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 iLLWcSTRATED 
 
 
 
Digitized by the Internet Arciiive 
 in 2010 with funding from 
 Duke University Libraries 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/dogsfleasOOscri 
 
PERKINS LIBRARY 
 
 Uuke Unn 
 
 Kare Dooka 
 
The Dogs and the Fleas 
 
 ONE OF THE DOGS 
 
 ILLUSTRATED 
 
 published by 
 Douglas McCallum 
 
 go WASHINGTON ST. CHICAGO ILL, 
 
 1893 
 
COPYRIGHT 1S93 
 
 liV 
 
 DOUGLAS McCALLUM 
 
 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 
 
 ELECTROTYPED BY THE 
 
 LIBBY' & SHERWOOD PRINTING CO. 
 
 CHICAGO. 
 

 PREFACE. 
 
 Henry Ward Beecher, in a sermon shortly before his death, 
 said America was going through a period of disgrace. This was 
 true ; for there had come to pass, what the prophetic Lincoln 
 had foretold, that, as the result of the war, monopolies had been 
 enthroned, that had filled the land with corruption and imper- 
 illed the liberties of the people. 
 
 To-day the period of disgrace is worse than then, for the 
 corrupt tree which was then bearing so luxuriant a crop has 
 had several years more in which to develop its fruit-bearing 
 capacity. 
 
 On every hand Mammon reigns. His throne has been set up 
 in the very place of sovereignty. His rule is universal and 
 absolute. The price of his favor is the sacrifice of all truth, 
 virtue and honor. Honest, hard work has become the synonym 
 of poverty ; and it has become the fixed rule of our civilization 
 — a rule with absolutely no exception — that no one can come to 
 great wealth except by some of the many forms of legal stealing. 
 At his feet all organized institutions bow and M'orship. Politics 
 are corrupt to the core. Our legislatures — as Beecher used to 
 declare of that of New York — are everywhere the shambles 
 where legislators are bought and sold like sheep. Political 
 "bosses" possess, and lord it over, the souls and bodies of the 
 chattel voters of the "parties" with as brutal a despotism as 
 ever Czar or Kaiser wielded. Legislation-favored monopolists 
 of the various means of the people's "life, liberty and the pur- 
 
 1 
 
2 I'RUFACE. 
 
 suit of happiness" are opeuly and commonly termed " Kings," 
 " Lords," " Barons," as though in undisguised contempt of the 
 thinly veiled pretense that this is a republic. 
 
 To-day is fulfilled that which thirty-six years ago was prophe- 
 sied by Lord Macauley, that, America's public lands being all 
 gone, England's poverty would be reproduced in our cities. It 
 is literally true as he foretold, that in Chicago there is a 
 multitude of people none of whom has had more than half a 
 breakfast, or expects to have more than half a dinner. 
 
 Our daily crop of common theft, murder, suicide and insanity 
 is probably greater than that of any other country ; while the 
 crop of respectable, pious and educated scoundrelism, embezzle- 
 ment, fraud and crime was probably never paralleled in the 
 worst days of the worst monarchy that ever existed, for the 
 thousands of our daily newspapers the country over have little 
 else than the records of the universally abounding venality, 
 corruption and wickedness with which to fill their columns. 
 
 Business, trade and commerce are nothing less than a chaos 
 of clashing, discordant self-interests ; a universal war ; a pan- 
 demonium of noisy lying, overreaching, cheating and stealing. 
 
 Patriotism, too — especially with our so called upper classes — 
 has become almost universally a "livery of Heaven to serve the 
 devil in," and is the particular characteristic of the hypocritical 
 scoundrels whose whole business in life it has been to trade on 
 the necessities of the Government, and to make money out of 
 the wholesale theft of the public domain, the sale of the liberties 
 of the people, and the bonding and mortgaging of the future 
 products of their labor — even unto those of the grandchildren of 
 generations yet unborn — to the leeches and loafing non-produc- 
 
PREFACE. 3 
 
 ers of every foreign country. The land is full of sucli worse than 
 Benedict Arnolds. Blatant hypocrites they are, who — Judas- 
 like — ostentatiously kiss the Flag and worship the republic to- 
 day, but are ready at any convenient moment to haul down the 
 one and overthrow the other for an extra five per cent, dividend 
 on the bondage of the people. 
 
 The Church, as always, is the willing handmaid of the op- 
 pressor everywhere ; and to suit the wealthy lords who are her 
 chief support, preaches a Mammonized God and an insipid, 
 harmless, garbled and un-Christlike Christ ; and in all her wide 
 domain, has no real hope or help for the groaning millions but 
 a shadowy future world. 
 
 For this universal degeneracy the people themselves are 
 wholly to blame. Was it not Montesquieu who said "all govern- 
 ments are as bad as the people will let them be" ? They are 
 the masters whensoever they will so to b?. But they do not 
 will, because they are ignorant and asleep. When they shall 
 awake and come to a knowledge of their wrongs, they will have 
 but to command through the ballot box, and they shall cease. 
 
 We need a new race of Whjttiers, Lowells, Phillipses, Lincolns 
 and Garrisons to arouse the people from their lethargy and 
 inspire them to take back their stolen heritage of rights, before 
 their one last peaceful remedy, the ballot, shall be stolen avray 
 too. 
 
 To help open their eyes, and help on that blessed time when 
 this shall really be a government of the people, by the people, 
 and for the people, this little book was written. 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 December, 1893. 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Canisville.— Founded 
 BY Rebee Dogs from 
 Kyhidom. — Prosper- 
 ity AND Happiness 
 of the Early Canis- 
 villians. 
 
 HERE was ouce a time 
 wlieu dogs were dogs 
 and dwelt together re- 
 spectably in the respectable 
 \ town of Canisville. Can- 
 isville was situated on the west 
 I ' side of a big fish pond, from the 
 > east side of which the forefath- 
 ers and foremothers of the dogs had come, driven out by the 
 dogs of Kyhidom, the great city of those parts, because they 
 had dared to say many most grievous things about the folly of 
 dogs allowing fleas to settle on them, to boss them and suck 
 their blood. 
 
 5 
 
6 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 For be it known, the dogs of Kyhidom were great idolaters 
 with very small heads, who had been easily taught to reverence 
 and worship fleas in general, and their own in particular, as 
 having been ordained of God to suck their blood ; and when 
 these rebel dogs with preposterous, new fangled notions about 
 the rights of dogs, got loud-mouthed in their remarks, the good, 
 orthodox, divine-right-of-fleas dogs were scandalized and said 
 that the rebel dogs were committing the sin of doubting the 
 wisdom of things that were and had been, and were flying in 
 the face of Providence ; and as they were there to protect Provi- 
 dence at all hazards, those dogs must either cease flying in the 
 face of Providence or fly from the country. So the rebel dogs, 
 not being able to stop flying in the face of Providence afore- 
 said, did fly from the country and paddled their own canoe to 
 the other side of the pond, where they founded the new town 
 of Canisville. 
 
 Nevertheless, this same Providence, who, on that side of the 
 pond, apparently could not bear to have his face flown in, did 
 seem to mightily bless and prosper them on this side thereof; and 
 they became a well-to-do community and were guided, ruled and 
 advised by a wise and venerable patriarchal chief of the name 
 of Bull McMastiff", who taught them various wise maxims 
 and laws. Ever}- morning he would call them to a conversa- 
 zione, and after admonishing them of their sins, faults, mis- 
 takes and transgressions of the day before, would advise them 
 of the way wherein they should trot to-daj' ; and he alwaj'S dis- 
 missed them with this particular bit of advice : "My children, 
 your enemy the flea goeth about like a roaring lion, seeking 
 whom he may devour. He loveth dogs, and neglecteth no oppor- 
 tunity to take possession of one, particularly the lazy one. 
 But remember, I pray ye, your forefathers and foremothers ; 
 how they refused to hump the back for fleas to ride upon ; how 
 they gat themselves up out of Kyhidom, out of the House of 
 Bondage, and came into this land flowing with milk and honey, 
 where ye have grown to be a mighty, prosperous and free peo- 
 
The dogs and the fleas, 7 
 
 pie undevoured of fleas. Therefore I say unto you, be vigilant, 
 and diligently beware of the flea." 
 
 And so it was that while they continued to hearken unto the 
 barks of the good chief McMastiff^, they dwelt in safety and put 
 away from amongst them all those who had the itch and the 
 mange and the scab and the botch. 
 
 And they searched diligently all through the camp, and 
 whomsoever they found scratching with the hind leg, or vic- 
 iously biting himself, they incontinently hauled up before the 
 judge and made confess where he had caught his flea, or rather 
 where his flea had caught him ; and when they had taken the 
 flea and caused it to be put to death, they sentenced the cul- 
 prit to be cleansed everj' day for a month ; but if the offender 
 off"ended again, they worried him to death and cast out his car- 
 cass. 
 
CHAPTER II. 
 
 MEPHISTOPHELES. (Sings.) 
 
 There was a king once reigning, 
 Who had a big black flea- 
 
 Hear, hear ! A flea ! D'ye rightly take the jest ? 
 I call a flea a tidy guest. 
 
 MEPHISTOPHELES. (Sings.) 
 
 There was a king once reigning, 
 
 Who had a big black flea, 
 And loved hiiu past explaining, 
 
 As his own son were he. 
 He called his man of stitches ; 
 
 The tailor came straightway : 
 Here, measure the lad Tor breeches. 
 
 And measure his coat, I say ! 
 
 BRANDER. 
 
 But mind, allow the tailor no caprices : 
 Enjoin upon him, as liis head is dear. 
 To most exactly measure, sew and shear, 
 
 So that the breeches have no creases ! 
 
 MEPHISTOPHELES. 
 
 In silk and velvet gleaming 
 
 He now was wholly drest — 
 Had a coat with ribbons streaming, 
 
 A cross upon his breast. 
 He had the first of stations, 
 
 A minister's star and name ; 
 .\nd also all his relations, 
 
 Great lords at court became. 
 
 And the lords and ladies of honor 
 Were plagued, awake and in bed ; 
 
 The queen she got them upon her, 
 The maids were bitten and bled, 
 
 8 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 And they did not dare to crush them, 
 Or scratch them, day or night : 
 
 We crack them and we crush them, 
 At once, whene'er they bite. 
 
 CHORUS, {Skoiiting.) 
 
 We crack them and we crush them, 
 At once, whene'er they bite ! 
 
 FROSCH. 
 
 Bravo ! Braro ! That was fine. 
 
 SIEBEL. 
 
 Every flea may it so befall. 
 
 -Goethe. 
 
 Death oe Bull McMastiff.— Accession of Pup McPoo- 
 DLE.— His Evil Reign. — Trouble With the Dogs of 
 Kyhidom and How it Ended. — National Debt. — A 
 Fleas' War and a Dogs' Fight.— How the Victorious 
 Dogs Became National Pets. 
 
 |0W all the inhabitants of Canisville walked right- 
 eously all the days of Bull McMastiff, and the 
 blessing of Heaven was upon them. They kept 
 his statutes and judgments and laid up his com- 
 mandments in their hearts, and were blessed in 
 their uprising, and their downsitting, in their 
 going out, and in their coming in. Plenty 
 crowned their years, and full were always their 
 basket and theii stoie ; their bread was certain and their water 
 sure ; peace and everlasting joy were in all their borders, and 
 want and poverty and plague were far away and unknown, save 
 as by stories of travelers iu strange and heathen lands. 
 
10 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 But it came to pass that Bull McMastifFdied and was gathered 
 to his fathers, full of days, full of honors, and toothless, and 
 Pup McPoodle reigned in his stead. And Pup McPoodle did 
 evil in the sight of all the community, and walked not in the 
 ways of Bull McMastiff. In the cussedness of his heart, he 
 caused the whole community of dogs to turn aside from follow- 
 ing the wise maxims and counsels of Bull McMastiff, in keep- 
 ing of which they had grown fat and strong and sleek and 
 well-to do. He scoffed when certain good old conservative 
 canines reminded him of McMastiff s vigilant care of the com- 
 munity, and when they quoted his maxims, he barked and 
 said 'Rats." 
 
 And the canines turned aside from following Bull McMastiff. 
 And it came to pass that they neglected to haul up for punish- 
 ment those who scratched with the hind leg ; and soon it was 
 found that many were with flea. 
 
 In those days other trouble fell on the inhabitants of Canis- 
 ville ; for the fleas of Kyhidom, who had ordered the dogs of 
 Kyhidom to drive out the rebellious dogs that flew in the face 
 of Providence, felt the loss of the driveu-out dogs ; and although 
 they hated much their heretic doctrines, they hated more to 
 lose the tribute of blood they had been accustomed to get out of 
 them. So they sent some delegate fleas over the pond to beg of 
 the outlawed and exiled dogs, to be good enough not to forget 
 the fleas of their own beloved native land, but to send over at 
 stated times a little of their blood to keep them from starving. 
 And the delegates pleaded so hard in the names of religion, 
 patriotism, the old countrj% the old ties of blood, and for old 
 acquaintance' sake that the exiled dogs relented and repented, 
 and consented to bleed themselves so much a month and send 
 the blood over in a bowl for the sustenance of the Kyhidom fleas, 
 who were content to receive it thus, although they grumbled at 
 the quantity which they said ought to have been at least two 
 bowlfuls. 
 
 In process of time, however, when the fleas of Kyhidom had 
 grown accustomed to receiving regularly the monthly bowlful, 
 
11 
 
12 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 and the dogs of Canisville had become accustomed to being 
 bled, the appetite of the fleas began to grow, and they grew 
 fretful and began to say that the dogs over the pond were grow- 
 ing mean and unmiudful of the duty they owed to their 
 mother country. 
 
 So they sent over another delegation to tell the dogs of Canis- 
 ville that the appetite of the fleas of Kyhidoni had very much 
 improved, and that it was very necessary unto their health that 
 
 the dogs send over a double tribute of blood, and that in case of 
 refusal the fleas would feel very much hurt in their feelings ; and 
 above all, that the refusal would be very displeasing to Gorge- 
 ous Littlehead Flea, the King of Kyhidom, who was the especial 
 friend and protector of fleas ; in fact, so dearly and devotedly did 
 he love them that they were to him as the apples of his e}'es, 
 and any insult to them he would regard as tantamount to treason 
 against hint. But the dogs made reply that they could not con- 
 scientiously comply with the new request ; that they themselves 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FI,EAS. 
 
 13 
 
 ,were not doing as well as formerly ; that 
 
 they had fleas of their own to support 
 
 now, and that really, while holding the 
 
 very highest regard and reverence for the 
 
 fleas of their beloved old Kyhidom (having 
 
 forgiven the outrage perpetrated there upon 
 
 ■ their forefathers), they hoped the fleas would 
 
 kindly excuse any additional contribution, 
 
 ^and try to rest content with the usual monthly 
 
 bowlful. 
 
 Certain of the dogs, however, who were known as "Advanced," 
 very disrespectfully spoke up and said that this sending of 
 blood away over the pond was all wrong ; it was contrary to 
 sound sense, and was detrimental to the interests of the com- 
 munity to send blood away to fleas that didn't live in the coun- 
 try ; that this was "Absenteeism" and absenteeism was the ruin 
 
14 The dogs and The ^leaS. 
 
 of auy country ; that the first duty of dogs was to their own 
 native fleas aud uot to foreigners, and that their advice was to 
 refuse to send auy more blood over the pond, and to drive the 
 whole pesky lot of foreign fleas out of the land. 
 
 And all the native fleas cried out that that was well spoken, 
 aud displayed the true Spirit of Independence. And they vio- 
 lently urged all the other dogs to take up that Spirit aud make 
 a firm and decided Stand for Liberty, and refuse to send any 
 more blood over the pond to the Kyhidom fleas, but to remem- 
 ber their ozvti who were brought up with them, aud were blood 
 of their blood. Aud it was so that these words prevailed, and 
 the Canisville dogs did refuse to send auy more blood. 
 
 So the Kyhidom fleas went home and reported the gross in- 
 sult and grievous injury they had received, which moved the 
 whole of Kyhidom to anger ; and the fleas told the dogs of the 
 insolence and wickedness of their cousins beyond the pond ; 
 aud the dogs were even more angry than the fleas, for they had 
 been for many generations schooled and drilled by the fleas in 
 the sound and profitable (to the fleas) doctrine that an injury to 
 one flea is the concern of all dogs. 
 
 Therefore the dogs got on their Dignity — which was all in 
 their hind legs — and cried aloud that the National Honor had 
 been insulted, and the National Flag had been dirtied, and the 
 face of Providence had been flown in, and His Majesty, King 
 Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, had been treasoued against ; aud some 
 fleas cried "Down with the Canisvillians," which cry was taken 
 up by the dogs, who howled " Down with the Canisvillians," 
 until they were hoarse, though who the Canisvillians were and 
 where they dwelt, few of the dogs knew, and what they had 
 done still fewer had any idea ; but all knew it felt good to shout, 
 aud was, withal, well pleasing to the fleas. So they all ran and 
 asked the fleas to lend them files to sharpen their teeth and 
 claws with, and demanded that the fleas pick out the most val- 
 iant dogs to lead them across the pond, that they might tear 
 out the eyes and bowels of the vile Canisville dogs, who had 
 
THE DOCS ANt) THE ELEAS. 15 
 
 dared to insult and rob their dearly beloved fleas, and treason 
 against His Superbly Serene and Supersacred Majesty, Gorgeous 
 Littlehead Flea, by the Grace of God King of Kyhidom and 
 defender of All Wrong and Bad Faith. 
 
 And the fleas said the conduct and high spirit of the dogs 
 were exceedingly commendable and showed the highest Pat- 
 riotism. And they gave sanction for the dogs to sharpen their 
 teeth and claws, and to go over the pond to tear out the eyes 
 and bowels of the Canisville dogs. The fleas, moreover, said 
 thus unto them : ' 'Good dogs ; brave dogs ; it is a grand and 
 glorious thing to fight and die for our Hearths and Homes, as 
 ye are about to go and do by ripping up those of the dogs be- 
 yond the water ; it is meet that ye take our National Honor and 
 our National Flag and go wash out their stains in the blood of 
 their insulters, as your forefathers and foregrandfathers have 
 done thousands of times before. Bear with you and ever jeal- 
 ously guard those sacred Junk, for it takes so very, very little to 
 dirty them, and so very, very much blood to cleanse them. Ours 
 is a Just Cause and will command the blessing of Heaven, which 
 has never failed to bless the strong claws and teeth of the dogs 
 of Kyhidom, to the discomfiture of weaker dogs. But, dear 
 dogs, we must ALL, do our duty ; an occasion like the present 
 calls for sacrifice from every one. In this solemn hour, and face to 
 face with DUTY, let 7io one shirk to do his uttermost share in aid 
 of the Common Cause. In this solemn Crisis, we cannot all go to 
 the field ; some tnust remain at home ; but whether we go to 
 the field or remain at home, each can nobly bear his part. We 
 are not equally gifted ; some have the teeth and the claws, and 
 some have the Means ; we need both equally ; the Means with- 
 out the teeth and claws, is utterly iiseless, the teeth and claw^s 
 without the Means can do but little, but with both united and 
 the Blessing of God, all things are possible. We have the 
 Means and yon have the teeth and claws ; let us then, with an 
 eye single to the glory of Our Common Country, join our gifts 
 in a Common Sacrifice and lay them both on our Country's 
 
16 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 Altar ; ye shall, with your teeth and claws, go to the fight, and 
 we will stay home and find the Means to send you and main- 
 tain you in the fight ; and ye can repay us when ye come back ; 
 but if ye come not back, why then, your children, and your chil- 
 dren's children can repay us. We will not be hard upon you, 
 we will Loan the Means, we will Advance it, and we will call 
 it }-our DEBT which ye may owe forever and ever, provided 
 ye or your children pay us a little for it every year. 
 
 ' ' Then go to the war, good dogs, and the Lord be with you, 
 and we will sta}- home with the Lord and Manage the country 
 for you." 
 
 And all the dogs gnashed their newly sharpened teeth and 
 howled again, "Down with the Canisvillians," " God save our 
 Noble Fleas," and " Long live King Gorgeous Littlehead Flea." 
 
 But when they arrived in the land of the Canisvillians, and 
 proceeded, with the Blessing of God, to tear out their eyes and 
 their bowels, those Canisville dogs also showed surprisingly 
 large teeth and dreadfully sharp and strong claws ; whereupon 
 the blessing of God did go over to their side, and they did 
 amazingly wallop the life out of the Kyhidom dogs, insomuch 
 that all that were not dead ran howling down to the pond and 
 swam away home, and did no more venture to come back. 
 
 Then did the dogs of Canisville feel highly elated at having 
 walloped the dogs of Kyhidom, and kept on barking and bark- 
 ing about their victor}-, and sa3-ing they could do it again, and 
 they wished some of those Kyhis would come back again to be 
 walloped. All which great joy and elation their own native 
 fleas, being fleas of subtlety, did turn to their own profit; for 
 they, seeing that dogs always like to be pushed in the way they 
 want to go, ordained certain Remembrance Days to be observed 
 through all the land, on which days the dogs should have flat- 
 tering looking glasses held up to them, should be sung to and 
 made poetry to, and orated at, and have incense burned for the 
 gratification of their nostrils. There was "Defiance to Kyhi- 
 dom Day," and "The Awful Walloping Day," and " Kyhi 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FlEAS. l"? 
 
 Skedaddle Day," and " Get-Along-all-by-Ourselves Day," and 
 "Slain Dogs Day" and a host of other Days on which the 
 dogs told one another and the fleas told them what grand, 
 noble and gloriously independent dogs they were, that would 
 never, no never, endure the tyrant on their soil, or suffer any 
 bobtailed, measly, foreign dog to boss it over them. 
 
 And it was so that they grew so ineffably conceited and vain, 
 by reason of eternally Remembering themselves and admiring 
 their own features, that they quite forgot the fleas on their own 
 backs. So the fleas had good fat times and were little disturbed; 
 and in the inmost sanctuary of their own private gatherings 
 they did knowingly wink the eye and say that for enabling 
 dogs to Forget their own Rights the Remejubrance Days beat 
 all Creation. 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 Unprofitabi^e Victory. — Pi^ague of Fi.eas. — Desperate 
 Condition of the Dogs. 
 
 .0\v tue poor fool dogs of Cauisville 
 had been told by their own 
 fleas that victory over the 
 wicked dogs of Kyhidom 
 meant Freedom , Liberty, 
 Equality, Fraternity, Pros- 
 perity, Universal Wealth, 
 , <, . Heaven, to themselves ; and 
 ' ' they believed them. But it 
 did not. On the contrary, 
 Freedom, Liberty, Equality, 
 etc., etc., gradually vanished 
 like a setting sun, and a great 
 plague of itch came upou all the dogs ; and from the rising of 
 the sun until the going down thereof, and until his rising again, 
 the dogs scratched and scratched and abraded themselves against 
 walls and posts, and howled and barked and barked and barked 
 about the " Good old times " when all dogs were healthy and 
 lustrous of coat. 
 
 And the dogs grew thin and lank and mangy looking. Their 
 eyes grew lustreless, and their ribs could be counted 1)y the 
 naked eye at quite a distance. Their ears hung down ; their 
 spirit departed ; and only when some specially venomous flea 
 gave a dog a specially venomous nip did he awake from his 
 listlessness ; with a quick explosive yelp he would suddenly 
 flop on the ground and cause his hind leg to vibrate with the 
 rapidity of a suddenly released spring. 
 
 18 
 
fHE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 19 
 
 But as for the fleas they prospered in an inverse ratio to the 
 dogs. All the qualities of the dogs seemed to be transferred to 
 them. As the dogs grew thin the fleas grew fat and plump. 
 As the dogs grew listless the fleas grew lively. As a total 
 aggregate of dog and flea there seemed to be no loss of volume ; 
 for what one lost the other seemed to gain. The average of 
 blood, vitality and energy seemed about as before ; and to the 
 outside spectator, it made no difference ; but it was another 
 matter entirely with the constituent parts ; for the only part of 
 
 this society that was abundantly satisfied was the fleas, and the 
 only part that was not at all satisfied was the dogs. 
 
 And it came to pass that the dogs became possessed, seemingly, 
 of a desire to work harder. Everyone now frenziedly tore 
 around, scratching in gutters for any kind of dirty eatables, 
 nosing in garbage barrels and keeping up an incessant trot in 
 search of something to eat. Moreover they seemed to become 
 possessed of the de\nl. Their tempers went sour, and they seemed 
 to be perpetuall}' on the hunt for a fight. Let but one dog 
 be found munching a bone, and instantly half a dozen others, 
 
20 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 with growls, would rush upon him and compel him to let go, 
 only to snarl, and rage and battle for it amongst themselves ; 
 from which conflict several would emerge bleeding, torn and 
 ragged. And the more they fought and squabbled for bones 
 and scraps, the scarcer the bones and scraps seemed to grow. 
 
 The dogs were always hungry, and in spite of their utmost 
 efforts many fell by the wayside and died of starvation ; and the 
 wail of the hungry ones nightly went up to heaven. 
 
 Why was all this ? Nobody seemed to know, save a few old 
 fogy dogs who remembered the good time of the reign of the 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 21 
 
 departed chieftain, Bull McMastiflf. They said that there were 
 as many bones and scraps in the community as ever there were ; 
 yea, that there were more than ten times as many as in McMas- 
 tifF's reign. They said that the real reason was that every dog 
 had become so thickly settled with fleas, that, no matter how 
 hard and how many hours a day he hunted for food, he could 
 never get enough to nourish himself, because the fleas he carried 
 ate hint tip and so continually sucked his blood, that they kept 
 him always thin and on the very edge of starvation. Said they : 
 
 " Behold the fleas ; they toil not, neither do they spin, neither 
 do they hunt after bones, nor do any manner of work on the 
 Sabbath, nor on any other day, for a living ; and yet, verily, not 
 a dog in all his plumpness in the good old times, was half so 
 plump as one of these. Behold how easy be the times these 
 suckers have ; the body which maintains them carries them 
 around, and is, in all respects, their most humljle and obedient 
 servant." 
 
 But the bare-ribbed, hungry and flea-ridden mob of dogs 
 derided these wise old stagers and mockingly cried out to them, 
 "Go up, ye bald heads ; what do ye know about these things? " 
 "Shut up your jaw ! " " Pull down your vest ! " " Shoot them 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FI.EAS. 
 
 teeth!'' and other such ribald remarks. Therefore the wise 
 old dogs did shut up, aud did no more try the impossible job of 
 teaching fools. And in a few more years they drew up their 
 feet and gave up the ghost ; and the community had rest from 
 theii unwelcome prophesying. 
 
 But the miseries of the dogs did not abate zvith (he death of 
 those who told them what the matter was. Every day the police 
 dogs reported that they had discovered another one either dying 
 or dead of starvation ; aud then the dogs ran together and called 
 a confab, which they named an "inquest." And the "inquest " 
 was a solemn ceremony where a dozen or more dogs, each blind 
 in one eye, headed by another dog called a "Coroner" — also 
 
 blind in one eye and weak in the other — looked the dead dog all 
 over and then said : " Natural causes ; " " Visitation of God ; " 
 "Anaemia;" "Atrophy;" " Cardialgia ; " ''Vacuity of the 
 
THE DOGS AND THE Fl,EAS. 23 
 
 Alimentary Canal,'' and then ordered somebody to bury him in 
 the sacred place of dogs called the " Field of the Potter." 
 
 But it was several times noticed that no "inquest " was ever 
 held over a flea. When a flea died he was always in bed, sur- 
 rounded by a coming and going host of his sorrowing pulician 
 friends, and attended by a peculiar set of creatures called 
 "Emdees." who did all they could to retard his death. And 
 when he was dead they all signed an elaborately ornamented 
 paper called a "certificate," which set forth that the "late 
 lamented" sucker had "deceased" and "passed away" and 
 "gone to Heaven" by reason of the highly respectable com- 
 plaint known as "Abnormal Enlargement of the Paunch," and 
 recommended him to the gracious notice and distinguished con- 
 sideration of the angels. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Piety's Phii,osophy of Poverty. — Andronicus Carniv- 
 orous AND HIS Glory. 
 
 RINGS went from 
 bad to worse among 
 the dogs. It became 
 the universal thing for dogs to be hungry and coatless and to go 
 about weary, languid and sore distressed. 
 
 But what was worst of all, there was arising in the community 
 a sentiment that for dogs to be hungry, coatless, weary, languid 
 and sore distressed was the natural and normal condition ; that 
 this condition was ordained and fixed by some higher power 
 against which it was blasphemy to contend or even to murmur. 
 Yea, one poor fool of a dog, who said he had been to a place 
 called a "Church," where the fleas got together one day in 
 every seven to hear a renegade dog bark to them for a good 
 basketful of meat, got up and told them that he had seen the 
 said barking dog, whose name he thought, if he remembered 
 rightly, was Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, turn over the 
 leaves of some big book or other that lay on a costly cushion, 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 and then tell the fleas, in a very loud voice, that inside that big 
 book it was written, in big letters, that some very great person, 
 called Jesus, or some such name, did in a far-away country, a 
 very many hundreds of years ago, once say to some friends of his 
 "the poor ye have always with you," and that that meant that 
 it was and always would be God's will that dogs should be poor, 
 and lank, and hungry, and covered with fleas. And he said 
 that it was the evident design of God himself that dogs were 
 created expressly for the purpose of carrying and nourishing 
 
 fleas. That God, who had done all things well, had seen fit in 
 his wisdom to create for his own glory both dogs and fleas, in 
 order that the fleas, having sucked nearly all the blood out of 
 the dogs, might show their "Charity " in giving back to them a 
 few drops now and then. 
 
 And he told them a most beautiful and touching story of how 
 one Andronicus Carnivorous, a certain well-known sucker, who, 
 originally, came over the pond from North Kyhidom and 
 
26 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 settled amongst them, had grown monstrously big and strong 
 on the blood of poor dogs, after having sucked some scores of 
 millions of drops out of thousands of them, had on a certain day 
 before high heaven and the assembled priesthood, and with the 
 burning of incense and the applause of a great mob whose voice 
 was as the sound of many waters, most generously and magnifi- 
 cently given fifty thousand drops back again to be distributed 
 by a committee of lady fleas, amongst the " most worthy and 
 deser\'ing poor," and five hundred thousand drops more to the 
 "Church " to be expended on a new organ, a new, big, golden 
 cross on top of the steeple, and some windows of stained glass, 
 and a big brass plate in the most prominent part of the 
 "Church" stating for all posterity, the name of the great 
 sucker who gave it. All of which showed that the said emi- 
 nent sucker, although he did not, alas, and unfortunately, 
 believe in the God of the fleas, was a most pious saint, who 
 humbly regarded his great wealth as a trust, and was endeavor- 
 ing to give a good account of his stewardship. 
 
 And he told them what a great and brilliant light this Saint 
 Andronicus had shed over all the town and country of the 
 Canisvillians, and how, by his illustrious example he had shown 
 the only true and honorable way of getting up from nothing to 
 the highest pinnacle of wealthy comfort — which was by "organ- 
 izing " great bodies of dogs to build him a high pyramid of dy- 
 ing dogs for him to climb up and feed on as he climbed ; how 
 by his enormous diligence and ability in "acquiring" he had 
 come to own many mansions and palaces here below ; how by 
 strict methodical habits and careful husbanding of time he had 
 been able to snatch a few moments from his arduous duties of 
 trotting around from mansion and palace to palace and mansion 
 enjoying himself, to write beautiful sermons on the true way of 
 distributing the results of dog phlebotomy — it was, he said, to 
 take the blood of the dogs he had exhausted, and carry it many 
 miles away (from three to ten thousand) and there pour it out 
 into a long trough, and whistle to any and all dogs living there- 
 
THE DOGS AND fHfi I^LltAS. S7 
 
 abouts to come, without money and without price and lap it up. 
 "Thus," said he, "do I fulfill the great Natural Law of the 
 Circulation of the Blood ; the dogs who yield it see it no more, 
 and strange dogs who yield it not get it all — save the tribute I 
 take from it for the maintenance of me and mine. Thus do I 
 make brethren of all the world of dogs and all is well, and Saint 
 Andronicus is glorified." 
 
 He had also so far descended from his high glory as to write 
 by proxy a beautiful book of trashy platitudes, entitled ' ' Tri- 
 ixmphant Dogocracy " which set forth and proved that the dogs 
 of Canisville were the fattest, freest, happiest and most pros- 
 perous dogs in all the world, and that their fatness, freedom and 
 prosperity were all owing to the fact that, since the dri\'ing out 
 of the dogs of Kyhidom and the abolition of the sending of 
 blood over the pond to nourish the Absentee Fleas, and the 
 destruction of the system of 7iot allowi^ig dogs to consent to be- 
 ing bled by the fleas, they had established the self governing 
 system oi permitting them to cotisettt, and allowing the fleas to 
 go over the pond and take the dogs' blood with them. All 
 which demonstrated the glorious advantage of having abolished 
 the system of Tweedledum and of having established that of 
 Tweedledee. 
 
 Nev.rtheless the said most estimable Andronicus had been un- 
 fortunately compelled to allow sundry of his own dogs to receive 
 fatherly chastisement because they had become restive under 
 several extra bites he had proposed to give them for their good. 
 
 And the barking dog in peroration said, "Whom the Lord 
 loveth he chasteneth; even so hath Saint Andronicus done unto 
 those he loved, that they may not again err from the path of duty. " 
 
 And all the little dogs, who sat on the "free seats" all around 
 the "Church," wagged their little tails and barked pleasantly ; 
 and all the assembled fleas stroked their fat paunches con- 
 tentedly, and said that they had heard that morning a most 
 powerful gospel sermon, and that their salaried barker was a 
 true prophet of God. 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 The "BATTI.E of Life." — Pup McrooDi^E's Wicked Reign. 
 — Invention of the Protectivtarif. — How it was 
 Worked. — Construction of the Bi,ood and Bones 
 Grindery. — Singular Blood. 
 
 T last it came to pass 
 by reasou of having 
 forgotten that there 
 ever had been better 
 1^ days than they now 
 saw that the dogs grew 
 to believe that the 
 "^ state of things they 
 lived under was the 
 only true and nat- 
 • ural one. True, 
 they grew bad tem- 
 pered and fierce and 
 bit and tore one 
 another in their 
 daily "Battle of 
 Life." True, every 
 dog tried to snatch 
 "~'"^°^ the meat out of 
 
 every other dog's mouth, and true, many a dog was murdered for 
 the sake of any scrap of food he had succeeded in "saving up" 
 and had "put by for a rainy day." True, canine society had be- 
 come a hell upon earth, where every dog took for his motto, 
 " Every dog for himself, and the devil take the hindmost," but 
 not one among them ever dreamed of doubting that their state 
 
 38 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 29 
 
 was according to natural pre-ordination. Thus they came to 
 regard the rule of strength, crafl, cunning and good luck as the 
 proper one, because the only one ; and to this they squared 
 their lives and their philosophy. 
 
 Their chief, Pup McPoodle, " stood in " with the fleas, and on 
 condition that his own body should be free, he undertook to use 
 his power as chief to make it easier for them to suck the blood 
 of the rest of the community. He walked in more evil ways 
 than any evil dog that ever reigned before him. He revived all 
 the abominations of the heathen whom the Lord cast out, and 
 burnt incense unto strange gods and worshipped devils, and be- 
 ing tempted of these, he called a council of the hungriest and 
 thirstiest of the fleas, and they did devise and invent a wicked 
 instrument of torture called a " Protecti\-tarif." It was a ma- 
 chine having a nice bed on which a dog was laid, and an upper 
 portion called a " dooty " which was worked with a long handle 
 called a "government," which was invisible to all but the 
 operators, but which when properly operated brought down the 
 "dooty" upon the dog with variously regulated degrees of 
 squeeze and crush, ranging from twenty-five to one hundred 
 and fifty pounds per square inch, and which caused the dog to 
 howl and his blood to squirt out far more rapidly than the 
 fleas could extract it by ordinary suction. 
 
 But over the use of this instrument the fleas got to disagree- 
 ment and bickering. For there were those who said that the 
 higher pressures were destructive of profit to the fleas, as they 
 nearly killed the dog and prevented him making new blood ; 
 that the lower pressures alone were profitable economically. 
 But the others said, " No, the higher the pressure the better for 
 the dog ; " for they had invented a Rule-of-Contrary Magni- 
 fying Glass that had a most astonishing property, when looked 
 through, of making a dog appear bigger and plumper and more 
 prosperous, the more he was flattened out. Argufy as they 
 might, the Low Pressure fleas could not get the High Pres- 
 sure fleas to look at the squeezed dogs with the naked eye. 
 
30 THE DOCS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 For answer the High Pressurists rolled up their eyes most 
 piously and said that the invention of the Glass was the Gift of 
 God, sent down from Heaven to look at dogs with, and it would 
 never do to despise the Gift by blasphemously doing without it, 
 and looking at facts with siuful natural eyes. And the High 
 Pressurists did prevail in argument, for they were more powerful 
 than the Low Pressurists, and kept up the high pressure against 
 the protests of the Low Pressurists, so that many dogs had the 
 ghost squeezed out of them and died. 
 
 And then with the help of this instrument the fleas went off 
 and invented another called a " Trust," the wickedness of which 
 can only be fully expressed in Satanese. And other base dogs 
 seeing that the only way to get freedom themselves was to help 
 the fleas to suck the rest, went and licked the feet of McPoodle, 
 and became his courtiers and aided and abetted him in bringing 
 their fellow dogs under the power of the fleas. 
 
 Then did som^ of the biggest and fattest of the fleas gather 
 themselves together, and put their wits together to devise a 
 most wondrous scheme of prosperity to themselves. Said they, 
 " Lo ! These dogs be jackasses most foolish. They act not to- 
 gether, neither bark they in unison. Though they be exceed- 
 ing strong and we be but weak, zve can do just as we please 
 zaitli them, for we have wit and they have strength which they 
 know not how to use. We will put on them therefore 'as 
 much as they will bear.' We know how far we dare go ; and 
 if any out-of-date fool, with such a piece of antiquated old fur- 
 niture as a heart within him, shall dare to remonstrate with us 
 we will say, ' The dogs be damned.' " 
 
 And it was so that they ordered McPoodle to order his slaves 
 to build them a big Mill with a great, wide, deep hopper to it 
 which Mill was turned with a long Handle that went exceed- 
 ingly hard and creaky for want of oil. And McPoodle set a lot 
 of his courtier and lickspittle dogs called " Chuckersin " to 
 catch and chuck other dogs into the hopper ; and got a lot of 
 very hungry dogs for a promise of reward to turn the Handle 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 31 
 
 SO that the poor dogs thrown iu were ground up body and 
 bones, and their blood ran out by a big Spout into a big Tank 
 below, around which sat a large company of big fleas — who 
 called themselves "The Brethren," chief of whom was Andron- 
 icus Carnivorous — drinkiug blood by wholesale ; a method which 
 they said was a great improvement over the slow one of boring 
 for it with the old fashioned stiletto, and raising it with the 
 suction pump, and was much less laborious and more reliable. 
 
 This blood was of a very peculiar appearance, for its corpuscles 
 were very large and quite visible to the naked eye. They were 
 disk shaped, and when held up to the light showed most singular 
 markings on both sides. On one side there seemed to be the 
 figure of a head and bust of a female of the human species, hav- 
 ing on a ridiculous looking night cap, on which was the word 
 " Liberty," and on the other side of the disk were some words 
 that the learned said were " In God we Trust," the meaning of 
 which nobody was able to make out. How the corpuscles came 
 to have those strange markings nobody knew, but a few of 
 the more daring hazarded the conjecture that they were due to 
 a surviving taint in the blood of some old time religion that had 
 gone out of fashion and been forgotten. But the greedy drinkers 
 of the blood said these peculiarities did not at all derogate from 
 the goodness of the flavor of it, 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Weariness of the Grinders.— Growing 
 Greed of the Monstrous Fi^eas.— 
 Conundrums. — The Sanguinometer. 
 —Pharaoh Phrioue. — Strike of the 
 Dogs. — Their Defeat. — Groaning 
 FOR A Savior. 
 
 ■ OW the dogs did grind and sweat eighteen 
 hours a day at the Mill, and the fleas around the Tank at the 
 bottom had high old times, and said that the lines had fallen 
 unto them in pleasant places and they had a goodly heritage. 
 But they were very considerate of the dogs at the Handle, and 
 to reward them for their grinding, did smear a little spoon quite 
 liberally with the Blood in the Tank, and did send up the spoon 
 for them to lick, but with strict injunctions that they were to 
 regard the gift as something to be thankful for, in that Capital 
 
 33 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 33 
 
 had condescended to set up a Mill in their midst and had vouch- 
 safed to give them employment at the Handle thereof; and they 
 added the further injunction that they were not to stop turning 
 the Handle, but to lick the spoon as they turned. 
 
 But the dogs did frequently grow weary, and often one would 
 fall down fainting: whereupon the fleas ordered the chuckers-in 
 to chuck him into the hopper and run for another to take bis 
 place at the Handle, which caused the other Handle turners to 
 turn with double diligence, in the deadly fear of being thrown 
 in themselves. But the fleas who sat below and drank the 
 Blood grew bigger and bigger and bigger, until they were all 
 paunch ; so big and fat and full did they become that their skins 
 glistened with very tightness ; and had some one pricked them 
 with a pin, they would have exploded with a loud report. But 
 the fuller and tighter they grew the more savagely and fero 
 ciously hungry did they grow ; and when the dogs grew weary 
 at the Handle and the Stream of Blood slowed down slightly, 
 they sent up fierce messages to them wanting to know why the 
 Satan they didn't turn, and what in the Everlasting Profundo 
 they meant by it, and did they not know that they were cheat- 
 ing and robbing their masters ; and what were dogs coming to 
 nowadays, anyway? 
 
 To all of which deep conundrums the dogs could find no 
 answer but to wake up and grind with hysteric fury ; and the 
 more furious grinding gave a temporarily thicker stream of 
 Blood below, which only whetted the appetite of the fleas, so 
 that the thicker Stream had then to be kept up, otherwise the 
 fleas did send up the savage conundrums to the dogs at the 
 Handle. 
 
 At last, however, the dogs became so faint with the unrequited 
 turning that the Stream very greatly slowed down, which very 
 greatly quickened up the anger of the Brethren, who not only 
 sent up doubly savage conundrums, but an announcement that 
 they were losing terribly in their income ; that instead of being 
 very full and very tight, they were merely full, and were going 
 
34 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 rapidly down hill to bankruptcy and ruin ; and that they really, 
 out of simple justice to themselves, could not afford to smear 
 the little spoon so liberally ; but would be compelled in future 
 to smear it according to an instrument called a "Sliding Scale 
 Readjuster," — a new Sanguinometer, the invention of Saint 
 Andronicus Carnivorous and Pharaoh Phrique, two very em- 
 inent Brethren — which, when put under the Stream, showed 
 with the utmost accuracy, when and how much the allowance 
 to the Handle turners must be reduced. 
 
 This marvelous and unique instrument had two faces, one of 
 which was towards the Brethren around the Tank and the other 
 towards the grinders at the Handle. On that facing the fleas 
 was registered only the rise of the stream, and on that facing 
 the grinders were registered only the downward fluctuations oj 
 the rise. The readings of this impartial instrument, said the 
 fleas, should determine the rise and fall of the allowance to the 
 Handle turners ; whenever the reading showed a rise, the wages 
 should go ?//>, but whenever the reading showed a fall the 
 wages should go doiv)i. But as the register of the rise was al- 
 ways invisible to the dogs, and the fleas were scrupulously dumb 
 as to what they saw, the Sanguinometer never showed a rise, 
 but always the downward fluctuations ; therefore the licks at 
 the spoon were always reduced. So the dogs did groan by 
 reason of the Sanguinometer. 
 
 Moreover, the fleas, having given ear unto the wise counsel of 
 Pharaoh Phrique and Saint Andronicus (who said, however, 
 that he was a modest flea and a flea of reputation, and did not 
 want the honor of appearing in the matter), issued an edict that 
 henceforth each and everj- dog that had the gracious privilege 
 of being allowed to help turn the Handle must, on entering the 
 service, cut off two toes and throw them into the hopper, as an 
 initiation fee and an evidence of good faith towards the com- 
 pany below, said two toes or their equivalent to be returned to 
 the depositor when he left the service at the Handle— if he ever 
 did. 
 
The dogs and the fleas. 35 
 
 At which the dogs lifted up their voices aud wept sore ; but 
 weeping did not save them ; for the fleas told the chuckers-in 
 to tell the grinders that there were crowds of hungry dogs 
 around the corner, standing ready and anxious to take their 
 places at the Handle and willing to give three toes for the priv- 
 ilege. Which was all true ; for in spite of the awful hunger of 
 the dogs at the Handle, and their common fate of dropping 
 down faint and being thrown into the hopper, there were hun- 
 dreds of pinched and meagre dogs, who sat around on their 
 haunches casting covetous and envious glances at the workers, 
 and hoping to see some fall ; yea, so eagerly anxious were they 
 for a chance at the Handle, to earn a little lick at the spoon, 
 that when they saw one growing faint and ready to fall, they 
 would all rush forward and fight amongst themselves to be first 
 to be taken on by the chuckers-in ; and it became the common 
 practice of almost everyone to creep up behind any fainting dog 
 and slyly pinch his tail or bite his leg, in order to make him 
 faint quicker and let go of the Handle. 
 
 So the grinding dogs, finding themselves helpless, did cut off 
 two toes and fling them into the hopper, and ground and 
 groaned and wept, and got their little lick at the smeared spoon, 
 and fainted by scores, and were mercilessly flung into the 
 hopper. And the Brethren around the Tank grew bigger and 
 fuller aud tighter every day ; and as the Stream grew thicker 
 and thicker, they grew more querulous and angry at the pesky 
 laziness of good-for-nothing dogs that could not be encouraged 
 to diligence, no, not by "good wages" and a steady position at 
 the Handle ; and they sent up more savage conundrums, want- 
 ing to know why the two Satans they didn't turn, and what in 
 the two Everlasting Profundos they meant by robbing and 
 cheating their masters and driving them to bankruptcy ? 
 
 To all of which the dogs at the Handle replied that they had 
 reached the limit of canine endurance, and would stop the turn- 
 ing of the Handle unless the company of Brethren would raise 
 their allowance of blood to the standard of the old liberal smear- 
 
36 
 
'THt D6GS AND YHK PLKAS. &t 
 
 ing of the little spoon, and abolish the requisition of two toes to 
 the hopper. To which the fleas angrily made reply that the 
 dogs at the Handle might all go to the bottom of the Everlast- 
 ingist Profundo, for they would put other more docile and 
 appreciative dogs at the Handle. 
 
 Whereupon the dogs struck, and the Handle came to rest, 
 and the Elood Stream stopped. But the fleas sat patiently 
 around the Tank and leisurely drank themselves full, and sent 
 for the other hungry dogs that anxiously sat around ; and the 
 other dogs did come, and were set upon and worried and 
 wounded by the original grinders. But the chuckers-in and 
 the police dogs did help the new dogs and slew divers of the 
 first Handle turners and finally routed them. Then did the 
 first Handle turners go meekly crawling on their bellies to the 
 company of the fleas, and humbly confess their sins and beg to 
 be reinstated at the Handle. But the company deigned not to 
 speak unto them, but sent out unto them Brother Pharaoh 
 Phrique, who lifted up his nose high in the air, and said unto 
 them : "Well ; what will ye ?" And the dogs cast down their 
 eyes and hugged the dust with their bellies and answered : 
 "That thy bondservants may find favor in thy sight and be rein- 
 stated at the Handle." But Pharaoh's heart was hardened like 
 unto armor plate, and he said : "Not so, ye wicked dogs ; faith- 
 less and perverse generation of dogs, despisers of our goodness 
 and mercy ; ye shall in no wise return to your positions at the 
 Handle, save and unless ye shall be content to receive as wages 
 no more Blood than can be carried upon the point of a needle, 
 and shall first contribute five toes to the hopper, and execute a 
 contract to fling into the Mill all the little bow-wows that shall 
 henceforth be born unto you." 
 
 And all the dogs, with sighs and wailing and grevious lamen- 
 tations, did consent, and went and turned the Handle and 
 groaned for a Savior. 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 The Great Idea. — Combination to Agree. — The White 
 Label. — "Lengthen the Handle." — Formation of the 
 White Leg Association. — Gracious Reception of the 
 Idea by the Monstrous Fleas. 
 
 IT came to pass one day when the 
 Handle went more heavily than 
 usual, that one dog was seen to 
 jump up from his work with a 
 yelp as though bitten by ten 
 thousand fleas all at once. His 
 ^ eyes rolled in a fine frenzy ; he 
 ' rolled over and over on the ground 
 and turned somersaults by the 
 dozen. All the dogs at the 
 Handle were temporarily para- 
 lyzed with consternation, and 
 dropped work to inquire what 
 was amiss. "What's the mat- 
 ' said one of the crowd to 
 nni ; but he only yelped the 
 harder and turned more somer- 
 saults. "He's gone crazy with 
 hunger," said they; "we must 
 put him in the madhouse ; ' ' and 
 they seized him by the ears and the tail for to take him there ; 
 which caused him suddenly to come back to sobriety. 
 
 " Brethren," said he, " while turning at that infernal Handle 
 I was suddenly seized with an Idea. It is a grand Idea ; it is 
 none other than how we may ameliorate the cruel lot of the 
 grinders at the Handle and raise our wages." 
 
 38 
 
 ^\^ - ^ hil 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 89 
 
 " Raise our wages ? " they all cried in astonishment, letting 
 go of the Handle. " Oh tell us how, and tell us quickly." 
 
 " Well," said he, "you see, it stands to Common Sense that 
 if all dogs would combine and agree not to turn that Handle for 
 less than so much a day, those big bloats would have to give it 
 us or suffer the cessation of the Stream." 
 
 "That's so; so it is," cried the other dogs in astonishment; 
 " we never thought of that ; why, that must be one of those 
 Revelations, those deep abstrusities which the philosophers call 
 ' Axioms ' — self-evident truths. And only to think it was 
 given to a common dog to make the discovery ! But canst thou 
 tell us, oh wonderful discoverer, how we may all combine, with 
 all those other dogs around us who cannot get a chance at the 
 Handle? That is_ a problem, beside the complexity of which 
 the Great Truth is simplicity itself" 
 
 "Oh, ye simpletons," said the dog with the Idea, "these 
 things are hidden from the wise and prudent and are revealed 
 unto pups. The thing is self-evidently simple. All we require 
 is simply that all dogs shall agree.'' 
 
 " But," said the other dogs, " how art thou going to get th^ 
 outside dogs to agree not to turn except for so nmch, when now 
 they neither turn nor get a lick ; it is simply asking a dog to 
 abstain from doing what he hasn't done, and is not going to do. 
 The agreement can only interest those at the Handle, while it 
 does not interest the others who want to be there but cannot 
 get there." 
 
 "Well," said the dog with the Idea, "we at the Handle must 
 keep up our wages, anyhow; so I propose thafw.? make the 
 agreement and that, as a mark to be known by, each dog that 
 agrees, have a white label bound on his right hind leg ; and we 
 will further agree that whomsoever has not on the ' White 
 Label ' shall be called a Black Leg and be worried and cast away 
 from the Handle." 
 
 But there arose another dog, and said he had an Idea, too, that 
 was much better. Said he : " Suppose all of us do adopt the 
 
46 The dogs and the fleas. 
 
 White Label, and do live up to the solemn agreement — which 
 is not probable — what will it avail us to worry and cast away from 
 the Handle all those that have not the White Label, when there 
 are so many more dogs who through hunger will jump in to 
 take their places? We can' i worry them all. My Idea is to 
 lengthen the Handle so that all the unemployed dogs can catch 
 on and help to turn." 
 
 But some said, " What good would that do? You could not 
 make it long enough to give every dog a place ; and besides, the 
 the Handle belongs to the Mill, and the Mill belongs to the 
 fleas, and they won't permit it to be lengthened, so that 
 settles it." 
 
 " Well, then," replied the other dog, "let us agree to work 
 fewer hours so as to put some of the unemployed at the Handle ; 
 average things, as to speak." 
 
 " Bow-wow wow-wow ! " barked all the other dogs in chorus. 
 "What! Put ourselves on half time for unemployed dogs! 
 Why, we don't make a living as it is on full time. Thou art no 
 friend of ours. Want us to reduce our wages, do you ? Out 
 with him ! " And they worried hun and cast him out. 
 
 And it was so that they did agree ; and each dog did bind on 
 his right hind leg a White Label and they called themselves the 
 Great United Order of White Legged Handle Turners, and 
 called themselves " White Legs" for short. 
 
 By this time the big bloats around the Tank, having perceived 
 that the Mill was going very slowly on account of the grinders' 
 attention being taken up with the Agreement, sent up to them 
 a terrible conundrum wanting to know why the half-a-dozen 
 Satans they didn't grind, and what in half-a-dozen Everlasting 
 Profundos they meant by robbing their employers by such 
 laziness. 
 
 But when it was told them that the grinders had been taking 
 a recess to hold a mysterious confab, and that all the Handle 
 Turners had white badges on their right hind legs, they called 
 down several of the dogs and demanded of them what this new 
 
¥he dogs and the fleas. 41 
 
 thing should meau ? And one of the dogs meekly answered 
 that they had formed an Association of White Legs, and that 
 the purpose of the said Association was to petition the big fleas 
 at the Tank to raise their allowance of blood to the old standard 
 of the good licks at the liberally smeared spoon, when they first 
 began to turn the Handle. 
 
 And the big fleas said that was all right, and it did them great 
 credit to wish to better their condition, and that provided they 
 confined their efforts to mutual help, and to making their mem^ 
 bers more honest, industrious and well behaved, and to im^ 
 proving their minds in their leisure hours, and didn't go to 
 demanding more blood, but left the raisiug of their allowance 
 entirely to the good judgment and good-heartedness of their 
 employers, and didn't go to violating the inalienable rights of 
 their employers to shove away from the Handle any objection- 
 able dog, or the inalienable rights of the unlabelled dogs to take 
 their places at the Handle and to make free contracts as free- 
 born dogs should, and didn't conspire to incite to breaches of 
 the Blood and Bones Grinding Laws, but confined themselves 
 to peaceful methods and the use of moral suasion, why, they 
 would have their hearty good wishes for their prosperity, and 
 everything would be lovely. 
 
 So the dogs returned to their fellows and reported the gracious 
 reception they had met with, and all the White Legs rejoiced 
 and went back to their grinding with a will and with new hopes 
 in their hearts. But though the dogs turned for many days, 
 they found things go on just as usual ; they turned and ground 
 and fainted and were thrown into the hopper, but their allow- 
 ance was not raised, although they sent down many humble 
 petitions to the fleas to raise it. 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Barren Hopes. — The Handi^e Tied up.— Defeat of the 
 White Legs by the Bi,ack I^egs and the Pink Eved 
 
 Dogs. — Invention of 
 THE Wii.1, op the 
 Dogs Expresser. — 
 The Invention Gra- 
 ciously Accepted by 
 THE Fleas. — San- 
 guine Hopes. 
 
 J O at last the White Leg dogs, 
 
 weary unto death with wait- 
 
 for the fruit which came not on the 
 
 barren fig tree of the big fleas' "hearty 
 
 good wishes," resolved that they would 
 
 demand a larger allowance. 
 
 Therefore they sent down some of the 
 big and bold dogs, to tell the fleas around 
 the Tank that unless they would restore 
 their allowance to what it was at first, and abolish the contribu- 
 tion of toes, and the chucking in of fainting dogs, and would 
 grease the bearings of the Handle, and reduce the number of 
 their working hours, and refuse to employ any dog that had 
 not on the White Label, and would do and not do, many 
 other things most astonishing to the fleas, the dogs would all 
 take their White Labels and twist them all together into a most 
 unbreakable rope, and therewith tie up the Handle with such 
 unheard-of and untieable knots, that nobody on earth save the 
 White Legs, would be able to release it. Whereupon the Mill 
 would stop, and the Stream would dry up, and the fleas would 
 collapse, and other great miseries would come upon them. 
 
 4:i 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 43 
 
 Therefore it behooved them to listen to reason, and grant their 
 reasonable requests ere it were too late, and the Handle were 
 tied up. 
 
 But the fleas showed no alarm and went on filling themselves. 
 They simply turned towards Pharaoh Phrique, and said : 
 "Brother Phrique, thou art learned in all the learning of the 
 Egyptian taskmasters. Thou art a skillful hide skinner and 
 dog walloper, and well versed in the secret art of squelching 
 insolence and ill behavior. Thou wast our trusty counsel in 
 our late fight with these dogs, before they got this White Label 
 craze, and thou didst bring us through it with honor and divi- 
 dends. Thou wast our High Tower, our Shield and Hiding 
 Place, whereunto we ran and were safe — all save our beloved 
 Andronicus Carnivorous, who gat himself over the pond for hid- 
 ing. We trust thee ; deal with them as seemeth thee good. " 
 
 So Pharaoh hardened his heart as aforetime, and spake thus 
 unto the dogs : "Dogs that ye are ; insolent despisers of your 
 precious privileges. I chastened you once before, thinking to 
 bring your erring feet into the path of duty and wisdom. But 
 ye are a stiff-necked and perverse generation. Ye have heaped 
 sin upon sin. Not content with having tried to rob us before, 
 ye have formed a Union, which is to commit the Unpardonable 
 Sin. Get out of this, therefore ; vamose the ranch ; put ; scoot ; 
 absquatulate ; skedaddle, and make yourselves scarce ; for I 
 swear that even as our brother Webbfoot and Brother Gold Jay, 
 and other of our brethren did chastise their dogs once, I will 
 chastise you. Yea, I will so grind and crush you that the 
 whole world shall hear the sound thereof, for I, Pharaoh 
 Phrique, have said it. Tie up the Handle with your rope of 
 White Labels ; it shall be unto me as tow burnt with the fire ; 
 for I will dissolve your Union and scatter the members thereof, 
 and give your heritage unto the Unlabeled and more obedient 
 Black Legs. Git !" And he drove them from his presence. 
 
 But the dogs did tie up the Handle, and the Mill did stop, 
 and some of the catastrophes foretold did happen. But Pharaoh 
 
44 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE PLEAS. 
 
 Phrique whistled to the Black Legs to come and gnaw the rope. 
 And he went by night down to a secret place in Canisville, called 
 the Devil's Cheap Bargain Counter, where certain lewd and 
 ferocious dogs of the baser sort, which had Pink Eyes that could 
 not bear the sunshine, did for a few scraps 
 of dirty bread and meat, hire themselves out 
 on foggy and moonless nights to worry and 
 kill any other dogs that were objectionable 
 to the fleas ; and he paid them handsomely to 
 go by night and secretly get behind the 
 _'>^ White Legs and tear them to pieces. 
 
 And there was a great fight. The hun- 
 gry Black Legs fought to untie the Han- 
 dle, and the Devil's Pink Eyed Cheap 
 Bargain Counter Dogs helped them. 
 And so it came to pass that the White 
 Legs were driven away; and some hastened to pull off the White 
 Labels and mingle with the Black Legs, and scrambled to get 
 back to the Handle. 
 
 And at the going down of the sun the rope was broken ; and 
 the handle, untied, was going like mad. And Pharaoh Phrique 
 and the Brethren were holding a praise meeting around the 
 Tank, and giving God thanks that He had so signally made 
 bare His mighty arm and scattered their enemies, who had 
 come so near breaking up the Foundations of Society. 
 
 So the poor dogs, with broken hearts and broken hopes, did 
 grind on and on for many days, and the victory of the Mon- 
 strous Fleas seemed to be complete. 
 
 It came to pass, however, that a new hope sprang up among 
 the toilers at the Handle. Owing to their incessant occupation 
 during their long days, they had no leisure to think, but they 
 gathered together duriug the short night to growl and snarl, 
 and damn things in general and greedy fleas in particular. 
 They schemed and plotted many remedies which all came to 
 naught. 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FI.EAS. ^» 
 
 But one night, one of the dogs that had a big head and looied 
 
 tohavewisdon, got up and said: "Brethren, I do percewe 
 
 hat an these violent n>ethods of rertify.ng ""JJ^S^'^J'^ 
 
 NOW, I pray yon, ^o'^^^^^:' ^JZl^eT'X r /e tL'r 
 few why then are we not tbeir masierb. ^^ ^ 
 
 av'es ^ I know that fleas have been divinely ordained to find 
 us employment, and dogs to serve themin ^^e Fear of God 
 for even so hath the much-salaned barker m the Church ot 
 Se Fleas -the great Reverend Tee de Little ^^^ B^athersk^t 
 told us and he knoweth a thing or two about God s pur 
 ~ses But as the same much-salaried barker also sa.th, they 
 were ordained to be kind to us and treat us w.th justice and 
 Tercy But brethren, ve know that they do treat us mos 
 
 devufshly Now all thi's comes to pass because they do not 
 devilishly, r^ow, ^^^^^ ^^^^^_ 
 
 ^"iZsZ::! iri^rthrTn; if we had some regular and 
 orderly method of telling them how many we are, and wha 
 we tlk of them, they would surely give heed unto our 
 Tries and demands, for we are many-very many. If we 
 conld authoritatively -««//--7«/.-z.^y, ^-^^-"' - ^ J,", 
 them our Will, they would surely ameliorate our lot and treat 
 usTith generosity And when they have once been m^ e to 
 know what is the Expressed Will of the Dogs they will see 
 that't is Public Opinion and will bow to it. Thus, uiy breth- 
 
 ^^rdlnle'o^h'e^Ss arose on their hind legs and cried in a 
 grfat chorus: "It is an Inspiration, it is an Inspiration, it 
 
 "Ttthrif Teing that his idea was well received, was 
 encot dtS;:::^, "Brethren, this idea is far better than 
 the Wh!te Label idea, or that of lengthening the Handle 
 Thosrmethods are merely empirical nostrums and expedients 
 but this is a radical remedy and a perfect cure. Now behoM 
 the application of it. I have ^-ented a device jh.h ^ call 
 the "Will of the Dogs Expresser." It is a Uttie dox 
 
46 THE DOGS AND THR FLKAS. 
 
 little slot in the top thereof, and hath a bottom that opeueth by 
 way of a little trap door into a long shute, I propose to fix up 
 the slotted box right near the Handle of the Mill (with the 
 sanction, of course, of the owners thereof) so that the long shute 
 shall reach right down to where the big fleas sit. And it shall 
 be that on certain days (by permission of the fleas) every dog 
 shall receive a little strip of paper on which he shall write his 
 Will (if he have one), and shall fold it up and drop it through 
 the little slot into the little box. And it shall be that when the 
 little box is full some one shall pull down the little trap door 
 in the bottom thereof, when the load of papers shall go in a 
 thundering avalanche down the shute into the midst of the fleas 
 around the Tank, and they shall know that the Will of the 
 Dogs Expresser hath spoken. Then shall the fleas sort out the 
 bits of paper, and it shall be that if there be more bits of paper 
 that will one thing, than there are that will another thing, then 
 the thing willed on the greater number shall be done. Thus 
 ye see, my brethren, we may will whatsoever we will, and the 
 greater will shall be done. Therefore brethren, whatsoever 
 evils we suffer for the future, will be all due to our own fault." 
 And all the dogs approved the plan, and sent a committee 
 down next day to the fleas to see if they had any objections to 
 the new invention. And to the delight of the dogs, the big fleas 
 said they thought it an excellent idea, that reflected great credit 
 on the inventor thereof, and he ought to be rewarded by 
 appointment to the place of Chucker-in-in-Chief at the hopper, 
 and they thought the plan would be a very healthy form of 
 amusement for the dogs, and would tend to Good Order and the 
 Stability of Institutions, and they wished all success to the 
 Expresser. Furthermore, they graciously offered to do the 
 rc««//«^ of the papers at the bottom of the shute; and they 
 even went so far as to graciously condescend to be the Public 
 Servants of the dogs at the Handle, and do anything the dogs, 
 by their Expresser, might order them to do, saying that, seeing 
 fleas had all wealth and leisure and power and respectability. 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 47 
 
 none could be so fit to carry out effectively the Will of the 
 Dogs. 
 
 But what astounded the dogs with an astonishment that 
 struck them blind and dumb, was that the fleas begged the dogs 
 to allow them the privilege of becoming their Equals on the 
 great Paper Dropping Day, and drop their little Wills into the 
 little box with the little slot in it. 
 
 So the committee returned and reported the gracious way in 
 which they had been received, the wonderful affability of the 
 fleas, and their condescension in offering themselves as the Ser- 
 vants of the dogs. 
 
 Whereupon the dogs did rejoice with exceeding great joy 
 that they had at last found a Sovereign Remedy for their sor- 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 How THE WiLI, OF THE DOGS EXPRESSER WORKED.— ThE 
 
 Solemn Mummery Committee.— How it Inquired very 
 Extensively into the Condition of the Dogs.— Quar- 
 rel Between the 
 High Pressure 
 Nighuntos and 
 Low Pressure Far- 
 aways.-wonderful 
 Double Back Ac- 
 tion OF the Little 
 Box WITH the 
 Little Slot in it. 
 
 ^^t V'-N ^,J box A 
 
 the dogs set up the little 
 I the little slot in it ; and 
 ipou a day appointed they went 
 every one and dropped into it little 
 papers, upon some of which was written that the fleas must in- 
 quire into the hard condition of the dogs, with a view to amelior- 
 ating it ; and on some it was written that the fleas need not 
 inquire into their condition, with a view, etc., for there were 
 some dogs that were afraid to have a Will, lest it should be 
 known that they had expressed it and should be discharged 
 from the Handle. 
 
 So when all the papers had been dropped through the slot 
 ^nd the box was full, the trap in the bottom thereof was pulled, 
 
 48 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 49 
 
 and the load of papers went down in a thundering avalanche by 
 the shute into the midst of the fleas. And the fleas sorted them 
 and counted them, and one arose and said, "Oyez ! Oyez ! the 
 Will of the Dogs Expresser hath spoken and there is a Great 
 Majority ; and the Great Majority commandeth that we, as 
 their Public Servants, do forthwith inquire into the hard con- 
 dition of the dogs at the Handle, with a view to ameliorating it. 
 
 We must therefore bow to the Mandate, and look into their 
 condition, with a view, etc." 
 
 Thereupon the fleas did immediately appoint a Solemn Mum- 
 mery Committee to take with them telescopes and microscopes, 
 spectacles and eye-glasses to go and look into the condition of 
 the dogs, with a view, etc. And when the dogs saw them com- 
 ing they barked propitiatingly and wagged their tails delightedly 
 to see the fleas come at the Mandate of the Expresser, and they 
 prophesied great good things of comfort to come of it. 
 
50 THE DOGS AND THE ELEAS. 
 
 And the fleas did look iuto their condition. Some stood afar 
 off and viewed the grinding dogs through their telescopes, and 
 made notes of what they saw ; and some, with their microscopes 
 got quite near and closely examined their prominent ribs and 
 sore backs and blood-shot eyes and their generally measly 
 appearance, and made voluminous notes ; while the rest made 
 general surveys through their spectacles and eye-glasses, and 
 made notes. 
 
 Thus did the Committee gather a huge Mass of Statistics 
 which they promised the dogs they would Publish, which prom- 
 ise made the dogs to dance for joy. 
 
 And after many days the fleas rolled up what they called a 
 Volume, bulky with Facts and Figures, and fat with Platitudes 
 and Suggestions concerning the amelioration of the grievous 
 condition of the Handle Turning Dogs, which the Volume 
 called the Great Question of the Day. 
 
 And the fleas sent up a bill to the dogs which recited that this 
 great Volume, gotten up for their benefit, had cost the fleas an 
 enormous amount of time and labor which must be recouped 
 unto them by the dogs, and that it would require the dogs to 
 grind an hour a day more for one year. 
 
 So the dogs did grind and sigh an hour a day more, but had 
 great faith in the Will Expresser which 
 
 li * * * Jioved iu a mysterious way, 
 Its wonders to perform." 
 
 In process of time there came about a grave quarrel among 
 the fleas around the Tank, and they began to call each other 
 names. The quarrel began by those farthest away from the 
 Spout getting jealous of those that sat nearest thereto, for they 
 said those that sat nigh unto got a better chance to help them- 
 selves to the blood, and consequently got fatter than those that 
 gat far away, which those sitting nearest declared to be all non- 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FI.EAS. 5t 
 
 sense and a libel on their honors. Nevertheless, it so happened 
 that they did get fatter and bigger than those that sat farther 
 away ; and though they disclaimed violently that their extra 
 fatness was due to their proximity to the Spout they did not 
 volunteer to change places with the farther off oues. Therefore 
 the Faraways — who were nearly all Low Pressurists — began to 
 push and shove to get up near to the Spout, and the Nighuntos 
 — who were mostly High Pressurists — did push and shove to 
 maintain their places, not, said they, because they wanted to 
 sit nigh unto the Spout, but as a matter of Principle, because 
 they were the lineal descendants of a Grand Old Party of High 
 Pressure Suckers that had once, a many years before, rushed to 
 the rescue and salvation of the Spout, when a lot of Low Pres- 
 sure Suckers, the lineal ancestors of the present pesky Low 
 Pressurists, had made a dastardly and traitorous attempt to 
 break it off and cripple the Mill. 
 
 And there was a mighty shoving ; and the Nighuntos indig- 
 nantly said unto the Faraways, " Whom are ye a shoving of ? " 
 And much bad temper was shown, and upon several occasions 
 divers of them got hurt. 
 
 Then did some of the acute Faraways hit upon a way of 
 strengthening themselves to shove the Nighuntos away from the 
 Spout and get there themselves. Said they, " Why not get the 
 dogs to help us to shove?" So they sent secretly for the 
 inventor of the Will of the Dogs Expresser and said unto him, 
 " Lo ! We be Dog Admirers, and believe that your hard con- 
 dition should be ameliorated. It is quite plain to any thinking 
 mind that your long days of grinding at the Handle and your 
 bloodless condition are due to those cruelly greed}' Nighuntos 
 that sit close up to the Spout. They are never satisfied. The 
 Tank does not require half the blood that flows into it. All the 
 rest, these suckers deliberately appropriate for their own private 
 fattening. 
 
 " Now if zve sat near the Spout we would reduce the flow of 
 blood to the requirements of the Tank, "economically admin^ 
 
52 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 istered,'^ and would cause all that uow unnecessarily flows into 
 it to be given to the dogs at the Handle, lo whotn it rightfully 
 belongs. Thus will the number of your hours of toil be reduced. 
 Promise us therefore that the next time ye use your great and 
 ever blessed Expresser, ye will send a thundering avalanche of 
 papers down the shute ordering the Nighuutos to get away from 
 the Spout, and us Faraways to take their places. So shall 
 your hard condition be ameliorated indeed." 
 
 And the Inventor, with his tail brandished on high, ran back 
 to his fellow toilers at the Handle, crying, "Joy ! Joy ! Deliver- 
 ance ! Behold ; the Faraways, who are our friends, have prom- 
 ised that if we will order the Nighuutos, by the Will of the Dogs 
 Expresser, to give place at the Spout to the Faraways, they will 
 administer the Tank and the Spout hi our inieresty 
 
 But the Nighuntos got to hear that the Faraways had made a 
 treaty of mutual help with the dogs. So they sent a delegation 
 up to the grinders, saying, "Be not deceived; these Faraway 
 IvOw Pressurists are frauds. Their love for you is all in our eye. 
 They wish to get nigh unto the Spout only for to make them- 
 selves fat. And what is more, we know that they are traitors to 
 dogs in general and to you Handle Turners in particular, for we 
 have discovered that they have been engaged for a long time in 
 a dastardly plot to break down this Infant Industry of dog 
 grinding, in which you and we are mutually interested, and to 
 uproot this whole Mill from its foundations, and sell it and the 
 Handle — by the turning of which ye are maintained in constant 
 employment at high wages — to your enemies the pauper dogs 
 of Kyhidom, who will thus turn you out of employment, to 
 wander about seeking for a Handle to turn and finding none. 
 Therefore, do not listen to the plausible lies they tell ; but 
 remember that Dogs at the Handle and Fleas at the Tank are 
 ONE and retain us close to the Spout — us, who are its Natural 
 Guardians, and who were its Shield and Salvation in its Hour of 
 Peril in the time past — and ye shall have more steady employ- 
 ment than ever. Be wise, and set yoiir faces as flint against this 
 
The dogs and the fleas. 53 
 
 eohspirac}. Let your watchword be 'High Wag. aud Pro- 
 tection to our Native Handle Turners." They be hars aud the 
 partv of immoral ideas , aud are merely Dog Admirers. But -jve 
 be the Only Original Truth Speakers and Dog Worshippers." 
 
 And it was so that the words of the Only Original Truth 
 Speakers sank deeply into the hearts of the Handle Turners ; 
 aud great fear and discumfuzzlement fell upon many of them. 
 And they were divided in opinion. Some said the Dog Wor- 
 shippers spake wisely, for all knew that the dogs of Kyhidom 
 had always been their enemies ; and no doubt it was true that 
 the dogs of Kyhidom had seduced the Faraway L,ow Pressure 
 Dog Admirers to sell the Mill and take away the Handle. And 
 others said that the Dog Worshippers must be a greedy, uncon- 
 scionable lot of Suckers who made large pretenses of friendship 
 and love to the Handle Turners simply to retain their fat positions 
 at the Spout, since no one, under the most rigid scrutiny and 
 cross-examination, had ever been able to adduce the twenty 
 thousand millionth part of an instance where a High Pressure 
 Sucker had ever sought anything other than the enlargement of 
 his own private and particular paunch. 
 
 So when the great Paper Dropping Day came around there 
 ■was much barking and snarling and wrangling as to who ought 
 to be placed near the Spout ; and the two sets of fleas were 
 trembling between great hopes and great fears; and each set 
 shouted its hardest to the dogs to be wise and to be faithful to 
 their own best interests by dropping their papers for it in the 
 slot of the little Expresser. 
 
 And there was much noise and confusion during the filling of 
 the little box. And when the little trap door was pulled and the 
 papers went in a thundering avalanche down the shute, each set 
 of fleas tried to run away with the Great Majority regardless of 
 what was written upon them. But after much fighting it was 
 finally declared that the Great Majority of Wills was for the 
 Faraways to sit up near the Spout, and for the Nighuntos to 
 get far away. Then did both the Faraways and Nighuntos rise 
 
1*HE DOGS AND THE EtEAS. 55 
 
 Up and beautifully make obeisance to the Expressed Will of 
 the Dogs , the heretofore Faraways bowiug even to the ground ; 
 but the heretofore Nighuutos merely inclined their noses, and 
 and said " Damn " in soliloquial whispers. 
 
 So the Faraways got up close to the Spout and became the 
 Nighuntos, and the Nighuntos were shoved to the lower end of 
 the Tank and became the Faraways, and began in /heir turn to 
 hustle and shove and charge the Nighuntos with selfishly using 
 the Spout to make themselves fat. 
 
 And the dogs of the Majority were very happy, and took a 
 day off (by gracious permission of the new Nighuntos) to bark 
 and stand on their heads and buin fuel and make great smoke 
 and stench, and do other idiotic things to show the great joy 
 they felt at having put another set of suckers near the Spout. 
 
 Then they returned to diligeiitlj' turn the Handle and hope 
 for great good times. Which came not. 
 
 And after many days of the same old grind, being taunted by 
 the dogs of the Minority who every morning said, "We told 
 you so," and every evening said, "Thus did we prophesy unto 
 you," the dogs of the Majority sent down to ask the new Nigh- 
 untos about what time the dogs at the Handle might expect the 
 peep of the Better Day and the fruition of the Promises? 
 
 To which the Nighunto Dog Admirers solemnly made answer 
 that they had made the fearful discovery that the tank was on 
 two bases, one of gold and the other of silver, and that the 
 Silver Basis had shrunk and got so dreadfully awry that the 
 Tank had fallen all askew on that side, and was in danger of 
 capsizing altogether, so that they were all in a dreadful stew, 
 and had to give all their attention to the Great Question of get- 
 ting it into position again on a Single Gold Basis that would 
 command their Confidence, and never, never, never give way 
 again, and that all mere dog starvation and trouble were trivial- 
 ities compared to the great overshadowing need of saving the 
 Tank from ruin. Besides, the Faraway Dog Worshippers were 
 now in control of the lower end of the Tank, and had, previous 
 
66 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 to its slipping with its Silver Basis, wickedly bored a hole itl 
 it and drawn off the Surplus, and were in other ways most 
 unpatriotically hampering the Dog Admirers in their efforts to 
 economize and reduce the Stream ; that there was a Great 
 Deficiency to be made up, and that it would be some years at 
 least before they would be in a Position to effect much Reform, 
 and that for the present it was absolutely necessary for the 
 dogs to make up the Great Deficiency in the Tank, and must 
 grind an hour a day longer for at least a year. 
 
 Which caused the dogs to go sadly back to their hungry 
 turning of the Handle, and to wonder why the great Will of the 
 Dogs Expresser required so much eternity its wonders to 
 perform. 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 Dearth of Dogs. — The Blood Stream Begins to Fail. 
 —Scheme to Recruit from Hungryland. — How it 
 Worked to the Destruction of the White Leg Asso- 
 ciation, AND THE Little Box with the 
 ^^^^^ ^ Little Slot in it. 
 
 ND it came to pass that there began to be visible 
 a slackening of the Stream at the Spout, for the 
 great greed of the fleas around the Tank was 
 using up both the supply of dogs available for 
 chucking in, and the strength of the weary- 
 toilers at the Handle. 
 Which caused a great fear to fall on the Brethren. But one 
 of them, less blind, though not less greedy, than the others, 
 called their attention to the State of Things. 
 
 "See ye not, my brethren," said he, "that the Stream fail- 
 eth ? The arc it describeth is not so large as aforetime, which 
 meaneth that the hopper above is not replenished to its full 
 capacity, which further meaneth that either those rascally 
 chuckcrs-in are not doing their full duty, or that the supply of 
 dogs to chuck in is running low." 
 
 This discovery filled the other Brethren with terror, and they 
 looked first at their own big and bloated bodies — which by this 
 time had become mere featureless blood bags — and then at the 
 Stream, so visibly running low, and, trembling with a coward 
 fear, cried out: "Oh, who will save us from perishing? For 
 the Blood is our life and it faileth. Oh, pestilence, fury and 
 plague, we shall grow less/ Oh, we don't mind bursting with 
 bigness ; but oh, to grow imie again ! Oh ! all is vanity under the 
 
 57 
 
58 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 Sun ! We did think that Providence, for whom we have done 
 so much, would have given us this day our daily dogs to griud. 
 But He has gone back on us. Us, brethren, who never went 
 back on Him and never let his churches want for any good 
 thing. All is lost ! lost ! ! lost ! ! ! " 
 
 And they bewailed and lamented sore ; and one, at the con- 
 templation of his possible shrinkage, went temporarily insane 
 and waddled out and killed himself. 
 
 Bui the Discoverer spoke up and said : "Allay your fears, 
 and assuage your grief, my brethren ; all is not lost by a long 
 chalk. I have excogitated a Scheme w hich I think will work. 
 Behold ! are there not more dogs on the earth than the dogs of 
 Canisville ? Yea, veiily ! dogs more weary, languid and sore 
 distressed than they ? I have heard that in Hungryland, over 
 the pond, away beyond Kyhidom, are millions of dogs who are 
 dreadfully flea-bitten and exhausted, who would think it getting 
 verily to heaven if they could come here and get such bountiful 
 wages as w'e allow to our grinding dogs. 
 
 " Go to, now. Let us send forth apostle dogs to Hurgryland 
 that shall tell the dogs there of the wonderful heaven of peace 
 and joy and plenty in the West; of the Great Wages paid to 
 honest toil, thrift and temperance ; of the Boundless Opportun- 
 ities open to honest ambition ; of the Liberty there, and the 
 Absolute Equality of the Rich and Poor before the Law ; how in 
 that wonderful laud the Dogs and not the Fleas do the govern- 
 ing, and set up and pull down their Public Servants at their 
 own sweet will and pleasure, by means of the little box with the 
 little slot in it. And let the apostles hold up aloft the brilliant 
 example of our dearly beloved brother, Saint Andronicus Car- 
 nivorous, who came over from North Kyhidom as mean a dog 
 as any of them, and all by his own unaided Toil and Thrift and 
 Temperance — without even the blessing of God, in whom he 
 taketh no stock — put himself through the Great Transforma- 
 tion and became as big and bloated a flea as the most excellent 
 of us, and wrote a Book. And let them say that he is not the 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 59 
 
 'til i'SJ/k 
 
 /m'ff 
 
 only example by many thousands of the Illimitable Possibilities 
 of this land ; and they will come rushing over by thousands, 
 and our chuckers-in shall seize them. Thus shall the hopper 
 of our prosperity be replenished with an everlasting supply, and 
 the former bigness of the Blood Stream be restored — aye, more 
 than restored, for we will enlarge the Spout and widen and 
 deepen the hopper and elongate the Handle, and the rushing 
 thousands from Huugryland will fight for a chance to grind. 
 
 " Thus shall we have more dogs to be ground up and more 
 dogs to grind them, and as there will always be standing around 
 the Handle a vast multitude licking their chops in hope of see- 
 ing the grinders faint and fall, we shall be able to diminish our 
 great expenses by reducing the great quantity of blood we are 
 now compelled by cruel circumstances to put on the end of the 
 needle — which is a great imposition. So shall the blood spurt 
 out in great style, and we will have a larger Tank, so that more 
 fleas can sit around it ; and we will drink and drink and grow 
 
60 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 and grow and become so great as never was. And then will we 
 put down the insolence of those white-legged dogs, who have 
 so often troubled us by entering into unconstitutional conspira- 
 cies to hamper us and overthrow the liberties of free born dogs 
 to make free contracts with us to grind for the wages we offer. 
 Having handy so many thousands of Black Legs, we will not 
 need the White Legs any more, but will have them all chucked 
 into the hopper. Morever, I think, we will be able, with all 
 this inexhaustible supply of blood coming in, to heal our inter- 
 nal disagreements and sink all our little superficial distinctions 
 of Low Pressurists and High Pressurists, and truly appear what 
 we really are — One Common Family of Blood Drinkers; for there 
 will then be blood enough for each and all of us. Then will 
 we, working together as One United Family abolish that infer- 
 nal nuisance of the little box with the little slot in it. Ye all 
 know, brethren, that the daj' off which the dogs, through the 
 unbecoming schism amongst ourselves, take to work the Will 
 of the Dogs Expresser, is a dead loss to us in the cessation of 
 the grind. I appeal to you, brethren, to consider the great loss 
 we suffer ; calculate the number of dogs that might be chucked 
 in during the twenty-four hours spent in the wicked and waste- 
 ful amusement of Paper Dropping, and the further loss accru- 
 ing from the lazy turning of the Handle next day, owing to the 
 enervating and mind distracting hilarity of the previous day. 
 Let us then be wise and consult our best interest. Thus Breth- 
 ren shall w^e have a time, times and half a time of fatness, ease 
 and prosperity." 
 
 These words brought joy and hope to the Brethren ; and all 
 said the suggestions of the Discoverer were as the turning 
 inside out of the Dark Cloud to show its Silver Lining; some 
 called them a Providential Relief ; and some said they went to 
 show that this world was run by the Creator on the principle of 
 Universal Harmony and the Compensation Balance, in that 
 what one part thereof lacked another supplied. 
 
The; dogs and the fleaS. 61 
 
 Saint Andronicus Carnivorous was the only one not entirely 
 enthusiastic. He arose and cautiously said, "Brethren, the 
 proposition of our dear brother, the Discoverer, lacketh nothing 
 that is highly to be approved. No doubt it will be highly profit- 
 able to us, and therein I am heartily with him— esoecially in 
 that part relating to the abolition of the wicked White Legs, 
 and the unwholesome box with the little slot in it. But I want 
 you to give me a guarantee that there will be no danger in it to 
 me. You know I have a Reputation which is very dear to me ; 
 and if these Hungry Dogs come here and find the Truth is not 
 as preached, they will reproach me as one of you. and so I and 
 my Reputation and my Book will fall into contempt, and they 
 may go even so far as to call me a Hypocrite. Therefore I 
 would rather not be seen in the matter ; and so, will hie me 
 away until the reproach be over." 
 
 To which the others made answer that there was very little 
 danger or reproach in the scheme ; that the Hungry Dogs would 
 get all the disappointment, the apostles all the reproach, and the 
 fleas all the profit ; but that to be on the safe side Saint Andron- 
 icus had better go away over the pond and lie low, and they 
 
 would find some one of a Don't-care-a-d disposition, like 
 
 Brother Pharaoh Phrique, to carry out the scheme, particularly 
 the abolition of the White Legs and the flinging of them into 
 the hopper. 
 
 And it was so that Carnivorous did go away and lie low ; and 
 the apostles did go out into all the world of the Hungry Dogs 
 and preach the Gospel of Lies ; and the Hungry Dogs were 
 beguiled and came over and brought their great hunger with 
 them, and by their great ferocity the White Legs were wrenched 
 away from the Handle and thrown by the chuckers-in into the 
 hopper. 
 
 And in that day the Low Pressure Dog Admirers and the High 
 Pressure Dog Worshippers were made friends again and became 
 One ; and they ordered the Hungry Dogs to break up the bos 
 with the little slot in it and burn it with fire ; and the Mill was 
 
66 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 enlarged ; and the Stream was thicker and strongei than ever ; 
 and the Tank was enlarged ; and the United Fleas sat around 
 and drank themselves fuller, and grew so big that they shut 
 out the sky and the light of the Sun ; and by reason thereof 
 a great and deadly darkness came over the land, and in the 
 shadow thereof all plants of the light, such as Honesty, Truth, 
 Liberty, and Municipal, State and National Rectitude, went 
 mouldy and rotten ; and the big, over-bloated fleas, by reason 
 of their great gluttony, grew leprous and stank, and their evil 
 odor filled the air ; wherefore great sickness and plagues broke 
 out everywhere, which carried off many dogs and some fleas. 
 
 And through all this evil time the dogs ground and fainted 
 and sighed and howled, and sent up blasphemies and curses and 
 prayers to a Heaven that was very deaf to them, but was appar- 
 ently ver>' good to the monstrosities that sat around the Tank. 
 
CHAPTER Xl. 
 
 Hei.1, and Chaos in Canisville.— Tramp Dogs. — Rise 
 
 OF THE ApoL,OGIST PHILOSOPHERS. — WHATSOEVER IS IS 
 
 Right. — Their Proverb Foundry. 
 
 HAOS reigned in Cauisville. Hell seemed to have 
 grown so hungry for victims that it had not patience 
 to wait for the coming down of the dogs to ii, in 
 the natural course of time, but had gone up to de- 
 vour them on earth. Dogs everywhere were the 
 property of the fleas, either by direct settlement ou 
 their bodies or by deputy. All that were not strug- 
 gling by serving the Monstrous Fleas at the Handle 
 were wandering around carrying little fleas and hunting hard for 
 bones and scraps. The only exceptions were a few obstinate 
 headed and obdurate hearted dogs, who had said they would 
 have freedom at any cost. They said they would not turn that 
 infernal Handle, neither would they carry and maintain any 
 fleas. So they defiantly went about picking up scraps, and 
 when the little fleas came hopping onto them, and demanding 
 as their right to suck out of them the nutriment the scraps 
 gave them, those dogs did snarl and reach around for them with 
 their teeth and violently shake them off. 
 
 Then did those little fleas complain unto McPoodle that there 
 were certain wicked dogs that objected to be bled ; and McPoodle 
 said he would not stand it in his dominions ; and the Monstrous 
 Fleas when they heard about it, said it was Robbery of the Little 
 Brethren, and a contagious Bad Example that might spread 
 throughout Society ; and they spake unto their salaried barker 
 in the Church, Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, that he speak 
 over the big book that lay on the costly cushion, against the 
 
 63 
 
64 « THE DOGS AND THE FI,EAS. 
 
 sin of dogs stealing their own bodies away from the bites of the 
 fleas. And the barker did speak, and the good and well be- 
 haved dogs who carried their fleas and bore their hunger piously 
 did regard with severity and high disapproval all those dogs 
 that shook their fleas, insomuch that the flea shakers found 
 themselves in ill odor and did withdraw themselves from dog 
 society, and sought lonely places where meat was scarce and 
 fleas scarcer. 
 
 Yet did not those dogs repine. They tramped and vagabon- 
 dized and reposed in the sun and the dirt ; they grew very hairy 
 and very dirty and very hungry. But they said they were 
 never hungrier than they would have been had they remained in 
 Good Society, and spent their days hustling for fleas, which, they 
 said, was on the whole an advantage, as it was much less awful 
 to be idle and hungry than to work one's life out for others and 
 be hungry all the same ; and as for Public Opinion, why, to be 
 able to snooze in the sunshine, was worth any amount of Public 
 Opinion that left one's stomach insolvent. They also became 
 covered with vermin, which the flea-covered and respectable 
 dogs of Canisville shuddered at ; but the vagabond dogs said 
 that carrying vermin was not half as burdensome or half as 
 injurious to the health as carrying fleas ; and as for getting their 
 living without work, why, the Monstrous Fleas did no work at 
 all and were monstrously respectable, and they were going to be 
 respectable too ; all which reasoning the pious dogs said was 
 Sophistry, and tended to lower them still further in the estim- 
 ation of the big fleas and other Good Society. 
 
 Verily a chaotic state of things prevailed ; and to the few sen- 
 sible dogs that ever and anon bobbed up from out-of-the way 
 places to bark a bark of protest, and then sink into oblivion or 
 be stoned out of town, all things seemed upside down. 
 
 But as there never was a time in all the world's history when 
 to the Apologist Philosophers of the times things that were were 
 not right, even so at this chaotic time in Canisyille there arose 
 the usual Apologist Philosophers who took things as they, were, 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAfS. 
 
 65 
 
 and out of them built a wonderful economic philosophy most 
 beautiful to behold, the only trouble with which was that when- 
 ever anyone of the few sensible dogs would come out of his hole 
 of hiding and prod it with a little weapon called Common Sense, 
 the whole elaborate system would collapse and drop into dust. 
 Wherefore the Apologist Philosophers were aggrieved, and 
 appealed to the Authorities to make it a Felony for any unpop- 
 
 ular dog to go about prodding philosophical systems with Com- 
 mon Sense, or to have about him any Common Sense, which 
 was, they said, a carrying of concealed weapons. 
 
 These Apologist Philosophers were singular creatures and in- 
 sufferably self-conceited, because they had "got on in the world" 
 as they called it ; that is, they were all lucky dogs who had 
 managed to get fat by lying in wait for and catching what they 
 
66 
 
 *rHE DOGS AND THE FI.EAS 
 
 called " Chances," — that is, stray scraps of meat — and by always 
 speaking a good word for the big fleas, who rewarded them by 
 giving them a few of their fellow dogs to eat. Many of them 
 made their faces smooth, and tied around their necks white 
 bands called "Chokers," which gave them a singular appear- 
 ance of which they were very vain. But their most singular 
 distinguishment was that they wore opaquely green spectacles 
 and walked on their fore feet and the tips of their noses, with 
 
 their hind legs and 
 tails in the air. This 
 uncommon way of 
 •walking enabled 
 them, they said, to 
 get a view of earthly 
 things totally differ- 
 ent from that obtain- 
 able by the ordinary 
 degraded way of go- 
 ing on all fours, and 
 enabled them more 
 distinctly to see 
 things as they appear- 
 ed, which was, they 
 said, the philoso- 
 phical method, as 
 contra - distinguished 
 from the low, vulgar, 
 altogether despicable and ought-to-be-prohibited Common 
 Sense method of seeing things as they zuere. 
 
 The habit of these dogs was to promenade abroad by moonless 
 and starless night and "observe" through their opaquely green 
 spectacles, and then gather together by day in what they called 
 a "School," where, secluded from noise and light and air, they 
 boiled down their observations and ran them into moulds, the 
 results of which operation they called "Maxims," "Apothegms" 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. BTf 
 
 and "Proverbs" whicli when cold they handed out to other 
 dogs to hawk about in the public places as free gifts to all dogs 
 to hang up in the chambers of their memories. 
 
 This Proverb Foundry, the big fleas said, was an excellent 
 Institution and was worthy of support as it did a vast amount 
 of Good; for it provided good things for dogs everywhere to 
 put in their mouths, which, as food was scarce, was a Blessed 
 Charity and, moreover, by giving the dogs plenty to do mum- 
 bling these Proverbs and Maxims over and over in their mouths, 
 kept them out of the mischief of thinking, and preserved their 
 minds in a wholesome state of imbecility which was conducive 
 to Social Order and the Stability of Institutions. 
 
 These wise-appeariug philosophers, seeing that bones were 
 scarce and dogs many, urged upon every dog the importance of 
 getting ahead of every other dog, by remembering that The 
 early bird gets the first worm." Seeing that in a crowd of 
 struggling dogs, ail the strong and lusty ones came to the front 
 and'^uppermost, they made that all right by inventing the heart- 
 less motto for the guidance of the unscrupulous, "There's plenty 
 of room at the top." Observing that just through the gap in 
 the fence there is food for five dogs which one hundred and fifty 
 are biting and tearing to get at, they encouraged the dogs to 
 bear in mind that "Success in life comes only by push and 
 enterprise." Having noted that he who gobbled up his meat 
 the fastest got most into his inside in the same time, they urged 
 them to racing speed by the proverbs, "Time is money," " Pro- 
 crastination is the thief of time," and "Hurry Up is the fastest 
 horse " Noticing that when anyone throws a scrap of meat to 
 a crowd of hungry dogs, the one which is first and smartest gets 
 it they put the rule for such cases thus : " Opportunity once 
 gone never returns." Having themselves got on by carefully 
 watching when other dogs threw away stale and mouldy meat 
 that was not exceedingly well worth eating, and hoarding the 
 same in sly holes and corners, they glorified such mean conduct 
 by sayin- " Frugality is the Mother of Wealth ; " and when 
 
68 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAfi. 
 
 they denied their hungry stomachs a scrap in order to have a 
 larger hoard, they erected their mean stinginess into a Philos- 
 ophy of Life by remarking that "A Penny saved is a Penny 
 Earned." 
 
 And so on and so on. In a thousand ways they taught that 
 getting on in the world is by "carving one's way," "compelling 
 success," biting, scratching, crowding, knocking down and 
 trampling on your fellows ; and they taught that only t/ie tvinner 
 in the race is to be congratulated on his efforts ; that he who 
 grabs and gets the bone is the one rightly entitled to it ; and 
 that all who run and fall, and all who grab and miss, should be 
 voted immoral and sent to perdition. 
 
 And never a one of them ever made a proverb or a maxim 
 that had in it the remotest suggestion that there might be any 
 other way for dogs to live and be happv, save that by which 
 they were now so miserably perishing ; for, as aforesaid, they 
 were great philosophers. 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 The 
 
 "* A RISERS. 
 
 — Chaos 
 Menders. — Moral and 
 Spiritual tinkers and 
 COBBLERS.— Artificial pi 
 
 " ^ * ETY. — 
 
 Praise 
 
 CONVEN - 
 TION. — 
 
 A Holy One 
 A Maker of 
 Long Pray- 
 ers AND 
 ORT Wages, is very* hope- 
 ful. 
 
 OW as soon as the Apologist 
 Philosophers and their Proverl) 
 Foundry arose it was as though 
 the}' had opened the doors of 
 a Bottomless Pit where were 
 confined an infinite host of 
 Arisers ; for from that time 
 on there arose, and arose, and 
 arose an endless succession of 
 until-then unknown and need- 
 less Chaos Menders who came 
 
 C9 
 
70 THE DOGS AND TIIF, FLEAS. 
 
 forth equipped with moral saws aud hammers aud jack planes 
 and set up shop all over Canisville aud put out big flaring signs 
 settmg forth that all manner of Moral aud Spiritual Cobbling 
 and Repairing was done there on the shortest notice ; special 
 attention being given to the Production of Public Virtue amongst 
 dogs, by a large corps of operators, in the highest degree skilled 
 in the art of fitting all sorts, sizes and qualities of dogs to Stan- 
 dard Moral Measurement, by the use of the latest improved and 
 perfected machinery, warranted to lengthen, shorten, flatten, 
 puff out, square up, round off, expand or compress as required. 
 Also Corrupt Trees carefully trained and made to bear the best 
 of* Good P>uit ; thorns made to bear grapes, and thistles to 
 bring forth figs ; all under the able superintendency of their 
 various agents. 
 
 First, there arose divers well-meaning dogs of prophets who 
 imagined they could restore the fighting, squabbling community 
 to a state of decency by schooling the dogs into a habit of com- 
 pelling their brains to sever all relationship and connection with 
 their stomachs. 
 
 So when they were ready with their Plan they sent one into 
 the Public Place, crying, "Behold now, this fighting aud bad 
 temper is all wrong ; ye ought to deal kindly with one another. 
 Lo ! I come to proclaim peace." 
 
 And an infidel dog said, "How wilt thou bring peace when 
 there are more hungry dogs than bones ? " 
 
 And the prophet said, " Let us bear with one another ; let us 
 resolutely put away from us all malice and evil thoughts, and 
 be kindly aflFectioned one to another; and when one of us has 
 found a bone, let not the other one cast covetous and hungry 
 eves upon it, but let him meekly bear his lot ; and when his 
 belly rumbles through emptiness, and he be tempted to rush 
 upon his neighbor's bone, let him put up a little prayer to 
 the Providence which hath wisely ordained our several lots, aud 
 howd a little bvmn thus: 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FI.EAS. 71 
 
 " Help lue, O Lord, to bear my lot, 
 
 And when with hunger spent, 
 I'll think of other boneless ones, 
 
 And learn to be content. 
 Not more than others I deserve, 
 
 Whose forms with want are bent ; 
 Oh, give me then, a spirit meek, 
 
 That always is content, 
 
 "This, my canine brethren, is all that we need — the spirit of 
 meekness, resignation and contentment. Think, my beloved 
 brethren, of all the glorious prospects that lie beyond this vale 
 of tears, when, if we have been very humble and contented, and 
 have not barked at the upper classes, nor scoffed at the well- 
 paid ministers of the fleas' gospel, we shall trot the streets of 
 the New Canisville where the best food lies around in the great- 
 est profusion, and poor dogs hunger no more, neither thirst 
 any more." 
 
 "And," said a sceptic dog, "what shall we do for grub on 
 earth until we reach the grubful Canaan ? " 
 
 "My brother," said the prophet, " thou must pray for grace 
 to be content." 
 
 Now, when the Church of the Fleas heard that there was a 
 very holy dog of a prophet gone down amongst the wicked and 
 discontented canines to preach unto them the doctrine of pres- 
 ent contentment and future bellyfuls, they gathered themselves 
 together in a great Praise Convention to give thanks and rejoice 
 for the new Star of Hope that had risen on the land, and a Holy 
 One, a Maker of long prayers and short wages, arose and ad- 
 dressed them. 
 
 The Honorable One a Maker of long prayers and short wages 
 was a smooth and influential lay flea, who ran a large blood 
 suckery six days of the week, and on the other a large snivelling 
 prayery, and was reputed to be very rich in grace, but much 
 richer in this world's wealth, and was world-noted for his stingi- 
 ness towards the dogs he drew his life blood from, and the 
 prodigality of his gifts to churches and charities. 
 
72 
 
 THE DOCrS AND THE FI^EAS. 
 
 There was a very queer peculiarity about his eyes : One of 
 them was turned permanently downward towards the earth, 
 and was a very keen, bright eye of high microscopic power, 
 which restlessly scanned every object, and by long practice had 
 grown able to discern with a marvellous infallibility certain dirty 
 looking little blood spots called pennies. This eye was what was 
 known as his six-days-a-week eye, and was so powerfully de- 
 veloped that no matter how small these spots were, nor how 
 deeply hidden— even deep down at the bottom of and beneath a 
 hundred feet of dirt — he could see them and he would never 
 rest until he had uncovered them, and gathered them in with 
 his marvellously acquisitive blood sucker. 
 
 His other eye was known as his 
 seventh-day eye, and was a very keen, 
 bright eye of high telescopic power, 
 which by persistent straining and prac- 
 tice had bulged outward and upward 
 towards Heaven, and had developed 
 a marvellous capacity for seeing mans- 
 ions in the skies, harps and golden 
 crowns of glory and immortality, laid 
 up in particular for the Honorable 
 One a Maker of long prayers and short 
 wages. 
 
 So that what with the present riches his six-days-a-week eye 
 enabled his marvellously acquisitive blood sucker to pick up^ 
 and the prospective riches his seventh-day eye enabled him to 
 see was his, he was very wealthy indeed, very sleek and exceed- 
 ingly well contented — as any one so well fixed for both worlds 
 ought to be. 
 
 He said: "Brethren of the most ancient and honorable Church 
 of the Suckers, it is evident that the great problem of sin and 
 wickedness amongst the poor is about to be solved. I confess 
 that, to me, the state of the poor has been for years past, a great 
 burden of anxiety upon uiy heart, and a subject of agonizing 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 73 
 
 prayer. I have remarked their pinched features, their hungry 
 jaws, their woe-begone condition, and I have endeavored as far 
 as in me lies, to alleviate their hard lot. What shall be done to 
 lift them up ? Let us remember that they are of our own blood. 
 The poor brutes on which I live excite my compassion more 
 than I can tell, and I have done ever\-thiug I know of to lessen 
 the hardness of their lot. I encourage my lady flea and our flea- 
 lets* — than whom there are not more holy ones between here and 
 the seventh heaven — to go down and teach them. They take 
 little tracts to them, showing them, in the most beautiful man- 
 ner, how by more toil, more thrift, more temperance, more 
 economy of time and little retrenchments in sleep and luxuries, 
 and the lopping off' here and there of sinful indulgences, and 
 crucifixion of various ungodly lusts, they can with the help of 
 God, come up to fatness, and even to a sleek condition. They 
 have showed them that "Where there's a will, there's ALWAYS 
 a way " to success in life, and they have shown them by various 
 shining examples, how ANY dog may, by patient perseverance, 
 lift himself out of the condition of being a blood-yielding dog 
 and come up by Transformation into that of being an honored 
 sucker himself and deacon of a church. And to encourage 
 them, I have even sometimes remitted five per cent, of the blood 
 they owe me. But nothing seems to come of it. They seem 
 just as thriftless as ever and as full of vice. And really their 
 idleness and shiftiessness cause me serious alarm as I perceive 
 that their daily yield of blood is decreasing and I have suffered 
 much loss. And brethren, no doubt I voice your experience. 
 We know that godliness among these poor is economically 
 profitable. A pious, contented dog works more faithfully than 
 an ungodly one ; and there is infinitely more pleasure in go- 
 ing to collect our monthly dues from amongst the pious, sober, 
 well behaved and godly dogs, than amongst those who by their 
 wicked idleness, insobriety and insolent barkings, give us 
 trouble and anxiety. Let us remember that nice Scripture 
 which says, ' Godliness is profitable unto all things, having the 
 
74 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 promise not only of the life that now is, but of that which is to 
 come.' Let us then be not only good but wise, and not only 
 support this good prophet in his work, but set apart others unto 
 the good work ; and let us call them City Missionaries. Will 
 some one now move that we pass 'round the hat? And let the 
 collection be a good big one brethren, for, recollect, this is to 
 send the gospel to the poor, and ' he that giveth to the poor 
 lendeth to the Lord,' and the Lord always pays good interest, 
 brethren, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and 
 running over. So that we shall by this present sacrifice be 
 eternal gainers and come out at the large end of the horn." 
 
 And it was so. And they made up a big pot of money for the 
 missionaries ; and they stroked their paunches affectionately 
 and departed, feeling that God ought to be very much obliged 
 to them for having condescended to think on his poor. 
 
 And from that time on there was reported " great success " in 
 the preaching of the Gospel of Content. At the end of the year 
 the Church of the Suckers got together, and had the prophets 
 tell them of the good work done during the year. And the 
 good prophets made various long reports of their work. They 
 had written down in books called "diaries" how many visits 
 they had made among the poor dogs ; how mauj' they had in- 
 duced b}' exhortation, to give up their fighting and quarreling ; 
 how many had thus been brought to sit in rows in certain bare- 
 looking gospel houses called " Missions," and howl out certain 
 noises called "hymns," and to declare at the end of meetings 
 that they had "got religion " and " found grace " to bear their 
 hunger and all their miseries, and even to put on a visage and a 
 look that betokened that they rather enjoyed hunger and poverty 
 and hankered for more. But the reports always wound up with 
 the statement, that how much soever of good had been done, it 
 was as nothing to the good that remained to be done ; that the 
 " fields were white unto the harvest," and praying that " more 
 laborers be sent into the harvest," and, finally, that although 
 they had got quite a number of hungry and poverty-stricken 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 7o 
 
 dogs to enter the ranks of the contented saints, the vast mul- 
 titude were still discontented and quarrelsome and wicked, and 
 would not come to the " Mission," but loafed about the streets 
 on Sunday, blind to their "privileges," and deaf to the "gracious 
 call." And what was even more sad and pitiable, these loafers, 
 who would not be gathered under the wing of the new gospel 
 hen, not only made a mock at sin, but had made grievous faces 
 at the missionaries. Then the speakers congratulated the "mis- 
 sion society " on the " good " they had done and urged the mis 
 sionaries to bear their hard trials with meekness, and to put forth 
 "greater efforts " in the future. 
 
CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 The Moral antd Spiritual, Cobblers Adopt Physical 
 Coercion. — Squads. — Dog-Flea-Monkey Officers. — 
 Brain Embalming College.— Encouraging Success of 
 THE Gangs. 
 
 [lEN did the numerous Chaos Straighten ers and 
 Moral aud Spiritual Cobblers, seeing that they 
 had the hearty appreciation of the Church of the 
 Fleas, in their efforts to spiritually "save" the bod- 
 J'^'^^^lS ^^y starved dogs, feel much encouraged, and began 
 to devise how they might improve, strengthen and 
 enlarge their saving methods. Having religiously gone out of 
 their way to coax and beguile the poor, depraved aud rib-stripped 
 dogs into becoming good — though having religiously remained in 
 their way while all the fleas, big and little, had depraved them — it 
 was naturally easy to go one step further and supplement their 
 beguilemeuts with a little coercion They reasoned that if it 
 was right to hold nice moral persuasives to the dogs' noses to 
 draw them onward and upward, it could not be wrong to club 
 them in the same direction from behind. They said the "Get- 
 ting to Heaven" was the main thing, and that even ifadoghad 
 to be taken by the tail and flung over the wall thereof, and 
 landed inside wiih a flop that shook his bowels out, it was infin- 
 itely more merciful to him than allowing him to go easily to 
 Hell. 
 
 So they divided themselves into groups aud squads for the 
 purpose of surrounding the dogs. To the churchy squads 
 was assigned the duty of standing in a little narrow, dingy aud 
 verv uninviting moral alley -way, which they euphemistically 
 
 76 
 
THE DOGS AND THE PLEAS. 77 
 
 called the "Way to Heaveu," and with call whistles and Jews- 
 harps and kazoos calUng the dogs' attentiou to pretty pictures 
 at the far end of the alley-way, representing green fields and 
 flowing streams, and big piles of very meaty bones, and fat and 
 full dogs snoozing thereby, and other scenes supposed to be 
 attractive to starving dogs. Another churchy baud strewed 
 lollipops, drops of gravy and other seducemeuts along the alley- 
 way. <» 
 
 These two bands called themselves "The Society of Stren- 
 uous Endeavorists, " because they "endeavored" to cajole and 
 persuade flea-bitten and depraved dogs to go up the dingy alley- 
 way. 
 
 Other squads planted themselves here and there at various 
 strategic points, where dogs were likely to break away, and 
 "endeavored" by more or less violent methods, to turn the 
 faces of the dogs towards the dingy alley-way and force them, 
 by goads and prods and clubs, to be persuaded by the Endeav- 
 orists and lyollipoppers. These squads proudly called them- 
 selves by various distinguishing names, such as the "Go to 
 Church or be Clubbed Society ;" "The Yanking Dogs Heaven- 
 ward Association;" "The Order of Holy Whackers and 
 Thwackers ; " "The Compulsory Holiness Society ; " " The A. 
 A. U. S. G. B. & Iv," which being interpreted, means "The 
 Association for the Advancement of the Use of Sanctification 
 Generating Billies and Locusts ; " " The Society for the Pro- 
 motion of Pious Poverty ; " " The Society for the Suppression 
 of Natural Consequences and the Sundering of Cause and 
 Effect ; " " The Gulp-a-Camel-and-Gag-at a-Gnat Society," and 
 the " Dog Souling and Healing Association." 
 
 These squads were all officered by fat and comfortable mongrel 
 creatures, one third dog, one third flea, and the rest monkey, 
 whose qualifications for the headship thereof were that while 
 young the}^ had graduated from a certain College of the fleas es- 
 tablished to teach the doctrine that virtue in dogs had no relation 
 to their living carcases, but could be arbitrarily produced in any 
 
78 'fHE DOGS AND tHE FLEAS. 
 
 dog by thrustiug him into a certain conventional moral mould, 
 and thumping, walloping, pounding and hammering him until 
 he fit it. After several years of training in this School where they 
 saw thousands of dogs broken and smashed and distorted, but 
 never a one made to fit, and they themselves had laboriously 
 tried to make dogs fit the mould, but never did, they were ex- 
 amined as to their proficiency in the science and art of achieving 
 n^ral failure ; and as to their belief in the Attainability of the 
 Impossible ; and if the examination was satisfactory they signed 
 a solemn declaration that they were true believers in that self- 
 same blessed doctrine. 
 
 Whereupon the Principals opened their heads to see if thei-r 
 brains were realty full of that doctrine, and if so they poured 
 therein a ladleful of an antiseptic compound called " Compound 
 Concentrated Quintessence of Pig-Headed Bourbonism " that 
 was warranted to keep sound and immovably fix that doctrine 
 in their brains all their lives ; then they hermetically sealed up 
 the opening against the entrance of any displacing idea, and 
 turned the creature abroad upon the earth with a diploma certify- 
 ing that the holder thereof had been duly treated, and had had 
 his brain properly embalmed, and was thereafter incapable of 
 receiving any other idea if he lived a million years. 
 
 Now, all these gangs and squads had very ' 'encouraging success" 
 in their work. That is to say the success was not much — in truth 
 it was very little — but what there was of it was very encouraging 
 to them because they were incapable of perceiving failure. Not 
 many dogs could be induced by the Strenuous Endeavorists and 
 Lollipoppers to go up the dingy alley-way, and of the few who 
 went to the far end thereof, most returned saying that, barring 
 the lollipops and drops of gravy, the fullness and plenty was all 
 wretchedly pictorial, and the air was so heavy and stagnant, 
 and the surroundings so dull and dreary that they preferred to 
 go back and be damned hungry, rather than be "saved" hungry. 
 In fact they had got so used to being damned hungry that it 
 hurt less than the hungry " salvation." 
 
THE t)0(iS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 n 
 
 But over the little few who stayed iu the Way to Heaven the 
 Strenuous Endeavorists made great rejoiciugs ; they labelled 
 them Spared Monuments, packed them carefully iu wadding and 
 toted them round to the churches of the fleas aud exhibited them 
 as fine samples of what could be accomplished by " never weary- 
 ing in well doing," and the Church applauded, and the Mon- 
 strous Fleas being appealed to for help in carrying on the work, 
 sent down their blessing and a large fund to provide more lol- 
 lipops and gravy, and an earnest appeal to the Strenuous EndeaV- 
 orists to endeavor to devise some scheme of salvation for the 
 poor unfortunate dogs that ground at the Handle of their Mill, 
 and whose spiritual interests lay very near to their hearts. 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 Delusion of the Dog-flea- 
 MONKEYS. — The Portrait.— 
 How IT WAS Copied. 
 
 :LL these dog-flea-mouke}- Virtue Couipulsiou- 
 ists had oue pecuHar delusiou : They all 
 imagined that they were exceedingly beauti- 
 ful spiritually, and comely of complexion 
 morally, and resembled in moral features 
 ' a certain gloriously beautiful Person who 
 had lived and died above 1800 years before ; about whom the 
 salaried barkers in the churches of the fleas were paid to bark 
 one day in every seven. 
 
 It was a practice ordained by the Church that every barker, in 
 the course of his regular barking, should draw on a gold aud 
 gem-studded, framed, marble slab, a Portrait of this Personage ; 
 for two reasons : First, to keep him in remembrance, because, 
 they said, he was the Blessed Founder of the Church of the 
 Fleas ; and second, because it was obligatory both upon the 
 reverend barker and upon every member of the Church to be 
 conformed unto His Likeness, bj' diligenth' comparing them- 
 Belves with the Portrait. 
 
 It was a Blessed Custom, and originated thus : — The Original 
 Portrait was in the Holy Book that lay on the cosily cushion, 
 drawn there by certain brave but poor and persecuted dogs who 
 knew and loved the Original Person. Their Church in those 
 
 80 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 81 
 
 days was the Church of the Dogs, and was a very small and 
 obscure church that was set up in out-of-the-way, damp aud 
 mouldy dens and caves and holes aud corners of the earth ; 
 because the Church of the Fleas of those days had crucified the 
 Founder of it, and did cruelly hunt and persecute and kill the 
 dogs that belonged to it. But those dogs did the more love his 
 memory, and did day by day copy out his Portrait from the 
 Original aud conform themselves to it. 
 
 But after a time, when they that knew the Founder were gath- 
 ered into the heavenly garner, and there arose a succession of 
 dogs that knew him not, the Church of the Dogs went acoiut- 
 ing unto the respectable Church of the Fleas aud asked to be 
 united in Holy Wedlock unto it. And the Church of the Fleas 
 corrupted with respectability the Church of the Dogs, and the 
 dogs sold their brand new religion to the fleas whose gods had 
 become dilapidated and worm-eaten for lack of fresh paint. 
 Whereupon the Church of the Fleas threw their rotten old gods 
 on the rubbish heap, and adopted the worship of the Wonder- 
 ful Personage and the practice of drawing his Portrait. But 
 the practice of copying it from the Original in the Big Book was 
 in time discarded, because many of the fleas, when called on by 
 the barkers to compare themselves with the Portrait, said it 
 reproached them, being too good, and made theni ugly by 
 comparison, and the conforming themselves thereto was too ex- 
 pensive and inconvenient. And when the barker insisted on 
 compliance with the custom, they said he was an impertinent 
 barker aud didn't know his place ; and they called on the dogs 
 to cast him out and worry him to death. Which terrible example 
 and warning caused the succeeding barkers to be pertinent and 
 know their places, and bark according to the desire of the fleas 
 —which they had carefully done ever since. 
 
 So no more was the Seventh-daily copy copied from the Original 
 but was copied from the preceding Seventh-daily copy— which 
 gave the employers far less dissatisfaction. 
 
B2 
 
 The Softs ANt) The fleas. 
 
 But the barkers, diligently keeping the fear of the fleas and 
 the fate of the cast out barkers before them, fell gradually into 
 the habit of here and there adding to the Portrait a feature or 
 two of the eminent fleas that sat and smiled before them ; and 
 as this gentle flattery of the fleas was received by them with 
 great favor, the barkers — who had by this time very perspica- 
 ciously discerned on which side their bread was buttered — were 
 encouraged ; and soon the Portrait in no wise resembled the 
 Original. But it gave very great satisfaction to the fleas, who 
 found themselves growing more and more like unto the Blessed 
 Person whom they worshipped ; and the baikers found their 
 basketfuls of meat growing ever larger as their reward ; inso- 
 much that in the latter days such barkers as Tee de Little Wit 
 Blatherskite — who drew the Seventh-daily Portrait with great 
 skill, and filled it fuller of flea features than any other barker — 
 got very great basketfuls, and were held in the highest honor by 
 the most eminent suckers, who said they were good dogs that 
 they would not part with at any price. Therefore it was that 
 when all the dog-flea-monkey dog coercionists and heads of the 
 various Physical-Force Holiness Societies sat in the Church of 
 the Fleas and looked upon the Features and Form of the Por- 
 trait, they lifted up their mouths to Heaven and gave loud thanks 
 to God that they were the exact counterparts of the Ever Blessed 
 Person, for their ugly mugs and ignorantly brutal and fanatical 
 eyes were just like his. 
 
CHAPTER XV. 
 
 IvOVELY Anthony's Communion Service all by Himself. 
 —How HE Formed a Society for the Suppression of 
 Vice, and the Propagation of the Gospel of the 
 Club.— Their Vicious Methods 
 of Promoting Virtue.— Their 
 Success at Dog Catching. 
 
 MINENT over all the crowd of 
 Morality Cobblers and Dog Soulers 
 and Healers who sat in the Church 
 of the Fleas and looked upon the 
 Portrait, was one whose brain had 
 been particularly well embalmed 
 and hermetically sealed against the 
 entrance of any new idea. This was 
 Lovely Anthony Thumpem Club- 
 stock. He was a great admirer of 
 the Portrait ; and he went daily 
 into the church to hold Holy Com- 
 munion with himself before it. And 
 'thus he communed: "That is a most 
 excellelit likeness of the Blessed 
 Personage for it is just like me. 
 Like me, he was the All -Righteous, 
 and, like me, he had but one de- 
 sire—to suppress the vice of the world ; but he lacked method, 
 and unfortunately had not me with him to give him points. 
 Oh, if it had pleased God to have sent me on earth along with 
 him, what a team we should have made ; he with his genius, 
 and I with my method ; why, we would have covered the earth 
 
 83 
 
84 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 with righteousness, even as the waters cover the sea. Of course 
 he had his faults — as who has not ? He was too much inclined 
 to Mercy and Forgiveness and all that sort of thing. He had 
 too much heart, and it ran away with him. Had I been with him 
 — which, alas, I was not — I should have been a corrective. 
 Heart might have been less objectionable in his time than now^ 
 but to-day nothing but the Strong Hand and the Heavy Club 
 can drive the degenerate dogs of this day to Virtue and Right- 
 eousness ; and I believe that were he on earth to-day his good 
 sense would approve a sterner policy of cleansing the earth of 
 sin. Dogs today are so fearfully depraved, so very vile, such 
 dreadful despisers of Holy Religion, such malignant scoffers at 
 our reverend salaried barkers, and are so viciously and stub- 
 bornly averse to going to heaven, that were they to be let 
 alone, or pushed with mere kindness, they would become utterly 
 evil and corrupt the earth. 
 
 " He seems to have had no nose for nastiness nor eye for dis- 
 cerning indecency. But I have a splendid buzzard smeller that 
 detecteth the faintest taint afar off, and an eagle eye that 
 instantaneously discerneth indecency, even where it is not. 
 He lacked the natural taste to dabble with fillh and scratch 
 around cesspools. But I am not so. I with my little mop and 
 pail will clean the earth of evil for him. I will suppress Vice 
 and make the earth so lovely that were he to come back he 
 would grasp my paw and say, ' Well, done Good and Lovely 
 Anthony ; thou art unique ; thou hast faithfully walloped and 
 larruped the erring dogs of earth back into my Fold of Love ; 
 thou hast performed the hitherto impossible job of hammering 
 virtue through their hides, and opening with a club the buds of 
 Holiness in their hearts ; henceforth thou art promoted ; I will 
 make thee Clubber Plenipotentiary to Hell, which no doubt 
 thou canst reclaim for me.' " 
 
 And Lovely Anthony, having sharpened his buzzard smeller 
 and polished his eagle eye, went and easily gathered together a 
 gang of true believers in the Gospel of the Club — for the laud 
 
THK DOGS AND THE TLKAS. 00 
 
 was full of them, brain-embalmed and pig-lieadedly Bourbonish 
 like himself — and he called them the ''Society for the Suppres- 
 sion of Vice," and said unto them, "Brethren, go ye out into 
 the highways and the by-ways, and wlieresoever ye espy any 
 depraved dog, hale him before the Suppressors, the police dogs. 
 But be very tender with the fleas that are on him, for they are 
 our life. Let your zeal for God effervesce above all consider- 
 ations. If any depraved and vicious dog hide himself away 
 where it is difficult to get at him, remember that his suppression 
 is the supreme aim of all your efforts, and act accordingly. 
 If ye cannot lay hold of him openly and boldly, then transform 
 yourselves, and garb yourselves like him and act in all respects 
 as a vicious dog like him, to gain his confidence and draw him 
 from his hole. Stick not at a lie or two, or at any breach of the 
 law to trepan him, or at any damnable and vicious thing which 
 may be necessary to suppress Vice and promote Virtue, for the 
 bringing in of the Kingdom of Heaven is of such tremendous 
 consequence, that if we have to borrow all the ordnance and 
 weaponry of Hell to do it with, we will. Our motto is, 'The 
 End always justifies the Means,' and when the vice of all dogs 
 shall have been suppressed and the earth shall be pure again, ye 
 shall all be forgiven. 
 
 "If a dog be hungry and howl, suppress his howl, for his noise 
 is disturbing to the repose of the fleas ; if he throw covetous 
 glances at any scrap of food that is not his by gracious permis- 
 sion of the fleas, thump him, for covetousness is sin against 
 God and the fleas. If he be measly and have scabs for want of 
 nourishment, smite him severely, and tell him his scabs are an 
 offense to respectable fleas, and such exhibitions are by law 
 prohibited. If by reason of poverty he be ignorant, hit him a 
 whack on the skull, and tell him that Ignorance is the parent of 
 Vice, and cannot be permitted at all. If he be amusing himself 
 with low and disreputable games, larrup him heavily and point 
 him to the Church where God has provided an infinitely 
 better Feast for the Soul than games, and cease not to batter 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 him until ye have driven him there. And, finally, if he excuse 
 himself that he is plundered and poor and wretched, and must 
 do as he does, smite him on the mouth for those wicked excuses, 
 for they are blasphemy." 
 
 So the Suppressors of Vice went out, abundantly armed with 
 clubs, and equipped with all manner of disguises and dog-catch- 
 ing devices and traps and snares ; and they found many dogs 
 that were measly and scabby, and were ignorant, and had dim 
 moral eyesight, and stole, and amused themselves with low 
 
 games and excused themselves. And the Suppressors exercised 
 all their diligence, and all their arts and devices to suppress and 
 catch those dogs ; but the only effect they produced was to 
 cause the dogs to use diligence and art and device to get out of 
 their way and into dark corners. 
 
 Then did Lovely Anthony get mad and go out himself to set 
 them an Example, and did set wonderfully complicated traps 
 by which he had great dog-catching success. He would walk 
 about pretending to be a scabby dog, and very ignorant aiid 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 87 
 
 blind, and would amuse himself with low games, and would 
 spread paper Laws before the dogs, and in their sight jump 
 through them and burst great holes in them and play devil 
 generally, all in order to encourage and tempt the vicious dogs 
 to come out of their hiding places and do likewise, when he 
 would suddenly pounce on them and hold them until he had 
 called the police dogs, who would soundly thump and larrup 
 them. 
 
 All this kept Lovely Anthony the Dog Catcher, and his 
 assistant Dog Catchers, very busy and wonderfully well pleased 
 and satisfied with themselves ; but as the thumping and larrup- 
 ing never filled the poor dogs' stomachs or lifted a solitary flea 
 off their bodies, the dogs were only made worse ; for in addition 
 to all their other woes, they had the awful affliction of him and 
 his on top. The only difference it made was that it stimulated 
 the cunning of the depraved dogs who grew more expert at 
 hiding away and fooling them. 
 
 As to Lovely Anthony the Dog Catcher, his brain having 
 been properly embalmed and eternally fixed, he only waxed 
 more zealous in his efforts ; and he prophesied, with all the cer- 
 tainty of one that knew, that sometime during next Eternity 
 all bad and vicious dogs will have been suppressed, and all 
 others walloped into loving God ; and all the relations between 
 dogs and fleas will have been harmonized according to the eter- 
 nal rights of fleas to suck blood. 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 Joy Amongst the Sai,aried Barkers over Saint Anthony 
 THE Dog Catcher. — Apoiheosis oe Anthony.— Marvel- 
 lous Efflorescence of His great Bump. — Receives 
 Great Praise from the Monstrous Fleas. 
 
 fOW when the Church of the Fleas had diligently 
 considered Loveh- Anthony the Dog Catcher for 
 awhile, they said one to another, "Lo! The King- 
 dom of Heaven is at hand." 
 
 And the salaried barkers said amongst them- 
 selves, " Behold, a powerful helper in the Vine- 
 yard ! Now shall (?«;' labors be easy and our bur- 
 dens light. Now will it not be so hard to per- 
 suade dogs to come to the Means of Grace. No longer shall we 
 have merely our labor and sweat for our pains. Now shall we 
 gather in the erring by wholesale, for with Lovely Anthony to 
 twist their tails for i:s they will moreeasily see the error of their 
 sinful ways. No longer shall our 'Missions' be filled with empty 
 benches. No longer will those depraved loafers dare to make 
 grievous faces at our Missionaries. No longer shall Vice stalk 
 abroad hindering and nullifying the irresistible Gospel ; for 
 God hath now the valuable help of the police. Things are as 
 they should be, and the lines arc fallen unto us in pleasant places. 
 Thank God for Anthony." 
 
 And the salaried barkers of the Church of the Fleas did send 
 messengers unto the dwelling place of the Lovely Anthony, to 
 reverently inquire of him when it would be convenient to him to 
 come down and be made a god of. And Anthony the Dog Catcher 
 was graciously pleased to appoint a day, and they brought 
 him to the Sanctuarv and set him on high and burnt incense and 
 
 »8 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 89 
 
 sang praises unto him and prostrated themselves before him and 
 hailed him as their Dexter Bower and their Sinister Bower and 
 the'.r Great Labor Saver, the great Sin Killer and Bringer-in of 
 the Millennium. 
 
 And they put upon his head a golden crown, and iu his paws 
 a hammer of iron and fetters of brass, crying " Hail ! King of 
 Depravity Squelchers ! With these tools shalt thou bring in the 
 Kingdom of Righteousness and Love !" 
 
 And Lovely Anthony the Dog Catcher and Depravity Squel- 
 cher was graciously pleased with their homage, and smiled and 
 felt good, and held up his head ; when lo ! on the top thereof, 
 on the spot marked on human skulls by creatures called phre- 
 nologists as the bump of Self-Conceit, there appeared an eleva- 
 tion which, throbbing and swelling like unto "rising" dough, 
 grew and grew until it reached half a cubit in height and burst 
 into flower ; at which wonderful moment the sun did shine 
 through the window full upon him. Whereupon there fell upon 
 the adoring barkers a great awe ; and they said these signs were 
 Heaven's seal set unto Lovely Anthony's patent new method of 
 bringing in the Kingdom of Heaven upon earth. 
 
 Then did the salaried barkers send arotmd to the Monstrous 
 Fleas and pray them to come along at once and see the great 
 and divinely appointed Sin Killer and pay him their worship- 
 ful respects. But the Monstrous Fleas returned answer that 
 they had a great work to do, and could not come around ; 
 that they exceedingly regretted that they were just then so 
 excessively busy filling their paunches with blood, and trying 
 to hold themselves up to the requisite standard of tight plethora, 
 that they could not come down, and that they sent their highest 
 regards to their Heaven-sent friend and Society Saviour, with 
 their loftiest approval of and profoundest admiration for his new 
 method of holding bad, depraved and vicious dogs with their 
 noses towards Virtue and the open church doors — which was, 
 thev said, absolutely necessary to the Safety of Investments and 
 the Regularity of Dividends, to say nothing of the saving of 
 
do 
 
 THE DOCS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 poor dogs' precious and immortal souls which lay very uear to 
 their hearts— and that if the Lovely Anthony could spare a few 
 moments and step around to see them as they sat about the Tank, 
 why they would be very happy to worship him for a few 
 moments. 
 
 And it was so. And Lovely Anthony did step around to see 
 them, and the Monstrous Fleas inclined their heads as they 
 drank, and gave him the assurances of their most distinguished 
 consideration and promises of unlimited contributions of wealth 
 to his great and noble work. And Anthony was much pleased 
 with their homage and the blessed evidences of their love for 
 him ; and the elevation on the top of his head went up another 
 half cubit and bore several flowers. 
 
 And the Monstrous Fleas showed him to the dogs that did 
 grind at the Handle ; who did droop their heads and tremble 
 with awe of him, and make solemn resolutions within them- 
 selves to be good and nevermore think evil of the Monstrous 
 Fleas that had been divinely appointed to drink the bloc d they 
 had been divinely appointed to grind out for them. 
 
CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 One EYED Elder Berry is Jealous of IvOvely Anthony. 
 — His Philosophy and Logic. — His Plan to Save Little 
 Bow-wows AND How it Worked. — Remarkable Success 
 OE THE Society in not Prevent- 
 ing Cruelty. 
 
 MONGST the multitude that did 
 gather to the worship of Saiut An- 
 thony the Lovely was one of the 
 many Chaos Menders. He also 
 had a well embalmed brain, and had 
 but one eye which had the singular 
 optical property of turning every vis- 
 ible object in the universe into the image of a poor, suffering 
 little bow-wow. And when he smelt the incense and heard the 
 hymns of adoration and saw the worshipful prosternation to 
 Lovely Anthony, the bile of envy suffused his noble features and 
 turned his little bovv-v.ow-seeing solitary eye a green of emerald 
 hue, that grew more green with envy with every moment's 
 duration of the adoration of Anthony. And one of the adoring 
 barkers, who was less intent and absorbed in his devotions than 
 the rest, observing him, said unto him : 
 
 "Brother Elder Berry, why are thy features suflFused; and why 
 is thine orb of vision so green ? Art thou in an unsanitary 
 state? Art thou sick? Hast thou a Crisis ? Tell me, for thou 
 alarmest me !" 
 
 And the One-eyed Elder Berry answered and said : "I am 
 not sick ; I am not in an unsanitary state ; I am only grieved ; 
 grieved for the foolishness of these adoring simpletons in wor- 
 
 91 
 
92 thp: dogs and the fleas. 
 
 shiping this illogical Antliony Thumpem Clubstock. Why all 
 this idiotic fuss over his tom-fool trying to reform hardened old 
 dogs who are eternally fixed in the ways of Vice and Sin ? No 
 one but a stark, stamping, staring fool would try to untwist a 
 twisted old apple tree with screws and levers and chains. None 
 but a supreme fool would try it. The only wise way is to train 
 the little, growing, pliable sapling and shape it exactly as you 
 want it. That is Wisdom's way ; that is the way ; that is my 
 way ; that is the only adorable way ; and were this assembl}^ 
 wise they would now be worshipping ME, the Sin Preventer, 
 and not paying idolatrous adoration to this strange god of a Dog 
 Catcher, for I am the only original and genuine Sin Curer ; all 
 others are bogus and counterfeit ; my name is blown in on the 
 bottle, and see that you get it, and take no other ; protected by 
 letters patent, and all infringers will be prosecuted to the full 
 extent of the law." 
 
 "And what would'st thou do, dear Elder Berry ?" asked the 
 barker. "Thou speakest but in figure." 
 
 "Do?" replied the One-eyed, " Seest thou not, thou two- 
 eyed barker, that it is the depraved little bow-wows that need 
 the Vice-Suppressor's care rather than the old and hardened 
 ones? Keep the young and tender ones from going wrong and 
 there'll be no old dogs going wrong, and no Vice to suppress. 
 Let me trace the Genesis of Vice. I have applied mine Eye 
 to the matter, and I find it begins with the horrible cruelty of 
 those depraved and hungry dogs sending theirlittle ones abroad 
 from the parental kennels into the streets to scratch for bones 
 and scraps. No old dogs with any heart would be so wicked as 
 to drive out those tender and helpless little dears thus to 
 scratch. It is mere hungry greed on their parents' part ; it is 
 immoral ; it is cruel ; it is destructive to Society in every way. 
 The little bow-wows thus get acquainted early with the wicked- 
 ness of the streets ; and in the fierce struggle of life their tender 
 health, both of body and mind, is destroj'ed. Their dear little 
 bodies are fatigued, and their desires after better things are 
 
THE DOGS AND THE PtEAS. 0.1 
 
 cbilled, benumbed aud destroyed. Thus have they no mind to 
 walk betimes in Wisdom's ways and mind Religion young. And, 
 more awful still, their constitutions being early undermined, 
 they grow up puny, feeble, ill nourished and thin blooded ; so 
 that they are not properly capable of doing their full duty at 
 the Handle of the Mill or of yielding their due amount of blood 
 to the fleas God has appointed them to carry. 
 
 "This greed of their parents ought to be — must be — curbed, 
 and this cruelty to the little bow-wows and wrong to Society 
 brought to an end. Behold the fleas, now ; they set a beautiful 
 example ; they do not greedily send out their little ones to help 
 suck blood ; they protect, nurture, watch over them, educate 
 them and give them all advantages until they are big enough 
 and strong enough to suck for themselves ; and the consequence 
 is they grow up to be honored and respected members of 
 Society. All this hath mine eye seen. 
 
 " Here is the root of the evil. Now, this Lovely Anthony 
 strikes not at the root of the evil ; he strikes only at \hs. fruit ; 
 and therein he is off his head and far removed from his base ; 
 and therefore are these barkers and Monstrous Fleas off" their 
 heads and far removed from their bases, in worshiping him. 
 But when they see my method they will worship me instead, if 
 they know a good thing when they see it." 
 
 And when the adoration of Lovely Anthony was over, Brother 
 Elder Berry, the One-eyed, and his friend the barker, did con- 
 sult together, and did call in several of the other barkers to the 
 consultation ; and the proposed method of the One-eyed found 
 favor in their eyes, and they helped him to form a Gang of Sav- 
 iors, which they baptized with the name of "The Society for 
 the Prevention of Cruelty to Little Bow-wows." And they spake 
 unto Pup McPoodle, and he gave police dogs unto the One- 
 eyed Elder Berry, that he might have power to club and batter 
 and hammer the heads of all such as might seek to prevent him 
 preventing cruelty. And the Monstrous Fleas, hearing of this 
 most praiseworthy attempt to improve the blood of dogs, and to 
 
94 THE DOGS AND THE FLEA^. 
 
 add more vigor to those who turned the Handle, seut him theii* 
 most sincere invocation of God's blessing upon him, and the 
 assurance of their most earnest desire to co-operate with him, by 
 large donations of wealth, or any other form of assistance they 
 might be able to render, 
 
 Aud the One-eyed Elder Berry and his gang did much infest 
 the streets of Canisville ; and the}' picked up many little bow- 
 wows that did scratch in the streets, and spake austerel}' to 
 them, aud told them they mustn't ; and they made the little 
 bow-wows tell who were the wicked parents that had, because 
 of greed, sent them out; and' they went and spake austerely 
 unto those parents, and told them they mustn't ; and when those 
 parents explained that they were very hungry and did them- 
 selves scratch for bones and scraps all day in the streets, and 
 even then did not find enough to stay their hunger, aud could 
 not appease the hunger of the little bow-wows, they rebuked 
 them austerel)', and told them their hunger was all greed aud 
 cruelty to the little bow-wows, to whom they owed more affec- 
 tion and duty, and that really they mustn't any more. So they 
 made the little bow-wows stay within their holes and corners, 
 where they hungered and perished, for the old bow-wows could 
 not maintain them. Whereupon the little fleas and the big fleas 
 and the Monstrous Fleas did give the One-eyed Elder Berry a 
 hint that this kiud of prevention of cruelty was not working 
 well, and tended to diminish the supply of dogs and bring to 
 pass the prevention of Dividends — which was a prevention 
 they could not sanction under any consideration at all. 
 
 Therefore the One-eyed Elder Berry did desist from catching 
 the poor little starving. bow-wows in the street, in the day time ; 
 and his vision of being one day set on high and worshiped, as 
 was Anthony the Dog Catcher, grew dim. But certain of his 
 gang advised him that certain moderately plump and comfortable 
 little bow-wows had been seen going at night to certain places, 
 to dance for a few minutes for a good basketful of meat, to 
 amuse certain of the Canisvillians. 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 95 
 
 "Ah! Say ye SO?" exclaimed the One-eyed Berry, as his one 
 eye bulged and lit up with the phosphorescent glow of hope of 
 immortal fame, "dancing by little bow-wows, did ye say ? Why, 
 here is Sin, concentrated Iniquity, hydraulically pressed, 
 rammed and condensed Wickedness, enough, under any favor- 
 ably accidental expansion, to poison the whole moral atmos- 
 phere of Canisville, and kill us all. And to think that these 
 tender and immature bow-wows are set to enact it all." 
 
 And he diligently inquired where this evil might be found ; 
 and they told him, and he hied himself thither, and sat and 
 saw the little bow-wows dance ; and his eye bulged with 
 horror as he perceived that the little bow-wows loved the dance, 
 and were delighted with the large reward for the little work, 
 which enabled them to take more to the kennels of their par- 
 ents in one night than the parents could scratch up in the streets 
 in a month. 
 
 And his horror grew still more when he found by visits to 
 their kennels that these parent dogs were having much easier 
 times than other dogs, through the efforts of these little bow- 
 wows, which, on their part, grew plump and well-to-do. 
 
 This, said he, was cruelty of the cruellest sort, to turn these 
 poor little tender innocents out at iiight — and worse — to dance, 
 which was more exhausting to their vitality and — what was of 
 infinitely more moment — their morals, than any amount of 
 hungry scratching in the streets for bones and scraps. 
 
 But the parent dogs and others said it was not so ; the little 
 bow-wows were well nourished and well sheltered and protected 
 from the storms and tempests, and hunger and wickedness of 
 the streets, and were infinitely better off than the poor unfor- 
 tunate bow-wows of the famishing wretches that did grind 
 at the Handle of the Mill, that were thrown into the hopper 
 to satisfy the blood greed of his dear friends, the' Monstrous 
 Fleas. 
 
 All which failed to move him to the right or left of his right- 
 eous determination to suppress cruelty to small bow-wows; for he 
 
96 
 
 THE DOCS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 set his police dogs to prevent these little ones daticing. Which 
 they did. 
 
 And the little ones no more received good basketfuls for a 
 little work, and they and the parent dogs did starve in their 
 kennels, until compelled to go out into the wicked streets, and 
 scratch from early morning until midnight for awfully meatless 
 bones, or until the old dogs were compelled to fling them into 
 the hopper of the Mill, as a fee to the Monstrous Fleas, to be 
 allowed to grind and drop dead at the Handle. 
 
 Thus did the One-eyed Elder Berry prevent cruelty to little 
 bow-wows. 
 
CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 Virtue and Victuals. — The Conductometer. — Terrible 
 Fate of Those Who Teach Unrevealed Religion 
 AND Blasphemously Attempt to Save Bodies Rather 
 Than Souls. 
 
 N spite, however, of the efforts of the mighty crowd 
 of Vice Suppressors, Sia Killers, and Depravity 
 Squelchers, putters down of this, that and t'other, 
 and preventers of t'other, that and this, the depravity 
 of the dogs went on increasing. The poor dogs were 
 harassed on all sides and suffered a grand battue, 
 but the Church and the salaried barkers on whose 
 behalf the battue was undertaken, bagged very little of the 
 game ; hundreds slipped through the well organized ranks of 
 the beaters and clubbers and got themselves away to out-of-the- 
 way holes and corners where they perversely went down and 
 down aud down in the depths of depravity. They had grown 
 utterly disheartened in the everlasting and ferocious struggle 
 for a liviiig ; and in spite of the good missionaries who told 
 them they must walk in the Fear of God, they grew reckless 
 aud said the Fear of God fills no bellies, that the Fear of God 
 was all very well when you had a good pile of good victuals laid 
 by in the kennel, but when you hadn't, the Fear of Hunger 
 was the only Fear it was incumbent upon a poor dog to fear. 
 
 The good missionaries were much shocked, of course, with 
 such manifestation of disregard for what they called "higher 
 things" and begged of them to read the little tract called the 
 "Way of Life," but these depraved dogs did grievously and 
 
 97 
 
98 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 irreligiously retort that Victuals was the only " Way of Life " 
 they cared for, and did turn their tails and depart, and they were 
 no more heard of in Good Society. 
 
 But there were divers perverse dogs that would neither walk 
 in the "Way of Life" and the "Fear of God," nor go uown 
 in the depths of depravity. By the merest good luck they 
 managed to feed fairly well, and this, they said, was the only 
 reason why they did not become as depraved as their fellow dogs. 
 • These were very philosophical dogs in their way. They 
 boldly declared that the foundation and nine tenths of the super- 
 structure of all the virtue and good conduct in the world is 
 plenty of good honest victuals ; and that that particular form 
 of irregular conduct in dogs called Crime is neither vice nor 
 wickedness, necessarily, but is, mostly. Nature's blind and 
 instinctive rebellion and protest against the deprivation, by Law, 
 of victuals and other natural rights. Therefore, said they, as 
 the conduct called Crime is the direct creation and result of 
 Law, it is very funny that the Law should disown and declare it 
 illegal. 
 
 These philosophical dogs had constructed what they called a 
 Conductometer, by which they illustrated the working of their 
 theory. 
 
 This was an ordinary living dog whose stomach had been made 
 visible through the said dog having accidentally, one day, got 
 in line with a thing called a "gun " in the hands of an animal 
 of the human species called a "Sport," who had "touched it 
 off" just for fun, and blown a hole in the poor dog's ribs. 
 
 This dog these philosophers found writhing in pain ; and they 
 dragged him away and hid him to nurse and heal him. 
 
 And one said, "Why not utilize this Providential Opening 
 through which to scientifically observe the relationship between 
 Victuals and Virtue, about which there is so much dispute now- 
 adays? " 
 
 And the proposition seemed good unto them ; and it was so, 
 that they stretched over the aperture a transparent n:embrane, 
 
THB DOGS AND THE FI^EAS. 
 
 99 
 
 on which they marked a graduated scale whose zero was 
 located at half fullness of the stomach ; and they called the 
 instrument a " Conductometer." 
 
 Into this stomach they injected, by means of a funnel, a 
 specially prepared, nutritious food, and by means of the scale 
 they observed the relationship of the dog's behavior to the food 
 in his stomach. 
 
 Now, it was ob- 
 served that when 
 the quantity of his 
 food was at the zero 
 line, he was just an 
 ordinary dog, with 
 just ordinary moral 
 ideas ; but for every 
 degree above zero 
 he improved, and 
 for every degree be- 
 low he deteriorated. 
 
 When they in- 
 jected two or three 
 above-zero degrees 
 of food into him, 
 his eye brightened, 
 and his moral per- 
 ceptions grew more 
 acute. At this point 
 they asked him, 
 " What is thine 
 opinion of the Commandment ' Thou Shalt not Steal ? ' " 
 
 And he replied "It is an excellent one ; no dog ought to steal." 
 
 Then they filled him up one or two more degrees, and asked 
 him the same question. "It is shocking to steal," said he, "and 
 the dog that does not know the difference between meum and 
 tuum ought to be made to know it with a club." 
 
 ruLL 
 
166 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FI^AS. 
 
 Then they filled him full up. Aud a glow of most beautiful 
 iutelligeuce came iuto his eye ; a most reposeful calm came over 
 his frame ; a heavenly peace overspread his countenance, and 
 he displayed a decided propensity to piety, and an irresistible 
 tendency to hold forth like a fat-salaried barker, on the virtue 
 of Contentment with one's earthly lot, Trust in God aud the 
 
 beauties of Law and Order. 
 "What now is thine 
 opinion of the Command- 
 ment? " they asked. 
 
 "Oh, the unutterable 
 wickedness of Theft and 
 Crime," he replied, " it is 
 abominable ; it is damn- 
 able ; no law can be too 
 stringent and severe 
 against it ; aud any one 
 guilty of breaking the Law 
 ought to be hanged, drawn 
 and quartered, and fed to ' 
 the beasts of the field and 
 the buzzards and vultures 
 of the air as a prey and as 
 a Avarning to others. Oh ! 
 The very contemplation of 
 Crime makes me shudder ; 
 do, oh do, change the pain- 
 ful subject ; " and a strong 
 spasm of pain thrilled his 
 frame from nose to tail. 
 But when they allowed his supply of stomach furniture to run 
 low, the glow of most beautiful intelligence went out of his eye, 
 the most reposeful calm came off his frame, the heavenly peace 
 went off his countenance, and the propensity to bold forth, like 
 a fat-salaried barker, on Contentment and Trust in God, left him. 
 
 tMPTY 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 101 
 
 And when his supply registered one degree below zero they 
 asked him " What is thine opinion of the Commandment Thou 
 
 Shalt not Steal ? ' " ^ ,. „. ,, -^ ■ 
 
 And he replied, absent-mindedly, "Steal? Steal? Well; it is 
 not right— to be caught at it." _. 
 
 But as it fell lower and lower, the dimness of his moral vision 
 increased, until at the lowest-the starvation point-his eyes 
 glared and bulged with a ferocious insanity ; and when asked 
 then "Is it wrong to steal? What is the difference between 
 memn and tuum?- he viciously cursed and snarled and snapped 
 at his questioners, and replied that he did not comprehend their 
 idiotic jargon, he wanted something to eat. 
 
 All which, these philosophers said, demonstrated that Vice 
 Crime and Sin (so called) are merely symptoms of Want and 
 Poverty, and vacuity of the alimentary canal ; and they boldly 
 asserted that a good sound Gospel of Comfort and Plenty, 
 earnestly preached would do more in five minutes to cleanse the 
 earth of sin and fill it with righteousness, than all the barkings 
 of all the salaried barkers, and all the sin suppressing machinery 
 of clubs and ropes in the world would do in five thousand years. 
 And when these words came to the ears of the salaried barkers 
 and the Sin Suppressors they were greatly scandalized, and said 
 they had never heard such blasphemous and ungospel talk. It 
 was actually bringing into contempt the sacred machinery of 
 vice squelching, which had been incorporated by the State, hal- 
 lowed by the Church, and had grown through long years and by 
 the expenditure of great wealth and invention, to the propor- 
 tions of a National Institution, and a great Vested Interest It 
 was actually insinuating, most wickedly, that there was a short, 
 simple and direct way of attaining an object, which was a gross 
 insult to the memory of the heaven-anointed Clubstocks, Elder 
 Berrys Blatherskites and other sanctified ones whose genius had 
 invented the present elaborately involuted, convoluted, con- 
 glomerated and roundabout way of getting at it. But, above 
 all it was a direct blow at the livelihood of thousands of good 
 
103 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 and moral dogs who were given employment, at good feed, to 
 operate the machinery, who would, if this new-fangled and 
 highly irreligious Gospel of Victuals were adopted, be thrown 
 completely — yes, completely, brethren — out of work. 
 
 So the Vice Squelchers and the barkers and the eminent fleas 
 had some of these new gospellers arrested ; and they set certain 
 lewd Dogs of Belial to witness against them that they had blas- 
 phemed Religion, and had plotted a great plot to kill off the 
 fleas, and inaugurate an awful Society and Civilization of Flea- 
 less Dogs. 
 
 Then the judges ordered horns and hoofs and spiked tails and 
 dragons' teeth to be fitted upon them, and that they be brought 
 before the multitude ; in whose sight they painted them blacker 
 than hell, and told the mob that these dogs were dragons and 
 devils. Whereupon the deceived and enraged multitude did 
 set up a great cry " Hang them ! Hang them ! Hang them !"' 
 
 So they were delivered over to the police dogs, who carried 
 them away and hanged them. 
 
 Thus were they suppressed. 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 Shows that Virtue is Much More a Matter of Victuals 
 THAN IS Commonly Imagined. — How the Reverend 
 Doctor Immaculate Barkworst Went out to Save Sin- 
 ners.— Some Kinds of Virtue More Vicious than Vice. 
 
 N process of time it was noised abroad 
 that there existed in Canisville a 
 a crowd of dissolute dogs, who, 
 on the sly and in dark, holes 
 and corners of the town, 
 smeared themselves all over 
 with filth at night, and danced 
 before other dirty dogs ; which 
 other dirty dogs would reward 
 the dirty dancers with a few 
 bones. 
 
 So the dancing dogs were able 
 to live— which, the dancing dogs 
 said, was the main thing in life ; 
 whereas as for Virtue, there was 
 no wealth in it ; they could get 
 along very nicely withoutVirtue, 
 but they must have Victuals. 
 They said they had gone to every 
 market and tried to exchange 
 their L,abor for something to eat, and all the fleas and all the 
 salaried barkers, and even the missionary dogs, had laughed at 
 them and uttered some jargon about the Labor Market being 
 
 103 
 
104 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 Glutted, which some dogs, well educated in foreign languages, 
 had translated unto them to mean, that a very great deal of 
 Labor would buy only a very little bone with a very little meat 
 on it, and that all skin and gristle. They had tried to find a 
 place at the Handle of the fleas' Blood and Bones Grindery, but 
 had with difficulty escaped being thrown into the hopper. And 
 having nothing but Virtue to sell for Victuals they had sold 
 that ; and, strange as it might appear, that fetched a far better 
 price than honest toil. So, if in the market Labor was held in 
 such contempt, they did not see that they were bound to hold it 
 in reverence, and if Society made it easier for poor dogs to be 
 wicked than virtuous, that was Society's look-out, not theirs. 
 
 So the dirty dogs lived with less discomfort than honest and 
 virtuous dogs — that is, than those who passed for honest and 
 virtuous ; for there were multitudes of respected dogs that 
 passed by daylight as good and proper dogs, that sneaked away 
 "at midnight to the haunts of the filthy dogs, to see them dance. 
 And there were to be found there, too, very many of the most 
 highly respected members of the Church of the Fleas, who 
 took pleasure in the dances of the filthy dogs and paid good 
 prices for admission thereto, who wouldn't have had the fact 
 known for the world. 
 
 Now, certain zealous members of the Church of the Fleas, who 
 were gifted with very long and sharp noses, which they were 
 eternally poking into business not their own, got to know of the 
 existence and occupation of the filthy dogs ; and they were 
 greatly scandalized thereby ; for these dogs were not only vile 
 and depraved — which was bad — but were escaping the tribute 
 all dogs were divineW appointed to pay to the support of the 
 fleas — which was worse. Therefore, for these two reasons, were 
 they determined to break up their business and drive them 
 forth to earn their living by what they called honest toil, that 
 is, by grinding and fainting at the Handle of the Blood and 
 Bones Grindery. 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 105 
 
 These good suckers were awfully " concerned for the spiritual 
 welfare " of these bad dogs — that is, they were awfully afraid 
 they were going to Hell the wrong way ; aud they were 
 determiued to drive them into the right way. So they called 
 upon the police dogs to suppress them, to drive them into the 
 highways and make them "move on." But they could not 
 tell the police where they were to "move on" to; and the 
 police didn't know, and the comfortable dogs didn't worry, and 
 the rich fleas didn't care, and everybody else said it was none of 
 his business ; and so everything was in a muddle, and nothing 
 much w^as done, save that occasionally one of the dirty dogs got 
 hit on the head. 
 
 But in process of time there arose a mighty dog of a prophet 
 that got exceeding much meat and a great deal of soft comfort 
 for ministering in one of the churches of the fleas. He was 
 the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst, and he had 
 a very much swollen head, with a bump of self-conceit upon it 
 that stood up like a pinnacle. Aud he preached thus unto the 
 sleek fleas: 
 
 " Brethren, ye know of this scandal of the filthy dogs in our 
 midst, how it is corrupting our youth and deteriorating the 
 quality of the honest dogs that labor; so that Labor — the noblest, 
 the most sacred and God-blest occupation that dogs can be 
 called unto, and which fleas are divinely 7iot called unto — will 
 fall into contempt, and the revenuesof the fleas ^'owr re venues, 
 my dearly beloved masters — will begin to diminish. 
 
 " Oh, my dear masters ! The strength and safety of our coun- 
 try lie in keeping our dogs virtuous and industrious, and culti- 
 vating within them the love of the sacred and healthily stimu- 
 lating amusements of singing psalms and muttering credos. 
 
 "But, my brethren and beloved masters, it is well-known that 
 these scandalous dogs do mock at honest toil and Virtue, aud 
 have irreligiously set up Victuals as the great object of life ; and 
 have, moreover, blasphemously said that the only difference 
 between us, the salaried barkers, and them, is the difference iu 
 
106 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 Victuals — thus libellously and coutumeliously insinuating that • 
 we do not love Virtue more than Victuals. 
 
 " Now, my dear masters, this evil must be driven out at any 
 cost. We have laws to drive them out. We have every kind 
 of driving out, moving on, and sin suppressing society to put 
 them down. Why are they not driven out therefore ? Because 
 the police dogs are vile and corrupt, and "stand in" with 
 the filthy dogs. I denounce these police dogs, and declare that 
 we will drive out the filthy dogs, if they won't." 
 
 And all the sleek and unctuous fleas said the discourse was well 
 spoken, and that if ever there was a true follower of the meek 
 and lowly Jesus, this was he. And straightway the zealous 
 fleas gathered themselves together and organized the "Filthy 
 Dog Driving Out Society," and they made the Very Reverend 
 Doctor Immaculate Barkworst, the President thereof. 
 
 And Doctor Immaculate Barkworst again called on the police 
 dogs in the name of the Law and the Lord and the Driving Out 
 Society to drive out the filthy dogs. But the police dogs made 
 excuses and said they were doing the best they could ; and if 
 the}' could not do more it was for want of Evidence. Where- 
 upon the Very Reverend Immaculate waxed wroth and said, 
 " Dogs that ye are ; ye unzealous for souls ; ye cowardly for 
 Religion ; /will get Evidence." 
 
 So the Immaculate got himself up in slouchy raiment, and 
 taking with him several soft-headed bow-wows, also got up in 
 slouchy raiment, proceeded one moonless midnight, by divers 
 dark and devious ways (which came natural to him), to the 
 haunt of the filthy dogs, and having knocked at the door, waited 
 for admission. 
 
 Whereupon the Inside Guard of the Haunt peered through 
 the wicket of the door, and seeing strangers there, demanded of 
 them, " Who are ye, and what want ye? " 
 
 To which demand the Immaculate replied, " We be Jays and 
 Hayseeds from a far country, and seekers after midnight 
 pleasures." 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FtEAS. 107 
 
 " Are ye true and honest seekers ? " asked the Inside Guard. 
 
 "In the name of honesty and all verity, we are," answered 
 the Immaculate. 
 
 "But, how shall I know that ye are not spies? " queried the 
 Inside Guard. 
 
 " By our proving to you," said the Immaculate, " that we are 
 really and truly filthy dogs, like unto you." 
 
 " But," said the Inside Guard, 'something about your garb 
 seems to indicate that thou and thy fellows are not what thou 
 sayest ye are ; that ye are are not really filthy dogs. Wilt thou 
 swear to me that ye are what thou sayest ye are ? " 
 
 "Yea, verily, will I," replied the Immaculate Barkworst, 
 " I do solemnly swear, that / am a dirty dog, a very dirty dog ; 
 that in spite of something in my garb, I am a low-down, filthy 
 reveller from Filthville, and that these, my pals, are as filthy as 
 I, if not filthier. Behold, also, we have the wherewithal to pay 
 for seeing your sports." 
 
 But the Inside Guard still suspiciously hesitated, and said, 
 "Pardon me if I seem discourteous in keeping ye thus long in 
 the cold ; but we are such harassed aud hunted dogs ; there are 
 so many Societies seeking our destruction and scatteratiou, that 
 we are obliged to be very cautious and careful ; and ye may be 
 spies also seeking to betray us. Now, will ye swear unto us 
 that if we deal faithfully with you, ye will also deal faithfully 
 with us? " 
 
 And the Immaculate and the other sneaks replied, "We will, " 
 and they swore. 
 
 But the Inside Guard said to the Immaculate, " There yet 
 seems to be something about thee that betokens that thou hast 
 been and lived somewhere where the Spirit of Christ is, and 
 may have somewhat of a taint of that Spirit upon thee, in which 
 case thou canst in no wise be admitted." 
 
 And the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst was 
 grieved to be kept so long at the door ; and he said, " Before 
 Heaven, I do solemnly swear that there is no taint of that 
 
108 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 objectionable Spirit on me. The Odor thou smellest on me is 
 the real old honest one that belongs to an Old Frequenter, 
 •which I am. Search me, try me, examine me, smell of me, and 
 thou shalt find not the slightest trace of that Spirit about me. 
 And as with me, so it is with these, my pals." 
 
 And the Inside Guard called assistants, and they examined 
 him with strong magnifying glasses, and turned him over and 
 inside out, and probed him and smelt of him, and tested him 
 chemically, and finding no trace of the Spirit of Christ in him, 
 and that he had told the Truth, they said, " Pass him in ; he is 
 a genuine dirty dog like unto the dirtiest of us, and no spy." 
 
 So the Reverend Immaculate and the other dirty bow-wows 
 had a high old time ; and they saw all the sports and the 
 dances ; and they made themselves at home and hugely en- 
 joyed the dirty revel ; and never once did any of them betray 
 the slightest sign that they had so much as heard of Jesus. 
 
 But afterwards, this dirty dog of a prophet got up in the 
 Church of the Fleas, and boasted of the things he and his 
 fellow dirty ones had done ; of the dark and devious ways by 
 which they had gone to the Haunt of the filthy dogs and got 
 Evidence ; of the lies they had told and acted to obtain an 
 inside sight thereof ; of the filth they had smeared themselves 
 over with to identify themselves with the filthy ones ; of the 
 risk they had run of being caught by the police dogs and " run 
 in," as part of the ungodly crew, and of the terrible plight they 
 would have been in — had the police dogs caught them — to ex- 
 plain to those undisceruing and thick-headed animals that they 
 were rolling in the filth for a high and lofty moral purpose, and 
 to the glory of God, and were breaking the law in order to get 
 it enforced ; how they had plighted their troth with them in 
 order that they might gain their faith in order to violate it, and 
 betray them to the police dogs, to be worried and mutilated 
 and made to " move on." 
 
 And all the Church of the Fleas applauded, and said he was a 
 right lovely dog, who had given the ELingdom of Heaven on 
 
THTt DOGS AND YHK FLEAS. 
 
 109 
 
 Earth a tremeudous shove forward, and brought Society within 
 nieasureable distance of the millennium, and had shown beyond 
 doubt, that the only truly efficacious way of making the Blessed 
 Gospel Chariot go, was to get the police to push behind ; and 
 asked a special blessing upon him, and made him up a special 
 basketful of meat, and gave him a holiday to go across the 
 pond and rest, and lick himself clean. 
 
 And at their next session, the " Filthy Dog Driving Out 
 Society," resoluted the following resolutions : 
 
 "Whereas: Our beloved and right morally lovely servant, 
 the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst, has, at 
 immense risk of, and peril to, his own virtue, and with a great 
 sacrifice of Truth and Honesty, explored the Haunt of Vice in 
 our midst, and turned thereupon a great light, and has caused 
 the vile inhabitants thereof to be chased out by Law, to "move 
 on " and die and rot — as they do most richly deserve — and has 
 given us a clean city once more ; 
 
 "Resolved : That we approve his methods ; and, 
 "Resolved : That we hold it to be an irrefragable truth, that 
 the End always justifies the Means, and 
 that any follower of Jesus may lie in the 
 cause of Truth ; may crawl through the 
 foulest and most stenchful sewer in the 
 interest of Purity ; may break the Law to 
 get Evidence of its breach by others; may 
 break the most solemnly plighted faith 
 with sinners in order to trap them into 
 the meshes of the Law ; may do all man- 
 ner of evil that good may come of it. 
 And finally be it 
 "Resolved : That the relentless infliction of the penalties of 
 the Law is the onl}- effective remedy for Sin, and the only sure 
 way of making sinners love God ; and that He who said, 
 ' Neither do I condemn thee ; go and sin no more,' was a good- 
 hearted and very well-meaning person, and all very well for 
 
11.0 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE PLEAS. 
 
 those antiquated clays ; but for these enlightened and progres- 
 sive days, there is noihing like a well-organized police." 
 
 But when the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Bark worst 
 returned from over the pond, it was found that the fresh air of 
 Heaven had not quite removed the evil odor of him ; for some 
 of the filth with which he had smeared himself still stuck to 
 him and made him disagreeable to decent dogs and all save the 
 fleas of the church and the multitudinous Societies like his 
 own ; and in their nostrils his stenchful odor was a sweet smell- 
 ing savor. 
 
 And as for the bow-wows that smeared themselves with him, 
 they never were able to wash themselves quite clean again ; 
 and it was afterwards found that one of them who had sworn 
 that he was a dirty dog had sworn truly. 
 
CHAPTER XX. 
 Shows How Hard it Is to Establish Piety Amongst the 
 
 UnREGENERATE ; AND -ALSO WhaT HAPPENS WHEN THE 
 
 Irresistible Comes in Contact With the Immovable. 
 — The Blue Thunderbolts. 
 
 iMINENT over all the gangs whose objects were the 
 ' 'saving' ' of dogs, was the ' 'Society for the Protection 
 of the Almighty." This was the gang of gangs, the 
 elite of the rest, the real and truly genuine born- 
 blinds, live-bliuds and die-blinds. It had its origin 
 countless ages before the founding of Canisville, and 
 had been in all those ages the ever-ready help of 
 fleas in the bloody exploitation of dogs. 
 In the beginning did the very acute fleas discover that if dogs 
 were to be thoroughly and easily bled, they must be taught to 
 close their eyes and bow down and believe that over them stood 
 a terrifically awful thing, called Almighty Wrath. And in those 
 
 111 
 
112 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 early times most dogs had closed their eyes and bo^ved deem in 
 fear of the Wrath that stood over them. And the fleas had 
 prospered mightily thereby ; for they had taken advantage of 
 the dogs' prostration to get on their backs in fearful numbers ; 
 and when the dogs had howled and grown restless, they had 
 hired the salaried barkers of those times to bend over the dogs 
 and pour into their ears that it was the Will of the Almighty 
 that they lie quiet under the bleeding of the fleas, the penalty 
 for disobedience of which Will was to be stricken with lightnings 
 and everlasting destruction. 
 
 But in spite of all the terrors, divers dogs at divers times did 
 venture with pitter-pattering hearts to slyly steal a look upward, 
 and seeing nothing real there but fleas, and salaried barkers 
 bending low and pouring tales of woe into the ears of prostrate 
 dogs, did nudge their neighbors and tell them to look up and see 
 for themselves that there was nothing there ; which sometimes 
 the neighbor timidly did, and was disillusionized ; but more 
 often the neighbor dog groaned with additional terror of the 
 suggestion, and closed his eyes tighter than ever, and grovelled 
 lower, and prayed that the Almighty would forgive the wicked- 
 ness of the temptation and the audacity of the tempter. 
 
 However, in time quite a number got to furtively peeping up ; 
 and each dog, seeing others peeping up too, grew bold, and not 
 only looked up, but stood up, and laughed at his own former 
 folly and at the long lines of foolish dogs bowed down in fear of 
 Nothing. 
 
 Whereupon the fleas and the barkers M'ere alarmed and coun- 
 selled together as to what was best to be done ; for they foresaw 
 that if all the dogs got to looking up they would see that the 
 Almighty Vengeance was a Fiction, and might also proceed to 
 the impious length of casting the fleas off their backs. 
 
 So they agreed that something strong must be done, and done 
 quickly, or the Almighty might be overthrown and perish. 
 Some of the fleas counselled that the barkers increase their 
 diligence in assuring the prostrate dogs of the reality of the 
 
THE nOGS AND THE ELEAS. 113 
 
 Wrath, and use more Itnaginatiou in the recital of his terrors. 
 And certain barkers of naturally gloomy minds, who loved to 
 wander at midnight amongst the skulls and bones of dead dogs, 
 and to meditate until their imaginations had grown lurid, volun- 
 tarily set themselves apart to invent more horrible attributes 
 and diabolical features to be affixed to the Almighty. 
 
 But some of the barkers objected that this would involve 
 much labor — which, as salaried barkers, they were on principle 
 opposed to, ease and good feed being the main object of their 
 lives — and they proposed to protect the Almighty by a more 
 easy (to them) and more reliable method. They said that the 
 horrible inventions would certainly be very good for the dogs 
 which were still prostrate, and there were, no doubt, some good, 
 conscientious barkers to whose gloomy minds the horrible in- 
 ventions would be a labor of love ; but they w^ere sure the horri- 
 ble inventions would be too late for the dogs which had already 
 looked up and got to laughing. Why not turn the protection 
 of the Almighty over to the police dogs? Themselves would 
 make Blue Thunderbolts, and set the police dogs to launch 
 them at every dog discovered holding his head up and laughing. 
 Thus the Almighty would be protected, and the heavy labor of 
 doing it would devolve on other dogs. 
 
 This proposition was received with great favor, and was 
 deemed a worthy supplement to the Horrible Inventions. 
 
 And it was so, that the most gloomy-minded barkers with the 
 lurid imaginations were set apart to invent the horrible attributes 
 to attach to the already too horrible Fiction with which they 
 terrified the prostrate dogs. These lurid-minded barkers set to 
 with gusto and zest, and very soon had revised and re-created 
 him into the most bloodily cruel, pitiless and unnatural monster 
 of ferocity and hate towards those who did not want to bow 
 down to him, that the theology-debauched canine mind had 
 ever conceived. This they called, generically, the Character of 
 God. They also formulated all the particulars of the mani- 
 festation of his imaginary cruel hate, which consisted of the most 
 
114 
 
 THE iDOGS AND THK FLEAS. 
 
 blood-frccziug terrors, damuatious aud eternal pains, whicH 
 they called by the generic name of Hell. 
 
 All these Horrible Inventions the other salaried barkers said 
 were most glorious, blessed and eternal truths, which had the 
 sanction of all true believers, and they were to be poured dili- 
 gently into the ears of all prostrate dogs. 
 
 And they did pour these blessed truths into their ears, with 
 great success ; for many of the dogs at the recital thereof went 
 into fits ; many went insane, and most of the rest terrifiedly 
 burrowed deeply in the earth in their desire to prostrate them- 
 selves still lower. 
 
 But, as had been prophesied, the up-looking dogs only laughed 
 the more at the great Almighty Fiction, and the poor fools who 
 bowed down to it ; and they even barked out blasphemous words 
 of contempt of the new woes and the lurid-minded inventors 
 thereof. 
 
 Whereupon the lurid-minded barkers, at the request of the 
 fleas, did call in more effectual help for the protection of the 
 Almighty ; for they called in the police dogs, and gave them the 
 Blue Thunderbolts which the other barkers had invented, and 
 
 ordered them to 
 launch them at 
 the contumelious 
 dogs. Which the 
 police dogs did. 
 And many of 
 those contumel- 
 ious dogs got it 
 heavily in the 
 neck, and fell 
 over dead or sore 
 wounded; which 
 caused the rest of them to laugh on the other side of their mouths; 
 for they found that although the Almighty Vengeance might be 
 a fiction, the Blue Thunderbolts were terrible facts. 
 
^llE BOGS AND THE J'l^EiAS. il5 
 
 And the Blue Thunderbolt launchers got to like the sport of 
 keeling over contumelious dogs ; for it gratified their brutal 
 instincts which would otherwise have been wasted in torturing 
 and killing other creatures, and at the same time gave them a 
 great reputation for piety, and zeal for God ; all which was very 
 gratifying ; for they found it exceedingly cheap and easy to be 
 pious along the line of their strongest brutal impulses. And 
 the salaried barkers liked it too ; for it released them from the 
 hard labor of persuading the dogs to bow down to the profitable 
 Almighty Fiction. 
 
 But the lust of keeling over contumelious dogs grew so 
 strong that it outran the supply of dogs to be keeled over; and 
 it often happened that the dogs, being all prostrate and in fear, 
 the police dogs, armed with Blue Thunderbolts, found no one 
 to launch them against ; which they looked upon as a most 
 grievous grievance ; and they thereupon reproached the barkers 
 with giving them too little to do. So the gloomy barkers, think- 
 ing that a little extra terror might be a little extra protection to 
 the Almighty, besides keeping the police dogs in a cheerful 
 frame of mind, went about amongst the prostrate dogs, and 
 arbitrarily picked out many whom they charged with thinking 
 blasphemy and ridicule of the Almighty Fiction, and by force 
 stood them up for the launchers of Blue Thunderbolts to knock 
 over. 
 
 But as time went on there came from over the pond many new 
 dogs to Canisville who did not know anything about the Almighty 
 Fiction or Blue Thunderbolts, and they circulated amongst the 
 prostrate dogs and hustled and jostled them and laughed at 
 them, so that the former bold dogs, feeling encouraged, got up 
 and laughed too ; and many of the others got ashamed of their 
 prostration, and took a little heart, and ventured to look up, and 
 little by little, leg by leg, they got up and walked, and laughed 
 surprisedly at seeing nothing to fear but Blue Thunderbolts; and 
 the lazy barkers found it too much trouble to get them to lie 
 down again ; aud the police dogs, being brutal and cowardly, 
 
116 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 slunk away ashamed and dropped their Blue Thunderbolts in 
 dark holes and swamps where they rotted and rusted. 
 
 And that was how the great Almighty Fiction lost his almighty 
 grip on the dogs and went under a cloud. 
 
CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 The Sacred Order of Ancient Timers and Hoi.y Retro- 
 
 GRESSIONISTS, AND ThEIR LUGUBRIOUS RIT- 
 UAL. 
 
 barkers were all true and immovable believers in 
 the musty and mouldy old doctrine that whatso- 
 ever was in the beginning ought to be now and for- 
 ever, world without end, amen. So they still held 
 themselves together as the Society for the Protec- 
 tion of the Almighty, as they had found by past sad 
 experience that he could not be trusted to take care of himself. 
 And, oh ! It was a solemn and sad society, that did nothing 
 but weep and mourn for the "Good Old Days" of the past, 
 when dogs were all kept with their noses heavenward (down- 
 ward) by the wholesome administration of Blue Thunderbolts. 
 And they formed themselves into a solemn Order, which they 
 called the "Sacred Order of Ancient Timers and Holy Retro- 
 gressionists. " And they had a sacred ritual of mourning and a 
 service of weeping, and ordinary, extraordinary and special 
 days of moaning, lamentation and bewailment, and prayer for 
 the resurrection of the dead past. 
 
 They met weekly in a damp and dead smelling catacomb, at 
 the solemn hour of midnight, and by the darkling light of 
 smoky torches, stuck in the eyeholes of skulls. In the center 
 of the meeting place was a huge crape-covered, black lachryma- 
 tory or weeping pot, around which they gathered to moan, and 
 into which they shed their tears. 
 
 To the north of the lachrymatory was stationed the Grand 
 Lugubrious Lachrymator, supported by the Worthy Right 
 
 117 
 
118 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 Hand and the Worthy Left Hand Weepers ; to the south was 
 the Vice Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator, supported by the 
 Worthy Eyerag Wringer, and his assistant, the Assistant 
 Worthy Eyerag Wringer. To the east was the Past and By- 
 gone Lugubrious Lachrymator, and opposite him was the 
 Worthy Grand Exalted Moaner, who read the prayers. 
 
 And at the tap of a funeral bell, the Grand Lugubrious Lach- 
 rymator read from the Solemu Ritual these words : 
 
 "Oh mourning brethren of the Eternal Tear Drop : It hath 
 been appointed uuto us to bewail the good old days of Prostrate 
 Piety and Blue Thunderbolts ; when the glory of Jiimple Faith 
 was as the sun in mid-heaven ; when Reason — wicked Faith- 
 upsetting Reason — was in chains ; when our ever glorious 
 Almighty Vengeance and beloved Hell reigned supreme, and 
 blaspheming questioners were stricken dead ; when dogs every- 
 where piously and in the fear of God, gave up their blood to 
 their lawful and divinely appoiuted suckers, the fleas. 
 
 "These times are temporarily past ; but our holy traditions, 
 and the promises made by our Almighty Vengeance — who for 
 some great, unfathomably wise and mysterious purpose, has 
 suffered himself to be cast into the shade for a time — tell us 
 that the ancient glory shall be re-established, the temporarily 
 overthrown throne of our darksome God shall be again set up, 
 and to him again shall the nose of every dog be held down in 
 the dirt ; the blasphemers and up-looking dogs shall perish out 
 of the land, the Blue Thunderbolts shall be refurbished and 
 shine with a latter-day glory, that shall be to the former glory 
 as the midday sun is to the midnight star. How saith the Vice 
 Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator?" 
 
 And the Vice Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator from his book 
 of the Ritual read : 
 
 "Yea, Verily; and let all Ancient Timers and Holy Retro- 
 gressionists of the pure and genuine musty and mouldy odor, 
 say Amen." 
 
The dogs and the; fi,eas. 119 
 
 At which all the assenibly lifted up their noses and groaned 
 "Amen." 
 
 Then said the Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator : "The 
 Worthy Grand Exalted Moaner will now put up the Solemn 
 Wail. Let all bow the head." 
 
 And all the Order bowed their heads while the Worthy 
 Grand Exalted Moaner, from his book of the Ritual, recited : 
 
 "Oh, Almighty Vengeance, Fiction Eternal : Why art thou 
 hidden from us ? Why have we lost thee ? Why hast thou suf- 
 fered the clouds of unbelief to encompass thee ? Why hast 
 thou suffered the extinguisher of raillery to snuff thee out, so 
 to speak ? Oh, grief be unto us that adversity hath overtaken 
 thee, and the blasphemer and the pesky sinful dog are on top ! 
 Oh, we did prosper by thee. Thou wast our daily bread. We 
 had invested in thee. When thou wast the AU-Powerful Terror, 
 then were we in power ; then were we held in awe and rever- 
 ence, and many basketfuls of meat and a lazy life were ours. 
 But, oh, Ichabod, the glory is departed and our house is left 
 unto us desolate. Mirth and gladness are fled away from us ; 
 our meat is diminished, and our comfortable lazy life is turned 
 into a daily hustle, and none but fools and simpletons esteem 
 us reverend. 
 
 " Oh glorious Past ! Oh departed Power, Greatness and 
 Glory, come again from the dead to us. Oh, time of blessed 
 dog ignorance, come, oh, come back again. Oh, shadow on the 
 dial of time, turn back ; oh, wheel of progress, revolve the 
 hindward way. Oh, Almighty Fiction, if thou canst, re-estab- 
 lish thyself; set up thy discarded Hell again, and cause it to be 
 respected. Blight and blast Thought, Reason, Progress and 
 all other modern and wicked things, and cause thyself and us 
 once more to prosper. Meanwhile we wait and weep *nd wail, 
 and wail and weep and wait for thee. Amen." 
 
 The Solemn Wail having been recited, all the Order, as the 
 last act of the service, gathered around the lachrymatory, and 
 shed therein all the tears of their sorrow, and when it was fu).l 
 
130 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FI^EAS. 
 
 to overflowing, they poured it out ou the altar as a libation to 
 their horrible God. 
 
 After which sad rite the service was adjourned, and the 
 celebrants, in silence, filed home one by one. 
 
CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 Rise and Progress of Bob the God Stealer. — Omnip- 
 otence IN Danger. — How the Valiant Blatherskite 
 CAME to the Help oe the Helpless Almighty. 
 
 IN the latter days 
 ^ of the sad exist- 
 ■^ ence of the So- 
 ciety for the Pro- 
 tection of the Al- 
 mighty, there arose 
 tnoststrangeh' from 
 nowhere, a huge, 
 heavy-footed dog, 
 that ran about scat- 
 tering dismay and 
 confusion amongst the sal- 
 aried barkers, by encour- 
 aging the dogs to speak dis- 
 respectfully of the various 
 societies in general, and of 
 the Society for the Protec- 
 tion of the Almighty in par- 
 ticular. 
 A very independent and fearless dog was he. He was 
 endowed with a voice of thunder and an eye of lightning, and 
 he had a set of great sharp teeth that seemed to have been made 
 
122 THE DOGS AND THE FI.EAS. 
 
 especially and particularly to tear and worry the salaried bar- 
 kers, and the pious dog thumpers and clubbers. 
 
 Wherever they gathered together, there he appeared in the 
 midst of them to spoil their counsels, to frustrate their plans, 
 and drive them crazy. Never did they meet save to devise some 
 new waj' to harass the forlorn and hungry dogs, in the name 
 of God and to the enrichment of the fleas, and never did they 
 meet but they had to meet the lightning of his eye, the thunder 
 of his voice, and the cutting snap of his gleaming teeth ; which, 
 after braving and enduring a few times, they learned to respect 
 by tucking their tails snugly away between their legs and scat- 
 tering with howls of pain and rage, to the accompaniment of 
 the laughter of the poor dogs which gratefully recognized in 
 him a friend. 
 
 All the pious dog thumpers, the virtue compellers, the moral- 
 ity cobblers hated him because he boldly told them that the 
 Tree of Virtue could only grow up out of the ground of Good 
 Victuals and healthy bodies, which they said was a wicked and 
 damnable heresy and subversive of the good old Gospel of the 
 Club ; and all the salaried barkers hated him because he laughed 
 at their Almighty Fii_tion, and called it the ugly creation of their 
 own diseased brains. 
 
 So, not being able to face him in a stand-up fight, they went 
 about seeking his destruction in sly and roundabout ways. 
 
 First, they tried their most powerful weapon — a nickname. 
 His name was Robertus Robustus, for he was of great strength. 
 Therefore they went about amongst the poor dogs calling him 
 "Bob," for it was a sacred religious principle with all salaried 
 barkers to call everyone that was obnoxious to them, by a con- 
 temptuous nickname. They had discovered through long 
 experience that heresies amongst dogs were more easily pre- 
 vented than cured ; that it was more efficacious to bring any one 
 into contempt with them, than to let them see him, hear him 
 and judge of him for themselves. 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 133 
 
 So they called him "Bob," aud sneered over his name when- 
 ever they spoke of him; and they tried to get the dogs to have a 
 horror of him by describing him as a beast with horns, hoofs 
 and a long spiked tail ; aud bore other false witness against him ; 
 "for," said they, "the case is urgent ; the very existence of our 
 God is imperilled, and a little false witness to save him He will 
 surely pardon, for all is fair in love and theological war." 
 
 But what caused these salaried barkers to hate him so 
 intensely was the fact that "Bob" was a very good and noble 
 dog, and showed more real kindness of heart and love for the 
 dowu-trodden and afflicted dogs than they. They reasoned 
 amongst themselves, and boldly told the dogs that all God-de- 
 spisers, all belittlers of the Almighty Fiction, always had been 
 bad, must necessarily be bad, and therefore "Bob" the God 
 despiser and ridiculer, must necessarily be bad too ; that all con- 
 tempt of the ever blessed Almighty Vengeance, and his ever 
 glorious Hell and the benign eternal tortures, did and must 
 proceed from a corrupt and wicked heart ; that none but believ- 
 ers in the Unutterable Horror, were or could be good ; therefore, 
 "Bob's" heart must be rotten and his life wicked. And when a 
 dog objected that \h&/act that "Bob's" life being good did not 
 agree with and justify their theory, they said that was all the 
 worse for the fact. 
 
 So they proclaimed abroad that "Bob's" goodness was an 
 irregular, unsanctified and wicked goodness, more wicked than 
 immoralit)' ; a cloak "put on" to hide the devilishness of his 
 purpose, which was to steal their God and leave the dogs God- 
 less ; which the salaried barkers all and unanimously declared 
 was a great step to the next greatest misfortune — to leave the 
 dogs flealess. 
 
 But "Bob" Robertus Robustus cared not. He went on show- 
 ing himself and laughing at the Almighty Monstrosity, and 
 pleading with the remaining prostrate dogs to lift up their 
 heads, and generally making the many societies look silly. 
 
 So the salaried barkers, perceiving that this big dog had 
 grown very dangerous, and that dogs everywhere were growing 
 
134 THE DOGS AND THE ELEAS. 
 
 ineverent, and that instead of receiving with meekness and 
 with the wide open mouth of Simple Faith, the large chunks of 
 ancient and mouldy dogmas of Orthodox Religion, with which 
 the barkers daily fed tliem, were falling into the wicked habit 
 of shutting the mouth of Simple Faith, and opening the eye of 
 Reason, and smelling, with an inquiring smeller, of the ancient 
 and mouldy dogmas, and poking the nose of irreverence into 
 the "why" and "wherefore" of all the sacred humbugs, 
 resolved to call a conference to devise ways and means to stay 
 the ravages this dangerous dog was working. 
 
 All the little and lesser salaried barkers came to the confer- 
 ence with fear and trembling, for their little souls were weighed 
 down with the conviction that if something were not done soon 
 to this irreverent dog, it was all up with them ; but when they 
 saw that the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite was there, 
 they took heart of hope, for they all knew him to be a most val- 
 iant defender of Simple Faith and enemy of Reason. 
 
 One of them therefore arose and said : "Brethren and fellow 
 barkers ; we to whom has been committed the care of the ever 
 holy dogmas, upon which, up to the present, we have been 
 enabled to preserve the blessed hoary mould and the ancient 
 musty smell, are gathered here to-day by a common sense of a 
 common peril. Ye know that there hath arisen amongst the 
 dogs a fierce and wicked dog of large dimensions and great 
 strength, who is teaching them to laugh at sacred things and 
 bring us into contempt. Now, it follows that if we are brought 
 into contempt, not only will our living be gone (which is the 
 thing of greatest moment), but the divinely ordained relations 
 between the dogs and our patrons and masters, the fleas, will be 
 disrupted, and go to the dogs ; and we, the divinely appointed 
 guardians of those sacred relations, shall draw upon our heads 
 the wrath of the Monstrous Fleas, who will regard us as un- 
 faithful stewards of their interests. 
 
 "In this perilous hour, then, we need some one who will point 
 a way out of our trouble. I am happy to say I seie with us our 
 
THR DOGS AND THE FlEaS. 125 
 
 Valiant friend, the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite." 
 (^Immense and prolonged barking by the whole assembly.) "I 
 need not say he is our champion. Ye all intuitively perceive 
 that there is none so fit as he to grapple with this newly arisen 
 terror of a dog. 
 
 "I propose, therefore, that he be appointed our standard bearer, 
 our sword wielder, our lightning discharger, our thunderer 
 against our enemy. " (Immense and prolonged acclaim.) "Is he 
 not most fit, I say, to be our champion ? Is he not most valor- 
 ous of mouth ? Pours there not therefrom the most undammed 
 torrent of eloquence that ever tumbled from the lips of mortal 
 barker? Is he not the tried and proven champion Reason 
 destroyer ? Yea, verily, brethren. How many times has my 
 soul been exalted with pride, as I have seen him in battle with 
 Reason, belt him over the head, give it him in the neck, upper 
 and under cut him, roast him in the ribs, cross buttock him, 
 overthrow him, kick him, kill him." (Great barkiug.) "Yea, 
 verily, brethren, there never was, in all this world, a barker so 
 contrary to Reason, so deadly a foe to it as he. He is worthy 
 to be our leader. " (Loud and prolonged acclaim, and cries of, 
 " He is ; he is ; he is ; " and calls of "Blatherskite, Blatherskite, 
 
 Bl,ATHERSKITE.") 
 
 Whereupon the great Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blather- 
 skite arose and opened his mouth and spake : 
 
 "Brethren of the Most Holy Order of Divine Barkers: I feel 
 proud of the high honor ye have conferred upon me in calling 
 me to be your champion against this Goliath, who so impudently 
 Cometh forth to defy the armies of the living Almighty. Who 
 is this dog that imagineth, with his great spear of Reason, to 
 smite and slay our ancient Simple Faith? With my little sling 
 and stone will I smite him, and he shall be no more. My 
 brother, who proposed me to be your leader, was right in his 
 generous eulogy of me ; I do despise and hate Reason with all 
 my soul. I hate it as a deadly snake and trample it under foot 
 every time I get the chance — which is every time I speak. This 
 
126 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 wielder of the spear of Reason, this Bob, this God-stealer, is an 
 infidel and a blasphemer, and will go straight down to Hell, like 
 that friend of his, that dirty dog, that Tom who wrote the 'Age 
 of Reason,' and was tormented of our God for it. Oh, my 
 brethren, he suffered untold agonies in his conscience, and 
 served him right, too. At least we barkers have always said he 
 did, because he ought to have suffered if he didn't. Some there 
 are who say we lie when we say he suffered, but I don't believe 
 that our God would allow any oue to preach Reason without 
 making it all- fired hot for him ; at least I know if / had been 
 God, / would have made his soul shriek with pain; /would 
 have tormented him, for there is nothing more fatal to our re- 
 ligion and our interests than Reason. Then down with Reason, 
 I say, for it is the whole Devil, and every truly sanctified barker's 
 eternal enemy. 
 
 " As for this other Reasoner, this Bob, surely we can kill 
 him, just as we killed his predecessor, Tom. Never call him by 
 his respectable name of Robert ; uoue but barkers and true be- 
 lievers are entitled to be called by their respectable names. 
 That's how we overthrew Thomas — by contemptuously calling 
 
 him Tom. We got the world 
 to deride him ; that was far 
 more easy than to refute his 
 book. Call him 'Bob,' then ; 
 and brethren, in a cause so 
 momentous and holy as this, 
 ye may even be about him ; 
 for the world will always be- 
 lieve anything evil about a 
 dog with a bad name ; but if 
 by any miracle of grace he 
 should ever be converted, 
 then ye shall call him 
 Robert, and esteem him re- 
 ^j-^ spectable. 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FI,EAS. 
 
 127 
 
 "This Bob is 
 an awful public 
 danger; if he be 
 allowed to run 
 around loose he 
 will steal our 
 God, he will 
 overthrow the 
 Almighty ; he 
 will deprive the 
 dogs of the ines- 
 timable blessing 
 of having some- 
 thing to wor- 
 ship. Already 
 hath he some- 
 what loosened his eternal foundations, and shaken his immov- 
 able fixtures, and on several occasions, had it not been for us 
 rushing to his rescue, our Almighty must have been overthrown. 
 
 "Now, brethren, this constant strain upon our minds, this per- 
 petual anxiety to ward oflF this beast's constant attacks upon 
 our omnipotent God, is wearing us to skin and bone. Some- 
 thing ought to be done to restrain him. Have we not laws to 
 imprison such as he? Yea, verily, have we. Have we not 
 laws against blasphemy? Yea, we have. Then why is this dog 
 allowed to go about putting our God in peril ? Why is he 
 allowed to go about sappiug and mining under his feet with 
 intent to make him fall ? He has been caught many times bor- 
 ing holes in his anatomy and letting in the daylight ; he has 
 been convicted many times of exposing the mystery of his 
 flaming eyes and his smoking mouth and nostrils, yet nothing 
 has been done to him. Where are the police ? Where are the 
 good old Blue Thunderbolts. Alas ! they rust and rot in the 
 swampy places, where our cowardly police dogs dropped them 
 when Unbelief reared its ugly head in our midst. 
 
128 THE DOCS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 "Oh brethren, what we ueed is a great revival of the good old- 
 fashioued Blue Laws and the Blue Thunderbolts. We ueed the 
 re-erection of the good old safeguards wherewith our fathers 
 surrounded our Almighty God, and preserved him, which the 
 degenerate dogs of this day have allowed to fall into innocuous 
 desuetude. Oh ! we ueed the revival of the good old methods, 
 by which Reason and Unbelief were held down by the strong 
 hand of the L,aw, and the eternal, almighty and all-convincing 
 truths of our only genuine and original Gospel were given a show. 
 
 " No wonder that True Religion and Simple Faith prospered 
 and prevailed in those days ; for the authorities were all holy 
 and did their duty — the police were effective. And no wonder 
 that Reason and Unbelief stalk haughtily abroad today and 
 our omnipotent Almighty is despised, rejected and shoved to 
 the rear ; for our laws are obsolete, and our authorities careless 
 and indifferent about helping him. 
 
 "Let us then, pray for a great outpouring of holy zeal upon 
 the police , that they may be inspired to dig up the good old 
 Thunderbolts and polish them for use again. Is not this Bob dog 
 a public nuisance ? Is he not endeavoring to make all dogs god- 
 less, and by so doing endeavoring to overthrow the country, even 
 as his friend the Tom dog tried to do in his day, and perhaps 
 would have done had not God caused him to die an infidel's 
 death ? 
 
 "His suppression, then, ought to be the public concern, and I 
 call on our police, our rulers, and all fleas big and little that 
 have the love of God and Country in their hearts to put him 
 down, imprison him, and forever shut his mouth." 
 
 At the conclusion of this magnificent burst of oratory all the 
 assembled barkers burst into loud and prolonged approbation, 
 and some one moved, and another seconded, and another sup- 
 ported, and the assembly unanimously carried a Resolution ; that 
 
 "Whereas, Our good old Almightj' and fearful God and his 
 blessed eternal Hell are menaced by a certain blasphemous dog, 
 of the name of Bob, with utter destruction and overthrow, and 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 129 
 
 " Whereas, The said destruction and overthrow of the said 
 Almighty would lead straight and swift to utter godlessness 
 amongst dogs, aud to the setting up of Thought and Reason in 
 his place, and 
 
 " Whereas, In the setting up of said Thought and Reason, 
 all dogs everywhere would be led to shake off all allegiance 
 they owe to the divinely appointed fleas, and with them us and 
 all our vested worldly interests, 
 
 '^Resolved, That we call upon Pup McPoodle, his counsellors, 
 the police, and all who have the safety of the country and the 
 welfare of dogs at heart to arise at once in their might and rescue 
 our terribly beleagured aud imperilled God, by smiting this Bob 
 and all his following with a great smiting greatly, and if neces- 
 sary killing them all, and hand over their souls to us for damna- 
 tion, which we undertake to do with all solemnity, neatness and 
 despatch." 
 
 And this resolution was signed by all the Society for the Pro- 
 tection of the Almighty, and all the other many Anti-Evil Socie- 
 ties, and all the eminent and Monstrous Fleas, and was carried 
 by Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite and other choice-souled bark- 
 ers to the authorities. And the authorities said it was a very 
 fine resolution, and did great credit to the holy zeal and patriot- 
 ism of all concerned ; and nothing would give them greater 
 pleasure than to make the poor dogs more miserable if it were 
 possible; but just now there seemed to be no feasible way of 
 doing it, and they were afraid that their Almighty would have 
 to wag along as best he could, for the present. Anyhow, they 
 would see about it — they would see about it. 
 
CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 Dogs Coming to Their Senses.— A Very vSlow Process. — 
 M.\RVEi,i.ouSLY Leather-headed Economic Reasoning, 
 WHICH Shows That Working Dogs are Almost as Pig- 
 headed AS Laboring Humans, in Discerning Self Evi- 
 dent Facts. 
 
 )OW it was at this evil time, when the 
 meagre, weak and bloodless misery of 
 the dogs had reached its depth, and the 
 burden upon them of the unasked-for 
 means for their salvation was heaviest ; and the fleas had reached 
 the limit of their biggest and tightest expansibility, that a vague 
 terror took possession of the fleas. This was occasioned by th e 
 strange behavior of the dogs at various times. 
 
 Sometimes a dog, right in the midst of his very iusanest 
 scratching for food, would flop suddenly down in the gutter 
 and look up to heaven, and sigh and sciatch his head as though 
 he had a dark problem on his mind, the solution of which might 
 be found up there. After a spell of this sort of contemplation 
 the dog would as suddenly resume his insanity, apparently hav- 
 ing concluded that his looking up there was vain. 
 
 130 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 131 
 
 Then it was uoticed that several insane dogs, when they met, 
 would stop and all together look up to heaven, and sigh and then 
 look into each other's eyes, as though seeking therein for light 
 on some dark conundrum ; when, after a few moments of such 
 contemplation, they would all simultaneously let off a bark of 
 disappointment, resume their insanity and scatter. 
 
 On brilliant moonlight nights, some of the dogs that had 
 looked up to heaven in the daytime and seen nothing, would 
 stare up at the moon for a long time and wag their tails and 
 heads with apparent satisfaction, and bark vociferously ; but no 
 one gave heed to them, as they were said to be lunatics. 
 
 Others meandered down to the edge of the pond, and after 
 gazing in a distraught and far-away manner for a time, would 
 shake their heads, and, suddenly turning tail, would scamper 
 off and fall to their scratching more madly than ever. 
 
 Sometimes hundreds of them would gather in the open 
 places and look, some towards the East, some towards the 
 West, some towards the North, and some towards the South, 
 and some towards the zenith, and each set would bark. 
 
 And it was told the eminent fleas, and the large fleas, and the 
 Monstrous Fleas, how many of the dogs were behaving. And 
 the fleas were much concerned, and called all the wise fleas that 
 could be found, and diligently inquired of them what time this 
 erratic behavior had broken out, and what it might meau ? 
 
 And the wise fleas answered they didn't know unless it was 
 that some queer and unusual disease had broken out amongst 
 them, and they were having spells of sanity, and might dur- 
 ing those spells, be thinking and pondering and meditating, in 
 which case it behooved the fleas to watch them closely and 
 take steps to apply some remedy. 
 
 Some of the fleas said that was sound advice and ought to be 
 taken at once, as thinking was the very worst disease a dog 
 could have. Experience had shown that this disease was a 
 most insidious one, whose first symptoms were very insignifi- 
 cant and unimportant, but in time developed into a most con- 
 
132 THK DOGS AND THK KLEAS. 
 
 tagious, infectious and deadly plague, and they would advise 
 that a Board of Health be organized at once, and a number of 
 inspectors be appointed to make domiciliary visits amongst the 
 dogs to ascertain and report on their mental condition. Thus, a 
 possible epidemic of thinking might be checked in its incip- 
 iency, and a possibly great calamity avoided. 
 
 But most of the fleas said they didn't think there was any 
 cause for alarm— at least just now ; for if the dogs had really 
 caught the thinking infection, it was so slightly that it would 
 amount to nothing ; but if the case should really grow serious, 
 the}^ had great confidence that the police dogs were so good and 
 faithful (being well fed), that any very serious case would be 
 promptly quarantined ; and if extreme measures should be 
 called for, the dog so afflicted could be killed ; which was, in 
 the opinion of all eminent fleas, an infallible cure in the case of 
 that dog, and an infallible preventive of the disease in any other. 
 
 So the fleas went on making themselves comfortable and did 
 not form any Board of Health. 
 
 The dogs, however, got no better, and still went about staring 
 at vacancy. 
 
 One day a dog that had flopped down in the gutter to sigh 
 and scratch his head, and look up to heaven, seeing another 
 dog looking up into heaven said unto him : " Why gazest thou 
 so earnestly up into heaven ? " 
 
 And the other dog said : " And why gazest thou so earnestly 
 up into heaven ? " 
 
 And the first dog replied : " Because I am convinced that it 
 comes from above." 
 
 And the second dog, encouraged, said : " That also is my con- 
 viction. I am sure we work hard enough to make a living, yet 
 the harder we work the harder it is to make a living." 
 
 "It is a mystery," said the first dog. 
 
 "It is, indeed," replied the second dog, "a great and deep 
 myster}'^ It must be that Heaven is angry with us for our sins, 
 and that this our everlasting hunger and defeat of the object of 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 1:33 
 
 all our life-long scratching for food is Heaven's chastisement, 
 which, as the good missionaries and Tee de Little Wit Blather- 
 skite have so often told us, though for the present it seemeth 
 grievous, will at last work out for us a far more exceeding 
 plenty in the grubful Canaan up there." 
 
 Which far-away heavenly prospect made them both sigh tre- 
 mendously, and bring their gaze back again to earth, where 
 they saw, not many yards away, another dog looking up into 
 heaven. He gazed thitherward for a long time, and sadly sigh- 
 ing, was about to resume his normal insanity and rush off, 
 when he gave a terrible yelp, which was caused by an unusually 
 venomous nip, by an unusually large and powerful flea, right 
 in the region of the root of his tail. Turning to pay attention 
 to the trouble there, he saw a lot of fleas skipping aud scamp- 
 ering about, and having a most hilarious time, and some, he 
 imagined, were laughing at him. 
 
 Why he paid especial regard to such a common phenomenon, 
 he did not know and could not have told. Probably it was 
 because he was afflicted with a more than usually bad spell of 
 sanity and mental lucidity, and had what the other dogs called 
 a "Jag" on, during the continuance of which he had visions of 
 things as they really were. Whatever the reason, he stared at 
 them even more fixedly and concentratedly than ever he had 
 gazed up into heaven. His eyes grew big and bulged, and the 
 longer he stared the bigger they grew and the more they bulged. 
 Then slowly there came into them a strange and unaccustomed 
 light, as of a consciousness that was returning after a prolonged 
 absence from home. After a time he winked an eye and then 
 rubbed both very hard with his paws, and ejaculated : "Blamed 
 if I don't think I have been looking in the wrong direction. I 
 don't think it comes from above, after all. I do believe it's 
 fleas." And he wagged his head sapiently and looked at the 
 fleas again, and wagged his head once more, which having done 
 several times, as though to confirm himself in the surety that he 
 
134 THE DOGS AND THE ELEAS. 
 
 had really made a great discovery, lie trotted away ; and the 
 other two observing dogs followed him. 
 
 He trotted away to where some of the other dogs were gazing 
 steadfastly up into heaven, and poking some of them in the ribs 
 he cried, "Fleas, fleas;" then leaving them to growl and curse 
 his disturbance of their meditations, he trotted down to a group 
 that were gazing far away over the pond, and poking some of 
 their ribs, he cried, "Fleas, ye blind! Fleas;" and leaving 
 them to snarl and curse, he betook himself to the public places 
 where sundry groups were gazing and barking towards the East 
 and towards the West, and towards the North and towards the 
 South, and cried aloud, "Fleas, ye fools ! Fleas." But most of 
 the dogs, whofe gazing was thus rudely disturbed, took umbrage 
 thereat, and chased him, and demanded to know why he had 
 thus violently and ill-behavedly broken in upon their medita- 
 tions? 
 
 " Because," said he, "I want you to look in the right direction; 
 I have just found out what is amiss with us all — it \s Jlcas ; 
 Fleas, and no thing bit I /leas.'' 
 
 But the heavenward gazers said : " Not so ; our troubles come 
 from above ; it is Heaven that hath mysteriously, but, no doubt, 
 in infinite wisdoiu, afflicted us, as say the salaried barkers." 
 
 " Heaven ! " cried another crowd, " Nonsense ; they do not ; 
 any fool can see they come from the East. " 
 
 "Yes, and none but fools can see they come from the East or 
 from Heaven ; all wise dogs know they come from the Wast, 
 from the land of the almond-eyed, long-tailed Yellow Dog," 
 cried the Westward gazers, who themselves had come from the 
 East. 
 
 ' 'A fine lot of wise dogs ye are ! ' ' cried the Southward gazers, 
 "since it's as plain as daylight that our hunger and poverty are 
 entirely from the South, in the shape of those inferior kinky- 
 haired Black Dogs that are used to hunger and can bear it better 
 than we." 
 
THE DOGS AND THE 1-XEAS. 
 
 135 
 
 "Ha! Ha! Ha! He! He! He!" laughed the Northward 
 gazers. " Come off, do. That is the silliest explanation yet. 
 Anyone with the smallest and feeblest faculty of observation 
 can see that the North is the only and all sufficient source of all 
 our afflictions." 
 
 "Bah! Fools and idiots that ye are!" yelled the pondward 
 gazers. "Ye are all wrong ; any one can see that our troubles 
 are all due to the coming of those dirty dogs from over the pond, 
 from Hungryland, Dirtland and Choleralaud. " 
 
 "Yes," cried a little crowd that had arrived but a short time 
 from thence, " It's a shame to allow so many in, filling up the 
 country and snatching our bones. There ought to be a law 
 passed." 
 
 "And if it had not been for your coming," screamingly re- 
 plied a crowd that had arrived a long time before, "we would 
 not be starving now. The gates ought to have been shut long 
 ago." 
 
 "Aye, Aye," sneered a lot of the native born dogs, " the day 
 after yon got safe in, of course. For our part, we think it a 
 wicked outrage on us that foreigners were allowed here at all, 
 taking the bread out of the mouths of the rightful owners of 
 the country. There ought to have been a law passed at first to 
 keep out foreigners," 
 
l:J6 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 "And where would your fathers have been then?" sneered 
 back the foreigners. 
 
 And the contention waxed hot ; each angrily vociferating that 
 all the others were fools, idiots and liars, and they put out their 
 tongues at one another, and snarled and growled ; and at last 
 they got into an awful fight; from which many of them emerged 
 with torn ears and noses, broken legs, loosened teeth and am- 
 putated tails. 
 
 But as for the unfortunate dog that said " Fleas," he was badly 
 battered, for in the general fight every one of the combatants 
 struck at him. But he got away at last and hid himself. 
 
 Nevertheless there were some of the far-away gazers that 
 after the fight could not help thinking over the suggestive words 
 he had let fall ; and they thought ih.aX. possibly their afflictions 
 did come wholly and solely from their fleas. 
 
 The consequence was that these dogs took to regarding the 
 fleas continually and very intently ; and other dogs, wondering 
 what they were looking at so much, began also to look at the 
 fleas. 
 
CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 The Thinking Contagion Makes Alarming Progress.— 
 
 Conference of Frightened Fleas. — Sage Counsel. — 
 
 Efficacious Measures Devised.— How They Worked.— 
 
 The Sacred Trusts. — The Holy Angel's 
 
 Book of Death. — The Plague Stayed. 
 
 ND it was told the fleas that a dog had arisen, 
 that had said : " Fleas, ye fools, fleas," and had 
 drawn several other dogs after him, whom he 
 had taught to say likewise. 
 r-^j-^l ^ And the eminent fleas, and the big fleas, and 
 ' *iV* the Monstrous Fleas, gathered themselves to- 
 gether, and sent a quick flea unto certain wise 
 fleas saying, "Haste ye, and come quickly to our aid, for the 
 dread pestilence hath broken out ; tarry not in all the way, for 
 the matter is urgent." 
 
 And the wise fleas came on the hop and the skip and the 
 jump, and said : "We told you so ; we did advise you not to 
 despise the day of small symptoms ; but ye heeded not our ad- 
 vice. Therein ye did err ; for it is well known that we know a 
 thing or two. We did advise you that that intent gazing of 
 the dogs did betoken the outbreak of an epidemic of thinking 
 amongst them, Which, had it been grappled with then, would 
 have been easy to stamp out ; but now we fear the disease has 
 made dangerous progress. This thinking of theirs has reached 
 the stage of audible expression, which is the stage of most rapid 
 contagion and infection." 
 
 "True, true," said a Monstrous Flea — Andronicus Carniv- 
 orous — pale with affright; "We are credibly informed that 
 some of these dogs have even lifted up their voices in the public 
 
 137 
 
138 THK DOGS AND THR FLEAS. 
 
 places, aud boldly told the other dogs that if they had no fleas 
 they need never be hungry ; to which some of the listening 
 dogs, it is reported, replied, 'Down with the fleas. ' And we 
 have been informed — but for the truth of it we cannot vouch — 
 that quite a number of those suffering from this truly terrible 
 thinking disease, have formed what they call the ' Flealess 
 Dog Club,' which slyly meets at midnight, and dances with 
 delirious joy over the prophesied coming of a most dreadful 
 time when all dogs will be free from all fleas of every sort 
 and size." 
 
 Aud all the assembled fleas cried out in chorus, " Alas, what 
 shall we do ? " 
 
 But the wise fleas said, " Courage, brethren ; all is not lost ; 
 there is a margin of safety left, which, if utilized properly, will, 
 with God's blessing, restore these poor dogs to their usual state 
 of insanity, and avert the danger of our extinction. Ye ought, 
 of course, to have grappled with this malady in its incipiency ; 
 nevertheless, with an extra eff"ort, lost time may be made up, 
 and the disease stamped out. A Board of Public Safety must 
 be formed at once." 
 
 " Had we not better pass a law," said a Monstrous Flea — 
 Pharaoh Phrique — "making it a capital offence for a dog to 
 think, and have all the guilty ones executed with great tortures ? 
 There's nothing like striking terror into the hearts of the dogs, 
 if you want to keep them good and healthy." 
 
 " AN-e ! Aye! chorused all the others fiercely, "that's the 
 talk.'' 
 
 "Pardon me. Brother Phrique," replied a wise flea, " for dis- 
 senting from so eminent a dog killer as thyself; but all wise 
 fleas have found that the only true and efiicacious way is, not 
 to kill the thinkers, but to discourage the breed ; to let the 
 thinkers die ofl" naturally, and replace them with a breed of non- 
 thinkers. To this end their brains must be watched, and where- 
 ever possible no thought must ever be allowed to enter ; aud in 
 those cases where we cannot prevent its entrance, we must give 
 
THK DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 139 
 
 them amusements, distractions and other substitutes for think- 
 ing. We must use artifice, not force ; we must lure, not compel ; 
 for force and compulsion would defeat our aim by causing tbeni, 
 through the grievance they would thereby have against us, to 
 begin thinking most grievously ; whereas, by fooling them 
 into going, of their own accord, in the way we want them to go, 
 we would accomplish our object, and at the same time leave 
 them to feel that they are free and independent dogs — which is 
 to be done every time." 
 
 "Therefore we do advise that the Board of Public Safety de- 
 vise all manner of anti-thinking devices, and put them in oper- 
 ation at once, for there is no time to lose. History shows that 
 wherever the empire of fleas over dogs has been overthrown, it 
 has always been due to the neglect of the fleas, of those times, 
 to keep up to due eflSciency the auti-thiukiug devices of those 
 times. Remember, we beseech you, that eternal vigilance in 
 keeping the dogs from thinking, is the price of your rule over 
 them. 
 
 " Now, the most efficacious anti-thinking remedy, is hard 
 work, and eternal plenty of it. Give the dogs plenty lo do. 
 Make the pace fast aud furious, and cause them to hustle to 
 stay their hunger, aud take all means to make their hunger 
 get ahead of their hustling ; cause them lo have to scratch from 
 early morn to midnight, so that the moment they've done 
 work for the night, they will fall asleep from fatigue, and 
 never wake until it is high lime to be at their scratching again. 
 Make leisure impossible, and idleness synonymous with starva- 
 tion, and we give j'ou our word of guarantee, that the dogs will 
 soon be on the way to recovery. 
 
 " But, as interminable work alone, although a most excellent 
 — aud the main — remedy for thinking, would ia the end sour 
 their minds and enfeeble their bodies, and so reduce their yield 
 of blood — thus defeating the main purpose for which a wise 
 Creator created them, ar.d predisposing them lo crime and 
 wickedness — a certain amount of recreation tnusi be allowed 
 
140 THE noes AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 them. In this need of recreation lies their ouly danger. They 
 must not be allowed much recreation ; for much would give 
 them time to think — which must be especially guarded against. 
 They must have so little recreation that their exhaustion shall 
 incline them only to amusements. 
 
 " But, in the reaction from the exhaustion of toil, they will be 
 apt to seek mad, unhealthy, delirious and boily-weakening 
 amusements. Therefore, it behooveth j-ou to provide that their 
 amusements be both recuperative and auti-thiuking. Lo ! We 
 have spoken." 
 
 And this advice of the wise fleas seemed good and sage unto 
 the other fleas ; and the Monstrous Fleas (all but Pharaoh 
 Phrique, who became sulky and declared that the wise fleas 
 were a lot of old fogy fools not to see that to hang, shoot, 
 choke and kill the pesky dogs was the shortest, quickest and 
 altogether the most efficacious way of putting them down), 
 said, that come to think of it, the\- believed that eternal work 
 was the finest antidote to the thinking poison, that had been 
 devised, for they had noticed that though their dogs that 
 turned the great Handle had at various times displayed alarm- 
 ing symptoms of the thought disease, they were happy to say 
 they, by the application of the perpetual-work remedy, were 
 now almost cured ; and they believed that with care in keeping 
 them eternally at it, the)- would suffer no relapse. 
 
 So the fleas formed the Board of Public Safety. And the first 
 thing they did was to send a committee unto McPoodle, com- 
 manding him to provide them gangs of police and other dogs, 
 to go by night through all the highways and byways of Canis- 
 ville, and rake up all the bones and scraps and broken victuals 
 they could fiiid, in order that the dogs in the morning might 
 have to scratch long and furiously to find a mouthful. 
 
 And McPoodle did as lie was commanded, and sent his well- 
 fed police and other dogs out to make the working dogs hungry. 
 And they raked and scraped the highways and the byways, and 
 gathered up all the food there was to be seen, and sorted the 
 
fat DOGS AND "rnn i^leas. 141 
 
 Various scraps into heaps, and carried every heap iuto a Corner 
 by itself. 
 
 And the fleas commanded McPoodle, and he appointed a few 
 of the most eminent fleas to be Trustees and custodians over 
 each heap. 
 
 And on the day of appointment those Trustees and custo- 
 dians did reverently lift up their eyes to heaven, and say they 
 accepted the custody thereof, as a sacred Trust from God and 
 McPoodle, and did solemnly vow that they would administer 
 that Trust in the fear of God, and altogether in the interest of 
 the dogs, to whom they had a deep and heartfelt desire to make 
 victuals cheap. This, said they, not because they loved the 
 dogs, but because they had the Corners and could aff"ord to lie. 
 
 Then came to pass all that had been predicted by the wise 
 fleas. The dogs hungrily ran about the bare streets, seeking 
 food, but found nothing but a few chance scraps, that had 
 escaped the vigilant diligence of McPoodle's sweepers. So 
 ravenous was their hunger, and so scarce the means of satisfy- 
 ing it, that the dogs' noses were ever in the dirt, and grew sore 
 and bloody with their eternal nosing after the Something that 
 so seldom they found. As for their eyes, they grew, by reason 
 of being ever strained towards the dirt, to be permanently near- 
 sighted and microscopic, so that larger things, such as hills 
 and trees and sky became indistinct and almost invisible to 
 them. And as for their brains, they shrank and shrivelled 
 until they could only receive one thought, and that was — 
 Victuals. 
 
 So that the fleas rejoiced, and were glad, and the wise fleas 
 were held in great honor for having devised so great a salvation 
 from the threatened perils of the thinking plague. 
 
 And the wise fleas warned the eminent and the wealthy fleas, 
 to be sure to retain the advantage they had gained, and keep 
 the dogs well starved, for nothing kept a dog's brain so thor- 
 oughly fortified against the invasion of uplifting and seditious 
 thoughts, as perpetual hunger and tearing around to appease it. 
 
142 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 Aud the eminent and the wealthy fleas said they would s£? 
 to it with pleasure. 
 
 But, by and by, after many dogs had dropped dead in their 
 vain strugi^dng search for victuals iu the cleautd-out higiiways 
 and byways, the hungry dogs were compelled to repair lo tae 
 Corners, and beg of the fleas that held the heaps as a Sacred 
 Trust from God, to give them a mouthful for God's sake to 
 keep them from dying. 
 
 But the lordly fleas that had the Sacred Trust, spake haughtily 
 unto them, and said that as Heaven had most wisely seen fit, by 
 means of the Sacred Trust, to give the fleas the Bulge on the 
 dogs, they were determined to be faithful to Heaven, and use 
 the said Bulge to the glory of Heaven, and the safety of Society 
 which had but verj' recently been in peril of destruction, and, 
 therefore, none but good and moral, lowly and obedient dogs, 
 that had never held seditious thoughts, had never tried, or 
 thought of trying, to shake off" their fleas, had never doubled or 
 been tempted to doubt, the divine and indisputable right of fleas 
 to suck the blood of dogs, would receive any scraps from the 
 heaps which had been committed to them — the Sacred Trustees. 
 
 And all the hungry dog-i hastened to assure the Sacred Trus- 
 tees that they were and always had been good and moral, 
 obedient and uuseditious dogs that had never doubted the divine 
 rights of fleas. 
 
 But the Sacred Trustees said that was not so, for they had a 
 Holy Angel who kept a Book of Death, in which was written 
 with everlasting ink, the names of those undesirable dogs whom 
 certain sneak dogs, called Detectives, had reported to them to 
 have been guilty of thinking and speaking evil of fleas ; and 
 these had been Blacklisted, to be sent away into everlasting 
 hunger. 
 
 Upon which they commanded the Angel to read out the 
 names of the Accused ; who were ignominiously driven shriek- 
 ing away, by the police dogs who, being fat and well fed, did 
 drive them away with pleasure, and club them with alacrity. 
 
^HE DOGg AND The fleas. 143 
 
 But the Blessed Ones, whose names were not written in the 
 Book of Death, did criugingly wag their tails, and lick the feet 
 of the police dogs, and reverentially pray their good lords, the 
 Sacred Trustees, to give them something to push the walls of 
 their stomachs apart with, for they were fallen together with 
 hunger. Thereupon, the Sacred Trustees were graciousl}- 
 pleased to order certain servant dogs to throw over the fence 
 just scraps enough not to be sufficient to go around, and to keep 
 the dogs avidiously scrambling and savagely fighting for them. 
 
 This policy, said the wise fleas, would keep the dogs' thoughts 
 in their stomachs, where alone dogs' thoughts ought to be ; for 
 when they mounted to their heads they rendered dogs bad citi- 
 zens and of no good to the fleas. 
 
 And it was so that the dogs '^c^w^ unable and unwilling to 
 think of anything but the horrible and ever enlarging vacuum 
 in their insides, and of what to fling into it. 
 
 So the plague was stayed. 
 
CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 Demonstratks That Al,l, is Not Success That Succeeds, 
 AND That an Overdose of Physic is as Bad as a 
 Disease. — All Work and No Play Makes the Dogs, 
 Not Only Dull, But Ferocious. — Devising Bamboozle- 
 MENTS. — Chancy Mountebank Dephool 
 Flea and His Bamboozling Committee. 
 
 , RULY the plague of thinking was stayed, but a peril 
 took its place which the over-jubilaut fleas had 
 overlooked. For the dogs, by reason of the intensi- 
 fying of their hunger by the Cornering of all the 
 means of life by the Sacred Trustees, began to de- 
 velop a hunger madness that took on the form of 
 blind and unthinking violence. 
 
 Now that the fleas had succeeded so well in keeping the dogs' 
 thoughts down in their stomachs, and out of their heads, the 
 dogs acted from stomach alone, and in a way most disappointing 
 and discouraging to the fleas. They had ceased to think, cer- 
 tainly, but what they lacked in thouglit they made up in feeling, 
 and went blindly at anything that might appease their awful 
 hunger. They tore and killed and ate one another, and, in their 
 indiscriminating rage, ate even some fleas ; and so meagre and 
 skinny did they become that their yield of blood very sensibly 
 diminished, insomuch that thousands of little fleas shrivelled up 
 and died, and divers of the eminent and large fleas grew slack 
 around the paunch. 
 
 In this extremity the fleas sent again for the wise fleas, and 
 said: "Alas! what shall we do ? for the remedy is worse than 
 the disease ; we have cured the dogs of thinking and seditious- 
 ness, but thereby our Dividends have shrunk, and many of our 
 
 144 
 
YHE DOGS AND THE FtEAS= 145 
 
 beloved friends have died. Better had we taken the risk of 
 sedition than have brought on this state of things. Your advice 
 was not good." 
 
 But the wise fleas replied : " Ye did overdo the matter. Told 
 we not you that ye must not quite kill the dogs that are your 
 life? Ye ought to have given them food and rest and recreation 
 enough to have kept up their blood-yielding efficiency. Ye 
 have been great fools. Ye can only carry the keeping-busy 
 remedy to a certain point ; beyond that it must be supplemented 
 by a wise bamboozlement. The two must be worked together 
 in proper proportion. Neither alone is all-sufficient ; ye can 
 neither treat them altogether with perpetual toil and .scramble, 
 nor with perpetual bamboozlement ; but the two combined and 
 worked in concert will bring ye full salvation. 
 
 "Now, therefore, for the future be wise, and appoint ye a 
 Bamboozling Committee, and let those who are by special fitness 
 appointed to keep the dogs hungry and on the eternal trot note 
 well the exact point at which they require a recuperating respite 
 — that is, a holiday — and then let the Bamboozlers come on and 
 take charge of them while they rest. Thus shall the dogs be 
 beautifully passed alternately from the Hunger Makers to the 
 Bamboozlers, and from the Bamboozlers to the Hunger Makers, 
 and they shall beautifully be preserved in health and utter 
 idiocy." 
 
 And the fleas said : "How and where shall we find the Bam- 
 boozlers ye recommend ? " 
 
 The wise fleas replied : " That is easy ; there are lots of them 
 about, of one sort or another. Let the Boards of Public Health 
 and Safety seek out fleas that have large understanding of and 
 are learned in the science and art of elegant fooling and beautiful 
 lying, that are exceedingly skillful of mouth, and can be de- 
 pended on at a moment's notice at any time to demonstrate with 
 all-convincing persuasiveness that black is white, that darkness 
 is light, and evil good, and can do- this most amusingly, and let 
 :hese be appointed a Bamboozling Committee to devise all 
 
146 fHS DOGS AXD THE FLEAS. 
 
 manner of amusements and bamboozlements for the dogs, tliat 
 shall occupy their holiday moments and make them happy. 
 Let your motto be : ' Eternal bamboozlemeut is the price of 
 Safet)'.' We have spoken." 
 
 And the advice of the wise fleas seemed good unto the other 
 fleas, and they commanded the Board of Public Safety to dili- 
 gently search out such as had great skill in bamboozlemeut. 
 And the Board of Public Safety did so ; and at the end of seven 
 days the eminent and wealthy fleas gathered themselves to- 
 gether to hear how the Board of Public Safety had done. 
 
 And the Board of Public Safety made report thus: "Most 
 eminent and wealthy fleas : According to your order and com- 
 mandment we have gone through all Cauisville and the country 
 roundabout, and have sought diligently for those fleas that have 
 the gift of elegant lying and bamboozling. For several days we 
 sought without success. Truly, we found liars in plenty ; in 
 fact, we found most fleas were good all 'round common liars ; 
 many of them proffered themselves for our service, and were ex- 
 ceedingly anxious to serve their country, but we told them that 
 although we had the highest respect for their ability as common 
 liars, and had the highest appreciation of their zealous desire to 
 perform their duty on all common occasions, we were just now 
 confronted with an uncommon peril which demanded uncom- 
 mon and extraordinary liars that could rise to the level of the 
 emergency and save the country. Some of them did even throw 
 contempt on our mission, saying there was no necessity for all 
 this nonsense of a Bamboozling Committee ; that for their part 
 they considered the good old-fashioned way of bleeding dogs to 
 death quite good enough for the good-for-nothing, lazy things ; 
 that they would not condescend to bamboozle them at all, but 
 would just have all the discontented and violent ones killed as a 
 warning and example to the rest. But we told them that they 
 knew not what manner of spirit they were of, and went our way; 
 and with the blessing of God we at last found a most elegant flea, 
 of very great modesty, that had in the very highest degree the 
 
*i*he; dogs and the fleas. 147 
 
 very gifts we were in search of. This flea, we found, was burying 
 his talents in a napkin, and hiding his hght under a bushel, and 
 wasting his skill of mouth at dinner parties, where he was fritter- 
 ing away his gifts, that ought to belong to the whole nation, on 
 a small circle of friends whom he made to be merry and laugh. 
 His name, we ascertained, is Chancy Mountebank Dephool 
 Flea, and we found that he has the very highest reputation 
 amongst those who know him as an amuser and speaker of bun- 
 combe, and we recommend that he be appointed head and 
 president of the Bamboozling Committee, with power to select 
 his own associates and co-workers." 
 
 And the Board of Public Safety did according to the recom- 
 mendation of the wise fleas, and appointed Chancy Mountebank 
 Dephool Flea to be the organizer and president of the Bam- 
 boozling Committee, which position he was delighted to accept, 
 he being, as he said, only too happy to do what he could towards 
 saving Society. 
 
 And Chancy Mountebank called unto him immediately An- 
 dronicus Carnivorous : "For," said he, " he is the most uncom- 
 mon liar, bamboozler and hypocrite we have ; " and Wilhelm 
 Bunkum Mak Tinley : " For," said he, " he is a very good dog 
 fooler, although somewhat clumsy withal ; " and Harry Bam- 
 buzle Grandadhat : " For," said he, "he can say many fine and 
 beautiful things that are not so." 
 
 And the Committee met at once and proceeded to devise bam- 
 boozlenients ; but they had not proceeded far when Wilhelm 
 Bunkum Mak Tinhy Flea arose and said : ' ' Respected President 
 and Fellow Bamboozlers : we have committed a great omission 
 and oversight ; we have left out of the composition of this Com- 
 mittee the most transcendently glorious hifalutor, fictionist and 
 bamboozler of all ages and of all countries. I mean our most 
 eminent Canisvillian, the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blather- 
 skite. Of course he is only a barking dog, and as such may be 
 technically disqualified from serving on a committee of fleas, 
 but having regard to his extraordinary and astonishing gifts of 
 
148 THE DOGS AND The fi,eas. 
 
 mouth, and his tremeudous abiUties to dress up the plainest lies 
 ia the habiliments of the most gorgeous and resplendent truths, 
 I think we ought by all means to have him made one of us, for 
 no Bamboozling Committee can be complete without him. I 
 submit that he is equal even to you, respected President." 
 
 And President Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea said : "It 
 is indeed a most astounding piece of forgetfulness and stupidity 
 on our part, not to have thought of our friend De Little Wit 
 Blatherskite. I thank our good brother Mak Tinley Flea for 
 reminding us." 
 
 So the Committee went in a body to ask De Little Wit Blather- 
 skite to be one of them, and they made profuse apologies for the 
 slight they had unwittingly put upon him. And the Blatherskite 
 was pleased to accept their apologies; and he went along with 
 them. 
 
CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 The Bamboozling Committee Lays Out a Plan of Bam- 
 boozle. — Loud Noise and Great Show Relied on. — 
 Every One to His Post. — Opening of the Bamboozle 
 Assigned to Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite.— His 
 Vision of Judgment. — Terrific Effect 
 ON THE Dogs. 
 
 'AVING secured the invaluable Blatherskite, the 
 Bamboozling Committee met very early in the 
 morning, and President Chancy Mountebank 
 Dephool Flea, in calling the Committee to 
 order, said : "Brother Bamboozlers, it is laid 
 upon us to save this our beloved land. As ye know, the Board of 
 Public Safety has appointed us to work together with the Hun- 
 ger Makers in keeping the dogs from thinking. To them, ye 
 know, is appointed the duty of bleeding them within an inch of 
 their lives, and keeping them so busy trying to catch up with 
 their hunger that they will never have a moment to think 
 a serious thought ; and to us is appointed the duty of 
 entertaining them during their moments of absolutely needful 
 recreation, and keeping them so well amused that they shall 
 have neither wish nor time to think. 
 
 " I need not tell you that the Hunger Makers are doing their 
 duty con amove ; so well that in their enthusiasm they are apt 
 to overdo it. It behooves, us therefore, to as well deserve our 
 laurels as they do theirs. Where shall we begin, therefore ?" 
 
 Then arose Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley Flea, and said : 
 "I move, respected President, that we recommend Pup McPoo- 
 dle and the authorities to proclaim certain days to be legal hol- 
 idays, and days of recreation for the dogs, and that on those 
 
 149 
 
150 THE DOGS AND THE FI.EAS. 
 
 days the dogs be gathered together, wheu we will each take a 
 turu iu amusiug aud edifying them. I will take oue turn, and I 
 flatter myself that during my turn, I can demonstrate to them 
 then the moon is made of green cheese ; then our much beloved 
 brother, Andronicus Carnivorous, shall take another ; my dear 
 chum, Harry Grandadhat shall take a third ; you, most excel- 
 lent humbug, shall take a fourth, and our ever ready old 
 stand-by and reverend barker, Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, 
 who is always bursting big and full with gorgeous gush, and 
 perennially on tap, shall fill up all other intervals." 
 
 Andronicus arose and said : I crave permission to second the 
 motion of my brother Bunkum Mak Tinley Flea. It is good. 
 I deprecate the ascription to me of any very great ability in the 
 line of bamboozling. I have the highest pleasure iu yielding the 
 palm to you, dear Mountebank Dephool, and to the superla- 
 tive Blatherskite, in having whom with us we are blessed and 
 honored above measure. For my part I am but a superficial, 
 transparent, and inferior sort of every-day liar, with no ability, 
 like }OU, my dear colleagues, to palm off on the dogs a lie as 
 the most sacred Gospel truth ; but I do modestly claim that I 
 possess a very creditable ability to play the hypocrite ; I be- 
 lieve everyone who knows me admits that\ but, be my talents 
 what they may, I am willing to consecrate them all to the good 
 of the dogs and the salvation of this, my adopted country." 
 
 This motion was carried, and presented to the Board of Pub- 
 lic Safety ; and the Board carried it to McPoodle aud the author- 
 ities, and they, with the acquiescence of the fleas — who had all 
 been assured that they would be indemnified for any loss of 
 blood they might suffer in case of failure of the experiment — 
 proclaimed that on a certain few days of the year, the fleas 
 should let up on the dogs and allow them to recover a little 
 strength ; and that on those days they should turn over the 
 management of the dogs to the Bamboozling Committee. 
 
 And the Bamboozling Committee got together certain dogs 
 that were lying around loose, and made them happy with meat 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 151 
 
 and drink, and dressed them up in gaudy colored raiment ; and 
 to some of them they gave certain loud-noise-producing instru- 
 ments, aud to others, long poles with pretty cloths fluttering at 
 the end thereof, and said unto them : "Go ye forth into all the 
 streets and ways of Canisville, and the country roundabout, 
 and blow ye and thump ye on the loud-noise-produciug instru- 
 ments, aud wave ye on high the pretty cloths, and make a great 
 jhouting aud hullabaloo with your throats ; and it shall be that 
 when the dogs of Canisville shall hear your hullabaloo, they 
 will run out of their holes and kennels, and, forgetting all their 
 troubles, they will howl with idiotic joy, and run after you 
 whithersoever ye go. Go roundabout and encompass the town 
 seven times, blowing and thumping and waving, and fetch up 
 at the Public Place, where great miracles are to be wrought." 
 
 So the blowing, thumping and cloth-waving dogs, quite intox- 
 icated with the strange, glorious feeling of a full stomach, did 
 as they were bid, and went and filled all the air with their 
 sounding ; aud at the very first blast and thump and shout, all 
 the dogs that heard came rushing out, barking, wagging 
 their bony tails and rolling over and over in the dirt, with a 
 frenzied joy, and followed in a great mob the blowers and 
 thumpers and • wavers, whithersoever they went. 
 
 Then when they had seven times gone roundabout the town, 
 they came to the Public Place, where were gathered on an emi- 
 nence the Bamboozling Committee, and around them, in their 
 best raiment, all the Monstrous Fleas, who had ordered the 
 Blood and Bones Grinding Mill to cease its bloody grind for a 
 day ; all the wealthy aud eminent fleas, all the pious and holy 
 fleas ; and all the salaried barkers were there ; the Holy One a 
 Maker of long prayers and short wages, was there ; and also 
 Lovely Anthony the Dog Catcher, the One-eyed Elder Berry, 
 and all the morality cobblers, dog thumpers and compulsion- 
 ists of every society ; and all were sleek and fat and well to do, 
 and smiled most heavenly smiles, for they felt that God had 
 blessed the very first part of their new scheme of salvation. 
 
153 THE DOGS AND THE KI^EAS. 
 
 Then arose and whispered Chancy Mountebank Dephool 
 Flea to the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, "Brother, 
 this is a gorgeous success so far ; thou art the gifted one ; open 
 thou the Bamboozle." 
 
 And the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite stepped 
 briskly to the front, and with a voice of tragedy delivered him- 
 self thus : 
 
 "A vision, a vision, a vision of Judgment. It is the last day 
 — the day of the final fruition of all things ; the day when all 
 the seed sowings of all the countless centuries since time was, 
 have reached their harvest. With mine eye I can see a countless 
 multitude of dogs gathered to the Judgment, rising tier on tier, 
 from the lowermost valley to the topmost height of every hill 
 and mountain. From every clime and country they come, 
 swarm on swarm, mob on mob, gathered by a mighty trumpet 
 summons there is no disobeying. They come from the East ; 
 they come from the West ; they come from the North ; they 
 come from the South ; from the frosty land of the midsummer 
 midnight sun, where white death locketh all things in his eter- 
 nal embrace, to the torrid equatorial regions of perpet- 
 ual frizzle and fry ; from the balmy lands of the fig and the 
 olive, where the spicy snifters, and odoriferous breezes of the 
 Southern seas gently woo both soul and body to gentle dozi- 
 ness, to the blizzard smitten lands of the Occidental North, 
 where the circumvolutory cyclone whirligiggeth, and the dom- 
 iciliary dwelling place fleeth violently away with all the inhab- 
 itants thereof; from the land of the azure firmament, the 
 emerald sea and opalescent atmosphere, and the land of the 
 perennial asthmatic brumosity — from everywhere they come, 
 host on host, multitude on multitude. 
 
 "The Judgment call is heard ; the Judgment is set ; the books 
 are opened. The sun goes out ; the moon explodes and becomes 
 blood ; the omuiflalulent wind roareth ; the stars fall to earth 
 in a fiery hail ; the heavens shrivel up in an awful incandes- 
 cence, as a burning scroll ; the earth rocks, and quakes, and 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 153 
 
 groans and cracks, and sends forth lurid and sulphureous flames 
 and fumes and infernal stench. The comets, with their flaming 
 tails, all snarled together, stagger like drunken celestials 
 amongst their inextricably mixed aphelia, perihelia, and syz\ gy, 
 and falling over the planetary orbits, drive their occupants to 
 distractedly demand, ' Where are we at? ' " 
 
 "The ocean's great breast heaves and throbs with huge con- 
 glomerate convulsions, and dashing o'er its divinely appointed 
 bounds, engulfs the world. The rivers everywhere rear up on 
 end, stiff wnth au infinite fright. The lengthy Mississippi, the 
 breadthy, many-mouthed Amazon, the hoary Ganges, the un- 
 filtered Missouri, the holy Jordan, swash and writhe together in 
 mid-air in au amazed intertwining. The lightnings gleam, the 
 thunders roar, the whole creation groaneth. The planets, 
 breaking loose from the centripetal force that swung them 
 around their solar center, clash and crash together in celestial 
 smash and wreck. Crash, crash, crash, in answering reverber- 
 ations, from utmost bound to utmost bound of the universe. 
 
 "And over all the din and rip and roar and clash and terror, 
 Cometh a clarion blast of an angelic trump, ' Ho ! Ho !! Ho !!! 
 Attend, all ye dogs ; for the end, the eternal end that shall 
 never be cut off", cometh. Give ear unto the voice of the Eternal 
 Verdict. ' 
 
 "And there cometh forth from the infinite profundities of the 
 tenebrious immensities, a Voice of ten thousaud-million-thunder 
 power, in direful proclamation, saying : 
 
 " 'All dogs to the Judgment. Crowns of glory, eternal joy 
 and everlasting fullness unto all dogs that on earth have done 
 righteously, have walked humbly in the fear of God, and rever- 
 enced His anointed ones, the fleas ; and have paid unto them 
 their just and Heaven-ordained dues ; that have not blasphemed 
 them, or called in question the righteousness of their doings ; 
 that have counted poverty their highest honor. Blessed are 
 they that have hungered, that the fleas might be filled ; that 
 have gone naked, that the fleas might be clothed ; that have 
 
154 . THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 died, that the fleas might live ; that have grovelled in darkness 
 and filth, that the fleas might dwell in honor and wealth. 
 Great is now their reward, and they shall now themselves be 
 lifted up on high and glorified for duty done. 
 
 " 'But woe and desolation to the disobedient, discontented and 
 unrighteous dogs that have growled against the divine ordina- 
 tion of their lives and lots ; that have cursed their hunger and 
 nakedness ; that have spoken blasphemy against the fleas, and 
 the Constitution and Laws of Canisville, and poked the blas- 
 phemous nose of Inquiry into the inscrutable and not-to-be-in- 
 quired-into wisdom of the divine ordination of dogs and fleas. 
 No crowns for them, no joy, no fullness. It is decreed that they 
 go down to Hell with Satan and Wih-umtwede.' 
 
 "At the pronouncement of this sentence the million-instru- 
 mented orchestra of the spheres crashes out a mighty 'Amen.' 
 The morning stars clap their hands with joy ; the evening and 
 the midnight stars take up the cue, and flash it on from star to 
 star ; it rings from system to system, from universe to universe, 
 until from farthest nebula to farthest nebula, the whole crea- 
 tion pulses and thrills and vibrates with the tintinnabulous 
 acclaim. The heavens open, and amid a deluge of unapproach- 
 able light, the worthy dogs with paeans of victorious joy, are 
 caught up thereto ; while Hell beneath opens wide its yawning 
 jaws, and the unrighteous and disobedient dogs, amid thunder 
 and lightning, go howling down, down, down, in an everlasting 
 and ever accelerating descent, to the place of unutterable tor- 
 ment and fiery woe." 
 
 At this mighty outburst of luridly pyrotechnical eloquence, 
 the great crowd of dogs turned deadly pale and faint ; and they 
 turned guiltily, each to his neighbor, and said, "He means us ;" 
 "Ain't it awful? " "God forgive us, we must never repine or 
 speak evil of fleas any more." 
 
 And many of the dogs there, being wasted and weak for want 
 of food, could not stand the terror of the Blatherskite's por- 
 trayal, and several of the most famished and anaemic among 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 155 
 
 them, trembled and tottered and fell dead, and bad to be carried 
 off to the morgue ; which the bystanders declared must have 
 been intended ot Heaven, as a sample and small installment of 
 the threatened Judgment. 
 
 And the assembled fleas nudged one another, and remarked 
 unctuously that the Bamboozle was working very successfully 
 so far, and was certainly being very much blessed of Heaven, to 
 the touching up of the consciences of the dogs. The Holy One 
 a Maker of long prayers and short wages, rolled up his seventh 
 day eye to heaven, and said: "We fleas have much to be 
 thankful for in the gift to us of the Blatherskite." Harry 
 Grandadhat exclaimed: "Society is saved ! " And President 
 Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea winked an eye at de Little 
 Wit Blatherskite as he resumed his seat, and whispered to him : 
 "Brother — dog only though thou art — I love thee ; thou hast 
 excellently done ; this day — thanks to the might of thy facile 
 and well lubricated jaw — is salvation come to the fleas of Canis- 
 ville ; thou hast in thine effort this day exceeded and more than 
 justified the yr^^^S^^r^f"'^ Committee's highest ex- 
 pectation of^ ^^^^^fefe \ thee; the Bamboozle pros- 
 pereth." 
 
 AndtheBlath- ^^^^J^^^^^~^ erskite, with a reciprocat- 
 ing wink, said, 
 "Yes, I flatter 
 myself there are 
 no flies on vie.'' 
 
CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, the Prince of Bam- 
 BoozLERS. — His WonderfuIv Patriotism in Going 
 Abroad Every Summer. — The Dogs Find Themselves 
 Heirs to Greater Liberty Than They 
 Thought For. — Great Success of the 
 Bamboozle. 
 
 ;N arose President Chancy Mountebank Dephool 
 Flea, and, after telling his flea friends in a cautionarj' 
 whisper not to laugh or in any other way "give 
 away " the Bamboozle, advanced with a hop, a skip 
 and a jump to the front and ordered the loud-noise- 
 producing instruments to play up, and the pretty 
 cloths to be waved on high, which, having been done, quite 
 took away the sadness of the dogs and put them in great good 
 humor. Then he stood on his head, and danced on onfe leg, and 
 
 156 
 
the; dogs and the fleas. 15"? 
 
 turned several somersaults backwards and forwards, and grinned 
 and smiled, and told the dogs some very facetious stories and 
 jokes, which caused them to howl with delirious joy, and declare 
 that that day was the happiest one they had known in many 
 years, and that Chancy Mountebank was, without exception, 
 the funniest fool of a flea they had ever seen , God bless him. 
 
 Then he walked upside down across the stage, which made 
 the dogs howl still more, and then advanced to the front and 
 said to the dogs : 
 
 "Fellow citizens of this great and prosperous country [great 
 surprise amongst the dogs and much winking amongst the Bam- 
 boozlers and other fleas], the highly favored of heaven and the 
 envy of the whole world [great astonishment of the dogs as the 
 fact dawns upon them], land of the free and home of the brave 
 [uncontrollable tittering amongst the Bamboozling Committee 
 as they lower their heads to hide it, and remarks : "ainthe a 
 dandy? " "he's away ahead of you, brother Blatherskite, in the 
 art of dog fooling," and "the Lord is with us, " from One a Maker 
 of long prayers]. My theme to-day is Liberty, glorious Liberty. 
 My dear fellow citizens, ye have no idea of the incomparable 
 heritage of honor and glory and blessing ye have in the fact 
 that ye have been born and are privileged to live in this won- 
 derful free town and country [tremendous agitation and delight 
 amongst the dogs at this new discovery, which, coming upon 
 their empty stomachs, caused several of the more famished and 
 attenuated to drop dead]. 
 
 " The very fact that ye were born to freedom, and have been 
 used to it all your lives, renders you unable to properly appreciate 
 your incomparable blessing ; for, as the proverbs have it, ' The 
 blessings we have we value not, ' and ' We never value the water 
 till the well runs dry. ' Our beloved fellow citizens there, who 
 have just fallen dead, would have been alive now had Ihey daily 
 habituated themselves to thankfulness and the proper estimation 
 of their privileges. But if 3'e had had the opportunities as I 
 have had of comparing your lot in this highly favored land, with 
 
158 THE DOGS AND THE FI,EAS. 
 
 that of the dogs iu the rest of the world beyond the pond, your 
 hearts would swell to bursting with infinite gratitude, and your 
 tongues, attuned to thankfulness, would wag with an everlasting 
 Jubilate Deo. [Tears of remorse and penitence well up in the 
 eyes of the dogs at this, and cries of "Lord, make us more 
 thankful," are heard everywhere, while Grandadhat and Mak 
 Tinley snicker and tickle each other, and ask Carnivorous what 
 he thinks of "Our Chancy," to which Andronicus replies, "I 
 envy him ; his polished and elegant way of lying is as far above 
 my coarse and clumsy way as the smoothness of velvet is above 
 the roughness of sandpaper." And One a Maker of long 
 prayers, says, " It's as good as a Means of Grace."] 
 
 " Oh, my dear fellow citizens, ye know that I am the flea that 
 goeth and cometh over the pond every year. For many years I 
 have regarded it as a sacred duty I owe to God and my beloved 
 native country, to go away over the pond every Summer, partly, 
 and as a minor consideration, to recruit my health and obtain a 
 little rest from my terribly exhausting duty of making myself 
 and certain of my fellow fleas wealthy — oh, my beloved dogs, 
 ye have not the slightest idea of what it is to bear the burdens 
 and responsibilities of being rich [a voice far away to the rear : 
 "True, true "], and the tremendous strain and wear and tear of 
 brain and body it costs to make wealth. Be thankful that God 
 has not called you to the task [the voice in the rear : " You'll 
 take care that God doesn't call us to that ! " Confusion, and 
 cries of " Put him out ! " and anxious looks on the countenances 
 of the fleas.] 
 
 "As I was saying when that unseemly interruption took place, 
 I go over the pond, partly, and as a minor consideration, for my 
 health, but primarily, and as a major consideration, that I may 
 look upon and impress upon my mind the horrible misery, 
 poverty, destitution and enslavement of the masses of dogs in 
 the foreign countries. Oh, how dreadful it is there ! Hunger 
 is the perpetual condition. Rapacious, cruel, merciless rulers 
 tax them to death. Between rich and poor there is a great gulf 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FtEAS. 159 
 
 fixed, so that those who are born poor dogs live and die poor. 
 In those dark and enslaved countries a dog knows he is a dog, 
 and can never rise to be anything higher. Such instances as 
 that of our fellow citizen and friend, Andronicus Carnivorous, 
 who began life here as a low down dog, and by dint of industry, 
 skill and the boundless opportunities which we in this country 
 offer to all, lifted himself up from the rank in which he was 
 born, and became transformed into as big a sucker as any of us, 
 could never happen there, where opportunities of dogs to rise in 
 the world and become Suckers are by infamous class laws denied 
 them. But here in this enlightened land, where we have no 
 kings, and by that ne plus ultra of all wisdom, the Constitution, 
 fleas and dogs, rich and poor, black and white, are all equal ; the 
 opportunities for advancement are countless and open to each 
 and all, and if any dog is poor and hungry, it is all the fault of 
 his own incompetency and laziness. 
 
 "In this great free land there is not — there cannot be — any 
 unrighteous w^ealth [a look of superlative virtue on Andronicus' 
 countenance, and a glory on the transfigured face of One a Maker 
 of long prayers and short wages, as he rolls up his seventh day 
 eye towards heaven]. The very fact that one has wealth is proof 
 absolute that the possessor thereof deserves it, since the oppor- 
 tunity to acquire is open equally to all. Every dog may in this 
 free country, by dint of virtue and industry, become an eminent 
 and wealthy sucker and have thousands of dogs for his nourish- 
 ment [puzzled looks of hope and new encouragement on the 
 faces of the dogs as they try, mentally, to comprehend the 
 glorious possibility of every dog doing that ; and Grandadhat 
 mutters to De Little Wit Blatherskite : "My, but Chancy gave 
 them a stiff 'un to swallow then," and the Blatherskite replies : 
 "Truly he did, my brother, but he is the joker that can do it."] 
 
 "Yes, my noble fellow citizens, my whole object in going 
 every year across the pond is, as I said, that I may see the hell 
 of degradation dogs have over there, and become horrified, so 
 that at the end of my sojourn I am so disgusted at the inequal- 
 
IfiO THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 ities and class distinctions, and the brutal tyranny of the rich 
 over the poor, that I am properly grateful to God for the precious 
 privileges He has given us here, and am profoundly thankful to 
 get back again to Home, Home, Sweet, Sweet Home, for there's 
 no place like Home, be it ever so hiunble, like Home, Sweet 
 Home. 
 
 " Oh, my dear friends, you have not the slightest idea of the 
 disgust with which those annual four mouths' contemplation of 
 foreign poverty, tyranny, aristocracy and royalty fill my soul, 
 neither can ye conceive the agony of impatience that then takes 
 possession of me to tread again the soil of my native land, this 
 land, whose pure, sweet air of Freedom is iustaut death to every 
 fonh of injustice and tyranny ; where the inalienable right of 
 every dog to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is guaran- 
 teed to him by the Constitution and equal laws ; where, under 
 the folds of the Flag that makes us free, every dog dwells in 
 peace, plenty and safety, none daring to make him afraid ; land 
 where there are no kings, lords or castes of any sort ; where 
 dogs and fleas breathe the common air of Heaven ; land of the 
 pilgrim's pride, land where our fathers died [the voice in the 
 rear again : " Yes, and where their children are dying of starva- 
 tion." Confusion, and a spasm of fear amongst the fleas, and 
 cries of "Put him out"], from every mountain side let Freedom 
 ring. 
 
 " Oh, my fellow citizens, I advise every one of you to save up 
 and perform the sacred duty of going over the pond every 
 Summer and getting horrified with the sight of foreign poverty 
 and tyranny, so that ye may come home loaded to the very 
 muzzle with thankfulness to God that He has so mercifully 
 chosen us from amongst the dogs of the earth to shower His 
 infinite bounties on. Nothing has such a tendency to make 
 noble, thankful citizens of this grandest of all grand republics 
 as going abroad for a few months during the hot weather." 
 
 At the close of this grand piece of bamboozling oratory, the 
 dogs made a supreme effort, and gave a grand howl of acclaim 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 161 
 
 that made the welkin ring, and caused several passing clouds 
 to burst into rain by reason of the concussion. The loud-noise* 
 producing instruments started up, the pretty cloths were waved 
 on high, and everything proclaimed the mad delight of the dogs 
 at the wonderful discovery by their lean and famine-devoured 
 selves that they were all free and equal, and the particular pets 
 of Heaven. 
 
 With the exception of a few growlers at the rear, who audibly 
 remarked that " If God had given them less Freedom and more 
 Victuals it would have looked better of Him," and who were 
 promptly hustled out of the crowd, all the dogs were delighted, 
 and declared that Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea was the 
 finest and most elegant truth-teller in the world and should 
 henceforth be honored as "Our Chancy." And as he took his 
 seat the whole Committee of Bamboozlers, and all the other fleas, 
 congratulated him that there were no flies on him either, and 
 One a Maker of long prayers and short wages, groaning within 
 himself, lifted up his seventh-day eye and said : "Verily the 
 Lord is this day blessing us with a great salvation," to which 
 De Little Wit Blatherskite responded: "Yea, verily, brother; 
 blessing us copiously. And why not, brother? IVe are his 
 people, and the sheep of his pasture." 
 
CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 Heaven Worketh With the Bamboozlers, Confirming 
 Their Words, With Signs P'ollowing. — Great Exper- 
 ience Meeting Around the Flag. — Harry Grand- 
 dadhat Tells What the Flag Hath Done for His 
 Soul and Body. — Likewise Andronicus Carnivorous. 
 — Wonderful Proofs of the Fact that God Helps 
 Those Who are Not Slow at Helping Themselves.- 
 
 '^ iHEN Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea had 
 
 got through with his highly successful oration, 
 he ordered the loud-uoise-producing instru- 
 ments to strike up their loudest, and the pretty 
 cloths to be waved on high with the greatest 
 ■Adgor, in order to keep up the effect that had 
 been produced, and to scare away from the door- 
 ■ ways of the dogs' brains, any sober reflections 
 that might, perchance, be seeking entrance there ; 
 and at a given signal, a very large and pretty cloth — which 
 until then, had been kept hidden — having on it a number of 
 white spots and red streaks, was run up to the top of a tall pole 
 and thrown to the breeze. Whereupon, the whole multitude of 
 the fleas, rose up, and prostrated themselves to it, crying : 
 
 " Hail ! All Hail ! All Hoiy Flag, 
 Source of our life, we bow to thee, 
 
 The Flag, the Flag, the Flag of the Free, 
 The Flag of the dog, and Flag of the flea." 
 
 And there came a great darkness over all the land ; and the 
 atmosphere was suffused with ghostly green and yellow lights, 
 
 162 
 
'the; dogs and the fleas. 163 
 
 that cast a lurid gloom over the whole assembly ; and out of 
 the darkness there came lightnings and a voice of thunder, 
 saying : 
 
 "Who doubteth that this is the Flag of the Free, 
 And boweth not down, thrice cursed be he." 
 
 And all the multitude of the fleas, cried out in chorus, 
 "Amen." 
 
 By this time, all the poor dogs were shaking like leaves in 
 the breeze, and they cried out: " What shall we do ? What 
 shall we do ? " 
 
 And the voice thundered again : 
 
 "Bow down, bow down to the Flag of the Free, 
 Bow down, and thank God for sweet Liberty." 
 
 And all the multitude of the prostrate fleas, cried out again 
 in chorus : "Aye! Bow down." 
 
 And again the ghostly lights flashed, and all manner of sol- 
 emn and awful noises w-ere heard. 
 
 And the dogs being dazed and dazzled and confused with the 
 awful sights and sounds, began everywhere to fall down and 
 worship the Flag, and, catching the enthusiasm, they soon were 
 shouting as loud as they could, which with many of them was 
 not very loud ; for they were so hungry and weak that their 
 breath failed them, but they did the best they could. 
 
 Then was lifted up the voice of the Reverend Tee de Little 
 Wit Blatherskite, proclaiming : " Let there now be a time of 
 silent lifting up of the heart in thanksgiving to God for this 
 our Flag, the most glorious on earth, and for these our liberties, 
 the only real ones on earth." 
 
 And it was so. And there came a solemn hush over all the 
 bowed assembly, broken only by pious sighs, groans and ejacu- 
 lations from the fleas, which, by contagion, was taken up by 
 the dogs, who were soon sighing and groaning and ejaculating 
 too, until the air was heavy with a solemn buzz. Then there 
 blew a holy wind from Heaven, that lifted up the folds of the 
 
164 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 beautiful flag aud caused it to wave with solema flappings most 
 beautifully ; and the solemn darkness began to pass away, to 
 the accompaniment of low, soft music, as of angel songs steal- 
 ing down from Heaven ; and the sun shone out in splendor, and 
 cast his brilliant beams right on the beautiful Flag, that was 
 transfigured in the glory of it. 
 
 Then proclaimed the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite 
 — who seemed to have naturally become the Master of Cere- 
 monies — " Brethren, let us sing : 
 
 " My Country, 'tis of Thee, 
 Sweet land of Liberty, 
 
 Of Thee I sing. 
 Land where my fathers died, 
 Land of the pilgrim's pride. 
 From every moimtaiu side, 
 Let Freedom ring. 
 
 " My native country ! Thee, 
 Land of the noble Free, 
 
 Thy name I love, 
 I love thy rocks and rills. 
 Thy woods and templed hills. 
 My heart with rapture thrills. 
 Like that above. 
 
 " Let music swell the breeze. 
 And ring from all the trees. 
 
 Sweet Freedom's song. 
 Let mortal tongues awake ; 
 Let all that breathe partake ; 
 Let rocks their silence break : 
 The sound prolong." 
 
 Then the whole assembly arose, and the loud-noise-producing 
 iubtrumeuts joined in. And the fleas being very vigorous, and 
 fat and strong, lifted up their voices with tremendous energy ; 
 aud all the salaried barkers, and the police dogs, and all the 
 other dogs that were well-fed and rotund of belly, were in good 
 voice, so that they all sent up a volume of glad sound that 
 made the air shake and caused the great Flag to give an extra 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 165 
 
 flap ; but the other dogs, being very weak with hunger, and 
 short of wind, could not do so well, but they, nevertheless, 
 made a very respectable noise and were very happy. 
 
 When the singing was over, the Reverend Tee de Little "Wit 
 Blatherskite lifted up his right paw, commanding attention, 
 and said: "Brethren, both dogs and fleas — I may call you 
 brethren, for beneath the all-encompassing folds of this glorious 
 Flag, we are all equal [mighty applause from the fleas, echoed 
 by the dogs] — I think it would be very appropriate upon this 
 occasion, and well pleasing to God, to turn this into an exper- 
 ience meeting ; and let each of us testify to the blessings of 
 Liberty, that our beloved Flag has conferred upon us. Let any 
 dog or flea get up and speak, for all are equal here. Brother 
 Grandadhat, suppose you cheer us with your experience." 
 
 Brother Grandadhat, being thus exhorted, arose, and bowing 
 low to the Flag, said : "I bless God for that Flag, and I bless 
 God that under its protecting and blessing-scattering folds I 
 was born, as were my father and my father's father. I am 
 proud to live under it. I am proud to boast that from the very 
 first day, when our fathers first flung it to the breeze, and bade 
 tyranny fly trembling, with its tail between its legs — which it 
 did — it has been giving us more and more freedom every day, 
 until now we are the freest, grandest and noblest nation on the 
 face of the great round globe. Yea, I will go further, and de- 
 clare that there is no freedom on earth, save here. 
 
 " Brethren, all, God gave us that Flag ; it was designed in 
 Heaven, and God has been ever with it, and acknowledged it 
 for his own. Never, never, never has it floated — never, never, 
 never can it float — over any wrong, injustice or tyranny. 
 Under the effulgent splendor of its beautiful white spots and 
 red streaks, wrong, injustice and tyranny wither and wilt as 
 would toadstools before the midsummer midday sun. [Tre- 
 mendous explosion of applause from the fleas, joined in by the 
 dogs.] When God gave us that Flag, he, with it, threw wide 
 open the windows and doors of Heaven, and p'ourfed out ffom 
 
166 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 his iufinite cornucopiae, such a deluge of blessings upon us as 
 no nation on earth ever got or ever will get, and forthwith made 
 us the pride of ourselves and the envy of the whole world. 
 [A most awful burst of applause from the fleas, all the fleas 
 rising up to give it. Several very weak, hungry and woe- 
 begone dogs, carried away by the whirlwind of excitement, drop 
 dead of heart failure.] 
 
 " ' The gifts of God to our people have been so abundant and 
 so special, that the spirit of devout thanksgiving awaits but the 
 appointment of a day when it may have a common expression. 
 He has stayed the pestilence at our door.' and caused all evil to 
 turn aside from touching us. ' He has given us a love for our 
 free civil institutions,' and grace to abhor and hang all who do 
 not believe we are free, and dare to say so. ' He has widened 
 our philanthropy by calls to succor the distress in other lands ; 
 and he has given us ' such 
 ' a great increase in material 
 wealth, and ' such ' a wide 
 diffusion of contentment and 
 comfort in the homes of our ' 
 dogs, that we are the wonder 
 of the whole world, and the 
 joy of ourselves. [Grand 
 crescendo of applause from 
 the fleas, and penitent ejacu- 
 lations from the dogs of: 
 "Lord, forgive our past re- 
 piuings ; " "Lord, help us 
 to feel how full we are;" 
 " Lord, take away our blind- 
 ness, that our wealth may be 
 disclosed to us ; " and much 
 winking amongst the Bamboozling Committee, at the satisfac- 
 tory working of the Bamboozle] Oh, beloved brethren, ours 
 is the Flag, the only Flag in the world worth having, and xvc've 
 
THE DOGS AND THE ELEAS. 167 
 
 got it, and don't you forget it ; [Screams, yells, and deliriums of 
 applause.] the world euvies us its possessiou ; they would like 
 it, but they shall not have it ; for my part, I will never desert 
 the Flag. No ! I will never do it It's of no use asking me. 
 That Flag has blessed me ; it has given me and mine prosperity, 
 so that I am comfortably rotund and fat ; it is the object of my 
 love, my adoration, and I never will desert it; no ne— ver. I 
 will not live under any other ; so it's of no use asking me ; I 
 would not take the riches of the whole world for the daily sight 
 of it ; so it's no use any one offering them to me. I am per- 
 fectly happy now, and I shall go to Heaven when I die. And 
 when the death dew lies cold on my brow, may my last 
 
 words "^fe : 
 
 ' oh, Flag of the Free ! I would die for thee ; 
 Emblem of Libertee, Libertee— ee.' " 
 
 And making again obeisance to the emblem, he sat down 
 amid a thunder of applause, and the hullabaloo of the loud- 
 noise-producing instruments. 
 
 Then spake the Reverend Tee De Little Wit Blatherskite, 
 " Brethren, that testimony must have done us all good, I am 
 sure. Will some other good brother favor us with his exper- 
 
 ience 
 
 Then stepped forth Andronicus Carnivorous, and, making 
 three very low obeisances to the Flag, said in a voice low and 
 broken with emotion : " Brother dogs and fleas : This is the 
 proudest and and solemnest moment of my life. When I look 
 on that glorious Flag, amongst whose bright spots and broad red 
 streaks, I can, with my mind's eye, see, traced in lines of reful- 
 gent brightness, 'LIFE, LIBERTY, HAPPINESS, EQUAL- 
 ITY, FRATERNITY,' my heart swells to bursting with grati- 
 tude, that some God, Providence or other beneficence, did, in 
 boundless mercy, direct my wandering feet, when a young and 
 poverty-stricken dog, to the shores of this glorious free land, so 
 bountifully blest with the milk and honey of prosperity ; and 
 that I was privileged— for it Tvas a privilege— to rest and dwell, 
 
168 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 and make my home under the great broad shadow of that grand 
 old Flag [making obeisance thereto] of the Free [Flea ap- 
 plause]. 
 
 "Oh, Brother dogs — for though that blessed Flag has pros- 
 pered me immensely, and made me as corpulent a sucker as the 
 most monstrous of your fleas, I am not puffed up with pride, 
 but still deem it my highest honor to count myself as one of 
 you, and to share with you the dignities of your citizenship. 
 [Applause from the dogs and a mysterious voice from the rear, 
 " Yes, but not the hunger of it," and cries of " Put him out. "] . 
 
 "Oh, brother dogs, if it is such a blessed privilege to come 
 in as a ragged stranger, and with the brogue of a foreign dog 
 on my tongue, under the folds of this Flag, Oh ! what must 
 it be to be born under it, of parents born under it, too ! Oh ! 
 I cannot enough congratulate the dogs here, who were thus 
 blessed, upon the unutterably precious heritage they have 
 in that fact. Neither can I forgive the irreparable wrong — 
 unintentional though it might have been — my parents did 
 me, in having brought me into the world in a foreign land, 
 in the midst of the darkness, heathenism, want, misery and 
 tyranny that reign wheresoever that Flag fluttereth not. 
 [Tumultuous applause from dogs and fleas.] Yet, though I 
 cannot help that wrong, I yield to no dog and no flea in the 
 width, length, depth and intensity of my love and adoration 
 of that blessed emblem of the liberty, equality and fraternity 
 that all enjoy that live under it. Yea, I believe that I, carry- 
 ing about with me the agonizing consciousness of my foreign 
 origin, am more acutely appreciative of the blessedness of liv- 
 ing under it than they who are born under it, and can 
 claim the Flag as their very own. Often and often am I 
 amazed that so many of our native dogs seem so little to appre- 
 ciate their blessings. Instead of living- in a state of perpetual 
 thankfulness, that they were born and live under this Flag, and 
 participate in the wealth, protection and liberty it scatters over 
 all that are worthy, they go about discontented and coniplain- 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 169 
 
 in g of hunger and hard work; and I have often been shocked 
 by hearing some of these very native dogs say, ' Damn Flags 
 when you've nothing to eat' I think all such dogs are blind 
 and ungrateful, and should be punished as infidels and blas- 
 phemers. [Applause.] 
 
 ' "Oh, Brethren, I can testify that the Flag has abundantly 
 blessed me, though a foreigner born. And what I say is, that 
 what it has done for me, it stands ready to do for all. I love it. 
 I live for it ; I would die for it if need were, and I should 
 happen to be in the country at the time. I would abide ever 
 under its great, wide, brooding folds, but that an imperious 
 and inevitable duty drives me to spend most of my time away 
 over the pond. 
 
 "Like my dear friend, Dephool Flea here, it is with a high 
 and lofty purpose I go abroad. Upon me is laid the solemn 
 duty to go and testify to my old kin beyond the pond, what 
 great things this glorious Flag hath done for my soul and body. 
 Over there are divers cantankerous and evil-minded carpers 
 and jibers against our glorious liberties, who allege that our 
 dogocracy is all snide ; our equality all fake ; our fraternity all 
 buncombe and gaseous boast ; our liberty all a gorgeous men- 
 dacity. Therefore deem I myself charged with the responsi- 
 bility of putting to silence and shame these calumniators, by 
 frequently dropping myself amongst them, a visible, tangible, 
 audible proof and specimen of the product of our Flag. It is 
 laid on me to be the exponent of Triumphant Dogocracy under 
 the Flag of the Free ; and woe is me if I shirk to discharge 
 this duty." 
 
 " I can understand the pain it gives our beloved Chancy to be 
 away from under his beloved Flag, three or four months every 
 year, and the overwhelming joy he always feels in getting back 
 again ; for it is martyrdom to me to be expatriated so long ; 
 but I bear up under it as well as I can, cheered by the reflec- 
 tion that I have a mission that none but I can fulfill, and that 
 I am performing the incalculably beneficent service of dissemi- 
 
170 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 natiug correct notions about this great country and its Flag, and 
 creating friendly feeling towards it." 
 
 "When this my duty shall be finally accomplished — as I 
 pray it soon may be — and I shall be privileged to come home 
 finally, and rest me forevermore under the proud flutter of its 
 waving, and daily bathe mj' glad soul in the healing beams of 
 its shining, then alone shall Andronicus Carnivorous be happy." 
 [Immense and prolonged applause, amid which the Bambooz- 
 ling Committee get around him, and hug and kiss him. And 
 the Holy One a Maker of long prayers, regretfully sighs and 
 says to himself, " Oh, Andy, Andy ! One thing only thou lack- 
 est. If thou wert only a Christian, thou wouldst be quite 
 perfect."] 
 
CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 The Spirit Irresistibly Moves Pharaoh Phrique to 
 Testify of Freedom, Equality and Justice. — Which 
 Shows that Satan Can Sometimes be Exceedingly 
 Pious. — Phrique Overdoes His Part and Nearly 
 Wrecks the Bamboozle. — Mak Tinley 
 to the Rescue. 
 
 ^ARDLY had Carnivorous resumed his seat, when 
 there was a great commotion among the fleas 
 behind. It was caused by Pharaoh Phrique, 
 upon whom the Spirit of Prophecy had just de- 
 scended. Rising, he shouted, " I want to testify. 
 Oh, I shall burst if I don't testify." 
 To whom De Little Wit Blatherskite said : " Brother, noth- 
 ing hinders that thou testify. Come forward then, and testify, 
 and the Lord be with thee." 
 
 Then Pharaoh Phrique hasted and ran, and tumbled over 
 several of the other fleas, and having made profound obeisance 
 to the Flag, he opened his mouth to speak, but he could not ; 
 for a great emotion seized him and shook him, and he wept 
 with a great weeping greatly. Whereat all the fleas sympa- 
 thetically wept also, while all the dogs wondered. 
 
 After a short time, however, he found utterance, and in 
 broken accents began : " Oh, Brethren, dogs and fleas ; never 
 did I fully realize until my beloved partner, Andronicus Carniv- 
 orous, was testifying as to what this, our glorious Flag, had done 
 for his soul and body, the infinite blessings it brings to us all. 
 I said to myself, while he was testifying, 'Oh! If this poor 
 God-forgotten foreigner, born under a bloody flag, where Liberty 
 was never heard of, where equality and fraternity are words of 
 incomprehensible jargon, could come here, and in the space of 
 
 171 
 
173 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 a few short years could have his miud so wonderfully enlarged 
 and ennobled, and his soul so saturated with the sacred prin- 
 ciples of freedom, as he has evidenced to us to day, Oh ! what 
 a home of Liberty our country must be ! ' And, I tell you, 
 brethren (and it's a fact we uativeborners may be justly proud 
 of), this just shows that the very air here is Liberty, by which, 
 the moment an\' one breathes it, he is made free. And, above 
 all, let us remember, and never forget, that WE made this free 
 air, and this free country ; that is, OUR FATHERS and WE. 
 They laid the foundations of Liberty, roughly and according to 
 the light they had ; but it was, by an all-vrrse Providence, who 
 foreknew our coming, reserved unto US — with our more acute 
 appreciation of, and more advanced education in, the principles 
 of true freedom — to rear therefrom the finished superstructure, 
 the biggest, grandest, and most gorgeously beautiful Temple of 
 Liberty the world ever saw. 
 
 "And this was all perfectly natural. We are a free people, 
 and a free people makes free institutions. Freedom with us is 
 an instinct. It is born in us. It is our atmosphere, our food. 
 It sticks out all over us. A true born Canisvillian takes to 
 Liberty more naturally than a duck takes to water. Liberty is 
 as much our attribute, as the odor is the attribute of the rose, 
 and, like the rose, we diflFuse it wherever we move ; so that 
 whosoever seeth us, smelleth us, or toucheth us, draweth virtue 
 from us, and is made free. [Tempests, whirhA-inds, cyclones of 
 applause that nearly lift Pharaoh Phrique off his feet.] 
 
 " Thus it is, brethren, that in all this broad land there is no 
 such thing as a slave, never was, and never can be. A slave, or 
 an oppressed dog of any description here, is an anomal}' we 
 would not endure for a moment. [Much applause from the 
 fleas and joy amongst the dogs.] 
 
 "The great reason why this is the cradle and home of Liberty 
 is, that every true, native born CanisA-illian — be he dog or be he 
 flea — burns so brightly with the sacred fire of Liberty, that he 
 acts as though he were the sole and only defender of his 
 
THfi E)OGS AND THE F'tEAS. 173 
 
 country's rights and liberties. Here each citizen spriugs spon- 
 taneously to its defense. Not a flea of us but would spring with 
 alacrity, at the first call of danger, to lend the Government, at 
 six per cent., and good security, all the wealth he has ; and I am 
 sure that the noble patriotism of our citizen dogs is such that 
 not a dog would shirk to go forth to fight and die for his Country 
 and Flag. [Rampageous cheering by the dogs, marred by a 
 voice, " At naught per cent, and no security."] 
 
 " Oh! Brethren!" exclaimed Brother Phrique, ignoring the in- 
 terruption, that made the Bamboozling Committee look uneasily 
 at each other, "if there is one thing more than another that 
 this Flag— my Flag, your Flag — has wrought into the very fibre 
 of my soul, it is the love of Libertv, Justice and Fair Dealing. 
 Oh, how my soul burns with indignation when I read of the 
 injustice and brutal tyranny that are practised on the poor dogs 
 in foreign lands— oppressions that our free and noble dogs w^ould 
 not endure for a moment ! Oh ! I wonder they do not rise and 
 kill their oppressors. But they do the next best thing. They 
 have heard that over here is the only genuine and original Flag 
 of Liberty ; and they come by hundreds and by thousands — 
 escaped slaves — to rest them under its shadow, and dwell in 
 peace and plenty forever more, where the oppressor ceases from 
 troubling, and the weary are at rest." [A voice from afar off: 
 " How about your Blood and Bones Grindery, and your Devil's 
 Cheap Bargain Counter Dogs ? " Great confusion, and a rush 
 of police dogs to that part, with no result.] 
 
 Here the Bamboozling Committee cast anxious glances at 
 each other, and hastily got together in a rear corner, and 
 Brother Grandadhat said to Mountebank Dephool Flea, "Oh, 
 Chancy, Brother Phrique will wreck this whole Bamboozle. 
 What E^^l Spirit from the Lord led that dog to ask him that 
 unfortunate question ? Oh ! that we had not allowed him to 
 come forward ! " 
 
 And Chancy replied, " It is unfortunate, very. We must shut 
 him off, somehow, or he will certainly render all our Bamboozle 
 
Hi THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 nugatory. There are evideutly some of those thinking dogs 
 present, damn 'em. If it had not been for them, this hocus- 
 pocus would have gone off swimmingly." 
 
 "Thinking dogs present, did you say, Brother Chancy?" 
 exclaimed Carnivorous, shaking with fright. " Do you think 
 there is danger of more trouble? Hadn't I better get away 
 over the pond ? Is there any boat ready ? Am I likely to get 
 hurt? I have a Reputation to maintain. My Mission and the 
 Voice of Duty " 
 
 " Don't be a fool, Andy," broke in Wi^jelm Bunkum Mak 
 Tinley, " this Bamboozle is no failure by a long chalk. We will 
 get Brother Phrique out of the way. It was a great folly and 
 oversight on our part to let him be put forward at this juncture. 
 But I will tickle these dogs' ears, and pull wool over their eyes, 
 and more than make up for this misadventure." 
 
 " Canst thou save us. Brother Mak Tinley ? " said Andronicus. 
 
 "You bet I can," replied Mak Tinley. "Why, these Canis- 
 ville dogs are the most gullible Yools in all creation. They are 
 a fish that can be caught with a bare hook every time, if only 
 one has courage and address enough to know how to fling it. 
 The secret lies in lying to them with the most tremendous sin- 
 cerity and boldness. It is the triumph of mind over matter; of 
 intellect over brute strength." 
 
 "Then we will get Brother Phrique off" and put thee on," 
 said President Dephool Flea. 
 
 So Chancy Mountebank vv'hispered softly for a few moments 
 unto Pharaoh Phrique, and advised him to slow down his 
 speech, and taper off and wind up and retire as gracefully as he 
 could, as he was jeopardizing the Bamboozle. 
 
 And Pharaoh took the hint, and perorated a few minutes 
 about the beauty of brotherly love, of righteousness, Liberty, 
 patriotism and the Flag ; and having made exactly one dozen 
 obeisances to the glorious Flag of the Free, and spent five 
 minutes in silent and rapturous adoration of it, he slid away to 
 the rear, and sank out of sight, and was no more seen or heard. 
 
CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 WiLHEirM Bunkum Mak Tinley Deals out to the Dogs 
 Some Tremendous Doses of Bunkum, but the Dogs' 
 SwAEEOW IS Much More Tremendous and They Guep it 
 Easily. — He Treats Them to a Masterly Exhibition 
 oE His Art of Statistic and Average Juggling. — The 
 Starving Dogs Delighted at Finding Themselves 
 Proved so Wealthy. 
 
 I HEN arose Wilhelm Bun- 
 kum Mak Tinley Flea 
 and stepped forward, 
 while all the assembled 
 fleas cheered and ap- 
 plauded to the echo, 
 which made all the dogs 
 think that he must be 
 some extraordinary 
 prophet, either just arisen 
 or just come down. He 
 was a portly flea, of most 
 benevolent aspect, and 
 seemed to be the very 
 embodiment of sincerity. 
 He had a mild and beau- 
 tiful God-Bless-You-My- 
 Children eye, and a beau- 
 tifully sympathetic O - 
 How-I-Love-You mouth, 
 which at once inspired re- 
 And when he opened his mouth to speak, his softly 
 ♦ 175 
 
 spect. 
 
11'6 THE DOGS ANt) THE FtEAS. 
 
 cadent voice floated o'er the vast assembly of dogs like augelic 
 music, so that they — utter strangers to siich delightful souuds — 
 stood entranced, and the Bamboozling Committee beamed 
 glances of perfect satisfaction on one another. 
 
 " Incline your ears unto me, O beautiful, dutiful dogs," said 
 he, "dogs of a goodly lineage, free born, noble and independent. 
 Give ear unto my voice. I esteem it the proudest honor of 
 my life to be permitted the precious privilege of standing before 
 and addressing such a vast audience of free and intellectual 
 dogs, as the one now before me. [Great straightening up of 
 the dogs, and brightening of their eyes.] This is an audience 
 whose intelligent ej-es and noble brows show at once that noth- 
 ing but TRUTH will go down with them, [Greater straighten- 
 ing up of the dogs.] that to fool them is an impossible task. 
 And why ? Because ye are Canisvillians, and that [pointing] is 
 your Flag, the Flag of the Free. [Great cheering from the fleas 
 and dogs too. ] 
 
 "And not only is that the Flag of Freedom, but it is the Flag 
 of Prosperit}', too. [Fleas cheer, while dogs wonder.] Yes, 
 fellow citizens, I repeat it, the Flag of Prosperity. Never was 
 there a country so free or so prosperous ; and I may say never 
 was there a country so able to defend its freedom and prosperity. 
 [Cheering.] 
 
 "I regret to sa}' that there are certain unpatriotic dogs 
 amongst us, who are so far lost to the sense of their duty to 
 stick up for their country, right or wrong, as to wickedly assert 
 that dogs in this country are hungry and poor ; but we fling the 
 calumny in their teeth ; we brand it as a lie ; we rejoin that it 
 is the lie of our country's old time enemy, Kyhiuom, and for 
 you dogs to believe it, were a libel upon your intelligence. 
 [Great wonderment on the countenances of the dogs.] 
 
 "But, fellow free citizens, they cannot fool you thus; ye know 
 that ye are neither hungry nor poor. 
 
 "What do Statistics tell us? What saith Average? What 
 saitli Protection ? What saith the Great Hunkidori ? What 
 
the; dogs and th^ PtfiAg. l'?'? 
 
 saith the Gospel of the Balance of Trade ? What saith the Book 
 of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports ? What is the 
 voice of the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis? All these 
 Ho'.y Scriptures teach us that there is neither hunger nor pov- 
 erty in all this glorious land under the Flag of the Free ; that 
 we, as a country, are the fairest, fattest and wealthiest people 
 God's sun ever shone on. [Tempestuous applause from the 
 fleas, and great mesmerism of the dogs, some, however, absent- 
 mindedly stroking their flat bellies.] 
 
 "Fellow citizens, the Gospel of the Balance of Trade telleth 
 us that the Balance is with us, and not agin us. Our god Pro- 
 tection, is as a wall of fire round about us, warming and com- 
 forting us within, and scorching and shrivelling all those with- 
 out. The Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports 
 assureth us that our bread is certain and our water sure. The 
 Great Hunkidori speaketh and saith that we are all right, and 
 there is nothing the matter with tis. And we have the precious 
 promise of the ever blessed and a lorable Gold Basis that no 
 evil shall touch us while ever our feet are planted on its eter- 
 nal foundation. And vStatistics tell us that Our National Wealth 
 is greater than that of any nation of dogs under heaven. 
 [L/Usty cheers from the fleas, and delighted expressions on the 
 faces of the dogs] 
 
 "Yes, fellow citizens, Statistics never lie. They are our in- 
 fallible guide through the wilderness of assertion and counter- 
 assertion. You may nst your weary feet on them every time. 
 When heart and flesh fail you, and despondency taketli hold 
 upon you ; when ye walk through the valley of ghosts and 
 spectres of Hunger and Poverty aud Want, and ye are sore 
 afraid they are upon yoii, then look ye to, and trust ye in Statis- 
 tics, and ye shall be saved ; the ghosts and spectres shall fly 
 away and ye shall know that ye are full and happy. [Sobs and 
 cries of joy from the dogs at this beautiful Free Salvation.] 
 "See, Brethren, See ! Statistics tell us that the dogs of Canis- 
 ville and countrv are 6."), 000. Statistics also tell us that our 
 
1*76 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 National Wealth Heaps, in charge of the Sacred Trustees, con- 
 tain more than equal to 650,000 basketfuls of good, wholesome 
 food, which, divided by 65,000, gives an Average of ten basket- 
 fuls Per Capita. [Ejaculations of surprise and astonishment 
 from the dogs, who had no idea before that they were so 
 wealthy.] 
 
 "Now, fellow citizens, this is a wonderful showing. Only 
 think of it ! Ten basketfuls to every dog in Canisville ! 
 Enough to make every dog quite corpulent and his ribs to bulge 
 with fullness. It is marvellous. It is astounding. No other 
 dogs in the whole wide world can show such an Average. I am 
 told by our brother, Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, and 
 bj' brother Andronicus Carnivorous, that over the pond, in the 
 best countries there, the Average is not more than one basketful 
 per capita ; that in most it is less than that, and that in some it is 
 nothing at all, [Sighs of sympathy from the dogs for those 
 poor devils.] 
 
 "Should not our dogs then, instead of repining that they are 
 not more wealthy, rejoice and be exceeding glad that they are 
 so much better off than the poor oppressed dogs of other lands ? 
 Ought they not to thank God hourly for their great Average, and 
 to bless him for Statistics that make such a wonderful Average 
 possible ? 
 
 "TEN BASKETFULS PER CAPITA!!! Think for a moment 
 what that means. Statistics tell us that the average of mouth- 
 fuls to the basket, is, in round numbers, one hundred. This, 
 multiplied by ten, equals one thousand vioiithfuls per dog. 
 Think of it ! One thousand mouthfuls of GOOD VICTUALS 
 per dog. [Sensation amongst the dogs ; great watering of 
 mouths and licking of chops. ] The mind fails to grasp the im- 
 mensity of the fact ; it is stunned ; it staggers ; it reels. Imag- 
 ination's utmost stretch in wonder dies away. It is wealth 
 incomprehensible. ONE THOUSAND MOUTHFULS PER 
 DOG ! ! ! It sounds like Fiction. It sounds like a lie, it is so 
 incredible ; and yet, there are the Statistics ; there are the fig- 
 
THE DOGS AND THfi FLEAS. 
 
 179 
 
 ures which are beyond disproof, beyond dispute. [Great cheer- 
 ing by the dogs over these facts.] 
 
 Well may the true Canisville dog be proud of his country 
 and his Flag ; proud of his comfortable home and his sleek and 
 fat condition ; proud of the Statistics, and proud of the generous 
 Average the Statistics give him to eat. [The dogs applaud and 
 cry, "Three cheers for Male Tiuley."] 
 
 " Shall v^^e surrender, then, this our prosperity, to our Enemy? 
 [Never, from the dogs.] Shall we haul down the Flag of 
 Freedom that gives us this prosperity ? [No, no, no, from the 
 dogs, and Perish the thought, from the fleas.] Patriots, fel- 
 low citizens, brothers, let us ever cherish, down in our deepest 
 hearts, the principles that have, under God, differentiated us 
 from the rest of the world and lifted us to the highest pinnacle 
 of wealth and greatness that dogs ever enjoyed. Let us never 
 surrender them, but stick by the Holy Statistics and the Aver- 
 age ; by our Protection and the Great Hunkidori ; by the Gos- 
 pel of the Balance of Trade, the Book of the Prophecy of the 
 Exports aud Imports, and the ever blessed and adorable Gold 
 Basis. Abide by these ; fight for them ; if needs be, die for 
 them ; thus shall ye enjoy ' , life and wealth, and glory and 
 honor and blessing your- aji selves, and hand down intact 
 your glorious heritage to ^S your happy posterity." 
 
 Making genuflexion to_| 
 dogs, Mak Tinley 
 of applause broke 
 
 the flag, and bowing to the 
 retired, while storms 
 out from the dogs. 
 
CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 Unqualified Triumph of Bunkum, Statistics and Aver- 
 ages. — Everything and Everybody "All Right."— 
 Thin and Hungry Honest Labor Testifies — His Head 
 Swells.— Shows that a Great Deal of Rich Patriot- 
 ism can be Raised on a Very Small Amount of Poor 
 Victuals. 
 
 ILHELM Bunkum Mak Tin- 
 ley's oration made a pro- 
 found impression. Upon 
 the assembled fleas there 
 fell a peace as of an un- 
 disturbed sea, a sweet 
 consciousness that at 
 last, all danger from 
 dog-thinking was safe- 
 ly over. The Bambooz- 
 ling Committee beam- 
 ed and winked at each 
 other in silent ecstasy. 
 And as for the dogs, 
 nothing like their 
 satisfaction ever was 
 before seen. Mak Tinley's magnificent 
 effort had done the job. There was in it 
 an array of facts and figures that carried 
 conviction home to their hearts and con- 
 sciences. Poetry, imagery and gush the 
 others had given — which was all very delightful — but he had 
 
 180 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 181 
 
 risen to the needs of the times. They were hungry and wasted, 
 and he had opened the granary of his brilliant imagination, and 
 had poured out upon them some real, genuine, solid, sub- 
 stantial, and stomach filling Statistics and Averages, that put 
 new life and soul into them. They danced and howled with 
 joy ; they hugged and kissed each other, and blessed God for 
 Mak Tinley, the Stomach Filler. One meagre and unkempt dog 
 cried, "Three cheers for Mak Tinley, Statistics and Averages," 
 which all the dogs gave. Then another meagre dog yelled, 
 "Hurrah for our Country and Flag, the finest in the world, " 
 and all the dogs hurrahed, the pretty cloths were fluttered on 
 high, the loud-noise producing instruments were blown and 
 banged and thumped, and at the word "Flag," all the fleas 
 arose and made prosternation. 
 
 Then a large, thiu and lanky dog, with hungry ej'es, jumped 
 up and demanded that three cheers be rendered unto the Bam- 
 boozling Committee ; which were no sooner given than he 
 inquired with great and strident solicitude, "What is the matter 
 with Harry Grandadhat? " And the whole assembly of dogs 
 and fleas, before Grandadhat had time to reply on his own be- 
 half, thundered out in one mighty chorus, " He's all right ; " 
 to which some one, who had evidently not heard who was 
 referred to, inquired, "Who's all right?" to which again the 
 whole assembly, very courteously and obligingly, responded in 
 chorus: "Why, Harry Grandadhat." All which catechism 
 seemed, for some deep and inscrutable reason, to cause a perfect 
 delirium of joy. And the delirium spread and waxed until 
 nothing was heard or seen but the chorused catechism, three 
 cheers for everything and everybody, the hubbub of the wind 
 and thump instruments, the waving of the pretty cloths, and 
 the dogs tearing madly around, howling, standing on their 
 heads, rolling on the ground, and leaping over each other for 
 joy and gladness. 
 
 At last the tempest lulled, and the Blatherskite stepped for- 
 ward and said, "Brethren, now is the accepted time; now is 
 
183 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 the day of testimony. In this hour of softened splendor and 
 outpouring upon us all of the holy spirit of patriotism, if there 
 is any dog here that feels it borne in upon his soul to testify, 
 let him step up, and the Lord be with him." 
 
 Then stepped up the large and lanky dog of the hungry eyes, 
 lolling out his tongue and panting with his recent great exer- 
 tions, and feebly tottered up the eminence to testify. But be- 
 fore he commenced, Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea got 
 hold of him, and demanded of him his name, that he might 
 introduce him. Then Dephool Flea stepped forward and said, 
 "Dogs and fellow citizens: This respected citizen says his 
 name is Honest Labor, and that he desires to say what the Flag 
 has done for his soul. Oh, fellow citizens, I need not tell you 
 that such as he are the pride and strength of our common 
 country, that k is to him and the Lowly Toiler, that the grand- 
 eur, magnificence and superbity of our material prosperity are 
 due. Let us all gratefully remember that without him and his 
 unceasing toil, this country had not been ; that to him are we 
 beholden for a large part — if not the largest part— of our wealth ; 
 that our brain, without his diligent paw, would have been abso- 
 lutely useless ; that in the upbuilding of this great country, he 
 was the greatest factor, and that to him we look for its defence, 
 its perpetuity. 
 
 "And I may say that it is our pride that this is a country, 
 this is THE country, this the ONLY country in the world, 
 where Honest Labor is held in honor ; yea, in reverence; yea, 
 that is crowned with glory and honor, and given first place in 
 
 our esteem, and " Here a loud voice came from afar off in 
 
 the crowd, " First place at the grub basket would suit him 
 better," followed by great confusion, alarm, and a great rush of 
 police dogs that way, and a sound of thumped heads. The fleas 
 looked anxious, and the Bamboozlers uneasy, and Andronicus 
 Carnivorous, scenting danger, sidled off. Dephool Flea was 
 much discumfuzzled, and nearly lost his cherubic smile ; but 
 he heroically held up his end, and continued : 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 183 
 
 " As I was saying, other eflfete countries have their kings and 
 lords ; but here we recognize no king, but Honest L/abor [great 
 cheers and restoration of confidence], no order of nobility but 
 that of Humble Toil ; and in no country does Honest Labor get 
 so large a share of his own product, or hold his head so high 
 with the conscious pride of his own worth. I have the proud 
 honor and precious privilege of introducing him." 
 
 During all this speech, it was noticed that poor Honest Labor 
 was changing visibly. At first his hungry eye grew bright, and 
 his nostrils distended ; and as the eloquence waxed in tumidity 
 and turgidity, his head was lifted up and began to swell and 
 swell, and at the crowning reference to his coronation as a king, 
 it took a sudden and mighty inflation that made his body and 
 legs look ridiculously thin and small and spindling by com- 
 parison. 
 
 "What thinkest thou of our Chancy now?" said Harry 
 Grandadhat, to his dear friend, the Holy One a Maker of long 
 prayers, as he pointed to the Phenomenon. 
 
 "Called and chosen, called and chosen," replied One a Maker 
 of prayers, " God hath indeed given unto him great talents." 
 
 "The Bamboozle prospereth indeed," said Mak Tinley, and 
 tipping the wink to the Monstrous Fleas, he whispered to one 
 of the nearest of them, whose name was Shikago Pigsfoot, 
 " Brother, merrily will go the Blood and Bones Mill after this." 
 
 "Yes, yes," replied Shikago Pigsfoot, "the last drop of 
 blood shall be squeezed out of them. I am famishing to see the 
 Mill going again, it seems an awful loss to waste a whole day 
 when every tiny drop of blood is so precious to us ; but I 
 suppose this bamboozle is all for our ultimate good. Oh, that 
 to-morrow were here and the Mill going ! " 
 
 Then stepped forward Honest Labor, and having made obeis- 
 ance to the Flag, as he had seen the flea speakers do, he spake : 
 
 "Feller dogs; this is the proudest moment of my life. 
 Feller dogs, you mustn't expect a fine speech from me, for as I 
 was born poor and hungry, I had to turn out at eight months 
 
184 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 old to scratch for bones to eke out the family living. Conse- 
 quently, I haint had no eddication. My father, whose name was 
 Lowly Toil, and is dead now, having been taken oiT early by 
 a mysterious epidemic called ' Vacuity of the Alimentary 
 Canal,' that was going about at that time, was always too poor 
 to give me any eddication ; but, bless the Lord, he gave me 
 what is far better — he early planted in my youthful breast the 
 love of country. Says he to me, says he, he says, ' Honny, 
 this 'ere's your Country and that there's your Flag, and you'll 
 never get such another Country with such another Flag on it, 
 if you sarch the earth over. It's the finest Country and the 
 finest Flag that ever was or ever will be, and" don't you forget it.' 
 [Burst of applause from the fleas and dogs too.] Says I to him, 
 says I, I says, 'Father, I never will ; come dark, come light, 
 come weal, come woe, come anything, I'll never go back on my 
 Country and my Flag.' [Tempest of cheers.] 
 
 " And I never have. This is God's country. [Cheers from 
 the fleas.] It is a free country. [Cheers.] It is the poor dog's 
 country. [Cheers on cheers from the fleas and dogs too.] 
 Everybody says so. The foreign dogs from over the pond say 
 so. Where will you find a country that gives the honest worker 
 so good a living? [Immense cheering by the fleas.] Where 
 will you find a country that gives such ' constant employment?' 
 And pays such ' high wages ? ' [Cheers from the fleas, and 
 " Aye, that's the question," from the Bamboozlers.] Where so 
 many dogs have snug bank accounts ? Where Statistics give 
 dogs such a high Average of victuals to eat ? [Immense cheers 
 and cries of " Hurrah for Mak Tinley. "] Where there is such 
 a wide 'difi"usion of comfort and content?' [Cheers, and 
 "Hurrah for Graudadhat."] Where will you find a country 
 as gives such chances for poor and honest dogs to get on and 
 come to the Great Transformation ? [Great cheers.] 
 
 "Look at Carnivorous ; he was poor and honest once, and 
 now look at him. And he aint the only one. Look at our 
 Gold Jays, our Rollefeckers, our Armorses, our Makkises^ our 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 185 
 
 BatideivlliS, our Pimples, our Carbuncles, our Corns, our Warts, 
 our Bunions ; all poor and honest once, and now see what they 
 are. I tell you, feller dogs, there never was a Country and a 
 Flag as gave the poor and honest such grand chances to get on 
 and become something totally different. Look at our Blood 
 and Bones Grindery ! Why, I am told .that if any of our free 
 and happy Handle turners w^ere to go over the pond, and get a 
 job in them foreign pauper labor grinderies, they would be dis- 
 gusted with the long hours and small pay. There the Mon- 
 strous Fleas actually demand that every dog give a whole leg to 
 the hopper, before he can get a place at the Handle, and is, 
 
 moreover, bound to serve seven years before he can leave his 
 job. But here, in this free country, a dog has only got to con- 
 tribute two or three toes, and is free to leave his job whenever 
 he chooses. [Wonderful cheering.] 
 
 " Everything in this glorious countrj- is away ahead of the 
 old countries. Even the rags of the dogs here look more 
 respectable than there ; and as for poverty, such a thing is not 
 known here, for if a dog have neither food, nor kennel, nor 
 where to lay his head, he can look up and thank God that he 
 has a Country and a Flag. 
 
186 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 " I grind at the Handle niueteeu hours a day, and I have 
 given four toes to the hopper ; but I thank God that I might be 
 far worse off. Often I am hungry, very hungry, but I thank 
 God that I might be hungrier. I am contented. It is the duty 
 of dogs to be contented [applause from the Monstrous Fleas,] 
 a dog that is always growling about his lot, is a nuisance to 
 himself and everybody else. God don't love him, the Church 
 don't respect him, and his employers hate him." 
 
 Here all the Bamboozlers arose and patted him on the back, 
 and the Blatherskite turned to the assembly and said, " Behold, 
 a model citizen. Blessed are the contented, for when they die 
 the gates of Heaven shall swing wide open to let them in." 
 
 Continuing, Honest Labor said, " It is the duty of every dog 
 to stick up for the country that gives him employment and 
 keeps wages as high as they are. The only thing we have to 
 fear, is that them foreign pauper dogs from over the pond, 
 envious of our great prosperity, will come crowding over here, 
 and tempt our employers to cut down our wages. But I am 
 convinced that all our eminent, wealthy and Monstrous Fleas, 
 led on and sustained by such friends of ours as Carnivorous, 
 Phrique, Mak Tinley, Dephool Flea, Webbfoot, and others, 
 would make a tremendous fight against that temptation before 
 they would yield. Therefore, I say, three times three cheers 
 for our Country, our Institutions, and our Flag, the freest, 
 finest and grandest in the world." 
 
 The burst of applause that followed this simple eloquence was 
 deafening. The wind and bang instruments struck up, the 
 dogs ranted and raved, the Bamboozling Committee stood on 
 their heads with delight and all the fleas beamed with silent 
 ecstasy. 
 
CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 Apotheosis of Honest Labor. — Gorgeous Ceremonies.— 
 Beautiful Unanimity of the Mutually Inimical Fleas 
 Around the Throne. — End of Bamboozle No. 1. — An 
 Awful Find. — King Honest Labor Dead ; Which 
 Shows That Plenty to Eat Is Better Than to Be a 
 vSham King. 
 
 WONDERFUL thing now happened. Exactly 
 how it happened was a secret known only to the 
 Bamboozling Committee and some of their inti- 
 mates ; but just as the delirium of the dogs' joy 
 was at its height, the whole assembly of the fleas 
 arose as by one simultaneous impulse and cried : 
 " Long live Honest Labor, son of Lowly Toil ! He shall be our 
 King. Bring forth the Royal Diadem and crown him Lord of 
 
 all." 
 
 187 
 
 /*^ 
 
188 THE DOGS AND THE FI.EAS. 
 
 And suddenly, beneath the great Flag of the Free, a great 
 and gorgeous throne was set ; and the Bamboozling Committee, 
 gathering around and making genuflexion to poor Honest Labor 
 — whose head by this time had grown to an enormous size — led 
 him with every sign of homage and adoration, and amid the de- 
 lighted admiration of the dogs, to the throne, and set him 
 therein. And when he was set, a lot of the wealthy, eminent 
 and Monstrous Fleas, headed by Grandadhat and Dephool Flea, 
 ranged themselves up as a bodyguard of worshippers on either 
 side of him ; and another lot, headed by Bunkum Mak Tinley, 
 fell at his feet as Homage Renderers. And Grandadhat, making 
 a sign to the vast multitude of dogs, ostentatiously' kissed him 
 on the nose and on the right ear ; and Dephool Flea, making 
 another sign to the multitude, ostentatiously kissed him on the 
 nose and on the left ear ; and Mak Tinley, on behalf of the 
 Homage Renderers generally, and on his own behalf particu- 
 larly, kissed him on the feet ; and all three, turning dramatically 
 to the dogs, cried : " Behold our King ! " 
 
 And all the assembled fleas cried out in chorus : " God save 
 the King ! " 
 
 Then cried aloud Dephool Flea: "The Royal Diadem, the 
 Royal Diadem ! Bring it forth, and crown him Lord of all." 
 
 Then there stepped forth a very large flea, Grover Ponderous 
 Flea by name, bearing a gorgeous looking regalia — a robe, a 
 sceptre and a crown of very large diameter — followed by two 
 small satellite fleas, named, the one Rosy Pretty Flower, the 
 other Pennzy Pattyson, bearing between them a ponderous 
 bowl filled to the brim wilh some golden liquid, around which 
 flies buzzed. Whereupon all the dogs gave a great howl of de- 
 light, for they seemed to know them. 
 
 " Hurrah ! " they cried, " for Grover Ponderous Flea, the new 
 Nighunto ; the tried and trusty friend and worshipper of Honest 
 Labor. Hurrah ! Hurrah ! ! Hurrah ! ! ! " 
 
 And Grover Ponderous Flea, bowing graciously to the 
 dogs, and smiliug knowingly to the fleas, advanced to the 
 
ttin Docis AND The; fleas. 
 
 180 
 
 throne, and lifting up his eyes to the Flag, thus addressed the 
 occupant : 
 
 " Oh Honest Labor, whose very name is hallowed, hail ! All 
 hail ! In this Land of the Free, whose very air is instantaneously 
 deadly poison to tyranny and kings of the ancient sort, we, 
 God's own freeborn, have learned that there is nothing truly 
 noble but that which Nature has patented; that nothing deserves 
 to reign but that which Nature has crowned King. Our fathers, 
 the prophets, who gave us our Liberty and our Flag, taught us, 
 and we, their childreu, have learned that Honest Labor is the 
 
 Creator of all Wealth, our guide, preserver and friend, the Prop 
 of our Republic, without whose support the bottom would fall 
 out, and therefore the only true, rightful. Nature-ordained king, 
 the only right sort of a king to reign over US, the finest race of 
 dogs and fleas that God in his wonderful wisdom ever created. 
 "Therefore, in the name of all these dogs assembled here, 
 and all the fleas, whose loyalty I voice, I invest thy sacred and 
 large head, oh. Honest Labor, with this crown of large diameter. 
 Thou art our Lord ; thou art our King. We worship thee. We 
 love thy dirty paws. We love thy smell. We proudly point to 
 
l&O THE DOGS AND THK FLEAS. 
 
 thine uugroomed and unwashen hide, for they are the insignia 
 of thine inherent glory. Henceforth thou art our Lord, our 
 god and King, and we thine ever-obedient subjects." And 
 with that he put the robe upon him, and put the sceptre in his 
 right paw, and retired backward from the Royal Presence. 
 
 Then cried Dephool Flea again : "Bring forth the Royal 
 Taff}' Bowl and feed him royally full." 
 
 Then did Grover Ponderous Flea advance again, this time 
 preceded by his satellites, Rosy Pretty Flower and Penuzy Pat- 
 tyson, bearing the ponderous bowl. He gave a sign, and all the 
 Bamboozling Committee and a large number of fleas of all sorts. 
 High Pressurists, Low Pressurists, Nighuntos and Faraways, 
 smiling and smirking in most heavenly amicability upon one 
 another, gathered around the Taffy Bowl. 
 
 Then Grover Ponderous Flea called upon Tee de Little Wit 
 Blatherskite to say grace over the mess — which he did in his 
 most blatherskitish and perfervid manner — and then lifting up 
 his eyes to heaven, he muttered over it some words of a strange 
 lingo, which none bit the most learned of the Bamboozling 
 Committee understood. Some said he was enraptured, and was 
 in a trance, and was conveising with spirits who spoke a dialect 
 of that part of heaven called Sherrycoblerland, which he under- 
 stood. Some said it was not so ; he was praying, which 
 nobody there at all understood. But some very knowing fleas 
 said Grover Ponderous Flea was a Great High Priest and had 
 the gift of Transubstantiation, and was really muttering the 
 Sacred Words over the Taffy, which transformed it into the 
 real body and blood of the Everblessed Truth and Verity. Be it 
 as it ma)', these were the words : 
 
 "There is one important aspect of the subject which espec- 
 ially should never be overlooked, at times like the present; 
 when the evils of unsound finance threaten us, the speculator 
 may anticipate a harvest gathered from the misfortune of oth- 
 ers, the capitalist may protect himself by hoarding, or may 
 even find profit in the fluctuation of values, but the wage 
 earner— the first to be injured by a depreciated currency, and 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 191 
 
 the last to receive the benefit of its correction — is practically 
 defenceless. He relies for work upon the ventures of confident 
 and contented capital ; this failing him, his condition is with- 
 out alleviation, for he can neither prey on the misfortunes of 
 others, nor hoard his labor. One of the greatest statesmen our 
 country has known, speaking more than fifty years ago, when 
 a derangement of the currency had caused commercial distress, 
 said : 'The very man of all others who has the deepest interest 
 in a sound currency and who suffers most by mischievous legis- 
 lation in money matters, is the man who earns his daily bread 
 by his daily toil.' These words are as pertinent now as the day 
 they were uttered, and ought to impressively remind us that a 
 failure of the discharge of our duties at this time must espec- 
 ially injure those of our countrymen who labor, and who, 
 because of their number and condition, are entitled to the most 
 watchful care of their government.' 
 
 These words ended, all the fleas feeling sure that such 
 beautiful words called for an Amen anyhow, said "Amen," 
 and then the Taffy Ladlers, led by Grover Ponderous Flea, 
 Taffyist-in-Chief, passed reverently before King Honest Labor, 
 and crying, "Oh, King, live forever," poured each a spoonful 
 down his throat, and poor Honest Labor, astonished at the 
 unfamiliar tickling of something to swallow, eagerly opened 
 his mouth its widest and hungriest. 
 
 It was noticed that the Taffy Ladlers, as they passed by and 
 fed the King, shuddered with a disgust they tried laboriously to 
 conceal. ' Some muttered to each other, "Confound this job ; but 
 it has to be done." One said, "I don't like his smell." 
 "Neither do I, but we must pretend we do," replied another. 
 Rosy Pretty Flower turned to his fellow satellite and asked : 
 "Brother, why do we have to worship and taffy this dirty, lousy 
 dog?" "Well, brother," replied Pennzy Pattyson, "it is not 
 given common mortals to solve the heavenly mysteries ; all we 
 know is, that the Bamboozling Committee, in their inscruta- 
 ble wisdom, have decreed that we must. For my own private 
 part, I'd rather shoot him." "So would I," briskly rejoined 
 Rosy Pretty Flower, "but " 
 
192 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 His words were drowned, for the Taffy Ladlers, having fin- 
 ished their function, the whole multitude of the fleas broke out 
 in a grand Ascription that rent the heavens with loudness, as 
 prostrating themselves, they sang : 
 
 "All hail ! Oh, Honest Labor, hail ! 
 
 At thy dear feet we fall ; 
 We praise, we laud, we magnify, 
 
 And crown thee Lord of all," 
 
 And the noise of the Ascription was heard afar off ; insomuch 
 that Andronicus Carnivorous, who, thinking he scented danger, 
 had sidled off and was by this time some miles away, stopped 
 and inquired what the noise might be, and whether it signified 
 the outbreak of trouble. To which one made answer that there 
 was a great Apotheosis on, and all the fleas were deifying Hon- 
 est Labor, a well known but terribly scrawny and hungry dog 
 that was almighty popular with the fleas on Bamboozle Day. 
 
THE DOCS AND THE ELEaS. 193 
 
 "God forgive me!" cried Audronicus, peuitenvly, "that I 
 should be derelict iu duty on this auspicious occasion. Why, 
 Honest Labor is my dearest love, to whom I owe my wealth, 
 my life, my all. Oh, I would not be absent from his coronation 
 for all the world. ' ' And he hopped back as hard as he could hop. 
 
 And Mak Tinley, seeing him returned, said unto him : 
 "Whence comest thou, Andronicus? We had chosen thee to 
 officiate as Grand High Priest, to place the crown on Honest 
 Labor's head, but thou wert missing when wanted, and we 
 were forced to give the job to brother Ponderous Flea, who, I 
 must say, has acquitted himself in the sacred office most bril- 
 liantly, and as well as the best Damboozler of us all could have 
 done." 
 
 "Alack and alas ! Brother Mak Tinley," replied Andronicus, 
 thou knowest that I am a somewhat timid flea ; and I thought, 
 when brother Pharaoh Phrique was speaking that there was 
 going to be trouble ; so I sidled off. I see now that my fears 
 were unfounded. I am awfully sorry to have missed this coro- 
 nation, but I'll try to be on hand at the next crowning and 
 taffying." 
 
 And when the multitude of the dogs saw the multitude of the 
 fleas fall prostrate to Honest Labor, and heard the shout of the 
 great Ascription, they were astounded and delighted ; and they 
 said to one another that surely the fleas were their dearest 
 friends ; that surely they could have no wealth comparable to a 
 Country and a Flag, and that surely in a land where Statistics 
 and great Averages abounded on all sides, and where great 
 crops of them could be reaped at any time, and where Honest 
 Labor was held in such reverence as to be crowned King, it was 
 sinful, it was positively wicked— to imagine for a moment that 
 they were hungry, that Hunger was a Delusion and Unpatriot- 
 ism, that every truly loyal Canisvillian was bound in duty to 
 the Flag to deny the existence of and repudiate. 
 
 And their delirious joy did make them deaf to the rumblings 
 of their empty bellies. 
 
1&4 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 And all the multitude of the fleas arose, aud, led by the Bam- 
 boozling Committee, formed aud marched iu Solemn Proces- 
 sion around and around King Honest Labor — whose head by 
 this time was grown so big that it threatened to burst its crown. 
 
 Oh, they were a goodly crowd of infinitely varied hues and 
 colors, aud antagonistic opinions of each other, all blended to- 
 gether that day in one grand harmony of purpose and feeling. 
 Low Pressurists, Medium Pressurists, High Pressurists, Nigh- 
 untos, Faraways,. Petty Squabblers, Grand Squabblers, Emi- 
 nent Fleas, Wealthy Fleas, Monstrous Fleas, all were Dog 
 Worshippers then, and the most humble and obedient servants 
 and subjects of His Grievously Hungry but Supernal Majesty, 
 King Honest Labor ; and as they marched past h'.m each swung 
 a censer of thickly fuming and heavily perfumed Flattery under 
 his royal uose ; and as they marched and swung, they sang : 
 
 "In politics alwaj's 
 
 At loggerheads we ; 
 But we're all of us one, 
 
 In our worship of thee, 
 
 Honest Labor." 
 
 And they shouted "God save the King ! " and all the dogs to 
 the waving of the pretty cloths and a crash of the wind, bang 
 and thump instruments, cried "Amen." And they swung the 
 censers, and cried "Long Live the King!" and all the dogs 
 answ-ered "Amen," and they prostrated themselves and cried, 
 "All hail the King ; " and all the dogs cried, "All hail ! " 
 
 And right in the midst of the grand insanity the heavens were 
 again darkened ; the weird green and yellow lights flashed 
 again ; the heavenly breeze lifted up the proud and noble Flag, 
 and flapped it with a great flapping ; the fleas prostrated them- 
 selves again, and the dogs followed suit. The Bamboozling 
 Committee, with Grover Ponderous Flea and his satellites, 
 gathered around the throne and the Flag in a sacred circle, and 
 the Reverend Salaried Barker Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite 
 stepped forth, and turning to the dogs with outstretched paw, 
 lifted up a voice of solemnity and cried: 
 
THE DOGS AND THE ELEAS. 195 
 
 • 
 
 ' ' Hear ye, O dogs, O hear ye. Thus saith Heaven : This is 
 the Flag of the Free, and this is the throne of King Honest 
 Labor, our National Pride and Glory, the only real, genuine, 
 and original Flag and throne ; designed in Heaven and set up 
 in the only spot on earth worth living in — Canisville — where 
 God hath concentrated his blessings ; the Flag, at the terror of 
 whose shake slavery, ill-government, corruption, injustice, ine- 
 quality run shrieking and terrified to hell ; under whose blessed 
 protection, virtue, honesty and industry always come to honor 
 and wealth ; and vice, idleness and dishonesty to want, shame 
 and everlasting contempt [Solemn snickering and winking 
 amongst the Bamboozling Committee ; and the Holy One a 
 Maker of long prayers, is heard to gently murmur, "True, all 
 true ; bless the Lord ! "] a Flag under which all fleas are pros- 
 perous and all dogs are contented, and all things go on in 
 divinely appointed order. 
 
 " Now therefore, seeing we have the grandest Country on 
 earth, the grandest Throne, the grandest King, and the grand- 
 est Flag floating over us all, let us take these grand dispensa- 
 tions as Heaven's bow of promise that God will evermore bless 
 us and keep us. Where these are, no evil can touch us ; no 
 hunger, no poverty can ever come. 
 
 "Therefore, in the name of Heaven, whose secrets I am on 
 familiar terms with, and to whom particularly God has revealed 
 his will, I say poverty, hunger, want, begone ! and to fullness, 
 plenty and content, come and abide ! Begone panic ! begone 
 lack of confidence ! begone crisis ! Let there be a conspiracy of 
 cheerful sermons and words and talk. Let all dogs stop sing- 
 ing 'Windham' and sing 'Coronation.' Let them positively re- 
 fuse to admit the existence of hunger amongst them. Conspire 
 together to believe yourselves round and plump and fat and full. 
 It is all a matter of confidence and faith ; for the Blessed Book 
 on the costly cushion, which it hath been given to me alone of 
 Heaven to interpret, saith : "All things are possible unto 
 them that believe ! " Therefore have faith, and be ye full, con- 
 
196 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 tented and happy ; aud know ye that this is the grandest 
 country in the world, and this the grandest moment of the 
 grandest hour of the grandest year of the grandest century the 
 world ever saw." 
 
 Then the Blatherskite, lifting his eyes and paws to heaven, 
 invoked upon them all an abundance of corn and wine and oil 
 and bones and meat, aud on top of them Heaven's choicest 
 spiritual blessings ; all the Bamboozlers said "Amen," the sun 
 came out in dazzling splendor ; the Flag fluttered once more ; the 
 pretty cloths were waved ; the wind, bang and thump instruments 
 made a final hubbub, and the great Bamboozle came to an end, 
 and the delighted and happy dogs, with a final cheer, dispersed. 
 
 Then the Bamboozlers laughed and winked to each other, and 
 hauled down the Flag of the Free and packed it away until 
 wanted again. 
 
 But when they went to pull down the throne, they noticed 
 that poor King Honest Labor was fallen over to one side, and 
 when they went to tear his crown and robe off, they lifted him 
 up, and with surprise noticed that he was stone dead and cold. 
 
 And one ran and fetched one of the curious creatures called 
 "Emdees," who looked the poor dog over, and gave it as his 
 opinion that deceased had come by his decease by reason of 
 heart failure, superinduced by the great excitement of the great 
 Function, to which his constitution, etcetera, was inadequate, 
 owing to chronic Vacuity of the Alimentary Canal, which was, 
 no doubt, according to a previous statement of the deceased, an 
 hereditary complaint, for which no one but deceased's parents 
 were to blame ; aud it was his opinion that parents ought not to 
 have such complaints. 
 
 And some of the Bamboozlers said it was unfortunate that he 
 should have died just then, as the pesky thinking dogs might 
 hear of it, and do something to wreck the Bamboozle. But 
 others confidently asserted that all dogs were fools anyhow, aud 
 that if they did get to hear that Honest Labor had died of star- 
 vation, they would forget all about it by next Bamboozle Day. 
 
CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 Shows There's Nothing Like 
 Patriotism to Humbug, Starve 
 AND vSwiNDLE THE Masses with; 
 AND Nothing Like Statistics 
 to Lie with. — The Great Gee 
 Whizz Appears, Seeking Some 
 One to Sell its Services to. 
 -The Bamboozlers Hire It. 
 
 T WAS many days before the force 
 of the Great Bamboozle spent 
 itself. Though the scramble 
 and scratching for bones was 
 even fiercer than ever ; and 
 though the infernal grind at 
 the Handle of the Blood Mill 
 grew daily more hellish, and 
 the cruel greed of the bloated 
 Monstrous Fleas grew daily 
 more adamantine and piti- 
 less ; though robbery, murder, death by starvation and suicide 
 grew daily more common, the dogs had been so thoroughly 
 hypnotized that they perversely sought everywhere for a cause 
 for all these things save in the right place. 
 
 They had graduated so well in the course of patriotism they 
 had recently been put through that in their midnight meetings 
 together, to bark and talk over their distressful condition, they 
 
 197 
 
198 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 put up a fac-simile of the great Flag of Cauisville aud ordered 
 that every meeting be opened by genuflexion to the Flag of 
 Freedom and Prosperity, and closed by prostration to the Flag 
 of Liberty and Plethoric Stomach ; and further ordered that all 
 speeches, arguments and discussions should proceed upon cer- 
 tain indubitable and undiscussible premises called Sacred 
 Truths. They were : 
 
 (1.) This is a Free Country. 
 
 (2.) Our Flag is the Flag of Liberty. 
 
 (3.) All Good is indigenous to Cauisville. 
 
 (4.) All Evil comes from Abroad. 
 
 And they ordained that all doubt of these Sacred Truths was 
 mortal sin that could never be atoned for, neither in this world 
 nor in that which is to come ; aud that any dog who in any 
 speech, argument or discussion should step off these premises, 
 and by assertion, hint or insinuation, or even careless con- 
 struction of his sentences, should convey or cause to be con- 
 veyed, the understanding or impression, in any degree, however 
 faint, that this country was not or might not be a Free Country; 
 that this Flag was not or might not be the Flag of Liberty; that 
 all Good was not or might not be indigenous ; and that all Evil 
 did not or possibly might not come from Abroad, should be iu- 
 stanth' killed or fearfully mutilated. And they furthermore 
 proclaimed that they desired it to be known to all the world 
 that the dogs and fleas of Cauisville and thefr Common Flag 
 were so unutterably sacred and superior to the rest of the world 
 that any insult or ridicule to either would be regarded as a 
 casjis belli. 
 
 But in time the gnawings of their never ending hunger began 
 to perplex them sorely. How it was that God had, according to 
 the words of his prophets Grandadhat, Mak Tinley, Dephool 
 Flea, De Little Wit Blatherskite and the rest, given them the 
 greater blessing of a Country and a Flag, and had withholden 
 from them the lesser one of Victuals, bothered them very much. 
 Of course they were ready at a moment's notice, when called on, 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 199 
 
 to die for their Country and Flag wheu either was in danger, 
 but why they were dying every day without any notice, without 
 being called on, and when neither Country nor Flag was in 
 danger, caused them to scratch their heads. And as for that 
 Average of one thousand mouthfuls of good Victuals per dog 
 that Mak Tinley's Statistics incontrovertibly gave them, they 
 couldn't make it out at all ; for to make the Average out they 
 had to make the Victuals in, and that they could not do for the 
 life of them. 
 
 This was how they would discuss the question. One hungry 
 dog would meet another on the street and thus would they say : 
 
 First Dog. "Good morning, brother." 
 
 Second Dog. " It is not a good moriaing." 
 
 First Dog. "Whyfore, brother? Art thou not in health?" 
 
 Second Dog. " No dog in Canisville is in health. Art thou ? " 
 
 First Dog. " Verily, no. I'm hungry." 
 
 Second Dog. "That's strange. So am I ; and yet, the great 
 prophet Mak Tinley, on Bamboozle Day, showed us incontro- 
 vertibly that Statistics give every dog of us an Average of one 
 thousand mouthfuls of Good Victuals." 
 
 First Dog. " He did, and we all know that he is the most 
 truthful of the Only Original Truth Speakers ; and yet I speak 
 the truth, too, when I state that jny Average is about one mouth- 
 ful per every thousand days." 
 
 Second Dog. "That's about wj' Average, too. I have ex- 
 amined mj'self ; I have felt of my stomach, and I cannot find 
 those one thousand mouthfuls of mine. Lord, I wish I could, 
 I do indeed." 
 
 First Dig. " Well, brother, it may be there is some fault or 
 sin in us that prevents the Blessed Statistics from giving us the 
 blessing. It may be that there is some wicked way within us ; 
 some secret sin that hinders the entrance of the Average into 
 our stomachs. As tlie blessed Blatherskite saith : 'These things 
 are received by Faith, not by Sight.' " 
 
200 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 Second Dog. "That's so, brother ; it is certainly not by Sighf 
 in our case. I do beUeve we have not Faith enough." 
 
 And so Ihey would part, one praying to God to give him a 
 larger Faith, and the other praying Him to never mind the 
 Faith but to give him a larger Average. 
 
 So the demon, Doubt, again began to creep abroad in Canis- 
 ville. 
 
 Therefore the Bamboozling Committee, carefully noting the 
 perplexed headshakings and the other sure signs of another 
 outbreak of the thinking contagion, did wisely take other pre- 
 cautions to forestall it. 
 
 And there was a day when they and some of the Monstrous 
 Fleas were devising further bamboozlements for the dogs, and 
 a Phenomenon came also among them. 
 
 And the Committee said unto the Phenomenon : " Who art 
 thou, and whence comest thou? " 
 
 Then answered the Phenomenon, and said : " I am the Great 
 Many Headed Daily Press with the Immense Circulation ; I am 
 four hundred square miles of nastiness ; and I come fiom going 
 to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it." 
 
 And the Committee said : "And what doest thovi here, Great 
 Daily Press? " 
 
 And the Great Many Headed answered, and said : "I am the 
 Great Gee Whizz, having a Larger Circulation than all the other 
 Gee Whizzes combined. I am the bold, fearless, outspoken and 
 independent champion of truth, honesty, uprightness and good 
 government, and the terror of evil doers ; and I am going about 
 just now seeking an owner whom I may serve." 
 
 "What are thy terms? " asked the Bamboozling Committee, 
 seeing here a possibly great aid in the Cause. 
 
 "My terms are one only," replied the Phenomenon, "and are 
 that my master shall be the highest bidder for my services." 
 
 "And what wilt thou do for us if we hire thee ? " asked the 
 Committee. 
 
thk dogs and the fleas. 201 
 
 "Absolutely what ye ask me to do ; for he that hireth me is 
 my god until a higher bidder appeareth, when I instantly trans- 
 fer my allegiance." 
 
 "What we desire done now," said the Bamboozlers, "is the 
 invention of handy bamboozlements to fill up the time between 
 one Bamboozle Day and another." 
 
 "Good ! " exclaimed the Great Gee Whizz. " Bid high and 
 I am yours, and ye shall never regret your bargain." 
 
 So the Bamboozling Committee asked the Monstrous Fleas 
 present to put up great wealth and buy him for their service, 
 which service, they reminded the Monstrous Fleas, was the 
 Public Service. 
 
 And the Monstrous Fleas there and then bid enormously high 
 for him, and bought him ; and the Phenomenon did there and 
 then contract himself, body and soul, unto the Bamboozling 
 Committee and their backers, the Monstrous Fleas, to execute 
 their will in all things until a higher bidder for his services 
 should appear. 
 
 And they said : " O, thou Great Gee Whizz, wherewith wilt 
 thou persuade the dogs and bamboozle them, for they be 
 many ? " 
 
 And the Phenomenon said : " Said I not unto you that I am 
 the Great and Everlasting Gee Whizz, and have a Greater Circu- 
 lation than all the other Gee Whizzes combined? Do I not 
 employ a mighty army of invisible Circulators to go and be 
 everywhere amongst the dogs ? Behold ! I will be a lying spirit 
 in the mouths of all these my prophets, and they shall per- 
 suade the foolish dogs that they have found a Savior and a 
 Deliverer in me. 
 
 " I will be their Champion. I will be everywhere about them, 
 above and below, and will cluck-cluck with a most anxious 
 solicitude over them, even as a hen cluck-clucketh over her 
 chickens, or as Satan over them that are sealed unto him. I 
 will be a Holy Shekinah unto them — a pillar of dust and cloud 
 by day, and a pillar of fire by night ; and they shall march and 
 
202 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 halt obediently as I give them the sign. I will weep aud ululate 
 with them iu their miseries aud hunger, and none shall come 
 within leagues of me in my denunciations of the cruel and un- 
 just fleas that suck their blood. I will rage against you and 
 enrage them, and then with sound of gong and big drum, and 
 a raising of flags, I will give to eat unto the hungriest of them, 
 and they shall know that I am the Great Many Headed Gee 
 Whizz aud Champion of the poor and the oppressed. Thus 
 shall I be a god unto them, going before them, and they shall 
 swear by me, and meekly follow whithersoever I go ; and I ivill 
 go your way every time. 
 
 " I will daily and eveningly point out to them that their woes 
 are due not to fleas, but only to bad fleas ; and every morning 
 and evening I will announce that I, the Great Gee Whizz, having 
 a Greater Circulation than all the other Gee Whizzes combined, 
 have a brand-new great scheme on hand, that shall infallibly 
 deliver them from all their woes ; and every day I will astound 
 them with a great new disclosure of some gigantic and over- 
 shadowing wickedness of the bad fleas, which I alone, the great 
 Gee Whizz, have exclusively discovered ; and I will keep them 
 forever believing that they are just on the very point of having 
 all their wrongs righted, and that by my engineering and the 
 might of iny power, a great avalanche of Good Victuals is 
 about to fall upon them. Thus will I be their Champion and 
 serve you. 
 
 "All the news of the day that is of no importance, and is not 
 thought-provoking, I will give to them, clothed in the garb of 
 Strict Truth ; but all and any news that it may not be expedient 
 unto you to give them, I will suppress or so garble it that its 
 power to injure you shall be nullified ; for you and I will own 
 and guard all the avenues of information, and we will make 
 them all converge to and pass through a sifter and a filter that I 
 will devise, so that these fool dogs shall get nothing but nice, 
 pure, wholesome, well-selected stuff. 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 203 
 
 "Morover, my Batuboozle shall every day give them whole- 
 some amusement. From the tropically fertile dunghills of my 
 Circulators' prostituted brains, I will gather and scatter amongst 
 them every morning and evening, whole bouquets of the rank 
 est literary toadstools, skunk cabbage and stinkweeds, which 
 they will take, on the strength of their faith in me as the Great 
 Gee Whizz, for the choicest of flowers. Thus will I pervert their 
 noses and they shall utterly lose all discernment. Oh, I will 
 pour trashy, sickly, foolish, unclean and horrific blood-and- 
 thunder stories into their disordered brains until sober truth 
 shall be insipid unto them, and they shall come to hate every- 
 thing but that which raises their hair with horror and gives 
 them the shivers and creeps and blood curdles. Thus will I 
 soften their brains and imbecilitate their minds, so that they 
 shall be as putty to your moulding." 
 
 "Enough, enough," cried Mountebank Dephool Flea. 
 " Thou art my sort to a dot. If thou canst do only half what 
 thou proposest, thou wilt be worth to us thy weight in gold." 
 "Aye, aye," cried all the rest of the Bamboozling Committee, 
 and the Monstrous Fleas, in chorus, "thou art indeed a Flea 
 Savior, sent of God in the nick of time to deliver us ; perform 
 but a tenth of these thy promises to us, and we will make thee 
 as fat and wealthy as the most monstrous of us." 
 
 " Aha ! " laughed the Phenomenon, "ye know not the great- 
 ness and extent of my power. Ye have devised bamboozlements, 
 which in the simplicity of your hearts, ye think are very fine ; 
 but they are transient and evanescent, and of themselves will 
 surely fail ; for they lack the essential conditions of successful 
 bamboozlement, namely, semi-daily continuance. Bamboozle- 
 ments, to be enduring, must be applied daily ; and therein do I 
 prove my inestimable value to you, for I am the Great Many 
 Headed Semi-Daily Press, the Everlasting Three-Hundred-and- 
 Sixty-five-Days-a-Year Gee Whizz, and the Immense Circulator. 
 " But I will do more than the things I have already prom- 
 ised. I will amuse them with foolish nonsense. I will every 
 
301 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 day give them something to guess. I will offer a basketful of 
 rich grub to the dog that cometh nearest to solving a problem ; 
 like this, for instance : A dog, originally fifty pounds weight, 
 that has had but one mouthful of meat per day for six months, 
 and nothing at all for the last three days, is chucked into the 
 hopper with an initial velocity often feet per second, and at an 
 angle of forty-five degrees ; how many somersaults will he 
 describe before he is lost to sight, how much will he weigh, and 
 how many hairs will there be on his body ? Or I will offer to 
 give a prize unto the lady flea, that in the opinion of the dogs, 
 is the most beautiful and popular. Or I will get up a standing- 
 on-one-leg-the-longest contest, with a nice meaty bone to 
 reward the victor. Or I will offer a reward to the dog that 
 shall come nearest to guessing which of all my contemporary 
 Gee Whizzes is the biggest liar. All these diversions will 
 keep them ever on the qui vive, to get prizes ; and when every 
 hungrj' dog sees there is a chance for a good big bone for a 
 mere guess, he will never have time or incliuation to think on 
 the General Misery Question. 
 
 "But finally, I will teach them that their great and solemn 
 duty is to be law abiding and that violence is wrong. Ye shall 
 make all the laws ; and I will teach them to be law abiding. Ye 
 shall enact that all dogs are to be bitten and bled at the will 
 and pleasure of the fleas, and I will teach them that to be law 
 af^/V/Zw^ is the highest duty of dogs; }-e shall enact that no dog 
 has rights which any flea is bound to respect ; and I will teach 
 the dogs that only by obeying the law can they obtain their 
 rights. Ye may trample all laws in the mire, for ye have the 
 police dogs to enforce your right of trampling ; and I will teach 
 them that no dog can hope to retain the love of God and the 
 sympathy of the Great Public, if he goes to trampling on the 
 law. Ye shall enact that it is illegal for dogs to eat, and I will 
 teach them to be /rt?f «(?>/(://« <f. Ye shall enact that hunger in 
 dogs is illegal, that an}' dog who shall either legally or illegally 
 ask for or try to obtain food or drink, or any other of his uat- 
 
THK DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 205 
 
 ural rights, shall be deemed guilty of a crime ; and I will teach 
 them that it is the first duty of dogs to be law abiding, as were 
 the Fathers and Prophets of our country ; and to obey the law, 
 as all fleas and good citizens do. 
 
 " Thus will I keep all these dogs befooled, and fuddled and 
 muddled, so that nothing short of the direst and most unfor- 
 seen accident will enable them to see the joke. 
 
 "And if any dog, by reason of these hard lines, shall growl 
 and make a fuss, and go to illegally taking any of his natural 
 rights, or in any other way make himself obnoxious to you, 
 and ye grow weary and want him killed, all ye need do is to 
 express your desire and it shall be done. I will promptly set 
 my innumerable Circulators to prophesy falsely against him, 
 to sneer him down, to ridicule him down, to write him down, 
 and make Public Opinion ripe for the police dogs to grab him, 
 and throttle him and extinguish him ; for I, the Great I Am, am 
 an Accuser, Judge and Jury, at your service." 
 
 And all the Committee and all the Monstrous Fleas rejoiced 
 and were glad, and said unto the Phenomenon : "Go forth 
 and do as thou hast said ; be a lying and bamboozling spirit 
 unto all these dogs and Heaven bless thee." 
 
CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 The Great Daily Press Fulfills All its Promises — 
 Universal Idiocy. — More Liberty and a Bigger Flag. 
 — Liberty Takes the Form of a Statue. — Police 
 
 Exemplification of Liberty. — A New 
 
 Song. 
 
 j O the Many Headed went forth and was a lying 
 spirit, morning and evening, in the mouths of all 
 its prophets. And it wrought well the will of the 
 Bamboozlers and the Monstrous Fleas, in deceiving 
 and fooling the dogs ; for under its subtle ministra- 
 tions as an Angel of Light, the dogs rapidly grew 
 limp and idiotic in body and mind, and lost all 
 power of discernment between right and wrong, and good and 
 evil, and all taste for everything but idiotic pastimes, and silly, 
 trashy and horrible stories, which it daily poured into their 
 ears. Yea, so thoroughly were their minds debauched, ener- 
 vated and enfeebled that when the few — the very few — surviv- 
 ing dogs of thought and sense, came unto them and begged 
 them to give a thought or two now and then to their poor, 
 miserable and lost condition, and the way to remedy it, the 
 dogs said such talk was a great weariness, and forthwith rolled 
 over and went to sleep. 
 
 And it was so that the Great Gee Whizz went up rapidly in 
 the favor of the Monstrous Fleas, who, in gratitude to it as their 
 Savior, gave it large quantities of blood to drink, so that it 
 grew as big and bloated as any one of the most monstrous of 
 them, and was given the place of honor in their assemblies 
 
 206 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 207 
 
 when they and the Bamboozlers held special praise meetings to 
 laugh and wink at each other. 
 
 And the Bamboozlers instructed the Great Gee Whizz to keep 
 up the novelty of its dog befoolments, and be sure and never 
 present the same trick twice over. 
 
 And the Great Gee Whizz was grieved because the Bam- 
 boozlers seemed to think it needed any suggestion to this end ; 
 and it suggested back to the Bamboozlers, that in fertility of 
 resources in bamboozlements, it could give points to them. 
 Therefore, the Bamboozlers did shut up, and did no more oflFer 
 suggestions to the Great Gee Whizz, the Prince of Prestidigi- 
 tateurs. Equilibrists and Acrobats. 
 
 For there was one trick it did present every day ; a trick 
 which in its mature judgment was all the more utterly bam- 
 boozling and confounding to the dogs, by its eternal sameness 
 of repetition. It was this : 
 
 Every morning the Many Headed appeared on high, in full 
 sight of the dogs and held a Solemn High Punch and Judy 
 Show. Concealing its body from sight behind a draping which 
 was figured with the Flag of the Free, it caused a few of the 
 Bamboozlers, whom it had previously instructed, to pull certain 
 strings attached to the necks of its various heads, when all the 
 said heads went to hissing and spitting at and punching each 
 other, and calling each other the vilest names. Each and every 
 head called each and every other a liar, a coward, and a traitor 
 to the ever-blessed and beloved dogs, and a paid tool and toady 
 of the bad fleas. Each one yelled that it alone was the Only 
 Original Truth Speaker, and had an Immensely Greater Circu- 
 lation than all the others combined. 
 
 Oh, it was a goodly show, and fooled the dogs mightily, and 
 divided them up into sects and parties, and kept them eternally 
 busy cursing each other, and swearing, each, by the particular 
 head which each decided was the Genuine Friend and Champion 
 of the dogs. And not one of the poor fools could see that all of 
 the heads belonged to the same body. 
 
208 
 
f HE DOGS AND THE ElEAS. 209 
 
 So what with their much work and little food, and the daily 
 bamboozlements of the Many Headed, and the brain-softening 
 exercises of the Special Bamboozle Days, the dogs became a 
 gaunt mob of skinny, drivelling idiots, of flea-covered bodies 
 and eclipsed minds. So that when the noise of the bang and 
 thump instruments, and the marching dogs, and the waving of 
 the pretty cloths called them to the next Bamboozle day, they 
 came with tottering steps, and lolling tongues, and wheezing 
 breath, and protruding eyes. They did not run — they could 
 not. They came from a sense of c^ity to the Flag of the Free, 
 which the Bamboozlers had made of immense size ; for they 
 said a great and growing country could only be fittingly typified 
 by a great and growing Flag, and as Freedom and Prosperity 
 had increased under the fostering care of Heaven, until they 
 had filled the whole earth about Cauisville, it was meet and 
 merely grateful to God that the Flag fill the whole heavens too. 
 It was verily a heavens filling Flag, and it was raised on the tall- 
 est and stoutest pole that could be procured from all the country 
 roundabout ; for to-day was to be one of the maddest and glad- 
 dest days of all the mad and glad days. 
 
 For L/ibert}' in Canisville had grown so large and universal, 
 and the fame thereof had so gone over the pond, that a lot of 
 Monstrous Fleas over there, had got a lot of idiotic dogs there 
 to make them a great, hollow, copper idol of the form of a gro- 
 tesque looking female of human kind, which the said Mon- 
 strous Fleas said was a Statue of Liberty, which they, in the 
 name (they said), and with the compliments, of the free and 
 hungry dogs of that land, had sent over to the Monstrous Fleas 
 of Canisville, to be received in the name of the free and hungry 
 dogs of Canisville, and set up at the gates of Canisville, as a 
 great visible sign that there was one great Free Country in the 
 world unto which the oppressed, hungry and flea-bitten dogs of 
 all nations might run and be saved. 
 
 And it was a glorious time. The Greatest Gee Whizz of All 
 bad, with a great cyclone of noise and wind, got thousands of 
 
2l6 The dogs and the fleas. 
 
 poor, hungry, fool dogs to pinch their bellies to raise wealth 
 enough to buj- a pedestal to put the great hollow copper 
 idol on. 
 
 The wind and thump instruments made a mighty noise ; the 
 pretty cloths fluttered gaily ; and the poor dogs, thrilled into 
 enthusiasm by the sights and sounds, wagged their tails and 
 cheered as much as their shortness of wind and contracted 
 stomachs allowed. Then, at the sound of trumpet and booming 
 of guns, the copper idol was borne along in a grand procession 
 of fat, eminent, wealthy and,^onstrous Fleas, and guarded by a 
 large body of police dogs. 
 
 Now, the police dogs, it was noticed, had grown quite corpu- 
 lent and greasy and consequential since the first Bamboozle 
 Day, and presented quite a contrast to the rest of the dogs, for 
 the fleas had found out that eternal good feeding is the price of 
 police loyalty. True, they were only dogs, and were veritable 
 slaves in the presence of Pup McPoodle, and the wealthy and 
 Monstrous Fleas, who told them to distinctly understand that 
 they were Public Servants, their servants, and not the servants 
 of the dogs at all, as the Public meant fleas only, and they were 
 not to give them any of their bark, on pain of being relegated 
 to the ranks of the dogs that had to scratch for a living ; but as 
 they were rotund of belly, and sleek and large, and in all other 
 respects quite diff'erent from the common mob of dogs, they 
 regarded themselves as of a diff'erent caste, and their sleekness, 
 rotundit}', and well-to-do-ism as superior-holiness marks differ- 
 entiating them from the other dogs ; and although Ihey knew 
 that the victuals which fed them were all forcibly taken from 
 the meagre supplies which the other dogs scratched up, they 
 ignored the fact, and held their noses up as high and conse- 
 quentially as ever they could, and mortalh- hated any other dog 
 to touch them. 
 
 And the Jubilation was great ; the great Flag of Liberty was 
 floating its proudest ; songs to Liberty were floating to Heaven ; 
 her Statue was being led gloriously along, rearing aloft her head 
 
215 tan DOGS and the i'i.eas. 
 
 to Heaven iu magnificent symbolism of the majesty and freedom 
 of the nation of dogs, over whom she was now erected to be 
 Goddess, -when a slight accidental crowding amongst the dogs, 
 caused some of the dirty and ill-smelling ones to be crowded so 
 close to the police dogs as actually to touch them. 
 
 Now, here was a dreadful occurrence. According to the holy 
 religion of the police dogs, to be even looked at by an ordinary 
 w'orking, grub-hunting dog, is defilement that requires forty 
 days of sequestration and purification, with much fasting and 
 prayer ; but to be touched by one — actually touched — involves 
 the total and irreparable loss of Paradise bej'ond the grave. 
 
 Oh, here then, was a wholesale touching of these sacred ani- 
 mals, by an unsanctified and unw-ashen mob of beastly and 
 measly working dogs of the lowest caste. Horror ! Peste ! 
 Blood !! Thunder, Lightning and Death !!! For one paralyzing 
 instant they stood petrified with horror and terror ; and then 
 the full realization that they had by this horrible defilement 
 suddenly forfeited all hope of Heaven and eternal bliss, rushed 
 over their brains, and, like demons, they fell on those dirty 
 dogs, and began to club the life out of them. The unfortunates, 
 shrieking and howling, fled with all the speed their diminished 
 breath and vitality were capable of, with the police dogs in hot 
 pursuit, laying about them right and left in self defence. 
 
 Having thus, in some slight degree, purged away their defile- 
 ment, and left on the scalps of those dirty dogs, many bloody 
 gashes, as souvenirs of Glorious Liberty, the police dogs, pant- 
 ing from their victory, returned to their places ; and the songs, 
 the procession and the worship of Liberty were resumed ; the 
 Goddess was stood up on her pedestal ; the Bamboozlers ranted 
 and raved about Freedom their rantingest and ravingest, the 
 Great Many Headed Daily Press flitted hither and thither and 
 everywhere, boosting up the hungry dogs to the proper pitch 
 of Patriotic Pride ; the Heavens opened, and Freedom as an 
 Eagle, with specially wiped bill and claws, came down and 
 perched on the Goddess' uplifted arm ; the assembled fltas 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 213 
 
 gave a great shout, and, led by Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, 
 Dephool Flea, Grandadhat, and the rest of the Bamboozlers, 
 gathered around the Flag, and sang : 
 
 "Now pray we for our Country, 
 
 That Cauisville long may be 
 The Holy and the Happy, 
 
 And the gloriously Free. 
 Who blesseth Her is blessed ; 
 
 So peace be in her walls, 
 And joy in all her palaces. 
 
 Her kennels, hovels and halls. 
 
 "Now pray we that the Bamboozlers, 
 * Our rulers long maj' be, 
 
 And Canisville, dear old Canisville, 
 
 Still be famed for Liberty. 
 In Freedom and Religion, 
 
 May she be foremost seen, 
 And the Goddess at our Country's gates 
 For aye and ever be our queen." 
 
CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 LiBfiRTY, Lots of It. — But Victuals are Unfortunately 
 IN Inverse Proportion. — Mutual Congratulation of 
 THE Fleas on the Very Satisfactory State of Things. 
 A Point Overlooked ; Which Proves that the Best 
 Laid Schemes of Mice and Fleas Gang Aft Aglee. — 
 Illegal Hunger. — Almighty Tommy. 
 
 I HE Liberty Goddess conse- 
 crating was a perfect suc- 
 cess ; the dogs were de- 
 lighted and happy, and 
 as they staggered back, 
 hungry and weary, to the 
 holes and hiding places 
 they called their homes, 
 a sweet peace and content 
 was upon them. Why 
 they were content and 
 peaceful they did not 
 know and could not tell ; 
 but in a dazed and hypnotic way, they felt that though the fleas 
 upon them and round about them were eating them up ; 
 though their poor bones were protruding through their skins, 
 and disease, and anaemia were becoming universal, they had an 
 intangible property they called a Free Country, a Glorious 
 Flag, and a wonderful Statue that in some mysterious way 
 made them a Great Nation. 
 
 214 
 
 — -_^ -ir^' 
 
The dogs and the fleas. 215 
 
 And the Bamboozling Committee were delighted even unto 
 delirium, and they reported unto the Board of Public Safety 
 that God had prospered their efforts beyond their most san- 
 guine expectations, and that the dogs were, with perhaps a few 
 exceptions — whom they hoped the police would diligently 
 make note of, with a view to their early, total and complete ex- 
 tirpation and extinction— now reduced to a very satisfactory 
 state of drivelling idiocy, and law abiding patriotism, and that 
 they could be led by the nose whithersoever the Board might 
 desire ; that the latest acquisition to their Committee — the Great 
 Many Headed Daily Press, could not be too highly spoken of 
 for its wonderful efficiency ; in fact it had— though the latest — 
 proved itself the greatest acquisition to their bamboozling 
 forces ; that in fact it was more than a whole Bamboozling 
 Committee in itself, and could devise more and slicker dog 
 bamboozlements in five minutes than the whole Committee 
 could in five months ; that its terms were very simple, being 
 only that they it served should be the highest bidders, which of 
 course meant that the dogs could never be "in it" at bidding 
 with the fleas, and therefore it would be at the bidding 
 of the fleas forever and forever. Amen. And finally 
 they wished to accord the Crown and the Palm to the Great 
 Many Headed Daily Press. 
 
 And the Board reported to the Government and the Mons- 
 trous Fleas that the Country was saved, bless the Lord ; that 
 the Period of Trouble was all safely past, thank God ; that all 
 dangerous combinations of White Labellers were broken up 
 beyond all hope of future revival, Heaven be praised ; that all 
 contagious thinking and speaking dogs were known to the 
 police and were marked for slaughter, with God's help ; that 
 the right relationship between the dogs and the fleas had been 
 properly defined and established, and that under Providence 
 all danger of the natural, God-ordained right of fleas to live on 
 dogs being again brought into question was passed awav, 
 praise God ; and that peace, patriotism, good order, submission 
 
216 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 to authority, and ever-growing blood dividends, were now 
 established on a firm and ever enduring basis, Hallelujah. 
 
 All which was quite true. But there was one thing that 
 neither the Great Many Headed Daily Press nor the Bamboozl- 
 ing Committee, nor the Government, nor the Monstrous Fleas 
 could devise ; that no power on earth ever was able to devise ; 
 that no power on earth ever will be able to devise ; and that is, 
 how dogs can be starved forever and yet be made to yield the 
 same amount of blood to the sucking of fleas. No power ever did 
 it, but every power believes it can be done, and that it can do it. 
 Therefore the Canisville fleas imagined they had made all ar- 
 rangements to do it, and so settled themselves down in com- 
 fort and peace to the everlasting bliss of drinking themselves 
 eternally fuller and tighter ; every little flea seeing good pros- 
 pects of becoming a big flea, and every big flea looking hope- 
 fully forward to becoming a Monstrous Flea, and every Mon- 
 strous Flea looking savagely gleefully forward to the glorious 
 time when his paunch should measure miles and miles around, 
 and he should be simply an immense reservoir of blood, blood, 
 BLOOD, BLOOD. 
 
 But alas ! The greed of the fleas in cornering the food of the 
 dogs to reduce them to servilit}', along with their increased 
 avidity for their blood, overreached itself, and dogs everywhere 
 began to die ; and as the dearth increased, the surviving ones 
 went insane and more savageU- than ever fought and killed 
 one another for the odd scraps that were now to be found. And 
 the dying off" of so many dogs threw vast multitudes of fleas out 
 of dog, and they began to starve too ; and when they began to 
 starve they went, for want of dog, to fighting and devouring 
 one another ; all which mightily pleased the Monstrous Fleas, 
 which did own the Blood and Bones Grinderj- and the Govern- 
 ment, .'J.nd pretty nearly everything else by this time ; and 
 they chuckled and said, "Now shall the pesky little and mid- 
 dle sized fleas be starved out, and there will be all the more 
 blood for us, and we shall possess the earth and dwell alone in 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 217 
 
 it, and grow aud grow aud grow until none shall be so big as 
 we, for we are surely the children of Heaven, and the favorites 
 of the Most High ; yes we are." 
 
 And the famine increased in Canisville, and the dogs were 
 sore distressed and cried aloud to Heaven for help. But the 
 heavens were as brass and heard not ; so, turning from that 
 quarter, they turned to the Government and to the fleas, and 
 got together great multitudes of the most hungry of their num- 
 ber and made unto themselves a large Flag of the Free, and 
 several Flags of the Hungry, and marched in procession, bear- 
 ing these on high, and also large legends such as "We want 
 bread," "We want work," "We are hungry," "Merciful fleas, 
 do something for us," "We are bloodless; oh fleas, give us 
 blood." 
 
 And the noise of their marching was disturbing to the peace 
 and repose of the Monstrous Fleas, and they ordered Pup 
 McPoodle to order the police dogs to order it stopped ; and 
 the chief of the police dogs, being very fat and sleek and 
 plethoric of blood himself, aud being utterly unable to under- 
 stand what hunger meant, spake austerely unto them, and said: 
 "By the almighty power in me vested, as Public Functionary 
 of the Great Public (the fleas), this thing has got to stop right 
 here. What the Satan you've got to march for, 1 ken not. 
 What the Satan you mean by being hungry, I cannot for the 
 life of me comprehend. I don't know what the word 'Hunger' 
 means, but I believe it's an illegal word and contrary to the 
 Constitution. [Voice in the crowd, "It is contrary to our con- 
 stitutions, too."] I have been told that it means Anarchy, 
 which I don't quite comprehend, but which, I know, is illegal ; 
 consequently disperse, get out, vamose, and go away, aud 
 don't ever let me hear of this illegal business of getting hungry 
 again, or by my holy williamstick I will make things red hot 
 for you. I, the Almighty Tommy, have spoken." 
 
 So the poor skinny dogs, withered by the red hot glance of 
 the Almighty Tommy's eye, and scorched by his burning 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 219 
 
 words, and moreover having been thus so plainly caug"iit,7?cZ- 
 granle delicto, in the illegal state of being hungry and express- 
 ing the fact in words, did haul down their legends and their 
 Flags of the Hungry, and lifting up the Flag of the Free as 
 high as possible, in token of enhanced reverence for the Law 
 and the Constitution, marched back and dispersed to their sev- 
 eral holes and dens, where hundreds of them meekly lay down 
 and legally and constitutionally died of starvation, but where 
 they were not discovered until their poor festering corpses had 
 raised an illegal and unconstitutional stench. 
 
CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 Ding Dong Liberty Beix. — Lib- 
 erty BeIvLS Cheaper than Lib- 
 erty. 
 
 
 JA^ IGHT in the midst of all this uni- 
 versal starvation aud death, when 
 every scrap of liberty had been 
 taken from the dogs, and not 
 one dare open his mouth to say his soul or body was his own, 
 the Board of Public Safety suggested to the Bamboozling Com- 
 mittee that now would be the most appropriate time, in the 
 eternal fitness of things, to get up an extra special bamboozle- 
 ment that should forever fix aud clinch in the miuds of the 
 dogs the idiotic delusion that they were free. 
 
 So the ever-ready Bamboozling Committee ran together and 
 summoned to their sitting all the glib-tongued fat fleas and sal- 
 aried barkers they could find ; and President Chancy Mounte- 
 bank Dephool Flea arose and said, "Dear Friends : The state 
 of our town and country is very satisfactory just now. Never 
 in its whole history was there such a beautiful blending and 
 harmony of the interests of dogs aud fleas as now. Our uj^per 
 
 220 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 221 
 
 class fleas are doing marvellously well. Thauks to God, divi- 
 dends are large and frequent, owing to the fact that very many 
 of the middle-class fleas, who alienated altogether too much 
 blood that rightfully belonged to us, have died off. The dogs 
 everywhere have been reduced to know their place, thanks to 
 the efforts of our brethren. Carnivorous and Phrique — to whom 
 our all-wise God gave the strength of his arm in the hour of 
 their sore need — and of our friends. Rosy Pretty Flower, 
 Pennzy Pattyson, Webbfoot, Gold Jay, and our faithful, paunch- 
 bellied police dogs. And the efforts of these our brethren, 
 have been most ably seconded by the preachments and 'Thus- 
 saith-the-Lords' of our dearly beloved brother Tee de Little Wit 
 Blatherskite and his fellow fat-salaried barkers, and, above all, 
 by the subtle finesse of our most dearly beloved faithful servant 
 the Great Many Headed Daily Press. Yes, brethren, we are 
 indeed highly favored of God in having three such invaluable 
 aids to the subjugation of the dogs as the police, the Church 
 and the Great Daily Press — ®ne to persuade them physically, 
 and the others to blind them with spiritual dust, blandishments, 
 seductions and lies." 
 
 Here the Reverend Blatherskite and the Great Many Headed 
 Daily Press both closed their eyes, and piously murmured, "To 
 God be all the glory ; we are unprofitable servants ; we have 
 only done that which it was our duty to do." 
 
 "Yes, brethren," continued Dephool Flea, "peace and plenty 
 everywhere abound. Everywhere Liberty has been established 
 on foundations that shall nevermore be shaken ; and I think, 
 as we owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to God for these mani- 
 fold mercies, we could not show it better than by getting up to 
 his glory a grand old final something or other in honor of Lib- 
 erty, Freedom, Deliverance and all that — a regular sneezer, 
 you know, a tip-top, ne plus ultra sort of bamboozle that shall 
 beat all creation." 
 
 Up jumped then the Great Many Headed Daily Press and 
 said : " I have it. What these dogs need now, above all things, 
 
S23 *HE DOGS AND THE ELEAS. 
 
 is more stuff about Liberty. Ye cannot work this theme too 
 much. It is the liberty stealer's and the tyrant's best guise, 
 you know " 
 
 "I object," interrupted a fat flea, excitedly, "to the use of 
 the terms 'liberty stealer' and 'tyrant' as applied to us." 
 
 "Order, order ;" commanded President Dephool Flea. "Of 
 course we all know well enough what we are after, but I sug- 
 gest to our beloved servant, the Great Many Headed, that, all 
 things considered, it would be better not to call ourselves by 
 our right names even here in our privacy. It will subserve our 
 great cause better to try to believe, ourselves, the bamboozling 
 lies we tell the poor fool dogs. To bamboozle ourselves a little 
 enables us to appear more sincere and serious to them. There- 
 fore the Great Daily Press will please not tell the truth even 
 here." 
 
 "I beg leave to withdraw the offensive truth, then," said the 
 Great Gee Whizz. "As I was saying, that Statue business was 
 a grand stroke of dog bamboozlement, over which ye fleas 
 ought to laugh to your dying day. Then keep it up. Give 
 these dogs plenty of Liberty talk. Liberty sentiment, and Lib- 
 erty fakes to celebrate and shout over, and ye can bind them 
 with as many slavish bonds as ye may choose to put upon 
 them. Set them to make the heavens ring with Liberty's 
 acclaim, and while they are busy with that, ye can filch all 
 their rights away. Do ye hear me ? " 
 
 And all the Bamboozlers answered, "Aye, we hear." 
 
 "Very good then," said the Many Headed, "dogs have one 
 great weakness, and that weakness is their silly love of noise 
 and show. All history shows, and all our experience proves, 
 that nothing fetches dogs so quick as noise, racket, din and 
 gaudy show. Low, coarse, undiscerning simpletons, they are 
 all animal sensibility, and have not yet developed the ability to 
 pick truth from error, reality from show, and fraud out of its 
 fine garments of honesty ; gumps and boobies, they are pleased 
 with a rattle and tickled with a straw. 
 
the; docs and the fleas. 323 
 
 ''Work then, therefore, along the line of their strongest weak- 
 ness. Give them noise to make, and plenty of it ; something to 
 make an idiotic din with ; something to make them happy and 
 shout. Let us make them a Bell, a big Bell, an enormous Bell ; 
 and we will call it a Liberty Bell. And so bewitched and sup- 
 erstitionized are they now with everything that is called Liberty 
 that without more ado they will fall down and worship it. 
 Then we will set them all to hammer on it, and the noise of the 
 hammering thereof will please the poor idiots immensely ; and 
 then with our solemnest visages, we will call the noise the 
 Proclamation of Liberty ; at which bewitching words they will 
 all fall down and worship again. So shall their befoolment, 
 imbecilitation and enslavement be clinched and confirmed for 
 ever, and ye fleas shall reign supreme, and suck their blood for 
 ever and ever, Amen." 
 
 "Bravo! Bravo!" cried all the fleas in chorus. "Good! 
 Grand ! give 'em a Bell, poor imbeciles ; anything to please 
 'em ; noise is cheap, and Liberty metal costs less than Liberty 
 itself." 
 
 And the suggestion of the Great Many Headed Gee Whizz 
 seemed good unto the Committee, and they made him Minister 
 Plenipotentiary in the matter. And he went and sent his Cir- 
 culators abroad amongst the dogs, to tell them that a grand 
 new pleasure had been devised for them ; that their prosperity, 
 their glory, their independence, their National Wealth, their 
 unexampled LIBERTY, were all agoing to be celebrated with a 
 Bell, a big Bell, a nonpareil Bell, that should weigh thirteen 
 thousand pounds, and, with gorgeous ceremonies, should be 
 baptized a LIBERTY BELL, to the honor of God and the 
 glory of themselves ; and the show would be worth going many 
 miles to see ; and every Tom, Dick, Harry and Jack was agoing 
 to hammer on it, in honor of everything and everybody, at 
 every hour of day and night ; and the noise of it would be beau- 
 u-u-tiful, and it would be so loud, and there would be such a 
 lot of it that the heavens would be just full of it ; that all the 
 
224 THE DOCS AND 'niic FMCAS. 
 
 angels would knock off their regular business and make a great 
 holiday to listen to it ; and we should all prostrate ourselves 
 and tell God what a wise thing he did when he passed by all 
 the other dogs in the world and picked US out to be the recip- 
 ients of such wealth and glory and Liberty as he had deluged 
 us with. 
 
 And the dogs were delighted with the prospect of so much 
 glory, and paid great attention to do as they were told. 
 
 Then in due time, the Great Daily Press announced that the 
 Bamboozling Committee had appointed themselves, in the 
 name of the dogs, to devise a Bell and to superintend all the 
 ceremonies. 
 
 Then they proclaimed abroad that as all, both dogs afid fleas, 
 were the recipients of Heaven's blessings of wealth and Free- 
 dom, and as this Bell was to be an emblematic Bell, all, both 
 dogs and fleas, must contribute something towards the making 
 of it ; so that when its voice should be hammered out, it should 
 be the voice of a//. Therefore every one must bring a bit of 
 metal of some sort and cast it into the fire. 
 
 And on a day appointed, the fleas and the dogs were gath- 
 ered around the melting pot ; and the fleas, being very wealthy, 
 sent in, with much ostentation, gold and silver, and nickel, 
 which they called Liberty Metal, and which with prayer was 
 cast into the fire ; and the dogs, being very poor, went about 
 and scratched up old bits of junk tin, and iron and brass, and 
 brought them, and with prayer cast them into the fire ; then all 
 the salaried barkers said grace over the melting mass ; and the 
 ever-ready Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, explained that the 
 emblematic meaning of this unifying fusion of all these hetero- 
 geneous elements, was that we all, though fleas and dogs, poor 
 and rich, small and great, white and black, weak and strong, 
 were really only one, having all interests in common, and that 
 as in this grand composite Bell, the glory of each component 
 part was merged in the glory of the whole, so the glory of each 
 in this nation — poor and rich, top and bottom — was merged in 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 S25 
 
 the glory of the whole of us ; in short, the E Pluribus Unum of 
 the Bell typified the E Pluribus Unum of us. 
 
 And all the podgy and paunch-bellied fleas, at this lucky dis- 
 covery of the beautiful hidden meaning of the fusing mass, set 
 up a great asthmatic shout of praise, which contagious example 
 caused the dogs to give out delirious howls of joy, too. For 
 although it would have puzzled the smartest of them to discover 
 
 the real actualities of the glorious things thus typified, they 
 could see that the typification in the pot was all real and made 
 a very fine show. 
 
 Then a herald came forth and proclaimed aloud that the pot- 
 ful was cooked enough, and was about to be solemnly poured 
 out — the grandest libation to Liberty the world had ever seen — 
 and that the Committee of Arrangements had decreed that as 
 
226 Yhe dogs and the fleas. 
 
 an appropriate ceremony, accompanying, all the dogs stand on 
 their heads and kick their hind legs in the air, to signify Free- 
 dom and defiance to all the world. 
 
 And at a signal the great ladleful was tipped over, and the 
 w'hite hot stream ran into a great mould ; the fleas shouted "Te 
 Deum," and fell down in as flat adoration as their rotund car- 
 cases allowed, the salaried barkers shed from their closed eyes 
 great salt drops of ecstasy ; the dogs stood on their heads and 
 flourished their hind legs, and the Great Many Headed Gee 
 Whizz stepped forth and announced that Libert}', glorious, 
 heaven-born Liberty, had put on her metallic petticoat. 
 
 Now, some of the dogs who were so weak that they could 
 not, and a few who were dull of comprehension and said they 
 did not see the connection between standing on their heads 
 and Liberty, objected to reverse themselves. Whereupon the 
 police dogs drew their williamsticks and belabored them there- 
 with, saying this was Liberty Day, and the beautiful show was 
 not agoing to be spoilt by a lot of pesky dogs doing as they liked. 
 They had got to stand on their heads and flourish ; them was 
 the orders, and, by Hokey, any dog that refused that day to 
 honor Liberty, Freedom and Independence, was agoing to be 
 made to ; and what did they mean by refusing to be free, 
 like everybody else ? 
 
 And when those dogs replied that a Liberty that did not 
 allow them to stand on their feet in a natural manner was ty- 
 ranny, the police dogs smote them a smite on the jaw, and told 
 them to shut up and do like the others ; and on their refusal, 
 they clubbed them out of the crowd, which hissed condemna- 
 tion of their off"ence. 
 
CHAPTER XXXVIi. 
 
 More Liberty Bell. — Liberty Earth. — Liberty Tree.^ 
 Liberty Rope.— Liberty Tinklers.— Glorious End oe 
 Liberty. 
 
 JlWM^!«^lyil 
 
 HEN the herald proclaimed 
 again that, the Creation 
 being ended, all would ad- 
 journ for a week for the 
 Bell to cool, the week to be 
 spent in blowing up their 
 patriotic fervor to the maxi- 
 mum incandescence, and fill- 
 ing their lungs for a fortis- 
 simo shout for Liberty on the 
 seventh day. 
 
 And the poor dogs did as 
 they were bid. And on the seventh day all gathered to the 
 lifting up of the Bell. And when it was lifted up, the fleas, be- 
 iug very strong and vigorous, did most of the shouting, but the 
 dogs, being very weak for lack of food, did shout very poorly. 
 Nevertheless, the Great Daily Press shut all its eyes, and pro- 
 claimed abroad that the shout for Liberty that day was the 
 Great United Shout of One Great United Nation of free, pros- 
 perous and happy dogs. 
 
 Then said the Bamboozling Committee unto the Great Daily 
 Press, "Oh, thou Great Gee "Whizz, on what sacred high place 
 shall we hang this Sacred Vibrator, that its voice may be heard 
 around the world ? " 
 
 237 
 
528 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 Aud the Great G^e Whizz answered and said, "The Eternal 
 Fitnesses require that everything that can emblematize our 
 glorious liberties be gathered around this central emblem. 
 Therefore, let Liberty Earth be gathered, and a Liberty Tree be 
 planted therein, to the baptism of Liberty Holy Water, and let 
 the fairest limb thereof be selected as a Liberty Limb, and 
 thereon hang the Liberty Bell, facing the Liberty Goddess, and 
 from the top of the tree let the sacredest emblem of all — the 
 Flag of Liberty — proudly aud defiantly float, that Liberty may 
 be complete and perfect." 
 
 And the Bamboozling Committee said the conception was 
 that of a master mind, and should be done. And they sent 
 some very learned and paunchy fleas to a place where, accord- 
 ing to tradition, several fighting dogs, eminent in the battle 
 against the Kyhidom dogs, had lain down and scratched them- 
 selves and slept the night before, and which had smelt extraor- 
 dinarily strong of patriotic dog for a long time after. There was 
 also a spot where the great leader in that fight, having got a fly 
 up his nose, had stood and sneezed tremendously ; and the spot 
 where his fore feet had stood during his convulsion had been 
 marked with remembrance sticks from that day. 
 
 These spots, they said, were, therefore. Holy Ground ; and 
 they ordered several poor dogs, that had been specially fumi- 
 gated and cleansed and consecrated for the occasion, to take 
 Consecrated Shovels, and reverently and, to the accompaniment 
 of solemn chanting by several solemn salaried barkers, dig up 
 some of that Sacred Dirt and put it reverently in Consecrated 
 Pots and Tins and carry it in solemn procession to the Sacred 
 Spot, where the Liberty Tree was to be planted. 
 
 And they solemnly dumped it there, and the Holy-Dirt- 
 touched Pots and Shovels were afterwards put away on a Conse- 
 crated Shelf in the Church of the Fleas. And it was so that in 
 after days, many came to worship the' Blessed Pots and Tins and 
 Shovels that had been touched by the Liberty Earth on which 
 the ancient dogs had lain and scratched and sneezed ; and who- 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 229 
 
 soever looked at them was made Free, and received power to 
 make others Free; and whosoever touched them was made whole 
 of any disease he had, and received power to heal anyone else. 
 Then the Bamboozling Committee sent another paunch- 
 bellied and learned lot of fleas, to where was a tree, against 
 which certain big dogs that had distinguished themselves in 
 the said battle against the Kyhidom dogs, had rubbed them- 
 
 selves vigorously when they had the itch. Here, said they, was 
 a tree whose bark had actually been rubbed by, and afforded 
 relief to, those noble dogs whose teeth and claws had torn out 
 the eyes and bowels of their enemies, and stopped the exactions 
 of the foreign fleas of Kyhidom, and had established that 
 Morions Liberty by which the interests of the native suckers 
 of Canisville had been so gloriously compacted and built up. 
 
230 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 This, then, was the Tree of Liberty, ou which the Blessed Bell 
 of Liberty should hang. 
 
 And it was so. And they made the specially fumigated, con- 
 secrated dogs transplant it into the Liberty Earth. And on the 
 day of the Solemn Hanging, The Holy Tintinnabulator was 
 escorted with shouts of joy, and to the vociferous chanting of a 
 magnificent Jubilate Deo, and set up ou the Liberty Limb of 
 the Liberty Tree. 
 
 And there was a great noise made with the blow, bang and 
 thump instruments ; and the dogs wept with a thankful joy for 
 all the wondrous liberties which these things demonstrated 
 unto them ; and the salaried barkers went amongst them and 
 gathered up their joyful tears, and poured them at the sacred 
 roots of the Sacred Tree, and said a sacred grace over the pour- 
 ing ; and the fleas gathered around and snivelled with them, 
 and made a right beautiful talk about ''Our Common Liberties," 
 " C7«r National Glory," " C>»r United Interests," " (9«r Great 
 Wealth," and <9//r everything else ; and then the great Flag of 
 the Free was run up on high, and a herald came forth and blew 
 a trumpet, and proclaimed that if any dog knew of any just 
 cause or impediment why all this gallant show and-emblemism 
 should not be considered proof irrefragable that they were the 
 fairest, fattest, and freest lot of dogs and fleas that ever God 
 Almighty's sun shone on, or ever would shine on, he should 
 now declare the same, or forever hold his peace ; but, neverthe- 
 less, if any such measly and discreditable dog dare get up and 
 deny it, he would instantly be strung up to the highest gallows 
 as a traitor. 
 
 So no one accepting the challenge, the ceremonies proceeded 
 And Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea — with a solemn wink 
 to the other Bamboozlers, who solemnly winked back to him — 
 in the name of E Pluribus Unum, and countless thousands of 
 free, united, fat, prosperous and happy dogs, pulled the mighty 
 tongue of the Bell ;_ and as the mighty tone of the hammered 
 metal rose upon the trembling air, and went up in a majestic 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 231 
 
 volume to Heaven, all the Bamboozlers and the Monstrous Fleas 
 closed their eyes and turned their noses heavenward, and wept 
 great copious tears of gratitude and joy ; all the salaried bark- 
 ers closed their eyes and turned their noses to heaven and wept 
 likewise, and all the dogs prostrated themselves and wept with 
 joy until all the earth around was wet. At which moment of 
 solemn joy a Heavenly Voice from under the Bell pealed forth : 
 
 It rings — the mighty Bell of God, 
 It thrills the heart beneath the sod, 
 And spirits of our patriot sires 
 Kindle again the sacred fires. 
 
 Hallelujah ! 
 
 It rings — and angels from the heights, 
 Salute the Flag of Canine rights ; 
 The Seraphs rush on radiant wing. 
 With all the cherubs with us to sing 
 
 Hallelujah ! 
 
 It rings— and all the stars stand still 
 Entranced, t' enjoy the rapturous thrill, 
 And swear it is, upon their word, 
 The grandest sound they ever heard. 
 
 Hallelujah ! 
 
 It rings— aud from its tongue of flame 
 It writes upon the sky a name — 
 The name of Freedom ; kneel, Oh earth ; 
 God struck the hour that gave it birlh. 
 
 Hallelujah 1 Hallelujah ! 
 
 The pealing of this hymn held all the dogs entranced, and as 
 the last beautiful note died away, they all wept, and said it was 
 lovely poetry ; too lovely for anything ; especially where the 
 life-knell of the Bell thrills the hearts of the dead dogs under 
 the sod ; and the Bell with its long and facile flaming tongue 
 writes names on the sky. 
 
 Then President Dephool Flea, after waiting a few rapturous 
 moments to let the beautiful words soak into their souls, an- 
 
232 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 nouuced that ^'our'' liberties liaviug uow been duly established, 
 and acknowledged of Heaven, the Blessed Bell was now open 
 for every one to hammer his gratitude to God on, and that each 
 would take a turn in order. 
 
 Which they did. All the fat, eminent and Monstrous Fleas 
 gathered in single file, and passed before the Bell and hammer- 
 ed it, giving one blow for himself, and thirteen times and forty- 
 four times and six times, on behalf of the all-glorious liberties, 
 wealth, prosperity and happiness of the dogs. And everybody 
 was delighted, especially the big fleas, who said it was the very 
 best amusement they had ever had in their lives ; and they 
 begged the Bamboozling Committee to keep it up, for, far 
 beyond all considerations of the amusement of it, it was the 
 buUiest piece of dust throwing ever yet devised for blinding 
 those d fool dogs. 
 
 So the Bamboozling Committee and the Great Many Headed 
 Gee Whizz, put their wits together again ; and the ever fertile 
 Daily said that, as he had foretold, the Bell racket and show 
 had pleased the dogs immensely, the Committee should go on 
 giving them emblems to look at and noise to make. "But," 
 said he, "let us give them a chance to make the noise them- 
 selves. Ye and the other fleas have had all the hauimering so 
 far ; let them do it now. I propose we get them to make an 
 emblematic Rope, a long Rope, a strong Rope, and a Rope they 
 can pull the old Bell clapper all together with. 
 
 " Set them to make a Rope that shall be emblematic of their 
 common wealth, their common caninity, their conmion Libert}', 
 their common dirt, their common itch, their common hunger — 
 their common everything. Let each one strip a few hairs off" his 
 liide and his tail, and bring them as an offering to Liberty, and 
 let all those hairy contributions be spun into a great Liberty 
 Rope. Then one end thereof shall be attached to the great 
 clapper, and as many of the dogs as can shall get hold and 
 pull ; and it shall be pull and bang, and bang and pull, and 
 pull and bang, until the poor imbeciles will go mad and crazy 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 333 
 
 with the delightful racket ; and the noise shall fill their bellies 
 — which, you know, is the cheapest kind of victuals." 
 
 " Hurrah for the Great Gee Whizz ! " cried the Bamboozlers, 
 "Liberty Noise and Liberty Ropes are cheaper than Liberty." 
 
 And, as before, The Great Daily Press, with awful solemnity, 
 publicly announced that the dogs were agoing to have more 
 emblems to celebrate their glorious liberties and privileges with. 
 
 And when the dogs heard the great emblematic Liberty Rope 
 proposition, they wagged their tails and howled deliriously for 
 joy, and went lachrymoniously drivelling to each other that 
 Canisville was indeed the place where Freedom dwelt, and 
 that no other dogs on the face of the earth had a Liberty Bell, 
 Liberty Poetry and a Liberty Rope ; no indeed. 
 
 And the dogs hasted and each stripped some hair off his tail 
 and hide, and sent it to the Bamboozling Committee, who, in 
 the privacy of their meeting place, had it spun, to the accom- 
 paniment of many a wink and many a hilarious laugh over the 
 silly idiots that were so easily — oh, so very easily — buncoed and 
 bamboozled out of Liberty, by Liberty emblems and shams. 
 
 And when the great common Rope was ready, they ordained 
 another day of howling thanksgiving, and self laudation, and 
 self glorification, and a solemn moment of attachment of the 
 end thereof to the glorious Banger of the glorious Bell, and a 
 solemn consecration and dedication of the Rope, and another 
 grand hymn, which called all the angels from their most press- 
 ing engagements to crowd Heaven's battlements, in admiration 
 of their magnificently idiotic jubilation. 
 
 And the dogs were tickled to death with their Rope, and took 
 turns of gangs at pulling it ; and the eternal banging and clang- 
 ing and jangling of the hammered metal was so delightful that 
 they forgot their hunger even ; and they danced around the 
 Bell, and kissed it, and touched it reverently with their noses, 
 and blessed God for Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. 
 
 And at the suggestion of the Great Gee Whizz, the Bambooz- 
 ling Committee made a multitude of little tinkling bells, veri- 
 
334 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 similitudes of the Great Bell, and touched each one on the Great 
 Bell, and it was so that virtue went out of the Great Bell and 
 made a true Liberty Tinkler of the little one. 
 
 And the Committee ordained that each truly patriotic dog 
 hang a Liberty Tinkler on the end of his nose, one in each of 
 his ears, and a row of them on his tail, to the end that all the 
 world and everybody else might hear the noise of Liberty, and 
 that every dog, at every movement of his body and wag of his 
 tail, might be a living, eternal Proclamation of Liberty through- 
 out the land. 
 
 And it was so. And the dogs were delighted and hung little 
 Liberty Tinklers upon themselves as ordered ; and all Canis- 
 ville rang with Libert3^ 
 
 But in a short time the fat fleas, and the eminent fleas, and 
 the Monstrous Fleas, seeing that the Blessed Bell and the Lib- 
 erty ceremonies had quite served their purpose, and the poor 
 fool dogs had been hypnotized into a very satisfactory state of 
 forgetfulness of their wrongs and miseries, told the Bambooz- 
 ling Committee that they might now with safety conclude the 
 amusement and close up the show, as it was somewhat expen- 
 sive. 
 
 So the Bamboozling Committee, ordering one grand final 
 hammering, that made the startled angels jump, and a grand 
 final yell for Liberty, which made the air tremble for a week 
 after, and a benediction in chorus by all the salaried barkers, 
 that sounded like the last tapering-off" roll of distant thunder, 
 declared the greatest and grandest show of the ages closed. 
 
CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
 
 The Times Out of Joint. — The Powce Dogs Growl and 
 Threaten Revolt. — The Salaried Barkers Awake 
 
 AND GET UP A "REVIVAL." — GREAT CONFERENCE OF ALL 
 
 THE Great Lights of Pietydom. — A Long Pull and a 
 Strong Pull, and a Pull Altogether, for the Salva- 
 tion of the Dogs, Resolved on. 
 
 HE bamboozl-e of the Bell of Liberty 
 had been a grand success while it 
 lasted. As a dream, a stimulating 
 mental narcotism, a beautiful per- 
 iod of sweet oblivion, into which 
 the hard and cruel facts of the 
 dogs' daily lives had been thrown 
 and temporarily buried, it was very 
 restful and enjoyable to them. 
 But starvation, disease and univer- 
 sal tyranny, though buried, were 
 not decreed out of being ; and 
 scarcely had the last tones of sweet 
 Liberty's Bell died out and the 
 show closed, ere those horrid real- 
 ities began to creep and sneak from their graves and smite the 
 yet dazed and dreaming dogs. With skeleton hands they smote 
 them on the head and in the stomach, and with mercilessly 
 cruel fingers poked open their hypnotized eyes, and with fiend- 
 ish laughter mocked them, and bade them look and see that in 
 spite of Liberty Shows of every sort, the times were somehow 
 put of joint. Times were indeed bad. Gaunt Famine, gaunter 
 
 335 
 
236 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 than ever, stalked through the land, smiting down her victims 
 more pitilessly than ever, as though in jealous revenge for the 
 attentions they had lately lavished on her rival, Liberty. Of 
 course the dogs did the starving — most of it ; but as the dogs 
 were the source of the fleas' existence, why, even many oitheni 
 fell sick of hunger and dwindled away and died. Even the 
 police dogs, for whom Pup McPoodle and all the Monstrous 
 Fleas made extra special strenuous efforts to keep in good flesh, 
 seeing that their zeal for Order depended entirely on that, did 
 suffer somewhat from the stringency. They did not always get 
 their basketfuls punctually, and were several times delayed in 
 their dining, and they began to grumble and complain that if 
 this kind of outrage on their sacred carcases were not soon 
 stopped, they would get up a riot on their own hook and club 
 somebody, for they had never been used to being hungry, and 
 by the great Holy Locust, they were not going to be, either, 
 without knowing the reason why. 
 
 Irreligion, Vice, Crime and Immorality stalked abroad, and 
 gave the multitudinous compulsory-virtue societies a tremen- 
 dous rush of business, insomuch that they had to work over- 
 time. But an evil of far more portentousness and gravity than 
 all these combined ensued : the salaried barkers in the churches 
 had their basketfuls diminished ; their churches were some- 
 times empty and were never full. 
 
 Therefore, as the salaried barkers had, through long experi- 
 ence, come to observe that a famine was nearly always accom- 
 panied by what they called a "great outpouring of the spirit," 
 and the setting in of a great "revival," and as a "revival" meant 
 fuller churches, and consequently a revival of the supplies of 
 meat, they determined to hump themselves with great energy, 
 and bring about the revival that, according to the famine, was 
 now about due. So they called a conference of all the fat fleas, 
 the eminent fleas, and the most pious of the Monstrous Fleas, 
 and the barking dogs, not only of Canisville, but of the country 
 roundabout, to devise newer and better schemes for what they 
 
THfi DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 237 
 
 called " reacliing the masses," — or " them asses " as oue totally- 
 depraved dog profanely remarked. 
 
 And it v.'as a great time. For weeks all the lady fleas, and 
 all other fleas who were in "sympathy" with the dogs, and 
 had their " welfare " at heart, were busy every day in getting a 
 place ready for the reception of the conference. It was fitted 
 up "regardless of expense," and decorated especially with 
 costly flowers, and mottoed banners, and choice texts of " Holy 
 Scripture," exquisitely wrought in gold and silver, on expen- 
 sive silks. The air was heavy with perfumes of the rarest 
 sorts ; the walls were resplendent with mirrors and pictures, 
 loaned by the wealthiest suckers ; and everything that could be 
 done zaas done to minister to the "solemnity " of the occasion, 
 and to the comfort of the most eminent and fat-salaried bark- 
 ers—the D. D.'s, L.I/. D.'s, B. A.'s M. A.'s, Reverends, Very 
 Reverends, Much Reverends, Right Reverends, Wrong Rever- 
 ends, Right Reverend Fathers in God, His Grace, His Emi- 
 nence, His Sacredness, His Holiness, who had been invited 
 from far and near, to assist Heaven in bringing about the 
 "revival." And a great and shining galaxy of fat and Mon- 
 strous Fleas, with "Professor," "Honorable," "Right Honora- 
 ble," "His Nibs," "His Nobs," "His Jags," "His Jiblets," "His 
 Joblots," to their names were there also. Oh, they were a highly 
 select and respectable and well-conditioned body of fleas and 
 barkers that met together that day to devise the ways and means 
 of making poor dogs happy. 
 
 Now it was remarked that to this great conference of the 
 pious fleas and their salaried barkers to devise the salvation of 
 dogs f!o( a solitary poor working dog was invited, and no one 
 even called to ask the opinion of any dog on the subject ; but 
 all the eminent and pious fleas there proceeded to make 
 speeches, which were duly taken down and recorded in the 
 book of the chronicles of the world's eminent saints, who have 
 spent their lives trying to lift up the poor, while riding on their 
 backs. 
 
238 THE DOGS AND 'rHE El^KAS. 
 
 And Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, who bad had a good 
 breakfast and was more than usually full of diviue zeal, said 
 they were grieved beyond expression to find that, in spite of tlie 
 efforts that had been expended for the benefit of poor dogs, 
 their poverty, discontent and irreligion were on the increase. 
 But not this alone ; for lately it had come to their knowledge 
 that far more alarming symptoms had broken out. In several 
 quarters, it was rumored, there had appeared several strange 
 dogs of uncouth visage and long hair, who had evidently de- 
 termined to poison the minds of the whole community of dogs. 
 
 These abominable new comers — who they hoped for the honor 
 of Canisville were from some foreign country— had spoken evil 
 of religion, saying it was only a crafty dodge of the fleas to 
 deceive dogs with and to hide from them the fact that the only 
 thing that was amiss with dogs was FLEAS. And these same 
 foreign dogs had even gone so far as to call fleas SUCKERS 
 and other wicked epithets, and to tell the dogs that until they 
 got rid of the fleas they would never get rid of their miseries. 
 Now, brethren, here a real peril menaced them; here, brethren, 
 were the hateful devils of Singletaxism, Anarchism, Com- 
 nmnism, Socialism, Populism, Nationalism, and many other 
 blasphemous anti-flea isms, shoving their noses in our midst, 
 and God only knew what the end of it was to be. Here were 
 certain lewd dogs of the baser sort^dle, good-for-nothing 
 agitators, no doubt, who lived on their more simple, honest and 
 law abiding fellow-dogs — going about preaching the pestilent 
 doctrines of social discontent, and free thought, and equal 
 rights, and setting class against class — yes, brethren, setting 
 class against class; only think of it ! — and was nothing to be 
 done? Were they to sit there supinely looking on while those 
 vile foreign agitators were undermining the very foundations of 
 Religion and Social Order? Why, it might actually come to 
 pass, if some energetic measures were not immediately under- 
 taken, that the whole race of dogs would grow to hate the race 
 of fleas, and even try to exterminate them as they once did in 
 
THE UOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 23d 
 
 Frankolaud, which would result iu putting back the cause of 
 Religion a hundred years, as it had done there. Oh, brethren, 
 it was time to be up and doing. Oh, brethren, scepticism and 
 infidelity were taking hold of dogs nowadays. Oh, brethren, 
 could we not revive the laws against blasphemy, and the use of 
 the Blue Thunderbolts with which to protect *the Almighty? 
 Had we no jails and gallows to protect us and keep these dogs in 
 the paths of true religion ? Oh, brethren, only a few days ago, as 
 
 one of our most fat and pious pew holders was on his way to 
 church, he was insulted by some dogs who, no doubt, had im- 
 bibed the pestilent heresies now being preached. They barked 
 out at him : "There goes a sucker. That's the son-of-a-gun what 
 keeps us thin and poor;" and made other insolent and un- 
 graramatical remarks, and one vile fellow slyly threw a gob of 
 mud that hit him on the paunch. Oh, brethren, it needed 
 great grace and entire sanctification for our brother to bear it. 
 And no doubt, brethren, something was urgently needed to 
 reach the masses. 
 
240 The dogs and the fi.eas. 
 
 Then the conference adjourned for recess and luncheon, 
 which consisted of every sort of costly viands, served on costly 
 plate; of rare and costly fruits, and wines of exquisite "bouquet," 
 all set out amid a display of the very rarest exotics, that cost 
 exceeding much wealth, and to the accompaniment of an or- 
 chestra of very talented minstrels. 
 
 This over, and "thanks" having been rendered by His Grace, 
 the Serene and Excessively Distinguished Archiepiscopus of 
 the Diocese of Puliciania, who had travelled a thousand miles 
 "to be present on this auspicious occasion," the session was re- 
 opened with prayer by the Veriest Reverend Father in God, 
 Sanguineous F. Plumpdog. 
 
 Now, His Grace, the Serene and Excessively Distinguished 
 Archiepiscopus of rhe Diocese of Puliciania, was a ver}' large, 
 fat and wheezy dog who could hardly see out of his eyes for 
 fatness. He had lived amongst, and ministered to a churchful 
 of big fat fleas so long that he had come to regard himself as 
 one of them, and always said "we" and "us" and "our." So 
 did all the rest of these wonderfully sleek and plump barkt rs ; 
 and so acceptable were these barkers to their various congrega- 
 tions of fat and Monstrous Fleas and so uniformly did they 
 never preach any other than an "acceptable" gospel to them, 
 that the fleas were pleased to regard them as of their caste. 
 
 The first speaker was the Most Reverend, Asthmatic and Holy 
 Archdeacon, Suckerius P. Paunchiana Fatdog, F. L. U. N. K. 
 E.Y., H U. M. B. U. G., who made a few remarks thus : "Ladies 
 and Gentlefleas — It seems to me that we, to whom has been 
 committed, by the wisdom of Almighty God, the keeping of 
 great wealth, ought first to guard against thedanger of forgetting 
 that we owe something to the poor dogs whom God, in His 
 wisdom has put in a position beneath us. We ought never to 
 forget that it is to us that God looks, as his chosen instruments, 
 for the uplifting of the dogs. Why there are dogs and why 
 there are fleas is one of those inscrutable mysteries that we ought 
 not to pry into, but reverently accept. For my part, I reverently 
 
TH^ DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 241 
 
 accept it, and I pray that I may ever be kept reverent. Certain 
 it is, however, that if ever the dogs are to be made fat and 
 happy, and uplifted to those things of the soul and Heaven, we 
 fleas will have to do it. God always works through means, and we 
 are (he means. He has ordained the wealthy to minister to the 
 poor, the strong to bear with the weak, the wise to lead the fool- 
 ish, the enlightened to illumine the dark ; we are the wealthy, the 
 strong, the wise, and the enlightened, and woe to us if we shirk 
 the duty thus laid upon us. Brethren, the one thing we are 
 most apt to forget is THE Spirit of Christ. He came down 
 from his high estate to uplift the fallen, and it is this going 
 Aovfn, going down, going down, brethren, to those below us, 
 that is going to save them. 
 
 " Let us then carry out this Spirit, and go dozvn to these poor 
 creatures. Let us walk amongst them ; let us show ourselves 
 to them ; let us put on poor raiment and ask them how they do ; 
 let us teach them scientific economy in eating ; let us with our 
 own paws show them how one bone can be made to yield a 
 good dinner for a large family and leave something over for the 
 morrow ; let us teach them how to accept in a proper spirit the 
 cast-off garments of the "charitable," and to seek to be clothed 
 with the " garments of righteousness " ; let us invite them to 
 confide to us their trials and troubles ; let us take a genuine in- 
 terest in them, and get into their affections, and teach them toil, 
 and thrift, and temperance, and so, by easy and natural methods 
 — such as wrapping up pennies and candies in tracts and leaf- 
 lets — gradually train their minds to those higher and eternal 
 things and treasures in heaven where neither moth nor rust 
 break through and steal." 
 
 And all the audience broke out into a storm of applause ; and 
 everybody said that was a most glorious gospel, the Gospel of 
 GOING DOWN. And everybody looked anxious to get up and 
 go down then and there. And an enthusiastic Monstrous Flea 
 moved, and another enthusiastic one seconded, that "We do. 
 
242 
 
 The dogs and The fleaS. 
 
 here and now, all of us, form ourselves iuto au Association to bfe 
 known as the 'Going Down Organization Society, ' " which was 
 carried with immense enthusiasm. 
 
CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 The Much Titled Archbishop Tlethoric Dog Shows the 
 InfallibIvE Way of Going Down to the Dogs and 
 Lifting them up to Church. — Music and Pictures. — 
 Not so Stomach Filling as Victuals, 
 BUT Very Discontent-Diverting. 
 
 FTER a short interval, to enable the 
 assembly to recover from the stun- 
 ning effect of the great Gospel of Going 
 Down, there stepped forward His Grace, 
 the Veriest, Mostest, Reverendest Arch- 
 bishop Plethoric Dog, L.LC.K.F.O.O.T. 
 £.s.d., $$$$$$, of the diocese of Upper 
 Suckerdom and all Flunkeydom. He 
 said : " Brethren, the called and chosen, 
 the divinely-appointed almoners of Heav- 
 en's bounty, I congratulate my most Reverend, Asthmatic and 
 Holy Brother, Archdeacon Suckerius P. Paunchiana Fatdog, 
 upon the very able manner in which he has presented before 
 you the Gospel of Going Down, and you on the happiness and 
 good fortune of listening to him. I can only support my 
 brother by pointing out how we can apply his Going Down Gos- 
 pel. It has struck me that we can make use of many means 
 which may be sanctified to their good. 
 
 " My brethren, there is the means of Music, which may be 
 used to uplift poor dogs. It is well known that even dogs have 
 a love of Music quite as strong as the most cultivated of fleas. 
 Why not give these dogs Cheap Music? Let us provide for 
 
 343 
 
244 THE DOGS AND THE; FLEAS. 
 
 them bauds of music to play iu the public places, say, oiie day 
 iu a week. Who kuovvs what the fiddle and the bow, the 
 trombone and piccolo, the cornet and oboe, the flute and violon- 
 cello, the cymbals and the banjo, the triangle and the drum, may 
 accomplish, when handled with consecrated paws, and blown 
 with sanctified breath ? Let us show these degraded dogs that 
 we love them, that we are blood of their blood, and are anxious 
 to minister to their love of the beautiful in sight and sound. 
 And, my brethren, we can make even music serve the cause of 
 the church, and the means of drawing them to the sanctuary — 
 which, of course, should be the aim and the object of all our 
 efforts. We need not discourse unto them unsanctified jigs, 
 and profane waltzes, and blasphemous schottisches, by which 
 Satan beguiles the ungodly. No, no ! There is a great mul- 
 titude of beautiful pieces of music that have an upward and 
 churchward tendency, that may be discoursed unto them, such 
 as, ' I am so happy I'm going to heaven ' ; 'I desire to be an 
 angel ' ; ' My home is not here, it is over there ' ; 'I am looking 
 above to the heaven of love ' ; ' There is a happy land, far, 
 FAR away'; and many others; and all these have a very good 
 tendency to keep the minds of dogs fixed on things above and 
 away from their sordid poverty and wicked trifling with the 
 vain nonsense of tr^-ing to make this poor sin stricken world 
 any better. 
 
 "Oh, brethren, there is nothing more entrancing, more up- 
 lifting, more heartmelting, than to hear ' Go bury thy troubles' 
 piously rendered by the cornet, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulci- 
 mer, and all kinds of music. I have seen dogs melted to tears 
 under it ; and I make no doubt that many souls will be drawn 
 to Church by it ; and above all, in the present alarming state of 
 dog-scepticism, it will have a good effect in drawing away their 
 minds from the discussion of what they wickedly call their 
 ' wrongs. ' 
 
 " Then there is the love of art that may be appealed to. 
 Dogs love to look at beautiful pictures. Why not open a 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FI,EAS. 245 
 
 picture gallery free for tliem all to come and gaze their fill ? Of 
 course, God, in his wisdom, has given us, alone, the power to 
 buy pictures, but he did not intend us to be hoggish with 
 them ; He no doubt intended that we should share these^our gifts 
 with our inferior fellow creatures. Did not our great Master 
 teach us to share our gifts with them? Yea, verily; and just 
 as He, by coming down and imparting his gifts to us, has up- 
 lifted us, and made us to sit in heavenly places, so we by the same 
 conduct can uplift those who, by natural and divine ordination, 
 are very wisely placed beneath us. Of course, we cannot hope 
 ever to abolish their poverty, and put them on to our plane ; 
 for it is evident that the Almighty, in his wisdom, made dogs 
 to be inferior, just as he made fleas to be superior. And it is 
 just as evident that he ordained dogs to support fleas, in return 
 for the inestimable benefits, both moral and spiritual, that fleas 
 confer on dogs. Ye can easily see, my brethren, that fleas are 
 absolutely necessary to the well being of dogs. Fancy a com- 
 munity of dogs without fleas ! Who would lead them ? Who 
 would watch for their souls' welfare ? Who would ameliorate 
 their condition of want and ignorance? Who would have the 
 leisure to go about amongst them, visiting them in their ken- 
 nels, soothing their sorrows, binding up their sore places, calm- 
 ing their discontent with their divinely appointed lot, and 
 pointing them to a Better Land, when they kick the bucket? 
 
 " Brethren, what I meant to say before I digressed, is, that as 
 one means of grace — a very great means of very great grace — I 
 rank sanctified pictures and sanctified song very high. Yes, 
 brethren, let us open a picture gallery, free as salvation, 
 'without money and without price,' open every day and even- 
 ing in the year, except Sundays and during Lent, and the 
 Saints' days, and solemn feasts and solemn fasts, and Thanks- 
 giving and holidays and other solemn occasions, when infinitely 
 higher matters — matters of eternal interest — than mere music 
 and pictures, should engage the attention of dogs. Bearing in 
 mind that pictures should be an aid to religion— not a substi- 
 
iii'f'H-ATiiimii'Hjiiii lit , 
 
 246 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 247 
 
 tute — let us put some of our best pictures on loan ; nice soul-up- 
 lifting, truly sanctified pictures, such as 'Little Samuel's Wak- 
 ing,' 'Daniel in the Lion's Den,' the Prodigal's Return,' etc., 
 etc. Such pictures as these fill the mind with pure and holy 
 thoughts, and when properly administered will, without inter- 
 fering with their more imperative duty of attending church, do 
 them a great amount of good. Of course I do not mean that 
 we should throw open these our precious treasures of art with- 
 out restriction, to the gaze and handling of the whole breed of 
 dogs without distinction. Oh, no, the dogs must be made to 
 recognize that these are our pictures, and that their owners 
 have rights to be protected. We must duly impress upon these 
 dogs' minds that 'It is of grace, not ofdebV that they look upon 
 them. We must impress upon them that we, the fleas, so loved 
 the world of dogs that we gave the loan of our art treasures, 
 that whosoever would might look upon them, and be a better 
 and more contented dog. Well, not exactly 'whosoever' ; it 
 stands to sense that we must exclude all dirty dogs, for some of 
 us will be there sometimes ; and we must exclude dogs with 
 sore eyes and bad breath, as we should not like any of our 
 refined lady visitors to be offended by such unwholesomen esses ; 
 and it will certainly not do to let in profane and vulgar dogs, 
 as bad manners corrupt the pious dogs. And as for those 
 dogs who have been known to express subversive sentiments — 
 sentiments inimical to fleas — that would lead to the overthrow 
 of the present divinely appointed order of things, why, they must 
 not be admitted at any price or on any pretense. All others 
 should be allowed, if properly provided with an admission 
 ticket and vouched for by two respectable members of flea 
 society. With these trifling but judicious exceptions and 
 restrictions, I think pictures may, under the divine blessing, be 
 made an incalculably blessed means to the uplifting of poor, sin- 
 ful and fallen caninity." 
 
 This big bug of a barker sat down amid thunders of applause. 
 And the President, rising, advanced to the front of the plat- 
 
248 THE DOGS AND THE KI,EAS. 
 
 form, and ■when the applause had abated, said, in a voice of 
 emotion : "Friends, Heaven does, indeed, bless us, for as I stand 
 here I see that one whom we all love and revere has just 
 entered the doorway. [ Here the whole assembly turned 
 to see who it was, and broke again into rapturous vociferation 
 on beholding enter the very Honorable and Holy One a Maker 
 • of long prayers and short wages ] We have with us our be- 
 loved John, rich, pious, patriotic, humble, holy, and altogether 
 lovely, and I shall have the exalted pleasure of asking him to 
 address us now. 
 
CHAPTER XL. 
 
 The Holy One a Maker of Long Prayers and Short 
 Wages Discourses on the Blessedness of Charity to 
 Poor Dogs, and Shows how it Incidentally Pays the 
 Blood Suckers who Dispense it. — Lady Vanderbillion 
 Flea Suggests a Charity Ball. 
 
 THE Honorable and Holy One 
 a Maker was in especially 
 good fettle to-day. To his 
 usual rotundity of paunch and 
 rubicuudity and sleekness of 
 visage, the warmth of his 
 complimentary-adjectived re- 
 ception had added a 
 glow of self-compla- 
 cency, which gave his 
 countenance the shine 
 and sheen of transfigur- 
 ation. Having dined 
 well of this earth's 
 bounties, and afterwards 
 in silent communion 
 quaffed deep quaffs of 
 the "Wine of Holiness" 
 of the oldest and rarest 
 vintage,he was overflow- 
 ingly full of beaming 
 sanctimoniousness and 
 charity, and his seventh- 
 day eye was more highly 
 249 
 
350 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 enlarged and heavenward-lifted than usual ; insomuch that all 
 the lady fleas were enraptured, and said he was an angel, and 
 too beautiful for anything, bless him. 
 
 In accents low and mellifluously cadent, he said : "Dear 
 friends : It would ill become me to attempt to emulate the 
 magnificent eloquence of the reverend barkers who have ad- 
 dressed you. Unseen of you, I have heard their addresses, and 
 I trust I may be pardoned if I try to supplement their sugges- 
 tions by the suggestion that in our magnificent efforts for the 
 spiritual bettering of the canine race, we forget not their cor- 
 poreal needs. 
 
 " Oh, my friends, I mingle with dogs more, perhaps, than 
 any of ye, and my heart is torn and bleeds for their poverty 
 and sorrow and suffering, and I would suggest that we, who 
 have the means, do something for their corporeal wants. My 
 suggestion is that we do something larger in Charity for them. 
 
 "Oh, my friends, think of the great gifts Heaven has given 
 to us, and then think of the return we owe to Heaven for the 
 profitable use of them. As I tell the poor dogs in my blood 
 suckery and in my Sunday snivelling prayery, we ought to do 
 all we do to the glory of God ; for, God, He counts all our 
 actions. 
 
 "Now, my friends, I tell you Charity is the finest investment 
 ye can go in for. It yields the largest dividends. Not only do 
 we please God by it, and so secure mansions and harps and 
 crowns above, which will come in very handy, when we can 
 make no more out of this world, but by giving much in Charity 
 to these dogs, we win their affection and their veneration, and 
 by soothing their stomachs a little, we soothe their restlessness 
 and their inclinations to sedition, and so preserve them in a 
 meek, pious and subservient frame of mind which is conducive 
 to low wages. Thus you see, my friends, a large Charity fund 
 is putting wealth where it will do the most good. ' ' 
 
 Great applause greeted this suggestion of the Honorable One 
 a Maker of long prayers and short wages, as he resumed his seat 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 251 
 
 Then there arose, with great diffidence, a very elegant lady 
 flea. She was the consort of one of the Monstrous Fleas, Lady 
 Vauderbillion Flea by name, and with much modesty spake 
 thus : 
 
 "Most honorable assembly of fleas : the suggestion of the 
 very Holy One a Maker of long prayers, touched my heart. 
 The word Charity is the most holy and tender one in all our 
 language. It is a grace peculiarly feminine, and it has been 
 reserved by God to lady fleas, as their highest prerogative, to 
 give it its proper expression, and I would modestly suggest that 
 all the lady fleas here present give shape and form to the Char- 
 ity which our dear brother has, in the fullness of his heart, rec- 
 ommended. 
 
 " I have an idea ; I believe it is an inspiration from God: 
 Why not get up a Charity Ball of the Fleas for the dogs' bene- 
 fit ? 
 
 ' ' Now, we all have one great gift ; we are all great on the 
 hop, both male and female. Then why not sanctify this gift by 
 arraying ourselves in our very best, and, putting on our bravest 
 and most gorgeous panoply of gold and silver, and our most 
 resplendent gems, to the sound of the psaltery, cornet, harp, 
 sackbut, dulcimer and all kinds of music, make a grand hop, 
 and let the proceeds thereof go for the founding of a hospital 
 for the care of broken-down dogs ? " 
 
 Here the speaker was interrupted by applause from all the 
 lady fleas, and tumultuous ejaculations of "Good, good," 
 "Splendid," "Oh, wouldn't that be just lovely ! " "Oh, oh, a 
 grand dressing and hop for Charity." 
 
 But the Honorable One a Maker arose and said it was per- 
 haps a very good suggestion ; but as dancing was to him not 
 the highest form of piety, and as he always made it a practice 
 never to keep any but the very best quality of goods in his 
 stock of piety, he would have to decline to be a contributing 
 party to the matter, but if the ladies present thought that the 
 Ball could be so managed as to be unobjectionable from a relig- 
 
252 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 ious point of view, and to advertise his name abroad to the 
 world, he would esteem it a favor. 
 
 Lady Vauderbillion Flea, resuming, said : "I am proud to 
 see my humble suggestion so well received. Oh, my dear fel- 
 low godly ones, ye know that we dearly love to hop ; we dearly 
 love to bedeck ourselves in gorgeous ornaments, and we dearly 
 love to be seen one of another in all our glory ; and I suggest 
 that all this love of legitimate display, this beautiful amusement 
 of ours, which has hitherto been only a pastime, be for the 
 future put to some holy use and profit. 
 
 "Let us bring our whole selves and our amusements as a 
 precious gift, and lay it as a sacrifice on the altar. Let us sanc- 
 tify ourselves wholly in the sight of Heaven. Let us prayer- 
 full}' and with a contrite heart put upon us our most costly and 
 resplendent raiment. Let us, with reverence and all humility, 
 and in the fear of God, fetch out our bushels of diamonds and 
 rubies and pearls and corals and sapphires and amethysts and 
 topazes and chalcedonies ; our leagues of golden chains, and 
 piles of bracelets, wristlets, anklets, tiaras and coronets, and in 
 our most gorgeous equipages, attended by our troops of lack- 
 eys, flunkeys, lickspittles and slaves, repair to some magnifi- 
 cent and brilliantly appointed hall, and there let us hop with a 
 holy hop unto the glory of God and the honor of Charity, pure 
 and hoi}', meek and lowly, chief of all the graces three. Thus, 
 my friends, shall we combine our own enjoj'ment and the bene- 
 fit of the poor dogs. And the Great Gee Whizz, the Many 
 Headed Daily Press, will be there, and will write it all down to 
 tell it all abroad for the amusement and edification of the dogs ; 
 atid next morning our left hands shall know all that our right 
 hands have done, and the whole world shall know how we 
 'Danced for Sweet Charity,' and how the ladies looked and 
 what each one wore, and all about it. 
 
 "Oh, my friends, how sweet is the contemplation of the 
 blessedness of helping God's poor, of doing good, and in our 
 humble way, helping to bring in the Kingdom of God. But, 
 
fan DOGS ANt) TaU F'LHlAS. 953 
 
 abo^e all, we shall have the blissful assurance in our hearts 
 that we are pleasing God ; for we have the word of Scripture 
 for it that they who give to the poor lend to the Lord ; and the 
 Lord is in great need of loans just now. And think what a 
 comfort it will be in our dying hour, that for one poor night's 
 sacrifice for His poor, we shall have an eternity of reward. 
 
 " Of course there will be no dogs admitted, for the admission 
 fee to see us hop will be so high that none but the rich will be 
 able to afford it ; but as the proceeds are to go to the dogs, this 
 will be a blessing rather than otherwise. And of course, too, to 
 admit a lot of unkempt, musty and ill-smelling dogs would 
 mar the harmonies of the picture ; would not consort with the 
 brilliance and beauty of our paraphernalia, and would offend 
 the delicate sensibilities of our sister saints. They would assur- 
 edly keep away the very rich and aesthetic elite, whom we wish 
 to come to see us hop. In fact, deeply and intensely as I love 
 the poor, in their proper sphere, I should not care to come my- 
 self. 
 
 " This, my friends, is my suggestion ; and I think that with 
 charity balls and picture galleries, and free music, and free gos- 
 pel, the problem of canine discontent and infidelity and pov- 
 erty will be pretty nearly solved. And I think too, that if the 
 dogs are not thankful for all this great provision that we have 
 made for their temporal and eternal welfare, they are a most 
 ungrateful set." 
 
 And Lady Vanderbillion Flea sat down amid renewed ap- 
 plause. 
 
CHAPITER XU. 
 
 A Messenger of Evii, Tidings. — The Conference 
 Alarmed. — The Old Disease Revived.— The Confer- 
 ence IN Confusion. — Mutual Recriminations. — In- 
 vaded BY Unwelcome Dogs. — The Big Dog's Fearful 
 Indictment of the Fleas. — Tells How the Dogs 
 Came to Their Senses. 
 
 t--^ ^^^11 CARCELY had the air, agitated with the acclama- 
 ~ '' tions followiug Lady Vauderbilliou Flea's happy 
 suggestion, recovered its trauquillity, when a large 
 flea was seen to enter by a side door, near the 
 ^'^^j^i^ platform, and, in evident agitation, present a little 
 ^ ^'s| note to the presiding angel of the assembly. His 
 
 Grace, the Serene and Excessively Distinguished 
 Archiepiscopus of the Diocese of Puliciania, who, as he perused, 
 was noticed to turn very pale and shake, while all the fleas 
 looked on with nervous apprehension. He had scarcely fin- 
 ished, when he beckoned to some of the most eminent, 
 wealthy and Monstrous Fleas to come with him into a corner, 
 as he had a matter of vital import to speak to them about. 
 
 Whereupon, the assembly of the fleas, always apprehensive 
 of trouble, could not contain themselves, but cried out to 
 know what was the matter. So, His Grace, the Serene, etc., 
 etc., in faltering accents made answer and said: "Alas, 
 Brethren and Sisters, this messenger hath brought us evil 
 tidings of great grief. He reports that a most virulent, in- 
 
 254 
 
•the dog^ and the fleas. 255 
 
 fectious and contagious epidemic of the thinking disease has 
 broken out amongst the dogs, infinitely worse than anything 
 heretofore known ; yea, so virulent is it that it seems to defy 
 all the remedies known to the Bamboozlers' Pharmacopceia, 
 which, with God's help, were always until now so efficient. 
 So violent and rapid is this plague, this messenger says, that 
 the victim seems to be taken utterly without warning. One 
 minute, he is, to all appearances, in the very best and most 
 satisfactory state of idiocy and drivelling devotion to Country 
 and Flag, and the next, he is in the thraes of the most dreadful 
 and dangerous sanity. He says the Board of Public Safety, the 
 Bamboozling Committee and the Great Many Headed Daily 
 Press, have been hastily summoned, but are gaping at each 
 other in dumb and helpless bemuddlement ; and all the Emdees 
 are in consultation, but are quite puzzled, for they never knew 
 or heard of such a sudden and widespread outbreak. He says 
 they say they think it is the recurrence of an old, and supposed- 
 to-have-been-extinct disease— but which evidently travels in an 
 elliptical orbit of such immense elongation, that its point of 
 intersection with the orbit of canine revolution gives the disease 
 about an every-ten-centuries periodicity of conjunction. 
 
 " He says they say it is a disease that attacks the optic nerve 
 of each eye simultaneously, and is caused by the abnormal 
 intensification and aesthetization of the anonymous gastric 
 thingumybob, at its point of junction with the visual organs, 
 and is primarily due to intense and prolonged hunger and 
 abuse. This disease is known in common language as "Eye- 
 opening," and is regarded as a very fatal malady ; not, singular 
 to say, to the dog attacked, but only to the fleas on him, as he 
 immediately begins to sever those sacred relations which God 
 has established between him and his fleas, so that they begin to 
 wither and perish for lack of nourishment." 
 
 And at these ominous words, great fear and trembling came 
 upon all the assembly, and they began to bewail, and to charge 
 that an ungrateful Providence had gone back on them, in the 
 
256 
 
 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 very hour when they had gathered to do something to help him 
 in his work of blessing the dogs ; and they grew bitter in de- 
 nouncing Pup McPoodle as an incompetent and unfaithful Ex- 
 ecutive, and the Boards of Public Health and Safety as a lot of 
 antiquated old duffers, and the Bamboozling Committee as a lot 
 of noodles, and not half as smart as they were cracked up to be, 
 and the Great Many Headed Daily Press, as a fraud and a 
 false prophet, and everybody and everything else, for betraying 
 them. 
 
 And when His Grace, the Serene, etc., etc., proposed that 
 they sing a Hymn of Faith and put their trust in Heaven, they 
 gruffly replied that Hymns of Faith were utterlj- inadequate as 
 compensation for the utter loss of dogs to bleed, and as for put- 
 ting trust in Heaven, that was all very well, provided one was 
 on the spot to look after things. And when Tee de Little Wit 
 Blatherskite arose, and, with idiotically histrionic gestures, be- 
 gan to vociferate that in vision he saw the Lord as a man of war, 
 coming with chariots of fire, lightning, thunderbolt and tem- 
 pest, to the rescue of His Anointed and the discomfiture of the 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 257 
 
 infidel aud irreligious dogs, they rudely told him he was a bag 
 of windy words, whose fine God didn't even deliver hint in his 
 hour of need ; for when he fell once, lately, into a hundred- 
 foot debt hole, his fellow dogs had to fill up seventy -seven 
 hundredihs of it, before he could scramble out. 
 
 And at the very height of this confusion, a great commotion 
 occurred amongst those near the door, aud a Big Dog, followed 
 by a whole troop of dogs, boldly entered. "What impudence ! " 
 said some of the highly perfumed and delicate lady fleas. 
 " What a disagreeable smell of dog," said others. The Charity- 
 Ball enthusiasts, at sight of the dirty mob, fainted dead away ; 
 the fattest of the salaried barkers sneaked out by the side door ; 
 while the eminent, wealthy and Monstrous Fleas, to hide their 
 terror, grew truculent and made a great hubbub and threaten- 
 ing ; but the Big Dog in a voice of thunder, bade them be silent. 
 The terror-stricken fleas fell flat, and the Big Dog 
 advancing, extended his huge paw, and thus ad- 
 dressed them : "Listen, most eminent and respec- 
 table representatives of the most eminent and 
 respectable order of pimps, barnacles and blood- 
 suckers ; I and my gang of fellow-sufferers have 
 been at the door of your convention for some time 
 
 past, and we have 
 heard all your 
 elaborate schemes 
 which you have 
 concocted for our 
 welfare. 
 
 "About the 
 time you fat, full- 
 blooded and com- 
 fortable suckers 
 called this con- 
 vention to take 
 into consideration 
 
258 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 the miserable condition of us dogs, a number of us dogs had 
 the (to you) sublime impudence to call a convention to take 
 into consideration our own condition ; and we pride ourselves 
 that we have reached a far broader and more practical con- 
 clusion than your worshipful body has come to. As you well 
 know, there has been brewing amongst us a very deep discon- 
 tent with our condition, and a very decided conviction that we 
 knew exactly what was the matter with us, and how to mend it. 
 
 "Some of us had fathers who could remember the honored 
 chieftain, Bull McMastiff, and the good times dogs had then, 
 and they told us that old Mastiff used daily to say and repeat : 
 "My dear dogs, beware of the fleas," and he prophesied that so 
 surely as they abated their hatred of fleas, they would sink into 
 poverty, meagreness and misery. 
 
 "And so it has been. When Bull McMastiff" gave up the 
 ghost, McPoodle, a bad-for-everythiug ruler, who, like most 
 other beastly pests and nuisances, has lived to a most unconscion- 
 ably great age, relaxed the stringency of our laws, and allowed 
 the missionaries of the fleas to settle amongst us, and these 
 missionaries went about amongst us preaching that McMastiff 
 was an imbecile old fool, who did not know what was good for 
 dogs ; that the fleas were a much maligned and misrepresented 
 class ; that a few fleas — a nice judicious selection — on a dog, were 
 not only no detriment, but a positive advantage to him ; that 
 they helped his general and particular health ; that they pur- 
 ified a dog's blood, and enriched it with certain valuable ele- 
 ments, which all truly healthy dogs need, and that the few 
 drops of blood they took as dividend, were a mere nothing in 
 comparison to the service they rendered, that they could assure 
 them that no dog could be said to be really and truly healthy and 
 complete without at least some fleas upon him ; yea, they went 
 so far as to declare by Heaven and Holy Scripture, that fleas 
 were divinely appointed to give life and joy and peace to dogs, 
 and that the race of dogs would die off the face of the earth, if 
 it were not for them ; and they told of very many terrible in- 
 
THE DOCS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 S59 
 
 stances where whole nations of dogs had utterly perished for 
 want of a few fleas. 
 
 "And we dogs were idiots enough to believe the pious lies 
 they told us, and we allowed you to become a part of our com- 
 munity ; and, very soon, it fell out that ye became the real, 
 actual community, and we became your feeders, your providers, 
 your most humble and obedient servants. We took you to our 
 bodies and very soon ye made them your own, and, puffed up 
 with pride, ye came to imagine that ji? only were the people, ye 
 were the republic ; ye called yourselves on all occasions, ' the 
 country,' ' the nation.' Ye made war and peace, and did every- 
 thing and ^Q)\. ^x&xy\^\xi%\>\x\. the fighting and the paying . Ye 
 got up centennials, bi, tri and quadri, 
 of this, that and the other, which we 
 poor starving dogs were bled to pay 
 for and allowed to look at from a 
 great distance. And the overgrown 
 suckers of other nations sent their 
 ' greetings ' to you ; and when they, to 
 vary the monotony of their centen- 
 nials and anniversaries of this, that 
 ^ and the other, got up a grand Jubilee 
 I'^l^ Jamboree to commemorate the fiftieth 
 year of the efforts of a fat and fuzzy 
 old lady sucker, Queen flea of Kyhi- 
 dom, and her prolific brood to bleed their do^s to death, ye sent 
 your greetings and prayers for God Almighty's blessings on 
 their efforts ; and all this pious snobbery and robbery and 
 jobbery, ye called 'drawing closer the bonds of international 
 comity.' 
 
 "But us dogs, whom ye condescendingly permit to pay for 
 all this, and allow to look at the glory of afar off, whom ye per- 
 mit to read of the forty-course banquets ye feast at in our name, 
 ye taught that we owed our very life to you, and that it was our 
 duty to give up our daily blood to you, and give thanks to 
 
260 tHB t)0(iS ANt) THE PLEAS. 
 
 Almighty God that He had ia boundless mercy so bouutifully 
 blessed us with fleas. Aud we dogs did so deeply fall into the 
 idiocy aud supineness generated by immemorial usage and 
 custom, that we came to regard this division of us into masses 
 and classes, sucked and suckers, robbed and robbers, workers 
 and idlers, starved and overfed, as of natural order aud divine 
 appointment. 
 
 " That is, most of us did. There were a few who refused to 
 wag the adulatory tail of approval of this system. We ceased 
 not to howl and bark day and night our discontent. And for 
 this ye called in dogs of Belial to witness against some of us, say- 
 ing, they did blaspheme God and the Law, and then ye carried 
 them forth and stoned them with stones, or hanged them with 
 ropes till they died. And ye threw mud at us in the name 
 of the Lord, and went and told the hungriest and leanest and 
 foolishest dogs amongst us that we were 'Socialists,' ' Sedition- 
 ists,' and 'Anarchists ; ' and they, not knowing in their heart 
 what those words meant, did therefore hound us aud mob us 
 and persecute us for endeavoring to restore to them the liberty 
 they had lost. Oh, they accused us of disturbing their rest ; 
 of trying to make them discontented ; of imperilling their 
 positions with their natural superiors, the fleas ; of trying to 
 subvert the natural order of suckers and sucked, and of trying 
 to bring on the day of judgment and the destruction of the uni- 
 verse. Poor fools ! 
 
 " But one day, two or three of the hungriest of us wandered 
 away out of town, and lay down under a tree in a solitary place 
 to think and weep out the sadness of our hearts; and as we wept 
 and meditated, behold an Angel appeared unto us and saluted 
 us. And we, shaking with terror, said, ' Who art thou?' aud 
 he said, ' I am Plain Common Sense, the rarest Angel of all 
 that visit the earth ; Heaven hath appointed me Messenger-in- 
 Particular to the hungriest of the hungry. 
 
 " ' I never visit fleas, and seldom do I come to fat and com- 
 fortable dogs. I am a lonely Angel, and I have a tremendously 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 361 
 
 long beat to patrol, which I cannot, even if I make lia^te, com- 
 plete in less than ten hundred years ; therefore, ye are very 
 lucky in being here just as I was passing. But whosoever 
 entertaineth me receiveth always a blessing.' 
 
 " So saying, he drew from a pocket in his toga, a little phial 
 containing a thin and colorless fluid, and bidding us hold up 
 our faces, he, with his finger, moistened our eyes with the fluid. 
 Instantly, our eyes were endowed with a marvellous seeing 
 power, and our brains seemed to be filled with lightning flashes. 
 ' See ye any better now ? ' said he. ' Infinitely, ' said we ; ' why, 
 we see what a lot of unspeakable idiots, and wooden-headed 
 fools we are, not to have seen what a lot of utterly useless, 
 superfluous and ruinously exhausting fleas we have been carry- 
 ing all these years.' 'Just so,' said the Angel. 'Now, take this 
 phial, and what hungry dog's eyes soever ye shall moisten with 
 the fluid, shall instantly receive power to see through a ladder.' 
 
 "We thanked him, and implored him to tarry with us and 
 abide and take something ; but he was grieved, and said he was 
 no police dog, and had several stars to visit before midnight. 
 And he vanished from our sight. 
 
 "So we took the little phial, which was labelled, 'Dilute 
 Solution of Plain Common Sense ; one drop, applied to the eyes 
 of a very hungry dog, warranted to make him see through a 
 flea,' and tried it on every hungry dog we met ; and the result 
 was, as the Angel foretold, that every one was instantly restored 
 to the most exalted sanity, and saw clear through the humbug 
 of the whole dirty useless gang of you, your Bamboozling Com- 
 mittee, your Flags, Statues, and lying Patriotism, your blas- 
 phemy of Liberty, and cant of Freedom, and everything else 
 that there is of you. 
 
 " All these dogs with me have had their eyes touched with 
 the Solution, and the epidemic, as your fool Bamboozlers and 
 Emdees call it, has run through three-fourths of Canisville, and 
 the country roundabout. 
 
262 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 "Now, therefore, we have come hither to propose a new 
 modus Vivendi, some way of living without you; but before we 
 do that we desire to express to you our gratitude for all the kind 
 things you have done and have this night proposed to do. 
 
 "We thank you for having sent us the Gospel of Earthly 
 Contentment and Future Reward. As ye were the first, efficient 
 and only cause of our discontent, the robbers of all our means 
 of growth, physical comfort and intelligence, ye owed us some- 
 thing as a set-off; but seeing that ye offered us only a verj' far 
 distant and uncertain intangibility of future recompense— //ra^ 
 ye yourselves had no power to grant — while what ye took from 
 us by FRAUD and tnetital chloroforming was something real, 
 actual and of present tangible value, we have decided not to 
 accept your promissory note that is to be redeemed some in- 
 definite time in next eternity. We believe that now is the 
 accepted time for those who toil to get their reward, and that 
 NOW is the accepted time for all idlers and suckers to starve to 
 death. We believe that it is blasphemy to neglect the earth 
 that IS for a heaven that may BE. 
 
 "We believe that God is the God of JUSTICE and that he has 
 punished us for doing otirselves the injustice of being robbed, 
 and for doing you the unkiudness and injustice of helping you 
 to live in demoralizing idleness on unearned w^ealth. 
 
 "Therefore, out of pure love for ourselves, and a consuming 
 anxiety for your welfare, we will take the full reward of our 
 labor NOW, and turn over to you all the hopes and realities of 
 future reward and glory which ye make so mtich of. Ye have 
 taught us the ineffable blessedness of poverty and trust in God ; 
 of etnpty bellies and the contemplation of other-world bliss. 
 
 " Therefore, be it enacted, and it is hereby enacted, by us 
 dogs now restored to our senses, that from the passage of this 
 Act, i. e. NOW, ye fleas, suckers, robbers and poisoners, shall 
 have all your privileges as idle drags upon our prosperity taken 
 away from you, and ye shall henceforth be endowed andrrowned 
 with all those sacred and inalienable rights to starve and die. 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 263 
 
 to sink or swim, which are now the great and particular endow- 
 ment of dogs throughout the world. 
 
 "But in lieu thereof, and as a set-off, we make over to you in 
 fee simple, and to your heirs and assigns forever, all those 
 mansions in the sky, and the grounds thereto appertaining ; 
 all those sweet fields of Eden and the sweet rest to be found 
 there ; all those harps and crowns of gold, the robes and palms 
 and glories and pleasures forever more, and all the sweetness 
 and light and satisfaction, etc., etc., etc. These we give, grant 
 and convey to you in the same disinterested spirit as that in 
 which you bequeathed them to us. 
 
 " Go, then, in peace, and, rich in all the wealth oi future 
 hope, may you be happy. Heretofore, ye have taken our earthly 
 things and pretended to give us in exchange heavenly things. 
 We will now re-exchange them, and while ye are enjoying the 
 strange new bliss of earning your earthly things, so there is 
 nothing to prevent us, while enjoying our earthly rights, from 
 looking forward to the good things of the future." 
 
 And the fleas, at the pronunciation of this sentence, fell into a 
 grievous terror, and bewailed the hard fate that had overtaken 
 them ; and said that life without wealth and leisure would be but 
 penal servitude ; and none of them seemed to take any comfort 
 in this Heavenly Inheritance. Yea, some of them, at this re- 
 versal of fortune, went insane, and many of them saying, that if 
 a "title clear to mansions in the skies" was all that was left of 
 the wreck of their fortunes, they might as well be dead, took 
 one tremendous jump and went out and drowned themselves, 
 
CHAPTER XLII. 
 
 The Big Deuverer Pours Out on the Fi,eas an Awful 
 Stream of Scorching Truths, Which are as Much an 
 Indictment of the Dogs as of the Fleas. — The Police 
 Dogs Go in Out of the Wet. — Desperate Last Effort 
 of the Fleas to Regain Their Lost Power. — End of 
 THE Fleas.— Establishment of Pure Dogogracy Under 
 
 A Cleaned and Purified Flag of the 
 
 Truly Free. 
 
 UT in spite of the consternation amongst the fleas, 
 the big dog remorselessly continued: " Further- 
 ^ more, ye meanest and hatefullest suckers of blood ; 
 ye enterprising, industrious and pushing absorb- 
 ers OF THE PRODUCTS OF OTHERS' INDUSTRY ; ye 
 thieves, hear me ! Ye have broken down the natural and just 
 system of society, under which each dog got the full reward of 
 his own industry. 
 
 "And it was all our fault that ye did it. By the ignorant 
 consent of the fools amongst us, ye got on our backs and ive 
 FOOLS made it legal for you to be RASCALS and suck our 
 blood. We idiots made it compulsor}' on ourselves to carry you, 
 feed you, fatten you, pamper you. We starved ourselves to 
 make you rotten with overfeeding ; and these two unnatural 
 extremes we made to meet and form a sickening spectacle for 
 High Heaven to spue over. We flattered you, we worshipped, 
 praised, lauded and magnified j'ou. We made you our gods, 
 and taught ourselves to shake and tremble in the unapproach- 
 able light and glory of your infinite divinity. And ye were but 
 fleas — little dirty insects, made great only by our stupid suffrage. 
 
 264 
 
THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 265 
 
 Oh, the infinite marvel of it ! that the world of dogs should 
 ever have gone so blind, imbecile and demented as to have 
 lifted you dirty pests into the throne of the world, and made 
 you the lords of all power and might. How many million yards 
 of the sackcloth, and tons of the ashes of repentance will this, 
 
 our mighty sin, need for its expiation ! Dogs, dogs, that we 
 were ever to have done it ! But we did it ; and for our reward 
 ye drove us, ye bled us, ye tortured us, ye killed us and made 
 merry over our corpses. Oh, shame and everlasting contempt 
 be on us that we — without whose permission ye never could 
 have existed one minute — should, in our fathomless stupidity, 
 
266 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 have created j'Oii, and then have abdicated the throne of our 
 sovereignty and put you despicable, infinitesimal cusses into it ! 
 
 " This was our sin ; and ye, our creation, have been our just 
 punishment. This is always Heaven's judgment on those who 
 sin against themselves by giving up tjaeir self respect, and sur- 
 rendering their natural rights. We reap as we have sowed. We 
 stripped ourselves of our God-given and inalienable rights to 
 life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness — things that were 
 NOT OURS TO GIVE AWAY — and sinfully gave them over to you, 
 and lo ! ye were the very ones who mocked and scourged our 
 nakedness. We became j-our slaves and thereby gave you the 
 right to despise us. We invested you with the whip and the 
 spur, and thereby invested you with the right to drive us to the 
 devil. And ye have driven us to the devil. And we have had 
 the added misery of seeing you trying to amuse us while driving 
 us there. 
 
 "Ye stole all we had, and when thousands of us died of want 
 your compassion was touched, and ye sent down for our relief 
 quite a lot of good things, accompanied by tracts and choice ex- 
 tracts of Scripture, and a few requests that we be thankful and 
 love the givers. But some of us, nosing amongst these gifts, 
 recognized them as the same ones ye had stolen from us ; and 
 while the poor fools amongst us were trotting around thankfully 
 licking their chops, and wagging their little tails, and tearfully 
 and prayerfully invoking God's choicest blessings upon you, we 
 walked off disgusted that there should live fools so God-forsaken 
 as to be thankful for the return of a crumb from the thief who 
 stole his loaf. Ye called it CHARITY, and the poor fools sent 
 up a request to God to remember you in love for it. We called 
 it the small articles the thief is obliged to drop because Nemesis 
 is after him ; and we prayed God to send a time when we could 
 remember you— WITH AN EXTINGUISHER. 
 
 "And this time has come now. We came here and heard you 
 devising new schemes to divert us from our discontent. Ye 
 knew th&t discontent is the precursor of investigation and the 
 
268 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 knowledge of what is amiss. We heard you propose everything 
 but the only thing needful, viz : TO GET OFF OUR BACKS. 
 Ye would make us believe that ye sought OUR GOOD ; but the 
 real motive of your conduct was YOUR OWN SAFETY. Your 
 blood sucking franchise being your very life, ye could not, of 
 course, think of giving it up ; so ye proposed to throw a meat- 
 less bone to the dogs in the shape of Free Gospel, Free Music, 
 Free Pictures and CHARITY BALLS— which are nothing less 
 than a damnable endeavor to palm off on God and us your love 
 of display and riotous pleasure as CHARITY. Ye must have 
 your hops anyhow. Ye must have your ostentatious displays 
 of pride and property, and your nights of dissipation ; but the 
 happy thought struck you that you might kill two birds with 
 one stone, and have your unrestricted, selfish, fleshly pleasures, 
 and by garbing them in the disguise of Charity, get also by 
 means of them into Heaven's good book. But we have found 
 you out, and concluded that if we have our own freedom we can 
 get our own gospel and music and pictures and do our own 
 dancing. 
 
 "Therefore, we, in our plenary power to enforce this decision, 
 do enact that we will do without fleas, and we do hereby resume 
 the control of our own bodies ; and therewith we resume all our 
 self-alienated rights and powers; and at the same time we give, 
 grant and convey to you, for your behoof and benefit, all that 
 gospel, that music and those pictures ye have provided for us. 
 We shall not need them now ; ye may, for, lo ! your doom is 
 sealed." 
 
 "What doom? What dog insolence is this?" cried one of 
 the eminent fleas, in a bold tone. " Dost thou not know, dog, 
 that this is sedition, anarchy and a breach of the peace ? Begone ! 
 thou and thy low-born, dirty and ill-smelling crew, or by the 
 Law we will turn you over to the police dogs." And all the 
 other fleas, plucking up heart at these words, cried out too ; 
 "Yes, begone ! " 
 
I'HE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 269 
 
 But the dogs laughed, and their leader said: "The day of 
 dogs' obedience to the commands of fleas is gone. Said I not 
 unto you that their eyes had been moistened with the Dilute 
 Solution of Common Sense, and that they can now see through 
 fleas? Ye have not heard ; but I and these my fellow dogs 
 were commissioned by the other dogs of Canisville to come here 
 and tell you that a new Will of the Dogs Expresser hath been 
 set up, a very much bigger, better and more effective one than 
 that which ye commanded your slaves and imported beasts to 
 destroy and burn with fire. This Expresser hath the novel but 
 righteous provision for dogs to sit at the bottom of the shute 
 thereof and do the counting. This hath been set up in the 
 Public Place and all the dogs have this day dropped their little 
 wills into the slot thereof, and when the trap in the bottom was 
 pulled and the wills were counted it was found that there was a 
 Great Majority, and the Great Majority said that both the 
 fraudulent Nighuntos and the swindling Faraways should get 
 away from the Tank, that the Blood and Bones Mill should be 
 broken down and the Handle sold to the devil ; that the lying 
 Bamboozling Committee and the Great Many Headed Daily 
 Press should be branded as frauds, and that all dogs, big, little 
 and whatsoever, should be absolutely forbidden to contribute in 
 any degree to the maintenance of fleas, and any dog found 
 guilty of having the smallest flea on him should be treated as a 
 public enemy and driven out of the city into the wilderness. 
 
 "The police dogs, alarmed at this universal coming of the 
 dogs to their senses, have retired to their kennels, to watch the 
 weathercock, and some very impulsive ones, being quite confi- 
 dent that the dogs are now on top, have very ostentatiously 
 clubbed several eminent fleas ; and the Bamboozlers and the 
 Monstrous Fleas, after calling in vain on the prudent and non- 
 committal police dogs to club back to slavery the newly self- 
 enfranchised dogs, have run away. Bones and meat are coming 
 out of their hiding places, and flesh is beginning to grow over 
 the poor dogs' bones ; and we are here to tell you to depart 
 
270 THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. 
 
 peaceably and find some other community of fools to live ou, or 
 live on one another, we care not which." 
 
 But the fleas flew into a great rage, and cried out : " To Hades 
 with your infernal Expresser ! Fleas always have been on top, 
 and will be forever ! " and, yelling "Down with Sedition," they 
 with one accord jumped upon the backs of the dpgs, and know- 
 ing it was now a case of victory or death, they beset them sorely, 
 saying they would teach the miserable, thankless curs who was 
 master. There were many fleas to each dog, and they were 
 very fierce and savage, but not a dog whined or scratched. With 
 tail erect and a noble light in his intelligent eye, the leader 
 turned and departed, followed in like manner by all the others. 
 They passed a place where a lot of timber had been cut and 
 each seized a big chip in his mouth as he trotted along. Soon 
 they came to where flowed a considerable stream of water, on 
 the bank of which they formed in reverse order. Then, with 
 tails trailed in the very dust, and to the murmuring music of the 
 moviug waters, they waded in backwards as far as they could 
 until nothing but the chips and the very tip of each nose was 
 above the water. This caused the fleas to drop all thoughts but 
 those of self-preservation, and in a scrambling panic they 
 scampered from dry point to dry point till the chip was the 
 only resting place for their feet. Then, holding each nose up- 
 right and each chip well aloft, each dog sank, until nothing but 
 the chip, black with a cursing mob of outwitted and dethroned 
 blood-suckers, was to be seen above the water. A moment more 
 and each dog let go his chip and came to the surface a little way 
 up stream, giving the widest possible berth to any chips floating 
 away from his fellow dogs. Farther up the stream they took 
 to the banks, on which they gathered together and from which 
 they exhorted the drowning fleas to practice the virtue of con- 
 tent, and to look above to that Heaven to which they had so 
 often pointed the dogs. But as the mob of erstwhile powerful 
 tyrants floated away into the dim, forgotten Past, there came 
 for answer only a wail of despair and a dying prayer that God 
 
t*h;e Does ANij 1*he; i^tEAs. 271 
 
 would avenge them some day ou a wicked and thankless race 
 of dogs. The dogs, however, with humble and contrite hearts, 
 burst forth into a dog song of deliverance, which ran : 
 
 Sound the loud timbrel o'er Misery's dark sea, 
 
 The Suckers are gone, the enslaved ones are free ; 
 
 Their power and their pride are gone down in the wave, 
 
 And the curse is removed, of Master and slave. 
 I 
 
 And the dogs with songs and joy marched back to the city, 
 and Pup McPoodle and all his gang of wicked and cowardly 
 courtier dogs, hearing of their coming, were seized with terror, 
 and "put" with such rapidity that the momentum of their going 
 carried them far out of sight, and it is supposed they are going 
 still. 
 
 And the free and happy dogs called the Big Dog Retriever, 
 "for," said they, "he hath retrieved our lost prosperity," and 
 they cried aloud that he be elected chief; but the Big Dog would 
 not consent, and he said unto them : "No ; I 
 will not be your chief. Be ye your own chief; 
 let this, for the future, be a government of the 
 dogs, by the dogs, and for the dogs ; delegate 
 not your power to anyone, be he never so wise 
 and good, for the dogs that do that commit 
 treason against themselves, and if their chief 
 sell them to the fleas, they are but justly pun- 
 ished, as ye have been by Pup McPoodle." And all the dogs, 
 having still the influence of the Dilute Solution in their eyes, 
 cried out with one accord : "That is Plain Common Sense ; we 
 will be the government, and no one shall have the power." 
 
 And it was so. And they set up and kept up all the year 
 round a great, big, free Will of the Dogs Expresser, and through 
 it they passed a law that whatsoever law should henceforth be 
 made should be ratified by the dogs through the Will Expresser. 
 And it was so. And all laws whatsoever which they had were 
 ratified through it and without its ratification was no law made 
 that was made. And their laws were very few and very good ; 
 
272 1*HE DOGS AND THE PI,EaS. 
 
 for they found that the wisdom o{ all the dogs was greater than 
 the wisdom of any one dog or of any few dogs ; and there being 
 very few laws, they were simple and easy to understand, for the 
 object sought thereby was Justice and not to fatten fleas. 
 
 They also made what they called a Constitution — a Solemn 
 League and Covenant — which they ratified seven times through 
 the Will Expresser, that provided that fleas and suckers of any 
 description should be regarded as Unconstitutional insects, to 
 be arrested on sight and driven ignominiously out of town, and 
 that any law to allow them an existence amongst dogs should 
 be Unconstitutional, and that any dog who should ever propose 
 such a law should be declared a traitor to the community, and 
 condemned to abide by himself in the wilderness, and that any 
 dog who even spoke with any favor of fleas should be deemed 
 insane and be locked up out of sight. 
 
 So peace, good order and freedom abounded, and with these 
 came more to eat than they ever needed. 
 
 And having true Freedom in the land they pulled down the 
 Liberty Bell, and the grotesque copper Lie that disfigured the 
 prospect at the gates of the city, and broke them both up for 
 old junk, for they said they could not endure the sight of em- 
 blems that were lies when they were put up, and only reminded 
 them of the days when they were bamboozled and cheated ; and 
 anyway, they said, real true Freedom was seen and felt every- 
 where, and needed no clangor of metal to proclaim its existence; 
 for a Freedom that needed such an infernal din and racket and 
 oratory and show to make itself known was evidently not self- 
 evident. 
 
 And as for the old Flag of the Free, they hardly knew what 
 to do with it. Some said that the fleas and the Bamboozlers 
 had made such a lie of it, had so blasphemed Liberty in its name, 
 and had so defiled it by hoisting it over so many damnable and 
 bloody iniquities that, really, the only proper thing to do was to 
 burn it and devise a new one. But some said that as it was 
 originally devised bj' fairly honest dogs who had had no educa- 
 
The dogs and the fleas. 
 
 273 
 
 tion concerning and experience with fleas, such as the expensive 
 and terrible one they had just gone through, they thought if 
 the old Flag were well fumigated to take away the sickening 
 smell of fleas that clung to it, and were well scrubbed and 
 scoured, and had all the dirt washed out of it, it would do very 
 well. So they cleansed and purified it, and set it up ; and under 
 it they lived perfectly happy ever after. 
 
THE TYPE SETTING FOR THIS BOOK 
 
 WAS DONE BY 
 
 Libby & Sherwood Printing Co., 
 
 140=146 rionroe Street, 
 CHICAGO. 
 
 THE PRESS WORK ON THIS BOOK 
 
 WAS DONE BY 
 
 George K. Hazlitt & Co., 
 
 91 Plymouth Place, 
 CHICAGO. 
 
^o^^for^ric-i^y