Pillot, Joseph Eugene. Two crooks and a lad\i PN 6120 .A52 P558 1917 Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2015 ) https://archive.org/details/twocrooksandlady01pill Punch's Intesnational Copyughtkd (in England^ hi Colonies^ and the United States) Edition of THE Works of the Best Authors. 2 O I CO TWO CROOKS AND A LADY A PLAY IN ONE ACT BY EUGENE PILLOT New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBUSHEB 25 West 45th Street London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd, 26 Southampton Stsxbt STRAND for Tournament Use «B RECOGNITION SCENE FROM >> ANASTASIA APOLLO OF BELLAC EMPEROR'S NIGHTINGALE STILL STANDS THE HOUSE INCOME TAX. THE r HEATHEN PIONEER S PORTRAIT OF NELSON HOLIDAY. JR. Q SHERIFF. THE SHIRKERS. THE TOUCH OF FANCY HEAT LIGHTNING THIS WAY TO HEAVEN Ci WHEN THE FIRE DIES % ADAM'S RIB HURTS FOREVER JUDY Q UGLY DUCKLING. THE PERIOD HOUSE RIDERS TO THE SEA FRIGHT FUMED OAK SISTERS MC INTOSH FROM FIVE TO FIVE-THIRTY BISHOP'S CANDLESTICKS. THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN. THE TWO CROOKS AND A LADY A PLAY IN ONE ACT BY EUGENE PILLOT No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. SAMUEL FRENCH, INC. 25 West 45th Street NEW YORK 10036 7623 Sunset Boulevard HOLLYWOOD 90046 LONDON TORONTO Copyright ®, 1917 by Eugene Pillot Copyright, 1918, by Brentano's (In Volume) Plays of the 47 Workshop I Copyright, 1946 (In Renewal) by Eugene Pillot ALL RIGHTS RESER VED CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that TWO CROOKS AND A LADY is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Common- wealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union. 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The publication of this play does not imply that it is necessarily available for performance by amateurs or professionals. Amateurs and professionals considering a production are strongly advised in their own interests to apply to Samuel French, Inc., for consent be- fore starting rehearsals, advertising, or booking a theatre or hall. Printed in U.S.A. ISBN 0 573 62550 0 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY * By Eugene Pillot * Note : The author acknowledges his indebtedness to short story, "Fibre," by Richard Washburn Child, which sug gested the play. CHARACTERS Miller, The Hawk. Lucille, his accomplice, Mrs. Sims- Vane. Miss Jones, her companion Police Inspector. Garrity, a policeman. TWO CROOKS AND A LADY Scene: Library in the old Fifth Avenue mansion of Mrs. Simms-Vane. It is an old-fashioned thorougMy substantial room and an ideal setting for its owner. French windows, overlooking Fifth Avenue and extending to the floor, are in the middle of the rear wall. Bookcases on each side of them extend to a door at rear right and to a writing desk at left front. There is a chair near the window, one by the table, and one by the desk. Prominent among the usual desk fit- tings must be a small gold stamp box. A waste- taper basket stands beside the desk, in full view of the audience. Several porcelain vases are placed about the room. A long library table, holding two brass candlesticks, is at right front. Just above it, on the right wall, a large, long mir- ror hangs so that it reflects the opposite side of the room. Place: New York City. Time: The present. About three o'clock on a rainy afternoon. The curtain rises on an empty stage, rather dark be- cause of the rainy day and the drawn curtains The French window in the rear opens cautious and Miller stealthily slips into the room 3 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY He is a tall, handsome man — the usual type of gentleman crook who has emerged from the bot- tom of his nefarious profession. He wears a dark raincoat and a soft black hat, pulled down a little over his eyes. As he starts to advance into the room, approaching footsteps are heard off right. Frightened, he slips behind the heavy curtains at the window. Lucille enters from the door at right. She is in the conventional white apron and cap of a well-groomed parlor maid. She stops for a mo- ment to tidy the table, glances up at the mirror, and starts to make a slight readjustment of her cap. Suddenly she realises that it is too dark for her to see, goes to the windozv, and quickly ptdls back the curtains, flooding the room with light and revealing Miller. The moment she sees Miller, she jumps back frightened. Lucille. ( In a loud voice ) Miller ! Miller, (Frightened, he comes forward cau- tiously) Don't shout ! LuciLiJE. You nearly scared the life out of me! Miller. Don't tell it to the whole house. (Glances toward door.) Lucille, anybody about? (Throughout the following scene, Lucille and Miller give their lines quickly, feverishly, for they fear that they may be interrupted at any moment.) Lucille. Not yet ; but they wheel Mrs. Simms- Vane in here every afternoon. You're not safe here! (Tries to hurry him to the window.) Miller. (Catching her by the arm) Quick! Where does she keep the Thirty-three? Lucille, ( Carelessly, as she jerks her arm away) Why should I tell you? TWO CROOKS AND A LADY 5 Miller. Going to hog the necklace yourself 'stead of divvying up with me, huh? Lucille. No. Miller. Then whRt the hell's the matter with you? Lucille. You've been taking that Minnie out again ! Miller. Naw, I'm on the level with you. Lucille. ( Scornfully ) Huh ! Miller. Didn't I say we'd get married soon's we cop the necklace ? Lucille. (Arrogantly) I know you said that. Miller. Then, what's in your craw? Jealous again ? Lucille. Why not? I've got everything staked on you ! Miller. And you can play it for all it's worth. It'll take both of us to steal the Thirty-three. Lucille. Miller, it's a wonderful necklace. Miller. Worth forty thousand dollars. Lucille. Thirty-three blue- white diamonds. Wouldn't think an old dame would be so stuck on it! Miller. No more than we are. (Nudges her affectionately.) Now, where does she keep it? Lucille. In this room ! Miller. This room? Lucille. Yes, they say she comes in here to look at it ; but no one's ever seen her do it ! Miller. Good enough; we'll cop it this very afternoon ! Lucille. How ? Miller. Listen, this is the dope. Lucille. ( Eagerly ) Uh-huh. Miller. Servants are ofiF to-day, 'cept you, the cook, and the eld dame's companion. Cook's way down in the kitchen — and I've fixed it to get th« companion away. 6 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY Lucille. How? Miller. Dennis is across the street — watching this window. Lucille. Why? Miller. When the time's ready, I'll signal him with this handkerchief and right oif the phone here will ring. You answer it. Lucille. (Puzzled) Wliat's the game ? Miller. Dennis is going to send fake message — something about a phony check — that'll get Miss Jones out of the house. Want you to answer the phone so 's to be sure it's Dennis. Then call her, un- derstand ? Lucille. Yes ! Miller. After that it'll be plain sailing. Lucille. But Dennis'll want some of the boot for doing that? Miller. Naw, I promised him a tenner if he'd send the phone message and then beat it to the sta- tion and get a couple of tickets for us. (Murmur of voices from off right.) Lucille. Oh, they're coming now. Better get away in a hurry! (Miller runs to the window.) Miller. Don't forget to answer that phone ! Lucille. I won't ! They're almost here ! Hurry up and get out ! Miller. No, I'm going to stay right here. Lucille. But they'll see you! Miller. No, they won't. I'll slide behind this curtain. (He slips behind one of the window cur- tains, which remain partly open. He is completely concealed. Lucille p^^etends to arrange articles on the desk, furtively glancing at right door.) (From right enter Miss Jones, pushing an invalid's chair in which is seated Mrs. Simms-Vane.J (Miss Jones, the paid compamon of Mrs. Simms- TWO CROOKS AND A LADY 7 Vaxe, is a rather dull, systematic English wo- man, not in the least understanding her mistress, but as a result of long sen/ice, obeying her to the letter. Mrs. Simms-Vane, a hopeless para- lytic f or twenty years, cannot move her chin a quarter of an inch to left or right. Her body is rigid; her cheeks are webbea with the fine wrinkles of the years; her eyes are beautiful zvith patience; and her mouth is lovely with the firmness of suffering. Once very beautiful, she is nozi', at the age of sixty, as inert as a faded flozi'er. SJie wears a rich but simple dress of black silk with white lace at the throat, ^hss JoxES zchecls the chair to left center, somewhat to rear, and facing the table and the mirror on the right wall. She lifts one of the invalid's hands and places it so thai it rests easily on the arm of Jicr chair. As she goes to the otJicr side of the cJiair and arranges the otJier hand in a similar manner, jMiller^ with his eye on ]\Iiss Jones and zvatched by Lucille, silently steps from behind the curtain, glances out the win- dozv, gives a quick zvave of his handkerchief — the signal to the unseen Dennis — and slips be- hind the curtain again without being seen by either Miss Jones or TvIrs. Simms-Vane. j Mrs. Simms-Vane. (As Miss Jones starts to make a slight adjustment of the old lady's head against the back of her chair) No, to the right. (Miss Jones moz'es the head slightly.) Too much. More to the left. (^Iiss Jones moves the head again.) ]\Iiss Jones. May I ask why you always want your head faced that way? ^Irs. Simms-Vane. (Coolly amused) You may ask. 8 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY (Mrs. Simms-Vane's tone causes Miss Jones to step back abashed, and she does not venture the question. The telephone on the desk rings. Miss Jones starts toward it; but Lucille has already picked it up.) Lucille. I'll answer it, Miss Jones. (Speaks into the telephone) Hello Yes Yes! ( Glances in direction of Miller.J All right, I'll call her. (Turns to Miss Jones.J It's for you, Miss Jones. Miss Jones. Thank you. ( Goes to telephone.) Hello Yes Oh, is that so? Very well. I'll be right down to see about it. Thank you. Good- bye. (Hangs up the receiver and goes to Mrs. Sim MS- Vane. J Mrs. Simms-Vane, that was the Empire National Bank on the phone. Mrs. Simms-Vane. Yes? Miss Jones. The cashier has discovered what appears to be an alteration in a check you gave Andrews, the grocer. They asked me to go im- mediately to their down-town offices ; and I told them I would. Mrs. Simms-Vane. Very well. Miss Jones. (To LucilleJ You will remain here with Mrs. Simms-Vane. There will be nothing to do for her. ( Goes to the door at right where she turns and says to Lucille ) Even though it is rain- ing, she will take her daily ride at four as usual. By that time, probably, I shall return. Lucille. (With a superior air) Very good, Miss Jones. (Exit Miss Jones. A momenfs silence, then an out- side door closes. Miller steps out from behind the curtain and beckons for Lucille to come to him. She does so and together they step out into the room and look threateningly at Mrs. TWO CROOKS AND A LADY Simms-Vane for a moment. They are now in her range of vision and she stares at them zmth- out the flicker of an eyelash.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Calmly) Lucille, who is this gentleman? (Lucille fidgets.) Why is he here? (Lucille becomes more nerz^cus.) Miller. (Brushing past LucilleJ Lll do the talking ! IvIrs. Simms-Vane. I fear, Lucille, that I have been mistaken in you. Miller. (To Mrs. Simms-VaneJ Now, there'll be no nonsense ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. I think I understand. Miller. Better for you. if you do ! ]\Irs. Simms-Vane. Sir, will you kindly step forward three or four steps ? Miller. What for? Mrs. Simms-Vane. I am unable, because of my infirmity, to turn my head ; and I prefer to talk look- ing into the eyes. Miller. (Stepping in front of Mrs. Simms- Vane ) We'll not have much talk. ( Quickly, to LucilleJ You mind that door. (Points to door, which Lucille closes as ^Iiller goes to the tele- phone and cuts its green cord. Resuming his posi- tion in front of Mrs. Simms-Vane. J Naw, Mrs. Simms-Vane, Lll tell you why Lm here. Mrs. Simms-Vane. Yes? TvIiLLER. I come for the Thirty-three, and you're going to tell me where it is. Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Slight surprise) So you call it the Thirty-three f Miller. Needn't pretend you don't understand what Lm talking about. I ain't got much time. Now, where is it? (Points a menacing finger at Mrs. Sim MS- Vane's face. She merely smiles and 10 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY looks at him without making the slightest move- ment.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Firmly, hut softly) Sir, you have made a mistake to come here. Miller. Mistake? Ha! (Halfway laughs.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. It is true that I am a help- less invalid and cannot call for assistance; but there is that which will cause you to fail. You shall have a disaster. Lucille. (As she comes to Miller, frightened) Oh, Miller, what does she mean ? Miller. (Ignores Lucille. Speaks sneeringly to Mrs. Simms-VaneJ You mean you'll call on God? Well, my nerve's good for that stuff. Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Referring to LucilleJ Hers is not. (Miller turns and looks at Lucille, who has become very nervous.) Lucille. It's a lie ! The old fossil ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. (A little, slow smile passes over her face as she continues in her calm voice) Nevertheless, I do not refer to divine assistance. Miller. Then, what do you mean? Mrs. Simms-Vane. I think you will fail, be* cause you are not made of the material that suc- ceeds. You are both of the base metals — unre- strained, passionate, and vulgar. Lucille. ( Her vanity is hurt ) The idea ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. Yes, and that is why you made a mistake to come into conflict with me. Miller. Bah ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. At the very outset, sir, you made a mistake. Miller. Mistake — what mistake? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Almost your first words dis- closed the fact that you did not know where the necklace is laid away. Miller. You're not very clever yourself. You've just as well as admitted the Thirty- three's in this TWO CROOKS AND A LADY ii room. (Jerks off his raincoat, throws it on the floor, and starts to search for the Thirty-three among the papers in the writing-desk drawers. Lucille still keeps guard at the door. I\Irs. Simms-Vane, umble to turn her head, stares aJicad at nothing.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. (After a pause, in her same calm voice) Will you trust in one who has never broken her word to anyone ? Miller. (Stops suddenly and looks at Mrs. Simms-VaneJ What are you try-ing to get at? I^'Irs. Simms-\'axe. Suppose I promise to re- ward you — (Luciile starts forward jealously) — both to the full? (Lucille sinks hack relieved.) Miller. \\"hat are you giving us ? Mrs. Simms-\^axe. The necklace is my most treasured possession, not because of its money value, but because my dear, dead husband gave it to me when we were young and very^ happy. (Lucille turns away, sickened by this expression of sentiment.) Miller. WTiat's that got to do with us? Mrs. Simms-Vaxe. That is why I will not have it taken from me. Lucille. Listen to her ! Miller. ( Coarse laugh ) Ha ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. Then look out for yourselves. I warn you. (Miller walks hack until he stands in front of ^Irs. Simms-Vane. Suddenly he takes a pistol from his pocket and thrusts the muzzle of it into her face.) Miller. (Growling) Where's the thing hid? (Mrs. Simms-Vane slowly closes her eyes and slow- ly opens them again. He pushes the revolver nearer her.) Where's it hid? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Do you think I fear that you will pull that trigger ? 12 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY Miller. Why wouldn't I ? Mrs. Sim MS- Vane. Can you not see how beau- tiful that would be for me — ^a hopeless invalid? Miller. (Not understanding) Huh? Mrs. Sim MS- Vane. But it is too much to hope. You would not shoot me. Miller. I'll soon show you ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. Ah, no, that would make a noise. Miller. (Impatiently) What if it did? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Then you could not con- tinue your search. No, I cannot hope that you will pull that trigger. Miller. (Realizing the truth of her words, drops the pistol to his side) You're a tough old nut. Mrs. Simms-Vane. Thank you, sir. That is very kind. Miller. Bah! (Then to Lvcillk) Pull out the books, girlie. We've got to frisk the whole room. Lucille. ( Coming forward ) All right ! Miller. Go through it systematic and fast; and look in the vases ! Lucille. Yes, yes! (Begins to execute his com- mands.) Miller. Remember, she said it was "laid away'* — ^that's the cue. Lucille. Uh-huh. (Miller returns to the desk, tosses papers and boxes to the floor, opens the stamp box on the desk, finds a locked drawer, and feverishly splin- ters it open. Lucille is hastily pulling out the books from the shelves and searching the wall behind them for any secret hiding place of the necklace. The room is in a welter of disorder. Finally, Miller returns to his revolver which he left on the table as he made his rounds of the room, stares down at it, and bites his lips.) TWO CROOKS AND A LADY 13 Miller. (Growling) Damn! Time wasted! (Looks at Mrs. Simms-Vane and takes a pair of steel pliers from his side pocket, opens them, and looks down at them.) It's rough work ; but it's got to be done. (Goes to Mrs. Simms-Vane and closes his hand over one of her white wrists. Her fingers move a little.) Huh ! There's some feeling in this hand. I thought so. (He slips the toothed jaws of the pliers between the thumb and forefinger down upon the soft flesh in the crotch of her thumb and closes the pliers upon it.) Now, where's the necklace? (Mrs. Simms-Vane silently stares at him.) Better tell. ( She merely closes her eyes.) You better tell ! (Lucille shudders as she sees that he is squeezing the pliers in his tightening grip.) Curse you ! Out with it ! Where's the necklace ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. That is painful; but I do not think pain will ever be my master. I shall not tell you. Lucille. Stop ! Stop, Miller ! The blood's com- ing! Miller. Let it come. Lucille. But she won't tell I Oh, youVe crush* ing the flesh ! Stop ! ( Starts to pull him away.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Opening her eyes) Ah, she's weakened I I said you were both made of in- ferior stuff. This French doll of 3'ours, sir, was willing to see you torture an old lady who cannot move and yet a few drops of red blood make her cry out. What a pair you are — all boastfulness ; but your nerves are made of shoddy. (Miller drops the pliers in his pocket, looks at Lu- cille, and sneers.) Lucille. (To Miller^ Don't! Don't look at me like that I 14 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY Miller. Why not? The old dame's right about us. ( Outside, a clock strikes three o'clock.) Mrs. Sim MS- Vane. (Fretfully) It's three. I ordered my hot milk for three. Miller. (Wheeling toward 'Lucille) The cook'll bring it in ? Lucille. (Sullenly) Perhaps. Miller. Quick, then! Go to the kitchen. Say she sent you for it. I'll take another look round the room. (Lucille shrugs her shoulders and exits. Miller starts to search in the desk drazvers again.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Sees him in the mirror) Young man, I see you're searching in those drawers again. I would not waste my time doing that. Miller. (Startled ) Why not ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Perhaps I will tell you what you wish to know. Miller. What? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Come and stand in front of me. Miller. (He does so, staring at her) Well? Mrs. Simms-Vane. You may be surprised, sir, to hear that I cannot help admiring the boldness you have shown in coming here. Miller. Aw, what are you giving me now ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. I have always been attracted by ability, wherever it showed itself and Miller. (With contempt) Words, words. Mrs Simms-Vane. No-o, but you are a hand- some young man, and it is a pity that your magne- tism and power should be thrown away on such a worthless young woman as Lucille. Miller. Aw, Lucille's all right. Mrs. Simms-Vane. Pah! You saw her cringe! Miller. Well? Mrs. Simms-Vane. A pretty face — that's all she is. And you are infatuated with her — you who could TWO CROOKS AND A LADY 15 win women far above her class. She stands in your way. This very occasion is an example of it. Miller. What are you driving at ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. In the next fifteen minutes she may cost you forty thousand dollars. Miller. (Leaning nearer) How's it figured? Mrs. Simms-Vane. I don't trust her; but I could — ^trade with you. Miller. Trade ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Did it not occur to you, sir, that forty thousand dollars is very little to me? If I spent it, it would be charged to my heirs. AIiller. What's that got to do with the Thirty- three ? I\Irs. Simms-Vane. I would willingly send you a check for the amount, if you would go away. Miller. (Scornfully) Huh! Mrs. Simms-Vane. But it is too much to ask you to take my word for that. However, I could take yours. Miller. ( Eagerly ) Yes ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. But not if Lucille were in- volved. Miller. Why not? Mrs. Simms-Vane. I love those stones the most of all material things — and I would not trust them to her. Miller. ( Glances toward door, then leans nearer to her, alert) How's that again? Talk faster. Mrs. Simms-Vane. I cannot. I meant that if I could trust you — you alone — with the necklace un- til I could arrange to buy it back from you, I would pay you more for it than its appraised value. Miller. How much more? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Twenty-five per cent more. Miller. I'll do it! Where's the necklace? Mrs. Simms-Vane. But I fear the girl. Miller. (Discounting her) Oh, that girl? i6 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY Mrs. Simms-Vane. Yes, you love her; and a man in love is not to be trusted. Miller. Aw, she's not the only girl I got. Mrs. Simms-Vane. 0-oh — and still I've no doubt you have even agreed to share your gains with her. Miller. Well ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. It is that which has invited my contempt. Miller. I never promised her a split. Besides, I know you're right about Lucille. Mrs. Simms-Vane. Then twenty thousand dol- lars is a high price to pay for this cheap little crea- ture's favor. Miller. Don't have to pay it — unless she knows I've got the sparklers. Mrs. Simms-Vane. Would you then? Miller. Yes, she's a little wildcat, and she'd squeal on me. Mrs. Simms-Vane. Then you mean that you would not reveal to her that you have the necklace? Miller. Sure. Mrs. Simms-Vane. You mean that you would give me the chance to purchase back the diamonds from you? Miller. Yes. Mrs. Simms-Vane. You mean that you would promise to take nothing else from this house? Miller. Vv'hat else is there? Mrs. Simms-Vane. There is a stamp box on the writing desk. You opened it. I heard its click. Miller. What of iO Mrs. Simms-Vane. It is made of solid gold. Miller. (Surprised that he should have missed such a valuable article, picks it up and stares at it) Gold ? That made of gold ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Yes. (Thinking Mrs. Simms-Vane cannot see him, he TWO CROOKS AND A LADY 17 starts to pocket the stamp box. She sees his movement reflected in the mirror and gives a low chuckle of satisfaction. He is startled, not quite sure whether she saw his action or not. Quickly, hut reluctantly, he puts the stamp box on the desk.) Miller. (In an over-generous tone) Well, what of it? I'd play straight; but how do I know that you Mrs. Simms-Vane. You would have the word of Justinia Simms-Vane. Her honor has never been questioned. It would last as long as your own. Miller. (Stares at her a moment) I'm no fool. Lucille's not worth the fuss. Where's the necklace? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Come near me. (He does so.) Open the buttons of my dress. Miller. (Accusingly) But you said it was "laid a\\'ay." Mrs. Simms-Vane. I chose my words carefully. Open my dress. Miller. ( Opens her dress and sees the necklace around her throat) Judas Garryowen ! She wear? them ! What stones ! What stones ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. Take it quickly. (He doei so and at once begins to pick the stones from their settings.) What are you doing? Miller. Aw (He is too busy to explain.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. I say, what are you doing? Miller. Picking the stones from their settings. Mrs. Simms-Vane. But I don't understand Miller. (Picks out remaming stones) Just a way we have. (Drops chain info waste basket.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. What was that noise? Miller. Chain going into the basket. I take no chances. Mrs. Simms-Vane. But you will do me the favor to button my dress. Lucille i8 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY Miller. Yes, yes ; but look at them ! ( Gloats over diamonds.) Thirty-three perfect ones ! A-ah, what a handful ! Look ! ( Holds them before her.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. They are pretty; but my dress Miller. All right. (Drops stones in his right pocket, fastens her dress, and starts to adjust her lace collar.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. I hear Lucille bringing Miller. How you going to put her off the scent ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Leave that to me. If you are the gentleman I think you are, you will have her give me the milk. Miller. Well ; but how will you fix her ? Mrs. Simms-Vane. Just continue your search. Miller. But I've finished this room ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. Then try the next; but leave the girl to me. Miller. (Takes out the diamonds, looks at them a moment) All right. (Walks away.) But don't you play any tricks on me. Mrs. Simms-Vane. Sir, that will depend upon vou. (He misses her inference and starts going through the drawers again. Suddenly, Mrs. Simms- Vane hears him stop. Reflected in the mirror on the wall before her she sees him reach for the gold stamp box on the desk, slowly grasp it, and put it in his pocket. She sighs and closes her eyes.) (Lucille appears in the doorway, carrying a tray which holds a tall glass of hot milk.) Miller. (Seeing Lucille^ You got the milk, huh? Lucille. Yes, but the cook wanted to bring it in herself. Miller. Well, I've frisked the room all over again. TWO CROOKS AND A LADY 19 Lucille. What'd you find ? Miller. No luck. The old lady's done us. Lucille. Look some more. We got lots more time. Mrs. Simms-Vane. I want my hot milk. LuciLi.E. Forget it! (Sets tray on the table.) Miller. ( Over-generous) No, give her the milk. Lucille. ( Surprised ) What's come over you ? Miller. Come here. (Lucille does so. 'Half whisper) Listen, give her the milk and keep her busy. Do anything. Lucille. What for? Miller. I want to see if there's anything worth picking up in the other rooms. Lucille. But ? Miller. Go on ; give her the milk. ( Astounded, Lucille stares at him; but she takes the milk to Mrs. Simms-Vane. Miller wanders through the door into the adjoining room. Again and again his shadow appears near the doorway, as though he were zvatching the women.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. You forget, my dear, that I cannot move. Put the glass to my lips. (Lucille does so.) A little nearer. (Lucille puts the glass nearer Mrs. Simms-Vane's lips.) The other side. (Peeved, Lucille glances at her; but moves the glass to the other side of Mrs. Simms-Vane's mouth.) What's that? Dirt? Is that dirt in my milk? (Impatiently, Lucille looks at the milk Whispering) Do not show ajiy surprise, Lucille. Keep looking at the milk. Lucille. (Whispering) Yes. Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Whispering) He has the necklace ! Lucille. (Whispering) Oh! Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Whispering) If you show him that you know, he will kill you. Don't move! (Loudly) Is it dirt in my milk? Look again. 20 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY Lucille. I'm trying to see. (Whispering) You're trying to make a fool of me ! Mrs. Sim MS- Vane. (Whispering) No, but he has tricked you and means to leave you to your fate. He has the diamonds ! Lucille. (Whispering) Oh! Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Whispering) The necklace without the stones is in the wastebasket. The revol- ver — is on the table. Lucille. (In hushed voice, as Miller enters) Oh. Miller. (Seeing Lucille's suspicious attitude, turns to Mrs. Simms-VaneJ What are you trying to do — cut Lucille off from me? (Lucille looks away.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Significantly) Did you find it — v^^hat you came for? Miller. (Hesitates, then sullenly) No. (Starts to look in the bookcases. Lucille sets glass on the table, runs to the wastebasket, looks in, and utters a cry of rage. Miller turns swiftly.) Lucille. You've got it, you dog! (Both rush for the revolver. She gets it.) Stand back now! Miller. But, Lucille Lucille. You double-crossed me — after I loved you so ! Miller, Listen, girlie, the old lady's framed us. I love you, girlie. You know me. You get your share ! This was the only way I could get the neck- lace ! It was all for you ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. Oh, Lucille, you Httle fool! The other woman is the one ! Lucille. I thought so! I'm going to kill you! Miller. (Desperately) I love you ! Lucille. Oh! (Pained, she closes her eyes. Miller seizes a brass candlestick from the table and hurls it blindly at her, striking the well behind her.) You dog! (She shoots. He falls to the TWO CROOKS AND A LADY 21 floor.) Oh, what have I done? What have I done? (Covers he7' face. Outside a policeman's whistle is blown twice. Lucille is still too horrified by her crime to hear it; but Mrs. Simms-Vane smiles knowingly and closes her eyes.) Mrs. Simms-V^'axe. I said it would be disaster for him to cross me. He broke his agreement with me. He did not know that I could see him in the mirror over the table when he took the little stamp box. (Outside tJie police zvhistle again.) Lucille. (Hears whistle) 0-oh, the police ! I\Irs. Simms-Vane. And now, you are a mur- deress ! Lucille. (Running to her) No! No! Please save me ! Mrs. SimmsA^ane. I wonder if you are really bad. I doubt it. You are too young to be put in jail. Lucille. You will save me? ]\Trs. Simms-Vane. I shall tell a little white lie for you, if you deserve it. Lucille. (Piteous fright) Oh, if you only would! (Off right the doorbell rings. Lucille be- comes more frightened and glances apprehensively toward the door.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. I shall say you shot him in defending me. But we must hurr}- ! That may be the police ringing now. Lucille. Oh! ^Irs. SimmsA'ane, Put the revolver in my lap. (Lucille does so.) Lucille. Oh. I don't deser^-e to be saved! Mrs. Simms-Vane. Never mind. Go put your hand in the 3'oung man's coat pocket. Lucille. Oh. no! Lm afraid to touch him! Mrs. Simms-Vane. Do as I say. (Reluctantly, Lucille goes to Miller. She starts to reach for his 22 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY pocket, shudders, and recoils from him.) The right side. (Lucille is startled that Mrs. Simms-Vane shoidd know the correct pocket; hut she quickly thrusts her hand into it.) Do you feel the diamonds ? Lucille. (Gloating) Yes; here they are. (As she lifts the stones from Miller's pocket, she pauses, swiftly putting back a stray wisp of hair over her right ear.) Mrs. Simms-Vane. Are you sure you have all of them ? Lucille. Yes ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. You did not leave a single one? Lucille. (Overconfident) No, Fmsure! Mrs. Simms-Vane. Then count each one and drop it into my hand. (Lucille is startled, and fears that she has been trapped, but quickly recovers her composure.) Lucille. ( Counting the diamonds into Mrs. Sim MS- Vane's hand — the one that was not tortured by MillerJ One, two, three — how wonderful they are! (Insistent ringing of the doorbell causes her to hasten her counting.) Four, five, six (She quickly continues to count toward thirty.) (The dom'bell has ceased ringing. An outside door opens and closes. A growing murmur of voices. A man e.vclaims, "But we heard a shot fired T A woman replies, ''But it couldn't have been here!" The man, 'We'll have a look anyway.") Lucille. (Still counting) Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two — (A pause of surprise) — thirty -three ! Mrs. Simms-Vane. (Suspiciously) Thirty- ihreef TWO CROOKS AND A LADY 23 . Lucille, (Bezi-iidered , hut relicred) Yes. thirty- three. Mrs. Simms-Vaxe. Then I have the stones my husband gave me — all back again ? Lucille. All (From right enter ^Iiss Jones, in hat and raincoat, follozi'ed by Police Inspector.) Miss Tones. (To Inspector) I'll prove to you there was nothing • (Seeing Mrs. Simms-Vaxe, rushes to her.) Oh. ^Irs. Simms-Vane, are you all right? Mrs. Simms-\^\xe. Yes. Miss Joxes. Nothing has happened? Mrs. Simms-Vane. No — evers^thing. (Policeman Garrity appears in the dooriuay.) Garrity. (To ^Iiss Joxes. as he appears) Old lady safe? (TvIiller stirs feebly. Miss Joxes sees him.) ^Iiss Joxes. Yes, but. Inspector — (Points to Miller ) — look ! iMiLLER. (Feebly) Hello, Inspector. Ixspector. (To Garrity) Miller, the Hawk! (To Mrs. Sim^.isA'axeJ Excuse me, ma'am, but who shot this man ? ]\Irs. Simms-\'axe. The maid. Lucille. I was def endin^:: her ! Miller. That's a lie ! The httle cat w^as the ''in- side" on this job. We messed it up, and she shot me. She thought I double-crossed her. Lucille. Oh, how he talks ! I never saw that man before in all my life! Did I. ?\Irs. Simms- \''ane ? ^Irs. Simms-Vane. My dear young woman, I tried to give you a chance. Now I advise the of- ficers to arrest you. You were his accomplice. Lucille. But you said — you promised 24 TWO CROOKS AND A LADY MRb. Sim MS- Vane. Certainly. But in my neck- lace there were not the number of stones you counted out to me. You kept one. Lucille. No ! No ! Mrs. Sim MS- Vane. Yes, you did. The necklace was given to me by my husband on my thirty-fourth, not my thirty-third, birthday. You thought I did not know the number of my own stones ; so you kept one. Miller. Ha ! That serves the Httle devil proper. But it's just like her ! I know her tricks ! Look un- der the hair over her ears ! (Inspector and Garrity start to examine her; hut she breaks away from them.) Lucille. Keep away from me ! Til give her the stone ! ( She reaches under the hair over her right ear and throws the diamond into Mrs. Simms- Vane's lap.) You old hag! Mrs. Sim MS- Vane. Miss Jones — (Miss Jones comes forward) — have the officers take these per- sons away. (Miss Jones nods to the officers to remove Lucille and Miller. Garrity takes Lucille into his custody and they exeunt right. The Inspector helps Miller up and starts toward the door with him, where Miller turns round.) Miller. (Savagely to Mrs. Simms-VaneJ You'll not beat us again ! fTJie Inspector pidls him out.) Mrs. Sim MS- Vane. (Serenely ignoring his re- mark) Miss Jones — (Miss Jones goes nearer to her, waiting) — you may order my carriage as usual. (Miss Jones is surprised, hut quickly nods assent and starts toward the door.) CURTAIN HE CAME SEEING Biblical drama. 1 act. By Mary P. Hamlin. 3 males, 2 females. Interior. Biblical costumet. This little Biblical play, written by the author of The Rock, if a dramatic presentation of the story of a young man who comes under the personal influence of Christ and casts off hiu earlier b©ii©f m order to embrace Christianity. I LAY IN ZION Droma In verse. 1 act. By William Gibson. 4 males, 4 females. Interior. Costumes, Palestinian and Roman. 40 minutes. The high priest's palace following the arrest of Jesus. Peter ccwnes to learn of his Master's fate. An old woman repeats to him Jesus's prediction that Peter will deny him thrice before the cock crows. Peter's wife spies in the courtroom, and re- ports that Jesus will be crucified. He is recognized, denies Jesus thrice, and the cock crows. Left alone, he condemns himself and all men at their worst: the old woman remind* him that this is the rock the church must be built on. Faced with a choice between safety or crucifixicMi in going to Rome, Peter chooses Rome and the cross. (Royalty, $5.00.) WHOSOEVER BELIEVETH Biblical play. 1 act. By Lloyd Corrigan. 3 males. Intericw. The scene is Jerusalem, in the year of our Lord 33. R is a spring evening. Nathan, assisted by a maimed youth, is clean- ing up after the Passover Feast which has just been celebrated by Christ and His apostles. The youth's father, who hates the Nazarene, has heard of the affair and comes to command his son home. In the ensuing dispute he discloses the coming be- trayal. The youth's brilliant faith and miraculous gesture astonish the father, and he confesses the place of the betrayal The youth runs oS. to warn Christ; but we know th&t be is already too lat& by DOUGLAS PARKHIRST Drama — 1 Act 5 Female — Interior A tencfer, yet gripping stoiy of two sisters, Hannah and Louise, who live in a rambling, old house. Hannah has been considered peculiar ever since childhood, when a missing playmate was believed carried off by gypsies. When Alice, the sisters' little niece, comes to live with them, Hannah fearfully insists that she is the missing child returned. While playing in the attic, Alice is visited by a strange illusion, which almost leads her to solve the mystery of fifty years ago. Hannah, fearing her long-guarded secret will be discovered, tries to silence the little girl. It is this tense, cat-and-mouse game between the two that brings the play to a startling climax and affords the actors an opportunity for skillful playing, while holding the audience spellbound. by RICHARD S. DUNLOP A Play of Ideas — 1 Act 4 male, 2 female — No setting required A powerful and touching story, "An Overpraised Season" won six out of nine possible awards at the one-act contest in which it premiered. Numerous problems facing today's intelligent and sensitive adolescents are treated in the 40 minute play, which, in episode form, concerns two boys and a girl; a domineering, religiously fanatic mother; and a selfish, egocentric father. A narrator, somewhat like the Stage Manager of "Our Town," expounds the philosophy of the play. A quality play, "Season" is designed for advanced student performers. IF MEN PLAYED CARDS AS WOMEN DO by GEORGE S. KAUFMAN Satirical comedy — 1 Act 4 Men — Modern Costumes A brilliant satire for men. The fun of this comic sketch is derived from the fact that a group of men at the bridge table speak, behave, and think after the man- ner in which v/omen are supposed to conduct their game. THE STILL ALARM by GEORGE S. KAUFMAN Satirical comedy — 1 Act 5 I-T. " — Modern and Fireman's Costumes The scene is in the bedroom of a hotel which is on fire. The fun lies in the manner in which it is put out. In the face of most exciting danger, the characters play in the well-bred manner of English drawing-room actors. WHEN MEN REDUCE AS WOMEN DO by OTTO KICKS Comedy — 1 Act 5 Men — Modem Costumes What happens when a bunch of men gather and talk like women about their efforts to lose weight results in a riot of laughter. OF POEMS • . . YOUTH, and SPRING COMEDY, 1 ACT-by JOHN LOGAN 1 male, 1 female, 3 voices; 4 chorus members Concerns the first romance of a boy and a girl In higlr school. The play's four scenes correspond to the seasons of the year; and each season represents a stage in the couple's romance, spring being when they meet and winter when tliey part Each season is introduced by two small choruses which, in a mood of light humor and fantasy, tease and scold and provide contrast to the light drama of the romance They also act incidental roles in the story and perform stagehand duties. BRIDGES ... Are When You Cross Them COMEDY, 1 ACT-by MELVIN B. SHAFFER 3 male, 2 female — Interior This American family is in S^n Francisco on another leg of a sightseeing tour. Father has everything laid out exactly and punctually, so that tlie city can be coveted in one day. He does his sightseeing by telescope from the hotel window, but each of the other memliers of the family is given assignments and reniiired to render reports that may be shared with the others. It's all very orderly and by-the- nunihers. Except that the daughter is wayward. She's the kind who. on seeing th« ocean, stays all day to enjoy it. She even begins to see things that aren't there, like the Golden Gate Bridge. The unimaginative members of the family, however, cannot see it, and so flatly state that it does not exist COLUMBINE CUM LAUDE COMEDY, 1 ACT-by LYDA NAGEL 3 males, 3 females — Interior One fine morning Columbine awakes to find a thought in her head. This leads tlie pretty flirt, who has been pursuing Harlequin for five hundred years, into the arms of a stodgy professor, who whisks her away for a "mortarboard" marriage. Harlequin, always so concerned with himself, is rocked out of his boredom by the discovery that he has a broken heart. With the aid of his friend. Pierrot. Harlequin recaptures for a fleeting instant what he loves, but has he truly learned that, when we change what we most desire, we destroy it? Only Columbine knows the answer, and she will nevtr tell. THE APOLLO OF BELLAC COMEDY Adapted by MAURICE VALENCY From the French of Jean Giraudoux 9 males, 3 females — Interior Here, in long one-act form, is the quintessence of Giraudoux' extraor- dinary imagination and style. The scene is set in an Otticc of Inventions. (Typical invention: a book that reads itself.) A shy girl comes for a job. She is ignored, until a nondescript little man from the town of Bellac comes to her aid. He demonstrates that she can have her way with any man if she will, upon meeting him, declare that he is handsome and compare him to the statue of the Apollo of Bellac (non-existent). This the does, beginning hesitantly with the clerk and working up most suc- cessfully to the Chairman of the Board. The play is alive with wry and trenchant observations. Moral: "The best career for a female is to be a woman." (Royalty, $25.00) A RESOUNDING TINKLE COMEDY-1 ACT By N. F. SIMPSON 1 male, 2 females — Interior It would be wrong to say that nothing surprises the Paradocks, Bro and Middle. It's just that they take in their stride the things that would surprise us. The elephant in their garden, for instance, has actually been ordered, but this year the shop has made a mistake and sent the wrong size. Quite obviously they must find a name for it — shall they call it Mr. Trench for the sixth year in succession? — or should they swap it with a neighbor for a boa-constrictor, even if the latter does need lengthening. The arrival of Uncle Ted does cause Middle to raise her eyebrows momentarily, for he has become bored with being a he and is now an elegantly dressed young woman for a change. Because their social habits are different from ours — you are not offered a drink by these Paradocks but a read for refreshments — their talk satirizes the life of suburbia, and is the intervals of amusing, turns a mildly disconcerting eye on all of us (Royalty, $10.00.) #177 HANDBOOK for THEATRICAL APPRENTICES By Dorothy Lee Tompkins Here is a common sense book on theatre, fittingly sub- titled, "A Practical Guide in AJl Phases of Theatre." Miss Tompkins has wisely left art to the artists and written a book which deals only with the practical side of the thea- tre. All the jobs of the theatre are categorized, from the star to the person who sells soft drinks at intermission. Each job is defined, and its basic responsibilities given in detail. An invaluable manual for every theatre group in explaining to novices the duties of apprenticeship, and in reassessing its own organizational structure and functions. "If you are an apprentice or are just aspiring in any ca- pacity, then you'U want to read and own Dorothy Lee Tompkins' A HANDBOOK FOR THEATRICAL AP- PRENTICES. It should be required reading for any drama student anywhere and is a natural for the amateur in any phase of the theatre." — George Freedley, Morning Tele- graph "It would be helpful if the HANDBOOK FOR THEAT- RICAL APPRENTICES were in school or theatrical library to be used during each production as a guide to aU participants." — Florence E. Hill, Dramatics Magazine. HERE'S HOW A Basic Stagecraft Book THOROUGHLY REVISED AND ENLARGED by HERBERT V. HAKE COV£RINO 59 topics on the essentials of sUgecr&ft (13 of them brand new). Here's How meets a very real need in the educational theater. It gives to di- rectors and others concerned with the technical aspects of play production a complete and graphic explanation of ways of handling fundamental stage- craft problems. The book is exceptional on several counts. It not only treats every topic thoroughly, but does so in an easy- to-read style every layman can understand. Most im- portant, it is prepared in such a way that for every topic there is a facing page of illustrations (original drawings and photographs) — thus giving the reader a complete graphic presentation of the topic along with the textual description of the topic. Because of the large type, the large size of the pages (9" X 12"), and the flexible metal binding, Here't How will lie flat when opened and can be laid on a work- bench for a director to read while in a standing posi- tion. for Tournament Use I < I a O .s O HAPPY JOURNEY. THE ANTIC SPRING RED KEY. THE STOLEN IDENTITY HAN IN THE BOWLER HAT TWELVE POUND LOOK SUNDAY COSTS FIVE PESOS ONE OF US SUGAR AND SPICE AFTERWARDS WEDDING. A STOLEN PRINCE. THE LOST PRINCESS. THE TWO CROOKS AND A LADY SPARKiN' SHALL WE JOIN THE LADIES? OLD LADY SHOWS HER MEDALS MONKEY'S PAW. THE PINK AND PATCHES HELLO OUT THERE FINDERS KEEPERS DEAR DEPARTED. THE CURTAIN. THE DOCTOR DECIDES. THE ISBN 0 573 62550 0 D00318576U DUKE UNIVERSITY DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA 27706