wine, Were not fo charming, not fo fweet as thine. They quickly perifh, yours was itill the fame, An everlafting, but a lambent Flame, Which fomething fo refifllefs (Udisipsit It ftill through ev'ry Ear, won ev'ry Heart. ITnlike the Wretch, who ftrives to get Eiteem, ^ Nay, thinks it fine, anu j^Htee to blafpheme, V- .And can be witty on no other Theme. > Ah ! Foolifh Man ! ( whom thou did'ft ftill defpife) That muft be wicked to be counted wife : But thy Con verfe was from this Error free ; And yet 'twas every Thing true Wit cou'd be : None had it, but ev'n with a Tear does own The Soul of dear Society is gone. But while we thus thy Native Sweetnefs fing,. \Ve ought not to forget thy Native Sting ; Thy Satyr fpar'd no Follies, nor no Crimes, Satyr the bcft Reformer of the Times ! While different Priefts eternally conteft, ~> And each will have his own Religion beft, j* And in a Holy Huff damns all the reft. 3 Their Love to Gain, not Godlinefs, is mown : Heav'ns Work thy leave undone-, to do their own. How wide fhoot they that ftrive to blaft thy Fame, By faying that thy Verfe was rough and lame ? A Satire on Ma rriage, ijfi They wou'd have Satyr their Companion move, ""V 1 And write To pliant nicely, and To fmooth, S. As if the Mufe were, in a Flux of Love. j But who of Knaves, and Fops and Fools does fing "^ Muft Force, and: Fire, and Indignation bring, > For 'tis no Satyr,, if it has no Sting. 3 In ihort, who in that Field wou'd famous be, Muft think, and write like Juvenal and thee : Let others boaft of all the mighty Nine, To make their Labours with more Luftre mine. I never had no other Mufe but Thee : Ev'n thou wert all the mighty Nine to Me ; 'Twas thy dear Friendfliip did my Breaft infpire, And warm'd it firft with a Poetick Fire : But 'tis a warmth that does with thee expire. For when the Sun is fet, that guides the Day,.. The Traveller mull Hop, or lofe his Way. } A Satire on Marriage, Sufpofedto be fpoken by one who was threatnd to be dijtnherited $ on condition he refused- the Match that was oj- ferd him by his Friends.. NO— let my Friends determine what they will, I'm fixt, and keep my Refoiution itill Againft the Threaten'd Marriage Bonds, declare With them and all the World eternal War : My Freedom I at its juft Value rate, And love my Quiet, more than my Eftate : Marriage of each is the deftructive Bane, "^ No fooner match'd but weJament in vain £ Their fatal Lofs, which we muft e'er fuftain. 3 Of all its Days the firft and laft are belt, So vaftly is it ! fo compleatly blefs'd ! Oh ! glorious State! repleniiVd with D eight ! A Hundred Ills each Day, for one good Night ! In Marriage fure, if any Comfort be, 'Tis in the hope that we may once be free, When kinder Death the Union has unty'd, And taken. to himfelf the gracious Bride. M-4 Who*- 248 A SatirewMarriage. Who ever cou'd the tirefome Load fuftain, But for the Hope once to be freed again ? For why fhou'd Man, of a free gen'rous Mind, Be to one Objeft all his Days confin'd ? Still ty'd to what He cannot Love fo faft, And find no reft until he finds his laft : Ten thoufand Tortures in his Soul arife, And while in Spight ihe lives, each hour he dies. For me I'm too much to my felf a Friend, To chufe thofe Evils which this State attend. I hate a Bargain, when we go to woo "^ Why can't we all things as compleatly do, > Without the Curate and the Lawyer too ? j When once the dire ill-omen'djy^ we fay, The joys of Love foon vanifh all away, The thing's quite fpoil'd, becaufe a Duty grown, And pleafes now no more becaufe our own ; But what's forbidden fiercely we purfue, And wond'rous Charms are in the thing call'd New. Wou'd you at height maintain the pleafing Flame, Then carefully preferve a Lover's Name, By Forms Love's brisk Affairs are ruin'd quite, And the dull Name of Husband palls Delight: Befide, the tedious Yoak what need we bear, When we may be as unconfin'd as Air ? Not fore'd to live in Difcontent and Noife, And all thofe Griefs that wait neglected Joys ; But uncontroul'd at Liberty to range, Or when o'er-labour'd find our Eafe in Change. Oh ! with what Art th' induftrious Lover tries To hide his Failings from his Ce/ia's Eyes ? But when efpous'd, tis then no longer {o, Each other then too foon, too- well they know. Then forth each hid Defeat with Vigour fprings, All Cares to pleafe accounted needlefs things, Soon all the rare accomplifh'd Glories fade, Like a fine Flower in its Bloom decay 'd ! He that was once fo neat! fo trim ! fo gay I Like the delightful Month of fmiling May, Wears a perpetual Cloud upon his Brow, And looks as low'ring as December now : You'ql Oxford Barber's Verses; 249 You'd think he'd nought but Law-fuits in his Head, And all his Grace and all his Wit were fled, By Wedlock made a perfect ufelefs Fool, A droning Idiot, and a dreaming Fool I And whofo does an equal Hazard run, Can he expect that very Fate to fhun ? Or juftly think hc'sjuft fufficient grown To be her Matter, who is not his own ? No ! no! He'll find that all his Skill will fail, (Altho' he is the Head) to rule her Tail. Of this fo ferious Bus'nefs, if you doubt, Illuftrious Corydon fhall make it out : We fafely now may quote the glorious Peer, And need no Scandalum Magnatu?n fear. Cuckold of high Degree ! and that he's fo, He's taken Pains that all the World ihou'd know. Davis's Fate's like his, and Coliifi's, too, Whofe Buiinefs, tho' more fecret, is as true. Shou'd I thro' all the Race of Cuckolds run, To name them all, I never mould have donei Or tell fmce the firft Planting of the Horn, What vail Encreafe each Age and Soil has born. In Paradice the Serpent, fome believe, With fomething elfe than Apples tempted Eve ; The thing is well fuppos'd, the Creature's wife, And knows the Worth of Opportunities ! But fay that this Sufpicion is unjuft, Yet why fhou'd Man to Woman's Frailty truft ? No ! as a wife Man ought, I'll be fecure, And keep me from the Danger that I may be fure. Oxford Barber* $ Verses on Queen Mary'* Death, 1695. C OON as the difmal News came down, ^ And fpread it felf about the Town, I in a trice, with heavy Soul, As Snails their Horns, drew in my Pole, Shut Shop, and in a Paflion (wore, I'd never ufe my ScuTars more : M 5 Since } 250 Upon Love, in Imitation of Covin?* Since Lachefu fo ram had been, To- cut the Throat of gracious Queen ; But I defigning more Than ever Barber did before, Refolv'd on the too fad Occafion To exercife a flrange Vocation, Rhyme, the great Bufmefs of the Nation. I thought it errant Shame to fetter True Englifi? Senfe in Foreign Metre : For none do bury, I conjecture, Folks in Outlandifh Manufacture : Not, but that I my Grief cou'd tell In any other Tongue as well. Whether in Turkey or Arabick> In Etbiopick, or Malabrick, In Cambro-Britanick or Togray, Or Lingua Balaams Afs did bray ; But why mould I my Readers vex With thefe Barbarian Dialects. Jn fhort already I have ended, .And done what I firft intended, 'Tis uncorrected, unamended. No Tutor did this Work purufe* Nor Money hir'd a Hackney Mufe, Tho' that's the Fafhion of the Town, This I proteft is all my own. Upc n Love, in Imitation of Cowley*.. YSJ Fether we Mortals love or no, : Tis the fame Cafe whate'er we do. For Love does killing Pleafure give, And without Love 'tis Death to Live : Jf then to love, fo painful be, And not to love be Mifery, What a fad Cafe mult he be in, Who has denied and jilted been ? Banifh'd for ever from thofe E/->3, Which conquer Fools, and fool the Wife,- And none but Stcicks can defpife ? They conquer, but they will not yield,.. : knows no fuch uneaual Field ; S'ut } Julii Mazarini Cardinalis Epitaphium* Tgjfi But in Love's gentle Fight Both Conquer, when they bctli fubmit. Sometimes the better to peri wade, I call in Heraldry to my Aid : I fpeak my Sire's and Grandfire's Praife, Tell her how Breve, how Good he was : : Then magnify my felf, and hy, How Wife, how Witty, and how Gay I am, and (as the times go now) How conftant, and how fober too : But me, inftcad of this, demands What Stock, what Money, Sir ? what Lands ? Shepherds and Clowns inherit Life, Do you e'er think to get a Wife ? Becaufe your Dad was born before ye,- That, Sir, is but an idle Story. Tho' Men be witty, wife or gay, "J- Fools may love as well as they: >- Wit will not pleafe at Night, nor profit in the Day. - 3 Curfe on the Money, wou'd he were Sunk beyond Hell to languifh there, Condemn'd to everlafting Chains, Where the rich Mifer Pluto reigns. - Who firit call d Counters Happincfs, What an improper thing is this ? / That Money is th' common Caufe of Strife, - The Common Barrater of Life, Sets Brethren into mortal Fray, Makes Children Parents difobey, Make Wars and Slaughters to abound, Where Peace, .and Joy, before were found; And which is worft of all, it does Loves gentle Votaries abufe, It does to Love it's pow'rful Aids deny, . Whilft/ for want of it, the Lovers dye. J u l 1 1 m a z a r i n i Cardlnalh Epitaphiu??i* HI C jactt Julius Mazarinus, Gdli& Rex Italkus, Ecclefi*, Pr&ful Laiau, EurofA 252 Julii Mazarini Cardinalis Epitaphium* Europe prtdo purpuratus. Fcrtunam omnem ambiit, omnem corrupit; JErarium adminiftravit iff exhaufit y Civile Be 11 urn comprefftt, fed commovit; Regni Jura tuitus eft, iff invafit ; Beneficia pojfedit, iff vendidit. Pacem dedit aliquands, diu diftulit ; Hoftcs cladibus, Cives oneribus afftixit-, Arrifit panels, irrifit plurimos, Omnibus nocuit. Negotiator in Templo, Tyrannus in Regno, Pr&do in Minifterio, Vulpes in Concilio, Graftator in Bello, Sofas nobis in Pace Hoftis. Fortunam olim adverfam, aut elufit, aut viciL. Et nojlro f&culo vidimus Adorari Fugitivum, hnperare Civibus exulem, Regnare Profcriptum. £>uid deinde egerit ? rogas ? paucis accipe : Lujit, fefellit, rapuit ; Ferreum nobis induxit f&culum, fibi ex Aureo noftro* Aurum fecit. Quorundam Capiii nullius Fortunis pepercit Homo crudeliter Clemens-, Pluribus tandem Morbis elanguit, P lures in Cxlo mortes irrogante, Cui Scnatus olim unam tantum decreverat, Vincemi/^ arcibus inclufit moriturus Et quidem apte Qu&fivit Carcerem. Dii cedentem Animam retinuit, &gre reddidit. Sic ret mere omnia didicerat,. Nihil fua fponte reddere. Conftant:r tamen vifus eft mori ; quid mirum ? Ut vixit, fie obiit difjirnvLins. Ne m i burn quidem noverunt qui a.rabant, Hac una fraude nobis profuit, Fefellit Medicos. Mcrtuus eft tamen nifallimur, iff mori ens Regent Eptapbkm Dom. Doltoris James. 253 Regem Regno, Regnum Regi rejiituit. Reliquit Pr&fulibuspeflima Exempla, Aulicis infida Concilia, Adoptivo amplijftma Spolia, Paupertatem Populis,- Succejjoribus fuis opines pradandi Artes r Sed Pr&dam nullam ; Immenfas tamen Opes licet profuderit, Id unum habuit tantum, ex fuo, quod daret % Nomen fuum : Peclus ejus poft Mortem apertum eft ; Turn primum patuit vafrum Cor Mazarini ; Quod nee Precibus, nee Lacbrymis, nee Injuriis mover etur, Diu quAfivimus, invenere Medici Cor Lapideum ; Quod mortuus adbuc omnia move at & adminiftret,ne mireris^, Stipendia in hunc Annum accepit ; Nee fraud at poft mortem, vir bona Fidei. Quo tandem evaferit tandem rogitas? Caelum ft rapitur, tenet, fie datur meritis % longe abtft* Sed abi Viator, iff cave, Nam bic Tumulus, Eft Specus Latronis. Epitaphium Domini Do&oris Jamps, CuAck dis Coll. Om. Animal, Oxon. HI C jacet, qui fub nulla later et mar more, Thomas James, S.S.Tbeologia Doclor, Collegii bujus vere Cuftos, Optimo dignus Monumento, Nullius indigens, Quern nee parcus Invidia, Sermo, Nee propria Mo deft ia, Nee Mortis Umbra pojfunt celare, Cujus in. Laudibus celebrandis, Nee Fa ma loquax, nee ipja ??iendax, : Poterit ejfe Epitaphium, Sed 254 Monumentum nomas Willis^ Sed plura vet at magnarum Viriutum Comes verecundia. Hoc igitur omina breve claudat Encomium ; Vivus Amicos babuit Homines, Mortens Confcientiam, Mortuus Deum. JEtatis Jua LXVII. Obiit 5° Jan. Anno Dom. C^IoLXXXVI. Monumentum fibi fieri vetuit, Beatiflimus Pater, Thomas Willis & Henricus Jones Pofure, e daubus Sororibus Nepotes.. Pletatis ejfe arbitrate Huic uni ejus mandato non obtemperare, Pr&dicandum fibi, Minime cenfuere hum taJem virum? Meliorem quam ut vellet laudariy Majorem quam ut pojfet. Defideratijftmi Patris Fietatem Non hoc Saxum, Sed h&c tefientur Mania ; Munificentiam hujus Loci JEdificia; Liberalitatem Alumni. Qi/id in moribus informandis Quid in publicis Curls fufientandis, Academia, Quid in propaganda Religione, Ecclefia, Quam f elicit er J uv en tut em erudierit, Procerum Famili& y Quam pr&clare de Republica meruerit tot a Anglia, Quantum de bonis Liter is, univerj'us Or bis Liter atus. In Diadema Regium a Bloodio Furtim ablatum. BLuddius ut damnum ruris repararet Aviti, Addicit fifco dum Diadema fio. Egregium facro f acinus velavit amiclu {Larva, nmgis Reges fallere nulla pctefi) Mxidit the Pra&ical Quaker ; &fc.. 255 Excidit aft aufis taclus pietate pro/ana, Cujiodem ut fervet, maluit ipfe capi. Si modo f&vitiam texiffet Pontiftcalem Vejle Sacerdotis, rapt a Corona foret. M. S. Johannis Fell, S. T. Rl LOngwortbiA Bercherltnfium natus, In banc JEdem, A ' Patre Decano admijjus Alumnus Undecennis. Magijiralem Togam ante induit quam fumerei Virikm* Sacros Ordines Diaconatus, , vacillante Ecclefia, Presbyteratus, penitus ever/a, Aufus eft fufcipere, Et E'ccJefi& re It qui as eafovit Cur a Qua pr&lufijfe videatur Epifcopatui. Speclata In utrumque C A R O L U M fide, A Filio tandem reftaurato ¥utelam bujus Ecclefi* Dec anus accepit, Et buic tantA plus quam par ProvinciA,. Epifcopatum una Oxonienfem Feliciter adminiftravit. Sed dum faluti public a intentus Negligeret j'uam y Ab Ecclefta iterum periclitante dejideratus eft. Diaconusy A. D. 1647. > C Decanus, A. D. 1660; Presbytery A. D. 1649. S £ EpiJ'copus, A. D. 1675. Natus Jun. 23. A. D. 1625. Mortuus Jul. 10. A. D. 1686. The PraElical Quaker j or 7 the New-Lights^ —rVelut inter ignes Luna minores. Hor. T.N Doggrel Rhymes we feldom ufe. 4- To flay for any Gods, or Mufe ; But in fo nice a Cafe is this, X tHnk it cannot do amifs ; p or 256 The Pradtical Quaker ; For all the Link-Boys round the Town. Have fvvorn (I hear) to run them down ; The Men of fallow, Wick, and Cotton, The fin-men too the Cry have gotten; Whom, let me fee, fhall we retain ? Phoebus for once fhall be the Man. Great God of Lights ! we thee invoke, If not on t'other Side befpoke ; The Stars above, to us below, Juft like your Farthing-Candles fhow; Whilft thou, with glorious Luilre crown'dy Doft hang like one of Six in the Pound ; Thou, who'rt all Eye, caft half an one Down on this new Invention. Tis knew indeed to Men below, But known in Heav'n long ago ; The Stars, in juft fuch Chryflal Spheres, Have burnt above five thoufand Years : They fear no Storm by Day, or Night, But thus hang Wind or Weather tight - r And fo they'll hang till Day of Doom, By that time they'll their Oil eonfume ; And then their Glafles breaking round us, In Flames they'll fall, and fo confound us; Nay, we can prove the Milky-Way, (For afl Sir Syrfropbel can fay) Is but a Street of fome fuch Lights, To guide the heavenly Folks arights ; The Council- Chamber, up above, Is hung with fuch, and Jove's Alcove ; Tin, Horn, and Greafe they've none, and I dare fwear, There's ne'er ^ fallczv-Chandler there. Prometheus once (that Son of Fame) Upon s V: it hither came; And lik'd the Thing fo wond'rous well, He ftrr.it upon the Tryal fell : But whether (as fome .-. uthojrs fey) The Tallo-c-C: i.v'd foul Play, Or Link-Boys r ':'. . brgajt his Glaffes, (For variously the Story paffes ;) The or the New Lights , 2 57 The Project fail'd, and he ran mad, But Luck the Virtuofo had, That's aP, the Bird (the Poets fay) Lies gnawing of him Night and. Day, May mor« propitious Fates attend Our prcfent Art-improving Friend ; Were this Invention underftood, 'Twou'd be of univerfal Good : The Stars might go to fleep a-nights, And leave their Work to thefe new-Light The Midwife Moon might mind her Calling, And noify Ligbtman leave his Bawling : Men might pull in their Horns , and be From Officers and Summons freej This thefe Moon-Cur fers that maintain The Cry, by Darknefs ftill to gain ; Whofe chief Employ, Tom T—d-man rig! In Winter Weather, lies by Night : Nay, with fuch potent Influence, Their ftreaming Rays they do difpenfe, That if the Sun fhou'd lie too long Here, he might have his Bufinefs done : He might indulge in Thetis* Lap, And, while they burn, take t'other Nap. Oh ! had you been the other Night In Cheapfide, at th* amazing Light, Where with their fawcer Eyes they hung, And gatherM the admiring Throng ; The plying Punks crept into Holes, Who walk'd the Streets before by Shoals ; The Night cou'd now no longer skreen The Tavern- Sots from being feen ; The Light- men they began to rally, Who bluhYd, and turn'd down Grocers-Alley-. The Tempe/i you have feen, no doubt, Juft fo the Candles all went out : Thofe filly Tools no more cou'd burn Than Kitchen- Greafe before the Sun. -The Quaker, with up-lifted Hands, 3y Tea and Nay, the Rogue commends : or 258 In Epifcopum Sarlsburienfem. Of all their boafted Light, he faid, Thefe never entered once our Head. When we compare our Times with thofe are pair, We cry, this Age of greater Light can boaft ; I'll fay fo too, if this Device hit right, JElfe fwear our Age wants Wit as well as Light. In Epifcopum Sarisburienfem. "P Scotia Presbyter Profugus, In Angliam ad bene meniiendum y Reipublic& Caufa aliquando venit, Ibiprimum Dominum fuum, Deinde Regent, Tandem Ec • defiant, Regnumque prodidit. Egregius mebercule Simulator, Omnium Horarum Homo. Proteus nullo [nifi quern metuit) Nodo tenendus. AUquando fro Regibus difputavit, Nunc contra Regent fuum, Crifiasfuas erigit Epifcopales :. Hinc Rebellionis Antifles,. Olim ad miferiam damnavit. Et Gehennam feditiofos, Nunc Caelum cjf Terram, Prefentia cjf futura Iijdem promittit y Homo eruditer mifericors. AngViA E.xul ad Exteras fe contulit regiones^ Ut maUfalleret t&dium GonfcientU ; Sed fruflra, barer lateri letbalis arundo ; ■ Cxi urn non Animum {male fibi confcium Aliifque macbinantem) mutat Qui trans Mare currit. Sed ubique [ft credere fas efi) Religionem qu&fivit, Parifiis, Romae, Genevas, Amftelodami, Sed nullibi invenit Ne quidem in Anglia, m A Defcription of a Country-Life. 2 §9 Nifi in Ecdefi& Sarisburienfis Cathedra, Ubi nunc magnifice fedet In fui Gloriam, Ecclejia Regnique dedecus, Et bonorum tmnium Trijlitiam. De Moribus fuis corrigendis pariim follicitus,. Precibus publicis in melius (Si Diis placet) reformandis Tot us incumbit; Orandus eft, ut, inter alias novas, Quas meditator, formulas, Hanc precatiunculam Secundum Ufum Sarum, Interferere curaret : Hie in 'templo negotiator! Da mihifallere, da fanftum juftumq; videri, Noclem Peccatis iff Fr audi bus obice Nubem. Vivit nobis, v& nobis bis in Anglia, Mazarinus alter ; Vidimus triumph are fugitwum, Et regnare Exulem. A Defcription of a Country-Life, In a Letter to Mr. P in London, June 2. 1692. IF I did not love you better than our Statefman do a new Plot, a Fop a new Fafhion,. and the Wou'd- be Wits at Wills do a new Criticifm, I would never leave a Parcel of honeft Fellows that are now dulling ic about, to retire to a Corner by my felf, and fend you the Tranfaftions of Hartfordfhire. So much by way of Preface, without which even a Let- ter to a Friend now-a-days, not to mention thofe unwiel- dy things call'd Epiftles Dedicatory, is thought as na- ked, as an Archdeacon's Hat would be thought by the Country People, without a Rofe in it. I have now pafs*djuft two tedious Months in the Coun- try and cannot forbear now and then to cry out, with a lit- tle Alteration from the words of our beloved Horace : Q 260 A Defcription of O Urbs, qnando ego te afpiciam, quandoq; licebit Pbvl/ide nunc pulcbra, nunc Bacchi divite fucco Ducere follicitee jucunda oblivia vita ! The Effects of this curfed War appear no where fo lamentably as they do in thefe Parts of the World. In London you only and it in your Gazettes and News-Papers. You have the Phy-houie to divert you, and the Taverns are as much crouded a? ever. Here we have Company indeed, and Drink ; but when we confider how much the latter is degenerated from what it was in the time of Peace, it palls our Mirth, and we are as heavy-hearted as the Jews of old were at the fight of- their fecond Temple. The Wine, in thofe few Places where we find it, is fo intolerably bad, that tho' 'tis good for nothing elfe, 'tis a better Argument for Sobriety, than what all the Vo- lumes of Morality can afford. My Companion, Jack Freeman, who you know is a Libertine in his Nature, fays, it ought to be imployed only in facred Ufes ; for whatever Preparation it deferves beforehand, it never fails of giving a Man a Week's Repentance afterwards. The Duce take me, if, in fome of my fullen Moments, I don't envy a London Fly, I don't mean an Inhabitant of Smlthfield or JVapping, but one that tipples in a cre- ditable Tavern, fomewhere about the Exchange or Tem- ple-Bar. Where this forry Stuff is not to be had, we are forc'd, in our own Defence, to take up with Punch; but the Ingredients are as long a fummoning, as a Colo- nel would be recruiting his Regiment. In my Confci- ence, the King might fooner get a Convocation of ho- neft difinterefted Church-men together. We muft fend to a Market-Town five Miles off for Sugar and Nutmeg, and five Miles beyond that for rotten Lemons. Water it felf is not to be had without travelling a League for it, and an unfan&ify'd Kettle fupplies the Place of a Bowl. Then when we have mix'd all thefe noble Ingre- dients, which, generally fpeaking, are as bad as thofe the Witches in Mackbetb jumble together to make a Charm, we fall to contentedly, and fport off an Aftejnoon. Tis true* a Country Life. 261 true, our Heads fuffer for it next Morning, but what is that to an old Soldier ? We air onr felves next Morning on the Common, and the Sin and the Pain are forgotten together. At other times we do Penance in Hale March-Beer, which fills and clogs, but never infpires. If it gives a- ny Mirth, 'tis fickly and faint, like the Light one receives from burnt Brandy, and our Smiles, like thofe of the moody Almanxor in the Play, are hardly to be diftinguifh- ed from a Frown. This Courfe of Life we led till our Stock was all exhaufted at home, and then 'twas with us in the Cafe of Drink, what it was formerly between Ma- homet and the Mountain upon another Occafion. If the Drink won't come to us, we muft e'en go to the Drink, and that we do with a witnefs ; for we make longer Pil- grimages to a Tub of Ale, than a Jefuit would undergo to make a Royal Convert. Our Director, in thefe mat- ters, is an honeil Parfon of the Neighbourhood, one that has made a fhift to get a red Nofe and a double Chin in the Service of the Church, though he has bat thirty Pound a Year ; and to keep his Palate Orthodox, and ftill in Tune, he carries the Tip of a dry'd Neat's-Tongue al- ways in his Pocket. He has fome Acquaintance with Books and Critical Learning, and pretends to have difco- vered a falfe reading in Minutius Felix, which has hither- to efcap'd all the German Commentators. 'Tis that fa- mous PafTage, Non magna loquimur, fedvivimus. He fays* and proves it by the Context, that it ought to be bibimus, and has brought us all to be of his Opinion. In fhort, you may talk of your Secretaries of State, and Minifters as long as you pleafe ; but he's a Perfon of the moil uni- verfal Intelligence I had ever the Honour to be acquaint- ed with. No fooner does one Tub decline, but he has his EmifTaries to tell him when another is fit to bl' ed ; and thus ten miles round him. Then we (addle our Hor- fes, and make as much hafte to examine the VeiTel, as a MefTenger does to feize a Delinquent come from France* Having thus tired you with our drinking, you expecl, I fuppofe, to have an account of our Women. I was five days in this Family, before I faw a Female Face. Whatever the matter is, they [are as fhy of being feen by a Lom» f.6% A Defcription of Londoner, as a Dutch Trooper, or as the modefteft Ani- mal in the Univerfe, is of meeting a French Dragooner in Flanders. But t'other Morning, as I walk'd in the Garden, I heard a fqueaking Treble murder a Play-houfe Tune, at leaft as old as herfelf : however it was new here, andprefently after a thing in a Commode look'd out of the Window, but as merrily as King Charles II. peeps out of the Royal Oak in a Country Sign. The Governefs of the Caftle at laft: believed w r e were no Monfters, and * efolved to give us the Honour of her Company. I ne- ver faw fo diminitive a Creature in my days ; when fhe came into the Dining-Room between her two {trapping Daughters, that were at leaft fix Foot high, fhe look'd, methinks, like a Pair of Snuffers between two Monu- ment Candlefticks. After the firft Salutation was over, fhe complain'd of the Taxes, and the Sins of the Age that occaiion'd them ; but for all her Sanctity, the old Gentlewoman thought it no Sin, it feems, to paint, which fhe had laid on as thick as an Author does Flattery * in a Dedication. The Fucks had beftow'd ibme red upon her Cheeks, by the fame Token it made them guilty of 3. piece of falfe Chronology. It made refemblance of Youth amongft Furrows and Wrinkles ; fo I could not help thinking upon fome of Varelfts Pieces, where you f;e Winter and Summer Flowers, that never grow toge- ther, join'd in one Picture. But for all that, 'twas a ve- ry godly difcreet old Lady. She ask'd us a i ooo Queftions about the Funds and the Lotteries, and whether fhe might difpofe her Money fafely to the Government ? No doubt on't,Madam,the Confederates and we are an hundred thou- fand ftrong in Flanders ; befides Rufel has plaid the Devil with them at Sea. The Meffieurs, one of thefedays, will come upon their Knees to fupplicate for a Peace ; and fo we parted for that time. A few days after, this old Lady defir'd Jack Freeman and me to bear her and her Daughters Company to a Wedding in the neighbouring Village. At the very menti- on of a Wedding we rejoie'd as much as the People in Cornwall do at the News" of a Wreck. So down we went to the Farmer's Houle, whofe Heir Apparent was to be matrimonially bound to his good Behaviour. The Bride was a fat frcilv- colour 'd Wench, well built and ruddy, and a Country Life. 16$ and a great Pains-taker (to ufe Harry Htgdeih word) I dare warrant for her. The Husband Eled look'd fome- what grum upon the matter, as knowing how much Bu- finefs he had upon his hands. To be ihort, we faw them condu&ed to the enchanted Cattle, where the facred Ma- gician peiform'd his Office. When he came to the ter- rible Words you wot of, the Bridegroom look'd as pale as a Parion that preaches a ftollen Sermon at a Vifitation ; and the Bride, after the laudable Cuftom of her Sex, dropt a few precious Tears, and wip'd them off with her Hand- kerchief. From thence we came back to the old Place of Rendezvous, where one would have thought the whole Country was aflembled to behold the Ceremony ; but 'tis an old commendable Cuftom of your Mothers, all Eng- land over, to bring their Daughters to fuch a Sight, to prepare them for what they muft undergo another day ; as your Keepers call in their young Dogs at the plucking down of a Stag, to enter them. All Dinner-time the Bridegroom and Bride ogled one another like Adam and Eve in an old Bible-Cujt. When that was over, we re- moved into the Yard, where we fhaked our Heels in Frefco, and towards -the cloie of the Afternoon were in- terrupted by a parcel of Country Fellows, with a Fiddle at the head of them, who gave us a fpice of their Abili- ties under an Elm -tree. When I fir ft faw them move, • they gave me an Image of Lueretius's Atoms, and how fhey jumbled and interfered' in the Vacuum. I could not forbear to make another Reflexion upon it, which fliows upon what Chimerical Grounds People build their Satis- faction. Thefe Fellows, by the pure Inftincl: of Nature, did what Mr. Dogget has learnt to do with Pains and long Imitation ; yet Mr. Dogget pleafes, and we fhould hifs thefe off the Stage for Scoundrels and Blockheads. A little before Supper we had a CefTation of Fiddles, and our old Lidy, whofe Piety and Pthyiick make her equally trouUefome to her felf and all the World befides, began the Difcourfe with complaining of the ftrange De- baucheries of the Men; and to fhew her wonderful Cha- rity, was pleas'd to affirm, that not one Man in five-hun- dred that has been bred in London, but has pafs'd the Chirurgeon's hands, two or three times before the D.iy «f 2 64 ^ Defer iftion of of Marriage. -Well, the. Lord be praifed, fays a Gen- tlewoman newly married, that fat next her, I have no reafon to complain of my Husband, he is no Drunkard, make me thankful for't, nor given to lewd Company, and, what few of my Neighbours can fay, I am fo fure he never knew any Woman before .my felf. — Sure on't ! cries Jack Freeman, rifing up and bowing to her. For Heaven's fake, Madam, how was it poffible? For Mofes, Madam— Pugh ! fays fhe, what do ye tell me of Mofes ? — With fubmirTion, Madam, Mofeswzs an honeft Gentleman, and tho' he fat down certain. Marks by which a Man may know whether his Wife comes a Maid to him Lord ! what fluff is herer Yet he no where inftrucls the Women to know whether the Men have been trefpamng before. No matter for that Did you believe him then upon his own Word? —I won't tell you whether I did or no ? ■ Or did you difcover him to be a Virgin, as we do a raw undifciplin'd Soldier ?— How is that — Why, Madam, by the awkard handling of his Arms, and making his Attacks irregularly. — With that all the Men fell a laugh- ing, and the Women blufh'd behind their Fans. But this was not enough for Jack Freeman, for with an AiTurance equal to that of a thorough-pae'd Evidence, tho' he never faw this Woman's Husband in his Life be- fore, yet as if he had been one of his old intimate Ac- quaintance, he thus went on Indeed, Madam, I can't tell what Stories Mr. iV— might tell you of his own Virtue, and all that, but I knew him perfectly at the U- niverfity. He and I, Madam were of the 'fame College, I believe we have drank this Room full of bottled Ale together, and we took him for no Saint there. There, went a fcurvy Report of him, but I won't juftify it; becaufe Fame's a common Harlot, and a Lyar ab initio. But the Report was, I remember, that he was very great with his Bedmaker; no tawdry young Creature,. I muft do him that Juitice, but a grave, ftay'd difcreet Perfon, a venerable old Matron, upon my word, and fit to have made a Wife for Burgerfdicius, if ever you heard of him. She wore about her Girdle fome threefcore and ten Keys, which, when fhe walked, made as delicious Mufick as a Carrier* a Country Life. 26$ Carrier's Bells. And, Madam, we had a Tradition a- mongft us, that he feduc'd this ancient Perfon witfi Ninepence in hard Money, and a pair of blue Worried Stockings, but God forbid that I mould affirm this; yet, for all I know, it may be true, for, Madam, all Flefh is frail. Upon this the Company laughed as hearti- ly as before ; the poor Gentlewoman look'd blank in the Mouth, but Supper came very feafonably to her Relief; io to eating we fell, then the Fiddlers (truck up, and we danc'd till ten. At which time the old People taking the Bride's Cafe into Confi deration, whofe Concupi- fcence had Hood upon tip-toes ever flnce the Parfon had put her into the Church-pound, took her up Stairs, and, as Mr. Otzcay fays, difh'd her neatly in Bed. What happened afterwards you may eafily guefs. 'Tis a Sign you don't know when you are well, other- wife you would not long fo furioufly to be here, only upon the fcore of the Country-Nymphs, as you call them ; for I dare engage you'd foon wifh yourfelf home again. A raw Wench here in the Country, not to recount to you a thoufand other Impertinences, before you can bring her to bear, will put you to the Devil and all of Expence in Perjury : All which is laved in London. The Women there, are better bred than to ask it of you, or elie know the World too well to depend upon it. Produce but the half Piece, and they trouble their Heads no farther about you. But here you mult run through as ftrict a Scru- tiny, as if you were to take a Poll of the greater* Truft in the Government And, my Dear, will you be cverlaitingly true to me— No doubt on't, Child -But when you have ferved your Turn, you will leave me for fomebody elfe— But'indeed I won't— It would break my Heart if you mould— Never fear it— Swear then, my Dear,— Why there is no occafion— But you fhall fwear, dear Rogue, now your Honey bids you, or,— So then you are obliged to part with as many Oaths in a Moment, as would handfcmely maintain one of the King's Majefty's Garrifons for a twelvemonth. Now this is very hard upon the Subject, efpecially the tender-con- feiene'd : Nay, to give you the lad Proof of their ill-breed* ing, in the critical" Minute of Tov, when they ought to Vol. IV. tf t* •266 A Defcription of> &c* be all Rapture and Contemplation, then, even then, when they mould be wrapt up in holy Silence, they'll ask you a thousand foolifh Queftions, as mal a propos, as if one mould interrupt a Popift Prieft at the Elevation, and ask him what a clock it is* You comphin that the Damfels with you drefs too fine, and that a pretty Wo- man, fet out in all the Advantages of Art, is too lufcious a Dim to feed upon, and as bad as Sack and Sugar. I can anfwer for no body's Palate but my own ; and cannot help faying with the fat Knight in Harry the Fourth: If Sack and Sugar is a Sin, the Lord have Mercy on the wicked. During my Stay in thefe Parts, I have reconciled my felf to all the Sports of the Country, but Fox-hunting, *They have got me out twice upon that account, but if ever they get me again, I'll give them leave to hang me. For my part, I believe fome Prieft firft invented it, be- caufe it requires fo much implicit Faith, and the Drud- gery is fo ftupid. A Man mull venture his Neck for a thing he never fees, and when he has got it, 'tis not worth his while. And this Doctrine I daily Preach to the Gentlemen, but they mind me no more than the Bankers in Lonibardftreet did the zealous David Jme's declaiming againft Ufury. Thus I have plagu'd you with a tedious long Letter, which I have not Patience enough to look over again, end going to make Excufes for it, I am interrupted by the following Compliments What a Plague are you doing all this while by your felf Here you have fcor'd you ten GlaiTes Come, or we mall lay a heavier Fine upon you .... Thus I am forced to con- clude with fubferibing my felf, Tour .rnoji humble Servant. T. Brown, A Bantering Letter; i6y £ Bantering Letter to a Vintner living near the Royal-Exchange, under the borrovfd Name of a Juftice of Peace's Clerk, about a Bajlard- Child. SIR, Grays- Lift, Aug. 23. 1703; A LTHO' I am wholly a Stranger to you, yet as "^ all of us ought to do mutual good Offices to one a- nother, I was eafily inclin'd to do you the folio wing Kindnefs, if you pleafe to make it one, for I can afTure you I intended it as fiich, and that without the lead mercenary Profpect of being rewarded for my Pains. Know then that Mr. Daniel Arrozvfmitb the Hoiier, one of the Churchwardens belonging to St. Andrew** Hoi- born, brought to my Matter, the Worfhipful Mr. Juftice Ireton, at his Chambers in Gray:- bin, about the Hours of eight and nine this Morning, a young Woman, whofe Name is JuJith fiferryzoeatber, living in Leather-lane, at the Sign of the Hat and Feather. The Beadles of the Parim had fome time ago obfcrved her to look as if ihe was big-bellied, and knowing her to have no Husband, ac- quainted the two Chordr irdeh! clow the Bars, (for you muft know, Sir, we have four in all belonging to our Parim) with the matter, who repair*d very early to her Lodgings this Morning, and upon the Parim Mid- wife's attefting her to be with Child, they very feverely examin'd who was the true Father of the Child, other- wife threatning to fend her to Nczv-Prifon, near Ijling- ton. At the firft Hie would make no Confeffion, pre- tending fhe had a Husband at Sea in the Britannia', but being required by my Worfhipful Mafrer, Juftice Ire ton, to produce the Certificate of her Marriage, fhe frankly own'd atlaft, that it was her Misfortune, fome fix Months ago, to be pick'd up by you in High-Holborn, and that you carried her to the Rummer-Tavern in Grays- Inn Paf. iage, where, in the Green Room up two Pair of Stairs, you debauched her twice upon a Chair, by the fame Token you gave her half a Crown in hand, and pro- N 2 mti§. 268 ^Letter to mis'd her a Pair of Blue Silk Stockings ; concluding, that Ihe was never concerned with any Man in the World but you, and that Ihe was re.idy to confirm this upon Oath. My Mailer hearing that you were a young Man, rnewiy let up for your felf, and being loth to expofe your Reputation, the Soul and Life of a Tradefman, to the malicious Cenfure of the World ; he refufed to admit •the young Wench to fwear againft You, and particular- ly fpoke to the two Churchwardens, Mr. DuJiielArrow- Jmitb Hofier, and Mr. Jacob Tbimblefzvortb Cheefemon- ger, to endeavour to make up this Matter amicably with you, to conceal your Name, and give you the meeting this Afternoon at Six of the Clock, at the Three-Tim Ta- vern near Holborn-Bars, and make as eafy a Bargain for you as he can poffible, in cafe they conje&ur'd you to be the right Father ; which will foon appear when the young Wench and you are confronted together. Then, Sir, he ordered me to write this Letter to you, to ac- quaint you with the Time and Place of Meeting ; as alfo to be there my felf, and give him an Account at Night of all Particulars. So, Sir, if you pleafe to enquire for Number Six, at the aforefaid Tavern, you will certain- .]y find us there attending your coming, in hopes thereof you'll make a fhort end of this fcurvy Bufinefs. I re- jnain, tho* unknown, Yours to Command, Peter Ayloff. P. S. The young 'Woman is about Sixteen, frefh- coloured, but a little frickled, and redhair'd. Her Mo- ther keeps an Apple-ftall. A Letter to a young LADY. T Have languifhed a whole tedious Week, which, in *■ the computation of us Lovers, is an Age at leait, under the fevereft Pains that can be imagined; and yet, Madam, you have not vouchfafed to exprefs the lea/1 companion for my Sufferings, tho' you are the cruel Occafjon of them. Why mould Beauty* affeft arbitrary Sway, and take Delight in the Ruin of its moll faith- a Young LADY 169- faithful Adorers ? Or why mould fo paffionate a Heart as mine is, that would gladly facrifice the whole Univerfc to purchafe your?, be rewarded only with Scorn and Contempt ? Oh let me conjure you by thofe. dear kil- ling Eyes, that have robbed me of my Repofe, to let me know my Crime, and wherein I have offended you,., that the whole Services of my Life may atone for my TranfgreiTnn : If you are refolvcd to makemeyour Vic- tim, do but let me kmw lb much, and Til die with the Eagcniefs and Refignation of a Martyr : For, alas ! my Defpair at preient haa fo effe&ually mortify'd me, - tint fhould you continue to be fevere, Death' will be a wel- come Deliverer to the moll unfortunate, T, Brown. HENRICUS HAMMONDUS jf D cujus nomen ajfurgit •* 3 Quicquid.eft.gentis liter at a, \ {Dignum Nomen, , £>uod Auro, non Atramento, Nee in Marmore perituro, fed Adamanie pQtiu< Exaretur) Mafageres celeberimus, vir plane fummus, yheologus omnium confummatijjimus, jgErudita. Pietatis decus fimul cif exemplar ,- 3£* Saeri Cod ids inter pres Facile omnium oculatij]i?nuSy, Error um Malleus, Pojl homines naros felicifflmus,. Veritatis Hyperafpijlei Supra quam did poteji Nervofus f In cujus fcriptis ilucefc tnt Ingenii Qravitas cif acumen, jfudicii Sublimit as & 'A^'/Ssia, Senientiarum "Oj.xoc & 4w0T«r f Doc end i Methodus utilijjima, Vufq'iam dormitans Diligent: a \ Hammondus (inquam) ir«.w f N 3 Jm 270 An Epitafh on Algernoon Sidney. In ipfa mortis Vicinia pofttus, Immortalitati quaji contiguus, Exuvias Mortis venerand&s {Prater quas nihil mortale habuit) Sub obfeuro hoc Marmore Latere voluit, VII. Cat. Maias, Ann. JEtat. LV. MDCLX. An Epitaph on Algernon Sidney, i6%S* ' ydLgernon Sidmy fills this Tomb, S* An Atheift, by difclaiming Rome; A Rebel bold, for ftriving flill To keep the Laws above the Will, ! And hind'ring thefe wou'd tread 'em. down, To leave no Limits to a Crown: Crimes, damn'd by Church and Government, But, Oh! where muft his Soul be fent? Of Heav'n it ever muft defpair, If that the Pope be Turn-Key there : And Hell it ne'er can entertain, For there is alltyrannick Reign; And Purgatory's fuch Pretence, It ne'er receiv'd a Man of Senfe : Where goes it then ? Why, where it ought to go, Where neither Pope, nor Devil have to do. An Epitaph on TRUE, Q^een MARY's DOG. I F Wit, or Honefty, could fave Our mould'ring Ames from the Grave, Thi. Stone had yet remain'd unmark'd, I Hill writ Profe, and True flill bark'd : But envious Fate has claim 'd its Due, Here lies the mortal part otTrue ; His } An Epitafh on a Stumbling- Hvrfe. 2jt His deathlefs Virtues mull furvive, To better us that are alive. His Prudence, and his Wit, were feen" In that, from Mary's Grace and Mien, He own'd the Pow'r, and lov'd the Queen : By long Obedience he confefs'd, That ferving her was to be blefs'd : Ye Murmurers, let True evince That Men are Beafts, and Dogs have Senfe. His faith and Truth all Whitehall knows, ~> He ne'er could fawn, or flatter thofe £- Whom he believ'd were Marys Foes : 2> Ne'er fculk'd from whence his Sovereign led him, Nor fnarl'd againft the Hand that fed him .• Read this, you Statefmen now in Favour, And mend your own, by True's Behaviour. An Epitaph on a Stumbling- Horfe. HERE lies the' Horfe beneath this Stone* Who living, oft has lain on one : A noble Steed, who, as he went, Proclaim'd ftill his high Defcent : A proudly headed Nag he was, And hence it often came to pafs; Tho' he his Feet nought valued, He ftill Hood much upon his Head. He was no War-Horfe, yet , he knew The Art to fquat and lie perdu ; Yea, many a Horfe, long train'd in Wars, Had never half fo many Scar?: There's only this fmall Difference in't, Theirs were Steel Wounds, but his of Flint He was no Hunter, nor did care To follow Ch.ice of Fox or Hare ; Yet had this Property of Hound, He ftill was fmelling on the Ground. And tho' Dame Nature did not frame Him for a Finder of the Game ; N 4. Yet 272 An Epitaph on a Stumbling- Hor ft. Yet were it loft, none certainly Wou'd fooncr ftumble on't than he. He was no Racer, as fome fay, Tho* fome conclude the other way ; And fay, for Swiftnefs, he might run Againft the Horfes of the Sun: For tho' full fwift Don PkoLbus be, This wou'd be fooner down than he : For his Opinion, Critick-Wit Does vary much in gueffing it : Some fay he was Conformift bred, He bow'd fo low ; but fome this Steed Think may for Ncnconformift go, At ^VGr/ thing he ftumbles fo. Some think him Presbyter, 'caufe he Brings Rider down to Purity. But fome fay no, for, by this knack, He flill throws Jocky from his Back. Some for Rebaptilt him befpatter, For dipping Rider eft in Water ; But all no Quaker him conclude, Becau e with Knee RefpecT: he fhew'd ; Some think him Papiit, 'caufe fo prone He was to worfhipping of Stone : Some think again, that Tripping he Confutes Infallibility. But moll allow him (which is worie) No more Religion than a Horfe : Well, now he's dead, nor Wonder is't, For Mother-Earth long fince he kift ; And what it was, full well did know, To turn his Heels up long ago. If any to enquire fhall pleafe What caus'd his Death, 'twas a Difeafe, Call'd Epilepfe by learned Leech, But falling-Sicknefs in plain Speech. And to confirm it for a Truth, He often foamed at the Mouth. And our good Coroner finds he hath, By his own Humbling, caus'd his Death. In O R A C U L U M. 273 In King's Highway, pray let him reft, With this Infcription on his Breaft : Here lies the Horfe, th.it fell and rofe before, But now (the Learned fay) mull rife no more.; ORACULUM. T^Xulta, Germania ! ■*-* Venit enim Tempus, %uo Nomen Leopoldus tranfit in omen, Pello duos Capitales.fcilicet Germanise Hojlesi ; Pulfum jam alter um vidimus, Alterum brevi pellendum fperamus, . Sultanum & Ludovicum, Utrumque magnum \ Alterum quondam Orbis.Terrorem, nunc LudrbVum, Turc'm fub Mo, a tot f&cults, GdWiz-fub hoc, a paucis lujlris, Inviftum fe jaclitavit : Alterum vinci pojfe, alter docuit. Uterque cum Gcrmanis ferit Inducias viginti Annorum, Sed & f regit-, Alter fub Finem, fub Initium alter : Pari uterque Uf/s pr&textu* - Ille, ut Comitem de Tekefyy Hie, ut Principem de Furftemberg, Firmaret. Tekley Chrifiianus contra Chriftianos v Furftemberg Germanus contra Germanos ; © Uterque duxit Hoftes, Sed pari ut fperamus fuccejfu. Nee omine caret - Ludovicus nomine Efecimus quartus.: Interroganti' earn, Quid es ? Sum Turca : Nomen tsf Omen referre, # Sluts diffitebitir ergo, Quid Ludovicus Turca N- 5 Psrm. if\ Prophecies out ^/Merlin'i Carmen I Paremcum Turca ex per turns Jit fort imam ? Traajit earn Nox, Qua Noclurnwrn Sidus, & Animal, Luna, £ff Gallus, regnant : Exortuj eft dies ; Nam Luna per fokm ccepit obfcurari : £t cum Aquila inter Solis verfetur radios,. Dejiit Gallicinium, Nee Gallus amplius cantabit. Venit enim Temp us £>uo LVDoVlCVs MagnVs breVIfht parVV r s r Nam Liter a numerates dant numtfum MDCLXXXV1IL ^he Epfom Duel, 1689. T Sing of a Duel in Epfom befel, A 'Twixt fa-fo-la Durfey, and fo-ta-mi Bell: But why do I mention the fcribbling Brother ? For naming the one, you may guefs at the other. - Betwixt them there hnppen'd a horrible Clutter, Bell fet up the loud Pipes, and Durfey did fplutter. Draw, Bell, wer't thou Dragon, I'll fpoil thy foft Note, Thy fqueaking, {aid t'other, for I'll cut thy Throat. With a Scratch on the Finger the Duel's difpatch'd, Thy C line as ( O Sidney ! ) was never fo m^.tch'd. Prophecies out of Merlin'j Carmen, 1 6go, si Rt burns veniet Clypeo ceu nomen ab Aureo •* Sive a Divitiis ne querit mminh umbram Bed verice certe : Majoribus integer avfis. JEolios certo fibi junget fceJerefratrcs, Non unda, mn faxa ilium, non impius Enfis, I-npediunt current em, cf> 5 mollia jujfa ferentem. Diis Cbarum, facruinq-, caput nee fuhnina tangent, Axem bumcris torquet, fugit inde volubile Ferrum, Abfohitque Deos tantum peccare timentes* Alias The Cavalcade, &c 275 Alias per juncofque dabit j fed proximo Mt'JJls Li/ia, fie Domitas lati Utabitur Orbis. Interea Diros fremitus Terraque Marique, De/phinogeum tunc circumludete Monflrum, Per Regis Cameras, c&li laquearibus aptas Multaque tunc infanda videbitis. His dare finem Ferridus Ifiacis curret Neptunus ab Undis, Nee fere t hoc Dux Penigerum. Sure as ye live, who Arthur's'? 2XZ deplore, He.w'n for you has an Arthur yet in ftore ; Behold his Deeds, and thence the Man proclaim, Tho'a gilt Helm on Riches (lamp his Name. From JEolus he calls a ready Wind, And carries every Element his Friend, Heav'ns Darling ! Him no Inurnment of War May touch, nor boldeft Thunder finge his Hair. O JEilus ! O ye Gods ! The Ball is hurl d, That Shoulder hurt, where will you fix the World. He, Britain's Angel, in one Moon fhall mow The Flags and Rufhes which in Bog/and grow, The Lillies, a white Harveft, next fhall crown His ficred Head, and all the World's his own, Agaiffft God's Wind, tho' Hell may drive the Tide In the King's Chambers, tho' a Dolphin ride ; Yet fure that Rout mall the proud Dragon rue, St.- Michael comes with all his winged Crew ; And Neptune will the Brutes no longer bear, Thunder begins, and Wcnder ends the War. *Fhe Cavalcade, and disbanding the Royal Re- giment j a Ballard for Jo. Haynes > 1690. I. AL L you that have Proteftant Ears to hear, Each of you prepare to fhed a fait Tear ; For know that our Monarch intends to disband The only brave Heroes could conquer Ireland* II. The fierce Royal Regiment, as brave Men and willing, As Dutchmen, or Danes, or thsfe Jnneskilling, Muft 276 The Cavalcade, &c. Muft now be cafhier'd without any Rewards, Who once did pretend to precede the King's Guard?. III. O had you but feen them march with that Decorum, That no Roman Triumph eou'd e'er go before them ; Some fmoaking, fome whittling, all thinking no harm, Like Yorkjbire Attornies coming up Co a Term. IV, On Long-Tails, on Bob-Tails, on Trotters, on Pacers, On Pads, Hawkers, Hunters, on Higlers, or Racers ; You'd have fworn Knights, Squires, Prigs, Cuckolds and Panders, Appear'd all like fo many Great Alexander. V. Thefe Heroes^ who thorow all Dangers durfl go, Moft bravely defpifmg Blood, Battel, and Foe, Were mounted on Steeds the laft Lord Mayor's Day, From Turkey, Spain, Barbary, Coach, Cart, and Draw VI. Twas on that very day their Prowefs was fhownj For guarding the King thro' the Fire-works o'th' Town ; The Sparks were unhorft, and their lac'd Goats were. fpoil'd , Vet thefe fear'd no Squibs orManj Woman, or Child. VII. The Cornet, whcfe Nofe tho* it fpoke him no Roman,, Was mounted that Day on a Horfe feared no Man ; Believe me, for all o'er his Trappings fo fumptuous, He ty'd Squibs and Crackers, 'twas mighty prefumptuous. But note his Defign, 'twas worth your admiring,. 'Twas to let the Queen fee how his Horfe would fland" firing ; Not wifely confidering what 'twas to be married, For at firing the Squibs his own Miftrefs mifcarried. IX. Th' Anabaptift, who fqairts his Zeal into his Maid, In his Jackboots, both Night and Day, preach'd, flept, and pray'd ; For jingling his Spurs chim'd them al! in as well To Sermon, or Prayers, as any Sans-BelL The Cavalcade^ Sec. 277 x. The Lieutenant-Colonel being thrown by his Jennet, His Son-in-law thinking fome Treachery in it, Did tender him the Oaths, which the Horfe took they fay, But fworeby the Lord they went down like chopp'd Hay* XI. He the Beaft of an Irijb Papift did buy,. So doubting his Courage and his Loyalty, Taught him to eat with his Oates Gunpowdero, And prance to the Tune of old Lilly-Burlero. XII. A noble flout Scrivener, who now fliall be namelefs, That in time of Aclion he might be found" blamelefs, A War- horfe of Timber from a Dutch Carver Buys, To learn with more Safety the Korfe-exercife. XIII. With; one Eye on's Honour, the other, oil's Gain, He fixes a Desk on Bucephalus Main ; That fo by that means he his Palfry beitridmg, Might practice at once both his writing and riding. XIV. But o* the fad News that our Heroes confounds , To Ireland their own like the laft Trumpet founds ; The King has invited Lord Mayor and Shreive Hublin, To dine upon Midfummer-Dzy: with him in Dublin. XV. Good Lord ! how this News fets the Champions a trem- bling, And now quite forgetting their wonted difTembling, Can think them of nothing but Suits and Petitions, Of humble Addreffes, of Terms and Conditions. XVI. O who'll march for me ? now fpeak any that dare* A Horfe and a hundred Pounds for him that's fair ; Dear Courtier excufe me from Teague land and Slaughter, And take, which you pleafe, my Wife or my Daughter. XVII. 'Some feign'd to be lame, fome feign'd to be clapt, At laft finding they themfelves had thus trapt, Unanimoufly they to the King all addreft, And told the bare Truth, 'twas all but a Jell. XVIII, 278 A Ballad on the Times, 1696, XVIII. A Jeft ! quoth the King, and with that the King fmil'd, It ne'er mail be laid fuch a Jeft mall be fpoil'd ; Therefore, now I break you, in Peace all depart, For 'twas more your Goodnefs than my DeferU XIX. Thus happily freed from the dreadful Vexation, Of being Defenders of this or that Nation, They kifs'd Royal Fift, were drunk all for Joy, Then broke all their Swords, and cry'd, Vive le Roy', ^BALLAD on the Times y 1 656, I. GOod People, what will you of all be bereft ? Will you never learn Wit while a Penny is left ? We are all, like the Dog in the Fable, betray'd, To let go the Subftance, and fnap at the Shade: Our fpecious Pretences, And foreign Expences, To war for Religion, will wait all our Chink ; It's dipt, and it's fnipt, It's lent, and it's fpeftt, Till 'tis eone, till 'tis gone, to the Devil, I think. II. We pay for our New-born, and we pay for our Dead ; We pay if w'are Single, we pay if we Wed : Which mews, that our merciful Senate don't fail To begin at the Head, and tax down to the Tail. We pay through the Nofe, For fubje&ing of Foes ; But, for all our Expences, get nothing but Elows : Abro d w'are defeated, At Home we are cheated ; And the end on't, the end on't, the Lord above knows. III. We have parted with all our old Money, to fhew How we *oo!ifhly hope for a Vlenty of New ; But might have rememler'd, when't came to the Pum, That a Bird in the Hand, is worth two in the Bum : W c LOV E-L E T T E R S, &C. 279 We now, like poor Wretches, s Are kept under Hatches, At Rack and at Manger, like Beafts in the Ark ; Since our BurgeiTes and Knights Make us pay for new Lights, Why fhou'd we, why mo'u'd we be kept in the Dark i Love-Letters Written to Madam Main tenon, S to lien out of her Clofet by one of her Servants. A The Mar qui fs de Chevereufe'/ Live-Letter. Madam, FTER having oftentimes allured you in Conver- fation, that I love you more than my (qW 7 1 take the Liberty to write to you, that J may give you fuller Evi- dences of my Sincerity, and at the fame time to make this Proteftation before you, that notwithstanding all your In- difference, I fhall ever perfevere to- adore you. I am fenii- bly afflicted that I had not the Honour to take my leave of you before my Departure : I have fought every occa- sion with the utmoft Diligence; but y u, my cruel Fair one, think that I am not fufficiently punifh'd for my Tranf- greffions, either by your Rigor, or my own Defpair. You have hitherto induitrioufly avoided my Company, ,be- caufe you very well forefaw, that one Moment of your charming Converfation would fweeten and Ienify all that Chagrin which your Abfence had created. Let me per- fuade you, Madam, to quit all thofe Cruelties that are {o difagreeable, and contrary to the fairefl Sex ; confider the Violence of my Paffion, and by an act of Generofl- ty, which is fo peculiar to your Nature, return one Heart for another ; mine is altogether yours, it will fuffer no other Image to be impreft upon it, but that of your charming Perfor, nor will it be ever feparated from you. Give me therefore fome fmall room in yours, 'tis the on- ly thing in the World which I beg of you, and for the attaining of it, I would willingly abandon my Fortune and 28e> Love-Letters, and my Dignity. Let me then conjure you. Madam, to comply with my Paffion, and make your felf abfolute Miftrefs, not only of my Heart, but alfo of every thing, that I poffefs. The Bearer hereof will brng me your Anfwer ; I befeech you that you'll no more deny me this Favour, than any thing elfe that I have requefted of you ; . without which you'll reduce, to the Extremity of De- fpair, the Perfon, that preferves his Life upon no other fcore than to love, nor his Fortunes, than to ferve yoiL. De Cbeverufe. Hoe Marquifs of Cheverufe to Madam Maintenon. "THIS I find decreed, Mr.dim, and you have refolved Jt my Death ; if that is your Defign, you'll have your fatisfaclion upon me in a few Days j for fince I have. been abfent from you, I have not been able to procure one moment's releafe from my Torments. However, if you'll be pled fed to alleviate my pains with one word from your- adorable H:nd, . I mall have the Confolation to be remembered by you. Do it then, I be r eech you, and if you difitafo to anfwer my Prcfe, at leaft anfwer the Ver- fes, which are fent you by the moll Paffionate and Sin- cere of Lovers, De Cbeverufe, Bo my Adoralle Guillemetts. FAIR Goddefs! whofe victorious Charms Have made a C"»nqiieit o'er my Heart ; "Vv-e.'j vV'U you nil my lonp; expecting Arms, And old my cruel rears deoart. II. . S : -~ce envious Fate your abfence Jias rrocurcl, >. peaceful reft has crown'd the Night. 7 . Day hja ecn no I hid delight. Tea thoufand Martyi-doc^ J luve efldur'd... III. to Madam Maintenon. 281 III. Come, jnake a Victim of yoar Pride, Care my Defpaif, and eafe my Pain, Lay unbecoming Cruelty afide, And to mild Pity ficrijice Di ; dain. IV. Or if mv Fate you have decreed, And p or unhappy I mull bleed, iri a pat'ictick Tone pronounce my Death : And I with freedom will refign my Breath. Love-Vtrfcs,fpoken to Adorable Guillemettc: By the Marquifs of Cheverufe, after his Recovery from a Fainting Fit. I. Ty ELL now, imperious Fair, I find You have your Lover's Death deiign'd : Since you that could have eas'd my wretched State, Have added to my Cares, and urg'd my coming Fate# Go take a Kifs, Love whifpers in my Ear, But Love, alas ! gives place to Fear ; Aweful Refpect difarms my Hands, And to my growing Pailion gives Commands. Ah ! muft your wounded Lover die ? And fee his Balm, and fee his Cure fo nigh ; Or. mail he boldly feize a Kifs ? A Prelude to a greater Blifs. IV. No, he'll a thoufmd Deaths endure, And all Reverfes of his Fate attend, E'er he'll by Sacrilege attempt his Cure* And his dear Guillemette offend, To 2 §2 Love-Let t e rs, To the fame ; delivered by a Peafanu Madam, x am perfwaded, that if I d : d not live entirely for ydii, •*■ I had not been able, by this time, fo much as to lift up my Eyes to fee you without dying. If I could have had the honour to take my leave of you, and know your Sentiments, T had received fufficient Confoktion. Do me then the Favour, that I may enjoy one min ite's Converfation with you, in fome Place or other : Alas!' who could have believed that we mould be fo cruelly fe- p rated, when we werejuil upon the point of meeting ? However, it does not fignify much, and I have that favourable Opinion of your Charity, that it will repair the Lofs we have mutually fqftainea. Adieu, my Dear, let me know how matters go with you. You may con- fide entirely in the Bearer, for he's trufty and faithful. Her Anfwer to the Marquifs, flip into the Peafanr/V Pocket* SIR, A LTHO'I have not feen you fince my Departure •" from yet I have not fuffer'd that Paffion to be extinniiflied, which you have kindled in my Heart ; for a Proof of this let me find you to-morrow about four a Clock difguifed in a Female-Ha>;it, on the fide of the Wood that joins the High-way, there I fhall have the Honour to fee you. Ten Tears after fie ■ was the Mar qui f* J Miftrefs> be propos'd her in Marriage to a Judge of the Finances. The young Judged Letter to the Marquifs, againft entering upon a fecond Marriage, SIR, AFter having made abundance of Reflections upon the Inconvenience and Misfortunes that Marriage ge- nerally to Madam Maintenon, 2 ^3 nerally c.-rries along with it, I have taken up a Refolu- t'on not to venture my felf the fecond time on that out- rageous Sea, but to pais the remainder of my Life in Se- curity in the Harbour: The moil convincing Arguments that ierved to determine my Opinion in this Cafe, were lent me in a Letter by a Poet, a Friend of mine : I have tranferibed a Copy of them for you, that you may fee the Advice which he gives me, and with what an invin- cible Averfion he declaims againft Matrimony Jn the mean time I mall never ceafe to make you all the Ac- knowledgments in the World for your infinite Favours, and I am heartily difpleas'd with my felf, that I cannot force my Inclination fo for, as to offer my Vows to that charming Perfon you deiigned for me. You may rea- ibnably believe, that Providence never defigned me for io great a Blefiing ; however, I mail always refer ve that Honour of writing my felf, Yours, POSTSCRIPT. The Verfes fent in the fame Letter, TH E Husband's the Pilot, the Wife is the Ocean, He always in Danger, me always in Motion : And he that in Wedlock twice hazards his Carcafe, Twice ventures a drowning : and, faith, that's an hard Cafe : Even at our Weapons the Female defeats us, And Death, only Death, can fign our Quietus* Not to tell you fad Stories of Liberty loft, How our Joys arc all pall'd, and our Pleafures all croft, This Pagan Contincrffent, this damnable Station, Suits no Order, nor Age, nor Degree in the Nation. The Levite it keeps from Parochial Duty, For, who can at once mind Religion and Beauty ? The rich it alarms with Expences and Trouble, And a poor Beaft, you know, will fcarce carry double. 'Twas invented, they fay, to keep us from filling, Oh the Virtue and Grace of a fhrill Caterwaul i Butn pales in your Game. Ay, but how do you know, Sir, How often your Neighbour breaks up ; the Enclofure. For 284 L.OVE-L.ET TERS, For this is the principal Comfort of Marriage, You muft eat, tho' a hundred has fpit in your Porridge. True * Woman ne'er minds a Sermon, or Leeiure, Her Glajs is her Guide, an i her Gkojlly Director ; Tien fee primes ber gay Looks with an early Devotion ', Theft jhe paints, and Jbe patches, and Jludies each Motion; Not topleafe the dull Sight ofbe r Conjugal Satyr, But charm and confound every gaping Steel at or. If at Night you're unaftiVfc, and fail of performing, Enter Thunder, and Lightning, and Bloodihed next Morning. Cries the Bone of your Side, Thanks dear Mr. Horner, This comes of your 'inning with Crape in a Corner. Then to make up the Breach, all your Might you muft rally, And labour, and fweat, like a Slave at the Gaily. But Hill you muft charge, Oh blefTed Cond'tion ! Tho' you know to your Cofl, you've no more Ammu- nition. 'Till at laft, my dear mortified Tool of a Man, You are not able to make a poor Flam in the Pan. Fire, Female, and Flood begin with a Letter, And the World for them all fcarce a Farthing's" the better: The Flood foon is gone, and the Fire you may humble,. If into the Flames itore of Water you tumble. But the Fire of a Female, on the word of a Friend, Is ne'er to be quenched, but burns Work! without end. You may call all the Engines and Pumps in the Nation To extinguifh the Flame, and allay 7 itulation, But may pifs out as well the laft Conflagration. Thus, Sir, I have fent you my Thoughts of the Matter, Judge you as you pleafe, but I fcorn to fi-tter. On Enjoyment. But as Refiftance feeds the Flame, And fans the dying Fire ; * Tbefe Lines never printed before. } to Madam Maintenon. 28 $ S-o dull Enjoyment fpoils the Game, By palling the Deiire. Monfieur Scarroiw Sifter $ Verfes on her Bro- ther being, billidafhh Spou fe's Miidenhead on the Marriage-Night. That Stcret being reveafd, broke the Poet'/ Heart. THERE'sno body knows this Secret but I, Which I've heartily fworn to conceal, farmafoy: And I've promis'd without any damn'd Refervation, Not to utter one word to a Soul in the Nation. Then mull I conceal it ? alas and alack ! I may promife as well to bear Pauls on my Back, But then if I tell it, I ruin my Brother, Why i'faith I can't help it, as well he as another. This telling of Secrets is part of our Charter, And for my part* I fvvear, I'll die no body's Martyr. Weil, let me confider once more of the matter, Either burn, or dtfclofe it; why, troth chufe the latter. But then if I fpeak it, f irewel Reputation, ~p Andbelides I may raiie his fevere Indignation, £> Bat what Woman alive can conceal Fornication ? j> Not a Female on Earth can Cuckoldom fmother, Then don't take it ill from your Siller, good Brother: You know what the Matron faid unto her Daughter, Ne'er long keep a Secret, nor long hold your Water. "The French King's Letter to Madam Scarron, who was after Madam Maintenon. t Am to tell you, Madam, that your Refiftance has ex- * treamly aftonihYd me ; me, I fay, that have been hi- therto accuftom'd to Victory, and was never before re- fusM. I always believed, that being a King, it was fufficient to give any fign of my Defire, in order to ac- complifh it ; but I perceive the contrary by your Ri- gours, and therefore to oblige you to foften them, was the 286 On the Df alb of Mrs. Bilton, the eccaiion of this Letter. Let me conjure yo«, my De ..reft, to love me, or at leaft make as if you loved r '. Towards Evening I mall come to fee you, and if ti I fnd you no more favourable to me than at your ( ou will reduce to Extremity of Defpair (he me. paffionatc of Lovers, LOUIS. To M r . Synh — m at Cambridge. SIR, TH E Lines hereunto fubjoin'd, were occafion'd by the Death of a Lady really beautiful and ftriclly virtuous, an Ornament to her Sex, and the Delight of her Parents, and this lovely Flower, even in ! looming, dv'd, what a Lofs the World fufUin'd ? and what Grief was bury'd in O' edience to Almighty Providence? The Refignaticn of her Parents equal'd the Silence of her Departure, and furviving Friends preferve her Me- mory for limitation : Thofe who knew her were tranf- ported with her Converfe, thofe who have truly he: rd of her were aflonifh'd at her Vertues, and her Death feem'd a calm Tranflation from uncertain Comforts to the Throne ofendlefs Happinefs; her p-tient Behaviour di- fpell'd the pufillanimous Clouds of her Relations, dying an Example worthy of their Obfervation, and now pre - fuming the Guard of Chrifthnity a fufficient Barrier againft natural Force, I beg leave to offer the following Copy of Verfes. On the Death of Mrs. Bilton. 71/" HAT could" jl not thou a blooming Beauty (pare f And mujl your Dart defcend onfuch a Fair? Luanda'; dead, and has refigned the Prize To fainter Charms, and lefs inviting Eyes. But 'tis a Sign thour't blind, regardlefs Death, A Vandal zvou'd have f par* d that valid Breath: But thou'rt all Ice, unalterably cold, XJncharm'd by Beauty, and unbrib'd by Gold: Whiljl On the Death of Mrs. Bilton. 287 Whiljl zealous Vows did in the Church afcend Beyond tht Stars, I could not but offend-, Ifix'd my Eyes, and Thoughts, and Heart en you, As a juft Debt, and absolutely Due. Nor /hall that Day ejeape m Calendar, When you afcended, and became a Star. No, 1 will Mnjecrtfe your final Hour, No Time Jh all e'er your Memory devour', La/ling, as Virtue Jhall thy darling Name "\ Survive the Tomb, and aged Honour claim, C And Jhine for ever in the Rolls of'Ba j) Your humble Servant, T. R. The Fable cf the Wolf and Porcupine : la Anfwerto The Argument againit a Stand- ing Army. T Sgrim, with Hunger prefs'd, one Day ■*- As thro' a Wood he pofted, A Porcupine found on the way, And in thefe Terms accoiiea. TI. Our wars are ended, Keavn be prais'd ! Then let's fit down- and prattle Of Towns inveRed, Sieges rais'd, And what we did in Battle. III. The Plains a pleafmg Profpecl: yield, No Fire, nor Defolation ; V hile Plenty reigns in every Field, And Trade reftores the Nation. IV. Yet you your Quills erected wear, And tho' none feeks to harm ye ; In time of Peace about you bear, Methinks, a Standing Army. V. Friend, quoth the Porcupine, 'tis true, The War*s at length decided ; But 288 ^Epitaph ^Pegcy, &c, But 'gainft fuch tricking Blades as you 'Tis good to be provided. VI. Ccnforious Fame mall never lay, That too much Faith betray'd me ; Who thinks of me to make a Prey ; A4uft at his Cofl invade me. VII. Let him, that thinks it worth /he while, Tempt Knaves to make a Matryr ; The Sharpers that would me beguile, Shall find they've caught a Tartar. An E PI TA P H upon Sarah a Taylor's Wife. FROM Abraham's Bofom, full of Lice, To Abrahams Bofom in Paradice ; Poor Sarah's Ghoft has took its Flight, And bid the loufy Rogue fcood-Night. T. Brown. An Epitaph upon Barren Peg. HERE lies the Body of Barren Peg, Who had no J flue, but her Leg : But, to her Praife, for fhe had that Cunning, Whilil one flood ftill, the other was running. T. Brown. An EPITAPH upon charming Peggy. UNder this Marble Peggy lies, Who did fo often fpread her Thighs, And made Philander** Courage rife. This Morfel of delicious Luft, That kifs'd with fo finccre \ Guft, Is now refolv'd to common Dull. Her Hands ( forgive me if I am blunt ) Will now no more, as they were wort Pilot Loves Sailors to her« i. Her fhe Character of Esfa 289 Her Limbs th.it us'd to move fo nice, And taftc Love's Pleafures in a trice, Are now, alas ! as cold as Ice. To tell the Truth, as ftiort as can be, She kill'd her felf with drinking Brandy, And all for her dear Jack-a-Dandy. Thus did our charming Nymph expire, According to her Heart's Defire, And as me liv'd, fhe dy'd by Fir». * Heflor, my Boy, of thee I beg Not to forget the illuftrious Peg, But o'er her Tomb lift up thy Leg. Then pifs fuch Deluges of Rain, In fo exuberant a Strain, As lhall o'erflow the World again. This Tribute's to her Afhes due, Whofe Lofs ten thoufand Youths will rue 5 And fo, immortal Peg, adieu. * the Name of his Danifli Dog* On the Death of the Duke *f Glocester'. TH O R Gloce/lefs Death, which fadly we deplore, lg Though Fate's accus'd, we Ihou'd commend it more J Left he with Burnet's Faith fhould beimbruM, Or learn of C Truth or Gratitude : Left two fuch Matters fhould their Rules inftil, And his young Soul with poifonous Precepts fill. Untimely Fate Heav'n timely did employ, ", And to prelerve the Man, deitroy'd the Boy. A Legacy for the Ladies: Or^ Characters of the Women of the Age* The Qbar after of a Wanton Woman. * THAT which we call Gallantry, is a fortd Remit of the World, and of its Pleafures in general i aiid this Spirit is born with the Female Sex. Their riatural Tem- per contributes much to Foppery j but their Education Vol. IV. O cou- t$o The Character of confirms it, and fo renders the Folly entire. Civilitf in- deed polifhes it, and this is the bell Miftrefs beftow'd up- on it. By I know not what unhappy Fate, the very Care that Art takes of that Sex's Perfections deftroys it : So foon as a Girl learns to fpeak, fhe is taught pretty Things, but few that vttufeful: Her firft Steps are di- rected for Dancing, and to avoid the Trouble and Labour of making her a Vertuous Perjon, her Friends are content- ed to make her a Fine Woman ; fhe is only taught the Art of P leafing, but not of Living well. People wonder now-a-Days at the /^Behaviour and Wantonnefs of Women ; for my part, I wonder as much, at them ; for what can they expect of Perfons thus edu- cated ? Their natural Difpofitions incline them to a foft and eafy Life, and to agreeable Things : Their Beauty creates Self- Love ; and inftcad of deitroying this effemi- nate Tendency they are fupply'd with divers moduli Vi- ces, that ftrengthen the ill Habit, and make 'em only take the more Delight in it. A young Woman knows her "Religion only by her Ca- tecbijw, the Sciences only by Name, and Vertue only in Idea. She underftands Mujick to a Nicety, but knows nothing of the real and good Intentions of it. She plays at all forts of Games y and reads no other Books but what are fitter to corrupt than inftruct her. And what will be the Confequence of this firft Mifmanagement ? An A- verfion to all that is GW, for want of knowing what it Is ; a diflike of commendable Things, for want of under- fhnding them, and a Spirit of Contempt and Envy, pro- duced by Ignorance, which makes thofe Women, who know nothing, but what Ihe her felf is, and is pofTefTed but with what fhe knows her k\f y gives up her whole Time to the Care of Pleafing, and bellows all her Praifes on her own Maxims. Thefe are the Confcquen- ces of mifemploy'd Youth, which has receiv'd no other Jnftructions but fuch as make it Hill the more in Love with it felf, and lefs acquainted with it (elf. It frames a Scheme of Pcrfedlior.s fuitable to its own proper Palate, and the Cuftom of the Ages : It is from fuch Models that Wo- men take a Draught of their Conduct and Actions ; and the Refult of all this is an unhappy though general Confufi 4* in their 0nderftanding and Deponment. Vanitj, a WANTON WOMAN 291 Vanity is Co imprinted in the Minds of Women, that nothmglefs than a fupermtural Hand can totally efface it. It is a prudent Intention to deprive them of the Senfe of true Knowledge, but an ill Effect is all the Fruit of that good Dejign ; to prevent their falling into the Pride of the Half-learned, they are led into the Paths of Igno- rance, Pride, and Affeclation\ and firmly believe, that to underftand the World, is in them as great a Talent, as the profoundeft Learning in Men ; and that their Per- fections confift in nothing more, than in being skill'd iit the Ways of pleaftng Men ; and therefore they make it their whole Application. A Woman reads with no other De- iign, than to inform her felf of others Intriegues, and from thence to know better how to manage her own : She drelTes her felf, not with an Intention to be more charm- ing, but to charm more Men ; and think it a Diminution to their Beauty, to make but one Conqueft, tho* it be never fo considerable ; and defign not to iix themfelves inviolably on One, but to gain Many, being much better pleas'd in the Croud of their Lovers, than with the Rea- lity of Love. They ftudy their Looks, (many of their Charms be- ing but the Convi/l/ionf of their Eyes) and which agrees belt with them they prefer ; and all this is manag'd with a wonderful Art ; They frequently add with Defign to their Charms that which Nature had rerus'd them with Juftice. Finally, they confult all the pre-external Ad- vantages, in order to attract Love ; and thefe Defigns are of ib large an Extent, that they no fooner find they pleafe one Subjecl, but they are ready to pleafe others alfo ; and every new Conqueft inflames 'em ltill with a Defire of extending their Victories yet farther ; and the Vanity of their DeJires continues, tho' the Power to pleafe has been long fmce extinguiuYd. The Employment of a vain Woman is very fingular ; me is idle, tho' perpetually in Action : From Morning till Night their Thoughts are on what they love ; they fpeak to all they meet, though they have nothing to L\y to them : The Exterior of Acquaintance is all they aim at; and affect Familiarity, to be thought worthy of friend/hip. As they Chatter only to prevent the Cen- O 2 fure and there commonly are to the flattering Approbation of one fingle Perfon, an hundred Defects that are ob- vious to all the World befides. When once a Woman is fo far infatuated with Self- love, as to fhake Hands with her Modefty, fhe becomes the moft dangerous ungovernable Monfter that is ; her Pride puts every Action, every Word, nay, every Inci- dent 1 a MOB EST WOMAN. 297 dent and Circuttffanee, how minute to ever, into falfe Lights : Every uncommon Civility me looks upon as Adoration, and the moll notorious Flattery for Truth, She is violent in all fhe fays or does; her Efleem is but fhort , her Hatred Implacable : A dubious Anfwer fhe thinks Contumely ; a cold Salute,, an unpardonable Affront : Nothing can be right, but what bears the Stamp of her Approbation > no Ferfons well bred, but what pay their Homage to her. To offer to take the Upper-hand of her, is a mortal Sin ; her arrogant Looks Brow-beat - her Equals , and her haughty Carriage fpruns her In- feriors. Thofe whom a diflinguifhed Rank place a- . bove her, fhe fhuns more than the Plague ; and even her Pride makes her glorious Amends, for fhe believe* her Accomplishments merit that Grandeur which the others poffefs ; nor will fhe allow it them, but as con- ferr'd upon *em, not only unreafonably, but even by a meer Miflake too. Whatever Obligation fhe receives, fhe takes it as a Debt paid, not a Favour conferr'd, becaufe her Pride will not let her own fhe flood in Need of any Body. She forgets her Duties towards . her Neighbours, and her Pride conceals from her thole Obligations fhe has to others; fo that attributing to> herfelf, through an ill grounded Opinion of her own, Worth, thofe Honours and Refpetts that fhe defer ves not, fhe has no Regard for any Thing but herfelf, and neglecls all thofe Duties which Modefly diredls her to perform towards others. You'll frequently fee her fail in the common Civilities ufed at Meetings, in the converling Part, and at the taking Leave; not regard- ing that the Infractions of the Laws of Civility fre- quently turn to the DeilrucYion of Charity, and that there is but very little Diflance betwixt DifTatisfa&ion and Hatred. Therefore a rational Woman is of an ac- complifh'd Exadlnefs in the meanefl Duties that Modef- ty and Civility requires in Relation to others ; and bidding Adieu to Foppery, fhe wholly applies her felf fo to order her Conduct, as that it may be blamelefs as ivell in the meaneft as in the greateft Things. o 5 / 298 fbe Ch aractek of ,4 A pretended Godly Woman. A Falfe Devotion is the moll dangerous of all Crime*, ■"■ and the mod common of all Defects ; fometimes Men ufe it for Reafons of State and Intereft, but Wo- men commonly on the Account of Pride and Self-love. A falfe Piety has divers Motives that engage Women on its Part; k is ealy, fortunate, and' very fuccefsful. There is frequently no Occafion to change Maxims, to ftep from a moft licentious Life, to that which may- appear the moft retir'd ; it is but mifting our Habits, and then all thofe Things that were deny'd to our Pleafures before, become fuitabl'e to our Defires. Ex- perience fets this fo frequently before our Eyes, that we cannot wonder at the fortune of a great Number of Bigots of this Age. A Woman born with good Incli- nations, educated in good Principles, that woufd live in the Freedom of agreeable Societies, and yetr retain the Character of Wife, needs but one Thing to com- pare both at once. Hypocrify will foon find her out a Way to reconcile God and the World together, and to gratify her Self-love, without fcandal to her Devotion. The World is in a ftrange Miftake on the Account of "Religion: the Learned confider it in its moft facred; Myfteries : The Vulgar in thofe outward Shews that it impofes on them; and Women, in cera'n Practices, which thsy propofe to themfelves as Laws, by which/ they regulate the Perficlion of their State. The Learn- ed underftand Religion, the Vu?gar believe it, and Women fpoil it : For the nrft feek it, the fecond follow it, and the laft counterfeit it. Thefe Women bufy themfelves to pick out a parcel ©f Maxims fuitable to their own Inclinations, on which Choice they frame a Scheme of their own ; and the great Love they bear to thofe felected Virtues, caufes them to neglect aH- the others. It is no matter amongft them, whether fuch or fuch a Lady is really Charitable, fo fhe but appears to be a Lady of Charity. The bare Outfide of Religion is fufficient for them ; no matter tho' t v ■ r n!ide be «£uite, oppofite to their Praclices. They ' i GO D,LT WOMAN, 299 They value not much to omit Duties of Obligations, provided the other Duties they prefer to thefe, be not very guilty in themfelves, and that there be but as much Room left as will contain their Excufes, or o- thers Praifes of them. For it is the Property of fa If e Devotion, to imbrue the Mind with Pride, and make it pretend to Humility, while it is drown'd in Oftentaticn ; to undervalue and defpife fuch Things as are considera- ble in themfelves, and prize inconfiderable Things, as if they were of great Moment. This is the Secret the Devil makes Ufe of with Womeni he makes them behold with Indifferency the Precepts of Religi- on, while they are wholly taken up with bare Scrip- tural Advices, and that they employ all their Care Night and Day to prattife them. They will be very diligent to correct themfelves of fome fmall Defects, and negligent in Matters highly criminal : They need not fear to feel the Pre fibre of Sin, while they are ignorant of the Light of Grace ; nor be concerned that they apply themfelves to fuch trivial Things as fuit beft their C 'bar a tiers, while they neglect thofe great Myfie- ries Co necefiary to their Salvation. Mean time, under the ufeful Veil of an Holy Appear- ance, they remain fafe, and repair in the Minds of Peo- ple the 'ill Imprefftons that any Diforder may have made, only by changing the Exterior, and adding Hy- focrify to the reil of their Errors. By the lafi: Evil all the former are blotted out, and by a regular Oatfide they endeavour to perfwade that the Inward is pure and innocent. What a ltrange Error it is, to judge- of a Perfon's Conduct by a feeming Devotion ! Thofe that juftify a Bigot, are more apt to be deceiv'd,. than thofe that condemn a Libertine. \ A meer Profejfton is no good Caution of Honour and Virtue. Thofe that are moil inlightned, are the lefs deceiv'd by thofe outward Grimaces, becaufe they moil diftrufl them j and all Hypocrites are lufpedled among! rational Men. The Simple- are deceiv'd by tha Hypo- crites, but the Hypocrites are detected by the Wife, who do not eafily pafs by thofe three Characters which Hypocrify impofes on them, fo dire&ly oppofite to the horn 300 The Character of Love we owe to God, and to our Neighbour, name- ly, Pride, Cruelty,, and DiJJimulation. Through the Inftigations of Pride, they afTume an Authority over all others that are not of their Kidney,, and fome of them too are not exempt from their In- fults ; efpecially, if they are not equal at leaft to 'em in the refpecl of the Congregations and the Glories of an Exterior Sanclity^ They ufurp a Right of Cent- ring all the World, and make 'em fall fhort of their owrt> D.evotion, only to have a larger Scope of Backbiting. She robs her Family to fatten the Sanclifyed Station, and Cuckolds her Husband in the Fear of the Lord : Five a Clock Prayers are her Delight, and an Evening Lec- ture the happy Conjummation of a Day welt fpent. She isconftant at Church, but 'tis to be feen there; and bitterly inveighs againft the impious Lazine/s of the- Ungodly Wretches that don't come thither. Tho' the Outride appears fo demure, yet were the- Soul to be feen, Hell way mine A- to it : How- ever, God be praifed, their Actions give us- to under- Hand, that it is a Mercy not to fee a Thing fo fright- ful. Speak againft her Teachers, and flie foams at the Mcuth ; pious Furies dance in her Eyes, and' two and. twenty Legions at leaft fwell her Breaft : Damnation is your Lot, to be fare; and if it were not for the Law, flie would have- the Lechery of Murdering you herfelf : for nothing is more cruel than an irritated Bigot. As for Di/fimulation, 'tis the Bafis of their Religion ; the formal Cant and Turning up of the Eyes, the fre* ^ucnt Sighs and Sobbs, the artificial Hum's and Hds y the exegetical Motions of the Handkerchief and Mouthy. are but rhe Superftrncture and Decorations of the //y- focritical Temple { By all thefe ftudy'd Arts they impofer upon the -unthinking Mob, and exadt, nay, fometimes too, obtain freely a Reputation and Character that is by no means in the World their due. As one of the Charms of Greatnefs and of Riches, is that Refpcd arid Deference which they impofe ; fo one of the Afflictions of Mifery, is the Contempt it draws upon itfelf. Indigency and Poverty blot out of weak Minds the Advantage of a good Birth, the Splendor of a GODLY WOMAN. 301 ©f Merit, and the Beauty of Virtue. But if Injuftke raifes Fortune to fo high a Pitch, more equitable Truth always leaves it in the lowefl Rank j and that Truth which feems to enlighten the Bigots, is trod under Foot by their own Cruelty, There is no barbarous Vfage which they do not inflicl on thofe whom God has vifited with Poverty, Hunger, Thirfl, and Nakednefs, are the meaneft Afflictions that proceed from their Cares: Backbiting, Slander, Contempt and Abufe, arc the Confequences of the Zeal they pretend to have for their Neighbour. When they are employed in the Relief of Families, and that a Paflor's Goodnefs, who would not have any of his Flock to fuffer, employs them in the Exercifc of the Duties of Charity, they aft very barbaroufly and bafely : He relies on thofe pretended Zealous Souls, whofe exterior Practices are exemplary, and who mew in Pub lick the Duties which they owe God, but that little trouble themfelves in private about thofe due to ' their Neighbour. It is accordmg to the Tendency of their Hearts that thofe Miferables live or dye that are committed to their Care. When they have fbme good Inclination towards any Body, and that the humble fub- miffiom of a Sufferer has done Homage to their Pride y then they will bellow on him all that is neceffary to al- lay his Sufferings, but not to end them: They are wil- ling to mollify his Sorrow, to fet forth their own Good- nefs, and to take off only the Excefs of the Grief, to gain Praifes, and to preferve their Tyrannical Potver. As their prefent Exercife of Charity makes divers miferable Wretches great Sufferers, it may alfo make them fuffer in their Turn at the Great Day. And if yride is the greateft Crime before God, where will not that Hypocrify bring them, fince it contains that Pride which offends neighbourly Love, and renders it guilty of the Breach of the Law in both its Precepts ? I mull confefs, that, a Bigot Woman is fo guilty, and has fo many Defects, that I mud not pretend to give a juft Account of them all: I treat but of thofe annex'd to the Profeffed. The Hatred they have for all Women that are not drefs/d after .the Hypocritical Mode, is fo great, 302 *£he Char acter of great, that thev cannot indure them, altho* fhey lead a Life exemptea from all Blame. They fancy it is an horrid Crime to be adorned with fuch Ornaments as Birth and Eft ate allows of, as if it was neceflary that thofe who are devoted to God, mould begin this Reformation by putting on of Sacklotb, which frequently ferves but to cover a greater Number of Sins, without the Difco- very of one Virtue. Let the Deceit of a Linfy-Weolfy Modefty multiply in the World, it will flill be certain that the large Sleeves conceal more the Hands than the Covetoufnefs of the Wearers ; and that it is not the Bigots Drefs that makes Virtuous Women. Mean time under that Habit they are apt to condemn others con- fidently, while they lin unpunifh'd; they then raife themfelves above all Cenfure, and whoever fpeaks Truth on this Subjeft, runs the Hazard of having Lies raifed on himfelf ; for a falfe Piety cannot fuffer to be blamed, tho* never fo juftly, without returning a Slander for it ; and the ordinary Confequences of a Bigot's Anger, is, to ruin thofe that have blam'd her, tho* rightly. The moft excellent Wifdom, even Truth itfelf, Chrift, did condemn the Affectation or Singularity of Apparel, when he blam'd the Pharifees in long Robes and pe- culiar Fringes. He regarded not their Ace u fat ion of the Adultrefs Woman ; he condemn'd them wherrthey offer'd to condemn others. This was a LeJ/on of Pro- vidence, to inform fuch as have Authority to protect thofe that are forfaken, and to correct thofe who ac- cnfe others, while they themfelves are guilty. There are fuch nice and dangerous Circumftances- of Sin in Hypocrify, that the Guilty frequently remain ig- norant of the Mifery of their own Condition. A Wo- man of the Characler I am now fetting forth, owns no other Neighbour but thofe of her own ProfeJJian: Whatever they fay or do, is pofitive in all Refpects ; and a Bigot would make it a Scruple cf Confcience, to doubt of a Slander that is hatch'd by one of her own Tribe, By the Means of this Error, fhe defpifes all thofe that have teen accused, and under the Pretence of reproving their Errors, fhe pubKfhes them every where : For Slander kno Crime amonglt the Bigots* if they but fancy they a RELIGIOUS WOMAN. 303 fay the Truth, they think they don't offend God ; but Piety fpeaks a Language very different from thofe Max- ims ; and the true Way to be a fmcere and real Devout Woman, is by confulting of it. In fhort, to fum up the Char after of a Female Bigot, fhe is a Curfed Composition of Evil Qualities : Her Hy- focrify juftifies her Pride, and her Pride fupports her Hypocrify : The formal Zeal of her Lips countenances the Scandal of 'em ; and fhe thinks that if fhe goes duly to Church, fhe may raife Lies upon all Mankind. To turn up her Tail to the Godly, is Charity and Brotherly hove : To fpeak well of another Seel, is Profane : To have civil Commerce with *em, is Abomination, unlefs there appear fome Hopes of bringing 'em over to the Lord. Hypocrijy has nothing good in it, l)ut that per- adventure the zealous, exterior, and the feign'd De- votion, gives fome of the weaker People a real Incli- nation to Piety and Goodnefs : In every other Particu- lar it is worfe than Atheifm ; for one only affronts God by denying him, whereas the other confeffes him, and impioujly laughs at him to his very Face in every Acl of Devotion. The Religious Woman. Tj A 1 TH is the Mother of Piety ; whoever gives himfelf to God, and makes Profeffion thereof, ought to underftand well his Religion, to delight in the Duties thereof, and perfectly perform them. His firft Care is to inform himfelf, and to guide the Conrfe of his Life by the Faith of his Knowledge, that he may not know the Law as Libertines do, nor practice his Obedience to it as Bigots. But when Faith has once fucceeded the Care of his lnfiruclion ; that he is fure of having found out the Way, the Truth, and the Life', that he feels that admirable Peace which Truth fpreads in his Soul ; that his Heart, filled with Charity, entertains no more Thoughts, but fuch as lead to the Joys of Eternity j his Underftanding is con- vine'd, his Soul is fill'd with Holinefs, and the Practice of Vertue becomes eafy, when the Mind is certain of what 304 The Character of what it ought to know, and the Fruit of that Know- ledge becomes the Zeal of the Will Then is feen that Mary-like premng Dejire to find out Cbrifl, that Lore of the Magdalen's to follow kim, and that Care of the Martha's to ferve him. Neither the Wurd of the Angel 9 nor the Oppofition of the Pbarifees, nor the Preference of Magdalen, can flop them. Dejire, Cmrage, and Pozver to perform, follow jFW/£ clofe at the Heels; Hope and Charity animates them ; they run tranfpor- ted by their earneft Dejires, but all this in the Way of Truth, following Cbrijl without Ceafing and Reft; continually bufying themfelves in the Lord's Vineyard* and never draining the Power of their Will, tho* they weaken the Strength of their Bodies. This is the Rule of a Soul that truly feeks after God, a burning Dehre of performing all things for the Love of him, fuch an ImpreJJton of his Divinity that continually humbles us, and that fhelters us from the Pride of the Devil, which is fo dangerous to innocent Souls. An inexpreffible Re* folution, which makes us to overcome all Objiacles which we meet in the Way, trac'd out by J ejus Cbrijl, in which we muft go without Intermimon or Looking back, if we would be perfecl. None can follow Cbrijl by intervals; it is a Courfe without Interruption, which the Will muft perform ; the leaft Reft diftances us from it, and frequently Neglecl makes us to lofe the Sight of it, and fo ftraggle out the Day as never to retrieve it again : It is our faithful and diligent following of him, which is the moft effential Article of true Piety. How many Souls feek after Cbrijl, that find him, and afterwards leave, and fly from him ? The Fervency of Devotion gives them impetuous Motions, which na- tural Weaknejs, Occafon, and Tendency, flops in the midfl of their Courje ; and frequently that great Zeal which our Conjlitution animates, yields to the meaneft Trifle which offends the predominant Pajfion. We ought not to give the Conducl of the other Veriues to that which we value moft, but to that Ver- tue, that is moft necefTary, which is that curbs molt our Will, and which makes us the clofer to follow Cbrijl, Love cannot move with heavy Feet; when the tRELIGIOUSWO MAN. 3°5 the Heart freely gives it felf up, we fly ; when Love calls upon us, the Spirit of'Cbarity pufhes us on, and the Holy Tranjport of a Soul that loves God, caUfes it to follow the Precepts and the Counfels of Cbrift fo exac- tly, that its Conducl appears as a Go/pel, wherein one fees writ down the Lejjons of a Crucified God. I con- fcfs, that the Scarcity of thofe Apoftolical Perfons which filled the nrft Ages, would give Caule to doubt whe- ther there have been any fuch in ours ! If the Perfec- tion of thofe that give us Examples, did not attone for the fmall Number, and did not perfvvade us, by the Ex- cellency of fo wonderful a State, of the Comforts which Grace communicates in this laborious Way of Penitence, to ferve and follow Cbrijl : For the fame Will which makes us to follow him every where, makes us to ferve him in all things : It fuffices not to love him in Con- templation-, we muft worfhip him in Submijfion. We muft ferve him with a Faithfulnefs proportionable to our Condition, for the Laza is not kept by meer Specu- lation ; that Cbarity which God requires of us, muft be adlive i and Faith, that Divine Vertue, which makes us to adore him, is not contented with the bare Submijfion of our Knowledge, but requires alfo the Works of an ac- tive Charity, and that the Heart be affifted by the Hands. Wherefore there is no Reft to a Cbriftian Soul ; its Work is to begin with its Reafon, and end but with its Life ; and all its Perfection confifts, to begin it with Cheaffulnefs, to continue it with Courage, and to end it with Love. When that Love, which is the Founda- tion of the Law, has once penetrated the Heart of Man, all the Severities of Penance, all Rigours appear pleafing to his Ttefires, all his Obligations towards God are filled with an unlimited Fervency : His Zeal omits nothing that might contribute to the Glory of God ; and his Neighbour, through an Effufion of the fame Charity^ is fought after with Care wherever he fuffers, is aflifted with Diligence in any thing that he wants, and is com- forted with Mildnefs, according to his Condition. The fame Zeal which raifes him towards GW through Love, that unites him to his Neighbour by Charity, humbles him alfoi and Ihews him that Nothing and that Sin winch 306 The Character of which are truly his own, and proper to him. In refiedT:- ing on his own Miferies, he conceives the vail Diftance he is at from the Excellencies of the Divinity, and ftrength- ens his Faith, which caufes him to adore that Immen- fity which he admires : He examines what is ttat Non- entity whereof he conMs, and that Ref eel ion leads him to, ^f^^Ccntempt of himfelf, and to the Love he owes to his God. This is the true Situation of a Cbrijlian Soul that profefTes Piety ; there is no Thoughts left of out- ward Appearances, when one publfckly declares to be a Child of the Eternal Joys : For this there is required a Circumcifon of the Will, and that Jntereft and Self- Love being for ever deflroyed by the Power of our Love to- wards God, they may no longer be capable to flay us in the Way of 'Vert 'ue : We muft be, as St. Paul fays, Stronger than the- Gates of Hell, through the Power of Charity. Let every one examine himfelf on this Model of Piety, and judging himfelf with Severity, confefs his Sins to- wards God, and Faults towards Men ; and let this fmeere Acknowledgment create in him the ftrongeft Senfe of Ab- negation that we are capable of feeling ; without which we can never feek after, follow, norferpe Chri/l, as he requires, and as we ought to do. The Witty Woman. 7777 7* in Woman is like Metal in a Blind Horft; it * r ferves only to hazard their Shins. The Vanity of /hewing it, expofes them to all Company ; and it often happens, that in a numerous Acquaintance, where they drive to eftablifh an Empire, and make Shipwreck of their Reputation, and fometimes of their Vert ue. The violenteft PaJJion imaginable has not fo much Effect upon a Lovely Woman, as a little well-managed Flattery and Jncenfe has upon one that values her felf upon a pert Humour and a Volubility of Language. But, in a Word, a Woman that pretends to Wit, is infufferable in Society ; becaufe it is ve- ry rare to meet with any of that Character, but f nch as a WITTY WO MAN. 307 are infupportably Vain and Arrogant ; of which I am go- ing to give you an Account, The greateft Wanton u lefs charm "d with her oxvn Beauty, than the leaft Witty is conceited with her own Genius : Sh- has an univerfal Contempt for all Creatures ; fhe in a manner confounds Man with Beajls, if fhe finds his Reafon not accompanied with Wit', and fhe lives at a^. great Diftance from common Sen/e, through that Pride into which fhe is puffed up by her pretended fine Wit, which makes her to become as infufferable to others, as others appear to her. A Woman that is thus blinded, is fo far from Truth, that it is no wonder the molt Prudent avokl her, and the lefs Fearful dread her-f for fhe is capable of nothing but to give folfe Colours to Lies, and to commit Evil with the more Cunning: Of which this is the Rea- fon ; a Woman runs fuperhoially over the Sciences, but never dives into them : She naturally receives Eloquence, and puts it in Ufe without the Rules requifite for it j fhe cleaves to thofe Authors that fpeak moft her own Senfe, without giving her felf the Trouble to pick out thofe that are moft ufeful for her. She ftudies Words only, for fhe believes that it is the Term that does all. No Condition can pleafe her without Politenefs, becaufe Wif- dom and Truth are banifh'd from her Study, which fhe wholly applies to the mofl receiv'd and nice Exprejfions : And if fhe does but obferve fuch an Exaclnefs in Speech, as exempts her from trefpafling againft the Rules of a cor- rect Difcourfe, fhe troubles her felf no farther, and cares not whether fhe thinks as others do, provided another fpeaks notfo finely as fhe. The Dejire fhe has to appear Learned, is the chiefeft Objlacle to hinder her from being fo ; for there is required a great Proportion of conceal- ed Time and Labour to attain to an approv'd Merit : And Women are more inclin'd to lofe their Time at Eafe, than to employ either Time or Labour to acquire Vertue. That is the Reafon their beft and chicfefl Talent confifts in Con- verfation ; it is at fuch a time that their earneft Dejire to appear fomething more than ordinary breaks forth, and that they fpread in others Minds fome Defect of their own ; for in one Afternoon's Space they make a whole Courfe of Wit ; they pafs from Doclrim to Manners, from Ufe to Opinion, 3oS , The Character of Opinion, from Serioufnefs to Airinefs ; and in two Hour* time they treit of all- the Interefts of Europe, tho* they know not the kaft of them ; they drain Matters dry, without fo much as touching them ; they offend Reajou, in but attempting to reajon ; they have fuch a Series of Thoughts as furnifhes them with Sufficiency of Words to fill up the Chafms of Time, and are very well ple^fed to fpend a World of Exprejjions on Things that they are utter Strangers to. They ufe Cau/es, that a Politenefs of Language con- ceals part of their Ignorance ; and that an Adulator plea- fes and prepofTefTes them with his Dazvbing, which with them paffes for a juft Homage. The Flatterer is not diftinguifhed from the Sincere amongft them; they rely on a dangerous Approbation, not confulting Science which might enlighten them ; thofe falfe Glim- merings that dazzle them, give fo fair a Light, that? Self-love takes care to preferve it, to fet forth it felf by it. And thus they fancy themfelves raifed up to a Pitch of Knowledge, of which they fcarce preferve the bare Name in their Memory. This is the Cuftom of your Witty-Women ; they have a vaft Idea of Wit in their Imagination, but no Knowledge, no Rule, nor Under/landing; a bare Idea only, that is, a vaft Extent, which comprehends all great Things j a great Space within themfelves, where they fancy to behold an AfTembly of all the various Aceomplijhments of the Mind. When a prudent Man confults Truth, and believes he has found it, he fixes and terminates there : He no long- er {trays from that Point \ he is doubtful of all Things elfe, and is not certain of any Thing, but in relation to that which has fix'd him, and unto which he believes Truth to be annex'd ; and that is what renders him juft in the Confequences, provided he has not been deceiv'd in his firft Choice ; for he deviates not from his firft Principle ; he is ftill the lame ; an uniform Senfe guides him in all refpecls. He is prefently fenfible that the Fruits of his Labour is a Light without Shadow, which exempts him from all the Spots and Blemijhes of Error. But the fame Reafon that ftrengthens (o good a Genius, does alio for- tify a bad one. Stability a wirrr wo man. 309 Stability is the Confequence of an acceptable Opinion ; and Women, who determinate their Thoughts with much more Eaie than Men, are alfo apt to pervaricate from Truth ;% they cfpoufe a Party without confulting their Reaion, and they have no fooncr follow'd their own By- ajs, but it becomes their whole Light, and perpetuates tnem in that Error of Choice ; they err through Quick- nefs of Apprehenfion, which makes them to refolve be- fore they have thought. And this firft Error ^ into which Ignorance has led them, is the firft Caufe of all thofe Say- ings of Reafon and Common Senfe, which they have on all Things, which renders them infufferable ; for they have not the Power to correct themfelves ; their Know- ledge being fedue'd through Opinion, will not yield to friendlv Cares, to the Advices of good Authors, nor e- ven to the firft Tinclures they have to change. The Ha- bit of Opinion is more powerful than all the Pajfions to- gether ; there is required a fupernatural Power to reduce to Truth a Mind that is fpoil'd by falfe Principles that pleafe it. And Woman whofe Mind is not right, changes the Objects of Nature and of Place-, Truth mufl {land awry, that flie may fee her aright ; for fhe perceives no- thing but through iuch Shadows as deceive her, and that caufes her to deceive others, becaufe fhe infinuates thefe falfe Lights^ and makes ufe of the mofl lively Colours, to make them appear to others as right as fhe her felf fancies them. Men are exempted from that dangerous Sand; but Wo~ men, whofe Blindnefs caufes them to feek after Light, grow the more blind the more they go about to enlighten themfelves, and fall into the Inconveniency of the Witty, which is to admire while they deceive themfelves. Their confufed Knowledge, the Aptnefs they have to afpire to elevated Things, and the Dejjre to appear capable, are the Caufes of their Ignorance; and it produces fuch Ob- stacles as render Science much more neceflary and conve- nient to them. Tk Jig yhe Character of The prudent Woman, JV*L is of both Sexes. The Soul is a Spiritual Be- ing, capable to perform its Operations in Women as well as Men ; and though Men are defign'd for labori- ous Employs, and fuch as require Knozvledge and Applies tion ; Women, whom Cuflom has juftly excluded from thofe Employs, ( their tender and foft Tempers not inabling them to bear the Burden thereof) are not to be excluded from the Labouring after Knowledge, becaufe it is xery neceffary to all ; and if it prejudices any, it is fuch as would be much more injur'd by Ignorance, than by the Lights of Knozvledge. As one that is half Wife, values himfelf upon that little he knows, fo an ignorant Cox- comb is puffed up with nothing at all, and would think himfelf an Angel, mould he know never fo little. All that he learns, contributes much more to his Pride than to his P erf eel ion. Wherefore the firft Step of an ingeni- ous Perfon, is to be fenfible he knows nothing, and to have a Defre to know much, before he knows any Thing at all. As there is nothing more defirous than Knowledge, (o the Difficulties of attaining to any Degree of Perfeclion in it, require a great deal of lime, and an affiduous Ap- plication. This digufts the Lazy, and makes them con- tent themfelves with being not quite Fools ; and fmce a fuperflcial Acquaintance may be had with the Sciences at a much eaiier Rate , they beg your Pardon for long Watchings, and tedious Turning over of voluminous Au- thors : And if they attain to fome fmall Smattering in Letters, they are vainer by half than a coniiderable Pro- ficient in Learning and Knowledge. This pitiful Sample of Under/landing having had no folid Baf.s, never pro- ceeds very far ; and if Pride and Self-Love did not che- rifh and nourifh it, we could not blufh at our pretended Scholarjhip, which in EfFeft is nothing more than a well varnifh'd Ignorance. Many Men, through want of a juit Relifh of Learning, are mighty inquifitive after Curio- fities : And thefe feeble fantaftkal Genius's never arrive to a PRUDENT WOMAN. 311 to any Perfection ; they are pleafed with the good Phan- tom of Knowledge, and think every little Out-of-the-way Th'ng that they ftumble upon, is an Arcanum of Nature ; for it is rare if ever thefe forts of Capacities have their Eyes opened ; and fo their vain Error roots it felf into them, and attends them to their Grave. The great Ad- vantage of Knowledge, is, to correct all the Abufes of our mifguided Education, and if poflible, to eilablilh the Soul and Reafon in their proper Empires. He that has prr'd the moll narrowly into himfelf, has only the Con- jolation of difcovcring how ignorant he was even when he thought he knew confiderably. Real Knowledge makes us humble, but a Smattering of hearing only feeds our Pride, Fanity, and Self-Conceit. Certainly he who neglects Knowledge, is very near quitting his Reafon ; and from a Difguft of the juit Rules of Philofophy, it is not far to the Lofs of Common Senfe : For how can a Perfon be counted Judicious that pof- feffes nothing but thofe Vapours of a quick Apprehenfion, which a boiling hot Blood produces on certain Occafions, where the Difpofition of the Organs, join'd to the Pajff on which then animates him, makes him accidentally light on fome good Notions, and exprefs them rightly ; whoever mould judge of any Perfon on fo bare a Tryal, would think him Learned, while he only poffeiTed the Means of being fo ! No ; though we have never fo good natural Parts, they require the Mafter-ftrokes of Sciences, to render them accomplifh'd ; and with what fine Wit lb- cver Nature has endow d a Man, it is never naturally what it would be when aflifted with the Advantages of Learning. It happens alio fometimes, that an Under* /landing Perfon, that has but an indifferent Genius, is ca- pable of destroying it without Redemption, for want of certain Rules : For the natural Aclions of the Mind may as foon flip by a Truth, as find it ; it is meer Chance : That is the Reafon that Women, who are mofl capable through their Acutenefs to raife themfelves unto the molt fublime Things, and more liable through Change to abandon Truth after they have attained to it, have more Need of a regular Knowledge than all others, to frame their Minds into Order ; And to fix them firm with Affurance, we ought j 12 The Character of ought to feek after the moft approv'd Method of Stud% and flick to its Rules to guide our Knowledge ; and when by fuch Matters as are generally approv'd, we have in- formed our felves of all Things, we mult not yet fancy we know enough. It is for want of a perfect Under/land- ing that we make Halts in the Way of Truth. Scarce doe* a Man's Life fuffice to know that which a Child mould not be ignorant of; we grow weary inftead of taking Cou- rage ; Vanity fixes us, and frequently an Approbation makes us fo Proud, as to neglect to take thofe Pains which would tend to our Accomplijhments. We make a Stop at the firft Tinctures of Learning, and inftead of anima- ting our felves w T ith thofe Defires that an enlightned Mind would infpire, w T e remain in the Condition of the half Learned, which is only to appear fomething. However, there are but few of thofe elevated Minds that are above the Common Level, that fall into fuch Carelefnefs ; they are raifed by a more noble Impulfe above all Fain-Glory ; and that which they already know, ferves as a Spur to make them learn more. You fhall find them ( though hx'd to the Sentiments of the moft eminent Authors ) inftructing themfelves with all the others of lefs Efteem. and without being puzzled with the Vanity of Opinions, confirm themfelves in the moft juft of thofe which they have made Choice ', and caufe all Oppojitions to contribute to the Glory of Truth. To know much, we ought not to value nor confult our felves j Self-Love is an Enemy to Labour and Pain, and Opinion to Truth : We ought to fufpect all Things which we either advance of our felves, or that we are Judges of. Not that we mould fubmit our felves to all forts of Judgments more readily than to our own, but our own ought always to make us tremble when it is not directly conformable to the Antients, and to thofe Moderns that are indued with ftrong and powerful Rcafins. Wherefore it is obferv'd, that your great IVits, that afpire to the Knowledge of the moft abftrufe Things, confult all Things, continually informing themfelves, and approve not much their own Coticeptions. To what De- gree and Pitch foever we have by our Induflry advane'd our Learning, , cither as to Generals or Particulars, or through / Voiy loc Haines Upibauc, flW, An Epilogue written by Mr. Brown. 313 through the Sublimity of our Genius's, we mould feem to have out-liript Common Knowledge ; yet, after all, this would but affure us how vail and immeafurable a Quan- tity of Knowledge lay out oi Sight, as well as out of our Reach. A real Humility is the mod infallible Argument of a Man's being a Knowing Man. We ought to know all Things, the better to know, and lefs to value our felves, and with a continual Appli- cation inftruft our felves in the Knowledge of God, in whom alone is the true Knowledge of all Tilings, and the Fulnefs of Eternal Wfdom. 'The Epilogue written by Mr. Brown, and [poke by Jo. Haines, in the Habit of an Horfe-Ojficer, mounted on an Afs. YO U have feen ( before now ) fmce this Shape- jbewing 'Age, Mire Affes than mine, on a Beau-crowded Stage, Wherefore by tb' Example of fam'd Dogget, my Brother^ To fhew our Stage has Affes, as well as the-other ; Thus mounted I'm come, to invite ye oft hither, To Beaumont and Fletcher, thus coupled together ; My Fancy, his Judgment, my Perlbn, his Face, •With the mighty good Intercit A" has in this Place ; For indeed, as I'm told, pray let me not wrong ye, My Aft has Relations, and Great ones among ye j In the Galleries, Side-boxes, on the Stage, in the Pit, [ What's your Critick, your Beau, your Keeper, your Wit? Your fighting Aft is a Bully, Your fneaking Aft is a Cit ; Your keeping Aft is a Cully, 'But your Top, prime A/'s, h your Wit, They all fool Cit of his Wife, He fools 'email of their Pelf $ But your Wit's fo damn'd an'4/r, He only fools himfelf Writing one Play a Year, for a Wit he ! d paf $> His lean third Day makes out to him he's an Ajs, Vol. IV. P 0»t 3 14 An Epilogue written by Mr. Brown. Ben't I an Afs now, thus to mount my Brother, But he that's plea? d with it too, is not he another? Are we not Affes all ('twixt me and _y^) To part with our old Money 'till we were fure of new ? [ Fine old Money. Since then Co mafty Affes here abound, Where an eternal Link of JiP7/ goes round; No Pwf fure will think it a Dijgrace, "J To be rfZ/yV to this accomplifb'd Afs, C But he's a Critick, you may read it in his F As for £« Courage, truly I can't fay /V/tfr£, Yet, he might ferve for a Trooper among the Dutch. Tho* of /£ 67d? I'm fure he'd never Fight, His Pafjive Obedience fhews I'm *« the Right. Whips the Afs often, who, by reafon of his in~ nate Dulnefs, never flinches for z'/J He's a Courtier y fit to appear before a Queen. Advance, Bucephalus! View but his Mien: Ladies, I'm fure you like his fpruce Behaviour ; I ne'er knew ought but Affes in jfl/zr Favour. Fair 0/?*r, at what I fay, take no Offence, For When his "Degree a Lover does commence, You coin an Afs out of a Man of Senfe. Your Beaux s, that fof "ten fo your flinty Hearts, They are Affes Taylor i make them Men of Farts. Now, fome have told me, this might give Offence, That riding my Afs thus, is riding the Audience : But what of that? The Brother rides the Brother i The Ie fills my Bed, 'tis true, but not my Arms. When I'd no Appetite, Love cloy'd me ', Now I've a Mind to't, 'tis deny'd me. Oh ! Hymen, Hymen, for my Quiet, Contract my Stomach, or enlarge my Diet. An Epigram o/Flaminius to his drinking Mi- ftrefs. CH/oe, you write to me for Coin, **J ' And in Return I fend you Wine ; > Xike Wealth, its Pow'r is equally divine. j E'en flick to that, 'twill make you merry, For mine or other's Abfcence chear ye ; That foftens ev'ry Nymph that's cruel, For mellow Venus is a Jewel, So Ariadne, when her Wanderer, *} Falfe Thefeusy left her, wafh'd off* Grief and Care, > Enjoyd God Bacchus, and became a Star. i> On the Poet's Will $19 On the Earl of Torrington. CTainofthy Country, and thy ancient Name, Traytor to Honour, and old England'? Shame ; Great Effingham*?, Rcverfe, and GreenviWs Foil, Thou doft, vile Daftard, all their Triumphs fpoiL Thy Cowardice difturbs their very Urn, And is enough to make their Ames mourn. Arife, ye noble Ghofts of valiant Drake, Frobijher, Cav'ndijb, Mount ague, and Blake ; You, who our Neighbour-Navies did confound, And made our Fame from Sea to Sea relbund, Grieve now to fee your Trophies from us torn, The Sea, your Miltrefs, helplefs and forlorn ; Mourn to behold a luftful proud Poltroon, Eclipfe thofe Glories you for us have won. the Poet's Wiih YOnder your Author fhnds extreamly ID, And, yet of perfecl Mind, thus mikes his Will, Firft, I bequeath my Soul, when I forfake it ; To him that has the trueft Right to take it 5 My Body next, let me confider well, To thofe that will convey it out of Smell : My worldly Goods, altho 1 they arc but few, My Brother Poets, thofe I leave to you ; And were I Aire tint they'd accept of it, The Rhyming Quality fhou'd fhare my Wit : To Daniel, and his Friend the Obfervator, I leave my Manuscripts, and Scottijh P falter, With all my Volumes that have fcap'd my Bum, From the Wife Mafters to the fam'd Tom Thumb. Next I bequeath, (but let me recoiled, I fain wou'd lomething leave to ev'ry Seel) To all our grave Divines, where'er they be, I leave them, what they want, my Charity ; And to thofe Prelates that oppofe the Bill, Were I fecure, they wou'd not take it 111, P 4 To I $ 20 "The Fable of the Lioft . To them and their Heirs I'd give and grant My Model of the Godly Covenant. The Presbyterians too I'd fomething give, Tho' they're fo rich I know not what to leave, Befides, they're grown fo very proud withal, They won't accept of any Thing that's fmall i And yet, methinks, 'tis fit that they fhou'd have Some Marks of my Remembrance in my Grave ; Among my Lumber they will Papers find, Writ to inform the Realm what they defign'd ; That they have them, it is my fole Intention, They'll be of Ufe againft a Comprehenfion. The Quakers too expect their Legacy, To thofe good Men I leave my Modejly ; And let the other Stcls, that I mayn't wrong 'em. Take my Religion and divide among 'em. And to conclude ', it is my Will and Mind, Some honeft wealthy Cit would be fo kind, To fee all this performed, and for his Pains, To take for him, and for his Heirs, my Brains.' The Fable of the Lion and the Beafls, ON E Time a mighty Plague did pefler AllBeafts Dome/lick and Silvefler. The Doclors all in Confult joined, To fee if they the Caufe could find, And try'd a world of Remedies, But none could conquer the Difeafe. The Lyon, in this Confiernation, Sends out his Royal Proclamation, To all his loving Subjects Greeting, Appointing them a folemn Meeting. And when they're gather'd round his Den, He fpoke, My Lords and Gentlemen, I hope you're met full of the Senfe Of this devouring Peftilence : For fure fuch heavy Piuiijbment On common Crimes is rarely fent. It mult be fome important Caufe, Some sreat Infraclion of the Lazes, - Then The Fable of the Lion* jzr Then let us fearch our Confidences, And ev'ry one hfs Faults confefs ; Let's judge from biggefl to tke leaft, That he that is the fouleft Beaft, May for Sacrifice be given, To itop the Wrath of angry Heaven. And fince no one is free from Sin, I with my felf will firft begin. I have done many a Thing that's ill, From a Fropenfiity to kill; Slain many an Ox, and what is worfe, Hive murder'd many a gallant Horfie; Robb'd Woods and Fens, and like a Glutton* - Devour'd whole Flocks of Lamb and Mutton, Nay, fometimes, fori dare not Eye, The Shepherd went for Company. He had went on, . but Chancellor Fix Stands up. What fignifies an Ox ? What fignifies a ' Horfie, fuch Things Are honour'd when made Sport for Kings ? Then for the Sheep, thofefoolifh Cattle, Not fit for Carriage, or for Battle, And being tolerable Meat, They're good -for nothing but to eat. The Shepherd too, your Enemy, Deferves no better Dclliny. Sir, Sir, your Confcience is too nice, - Hunting's a Princely Exercij'e; And theie being all your Vaffals born, Juil when you pleafe are to be torn. And, Sir, if this -will not content you* Well vote it Nemine contradicente. Thus, after him, they all confefs They had been Rogues, fome more, fome Iefs ' 3 ; And yet, by little flight Excufes, They all gor. clear of great Abufes. The' Bear, the Tyger, Beafls ©f Fight, And all that could but fcratch and bite ; Nay, e'en the Cat, of wicked Nature, That kills in Sport her Fellow-Creature, P;-5" Went 3^2 An Elegy on the Death of Went fcot-free ; but his Gravity, An Afs, of fhipid Memory, Confefs'd i'th' Road to Tun bridge -Fair, His Back half broke with wooden Ware, Chancing unluckily to pafs By a Church-yard full of good Grafs, Finding they'd open left the Gate, He ventur'd in, floop'd down, and eat. Hold, fays Judge Wolf, thefe are the Crimes Have brought upon us thefe fad Times ; By feveral A els of Parliament 'Tis Sacrilege, and this vile Afs Deferves to dye for eating holy Grafs. The Fable Jhezus us por Mens Fate, Whiljl Laws can never reach the Great, An Elegy on the Death of Mr. Edward Mil- lington, the famous Auctioneer. MOurn, mourn, you Bookfellers, for cruel Death Has robb'd the famous Auftioneer of Breath: He's gone, he's gone ! ah ' the great Lofs deplore, Great Millington, alas ! he is no more : No more will he now at your Service ftand Behind the Desk, with Mallet in his Hand. No more the Value of your Books fet forth, And fell 'em hy his Art for twice their Worth. Methinks I lee him ftill with fmiling Look Amidit the Crowd, and in his Hand a Book, Then in a fine facetious pleafing Way, The Author's Genius and his Wit difplay. O all ye fcr'tbbling Tribe, come mourn his Death, Whole Wit hath giv'n your dying Fame new Birth: When your neglected Works did mouldring lie TJpon the Shelves, and none your Books would buy, How oft has he, with itrained Eloquence, "^ Affirm M the Leaves contain'd a world of Senfe, >- When ail's infipid dull Impertinence. J> Ccme, Gentlemen, ccrae, bid me what you pleafe ; Upon my Word, it is a curious Piece, 4 Done Mr. Edward Milling ton, 323 Bone by a learned Hand, and neatly bouad : What fay you, come, I'll put it up one Pound : One Pound, once, twice? Fifteen: Who bids a Crowns Then makes his Head with an affecled Frown ; Good-lack-a day, 'tis ilrange ; then flrikes a Blow, And in a feigned Paffion bids it go : Then in his Hand another Piece he takes, And in its Praife a long Harangue he makes ; And tells 'em that 'tis writ in lofty Verfe, One that is out of Print, and very fcarce ; Then with high Language, and a ilately Look, He fets a lofty Price upon the Book : Five Pound, four Pound, three Pound, he cries aloud, And holds it up, and fhews it to the Crowd, With Arm ere£t, the Bidders to provoke, To raife the Price before th' impending Stroke: This in the Throng does Emulation breed, And makes 'em ftrive each other to out-bid, While he defcants upon their learned Heats, And his facetious Dialed repeats : For none like him for certain knew fo well, By way of Auftion any Goods to fell. 'Tis endlefs to exprefs the Ways he had To fell the Good, and to put off the Bad. But, ah! in vain I ftrive his Fame to fpread; The great, the wife, the knowing Man is dead. And you in Painting skill'd, his Lofs bewail, He's dead that did expofe your Works to Sale, See how he lies, all difmal, wan, and pale : No more by him your Praife will be exprefs'd, For, ah ! he's gone to his eternal Reit : Can you forget how he for you did bawl, Come, put it in, a fine Original, Done by a curious Hand : what Strokes are here Drawn to the Life, how fine it does appear ! O lovely Piece, Ten Pound, Five Pound, for Shame ; You do not bid the Value of the Frame! How many pretty Stories would he tell, T inhaunce the Price, and make the Picture fell- But now he's gone, ah ! the fad Lofs deplore ! Great Millingtojiy alas ! lie is no more. And } 324 r An Efay upon WO MEN. And you, the Mutes Darling, to rehearfe Your forrow for the Lofs of him in Verfe, Mourn, mourn together ; for that Tyrant, Death, Has robb'd the famous Auctioneer of Breath,. His E P I T A P H. Underneath this Marble Stone Lies the famous Millington : jl Man who through the World didfteer, Ttb* ftation of an Auctioneer,* A Man -with wondrous Senfe and Wijdom lleft Whofe Qualities are not to be expreft. An EJfay upon Women. A Fragment. YO U ask me to give you the true Picture of a Woman: I muft tell you, according to my Opi- nion, it is a true Compendium of Pride, Vanity, Lux- ury, Idlenefs, Spleen, Folly, Malice, and Envy ; z( Bait made on Purpofe to put us Men, (who glory in our Knowledge of the molt abftrufe Myfteries, in our great military Atchievements, and our governing the World) in mind of our Frailty, in fuffering our felves to be cnfnar'd in that Net, which being baited with that Bait, is the Bane of all our Blifs, and renders our Lives miierable for ever. If this Compofition happen to have dome fmall Ingredient of Simplicity, or (as fome will call it) of good Nature] that is to fay, if out of Fear, me is either over-rul'd by a Husband to keep in a to- lerable Decorum, fo as not to tire the poor Infant out of his Life, by her Obftreperoufnefs and continual Cla- mours ; though, at the fame Time, her Weakne fs, or Good-nature, (if you plcafe) will not permit her to re- ject the kind Offers and Arts of an infinuating Gallant, or a cunning old Lady, who bubbles her at the Expence of her Husband ; fhe thinks-fhe may juftly challenge the Title of a good, or at leaft, of a good naturd Woman ; and Woe be to the poor Wretch that is yoak'd to her, if he clares fay a Word againft it ; and though he be not fo 3 com- An EJfay upon WO MEN. 325 com plaifant to his Wife's Good-nature, to think her a ^ Woman, yet Woe, I fay, to him, if he dares to fay fo, he is fure to -have the general Vote, with a nemine cen- tradicente, of all the good Women againft him; and of thefe, you know, there are not a fmall Number. Ifthefe be the good Women, what do you think of the bad Ones ? I will not, at this Time, enlarge my felf upon the whole Body of the Sex. I am very willing to pafs by in Si- lence thofe of the meaneft Rank; as their Behaviour, for the mod part, is infupportable, and often more like Brutes than rational Creatures, fo they have that to fay- in their Behalf, that they tread the Steps of their Pa- rents meerly by Inftincl, and without Difguife. It be- ing my Intention to confine the Compafs of this Eflay to fome of thofe chiefly of a fuperior Rank, who by their Extraction, Affluence of Fortune, a liberal, gene- rous, and apparent Education, (for fuch too often it. is) and genteel Converfation, may feem to challenge much greater Prerogatives than thofe of the common. People. And now, I would ask any young Country 'Squire of them all, lately brought to live by my Lady his Mother, or his Aunt ; or any young Scholar of the Univerfities, come up to London along with his Cou- fin, to view the Curiofities of that City j I fay, I would.' ask either of them, when they came firft into the Play- houfe, (perhaps to fee fome new Play, or magnificent. Opera) and found the Boxes hVd with fo great Num- bers of fair, magnificently attir'd, and fumptuoufly at- tended Ladies, whether they did not lofe their Senfes at the firft Sight of them, and during this Rapture, they were them felves transported into terreftrial Paradife; where, inftead of Women, find they were- to enjoy the. fecret Converfations of Angels. Truly, young Gentle- men, I can't much blame you ; good Men of many Years and Inheritance have been as much miftaken as vour felf, nay, rather more, when, inftead of Paradife, they have got into Lob's, Pound, the only Purgatory to purge off in this World, which purifies them fo nice- ly, that there are many of them have nothing but Skin and Bones left them. Pray look a little about you, for here you will find them of all Sorts and Sizes, from the Lord 326 An Efay upon WO MEN. Lord to the Country-fellow, from the long Robe to the Caflbck, from the Sword to thePen-man, all inveigled in* to the Sin; and you are likely to fall into it without Shame, in bringing the Words of JEfofs Fox, Omnia me vef- tigia terrent. I fee you are big to tell me that I on- ly banter, and 'tis impoffible Ladies with fuch Angel- like Graces and Shapes, with fo engaging a Deport- ment, and fo admirable an Air, mould be nothing but Darknefs within. Have you forgot how Lucian compares them to the Egyptian Temples, which are moft magnifi- cent Structures without, but their Deities within, nothing but an Ape, a Dog, or fome other ugly deform'd Crea- ture ? Had Lucian liv'd fince the Difcovery of the Chi- 7ie\e Temples to the Europeans, he would have had Recourfe, in his Comparifon, to them, inftead of thofe of the Egyptians : For, as the Cbinefe Temples far ex- ceed the others, as well in the Precicufnefs of the Ma- terials, as in the Beauty of Workmanfhip; fo the moft monftrous Shapes of their Gods, contain y d-W4thm, feem to have nearer Relation to the modern Extravagancies of the Sex. Some have compar'd them to the tranfparent Glaflcs in the Jpotbecaries or Chymifts Shops, which feem gilt without, but contain bitter Draughts and dead- ly Remedies, unlefs us'd with the utmoft Precaution. Should I but rehearfe here half the Titles and Epithets Solomon beftows upon Women, what do you think weuld become of our EJfay ! It would certainly fwell into a good large Piece ; and who can deny, but that he was the belt. Judge that ever was of the Sex ? His Judgment being founded not only upon his Wifdom, but alfo upon his own experimental Philofophy and Prac- tice. But that it may not be objected, as if Things, were much alter'd fince Solomon* & Time, in refpecl as well of the female Sex, as in many other Matters, let us caft an Eye upon the Education, Practices, and De- portment of thofe that fet up for the Female Beaux of this Age. To trace their Education from its head Spring, you too often fee a young Mils in her very tender Years, put to the Management of fome old La- dy or other, who having formerly been my Lady's Wo- man, (and perhaps my Lord's too) is annex'd, like an Appen- r An Effay upon WO MEN. 327 Appennage to a Benefice ; fo that having liv'd in ho- ly Converfation with the Curate, fhe is, after her Hus- band's Death, now thought fully qualify'd for the Edu- cation of Mifs. This cunning Hag, knowing it is the fafefl Way to rife now, inflead of giving to her young Pupil fuch LefTons as may lead her to Humility, Modef- ty, and an eafy and complaiiant Temper, is fure, in or- der to flatter her young Miilrefs's Fancy, and engage her entirely into her Jntereft, to infufe into her quite contrary Principles. She will not fail to tell her, twen- ty times a Day, of the Charms of her Eyes, the De- licacy of her Complexion, the Nicety of her Shape, Cifr. and, in Conclufion, fhe never fails to put her in Mind that all thefe were Gifts of Nature, intended to allura Men, and to keep them in Slavery ; with nuny more fuch like edifying Inltructions, fhe is bell able to give, becaufc fhe has prattis'd them before her felf. If her young Miftrefs be of Quality, fhe tells her, 'tis Haugh- tinefs mufl be the chief Aim of her Deportment ; if fhe's Rich, fhe makes her Belly her God ,- fhe tells her, fhe ought to eat nothing the Seafon affords, be it never fo dearly bought ; and the better to gratify both her own and her young Millrefs's Appetite, (for fhe will certain- ly come in for her full Share] fhe will take a great deal of Pains to perfwade her, that fine Meats and delicious Sauces ferve to invigorate her Spirits, render her more plump and comely, and confequently encreafe her Charms to the undoing of Mankind. Mifs, thus initiated in the Principles of Vanity, Pride, and Luxury, Hands now in want of one who may, like a true Afiiftant to her Tu- torefs, teach her hov to put in Practice fome Part at leafl of her Inilru&ions. And who do you think fhould this good Man be ? I'll warrant you, you will fay, it mufl be fome Man of Wifdom and Experience in the fine Art of accomplifhing Ladies, as may feem to appear to you ? But, alas ! how far do you fhoot from the Mark ? Be not furpriz'd if I tell you, 'tis a certain Wbipper-Snapper call'd a Dancing-m after, with a blue Coat, fcarlet Stockings, and a he'd Hat ; he being of Mrs. Tutorefs's Acquaintance, in having purchas'd her Favours by the Help of fome Pieces of Gold, or per- haps jiS An EJfay upon WO MEW. haps by doing her another good Turn, is, by her Commendation, conftituted chief Manager of ?ilifs's good Carriages and Manners. This Fellow, when he is in- troduc'd to the Parents, will tell them Wonders in Praife of Dancing ; how Socrates learn'd to dance in - his Old-age, how the grave Lacedemonians us'd it in their publick Feafls, and how even the Saltan Priefts at Rome danc'd in Honour of Mars ; but he is fure not to men- tion one Word, how Saluft upbraided Sempronia with dancing too nicely, and how Cato objected the fame to Hudre?ias. He takes Care not to put them in Mind of Petrarch's faying, «* That at Balls many a grave Ma- " tron has loft her Honour, many a Virgin has learn'd " what me never knew ; but never any one return'd " more virtuous than fhe went. This LefTon, tho J verify'd by daily Experience, being not for his Purpofe, he is careful to avoid ; but inftead thereof, extols his Art, as capable of charming the Mind, and making a young handfome Lady fc accomplihYd, as to render her "Power irrefiftible to thofe that behold her. Mils is fure to be told, as often as he teaches her, of her fine/ Legs and Feet, her round and well-tnrn'd Body, grace- ful Mein and Carriage ; which, if wellimprov'd, will by degrees make her the Admiration of all the World. To tickle MhVs Fancy, and the Beholders, he will, uti- - der Pretence that good Company is a great Addition towards the Improvement of an Art, in which in a great ■ Meafure fhe muft fix the Hopes of her greateft Prefer- ments, introduce fome lewd and debauch'd Difciples of' his to dance with Mifs; who, upon this Occafion, are not fparing to letloofe their Tongues, and to infufe in- to the young Scholar, by their Difcourfe, fuch Motions ' as perhaps fhe never thought of before. Not to men- tion the Enormities and Extravagancies committed at the Balls, in the moft publick Dancing- Schools ; where, by the antick Geftures, antick Tunes, and obfeene Airs, fhamelefs Hands, and fometimes alio by immodeft Kif- fes, Youth is initiated to the very Practice of Wanton- nefs. But to return to our Domeftick Education ; whilfl the Dancing-Mafter labours hard to make his young Female Scholar a perfecl Pattern and Mafter-piece of his'- Art,, An EJaj upon WOMEN. 329 Art, and me, poor willing Tit, very diligent in fol- lowing his Steps, and praclifmg fometimes all Night long : To fecond her Mafter's Endeavours, her Tutor- efs, in order to improve the natural Faculties of her Mind, as well as the Dancing-Mailer does the Activity of her Body, takes care to furnim her young Miilrefs. (who now begins to come to Years of Maturity) with rare hiflories of Luft, of Fornications, and Adulteries ; with Surprizing Romances, engaging Novels, enticing Co- medies, and wanton Songs ; nay, fometimes, with Ovid's Art ef Love, and perhaps with fom'e of a worfe Stamp. But for fear the young Lady mould not be fo apt a Scholar as to apprehend fo foon the Myfteries of all thefe voluminous Pieces, Madam Tutorefs, not to be deficient in her Duty, and at the fame Time to fhew her Experience in amorous Affairs, will not be Wanting to illuftrat: the difficult Paffages with her own Anno- tations and Obferrations, and render every Thing fo obvious to her, that fhe mull be one of a very dull Ap- prehenfion, if me is not fully convincd of the Thing. Rather than fail, the old Gentlewoman will bring in fome Love Intrigues of her own; fhe will tell her how many Lovers, or Sweet-hearts (the better to palliate the Matter) me had, what Prefents they made her ; nay, how they courted and lov'd her ; that unlefs the young Lady be naturally of a very infipid and phlegmatick Difpofition, fhe fets her a longing for the fame Thing, and wifhes fhe might have been in her Stead at that Time. Judge now what fort of Improvements fuch fine Proceedings can produce, fmce they ferve only to feafon the morl Innocent with Pride, Vanity, Luxury, Voluptuoufnefs, a light Carriage, Infolence, Craft, Im- pudence, and Arrogance; not to fay worfe. I fee by your very Countenance, you are impatient to object a- gainft me, That thefe modeft Looks, fmiling Faces, and fweet Deportments, are in themfelves fufficient to con- tradict thofe Slanders and Characters I impofe upon 'em, perhaps,' to divert, or revenge my felf, at the Expence of the Fair Sex: But have a little Patience, you will per- haps be in a better Mood, young Man, when I lhall make it out to you, as I intend to do, That they bellow . at 330 The Char jns of the B TTL E. at length as much Time and Pains in the Art of Bif- Simulation, as they do in fetting out their Faces. The Charms of the Bottle, a Friend, to Love ; in Anfwer to a Female Friend's Letter. J T is no fmall Charm to me, my dear Melaiiijfa, to find by Yours, that I have ftill fo great a Share in your Heart. The Concern you exprefs needs no cx- cufe, fince it is an Argument of your Fondnefs ; which muft make a Heart, fenfible as mine, eafily forgive a Warmth that is only the EfTeft of a Love, of which Alexis muft ever be proud. But give me Leave, my dear Melanijfa, while I pay all the Deference in the World to your Beauty, to diiTent from your Opinion. You feem jealous of my Inclinations to the Bottle , in which you proceed upon a great Miflake, quarrelling with your Friend as an Enemy. For Wine to Love, and a Friend ccnfejs'd. And Love, without the Vintner Bacchus, and the Cook Ceres > would frieze up and die. They furnifh frefh Spirits and new Defires, and make every Night like the firft. The Nymph gathers frefh Charms from our Cups ; which, like Telefcopes, difcover fecret Beau- ties one cannot fee without them. You erroneoufly therefore confine the Bottle to Old Age, and by pre- ferring a perpetual, a continued Courfe of Beauty with- out Interruption, promote an Inconftancy you would not approve. Enjoyment is a lufcious Food, which foon clogs the Appetite, if we feed too grofly upon it ; whilft Intervals, and their Pleafures, keep it up, and give an Edge to Defire. Your The Charms of the BOTTLE. 331 Your Letter, indeed, is a Proof of what you fay, That you knew little of the World, when you fet up a Paradox that can never be made out ; nay, I am afraid, MelaniJJa, that you knew as little of Nature, when you imagine, that a Man can always be imprifon'd in white Arms. To retire to my Study now and then, is no Con- finement but Pleafure ; but to be always lock'd up with a Book, will make the moll fludious Man dull and empty. The Liberty we take Abroad, and the noify Delights of Converfation, make a Retirement the more agreeable. If you would have us vigorous and fond when we are with you, you fhould indulge our Abfcence fometimes to vary the Scene. He that is always at Table, makes but a fcurvy Meal ; where we never ought to come, but with a good keen Appetite, then fell to with a Stomach, and our Victuals does us good. Your Draught of the Tavern, is partial and imper- fect j you draw a Likenefs, indeed, but 'tis a fcurvy one ; nay, fuch a one, that you would never forgive in Delial and Sir Godfrey. But this comes from a Mis-in- formation ; you have it by Hear/ay ; and becaufe Scoun- drels and Rakes abufe the Creature, you allow no good Ufe of it. From the Play, indeed, we pafs to the Rofe; and having glutted our Eyes with the Ladies, and our Ears with the Poet, we unbend over a Bottle, and prepare for the Embraces of Melanijfa. Each Glafs we drink we crown with her Health, and every Glafs is indeed a frelh Millrefs ; it fparkles like her Eyes, and is rud- dy like her Lips ; fmells like her Breath, and gives Joys like her Arms; whilft Wit and Good-humour make the Night rival the Day, and Bacchus gives more chearful Warmth than the Sun. Formality and Dif- guife is laid afide, and the fecond Bottle leaves no cautious Referve, reltoring the Golden Age ; whilit De-. fign and mean Cunning are left to the grave Confults of the Aged. Here the fprightly Repartees fly about with the Glafs, and Horace and Anacreon arifc from their Graves, to exalt the Conveifation. Soft Ovid and Tibullus, and learn'd Catullus, by Turns make their Entry to heighten our Pleafure; Co- rinna 332 The Charms of the B TTL E. rinna and Lejbia are compar'd to Melaniffa, and we judge of the Joys of thefe Poets by thole trot we now rind in your Arms. Thus Wit and Wine afpire and. blefs our Hours, 'till we part with full Satisfaction in the innocent and manly Diverfion. But now let us view the Biggot of Venus ; I fee hovr mort are his Joys to ours. The fober Sot flies from the Play, Cclias his Apartment for Kiffes and Raptures, which are always the fame. He fteris in-a-Doors, gets into her Chamber; the Vifit's betray 'd, and in the midll of his Tranfports, is fain to leap from the Balcony in his Shirt; happy if he efcape both the Keeper and the Watch at Expence of his Purfe and Reputation. But fuppofe him more fortunate, and no ill Adventure interrupt his Amour, the Parents ileep foundiy, the Con- fident is faithful, the Keeper or Husband from Home ; yet Cdia is falfe, claps her favour'd Gallant into her Clofet on your Approach, and fuffers your Embrace, while the other has all her CarefTes. In a Morning or two, the Bubble finds himfelf warmer than he defir'd, and Pills and Bolus's muft repair the Breaches of his Tabernacle: Doclors, Surgeons, -^nd Apothecaries-Bills, come inftead of Billet -re _:>-hes, and pains for Raptures and Tranfports ; and "o for one Night's En- joyment, does Penance 3 M-nth ; W *re.o *he Debauch of the Bottle, is heaPd the heft Mornin 3 nd the Li- quor that gave the flight Wound, gives an agreeable Cure. But fuppofe him more hippv and free from this Pu- nifhment, Jealouiies and Fears, Quarrels and Tears, foon enter the Lifts of Am- r . Gelid is cold, he fvyears file's inconflant ; fhe's inpatient of the Accufition ; he is more confirm 'd; fhe fcolds, he rants; fhe cries, he fubmits, or perhaps flies awr»y in Indignation, purfues a new Game, has the fame Fate, and fo fpends his Life in a foolifh Round of fhort Pleafures and long Pains : While the Bottle renews its Enchantments every Night, and never fours, but fweetens- your Humour; is obedient to your Will, enjoy'd when you pleafe, and thrown afide when your Appetite's fatisfy'd. If one don't *the Wonder of Wonders'. no? don't pleafe you, the Drawer obediently pimps for your Pleafure with another. Thus you fee, Melanifa, that the Bottle is on as good a Foot as the Joy you perfwade, and merits not the Contempt you wou'd have us beftow on its Charms. But I'll join fo far with you, I'll allow you your Plea- fure, provided you allow me mine; let me Jjrink and you ihall Love ; Claret prepares me for 'your Arms, and when I find my f-lf rul'd by its Energy di- vine, infpir'd with the God, I'll come 'to your Arms; and convince you, by my Zeal, that you have rail'd at your Friend; and if Interef! was the Source of your /Advice, you'll find it was a miftaken Tntercit, as this Night you lhall experience from him that 'loves as dearly and tenderly as Melauijfa, that is, your Alexis, 'The Wonder of Wonders ; or, a rich Vintner and no Cuckold, OH! Happy F—ck, thou alone art he, From jealous Stings and forked Antlers free; No am'rous Coxcombs clutter round thy Bar, To breathe their Paifions in thy Help-mate's Ear, Or at thy Bride their fquinting Glances throw'; * Whilit thou art mixing fatal Wines below, Such that with fcorching Fevers fill our Veins, And with inebrious Fumes diitratf: our Brains.' The bouncing Partner of thy nuptial Joys Who crowd thy Nurs'ry with fuch thumpin'o- Boys Graces the Confines of her chaulky Throne ' Atleaft with two Cart-loads ofFlefh and Bone; And feems, by her huge Sarazanick Face, To be deriv'd of old Tagennas Race ; Who was, if ancient Writers do not lye, Twelve Fathom thick, and feventy Cubits high. But thine's a Fairy to fo tall a Dame, And cannot tow'r to fuch a lofty Fame ; Yet none that ever view'd her, makes a boubt, Butihat /he's fix Foot high, and twelve about / Yet fh'as fuch Charms in her gigantick Face, And moves with fuch an Elephant-like Grace, That 334 The Wonder of Wonders. That were Ant&us living thou might'ft dread A Rival then, that might adorn thy Head. But fince Mankind to Pigmies are declined, And no fuch monftrous Men we now can find, Thou'rt fafe from all the horned Plagues that wait On Love, and need not fear Acieon*s Fate ; For th©* thy Bride appears fo fat and fine, She's far too big for any Arms but thine. What, tho' no Moon at full, with all her Light* Can mew a Countenance more large and bright; And that her fnowy Breafts look big, and fpread, Like two Peck Loaves of whiteft Flour made ; Yet who can tell but that which hidden lies, May prove by chance of a delightful Size, Since Greenland Sea-men from Experience note, That the huge Whale has but a narrow Throat : The mighty Monrter, arm'd with Jv'ry Tooth, Tho J large his Limbs, has but a little Mouth. What, tho' her Belly looks as if fhe bore, Beneath her Clouts, a Sack of Malt before, To keep the fpacious Centre of her Charms Beyond the luftful Reach of common Arms ; For her Temptation, as fhe upright ftands, Lies too remote by much, for human Hands ; And from Affaults and Bobs is fafe and free, 'Till Love's huge Pillars are difclos'd for thee. What, tho' her fwclling Buttocks chafe behind, And like too Mill-ftones, as fhe waddles, grind, It is a pleafing Sign fhe has no need Of artful Pillows in her Nuptial Bed ; But that fh'as Flefh enough, when hugg'd at Night, To raife her Charms to a convenient Height. Therefore make much of thy gigantick Bride, "J For all the World believes fhe never try'd S Love's tickling Joys with any Man befide. J England England'; Triumph. 2 36 England'/ Triumph for their Conquefl in Fhn- ders, in the Tear 1694, when the French tock^hmur, worjled us at Sceenkirk, and General Talmafh was kili'd at the Defcent upon Breft. A Burlefque Poem. By Mr. Tho. Brown. "117 Hen People find their Money fpent, They recollect which Way it went, The like in order to prevent That Money's fpent, I need not tell, The French King's Tyranny to quell; I'm fure we mull remember well, for future. 'tis true, Sir. But lead that we fhou'd think it vain, Our Englijh Feats I will proclaim, And what we did the lafl Compaign in Flandersl With Money flufh'd, and Arms good flore, We'd touch the French to 'th quick we fwore, With that in Halle we hurry'd o'er Commanders, But fcarce they'd fet their Foot on Shore, But News was brought that Luxemburg Had actually befieg'd Namure, nigh Liege, Sir. This Action put 'em in Amaze, And yet if they fhou'd make Delays, They thougkt they hardly e'er fhou'd raife the Siege, S'.r. With that they fummon all their Force, Full fourfcore thoufand Foot and Horie, That never flinch, nor hang an Arfe, when fighting. But yet all this did prove in vain, They not an Inch of Ground cou'd gain, There was fuch Storms of Thunder, Rain, and Lighting. The 33 6 England'i Triumph for The Seafon bad did make 'em fret, Not that they fear'd the French a bit, But that it was fo curfed wet, raw Weather; And raife the Siege they cou'd not do't, It was fo dirty under Foot ; The French were ftrong intrench'd to boot, On this they frequent Councils call, In which they voted, one and all, That leaft the French fhou'd chance to maul *Twas better let the Town be taken, Provided they cou'd fave their Bacon ; The Weather too in Time might happen Thus being, as you hear, diftrefs'd, They think it now high Time to reft, And full two Months they took at leaft When thus refrefh'd, than up they rofe, And f.vore if none did them oppofe, They'd be reveng'd, and make their Foes together, the Army, lefs ftormy. to do it. to rue it, Away they march, with full Intent To pay thefe French a Complement, And drub them to their Hearts content, • but mark, Sir. The French their Coming underftood, And therefore lin'd a little Wood, Where they their Party did make good 'till dark, Sir. Thefe cunning Rogues had manag'd fo, That we receiv'd another Blow, Which might have prov'd our overthrow, Here our poor Englijh go to Pot, Becaufe, forfooth, it is their Lot To undergo all Service hot, pray mind it. we find it. We t/jeir C&nquefl in Flanders] We had about feven thoufand flain, But that is nothing in the main, Confidering what we hope to gain in Then we'll recover all again, What one of ours we'll kill them ten,. 'Till we have wafted all their Men, But now tho' this Attempt did fail, We'd ftill a Trick that wou'd prevail, And make Monfieur his Stars bewail, next Battlei; meer Rattlei with Sorrows. We had a Project under- hand, That foon would make him under ft and, He muft no longer keep the Land h' had borrow'd,. This noble Whim to execute, A mighty Fleet was fitted out, And TalmaJJj is the Man muft do't, Away he goes, with might and main, To try if he cou'd Footing gain, But there the gallant Man i* flain, Namur we faw to France fiibmit, At Steenkirk w'had enough of it, And the Defcent did prove befhit Our Conqueft thus at length you view, And how the French we did fubduej Our Triumphs, next I will to you The Tower-Guns were all prepar'd, And Fire-works on Lighters rear'd ; But what came on them, I ne'er heard In Houfes all Folks fet up Lights, Only fome fawcy Jacobites, Who were all put to mortal} Flights, or no Man}. brave Romnril all over. 1 difcover verbnm* to curb 'cml. Vol. IV. Firfc 338 England*/ Triumph, &c. Fir ft came the Guards to clear the Way, And next a 'Scuire in Boots of Hay, Upon a Nag moft miferably Mafons and Bricklayers, with their Rules, Join with the other Rout of Fools, Who were to be the Party's Tools Next thefe, in Droves the Rabble come, In one Hand Club, in t'other Stone, Thofe Windows that had Candles none, Laft came a Coach, in which there fat Four Lords, who went, as People prate, L The General to congratulate jaded* . perfwaded. to batter.' and flatter; But after all, it muft be faid, Our Conqueft was not quite Co bad, But they thefe Triumphs- merited, . and more, Sir. For never yet, as I prefume, "Was Britijl) Prince, or Emp'ror of Rome, With Farthing Candles lighted Home before, Sir* An Anacreontkh On a Laf-Dc*g. jSJICE, pretty Nice, thou •* v Can'ft not, but, ah! cou'd'ft thou know How thou doft my Envy raiie, And (becaufe fhe loves thee) Praife ; Thou wou'd'ft not change for what is New* For Mexico, or for Peru. In that Lap, ah ! Nice, reft, And think ! Nice, think thou'rt bleftj But if thoa wilt thy Station change, And in another Precinct range, In Tap'ftry, thou, or Silks, (halt lie, Under the richeft Canopy; Oa } "The Poefs Fareviel. $$p On Citron Cedar, or on Gold, Or what thou doft moft coftly hold. • If thou wilt but in Exchange thy Place refign, "V Let but thy Privilege be mine, > This (hall, and more than this, be thine. J And, if I gain the Hope I crave> Nice, I vow that thou (halt have An Epitaph upon thy Grave. A farewell to Poor England. By Mr. Tho* Brown. In the Year 170^ FArewel falfe Friends, farewel ill Wine, Farewel all Women with Defign, Farewel all pocky cheating Punks, Farewel Lotteries, farewel Banks: And, England, I, in leaving thee, May fay, farewel to Poverty. Adieu: Where'er I co, J am fure to find:. Nothing fo ill as that I leave behind. Farewel Nation without Senfe, Farewel Exchequer without Pen.ce> Farewel Army with bare Feet, Farewel Navy without Meat, Farewel writing fighting Beauxs, And farewel ufeleis Plenipoes. Adieu, &c. Farewel you Good Old C ufe Promoters, Farewel brib'd Artillery Voters j Farewel to all Attainting Bills, And Record which for Witnefs kills} Farewel to Laymens Villainy, And farewel Churchmens Perjury. Iaf&ad 34<> l^e Foe*** Fartwk Inftead of One King, Farewel Nine, And all who AiTbciating fign. Farewel you gull'd unthinking Fops, Poor broken Merchants, empty Slops; Farewel pack'd Judges, cull'd for Blood, With eight Years -War for England's Good. Adieu, &c. Farewel you Judges, who difpenfe With perjur'd Cut-throat Evidence; Farewel thou haughty little Mou(e, With thofe that choofe thee for the Houfe; Farewel Long and fpightful Looks, With Reverend Ofites, and all his Books. Adieu, &c. Adieu once more: Britannia, fare thee well j And if all this won't mend thee, May the D -triumph in your Spoil, May Beggary run throughout your J fie, And no one think it worth his while To. take up to defend thee. FINIS, \