Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 in 2010 with funding from 
 Duke University Libraries 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/underwhichkingnoOOjohn 
 
D UKE UNIVERSIT Y 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 The Glenn Negley Collection 
 of Utopian Literature 
 
UNDEE WHICH KING? 
 
 % llobel. 
 
 W M JOHNSTON, M.P. 
 
 LONDON : 
 TINSLEY BROTHERS, 8, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND. 
 
 1873. 
 
loxdon : 
 bradbury, agnew, & co., printers, whitefriars 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 
 CHAP. 
 
 I. THE 3RD OF SEPTEMBER, 1C87 
 
 II. LITTLE ANNIE . 
 
 III. THE STORY OF THE GILBERTS . 
 
 IV. GHOSTS . 
 
 V. SOMETHING ABOUT THE HARRINGTONS . 
 
 VI. DUBLIN CASTLE . 
 
 VII. "THE ENGLISH OAK." . 
 
 VIII. HOPES AND FEARS . 
 
 IX. CHARLOTTE HARRINGTON SPEAKS A BIT OF 
 MIND ..... 
 
 x. MR. peter wharton's story 
 
 XI. THINGS GREAT AND SMALL 
 
 XII. WOLFLAND . 
 
 XIII. SHANE O'NEIL .... 
 
 XIV. GOOSEBERRY GATHERING 
 XV. AN UNJUST JUDGE 
 
 XVI. OMENS . 
 
 XVII. LIGHT ..... 
 
 XVIII. LOVE . 
 
 XIX. THE SHUTTING OF THE GATES . 
 
 XX. EXITS . . . . . 
 
 XXI. ULSTER DOINGS .... 
 
 XXII. CONCERNING THE PROGRESS OF THINGS 
 
 PAGE 
 1 
 9 
 13 
 20 
 28 
 37 
 41 
 47 
 
 55 
 
 63 
 
 71 
 
 81 
 
 89 
 
 97 
 
 108 
 
 118 
 
 126 
 
 137 
 
 144 
 
 154 
 
 102 
 
 171 
 
VI 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAP. PAGE 
 
 XXIII. THE PRINCE OP ORANGE . . . 1S1 
 
 XXIV. BEFORE THE STORM . . . 191 
 XXV. SIR ARTHUR RAWDON . . . .199 
 
 XXVI. COMING AND GOING . . . . . 207 
 
 XXVII. THE RECTOR OP DONAGHMORE . . . 214 
 
 XXVIII. THE COUNCIL OF DERRY AND ITS CANNONS . 222 
 
 XXIX. ANNIE AND CHARLOTTE . . . 233 
 
 XXX. MURRAY AND MAUMONT . . . . 241 
 
 XXXI. THE CRIMSON BANNER . . . . 250 
 
 XXXII. WITHIN THE WALLS .... 257 
 
 XXXIII. TO THE MEMORY OF DE ROSEN . . . 266 
 
 XXXIV. DELIVERANCE ..... 274 
 XXXV. NORTH AND SOUTH . . . . . 285 
 
 XXXVI. THE DELIVERER .... 294 
 
UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 THE 3RD OF SEPTEMBER, 1687. 
 
 " Well, Master Elijah Brown, what thinkest 
 thou of the times ? " 
 
 ' : The times are in the Lord's hand, young 
 man," replied the person addressed. 
 
 " Verily, it may be so ; it doubtless is ; but 
 there is little of the Lord's hand visible of 
 late." 
 
 " Speak not with light and heedless tongue 
 if the Lord's hand, Jasper Harrington. It will 
 be seen one of these days ; ay, speedily ; to 
 the confusion of Babylon's hosts, and the sal- 
 vation of the chosen people." 
 
 " Thou ever talkest so, Master Brown, but 
 thou canst not make others think so. There is 
 
 y 
 
2 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 not another Oliver in the store-house, I'm 
 thinking." 
 
 "Hush, Jasper Harrington ! He died on 
 this day. Bethink thee that this is the 3rd 
 day of September." 
 
 " Nay, I mean no slight to your Lord Pro- 
 tector, now nine-and-twenty years dead, Master 
 Blown. I but wish that we were back in his 
 time, or that he were forward in ours." 
 
 " Eight enough, Jasper Harrington ; right 
 enough. This Dick Talbot — it is not I that 
 shall call him Lord Tyrconnel — would not have 
 dared to treat the army as he has done, the 
 Pa pish rogue that he is ! " 
 
 " And I would not have been sent home, 
 here, in disgrace, Master Brown, and my 
 commission given to one of this Talbot's 
 Papishers," said the young man, the red flush 
 of angry blood mounting up to his temples, 
 and his clenched fist coming down on the plain 
 table that stood in the centre of Master Elijah 
 Brown's little room. 
 
 And then he went out, and walked 
 up and down, opposite the door ; his head 
 bent forward, and his eyes fixed on the 
 ground. 
 
THE THIRD OF SEPTEMBER, 1687. 3 
 
 He heeded not the twitter of the swallows 
 that were chasing the flies, under the large 
 plane tree, at the gable ; nor the chirping of 
 the sparrows, quarrelling over some scattered 
 ears of wheat lying beneath the window. 
 
 At which window old Elijah Brown was 
 standing, contemplating Jasper's movements 
 with, fixed and attentive eye. 
 
 So it seemed, at least ; though, if the truth 
 were known, perhaps Jasper Harrington was 
 not then in his thoughts at all. Perhaps they 
 were away to that day, at Whitehall, when 
 "his most serene and renowned Highness, 
 Oliver, Lord Protector," after fourteen days' 
 sickness, at three in the afternoon, passed the 
 gate of death. 
 
 For an old soldier of this Oliver was Master 
 Elijah Brown. 
 
 He had come over with him to Ireland, in 
 the good ship John, and had witnessed the 
 demonstrations of joy with which his arrival in 
 Dublin was hailed on that 15th August, 1649. 
 He had heard the shout of delivered Protest- 
 ants on that dav— " We will live and die with 
 you." Dying had been very much the fashion 
 of late years with poor Irish Protestants ; but 
 
 B 2 
 
4 UNDER WHICH KING i 
 
 Oliver had come as Lord-Lieutenant to try and 
 put an end to that state of things. 
 
 He still held to his idea that this Oliver was 
 a just and true man ; much maligned, and 
 grievously slandered by the Popish and Stuart 
 faction ; but still honest, and even considerate 
 towards the very Papists themselves. 
 
 In proof of this, he had preserved an old 
 copy of Oliver's first proclamation, or "Decla- 
 ration," as it was called, which began thus : — 
 
 "Whereas I am informed that, upon the 
 marching out of the Armies, heretofore, or of 
 parties from garrisons, a liberty hath been 
 taken by the soldiers to abuse, rob, and pillage, 
 and too often to execute cruelties upon the 
 country people : being resolved, by the grace of 
 God, diligently and strictly to restrain such 
 wickedness for the future, I do hereby warn 
 and require all officers, soldiers, and others 
 under my command, henceforth to forbear all 
 .such evil practices as aforesaid ; and not to do 
 any wrong or violence toward country people, or 
 persons whatsoever, unless they be actually in 
 arms or office with the enemy ; and not to 
 meddle with the goods of such, without special 
 order. " 
 
THE THIRD OF SEPTEMBER, 1867. o 
 
 Master Elijah Brown had heard, from men 
 and women who had suffered cruelly, the deeds 
 of Irish Papists in 1641. Just before going 
 with Oliver to the siege of Tredah (or Drog 
 heda), great talk had been among the soldiery 
 of that time. Elijah had learned that the 
 principal Popish ecclesiastics had met early in 
 October in the Abbey of Multifernam, in 
 Westmeath. He had been informed how, in 
 this old Franciscan abbey, the death of the 
 English Protestants was decided on by the said 
 ecclesiastics. 
 
 And all the rest of the story followed. 
 
 Death by burning, death by stabbing, death 
 by hunger, death by cold and nakedness. 
 Women cut and hacked at barbarously, in too 
 brutal and cruel a way to be told in later 
 days. Children, if let live at all, fainting and 
 dying under hedges and walls, in ghastliness 
 of fear and famine. And the sum of all, a 
 hundred thousand Protestants, probably, done 
 to death. 
 
 Not much did it make Elijah Brown love 
 the Stuarts, that all this was done in the name 
 of King Charles ; not much did it tend to 
 make him favour the priesthood, that in all 
 
6 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 this the priesthood led the way, following their 
 Archbishop of Armagh. 
 
 If any man referred to the taking of Tredah 
 and Wexford, as proof that Cromwell was other 
 than just and true, Elijah Brown would ask, 
 " What more could the Lord -Lieutenant have 
 done than offer them mercy?" And then 
 he would add, solemnly, " But it was of the 
 Lord to harden their hearts, that they should 
 come against Israel in battle, that he might 
 destroy them utterly, and that they might 
 have no favour, but that he might destroy 
 them/' 
 
 And as, every year, the 3rd of September 
 returned, he hallowed in his memory Oliver's 
 death-day- And at quiet moments his thoughts 
 would return to the time when " the great 
 Protector and Patron of the Evangelical Pro- 
 fession " lay, in Whitehall, dead. 
 
 So, in truth, Jasper Harrington was not in 
 his thoughts as he appeared to be watching 
 him from the window. 
 
 Nor was he aware, till Jasper touched his 
 arm, that the young man had returned to the 
 house. 
 
 " I tell thee, Master Elijah, the Protestants 
 
THE THIRD OF SEPTEMBER, 1687. 7 
 
 will suffer one of these days at the hands of 
 this Tyrconnel." 
 
 " And the bloody-minded Stuart, his master," 
 added Brown. 
 
 "A nice way they are going on in Eng- 
 land ! Thou hast heard of the famous French 
 Protestant minister, Claude. Well, thou must 
 know he writ a book concerning the horrid 
 massacres and barbarous proceedings of the 
 French king against his Protestant subjects. I 
 happened to be over in London, Master Elijah 
 Brown, last May year, and passing the Ex- 
 change, when, after proclamation made, that 
 pious man s book was burned by the hands of 
 the common hangman." 
 
 " By the king's order ? " 
 
 " Doubtless." 
 
 "Well, Jasper Harrington, see what the 
 Eestoration has done for thee." 
 
 Jasper was silent. He and old Brown used 
 to have some arguments on this score. JasjXT 
 was a loyalist, and in the army, and naturally 
 took the side of the Kino;. 
 
 But Jasper had now been deprived of his 
 commission. The army of seven thousand 
 Irish Protestants had been disbanded, and their 
 
8 UNDER WHICH KING ? 
 
 places supplied by myrmidons of Tyrconnel. 
 May not Jasper be pardoned if he felt a little 
 less loyal to King James than heretofore ? 
 
 At last he said, — ■ 
 
 " Why, I couldn't turn Papist, you see, like 
 your John Milton's brother, or I might have 
 done well enough." 
 
 " Speak not of it, Jasper. My heart is sore 
 to think that the brother of one who was 
 worthy of great honour should seek the favour 
 of kings by joining the idolatries of the Mass." 
 
 " I suppose it will be traitorous, in a while, 
 to talk against the Mass ? " said Jasper ; "so 
 have a care, Master Brown ! Good clergy 
 have been silenced for saying some hard things 
 against the Papistry, in the churches, already." 
 
 The old man looked at Jasper rather sternly, 
 it may be, as he took his hand preparatory 
 to departing. 
 
 "And thinkest thou, Jasper Harrington," he 
 said, "that Elijah Brown, an old soldier of the 
 Lord's host, would cease to talk against the 
 Mass, because it misliked a Stuart ? For 
 shame, Jasper ; for shame." 
 
CHAPTER II. 
 
 LITTLE ANNIE. 
 
 " Where's Jasper ? Is lie away ? " 
 
 Master Elijah Brown looked, silently, at the 
 questioner. 
 
 Her eager face was upturned towards his. 
 Her light blue eyes, after searching the room 
 in every corner, rested, with impatient glance, 
 on the somewhat stern face of her grandfather. 
 
 She looked flushed and warm, and her hair, 
 thrown back over her shoulders, showed plainly 
 that she had been hurrying on to the cottage, 
 with the wind, if not the tide, against her. 
 
 She had come in with a smile on that eager 
 
 o 
 
 face of hers ; a smile of intended welcome for 
 some one. 
 
 The smile died away on the eager face, but 
 the eyes still looked up. It might be, how- 
 ever, that there was a little tremor in the 
 
10 UNDER WHICH KING ? 
 
 voice, and a slight quiver of the lip, as she 
 asked, for the second time, — 
 
 " "Where's Jasper, grandfather 1 ? " 
 
 " Gone ! " replied the old man, still looking 
 at her. 
 
 Annie Wharton dropped her eyes to the 
 ground, and then turned away. 
 
 Here was Jasper gone, after all her hurried 
 race to meet him ; and there seemed to have 
 lie en some hot talk between her grandfather 
 and him, too. 
 
 What was she to do ? 
 
 Poor little maiden of sixteen, with such 
 ■weighty cares and troubles upon her shoulders ! 
 
 What she did was to breathe out a long and 
 deep sigh, and to gaze, in dreamy fashion, out 
 of the little window. 
 
 Her pet blackbird in its wicker cage was 
 plaintively chanting to the setting sun ; and 
 the gilding rays of the evening were setting- 
 alight the plane leaves, changing somewhat 
 now in the early autumn. 
 
 There was a breeze among the leaves, and 
 little dancing sparkles of golden light dropped 
 down, around the bird and the song. And the 
 evening light and the evening song enticed the 
 
LITTLE ANNIE. 11 
 
 little maiden from the window ; and she went 
 out, with her basket-chair, to sit under the 
 tree, and dream and sigh. 
 
 Poor little maiden ! Well for thee that some 
 of thy strong-minded sisters were not at hand, 
 to administer to thee severe and wise-like 
 rebukes for that most absurd and childish 
 silliness of thine ! 
 
 At this time of day, there are those of the 
 sisterhood who would come under the plane- 
 tree, where the blackbird has not ceased its 
 singing, and stop thy sighing with a box on 
 the ear ! 
 
 And it was stopped, in even a stranger 
 fashion. For there came a low, laughing: 
 chuckle into the maiden's ear, as a hand was 
 heavily laid upon her shoulder. 
 
 And, after the chuckle, there came a queer 
 sort of mumbling voice, that it would have 
 pained any one to listen to. 
 
 It had a wail of woe in it ; an echo of some 
 far-off misery, that kept repeating itself, ever, 
 down years, and years, and years. 
 
 It had an autumnal sound in it ; like dead 
 leaves falling upon the grave of a little child. 
 
 And, as it fell upon Annie's ear, it made her 
 
12 i m»i;i; WHICH KING ? 
 
 start and shiver, as if she had been touched 
 with the tips of Death's icy fingers. 
 
 She dared not go in ; dared not even movi 
 t r. oil her seat; and was afraid to look round at 
 the thing weirdly whispering behind her. 
 
 Down over her shoulders fell its long, white, 
 dishevelled hair, and closer and closer came its 
 breath; as, touching the young girl's fac 
 head of something came and said, in a sorl oi 
 whispering scream, — 
 
 " I saw them in hell." 
 
 And tli.it was the la>t little Annie heard that 
 night. 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE STORY OF THE GILBERTS. 
 
 There stood a pretty cottage, among tall 
 ash and sycamore trees, where the rooks came, 
 cawing, all the year. From far away fields, 
 where the farmers had been busy with their 
 potato crop, the rooks had come home, one 
 evening in the end of October, just six and 
 forty years before. Their thick, hard bills had 
 been buried in the earth, and many a small 
 potato and many a worm had been accounted 
 for, that day, by the inmates of Mcrryvale 
 rookery. 
 
 And they had risen from the field of Dr 
 Maxwell, the good rector of Tynan, as the sun 
 was going down, and had come, with their 
 glossy black wings shining in the evening 
 light, to the old trees of their home. 
 
 Pretty Mary Gilbert had watched their 
 
14 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 coming home, and looked up at them, as they 
 came wheeling down through the air, and pois- 
 ing themselves, at last, on the topmost twigs. 
 She had a sort of liking for the rude music of 
 the birds, as they did their very best, after 
 their hoarse fashion ; and she would hardly 
 have exchanged the noisy clamour of the 
 rookery for some quieter cottage than Merry- 
 vale. 
 
 She watched the last rook alighting, and 
 listened for the last "caw;" and then she 
 went in. The birds in the rookery were hardly 
 asleep, with their big heads under their wings, 
 when Mary's head was laid upon her plump 
 and rounded arm, and her dark eyes closed in 
 slumber. 
 
 And now the wind sighed and moaned 
 among the trees, in fitful, sobbing gusts. And 
 the tall ashes moved backwards and forwards, 
 less quietly and with fresher energy, each mo- 
 ment. Among the branches, the rooks, raising 
 ; Aving now and then to balance themselves, 
 held on bravely, nor heeded much the gathering 
 gustiness of the storm. 
 
 In the heaven, the bright stars went out, 
 one by one. Some of the brightest of them 
 
THE STORY OF THE GILBERTS. 15 
 
 struggled for a while with their fate, and 
 glimmered at intervals, through the thickening 
 clouds. But at last eveiy star in heaven put 
 off its robes of light, and covered itself with 
 mourning. 
 
 Then there broke out, instead of heaven's 
 lights, a red and forked pyramid of flame. 
 And it went upwards, towards the sky, in 
 angry hell-pants, sometimes over and some- 
 times under a black volume of smoke, that 
 seemed rising from some infernal forges, where 
 chains were being made to bind in slavery im- 
 mortal souls for ever. 
 
 Over Mary there came a hot and feverish 
 dream. Her breath came thick and fast, and 
 her hands, moving half convulsively, tried to 
 push back some heavy oppression alighting on 
 her fair and rounded bosom. 
 
 Uneasily she tossed from side to side, nor 
 felt chilled by the wild October wind. 
 
 For she dreamt that she was going down 
 into one of those awful burning mountains, 
 which she had heard of; and that great black 
 shapes were rolling hot piles of rock upon her 
 poor defenceless form. And, in mortal agony, 
 she awoke at last, screaming, — 
 
16 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 "Don't! Oh! don't!" 
 
 And she sprang out of bed, half crazed with 
 terror, as the red light glared in through the 
 window : and her scream was answered by a 
 mockino; shout, and a burst of cruel and 
 exultant laughter. 
 
 And then she rushed to the door, calling., — 
 
 " Father ! Mother ! " 
 
 But there came not a voice of mother or 
 father, in reply. For the wind was fierce 
 without, and the suffocating smoke was within, 
 and they were slumbering away their lives, 
 unknowing that Death was there. 
 
 With despairing energy, Mary Gilbert burst 
 into their room, and, shaking her father's arm, 
 cried in tones of terror, — 
 
 " Wake up ; the house is burning ! " 
 
 First to hear and awaken was the mother. 
 
 "My Nelly, and my little Bob !" she cried, 
 throwing a counterpane over the boy, and 
 seizing the girl by the hand, as she lay in her 
 little bed. 
 
 " We're in for it, Nelly; God's will be done ! " 
 exclaimed John Gilbert, discerning at a glance 
 that the house was burning overhead, and that 
 the roof would soon fall in. 
 
THE STORY OF THE GILBERTS. 17 
 
 And then he hurried them all to the door, 
 and sought to gain the open air. 
 
 It was in vain. 
 
 The door had been fastened securely, and it 
 was impossible to open it. 
 
 Again John Gilbert tried it, for little Bob 
 was crying piteously, and was coughing inces- 
 santly from the suffocating smoke, which made 
 it almost impossible to live and breathe. 
 
 But it was useless to try; and it was 
 maddening to try in vain, when the wife and 
 children of his love were looking for life to 
 his efforts to reach the night air. And this 
 last time there came, mocking him, four figures, 
 that the red fire showed dancing delightedly, 
 with a jeering — 
 
 "Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!" 
 
 Then John Gilbert, looking a moment at his 
 wife, said,— 
 
 "The other door!" 
 
 And they all crowded after him as he ran to 
 the back of the house. 
 
 A stack of turf, built at the back and close 
 to the wall of the house, had concealed this 
 door from the view of those without. 
 
 It opened, and there seemed room to pass 
 
18 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 between the turf stack and the wall, and so 
 escape to a wood that was just at hand. 
 
 Cautiously and stealthily they passed along, 
 and were getting free of the house, when little 
 Bob, in childish glee at his escape, began to 
 clap his hands and shout. 
 
 And then there arose out of the darkness a 
 yell of savage fury, as round the house came 
 pouring a hundred demoniac forms. 
 
 With pike, and hatchet, and pitchfork, they 
 sought to drive back the fugitives into the 
 names ; and seemed unwilling, not that they 
 should die, but that they should have a choice 
 of deaths. 
 
 " A hand, Nelly ; farewell ! " 
 
 And John Gilbert knelt down, in the hope 
 that, by his death, he might bring life to 
 those he loved. 
 
 For he could not think that these dark 
 figures would spare neither woman nor child ! 
 
 "Kill him! Kill the heretic!" they 
 shouted, as, piked and hacked in every limb, 
 John Gilbert bent his head, and died. 
 
 " Kill the she-serpent ! Kill her ! " 
 
 And the mother, too, knelt, not for herself, 
 but for her child. 
 
THE STORY OF THE GILBERTS. 19 
 
 "Kill nie, but don't touch the child," she 
 cried, in piteous prayer. 
 
 And then, to show what they thought of a 
 mother's love, and how they had a care for it, 
 they killed the child, and spared the mother, 
 till they had laid in her arms the bruised and 
 bloody thing that, but a short while ago, was 
 her little living boy ! 
 
 And little Nelly lay down dead, beside her 
 father, and her mother, and the child. 
 
 Mary Gilbert lay down, but not dead, though 
 they thought she was. 
 
 And, the next day, there arose a poor maniac, 
 with white hair, and wild and wandering eyes. 
 Ever since that October night, in 1641, she 
 had been wandering over the North, pitied by 
 every Protestant, for all knew her story ; and 
 the burden of her wail was ever, — 
 
 " I saw them in hell ! " 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 GHOSTS. 
 
 And it was this poor Mary Gilbert that 
 frightened little Annie Wharton nearly out of 
 her senses. 
 
 She verily believed that a spirit had spoken 
 to her ; and therefore she went into a wild 
 fever, after her fainting fit was over. 
 
 " silly little girl," you say ; " what a 
 wonderfully foolish little thing it was, to believe 
 in ghosts and spirits ! " 
 
 Was she so % 
 
 The country was talking even then of the 
 trial that had taken place, in Downpatrick, two 
 years ago, when learned judges had before them 
 witnesses who swore to the appearance of 
 Loslins ghost. It had been told by one of 
 the witnesses, in Annie's hearing, how he had 
 been carried out of his house into a field near 
 
GHOSTS. 21 
 
 at hand by the ghost ; how he felt that she 
 was coming to call him ; and how, though held 
 hard by loving friends, the ghost took him out 
 of their hands, and sent him to swear before 
 the judges, at the assizes of Downpatrick. 
 
 And then the story of Haddock's ghost was 
 told. 
 
 Annie Wharton listened earnestly, with 
 elbows leant on the table, to the tale of the 
 queer white-coated man, who went away in a 
 great storm, in which were heard strange, un- 
 earthly yellings, and noises of all hideous sorts 
 
 " Little fool ! " 
 
 Very well ; be it so. But, venerable and 
 most respected sir, or ancient and sceptical 
 madam, everybody in those days was not just 
 as wise as you are now. Perhaps even yourself 
 would have been just ever so little superstitious, 
 if you had lived in 1685, with Judge London, 
 who had sworn testimony given before him 
 about Loslin's ghost. 
 
 And, as for Haddock's white spectre, when 
 " all wise and good men did believe the story," 
 especially Dr. Jeremy Taylor, Bishop of Down 
 and Connor, and Bichard Baxter, a man whose 
 name some people will know, there is some 
 
22 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 excuse for this silly little body, that her fancies 
 and her fears sent her into a faint and a 
 fever. 
 
 For she had just come running home from a 
 neighbour's cottao-e, where the stories had been 
 told, in time to miss Jasper Harrington. Indeed, 
 it was the breathless interest with which she 
 had been listening to the tidings, that had 
 caused her to be late in reaching her grand- 
 father's cottage. 
 
 For Charlotte Harrington had told her that 
 Jasper intended going over to see her grand- 
 father, that evening ; and she had fully intended 
 being at home. 
 
 But then came those unfortunate ghost stories, 
 and Annie forgot all about Jasper's visit, till 
 the lengthening shadows warned her that she 
 ought to have been at home, long ago, if she 
 expected to meet Harrington. 
 
 And so she bounded over green, grassy em- 
 bankments, and, at infinite risk of scratching 
 her hands, forced her way through thorn hedges, 
 in most furious haste. 
 
 Cows, standing leisurely in the green fields, 
 turned their heads to watch her ; and a couple 
 of dogs ran out, intending to bark at her, but, 
 
GHOSTS. 23 
 
 when they saw who it was, they only wagged 
 their tails. 
 
 After all, she was too late. Jasper was gone. 
 There was nothing but the song of the black- 
 bird to console her ; and, somehow, even that 
 took this evening a sort of ghostly sound, and 
 chimed in but too well with the white spectres 
 that, she was beginning to fancy, were dancing 
 among the sycamore leaves. 
 
 They began to dance round Jasper Harring 
 ton and her, and to carry them away into 
 ghost-land ; and they joined hands in un- 
 earthly circle, and chanted drearily and 
 dismally. 
 
 And, in the midst of all this, came that woe- 
 ful voice ! Chiming in with her thoughts came 
 that weird wail; and the long white tresses, 
 and the icy touch, and the fearful speech of the 
 poor wounded being, were far too spirit-like for 
 little Annie to resist their power ; for she was — 
 could such a thing be imagined in this very 
 wise age ? — a poor, weak, timid, and silly little 
 maiden. 
 
 So she fell down, fainting, under the tree, 
 seeing not the weird figure standing over 
 her. 
 
24 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 And seeing not Jasper Harrington, who had 
 returned to bid Elijah Brown farewell, as he 
 had resolved on going up to Dublin, to see if 
 he could not better his fate, with Lord Tyr- 
 connel. 
 
 " What is this ? What ails her ? " he cried, 
 stooping to raise the girl, and gently lifting her 
 in his arms. 
 
 " Woman, what meaneth this mad freak 1 " 
 hoarsely muttered old Elijah, looking fiercely at 
 the maniac. 
 
 " Poor body, she wotteth not of ill," said Jas- 
 per, moving away from her, nevertheless, with 
 his burden. 
 
 " Eight, Jasper ; it beseemeth not to say hard 
 things to poor Mary ; God wot she has been 
 sorely dealt with." 
 
 By this time Jasper had reached the door, 
 and bending so as to move Annie as gently as 
 possible, he carried her in, and laid her on her 
 snowy bed. 
 
 Then, without more ado, he took up a bowl 
 of clear spring water, and sprinkled her face, 
 watching eagerly her eyes, in hope that they 
 would open and smile on him. 
 
 At last they opened, but did not smile on 
 
GHOSTS. 25 
 
 him ; and Jasper sat down dolefully, wondering 
 why. 
 
 Old Elijah brought in a light, and set it down, 
 and was troubled as he saw the vacant stare of 
 his child. Stern old Puritan as he was, he was 
 ready to sob ; and would, doubtless, had the 
 young man not been in the room. 
 
 In this respect he was like so many of us ! 
 We are sad, and would weep, but will not, for 
 we are not alone. No deep sorrow seeks a 
 sharer. Little shallow griefs in shallow hearts 
 may seek sympathy ; and weak minds may 
 derive a sort of comfort from an exhibition of 
 their tears. But the great strong heart, that 
 knoweth its own bitterness, and that people call 
 callous, because not asked into its inner cham- 
 bers, will never throw open its windows, nor 
 invite spectators, when there is sorrow there, 
 and, it may be, dark drapery of death. 
 
 And when Annie spoke, at last, it was not 
 in her wonted merry tones. It was in fear and 
 terror, — 
 
 "Oh! the ghost! Take me away! Save 
 me!" 
 
 She did not see anything, nor did the others, 
 till she spoke ; and then, for the first time, they 
 
2G UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 saw that poor Mary had come after them into 
 the room, and was standing, or rather crouching, 
 at the foot of the bed. 
 
 Elijah Brown looked at Jasper imploringly. 
 
 Now Jasper was loth to leave, till some im- 
 provement had taken place in the little grand- 
 daughter. But he saw clearly that it would 
 never do to allow poor Mary to stay there, and, 
 perhaps, frighten Annie's wits out, if she 
 beo;an to revive. 
 
 So he reluctantly rose to leave the room, 
 beckoning to the poor maniac to follow him, 
 which she did. 
 
 And then she laid her hand on his arm, and 
 looked into his face, Avhispering, — 
 
 " She'll die ! " 
 
 " God forbid ! " exclaimed Jasper. 
 
 "Ay, ay!" 
 
 " You're crazed, Mary." 
 
 "Ay, ay!" 
 
 " Poor Mary Gilbert," said Jasper, pityingly. 
 
 " Owen O'Neil's in hell." 
 
 ■ Owen O'Neil ? " 
 
 "Ay, ay." 
 
 " Good gracious ! and it is his son that has 
 got my commission, too; and my Lord Tyr- 
 
GHOSTS. 27 
 
 connel dismisses a loyal Protestant to make way 
 for the son of the man who had murdered the 
 Gilberts!" 
 
 So Jasper angrily exclaimed. And the poor 
 demented woman, not knowing why or where- 
 fore, kept going on, after her fashion, — ■ 
 
 " Ay, ay ! I saw them in hell !" 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 SOMETHING ABOUT THE HARRINGTONS. 
 
 Jasper Harrington was right. It was the 
 son of Owen O'Neil who had been appointed, 
 by Lord Tyrconnel, to fill his vacant place. 
 Now, Jasper's father, Captain William Harring- 
 ton, had been in battle against this Owen 
 O'Neil, when Owen was fresh in rebellion and 
 murder. 
 
 Captain Harrington had come over from 
 Devonshire, to serve under Colonel Arthur 
 Chichester ; being of warlike taste and affec- 
 tions ; very loyal to the Stuarts ; and deeming 
 that he might gratify both taste and loyalty by 
 taking service in Ireland. 
 
 He was some sort of cousin, also, to Colonel 
 Chichester's mother. The Coplestone blood 
 ran in his veins, and he was rather proud of 
 this. And, of course, being related to Colonel 
 
•SOMETHING ABOUT THE HARRINGTONS. 29 
 
 Chichester, and taking service under him ]le 
 was with him when Colonel Chichester marched 
 Irom Carnckfergus to Lisnegarvy, in 1641 
 . He Was with h ™, «fe 0> when Owen (Weil 
 joined Sir Phelim, and the other rebel chiefs 
 who with eight or nine thousand men, recruited 
 in Armagh, Tyrone, Antrim, and Down en- 
 camped on the 27th November, at Brookhill 
 
 tI?o^/ r ° m Lis " W- At night-fall, on 
 that 27th November, Colonel Chichester's troop 
 and a company of foot came into Lisnegarvy 
 to the succour of the little garrison ' 
 
 And that little garrison needed succour. 
 Hie newly raised companies of which it con- 
 sisted were poor stript men, that had made 
 then escape from the rebels ; and had in mind 
 recent horrid deeds of massacre and murder- 
 women's and children's cries, in death-agony 
 
 Death dropped gallant Captain Boyd into 
 Harrington's arms, just as Lisnegarvy was 
 gamed And there was night fighting, by the 
 Ught of the burning Lisnegarvy houses, in 
 which the rebels got the worst of it; bard 
 night fighting it must have been, and with some 
 success on the part of the Protestants, for 
 dead white faces of the foe, some three times 
 
30 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 as many as their adversaries, looked up to 
 heaven, each for a grave next morning. 
 
 Just before Sir Phelim O'Neil and his 
 scoundrels stole off that night — for they did 
 steal off, in the dark — a shot lamed Harrington 
 for life. He was nearly frozen to death, too, 
 where he fell ; for the intense frost, coming 
 into his bed of snow, took all power of moving 
 from him. 
 
 That snow, which had heavily fallen, and got 
 melted, and got back into ice again, had, how- 
 ever, so much helped the gallant troopers in 
 their fighting, that he could not find it in his 
 heart to say a repining word. And it was a 
 new thing, verily, for icy streets to help 
 troopers against foot soldiers ; }'et so it was. 
 For the smiths had been frosting the horses all 
 night to good purpose ;. while the brogues of 
 the rebels, not being good for skating, helped 
 them to slip under feet of horses and blow of 
 swords. 
 
 This was all piously narrated to Jasper, long 
 after. 
 
 Captain William Harrington had brought a 
 wife from England, about the time of the Resto- 
 ration, and had comfortably settled down on 
 
SOMETHING ABOUT THE HAERINGTONS. 31 
 
 small property lie had received, in justice to his 
 services, through the representation of Colonel 
 Chichester, then Earl of Donegal. This pro- 
 perty was not very far from the town of Lisne- 
 garvy, or Lisburn ; and, nearly as often as the 
 good Captain went into the town, he would get 
 talking of the battle to little Jasper. 
 
 So it came to pass that all about it was well 
 known to him ; all about Sir Phelim and that 
 Owen O'Neil ; and all about the bloody deeds 
 done by the disappointed and baffled Papists, 
 when they wreaked their cruel vengeance upon 
 the poor Protestant prisoners they had kept 
 till then in Armagh, Tyrone, and elsewhere. 
 
 Jasper could not, therefore, be expected to 
 take very pleasantly his dismissal, to make way 
 for young Shane O'Neil. 
 
 So his sister, who kept house for him since 
 the deaths of his father and mother, four years 
 ago, had often to listen to his complaints and 
 grumblings. It has been seen, too, that Elijah 
 Brown had to listen to them. After three or 
 four times telling, each of these got slightly 
 tired of the subject, it must be confessed. And 
 Jasper could not write to a newspaper, to 
 complain of the hardship he endured 
 
32 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Newspapers were not in vogue then. There 
 had been a terrible rumpus kicked up, in 
 Dublin, when the little bits of things called 
 news-letters had been first printed there, in 
 July, 1685. When Lord Clarendon forbade 
 the printing of them, because they told un- 
 pleasant truths of his royal brother-in-law and 
 master, Jasper had managed to get two or three, 
 as curiosities, and still preserved them, for the 
 amusement of country-folks, who liked the 
 stories of royalty they told, ancient as those 
 were. 
 
 Need it be said that Elijah Brown liked 
 these stories especially ; and often took weapons 
 from this arsenal to fight Jasper's very loyal 
 prejudices in favour of the reigning race 1 He 
 liked to argue far better than to listen; and 
 Jasper, not having a newspaper to write to and 
 confide in, must often have been driven to 
 despair, if he had not seen that, in Elijah 
 Brown's cottage, there was one always ready to 
 hear his twice-told tale, and to afford her 
 ready sympathy. 
 
 Nothing cared the maiden for courts and 
 kings. They were far off, and not very large 
 looking nor important in the distance. 
 
SOMETHING ABOUT THE HARRINGTONS. 33 
 
 But Jasper was different. Jasper had always 
 walked and talked with her. Jasper was near ; 
 and she knew him. And so she cared for 
 Jasper's affair much ; though nothing for King- 
 James's. 
 
 That week that she was ill, Jasper did not 
 go to Dublin. He would not 2:0 till he could 
 tell her that he was going. 
 
 And one fine evening, in the middle of Sep- 
 tember, he walked over, as usual, to Master 
 Elijah's cottage. 
 
 As he knocked at the door, a low voice he 
 knew said, — 
 
 " Come in." 
 
 And in went Jasper, looking round the room, 
 but not saying that he was very sorry that he 
 did not see Master Brown. 
 
 Only saying this : — 
 
 " God bless you, Annie dear ! I'm glad you 
 are up again." 
 
 As he was doubtless. For he was an honest 
 soul, this Jasper ; although he had been a 
 soldier, and had seen a little of real courts, and 
 the Dublin mimic court. 
 
 A flush came into Annie's face, which was 
 not her wont, on meeting Jasper; for there 
 
34 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 had been nothing in the world of love between 
 these two, let it be understood. Never a word 
 had been spoken of this, since ever they knew 
 each other ; that was, as far at least as 
 Jasper was concerned, just sixteen years ago. 
 Of course it was a little less since the maiden 
 became acquainted with him ; for she could not 
 be supposed to have thought much about him 
 when her little fat hands were straying about 
 for something to warm them — mother's bosom 
 being, at that time, cold enough, in Lisburn 
 churchyard. 
 
 And, after the flush, there came more of 
 silence than usual. Was it that Annie did not 
 like to talk about that night? Was it that 
 Jasper did not care, somehow, to mention the 
 Dublin project ? It may have been for either, 
 or both, or neither of these reasons ; but it hap- 
 pened, at any rate, that there was very little, if 
 any, talking, till Master Elijah Brown came in. 
 
 Then both began to talk, and both wondered 
 that they did not talk before ; and both wished 
 ever so little, that he had stayed away* longer, 
 till they might have talked ; though it is very 
 doubtful if they would have said a word if he 
 had. 
 
SOMETHING ABOUT THE HARRINGTONS. 35 
 
 " When dost thou start for Dublin ? " was 
 the old man's question. 
 
 "To-morrow, I think." 
 
 Did Jasper see the flush on Annie's cheek ? 
 If he didn't, he might have wondered that she 
 bent down her head over her sewing, lower 
 than usual, instead of looking up in his face 
 with her bright questioning eyes. 
 
 Ah ! little Annie, you have made wonderful 
 progress in heart knowledge, since that night 
 you sat thinking of Jasper under the tree. Was 
 there any reason why, so often and often, you 
 should have asked to be told how he had 
 carried you in, and laid you gently down on 
 the bed ? How did it happen that, lying there, 
 in weakness, with shut eyes, thoughts of Jasper 
 Harrington came oftenest of any into that little 
 head ? How did it happen that, on first seeing 
 Jasper again, a blush came into the pretty face, 
 that never before had felt such a thing at sight 
 of him ? 
 
 Jasper thought that it was a little odd. But 
 
 he thought about it ; and the more he thought, 
 
 the more he liked to think of it. And that 
 
 night, going away home, with warm pressure 
 
 of the little fingers lingering on his, and memory 
 
 D 2 
 
36 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 of that blush for company, Jasper half wished 
 that he was not going to Dublin ; and he 
 thought — yes, that was the first time he 
 thought — would it ever happen that he should 
 have a wife ? And he wondered would his 
 wife be Annie Wharton 1 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 DUBLIN CASTLE. 
 
 But Jasper Harrington did go to Dublin. 
 
 And, first of all, what did he do ? Made a 
 purchase, in a shop hard by the Castle, for 
 Annie Wharton. 
 
 Made the purchase quietly and decently, too, 
 not swearing at the shopman, like a lady who 
 was in, buying; or, rather, taking away the 
 goods on credit, and never intending to pay 
 for them, since the shopman was a Protestant, 
 and she was Lady Eoss, my Lord Tyrconnel's 
 daughter. 
 
 When she had left, the shopman said, — 
 
 " The times are changed, sir, grievously, and 
 no one dares to speak of them/' 
 
 " So I hear, — indeed, so I know," replied 
 Jasper. 
 
 " We've got Tom Hackett for Lord Mayor, 
 
38 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 imd the new corporation will do King James's 
 bidding, doubtless, every way." 
 
 " Ay, doubtless," said Jasper, despondingiy ; 
 "had I known all, I might have spared my 
 journey." 
 
 " My Lord is far worse since lie came home 
 from Chester," said the merchant, in a Avhisper. 
 
 "Is it so?" 
 
 " Truly, yes ; and the Protestant officers 
 that were left till then, have been sent off, 
 yesterday." 
 
 " It seems, then, that King James looks with 
 favour on all this, since Lord Tyrconnel has 
 not mended, having seen his Majesty." 
 
 " Mended ? Ha ! ha ! Dick Talbot mend ! " 
 said a voice behind Jasper. 
 
 " Why, Leighton, is it you ? " 
 
 "Yes, Harrington, it is Baldwin Leighton, 
 cashiered, like yourself, by this man, Talbot." 
 
 "Take care, Leighton, you may be over- 
 heard." 
 
 " No matter. Of course lie would murder 
 lis all, if he dare ; but he dare not, yet." 
 
 " What a fool I was to come up to Dublin, 
 to try and get back my commission ! " said 
 Jasper, angrily. 
 
DUBLIN CASTLE. 39 
 
 " Of course you were," was the encouraging 
 reply. " The slanderer of Anne Hyde, the 
 would-be assassin of Cromwell, the conspirator 
 against the life of Ormond, the liar, tlm 
 swearer, the gambler, the pimp, will hardly 
 honour with his favour heretic Jasper Har- 
 rington." 
 
 " And yet, I must see him," said Harrington, 
 determinately. " Having gone so far, I must 
 go through with this." 
 
 So he Avent to the Castle next morning, and 
 was admitted to an audience. 
 
 " Who are you, sir ? " 
 
 " Jasper Harrington, my Lord, formerly in 
 His Majesty's army, come to make humble 
 petition " 
 
 " God damn your petition ; 
 
 " To make humble petition to your Ex- 
 cellency that I may have my commission again." 
 
 " Your commission'? By God, it's in prison 
 you should be !" 
 
 " My Lord " 
 
 "You're a damned rogue, sir; hold your 
 tongue ! " 
 
 " AYell, my Lord, my father's son might have 
 expected other usage." 
 
i 
 
 40 UNDER WHICH KING ? 
 
 " By God lie might ! And may get it yet, 
 too," said Tyrconnel, with a loud laugh. 
 
 " May I then hope 1 " said Jasper, willing to 
 put a construction on his speech. 
 
 " God blast me ! " said Tyrconnel, furiously, 
 "not a man of you shall ever get a com- 
 mission/' 
 
 And that was what Jasper Harrington made 
 of his visit to Dublin Castle, in September, 
 1687. 
 
 \ 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 " THE ENGLISH OAK." 
 
 There was a coffee-house in Dame-street, 
 much frequented by the Protestant ex-officers. 
 They used to gather there, and talk over the 
 troubles of the times. Much muttered dis- 
 pleasure there was, doubtless, among them, for it 
 could not be that the acts of the Lord Deputy 
 would afford them satisfaction. 
 
 Here were discussed his sayings and doings, 
 and with them the sayings and doings of King 
 James. 
 
 It was here that the earliest news-letters had 
 been brought from England, and a Protestant 
 might still obtain by stealth a sight of those 
 printed documents, which so wonderfully dis- 
 turbed the peace of the tyrant and his abettors. 
 
 The house was very well known for its 
 Protestant character, and it bore a nourishing 
 
42 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 sign, in lively colours, intended to represent 
 the " English Oak." 
 
 Naturally it was hated by the Irish ry, and 
 carefully avoided. Generally they passed it by 
 with a scowl and a threat ; and once Tyrconnel 
 had been seen to shake his fist at it, swearing 
 a tremendous oath at the resort of those trai- 
 torous scoundrels, as he called them, who had 
 been treated as — no, not as they deserved, by 
 God ! But he would let them see what he 
 meant to do, and he would destroy, he would 
 hack, he would hew, he would blast, that 
 cursed "English Oak!" 
 
 He had been heard to say this by one of his 
 new Popish officers, whose zeal, aided by 
 strong water, sent him into the house to see 
 what he could make of it, a day or .two after 
 Harrington's interview with the Lord Deputy. 
 
 Jasper was standing with his back to him 
 when he entered, a little flushed, and not very 
 steady. For a few minutes, however, he was 
 quiet enough, and listened to what Jasper was 
 saying. 
 
 " He cursed and damned me, and called me 
 a rogue," said Jasper, " and got red in the face 
 with swearing." 
 
" THE ENGLISH OAK." 43 
 
 " Never mind, Harrington ; we must wait 
 for better times," replied Leigliton. 
 
 " Wait ? We may have long enough to 
 wait ! " 
 
 " Hush ! " said Leighton, then noticing, for 
 the first time, that a stranger was present. 
 
 Jasper either did not hear, or would not 
 heed. He continued : — 
 
 " Wait ? And see all our land wasted, our 
 homes polluted, our women insulted, our very 
 lives not safe ! " 
 
 " Hush ! Harrington ; beware ! " repeated 
 Leighton, in a low tone, as he caught the 
 expression of the stranger's face, and saw him 
 lay his hand upon his sword. 
 
 " Beware ! " exclaimed Harrington, in a heat, 
 "what have I to beware of? I had little but 
 my honour and my commission ; the first is 
 still my own, though this Tyrconnel has chosen 
 to bestow the last on that son of a murderer, 
 Shane O'Neil !" 
 
 "Liar! heretic! die!" shouted the stranger, 
 barely giving Harrington time to draw his 
 sword, as he sprang on him ; adding, as well 
 as his passion would allow him, " I am Shane 
 O'Neill" 
 
44 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " Harrington, for God's sake, take care ! 
 Eemember Askton's fate," earnestly exclaimed 
 Leighton, desiring to warn his friend. 
 
 Jasper was quite cool now. He always 
 got cool, when in dangerous case. So, while 
 he defended himself against the not very ex- 
 pert swordsmanship of his opponent, he said, 
 with a laugh, — 
 
 " Ha ! It will he treason if I kill him, of 
 course." 
 
 Harrington's coolness naturally exasperated 
 his foe, who, panting and foaming, tried in 
 vain to get a thrust at one he hated, now 
 intensely, as he hated his name, ever since he 
 had learned that his superseded predecessor was 
 Harrington. 
 
 All this panting and foaming did not serve 
 him much. He was making but a poor hand 
 of it, madder and madder as he was getting 
 at the sneers of the spectators, who were ironi- 
 cally complimenting on his skill the Lord 
 Deputy's new officer. 
 
 At last Harrington succeeded in disarming 
 him, and then, a curious idea of soldiership 
 possessing him, O'Neil rushed as fast as he 
 could from the precincts of " The English Oak." 
 
U THE ENGLISH OAK." 45 
 
 "Well done, Harrington; you're a capital 
 swordsman ! " Leigliton smilingly remarked. 
 
 " Now/' said Harrington, " I had better be 
 off; for this young Popish cub of rebel breed 
 is, doubtless, away to the Castle, witli com- 
 plaint against me as a peace-disturber." 
 "You are right, I fear." 
 " I cannot expect much favour from my Lord 
 Tyrconnel ; but it grieves me to be the cause 
 of annoyance to this honest man," turning to 
 the worthy proprietor of the coffee-house, who 
 stood forward, as Jasper moved to the door. 
 
 "Never heed, master, the worse the times 
 the sooner they'll mend. And, faith, they'll be 
 bad indeed, if they're worse than now." 
 
 ' You'll know Shane O'Neil now, Harring- 
 ton, if you meet him," said Leighton, as they 
 went into the street. 
 
 " Know him ! Ay, and he'll know me vet 
 too." 
 
 " Oh ! as for that, I think he does pretty 
 well already, my friend." 
 
 "Not yet," said Harrington; "I've a little 
 debt to pay him, if ever we meet fairly." 
 
 " Hah ! What mean you ? " 
 
 "His father's band did a villanous deed, that 
 
46 UNDER Willi II KING ? 
 
 I wot of, in 1641 ; anil, if we live to fight, he 
 must defend the memory of his father — I shall 
 seek to avenge the Gilberts." 
 
 " You talk of fighting, Harrington ; do you 
 mean that you intend to seek him out, and 
 fight this Shane O'Neil ? » 
 
 " That was not what I meant," said Jasper, 
 slowly ; and then he added, " Perhaps I could 
 not very well say what I meant." 
 
 " At any rate, Harrington, hie home to the 
 North speedily ; for in Dublin there will be no 
 safety for you, after to-day." 
 
 " You are right," said Harrington ; " so, for 
 a while, farewell ! " 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 HOPES AND FEARS. 
 
 "Well, Jasper, nearest thou news from 
 London ? " 
 
 " Yes, some ; the king does not grow in 
 popularity, verily, Master Brown." 
 
 " It would seem not ; but what have you 
 heard %" 
 
 " Not a great deal. The 6th of February, 
 you know, was his coming to the crown, and 
 service was held in the churches. I hear the 
 churches were nearly empty ; no more people 
 there that Monday than any other week- 
 day." 
 
 "The Londoners are not disposed, then, to 
 count the Stuart among their heavenly bless- 
 ings," said Elijah Brown, grimly. 
 
 " It would seem not ; and yet the pc< 
 love to hear sermons from such as Bishop Ken, 
 
48 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 who delights in dwelling on the Babylonish 
 persecution of God's Church, and her great and 
 glorious deliverance." 
 
 " Poor folks ! " ejaculated Elijah. 
 
 " And there is need, truly, of some pious 
 encouragement these times," continued Jasper; 
 " the tyrant of France is still at his bloody 
 work, robbing and imprisoning, all for this 
 Mass." 
 
 " May the good Lord have mercy upon the 
 poor sheep of his pasture ; for, of a verity, the 
 wolves have fiercely fallen upon them ! " 
 
 " The dragoon-missioners are truly wolves," 
 said Jasper, " and they will not be stopped 1 >y 
 any warning, though one would think that the, 
 blasting of their churches and their priests 
 from heaven, at St. Malo and Paris, and the 
 burning up even of their consecrated hosts, the 
 last Corpus-Christi Day, might have warned 
 them." 
 
 " Oh ! for one hour of Cromwell ! " groaned 
 the old soldier, as his eyes looked up to heaven 
 at thought of the sufferings endured, even then, 
 by those who held the faith of the Gospel. 
 
 " Here, in Ireland, we will soon be as bad," 
 Harrington said, looking the while at little 
 
HOPES AND FEARS. 49 
 
 Annie, who sighed over her work as he said 
 this. 
 
 "The spring is dry and cold," replied 
 Master Brown, " though we are in April 
 now, and there is not much promise of 
 summer ; but there will be summer, for all 
 that." 
 
 " And you mean " 
 
 "Yes, there will be summer," went on 
 Elijah, "and the warm sun will come out, and 
 life will come back to many a thing, and there 
 will be joy over all the land." 
 
 Annie Wharton looked up at her grand- 
 father. A new spirit seemed to have come 
 into him. She had never heard him talk so 
 of summer, and wondered what made him talk 
 of it now. 
 
 And Jasper, standing with his back to 
 the warm fire, and feeling still the cold 
 easterly wind, through which he had come, 
 and which chilled so many that spring, 
 was a little puzzled to make out whether 
 Elijah Brown was thinking only of the 
 cold and of coming summer ; or whether 
 he was, in half prophetic mood, looking for- 
 ward with hope to a deliverance from the rod 
 
50 UNDEE WHICH KING? 
 
 of the tyrant, and from the fury of the op- 
 pressor. 
 
 "Yes, there will be summer," Brown con- 
 tinued, " though the old may be not ali\ 
 see it, and though the winter may to them 
 bring death ; but there will be summer, and 
 sun, and blue heaven, and God above all, and 
 no more clouds and darkness, nor biting frosts, 
 nor chilling winds." 
 
 And then he closed his eyes, as if seeing, 
 afar off, this summer-time, with its light and 
 heat, and life and sun. 
 
 " Jasper ! " said Annie, in a low tone, as she 
 looked from her grandfather to Harrington. 
 
 " Well, Annie ? " 
 
 " Tell me of the Spanish Armada." 
 
 " Why of it to-night, Annie ? " 
 
 " Oh ! he was talking of it before you came 
 in ; I think he is still thinking of it." 
 
 " I must try, then, if you like ; but I have 
 forgotten a great many things lately, Annie." 
 
 "Not that story, surely, Jasper," said the 
 maiden, with a smile. 
 
 " Not — somebody," replied Jasper, watching 
 the pretty blush in Annie's face as he em- 
 phasised the last word. 
 
HOPES AND FEAKS. 51 
 
 " Oh ! Jasper ! " 
 
 Old Elijah Brown opened his eyes, and 
 said — 
 
 " Go on, Jasper ; tell her the story." 
 
 "One hundred years ago, on the 12th of 
 July, 1588, the Invincible Armada departed 
 from the Groyne, to conquer England, and 
 bring it under the sway of Spain." 
 
 " And Antichrist/' Elijah Brown added. 
 
 " On the 23rd of July, a north wind blow- 
 ing, the Duke of Medina-Celi, commanding the 
 Spanish fleet, stood towards that of the English. 
 There was a great battle fought, our English 
 fighting gallantly, and the Spaniards being 
 fain to retire, learning that day and many 
 succeeding ones, that there was little chance of 
 their effecting a landing on English ground." 
 
 " The storm, Jasper ; the storm ! " suggested 
 the old man. 
 
 " And then they tried to sail round by Scot- 
 land and Ireland, and get home to their own 
 land ao-ain. Here a storm came on " 
 
 " God blew upon them ! " 
 
 " — — that shattered their fleet. Seventeen 
 ships were dashed to pieces by that storm, and 
 more than five thousand men were destroyed. 
 
52 UNDER WHICH KING ? 
 
 All these ships and all these men perished along 
 our northern Irish coast ; and more, they say, 
 of ships and men were lost in the storm 
 than were taken or destroyed by the seamen of 
 the Queen." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " chuckled Master Brown, 
 grimly. 
 
 " What are you laughing at, grandfather ? " 
 
 "Thou forgettest the castle, Jasper, the 
 castle they fired at." 
 
 "What castle V 
 
 " Why, dost thou not know that story ? 
 The ships, passing the Causeway, fired and 
 fired away at a castle — not man's castle, verily 
 —God Almighty's ; and the great black peaks 
 of rock stand up there still, and will ever 
 stand : reminding misbelievers that it was God 
 
 7 O 
 
 Almighty the Spaniards were fighting against, 
 and that there was no victory for them in that 
 battle ! " 
 
 And the old man reverently bent his head, 
 and the young man and maiden knew how and 
 why it was that he had been led to think of 
 summer, and to talk in a way that caused 
 them now no wonderment at all. 
 
 And then he looked up, and spoke again. 
 
HOPES AND FEARS. 53 
 
 " Those were great times, Jasper, marvellous 
 times. The Lord of hosts fought the battles 
 of England, those times. For England was on 
 the Lord's side then ; and Antichrist hated 
 her, and warred against her, and tried to crush 
 her by land and sea. And Philip of Spain, 
 and his mass-priests and mass-books, cursed 
 her ; but the Lord blessed her — that was ovei 
 all." 
 
 And then, after a pause, he went on : 
 
 " That great Armada — invincible, they called 
 it — of one hundred and thirty ships was scat- 
 tered, and came no more. And the thumb- 
 screws, and the racks, and the iron boots, and 
 all the fine things they were bringing to tor- 
 ture our fathers, were flung into the depths of 
 the sea ! " 
 
 For a moment a gleam of light seemed to 
 rest upon his face, and then it passed away, 
 and he gathered gloom on his brow, breathed 
 heavily, and groaned as he said — 
 
 " Woe, woe to England now ! For the Lord 
 of hosts hath been defied, and Antichrist hath 
 been honoured ; and the people of the Lord 
 are spit upon, and buffeted, and hunted like 
 wild beasts ; and the foes of the Lord are 
 

 54 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 ramping and raging ; and the evil days have 
 come, and the curse, and the darkness, and 
 there is no light in sun, or moon, or stars/' 
 
 But this mood soon passed away. 
 
 " I am wrong," he said, solemnly, " I am 
 wrong. The Lord is the keeper of Israel. He 
 neither slumbereth nor sleepeth. His hand is 
 not shortened that it cannot save, neither His 
 ear heavy that it cannot hear. And shall not 
 God avenge His own elect, which ciy unto 
 Him day and night ? Yes, He will avenge 
 them, and avenge them speedily." 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 CHARLOTTE HARRINGTON SPEAKS A BIT OF 
 HER MIND. 
 
 There was a thick, leafy grove, and a nice 
 green grassy glade within it ; and just in the 
 middle of the glade, and all surrounded by the 
 tall, shadowing trees, stood the residence of 
 Jasper Harrington. 
 
 It was a plain sort of affair, as beseemed the 
 times, with roof of thatch, and small windows. 
 Up along the windows had been trained some 
 roses, that came out, in red and white, in their 
 season. 
 
 And down among the green grass there had 
 been flower-beds made, that May saw bright in 
 bloom. Pale primroses were there, some single 
 and some curiously cupped ; and daisies, some 
 white and pure as the morning dew, and some 
 blood-red as the morning before rain. Tall 
 daffodils bent their golden crowns in homage 
 
DG UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 to the sun ; and blue hyacinths, with endless 
 hangings of chimeless bells, seemed ever waiting 
 to ring in the grand evangel. 
 
 And, in the grove above, there was ever, in 
 the spring and early summer, a singing of 
 birds. The clear, bold song of the robin first ; 
 and then the varied minstrelsy of the mavis ; 
 and a little later the liquid melody of the merle. 
 And down in a thick gooseberry bush, close to 
 the root, and hardly to be distinguished from 
 the mossy stem, a little wren built its nest, 
 this spring ; and it was watched, in its quick 
 and chirruping flight, to-night, by Charlotte 
 Harrinoton. 
 
 " Oh ! Annie, a wren's nest," she said, as 
 Annie came in sight. " Just look where it has 
 been building." 
 
 " What an odd, snug little place ! " 
 " Isn't it ? But where have you been, Annie, 
 all this while ? And how is it you hardly ever 
 come near me, now ? " 
 
 " Have I been long? I did not think so." 
 " Long ? You have been an age ! " 
 " Have I ? " asked Annie, quite pathetically. 
 " And even, to-night, I am sure you don't 
 come to see me ; you want to see Jasper." 
 
CHARLOTTE HARRINGTON. 57 
 
 "Oh! Charlotte!" 
 
 " Of course you do, you minx ; but I tell you 
 what; you must not be going and marrying 
 him, now ; it wouldn't be proper." 
 
 "He never asked me to marry him," said 
 Annie, blushing, and looking down ; crushing 
 a daffodil to pieces, with her foot. 
 
 '' But, if he did, of course you would say 
 that you didn't ought to marry him, for that 
 he was a gentleman." 
 "Oh! Charlotte!" 
 
 "To be sure you would ! Do you think I 
 would like you so well if I thought you were 
 going to marry Jasper? No, indeed, Annie 
 Wharton, and you mustn't do it, now ! " 
 "Oh! Charlotte!" 
 
 " You've been thinking of it, I see. Has he 
 been talking to you about love, and that? 
 Why do you get so red? You're a nasty 
 girl ! Go away ! " 
 
 "Oh ! Char-Char-Char-lotte!" sobbed Annie, 
 thinking that Charlotte Harrington was very 
 cruel, and wondering how she could say all 
 these things to a poor little soul that had never 
 done her any harm. 
 
 And all Charlotte Harrington did was — to 
 
58 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 stoop down over the gooseberry bush, and take 
 the intensest interest in the nest of the little 
 wren. For, you know, there are people who 
 can be greatly concerned about their canary, 
 or their cat, or their poodle, and cuddle and 
 caress them, all sorts, and yet be as hard as — 
 oh, dear ! all similes of very hard things have 
 been unfortunately quite exhausted — with 
 poor human beings who err by being human, 
 perhaps shedding tears, perhaps giving out of 
 their heart a little human love, and showing 
 that they can love. 
 
 And poor little Annie was so humble in her 
 love ; and now almost felt that she had been 
 doing wrong in loving. If it had been pos- 
 sible, she would have gone down into the 
 ground, under the green grass, with all its tall 
 feathery heads, and let them wave over her, 
 as she lay there, in silence. She would far 
 rather have done so, just then, than heard 
 Charlotte Harrington say those things that 
 reddened her cheeks with a burning shame, 
 and made her think that to be a sin which was 
 no sin at all, but a thing of heaven, and a joy 
 from God. 
 
 Annie covered her face with her hands, and 
 
CHARLOTTE HARRINGTON. 59 
 
 wanted to go home, but didn't like to go ; 
 didn't like to go for so silly a reason, and 
 wondered what would come of it all. 
 
 And Charlotte raised her head from the 
 wren's nest, and, in a cheerier tone, said, — ■ 
 
 "But I am wrong, perhaps, after all. In- 
 deed, I am sure I am wrong. We'll be good 
 friends still, Annie, for I know you don't care 
 about Jasper." 
 
 And what do you think Annie did ? Do 
 you suppose she looked up in Charlotte's face, 
 and said, — 
 
 " I do ! " 
 
 She didn't. But she looked up, and smiled ; 
 and the thought came into her head that, per- 
 haps, if she held her tongue and said nothing, 
 she might be able to keep both her friends. 
 At any rate she was acquiring a sort of wise- 
 ness, that told her there was no need in the 
 world that Charlotte Harrington should know 
 the whole state of the case, just then. 
 
 " Girls have something else to do than waste 
 their time thinking of these things," said Char- 
 lotte, " which are very useless and absurd things 
 to be thinking about, after all. For what is 
 the use of marrying 1 What a world of trouble 
 
GO UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 a woman brings on herself by it ! I'm sure I 
 am far better the way I am." 
 
 " I'm sure somebody else is far better with- 
 out you/' thought the listener, but did not say 
 it. 
 
 " Take my advice, Annie dear, and never 
 think of marrying." 
 
 And, just at this juncture, up came Jasper 
 Harrinoton, in time to hear the last word. 
 And Annie, blushing redder than ever, said 
 " Good night," and hurried away home ; Jasper 
 all the while wondering what ever made her 
 look so frightened, and scurry off like a rabbit 
 running into its hole. 
 
 " I don't think Annie will ever marry," said 
 Charlotte, demurely ; not looking into her 
 brother's face. 
 
 Jasper had some thoughts of his own on 
 the subject, but they did not turn into words. 
 He knew his sister's opinions on the subject of 
 matrimony, and he avoided coming into col- 
 lision with her, whenever it was possible. 
 
 He thought it natural enough that she should 
 not like him to get married, and he set a good 
 deal of her talk down to that account. But he 
 couldn't just see what good it would do dis- 
 
CHARLOTTE HARRINGTON. 61 
 
 cussing Annie Wharton's chances of a husband ; 
 and so he was silent. 
 
 As he often was, when his sister would let 
 him ; and he was determined to be so to-nio-ht 
 though he saw plainly that she was in one of 
 her disputatious moods. And he had learned 
 to know that his sister could be very disaoree- 
 able in these moods ; so he took the greatest 
 possible care to avoid a collision. 
 
 He flattered himself that he had succeeded 
 admirably. 
 
 But the truth was that Charlotte Harrington 
 had outwitted him; for her object was to 
 prevent him going home with Annie Wharton. 
 And she did. 
 
 Annie lingered on the way, longer than she 
 need have clone, poor girl. Of course she was 
 not expecting any one ; but still she lingered. 
 
 At last she sat down beside a whin or furze 
 bush, and began listlessly pulling off the rich 
 yellow blossoms. There was a pool a little 
 way off, and tall wavy reeds in it. And from 
 the reeds came out the voice of the water-hen, 
 " kur-rook ! v And out in the pool, among the 
 leaves of the water lily swam a mallard, after the 
 shining insects that were skimming the water. 
 
02 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 And the snipe floated up into the air, and sank 
 down, bleating, as it fell. And, behind, the 
 partridges were " chir — r — r — " ing, running 
 close to the bush where Annie sat. And yet, 
 with all these summery sounds, and with the 
 air sweet and balmy, Annie felt very lonely, as 
 she rose to go home. 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 mr. peter wharton's story. 
 
 A stranger was sitting in the cottage of 
 Master Elijah Brown, when Annie returned to 
 her home in the gloaming. He turned round, 
 she could see, as she entered ; but the room 
 was too dark for her to see anything more. 
 She wondered who he was, and what he was 
 doing there at that hour ; and wondered not 
 the less that he asked her, in strong Scotch 
 accent, — 
 
 " Whar hae ye been, sae late, lass ? " 
 
 " Your uncle, Annie," said her grandfather, 
 in explanation ; which was needed, as Annie 
 hardly knew that she had an uncle. 
 
 Yet she had. And the Reverend Peter 
 Wharton had been led, by the troublous aspect 
 of the times, to leave Scotland for Ulster. 
 Therefore it was that he sat there to-nisrht, 
 
G4 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 and intended to remain, till lie could see liis 
 way to some ministerial charge in connection 
 with the Presbyterian Church. 
 
 It may be as well mentioned that he had 
 not long to wait, for a congregation near Bel- 
 fast gladly welcomed him ; and that not the 
 less readily that he had been witness to much 
 of Scotland's sufferings and battles for Christ's 
 Crown and Covenant. 
 
 Annie frankly went over to her uncle now, 
 and bade him welcome, in cordial and friendly 
 tone. He seemed to like this, for he said, 
 after a candle had been placed on the table, — 
 
 "You're a brave sonsie lass, Annie." 
 
 And Annie, not knowing very well what 
 else to do, blushed and smiled. 
 
 " Yes, you're a brave sonsie lass, and ye 
 mind me o' bonnie Margaret Wilson." 
 
 " Who was she, uncle ? " 
 
 " Ah ! that's a sad story, Annie. She was a 
 bonnie lass that Heaven wanted hame, and the 
 Stuarts were in hurry to send there."/ 
 
 " Have a care, Peter, what ye say, for Dean 
 Manby might be coming by/' said Elijah 
 Brown, with a chuckle. 
 
 " Didn't he go away and swear against a 
 
MR. PETER WHARTON S STORY. 65 
 
 Mr. Norman, at Londonderry, for saying words 
 against the King ? " asked Annie, in a tone of 
 awe. 
 
 " Did Jasper tell you that ? " asked her 
 grandfather. 
 
 "Yes," said Annie, looking down, and 
 1 (lushing at the name of Jasper ; thinking of 
 the reason she had for doing so, too, to- 
 night. 
 
 "A bad man he was, that dean," said Elijah, 
 "and they tell me his character was not in 
 great repute, even with the late Lord-Lieu- 
 tenant." 
 
 " Was that Lord Clarendon, grandfather ? " 
 asked Annie, not unwilling to show that she 
 knew something of politics; though, indeed, 
 not very much knowledge was required to 
 enable her to put this question. 
 
 " Have ye spies here, too 1 " asked the 
 minister, looking round. 
 
 " No, no ; it was in sport I spake, Peter ; 
 the Dean of Deny has no followers in these 
 parts." 
 
 " Well, then, I may tell Annie of Margaret 
 Wilson." 
 
 "Ay, do!" 
 
66 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 "Bonnie Margaret was but of eighteen 
 years. She was offered life if she would re- 
 cant, but she wadna forswear her Lord. They 
 took her down to the sand, and fixed a stake 
 in it, and told her that she was to dee ! A' 
 alang the banks of the Solway, the primroses 
 were blooming, and the grass was green and 
 bright, in the sun. It was the eleventh of 
 May, and the young summer was comin' in, 
 with laverocks singin' high in heaven ; and 
 down amang the sedges and the willows, a 
 voice, now and then, from the cuckoo. But 
 Margaret had ither thoughts than of primrose 
 blossoms or laverock's songs. For the water 
 was comin' in, and in, and in ; and the angels 
 were there, round her, above the tide. And 
 she was singin', singin' on, sweeter than ever 
 laverock sang, till the waves came over her 
 head. And then the cruel minions of the 
 Stuart bade her recant and live. With 
 sweet voice, she said, ' I am Christ's ; let 
 me go ! ' And they let her go ; and the 
 waves of the Solway bore her to Canaan's 
 shore ; and she sang, that summer evening, 
 far away, the song of Moses and of the 
 Lamb ! " 
 
MR. PETER WHARTON'S STORY. 67 
 
 Annie was weeping, as her uncle ended ; and 
 old Elijah sat clenching his fist, and wonder- 
 ing when the time would come that the Lord 
 would avenge His servants' blood. 
 
 At last Annie whispered, 
 
 "Did the King know ? " 
 
 "Ay, did he, I doubt not," replied her 
 uncle. 
 
 " Could he be so cruel ? " continued Annie. 
 
 " Cruel ? There were bloody and cruel men 
 in Scotland, but James Stuart was the 
 bloodiest and crudest o' a'. The Scottish 
 Privy Council had brought before it one Mr. 
 John Spreul, an apothecary of Glasgow, and 
 the Council put him to the torture. James 
 Stuart sat grimly looking on." 
 
 " Wasn't he Duke of York, then 1 " asked 
 Master Elijah Brown. 
 
 "Ay, it was in 1681. The poor man was 
 struck in the boots. The Council, on some 
 pretence, nearly all left the room. But the 
 Duke sat looking grimly on. The hammer was 
 driven home by the torturer, and the wedges 
 crushed the flesh and bone. Such as remained 
 grew pale and shuddered ; all except James, 
 Duke of York." 
 
OS UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " God save the King !" muttered old Brown, 
 in bitter irony. 
 
 " ' Sir, would you kill the King \ ' asked the 
 Duke. ' I bless God,' replied Spreul, ' I am no 
 Papist : I hate and abhor all those Jesuitical 
 and murdering principles ; neither my parents 
 nor the ministers I heard ever taught me such 
 principles.' " 
 
 " Did the Duke let him go, then 1 " asked 
 Annie, with breathless interest. 
 
 " Na ; and, though he was tried and ac- 
 quitted by the jury, he was banished to the 
 Bass Kock, and lay, with the wild waves ragin' 
 round him, till this new-found clemency of the 
 Stuart set him free." 
 
 " New-found, indeed, Peter. Ye think not 
 much, I ween, of the Indulgence V* 
 
 "The Stuarts were aye famed for their 
 wiles," replied Mr. Peter Wharton, " and James 
 Stuart has not forgot his father's cunning. 
 Ane wha learned from godly John Spreul how 
 he sat out the torture, and half smiled at each 
 blow of the hammer on the wedge, canna think 
 that it is for love that James Stuart would 
 relax our bonds." 
 
 " Right, Peter ; right." 
 
mr. peter wharton's story. 60 
 
 " Besides, the King breaks the law ; he does 
 wrang that he may do right. And he would 
 bribe us to aid him in breaking the law, that 
 he may be able to favour the Papists by our 
 means." 
 
 " Even so," said Elijah, approvingly. 
 
 " We canna trust James Stuart, and we will 
 not accept this gift from his hands. I think, 
 with Richard Baxter and John Howe, that it 
 would be an evil day when the Presbyterians 
 cease to protest against Pope and Popery, 
 and fail, for sake of a Judas gift, to be true 
 to God's gospel and Christ's cause." 
 
 " Well said, Peter Wharton, and like an 
 honest-hearted man who loves his Master," was 
 Brown's remark. 
 
 " The day will come, surely, and we may see 
 it soon, when there will be for us liberty to 
 worship God. Men begin to whisper some- 
 what o' the Prince of Orange, and to talk of 
 his comin' over the sea. I ken not what there 
 is in this ; God wotteth all things ; and there 
 may be, even for us, a great deliverance." 
 
 There was a pause, and then Annie whis- 
 pered, 
 
 " Tell me something of my father." 
 
70 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " Thy father was a brave man, Annie. He 
 had come back, as ye ken, to Scotland, to see 
 the auld folks before they would dee. One 
 bright June Sabbath morning, there had 
 gathered a crowd at Drumclog. John Balfour 
 of Burley was there ; and so was Eobert 
 Hamilton. And the auld folks were there, too. 
 Ye were well awa', Annie, though as wee bit 
 lassies as ye were came, holding each ithers' 
 hands. Amang the marsh and muir, they sang 
 of ' Judah's land/ far awa' ; and, as they sang, 
 down came the bloody Claverhouse and his 
 dragoons. It needs not to tell how the day 
 was won, nor how Claverhouse lost the battle. 
 Thy father's life was lost, that day, Annie ; 
 and the auld folks looked their last on him, as he 
 bravely fought, and then breathed out his soul 
 on his mither's bosom ! They laid him gently 
 down to rest ; the brown heather covers his 
 grave, and the muir-fowl there stands soli- 
 tary sentinel. You may find the place where 
 he lies, by the stone, grown o'er wi' moss, on 
 which they carved, in memory o' the fight, a 
 figure of a Bible and a sword." 
 
CHAPTER XL 
 
 THINGS GREAT AND SMALL. 
 
 The wonders and weaknesses of the world 
 are strangely interwoven. The greatest natural 
 event of the world is, unquestionably, the 
 Deluge. Over mountain and moor, over peak 
 and plain, burst the rushing tide and the 
 descending rain. Futile had been the efforts of 
 the preacher of righteousness to induce the 
 great public to turn and live. Things had 
 always been as they were, and would last their 
 time. There would be no change, no great 
 revolution. The little people played about the 
 doors of the tents, and the women laughed 
 within them. The horses and cattle strayed to 
 their pasturage, as the sun rose, every morning- 
 And the swarthy men, busy with labour or 
 with sin, in field or city, laughed in the 
 preacher's face, as he spoke of danger. And 
 
72 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 verily he needed faith, this Noah, looking thus 
 on the great world, and preaching ceaselessly 
 on ; mocked and jeered at, by man and nature, 
 for a hundred and twenty years. 
 
 But it came. And men think of that tre- 
 mendous catastrophe, and of a crushing out of 
 life by mountains of waters, and sweeping oft' 
 into eternity of all humanity, but the seed of 
 that one man. Just these two things — the 
 water and the ark — come up, in picture, before 
 us ; in the one, the few souls saved, in the 
 other, the myriads drowned. 
 
 Yet can one help thinking of the things 
 which were done that last evening, before the 
 door was shut ? One week had been given, 
 even at the last, to gather in the little flock. 
 And the giants had seen the birds gather at 
 Noah's call, all trooping, with their four-footed 
 fellows, in long procession, as once the founders 
 of their races did, before man's own pro- 
 genitor. 
 
 Who can doubt that the mighty men of 
 renown lay them down, that night, thinking 
 and talking of Noah ? Who can doubt that the 
 little ones told their mothers how the lion and 
 tiger had gone gently along, and how the 
 
THINGS GREAT AND SMALL. 73 
 
 thrush, or the bulbul, had flown into a tree, 
 and trilled a song, before following its mate ? 
 
 And that young girl was to go to her bridal 
 couch, to-morrow ; and she lay down, dreaming 
 dreams of long years of love. And, in the 
 night hours, that babe is coming in, to lie, at 
 least to-night, on its mother's breast. 
 
 And the evil-doer is abroad, in the night ; 
 and the lion is out of his lair, coming down 
 upon his prey ; and the owl is hooting up at 
 the stars, and, if it could think, would resolve 
 to do the same to-morrow. 
 
 So, let us be wise, when we think of the 
 Flood. Let us remember that all the little lives 
 were lost, as well as Earth's population drowned. 
 Let us think not only of the Sum — the All — but 
 of the one, and one, and one, and one ! 
 
 The greatnesses and littlenesses of man are 
 strangely interwoven. David — God's own great 
 hero, and Israel's brave deliverer ; the valiant 
 champion who, with smooth stone of the brook, 
 slew the magnificent Goliath of Gath ; the 
 harper of sweetest harpings that even charmed 
 a very devil from the soul of Saul ; the singer 
 of those songs that God himself has approv- 
 ingly quoted — was, after all, only a man. 
 
74 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 We speak not of the sins that he sinned, 
 giving occasion to the enemies of God to blas- 
 pheme ; for, if God has recorded them, God has 
 pardoned them. But look at him, on the 
 grassy bank, as the bleating of a lamb startles 
 him from his psalm to God. See how he rises 
 to that lion, and bravely, as a man, dashes life 
 out of him ; and sends after him the bear, to 
 death. And then fancy him, as truly one may, 
 fondling the rescued lamb, and chafing its 
 wounded limbs, as its mother rubs her head 
 against him, in grateful acknowledgment of 
 that brave youth's deed. 
 
 Think of him, in that cave of Adullam, with 
 the motley group of outlaws around him ; and 
 do not believe that only because he killed the 
 giant did they make him their captain, but 
 because he had a loving heart, and a gentle 
 soul, and was, in a word, every inch a man. 
 
 Think of him, not only as he was when he 
 wept for Jonathan, and Absalom, and for his 
 little nameless son, but as he was, in that 
 parcel of ground full of barley, when the people 
 that should have stood by him fled, and Elea- 
 zar and David made manly stand, till the 
 barley was beaten down by Philistines dead. 
 
THINGS GREAT AND SMALL. 75 
 
 Think of him, parched with thirst after battle 
 fought ; and the gallant three that drew him 
 water from his own home well of Bethlehem ; 
 and the heart of love that he had, gushing out 
 towards those three, as whose life-blood he 
 valued that water, pouring it out before the 
 Lord. 
 
 Think, in fact, of heroes as very much the 
 same as all men, with like passions, and hopes, 
 and fears, and hates, and loves. Tower up 
 above humanity, in some moods, they do ; 
 being, of a verity, then seen and known as sons 
 of God : but down to humanity, in most moods, 
 they come ; and walk, and talk, and look, and 
 smile, every bit true sons of man. 
 
 Far out at sea, the ship is sailing. You see 
 from her only the high tops of mountains, and 
 the peaks. She nears them, and the hills are 
 seen ; then the swelling ground, and then the 
 plains. The homes of man, the green fields 
 the very cattle under the shady trees, come, by- 
 and-by, into view. But you would never have 
 seen them, nor known of them, if you had for 
 ever stayed far out at sea. 
 
 And it is this staying far out at sea that 
 makes men think only of the great events of 
 
7G UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 earth, and the great deeds of heroes ; though it 
 would be better far if men could learn to feel 
 that, in the midst of Earth's great deeds, the life 
 of common humanity runs on as ever ; and that 
 men of like passions with themselves, who 
 love and hate as they do, may be, are, and 
 were, heroes of Heaven and God ! 
 
 And so, this May, 1688, with the mighty 
 mind of England stirred, as seldom before it 
 was ever stirred ; and with heroes preparing, 
 some consciously and others not, to take a 
 heroic part, they bought, they sold, they 
 planted, they builded — and more, they hated, 
 and loved. 
 
 His Majesty, King James the Second, was 
 besinninor to be alarmed at the Great fleet of the 
 Dutch, and was, a little better than heretofore, 
 looking after his own fleet. 
 
 His Majesty, on the 18th May, was waited 
 upon by the Lords Bishops of Bath and Wells, 
 Peterborough, Ely, Chichester, St. Asaph, and 
 Bristol, who, at the Archbishop of Canterbury's, 
 the Saturday before, agreed to petition the 
 King to recall his order to read in their 
 churches his illegal Declaration of Indul- 
 gence. 
 
THINGS GREAT AND SMALL. 77 
 
 His Majesty was told by the bishops that 
 they could not be parties to the reading of it ; 
 for that they had consciences, and had some 
 regard for laws. For this reason, and not from 
 want of tenderness towards Dissenters, they 
 said they were bound to refuse to obey the 
 King's commandant ; which they sore grieved 
 at, and hoped his Majesty would not place 
 them in such a strait. 
 
 His Majesty, not being unused to anger, got 
 angry ; and, having sat out bloody boot work, 
 threatened after the Stuart fashion. 
 
 Threats, however, and anger notwithstand- 
 ing, only four clerical slaves were found, that 
 20th of May, in a hundred London parish 
 churches. The spirit of the rest was that of 
 Samuel Wesley, father of John Wesley, a curate 
 in London, who for his text did well that he 
 took those noble words : — " Be it known unto 
 thee, King, that we will not serve thy gods, 
 nor worship the golden image which thou hast 
 set up." 
 
 And to London came news of terrific earth- 
 quake in Peru, burying Lima in ruins, and 
 hurrying, as at the Flood, by great destruction, 
 many a soul to endless doom. 
 
78 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 And yet not all the great upheaving of the 
 mind of England, and not all the gathering 
 gloom over Ireland, occupied the thoughts of 
 Jasper Harrington so much as the cloud that 
 had hid from him the beaming smiles of little 
 Annie Wharton. 
 
 For so it was. 
 
 How it was, Jasper could never tell ; but he 
 had not been near the cottage since the evening 
 that Annie had lingered so long on the way. 
 
 Was it that he wanted to make his sister 
 think he did not care about Annie ? Or had 
 Charlotte stirred his pride by some hints as to 
 Annie's undisguised liking for him ? 
 
 When once a train of thought is suggested, 
 the mind dwells and dwells upon it ; and a 
 hundred real or fancied occurrences are made to 
 do duty, in curious fashion, very much to their 
 own surprise, no doubt. 
 
 So, very likely there was some mocking hint 
 of Charlotte's visited on poor Annie's uncon- 
 scious head ; and Jasper, thinking himself very 
 manly and independent, was resolved to show 
 that he would not have people jumping at 
 conclusions about him and his affairs. 
 
 But, as has been said, whatever the reason, 
 
THINGS GREAT AND SMALL. 79 
 
 the fact was that not a sight of Jasper had 
 Annie got for ever so many days. 
 
 And of course, all that time she was busying 
 her little head with wondering why it was. 
 And, of course, she thought of that last even- 
 ing, and wondered whether Charlotte had said 
 anything to Jasper, to keep him away. Per- 
 haps he would come to-night ? But he didn't 
 come. Perhaps he would come to-morrow 
 night ? But to-morrow night passed without 
 bringing Jasper. 
 
 And all that time it was a curious thing that 
 Charlotte never said a cross thing to Jasper. 
 Often and often had she been used to row him, 
 and scold him, and give it to him, as young 
 ladies do manage sometimes to row, and scold, 
 and give it to people. But all that time she 
 never allowed herself to say an angry word to 
 him. 
 
 He was her dear Jasper, and her good brother, 
 and her sensible old boy, and so on. But never 
 a plague, and a pest, and a torment, as he used 
 to be. 
 
 It is curious, nevertheless, that Jasper was 
 not sufficiently grateful for the change. It 
 seemed, somehow, as if everything went across 
 
80 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 the grain with him. He was restless, and 
 fidgety, and cross ; and by no means as smooth- 
 spoken or as brotherly as he ought to have been 
 to so good a sister. 
 
 And, you may be sure, all this time, never a 
 word was spoken by either about Annie 
 Wharton. 
 
 Was anybody's pillow ever bedewed with 
 tears, those nights ? 
 
 Did anybody else lie tossing about, when 
 the young owls were uttering their doleful 
 strident cries \ 
 
 The heart of the nation was ill at ease, that 
 May ; and so were the hearts of Annie Whar- 
 ton and Jasper Harrington. 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 WOLFLAND. 
 
 Wolfland, at this time, was a nickname for 
 Ireland. In the wilds, fierce, shaggy, savage 
 creatures, with tongues of blood and eyes of fire, 
 sought everywhere for prey. 
 
 And fierce, savage creatures, not wolves, 
 were prowling about everywhere with dead- 
 lier fangs, and crueller hate than the beasts 
 that came creeping out of their lairs, among the 
 hills and crags of Kenmare and Killarney. 
 
 These deadlier and more savage creatures 
 were the levies of Tyrconnel, filled with fierce 
 hate for the Saxon race, and panting to draw 
 the blood of those whom they looked upon with 
 feelings of revenge, as but lately they had 
 viewed them with feelings of envy. 
 
 Nor were the scarcely concealed sneers of 
 the disbanded and cashiered army likely to 
 
82 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 smooth down the bad passions of the new one. 
 Captains and lieutenants who saw their fathers' 
 cowherds and horseboys promoted to their 
 lost commissions, and hobbling about, with 
 awkward gait, in boots and sword, could not 
 be blamed if they heartily laughed at the new 
 soldiers of King James. Nor was it to be ex- 
 pected that the loyal and faithful Protestant 
 soldiery, who had seen their places filled by 
 rapparees and traitors, would silently endure 
 indignities and insults from those who came 
 forth from filthy sties, to live upon the plunder 
 of the Protestants, and twopence a day. 
 
 There was a sinking of heart all over the 
 North, in every Protestant home, and a dreary 
 foreboding everywhere of what was to come. 
 
 High over-head there hung a black and dis- 
 mal cloud. Down on the earth the air was 
 heavy and oppressive. It was difficult to 
 breathe ; many found it harder to hope, and 
 not a few ceased even to live. 
 
 And these soldiers of Tyrconnel carried it 
 with high hand, everywhere. 
 
 A regiment had come to Belfast, and were 
 plundering, and beating, and cursing outlandish 
 Irish curses at the people, after a fashion that 
 
WOLFLAND. 83 
 
 even Tyrconnel himself could hardly have out- 
 done. 
 
 Jasper Harrington had been in Belfast one 
 day, and heard tidings of their deeds. One 
 ruffian, in the uniform of an officer, had been 
 particularly conspicuous ; and, as Jasper asked 
 his name, he staggered past, intoxicated, and 
 Jasper needed not further question. 
 
 He could not fail to recognise Lieutenant 
 Shane O'Neil. 
 
 " Hah ! Master Harrington," stuttered O'Neil, 
 " I have met you at last ! " 
 
 And O'Neil attempted to approach him. 
 
 A young Protestant who knew Harrington, 
 and desired to spare him an attack from the 
 drunken ruffian, just then happened to be 
 passing. 
 
 Putting out his foot, he tripped up O'Neil, and 
 sent him spinning into the street, on his head. 
 
 Then he hurriedly whispered to Jasper, 
 " For God's sake, sir, get out of this, or he'll 
 murder ye. He's the divil's own mother's son ! " 
 
 Jasper followed the advice thus given, and 
 
 turned into a lane, leading down by an orchard, 
 
 where the apple-trees were thickly laden with 
 
 the young and swelling fruit. 
 
 G 2 
 
84 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 He did not return to his home that night, 
 for he desired to learn tidings of the great 
 doings in England, and what men were saying 
 of the prospects of the land. 
 
 But, on the morrow, he got away early. He 
 had seen nothing more of his antagonist of the 
 " English Oak." Nor did he care to see more 
 of him. The time had not come yet for justice ; 
 at least for the justice that Jasper hoped, and 
 could wait, for. 
 
 He wondered, riding along at his leisure, 
 when that time would come, and whether this 
 Prince of Orange, that whispers were begin- 
 ning to be heard of, would help to bring it 
 about. 
 
 And he wondered 
 
 Hah ! what was that ? A faint suppressed 
 scream ? And this old Elijah's farm, too. 
 What could it mean ? Dare he ask ? Why 
 had he never since gone to see little Annie ? 
 
 Good God ! Could it be Annie's scream ? 
 Could any ill have happened to her 1 Could 
 any ill be happening now ? 
 
 Where should he go ? Whence had the 
 scream come ? How should he find out ? 
 
 There was the wild, whinny knowe, with the 
 
WOLFLAND. 85 
 
 great rugged hawthorn bush, under which he 
 knew that Annie often sat. But he could not 
 plainly see it from his horse, for a high hedo-e 
 concealed it from the narrow pathway alono- 
 which he rode. 
 
 Hush ! There is a motion in the hedo-e. 
 The tall hawthorns shake and tremble, and a 
 little brown hedge-sparrow flies out in a fright 
 across to the elder-bush beyond. 
 
 Hush ! Why is it that Jasper's heart beats 
 double quick? Why does he flush as he 
 watches the trembling hedge ? Why is he not 
 listening now, but looking ? 
 
 The hedge parts, and it is 
 
 Away goes the flush from his face, and pallor 
 comes instead, as the weird and haggard form 
 of Mary Gilbert comes in view. 
 
 Poor Mary! Could the scream have been 
 hers ? Poor Mary ! Yet their is relief in that 
 sigh too, as, with clouded eyes, she stared at 
 him, trying to get back some glimpse of that 
 reason that God gave and incarnate fiends took 
 away. 
 
 A sigh of relief. 
 
 That scream ! Heavens ! It must be • 
 
 Just that time, and Jasper dashes through 
 
86 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 the hedge, up the hill, on to the whinny knowe, 
 and the old rugged hawthorn tree. 
 
 That scream ! And poor Mary wakes to 
 something like life, as she looks after him, and 
 shakes her head, whispering to herself — 
 
 "Ay, ay!" 
 
 She is under the old hawthorn, on the 
 grass. 
 
 But how ? 
 
 With all disordered tresses hanging wildly 
 down ; ker head bent forward as she sits. One 
 foot thrust out, with spasmodic energy, as 
 spurning some evil thing away. Her left hand 
 pressed tightly on her bosom that, with thick 
 and hurried beat, is heaving. 
 
 And this left hand — see, Jasper ! — grasped 
 tightly, and sought to be withdrawn, by the 
 rude and ruffianly fingers of the son of Owen 
 O'Neill 
 
 Who bends on one knee over the little 
 maiden, and insults her by his offered embrace. 
 
 See, Jasper ! 
 
 That will do. It is enough for all of us. 
 And it will be enough, perhaps, for this soldier 
 of Tyrconnel, unless St. Dominic be quick in 
 his rescue of villains. 
 
WOLFLAND. 87 
 
 " Dastard ! ruffian ! " shouted Harrington, 
 striking him over the head with the knotted 
 stick he carried. 
 
 " Ay, ay ! " half yelled poor Mary. 
 
 " Son of a murderer ! Take that ! " 
 
 "Ay, ay; Owen O'Neil's in hell !" was the 
 ready cry of the maniac. 
 
 And then, seeing that he lay senseless under 
 the hawthorn tree, Jasper bent down over the 
 fainting form of Annie Wharton. 
 
 " Dearest Annie ! Annie, darling !" he cried 
 distractedly, as she covered her face with both 
 her hands. 
 
 But Annie spoke not, nor yet fainted quite ; 
 only uttered a low and plaintive moan. 
 
 " Annie, let me take you home ! " 
 
 And shuddering, nevertheless, as she rose, 
 but yet rising, the poor girl walked totteringly 
 along in half crouching attitude, as if crushed 
 by a feeling of shame. 
 
 And so, getting home at last, old Elijah met 
 them at the door. 
 
 To Jasper's dying day he never could for- 
 get the look that Master Brown gave as they 
 met 
 
 " God's curse on this Shane O'Neil ! " was 
 
88 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 all that Jasper said, as he left the cottage in 
 hot haste. 
 
 " Ay, ay ! " muttered again the poor creature, 
 who wakened up to some sort of life at mention 
 of the name of that cruel race. 
 
 And Annie Wharton, cowering down in the 
 corner, like hare hunted to the death, moaned 
 bitterly, — 
 
 " Oh ! oh ! oh ! " 
 
 At the hawthorn tree Jasper was then alone. 
 
 When he returned to it, as, be sure, he did 
 return, not a trace could be discovered any- 
 where of Shane, the son of Owen. 
 
CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 SHANE O'NEIL. 
 
 O'Neil had been found by some of his 
 soldiers, lying under the hawthorn tree. They 
 had not very much respect for him. They 
 thought he had got into a drunken squabble. 
 He was accustomed to do this. Not once, 
 nor twice, had he been found lying as now! 
 But still he was of the Holy Religion. He 
 must not be left to the tender mercies of the 
 Northern heretics. 
 
 So they took him up. 
 
 " Holy Vargin ! " shouted one. 
 
 " Blood an' ounds ! " cried another. 
 
 "Musha, look here I" said a third. 
 
 : ' Wheest ! " roared a fourth. 
 
 And then they hoisted him on their shoulders, 
 and trudged off with him towards Belfast. 
 
 There was great excitement there, when they 
 
90 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 returned, among their comrades. Not on ac- 
 count of the figure that O'Neil cut ; not at all. 
 They did not care very much about the young- 
 man. He bullied them, and swore at them, 
 and kicked them, and cut at them, when he 
 was drunk, and when he was sober. 
 
 So there was no love lost in that quarter. 
 
 News had come to the town that the regi- 
 ment was to return at once to Dublin. The 
 Colonel had been rather shaky, when the 
 despatch arrived from Tyrconnel. It was 
 marked, " Haste, haste, post haste." But the 
 Colonel didn't care. It might wait, he said, 
 damn it. 
 
 And it might have waited long enough, in- 
 deed, before he would have attended to it, had 
 not a renegade schoolmaster been at hand, who 
 eyed it curiously, and then said, — 
 
 "From the Lord Deputy, Colonel." 
 
 " What d — d — does he w — w — want ? " 
 
 " Would you read it, Colonel % " 
 
 " Read it for me ! " 
 
 This was just what the rascal wanted. He 
 was dying to see the news, and he knew the 
 Colonel never could read a word. 
 
 So he read. 
 
SHANE O NEIL. 91 
 
 " To the Colonel , at Belfast : these :— " 
 
 " Oh, come," said the Colonel, " what's it 
 about ? Don't bother with all that stuff." 
 
 " An order from the Lord Deputy to march 
 to Dublin, without delay " 
 
 " Damn it ! " 
 
 " as certain regiments from Ireland 
 
 are to be sent across the Channel, to do his 
 Majesty service in England." 
 
 " Hurroo ! " shouted the Colonel, jumping 
 up. 
 
 And half a dozen officers ran in to see what 
 it was all about. Nothing could they hear, 
 however, for ever so long, except the Colonel's 
 voice " hurroo "-ing away, like mad. 
 
 At last he stopped " hurroo "-ing, just long 
 enough to say, " "We're for England ; " and then 
 he went at it again. 
 
 This time he had a chorus. 
 
 For the whole half-dozen set up such a hul- 
 labaloo, that poor people passing began to 
 think something dreadful was going to take 
 place ; and one man affirmed that the officers 
 were setting on the men, then and there, to 
 murder, and slay, and burn, and destroy. 
 
 And it was in the midst of this excitement 
 
92 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 that Shane O'Neil was borne into the presence 
 of his fellow-officers, having with difficulty been 
 brought from Lisburn to Belfast; not all the 
 way, however, on the shoulders of the men, for 
 they soon got tired of his weight, and made not 
 the least scruple of seizing a good horse from a 
 Protestant, and placing him across its back. 
 
 " What has come on him ? " asked a promoted 
 ploughman. 
 
 " Foighting ? " questioned a promoted tory. 
 
 " Drunk ?" suggested a promoted rapparee. 
 
 " Be the ghost ov me dead ould grandmother, 
 but he's got bate ! " said another ; and this 
 seemed to be the most favourite theory. 
 
 And they shook down some straw for him, 
 and left him to come to ; though it might have 
 been supposed that the rough ride from the 
 whinny knowe would have produced anima- 
 tion. 
 
 At last a soldier, more considerate than the 
 rest, got a pail of cold water, and dashed it over 
 him ; watching the effect, as he might be sup- 
 posed to have done if he had been splash- 
 ing it over the dusty fetlocks of a tired 
 roadster. 
 
 The opening eyes of O'Neil showed him, at 
 
SHANE O'NEIL. 
 
 93 
 
 last, that the water had done its work. So he 
 left off. He knew that he would be cursed, or 
 kicked, if he continued the operation, after 
 O JN eil revived. 
 
 This considerate soldier's name was Peter 
 Taafe. He came from Drogheda, where his 
 reputed father, a friar, had by Cromwell's 
 soldiers, on the 11th September, 1649, been 
 made an end of. 
 
 The soldiers were soon on their march to 
 Dublin. 
 
 Shane O'Neil grumbled a little, as he ima- 
 gined that he was ill-used, not being able to 
 stay to have his revenge on Harrington. 
 
 But the rest of them were not sorry to <*et 
 out of the North. They had not spent too 
 comfortable a time there. Some of them had 
 been beaten, on their forays, and a few of them 
 had mysteriously disappeared. 
 
 Not very much inquiry was made after 
 missing men; for it was generally found that 
 good evidence could be rendered of very cruel 
 and very lawless conduct on their part. So it 
 was thought as well to hush up the loss sus- 
 tained, and to remain as quiet as might be, in 
 the interest of King James. 
 
94 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Newry was passed, and Dundalk, on the 
 march ; and at last they reached the mud 
 hovels of Drogheda. 
 
 Crowds of wild and fantastic figures greeted 
 them as the saviours of their country, and the 
 avengers of the saints that Cromwell had put 
 to the slaughter. 
 
 Peter Taafe ran to his hut, and met his 
 lanky, black-haired wife, who threw herself 
 into his arms in greatest joy at seeing 
 him. 
 
 He had been happy at home with his wife 
 and his pig, till Lord Tyrconnel required his 
 services, and then he was quite ready to leave 
 pig and wife, and avenge the death of Father 
 Peter Taafe. 
 
 " Where did they kill Father Peter 1 * asked 
 Shane O'Neil, strutting up. 
 
 " Come, and I'll show ye, sir," replied his 
 namesake. 
 
 " It was a bloody shame ! " 
 
 " Troth an' it wus ! " 
 
 " And all for nothing, too ; for sure it was 
 only right to fight against this Oliver Crom- 
 well, the roundhead rascal ! " said O'Neil. 
 
 " It was but raysonable, in troth ; seeing as 
 
SHANE o'NEIL. 95 
 
 how they had charms, an' gospels, an' scapulars, 
 an' a tooth ov St Christopher, an' a toe ov St. 
 Peter, an' a thorn out ov the crown of the 
 Saviour, an' a bit ov the thrue cross ! " 
 
 " Had they now % " asked O'Neil. 
 
 " Och ! in troth, never a word ov a lie in it ; 
 an' they went round the town, and by St. 
 Peter's Church, an' up be the Tower, at St. 
 Sunday's gate, an' all to no use ; for the bloody 
 curse ov Cromwell came down on them with 
 it all." 
 
 "Didn't he summon the Governor to sur- 
 render 1 " 
 
 " Ov course he did ; but the Governor 
 wouldn't ; an' a power ov the boys had been 
 at the sport in the North, in '41 ; an' they 
 thought they could bate him, d'ye see ? " 
 
 How they thought a little wrong in this 
 matter is known pretty well. It is known 
 that the "bitterness," as Oliver calls it, was 
 intended by him, not for cruelty, as rose- 
 water writers say, but to "save much effu- 
 sion of blood, through the goodness of 
 God." 
 
 As it did, doubtless. 
 
 But, of course, all this could not be very- 
 
9G UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 well appreciated by the regiment now halted 
 
 at Drogheda, on their way to Dublin ; reaching 
 the metropolis, as they did, next day, and 
 Leaving behind them, for a while, the banks of 
 the Boyne. 
 
CHAPTEE XIV. 
 
 GOOSEBERRY GATHERING. 
 
 Willtamfield Garden was rich in goose- 
 berry bushes. Captain William Harrington 
 had brought the plants over from England. 
 He had brought over, too, a famous recipe 
 for making gooseberry wine ; and, in sunny 
 summer days, there was always much merry 
 and pleasant work, when it came to making 
 of the wine. 
 
 There was a long row of bushes, margining 
 a rivulet, in which shone often the pinky light 
 of the berries hanging thick upon the bushes, 
 by the water. Down anions: these bushes 
 came many a merle and mavis, furtively, and 
 flew off, with beak buried in the juicy fruit, 
 that was carried to a grey ash-branch in the 
 grove, to be eagerly swallowed. 
 
 When the gooseberries were ripe, Jasper 
 
98 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Harrington used sometimes to watch this row, 
 with his gun, in hopes of surprising, not the 
 melodious mavis and merle, but greedier and 
 more destructive plunderers, that came, some- 
 times in dozens, and lighted down among the 
 bushes, with flapping wing. 
 
 But rarely indeed was it that these robbers 
 let Jasper get a shot at them, as, timid and 
 wary, they ceased their movements for a mo- 
 ment, and flew away. 
 
 A pity — is it not ? — that anything of 
 such musical note as the ringdove should be 
 mischievous at all. Yet here is Nature's 
 invariable post-paradisiacal law. The bird that 
 gathers and devours the rich, ripe fruit that 
 you would save, is the same that, when the 
 fruit was only blossom, and the early bee was 
 seeking it for honey, used to charm by its 
 mournful melody, as it swayed to and fro on 
 the outmost twig of yon o'erhanging branch, its 
 skyey robing glinted upon by the evening sun. 
 
 When this long row of bushes was stripped 
 of its treasure, there was generally a merrier 
 day than ordinary. Of late years, and ever 
 since she was a child, Annie Wharton had 
 helped at the gathering. 
 
GOOSEBEERY GATHERING. 99 
 
 " Oil ! do let me help ! " she had said, one 
 day, long ago, and she had come, but had not 
 very much helped. 
 
 And then, in after years, it was, " When are 
 the gooseberries to be pulled ? " 
 
 Meaning thereby when will come the merry 
 day when I, Annie Wharton, have a prescriptive 
 right to come over to Williamfield, and do as 
 much gooseberry picking as I like, and as 
 much laughing and talking, too ? For a good 
 while, the laughing and talking exceeding in 
 quantity the gooseberry picking by a very 
 great deal. 
 
 But, last year, though there was a good deal 
 of talking and laughing, there was plenty of 
 work done; and nobody in all the garden 
 gathered as much fruit, and filled as many 
 dishes and bowls, as the grand-daughter of good 
 Master Elijah Brown. 
 
 And now, the gooseberries were to be 
 gathered to-morrow, and there was no word of 
 Annie. That she had not sent or come to ask 
 about the picking, nobody wondered. 
 
 There was but little intercourse between 
 Williamfield and Brown's cottage now. On all 
 sides, there was rather a shrinking off; nothing 
 
 H 2 
 
100 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 very positive or defined in it, but equally as 
 effective as if there bad been. 
 
 So Charlotte Harrington was somewhat 
 startled to hear, as she sat sewing, this question 
 of Jasper, — 
 
 " Is Annie coming to-morrow { " 
 
 It was the naturalest thing in the world that 
 Charlotte should redden at this question. She 
 had not heard much from Jasper of that O'Neil 
 affair, but she had heard plenty from other 
 people — plenty more, too, than she need have 
 heard, if she had been very cordially moved 
 towards Annie ; and very much more than she 
 would have heard, if she had only listened to 
 the truth. 
 
 It was natural enough, too, that Jasper, not 
 being answered, should repeat his question in 
 rather a preremptory manner ; and get a con- 
 siderable degree of red in his own face, by the 
 mere force of sympathy. 
 
 To the repeated question, Charlotte answered 
 in a low tone, — 
 
 " I don't know." 
 
 Jasper said nothing. 
 
 It was Charlotte's turn to put a question 
 now, so she asked her brother, — 
 
GOOSEBERRY GATHERING. 101 
 
 " Do you think she ought ? " 
 
 And Jasper was puzzled a little by the 
 question. 
 
 At last he said, — 
 
 "111 tell you what, Charlotte/' 
 
 "Well?" 
 
 " I'll go and ask her to come ; and, if she 
 ought, she will; and if she oughtn't, she 
 won't." 
 
 Charlotte gave a little shrug of her shoulders, 
 just enough to show that she did not quite 
 believe in that system of reasoning. Still, she 
 thought she might safely leave the matter 
 thus, especially as Annie Wharton had never 
 been near Williamfield since that evenino- we 
 
 o 
 
 know of. 
 
 And, from what she had heard, she did not 
 think it likely that Annie would come, especially 
 after that evenino-. 
 
 On the whole, then, as the matter passed in 
 quick review through her keen woman's brain, 
 it seemed the safest plan to leave it as it was ; 
 and not, by any foolish show of opposition 
 to Jasper, rouse up his feelings, and operate 
 prejudicially upon them. Prejudicially, that is, 
 as she viewed the matter. 
 
102 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 So, without any opposition, she saw Jasper 
 depart for the cottage ; and, if the truth were 
 told, sat sewing on much more confident of the 
 result than Jasper was as he went whistling 
 along. 
 
 As he reached the cottage, Armie was sitting 
 under the sycamore tree, in her basket chair. 
 She was looking up at the blackbird in its cage, 
 and sighing. She did not seem to hear Jasper 
 coming ; though, strange enough, Jasper heard 
 the sigh. He was listening, and she was 
 dreaming. 
 
 For a moment he hesitated, and then said, 
 " Annie." 
 
 And she rose quietly, with faintest tinge of 
 blush, and spoke to him. 
 
 " Good evening, Jasper," she said ; and 
 placed her hand quietly in his. 
 
 She looked pale, and did not laugh or smile, 
 as she said this. The faint tinge of blush had 
 gone away. Into Jasper's face came colour for 
 both of them. Nor was this odd, when the 
 object with which he came is remembered. 
 
 "To-morrow will be gooseberry-picking 
 day, Annie ; won't you come \ " he stammered 
 out. 
 
GOOSEBERRY GATHERING. 103 
 
 " I think not," said the girl, softly. 
 
 " Why not ? " 
 
 " Do you think I ought ? " Annie asked. 
 
 Here was a poser for Jasper, — especially as 
 it was this very question that he had decided 
 that Annie was to answer for herself. 
 
 All that Jasper could think of, 1)}' way of 
 reply, therefore was — 
 
 " You always did come, Annie." 
 
 Annie was silent. 
 
 " And you know you gathered far more than 
 any of them last year, Annie," he went on. 
 
 " I think you must do without me this year," 
 said Annie, in a low voice, and, Jasper thought, 
 reluctantly. 
 
 "Well, you see, Annie, I wish you could 
 come," he continued. " I told Charlotte I was 
 sure if you ought to come, you would, and if — " 
 
 "If I oughtn't to come, I wouldn't; was 
 that it ? " 
 
 : ' Yes," said Jasper, somewhat confusedly^ 
 
 " And did she think I oughtn't to come ? " 
 
 " I don't know ; it doesn't matter what she 
 thought, Annie ; don't you mind." 
 
 " But, if I don't go, will Charlotte think that 
 it is because I oughtn't to go ? " 
 
104 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " I suppose she -will." 
 
 " Well, Jasper, I'll go/' said Annie, looking 
 into his nice, with her clear blue eyes, so truth- 
 fully. 
 
 " I am very glad, Annie," said Jasper, in 
 somewhat of a quivering voice ; " it would not 
 seem like gooseberry picking without you." 
 
 And so there was a farewell, and a promise 
 that Annie would go over early to Williamfield; 
 and then Jasper returned home. 
 
 " She's coming ! " he said to Charlotte, still 
 sitting sewing. 
 
 " Is she \ " said Charlotte. 
 
 And that was all that passed between the 
 brother and sister on the subject. 
 
 Next morning came little Annie, neat and 
 trim, to the gate, and quietly walked up to the 
 residence of the Harringtons. 
 
 Charlotte was trying to decide a question 
 that many people try to decide. This was it. 
 How, under certain circumstances, neither to 
 be too stiff nor too cordial, but to be very 
 ■proper. Conventional people would not, for 
 the life of them, show that they were glad to 
 see you if they were glad ; nor would they 
 show that they wished you at the antipodes, as 
 
GOOSEBERRY GATHERING. 105 
 
 they far oftener do. For, indeed, conventional 
 people, be it made known, very seldom are 
 glad to see any one ; and very often, only for 
 their stuck-up habits, would show that they 
 were very much the reverse. 
 
 Charlotte Harrington was not very glad to 
 .see Annie Wharton ; and she did not wish to 
 show that she was not. So she succeeded in 
 being spasmodically cordial, as most people 
 manage to be under similar circumstances. 
 
 Posed a little, too, she was, when Annie 
 said, — 
 
 " I suppose you didn't expect me ? " 
 
 " Well, dear, I didn't know." 
 
 " Perhaps you thought I ought not to come." 
 
 "Well, dear, I supposed that you would 
 know best." 
 
 " But what did you think ? " 
 
 "Well, really now," said Charlotte, "what 
 could I think, you see % " 
 
 Annie said nothing to this. After a pause, 
 she looked full into Charlotte's face, as she had 
 looked into Jasper's when she said she would 
 come, and asked her — 
 
 " What did Jasper think ? " 
 
 Was she a little nervous as she asked this ? 
 
10G UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Or did it only seem so to Charlotte Harring- 
 ton % 
 
 And why did Charlotte answer, quickly, 
 
 " Oh ! you must ask Jasper himself." 
 
 Did not Charlotte feel satisfied, as she saw 
 Annie blush at this, that she would not ask 
 Jasper ? Did not her own womanly feelings 
 tell her that this was out of the question 1 
 Why was it that she did nothing to help poor 
 Annie out of her difficulty, and give her ever 
 so little encouragement to come to an expla- 
 nation'? 
 
 Annie's face was all rosiest red when she 
 spoke next, in a low tone, and looking down. 
 
 " I see you have thought ill of me, Charlotte." 
 
 Charlotte was silent. 
 
 " I know not what I said, that night ; I 
 ought to have given thanks to Jasper, seeing 
 all the — the wrong that he saved me from." 
 
 Can it be said that Charlotte was pleased to 
 hear this ? It would be injustice to let her lie 
 under the weight of an accusation of such un- 
 womanliness as would be implied by the state- 
 ment that she was not. And yet, all the time 
 she was revolving in her mind how she would 
 be able to keep matters as they had been, when 
 
GOOSEBERRY GATHERING. 107 
 
 a misunderstanding on the subject had been at 
 its height. 
 
 She ought to have been melted, surely, when 
 Annie took her hands, and looked into her face, 
 and said, — 
 
 " Will you tell Jasper this, Charlotte dear ? " 
 And she did not say that she wouldn't tell 
 him. 
 
 She kissed little Annie, as they went to the 
 gooseberry picking. But it was not a true 
 and honest kiss. 
 
CHAPTER XV. 
 
 AN UNJUST JUDGE. 
 
 " Well, my Lord Chancellor, we get on 
 tolerably." 
 
 " Blast me, Rice, if you do. Damn it, Fitton, 
 I don't agree with the Chief Baron," said the 
 Lord Deputy, striking the table, and addressing 
 the Lord Chancellor of Ireland. 
 
 Sir Stephen Rice did not say anything. 
 He did not like to cross Tyrconnel. He 
 knew that the Lord Deputy was indebted to 
 him for getting him out of more than one 
 scrape. He knew that Tyrconnel coidd not 
 get on well sometimes without him. But 
 still he thought it better to try and keep him 
 in good humour, and not say or do very much 
 to vex him. 
 
 The Lord Chancellor struck in, — 
 
 " Why, the Act of Settlement " 
 
AN UNJUST JUDGE. 109 
 
 " Perdition seize the Act of Settlement ! " 
 cried the Lord Deputy. 
 
 " Leave that to me," said the Chief Baron of 
 the Exchequer, " I'll drive a coach and six 
 horses through it." 
 
 "You're damned slow, then, Kice ; that's all 
 I say," replied Tyrconnel. 
 
 " The Protestants don't think so, your Excel- 
 lency." 
 
 "Curse the Protestants ! " 
 
 " Only to-day, one was making a great row, 
 because I said that his title looked a forgery," 
 continued the Lord Chief Baron. 
 
 "Forgery ! " ejaculated the Lord Chancellor. 
 
 " Damn the heretic ! Of course it was a 
 forgery," shouted the Lord Deputy, looking 
 hard at the Lord Chancellor, and winking at 
 Sir Stephen Rice. 
 
 Lord Chancellor Fitton pretended to laugh ; 
 but he didn't just like the turn that the 
 conversation had taken. He had rather an 
 uncomfortable feeling when anything was said 
 about forgeries ; for he couldn't help thinking 
 chat people's minds were always dwelling upon 
 the wonderful call he received to the King's 
 favour, and how, like one of Pharaoh's ser- 
 
110 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 vants, lie had been taken from prison and 
 promoted, whereas he better deserved the fate 
 of the other — hanging ! 
 
 Just now, however, as he was dining with 
 the Lord Deputy, he must not fail in good 
 manners. 
 
 So he cursed. 
 
 " Damn the heretic ! He and his are all 
 rogues ; there's not one in forty thousand of 
 them that's not a villain !" 
 
 "Ay are they, and blasted traitors, all of 
 them ! " Tyrconnel said, with another bang- 
 down of his hand on the table. 
 
 " Who was the fellow ? A Northern, I dare 
 say," continued the Chancellor. 
 
 " Yes ; Harrington was his name." 
 
 " Did you finish the case ? " 
 
 "No ; to-morrow we will." 
 
 "Will he gain his cause, Rice 1 ?" asked the 
 Lord Deputy. 
 
 And Sir Stephen Rice, Chief Baron of the 
 Exchequer, threw back his head, decorously, 
 and laughed, — 
 
 "Ha! ha! ha!" 
 
 So did the Lord Chancellor, when he had 
 appreciated the joke. 
 
AN UNJUST JUDGE. Ill 
 
 And so did the Lord Deputy, as the party 
 broke up. 
 
 Jasper Harrington's success was omened ill 
 for, by all this mirth and merriment. 
 
 "When Shane O'Neil's regiment left Belfast 
 for Dublin, Jasper had imagined that he was 
 well rid of a very troublesome and hostile 
 personage. He had learned from Baldwin 
 Leighton, when the regiment arrived in Dublin, 
 that O'Neil had been seen walking in some of 
 the meadows near the College with a Popish 
 lawyer, and had been heard to utter mysterious 
 threats against Harrington. Jasper took no 
 notice of this. He readily supposed the threats 
 to refer to that quarrel in the North ; and, as 
 for the lawyer, Jasper, being a soldier, had a 
 very low opinion of that class of people. 
 
 But, a week after the gooseberry gathering, 
 a very urgent letter from his friend called him 
 up to Dublin, to defend an action of ejectment 
 that was being brought against him, in the 
 Court of Exchequer, by Shane O'Neil ; who 
 claimed to be the heir of the former owner of 
 that property which had been granted, for his 
 valour and loyalty, to Captain William Har- 
 rington. 
 
112 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 There had been little delay in pressing on 
 the suit, and less attention to all ordinary legal 
 forms. Indeed, that any forms were gone 
 through at all in the matter is rather sur- 
 prising, seeing the inevitable result to which 
 all such actions tended. 
 
 Of this Jasper was scarcely aware, till, on 
 the morning of the trial, he arrived at the 
 " English Oak," and met Leighton there, in a 
 great state of excitement. 
 
 "Why, Harrington, how long you have 
 been ! Your cause comes on to-day." 
 
 " Does it ? Of course this fellow will make 
 nothing of his action." 
 
 " Will he not ? Is that all you know of 
 Stevie Eice ? " 
 
 " What do you mean, Leighton 1 " 
 
 " Mean ? That Rice played away all his 
 own property, and now he's playing away tlit* 
 property of every Protestant that comes into 
 his court." 
 
 " But I'll appeal to England." 
 
 " There's no appeal from the Exchequer, my 
 poor friend, I'm sorry to say." 
 
 "Whatstobe done?" 
 
AN UNJUST JUDGE. 113 
 
 " Faith, I don't know, Harrington ; I'm 
 heartily sorry for you." 
 
 " Well really this is ; but I can't believe 
 
 things are so bad as you make them, out ; I 
 cannot, indeed ! " 
 
 Leighton shook his head and said nothing. 
 He had seen enough of the practice of the 
 Courts to know that his view of the case 
 was only too correct. And he feared that 
 Jasper would agree with him, only too soon. 
 So he let him live a little longer on 
 hope. 
 
 Aud who of us, with heart at all, would 
 diminish one hour, one moment, of the hope 
 of a friend ? Who of us, seeing a cherished 
 one fading away, and loving eyes still looking 
 hopefully on waning bloom, would bid the 
 eyes grow dim before their time, and seek the 
 clammy soil where the worm is crawling ? 
 Who of us, over the grave, would stand and 
 say, " Hope not, fond fool ! Despair, rather ! 
 Be a man ; curse God ; and die ? " 
 
 Hope came to poor man after loss of Para- 
 dise. Before that, everything was in posses- 
 sion ; there was nothing to hope for. After 
 that, when all was lost, Hope came, with hang- 
 
114 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 ing head, and trembling lip ; and taking man's 
 hand, bade liim look upward. 
 
 And, ever since, in many a dark and dreary 
 hour, when life, and light, and love seemed 
 departing, Hope came to the soul, and the soul 
 lived, and went on to love, and to believe, 
 because it had begun to hope. 
 
 Devils do many things, and men help them 
 in their deeds; but, of all the men that go 
 partnership with Satan in his eternal-perdition 
 trade, he does the best business for the head of 
 the firm who from any mortal bosom for ever 
 drives away Hope ! 
 
 But Jasper's hope, certainly, did not last 
 much longer than that day in the Court of 
 Exchequer. Still, as the case was not finally 
 disposed of, he could not believe the worst. 
 
 Next day, it came on again. 
 
 The Lord Chancellor was there, beside the 
 Lord Chief Baron. People had given up won- 
 dering at the eccentricities of the Lord Chan- 
 cellor, and of the Courts, or they would have 
 wondered to see him there. 
 
 Jasper's title was apparently good enough. 
 However, Sir Stephen Eice, after examination 
 of it, pronounced it bad, informal, illegal ; very 
 
AN UNJUST JUDGE. 115 
 
 likely forged ; and decided that the property 
 was to revert to the representative of the 
 original possessor. 
 
 Then Shane O'Neil, all exultant, proved that 
 he was the son of Owen O'Neil, and that Owen 
 O'Neil had been seized of the property now 
 called Williamneld, near Lisburn, in the county 
 of Antrim. 
 
 Up stood a tall, wiry man, with long frieze 
 cloak, and made some attempt, not altogether 
 unsuccessful, to make himself understood in 
 English. 
 
 " Och ! may I spake 1 " he shouted. 
 
 " Who are you ? " asked the Chief Baron. 
 
 " I'm the rale Shane O'Neil ! " 
 
 " It's a lie, my lord," said the other. 
 
 " Holy Vargin ! Tear an' ages ! Is it me 
 tell a lie ! " 
 
 " It's a lie, my lord ! " continued Shane, in a 
 very excited state, rushing over, and shaking 
 his fist in the other's face. 
 
 "Niver a lie is it at all! He's only a 
 bodagh's daughter's bastard ! " yelled the tall 
 fellow, drawing a skean, and making at Har- 
 rington's old antagonist. 
 
 " The villain ! to dare to take my mother's 
 
 I 2 
 
110 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 name in his mouth ! " shouted Shane, fiercely 
 excited. 
 
 The whole court was in an uproar. The 
 rival claimants were making at each other, 
 with flashing eyes and veins starting up in 
 their foreheads. 
 
 " Get between them, some of you ! " roared 
 the Lord Chancellor, in a loud voice ; which he 
 needed to do, to be heard above the din. And 
 he pointed to Leighton, as if he expected him 
 to interfere. Of course that gentleman had not 
 the slightest intention of meddling in the mat- 
 ter ; so he only shrugged his shoulders, and 
 prepared to move away. 
 
 Here a priest, who was in the court, hurried 
 forward, and put a hand on each. 
 
 " My sons, what is this % Peace, peace, my 
 sons ' 
 
 The rivals glared at each other, but they did 
 not attempt to fight now. Each, not much 
 loving the other, had too great fear of the holy 
 father to dare to disobey. 
 
 Father Bernard Donovan, having thus caused 
 a cessation of hostilities, as civilised people 
 would say, begged to be permitted to tell his 
 story. 
 
AX UNJUST JUDGE. 1L7 
 
 Which he did, at too great length to be 
 given here. 
 
 The upshot of it was that he pronounced our 
 friend Shane to be the real son, and true heir, 
 of Owen O'Neil. 
 
 The Court, of course, being bound to believe 
 a priest, confirmed Shane's claim, and he was 
 now to be put in possession of Jasper's pleasant 
 phice. 
 
 The correctness of the priests testimony will 
 not be called in question. Although there never 
 was any corroboration of it, it was never 
 contradicted. 
 
 Unless that could be called such which was 
 overheard by Harrington and Leighton, as they 
 left the court, the tall pretender to the pro- 
 perty scowling on his successful rival, and 
 muttering — 
 
 " Troth an' a bodagh's daughter's bastard he 
 is ; for she confessed it to the praste, before she 
 died. They didn't see me hidin', an' listening 
 but I wuz. A bodaorh's daughter's bastard he 
 is, and was swapped in the fostering •, an' 
 Father Barney Donovan's his father, too." 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 OMENS. 
 
 "We must have High Mass to-morrow, in 
 honour of the King," said Lord Tyrconnel to 
 the Popish archbishop, coming to the castle on 
 the 13th of October. 
 
 " Very well, your Excellency, be it so," 
 replied the ecclesiastic, rubbing his hands 
 together, in high glee at the great progress 
 Popery was making in Ireland. 
 
 " By-the-bye, did your Grace hear the tidings 
 from Holland ? " asked Tyrconnel, in a lower 
 tone. 
 
 11 Nothing; of recent date." 
 
 "No? There is something astir there, de- 
 pend upon it." 
 
 " Of what nature ? " 
 
 " The Prince of Orange means mischief," 
 replied Tyrconnel. 
 
OMENS. 1]9 
 
 " These heretics always are viperish ; would 
 to Heaven we could crush them all ! " ejacu- 
 lated the archbishop, looking up to heaven as 
 he spoke. 
 
 A raven flew over his head. It sailed away 
 slowly towards the sea. It was about to prey 
 upon some unclean thing, lying rotting away 
 out of sight. 
 
 As the archbishop looked up, with such sort 
 of pious glance as one, under the circumstances, 
 might expect, the raven, in hoarse and hollow 
 voice, cried " Cro — ak !" 
 
 The archbishop was superstitious. 
 
 He glanced at the Lord Deputy, scarcely 
 knowing whether or not to notice the bird, till 
 he should see whether it had been noticed by 
 Tyrconnel. 
 
 When he saw that it had, he ventured to 
 observe — 
 
 " A bad omen, my Lord Deputy ! " 
 
 " God blast it ! " shouted Tyrconnel, in a 
 fury, not willing to confess that he had been 
 thinking the same thing himself. 
 
 And this, you see, was the sort of prepara- 
 tion for celebrating the King's birthday on the 
 morrow. 
 
120 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Before mass there was a letter from the 
 King for the Lord Deputy. 
 
 "The Prince of Orange is surely coming," 
 he wrote. 
 
 " Of course he is ! " said Tyrconnel to him- 
 self. 
 
 '•' But I will not give in " 
 
 " Good king ! " * 
 
 " For the Virgin will interfere, and save her 
 son." 
 
 " Jesus or James ? " irreverently ejaculated 
 Tyrconnel, rather reddening as he saw one in 
 waiting to announce that mass was just about 
 to be celebrated, and that the archbishop was 
 impatient. 
 
 Now, just as they were at mass there came a 
 gust of wind that made the Lord Deputy start. 
 
 He scarcely heeded the bowing of the cele- 
 brants, and almost forgot to prostrate himself 
 at the elevation of the Host. 
 
 With that gust the wind, which had been 
 westerly, changed to the east. Leaving the 
 chapel, he felt the biting blast, and cursed, as 
 was his fashion ; not because the blast was 
 biting, but because the wind was east, and 
 because he knew that thousands of people in 
 
OMENS. 121 
 
 England and Ireland were praying for such a 
 wind, to bring the Prince of Orange over. 
 
 " God confound the wind ! " he muttered. 
 
 It blew a strong, stiff breeze. 
 
 " His Majesty is not fortunate to-day, me- 
 thinks/' ventured a courtier. 
 
 Tyrconnel replied with an oath. 
 
 " The darkened sun " 
 
 " Confound the sun ! Why, sirrah, dost 
 thou talk of this eclipse as if it had aught to 
 do with the Kins: % " 
 
 "Pardon, your Excellency, I meant it not 
 so ; but still it chilled one. And this east 
 wind " 
 
 " Ay, this east wind," said the archbishop, 
 chiming in, "is a bad thing. It brought an 
 invading army once to England." 
 
 "Did it, faith ? " asked Tyrconnel. 
 
 " And on this very day, or my scholarly lore 
 is at fault, the victory was gained over Harold 
 by the army of William the Conqueror." 
 
 " Lucky, then, I sent over those soldiers to 
 aid his Majesty/' said the Lord Deputy, " else 
 there might have been another William the 
 Conqueror in England." 
 
 " Well said, my Lord Tyrconnel, well said," 
 
122 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 replied the archbishop, as he departed, leaving 
 the Lord Deputy to curse the wind, the sun, 
 and the Prince of Orange. 
 
 Just as the poor Protestants of Dublin were, 
 in fear and trembling, going to their churches 
 to worship God. 
 
 " "Well, Harrington," said Leighton, who 
 walked along with his friend, " what think ye 
 of the times ? " 
 
 "Think? I think that if this Prince of 
 Orange is coming, it is time he laid to his 
 hand," replied Harrington. 
 
 " He is coming," whispered Leighton. 
 
 " Say you so, of a surety ? " 
 
 " Yes ; he is coming. To-day, to-morrow, 
 or the next day, he may set sail. Everything 
 is ready ; and the people will thank God for 
 this easterly wind." 
 
 " I was thinking of this as we walked 
 alone;." 
 
 " What do you mean to do, Harrington \ " 
 
 " Verily, I know not." 
 
 " Seek the Prince of Orange's employment." 
 
 " I desire not to leave Ireland," said Har- 
 rington, reddening slightly ; " for weal or woe, 
 my lot is cast in with this land." 
 
OMENS. 123 
 
 "Many good and brave men are leaving, 
 and such soldiers of fortune as you and I have 
 but little to cause us to stay." 
 
 "True; very true. Still, if the Prince 
 should come, it would be well that he had 
 some friends in this place," Harrington an- 
 swered, as they entered the church. 
 
 They were late. The clergyman was read- 
 ing the psalms. 
 
 " Deliver me, God, out of the hand of the 
 ungodly: out of the hand of the unrighteous 
 and cruel man." 
 
 These were the words that fell from the lips 
 of Dr. King, as Harrington and Leighton took 
 their places quietly. 
 
 Involuntarily they exchanged glances, and 
 the hearts of the soldiers were touched with a 
 strange feeling, as they looked upon those poor 
 persecuted ones, met together in these adverse 
 days, to seek, in the service of the Holy One, 
 strength and consolation. 
 
 Nor had the effect of the service worn away 
 as they wandered out to Clontarf, after it was 
 over, to look upon the sparkling ripples of 
 the sea. 
 
 It was wild enough, and cold enough, that 
 
124 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 October day, but the sun would come out 
 through the clouds and shine upon the water, 
 tossed up by that easterly wind which was the 
 answer of Heaven to that prayer in the psalm. 
 
 Far out to sea wandered the gaze of Har- 
 rington. 
 
 The waves were before him, rolling over the 
 sand, as they had rolled for many thousand 
 years. And the clouds were as waves on the 
 other sea, beyond which was the shore where 
 the angels walked, under the sunshine of the 
 smile of God. 
 
 But none of these sights moved him. 
 
 He was thinking of that cottage away in tin- 
 North, where the sycamore leaves would be 
 blown over the roof by the wind. 
 
 And as he thought, there came a passionate 
 longing over him to see little Annie, and ask 
 her to share with him whatever fate, for good 
 or ill, was before him. 
 
 It came upon him there, standing by the 
 seashore and listening to the sound of the 
 plashing waves. 
 
 It came upon him, and it grew and grew till 
 he felt as if he would go mad. For with it 
 there came a boding of ill, and a wretched, 
 
OMENS. 125 
 
 miserable feeling of a great wall of separation 
 that love could not get over for ever and ever. 
 
 And then he began to reproach himself for 
 leaving undone what he ought to have done, 
 and a dark, dreary thing shaped itself before 
 him into irrevocable fate. 
 
 If he had been alone he would have rhino; 
 himself upon the sand, or rushed along, to 
 escape from himself. But now he had to 
 crush the thing into his soul, and try to be as 
 he deemed it proper that a man should. 
 
 Yet his friend was startled to hear him 
 exclaim, as he looked on the sea — 
 
 "Fool! fool! fool!" 
 
CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 LIGHT. 
 
 " Peaise the Lord, lie has come ! " 
 
 " Ob, welcome, uncle Peter ! We wondered 
 much what made you so long delay," ex- 
 claimed Annie Wharton, throwing her arms 
 round the neck of the speaker, and then lead- 
 ing; him into the cottage. 
 
 " Where is your grandfather, lassie ? " 
 
 " He is out about some new trouble with the 
 Williamfield people," said Annie, looking 
 grave. 
 
 " The Harringtons ? " 
 
 " No, no," replied the maiden, hastily, "they 
 are not there, now ; they have left. One of 
 Tp-connel's men has got the place, and put 
 a quarrelsome fellow in, to hold it for him." 
 
 " I heard not this ill news. He was manly 
 and well favoured, that Harrington." 
 
LIGHT. 127 
 
 Annie blushed quite reel. She said nothing 
 in reply, except, — 
 
 " Here is grandfather." 
 
 For, just then, Master Elijah Brown made 
 his appearance, wearing a very wrathful coun- 
 tenance ; as well he might, — one of his best 
 beasts having been found killed, just inside the 
 precincts of Williamfield. 
 
 " Bad times, bad times, Peter ! " was his 
 salutation. 
 
 " He's come ! " was the answer. 
 
 "Who?" 
 
 " The Prince of Orange." 
 
 " Praise be to the Lord Almighty, who has 
 not given over his sheep as a prey to the 
 wolves," piously said Master Elijah ; and he, 
 verily, felt as he spoke. 
 
 "Ay, the news is glorious, man ; it would 
 make the very dead saints almost sing for joy. 
 Would to God some of them had lived to see 
 this day! " 
 
 " But how heard ye the news ? " 
 
 " It came to Belfast, over from Scotland, 
 and they say there have been grand doings, on 
 the Prince's march." 
 
 " I doubt it not." 
 
128 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " They say it was a great sight to see his 
 standard borne along, with the words, ' I will 
 maintain the Protestant religion and the 
 liberties of England.' ' 
 
 " God has raised up a deliverer for us ; to 
 Him be glory and praise, for ever." 
 
 "Amen ! " 
 
 The response came from the doorway. It 
 startled all those assembled inside. But none 
 so much as the little maiden, who blushed and 
 trembled all over. 
 
 " Oh ! Jasper ! " she cried, half starting for- 
 ward, and then standing still, with her eyes 
 bent upon the ground. 
 
 The reason of this was that it flashed upon 
 her mind that Charlotte Harrington must 
 have explained everything to Jasper; and 
 yet that Jasper had never been near her 
 since. 
 
 " Well, Annie," exclaimed Jasper, " how 
 are you ? "Well, Master Elijah, the Deliverer 
 has come ! " 
 
 " Ay, Jasper." 
 
 " Grand news, sir ; grand news," uncle 
 Peter chimed in. 
 
 "Not for my Lord Tyrconnel," said Jasper 
 
LIGHT. 129 
 
 with a smile, drawing over towards the fire 
 that was burning upon the hearthstone. 
 
 "Methinks," said Elijah Brown, nodding his 
 head slowly up and down, as the fashion of 
 some reflective people is; "methinks that there 
 will be yet some trouble in the land ; and that 
 the sons of Belial will not, all at once, cease 
 to sport themselves in the heritage of the 
 Lord." 
 
 " There is great dismay among the Papists, 
 now," Jasper observed. 
 
 :{ But natural. This will not last, it may 
 be. They will take heart speedily, if there 
 should be delay in settling things in Eng- 
 land." 
 
 " And how will they settle things ? " Annie 
 ventured to ask. 
 
 Jasper looked at her. 
 
 The question showed much progress in 
 thought, and more care for public matters than 
 the maiden at sixteen a year ago had been 
 wont to exhibit. 
 
 But people made great progress in thought, 
 and in action, too, those days. 
 
 Loyal people, even, vowing and protesting 
 that they would never, under any circum- 
 
130 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 stances, desert the King, found themselves, 
 a few days after, in the camp of the 
 Prince. 
 
 The process, probably, was somewhat after 
 this fashion. 
 
 A king, a court, a tradition of loyalty, and a 
 general confused idea that it would be the 
 unpardonable sin to adulterate the anointing 
 oH. 
 
 Then, a kind of mental chemistry, in which 
 the anointing oil was resolved into its compo- 
 nent parts ; and found not to have any divi- 
 nity in it, after all. 
 
 "Wonder, next, whether there was any divi- 
 nity anywhere in the matter. 
 
 Marvellous flight of some profound talker on 
 "divine right," and "implicit obedience." 
 
 " What is prudent, now ? " 
 
 (Not what is right ?) 
 
 Who is to win ? Prince or King ? 
 
 Prince ! 
 
 Hurrah for the Prince of Oransre ! 
 
 And so some respectable people went over. 
 One or two, and one or two more. 
 
 Aud they will be busy, doing the same 
 thing always on such occasions. 
 
LIGHT. 131 
 
 Specially abusing you and me, if we say 
 so, you know! 
 
 You and I, who know better, and have due 
 respect for the people who do things because 
 they are popular, and not because they are 
 right, will keep never minding ; and do just as 
 we think is right. 
 
 Being sometimes a little in advance of other 
 people. 
 
 And, therefore, duly prepared to suffer any 
 amount of abuse ; because other people, very 
 excellent in their way, think it a very aston- 
 ishing thing that they can really see the points 
 of their own noses ! 
 
 All this, you think, has very little to do 
 with Annie Wharton. 
 
 Who, when Jasper looked at her, wondered 
 he did not answer her question. But Jasper 
 was too busy thinking, to answer it. 
 
 So uncle Peter took up the matter, and 
 said, — 
 
 " God alone knows." 
 
 " I hope they'll give me back my own," ex- 
 claimed Jasper. 
 
 This opened the way for Annie to ask,— 
 
 " Where is your sister now ? " 
 
 ic2 
 
132 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " Charlotte 1 She is in Londonderry." 
 
 " And is well ? " 
 
 "Quite well." 
 
 " Are you going ? " asked Master Elijah. 
 
 And that brought the bright red blushes 
 into Annie's face. 
 
 The bright red blushes, the half-restrained 
 breathing, the tightening of the lips, proved 
 that she had great interest in that question. 
 
 And it was, of a certainty, a question of 
 interest; is, oftentimes. 
 
 Oftentimes, too, it is asked silently ; often- 
 times by a quick glance from a loving eye ; 
 oftentimes by an electric pain-flush across the 
 face. 
 
 "Are you going \ " 
 
 Going ; and I left ; left to think on, and 
 wear, and wear, all the time you are away ; 
 to wonder if you will come back ; to wonder if 
 you will remember ; to see you, perhaps here- 
 after in memory only, and to think, for ever 
 and for ever, why did you not stay 2 
 
 And then, to ask the question of oneself. 
 To linger on the " going." To hear the foot- 
 fall fading and fading away, that bears destiny 
 in it, — perhaps irrevocable destiny. 
 
LIGHT. 183 
 
 The question may be put by Quite an indif- 
 ferent person ; is often, in fact; and to some 
 one in the room may be of utmost moment. 
 
 And that some one may not show it ; pos- 
 sibly dare not show it ; and yet, in the waiting 
 for the answer, or the taking home its full 
 meaning to the heart, there may be just as 
 much acutest agony as it is possible to bring 
 to a needle-point to pierce into a heart that 
 loves, from which all loved is going. 
 
 Not that Annie felt all this, by any means, 
 let some of it she did feel. Some of it, as 
 Jasper, not looking up, said — 
 "Yes." 
 
 'Williamfield is a hold for every unclean 
 and hateful bird, now, Jasper," old Brown 
 said; and Jasper could see that Brown had 
 some reason for this utterance. 
 
 The reply was, as you might expect from 
 Jasper, very wrathful; and, seeing all the 
 reason he had, it is not much to be wondered 
 at. 
 
 With a glance at the young maiden, he 
 would have talked of something other than 
 this ; but old Elijah's loss was too recent to 
 permit him to pass it slightly over. 
 
134 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " A murdering, thieving crew this Shane 
 O'Neil keeps in it !" he said. 
 
 That name again ! 
 
 What a host of unpleasant things it brought 
 back to memory ! 
 
 It may be that you think there should not 
 have been so much sensitiveness shown. It 
 may be that you consider Annie a little fool 
 for her pains. Very possibly you would not 
 have allowed yourself to be so much put out, 
 by the untoward circumstances which have 
 been narrated. Not unlikely some one you 
 know would have borne it better ; even bra- 
 zened it out. 
 
 But our little maiden was of another 
 mould. 
 
 And she did not feel at all sure, now, that 
 everything had been made clear to Jasper 
 about this matter. 
 
 Suspicion came with mention of Charlotte ; 
 and you can readily believe that mention of 
 Charlotte was made for the very purpose of, in 
 a maidenly way, trying to get an idea as to 
 whether the thing had been settled or not. 
 There was an upward glance, that fell again, 
 unsatisfied, this time. 
 
LIGHT. 135 
 
 And so, when the name was mentioned by 
 her grandfather, she quietly rose, and went out 
 to her seat under the sycamore. 
 
 That, you think, was a great piece of policy, 
 considering that Jasper had found her there 
 the day he came over to get her to go to the 
 gooseberry gathering. 
 
 She should not have done so ! She could 
 not have done so, if she had been the little 
 modest thing she has been made out to be ! 
 No girl would go so barefacedly, and make an 
 
 opportunity for her lover to — to — to . 
 
 indignation ! To what ? 
 
 No, no ; you wont say what ; for then, you 
 see, that would show what you would do it 
 for! 
 
 But you will let us tell ? 
 
 Ay, and be very indignant, too, if that 
 " what " is not just as you expected. 
 
 Of course it is impossible to guess what is 
 expected. But there is Aunie Wharton, sit- 
 ting under the tree ; and there is the evening 
 star coming glimmering out, from under a 
 cloud ; and there is a golden horn of the moon, 
 touching the chimney corner. 
 
 Will the cloud come over the star again? 
 
136 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Annie wonders whether it will, as she looks up 
 at it in heaven, yonder. 
 
 And then, all of a sudden, a face came very 
 close to hers ; and warm and passionate was 
 that first kiss. It was not resented, as you, of 
 course, would have resented it, and as any 
 "proper" person would have done. 
 
 Ah ! there had been too much weary long- 
 ing for love, and too much aching void, and 
 too much great misery altogether, for those 
 two hearts to be other than happy that all was 
 ended now, as the golden horn of the moon 
 rose above the corner, and the cloud cleared 
 away off the evening star ! 
 
CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 LOVE. 
 
 "My own Annie \" 
 
 " Jasper dear ! " 
 
 And this response came low and lovingly, 
 with a long-drawn sigh of perfect content, 
 as if there had never been, and would never 
 be, any such thing as misery, in this world at 
 all. 
 
 There was silence then. They were too 
 happy, too newly happy, to talk. Each felt 
 the beating of the other's heart, and knew 
 that it was full of love. 
 
 Love had cleared away all barriers be- 
 tween those hearts. There would be no 
 more power of mischief in the world to 
 divide, by misrepresentation, the one from the 
 other. 
 
 Nothing had been said of the past; but 
 
138 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 everything was felt to be true and clear by 
 Jasper in that little soul that was joined to his 
 under the stars. And that soul believed in 
 Jasper's faith and truth as firmly as it be- 
 lieved that the stars were shining. 
 
 Jasper knew that Annie loved him ; but, 
 like some other people, after a while he wanted 
 her to say so. 
 
 So he asked — 
 
 " Do you care about me, Annie ? " 
 
 "Oh! Jasper!" 
 
 " But do you % " 
 i es. 
 
 " Very much ? " 
 
 " I do. ; ' 
 
 " And how long have you cared about me?" 
 
 " Oh ! ever so long." 
 
 " Why did you not tell me so ? " 
 
 " Fie, fie, Jasper ! How can you ask that % " 
 
 " I was only jesting, Annie darling ; of 
 course, I know you would not do this/' 
 
 " Of course not, Jasper." 
 
 " But now you will be my own wife ? " 
 
 " Me ? " 
 
 " Yes, of course you will." 
 
 " ShaU I \ " 
 
LOVE. 139 
 
 And Annie ventured to look up into 
 Jaspers face. There was moonlight enough 
 to show that he was looking down into 
 hers. 
 
 And then Oh ! yes. Of course, every- 
 body knows all about it ; and there is not the 
 slightest use in dwelling any longer upon that 
 look, or telling what happened. 
 
 " Charlotte says I ought never to marry," 
 said Annie, mischievously, after what happened. 
 
 " Bother Charlotte ! " exclaimed Jasper, 
 hastily. 
 
 " Perhaps she is right.' 
 
 This was said quite demurely. 
 
 " When did she give you that piece of 
 advice ? " 
 
 " Ever so long ago ; one evening, at William- 
 field." 
 
 " That evening you ran away so hurriedly ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " And was that the reason of it \ " 
 
 " It was." 
 
 " Did Charlotte say anything about — about 
 me?" 
 
 u She did." 
 
 "What did she say?" 
 
110 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " Oh ! that it wouldn't be proper to marry 
 you, or something like that/' 
 
 " And what did my Annie say ? " 
 
 "That you had never asked me to marry 
 you, Jasper." 
 
 " And did you bear all this teasing that 
 night \ But why wouldn't it be proper, ac- 
 cording to Charlotte's notion, for Jasper Har- 
 rington to marry Annie Wharton 1 " 
 
 " Charlotte said I didn't ought to marry you, 
 for you were a gentleman ; and that I must 
 never think of it, never ! " 
 
 Foolish little Annie began to cry at this. 
 The foolishness was considerable, we must 
 admit, seeing that things had been going on as 
 they had. 
 
 But girls have been known to cry at the 
 narration of affairs in which they have borne 
 a part, when they remembered that they had 
 originally cried at that part of the trans- 
 action. 
 
 The thing is curious. We cannot explain it. 
 There are many psychological riddles connected 
 with girls that it is no part of our business to 
 attempt to solve. 
 
 All that can be done is to narrate matters as 
 
LOVE. 141 
 
 they occur, and leave other and wiser people to 
 find out the reasons for everything. 
 
 And here was Annie crying now that all 
 was right, because she had done the same when 
 Charlotte scolded her for thinking about Jasper. 
 " Oh ! but you must think of it, and of me, 
 too, when I am away/' said Jasper, merrily. 
 " And are you going 1 " 
 " I must go and see after Charlotte." 
 " Will you stay long in Londonderry ? " 
 * Indeed, I do not know, Annie dear ; not 
 longer than may be." 
 
 " Do you know, I wish that you were not 
 going, Jasper." 
 
 " Why do you wish that ? " 
 " I know not any special reason, but yet I 
 wish it, Jasper." 
 
 "All will soon be well, I trust, now that the 
 Prince of Orange has come." 
 
 " And will you be back at Williamfield 1 " 
 asked Annie, eagerly. 
 
 " I hope so ; but it is getting cold without, 
 Annie darling ; the warm fire is the fittest place 
 for you to-night." 
 
 Yet they were loath to part. 
 
 They lingered there, standing close together 
 
142 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Jasper's right arm supporting the maiden, while 
 his other hand was linked in hers. 
 
 And then there came softly out a gentle 
 sigh, as Jasper said, — 
 
 " Good night/' 
 
 And the hands did not unclasp yet, but 
 pressed each other tighter. 
 
 Nor could Annie muster up courage to return 
 the " good night ; " all she did was to sigh, and 
 look up in Jasper's face. 
 
 And Jasper could have lingered there all 
 night, for the love of that face, as the light fell 
 upon it from the moon. 
 
 But just then the cottage door opened 
 and old Elijah peered out into the night, and 
 Annie made hasty motion to take away her 
 hand. 
 
 It was tightly held ; and the little face, half 
 frightened, was turned towards the door, and 
 again turned up to Jasper. 
 
 And then there was a " good night " act, 
 finally, for the time had come. It could reason- 
 ably be delayed no longer. The old man was 
 calling Annie, and Annie must away. So 
 with a kiss, warm and loving, though the 
 night was a November one, they parted. 
 
LOVE. 143 
 
 Annie could not see Jasper looking after her, 
 as she hurried in. 
 
 Nor could Jasper hear the question of old 
 Elijah, — 
 
 " Was that some one leaving you, Annie ? " 
 
 Annie, blushing, and looking down, said it 
 was Jasper. 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 THE SHUTTING OF THE GATES. 
 
 "Oh! Jasper, did you hear the tidings?" 
 exclaimed Charlotte Harrington, rushing for- 
 ward to meet her brother, as he stood at the 
 door, with his horse's bridle thrown over his 
 arm, and his clothes covered with dust. 
 
 " About the letter ? " 
 
 " Yes, yes, brother." 
 
 " I heard it in Belfast, coming hither; and 
 be sure I failed not to spread the tidings on 
 my way." 
 
 " Isn't it dreadful ? What will become of 
 
 US I 
 
 "God only knows ! I passed Lord Antrim's 
 Papist crew on their way hither ; and verily 
 they are a villanous lot." 
 
 " It wants but a few days, now, to the 9 th ; 
 one, two, three — Sunday, too ; they do say that 
 
THE SHUTTING OF THE GATES. 115 
 
 these Papists always fix Sunday for any bloody 
 deed of theirs." 
 
 " Be you from Belfast? " asked a young man, 
 hurrying up to the traveller. 
 
 " I have been lately there, friend," Jasper 
 replied. 
 
 " Know ye one, Master Peter Wharton ? " 
 
 Jasper ventured a glance at Charlotte, and 
 then said, — 
 
 " I do." 
 
 " Mr. Gordon telt me to ask if ye brought a 
 message, or letter, from him." 
 
 "Who's Mr. Gordon?" 
 
 " Our minister." 
 
 " Well, tell your minister that Master Peter 
 is well, but that he sent neither letter nor mes- 
 sage by me." 
 
 And the youth departed. 
 
 " One cannot come here unnoticed, it seems," 
 said Jasper, leading in his horse through the 
 door to the yard at the back of the house. 
 
 " Truly, no," replied Charlotte, following 
 him. 
 
 But not long had they of quiet. For there 
 came a great knocking at the door, and a con- 
 fused sound of clamorous voices without. 
 
146 UNDER WHiOH iiiXii? 
 
 It was opened, and two strangers entered. 
 
 " You have seen these minions of Tyrconnel, 
 sir ? " asked one of the strangers. 
 
 " This is Mr. Gordon, the minister," whis- 
 pered the little maid who had opened the 
 door. 
 
 11 Lord Antrim's men? yes, sir." 
 
 " And you have heard of this letter, announ- 
 cing the intended bloody massacre, on the 
 Sabbath?" 
 
 " It was the talk and terror of the whole 
 North, as I travelled along," Jasper replied. 
 
 "Do you believe it ? " 
 
 " I do." 
 
 " So do I ; what's to be done ? " chimed in 
 another. 
 
 " Shut the gates, alderman ; shut the gates," 
 Mr. Gordon said. 
 
 " Hear till him ! " cried the crowd, at the 
 door. 
 
 " We must be prudent, though," said Alder- 
 man Tomkins. 
 
 " Maybe they're no comin'," suggested a 
 Scotch citizen, not long a resident in Derry. 
 
 " There's not the least doubt of that," said 
 Harrington ; " I saw them on their way." 
 
THE SHUTTING OF THE GATES. 147 
 
 " Maybe they'll be for stappin' ootside tbe 
 toun, then." 
 
 " I'm tbinkin' ye're right there, Sandie," 
 exclaimed a young man, with a laugh. 
 
 And the laugh was re-echoed by the crowd. 
 
 " Here they are ! They're over the ferry ! " 
 shouted a young fellow, rushing breathless to 
 the spot. 
 
 " To the guard, boys ! To the guard ! " cried 
 Henry Campsie, hurrying off, followed by an 
 excited throng. 
 
 To secure the keys, and rush to the Ferry- 
 gate, was the work of a brief space. 
 
 Lord Antrim's soldiers were close at hand ; 
 they were not more than sixty yards from the 
 gate ; they were advancing rapidly. 
 
 The apprentice boys were equal to the work 
 before them. 
 
 Up went the bridge, and bang went the 
 Ferry-gate, and that work was done ! 
 
 But there were three other gates. To close 
 these was the next thinor And soon these 
 swung to ; Harrington lending a hand to shut 
 Bishop's-gate. 
 
 So the Derry gates were closed in the face of 
 King James's soldiers. 
 
 L 2 
 
148 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Very treasonable, this, and scandalous, many 
 thought ; and so told the youths now gathered in 
 the market-place. 
 
 " The Bishop ! " cried one, as the discussion 
 waxed warm. 
 
 " Let us hear what he says," an alderman 
 observed, having a pretty good idea what he 
 would say, and therefore being the more 
 anxious to hear it. 
 
 " My good friends, what's all this ? what's 
 all this V 
 
 " We have closed the gates, my lord ! " said 
 one, firmly but respectfully. 
 
 " Open them ; open them, at once !" 
 
 " Hear, hear ! " cried the alderman. 
 
 There was an angry murmur from the crowd. 
 
 '•'Never, my lord!" exclaimed Campsie, 
 never ! 
 
 " It's treason ; it's treason, this, I tell you!" 
 
 " Long live the Prince of Orange ! " shouted 
 another. 
 
 And the people gave a hearty and applauding 
 " huzza." 
 
 " You sin against the Lord ; you resist the 
 Lord's Anointed — the Lord's Anointed, T tell 
 you ! '*' Bishop Hopkins emphatically urged. 
 
THE SHUTTING OF THE GATES. 149 
 
 " Never mind him, boys ! " said Mr. Gordon. 
 
 " Sirrah," exclaimed the Bishop, in a rage, 
 " yon will yet repent this ! " 
 
 " Go home, my lord ; go home ! " called out 
 a voice, from the crowd. 
 
 " Listen *to me. To resist the Lord's 
 Anointed " 
 
 " A very good sermon, my lord ; a very good 
 sermon," said Alexander Irwin ; "but we have 
 not time to listen to it, just now ! " 
 
 And the Bishop, utterly disgusted that the 
 Lord's Anointed was so irreverently set at 
 nought in Deny, betook himself to his palace, 
 and soon left the city where he could do so 
 little for King James. 
 
 " Here's Mr. David Cairns," cried one, as a 
 gentleman came to the assembled crowd. 
 
 " They have closed the gates, sir, and the 
 Bishop is very augry," said Mr. Gordon, ad- 
 dressing him. 
 
 " Hah ! Well ? " 
 
 " And most of our leading men would counsel 
 the youths to recall the Redshanks." 
 
 " No, no ; the deed is done, and bravely 
 done," said Mr. Cairns, " and we must now seek 
 to hold our own." 
 
150 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 And then lie turned to the people assembled : 
 
 " Brother Protestants," he said, " a deed has 
 been done this day that may be of great 
 moment. Ye have given resistance to the 
 Papist soldiers ; illegally armed, it may be for 
 the slaughter of yourselves, your' wives, and 
 children. Ye know of the letter writ to Lord 
 Mount Alexander, and now of fame throughout 
 all the North. And ye cannot but remember 
 the sermon of the friar, here, in this city of 
 Derry ; wherein ye were set down as Amalek- 
 ites, to be slaughtered by the servants of Saul. 
 Further, ye have heard, without doubt, of 
 masses celebrated everywhere for " Intene- 
 ragli," or the secret intention that the Eomish 
 priests have in mind ; not having forgotten all 
 that was done, in that miserable year of '41, 
 when our Maiden City was so well and ably 
 defended." 
 
 A long and loud " hurrah " greeted this 
 speech ; and then Mr. Cairns continued : — 
 
 " Ye will have need of much courage and much 
 carefulness, to hold that which ye have gained, 
 and guard and keep that which, this day, ye 
 have secured. And, although men of the law, 
 as I am, are not used to fighting, to my services 
 
THE SHUTTING OF THE GATES. 151 
 
 you are heartily welcome ; for I would hold it 
 to be a lasting shame and foul disgrace, if any 
 one whatever, being a Protestant, should refuse 
 to stand by ye in this time of peril and 
 danger ! " 
 
 Here Mr. Gordon waved his hand, and, one 
 of the crowd pointing to a friar that was look- 
 ing on from a window, there was great cheer- 
 ing of Mr. Cairns accordingly. 
 
 " And, now, set a watch and ward at each 
 gate, and I will be with you and bear ye com- 
 pany. For it will be a day much to be thought 
 of hereafter ; and we must not lose our good 
 town, and Protestant citadel, for lack of need- 
 ful and due caution. It will be a day much 
 to be remembered by the Protestants of Ireland 
 throughout their generations ; and ye need not 
 heed the timid counsels of the wavering and the 
 cowardly, for ye have been brave youths, and 
 done bravely. Be to the end as ye have been 
 this day, and the children to be born will 
 bless God for the Apprentice Boys of Derry ! " 
 
 Jasper Harrington was listening to Mr. 
 Cairns, and loudly applauded the ending of his 
 speech. The greatest enthusiasm prevailed in 
 the city ; all the youths were endeavouring to 
 
L52 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 procure arms, and were now more than ever 
 determined to make Deny a city of refuge for 
 the Protestants of the North. 
 
 '• I think I ought to remember you/' said Mr. 
 ( aims to Harrington, as he concluded ; " did I 
 not see you once at the ' English Oak,' in 
 Dublin?" 
 
 "Were you there, sir, that day?" asked 
 Jasper with a smile. 
 
 " I was ; and was glad you came off so well. 
 But have you been long in Deny ? " 
 
 " I only came this morning." 
 
 -Shall you stay?" 
 
 " Certainly, if my sword can aid these brave 
 fellows in defending the lives and liberties of 
 the Protestants." 
 
 » Well said, Mr. ." 
 
 "Harrington; once a lieutenant in Kino- 
 James's army." 
 
 " But now for the Protestant religion and 
 
 o 
 
 our liberties, which neither King James nor his 
 army affect, at present." 
 
 And they parted, till the night. At which 
 time Harrington went the rounds with Cairns, 
 and aided him in inspiriting the guard. 
 
 On whom the stars were shining. 
 
THE SHUTTING OF THE GATES. 15o 
 
 And eyes looking up to-night at those stars, 
 would not look up at them on the next seventh 
 day of December. 
 
 For many a brave heart would be still and 
 silent by then. 
 
 And many a coward heart would be ashamed, 
 even of starlight, when thinking of base deser- 
 tion and miserable unmanliness, or, it ma}' be, 
 Judas-like traitorism. 
 
 No ! not many a heart ! 
 
 The Protestant people devoutly believed in 
 God, for the most part ; and feared not the 
 light of Heaven that shone down on them in 
 stars. 
 
CHAPTER XX. 
 
 EXITS. 
 
 The 8th of December dawned on the inhabi- 
 tants of Deny, full of anxious thoughts and 
 some wonderings as to what would be the end 
 of the whole matter. 
 
 There were many and divers rumours afloat, 
 and each was asking the other did he hear this 
 or that. 
 
 A stir among the crowd attracted Jasper's 
 attention. 
 
 " What is going on ? " he asked. 
 
 "Let us see," replied the person ad- 
 dressed. 
 
 Just then Mr. Gordon made his appearance, 
 and was greeted with a cheer, which was 
 renewed as Mr. Cairns came up. 
 
 " Well, boys," said Mr. Gordon, " the Bishop 
 has gone." 
 
exits. 155 
 
 u Let him go ; we don't want him/' was the 
 cry. 
 
 "Tyrconnel will not forgive yesterday's 
 work," said Harrington to Mr. Cairns. 
 
 "Nor will King James," added Mr. Gordon. 
 
 "And why not ? " asked an alderman, who 
 was standing by. 
 
 "The standard of revolt has been raised," 
 replied Jasper. 
 
 "No, no ; there has been no revolt; we are 
 true to the King ; the rabble have done it, I 
 tell you ! " said Alderman Bumble. 
 
 "We are loyal men, sir,— loyal men," added 
 another, who had attended the Bishop to the 
 gate. 
 
 Jasper saw Mr. Gordon shrug his shoulders 
 at this, and did not at all wonder why. 
 
 And yet it was quite true that many men in 
 Deny consoled themselves with the idea that 
 they had done nothing against Kiug James. 
 
 The "rabble" indeed had been turbulent 
 and troublesome ; but very respectable people, 
 like the loyal citizens, could not be held 
 responsible for the doings of the rabble. His 
 Majesty, of his great clemency, would doubt- 
 less take this into consideration, and deal after 
 
156 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 his accustomed kindness with those who would 
 never be untrue to his kingly person. 
 
 Others, indeed, saw that the thing done was 
 of such a nature, in the very doing of it, that 
 boldness and energy in ulterior action were 
 imperatively called for. 
 
 Even then, slow as tidings were in reaching 
 Ireland, and much as communication with 
 England was interrupted, there were some in 
 active correspondence with the Protestants of 
 Great Britain, and staunch supporters of the 
 cause ol the Prince of Orange. 
 
 " One Peter Wharton is not unknown to 
 you, Mr. Harrington % " said Mr. Gordon, in- 
 terrogatively. 
 
 " I know him." 
 
 " This letter is from him, by a trusty mes- 
 senger, and he mentions matter of interest 
 therein." 
 
 " Does he ? " said Jasper, in some wonder, 
 dwelling in thought upon a certain matter of 
 interest of his own in the Wharton direction. 
 
 " Yes, verily ; and, having heard of your 
 whereabouts, he commits it to you also." 
 
 Jasper waited eagerly to hear the tidings. 
 Slowly Mr. Gordon unfolded his letter, and 
 
EXITS. 157 
 
 announced that its enclosure was an address 
 from certain Presbyterian ministers of Ulster 
 to his Highness the Prince of Orange, in which 
 they congratulated him on his arrival in Eng- 
 land, and on his glorious success; imploring 
 him speedily to succour the oppressed Pro^ 
 testants of Ireland, many of whom would be 
 ready with life and limb to serve his interest 
 and support his cause. 
 
 " Do the gentry not move in this matter ? " 
 Harrington asked. 
 
 " Some of them do." 
 
 "Their names ? " 
 
 "Ah, their names are not yet of number 
 sufficient to be warrant for publicly announ- 
 cing them/' replied Mr. Gordon, shaking his 
 head. 
 
 "But they will doubtless come forward 
 
 soon. 
 
 "So let us hope, anyhow," replied the 
 minister, as they parted. 
 
 And Jasper, then visiting his sister, had to 
 recount the sayings and doings of the morning. 
 
 It may be supposed that Harrington did not 
 long remain indoors. 
 
 He found everyone who could bear arms 
 
158 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 providing himself with weapons, and receiving 
 his due share of ammunition. 
 
 There were about three hundred men capable 
 of bearing arms within the walls. They were 
 likened to Gideon's three hundred, by one well 
 versed in Scripture, and mindful of old strug- 
 gles under the banner of the Covenant. 
 
 For these three hundred there were not even 
 muskets enough. The men were few, appa- 
 rently, for the possible work, and the arms not 
 more than half as numerous as the men. 
 
 "And now, boys, what about the friars?" 
 asked John Cunningham, one of the thirteen 
 who had closed the gates. 
 
 "Ye all mind the sermon one of them 
 preached last October/' said Campsie. 
 
 " What was that % " Harrington whispered 
 to Mr. Gordon. 
 
 " A sermon preached to the Irish soldiers, in 
 the Market House, wherein this friar, fresh 
 from a conference with his set in Donegal, had 
 declared that as God had deserted Saul for 
 sparing the Amalekites when he should have 
 slain them, so He would surely punish all who 
 failed to obey every priestly Samuel who 
 should tell them whom to kill." 
 
EXITS. 159 
 
 "Plain, that," said Jasper. 
 
 "Very; especially when the priests had 
 been buying fire-arms and chain-bridles," re- 
 plied Mr. Gordon, drily. 
 
 " I say, let the Dominican friars leave the 
 town," Samuel Harvey exclaimed. 
 
 " Ay, bag and baggage," said another. 
 
 And, with a cheer, the defenders of Derry 
 proceeded to the Dominican convent, to clear 
 Derry of those who would have been, if left 
 within its walls, only spies and traitors. 
 
 So the Order of Saint Dominic was removed 
 from Derry, unharmed, not as too many poor 
 souls had been removed by the same Order, 
 which ever furnished the cruel torturers to 
 Kome's bloodiest infernality — "The Holy In- 
 quisition." 
 
 At nightfall there was a gathering of brave 
 fellows in the guard-house. The Diamond had 
 many a true heart in it that night. 
 
 " Well, men," said Mr. Cairns, " are ye still 
 of the same mind ? " 
 
 " Yes ! yes ! " cried many a voice, heartily. 
 " It is well," replied the speaker ; " and the 
 act done is, after all, only in the spirit of that 
 charter of King James I., which founded Derry 
 
160 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 us a refuge for Protestants, and a means of 
 maintaining the Protestant religion in Ulster." 
 "Good — very good!" Alderman Tomkins 
 ejaculated. 
 
 " Mr. Cairns," asked a young man, coming- 
 in, " have you heard of this declaration of 
 duty and loyalty to King James that they are 
 talking of?" 
 
 "I suppose it will end, as usual, with ' God 
 save the King!' " said Cunningham. 
 
 " I shall have nothing to do with it," said 
 one. 
 
 " Nor I," said another. 
 " Lono- live the Prince of Orange ! " cried a 
 third. 
 
 Whereat they all shouted " Hurrah ! " 
 And so the dark night passed on into the 
 Sabbath. It was very dark and very cold 
 that night, but not as cold and dark as would 
 have been the fate of Protestants but for the 
 men of Deny. 
 
 Of those gathered there, many would have 
 entered, ere another year had passed, on the 
 Sabbath eternal. But they would have entered 
 as labourers, and into rest. 
 
 The works that they had done would follow 
 
EXIT. 161 
 
 them. The thing they loved most was, not 
 life, but Christ's religion; and, loving that, 
 they could not make terms with that perdition 
 image yonder. 
 
 The fearful and the unbelieving would give 
 other counsel. This was ever done by those of 
 that class, and will be done to the end ; unless, 
 indeed, a little courage and a little faith come 
 into their coward, craven, Christless hearts, 
 and save them from the Second Death. 
 
CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 ULSTER DOINGS. 
 
 , Ulster was soon astir with the sayings and 
 doings in England. Slow as news was in 
 reaching Ireland, nevertheless tidings passed 
 along through the North that with the Prince 
 of Orange all was going well. 
 
 The seizing of the garrison of York by Lord 
 Danby, on the 22nd November, was full of en- 
 couragement to the men who loved the Protestant 
 religion. The exploit lost nothing in the transit. 
 It was, among the farmsteads of Ulster, a very 
 gallant deed. And could not the deeds of 
 York be emulated in Antrim and Down ? Had 
 not Deny already set the example of how the 
 thing might be done ? 
 
 Peers, and baronets, and knights, and men 
 of high degree had taken up arms in England. 
 The cry raised at York had been re-echoed 
 
ULSTER DOINGS. 163 
 
 everywhere — " No Popery ! A free Parliament ! 
 The Protestant religion ! " 
 
 Some people had been using hard names to 
 the Derry men. It had been more than hinted 
 that their conduct was flat rebellion. At any- 
 rate, it was the same as that of the lords and 
 gentlemen of England ! 
 
 Nor did the news-letters that reached Ireland 
 fail to mention how all England was singing, 
 " Lillibullero." And how, in Oxford, with its 
 glorious old colleges, the High Street had been 
 thronged by horse and foot, with drums beating 
 and colours flying ; how " Lillibullero " was the 
 tune that was played, and how High Street was 
 bright and gay with orange ribbons. For the 
 orange ribbon had already become, as a 
 Macaulay was afterwards to tell, " the emblem 
 to the Protestant Englishman of civil and 
 digious freedom." 
 
 So, seeing danger a-head in Ireland, and 
 much encouragement from English intelligence 
 to provide against it, the Protestants of the 
 North formed themselves into an Association, 
 with Councils or Committees for each county, 
 and a general Council of Union to meet and 
 deliberate at Hillsborough. 
 
164 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 The Protestants declared in the bond of 
 Association, that they associated "for self- 
 defence, and for securing the Protestant reli- 
 gion, their lives, liberties, and properties, and 
 the peace of the kingdom, disturbed by Popish 
 and illegal counsellors and their abettors ; re- 
 solving to adhere to the laws, and the Pro- 
 testant religion, to act in subordination to the 
 Government of England, and for promoting a 
 free Parliament ; declaring also, that, if they 
 were forced to take up arms, it would be con- 
 trary to their inclination, and should only be 
 defensive, not in the least to invade the lives, 
 liberties, or estates of any of their fellow-sub- 
 jects, no not of the Popish persuasion, whilst 
 they demeaned themselves peaceably. 
 
 " They took notice of the great levies daily 
 made of Popish soldiers, when the King was 
 retired, and their arming could be no way ser- 
 viceable to his interest, and gave it as an ob- 
 vious reason for putting themselves into a 
 posture of defence. That it was inconsistent 
 with common prudence not to suspect the de- 
 signs of their enemies to be such as tended, if 
 not to the destruction, yet to the great endan- 
 gering of the lives, liberties, and properties of 
 
ULSTER DOINGS. 105 
 
 the Protestant subjects of the kingdom, if not 
 prevented. 
 
 " That they would admit none but Protestants 
 into their Association ; yet they would protect 
 even Papists from violence, while they remained 
 peaceable and quiet ; and doubted not but all 
 good Protestants would, in their several sta- 
 tions, join with them in the same public de- 
 fence ; and that God would bless their just, 
 innocent, and necessary undertaking for their 
 lives, laws, and religion." 
 
 One day, early in January, the Council of 
 Union was summoned to meet at Hillsborough. 
 
 Eiders were coming into the town from 
 different directions. 
 
 One had dismounted at the gate of the Fort 
 where the Council was to meet, and was look- 
 ing back at a solitary horseman coming up the 
 hill. 
 
 The warders were standing by the gate, and 
 guarding the entrance with care ; and, utterly 
 unconscious of man's thoughts and doings, a 
 couple of jackdaws were hopping about the 
 bastions, and sometimes, with saucy look, 
 taking a glance at the people below. 
 
 Weary and worn seemed the horse that now 
 
166 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 approached the gate. Little care, apparently, 
 had been bestowed upon him on the way ; and 
 that he had fallen more than once, along the 
 hard and frosty roads, was plain enough to the 
 most casual onlooker. 
 
 But the dismounted rider was not scruti- 
 nizing carefully the condition of the animal 
 approaching the Fort. His eyes had been 
 earnestly fixed, first with curiosity, then with 
 interest, and in the end with pleasurable gaze, 
 on the face and figure of Jasper Harrington. 
 
 " Welcome, Harrington ! " he exclaimed, as 
 with out-stretched hand Leighton grasped that 
 of his friend. 
 
 " You here, Leighton ? " 
 
 "Verily, it would seem so," replied that 
 gentleman, with a laugh. 
 
 " Have our friends assembled in force, yet ? " 
 
 " Lord Mount Alexander is here, and Lord 
 Blaney, with a goodly sprinkling of the gentle- 
 men of the counties near." 
 
 " Is there any special business in hand to- 
 day 1 " asked Harrington. "And what have 
 you done hitherto % " 
 
 " There has been a good deal of waiting on 
 Providence," said Leighton, " and some indeci- 
 
ULSTER DOINGS. 167 
 
 sion ; to-day, there is talk chiefly of addressing 
 the Prince of Orange." 
 
 " That is well. How like you the work 
 done in Derry and Enniskillen ? " 
 
 "Good work, well done," replied Leighton. 
 
 " Cairns is still in London. I wonder will 
 the Enniskilleners have tidings for us to- 
 day?" 
 
 "It is doubtful. How get you on ? And 
 where have you been 1 " 
 
 " I have come, hot foot, from Londonderry, 
 where there is tolerable quietness just now ; 
 but some considerable expectation of future 
 events." 
 
 " Does the Mountjoy capitulation please the 
 citizens ? " 
 
 " It was the best thing they could do, at the 
 time ; and Lord Mountjoy is well enough liked 
 by them." 
 
 " I hope they are not neglecting their de- 
 fences, though," said Captain Leighton. 
 
 " That they are not ! All the old arms have 
 been brushed up, and put in order ; the guns 
 have been mounted ; and they have sent into 
 Scotland for a good supply of gunpowder." 
 
 " Capital ! " 
 
1GS UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 "And now tell me what they have done 
 here, Leighton ? " 
 
 " Why they have been raising forces in 
 Antrim and Down, and elsewhere. They have 
 got a regiment of horse, under Lord Mount 
 Alexander, and a regiment of dragoons, from 
 the County Down, under Sir Arthur Rawdon's 
 command. There is talk of another being- 
 raised in Antrim, to be commanded by Clot- 
 worthy Skemngton." 
 
 " And for foot 1 " 
 
 " Antrim has four regiments, under Sir 
 William Franklin, Upton, Leslie, and Adair ; 
 and Down has four, under Sir John Magill, Sir 
 Eobert Colvil, James Hamilton, of Tullamore, 
 and James Hamilton, of Bangor. Besides, 
 Francis Annesley has raised some horse and 
 foot, and there is a regiment raised near Lisburn 
 that they say is for me. Will you help me in 
 managing it, Harrington ? " 
 
 " With all my heart." 
 
 " And now let us go in ; our friends will 
 be anxious to hear the latest tidings from 
 Deny." 
 
 ,; We have been talking of you, Leighton," 
 said Lord Mount Alexander, as they entered ; 
 
ULSTER DOINGS. 169 
 
 " we have fixed upon you to take the Address 
 to London, to his Highness." 
 
 " I thank you and the Council for the honour 
 done me, my lord ; at anyrate you have chosen 
 one heart and soul in the cause." 
 
 " I have also wrote a letter to His Highness, 
 telling him that you are empowered to deliver 
 to him certain weighty and important tidings 
 which it has not been thought advisable to put 
 
 in writing.' 
 
 "Very good, my lord ; and these tidings 1 ,: 
 
 "These you are now to hear." 
 
 Whereupon Captain Leighton received in- 
 structions from the Council of Union to lay 
 before the Prince of Orange, by word of 
 mouth, all the dangers and difficulties of the 
 enterprise in which the Protestants of Ulster 
 were engaged; and .to press urgently for 
 speedy succours of men and muniments of 
 war. 
 
 After this the Council of Union broke up. 
 
 Leighton was to sail from Belfast, and Har- 
 rington promised to see him off. 
 
 But first of all it was needful that Lisbum 
 should be visited. 
 
 Some there were not forgotten. 
 
]70 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 While Harrington was musing on this sub- 
 ject, Leighton said, — 
 
 " Here is Lisburn ; I must take it on my 
 way, and see what the men are doing." 
 
 " I wish," said Harrington, with a sigh, " I 
 could have bidden you welcome to William- 
 field." 
 
 "And so you will yet/' replied Leighton, 
 cheerfully, as they rode into the town, and 
 Jasper gave, to his old friend, Elijah, the watch- 
 word, — 
 
 "No Popery!" 
 
CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 CONCERNING THE PROGRESS OF THINGS. 
 
 "Did I not tell thee, Jasper Harrington/' 
 exclaimed Elijah Brown, triumphantly, " did I 
 not tell thee that the Lord would give deliver- 
 ance to his Israel, and avenge their wrongs 
 speedily 1 " 
 
 " Truly it is the case," replied Harrington, 
 shaking his old friend heartily by the hand. 
 
 "It will be done, Jasper; it will be done. 
 But much I fear me that some men hardly see 
 the way." 
 
 "How so?" 
 
 "Verily, this lip-service rendered by many to 
 the Stuart, and this over-much talk of loyalty, 
 and doing nothing against the King, is not the 
 way to put heart in those who must yet, 
 methinks, be fighting, as was my wont in by- 
 gone days, against the bloody Stuart line." 
 
172 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " It is deemed wisest not too much to 
 provoke the Lord Deputy." 
 
 " And think they that James Stuart will 
 spare them, if they fall into his power 1 And 
 think they that aught hut force of arms will 
 secure them from such like bloody massacre as 
 I he great Lord Protector, in other years ; 
 avenged ? " 
 
 " If the Prince of Orange got the throne, it 
 would be well," Harrington said. 
 
 "'The Lord grant it!" ejaculated Elijah;' 
 " but there is division among the Protestants 
 on this head ; and some are very scrupulously 
 loyal to the man over the water." 
 
 " You mean King James ? " 
 
 " I mean James Stuart, called King by 
 some," replied Brown, energetically ; " though, 
 if it please the Lord of hosts and God of 
 battles, Elijah Brown will never accord that 
 title to the runagate." 
 
 "How o-ets on the arminsr and trainine; of 
 the regiment that our Captain Leighton is to 
 have ? " asked Jasper. 
 
 " Not over well/' replied Brown, shaking his 
 head ; " if Captain Leighton could stay " 
 
 '•'And so I intend, my good friend," said 
 
CONCERNING THE PROGRESS OF THINGS. 173 
 
 Leighton, "when I get back from Eng- 
 land." 
 
 Brown was silent. He kept his eyes on the 
 ground ; in fact, did not seem by any means 
 pleased at the look of things. 
 
 For here was another of those who ought to 
 be the leaders of the people going away, as he- 
 thought, to England for safety ; and remember- 
 ing more dangers and difficulties, than the duty 
 of standing by the poor people who would sorely 
 need wise and brave men to lead them through 
 all the straits of an evil time. 
 
 " Well, sir," said Leighton, somewhat hotly, 
 " are you not satisfied ? " 
 
 Elijah Brown looked up at this. With all 
 the proud independence of one of Cromwell's 
 veterans, he slowly replied, « Captain Leighton 
 is to command, and Elijah Brown to obey. 
 There is no need for speech concerning this 
 matter." 
 
 " And, in the meantime," said Jasper, " Cap- 
 tain Leighton has asked me to fill his place ; 
 and we must do our best to put things right, 
 serjeant." 
 
 "Serjeant, did ye say?" asked Elijah, 
 brightening up. 
 
]74 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " Yes, Serjeant Brown, my friend is quite 
 correct. Your services were not forgotten by 
 the Council of the Association ; and they hope 
 to have your help in getting the men to go 
 through their motions," said Leighton. 
 
 "Elijah Brown will do much for the good 
 cause ; as much as the Lord will allow to a man 
 well stricken in years, who has been long un- 
 used to war and battle, and to the habits of 
 fields of fight/' 
 
 " But there will be no fighting, I hope," said 
 Leighton. 
 
 " Captain, there will," was the reply. " The 
 Papists think they have good chance, now, of 
 undoing all that the Lord Protector once did. 
 But the Lord helpeth those who heed his com- 
 mandments. As, verily, anyone, remembering 
 all that I do, may truly say." 
 
 " Any of Cromwell's red-coats may well think 
 so," said Leighton, smiling. 
 
 " And, as Elijah Brown was one of the first 
 to put on the red coat, by the order of the same, 
 to mark the Parliament men from the men of 
 the other side, he may well call to mind the 
 dealings of the Lord with those who put their 
 trust in His name." 
 
CONCERNING THE PROGRESS OP THINGS. 175 
 
 " But they must not neglect the training as 
 well," said Leighton. 
 
 " Truly that is spoken wisely," said Brown ; 
 " I bethink me oftentimes that our army would 
 have come ill off, godly men as they were, but 
 for the zealous heeding of these thino-s on the 
 part of the commander." 
 
 " Ay," observed Leighton, laughing, " Crom- 
 well put his trust in God, but didn't forget to 
 take care that the powder was dry." 
 
 " And would it have been trust in God to 
 overlook this matter, captain ? To souse a 
 barrel of powder with a bucket of water, and 
 then go into battle, talking of the Lord's help, 
 would savour more of the builders of Babel, 
 and their presumption, than of those who looked 
 for the salvation of God." 
 
 " My old friend, Elijah Brown, is right," 
 said Jasper ; " much I fear there is great care- 
 lessness in preparation for fighting." 
 
 Elijah Brown shook his head. Evidently 
 the progress of things did not satisfy him. 
 Accustomed as he had been to the rigid disci- 
 pline of Cromwell, he was disheartened by the 
 rawness of the levies, and by the too evident 
 want of knowledge on the part of the officers. 
 
176 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Such arms as were to be had, too, were most 
 of them unfit for service : and by far the greater 
 part of the people had not got arms of any 
 sort. 
 
 Nor were those who had arms much better 
 off than those without them. For ammunition 
 was of the scarcest. What powder there was 
 would not go very far, in field of fight ; and 
 there were not always churches near to take 
 the lead off for those who had powder, nor 
 powder at hand for those who had got balls. 
 
 Altogether, things did not look very hope- 
 ful ; and the greatest part of the gentry, and 
 sensibler sort of people, as they were con- 
 sidered, expected more from England and the 
 Prince of Orange than from anything in the 
 power of Irish Protestants to do, whether in 
 righting, or fighting. 
 
 Work is a great assistant to faith, — or comes 
 of it, if you like that better. For the true 
 believer, while most relying upon God, will 
 know that he can only do so if he work as the 
 All-doer. In fact, actual putting in practice of 
 the writing found in a certain place, that, if 
 you have faith without works, you have only 
 got the corpse of the thing. 
 
CONCERNING THE PROGRESS OF THINGS. 177 
 
 Thoughts of this sort were in Jasper Har- 
 rington's head, as he and his friend rode away 
 from Lisburn, after parting, in very friendly 
 manner, from Elijah Brown. 
 
 It is not meant that his thoughts took, in 
 any shape, a theological turn; but only that 
 they were common-sense thoughts. Theology 
 and common-sense do not always agree ; though 
 religion and common-sense are never antag- 
 onistic. 
 
 Truly, in fact, religion is but a sublimation 
 of common-sense ; being a carrying of the same 
 from the foundation to the coping of things. 
 And possession of this common-sense can in no 
 way be admitted to belong to those who would 
 have it reach only some forty miles of atmos- 
 pheric terrestrial girding ; and never let it go 
 on to things celestial. 
 
 Whatever Jasper's thoughts were, they were 
 interrupted at last by Captain Leighton. 
 
 " Isn't your old place somewhere near this, 
 Harrington ? " 
 
 "Yes; quite close. You could see it, but 
 for the darkness." 
 
 "Confound that O'Neill But our Orange 
 Prince will right things yet, Jasper ? " 
 
178 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Jasper did not succeed in repressing a sigh. 
 He thought of certain possible things which the 
 wisest, and best, and bravest of men could 
 never right. 
 
 And great Ion gins: was over hirn to see how 
 a certain person, close by, was getting on ; and 
 whether a lonely occupant of a cottage he knew 
 of was in happy or unhappy state of circum- 
 stances. 
 
 So Captain Leighton, wondering that he got 
 no answer to his remark, wondered more, at 
 last, when Harrington asked him to ride on in 
 the Belfast direction, as he wished to delay a 
 little, hard by. 
 
 Whereupon he turned his horse's head to- 
 wards the cottage of Elijah Brown ; and, indis- 
 posed to disturb or frighten Annie "Wharton, 
 tied the reins to a tree, some short distance 
 from the door. 
 
 Then he walked quietly towards a faint 
 "limmering light which wavered in a window 
 that he knew. At the side of the window, he 
 paused for a moment, and did what many a 
 one has done before and since ; he looked in, 
 to see how things were going on, and what 
 was the position of affairs, before he would give 
 
CONCERNING THE PROGRESS OF THINGS. 179 
 
 any indication of his, or anyone's, presence 
 outside. 
 
 Shall we look in with him ? 
 
 There is where the light was coming from to 
 the window. The fire is not very large, nor 
 bright ; and straggling ends of burnt sticks are 
 coming out through the turf, as if it had been 
 brighter, when these were burning. 
 
 And there is a small figure, with elbows 
 resting on her knees, sitting on a low wooden 
 .stool, apparently, before the fire. It is not easy 
 to see whether any attention is bestowed upon 
 this, for nothing of the face is at all visible to 
 anyone outside. 
 
 All that can be seen is an arm and part of a 
 hand, as a nicker of light comes upon them 
 occasionally ; and shows, too, that there is no 
 other visible appearance of living creature in 
 the neat room with the fire. 
 
 Is she thinking about persons, or things, or 
 what ? Is she wandering back to the past, or 
 dreaming of the days to come ? Who knows ? 
 And yet who, looking on the little figure sitting 
 in solitude and silence, would not like to have 
 some tidings of her musings, and learn whether 
 she is busiest now with memory or hope ? 
 
 N 2 
 
ISO UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 At any rate, Jasper Harrington would like to 
 know. 
 
 So lie gently taps at the window, and still 
 looks in. 
 
 Down goes the left hand, and the head is 
 turned slightly, in listening attitude. 
 
 The tap at the window is repeated. Annie 
 Wharton starts up ; her hands drop down to 
 her side ; a crimson blush flits over her face, 
 and away again ; she is alone in the cottage, 
 and frightened naturally at the thought of 
 ur-Known people seeking admittance at that 
 iour. 
 
 But not long frightened. For a voice she 
 knows — there is light enough to show the 
 .--mile on her face — says, " It is I, Annie." 
 
 And there is not any need for further parley, 
 or knocking at door or window. 
 
 A very hasty unbarring of the door there is ; 
 and a couple of outstretched hands, and a 
 hurried and excited, — 
 
 •'Oh! Jasper!" 
 
 And 
 
CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 THE PRINCE OF ORANGE. 
 
 The house of Henry, Earl of Clarendon, 
 was the great rallying point for the Irish Pro- 
 testant noblemen and gentlemen who, in wher- 
 ries and fishing-smacks, escaped to England, 
 as best they might; and sought to promote 
 the welfare of the Protestants in Ireland, by 
 endeavouring to engage in their behalf the in- 
 terest of the Prince of Orange. 
 
 o 
 
 Very much cannot be said in favour of 
 Lord Clarendon. Of a vacillating and un- 
 certain temperament, his actions were not to 
 be depended upon. "When Lord-Lieutenant 
 of Ireland, however, he was superseded in 
 favour of Lord Tyrconnel ; and that gave 
 him merit in the eyes of those Protestants 
 who were now galled by the evil rule of a 
 bad man. 
 
182 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 To him, therefore, they carried all their 
 despatches ; and through him, for the most 
 part, they sought introduction to the illustrious 
 Prince, who had already bloodlessly triumphed 
 in England, and was looked to by the Pro- 
 testants of Ireland with earnest and longing 
 expectation. 
 
 Men and arms were much wanted for Ire- 
 land. The Prince of Orange early sought for 
 the names of those Protestant officers who 
 had been cashiered during Lord Clarendon's 
 vice-royalty ; and Lords Meath, Blessington, 
 and others, offered their services to go into 
 Ireland, and battle for the Protestant cause. 
 But it seems that, though news of Irish 
 affairs was conveyed to the Prince, the 
 o-reat interests at stake, in the Convention, 
 and the nature of foreign affairs, prevented 
 the requisite attention being bestowed upon 
 Ireland. 
 
 When Captain Leighton arrived in London, 
 he, as was the custom, went at once to Lord 
 Clarendon's. 
 
 Lord Clarendon was out at Westminster, it 
 was likely, the man said. Yes, certainly at 
 Westminster. For my Lords were very busy 
 
THE PRINCE OF ORANGE. 183 
 
 taking into consideration the state of the 
 nation ; of long time, until very recently, not 
 a very satisfactory subject. 
 
 But, was the gentleman from Ireland ? 
 Then would he be pleased to wait till my lord 
 came home; for my lord desired particular 
 attention to be paid to all gentlemen from Ire- 
 land. It was not added, that my lord did this 
 in special desire of being a very important 
 personage in the eyes of that man to whom 
 most people were looking then for such mea- 
 sure of earthly exaltation as was the object, 
 or possible attainment, of various people, in 
 Church and State. 
 
 Captain Leighton, therefore, waited the 
 coming of my Lord Clarendon back from 
 Westminster; revolving the various possibili- 
 ties of things concerning that part of the 
 world which he had lately left. 
 
 He had not noticed, when he first came in, 
 a quiet sort of gentleman in the room, who 
 was busy apparently deciphering some episto- 
 lary communication. 
 
 However, he had time enough to see, before 
 he had done, that the gentleman belonged to 
 the Church, and was a dignitary of some sort. 
 
184. UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 And the gentleman, after finishing his letter, 
 addressed Leighton, and inquired if he were 
 from Ireland of late. 
 
 '•'Yes, sir; I have just come over from the 
 North." 
 
 "Ah! from Belfast ? " 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " And what are they doing in those parts \ " 
 
 " Standing on self-defence, at present ; and 
 looking with eager eyes to his Highness, for 
 aid and support." 
 
 "Do you know much of the affairs of 
 Down ? You will excuse me, as I have an 
 interest in asking." 
 
 " Well, sir, the Protestants of Down are 
 flocking to the Association, as they are doing 
 in Antrim, Armagh, Monaghan, and other 
 parts ; but there is great alarm felt among 
 many of them at rumours of the prepara- 
 tions making in Dublin by Lord Tyrconnel." 
 
 " A bad man, a very bad man ! " said the 
 reverend personage, emphatically. 
 
 " Who is a very bad man, dean ? " asked 
 Lord Clarendon, as the door opened, and he 
 made his appearance. 
 
 "We were talking of Lord Tyrconnel, my 
 
THE PRINCE OF ORANGE. 185 
 
 lord," replied the gentleman, with a smile, 
 rising to leave the room. 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! We are agreed there, at any 
 rate, dean, decidedly." 
 
 "Captain Leighton, I believe?" observed 
 Lord Clarendon, as they were alone. 
 " Yes, my lord." 
 
 'You have brought an address to the 
 Prince of Orange, I see, by my letters." 
 Captain Leighton bowed. 
 " You were talking to the Dean of Down. 
 Did you know him before ?" 
 
 "No, my lord; I never met him before; 
 though I have heard of him as an excellent 
 and worthy clergyman/' 
 
 "And so he is. There is not a better man 
 than Dean M'NeaL If people had their de- 
 serts he would be made a bishop. His wife is 
 a cousin, too, to my niece, the Princess of 
 Orange/' 
 
 Captain Leighton again bowed. 
 
 " But you desire to see the Prince without 
 delay, I suppose ? Come with me to St. 
 James's." 
 
 And so they went. But his Highness was 
 very busy. It was his post day. Doubtless 
 
186 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 lie was writing, among other letters, one to bis 
 faithful and loving wife, who so truly and 
 trustingly had, in everything, been loyal to 
 her husband, and suffered not the evil and the 
 ambitious to come between her and the Prince; 
 pretendedly seeking her interests, but really 
 striving to promote their own. 
 
 Mary, Princess of Orange, at this time 
 twenty-six years old, was passionately fond of 
 him who was very much to all Europe, but 
 far more to her. 
 
 People said "William was cold and distant. 
 She did not think him so. She, at anyrate, 
 had 2fot at the heart of the man : and knew 
 
 CD ' 
 
 what a deep and lasting fountain of love there 
 was, under all the outward seeming of reti- 
 cence and calm. 
 
 Not everyone, in those days, preferred the 
 laws of God before all else. And so, when 
 his wife, in love of William, made these laws 
 her rule, even before English laws, it was the 
 naturalest thing in the world that the great 
 heart of William should be hers for ever. 
 
 So, at a later day, this wife of William's, 
 when her uncle Clarendon, very much liking 
 to be the near relative of so great a lady, 
 
THE PRINCE OF ORANGE. 187 
 
 busied himself, ostensibly in her favour, but 
 really in his own, cared not to conceal the 
 anger she felt ; asked what he had to do with 
 the succession to the Crown ; and would have 
 no sort of private audience concerning the 
 matter with one who had meddled to mar the 
 interests of William. 
 
 Some feeling that Lord Clarendon was not 
 just as great a man, and as worthy a man, as 
 his Irish Protestant admirers were disposed to 
 imagine ; and that he, under cover of zeal for 
 them, did not forget himself, may have made 
 the Prince of Orange more tardy in receiving 
 his recommendations than otherwise he would 
 have been. 
 
 A good cause suffers too many times from 
 the imperfections of its advocates. This is a 
 pity ; but is it not true % 
 
 Perhaps, therefore, this delayed, for a 
 couple of days, Leighton's interview with the 
 Prince. 
 
 For, after the letter-writing, the Prince took 
 a day's hunting. Very fond was he of this. 
 But, more than that, being of extreme deli- 
 cacy of constitution, hero as he was, he needed 
 some amount of exercise and fresh air to keep 
 
188 UNDER WHICH' KING? 
 
 him up, after all those anxious hours of 
 council work, and letter-writing, and deep 
 concernment about debates in the Con- 
 vention. 
 
 And how many has the hunting-field pre- 
 pared for the battle-field ? 
 
 It was not without feeling of profound 
 respect for so great a commander, and so op- 
 portune a deliverer, that, on the evening of the 
 second day of his arrival, Leighton entered the 
 presence of the Prince of Orange. 
 
 William's head rested on his hand. An ex- 
 pression of much pain was on his face, for one 
 of his severe headaches disturbed him, as often 
 was the case ; and rendered any great cour- 
 teousness to twaddlers, and people who had 
 only to open their mouths to prove themselves 
 fools, quite a matter of impossibility. 
 
 His mouth was tightly compressed ; and 
 care had carved its outlines on his cheek. 
 
 Before he removed his hand, he had a fit of 
 coughing, and this for a time greatly in- 
 creased the pained expression in his face. 
 
 Long accustomed, however, to suppress, as far 
 as possible, all outward manifestation of annoy- 
 ance, whether physical or mental, he removed 
 
THE PRINCE OF ORANGE. 189 
 
 his hand, and bent on Leighton his keen eao-le 
 .ye, taking in, at a glance, the kind of man 
 he had to deal with, and reading him with 
 that wonderful accuracy for which he was 
 famed ; and which did not stand in very o-ood 
 stead the false and fickle courtiers, who were 
 accustomed to bask in the smiles of a kino- • 
 and were then asking themselves, "Under 
 which king \ " 
 
 t After Leighton's introduction to his Hio-h- 
 ness by Lord Clarendon, he presented the 
 address. 
 
 This William carefully read, and then asked 
 sundry questions concerning the state of the 
 Protestants of the North of Ireland, and what 
 they were doing. 
 
 " They are but poorly armed, you say ? " 
 , "Their arms are of the worst description, 
 your Highness." 
 
 '' Will your Associations continue to pre- 
 pare for self-defence ? " 
 
 "Their preparations are somewhat slack- 
 ened, owing to want of the necessary means, 
 Sir." 
 
 ' Tell them we will take care of them, Cap- 
 tain Leighton." 
 
190 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " The Protestants of Ulster have no other 
 reliance, under God, than your Highness." 
 
 " Let them know that we approve of their 
 endeavours to put themselves in a posture of 
 defence ; and that we are resolved to employ 
 the most speedy means in our power for res- 
 cuing them from the oppressions and terrors 
 they lie under." 
 
 " Such tidings will fill with joy and glad- 
 ness many a heart and home in Ulster, 
 Sir." 
 
 " And, while we shall not visit punishment 
 of pain or forfeiture upon any of the Eomish 
 Communion who shall live peaceably, we shall 
 not fail to chastise those who, in obedience to 
 illegal authority now exercised in that country, 
 do anything to the disturbance of the public 
 peace or the prejudice of the Protestant in- 
 terest in that kino-dom." 
 
 O 
 
 Leighton bowed low, and prepared to 
 retire. 
 
 As he did so, the Prince of Orange added, — 
 " Mr. Harboard will give you the despatch ; 
 and we commend the good Protestants of Ire- 
 land to the care of Almighty God." 
 
CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 BEFORE THE STORM. 
 
 Belfast, Lisburn, and Hillsborough were in 
 very joyous mood, when Captain Leighton 
 returned from England with tidings that he 
 had seen the Protestant Prince, and that help 
 was nigh at hand. 
 
 And not long after him came golden news, 
 that the Prince of Orange was now lawful King 
 of England, and had been everywhere pro- 
 claimed, with shouts of rejoicing crowds, and 
 such demonstrations of exultant Protestants as 
 England before had never seen. 
 
 There were lights blazing in all the win- 
 
 O CD 
 
 dows, and bonfires spreading wider light in 
 the streets. And there were gorgeous proces- 
 sions of delighted Protestants, the magistrates 
 in their scarlet robes, and everybody with an 
 orange flag, or, at any rate, an orange ribbon. 
 
192 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 In England, William and Mary were King 
 and Queen. Why should they not be, in the 
 Protestant North ? 
 
 So, on the 9 th of March, every town in the 
 north-east of Ulster proclaimed them King and 
 Queen. 
 
 Captain Jasper Harrington, proud of his 
 commission as a soldier of King William, stood 
 by his old friend, Brown, in Lisburn. And 
 there was one there, whose heightened colour 
 and beaming smiles told of entire satisfaction 
 in the doings of the day ; and who wore, not 
 the less proudly that the giver stood beside 
 her, the prettiest, neatest hat, all bright with 
 orange trimruino;. 
 
 As the people dispersed, old Elijah walked 
 towards his home. He was silenter, and more 
 moody than might have been expected, seeing 
 the deed that was accomplished that day. 
 
 Even the merry laugh of Annie Wharton, 
 walking along with Jasper, by his side, fell 
 somewhat discordantly upon his ear. 
 
 He could hardly tell why this was ; more 
 than that the doings of Tyrconnel in Dublin 
 had been whispered. 
 
 There were some people, and old Ehjah was 
 
BEFORE THE STORM. 193 
 
 one of them, who thought it a very foolish 
 transaction to let Friar O'Haggerty go up to 
 Dublin, after the Carrickfergus affair, to tell all 
 about the state of the Protestants, and to 
 hurry on the proceedings against them. 
 
 And, moreover, there had come a rumour 
 that James had landed in the South, and was 
 immediately to head his army, and make havoc 
 of the lives and properties of Protestants. 
 
 The rumour was not true, at that time, but 
 it was currently believed. And so, with all 
 the gladness of the day, Elijah had darkening 
 shadows coming over him. 
 
 There was not care enough bestowed in 
 being prepared for the worst — the surest way of 
 enjoying the best. 
 
 But, at any rate, there was joy in Antrim 
 and Down. 
 
 Little children were told of the grand doings, 
 and learned to lisp the name of the Protestant 
 King. On that night, many a one slept all the 
 sounder that William, and not James, was their 
 sovereign now. 
 
 And even Elijah Brown was less moody, 
 towards evening, as Jasper and A nnie sat with 
 him by the fire, and talked of the better days 
 
194 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 that were in store for the country, and of all 
 that would happen, now that the Prince of 
 Orange was king. 
 
 And outside, the thrushes were singing 
 merrily, as they do in spring-time. Singing 
 merrily, and sending up to heaven a chord of 
 song that may tell there, that even amidst the 
 jarring utterances of earth, and cries of pain, 
 and voices of woe, there is such music as was 
 heard in the Eden days, when, under the 
 bowers, in Paradise, was the sinless image of 
 God, and in the trees above the thrush singing 
 that very song that, through all changes of the 
 broken image, has come changelessly down, 
 cheering many a heart in spring-time with its 
 matchless melody. 
 
 Last thing of all, ere retiring to rest, there 
 was the evening prayer and praise ; and the 
 Word of God, opened and read reverently, in 
 an old and worn copy, that had come across 
 from England with the army of Cromwell. 
 
 And then they knelt down, those three, to- 
 gether ; that was the first time, not for the 
 kneeling, but for companionship in prayer. 
 
 Old Elijah prayed with fiery earnestness, the 
 like of which Jasper was not accustomed to. 
 
BEFORE THE STORM. 195 
 
 He prayed for the little wench, and for the 
 young man, and for the rulers of the people, 
 and for the Protestant army. And then he 
 prayed that the great power of Babylon might 
 be broken in the land, and that peace and 
 prosperity might be the lot of the saints of the 
 Lord. 
 
 And if it seemed good to the Lord that all 
 this should only come about through a baptism 
 of blood, and if the sheep and the lambs of the 
 flock were yet to be given over for a season to 
 the jaws of wolves, might the wasting and the 
 destruction not be for ever, and might it turn 
 the people, Lord, to seek more of the Mighty 
 One of Israel, who could grant them deliver- 
 ance, even in the darkest hour, and bring to 
 the dead life ! 
 
 So Elijah prayed. 
 
 Then Annie lighted a candle for Jasper. He 
 was to occupy her grandfather's room that 
 night ; reluctantly enough, too ; for he most 
 unwillingly disturbed the worthy old man 
 from his nightly resting-place. But Brown had 
 insisted on the thing, for just that one night : 
 there would be work enough for them all, else- 
 where, on the morrow. 
 
J 96 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 And then, through the door, Jasper heard 
 friendly altercation carried on, though it was 
 in low tones, concerning the night rest of the 
 other two. 
 
 " I tell thee no, child ! Eest in thine own 
 little room. Here, by the fire, an old man can 
 pass the night well/' 
 I An earnest whisper followed. 
 
 " Did'st thou ever know thy grandfather go 
 back on his word ? Seek thy chamber, Annie, 
 and sleep ; and the Lord have thee in His 
 gracious keeping." 
 
 A door, after this, was gently closed ; and 
 there was silence. 
 
 But Jasper did not sleep soundly ; and did 
 not at all sleep, at first. Surely it is not very 
 wonderful that he was awake ? Surely he 
 might, in this unusual circumstance of things, 
 be excused for looking out at the faint glim- 
 mering of light that came upon the little 
 window, and thinking 1 
 
 But, if nobody now would lie awake in 
 such a case, and if every one now is of too 
 calm and serene a temperament to be concerned 
 at all about unusual things, whether in the line 
 of love or the contrary, let at least some allow- 
 
BEFORE THE STORM. 197 
 
 ance be made for the doings of the people in 
 not so wise an age, and for the foolishness 
 of forefathers let there be kindly forgiveness. 
 
 You who sleep serenely, with steadfast 
 breathing, be the doings and sayings of the 
 day what they may; who never have been 
 troubled with littlest wave of passion, and who 
 can hardly tell what people mean by talking of 
 an " exciting thing ; " who do everything 
 sedately, and by measurement, whether what 
 you call loving or disliking ; congratulate 
 yourself, if you please, on your happier state 
 of existence. There is nothing better, in the 
 same way, except the repose of the dead shells, 
 in the beds of marl, lon^ ages lost to faintest 
 motion of life ! 
 
 With Annie, too, as well as Jasper, there was 
 wakefulness ; and rapid review of actions and 
 feelings of the past months. 
 
 There was not, indeed, much analysis of 
 feelings ; for the science of mental dissection 
 had not made much progress with such as 
 Annie Wharton in the days of William the 
 Third. 
 
 Less of torturing and twisting of thought 
 there was, than was to be at a later day ; and 
 
198 UNDER WHICH KING ? 
 
 more contentment with actualities of human 
 life-story. 
 
 And the reason of this may be found, if 
 cared to be sought for, in fuller employment of 
 feminine hands, at feminine work ; and this, 
 not in one class of life, but in all classes : even 
 in that class which now, most of all, abjures 
 work for dreamy indulgence in enervating 
 mental opiates of literature or fashion. 
 
 Still there were young men and maidens in 
 those days ; and sometimes, it is believed, they 
 looked on each other with favouring eyes. 
 
 Naturally, then, they thought of each other 
 sometimes. And why not when awake, as 
 Annie and Jasper were ? However, go you to 
 sleep, and never mind them. All is quite still; 
 and not even the moonlight falls upon your 
 window. Shut your eyes, and sleep soundly. 
 What have you to do with love ? 
 
CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 SIR ARTHUR RAWDON". 
 
 Dromore was in dreadful commotion on the 
 14th March, 1689. Nobody in it had time to 
 remember how it had been banishment place, 
 in the fourteenth century, for Sir John Holt 
 and Sir Eobert Belknap, who were then of 
 opinion that a Richard II. was above law, and 
 were dealt with by giving them, instead of 
 death, permanent residence " in the village of 
 Dromore, in Ireland." 
 
 But many people knew that it had been 
 desolated in 1641 by the Papists; and all 
 people knew that Rathfriland and Loughbrick- 
 land were now deserted, and that their Pro- 
 testant inhabitants had retreated before the 
 fast advancing army that was commanded by 
 Hamilton, and acknowledged James Stuart as 
 its lawful king. 
 
200 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 One brave and gallant heart, whose name 
 should be held in eternal memory by all Irish 
 Protestants, did all that man could do to stem 
 the advancing torrent of ill. 
 
 Foremost among those who saw the great 
 danger of Irish Protestants, and did all that he 
 could to meet it, was young Sir Arthur Eaw- 
 don, of Moira. Of most delicate and tender 
 health, weak in lungs, and no promise of long 
 tenure of life, he yet spared not any exertion 
 to serve that cause that continental travel had 
 but deepened his love of — the cause of the 
 Protestants of Ireland. 
 
 He had ceaselessly urged in the Council of 
 Union the necessity of being prepared for the 
 worst ; and had seen with regret the strange 
 want of energy that unfortunately prevailed 
 among them, and neglect of all proper training 
 of men, and providing of ammunition and 
 arms. 
 
 Some, instead of availing themselves of his 
 foresight, were found to talk disparagingly of 
 his fears ; and many, with that recklessness 
 which is far from courage, protested that he 
 overrated their danger. 
 
 And some, too, were jealous that a young 
 
\ 
 
 SIR ARTHUR RAWDON. 201 
 
 man, not yet twenty-seven, should seem to set 
 up his judgment against that of the rest of 
 them. Because he had been a captain of horse, 
 or even a member of Parliament for Down, 
 did that make him wiser or better than other 
 people ? 
 
 Therefore Sir Arthur Rawdon had to retreat 
 from Loughbrickland to Dromore, because the 
 Council had no forces to assist him. 
 
 And now the Popish army was in sight. 
 The shouts of the soldiers could be plainly 
 heard by the Protestant inhabitants. 
 
 What was to be done ? 
 
 The only thing possible was to secure the 
 retreat of the Protestants. So, with the women 
 and children in the van, the foot next, and the 
 horse bringing up the rear, the Protestants left 
 Dromore. 
 
 But not all in safety. 
 
 As soon as the Popish commander was aware 
 of their retreat, he ordered his men to follow. 
 Death came to some of the fugitives, and some 
 of the dragoons, defending the rest, were killed 
 by the foe. 
 
 Here, be it noticed, was the first shedding of 
 Protestant blood in battle-strife at this Revo- 
 
202 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 lution time. There was more of it afterwards ; 
 more, too, of the other sort. But it is not an 
 unnoticeable event that this Dromore, in the 
 county Down, was the red A of the Revolution 
 in Ireland. 
 
 Lord Mount Alexander and others, having 
 mustered what force they could in Hills- 
 borough, met the Dromore party, to assist 
 them. It was latish then, as they were re- 
 treating. 
 
 Unpreparedness — unpreparedness — unpre- 
 paredness. 
 
 Still, there was one more active than most 
 of them. One who would make the best of 
 things ; try, in fact, to put as much motion 
 into affairs as was possible, and do what 
 might be done to stop disaster. 
 
 " I shall ride to Lisburn, and try and hasten 
 the marching of the forces there/' said Sir 
 Arthur. 
 
 " Very good," was the reply. 
 
 And he did so. 
 
 But the people he left behind him, raw and 
 ill armed as they were, did not wait for his 
 return. 
 
 So Hillsborough, and all the council papers, 
 
SIR ARTHUR RAWDON. 203 
 
 such as they were, with any amount of infor- 
 mation they possessed, fell into hands that 
 would not do much good with them. 
 
 As did the provisions that the Council had 
 supplied for an army at Hillsborough, with 
 much ammunition also. 
 
 Whose fault was this ? Doubtless it is not 
 pleasant to find that some considerable retreat- 
 ing took place on the Protestant side. It was 
 not all victory, it is perceived, nor all glory. 
 
 Lessons very instructive, however, are taught 
 by history. And has not this veritable history 
 some instruction for people ? 
 
 In justice to the retreating parties, not thus 
 far appearing to much advantage, it may be 
 told, and ought to be told, that one had pro- 
 mised to be with them a fortnight ago ; 
 promised to bring an army with him of well- 
 appointed men; promised to bring a train of 
 artillery with him ; promised, in fine, to bring 
 his military skill to head their forces, and take 
 command in chief. 
 
 Neglect of this promising was the prime 
 cause of that previous unpleasant narrative, as 
 well as of much more unpleasantness of a like 
 nature. 
 
204. UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Who, then, was the man ? 
 
 Let his name have all the honour to which 
 it is entitled. Let it be remembered for this 
 business of retreating here, as well as any- 
 where else, that it deserves memory. 
 
 Who 1 
 
 Lundy — Lietenant-Colonel Robert Lundy— 
 was the man. 
 
 Near Lisburn, Sir Arthur saw bands hasten- 
 ing to the town. There was much uncertainty 
 and trepidation. Rumour was busy, with more 
 than her thousand tongues ; but this time the 
 tongues so far told the same story of the 
 approach of the Popish army, that there was 
 very small amount of coolness or confidence in 
 that part. 
 
 As Leighton and Harrington told Sir Arthur, 
 when he approached, to urge the onward march 
 of such forces as could be mustered in the 
 neighbourhood. 
 
 " I fear the men will not fight, Sir Arthur," 
 said Leighton. 
 
 Sir Arthur Rawdon bit his lip. Here w T as a 
 nice state of things, after all his care and 
 exertions, and the Irish army fast advancing 
 upon them. 
 
SIR ARTHUR RAWDON. 205 
 
 " It is all Lundy's fault," said Harrington ; 
 "I much mistrust that man." 
 
 "No, no; there is more fault with our- 
 selves," said Brown, coming up, and in the 
 emergency, hesitating not to speak his mind. 
 " How so % " asked Eawdon. 
 " There was waiting and waiting, expecting 
 and expecting, in place of getting all things in 
 order, Sir Arthur." 
 
 "True enough," said Sir Arthur, shaking 
 his head; "they would never listen to me 
 when I urged more energy and hurry in 
 arming." 
 
 " Some of the men here are well disposed to 
 stand for it," said Harrington," though there 
 are white-livered fellows that are talking of 
 taking protections from the Papists." 
 
 ; ' Well, let those who will, follow me, and 
 join Whitney, and Upton, and the rest. I, at 
 any rate, will stick to the country, and stand 
 by the Protestant cause to the last." 
 
 " Come, Brown," said Leighton, " let us see 
 what we can do with these men ; you know 
 them better than I do." 
 
 "Harrington, will you come with me?" 
 said Sir Arthur. 
 
206 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Harrington, of course, said "Yes," though 
 he was half disposed to neglect his military 
 duty for his duty in a certain other quarter. 
 
 More especially as fugitives, with wool- 
 coloured faces, were hurrying into the town, 
 and spreading dismay among the people. 
 
 For the cry of the fugitives, as they rushed 
 along, was, "The army! the army! " 
 
CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 COMING AND GOING. 
 
 Rough and rugged, prickly and not very in- 
 viting, stood a whin bush, with scented blos- 
 soms out, and golden tips of blossoms coming 
 out, and among them, here and there, a dry 
 and withered pod of the seed that had not yet 
 scattered about under the motive power of the 
 sun-rays. 
 
 Behind the bush there was a hedge of bud- 
 ding hawthorn. Soft emerald leaves were 
 coming out, leaves of that delightful soothing 
 greenness, that gets dusted over and brown 
 all too soon. 
 
 Between the whin bush, with the scented 
 blossoms and the young green buds of the 
 thorn, there was a shady and sheltered bit of 
 bank, with here and there a mossy stone, and 
 some long, withered remains of last year's 
 
208 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 grass, among which fresh and spiky shoots 
 were arising. 
 
 Among this grass the bright orange bill of 
 the blackbird often sought for some edible 
 thing in winter, for it was seldom frozen so 
 hard, this bank, as many a spot else around. 
 The whin, rough and rugged as it was, in its 
 speary covering, kept stout guard over all under 
 its protection, and let not the frost do deadly 
 things against the bank beneath it. 
 
 Perhaps it was pleasant memories that 
 brought the blackbird there with its mate, and 
 caused that snug nesting-place to be hid in 
 among the defending ramifications of the bush 
 with the green spearlets and golden bloom. 
 
 However this may have been, there is the nest, 
 and four bluish spotted eggs resting upon not 
 the softest sort of cushion, but one that has 
 just the same adaptability to the bird that was 
 found in the nest built long ago under the shade 
 of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. 
 
 There is the nest; and, see, she has found 
 it. Pushing back carefully, at some risk of 
 damage to her fingers, a part of the whin, and 
 showing a plump and rounded arm, Annie is 
 bending down over the warm nest and looking 
 
COMING AND GOING. 209 
 
 with pleased sparkle of eye and happy smile 
 at the delight of her childhood's years— the 
 earliest found nest of the spring-time. 
 
 Pale, beside the rich golden yellow of the 
 furze, is the flower that she holds in her hand, 
 with fingers carefully turned away from the 
 spiny branch, that the primrose blossom 
 gathered at the root of the big grey stone, on 
 the top of the bank, may not be damaged 
 in any way till Jasper has seen it. 
 
 But there is the blackbird looking wistfully 
 at the tree its nest is in. 
 
 Annie sees it, and smilingly prepares to let 
 it back to keep the eggs snug and warm. 
 
 First she bends down to a furze blossom, 
 whose perfume she seems not to like so well as 
 that of the primrose ; for, with slightest shake 
 of the head, she leaves the former, and does not 
 leave so soon the tender and delicate perfume 
 of the dear little favourite flower, that ever and 
 ever is gathered with pleasure as fresh as the 
 spring, of which it is the modest messenger. ' 
 
 Then she gathers up her dress and is about 
 to jump down off the bank, when rude and 
 boisterous laughter, in front of the cottage, 
 sends the blood into her face, and causes her 
 
210 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 to stand in anxious uncertainty as to what 
 she should do, and how she should get away 
 unseen. 
 
 For, loud above others, was one voice that 
 she could not mistake, coming with horrid 
 distinctness after the rude laugh. 
 
 Well she knew it, and shuddered as there 
 flashed on her brain the picture of yon past 
 day of evil, under the hawthorn tree. 
 
 Oh ! where was grandfather \ And where 
 was Jasper % Could she get to them 1 Could 
 she hide % What — oh ! what — what shall she 
 do? 
 
 Stammering, drunken gibberish one half of 
 the talk yonder, and the other half the uncouth 
 lingo of the Irishry. 
 
 If there would be nothing worse than the 
 
 talk 
 
 But see ! A shaggy, unkempt head peers 
 round the corner, and sends out a yell that a 
 savage would be half ashamed of. 
 
 And then there follows — yes, there is no 
 mistake about it — the red face and evil eye of 
 the lord of Williamfield, Shane O'Neil. 
 
 The maiden covers her face and runs — runs 
 like a frightened partridge, with heart beating 
 
COMING AND GOING. 211 
 
 fearfully — runs wildly, and with little wisdom 
 of direction ; only a great desire to get away — 
 anywhere. 
 
 And does not get away. 
 
 For this kind of running does not conduce 
 to escape. It is of too blind a nature to give 
 hope of successful termination. 
 
 So, before very many paces had been taken, 
 she was struggling once again in the arms of 
 Shane O'Neil. 
 
 And there was a loud burst of brutal 
 laughter from that party of soldiers of King" 
 James, who had accompanied their worthy 
 officer as a guard of honour on his passing 
 visit to Williamfield. 
 
 There were things said of brutal sort, too, 
 which, fortunate for the maiden, were said in 
 the native language of these savages. 
 
 So this mattered not so much to her. 
 
 But the language of acts is the same in all 
 lands. Everybody understands that, whether 
 written in white-light letters, or with a pencil 
 of the charcoal of hell-fire ! 
 
 As, verily, was Shane O'NeiTs. 
 
 Poor struggling, gasping, half-fainting Annie ! 
 
 There ! 
 
 P 2 
 
212 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Take that, Shane O'Neil — and that! As 
 much more as you like ! 
 
 There is the old Cromwellian, with sword as 
 old and trusty as himself, and with gun of 
 better sort than too many of his late comrades, 
 now scattered, could have procured. 
 
 But for dread of hurting Annie, the blow 
 would have told on you to some purpose. As 
 it is, you must let go. 
 
 Stare and scowl, and curse, and look around 
 for your men ! 
 
 They have gone ! No ; they return now, 
 seeing that there is but one man against so 
 many. 
 
 They return. And — have a care, Elijah ; 
 for the courage of your foe rises now, from the 
 freezing point, up, and up, and up again ! 
 
 Have a care ! And, Annie, cling not so 
 tightly, with released arms, round the old man. 
 He will need all his powers, for 
 
 "Oh!" 
 
 Yes ; that pistol shot has done it. He is 
 heavy in your arms now, Annie, and is falling. 
 
 Down — down — down he slides ; and — bend 
 over him, and speak to him. See ! he tries 
 to say something. His lips quiver. A faint 
 
COMING AND GOING. 213 
 
 sound comes. Listen. Bend low — lower. It 
 is — 
 
 " God — bless — thee — An — nie ! " 
 
 And after that there comes a hard con- 
 vulsive struggle and spasm of pain. 
 
 Then a laugh !— yes, there is no mistake 
 about it — and 
 
 Well, indeed, may you shudder and moan 
 piteously, for he at your side has no pity. His 
 grasp is again on your rounded arm ; his 
 breath is even now on your very cheek. 
 
 " Oh ! grandfather, speak ! " 
 
 No, Annie ; not for long years to come. 
 Bend over him ; kiss him, in an agony of woe. 
 Yes ; that is blood — his life-blood. It trickles 
 down on your hand, and comes up somehow 
 into your eyes and brain. 
 
 And — more you see not, nor hear, Annie ; 
 but fall beside the brave old man, who has 
 breathed his last prayer for you to that God 
 whom so long he loved and so zealously sought 
 to serve. 
 
CHAPTEK XXVII. 
 
 THE RECTOR OF DONAGHMORE. 
 
 Noble and manly in countenance and bear- 
 ing is he who reins his horse, one day in March, 
 at the door of a snug-looking and neatly 
 thatched cottage, with its small windows clean 
 and bright. 
 
 He has been travelling, you see, and has 
 arrived at home. The horse knows this, and 
 neighs loudly, having partaken of but little 
 food since his master's departure from Deny. 
 
 At the sound of the neighing the house door 
 is opened, and a pleasant looking lady hurries 
 out to welcome the rider. 
 
 She is followed by a young man, who hastens 
 to greet his father, and then to take his horse. 
 And after, but not very long after, comes out a 
 pretty maiden, for whom a kiss has been in 
 store, and who is soon taking and giving in 
 
THE RECTOR OF DONAGHMORE. 215 
 
 that line, with her arm round the neck of the 
 traveller. 
 
 " Well, Lucy," he says, " have you looked 
 after mother 1 ' ' 
 
 " She has, George, and been thinking much 
 of father, too." 
 
 " Colonel Lundy declares that Dungannon 
 cannot be defended," says the traveller, who is 
 a Eeverend George Walker, Rector of Donagh- 
 more, near Dungannon ; and who had done 
 much to raise a regiment of true and worthy 
 Protestants for the preservation of that town, 
 and the safety of its inhabitants, some of whom 
 were parishioners of his own, and the rest were 
 high in heart and hope since the Prince of 
 Orange had. crossed the sea. 
 
 " And so all your trouble goes for nothing, 
 George." 
 
 " I don't mind my trouble," said Mr. Walker, 
 entering the house, " but much I fear that it is 
 not well done to give up a place so well-pro- 
 visioned and garrisoned ; the more so, as Colonel 
 Lundy himself approved of the design for- 
 merly." 
 
 " What will the people say ? " 
 
 " I don't know, Isabella ; but this I do know, 
 
E1G UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 that, come what may, I shall not have act or 
 part in deserting the Protestant people in such 
 perilous case as they are, these days." 
 
 " Well done, father ! I am glad you say so, 
 because " 
 
 " Because what, Lucy ? " 
 
 " Because John Taylor was saying that it 
 was likely you would go to England, and I 
 said I knew you never would." 
 
 "Bight, lass," said her father; adding, as he 
 patted her head, " don't you think she is 
 getting the image of her grandfather Maxwell, 
 Isabella ? " 
 
 " I can't say that I sec the likeness," Mrs. 
 Walker replied. 
 
 " That is strange, Isabella ; to me, Lucy is 
 just a girlish counterpart of your father, as I 
 saw him last at Finnebroguc. " 
 
 And then the traveller allowed himself to be 
 divested of his coat, and gave his riding whip 
 and hat to Lucy, who took them away, and put 
 them in their usual place ; while Mr. Walker 
 sat down by the fire to talk to his lady of the 
 troublous times that these were, and of the 
 great need of strong faith in an Almighty Ruler, 
 who held the things of earth in His hand, and 
 
THE RECTOR OF DONAGHMORE 217 
 
 who never abandoned those who put their trust 
 in Him. 
 
 Many a quiet and pleasant evening had this 
 family of the Walkers spent together. They 
 were fortunate in living among hearty Pro- 
 testants, who were warm in their attachment 
 to their clergyman, and who were cared for, not 
 only in spiritual but in temporal things, by this 
 Mr. George Walker. 
 
 Mr. Walker, as has been said, took interest 
 in the temporal well-being of the people of 
 Donaghmore. Bad way of getting their corn 
 ground was there ; and Mr. Walker, not being- 
 one of those persons who think the souls only, 
 and not the bodies of people, worth caring for, 
 got up, with Isabella his wife, a capital mill 
 for the grinding of such corn as would suffice 
 for the wants of Donaghmore and other places. 
 
 Ah ! Mr. George Walker, fie, fie ! you 
 should have looked, with futurist eye, upon the 
 race of clergymen to come. You should have 
 seen, in anticipation, reverend white-chokered 
 men, with fluent utterance of any amount of 
 spiritual sentimentalities in the pulpit on the 
 Sunday ; and from that till the next Sunday 
 walking with eyes away from green fields, 
 
218 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 and hedge-rows, and corn-matters of their 
 parishioners — who would ask, probably, in a 
 dreamy way, if you talked of this corn-mill 
 of yours, how you had time for such things, 
 and if you did not find it interfere with your 
 spirituality ? 
 
 And that gun and sword of yours, Mr. 
 George Walker. Oh ! it is very shocking to 
 see such weapons of carnal warfare in the 
 habitation of one who should only deal with 
 spiritual weapons. 
 
 Don't you know, Mr. Walker, you should 
 have cut across to England or Scotland, and 
 left the people to the mercy of James % What 
 business has a clergyman to attempt to save 
 the nation from Popery, and slavery, and 
 arbitrary power ? 
 
 No, no, Mr. Walker ; that is a very foolish 
 notion you have got about clergymen being 
 men, and having rights of citizens, and being 
 bound to stand by civil and religious liberty, 
 and all that ! 
 
 Of course it is admitted that a clergyman 
 must know what is right, and be sure that 
 Popery is wrong ; perhaps be bound, in some 
 sort, too, to drive it away. But he is only 
 
THE RECTOR OF DONAGHMORE. 219 
 
 to do this by standing in the pulpit and 
 denouncing it. 
 
 If it won't run, but will come on with a 
 civil sword, to take away civil rights, and to 
 destroy liberty, the preacher is to leave the 
 front, and be content with scarecrow pulpit 
 demonstrations ; nor to dream of opposing 
 Popery on its high road to the taking of the 
 crown that ought to belong to Christ. 
 
 Preachers will say, Mr. George Walker, that 
 very guilty of heinous offence you have been, 
 in daring to meddle with other than pulpit 
 matters, even though it were to dispute the right 
 of coronation of the Devil as World-King ! 
 
 But, because disposed to disregard such cen- 
 sures, the 13th of April finds Mr. Walker riding 
 towards Deny ; riding rather hastily, too, as if 
 the matter of Protestant life or death was some- 
 thing. 
 
 For he had heard tidings of the onward 
 marching of the army of James Stuart. We 
 don't call him king here, just at present. 
 Not exactly in accordance with the fitness of 
 things is it that there should be two kings of 
 the country. And Mr. Walker s king, and the 
 king of other decent people of that time, being 
 
220 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 the one considerably to be preferred, and having 
 been proclaimed in Deny, on the 20th of March, 
 that one is recognised here as the rightful and 
 true king. 
 
 Mr. Walker, entering Derry, meets Colonel 
 Lundy. 
 
 " Well, Colonel, they are corning at last ! " 
 
 " Who are coming ? " 
 
 " The enemy." 
 
 " Nonsense, Mr. Walker, I don't believe it." 
 
 "Well, Colonel Lundy, my duty is done ; I 
 have ridden hither post-haste to warn you, and 
 you will do well to stand on your guard." 
 
 " I agree with Mr. Walker," said Sir Arthur 
 Rawdon, who had arrived from Coleraine with 
 the Protestant army, and had come with them 
 to Derry, the refuge city of the North. 
 
 " Call a council, then, if you like," said 
 Lundy, huffishly; "it shall not be said that I 
 neglected due precaution." 
 
 Sir Arthur Rawdon slightly raised his eye- 
 brows. He was thinking of that retreat from 
 Dromore and Hillsborough, and how it might 
 possibly have been prevented. 
 
 The Council, however, was called. As the 
 next day would be Sunday, it was determined 
 
THE RECTOR OF DONAGHMORE. 221 
 
 to put off the fighting till Monday ; for which 
 morning, at ten o'clock, all officers and soldiers, 
 horse and foot, and all armed men whatsoever, 
 that were able or willing to fight for their 
 country and religion, were summoned to 
 assemble and be ready to fight the enemy. 
 
 Till when, Mr. Walker returned to Lifford, 
 believing in his own story that there was an 
 enemy at hand. As there was, at Cladyford, 
 all night, trying to get over ; and not being 
 able,— that Mr. George Walker and others 
 being in the way, and very resolute to re- 
 main so. 
 
 This Lifford was where a certain password 
 was arranged between Mr. Walker and Mr. 
 Hamilton, which did good service in keeping 
 up correspondence and baffling traitors, while 
 fame was accruing to the names of Deny and 
 -Enniskillen. 
 
 But there is more to be done before these 
 names become immortal. And more to be done 
 before, this brave old Walker, past seventy 
 years now, writes his name on the hearts of all 
 Protestants of Ireland for ever. 
 
CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 THE COUNCIL OF DERRY AND ITS CANNONS. 
 
 " Well, Colonel Lundy, what do you think 
 now of my tidings % " asked Walker, as Lundy 
 gave the order for a flight from Cladyford to 
 Deny, before James, on that Monday, the 15th 
 of April. 
 
 " Oh ! they have happened to turn out true/ 
 replied Lundy, leading the way back to 
 Deny. 
 
 Leading it back in all haste, and being fore- 
 most in that, at any rate ; and once within the 
 gates, crying, — 
 
 " Shut the gates ! shut the gates ! and let 
 no one enter, on pain of death ! " 
 
 And this Mr. George Walker and his 
 regiment, not being in such a hurry to 
 escape, and being somewhat disposed to fight 
 even, were not within the gates in time, 
 
THE COUNCIL OF DEEEY. 223 
 
 and not with Lundy's desire ever would be 
 within the gates. 
 
 So they had to lie outside Deny all night, 
 exposed to the attacks of the enemy. This 
 was to be set down to Lundy's account, 
 already somewhat overdrawn as regards Pro- 
 testantism. 
 
 Next day they got in, the sentinel getting 
 choice of deaths in the matter — death pro- 
 blematical from Lundy, if Walker got in ; and 
 death certain from those outside if he did not 
 get in. So the sentinel, seeing how things 
 were, opened the gates, and Mr. Walker entered 
 Deny. 
 
 And just about that time a vessel from 
 England arrived in Lough Foyle, with two 
 regiments, under Colonels Cunningham and 
 Richards, sent to aid the Protestants of Ulster, 
 according to the promise of King William. 
 Three times Colonel Cunningham sent to 
 Deny, with urgent message to Lundy. Their 
 Majesties left the whole direction of matters to 
 this Lundy, unfortunately. And he was some- 
 where about ; not found till nine at night, at 
 any rate. 
 
 On the 1 7th of April, even Governor Lundy 
 
224 UNDER WHICH KING ? 
 
 became sensible that some show of doing some- 
 thing must be made. So he called a council. 
 He was great in calling councils. When any- 
 body wants aid in cowardliness, let a council 
 be called. Whenever a retreat is desired, call 
 a council. Whenever there is too much danger 
 that prompt action may save a cause which 
 you pretend to care for, but really desire to 
 betray, call a council. A council will always 
 have more cautious men than men of action in 
 it. A council will always support the man in 
 chiefest authority, and take rank for wisdom. 
 A council will put a prompt extinguisher 
 upon your too sanguine men, your men of 
 imagination, and will see ten thousand 
 reasons why any given line of action is 
 impossible ; and concerning how not to 
 do it, and why not to do it, will give 
 the wisest, and the safest, and the solemnest 
 advice ! 
 
 At this council, thus called, the cause of the 
 Deny Protestants was entirely unrepresented 
 Lundy, of course, had everything his own way. 
 Londonderry was utterly indefensible ; there 
 was not a week's provisions in the town ; the 
 enemy would soon possess the place, at any 
 
THE COUNCIL OF DEEEY. 225 
 
 rate, and so there was no use for fighting, no 
 use for the two English regiments, no use for 
 anything, except a surrender. 
 
 A surrender ! Yes ; James is to have Deny 
 the next day. All the gentlemen have agreed 
 upon this. 
 
 " Good God ! " said Sir Arthur Eawdon, 
 " what treachery ! This is nothing less than 
 betraying the Protestant cause ! " 
 
 Walker had taken the tidings to the bedside 
 of Sir Arthur Eawdon. Weak and utterly 
 exhausted was that gallant gentleman, after 
 the fatigue endured by him in the trenches at 
 Portglenone. 
 
 "Oh! that I were myself again, Mr. Walker/ 
 he said ; " but here I lie, useless and worn out, 
 at this most important time ! " 
 
 " God's will be done, Sir Arthur." 
 
 " Yet it is hard, very hard, Mr. Walker, to 
 be wasting away here, when the glorious Pro- 
 testant cause is in peril ; it is hard not to be 
 able to use one's sword, when nothing but the 
 sword will rescue the Protestant interest from 
 imminent danger." 
 
 " I, at any rate, hall stand by Deny 
 to the last, Sir Arthur Eawdon ; while I 
 
 Q 
 
226 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 have life, I will not leave this poor Protestant 
 people." 
 
 Sir Arthur tossed uneasily on his bed. Then 
 he stretched out his hand to Mr. Walker. 
 
 " The doctors say I would not be able to do 
 anythiug, Mr. Walker ; they say I am dying. 
 Would to God I had been able to cast in my 
 lot with you ! " 
 
 "God's hand is heavily laid upon you, Sir 
 Arthur ; and it will be always cause of sorrow 
 to you, no doubt, that you have to leave us at 
 this hour." 
 
 " God knows it will ! If this hand," said 
 Sir Arthur, holding up an emaciated arm, 
 " were able to wield a sword, I never should 
 abandon Derry. But you will take my 
 regiment, Mr. Walker ; it could not be 
 in better hands. The most of the men 
 are County Down men, and true to King 
 William." 
 
 When Walker appeared in the streets, sol- 
 diers and citizens gathered round him. 
 
 " Did you hear what the Council have deter- 
 mined on % " asked one. 
 
 " Lundy's a coward and traitor ! " muttered 
 another. 
 
THE COUNCIL OF DERRY. 227 
 
 " He should be shot ! " said a third. 
 
 " And serve him right ! " added a fourth. 
 
 All Deny was in a state of frenzy. Here 
 was vile treason about to hand them over to 
 the foe. Here were the soldiers sent by the 
 good King William to sail away again. It was 
 easy enough now to see that this Lundy was a 
 traitor all along. What was to be done % How 
 could they get at him % 
 
 Stern countenances and clenched fists the 
 men had who were gathered that evening in 
 the streets of Deny. 
 
 Just then Captain Bell appeared with 
 Lundy. 
 
 " Shoot him ! " cried some one. 
 
 And it was done. Bell fell dead. Treason 
 was thereby discouraged somewhat. It was 
 rank mutiny, of course, this, and not at all 
 reverencing one's betters. However, there were 
 traitors about, and no great time for trying 
 them. And those who were plotting to sur- 
 render Derry, treating with the Stuart, and 
 getting, with all expedition, rid of Williamite 
 oath and orange ribbon, did not, after all, 
 deserve a better fate than to till a traitor's 
 grave. 
 
 q 2 
 
228 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Who traitorously left the gates open the 
 night before James came within sight of 
 Deny % Who lost the keys and sold the 
 pass ? 
 
 Was this by Lundy 's order % 
 
 At any rate, as James comes within sight on 
 the 18th, Lundy has his friends in council 
 again. 
 
 " It is madness to talk of defending this 
 place," said Lundy. 
 
 A messenger desires to speak with the 
 Governor. 
 
 " Captain Adam Murray is coming here 
 with a body of horse and foot," said the 
 messenger. 
 
 " Send some to bid him halt," said Lundy, 
 looking angry. 
 
 The messenger retires. One goes out to 
 Captain Murray. Walker calls him aside as 
 he prepares to depart. 
 
 " Tell Captain Murray," said Walker, " that 
 the Council are about to make terms with the 
 enemy, and are preparing to surrender the 
 city." 
 
 The messenger delivered this message to 
 Murray. 
 
THE COUNCIL OF DERRY. 2:29 
 
 " Never ! " cried the gallant officer ; " on, 
 men, to Derry ! " 
 
 And Murray hastened to the town. Ship- 
 quay-gate was guarded by that James Mor- 
 rison who with a great gun had frightened 
 Lord Antrim's Eed shanks on the 7th of 
 December. 
 
 " Welcome, Captain Murray," he said, as the 
 gate swung open, and Murray and his men 
 were greeted with the loud acclaim of the 
 citizens and soldiers of Derry. 
 
 " What means this shouting % " asked Lundy, 
 rising to look out. 
 
 Just then the door of the council-room flew 
 open. In came Murray, unceremoniously. 
 
 ''Leave the room, sir!" exclaimed Lundy, 
 in a passion. 
 
 " What traitorous work is going on 
 here ? " was Murray's reply. " Is it true, 
 you are preparing to betray the cause of 
 their Majesties, and the Protestants of this 
 kingdom? " 
 
 " Such insolence ! " Lundy shouted, looking 
 more like a detected criminal, however, than a 
 brave and valiant soldier. 
 
 Bo — o — om ! 
 
230 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " Good God ! what are they at ? " cried 
 Lundy. 
 
 " Firing, it seems/' replied Murray, drily. 
 
 And then there was a loud shout. All the 
 town was out to see the army. There it was 
 at Bishop's-gate, and there was the Popish 
 King. 
 
 Derry citizens, who had been told the 
 army was not to approach, and who knew 
 the Council were debating the terms of sur- 
 render, not without reason suspected foul 
 treachery. 
 
 James had been jauntily advancing, never 
 doubting that the traitors had it all their 
 own way, never doubting that the very 
 name of a Stuart, and a king — even such 
 .a king — would open the gates, and take the 
 town. 
 
 So a little surprised he was when there came 
 that discharge of musketry and cannon from 
 the ramparts of Derry. 
 
 " What — what — what 1 ;; he exclaimed. 
 
 Bo — o — om ! 
 
 Down goes his aide-de-camp, Captain Troy, 
 just by his side. 
 
 " They are firing at me — at me — at me ! " 
 
THE COUNCIL OF DERRY. 231 
 
 lie exclaims, stepping back at each syllabic 
 utterance, and getting as much afraid as it 
 was possible for him to do, with any sem- 
 blance of regard for that cast-off kingliness 
 of his. 
 
 Yes, James Stuart, — and why not ? A per- 
 jurer, and a destroyer of Protestants, what right 
 have you to favour from the citizen-soldiers of 
 Deny % 
 
 They know what is meant by the flag on 
 Dublin Castle, with its " Now or never : now 
 and for ever ! " 
 
 And they accept the motto ; and bid you, 
 in God's name, try how the thing will go. 
 
 As for them, they are sober, resolute, God- 
 fearing Protestants, most of them ; and mean 
 to get rid, as soon as possible, of all cowards 
 and traitors. That is what they mean by 
 gathering round Walker and Murray, James 
 Stuart ! You hear that f 
 
 Do your Irish and French friends under- 
 stand it ? 
 
 It is not what Lundy promised you should 
 hear ; and is not likely to be much in favour 
 with the race hereafter. 
 
 Listen ! 
 
232 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 For, loud above the rattle of musketry, and 
 above the roar of artillery, is heard peal on peal 
 of a triumphant defiance; and those people 
 mean what they say, James Stuart, when they 
 shout out, — 
 
 "No Surrender ! " 
 
CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 ANNIE AND CHARLOTTE. 
 
 There lay in a small room, on the ground- 
 floor of a house not far from Bishop's-gate, one 
 who was startled from slumber by the sound 
 of the first discharge of fire-arms. 
 
 She awoke, and raised herself on her elbow, 
 to listen ; wondering what was going on, and 
 who were firing the guns. 
 
 Just then, the door opened softly, as was 
 natural, seeing there was an invalid in the 
 room ; but as was not very much matter, con- 
 sidering what was going on outside. 
 
 "I have come to tell you, Annie," said 
 Charlotte Harrington, "that King James has 
 come in sight, and that they have been firing 
 at his army." 
 
 " Oh ! Charlotte, this head of mine aches 
 so ! Will there be any more cannons going 
 off?" 
 
234 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " I tliink there may be. They will not open 
 the gates, and are mad at Lundy and the 
 Council." 
 
 " Where's Jasper ? " 
 
 This question was recognised as quite 
 natural now, even by Charlotte Harrington. 
 " On the wall, with the rest, I believe." 
 " And will there — will there be firing from 
 the other side ? " 
 
 " I don't know ; I suppose so." 
 " Oh dear ! " exclaimed Annie, and then 
 she lay back on her pillow, with exhausted 
 look, and great air of weariness about her. 
 
 " Shall I stay with you I " asked Charlotte, 
 sitting down, as she said so, on the edge of the 
 bed. 
 
 " Please do, Charlotte." 
 " I made Jasper tell me, last night, all about 
 that story," said Charlotte. 
 " I am glad you did." 
 " Poor Annie ! He was but just in time." 
 " But not in time to save dear, good grand- 
 father," sobbed Annie. 
 
 " Oh ! well your grandfather is far better 
 off ; there are no wars and fighting where he 
 is," 
 
ANNIE AND CHARLOTTE. 235 
 
 Annie held out her hand to Charlotte. It 
 was taken in a very friendly manner. For there 
 was, after all, true woman's sympathy with 
 sorrow in Charlotte Harrington. And besides, 
 there was a half admitted consciousness that 
 she had wronged Annie Wharton. It was 
 done from love of Jasper, she told herself ; but 
 still, perhaps, after all, it was not acting fairly 
 by Annie. 
 
 And so, when Jasper rode up to the door, 
 bearing Annie, in a state of helplessness, after 
 all that sorrow, and that long fatiguing march 
 to Derry, Charlotte was ready enough to give 
 up her room to Annie, and, what is more, to 
 give up to her some very considerable portion 
 of the sympathies of her heart. 
 
 It may be thought that there is some in- 
 consistency in this, after what has already been 
 seen of Charlotte Harrington. Very likely, but 
 who is entirely consistent ? Who has not a 
 better nature, and a worse % And who is not 
 conscious of the ascendency sometimes of the 
 one, and sometimes of the other % 
 
 Besides, who is not operated upon by ex- 
 ternal circumstances % Do not some people 
 shine in prosperity, who would but make a 
 
236 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 very poor appearance in adversity ? And, on 
 the other hand, do not some children of for- 
 tune fail to show their genuine virtues till 
 fortune has left them, and evil days come % 
 
 More than this, who can truly read a 
 woman's heart ? Who will undertake to say 
 that she is not most consistent when her con- 
 duct appears the very reverse ? Who will 
 pierce through hidden motives, and read the 
 heart by the action of the hands % 
 
 May there not be a golden thread of laby- 
 rinthian sort, followed carefully and con- 
 stantly on, through various mazy windings, 
 that appear to exhibit, to outward seeing, the 
 very acme of inconsistency ; when the real life 
 is just as true as the magnet to the polar 
 star ? 
 
 Be this as it may, no one could now take 
 better care of Annie Wharton than did Char- 
 lotte Harrington. And, by " taking care," it 
 is not meant that Jasper was rigorously ex- 
 cluded from the sick room. 
 
 Of course that would have been utter folly, 
 after all that had happened ; but it would 
 have been some people's way of " taking care," 
 not the less on that account. 
 
ANNIE AND CHARLOTTE. 237 
 
 So, in the evening, there was a knock at the 
 door, and an invitation to enter given. 
 
 " What news, Jasper ? " Charlotte said, and 
 Annie looked. 
 
 "That scoundrel, Lundy, is hiding some- 
 where ; he had better not be caught, I pro- 
 mise him." 
 
 " Who is Governor now, then ? " 
 
 " Oh ! we haven't got a Governor yet ; but 
 Murray will likely be, if he takes it." 
 
 " I suppose he'll make no objection." 
 
 " Well, I don't know. He says he'd rather 
 be at the fighting part of the business." 
 
 " Why could they not appoint Sir Arthur 
 Kawdon ? " 
 
 " Poor fellow, he is dying, the doctor says ; 
 at any rate, he is so ill that he has left the 
 town." 
 
 " Is there no one to fill Lundy's place ? " 
 
 " God forbid ! " said Jasper, emphatically. 
 
 'You know what I mean, Jasper," said 
 Charlotte ; " of course I mean as Governor." 
 
 "Never fear but we'll get some one. 
 There's old Walker, an excellent and worthy 
 man; and he has got Sir Arthur's regiment, 
 too." 
 
238 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " What have you got that tied round your 
 left arm for, Jasper ? " asked Annie, somewhat 
 anxiously. " Are you hurt ? " 
 
 " Hurt ? Oh ! no, Annie ; not at all ; the 
 white band is the mark of a ' No Surrender ' 
 man ; all who stand by Murray have got it 
 on." 
 
 "And you think they won't give up the 
 town to the Papist army ? " 
 
 " Give it up 1 Never, dear ! We'll all die 
 first ; that you may be sure of ! " 
 
 " What are the Council doing now ? " asked 
 Charlotte. 
 
 " Oh ! they're all trying to wheedle 
 Murray; they think if they get him over 
 that the rest will be easy work. They had the 
 impudence to send for the Presbyterian 
 ministers, but they would not go, any of 
 them, except your uncle Peter, Annie," said 
 Jasper, slyly. 
 
 " Oh ! Jasper ; did he go ? " asked Annie, 
 with startled look, and a blush. 
 
 "Yes, he did." 
 
 Annie was almost ready to cry. She 
 thought it very strange that her uncle should 
 be on the temporizing side. 
 
ANNIE AND CHARLOTTE. 239 
 
 " Never mind, Annie ; I'll tell you how it 
 was. He didn't know what they wanted with 
 him ; and, as soon as he went, and found out, 
 he was very angry — I never saw him so 
 angry." 
 
 "I'm so glad!" said Annie, brightening 
 up. 
 
 " That he was angry ? " 
 
 " No, no ; that he was not — not — " 
 
 "On King James's side," said Jasper, sug- 
 gestively. 
 
 " Yes, that's what I mean." 
 
 " Oh ! he's a True Blue ; a real old Cove- 
 nant man !" 
 
 Jasper jumped up. 
 
 "I must be off! " he said; "I'm to be at 
 one of the gates, to-night ; Murray won't trust 
 any of Lundy's men. He's going to keep a 
 sharp look-out, for fear of treachery." 
 
 "God bless you, Jasper! " said Annie, and 
 lay down wearily on her pillow, as the door 
 closed on him ; thinking with throbbing heart 
 how a bullet might come speeding through the 
 air, that night, and rob her of the dearest of 
 earthly treasures. 
 
 A cold, creeping shiver came over her, and 
 
240 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 she covered up her eyes as if to keep out the 
 vision of a grave. 
 
 Trust in God, Annie, and keep heart of 
 hope. Anyway, love without life is better 
 than life without love ! 
 
CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 MURRAY AND MAUMONT. 
 
 " I have just a minute to say farewell," said 
 Jasper Harrington, hurrying into the room on 
 the morning of the 21st. 
 
 "Where are you going, Jasper ? " 
 
 " Well, I don't know, Annie ; there is some 
 talk of making a sally to-day, as the Papists 
 were planting their guns yesterday across the 
 water, and now are said to be bringing a 
 culverin close to the town." 
 
 "Weren't they trying to get Colonel Murray 
 to surrender yesterday \ " asked Charlotte. 
 
 " Ay were they. Lord Strabane offered him 
 a thousand pounds, and a colonel's commission 
 in James's army, if he could manage the 
 thing." 
 
 " And what then ? " 
 
 " Oh ! we saw them busy planting guns 
 
242 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 while Lord Strabane was talking to Murray, 
 and so we bade him look out, for we would fire 
 on him if he stayed there longer." 
 
 " I suppose you will go out with the party, 
 if there is one," said Charlotte. 
 
 Jasper made a significant gesture, but said 
 nothing. Annie was watching him. Not a 
 word was said, however, to dissuade him, 
 although one person in the room would lain 
 have done so, under other circumstances. 
 Jasper did not take as much thought of this as 
 he would have done in quieter times, for his 
 blood was up, so he hastily said, — 
 
 " God be with you, Annie ; I must go ; we 
 must teach these rascals that we mean as we 
 say, when we tell them that we will never 
 deliver up the town, except to King William 
 or Queen Mary." 
 
 "There is not to be much rest this Sabbath, 
 it seems," said Annie, with a sigh, as the door 
 closed. 
 
 " That is not the fault of our side, dear," 
 said Charlotte, looking out, as shot after shot 
 was heard coming into the town, and falling 
 on the roofs of the houses around. 
 
 " I suppose not, but it's a pity." 
 
MURRAY AND MAUMONT. 248 
 
 " There are the people going to the Cathedral 
 now/' said Charlotte; " I think I'll go, Annie, 
 if you wouldn't want anything." 
 
 " Oh ! do go, Charlotte ; I feel Letter to- 
 day, and think I shall try and sit up." 
 
 And so Charlotte Harrington began to pre- 
 pare for God's worship ; taking down, one by 
 one, from the pegs in the wall, the things she 
 required, and arranging in order the invalid's 
 things, that there might be no trouble on her 
 part in getting them, if there was a need's be. 
 
 The bells of the cathedral were ringing their 
 chimes. They were sounding out, solemn and 
 char, above all the noise of the camp and the 
 din of war. They were calling together the 
 worshippers of that God who had inspired the 
 people with such trust and confidence in Him, 
 that they felt assured He would work for the 
 glory of His name, and give to them the 
 victory. 
 
 And many a devout and earnest worshipper 
 answered the call. Walker was there, not 
 then as Governor, but as the minister of God. 
 And Governor Baker, his brave colleague, was 
 there; and Murray, and Mitchelburn, and 
 Cairns, and Crofton, and Blair, and Ash, and 
 
 H 2 
 
244 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Taylor, and Saunderson, and Moore of Augh- 
 nacloy. 
 
 But Lundy was not there. He had stolen 
 away the night before, with a faggot of sticks 
 on his back. And with his faggot of sticks he 
 passes away from among true men, infamy 
 accruing to his name for ever. 
 
 And others, not of the Church of England, 
 were worshipping in other parts of the city ; 
 but this was not because the cathedral was not 
 shared with them, but because their turn of 
 service there did not come so early in the 
 day. 
 
 Miserable, indeed, would it have been, and 
 much to be desired by the enemy, if the Pro- 
 testants that were in Londonderry had for- 
 gotten their glorious common cause, and gone 
 to contention with each other about non-essen- 
 tial ceremonial observances. 
 
 Miserable, indeed ; and much doubt would 
 there then have been of Deny ever becoming 
 a name of immortal renown ! 
 
 Antichrist's battalions have the unity of 
 Death among them, and Christ's battalions 
 must have the unity of Life. They may be 
 regimented, with their different facings and 
 
MURRAY AND MAUMONT. 245 
 
 standards. But let them remember that this 
 does not make them foes. Hell would forget, 
 for a season, the dire infernality of its woe, 
 and break forth into jubilant chorus, if there 
 could be seen an internecine war in the army 
 of the Faithful and True ! 
 
 " They are frightening the whole town with 
 that culverin," said Walker, as he and Murray 
 left the cathedral together. 
 
 " AVe must give them a lesson, Walker," said 
 Murray, laying his hand upon his sword, and 
 making known his intention of heading a sally 
 from the town against the besiegers. 
 
 " May I go, Colonel % " asked Jasper, coming 
 up. 
 
 " Certainly, if you please ; as many as are 
 not on duty elsewhere may go," said Murray. 
 
 And some three hundred horse, and a large 
 detachment of foot, followed Murray. The 
 horse were divided into two squadrons, the 
 first of which Murray himself led on. 
 
 "Here they come !" he said, riding forward 
 towards the advancing foe. 
 
 On came the foe, charging gallantly. They 
 were led by Maumont, and led well. Murray's 
 blood was up. He singled out the opposing 
 
246 UNDER WHICH KINO? 
 
 chief, and sought to terminate the fight. They 
 crossed swords, but the tide of war bore them 
 far apart. 
 
 And now the besieged begin to waver — they 
 pause — they retreat. 
 
 " On, men ! follow me ! " shouted Murray, 
 rallying the scattered squadrons. 
 
 Again there is fierce onslaught made by far 
 superior force, and again the Derry men waver 
 before the foe. 
 
 " On men ! No surrender ! " cried Murray, 
 and with an answering shout the Protestant 
 cavalry followed him to the fight. 
 
 Down went many a soldier of France, and 
 many a supporter of James. 
 
 But still the foe came on. Over the dead 
 and dying they came, careless enough of their 
 own dead, so that they gained the day. 
 
 And on with them came their leader. 
 
 "Ha! met again!" cried Murray. They 
 close. With grim glance they scan each other, 
 and strike. 
 
 Again the tide of war carries them apart — 
 again the Protestant forces retreat — again 
 Murray cheers them on, and dashes into the 
 thickest of the fray. 
 
MURRAY AND MAUMONT. 247 
 
 Once more the French commander is before 
 
 him. 
 
 " This time one or other must die ! " says 
 Murray, with shut teeth and determined 
 resolve. 
 
 The shore was covered with the dead. Tha 
 footprints of the horses were red pools of blood. 
 And both armies, now intent on the fight of 
 their leaders, stood apart to watch how the day 
 would go. 
 
 A pistol-shot struck Murray's horse. If it 
 went down, he was lost. But it did not ; it 
 gallantly bore up and on, as if its rider's spin 
 had got into it also. 
 
 Throwing away their pistols, they rode furi- 
 ously at each other, sword in hand. The blows 
 , were well aimed, and were heard ringing on 
 their armour by many an anxious listener, 
 intent upon the deadly strife. 
 
 Fiercely they fight. Well and bravely they 
 bear themselves in the fray, like true and 
 gallant gentlemen. And now their swords fly 
 inpieces ; they fight awhile with fragmentary, 
 blade, and then seize their rapiers to bring to 
 an end the combat. 
 
 Ha ! he glances round. He wheels his horse 
 
243 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 He would retreat. He is wounded, He will 
 fall anon, unless he gains the tents beyond. 
 
 Too late ! 
 
 Struck ! Yes ; that will do ; there will be 
 no more contest here. The blade has gone 
 home ; the blood comes gushing forth ; the 
 arm falls ; the chief of France bends forward ; 
 he drops ; he lies ; he is dead ! 
 
 And now, with angry shout, the Irish rush 
 on again. 
 
 A portion of the Derry horse was near. 
 Wearied somewhat, Murray sought to gain it. 
 Seeing this, an Irish trooper raised his pistol, 
 and was about to fire ; when Harrington, lead- 
 ing a party, came up and struck him dead. 
 
 Almost surrounded were those few, and in 
 imminent danger. Walker sees it, mounts a 
 horse, rallies his men, and rescues gallant 
 Murray ; showing, in the fight, that he well 
 could handle the sword as well as the Word. 
 
 And was it not for the Word, this fight \ 
 And was it any breach of the Holy Day? 
 Was it not, rather, a work of as much neces- 
 sity as taking ox or ass from the pit 1 More, 
 somewhat, not a few will think. 
 
 For there would have been no preaching of 
 
MURRAY AND MAUMONT. 249 
 
 the Word, the vanquished being the victors. 
 And there would have been no Sabbath to 
 sanctify, the Stuart being king. 
 
 Therefore, the killing of two hundred foes, 
 and the taking of three standards from their 
 camp, was a worthy deed, well done, that day. 
 The ten Protestants that fell in fight died not 
 Sabbath-breakers. 
 
 They fought for the Sabbath and the Word, 
 as on the Sabbath fought victoriously the 
 guardians of the ark, under Joshua's lead, 
 around the walls of Jericho. 
 
CHAPTEK XXXI. 
 
 THE CRIMSON BANNER. 
 
 " They have been busy last night, Governor," 
 said Harrington, coming up to Walker, on the 
 morning of the 6th of May. 
 
 " Doubtless they mean mischief, to-day," re- 
 plied Walker ; "I suppose Ramsay designed 
 to surprise us." 
 
 "That battery of theirs, on Windmill Hill, 
 will do harm, sir." 
 
 "Not long, Harrington." 
 
 " Last night, some of our fellows were jeering 
 at the people in the trench, and offering to 
 open the gates for them, if they felt inclined to 
 try their fortune." 
 
 "It is wonderful the heart of our people," 
 replied Walker, "nothing seems to daunt 
 them." 
 
 " They have trust in their cause, and in their 
 
THE CRIMSON BANNER. 251 
 
 commanders, sir/' replied Harrington, with a 
 smile. 
 
 " I believe so ; well, it is four o'clock. We 
 should be moving, if we mean to outwit Earn- 
 say. I shall take ten men out of each com- 
 pany ; and, by the blessing of God, the trenches 
 will soon be cleared of the foe." 
 
 " Here's Governor Baker," said Harrington, 
 as Baker joined the little group, then gathered 
 near Ferry-quay gate. 
 
 " Well, Baker, are you ready ? " asked 
 Walker. 
 
 " Quite ready ; but the men are not all here." 
 " Oh ! they'll soon follow, when they see the 
 gates opened." 
 
 "We had better be moving, then," said 
 Baker, preparing to head a detachment from 
 Bishop's-gate, which joined Walker's detach- 
 ment outside the walls. 
 
 And then, with a loud hurrah, the Deny 
 men dashed on the foe, and drove before them, 
 helter-skelter, the Irish dragoons. 
 
 Harrington led on a party to the trenches, 
 and, joining Dunbar and Bashford, soon drove 
 out the enemy, and took possession of their 
 trenches. Here there was hard fighting. The 
 
252 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Irish found themselves flanked ; and, after a 
 short struggle, thought good to run for it. 
 
 The Protestants pursued the foe. There was 
 no time for loading. Seizing their guns by 
 the barrels, and using them as clubs, the 
 Deny men did wonderful execution in that 
 somewhat unmilitary fashion. 
 
 In vain General Kamsay drew his sword, and 
 threatened to kill the fugitives if they persisted 
 in their disgraceful retreat. In vain he up- 
 braided them with their cowardice in flying 
 before a crowd of undisciplined rebels. 
 
 The rout was complete. Mortal man could 
 not put courage in the foe. 
 
 " Surrender ! " cried Harrington to Ramsay. 
 
 " Never ! " was the reply. 
 
 " Then draw ! " 
 
 Ramsay was brave. He, at least, wanted 
 not in soldierly valour. He was a gallant and 
 distinguished officer, although in the army of 
 James. 
 
 But he felt deeply this retreat of his men, 
 and was now unable to collect himself com- 
 pletely, or act with the coolness that alone 
 could save him, in an encounter with an 
 expert swordsman. 
 
THE CRIMSON BANNER. 253 
 
 So Harrington, seizing his advantage, dealt 
 him a mortal blow ; and he fell on the field of 
 fight, and soon breathed out his life. 
 
 As he fell, his pocket-book dropped out, and 
 Harrington securing it, in the belief that some- 
 thing of importance might be found in it, 
 handed it to Baker. 
 
 " Here is a letter from Hamilton ; look at 
 this, Walker," said Baker. 
 
 " ' No Quarter ! ' Is that their game ? Well, 
 be it so ! " exclaimed Mitch elburne, who had 
 come up, with two stand of colours which he 
 himself had captured. 
 
 "A warm half-hour's work, Governor!" 
 gaily observed Campbell, joining the group. 
 
 " Where's Murray % " *asked Walker, looking 
 at Harrington. 
 
 " Foremost in pursuit, doubtless," said Michel- 
 burne ; " I had enough to do to get him to use 
 due caution." 
 
 " Murray is a right gallant fellow," Walker 
 remarked ; " his forbears, the Philiphaugh lairds, 
 were always brave." 
 
 " As lions," said Campbell, with due regard 
 for so gallant a Scottish race. 
 
 " One of them was at the Glasgow University, 
 
254 UNDER WHICH KING ? 
 
 when 1 was there/' added Walker ; " our 
 Murray and he are like in face." 
 
 " Well, Murray ; we were talking of you/' 
 said Baker, as the subject of their discourse 
 came up with many a blood-stain on his 
 sword. 
 
 " A good day's work ! " was Murray's re- 
 joinder, as he wiped the stains off his sword. 
 
 " Not less than a couple of hundred killed, 
 and twice that number wounded," said Mitchel- 
 burne. 
 
 " Besides many prisoners — here's one ! " said 
 Baker, as Lord Netterville was brought up. 
 
 " Ha ! who is this ? " asked Walker, as 
 another officer, badly wounded, was carried 
 along. 
 
 " I know the face," said Harrington ; "I saw 
 him in the Castle, with the Lord Deputy." 
 
 " It is Will Talbot, his natural son," said 
 Walker ; " he is a colonel, I believe." 
 
 "Poor Douglas is killed," said Murray, 
 moving towards the city, where the people 
 were crowding the walls, to greet the victors 
 on their return. 
 
 " And yet, thank God, our loss is very light," 
 added Walker, as they entered the town. 
 
THE CRIMSON BANNER. 255 
 
 " Mitchelburne's Bloody Flag flies proudly, 
 as if it waved defiance to the foe," said Murray, 
 looking up at the cathedral, where it floated 
 out, on the steeple or tower. 
 
 " Better there than on the Boyal Bastion," 
 said Mitchelburne, " though either place would 
 do well enough, for that matter/' 
 . " Ay," observed Walker, " either place will 
 do, while true hearts are round it, and heaven 
 above it." 
 
 And Walker, and Baker, and Murray, and 
 Mitchelburne, and the other gallant leaders of 
 the heroic defenders of Deny, were greeted, as 
 they entered, with loud applauding shouts ; for 
 as yet there was no worse foe there than the 
 one that had been vanquished in the fight, and 
 as yet the hopes and hearts of the true and 
 brave had not to wage a deadly strife with 
 fever, and pale famine. 
 
 Therefore the crowds came out with merry 
 hearts, and the fair ones of Derry sang cheerily 
 the welcome of the victors. 
 
 Shining down on the throng was the sun, at 
 noontide ; and the arms were gleaming in it, 
 that May day. 
 
 And its bright and pleasant rays lighted up 
 
25C UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 one nappy face, as Jasper reached the walls, 
 and was welcomed by Annie Wharton. 
 
 Who had come out to surprise him, and 
 looked radiantly joyous; as if the chimes of 
 bells that were ringing for the victory had been 
 telling of a wedding, and not of a war. 
 
CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 WITHIN THE WALLS. 
 
 It is an evening in the middle of June. 
 Many a heart, pent up in the beleaguered city, 
 beats at the thought of past pleasant days, in 
 country quiet, amid the joys and endearments 
 of home. 
 
 Bomb-shells coming into the town had now 
 become so common an occurrence, that the 
 timidest women and the youngest children had 
 learned to look at them almost unmoved, when 
 they did not happen to alight in their imme- 
 diate proximity, or tear down part of the 
 house in which they dwelt. 
 
 And death had become so common an oc- 
 currence that it was not of very much disturb- 
 ance to the living • who thought more of the 
 famine and the fever that were creeping 
 stealthily about the streets, rendering life a 
 
258 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 burden, and death an ending of sorrow and 
 pain. 
 
 On this evening, two girls were sitting 
 together on part of a rafter that had been 
 brought in for firewood. They were listening, 
 apparently for the approach of some one. 
 
 Before them was a thin kind of meal gruel, 
 and not very much of it, which they had 
 ready, to appear as if they were eating, when 
 any one came to the door. 
 
 With woman's tact and tenderness, they felt 
 that, it would please, if they seemed quite at 
 home with that food ; and they were prepared 
 to prove satisfactorily — in any way except by 
 eating it — that they enjoyed the salted horse- 
 flesh and the tallow, as much as ever they 
 enjoyed any food in their lives. 
 
 And, poor souls, there was little even of that 
 food for them. The store, too, was lessening 
 every day ; and there would soon be an end of 
 it, people said, unless there was some wonder- 
 ful deliverance. 
 
 This was only in the middle of June. At 
 which time the little garrison had lost a thou- 
 sand men ; but not lost heart, nor lost their 
 cause. 
 
WITHIN THE WALLS 259 
 
 Here comes Jasper Harrington, now, and 
 another with him. This is Kobert Walker, the 
 Governor's son, who has come with Jasper to 
 fetch home his sister Lucy, now busy at her 
 supper, in company with Annie Wharton. 
 
 For these two had been friends for some 
 time. 
 
 It had come about after that joyous bell- 
 ringing ; as Lucy had asked her father who the 
 young girl was who looked so delicate, and de- 
 termined, in sudden impulsive manner, to see 
 her at another time. 
 
 Perhaps there was a mixture of motives in 
 this. 
 
 She had often seen Captain Harrington with 
 her brothers, and had spoken to him on several 
 occasions. She began to like him ; or, at any- 
 rate, she began to feel interested in him. She 
 asked her brothers whether he was brave in 
 battle ; and she heard delightedly, long after 
 it happened, the story of his combat with 
 Eamsay. 
 
 So she surprised Annie Wharton, one day, 
 by coming in, and saying she was a daughter 
 of Mr. Walker. 
 
 Charlotte was not there, but came in soon 
 
 s 2 
 
260 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 after, from more than women's work, on the 
 walls. For she had been serving; ammunition 
 in brave fashion, as many of the heroic women 
 did, those troublous days ; and sometimes 
 tending, with active hands, the falling or the 
 fallen. 
 
 Lucy had thought that Annie was a rela- 
 tion of Jasper's : and, when she found that she 
 was not, she did not talk so much to Annie. 
 Charlotte was the favourite then, and was 
 talked to at a wonderful rate. 
 
 But, when Charlotte wasn't in, Lucy 
 Walker did not go away ; and, as this was 
 often the case, she liked Annie better ; and 
 chatted away to her, with a pleasant tongue 
 that it seemed as if nothing would make 
 silent. 
 
 And often Jasper would come in, then ; 
 when the tongue would talk to him, as he 
 listened with becoming attention to the 
 Governor's daughter. 
 
 Though, truth to tell, he often wished that 
 she would stay at home in the evenings, 
 especially as he had now but brief opportuni- 
 ties of meeting Annie alone. 
 
 To-night she seemed determined not to go. 
 
WITHIN THE WALLS. 261 
 
 " Capital supper we have had, Captain Har- 
 rington ! " she said, gaily. 
 
 "I hope you will have better soon." 
 
 " Do you think so \ " 
 
 " I hope so." 
 
 "There are ever so many sail in the Lough/' 
 said Robert Walker. 
 
 " Are they friendly sail ? " 
 
 " Oh ! yes ; some of King William's fleet, no 
 doubt," Harrington answered. 
 
 For it was at Harrington that Lucy Walker 
 looked, when asking the question. 
 
 " They are raising and lowering the flag on 
 the steeple," said Charlotte Harrington, 
 coming in ; "I hope the ships will understand 
 the signal." 
 
 " Doubtless they will, and come and help 
 us," said Jasper. 
 
 " Come and let us go and see the ships," 
 said Lucy, starting up, and preparing to go ; 
 then adding, "Will vou come. Annie ? " 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Why not ? Are you afraid ? " 
 
 Jasper flushed at this. Whether with an- 
 noyance of anger or shame could not be well 
 decided. 
 
262 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Well, why won't you come 1 " 
 
 " Because I don't wish to go." 
 
 And the others, except Charlotte, then left 
 the roomj to have a look at those numerous 
 ships that King William had sent to relieve his 
 faithful subjects, and to save them from famine 
 and death. 
 
 The joy-bells were ringing. Eagerly the 
 people were crowding the walls, to look away 
 down the Foyle, at the Avhite wings spread 
 upon the wind. And there was dismay in the 
 camp of the enemy. They were tearing oft 
 their red coats, in despair, and some were 
 turning them inside out. 
 
 Turncoats they were, of a verity ; and many 
 followers they were to have, to all time. 
 Coward hearts, whose attachment to any cause 
 is money's worth, from a brass half-crown up, 
 would consecrate this kind of thing and cano- 
 nize it, and then worship it as something of 
 divine nature. 
 
 But the joyful sound of the bells died 
 away, and the crowd on the walls turned 
 their pale despairing faces towards each 
 other; and there were tears on many a 
 
WITHIN THE WALLS. 263 
 
 cheek, and there was woe in many a counte- 
 nance. 
 
 For Kirke, in spite of all that had been done, 
 and in spite of message sent, at risk of life by 
 the gallant James Koch, had heartlessly de- 
 parted from Deny, and was passing along 
 down the Lough. 
 
 " God help us ! " exclaimed Robert Walker, 
 as he saw the fleet, one by one, dropping out 
 of sight, and looked on the wan and wasted 
 features of many a one who was to die, 
 murdered by this act of Major-General 
 Kirke. 
 
 Oh ! it was a base and cruel act ; and all 
 this distance of time, and all that was to be 
 said and done after, will never, to the world's 
 last sunset, blot out the bloodstain upon that 
 man's name and memory ! 
 
 And, as the messengers of hope pass away, 
 the shouts of the army of the tyrant are 
 heard ; and loud and long merriment they are 
 making, at the dying of the hopes of Deny. 
 
 It was natural, Jasper thought, that Annie 
 should be in tears, the next time he saw her, 
 after this ; and he did his best to speak such 
 comfort as was possible. 
 
264 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Not much did Annie say, one way or the 
 other; but there might have been, even at 
 such a crisis as that, some different reason for 
 the tears that were shed. However, she was 
 glad that there was no need of explanation of 
 the matter ; and that public events, and that 
 miserable disappointment endured by every 
 one, was sufficient reason for other than 
 woman's tears. 
 
 When Harrington left her, he went to see 
 the gallant Baker, who was near his dying- 
 hour. 
 
 " Well, Harrington, not much use now/' he 
 said ; " but Mitchelburne will take my place, 
 and do bravely." 
 
 Harrington spoke a few words, cheerfully. 
 as was best. Though, in truth, it was little 
 possible to do so, at that time. 
 
 And Conrad de Rosen, the Frenchman, with 
 fifteen hundred fresh troops, reached the camp 
 of the enemy, a day or two after. 
 
 In an oath, too tremendously obscene and 
 blasphemous to be written with ink, or looked 
 upon by the eye, he swore that he would do 
 unutterable things to the city, to the girls, 
 to the very babies at the breast. 
 
WITHIN THE WALLS. 265 
 
 Then it was that that noble race, deserted 
 by man, but strong in the faith of God, met 
 the threats of De Rosen by the famous pro- 
 nouncement that no one, on pain of death, was 
 to whisper the word, "Surrender." 
 
 And then it was that, in the evenings, sit- 
 ting still by the deserted hearths, and rocking 
 to and fro the pale and wasted little ones, the 
 eyes of the weary watchers lighted up with a 
 strange joy, as they told how God was guard- 
 ing the dear ones, and would not let the 
 wicked men approach to hurt them ; and that, 
 every night, as the clock struck twelve, com- 
 passing the city by land and sea, was seen an 
 Angel, riding a snow-white horse, and bearing 
 in his right hand a flaming sword. 
 
CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 TO THE MEMORY OP DE ROSEN. 
 
 Sunday was over, and Monday. July had 
 come, and this Tuesday morning was its second 
 day. 
 
 Watchers, here and there on the walls, 
 thought it would be a pleasant sight to look 
 upon when the sun shone upon the water, and 
 the hills and the trees and the river banks 
 came out in light to meet the morning ; and 
 that it would be a glad thing to walk out in 
 the summer air, and breathe the freshness, 
 listening the while to the carols of the lark, 
 or the faint and infrequent calling of the 
 wandering bird. 
 
 But yonder were the tents of the foe. Even 
 then there came from them the sounds of life 
 that were ominous of evil to many a heart in 
 Derry. 
 
TO THE MEMORY OF DE ROSEN. 267 
 
 And see ! There is a proof of this life. 
 
 Darkly in the dawn there is coming on a 
 moving mass. Deny is alert, and on the 
 watch, and fires a shot or two to let this fact 
 tell upon the foe. 
 
 But only a shot or two. For it is seen now 
 that on to the walls are coming footsore and 
 weary people. They halt, and look back, and 
 throw up their arms piteously, as pikes in 
 cruel hands drive them on. 
 
 And the sun is rising red over the Foyle, 
 and the river, in the rays, is turned into blood. 
 
 In the sunlight there is seen streaming the 
 long grey hairs of age, as it comes on with 
 tottering steps towards the walls of the city. 
 And yonder is a boy of three or four carried 
 by a man, and his feet are bleeding and he is 
 weary. And there is a young girl weeping 
 bitterly, for there is little to cover her, and she 
 has passed along amidst the taunts and jeers 
 of ruffians. And over there is a woman who 
 is not able to stir, though they bid her go on 
 to the town, for she is weak, and fainting, and 
 ill, and her new-born baby is dead beside her. 
 
 This was Conrad de Eosen's way of taking 
 Londonderry for King James. 
 
2G8 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 All the country round by Belfast and Char- 
 lemont, and on to Deny, was swept by the 
 besom of destruction, and the Protestants 
 driven under the walls. 
 
 The besieged were tauntingly told to relieve 
 them, if they would not have the poor people 
 die. At this time the people of Deny were 
 eating dogs and cats and vermin, and thought 
 themselves well off that they had good quanti- 
 ties of starch and dried hides. It was hard, 
 therefore, that they could not feed the famish- 
 ing crowd beyond the city. But one thing 
 they could do, and they did it. 
 
 A gallows was hoisted high, to hang 
 Lord Netterville and the twenty gentlemen ; 
 and Popish priests were invited to come in, 
 with their holy anointing oil, to prepare the 
 prisoners to die. 
 
 For there was a God in heaven, the people 
 said ; they supposed that this would be ad- 
 mitted. And as surely as there was, unless 
 the thousands of poor Protestants were sent 
 back to their homes, every Papist in the town 
 would hang as high as Hainan. 
 
 And the crowd. Did they beg for a place 
 within the walls ? Did they seek for some 
 
TO THE MEMORY OF DE ROSEN. 269 
 
 sustenance from, the defenders 1 Did they ask 
 them to give up a useless contest, for that the 
 foemen were mighty to slay \ 
 
 There is nothing, they said, we would de- 
 plore so much as your pity. Pity us not ■ 
 shelter us not ; feed us not ! And when they 
 saw the weeping people on the walls, and 
 when they feared that the gates were about to 
 be unclosed to take them in, they went down 
 on their knees imploringly, and said that 
 there was just one favour that they desired, 
 and that was that the besieged should o-al- 
 lantly hold on, and never, never, never sur- 
 render. 
 
 And then it was, in sight of them all, that 
 the besieged once more, in the name of God, 
 resolved that, come what would, they should 
 fight it out to the last, and keep the Crimson 
 Banner unsurrendered, for their own Kino- 
 William and Queen Mary. 
 
 And be not afraid, they said, that food will 
 fail; for, at the worst, there are the Irishry. 
 \A e will eat them, or even each other, rather 
 than do the deed that is with us The Infamy. 
 
 Seeing, then, that a disgrace and a shame 
 only wrought one failure the more, the Irish 
 
270 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 chief or French .Marshal-expectant, at the end 
 of two miserable days, allowed the crowds 
 of Protestants to leave the walls for their 
 homes. 
 
 For their homes 1 Ay, that was the per- 
 mission. But now there were no homes to go 
 to. The considerate kindness of King James's 
 soldiery had taken good care that nothing 
 remained but here a roofless cottage, blackened 
 and burning, and there a pile of stones and 
 rubbish, to show where a Protestant had lived 
 in June. 
 
 There was not even a hope of seeing home to 
 most of them ; for behind them, as they came to 
 Deny, they had seen the red flame shooting up 
 into the air, and had heard the crackling of 
 the timber as it struggled with the fire and 
 fell in the unequal fight. 
 
 All the hope they had was in Deny ; and 
 there they would not stay, because of the 
 heroic resolve that made them elect to die by 
 famine, or fever, or the swords of ruffians, 
 rather than cause their brethren's hearts to 
 faint through increase of burden in the heat 
 of the day. 
 
 And the four thousand poor fugitives with- 
 
TO THE MEMORY OP DE ROSEN. 271 
 
 out were not to have high heroism all to them- 
 selves. 
 
 There were fainting and feeble people in 
 the city ; famine-stricken and weary people ; 
 women who were useless for war, and men 
 who were too old to fight. If they remained, 
 they might live or die ; if they departed, they 
 were as likely to die as live. But in depart- 
 ing, they spared food for men — for the men 
 who were fighting for their faith — for the 
 heroes who were guarding their cause — for 
 those valiant against the armies of the alien. 
 
 So they would go. And one tottered on 
 towards the gate, and looked in love upon the 
 guarded bastions to be left ; and another was 
 half carried through the streets, with eyes 
 turned up in earnest gaze to the gallant flag- 
 that proudly waved above. 
 
 A mother passed, in tears, the home where 
 her baby had died ; and an old man with 
 silver locks took one look more at the place 
 where, after a hard day, they had carried his 
 brave son dead. 
 
 And so, of these poor souls, fivehundiv I 
 went out to join the crowds, some of whom 
 met Death upon their knee.-, as they knelt to 
 
■27:2 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 ask a blessing on the guardians of the Truth of 
 God. 
 
 But Death had no need of stopping here and 
 there to cull a flower, or seize a victim. 
 
 All alono- under the walls, white bodies of the 
 dead lay in the sun. Bade to move home- 
 wards, they answered not, for they had gone 
 home already, and were at rest, where the 
 wicked would trouble them no more. When 
 Moses was hid among the river reeds, his 
 mother feared not her death from Pharaoh ; 
 and Herod, that killed the babes in Bethlehem, 
 at least left to the mothers the sad memory of 
 the dead. 
 
 Here little babe and mother lay side by side, 
 here, and here, and here, and here, in ever so 
 many cheerless places. Mother had looked 
 with hope for baby's coming, now that the 
 Good King was yonder, over the sea. Baby 
 had come, and gone, and mother too ; this one 
 1 »reath on earth, and all the rest in heaven for 
 evermore. 
 
 And so all along. The roads, and the fields, 
 and the ditches were where the dead died ; the 
 weak a mile or two nearer Deny, the strong a 
 mile or two nearer Belfast. 
 
TO THE MEMORY OF DE ROSEN. 273 
 
 Beyond Belfast, one was afterwards found 
 who seemed to have been making for home. 
 Some people, from near Lisburn, were sure 
 they knew the face, but said it was so wasted 
 and so weary. And there was sitting by the 
 dead one, with the head tenderly pillowed on 
 her knee, a strange weird creature, it was re- 
 membered, who never looked up from the dead 
 face, except to wail woefully of some who 
 were for ever lost, as of a sight that she for 
 ever saw. 
 
CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 DELIVERANCE. 
 
 July was passing away, and still Deny 
 was not relieved. Nearly half the garrison had 
 died during the siege. Some five hundred had 
 died, within a day or two. And there was 
 scarcely an hour that some one, weak and 
 fainting, did not retire to rest, never more to 
 rise. 
 
 There was not a whole roof in the place. This 
 much the cannon of James's army had achieved. 
 And, here and there, smouldering ruins, and 
 the remains of what had been houses, proclaimed 
 that the shells thrown into the city had not 
 been altogether without effect ; at least upon 
 the stones, the timber, and the tiles, if not upon 
 the men. 
 
 And now there was in Deny this awful state 
 
DELIVERANCE. 275 
 
 of things, that man and woman's food was a 
 piece of a dead dog or a cat, or even a rat or 
 mouse. What was suffered in those days, when 
 horses' blood was a delicacy, and a bit of salted 
 hide, perhaps garnished with a handful of chick- 
 weed, gathered from the rotten thatch of some 
 roof, was deemed fit to keep the life in those 
 who were fighting the good fight, or wearing 
 away in the weary siege ? 
 
 With all this, those within were not inactive. 
 One day, in a sally, three hundred men of the 
 enemy were killed. Marvellous this is, con- 
 sidering. For, all along the line of attack, the 
 Protestants were falling forward, with their 
 own blows. So weak were they with want 
 and disease, that the raising their right arms to 
 strike, and striking, sent them down on their 
 faces, as if dead. 
 
 But the spirit was still the same. A Charle- 
 ton might, indeed, desert, devil-possessed, to 
 the foe; and utter prostration of physical 
 powers might make some apathetic and without 
 hope. But it was confessed by those who had 
 tried long in vain to enter Deny, that if the 
 walls had been canvas, instead of stone, it 
 never could be done. 
 
 T 2 
 
270 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 So it came to the morning of Sunday, July 
 the 28th. It is four o'clock, and there is 
 light breaking in the east. It comes through 
 shattered windows and tottering door-ways, 
 and looks down into cellars, and on ruined 
 resting-places of the dying and the dead. 
 
 It makes redder the red earth of the Cathe- 
 dral grave-yard, where, under the Crimson 
 Banner, hundreds were sleeping, in that still, 
 unbroken slumber, that lasts through all the 
 ages, till that grand morning that we look for, 
 one day, when, from many a grave, under the 
 sea, and on the shore, form of light will come 
 to life, at the whisper of a Voice, and look up 
 with bright smile, as they joyously say, "I will 
 arise, and go to my Father." 
 
 There is a little cold white child, that has 
 lingered in Deny, even till this morning ; and 
 gone away as the sun was coming. And here 
 are men, who have been wearied with the niffht- 
 watch, laying down their heads, to snatch an 
 hour's sleep, and leaning against a fragment of 
 what was a house. These poor women were 
 proud, once, of their long flowing tresses, and 
 the rosy bloom that tinged their cheeks ; but, 
 now, the tresses have been neglected for long, 
 
DELIVERANCE. 277 
 
 and the eyes are dull and sunken, and not for 
 
 many a day lias there been the faintest colour 
 
 of health on those wan faces. 
 
 The famine was sore in the city. And even 
 
 of such food as was, only enough for two days 
 remained. 
 
 Annie Wharton's last night's food was un- 
 tasted, beside her. She would rather that 
 Jasper had kept it for himself. And, indeed, 
 it might be thought that there was not much 
 in this. All there was, however, was just the 
 difference between death and life. 
 
 Such a miserable, pale, wasted-looking thing 
 as this girl now is. There she is, lying on her 
 bed, in a leaden sort of stupor, wearily slumber- 
 ing. Once there comes a smile over her face, 
 as she dreams of a pleasant garden, with a cool 
 stream running through it, and plenty of green 
 shady trees, covered with rich, ripe fruit. An 
 arm is stretched out to gather one of the apples ; 
 an arm that trembles with weakness, and is 
 only bones and skin. 
 
 The arm trembles a little, among the imagi- 
 nary leaves, and the fingers close over a dream- 
 apple, eagerly. Then the hand falls down 
 heavily on the bed, and the eyes open, and 
 
278 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 there is nothing there but that nauseous morsel 
 that Jasper brought, the night before. 
 
 A step is heard, and she tries to raise herself. 
 She would meet Jasper, if possible, at the door. 
 But it will not do; and she falls back upon 
 the bed. 
 
 There is a knock at the door, responded to 
 with a feeble " Come in ! " and then Jasper 
 enters. He comes with some boiled meal and 
 water, as a rare delicacy, with greatest difficulty 
 procured, to tempt back the lingering life that 
 is almost on the threshold, departing. 
 
 She swallows it, and seems better, a little ; 
 and he holds the thin pale hand, and looks 
 fondly into the sunken eyes. 
 
 " Dear Annie," he says. 
 
 Her lip quivers, and a tear rolls down. 
 
 She whispers, — 
 
 "Do you love me, Jasper \ " 
 
 " Ever and always," w T as the reply. 
 
 And then she closes her eyes, as if content. 
 
 There is none to tend her, since Charlotte 
 left the city, except Jasper. And he must go, 
 now, to his post. For even Annie, that used 
 to be so weak a thing, has often told him, of 
 late, that he must never mind her, when he had 
 
DELIVEEANCE. 279 
 
 work to do, for that she could lie and pray for 
 him, trusting in God. 
 
 And when the people were thronging to the 
 cathedral, that evening, at the Governors 
 special desire, Annie's prayer was blended with 
 the prayers of the poor persecuted, but not 
 forsaken, ones, cast down but not destroyed. 
 
 Never did stranger congregation crowd a 
 cathedral. Men who had fought and won 
 battles came in with halting step, balancing 
 themselves as they passed along, and sinking 
 down wearily into their seats. And mothers 
 and wives came in, many of them in tears, and 
 some with little starving babies, that cried 
 because there was no food. 
 
 The grand old Psalms of David, as they were 
 read, caused many a tear to flow : telling, as 
 they did, of the great wonders done by the 
 Lord ; of Israel's marvellous deliverance ; of 
 the Eed Sea grave of Pharaoh's host ; of trouble, 
 and the un-forgetting God ; of those who cried 
 " Down with it, even to the ground ; " of the 
 daughter of Babylon wasted with misery ; of 
 worship towards God's holy temple ; and of 
 His changeless loving-kindness and truth,. 
 
 Many a heart was strangely thrilled, as 
 
2S0 UXDEK WHICH KING? 
 
 Walker read emphatically these words of the 
 evening Psalm : — 
 
 " Though I walk in the midst of trouble, yet 
 shalt Thou refresh me; Thou shalt streteli 
 forth Thy hand upon the furiousness of mine 
 enemies, and Thy right hand shall save me." 
 
 And then, the evening service over, the 
 brave old cleric-colonel ascended the pulpit. 
 For the time, his sword and crimson sash were 
 laid aside, and he held in his hand the Bible. 
 
 Looking down at those poor wasted faces, 
 and then looking up to God, he assured them 
 that lie felt within him a firm and steadfast 
 faith that they should not be abandoned by the 
 God they served and loved. 
 
 What a strange and wondrous story had 
 theirs been, till that day ! They had been en- 
 compassed by armies, twenty thousand strong, 
 commanded by officers of gallantry and daring. 
 Famine and pestilence had slain many ; and 
 some had perished in battle. But, above them, 
 in that holy house of God, the Crimson Banner 
 was floating still. For they had held out 
 bravely, for the Protestant cause. And yet, it 
 was not they — it was God Almighty. He was 
 fighting for them ; He was guarding them ; 
 
DELIVERANCE. 2S1 
 
 He would give them food ; He would deliver 
 them; their Jerusalem would never be for- 
 gotten, for His mercy endureth for ever ! 
 
 And then, as he came down, and passed 
 among the people wending their way slowly 
 home, many a voice was heard praying for 
 blessings on his head ; and eyes, not of despair 
 but of faith, were turned towards the waters of 
 the Foyle. 
 
 For an hour the people linger on. The sun 
 would soon set. Longing eyes watched every 
 sunset, now ; for many a poor soul felt, every 
 evening, that to-morrow his or her sun miffht 
 go down for ever. 
 
 One catches sight of something on the water. 
 
 "A ship! A ship!" 
 
 And there is straining of many an eye to see 
 it, coming on. 
 
 " Another ! " 
 
 Hearts beat hopefully. 
 
 " And another ! " 
 
 All Deny is full of joy. 
 
 Yes, there are ships ; four of them. On 
 they come, gallantly, towards Oulmore Fort. 
 Cannon, from both sides of the river, play 
 upon the ships, as they hold on their way ; 
 
282 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 amid the intensest anxiety on the part both 
 of besiegers and besieged. 
 
 And see ! there is the Crimson Banner slowly 
 waving to and fro ; as banner in hot battle 
 might be supposed to wave, when held by en- 
 feebled hands, and pressed upon by a relent- 
 less foe. 
 
 The " Dartmouth " frigate answers the signal, 
 and sails on. She passes Culmore Fort 
 gallantly. Then comes the "Mountjoy," the 
 " Phoenix," and the " Jerusalem " cutter. 
 
 But the boom across the river ? How shall 
 it be passed ? How could be broken that bar- 
 rier, with its strong woodwork, fastened securely, 
 and guarded by well-fortified defences of stone ? 
 
 Browning, of the " Mount] oy," stands on 
 deck. His lips are firmly set as he watches 
 the banner waving slowly, and a tear is in his 
 eye as he looks on his native city. He passes 
 the " Dartmouth " quickly, and strikes the 
 boom. It is broken ; the water flows through ; 
 the parted timber floats aside with the current, 
 and the passage is free. 
 
 But stay. The " Mountjoy " quivers with 
 the shock. The narrow channel was just broad 
 enough in its centre to let her pass freely on, 
 
DELIVERANCE. 283 
 
 and she is out of the centre. She is on a bank. 
 She has stranded ; and her sails flap, uselessly, 
 in the breeze. 
 
 Yells and shouts of triumph rise from the 
 exultant foe. Again, and again, and again. 
 They rush to their boats, shouting and cursing ; 
 and think of the death they shall deal to the 
 deliverers. 
 
 That moment was as the bitterness of death 
 in Deny. Each looked in the face of each 
 and saw there features convulsed with spasms 
 of agony, and livid as with that awful discolour- 
 ment that comes in the last minutes of the 
 dying. 
 
 The "Dartmouth" does gallantly now. Her 
 guns pour their shot upon the batteries, and 
 drive back the foe in dismay. Douglass, of 
 the " Phoenix," sees the crisis, and passes the 
 boom. Browning stands, with sword in hand, 
 heading yet his crew, and gives the word to 
 fire a broadside from the leeward guns. Alas ! 
 for the brave ! That moment a bullet strikes 
 him down, and he dies in the hour of glory. 
 
 His gallant ship rights herself now, clears 
 the bank, and gains the channel ; and they 
 come on, and on, and on towards Deny, lighted 
 
2S4 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 by the stars of that Sabbath sammer evening, 
 that are coming serenely out, to look upon a 
 scene as tearfully joyous as ever earth beheld, 
 in all its centuries of years. 
 
 By ten at night, they have reached the town. 
 And bonfires blaze upon the walls of Deny ; 
 and the night air is filled with the music of the 
 chimes of bells ; and high holyday is kept, by 
 the city of the saved ; and, from many a home, 
 praying hearts rise heavenwards, in Hallelujahs 
 to the King of Glory, the Lord of hosts. 
 
CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 NORTH AND SOUTH. 
 
 November, in general not the most cheerful 
 of months, saw quietness and peace in the 
 homes of Ulster. As yet, indeed, King Wil- 
 liam's cause was not everywhere triumphant 
 in Ireland. For Schomberg, the good old 
 duke, had been unable to meet the foe 
 in fight. Since his landing at Groomsport, 
 in the County Down, on the 13th August, 
 things had not gone well with him. Treason 
 had broken out in his camp, at Dundalk 
 among some French who had pretended to 
 be Protestants ; Du Plessis and five others 
 had died for it, and more than two hun- 
 dred were transported. And a deluge of rain 
 had fallen, all through September. The grain 
 in the fields was lying ungathered ; and the 
 corpses of those dying in hundreds were, by 
 
286 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 the living, apathetically committed to the 
 earth. 
 
 Henry Shales, Commissary-General, was the 
 chief of those who were death-worthy in this 
 matter. Food that moved with unnatural 
 life ; tents that came in shreds when handled; 
 muskets so old and useless that they were dan- 
 gerous only to those who used them ; — these 
 were the means provided for the conquest of 
 Ireland by those who robbed the country, and 
 starved or poisoned King William's army. 
 
 A brief and brilliant episode, indeed, had 
 been supplied by the gallant Enniskilleners. 
 While inaction and death were busy in the 
 camp, one thousand of them, under Colonel 
 Lloyd, routed five thousand Papists marching 
 to Sligo ; seven hundred of whom were left 
 dead, and the chiefs of the party taken pri- 
 soners. The cannon of the camp thundered 
 out in honour of the victory, and were 
 answered by the ships of war in the lovely 
 lough of Carlingford. 
 
 It was, however, of very great importance 
 that Schomberg had been able to stay the on- 
 ward march of the enemy. This he had done. 
 The soldiers of James were, it is true, very 
 
NORTH AND SOUTH. 287 
 
 valiant in Dublin and elsewhere, but it was 
 in emptying the coffins of the dead, in defacing 
 the monuments, in having mass said in some 
 of the churches, and in others in hanging up 
 a black sheep in the pulpit, with before it 
 some portion of the Bible. 
 
 Nine out of ten churches in Ireland were 
 seized ; and the congregations, in many of the 
 others, were put in fear and terror of their 
 lives. For the tories and the rapparees found 
 congenial employment in entering them 
 noisily, during divine service ; in cursing at 
 the minister, and in assaulting the women. 
 Thus was exemplified the liberty of con- 
 science that James designed to afford ; and 
 thus was satisfactorily shown the result of 
 Popish ascendency. 
 
 So was revenged the loss of Ulster to James. 
 And many a story of like import came, during 
 the winter, to the head-quarters of Schom- 
 berg's army. 
 
 But, if there was quietness and peace in 
 Ulster during November, what was going on 
 in other places was not unnoticed nor for- 
 gotten. 
 
 Strange rumours had been afloat of things 
 
28S UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 said to have been done by James's Dublin Par- 
 liament, It was not yet known for certain 
 that two thousand four hundred and sixty-one 
 persons, peers, prelates, baronets, knights, 
 clergy, gentry, and yeomany, had been at- 
 tainted, by name, as traitors ; and all power 
 of pardoning denied, even to their Popish 
 king, after the last day of November. A pro- 
 scription, which the Eome of Jupiter and the 
 gods had never equalled in its Avorst days, had 
 been carried out, by a Popish Parliament, and 
 assented to by a Popish king. Something of 
 this was learned, by rumour ; but no Pro- 
 testant was allowed, on any account, to see the 
 Act, till the day of pardon had passed by at 
 least four months. And, lest any Protestant, 
 unnamed, should appear to be omitted, and 
 dream of security for property and life, a clause 
 was added to this Act attainting everyone 
 dwelling in any place in England, Scotland, or 
 Ireland, which did not acknowledge James as 
 king ; and everyone who had written a letter, 
 since the 1st August, 1688, to any person in 
 favour of William. 
 
 Here was letter- writing punished with a 
 vengeance ! Hardly a Protestant in Ireland 
 
NORTH AND SOUTH. 289 
 
 had not a friend across the water ; and not a 
 Protestant who could use a pen but had con- 
 trived, by some means or other, to make 
 known on the other side the desperate condi- 
 tion of the Protestants of Ireland. 
 
 Or, rather, supposed that he had made 
 known their condition. For the letters had 
 been intercepted ; heaps of them were lying in 
 secure and safe places ; and every one of them 
 condemned the writer to loss of property, and 
 loss of life, as a rebel and traitor to James. 
 
 Death, too, was the penalty for purchasing 
 silver and gold with the shillings and half- 
 crowns made of the old chapel-bells and the 
 cannon that were of little use in the siege of 
 Deny. The Protestants were compelled to 
 receive the brass money, in exchange for such 
 goods as they had not yet been robbed of; 
 but to attempt to buy anything with this same 
 money, was an offence punished with im- 
 prisonment, at the very least. 
 
 " Why take away all our corn, when there 
 is no scarcity in the kingdom ? " asked a 
 Protestant, in one of the coffee-houses in 
 Dublin. 
 
 " Because," replied Sir Eobert Parker, " we 
 
290 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 mean to starve the one half of you, and hang 
 the other half." 
 
 The Count of Avaux, French Ambassador in 
 Ireland, with James, dreamt, all this time, of 
 another Saint Bartholomew's Day. Something 
 of the monkey and something of the fiend, 
 this man would have dabbled in Protestant 
 blood, and playfully made grimaces over many 
 a creature turning into a corpse. 
 
 "Kill the Protestants!" he said to James, 
 one day. 
 
 " I cannot be so cruel," replied James. 
 
 " There is nothing cruel in killing Pro- 
 testants," answered Avaux, amazed that such 
 an idea should ever have entered the head of 
 the man who had lost a good deal in his time, 
 and nothing from over-tenderness of heart. 
 
 At Lisburn, where Duke Schomberg had 
 fixed his head-quarters, many a story was 
 told of not the pleasantest import ; and many 
 a brow darkened, and eye flashed fire, at the 
 tidino-s that came to the North, concerning; the 
 poor Protestants of those parts of Ireland which 
 still called James Stuart kino;. 
 
 But in Ulster itself, as has been said, 
 reigned quietness and peace. 
 
NORTH AND SOUTH. 291 
 
 And, not far from Duke Schomberg's head- 
 quarters, there was one little cottage which 
 began to wear something of the appearance it 
 had before the Popish hordes made an irrup- 
 tion into Ulster. 
 
 The old sycamore tree was loatii to part with 
 its mottled leaves, and the sparrows were wont 
 to come down among the straws that were 
 scattered about, after the new roofing had been 
 neatly put on the cottage. 
 
 And somebody stands at the cottage door, 
 watching. She is pale, and somewhat thin, but 
 pleasant and happy looking. This is the second 
 evenino 1 she has been back to it, and things 
 have got a wonderfully settled appearance, 
 since she has been into every corner, putting 
 things to rio-hts. 
 
 But, is she alone \ Does she live there by 
 herself ? Is she not afraid to run the risk of a 
 solitary residence in a place with some unplea- 
 sant memories ? 
 
 Well, till yester had day, shebeen living in 
 Belfast with Mr. Peter Wharton. Mr. Peter 
 Wharton had returned from England, just after 
 the relief of Deny. He had, in fact, come 
 over with the troops, and was a good deal 
 
 u 2 
 
292 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 inclined to talk of the exertions he had made,, 
 after he left the Maiden City, to get the King 
 and the Parliament to do something for the 
 Protestants of Ireland. 
 
 But now f Is she alone, now 1 Does no 
 one live with her, at the cottao-e ? And what 
 has become of Jasper 1 
 
 Here he is, coming along, with a letter in 
 his hand ; and it is for him she has been wait- 
 ing and watching. It is not the first time 
 in her life she waited and watched for 
 Jasper. Sometimes he didn't come. But he 
 is here now. 
 
 "I've a letter from Leighton," he says, 
 " and he thinks there is some hope that King 
 William will come over, himself. He says they 
 had grand doings in London, on the 5th of 
 November, and he went to hear the Bishop 
 of St. Asaph preach before the King and 
 Queen." 
 
 And then, having said his say, and seeing 
 a bright and pleasant face looking into his, and 
 the prettiest little mouth turned up, just ever 
 
 so little, he what did he do ? Why this. 
 
 He kissed his little wife. 
 
 For Annie had been his wife since the 
 
NORTH AND SOUTH. 293 
 
 3rd of September, and Mr. Peter Wharton 
 Lad come home, just in time. Everybody 
 agreed that there was no use waiting 
 any longer. And so, the cottage had been 
 prepared as soon as possible. And two people 
 had come to it, to live there. Happier and 
 more loving people did not live anywhere, in 
 palace or cottage, than those who had passed 
 through sorrow to joy, and stood, at the door 
 of the cottage now, with Jasper's arm round 
 Annie, her head leaning on his shoulder, and, 
 shining high in heaven, the light of the Even- 
 ing Star. 
 
CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 THE DELIVERER. 
 
 Leighton was right. It was announced in 
 London, in the spring, that King William 
 would go to Ireland, and the Protestants of 
 Ireland anxiously longed for his coming. Not 
 a house in Antrim and Down that was in sight 
 of the sea, but had eager watchers scanning 
 every sail that glided along the blue waters of 
 that beautiful bay which lies between Larne 
 and the Copelands, and on whose shores, where 
 the river Lagan runs into the sea, was built the 
 rising town of Belfast. 
 
 All along the banks the trees were greening, 
 and the merry birds were building in the 
 hedges, or among the primroses at the roots of 
 the thorns and whins. It was April, but 
 William had not come. April passed into 
 May, and the rail was calling in the spring 
 
THE DELIVERER. 295 
 
 corn, while the cuckoo was alighting for a brief 
 space on some old grey ash, or letting float 
 away in its flight through the blue air a breath 
 of melody that is sweeter and pleasanter far 
 than many a voice of song. But May followed 
 April, and sunny June came, and still the Pro- 
 testants of Ireland were longing for the day 
 when they should see, sailing the waters, that 
 ship which had the Deliverer on board. 
 
 There was great joy in Down and Antrim 
 on the 1 Oth of June, for it was told everywhere 
 that King William had come. Everywhere 
 the hills were blazing with bonfires, and every- 
 where people said that now they were saved. 
 But the night passed away, and in the morn- 
 ins: it was found that the Kins: was not in 
 Ireland. The next day was Wednesday. 
 Thursday came, and Friday, and as yet King 
 William had not set foot on Irish soil. 
 
 The morning of Saturday passed away. 
 Ships were seen in the lough. It was hoped 
 William was in one of them ; for if he did not 
 land to-day, it was likely he would not land 
 on Sunday. The 4th of November, 1688, fell 
 on Sunday. It was William's birthday, and 
 he had been married to the Princess Mary on 
 
2G0 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 the 4th of November. It was believed that he 
 would ehoose this day for touching the shores 
 of England. But though the wind was favour- 
 ing, sail had been slackened, and the morning- 
 was given up to God. Not till the next day 
 did the Prince of Orange begin, at Torbay, the 
 glorious onward progress which made the 5th 
 of November a day that could never be for- 
 gotten, without danger to the realm of England 
 and direst ingratitude to God. 
 
 And now the evening was coming. Loud 
 shouts all along the Antrim shore told that 
 William had landed at last. The cannon of 
 Camckfergus Castle thundered out a welcome 
 as he stepped on shore there amid the acclaim 
 of the people, scarcely less loud than the wel- 
 coming cannonade. William was on horseback 
 at once, and off to inspect his army. There 
 was, half way between Carrickfergus and Bel- 
 fast, a solitary white house. The Dutch horse 
 were here, and here had landed Solmes's Dutch 
 Blues, some of the finest infantry in Europe. 
 William's heart warmed at the sight of these 
 troops. He knew he could depend upon them 
 to the last, and upon the brave old man who 
 met him at the white house, and now resigned 
 
THE DELIVERER. 297 
 
 into the hands of his king the chief command 
 of the Protestant army. 
 
 But even here William did not linger long. 
 Belfast was to be reached, and he was anxious 
 to be at his journey's end. He entered Belfast 
 in some state. The magistrates had been long 
 ready to meet him ; there was no delay when 
 he came ; and as his carriage passed along, 
 crowds of Protestants thronged the way and 
 pressed forward to touch his hand, or even see 
 with their eyes him of whom they shouted till 
 the echo of the shout died away, to be again 
 and again renewed, " God save the Protestant 
 King ! " 
 
 For at last the Deliverer had come. There 
 was to be an end now of the double tyranny 
 Life was to be given back to some claimed by 
 the foe, and that life was to be henceforth free. 
 Therefore it was that the stars grew pale with 
 the fires that were lighted all along the hills of 
 Antrim and Down. For peals of guns had 
 told the story, and as the cannons ceased to 
 thunder out the glad intelligence, hill after hill 
 was crowned with a coronal of flame, and the 
 night was made bright by the bonfires ; and 
 Ulster was as Goshen, where the people had 
 
I ; UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 light in their dwellings, while a darkness that 
 niigL: felt brooded over the rest of tho 
 
 land 
 
 William rested on the Sabbath day. As 
 was his wont, part of it was devoted to the 
 
 . -Lip of that God in whose superintending 
 Providence he firnily believed, and all his life 
 
 : I in the belief that God had chosen him 
 .. LTeat purpose, and would bless him in 
 his :: ::s to uphold the Protestant religion. 
 William was heroic and victorious ; the first 
 because of his faith, and the last, he believed, 
 because he was had in the holy keeping of the 
 Lord. 
 
 The King s\ :nt the day in Lord Donegal's 
 
 noble mansion. Walking among the groves 
 
 ash in the gar<~ n£ his brow was marked by 
 
 furrows of thought. Here he paced up and 
 
 1 while, with head bent somewhat 
 
 raid, and sometimes si ..._ for a moment, 
 
 as if to breathe freely the pure fresh air from 
 
 .. sea. 
 
 His officers stood in reverent attitude as he 
 
 . 1 along, and when he entered the house, 
 
 Duke Sehomberg was there, with George Walker, 
 
 the gallant hero of Deny. Walker, being in- 
 
THE DELIVERER. 299 
 
 troduccd by Schomberg, presented an add] 
 from the clergy of the Church of England, and 
 among those Presbyterian clergymen who were 
 assembled to do like honour to the king was 
 the Reverend Mr. Peter Wharton. 
 
 As Walker retired, he met Harrington. 
 
 " Well, Captain Harrington," he said, " God 
 has been pleased to hear our prayers, and send 
 us, in our great need, a brave deliverer. ' 
 
 " Such was always your belief," replied Har- 
 rington, as they walked together. 
 
 " Always. Where are you now '. " 
 
 " Living near Lisburn, till the King needs 
 my sword again." 
 
 " Our Londonderry regiments will join him 
 on the march ; we must not be behind the 
 gallant Enniskilleners," said Walker. 
 
 Jasper went home after this to tell Annie all 
 about the King. For Annie was so very en- 
 thusiastic, that nothing but her present unfit- 
 ness for journeying prevented her going in 
 with Jasper to see his Majesty. As it was, she 
 had a great longing to set her eyes on him, 
 and Jasper was sorely puzzled what to do 
 under the circumstances. On the morning of 
 the 19 th, he was at his wits' end, for she was 
 
300 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 out of one crying fit into another, because she 
 was not to see King William before he went 
 on with, the army. Very foolish little woman 
 she was, if she could have helped it ; but what 
 if there are times when people cannot help 
 crying and wishing for many impossible 
 things \ 
 
 Add to all this pleasant state of things, that 
 Jasper was about to leave her and join the 
 army, and the conclusion is come to, pretty 
 certainly, that things were in a very uncom- 
 fortable state just then at the cottage, and that 
 a very fair share of trouble had fallen to the 
 lot of the young married couple. 
 
 "Annie, dear, try and quiet yourself," said 
 Jasper, in great distress, as he sat with his 
 wife upon his knee, her face hid on his 
 shoulder. 
 
 "I c-c-c-an't h-h-h-hclp i-it, J-J-Jasper," 
 sobbed Annie. 
 
 Making such a sobbing of it, in fact, that 
 neither of them heard the sound of a horse's 
 hoofs coming up to the door, till the window 
 was darkened, and the door knocked at pretty 
 smartly. 
 
 Annie slid down off Jasper's knee, and 
 
THE DELIYEEEE. 301 
 
 blushed up to the roots of her hair, while 
 Jasper went to the door. 
 
 "A bonfire, I see, has been burning here, 
 and so I knew I might seek a drink within," 
 said a voice. 
 
 "It is the King," said Jasper, entering, and 
 then he returned with a bowl of milk, which 
 was the best thing to be had. 
 
 " Oh ! Jasper," whispered Annie, " if he 
 would let me kiss his hand ! " 
 
 Jasper hesitated, as was natural. His posi- 
 tion was not at all improved by a second 
 whisper, loud enough to reach King William, — 
 "Ask him if I may, Jasper ? " 
 "Will your Majesty pardon my request," 
 stammered Jasper, "which is indeed a bold 
 one ; but my wife has taken a longing to kiss 
 your hand, and she seeks permission to do 
 so?" 
 
 Annie came forward, blushing, as King 
 William extended his hand ; and knelt down, 
 sobbing out blessings on the King, and prayers 
 that God would preserve him. 
 
 "Do not kneel," said the King, "it may 
 hurt you." And then he added, with a smile, 
 as he rode away, — 
 
302 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 " God bless you and the little one." 
 
 There was no more crying at the cottage, 
 that day. In the evening, came Mr. Peter 
 Wharton to sojourn there, during Jasper's 
 absence ; bringing with him one to stay with 
 Annie, and do such needful things as might 
 fall in course to be done. Mr. Peter Wharton 
 was full of praises of the good King, who had 
 that morning, before leaving Belfast, ordered 
 money to be paid yearly, from the Customs, to 
 those faithful Presbyterian ministers of Ulster 
 who had been zealous and able supporters of 
 the Protestant cause. It is needless to say 
 that Mr. Peter found an audience, and 
 applause. 
 
 Next morning, Jasper Harrington rode away, 
 to join the King at Hillsborough. And here 
 again was reacted the old timid counsel 
 system. "William was earnestly implored to 
 be cautious. If there was much to gain, 
 there was a great deal to lose. Would his 
 Majesty not wait, and linger a little 
 longer ? 
 
 There had been enough delay, God knows ; 
 and King William thought so. For he said, 
 somewhat angrily, in reply, — 
 
THE DELIVERER. 303 
 
 " I did not come over to Ireland to let the 
 grass grow under my feet ! " 
 
 On Tuesday, the 24th, he was at Lough- 
 brickland. His army was here to rendezvous. 
 The men of Londonderry and Enniskillen were 
 in high spirits, for now they were under the 
 lead of their own Kino; William. And Wil- 
 liam was a leader that all were proud of. He 
 went everywhere, and examined everything. 
 Yesterday, he had ridden away three miles 
 beyond Newry, that he might reconnoitre the 
 ground, and get tidings of the enemy. As the 
 army of William advanced, passing Newry 
 Dundalk, and Ardee, the army of James re- 
 treated. The 29th of June fell on Sunday. 
 In the camp of William, the worship of God 
 was not forgotten. One text of the day was 
 this : — 
 
 " The voice of rejoicing and salvation is in 
 the tabernacles of the righteous: the right 
 hand of the Lord doeth valiantly." 
 
 On the next day, at two in the morning, 
 the army marched on ; yonder, on Donore, is 
 the position of James ; and yonder are the 
 hated flags of the Bourbon and the Stuart. 
 
 Strange was the joy in the army of the 
 
301 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Protestant King. Every heart beat high 
 with hope ; and men were as merry as if the 
 morrow was to be their marriage day. Even 
 William, as -he looked upon the ranks where 
 were Lauzun and. Sarsfield, and Tyrconnel, and 
 Hamilton, could not repress the exclamation, — ■ 
 
 " I am glad to see you, gentlemen ; if you 
 escape me now, the fault will be mine." 
 
 Along the banks of the Boyne, King Wil- 
 liam rides. Sometimes he is not more than a 
 couple of hundred feet from the foe. Brave 
 men are with him as he rides along. Schom- 
 bero: besought him not to risk his life. 
 But William felt that his work was not yet 
 done ; and that till then death had no missive 
 for him. 
 
 And now Oldbridge, with its few mud huts, 
 is opposite. William dismounts, and sits down 
 on the green grass. He had seen the foe, and 
 would breakfast now. 
 
 Ha ! the foe have seen him. For there w>cs 
 a ball, whizzing along. William, in a mo- 
 ment, is on horseback. The ball has struck 
 the horse of the Prince of Hesse. 
 
 "The poor Prince is killed ! " said William. 
 
 Another shot ! The Kins: sinks down on 
 
THE DELIVERER. 305 
 
 his horse's neck. A loud yell of delight rises, 
 from the opposite bank. Count Solmes flings 
 himself down on the ground, and bursts into 
 tears. All through the Protestant army, men's 
 hearts are very sad. 
 
 And, now, William shows his princely 
 soul. 
 
 "There is no harm done," he says; "but 
 the bullet came quite near enough." 
 
 As soon as the wound is dressed, he mounts 
 his horse, and, amid thundering shouts of joy, 
 rides round his army. For that army, there is 
 rest to-day ; at night, by the light of the 
 torch, every soldier sees the King again ; and 
 to-morrow . 
 
 Death, or glory ! 
 
 Bright and cloudless rises the sun, on the 
 first morning of July. Both armies are in 
 motion with the dawn. By ten o'clock, near 
 Drogheda, William in person heads the left 
 wing of his army ; the centre is commanded 
 by Duke Schomberg ; and the right wing by 
 the Count, his son. 
 
 Down to the river, with drums beating, 
 march the Blues, under Solmes. Then come 
 Mitchelburne and the defenders of Deny, and 
 
306 UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 Wolsley and the men of Enniskillen. Caille- 
 mot and the Huguenots are there; and yonder 
 go the English foot, and, on their left, the 
 Danes are crossing. 
 
 Down to the Boyne water they go, with 
 flying colours, and beating drums ; and the 
 music that cheers them is that famous " Lilli- 
 bullero " that was whistled and sung by many 
 a Protestant when orange flags and orange 
 ribbons made gay the precincts of Whitehall. 
 
 And now, as they reach the centre of the 
 river, the foe starts up, with wild shouts of 
 defiance. Such shouts the Deny men had 
 heard, when these hordes and their general 
 surrounded the walls. That Hamilton now 
 heads the cavalry ; attacks Solmes's Blues ; 
 drives back the Danes ; and falls on the Hu- 
 guenots furiously. The gallant Caillemot falls 
 and dies, crying, " On, on, my lads, to glory!" 
 Schomberg sees that the crisis has come. Not 
 a moment he delays ; he passes the river ; 
 rallies the refugees ; points to their persecutors ; 
 is surrounded ; wounded by the Irish horse ; 
 rises ; is shot by a random ball, fired by one 
 of his men, and falls to rise no more. 
 
 And the brave old Walker dies beside him; 
 
THE DELIVEKEE. 307 
 
 three clays a bishop ; and then a king for 
 ever. But the Deny men dash on the foe. 
 And the foe fling down their arms, and fly. 
 Amid the dust and din, mingle the loud 
 derisive groans, and shouts of laughter, with 
 which, even in the thickest of the fight, the 
 heroes of Derry, as victors of the Boyne, 
 pursue the vanquished flying. 
 
 William was, for a moment, in danger. His 
 horse stuck in the slime of the bank. He 
 dismounted, to get him out. Harrington 
 sprang forward to aid the King, and received 
 his smiling thanks. Then the Protestant hero 
 is everywhere. Now he draws his sword ; 
 leads on his men ; and heads them as they 
 follow the foe to Donore. Now he turns to 
 the Enniskilleners, eagerly, with, — 
 
 "What will you do for me? " 
 
 " It is his Majesty ! " said their Colonel. 
 
 And, with shouts of joy, and assurance of vic- 
 tory, the Enniskilleners follow William, riding 
 on, with orange sash, and delighting the hearts 
 of the victors of Newtownbutler, as he says, — 
 
 " Gentlemen, you shall be my guards to- 
 day. I have heard much of you. Let me 
 see something of you." 
 
30S UNDER WHICH KING? 
 
 And now the foe are flying. James has 
 lost the battle. Tyrconnel is in dismay. 
 Richard Hamilton is taken. And, among the 
 fifteen hundred of the Popish army slain, Jasper 
 finds the dead body of Shane O'Neil. 
 
 The day is one of rejoicing to many a Pro- 
 testant. Dark and dreary was the past. Now 
 there is light and gladness. Victory has come ; 
 the truth has triumphed ; and in this all 
 plainly see " the right hand of the Lord." 
 
 At Williamfield, as the first of July re- 
 turns, Jasper Harrington will take on his 
 knee the baby born to-day, and will not forget 
 to tell him the Avondrous tale of Deny, and 
 how the good King William prayed for a bless- 
 ing on mother and little one, as he passed on 
 his way to the fight that was fought, on the 
 First of July, at the Boyxe. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 BRADBURY, AGNEW, <fe CO., HUNTERS, WIUTEFEIARS. 
 
BARON GRIMBOSH 
 
 DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY 
 
 SOMETIME GOVERNOR OF BARATARIA. 
 
 Q iJU-corb of iris (ftvprame, 
 
 WRITTEN BY HIMSELF IN EXILE, AND PUBLISHED 
 BY AUTHORITY. 
 
 N'en deplaise a ces foux nommes sages de Grece, 
 
 En ce monde il n'est point de parfaite sagesse. Boilkau. 
 
 Great wit is sure to madness near allied, 
 
 As thin partitions do their bounds divide. Dkyden. 
 
 LONDON: 
 TINSLEY BROTHERS, 18 CATHERINE ST. STRAND. 
 
 1872. 
 
 [All rights reserved.] 
 
NAPOLEON THE THIKD, 
 
 WHO LOST A THRONE 
 BY BEING WISER THAN HIS PEOPLE, 
 
 HERMAN GRIMBOSH, DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY, 
 
 WHO LOST MINE 
 
 BY BELIEVING THAT I COULD REFORM A NATION 
 
 THAT WOULD NOT REFORM ITSELF, 
 
 FROM MY CABBAGE-GARDEN AND MY LIBRARY, 
 
 WITH THE SINCERE HOPE 
 
 THAT HE TAKES BIS FALL AS EASILY AS I TAKE MINE. 
 
BARON GRIMBOSH, 
 
 DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 1 AM APPOINTED TO THE GOVERNMENT OF BARATARIA. 
 
 As nothing happens that is not fore- ordained, a 
 truly wise man ought never to be surprised at 
 anything. Whether I am wise or not, I can con- 
 scientiously say that I was not surprised when, 
 on the nomination of my illustrious master and 
 sovereign, the Grand Llama of Pumpernickel, and 
 the confirmation of the people most interested, I, 
 Herman Grimbosh, Doctor of Philosophy, was 
 appointed to the government of the great and 
 populous island of Barataria. I was not exalted 
 in my own estimation, neither was I cast down. 
 , I had not passed through life unobservantly, and 
 I fancied that I knew a thing or two, and had 
 
2 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 learned to know them by hard knocks and buffets, 
 and the pricks and goads of a thorny experience. 
 I was strong in body, clear in mind — at least, I 
 thought so — and had arrived at, or near about, 
 the midway station between the cradle and the 
 grave. God helping me, I resolved to do my duty 
 in my new position, to be just and to fear not, 
 and to avoid if I could the more notorious errors 
 committed by the previous Governors of Earata- 
 ria, and by the kings and emperors of whom I had 
 read in ancient and modern history. Errors of 
 the head I might be guilty of, but not errors 
 of the heart. I would not oppress my people. I 
 would govern them for their own good, with their 
 consent if possible, but without their consent 
 should their ignorance or their prejudice thwart 
 my philanthropic intentions, just as I governed 
 my little Grimboshes — I had seven of them — 
 the children of my home and my heart. I knew 
 then, as I know now, that I should have many 
 difficulties to contend with ; life is nothing but a 
 continuous fight against difficulties, in which you 
 no sooner slay one pestiferous giant that strives 
 to block your path than another springs out of the 
 ground, to be discomfited in his turn. .But I 
 
IS APPOINTED GOVERNOR. 6 
 
 was not afraid, and was above all things a lover 
 of justice, of peace, and of my fellow-creatures. I 
 thought, with the ancient sovereign of a neigh- 
 bouring kingdom, that every peasant ought to 
 have la poule au pot every day of his life, if he 
 preferred poultry to mutton. I did not believe 
 that the lion would lie down with the lamb in my 
 time ; but I did believe that swords might be 
 turned into ploughshares, and that men — more 
 especially Baratarians — might be taught to love 
 peace and avoid war, and grow rich and happy 
 by attending to their own business, and leaving 
 that of other nations alone. War, in my opinion, 
 always produced more scoundrels than it killed. 
 'Herman, dear Herman,' I said to myself, { be 
 true to thine own soul. Fortune comes to every 
 man's door once in his lifetime; and the jade has 
 knocked at thine. Bid her come in, and be civil 
 to her. Be wary with her, and make the most of 
 her. Above all things, Herman my friend, be 
 a just ruler. Eradicate vice, poverty, and misery 
 from the realm of Barataria. Show the other be- 
 nighted nations of the earth what a paradise the 
 whole world might be if the great principles of 
 Plato, Sir Thomas More, Saint-Simon, Eobert 
 
4 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 Owen, Prud'homrne, and other statesmen and phi- 
 losophers, were universally adopted ; above all, 
 if Christianity were practised as well as preached. 
 ISTo more wars ; no more robbery ; no more mur- 
 der (unless for love or rage, which thou, Her- 
 man Grimbosh, art too wise and too power- 
 less to abolish out of the world, even if thou 
 hadst the intention, which thou hast not — for love 
 and rage are good things, the first especially and 
 universally, the latter on proper occasions); no 
 more opj>ression of the weak by the strong ; no 
 more cheating and swindling ; no more besotted 
 ignorance ; no more superstition ; nothing but love, 
 light, purity, peace, and the greatest happiness 
 of everybody.' 
 
 My wife, the Lady Juanita (she was of 
 Spanish lineage. I married her for pure love 
 and affection, for she had not a penny in the 
 world, nor the prospect of getting one unless by 
 honest labour — or marriage), is not, I am happy 
 to say, a woman who pretends to be emi- 
 nently intellectual or strong-minded. But she is 
 something better than clever. She is good ; she 
 is beautiful : all good people are ; has a strong 
 fund of common sense, on which, as on a bank 
 
IS APPOINTED GOVERNOR. 5 
 
 that cannot break, she can draw for unlimited 
 amounts of practical and serviceable wisdom. She 
 can sew on buttons; make and mend her own 
 clothes— and mine too, including my nether gar- 
 ments; understands children's ailments, and can 
 manage them without help from the doctor; can 
 cook comme mi ange, as the French would say; 
 make an irreproachable curry as well as an unsur- 
 passable omelette soufflee or aux fines herbes ; can 
 boil an egg or a potato to perfection, which not 
 one cook in a dozen can do; can make a little 
 meat, or a little money, go a great way; can talk 
 naturally on almost all occasions; never nags or 
 delivers curtain lectures; is a nurse in sickness 
 whose care and attention are worth the skill of a 
 score of doctors; and can sing a tender or a humor- 
 ous song with a sweet voice, without making any 
 fuss about it. She is a friend in counsel, who never 
 advises wrongly; and who thinks, moreover, as 
 all true women should do, that love is not worth 
 much, or destined to last very long, if there be 
 not true friendship and esteem at the bottom of 
 it. When I told her of my appointment to the go- 
 vernorship, she sighed, 'All's well that ends well ;' 
 and her face assumed an expression of sadness. ' 
 
6 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 ' What ! art thou sorry, lass ?' said I. She 
 was always a lass to me, and a dear one, as when 
 I first courted her, when she was milking the 
 cows in her father's farmyard. 
 
 1 Yes,' she said, ' I am sorry. And the truth 
 is, Herman, I don't think that you are fit to be 
 a Governor. You are too hopeful of human na- 
 ture ; and you never make allowance for the ob- 
 stinacy of good people and the folly and madness 
 of the bad.' 
 
 1 Bah !' said I. ' The people are bad, because 
 they have been governed by bad laws.' 
 
 1 You may cry bah !' replied she, ' as often 
 as you like. But I would ask you, Are all our 
 children equally good ? Is not our eldest boy a 
 little devil in his temper sometimes? And does 
 not Pedronilla tell fibs, or, rather, I should say 
 lies, without necessity ? And does not Hans 
 break his brother's playthings without provoca- 
 tion, and rob him of his apples and his ginger- 
 bread ?' 
 
 I was rather taken aback by what my wife 
 said ; for there is such a thing as an innate ten- 
 dency to evil. But men were not children, I 
 thought ; and even with children the innate evil 
 
IS APPOINTED GOVERNOR. 7 
 
 might be subdued, if grappled with in time, and 
 if justice — which they see and know to be justice 
 — is done, either for or against them. I myself 
 always find justice to be a better ruler than un- 
 just and unthinking love, and equally unjust and ' 
 unthinking severity. 
 
 Juanita went to bed that night with her own 
 opinion, and I went to bed with mine. 
 
 I knew something about Barataria before I 
 went there, and determined to know more about it 
 before I had sat for a month in its gubernatorial 
 chair. I knew the Baratarians to be a very self- 
 sufficient and troublesome sort of people ; very 
 sturdy in their prejudices, very independent in 
 their opinions, very proud of Barataria, very fond 
 of rank and money — especially of money— and 
 very cantankerous in their political and religious 
 faith. I knew also that it had been happily said 
 of them that they had fifty religions among them, 
 and only one sauce, and that they were very much 
 addicted to the vice of sham philanthropy; a phi- 
 lanthropy that was not universal, or based upon 
 broad and sound principles, but confined to wash- 
 hand basins when it should have been as wide as 
 the ocean. I knew them to be a brave people, 
 
8 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 but crotchet)*, and very tender in the pocket. 
 I knew also that if there were a great deal of 
 wealth in Barataria, there was an unconscionable 
 deal of pauperism and misery ; and that if there 
 were much real religion, there was more of hy- 
 pocrisy ; and that although they never blazoned 
 their vices, or even talked about them, they were 
 guilty of a very great deal of vice and immorality 
 on the sly, and, like the Spartans of old, thought 
 it much more heinous to be discovered in a pec- 
 cadillo than to commit it. Still they were a 
 highly civilised, intelligent, brave, industrious, 
 good-hearted people ; and only wanted an en- 
 lightened, firm, paternal, philosophical govern- 
 ment, such as it should be my business, my duty, 
 my pleasure, and my reward to give them, to in- 
 augurate for themselves and for all humanity a 
 new and brighter era of human happiness than 
 had ever yet dawned upon the world. 
 
 I had happy dreams that night, though 
 troubled by fits of restlessness and waking. But 
 though thus interrupted, I always fell asleep 
 again speedily, and resumed my dreams at the 
 point at which they had been interrupted; a 
 thing that has often occurred to me, and for 
 
IS APPOINTED GOVERNOR. 9 
 
 which I am wholly unable to account. I dreamt 
 that I had been dead five hundred years, and 
 that I was reading (whether in heaven, or some 
 other place, I neither knew nor inquired, every- 
 thing seemed so natural, and as it ought to be) 
 the history of my own life, in the pages of an 
 historian whose book had just been published. 
 He recounted pretty fairly, with blunders that 
 will occur in all histories, and with misconcep- 
 tions that appear to be inevitable whenever one 
 man talks of the acts and the motives of others, 
 the events of my governorship. He spoke of 
 me as one of the greatest reformers who had ever 
 lived, who had for the first time introduced true, 
 just, benevolent, and universal principles into 
 the art of government, as one who had abolished 
 poverty and war, and who was called not only 
 by posterity, but by his contemporaries, l Herman 
 the Good.' He stated that I had refused the 
 imperial crown offered to me by my grateful Ba- 
 ratarians; that embassies of peace and goodwill 
 visited my dominions from the remotest ends of 
 the earth ; and that statues were erected in my 
 honour in every city, and stood on every high- 
 way of the realm. These statues were put up 
 
10 BAEON GPJMBOSH. 
 
 not so much to glorify me, as to excite the emu- 
 lation of living men to imitate my great example. 
 I did not seem to know, when reading this just 
 estimate of my character and summary of my 
 achievements, that I myself was the Herman so 
 celebrated, neither did I know that I was any- 
 body else ; but I thought I was dreaming, with- 
 out knowing who the 'I' was that enjoyed the 
 privilege of being thus spoken of. 
 
 I was thoroughly convinced, however, that 
 the historian was a very sensible man, and that 
 Tacitus and Livy were not to be compared to him 
 for eloquence, sound judgment, and essential 
 truth. In the morning I was somewhat ashamed 
 of my dream, and did not care to inform Juanita 
 about it, lest, with her usual love of cooling my 
 enthusiasm, and pulling down my pride a peg or 
 two, as she was in the habit of saying, she should 
 have remarked, that dreams were only the reflex 
 of people's waking thoughts, and that I was very 
 easily satisfied with praise of myself, even if 
 mine own self were the praiser. So as the old 
 saws have it, I resolved to let well alone, to arouse 
 no sleeping lion, and to save my ears by holding 
 my tongue. Nevertheless I did not despise my 
 
IS APPOINTED GOVERNOR. 11 
 
 dream, but looked upon it as of good omen, an 
 augury for the future ; and resolved, Heaven 
 helping me, to act up to it, as far as my strength 
 and opportunities allowed, with a firm confidence 
 that a good intention is as good as a cordial to 
 the conscience ; and that a man with good inten- 
 tions can never do any mischief. I was a fool at 
 the time for holding such a belief, but I did not 
 know it. But who is not a fool sometimes? 
 Happy is he, and much to be commended, who is 
 not a fool always. 
 
CHAPTER II. 
 
 I PREPARE TO TAKE POSSESSION, AND CONFER A DIGNITY. 
 
 My opinion is, and always was, that nations 
 are made to be governed ; and that they cannot 
 govern themselves without such an amount of 
 squabbling, fighting, cracking of skulls, confisca- 
 tion of property, imprisonment, decapitation, and 
 all sorts of unpleasantnesses, as make of civilised, 
 as well as uncivilised, countries a very hell upon 
 earth. 'Order is heaven's first law,' as a great 
 Baratarian poet has sung ; and I resolved that 
 Barataria should possess order, and good order; 
 and as much liberty as would strengthen order, 
 and confirm it, but no more. Some people like 
 liberty for themselves to do as they please, but 
 do not like liberty for their neighbours. Out of 
 such liberty comes civil war; and I resolved that 
 there should be none of it in the realm which 
 his Sublime Highness the Grand Llama of Pum- 
 pernickel had intrusted to my direction. 
 
PREPARES TO TAKE POSSESSION. 13 
 
 These thoughts passed through my mind on 
 shipboard, as I was borne, as fast as steam and 
 wind could carry me, to the shores of Barataria, 
 and its capital city; which, as all the world knows, 
 is called Muddletown; a populous place, of which 
 I shall have more to say hereafter. 
 
 Barataria is a country in which, as I have al- 
 ready remarked, rank and money are held in very 
 great esteem. In some countries money is the 
 only object of real veneration; but the Baratarians, 
 though they love money very much, love rank al- 
 most as well, and thus yield a divided allegiance. 
 If a man possess rank and no money, he is not 
 very highly thought of; but if he possess both rank 
 and money, he is a sort of demi-god in the people's 
 estimation; and may be as wicked as he likes, 
 provided he keep within the bounds of decency 
 and privacy, without forfeiting much, if any, of 
 the popular regard. Bank, I should have — my 
 official rank, if no other ; and as for money, the 
 Baratarians had provided for me liberally enough; 
 and I resolved before going among them that I 
 would avoid debt, and live within the circle of 
 my salary — a good way within it — and save what 
 I could for that possibly rainy day when, if the 
 
14 BARON GBIMBOSH. 
 
 Baratarians were either unwise or ungrateful, they 
 might wish to get rid of me. As for rank and 
 title, my official rank as Governor was, as I haye 
 said, enough for me ; and as I could make dukes, 
 marquises, earls, baronets, knights, &c. by a 
 scratch of my pen, I would not scratch myself 
 into any dignity of the kind ; inasmuch as I al- 
 ways considered the maker greater than the thing 
 made. But what I would not do for myself, I 
 determined to do for my beloved Juanita, the 
 partner of my life, the faithful confidant of my 
 hopes and fears. I had objections to hereditary 
 peerages. I did not believe in transmitted wis- 
 dom, or the policy of allowing a man to be a law- 
 giver merely because his father was a lawgiver 
 before him; but I had no objection to an aris- 
 tocracy of rank, without legal privilege attached 
 to it, aud merely personal to the wearer. In 
 fact, I knew that there must be an aristocracy of 
 some kind or other in every country ; for, if 
 there were no other, there would certainly arise 
 an aristocracy of mere dollars and ducats, in which 
 the wealthy cheesemonger, usurer, or tailor would 
 be more honoured and considered than the poor 
 statesman, or poorer poet, or the paragon of eru- 
 
PEEPAEES TO TAKE POSSESSION. 15 
 
 dition, who coulcl only afford to live in a cottage 
 or a garret. I was curious to know what my 
 dear Juanita would say when I announced to her, 
 as we sat together quietly by ourselves on the 
 deck of the steamer, that it was my intention to 
 make her a duchess. I anticipated a little, if 
 only a very little, coy reluctance, if not that pecu- 
 liar form of the word 'no,' which every one, not a 
 born fool, understands to mean 'yes,' when spoken 
 by a woman. But she made no objection; tout 
 au contraire. 
 
 1 Well, Herman,' she said gravely, ' as I am 
 to be the first lady in the land, I think it quite 
 right that I should have as grand a title as any 
 of them. You cannot make a royal highness of 
 me, you know, so I shall content myself if you 
 make me a duchess and with being called " your 
 grace." I intend, in fact, to be gracious in all 
 my dealings and intercourse with everybody. 
 So "your grace" let me be, if you will have it 
 
 so.' 
 
 Nobody was looking. Neither captain, mate, 
 
 nor sailor was in sight, and the man at the wheel 
 
 was too busy with his work to have eyes or ears 
 
 for us; so (I do not mind recording the fact) I 
 
1 G BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 gave Juanita a good honest hearty kiss ; and she 
 evidently liked it. 
 
 The first point being settled, the next was 
 the choice of title. This I had carefully con- 
 sidered and turned over in my mind. There was 
 already a Duchess of Barataria, so that would not 
 do, or I should certainly have selected this title 
 as the most appropriate for my dear wife. She, 
 good soul, had never thought of the matter and 
 had no suggestion to make. I thought that in 
 the course of her reading — she is very fond of 
 poetry — she might have seen some high-sound- 
 ing, romantic, mellifluous title that would suit 
 her fine ear and cultivated taste. But she re- 
 membered nothing of the sort, and could suggest 
 nothing. ' You must,' I said, ' choose some name 
 that will fill the mouth well, that will come out 
 ore rotundo, as we used to say in the Latin class ; 
 and that will impose on the vulgar by its mag- 
 nificence of sound. The Baratarians I know to 
 be easily flattered, deluded, and taken in with 
 sound. Did not one old lady of that country 
 declare that Mesopotamia was a blessed and a 
 heavenly word, merely for the sound thereof?' 
 Thus I put the case to Juanita. 
 
PREPARES TO TAKE POSSESSION. 17 
 
 ' Don't let it bo a difficult word to pronounce,' 
 said she. 
 
 ' No word is difficult when you are used to 
 it,' replied I. 
 
 ' But why should not our name and title be 
 identical? Your name, which I bear, is quite 
 good enough for anybody.' 
 
 Was there ever such a treasure of a wife as 
 this? Had the captain not happened to pass along, 
 I should have kissed her again; lam sure I should. 
 
 'I understand,' I said in a whisper; 'you 
 would be the Duchess cle Grimbosh ?' 
 
 When a man has a sensible woman for his 
 wife, he ought to bo grateful to Heaven for the 
 possession of so rare a blessing ; but when the 
 woman is lovely as well as sensible, he ought to 
 consider himself the happiest man in the world— 
 if, in addition to such a treasure, ho possesses 
 health and strength and a moderate income. All 
 these gifts were mine; and the minor gifts of 
 health, strength, and fortune were all enhanced 
 and sublimated, as it were, by the greater. I 
 pressed Juanita's hand. 'You shall be the 
 Duchess de Grimbosh; and if the title graces 
 you, I am sure you will grace the title.' 
 
 c 
 
18 baeo:n t grimbosh. 
 
 ' Her Grace' retired shortly afterwards to the 
 cabin, drawn thither by some sharp and sudden 
 cries and squalls j)roceeding from the throats of 
 the young lords and ladies — our children. As 
 soon as she left me, I fell to musing on the sub- 
 ject of titles in general, and their utility in the 
 art of government. I had an idea — which was 
 not new to me, inasmuch as it had been broached 
 in print, some years previously, in a certain 
 periodical paper published in Pumpernickel — 
 that if titles were of use to reward the virtuous 
 and encourage a noble emulation, they might be 
 made of use to punish the evil-minded. Titles of 
 honour for the good, titles of dishonour for the 
 bad ; such was the notion, and the more I thought 
 about it, the more it recommended itself to my 
 judgment. If a king likes to be called ' Your 
 Majesty,' a prince 'Your Highness,' a duke 
 'Your Grace,' a baron 'Your Lordship,' an am- 
 bassador 'Your Excellency,' and a magistrate 
 'Your Worship,' might not a fraudulent bank- 
 rupt dislike to be called ' YourEoguery,' a miser 
 or a petty cheat 'Your Meanness,' a convicted 
 slanderer ' Your Villany,' and a systematic adul- 
 terator of the people's food 'Your Egregious 
 
PREPARES TO TAKE POSSESSION. 19 
 
 Rascality' ? I made a resolution to propound 
 this little idea of mine to the great men of 
 Barataria, and hear their opinion upon it, as soon 
 after I should have been fairly seated upon my 
 gubernatorial chair as circumstances allowed, 
 Meanwhile, I made a memorandum of it in my 
 diary, that I might not forget it in the multipli- 
 city of the business that I was sure would crowd 
 upon me if I did my duty. 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 I ARRIVE IN MUDDI.KTOWN J AND RESOLVE TO SEE THE GREAT MEN 
 OF THE COUNTRY. 
 
 I pass over, as of no importance, the account of 
 the rejoicings with which I was received by the 
 people of Barataria, on my arrival at the sea-port 
 town of Packetville, on the Baratarian Channel, 
 and of my progress towards Mnddlctown. Suf- 
 fice it to say, that at the previous place a large 
 quantity of gunpowder was needlessly wasted in 
 firing a salute — a barbarous practice, very odious 
 and painful to me, and one that seems to be 
 founded on the childish notion that a great noise 
 is symbolical of a great joy. The chief city of 
 Barataria imitated, in this respect, the behaviour 
 of the minor one, and improved upon it by ex- 
 ploding more gunpowder, ringing more bells, 
 and hanging out a greater number of Baratarian 
 flags than the smaller place could afford or find 
 opportunity for. I had to make speeches — at 
 east half-a-dozen of them — before I got safely to 
 
AKEIVES AT MUDDLET0WN. 21 
 
 the gubernatorial palace of Muddletown ; but I 
 took care to make them short, and, as far as pos- 
 sible, vague and oracular; hinting much, but 
 promising nothing, as is politic in persons of 
 power and authority, from whom much is antici- 
 pated, but from whom, in the long-run, nothing 
 particular may come. ' Blessed,' says the old 
 adage, 'are those who expect nothing, for they 
 shall not be disappointed.' Besides, it is never 
 wise to excite too much enthusiasm; and I de- 
 termined that my subjects should judge of me 
 by my fulfilled intentions (when they were ful- 
 filled) and my developed schemes for their good, 
 when fully carried out — if ever they were carried 
 out — rather than by my exordiums or my perora- 
 tions, or anything that came between. I am not 
 an admirer of what the Baratarians call ' the gift 
 of the gab ;' for I have often found that your 
 fellows who can talk fluently for three or four 
 hours at a stretch have nothing very particular 
 to say ; and that they resemble those industrious 
 artificers, the gold-beaters, who can hammer you 
 out the sixteenth part of an ounce of gold until it 
 covers a good acre of land, doing no good to the 
 acre in the process, and dissipating the gold. So 
 
22 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 I was cordial and gracious in my manner — as I 
 always am when occasion calls ; but was in words 
 as reticent as an ambassador, or a young lady 
 who has not made up her mind either to accept or 
 reject her suitor. Juanita, not yet a duchess, but 
 soon to be one, did her part beautifully, and scat- 
 tered her smiles around her as graciously as if 
 she had been the sun in heaven ; taking no heed 
 whether she shone upon a mountain or a dung- 
 hill, and dispensing her radiance on every side 
 with a wealth of good- will that made me think that 
 Nature had designed her for an empress at the 
 very least, and that the Court of Barataria, un- 
 der her influence, would be as bright as it would 
 be virtuous. She took particular notice of the 
 little children at every place where we had to 
 stop, a piece of policy which came to her by in- 
 stinct rather than by design, and which I imitated, 
 partly because I really love little children, and 
 partly because I thought it would increase my 
 popularity as well as Juanita' s, in which calcula- 
 tion I was not disappointed. Little children are 
 of no rank ; and the beggar's brat is as interesting 
 as the Queen's. The women spoke of us warmly, 
 and the men did the same, though more coldly ; 
 
ARRIVES AT MUDDLETOWX. 23 
 
 and when at one place, where a fat Alderman — 
 fatter than I am, though I measure more inches 
 round the girth than any one knows except my tai- 
 lor — came forth to meet us at the head of a depu- 
 tation of the townspeople, Juanita took in her arms 
 and kissed a little chubby girl of three years old, 
 who presented her with a large bouquet of choice 
 flowers, almost as large as the child itself, such a 
 volley of cheers burst forth from the crowd as 
 would have convinced me, if I had needed to be 
 convinced, that the surest way to get to the peo- 
 ple's heart is to take notice of the people's babies. 
 It was late in the evening when we arrived at 
 Muddletown, and had it been my first visit — 
 which it was not — I should doubtless have ad- 
 mired the gloomy splendour of its long streets, all 
 lit up with gas-lamps, shining and flaring like 
 gems on the diadem of an empress. But the spec- 
 tacle was not new ; and, moreover, I wanted my 
 supper and my slippers, and an easy-chair to 
 smoke a pipe in, and take such thought of the 
 morrow as was necessary, and no more. Juanita 
 liked me to smoke my pipe, and usually filled it 
 for me with her own fair hands ; and while I 
 smoked, she worked at her embroidery. She did 
 
24 BAEOX GKIMBOSU. 
 
 not often commence a conversation with me while^V 
 the pipe was in my mouth, but she always replied 
 with sweetness and good humour to me when I 
 .said anything or asked anything ; and if she did 
 not always agree with me (which she certainly 
 did not), she had always a strong reason to give 
 for every opinion that was contrary to my own. 
 On this evening, the first which I spent in Mud- 
 dletown, too many things crowded at once into 
 my mind to permit me to talk much ; and as the 
 blue thin wreaths of smoke curled upwards from 
 my pipe and floated away to the ceiling of the 
 snug little cabinet — or library — in which we had 
 installed ourselves, I evolved out of my dreamy in- 
 dolence, which was not all indolence, more than 
 one plan for my future guidance among the Bara- 
 tarians. I knew the names of the principal great 
 men among them, of the leaders of political and 
 of religious opinion, and I knew, of course, that 
 these men would either present themselves before 
 me at the first levee Avhich I held, or would 
 visit me privately to welcome me to their coun- 
 try. I longed very much to make their acquaint- 
 ance in the flesh, and see what manner of men 
 they were, and bethought me that I would give a 
 
ARRIVES AT MUDDLETOWN. 25 
 
 series of quiet little dinners (and I must own that 
 I like a nice little dinner, well cooked, well served, 
 with choice wine and choice company — a company 
 that for comfort and social intercourse should not 
 exceed eight), in order to bring them all together 
 in batches. First, I would invite the leading po- 
 liticians of all parties ; second, the theologians — 
 for there is a great deal more theology than re- 
 ligion in Barataria ; third, the great lawyers — for 
 if ever there was a country which was lawyer- 
 ridden, it was that in which my lot was cast as 
 governor ; fourth, the literati ; fifth, the painters, 
 sculptors, musicians, and actors ; and sixth, the 
 great merchants, traders, and bankers. I suddenly 
 proposed the scheme to Juanita, and asked her 
 opinion of it. 
 
 1 A good dinner,' said she, 'is a good thing in 
 itself, more especially if the company be good 
 also ; but I don't think politics and theology are 
 good things to discuss over the fish, the flesh, or 
 the fowl, over the soup, or the wine, and more 
 especially over the brandy.' 
 
 1 Then you don't approve of my inviting the 
 politicians or the clergy to discuss affairs after 
 dinner ?' 
 
2Q BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 ' Well, I should not greatly object, if you man- 
 aged that the politicians should all be of the same 
 party, and the clergy all of the same Church, 
 otherwise I fear there would either be silence at 
 the table or angry difference of opinion. At the 
 best, you would have but idle chatter. As for the 
 poets, and novelists, and painters, and musicians, 
 and play-actors, that's a different affair ; and 
 some fun might come out of them. Suppose you 
 begin with the poets.' 
 
 Juanita wrote poetry herself, or, at all events, 
 verse, which may be a very different thing. 
 
 1 It's easy to talk of poets,' said I, drawing a 
 long whiff ; ' but a poet's never very much of a 
 poet until he is dead, and I'd rather read a poet's 
 book than drink wine with him. Besides, it's not 
 the correct thing for kings, emperors, and gover- 
 nors to encourage poetry, or associate with poets, 
 or other hard-up people. Poets are dangerous 
 customers ; and if by chance or design I were to 
 show any particular favour to one of the class, I 
 should make ten thousand rhymers, who think 
 themselves poets, as jealous as — Pandemonium.' 
 I was going to use a stronger word ; I might have 
 done so appropriately, if there had not been a lady 
 
AEE1YES AT MUDDLET0WN. 1 1 
 
 in the company. ' I would not so much mind the 
 novelists and the play-actors, and the rest of 
 them, though they also are a jealons class of peo- 
 ple in Barataria.' 
 
 1 Then don't invite them,' said Juanita. ( On 
 second thoughts, I am of opinion that that will be 
 the better course. None of the Governors of Ba- 
 rataria have ever done so. If a poet be poor, give 
 him sixpence ; if an artist be great, make a knight 
 of him — it will cost you nothing, and please his 
 wife ; if an actor be very funny, invite him to play 
 before you, and pay him as little as you can ; and 
 it need not be much, because in inviting him you 
 advertise him, and that is just what he wants.' 
 
 'Ah, but, Juanita, I intend to turn over a 
 new leaf in these matters. There is a difficulty 
 about the poets, because I don't believe there are 
 any except the dead ones, and one or two living 
 ones of the bread-and-butter school, who write 
 for the young ladies, and whom I don't at all ap- 
 preciate, and one or two more who are so good as 
 to be utterly unintelligible to the present genera- 
 tion. Otherwise I intend that literary and intel- 
 lectual merit shall under my rule have due ap- 
 preciation, as far as I can extend it by my means 
 and by my example.' 
 
28 BARON GRIMBOSII. 
 
 '"Well,' said Juanita, biting off a thread of 
 her work, 'there is no hurry that I am aware 
 of ; and your first business, after all, is with the 
 politicians. Ugh ! how I hate them !' 
 
 Now the fact is Juanita did not hate them — 
 I believe she does not hate anything but dirt, 
 hypocrisy, and lies — but simply she did not 
 like the discussion of politics. Neither do I, for 
 that matter, unless it be a friendly discussion 
 with people who agree with me. My own mind 
 was tolerably well made up about the politics of 
 Barataria ; and I only desired to see the poli- 
 ticians in social intercourse, that I might study 
 their characters, gauge if possible the depths of 
 their minds and the sincerity of their convictions 
 — if they had any, which was a thing I greatly 
 wanted to discover — and to ascertain quietly what 
 assistance I might obtain and what opposition I 
 might encounter in the furtherance of my own 
 philanthropic designs for the good government 
 of my people. There were five of such people 
 more or less opposed to one another in public life, 
 whom I was especially anxious to bring together, 
 and who, if they all came to dinner, would, with 
 Juanita and myself, make up a comfortable and 
 
ARRIVES AT MUDDLE TOWN. 29 
 
 conversable party of seven — a good number, 
 and a lucky. 
 
 The first of these was Pamfoozle — an old 
 gentleman between seventy and eighty, who was 
 a universal favourite. He was nominally of what 
 was called the progressive and liberal party, 
 though people said of him that what he really 
 wanted was to stand still, if he could stand still 
 without danger of losing his place. He was re- 
 presented to me as cheery and genial, a good 
 fellow, and what in the slang of Barataria was 
 called a brick — a man who stuck to his friends, 
 conciliated his foes, and under a mask of bon- 
 hommie and carelessness possessed the cunning 
 of a score of foxes. Of the same political party 
 was Monkshood (so named from the conventual 
 property which his ancestors had acquired on the 
 dissolution of the monasteries, convents, and other 
 religious establishments at the time when the Ba- 
 ratarians abandoned the Church of their fathers). 
 He was a sort of rival to Pamfoozle, though con- 
 tent to work along with him rather than not 
 work at all ; a gentleman also of advanced age, 
 who had done good service in his youth ; a highly 
 respectable and correct person, to whose mind 
 
30 ];ai;ox GMMEOSir. 
 
 the possession by anybody of the name of Monks- 
 hood, and cousinship to himself or to his wife 
 even to the seventh degree of removal, was a 
 better recommendation than mere merit. 
 
 On the other side in politics — the side that 
 desired to stand still, and made no secret of it, 
 thongh when they had a chance they sometimes 
 advanced more rapidly than their opponents — 
 were two men of great abilities and celebrity, 
 whom I had a vivid curiosity to see and con- 
 verse with. One was Bamboozle, a noble of very 
 ancient lineage — proud, chivalrous, learned, and 
 eloquent, but not caring much for the public 
 life into which his social position and talents, 
 rather than his inclination, forced him. His 
 friend and fellow- worker was even a more re- 
 markable man — one Benoni, a novelist and a 
 poet, as well as a politician, and the first man of 
 the Hebrew race who had ever become a leader 
 in Barataria, unless among the bankers and 
 money-lenders. Everybody admired Benoni for 
 the indomitable perseverance and self-reliance 
 with which he had triumphantly surmounted 
 difficulties that would have appalled and kept 
 down a heart less stout than his own. The fifth 
 
AEEIVES AT MTTDDLETOWN. 31 
 
 man that I desired to see and converse with was 
 one Bluff, who was considered an oracle on all 
 matters of trade, and was reported to speak the 
 purest and most forcible Baratarian of any man 
 living. Bluff, it appeared, always said what he 
 meant, and said it well. He hated war as fer- 
 vently as I do ; but somehow or other he always 
 thought that his own country was in the wrong 
 when any difference, however slight, arose with 
 another. Bluff was a hater of titles, as well 
 as of hereditary privileges, and seemed, as far 
 as I could understand at that time, when I 
 knew but little about him, to be an enemy of 
 all government, except that of the shop ; and 
 one who thought that pure reason and common 
 sense could settle every difficulty that might, 
 could, or would declare itself among the nations. 
 Bluff too, I had learned, I scarcely knew how, 
 thought himself the wisest man, not alone in Bara- 
 taria, but in all the world, and invariably declared 
 every man whose opinions were opposed to his 
 own to be a knave and a fool, or a compound of 
 both. Believing this to be a true account of him, 
 I resolved, if I could ever get a chance, to take 
 the conceit out of him, and prove — if not to him- 
 
32 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 self, to everybody within earshot — that Bluff was 
 not infallible. Bluff, though a man of peace in 
 theory, was exceedingly bellicose in words, and, 
 in the main, a man whom nature had intended 
 for a despot, but whom fortune and the accident 
 of birth had converted into a democrat. These 
 five I resolved should be of my dinner-party, if 
 they would accept the invitation. 
 
 I described all these people to Juanita, be- 
 tween whiffs of smoke, and she listened atten- 
 tively, making no objection. Xext morning I 
 summoned to my councils my old butler; a 
 venerable man, greatly attached to my interests, 
 who robbed me himself when he liked, which was 
 very often, but who would not suffer any one 
 else to do so, whose robberies did not exceed 
 five, or perhaps six, per cent of my income; which 
 robberies I judiciously winked at, and condoned, 
 because I knew that I thereby saved fifty per 
 cent of other robberies, which I could not have 
 prevented, except through his agency. His name 
 was Toole, a Milesian ; and as faithful a fellow, 
 all things considered, as ever breathed. An ex- 
 cellent judge of wine (or of stronger liquors), and 
 of a fidelity (the discount excepted) unsurpassed 
 
ARRIVES AT HUDDLETOWN. 33 
 
 among the useful class of men and women who 
 are contented to serve the needs and whims of 
 other people for a befitting recompense. 
 
 1 Pat,' said I, ' we are in a new country, 
 among new people, and my own wines, so ex- 
 cellent in my cellar at home, are not obtainable. 
 I am about to invite a few of the great men of 
 Barataria to dinner ; and I must trust to your 
 skill and care, to see that I have the best dinner 
 that can possibly be cooked by the best artist ; 
 for a cook, worthy to be so called, is an artist 
 almost worthy to rank with an epic poet, and 
 a great deal more useful. I also expect some 
 of the choicest wines, that not only money — for 
 this is a small thing — but that taste and know- 
 ledge such as yours and mine can procure. You 
 understand ?' 
 
 1 Faith, and I do, your honour — your ex- 
 cellency, I mean ; and the money being ready, I 
 warrant the rest.' 
 
 ' Enough,' I replied : ' and, Toole, a word in 
 confidence with you. Keep a sharp look-out over 
 my guests, and if you hear them say anything 
 disagreeable of me behind my back, let me know 
 of it. I want to ascertain what these people 
 
3i BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 really think of me. I don't want yon to spy over 
 them, be sure of that ; but there is such a vast 
 deal of hypocrisy in Barataria, as I am given to 
 understand, that you can never find out, except 
 by indirect means, what anybody really thinks of 
 you, unless you are poor and "want to borrow 
 money, when you will hear with a vengeance. 
 I don't want to hear the agreeable things they 
 say of me, if they go so far — only the disparage- 
 ments, and the sneers, and the innuenclos; for he 
 who has to govern, Mr. Toole, has a difficult task; 
 and must know his men, in the skin as well as 
 in the coat, with the mask off as well as the 
 mask on, in the unguarded as well as in the 
 guarded moment. You understand ?' 
 
 ' Yes, your honour — your excellency, I mean; 
 but if they are really great men, they will know 
 greatness when they see it, and will not breathe 
 a word, even on the sly, against the Governor of 
 Barataria.' 
 
 It is my firm belief that when Toole made 
 this flattering observation, he was calculating in 
 his own mind how much money he could put 
 into his own pocket, as discount upon the bill for 
 the wines and the dinner for my little party. 
 
CRAPTEK IV. 
 
 I GIVE A DINNER-PARTY, AND DISCOURSE ON THE DUTIES OF 
 GOVERNMENT. 
 
 Pamfoozle was chief Secretary of the Eepublic 
 of Barataria, appointed by my predecessor, and 
 held office subject to my good- will and pleasure. 
 He was therefore very deferential and polite on 
 our first, and indeed on every, interview; and 
 told me frankly that he would have preferred a 
 tete-a-tete dinner with me, in the first instance, to 
 the larger company, amongst whom I had invited 
 him ; and that as etiquette did not allow him to 
 invite the Chief of the State, the only thing to do 
 would be for the Chief of the State to invite Pam- 
 foozle. This suggestion I at once acted upon, 
 and he came the next day in the most friendly 
 manner, and without the least fuss or ceremony. 
 Pamfoozle — called Pam by the people, partly for 
 shortness, partly for affectionate good-will — did 
 not care much about his dinner — nobody does 
 when there are but two in company and a servant 
 
36 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 in the room — and did not say much, or unbend 
 or unbosom himself, until the cloth was removed, 
 the coffee served, the tobacco and cognac brought 
 in, and Toole and everybody else had exiled 
 themselves, ex propria motu, to the ante-room. 
 
 ' I am glad your excellency likes a quiet 
 smoke,' remarked the kindly old gentleman when 
 we were alone. ' I can do either with or with- 
 out it ; but it seems to me that smoke inclines the 
 mind to peace, meditation, and friendly feeling.' 
 
 'It's a bad habit,' said I, 'though I indulge 
 in it. But a man must have some vice, and it is 
 better to have a little tranquillising one than a 
 great tormenting and disturbing one.' 
 
 *I don't think,' said Pamfoozle, 'that any 
 man ever meditated murder with a cigar in his 
 mouth.' 
 
 ' Nor do I ; though he may have meditated 
 fraud, forgery, or the cooking of his accounts.' 
 
 ' Your excellency is a philosopher,' said Pam- 
 foozle. ' So am I in a small way ; I take things 
 easily. I never give myself much trouble about 
 anything ; and I never knew what it was to feel 
 a disappointment keenly, though I have had my 
 share of such accidents of fortune. You will find 
 
GIVES A DINNER-PARTY. 37 
 
 the Baratarians rather an odd sort of people,' he 
 added, suddenly changing the subject ; l but not 
 a hard people to govern, if you will not stroke 
 the fur of their backs the wrong way, when, like 
 cats, they are apt to become overcharged with 
 electricity, and to exhibit the sparks rather an- 
 grily. But they are a good people at heart, and 
 fond of truth and courage. Even if a man's a 
 villain, they like him to be a bold rather than a 
 sneaking one.' 
 
 'I have judged as much,' I replied, 'from 
 their history, past and present ; but are they not 
 uncommonly crotchety and fond of grumbling ?' 
 
 ' All civilised nations are crotchety and fond 
 of grumbling,' said Pam. ' Crotchets, liberty, and 
 grumbling always go together. I have been 
 grumbled at as much as any man living, and 
 never cared; and I have been preached at by 
 crowds of crotchet-mongers to such an extent, 
 that if I had not had the patience of a saint, and 
 the savoir-faire of a man of the world, I should 
 have made a hundred enemies every day of my 
 official life. You will be plagued that way, I can 
 tell your excellency. If you do not imitate my 
 example, and let the crotcheteers depart unruffled, 
 
38 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 and permit the crotchet to run off your mind as 
 the water runs from a duck's back, you will make 
 yourself a thorny bed to sleep upon. We are a 
 nation of reformers in Barataria ; everybody wants 
 to reform the world, but nobody wants to reform 
 himself. And as I am a much older man than 
 your excellency, and know not only that you will 
 have a difficult task if you attempt to govern this 
 people on theoretical principles, but that you are 
 a sage and a statesman, and a man with great 
 ideas, I give you this advice ; — Let the asses 
 bray, and never let a donkey suspect that you 
 know him to be one. I am always very respect- 
 ful to fools ; in fact it takes a considerable amount 
 of wisdom to make a good fool. By acting upon 
 this principle I have gained no small part of the 
 popularity I enjoy. Blessings upon the fools! 
 I say. If there were no fools in the Baratarian 
 Parliament, no good fellows who are contented 
 to believe what they are told — and who take go- 
 A^ernment on trust — how could any useful mea- 
 sure ever be ripened into an Act of Parliament ?' 
 I acquiesced in Pamfoozle's reasoning ; and, 
 he continued, ' Though I am a serious man in my 
 way, I love a joke if it be a good one, whether 
 
GIVES A DINNER-PARTY. 39 
 
 I make or hear it. But I have established it 
 as a rule of conduct never to joke either with a 
 stupid or a bad person. None but the wise and 
 good can appreciate a joke, or take it pleasantly 
 if it seems to go against them. But though I 
 don't jest with fools, I make use of them ; and if 
 your Excellency understands the art of govern- 
 ment, you will do the same. If I could turn fools 
 into wise men, I would not do it universally. 
 Fools are capital instruments to work with, 
 especially if you make believe that you consider 
 them to be wise men.' 
 
 He paused, and I did not reply for a minute 
 or two, for I was uncertain whether I understood 
 him or not. At last I said, ' It is possible that 
 I agree with you in the abstract, only I don't 
 exactly know what meaning you attach to the 
 word "folly." All the world are fools, says 
 Monsieur Boileau. Tous les hommes sontfous, et 
 malgre tous leurs soins ; ne different entre eux 
 que die plus ou du moins /' 
 
 1 I am delighted that you speak such excel- 
 lent French,' said Pamfoozle, in a kindly and 
 patronising manner; ' it is a great language for 
 statesmen and philosophers; the best in the world, 
 
40 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 and beats our coarser Baratarian hollow. Pray 
 do not let me interrupt your excellency.' 
 
 ' What is Folly — who can tell ? or is it any- 
 thing but an excess of wisdom displayed before 
 its time ? What is Beligion ? Does it consist in 
 the crucifying, the damning, or the burning of 
 your neighbour, because his faith is not exactly 
 the same as your own ? What is Morality ? It 
 is moral in China to smother your superfluous 
 infant daughters, and in Feejee it is highly moral 
 and meritorious to kill and eat your old grand- 
 father, with the proper rites and ceremonies [bien 
 entendu]. What is Education?' 
 
 Til be hanged,' said Pamfoozle, 'iftheBara- 
 tarians know; for they think you cannot safely 
 teach a child the multiplication table, unless you 
 mix up theology along with it.' 
 
 'And what is Patriotism,' I continued, 'ex- 
 cept an implied assertion to which I cannot con- 
 sent, that you must love your own country better 
 than any other, merely because your mother hap- 
 pened to give birth to you in it, and that you 
 must fight for it, even in a wrongful cause, if you 
 are a real patriot ?' 
 
 'Yery true,' said Pamfoozle, 'and if people in 
 
GIVES A DINNER-PARTY. 41 
 
 argument could be induced to use, instead of the 
 words you have cited, algebraic terms, and call 
 Eeligion A, Education B, Morality C, Patriot- 
 ism D, and the Truth the unknown quantity, 
 an X, to be eliminated, arguments would not be 
 nearly so envenomed as they are.' 
 
 I began to like my chief Secretary, and I am 
 convinced he saw that I did, and he became even 
 more friendly and genial in his manner than he 
 was before. i The great thing with our people,' 
 he continued, ' is not to argue with them over 
 much, and never to be in a hurry to do what 
 they ask you to do. The gourd is in a tremen- 
 dous hurry to grow, but see what becomes of it 
 in a week or two. But the oak and the yew take 
 their time, and so does Barataria: let it alone, 
 your excellency, and don't attempt to govern it 
 stringently. As much palaver as you please, and 
 as little action as possible. That is my maxim, 
 and I think I know a thing or two.' 
 
 Pamfoozle and I parted exceedingly good 
 friends, although there was something about his 
 poco-curante philosophy that did not exactly 
 agree with my more ardent nature. I told the 
 Duchess all that had passed between us; and she 
 
42 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 expressed a desire to make the great Secretary's 
 acquaintance, which I promised her she should do. 
 She declined, however, to appear at the dinner- 
 table, thought the gentlemen would be better by 
 themselves, and suggested that she should have an 
 evening reception for a wider company, inclusive 
 of the principal ladies of Barataria, among whom 
 my guests might present themselves at a later 
 hour of the evening. I saw the propriety of this 
 arrangement at once, and agreed to it without 
 farther remark than a playful tap on her pretty 
 cheek, which I am in the habit of giving her 
 when I am pleased. But who was to be the 
 seventh, to fill her place? for seven I had re- 
 solved there must be. 'Ah!' said I, M have it; I 
 ought to have thought of it before. It shall be 
 the keeper of the Baratarian purse, who is as 
 learned as Bamboozle, as fluent and eloquent as 
 Bluff, a midway man, as it were, between the 
 aristocracy and the democracy, and who has head 
 and heart large enough to welcome new ideas, 
 and to act upon them if they are good ones. I 
 shall invite Hooly; he is of the great Grampian 
 family of the Hooly s and Fairly s.' 
 
 'And the party of the seven wise men of 
 
GIVES A DINNER-PARTY. 43 
 
 Gotham will be complete,' said the Duchess, 
 with a slight movement of her pretty little nose ; 
 ' 1 am glad that I shall not be present at their 
 deliberations !' 
 
 The six noblemen and gentlemen all accepted 
 the invitation, which, coming from me, was looked 
 upon in the light of a command. The arrange- 
 ments reflected the highest credit upon Toole and 
 the cook, as well as upon the wine merchant; 
 but in other respects I was compelled, very reluc- 
 tantly, to come to the conclusion that the gather- 
 ing was a failure. My guests spoke of the weather, 
 of the fashions, of the latest new scandal, of the 
 last exhibition of pictures, of the last new novel 
 of Mr. Wordy, the last new poem of Mr. Milky, 
 the last new picture of Mr. Scratchy, of the pro- 
 spects of the grouse season in the Highlands of 
 Grampiana, the northern portion of Barataria ; 
 but became ominously silent when I attempted to 
 lead the conversation into topics connected with 
 the foreign or the domestic politics of the country. 
 I soon perceived that the six gentlemen at the 
 table, representing as they did the two great 
 parties of the ' ins' and the ' outs' (except Bluff, 
 who said he didn't want to be ' in,' though many 
 
44 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 of liis friends said lie most particularly and anxi- 
 ously wanted to be asked to come in), were chary 
 of committing themselves before each other. And 
 as it is part of my nature to be candid and free- 
 spoken, and as I was resolved, if possible, that 
 some interchange of ideas should take place be- 
 tween me and the lords and gentlemen, who either 
 were or might become my secretaries, advisers, or 
 chiefs of departments, I watched my opportunity, 
 when the dessert was placed upon the table, and 
 the choice Chateau Margaux and Clos Yougeot 
 began to circulate (Bluff, I remarked with disap- 
 pointment, drank nothing but water), to ask their 
 opinion, collectively and individually, upon two 
 questions closely, indeed inseparably, connected 
 with each other, that bore upon the present state 
 and future prospects of Barataria. 
 
 ' Gentlemen,' I said, ' I have a conscience' 
 ('Bad thing,' said Pamfoozle sotto voce; but 1 
 heard him, though I took no notice), ' and a deep 
 sense of the responsibility that weighs upon me 
 in undertaking the government of this realm.' 
 (Bluff smiled approval; and Bamboozle looked at 
 the colour of the Burgundy in his glass, as he 
 held it up to the light.) ' It seems to me that the 
 
GIVES A DINNER-PARTY. 4 5 
 
 civilisation of Barataria is not what it ought to 
 'be ; that it is not such a Christian civilisation as 
 it might develop itself into, if the leaders of 
 opinion — the great men in church and state, in 
 law and in literature — would only agree among 
 themselves.' 
 
 Pamfoozle winked at Bamboozle, and the wink 
 was returned ; Benoni cast a peculiar look upon 
 Bluff, who did not observe it; and Monkshood, 
 who sat next to Hooly, nudged the right honour- 
 able gentleman's elbow. 
 
 ' There are,' I continued, ' two great and cry- 
 ing evils in Barataria that ought to be and must 
 be eradicated; and towards the eradication of 
 which I have determined to devote all the ener- 
 gies of mind and body which God has given me. 
 I mean pauperism and ignorance.' 
 
 1 A noble task,' said Bluff. 
 
 ' An impossible one,' said Pamfoozle. 
 
 'Waste of good intentions,' said Bamboozle. 
 
 1 But that ought to be tried,' said Hooly. 
 
 ' Utopian,' said Monkshood. 
 
 'Very creditable to his excellency's heart, 
 said Benoni. 
 
 'According to your present laws,' I continued, 
 
46 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 1 no child born in Barataria is allowed to perish 
 for want of food ; and if, in spite of the law, a Ba- 
 ratarian child do perish from this cause, some- 
 body is held responsible and punished.' 
 
 ' In theory,' said Blnff, l but not in practice.' 
 ' I would extend the theory and the practice 
 from the body to the mind ; and declare that as it 
 is the bounden duty of the father, the mother, the 
 parish, or the State, to supply the child with 
 food, so, in default of father and mother and the 
 parish, it should be the bounden duty of the 
 State to supply every child with a sufficient edu- 
 cation to enable it to read, write, and cipher up 
 as far as the Eule of Three, if not to Vulgar and 
 Decimal Fractions. I desire that in the realm 
 of Barataria during my governorship a new era 
 shall commence, the result of which shall be that 
 every young Baratarian shall have a good dinner 
 every day ; and that no young Baratarian shall 
 grow up to be a thief or a pauper, for want of the 
 preliminary education that shall fit him when he 
 grows older to be a participator in all the civilis- 
 ing knowledge of the time in which he lives.' 
 
 ' I wish it could be managed, but I can't see 
 how,' said Pamfoozle. 
 
GIVES A DINNER-PARTY. 47 
 
 1 And so do I, if the payers of taxes and the 
 bishops would agree to it,' said Bamfoozle. 
 
 'Bother the bishops!' said Bluff. 
 
 ' You ought not to bother the bishops, if you 
 want to get on smoothly and successfully with 
 such questions as these,' said Benoni. 
 
 ' If to read, means to read the Bible, a begin- 
 ing might be made,' said Monkshood. 
 
 ' The question is surrounded with difficulties 
 — very great difficulties — not only from bishops, 
 but from the opponents of bishops. A selection 
 from the Bible might answer the purpose,' said 
 Hooly. 
 
 1 The Old Testament or the New ? And who's 
 to select ?' said Pamfoozle. 
 
 'There's the rub,' said Bamboozle. 
 
 ' The Sermon on the Mount would be amply 
 sufficient,' said Bluff. 
 
 ' Quite ; if you could get the Jews, the Eoman 
 Catholics, the State Churchmen, the Dissenters, 
 the Atheists, and all the rest of them, to agree 
 with you,' said Benoni. ' And then there remains 
 the question of the good dinner every day ; one 
 which is not to be easily settled.' 
 
 ' I know, gentlemen,' I continued, ' that there 
 
48 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 are many difficulties ; but he who is appalled by 
 difficulties that may chance to be surmountable 
 if they are fairly confronted and grappled with, 
 is but a poor statesman and a still poorer philo- 
 sopher.' 
 
 ' Philosophy and statesmanship don't row in 
 
 the same boat,' said Pamfbozle. 
 
 ' Their skulls are so different !' said Bam- 
 boozle, at which remark Bcnoni smiled. 
 
 I did not see the joke, and went on. 'Both 
 statesmanship and philosophy are engaged in 
 these questions, and religion also, though I most 
 sincerely wish that the religious and pious peo- 
 ple of Barataria, or those who call themselves 
 religious, could be compelled to love each other.' 
 
 ' Love never grows out of compulsion,' said 
 Benoni; ' and if you expect that the religious sects 
 of Barataria will ever cease to snarl and growl at 
 each other, like hungry and angry dogs and 
 wolves, you will have to live into the Millennium 
 to see the consummation you desire.' 
 
 'It is not religion that is at fault,' said Bluff, 
 ' but priestcraft. " Minimise priestcraft and maxi- 
 mise religion," said a great Baratarian sage, who 
 now sleeps with his fathers. And for uttering 
 
GIVES A DINNER-PARTY. 49 
 
 this noble sentiment in over-latinised Baratarian, 
 all the sects, unanimous for once, burst out into 
 a loud chorus of indignation, and accused him of 
 Atheism.' 
 
 ' "We are getting on dangerous ground,' said 
 Pamfoozle to me in a whisper, not heard by the 
 rest of the company. 'Don't prolong the discus- 
 sion. Join the ladies upstairs.' 
 
 I took the hint, for I had a great respect for 
 the wariness of this excellent old fox. ' Pass the 
 wine, my lords and gentlemen. You will find the 
 Chateau Margaux of the best vintage, not too 
 young, and not too old. Claret, unlike port, does 
 not keep for forty years ; and we will adjourn our 
 discussion sine die. Beware the Clos Vougeot, 
 if you are inclined to be gouty. It is first rate, 
 but not favourable to gouty people. What does 
 gout proceed from ?' 
 
 ' Gluttony,' said Bluff. 
 
 'Hereditary richness of blood,' said Bam- 
 boozle. 
 
 ' Worry,' said Pamfoozle. 
 
 ' Idleness and want of exercise,' said Benoni. 
 
 ' Or a combination of all these predisposing 
 causes,' said Hooly. 
 
 E 
 
50 • EAEON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 ' Except the second,' said Monkshood. 
 
 I made a movement as if I would rise from 
 the table, and very speedily these magnates and 
 lights of Barataria followed me upstairs to the 
 presence of the Duchess de Grimbosh, who cer- 
 tainly did look lovely. She was quite at home, 
 bless her heart, and was as luminous and cheerful 
 as a morning of June, when the sky is unclouded, 
 and the air is redolent of the odour of roses and 
 honeysuckle. There were between eight hundred 
 and a thousand people present. That night, be- 
 fore going to bed, and while smoking my accus- 
 tomed pipe, I confessed that my part of the day's 
 performance had been more or less of a failure, and 
 that Juanita's part had been a decided success. I 
 had only opened my mouth to create opposition or 
 distrust ; while she had only opened hers to make 
 friends of everybody, except the young women 
 who were not so pretty as herself, and who 
 thought the men had all lost their senses in de- 
 claring her to be so handsome. 
 
 Toole informed me, after all the company had 
 departed, that Bamboozle, when putting on his 
 overcoat, had whispered to Benoni the words ' Ee- 
 volutionary humbug,' and that Benoni had re- 
 
GIVES A DINNER-PARTY. » 51 
 
 plied 'Ass;' but whether meaning me or somebody 
 else he could not say. The others had made no 
 remark, with the exception of Bluff, who, in a 
 sort of dreamy soliloquy, had said, 'A wise states- 
 man.' I thought to myself that if ever I wanted 
 counsel in the difficulties that might be in store 
 for me, I should consult Bluff. 
 
CHAPTEE Y. 
 
 1 AM ASKED TO REDRESS MANY URGENT GRIEVANCES, AND TO 
 INAUGURATE MANY USEFUL REFORMS. 
 
 Everything is known in Barataria, and a good 
 deal more. A man very eminent in public life 
 cannot blow his nose in public but what the 
 colour of his pocket-handkerchief will be duly 
 reported in the newspapers, as well as the num- 
 ber of times he may have sneezed, or coughed, 
 before resorting to his pocket. All the peo- 
 ple, except the very small people whom no- 
 body cares to know or hear of, live in glass 
 houses, against which the passers-by make no 
 scruple of flattening their ugly noses, if they 
 can learn anything to gossip about afterwards. 
 It speedily became known in Muddletown and 
 throughout the whole country that I was a phi- 
 lanthropist, a humanitarian, a social reformer, 
 and a man with ideas for the regeneration of the 
 world. There was much exaggeration in the 
 reports that flew from mouth to mouth, from 
 
A EEDRESSER OF GRIEVANCES. 53 
 
 newspaper to newspaper, from gobemouckc to 
 gobemouche, and especially from those industri- 
 ous members of the gobemouche fraternity who 
 are kept in Muddletown at the expense of provin- 
 cial journals, for the enlightenment of the bucolic 
 mind and that of the small traders in remote 
 country places, as to the scope and purpose of 
 my philanthropy. But it was beneath my gu- 
 bernatorial dignity to contradict these reports ; 
 and the only course open to me to set myself 
 right was, to declare my views publicly as occa- 
 sion served, and cause my private secretary to 
 correct any errors that might appear in the news- 
 paper reports of my expositions. Opportunity 
 did not fail. I had not been installed in my 
 chair above a month, before petitions, memorials, 
 addresses, and solicitations for interviews, began 
 to pour in upon me by every post, from all the 
 philanthropists, humanitarians, and theorists of 
 the country. It seemed to me that the confusion 
 of tongues at Babel must have been small and 
 petty compared with the confusion of opinions 
 that prevailed in Barataria ; and that Baratarian 
 civilisation, so called, was a chaotic and nebulous 
 mass, seething and fermenting with doctrines 
 
54 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 that did not fit into or amalgamate one with ano- 
 ther ; and the result of which might possibly be 
 to elevate men into angels, bnt which, with equal 
 possibility, might evolve devils and dragons out 
 of the restless chaos which bubbled under my 
 nose. But I was more amused than alarmed at 
 the study, and resolved to see and converse with 
 such deputations of the philosophers, male and 
 female, as came either to preach at me, or to so- 
 licit my aid and countenance in the furtherance 
 of their objects. My private secretary, a young 
 Milesian gentleman, who had been recommended 
 to me by Toole, and who I found was some dist- 
 ant relative of his own, claiming descent from 
 some barbarous monarch of the olden time named 
 Brian Bora, and who called himself ' The O'Sulli- 
 van Bora,' was instructed to make a short ab- 
 stract of all the letters and documents that were 
 forwarded to me, that I might not lose time in 
 wading through the verbosities of the social phi- 
 losophers, and the discoverers of panaceas for all 
 the moral as well as physical evils that afflict 
 humanity. In this service I found the 0' Sullivan 
 Born very useful; for he had a marvellous quick- 
 ness in plucking out the needle from the bottle of 
 
A REDRESSER OP GRIEVANCES. 55 
 
 hay, and a pleasant manner in setting forth other 
 people's reasoning in his own way, without do- 
 ing injustice to theirs. Out of a very great and 
 voluminous mass of correspondence officially ad- 
 dressed to me, the O'Sullivan Boru systematisecl, 
 arranged, and made a, precis of the following: 
 
 Soliciting an interview with his Excellency 
 Baron Grimbosh, Doctor of Philosophy, Governor 
 of Barataria — 
 
 1 . A deputation from the Society of Universal 
 Peace and Brotherhood ; signed by John Blathers 
 and upwards of three thousand persons of both 
 sexes. Objects of the society : to abolish war, 
 both offensive and defensive; to disband the 
 army ; to cease the building of war- ships ; and to 
 convert such war-ships as were already in exist- 
 ence into floating hospitals or reading-rooms. 
 
 2. A petition from five thousand ladies and 
 twenty-four gentlemen of Barataria, signed on 
 behalf of the female sex by Theodosia Blue, Xan- 
 tippe Prodgers, and Angelina Eicketts, setting 
 forth the wrongs that they, who claim to be a 
 clear moiety of the human race, have endured, 
 and do endure, at the hands of the other half, in 
 being prevented by tyrannical law, and still more 
 
56 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 tyrannical custom, from being ministers of state, 
 field-marshals, generals, colonels, captains, admi- 
 rals, members of parliament, ambassadors, arch- 
 bishops, bishops, deans, archdeacons, rectors, 
 vicars, curates, lords chancellor, judges, barris- 
 ters, and doctors; and soliciting an interview 
 with his excellency to expound their views, and 
 set forth the remedy for the grievous evils com- 
 plained of. 
 
 3. A memorial signed by Sir Pump Handell 
 and Mr. Hyson Potts, and several thousand others, 
 setting forth that all the evils that afflicted Bara- 
 taria, moral and physical, all the vice, all the 
 crime, all the pauperism, all the madness, all pub- 
 lic and private misery, arose from the wicked 
 propensity of the Baratarians to drink the filthy 
 liquors called beer and ale, and the still filthier 
 liquors called wine, gin, rum, brandy, &c. ; and 
 praying that his excellency would forthwith, in 
 the true interest of the Baratarian people, com- 
 mitted by God to his charge, prohibit, under the 
 heaviest penalties he could possibly inflict, the 
 brewing and distilling of such drinks within the 
 limits of Barataria, and levy a duty of ten thou- 
 sand per cent ad valorem upon such drinks, in- 
 
A REDRESSER OF GRIEVANCES. 57 
 
 elusive of wines, as it was sought to import from 
 foreign countries. 
 
 [Memorandum. This petition occupied so 
 many rolls of parchment, and was so heavy and 
 unwieldy, that it required the united strength of 
 two men to carry it into my office and deposit it 
 in a corner. — (Signed) The O'Sullivan Boru.] 
 
 4. Apetition from Silas Meek, Fernando Bosh, 
 and fifty others, setting forth that all the miseries 
 of society are caused by the use of butcher's meat 
 — or, in other words, animal food ; and that if men 
 and women could be induced, or forced, to subsist 
 only on bread, fruit, and vegetables, the golden 
 age of innocence would return, and war and op- 
 pression and crime of all sorts would cease in 
 happy Barataria within the lifetime of a single 
 generation. 
 
 [N.B. Mr. Silas Meek thinks he can prove, 
 to the satisfaction of his excellency, that every 
 murder committed in Barataria can be traced to 
 the love of the murderer for pork-chops, and that 
 robberies and burglaries grow naturally out of 
 that selfish and cruel indulgence in the coarse 
 appetite which prompts people to eat beef. — The 
 O'Sullivan Boru.] 
 
58 BAEON GKIMBOSH. 
 
 5. A memorial very numerously signed, pray- 
 ing for the condign punishment of every publican 
 who adulterates the beer or other drink of the 
 people; of every grocer who fraudulently sells 
 sloe-leaves for tea, chicory for coffee, or mixes 
 sand in his sugar ; of every baker who puts bone- 
 dust, lime, or other deleterious ingredients into 
 his bread ; of every milkman who waters his milk, 
 or sells liquids for milk that are compounded of 
 unwholesome and filthy ingredients ; and of every 
 trader, no matter in what article, who either adul- 
 terates his goods, or sells them by false weight 
 and measure. The memorialists urge that it is 
 of no use to punish such offenders by pecuniary 
 fines ; that the only effectual methods of dealing 
 with them are to shut up their shops by military 
 or police authority, to confiscate their goods, and 
 prohibit them from recommencing any trade for 
 a period not less than one year, and not exceed- 
 ing two, according to the heinousness of their of- 
 fence. If such measures are found ineffectual, 
 the memorialists recommend a public flogging at 
 the cart's tail, round or through the respective 
 cities and towns in which they reside, periodically 
 at intervals of a month ; or the nailing of their 
 
A REDRESSES, OF GRIEVANCES. 59 
 
 ears to their own door-posts, as used to be the pa- 
 ternal and excellent method in the days of 
 Haroim Alraschid and among Oriental nations 
 generally. They farther recommend that no such 
 person, on being legally convicted, be allowed to 
 sue any person for debt for a period not exceed- 
 ing fiye years. 
 
 6. A memorial from the friends of universal 
 brotherhood, setting forth the enormous expense 
 of the diplomatic service of Barataria, asserting 
 that ambassadors are only sent abroad as spies 
 upon the courts of foreign nations ; that they 
 are retailers of slanders and tittle-tattle ; that 
 they never prevent wars, but often, by their 
 impertinence and ignorance, provoke them; 
 and praying that no more ambassadors or envoys 
 be employed, unless on special occasions, when 
 they should be sent to do their business, be well 
 paid for it, and ordered to return home im- 
 mediately it was concluded. The memorialists 
 urge that Barataria and its Governor have no 
 more moral right to know what is going on 
 in the courts and palaces of foreign emperors, 
 kings, governors, and presidents than people 
 have to know the pecuniary and domestic affairs 
 
60 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 of other people who live in the same street 
 with them, to the right hand or to the left ; and 
 that diplomacy is but another name for scandal 
 and mischief-making ; in short, that ambassadors 
 are no better than old women. 
 
 7. A memorial from the unmarried ladies of 
 Barataria, setting forth that breach of promise of 
 marriage by a man, followed by his marriage to 
 another woman, ought to be declared a felony, 
 and to be punished as such, by solitary confine- 
 ment for ten years ; after which time, the culprit 
 might be permitted to visit his wife, if she cared 
 to receive him. The memorialists also pray that 
 a man, if single, who seduces a woman be com- 
 pelled to marry her under pain of death ; and 
 that if he were a married man at the time the 
 offence was committed, he should be put to death, 
 to prevent effectually the repetition of his crime. 
 
 8. A memorial from the unskilled labourers 
 and skilled mechanics of Barataria, praying that 
 no man be permitted to work more than eight 
 hours a day, or to receive less than eight shillings 
 per day wages, whether he be skilled or unskilled, 
 whether trade and manufacture be brisk or slack, 
 remunerative or unremunerative ; that rose-water 
 
A REDRESSER OF GRIEVANCES. 61 
 
 baths be provided, cool in summer and warm 
 in winter, at the public cost, for the use of work- 
 ing-men, their wives and families, on the princi- 
 ple that cleanliness is next to godliness, and that 
 it is not only the interest, but the duty of the 
 state to provide that all its people be both godly 
 and cleanly. 
 
 9. A memorial from three hundred and 
 fifty-five unhappy wives, praying that divorce 
 may be made as easy as falling in love, and 
 that the law may impose no more obstruction in 
 wading out of the pond of matrimony than it 
 imposes on wading into it; and that his excel- 
 lency the Governor, in the exercise of that min- 
 gled wisdom and benevolence which are char- 
 acteristic alike of himself and his illustrious 
 ancestors, will take pity on the unutterable 
 miseries of the petitioners, by fixing the price of 
 a divorce at a sum not exceeding two-and-six- 
 pence; and that sufficient causes for divorce be 
 decreed at a day's notice, in cases of proved 
 incompatibility of temper, drunkenness, bank- 
 ruptcy, imprisonment by legal sentence, assault 
 and battery thrice repeated, the opening of a 
 wife's letter contrary to her wishes, or the loss of 
 
62 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 a husband's nose by disease or accident, or by 
 such incurable idleness on the part of the hus- 
 band as compels the wife to labour for the sup- 
 port of the family. 
 
 [Note. In the great republic of Atlantis, a 
 wife recently obtained a divorce from her hus- 
 band on the ground that he had been run over 
 by an omnibus, and had to lose his leg by ampu- 
 tation. She pleaded that she married a man 
 with two legs; and that her husband having lost 
 one by no fault of hers, the marriage contract was 
 invalid. The plea was allowed. — The O'Sul- 
 livan Boru.] 
 
 10. A protest against the use of tobacco, 
 whether in snuffing, chewing, or smoking. This 
 protest aims at his excellency himself, who is 
 known to love a smoke, and entreats him to de- 
 sist from setting so pernicious an example to the 
 people. The protest is accompanied by a memo- 
 rial signed by a dozen doctors, three tailors, two 
 shoemakers, five bishops, one lawyer, and a large 
 number of poor women (these complain of the 
 extravagance of their husbands in wasting on this 
 deleterious article money that would be better 
 employed in purchasing ribbons), setting forth 
 
A REPRESSER OF GRIEVANCES. 63 
 
 that tobacco is the source of unnumbered woes, 
 that it encourages drunkenness, produces mad- 
 ness, and deprives the new-born generation of 
 the proper activity of brain that ought to belong 
 to all, and does belong to all except to the sons 
 and daughters of confirmed smokers ; and praying 
 that smoking be discouraged, and if possible pro- 
 hibited, in the interest of civilisation itself, which 
 threatens to be lost in a new generation of fools 
 and idiots, produced by over indulgence in this 
 selfish and demoralising vice. 
 
 11. A memorial in favour of establishing a 
 National Beehive, in which, as among those in- 
 telligent and industrious creatures the bees, the 
 drones who could not or would not work should 
 at the age of twenty-one be solemnly and judi- 
 cially put to death, and in which the workers 
 should all be of equal rank, and receive equal 
 shares of the produce of their labour ; an ar- 
 rangement by which, the memorialists contend, 
 society will, for the first time in the history of the 
 world, be placed upon a natural and equitable 
 basis, and pauperism, with all its concomitant 
 evils, be abolished and rendered impossible by 
 safe, efficacious, and economical means. 
 
64 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 After I had read thus far, and there were 
 thrice as many more precis to follow, I thought 
 I would stop to draw breath, and rang the bell 
 for the O'Sullivan Boru. 
 
 1 Boru,' said I, ' there must surely be a great 
 number of mad people in Barataria ; an unusu- 
 ally great number. Is there anything peculiar 
 in the weather, just now?' 
 
 ' Such madness, your excellency, is the nor- 
 mal state of the Baratarians. It was said about 
 three hundred j-ears ago, by the celebrated Bara- 
 tarian poet, one Wagstaffe, in one of his noble 
 tragedies, that a madman more or less in Bara- 
 taria did not signify, inasmuch as all the people 
 were mad there.' 
 
 1 Find and mark the passage for me ; I wish 
 to refer to it. I don't think, however, that all 
 these memorialists are demented, though some of 
 them are indubitably so. How many more such 
 memorials as these have you to go through ?' 
 
 4 About a library full, and dry work I find it.' 
 
 ' Then sit down and take a drink and a smoke, 
 while I consider whether 1 will run the risk of 
 addling my brain by perusing any more of these 
 memorials for a month or two. It seems to me 
 
A REDRESSER, OF GRIEVANCES. 65 
 
 that sufficient for the day is the evil thereof, and 
 that if I receive these eleven deputations, whose 
 views are embodied in the synopses you have 
 made, and take them at the rate of one per week, 
 I shall have enough to do. What think you ?' 
 ' And more than enough, your excellency.' 
 < I think I shall begin with Miss Theodosia 
 Blue and the other five thousand ladies and 
 the twenty-five gentlemen. I think I have read 
 somewhere of a tavern bill in which there was 
 but one halfpenny-worth of bread to an intoler- 
 able quantity of sack or other wine; and it strikes 
 me that the proportion of gentlemen to ladies in 
 this petition is of the same nature, and almost 
 infinitesimal.' 
 
 'The passage is in Wagstaffe, your excel- 
 lency.' 
 
 ' Wherever it is, I think the quotation apt to 
 the occasion,' said I. 'I shall receive the ladies 
 first, hear what they have to say, and make them 
 hear what I have to say in reply to them. You 
 may go, Mr. Bom, and summon Theodosia Blue 
 and as many of her fair associates as the great 
 hall of my mansion can accommodate — about five 
 hundred, I should say.' 
 
66 BARON GBJMBOSH. 
 
 The secretary thought that five hundred could 
 find admission by squeezing, if they were not 
 very old or fat; or, as he put it, if they were 
 not afflicted with too much embonpoint. Having 
 made a note of my instructions, he drained his 
 glass and departed. 
 
 I duly informed Juanita of this arrangement, 
 and asked her opinion. 
 
 ' A parcel of old frumps,' she said, 'I war- 
 rant me, who have failed to get married; and of 
 young minxes who want to get married, and who 
 find no one courageous enough to propose to 
 them. I have no patience with such brazen, 
 impudent, forward — ' 
 
 1 Hush, Juanita !' I said, ' you must not be 
 uncharitable. If the poor women wish to get 
 married — why should they not? — and have failed, 
 is not that a reason for our sympathy ? And as 
 there are more women than men born in Bara- 
 taria, and all the poor ladies cannot therefore get 
 husbands, is not that an additional reason why 
 the path of life should, if possible, be smoothed 
 for these unfortunates, and why all artificial im- 
 pediments in the way of their gaining their own 
 subsistence should be removed ?' 
 
A REDRESSER OF GRIEVANCES. 67 
 
 'Depend upon it,' replied she, 'there is not a 
 pretty girl among them ; the pretty girls are 
 snre to get married.' 
 
 ' But if a girl be ugly, can she help it ?' said 
 I. ' Is not that her misfortune rather than her 
 fault? All women are not so charming as my 
 Juanita.' 
 
 'And you would say, if you dared, "not so 
 fortunate.'" 
 
 ' Nevermind,' said I, ' whether they be pretty 
 or ugly, I shall not pretend to face them alone, 
 and hope that you will support me by your pre- 
 sence. I admire all women for your sake, Juanita ; 
 and though I feel that my interview with the 
 strong-minded ones will be a formidable business, 
 I shall trust to get through it satisfactorily if 
 you will help me to receive them.' 
 
 So this knotty point was settled, and Juanita 
 agreed to do as I requested. 
 
CHAPTEE VI. 
 
 A 1-0RM1DA15I.E INTERVIEW. 
 
 Ox the morning of the clay appointed for the 
 official reception of Theodosia Bine, Angelina 
 Eicketts, Xantippe Prodgers, and the other learned 
 and accomplished ladies who were angry and 
 disappointed with fate, fortune, circumstance, and 
 the conditions of life in which they found them- 
 selves, Pamfoozle breakfasted by special invita- 
 tion with Juanita and me. Jnanita, strong in her 
 previously expressed opinion, offered to bet me a 
 hundred to one that there would not be a single 
 pretty girl or handsome woman among the ' lot,' 
 as she called them. ' It is of no use betting with 
 your wife, or indeed with any woman, for if she 
 loses she never pays; and I think your Grace 
 would lose your wager, if any one accepted it,' 
 said Pamfoozle, who was noted for his politeness 
 to the fair sex. ' If I were a betting man, which I 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. 69 
 
 am not, I would wager three to one that yon could 
 not collect in any part of Barataria one hundred 
 women, young, or old, or of middle age, without 
 coming to the conclusion that three-fourths of 
 them either were or had been good-looking, and 
 a full tenth of them beautiful.' 
 
 'But it spoils a woman's good looks,' said 
 Juanita, ' if she goes preaching, palavering, and 
 moaning about her rights. A woman has but one 
 right— which includes all the rest— the right to 
 have a good husband! Let her obtain this, be 
 happy, and hold her tongue about other people's 
 grievances.' 
 
 'Ah, Juanita,' replied I, as she looked at me 
 with an expression of countenance that appeared 
 to me to say, more plainly than any words could 
 have done, how fully satisfied she was with the 
 right she had acquired, ' but that's the very dif- 
 ficulty these unhappy ladies complain of.' 
 
 'No,' said Juanita, 'there are many of them 
 married.' 
 
 'Ay, but to bad husbands, perhaps* so that 
 
 their one right is not secured; nor, as long as the 
 l>ad husband lives, is it securable.' 
 
 'Anyhow,' said she, 'that's no reason why 
 
70 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 the creatures should wish to make men of them- 
 selves, by striving to be doctors, and generals, and 
 judges. If I were a man, I don't think I should 
 like a woman to be unwomanly ; or who was 
 either a judge, a general, or a member of par- 
 liament.' 
 
 Pamfoozle said little, but I could plainly see 
 that he was of Juanita's opinion. When at last 
 the deputation was announced, I asked him to 
 accompany us, and stand by my side, Juanita to 
 take her place on the other, while I listened to 
 what the ladies had to say. There was a great 
 rustling of silks and satins as we entered, and 
 a powerful smell of musk, lavender-water, and 
 other scents pervaded the apartment. Juanita 
 whispered to me that there was only one pretty 
 girl among them. I was too confused to look for 
 the pretty girl ; for the feeling that five hundred 
 pairs of women's eyes are scanning and observing 
 your height, your breadth, the colour of your hair 
 and eyes, the length of your nose or the cut of 
 your beard, the style of your dress, or your per- 
 sonal imperfections, if you happen to possess any, 
 is not such as to inspire a sensitive and sensible 
 man with confidence. I had screwed my cour- 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. 71 
 
 age up, however ; and, moreover, had prepared a 
 little speech in my own mind, which I was de- 
 termined to deliver. 
 
 ' Ladies,' I said, 'it gives me great and sin- 
 cere pleasure to see before me this goodly gather- 
 ing of the beauty, the intellect, and the tender- 
 ness of the better part of Barataria. Yes ; I say 
 it from my heart, and not as the mere repetition 
 of a parrot-like compliment to the ladies ; — the 
 fairer, and in some respects the wiser, half of the 
 creation. [Here the silks rustled gently.] I am 
 sorry that you should have any grievances which 
 seem to you to call for redress; and trust you 
 will believe me when I say, that if I can remedy 
 any evil that afflicts you, either as women or as 
 citizens of Barataria, I shall be most happy to do 
 so ; and in any case, to give my earnest attention 
 to all that you have to say [again the silks rus- 
 tled]. I hope, however, that you will not all speak 
 at once [an audible giggle], and that all of you 
 will not speak separately [another giggle] ; and 
 that no lady will speak for more than ten mi- 
 nutes.' There was a slight attempt to express 
 disapprobation at this last remark; but the vener- 
 able Pamfoozle held up his hand in a deprecatory 
 
72 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 manner, and the audience subsided into good 
 humour. 
 
 Seeing that I had finished, a lady, introduced 
 by Pamfoozle as Mrs. Theodosia Blue, stepped 
 forward, and explained that, as only three of the 
 five hundred were going to speak, and each of the 
 three had much to say, it was impossible, and if 
 not impossible would be unjust, to compress each 
 statement into so short a compass as that of 
 ten minutes. I yielded the point instanter ; and 
 while recommending the three to be as succinct 
 as possible, expressed my perfect willingness to 
 listen to them as long as they had anything to 
 say bearing upon the questions involved in their 
 memorial. All this while I was studying the 
 not very attractive appearance of Mrs. Blue. She 
 appeared to be about fifty years of age ; had a red 
 face, of which the reddest part was the nose ; 
 wore a dress that was of good material, but ill- 
 made (Juanita said she was 'a dowdy'), and 
 seemed to have no idea of the harmony of colour. 
 She was thin and above the middle height, and 
 had evidently never been beautiful or even good- 
 looking; her voice grated harshly on the ear, 
 like the rusty hinges of a great door swinging to 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. / D 
 
 and fro ; and her whole manner was querulous, 
 impatient, defiant, and dictatorial. 
 
 1 We reject,' she said, l the silly compliments 
 and the fulsome flatteries of man ; they are only 
 employed to fool us and keep us in good humour. 
 Men do not flatter each other, except for a selfish 
 purpose ; and their flatteries of women are degra- 
 dations to those who accept them, and are so in- 
 tended.' 
 
 ' No, no !' said a musical voice, somewhere 
 among the ladies at the far end of the room. 
 
 ' Yes, yes ! I say, yes !' repeated Mrs. Blue 
 with sharp dissonant emphasis. ' We are treated 
 as playthings [/ shouldn't like such a plaything 
 as Mrs. Blue, I thought to myself, but said no- 
 thing. Pamfoozle sent me a knowing wink from 
 his sleepy gray eyes] ; and we intend to be 
 treated for the future as equals, in right, in 
 power, and in responsibility. At present we 
 suffer not only from the insulting patronage 
 of men, but are prevented from doing justice to 
 our own natures and aspirations. We are treated 
 by the law as if we were goods and chattels, as 
 much the property of men — if we are married to 
 them — as their coats and their boots. [' No, no !' 
 
74 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 from several ladies.] Again I say, yes, yes ! Our 
 immortal souls yearn for higher and nobler work 
 than has been hitherto allotted to us, as if we 
 were only created to be drudges and to do all 
 the menial offices of men's households. Men were 
 not intended to be, and shall not be, our lords 
 and masters, or in any way our superiors. They 
 are our equals only, and not even that in all 
 things. We require that no office, high or low, 
 that is open to a man to accept shall be shut 
 against a woman. "We intend to be judges. We 
 intend to be generals. We intend to be ministers 
 of state. We intend to be members of the legis- 
 lature. We intend to be barristers and attorneys. 
 We intend to be surgeons and physicians. More 
 than that, we intend to drive out of their employ 
 the base poltroons and cowards and Jemmy Jes- 
 samies of the male sex, who compete with women 
 for the very lowest kinds of women's work ; and 
 especially we mean to prevent, if law and public 
 opinion will aid us, the sale of articles of women's 
 under-clothing by young men in linendrapers' 
 and silk- mercers' shops, who ought to be soldiers, 
 sailors, ploughmen, stokers, bricklayers, and 
 porters, or engaged in the performance of work 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. I 
 
 that requires strength of arm rather than deli- 
 cacy of nager.' 
 
 Mrs. Bine pansed here as if waiting for ap- 
 plause, and the applause came. She continued : 
 ' And all these ends we seek to accomplish, ask- 
 ing them not as favours but as rights ; rights that, 
 if not to be won by permission and reason, must 
 be extorted by force of arms.' A loud burst of 
 laughter — in which neither Juanita nor I could 
 help joining, and which brought a scarcely per- 
 ceptible smile to the lips, but a very perceptible 
 wink to the eye, of the great Pamfoozle — ran 
 through the whole assemblage, with the excep- 
 tion of Mrs. Blue and the two others, who, I 
 suppose, were the two that proposed to address 
 me afterwards. Mrs. Blue gazed around her 
 indignantly. ' I am ashamed of my sex,' she 
 said, 'for this unseemly exhibition. Are our 
 arms, then, to be despised by proud men ?' 
 
 ' By no means,' said Pamfoozle iu an audible 
 whisper, ' if they be the proper arms applied at 
 the proper times and places.' 
 
 Mrs. Blue suspected that he had said some- 
 thing disagreeable, and curled her lip, and her 
 nose too, it seemed to me, as if she would exhibit 
 
7G BARON GRIM BOSH. 
 
 ineffable disdain. Then, as if suddenly making 
 up her mind to be so utterly disgusted as to be 
 unable to say any more, she called upon Sister 
 Xantippe Prodgers to address his excellency 
 (me). Miss Prodgers prepared to do so by un- 
 rolling a bulky manuscript daintily tied around 
 with a blue ribbon, and stepping forward a pace 
 or two. The fair Xantippe was young and rather 
 pretty, and would haye looked much prettier if 
 she had not worn an epicene costume, half male, 
 half female, a compromise between the petticoat 
 and the trousers. She was announced as a tra- 
 veller from the distant but kindred republic of 
 Atlantis, and spoke with a nasal drawl, such 
 as I had never heard before, and which to my 
 unaccustomed ear was inexpressibly distressing. 
 Though the language she used Avas unmistak- 
 ably Baratarian, there was a flavour of foreign- 
 ness about it, to which it took me several minutes 
 to become accustomed. 
 
 'I have to indorse,' she said, 'the elegant 
 sentiments so ably and clearly expressed by my 
 friend and fellow-labourer in this sacred cause, 
 the world- renowned and incomparable Theodosia 
 Blue. When the so-called lords of the creation, 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. 
 
 i i 
 
 in the intensity of their arrogance and conceit, 
 dare to talk of the natural inferiority of women 
 to men, I point to Theodosia Bine as a sufficient 
 refutation of the impious charge. I assert, with- 
 out fear of contradiction, that woman is superior 
 to man.' 
 
 'In love and beauty, especially when young,' 
 whispered Pamfoozle. 
 
 Theodosia Blue looked at him vindictively, 
 though she could not have heard what ho said; 
 and then at me, as if I were parties criminis in 
 the unknown offence which she suspected, instinct- 
 ively I suppose, from the expression in his eye, 
 and the peculiar smile that travelled over his lips. 
 
 ' Yes ; woman has as much intellect as man, 
 with finer perceptions, and a more delicate sensi- 
 bility. She has an innate capacity for divining 
 truths, which nature has not granted to man's ro- 
 buster and coarser nature. It is time that the old 
 calumny to the contrary should be set at rest for 
 ever; and so strongly do I feel upon the subject, 
 that I, even I, Xantippe Prodgers, declare that if 
 Satanas himself, Lucifer, son of the morning, 
 the arch enemy of mankind, were to utter the 
 vile slander in my presence at the great day of 
 
78 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 Doom, I would give him the lie direct, and cram 
 the base libel down his throat !' 
 
 Mingled laughter and applause greeted the 
 speaker, as with hysterical animation she ut- 
 tered this portentous threat, and I could not help 
 noticing that my wife turned her head away, 
 and covered her mouth with her pocket-handker- 
 chief to prevent an explosion of merriment. I 
 must confess that it was with the utmost diffi- 
 culty that I too preserved my gravity, especially 
 when Pamfoozle blew his nose loudly and winked 
 at me during the process. 
 
 1 We do not expect — that is, we, the women — 
 that we can overcome the prejudices and the pride 
 of men on this subject, all at once ; but we can 
 make a bcgining with the law, if we are power- 
 less against public opinion; and we call upon 
 your excellency to aid us in our endeavours to 
 establish perfect equality. Why, for instance, 
 should not a wife go to law on her own account, 
 if she thinks proper, without sheltering herself 
 behind her husband ? Why may she not have 
 the sole right to the use and enjoyment of her 
 own earnings ? Why may not a woman sit in 
 Parliament, and even preside over it, if she 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. 79 
 
 can get a sufficient number of members to vote 
 for her occupancy of the chair ? Above all, we 
 call upon your excellency, in view of the dis- 
 tressed condition of many hundreds of thousands 
 of unmarried women, in all the great towns and 
 cities of Barataria, to decree that all men be forth- 
 with dismissed from the situations which they 
 hold in banks, post-offices, workshops, and in mil- 
 liners', drapers', and silk-mercers' establishments; 
 and that women be forthwith appointed to the 
 same.' 
 
 1 1, as a woman, object, and very much object, 
 to that proposal,' said a soft musical voice from 
 the far end of the room, ' and claim a right to be 
 heard on the subject.' 
 
 ' Wait till I have done,' said Xantippe, ' and 
 please not to interrupt the proceedings.' 
 
 ' Then have done quickly,' said the same 
 musical voice, ' and don't talk any more nonsense.' 
 
 Theodosia Blue, Xantippe Prodgers, Angelina 
 Eicketts, and half-a-dozen other ladies in the front 
 rank, turned round defiantly to see whence the 
 interruption proceeded, and there was a stamp- 
 ing, a tapping, a commotion, and a confusion of 
 tongues all at once, which betokened a storm 
 
SO BARON GRIMBOSII. 
 
 approaching. Pamfoozle was evidently delighted, 
 and said to me, in a cheery tone and a low whis- 
 per, ' Egad, I like this ! Look out for fun !' 
 Juanita seemed to me to be about as pleased as 
 she usually is when the curtain at the theatre 
 rises for the commencement of the performance ; 
 whilst I endeavoured to impose upon my face a 
 look of grave and impartial pomposity, though I 
 was more inclined to laugh than to look serious. 
 The noise increased. The fair Prodgers attempted 
 to speak. No one listened. Theodosia Blue came 
 to the rescue, and attempted to raise her voice 
 above the tumult. It was all in vain. Pam- 
 foozle waved his hand. ' Ladies,' he said, ' I am 
 commissioned by his excellency to request order; 
 and I humbly venture to suggest that you would 
 do well to listen patiently until Miss Prodgers 
 has finished her speech, or read her lecture, or 
 delivered herself of what she has to be delivered 
 of.' At this there was an immense outcry and 
 uproar, and a mingled Babel of cheers, huzzas, 
 hisses, cachinnations, coughings, and indescrib- 
 able noises. Pamfoozle again waved his hand 
 with good-humoured dignity. Cries of l No Pam- 
 foozle!' ' Hear Prodgers !' 'Down with Prodgers!' 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. 81 
 
 Pamfoozle, like a magician endeavouring to allay 
 a storm, made one other attempt at conciliation 
 and peace. ' Ladies,' lie said, < dear creatures, 
 charmers, joy of this mortal life, listen to your 
 friend Pamfoozle !' A fearful uproar saluted this 
 short address, amid which the shrill voice of Theo- 
 dosia Blue was heard to exclaim, i Insulting old 
 dotard, keep your silly compliments for those who 
 appreciate them— we don't.' Pamfoozle smiled; 
 and raising his voice, said, < Will the fair lady 
 who takes exception to the remarks of the last 
 speaker do his excellency and the assemblage the 
 favour of stepping forward to the front, that 
 we may be the better enabled to see and hear 
 her ?' 
 
 Again there was a rustling of silks and satins, 
 followed by a partial subsidence of the previous 
 uproar. Immediate way was made for the new 
 speaker to advance, and all eyes were turned 
 upon a buxom and handsome little woman of 
 thirty or thirty-five, with laughing blue eyes, a 
 winsome smile, a profusion of brown hair, a well- 
 gloved little hand, and a toilette that in every re- 
 spect was remarkable for its good taste and ele- 
 gance. 'It is Lady Julia Golightly,' said Pain- 
 
82 
 
 BARON GKIMBOSH. 
 
 foozle to me, ' and a very sensible woman she is, 
 and will flutter the dovecots of the Volscians.' 
 
 'Traitors in the camp,' said Theodosia Bine 
 to Xantippe Prodgers, loud enough to be heard 
 by the new-comer. ' If the women of Barataria 
 cannot be true to each other, how can they ex- 
 pect the men to be true to them?' 
 
 1 1 have but little to remark,' said the Lady 
 Julia, 'except that this meeting is not a fair 
 representative of the public opinion of the women 
 of Barataria. We, the true women and true 
 ladies of the land, rich or poor, do not want to be 
 judges or members of parliament, or anything 
 but the good wives of good husbands, and good 
 mothers of good families. Those who have bad 
 husbands want their own earnings to be pro- 
 tected, and I believe that that is the full amount 
 of the grievances of my poorer sisters. As for 
 the demand that men shall not be allowed to 
 serve in linendrapers' and silk-mercers', or in 
 any other shops which ladies frequent, I hold 
 it to be all nonsense — bosh — in a word, humbug; 
 and that if it were possible to enforce such a 
 stupid enactment, the women would be more dis- 
 satisfied than the men. [Cries of 'No, no !'] I speak 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. OO 
 
 for myself and scores of other women,' reiterated 
 the speaker, ' and I say boldly, I prefer, when I go 
 to a shop to make purchases, to be waited upon 
 by a man [cheers and hisses]. In shops where 
 women serve, women do not receive the same 
 politeness and attention that they receive from 
 young men. If a pretty woman has a purchase 
 to make, the ugly one behind the counter will 
 neglect her, or curl up her nose at her, or be 
 snappish in her answers; or if the woman behind 
 the counter thinks herself prettier than the cus- 
 tomer, she will not take the smallest trouble 
 to please her, or display her goods. I prefer the 
 men, and I say so openly. I like civility. I like 
 little harmless attentions, and I like the respect 
 which the one sex owes the other. I like to 
 see, from the expression in a man's eyes, that he 
 thinks me good-looking; and it's my opinion that 
 if such a ridiculous law as that proposed were 
 carried into effect, that not half the business now 
 done in women's finery would be done at all, 
 and that two-thirds of the young shop women 
 would have to be discharged by their half-bank- 
 rupt employers.' 
 
 A mingled shower of applause and disappro- 
 
84 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 bation, not unaccompanied by a few stray sibilla- 
 tions, scattered itself over the meeting ; but the 
 fair Julia was not to be disconcerted, and quietly 
 concluded by an earnest recommendation to wo- 
 men, whether young or old, to keep away from 
 public meetings, and endeavour to make their 
 homes happy. ' For my part,' added she, firing 
 a farewell shot or two, 'I'd just as soon be a 
 scavenger as a politician ! And if women are to 
 be bishops, and all the rest of it, why not make 
 them policemen — I beg pardon, policewomen ?' 
 
 Miss Prodgers started forward, waving her 
 manuscript above her head, prepared to renew 
 the battle. Pamfoozle, comprehending at a glance 
 the state of affairs, dexterously requested silence 
 for his excellency. I saw that the discussion, if 
 permitted, threatened to be interminable; and 
 taking the hint of Pamfoozle, resolved to say 
 my say forthwith, and dismiss the assembly with 
 fair words and good advice. 
 
 1 Ladies ! or if you prefer to be called so, — 
 women of Barataria and Muddletown ! I have 
 listened attentively to all that has been said 
 this morning ; and desire to express my fullest, 
 my tenderest sympathy with every movement 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. 85 
 
 and every question that has a tendency to 
 elevate the moral, the physical, and the intel- 
 lectual condition of women. I do not think it 
 ought to be considered a grievance by women, 
 but, on the contrary, a blessing, that men should 
 take upon themselves the harder and rougher 
 work and duties of life; and spare the physically, 
 I will not say mentally, weaker sex the annoy- 
 ances that attend upon the struggles of existence, 
 and the bitternesses of public discussion. It is 
 not a woman's business to govern, but to cheer ; 
 not to struggle, but to be struggled for ; not to 
 be one of a mazy multitude out of doors, but to 
 be a queen absolute, and a gracious princess at 
 her own fireside. Such is woman for the most 
 part among the rich and well-to-do of all countries, 
 and such is her position among the wealthy of 
 Barataria. If the women of the poor, or the 
 comparatively poor, instead of striving to become 
 doctors would become nurses ; if, instead of as- 
 piring to be orators, they would study how to 
 become cooks, and how to make a poor husband's 
 half-crown's worth of food go farther and be 
 more delicious, with good management and 
 good cooking, than five shillings' worth would 
 
86 BARON GRIHBOSH. 
 
 go without skill and economy, I think they 
 would do better for themselves and for the world 
 than by attempting an impossible revolution in 
 the relations of the sexes. There is abundance of 
 employment in Barataria for every honest man 
 and woman ; and I hope there are plenty of good 
 husbands to be found for all the good girls who 
 wish to get married. As for the question of men 
 in women's shops, that is one which does not per- 
 tain to the law, but to social opinion; one which it 
 is for women themselves to settle. If a lady does 
 not like to buy a pair of stockings or of garters 
 from a man, let her go to a place where she knows 
 that a woman will attend upon her. [I noticed 
 that Lady Julia Golightly listened with great 
 attention to what I said, and that she smiled very 
 graciously at the last remark.] In short, and in 
 conclusion, let me say, ladies, that home is your 
 realm ; a realm of flowers and sunshine, if you 
 choose to make it so ; and that, if you leave it for 
 the hard stony highway of politics and public af- 
 fairs, you will not only deprive yourselves of all 
 true happiness, but us also, the poor helpless men, 
 whom we all know that in your hearts you value 
 more than you do yourselves.' 
 
A FORMIDABLE INTERVIEW. 87 
 
 The bulk of the assembly tittered. Lady 
 Julia's face beamed with satisfaction ; Theodosia 
 Blue turned away in disgust ; and Xantippe Prod- 
 gers crushed her manuscript savagely in her 
 hand, and thrust it into the pocket of a mascu- 
 line-looking upper coat, that did duty for a mantle. 
 
 Pamfoozle added a few words. l The laws of 
 Barataria,' he said, 'are not perfect; what laws 
 are ? And there is much to be said, in fact every- 
 thing to be said, in favour of freeing from the 
 husband's control the earnings of a wife who is 
 the bread-winner of the family. But I must con- 
 fess I should not like Lady Pamfoozle, who is an 
 excellent woman, to be eligible to a seat in the 
 cabinet of his excellency as long as I have the 
 honour of a share in his excellency's counsels. 
 Besides, I am a friend of the little children, 
 whose interests, and even whose existence, 
 present and proximate, has been unaccountably 
 ignored by the ladies who have spoken; and 
 what, I want to know, is to become of the babies, 
 and of the next generation, if the women of Ba- 
 rataria are to do men's duty, without providing 
 any substitutes to do their own?' 
 
 Theodosia muttered 'fool' and 'tyrant;' Miss 
 
S8 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 Prodgers sighed that it was in vain to expect 
 justice from ' males,' as I retired from the room, 
 closely followed by the Duchess and Pamfoozle. 
 When I got clear of the ladies, I thought what a 
 happy man I was, to have married a kind true- 
 hearted woman, who did not pretend to he a 
 philosopher, although in reality she was one. 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 PUBLIC OPINION, AND ANOTHER DEPUTATION. 
 
 Barataria is renowned for the number and 
 the ability of its newspapers and reviews, and 
 for the independent and generally fair manner 
 in which their conductors and writers express 
 their opinions upon all social, political, legal, 
 philosophical, and literary matters. The eyes of 
 the press are turned everywhere. The tongue of 
 the press is never silent. The pen of the press 
 is never idle. The criticism of the press extends 
 to everything. Nothing is too high for it, no- 
 thing is too low. Knowing its ubiquity and its 
 influence, I was curious to ascertain what its 
 judgment would be on the deputation of women 
 to ' his excellency,' and of the manner in which 
 ' his excellency' had treated the questions which 
 had been proposed. I found that all the great 
 journals were agreed in bantering and making 
 fun of the ladies for their pretensions, and in 
 
90 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 approval of the advice I had given them they 
 praised what they called my common sense; 
 and one of them, said to be a great authority 
 among solid men of business, and all the heavy 
 weights of the country, distinctly stated that I 
 deserved the thanks of every husband and father, 
 for my recommendation of the study of cookery, 
 as something in which the women of Barataria 
 were wofully deficient. There was but one 
 journal that was dissatisfied with me, with Pam- 
 foozle, with Theodosia Blue and all the other 
 ladies, with everybody, and with everything that 
 was said or left unsaid — a journal commonly 
 known as the Malignant The writer not merely 
 hinted, but asserted, that we were all fools to- 
 gether, that everybody was a fool, and implied 
 or insinuated that there was only one wise 
 man in Barataria — himself; a man who knew 
 everything and could excel in everything, in 
 the writing of an epic poem, the government 
 of a great state, the cooking of a goose, or the 
 composition of a new Encyclopedia. When Pam- 
 foozle called on me next morning, I asked what 
 this extraordinary journal was, and whether it 
 had any weight or authority with the people. 
 
RECEIVES THE VEGETARIANS. 91 
 
 1 0, the Malignant? said he ; < nobody cares 
 what it says. To be praised by it would be 
 a serious thing for a public man ; but then it 
 never praises anybody, so that danger is avoided. 
 To be abused by it is a proof that you are 
 eminent or virtuous, and that you possess ge- 
 nius and abilities of no common order. If it 
 were not for the fact that the Malignant has no 
 friends, it might take for its motto u mil naura 
 de V esprit, hors nous et nos amis" I rather like 
 the Malignant. It amuses me as much as the 
 antics of the spiteful and voracious dragons and 
 centipedes that the microscope exhibits in a drop 
 of dirty water. The thing loves dirty water, 
 and draws its life out of it. It always gives 
 me the idea of the greatest possible amount of 
 wickedness and malevolence concentrated in the 
 smallest possible body, and with the smallest 
 possible power for doing any mischief.' 
 
 ' Is the editor known ?' 
 
 ' Nobody knows the editor, 'replied Pamfoozle ; 
 ' he is never seen. No respectable person would 
 even look at him, except for curiosity, as I do at 
 the centipede.' 
 
 ' But the writers must be known ?' 
 
92 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 * They are too cunning to divulge the secret 
 of their authorship. The literary assassin who 
 stabs you in the back does not wish it to be 
 knoAvn that he is the same man who dined with 
 you yesterday, exchanged a genial greeting with 
 you at your club, and once borrowed ten pounds 
 of you that he has never found it convenient to 
 repay.' 
 
 ' But can the law not put down this trade of 
 slander ? for it seems to me something very like a 
 trade, if these people earn their dirty bread by it.' 
 
 ' 0, no,' replied Pamfoozle ; ' such things can't 
 be put down by the law. Barataria is so very 
 free a country, that we must allow liberty of 
 opinion even to knaves ; and trust that the free 
 opinion of honest men will be strong enough to 
 render the trade of knaves unprofitable.' 
 
 'I have read over this thing very carefully,' 
 said I, ' and find that the writers are very savage 
 and unjust to authors, and treat the publication 
 of a book as if it were a penal offence. Do you 
 mean to say that there is no law of libel in Ba- 
 rataria ?' 
 
 'Plenty of law. If the Malignant 7 or any 
 other journal, were to say of your excellency's 
 
RECEIVES THE VEGETARIANS. 93 
 
 baker, mentioning his name and address, that 
 he sold bad bread ; or of your excellency's wine 
 merchant, that he adulterated his drinks, and 
 systematically sold you gooseberry, worth six- 
 pence a bottle, for champagne, for which he 
 charged you six shillings, — the law of libel would 
 catch him with a very hard grip indeed.' 
 
 'But is it not as unjust and libellous to say 
 of a writer of good books that he writes bad 
 books ?' 
 
 'Undoubtedly,' replied Pamfoozle. 
 
 1 Then why do the authors of Barataria, who 
 seem to me to be very able and meritorious men, 
 not put the law of libel in operation against the 
 Malignant and such papers as commit the same 
 injustice, and sue them for heavy damages? 
 Has not an author — say a poet, a novelist, or a 
 historian — the same rights as a baker or a wine 
 merchant ?' 
 
 'Xot exactly,' said Pamfoozle. 'As a man 
 he has his rights like any other, and nobody can 
 call him foul names with impunity ; but as an 
 author it is competent for any anonymous knave 
 or jackass to deny him all merit, and hold him 
 up to public scorn as a false pretender. A writer 
 
94 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 of books is, in a certain sense, considered by 
 the dogs of criticism ferce naturae — a wolf that 
 any presumptuous or savage dog or donkey may 
 bite or kick according to his nature.' 
 
 ' This is a lamentable state of affairs for a 
 great and enlightened country like Barataria,' 
 said I, deeply grieved (for am I not an author 
 myself, known in both hemispheres by my great 
 work, the Political History of Hunger ■, in twenty 
 volumes ?) ; ' and I shall endeavour to discover a 
 remedy before I have been many months longer 
 among you. I should like to assemble the 
 authors to discuss the question.' 
 
 ' I am afraid they would fight,' said Pam- 
 foozle dryly. 
 
 'No, sir,' said I, with a touch of ill-humour; 
 for I looked upon the remark as unworthy of 
 Pamfoozle, and only worthy of the Malignant, 
 which he had perhaps studied over much. Be- 
 sides, the esprit cle corps was strong within 
 me, when I remembered my own book, the 
 labour of many of the best years of my life; 
 and I considered it a higher glory to be a great 
 author than to be the Governor of Barataria. 
 'The authors that I shall bring together will 
 
EECEIVES THE VEGETARIANS. 95 
 
 not fight, and, what is more, will not even be 
 jealous of each other. A true man is never 
 jealous of another true man ; a successful man 
 likes every other to be as successful as himself; 
 and a poet, worthy to be so called, invariably 
 admires every poet who is as good as himself.' 
 
 ' True,' said Pamfoozle ; ' but then, somehow 
 or other, he never finds, or reads, or knows of 
 such a person.' 
 
 'Your experience is not fortunate,' said I. 
 
 'Perhaps not,' replied he; 'but when you 
 bring the authors together, I hope I may be 
 there to see.' 
 
 We were interrupted at this moment by the 
 entrance of the 0' Sullivan Boru, who came to 
 announce that the signers of the petition or me- 
 morial number four had arrived by appoint- 
 ment, headed by Silas Meek, Fernando Bosh, 
 and a dozen others. 
 
 ' Your excellency will make short work of 
 these gentlemen, I am sure,' said Pamfoozle. 
 ' May I remain ?' 
 
 'I shall be indebted to you, if you will. 
 Let the deputation enter !' 
 
 The O'Sullivan Boru retired, and after an 
 
OG BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 absence of three or four minutes returned, usher- 
 ing in Silas Meek and his retinue. A very 
 respectable and quiet appearance they each 
 and all presented. They appeared to be el- 
 derly, well-to-do, and prosperous citizens; men 
 who could afford to keep consciences and ride 
 hobby-horses, and whose names at the bottom 
 of cheques or any other documents would bo 
 looked upon with favoirrable eyes by every 
 banker, merchant, or lawyer in Barataria. Silas 
 Meek seemed to be as gentle as his name. He 
 was dressed with scrupulous neatness, and wore 
 the purest of white linen. He was at least 
 seventy years of age, and his abundant hair 
 was white as snow. I could not help thinking 
 as I looked upon him that he never could have 
 eaten anything but bread or rice, or drunk 
 anything but milk or spring water. Fernando 
 Bosh was a younger man, with red hair and 
 beard, and gave me the notion, which I could 
 not banish, that his habitual food was carrots. 
 An old gentleman, with a jolly red face, and a 
 large paunch covered by a glittering white 
 waistcoat, whose name was not announced, sug- 
 gested powerfully to my mind the idea of a 
 
RECEIVES THE VEGETARIANS. 97 
 
 diet of cauliflowers ; while three or four, who 
 had broad unmeaning faces, made me wonder 
 as I looked upon them whether they ever did, 
 could, or would consume anything but turnips. 
 The secretary, a tall thin man, with no stomach 
 to speak of, and a head of straggling and very 
 spare white hair, suggested leeks so forcibly, 
 that I almost fancied the peculiar aroma of that 
 respectable vegetable pervaded his frame, and 
 communicated itself to the atmosphere. 
 
 Silas Meek was a fluent orator, and chose his 
 words exceedingly well ; but I shall not trouble 
 myself to recapitulate more than the salient points 
 of the very long speech, which he hurled at my 
 defenceless head. He laid it down as an axiom, 
 that the primary duty of a wise government 
 was to prevent offences, not to punish them; 
 to take care that the horse should not be stolen, 
 and not to keep the stable-door shut after the 
 horse had disappeared. He asserted that every 
 man in Barataria who was convicted of any 
 crime, from murder down to petty larceny, was 
 an eater of beef, mutton, pork, or other flesh; 
 and that no man whose sole food was fruit, 
 vegetables, and grain, had ever on any occasion 
 
 H 
 
98 BARON GRIHBOSH. 
 
 found himself face to face with the law, or 
 been guilty of the smallest crime against his 
 fellows. He defied all the world to disprove 
 what he called these 'mighty facts.' Basing 
 his argument upon them, he contended that if 
 man ceased to wage war against the brute 
 creation to subdue and cat them, he would 
 after a while, as his nature became gentler, 
 cease to make war against his fellow-men, to 
 subject unwilling nations to his dominion; and 
 urged as a commencement of this greatly needed 
 reform, that no butcher should be allowed to 
 ply what he called his 'savage trade' in Bara- 
 taria, and that no man, woman, or child, should 
 be allowed to eat flesh of any kind, under any 
 pretence whatsoever. The eating of flesh, he 
 contended, not only produced the moral evils 
 of war, violence, hatred, and all uncharitable- 
 ness, but the physical evils of diseases in the 
 human system; and that such diseases, coupled 
 with the dissatisfaction of everybody with 
 cheap and wholesome diet, and their unnatural 
 craving for that which was costly as well as 
 detrimental, produced poverty in the individual, 
 and pauperism in the state. Furthermore, he 
 
RECEIVES THE VEGETARIANS. 99 
 
 added that the habitual consumption of flesh 
 produced in the flesh-eater a character similar 
 to that of the animal which he consumed: that 
 the beef-cater became either savage or stolid, 
 that the mutton-eater became silly, the pork- 
 eater filthy in his person, the fish- eater cold- 
 blooded; and that the seeds of all degrees of 
 madness, from lunacy to mania, were introduced 
 into the human stomach, and thence into the 
 blood, along with the blood and fibre of the 
 animals which men and women ate. He called 
 upon me to set a high example to the people 
 of Barataria, whom I was called upon to govern, 
 by publicly announcing my adhesion to the 
 Anti-flesh-eating Society, of which he was the 
 President. As a Christian, as a philanthropist, 
 as a statesman, as a legislator, he adjured me 
 to inaugurate this peaceful, this beautiful re- 
 formation ; and so hand down my name to the 
 remotest posterity as one among the greatest 
 benefactors, not only of the human race, but of 
 every beast of the field, every bird of the air, 
 and every fish of the sea. 
 
 There was a marked sound of approbation, a 
 buzz of applause, from the comfortable and re- 
 
100 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 spectable gentlemen of the deputation as Silas 
 Meek wound up with this little peroration. 
 
 Fernando Bosh next presented himself, his 
 red hair and beard streaming like fiery meteors 
 in that peaceful place. He had not the fluency 
 of the first speaker, and relied more upon sta- 
 tistics than upon figures of speech to prove his 
 case. He contended that the Baratarian people, 
 addicted to the vice of flesh-eating, consumed 
 each one, upon an average, a pound of beef, 
 mutton, pork, or other animal food per diem. 
 He would, for argument's sake, confine himself 
 to mutton ; and if the individual man or woman 
 lived to be seventy years of age, he or she 
 would in that time consume 25,550 pounds of 
 sheep. Taking the average weight of a man 
 or woman in Barataria at twelve stone — or one 
 hundred and sixty-eight pounds — which he did 
 not think was excessive, each Baratarian, in 
 his progress from the cradle to the grave, 
 would eat up, irrespective of bread, vegetables, 
 fruit, and other innocuous food, one hundred 
 and fifty- two times his own weight of mutton. 
 Taking the average consumable portion of a 
 sheep to be forty pounds, it would follow that 
 
RECEIVES THE VEGETARIANS. 101 
 
 in his term of life— if stretched to the allotted 
 three-score years and ten — every Baratarian 
 would eat up no less than six hundred and 
 thirty-eight sheep. Even if ten years were de- 
 ducted for the period of infancy and childhood, 
 and only sixty years for flesh -eating were al- 
 lowed, the individual would consume no less 
 than five hundred and forty-eight sheep. ' Only 
 fancy,' said Bosh, 'the feelings of an intelli- 
 gent, susceptible, imaginative boy of ten years 
 of age, if he were taken into a beautiful green 
 meadow, on a sunny morning, and told to count 
 one hundred sheep and lambs, innocently eat- 
 ing the tender grass, or drawing the sustenance 
 of nature from the teat ; if he were told, after 
 he had counted them, that if he lived to be 
 an old man he would not only devour all those 
 hundred gentle creatures, but two hundred, 
 three hundred, four hundred — ay, even five 
 hundred and forty-eight of them !' A murmur of 
 applause stirred the deputation, as a light wind 
 stirs the leaves and branches of trees in a forest. 
 Pamfoozle winked at me, and I had some 
 difficulty in preventing the smile that crept 
 over my face from exaggerating itself into a 
 
102 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 laugh. Bosh went on to describe the delight 
 which would thrill through the frame of the 
 same imaginary hoy, if he were shown twenty- 
 five thousand pounds of lovely bunches of grapes, 
 or twenty-five thousand beautiful plum cakes 
 or jam tarts, and perhaps a hundred thousand 
 rosy-cheeked apples, and bushes upon bushes 
 of ripe cherries and gooseberries; and assured 
 that if he were a good man, and kept himself 
 in good health, he should before he died be 
 graciously permitted to consume all these deli- 
 cacies and dainties, and never know what it 
 was to go mad on the consumption of blood 
 and flesh; nor ever suffer the pangs of gout 
 and other fearful diseases, brought upon the 
 human race by its cruel and savage addiction 
 to animal food. Bosh drew many other pic- 
 tures for my edification, and wound up his 
 discourse, as his predecessor had done, by a 
 personal appeal to me, to set a great and a 
 glorious example before the eyes of the people 
 of Barataria, and prepare their minds gradually 
 for the reception of the new idea, so that when 
 it became necessary, as it shortly would, to 
 declare the trade or business of the butcher to 
 
RECEIVES THE VEGETARIANS. 103 
 
 be illegal, and the consumption of meat an in- 
 dictable offence, the law would find the people 
 ready not alone to receive, but to obey it. 
 
 Bosh then retired, but not before handing his 
 formidable volume of statistics to Boru, for my 
 study and edification in the hours of leisure, 
 when I required light reading that would re- 
 commend itself alike to my imagination and my 
 judgment. 
 
 '"What would you do with the butchers,' 
 suddenly inquired Pamfoozle, 'if your scheme 
 were carried out? Would you compensate 
 them, at the expense of the people of Bara- 
 taria, for the loss of their business ?' 
 
 1 Certainly not,' said Bosh emphatically, if 
 not triumphantly. \ Compensate the evil-doer ? 
 no ! we would convert them into gardeners.' 
 
 The deputation was delighted at this sally; 
 and it seemed to me as if another member or 
 two would seize the opportunity to hold forth. I 
 thought it high time to bring the proceedings 
 to a close. ' Gentlemen,' I said, ' I admire your 
 principles and your philosophy exceedingly ; 
 and only wish that I could see a foundation 
 for them in nature and the laws of the uni- 
 
104 BARON GRIMB0SH. 
 
 verse. I love apples — I love turnips — I love 
 potatoes ; but I also love beef, well-cooked ; 
 also partridges and grouse, and venison, not 
 forgetting salmon and whitebait. Barataria is 
 a free country, gentlemen, and nine hundred 
 and ninety- nine people out of a thousand agree 
 with me; and you, the minority, are free in 
 these matters to do exactly as you please. But 
 then you must allow me and others to do as 
 we please. If you were forcibly to deprive us 
 of the beef and mutton which do us good, 
 might we not, being the stronger, deprive you 
 of the carrots and cabbages which do you 
 good? Have we not a right to a theory as 
 well as you? Suppose we lay it down as a 
 principle, that he who eats no animal food is 
 a poor weakling, who will rather yield to op- 
 pression than resist it, and that it is the inter- 
 est of the state of Barataria to breed strong men, 
 who will not submit to oppression at home or 
 abroad — shall we not compel you, if we are 
 so disposed, to become beef-eaters, and conse- 
 quently, as we think, more useful citizens than 
 you are as potato-eaters ? And wise as you are, 
 do you think yourselves wiser than the great 
 
RECEIVES THE VEGETARIANS. 105 
 
 Author of Nature? To eat and to be eaten 
 seems to me to be the great and divine law that 
 applies to the whole animal creation. Do not 
 the whale and the shark eat herrings? and if 
 they did not, would not the sea become so thick 
 with that prolific little fish — which I must say 
 I like at breakfast in the shape of a bloater — 
 that no other fishes could swim, and no ships 
 float upon the waters? Does not the swallow 
 consume flies, and the nightingale worms? and 
 is not this arrangement of nature a beneficial 
 one? And I do not think, gentlemen, when 
 you argue in favour of your own individual tastes, 
 to the supposed necessity of imposing them on 
 society, that you have properly studied your 
 Bibles. It seems to me, however, that Nebu- 
 chadnezzar did not take to an exclusive diet of 
 grass till he went mad; and though I by no 
 means impute madness to any of you, I think 
 the world will do so, if you once attempt, 
 or recommend the attempt, to make diet the 
 subject of legislation. Let every man be fully 
 persuaded in his own mind; and if he likes to 
 live upon cabbage, like a slug, by all means 
 let him do so. As for your theory, it is beau- 
 
106 BARON GBJMBOSH. 
 
 tiful — it is humane — it is tender, but it won't 
 work on this side of heaven. It does not suit 
 a world in which death is the law of all that 
 lives; and I am not sure, that even the apple 
 and the cabbage, which you eat without com- 
 punction, have not quite as much life and 
 feeling in them as the oyster, which you refuse 
 to touch. ^Nevertheless, as I meant to say at 
 first, I admire your gentleness and humanity, 
 and congratulate you on the possession of a 
 very harmless and poetic hobby. You are all, 
 or look to be, prosperous citizens, whom the 
 world uses well, and who have no real trouble 
 to afflict you. Under such circumstances it is 
 well for men and nations to have something 
 to grumble at. To be too happy is as un- 
 wholesome as to be too miserable. Life would 
 be intolerable without a grievance. Your griev- 
 ance is an amiable one. Keep it to yourselves, 
 gentlemen, and enjoy it.' 
 
 The deputation on retiring uttered its opin- 
 ion of Pamfoozle and myself, by declaring, in 
 the person of more than one of its members, 
 who spoke sotto voce, but still audibly enough, 
 that Governor Grimbosh was no better than the 
 
RECEIVES THE VEGETARIANS. 107 
 
 rest, and that old Pamfoozle was much too old 
 and prejudiced to learn anything. Next morn- 
 ing, that great journal the Daily Orach was 
 wise for once, and made merry over the vege- 
 tarians, without a word in my disparagement; 
 while on the following Saturday, the Malignant 
 fell foul of Silas Meek, Fernando Bosh, and 
 me, in the most extravagant terms, declaring 
 that it did not know which fool of the three 
 was the greatest — they for giving utterance to 
 such preposterous and ridiculous opinions, or I 
 for condescending either to receive or to argue 
 with them. 
 
 Clearly there was no pleasing the Malignant ; 
 but I thought to myself, that possibly some 
 day or other I might tame this wild jackass, by 
 dressing him up in official harness, and giving 
 him a place with little to do and much to re- 
 ceive. But was it worth while ? On reflection 
 I thought not; and dismissed the subject from 
 my mind, as unworthy of farther cogitation. 
 
CHAPTEE VIII. 
 
 I GROW WEARY OK DEPUTATIONS, AND ACCEPT ASSISTANCE. 
 
 Pamfoozle, the next time I saw him, said in 
 his usual jaunty, airy, and agreeable manner 
 that he had determined to give me a little bit 
 of advice ; which he would not have presumed 
 to do, unless he had known beforehand that 
 it would be agreeable. ' I myself,' added he, 
 ' never take advice, if I don't like it ; nobody 
 does, though everybody pretends to. In fact, 
 any one who gives advice that he knows will 
 not be taken, is a bore and a humbug. All 
 those people who come to you as deputations 
 are bores and humbugs; and the greater the 
 number of them that you receive, and the more 
 attention you bestow on them, the greater the 
 number that will follow on their heels to plague 
 your life out. It is as unwise to be very 
 
ACCEPTS ASSISTANCE. 109 
 
 civil and cordial to such people as it would be 
 to anoint yourself with honey to keep away 
 the flies. The crazincss of the philanthropists 
 of Barataria is unparalleled under the sun, 
 except, I believe, in Atlantis, where they are 
 even madder than we are, if that be possible. 
 Now, my advice to you is, that you hand over 
 all these deputations to me, to receive or not 
 to receive, to answer or not to answer, as I 
 deem best. I'll soon polish them off, I warrant 
 you.' 
 
 Painfoozle's advice only suited me partially, 
 and I told him so. I particularly desired to re- 
 ceive the deputation of which Sir Pump Han- 
 dell was the chairman, and Mr. Hyson Potts the 
 secretary, that I might confer with them on the 
 subject of the insane fondness of the male Bara- 
 tarians for beer, and of the female Baratarians 
 for gin, with a view of devising a remedy for 
 some, if not all, of the frightful evils resulting 
 therefrom. 'This deputation I have already 
 promised to receive,' said I, 'and I will not 
 break my word. But I shall be grateful to 
 you, if you will receive some of the others, 
 and get rid of them by the fair words that 
 
110 BAKON GEIMEOSH. 
 
 butter no parsneps. But stay, shall we not 
 look over the list together, and confer on what 
 is best to be said, or to be done, or to be left 
 undone ; or whether you or I shall say it, or 
 do it, or leave it undone ?' 
 
 'As your excellency pleases,' said Pam- 
 foozle. 'The first thing to do is to ring for 
 your secretary, and get him to read the papers, 
 ere we proceed to business.' 
 
 The 0' Sullivan Boru having been sum- 
 moned, made his appearance forthwith, and 
 having been informed of our purpose, was jo- 
 cose enough to say that he thought he could 
 manage, though with some difficulty, to bring 
 in all the documents if he were allowed the 
 use of a wheelbarrow, with the exception, how- 
 ever, of Sir Pump Handell's memorial, which 
 would require a cab, if not an omnibus, to it- 
 self. 
 
 c TTe will dispense with the wisdom of Sir 
 Pump Ilandell,' said Pamfoozle. ' His excel- 
 lency knows all about it. We will also dispense 
 with the wheelbarrow, if a flunkey or two can 
 be found able-bodied enough to shoulder the 
 other papers; and, by the bye, Boru, we shall 
 
ACCEPTS ASSISTANCE. Ill 
 
 want your presence and assistance to take 
 minutes of the proceedings; and as this is 
 likely to be a dry business,' he added, turning 
 to me, 'suppose we have some sherry, or some 
 brandy and soda, and steady our minds by whiff- 
 ing some of your excellency's choice havanas ?' 
 
 I was nothing loth ; and all the requisite 
 materials having been provided, we proceeded 
 to business. 'Society for the Abolition of War 
 — very good,' said Pamfoozlc — 'very proper, 
 very amiable — ought to be universal ; but 
 what state is to begin to disband its armies, 
 and break up its fleets? Not Barataria, cer- 
 tainly — by no means. It's all very well for 
 the sheep to abolish bloodshed; but what's the 
 good unless the wolves be willing? Suppose 
 we write to the Society of Universal Peace, 
 acknowledge the receipt of its truly Christian 
 memorial, sympathise with their objects, and 
 pass on ?' 
 
 ' Agreed !' said I ; ' and that saves one de- 
 putation, and a speech from Blethers, and per- 
 haps many others. But what will the worthy 
 Bluff — the gentleman who dined with us — say 
 to this summary treatment of his friends, the 
 
112 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 peace-at-any-price party, who turn the second 
 check to the smiter, if the first be smitten ?' 
 
 'Say?' resumed Pamfoozle; 'only that you 
 and I are knaves or fools, or a mixture of the 
 two. Never mind him. What comes next ?' 
 
 ' The petition of the ladies for women's 
 rights. But you've seen the ladies,' said the 
 O'Sullivan Boru. 
 
 'And settled them !' said Pamfoozle. 'Pro- 
 ceed with the list.' 
 
 ' The next is the memorial of Sir Pump Han- 
 dell and Mr. Hyson Potts, with a cartload of sig- 
 natures. His excellency has resolved to receive 
 this deputation himself.' 
 
 ' I wish his excellency joy,' said Pamfoozle. 
 'I would rather it was he than I. Pass on. 
 What comes next ?' 
 
 'The cabbage-eaters,' said Boru; 'but they 
 have been disposed of. We next come to a 
 memorial, very numerously signed, praying that 
 measures be taken against the systematic adul- 
 teration and poisoning of the food and drink of 
 the people of Barataria.' 
 
 'I think I shall talk with these gentlemen 
 myself,' said I. 'I cordially and thoroughly 
 
ACCEPTS ASSISTANCE. 
 
 11; 
 
 sympathise in their objects ; and think that a 
 murrain of petty fraud and mean swindling has 
 seized upon the retail traders of Barataria. 
 The disease in the body politic is frightful, 
 and must be cured in the present, and pre- 
 vented in the future. Sharp diseases need 
 sharp remedies ; and if my administration of 
 the affairs of Larataria lead to no other result 
 than the prevention or punishment of this huge 
 disgrace and evil, I shall be entitled to a place 
 in history. If a grocer sells sloe-leaves for tea 
 at the price of tea, and puts sand in his 
 sugar, shall he not hang ? If a publican puts 
 tobacco-juice or cocculus indicus in his beer, 
 shall he not swing ? If a baker puts bone-dust 
 or chalk into his bread, shall not his neck 
 know the weight of his carcass? — I would 
 hang half-a-dozen of such rascals pour encour- 
 ager les autres. And if they were not encouraged, 
 I would nail the ears of a good score of them 
 to their own door-posts, and brand them on the 
 forehead or the cheek with the words "Mean 
 thief," so that all the world might read.' 
 
 Pamfoozle's eyes twinkled with fun and mis- 
 chief as I spoke. 'Don't attempt,' he said, 'too 
 
 i 
 
114 BARON GEIMBOSII. 
 
 much, your excellency ! Let well alone. Every 
 age lias its own vices. The vice of this age, at 
 least in Barataria, is petty swindling ; and if this 
 particular vice were prevented, or rendered dan- 
 gerous or unprofitable, some other vice would 
 break out in some other direction. In some 
 eras assassination is the prevalent distraction 
 and dclassernent of the evil-minded ; at others it 
 is highway robbery ; at others adultery. There 
 is always some vice or crime a-going ; and I 
 don't sec that petty cheating is the worst offence 
 that could prevail. Besides, the petty cheats 
 cheat each other. If the grocer poisons the 
 baker, the baker poisons the grocer in his own 
 peculiar fashion. It's all right. And then you 
 must not forget, as the old Baratarian poet says, 
 that the pleasure of being cheated is as great as 
 that of cheating ; and that consequently an im- 
 mense amount of pleasure must be spread over 
 Barataria. Would your excellency stop all that, 
 even if you could ? But you can't ; and you 
 will only hurt yourself by attempting it. And 
 then there is another great point to be con- 
 sidered. The adulterators and shoddyites, and 
 the sellers by false weight and measure in Ba- 
 
ACCEPTS ASSISTANCE. 115 
 
 rataria are to be numbered by millions. They 
 are all liiglily respectable people, inasmucli as 
 they pay taxes, and possess votes ; and could, if 
 they liked, turn the scale against the government 
 at a general election. To meddle with them 
 overmuch would be impolitic and highly un- 
 popular.' 
 
 ■ Hang popularity !' said I ; ' who cares for 
 popularity ? Barabbas, the robber, was popular. 
 And was ever a great, wise, and good man popular 
 until after his death ? The unpopularity of deal- 
 ing with such rascals shall not stop me from 
 doing my duty as soon as my mind is made up.' 
 
 1 You can't govern Barataria unless you are 
 popular; at least not for long,' said Pamfoozle. 
 'This matter does not press. "Will you leave 
 these memorialists to me ? I'll talk them over, 
 and natter them and cajole them without com- 
 promising your dignity, or getting you into a 
 difficulty.' 
 
 'No,' said I; 'I'll consider of it. I feel 
 strongly on this question. But, as you say, it 
 does not press for immediate solution. Acknow- 
 ledge the receipt of memorial, plead press of 
 business, and promise that the subject shall at 
 
11 G BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 the earliest possible time engage the serious 
 attention of the government. What comes 
 next?' 
 
 1 The abolition of embassies to foreign nations,' 
 said the O'Sullivan Bora. 
 
 'Not to be listened to for a moment,' said 
 Pamfoozle. ' The memorialists must be snubbed, 
 and I'm the man to snub them. If this were 
 acceded to, Barataria would be of no more ac- 
 count in the world than Japan or the Fiji Is- 
 lands. Abolish ambassadors? I'd rather abo- 
 lish lawyers !' 
 
 ' Ah ! and if we could,' said I, smacking my 
 lips at the delicious thought, that I could al- 
 most feel the flavour of upon my palate, ' that 
 would be indeed a reform, second to none in 
 the history of all humankind. I will do no- 
 thing on the subject of the ambassadors until I 
 have cogitated more deeply on the subject of 
 the lawyers. Send a vague answer, and pass 
 on. The abolition of lawyers ! Delightful !' 
 
 'The ladies, on the subject of breach of pro- 
 mise of marriage, and the punishment thereof.' 
 
 1 I give that up to Pamfoozle,' said I. ' Pro- 
 ceed.' 
 
ACCEPTS ASSISTANCE. 117 
 
 'The skilled mechanics and unskilled la- 
 bourers requesting eight shillings a day, whether 
 or not their employers can afford to pay them, 
 and other advantages, including rose-water for 
 baths.' 
 
 'I shall smash those fellows,' said Pamfoozle, 
 'and there will be no difficulty about it. I shall 
 hurl Adam Smith at their stupid heads, and rout 
 them and confound them, as Samson did the 
 Philistines.' 
 
 I smiled. 
 
 ' "With the same weapon, 3-011 were going to 
 say,' suggested Pamfoozle. 'Perhaps so; but 
 the execution shall be just and sure, whatever 
 may be the weapon that I shall slay the fools 
 with.' 
 
 ' No,' said I, ' my dear Pamfoozle ; we must 
 deal tenderly and respectfully with the working 
 men. It is very natural they should wish to 
 have eight shillings a day if they can get it.' 
 
 'Ay, or eighty,' said Pamfoozle; 'but — ' 
 
 'But they can't, the more's the pity. I 
 shall talk to these men myself; and prove to 
 them, as kindly as I can, how baseless are their 
 expectations. I'll show them at the same time 
 
118 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 how they can make four shillings go as far as 
 eight.' 
 
 c As how ?' inquired Pamfoozle. 
 
 'By the carrying out of my great philan- 
 thropic project of educating the women of the 
 poor in the art of cookery; and by the prohi- 
 bition of marriage in all cases, young or old, 
 rich or poor, where the woman cannot success- 
 fully undergo an examination in the elements 
 of this great art, which alone is held sufficient 
 by all philosophers to prove the superiority of 
 man to the brute creation.' 
 
 'All very fine,' said Pamfoozle ; *you might 
 prevent legal marriage; but could you prevent 
 the coming together of the sexes without legal 
 sanction ? The art of cookery is all very well ; 
 but the art of government is more difficult, and 
 one of its elementary principles is this : " Never 
 attempt too much, and never attempt that which 
 you cannot perform." ' 
 
 ' These are antiquated notions,' said I, ' with 
 all deference to your ripe and matured wisdom. 
 I insist that reform and progress would have been 
 impossible in this world, if statesmen had always 
 acted on such a stand-still principle as that.' 
 
ACCEPTS ASSISTANCE. 119 
 
 1 It is the business of statesmanship to stand 
 still until it is pushed,' replied Pamfoozle. 'A 
 revolutionary statesman is a madman. A true 
 statesman should take many things for granted, 
 and not originate schemes, or projects, or ideas. 
 It ought to be sufficient for him to yield to new 
 ideas at the right moment, and not the fraction 
 of a moment before. "What is a new idea ? A 
 something that may be a total delusion. A fool 
 might have the idea, new to his mind, that the 
 explosion of a gunpowder magazine would be a 
 beautiful sight — as doubtless it would, if you 
 were at a safe distance, and could look on with- 
 out alarm for the safety of your own limbs and 
 eyes; but is a wise man to encourage the 
 very bright idea of a fool like this ? Bother 
 the new ideas ! When they live to become old 
 ones, it is quite time enough for practical men to 
 have anything to do with them.' 
 
 'Well,' I replied, 'there maybe some little 
 modicum of truth in what you say, and I will 
 think it over. But the cookery question is 
 greater than you imagine ; and I shall, with 
 your permission, receive the working men my- 
 self, deal with them in my own way, and talk 
 
120 BARON GKIMBOSH. 
 
 to them about their wives. No good can be 
 done without woman's assistance. What comes 
 next in the list ?' 
 
 'A prayer from certain strong-minded and 
 dissatisfied ladies,' replied the O'Sullivan Boru, 
 'to the effect that divorces in Barataria shall 
 cost no more than half-a-crowu, and shall be 
 obtainable from a justice of the peace at five 
 minutes' notice.' 
 
 'Will you sec these ladies?' I inquired of 
 Pamfoozle. 
 
 ' Cheerfully,' he replied, 'and convince them, 
 as a Baratarian statesman once said, that reci- 
 procity must not be all on one side, and that 
 sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.' 
 
 ' The next on my list,' said Boru, ' are the 
 gentlemen who protest against the use of to- 
 bacco.' 
 
 'You may snub ihemf I said to Pamfoozle. 
 'You and I are free to smoke; the}" are free 
 to abstain from smoking. What more do they 
 want ?' 
 
 ' Only to tyrannise over other people,' re- 
 plied Pamfoozle. 'All your great regenerators 
 of mankind are despots, and like the Inquisition 
 
ACCEPTS ASSISTANCE. 121 
 
 in old days, would cheerfully, and for the 
 glory of God and their own satisfaction, burn, 
 drown, hang, or quarter everybody who did not 
 choose to go to heaven in the way they chalked 
 out for them. Besides, if the people can do with- 
 out tobacco, Barataria can't' 
 
 'Why not?' said I . 
 
 ' Ask your purse-bearer, your Chancellor of 
 the Exchequer — I have not filled the office, 
 but I know all about it — and he will tell you 
 that the duty levied upon tobacco in Barataria 
 puts into the pocket of the government the 
 tidy little sum of six millions. Never was 
 there a more comfortable tax. Nobody feels 
 it; and if anybody dislikes it, he has only to 
 cease paying it by ceasing to snuff, to chew, or 
 to smoke, as the case may be. I'll take another 
 havana from your excellency. They are very 
 good. Thank you. — Get on, Boru !' 
 
 'There is but one more on my present list,' 
 replied the secretary — 'a plan for the establish- 
 ment of society on the model of a beehive, 
 and the annual or periodical extinction of the 
 drones.' 
 
 ' Meaning such as you and me, Boru, and 
 
122 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 his excellency,' said Pamfoozle, 'and the bi- 
 shops, and the lawyers, and the rich old fogies, 
 and the beautiful young girls of Barataria ! 
 Asses ! as if nobody worked but the so-called 
 workmen ! I do more work in a day — head- 
 work, the most valuable work of all — than any 
 score of them ! I don't think I would do more 
 with such idiots than acknowledge curtly the 
 receipt of their communication. "What thinks 
 his excellency ?' 
 
 ' His excellency leaves this to the wise Pam- 
 foozle, to deal with them as he thinks proper.' 
 
 ' Would that I could !' said Pamfoozle, ' and 
 the world would see a sight ! But no matter ! — 
 Life is too short even for thinking of drivel 
 and trash like this, though, if I had my will of 
 such bees, and there were many of them, and 
 it were worth my while to go to the needful 
 expense for brimstone, I would smother them 
 in their hives with a vengeance.' 
 
 I had never known Pamfoozle to be so 
 angry before, or to depart so widely from his 
 favourite character of pococurante. He appeared 
 to notice that I looked somewhat surprised at 
 his vehemence, and said suddenly, ' I shall, with 
 
ACCEPTS ASSISTANCE. 123 
 
 your excellency's permission, sec these asses, 
 and have some fun with them, or out of them. 
 What say you ?' 
 
 1 As you please ; and send them all to Bed- 
 lam, if it be practicable or legal to do so. Don't 
 spare them on my account.' 
 
 Thus our conference terminated. I resolved 
 to see two out of the remaining deputations, and 
 to ease my conscience on the cookery question, 
 as regarded the wives of labourers and mechanics, 
 and the beer and gin question, as regarded the 
 morals, the health, and the happiness of the 
 whole people. Pamfoozle was not to rule me 
 exclusively. He was all very well in his way — 
 an excellent public servant — sound in the main, 
 but antiquated, and not to be trusted with the 
 weighty matters of a social regeneration. 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 I INVITE THE AUTHORS OF BARATAR1A TO MEET THE STATESMEN, WITH 
 A VIEW TO THEIR MUTUAL BENEFIT. 
 
 - Who and what is an author ?' I said to myself 
 one morning, after I had arranged with my ex- 
 cellent wife, the Duchess, to invite the principal 
 authors of Barataria to a grand banquet, to meet 
 Pamfoozle, Bamboozle, Benoni, and all the lead- 
 ing statesmen of the time. ' Yes,' I repeated, 
 ' what is an author ? An author, it seems to me, 
 must be a creator, an originator, a maker, as the 
 Greeks called the poets. If such be a true defini- 
 tion, he who merely passes his opinions on the 
 political or other events of the time, such as the 
 Avriter of leading articles for the Daily Oracle 
 and other newspapers, is not an author ; neither 
 is the professional critic, who makes it his busi- 
 ness to praise or to damn the performances of 
 other people in the Proser or the Malignant. I do 
 not care to make the acquaintance of any of 
 them. They are no more authors than the wind 
 
AUTHORS AND STATESMEN. 125 
 
 is. What is a critic ? One who sits in judg- 
 ment. Any fool can sit in judgment, but it does 
 not follow that his judgment is worth a straw, 
 either in law or equity. An ass may bray at 
 Homer; a snail may crawl over the face of a 
 marble Yenus; and the cimex lectulariiis may 
 get between the sheets of the Grand Llama of 
 Pumpernickel ; and Homer, Yenus, and the Grand 
 Llama may be none the worse for the indig- 
 nity.' 
 
 I was cogitating thus, remembering the un- 
 just and indeed savage treatment which my great 
 work in twenty volumes, on the Political History 
 of Hunger, had received at the hands of the critics 
 of Pumpernickel, and resolving to have nothing 
 to do with the same tribe in Barataria, when 
 Benoni was announced. 
 
 The very man I wanted to see. A great au- 
 thor himself, one of the solidest links in all Ba- 
 rataria between the man of letters and the man 
 of government. I had a great respect for Benoni, 
 and was always glad of an opportunity of talking 
 to him; a man not only of mark, but of merit, 
 and who, as I have already said, had made him- 
 self what he was in spite of a thousand difficulties, 
 
126 BAROIS' GELUBOSH. 
 
 any dozen of which might have kept down a less 
 buoyant spirit and a less persistent will. I re- 
 ceived him with all the cordiality of my nature 
 when it meets with a congenial spirit, and 
 forthwith opened my mind on the subject of the 
 authors, and what batches or parties of them I 
 should successively invite to dinner, as well as of 
 the possibility, feasibility, and expediency of in- 
 viting them to a share in the Government. 
 
 1 Our first matter,' said Benoni, ' is one of no 
 difficulty. Great authors are always good fellows. 
 It is only your little trumpery false pretenders 
 to authorship, eaten up with conceit and jealousy, 
 who are disagreeable. I like authors myself. 
 "When among one another, I, knowing that they 
 are brought together to enjoy themselves, and 
 not to make sport for rich and vulgar Philistines 
 who invite them, and poorer and still more vulgar 
 Philistines who come to the rich Philistine's 
 table to be amused at feeding time, there is no 
 society in the world so enviable, or at all events 
 so much to my mind, as that of the intellectual 
 Samsons — I mean the authors — who have made 
 their mark and impressed their thoughts on the 
 mind of the age.' 
 
AUTHOKS AND STATESMEN. 127 
 
 c You express my sentiments exactly,' said I. 
 c It is my opinion also that authors of the class 
 you mention are the real aristocracy of a nation, 
 and that they should be called upon to take a 
 proper share in the administration of public busi- 
 ness. The man of the highest genius is always a 
 man with the highest possible aptitude for public 
 and private affairs. Take, for instance, Shake- 
 speare and Goethe. It is a delusion and a pre- 
 judice to suppose, as the Baratarians do, that a 
 man who writes poetry of the highest order is 
 unfit to be trusted with anything but the writing 
 of poetry. Whence do statesmen derive their 
 maxims of wisdom, if not from the authors of 
 their nation — the philosophers, the poets, the 
 moralists, the historians? And I am glad in 
 coming to Barataria to learn that such eminent 
 men of letters as yourself, Bamboozle, and Hooly, 
 have at different times been summoned to take 
 part in the deliberations of the Government, and 
 have held high office in the State.' 
 
 'Your excellency is right in the fact, but 
 wrong in the reasoning,' replied Benoni. 'Bam- 
 boozle and Hooly are only amateurs in literature, 
 and owe no portion of their political status to the 
 
128 BARON GRIMBOSII. 
 
 fact that they are ripe scholars and have made 
 excellent translations from the Greek. As for 
 me, though I am proud of being an author by 
 profession, I have found my addiction to litera- 
 ture an impediment and obstruction in my politi- 
 cal path. I have become what I am not by the 
 aid of my literary reputation, but in spite of* it. 
 The truth is, the Baratarians are so practical, so 
 solid, and, I may say, so stolid a people, that the 
 possession by a man of any perceptible degree of 
 fancy and imagination acts adversely to his in- 
 terests if he attempts to gain their favour. There 
 is nothing like bread, beef, and beer for build- 
 ing up the body of a Baratarian ; and his intel- 
 lect partakes of the character of his diet. The 
 Baratarians may admire a literary man who in- 
 structs them, but they don't read or buy his 
 books. They appreciate humour and a heavy 
 kind of fun, but not wit. Buffoonery, in short, 
 which makes them laugh or grin, is what is more 
 to their taste in the literary men whom they 
 most delight to honour. I fancy that it is not 
 this kind of writers whom your excellency de- 
 sires to invite to dinner.' 
 
 'I have a great objection,' I replied, 'to men, 
 
AUTHORS AND STATESMEN. 129 
 
 whether authors or not, who "are always on the 
 look-out to extort a laugh ; fellows who make it 
 their business to be funny, and who pump out 
 their fun by painful efforts : such are a grievance 
 in my sight.' 
 
 'And in mine,' said Benoni. 'Let us see 
 whom your excellency shall invite. A couple of 
 historians, a couple of novelists, a couple of poets, 
 a couple of travellers, a couple of metaphysicians, 
 a couple of philologists, and a couple of critics.' 
 
 'No critics,' I said: 'I object to the race; un- 
 less they are men who have justified their right 
 to act as critics by the production of better works 
 than those on which they sit in judgment ; men 
 who would rather discover a hidden beauty than 
 gloat over an obvious defect ; and who never for- 
 get that the duty and privilege of criticism is the 
 encouragement of genius. But your critic who 
 exclaims, "0, that mine enemy would write a 
 book!" and considers the writing of a book to 
 be an act of personal hostility against himself, 
 shall not sit at my table, drink my wine, and 
 shake hands with me, if I know it.' 
 
 ' I can find you some critics in Barataria,' re- 
 plied Benoni, 'who have won their knightly spurs 
 
 k 
 
130 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 in the full and open tournament of letters, and 
 can hold up their heads with the greatest and 
 proudest of authors. There may not be many 
 such, but there are some. "What does your excel- 
 lency, on reconsideration, say to my seven couples 
 — historians, novelists, poets, travellers, metaphy- 
 sicians, philologists, and critics ?' 
 
 ' I don't much care for the metaphysicians or 
 philologists. I have always found them to be 
 bores. For the metaphysicians, suppose we sub- 
 stitute writers on natural history — a delightful 
 science; and for the philologists, two writers of 
 plays ? 
 
 1 There are no writers of plays in Barataria. 
 Plays arc a foreign commodity, imported free of 
 duty,' said Benoni. ' But if you don't like phi- 
 lologists, what do you say to theologians ?' 
 
 ' "Worse and worse ! I will put up with the 
 philologists, for they speak at all events of what 
 they know, and the theologians don't. But yet, 
 on reconsideration, why should I divide the au- 
 thors into their kinds, as if they were beasts en- 
 tering Noah's Ark ? And perhaps one or both .of 
 the poets will not be able to come, or one or 
 both of the novelists, and so on. Better, I think, 
 
AUTHORS AND STATESMEN. 131 
 
 to ask a sufficient number at random, and trust 
 to chance for the ultimate character of the assem- 
 blage.' 
 
 ' Your excellency is right. Put the names of 
 a hundred of them in a hat, stir the cards about, 
 and invite the first twenty that come to hand. 
 So you shall show no favour and do no injustice.' 
 
 And the dinner was ultimately arranged on 
 this principle, with the addition of Benoni, Bam- 
 boozle, Hooly, and Pamfoozle, who were to be 
 present in the capacity of statesmen and poli- 
 ticians, not authors. Benoni was urgent in in- 
 sisting upon the importance of making the invi- 
 tations private ; for if the least idea of a public 
 or state celebration got abroad, he was certain 
 that at least a thousand ready writers, male and 
 female, would expect to be asked, and that every 
 one omitted would consider him or her self ill- 
 used, if he or she did not become my mortal 
 enemy. Benoni appeared to know the craft, and 
 I took his advice. 
 
 'Write me a hundred names,' said I, 'to be 
 submitted to this lottery.' 
 
 ' I would rather not,' he replied. ' Let The 
 O'Sullivan Boru, your private secretary, do it 
 
132 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 for you. It -will not hurt him, if it ever should 
 come to be known on what principle you acted in 
 this business (it is exceedingly difficult to keep 
 anything private in Barataria), while it might 
 possibly hurt me? 
 
 The O'Sullivan Boru was nowise loth, and 
 wrote down on separate pieces of paper, which he 
 carefully folded, the names of all the celebrated 
 authors he could think of, including historians, 
 biographers, essayists, novelists, travellers, moral 
 philosophers, political economists, reviewers, and 
 versifiers (he would not admit that there were any 
 poets except one, whose name he would not men- 
 tion ; but I afterwards learned that he had pub- 
 lished a book of poems himself). He placed all 
 the names in a hat; and at my request my dear 
 wife, the Duchess de Grimbosh, graciously con- 
 sented to draw forth the twenty, one at a time, 
 while Benoni, Boru, and I looked on. 
 
 The first name drawn was Buffer. 
 
 1 Who is Buffer ?' I inquired. 
 
 'Author of Solomon Redivivus, one of the most 
 popular writers of the day, inoffensive in the 
 highest degree, and a mighty favourite with the 
 ladies, both young and old,' said Benoni. 
 
AUTHORS AND STATESMEN. 133 
 
 The next was Bubble, but I spare the exact 
 words, and repeat only the general meaning, 
 both of Benoni and the 0' Sullivan, in describ- 
 ing this and the other gentlemen whose names 
 came forth from the urn — I mean the hat. 
 
 Bubble : a great musical and dramatic critic, 
 inclined to be good-natured. 
 
 Squeak : also a musical, dramatic, and literary 
 critic, not inclined to be good-natured. 
 
 Battle : the most popular novelist in Bara- 
 taria; a philanthropist and humorist, and the 
 delight of all circles. 
 
 Tattle : another novelist, almost as popular, 
 but more cynical, and a greater favourite with 
 the old and disappointed than with the young 
 and hopeful. 
 
 Poison : who had written about a hundred 
 books, none particularly good or bad. 
 
 Geason : who had written but one book, and 
 never intended to write another. 
 
 Honey milk : author of Cormoran, and several 
 other volumes of poems; almost as popular as 
 Buffer, especially with the young ladies, but not 
 quite so much to the taste of the old women. 
 
 Simple : author of the epic poem of Melchi- 
 
134 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 zedek; a worthy man, quite reconciled to the 
 present neglect of the public by the conscious- 
 ness of future fame, which however does nothing 
 for his baker, his butcher, and his tailor. But 
 he cares not for these. He is, as he says, a 
 marvel and a mystery. 
 
 Sparkle : the greatest wit of the age ; a man 
 who neither prepares, nor afterwards remembers, 
 his own good sayings, and every hair of whose 
 head seems to be an electric wire for discharging 
 flashes of thought, in which it is difficult to say 
 whether the wit or the wisdom is predominant. 
 
 Shelty : editor of the Morning Oracle, a 
 mountain of learning as well as of kind-hearted- 
 ness, and the friend of literary merit wherever 
 he can discover it. 
 
 "Whiggum : the great historian and critic, 
 and a statesman and orator as well as an au- 
 thor. 
 
 Twisty : a man who holds the readiest pen 
 in Barataria, and who will write anything, from 
 a dictionary, a sermon, a treatise on political 
 economy, or the differential calculus, down to 
 a farce or a street ballad. Never takes more 
 than a week for a volume. 
 
AUTHORS AND STATESMEN. 
 
 135 
 
 Ploddy : the Shakespearean commentator, who 
 has discovered no less than three different read- 
 ings in the plays of the great author, unsuspected 
 by any one before ; and who builds his fame and 
 Iris importance on the fact. 
 
 Wordy : the novelist. High up in the second 
 rank. Has written fifty novels, and promises, 
 that is to say, threatens to write a hundred more. 
 
 Slipslop : another novelist, who follows in the 
 track of Wordy, and who thinks he can excel 
 him in quality and overpass him in quantity. 
 
 Gumpaste : a manufacturer of books, who 
 turns them out of his literary oven as fast as a 
 baker turns out quartern loaves. 
 
 Misty : a poet who thinks that the more un- 
 intelligible a poem is to ordinary minds, the 
 better its chance of appreciation by the intelli- 
 gent public in the present and the future. 
 
 Carney : a man of genius ; a poet who writes 
 well, and will write better whenever he learns 
 that the soul is nobler than the body. 
 
 Cooker: the sledge-hammer critic, who will 
 not allow that any one possesses wit, wisdom, or 
 merit, except himself. In his own estimation he 
 can make or mar the fortunes of any author 
 
13G BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 whatever. In the estimation of the people in- 
 terested, he can do neither. 
 
 'Avery heterogeneous assemblage,' said Ee- 
 noni, ' a perfect menagerie of irreconcileahle 
 beasts, if they all come.' 
 
 They all came. They were of all ages and 
 sizes — from thirty to seventy, from ten stone 
 weight to twenty, from five feet eight to six feet 
 four — and gave me a very favourable impression 
 of the men of Barataria. They seemed to be 
 smitten with considerable surprise, when they 
 were all assembled in the anteroom preparatory 
 to dinner, and the few who first arrived looked 
 with undisguised curiosity upon each new-comer 
 as his name was loudly announced by Toole. 
 Cooker was the last to come, and kept the dinner 
 waiting several minutes, which I was told he did 
 on purpose, in order that he might excite the 
 more attention when he made his appearance. 
 He was a sallow, indeed tallow-faced man, con- 
 siderably beyond the sunny side of five-and-sixty ; 
 had a libidinous leer in his eye, a cynical curl 
 on his lip, a haughty perkiness on the tip of his 
 nose, and over all his frame a luminous glow 
 of conceit and assumption. I was informed by 
 
AUTHOES AND STATESMEN. 137 
 
 Pamfoozle that a wit combat between Sparkle 
 and Cooker was better than the best play ever 
 put upon the stage ; but that Cooker had been so 
 often discomfited, routed, and morally and 
 intellectually slain by the dashing and careless 
 Sparkle, as to have become rather shy of accept- 
 ing, much more of provoking, an encounter. The 
 pair shook hands, however, very cordially, but I 
 remarked that after the first interchange of ordi- 
 nary courtesies, they spoke no more together. 
 
 The company included the four statesmen, 
 the twenty authors, my chaplain, my private 
 secretary, and myself — twenty-seven in all. This 
 number was rather too many for sociability or 
 true conviviality. The result was, that the guests 
 broke up into little knots and coteries with their 
 neighbours, and that conversation did not become 
 general. In other respects the dinner was suc- 
 cessful enough : the cookery reflected glory on 
 the chef, the wines were of the premiers cms, 
 and the whole party were in good humour. Pam- 
 foozle sat on my right, and Bamboozle on my left, 
 and both of them contributed greatly to my 
 amusement, by the sotto voce remarks which they 
 made upon the company. I asked Bamboozle 
 
138 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 whom lie considered the most remarkable writer 
 present. 
 
 'Battle,' he replied, ' beyond all comparison. 
 He is never dull, writes . in a style which is 
 wholly his own, and keeps the public of Bara- 
 taria on the broad grin from one end of the year 
 to the other. His characters are all more or less 
 grotesque and extravagant, without being un- 
 natural. You laugh with his personages, you 
 laugh at them ; and if he wishes you to hate or 
 to despise any of them, you must do his bidding. 
 His pathos partakes of the character of his fun, 
 and in his wildest humour he is suggestive of a 
 clown in a pantomime, playing antics while his 
 heart, may be, is breaking with some secret grief. 
 And yet there is something vulgar about him. 
 No matter. He is as he is, and there never 
 was another writer like him. And I must not 
 omit to add, that his morality is as sound as his 
 politics are mistaken.' 
 
 ' And what about Whiggum ?' 
 
 1 0, Whiggum ! he's a great talker. Don't 
 let us start him, for heaven's sake. If he once 
 begins, he rolls on like a cataract, and never stops 
 even to cough or to blow his nose. He is a 
 
AUTHOKS AND STATESMEN. 139 
 
 brilliant writer, and would be an excellent his- 
 torian, if he could be depended upon for his facts, 
 or agreed with in his arguments.' 
 
 ' Tattle is a fine and remarkable-looking man, 
 almost a giant in stature,' said I. 
 
 1 He has a large public who believe in him ; 
 but not so large as Battle. On the whole, / pre- 
 fer Tattle to Battle. I like the flavour of olives, 
 and pickles, and curry, and caviare ; and I find 
 the moral representatives of these relishes in Tat- 
 tle's writings. His cynicism is as delightful as 
 the soupcon Wail in cookery, and is never so 
 strong as to become offensive. I think, if he were 
 not an author, that he would make an excellent 
 ambassador.' 
 
 1 Can he not be both ?' inquired I. 
 
 < no, not in Barataria,' said Bamboozle 
 quickly, < that would never do. An ambassador 
 may become an author, if he pleases — though it 
 would be better he should not — but an author 
 never can become an ambassador on the strength 
 of his authorship. Such things happen in the 
 great Bepublic of Atlantis ; but in Barataria, he 
 who is merely an author and lives by his pen is 
 seldom allowed a chance of public employment.' 
 
140 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 ' But I shall endeavour to remedy this crying 
 injustice,' said I, ' this error, this mistake, this 
 impolicy.' 
 
 ' I don't think you'll succeed : ask Pamfoozle ; 
 we're on opposite sides, but we agree in some 
 things, and I think he'll agree with me in this, 
 that authors ought to be kept to authorship, 
 for the sake of the public whom they amuse or 
 instruct, and for the sake of the language, which 
 they either improve or help to maintain in its 
 purity. The cobbler to his last, the statesman 
 to his craft, the author to his study. Ask Pam- 
 foozle.' 
 
 Pamfoozle agreed, as regarded the popular 
 author, that the best thing he could do was, as he 
 phrased it, to l stick to his authorship.' 
 
 ' But how about the authors whose writings 
 are too good, too high, too full of learning, to be 
 comprehensible to the multitude, or that treat 
 of matters in which the public takes little or no 
 interest, but which are nevertheless of value to 
 the community, and may be priceless in a fu- 
 ture age ? Shall they stick to authorship ?' 
 
 ' Yes, if they find a pleasure in it,' said Pam- 
 foozle. ' If not, they can take to something else.' 
 
AUTHORS AND STATESMEN". 141 
 
 'And let the world lose the fruit of their 
 genius and wisdom? And suppose they can- 
 not, from age or bent of mind, take to anything 
 else?' 
 
 ' That is their affair. If there are more tailors 
 in a town than the town requires, some of the 
 tailors, if they want to live, must go elsewhere, or 
 change their business. The same rule applies to 
 authors.' 
 
 'No,' said I, with some warmth, if not in- 
 dignation, ' it does not. The state is, or ought to 
 be, wiser than the public, and foster the genius 
 which is uncommercial, provided always that the 
 genius be genius, and that it be devoted to pure, 
 elevating, and ennobling purposes. The people 
 did not want John Milton to write Paradise Lost, 
 and a publisher scarcely gave him, for the labour 
 of years, as much as would purchase a week's 
 subsistence ; but if he had forsaken literature and 
 taken to tailoring or shoemaking, as you seem to 
 recommend, would not John Milton's country 
 have lost that which has since become an imper- 
 ishable treasure ?' 
 
 'No doubt,' said Pamfoozle; 'but that proves 
 nothing. If Paradise Lost had never been writ- 
 
142 JSAKON GKIMBOSII. 
 
 ten, nobody would have been the worse, because 
 nobody would have known the want of it.' 
 
 I found myself growing impatient, and in 
 danger of losing my temper ; so I confined myself 
 to remarking, with as much coolness as I could 
 assume, that I intended to make a change in these 
 matters in Barataria, and to elevate Literature 
 into the highest of all the professions : above 
 Law, above Medicine, above the Army, above 
 the Navy, and if not superior to, at least the 
 equal of, the Church. 
 
 Pamfoozle winked at Bamboozle. Bamboozle 
 returned the sign, and 1 came to the conclusion 
 that I should have no assistance from either 
 of these gentlemen in the great scheme which 
 I contemplated. I thought I should find Be- 
 noni more open to the reception of new and 
 great ideas; and after the guests had sat long 
 enough over the wine, and had retired into 
 the billiard-room to cognac-and-seltzer and the 
 inevitable cigar, I took the opportunity of un- 
 folding to him, to Sparkle, to Whiggum, to 
 Tattle, to Cooker, and others who gathered 
 around, that I meditated the establishment of 
 a great Baratarian Academy or Senate of Lite- 
 
AUTHORS AND STATESMEN. 113 
 
 rature, which should consist of one hundred 
 members. 
 
 ' By whom nominated ?' asked Cooker. I 
 thought I saw a sneer on his face. 
 
 ' By me, in the first place • at least, the first 
 ten of them,' I replied. ' The ten to elect another 
 ten ; the twenty to elect another ten ; the thirty 
 to elect a fourth batch, and the forty a fifth, and 
 so on, until the whole hundred were got together. 
 I think we should thus arrive at the crime de la 
 creme of Baratarian literature.' 
 
 ' I don't think so,' said Cooker. ' The dis- 
 tilled essence of venom, rather than cream, would 
 best designate the result.' 
 
 'Let his excellency proceed with his expla- 
 nation,' said Benoni. ' I like the idea, though I 
 foresee the usual difficulty; le 'premier pas qui 
 coute.'' 
 
 ' For the meeting of these gentlemen for daily 
 intercourse, as well as for public celebrations at 
 certain times and seasons, I would build a new 
 wing to the Baratarian Museum, and lodge them 
 handsomely. On each I would confer the cross 
 of a new order of literary merit, and an allowance 
 of a certain sum per annum as a reward for work 
 
144 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 already clone, and to enable them, as peers of 
 Literature, to maintain the dignity of their station. 
 If the state of Barataria required any literary 
 work to be undertaken — such as an inquiry for 
 public purposes into the moral and physical con- 
 dition of the people or any class of the people ; 
 into the operation of any particular law upon 
 their well-being ; into the state of manufactures, 
 agriculture, the fisheries, and any other source of 
 national wealth; or if the state wanted similar 
 inquiries to be conducted in foreign countries, for 
 the purposes of comparison with Barataria — I 
 would intrust the work to my literary Senate, 
 which should be authorised to depute such of its 
 members as it deemed most competent for the 
 task, to undertake it. When any such inquiry 
 was completed, the results should be submitted 
 to the whole Senate for revision, and finally pub- 
 lished with its sanction; by which means the 
 results would come before the world with an 
 amount of authority sufficient to command at- 
 tention, respect, and confidence. And above all, 
 gentlemen, I would intrust to my Senate the 
 compilation of a comprehensive, and in fact a 
 grand and exhaustive, etymological dictionary 
 
AUTHORS AND STATESMEN. 145 
 
 of the Baratarian language. For all these use- 
 ful and necessary labours I should pay the 
 members liberally, in addition to the pensions 
 attached to the senatorship ; and by this means 
 enable such of them as wanted to write books 
 that no one would buy, but that might, never- 
 theless, do honour to literature and to Barataria, 
 to give full play and scope to their genius, with- 
 out running the risk of penury or a prison.' 
 
 Many more of the company than those to 
 whom I first addressed myself had gathered 
 around me as I spoke ; and when I had concluded 
 began to make remarks upon it, which I jot down 
 as I remember them. 
 
 ' A huge job !' said Cooker. 
 
 ' Eot !' said Pamfoozle. 
 
 ' A dismal failure !' said Wordy. 
 
 'Bosh!' said Bamboozle. 
 
 ' A noble project !' said Simple. 
 
 ' A laudable undertaking !' said Gumpaste. 
 
 'Brilliant as fireworks, and as idle!' said 
 Bubble. 
 
 ' In the words of the wise there is wisdom!' 
 said Buffer. 
 
 L 
 
146 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 ' The inchoate germ of a good thing !' said 
 Misty. 
 
 ' A splendid piece of pavement for the lower 
 regions !' said Whiggum. 
 
 ' Ought to be tried !' said Shelty. 
 
 ' Might answer under a despotic autocrat, but 
 would never do in a free country !' said Squeak. 
 
 ' I should like to be one of the hundred !' said 
 Twisty. 
 
 'And I,' said Sparkle ; 'but I should attend 
 the meetings armed.' 
 
 1 The idea is noble and generous, and, to my 
 mind, difficult, but not impossible of realisation,' 
 said Hooly. ' I think his excellency deserves 
 our gratitude for suggesting it. I think also that 
 if made public, and debated, and considered in 
 the press and in society, something might come 
 of it in a hundred years from this time, though 
 probably not quite so soon.' 
 
 All things considered, I was pleased with 
 my literary friends; and resolved, on an early 
 occasion, to bring together another collection of 
 them. 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 I LECTURE THE SO-CALLED ' WORKING CLASSES.' THEY DONT LIKE IT. 
 
 As I had resolved to receive a deputation of the 
 working classes of Barataria, or of the people 
 who called themselves working men, and who 
 had sent me the memorial in favour of eight 
 hours' work, eight hours' play, eight hours' sleep, 
 eight shillings a day, and rose-water baths, I in- 
 structed Eoru to open a correspondence with the 
 signers thereof, requesting them to select not 
 more than seven of their number, representatives 
 each of a different trade, to confer with me on 
 the points in question, and such others as might 
 grow out of our discussion. After a delay of a 
 fortnight, during which time it appeared the 
 working men had had some angry debates among 
 themselves as to the seven who should be chosen, 
 and as to the trades they should represent, a list 
 of the deputation as finally agreed upon was sent 
 to Boru, and by him submitted to my inspection. 
 
148 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 It contained the names of Bodgers and Todgers, 
 Looney and Mboney, Bussell and Tussell, and 
 Bounce to make up the seventh. Bodgers was a 
 shoemaker, Todgers a tailor, Looney a bricklayer, 
 ^looney a carpenter, Bussell a painter, Tussell a 
 printer, and Bounce an engineer. As I had my- 
 self fixed the number at seven, I could not very 
 "well complain of any omissions, though I could 
 have wished that the agricultural labourers and 
 gardeners had sent a man to detail their griev- 
 ances, if they had any ; and that the cooks, a 
 very important body in my estimation, had been 
 represented by a master of the art and mystery 
 [which is no great mystery after all] of the whole- 
 some, economical, and savoury preparations of 
 animal and vegetable food. When the deputa- 
 tion was ushered into my presence by Boru, I 
 was pleased to see such sturdy representatives of 
 the men of Barataria — the elite, I supposed, of 
 their class — and particularly with Bounce, who 
 I afterwards discovered was to be their main 
 spokesman. Bounce was a man of about fifty 
 years of age, had a ruddy complexion, clear gray 
 eyes, a prominent nose — always a good sign of a 
 large brain — a high forehead, to which baldness 
 
LECTURES THE WORKTNG-CL ASSES. 149 
 
 contributed an appearance of extra height which 
 did not belong to it, a confident manner, and a 
 ready command of language. Mooney, the car- 
 penter, looked as if he smelt of gin and tobacco, 
 though he was not near enough to me to convince 
 my olfactory nerves as powerfully as he had con- 
 vinced my eyes. Over Todgers, the tailor, there 
 hung a similar suspicion in my mind. The others 
 presented nothing very remarkable, but seemed 
 to be fair specimens of men who, whatever their 
 trade, business, or profession, would have worked 
 themselves up into authority in it. I took the 
 initiative in the proceedings, for I wanted to let 
 them know that my ideas on the subject of work 
 and the working classes were wider than theirs, 
 and to clear away some misconceptions which 
 seemed to possess their minds, before we pro- 
 ceeded to the discussion of the demands which 
 they proposed to make upon the state of Barataria. 
 ' Gentlemen,' said I, ' let us understand each 
 other. I am glad that you visit me as working 
 men, and glad to receive you as men who labour 
 honestly with their hands for their daily bread ; 
 but I cannot recognise you as representatives of 
 all the working classes of Earataria. You arc 
 
150 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 artificers and labourers, skilled or unskilled work- 
 men ; but you are not deputed to come to me by 
 all the real working classes of this republic. It 
 is a mistake to suppose that those who work with 
 their hands are the workers par excellence, and 
 that those who work with their intellect or their 
 brains have not as much right to thrust them- 
 selves forward as representatives of the working 
 classes as you have. Doth not a physician work ? 
 Doth not a surgeon work ? Doth not a barrister 
 work ? Doth not an attorney work ? Doth not an 
 architect work? Doth not a merchant work? 
 Doth not a poet work ? Doth not an author of 
 good books work ? Doth not a statesman work ? 
 And do not I, Herman Grimbosh, Doctor of 
 Philosophy, and Governor of Barataria, work ? 
 and work uncommonly hard too ? And is not 
 our work as good as yours ? Answer me those 
 questions.' 
 
 ' No doubt,' said Bounce, with an autocratic 
 wave of his hand, as if the question were not worth 
 entertaining. ' People can work with their heads 
 as well as with their hands ; but such people can 
 take care of themselves, and do. We don't repre- 
 sent them, and don't want to ; we only speak on 
 
LECTURES THE WORKING-CLASSES. 151 
 
 behalf of labourers and artisans, who are ground 
 down to the dust by capitalists and professional 
 men, and don't intend to be ground down any 
 longer.' 
 
 'We shall come to your intentions by and 
 by,' I replied. ' And you will find in me the 
 friend of the artisans and labourers of Barataria. 
 But you must speak as such, and describe your- 
 selves as such, if our interview is to be satisfac- 
 tory either to you or to me.' 
 
 < I think his excellency is right,' said Bodgers 
 the shoemaker. ' We are not the working classes, 
 but only a portion of the working classes ; and 
 the name has been given to us, not by ourselves, 
 but by the newspapers: we are labourers, me- 
 chanics, and artisans— nothing more, nothing less.' 
 ' Sir,' said I, addressing myself to Boclgers, 
 1 in that character I receive you, and shall be 
 happy to talk to you ; and do not think I under- 
 value you because you are labourers, mechanics, 
 and artisans— nothing more, nothing less. Every 
 handicraft that is useful is respectable, and the 
 world could not prosper or get on comfortably 
 without all of you. Do you mend shoes as well 
 as make them, Mr. Bodgers?' 
 
15 2 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 1 1 do ; I shall be happy to mend for your ex- 
 cellency.' 
 
 ' Your craft is a very intellectual as well as 
 useful one. Cobbling is not only an art but a 
 profession. I am a cobbler ; so is every king, em- 
 peror, president, governor, statesman, and law- 
 maker in every country in the world. Statesman- 
 ship, or the art of government, is but cobbling at 
 the best, and sometimes very bad cobbling too.' 
 
 Bodgers laughed, as did the rest of the de- 
 putation, with the exception of Bounce. 
 
 ' Tailoring, too, is a noble art,' I said, turning 
 to Todgers, i and the most ancient in the world, 
 except gardening, both of which originated in Pa- 
 radise. I wish you had brought a gardener along 
 with you ; and should like to know why, in your 
 agitation for an improvement in your own con- 
 dition and that of labourers generally, you do not 
 invite the cooperation of the agricultural classes : 
 the ploughmen, the hedgers, the ditchers, and 
 the shepherds.' 
 
 1 Ours is a town and city organisation,' said 
 Bounce, in a tone both of authority and impa- 
 tience. ' We have nothing to do with country 
 bumpkins, as is too ignorant to unite, even with 
 
LECTURES THE WORKING-CLASSES. Ic3 
 
 themselves, for mutual advantage, let alone with 
 us. We consider the agricultural labourers of Ba- 
 rataria to be no better than slaves, and the worst 
 kind of slaves (because they are willing and un- 
 complaining), to capital and the aristocracy, and 
 not fit, in their present state of ignorance and 
 stupidity, to row in the same boat with the skilled 
 mechanics. But we don't come here to talk 
 to your excellency of them; we come to explain 
 our own wants and wishes, and not to speak about 
 clodhoppers, of whom we know nothing.' 
 
 'Very well,' said I ; 'leave the clodhoppers 
 alone, and we will proceed to business and to the 
 examination of the five points on which you have 
 expatiated in the memorial which you have ad- 
 dressed to me — namely, the four eights and the 
 rose-water bath. First of all, let me tell you 
 frankly and unreservedly, that I think your dis- 
 tribution of the twenty-four hours of the day into 
 three equal parts — one for work, one for play, and 
 one for sleep — is an excellent, but not by any 
 means a novel, idea. I think I have read of it 
 among the Greeks. If a man do eight hours of 
 honest work daily — I mean strictly honest work 
 — and as much — not as little — as he can possibly 
 
154 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 perform in the time, he is entitled to dispose of 
 the other sixteen hours as he pleases ; and in my 
 opinion cannot do better than devote one half to 
 sleej} and the other half to rational amusement, 
 or snch study as pleases him, and the society and 
 conversation »of his Mends or his family. Touch- 
 ing the eight shillings, which are the wages you 
 consider equitable for the eight hours' work 
 which you are inclined to do, I see no objection 
 to your receiving it, provided you can get anybody 
 to give it to you. If the labour be worth the 
 money, it will be yours ; if not worth the money, 
 not all the fleets and armies of Barataria could 
 conquer it for you. But why eight shillings? 
 Why not nine, ten, or eighteen ! That you put 
 forward such a demand proves that you have 
 not studied — or, if you have studied, that you do 
 not understand — the great economic laws that 
 govern trade, commerce, society, and the whole 
 universe. Out of nothing nothing comes. This 
 is an old, a very old adage, which I do not think 
 you can have taken to heart. The man who di- 
 rects a great establishment, and employs, let me 
 say, one hundred, two hundred, or five hundred 
 men, must reserve and receive something for him- 
 
LECTUEES THE WOKKING-CLASSES. 155 
 
 self out of the profits of his business. He must 
 live as well as his work-people. He must bring 
 up his family, he must pay rent and taxes ; he 
 must repair his machinery, or replace it when it 
 is worn out ; he must run the risk of bad debts 
 and other contingencies; and if, when all these 
 things are calculated to a penny, he finds he can- 
 not afford to pay his one hundred, his two hun- 
 dred, or his five hundred men more than six shil- 
 lings a day, whence is he to procure the extra 
 two shillings to make up the eight, which you 
 seem to consider your right ?' 
 
 'From the government,' said Bounce. 
 ' From the government ? Very well. And 
 where is the government to get the money? 
 The government has no private fortune, and if it 
 had, the fortune would not last long, if expended 
 unproductively. You must know, — an intelligent 
 body of working men like you — and my friend, 
 if he will permit me to call him so, Mr. Bodgers, 
 the shoemaker and cobbler, will agree, I am sure, 
 with what I say — that no government in any 
 state or time has had, or can have, any money 
 but such as it extracts from the willing or un- 
 willing pockets of the people.' 
 
156 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 'Unwilling,' said Bodgers. 
 
 ' Most unwilling,' said Bounce. 
 
 'That being conceded, whence ■would, the 
 money come to supplement the five or six shil- 
 lings that the employer of labour could afford to 
 pay his workpeople without bankruptcy and ruin, 
 except from the whole people, inclusive of the 
 workmen themselves ? And how would it benefit 
 the working people, I should like to know, if the 
 state were with one hand to make up the differ- 
 ence between six and eight shillings a day, and 
 with the other hand to take away two, and pos- 
 sibly three, shillings as their share of the tax- 
 ation, necessary to support this extravagant and 
 profitless outlay ? Gentlemen, I wish with all 
 my heart that each of you received eight shil- 
 lings a day, and hope you may get it. Try, by 
 all means ; and if failure be the result, bear the 
 failure with philosophical equanimity, and make 
 the best use of such wage as the inexorable 
 necessities of trade and commerce will allow. 
 As for the fifth point, rose-water baths for the 
 working classes, to be provided by the govern- 
 ment, I can only say, that if such luxuries are 
 established, I, as one of the working classes, must 
 
LECTURES THE WORKING-CLASSES. 157 
 
 claim the privilege to enjoy them. So must the 
 doctors, lawyers, bishops, merchants, statesmen, 
 clerks, authors, musicians, sculptors, painters, 
 play-actors, and all the rest of us, who do some- 
 thing either for the reward of bread or the reward 
 of honour and glory. And then comes the ques- 
 tion of expense, together with other little business 
 details, which will recommend themselves to the 
 study of such business men as you all are. A 
 plain bath of cold or warm water is good enough 
 for me, and I think, if I want anything better, I 
 ought to pay for it. I am also of opinion that if 
 you, gentlemen, want rose-water baths, you also 
 should pay for them, or go without. And this 
 brings me to what I consider — excuse my plain- 
 speaking — the great fault and vice of your class, 
 your constant demand that wealthier people or the 
 government should do on your behalf what you 
 ought to do for yourselves. I suppose I do not ex- 
 aggerate when I say, that there are at least two 
 millions of handicraftsmen, labourers, mechanics, 
 and skilled or unskilled workmen in Barataria ?' 
 
 ' At least,' said the cobbler. 
 
 ' Let me speak,' interposed Bounce, with an 
 indignant look towards Bodgers; who returned 
 
158 BARON GBJHBOSH. 
 
 his glare unabashed. 'There are nearer three 
 millions than two; and, including their wives and 
 families, from six to seven millions.' 
 
 'Take the adult males at two millions,' I 
 continued, looking towards Bodgers, and not to 
 Bounce; 'and consider what a sum of money- 
 might be annually saved, if every one of these, 
 without exception, would deprive himself, once 
 every week, of the pint of beer which he daily 
 allows himself. I only stipulate for the self-de- 
 nial to the extent of one pint out of seven ; and 
 some of you, I know, drink a quart a day, and a 
 great deal more.' 
 
 ' ~No. no !' said Bounce. 
 
 ' Yes, yes !' said Bodgers and Todgers, and 
 Mooney and Looney. 
 
 ' Well, I think I am moderate in asking but 
 for the one pint a week, costing 2d., which in the 
 year would amount to 8s. Sd. per man ; multiply 
 8s. Sd. by 2,000,000, and you would have the 
 handsome sum of 208,000,000 of pence, or 
 866,666/. 13,s. 4c?. per annum, as a fund for the 
 permanent benefit of the working people, either 
 for the establishment of rose-water baths, or for 
 any better purpose. In six years your capital, 
 
LECTURES THE WORKING-CLASSES. 159 
 
 gentlemen, would amount to the magnificent sum 
 of 5,200,000^. sterling. After that consummation 
 had been reached, who would be the bloated cap- 
 italists ? You yourselves, I think, would be the 
 most bloated of all the capitalists in Barataria ; 
 and might inaugurate and complete countless 
 well-considered schemes for the permanent eleva- 
 tion of your class, and of one another ; and cease 
 to ask government to do that for you which 
 governments are utterly incompetent and power- 
 less to perform.' 
 
 1 Your excellency forgets the difficulty of una- 
 nimity,' said Bounce. ' It has been said that in 
 some beds, if the fleas were unanimous, they 
 could turn a man upon the floor, and afterwards 
 drag him out of the room and pitch him down- 
 stairs. We, no doubt, could do what you say; 
 but we are not unanimous, or anything like it.' 
 
 ' Then try to become unanimous for a good 
 object ; or at least, until you have become unani- 
 mous, forbear from asking the State to do that 
 for you which is impossible, and which, if it 
 were not impossible, would be injudicious and 
 injurious.' 
 
 1 And is this all the encouragement your 
 
1G0 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 excellency can give us?' inquired the cobbler — 
 timidly enough, but very respectfully. 
 
 ' No, not all. I can give you the encourage- 
 ment which was given to the waggoner in iEsop's 
 fable, who implored the aid of the heavenly go- 
 vernment to get his waggon-wheel out of the 
 rut. Don't ask any government, or any power, 
 or any person to help you. Help yourselves ! 
 It is old advice, but ever new. Unwelcome 
 advice, but always valuable. And I not only 
 tell you to help yourselves, but how to help 
 yourselves. In the first place, economise and 
 systematise your resources, if only to the ex- 
 tent of twopence per week, until a fund is 
 accumulated ; second, never marry till you have 
 found not merely a woman that is pleasant to 
 your eye and heart, but who can cook. The 
 women of Barataria are grossly, densely, unpar- 
 donably ignorant of cookery. Not one in ten of 
 them, rich or poor, high or low, wives of head- 
 workers or hand-workers, knows how to boil an 
 egg properly, or a potato; they do not under- 
 stand the art and mystery of soups and pottages; 
 and above all, they do not know the use and 
 value of that invaluable article the stew-pan. In 
 
LECTURES THE WORKING-CLASSES. 161 
 
 my native Pumpernickel every woman can cook, 
 and cook well, and can, by means of ker good 
 cookery, provide more nutritious, savoury, and 
 appetising food out of two shillings, than a Bara- 
 tarian woman can manage, or mismanage, to pro- 
 duce out of five. Think of this, gentlemen, and 
 teach it to your sons and daughters, for they are 
 or may be teachable, if your wives are not. One 
 thing more : Learn that union is not only good 
 for offence and defence — as you now seem to 
 suppose, if your actions do not belie your thoughts 
 — but for economy and luxury. Unanimity is 
 difficult, I know ; and the golden age will indeed 
 return when two or three millions of human 
 beings will agree to think and act together for 
 any benevolent purpose not connected with go- 
 vernment and religion. I quite appreciate the 
 inelegant but forcible allegory of the fleas, and 
 I think that men and fleas are alike ignorant in 
 this respect. But if millions cannot agree to act 
 together, a thousand may. Eemember the pints 
 of beer, remember the twopences ; and if but one 
 thousand of you, having a common object and 
 purpose — the elevation and well-being of your 
 class — will put aside only thrice this insignificant 
 
 M 
 
162 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 sum every week, or sixpence, which there is not 
 a man among you who cannot well spare to in- 
 vest — I do not mean to waste or give away — the 
 thousand will have at command the sum of 
 twenty-five golden pounds per week, or one thou- 
 sand three hundred pounds per annum. "With 
 such a sum you could be masters of a spacious 
 club-house, well furnished for your ease and com- 
 fort, with a lecture-room, a reading-room, a bath- 
 room, a billiard-room, and a kitchen, where a 
 professional cook could serve you up delicacies 
 upon occasion that would not cost half the money 
 that you would be compelled to pay if, as indi- 
 viduals, you went into the open market. And as 
 you all of you like, or seem to like, beer, you 
 could get your beer at so much cheaper a rate 
 than you could purchase it at the public-house, 
 that you would on this item of expenditure alone 
 save the sixpence per week, which is all you 
 would be called upon to disburse.' 
 
 Bounce seemed particularly restless while I 
 was speaking, and opened his lips several times 
 as if he very much wanted to interrupt, and was 
 with difficulty restrained from an outburst of 
 wrath or dissent ; but I looked at him so intently 
 
LECTURES THE WORKING-CLASSES. 163 
 
 for a few seconds without interrupting my dis- 
 course, when he seemed most inclined to put in a 
 word, that I fancy I cowed him into silence by 
 the glare of my eye, and he allowed me to pro- 
 ceed. 1 1 have little more to say, gentlemen,' I 
 added, when I noticed the growing impatience 
 of the seven wise men — perhaps I should except 
 the cobbler, who seemed more or less convinced 
 by my arguments — and I really wished to hear 
 what Bounce would have to urge in behalf of 
 his class, — c and that little is but a recapitulation 
 of what has been already placed before you. I 
 sincerely wish you may get the four eights you 
 have set your hearts upon, and I think you can 
 easily manage to secure them all, except the last. 
 Instead of clamouring for rose-water at the ex- 
 pense of the state, establish a club such as I pro- 
 pose at your own, and something better than 
 rose-water will be the reward of your exertions.' 
 ' I am afraid, your excellency,' said Bounce, 
 in a manner intended to be very dignified and 
 imposing, l that we have occupied your time and 
 our own to no purpose, and that you do not enter 
 into the feelings and wants of the working men 
 of Barataria.' 
 
164 BARON GRIilBOSH. 
 
 ' Order, order !' cried Bodgers, who seemed 
 to have taken me into his favour, because I com- 
 pared kings and statesmen to cobblers, as re- 
 garded the nature and quality of their work. 
 
 ' Who calls order ?' shouted Bounce. ' I am 
 in horder. His excellency has given us advice, 
 which we did not hask, and has refused to sup- 
 port our memorial, which we did hask. I fancy 
 there's no more to be said or done, except to 
 wish his excellency good-day, and go about our 
 business.' 
 
 As I was of precisely the same opinion, I was 
 glad to take advantage of this favourable oppor- 
 tunity to bring the interview to a close. I 
 therefore bowed them out of the room ; not, 
 however, without receiving a glance from Bod- 
 gers, which convinced me that he, at least, was 
 favourably impressed with me and my opinions, 
 and that I should most probably hear of or from 
 him on some future occasion. 
 
 ' You have not pleased the horny hands,' 
 said Boru, after they had departed. 
 ' How do you know ?' 
 
 'Bounce, as he went, loudly expressed the 
 opinion that you were, as he said, "no go;" Tod- 
 
LECTURES THE WORKING-CLASSES. 165 
 
 gers said lie wished you were back in Pumper- 
 nickel ; and Mooney said you were a bloated 
 aristocrat.' 
 
 I was highly amused at all this ; but, never- 
 theless, did not think the worse of the working 
 classes, of whom it was my earnest desire to ame- 
 liorate the condition. Bounce, thought I, is 
 evidently a humbug ; but perhaps no greater a 
 humbug than thousands of others in his position. 
 But every governor, every ruler, every statesman, 
 must make up his mind to receive and talk to 
 humbugs. And with this reflection, I dismissed 
 the interview from my mind ; resolved to do my 
 duty by the working and all other classes, ut- 
 terly regardless of any gratitude, or the reverse, 
 which I might receive at their hands. 
 
 On the Saturday following, the Busy Bee, the 
 organ of one section of the labouring classes, 
 < pitched into me,' as the phrase went: declared 
 that I was a tyrant and an aristocrat; that I 
 knew nothing of Barataria ; and that Pumper- 
 nickel might possibly not be so glad to see me 
 back again as Barataria would be to get rid of 
 me. Another newspaper, in the interest of an- 
 other section, endeavoured to excite the wrath of 
 
166 BAEON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 the Baratarian women against me, as having slan- 
 dered the sex in the matter of cookery, ending 
 with the vile assertion that I was systematically 
 opposed to the marriage of working people. 
 
 I thought to myself that the liberty of the 
 press was abused in Barataria ; but said nothing, 
 not even to the Duchess, or to Pamfoozle. 
 
CHAPTEE XI. 
 
 I MAKE THE ACQUAINTANCE OF SIR PUMP HANDELL, AND TAKE HIM 
 INTO MY CONFIDENCE. 
 
 Before receiving the deputation of which Sir 
 Pump Hanclell was the presiding genius, and list- 
 ening publicly to the statements that I knew he 
 was prepared to make, I had the satisfaction of 
 meeting him privately at my own table. The 
 Duchess de Grimbosh had formed the acquaint- 
 ance of Lady Pump Handell, and liked her so 
 much that she took every opportunity to cul- 
 tivate her society, and made her a companion 
 in her rides and drives. Lady Pump Handell, 
 like her husband, drank no fermented liquors; 
 in fact, nothing but water, milk, tea, and spark- 
 ling lemonade. As the Pump Handells would ac- 
 cept no invitations to dinner unless they were 
 assured beforehand that the only beverage placed 
 upon the table would be water, and as the Duch- 
 ess knew that I, who was never drunk in my 
 life, did not object to, but on the contrary very 
 much enjoyed, a reasonable quantity of good 
 
1G8 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 wine, would not be a party to its exclusion 
 from my own table to humour anybody's pre- 
 judices, we were deprived of the opportunity 
 of stowing them the hospitalities which I would 
 have been delighted to extend to any friend or 
 companion of the Duchess. However, Juanita 
 suggested, with the true wisdom and common 
 sense that belong to her, that, as we could not ask 
 Sir Pump and Lady Handell to dinner, we might 
 invite them to breakfast. Now as breakfast is a 
 very social meal, and for a man who has no par- 
 ticular business to attend to during the day is 
 far preferable to dinner for the interchange of 
 ideas, I was very glad to avail myself of the sug- 
 gestion. The mind is free and fresh in the 
 morning ; and a host who knows the business of 
 entertaining his guests (as much a business as 
 any other, if a man makes up his mind to excel 
 in it) has even greater opportunities than at the 
 more formal dinner-table of eliciting, by means 
 of the genial and unaffected play of conversation, 
 the wit, the learning, or the information of others, 
 and of pouring forth his own. So Lady and Sir 
 Pump Handell were invited to breakfast, and Be- 
 noni, at my request, made the fifth in company. 
 
COXFIDES IN SIR PUMP HAXDELL. 169 
 
 Sir Pump Handell, like all men who ride hob- 
 bies, was a very comfortable-looking gentleman; 
 precise, formal, florid, and on the most excellent 
 terms with himself. He appeared to me to be 
 about forty-five years of age, and was tall, well- 
 made, and handsomer to a man's appreciation 
 than possibly he would be to a woman's. He 
 had a fine flowing black beard; but Nature, or 
 Fortune, who seldom comes, as the poet says, 
 ' with both hands full,' in giving him this abund- 
 ant hirsuteness upon the jaws, had deprived him 
 of the legitimate growth upon the cranium, which 
 was as glossy and smooth and as destitute of 
 hair as a teacup. Lady Pump Handell was about 
 twenty years the junior of her lord ; a lively, 
 active, plump, bright-eyed little woman, with a 
 musical voice and laugh, and with that rare 
 combination either in the female or the male 
 character, a great deal of good nature and a con- 
 siderable share of wit. 
 
 It had been pre-arranged between my wife 
 and me, that the two ladies should retire as early 
 as was hospitable and polite from the breakfast 
 table, on the pretence of a drive, or any other 
 that might present itself, and leave the gentle- 
 
170 BAKON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 men to themselves to talk politics and philosophy. 
 Juanita managed the matter with grace and clev- 
 erness, as she does everything ; and Benoni, Sir 
 Pump, and I were left alone. I noticed that Sir 
 Pump smoked, though he abhorred alcohol, and 
 called for a cigar as soon as the ladies had re- 
 tired. I did not consider this to be strictly tem- 
 perate ; but as I smoked myself, I could not ob- 
 ject to his doing so. 
 
 Sir Pump came to sound me on the subject 
 nearest to his heart — the abolition of intemper- 
 ance in Earataria by the summary method of the 
 abolition of drink. I, on my part, was glad to 
 make Sir Pump's acquaintance, that I might 
 sound him on several subjects near to my heart 
 in connection with the welfare of the Barata- 
 rian people. But as Sir Pump knew that I had 
 studied his case, and was favourably disposed to 
 hear his arguments, and to reply to them if I 
 could on the proper occasion, he graciously re- 
 frained from riding his own hobby very hard, 
 and allowed me to trot out my owd. For the 
 which act of courtesy I was much obliged to 
 him. 
 
 "We were in some danger of drifting into antag- 
 
CONFIDES IN SIR PUMP HANDELL. 171 
 
 onism at first — out of the fulness of the heart 
 the mouth speaketh — but by the skilful pilotage 
 of Benoni we steered clear of it. 
 
 ' Your excellency and I,' said Sir Pump, 'have 
 great ends in view ; the abolition of vice, poverty, 
 and ignorance — all apples that grow on that for- 
 bidden tree — Intemperance.' 
 
 ' Not exactly so,' interposed Benoni. ' The 
 Oriental nations do not drink intoxicating liquors 
 to excess — rarely drink them at all — but as far 
 as my reading and my information extend they 
 are as poor, as vicious, and as ignorant as the 
 people of Barataria, if not more so, and think 
 little more of murder than some people of a 
 white lie. But don't let us enter upon the 
 questio vexata of strong drink just now. What 
 does your excellency think ?' 
 
 'Pardon me,' said Sir Pump, 'it is much too 
 wide a subject for conversation, and I assure you 
 that I mentioned it by mere inadvertency, and 
 will say no more about it.' 
 
 ' No harm is done,' I replied. ' I have a duty 
 to perform on that question as upon all others, 
 and will not shrink from doing it when my mind 
 is fully satisfied, and the hour is ripe for such 
 
172 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 action as may seem best. But in inviting you 
 two gentlemen, both philosophers, philanthropists, 
 and politicians, both intimately acquainted with 
 the wants, wishes, and character of the people of 
 Barataria, to an informal and social talk, I must 
 candidly confess that I wish to elicit your opinion 
 on some matters that appear to me to be of im- 
 portance to the welfare of this community, though 
 they may strike you as novel. We all know how 
 men arc incited to good actions by judicious 
 praise, and how cheaply a man may be rewarded 
 by a title, which costs the State nothing, by a 
 bit of ribbon, or by a medal, or even by honour- 
 able mention in a public document, or by a vote 
 of thanks engrossed upon parchment. There are 
 people who value such things far more than they 
 do gold or jewels or the possession of an estate. 
 It has seemed to me that all the governments 
 which have hitherto existed in the world, while 
 acting upon this innate characteristic of human 
 nature, and profiting by it at small or no cost, 
 have not been wise enough to take into account 
 the reverse action of the same principle — the fear 
 of dishonour, dispraise, and opprobrium. The 
 State having the power to reward a good citizen 
 
CONFIDES IN SIR PUMP HANDELL. 173 
 
 by the bestowal of honour, has the power, if it 
 would but exercise it, of punishing the bad citi- 
 zen by the bestowal of dishonour ; and why not ?' 
 
 ' I'll tell you why not,' said Benoni. ' People, 
 when they are honoured by the state, blazon it 
 forth to all the world, make the best of it and the 
 most of it, and take care that the light which has 
 fallen upon their heads shall not be hidden under 
 a bushel, or thrust into a hole in the wall where 
 no man can see it. "Whereas a title of dishonour, 
 which I know your excellency proposes, for you 
 told me of it before, would be concealed or 
 denied, and ultimately end in being ignored and 
 forgotten.' 
 
 ' But it should be the business of the State to 
 see that the title of dishonour should stick as fast 
 as the title of honour,' I replied, l and be the legal 
 designation of the person designed to wear it.' 
 
 1 What ? and allow no chance of repentance 
 and amendment ? To gibbet a man for ever ? It 
 would not do,' said Benoni. 
 
 1 It would be glorious,' interposed Sir Pump 
 Handell, ' if a man were convicted of habitual 
 intoxication, to designate him thenceforth and 
 for ever as "Your Beastly Drunkenness." ' 
 
174 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 'A word for the poor beasts,' said Benoni: 
 ' the beasts don't get drunk ; but we are approach- 
 ing a forbidden subject. Let us drop it. Depend 
 upon it, his excellency's project is not practic- 
 able — won't do, in fact.' 
 
 'There's a great deal in it,' said Sir Pump, 
 'and I, for one, hope his excellency will study 
 and develop it, as a cheap and effectual method 
 of punishment and a method of prevention also. 
 There is a great deal in it, I am convinced.' 
 
 My heart 'yearned towards Sir Pump from 
 that moment. He was evidently not a man of 
 only one idea, as I had imagined ; but a philoso- 
 pher, who could appreciate the new as fervently 
 as he could find fault with the old. We ex- 
 changed glances, and I thought our satisfaction 
 was mutual. I had gained an adherent, and I did 
 not despair of convincing even Benoni at some 
 future time, though I knew him to be one of 
 those ultra-Conservatives, who object to the best 
 of things, and the greatest of ideas, if they have 
 not the glory or the dust of antiquity to recom- 
 mend them. 
 
 'Has your excellency remarked,' said Sir 
 Pump, ' how, in the excess of liberty that is en- 
 
CONFIDES IN SIR PUMP HANDELL. 175 
 
 joyed by the people of Barataria, where every 
 man is allowed, within certain limits denned by 
 the ten commandments, and the general tone of 
 fashionable society, to do exactly what seems 
 good in his own eyes, — how the amenity, the 
 beauty, the symmetry of the great city of Mud- 
 dletown, and other cities of Barataria, are de- 
 stroyed by the erection of huge unsightly fac- 
 tories, gas-works, warehouses, and private dwell- 
 ings, that have no reference to any general de- 
 sign ?' 
 
 1 1 have ; and what is more, I have groaned 
 over the discovery. If I can carry my point 
 without too much obstruction, I shall appoint 
 a new sort of minister, or Secretary of State, 
 the Minister of the Landscape, whose business 
 it shall be to educate the public eye by the 
 beautification of streets, and by the prohibition, 
 absolute and unconditional, of any new build- 
 ing or edifice whatsoever, without the sanction 
 of a Convention of Taste, of which he shall be 
 the president. His functions shall not merely 
 extend to cities and towns, but to villages and 
 rural districts; so that if there be any land- 
 scape in Barataria that is highly picturesque and 
 
176 BARON GKIMBOSH. 
 
 agreeable to the eyes of refined, artistic, and edu- 
 cated people, no man, whatever his wealth or his 
 position of ownership, shall be allowed to mar its 
 beauty by the erection of unsightly or incon- 
 gruous buildings, or of any building whatever 
 that my Minister of the Landscape shall not ap- 
 prove as in harmony with the natural surround- 
 ings of the site proposed for it. In Muddletown 
 there stands one of the finest cathedrals ever 
 erected, second only to one other in the world in 
 magnitude and beauty ; and in all Muddletown 
 there is but one spot from which a good view of 
 it is attainable ; and on that very spot, hiding the 
 symmetrical and grand proportions of the noble 
 edifice, a hideous abomination for the manufac- 
 ture of gas stands in the foreground and utterly 
 ruins the perspective. One of the first things the 
 new minister would have to do, would be to order 
 the removal of these gas-works.' 
 
 ' But at what cost ?' inquired Benoni. 
 
 1 At any cost,' said Sir Pump. 
 
 1 It is all very fine to talk of any cost,' said 
 Benoni, ' but the Baratarians are a very sensitive 
 race as to their pockets, and would, I am afraid, 
 rather save the shillings that your esthetics 
 
CONFIDES IX SIR PUMP HANDELL. 177 
 
 would wring out of them, than gaze at the noblest 
 persjDective on the earth.' 
 
 1 Very possibly,' I rejoined; 'but it is the 
 duty of a good ruler to insist that his people be 
 educated, not only in all branches of useful and 
 practical knowledge, but in the love and appre- 
 ciation of the beautiful in Nature and in Art. 
 No people are truly civilised who are not accus- 
 tomed to the love and the culture of the beauti- 
 ful. Take the ancient Greeks, for instance — ' 
 
 ' Pardon me,' said Benoni, somewhat curtly, 
 'the Baratarians are not Greeks, nor like the 
 Greeks in anything. The culture of the beauti- 
 ful belongs to the individual, not to the State. 
 A ruler who would attempt to enforce such cul- 
 ture upon his people, whether Greeks or Bara- 
 tarians, must be an autocrat and a tyrant, with 
 power sufficient to enforce his will upon the 
 reluctant and the dissatisfied. No doubt if he 
 were a man of great taste and genius as well as 
 aptitude for government, and could screw the 
 necessary funds for carrying out his great ideas 
 from the tightly -buttoned pockets of his subjects, 
 he might do a great deal for the Beautiful. But 
 I should not like, I assure you, to be Minister of 
 
178 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 the Landscape in Barataria, or in any other free 
 country, where there were newspapers, and voters, 
 and millions of jealous shopkeepers who think 
 that the jingling of money in the purse is the 
 most melodious of music, and the sight of hun- 
 dreds of gold pieces more beautiful than any 
 landscape, or the finest work of art in the world.' 
 Benoni was evidently incased in a strong ar- 
 mour of prejudice, and while he was speaking, 
 Sir Pump Handell cast me a look that said as 
 plainly as words, that it was of no use arguing 
 with a man who could not open his mind for the 
 hospitable reception of any thought that ran in a 
 new channel ; and that he, Sir Pump, was a man 
 of a very different description. I consequently 
 changed the subject, and turning to Sir Pump, I 
 announced a still more important project, which 
 I had long debated in my mind, and elaborated 
 in lonely hours of study, before I ever dreamed 
 or imagined that the Grand Llama of Pumper- 
 nickel would have done me the unspeakable hon- 
 our of appointing me to the governorship of 
 Barataria. This project was, as I considered it, 
 the noblest emanation of my wisdom and of my 
 judgment, of my far-sightedness as a statesman, 
 
THE WICKEDNESS OF WAR. 179 
 
 and of my philanthropy as a man, and sufficient, 
 if it could be adopted by the nations of the earth, 
 to place the name of Herman Grimbosh high 
 amid the burning and shining lights of the truest 
 benefactors of their kind ; amid the Solons, the 
 Thaleses, the Lycurguses, the Zoroasters, the 
 Confuciuses, and the Platos — those noblest pro- 
 ducts of the ages, destined in these later times of 
 regenerate commerciality and money worship- 
 pers to have few or no successors. My mind 
 warmed with my mighty theme, secure, I thought, 
 of one disciple in Sir Pump, possibly of a second 
 in Benoni, and of thousands of good and true 
 men in all parts of the world, as soon as the 
 scheme should be unfolded in all its beauty, and 
 brought home to the heads and the hearts of the 
 multitude. 
 
 ' Is it not,' said I, ' a shameful thing, in this 
 boastful age — nearly two thousand years after 
 the divine doctrines of Christianity have been 
 preached to and dinned into the ears of a world 
 that calls itself civilised and religious — that na- 
 tions should go to war, that millions of men should 
 be organised to cut each other's throats, and mow 
 each other down with mitrailleuses and other 
 
180 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 horrible instruments ? Is it not sad that Science 
 should tax her best energies to provide imple- 
 ments of destruction in the shape of monstrous 
 cannon, monstrous shot, diabolical torpedoes, and 
 armour-plated ships, to hurl destruction around 
 them, themselves invulnerable ? Is it not de- 
 plorable that chemistry should have nothing so 
 profitable on hand as the manufacture of ex- 
 plosive compounds to suffocate, to maim, to kill 
 — compounds worthier of hell than of earth? 
 Thinking of such things, I often doubt, after 
 all, whether this Earth of ours, which we pol- 
 lute with our massacres and murders, is Earth 
 or Hell, or at best a Purgatory, whither we 
 have been consigned to suffer well-merited pun- 
 ishment for sins committed in a nobler sphere 
 from which we may have fallen. Of what avail 
 are civilisation, philanthropy, humanity, states- 
 manship, and religion, if they cannot combine 
 their mighty forces to render war impossible ?' 
 
 Here, unfortunately, I was obliged to cough; 
 and Benoni, taking advantage of the opportunity 
 to break me off in the very midst of an exordium 
 which I had intended to be particularly brilliant, 
 exclaimed pathetically, ' Most true ! most true ! 
 
THE WICKEDNESS OF WAR. 1S1 
 
 There is no need for any one to expatiate on the 
 wickedness and the misery of war. Every one 
 confesses and deplores the abomination. But 
 Where's the remedy ? I confess, I can't see it. 
 If men will not yield to moral force, there must 
 be physical force behind the moral force to com- 
 pel obedience. The judge who sits upon the 
 bench, in all the apparently peaceful and rational 
 dignity of his high office, is, if not extrinsicallv, 
 most certainly intrinsically, a warrior. He pro- 
 nounces his judgment on the criminal, or on the 
 litigant, whichever it may be; and criminal or 
 litigant must submit to it. To hang a convicted 
 criminal is to make war upon and conquer him; 
 and to condemn a litigant to fine or to loss, is 
 also to make war upon him if he refuse obedience 
 -war carried out by the soldiery or the sheriffs, 
 of whom the judge is but the commanding officer ; 
 by the police, the jailers, and if need be by the 
 hangman. I love peace as well as your excel- 
 lency; I love it so well that I would have it a 
 tontprix, even at the price of war.' 
 
 'These are truisms,' I said, somewhat impa- 
 tiently I am afraid, for I was more annoyed than 
 I ought to have been at Eenoni's treacherous 
 
182 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 interruption just as I was warming to my sub- 
 ject. ' We all know that the world is a world of 
 physical force, and that physical force is and 
 must be the ultima ratio as long as there are fools 
 and knaves in all countries in sufficient numbers 
 to set moral force at defiance. In Barataria, at 
 the present day, nobody fights a duel; but the 
 knowledge that a duel may be fought prevents 
 many a strong bully and blackguard from insult- 
 ing a gentleman or a lady. So, in like manner, 
 at some future time, which I shall do my best to 
 prepare the people to welcome, nations will not 
 fight duels, or, in other words, will not go to 
 war; though the knowledge that wars may be 
 made will prevent nations from insulting or doing 
 wrong to one another. Do I make myself clear ?' 
 
 1 Not very clear,' said Benoni. 
 
 ' Clear to me, and very sensible,' said Sir 
 Pump. 
 
 ' Let me explain. Society has very properly, 
 and not a day too soon, taken into its head that 
 duelling — that is to say, private war — is wrong, 
 stupid, irrational, barbarous, and intolerable. 
 Consequently, duelling, though theoretically pos- 
 sible, has become unfashionable, and next to im- 
 
THE "WICKEDNESS OF WAR. 183 
 
 possible, in Barataria. Now I maintain that the 
 opinion of mankind throughout the whole world 
 may be made powerful enough to prohibit national 
 or public war between any two countries, just as 
 it has prohibited private war between any two 
 individuals in Barataria — ' 
 
 'No doubt,' said Benoni, again interrupting 
 me before I had concluded. ' But you must re- 
 member that no class of persons had anything to 
 gain by the maintenance of the absurd practice 
 of private war, whereas the equally absurd prac- 
 tice [that much I grant) of public war is justified 
 and maintained in every civilised country by the 
 interest, the pride, the bread and butter, the 
 hopes, and the ambition of a very large and very 
 influential class of people, who are to be numbered 
 not by hundreds and thousands merely, but by 
 millions. How are these mighty multitudes to 
 be reconciled to the abolition of their profession 
 and their means of livelihood ?' 
 
 'Easily enough,' I replied with a tone of tri- 
 umph, and confident of an easy victory. 'These 
 millions that you speak of are torn from the 
 plough, the loom, the anvil, from every imaginable 
 source of honest industry — torn from their peace- 
 
184 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 fill homes, their wives and children, and com- 
 pelled to serve against their will as cut-throats 
 and murderers by wicked Kings and Emperors.' 
 
 ' And by wicked and freely-elected Presidents 
 of Democratic Republics,' said Eenoni. 
 
 1 Granted,' I replied, determined not to give 
 him a second chance of shutting the flood-gates 
 of my eloquence. ' By rulers of all kinds, whe- 
 ther hereditary or elected, wise or foolish, con- 
 stitutional or despotic, young or old, virtuous or 
 vicious. All these potentates — strong not in them- 
 selves, but in the ignorance and passions of the 
 people, who seem to think that war is the normal 
 condition of humanity — turn men into soldiers 
 by force or bribery ; but I think I shall not err on 
 the side of exaggeration when I assert that fully 
 nine -tenths of the rank and file of battle would, 
 if possible, be glad to pursue any other trade, 
 profession, or business than that of war. They 
 would rather raise corn or cabbages than cut 
 their brothers' throats ; rather tend sheep or cattle 
 upon the hills than set fire to the towns and 
 cities of foreign nations ; and rather aid in spread- 
 ing plenty over their own smiling land than be 
 one of a multitude of semi-demons in human 
 
THE WICKEDNESS OF WAR. 185 
 
 form, carrying the sword and the torch through 
 the hills and valleys of people who never offended 
 them. There remains but another tenth, the offi- 
 cers, the leaders, the dashing fellows who expect 
 rank and honour, and what they call fame and 
 glory, from the bloody business to which they de- 
 vote themselves. As for these, if public war be 
 once declared as abominable as private Avar, all 
 their chance of fame and glory would be gone, 
 and they too would be only too happy to seek the 
 bubble reputation elsewhere than at the cannon's 
 mouth, in honourable trade or agriculture, or in 
 the profession of literature, law, or medicine, or 
 the service of the Christian churches, that are not 
 so overburdened with talent as to be averse from 
 taking into their ranks men of high honour and 
 aspiration, who would save men's souls and bodies 
 more cheerfully than they would rum or destroy 
 them. The opposition to be encountered is not 
 what I venture to call trade opposition, for your 
 true soldier prefers peace to war, and, as one of 
 them said, considers nothing to be so horrible as 
 a victory, except a defeat ; but the opposition of 
 ignorant peoples, nations, and kings, who do not 
 cultivate a corporate morality, or think that an 
 
186 BARON GRIHBOSH. 
 
 aggregation or collection of states and kingdoms 
 ought to be as well-behaved, courteous, and 
 peaceable to one another as the inhabitants of 
 the same village in the ordinary intercoiirse of 
 life. And the world is fast becoming a village, 
 in consequence of the virtual abolition of distance 
 by the agencies of science and electricity. Now, 
 my plan is to get together the kings, emperors, go- 
 vernors, presidents, or whatever the leading men 
 of this village, the world, may be called or choose 
 to call themselves, to denounce war, and solemnly 
 swear to submit every dispute that can possibly 
 arise among them to the arbitration of them all ; 
 to form themselves, in short, into what I shall 
 designate 
 
 The High Court of Humanity. 
 
 If Emperor This the First used indecorous and 
 insulting language to King That the Second, 
 and King That the Second complained of the of- 
 fence, the High Court of Humanity should hear 
 the case and compel the offender to apologise, 
 under penalty of the united displeasure of all the 
 rest of the members. If King Twopenny desired 
 to appropriate a slice of King Threepenny's ter- 
 
THE HIGH COURT OF HUMANITY. 187 
 
 ritory, and proceeded to do so by acts of violence, 
 all the members of the Court should call out the 
 police of their respective states, and reduce Three- 
 penny to obedience and subjection to the law of 
 the world. If his Imperial Majesty the Emperor 
 of Diddledum, with a one-headed eagle on his 
 banner and his escutcheon, quarrelled with the 
 other Imperial Majesty of Twiddledum with a 
 two-headed eagle on his flag and his ducats, they 
 should fight their battle out in words only, like 
 village politicians at an ale-house ; or, if they 
 broke the peace and resorted to blows, the other 
 members of the Court should step in between the 
 combatants, and deprive them of the thrones 
 which they had forfeited by so scandalous a 
 breach of the decencies, the proprieties, and the 
 laws of the whole community.' 
 
 ' A noble idea,' said Sir Pump Handell, 'and 
 worthy alike of a philosopher and a states- 
 man.' 
 
 ' Yes,' said Benoni, in a drawling and sar- 
 castic tone, but nevertheless very polite and 
 courteous ; ' a noble idea, a poetical idea, but 
 wholly impracticable. It seems to me that it is 
 not so much the kings, the emperors, the gover- 
 
188 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 nors, the presidents, and the rest, who want to be 
 restrained from rushing into war, but the people. 
 The people suffer more from war than the kings 
 do, but they evidently like war better. Who 
 drove the great people of Atlantis into bloody 
 civil war ? Not the rulers certainly. The pas- 
 sionate people made the war, persisted in it, and 
 fought it out with a ferocity and contempt of life 
 which kings and emperors have rarely exhibited. 
 It is — at all events, it seems so to me — beginning 
 at the wrong end, to bind kings over to keep the 
 peace towards one another unless you can bind 
 the people. How can a king be a lamb if his 
 subjects have all the passions and the instincts of 
 wolves? We must begin with the people, and 
 convert them to peaceable notions, before we can 
 do any good with their rulers. Emperor Nap did 
 not declare war against King Snap of his own 
 good- will and pleasure; but went into the un- 
 happy business with a sore heart and dark fore- 
 bodings, because of the unreasoning and jealous 
 multitudes behind that impelled him on to his 
 and their ruin. King Snap was in a precisely 
 similar predicament.' 
 
 ' Then you think the people are wolves/ said 
 
THE HIGH COURT OF HUMANITY. 189 
 
 Sir Pump Handell; l and /think that all the evil 
 passions which you describe so well, and which 
 make them so wolfish, spring from their insane 
 love of beer, brandy, and other intoxicating 
 drinks ; and that war, in fact, is born of the butt 
 and the bottle. But I like his excellency's idea, 
 and when once the whole people of all nations 
 shall become total abstainers from alcohol, and be- 
 come in this respect as temperate as the brute 
 creation, the High Court of Humanity is certain to 
 be established.' 
 
 * But the brutes fight, although they don't 
 drink alcohol,' remarked Benoni. 
 
 1 Yes, because they copy mankind, who sets 
 them a bad example,' replied Sir Pump ; not, 
 however, with the same confident air as before ; 
 for Benoni' s curt rejoinder had evidently caught 
 a weak place in the armour of his logic. 
 
 Benoni suddenly rose, and excusing him- 
 self on the plea of another appointment, left 
 us to ourselves, with his last Parthian arrow 
 sticking in the very ribs of his opponent's argu- 
 ment. 
 
 But Sir Pump and I sat long together after- 
 wards, with mutual pleasure and advantage. He 
 
190 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 learned from me, and I learned from him, as will 
 appear hereafter ; and when we separated, I had 
 come to the conclusion, notwithstanding his little 
 crotchet on the subject of wine and other admir- 
 able drinks, that he was one of the wisest states- 
 men in Barataria. 
 
CHAPTEE XII. 
 
 SEMI-CONVEKSIONS, AND A PROPOSED ALLIANCE. 
 
 Theee clays after my last conversation with Sir 
 Pump, I again requested the pleasure of his 
 society, for I greatly desired to consult with him 
 alone, unencumbered by the presence of the scep- 
 tical Benoni, or of any one else. We met in my 
 private cabinet after dinner, and he had so far 
 reconciled himself to what he considered my ob- 
 jectionable habit of imbibing seltzer- water and 
 brandy in the intervals of my three cigars — for 
 that is the number I usually smoke in the even- 
 ing — as to indulge in a little seltzer-water him- 
 self without the brandy, solely, as he said, to keep 
 me company, and not to appear too intolerant of 
 another man's little harmless vices. So we got 
 on very well together, and like wise men, who 
 never look for perfection in anybody, agreed to 
 differ. 
 
 He had listened so patiently to me in those 
 
192 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 two matters of the national cultivation of the 
 beautiful, to be superintended by a ' Minister of 
 the Landscape,' and in my far more important 
 project for the establishment of a ' High Court of 
 Humanity,' and had moreover expressed such 
 warm sympathy with both, that I could do no 
 less than listen with equal patience to him, when 
 he expatiated on his favourite topic, the abuse of 
 alcoholic drink by the people, and the remedies 
 which he proposed. But as I was partaking of 
 alcohol myself, [by permission, as it were,] 1 
 thought it best to set myself right at the outset 
 by declaring once for all, that I was as great 
 an enemy of intemperance as himself, that I 
 hated drunkenness, and thought it the source of 
 countless physical and moral evils; but that I 
 considered the moderate use and enjoyment of 
 wine, beer, and spirits, not only permissible but 
 wholesome. 
 
 ' If everybody could and would put that moral 
 constraint upon himself which your excellency 
 does,' he replied, ' I grant that no particular harm 
 would be done. But the mischief is, that people 
 will not restrain themselves ; that the fascination 
 of drinking is so great, that the more the drunk- 
 
A PROPOSED ALLIANCE. 193 
 
 ard indulges himself in drink, the more he desires 
 to indulge. Partial restraint is inoperative or 
 impossible with the victims of this degrading 
 vice; therefore total restraint is the most merci! 
 fill, as well as the only sure remedy.' 
 
 1 Let us discuss the question calmly, logically 
 and in its political as well as its social and moral 
 bearing,' I replied. < In the first place, I cannot 
 admit that alcohol is poisonous or hurtful in it- 
 self. Nothing in the world is poisonous, except 
 m degree, not even laudanum, or prussic acid. 
 In proper doses and quantities, these so-called 
 poisons are noble medicines for the alleviation of 
 human suffering. In like manner, nothing is 
 beneficial or nutritious if taken in excess. Too 
 much oil for the lamp is as bad as too little. A 
 man might be poisoned by too much beef as well 
 as by too much beer. Suppose a man had a 
 couple of pounds of beef for breakfast, a couple 
 of pounds for dinner, and a couple of pounds for 
 supper every day of his life, would he not suffer 
 from the effects of so unconscionable a diet?' 
 
 'Doubtless he would,' replied Sir Pump; 
 ' but there is a safeguard in the case of the beef 
 which does not exist in the case of the beer. It 
 
194 BARON GRIMEOSH. 
 
 would not be agreeable, but, on the contrary, 
 very disagreeable to anybody to eat so mucli beef 
 day after day ; but, unluckily, it is agreeable to 
 many people to drink too much beer and too much 
 gin every day of their lives, and perhaps all day 
 long. A glutton would sicken of the beef; a 
 drunkard does not sicken of the beer and gin.' 
 
 i I think the great majority of people would 
 prow as sick of the beer and gin, if taken daily in 
 inordinate quantities, as they would of the beef. 
 In fact, the drunkards, numerous as they may be, 
 are in the minority ; and if I correctly understand 
 the drift of the prohibitory laws which you are 
 desirous to introduce into Barataria, you would 
 coerce the majority for the sake of entrapping 
 the minority. You would clap ten men into 
 prison, because you knew that one of them was 
 fool enough to put a thief into his mouth to steal 
 away his brains, although } t ou did not know 
 which.' 
 
 ' Pardon me if I say that your excellency, 
 being a comparative stranger in Barataria, does 
 not quite understand either the subject or the 
 people. Go forth among them, and look around 
 you, beginning with Muddletown ; and in every 
 
A PROPOSED ALLIANCE. 195 
 
 street, or behind every street, or in close con- 
 tiguity to every street, you will find a tavern, a 
 public-house, a beer-shop, or a gin-shop, all open 
 for the sale of intoxicating drink. It is the same 
 all over the country — in every town, in every 
 village. Drink, drink, nothing but drink. These 
 houses tempt the people to drink ; suggest drink 
 to them at every turn, and at every leisure mo- 
 ment of their lives. Why, the handicraftsmen 
 and labourers, who call themselves the Avorking 
 classes, spend no less than fifty millions of 
 pounds sterling (some say it is nearer a hundred 
 millions) annually upon intoxicating liquors. 
 Add to this the sum which shopkeepers and 
 others spend on the same vile commodities, and 
 the total will amount to more in half a dozen or 
 a dozen years than would pay all the debt that 
 Barataria has incurred for all the wars that she 
 has ever provoked or been dragged into. If you 
 travel out of Muddletown into any part of the 
 country, I don't care whether it be east, west, 
 north, or south, you will discover, if you look 
 closely enough, many large and important build- 
 ings, erected on conspicuous sites, to be easily 
 seen of all men. Inquire into their uses, and 
 
190 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 you will find that they are not the residences of 
 territorial magnates or other rich men, but the 
 dwellings of the poor — the palaces of paupers, 
 criminals, and lunatics, nine-tenths of whom have 
 been made paupers, criminals, and lunatics by 
 intemperance in alcoholic drinks. Then calculate 
 the annual cost of pauperism, the annual cost of 
 the maintenance of criminals and lunatics, and 
 add the result to the total sum spent by those 
 who are not yet, but surely will be, paupers, 
 criminals, and lunatics, if this fearful and de- 
 moralising trade be not restricted within such 
 reasonable limits as the public safety requires, 
 and you will be confronted with a total sum 
 which will represent, within a fraction, the whole 
 annual rental of the great island of Barataria. 
 Should such tilings be ?' 
 
 ' I think I could reduce your figures if I tried,' 
 said I. 'From your first great total I would 
 strike off the sums spent in the temperate use, 
 not in the intemperate abuse, of stimulating 
 drink. That would make a very essential dif- 
 ference; and though drunkenness long continued 
 and habitual very certainly leads to pauperism, 
 crime, and lunacy, I think you may find so many 
 
A PROPOSED ALLIANCE. 197 
 
 other sources for these social diseases as to justify 
 me and any one else in denying that drunkenness 
 is alone to blame for this. Are there not many 
 people born into the world who all their lives 
 long are incurably lazy ? And does not laziness 
 tend to pauperism ? Are there not thousands of 
 people who allow their passions of lust, cupidity, 
 or revenge to overmaster them ? And do these 
 passions not produce crime ? And as for lunacy, 
 are there not thousands born with weak or de- 
 ficient brains, unfitted for the great and whole- 
 some battle of life, and who, after short struggles, 
 find their only refuge in death or the madhouse ? 
 And again, are there not thousands born with 
 good brains, who overwork them in the too hot 
 pursuit of wealth or fame, and find themselves at 
 last in the same unhappy haven of the madhouse, 
 provided for them by the pitying care of their 
 happier fellow-creatures ? It never answers to 
 overstate a case, and I think you overstate yours.' 
 
 ' It may be so,' said Sir Pump ; ' and I will 
 allow you to deduct ten, or even fifteen, per cent 
 from my totals, on account of involuntary error 
 or exaggeration.' 
 
 ' Say fifty,' replied I. 
 
198 BAEON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 ' I will say fifty, for the sake of argument ; 
 but what a fearful total there would still remain !' 
 
 'Waiving that inquiry for the present, I 
 would ask, has it never struck you as singular 
 that the people of all Protestant countries are 
 more addicted to drunkenness than the people of 
 Roman-catholic countries ?' 
 
 ' It has not struck me before, hut I see it now 
 that you mention it. Possibly it is not so much 
 their Protestantism as the excess of liberty which 
 they enjoy and abuse, that will best explain the 
 fact. I would not meddle with their Protestant- 
 ism, but I certainly would restrict their liberty 
 to get drunk.' 
 
 { Would not education be a better prevention 
 than restriction of liberty ? Rich and celebrated 
 men in high positions formerly gloried in getting 
 drunk ; now they think drunkenness a disgrace. 
 And if this reformation has been brought about 
 in the case of the rich and the gentle, may it not 
 be brought about in the case of the poor and vul- 
 gar, if you, and I, and others go the right way to 
 work ?' 
 
 1 1 don't think so. The evil is spreading daily, 
 and assumes fearful proportions, while so-called 
 
A PROPOSED ALLIANCE. 199 
 
 social philosophers are talking about it and doing 
 nothing. But you must read my papers and my 
 statistics before you make up your mind to trust 
 to education for the cure, and to meddle no far- 
 ther. Education may aid the good work, but 
 cannot complete it. Your excellency has noble 
 opportunities, and should not throw them away 
 on a preconception which may turn out to be 
 erroneous. Promise me to read these ;' and he 
 drew two or three rather formidable looking 
 pamphlets from his pocket as he spoke, and pre- 
 sented them to me. I promised to do as he de- 
 sired — for his statements had startled though 
 they had not convinced me— and resolved that I 
 would accept the truth, if it were the truth (which 
 I doubted), and follow it wherever it would lead 
 me. 
 
 ' I see, Sir Pump, that you are a man of ideas. 
 I see it to-day, and I saw it when we discussed 
 with Benoni my grand project for the establish- 
 ment of the High Court of Humanity ; and I 
 should like you to turn over in your own mind 
 an error of all modern civilisation which I 
 think very disgraceful to it ; an error that ought 
 not to be allowed in a wise government, and the 
 
200 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 perpetuation of which leads, even far more than 
 intemperance does, to the increase not only of 
 pauperism, crime, and insanity; but to the phy- 
 sical and moral deterioration of the human race.' 
 
 'Your excellency's ideas are always philo- 
 sophical and sound,' replied Sir Pump ; l and 
 whatever you say, or propose, or expound to me 
 shall receive the best attention I can give it.' 
 
 'A wise government ruling wisely over a 
 wise people, is my ideal of the perfect society 
 that might be produced on the earth if mankind 
 had not gone so obstinately wrong from the be- 
 ginning of time — wrong in thought, wrong in 
 action, wrong in indulgence of passion — as to 
 make a return to the right path difficult, if not 
 impossible. Do you follow me ?' 
 
 ' Not clearly, if at all.' 
 
 ' You shall understand me thoroughly in a few 
 minutes, if you will give me your attention. The 
 men of Barataria, more perhaps than the men of 
 any other country in the world, take the greatest 
 pains and trouble, and displaj^ the greatest amount 
 of skill and experience, in the production of every 
 article that ministers to their uses and their lux- 
 uries. And not only to the production of manu- 
 
A PROPOSED ALLIANCE. 201 
 
 facturecl commodities, but of grain and the fruits 
 of the earth. And not only of grain and the 
 fruits of the earth, but of animals. The farmers 
 and graziers breed the finest horses and cattle in 
 the world. Their breed of dogs is unrivalled; 
 and in the culture of roses no nation excels 
 them. 13 ut on the rearing of human crea- 
 tures, the noblest and divinest animals in the 
 world, they bestow no care; all in that respect 
 is haphazard. Any debased, vitiated, stunted, 
 and diseased man may mate with a woman as 
 debased, diseased, imperfect, and stunted as him- 
 self ; and the progeny of the pah-, taking after 
 their parents on both sides, may repeat the pro- 
 cess in the appointed time of nature, and bring 
 forth another generation as inferior as themselves 
 in every mental and bodily attribute ; and so on 
 ad infinitum. It is the meanest and wretcheclest 
 creatures who always breed the fastest. It is the 
 marriages of people unfit for marriage that pro- 
 duce the poor spiritless children that afterwards 
 grow up to be paupers, fools, criminals, or idiots, 
 or who prowl about the streets displaying their 
 deformities, to the disgust of nobler creatures 
 whose fathers and mothers were fit to wed.' 
 
202 BARON GEJMBOSH. 
 
 ' I understand,' said Sir Pump : ' you arc of 
 the opinion of Lycurgus, who, as Plutarch in- 
 forms us, was so desirous to raise up handsome, 
 well-made, and intelligent citizens for the service 
 of Sparta, that lie went so far back as to take 
 into consideration their very conception and 
 birth, and the regulations of their marriages. I 
 suppose, however, you would not think of going 
 so far as Lycurgus ?' 
 
 'Not quite, the climate would not permit of 
 his method, and if it would, religion would not 
 sanction it. But I think something might be 
 done, consistent with religion or in alliance with 
 it, to induce the Baratarians to think more seri- 
 ously of this momentous matter. I would forbid 
 the clergy to lend the sanction of their office to 
 the marriage of cripples, hunchbacks, deformed 
 and diseased people, the deaf, the dumb, and the 
 blind, and would declare all such marriages to be 
 illegal. Indeed, I am not sure that I would not 
 make it a penal offence in every man or woman 
 disqualified by any of the defects I have enume- 
 rated to commit what I call the sin of matri- 
 mony, when it is committed with the probable 
 result of overstocking the state with valueless, 
 
A PROPOSED ALLIANCE. 203 
 
 imperfect, or pernicious citizens. I should like 
 Barataria to be inhabited by none but finely- 
 formed and healthy men, and lovely and healthy 
 women, clear in mind, strong and comely in 
 body, virtuous in conduct, and producing none 
 but children like themselves to take their places 
 in God's appointed season, and to carry on the 
 work of the world in which they would be far 
 worthier to live than their ancestors.' 
 
 ' A dream, your excellency, which may not be 
 all a dream, but which can never be other than a 
 vision, until my great preliminary reformation in 
 manners shall have come into operation, and 
 when neither beer, wine, alcohol, or fermented 
 liquors shall be drunk, or desired to be drunk, 
 or even distilled or manufactured, within the 
 limits of a land, that then, for the first time in 
 its history, shall be made temperate and happy. 
 You have but to aid my project to prepare the 
 way for the adoption of your own. Let us shake 
 hands, and vow to assist each other.' 
 
 "We shook hands very cordially, though we 
 did not exactly vow the vow that Sir Pump 
 suggested. I was not quite so clear about his 
 schemes of reform and improvement as I was 
 
204 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 about my own, and I had a respect for a bottle 
 of good Chateau Margaux or Chambertin, as well 
 as for a glass of good ale, that would not permit 
 me to think that such blessings were not to be 
 enjoyed in moderation, merely because the enjoy- 
 ment, like anything else in the world, was liable 
 to be abused by the weak-minded or the thought- 
 less. I resolved, however, to study the statistics 
 that Sir Pump had given me, to weigh both 
 sides of the question, and to accept or reject the 
 alliance which Sir Pump proposed to me, as my 
 judgment and my conscience should ultimately 
 decide. 
 
 When we parted that evening, my original 
 good opinion of Sir Pump was both fortified and 
 increased by the confabulation we had enjoyed, 
 and I thought he was as pleased with me as I 
 certainly was with him. l What great events 
 from little causes spring !' But I must not an- 
 ticipate. 
 
CHi\PTEE XIII. 
 
 GREAT SCHEMES. 
 
 It was not until a month after the conversation 
 recorded in the last chapter that I hegan to elabo- 
 rate and put into form my schemes for the regene- 
 ration of Barataria, or rather a scheme for the in- 
 troduction into Barataria for the first time of a 
 truly civilised and Christian government. I was 
 so convinced by the statistics and arguments of 
 Sir Pump Handell in the matter of Baratarian 
 intemperance, that I came to the conclusion, not 
 without a few pangs and misgivings, that it was 
 necessary to make the Baratariaus, especially of 
 the poorer classes, sober in spite of themselves- 
 reserving to myself, of course, and to others in 
 like circumstances, the right of drinking much 
 or drinking little, as we pleased. Having fully 
 made up my mind, I requested Sir Pump to re- 
 lieve me from the trouble of discussing the mat- 
 ter m public, by explaining to the association of 
 
20 G BARON GRIMBOSII. 
 
 which he was president that I was with them in 
 the spirit, and would forward their views by all 
 the means at my command. Sir Pump agreed to 
 this suggestion, and communicated to his friends 
 and supporters my adhesion to the principles of 
 the association. The announcement was received 
 with much favour, though the Daily Oracle, the 
 Malignant, and the Beer -Barrel, and several 
 other journals, were very sarcastic in their com- 
 ments upon my conversion, as they termed it, 
 and hoped that 'my excellency,' if he resolved 
 to drink nothing but water himself, would not 
 refrain from giving wine to his friends, if he 
 ever entertained any. These snarling journal- 
 ists, however, did not know the liberty I had 
 reserved to myself, and that I was the friend of 
 the temperate use of the good things of this 
 world, and the enemy only of drunkenness, glut- 
 tony, and^all other excess. However, it did not 
 comport with my dignity to set these ill-natured 
 people right by any explanation, and the matter 
 gradually faded from the public mind — the more 
 rapidly, perhaps, as the excellent Pamfoozle, in 
 his own jaunty and good-humoured manner, took 
 care to mention, whenever the subject was touched 
 
GREAT SCHEMES. 207 
 
 upon in his hearing, that his excellency not 
 only enjoyed a glass of good wine, but had some 
 very choice bottles in his cellar, of which all his 
 friends were free to partake. 
 
 My adhesion to the great cause of temperance 
 procured me a visit of congratulation from Bluff, 
 who was already predisposed to look favourably 
 on my ideas and aspirations for the good of my 
 fellow-creatures in the government of Barataria. 
 The visit was the prelude to many more, some of 
 them paid to me alone, and some in company with 
 Sir Pump and Mr. Hyson Potts, a gentleman of 
 whom I had previously known nothing beyond 
 the name, but who proved to be a person of large 
 benevolence, resolved, if he could, to compel the 
 world to be virtuous and happy after his own par- 
 ticular method, and no other. All of these persons 
 were enthusiastic, especially Bluff, in favour of my 
 darling project, the establishment of the "High 
 Court of Humanity'' for the prevention of war. 
 Encouraged by their sympathy, I gradually un- 
 folded the whole series of reforms which I desired 
 to introduce into Barataria, if I could but secure 
 the aid of the leading statesmen of the country. 
 I found, however, that to make sure of their 
 
208 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 hearty cooperation it was necessary that I should 
 lend my aid, not only to their schemes for the 
 prevention of drunkenness, hut to several other 
 projects in which I saw no particular urgency. 
 One of them was the abolition of the political dis- 
 qualification of women for seats in Parliament or 
 on the Bench, and the opening up to maids, wives, 
 and widows of all the learned professions — medi- 
 cine, the law, the church, or any other that it was 
 their good- will and pleasure to adopt. My own 
 opinion was opposed to the intermeddling of wo- 
 men in the squabbles of political life, as I thought 
 I had made apparent to Theodosia Blue, Ange- 
 lina Eicketts, and XantippeProdgers. But I found 
 I could not count thoroughly upon the coopera- 
 tion of Bluff or of Sir Pump, to say nothing of 
 Hyson Potts, if I did not yield a little on this 
 point. In short, they would not help me to mount 
 my hobby unless I helped them to mount theirs. 
 I yielded so far at last, that T consented to aid a 
 movement for granting to all single women pay- 
 ing rent and taxes the same political rights as 
 were enjoyable by men. I contended that married 
 women desired no such rights, or would not ex- 
 ercise them if they were conferred; and that there 
 
GREAT SCHEMES. 209 
 
 ought to be but one vote for one household. As for 
 the entry of women into the learned professions, 
 that was a matter which I declined either to sup- 
 port or oppose, thinking that the women who de- 
 sired to compete with men as lawyers, doctors, or 
 preachers, might fight their own battle with pub- 
 lic opinion. On this point I was obstinate, in 
 spite of all the arguments that were used to con- 
 vert me, ending all discussion by the explanation 
 that I so utterly disliked womanly men and manly 
 women, that I would not lend myself to the un- 
 sexing of either, or to any attempt to disturb the 
 beautiful relations that Heaven and Nature had 
 established between the two. Bluff, Sir Pump, 
 and Hyson Potts ultimately expressed themselves 
 satisfied with the concession I had made on the 
 point of political privilege ; that is to say, the 
 right of voting to be accorded to all single wo- 
 men who paid taxes as mistresses of house or 
 household. 
 
 For many weeks we four earnest men de- 
 bated in a little parliament of our own our 
 schemes for the regeneration of Barataria, and 
 the establishment in that (to be) happy land of 
 a true system of society : the scheme which was 
 
 r 
 
210 BABON GBHOOSH. 
 
 to attract to its support all the advanced minds, 
 all the leading spirits of an age that called itself 
 an ' Age of Progress.' Like Lycurgus, we re- 
 solved to commence the reformation of the people 
 before their birth. It was his noble design that 
 the Spartans should be well-born ; and it was 
 mine that the Baratarians of the future should 
 be the children of such as were physically and 
 menially fitted to enter into the sacred state of 
 matrimony. To this end, it was proposed that no 
 marriage in Barataria should be considered legal, 
 unless the contracting parties had received cer- 
 tificates from a medical committee, composed of 
 physicians and physiologists, aided by a council 
 of matrons, midwives, and professional nurses, 
 that neither the proposed husband or the pro- 
 posed wife suffered from any physical incapacity 
 for producing and rearing a healthy offspring, 
 or from any hereditary taint or imperfection ; 
 that their ages were suitable ; that they were 
 neither scrofulous, imbecile, or insane; or too 
 closely related in blood. 
 
 Hoping by these means to secure in the next 
 generation a strong, a healthy, and a beautiful 
 people, the next step in our proposed reformation 
 
GREAT SCHEMES. 211 
 
 was to establish a system of compulsory educa- 
 tion for every child, rich or poor ; such education 
 to include, not only reading, writing, and arith- 
 metic, but geography, astronomy, music, athletics, 
 and the elements of physiology. The teaching of 
 religion was not to be compulsory, but to be left 
 wholly to the voluntary efforts of the clergy of 
 all denominations; to whom should be allotted 
 two days in every week, the Wednesday and the 
 Sunday, to call together all such children as 
 would come of their own free will, or as might 
 be sent by their parents, to be instructed in their 
 duty to God and man. I thought that there was 
 zeal enough among the preachers of Christianity 
 to carry on this good work ex proprio rnotu, with- 
 out state interference; believing that state in- 
 terference in the matter would have no other 
 result than to set all the churches and chapels 
 by the ears. The duty of the State, I thought, 
 was entirely confined to this world ; the duty of 
 the church, or the churches, to due preparation 
 for the next. 
 
 The third reform I proposed to inaugurate, 
 was to provide the means of healthful recreation 
 to all classes of the people. To this end I resolved, 
 
212 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 that to every town of Bar ataxia containing five 
 thousand inhabitants, or from five thousand to 
 ten thousand, should be allotted a convenient 
 plot of ground, to be converted into a public 
 park and gardens, in which there should be a 
 properly appointed gymnasium and a capacious 
 swimming bath, to be maintained at the public 
 expense. In such large cities as Muddletown, 
 and others of corresponding or lesser magnitude, 
 the number of the pleasure grounds, gymnasiums, 
 and swimming baths should be proportionate to 
 that of the population. It was my desire that 
 every Baratarian, male or female, should be taught 
 to swim ; for I considered that swimming was 
 not only a healthful exercise to keep the Bara- 
 tarians in good physical condition, but almost as 
 necessary as the power of walking on dry land, 
 to the comfortable and secure enjoyment of life 
 in a country like Barataria, entirely surrounded 
 by the sea. 
 
 The fourth step in my ladder of progress was 
 the abolition of the punishment of death ; not be- 
 cause it was a severe, but because it might be 
 an unjust, penalty, which once inflicted was irre- 
 parable. It is an error, in my opinion, to look upon 
 
GREAT SCHEMES. 213 
 
 Death, come when it will, as other than a divinely 
 appointed blessing, the lot of all who live; and 
 its infliction as a punishment as anything hut a 
 mistake. Men, as a rule, do not fear death, and 
 most people meet it when it comes with a re- 
 signed, if not happy, spirit. But pain is a punish- 
 ment that every one dreads; so I resolved that 
 pain, not death, should be the punishment of 
 the murderer in Barataria; pain to be inflicted 
 periodically as long as the murderer lived, which 
 I, and all of us, thought would be a greater de- 
 terrent from the commission of heinous crime 
 than the taking of the criminal's life. To escape 
 pain and disgrace, many a man and woman com- 
 mit the crime of self-murder. Consequently, pain 
 and disgrace may be severer penalties than death. 
 Therefore, pain and disgrace, added to the tempo- 
 rary or permanent deprivation of liberty, should 
 be the punishment of all great crime in Bara- 
 taria under my reformed system of government. 
 And in order that the honest people should not be 
 taxed too heavily for the support of murderers, 
 thieves, and other offenders, I resolved that all 
 such persons should be kept to labour in the 
 construction of useful public works, such as har- 
 
214 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 bours and breakwaters on the coasts, the drain- 
 ing of marshes and bogs, the embankment of 
 rivers subject to floods, the reclamation of lands 
 from the sea, and in the great cities the cleans- 
 ing of the streets. 
 
 The fifth project, a great favourite of mine, 
 was one for the diminution of the plague of law- 
 yers ; for if ever a country was lawyer-ridden, it 
 is Barataria. I know that it is impossible, and 
 were it not impossible, that it would be unwise, 
 to abolish the legal profession altogether, and let 
 every man be a law to himself. This would never 
 answer out of Bedlam, and, in fact, would not 
 answer even there ; but I had been of opinion 
 ever since I began to think on the matter, that 
 the production of lawyers was unduly and mis- 
 chievously stimulated, by placing under the ac- 
 tion of the law a great variety of small matters 
 in which law ought to be too high and dignified 
 to interfere. Why, if a tailor have given a man 
 credit for a pair of breeches, or a butcher have 
 provided a few pounds of beef and mutton for the 
 use of a man's family, should all the pomp, power, 
 majesty, and authority of the law and government 
 of Barataria be employed to help the tailor or the 
 
GREAT SCHEMES. 215 
 
 butcher to screw the money out of the unwilling, 
 or it might be the empty, pockets of his debtor? 
 Therefore I came to the conclusion that the right 
 to bring actions for debt in the courts, great or 
 small, of Barataria should be forthwith abolished. 
 By this means I calculated that at least half the 
 pettifoggers of the country would find their oc- 
 cupation gone, and be compelled of necessity to 
 adopt another, and I hoped a better, calling. Nor 
 was it my opinion that the trade and commerce 
 of Barataria would suffer in the slightest degree 
 by this social revolution. No debts arc so punc- 
 tually paid as debts of honour, of which the law 
 takes no cognisance ; and if every debt became a 
 debt of honour, as it would under my system, not 
 only would tradesmen and merchants exercise 
 more caution in the giving of credit, but ready- 
 money would, as a rule, be paid by almost every- 
 body. The State has higher functions and duties 
 than to be the collector of small debts for cre- 
 dulous creditors or greedy traders ; at least such 
 was the opinion to which I ultimately converted 
 Bluff, Hyson Potts, and Sir Pump Handell. 
 Another means which I thought would be highly 
 efficacious in the abatement of the nuisance of 
 
21 G BARON GRIMB0SH. 
 
 too many lawyers, was the preparation of a simple 
 form of procedure for the sale and transfer of 
 landed property, so that it would he as unneces- 
 sary to employ a law}'er or conveyancer in such 
 transactions, as it is to employ one of the ahove 
 fraternity in the disposal of a watch, a bale of 
 cotton, a leg of mutton, or a pennyworth of 
 apples. 
 
 * The lawyers will fight hard,' said Sir Pump. 
 
 1 About as hard as the brewers and publicans,' 
 replied I; 'but what signifies their fighting? 
 Shall not public opinion be too strong for them, 
 when we arc at the head of it ?' 
 
 'Not so sure,' said Sir Pump; 'but we shall 
 try nevertheless.' 
 
 Another reform of the law, much needed, 
 which I incorporated in my programme, was the 
 establishment of a public prosecutor, a func- 
 tionary who, in the interest of the whole people, 
 should set the law in motion ; and who should 
 not only take cognisance of the higher order of 
 offences, but of those minor, though, as I hold, 
 very serious offences against the public health and 
 the public pocket, involved in the adulteration of 
 food, drink, medicine, or the selling of any article 
 
GREAT SCHEMES. 217 
 
 by fraudulent weights and measures. If I could 
 but eradicate these mean vices, the unwholesome 
 produce of modern civilisation, which had taken 
 the place of the more daring and courageous 
 crimes committed by the highwaymen and bur- 
 glars of a previous age, I would by that act 
 alone, justify my claim to be considered a true 
 reformer. I resolved to punish them not by fines 
 in money, which the rogues would pay, and laugh 
 in their sleeves when they had done so, but by 
 personal punishment on their dastard skins, and 
 by the deprivation of political right, and the 
 license to sell for a long term of years, until they 
 had learned by bitter experience that it was as 
 wicked for a shopkeeper to rob a customer, as it 
 would be for the customer to put his hand into 
 the shopkeeper's till, and abstract his money. 
 
 In my next project, which was the regulation 
 and abatement of the liquor traffic, with a view 
 to the permanent extinction of drunkenness in 
 Barataria, the whole strength and experience of 
 Bluff, Hyson Potts, and Sir Pump Handell were 
 brought to my aid. That the reform should be 
 radical and complete, it was resolved that public- 
 houses, gin-shops, and beer-shops should be 
 
218 BARON GKIMBOSH. 
 
 wholly abolished throughout the. length and 
 breadth of Barataria; and that wine, beer, and 
 spirituous liquors should only be sold in three 
 descriptions of establishments, the number of 
 which, in every town and city, should be strictly 
 proportioned to the number of the inhabitants. 
 The first was the hotel of the place, which was 
 to be strictly prohibited from selling or giving or 
 otherwise providing wine or beer or other fer- 
 mented liquors to any persons but bond fide tra- 
 vellers staying temporarily in the house ; the se- 
 cond was to be situated in a central and conve- 
 nient part of every district, at the rate of one to 
 every thousand — Sir Pump thought five thousand 
 — inhabitants, to sell beer and wine by retail to 
 all such as chose to send for it in their own jugs 
 or bottles, and take it to their own homes for 
 consumption. The sale of gin, brandy, whisky, or 
 other spirits, was to be prohibited altogether ex- 
 cept as medicine, to be provided only by licensed 
 chemists and druggists on the production of a 
 certificate from a properly qualified medical prac- 
 titioner. And to guard against possible abuse of 
 this privilege, every dose of such spirits sold by 
 a chemist or druggist was to be rendered un- 
 
GREAT SCHEMES. 219 
 
 palatable by. the infusion of a few drops of some 
 harmless but nauseous drug. By these means 
 temptation would be removed from the sight of 
 the people, and all those temperate persons who, 
 like myself, thought there was good rather than 
 harm in the moderate consumption of wine and 
 beer, would be able to procure in their own 
 homes as much as they pleased to purchase. Sir 
 Pump was not quite satisfied to allow so much 
 liberty ; but knowing as he did, and as everybody 
 who undertakes a share in the government of a 
 great people ought to know, that all government, 
 and even liberty itself, is more or less of a com- 
 promise, he agreed to accept the measure as an 
 instalment of a future and much greater demand, 
 and to advocate and support it to the best of his 
 ability. 
 
 Last and noblest of all my projects, was the 
 establishment of the "High Court of Humanity. " 
 The realisation of this idea would, I fondly hoped, 
 render my name illustrious for evermore — second 
 to few in the long muster-roll of the world's best 
 heroes ; — the heroes of peace. For the sake of 
 this idea, this grand idea, this noble idea, as I 
 could not help considering it, I had sold, or in 
 
220 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 a manner pawned, my convictions oi\ other mat- 
 ters. I consented to palter with my conscience 
 on the great though minor question of the beer 
 of the Baratarians. But the majestic nature of 
 the object to be attained justified the sacrifice, 
 if it were a sacrifice, which perhaps it was not. 
 And having made a treaty of alliance with Sir 
 Pump and his friends, my next business was to 
 secure the aid of Pamfoozle, or try to secure it. 
 I was not at all sanguine on this point. Indeed 
 I greatly doubted whether that respectable gen- 
 tleman was a reformer at all, and whether he 
 would not wash his hands of most, if not all, of 
 my schemes as soon as I had explained them. 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 PAMFOOZLE RESIGNS, AND BAMBOOZLE REFUSES TO ACCEPT OFFICE. 
 
 I was not deceived in my estimate of the cau- 
 tion or the timidity of Pamfoozle. He listened 
 with the most conrteons attention as I gradually 
 explained the whole scope and tendency of my 
 grand measures of reform. Looking upon him 
 as a man of great experience, as well as of most 
 estimable character, who had a thorough know- 
 ledge of the world, I entreated him, as a per- 
 sonal favour, to tell me whether I might reckon 
 upon his support and cooperation. 
 
 ' Your excellency has been born long before 
 your time ; you are far in advance of your age,' 
 he replied, with a genial smile ; ' which I rather 
 think is a misfortune for anybody, especially for 
 a statesman. No reforming king, emperor, pope, 
 president, or governor, ever did or ever will gain 
 any credit or do any good for himself or for his 
 people. His motives are sure to be misunder- 
 stood and his character to be vilified. Happy 
 
222 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 for liim if no worse happens ! The great majority 
 of mankind in all countries are conservative, 
 though they won't always confess it. Politics is 
 the art of standing still with safety. "Never 
 move, unless you cannot help yourself." That is 
 the golden maxim of all government, not alone 
 in free but in despotic countries. I have made it 
 my rule of conduct during my whole political 
 life, and resisted all attempts at change, until I 
 saw change was inevitable and would be effected 
 without me. Then, and only then, I yielded; 
 never before the eleventh hour, and generally 
 after the eleventh hour had travelled half way 
 onwards to the twelfth.' 
 
 'But is not such delay both dangerous and 
 injurious?' 
 
 ']STot at all. It is safe — the only safety; 
 and so far from being injurious, it is beneficial. 
 "Wise resistance ripens men's thoughts, and edu- 
 cates the people. Some of your ideas I think ex- 
 tremely good — the High Court of Humanity, for 
 instance — if you could but persuade half a dozen 
 of the most powerful potentates in the world to 
 agree with you. Still I will support that on 
 principle, though I don't believe it will ever come 
 
PAMFOOZLE RESIGNS. 223 
 
 to anything in my time, or in yours cither. 
 Your parks, gymnasia, and swimming-baths I by 
 no means object to, and will advocate, if need be, 
 if properly introduced to the legislature, and 
 likely to be carried. Compulsory education does 
 not offend me; indeed I rather like the notion. 
 A man is compelled to be clothed, and why 
 should he not be compelled to be educated? 
 The Earatarians, some day or other, will have to 
 establish a grand educational system — at least 
 such is my opinion — whether the ministers of re- 
 ligion approve of it or not. But the time is 
 not ripe for it, and may not be for twenty years ; 
 and if I were in your excellency's position, I 
 would not lend my countenance to it at present. 
 Let others agitate it, write about it, speak about 
 it, while you and your ministers keep silent 
 until you are compelled to speak. I am not sure 
 that you are not entirely right about the law- 
 yers, and about the abolition of the punishment 
 of death ; but why, in the name of all that is prac- 
 tical, prudent, and sensible, have you taken it 
 into your head to meddle with the marriage laws 
 and more especially with the beer of the Eara- 
 tarians? Eeer, your excellency, is a sacred 
 
224 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 thing, not to be profanely or unnecessarily 
 touched ; and the marriage question, as you put 
 it, though it was good for Sparta, would never 
 do for Barataria. Leave it alone, or employ 
 somebody to write a book about it, that you may 
 see what the public thinks. But I tell you 
 frankly, that to entertain the question as a 
 matter within the province of government or le- 
 gislation is sheer infatuation and lunacy. Peo- 
 ple will think the idea so theoretically good, but 
 so wholly unpractical, that they will call your 
 excellency a poet, which in Barataria is fatal to 
 any man's character as a man of business or com- 
 mon sense. Poets, I grant you, are men of un- 
 common sense — the quintessence of sense — but 
 we don't like uncommon sense in Barataria ; and 
 as for the quintessence of sense, we leave it to 
 madmen, to men of genius, who, as the phrases 
 go, "have a slate loose," or "a bee in their 
 bonnet." The same advice that I give about 
 your beautiful marriage project may be given in 
 the case of the beer of Barataria. To meddle with 
 the poor man's beer is, in the poor man's opinion, 
 the crime of treason against the people. Yoii 
 may deprive a Baratarian of his vote, and tax 
 
PAMFOOZLE RESIGNS. 225 
 
 him, till lie can bear taxation no longer, and he 
 will growl, and grumble, and show his teeth as 
 is his wont ; but if you attempt to deprive him 
 of his beer, look out for squalls and cracking of 
 skulls.' 
 
 ' 0, but we shall cause the peace to be well 
 preserved, never fear. I shall answer for that.' 
 
 ' You could not,' replied Pamfoozle. ' If you 
 meddled with the beer with the view of stopping 
 the people's allowance, or preventing them from 
 obtaining it in doors or out, the police would not 
 lift a truncheon, and the soldiers would not fire a 
 shot, in such an unpopular cause. Let the beer 
 alone. You may deprive the rich of their wine 
 and their brandy (though I by no means think 
 you will), without creating a revolution, or even 
 civil strife; but if you touch the poor man's beer 
 by any such legislation as you propose, the minis- 
 try whom you employ for the purpose is doomed; 
 and, excuse my plain speaking, I don't think 
 the gubernatorial chair itself would be quite 
 safe. Such a shaking and rattling of the elements 
 as would burst over Barataria has not been seen 
 since the days when a former Governor's head 
 was cut off. Your excellency has written the 
 
 Q 
 
22 G BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 Political History of Hunger, in twenty volumes — 
 a capital book, I hope I shall be able to read 
 it during the leisure I shall enjoy when out of 
 office — and you will have to study the Political 
 History of Thirst before long, if you or your ad- 
 visers persist in your frantic scheme for making 
 the Baratarians sober by act of parliament or by 
 police regulations. It won't do, your excel- 
 lency ; Baratarian human nature won't stand it.' 
 I had never seen Pamfoozle so greatly ex- 
 cited, and I suppose that my face expressed sur- 
 prise at the unusual vehemence of one who, in 
 all ordinary affairs, was so calm and undemon- 
 strative ; for he said, suddenly relapsing into the 
 quieter manner which was habitual to him, 
 ' Excuse my warmth ; and believe that in speak- 
 ing as I have spoken, I had not only the peace 
 of Barataria, but your excellency's welfare at 
 heart. Try one of the smallest of your schemes 
 to begin with, that you may see the stuff of 
 which Baratarians are made; and profit by the 
 experience of a veteran, which tells him that it 
 is never good in statesmanship to have too many 
 irons in the fire. The fewer the better ; best of 
 all to have none. Sit by the fire and warm 
 
PAMFOOZLE RESIGNS. 227 
 
 yourself; let others poke it. If you must and 
 will go to work as a reformer, which I by no 
 means advise, I should think the appointment of 
 a public prosecutor, and the establishment of 
 parks, recreation grounds, gymnasia, and swim- 
 ming baths for the people of Barataria, in close 
 contiguity to every considerable town or village, 
 would be quite enough to try your strength and 
 philanthropy.' 
 
 'But these are such small matters,' said I. 
 < Small !' he replied sharply. < I call them 
 large ; much larger than I should like to under- 
 take, if I were a minister and wished to remain 
 one. In meddling, by means of a public prose- 
 cutor, with the adulterators of food and drink, 
 and the selling by false weight and measure, you 
 would have a million or two of shopkeepers 
 enraged against your government, most of whom 
 possessing votes might contrive at the first par- 
 liamentary election to place you in a minority. 
 And as for the parks and swimming baths, 
 though I approve of them, I think that the Bara- 
 tarian people might possibly object to pay for 
 them. A wise and powerful despot might estab- 
 lish them ; not a free government.' 
 
228 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 ' Of course there are difficulties,' I replied ; 
 ' but difficulties do not, and never did, daunt me.' 
 
 ' I wish I could say as much for myself. Dif- 
 ficulties do daunt me, especially if they are sleep- 
 ing lions that there is no necessity to arouse. Dif- 
 ficulties that may chance to be insuperable are 
 such ugly customers, that I never like to knock 
 my head against them. Besides, I am growing 
 old, and need repose, and shall be obliged to your 
 excellency to accept my resignation of office. I 
 am too old to court unnecessary strife. You must 
 send for Bamboozle, and if you are more suc- 
 cessful with him than you have been with me, 
 I, who am seldom surprised at anything, shall be 
 very much surprised indeed.' 
 
 Pamfoozle shook hands cordially with me at 
 parting. In less than an hour afterwards I sent 
 for Bamboozle, who, though suffering from an at- 
 tack of his old ancestral enemy the gout, waited 
 on me without much delay. He was attended by 
 his faithful Benoni, his alter ego, without whose 
 cooperation he never consented to assume the 
 leadership in public affairs. I found that I had 
 not mended matters by appealing to these gentle- 
 men. If Pamfoozle would not move an ell, Bam- 
 
SENDS FOR BAMBOOZLE. 229 
 
 boozle and Benoni would not move an inch. They 
 did not laugh me to scorn, but they lifted their 
 eyebrows with a surprise that was none the less 
 perceptible, because it was as much as possible 
 suppressed. They heard, but positively declined 
 to discuss, my schemes; — my great, my noble 
 schemes, for the regeneration of their country. 
 Bamboozle was patronising to me in his own 
 grand way, and, with the condescension of a 
 hero to his valet-de-chambre, was good enough to 
 explain to me, that the less I meddled in public 
 affairs the better; that although nominally a 
 governor, it was no business of mine to govern ; 
 that I was, in fact, a dummy, set up in a par- 
 ticular place to keep other men out of it, and 
 that chaos would come again, if dummies per- 
 mitted themselves the unwarrantable luxury of 
 having wills and ideas of their own, except on 
 minor matters, wherein no great party or national 
 issues were involved. 
 
 'In Barataria,' said Benoni, blandly and 
 kindly, as if I were a great school-boy, who had 
 misunderstood his Virgil, but who did not there- 
 fore merit any severe punishment, at least for 
 the first offence, ' we have the habit of dismiss- 
 
230 BARON GKIMBOSH. 
 
 ing any government that displeases us. That 
 is right and constitutional, and in every way 
 proper. But your excellency is not the govern- 
 ment, and we cannot get rid of you without a 
 revolution — peaceful or otherwise — by which we 
 should get into difficulties with the Great Llama 
 of Pumpernickel, who appointed you. If we — that 
 is to say, my noble friend and myself — were to take 
 office under you on the terms proposed, we should 
 ruin ourselves, as politicians and statesmen, for 
 ever.' 
 
 ' Which is what I have no intention of doing,' 
 said Bamboozle emphatically, and with a flavour 
 of acerbity which may have proceeded from his 
 gout, or from the intensity of his determination, 
 or from a mixture of the two. ' Barataria is the 
 land of common sense, plain common sense, un- 
 pretending common sense ; — the land of prece- 
 dents ; — a land in which public men never move 
 a step forward without being assured that they 
 can step on solid ground, and not into a quagmire 
 or a bottomless pit. If you persevere in your 
 reforms, or in the attempt even to discuss such 
 reforms as your marriage laws and the unjustifi- 
 able interference with the poor man's beer, which 
 
CONSULTS THE DUCHESS. 231 
 
 I honestly and sincerely hope you will not do, 
 you should send for Bluff. At all events consult 
 him, if you will not think better of the whole 
 subject, and be content to let well alone. I 
 don't think that even Bluff will go along with 
 you.' 
 
 I was of a different opinion, and after the de- 
 parture of Bamboozle and Benoni, resolved to 
 send for Bluff and Sir Pump Handell on the fol- 
 lowing morning, to take counsel with my friends 
 and sympathisers rather than with my opponents, 
 or at all events my non-sympathisers. Of course, 
 I knew beforehand that they would be with me; 
 but as a constitutional ruler (constitutions are 
 humbugs, and won't work unless in fair weather) 
 I was compelled to consult the opposition. I had 
 consulted it, and there was an end of my constitu- 
 tional obligation. I took counsel of myself over 
 my evening cigar, and before sending for Bluff 
 and Sir Pump Handell I had a long confabulation 
 with Juanita. 
 
 ' I don't care about politics, and you know I 
 don't,' said she ; ' but since you have asked my 
 opinion, I think that Pamfoozle and Bamboozle 
 have given you excellent advice. The Bara- 
 
232 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 tarians are not babies, and you are not a here- 
 ditary monarch ruling by right divine, with a 
 big army to do your bidding, whether it be right 
 or wrong.' 
 
 ' But though not babies, they are a reasonable 
 people,' I replied; 'and if I place myself at the 
 head of the intellect and philanthropy of the time, 
 I shall prove to the wise and good, and after- 
 wards to those who are not yet wise and good, 
 but who may become wise and good at a future 
 time, that my measures are all framed to secure 
 their happiness.' 
 
 ' People like to be happy in their own way. 
 I know I do,' replied Juanita, ' and they won't be 
 made happy on compulsion. You can't even 
 make a baby happy unless it likes. I know if I 
 were the governor of Earataria, I would not 
 meddle too much either with the happiness or the 
 misery of the people. Kings and governors are 
 poor creatures, and not half so mighty as they 
 think themselves.' 
 
 ' I admit that ; — but they have duties ; and 
 my duty is to govern these people wisely.' 
 
 1 Your duty is to keep the peace, and not to 
 worry the people by unnecessary interference.' 
 
CONSULTS THE DUCHESS. ZOO 
 
 ' And you really think my proposed changes 
 unnecessary ?' 
 
 ' Yes, most of them.' 
 
 'What? The establishment of a sj^stem of 
 compulsory education for every Baratarian child?' 
 
 ' "Well, I can't say it is unnecessary; but if I 
 wanted to introduce such a great reform as that, I 
 would devote all my mind to it until I carried it, 
 and would not encumber myself with other things.' 
 
 ' And the punishment of the mean rogues 
 who poison and adulterate almost every article 
 they sell, do you call that unnecessary ?' 
 
 ' Not exactly; only you must not attempt too 
 much. Don't bewilder the poor people's brains. 
 They can't become good all at once.' 
 
 4 And the marriage only of the wise, the 
 brave, the lovely, and the healthy, is that not a 
 grand idea ?' 
 
 ' Too grand for me. Perhaps even you and I 
 might not have come together, if the rule had 
 been strictly enforced. In short, it's all rubbish, 
 and I don't want to talk any more about it, ex- 
 cept just to say, that I'm quite sure you'll drop 
 it. If you don't, you'll make yourself ridiculous, 
 and that's about the worst thing that can happen 
 
234 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 to you, or anybody else in Barataria. If I were 
 a king, an emperor, or a governor, I'd rather be 
 bated than laughed at.' 
 
 In all my wedded life, I had never found that 
 Juanita had given me any advice that was not 
 based on common sense and shrewd observation 
 of the world. She was not only a sensible, but 
 a clever woman, without knowing that she was 
 so, or making the slightest pretence to superior 
 wisdom. I early learned to profit by her counsel, 
 though I sometimes tried to conceal, both from 
 myself and her, the fact of my indebtedness to 
 her judgment, and acted upon it, while pretend- 
 ing to go against it. But she was a merciful 
 disputant — if I am not wrong in calling her a 
 disputant at all — and never unfairly pressed an 
 advantage over an opponent. Perhaps she did 
 not always see when she had the advantage in 
 an argument. But whether she saw or did not, 
 there never was any sign of superiority or triumph 
 upon her comely countenance. She went on to 
 say in the most natural manner in the world, and 
 as if she were wholly unaware that she was 
 twisting and turning me round her fingers like a 
 piece of thread, 
 
CONSULTS THE DUCHESS. 235 
 
 ' I think, Herman, if I were you, I would not 
 break with Pamfoozle altogether. Perhaps he 
 would consent to remain in office, and support 
 one of your projects, say the High Court of 
 Humanity.' 
 
 1 was convinced that Pamfoozle' s resignation 
 was final ; and that even if I consented to aban- 
 don all my great ideas, and be contented to do 
 nothing as long as he lived, he would not re- 
 consider his determination. Besides, I was in a 
 manner pledged to Bluff and Sir Pump Handell, 
 though I had been compelled, by constitutional 
 usage, to apply to the chiefs of the two great 
 parties of the ' ins' and the ' outs,' that always 
 exist in countries where there are parliaments, 
 and where the ' gift of the gab' is the one thing 
 needful for government. Failing the assistance of 
 these, recourse to a third and independent party, 
 to be recruited, if need were, out of both the others, 
 was open to me ; and this course I was bound, by 
 honour to the gentlemen whom I had consulted, 
 to adopt. But after the interviews with Pam- 
 foozle and Bamboozle, and finding that Juanita 
 agreed in the main with the objections which 
 they had, independently of each other, raised 
 
236 BARON GRJMBOSH. 
 
 against the largeness and multifariousness of the 
 schemes of reform which I had drawn up, I came 
 unwillingly to the conclusion that it would be 
 unwise in me to attempt to pour my gallon of 
 philosophy into the pint measure of the existing 
 mind of Barataria; and that I should confine 
 my efforts, and those of my ministers, entirely to 
 such measures as we might fairly hope to carry. 
 I finally resolved upon three only : the establish- 
 ment, if possible, of the High Court of Humanity, 
 for the settlement of all international differences, 
 and the consequent abolition of war. That was, 
 I thought, a safe measure ; and would not touch 
 the pockets or do violence to the religious senti- 
 ment of the Baratarians. The second was, the 
 compulsory education of all the children of Bara- 
 taria, rich and poor ; to be insisted upon, not as 
 a favour conferred upon, but a right inherent in, 
 all children born into the land. The third and 
 last, without which I could not secure the co- 
 operation of Bluff and Sir Pump Handell, was the 
 abolition of drunkenness by act of parliament, and 
 the adoption of all necessary measures to that end. 
 Having finally settled these points in my own 
 mind, and adjourned the remainder of my schemes 
 
CONSULTS THE DUCHESS. 237 
 
 to that indefinite future day when action might 
 be possible, I sent for Bluff, and offered him the 
 post of chief secretary; and for Sir Pump Handell, 
 to place at his command such other office in my 
 government as it might please him to accept. 
 
CHAPTER XV. 
 
 THE PDMP-HANDELL ADMINISTRATION. 
 
 Bluff refused the chief secretaryship, but being 
 vigorously pressed consented to occupy the re- 
 sponsible post of Minister for Foreign Affairs. 
 Sir Pump Handell became chief of my adminis- 
 tration, and Mr. Hyson Potts became Minister of 
 Education and Controller of Parks and Public 
 Amusements. It was my earnest desire to enlist 
 into my service the venerable Monkshood, a man 
 who had grown gray in the service of the state, 
 and who, as already stated, was the represen- 
 tative of the junior branch of a very ancient 
 family that had been enriched by the confis- 
 cation of the property of the monks in Barataria. 
 But he declined to listen to my overtures : first, 
 on the plea that he was too old ; and second, that 
 he would not be a party to the first promulgation 
 of my project for the establishment of a High 
 Court of Humanity, unless he were previously 
 
THE PUMP HANDELL ADMINISTRATION. 239 
 
 well assured that at least three of the greatest 
 powers of the world would bind themselves to ac- 
 cede to it. This was a difficult condition, and I 
 was reluctantly compelled to do as well as I could 
 without the aid of this cautious statesman. 
 
 There was one very clever person named 
 Cagg, endowed with great powers of tongue, fa- 
 mous for vituperation, and for epigrammatic 
 sallies, that stung, if they did not poison, wher- 
 ever they hit, whom it was considered expedient 
 to tame by putting him in harness. He had done 
 his little best to render all government impossi- 
 ble in Barataria, but caught at the bait of office 
 with a voracity which surprised me, and became 
 the national purse-bearer, in lieu of Monkshood, 
 whom I should have greatly preferred. 
 
 Another gentleman, a very eloquent, a very 
 learned, a very estimable man, a native of Gram- 
 piana, whom I particularly wished to accept 
 office, was Mr. Hooly, already mentioned; a 
 member of the family of the Hooly s and Fairly s, 
 and one of the six statesmen whom I had most 
 wished to meet on my arrival in Barataria ; but 
 he did not see his way to joining Sir Pump Han- 
 dell ; he did not agree with him in the matter of 
 
240 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 beer, and I knew, though he did not say so, that 
 he was not satisfied with a subordinate position, 
 and aspired to the first place. Nevertheless, we 
 made him an offer, and I would have unfeignedly 
 rejoiced if he had accepted it. Failing him, Sir 
 Pump applied to Eaddles, a lawyer, and a very 
 energetic public speaker, who accepted the post 
 of Minister of the War Department, of which I 
 fondly hoped he would be the last occupant, as 
 under the regime which I hoped to establish by 
 aid of the High Court of Humanity, there would 
 be no need of such an official in Barataria, or any 
 other civilised country. One Magg, a ponderous 
 country gentleman, a chairman of quarter ses- 
 sions, staunch as Sir Pump Handell on the Gin 
 and Beer question, and a very attentive man of 
 business, was appointed Minister of the Home 
 Department. 
 
 The negotiations for the filling up of these and 
 many minor offices occupied several days, during 
 all which time Juanita employed herself in such 
 a way as to increase her popularity and my own. 
 She visited schools and public institutions, sent 
 cakes and apples to the children who were hale 
 and hearty, and playthings to the children who 
 
THE PUMP HANDELL ADMINISTRATION. 241 
 
 were recovering from sickness. She administered 
 bountiful presents of food and luxuries to the 
 patients in all the hospitals of Muddletown, sub- 
 scribed liberally to every charitable institution 
 that appealed to her for aid, gave concerts and 
 balls, and held receptions, and won the good 
 opinion of everybody. But / was less fortunate. 
 Pamfoozle's resignation was generally regretted ; 
 Bamboozle's refusal to accept office was con- 
 sidered as exceedingly mysterious ; and the name 
 of Sir Pump Handell appeared to the people to be 
 so ominous of some dark design to interfere with 
 a Baratarian's right to get drunk if it so pleased 
 him, as to excite great dissatisfaction. Bluff's 
 name was more favourably received. He was 
 known to be a great authority on all matters of 
 trade, and the Baratarians, as a nation, understand 
 trade a great deal better than they understand 
 politics, theology, the fine arts, or poetry ; and 
 more even than this — though personally combat- 
 ive and aggressive, he was in favour of peace 
 among the nations, and looked upon the profes- 
 sion of a soldier with disapproval, and as one that 
 ought to be forthwith abolished. Everybody 
 thought he would have made a good soldier him- 
 
24:2 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 self, but such was not his own opinion ; and his 
 acceptance of the post of Minister for Foreign Af- 
 fairs was held to be of good augury for the peace 
 of the world, or rather of that portion of the 
 world which Barataria could either disturb or in- 
 fluence. As the great council or parliament of 
 the nation was not in session at the time when 
 these changes were made, the new cabinet trans- 
 acted its business very much on the old footing, 
 allowing the machine of government to roll in its 
 usual course, and busying itself chiefly, but 
 quietly, with the preparation of those measures 
 for the good of the country which, in my opinion, 
 was to distinguish my governorship, and to make 
 Barataria a model to the world. The newspapers 
 by no means took kindly to the change, but they 
 rather hinted dislike than very openly expressed 
 it, for we took care to keep our own secrets until 
 the proper time for divulging them. 
 
 The time came at last. The time always does 
 come, when a payment has to be made or an act 
 has to be performed. A proposal for the estab- 
 lishment of a 'High Court of Humanity' was 
 announced by myself in a special message to 
 the legislature, and supported with all the elo- 
 
THE HIGH COURT OF HUMANITY. 243 
 
 quence at their command by Bluff and Sir Pump 
 Handell. 
 
 It was up-hill work at first. To use a vulgar 
 Baratarian phrase, the people ' didn't see it.' It 
 was all very fine — very admirable — very humane 
 — very Christian ; very everything that it ought 
 to be, said the sneering and pococurante critics 
 of the press and the legislature; but it was fitter 
 for Utopia or Cloudland than for Barataria or 
 Europe, or the actual earth on which men trod. 
 ' No doubt,' said one orator, whose special busi- 
 ness was to jeer and sneer at everything, ' it is 
 very well for honest men to say that they will 
 cease to bolt and bar their doors, and expose 
 their gold, silver, and precious jewelry openly on 
 their window-sills, in the hope that the thieves, 
 touched by these marks of confidence, will steal 
 no more ; but how if the thieves positively de- 
 cline to enter into the arrangement ?' 
 
 ' In my opinion,' said another, ' it will be as- 
 difficult to convert the nations of the world, or 
 the rulers of the nations, to the principles of 
 peace, as to convert robbers to the principles of 
 honesty.' ' And in mine,' said a third, ' the pro- 
 posal to abolish war is an absurdity. There must 
 
244 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 always be a possibility of war, in order to restrain 
 the evil passions of the covetous and the ambi- 
 tions. Suppose the High Court of Humanity 
 were established, consisting of, let me say, seven 
 sovereign states and powers, and two of these were 
 to quarrel on a point of honour, or of desired ac- 
 quisition of territory, and insisted, contrary to the 
 judgment of the Court, in fighting it out after 
 the old fashion ; would not the other five, in such 
 a case, have to make war against the other two, 
 and compel them to obedience by force of arms ? 
 In fact, peace is such a blessed thing, that it is 
 not to be had without war, or the chance of it. 
 Peace a tout prix means peace at the price of 
 war. War cannot be abolished, and it is not de- 
 sirable to abolish it as the final arbiter, when 
 reason fails to assert its superiority over the 
 minds of men and nations.' 
 
 Bluff answered the last and the previous 
 speakers by an argumentative and philosophical 
 oration, in which he pointed out that the object 
 of the proposed High Court was not the abolition 
 but the diminution of war. He did not expect 
 that wars would wholly cease ; but he did expect 
 that they would become less frequent than of old, 
 
THE HIGH COURT OF HUMANITY. 245 
 
 and that such a High Court as his excellency 
 proposed to establish, in conjunction with the 
 leading powers of the world, would so discounte- 
 nance the mere idea of war, as to reduce its pos- 
 sibility to a minimum. It needed some great 
 power to take the initiative in making such a 
 proposal to the rest; and no power was better 
 fitted than Barataria, from her geographical 
 position and noble history, to point out to other 
 nations the path alike of duty, of civilisation, and 
 of true Christianity. Even to make such a pro- 
 posal and fail to carry it to completion, was an 
 honour ; and he never would regret, but, on the 
 contrary, would be proud to the end of his life, 
 of the part he had taken in submitting the pro- 
 ject to the Parliament of Barataria. His excel- 
 lency might (he said), in the exercise of his un- 
 doubted prerogative, have submitted the proposal 
 to foreign powers by means of the Baratarian 
 ambassadors at their courts, and solicited the 
 opinions of the several emperors, kings, and 
 other potentates on the expediency and necessity 
 of such a holy alliance, for the purposes of peace 
 and goodwill; but he preferred, and he (Bluff) 
 thought wisely, to submit it, not on his own be- 
 
246 EARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 half merely, but on that of the whole Parliament 
 and people of Barataria. Though nothing might 
 immediately come of it, though the ignorant and 
 foolish might laugh it to scorn, the mere dis- 
 cussion of a project so vast and beneficent was a 
 public advantage. Xo man living could say 
 what ultimate good might not result from the 
 authoritative presentation of the idea to the high- 
 est intelligence of an intellectual age. ' Cast thy 
 bread upon the waters,' was said of old time, 
 ' and thou shalt find it after many days.' And 
 so of this great project. The bread might be 
 thrown, apparently to waste, upon the great tide 
 of opinion. But the many days would have their 
 course, and the bread would be found again, mul- 
 tiplied and magnified a hundred and a thousand 
 fold. Bluff therefore proposed that the Governor 
 should be requested by the Parliament of Bara- 
 taria to negotiate, through his accredited ambas- 
 sadors at the courts of the great sovereigns of 
 the world, a treaty of mutual disarmament, by 
 which each power should bind itself to reduce its 
 army to a maximum force of ten thousand men ; 
 the said army to be employed for police, and not 
 for merely military purposes ; and that of those 
 
THE HIGH COUHT OF HUMANITY. 247 
 
 ten thousand men, one thousand should be annu- 
 ally sent to their homes and to the pursuits of 
 profitable industry, until at the end often years, 
 the world, accustomed to peace and to peaceful 
 ways, would be enabled to dispense with armies 
 altogether. He entered into yery elaborate cal- 
 culations to prove the enormous benefits that 
 would accrue to society, if this arrangement were 
 effected ; and the millions upon millions of money, 
 sufficient to pay off all the debts of all the states 
 in the world, that would speedily accumulate if 
 ' the destroyers, by which he meant the soldiers, 
 were all turned into producers. 
 
 The Baratarian people seemed to be more 
 amused than edified with the project and the dis- 
 cussions it produced, and the comic journals and 
 the professional caricaturists began to turn me 
 and my friends into good-natured ridicule. The 
 Baratarians, however, are, and always were, a 
 pugnacious race, and will fight their wives if 
 they have no one else to fight with ; — so Bluff 
 said, and so I believe ; because my own observa- 
 tion and study of the Baratarian character veri- 
 fied what he asserted. But I was not discouraged, 
 for I knew my great idea would grow upon the 
 
248 BARON GBJMBOSH. 
 
 popular mind, and bear fruit in due season. But 
 I could not help thinking that Sir Pump Handell 
 thought more of his own particular idea than 
 of mine, and that if he could only prevent the 
 Baratarians from drinking wine, spirits, and beer, 
 they might quarrel with one another, and with 
 the whole world, on cold water as much as they 
 pleased. Perhaps I did him wrong; — perhaps 
 not; — but I know he was much more zealous and 
 active in riding his own hobby than he was in 
 riding mine, if hobby it could be called; the grand, 
 the glorious, the noble, the Christian idea of trans- 
 forming all the hungry wolves of the world into 
 innocent lambs, and settling all national differ- 
 ences by fair words. Bluff, however, was with 
 me, heart and soul, and all his mind and strength, 
 so that I could forgive Sir Pump a little luke- 
 warmness when I had so sturdy a supporter on 
 whom I could depend at all hazards. 
 
 Sir Pump's great bill was introduced into 
 Parliament in the fulness of time, and met with 
 a sorry reception. In spite of all the efforts 
 made to secure a favourable hearing for it, in 
 spite of the eloquence of all the philosophers in 
 the House, and in spite also of the fear of a dis- 
 
THE BEER AND GIN QUESTION. 240 
 
 solution (always a powerful influence with weak 
 men in uncertain seats, who would vote black, 
 white, or at the least an unmistakable gray, in- 
 clining to white as much as to black, rather than 
 run the risk of facing their constituents before 
 the time on which they had calculated) the Ba- 
 ratarian Parliament rejected the measure by the 
 crushing majority of 447 against 2G. Great and 
 overwhelming was the influence of Beer. Strong 
 was the spirit of the men of Gin, and of those 
 who made, sold, or drank it. 
 
 "What was to be done ? My opinion was to 
 acquiesce in the decision, take the rebuff quietly, 
 wait for a better opportunity, and then begin 
 again ; not for the sake of the beer and gin, but 
 of the High Court of Humanity. Sir Pump was 
 more impatient. He came to me on the morning 
 after his defeat, looking so angry, that I won- 
 dered if, as a cold-water drinker, he could be 
 so hot, what he would have been had he drank 
 brandy and seltzer, or even Chateau Margaux. 
 His opinion was that the country was wiser than 
 the Parliament, and was not only ripe for the 
 High Court of Humanity, but for the legislative 
 abolition of drunkenness. It was my duty, he 
 
250 BAKON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 thought, to dismiss and dissolve the existing and 
 ignorant Parliament, too much corrupted by 
 public-house and tavern influences to care for 
 the moral elevation of the people and the cause 
 of Christian civilisation, and to summon another 
 more in accordance with the advanced opinion of 
 the best and wisest men (himself and me). The 
 question was a serious one, and I resolved to 
 take ample time to consider it in all its bearings 
 and ramifications. Not that I cared greatly for 
 the defeat of the liquor bill, for I inclined to 
 think that a poor man had as much right to 
 his beer as I had to my claret, provided he 
 would not break the peace if he took too much 
 of it ; but my High Court of Humanity had be- 
 come so inextricably mixed up with Sir Pump's 
 measure, and the existence of Sir Pump Handell's 
 administration, that I could not, in justice to my 
 great cause, decide too carefully. 
 
 I consulted Juanita after I had consulted my 
 own conscience ; and still found myself at a loss 
 how to act. Juanita was by no means undecided ; 
 but was firm in the expression of her opinion that 
 nothing farther should be done with the liquor 
 question, and that I should neither press its con- 
 
CONSULTS THE DUCHESS. 251 
 
 sideration on the existing Parliament, nor dis- 
 solve it npon a question so evidently unpopular. 
 
 • But consider the High Court of Humanity !' 
 said I. 
 
 ' Bother the High Court of Humanity !' said 
 she. ' It has been waiting to be established these 
 two thousand years, or nearly, and is not estab- 
 lished yet, or likely to be. Why should you go 
 out of your way, because you can't establish it 
 to-morrow, or next year, or ten years hence? 
 Let it drop, if not from your thought, which I 
 don't advise, because it would be useless, but 
 from your present action, which I do advise with 
 all my heart.' 
 
 A Baratarian bard, whom I have always ad- 
 mired alike for his tenderness, his wisdom, and 
 his wit, says truly, 
 
 ' it gars me greet, 
 To think how nionie counsels sweet, 
 How many lengthen'd sage advices, 
 The husband frae the wife despises.' 
 
 I did not remember these words at that time, 
 but I remembered them afterwards, when it was 
 too late to profit by them. 
 
 I promised Juanita I would do nothing rashly ; 
 
252 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 and sent for Bluff, to consult him privately, 
 before calling all the members of the administra- 
 tion together, to decide upon our future action. 
 Bluff, like myself, cared little about the liquor 
 question, but a great deal about the war question; 
 and counselled that I should not look upon the 
 defeat of my ministry as sufficiently serious to 
 justify me either in demanding their resignation, 
 or appealing to the country. 'We must not,' he 
 said, ' be judged by merely one of our measures, 
 and that one of the least important ; but by the 
 whole scope and tendency of our policy at home 
 and abroad. Let us inaugurate your grand pro- 
 ject for the abolition of war ; let us establish the 
 High Court of Humanity, so that the nations may 
 turn their swords into ploughshares, their spears 
 into pruuing-hooks, and manufacture no more 
 filthy gunpowder, except for the blasting of rocks 
 that impede the navigation of streams, or the con- 
 struction of roads, or for displays of fireworks to 
 celebrate the triumphs of peace ; and all other 
 reforms will be comparatively easy. When men 
 are wise enough to abolish war, they will be wise 
 enough to abolish drunkenness. If you are beaten 
 on that question — the main question, the only 
 
CONSULTS BLUFF. 253 
 
 question worth struggling for — one of two things 
 must be done, you must either dismiss us and 
 take back Pamfoozle, or appeal to the judgment 
 of the people of Barataria.' 
 
 This was exactly my opinion; and I never 
 thought so highly of the sound sense and wise 
 statesmanship of Bluff as I did at that moment. 
 On the assembly of my ministers at a cabinet 
 council, Bluff's idea aud mine was supported 
 by every member of the government except Sir 
 Pump, whose enthusiasm in the cause of cold 
 water against beer and gin was so great, that 
 he was willing to dissolve the parliament on this 
 ground alone. But he was over-ruled at last, 
 and consoled himself with the hope, that what 
 was deferred was not of necessity abandoned; 
 and that if we carried our project for the establish- 
 ment of the High Court of Humanity, we could 
 afterwards, as he said, 'trade on the credit of 
 that achievement,' and reintroduce the liquor bill 
 under more favourable auspices. 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 THE HIGH COURT OF HUMANITY. DISSOLUTION OF PARLIAMENT, AND 
 GREAT PUBLIC EXCITEMENT. 
 
 The High Court of Humanity fared better than 
 the liquor bill. But it did not fare well enough 
 to be successful. It had everybody's good opin- 
 ion, but nobody's hearty support. The news- 
 papers damaged the project by faint praise, and 
 thought it might perhaps be successful a thou- 
 sand years hence, provided Barataria were then 
 in existence as a great power in Europe. Offi- 
 cers in the army and navy thought it might be 
 established in the day when the rivers ran with 
 champagne, when wolves and lions ate nothing 
 but grass and drank claret-cups, and when the 
 big fishes in the sea renounced their murderous 
 habit of devouring the little ones. The Bara- 
 tarian public neither thought nor said much 
 upon the subject, except once, when Bluff was 
 
THE HIGH COUKT OF HUMANITY. 255 
 
 entertained at a public dinner in the great city 
 of Bombax, which he represented in Parlia- 
 ment. On that occasion he made one of the 
 most eloquent speeches which even he, a master 
 of eloquence, had ever delivered. Peace a tout 
 prix was his cheval de bataille ; and he was so 
 truly warlike in his peaceful sentiments, that he 
 demolished all adverse arguments with the easy 
 dash of a victorious general, scattering an army 
 but half the size of his own — routing it, as it 
 were, horse, foot, and artillery. 'Do not think,' 
 he said, ' that we propose to ourselves the aboli- 
 tion of war. We are not so sanguine ; we are 
 not so quixotic. What we propose is to diminish 
 it ; to reduce it to the lowest possible momentum 
 as a force in the government of nations, and to 
 make public war — or a war unsanctioned by the 
 High Court of Humanity — as great a crime as 
 private war waged between two or more citizens, 
 who endeavour to settle their differences by an 
 appeal to battle, when the courts of law and 
 justice are open to them.' 
 
 Sir Pump, in his way, rendered all the ser- 
 vice in his power, but was not so earnest or so 
 effective as Bluff. He had to ride his own 
 
256 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 hobby, and to slay the brewers, the distillers, 
 the wine-merchants, the publicans, the drinkers 
 and the drunkards, and could not ride my hobby 
 with as much zest and fearlessness as he rode his. 
 The project was introduced to Parliament 
 by Bluff, in a bill authorising the government 
 of Barataria to send special envoys to all the 
 great sovereigns and powers of the world, to 
 negotiate treaties of alliance, and mutual dis- 
 armament both by land and sea. Monkshood — 
 the wary, the cautious, the venerable, and, I 
 may add, the obstinate — moved an amendment 
 to the effect that no such negotiation should be 
 publicly proposed to any power or state or sove- 
 reign until it was positively known that at least 
 three of such powers, states, or sovereigns were 
 prepared to accede to the propositions of the 
 Baratarian government. It was clear, if this 
 amendment were to be adopted, that the whole 
 project, on which Bluff and I had set our hearts, 
 would be adjourned sine die, and that the Pump- 
 Han dell administration would suffer a signal 
 defeat. The debates were long and animated, 
 and extended over a whole week. The result 
 was that Monkshood's amendment was carried 
 
DEFEATED. 257 
 
 by 378 against 142, or nearly three to one. 
 There was much rejoicing in the country; not 
 because my great project was defeated — for in 
 itself few people had much to say against it — 
 but because it was a blow to the Pump-Handell 
 administration, and would possibly lead to its 
 ejection from office, and the abandonment of 
 Sir Pump's obnoxious scheme of interference 
 with the beloved Beer and Gin of the Bara- 
 tarians. 
 
 What was to be done ? I must own that my 
 blood was up. The defeat of Sir Pump on the 
 liquor question did not affect me very seriously. 
 His defeat on the question of the High Court of 
 Humanity was a very different business. I did 
 not care for Sir Pump or his cold water. I 
 cared exceedingly for my darling project. Sir 
 Pump did not resign his office, but counselled 
 the dissolution of a recalcitrant Parliament that 
 lagged so far behind the spirit of the age. Ju- 
 anita recommended submission, and said there 
 was nothing like reader pour mieux sauter. But 
 I had submitted once, and felt disposed to sub- 
 mit no longer, at least not without a trial of 
 strength in a Parliament elected under my own 
 
 s 
 
258 BARON GPJMBOSH. 
 
 auspices. Finally, it was resolved to appeal to 
 the country, and a proclamation was issued dis- 
 solving the Parliament. 
 
 Little did I know what I had done. Little 
 did I suspect the storm I had let loose, to 
 break over my devoted head. Little did I think 
 how greatly I had mistaken the temper of the 
 Baratarians — how much they prized their beer, 
 and of what very small account peace or war, 
 and the progress of civilisation and Christianity, 
 was to them, compared with their double and 
 treble X, and their favourite Old Tom. Let me 
 be excused for making use of this barbarous 
 Gibberish. The Baratarians understand it. 
 
 On the day when the dissolution of Parliament 
 was proclaimed and published, ominous crowds 
 began to gather in the squares, parks, and other 
 open spaces, and furious orators began to ad- 
 dress the excitable mob. The liberties of Bara- 
 taria were declared to be in danger. The people 
 were urged to rise in l their majesty and might' 
 — in their thousands — in their tens of thousands 
 — in their hundreds of thousands — nay in their 
 millions — in defence of the great and indefeasible 
 right of the Baratarians and their wives to drink 
 
PUBLIC EXCITEMENT. 259 
 
 when they liked, as much as they liked, and 
 what they liked, in defiance of such tyrants as 
 Sir Pump Handell and his Excellency the Go- 
 vernor. 
 
 1 His Excellency forsooth !' said Dodgers — 
 the same Dodgers who formed part of the depu- 
 tation of working men whom I had previously 
 received, and to whom I had spoken my mind 
 pretty freely — ' I see no excellency in him, hut 
 very much the reverse. By what right and on 
 what principle did the Grand Llama of Pumper- 
 nickel send such an ass to rule over us, and set 
 our laws and customs at defiance. Down with 
 Grimbosh ! down with Pump Handell ! down 
 with Bluff ! down with the whole squad of 
 them !' 
 
 Nor was Bodgers the only orator of the occa- 
 sion. Todgers the tailor overflowed with wrath. 
 Looney and Mooney were bursting, so they said, 
 with indignation at the abominable attempt of 
 the bloated aristocracy to ' rob a poor man of his 
 beer.' They said nothing about the greater ques- 
 tion of the High Court of Humanity. That was 
 beyond their comprehension ! Bussell and Tus- 
 sell were rampant on the right of the poor to 
 
2G0 BARON GRTMBOSH. 
 
 get drunk; not that they did get drunk very 
 often — that was left to the upper classes. ' Had 
 not everybody heard the saying,' asked Bussell 
 triumphantly, ' " As drunk as a lord''' ? Nobody 
 ever said, as drunk as a tailor, or a shoemaker.' 
 
 This argument and illustration were received 
 with loud cheers, followed by groans for Sir 
 Pump Handell. 
 
 The greatest meeting of all was held under 
 the auspices of Bounce the engineer, and was 
 reported by the newspapers to have numbered 
 at least twenty thousand persons. They had 
 banners and bands of music, and hoisted the 
 flag, not of Barataria, but of the great republic 
 of Atlantis. Magg, the Minister of the Interior, 
 more apprehensive of mischief from this than 
 from the other meetings, stationed large bodies 
 of police in the immediate vicinity ; and, under 
 the advice of Eaddles of the War Department, 
 called out a couple of regiments of the line, and 
 posted them conveniently, though out of sight 
 of the mob, to be ready in case of emergency. 
 When I heard of this, I remonstrated earn- 
 estly with Sir Pump Handell and Eaddles on 
 the impolicy of such a proceeding — on the ab- 
 
PUBLIC EXCITEMENT. 261 
 
 surdity of it, in fact, when I considered that I, 
 above all things, a man of peace and an enemy 
 of war — that I, even I, was actually taking 
 measures to make war against my own people ! 
 
 'I don't see things in that light,' said Sir 
 Pump. 'Our own people are threatening to 
 make war upon us. We are only defending 
 ourselves. An unprovoked and offensive war is 
 abominable and wicked. A defensive war may 
 be virtuous and noble to the very highest de- 
 gree, and whether virtuous or not is, in the 
 present case, absolutely necessary.' 
 
 Happily there was no need for the services 
 either of the police or the military. Bounce see- 
 ing so many constables in the assemblage, ad- 
 dressed himself particularly to their feelings and 
 prejudices in the matter of beer. 'It is no trea- 
 son,' he said, 'nor is it provocative of a breach 
 of the peace, to say that the Pump-Handcll ad- 
 ministration is a humbug and a sham; that 
 Cagg and Magg misunderstand the temper of 
 the people of Barataria ; and that Baratarians, 
 whether working men, or thinking men, or 
 policemen, or soldiers, have a right to their 
 beer, if they can afford to pay for it. The 
 
262 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 High Court of Humanity is a mere farce. Wc 
 are not going to be taken in and bamboozled by 
 that. Let them carry it, and welcome. For my 
 part I wish they would. If there is no good in 
 it, I can't see that there's any harm. But Beer's 
 another business. Beer — as somebody said — comes 
 home to our hearts and our fire-sides. It is not 
 a man's question only ; it is a woman's. Don't 
 our missuses — we who have got missuses — 
 Avant their beer as well as we do ? And, bless 
 their hearts, they shall have it too, as long as 
 we can earn the money to buy it for them ! 
 And if we can't keep hogsheads of it in our 
 cellars — because, in the first place, we have no 
 cellars as the bloated aristocracy have; and be- 
 cause, in the second, we have no money to buy 
 more than a pint or a quart at a time from 
 our Mend the publican — shall we be deprived 
 of it altogether, to please a set of pretended 
 philosophers and humbugs, who, because we are 
 poor, think that they can treat us as if we 
 were babes in the nursery, who do not know 
 what is good for us? I say — farewell to the 
 liberties of Barataria, if such things are to be ! 
 We are unworthy of our fathers and grand- 
 
PUBLIC EXCITEMENT. 263 
 
 fathers, and only fit to be annexed to, or held 
 in bondage by, the republic of Atlantis — or the 
 king of the Cannibal Islands, for that matter 
 — if we do not insist — yes, I say, insist — that 
 the Governor shall dismiss the Pump - Handell 
 and Cagg-Magg administration, and take to 
 his councils men who will yield obedience to 
 the will of Parliament ; and leave the poor man's 
 beer and the poor man's gin or brandy to the 
 poor man's own decision whether he will drink 
 them or leave them alone. Let him call Pam- 
 foozlc to his councils if he will. I think 
 Pamfoozle an old humbug; but at all events 
 he is not mad with crotchets, like Sir Pump 
 Handell. He made a very respectable minister 
 when he was in office, and showed true Bara- 
 tarian pluck. Or if he won't accept, there's 
 Bamboozle : a fine old Baratarian gentleman, 
 who stands no nonsense. There's little to choose 
 between them; one's as good or as bad as the 
 other ; but bad or good, or only middling, either 
 the one or the other is ten thousand times bet- 
 ter than the Pump Handells and the Caggs 
 and the Maggs, and all such tyrannical idiots, 
 as are not content to do as they like in the 
 
264 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 way of drinking, and swilling hot or cold water, 
 unless they can compel everybody else, even 
 at the bayonet's point, to do as they do. I 
 move that a deputation of this meeting — the 
 whole of ns here present, and as many more 
 as we can get to join ns — fifty thousand strong, 
 or a hundred thousand, if possible — march in 
 procession to-morrow afternoon to the Gover- 
 nor's palace, and call upon him to dismiss his 
 ministry.' 
 
 This resolution was carried amid a storm of 
 cheers and applause, and clapping of hands, fol- 
 lowed by a grand performance of the ' Mar- 
 seillaise,' ' (^a ira,' and 'Yankee Doodle.' There 
 were fears -of a popular outbreak that night; 
 but all the meetings finally dispersed without 
 much disturbance, except the smashing of a few 
 windows in the principal streets, which, I was 
 afterwards informed by liluff, was not so much 
 the work of the mob, as of the joumej'men 
 glaziers, employed by their masters for the 
 good of the glazing trade, — a proceeding common 
 in Barataria on every occasion when the public 
 discontent is great enough to cause mobs to 
 assemble. 
 
PUBLIC EXCITEMENT. 
 
 265 
 
 The night was an anxious one to me, as 
 well as to every member of the administration ; 
 and I need scarcely say to Juanita. The mem- 
 bers all gathered in my private sanctum, without 
 summons or invitation, and informally. I like 
 to smoke my pipe in a difficulty, and so did 
 more than one half of the ministry, when they 
 came instinctively, as it were, to take counsel 
 one of the other. Coffee was served for Sir 
 Pump and Bluff; and brandy and seltzer for 
 me, as well as for Cagg, Magg, and Eaddles, 
 who were temperance men, and only wanted 
 to deprive the poor of their drink, because 
 they believed that the poor were naturally in- 
 temperate, and could not be trusted with a 
 half-pint without clamouring for a kilderkin. 
 Bluff, who neither smoked nor drank coffee, 
 or aught but the pure cold clement, spoke 
 calmly — as a man temperate in body and mind 
 ought to speak — and was of opinion that it 
 was reprehensible to yield to mob dictation. 
 He was willing, however, to resign, if I thought 
 he could by that means remove any difficulty 
 from my path, or that of his colleagues. Sir 
 Pump, who was really the only thoroughly ob- 
 
266 BARON GKIMBOSII. 
 
 noxious man in the government, and whose 
 resignation I should have gratefully accepted, 
 had he determined to offer it, was strongly 
 opposed to surrender or the slightest display 
 of weakness. He thought the clamour of the 
 mob was only brutiuu fubnen ; and that what- 
 ever dissatisfaction might exist would exhaust 
 itself in speechification and the passing of 
 harmless resolutions, after the old Baratarian 
 fashion. We had hut to wait three days, he 
 said, and the storm would blow over. 
 
 In the midst of our deliberations, a telegram 
 (which ought to be called an electrogram), 
 which had just arrived from the city of Bombax, 
 was brought in by the O'Sullivan Boru. It 
 stated that a great meeting had been held in that 
 city, calling for the immediate dismissal of Sir 
 Pump Ilandell and all the other ministers except 
 Bluff, who was alone worthy of the public con- 
 fidence, and fit to be intrusted with the forma- 
 tion of another ministry. If it had not been for 
 the dictation, this was a course that would have 
 been highly agreeable to myself, inasmuch as it 
 would have saved my High Court of Humanity 
 
PUBLIC EXCITEMENT. 267 
 
 as a question to be debated, and have got rid of 
 the beer business, of which in my heart of hearts 
 I thought we had had enough. A few minutes 
 afterwards there came another electrogram from 
 Lacqucrtown, the great centre of the metallic 
 industry of Barataria, informing us that the town 
 was in a great state of fermentation, and that the 
 people threatened to march upon Muddlctown, 
 to insist upon the dismissal of the whole ad- 
 ministration. Lacqucrtown was noted, among 
 other things, for its gun manufacture, and looked 
 with as much disfavour upon peace as other parts 
 of the country looked upon enforced temperance. 
 For fully an hour and a half a succession of elec- 
 trograms continued to arrive from all parts of 
 the country — even from that northern half of 
 it called Grampiana — all to the effect that the 
 people were incensed against Sir Pump Handell, 
 considered the dissolution of Parliament uncalled 
 for, and demanded his dismissal. We came to 
 no decision that evening, but resolved to wait at 
 least until the next day, before we yielded to 
 what Sir Pump called the dictation of c inebriated 
 and beer-guzzling mobs.' 
 
2G8 BARON GEIMBOSH. 
 
 The next day, circumstances looked still 
 more threatening. Bounce's meeting was held, 
 and was attended by thousands of people. Af- 
 ter many speeches — all of the most violent 
 kind — had been made, the band struck up the 
 'Marseillaise,' to the great enjoyment of the 
 crowd. A loud voice suddenly called out, 'To 
 Sir Pump Handell's house !' A thunderous burst 
 of cheers hailed the suggestion. The crowd 
 marshalled itself — or was somehow or other mar- 
 shalled by its appointed leaders — into marching 
 order, gathering continual accretions as it moved 
 along. When it arrived opposite Sir Pump's 
 house the windows were smashed in an instant ; 
 next, the door was forced open, the furniture 
 thrown out of the windows, and the building 
 committed to the flames. Sir Pump had received 
 early notification of what was intended, and 
 managed somehow or other to escape. The mob, 
 however, got up an effigy of the obnoxious min- 
 ister with marvellous rapidity, erected a rude 
 gallows in front of his blazing door, and there 
 hung it with frantic shouts and yells, and insane 
 dance and gesticulation. 
 
 The cry was next raised, ' To Bluff's, to 
 
PUBLIC EXCITEMENT. 2G9 
 
 Bluff's!' and thitherwards the mob proceeded, 
 roaring like a storm when it sweeps over the 
 tops of the tall trees of the forest. Unluckily 
 they caught sight of the troops that the War 
 Minister and the Home Secretary, acting in con- 
 cert with each other, had stationed on the great 
 square to prevent the approach of the mob to 
 my palace, and to Bluff's house, which was di- 
 rectly opposite. The sight was a signal for a 
 wild burst of rage on the part of the people, who 
 gathered stones and pelted the military with a 
 perfect hurricane of these missiles. One soldier 
 was wounded in the face, which was speedily 
 encrimsoned with his blood; and the officer, a 
 young lieutenant, was stunned with a fatal blow 
 on the head, and fell reeling from his horse. 
 Immediately — whether with or without orders I 
 have never been able to ascertain — the military 
 fired into the crowd, and upwards of twenty 
 people were slain or dangerously wounded — 
 some of them being women. 
 
 While these unhappy events were in pro- 
 gress, another large multitude had broken into 
 the great prison of Muddletown and set all the 
 
270 IJAROX GMMBOSII. 
 
 prisoners free ; while yet another had proceeded 
 to a large distillery, knocked in the bungs of the 
 great hogsheads of gin, and made themselves 
 drunker than beasts (forgive me, ye kind- 
 hearted and sensible beasts, for this unjust libel 
 upon you !), and so prepared themselves for any 
 possible amount of mischief that men can do 
 when they transform themselves into demons. My 
 dear Juanita and my seven children were with me, 
 as was my faithful friend Bluff, my private secre- 
 tary the O'Sullivan Boru, and Toole, my excellent 
 butler and factotum, when news of these un- 
 toward events came pouring in upon us. Bluff 
 was decided to resign — in order, if possible, to 
 avert bloodshed and pacify the people — and coun- 
 selled me strongly to announce the resignation 
 of the whole ministry. But how to announce 
 it ? That was a difficult question ; but Bluff 
 resolved it. He was a brave man and a good 
 man ; and he made up his mind on the instant. 
 The mob were already in front of his house and 
 busily demolishing the windows, when a loud 
 voice — heard above all the din — was heard to 
 exclaim, ' Spare old Bluff ! He is a man of the 
 
INSUEItECTION OF THE PEOPLE. 271 
 
 people — he never meddled with our beer. • Go 
 to the Governor's !' The mob, easily led, turned 
 as if by one accord to the palace. 
 
 ( I will speak to the people,' said Bluff. 
 ' They will hear reason.' 
 
 ' Do not trust them,' said Juanita implor- 
 ingly, and clinging to my arm, while the young- 
 est children began to cry piteously in their terror 
 of they knew not what. 
 
 Bluff stepped out into the balcony, bare- 
 headed, and held up his hand, in oratorical 
 fashion, to bespeak silence from the mob, that 
 was rolling and surging below like the billows 
 of the sea. But the silence was not to be com- 
 manded, and, like the spirits from the vasty 
 deep, so easy to call for, was not so easy to 
 produce. 
 
 ' I will go too,' I said to Juanita. 
 
 'You shall not,' she replied passionately — 
 almost hysterically. < Some ruffian in the crowd 
 will aim at your heart ! You shall not go !' 
 
 The children clung to my knees. 
 
 1 0, do not go, papa !' said the youngest but 
 one— a little fair-haired angel, the delight of my 
 life. ' The bad men will kill you !' 
 
272 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 ■ 'Come, all of 3 r ou,' said I; 'they will not 
 hurt women and children. I know the Bara- 
 tarians will not and cannot injure yon, and I 
 don't think they will injure me. Come !' 
 
 While I spoke, Juanita had fainted at my 
 feet. I lifted her dear head on my knee, and 
 sprinkled her face with cold water and eau-de- 
 colognc, which Toole handed to mo from the side- 
 board. The O'Sullivan Bom had lifted up the 
 window, and I heard, in spite of myself, even 
 though I was so intensely occupied with the 
 care of my beloved, the voice of Bluff, clear and 
 sonorous, announcing to the multitude that the 
 whole ministry had resigned. 
 
 ' Too late !' said a voice, even louder than 
 Bluff's ; and the multitude gave utterance to 
 one tremendous and, as it seemed to me, unani- 
 mous roar of acquiescence and exultation. 
 
 c The Governor ! the Governor ! Grimbosh ! 
 Grimbosh !' I heard the cries repeated by ten 
 thousand throats. I left my dear Juanita in the 
 charge of our eldest daughter and Toole; and 
 taking my two youngest children one by each 
 hand, and motioning to the rest to follow, I 
 stepped to the balcony. There was a storm of 
 
ABDICATION. 273 
 
 hisses, mingled with cheers, the cheers, I think, 
 preponderating. 
 
 'I also have made up my mind,' I said to 
 Bluff; < I will abdicate.' 
 
 ' It may save your life, if you do, and the 
 lives of your wife and children,' he replied in a 
 whisper. 
 
 'Friends and Baratarians,' I cried, 'I have 
 endeavoured to do my duty. If I am not accept- 
 able to the people, I will abdicate.' 
 
 1 Abdicate ! abdicate !' cried ten thousand 
 voices. 
 
 I ABDICATED. 
 
 Bounce and a whole host of his followers 
 broke into the palace ; and I, my wife and chil- 
 dren, and the faithful Toole, withdrew by the 
 back door, called three cabs, and drove to the 
 railway station, where we took places for Packet 
 Town. 
 
CHA.PTEE XYII. 
 
 AT HOME IN PUMPERNICKEL. THE REWARD OF MERIT. 
 
 I was glad to shake the dust of Barataria from 
 my feet ; glad to feel the fresh breezes of the sea 
 upon my check ; and glad exceedingly, as I drew 
 near my home and birthplace, to catch sight of 
 the domes, towers, and spires of my beloved 
 Pumpernickel. I was also possessed with an 
 abounding sense of relief from heavy responsi- 
 bility — to know that I was no longer called upon 
 to strive and struggle to regenerate the Baratarian 
 people, and drive them into the groove of a newer 
 and higher civilisation than they had ever before 
 known. There were, however, some drawbacks 
 to my satisfaction ; for I anticipated that I might 
 receive but a cold reception at the hands of the 
 Grand Llama, and possibly be disgraced and 
 degraded for that unpardonable offence in politics, 
 the commission of a failure. But I was not a 
 
EETUHXS TO PUMPERNICKEL. I i b 
 
 Doctor of Philosophy for nothing ; and strove to 
 fortify myself with the reflection that I had been 
 honestly desirous to do my duty under difficult 
 circumstances, and that it was not my fault if 
 the people whom I had sought to benefit were 
 ignorant and ungrateful. I had thrown my 
 pearls before a swinish multitude, when I ought 
 to have presented them with the customary draff 
 and swill, which they preferred. But I was not 
 so wholly convinced of my rectitude as I should 
 have liked to be. Had I not done evil that good 
 might come ? Had I not paltered with the Beer 
 and Liquor question, about which I really cared 
 very little, if I cared at all, for the sake of win- 
 ning help and support for the High Court of 
 Humanity — my own particular hobby, which I 
 loved above all other questions in the world? 
 "What right had I, who liked good wine — and 
 drank it too, whenever I pleased — to attempt a 
 tyrannical interference with the poor man's 
 beer ? And was I not rightly served for palter- 
 ing with my convictions ? 
 
 These thoughts were not wholly agreeable ; 
 but my mind was diverted from dwelling too 
 much upon them by the telegraphic news from 
 
276 BARON GEJMBOSH. 
 
 Barataria, which met me at every town and city 
 through which I passed on the way to Pumper- 
 nickel. Long before I reached that ancient and 
 illustrious city of my fathers, I learned from the 
 newspapers and telegrams collected for me by my 
 faithful Toole that the Muddletown mob, under 
 the leadership of Bounce, had proclaimed the 
 Social Republic; that Bounce had been voted, 
 by acclamation of the multitude, to the office of 
 Provisional President ; and that Looney and 
 Mooncy, Bodgers and Todgers, Bussell and Tus- 
 sell, and one Lord Noodle, of whom I had never 
 before heard, had severally seized or accepted a 
 share in the government, and were appointed 
 Ministers of War, Education, Foreign Affairs, 
 Police, the Post-office, and Work. In a pro- 
 clamation issued an hour after my abdication, 
 signed by Bounce, and countersigned by Lord 
 Noodle, it was decreed that the function and 
 name of Parliament should be abolished, and a 
 Congress elected in its stead. It was also de- 
 creed that all distinction of rank and title should 
 cease, except that of ' citizen,' and for persons 
 in authority 'honourable citizen;' that all male 
 citizens above the age of twenty, and all female 
 
REVOLUTION IN BARATARIA. 277 
 
 citizens above the age of forty, should possess 
 the suffrage ; that Congress should be elected 
 annually ; that every citizen or citizeness requir- 
 ing work should be provided by the State, in 
 default of any other employer, with eight hours' 
 work every day, except Sunday, and should re- 
 ceive for the same the sum of eight shillings ; 
 that rose-water baths, free to the working classes, 
 and to them only, should be opened in every 
 parish ; and that an income- and property-tax of 
 ten shillings in the pound should be levied on 
 all persons possessed of more than three hundred 
 pounds per annum. The proclamation farther 
 set forth that the great republic of Barataria, on 
 one side of the ocean, desired the friendship of 
 the great republic of Atlantis on the other, and 
 was willing to enter into an alliance offensive 
 and defensive with that power against all the 
 other powers of the world. These were the main 
 points in the l Constitution of Bounce and his 
 associates. In the mean while the mobs, which 
 amounted by this time to many thousands of 
 persons in all parts of Muddletown, had broken 
 into the gunsmiths' shops, plundered the great 
 Tower of Julius and other armouries, and pos- 
 
278 I] A RON GRIME0SH. 
 
 sessed themselves of several pieces of artillery. 
 One section, about five thousand strong, assem- 
 bled in front of the Bank of Barataria — a build- 
 ing always strongly guarded, and capable of a 
 stout defence — with the loudly-declared intention 
 of plundering it. A young captain in command 
 of a regiment was for firing right into the crowd ; 
 but the governor of the Bank, a shrewd native 
 of Grampiana, recommended, as a first effort at 
 dispersion, to discharge upon the mob, not bul- 
 lets, but copious streams of cold water from the 
 fire-engines with which the interior courts of the 
 edifice were abundantly supplied. The mob was 
 drunk — not frantically drunk, but stupidly drunk, 
 as is the custom of the Baratarians — and consisted 
 of one half of women, who were more violent than 
 the men. The governor's advice was taken ; the 
 hose, fully charged in fifty different hands, poured 
 forth streams sufficient to quench a conflagration 
 in a very short time. The women screamed and 
 ran away; the men, some laughing, some cursing, 
 followed the example ; and the Bank was saved 
 for a time without bloodshed. Unluckily, how- 
 ever, the half- drunk or partially sober men, 
 ashamed of their panic, returned to the charge, 
 
REVOLUTION IN BARATAEIA. 279 
 
 and only retreated after a score of them had been 
 shot dead or dangerously wounded, when the 
 survivors took to their heels. 
 
 A temporary panic had seized upon the re- 
 spectable classes ; but after this incident it was 
 not of long duration. Pamfoozle and Bam- 
 boozle, Benoni and Monkshood, Hooly, and 
 even my ex-minister Bluff, sank all differences 
 of political opinion, and signed a counter pro- 
 clamation to that of Bounce, which declared that 
 the Parliament had not ceased to exist, that my 
 dissolution of it was null and void in consequence 
 of my abdication and flight, and invited the 
 members to assemble immediately in their own 
 Chamber. The summons was obeyed, and in a 
 midnight sitting, guarded by the faithful troops, 
 the Parliament, by unanimous vote, appointed 
 Pamfoozle Provisional Governor, and called upon 
 all the civil and military authorities to support 
 his authority. The Commander-in-chief, who 
 was of the blood royal of the Grand Llama, 
 hastily collected his scattered regiments, horse, 
 foot, and artillery, and announced his determi- 
 nation, not alone to protect the deliberations of 
 Parliament, but to restore order in Muddletown, 
 
280 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 and punish with the utmost rigour all persons 
 who should be found with arms in their hands 
 in organised resistance to lawful authority. Pam- 
 foozle, in another proclamation, called upon the 
 householders of Muddletown to enrol themselves 
 as special constables, to protect the lives and pro- 
 perty of the peaceful citizens. Though houses 
 and public buildings were blazing at all points 
 of the compass, the middle and upper classes 
 recovered from their fright. Every shopkeeper 
 became a soldier or a policeman. The rioters, 
 more than one half of whom were stupidly 
 drunk, after their invasion of the distilleries 
 and public - houses, lay about by hundreds in 
 the gutters, and their leaders lost courage. A 
 reward of a thousand pounds was offered for 
 the capture of Bounce, and the same sum for 
 each of his associates in the so-called govern- 
 ment of the Social Eepublic. Martial law was 
 proclaimed throughout Muddletown. It was not 
 necessary to be equally rigorous elsewhere ; for 
 the other cities and towns of Barataria, however 
 much the 'roughs,' that abound in all great 
 centres of population, might have been inclined 
 for disturbance and plunder, were kept within the 
 
REVOLUTION IN" BAR ATARI A. 281 
 
 bounds of the law by the action of the shopkeep- 
 ing and trading classes. The Baratarian ' rough' 
 is the roughest specimen of the class to be found 
 among any nation or people ; and the Baratarian 
 trader and shopkeeper is the most timid of men 
 until his till or his money-box is threatened, 
 and then his courage and pugnacity are not to 
 be equalled in any part of the world. Bounce 
 was captured on the information of a woman 
 whom he had grossly deceived and cruelly ill- 
 used, aud who refused to take any portion of 
 what she called 'the blood money,' or price of 
 his head. He declined to defend himself before 
 the court-martial, and only asked as a favour 
 from his judges, that they would not hang but 
 shoot him. His request was granted. Lord 
 Noodle was captured, in the disguise of a servant- 
 girl, on board a steamer just about to start for 
 Atlantis. Pamfoozle, with the concurrence of 
 the Commander-in-chief, telegraphed back to 
 his captors to ship his lordship on board again, 
 wish him a pleasant passage, and threaten him 
 with the extreme penalty of the law if he 
 ever again set foot in Barataria. The other 
 'Ministers of the Bepublic,' Mooney and Looney, 
 
2 8 2 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 and the rest, were captured and consigned to 
 prison to await their trial. Pamfoozle was a mer- 
 ciful man, averse from bloodshed, and regretted 
 the summary execution of Bounce, who, he 
 thought, might have been turned to better ac- 
 count if he had been permitted to live. lie there- 
 fore resolved that punishment less severe and sum- 
 mary should be meted out to the rest of these 
 misguided men. l If it were not too cruel,' Bam- 
 boozle is reported to have said, ' I would like to 
 see those fellows drowned in their own beloved 
 rose-water, and sent out of the world in all the 
 odour of cleanliness, if not of sanctity.' But 
 Pamfoozle, though he liked the joke, knew the 
 Baratarians better, and said that in six months 
 Mooney and Looney, and the whole 'lot' of them, 
 would be forgotten, and he would not do them 
 the favour of investing their names or memory 
 with any romance or interest whatever. 'By 
 the end of that time,' added he, ' we can make 
 a present of them to the great republic of At- 
 lantis, and wish it joy of the bargain.' 
 
 I narrate but briefly these and other events 
 that followed my departure from Barataria. They 
 may all be read by those who will, in the history 
 
AT HOME IN PUMPERNICKEL. 283 
 
 of the time, and for me no longer possess an 
 absorbing interest. Pamfoozle received the thanks 
 of the Grand Llama for his loyalty and devotion, 
 and was named Governor of Barataria for life. 
 As for me, his sublime highness seemed to forget 
 the fact that I once enjoyed his favour, and even 
 to ignore my existence. That I escaped disgrace 
 was considered by some of my friends as of it- 
 self a proof that I was a great personage in the 
 Grand Llama's estimation, and to foreshadow 
 that at some future time I might once again be 
 intrusted with high office. But though ambitious, 
 I was not impatient. After all, what signifies 
 office ? And how small is the part played by 
 mere statesmanship in the affairs of the world ! 
 Politics at best, as Pamfoozle always said, is but 
 the art of standing still till you arc driven on- 
 wards ; or of creeping onwards till you are com- 
 pelled, most likely in an unpleasant manner, to 
 stop short or retrace your steps. The philoso- 
 pher is greater than the statesman, and renders 
 statesmanship easy ; and was not I a philosopher, 
 and not only a philosopher but a Doctor of Philo- 
 sophy, author of that great, though unappreciated 
 work, the Philosophical History of Hunger, in 
 
284 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 twcrdy volumes, and quite capable, and indeed 
 desirous, of writing another, as voluminous, as 
 learned, as profound, and as useful to mankind, 
 for which I had for years been collecting the 
 materials ? And what signified the Grand Llama's 
 favour if he chose to withhold it ? I had a 
 sufficient income for all the needs of myself, my 
 dear Juanita, and my family, with a surplus to 
 buy rare volumes and books of reference to in- 
 crease my library, and to entertain my friends 
 whenever I invited them, or whenever they 
 chose to come and see me. I had moreover a 
 pleasant garden, and a grove of beech-trees, in 
 which I loved to stroll and to think, when I was 
 not engaged in garden work. And, above all, 
 I grew, and still grow, drumhead cabbages of 
 a very choice variety, sound to the core, and 
 weighing four-and-twenty pounds on the aver- 
 age. Sometimes I show these titanic dainties 
 to my friends, when they begin to deplore my 
 absence from public life, and tell them that I 
 am of the same mind as the Emperor Diocletian, 
 who considered the cultivation of cabbages in 
 his garden at Solona to be better worth his time 
 and mind than the nuisance of government or the 
 
SENT FOR BY THE GRAND LLAMA. 285 
 
 occupancy of the throne of Csesar. My drum- 
 head cabbages yield me greater pleasure in the 
 cultivation than statesmanship did at an earlier 
 period of my life, especially when I was in I3ara- 
 taria. 
 
 POSTSCRIPT. 
 
 I had written thus far in this veracious his- 
 tory when one of my clearest friends — an old 
 school-fellow, whom, in my youth, I used to 
 tin-ash and protect, and with whom I used to share 
 my pocket-money — the great Doctor Leander 
 Wkackenfeldt, Professor of Metaphysics at the 
 University of Pumpernickel, called upon me, as 
 he often did, to reproach me for my sudden in- 
 difference to public life, which he was pleased to 
 consider as assumed and not real. I combated 
 his arguments as well as I was able; vaunted 
 my happiness in the family circle ; the ease of 
 my pecuniary circumstances ; my love of music 
 and books ; my pleasure in my garden ; the un- 
 
28G BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 satisfactory nature of all public employ ; and 
 the ingratitude alike of sovereigns and of mobs, 
 as all-sufficient reasons why I should make my- 
 self happy, and look upon my political career 
 as wholly closed. 
 
 'No — no!' said Whackenfeldt. 'Nothing 
 would please you so much as that the Grand 
 Llama should send for you, condone your 
 failure in Barataria as a thing in itself of little 
 or no consequence, and make you Prime Minis- 
 ter of Pumpernickel. Now confess !' 
 
 1 Never,' I replied. ' Besides, the Grand 
 Llama will do no such thing ; and if he pro- 
 posed it, I should refuse absolutely.' 
 
 1 Like a coy girl, when asked to marry, you 
 would say no, but mean yes. I know you better 
 than you know yourself.' 
 
 Three days after this, the Grand Llama did 
 send for me. I was in a nutter of excitement, 
 and perhaps of terror, for I did not know 
 whether my decapitation or my advancement 
 was in the mind of his Highness. Juanita was 
 alarmed. Not so Dr. Whackenfeldt. ' His Sub- 
 limity would not send for you, if he wanted to 
 do you an evil turn. He could do that with- 
 
SENT FOR BY THE GRAND LLAilA. 287 
 
 out seeing or talking to you.' This was a 
 reasonable argument, and tended greatly to raise 
 Juanita's spirits, when the Doctor repeated and 
 insisted upon it. All doubts on the matter 
 were speedily dispelled that same afternoon, by 
 the arrival of a special messenger, dispatched 
 from the office of the Lord Gold -stick and 
 Diamond- headed Cane, bearing a large card 
 ■with a large seal, commanding my attendance 
 to a full-dress dinner with my sovereign. I 
 noticed that a faint smile passed over the 
 countenance of Dr. Whackenfeldt, who had re- 
 mained to dine with us that day, to taste some 
 of my fine old Eomanee Conti, when I showed 
 him the card. 'Yes,' said he, l I know why 
 his Sublime Highness has sent for you. He has 
 heard tell that nobody in all his dominions can 
 mix a salad so admirably as you can, and that 
 in fact your salads are perfection— difficult to 
 be equalled, impossible to be excelled.' 
 
 ' And who,' said I, in the words of an old 
 Baratarian ballad 
 
 ' has done tills deed, 
 And told the king of me ?' 
 
 For the truth is, though I have not yet men- 
 
288 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 tioned it in the course of this narrative, I can 
 make a salad better than any man I ever met 
 with; and consider the preparation of a true 
 salad to be as much a work of high art as 
 the modelling of a statue, or the composition 
 of a piece of music ; and far more useful than 
 the writing of a novel, especially if the novelist 
 be a woman. I do not think I blushed to find 
 myself famous, though I was certainly surprised 
 to think that my sovereign should have heard 
 of me in this capacity. And then Dr. Whack- 
 enfeldt might be wrongly informed, and have 
 allowed his suspicions to pass muster for certain- 
 ties ? All this I said to him. 
 
 It turned out, however, that my old school- 
 fellow was right. My sovereign honoured me 
 with a dinner tete-a-tete — us two alone ; and as 
 his Sublimity is now no more, I may repeat 
 as of historical interest the things which passed 
 between us at that memorable repast. 
 
 1 Grimbosh !' said his Sublimit}- with the 
 utmost kindness and condescension of manner, 
 and with that fascinating smile which is peculiar 
 to emperors and empresses, kings and queens, 
 popes and grand llamas, and all who have any- 
 
IS RECEIVED BY HIS SOVEREIGN. 
 
 289 
 
 thing to give away, 'I don't think much of 
 yon as a statesman and politician.' 
 
 I endeavoured to look my acquiescence in 
 this gracious opinion. 
 
 < In fact I don't think anything of you at 
 all. You do not possess the art of government. 
 You do not know how to let well alone.' 
 
 I did not presume to contradict, but bowed 
 my head humbly, in token of my submission. 
 
 'And, Grimbosh, you nearly lost me Bara- 
 taria. Not that that would have mattered much. 
 The Baratarians are a troublesome people, tax 
 themselves in their own way, and contribute 
 not a dump to my exchequer, while / have to 
 pay the salary of their Governor. Still, it is well 
 that you did not lose me Barataria — well for 
 you, Grimbosh; for I would certainly have 
 had you shot, hung, or decapitated, if you had 
 done so.' 
 
 Again I bowed, and concealed as well as I 
 could the anguish I felt; and his Sublimity, 
 with another smile as fascinating as the first, 
 continued : 
 
 < But let bygones be bygones. We will talk 
 no more on a subject which, I see, is distasteful 
 
 u 
 
290 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 to you. I know you have written an excellent 
 book — in twenty volumes, is it not? Well, I 
 never read it — only the first. I found it very 
 dry. I don't say it was bad, Grimbosh ; but it 
 was dry — very dry. Very tedious. Very prolix.' 
 
 I felt the blood suffusing my face with 
 mingled shame and anger; but as I could not 
 be angry with my sovereign, I endeavoured to 
 look pleased and indifferent, with, I am afraid, 
 but scanty success. 
 
 He noticed the perplexity I was in, and 
 seemed to enjoy it for an instant — but only for 
 an instant; and, with a real kindness which I 
 had not before observed in him, said, 
 
 'Never mind, Grimbosh. Critics nowadays 
 are always better pleased to discover faults 
 than beauties in an author; and I am but a 
 poor judge of anything, however good, that does 
 not amuse me; and your book did not amuse 
 me. Nevertheless I am told that it is a highly 
 valuable contribution to history, and will reflect 
 honour on your name to distant ages. Whacken- 
 feldt says so ; and he knows, In fact, Whacken- 
 feldt knows more than I should like to know; 
 for if I knew as much as he does, I fear my 
 
MAKES A SALAD. 291 
 
 head would crack with too much learning. Now, 
 if you please, Grimbosh, I want you to make 
 me a salad.' 
 
 1 1 hope my salad may please your Sublimity 
 better than my statesmanship or authorship.' 
 
 'Well,' said his Sublimity with a short laugh, 
 and a sparkle in his eyes which I had seldom 
 seen there, ' it can't be worse. I have, however, 
 great hopes of the salad.' 
 
 'A salad, your Sublimity,' said I, with more 
 confidence than I had yet displayed, 'must be 
 pungent and not pungent; sour and not sour; 
 sweet and not sweet; oily but not oily; salt 
 but not salt. It must possess every good quality, 
 but no one good quality in excess of any other.' 
 
 ' I see you understand it,' said his Sublimity. 
 ' I want not only to eat your salad, but to take 
 a lesson from you in the great art — or is it a 
 science? — of compounding it. And mind you, 
 Grimbosh, you are not to give a lesson to any 
 one else — not even to Whackenfeldt !' 
 
 I promised compliance, called for all the 
 necessary ingredients, and compounded them 
 with the greatest scrupulosity and delicacy 
 under his Sublimity's eyes. I shall not publish 
 
292 BARON GRIMBOSH. 
 
 the recipe in this place, but shall leave it as 
 a legacy to posterity, when I die. His Sublimity 
 — a true judge of cookery, though he knew no- 
 thing of literature — was delighted; pronounced 
 the salad to be perfect ; and after the conclusion 
 of the dinner declared his gracious intention of 
 rewarding me for the pleasure I had given him 
 and the instruction I had afforded, by creating 
 me Duke de Grimbosh ! 
 
 ' Gracious heaven !' I thought to myself, 
 'this is the gratitude of great potentates — this 
 is the wisdom of men who, by the inscrutable 
 decrees of fate and fortune, are placed at the 
 head of mighty nations ! Nothing for my states- 
 manship and philosophy ! Contempt for my 
 genius ! and the utmost possible honour for pre- 
 paring a dish of herbs, to please his Sublimity's 
 palate !' 
 
 I could not refuse the title without giving 
 offence, which might have been dangerous. 
 Nevertheless, I could not find it in my heart 
 for many weeks to tell Juanita the whole truth 
 about the matter. I was weak enough to let 
 her think that it was entirely my literary repu- 
 tation and public services which had procured 
 
IS REWARDED. 293 
 
 me this signal mark of royal favour. When I at 
 last confided the truth to her, she expressed her 
 opinion that my title was at all events as good 
 as her own, — and that if I were a Duke and 
 she a Duchess, we were and always would be 
 Herman and Juanita to each other. 
 
 I thought at the time that if either the 
 Grand Llama or I was deficient in sense and 
 dignity in this business, it was not the Duke 
 de Grimbosh. From that day to this — and it 
 is a long time ago now — I have never seen 
 reason to change my opinion. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 LONDON : 
 ROBSON AND SONS, PRINTERS, PANCRAS ROAD, N.W.