D UKE UNIVERSIT Y LIBRARY Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2015 https://archive.org/details/fifteenhundredri01gree /Mel i le '^re^O-i^ PREFACE. Guess this Riddle 1 Is sometliing tliat we, doubtless, have not always been able to do when requested. It has often puzzled the wisest of us to make out simple riddles. Trifling as these exei- cises for ingenuity may be considered, wise men have not thought it an unworthy use of their time and talents to solve them. Riddles have always been popular in all countries, and if we can add to the amusement and enjojrment of those who may use this little book, our object shall be accomplished. It has been thought best to give the answer to every 4 question so that any attentive reader will not find it necessary to exclaim; FIFTEEN HUNDRED "^^4 KIBBLES AND CONUNDRUMS. Why are birds very much depressed early in a Summer's morning? Because their little bills are all over due. Can you tell me v/hy The deceitful eye Can better decry, Than you or I, On how many toes A pussy cat goes? The eye of deceit Can best count her feet (counterfeit) : And so, I suppose, Can best count her toes. Why is an old man's house always easy to enter? Because his gate is broken and his locks are few. What does a pig do when it loses its home ? It ties a knot in its tail and calls it a pig sty. Why is a dog's tail like an old man? Because it is infirm. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses. How does a goose resemble a cow's tail? Both grow down. What is the first thing that goes into a boot? The last. Why? Because the last shall be first. <5 CONUNDRUMS. When is a pig heavier than a pig? When it is led If all the women went to China where would all the Ifien go ? To Pekin (peek in). What city is like an habitual drunkard ? Berlin. It s always on a Spree. Which is the coolest seat in an omnibus? The one next to the pole. Why is paper money more valuable than gold ? Be- cause when you put it in your pocket you double it, and when you take it out you find it still /«creases. Who killed the greatest number of chickens ? Ham- let's uncle " did murder most foul." Write a cipher, Prefix fifty, To the right place five ; Then add one fifth of eight. The whole will be the sum of human happiness. LOVE. What newspapers does a gentleman desire when he kisses a lady? No Observers^ no Spectators, and aS many Times as he pleases. Why is a falling star like a fog ? One is missed from heaven, and the other is mist from earth. What piece of carpentry becomes a gem as soon as finished ? A-gate. Why is a cautious, prudent man like a pin ? Be- cause his head prevents him from going too far. Where is happiness always to be found ? In the dic- tionary. What is the only pain of which every one makes li^ht? Wmdow-pan§, CONUNDRUMS 7 Why is a naughty boy like a postage stamp? Be- cause both need a little licking to make them stick to their letters. Place four nines so as to equal one hundred ? 99I. What is it from which if you take all its letters it re- mains the same? A postman. For what was Eve made ? Adam's express company. There was a man, who bought a thing, The thing he bought, he did not want, The man who sold it, could not use it. The man who used it, did not know it. Coffin. What chin is never shaved ? Ur-chin. What is the most unequal contest mentioned in th© Bible? When a little mustard seed sprang up ana waxed a great tree. When did Ruth treat Boaz badly ? When she pullcrcj his ears and trod on his corn. When does love become a pitched battle ? When it comes to an engagement. What is that which the more it is cut the longei it grows ? A ditch. What is that which though always invisible, is neve^ out of sight ? The letter I. Why are washerwomen unreasonaole ? Because they expect to have soft water when it rains hard. Why is a hen supposed to be immortal ? Because her sun (son) nevc;r sets. From what most people do talk ; take nothing, and leave what they shou'i talk. 7Vb;/-sense. s CONUNDRUMS, When is a candle like a tombstone ? When it is put up for a late husband. Why is a young lady who has just left boarding school like a building committee? Because she is ready to receive proposals. Why is a sermon like a kiss ? Because it needs two heads and an application. What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? An Easter-ly one. Why is a pretty girl like a hinge ? Because she is something to a door (adore.) How many peas (P's^ in a pint ? One. Why is a dog's tail a great novelty ? Because you never saw it before. Why is a sheet of postage stamps like distant rela- tives ? Because they are but slightly connected. Who are the most wicked people in the world, and why ? Pen makers. Because they make people steel pens and tell them they do write (right). Why should potatoes grow better than other veget- ables ? Because they have eyes to see what they are doing. Why is coal the most contradictory article known in ^he market ? Because when purchased it goes to the f,eUar instead of the buyer. When are potatoes like gate-posts ? When they are put into the ground to prop-a-gate. Who can be said to be nobody's child ? Joshua, the son of Nun. Name an organ without a stop. The human tongu*?. CONUNDRUMS. 9 "Why do shoemakers never die? Because they stick to the last. When is a lady's neck not a neck ? When it's a little bare (bear). When is a baby not a baby ? When it's a little cross. When is a nose not a nose ? When it's a little red- dish (radish). What leads you to suppose that fleas are more sub- ject to madness than any other insect or animal } Be- cause they generally die cracked. What is it that must stand before it can sit.^ A member of Congress. Why is a child with a bad cold like a snow-storm ? Because it blows, it snows (nose). Why is an old oak tree like a tight shoe ? Because it produces a corn. A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between two ducks ; how many ducks were there in all ? Three. If a person suffering from hydrophobia were asked to dcfcribe the symptoms of his disorder, what sum- mer lainties would he name? Water-ices (water I sees) \ ice-creams (I screams). What strange metamorphose co people undertake every night? They turn into bed. Bones, why are you like a beefsteak ? Because you require to be hauled over the coals. What 's the effect on a man of leading a woman to the alcsj y In that act his leadership begins and ends Wh^ s a plant like a pig ? When il roots. 10 CONUNDRUMS. What is a difficult question? The minutes relating to an affair of honor, they are always drawn up by the seconds. Why should you never abuse a briefless lawyer ? Be- cause it is decidedly wrong to abuse a man without a cause. Why does a woman keep a secret ? It is pretty sure to be with telling effect. When is an author like a ghost ? When he appears in sheets. Why should pirates be thrown into the sea uncere- moniously ? Because they are sea worthy. Why may stone cutters reasonably believe there is no such thing as granite ? They never saw it. Why should work people imitate the wind ? The wind is always busy, and, like a cheerful operator, it whistles at its work. What is the difference between a man averse tc reckoning and an old woman who kissed her cow.^ First, there is no taste for reckoning, and in the second there is no accounting for taste. Why are the girls of America conducive to specie payments ? Because they are the circulating medium ; their drafts on our hearts are honored at sight, and are sure to introduce small change among the masses. When is a single plough-share most valuable? When it is in the earth ; for it is worth more than twenty in paper. Why is a fop like a cinnamon tree? Because the bark is worth more than the bush. A photographer's epitaph-—" Taken from lif^**" COXUXDR CMS. II When is a child a perfect blessing? When it is a well-spring of pleasure. What sort of a rib is most valuable ? A spare-rib. Where may we hope never to meet a friend ? While we are ascending the hill of prosperity. What is the greatest blessing Heaven can send? A good wife. What is the sentiment that should actuate us all? Love to one, friendship to a few, and good-will to all. Name a bank that there is no discount on ? A bank of earth. What debt should we be ever ready to pay ? To give the devil his due. What is Neptune's coat-of-arms ? The crest of a wave. Tell me what is a Western settler ? The contents of a six-shooter. Bones, as you are a capital maxi, tell me how to get a Herring safe ? Catch him in a net. When is fishing discouraging? When you fish all day and get nothing but mosquito bites. Why should you never put your v/atch under your pillow? Because you should never sleep on your watch. What parties are young ladies always partial to? Wedding parties. What is the difference between a gent dancing with a miss and one losing his photograph in a railway car? One faces his miss and the other misses his face. W^man is a delusion ; but men will hug delusions. Jf2 CONUNDRUMS. Why should a doctor have his office near a burial' ground ? As a matter of convenience to his patients. Why is a mad bull an animal of a convivial disposi- tion ? Because he offers a horn to every one he meets. Can the sun's character be considered spotless. Why is the endorser of a note called a surety ? Be- cause he is almost sure to have to pay it. If a Colt's pistol has six barrels, how many barrels ^)ught a horse pistol to have ? Horace Greeley is reported to have said to an indi- V^idual who obstructed his view at a theatrical perform- ance: "If you observe anything worth seeing, let me know." Why is a hotel ghost like a policeman ? Because it is an inn-spectre. When thunder claps, for whom is the applause in- tended ? How do you arrive at the height of a church-steeple on a hot day } Per-spire. Why 3s a beard like common sense ? Because no women possess it. At which a lady correspondent " goes for it" after the following fashion : Why is the author of the above like a certain worn- out instrument of music. Because he is an abandoned lyre (liar). What is that which gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill ? A draught (draft). Why is a gooseberry tart like a note of a broken bank ? Because it is not current (currant). CONUNDRUMS. 13 Which is the king of trees ? A straight fir. Why ? Because it is fir straight (first-rate). \i I were in the sun and you were out of it, what wo^ld the sun become ? Sin. Wl^t man must have his glass before he can do a day's work } A glazier. What kind of a ship has two mates and no captain ? Courtship. When is a pie like a poet ? When it is Browning. What is the most unfortunate vegetable they could have on board a ship ? A leek. Why is a woman like a locomotive ? Because she draws a train after ^.er, scatters the sparks, and trans- ports the males. What can pass before the sun without making a shadow } The wind. What tradesman most resembles an iron dog.^ A tinker (tin-cur). Why is a woman d.=;formed when she is mending her stockings ? Because her hands are where her feet should be. Whose best works are most trampled upon.? A shoemaker's ; because good shoes last longer than bad ones. A man gave a cattle-farm to his six sons. Why is that farm like the focus of a lens The sun's rays meet there (the sons raise meat there). What flies forever and rests never ? The wind. Why is the sun like a good loaf ? Because it ii al- ways light wh'^.n it rises. 14 CONUN-DRUMSo Why is a guide-book like a pair of handcuffs ? Be cause it is made for tourists (two wrists). Why is a snow-storm the best of jokes ? You ran always see the drift of it. If the good all die early, why are the LaJ iK^e the pupil of the eye ? Because they die late (di-la^e). Why is a peacock like the figure nine ? Because it is nothing without its tail. Why is a king like a cloud? I>ecaase both rain (reign). Why is death like a tm-pan tied to a dog's tail ? Be- cause it is bound to occur (a cur). Why is love like a potato ? Because it shoots from the eyes, it grows in the dark, and it diminishes by paring. Why is the memory of Washington like fine old French brandy ? Because it is very dear to the Amer- ican people. Why is a buckwheat cake like a caterpillar ? Because it's the grub that makes the butter-fly. Why is William Penn, the Quaker, like a codicil ? Because he is appended (a-pen-dead). Why was the first day of Adam's life like a summer day in Spitzbergen ? Because there was no eve to i#. Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers of en- durance ? Because he holds on to the last. When is it an absurdity to offer a liberal reward ? For a correspondent who corresponds with the truth. Why is the blacksmith the most dissatisfied of me- chanics ? Because he is always jtriking for wages, CONUNDRUMS. What i& the greatest risk a soldier has to contend *ith ? Being extinguished before he can become dis- tiicruished. "V^hy did Adam bite the apple which Eve gave him ? Becau;e he had no knife. Why's a proud and vain young lady like a drunkard ? Because leither of them are satisfied with a moderate use of the gass. What is thit if you use it well will look at everybody ; but if you scrach its back it will look at nobody ? A looking-glass. What is that \^hen you add something to it, it will become smaller ; btt if you add nothing, it will become larger ? A hole in a stocking. Why it/e the human race like an auctioneer's goods ? Because they are always going, going, gone. If you was doomed to t\\e stake, would you have a preference ? Yes ; I would prefer a beef-steak. Cousin Fanny complains at the ridiculous complaints of men about crinoline. Why so? Because they only cover two feet. What is the easiest and best way to expand the chest ? By having a good heart in it. Why should you be careful how you entertain friend- ship ? Because it has a cold shoulder. Why would a practical joker make a successful auctioneer? Because of his success in selling his friends. Why is it a good thing to be above-board ? It is a good thing to be above-board, but a pretty bad thing to be overboard. i6 CONUNDRUMS. What should be the length of a man's arms? > man's arms may be short, but every bold step lengthens them two feet. When is a man out of date ? When he's a weak (week) back. Why does a lady's home-dress outlast aV others? Because she never wears it out. Why ought poultry-keeping to be a mJSt profitable business? Because fcr every grain yo^ give a fowl it gives a peck. How would you speak of a tailor ?vhen 5^ou did not remember his name ? You would call him Mr. So and So (sew and sew). What person mentioned in the Scripture would have made a good husband for a tall laundress? A-hi-tub. Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy at arithme- tic ? Because he puts down three and carries one. Why is a lady's foot like a locomotive ? Because it moves in advance of a train. What is that which increases the effect by reducing the cause ? A pair of snuffers. What is the different effect between roses and blos- soms ? It is a very pleasant thing to see roses and lilies glowing upon the cheek of a young lady, but a bad sign to see a man's face break out in blossoms. Why is a stupid man like a man with one leg ? Be- cause his understanding is imperfect. What is that we often see made, but never see it after it is made ? A noise. Hew does a st©ve f@f! when full of coal ? Grateful. CONUNDRUMS. 17 jf a young lady was suffering from blighted affection, what flower weald you give her? Heartsease. Why is the letter A like the meridian ? Because it is in the middle of day. How many young ladies would it take to reach from London to Brighton? Fifty-two ; because a miss is as good as a mile. When a man is asking whether he can speak loud, what kind of a savage does he name ? Cannibal (can I bawl). W^hat kind of toast should every true American im- bibe? A health to those ladies who set the example of wearing America's productions. Why IS Mr. Timothy More, since he lost his hair, like an American city ? Hecause he is bald Tim More (Baltimore). Why IS an orderly schoolmaster like the letter C? Because he makes lasses into classes. According to the laws of retaliation, what right have you to pick an artist's pocket? Because he has picked yours (pictures). In what part of London should Quakers live? Hat- ton (hat on) Gardens. Why is a good tavern like a bad one ? Because both are inn-convenient. Which has the most legs, a horse or no horse ? A horse has four legs, no horse has five. What is that v/hicb is above all human imperfections, and yet shelters the .veak and wisest as w§ll the Wiekedtst f>f sll mankind ? A hat. 1 8 CONUNDRUMS, 'Twas not in Alpine snow or ice, But on homely English ground: *' Excelsior " was their device And sad their fate they found. They did not climb for love of fame, But followed duty's call ; They were united in their aim, But parted in their fall. Jack and Jill. If the letter D were never used, why would it be like a dead man ? It would be deceased (D ceased). Why are sheep the most unfortunate of animals, and, at the same time, the most wicked? Because they spend all their youth on the turf; they gambol when they are young ; the best of them are black legs, and they are invariably fleeced before they die. What should you do with your eyes ? Dot them. Why need you not do it ? Because they are capital eyes. What fruit is like an old monkey? Grapes (gray apes). What is the difference between the surface of a lake and a leaden image of the devil ? One is a dead level and the other is a lead devil. What is the first money transaction mentioned in the Bible ? When Moses drew a check on the Red Sea and the sons of Israel passed it. When do two and two make more than four ? When hey make twenty-two. What is the best land for children? Lap-land. When was beef the highest ?. When the cow jumped over the moon. CONUNDRUMS. 19 What kind of meat is never cheap ? Venison — it is always deer. What is the best name for a wood-chopper? Hugh. When is a Scotchman like a donkey? When he strolls along his banks and braes. How do we know that fishes sometimes go crazy? Because we sometimes find them in Seine, What is the hardest thing to deal with ? An old pack of cards. What evidence have we that Rome was built in a night? Because we are told that "Rome was aot built in a day." What is the best way to make early peas come up? Turn the hens into the garden. Why is the human life the riddle of all riddles ? Be- cause we must all give it up. Where lies the path of duty? Through the cus- tom-house. What is the cord in which you cannot tie a knot ? A. cord of wood. What kind of money do misers like best? That of other people. Why are indolent persons' beds too short for them ? Because they are too long in them. Why would a tax on tarts be objectionable at sea ? Because it would be encouraging to pie-rates. Why should secrets not be told in a vegeta"Dle gar- den ? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and beans stalk about there. 20 CONUNDRUMS. Within a marble dome confined, Whose milk-white walls with silk are lined, There doth a golden ball appear Bathed in a stream of crystal clear, No doors or windows you behold. Yet thieves break in and steal the gold. An egg. Why is a public house like the land of shadows ? Because it is the abiding place of good and bad spirits. Why was St. Paul like a horse Because he was fond of Timothy. When is a man greatly tickled but never laughs? When a fly lights upon his nose. ^ What is the royal road to marriage ? Going to court. Why do railway men always speak of a locomotive as "she"? Because it suggests tender thoughts and draws men after it. Why is conscience like an omnibus strap } It is the inward check to the outward man. When is a gambler like a sportsman.^ When he makes the game his own. Why are Cashmere shawls like deaf people? Be- cause you cannot make them (hear) here. Why is a spendthrift's purse like a thunder-cloud ? Because it is continually lightning. What is it that God never sees, a king seldom, and we every day ? A superior. Why do some juries stand on their dignity. Be- cause they think themselves grand, when they are petty. CONUNDRUMS. 21 What chasm is that that often separates friends? Sarcasm. How many neck-ties had Job ? He had three miser- able comforters; and they were all worsted. How do bees dispose of their honey ? They cell it, of course. Which travels faster, heat or cold ? Heat. Because one can catch a cold. When may one's teeth usurp the functions of one's tongue When they are chattering. What is a green-grocer that we read about ? One Vho trusts. Why are the sun and moon like a halfpenny ? Be- cause they are far-things. Why should the company of jailers never be toler- ated Because they keep bad company. Why have you no cause to fear the arrows of resent- ment from an old man ? Because he never had a beau. What are the greatest attachments made.'* More law-suits than love suits are brought on by attach- ments. When is the heart like a watchman ? When it con- fines itself to its regular beat. What is the height of absurdity ? To defend a po- litical editor against abuse is like holding an umbrella over a duck in a shower. Why should you be shy of winning woman ? Deal- ers in sugar candy are not always candid. When a drunken man solicits aid, what can you con- sistently give him ? Lemonade. 22 I am a word of four syllables. In my first my second sat ; I ate my third and fourth. In-sat-i-ate. CONUNDRUMS. Bones, the difference between the bark of a medical tree, and the bark of a dog ? The one may save one's life, and the other save one's property. What would comprise a fair match ? A woman with- out arms and a man without legs would be a fair match. At what season did Zve eat the apple ? Early in the Why are we so often bid to take care ? Because it comes soon enough whether we want it or not. Of all the Percy family, who is the noblest ? Percy- vere (persevere). And the most cruel? Percy-cute (persecute). What is the difference between a carriage wheel and a carriage horse ? One goes best when it is tired and the other doesn't. Why do so many young ladies tell such confounded fibs ? Because they send word to the front door, " en- gaged," though they never had an offer in their life. Why are the loves of some married folks like their jewelry? For the world's eyes ; thinking it too pre- cious for every-day wear at the fireside. Bones, why do you always eat your sister's share of the cake and pie ? My mother taught me always to take her part. When does a man in a brown coat, with a parcel under his arm, go along Broadway at the rate of five iniles an hour ? When he's in a hurry. fall. CONUNDRUMS. What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt ? The former kills to dress, the latter dresses to kill. In what place did the cock crow when all the world could hear him ? Noah's Ark. Why are stars the best astronomers? Because they have studded (studied) the heavens since the creation. Why is a widower like a house in a state of dilapida- tion.^ Because he wants re-pairing. Why are a pin and a poker like a blind man Be cause they have a head and no eyes. Why is S like a smart repartee ? Because it begins and ends in sauciness. What should a good-natured wife do ? Study. Why is a sparrow like India-rubber.^ Because he is gutter percher (gutta-percha). What roof never keeps out the wet } The roof of the mouth. Why ought one to distrust the opinion of any per- son who does not use cheap perfumes } Because, don't you see, he is wanting in common scents (common sense). What is good diet for a wise man? Sage. Why is the nose in the middle of the face ? Because its the scenter (centre). Why is the average sermon like asparagus ? Because the end is the best part. When is the plebeian higher than the patrician? When Noah took Ham with the Ark. Why is a lazy young dog like an inclined plane ? Because it is a slow pup (slope up). 24 CONUNDRUMS, Why is a black cat looking out of a garret window of a corner house like an orange ? Because it looks round. Why cannot you play at the present moment ? Be- cause all play is pastime. Complete, you wear me ; behead, and you run me ; behead again, you play me ? Brace, race, ace. Why is the man who wears spectacles greatly to be pitied? Because he can't real-eyes (realize) anything. Why is an author's tale like a Chinaman's pig-tail ? Because they both come right out of the head. Bones, can you inform me how to make ice-cream ? Bake it in cold ovens, to be sure. Why is a tallow chandler a bad, and, at the same time, a most unfortunate man? Because his works are all wicked, and all his wicked works will come to light at last. When does a woman's tongue go quickest? When it's on a railroad. When is rank and fashion at a discount? Rank and fashion is tolerated in time of peace ; but rank and file must have precedence of them in time of war. When is a dog like a wandering minstrel ? When he is a rover. Why are cooks of more advantage than editors ? Because they can make better puffs. Why is whispering a breach of good manners ? Be- cause it is not aloud (allowed). Why are troubles like babies ? They grow larger by nursing. COXUNDRUMS. 25 What public speaker lectures without notes ? The blind man. Why is Cardinal McCloskey like a well-behaved goose ? Because he is true to the propaganda (proper gander). What is the difference between a milch cow and a rickety chair? The one gives milk and the other gives U'ay (whey). What is the effect of love at first sight ? It leads to marriage with the eyes shut. Why is it unpleasant to be in company with certain people ? Because they are like sandwiches, only half bred. What way must a wife adopt who wishes to keep a husband at home.^ Send him to the top of the house and take away the ladder. Why are doctors not respectable Because they live by pill-age. If four quarters make a yard, how many will make a garden } When are talented people apt to get sick ? As soon as people begin to make rhymes they are sure to get type-US-fever. Why do lovers indulge in romantic evening rambles ? Because there is a great deal of moonshine in it. What is the best in the world to take ? A grain of common sense; but it is not to be bought at the apoth- ecary's, for it is not a drug in the market. Many consider themselves landless, without good cause ; tell me why. Because they have two or three acres (achers) in their mouths. 20 CONUNDRUMS. If I were to contradict my sister Sarah, what useful organ should I name ? A nasal (nay, Sal) organ. What kind of dust and glass affects the eyes injuri- ously ? Gold dust and brandy glasses. Bones, why are you destined by nature for a farmer ? Because you are so witty that your wife makes buttei- for all the family from the cream of your jokes. Which is the most evil article in a grocer's shop ? Candles ; because they are wick-ed (wicked). Which are the most bread and meat islands ? 1\4 Sandwich Islands. I am a border when complete ; behead me, I am a border still. Hedge-edge. A little higher than my whole, and I run over your glass; behead me and I run round your glass. Brim- rim. Why iz education like a tailor Because it forms our habits. Why is a thief in a garret like an honest man ? He is above doing a wrong action. Neither a father's son, nor a mother's son, yet a hu- .nan child. A daughter. What three letters in the alphabet are expressive of excessive joy ? X T C. Can you tell me what is the summit of assurance? Stealing money from a man's pocket, to settle a debt due to him, is to pay him in his own coin. Can you tell when a little man has two negative qualities ? He never lays long in bed, and he never wanted a great coat. cox UXD RUM'S, 27 does a duel come to an issue suddenly ? When it takes two seconds to arrange it. What trade would you recommend to a small man ? Grocer (grow-sirj. What Chinese city is like a man looking through a key-hole? Pekin. When were vralking-sticks first invented ? When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain (cane). When is a man with wooden legs like one who makes an even bargain ? He has nothing to boot. Why are tailors always brave? Because all of them, without exception, will face a dozen regimental coata When is a chair like a lady's dress ? When it's sat ii^ (satin). What chief virtue do;.j frozen water represent > Just-ice. When is the worst weather for rats and mice ? Whett it rains cats and dogs. Which is the ugliest hood ever worn ? Falsehood What is greater than a nutmeg? A nutmeg-grater of course. Wliy do birds in their little nests agree ? Because they would fall out if they did not. Perfect with a head, perfect without a head ; perfect with a tail, perfect without a tail ; perfect with either, neither, or both. A wig. What is there about a church-steeple that reminds you of your school exercises ? A parsing bell. When is a bad disposition like fi'jur ? When \x is in- bre(a)d. 28 CONUNDRUMS, When the President pardons a convict, what gram- matical rule does he illustrate ? He puts a period to a sentence. What are the best waterproofs ? Soundings. How may a dead tyrant violate truth ? By lying in state. Why is a dishonest lawyer like a sleepless man ? Be- cause he first lies upon one side, then upon the other, and is wide awake on both sides. Which is at once the warmest and the coldest of gar- ments ? A bare (bear) skin coat. Why is natural philosophy like an income-tax asses- sor ? Because it ascertains the properties of bodies. Why is steam like the President on a journey ? Be- cause it is a moving power. Why is a man just married like the guardian of a lunatic ? Because he has to care for one beside him- self. Did Shakespeare say that the Liverpool river was muddy? Yes; the quality of Mercy (Mersey) is not strained. What belongs to yourself, and is used by everybody more than yourself ? Your name. Why is a beautiful woman in the water a valuable machine ? Because she is a diving belle (bell). What word of five syllables is that of which if you take away one syllable no syllable remains ? Monosyl- lable ; take away mo, and no-syllable remains. Why is love like a potato? Because it springs from the eyes, , ; CO XUX DRUMS. 29 "When is a family worth ten pence? When it has 3 Frank (franc; in it. Why is ^he letter F like death ? Because it makes all, fall. Why are words like cannon ? Because they are the flying artiller}- of thought. When has a man a right to do as he pleases ? When he pleases to do right. Can you tell me what there is not in nature ? Dumb belles. What fruit trees resemble the knights of the oldea time ? Those that cast down gages. Why is a widower like a house in a state of dilapi- dation } Because he should be re-paired. Why should a person engaging in a difficult enter- prise secure a companion named William } Because where there's a will there is a way. Why are two lovers like the two halves of a divided bank note? Because, however widely separated, they always correspond with each other. Why do rich men sing well? Because they hold their notes. What is always behind time ? The back of a watch. Why is a pig's tail like a car\'ing-knife ? Because it is flourished over a ham. When is neuralgia in the face like the ancient money-changers? When it is seated in the temple. If Solomon was the son of David, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah. what relation was Zeruiah to Joab? "Mother, CONUNDRUMS. What is that which makes pretty women and plain women look equally well ? The dark. Why do hens always lay in the day-time ? Because they are roosters at night. To what port is a man bound on the day of his wed- ding? To Havre. What two letters of the alphabet describe a faded loafer? C D. When may two people be said to be half-witted? When they have an understanding between them. Why is a man who marries twice like the captain of a ship ? He has a second mate. Why should people travelling in the Sahara never be hungry ? Because of the sandwiches (sand-which-is) there. How came they there? Because Ham was sent there and his posterity were bread (bred) and mustard there. Why is a sword like the moon ? Because it is the glory of the k-night. Why v/as Queen Elizabeth greater than Napoleon ? One was a wonder and the other a Tudor. Where do we read of the first use of currency? When the dove brought the green back into the ark. What King first made beef-tea ? Henry the Eighth, when he dissolved the Papal Bull. Why is a watch-dog larger at night than in the morning? Because he is let out at night and taken in in the morning. Why is a dead dog's tail like a tree across the road ? Jt stops a wagon. cox UXD RUMS. 31 What becomes of the pins. They fall to the earth and become terra-pins. Why do so many people in China travel on foot? Because there is but one Cochin China (coach in China). Why is the last day of Februar>' like one of Shake- speare's plays } Because it is winter's tail (^Vinter'3 Tale). Why do women love to exercise control ? Because they are not satisfied unless they have husbands to order. Why is it best for all men and women to have but one foot.'' Because it is impossible to tread on one's own toes. When do broken bones begin to make themselves useful ? When they begin to knit. What is maid (made) of money? A young heiress. How would you get a duck for dinner? Jump into the river. Why are all men burglars ? Because, if a woman had as many locks upon her heart as she has upon her head, the cunning rogues would find their way into it. What is the best thing out ? Out of debt. What is the worst thing out ? Out of temper. Why does woman require no eulogy ? Because she speaks for herself. Why is the world like a music-book? Because it is full of flats and sharps. What four-legged animal is always in the water, yet never wet ? A cat in a cataract. 32 . CONUNDRUMS. Why is your personal demeanor like a glass of al» on a frosty morning ? It is more agreeable " with the chill off." When should you hesitate to receive a babe from the arms of its mother ? When it has been " cribbed," and is necessarily stolen property. What did Adam and Eve live on ? On terra firma. What is the difference between an industrious per- son and a lazy one ? The first makes time, the second takes it. Why are fascinating girls like clouds ? Because they reign (rain) upon earth. What feminine title with the prefix " I," is a declara- tion of lunacy ? I mad-am. What river in Bavaria answers, " Who is there ?" Isar. Why are all the hand-organs classic ? Because they are the production of the handle (Handel). When is a man like a little pony ? When he is a little hoarse. What is the proper diet for a dancer } A few capers. If you court a young woman, and you are won, and she is won, what will you become ? One, of course. Why should the male sex avoid the letter A^ Be- cause it make men mean. Why is the letter M like a man who feeds on lish ? Because it makes meals of eels. At what period of your life do you wish for a thou- sand tongues ? When a boy, and you crawl into a molasses barrel. CONUNDRUMS, 33 What is the first thing we find ^ither in town or country? Dust. Why is the letter D like a squealing baby? Because it makes ma mad. When is a soldier not a soldier? When he is in quarters. Why is the letter Y like a young spendthrift ? Be- cause it makes pa pay. What requires more philosophy than taking things as they come ? Parting with things as they go. When may a ship at sea be said not to be on water ? When she is on fire. The greatest curiosity in the world has been found ; what is it ? A woman. What was the first bet ever made ? The alphabet. What kind of business never thrives ? The station- cry business. What kind of clothes should a gymnast wear? Spring clothes. In what way would you operate to make an army fly? By breaking its wings. If a man saw his mother-in-law in prison, what letter would he name ? Letter B. When is a brick a tile ? When it is a projectile. Which British poet could never be a civilized man? Savage. What article of ladies' dress is useful to sportsmen ? Caps. What is the lightest of all garments? A shift of the wind. < 34 CONUNDRUMS. What writer would have been the best angler? Hooker. Why are all men hypocrites ? Because they are always seen in sheep's clothing. Why is the letter A like a lunatic ? Because it's in- sane. Why is sneezing like a waterfall? Because it's a catar(rh)-act. When may a knife in your hand be considered un- der your foot ? When it is ground. Why are all of our milkmen inconsistent ? Because they have the conscience to charge just as much for water in wet w^eather as in dry. Why does the world improve yearly ? Because every year it turns over many new leaves. Why should we be very particular with the front of our house ? Because every man is judged by his gait (gate). Why are the Digger Indians never known to smile ? Because they are grave diggers. Why is it folly to converse with a fish ? Because you never succeed in drawing it out. When does a woman invariably tell the truth? When she is talking of her own age. Why are fools the worst of all thieves ? They rob us of time and temper. . Why does a duck go into the water ? For divers reasons. Why does it come out ? For sun-dry reasons. What is that which by losing an eye has nothing but; ^ nose left ? A noise. CONUNDRUMS. 35 Why should we buy fair, sell fair, and love the fair ? By so doing, you will stand a fair chance of leading a fair life. There is a word of plural number, A foe to peace and human slumber ; Now any word you chance to take, By adding s you plural make ; But if you add an s to this, # How strange the transformation is 1 Plural is plural then no more, And sweet what bitter was before. This foe to peace and human slumbel Is found to just five letters number ; The first is c, the last is s, The others a-r-e as you may guess: Now add another s to these. And you have what will lovers please. The first a host of ills and woes. As every human heart best knows ; The last escaped from Eden's frown. To man, one drop of heaven sent down. What magazine would be likely to give the best re- port of a fire ? A powder magazine. What is the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc? One wac made of Gopher wood and the other Maid of Orleans. He walked on earth, He talked on earthy, He never sinned or evil knew, He never was in heaven or hell, And never can be. Balaam's ass, Num. 22 : 29, 30. When is the best time to read the book of Nature? When spring opens the leaves and autumn turns them. 36 CONUNDRUMS, When was material for malt liquor introduced into the navy ? When the kangaroo went into the Ark with hops and they had a bruin there. Why is love like a canal boat ? It is an internal transport. Beneath the sun a creature once iid dwell, As sacred writers uncontested tell, 'Twas in this world his mortal breath he drew Yet never sinned or moral evil knew, He never can be raised from the dead, Nor at the day of judgment show his head ; Yet in him was a soul that must Exist in hell or dwell among the just. The whale which swallowed Jonah. Why is a dishonest bankrupt like an honest poof man ? Both fail to get rich. What causes the potato rot ? The rot-dXoxy motion of the earth. When were salt provisions introduced into th« navy ? When Noah took Ham into the ark. Why is Satan a gentleman ? Being an imp-of-dark- ness he cannot be imp-o'-lite. Why is a book of conundrums in a dull company like a man inviting a large company and having no one to come ? There is a host put out and not one guest (guessed). What relation is the door to the mat ? It is a .step farther (step-father). When is a sheep like ink ? When you take it in^o the pen. What parts of the body are most useful to carpen- ters ? Nails. 37 Through my first unceasing flow Sounds of mirth aaid sounds of woe ; In my second, newly made, Thousands every year are laid ; In my whole you never jest, Prayers are made and sins confessed. Earnest. What specialty is the most valuable to a nosier ? Hosier}-, of course ; it is his stock in trade. What is the weight of the moon ? Four quarters. Why is a generous, noble-hearted man like a number thirteen shoe? Because he has a large soul (sole). Why is a boiled leg of mutton like a dancing master? Because it is usually associated with capers. What does the letter B do for boys as they advance in years? As they grow older it makes them bolder. Vv^here is the best place to get fat ? At the butcher's. Why is a joke not as durable as a church bell ? Be- cause after it has been told a few times it is worn out. Which is the greatest bet ever madf. ? The alpha- bet. Why are balloons in the air like vagTcMts ? Because they have no visible means of support. AVhat did Adam first set in the garden of Eden ? His foot. How many sides are there to a tree ? Two — the in- side and the outside. What word is that to which if you add a syllable it will be shorter ? Short. What is that which every one wishes tot and yei tries to get rid of ? A good appetite. 38 CONUNDRUMS. Why are potatoes and corn like certain sinners of old? Because having eyes they see not, and having ears they hear not. Which is the strongest day in th:. v>reek ? Sunday— because all the rest are weak days. Of what parts of speech are shop-keepers most anx- ious to dispose ? Articles, Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because it stops at the sound of woe (whoa). Why do sheep resemble fast young men ? Because they curl up and dye. Why is a man hurrying to prevent his daughter Hannah falling over a precipice like one journeying to a city in the South? Because he is going to save Hannah (Savannah). Why is marriage like a tall footman ? Because it is hymeneal (high menial). Why is a man who has studied and practised the art of inlaying with variegated colors, like four letters of the alphabet ? Because he's an enameller (N M L R). If a spirit was observed walking in a small village by moonlight, what character in one of Shakespeare's plays would he represent ? The ghost in Hamlet. Why would a spider appear to have wings ? Because he often takes a fly. Why would you recommend extravagant ladies to young men seeking wives? Because they would make dear wives. If the house were on fire, and the stairs destroyed, how would you get down ? The stairs a-way. COyUXDR VMS. 39 Why have all fruit trees militar}' propensities ? Be cause, when young, they are well trained ; they pro- duce many kernels, and their shoots are ver\' straight. What is that which is too much for one, enough /or two, and nothing for three ? A secret, A -word of three syllables seek till you find, That has in it the twenty-six letters combined. Alphabet. Why are the letters C and S in the word cloves, al- though separated, closely attached ? Because there is love between them. Why is it danc,'erous to health to emigrate to the Black Hills ? Because the rage for gold is an incurable type of yellow fever. Who performs miracles on earth now ? The sculp- tor — because he makes a man out of a block of marble. What is the difference between a goose and an author? A goose has many quills, but an author can make a goose of himself with one quill, How would you give comfort to fat people ? Xo one can think small beer of himself when he is well aware that he is stout. Why are lawyers and doctors safe people by whom to take example ? Because they always practise their professions. Can you tell me what living in suspense means? Working yourself to death to earn a living. How would you avoid drowning ? Keep your head above water. 40 CO.VUNDRUMS, It is said a woman can never keep a secret ; why ? If a woman does not speak her secret with her hps, she is sure to tell them in her letters ; her pen is cer- tain to split. When is a chicken a perfect glutton ? When it takes a peck at a time. Why should we avoid mingling with the multitude? Because the man who was hemmed in by a crowd, has had a stitch in his side ever since. Why are elderly unmarried ladies never envied? Because they are the least enviable of all waiting- maids. When is the sun every man's servant? When it works every day in the year and exacts no pay. In making an estimate of a man or a woman, why should you not take the dress into consideration? 'Tis the value of the blade that you inquire into, not of the scabbard. What is always pointed and with one eye to busi- ness ? A needle. What chemical instrument is like a cutting remark ? The retort. What did Jack Frost say to the lily? Wilt thou, and she wilted. How does a sailor know there is not a man in the moon ? Because he has been to sea (see). Why was " Uncle Tom's Cabin" not written by a ^emale hand ? Because it was written by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher's toe). CONUNDRUMS. 41 \Vhen walking through a field of wheat I picked up something good to eat ; 'Twas neither fish, flesh, fowl or bone ; I kept it until it ran alone. Egg- When is it dangerous to enter a church ? When there is a canon in the reading-desk, and a great gun in the pulpit. What is the difference between reckless speculation and a slice of bacon ? One is a rash thing, the other a rasher. When does a man sit down to a melancholy dessert ? When he sits down to w(hnne and to pine. What animal took the most luggage into the Ark? which took the least? The elephant, who took his trunk, while the fox and the cock had only a brush and comb between them. When is money damp ? When it is due (dew) in the morning and missed (mist) at night. Why is swearing like an old coat ? Because it is a bad habit. Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Be- cause they are stationar}-. A house full, a 3-ard full, and you can't catch a bowl full J what is it? Smoke. Over the water, and under the water, and always with its head down ? A nail in the bottom of a ship. Black within and red without, and four corners round about? A chimney. 42 CONUNDRUMS. What is that which no man ever yet did see, Which never was, and always is to be To-morrow. What is that which every living man hath seen ? But never more will see again, I ween. Yesterday. What is the difference between a pastry-cook and a bill-sticker } One puffs up paste and the other pastes up puffs. The calf, the goose, the bee, the world is ruled by these three; what is the answer.^ Parchment, pens and wax. The land was white, the seed was black ; it will take a good scholar to riddle me thai ? Paper and writing. Why is a nobleman like a book } Because he has a title. Why is a drunken man like a windmill ? Because his head turns round. Of what profession was Adam ? A planter. Why is wine double-faced? Because it is first a friend, then an enemy. When is a pig like peas in a garden ? When it re- quires sticking. Wl^ isn't a widow like a spoilt child ? Because she don't get what she cries for. Why is a good cook like a student of philosophy ? Because she has long been accustomed to fry her Cfriar) bacon. COXUXDR UMS. 43 Which is the laziest class of people? Tall people; because they are always longer in bed than others. '\Vhy is an industrious tailor never at home? Be- caust he is always cutting out. What is the difference between a clock and a wo- man ? A clock points out hours, and a woman makes us forget them. Can you give tne an illustration of the force of a be- reft woman ? A man broke into the house of a widow . she pitched him out-of-doors — a striking evidence of the power of the wido^v's might. Why should a little man never marn,' a bouncing widow ? Because he wculd be called the widow's mite. What kind of sweetmeats did they have in the Ark ? Preserved pears. Who was the first whistler and what was his tune? The wind, when he whistled " Over the Hills and Far Away." Why is a spider a good correspondent ? Because he drops a line by every post. If you suddenl}' saw a house on fire, what three cele- brated authors would you feel inclined to name ? Dickens, Howitt, Burns (Dickens! how it burns;! In what color should a secret be kept ? Inviolate (in violet). In case of an accident, what is better than presence of mind ? Absence of body. 44 CON UNDR UMS. Why should tailor's children be boiled? Because their pa snips (parsnips). Why is a lover's heart like a sea serpent ? Bec-iuse it is a secreter (sea creature) of great sighs (size) What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, a man with a bald head, an orphan, and a gorilla? The Prince of Wales is an heir apparent, a man with a bald head has no hair apparent, and an orphan has ne'er a parent, and a gorilla has a hairy parent. When is a young man of the greatest use at a supper party ? When he is a spoon. Why is avarice like a bad memory ? Because it i& always forgetting. A feeling all persons detest, Although 'tis by every one felt, By two letters fully expressed, By twice two invariably spelt. Envy (N V). Which is easier to spell — fiddle-de-de or fiddle-de dum ? The former, because it is spelt with more e's. What is the difference between a photographer and «rhooping-cough ? The one makes fac-similes, the other sick families. What musical instrument should we never believe ? A. lyre. Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy ? Because there are three scruples to a dram. What death dot $ s barber die ? He curls up and CONUXDR VMS. 45 What is that which we all eat and drink, though it ^- sometimes a woman and sometimes a man? A to^t. "^^"hxt is that which goes from London to York with- out movng? The road. Why is y^ur nose and chin always at variance ? Be- cause words a^A constantly passing between. What dot; man love more than hfe, Hate more t,an death or mortal strife, That which co»tented men desire, The poor have, t^e rich require, The miser spends, ft,e spendthrift saves, And all men earn,' to their graves ? Nothing. How do you swallow a door? Bolt it. What is that which is often brought to table, often cut, but never eaten ? A pack of cards. What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its root upward ? An icicle. Which is the queen of the roses, and why? The nose of the watering-pot, because it rains (reigns) over them all. Why are railways like laundresses ? Because they have ironed all England and have occasionally done a little mangling. From a number that's odd cut off the head. It then will even be ; Its tail, I pray, take nest away Your mother then fou'U set. SEVEN, 4^ CONUNDRUMS. Why is ambition like a weather-cock? Because V is a vain and glittering thing to a-spire. Which is the most difficult train to catch? The 12.50, because it is ten to one if you catch it. If a farmer asked a barber the difTerer^^ in their trades, how could he answer in a word of f^i^^ syllables ? You till, I tie (utility). Why is an industrious girl like a ^ery aged woman ? Because both are notable (not p-^le). Why is catnip like a mous^^ Because the cat will eat it. When is a fow.^ii nect like a bell ? When it is wrung (rung). Why is Ireland like a bottle of wine ? Because it has a Cork in it. What is that, though blind itself, guides the t)lind ? A staff or stick. When is a window like a star ? When it is a sky- light. What is an eel like when lying on a gravel path ? t-ike a fish out of water. When is a lady's cheek not a cheek ? When it is a kittle pale (pail). What smells most in a chemist's shop? The nose. If a poker, shovel and tongs cost a dollar, what will a ton of Lehigh coal come to ? Ashes. COXUXDI^UMS. 47 Why is an undertaker like a skinflint ? Because he s always screwing people down. "^'hy are shirt-makers like life-exiles in Siberia? Becaug ^]^Qy both work fcr bare life. Why i^-i drunkard's mouth water-proof? Because no water ev.^. enters there. What shoulai^e ^he aim in life for all model young men? To be abk to chime in and ring a bell (belle). Why should Doxoi^g^^ be the name of the last boy in every family ? Because it is the last of the hims. Why did Joseph's bretsren put him in the pit? Because there was no room fc^ him in the family circle. When is a man not a man ? When he is a littla horse (hoarse). What is the most frequent fare-weli performance? A good meal. Can you tell me the meaning of the Academy of De- sign? A young ladies' boarding-school. Can you tell me what is a ver}^ unsatisfactor\^ sort of bread? The roll of time. Tell me how to make a tall man short. Try to bor' row five dollars of him. As you are very dressy, tell me what kind of suits last longer than you want ? Law suits. Why is a blackleg superior to a man who is superior to him? Because he's a better. 48 CONUNDRUMS, Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good man- ager ? Because he makes both ends meet. What word contains all the vowels, and ir proper order? Facetious. An old woman in a red cloak was crossi-a ^ ^^^^ which a goat was feeding. What stranr-: transforma- tion suddenly took place ? The goat t'^'"^^ t)"^^ and the woman became a " scarlet " How many insects does it tak-^ to make a landlord? Ten ants. Why would an owl be o^ended if you called him a pheasant? Because yo» would be making game oi him. Formed long ago, yet made to-day, I'm piost in use when others sleep ; WAat few would like to give away, And none would like to keep, A bed. What is that of which the common sort is the best ? Sense. Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat ? To keep a check upon his stomach. Why is an accepted suitor like a person guilty of a crime ? Because he ought to be transported. What is that which never asks any questions and yet requires many answers ? The door-bell. What is that that has neither flesh nor bone, and yet has four fingers and a thumb ? A glove. CONUNDRUMS. 49 Three feet I have, but ne'er attempt to go, And many nails thereon, but not one toe. A yard measure. TThy is a retired milkman like the whale that swal- lowed Jonah ? Becaiise he took the profit (prophet) out of the water. "Why do fisherm^.n possess extraordinary medical powers ? Because they cure dead fish. Upon what musical instrument are most High Church people skilful performers? Cymbals (sym- bols). Why is an Irishman mending his clothes like a rich man ? Because he is making up his rents. My first makes company ; My second shuns company ; My third assembles company; My whole puzzles a company. Co-nun-drum. "Why is a chimney-sweep the happiest man alive } Because he is well sooted. How would you express in one word having met a doctor of medicine ? Met-a-physician. "Why are teeth like verbs ? Because they are regular, irregular, and defective. 'Tis true I have both face and hands, And move before your eyes ; Yet when I go my body stax is, And when I stand I lie. Clock. 50 CONUNDRUMS, I'm strangely capricious, I'm sour and I'm sweet, To housewives I'bi useful, to children a treat ; I freely confess I more mischief have done, Than anything else that is under the sun. An apple. Why are Queen Victoria's poultry quarrelsome ? Because they are Vic's hens (vixens)- With what two animals do you always go to bed ? Two calves. I'm the offspring of shame, by modesty bred, I'm the symbol of virtue and vice ; Neither written nor printed, yet constantly red ; A critic discerning and nice. I'm a marplot, and terribly self-willed witnal, I'm not to be argued or tasked : And although I obey not a positive call, I come when not wanted or asked. A blush. Why is a drunkard, hesitating to sign the pledge, like a skeptical Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up the worship of his jug or not (Jug- gernaut). If an awkward fellow upsets your best tea-service what flower does he remind you of? China-a-stir (China aster). Why is ill-temper like the letter G ? Because it's al- ways in a rr ge. If it were possible for a single lady to be a man- hater, what would be her most appropriate name? Miss-an-thrope. RIDDLES. When may the Etliiopian be said to change his color? —When he proves an unlucky wight (white). Where are balls and routs supplied gratis? — On the field of battle. In what class of men arc the finite propensities of human nature the most fully developed? — In the aero- nauts; they have reached a fine height. Why is a clock always bashful? — Because its hands are ever before its face. What parts of speech are shopkeepers most anxious to sell? — Articles. Why are persons fatigued like a wheel? — Because they are tired. When is a penniless state of things the cause of joy in a poor man's family? — When bread is a penny -less per loaf. Why is a tradesman who keeps enlarging his stock like a reptile? — He's an adder. Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? — They want carrying out. 52 RIDDLES. When is coffee like the soil? — When it is ground. When is a punster most like an outlaw? — When he is BOBBING Hood (Robin Hood). Why is a woman deformed when she is mending her stockings ! — Because her hands are where her feet ought to be. When is an artist like a cook? — When he is drawing a little duck. ¥^hat is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? — The multiplication table. When may a man be said to be truly in advance of his age? — When he's knocked into the middle of next week. If you stumble over your new mat in the passage, what science are you shown to have neglected? — Pneu- matics. When is a ship like a lady in distress? — When missing STATS or when she's a whaler (waller). Why is a man in pecuniary difficulties like an ostrich in wfct weather? — Because he cannot get the dust to cover his bill. What is the difference between photography and the whooping cough? — One makes fac-similes, and the other SICK families. What heavenly thing and what earthly thing does a rainy day most affect? — The sun and your boots; it takes the shd^e: out of both. RIDDLES. 53 Why is a bad hat like a snarling, fierce lap-dog? — ^Be- cause ITS nap's (it snajDs) awful I What things increase the more you contract them? — Debts. ^Thy are corsets like opposition omnibuses? — Because they reduce the fair (fare). When does a black and tan dog change color? — Whea it turns to bay. Why do the rich only eat venison? — Because it is DEAR (deer). Why is it easy to break into an old m;m*s house? — Eis GAIT is broken and his locks are few. When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurt- ing it? — When he folds it. "\'\Tiy do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is impossible for a man to serve two-masters well. Why is pending a donkey to graze like going up a hill? — It is an ass sent (ascent). Wny is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? — Be- cause he has such winning Vy'ays. What is that which xVdam, only of all mankind, never saw and never possessed? — Parents. 'VYhen is a kiss like rumor? — Whea it goes from mouth to mouth. 54 RIDDLES. I Why does the sun rise in the east? — Because the (y)east makes everything rise. Why is a baker a most improvident man? — He is al- ways selling what he kneads (needs) himself. Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? — Because it's the end of pork. Why is a thought like the sea? — Because it's A notion (an ocean). At what time of the day was Adam born? — A little before Eve. Why is a newspaper like an army? — ^Because it has LEADEKS, COLUMNS, and REVIEWS. Why is cold weather productive of benevolence? — ^be- cause it makes people put their hands in their pockets. Why can an Irish servant answer two questions in the same words? — When you ask her, ''Biddy, what is it o'clock?" and ""Where's the cold mutton?" and she re- plies, "Sure, Sur, it's eight " (ate). What is the best time for sowing tares? — When you go round and collect your rents. Why don't horses wear hats? — Because it would give them a hos-tile appearance. What animal has the most brains? — The hog, because he has got a HOGS-head full of them. Why is a woman living up two pair of stairs like a, goddess? — Because she is a second Flora (floorer). RIDDLES. 55 ■\Vliy do men aboui to fight a duel generally choose a FIELD for the place of action? — For the purpose of allowing the ball to geaze. Why is it reasonable to suppose that tight-rope dan- cers are great favorites with the public? — Because their performance is always encored (on cord). What is the difference between an Emperor and a beggar? — The one issues manifestoes, and the other MANIFESTS TOES without HIS SHOES. When may a man be said to imbibe music? — When he has a piANO-FOR tea (pianoforte). When does a man contrive to move in a very small space? — When he comes down stairs in his slippeiis. Wlien docs a sculptor explode in strong convulsions? — When he makes faces and busts. What tree bears the most fruit to market? — The axle tree. When docs a ship become a horseman? — When it rides at anchor. Why is a vulgar row like railway traveling? — Because it's LOW COMMOTION (locomotion). Why is a lawyer like a sawyer? — Whichever way he goes, down must come the dust. What great Scotsman would you name if a footman knocked at the door? — John Knox. Why is a negative like frozen rainf — Because it's no. $6 RIDDLES, Why is a ten-cent piece like a cow? — It has a head, and a tail, and two sides. Why are horses in cold weather like meddlesome gossips? — Because they are the bearers of idle tails. Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig? — Because it is done with the pen. Why is a clear, frosty night like the hot summer day? — Because it's the best time for s Being the grate BARE (Great Bear). If you pull a dog's tail, why is that like your tea- caddy? — Because you're teaslng it (your tea's in it). "WTiy is a newly -born baby like a gale of wind? — Because it begins with a squall. V/hy is a prisoner on his trial like a criminal hang- ing?— Because he's in a state of suspense. Why does a young man injure his stature by encour- aging the growth of his beard? — Because then he begins to grow DOWN. Which is the most hearty gentleman? — Sir-loin. The most positive gentleman? — Cer-tain. The most suspicious gentleman? — Surmise. The most cowardly gentleman? — Sur-render. Why is a union of political parties like gas-tar? — Because it's coalescehtce (coal essence). Why does a puss purr? — For an obvious purr pusb. RIDDLES. 57 If a tree were to hrcak a window, what would the window say? — Tre-mendous. Why do white gheep eat more than black ones? — Because there are more of them ! Why is a handsome girl like an excellent mirror? — She's a GOOD LOOKING LASS. When docs the lark turn carpontor? — When he soars (saws) ACROSS THE WOODS AND FORESTS. Why are seeds after being sown like gate-posts? — Because they are planted in the earth in order to prop- A-GATE. When are ladies in winter like old kettles? — When they are very much furred. What faction is it desirable to have always predomi- nant? — Satis-FACTION. When you put on your slipper, why do you always make a mistake? — Because you put your foot in it. What most effectually checks a fast man? — A bridal (bridle;. What proves sailors to be very careless? — They are in a ''mess " every day at sea. What are the best trees to protect a house from winter storms? — Firs (furs). Why is a country bumpkin termed raw? — Because he cannot be said to be well pressed. 58 RIDDLES. Why is John Smith like a badly-cooked cake? — Bo- cause he isn't Brown. When is a horse like a schoolboy? — ^When he knows HIS (S) TABLE. How should love come to the door? — With a ring but not without a rap (wrap). What is the difference between a funny fellow and a butcher? — One deals in wit, and the other in wit-tlesI What relation is the door-mat to the scraper? — A step- father (farther). If a cab is hired by a woman who has seen better days," why may the cabman be said to lose? — He has a BEDUCED pare (fair). Why does a sailor know there is a man in the moon? — Because he has been to sea (see). Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in Europe? — Because it's always on the Spree (the river so called). Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a money- broker? — Because no man has furnished so many stock QUOTATIONS. Why is a horse the most miserable of animals? — His thoughts are always on the rack. What money brings the most substantial interest? — Matri-mony. What is that which everyone can divide, but cannot 0§e where it has b^en divided? — Water. RIDDLES. 5^ When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business? — Wlien he's giving a swimming lesson. Why is the best article of malt liquor like the last piece of music in a concei't programme? — Because it's the FINE ALE (finale). If a man bumped his head against the top of a room, what article of stationery would he get? — Ceiling WHACKS (sealing-wax). Why is a pig with a curly continuation like the ghost of Hamlet's father? — Because he "could a tale unfold.'* Why is a fishmonger never generous? — Beoause his business makes him selfish (sell fish). What is the difference between one who walks and one who looks up-stairs? — One steps up stairs and the other stares up steps. What instrument of war does an angry lover re- semble? — A CROSS-BOW. When are culprits like old books? — When bound over. When is an arm as long as three feet? — When it's a YARD-arm. How does the most punctual payer incur debt? — By sleeping on "tick." When can a man have something and nothing in his pocket at the same time? — When his pocket has a large hole in it. 6o MIDDLES, What part of a shop is exactly like every other part? — The counter-part. Why should potatoes grow better than any other 'cgetable? — Because they have eyes to see what they re doing. Why is a man who has fallen off a tree, and is deter- lined to go up again like a man emigrating? — He is going to try another climb (clime). What is the difference between a baldheaded man and an angler with only two "flies?" — One has a bare pate; the other a pair bait ! Why are oranges like church-bells? — Because we have peals from them. When are we most likely to find the sky blue? — The nearer wx go to the milky way. Why is the figure nine like a peacock? — Because it's nothing without its tail. If we see a lady with her hair in ringlets, why may we conclude that her head really contains some- thing valuable? — Because it is so well guarded with locks. Why are chickens' necks like door-bells? — Because they are often wrung for company. Why are young ladies' affections always doubted?— ^ Because they are misgivings. Why is the root of the tongue like a detected man?— Because it's down in the mouth. RIDDLES. 6i Why is a selfish friend like the letter P? — Though first in pity, he is the lust in help. Why is a dull and plausible man like an unrifled gun? — Because he is a smooth bore. When are tailors and house-agents in the same busi- ness?— When they gather the rents. Why is the camel the most irascible animal in the world?— Because he always has his back up. Why are young ladies at the breaking up of a party like arrows? — Because they cannot go off without bea.ux, and are in a quiver until they get theuk What is the dilTerence between a man and a chicken? Man has his eternity m the next world, and the chicks have their necks twirled in this. What piece of carpentry becomes a gOi^ hs soon as it is finished? — A-gate. Why is the world like a piano? — Becaus. is full of sharps and flats. On what grounds may confectioners be c*»^led very mercenary lovers? — Because they sell their " k^sivs." What bar is that which often opens but never "y^-'Uts?-^ Crowbar. Wliat is the most suitable dower for a wi(!"^w?— . Wi-dower. Why is Asia like a market in Christmas week? 'Be« cause there is always a Turkey in it. 62 RIDDLES. Wty is an infant like a diamond? — Because it is a ''dear little thing." What is the count on which you always lose? — ^Dis- count. Why is a dwarf unlike the rest of mankind? — Because he can never wear a great coat nor lie long in bed. Why are the tallest people the laziest? — Because they are longer in bed than others. Why is sympathy like blindman's buff? — Because it is feeling for our fellow creatures. Why is a division in Congress like the influenza? — Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and some- times the NOES (nose). When does a man turn fluid into metal? — When he makes inquiry (ink wiry). Why is a bee-hive like a bad potato? — Because a bee- hive is a BEE-HOLDER, and a beholder is a spectator, and a spect-tater is a bad potato. Why doth a dog waggle hith tail? — Give it up? — think motht fellahs will give that up! You see the dog waggles hith tail becauth the dog'th stwonger than the tail. If he wath'nt, the tail would waggle the dog I What part of an old lady's attire most resembles a solitary person? — Her mitts (hermits). What represents company, avoids company, and callB company ? — Co-nun-drum. RIDDLES. 63 WliY are pancakes like umbrellas? — Because they are rarely seen after le^tt. Wlien are true words sweet words? — "VTlien th.ey are CA^^DiED (candid;. TThen is a clock on the stairs dangerous? — AYh.en it Ruxs T)Q\>^ and strikes oxe. Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? — Because he is continually on the strike FOE WA&ES. What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog? — One is assaulting with intent to kill, and the other a killing with intent to salt. 'When is a lady's chair like a lady's dress? — When it is SAT-IX. Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? — They are two tonics (Teutonics). When is a soldier not half a soldier? — When he's m qtartees. What cardinal virtue does water represent when fro- z-en ? — Just-ice. What port is sought by every living creature? — Sup- port. Why is the bridegroom more expensive than the bride? — The bride is always given away, while the bridegroom is often sold. 64 RIDDLES. Why are authors who treat of physiognomy like sol- diers? — They write about face. What is both food for the body and food for the mind? — Bacon (Bacon, the philosopher). What word may be pronounced quicker by adding a syllable to it? — Quick-er. Why is a military officer's position a paradox? — Be- cause, although he may never get into disgrace, he is sure to get into a mess. What is that which we often catch hold of and yet njever see? — A passing remark. When is a gun like a dismissed servant? — When it is DISCHARGED and GOES OFF. Why is a butcher's cart like his top-boots? — Because he carries his calves there. When does a farmer act with great rudeness towards his corn? — When he pulls its ears. Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough- bred horse? — He's a perfect brute. Why is a man after a long journey like a coach- wheel? — Because he's tired. Why is first love like a potato? — Because it shoots from the EYES, and becomes all the less by paring. What is the best line to lead a woman with? — Mascu- lilNE. What is the most ocular punishment? — Eye-lashes. RIDDLES. 65 Why is a woman who has eaten a meat pie containing more fat than one she had previously partaken of, like one of the most popular artistes on the stage? — Be- cause she's HAD A LEANER PATTY (Adclina Patti). Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe? — Because it once had a Solon (sole on). Why is rheumatism like a great eater? — Because it at- tacks the joints. Why does a coat get larger when taken out of a car- pet-bag? — Because when taken out you find it in- creases. Why is a lover like a knocker? — Because he is bound to ADORE (a door). Which is the most noticeable pair of " tights?" — Two drunkards. What is the most "engaging" work of art? — A faslv- ionable young lady, Which is the most favorite word with women? — The last one. Why is a proclamation like eight drachms? — Becaustf it AN OUNCE IS (announces). Why is a horse constantly ridden but seldom fed not likely to be in want of food? — Because he has always got a bit in his mouth. Why are sheep in a fold like a letter? — Because they are penned, 66 RIDDLES. Why is Newcastle coal like true love? — Because it al- ways burns v^ith a steady flame. Why should a baker be considered a poor man? — Be- cause he is always kneading (needing) bread. Why ought the stars be the best astronomers? — Be- cause they have studded the heavens since the creation of the world. Why is a cabbage run to seed like a lover? — Because it has lost its heart. Why did a fat fellow who was very much squeezed going into the opera-house become very complimentary to the ladies? — Because the pressure made him flatter. Which are the most vain (vein) people? — Miners. When is a lamplighter like a cowardly soldier? — When he runs away from his post. Why are coopers like musical composers? — Because they are used to staves. Why are lovers like apples? — Because they are often paired. Why is a ''girl of the period" like a careful house- wife? — She makes her waist as little as she can. Why is an insolent fishmonger likely to get more business than a civil one? — Because when he sells fish he gives sauce with it Why is a coachman like a lover? — Because he is ^- ways desirous of being remembered by his fare. RIDDLES. 67 "yVliy is an editor's room with, a big fire in it like a baker's oven? — Because it is there he makes his bread. T\'h.at letter Trould be of more service to a deaf •woman than an ear trumpet? — A, because it would make hek hear. Of all Portune's daughters, vrhicli one sh.ould a smart young man avoid.' — Mis-fortune. What tune can be made out of bank xotes? — A for- TrixE. "Wh-T can a S^h. see to swim in the dark? — Because he carries tT>-o pair 0" ri:->s Qjaramn^; vv'ith Mm. YtTiy do annually flowering plants resemble wlialcs? — Because they only ccme up to blow. Why is a blade of grass like a bill of excliangc? — Be- cause it is matui'ed by a farLirj dew (due). "Why is a drunken m.ar} rlke a noun adjective? — He seldom stands alone. "Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy? — There are three scretles to a draclim (dram). Why is a blacksmith's apron like the gates of a con- vent? — It keeps oft the sparks. Why is a schoolboy vrho has just began to read like knowledge itself? — He is LEAR^axG. On what toe does a corn never come? — The mistle- toe. 68 RIDDLES, Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? — Because they make the butter-fly. "Why does a stage driver seem fonder of grief than any other man? — Because he is always crying to his horses, "Wo! — wo!" Why is a newspaper like the blood of a healthful man? — Yery much depends on the circulation. When does a dog become larger and smaller? — When he's LET OUT at night and taken in in the morning. Why are ladies who paint fond of literature? — Be- cause they are well red (read). Why is whispering a breach of good manners? — Be- cause it's not ALOUD (allowed). Why is love like a canal boat? — Because it's an inter- nal transport. Why should a clergyman wear well-fitting clothes? — Because he should never be a man of loose habits. What is most like a man looking out of a carriage? — A man looking in. What is most likely to become a woman? — A little girl. Why is a fool in high station like a man in a balloon? Because everybody appears little to him and he appear! little to everybody. Why does a railway ticket agent cut a hole in your ticket? — To let you pass through. MDDLES. 6q The snuggest fort in the world? — CoM-fort, V»*hy is a very ugly female a v^-onderful vroman? — Because she's an EXT^.A-OEDl^''AP.Y one. ^Miy is a conductor of music like the telegraph? —Because he beats time. On vrhat day in the year do women talk the least? —The shortest day. "What changes black and white at once? — A book, when it is ez ( aj d all through. "^Vhy are some women like facts? — Because they are stubborn things. ^Vhen is a chimney like a chicken? — "^Vhen it is a little FoiTL (fowl). What is a lamp-post with its lamp taken away? — A lamp-lighter. ■\^Tiat when the lamp is lit? — Light-headed. "What three letters turns a girl in a woman? — A G E. V.liat animal would be likely to devour a near re- lation? — The A^'TEATER ('the aunt eater). VThy is a vain youncf lady like a confirmed tipj^ler? -Because neither of them is satisfied with the moderate use of the glass. AVhy are washerwomen silly people? — Because they put out their tubs to catch soft water when it rains HABD. 70 RIDDLES. Why is a lady's chignon like an historical romance?— It is fiction founded upon fact. Why is a man with a scolding wife like a florist? — Be- cause he has a hot-house. Why is an ill-fed dog like a philosopher? — Because he is a thin cur (thinker). At what point does the army enter hostile cities? — At the point of the bayonet. Which of your parents is your nearest relation? — Your mother, of course. Is not the other farther? On what food should a prize-fighter train? — Mussels. How can it be proved that a horse has six legs? — He has FORE legs in front and two behind. When is a young man the greatest use a't a supper party? — When he's a spoon. Why are pawnbrokers like sisters of mercy? Because they take great interest in serving the poor. Why is a man's pastor really and truly his brother? — He is his parson (pa's son). When may a man call his wife "honey?" When she has a large comb in her head. Which has the greatest amount of animal heat : the beaver or the otter? — The (!i)otter of the two. What gate should wear a moustache? — A hairy (area) gate. RIDDLES. 71 Wlien are two apples alike? — When they're paeed paired;. VrtiaT is the diliereiice between an auction and sea- sickness? — One is a SALE OF EFFECTS : the other is the "EFFECTS OF A SAIL. AVhy is a colt like an egg? — Because it's of no use till it's broken. "VThy IS a bad epigram like a useless pencil? — Because it has no point. AYhen is water like fat?— When it's deippen-g. TMiy is a bed-cover like a blister? — Because it's a counter-PA^■'E :pain;. "When is a nosegay literary? — ^Mien it's a book — eh I (bouquet ). "What sweetmeat do you get by slamming a door on your fingers ? — -Jam. "Why is a tale-bearer like a bricklayer? — Because he EAISES STOKIES. "Why are the fixed stars like old rakes? — Because they sci2rTrLLATE 1 slu till late). "Why may carpenters believe there is no such thing a3 stone? — Because they never saw it. "Why would tying a slow horse to a post seem to im- prove his pace? — Because it would make him fast. Why does wit resemble a Chinese lady's foot? — Be- cause brevity is the soul i_sole) of vvi.t. 72 RIDDLES. Y/hat celebrated poem ought a clown to quote when driving six donkey^? — Wordsworth's ^'\Ye are seven." What is the difference between a blunder and a wed- ding?— One is a mis-take and the other a take Miss. When does a man get the cheapest bread? — When he /las a roll down stairs. Why is a ropemaker like a poet? — Because he makes lines. Why is a gun like a jury? — Because it goes off when discharged. Why is a busy tailor said never to be at home? — Be- cause he is often cutting out. What tradesman never turns to the left? — A wheel- WRIGHT. Why is coffee like a blunt razor? — Because it must be ground before it is used. What color are the waves and winds? — The waves ROSS and the winds blew (blue). Where can happiness always be found? — In the dic- tionary. When is a baby not a baby? — When it is a tea thing (teething). Why is a dog's tail like the pith of a tree? — Because it is farthest from the bark. Why is the letter C the most noisy of letters? — Bo- cause it begins all clamor. RIDDLES. 73 Why is a comet more like a dog than the dog-star? — Because a comet has got a tail, and the dog-star hasn't. TThy should tlie poet have expected the woodman to spire that tree?"" — Because he thought he v^-as a good FELLEi (fellow). ^That the most deceiving age? — The SAUS-age. What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting] — To find a little gal a:sd try (gallantry). When a tree is felled why has it no right to com- plain? — Because it was axed vrhether it would or not. What ship carries more passengers than the Great Eastern? — Court-shi|v. Why are ladies like churches? — Because there is n© LIVING without them. What belongs to yourself and is used by your friends more than by yourself? — Your name. AVhat flowers should ladies resemble and what flowers should they not resemble? — They should be roses, but not prim-roses. tVhat animal has death no effect upon? — A jiig. be- cause when you have killed him you can cuee him and gave his bacon. Why are washerwomen great travelers? — Because they are continually crossing the line and running fror:; pole to pole. Spell brandy with three letters. — B. R, and Y. 74 RIDDLES. Why are the assertions, ''I sell apples," and 1 sell no apples" both alike? — Because there is no difference. When does a bather capture a large bird? — When ha takes a "duck" in the water. Why is a chimney-sweep bearing a certain crmmon name like a farrier? — He's a black-" Smith." Why is beef suitable for a Christmas diiiner? — Be- cause it is meat (meet) for rejoicing. Why should a farmer object to a a political disturb- ance? — Because he would see the rye attacked (riot- act). Why are good singers like cheese curds? — Because they require to be pressed. Why are your nose and chin at variance continually? ' — Because words are constantly passing between them. When can you see through a hypocrite? — When he has a PANE (pain) in his head. Why are the poor of Ireland like a carpet? — Because they are kept down by tax (tacks). What are the best kinds of money? — Readymoney and matrimony. Why is a trick of legerdemain like declining an offer of marriage? — Because it is a slight of hand. When is your tooth not a tooth? — When it's a-KiNa (aching). RIDDLES. 75 "Wlien is a nosegay a fish.? — "When it's 5:NnnLT. "Wh-Y is a speaker who diverges from his subject like a huio;manr — He turns off the subject. ^Vii'sis the alphabet like the mail? — Because it con- sists of XETTERS. Wliy artrrioves unsalable articles? — Because they are made to be kept on hand. Wliy is siste- Emma reducing a nutmeg to powder like sister Faniv on board a ve-sel bound for Xew ZealaadJ — Becaus-^ ske is Eai^ia-CtEath^Ct i^emigratingj. "VThat moral lessos. does a Aveathercock teack? — It is YANT: to A SPIRE. "Wliy are there, strictl; speaking, only 325 days in the year? — Because -iO of theu are lext lEent; and never returned. VThy is a horse the most niserable creature in exist- ence? — Because his head is ofte^i on the rack, and his greatest comfort is vthoa (vroej. "VThat is a trout like, lying on a gravel-patk? — Like a fish out of water 1 AMiat fruit does a newly married couple most re- semble? — A green pear (pair i. TThy is life like this riddle? — Because you must give it np. "Why does a man sneeze three times? — Because he can- sot help it, 76 RIDDLES. What is the difference between a milkmaid and * swallow? — One skims the milk, and the other skims water. What ties two people together, yet touches o^ly one? — A WEDDING KING. Why is a man who has pulled on a pair of close-fitting boots like Jupiter? — Because he has conquered the tight'uns (Titans). On what side of a house does th^ yew tree grow? — The outside. Why is water in a filter like th^ fortune of a spend- thrift?— Because it is soon run through, and leaves many matters behind to settl-^^. What can't a dumb man crack?— A joke. Why is the sun like people of fashion?— It turns night into day. Why is a person with his eyes closed like a defective schoolmaster? — He teeps his pupils in darkness. Why is the wici: of a candle like the city of Athens? lit is in the midst of grease (Greece). Why is an axe like coffee? — It must be ground before it can be used. Why is a dog biting his tail like a good economist? — Because he makes both ends meet. Why are a fop's legs like some organ-grinders? — Be- cause they carry a monkey about the streets. RIDDLES. 77 Wliere did the executioner of Charles the First dine, \nd what did he take?— He took a chop at the King's ^ y is necessity like an ignorant solicitor?— Because It kno law. Why is a rhinoceros Tike a moderate tippler?— Be- cause he's ontent with a single horn. Why is an Sonest man like a carpenter? — Because he is a PLAIN deaip^ What smells mgt in a chemist's shop?— The nose. Why is a parson tithing in the river in Paris like a madman? — He is in hj^iNS (insane). Why may architects accounted sluggards?— They are partial to the pillar pillow). Why is snuff like a pair of spectacles? — Because it improves the eyesight. Why are bad servants like th> waves of the sea on a lee shore? — They are great breakers. Why does a spoon reclining in a tup of tea resemble a handsome young lady? — Because it'^ in tea resting (interesting). Who may marry many a wife and yet live single all his life? — A clergyman. When is a pugilist like an animal with four hands?—- When he doubles his fists. 78 RIDDLES. Why does a donkey prefer thistles to corn?— Becaup he's AN ASS. Why was Hamlet so courf^geons in addressip father's ghost?— Because he was not particu^^ ^ SHADE. Why is a solar eclipse like a woman w^ippi^g ^er boy? — Because it's a hiding of the sun. When do butchers rob themselves? ^^en they steel (steal) their own knives. Why is a man that fails in kissin^a lady like a ship- wrecked fisherman? — Because he -^^ lost his smack. Why should a man never ^arry a woman named Ellen? — Because by so doin^ rings his own (K) NELL. When would iron do to^ake sausages of? — When it is PiG-iron. Why is it that ladie^ are so changeable with respect to their sweetheart? — They are always wishing to altar (alter) them Why is an intfresting book like a toper's nose? — Be- cause it is rea:> (red) to the very end. Why is a quiet conscience like a fit of indigestion?— It is the fruit of good living. What makes everybody sick but those who swallow it?— Flattery. What is most Uka a horse's shoe ?— A mare's shoe< RIDDLES, 79 ^MiT is a postman in danger of losing his way? — Be- ^^>e lie is guided by the direction of strangers. "^^ -^-h newspapers are like delicate children? — All those ti.^ weekly (weakly\ tallow-chandler easily cool himself in the heignt of ^w^nierr — He can always have a dip on a meltmg day. VThy IS the ov,.i.-^^^-]_ ^^-^ jj^]^^ ^ carrot? — Because its root I route"/ is a Icq- one. TVhen is a baggag^^-^gon like a forest?— TVhen it is full of trunks. ^y is a nervous lau- lii^e a policeman?— Because her mind is filled with ap^ehensions. TThat young ladies are mo^ Hkelv to become thieves? —Those who take to steel (ste^p, buttons. (ioes a duck go undvp ^vate^?— For divers (diver'sj reasons. ^Vhy does she come up out of lu^ water?- For sun dry reasons. What is that which nobody likes to hav? or to lose?— A lawsuit. How can a boy make his jacket last ?— By m-^king his coat and vest. ^en is leather like rust?— TVhen it's an ox hide (oxidej, 8o MIDDLES, Why was the sculptor Power a great swindler? — P' cause he chiselled the Greek slave out of her clothe What are the best fields for dancing in?— fields. Why is a whisper like a forged note? — J uttered but not allowed (aloud). Why is a sharp lawyer like a man wV cannot sleep? —He lies first on one side, and then other; and is wide awake all the time. How is punctuality immateria- — 1^ ^^^^ business. "Why is lying like a ragged ^oat?— It is a bad habit. Why is absence like a pa^" of bellows?— It strength- ens a strong flame and ex^nguishes a weak one. What is less than a -kite's mouth?— That which goes in it. When is love deformed?— When it's all on one side. How many wi-^s does the marriage service allow?— Sixteen, four (lor) better, four (for) worse, four (for) richer, four {fox) poorer! When miy a ship at sea be said not to be on water? — When she is on fire. W2iy is a cigar-loving man exactly like a tallow candle?— Because he will smoke when he is going out. WJien ia a ship not a ship?— TVTien she is a-building. RIDDLES. 8i Why is an almanac simply advice thrown away? — Be- cause it comes ra at one year (ear) and goes out at the other. Why may elephants be considered instrumental to the ruin of many families? — Because their teeth make dice. Why is the alphabet like the mail? — Because it con- sists of letters. Why is a young lady who has deserted her lorer like an arrow just shot off? — Because she has left her beau (bow). Why is a man knocking at a door like the instrument which he uses to demand admittance? — Because he is a KKOCitEK at the door. "WHiy are park railings like a lady's corset? — Because they confine a little deer (dear). Why is a weak crutch like a candlestick?— Because it is a LIGHT supporter. Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon?— Be- cause it makes a report. "VMiy is an advertising tradesman like a man out of breath? — Because he puffs. "\Yhen is a bill like an old, repaired chair?— When it is receipted (re-seated). What animals are the greatest gamblers? — Sheep. Because they gambol in their youth, and the best ©f them are black legs. 82 RIDDLES. If a tough beef-steak could spenk what English poet would it name? — Chaucer (Chaw, Sir). What is that which never flies but when its wings are broken? — An army. Why is a beggar like an attorney? — Because he is a solicitor. Why is the Mississippi a lazy river? — Because it lies in BED day and night. Though I dance at a ball yet I'm nothing at all. What am I? — A shadow. Why is death like a man breaking your windows? — He puts an end to your pains (panes). What sort of a countenance should an auctioneer tave? — One that is for-bidding. When is a man not a man? — When he is a-shaving. Why are pretty girls like fireworks? — ^They soon '*go Why is a coarse sieve like this book? — Because it is full of riddles. Why is the sound of a bell like a circle of gold^ — Be- cause it is a ring? When is the moon like a dollar fresh from the mint? — When it is new and bright. Why is a court of justice like a draught of fishes?—' Because it is a haul (hall). RIDDLES. S3 What interjection is like the first boat ever made?— Hark I (ark). What is the centre of gravity? — The letter Y. What window in your house is like the planet Venus? —The skylight. Which part of a tea-urn resembles a man at dinner?^ The heater (eater). When is a sailor not a sailor?— ^^Tien he is a-board. When is a wager like a unit? — When it is won (one). What part of a ragged shirt resembles the Pope's title? — Its HOLINESS. Kame me and you destroy me. — Silence. Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? — Because, however frank, she cannot be plain. What weed is most like a rent in a garment? — A tare. Which is the smallest bridge in the world? — The bridge of your nose. "^Miat is that, although black itself, yet enlightens the whole world? — Ink. At what time of life may a man be properly said to be a vegetable? — At seventy, because long experience makes him sage. When you listen to the sound of a drum, why are you like a just judge? — Because you hear both sidess 84 RIDDLES. Why is the winner of a race like the letter A? — Be- cause he is FIK8T. Why is the word lilies like a man's face? — Because it has two I's (eyes). Why is a melancholy young lady the pleasantest of all companions? — Because she is always a-musing. Can a leopard change his spots? — Yes; when he is tired of one spot he can go to another. Why is a coward like a leaky barrel?— Because they both RUN. Why should a carriage wheel be fatigued? — Because it is always tired. Why are fish in a thriving state like fish made to imi- tate them? — Because they are he arty-fish- all (arti- ficial). What is that which never asks questions yet requires many answers? — A door-knocker. What is that which goes up the hill and down the hill and spite of all yet standeth still? — The road. Whose profession is at once the hardest and the easiest? — The musician's, because he works when he plays and plays when he works. Why is a candle nearly burnt out like a certain county in Ireland? — Because it is Wick-low. Why is a man and woman joined in wedlock like a -jyell-known fruit? — Because they are a pair (pear). RIDDLES, 8S Why is a man seeking tlie company of conspirators like another going through a field where there are tall trees growing? — Because he is going where there is high trees on (treason). Why is the letter D like a wedding ring?— .Because WE cannot be wed without it. Why is a riddle which is very clearly discovered like a letter written by a child to its mother? — Because it's TOO APrAREXT (to a parent). Why is a bad lock like a basket of wine? — Because it's hampered. Why when you look at a miser's dinner are you nearly blind? — Because you can only see a little bit. Why is the foundation of a leg of mutton like a great general? — Because it is a bony part. (Bonaparte). When is a door more than itself? — When it is to (two). Why arc crows the wisest of birds? — Because they never complain without cause (caws). Why is a lecture on board a ship like a young lady's necklace? — Because it is a decoration (deck-oration). Why is a neglected damsel like a fire which has gone out? — Because she has not a spark left. Why is a plum-cake like the ocean? — Because it con- tains many currants (currents). 86 RIDDLES. Why is a man wearing a hat not paid for like a bank- rupt? — Because he is over head and ears iu'debt. Why is a widow like a gardener? — Because she tries to get rid of her weeds. What is the worst kind of fare a man can live on? — Warfare. Why is a policeman like a mill horse? — Because he goes his ROUNDS. Why is love like a duck's foot? — Because it is o-ften hidden in the breast. Why is the telegraph like a musical director? — Be- cause it beats time. What is the greatest stand ever made for civilization? The ink-stand. Why does marriage resemble strength?^ — " Union is Strength! " Why is a loaf which has fallen overboard like a lob- ster? — Because it is bred (bread) in the sea. Why have domestic fowls no future state of existence? Because they have their next world (necks twirled) in this. Why is a valet assisting his master at his toilet like one person speaking to another? — Because he is A DRESSING HIM (addressing him). Why are blind persons the most likely to be com- passionate? — Because they feel for other persons* RIDDLES. 87 When is a widow like a half ruinous house? — When she wants to be re-paired. Why do officers on parade evince a particular for- giving disposition? Because they are fdendly as soon as they fall out. Why are noisy people at a public tiieeeing like sput- tering candles? — Because they oaiy vieaSk! to be nuis- ances when they are put out^ Why is a reporter like a lorgei ? - Hecause he makes NOTES. Why is a man approachiag a ratd^.e like another about to get oU his hc^vse? beer at'f ae is •^oing to A LIGHT (alight). What General is most j^revaJer.t, -"auses most distress, and spreads most dismay ' — General Want. What heathen deicy wo lid boxer name when ask- ing another to secona him ? — Bacchus (Back-us). Why is a person wirh an asthma like a money chest? Because he's a cougheh (coffer). Why is an honest man like barley sugar? — Because he is CANDID (candied). Why is wedlock like a pecuniary affair? — Because it is a MATRIMONY (a matter o'money). If a church be on fire why does the organ run the least possible chance of escape? — Because the engine cannot play upon it. 88 RlbDLE^, Why is a fellow without whiskers or mustachios like an impudent man ? — Because he is bare-faced. Why is a man sitting quietly by himself like money which is borrowed? — Because he is alone (a loan). What letter is that which is always repeated in America? — The letter A. How do we know that time is money? — Because we generally find it easy to spend an eveniDg in good com- pany. Why is a sailor the most learned person as to what occurs on the other side of the moon? — Because he has been to see (sea). Why are persons born blind unfit to be carpenters? •—Because they never saw. "Wliat four letters would frighten a thief? — 0 I C U (Oh, I sec you). "When is a sailor not a sailor? — When he is a-board. VvTiy is an old lady's cap the most economical article of human clothing? — Because she never wears it out. Why does a man go into the law, remain in the law, and go out of the law? — He goes into the law to get ON ; he remains in the law to get oner ; he retires from the law to get onest. When is a soldier not a soldier? — When he is mus- tered. What is most like a cat's tail? — A kitten's taiL RIDDLES. 89 If a £yentleraan desires his daughter to take wine, the name of what country would he use? — Port-you-gal? What portion of the Mediterranean is the common chord of music like? — A, G, and C (^gean Sea). "\Yhat does a cat possess which no other animal has? — Kittens. Who first introduced walking-sticks? — Eve, when she presented Adam with a little Cain. What is the difference between a baby and a pair of boots? — One is what I was, the other what I wear. If a man met a crying pig what animal would he call him? — Pork you p^ne (porcupine). ^Yhat word becomes shorter by adding a syllable? — Short. If a stupid fellow is goinrr up for competitive exami- nation why should he study the letter P? — Because P makes ass Pass. "Why is I, of all the vowels, the most likely to get to heaven? — Because E is in hell and all the rest are in purgatory. ATith what two animals do you always go to bed? — Two calves. Why is a naughty boy like a penny postage-stamp? — Because you lick and place it in the corner. Which of the animals took the most into the ark?— The elephant, for he carried his trunk. CHARADES. Charades are probably of Italian origin, deriving their name from the word " schiarare, " to unravel, to elucidate, to clear up. The answer to a charade consists of a w^ord of two or more syllables, each having a separate meaning, which is described enigmatically ; and then the several ideas evolved in the first and following terms are combined in the whole. On the margin of the desert, In my first, the camels lay, Waiting for the heavy burdens Borne by them day after day. Tis said in the olden times 'Neath the light of midnight moon, Rode my second on their broomsticks, Or were hung up high at noon. Where the brimming river rushes By a pleasant, woodland grove — There we ate my whole, then onward Down the banks far did we rove. Answer— Sandwiches (Sand-witches). CHARADES, 91 FiEST is what all do after sleeping, my seco^'d is a plot of ground, my whole a town in ]^Iassacliu- setts. Ajtswer — Wake-field. My FinsT is an important portion of tlie liuman body, my secoisD a collection of water, my whole an English town. A^sSWER — Liver-pool. My FEST is an article of furniture, my second where my baby sleeps, my whole a town in England. Ajxswek — Pres-cot. I made up my mind to seco:xd my first, And my whole from the dealer received; But I found that my secokd Was too long for my first, And returned my whole to the maker deceived. Axsvn'er — Picture-frame. Oh, no, says my first, 'tis so warm anvi hot, I really can't put on my second, Tho' 'tis quite an age I've been in my whole, I still very pretty am reckoned. Answer — Widow-hood. My first is the product of my second, and my •whole is pleasant to romp in. Answer — Hay -field. A conveyance is my frst. My SECOND we love dearly. My WHOLE is trampled under foot, And often flogged severely. Answer — Car-pet 01 CHARADES, In winter's time my first is seen, When the weather is very cold ; And is formed into my second By children young and old. And if my whole you wish to find, My FIRST aud second must be combined ; And then by looking you will see, A winter favorite in me. Answer — Snow-ball. Take half of what is needful for the dead. What helps physicians to their daily bread ; Join these together, bright and clear. And drink for breakfast without fear. Answer — Cof-fee. I'm found in nearly all sorts of houses, and am patron- ized alike by young and old, male and female, gentle and simple. Of my first is made my second, and my SECOND backs my first, and my whole is used to keep my first in order. Answer — Hair-brush. My first receives, but never tells The secret of a friend ; My second does upon my first For its success depend. My whole with pain the fair admit, Yet giadly to receive it sit ; And whilst they cringe with pain and fright, They hail my beauty with delight. Answer — ^Ear-ring. CHARADES. 93 Deep in my first my second lies, Unseen by mortal eyes, Rough and unknown ; yet when brought fortb. 'Tis deemed a noble prize. There's robbers in the house, you say? Then shut the doors each one, And bar each window firm and fast; "We'll keep them safe till dawn. The morning came, loud was the wail, And sad, sad was the sight : The robbers had by whole escaped, And bolted through the night. Akswer — Strata-gem. Jem Jenkinson waited on Brown, To ask for the hand of his daughter; He held a snug berth in the town, And felt pretty sure he had caught her. But queer are the fortunes of love, And Jem's was one of the worst ; For Brown, in my second, most unlike a dove, Right speedily showed him my first. Our hero, abashed and confounded. Lost over his feelings control. And hurrying home deeply wounded, Spoke of it when there as my whole. Answer — Out-rage. My FIRST is a vehicle, my second is a preposition, my tthole is part of a ship. Answer— Cab-in. 94 CHARADES. My FIRST is a grain, my second is part of a house, my WHOLE is an English county. ANSYfER — Corn-wall. My FIRST is a liquid, my second is a fish, my whole is a whisper. Answer — Ink-ling. My eirst is formal, my second is a flower, my whole is a flower. Answer — Prim-rose. My FIRST is a color, my second is a workman, my whole is a workman. Answer — Black-smith. My FIRST is a human being, my second is to walk, my WHOLE is an Indian fruit. Answer — Man-go. My first is to spoil, my second is a vowel, my THIRD is a precious metal, my whole is a flower. Answer — Mar-i-gold. My first's a precious stone ; My NEXT a well-known tree ; Or call my first a fruit, The next a thong will be. Wliichever way you choose This puzzle to divide, You still will find my whole A powder will abide. Answer — Pearl-ash, or Pear-lash, CHARADES. 95 I Lad a dream of bygone years : I savr a f air-liaired boy ; His youthful face was beaming with a radiant smile of joy. I saw his young, yet manly form, within the trim school-ground. And when his soft sweet voice was heard, his playmates crowded round And listened, with a greedy ear, as unto them he told Of glorious deeds that had been done by patriots of old; Of many a hard-contested field, of cities lost and won ; And thus his youthful days were spent — heroic "Wash- ington ; The scene was changed — it was a plain empurpled with blood ! And in that surging human tide — that wild, resistless flood— I recognized the fair-hair'd boy in that heroic form That spurred into the very front of that fierce battle's storm. His manly voice came swelling forth in all its clearness then, In vain endeavors so to cheer those poor disheartened men ; And when that all seemed to be lost — when ever}- hope seemed gone — A ray still lingered in his breast — heroic TTashingtonl The scene was changed — I then beheld a happy, joyous throng 9^ CHARADES, Hailing with pride the conqueror; aind as he passed along, I recognized his form again: his locks were whiter now — The weight of earthly cares had left their mark upon his brow. Hark to the trumpet's brazen notes ! hark to the thun- dering drums I And every voice proclaims aloud, "Behold the con- queror comes?" All through that long and dreary whole, he still kept toiling on ; Branded my first, brave as my last — heroic Washing- ton! Answer — Rebel-lion. My FIRST is a participle, my second is part of your dress, my third is a letter, my fourth is used in front of houses, and my whole is to examine. Answer — ^In-vest-i-gate. My FIRST is useful to the earth, my second is worn by ladies and was also used in war, and my whole is seen in the sky. Answer — Eain-bow. My FIRST is an animal, my second is an article, my third should be used every day, and my whole is a place for the dead. Answer— Cat-a-comb, CHARADES. 97 My FIRST is a weapon used in war, my second lives in the sea, my whole is a species of fish, found in warm climates. Answer — Sword-fish. My FIRST is a word meant to "hold" or "possess," 'Tis spelt with four letters I'm free to confess. My second's an instrument made to confine, To give you the key I politely decline. My WHOLE, when you find it, will give you the name Of a brave British hero distinguished in fame. Answer— Have-lock. My FIRST is never on, And never wai-m my second. By Jove, 'tis time I was at my whole, For by the boy I'm beckoned. Answer— Office (Off-ice), My WHOLE to him who has my first, Is indispensable, I tell you. He'll have to second my first, And FiRHT my second too. Answer — Watch-pocket. Look at my happy joyous first, With my second by her side; 'Tis strange, but a short time ago, My first was then my whole. Answer— Brides-maid CHARADES. At evening by my whole you'll think Of days gone by ; and never reckon That by my second my first is made, And by my first my second. Answer — Fire-light, My first I may in truth declare — It's name and nature both is air ; My second is a perfect bore, Yet make sweet music evermore; My WHOLE in many a crowded street Lies in its bed beneath your feet. Answer — Gas-pipe. ACTING CHARADES. Acting Chaeades is a very popular amusement : All persons know how Charades are got up — old clothes, hats, shawls, etc., serving forcostumes; chairs, tables, etc., with or without scenery and accessories. These Charades are of various kinds: those performed entirely in dumb show are called Pantomime Charades; Acting Charades, when the speakers either study the words of their several parts, or give them impromptu; and little Plays and Farces, Proverbs, Burlesques, or Dramas. "We give specimens, though it is by no means necessary to follow out our model too strictly. Clever folks can make plays for themselves. In the Charade, a word of two or more syllables is acted, either in pan- tomime or by dialogue, each syllable forming a scene. The players choose a word or sentence, each part of which should have a separate meaning, and when they have played it out, the audience guess its inteTpretation. When the Charades are short, new actors can be se- lected from the company, and at the conclusion the word represented is guessed at in the same way as an ordinary riddle. "We subjoin a list of words appropriate for either Acting or Pantomime Charades: Ad(d)-dress. Arrow-root. Before-hand. A-gin-court. Back-gammon. Bell-man. Air-gun. Back-ground. Break-fast. Air-pump. Balling-tub. Bride-cake. Alarm-bell(e). Band-box. Bull-rush. Ant-e-lope. Bank-quet (wet). Cab-i-net. lOO ACTING CHARADES. Cap-rice. Cat-call. Chap-fallen. Club-foot. Court-ship. Cross-bow. Cross-patch. (Trumb-cloth, Dead-Level. Dice-box. Dog-ma-tic. Dog-rose. Draw-bridgCL Drop-stone. Eye-glass. Eye-lash. Fag-end. Pan-light. Fare-well. Farm-house. Father-in-law. Fish-slice. Foot-man. Foot-pad. Free-hold. Game-cock. Game-keeper. Garden-stuff. Grand-child. Grand-father. Hard-ware. Heads-man. Heir-at-law. Heir-loom. Horse-chest nut Horse-man-ship. I-doIl (Idol). Imp-pas, I-bell. In(n)-different. Jack-boots. Jack-pudding. Jew-ill (jewel). Kid-napper. King-craft. Lady-bird. Lady-day. Leap-frog. Livery-man. Love-apple. Mad-cap. Make-peace, Mar-gate. Mar-shall. Melting-pot. Mend-I-can't Milk-maid, Miss-under-stand. News-monger. Night-in-gale. Night-shade. Novel-ties. Out-pour. Out-rage. Out-side. Over-shadow. Pack-cloth. Pack-thread. Paper-maker. Pen-man-ship. Penny-weight. Pen-wiper. Pop-gun. Powder-box. Quarrel-some. Quarter-staff. Quick-witted. Rabbit-warren. Rain-bow. Rap-sc(a)ullioiL Rope-walk. Rope-yarn. Safe-guard. Sail-maker. Sauce-box. Sweet-bread. Sweet-heart. Table-talk. Tea-board. Tell-tale. Ten -an -try. Tide-water. Toll-house. Tow-line. Up-braid. TJp-roar. Up-shot. Up-start. Vat-i-can. Waist-coat. "Walking-stick. War-den. Watch-guard. Watch-man. Water-butt. Water-falL Way-bill. Wheel-bar-row. Yoke-fellow. Young-ster. Youth-ful. Zebra-wood* CURIOUS EPITAPHS. There was an old woman who always was tired, She lived in a house where no help was hired ; Her last words on earth were : " Dear friends, I am going Where sweeping ain't done, nor churning nor sewing; And ever}^thing there will be just to my wishes, For there they don't eat, there's no washing of dishes ; And though there the anthems are constantly ringing, I, having no voice, will get rid of singing. Don't mourn for me now and don't mourn for me never, For I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever. Here lies the form of my sweet love, "Who passed from earth to realms above ; She clipped the shell of this earthly sin, And hatched herself a cherubim. Sad was her fate, she met it thus— She was run over by a bus. CURIOUS EPITAPHS. ON JOHN STRANGE. Here lies an honest lawyer. And that's strange. ON A MR. BUTTON. Oh ! Heavens and Earth ; Oh ! stars and poles ; That graves should be but button-holes. Here lies the body of John Partridge, who died 13th of May, What, shoot a partridge in the month of May ! Call you that sportsmanlike ? eh. Death ? eh. Here lies two brothers by dangers surrounded The one was killed and the other was drownded. Our little Florence must be larger by this time. Here lies the body of Elizabeth Fay, Her's gone away : Her would if her could, but her couldn't stay. She had two bad kgs and a baddish cough. But her legs it was that carried her off. Here lies the body of John Mound* Lost at soa and never found. CURIOUS EIITAPHS. This child was run over by a Wagon three years old and cross-eyed With pantalets which never spoke afterward. The procession was ver)' fine, And nearly two miles in length ; — As was also the prayer of Dr. Perrj^ the chaplaia. She gently strode into the dark Cave of eternal night, at six and A half o'clock in the morning. IN A CHURCH IN CHESHIRE. Here lies I, Jonathan Fry, — Killed by a Sky- Rocket in my Eye-socket. EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE. Collisions four or five she bore. All patching was in vam : Long time she rusted, And then she busted. And smashed the excursion train. Here lies the bodies of two sisters dear; Oac's buri^ ir, Irels^nd, the o^her lies hcr«» IQ4 CURIOUS EPITAPHS, FROM CINCINNATI, OHIO. Here lies , Who came to this city and died For the benefit of his health. This is to a poor tract peddler who sat down on a can of nitro-glycerine and was blown '* sky-high :" To the azure depths of the upper air. His body had flewn, flewn, fiewn, A bit of him here and a bit of him there. And over the landscape everywhere, It now lies strewn, strewn, strewn ; But his soul I believe and am willing to swear. Is grandly climbing the golden stair, To an anti-glycerine clime ; Go where they don't put up in cans. Two great physicians first — My loving husband tried, To cure my pain — In vain. At last he got a third. And then — I died. Here lies the body of Jonathan Stout, Who went in the water and never came out* Supposed \^ be floating about. CURIOUS EPITAPHS. ON AN OXFORD PIEWOMAN. Here, into the dust, the mouldering crust Of Eleanor Bachelor's shoven : Well skilled in the arts of custard and tarts, And the lucrative skill of the oven. When she'd lived long enough, she made her last puf! A puff by her husband much praised : Now here she doth lie, to make a dirt pie, In hopes that the crust may be raised. Here lies the body of Alexander Mapherson, Who was a very extraordinary person : He was two yards high in his stocking feet. And kept his accoutrements clean and neat: He was slew At the battle of Waterloo : He was shot by a bullet. Plump through his gullet : It went in at his throat, And came out at the back of his coat. In her life she was a pattern to be followed and hef death — Oh ! how consoling to her friends. LINES ON A MAN NAMED OWEN MOOWt. Owen Mocre has run away, OwifC m0r« than he could pay. lo6 CURIOUS EPITAPHS, LINES ON AN EDITOR. Here lies an editor, Snooks, if you will I In mercy, kind Providence, Let him lie still. He lied for his living, so He lived while he lied. When he could not lie longer. He lied down and died. Here lies Sir John Guise ; — No one laughs, no one cries : Where he's gone, and how he fares. No one knows, and no one cares. The deceased left two infant daughters — both girls. Here lies the body of Lady O'Looney ; grand-niece of Burke, commonly called the sublime. She was bland, passionate, and deeply religious; also painted in water-colors, and sent several pictures to the exhibi- tion. She was own cousin to Lady Jones, and of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. Beneath this stone reposes one. Whom, when this task of life was done^ We buried by the salt, salt sea V/hicii thoroughly had pickled he. CURIOUS EPITAPHS. EPITAPH ON A TALKATIVE OLD MAID. Beneath this silent stone is laid, A noisy, antiquated maid, Who from her cradle talked till death. And ne'er before was out of breath. Reader, pass on : — don't waste your time O'er bad biography and bitter rhyme ; For what I am, this crumbling clay insures, And what I was is no affair of yours. She first deceased. He, for a little, tried To live without her ; liked it not, and died. Here lies returned to clay Miss Arabella Young, Who on the first of May Began to hold her tongue. ON A SAILOR. His death which happened in his berth, At forty odd befell : Tney went and told the sexton, and The sexton tolled the bell. To-day death tore away from us,/ar the third tim^ our only child. lo8 CURIOUS EPITAPHS. Willie had a purple monkey climbing on a yello)» stick, And when he suctced the paint all off it made him deathly sick ; And in his latest hours he clasped that monkey in his hand, And bade good-bye to earth and went into a better land. Oh ! no more he'll shoot his sister with his little wooden gun. And no more he'll twist the pussy's tail and make her howl for fun. The pussy's tail now stands out straight, the gun is laid aside. The monkey doesn't jump about since little WiHie died. ON HUME. Beneath this round idea. Vulgarly called a tomb. Ideas and impressions lie. Which constituted Hume. He was young, he was fair. But the Inguns raised his hair. ON A CELEBRATED COOK, Peace to his hash«a. CURIOUS EPITAPHS. Oh ! bur}' Bartholomew out in the woods, In a beautiful hole in the ground, Where the bumble-bees buzz, and the wood-peckers sing, And the straddle-bugs tumble around. So that, in winter, when the snow and the slush Have covered his last little bed, His brother Artemus can go out with Jane, And visit the place with his sled. Good Stories Written From Plays. THE FATAL WEDDING. Written from the famous play of the eame name by Theo- dore Kremer. It is handsomelF illustrated. Price, 25 cents. ROBERT EMMET. By GEOBGE 3IOBEHEAD, 200 Fages, Illustrated, Paper Cover , 25 cents. This is one of the best books ever vrriTten upon th e life and storr o' love ■ f ihe Irish PaTiot. Every one that is interested in a story of Irish love and sacrifice, should read this book. 'V/AY DOWN EAST. A Romance of New England Life. By JOSBPE GRIHMER. 200 Pages, Paper Cover, 23 cts, With six iliustrations^ It is a strong, pure, clean, touching: s'ory of home life la New England, and bids fair to outrival "The Old Homestead" in public popularity. Vi/HEN WE WERE TWENTY-ONE. 256 Pages, with Eight full-page lUustrations and Handsome Lithograph Paper Covers, Price, 25 cents. This story is written from and founded upon the success- ful Piay of the same ti'le in which Maxino Elliott and Nat Goodwin achisved such a wondertal success. FRANCESGA DA RiMINi. By GEORGE MOBEHEAD, 192 Pages. Illustrated^ Paper Cover, 25 cents. This is an intensely dramatic love story, which will interest all readers, end the fact that Sarah Bernhardt and Eieanora Duse are both ena-aer'^d as the leading character in tiie piay, speaks for its popularity. All of the above books will be sent by mail, post-paid, upon receipt of price. Address all orders to J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISnmO COMPANY, p. 0. Box 767. 57 BOSS SXEEST, NEW YOEK, BLUNDERS OP A BASHFUL riAN. By the Popular Author of '*A Bad Boy's Biary.'* This is one of the most humorous books ever issued, and has been pronounced ^^//