Part I. Price Is THOMS, PRINTER,] [WARWICK SQUARE. , WORKS PUBLISHED BY W. STRANGE, 21 PATERNOSTER ROW, By whom the Trade is supplied with all the Monthly and Weekly Periodicals, Almanacks, School-books, Prayers, Bibles, &c. &c. Just published, handsomely hound in cloth, 7s. rpHE DOMESTIC DICTIONARY and J- HOUSEKEEPER'S MANUAL, comprising every- thing pertaining to Cookery, Diet, Economy, and Medicine. By GIBBONS MERLE. The , Medical portion by JOHN REITCH, M.D. The work addresses itself to all classes, for it gives the luxurious preparations of Careme and Ude, the simple and economical recipes of the Cuisine Botir- geoise of the French, Germans, &c, and the solid English dishes of Mrs. Glasse, Mrs. Rundell, &c, with all the improvements of the age, and a full account of the effect upon the system of every article of food, with Dietetic Remarks by one of our ablest Physicians ; thus, for the first time, making health and enjoyment go hand in hand. It is, in fact, not only a Dictionary of Cookery, but a Hand-book of Health. That portion of the work devoted to Domestic Economy contains everything that the frugal House- wife should know, and embraces the latest and most valuable discoveries in all the useful arts connected with the management of a house— the feeding and raising of Domestic Stock — the economical preparation of every article required for the use of a Family— in short, all that is essential in domestic life. The articles on Bread, Beer, Wines, Distillation, &c, have all been written, exclusively for this work, by expe- rienced and able men; the article Liqueurs is by an eminent manufacturer of liqueurs in Paris, and contains information not to be found in any other work. To render the work complete, every preparation for the Toilet is also given. The articles on Per- fumery are bya Parisian Perfumer, and nothing useful or elegant is omitted. The mother will be unable to find a more appropriate book for her daughter, when about to enter upon the domestic duties of womanhood, and the iiusband may seek in vain for a more valuable present for his NEWLY-WEDDED BRIDE. '* It is well done, by intelligent persons, and the information good and complete. The introductory chapter on the ' Comparative expenses of living at home and abroad,' the explanatory lists of wines and other fermented drinks, and the translation of a French bill of fare, are useful features." — Spectator. " A most comprehensive and useful book; the in- formation conveyed in a popular manner ; and every page containing matter of utility or amusement — in fact, just the sort of guide for young housekeepers, to whom we accordingly recommend it." — Literary Gazette. " A very useful manual of housekeeping. It is com- prehensive, contains a vast store of eulinary recipes, with very clear and copious instructions on all points that can prove of interest to the housekeeper or mother of a family, including dietetic remarks and instructions for the treatment of simple diseases or accidents . ' ' — Britannia. " This is a volume which no housekeeper should be without. It contains all the varied information con- tained in the Cookery Book, the Domestic Physician, and the Manual of Valuable Receipts. Under each of these heads the best and most economical instructions are given. It is really surprising how so much valuable information could be condensed into one volume." — Sunday Times, Just published, price 3s. 6d. handsomely bound. EVERY FAMILY'S BOOK OF AMUSEMENTS; comprisingan ample collection of Games of Skill and Chance, as also of Intellectual and Athletic Amusements : amongst others, Cards, (whist, ecarte, piquet, cribbage, all- fours, speculation, loo, put, &c.,) Chess, Draughts, Billiards, Backgammon, Cricket, Tennis and Fives, Archery, Legerdemain, Riddles, &c, with all the Rules and necessary Instructions for Playing each Game ; interspersed with Curious and Amusing Anec- dotes. By the Author of " Every Family's Book of Health and Domestic Economy." Just published, a New Edition, in 1 vol. /cap. 8vo, price 7s. in cloth, originally published at 10s. 6d. A PEERAGE FOR THE PEOPLE; II comprising Biographical and Historical Sketches of each Member of the House of Peers, and an Ac- count of the Places and Emoluments distributed amongst their Families. By WILLIAM CARPENTER. " A useful and well-timed work, written in the broad and popular manner of Mr. Carpenter." — Spec- tator. 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With two Appendices, giving the Routes to Paris by Belgium ; and the Tour in Switzerland, Belgium, Italy, and the Rhine. Price Is. 6d. (post free, Is. lOd.) gilt edges, /COMPANION to the HAND-BOOK VJ TO PARIS. By the same Author. This work, although distinct in its character from the Hand-Book, forms its natural continuation. It contains all the Statistics of Paris, Versailles, St.Cloud, and the other environs of the capital. It is as com- plete in its way as the Hand-Book, and, together, they form a fund of information which will be found in no other publication. The two works, handsomely bound in one volume, 3s. 6d. JOURNAL OF A TOUR BY THE J RHINE, THROUGH SWITZERLAND, NORTH ITALY, and the greater Part of GERMANY, in the Summer and Autumn of 1840, Just published, price -Is, WORKS PUBLISHED BY W. STRANGE— omtmua/. REV. JOHN CUMMING'S TWO LECTURES TO YOUNG MEN, delivered at the Scottish Church, Crown Court, Covent Garden, Oct. 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" A variety and extensive fund of really useful fn- formation." — Metropolitan Magazine. "A mine of useful information." — Bell's Life in London. ■ Just published, Second Edition, bound in cloth, price Is. 6d. (sent post free, 2s.) containing 96 closely- printed pages. EVERY FAMILY'S BOOK OF HEALTH and DOMESTIC ECONOMY; shew- ing how to preserve Health and keep House with Cheerfulness, Frugality, and Comfort : comprising a Number of valuable Receipts, including Mr. Lee's famous one of Brandy and Salt. Contents : The Preservation of Health. — Of the Nursing and Treatment of Children. — Education of Children. — Of Bodily Health in general. — Of Diet and Domestic Economy. — Of the Economics of House- keeping. — Receipts for Domestic Use, &c. &c. Just published, a Pamphlet of '36 pages, price 6d. (sent post free, 8d.) and a smaller Edition of 16 pages, price 3d. (sent post free, Ad.) entitled, BRANDY AND SALT A REMEDY for VARIOUS EXTERNAL and INTERNAL COMPLAINTS; containing ample Directions for mak- ing and applying it in all Cases of Gout, Rheumatism, Inflammation, Consumption, Indigestion, &c, and de- tailing numerous Cases of Cure in Hull and the neigh- bourhood. Just published, foolscap 8vo, price is. bound in cloth, the Fifth Edition, rpHE FEMALE'S PHYSICIAN; JL a Treatise on the Diseases peculiar to Females, and on the Management of Children ; with Prescrip- tions in English. By RICHARD BRIGHT, M.D. " A book which wiU be found to be universally use- ful, and divested of all technicality." — Medical Cor- respondent, April 1st, 1841. ** This work will be found to contain a great deal of information, which every family should have at their command. We very much approve of the treat- ment towards children, and strongly recommend every mother to purchase the book, but more particularly families residing in the country." — Blackwood's Ladies' Magazine, July, 1841. Just published, price Is. and sent post free at Is. id. HAND-BOOK for MARRIED WO- MEN ; being an Essay upon the Influence of Diet, and developing the means whereby pain and suffering may be almost entirely avoided. By S. ROWBOTHAM. Price Is., Fourth Edition, with considerable Alterations, Improvements, % Additions, A BOOK FOR THE WHOLE WORLD, Adapted for the perusal of both Se.res # all Ages, rplIE GOLDEN RULES OF LIFE; JL or, EVERYBODY'S FRIEND: containing the Maxims and Rules of some hundred great and good Meu, who lived to be benefactors to their Country. Selected from upwards of a Thousand Works ; with the Compiler's Address to the Public. The whole neatly bound in one volume, gilt edges. WORKS PUBLISHED BY W. STRANGE— con/maerf. A.-ffLf Price only One Shilling, {post free, Is. id.) WITH PORTRAIT, PLATES, AND BATTLE PLANS, pOMMODORE NAPIER'S LIFE & \J EXPLOITS ; containing his daring deeds in the American War, his Action in an 18-gun brig against three French 74-gun Ships, bravery in the West Indies, Seizures on the Italian Coast, Memorable Battle and Capture of the Portuguese Fleet, crowning Victories in the War in Egypt, Bombardment of Beyrout, bril- liant Defeat of Ibrahim on the Heights of Ornscho- jouen, Storming of Sidon, Landing at Djourni, and Siege and Capture of Acre. Price only Two Shillings, bound in cloth, rpHE POLITICAL TEXT BOOK; I comprising a View of the Origin and Objects of Government, and an Examination of the principal Social and Political Institutions of England. Com- piled from the best Authorities, by WILLIAM CAR- PENTER. GUIDE TO THE RECOVERY OF SMALL DEBTS, IN AND WITHIN TEN MILES OF LONDONj comprising the Jurisdiction and Practice of the several Courts of Request, the Palace, Lord Mayor's, Marshalsea, County and She- riffs' Courts ; with their various Usages, Days of Sit- ting, Office Hours, Fees, &c, ; with Instructions and Cautions for Proceeding; and Remarks on the In- sufficiency and Costliness of the existing inferior Courts. Price One Shilling. By A BARRISTER AT LAW. Sixth Edition, with Six Engravings on Steel, Price Is., sent post free, Is. 2d. rpHE HAND-BOOK OF STENO- I GRAPHY ; comprising a plain and familiar Trea- tise on the Art and Practice of Short-Hand. By WILLIAM CARPENTER. This little Treatise, in which the Principles of Steno- graphy are greatly simplified, and the Rules for its practice reduced to the smallest number, will be found, by the aid of the Six Engravings accompanying it, amply sufficient to enable any Person to write the System within the compass of Six Days. Just published, price Is., containing upwards of 200 Popular Songs, THE NATIONAL MELODIST; consisting of a choice Collection of English, Irish, and Scotch Songs, Glees, Duets, &c, from the Pens of the most admired Writers of the Past and Present Time. By J. BRUTON. With Engravings. Just published) price Is., and sent post free to any part of England for is. 2d. rpEN MINUTES' ADVICE on CORNS, .L BUNIONS, CHILBLAINS, &c. ; intended for those who have, and those who wotild avoid having, these painful Diseases of the Feet. NEW EMIGRANT'S GUIDE to the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, UPPER & LOWER CANADA, NOVA SCOTIA, &c, for 1841, embracing the most useful Information to Persons about to Emigrate to the New World ; with Rates of Travelling, Distances, and Directions how to proceed from the time of Embarkation. Just published, pr. 3d. KIDD'S POPULAR & INTERESTING WORKS are constantly kept on sale, a complete Catalogue of which will be sent to any part of the kingdom by the Publisher receiving a pre-paid letter containing one adhesive stamp. OBSERVATIONS AND FACTS RELATIVE TO THOSE BORN DEAF, AND CONSEQUENTLY DUMB ; and a few Remarks on the Obsolete Methods newly revived, by French and German Aurists and their Imitators, for the Relief of Deafness generally. By AV. WRIGHT, Lecturer on the Structural Formation, the Functions, and Diseases of the Organ of Hearing. Price Sixpence. Fifth edition, price 2s. 6d. THE BOOK - BINDER'S MANUAL, containing a full description of Leather and Vellum Binding. Also, directions for Gilding of Paper and Book-edges, and numerous valuable receipts for Sprinkling, Colouring,' and Marbling; Tables of Di- mensions, Weights, &c, of Millboard ; together with a Scale of Book-binders' charges, and a List of all the Book and Vellum binders in London. This invalu- able book should be in the hands of every journeyman and apprentice. SPLENDID NEW EDITION OF PLAYS. WEBSTER'S ACTING NATIONAL DRAMA, under the auspices of the Dramatic Authors' Society. This edition comprises every successful New Play, Farce, Melodrama, &c, produced at the London Theatres, correctly printed from the Prompter's copy. A Number will be published every fortnight, price 6d., (the more expensive copyrights, Is.) Each Play will be illustrated by an Etching of the most interesting scene, taken during the representation, by PIERCE EGAN the Younger. A complete list of this popular edition can always be had of the Publisher. POOR RICHARD'S ALMANACK for 1843, contains forty-eight pages of useful inform- ation neatly printed, on good paper, with fourteen illustrations, Price One Penny. A liberal allowance to Booksellers and Hawkers. Specimens and Terms sent to all parts of the kingdom by the Publisher re- ceiving a pre-paid letter containing two adhesive stamps. Published annually. Publishing ill Numbers^ price 3rf; each, \ BIBLICAL DICTIONARY ; being a XJL Comprehensive Digest of the History and Anti- quities of the Jews, and Neighbouring Nations; •the' Natural History, Geography, and Literature of the Sacred Writings, with Pronouncing and Chronological Appendices. By the Rey. J. A. BASTOW. Published Monthly, price One Penny, rriHE SUNDAY SCHOOL and .1. GENERAL RECITER. This work contains Miscellaneous Poetry and Familiar Dialogues on subjects, Religious and Moral, adapted for Sunday School Recitations ; and when bound up at the end of the Year, it forms a very interesting and Instructive 1 Reading Book for Youth. Vols. I. and II. are now ready, bound, price Is. 6d. eaclu Complete hi Fifty Numbers-, Price One Penny each, Or in Ten parts, til A Wrapper, 6d. each, TTANDENBURGH'S DRAWING^ V book and Young artists' preceptor* for teaching every Branch of the Art without the aid of a master ; consisting of One Hundred and Seventy- Nine Graphic Illustrations, and one Hundred and Forty-two Pages of Letter»press Instructions. The whole arranged and adapted to the capacity of the novice, as well as the more enlightened Artist. Bound in cloth, price 5s. WORKS PUBLISHED BY W. STRANGE— continued. pOWIE'S JOB MASTER PRINTER'S \J PRICE BOOK ; containing a fair and compre- hensive Scale of Charges to the Public for Broadsides, Cards, Pamphlets, and Jobs of every description ; to which is appended copious directions for Working in Gold, and other colours, and the manufacturing of Composition Balls or Rollers. Price One Shilling. Post-free, 4d. extra- Fifth edition, price 2s. 6d. pOWIE'S PRINTER'S POCKET- KJ BOOK AND MANUAL; containing the Com- positors', Pressmen's, and Newsmen's Scale of Prices ; numerous valuable Tables, all the Schemes of Impo- sitions, and the Hebrew, Greek, and Saxon Alphabets, with Plans of their respective Cases ; Abstracts of the various Acts of Parliament relative to Printers) with & correct List of Master Printers. To which is added, Technical Marks to * be employed by Authors in correcting proof sheets. Price Is. (post free, by authority), A FAITHFUL GUIDE THROUGH _£X THE INSOLVENT AND BANKRUPT COURTS, according to the two last Acts of Parliament of 1842, embracing the various forms of proceeding in every stage of Bankruptcy and Insolvency j designed alike for the use of Debtor and Creditor. By A SOLICITOR of Twenty years' practical experience. Price is. 6d. (originally published at 3s.), embellished with Engravings, ANECDOTES OF THE SECOND JLTL FRENCH REVOLUTION ; embracing Details of the Leading Occurrences in Paris, with Biographical Sketches of the principal actors, derived from authentic sources. By WILLIAM CARPENTER. This is not a mere collection of scraps from the newspapers, which are in every person's hands, thrown together without order or arrangement, but a well- digested and detailed Historical Sketch of French Affairs and Occurrences, from the Formation of the Polignac Cabinet to the consolidation of the New Government, with Biographical Notices of the prin- cipal persons connected with the events of the recent Revolution. Larger and cheaper edition, one volume 8vo, price 2s. (post free, 6d. extra), rplIE COLD WATER CURE, its Prin- I ciples, Theory, and Practice, with valuable direc- tions for its Self-application, and a full account of the wonderful cures performed with it on 7000 Patients of all nations. By the discoverer, VINCENT PRIESS- NITZ, of Griiefenburg, in Silesia. Also, A COMPREHENSIVE ABRIDGMENT OF THE ABOVE, to enable the Friends of Temperance and Humanity to give it an extensive circulation. Price Tenpence (post-free, 2d. extra.) Dedicated to Lords Waterford and Waldegrave, price Is., sent post-free, ls.4d. HINTS TO MEN ABOUT TOWN. By the OLD MEDICAL STUDENT. 1. Hints introductory. — " Sum quod eris, fui quod es." 2. On the best method of treating the slight accidents to which men about town are peculiarly liable. 3. On the mode of preventing and curing intoxication. 4. On the prevention of infection from sexual intercourse. pIIANNING ON SELF-CULTURE. vy A beautiful Pocket Edition of this important work by the late Dr. Chinning. Wfth a Memoir of the Author. Only 4d. Just Published, price 5s. cloth, LAW MADE EASY ; or, the TOWN AND COUNTRY LAW BOOK ; containing the Laws relating to Landlord and Tenant, Leases, Agree- ments, &c. ; Debtor and Creditor, with forms of Bills of Sale, Composition Deeds, Warrants of Attorney, Sec. ; Bills of Exchange ; Tithes, Church Rates, Vestries, Highways, New Poor Law, &c. ; Attorney and Client, Taxation of Costs; Husband and Wife, Marriage Settlement, Adultery, and Seduction; Master and Servant, Apprenticeship and Partnership ; Insurance, Auctioneers and Appraisers ; Pawnbrokers and Car- riers ; Protection of Game ; Wills, Executors and Ad- ministrators, with Forms, &c. ; Bankruptcy and In- solvency, with practical advice to persons in difficulties ; Felonies and Misdemeanors, with directions for pro- secuting offenders. By the aid of which Tradesmen, Farmers, and others, will be able to conduct most matters of law without professional assistance. By S. PILE, Esq., Solicitor. HORRIBLE PROSTITUTION AND MURDER OF FEMALES IN MINES. Just Published, price 2s. 6d., with Engravings, post free, Is. extra, THE CONDITION of the YOUNG CHILDREN and FEMALES EMPLOYED in COAL and other MINES. From the Appendix to the First Report of the Children's Employment Com- mission; comprising upwards of 1S00 folio pages. To use the language of one of the assistant commissioners, these reports " present a picture of deadly physical op- pression and systematic slavery, of winch no one unacquainted with such facts would credit the exist- ence." ^— Price is., post-free, id. extra, EVERYBODY'S BOOK. THE LAWS OF LANDLORDS, TENANTS, AND LODGERS ; comprising clear and plain directions relating to Leases, Agreements, Letting of Houses, Apartments, Distraints, Notices to Quit, &c., together with the new law of Ejectment, the New Act for the Regulation of Benefit Building Societies, also the New Act for the Regulation of Chimneys and Chimney Sweepers, Window Tax Duties, Liabilities, Exemptions, Sec. The whole compiled, revised, and corrected by THOMAS CLYMER NEWTON. The same book, without the Benefit Building So- cieties' Act, and. Chimney and Chimney Sweepers' Act, may be had for fjd., post free, 2d. extra. EVERY WOMAN'S BOOK, OR FE- MALES' PHYSICIAN. By Dr. BRIGHT. Price One Shilling ; post free, Fourpence extra. THE YOUNG LADIES* MONITOR AND MARRIED WOMAN'S FRIEND. By Mrs. MAXWELL. Price One Shilling , post free. Six- pence extra. ■ rr S-J ^ co co co co co cu cd cd 7t i- raj.)!) Mr. Henry's." — Romaine. >|X|< JSow Publishing W|< ' ROBINSON'S STANDARD EDITION OP MATTHEW HENRY'S COMMENTARY ON THE HOLY SCRIPTURES: Six Handsome Octavo Volumes, Price £3 12s. Cloth, ( Containing 7,240 closely -printed Pages,) IN WHICH THE ERRORS OF FORMER EDITIONS HAVE BEEN CAREFULLY CORRECTED, AND THE REFERENCES EXAMINED. The unqualified approbation bestowed on " Matthew Henry's Commkntarv," by such distinguished writers as the Rev. W. Romaine ; Rev. Dr. Doddridge ; Rev. Dr. Adam Clarke ; Rev. Robert Hall, and the Rev. Edward Bickersteth, is such, that further to recommend the work to general perusal, it can only be necessary to quote the words of the pious Romaine, who says, " There is no Comment on the Bible, either ancient or modern, in all respects, eq,ual to Mr. Henry's." With regard to the present edition, it has been the aim of the publisher to combine the advantage of a bold and legible type with convenient portability of volume, adapted to the purpose of ordinary perusal. In order to render it worthy of being considered a standard edition, the original folio has also been collated with two other editions, and all the references examined and corrected. In the year 1811 the work underwent an extensive revision, and an improved 4to. edi- tion was published, from which all the subsequent editions have been printed. That edition, however, while it could not fail to render the work more acceptable, from the improved method of numbering the general and subordinate divisions, which in the original are somewhat perplexed and confused, — from the translation of the classic quotations, — from the occasional adoption of modern expressions instead of those which time had rendered obsolete, as well as the correction of grammatical errors, was nevertheless far from being perfect. In later editions errors of various kinds have crept in to an in- credible extent ; whole •paragraphs, as well as sentences, members of sentences, and many single words were omitted, and in some cases both the editors' correction and the original expression are given, so as to occasion either perfect nonsense or useless tautology, while the omissions not unfrequently make the author appear to say what is very absurd. — In- stances might be adduced to the extent of an 8vo. volume, were it necessary ; of this the reader may satisfy himself if he will only take the trouble to compare two or three sheets in any part of the work. In this edition the omitted passages are restored, and other errors corrected, while the improvements of the 4to. edition are retained, so as to render it the most complete edi- tion extant. EARLY NOTICES OF THE WORK. " This is a beautiful book, and surpasses in many respects every attempt we have yet witnessed to condense the extensive works of our best authors into portable volumes. Several publications have taken place, within the last few years, of standard works, originally issued in several quarto volumes, iu two or three octavos, thereby furnishing them at a small price to many who could never have commanded the more expensive editions. It has appeared to us, however, that hitherto the projectors of such publications have deserved more credit for their intentions than their success. We have ourselves purchased some of them, but have found them very inconvenient to use, from the smallness of the print, or the extreme thickness and weight of the volumes. We can most conscientiously say that the book before us in largeness and clearness of type, convenience of size, and in the ease and fulness with which it opens, will bear comparison with any thing of the kind with which it has been our lot to meet. " The work is the first volume of an edition of Henry intended to be completed in six. It contains the Four Gospels, and is in a manner complete in itself. The work is also to be had in weekly parts. It is stated to be "corrected" as well as revised. We cannot, of course, pretend to have examined into this by any thing like an extensive comparison of the edition with others ; we have, however, personally looked to some particular places, and have found important corrections of previous errors. We have great pleasure in cordially recommending the work to the patronage of the public — a patronage which it deserves, and which it must, we think, eventually secure." — Congregational Magazine, June. " Mr. J. O. Robinson has now published the second volume of his new and carefully revised and corrected edition of Matthew Henry's Exposition, which completes the New Testament, and also the first volume of the Old Testament. We characterized the first volume of this work in our Magazine for June last, and must repeat that for the size and clearness of the type, the portableness of the volume, the cheapness of the price, and we must add, after con- siderable investigation, for agreement with the first editions, it is superior to most of the impressions of the last century." — Congregational Magazine, November, 1836. TB0M8, PRINTER, WARWICK SQl'ARB. t y //////; /J //// f//(' ,\ ■'' //;<■ „2V////// //.// //^v V// '/./' '/'■ -y^ /////// THE STEAM PACKET: A TALE OF THE RIVER AND THE OCEAN. CHAPTER I. IN WHICH THE READER RECEIVES SOME INSTRUCTION IN NAUTICAL MATTERS. If any individual, who takes this book in hand, be either beneath or above in- struction, — that is, if he be already so well informed or so indifferent as to be literally above the knowledge which we propose to record in this chapter ; or, if he be so inaccessible to anything in the shape 'of dry description as to be abso- lutely beneath the possibility of mental improvement, — we at once advise him to skip Chapter the First, and com- mence the perusal of Chapter the Second. But for the behoof of those who attach some little importance to learn- ing, and who gladly find instruction blended with amusement, we have undertaken to describe, in as concise a manner as possible, the origin and progress of naval architecture. The invention and improvement of ships are commingled with so many fabulous or allegorical circumstances, that the accounts of ancient writers upon the subject must be received with extreme sus- picion. When we are told that Daedalus invented wings to fly away from Crete, we must thereby understand that he evaded the wrath of Minos by means of a ship with sails ; — and when we are assured that Hercules sailed with the hide of a lion, we cannot fail to comprehend that his vessel was urged onwards by means of his well-known garment hung up for the purpose. Dardanus is represented to be fleeing before the THE STEAM PACKET. deluge in a boat ; and Charon ferried the spirits of the departed across the Styx in his crazy vessel. In the days of Pliny, the savage Germans sailed in boats hollowed out from the trunks of trees ; and the early Britons constructed their barks of osiers and hides. The Egyptians traversed the Nile upon rafts, according to the earliest records which history affords ; and the Phoenicians even colonised islands so remote from their own clime as Corsica, Sicily, and Malta, with no better means of marine conveyance. The Egyptians soon improved upon their rafts. They built boats, or canoes, of stout beams of the acanthus tree, which were fastened together by wooden pegs. These beams lapped over each other in the style which in modern times is called " clinker-built." The seams were caulked with papyrus ; and a sail of the same material soon diminished the fatigues of the rowers. In descending the Nile, the strong north-east winds were successfully combatted by means of a large bundle of wood, tied together, and let down into the water so as to take a deep hold of the stream. Galliots and Dutch doggers fre- quently adopt a similar plan at the present day. Beyond these im- provements the Egyptians did not immediately proceed, as they had a great horror of navigating the ocean. Tradition says, that the first idea of a canoe was taken from a split reed floating upon the water. The savage would immediately conclude that he could ride safely upon the calm stream, seated on a large tree : — a little farther stretch of ingenuity would speedily teach him the additional security and comfort of several trees joined together; — and hence the raft. This improvement of means would naturally in- crease the courage of the incipient sailor ; — the ocean would soon be dared, and masts and sails would in a measure supersede the toils of the rower. The tail of the fish, or a contemplation of the effect of a paddle, would suggest the rudder ; and the elements of ship-building would be complete. Nor should'the reader receive these details with diffidence, — especially that which alludes to the^polonisation of the Me- diterranean islands by the Phoenicians ; for the Peruvians of the present time undertake long and dangerous sea-voyages on their rafts, which are denominated Balzas, a name acquired from the trees of which they are constructed. The balza consists only of a number of logs fastened tightly together, and rendered stronger by beams placed transversely. It is tapered towards one end, which serves as the prow, in order to facilitate the passage of the raft through the water. It is by no means uncommon for ships upon the Peruvian coast to encounter a balza at a considerable distance from the land, laden with merchandise, and successfully contending with the prevailing trade-winds. The inhabit- THE STEAM PACKET. 6 ants of the Ladrone Islands navigate the most boisterous seas in their frail proas ; — the savages of north-western America dare the rolling billows in their skin-covered barks, which are fashioned with an admirable symmetry ; — and the denizens of Polynesia are not the less hardy in vessels equally simple in manufacture, and rude in material. The Chinese were amongst the first who excelled in the art of ship- building, and the foremost amongst those with whom that art has re- mained completely stationary. Possessing within themselves resources to supply every want, and situate upon the shores of a circumscribed sea, filled with islands, the Chinese were not likely to improve in the art of ship-building ; and the natural immobility of their genius aided natural circumstances in retaining them in ignorance in this respect. During three thousand years have the Chinese followed the same models in the construction of their vessels — models which were master- pieces of art at the epoch of their invention, but which can now do nought save excite the ridicule of the sailors navigating the great ships of Europe which visit the Chinese seas. Amongst the Phoenicians, Carthaginians, and Greeks, the earlier ships were flat-floored, broad, and shallow. A long time elapsed before the keel was added, to diminish the drifting of the vessel in a side wind ; and another considerable interval occurred ere the keelson was super- added, to augment the strength of the structure. The ancients found that iron nails rotted the wood ; and copper was substituted in the manufacture of the bolts. Care was taken to dovetail the ends of the planks in each other, in order to prevent them from starting — a danger which occasionally occurs even in the present time. Lime and pounded shells were applied, in the first instance, to seal the joints ; then wax, resin, and pitch, were substituted ; and caulking with flax was eventually introduced. Large merchant vessels were sheathed with leather instead of copper ; and even lead was occasionally used for this purpose. Oak and pine were the trees most in favour with the ancients for ship-building ; but the bottom part was not unfrequently made of cypress. The Greeks built many of their ships of cedar, to which they gave the name of the " everlasting wood." Of course, the magnitude of the vessels of the ancients increased as their knowledge of the art of ship-building progressed. Their war- ships were at first common rowing boats ; — they then became galleys with two or more decks; — and the complexity of the rigging in- creased in proportion. Anchors at first were but large stones ; — it was next found expedient to construct a peculiar machine of wood and stone combined to retain the ship at a due distance from the land ; — and lastly, iron was called into use. b 2 4 THE STEAM PACKET. In process of time, the ancients constructed ships of the same mag- nitude as the largest of our own in the present age. The cedar-ship huilt by Sesostris, the Isis by Ptolemy Philopater, and the leviathan constructed by Archimedes at the command of Hiero, were all as large as our three-decked line-of-battle ships. The vessels which com- posed Anthony's fleet at the battle of Actium, were of equal magnitude. The largest of the Obelisks of Heliopolis was removed to the city of Rome, by the Emperor Constantius, in a ship capable of carrying a load of 2600 tons. The largest ship in the world could do no more : the Santissima Trinidada could not have done so much. When the Goths overran the civilised world, the art of ship-building was comparatively annihilated. The vessels in which the Saxon pirates were accustomed to carry on their predatory cruises in. the German ocean, and by means of which they made their descent upon Britain, were not as good as those of the Egyptians and Phoenicians ere now noticed. The Venetians and Genoese — the latter of whom, by the intrepidity of their commercial pursuits, were enabled to occupy a suburb of Byzantium-^-were amongst the first to revive the art of ship-building. It is true that the ships of the middle ages, and even of modern times, were strange-looking monsters — very high at the stem and stern, clinker-built, and only able to advance with a favour- able wind. The poop of the Great Harry was so elevated, that the stern-lantern was nearly as high as the mizen-top. She had balconies both to her bow and stern ; there were six round-towers upon her deck and poop ; and she had four masts, with tops literally round. Columbus discovered America in a miserable little vessel not larger than a small brig of our times, and built upon the absurd models just noticed. Sir Walter Raleigh says, — " Whosoever invented ships, every age has added somewhat to them; and in my time they have been greatly bettered. It is not long since striking the top-mast has been devised, together with the chain-pump, which taketh up twice as much water as the old one. We have now studding-sails, and the weighing of anchors with the capstan ; — moreover, we have fallen into consider- ation of the length of cables ; and by it we resist the malice of the greatest winds ; for true it is, that the length of the cable is the life of the ship." But it was not until the compass was invented, that the art of ship-building began to progress with great rapidity. The Americans have introduced the last grand improvement into ship-building ; namely, by reducing the whole top-side into one uni- form, unbroken level. A vessel that is so constructed — " flush fore and aft," in nautical language — has the peculiar advantage of presenting no obstructions to catch the wind : and the ship, being lighter at each end, THE STEAM PACKET. pitches and performs its motions with far more ease than those vessels whose decks rise into a little mountain abaft, Ships, built upon the American plan, are much less liable to " camber," or break their backs, than those whose extremities yield considerably at the moment of launching, in consequence of their heaviness. The draught of an American schooner is double at the stern what it is forward, or at the bow : her greatest breadth is before the centre ; and she can bear a large surface of sail. We have now briefly traced the history of ship-building, from its commencement up to the present time : let us conclude this, our intro- ductory chapter, with a few observations upon steam, and its application to navigation. This gigantic prime mover was employed in certain purposes, unconnected with vessels, two thousand years ago. But it was not until the year 1624 that an engine of any importance was constructed ; when De Cans, a learned Frenchman, invented a machine in which high-pressure steam was employed for the purpose of driving up a jet of hot water. In 1682 Sir Samuel Moreland made some experiments upon the elasticity of steam — " a power," he says, " of so prodigious a nature that, if closely confined, it will burst like a cannon ; but being governed upon statical principles, and by science reduced to measure, weight, and balance, it then bears itself quietly under the harness (like good horses), and becomes of great use to mankind, particularly for the raising of water." Captain Savery first employed the steam-engine efficiently in draining the mines in Cornwall. Dr. Papin improved upon his plans ; and in 1707 Prony, a celebrated French engineer and author, constructed a machine, upon an entirely original scheme, for the purpose of raising water. But amongst those who have chiefly contributed to the im- provement of the steam-engine, the name of James Watt stands pre- eminent. It was in 1698 that Savery first recommended the use of paddle-wheels to the attention of those skilled in naval architecture ; and forty years afterwards Jonathan Hulls obtained a patent for a scheme of paddle-wheels to be moved by an atmospheric engine of considerable power. In 1781, the Abbe Arnal, canon of Alais in Languedoc, proposed a crank for the purpose of turning paddle-wheels in the navigation of lighters. The first steam-vessel was constructed in the year 1781, at Lyons. The Marquis de Jouffroi was the enterprising individual who deter- mined to prove by experiments the practicability of applying steam to the navigation of vessels. The experiments, which were made upon the river Saone, were completely successful ; but the fury of the Bevo- lution intervened, and he was compelled to leave France ere he could O THE STEAM PACKET. reap any benefit from his undertaking. When he returned to his native land in 1 796, he found that a M. de Blanc, an artist of Trevoux, had obtained a patent for the construction of a steam-boat; and at the same time the celebrated Fulton was making his experiments near the Isle des Cygnes. In the meantime some similar attempts to reduce a grand theory to practice, had been made in England. In 1794, a Mr. Miller, of Dals- winton, built a steam- vessel ; but he does not appear to have been very successful in his experiments. In 1801 another steam- vessel was built by a Mr. Symington ; and this vessel ran upon the Forth and Clyde. For some reason with which we are not acquainted, although the published excuse was the injury done to the banks of the canal by the agitation of the water, the experiments were not continued for any length of time. Fulton, however, succeeded in introducing his disco- veries to the world ; and from that period the practice of applying steam to the navigation of vessels has not only become general in all the civilised maritime nations, but has been brought to a rare state of perfection. To what wonderful results, then, does the ingenuity of man conduct him, — from the osier-built canoe, covered with skins, which we noticed at the commencement of this chapter, to the noble steam-ship, which is to form the subject of the ensuing pages ! And, again, how won- derful appears that combination, to form one grand structure, of so many various materials, all originally in such rude conditions, and bearing so little analogy with each other ! The acorn is sown — the oak springs up, and the timber for the vessel is procured from the forest ; — the hemp waves in the fields — the iron and copper are profoundly imbedded in the earth — and the tar is sealed up in the lofty pine; — and yet each and all of these are, by the skill of man, called into use, and, by his power, so united that the vast floating habitation called a Ship is the magnificent result. THE STEAM PACKET. CHAPTER IT. IN WHICH A MOST RESPECTABLE, ERUDITE, AND ENTERPRISING CLUB, WITH MR. PIFPAF, ITS CHAIRMAN, IS INTRODUCED TO THE READER. Mr. Pifpaf presided over a club en- titled "The Luminaries;" but we know not from what source the frater- nity derived its appellation. Some maintained that the nomenclature took its origin in the fact that the club always assembled by candle- light; — others asserted that the simple circumstance of every member's in- variably lighting his pipe the mo- ment he took his seat, conferred the distinction; — while a third party, more waggishly inclined than the other commentators, slyly hinted that the Latin phrase, " lucus a non lacendo''' 1 would, by analogy, sufficiently explain the origin of the celebrated title of "Lumin- aries." Indeed, as this club had existed for a hundred and twenty years, had frequently been renewed by the admission of strangers, and had not always met at the same public-house, it is somewhat difficult to penetrate, with any degree of satisfaction, into those murky clouds which unfortunately obscure its sublime origin. Vainly have we ap- plied, in our anxiety to unravel the complicated skeins of this '•deep mystery, and to throw the glare of the lantern of truth upon the dense obscurity of a palpable night, — vainly have we applied to Mr. Rum- tutch, the secretary, and to Mr. Tiptile, the treasurer, for information upon this head. Mr. Rumtutch, with that condescension for which this gentleman is so pre-eminently distinguished (a virtue not always found in truly great men), immediately submitted his books to our in- spection; but as the first entry was as follows : — " Proposed by Mr. Turnchurch, seconded by Mr. Glassnose, and carried unanimously, after several eloquent harangues upon the nature of the motion, that welsh-rabbits be now introduced ;" — as this was the first entry, we say, in the books of Mr. Rumtutch, and as his successor had con- verted his books into pipe-lights for the benefit of the club, no infor- mation was to be gleaned from that source. Our application to the treasurer was also fruitless. All we could elicit from him, (for he THE STEAM PACKET. manifested that extreme caution which usually characterises great financiers,) was that the club owed him a balance of four shillings and threepence halfpenny ; and that the first book ever kept in the trea- sury department of the club had been carried away by the gentleman who first presided over that department, and who, it appears, one day repaired to some distant place, most probably in a fit of absence of mind, as he entirely forgot to give any account, previous to his jour- ney, of the hundred and odd pounds entrusted to his care. Be all this as it may or might' — the Club of Luminaries was founded in the year 1 720 ; and the dynasty of Pifpaf was the thirteenth which had swayed the destinies of this powerful Association. Mr. Timothy Pifpaf, the gentleman whom we introduce to our readers in the year 1 840, succeeded his father, Mr. Jacob Pifpaf, in his onerous, difficult, and honourable situation. Mr. Timothy Pifpaf was a retired pork- butcher, who had amassed a considerable fortune in the delicate task of submitting the flesh of swine to public competition, and who had acquired an honourable reputation in the exercise of his calling. He had twice received the thanks of his fellow-citizens, in ward-mote assembled ; once for having contributed a hundred guineas towards the district "funds ; and, on the second occasion, for having withdrawn from the contest in an election of an alderman, to make way for the more favoured candidate. Of these incidents in a man's life, any one would have a right to be proud ; but not a particle of the ridiculous sentiment of vain-glory was found lurking in the breast of Pifpaf! No — he never acted from selfish motives : he had devoted himself to the good of his country; and, although his patriotic exertions were principally confined to two streets and an alley, the inhabitants of which he represented in the common council, those exertions were not the less strenuous or praiseworthy. At the time when we introduce this remarkable man to our readers, he had attained his fifty-sixth year. He was about the middle height, and possessed all the outward characteristics of a powerful intellect. It was astonishing how his eyes sparkled after dinner, or at the club, when he solaced the severe duties of a public life with the private comfort of hot brandy-and-water. His forehead, too, was remarkably high, and might have been denominated handsome, had not its regu- larity been somewhat defaced by the red blotches which covered it. His nose was large : — the detractors of Mr. Pifpaf (and who has not his enemies ?) declared that it was of the bottle species ; and we are fain to admit that it certainly was somewhat bulbous. But this was of no consequence ; for when its entire surface was illuminated with that bright glow, which could have been nothing else than the fire of THE STEAM PACKET. 9 intellect, his whole countenance was expressive indeed. Then the lips would fall apart, and the weight of important matters pressing upon the brain would cause Mr. Pifpaf to sit very unsteadily in his chair. In person he was stout, with a remarkable protuberance of stomach, which, in the technical language of common-councilmen, is called the " corporation." His attire was a black coat, white cravat, buff waist- coat, drab knee-breeches, worsted stockings, and shoes. His family consisted of an amiable wife and three lovely daughters ; — but of these pledges of the fortunate perpetuation of the Pifpaf race, we shall have to speak more anon. . Let us introduce the reader at once to the club. The Luminaries assembled, at the epoch of which we are writing, at the Musical Bee public-house, in a narrow but respectable street in the vicinity of the Custom-House — consequently in the district of Eastcheap, Thames Street, &c. A large room on the first floor was appropriated to the use of the club every Monday evening. The club consisted of about sixty members, upwards of forty of whom were generally present on the nights of assembly. Those who did not attend, and who did not assign, on a future occasion, a sufficient reason for their absence, were fined one shilling each. This appeared from the Rules and Regula- tions which were suspended over the mantel-piece, and which were painted in gold letters upon a black ground, the whole surrounded by an oaken frame. From these enactments, which were as unalterable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, it appeared that any member who should arrive at such a point of intoxication as to render it neces- sary to convey him home upon a shutter, should be mulcted at the next meeting in the sum of ten shillings. Any member who should decline to drink himself, was compelled to pay for two glasses for the benefit of the chairman. Any member who was quarrelsome, was to be immediately expelled from the room ; but he might make his peace by calling for a crown-bowl of punch ; — and, in case the strength of the executive could not succeed in turning the offender out, and he persisted in his obstreperous conduct, the wisdom of the chairman was to be referred to. But what appeared more singular than anything else in the legislative enactments of this club, is the fact that any one who should propose " that the chairman do leave the chair, and that this meeting do adjourn until another night," should pay a forfeit of glasses round. From this law it was evident that the Luminaries endeavoured to sustain their conviviality, on their nights of meeting, as long as possible; and the consequence was, that, as no individual member chose to pay for forty or fifty glasses of punch, at one shilling each, as the penalty for breaking up the evening's entertainment, each member 10 THE STEAM TACKET. took his departure when he chose, and the chairman was invariably left in solitary glory in the end. It is evident that the real intention of the modern Lycurgus, or Draco, who drew up the laws of the club, were defeated in the result ; but this is only another instance of the fallibility of human law-givers, and may be classed with such legislative failures as the Tariff, the Corn-law Bill, and other measures which have lately emanated from the immaculate Tories. Well — the club has met ; Mr. Pifpaf has taken the chair ; Mr. Rum- tutch sits at his right hand ; Mr. Tiptile on his left. The reader may here exclaim, " But of what nature was this club — literary, scientific, or what?" In faith, this is a question somewhat difficult to answer. That the club was philosophic, is certain from divers entries found in the secretary's " minutes;" but whether it ever arrived at the bottom of anything, save the punch-bowl, we cannot aver. That the club imitated other clubs in certain respects, is proved by the fact that the word " discussed" is repeatedly found in the book just alluded to; and a little farther research shows us that amongst the various things so discussed, were beef-steaks, chops, kidneys, broiled bones, devilled turkeys' legs, welsh-rabbits,* &c. The club was most respectable, because the members always settled their score before they left the house; — the club was most erudite, because its members said so ; — and, lastly, the club was most enterprising, because no matter what amount of liquor was supplied by the fines, perseverance invariably enabled the members to get through it. This is all we at present know concerning the attributes of the club : farther particulars will doubtless develop themselves as we proceed with our most veracious and faithful narrative. Mr. Pifpaf took his seat, and glanced benignantly round the table at which he presided ; and his eyes then wandered to the other tables in the room, round which the members had placed themselves. There was a strong muster of the Luminaries ; and Mr. Pifpaf was highly pleased. Indeed it was with even an extra urbanity of manner that he said to the waiter, " William, bring me a glass of hot brandy-and-waler and a screw." The reader need not imagine that Mr. Pifpaf was anxious, upon this occasion, to make a vain display of any acquire- ments which he might possess as a carpenter ; — neither did he intend any allusion to a screw in mechanics, nor to a screw in the monetary acceptation of the word ; — all he intended to express, was his want of a screw of tobacco. * We are perfectly aware that the proper mode of spelling this compound, is rare- bit ; but we prefer following the plan adopted by Mr. Rumtutch, the Secretary of the Luminaries, in this as in divers other important or disputed matters. THE STEAM PACKET. 11 As soon as all the members present had been accommodated with the species of liqnor and tobacco which they required, Mr. Pifpaf called "Silence !" and then, after a sip of his brandy-and-water, and three puffs at his pipe, he added, " Gentlemen, the secretary will now read you the minutes of our last meeting." Thereupon, Mr. Rumtutch, who had been looking at the gas-light just above his head, as if he were quite unaware that he was about to be called upon for any purpose whatever, opened his book, hemmed, wiped his mouth with his handkerchief, cast a glance towards the chairman, hemmed again, and then began to read as follows : — " At a meeting of the club of Honourable and Independent Lumin- aries, held at the Musical Bee, on Monday, the of May, 1840, Mr. Timothy Pifpaf in the chair, the minutes of the former meeting were read and confirmed. " Mr. Pifpaf then called the attention of the meeting to a letter which he had received from the Secretary of State for the Home Department, returning thanks, in the name of Her Most Gracious Majesty Queen Victoria, to the Honourable Club, for the stuffed ring- tailed monkey most respectfully presented by this club to Her Majesty, and which Her Majesty was most graciously pleased to accept. " The secretary next reported that several gentlemen then present had incurred certain fines, which were thereupon inflicted by the chairman, and paid, with the exception of that in which Mr. Jeremiah Crumplings was assessed. This gentleman, to the great grief of his friends, com- menced a series of gross abuse upon the venerable chairman, stating amongst other calumnies that the said venerable chairman was him- self ' as drunk as an owl,' and promiscuously sending the aforesaid venerable chairman to the abode of Lucifer, where he recommended him to amuse himself with spiders ; — whereupon it was moved by Mr. Shiffley, seconded by Mr. Nibkins, supported by Captain Pentonville, and carried unanimously, that the said Mr. Jeremiah Crumplings be ex- pelled the room. This resolution was effected by means of the potboy and three gentlemen in smock-frocks who were drinking in the tap-room of the establishment. Memorandum .• — The chairman, in virtue of his prerogative, ordered the potboy and the three gentlemen here alluded to, to be regaled with a go of gin each, at the expense of the society. " It was moved by Mr. Nibkins, seconded by Mr. Turnchurch, and carried unanimously, — that a treat of two guineas' worth of punch, volunteered by Mr. Tillinick upon the occasion of his most auspi- cious marriage, be accepted ; and that the thanks and kindest wishes of the club be presented to Mr. Tillinick. " It was moved by Mr. Kruby, and seconded by Mr. Tiptile, that 12 THE STEAM PACKET. the present distressed state of the country should form the subject of the evening's debate. Mr. Cowslip and Mr. Deputy Higgins (of Port- soken Ward) spoke against the motion. Mr. Styles and Mr. Shiffley supported the proposition. Mr. Nibkins moved as an amendment, that the chairman do favour the company with a song. Mr. Splikes seconded, and Captain Pentonville supported the amendment. A show of hands was demanded ; and the chairman declared that the result was in favour of the amendment. The venerable chairman accordingly sang, with much feeling and taste, the following words, which were ordered to be entered upon the minutes : — " Fill me a glass, that I may toast The health of all around me ; And let it be my constant boast, That faithful friends surround me : For he who fills the chairman's seat, Of feeling must have some touch, When such companions he may meet As Nibkins, Styles, and Rumtutch. " Fill me a glass — a goblet full, That I may toast good fellows : — The mind is like a fire ; — when dull, Liquor must be the bellows. The wit will then flash forth again, As bright as any ruby ; And thus can I my part sustain With Tillinick and Kruby. " It was moved by Mr. Glassnose, and seconded by Mr. Tiptile, that the depressed condition of trade be discussed this evening. Mr. Nibkins moved as an amendment, and Mr. Stokes seconded the pro- posal, that the subject discussed be supper. Carried with only seven dissentient. " The chairman recommended to the club that the mode of passing a few weeks' holiday, according to the annual custom of the club, be taken into consideration after supper. Thereupon a committee, con- sisting of the chairman, secretary, treasurer, and auditors, and Mes- sieurs Kruby, Nibkins, and Turnchurch, with Captain Pentonville, be appointed to deliberate upon the best means of carrying out the above purpose." Thus concluded the minutes of the preceding meeting. One honourable member moved, " that they be confirmed ;" and another seconded the motion ; which was immediately carried. Mr. Pifpaf then called upon the chairman of the Holiday Committee # to state, whether the said committee had anything to report to the meeting. THE STEAM PACKET. 13 Captain Pentonville hereupon rose solemnly upon his legs, and pre- pared to address the assembly. But, as this gentleman is destined to cut a conspicuous figure in the progress of these memoirs, it will be necessary to give a description of him in this place. Captain Pentonville was a gentleman of about two-and-thirty. His figure was good ; but there was a certain swagger in his gait which destroyed the effect that a symmetrical shape would otherwise have produced. There was also a drawback to a countenance naturally handsome: he endeavoured to give an expression of uncommon fierceness to his eyes, nostrils, and mouth, by opening wide the first, dilating the second, and screwing up the last — so that the tout en- semble savoured rather more of the ridiculous than any thing else. He was nearly six feet in height, had a dashing military air, and held himself uncommonly upright. He usually dressed well, in a frock- coat, buttoned tight over the chest, grey trousers, and highly polished boots. His whiskers were permitted to " run to seed ;" he wore a moustache and an imperial ; and his locks were the best advertise- ments which Alexander Kowland and Son, of Hatton Garden, could possibly have wished for. They perpetually reminded those who came near their proprietor, of Macassar oil ; and as they flowed, in luxuriant waves, over his coat collar, the means of advertisement thus referred to were as ample as they were effectual. Captain Pentonville had been for a few weeks, upon one occasion, on the Continent, and was therefore *' a great traveller;" — he had sub-edited a weekly newspaper devoted to military affairs, and was therefore, as he used to hint to new acquaintances in a half whisper, " connected with the press;" — he had written an account of his trip to Paris, in one volume octavo, and was therefore " an author ;" — he occasionally quoted a scrap of Latin or Greek, and was considered " a great classic ;" — he often talked of Lord Noodleton, and was hence declared to be " a man who moved in the best society;" — he talked of Macready, Madame Vestris, Ellen Tree, Charles Kemble, and all the members of the corps dramatique, with the confidence of one who is well- informed, and was therefore deemed " the best judge of theatricals in London ;" — and he could drink any other man under the table, and was consequently pronounced to be " a capital fellow." Others said he was " excellent company ;" and all agreed that he could " make himself very agreeable if he liked." All these were certainly great qualifications. Still there were two points in respect to which all his acquaintances and friends remained in a state of Cimmerian darkness, from which he never condescended to relieve them. In the first place, no one could ever ascertain which 14 THE STEAM PACKET. regiment the captain had served in ; for if ever the question were put to him, he invariably contrived to evade an answer, and yet not ap- pear embarrassed. Secondly, his sources of income were entirely un- known ; nevertheless, he drank his punch and smoked his cigars, as freely as any other member of the club ; was particularly liberal to the waiter, and settled his score with punctuality. He had ingratiated himself into the favour of Mr. Pifpaf, whose little foibles (for all great men have their foibles) he judiciously flattered ; and rumour asserted that Captain Pentonville would probably lead the elder Miss Pifpaf to the hymeneal altar at no distant day. But we left Captain Pentonville upon his legs ; and we must now hear what he has to say for himself. In a commanding but musical tone, he spoke as follows : — " Mr. Chairman,— Having been called upon to preside over the committee appointed by the honourable club to take into considera- tion the mode and means of enabling those members, who may feel so disposed, to partake of a few weeks' recreation in each other's society, it is now my duty to communicate to you, sir, and to this meeting, the result of our deliberations. It was wisely observed by you, Mr. Chairman, the other evening, that occasional pleasure is as necessary to man as the toils with which he obtains his bread. We must all unbend, sir, at times : it is better to laugh than to cry. And when, sir, I behold a gentleman of your importance and standing in society -—a gentleman who has twice received the vote of thanks of his fellow- citizens for most extraordinary actions of philanthropy ; — when, I say, I perceive a gentleman like Mr. Timothy Pifpaf, coming forward to join in our pleasures, and countenance our amusements, — when I con- template so solemn, so inspiring, so noble an act of condescension, I cannot for one moment hesitate to express my conviction that all the faithful members of this honourable and independent club will flock around their great — their respected — their devoted leader. [Immense cheering.) Gentlemen, I have visited foreign parts, and have seen much of the world ; — but I never beheld so animated a spectacle as this now before me. {Cheers.) I hold Her Majesty's commission, gentlemen — I belong to a service of which all true Britons should be proud; and next to holding the rank of captain in Her Majesty's service, gentlemen, the circumstance of which I am most proud is that of being an honourable and independent Luminary. ( Thunders of applause.) I owe much to this society. In the first place, I am indebted for the acquaintance of one gentleman, whose friendship I cannot too highly prize — gentlemen, I allude to our worthy chairman. {Hear !) Gentlemen, I am accustomed to move in that sphere of THE STEAM PACKET. 15 society where all friendship is hollow, heartless, and interested. But here, gentlemen, I ought to mention one honourable exception — I mean the Earl of Noodleton, with whom I have been upon terms of friendship — I may say intimacy — for many years. Still the friendship of the citizens of the great metropolis is an inestimable boon — a boon, gentlemen, which I enjoy in my communion with you — a boon which many a noble individual at the West End covets, but in vain. But, gentlemen, the enthusiasm of the subject carries me away. {Hear /) I could speak for six weeks without stopping, gentlemen, when enu- merating the excellencies of this most honourable and independent club. {Tremendous cheering.) But — pour revenir d nos moutons t as the French say — or, in other words, to return to my subject. Gentlemen, your committee has duly considered the subject of the few weeks' recreation. Last year we passed a week in visiting the beautiful sites in the vicinity of the metropolis; and the only com- plaint was, that the excursion was not long enough. The year before, if you remember, gentlemen, we proceeded by steam to Margate, where we passed ten days in the most felicitous manner ; enjoying not only the otium cum dignitate, but also the advantages of sea-bathing. {Hear — hear /) I could retrace our annual diversions for a series of several years, during which I have had the honour of being a member of the club. Mr. Chairman and gentlemen, your committee, upon the present occasion, has endeavoured to meet all your hopes, anticipate all your wishes, and fulfil all your desires, to the utmost extent. We propose that this year's excursion shall excel that of any preceding year, since the establishment of the club. {Hear — hear /) I see that you are all upon the tip-toe of expectation ; and I shall not keep you any longer in suspense. In a word, then, Mr. Chairman and gentle- men, we propose an excursion by water — a voyage by steam — to Margate, Bamsgate, Deal, Dover, Calais, Boulogne, Saint Malo, and Guernsey, whence we shall return home, after touching at the Isle of Wight." Nothing could exceed the burst of rapturous applause with which this announcement was received. The magnitude of the plan was delightful to the heart of every true Luminary. Mr. Pifpaf was so much affected, that, in the temporary excitement which the scheme produced upon him, he desired the waiter to bring him a half-crown bowl of brandy-punch, instead of a miserable shilling glass. Nor was this generous example without imitation. The Luminaries generally did honour to the conduct of their chairman, by following it upon all suitable occasions. The consequence was, that never did liquor flow more abundantly than upon this night ; and never were so many 16 THE STEAM PACKET. delinquents fined, under the clause relative to the shutter in the rules of the club, as at the next meeting. But to continue. The moment Captain Pentonville seated himself, up rose Mr. Deputy Higgins, to propose that the plan of the com- mittee should be adopted. Mr. Kruby seconded the motion of Mr. Deputy Higgins, and upwards of a dozen honourable and independent Luminaries supported it. Mr. Pifpaf put the motion, amidst great confusion — in consequence of every one persisting in expounding his plans and intentions with regard to the voyage, to his neighbour ; but every hand was held up to indicate an assent. Mr. Splikes then moved, in a most eloquent speech, which was loudly applauded, and all but encored, that the committee already appointed should be requested to cany out the plan it had already laid down. Mr. Cowslip seconded this motion, which was also carried unanimously. It being now nearly half-an-hour after midnight, the Luminaries began to drop off according to custom ; and at length only Mr. Pifpaf and Captain Pentonville were left. These gentlemen indulged in a parting glass together ; and the Captain, having received an invitation to dine with the chairman on the ensuing day at five o'clock, parted with that gentleman for the night. CHAPTER III. IN WHICH THE READER IS INTRODUCED, WITHOUT ANY CEREMONY, TO THE AMIABLE FAMILY OF MR. PIFPAF. CAPTAIN PENTONVILLE RENDERS HIMSELF PARTICULARLY AGREEABLE. At a quarter to five o'clock on the following afternoon, Mrs. Pifpaf, with her three daughters, proceeded to the drawing-room of their town-residence, which was airily and cheerfully situate in a lane just six feet wide, from door-step to door-step. But so wonderfully did the houses manifest their entire disregard for anything like a perpen- dicular, that they resembled so many leaning towers of Pisa adjoining each other, and the servants could shake hands with one another, and very likely did, from opposite garret windows. Had these houses only been built a little higher, they would have touched each other at the tops, and thus formed an acute angled-triangle, with the width of the lane for a base. THE STEAM PACKET. 17 And yet such an extraordinary concatenation of dwellings not only numbered amongst its inhabitants some very wealthy citizens, but also such very genteel people as the Pifpafs. Mrs. Pifpaf was the daughter of an innkeeper in a country town in Kent, and up to the age of eigh- teen, had scarcely quitted the paternal hearth. But she upon one oc- casion paid a visit to a " carpenter's lady " in London ; and, observing the pallid faces, shaken nerves, and dainty manners of the capital, she returned home with a determination to be " genteel " and " delicate ; " but whether her disease should be bilious from over thought, or nerv- ous from over sensibility, she had never been able to make up her mind. However, by dint of " thin potations," scanty petticoats in winter, theunrelaxing attentions of the two village surgeons all the year round, and an exuberant sensibility for, and excessive sympathy with, all the calves which her uncle, the butcher over-the-way, immolated in the exercise of his respectable calling, she soon attained her desired object. Thus, from being a robust, hard- working girl, she became a fine lady, and at the age of twenty, might have been as easily seen through as one of Ossian's ghosts, or the living anatomy himself. At this momentous period, she was courted by Mr. Pifpaf, who visited her native village upon some matter of business; and in a short time she became the wife of that highly respectable and illustrious gentleman. It soon turned out that her husband had got a bad bargain : he was nobody in his wife's estimation ; — she ruled the roast — aye, and the boiled and the baked too, for that matter; and she also had a peculiarly happy way of " settling his hash for him," as she termed it in moments when indignation got the better of extreme good breeding. Indeed, the husbands of such ladies as these never are any body : they are not " known at the gate ;" but in recompense Mr. Pifpaf, as we have seen in the preceding chapter, was very well known at the public-house, whither he constantly resorted when the " lady " his wife had turned his stomach by more than the usual dose of tender sensibility. Solo- mon, that eldest of moralizers, says that "a foolish woman plucketh down her house with her hands." We do not mean to differ from the wise king, who certainly knew more of women than we do (he had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines), when we say that our friend Mrs. Pifpaf very frequently plucked down the principal prop of Tier domicile — that is to say, if her husband can in any way be proved to be deserving of the denomination of the prop. Children are certainly misnamed very frequently, when they are termed " the pledges of affection." Mr. and Mrs. Pifpaf had three children — three daughters, whom we shall presently describe ; but we have shown that they were by no means guarantees of anything c 18 THE STEAM PACKET. like love. The eldest Miss Pifpaf, whose Christian name was Ara- mintha, was about three-and-twenty at the period when this momentous history commences. She Was tall — and here we may as well observe, that all the three Misses Pifpaf were tall, slim, and delicate. Ara- mintha was devotedly attached to poetry, and lived upon Byron : indeed poetry was meat and drink to her, and might have been love also, had not Captain Pentonville cut it out in this respect. The second Miss Pifpaf, whose Christian name was Belinda, was twenty. She was a complete romp — oh ! such a romp, that she would pass whole hours in flitting about from room to room — doing nothing at all, but laugh- ing, and leaping, and clapping her hands, and performing a thousand girlish antics. Her mother declared that she was quite a genius; but that those spirits of hers — ah ! those unnatural spirits — would be the death of her ! The third daughter, whose name was Sarah (" a vulgar name," as her mother remarked, " which her poor dear girl was com- pelled to put up with, as it was given to her in honour of old aunt Sarah, who was worth thousands,") was only eighteen, and boasted of having been " finished" in Paris. Her mother lauded Sarah's accom- plishments to the skies ; and loved her more tenderly than her other children, because she imagined her to be the ill-fated victim of an ugly name. For the rest, the three Misses Pifpaf were neither very pretty, nor very ill-looking : they had all good eyes and teeth — and with those saving clauses in the constitution of the face on ira loin. These were the ladies who were assembled in the drawing-room at a quarter to five o'clock in the afternoon. Mrs. Pifpaf was lounging negligently upon the sofa, with a volume of T. K. Hervey's poems in her hand ; — Miss Aramintha was devouring Byron in the recess of a window which commanded a view of the street, and consequently enabled her to ascertain when Captain Pentonville was coming ; — Miss Belinda was jumping off and on an ottoman placed near the sofa upon which her mamma was so languidly reclining ; — and Miss Sarah was practising a new air which she had received from Paris that morning. Mr. Pifpaf was, at the same period, busily employed in fetching up wine from the cellar- — the only domestic duty which he dared to execute, as a matter of course, without previously demanding his wife's permission. " Belinda, my sweet girl, pray have pity upon my poor head ! " said Mrs. Pifpaf, in a voice which could not possibly have been more melancholy and pathetic, even if she had been going to take leave of her family previous to being hanged at the Old Bailey. " Don't, my darling creature, romp about in that way — my nerves really can't bear it. I feel that I shall go distracted — I shall indeed ! " THE STEAM PACKET. 19 ** La, ma ! " ejaculated Belinda ; " how can you talk in that way ! I'm sure you didn't seem anything like a person whose nerves were so bad, when you were scolding the cook just now in a voice which could be heard up at the top of the house." " Ah ! my dearest Belinda — that was in the kitchen, you know," returned Mrs. Pifpaf ; "but this is the drawing-room, love." " Well, I'm sure I can't understand how a person can be so nervous in one room, and so loud and bustling, and active in another, mamma," persisted Belinda, who now amused herself by leaping over the stool instead of off and on it. " Ah ! my poor head ! " said the lady with an intense melancholy of tone, which would have inspired a stranger with the most serious alarm, and induced him to risk the dislocation of his neck in his hurry to fetch a doctor. "At all events," continued Belinda, who was now knocking flies off the looking-glass with her delicate white cambric handkerchief, and surveying herself the whole time in the mirror as she thus innocently disported, — " at all events, it is very fortunate that this poor head of yours only came on when all the day's preparations were made. You were up at five this morning, mamma, for I heard you rout out the maids; and you have been busy ever since in the confection of jellies, whips, blanc -manger , and all the little nick-nacks in which you excel — when you have the Cookery Book at your elbow." " Do not chatter so, Belinda, love : I really am afraid that my poor head will prevent me from appearing at the dinner-table. Oh ! it is hard to suffer as I always do — and in the prime of life too ! " added Mrs. Pifpaf, who was only just turned forty-five Scarcely had Mrs. Pifpaf uttered her apprehensions relative to the probable results of her poor head, when the cook came rushing into the room, exclaiming in piteous accents, " Oh ! ma'am — the creams — the jellies — the cat ! " "What, Mary!" cried Mrs. Pifpaf, in a voice of extraordinary power and quickness for an invalid ; and, in spite of her nerves, she started from the sofa, pushed the cook violently aside, and flew, rather than ran, down stairs to the kitchen. " What is the matter, Mary ? " demanded Miss Aramintha. "The cat, Miss " began the discomfited servant, wiping her brow with her apron. "Well, Mary — what then? the cat " said Aramintha, almost breathless. " Has thrown down all the jellies, and drank up the " " The creams ! " ejaculated Miss Pifpaf, clasping her hands to- c2 20 THE STEAM PACKET. gether with feelings of inexplicable emotion. " And he is so fond of them ! " With these words, the poetic young lady hurled her Byron to the farther side of the room, and rushed precipitately down stairs after her mother. " Well, I 'ni sure ! here's a fuss about a few jellies and creams ! " said Miss Sarah. "It would have been much worse if my new music were lost." " Let's have a game of romps, Sally, — now that we are all alone, — eh, dear?" cried Belinda, skipping from one end of the room to the other. But just at that moment, before Miss Sarah had time to vouchsafe a reply (which, we are afraid, would not have been a very gracious one) to her volatile sister, a tremendous double-knock resounded up and down the street, and awoke every echo from cellar to garret throughout the house. Then, what a scene of confusion ensued ! Mrs. Pifpaf rushed up stairs with the velocity of a race-horse, threw herself down upon the sofa, composed herself into a languishing and highly sentimental position, pressed her handkerchief, as if with agonising throe, against her poor forehead, and seemed resigned to any fate, however severe, which might be in store for her in this life. Miss Aramintha Pifpaf followed close at her heels, seized upon the Byron once more, hastened to smooth the leaves which had been ruffled by the indignant treatment it had experienced, and then seated herself with studied listlessness upon a chair, where she speedily appeared to be absorbed in the study of the great poet. Miss Belinda resumed her exercise of jumping on and off the ottoman ; and Miss Sarah began the middle of an air, to make believe that she had been playing some time, and consequently had not struck up merely for the behoof of the expected guests. The scene would really remind one of the interior of the green-room, where the king has just accepted a drink of porter out of the clown's pewter-pot, when the manager's bell summons them to resume all on a sudden the dignity and the characters which they had temporarily laid aside. And so it is in the more important affairs of life : — the merchant, the statesman, the general, the author, assume for a few moments, when no one is nigh, the real characters which nature has given them ; — but the time for exertion comes — like the double- knock at the door, or the manager's bell — and they hurriedly put on the demeanour which policy alone compels them habitually to adopt. The moment Mrs. Pifpaf and her daughters were thus prepared to receive their guests, footsteps were heard ascending the stairs, and Captain Pentonville was announced. Most urbane was the manner in THE STEAM PACKET. 21 which he paid his respects to the ladies ; and cordial was the reception he experienced. Indeed, he was not exactly upon the footing of a mere acquaintance : he behaved and was treated in the light of an intimate friend. " Well, I am sure ! you have taken me quite unawares," said Sarah fidgetting with her music-book : "I really did not hear you knock at the door." " And I must apologise for interrupting your divine melody," returned the captain, with a smile. lt Ah ! Miss Sarah, had you been educated in England, you would never have played like that ! " " And to have caught me jumping over the ottoman ! " cried Belinda, concealing her face with her hands — which was quite unnecessary, as she was not blushing. " Oh ! I know you are all life and spirits — amiable innocence ! " ejaculated Captain Pentonville, raising his eyes to heaven. "But how are you to-day, my dear madam?" he added, turning towards Mrs. Pifpaf. " Don't ask me, Captain Pentonville," answered this truly-afflicted and much-to-be-pitied lady : " my poor head! — I am afraid I shall go distracted ! " " Ah ! my dear madam, "said the captain, sinking his voice almost to a whisper, " you do indeed look delicate ! you are a victim — a martyr ; but you bear it all with the patience and resignation of a saint." The captain then approached Miss Pifpaf, and said in a soft and winning tone, while his eyes played second fiddle to his voice, — ** And what, my dear Aramintha, may be the subject of your studies ? " " My favourite poet, Augustus — Byron, you know," returned the young lady, playfully showing the page where she had been reading — or rather (to be quite correct) on which her eyes had been bent. Captain Pentonville, our readers will now perceive, was a man of extreme tact. In the short space of two minutes he had put the entire female portion of the Pifpaf family on most excellent terms with itself — and this without apparently travelling out of his way for the necessary compliments. He had flattered Miss Sarah by an allusion to her musical talents and her foreign education, upon which she so highly prided herself; — he had pleased Belinda by appearing to consider her the romp which she affected to be ; — he had won the heart of the mother by declaring that she really was delicate (although her face was purple, and her forehead covered with perspiration, from the excitement pro- duced by the destruction of the jellies and creams) ; — and he had fixed additional chains round the heart of Aramintha, to whom he had spoken of her studies in such a soft and touching tone. 22 THE STEAM PACKET. At that moment Mr. Pifpaf entered the room. " My dear Pentonville, how are you this afternoon ? " said the re- tired pork-butcher, squeezing his guest's hand with most cordial and hospitable violence. " Quite well, I thank you," answered the captain in his blandest tones. "And you, my dear sir, are actually looking younger and better than ever." " Well, I don't know," said Mr. Pifpaf, stroking his chin compla- cently, and casting a furtive glance into the mirror; " they all tell me that I wear pretty well." " I am sure, Mr. Pifpaf, I, for one, never told you any such thing," cried Mrs. Pifpaf. " Didn't you, my dear? " said her obsequious husband. " Well — I 'm sure I thought you did." *■. For my part," observed Captain Pentonville, " I never saw you look better in your life. Where, by the by, did you walk this morning'? " "All round by the Elephant and Castle," replied Mr. Pifpaf. " Ah ! I thought so," ejaculated the captain- " What time was it? " " Why — about twelve, I should say,'' was the answer. " Just the hour ! " cried the captain. " Well, I and my friend Lord Noodleton were riding by there at the time, and we saw you walking along the right — no, the left hand " *' No — the right-hand side of the causeway," said Mr. Pifpaf. " Ah ! so it was — I remember now ! " continued the captain. " How- ever — I saw you, and hallooed after you as loud as I could bawl. But I was riding a very high-spirited horse — one of Noodleton's — and I couldn't rein him in at the moment. But Noodleton said, ' Pentonville, my dear fellow, what makes you call after that very re- spectable and aristocratic -looking gentleman-^that gentleman, I mean,' he added, ' with the very robust appearance and firm step ' " "Did Lord Noodleton really say that?" cried Mr. Pifpaf, quite delighted at the notice which had been thus taken of him by nobility, all chairman of the Honourable and Independent Club of Luminaries though he were. " Yes — he said all that," continued Captain Pentonville; " and I flat- ter myself, that his lordship is as good a judge of health and good looks as any one I know. His lordship, moreover, expressed his great anxiety to make your acquaintance — and that of your amiable family " " Well, we shall be most happy to see his lordship — shan't we, my dear ? " said Mr. Pifpaf, the latter part of the sentence being a respect- ful appeal to his wife. THE STEAM PACKET. 23 "Certainly, Mr. Pifpaf," returned that lady: "any friend of Mr.— Captain Pentonville's, I mean — will always be welcome here. But there really seems a fatuity about our forming his lordship's acquaint- ance. Captain Pentonville was to have brought him to dine with us that day I wore my orange-coloured — I mean just about last Christ- mas ; and his lordship never came." " Yes, my dear madam," exclaimed the captain ; " but what an ex- cellent excuse — a ministerial question — and the prime minister sent four stout fellows to carry Noodleton by force — 'tis a fact, 'pon my honour — down to the House to give his vote. Noodleton has com- menced an action against the premier — damages a hundred thousand pounds." " And do you think he will get them ? " asked the unsophisticated chairman of the Luminaries. "Why — I really wish he may get them," answered the captain, with amazing emphasis upon the auxiliary verb. "And then," continued Mrs. Pifpaf, "there was the evening when we gave the grand ball, and his lordship promised so faithfully, through the captain, to come. I 'm sure I shouldn't have had the supper laid out by Gunter, if I 'd suspected for a moment that we were going to be disappointed. Well — upon this occasion, also, his lord- ship could not come — I forget why now." " Do you not remember, my dear madam?" cried Captain Pentonville, who did not appear altogether comfortable as Mrs. Pifpaf enu- merated these very extraordinary instances of disappointment: "I recollect that I myself was the bearer of his lordship's apology — an apology which he was quite ashamed to send to people whom he already considered to be his friends in advance. If you remember, there was supposed to be a split in the Cabinet just at that moment; and if ministers had gone out, Noodleton would have immediately been called upon to form a new ministry. He knew that this result would occur — although the country never suspected it ; and so his name was never alluded to, in that respect, in the papers." *' And if he had been prime minister," said Mr. Pifpaf, meekly, for he was very naturally overpowered with the intimacy which he enjoyed with the friend of a man who might have been prime minister of England, — " I suppose he would have done something good for you —eh, Pentonville ? " " Something good ? — ah ! I believe you ] " ejaculated the captain. " I should have been raised to the rank of general on the spot, and made commander-in-chief of the forces. Only think of that ! " he added, glancing triumphantly around him. " Oh ! I can assure you, more 24 THE STEAM PACKET. extraordinary things than that have happened in this world. Look at Thiers — he rose from nothing ; so did Soult — so did Guizot ! " "So they did ! " coincided Mr. Pifpaf : " they rose from nothing — nothing." " And I flatter myself that I am somebody" said the captain, with a complacent smile. " Well, I shall see you a general yet, before I die, I hope," added Mr. Pifpaf, glancing at the same time towards Aramintha, as much as to say, that he hoped also to see her a general's lady. " But — by the by — when I think of it — what regiment did you serve in, Pentonville? " " See me a general before you die ! " exclaimed the captain, who did not appear to have heard the question last put to him. " Why, of course you will, my dear sir. Let me tell you, that your life is just as good as mine — every bit. But, my dear madam, I am afraid so much talking disturbs you — I know how acutely you suffer, and how patiently you bear it all ; and- " " Pray don't think of me, Captain Pentonville," said the lady, with a melancholy smile of thanks for his kind — his humane — his really Christian-like sympathy ; '• my lot is a severe one — but I can sup- port it ! " Mrs. Pifpaf turned her eyes upwards, and fixed them upon a fly on the ceiling, with an angelic expression of resignation and Christian fortitude. There was a short pause, during which Aramintha marked a favourite passage in her Byron with a rose-leaf; Sarah touched a note of the piano ; Belinda leapt over the ottoman ; Mrs. Pifpaf pressed both her hands to her poor head; Mr. Pifpaf fidgetted, because dinner was not announced ; and Captain Pentonville surveyed himself in the mirror. That solemn pause was interrupted by the entrance of another guest, who was expected ; and whom Mr. Pifpaf presented to the captain by the name of Mr. Humm Bugg. Captain Pentonville started slightly when this gentleman was in- troduced to him, and protested that he had never been acquainted with him before, — an assertion which every one present appeared to con- sider quite unnecessary. The captain immediately recovered his self- possession, and took a hasty survey of the person of Mr. Humm Bugg. He was a man of about sixty years of age, with thin white hair, and no whiskers. His eyes were large and staring, and seemed precisely as if they had been boiled. He was short, thin, and bustling. His attire was by no means in unison with the class of society which Mr. Pifpaf might be supposed, and Mrs. Pifpaf wished it to be supposed, that they THE STEAM PACKET. 25 kept, — i. e. the wealthiest citizens of London, and the most aristocratic of the West End. He wore an aged black coat ; his shirt was not remarkably clean ; his lanky neck rose, cameleopard-like, from a very low and tumbled cravat which he fancied to be white ; and his trousers of Oxford mixture, were stretched over a pair of boots much mended, but indifferently blacked. When he raised his arms by accident, the symptoms of darning were very visible, the thread with which the operation had been performed not precisely matching the cloth ; — and when he wanted to blow his nose, he turned aside to extract some queer piece of coloured rag from his pocket, resembling a surgeon's bandage, and which he unrolled and rolled up again as occasion required. Mr. Humm Bugg called himself a critic, and indeed was enter- tained at Mr. Pifpaf's table in the light of a poor literary man. Decayed he was in respect to garments — God knows ! and welcome, most welcome was a dinner now and then to him ; because a man mxist eat sometimes. He certainly "did" the critical notices for a maga- zine, which no one, save himself, the printer, and stationer, ever heard of; but, in revenge, the printer and stationer had most especial good reasons to know all about it, and the work was very disagreeably recalled to their memories as often as they referred to their ledgers. Now and then Mr. Humm Bugg would delude a publisher into some literary speculation ; and on such occasions the publisher found to his cost, that Mr. Humm Bugg did not belie his name. In conclusion, he lived in the neighbourhood of the New Church, Hoxton ; but it might be supposed that he kept a house more for the benefit of sheriffs' officers than his own, as he was seldom without one of those gentlemen making a short stay at his abode. " Delighted to form Mr. Humm Bugg's acquaintance," said Captain Pentonville, when his scrutiny of the outward man of the new guest was completed. " And on my part, delighted to form that of Captain Pentonville," was the courteous return. " An officer in the army, I presume, sir?" " Just so," said the captain, abruptly. '• What regiment, might I inquire ? " proceeded Mr. Bugg, in his most insinuating manner, and in the most dulcet note of a naturally disagreeable voice. '* By the by, while I think of it! " exclaimed the captain, hastily, " are you the gentleman who wrote the Military Memoirs, or Me- morable Martial Men and Manners ?." *' The same — the very same, sir," said Mr. Humm Bugg. " Ah ! 26 THE STEAM PACKET. that was a good work, sir — a very clever work, sir; though I say it who should not say it ! " " I dare say that no one has a better right to say so than yourself, Mr. Humm Bugg," returned the captain. "Delighted with your good opinion, my dear sir !" ejaculated the critic, rubbing his hands. " Faith ! didn't I review it well in my own magazine ! But I will enclose you a copy to-morrow morning !" " I am really very much obliged — " began Captain Pentonville. " Oh ! not at all," said the author ; " it will only be ten shillings and sixpence ! Come — I may as well write out the receipt at once — nothing like business before dinner;" — and, flying to a table, he seized writing materials, scribbled out a receipt for the sum men- tioned, and handed it to the captain ; who, however, paid it with a not over-good grace, as this disbursement left nothing but a four- penny piece in the corner of his pocket, where it lay as forlorn and desolate as the last rose of summer. " Come, come," said Mr. Pifpaf ; c * a truce to business — here is the servant to announce dinner." This was the fact — a most welcome one to the critic it was too. The captain gave his arm to the fair Aramintha ; Mr. Bugg escorted Mrs. Pifpaf; and the papa followed with the volatile and the musical young ladies. The dinner passed off without any incident worthy of relation — save the fear that Mrs. Pifpaf expressed, that her poor head would not allow her to eat a morsel, and then the kindness which her poor head showed her in permitting her to partake most heartily of every dish produced. Mr. Bugg also addressed himself with great zeal to the good things before him — which was not by any means astonishing, as at the moment when he received Mr. Pifpaf's invitation he had not expected to see anything in the shape of a dinner until after the next magazine day. In the evening there was a party, which Miss Aramintha deno- minated a conversazione, Miss Belinda a regular drum, and Miss Sarah a soirie. Be its appellation whatever it might, it was attended by a numerous sprinkle of the most influential members of the Honourable and Independent Club of Luminaries, and by a gay assortment of ladies residing in the vicinity. Mrs. Pifpaf declared to each of her guests, one after another, that she was so disappointed at not having the pleasure of Lord Noodleton's company, as expected ; but, by way of recompense, she was honoured with the company of Alderman Clobbs and Mr. Under-Sheriff Biggs; and she therefore had no reason to regret the heavy expense which she had incurred, on this occasion, in providing a good supper. The evening passed away THE STEAM PACKET. 27 happily enough ; and all present were well pleased. Mr. Pifpaf was enabled to drink as much wine as he chose, without being kept in awe by his wife ; — Mrs. Pifpaf had a considerable variety of persons to whom she could talk about her poor head ; — Miss Aramintha was called upon to recite a little poem which she had composed upon " The late attempt to assassinate a chimney-sweeper on Tower Hill ; " — Miss Belinda succeeded in seducing a young lady in her teens to accompany her to the breakfast parlour, where they had a fine game of romps together; — Miss Sarah was much complimented upon her musical proficiency; — and the guests were provided with excellent things in the shape of eatables and drinkables. CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH THE CHARACTER OF CAPTAIN PENTONVILLE STILL FARTHER DEVELOPS ITSELF. A fortnight after the dinner-party, Captain Pentonville was sitting in his own apartment, smoking a cigar at the open window. This apart- ment was ten feet long, by eight wide, and had an angular roof, inas- much as it was just beneath the tilings. Captain Pentonville had resided in the same house for about three years. He found it con- venient, because the neighbourhood (Spitalfields) was retired, and free from the frequent chances of invasion on the part of those modern Goths whom the sheriffs of counties take into their service ; and he had, moreover, created a little credit at the chandler's shop at the corner of the street, and at the public-house over the way, which was remarkably useful on occasions when his funds were short. As he was seldom at home, he contented himself with an humble (although an exalted) portion of the house ; and the landlady's son — a young man about two-and-twenty— cleaned his boots, brushed his clothes, and " did his errands." Captain Pentonville dined at home upon the present occasion, because he had to make his little preparations for the aquatic trip, which was to commence next morning. The committee had settled all preliminaries; the steam-packet was engaged; the cards were disposed of; and the whole arrangements had been satisfactorily completed. The captain returned home at three, partook of a mutton-chop, sent to the public-house for a pint of rum, drew forth his cigar-case, and settled himself in a comfortable position at the 28 THE STEAM PACKET. window aforesaid. Not that the window commanded any particularly fine prospect — unless a back view of Truman and Hanbury's Brewery may be so denominated ; but somehow or another one always does seek the window, in the summer-time, when one is smoking a cigar. And while the pale blue smoke curls upwards, imagination fre- quently plays a truant part, roving wildly amongst those scenes whither reality never could penetrate. So was it with Captain Pen- tonville. His musings were long and varied; and it may not be amiss to make the reader acquainted with a portion of them. " Well, here I am on the eve of a trip for which I am but indiffer- ently well provided," said the captain within himself; — " a trip that will cost me at least fifty pounds, and towards which I have not fifty shillings. Never mind — I never had a shilling of my own, that I recollect — and somehow or another I have always managed to knock on tolerably well. I suppose that my good fortune is not going to desert me just as Aramintha and her five thousand pounds certain, with as much more in perspective, are in my grasp. ' Faint heart never won a fair lady ;' and all is fair in love and war, they say — Je ne connois que cela. But papa Pifpaf must stand Moses for me on this trip ; — if he don't, hang me if I know who will ! Old Pifpaf must — cela va sans dire. There ! " he exclaimed, suddenly starting from his reverie, as a certain sound of vocal harmony broke upon his ears from the opposite garret, — " as I live, those accursed tailors are going to begin their songs again : I am, in reality, growing weary of this life of melody. I do not like these airs. I am assassinated by music. These trials are enough to convert a man into a swan — a goose would be a more technical expression — and make him sing his death-song. No doubt these tailors are all very honest men; and their actions are generally performed above-board. Sed hinc illce lachrymce. They have stentorian lungs; and there is not a song, from ' We won't go home till morning,' to ' The dog's-meat-man,' that they are not thoroughly masters of; and I am obliged to become the unwilling learner of that mass of music. But, let me see, where was I ? Oh ! Pifpaf must pay for me — that's settled. I must get the day named during the voyage — that is settled too ; and I must have the marriage celebrated the moment we return — that's settled." " Please, sir, here's the hatter a-vaitin', and would esteem it a wery great faviour if you'd be so obleeging as to likidate his 'count," said a middle-sized, shrewd-looking youth of two-and-twenty, who suddenly entered the room. " Oh ! then that is not settled," observed the captain, continuing the same species of phraseology which he had used in his reverie. THE STEAM PACKET. 29 " Chap's a-vaitin', sir," said the young man, leaning himself with perfect nonchalance against the door-post. " Well, Tom, you must tell him, Tom, that he must call again — let me see, when shall I say ? — why — whenever he likes, Tom," observed the captain in measured tones. "That's rayther too unsaytisfactory, sir," returned the young man, not offering to move. " Think o' summut that won't look so much like gammon, if you can, sir. My grandfather was choked vith bacon von day, and I 've been afeard of it ever since." "Mr. Thomas Gibbins," said Captain Pentonville, solemnly, "I have not admitted you to such familiarity with me as to warrant you to make use of this very incorrect language. Have the kindness to dismiss the hatter ; and then please to return, as I wish to commune with you upon a certain subject. Ito, carnifex! " Mr. Thomas Gibbins nodded an assent to these commands ; and, having fulfilled his master's mission with the hatter, once more ascended to that gentleman's garret. " Sit down, Tom," said Captain Pentonville, in a patronising manner. , " Thank'ee, sir, I'll take a cheer," returned Mr. Gibbins. " Will you smoke a cigar, Tom ? " continued the captain, pushing the cigar-case towards him. " Since you're so pressin', sir, I won't refuse," said Tom ; and he began to " blow a cloud " accordingly. " And help yourself to some grog, Tom," added the captain. " I haven't another tumbler — so, unless you like to run down stairs and borrow one of your mother's, you must mix for yourself in that black- ing-bottle — it is clean." " I ain't partickler, sir," said Mr. Gibbins — nor was he indeed ; for it seemed quite indifferent to him if the spirit predominated over the water in his punch ; — so, as soon as he was comfortably settled, he turned towards the captain, and observed, " Veil, sir, wot's the natur of the communion vich you vishes to have vith me ?" ': A most important matter, Tom— an affair involving a considerable change in your condition," said the captain. " In a word, Mr. Thomas Gibbins, I am going to be married to a most amiable and wealthy young lady, — and I want a servant — a livery-servant, mind — to accom- pany me in a little trip of a week or two, which I am about to undertake with my intended and her family." " I 'm your man, sir," cried Tom. " Any livery prepared ? " " Not yet, Tom," answered the captain ; *' but we will see about it directly. Then, as for wages " 30 THE STEAM PACKET. "Nothink a-year, paid quarterly, 'spose?" interrupted the young man. - No jokes at my expense, if you please," said the captain re- provingly. "All familiarity ceases between us from the moment you take the last drop of that grog, and smoke the last whiff of that cigar. Are you agreeable to serve me? " " Quite,'' was the reply. " But your mother ? " said Captain Pentonville, inquiringly. " Will be blessed glad to get rid of me," observed Tom Gibbins, laconically. '* Go down and desire the respectable lady to come up." Mr. Gibbins obeyed this mandate, and speedily returned with his mother, who had just extracted her arms from a huge pail of suds in which she was washing the captain's linen. " Mrs. Gibbins, I am anxious to provide for your son ; and an opportunity now presents itself. I am going to be married to a wealthy and accomplished lady, and require a livery-servant. Ecce homo / " " Veil, sir, I'm wery much obleeged to you for your kind intentions," said the good woman, fidgetting with one corner of her apron. " I 've reared him up as veil as my poor means has allowed me ; and bein' now a lone vidder, vith thirteen on 'em to purvide for — and he's as like his blessed father as he veil can be," she added, wiping her eyes with the apron. " His father was a wery good husband to me, although he did spend the best part of his time in the public — for he was the glory of the parlour, he was. Lord, I thinks I see him now — coming reeling in, so tipsy he couldn't see, and ready to turn the house out o' the vindy. Oh ! he was a wery great loss to me— a wery great loss ! But God is good to us — wery good, sir: he has sent us good lodgers — who alvays does pay reglar — 'cos I never lets the rent akkumilate — it's a bad habit. But, if so be, sir, you chooses to take Tummas there, and make him a good boy — for he has but two faults that I knows on, sir " "And wot's them, mother ? " demanded the young man, with a comical leer. " Oh ! I'll speak it 'afore his face, or behind his back," continued Mrs. Gibbins ; " he's a good son to me, only he has them two faults which p'raps you can correct, sir. Fust, sir, he's sich a liar there ain't no believin' a vord he says ; and next, sir, if there is a drop of lush to be got at, he '11 have it, sir. There's no mistake about that. He takes after his dear blessed father wot's gone, sir ! " And here the widow wiped her eyes once more. THE STEAM PACKET. 33 /, THE STEAM PACKET. 33 *' I wasn't aweer, sir, that I 'd insinivated anythin' at all relative to that there partickler subject," answered Tom doggedly. " Oh ! I recollect — you forgot to answer my question," continued Mr. Pifpaf, still turning the letter over and over in his hand. " I asked you where Captain Pentonville resides." "Ah! he's a wery nice man, sir — a wery nice man," said Tom, shaking his head solemnly : " there ain't a nicer gen'leman as walks on two legs in all London." " I know he is — a very nice gentleman — an excellent gentleman," said Mr. Pifpaf. " But his residence, my good fellow — his abode ? I must know that, in order to make a little memorandum — merely a matter of form " "Wery good, sir; I '11 tell master what you pleased to say, sir," observed Tom. " What street is his residence in ?" inquired Mr. Pifpaf point-blank. " Jist over there — not wery far off in that there direction," replied Mr. Gibbins, describing with his right arm an arc which embraced half the points in the compass, and left Mr. Pifpaf in a complete state of ignorance as to the whereabout of the captain. " Yes — but the name of the street ? " said the chairman of the Luminaries. " I 'm raly a wery bad hand at names, sir," answered Tom. " Some- times I actiwally forgets my own — unless any body says, ' Tom, here 's a shilling for ye.' " " Well, Tom, go into the tap-room and get a pint of beer : you can wait a few minutes until my return. I must just step home ; but I shan't keep you waiting long ; " — and Mr. Pifpaf, who did not like to press the question concerning the captain's abode any farther, and who imagined that Mr. Thomas Gibbins was a most incomprehensible young man, repaired to his own residence. He there took the sum of eighty pounds, in bank notes, from his strong-box, enclosed them in a piece of paper, addressed the letter to Captain Pentonville, and then returned to the public-house. But as he was retracing his steps towards the Musical Bee, an in- definable sentiment of curiosity prompted him to take that opportunity of obtaining an introduction to Lord Noodleton. Not that he sus- pected the captain's story for one moment ; — but he was actuated by one of those impulses which even great men like himself are sometimes constrained to obey. He chuckled within himself at the resolution which he now adopted, and thought " how surprised Pentonville would be to see him." He, however, preserved a serious countenance as he gave the letter to Tom Gibbins, accompanied with a shilling for 34 THE STEAM PACKET. himself. He then affected to return into the parlour ; but the moment Mr. Gibbins had left the public-house, the cunning chairman of the Luminaries hastened to follow him at a cautious distance. Now it happened that Mr. Thomas Gibbins pursued his way with extreme independence and nonchalance, looking neither to the right nor to the left, and never condescending to glance behind him. His four-and-ninepenny gossamer, considerably the worse for wear, was stuck over his right ear ; his hands were thrust down to the very pro- fundities of his trousers' pockets ; and his legs swung about as he walked, as if they had been newly greased in all their joints. It was therefore fortunate for the plan of Mr. Pifpaf that Mr. Gibbins did not look behind him, although the respected chairman of the Lumin- aries was certainly ready at any moment to dart under an archway, or rush up an alley, in order to secure the success of his playful design by a temporary concealment. No such eclipse was, however, rendered necessary ; and in process of time Mr. Pifpaf beheld Mr. Gibbins turn into a house of very shabby and dilapidated appearance, in the street at the back of Truman, Hanbury, and Buxton's brewery. While Mr. Pifpaf stood ruminating in the street, whether he should beat up the captain's quarters or not, Mr. Gibbins ascended the stairs, and speedily introduced himself into his master's presence. " Well, what news ? " said the captain, anxiously surveying the countenance of his domestic. " Nothin' wery remarkable, sir," replied Tom. " Saint Paul's ain't blowed avay ; and the Bank of England ain't a-goin' through the Insolvents' Court. Here 's the answer." The captain hastily tore open the paper, and his visual rays were immediately concentrated in the pleasing focus formed by the word tfiltjg, upon one note, and Cljtrtg upon another. " There 's enough for all my expenses now," said the captain. " And the livery, sir ? " observed Tom, inquiringly. '• Apropos /" ejaculated the captain. " Tell that canary-bird of a tailor in the opposite room, that Captain Augustus Pentonville wishes to speak to him immediately. But stay one moment! What did Pifpaf say?" «' He weren't at home ven I called," answered Tom; " but I found him surrounded with baccy smoke in the parlour o' the Musical Vasp, or wotever the sign be ; and he guv me a pint o' fourpenny ale. He then vent home, and returned with that there little dispatch ; and I vish for your sake 'twas a Veekly Dispatch." " Did he ask you where I lived?" demanded the captain, with a grim smile. TflE STEAM PACKET. 35 *' He sucked at me like bricks and mortar," answered Mr. Gibbins ; *' leeches ain't nothin' at all to it! " ** But you kept close?" said the captain, anxiously. *' Down as the knocker at Newgate, sir. Them was your instruc- tions." " Well and good. Now go and get change for this thirty pounder; they '11 give you small shot for it at the public-house," cried the captain. " Von't they rek-vire your sign manival at the back on it?" de- manded the cautious and far-seeing Mr. Gibbins. " Of course," responded the captain ; and the endorsement was given accordingly. *• Now, then — tell the tailor to come to me, and be off to change the money." Mr. Gibbins departed, and the tailor shortly made his appear- ance. Now, a tailor is a man to whom such gentlemen as Captain Pentonville frequently entertain a great aversion — especially at the commencement of term-time, when, if their accounts have run a long time, they have no alternative but to follow their accounts' example. The tailor, who now entered the captain's apartment, was a bit of a buck in his way, although he only rented a garret ; but these same men are elevated very high at times by their professional exertions. Mr. Buckram was one of this species. He was, more- over, young, tall, not bad looking, and had a dash of assumption and rakish indifference about him, which, in certain quarters, may very well pass off for the easy manners of the gentleman. He possessed very white teeth — looked out of a pair of large hazel optics — was the undisputed proprietor of a luxuriant head of hair — and sported a handsome watch and chain which he had procured at a shop round the corner, where " weekly payments" were taken, — although, in his peculiar case, we are afraid that no payments were taken at all. "Sit down, Mr. Buckram," said the captain; "take a cigar, Mr. Buckram — help yourself to some grog, Mr. Buckram. I have sent for you," he continued, when all these suggestions were fully complied with ; " I have sent for you to ascertain whether your commissariat department would enable you to supply my man-servant, Thomas Gib- bins, with a complete suit of livery — nice genteel livery — at a moment's notice — cash down upon the nail." " My entire commissariat department, in reference to such-like clothing," replied the tailor, " consists of a pair of black pantaloons, into which I have just been putting a blue seat, and a chocolate- coloured coat with black 'patches at the elbows. Those are all the garments I have for sale in my bezestein." »2 36 THE STEAM PACKET. "What is to be done? I am extremely anxious that my servant should accompany me to-morrow morning upon a little excursion," said the captain. " It is awkward— very awkward ! " " Not so awkward as you imagine," said the tailor, complacently. " Are there any means of supplying the desideratum ? " demanded the captain. " Ample," was the reply. " Will you accompany me to a certain ready-made clothes shop, with the proprietor of which I am acquainted — just upon speaking-terms, that's all — and I will see you accom- modated ? Then, should any alterations be required, I shall be most happy to effect the same." As Tom Gibbins entered at this moment with the change for the thirty pound note, Captain Pentonville had nothing to retain him at home ; and he accordingly agreed to accompany Mr. Buckram — Tom receiving orders to follow them. In the meantime, Mr. Pifpaf had been loitering about the street, uncertain whether to break upon the captain's retirement or not. Once or twice he was about to knock at the door ; but the natural timidity of this great man's disposition held him back. At length he saw Tom Gibbins suddenly issue forth, and repair to the public- house opposite. Mr. Pifpaf bolted up an alley leading to the private boxes of a pawnbroker's shop, and came in violent contact with a gentleman who was just issuing from one of those convenient little recesses. " Well, now — -stupid! " cried the gentleman ; " can't you see " " God bless me ! " exclaimed Mr. Pifpaf, to whose ears this voice was quite familiar. " What — no — it can't be — Mr. Bumtutch, the secretary of the Honourable and Independent Club of Luminaries ? " " Damn the Luminaries ! " cried Mr. Bumtutch, with most extraor- dinary abruptness ; and, pushing rudely by the chairman of the society which he thus impolitely anathematised, the secretary made his escape from the narrow passage, with a huge bundle under his left arm, and a pair of Wellington boots in his right hand. " yery extraordinary this — very extraordinary ! " said Mr. Pifpaf to himself: "and yet I could swear that it was Bumtutch." Thus musing, the chairman of the Luminaries retraced his steps to the entrance of the alley, from which he peeped cautiously into the street. At that moment Tom Gibbins was returning from the public- house with the change ; and as soon as he had entered the house once more, Mr. Pifpaf emerged from his hiding-place, uncertain what step to pursue. In another minute, however, he mustered up his courage, and gave a redundant knock at the front door. The front door opened THE STEAM PACKET. 37 immediately ; and Mr. Pifpaf found himself face to face with Captain Pentonville and Mr. Buckram. " My dear sir, how are you?" cried the captain, almost instanta- neously recovering his presence of mind. " Delighted to see you! Will you walk up into the drawing-room, and have a bottle of cham- pagne, or just step over with us to the public-house and take a drop of something short ? " " I really have to apologise for this intrusion," said Mr. Pifpaf, fumbling about with his button-hole ; " but I was passing this way, and I accidentally saw your man enter the house " " Yes ; this is my abode," interrupted the captain, passing his arm through Mr. Pifpaf's on the one side, and Mr. Buckram's on the other ; " merely a bachelor's residence, you know ;" — and as he uttered these words, he dragged his companions hastily down the steps. " I only just called to say — that is to hope, I mean — just to see whether what I had the pleasure of sending you just now was enough for your purposes," said Mr. Pifpaf, stammering and hesitating very much, because he was fully aware that some explanation was required, and he felt conscious that he was offering a very lame one. " Oh ! quite enough, thank you," cried the captain. " But — " and he stopped short in the street, as he uttered this monosyllable. "Lord Noodleton, I presume?" said Mr. Pifpaf: he had been glancing slyly several times towards the tailor, and now looked directly but timidly in his face. "Yes — yes, indeed!" exclaimed the captain, for a moment taken aback ; then immediately afterwards recovering his wonted calmness, he squeezed Buckram's arm, as much as to tell him to enter into the joke, and added unceremoniously : " My Lord, allow me the pleasure to introduce Mr. Pifpaf to you — the celebrated Mr. Pifpaf, of whom you and I have so often spoken together — the renowned chairman, in a word, of the Honourable and Independent Club of Luminaries." " Oh ! indeed — is this Mr. Pifpaf?" cried Buckram, apeing aristo- cratic superiority as well as he could. " Delighted to form your acquaintance, Mr. Pifpaf. What shall we take, Mr. Pifpaf?" This question was accompanied with a glance towards the public- house. The chairman of the Luminaries made a most obsequious bow, expressive of the deep sense he entertained of the honour of this introduction ; and then modestly replied, that he should have great pleasure in drinking his lordship's health in champagne, if any could be had in the neighbourhood. "That I'll swear there is not — as sure as I'm a tai — a nobleman !" ejaculated Mr. Buckram. 38 THE STEAM PACKET. " Really, my lord," said Pentonville, squeezing his companion's arm to impress the necessity of caution upon him, " you and I must not delay in the little business which we have in hand ; and " "But since Mr. Pifpaf is determined to stand something slap," remonstrated the tailor j " and as I am so truly pleased to form the acquaintance of a man of whom the Prime Minister was speaking to me — confidentially, you know — a few days ago " " My dear Captain Pentonville, you must really allow me to improve the acquaintance which I have now the honour to enjoy with his lord- ship," cried the enraptured Mr. Pifpaf, whose altitude had increased one inch and seven eighths since the mention of his own name in conjunc- tion with that of the Prime Minister ; " so, if I am not intruding upon you, I will venture to accompany you a little way— unless, indeed, you will honour me by supping with me at my " " As for that," began the tailor, " we shall " " We are really engaged — very particularly engaged for the present, my dear sir," hastily interposed the captain. " Noodleton, my dear fellow, you know that our business is urgent " " Well, I shan't interfere with you, then," said Mr. Pifpaf, good- humouredly ; " but I must insist upon our drinking a glass together before we part. Old English hospitality is what I like. Pray, my lord, since champagne, it appears, cannot be had in this neighbour- hood, what would your lordship condescend to drink?" " Humble port or sherry will do at a pinch," said Mr. Buckram. " Yes — and at any other time, too," whispered Pentonville, " seeing that you seldom get anything better than beer or gin. However," he added, in the same subdued tone, " humour the old chap for half an hour, if you will ; and then let 's get rid of him. I will indemnify you for the supper you will lose by not accepting his invitation." " Well, Mr. Pifpaf," said the soi-disant lord, caressing his chin with a truly aristocratic air, " suppose we do adjourn to some respectable public — but not this one ; it doesn't look the thing/' " Nor more it does," said Mr. Pifpaf; but he did not precisely understand why the public-house (laconically denominated in familiar language "a public") in question was " not the thing ; " nor did he even know what qualifications did render such an establishment '* the thing," He acquiesced with "his lordship" upon the same system which would have induced him to assent to the proposition that white was black, or blaok white, if emanating from the lips of the Earl of Noodleton. We can, however, inform our readers wherefore, in Mr. Buckram's estimation, the public-house opposite Captain Pentonville's dwelling was " not the thing." In the first place, Mr. Buckram was THE STEAM PACKET. 39 known there, and the waiter, or else some " vulgar fellow " in the par- lour would have heen certain to address him by name — perhaps even with undue familiarity — so that the title of " lordship " would have been damaged in Mr. Pifpaf 's opinion ;— secondly, Mr. Buckram had estab- lished a perfect little addition-table of chalk figures behind the bar- door ; — and, thirdly, he knew another house of public entertainment where he himself was not known, but where, to use his own most expressive and truly aristocratic phrase, " they sold excellent lush." To this establishment, therefore, did the party repair ; and, while Tom Gibbins was directed to regale himself in the tap-room, the three gen- tlemen proceeded to drink wine in the parlour, Mr. Pifpaf having been particularly warned not to allow the high rank of his aristocratic com- panion to ooze out before any " low" or " unwashed fellows." " Has your lord — have you heard of our intended trip — the grand annual excursion of the Honourable and Independent Order of Lumin- aries?" inquired Mr. Pifpaf, as he sipped his third glass of sherry. ** Yes ; I have heard something about it," answered Mr. Buckram: " a dinner at Highbury Barn, or Hornsey Wood Tavern, or some- thing of that kind— isn't it?" " Oh ! no — no," said Mr. Pifpaf, in a gentle tone of reproof; " the Club, my — I mean, sir, does things better than that. This year we of the Luminaries have our six weeks' excursion by water, in a regular out-and-out Steam-Packet. Indeed, we embark to-morrow morning." " How I envy you ! " cried the soi-disant nobleman. " What a delightful party it will be ! " " And what is there to hinder your lord — I mean, what prevents you from accompanying us?" asked Mr. Pifpaf, emboldened by the wine which he was drinking. " Why, the truth is, my dear fellow," answered Mr. Buckram, growing familiar with the inspiration of the generous fluid, " I have got a pair of double-milled kerseymeres to finish by next Saturday ; and " " My lord ! " said Mr. Pifpaf, in unutterable surprise at what he had just heard. " A technical term prevalent in the House of Lords, my dear sir," hastily interposed Captain Pentonville. " It means that a Bill will be considered upon a certain day — you understand, eh ? " " Of course," said Mr. Pifpaf; "how dull I was ! But surely your lord — you might indulge in a few weeks' pleasure ; and if your lordship — (there, it 's out now, I can't help it), — but if your lordship will honour me by becoming my guest on the occasion — — " " What ! and come without ceremony, without equipage, without 40 THE STEAM PACKET. servants, or any kind of incumbrance ! " ejaculated Mr. Buckram, delighted with this idea, and totally heedless of the admonitory kicks which Captain Pentonville gave him under the table ; for this pro- posed arrangement by no means suited the plans of that gallant officer. "All that is exactly what I mean ! " cried Mr. Pifpaf. " Aramintha will be delighted — Belinda will leap over the moon — and Sarah will welcome you with her most select airs. Even Mrs. Pifpaf herself will be in a good humour." " I accept your generous offer, Pifpaf," exclaimed the self-styled nobleman; "and I shall be delighted to make myself agreeable to Adelinda, Berenice, and Susannah; so give us your hand upon it, old fellow, and my love to the girls when you get home ! " Hands were accordingly shaken, and the supposititious nobleman and the ex-pork-butcher suddenly became as intimate as good wine could render them. Captain Pentonville was astounded ; he now per- ceived the extent of his folly in allowing the tailor to assume the noble- man ; but it was too late to retreat. He, however, essayed to avert a proceeding which by no means pleased him, nor seemed to dovetail with his own arrangements. " But, my dear Noodleton, only reflect," said the captain, bestow- ing a kick of most significant violence upon the tailor ; " how can you possibly abandon your political duties at such a crisis ? " " Deuce take the duties ! " was the laconic answer. " And the chance of becoming Prime Minister ? " continued the captain, with a smile. " May go to the devil, too ! " rejoined the obstinate tailor. " But your law-suit against the Premier ? " added the captain, coaxingly. " I don't care a rap for it!" cried the unpersuadable snip. " Then you may go and — and enjoy yourself as much as possible," ejaculated the captain, the latter portion of the sentence varying some- what from the manner in which he had at first intended to terminate it. " I am sure to enjoy myself in your society, my dear Pentonville," said the soi-disant nobleman, in a tone which had an under-current of irony in it that was, however, only perceptible to the captain. " And will you terminate that little business with me this evening ? " demanded Pentonville, also in a voice which conveyed a double mean- ing, intelligible only to one beside himself; for he wished to convince the upstart tailor that certain terms should be kept between them, or he himself would be the first to expose the entire deceit. " Oh ! certainly, my dear fellow," cried Buckram, rising ; " I am ready to accompany you now." Then turning to Mr. Pifpaf, he THE STEAM PACKET. 41 arranged with him, in a few words, the hour and place of meeting for the following morning. Mr. Pifpaf now took leave of the two gentlemen; and the latter proceeded towards the shop to which the tailor had already alluded, Mr. Gibbins following in the rear. It would be useless to detail at length the conversation which passed between Captain Pentonville and Mr. Buckram upon this occasion. We shall, however, observe that, as the latter was bent upon accepting Mr. Pifpaf's invitation, certain conditions were amicably settled be- tween them. According to those terms, Tom Gibbins was instructed how he was in future to denominate the tailor ; — secondly, Captain Pentonville advanced the said tailor the sum of ten pounds to purchase and stock a portmanteau ; — thirdly, the said tailor agreed not to inter- fere with Captain Pentonville in his love affair with Aramintha ; — and fourthly, Captain Pentonville consented to support the said tailor's assumed rank to the utmost of his power. Under these auspicious circumstances, the livery was procured for Mr. Thomas Gibbins ; and the great events of the steam excursion were anxiously awaited by all parties interested in them. CHAPTER V. IN WHICH THE PIFPAF FAMILY ARE AT LENGTH GRATIFIED BY THE FORMATION OF AN ACQUAINTANCE WHICH THEY DEEM EMINENTLY ARISTOCRATIC. THE STEAM EXCURSION COMMENCES. At eight o'clock on the memorable morning of the 3d of June, 1840, Mr. Buckram and Captain Pentonville emerged from a hackney-coach at the door of Mr. Pifpaf's hospitable dwel- ling ; and they were forthwith intro- duced into the breakfast-room, while Tom Gibbins deposited their luggage in the hall. The soi-disant noble- man entered the room with an awful swagger, which passed current as a debonair and jaunty gait; and he ogled the young ladies, when intro- duced to them, in a manner which was highly flattering when charac- teristic of aristocratic condescension; but which, in connexion with 42 THE STEAM PACKET. a known plebeian, would have subjected the new-comer to a some- what dispiriting reception. Miss Aramintha endeavoured to look like one of Byron's beauties ;— Belinda longed to — but dared not — cut a pirouette ; — Sarah played the piano upon the edge of the table with her fingers ; and Mrs. Pifpaf absolutely and really forgot all about her " poor head " for a few minutes. " This is an honour, my lord, which we have long expected," said the lady of the house, with a most fascinating simper. " I have really been very much to blame — very much," returned Buckram, " for not having done myself the pleasure of calling before; but, somehow or another, there was always something to prevent me — pressing appointments during the day, — free-and-easies — I mean the business of the House in the evening, — and then those cursed Satur- day evenings, when one expects his breeches — another his coat — another " " Parliamentary technicalities, ladies," ejaculated the captain, who was now constantly upon the alert to correct any errors into which his friend might fall ; " merely parliamentary phrases— common in the House — are they not, Noodleton ? " "Yes — as the goose itself," answered the tailor, who could not entirely shake off " the shop." " The goose means the Lord Chancellor, ladies," said Captain Pen- tonville : " my friend Noodleton is full of parliamentary sayings and synonymes." " Well — to breakfast — to breakfast ! " exclaimed Mr. Pifpaf. " It is now nearly half-past eight, and we must be at the wharf by ten. My lord, perhaps you will condescend to partake of our humble fare?" " Humble, indeed !." cried the tailor. " I fancy, my good friend Pifpaf, that you citizens know how to live as well as we aristocrats at the West End. But I told you that I should come in a humble way — incognito, as it were — without carriages — without horses — without servants, — indeed, without incumbrances of any kind." Mr. Buckram was not far wrong when he thus alluded to his pre- sent condition. His portmanteau contained twelve calico shirts, with linen bosoms, at three and sixpence each ; eighteen false collars, at ninepence a-piece ; six pocket-handkerchiefs, of different patterns, because they were purchased in Petticoat Lane, Whitechapel, at fifteen pence each ; a change of clothes, shaving materials, &c. ; — and his pocket contained a floating capital of five guineas. In addition to this property, he possessed an amazing stock of impudence ; and with such qualifications as these now enumerated, Mr. Buckram felt THE STEAM PACKET. 43 perfectly well convinced that an intelligent, well-looking young man could not do otherwise than push his way in the world. " Well, girls, have you got every thing ready ? " said Mr. Pifpaf, as he buttered his roll : " we must have no delay, you know, at the last moment." " Dear me ! now you mention it, papa, I really forgot my Byron I " exclaimed Aramintha. " I would not have left it behind me for worlds ! " "Are you particularly fond of Byron?" inquired Buckram, with a most amiable smile. " Oh ! passionately — devoted ! " answered Miss Pifpaf. " Does your lordship like Byron ? " " Yes — pretty well — pretty well ; — much better than a poke in the eye with a fork," was the gracious and graceful reply. " And I forgot my skipping-rope ! " said Belinda. " Dear papa, shall I be able to romp about on the deck when we are out at sea ?" " Oh ! yes — if you ain't sick," replied Mr. Pifpaf. " My daughter Belinda, my lord, is a most incorrigible romp ! " " So full of spirits," added Captain Pentonville. " Ah ! I see ! — life and animation itself ! " ejaculated Mr. Buckram. " Well, I am fond of that kind of disposition, for my part. You and I, Miss Batilda " " Belinda is her name, my lord," said Mrs. Pifpaf, meekly correct- ing her guest. " I beg Miss Belinda's pardon f But, as I was saying, Miss Belinda and myself must play at hide-and-seek together in the state cabin, on rainy days." " Oh, my lord ! " cried Belinda, with amiable archness — or arch- ness that was meant to be amiable — whichever the reader chooses. " I wonder whether I have put the last new music, that I received from Paris, in my band-box ? " was the speculation which her father's former observation now extracted from the lips of Miss Sarah Pifpaf. " Yes — that I am sure you did, my dear," said Mrs. Pifpaf. " I presume you are devoted to music ? " observed Buckram. ** Every one of Parisian education is so, my lord," was the modest reply. " Miss Sarah is quite a proficient in that divine art," said Captain Pentonville. '•By the by, what regiment were you in?" demanded the tailor r unaware that there was any indiscretion in the question. " I wonder whether my man knows at what hour we start ? " ejacu- lated the captain, bolting from his chair as a chestnut suddenly 44 THE STEAM PACKET. bounds from a shovel placed over a fire : " excuse me for one moment — I will just ascertain this point." He accordingly hurried into the hall, and gave some directions to his domestic, who was embellished with a gorgeous suit of livery, and who looked like the second edition of a book, " revised, corrected, and considerably improved." It is not our intention to dwell upon the particulars which engrossed the hour previous to the departure for the wharf at London Bridge. There was much running backwards and forwards, up and down, and to and fro, throughout the house : — the cook couldn't find any mus- tard for the sandwiches ; the maid couldn't wait upon four ladies all at once ; and the cat couldn't find a corner wherein she might pick in tranquillity the wing of a chicken which she had stolen from the break- fast table. Mr. Pifpaf went up to the top story, ''to see all safe," and then came down again, not a whit more sapient than before; — Mrs. Pifpaf bustled about in all directions, under the impression that she was wanted every where, whereas she was required nowhere ; — and the daughters found, as most ladies do under similar circumstances, that they had done wrong to leave almost every thing until the last minute. At length the preliminaries were completed : — the baggage was des- patched, under Tom Gibbins's care, to the wharf, on a truck ; — Lord Noodleton (so supposed) gave his arm to Miss Belinda ; the captain took Miss Aramintha under his care ; Mr. Pifpaf, with his wife and youngest daughter, followed ; the maid-servant closed the rear; — and in this manner did the cavalcade proceed to the London Bridge wharf. The weather was superb. The sun shone upon the bosom of the stream, which, as well as its banks, was swarming with life. London Bridge was crowded with passengers and vehicles ; and over the parapet, looking down the river, were hundreds of faces turned towards the point of departure for the Margate and Ramsgate steam- vessels. London has no one feature of architectural magnificence by which she is so conspicuously distinguished amidst all the mighty capitals of the world, as her bridges. She is almost destitute of fine public buildings, and entirely deficient in great sites; but still her continental rivals have no structures to compare with the gigantic arms which she flings across old Thames, to link together those por- tions of her mighty whole which its waters have divided in vain. The splendid views of the " multitudinous " metropolis, which are obtained from her bridges, will give the spectator a notion of the striking pro- spects that would be opened up, if a line of broad and stately quays, like those of Paris, were pushed along the two shores of her magni- ficent river. No city in the world would have a grander site than THE STEAM PACKET. 45 would thus be achieved : as it is, the glory of the great stream is ob. scured, if not altogether shut out, by the miserable or dirty tenements hanging over its banks, and often sinking perpendicularly down into the water itself. Oh ! what a grand prospect, we say, would be opened, were those buildings cleared away, and quays built as pro- posed. The cathedrals of the east and west, Saint Paul and Saint Peter — the marts of commerce, and the sails that waft it through the world — the temples of learning and of the law — the hospitals of the sick, and the palaces of kings — the old historic sites, and the records of modern magnificence — the saloon of pleasure, and the fortalice of power — the monuments of princes, the mansions of nobles, and the workshops of the poor ; — these would all meet together, and bring the varied morals of the great city into one focus, at the same time that they brought all its abodes into a common point of view. There is something peculiarly exhilarating in gazing upon the busy scene just below London Bridge, upon a day when the heaven is clear and beautiful above, and the sun tinges pinnacle, steeple, and spire with its golden rays, — when its light is reflected in the dancing stream, — and the smoke of the steamers rises almost perpendicularly into the tranquil air. The old buildings themselves — so gloomy on a clouded day — which overhang the river, seem to partake in the joyousness of the surrounding scene, even as, in the animated world, old age smiles be- neath the resplendent sunshine. Here and there are white sails spread, amidst that forest of masts which extends down the pool as far as the eye can reach ; gay streamers hang almost motionless ; and the rays of the central orb of light glitter upon the gilded figure-heads and orna- ments of the myriads of steam-vessels which dart up and down the river. To the spectator upon London Bridge it appears almost mar- vellous how the larger ones of this description of ship can thread their way through the mazes of floating habitations so densely collected upon the bosom of the Thames ; but the steersman stands calmly at the helm, and neither wonders nor experiences alarm, as he performs the delicate task of guiding the vessel entrusted to him through that intricate labyrinth. At times the fears of the spectator are most acutely excited, when a barge, deep in the water with the weight of merchandise, enters the swell occasioned by the huge paddle-wheels of the monsters of the river ; or when a frail wherry, with only an inch of gunwale at its stern above the surface of the water, suddenly finds itself tossing in obedience to the same influence. All — all is life, animation, and bustle upon that portion of the river; and the mighty moral which the multitude of assembled ships teaches the beholder, is the secret of England's greatness ! 46 THE STEAM PACKET. Britain, on her island throne, by means of her ships that plough the radii of her communications with all the points of the earth's circum- ference, is the centre of the world ; — and London, as the common reservoir into which the streams of intelligence, taken up at all her coasts, are poured, is the centre of Britain. Yes — London is the heart of the intellectual universe of Britain, upon which are directed all the streams of thought that keep up the harmony and connexion of its social action ; and whence they are re-issued, along its complex chan- nels, to play in unison the thousand pulses of the moral world. Espe- cially do all mortal passions and all mortal interests mingle in the tide which daily pours its human waves along the pathways of London Bridge ; and confounded, as they are, in one great and ever-agitated current, they are still to he separated and singled out, and studied in detail. Linking, as it does, the great commercial districts of London, that bridge echoes to the tread of those whose hearts beat with a thou- sand conflicting emotions : — the man of countless treasures, and him for whose large fears of the sheriff one county is too small, — the citi- zen on his way to the inviting feast, and the bankrupt who longs to seek in the rapid tide which murmurs beneath the graceful arches, a welcome escape from the human tide which beats against its avenues, — the happy wife whom temptation never assailed, and the daughter of crime, whose flaunting garb tells the tale of a broken heart, and blighted promise, and crushed affections, — the dissipated man who boasts of a constitution which nothing injures, and the invalid who seeks for health upon a sunny day ; — such are a few of the features of that crowded and ceaseless stream of population which London pours over her chief bridge, and which neither laws, nor mandates, nor the force of armies, nor the march of pestilence might avail to arrest ! The moment Mr. Pifpaf stepped upon the deck of the vessel — in doing which he very nearly stepped into the stream — a loud, un- ceremonious, and hearty shout, emanating from the lungs of forty Luminaries, welcomed the arrival of the chairman of that glorious fraternity. Never did Mr. Pifpaf appear to such advantage as upon this occasion — wearing a buff waistcoat, and the most becoming meek- ness — a new blue coat, and a countenance wreathed in smiles — his best hat upon his venerable brow, and a blush upon his honoured cheek ! In a moment he was surrounded by the principal members of the club, to whom he presented the self-styled Lord Noodleton with due solemnity and grace. In a few minutes Mrs. Pifpaf was busily employed in detailing her ailments to " his lordship," who, on his part, was equally occupied in wondering ** what the cloth of old Pifpaf's coat could have cost a yard ; " — the captain was doing the THE STEAM PACKET. 47 amiable to Aramintha ; — Belinda was computing in her own mind the probability of falling off the paddle-box, if she attempted to climb up it; — and Sarah was humming to herself the slow sounds of warlike music which commence the sonata of the " Battle of Prague." Mr. Pifpaf seized this opportunity to have a word with the secretary. " My dear Mr. Bumtutch," said he, taking that gentleman aside, " you and I met yesterday evening, under somewhat singular circum- stances." " Who— -I — where ? " cried the secretary, with an admirable affect- ation of ignorance. " Why — in the alley leading up to the — the — you know what," said. Mr. Pifpaf. " Leading where, sir ? " demanded Mr. Bumtutch, staring his supe- rior with most astounding calmness in the face. " Well — if I must say it — to the pawnbroker's shop," returned Mr. Pifpaf; " from which I saw you come out with a bundle under your arm, and a pair of boots in your hand." ** Mr. Pifpaf," said the secretary, " you may be accustomed to go to pawnbrokers' shops ; but / am not ; and I request that you will not make this kind of mistake again, at least in regard to me." " Mr. Bumtutch," exclaimed the chairman, " what am I to under- stand by this ? Will you make me believe that I cannot put faith in my own eyes ? " " Not in this instance," answered the secretary, with the most im- perturbable coolness. '* And you were not there ?" continued Mr. Pifpaf. " No — certainly not." " And you did not run against me in the alley ? " *' No — I repeat I was not there." " Then, Mr. Bumtutch," said the chairman, " I saw your ghost ! " Mr. Pifpaf grew as pale as his naturally rubicund face would allow him to be, and added, after a pause, " Do you believe in ghosts? Do you think that there are such things as fetches ? " " I have always entertained that belief," replied Mr. Bumtutch, solemnly. " Well, then — I have seen yoxxr fetch, my dear Bumtutch! " ejacu- lated Mr. Pifpaf, in a mournful tone : " pray to heaven that this voy- age may not prove unfortunate to you." "I will — I must indeed," answered the secretary, with an almost invisible curl of the lip ; for he had on his feet the identical Welling- tons, and on his back the selfsame garments, which on the preceding evening he had just withdrawn from the custody of his uncle, when he 48 THE STEAM PACKET. encountered Mr. Pifpaf in the alley. " But," he added, after a moment, " I am in hopes that this foreboding will not prove true ; for I re- member that my fetch was once seen in the stocks, when I was a very young man ; and of course you couldn't suppose that I was really there myself, particularly as I never did rob the orchard. However, you need not let this matter go beyond ourselves." And they separated for the moment — Mr. Rumtutch to obtain a glass of brandy- and- water, and Mr. Pifpaf to make memoranda of this history of a, fetch, for a future pamphlet, — which (we may as well ob- serve here) has since appeared, under the auspices of Mr. Humm Bugg — and very good auspices too, as the reader is doubtless inclined to believe. Meantime the packet had left the wharf, and was now threading its way amidst the mazes of the shipping which thronged the pool. The captain of the vessel, whose name was Bloomfield, was standing upon the paddle-box, conveying signs with his fingers to a boy who was posted above the hatchway of the engine-room, to which he (the afore- said small boy) transmitted the directions of his commander by means of his own shrill lungs. " What do they mean by ' ease her ' ? " demanded Aramintha of her lover, as the treble tones of the small boy's tongue, which just then gave utterance to the phrase, fell upon her ears. "They are afraid the engine will fatigue itself, my dear girl," answered the captain, who was anxiously listening to the conversation which took place between Mrs. Pifpaf and the tailor. " Dear me ! how beautiful is this scene ! " murmured the senti- mental Aramintha. " What sweet vessel is that, with all its sails set, and which is now ' walking the waters like a thing of life ' ? " " That, dear? — oh! that is a collier," replied the captain, with an amorous glance. - " Aramintha, my love," said Mrs. Pifpaf, turning towards her eldest daughter, and addressing her in a somewhat loud tone of voice, " I am so glad now that I didn't bring the six large pots of raspberry jam, and the four small, and the three pots of currant jelly, and the five bottles of walnut catsup, and the pickles : his lordship says it is so very vulgar to encumber one's self with such-like things." "Oh! certainly," ejaculated the soi-disant nobleman. " Stop her ! " shouted the small boy, at this point of the conver- sation. " Stop her ! — and why ? " inquired the bewitching Aramintha ; " surely there 's nothing wrong — is there ? Where is my dear father ? where is Belinda — where is my Byron ? has that, too, deserted me ? " THE STEAM PACKET. 49 — and the young lady would have wept, had not the packet at that moment got clear of a manure-barge which menaced it with a con* cussion, and the engines were again set in motion. As soon as the gallant steamer had worked its way through the shipping, it proceeded at a rapid rate ; and the Luminaries dispersed themselves over the spacious deck, to watch those points of view which possessed any peculiar features of attraction calculated to inte- rest them individually. " There 's Rotherhithe church, where I was married twenty years ago come Christmas," said Mr. Tiptile, with a sigh. " Ah ! I was young and handsome then ! " " You're wery much altered since that time, I 'm afeard, sir," ex- claimed a voice behind him ; " no von would ha' knowed it, if you hadn't ha' said so." " Who are you, sir ? " demanded Mr. Turnchurch, to whom Mr. Tiptile's observation had originally been addressed. " My name 's Mr. Tummas Gibbins, Eskvire, at your service, sir," was the ready reply. " I ain't got no card vith me ; but p'raps you '11 make a memmyrandum of it, if you've got a pencil in your pocket." "And whose servant are you?" asked Mr. Tiptile, eyeing the intruder askance. " I okkipy the distingvished post of walley-de-sham to Captain Pentonweal, and a wery honourable gen'leman he is. Members o' the House o' Commons isn't nothin' to him." With these words Tom turned lightly away, whistling a tune, and looking as independent and impudent as a New Policeman who has just overturned an apple-stall, or thrashed a small boy for causing an obstruction in the street, and impeding him in the execution of his duty. . " That Pentonville is a queer fellow, in my opinion," said Mr* Tiptile : " like master like man, you know." "Yes — I am afraid he is no good," answered Mr. Turnchurch: " but he has got on the weather side of old Pifpaf — there 's no doubt of that." " I don't like that Pentonville at all," continued Mr. Tiptile; " and much less too, after the insult his servant has just put upon me. How- ever, the first time the committee meets, I'll do something to annoy him — now, mark my words if I don't ! " " I wish you would," said Mr. Turnchurch; "he crows it over us citizens, with his frogged coat, and his Lord Noodleton ! Ah ! I my- self once knew a Polish refugee — a Count Vandeneski — who, however, strange to say, afterwards turned out to have been born in the county E 50 THE STEAM PACKET. of Galway, where he had lived until a mature age, and whence he had accompanied his master in the dignified situation of valet up the Rhine as far as Frankfort. On his return, passing through London, the success of a countryman who, giving himself out as a Polish noble- man, had married a rich cheesemonger's daughter, induced Patrick O'Sullivan to try his luck in the matrimonial lottery ; and having picked up a smattering of German on the Rhine, he concluded it would do quite as well as Polish. His dreadful brogue he passed off for a foreign accent, and interlarded his discourse pretty plentifully with the little German he knew ; but he not unfrequently drew upon his imagination for the invention of words and phrases not to be found in any dictionary at all. He described the revolution of the Poles from imagination, showed a cut upon his forehead inflicted by a hookem-snivey at some Irish fair-fight as the thrust of a Cossack lance, and, in fact, worked his way into the good graces of a wealthy ironmonger's daughter. She was sentimentally inclined, and one eve- ning asked him some question about the Castle Crag of Drachenfels. ' Musha the sch'dnste gable ind of an ould house that ever ye set yer zwei augen on] said he. I heard him — burst out laughing — and thus led to his detection." " And I will do the same by this Pentonville," cried Tiptile. Meantime conversation was rife amongst the other Luminaries. " There *s the warehouse where I first learnt my business," said Mr. Shiffley, who was a wealthy corn-factor, to Mr. Jeremiah Crumplings. " There's the crane, down the rope of which I 've often swung when a boy; and there's the window — that one without any glass in it — where Miss Peggy Stubbs — Mrs. Shiffley that now is — was standing, when I came behind her, caught her round the waist, and — what do you think?" " Kissed her," said Mr. Crumplings. "No — popped the question," replied Mr. Shiffley; " and then what do you think took place ? " " She accepted you ? " guessed Mr. Crumplings. " No — not then ; but Tim Dobson, the overseer, came behind me f and welted me with a cane till I couldn't stand. Ah ! " added Mr. Shiffley, with a sigh, " these are pleasing reminiscences — very pleasing ! " " So they are," coincided Mr. Crumplings. In another part of the vessel a third group of Luminaries was con- versing. " There 's the school, Nibkins," said Mr. Deputy Higgins (of Port, soken), pointing, as he spoke, to a low building upon the left bank of the river, " where you and I passed our boyish days. Ah ! how times THE STEAM PACKET. 51/ have changed ! How well I remember the ash-trees, and the old oak in one corner of the play-ground, and the elder-trees at the side near the street, and the tall poplar in the middle ! " "Well, 'pon my word," said Mr. Nibkins, "I don't exactly re- member the oak, the ashes, the elders, and the poplar in the middle ; but I have an excellent recollection of the birch at the bottom." " We shall have a beautiful trip, I apprehend," observed Mr. Stokes to Mr. Cowslip. " I am so fond of the sea ; but I have never been on it yet — and I 've only seen it in pictures, and in the Dissolving Views at the Polytechnic." " Oh ! I 've often been to sea," cried Mr. Cowslip, proudly. " But remember, you must not believe all you hear of it. The sea is very well in its way — but after all, it 's nothing more than — than — water." " Indeed ! " said Mr. Stokes, who seemed grateful for this piece of information, which, from his manner, one would have supposed to be quite new to him., " And you must not expect to see any of those wonders which exist only in fables," continued Mr. Cowslip, with increasing importance. " There is no such thing, for instance, as a mermaid — nor yet as a dolphin." " No such thing as a dolphin ! " ejaculated Mr. Stokes, opening his eyes in amazement. " Why I have had my beer every day from the Dolphin for the last twenty years." Mr. Nibkins cast a look of ineffable contempt upon his brother Luminary, and deigned no reply. " What a delightful prospect ! " said Mr. Jeremiah Crumplings to a Luminary who now approached him, and who claimed the Emerald Isle as the place of his nativity. " By Jasus, and it puts me in mind of ould Ireland, every inch of it — barrin' that it ain't so beautiful ! " exclaimed the gentleman appealed to, as he took off his hat, and ran his fingers, comb-wise, through his hair, which bore a considerable resemblance to a tawny door-mat. " Ah ! Ireland is a fine country, I Ve heard say — a very fine coun- try," continued Mr. Crumplings, with a solemn shake of his head. " But absenteeism has ruined it ! " " Absent-ta#-ism is it that ye mane?" cried the Irish Luminary, turning abruptly round upon his companion. " Well, by the holy poker, now, and I should ha' thought that absent-<#««rce;--ism was a much more likely cause o' starvation than the other ! " Mr. Jeremiah Crumplings was dumb-founded. But humour amongst the Luminaries was rife upon this day — e 2 52 THE STEAM PACKET. plentiful as vulgarity amongst Americans, or boasting amongst travellers. " Ah ! my dear Mr. Tillinick," said a very fat, pursy, oily-looking and sleek Luminary, " there is the establishment where you and I served our apprenticeship to Tim Slater, the hat-manufacturer." " It is, indeed,'* responded Mr. Tillinick, with a sigh ; "but, for a hatter, my dear fellow, you really are vilely thatched — your gossamer is an out-and-out bad one ; and then you wear it perched just over the left ear." " Why, I '11 tell you how it is, my dear Tillinick," replied the weaver of gossamer webs : " I am leaving off this hat by degrees; and, as you very justly observe, I have already left it off on the right side altoge- ther ; so that I shall soon have done with it now." The gentleman's words were at that moment verified, for a sudden gust blew the hat into the river ; where, although " warranted water- proof," it speedily filled, and its disconsolate proprietor was compelled to wrap his cotton silk-imitation round his head until the vessel arrived at Margate, where he dispensed four shillings and ninepence upon a new ventilating tegument. " A brilliant anniversary for the Luminaries, ain't it, Splikes ? " said a thin, sharp-nosed, bustling Luminary, with a pair of silver spectacles adorning his face, and a spy-glass under his arm. " Aye, and a brilliant anniversary for you, too, old fellow ! if report speaks true," answered Mr. Splikes. " Well, report does speak true," answered the sharp-nosed Lumin- ary ; " that is, if report says that on this day twenty-two years ago, when I was a twopenny postman, a lady followed me about all through the third delivery, and married me next morning, by special licence, after the second. So I suddenly became a rich man, and have been so ever since." "And a clever man — and an influential member of the committee, too," added Mr. Splikes, who was a bit of a sycophant in his way ; " but, by the by, how came you to fall asleep the other night during the debate upon whether supper should be postponed or not? " "I can't say how it was," answered the ex-twopenny-postman; " I can't say at all." " Perhaps you had listened to your own speech ? " said Mr. Splikes, with the air of triumph often assumed by men who solve great diffi- culties on a sudden. The Luminary darted a couple of glances — consecutively rapid, like a twopenny postman's knock — at the unfortunate Mr. Splikes, and turned away in disgust. THE STEAM PACKET. 53 By this time the vessel had arrived opposite Greenwich Hospital, and was hailed by a waterman rowing a gentleman, with three huge trunks, in a wherry. " It may be a Luminary," said Mr. Pifpaf to Bloomfield ; and the packet was stopped accordingly, until the wherry came alongside. " Going to Margate ? " demanded the passenger, who was a short, stout, John-Bull-looking man, with tops and cords, and a hat pos- sessing brims nearly as large as an umbrella, and quite acting as a sub- stitute for one. " Yes," laconically replied Captain Bloomfield ; '* and farther too." "Well, let down the accommodation-ladder, then," cried the pas- senger in the wherry; "I missed the first boats, and so it's lucky I came in time for you. You 're extra, s'pose ? " " Easy— easy ! " returned Captain Bloomfield. " Now, Mr. Pifpaf— does this here gen'leman belong to your crew ? " " My dear sir," said Mr. Pifpaf, hastening to the side of the vessel, and leaning over the bulwarks, — "pray are you one of us ? are you a Luminary? Excuse me — but the sun dazzles my eyes — and " " Go to the devil, you old fool '. " interrupted the passenger : " what do I know about luminaries, or care about suns dazzling eyes ? " " Heavens ! he abused my father ! " almost screamed Aramintha, as ;he clung to Captain Pentonville for support. " I will avenge your honoured sire ! " answered that enthusiastic 'over, pressing his arm closely round the waist thus yielded to him in t moment of alarm. " Come now, old feller, and let down your ladder, or I '11 see if I can't make that red conk of yours tingle," continued the passenger, thus strangely and rudely apostrophising the sainted Mr. Pifpaf, to the horror of all the assembled Luminaries. " He reviles my father ! " murmured Aramintha. "Oh! my poor head!" cried Mrs. Pifpaf: "it will drive me mad ! " " I wish some one would teach that vulgar wretch better manners !" said the pretty romp Miss Belinda. " Now then, you old fool ! " again shouted the passenger. « "Do you mean me?" innocently inquired Mr. Pifpaf. " Who the devil else should I mean ? " cried the other. " Heaven defend my poor father ! " cried the now almost fainting Aramintha. Captain Pentonville did not hesitate another moment : ablow might be struck — indeed two : one for Aramintha's hand and fortune — the Other at the uncourtly stranger in the wherry. The opportunity was 54 THE STEAM PACKET. golden ; — but the sea was very deep ! Still " faint heart never won fair lady ; " — the rough voice of the rude John Bull in the boat was again heard, levelling sundry anathemas and imprecatory denunciations against Mr. Pifpaf 's eyes ; — not a moment was to be lost ; — the captain laid Aramintha gently upon the seat, her head supported ..upon her favourite Byron, — he rushed forward, sprang over the bulwark, and leapt into the wherry. The boat almost capsized with the sudden weight of this new-comer ; but the captain's fall was broken by the huge and portly carcass of the passenger, upon whom he tumbled. A terrible combat then ensued. The captain dealt blows, thick, fast, and heavy upon the stranger ; and the latter, as soon as he recovered the presence of mind which this unexpected attack had temporarily banished, returned the pummelling with interest. The waterman also took his share in the strife ; for, turning one of his oars over his head, he began to beat the oaptain's back unmercifully with that ponderous and by no means innocuous weapon. The Luminaries all crowded towards that side of the vessel which commanded a view of this memorable naval engagement ; and loud cries of u Go it, captain ! " " Bravo, Pentonville ! " " Give it him again!" and '* Hurrah for the Luminaries!" echoed around. The ladies were also spectators of the combat : Mrs. Pifpaf forgot her "poor head," — Aramintha awoke from her swoon, to witness the never-dying exploits of her beloved Augustus-"— Sarah hummed again the " Battle of Prague," — and Belinda leapt, upon the seats along the bulwarks, to obtain a better view of the exhilarating and novel scene. Mr. Pifpaf called upon his liege Luminaries to rush forward and separate the combatants ; — Mr. Bumtutch besought Mr. Tiptile to do something to preserve the peace; to which Mr. Tiptile replied, with unfeeling abruptness, " that the peace might be damned for what he cared ;" — the sailors enjoyed the fun beyond all description ; and, in fact, the deck of the steam-packet was all bustle, confusion, animation, and curiosity. Now the reader will doubtless be prepared to hear that Mr. Thomas Gibbins hurried to the assistance of his master. But no such thing. Tom was stationed upon the top of one of the paddle-boxes — in spite of the notice printed in white letters upon a black board, that no passengers were allowed to seek that eminence ; and thence he calmly surveyed the fight, encouraging his master from time to time, as he thought such encouragement might be needed. With arms folded, and his hat stuck airily over his left ear, Tom formed a character which a painter would not have omitted in a sketch of the scene. And then his stentorian voice rose above all other sounds, desiring THE STEAM TACKET. 55 the combatants, whom he allegorically apostrophised as " cripples," to " go it," inasmuch as " crutches were cheap ; " now recommending the captain to " mind his eye," or to hit his opponent " upon the raw ; " triumphantly soliciting attention to the fact, that his master had " tapped, the enemy's claret ; " conjuring the former to hit the latter '* hard," assigning as a reason, " that he had no friends to tell ; " and, finally, whenever the stout passenger received a hard blow, advising him " to put it into his pipe and smoke it." This conduct, we repeat, on the part of Mr. Thomas Gibbins, contributed not a little to enliven the scene. Still the deadly contest terminated not ; — but at length an auxiliary force showed itself upon the spot where this celebrated action was fought. Mr. Buckram, alias Lord Noodleton, who had been all the morning whispering soft nonsense in the ears of Belinda, during those intervals when Mrs. Pifpaf's " poor head " compelled her to suspend the conversation, for some moments experienced as much delight in beholding the proceedings of the combatants as the sailors themselves ; but at length, perceiving that the redoubtable captain was getting much the worst of the business, between the passenger and the water- man, he determined to proceed to his assistance. He accordingly low- ered himself gently into the boat, and announced his presence to the waterman by means of a blow which laid that belligerent flat in the bottom of his own boat But his succour, however well intended, was not quite timely enough. The John-Bull gentleman had so far over- powered the captain, as to be now enabled to throw him half-way over the side of the boat. The captain struggled desperately — the ladies on board the packet screamed, — the Luminaries exclaimed one to another, "Shall I go and help him?" "Shall I assist him?" but no one moved, — and Mr. Pifpaf, in the confusion of his ideas, drew his little official hammer from his pocket and began knocking it violently upon the bulwark, exclaiming, " Order, gentlemen — order ! " Mr. Buckram saw his friend's danger, but was compelled to move cautiously for fear of upsetting the wherry. He, however, made as much haste as he could to the aid of his friend — but all too late. The stout passenger made one desperate effort, and hurled the captain into the river. An ejaculation of horror proclaimed the feelings of the Luminaries, when they thus beheld the defeat of their gallant champion ; — and a terrible scream issued from the lips of the ladies ; while the venerable Mr. Pifpaf bawled "Order! order!" and rapped his hammer louder and quicker than ever. But the danger of Captain Pentonville was not destined to be attended with fatal consequences : good people are too scarce to be lost so easily. His friend the tailor extended a helping hand, 56 THE STEAM PACKET. as he rose to the surface, almost blinded and suffocated with the water ; and Tom Gibbins and one of the sailors of the packet instantaneously leapt overboard to his assistance. In a short time the captain was safe upon the deck, — -the gallant, tailor hastily sprung up the vessel's side once more, — the stout passenger in the wherry was too much bruised and battered himself to wish to provoke a renewal of the combat; and thus terminated this memorable adventure, which is preserved amongst the archives of the Honourable and Independent Club of Luminaries. The welcome and congratulations of the members of that famous association, the silent gratitude of the ladies, the warm shake of the hand bestowed by Mr. Pifpaf, and a dry suit of clothes in a private cabin, awaited the gallant captain , and rewarded him for the dangers which he had incurred. CHAPTER VI. IN WHICH THE VOYAGE IS CONTINUED DOWN THE RIVER. A REMEDY FOR SEA-SICKNESS. — THE ARRIVAL AT MARGATE. The vessel went rapidly down the river, after the combat related in the preceding chapter, passing by the Trafalgar and Lovegrove's Hotels, at which we have frequently partaken of repasts ever grateful and please ing to our mnemonical appetite. Com- mend me, gentle reader, to the former of those establishments, for the ex- cellence of the wine, the variety of the repast, and the amount of civility ^ which are offered for your money. But it is not our intention to dwell upon the features or characteristics of the banks of the Thames : these have been so often described be* fore — and, in one instance, so admirably delineated* — that it would be a mere work of supererogation to attempt a farther explanation here. Suffice it to say that Belinda was so delighted at the beauty of * The author alludes to Mr. Mackay's work, entitled " The Thames and its Tributaries." the steam packet. 57 the scenery of the Corringham and Fobbing marshes, that one would actually have thought she was a wild duck ; — Sarah amused herself by leaning over the side of the packet, watching the white foam which rolled away from the paddle-wheel, and singing in a low tone the Canadian Boat-Song ; — and Aramintha quoted to her lover passages of Byron, which were brought to mind by the scene then before her. " How beautiful is this part of the Thames ! " exclaimed the senti- mental but enthusiastic young lady. " Very," acquiesced her lover, looking down upon the river's sur- face, and not exactly comprehending why that particular patch of water possessed more charms than any other. " One might almost believe," continued the enraptured Aramintha, " without any very great stretch of the imagination, that this was the Rhine, of which Byron so beautifully observes — ' The river nobly foams and flows ! ' " " Foams, indeed ! " ejaculated Mr. Tiptile, who overheard this re- mark, and who had no ideas of poetical licence ; then, as he walked away, he added sulkily, " I wonder what she means by foaming ? Surely not that thick black mud which we see mixed with the water. I know if Barclay and Perkins did not foam a little better than this, I 'd soon send it back to them again." " You are full of delicious thoughts, my angel ! " whispered Captain Pentonville to his fair companion. " Oh ! I thought of you when I was inflicting condign punishment upon that vulgarian. Mortens reminiscitur Argos — which means, my love, that even when in danger, my imagination was with thee ! " " And did not I think of you> Augustus ? " said the young lady mournfully. " I should have fainted away when I saw you fall into the water, only I thought that it would be proper for me to retain my senses, that I might follow you to your watery grave, in case you had^ met with one. But you are safe — and I am happy ! Now tell me, dearest Augustus " " Yes, my beloved Aramintha," said her lover : " speak ! " " Do you really believe," she continued, in a low and confidential tone of voice, "that Rowland's Kalydor preserves the complexion during a sea- voyage ? " The captain felt very much inclined to ejaculate " Pshaw ! " but he checked himself, and gave an affirmative answer in his usual bland and fascinating manner, at the same time recommending his intended not to butter her face more than the eighth of an inch thick with it. As the steam-packet drew near the mouth of the river, there was an ugly cross sea running ; and she began to pitch violently. All the 58 THE STEAM PACKET. ladies on board (for several of the Luminaries had brought their wives and daughters, besides Mr. Pifpaf) now went below ; but Aramintha persisted in staying with Captain Pentonville. She was quite en- chanted with the voyage — expressed her infinite delight at thus rolling " o'er the glad waters of the dark blue sea," — and determined to wait on deck to behold the light-house at Margate appear above the hori- zon, like " a sea-Cybele fresh from ocean." Suddenly turning towards the helmsman, she asked him, pointing to a gull, if it were a wild sea- mew. " Lord, no, Miss," answered the sailor ; " that is a chicken !" " A chicken ! " ejaculated Aramintha. " Yes, Miss — one of Mother Carey's chickens." Aramintha subsequently communicated this fact to Mr. Rumtutch, the secretary, who very properly recorded, in the minutes of this memorable voyage, the circumstance that several curious chickens, belonging to an elderly lady of the name of Carey, had been descried far out at sea, and apparently quite wild. But at length even Aramintha herself was compelled to follow her mother and sisters to the ladies' cabin, where she forgot all her poetry and her romance — aye, and even her love, in that most annoying of indispositions called " sea-sickness." The wind had freshened — a few dark clouds hovered over-head, and obscured the light of that sun which had shone so refulgently in the morning — and a thin mizzling rain began to fall. The spray beat like a thin sleet over the deck, upon which the dense black smoke from the chimney was blown ever and anon ; and the vessel pitched in a manner calculated to upset the equilibrium of even a very strong stomach. Nothing could now equal — and no pen can fully describe — the piteous appearance of the illustrious Luminaries. Many of them had never been so far in a steam-vessel before, not having formed a part of previous aquatic excursions, nor having ever met any other inducement to lead them from home beyond Greenwich or Richmond. " My dear fellow," said Mr. Pifpaf, dragging himself up towards the spot where Captain Pentonville was sitting, "pray tell me if you know of — of — any rem — remedy for — for — sea-sick — sick — ness?" " A devilish good glass of brandy-and-water, cold," answered the captain, who was himself very pale; "and that's what — what I 'm ta — a — king myself." " Brandy be hanged ! " ejaculated Mr. Buckram ; " it makes you worse. Gin I always take. Our foreman always " Fortunately a sudden pitch of the vessel cut short Mr. Buckram's speech, by pitching him violently against Mr. Pifpaf, who lost his THE STEAM PACKET. 59 balance, and rolled upon the deck : we say fortunately, because the tailor would have certainly committed himself beyond all means of reparation, and his earl's coronet would have been suddenly ex- changed for a goose and shears. Mr. Pifpaf fell against one of the seats which ran down the middle of the deck abaft the funnel ; and a small spaniel dog, which had been hitherto crouching timidly beneath the bench, now rushed forth, and menaced the honourable chairman with an attack, barking most furiously the whole time. " Rumtutch," cried Tiptile, " there's the chairman down; go and pick him up ! I can't — I'm so ill." " Devil take the chairman and you too ! " exclaimed the secretary. " Steward — get me a — bot — ot — le of so — o — da wa — a — ter!" And the two second officers of the club rivalled each other in the violence of their retchings. The captain and the tailor hastened to the assistance of the unfortu- nate Mr. Pifpaf, beat off the dog from his venerable carcass, and placed him comfortably upon the seat. " My lord," cried the old gentleman, wiping his face, upon which the spray had been beating, " this condescension on your part " " Pray don't mention it, my dear fellow," interrupted Buckram. •" I am always willing to help people out of their difficulties ; particu- larly those for whom T entertain an affection. Why — it was but three nights ago that I had to wheel the Lord Chancellor home in a barrow, he was so confoundedly drunk — we 'd all been dining together. The thing got into the opposition papers, though ; the Thunderer gave a leader two columns and a half long about it : but I dare say you saw it." " Yes — I think I did," answered Mr. Pifpaf, willing to have seen or read anything which his lordship wished him to have witnessed or perused. " Ah ! I thought you did," said Buckram ; and, as he walked away, he added, " with a hook, I suppose !" Mr. Pifpaf tried the brandy-and-water, and immediately vomited it all up again. He then essayed the gin-and- water ; and the conse- quences were even more painful still, for the vomiting returned, with increased retching. He was about to try some bottled stout, by way of a little pleasing variation, when the captain of the packet brought him, with his own hand, a little piece of lump-sugar, on which about half-a-dozen drops of creosote, or essence procured from the distilla- tion of wood, had been poured. The effect was astonishingly prompt. In five minutes Mr. Pifpaf was enabled to walk the deck in the full enjoyment of health and spirits, and to administer the same remedy 60 THB STEAM PACKET. to those of his brother Luminaries who were labouring under the effects of the malady. He summoned the stewardess, and desired her to subject the ladies to the same mode of treatment, to which they joyfully submitted : the result was their return to the deck, just as the sun again burst forth in all its golden glory, and the white cliffs of Margate were seen in the distance. All was now bustle on board — for good appetites had suddenly succeeded sea-sickness. Baskets were produced — sandwiches, cold fowls, ham, tongues, and bottled stout made their appearance on all sides : the steward and his boys ran hither and thither, crying " Coming !" when they were going, and committing a thousand errors in the confusion of the moment. Thus a prim dowager had a huge smoking glass of brandy-and- water thrust into her hand, and Mr. Glass- nose found himself sipping weak negus instead of the former kind of liquid which he had ordered : another old lady was suddenly put in pos- session of a cigar and a light, while Mr. Kruby, who sate next to her, was accommodated with a biscuit, in lieu of the fragrant Havannah (which, by the by, was a three-halfpenny Cuba) ; Miss Cowslip, a young and delicate lady of thirty-three, found herself suddenly installed opposite a pint of wine, and Mr. Splikes, who was " doing the amiable" to her, was supplied with a bottle of ginger-beer. But all these errors were remedied in time — save that connected with the dowager, who very considerately refused to let the waiter have the trouble of changing her hot brandy-and-water for any other beverage, and who pertina- ciously maintained that it was by no means so strong as negus would have been — although perhaps more beneficial. And it was now so very delightful to behold the attentions which the gentlemen paid the ladies, and the blushes, simpers, and giggles with which the ladies received those attentions. "My dear Mrs. Pifpaf, another glass," said Captain Pentonville, holding a bottle of sherry in a slanting position in his hand. " Not another drop, captain," returned the lady : «' the little I 've taken already has got into my poor head — I feel it has ! " *' Why, my dear madam, you've only had one glass," remonstrated the captain. " Haven't I?" said Mrs. Pifpaf, appearing to relent in favour of another, in consequence of this representation; "well, if that's the case " " Oh! dear, mamma, you've had three!" exclaimed Belinda, skip- ping from the seat in the middle of the deck to the one fixed against the bulwarks. " Belinda, my dear, don't be rude," said Mrs. Pifpaf, with an THE STEAM PACKET. 61 admonitory frown; then, in a whisper, she added, "his lordship doesn't like rudeness." " How very delightful this marine lunch is ! " ejaculated the ami- able chairman of the Luminaries ; and just at that moment a sudden lurch of the vessel emptied half his tumbler of bottled stout over his trousers. " Wery pleasant, sir," said Tom Gibbins, who was waiting upon the chairman's little party ; " and so 's a airin' in the stocks, arter a feller has been laid up in lavender for a fortnit' or so; and so's a ride in the queen's omnibus ven a chap has been compelled to walk on his two legs all his life." " The queen's omnibus, Tom ! " said Mr. Pifpaf ; " what may that be?" " The police-wan, sir," was the explanatory answer. " Tom," exclaimed Captain Pentonville, " have the kindness to see, hear, and say nothing." " Wery good, sir," said Tom; " and wery pleasant it is to see, and exceedin' edifyin' to hear, sir, all you've got to do or say." " If that fellow was my servant," whispered Buckram to Belinda, "I'd discharge him. I remember once, when my butler insulted Lord Queerfysh about a figured silk waistcoat and a pair of double- milled " " About a what, my lord ?" asked Belinda. " He means a Member of Parliament whom he milled — that is, thrashed" cried Captain Pentonville, hastening to explain. " Blowed if that there tailor feller von't spile all, now," said Mr. Gibbins to himself; " natur' vill peep out, just as a elbow Will show itself through a hole in the coat, and ven one ain't got no shirt on, let him do all he can to perwent it ! " " What are you muttering to yourself, Tom, you rascal ?" demanded Captain Pentonville. " I was on'y a sayin' how wery prudent his lordship were," whis- pered Tom ; " and what care he does take to be sure to keep hisself within the boundayries o' reason." " My lord," said Mr. Pifpaf, as one of the more youthful Luminaries approached the little party, " allow me to introduce a particular young friend of mine — one of us — the Luminaries, I mean — and a bright ornament to the institution. Mr. Smale, my lord — Mr. Smale, Lord Noodleton." The tailor cast his eyes in a patronising manner upon Mr. Smale, and beheld an awkward-looking, raw-boned youth, of about one-and- twenty. Mr. Smale was, however, an industrious plodding person, 62 THE STEAM PACKET. enjoying a good situation in the Custom-House, and residing, when at home, in Botolph Lane — a thoroughfare which runs, or rather limps, from Thames Street into Eastcheap, and which is chiefly inhabited by Jews, who pursue the lucrative avocation of orange merchants ; thus turning the lane aforesaid into a complete orange grove, remind, ing one of the avenues of Seville. Mr. Smale was not, however, of the Jewish persuasion, he being a constant attendant at the chapel of Mr. Bangbible, the dissenting minister. Having studied the use of figures at school, Drinkwater Smale had them at his fingers' ends before they were an inch and a quarter long ; and consequently he knew full well how to take care of number one. Miss Sarah Pifpaf had been heard to say that he was very good-looking, and that his features were finely chiselled — although, to speak truly, if Nature had chiselled much longer she would have left him without any at all. For the rest, Drinkwater Smale had inherited an annual income of forty pounds a-year from his deceased and much lamented father, who was kicked into eternity by a cow-heel, to which he was perhaps too weakly attached, and who still lies (at least it is to be hoped so) be- neath a cypress in the Abney Park Cemetery. *' Delighted, my lord, to form your lordship's acquaintance," said Mr. Smale, elevating a four-and-ninepenny gossamer six inches from his red hair (Miss Sarah vowed it was auburn) and replacing it again. " Happy to know any friend of Pifpaf 's," answered the tailor, with a patronising air which would have been worthy of an emperor. " I am really extremely obliged for your lordship's condescension," said Mr. Smale, with another graceful bow. " Any way in which my interest can serve you, Mr. Smale," con- tinued Buckram, " command me. I am entirely at your service — and at that of any friend of my friend Pifpaf 's." At this moment the worthy chairman was called aside by Mr. Rum- tutch upon some business ; and Mr. Smale thought it a most desirable opportunity to avail himself of the proffered bounty of his lordship. " My lord," he began, shuffling about in a fidgetty manner, and playing with his watch-guard, "since your lordship is so kind— and as I may not have such another chance, seeing that I don't often fall in with a real lord — although I have seen a great many imitation ones on the stage — I will just trouble your lordship with a little request " " Speak, my dear fellow — speak ! " exclaimed the soi-disant noble, with the same imperial dignity of manner which we have before noticed ; — " speak, and your desires shall be fulfilled the moment we get back to London again." THE STEAM PACKET. 63 " Really your lordship's goodness overwhelms me," said Smale, in a most reverential and submissive tone ; " and I am afraid " " Don't be afraid of anything, Mr. Smale," again ejaculated his lordship. " Pensions, places, and honours, are as easily manufactured by me as a new coat of Saxony cloth, or a Petersham surtout with velvet facings, figured buttons, and silk linings." " My lord ! " cried the Custom-House clerk, somewhat astonished at the words which last met his ears. " Go on, I say," exclaimed the tailor, rather impatiently ; " ask any- thing you like — I can grant it, as sure as I'm a peer of England — just the same." " If I must intrude upon your lordship, then," said Smale, quite re-assured by this declaration, " I humbly solicit your lordship's interest in my behalf, for any good situation of four or five hundred pounds a-year in the Customs, which may become vacant ; and a little pension of two or three hundred a-year for my more than mother — my venerable, infirm, and aged grandmother, who dotes——" " I dare say she does ! " exclaimed Mr. Buckram drily. " Who dotes on me," continued Mr. Smale, his eyes filling with tears. " And then, if it wouldn't be taxing your lordship's kindness too much — I should most respectfully solicit the place of housekeeper, now vacant, at the House of Lords, for my beloved aunt Susan ; and some little independence for my brother-in-law, who is a painstaking, deserving young man." " Very well," said Buckram, with difficulty suppressing a laugh, " I will make a memorandum of what you want. Have you anything else to ask, besides these little favours — which are really trifling ? " " Why — thank your lordship," returned Mr. Smale, emboldened and delighted by the affability of his new patron ; " there 's aunt Deborah's deaf and dumb boy — and my godmother, Mrs. Murgatroyd's hump-backed girl ; and poor Tim Macarthy wants a place, and would take it good-natured of me if I put in a word for him." " Is that all ? " demanded the tailor, solemnly. " Quite, thank your lordship," replied Mr. Smale; "but if I should think of anything else, I can easily communicate my humble desire to your lordship " " Precisely," interrupted this most liberal of patrons : " we shall be fellow-travellers for some time, I hope, Mr. Smale ; and you can let me know." Mr. Smale bowed ten times to the generous man who thus under- took the care of his future interests ; and then withdrew to another part of the deck, walking backwards, out of respect, until his head t?4 THE STEAM PACKET. came in violent concussion with the chimney of the packet. The self- styled nobleman rushed to the cabin to give vent to the risibility which he could now no longer suppress. The easterns talk of their snake-charmers — and well they may ; for it is by no means a joke to use poisonous reptiles as wristbands or false collars : but the confidence of the adroitest of these gentlemen is maiden basbfulness and boarding-school-girl modesty, when compared with the brazen effrontery which Mr. Buckram maintained during the preceding dialogue. The delighted and self-complacent Mr. Smale left him with the firm conviction that he had been conversing with the distinguished frequenter of palaces, instead of public-houses — with an elegant patron of Almack's in the West, instead of a vagabond sup- porter of all-max in the East. In a word, his lordship appeared in the eyes of the Custom-House clerk the very model of condescen- sion— -a being in whose structure there was nothing more rigid than butter— and that churned out of the purest milk of human kindness. At length the steam-packet came alongside the pier-head at Mar- gate ; and although the vessel, with its hundred and fifty horse power, was rendered motionless in a minute with the greatest ease, it would require a three hundred elephant power of words to describe the haste . with which the Luminaries rushed on shore, or the anxiety which per- vaded the drivers of the numerous vehicles upon the lower pier, each of one horse or two donkey power. But none of these attractive con- veyances were put into requisition. The entire mass of passengers had one common destination in view — namely, the White Hart Hotel, the proprietor of which had already received due notice of the prepa- rations which were to be made for their reception. The greatest confusion prevailed upon the debarkation — although no possible motive could be assigned for the haste which the Luminaries made to quit their vessel, save the well-known fact, that people always do rush out of a theatre, a chapel, and a steam-packet. One Luminary, who was so deformed that he seemed to possess a spine as circumvolved as a cork-screw, was nearly knocked overboard by an elderly lady in a bonnet like an inverted black japanned coal- scuttle, because he happened to tread upon her toe ; Mr. Glassnose almost had his nasal promontory smashed flat with his face by Mr. Rumtutch's carpet-bag, which that gentleman threw somewhat negligently over his shoulder; and a worthy tallow-chandler of Candlewick Ward, who was furnished with five of those interesting articles denominated children, all of which specimens of animated nature he had brought with him upon this occasion, was nearly dis- tracted because his wife insisted upon making him carry the baby jn V\p7 kv * il'STE.AM PACKET : A TALE OF THE RIVER AND THE OCEAN, BY G. W. M. REYNOLDS, AUTHOR Or "PICKWICK ABBOAD," " R08BBT MK1HB,' " UllTtn TIMOTHY'S BOOK-CABB," "ALVBBD P« BOSANWi" 8«. fce. ILonUmt: W. E M A N S, 12, WARWICK SQUARE. THOMS, PRINTER,] [WARWICK BAUABE. J~J6^0ncs /« ' Tbm Gii&ins remove j himself a. man of lasfe afiiMfgnes fa * The Public Execution, THE STEAM PACKET. 65 his arms, and the youngest boy but one upon his back. In a word, the whole scene was as interesting as a squabble between a dog's-meat- man and the proprietor of a Punch and Judy show — or any other comedy gratuitously furnished every day by the streets of London. At length all the Luminaries were landed, and drawn up on the lower pier, in two lines, the ladies mingled with the gentlemen " pro- miscuously," as Mr. Eumtutch subsequently observed in his report. At the head of this procession — which was two deep — was displayed the great banner of the Honourable and Independent Club of Luminaries, swaying backwards and forwards between the two poles to which it was suspended, and which were carried by the two junior members of the order. The sight was most imposing, and produced a wonderful effect upon the multitudes assembled to witness the landing — espe- cially as the weight of the banner, under the influence of the wind, threatened every moment to put out the two Luminaries who bore it, by carrying them with it over the edge of the pier into the water. This catastrophe was, however, fortunately avoided ; and, to the sound of the joyful music of the band which accompanied the Club upon its excursion, the brilliant cavalcade proceeded to the White Hart Hotel, accompanied by the cheers of the multitudes, who were left in a pleasing state of uncertainty as to the meaning of the banner, the device of which was a robust lady holding a large torch in one hand, a book in the other, and standing as comfortabty upon a lion as if it were a footstool, while chubby-cheeked and (we must need confess) naked cherubs, very much resembling the angels in Dutch pictures, were occupied in blowing huge trumpets in the deep blue sky, over the aforesaid buxom lady's head. It is scarcely necessary to observe that Mr. Buckram escorted the lively Belinda, that Captain Pentonville chapex'oned the sentimental Aramintha, or that Mr. Smale accompanied the accomplished Sarah, in whose ear he poured a perfect encyclopaedia of glowing eulogiums upon the generous patron from whom he had obtained such liberal promises. Mr. Pifpaf followed with his lady, whose " poor head " had the complacency not to torment her, although she walked just behind the French horn of the band. After all these illustrious personages came the Luminaries generally, with their wives and children — at least those who were blest with either ; and at four o'clock p. m. the great banner stopped at the door of the White Hart. An hour yet remained to dinner-time ; and this was passed by the gentlemen in a little ramble, and by the ladies in the duties of the toilet. At length five o'clock struck ; and the crowd of guests pre- cipitated themselves into the long room, where their table was spread p fli-6 3 f>t. 3 66 THE STEAM PACKET. with all the good things Margate could produce. The sea-air had given them all a wonderful appetite; and this circumstance was an apology for every one eating as much as he possibly could. Nor was the liquor spared; and while wings of poultry flew about as if alive, sherry was poured forth with an abundance which would have induced a simple-minded man to have inferred that it had rained wine in the morning, and that the generous fluid had been caught by pails-full. Even Captain Pentonville himself — head over heels as he was in love with Aramintha and her money — ventured a Latin quotation — Sine Baccho et Cerere frigit Venus — which he translated for the behoof of Mr. Kumtutch in the following elegant manner : — " Without bread and cheese and celery Venus isn't worth a fig ; " and Mr. Buckram made himself so generally agreeable, as Lord Noodleton, that his " Groves of Blarney" were literally as tuneable as if he had been born with a nest of nightingales under his midriff. The ladies retired to partake of tea and coffee in another apartment; and then the gentlemen commenced a little business connected with the Club. The party sate in lurnine — that is, in their capacity of Luminaries— in the same way as the judges, on certain occasions, are said to sit in banco. Mr. Buckram (under the style and title of the Earl of Noodleton, of Diddleham Hall, Notown) was duly admitted a member of the Honourable and Independent Order ; and he made a most eloquent speech upon the occasion. Other little arrangements were then made, connected with the plan of the voyage ; and such was the general hilarity and good feeling, that even Messieurs Tiptile and Turnchurch forgot their hostility towards Captain Pentonville, who made three speeches and sang five songs after the business was con- cluded. In fact, never did joviality seem to prevail amongst the Luminaries more heartily than on this memorable evening. Wit flew about, which was not always caught ; toasts were drunk, and presently so were those who pledged them; and unbounded mirth was the order, or rather the disorder of the night. Mr. Pifpaf, overcome by the fatigues of the day (some said the punch), fell asleep; Mr. Rum- tutch was observed, about twelve o'clock, vainly attempting to direct the neck of an empty bottle to the mouth of his wine-glass ; Mr. Smale was inveterately pouring out his wine upon a glass which his most generous patron Mr. Buckram had waggishly turned upside down ; of Mr. Turnchurch no trace was to be seen save his boots, which had taken the vacant place in their master's chair ; and Mr. Jeremiah Crumplings was with the greatest difficulty in the world prevented by Captain Pentonville from " blacking old Pifpaf's face with a burnt cork." THE STEAM PACKET. 67 The revelry had lasted until all the candles went into fits, and threatened immediate dissolution. Mr. Kruby then contrived to pick a quarrel with Mr. Tillinick, and insisted upon going into the open air " to fight it out ;" but stumbling over Mr. Turnchurch, he fell flat upon the floor, where he contented himself with snoring it out. At length Mr. Pifpaf, whose eyes had long been closed, opened one of them, and prepared to leave the chair ; most of his friends having already left theirs without any ceremony, by suddenly disappearing under the table. CHAPTER VII. HOW MB. THOMAS GIBBINS AMUSED HIMSELF IN THE KITCHEN OF THE WHITE HABT INN, MABGATE. In the meantime Mr. Thomas Gibbins amused himself as well as his betters. He had never felt himself so comfortable before in his life- time ; and it was natural that he should wish to enjoy the palmy hours of prosperity. Having commenced this sublunary state of existence under the auspices of a drunken father ; having next gone through a probationary course of blue worsted hose, yellow leather breeches, pepper and salt coat, muflin cap, and study, at a parish school; and then having lounged away his time in poverty and neglect at home, frequenting public-houses during the week, and attending a conventicle up a court, on Sundays, where a cobbler, who admitted himself to be a " hawful sinner," weekly held forth to the pious people of the slums behind Truman's brewhouse ; — such having been the routine of Tom Gibbins's life, it was natural, we say, that he should hail his present improved condition with the most unfeigned delight. Captain Pen-* tonville was a liberal patron of the industrious classes, and also a master under whose good auspices it was impossible that Mr. Gibbins should not thrive; blacking boots, telling lies, and standing to be sworn at, being the most onerous duties which the domestic had to perform. AVhile the Luminaries were carousing in the manner related in the latter portion of the preceding chapter, Mr. Thomas Gibbins was making himself numerous friends in the kitchen of the hotel. The cook, who was a good-natured female — one of the dowdy kind, and consequently a species of living illustration of *' It 's as broad as it 's P 2 68 THE STEAM PACKET. long" — supplied him with a copious repast ; and the cellarer added a pint of wine, besides plenty of strong beer, with an intimation that " he needn't be afraid to drink it, as his master shouldn't have to pay for it." " Wery good, old chap," said Tom ; " I shan't be afeerd of it. I never yet see anything in the shape o' eatables or lickers vich I didn't dare face — from a biled leg o' mutton down to humble taturs — or from wine like this here down to swipes vich they sells at the chandlers' shops, three halfpence a pot." " You're a accommodating young man, I see," said the buxom cook, with a simper. " Oh ! partickler so," answered Tom, as he made desperate havoc amongst the viands submitted to his taste. " You see I imbibed ex- ceedin' good principles ven I wos wery young — so that I ain't all out'ard show, like a booth at Bartlemy fair." " And I s'pose you 've got a excellent place ? " observed the chambermaid, who had just entered the kitchen with a japanned candlestick in her hand, and who appeared to the eyes of Mr. Gibbins to possess some few attractions — such as a pair of wicked-looking, sparkling black eyes, good teeth, and a plump but well-shaped figure. " Oh ! a excellent place with the captain," replied Tom ; " nothin' to do, and plenty o' vages for the trouble. I haven't begun to com- plain yet, nor to threaten a strike for a rise." " And your master ain't married, s'pose ? " said the cook. " He ain't quite sich a fool as that," exclaimed Tom; " that is — as yet, I mean * for he has got a gal in his eye which has got some few thousand pounds in her pocket." " Veil, I hope it won't all ewaporate like dew," said the cook, who was somewhat sentimentally inclined. " Can't say," cried Tom, laconically ; then, after a moment, he added, " But I des say that some o' them flash young gen'lemen about town often does wish that their bills would ewaporate, ven they be- comes due." " Ah ! them fine chaps is al-tvays in hot water," said the kitchen- maid, who at that moment scalded her fingers with some. " Yes — never out o' the suds," added the washerwoman of the establishment, who was sipping a glass of Booth's best in the chimney- corner, — for gin is as necessary to a washerwoman as a wooden leg is to a cripple. " Veil, for my part," continued the kitchen-maid, casting her visual organs upwards, like a duck during a convulsion of the elements above, " I 'd never marry, 'cause marriage leads to childern." THE STEAM PACKET. 69 " Ah ! so it does," observed the washerwoman, who seemed struck by the justice of the remark; "and where there's childern one's ■always a doing, and is never done." "That's true again ! " ejaculated the cook ; " and it's just for all the world like me and the weal patties : the more I makes, the more I may make." " Raly, though ? " said Tom: "wot — they gets eaten up so wery quick?" " Yes — them and the sassage uns," returned the cook. " I shall send some up for supper presently, if so be as the gen'lemen up-stairs takes supper." " I rayther think they '11 all be drownded in punch afore then," said Tom, winking archly at the chambermaid, who simpered and blushed most becomingly. "What's your name, ma'am?" demanded Mr. Gibbins, after a moment's pause, and now addressing himself to the cook: " ve seem such wery good friends, I think it is but right and fair ve should be better ack-vainted." " My name 's Mrs. Liggins, at your service, sir," replied the cook, with most gracious condescension of manner. " A vidder, I presume, then, ma'am ? " said Tom. " Yes — poor dear Mr. Liggins is gone to a better spear, I hope ! " murmured the cook, wiping her eyes with a dishclout in the most sen- timental manner possible. " Oh ! how I did love that there man ! Mrs. Moggies there," she added, directing her lachrymose eyes towards the washerwoman, " knows how I loved him ! " " I do indeed, poor dear ! " answered the respectable lady thus appealed to ; and as she spoke she swayed backwards and forwards upon her chair — but whether overcome by her feelings, or Booth's best, we cannot determine. " But I drew a blank in the matterymonial lottery ! " continued the cook, with a most heart-rending sigh. " I 've alvays heerd say that a dose o' matrimony is a excellent and inwariable cure for the malady o' love," observed Tom ; " and yet that 'ere wery pleasant domestic medicine sometimes leads to wery queer results. But let 's change this here melancholy discourse. Now that I 'm aweer o' your name, ma'am, and o' the name o' that wery respectable lady in the corner," indicating Mrs. Moggies, "sup- posin' I gets the same information round ? Now, my dear, wot 's your name ? " " Jane Thompson, also at your service," was the pretty chamber- maid's reply. " And a wery sweet name, too," said Mr. Gibbins. " There, my 70 THE STEAM PACKET. dear, is a rose for you : it come out o' Spitalfield's market this mor- nin'— wear it for my sake." " That I will," cried Jane ; and she attached it to the bosom of her gown, apparently, as the cook very pathetically observed, " in a perfect frustration of joy." " Air you fond o' flowers, ma'am ? " asked Tom of the dowdy widow. " Oh ! I 'm quite enravished with them!" was the lady's reply. " And vich flower do you perfer, ma'am?" demanded Tom. " A cauliflower, I think," said the cook ; " 'cause it stands bilin' ; " — and she laughed so heartily at her wit that her buxom form almost burst her stay-laces. "Oh ! wery well," cried Tom, laughing also ; " I owes you von for that there, Mrs. Liggins." " Veil, then — you should pay your debts," returned the cook, laughing more heartily than before : "it ain't to your credit to owe nothink ! " " I rayther think it vould be taking credit if I didn't pay my debts!" ejaculated Tom; "but here goes;" — and leaping from his seat, he caught the plump widow round the waist, while his lips simul- taneously fixed themselves for a moment upon hers. " Well — did you ever ! I 'm raly quite ashamed of you ! " mur- mured the blushing fair one, without, however, making any very violent effort to free herself from his arms. " This must go round — or at all ewents half vay," cried Tom; and abandoning the presiding divinity of the kitchen, he pounced upon the pretty chambermaid, whom he treated in a similar manner — although perhaps, in this instance, his arm remained an instant longer round the waist, and his lips a few moments more upon the red mouth of the tender Jane, than they had done with respect to the fascinating widow. The old washerwoman had fallen asleep with her head buried amongst a bundle of rushlights hanging from the wall; and the scullion, or kitchen-maid, was not very inviting in appearance ; so Tom was content, as he had said, to let the ceremony go only half way round, " Well — I never knowed such imperence ! " cried the cook, laughing heartily at this frolic. " What fellers the men is, to be sure ! " "And what dear, inchantin' creaturs the women is!" ejaculated Tom. " But, p'raps you doesn't know, ladies, vy women is called women?" " 'Cause it 's their name, stupid ! " said the cook. " Ah ! but who giv'd 'em the name ? " demanded Tom. THE STEAM PACKET. 71 "Why, their godfathers and godmothers in their baptism, where- by " began the cook. " No," said Tom. "I'll tell ye. Fust, Eve was called woe-man, cos she brought woe into the world : but ven she begun for to coax and woo her husband, Adam, he called her woo-man. Then at last the fair sex gets all manner o' whims into their heads, and so they was called whim-men." This explanation set all the inmates of the kitchen laughing, the sound of which cachinnation caused the old washerwoman to wake up and utter something about the blessings of Booth's cordials ; where- upon Mr. Gibbins placed his thumb to his nose, and used the corre- sponding little finger in the capacity of an index. This proceeding caused a renewal of the general mirth; and when it had a little sub- sided, the cook requested Mr. Gibbins to favour the company with a song. " Veil, p'raps I may," said Tom, drawing the pretty chambermaid upon his knee in a momentary absence of mind. " I do remember a song — a new wersion, vith out-an'-out long lines — but wery sentimental, though. It ain't wrote by myself nayther ; but by a wery clever feller as I knowed — a man of exceedin' good family — von Buggins, ma'am — I can't say vether you knowed him or no ? " " Can't say I did," replied the cook. " Veil, he wos wery good company, and had gone through all he stated in his song. He wos a perpetiwally receivin' legacies from his family— 4»o that he actiwally lived upon the dead, as von may say. But he had inherited a law-suit, vich kept him alvays poor. You see, ladies, a suit wery often descends to a man who ain't got no credit vith his tailor. And yet he wrote L.L.D. at the end o' his name," added Tom, who entertained the same veneration for, and ignorance of, titular initials, as the learned antiquary is supposed to experience with respect to Egyptian hieroglyphics. "L.L.D. !" ejaculated the pretty chambermaid :'" and pray what does that mean ? " " Vy, Long Live the Doctor, my dear, to be sure ! " cried the cook, with the solemnity of countenance proper to peculiar wisdom. Taking advantage of the pause which followed this lucid and satis- factory explanation, Mr. Thomas Gibbins commenced the following extraordinary chant : — NOTES OF A TRAVELLER. I am a trav'ller bold, my friends, and marvels strange could tell, O ! But for the present shall not keep you longer than a minute : And fust I may observe that I 'm a wery little fellow, Vith a wery little head, and a wery little in it. 72 THE STEAM TACKET. If you know tenants for a pate that 's to be let unfurnished, My upper storey is as empty as a workus kitchen : — The wit, like fire-irons, must be polished, and the humour burnished, For light and shinin' ornaments my head 's not over rich in. How many people go to sea, and yet see nothin' raly ; But I have seen the Bay of Naples, and the Bey of Tripoli ; Vith the Moroccy pirates I have breakfasted so gaily — You need not shake your heads, my friends — my tongue could ne'er let slip a lie. I wisited in Green's balloon the distant realms of Cloudland ; I vent to Philadelphy in the fust aerial carriage ; And thence in six and thirty hours I got to China's proud land, Vhere vith Princess So-Sli I formed a wery happy marriage. For six long years I lived vith her, till Death came in and her pent In a snug coffin — vhich I envied — 'twas so wery handsome. As I returned to England's shore, I saw the great sea-serpent, Attended by some smaller snakes, of which I tried to land some. How wain wos each attempt ! They wos so slippery vith moistur' — Alas ! I slipped and sank unto the bottom of the Red Sea ; But there I had the luck to find a most enormous oyster, Vithin whose shells there wos a pearl, much bigger than your head, see ? And now I 've left off trav'ling, and am buckled to a vidder : I drink my glass of grog at ease, and buy pine-apple rum for 't ; — Of my wife's love I have nine pledges, (she does what I bid her) — The children scream and fight all day, and are their parents' comfort. It is impossible to say how long this strain might have continued had not Captain Pentonville suddenly invoked his domestic, at the top of his voice and the staircase, from the depths of the kitchen, to assist him in performing his night-toilet. This sudden interruption broke up the pleasant party down-stairs ; and in a short time the hotel was wrapt up in the deepest silence. The stars of heaven smiled upon the placid slumber of the Luminaries of earth : and if a few of the former shone in the Milky Way, no inconsiderable number of the latter was steeped in generous wine. THE STEAM PACKET. 73 CHAPTER VIII. IN WHICH, AFTER A BRIEF SOJOURN AT MARGATE, THE LUMINARIES PROCEED ON THEIR VOYAGE TO DUNKIRK. A QUADRILLE ON DECK, AND ITS CONSEQUENCES. VOCAL HARMONY. As all the world has visited Mar- gate, so will all the world be pleased to find that our Luminaries did not intend to make a very long stay there, they having resolved at the debate held after dinner, to proceed to Dunkirk on the following day. You may talk of the frigidity of ca- loric — the fragrance of asafcetida — or the airy gracefulness of an ele- phant; — you may extract the square root of nothing, and present the pro- duct to a public charity; — or by chance you may be enabled to dis- cover the parish settlement of the Man in the Moon ; and you may rest satisfied that most people will think you a very singular, if not a very clever fellow : but to say anything new about Margate — to find out anything about it that has been left unsaid — or to succeed in convey- ing a better idea of the place by another chapter of descriptive detail, or detailed description, than has hitherto been done — would puzzle even the man who could accomplish the feats previously mentioned. Old ladies — learned in the etiquette of the tea-table, and profound in the manipulation of shrimps; — young gentlemen from London, whose means of existence are as mysteriously procured as the suste- nance which is always supposed to attend upon knights-errant in the old romances, there being no conceivable source from which they might be suspected to flow ; — young ladies, who, like Miss Pifpaf, were on the most intimate terms with the Corsair, and have made the Giaour their own ; — old gentlemen, who find out each other's names at the Library by seeing them written in their hats ; — maiden aunts, who, when they preside at the tea-table, invariably ask their brother, sister, nephews, and nieces, whether they take milk and sugar, although, having lived with them for twenty years, they ought to have been pretty well acquainted with their tastes ; — youths, sporting huge pea- 74 THE STEAM PACKET. coats or Taglionis after dusk; — and elderly half-pay officers of all services, — these form the component portions of u the company " that passes the summer at Margate, and crowds upon the pier to witness the arrival of the steam-packets. The visitors for a day, a few days, or a week, of course comprehend nearly all classes — save the very aristocratic one, f* whose watering places " are Cheltenham, Bath, Brighton, or Hastings. The routine of a single gentleman's life at Margate may be thus summed up. He rises early, and takes a walk upon the jetty before breakfast, in an easy and loose kind of garb : most probably he carries a book or a spy-glass in his hand. Home to breakfast, and then back again to see the steam-vessels start for London. Walk till eleven, the mind all the time being involved in a strange state of perplexity as to how the live-long day is to be passed away, while imagination vainly endeavours to persuade itself that time never was so well occupied or more agreeably filled up before. Home again to dress — the toilet being purposely prolonged as much as possible. Off to the Library at one, to discuss scandal and purchase little articles of fancy stationery which are not wanted ; perhaps lose a few shillings in a raffle. Thence for a little walk. Our lounger now passes by the baths, and chats for a quarter of an hour with the prettiest girl of the four who may be seen loitering at the doors of those establishments. He next drops in at the billiard-room, and perhaps plays a game or two, because it is an excuse for drinking brandy and soda-water. Down to the pier again at three, to see the London packets come in. The passengers land — the interest of the scene ceases — and still two mortal hours remain to dinner-time. But never mind — nothing is more pleasant than a watering-place ! It is now too hot to saunter upon the cliffs — frequent walks upon the pier grow fatiguing, for even the ocean has a sameness — (only you mustn't say so at a watering-place) — and then our lounger will admit in a whisper, " that between you and me the people he knows are confounded bores." Still those two hours are killed somehow or another — but not before our lounger has looked through every hole in the jetty at the green water beneath, counted even sea- weed that floats past, and made himself familiar with the names of all the boats lying along-side. Well — dinner-time comes ; and the moments glide away pleasantly 'enough till seven. Then — out again upon the pier — must enjoy the sea-breeze in the evening — and a cigar helps our lounger on through a couple more hours. At nine, he has the alternatives of either proceeding to lose five shillings at a round game with his friends the Jenkinses, or else — going to bed ! In nine cases out of ten the latter is resorted to ; — and at the expiration of the THE STEAM PACKET. 75 sojourn at Margate, the visitor returns to London to assure his friends that he never passed such a pleasant season at any watering-place in his life ! It is strange — but the Gardens do not succeed — they are not well frequented; jaunting-cars are at a discount; and donkeys are a per- fect drug in the market. A gentleman some years ago purchased the grounds known as the Wilderness (and heaven can attest that they have never belied their title either before or since), with the idea of con- verting the premises into a tea-garden: he expended five or six thousand pounds in pulling down and building up, levelling here and raising there, and rendering the place capable of taking in all the visitors of the season ; but the only person ever taken in was himself — and this he has now found out to his cost. The very statues in his garden seem to render the solitude more appalling ; and Echo sleeps there as comfortably as if her powers were never likely to be tested in that quarter again. Still — in despite of all that I have just written — I love Margate well. 1 am deeply attached to that part of Kent in which the Cinque Ports are situated ; for I myself first drew the breath of life in one of them. There are some men who regard love for one's native place as a kind of fanaticism ; — mind how you speak before them of the village where your eyes first beheld light — of your attachment to the very earth — to the atmosphere — to the village bell — or to the gentle murmur of the passing stream ; — all this is an impenetrable mystery to their cold and egotist souls : in such hearts self is the dominant power — such men love naught but themselves. They possess not a single generous asso- ciation : listening to them you might believe that they exist without having ever submitted to the weakness of infancy — that they are secure from the tomb. Delicious is the privilege of enjoying the remembrance of a spot upon the earth where all our delightful dreams are assembled, our youthful loves and our parting hour ! Delicious is it to picture a happy life in the little white cottage, sheltered with rosy tiles, as did Rousseau ! There are you known by the very trees that grace the hamlet : that crowing cock announced your birth — that wooden cross looked on while you received the name of Christian— that heavenly star rose through the ethereal arc to protect your life — the old church- portals have creaked a kindly welcome to your repeated presence. There alone are you at home and beside your family ; — there rests your father, there sleeps your mother ; — there you were a helpless babe ; and thither will you return in old age ! Oh ! spurn not that patriotism which is circumscribed to one's native place, — it is patriotism still ; 76 THE STEAM PACKET. for he who can love the humble village which saw his birth, possesses that sacred fervour which prompted Decius and Curtius how to die ! Oh ! even as my hand traces these words, I feel myself carried back to the days of infancy — and I rove with light and buoyant step once again amongst my native valleys. And so it is with the old man, too : though many years have glided by, and time has touched him with its silvery hand — though the roses of spring be faded, and the merry song of youthfulness be hushed ; yet over these does memory linger, and draw from the remembrance a fragrance redolent of the gathered flower. According to previous orders, the Luminaries were aroused at eight o'clock ; and, having refreshed themselves with soap and water, and soda water, — two excellent alkalis, especially after having imbibed too much wine, — they descended to the apartment where breakfast was provided. As soon as this meal was discussed, came the settling of accounts, when Mr. Pifpaf, in the most delicate way in the world, liqui- dated the obligation of Mr. Buckram at the same time. Alas ! nothing can be done in this world without money : even the savages conven- tionally hold shells to be the representatives of property ; and instead of love being the great primal cause " qui fait le monde & la ronde" we are inclined to imagine that coin must be. How strange, too, are the devices to which men have recourse to stop up those gaps which cash is supposed to fill ! The plumber is led to accept the bill of the cheese- monger, who has not a mite ; — the draft of the publican on the verge of going to pot, is given in accordance with the desperation of the measure ; and the hay-salesman, when quarter-day arrives, is found to be a man of straw ! As soon as the bills were settled, trunks and band-boxes were heaped upon trucks, and once more did the Luminaries repair to the quay. Mr. Thomas Gibbins found a moment to steal a kiss of the pretty chambermaid, with whom he arranged a little plan of correspondence in future ; — and the dowdy cook presented him with some veal-patties to supply his luncheon, to which the cellarer added a flask of brandy, and the landlord a guinea. By eleven o'clock the whole of the illus- trious travellers had embarked once more; and the steam-packet moved majestically away from the pier-head, the band playing (i March, march, Ettrick and Teviotdale," at the express desire of Miss Sarah Pifpaf, who thought the air appropriate. The Pifpaf family and friends, and indeed all the Luminaries, were in high spirits as the ship merged upon the broad ocean. Miss Ara- mintha, who was constantly attended by Captain Pentonville, bent over the side to watch the evolutions of a porpoise, with the rapturous THE STEAM PACKET. 77 glance of a Guebre gazing at the setting-sun, or a Roman pilgrim at St. Peter's brazen toe. Miss Belinda had discovered that Miss Cowslip was very fond of a game of romps, and was giggling with that young lady in one of the little cabins adjoining the paddle-box ; — and Miss Sarah, with true musical enthusiasm, was watching the mechanical "upwards beat" and "downwards beat "of the piston rods of the engine, seen through the lattice of the hatchway. Mrs. Pifpaf was detailing a long list of grievances connected with her " poor head" to the wife of some Luminary with whom she now found herself acquainted for the first time ; — and Mr. Pifpaf and the tailor were pacing the deck, conversing pleasantly upon various matters. Even the little spaniel dog, which had flown at Mr. Pifpaf on the preceding day, was not idle; for he burnt his tail by rubbing it against the chimney, which was as hot as it could be, although it deceived the poor animal by being painted black. " We shall have a delicious trip, my lord," said Mr. Pifpaf to the tailor. " Oh ! delightful ! " was the answer ; " and I can assure you that I for one am devilish glad to get away from London : those infernal cre- ditors of mine — " " My lord?" exclaimed the chairman, interrogatively. . " I mean the creditors of that cursed establishment," explained the self-styled nobleman, " of which I was the director, you know." " And pray which might that have been, my lord ? " " Why — the ' London Dental Institution,' for drawing the teeth of the poor without a letter of introduction," answered Mr. Buckram. "And didn't it succeed?" inquired Mr. Pifpaf. " Not very well," said the tailor; "and yet the thing was feasible enough — supported by voluntary contributions — every subscriber of five guineas annually to have the right of having five teeth drawn gratis — every subscriber of ten guineas to have his own teeth and those of all his relations extracted without any limit Only conceive, Mr. Pifpaf, what an inducement to people ; and, besides all that, the Duke of Houndsditch patron ! " " Inducement, indeed ! " cried the chairman, very naturally indig- nant at those self-willed and obstinate persons who would not nobly sacrifice every tooth in their heads to support such a valuable institu- tion. " But," he added, after a moment's pause, " I hope your lordship was no great loser by the affair ? " " Oh ! no," answered Buckram, now once more upon his guard ; " my solicitor has defended all the actions, because Houndsditch is really answerable." " I am delighted to hear it ! " ejaculated Mr. Pifpaf; and so he was. 78 THE STEAM TACKET. for he had noticed *m the preceding day that his new companion was particularly attentive to Belinda ; and it struck the worthy man that the words "The Countess of Noodleton" would look uncommonly well upon a card, especially when that card bore the style and title of his own daughter. In the meantime Captain Pentonville and Aramintha were also engaged in conversation together. " When shall we arrive at Dunkirk, Augustus ? " demanded the young lady, as soon as she was satisfied that the porpoise had now disappeared altogether. " At about three o'clock, beloved one," was the answer. " At that hour, Aramintha, you will set foot upon the territory of the gallant Frenchmen — the land of poetry — the land of romance — the land of chivalry ! " " Ah ! how I should like to visit the climes of the sunny south," exclaimed Aramintha, " and behold the beauteous creatures whose eyes resemble those of the gazelle." Captain Pentonville murmured an approval of the wish ; — but he did not condescend to inform his sentimental companion, that the beauteous creatures to whom she alluded had eyes in reality like those of human beings ; while Miss Aramintha herself was in a kind of perplexed ignorance as to what sort of an animal a gazelle might be. The sea was as calm as the Thames at Greenwich, and the sun was unobscured by a single cloud above. But the weather was not beautiful only upon the sea : it was a joyous day altogether. It was, in a word, one of those rare and precious days for whose boon all that lives in- sensibly give thanks — and when life itself is gratitude ; — one of those days when Nature seems to be surcharged with the spirit of love ; so that even the most misanthropical and pertinaciously wretched of hearts is imperceptibly moved out of its self-erected charnel-house ; and the slow pulse dances, and the dull eye lightens up, and the marble cheek glows red ; and the patient in his confinement has the casement raised, and another pillow placed beneath his languid head; and mothers may be seen, the country through, carrying abroad their pale and sickly progeny to take their share of God's blessing, and bathe in the warm and limpid air ; and sons and daughters propping up their aged sire or dame, as they totter out to bask their chilled frames in the sunshine once more, and freshly dream of life's morning glow, and look back over the long hill of existence to tbe garden on the other side where the sun always shone ; — one of those days, in fine, when it seems to be the purpose of God to give to all his children, both the THE STEAM PACKET. 79 just and the unjust, a holiday — while heaven lends its choicest in- fluences to earth, and smiles from end to end to see all creatures glad. Prompted by the beauty of this day, and the calmness of the sea, Mr. Pifpaf suddenly received a brilliant inspiration, which he forth- with imparted to Mr. Buckram. "My lord," said he, in a solemn and mysterious tone, sinking his voice at the same time almost to a whisper, " what should your lord- ship say to a dance ? " "A dance? — admirable!" ejaculated the tailor. " I would give any- thing to see that little stout gentleman there, with the pepper-and-salt trousers, the buff waistcoat " "That is Mr. Tiptile, the treasurer, my lord!" said Mr. Pifpaf, impressively. " I don't care who the devil he is, or is not," cried Buckram ; " all I know is, that it will be very amusing to see him trip it on the light fantastic toe ! " Mr. Pifpaf affected not to hear an observation which was somewhat derogatory to the high functionary to whom it alluded; and he hastened to communicate his idea about the dance to Captain Pen- tonville. " My dear Pifpaf — the summum bonum of enjoyment ! " exclaimed the captain, quite delighted at the proposal. ** Nothing could be more enchanting — a dance upon the deck — just the very thing — I have seen it in Italy a thousand times, when I was there as attacM to Lord Crip- plegate's embassy ! " " Do they dance in the gondolas by moonlight, Augustus ? " in- quired Aramintha, in a soft voice, and with a glance of fond appeal towards her lover. " Dance, my dear girl? — Oh ! yes, and serenade, too ! " answered the captain. " But let us have the awning up ; and, Pifpaf " " Well, my dear friend ? " said the amiable chairman. " You have a little champagne on board : suppose we enjoy that, too, as well as the dance — eh?" " Excellent ! " cried Mr. Pifpaf, whose countenance was quite ani- mated with pleasure and perspiration : and he trotted away to give directions according to the hints he had just received from Captain Pentonville. In a few minutes the awning was spread, and the deck was cleared for the dance. Those who did not choose to join in the recreation, stood around to witness the Terpsichorean performances of those who did. Captain Pentonville, Mr. Buckram, and Mr. Smale engaged the BO THE STEAM PACKET. Misses Pifpaf, respectively; and by dint of a great deal of persuasion Mr. Tiptile, the dumpy treasurer, induced Mrs. Pifpaf to favour him with her hand, "for just one quadrille," in spite of her "poor head." Several other distinguished Luminaries mingled in the diversion, and the deck abaft the funnel assumed an appearance of gaiety, bustle, life, and happiness, which would have done good to the heart of the most rigid anchorite. The band commenced, and almost immediately afterwards the vis- ct-vis at the top and bottom were in motion. Mr. Buckram who enter- tained an idea that agility and grace were synonymous in the school of Terpsichore, jumped about like a madman — cutting the most extra- ordinary capers ever seen outside of Kichardson's itinerant theatre — extending his legs and pointing his toes with an affectation calculated to provoke shouts of laughter with any other spectators than intelligent Luminaries — and accompanying the strange evolutions of his body with a series of grimaces which pleasantly varied from the grinning of a baboon to the lugubrious expression of countenance worn by an open-air preacher in league with the swell-mob, for whose behoof he collects a crowd. Miss Belinda Pifpaf was quite delighted with her partner's style of dancing : he was the very man for her — one who was as fond of romping as herself ; and she skipped about like a modern Esmeralda, displaying her well-turned ankles as she bounded up and down just for all the world as if the deck were composed of springing- boards. Captain Pentonville determined to keep the " nobleman " in countenance ; and so he danced away furiously also ; and the band, entering into the spirit of the principal leaders of the quadrille, in- creased the rapidity of the measure. Mrs. Pifpaf was whirled round and round, in spite of her " poor head," with disagreeable speed ; — Mr. Tiptile danced with all his might and main, while perfect Niagaras of perspiration rolled down his cheeks, which he mopped from time to time with a large blue handkerchief; and poor Mr. Smale, although remarkable for the celerity with which he went through the figures of a ledger, was never before whirled so precipitately through those of a quadrille. Still they all laughed, — aye, and merrily and loudly, too ; for all ridiculous ceremony was now laid aside, since his " lordship" and the captain were so very condescending ! The first quadrille terminated without accident ; and the champagne was uncorked. A great deal more laughing, and talking, and joking, then ensued, the champagne producing this effect — that those who par- took of it all laughed, talked, and joked at the same time. The ladies' eyes sparkled as if they had borrowed fresh fire from the generous nectar, which certainly was not calculated to quench that which had THE STEAM PACKET. 81 previously lighted them ; and the gentlemen seemed to grow upon the best possible terms not only with themselves, but with every one else. Again the dance was resumed ; and the ladies all underwent a change with respect to their partners. On this occasion Mr. Pifpaf himself condescended to join in the animated scene ; and the delighted Luminaries beheld their respected leader now conduct to a comfort- able, though somewhat sultry place near the chimney, that same elderly lady, who, on the previous day, had received a glass of brandy-and- water instead of negus. This venerable and respectable dame, albeit she had seen the better side of fifty-five summers, smiled and smirked as well as she was able ; and if she did not " look unutterable things " at her partner, it was probably because she had only one eye to look anything at all with. Mr. Buckram could not contain his mirth when he beheld this interesting couple ; and that feeling was not a little in- creased when he perceived, as soon as the quadrille began, that both Mr. Pifpaf and the dowager were about as intimately acquainted with the figures as a donkey, when he brays, is supposed to be with euphony. Nevertheless, away started the excellent chairman, the moment the symphony was concluded, dragging the fat dowager along with him — his bulbous nose actually shaking with the exertion — and his whole countenance being literally one benignant smile. " Go it, young people ! " shouted a voice from amongst the specta- tors in the forepart of the vessel : " Jim Crow ain't nothin' to it ! There, turn to the right, old lady — how wery orkard you air — hooray for Pifpaf!" Fortunately the dancers were too much occupied with their own employment to pay much attention to these remarks : but Captain Pentonville had a shrewd suspicion whence they came. Meantime Mr. Pifpaf and the dowager had blundered through the first figure somehow or another, and were now in the middle of the second. Just at the moment when the elderly lady was in the act of performing a most graceful pirouette, some one trod upon the sore tail of the little dog already noticed; and the animal sprang, howling and wagging its afflicted member, across the deck. Unfortunately for the poor dow- ager, the luckless animal rushed between her legs ; — she lost her equi- librium — a thing much more easy for her to lose than recover, — and fell heavily upon the deck. Mr. Tiptile, the short and thick-set treasurer, was whirling round, puffing and blowing like a grampus, when he came in contact with the dowager's legs, and lost his own. A scene of great confusion took place ; — the elderly lady's bonnet and cap came off in the sort of scuffle that ensued after Mr. Tiptile's fall ; but the harm would not have been so great, had not the aforesaid bonnet and 82 THE STEAM PACKET. cap dragged the wig along with them, and then Mr. Tiptile's leg dragged all away together. " There 's a vig — dash mine ! " cried the same voice which had been before heard, and concerning which Captain Pentonville entertained a certain shrewd suspicion. " God bless me ! help the lady — here — there — help — help ! " ex- claimed Mr. Pifpaf, running hither and thither in a singular state of be- wilderment, and never once thinking that his object would be answered by just extending a hand towards his late partner in the dance. " My eyes, what a lark ! " cried the sailor at the wheel. " Oh ! how shocking !" said the ladies ; but although they said so, they enjoyed the scene as much as anybody. At length the dowager succeeded in gaining her legs ; and throwing a shawl over her bald head, she rushed franticly towards the ladies' cabin, down the ladder of which she rolled rather than ran, and arrived so suddenly and unceremoniously in the presence of the stewardess, that the good woman imagined for a moment she was visited by a maniac let loose from Bedlam. Fortunately the wig was not irrepa- rably injured; and when the dowager again appeared upon deck, a few moments previous to landing at Dunkirk, Mr. Pifpaf completely mended matters by assuring her that she looked just for all the world as if she wore her own hair, and not a wig. The dancing was put an end to, and the Luminaries dispersed them- selves in little groups over the deck. Of course the Pifpafs were the centre of a somewhat large one in the spot which they usually occu- pied; and now, by some accident, the conversation turned upon music. Mr. Smale was particularly fond of music, and he was also par- ticularly fond of Miss Sarah Pifpaf, to whom he ventured to prefer a request that she would favour " the company " with a song. Captain Pentonville seconded the demand ; and when Lord Noodleton (so deemed) supported it, a refusal became impossible. Miss Sarah accordingly sang^in a pleasant voice, and with some taste, the ensuing stanzas : — SONG. I love the crystal fountain ; I love the bright cascade, That issues from the mountain, And flows into the glade. I love the flashing billow Of dark November's sea, That forms the sailor's pillow, And sings his lullaby. THE STEAM PACKET. 83 i love the mighty ocean ; • I love the gurgling stream : Each ripple with its motion Reflects a cheering gleam. The moon shines on the waters — Those waters that obey (Diana's loving daughters) The goddess on her way.* When in the desert lonely The Arab speeds afar, He seeks for water only Beneath his guiding star. Avaunt 1 delusive Bacchus, In wine-stained garments dressed ! Remorse will ne'er attack us If Temp'rance be our guest. Due applause was bestowed upon this song ; and Miss Sarah at that moment was enabled to appreciate the happy effect of a " finish" in Paris — an advantage of which none present could boast, save herself. After a decent interval, Captain Pentonville was called upon for his vocal contribution to the harmony of the afternoon ; and without much hesitation or bashfulness, the gallant officer complied with the demand made upon him in the following manner : — ADIEU TO ENGLAND ! HAIL TO FRANCE ! Farewell to the cliffs that are white in th' horizon ! — To chivalry's home does our vessel advance : — Before us a blue cloud, the ocean that lies on, Will presently wear the gay aspect of France ! Adieu to the island, where Freedom — a stranger To other climes — long has found refuge and rest : We haste to the land in which warfare and danger Are deemed a delight, and retained as a guest ! The eyes of the sleeper, on sunshine awaking, Are cheered by the dawn when his slumbers are o'er ; — So glimpses of France, on our vision now breaking, Give promise of pleasures ne'er tasted before. Oh ! mem'ry will fly to where fresh scenes await her, And cling to the clime which is new to her yet ; Then blame not the Briton whose heart, proving traitor Awhile in fair France, can Old England forget ! * An allusion to the influence of the moon on the tides of the ocean. G 2 84 THE STEAM PACKET. That heart, like the prodigal, homeward returning From travel amidst the far lands of the earth, With hope, and with joy, and anxiety burning, Will welcome again the sweet isle of its birth. Of proving unfaithful to England then fearless. Our song shall be — " Merrily let us advance ! " Though leaving behind us the land that is peerless :— To England farewell — and all hail to thee, France ! While the last stanza of this song was yet unsung, the tall towers of Dunkirk appeared in the distance, assuming a bold and marked outline amongst the other objects still dimly seen in the blue horizon. Nearer and nearer drew the gallant steam-ship ; and in a short time the coast of France, presenting an uneven and frequently broken range of brown hills, the tops of which were covered with verdure, was dis- tinctly seen by those who crowded the deck of the vessel. Then amidst a break in this rugged outline of strand and shore, that which had hitherto seemed a confused mass of indistinct objects, gradually assumed the shapes of houses, and steeples, and shipping, and fortifica- tions ; — then the immense piers, enclosing a commodious harbour, and well protected by artificial and natural defences, were recognised by our voyagers; — and again a little while, and the forms of sailors, soldiers, and loungers of both sexes were descried moving hither and thither upon those far-stretching jettys. And above all, in the tran- quil air, upon the mighty tower which had first of all caught the eyes of those on board the packet, hung the tri-coloured banner of France — that standard which had displaced the fleur-de-lis of the elder Bourbons ! THE STEAM PACKET. 85 CHAPTER IX. THE LUMINARIES ENJOY A MOST SUMPTUOUS REPAST AT DUNKIRK. A PUBLIC EXECUTION AT MOUNT CASSEL. Dunkirk is a large and well-built town. The streets are wide, nicely paved, and remarkably clean. There is an aristocratic appearance about many of the houses, the architecture of which is generally antique, which gives an air of wealth and import- ance to the place — although for neither need it be indebted to any auxiliary show, as it possesses in reality both those elements of pros- perity. The harbour is extensive and commodious, Dunkirk enjoying a most flourishing maritime trade with the ports of Belgium, and serving as a vent for the northern com- merce of France. The inhabitants speak both French and Flemish — the upper classes usually adopting the former language, and the lower classes the tongue which may be properly called their own. Not- withstanding great activity invariably exists upon the port and in its immediate vicinity, Dunkirk is what is denominated " a dull town," the streets being indifferently filled with passengers, and few loungers appearing in the market-place — that rendezvous of all idlers on the Con- tinent. In the neighbourhood of this town there are some beautiful walks ; and the entrance by the Saint Omers road is very picturesque. The Luminaries landed with about the same precipitation which they had manifested in their debarkation at Margate ; but Mr. Pifpaf was taken somewhat aback, when he found himself confronted by a military-looking person in a green uniform, and sporting a huge pair of mustaches. But fortunately Captain Pentonville was there to re- assure his respected leader, by acquainting him that the military gen- tleman was merely a custom-house officer. Mr. Smale, overhearing this announcement, inquired whether he should not be smoothing matters a little by claiming a species of connexion with the French functionary, on the ground of himself being an English one in the same line : to this, however, Captain Pentonville returned no answer — 86 THE STEAM PACKET. unless indeed a contemptuous shrug of the shoulders might have been intended or taken as one ; and the Luminaries — forty in number — were compelled to proceed, two at a time, into a small weoden house built upon the pier, where they underwent the usual examination. The moment they emerged from the tenement where this scrutiny took place, the ladies in the meantime having been submitted to a similar process in another little wooden cabin, the presiding genius of which was a matron so stout that she could hardly waddle, and the interest of whose appearance was increased by the loss of an eye, — a host of queer-looking men, who acted in the capacity of " touters " to the various hotels of the town, pounced upon our travellers, each recommending at the top of his voice the establishment with which he was connected. " Hotel de Flandres, Messieurs et Dames ! " shouted one burly and red-faced gentleman, much better dressed than the remainder. " Hotel du Chapeau Rouge, Messieurs les Anglais ! " cried another. " Lady and gentelman," said a third, in a most insinuating tone, " me have de honour to represent de famousest hotel wot is in all de town ; and me peak Inglis, that you find vare commode ! " " And if your hotel is like its representative," said Captain Penton- ville, eyeing the commissioner, who seemed to have purloined his wardrobe from the Genius of Seediness himself, " it must be a very nice place." " Pray make haste, and let us choose some hotel to which we can repair," said Mrs. Pifpaf, imploringly; for her bonnet had been squeezed into an acute angle above her forehead, in the pressure of the crowd. " Ah ! do for God's sake ! " murmured the dowager, whose wig had now fallen over her left eyebrow. " The Hotel de Flandres ! the Hotel de Flandres ! " ejaculated Mr. Pifpaf, who, previous to leaving England, had taken care to provide himself with certain necessary little pieces of information relative to inns, &c, from a friend of his who carried on a brisk trade between England and Prance ; but the commercial transactions of this gentle- man were of such a peculiar nature that (probably fearing competition or some other inconvenient interruption) he chose the night-time for the landing of his cargoes, and very judiciously avoided the places that were infested by those common pests of society called excise-officers. " Dis vay — dis vay, lady and gentelman ! " shouted the commissioner of the Hotel de Flandres ; and the Luminaries, having immediately formed themselves into a procession, three deep, passed along the pier towards their destination, — Mr. Pifpaf waiting to see them march by THE STEAM PACKET. 87 him in due order. One would have fancied he saw another Napoleon reviewing another " grand army." The disappointed touters pursued the cavalcade for some time, vainly endeavouring to persuade the Luminaries to change their minds in favour of other hotels; but, finding that they were obstinately bent upon repairing to the Hotel de Flandres (which was in reality the best hotel in the town) they eventually ceased their persecution. While the Luminaries are filing gracefully through the carriage-gate of the Hotel de Flandres, we may take the opportunity to observe, that the hotels of the French provincial towns, and especially in places upon the maritime frontier, are infinitely superior to those with similar pretensions in England. Many of the establishments of Dunkirk, Calais, Boulogne, Dieppe, Havre, &c, are equal to any of the West- End hotels of London ; and at nearly all of them can the traveller obtain a better dinner (if French cookery be to his taste) than at Long's, the Clarendon, Fenton's, or any other fashionable resort of the same standing. The French hotels are spacious and lofty ; they are invariably built in the form of a quadrangle, with a large paved court- yard in the middle for the use of carriages. The interiors are elegantly fitted up and furnished ; and when the English cockney returns home and declares " that French hotels are all very well, but they want the comfort of the English inn," we pronounce him to be one of those silly personages who would rather declare that the works of Demos- thenes smell of the midnight oil, than not find any fault at all. At the meanest inn in France the traveller will be provided with silver spoons and table-napkins — the latter luxury unknown in many estab- lishments of large pretensions in England. Then the English pre- judice which declares French windows and doors to be so badly fixed in their settings that they afford ingress to a perpetual draught, is most absurd and unfounded. The immense extent of French hotels, gene- rally, may be imagined when we assure our readers that many of them can make up from a hundred to a hundred and sixty beds, and supply private sitting-rooms for probably thirty different families. In addi- tion to these accommodations there are the coffee and table-d'htte rooms for all those who choose to use them. It was of one of these apartments that the Luminaries took possession as their parlour ; and it was there that the head waiter proceeded to question Mr. Pifpaf relative to the dinner which the latter was anxious to have served up as soon as possible, the sea air having sharpened his own appetite and that of all his companions, in spite of a good luncheon at one o'clock on board. Now it happened that Captain Pentonville, — being the only one of the whole party who could speak anything like decent French 88 THE STEAM PACKET. at all, and who had on former occasions found out that London French and French French are not quite the same thing, — had proceeded to the Custom-House, with the commissioner of the hotel, to facilitate the passing of the luggage; and Mr. Pifpaf was therefore compelled to call in the services of his daughter Sarah. But although Miss Sarah had been finished in Paris, she had only been to an English boarding- school there ; and her knowledge of the French language was about as vague and uncertain as that of the theorist relative to the interior of the earth. The waiter himself spoke English very imperfectly ; and the commissioner, who might have acted as interpreter, had accom- panied Captain Pentonville to the Custom-House. Fortunately Miss Sarah Pifpaf had her dictionary ; and upon this did the worthy chair- man pounce with an air of triumph. " I should like, amongst other things," said Mr. Pifpaf, turning over the dictionary, " a racepieu de bpeuf" {pieu being the French word for stake ; — Mr. Pifpaf having forgotten in the excitement of the moment that the word was spelt steak, and that the other meant a piece of wood). The waiter stared at him with a look of stupid astonishment, which Mr. Pifpaf returned with another of astonished stupidity. " And then," at length continued the chairman, after having referred once more to his dictionary, " let us have some culottes de veau, because I am very fond of them." "Culottes de veau!"" shouted the waiter; "culottes mean de breeches, sare — it be cotelettes that Monsieur would have." "Ah! very well," said Mr. Pifpaf, looking somewhat confused. " And, I say, waiter — have you got any — any — brun robuste ? " he added, after a third reference to the dictionary. Now the words " brown stout " in English will not exactly bear translation by means of the French words brun and robuste, although the former certainly means a colour, and the latter expresses " stout," but in the sense in which it is applied to a gentleman or lady's figure ; and therefore when Mr. Pifpaf achieved this last blunder, the waiter shrugged up his shoulders in despair. " Ah ! well," cried the chairman of the Luminaries, " I must leave it all to you — I see I must. Get the best dinner you can, and serve it up as soon as possible." The waiter comprehended this, and disappeared to execute the sumptuous order thus communicated to him. In due time the repast was served up — and an excellent one it was, too. This being the first d inner which the Luminaries had yet tasted upon French ground, and as everything connected with the proceed- THE STEAM PACKET. 89 ings of this memorable excursion must prove interesting to our readers, we shall detail the various dishes submitted to their inspection, and the order in which they made their appearance. There were six dif- ferent sorts of soups, viz. — julienne, vermicelli, sorrel, milk, fowl and rice, and macaroni. The first course consisted of bouilli (the beef which had been boiled in the soup), calves' heads en tortue, legs and quarters of lamb, fried soles, turbots, eels en matelotte, and beef- steaks with water-cresses. The second course was composed of several dishes oifricandeau de veau (veal, larded, partly roasted, and then served with a peculiar gravy), a ragout of various mixed meats, fillet of beef with Madeira sauce, beefsteaks with anchovy sauce, kidneys stewed in champagne sauce with truffles, veal sweetbreads with tomata sauce, sheeps' feet with a very rich gravy, vegetable pies, stewed ducks with mashed green peas accompanying, and calves' tongues with Italian sauce. The third course consisted of roasted hares, red-legged par- tridges, boiled capons with gravy, turkeys stuffed with truffles, fowl fritters, broiled pigeons, ducklings with olives, a frog-pie, quails, larks, and partridges stewed with cabbages. The fourth course was composed entirely of vegetables and pastry : amongst the former were scolloped mushrooms, fried celery, lettuce in gravy, beans with cream, fried salsifis, and truffles in champagne wine; — amongst the latter were sweet omelettes, peach fritters, apricot tarts, and dishes of caked rice. The cheese and dessert followed, comprehending all kinds of jellies, marmalades, cates, fruit, and preserves. These dainties, washed down by divers sorts of wine selected from a list containing about sixty different species, red and white, home and foreign, were sufficient to tempt the appetite of an Apicius, much less that of forty hungry Lumin- aries and their female companions. And in sooth, justice was done to this excellent repast, although Mr. Tiptile did entertain certain misgivings as to the enormous amount to which the reckoning was likely to reach ; for he could not form any other idea of price, in connexion with such a dinner, than at least two guineas a head. We may therefore here observe, for the behoof of the reader, that great was this gentleman's astonishment, when the bills were paid, to find that ten francs a-piece (or eight shillings and four- pence in English money) settled for dinner, wine, and all. However — with the exception of a slight mistake made by the old dowager, who declared that the truffled turkeys seemed to her to be stuffed with small pieces of India-rubber — nothing occurred during that sumptuous repast worthy of relating ; and therefore we shall pass on to the next event which it is our purpose to record. Captain Pentonville learnt, during a few minutes' chat with the 90 THE STEAM PACKET. landlord of the hotel after dinner, that a public execution was to take place at Mount Cassel on the following morning at eight o'clock ; and having ascertained that this town was only twelve or fourteen miles from Dunkirk, he determined to be a spectator of that last act of human justice. He accordingly communicated the intelligence to the Lumin- aries ; and several of them declared their intention of visiting Cassel upon the occasion. Mr. Pifpaf declined to be of the party; but Mr. Buckram was overjoyed at the prospect of gratifying that mor- bid feeling of curiosity which he possessed in common with so many of his companions; and arrangements for the projected trip were accordingly made. Vehicles were ordered ; and it was settled that the party should start at five in the morning, in order to reach Cassel in time for breakfast, previous to the dread hour when a living being was to be expelled by his fellow-creatures from that sphere to which no human agency could ever call him back. The Luminaries retired early to their respective couches ; and at the appointed hour, on the ensuing morning, the noise of wheels in the vast courtyard of the hotel was followed by the appearance in the same place of those who had engaged to visit Mount Cassel. About a dozen gentlemen, altogether, formed the party, for the conveyance of which two chaises were sufficient. Captain Pentonville, having lighted his cigar and handed another to Buckram (they both sate on the outside of the vehicle), gave the signal, and the procession moved away. The road from Dunkirk to Mount Cassel is in many places not only pretty in respect to the country through which it passes, but also with regard to the distant scenery of which it affords points of view. The hills of Belgium, the broad canals, the woods in the neighbourhood of Bergues, and the beautiful farms and gardens which are seen in the vicinity of Cassel, formed, far and near, a panorama of natural love- liness which the most indifferent could not gaze upon without a feeling of delight. There was nothing to operate as a drawback upon those smiles of nature — the weather being as fair, and the sky as cloudless, as upon the preceding day. The murmuring streams were heard through the trees which at certain points skirted the road ; and beyond were gentle outlines of those undulating hills, upon which the still green harvests were waving, or the green groves shading the rural habitations of the agriculturists. Now and then the noisy laugh of the neighbouring rustics, or the merry wayfarers, would pierce the air ; and once or twice the vehicles of our travellers were compelled to seek the side of the road to allow the cumbrous diligence to pass upon the pavement in the centre. When the carriages were within about three or four miles of THE STEAM PACKET. 91 Mount Cassel, which was already visible in the distance, a couple of sturdy-looking fellows, with blue smocks on their bodies, and huge sticks in their hands, suddenly crossed the road, followed by five or six dogs of a peculiar appearance. At the same moment two mounted gendarmes appeared in sight at an angle of the road ; their bright sabre-sheaths, the trappings of their strong black horses, and their silver lace glittering in the rays of the morning sun. The moment the two men in the blue smocks beheld the police-officers, they shook their sticks at them in a menacing manner, and then, pointing to their dogs, burst out into an ironical laugh. The gendarmes nodded their heads contemptuously and pursued their way ; while the men struck into the fields which lay between the road and the Belgian frontier. Captain Pentonville had observed all that we have just related ; and he now sought an explanation of the driver of the vehicle outside of which he was seated. The substance of the man's answer was as follows : — " Those two men with the blue smocks, sir, are smugglers ; and the gendarmes belong to the corps organised for the protection of the frontiers of the Department of the North, which joins Belgium. The smugglers import into France immense quantities of Belgian tobacco, which is considered to be better than our own : at all events it meets with a more ready sale. But the way in which the contraband system is carried on is extraordinary. Those smugglers seldom visit Belgium themselves : they train their dogs in a certain manner, so that those poor dumb animals act the parts of go-between. The moment they get to within a mile or two of the frontier, those dogs are fed and caressed, and then sent into Belgium to some particular point, with which their instinct has made them familiar from practice. Arrived at that point, some Belgian confederates tie immense packages of tobacco upon the backs and under the bellies of the dogs, and then start them home again. By these means the customs are plundered to an immense extent ; and the principal agents in the fraud are seldom discovered. The two men whom we saw just now are contrabandists ; but, as you perceived, they laugh at the gendarmes, whom they defy to bring the crime home to them." Scarcely was this explanation given when the height of Mount Cassel developed itself in bold outline in the horizon. A number of large windmills upon the summit of the hill met the eyes of our travellers ; and as they advanced more nearly towards the place of their destination, the beauty of the adjacent country and distant scenery seemed to borrow new charms. At length, just as the clock of the town struck seven, the vehicles rolled along that part of the road which runs round the northern base of the lofty mountain ; and in ten minutes more they 92 THE STKAM PACKET. stopped at the gate of the Hotel d'Angleterre. This establishment is situate upon the Grande Place, or Market-Place, on which an immense crowd had already assembled ; and, in the midst of that multitude, rose high in the air the beams and axe of the dread engine of slaughter which had been erected to wreak the vengeance of the law upon a criminal. The morning was now delightful in the extreme ; — but never more were the seasons and their changes to shed joy upon the soul of the doomed one ; — never again would it be his in this life to mark the ingress of one, or the egress of another ! Spring, which is so charm- ing, with its soft mornings, and buds and blossoms, when earth has shaken off the icy hand of winter ; — Summer, so pleasant with its bright evenings and flowers, and rural scenes, and excursions ; — Autumn, so delicious with its golden days, each one of which we could cleave to for ever ; when the fields are heavy with the yellow harvest, and the gardens hang ruddy with fruits, and the sun, shorn of his fiery beams, is succeeded at night by the harvest-moon; — and then old Winter, offer- ing his bright fire-side, with pleasant friends or pleasant books ; when, in spite of the freezing air without, the flow of soul gushes most sparkling within ; so that while its chilling breath may blight all nature without, yet it is powerless upon the heart and soul of man ;• — all these seasons, with their changes and their varied blessings, were now as nothing in respect to that wretched man who was hovering upon the verge of eternity : unless, indeed, that cold winter which stands last upon our list, be taken as an affecting type of the other winter now about to follow — that long, cold, freezing winter in which no man can work ! The preparations for the dread tragedy of the morning did not rob the Luminaries of their appetite. An excellent breakfast was speedily served up at the Hotel d'Angleterre ; and, " as the gentlemen had come all the way from Dunkirk on purpose to see the man guillotined," the landlord very graciously kept the best windows of his establishment vacant for them. The meal was discussed — the time passed rapidly away — and at length the chimes of the neighbouring church clock pro- claimed half-past seven ! The visitors now repaired to the windows so kindly retained for them, and which commanded a full view of the scene of death. The criminal, it appeared, had been convicted of a heinous offence — that of murder, accompanied by robbery, and other violence of an infamous nature in respect to a poor girl who had acted in the capa- city of servant to the deceased. The victim of the assassination was a small farmer residing in the neighbourhood of Mount Cassel, upon THE STEAM PACKET. 93 the estate of the Count de Vendamme ; and the perpetrator of the dreadful action was the farmer's nephew — a dissolute, wild, and incor- rigible young man of only three-and-twenty. He had been arrested a few days after the murder, and in course of time tried at Hazebrouck, where he was found guilty. The sentence was death. The culprit appealed unsuccessfully to the Court of Cassation, by which tribunal the former judgment was confirmed, and the day of execution had now arrived. The prisoner had been transferred on the previous evening from the prison of Hazebrouck to that of Mount Cassel, at which latter town the execution was ordered to take place, the crime having been perpetrated in the vicinity. At a quarter to eight o'clock the bell of the church began to toll. By this time the entire market-place was thronged with spectators ; and every window commanding a view of the scene was crowded with human heads. Five thousand pair of eyes seemed to have made the scaffold the focus to which all their visual rays were directed. But there was no improper conduct amongst that living ocean, which appeared as if it had come to dash its waves against the guillotine — that dread and mysterious lighthouse erected there to warn away the giddy mariner from the shoals and sunken rocks of life ! There was a busy hum — a murmuring sound — like the whispering of myriads of voices ; — but there were no indecent cries — no querulous ejaculations — no profane talk — no ribald jokes — no snatches of flash songs — no loud and boisterous laughter. The deportment of the multitudes in the market-place below was as respectable and decent as that of the better classes who occupied the windows of the dwellings overlook- ing it. It was now three minutes to eight, and a breathless silence suddenly prevailed — like that sudden and awe-inspiring lulling of the breeze upon the ocean just before the wing of the hurricane sweeps over its surface. That silence was broken by the chant of sacred hymns ; and the spectators in the hotel could now descry the funeral cavalcade slowly approaching from the farther extremity of the Grande Place. At first it seemed a dark line of persons, whose sombre uniformity was broken by the white robes of two priests ; — but as the mournful pro- cession drew gradually nearer and nearer, the eyes of our travellers could distinguish the tall and martial forms of the gendarmes with their drawn swords — the figures of the usher of the court which con- demned the prisoner, the gaoler, the commissary of police, the mayor, and other civic authorities — and amidst them all the person of that young and luckless man for whom all this parade, ceremony, interest, anxiety, curiosity, and assembly of multitudes had taken place. Oh ! 94 THE STEAM PACKET. say not that one life is nothing in the great chain of creation: — the doom of one miserable being, who had never done a good action in his life, and who had hitherto dragged on a grovelling existence un- noticed and unknown, had caused the neighbouring towns and villages to pour forth their crowds, had set the men of justice and the men of the sword to work, and had collected all together in one point on this fatal morning ! No insult was offered to the prisoner as he passed slowly along the passage opened for him by the crowd ; — but if there were no public de- monstration calculated to wound him, there was also an absence of any kind sympathy tending to cheer him. A deep, a stern, a solemn, a religious silence was maintained by the multitude, as the malefactor, attended by the two priests, dragged himself to the foot of the guillo- tine. At that moment the executioner, attended by his two assistants, appeared upon the scaffold. He lowered the axe, tried its edge, and then greased the grooves, in which it worked up and down, with apiece of candle. The gendarmes helped the condemned one up the steps to the platform : his face was colourless, and upon it could death impress no more hideous expression, nor throw a more ashy pallor than it already wore. His legs almost refused to perform their office ; his hands were clasped together, in bitter — bitter agony of mind ; — but his eyeballs seemed dead and lustreless, although his brain was at that moment the seat of such appalling — such withering — such light- ning-blasting thoughts ! Oh ! who may say what agonies were experienced by that young man during the few moments he stood upon the platform of the guil- lotine, while the executioner's assistants bound him to the fatal plank ? Who shall decide whether that short interval of ineffable horror were not meet expiation for even the dread crime of which he had been guilty ? Oh ! too dread subject for contemplation, if mortal have ex- ceeded the trust reposed in him, and flown in the face of his Maker by taking away, even under the semblance and sanction of human justice, the lives of those who are created in that Maker's image ! The dread preparations were completed ; — the criminal was bound powerless to a plank, which was then lowered to a horizontal position, and shoved onward until the head of the miserable man fitted into a hollow in a block of wood, perpendicularly placed beneath the hatchet. Another block of wood, also with a semicircular hollowing, was drawn down above his neck, so that his head was now fixed in a hole resem- bling those of the stocks. The priests leant forward to whisper the last consolation of man in the malefactor's ears, and, all being ready, the executioner pulled a string which let the fatal axe loose. Down — THE STEAM PACKET. 95 down the newly-greased grooves it fell, quick as the eye can wink ; and the head was here — and the trunk was there ! And then the crowds began to disperse — but less rapidly than they had assembled ; and one by one the spectators withdrew their heads from the windows, — and the casements themselves were closed, or had their curtains drawn down, — and in an hour after the execution not a trace of that supreme act of the law was left — no, not even the blood of the criminal upon the pavement, nor a rafter of the guillotine in the market-place. CHAPTER X. IN WHICH ARE RECORDED THE PARTICULARS OF A VISIT TO A BEAU- TIFUL MUSEUM OF CURIOSITIES AT MOUNT CASSEL. A TRIP TO ST. OMERS. The small town or village (the French seldom distinguish between the appellations) of Mount Cassel stands upon the southern acclivity of a steep hill, the base of which is three or four miles in circum- ference. From the summit of the height a most beautiful view is ob- tained ; and the eye catches several important features of interest in the extensive landscape spread all around. Upon a very clear day the sea in the neighbourhood of Dunkirk is easily discerned : the strong and ancient town of St. Omers is discovered in the midst of a vast plain to the south-west ; and in a north-easterly direction glimpses may be caught of the far-off towers of Ypres and Poperingue, the former of which is one of the best fortified places in Belgium. In the same neighbourhood may be seen the ruins of a monastery of the order of La Trappe — a religious fraternity remarkable for the ascetic habits and severe discipline practised by its votaries. All these various fea- tures were pointed out to the Luminaries by a commissioner belonging to the Hotel dAngleterre, and who accompanied them in their ramble to view the " lions" of Mount Cassel. " From dis pint of de view, gentelmen, you may obtain vary good si^ht of tree grand kingdom!" said the self-sufficient commissioner. " And pray which may they be?" demanded Captain Pentonville. " Here be de France," was the reply, delivered with immense so- lemnity • " and dis you know de greatest kingdom on de face of von airth. Den dare be de kingdom of de Belgique — a vary pretty ittle 96 THE STEAM PACKET. kingdom, vich France swallow up at de von mouthful if she do choose." " Well," said Captain Pentonville, " and where is your third kingdom?" . " Dat is de JShgdom of heaven ! " answered the commissioner, pointing upwards with the most imperturbable gravity. A burst of laughter succeeded this explanation ; but the commis- sioner, had he been as honest as he was communicative and garrulous, might have added that he had perpetrated the same joke almost every day during the preceding quarter of a century. Mount Cassel is probably the cheapest place of residence in the northern part of France. Several English gentlemen have lived at the Hotel d'Angleterre for marly years; enjoying board, lodging, and all requisite comforts, for the small monthly stipend of a hundred francs — or four pounds sterling. The table-d'hdte dinners at the Hotel d'An- gleterre are not surpassed by those of any country-town inn in that part of France; and as the adjacent canals and streams abound in fish, a liberal supply of that delicious esculent is invariably provided. The inhabitants of Mount Cassel — and indeed of all the Department of the North, in which the town is situate — speak Flemish upon ordinary occa- sions ; and such harmonious and easily-spelt names as Vanderplanck, Bekerlynck, Veraeghe, &c, may be seen upon the shop-fronts, form- ing a remarkable contrast to the euphonious French ones to which the traveller is accustomed. The Flemings are a brave people ; but the French entertain a very mean opinion of the Belgians : indeed, upon one occasion, when the " braves Beiges " understood that a Dutch army was approaching, they ran away with such precipitation that they not only left their ammunition and baggage behind them, but also their hats and shoes. While Captain Pentonville, Mr. Buckram, and the other Luminaries, attended by Mr. Thomas Gibbins, were admiring the surrounding scenery from the height on which they were posted, a little old gentle- man, dressed in a suit of most uncommonly seedy black, and carrying a large red eagle-shaped beak protruding from his face, advanced towards them, and addressed them in the most courteous manner in their own language : indeed the diminutive elderly gentleman was an Englishman himself, although, as he afterwards observed, a residence of twenty years at Cassel had almost naturalised him in France. *' Beautiful view, gentlemen — beautiful view ! " said the little old man, rubbing his hands joyfully together. "Very, indeed, sir," returned Captain Pentonville. "I presume you are a traveller, like ourselves, and are come to enjoy this fine prospect?" MR. EMANS HAS JUST PUBLISHED THE FOLLOWING NEW AND POPULAR WORKS :— I. Complete in One Vol. pp. 594, Price Sixteen Shillings, embellished with Sixteen beautiful Steel Engravings, for in Fifteen Parts, Price One Shilling each,) — MASTER TIMOTHY'S BOOK-CASE. By G. W. M. REYNOLDS, AUTHOR OF " PICKWICK ABROAD," " MODERN LITERATURE OF FRANCE," "ROBERT MACAIRE," &C. « We have frequently had occasion to speak favourably of the writings of this author ; and we see no reason in the work before us for changing that opinion. Part I. of ' Master Timothy's Book-Case ' contains forty pages of letter-press and two beautiful steel engravings, and is sold at the usual price of one shilling. At that rate it is de- cidedly one of the cheapest works of the day ; and its intrinsic merits will doubtless aid not a little in procuring for it an adequate share of public patronage. The design of the tale is singular : the hero, Sir Edmund Mortimer, becomes possessed of a magic book- case, which reveals to him all the secrets and mysteries of human life. The chief aim of Mr. Reynolds in this work seems to involve his hero in a series of doubts and mysti- fication ; and, when his curiosity and suspense are worked up to the highest pitch, he appeals to the book-case, and the truth is immediately made apparent. That which at first sight appeared virtuous, turns out to be vicious ; seeming injustice proves to be justice ; and every thing turns out in a contrary manner from what either the hero or the reader of the tale anticipate. We are told in the Preface that ' one of the principal aims of the author, is to illustrate the truth of the ancient aphorism that we should never trust to appearances.'' The interest of the reader is most acutely excited ; and he must lay down this first Part with a wish to become acquainted with the next. We perceive by the Preface, that in the course of forthcoming Parts the story of Madame Laffarge and the historical subject of the Man with the Iron Mask are to form episodes in the tale. The plot is ingenious and original ; for, although, from the title, the reader might imagine that it is an imitation of ' Master Humphrey's Clock,' we can vouch that no similitude of design is apparent in the tale now before us." — Dispatch, July 4th, 1841. II. Complete in One Vol. pp. 672, Price Fifteen Shillings, embellished with Fourteen beautiful Steel Engravings, (or in Fourteen Parts, Price One Shilling each,) — THE FORTUNE TELLER; OR, THE HEIR OF HAZELMORE. By EUPHEMIA GERALDINE WALKER, AUTHOR OF "THE CHILD OF TWO FATHERS," &C. &C " We have no hesitation in strongly advising the perusal of this work to our readers- old or young — grave or sad." — Chambers's London Journal, Feb. 11th, 1843. THOMS, PRINTER AND STBRBOTTFBR, WARWICK SQUARI, Part 4 Price Is. THOMS, PB1NTBR,] [WARWICK 8QUAM- Jffl.fin-es-ffi- » ^^^€X/^/ y sf.^S^*\y>?/ / -i ,_' '///// '> T/1-ne.fi . /„., n c7&!'f*»<* -A zaautwJr THE STEAM PACKET. 97 *' No such thing, sir — no such thing ! " cried the old gentleman : * I am a resident, sir — a resident — a twenty years' resident in Mount Cassel, at the Widow Vandermissen's house, where I lodge, where I board, and where I have my museum." " Your museum, sir ? " said the captain, inquiringly. " Yes, sir, — my museum," returned the old gentleman. " Is there anything extraordinary, sir, in my having a museum, sir ? Sir Hans Soane had his museum, — and why may not Mr. Terence Smiggs have his?" "That is your name, I presume, sir?" said the captain, who acted as spokesman for the whole company. " Precisely, sir. I inherited it from my father, sir — together with other matters — such as property of various kinds, sir. Amongst the personal property, sir, I may say that my nose was my late father's to a nicety " " Then you wos vithout von at all, 'spose, till he hopped the twig and left you his'n ? " cried a voice from the rear. " Silence, Tom! " said Captain Pentonville, with difficulty suppress- ing his inclination to indulge in a hearty laugh at the old gentleman's expense : then, in a conciliating tone, he added, — " Would it be en- croaching upon your kindness to allow us to visit your museum ? We intend to quit Cassel presently, and should be sorry to depart without having inspected everything worth seeing." " I should have proposed it — I should have proposed it, sir! " ejacu- lated Mr. Terence Smiggs, taking a curiously-contrived snuff-box from his pocket, and helping himself to a huge pinch of the exciting dust. " Follow me, gentlemen — follow me! " With these words he led the way at a rapid rate down the hill, and conducted the party to his abode in the market-place. Having ob- tained his key from a lady who dispensed sausages, pigs'-feet, and other delicacies in a shop on the ground-floor, and who, he informed Captain Pentonville in a mysterious whisper, was Madame Vander- missen, he proceeded up a narrow, steep, and dark flight of stairs to a room, the door of which he opened after a great deal of fumbling about with the lock. The visitors were then introduced into the museum — an apartment twenty-five feet long by sixteen broad, and therefore not quite so ex- tensive as the galleries of the one in Great Russell Street, Bloomsbury., But what the museum of Mr. Terence Smiggs wanted in extent, it very probably made up in interest. The walls were ornamented with about a dozen paintings of old ladies and gentlemen, who seemed to have belonged to the Smiggs family some centuries ago, although the H 98 THE STEAM PACKET. present representative of that respectable race assured the Lumin- aries that the portraits were those of certain illustrious warriors and statesmen, whom he named, and that he " knew for a fact," that they were Eubens, Titians, and Kembrandts. Indeed, the old gentleman nearly went into ecstacies of joy, when Captain Pentonville gravely assured him that one particular portrait, whose eyes had both been poked out by some mischievous boy's fingers, was a real Titian, as he (Captain Pentonville) had seen a copy of it in the palace of the Tuil- eries some years previously. Then there were some landscapes of a peculiar smoky and dirty appearance, and which in consequence had been pronounced by friendly connoisseurs to be the genuine works of Teniers, Claude, and Ruysdael. There were also three or four por- traits in an adjacent closet — portraits of ancient ladies and gentlemen, with glaring red and white cheeks, and stony blue eyes, that at the first glance chilled through the gazer like an east wind. These were declared, " upon the virtuoso's honour," to be all veritable Vandykes, and Raphaels, — supposed so probably from the fact, that they looked as little like the works of those immortal artists as it was possible for a bad painter with bad materials to make them. In addition to these invaluable paintings, Mr. Terence Smiggs pos- sessed a stuffed owl, monkey, and large lizard, (which the virtuoso de- clared to be a baby crocodile of peculiar species) ; several snakes (origi- nally caught under a hedge in the neighbouring fields) in glass bottles, and said to be reptiles from India, America, and Africa ; a number of shells picked up on the shore between Dunkirk and Gravelines ; together with all manner of unknown and unknowable curiosities from the four quarters of the world, including of course that article indispensable to all well-regulated museums, ? the identical club with which the renowned Captain Cook was killed at Owhyhee." The son of the Widow Vandermissen— a youth of about fourteen, had been peculiarly active in securing rubbish for this collection, which, by the way, he must have done from sheer love of science, as he never received any remuneration for his pains, save a permanent admission- ticket to the museum, — a favour which he shared in common with the other acquaintance of Mr. Smiggs. " Now, gentlemen," said the virtuoso, glancing around his museum with an air of the most complete satisfaction ; " what do you think of my collection ? " " Quite delightful, my dear sir ! " exclaimed Captain Pentonville, who was turning over in his mind the possibility of diverting himself and his companions at the expense of Mr. Smiggs. " But pray what is this coil of rope in the glass case ? " THE STEAM PACKET. 99 " Oh ! coil of rope — Number 103 in catalogue," cried the vir- tuoso ; " why that is the very identical cord with which Greenacre was hanged." " Indeed ! " said the captain ; " how singular ! and this little thing here ? " '1 That ? " cried Mr. Smiggs ; " oh ! that is one of Jack Sheppard's teeth ! " " Curious ! " observed the captain — but whether he meant that it was curious for Mr. John Sheppard to have been endowed with teeth, or that one of them should have fallen into the possession of Mr. Smiggs, we cannot determine. "And this hair ?" inquired Mr. Buckram, pointing to the object which had excited his curiosity. " A lock cut off the head of the man who was guillotined this morn- ing, my lord," answered the virtuoso, who had heard the tailor receive that title from his companions, and felt highly honoured to think that a nobleman should condescend to visit his collection. " And this pen ? " asked a Luminary, who, not seeing any differ- ence between that pen and any other pen, could not conceive why it should deserve a place, amongst other rare objects, (especially Green- acre's rope) in the large glass case. " Ah ! that pen, indeed ! " said the virtuoso, with a mysterious shake of the head ; " that pen was the one with which Napoleon wrote his first love-letter to Josephine, when she was the mistress of Barras." The countenance of the Luminary, who had asked the question which evoked this highly satisfactory answer, immediately assumed an expression of becoming respect and deep solemnity. " And wot 's that there old statty, with a shillelah in his fist and a lion's hide chucked over his shoulder?" demanded Tom Gibbins, thrusting a stick forward as he spoke, in order to indicate the object concerning which he made the inquiry ; but in so doing, he received an accidental push from some Luminary behind him, and the point of the stick broke off the statue's nose. " My Hercules! my Hercules ! my dear — venerated, respected Her- cules!" ejaculated Mr. Smiggs, as the nasal promontory dropped at his feet ; " a statue that came from Pompeii — and for which I gave — fifteen — yes — fifteen francs ! " " Fifteen gammons ! " bawled Mr. Gibbins ; " vy, I could get jist as good a von in London at the Italian statty manufackturs for two bob and a bender.'' " Out, ruffian ! " cried the incensed virtuoso ; " pollute not the sanctuary of science with your unhallowed presence ! Out — avaunt ! " h 2 100 THE STEAM PACKET. and the little gentleman absolutely foamed with rage, while the Lumin- aries stood by, enjoying the scene. " Yes — I 'm a goin'," said Mr. Gibbins, coolly ; " cos I 'm wery much afeard as how you '11 catch hold o' me, put a label on my buz- zim, stick me upright in a glass case, and swear I 'm the Hemperor o' China, the King o' the Cannibal Islands, or some such feller. But as for that there statty, I say that it never come from Pompey at all, but was made in Leather Lane, Ho'born ; and blowed if there ain't the name too!" As he uttered these last words, Tom very coolly turned the image in such a way that the name and address of the maker, which were scrawled in the inner side of the hollow pedestal upon which the Her- cules stood, were exposed to view. Captain Pentonville, Mr. Buck- ram, and the Luminaries generally, could restrain themselves no longer ; they burst out into a loud and hearty shout of laughter. The virtuoso's rage now knew no bounds. He seized the club which had killed Captain Cook, and darted upon Tom Gibbins with the fury of an incensed tiger ; but as that prudent young man slipt nimbly out of the way, the violence of the club fell upon the head of the devoted Hercules, which it instantly smashed to atoms. The foot of Mr. Smiggs slipped at the same moment ; and he rolled upon the floor, amongst the wrecks of Hercules, who, in all probability, was never so discomfited before. The Luminaries took advantage of the fall of the virtuoso to escape from the apartment ; and as they rushed down stairs one after the other, like a troop of wild horses, Mr. Thomas Gibbins bawled out a kind and consolatory recommendation to Mr. Terence Smiggs " to pick up the pieces ! " The squadron, or rather detachment of Luminaries, having seen as much of Mount Cassel as they chose, resolved upon proceeding to Saint Omers — a distance of only fifteen miles, — passing the night there, and returning to Dunkirk upon the following day. The horses were ordered, the bills were paid, and the cavalcade once more set out, each gentleman having previously inscribed his name in a book kept for the purpose at the Hotel d' Angleterre, and which said book is duly paraded before every visitor to that hostel, in order to convince him of the successful rivalry which it sustains with the Hotel de Belle Vue on the opposite side of the market-place. The book was accordingly enriched with the nomenclatures of Captain Pentonville, Lord Noodle- ton, Thomas Gibbins, and others ; and the landlord and lady were highly delighted with this great accession of testimonials in favour of their house. The road from Mount Cassel to Saint Omers is by no means so THE STEAM 1'ACKET. 101 beautiful or picturesque as that between the former town and Dun- kirk ; and in many places the country is comparatively barren. Here and there, however, the road runs through splendid avenues of trees, which afford a most grateful shade in the scorching heat of summer, and a great protection from the cold winds of winter. The peasants in this part of the country are noted for their civility and hospitality ; and their habitations, scattered here and there, and seldom collected into small villages or hamlets, are pretty, and give every outward promise of inward comfort. The women, with their conical but beautifully white caps, run from their humble dwellings as the vehicles pass along the road, to allow their children an opportunity of beholding the equi- pages ; and should the pedestrian traveller desire the refreshment of milk, beer, or eau-de-vie, it is with the greatest difficulty that payment can be forced upon those who award the hospitality solicited. Indeed, in few parts of France is the peasantry more happy ; and their rural contentment is not a mere poet's dream. We talk of the confinements of labour, — the daily toil and dull routine of the same pursuits ; but we question whether the inmates of those humble cottages envy the inhabitants of great towns. They probably suspect that there is no thraldom so hard as that of fashion. The king is the greatest slave on earth. He can only wear certain garments, and must appear at certain intervals in a certain manner. He must walk just so, and not otherwise ; ride at a prescribed pace, and keep up a certain dignity. The queen cannot surrender herself to her feelings as the village maiden can ; it would be unseemly in her to undress herself or put on her own clothes. She can have no soli- tude, no nature, no repose. Both king and queen move in one eternal round of state, to which' nothing is so near alike as a horse in a mill. As we descend from this rank, the sphere of liberty is -enlarged : the wealthy commoner enjoys more than the noble ; the tradesman more than the rich nabob ; until we come to those who enjoy the largest liberty of all — those who draw their support from the bosom of mother Nature, who regulate their hours by the clock-work of the heavens,— rising with the sun — reposing when he seems to stand still, as he does at noon — going to sleep when he sinks out of sight, — earning rest by labour, hunger by abstinence, and health and happiness by all. Our travellers scarcely obtained a view of Saint Omers until they were almost close under its walls, inasmuch as, like all the best forti- fied towns of France, it lies very low, the systems of Vauban and Cormontaigne advocating that characteristic of artificial defences. The place itself is very ancient, and irregularly built, and is so noted for its dullness, that a celebrated French wag once chalked upon a 102 THE STEAM PACKET. dead wall near the church — "This town to let." Nevertheless, several very wealthy and aristocratic families reside at Saint Omers ; but their carriages, with the arms blazoned all over the panels, and the antiquated liveries of the servants attending them, rather recall to the mind of the beholder the equipages which were used about a hundred years ago, and of which there are many curious pictorial representa- tions, than induce him to believe that they are the accessories of modern comfort and fashion. The Luminaries drove to the Hotel du Canon d'Or, to which they had been recommended by the landlord of the Hotel d'Angleterre at Mount Cassel ; and, as is usual in French inns, they found that an excellent dinner could be served up to them in about half an hour after their arrival. No sooner was it hinted abroad that the Earl of Noodleton, of Diddleham Hall, Notown, had just alighted at the Canon d'Or Hotel, than all the English residents in Saint Omers flocked thither to obtain a sight of his lordship ; and as it was reported that he journeyed incognito, with a party of friends belonging to one of the most learned Societies in the world, the curiosity to behold hini and his companions became the greater. But Mr. Gibbins stationed himself in the anteroom, leading to the dining-saloon, and obstinately denied farther ingress to all comers. " Pray present my card to his lordship," said a little, stout, red-faced English gentleman, of about fifty, " and acquaint his lordship that I once acted as Vice at a dinner at which his noble father presided, and which was given to celebrate the resignation of the Lath-and- Plaster Ministry." " I 'd rayther not encumber myself vith the dispatch, although it 's a wery pretty card, nicely printed, and all that," said Mr. Gibbins, coolly folding his arms in the little gentleman's face. " Here, my good fellow," whispered another subject of the British sovereign, and who seemed to be at variance with his washerwoman, if the colour of his shirt could be taken as a criterion, "just present this letter to his lordship — only a little petition — my brother's in quod here for debt, you see — and I '11 divide with you anything he chooses to give me. You can manage it — there 's a good fellow — I know ! " " Indeed, I 'm wery much afeard his lordship is too busy with the eatables an' drinkables at this here partickler moment, to bother his right honourable head about them there matters o' your'n," said Mr. Gibbins ; and he manfully retained his post in the doorway in spite of the petitioner's pushing and hustling. " My good young man," said a prim, sleek, and oily-looking English gentleman, attired in a deep suit of black, " have the kindness to open THE STEAM PACKET. 103 the way that I may forthwith repair into the presence of your master, who sitteth in the high places ; forasmuch as it hath become me to wait upon his lordship, to solicit his gracious favour, and even his donation, in behalf of the Zion Chapel, which myself and a few friends, religiously disposed — although sinful vessels in the eyes of the Lord — have set up. And, my good young man, do this, and it shall be well for thee here and " " Veil, blowed if I ain't a precious good mind to let you go in, old feller," interrupted Tom, " if it was only for the lark. But I doesn't know how his lordship would take it — 'specially ven he 's over his bottle." "Ah! the fleshpots of Egypt!" ejaculated the minister, turning his eyes up to heaven ; " ah ! the ungodly vessels — the unsavoury offerings ! Albeit, young man — " K " Come, come, — there 's enow o' that ere gammon," cried Tom : *' you von't come in — none on ye von't — nor you — nor you — nor you — nor you ! So be off vith ye, my fine fellers, and I '11 tell his lordship o' your civility ven he 's done writing his despatches for the Prime Minister and the Archbishop o' Canterbury to-morrow mornin'." In this way did Mr. Thomas Gibbins clear the vestibule of the im- portunate visitors ; and in the evening the Luminaries were enabled to stroirout, in small parties of twos and threes, without being molested by a crowd of spectators. There was very little to inspect or admire at Saint Omers, with the exception of the ruins of the old cathedral, the tower of which still retains the traces of that admirable Gothic architecture, the grand secret of whose massive construction seems lost to modern times. But in the immediate vicinity of these relics of ancient grandeur, and overlooking the open space upon which the ruins lie scattered about, as if those huge and moss-covered stones had never been piled upon each other, but always been, like the remains of Druid temples, half imbedded in the earth, — was a large house, of very antique appear- ance, with huge gables overhanging the walls, and little images standing in niches here and there. The windows were all closed with shutters, which seemed to be rapidly yielding to the ravages of time, and ready to fall from their setting ; and the great gates of the carriage-way appeared as if any moderate degree of manual force directed against them by even a single individual would force them open. All about that old building announced neglect and decay ; and a natural asso- ciation of ideas immediately connected its former inmates with the altars of the ruined church close by. Nor were the suspicions of the visitors upon this occasion unfounded : the falling tenement had once 104 THE STEAM PACKET. been the abode of the archdeacon of the cathedral, whose fanes were uprooted and cloisters levelled ; and a fearful legend attached itself to that dwelling of supposed sanctity. The commissioner of the Hotel Canon d'Or, who accompanied one party of the Luminaries to the inspection of these ruins, and who spoke English with considerable fluency, related the particulars of that narrative, — with much more succinctness, however, than we have observed in recording the details in the ensuing chapter. CHAPTER XI. IN WHICH THE LEGEND CONNECTED WITH THE OLD MANSION AT SAINT OMERS IS NARRATED. At the time when the French Ke- volution of 1792 broke out, the archdeacon of the cathedral of Saint Omers was the Count Hya- cinth Saint Honore ; and he resided in the magnificent dwelling over- looking the church, and which at the present day is, as well as the sacred fane itself, crumbling into ruins. The archdeacon was a young man, if his high and import- ant office be taken into considera- tion : he had numbered but thirty-six summers when that dread ebulli- tion of popular feeling and indignation burst forth, — when the knell of the old society was rung by the hand of young Liberty, — and when all things ancient — grandeur, aristocracy, royalty, religion, and superstition — were passing away. Saint Honore was, moreover, a handsome man, with a fine high intellectual forehead, eyes that seemed to speak the lan- guage of an impassioned soul, and a figure, the admirable proportions of which could not be concealed by even the monkish gown. There was alsb an air of aristocracy and superiority about the priest, which mate- rially aided his high rank in producing a deep impression upon the multitude ; and the presumed sanctity of his character, and known charity of his disposition, increased his other claims upon public respect and estimation. A slight cause for scandal, however, occurred, at the death of THE STKAM PACKET. 105 the priest's old housekeeper, in the commencement of 1792, upon which occasion a beautiful young woman of about twenty-five or twenty-six, and who was announced to be the archdeacon's niece, ar- rived from Arras to take upon herself the domestic arrangements of his household. She was in sooth a most splendid creature : no other terms can convey an adequate idea of her rich and voluptuous charms ; — the dark and melting blue eyes, the small red mouth, and brilliant white teeth, the bust exquisitely modelled in the mould of a Hebe, and that faultless symmetry of figure, which, although inclining towards embonpoint, was adorned with all the gracefulness of a sylph ; — all these formed a combination of beauties which might have seduced an anchorite from the troth he had pledged to heaven. But such was the exalted character which Count St. Honore enjoyed for virtue and sanctity, — so great was supposed to be his attachment towards the things of the other worlds and his indifference to those of this, that the introduction of the beautiful Marie into his household failed to evoke a single invidious comment. Even after the execution of the King of France, when the archdeacon discharged all his dependants, retaining only Marie and an old female servant, the alleged excuse of the falling off of the revenues of his office was received as valid ; and the pious, whose opinions were not merged in the political sentiments of the day, continued to regard the " holy father" as a pattern of self-denial and sanctity. Meantime the embarrassments of the clergy increased ; and it was only in those towns that were very far distant from the metropolis, and therefore, as it were, somewhat beyond the reach of its influence, that the priests were allowed to remain in possession of their dwellings ; but their authority had altogether disappeared. Hyacinth St. Honore was compelled to remain in the utmost tranquillity and privacy, for fear of exciting the suspicions of the republican agents : the church was shut up ; and the religious duties of the priest and his clergy were discontinued. The beautiful Marie also refrained from appearing abroad; and in a short time the house seemed to be untenanted, save when at the dusk of the evening the count would leave his habitation for a few moments only, to purchase necessaries at the nearest shops. This duty now seemed to have devolved upon him ; and months elapsed, during which Marie was never seen by a single individual outside the door of the archdeaconry. Every body was too busy at that momentous period to trouble him- self much with the affairs of his neighbours ; and therefore the mode of life practised by the archdeacon did not attract any particular at- tention. On all sides was the society of France in a state of volcanic 106 THE STEAM PACKET. eruption, vomiting forth blood, and death, and slaughter ; and it was only in consequence of the extreme seclusion in which the priest dwelt, that he escaped the notice of the Eepublican Commissioner of the district, and consequently the iron of the guillotine. There dwelt in a small street, close by the residence of the arch- deacon, a young surgeon, who had only lately commenced practice in the town, and whose name was Jules de Renal. Poor and unknown, but possessed of considerable talent, which only required opportunity for its development, and endowed with a handsome person and winning manners, the youthful iEsculapius sought to attract the notice of the wealthy portion of the inhabitants of Saint Omers ; but for a long time all his efforts remained without any satisfactory results. He well knew that he possessed advantages ; but he endeavoured in vain to make himself known by their means. The iron of poverty was eating into his very soul ; — misery entered his house like an army, carrying off everything, and leaving not a hope behind ; and he was actually trembling, one cold winter's evening, upon the verge of suicide, when a low, but hasty knock at his door, — a knock which echoed the more redundantly and clearly through his house, by reason of the emptiness of the rooms, — aroused him from the painful reverie of despair. Jules hastened to answer the summons ; and a man, closely muffled in a huge cloak, rushed into the surgeon's dwelling. " Sir — excuse this abrupt entrance on my part," said the stranger, in a hoarse but hurried voice ; — " the urgency of my business admits of no delay either for apology or for reflection. Are you free at this moment to exercise the duties of your profession?" " I am," answered the surgeon, rubbing his hands joyfully at the prospect of a fee ; for there was no fire in his grate — nor food in his cupboard — nor money in his pocket ; and the young man was cold, hungry, athirst, and weighed down by the dread consciousness of his desolate condition. " Then follow me," said the stranger ; and he turned towards the door. " Stay," cried the surgeon, struggling between his inclinations and his fears : " these are suspicious times ; and your manner — your garb — this haste " " Ah ! forgive me," interrupted the other, as if suddenly recollect- ing himself; " I should have been more explicit. Report has wafted your name to my ears as one in his heart attached to the poor ruined church of the Saviour ; and for that reason have I addressed myself to you. Need I say more than this ? " — and the stranger suffered the light of the flickering lamp, which the surgeon held in his hand, to fall upon his countenance. THE STEAM PACKET. 107 " My lord ! — is this you ? — here — and with all this mystery ! " ejaculated De Renal. " It is I — it is I ! " answered Count Hyacinth Saint Honore, speak- ing rapidly, and in a tone expressive of deep emotions. " We have not a moment to lose : in the name of that God whom you fear— and in whose redemption you still believe — follow me ! " Jules de Renal uttered not a word in reply ; but throwing his rusty beaver upon his head, and having extinguished his lamp, he obeyed the mandate of the archdeacon, who led the way in silence to his own residence. Glancing anxiously around him, the priest opened a side- door with a key which he took from beneath his cloak, and admitted the surgeon into a spacious apartment, faintly lighted by a wax- candle. "M. de Renal," said the count, turning sharply round upon the young man, and surveying him with glances which seemed to read his very soul, " I believe you to be a man of honour — may heaven grant that I be not deceived ! Should you betray the secret I am about to confide to you, this dagger — " and he showed one beneath his outer garments as he spoke, — " all priest as I am, shall drink your heart's blood. Excuse this threat; you will presently comprehend its necessity." " Whatever be the nature of your secret, it shall never be revealed by me on this side of the tomb ! " exclaimed the surgeon emphatically. '* And your reward shall be proportionate to your fidelity," re- turned the priest. " Here is an earnest of my liberality ! " The purse which he presented to the surgeon was heavy, and the metallic sound its contents gave forth was the welcome one of gold — that sound so sweet to the ears of the hungry, cold, thirsty, and despairing youth. The archdeacon rang a silver bell which stood upon the man- telpiece; and in a moment afterwards an old woman entered the room. " Follow her," said the archdeacon : " she will conduct you whither your duty now calls you." Jules de Renal obeyed the directions of the priest, with a species of mechanical promptitude ; and while he was absent the archdeacon paced the room with hasty and uneven steps. In an hour Jules de Renal returned to the apartment. " My patient is as well as can be expected," said the surgeon ; " she is the mother of a boy." " And the boy — the boy," murmured the priest, unearthly fire flashing from his eyes, — " is he healthy ? is he likely to — to " ... "He appears strong and perfect in his organisation," answered the 108 THE STEAM PACKET. surgeon : " so far as medical skill can possibly venture upon the asser- tion, the chances of life are many in his favour." " Tis well — 'tis well ! " said the priest, but in a tone which seemed to belie his words. " Thou wilt not forget thy promise of inviolable secrecy ; and to-morrow I shall expect thee to visit the patient again." The surgeon renewed his promise of silence, with regard to his nocturnal adventure, and retraced his steps towards his humble dwell- ing, pondering not so much upon the intrigue between the priest and the beautiful Marie, which the event had revealed to him, as on the possession of a sum of money sufficient to form the foundation-stone of his future fortunes. In the meantime the priest was bending over the couch which con- tained his new-born child and the now happy mother. Alas ! with what weakness and pain is each new being purchased ! Marie knew that her child inherited a stigma — the stain of illegitimacy — from its very birth ; and yet she was happy — happy, while past pangs were forgotten in the warm gushings of maternal love. Bountiful Nature ! how hast thou supplied in our moral constitution a medicine and a solace for that which is beyond the reach of surgical skill, or any human contrivance ! Thou calmest the mother's anguish, by giving her a feeling which swallows up all physical suffering, and spreads through her frame a thankful joy ! Jules de Renal visited his fair patient at dusk, every evening, until she was convalescent. The archdeacon then presented him with a guerdon far beyond- his most sanguine hopes, and intimated at the same time, that prudence required the cessation of his visits from that day forth. The young surgeon seemed astounded by this announcement; but he offered no remonstrance, as he tendered his thanks for the gene- rosity of the recompense he had received. He then took his leave. And with the money which he had thus procured, and which some kind fortune seemed to have sent him, Jules de Renal established himself in a manner which speedily attracted the notice he had so longed to excite. Weeks passed away — his fame increased — and he saw himself upon the high road to wealth and honour. But, ah! there was a worm gnawing in his heart — a canker in his very soul — an internal wound, which tortured him without ceasing. He loved Marie — the one who had been passed off as the niece, and who was in reality the mistress of the archdeacon: he loved her — not with a pure, calm, and holy flame, but with a fiery and glowing passion, which was rather that of the sense than of the soul. She was ever present in his midnight dreams and his day meditations : she never left his memory ; — turn whichever way he would, there was her beauteous image con- THE STEAM PACKET. 109 stantly following him. He rushed into the country, and endeavoured by long walks to forget her ; — but her countenance beamed upon him from the crystal stream — the melody of her sweet voice was wafted to his ear in the harmony of nature's sounds ; — by day her glances seemed to mingle witfi the sunbeams, and penetrate to his very brain — to drive him mad with raving ; by night her eyes appeared to look upon him through the star-light to make him mad with melancholy. The crowded saloon of fashion, and the solitude of the deep wood, — the hurry of business, and the musings of his lonely chamber, seemed all alike congenial to the nourishment of his fatal passion — all to furnish means of encouragement for that luckless love which met with no encouragement from her "10 caused it. Yes — Jules de Renal lovec as seldom man loves woman. He had attended Marie during a shor. period of three weeks, and during that time he had drunk from her eyes, and her words, and her smiles, draughts of honey which had turned to gall and wormwood within him. No human pen can depict how he was tried — how he often writhed under the torture of his own thoughts till his brain reeled in the agony. None ever felt as he felt — none ever loved as he loved ; for he loved till heaven itself was nothing in the balance ! The idea that she was possessed by another, and never could be his, was one of ineffable torture ; — boiling lead, poured drop by drop upon the bare and living fibre was nothing to what he suffered ! Seven or eight months passed away ; and, during that interval, the surgeon, urged -by an invincible power over which he exercised no more control than the worm against the foot which treads upon it, called several times at the archdeacon's residence, in spite of the positive and emphatic injunctions he had received to the contrary. But never could he obtain a glimpse of Marie ; and the priest was inva- riably so abrupt in his replies, that he received little or no encourage- ment either to prolong his visits or renew them. All that he ever succeeded in learning was that Marie was well, and that the child was strong and healthy. Chance threw in his way an opportunity of again beholding her for whom he was literally dying by inches. He accidentally learnt that the authorities had received the most strict and positive com- mands from Paris to arrest all priests living within their jurisdiction ; and this step was a certain and brief preliminary to the dread ceremony of the guillotine. The intelligence was communicated to De Renal late one evening ; and he instantaneously proceeded to the dwelling of the archdeacon to warn him of his danger. He knocked at the gate, and Count Hyacinth made his appearance. 110 THE STEAM PACKET. " What — De Renal again ! " he muttered between his teeth. " De Renal — your friend," said the surgeon emphatically. " Admit me for a moment — do not hesitate — your life is in danger !" The priest opened the door wide, afforded ingress to the surgeon, and then closed the gate carefully. De Renal found himself in the same room with Marie ; she was giving the nourishment which flowed from her own sweet bosom to her child. Never had she seemed so fair in the eyes of the enthusiastic young man. " You spoke of danger — of my life being in jeopardy ? " said the priest, hastily, seeing that his visitor had now apparently forgotten the object of his call. " Indeed it grieves me to speak it," answered De Renal ; " but I have heard from authentic sources that the bloodhounds are upon your track, and that you have not a minute to waste in idle delay." " Thanks — a thousand thanks for this warning, my worthy young friend ! " cried the archdeacon wringing the surgeon's hand : " Marie, my beloved one ! the moment which I have so much dreaded has come at last. I must fly ! " " And I will be the companion of your flight ! " said the young mother, pressing her child closer to her bosom as she uttered these words in an imploring and yet decided tone. " No, dearest Marie ! " answered the priest: " that would only lead to our certain detection. The heathens will not molest thee, poor dear; and when once I am safe in England, thou canst follow me." Marie was about to make some observation in answer to this pro- posal, when a violent knocking at the gate alarmed them all. But the priest almost immediately recovered his presence of mind, and, seizing the lamp, bade De Renal and Marie follow him. He led the way through several apartments towards the back of the building, and stopped in one which appeared to have been once used as an oratory. Without another instant's delay, the archdeacon drew aside a panel in the wainscot, and bade Marie enter the closet thus revealed. De Renal followed her, it being unsafe for him to be discovered in the company of a man who was proscribed, much more so a priest ; and the count himself brought up the rear, closing the panel cautiously behind him. He then extinguished the lamp, and bade his companions remain as silent as death itself. A few minutes elapsed, and the sounds of the creaking of the great gates upon their hinges reached them even in that distant retreat. It was the old nurse who opened the doors : but the archdeacon knew that she could be trusted. In a short time the heavy sounds of boots, the clanking of swords, the rattling of spurs, and the tones of mime- THE STEAM PACKET. Ill rous voices, were also heard ; and the three inmates of the closet were speedily made aware that the police were prosecuting a rigorous search throughout the house. The investigation of the rooms in the upper storeys was terminated, and that of the ground-floor commenced. Every step which the police-officers now took brought them nearer to the vicinity of the spot where the priest and his companions were concealed. At this awe-inspiring moment — at this period of terrible suspense, the child, which Marie had retained in her arms, began to cry. In vain did she endeavour to pacify it : something had frightened it — and its screams increased in violence. " God will punish us by means of the fruit of our crime ! " mur- mured the unhappy woman in an agony of despair. " It is certain death to-morrow morning, if I be discovered to- night ! " said the priest. " What is to be done ? " demanded the surgeon ; " the bloodhounds draw nearer and nearer ! " " Marie," said the archdeacon in a hollow tone of voice, " give me the child ! " " God, what would you do ? " asked the wretched mother as she passed her beloved infant into the arms of its father. The child's screams were now appalling. " The police are close at hand ! " whispered the surgeon : " all is lost ! " Suddenly the child's cries stopped short — not gradually, but abruptly : and they were followed by a low gurgling sound which lasted for only a few moments, grew fainter and fainter, and was then hushed altogether. Marie sank senseless upon the floor of the closet; and at that moment the gendarmes entered the oratory. " It must be as the old woman says," cried one, with a terrible oath : " the rook has flown to where he '11 find fresh gulls." " Perhaps he 's taken refuge in the cellars," observed another. "Ah! .very likely?" said a third: " at all events it will be more regular to visit them before we go — if it 's only just to see whether the wine is in proper order." This remark elicited a general laugh ; and the police left the oratory. There was another half-hour of dreadful suspense, during which Marie moved not, and only from time to time sobbed low and mournfully ; — and at length the house was cleared of those unwelcome visitors altogether. . Who shall describe the appalling scene which occurred when the 112 THE STEAM PACKET. priest issued from the hiding-place, and procured a light ? Upon the floor of the closet on one side lay the corpse of the innocent being whose thread of life was rudely snapped by him who wove it ; and its distorted countenance bore dread evidence to the silent agonies which it had endured, ere the vital spark fled for ever, beneath the rough gripe of its parent's hand. On the other side was Marie — still in a swoon, from which she was only recovered to feel those dread pangs which every mother knows for the loss of her little one, but which were now aggravated ten thousandfold by the manner whereby that dear child had parted from existence, and the hands by which the appalling deed was accomplished. The archdeacon strove in vain to soothe her ; — and, yielding at length to the same selfish fears which in respect to his child had got the better of his affection, he tore himself away from the agonising scene, after recommending Marie to the friendly care of De Renal, and briefly sketching in five words a mode by which she was to join him in the course of a few days in England. The moment the priest was gone, the old nurse, by the young surgeon's directions, conveyed Marie to her couch, upon which she remained delirious for some hours. At length consciousness returned ; and, while her tears flowed copiously for the loss of her beloved child, she endeavoured to find consolation in the idea that God had doubtless deemed it wise, for his own good purposes, that the proof of her disgrace should disappear from the world. She then set her imagina- tion busily to work to justify the count, for the deed which he had committed — so deeply was she enamoured of him — so unwilling was she to recognise a blemish in his character. This train of meditation solaced her ; and she was soon able to discourse with calmness upon the occurrence. Oh ! the miserable sophistries to which the human mind has recourse, as emollients in the hours of sorrow or remorse ! Reader, as you walk by country roads, with nature bursting into bloom all around you, and listen to the myriad voices of the glad- awakening spring; — or as you traverse the city's streets, and amid their dust and din catch passing glimpses of reviving green, on distant slopes across the broad river, or spreading bay ; is it given you in God's providence to think of those who, early lost and vanished from this blessed earth, shall never gaze upon those scenes again? — of one, perchance, who looked upon each opening season with a poet's calm delight — the soft April shower — the pale green of the fresh-budding willow — the darker verdure of the springing grass, — who, with a full heart and wistful eye pursued the setting sun, until twilight came down upon the earth, and the evening star went up upon its watch ? Precious, in the solemn spring-time, are the memories of the dead ! THE STEAM PACKET. 113 And Marie remembered the fate of that father whom her fall from virtue had sent in sorrow to the grave before his time ; and the broken heart of that kind mother, wbo, when the partner of her youth had gone, would not linger upon the way ; — and then she thought of her child — that well-beloved boy, whose corpse, with the mark of the murderer's fingers upon it, was interred in the cold earth beneath the very recess in which it breathed its last. But the capability of a calm though intensely melancholy meditation upon any subject infused comparative tranquillity to her mind ; and its delirium and ravings ceased. Misfortunes were not, however, with her, destined to have a long interval between them. A few days after Count Hyacinth's departure from Saint Omers, a letter was received by De Renal from the unfortunate priest, who had been arrested at Calais, to which port he was compelled by circumstances to fly. He had been condemned to death by one of the summary tribunals of the period ; and the letter received by De Renal had been written only an hour previous to the execution of that sentence. The archdeacon was no more ; and a frenzied joy filled the soul of the surgeon, when he read the last mandates of him whose departure to another world seemed the removal of an important obstacle to the happiness of De Renal in this. He shut himself up in his chamber — that chamber which the generosity of the priest had filled with every comfort — and literally laughed aloud in the wildness of his delight. Then he bethought himself of all that still remained for him to perform ; and he hurried to communicate the appalling tidings to Marie. She re- ceived the announcement with a dull and dumb despair, but without much surprise : a presentiment — in which she firmly believed— had already told her that she was destined to meet her lover never more in this life. Weeks flew away — months rolled past ; and a year elapsed since the death of Count Hyacinth Saint Honore upon the scaffold. Marie had recovered her composure ; but her happiness was gone never to return. And yet — for she was still surpassingly beautiful — De Renal had dared to talk of love to that crushed and broken heart, and to plead his cause to that soul whose single niche was filled with the image of the departed — an image, an idol, which she worshipped with a fervour more enthusiastic than that shown towards her God. For some time Marie did not comprehend the meaning of the impassioned language of the surgeon ; and at length, when a perpetual recurrence to the same subject, accompanied by increasing ardour, compelled her to pay attention to his addresses, she treated him with contempt. At I 114 THE STEAM PACKET. length his importunities grew annoying ; and she was under the neces- sity of desiring him to discontinue his visits. De Renal fell upon his knees before her, and implored her to with- draw the cruel command. But his manner and language only induced her to enforce it with firmness and resolution. He caught hold of her hand, and endeavoured to convey it to his lips : she repulsed him with rudeness and contempt. The surgeon — all hell mustering in his soul- rose from his suppliant posture, cast a look of demoniac malignity upon the unhappy Marie, who trenibled beneath that ferocious glance, and said in a low, stern, and hoarse voice, while his teeth almost ground toge- ther, and his brows were knit, — " Proud and scornful woman, thou shalt not trample upon him who dares to love thee ! In a corner of this old mansion — beneath the floor of a closet adjoining the oratory — is the corpse of a young child : on whom would the stain of murder appear to rest with greater probability than on its mother, who thus extin- guished the proof of a guilty amour ? " De Renal was striding rapidly towards the door of the apartment in which this scene took place, when Marie sprang forward, caught him by the arm, and said in a strange but decided tone, — " Stay ! I cannot bear the stigma you would throw upon me ! I 'm not afraid to die ; but to die with the character of murderess — never ! What condition will purchase your silence ?" " Your love ! " answered the surgeon, a delirium of hope agitating his brain. "My love can never be given to mortal man again," said Marie : "but what you call love — what you understand by my love — the gratification of your passion — shall be yours. Say — is that the pur- chase-money of your secrecy ? " "Be it so," rejoined the surgeon, who did not observe, in the wild- ness of his suddenly-created joy, the calm irony which pervaded the language and tone of the pale but beauteous woman who clung to his arm : " be it so," he repeated, his eyes radiant with the anticipation of happiness. "Be it so," echoed Marie; then, in a more hurried tone she added, " to-night, at eleven o'clock, I will receive thee. But seek not ingress by the gates of the dwelling : my faithful old dependant would become aware of my disgrace and shame. The window of my own apartment overlooks the wall of the churchyard : you can scale that wall — need I say more ?" " I comprehend you, beloved one ! " ejaculated the surgeon, and he extended his arms to embrace her. THE STEAM PACKET. 115 « No—not now, not now ! " she cried, with a species of horror in her voice and manner : " to-night at eleven — till then adieu ! '* With these words she hurried out of the room ; and De Renal re- turned to his own abode, to meditate upon the successful result of his schemes, the felicity which awaited him, and the triumph he appeared to have obtained over a haughty but beauteous woman. He feasted his imagination with the most voluptuous anticipations : he thought upon and conjectured all the charms and attractions of that fine and faultless form; and he revelled in hopes of coming joy, and dreams of bliss near at hand, until his mind was wrought to a state of excitement almost bordering upon frenzy. Up rose the moon that night, in a clear sky, and in fellowship with myriads of beauteous stars ; and the chaste light fell upon the tall tower of the cathedral, and bathed in silver lustre the sleeping town. The chimes of the church proclaimed the three quarters past ten ; and the dark form of a man passed rapidly from the ramparts into the churchyard, where he lay concealed behind a buttress until the same iron tongue rang forth the hour of eleven. Ere the last stroke was told, that form emerged from its lurking-place, and sprang nimbly upon the wall, by the aid of some loose stones at its base. That wall joined one angle of the house already so often mentioned in this nar- rative. At the same moment a window, about three feet above the wall, was heard to open gently. "De Renal — is that you?" demanded the melodious voice of Marie. " Yes, beloved one ! — it is I, faithful to my appointment," was the answer. At that instant, as he stood upright on the wall, he felt something cold touch his forehead. "Marie " "Villain, receive the recompense of your cowardice towards an unprotected woman ! " were the last words that ever met the surgeon's ear : the report of a pistol echoed around — and a heavy weight fell into the churchyard. It was the corpse of De Renal : his brains were literally blown out. The body was found ; but the activity of the police was in vain exercised to discover the means by which the surgeon came by his death. Six years afterwards — when the matter was forgotten — a priest {for priests exercised their functions then again in France) was sum- moned to attend the death-bed of the unfortunate Marie ; and the substance of the preceding narrative was found amongst her papers, written by her own hand, after her decease. i 2 1 16 THE STEAM PACKET. From that period the ancient residence of the archdeacons has been closed. The cathedral has fallen into ruins, having suffered partly by the hand of Time, but chiefly by that of man during the fury of the Keign of Terror. CHAPTER XII. ME. PIFPAF MEETS WITH A SERIES OF NOCTURNAL ADVENTURES, WHICH WILL MAKE THE READER' S HAIR (UNLESS HE WEAR A Wio) STAND ON END. Nothing worthy of note occurred at Saint Omers, during the night which Captain Pentonville and his companions passed there ; and at five o'clock in the morning they were on their road back to Dunkirk, which they reached just as their brother Luminaries'were sitting down to break- fast. All the adventures of the excursion were duly narrated ; and Miss Aramintha was so overcome by her lover's account of the execution at Mount Cassel, that, as she afterwards confessed, she would have fallen senseless into his arms, had not so many persons been present. Mr. Humtutch accordingly made a memorandum in his note-book, that the presence of others is an excellent antidote to fainting for young ladies in love. Indeed, Mr. Rumtutch was uncommonly happy and satisfied : he felt that the Luminaries were conducting their voyage and travels with such spirit, that a most valuable stock of information must infallibly be added to the archives of the Club, and constitute a pleasing variety in those official documents which hitherto had scarcely been anything else than mere records of resolutions proposing welsh-rabbits one night, and rump-steaks another. And here — were we so disposed — we might launch into an elaborate commentary upon the proceedings of the generality of the English abroad — the really small figure they for the most part cut, and" the superabundant pretension thereanent, which they display on their return home. Many of the worthy speci- mens of John- Bull-ism pertinaciously carry their brains in their pockets, when they visit foreign countries, and are hence unable to appreciate the advantages of anything they see. Generally unsuited by their tastes — unprepared by previous information — deeming a passport and a good letter of credit all-sufficient for their purposes, — they set out upon their continental travels. From their ignorance of a foreign language, THE STEAM PACKET. 117 their journey is one of difficulty and embarrassment at every step. They understand little of what they see — nothing of what they hear. The discomforts of habits, to which they are not accustomed, have no palli- ation by their being enabled to reason on, and draw inferences front* them. All really valuable sources of information are hermetically sealed against them ; and their tour has nothing to compensate for its fatigue and expense, save the absurd detail of adventures to which their ignorance has exposed them. It is, indeed, with the greatest difficulty that the comparatively few intelligent minds which travel the same road, can rescue continental institutions, habits, and manners, from the effects of the evil impressions thus generally formed with regard to them. We commenced this chapter by stating that nothing worthy of men- tion occurred during the night at Saint Omers ; but we did not say that the night at Dunkirk was equally devoid of interest ; for if we had made the assertion we should have recorded an untruth; and historians more veracious than ourselves do not, and cannot, possibly exist. We must therefore confess, that on the same evening which Captain Pentonville and the little detachment of Luminaries passed at Saint Omers, Mr. Pifpaf under the influence of a traveller's curiosity and two bottles of Burgundy, sallied forth by himself, at about nine o'clock, to take a view of the town by moonlight. And first he strolled down to the port, and ascertained that the Steam-Packet was quite safe — that it had neither run away by itself, nor been run away with ; and being thus satisfied that he and his companions stood no chance of being compelled to pass all their lives in Dunkirk, for want of means to get out of it again, he returned into the town. The moonlight, he thought (and he wished Aramintha had been there to see it), looked very beautiful upon the water ; and it now appeared equally charming upon the pantiles of the houses. The lamps, which were suspended by cords in the middle of the streets, at long intervals, did not much in- terfere with the monopoly of the moonlight — certainly not to an extent to infringe its patent; and at that period the good people of Dunkirk had not been enlightened by the introduction of gas companies. Well, Mr. Pifpaf walked on ; and at length he came to a building which looked very much like a theatre. Indeed it was a theatre, and it was open too. Mr. Pifpaf was quite enchanted at the prospect of amuse- ment thus held out to him ; and having paid the admission fee, he was forthwith conducted to a comfortable seat which commanded a full view of the house. Mr. Pifpaf was certainly very far from compre- hending the speeches made by the actors and actresses ; but he kindly and considerately took it for granted that they were very fine ; and he was quite competent, moreover, to judge of the dancing in the ballet, 118 THE STEAM PACKET. which was much to his taste. Presently he became aware of the En- glish language being spoken in his immediate vicinity; and, casting his eyes around him, he beheld in the next box a gentleman and a lady, from whose lips the vernacular prevailing within the sound of Bow- bells, London, had certainly emanated. The gentleman was evidently a sort of sporting character — or, at all events, an imitation of one ; for he wore a bird's-eye handkerchief round his neck, drab shorts, tops, and a poodle benjamin over his green cut-away coat. He might have seen some forty summers, and most probably the same proportion of winters ; and his huge red countenance, protuberant stomach, and broad shoulders, characterised him as a regular John Bull all the world over. His companion was a young lady of about four-and-twenty, with a beautiful complexion (artistically formed of red and white paint), and killing black eyes. She was dressed in all the varied colours of the rainbow ; but her gaudy garb seemed to sit uneasily upon her ; and her veil was thrown over her white bonnet as if it were a dishcloth which she had just wrung out. " Fine effect that, sir ! V said Mr. Pifpaf, addressing the gentleman, and alluding to the manner in which a dancer twirled round upon her left leg, while the other one was stretched out at right angles with her body. " Very fine, sir," answered the Englishman; then turning towards the lady, he said, loud enough for Mr. Pifpaf to hear him, — '* There, my dear, I was quite right ; I knowed the gentleman was one of us." " If you mean that I am an Englishman," said the intelligent chair- man of the Luminaries, " you are quite right, sir. Here is my card — at your service." " Ah ! Pifpaf — I see — pretty name — aristocratic, and so on," mur- mured the gentleman, surveying the pasteboard with great respect. " My name 's Dakins, sir, — Mr. Philip Dakins, at your service also." As he uttered these words he held out a huge hand, in which Mr. Pifpaf 's was immediately grasped with the force of a vice. " Very happy to make your acquaintance, sir ! " said Mr. Dakins. — " This is Mrs. Dakins, sir, — my wife." Mr. Pifpaf bowed, and the lady smiled — and the gentleman laughed too in his sleeve ; for he had only met with his female companion an hour previous to his leaving London, a couple of days back, and neither parson nor clerk had anything to do with the conditions upon which they resided together. *• Now as Mr. Dakins and Mr. Pifpaf had got upon such very comfort- able terms with each other, they could not do otherwise (as English- men) than forthwith repair to the saloon, where they partook each of THE STEAM PACKET. '1 19 a nice hot glass of rum-punch; and-this lktle circumstance contri- buted to place them, ere the entertainments were concluded, upon the very best possible footing in the world. Indeed Mr. Pifpaf commu- nicated to his new acquaintance all that was worth recording in respect to the club of Luminaries; and, by way of return for this manifesta- tion of confidence, Mr. Dakins informed Mr. Pifpaf that he was a sport- ing gentleman of considerable renown — -that he had a large stud at Newmarket — that he was over in France on a secret mission from the English Jockey Club, — and that he was engaged to sup after the Play with some English acquaintances in a street close by, where Mr. Pifpaf would be as welcome as possible. It was also hinted, as an additional inducement, that the amiable Mrs. Dakins would be of the party ; and Mr. Pifpaf, rendered emollient by the punch, suffered himself to be persuaded to accompany his new friends to the supper party alluded to. This entertainment was given by a Mr. Nagle, a gentleman who car- ried on the ostensible business of lace- weaver, and the private one of smuggler, to very considerable advantage. Mr. Nagle was, indeed, a very singular personage both in outward appearance and inward disposi- tion. The snuffers of destiny had extinguished the light of his left «ye, in an affray with Custom-House officers, near Ostend ; but his right one was left — and this is no pun. To look upon his right eye was to gaze upon the large dull circle of dead green glass fixed in a ship's deck. He had also been deprived of his left leg without his own consent. It was thus : — wandering one night near a garden, he casually hap- pened to climb over the wall. This occurred in England ; and the shadow of a cloud interposed between the moon and "Man-Traps " which was obscurely traced in white characters upon a black board, and prevented his taking advantage of the kind caution — even had he Jknown how to read. Attracted to a house by fate, and the family plate, — the former in the shape of an iron trap, fastened its fangs like the Prodigal's, upon the " fatted calf," — and the loss of his limb was the consequence. The limb of a tree — as the Americans would say — then became a necessary resource — nay, even a means of support. Mr. Nagle's house was small, but commodious ; and as he was a batchelor, the guests were solicited to take things just as they might find them — a request with which they considerately agreed to comply. Several other ladies and gentlemen were assembled, when Mr. Pifpaf and his new acquaintances entered the apartment where Mr. Nagle, surrounded by his guests, seemed to be the central light of a small planetary system of constellations, evidently formed of matter homo- geneous with that of which he himself was constructed. The guests were all English ; and had we the skilful pen of the Court Scribe, we 120 THE STEAM PACKET. would endeavour to convey an adequate idea of their respective garbs. As it is, our readers must be contented with a rapid glance at the bril- liancy of the scene, and excuse us if we only observe, that one elderly lady was embellished with a valuable antique straw bonnet of fantastic shape ; — a young lady's head-dress consisted of a large velveteen band with a Birmingham gold clasp in front; and another sweet . gin's unassuming garb was a loose bed-gown robe of linsey-woolsey, with petticoat to match. And now for the harder sex, since we have de- scribed the softer. One gentlemanly individual of a certain age, and with a care-worn brow, was attired in an elegant black coat with superb light brown patches at the elbows ; — a young gentleman looked pecu- liarly cool and comfortable in a blouse, without any shirt underneath ; —and a third made a handsome apology for appearing in the white coat, which indicated the honourable calling of baker's apprentice, which he so successfully pursued. He was in the flower of his days, and seemed destined by the yeast of genius to rise as rapidly in the world as the lightest loaf he had ever put into the oven. Mr. Pifpaf was too much overcome with the Burgundy he had drunk at the Hotel de Flandres, and the punch he had imbibed at the theatre, to notice any peculiarities on the part of the respectable com- pany assembled at Mr. Nagle's abode. Indeed, nothing could equal the civility of this gentleman ; for, upon some one inquiring, with great naivete, " When the h — 11 the supper would be ready ? " he in- stantly proposed " a dodger of cloves and brandy," to fill up the inter- val. No sooner had the dram disappeared down the throats of the expectant guests, when a charwoman entered the room, bearing the supper in a huge wooden tray. The delicacies provided by Mr. Nagle were of the choicest descrip- tion. At the top of the table was the quarter of a household lamb, which had never entailed upon the cruel butcher the crime of an addi- tional murder, it having departed this life three minutes after its en- trance into a world of wickedness and woe. Peace to its cinders ! — for to such was the quarter done. At the bottom of the table was a gentle- man-fowl, which had passed a life of eleven long years of utility, and had been knocked over at last by a stone propelled from the sling of Mr. Nagle's errand-boy, as it was inoffensively perched upon a dung- hill that formed the picturesque scenery of which that gentleman's window commanded a view. In the centre was a boiled sirloin of beef, concerning which we have no particular observation to make. These luxuries were flanked with enormous flagons of old English ale, and a mighty kettle was singing upon the fire, giving promise of punch afterwards. THE STEAM PACKET. 121 The moment Mr. Nagle's eye fell upon the dainties thus hospitably displayed, it dilated to the diameter of a glass globe, the frequent tenant of a druggist's window. It seemed lighted up by a preternatu- ral gas-burner, and emitted the transparent glare of a crimson medium. His steps were immediately bent (for he was lame) to the head of the table ; and in a few moments the guests were engaged in discuss- ing the good things of their generous host Little was said during supper ; but afterwards the conversation be- came general. So did the hot punch ; — and Mr. Pifpaf partook of it with such freedom, that the two candles soon appeared to be four, and the one eye of his entertainer was augmented into two. " Well, Pifpaf, how do you get on, my fine fellow?" demanded Mr. Dakins, who sate next to the chairman of the Luminaries. " Pretty well, thank 'ee," answered Mr. Pifpaf. " But who is that gentleman sitting opposite to me with the black coat ? " *' He ? " exclaimed Mr. Dakins; " what ! don't you know who he is ? He 's a celebrated painter." " What of?" demanded Mr. Pifpaf; "portraits?" "No — posts," replied Mr. Dakins, aloud; and a roar of laughter ensued. Mr. Pifpaf said no more, and made up in drinking what he omitted in talking. At length he became aware of a disturbance in the room, but of what nature he could not quite distinguish. In a short time* however, he was thrown from his chair ; and some one began to pull at his head, and another at his tail. What immediately occurred afterwards he has never been able satisfactorily to explain ; for when consciousness next returned to him, he was lying under a dead-wall, with his hat dashed over his eyes. As soon as he had removed the inconvenient beaver, he perceived that it was the hour of sun-rise ; and, raising himself to a sitting posture, he began to reflect upon the probable causes which had brought him into his present predica- ment. At length, like the pictures appearing out of the mists in the dissolving views, and then gradually yielding to fresh scenes one after another, did the incidents of the preceding night gradually dawn upon his memory ; and circumstance slowly succeeded circumstance, from the meeting of Mr. Dakins at the theatre to the scuffle in Mr. Nagle's dwelling. Mr. Pifpaf instinctively put his hand upon his watch- pocket, and ascertained that his repeater was gone ; a second investi- gation gave him the same pleasing certitude with respect to his purse ; — and his silk handkerchief and ring had also disappeared — doubtless to keep the rest of his possessions company. Obeying a first and most natural impulse under such circumstances, 122 THE STEAM PACKET. Mr. Pifpaf resolved to retrace his way that moment to Mr. Nagle's abode, apd accuse him of being concerned in the robbery. But vain was it tliat the Chairman wandered amongst the streets of Dunkirk — like the crooked ways of a sinful people : half distracted at his loss, and doubly deploring his want of foresight, and his absurd imprudence in accepting the invitation of the first stranger he fell against, he kept plodding about by turns towards every point of the compass. He accosted the few stragglers whom he met, with incoherent and inex- plicable questions, and at last thoroughly satisfied himself that impor- tunities of this description were utterly futile. However, as he wan- dered about the streets, and as the noise of his heels upon the deserted pavement reverberated from every quarter in echoes louder and longer at each impetuous stride, his reflections grew more calm. He thought that if he demanded the intervention of the law, he should only expose himself, injure the character of the club, and be well laughed at into the bargain. He accordingly resolved to hush up the matter as well as he could ; and, as the fumes of the night's debauch were now pretty well dissipated, his brain was clear enough to admit of the invention of a little melo-drama of nocturnal adventures," of which he was the hero, and which were to be related to his wife and daughters to ac- count for his extraordinary absence. As soon as all these matters were properly settled and digested in his mind, he set himself to work to find his way to the Hotel de Flandres ; and when he did eventually stop at the door thereof, he found that he had passed it, without being aware of it, some half dozen different times during his wayfarings on this memorable morning. In a word, it was six o'clock before he reached the inn ; and with fear and trembling did he sneak up stairs to his wife's apartment. What passed between them we cannot say: all that we can take upon ourselves to assert is, that when Mr. Pifpaf appeared at the breakfast table, his rubi- cund cheeks were overlaid with an interesting fretwork of scratches. THE STEAM PACKET. 123 CHAPTER XIII. IN WHICH THE LUMINARIES DISCOVER THAT THERE IS A " TIDE IN THE AFFAIRS OF MEN," WHICH VERY OFTEN CONDUCTS THEM TO ONE TOWN WHEN THEY ARE ANXIOUS TO VISIT ANOTHER. It may be very Well supposed that Mr. Pifpaf had experienced quite enough of Dunkirk and its amuse- ments to last him for the remainder of his days; and he accordingly summoned the Executive Committee of the Club immediately after break- fast, to propose the prosecution of the voyage that day as far as Ca- lais. The august assembly met in solemn conclave ; and after three quarters of an hour's deliberation, the following official document was the result : — " PIFPAF, CHAIRMAN. M The Executive Committee of the Honourable and Independent Order of Luminaries, sitting in famine, have resolved upon the arrangements following : — " 1 . The Steam-Packet will depart for Calais this day at one o'clock precisely. " 2. Gentlemen Luminaries are requested to empower Mr. Tiptile, the treasurer, to settle their accounts with the landlord of the Hotel de Flandres, in order to avoid confusion. " 3. Gentlemen Luminaries, who may have committed any obser- vations upon foreign men, things, or manners, to paper, are requested to furnish the same to Mr. Kumtutch, the Secretary, who from the opinions of forty intelligent persons, will be thereby enabled to form a pretty accurate one of his own. " 4. Gentlemen Luminaries are particularly desired to pay attention to the resolution passed in London, on the 7th of April, 1 839, to the effect that a Museum of Curiosities be instituted in connection with the Glub ; and gentlemen Luminaries are desired to bear in mind the fact, that as yet only one object of vertu has been presented toward the said Museum, viz., the identical brickbat thrown into the Lord Mayor's carriage on the 2d of March of the same year. " PIFPAF. « June 6, 1840. RUMTUTCH, Secretary. 1* 121 THE STEAM PACKET. This memorable proclamation was no sooner issued than the ladies flew to their chambers to pack up their things, and the gentlemen hastened to make any little purchases which they might require. The time passed quickly away until half-past twelve o'clock, when, Mr. Tiptile having settled with the landlord of the Hotel de Flandres, the Luminaries marched in procession to the port. The day was warm but cloudy; and, indeed, so uncertain had appeared the weather while the Executive Committee was sitting in deliberation, that the proposal to proceed that day to Calais had only been carried by a very small majority. This circumstance conduced to throw a partial gloom over the embarkation, inasmuch as Messieurs Runitutch and Tiptile had made the question quite a ministerial one ; and it was feared that they must resign if they could not ensure a larger majority wherewith to carry on the government of the Luminaries. Under such unpleasant auspices as these did the embarkation take place — gloom upon the face of heaven — gloom upon the countenances of the most remarkable and intelligent association upon earth. Mes- sieurs Rumtutch and Tiptile walked with an air of dogged determina- tion ; and it was afterwards rumoured that had they been defeated in the measure of the morning (which they had brought forward at the ex- press desire of the chairman,) they would have effected a coup d'etat, -dissolved the Committee, and governed alone. We are, however, enabled to state, that such a despotic scheme would never have met with the sanction of Mr. Pifpaf, who would rather have abdicated than consented to enslave those to whom a liberal constitution had been originally granted. The Steam-Packet is again furrowing the surface of the deep ; and the towers of Dunkirk are rapidly disappearing from the view of those on board. The sea is of a light-green colour ; but here and there upon its wide expanse there are patches of darker hue, the shadows of the threatening clouds which are rolling over the sky from the north- ward. The vessel oscillates from stem to stern more than it did upon the former portions of the voyage ; and the ocean begins to send forth low moans, like a chafed beast of prey. The sky is becoming rapidly overcast ; and the entire sea soon grows of a darkish neutral tint. At length the waves begin to comb over, feather-white, to sea-ward, like a tiger showing his teeth ; and on the beach the billows roll in from time to time with a voice of thunder. Everything denotes an approaching storm — and that near at hand too. Now there comes a puff of wind from the north ; — another and another follow at short intervals from the same dreaded quarter ; — and this commencement of the gale increases in violence until the sea is covered with foam. THE STEAM PACKET. 125 The sky is now completely overcast with the dense dark clouds ; and the sun is hidden from view, though it still makes faint attempts to break through its barrier. The waves roll higher and higher, and break terrifically upon the shore. All along the French coast the craft are hauling round as far as possible behind the points which jut out to sea. As the storm increases, the strand resounds with the noise of the billows, which go crashing in as if they would tear the shore from its foundations. Captain Bloomfield, who had been averse to put out to sea that day, but who was over-ruled by the command of the Executive Committee, was now tormented on all sides by the inquiries of the very men who had forced him to tempt the storm which he foresaw. Some begged of him to put back to Dunkirk; but his knowledge of the coast told him that it would be much more easy and safe to run for Gravelines — an attempt which he accordingly made. In the meantime, piteous was the condition of the Luminaries and their female companions. The ladies were all in their own especial cabin ; and as the stewardess was herself sick, they were compelled to attend upon themselves. Mrs. Pifpaf complained bitterly of her " poor head," and declared that if this were pleasure, she would rather be with- out it all her life ; — Aramintha vainly endeavoured to find consolation in the fact, that the pumps were quite as good as those made by " Mr. Mann of London;" but even Byron produced a nausea; — Belinda, in an attempt to leap over a footstool, and thereby exhibit her reckless- ness for the weather and the pitching of the ship, fell down, and did not attempt to get up again ; — and Sarah could discover no solace in humming " the Sea, the Sea — the open Sea;" for she could not help thinking that " the blue, the fresh, the ever free" was at present in- clined to make a little too free with the comforts of the voyagers. The old one-eyed dowager vainly attempted to convey a drop of com- fort to her throat: she spilt a pint of excellent cognac, purchased at Dunkirk, out of her flask over her silk dress, and then resigned her- self to die in peace. One young lady — a Miss Wilkins — crept into a berth, and lay upon her side, moaning in a most piteous manner, and reproaching herself bitterly for all the sins of her past life:— "Oh! wretch that I was to treat nice Mr. Tompkins in that vile manner. Yes--I deserve to die— and a death as hideous as this too ! Poor young man ! — he came in his best blue coat with brass buttons his nankeens — and his yellow kid gloves, — and yet I spurned him ! Yes- I spurned him ; — I know I did • and when I sat down to the peamier, I wouldn't allow him to turn the leaves for me I Oh ! I 126 THE STEAM PACKET. deserve my fate — I deserve my fate ! — What can I do ? — What can I say?" " Why, you seem to say anything but your prayers, Miss," cried the old dowager, who was annoyed by this wailing just above her head. " Ah ! dear — dear ! " continued the young lady, in a tone of intense agony ; " what will become of me ? — Oh ! I have been a great sinner ; I have refused all the manifestations of Providence in my favour ! — When heaven sent me the tall lieutenant of marines with the red whiskers, I turned a deaf ear to him. When he asked me to meet him underneath the Charter-house wall, I went and walked with Henry Oxley instead. Oh ! I have been a great sinner — I know I have ! " " Alas ! my poor head ! " exclaimed Mrs. Pifpaf ; " won't that lady have done her droning ? " " Stewardess ! " screamed the dowager. " Ye— e — es, ma'am," said that official, who was lying all in a heap in one corner of the cabin ; — " Ye- — e — es? " " Pray ask that young lady, — Miss Wilkins, I think," said the dowager, — "just to have the kindness to hold her silly tongue; and, I say, dear, good stewardess, pray see about getting me a leetle — leetle drop of brandy — do, there 's a dear ! " " Oh ! don't ta — a — Ik to me, ma'am," cried the stewardess ; "I can't abear it!" — and she relapsed into a stubborn silence, from which no entreaties nor threats could rouse her. " Belinda, my dear," said Mrs. Pifpaf, in a voice so melancholy that it seemed like that of one at the point of death, " do get me my smell- ing bottle ; — my poor head is distracted ! " " Dear mamma, I really can't get up," answered the affectionate daughter, " about smelling-bottles, poor heads, and nonsense ; for if I do I shall only fall down again." Thus the miseries of the ladies were enhanced by their extreme selfishness in the moment of tribulation. The vessel now tossed and pitched fearfully — the sea broke over the deck — and the rush of waters appeared, as it was heard in the cabins, as if the ocean were every in- stant about to engulph the ship. The trampling of the busy feet of the sailors over-head, — the loud voice of the captain rising above the roar of the storm, as he issued his orders, — the still even, and unabated din of the paddle-wheels, — the noise of the engine — the fury of the blast, now howling like a lion in the distance — now whining like a dog, and then whistling with the same shrill note which the human lips can pro- duce — and the bellowing of the waters as they dashed past the ship, — all these combined to strike terror into the hearts of the females. THE" STEAM PACKET. 127 The scene surveyed from the deck was grand and awe-inspiring. About five or six miles to leeward was the coast of France, low, brown in hue, and barren in appearance ; to windward the sea stretched far as the eye could reach, bounded only by the horizon. The sky above was as dark and gloomy as it well could be; and the clouds flew rapidly upon the wings of the blast. The ocean itself seemed to be lashing in its fury from the very caverns which contain its secret springs ; and the crests of the billows, as they rolled onwards, break- ing often one over the other, appeared to commingle together in one vast whirlpool of foam. Sometimes the wind murmured through the hollow of the waves with force so suppressed, that it seemed as if its violence were about to lull altogether ; — then the ominous sharp and shrill whistling reverberated through the air, as the vessel rose upon the summit of the billows ; — and these sounds were followed by a rumbling and monotonous din, resembling that of distant cannon fired rapidly one after the other for some moments. At times the moan of the tempest appeared to speak in human voices, as if the abysses of the sea sent forth the wail of mortal agony. "Steady, my boy — steady as she goes! " cried the captain to the helmsman every now and then, when conning the ship, he notified that it must be kept as then steering. " Here 's a sneezer, sir, a-coming," was the observation occasionally made by the mate to the captain : " he 's bearin' down on us with a cauliflower head. My eyes ! if he ain't a reglar snorter." " This is no jolly-boat breeze, any how,, Tom," said the captain, when the menacing billow was past. ** I shouldn't a-thought the breeze o' this mornin' would ha' blown sich great guns on the barky, sir," observed the mate ; " but we'll get into Gravelines, please God, presently, and ride in smooth water like a duck-all-atanto, and as light as a cape petrel." At this moment one of the few Luminaries who had stayed upon deck crawled along towards the spot where the captain and mate were standing, and begged, in a whining tone of utter desolation, to be in- formed whether there was any " real danger or not? " *« Real danger ! " ejaculated the mate, with a glance of deep indig- nation ;— " Real danger ! Who the devil ever heerd o' sham danger ? You'd better belay your jaw-tackling, sir, and go down below along with t'others." The unfortunate Luminary accepted the advice, and in his endea- vour to follow it was precipitated down the companion-ladder, to the great damage of the exterior case of his olfactory apparatus. There is nothing that combines so essentially profound thought with 128 THE STEAM PACKET* discursive fancy, and high-toned sentiment with wild passion, — nothing indeed that affords such free scope for the whole soul of man, as the poetry which is taught and felt during the hours of stormy heavens and troubled seas. If the heart be swelling with noble emotions, the fancy glowing with splendid images, or the mind teeming wjjh lofty thought, how naturally is the rich oblation poured forth upon the altar of Genius — through the medium of the verse dictated by an experience of the awe, the solemnity, the perils, and the grandeur of the sky covered with its dark and menacing clouds, which seem the hiding- places of the storm, and the ocean foaming and roaring in its mighty bed. How naturally does the young enthusiast of nature come glow- ing from the dangers he has experienced, and the beauties he has con- templated in the external world ; — from the crash of elements, and the life-giving breeze ; from the roar of the glaciers, or from the sky with its everchanging face ; — then does he breathe forth in poetry the new and magnificent thoughts and emotions that will have expression, and will imprint themselves somewhere, as freely and as vividly as the bright conceptions of the painter rush upon the canvass. We may say with Akenside, — " From heaven descends The flame of genius to the human breast, And love, and beauty, and poetic joy, And inspiration." Yet it is the wonderful or the beautiful things of earth, and the sym- pathies, emotions, and passions which they excite, that feed this secret flame, and nourish it in our heart of hearts. It is when these feelings are fresh — when the gaze of young astonishment is cast upon all things with its earliest intensity — that enthusiastic minds express themselves in effusions which the severe critic may not find faultless, but towards which we should always on that very account be indulgent. We love the natural spring gushing out pure and bright from the foot of the rude mountain, far better than the artificial well, though constructed with vast labour, and built with consummate skill and care. But let us not digress at a moment of such deep interest to our Lu- minaries. The storm continued ; the winds blew — the sea raged — the vessel was tossed on the summit of the billows, and then dashed down into the hollows between ; — and still she bore bravely on. The Lu- minaries were for the most part crowded together in their own cabin, and cannot be said to have exhibited any more proofs of courage than those shown by the ladies in their department of the vessel, as already described. Mr. Pifpaf had placed a pillow in one corner, and, seating himself upon the floor, leant back against it, his countenance stretched MR. EMANS HAS JUST PUBLISHED THE FOLLOWING NEW AND POPULAR WORKS :— I. Complete in One Vol. pp. 594, Price Sixteen Shillings, embellished icith Sixteen beautiful Steel Engravings, (or in Fifteen Parts, Price One Shilling each, J — MASTER TIMOTHY'S BOOK-CASE. By G. W. M. REYNOLDS, AUTHOR OF " PICKWICK ABROAD," "MODERN LITERATURE OF FRANCE," " ROBERT MACAIRE," &C. " We have frequently had occasion to speak favourably of the writings of this author ; and we see no reason in the work before us for changing that opinion. Part I. of ' Master Timothy's Book-Case ' contains forty pages of letter-press and two beautiful steel engravings, and is sold at the usual price of one shilling. At that rate it is de- cidedly one of the cheapest works of the day ; and its intrinsic merits will doubtless aid not a little in procuring for it arv-^dequate share of public patronage. The design of the lale is singular : the hero, Sir Edmund Mortimer, becomes possessed of a magic book- case, which reveals to him all the jecrets and mysteries of human life. The chief aim of Mr. Reynolds in this work seems to involve his hero in a series of doubts and mysti- fication ; and, when his curiosity and suspense are worked up to the highest pitch, he appeals to the book-case, and the truth is immediately made apparent. That which at first sight appeared virtuous, turns out to be vicious ; seeming injustice proves to be justice ; and every thing turns out in a contrary manner from what either the hero or the reader of the tale anticipate. We are told in the Preface that ' one of the principal aims of the author, is to illustrate the truth of the ancient aphorism that we should never trust to appearances.' The interest of the reader is most acutely excited ; and he must lay down this first Part with a wish to become acquainted with the next. We perceive by the Preface, that in the course of forthcoming Parts the story of Madame Laffarge and the historical subject of the Man with the Iron Mask are to form episodes in the tale. The plot is ingenious and original ; for, although, from the title, the reader might imagine that it is an imitation of ' Master Humphrey's Clock,' we can vouch that no similitude of design is apparent in the tale now before us." — Dispatch, July 4th, 1841. II. Complete in One Vol. pp. 672, Price Fifteen Shillings, embellished with Fourteen beautiful Steel Engravings, (or in Fourteen Parts, Price One Shilling each,) — THE FORTUNE TELLER; OR, THE HEIR OF HAZELMORE. By EUPHEMIA GERALDINE WALKER, AUTHOR OF "THE CHILD OF TWO FATHERS," &C &C. " We have no hesitation ia strongly advising the perusal of this work to our readers — ■ old or young — grave or sad." — Chambers's London Journal, Feb. Wth, 1S43. THOMS, PRINTER AND STKREOTYPER, WARWICK SQi/ARB. Part 6 THE HgS TEAM PACKET: J A TALE OP ^ THE RIVER AND THE OCEA^ ' BY G. W. M. REYNOLDS, PICKWICK AS1LOAD," "ROB8BT MACA1B **MASTXK TIMOTHY'S BOOK-CASB," " AU«I!) DE BOSANN," 8tC. 8lC. ILonirou: W. E M A N S, 12, WARWICK SQUARE. TIIOMS, PB1NTBR,] [WARWICK SQVARB. and soon fell into a most gloomy medi- tation. The loss, of Aramintha, with her dower, upon which he calcu- lated as a little certainty, was a severe blow, particularly after the trouble and pains he had taken to ingratiate himself into the favour of her parents, and; maintain his. position there. Besides which, he was more or less attached to the young lady ; and as, if we must speak the truth,, he had no pecuniary resources on which to fall back (although some very distant expectations from an old uncle who had accumulated a fortune m the East Indies,, where he was still residing), his situation altogether was far from enviable. It was true that he had plenty of ready money in his pocket ;. but that would make itself wings and fly away; and it was not always so easy to find a Timothy Pifpaf to act as one's banker^ "While the captain was thus wrapt up in his infelicitous ruminations, the sounds of rapid footsteps fell upon his ears. He glanced hastily THE STEAM PACKET. 151 arotind ; and, to his ineffable surprise, beheld a strange objeet, appa- rently clad in a long and wide flannel gown, rushing along the road with amazing velocity. This individual was proceeding in the direction towards Calais ; — and what was the captain's surprise when the fugitive suddenly halted, as he drew near him, and gave vent to an exclamation of joy. ** What, Buckram — is that you?" cried the captain ; and, in spite of his miseries, he could not help laughing at the comical appearance the tailor cut, until the tears came into his eyes. " Ah ! it is all devilish easy to sit there grinning like a bear/' said Buckram, mopping the perspiration from his countenance with the tail of his laughter-provoking garment, as he seated himself by the captain ; " but I can assure you that it is much better to have this thing on one> than nothing at all." " How did you manage to escape the gendarmes ? " demanded the captain, still unable to repress his mirth, which broke out anew every time he happened to glance towards his companion. " Never mind that," said Buckram ; " let us think how the devil we are still to escape from them. Recollect these are none of your English New Police, who will look another way for a matter of five shillings or so, and who are so infernally stupid that there have been already half a dozen murders undetected within these last five years- We have to do with chaps whose noses are as acute as those of blood- hounds." " In the first place you must buy yourself a coat," said Pentonville. " Devilish easy to talk f" ejaculated Buckram : " but how shall we ever venture into a town by day-light, while I am clad in this queer fashion ? " " You speak like a book," said the captain, after a little considera- tion. " We must strike off into the fields, and perhaps we shall come to a house where you may contrive to get a coat from some peasant m exchange for that flannel doliman — ha I ha ! " " Well, go on," exclaimed Buckram impatiently. " I am in no humour to be laughed at, I can tell you." " Or else you can remain somewhere, while I proceed to the nearest village and buy you a decent garment," added Pentonville. " At all events we will make the best of our way to Calais, where Tom will find an opportunity of seeing us; and we shall then learn what we have to expect from old Pifpaf. But how you could be so silly as to confess that you were not a lord, I am at a loss to conceive." " I confess ! " ejaculated Buckram. "Who the devil told you that f If I confessed anything, it must have been when I was drunk — and 152 THE STEAM PACKET. that 's what I am afraid of. But who told you that I had confessed anything ? " " Why, you were telling me how you declared yourself to Pifpaf, when Tom came up with the alarm of the gendarmes." " My dear fellow," said Buckram, " you are most opaque, and therefore you stultify yourself. I certainly declared my affection for Miss Belinda Pifpaf, and received every encouragement from the old chap; but as for confessing anything else, I should scarcely have been such a thorough blockhead. You have misunderstood me." u Then what the deuce can have put old Pifpaf up to the game which we were playing? " said the captain, whose mind was now more perplexed than ever. "Do you think you let out anything incautiously while in your cups ? " " God knows ! but I should say not," replied the tailor, vainly en- deavouring to recall to his recollection the conversation which had occupied his last hour's conviviality with Mr. Pifpaf on the preceding evening. " Well, all the conjecture in the world will not amend our present position," said the captain, rising. " One consolation is that we have got some money in our pockets ; and we must push on for Calais without delay. If we find from Tom Gibbins's account that the game is all up, I shall be off to Paris : if we hear anything favourable, we can act accordingly. So now — en avant: march ! *' The two gentlemen, with elongated countenances, and suspicious glances wandering right and left, struck out of the main road, and continued their journey across the fields, following, as nearly as they were enabled to judge the accuracy of their path, the direction towards Calais. The day was beautiful — so different from the storm of the preceding one, that it seemed as if the serenity of the weather had never been disturbed. The sun was not too powerful; and yet the sky was as blue above as ever canopied a sphere. It was one of those days which happy and grateful minds never forget. Its memory comes over them in other desponding days and dark and dreary nights, when the whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint, and the sun, and the moon, and the stars give not their light ; — it comes as a token of the ever-smile which the clouded breast cannot always feel beaming above it from on high ; — it comes as a sign of the power of Him in whom alone we live and move, to give at any moment perfect bliss to our thirsting souls ; — it comes as a sweet harbinger of what perchance to-morrow may bring with it; — it comes as an antepast of what eternity shall be, if we do but trust and hope, in the stormy hour, and follow on through THE STEAM PACKET. 153 shade and sun after the light of that countenance whose reflections are seen in days of serene and cloudless beauty ! Captain Pentonville and Mr. Buckram did not edify themselves with much interchange of discourse during their walk, both being too much engaged with their own reflections to think about amusing the other. At length a cottage was descried in the distance, and Captain Pen- tonville proceeded thither to reconnoitre, while the tailor sate him- self quietly down under a hedge, to await his friend's return. The captain only found a poor old woman upon the premises; but from her he purchased a pound of smuggled Belgian tobacco and a couple of pipes, besides a loaf of bread, some cold meat, and a bottle of beer. With these luxuries he returned to Buckram ; and as the two travellers had not broken their fast previous to their escape from the inn at* Gravelines, they fell in good earnest upon the provisions. This repast cheered their spirits a little ; and having lighted their pipes as addi- tional means of comfort, they pursued their journey. Towards four o'clock they arrived in sight of a small village, situate in a beautiful valley, through which a clear and broad stream mean- dered, until it was lost from view amidst the deeply-tangled woods which overhung it at a distance. The two travellers sate down once more to rest, and finish their provisions ; and when properly refreshed, the captain pursued his way towards the village, the tailor remaining in a spot to which it would be easy for his friend to retrace his steps, without missing his path. Captain Pentonville entered the village — not, however, without many misgivings relative to the dangers which he incurred at the hands of gendarmes. There was not a tailor's shop to be seen ; but in a few minutes he beheld a comfortable looking little public-house, or village inn, with an enormous aquatic bird painted upon the sign. In fact, the style and title of the hostel was the Grand Canard — which, being interpreted, means, " The Great Duck." There he made certain little inquiries relative to beds for the night, and won the landlady's favour by paying liberally in advance for the accommodation solicited " for himself and a friend whom he expected ; " and he ordered a good supper to be ready at nine o'clock, for which he also insisted upon settling there and then. He next inquired for the landlord, of whom he intended to procure a coat, cost what it might ; and to insure whose good graces he had disbursed his money with such liberality. " My husband can't be disturbed just directly, sir," said the land- lady. "The truth is, there is a gentleman dying in the house; and he has just sent for the clergyman to confess him, and the notary to make his will. He is very rich, it appears ; indeed, he has been living 154. THE STEAM PACKET. here for these last six weeks, and his bill is three hundred and nineteen francs. He ate and drank like a prince, I can tell you ! " "Is he a Frenchman?" demanded Captain Pentonville. " No, a Pole — and quite the gentleman," replied the landlady. u The moment my husband has done up-stairs, sir, you shall see him." Captain Pentonville was chattering in this way with the buxom landlady of the village inn, — for he was able, as we have before stated, to speak French with tolerable fluency, and he fully understood it when it was addressed to himself, — when a stout honest-looking man suddenly descended the stairs, and made his appearance at the bar. " A witness — a witness — a disinterested witness ! " he exclaimed, glancing anxiously around. " He will die before we find one — and I 'am to be included in his will ! " " A witness ? " said Captain Pentonville. " What ? to the signature of a dying man ?" "Exactly what I want," cried the host; "and if you will take the trouble " " With pleasure ! " interrupted the captain, who felt anxious — he scarcely knew why — to see the gentleman who was making his will in a village inn, where he had run up a bill of twelve pounds sterling. The landlord led the way up-stairs, and the captain followed him into a chamber, where lay a person of about the middle age, and whose countenance certainly gave no evidence of speedy dissolution. " Here is a witness," said the landlord to the priest. " God be thanked ! " ejaculated the clergyman, who was sitting by the side of the bed : w the church will not be deprived of the bounty of this most truly penitent and pious Christian." " Amen ! " said the notary. "My friends," murmured the invalid, in a voice which was certainly weak, but which, the captain could not help thinking, might have been a leetle more powerful, if its proprietor had chosen : "let us hasten and despatch this most unpleasant ordeal, for I feel — I feel — that I have not many moments to live." " Proceed, my son," said the priest. *■' I am prepared," cried the notary, dipping his pen into the ink for- the ninth time, and arranging his papers straight upon the table before him for the sixteenth, since he entered the room. " Attention ! " ejaculated the landlord. " I, Jean Jacques Pierre Lievebewitz," commenced the invalid, pulling an awful long face, " do will and bequeath the sum of twenty thousand /rancs, standing on the Great Book of the Bank of France, in my name, to — what is your name, holy father ? " THE STEAM PACKET. 155- " Jerome Bellicault," was the answer. '* To Jerome Bellicault, to be by him applied, and at his discretion,, to charitable purposes. Item, I bequeath the sum of five thousand francs, also standing in my name on the Great Book, to — your name, worthy sir ? " " Marc Moulin," replied the notary, to whom the question was addressed. " To Marc Moulin, for his own use and benefit ; and to be considered as a small testimony of my respect, and also as payment in full for the drawing up of this my last will and testament, to which I hereby nominate him the sole executor." The invalid paused — the notary took a pinch of snuff complacently — the priest exchanged a nod of intelligence and joy with the landlord — and Captain Pentonville wondered what was coming next. " Ite?n," proceeded the invalid," I will and bequeath to his Majesty the King of the French, all the wines in my cellars, and my library, at my mansion, No. 20, Rue de Lille, Paris, as a proof of my admira- tion of his character and policy. Item, I bequeath to Nicholas Touchet, the honourable landlord of the Great Duck, who is a re- spectable, amiable, and incomparable man, and who entertains a great respect for the Poles in general — I bequeath, I say, to that estimable citizen " The host of the Grand Canard had tears in his eyes^ and was deeply affected by this instance of gratitude — " the more so, since he had demanded payment of his bill that morning in no measured terms, only a few moments before the unfortunate gentleman was compelled to take to that bed from which he seemed never destined to rise again.'* Such was the information conveyed by himself in a whisper to Captain- Pentonville, and to which the captain most strangely replied by imi- tating the working of a coffee mill with both hands. " To that estimable citizen," continued the Polish invalid, "twenty- five thousand francs in ready money, and the sum of three hundred and nineteen francs which form the amount of my present bill — all of which shall be paid to him within a period of three months from the day of my death, by the executor of this my last will and testament ; on condition that the said landlord shall pay the expenses of my funeral — a condition which it will soon be his duty to fulfil ; for I feel — that — I am — dying ! " " Ah ! my noble Pole — my excellent gentleman ! " cried the host, " you may die in tranquillity relative to your funeral : it shall be the handsomest I can procure for money ! The bells shall ring a peal while the service lasts — and I promise you a dozen masses besides. 156 THE STEAM PACKET* Ah ! Holy Virgin ! masses shall be said for you in all the parishes round about, and at all prices ! Oh! that I should see a gentleman of such promise — of such respectability, dying before my face ! Only thinking of such a thing is enough to kill me with grief! " The invalid turned and signed the will which Captain Pentonville witnessed. " What recompense can I give you for all this trouble ?" said the dying Pole to the captain, when the business was completed. " Nothing — absolutely nothing," answered the gallant officer thus appealed to. "But stay,'-' he added, as a sudden idea flashed across his brain; " I am a singular person in my whims — very sin- gular. Since you are so kind as to offer me a recompense, I will accept it : have the kindness to will and bequeath me your coat, and let it become my property this minute." The visage of the dying man grew very blank at this demand ; but the landlord exclaimed officiously, — " Oh, certainly — the worthy gentleman cannot have the slightest objection, since he feels so sure of never wearing it again. Take it, sir, — take it." " Oh, yes — take it, sir," said the notary. " As sole executor, I freely give it to you ; and I know my client will pardon me," he added with a bewitching smile directed towards the unfortunate Pole, " when I declare that I already look upon him as a being of a happier sphere." The captain squeezed the Pole's hand with well-simulated distress at his presumed approaching dissolution ; and then, throwing the coat triumphantly over his left arm, he hurried from the chamber. Having desired the landlady not to forget the supper which he had ordered, he left the hotel, and returned to Buckram, to whom he related all that had occurred. " I should very much like to see the issue of the adventure," said the tailor, as he put on the coat which his friend had brought him, and carefully rolled up his flannel gown in a large sheet of brown paper that he happened to have about him. '* The supper and beds are ordered," mused the captain, aloud, — " and paid for too ; and the village seems retired and quiet. We must sleep somewhere too : so here goes for the Great Duck once more. But you are not going to carry that huge parcel with you ? " " Certainly I am," answered the tailor : " it looks like a little bundle of necessaries, and will prevent people from thinking that we are a couple of fugitive scamps." " I shouldn't like any one to think so either," said the captain, clenching his fist, and striking the air right before him in a most THE STEAM PACKET. 157 valiant manner. " But you are right — we must seem to travel on foot for our pleasure : so keep the bundle, by all means." In a short time the two travellers entered the hospitable portals of the Great Duck ; and as Mr. Buckram slipped cautiously in after the captain, there was no time for the landlady to observe that he wore the Pole's coat — a circumstance which she otherwise could not have failed to perceive, as it was all frogged and braided. Supper was served up: some very tolerable wine was produced; and the two travellers contrived to make a meal which amply recom- pensed them for the fatigues and alarms of the day. At about eleven o'clock Captain Pentonville ascended to the room where the invalid lay, and inquired after his health. The Pole was snoring most heartily, and by the bed-side were sitting the parson, the notary, and the landlord — all three determined to watch there until all should be over. " Sit down, sir, — sit down," said Nicholas Touchet, the landlord, in a whisper, when Captain Pentonville made his appearance ; and he handed his guest a chair. " What ! is he snoring ? " asked the captain, on whose counte- nance a kind of smile played, as he pointed towards the invalid. " I really think he does snore," answered the landlord ; " and I have said so all along, ever since he signed his will." " No — it is the death-rattle dreadfully protracted," observed the priest. " Wouldn't it be better to have medical advice ? " asked the captain. " Not for the world ! " replied the clergyman : " it would be useless." " And so you really think that is the death-rattle, holy father ? " whispered Touchet. " Certainly I do. I should not like to see him recover again, after having been confessed so beautifully." " And yet if he were to recover ? " asked the landlord, glancing uneasily towards the priest. " It is impossible, I tell you ! Besides, if he were, there would be abuse of confidence — surprise — swindling under false promises. Were he to recover, he would be a ruined man, without a vestige of reputa- tion left. The clergy always take, moreover — but never return. This is a rule without exception." *' It is just the same with innkeepers," said the landlord. " We never return anything that it is possible to keep. But — listen ! have you ever heard many dying people have such a loud and long rattle in the throat ? " 158 'THE STEAM PACKET. *' It is possible that this may be caused by some internal malforma- tion," replied the priest. " Ah ! he used to drink an awful quantity of wine," observed mine host, with a sigh : *' and the very best too — the very best that I had in my cellar. But luckily the will is there ! " Captain Pentonville kindly wished the three worthies "joy of it," and retired to join Buckram. After a few minutes' conversation, the two travellers repaired to their bedchambers, while the landlord, the priest, and the notary maintained their vigil at the bed of the invalid. Throughout the night the generous and wealthy Pole continued to sleep on soundly as before, to the great dismay of those who watched him, and who hoped every moment to see him surrender up the ghost. At day-break he opened his eyes ; and as the fast of the preceding day had improved his appetite, which was always naturally good, he de- termined to appease his hunger First and foremost, however, he started up in bed, and called out lustily for drink. The landlord hastened to give him a glass of water, which he swallowed at a draught. <4 What the devil have you given me there ? " cried Lievebewitz. " Is there no more wine in your cellar, friend Grand Canard ? " " Pardon me, my dear gentleman," answered Touchet; "but you are so weak and feeble — dying " * *' You are right ; and my lethargy has deprived me of my memory," said the invalid. " But since I am so weak, could I not have strengthening liquors to revive me?" "Ah ! my dear vicar," whispered Nicholas to the priest, " my pre- sentiments have not deceived me — he will recover ! " " If he does, I will excommunicate him J " answered the clergyman. "And I will bring an action for damages," observed the notary. " Wine ! wine ! " ejaculated the Pole ; and taking his white nightcap from his head, he threw it in the landlord's face. " Give him wine — give him all he asks for," whispered the priest, "Fever has impaired his understanding; — wine is the father of fever; and fever is the best friend that legatees possess." The landlord would have emptied his cellars, had it been necessary, to produce such desirable results ; he accordingly proceeded to his vaults, whence he speedily returned with a couple of bottles of the best and most generous wines he possessed, under each arm. Upon my honour, my dear host," said Lievebewitz, after having drunk about half a bottle of the exhilarating liquor, " I do not think I ever tasted anything better. Pray pour me out some more — again— there ; — I am very unwell — and this may be called the stirrup-cup. THE STEAM PACKET. 159 Once more — fill it up — don't be afraid — your health, gentlemen all. But, by the by, I can't undertake my last journey upon an empty stomach. Is there nothing decent left in the larder ? " Nicholas Touchet again left the room, making a most piteous face ; and in a very short time the Pole found himself sitting up in the bed before an immense pie, which he attacked with the utmost vigour, washing it down in such a manner that the last glass accompanied the last mouthful. Without uttering a word, Lievebewitz then turned round again, and began to snore away most lustily. u Ah ! " said the landlord, in a mournful voice, M 2 164 THE STEAM PACKET. Mr. Buckram's hat, which the ball struck, was carried genteelly off his head into the canal ; he himself alarmed at the incident, and pro- bably entertaining the somewhat unpleasant impression that the next aim might be taken the least thing lower down, and that a " concus- sion of the brain " might be the awkward result, glanced anxiously around ; and in another moment he fell flat upon the ground with his face downwards. " Tres Men /" said the gendarme complacently ; " at all events I shall secure one of the runaways ; " — and hurrying up to the tailor, he discovered to his surprise that this gallant personage was wholly un- hurt, but nearly dead with fright. The chains were now affixed to feet and hands ; and, as soon as he had secured his prisoner, the gen- darme mounted his horse, which he urged into a gallop after the other fugitive. The part of the country where these little incidents took place was considerably intersected with ditches, and divided by hedges and rail- ings. The progress of the gendarme was therefore considerably im- peded in his pursuit ; and he had spent an hour in fruitless researches in that direction which he supposed the captain to have taken, when he suddenly perceived a hat floating down a ditch leading towards the canal of which we have before spoken. The gendarme instantly re- newed his search with fresh vigour ; and in the course of another half hour he had the satisfaction of beholding some portion of the object of his solicitude. We say some portion — because it was, in fact, merely the head of the gallant captain which first caught the eagle eye of the police-officer, as it protruded above the muddy water and green weeds of the ditch down which the hat had previously been dis- covered floating ; and indeed never did the countenance of the captain present so deplorable an aspect to human eye. Those huge black whiskers which might have made the envy of a French grenadier, were covered with slime : upon those moustaches which had often formed the admiration of Aramintha Pifpaf, were the seeds of the ditch-weeds ; and those hyperion-glittering locks, which had so long constituted a locomotive advertisement for Rowland's Macassar oil, were dripping with filthy water, thereby resembling rats' tails after an immersion. Then, as if his face were not already sufficiently miserable in appear- ance, the captain dived his head under water the moment his visual rays encountered the unwelcome form of the gendarme. But this sage precaution was useless : the police-officer dismounted from his horse, stepped down the bank of the stream, and speedily compelled the captain to avail himself of the help of the very chain which was im- mediately afterwards to bind him once more, to effect his escape from THE STEAM PACKET. 165 the ditch, into which, it appeared, he had fallen by accident, in an attempt to leap it. Thus did the gendarme recover possession of the person of the second fugitive, whom he speedily conducted back again to the spot where he had left the first. The captain was, however, in a most de- plorable plight : his clothes were covered with mud, and of course entirely saturated with water ; and the broiling hot sun now fell ver- tically upon the uncovered heads of himself and companion. The gendarme was not, however, devoid of kindness, in spite of the trick which his prisoners had endeavoured to play him ; and he accordingly consented to stop at a neighbouring cottage, in order to allow the cap- tain an opportunity of cleansing his person, and bargaining for a change of clothes, as there was not time to wait while those in which he had suffered the immersion were dried and brushed. The peasants who inhabited the cottage gave the captain a complete suit of rustic attire — viz. canvas trousers and a blouse — in exchange for his own ; but there was not a hat in the place which would in any shape or way fit the head of either of our travellers. A further bargain was there- fore struck for two cotton nightcaps. Some food was then served up to them and the gendarme, for all of which the captain paid liberally ; and in a short time the little party was once more on its way towards Calais. The appearance of the two prisoners was now more remarkable than it had been before — and we may also say, more ludicrous. The flan- nel dressing-gown and cotton nightcap on one side — the rustic suit and ditto head-dress on the other — and the lugubrious looks on the countenances of both, with the fierce-looking gendarme in the middle^ formed a picture which could not fail to make an impression upon the most superficial beholder. Accordingly, when the party entered Calais at four o'clock in the afternoon, the inhabitants of the Rue Royale, along which it passed, hurried to door and window to catch a glimpse of the prisoners. Some declared that they were Russians in disguise, sent by the Czar to murder the King of the French : others ventured an opinion that they were Belgian smugglers : a third set hazarded a conjecture that they were French deserters : a fourth clique made up their minds that they were Polish refugees; and only one or two for a moment thought that they could be English swindlers. Mean- time the object of these surmises traversed the Grande Place, and speedily stopped at the Hotel de Ville, or Town-hall, where they were introduced into the presence of the Commissary of Police. That functionary had not put one single question to the prisoners who stood before him, but was still engaged in listening to the narra- 166 THE STEAM PACKET. tive which the gendarme was giving relative to the motives of their capture and its consequences, when a town-sergeant entered the office, and addressed himself to the magistrate in the following terms : — " Sir, there is a young Englishman outside, having the appearance of a livery servant, who was standing near the Town-hall when the pri- soners were brought in. He immediately uttered an exclamation show- ing that he is acquainted with them ; and he now solicits admission." " By all means," said the Commissary of Police : " allow him to come in." Scarcely were the words uttered, and the town-sergeant reached the door, when Tom Gibbins rushed violently past him, and, hastening up to the prisoners, saluted them with the greatest respect, whispering at the same time, " Pifpaf 's all right : he don't know nothin' wrong. Had n't I better go and fetch him, if so be there 's any think queer agin you ? " "There is nothing, Tom," answered the captain. "This gen- darme -" '* Stay ! " cried the Commissary ; and Mr. Gibbins was instantly separated from the prisoners by the powerful hand of the town- sergeant. An interpreter was sent for; and the Commissary then proceeded to question that faithful servant in the following manner : — "Who are you?" " One Tummas Gibbins," was the reply. «■ What are you ? " " A walley-de-sham to that there gen'leman there ; and as walley- de-sham is out-an'-out French, and no gammon, you can't any vay mistake that there." " Who is your master? " " Captain Pentonweal — and von o' the most properest young gen'le- men he is too, I rayther think." " Who is his companion ? " " The Right Reverend — no the Right Honourable Lord Noodleton." " Where did you see them last? " " Yesterday mornin' at Gravlings ; " — and Tom then proceeded to explain in his own peculiar way how the two prisoners formed a part of the company voyaging for pleasure and intellectual profit in the Steam- Packet which had arrived that afternoon at Calais ; how they had quarrelled with each other at Gravelines ; how Mr. Pifpaf, in his capa- city of Chairman of the society to which they belonged, had sought the interference of gendarmes ; how the two gentlemen were determined to Sght a duel, and accordingly escaped in the best way they could out THE STEAM PACKET. 167 of the hotel ; and how Mr. Pifpaf was at that moment at Quillacq's Hotel, and might be sent for to corroborate the statement. " The matter begins to wear a very different aspect from what I ex- pected," said the Commissary. " Let this Mr. Pifpaf be sent for." While the town-sergeant was gone to Quillacq's Hotel, to procure the attendance of Mr. Pifpaf, Captain Pentonville, who was quite en* livened by the assurance that he might still look upon the chairman of the Luminaries as a friend, proceeded to give an explanation on his side. He stated that the quarrel between himself and his lordship was of that " delicate nature " which required an exchange of pistol- shots ; that shots were accordingly exchanged, and no harm done ; that hands were then shaken ; that the pistols, which they had carried away with them from the hotel at Gravelines, were thrown away into a ditch ; that all subsequent alarms consisted only in the fear of being arrested and punished for fighting a duel, they being wholly ignorant of the laws of the country; that they had not provided themselves with passports previous to leaving England, as they understood that it was not necessary to go through that ceremony when the intention was merely to visit the French towns upon the coast, and not pene- trate to any distance into the interior of the country ; and, lastly, that he and his companion Lord Noodleton, of Diddleham Hall, Notown, feeling themselves excessively outraged by the infamous, barbarous, unchristian, and uncivilised conduct pursued towards them, should instantly communicate the whole facts of the case to their most parti- cular and intimate friend, the English Ambassador in Paris. "Sir," said the Commissary, " I first notice that menace with which you concluded your observations, to state that I am perfectly indifferent to it, as the very suspicious circumstances of the case warranted all the steps taken towards you. I am, however, now perfectly well aware that an awkward misapprehension has occurred ; and the moment your friend Mr. Pifpaf arrives to corroborate your servant's statement, I shall release you." At that moment the chairman of the Luminaries entered the office, and glanced hastily around to ascertain why he had been sent for, as the town-sergeant had not attempted to make him comprehend the mo- tive. The eyes of the chairman were immediately arrested by features which, he thought, were familiar to him ; — but the garbs and the posi- tion — impossible I Cotton nightcaps and chains — flannel dressing- gowns and blouses, — these could scarcely be associated with ideas of Captain and Lord ! Great, therefore, was the surprise of the chair- man when he found that the voices which addressed him were really those of Pentonville and Noodleton — his two intended sons-in-law — T68 THE STEAM PACKET. the companions of his travels — the most influential of the Luminaries next to himself, — and they, too, in chains, dressing-gowns, blouses, and cotton nightcaps. Before, however, any elucidation of these va- rious mysteries was vouchsafed to him, the Commissary of Police pro- ceeded to examine him (through the interpreter) ; and finding that his statement completely tallied with that of Mr. Thomas Gibbins, the prisoners were forthwith released. Tom Gibbins was then des- patched to the hotel for suitable garments for the two gentlemeH, from their own trunks ; and the Commissary kindly allowed them the use of his own private room, adjoining the office, to arrange their toilet. We shall not stay to mention all the gentle remonstrances of Mr. Pifpaf, relative to quarrels amongst friends, the wickedness of duelling, and the dreadful crime of jeopardising that life which the Almighty has given (the worthy gentleman had himself murdered some thou- sands of hogs in his time) ; — we shall not tarry to describe the affect- ing meeting which took place between Miss Aramintha and the cap- tain, or the tender glances which were exchanged between Belinda and the tailor ; — nor shall we attempt to narrate the highly embel- lished and considerably improved account of their adventures which the two truants gave that evening after dinner, for the behoof of the assembled Luminaries. Suffice it to say that all matters seemed once more to have been placed upon a very comfortable footing ; and that both the captain and tailor now laughed heartily in their sleeves at those foolish alarms which had plunged them into a series of such ludicrous adventures. Now the rest of the comments upon those matters, and the sage ob- servations which they evoked, and the animated discussions they gave rise to amongst the tribe of the Luminaries, — are they not written in, the Book of their Archives by the pen of Rumtutch ? THE STEAM PACKET. 169 CHAPTER XVIII. A FEW WORnS UPON CALAIS. MR. BUCKRAM AND MR. SMALB AOAIN. There is something exquisitely plea- sant in sitting upon a pier projecting far out into the sea, and surveying the immense expanse of waters stretching almost all around you. If you have cares to devour in secret, the gloomy aspect of the element in its hour of coming storm seems to frown in unison with your own dark fate : and if you have joys on which you would ponder, the face of the sunny deep, as it lies cradled in tranquillity in its mighty bed, appears to wear the smile of fellowship. Have you little domestic disputes to arrange with your better half, conduct her to the pier — provided you live near one ; let her either imbibe the soothing and calming influence of the silent sea, when it is in repose, swathed in blue and purple ; or may you both perceive the folly of indulging in your own rude passions, by marking with what useless violence the ocean, in the moments of its fury, lashes on the sounding strand. Many a moral is taught by the mighty deep: and not another section of the vast whole of Nature retains her secrets, and preserves her mysteries so faithfully or so well. The ocean, like the avaricious miser, clings to the treasures which its own mad career- ing has caused the powerless vessel to pour into its depths — those caverns of eternal silence, fearful even as the tomb : — more fatal than war, pestilence, or famine, the ocean swallows up its victims from day to day, nor contents itself with human hecatombs at long intervals of time ; and less stable than even the vacillating mind of the most capri- cious coquette, that same powerful but inconstant ocean suddenly sur- rounds with all its terrors the luckless mariner whom but a few hours before it wooed to its bosom by the melodious sounds of its gentle ripples, the sunny smiles of its countenance, and the balmy breath which waved over its vast expanse ! The pier at Calais is nearly three quarters of a mile long, and, at high water, is the most agreeable lounge afforded by any seaport with I/O THE STEAM PACKET. which we are acquainted. We do not mean on account of the people one meets there — for the specimens of English residents in Calais are of the same genus as those found in debtors' gaols or low taverns in London : but that lounge is charming in consequence of the immense distance to which one may walk out, as it were, upon the sea — the ample view of the vast element which is obtained from the extremity of the jetty — the picturesque appearance of the numerous fishing ves- sels moving upon the water in the immediate vicinity — and the pleasant reminiscences of home which are aroused in the mind by the approach of the gallant steam-ships from the opposite shore, as well as by the glimpse of the white cliffs of old England which may be caught on a cloudless day. Some years ago Calais was the favourite French watering-place with the English ; but the bad reputation which they contrived to create there for the British nation in general — the institution of facilities to reach other towns upon the marine frontier, direct from England — and the badness of the road from Calais to Paris, have now combined to render that town as unpopular as it once was famed amongst travellers. Several of the principal hotels are either closed or kept open at an im- mense loss : and the numerous boarding and lodging houses, which depended solely upon the English for their support, are now miser- able speculations. The theatre presents nothing but "a beggarly ac- count of empty boxes," although open three times a week : the baths are a failure j and the proprietors of cafes deplore the " good old times " when English gentlemen used to arrive in Calais, on their way to per- form the grand tour, and lose in one night at ecarte every fraction of the funds which could alone grease the carriage-wheels for the con- templated journey. Yes — many an Englishman has arrived in Calais with the intention of going to Constantinople, and never afterwards moved forward another step of his journey, but lived a wretched and degraded existence in that French frontier town which was the first step of the grand travel he proposed, and which has become the last one to the tomb ! Many a noble English heart hath been broken in Calais — many a glorious soul levelled to the dust within its walls — many a proud and generous spirit been reduced to crawl from coffee- house to tavern, careless of what indignity it must submit to, to what meanness resort, to obtain its daily meal ! Calais has been the grave of myriads of bright English hopes — and glorious aspirations — and noble sentiments — and honourable feelings : as the ocean is to the rich cargoe, which is trusted to its delusive waters, so has Calais proved to the mind freighted with every qualification calculated to command and insure success in life. All the vile passions of human nature have THE STEAM PACKET. 171 seemed for years to choose that spot as their chief Pandemonium, in preference to any other ; for not all the lowest dens of Paris, nor the sinks of London, nor the stews of Vienna, can furnish forth a more fearful catalogue of crimes, deeds of depravity, and horrible instances of human infamy, than Calais. As a town, this place has many recommendations. It is remark- ably clean, and very regularly built ; it possesses an immense market- place, streets tolerably wide, splendid hotels, commodious lodging- houses, and agreeable promenades ; and, in point of health, it is one of the most salubrious spots in the world. It is flourishing as a place of commerce ; and, during the last war, many of the inhabitants made large fortunes by privateering. The French in Calais are by no means a favourable specimen of the nation generally — they having been ren- dered mistrustful, severe, and prejudiced, with regard to foreigners, by the innumerable rascalities practised upon them, we regret to say, by our own countrymen. In a word, an Englishman in Calais is looked upon, necessarily, as a rogue ; whereas in any other part of France he is considered in quite an opposite point of view. The morning after the incidents related in the last chapter, Mr. Smale watched Mr. Buckram in pretty well the same manner as a sheriff's officer dodges a gentleman out of one county into another, when the writ held by the aforesaid functionary is in the latter ; and at length he succeeded in driving the tailor into a corner of the coffee-room at Quillacq's Hotel, where he pounced upon him, as one general does on another whom he has forced into a defile. Mr. Buckram saw that an explanation was inevitable ; and affecting to be now suddenly aware for the first time that the young Custom-House clerk wanted to speak to him, he put a good face upon the matter, as he said, " Holloa, Smale, my good friend — how are you? I haven't had an opportunity of saying a word to you scarcely since my return." • " My lord, I have been anxious to have five minutes' conversation with your lordship," began the clerk, fidgetting about with his watch- chain, which festooned over his waistcoat. " Very natural, Smale — very natural," cried the tailor; "as your executor and trustee, I ought always to be accessible to you. Indeed,, it was only an hour ago, while I was writing to my most particular and intimate friend the Archbishop of York, that I used these words in my letter — ' My young friend Smale has imposed an arduous task upon me, — that of executing a trust for his amiable family, whom I have never yet had the pleasure of seeing ; but who, if at all resembling him, must be everything kind, deserving, charming, and ingratiating.' These were the very words I used. By the by, here is a copy of the 172 THE STEAM PACKET. letter — I always keep copies of my dispatches, just as I should the patterns and shapes of the suit " "I am really deeply indebted to your lordship for your good opinion," said Mr. Smale, whose countenance was again brilliant with joy. "tBut at the same time " " Oh !' here 's the letter," said Buckram, whose hands had dived into all his pockets in apparent search after a copy of the very impor- tant document alluded to, and who now drew forth a long slip, all crumpled up together, but which, when unrolled, proved to be the last washing-bill delivered to him by Mrs. Gibbins in the slums behind Truman and Hanbury's brewery. " No — that isn't it, though," con- tinued the tailor, hastily returning the paper to his pocket : " never mind', however, I wrote and sent it — that's all I know; and to- morrow your name will be as familiar in the Archbishop's mouth as * cabbage' in that of a tailor." " That is an honour which I cannot too much appreciate, my lord," said Mr. Smale. " And now, perhaps, your lordship will allow me to relieve you from that task which nothing, save the excitement of the moment of peril, would have rendered me bold enough to impose upon your lordship." " My dear friend Smale, don't talk of it — don't mention it ! " ejacu- lated Buckram, clapping his hands into his breeches' pockets, and stretching out his legs so as to form an isosceles triangle with the ground ; — " the trouble is a pleasure, I can assure you ; and as it is my intention to add a thousand pounds " " That very instance of extreme kindness on the paft of your lord- ship renders it less necessary that I should make over my own money,, at least as yet, to Aunt Susan, my dear old grandmother, Mary Mur* gatroyd, and Tim Macartby." " Ah ! Smale, Smale! don't be extravagant !'" said the tailor,. shak- ing his head gravely : " don't go and spend the money in an idle and riotous manner — don't waste your substance, my dear friend Smale ! " " Nothing is farther from my purpose, my lord," replied the clerk. M Indeed, my motive for soliciting your lordship to restore it to me is to put it into the French Funds, which give six per cent, for money ; and I have an opportunity of sending it on to Paris for investment this very morning." " The devil ! " murmured Buckram. " But, Smale, my good fel- low — don't you think you'd better let me pay you the six per cent. ? — I should do it much more safely than any bank in the world, because I am your friend — I admire, I respect you; and thus there is the motive of friendship superadded to that of duty." THE STEAM PACKET, 173 " Really, my lord, I should he ashamed to give your lordship all this trouble," said Mr. Smale, passing his fingers through his red hair ; " and therefore I should much prefer " *! But, my dear fellow," interrupted Buckram, " your money is gone ! " " Gone ? " cried Smale, starting. " Yes — gone — for good — for much good," answered Buckram. " To tell you the real truth, and not to keep you in suspense any longer — although I did mean to reserve this surprise until a future day — I have already invested your money for you, and to excellent purpose too I You '11 make a hundred and sixty per cent., and not the slightest risk in the world. I have this very day placed your cash, along with sixty thousand of my own, in the security of which I am speaking ! " " Oh ! that alters the case, my lord," said the credulous clerk : " I ©f course was not aware that your lordship would take so much trouble on my account." " Trouble, my good fellow ! " ejaculated Buckram ; " I would do anything I could in the world for you, from placing out your money at interest, down to — what ? — why — putting a new seat into your black kersey " " And might I inquire in what enterprise you have invested the money, my lord ? " inquired Mr. Smale, who was too much occupied with the idea of a hundred and sixty per cent, for his little savings, to pay much attention to the latter portion of his patron's sentence. " What have I invested the money in ? " repeated Mr. Buckram, seeming astonished and almost annoyed at being asked a question which he was pleased to appear to think could scarcely require an answer : " what have I invested the money in ? Why — in what could I have embarked this amount — in what could I have ventured a sum, the loss of which would, I do not hesitate to say, seriously embarrass me, — in what could I have placed our joint funds, Smale ? — is that your question ? " "Yes, my lord," meekly replied the clerk, who little suspected that all these fine flourishes were to enable his patron to rack his imagination for the most attractive name he could bestow upon an enterprise which existed only in his imagination. " What is the speculation ? " continued Buckram : '* did you say, what is the speculation ? Why — what could it be but the Royal ' Hot Joints from One to Five Daily ' Company ? " As he uttered these words, Buckram extended his arm and pushed Mr. Smale gently back to the full extent of it, while he surveyed him with a solemnity which certainly impressed the Custom-House clerk 174 THE STEAM FACKET. with a more pleasing idea concerning the grandeur of the speculation proposed, than even its long and explicit name. We before stated that this conversation took place in the coffee-room of Quillacq's hotel, where several persons besides the few Luminaries present at the moment were also discoursing together. Mr. Pifpaf and Mr. Rumtutch had gone out for a walk in one direction — Captain Pentonville and Aramintha in another — and Mrs. Pifpaf and her other two daughters were busily employed in certain domestic arrangements with regard to their wardrobes, in their own chambers. The greater number of the Luminaries had strolled out in small parties ; and the half dozen who, besides Buckram, were left in the coffee-room, were conversing with three or four Englishmen, also travellers, and residing for the moment at the same hotel as themselves. One of these in particular had only arrived there that same morning. He was a man of about forty, with red face, enormous rotundity of person, and sporting kind of garb. " And how was your lordship enabled to invest the money this day, if I might be allowed to ask the question ?" inquired Mr. Smale, con- tinuing the preceding conversation, and putting a query which arose from curiosity, and by no means from suspicion. *' My dear Smale," whispered Mr. Buckram, " I see I must make you the confidant of all my little secrets. You see that person with the blue checked neckerchief, and the lily benjamin sitting in the window-seat there ? " "The stout English gentleman who only came into the room a few minutes ago, and who brought his carpet bag with him ? " said Mr. Smale inquiringly. " The same," answered Buckram, still in a whisper. *' Do not stare at him too hard — he has particular reasons for not wishing to be known. In a word, he is the projector and general manager of the Royal ' Hot Joints from One to Five Daily , Company, and is come over to France to procure shareholders. This very morning he showed me his credentials — laid his papers before me— and received a cheque from me for the whole amount of your shares and mine. But he will not even recognise me — he will affect not to know me : he is afraid that it will become noised abroad who he is, and then all the French cooks would set upon him as a rival — as the founder of an institution which will shortly have auxiliary branches in every town in the world — and he would be torn to pieces. You see his prudence— and you must admire it. I keep his secret from all but you, because you have a right to know it : don't breathe it to another living soul ! " Mr. Buckram uttered these last words with a truly "melodramatic THE STEAM PACKET. 175 mystery of tone and manner : then, in an equally tragic fashion, he burst away from his young friend and left the room ; whereupon Mr. Smale, overjoyed at the brilliant prospects opening before him under the patronage of the Earl of Noodleton, drew near to listen to the dis- course of his brother Luminaries and the other English travellers. " Waita ' ! " said a young gentleman — one of the strangers — who had rung the bell to summon the functionary whom he thus ad- dressed : " let me have some vermicella' soup — and some oysta's — and some sheep's trotta's — and one of those chops, you know, cooked in papa' (paper) — and a potata' — to conclude with fried brains and melted butta,' for my dinna' ? " " Waiter ! " cried another of the English strangers, " let me have some vermiceller also — and some sausagers with tomater sauce — and some fried potaters — and rice with suger ; and here, I say — you feller ! — give me the list of wines out o ' the winder — there 'tis now, stupid ! close by your elber. What next ? — you have knocked down the sofer piller!" "And waita' ! " said the first speaker, " add a fritta' to my dinna' ; and in the meantime give me a tumbla' of soda' wata', with a drop of Madeira, ginga', and suga'." " And waiter," observed the second traveller, "you may alser give me a bottle of soder water. Stay, though — I '11 take a glass of Mala- ger ; and after dinner, mind and let me have some nice moker coffee." " There is the military band passing by ! " observed a Luminary, after a short pause, the silence of which was interrupted by the sound of the martial music. " Ah ! a vary purty march, no doubt," cried a third traveller; " but I loike the Dook of York's better. You 'aven't sich millinary bands in Calais as is to be 'eard at St. Jeemes's, you know. I 'aven't seed nothink so good in France not yet. I seed a actress last night at the theayter vary much applauded — but I didn't hencore her. She 's not calkilated to be a fifth rate 'un at Common Gard'n or Doory Lane. Boy the boye, the world is only in the hinfantry o' the 'istoryonic hart. English preformers never haspirate the haitch, in sich words, for in- stance, has hink and hoats, and leave out the rv in voice and wanity, and make nothink of omitting the k in somethink. But arter all, the greatest fernomenon I ever seed was Maister Baittey, the young Bow- shus ; and I loike precostuosity." Mr. Smale found nothing at all interesting in this style of conversa- tion ; and so, after listening to it for a few moments, he took up his hat, and sauntered out of the hotel. But as he was crossing the Grande Place, or market-place, he encountered Mr. Pifpaf in company with a 176 THE STEAM PACKET. tall English gentleman, middle-aged, not over well attired, and whose acquaintance the worthy chairman had formed about an hour previ- ously upon the pier. The gentleman, it appeared, was a resident in Calais, and his name was Bambross. He was a sort of literary scrub, writing an article in the first number of every new magazine which started, and which never saw a second ; vamping up French anec- dotes into tales to suit the fastidious English, and glorifying himself on account of their insertion in the London penny publications, at the rate of five shillings a column of very small type ; and composing letters for those of his fellow-countrymen who resided in Calais, and whose slender knowledge of orthography would not allow them to trust themselves with the composition of any important document. Mr. Bambross was therefore well acquainted with all the English in- habitants of Calais ; and, as he stood in the middle of the market-place, with Mr. Pifpaf on one side, Mr. Smale on another, and his umbrella under his arm, he described in his own graphic way, the various English characters who happened to be lounging about at the same time. " That," said Mr. Bambross, pointing to a stout old gentleman, who was walking with a little boy, " is Mr. Muscovado; gross in person, and formerly grocer in trade ; tired of, and re-tired from business, — who thinks that his son shines, and builds castles in the heir,'" " A sleek, contented-looking gentleman," observed Mr. Pifpaf. " But who is that thin person, with the red waistcoat and broad- brimmed hat?" ' ■ From New York direct," aswered Mr. Bambross ; " a pretty con- siderable traveller, I guess — a collector of fiction, and recorder of fact — smiling on the English and French in this hemisphere, and black- guarding them in his own ; in a word, the personification of a steamer, upon the low-pressure system, that sails across the Atlantic for the purpose of issuing smoke in two thick volumes." " Who is that lady now crossing the market-place ? " inquired Mr. Pifpaf. " There, she has just entered the library opposite." " Oh ! Miss Yellowleaf," replied Mr. Bambross, changing his um- brella from one arm to the other : " a lady lean and literary, and whose age is at the present period of her life explained by her name. She is suspected of contributing an acrostic to an album, convicted of revising a charade for an almanack, and once found guilty of a rebus. She is moreover the possessor of a five-franc prize-medal for the best address upon the opening of a new " " Theatre ? " said Mr. Smale, inquiringly. " No — a new Tea-caddy," answered Mr. Bambross. " She has a niece — mind, only a niece — about fifteen, who plays all the new airs, THE STEAM PACKET. 177 sings all the new songs, dances all the new dances, reads all the new novels, follows all the new fashions, and is all in all with her aunt." " And that gentleman there ? " said Mr. Pifpaf, pointing towards a middle-aged, seedy-looking, melancholy-visaged person, with a huge bamboo in his hand, <£>&?72&tJ. ■:JSmei\"ftei /<-. ' ''->/''■ \ • ' ■ : ■ ■ • " ' • ' ■ R3R. T#E STEAM PACKET. 225 f^ * of its contents, as all it did contain was the stone thrown at the Lord Mayor in the month of March, 1 839. Mr. Buckram now rose, and, after applauding the objections adduced by his friend the captain, declared it to be his opinion that the best thing to suppress the insur- rection would be to make an immediate example of old Eumtutch, by thrashing and ducking him in his bed without a moment's delay. Mr. Smale vainly spoke for a quarter of an hour against this measure : he and Mr. Pifpaf were packed off to bed ; — and Captain Pentonville remained with Mr. Buckram to execute the proposed plan of vengeance. These two gentlemen, having maturely digested their plans, pro- ceeded to call Mr. Gibbins to their aid ; and thus reinforced, they re- paired to the chamber of Mr. Rumtutch. This daring rebel was in bed, but not asleep. Schemes of ambition chased away balmy slum- bers from his pillow. He turned and tossed upon his feverish couch, while before him passed visions of glory and power which dazzled his mental eyes — his physical ones being at the moment useless, as the chamber was pitch dark. He reflected upon the bold step he had taken : his plans were matured — he had possessed himself of the key to power, for the treasurer was his confederate — and he doubted not that another four and twenty hours' space would behold him Chairman of the Luminaries. But — ah ! dread thought — he would be an usurper ; and his name would go down to posterity with that of King John and Richard the Third. Yes — he reflected upon all this : and his consola- tion was derived from the fact that, if he were an usurper, Napoleon and Louis Philippe would be associated with him in the undying page of history. The temptation was too great : yes— he must proceed ! Besides, it was too late to retract. The most powerful of the Lu- minaries had declared in his favour ; the rest would be compelled to submit to his rule. Already did he see the words, " Rumtutch, Chairman," at the head of the ordinances: already did he fancy him- self welcomed with shouts of applause when he set foot upon the deck of the Steam Packet ; — already did he imagine himself to be the centre of attraction to crowds of Luminaries, who, with admiration depicted upon their countenances, pointed him out to their children, saying, " There goes Rumtutch, the new chairman ! " All this he enjoyed by anticipation ; all this he fancied ; and much more of the same kind of felicity would he doubtless have experienced in his reverie, had not his waking dreams of greatness been most rudely and abruptly inter- rupted by a torrent of cold water which fell, like an Alpine cataract, upon his devoted person as he reclined upon that couch which was the scene of his ambitious aspirations. A terrible yell issued from the lips of Mr. Rumtutch, accompanied Q 226 THE STEAM PACKET. with an oath which the reader will not insist upon our recording. But scarcely had he time to start up in his bed, when blows, thick as hail, showered down upon bim from invisible hands (it being, as we be- fore observed, pitch dark) ; and again, and again, did floods of water deluge him and his couch. Half dead with the punishment he re- ceived, and dripping like a drowned rat, the poor wretch implored for mercy, in a voice so piteous that it induced his tormentors to desist. " That 's the vay to sarve out fellers as. wants to usurp a hauthority for vhich they ain't no more intended by natur than I am to perside at the dining table at Vindsor Castle," suddenly exclaimed a voice, when the blows and the water ceased to pour upon the body of the insurgent leader. " Oh ! Mr. Gibbins," cried the unfortunate wight, almost suffocated and entirely covered over with bruises, " pray have mercy upon me, and I '11 never — no, I '11 never do anything against Mr. Pifpaf and his friends again." " Villain ! " cried Captain Pentonville : " you won't be able to look honest men, like us, in the face as long as you live." "I always knew a fellow that wore such rum smalls couldn't be good for much," observed Mr. Buckram. Mr. Rumtutch recognised the voices of these gentlemen, and re- newed his protestations of good conduct for the future. " You must withdraw the proclamation, in the first place ! " said the captain. " And declare that your confederates were the mainsprings of the conspiracy, and that they compelled you to take the lead," proceeded the tailor. "And find sek-urities for your wery immakilate behaviour in future," added Mr. Gibbins ; " yourself in a fi' pun note, and a couple o' house- keepers in two pun' ten each." " Anything — anything, my good friends," said Mr. Rumtutch, who shivered with cold and writhed with pain : " only for God's sake let me change my linen, and lie down to rest." " Go and get alight, Tom," said the captain; " we must have the revocation of the pronunciamento signed at once." Mr. Gibbins departed to execute his master's commission ; and while he was gone Mr. Buckram read the delinquent a long lecture upon the impropriety of kicking against the powers that be, the ingratitude he had manifested towards his mild and merciful ruler, and the happi- ness he ought to experience in having been only ducked in his bed instead of in a horse-pond, and belaboured with fists instead of a good rattan. " For my part," added the tailor, " I have totally lost all confidence in you ; and so far from recommending you, as I some time THE STEAM PACKET. 227 ago hinted, to my good friend the Chancellor of the Exchequer, may I be d d if I'd even give you an introduction to the Clerk of the Kitchen or the Royal Sweep. I always thought there was ■ gallows ' written on your face ; and I 'd any time wager a Taglioni against a new hat that you '11 dance upon nothing yet before you 've done." When this comforting discourse was concluded, the light arrived, and Mr. Rumtutch proceeded to change his linen, while Captain Pen- tonville drew up a complete revocation of the rebellious proclamation, and a denunciation of the other parties thereto as the real ringleaders in the insurrectionary movement. This paper Mr. Rumtutch signed, and the three loyalist conquerors attested it as witnesses, Mr. Gibbins writing his name in bold letters of the same size as the large hand in a boy's copy-book, declaring, at the time, " that he did so to perwent any mistake in a dokiment of such wery fust-rate importance." The matter being thus settled, Captain Pentonville, Mr. Buckram, and Mr. Gibbins withdrew in triumph, leaving Mr. Rumtutch to settle him- self to slumber as well as he could in a bed flooded with water, and amidst the painful reflections caused by blighted ambition and ruined prospects. At seven o'clock on the following morning Mr. Pifpaf was attended by his plenipotentiaries, Captain Pentonville and the soi-disant Lord Noodleton ; and the following proclamation was hastily drawn up : — "PIFPAF, CHAIRMAN. " Whereas certain seditious, evil-disposed, malicious, and disor- derly persons, not having the fear of disgrace and dishonour before their eyes, have thought proper to issue a vile, scandalous, malignant, base, and scurrilous proclamation, tending to bring the high office of Chairman of the Honourable and Independent Order of Luminaries into disrepute, and to remove from that office Timothy Pifpaf, by force, and other foul, scandalous, dishonest, unlawful, and derogatory means : this is to give notice that measures have been taken to sup- press this unparalleled conduct, and to provide against its recurrence. And be it moreover understood, that, should any Luminaries connive, conspire, meet, assemble, unite, combine, associate, or collect for such unlawful purposes in future, they will be punished by expulsion, and their names handed down to the execration of all posterity. "LONG LIFE TO PIFPAF!" This proclamation was immediately posted up in the lable-d'hote room, and the sensation it produced was wondrous. Those gentlemen Q 2 228 THE STEAM PACKET. present who were not Luminaries wondered what the devil it could mean ; and those who were, immediately set up a loud and prolonged shout of " Pifpaf for ever ! " Those members of the Executive Com- mittee who remained faithful to their allegiance then assembled, and presented a congratulatory address to Mr. Pifpaf for the strenuous and decisive measures he had adopted to nip the insurrection in the bud. Thanks were also voted to " Lord Noodleton and Captain Pentonville for their great services in the cause of constitutional freedom, and their zeal in crushing the democratic spirit which would have under- mined the whole principles of the Honourable and Independent Order." A piece of plate was, moreover, unanimously voted to the venerable and respected chairman ; and a sub-committee was appointed to pre- sent it to him in the course of the day. We may, therefore, as well here observe that a very handsome silver tooth-pick was that afternoon offered to Mr. Pifpaf as a mark of esteem for his character, and appro- bation of his conduct during his long administration of the affairs of the Luminaries. But these were not all the measures resolved upon and executed on that memorable day by the Executive Committee. All the conspi- rators who had signed^the proclamation — or who, in the fashionable language of the day, when describing Spanish affairs, had pronounced — were ordered to be reprimanded. Mr. Rumtutch was removed from the office of secretary, Mr. Tiptile from that of treasurer, Messrs. Crumplings, Kruby, and Glassnose from their situations of auditors, and Mr. Nibkins from his post (a sinecure, and therefore the more honourable) of curator of the museum. New appointments were im- mediately made, Captain Pentonville suffering himself to be persuaded — but not without much remonstrance — to accept the post of trea- surer, in virtue of which change Mr. Tiptile was compelled immedi- ately to hand over to him the whole sum subscribed for the travelling expenses of the club. All these proceedings were duly confirmed by Mr. Pifpaf; and thus terminated one of the most memorable attempts at revolution ever recorded in history. If we consider the magnitude of the design contemplated — the boldness with which the first step was taken — and the rank of the conspirators, we cannot but feel astonished that the seeds of the revolt were so easily crushed the moment they were sown. Moreover, while we admire the firmness and resolution displayed by the adherents of the established dynasty, and the weak- ness exhibited by the usurper in the moment of danger, we must con- gratulate the world upon the triumph achieved by the more deserving and competent party. And if we require any additional proof of the thoroughly unprincipled motives which swayed the ambitious Rum- THE STEAM PACKET. 229 tutch, we need not travel far to find them — for they were furnished by his precipitate flight the moment after his removal from office, from the scene of his unsuccessful attempt at sovereign power, and the fact that he departed with half a dozen of the hotel silver spoons in his pocket. - CHAPTER XXI. IN WHICH MR. BUCKRAM ENCOUNTERS A RIVAL OF A DESPERATE DESCRIPTION. We can scarcely conceive a more humiliating position, to a right- thinking mind, than that of a weak, proud man, reduced from a sphere of wealth which he never lifted a finger to earn, to become a mere narrator of its influence, while he possessed and abused it. Such men too have we known ; men who once held their noses lest the wind should come between an honest mechanic and their nobility, while their own character stank in the public nostrils ; and who, in speaking of the masses, were wont to dwell upon the hardships they entailed on society, and the impropriety of their ever having been born. "While we can feel for and deeply sympathise with a truly unfortunate man in the loss of property honestly acquired, we yet regard it as an instruc- tive moral spectacle, when a man of the class we have indicated is seen pointing out with retrospective vanity the splendid palace in which he flourished, and dwelling upon the luxurious condition which (through accident or something worse) was his, before he was reduced in funds and fashion, and compelled to occupy an humbler station and a less am- bitious mansion. How different is his position, who in walking through a metropolis where he has acquired wealth and honourable distinction, can point to a rickety workshop or lowly dwelling in an obscure street or alley, and say, " There, by the # labour of these hands, and by honest dealings with my fellow men, I laid the sure foundation of that for- tune which I now enjoy." These observations are made by every well constituted and right thinking mind, after a contemplation of the English "gentlemen" who are seen lurking about the Grande Place, on the pier, or in the cafes at Calais. They have nearly all known wealth — at all events they have been acquainted with " better days," as the phrase goes ; and all that remains for them is to talk of the times when they hunted with 230 THE STEAM PACKET. Lord So-and-so's hounds, won such-and-such a stake at Doncaster or Epsom, or drove down Regent Street in such-and-such a turn-out. From having revelled in every kind of luxury, and indulged in all species of extravagance, they have fallen down to a condition almost bordering upon mendicity — their only visible means of support being the bounty of their friends. Of course the gaming-table, the billiard- room, and private play afford certain subsidies at various times ; — but those are precarious ; and the routine of the existence of the expatri- ated English dwelling in Calais is a perpetual struggle after the means of support. Each day brings its new devices to obtain the principal meal — and each day may some new meanness, some fresh delinquency, or some novel stroke of finesse be recorded in the history of their lives. How far more happy, and how useful as members of society would those men become, were they to emigrate to some land where, by labour and diligence, they might again achieve for themselves a com- petency independent of the precarious bounty of friends or the chances of the gaming-table ? They would reply, were such a proposal made to them, that they could not forget that they were once gentlemen. This is the answer, too, of many hundreds — aye, thousands of young men who, ruined in hopes and fortunes, are still hanging about those great cities which were the scenes of their former frolics and gaieties — their debaucheries and their vices. How changed is this disposition in the American — how different the conduct of the ruined Yankees ! Let us not despise the independent soul of the backwoodsman in the far west ; nor contemn those hopeful tokens of these times, when American poets and scholars are turning their faces to the fields, not to find flowers and rivulets there, but the rich harvest of corn and grain ; — yes, looking at labour in the land and in the workshop as the true school for the intellect and the soul — returning to the simplicity of innocence and natural habits by the discipline of a high refinement of the man- ners and cultivation of the mind. Extremes meet; and the American poet and scholar are now doing from choice, by arguments drawn from experience and thought, what the husbandman does by the promptings of necessity, the calls of hunger, and the sense of self-preservation. It is not difficult to see what effect this must have upon the sons of labour in that land ; what a new value will be given to the employments of manual labour ; what spring and sinew will be infused into the limbs of the labourer, when he finds the gifted, the cultivated, the rich and refined, coming back to repose upon the bosom of a mother they had begun to scorn ! His labour will be lightened, not by requiring less physical exertion, but because his heart will be in it ; it will be cheer- THE STEAM PACKET. 231 ful, respectable in his own eyes, from such companionship. He will no longer consider himself as doomed to a hard life, as the serf of the soil, but as leading the true life ordained by Providence for man. A great poem may result from this at some future time. When this battle now going on between the true and the false, the artificial cus- toms and natural impulses shall be ended, and the question settled, some Homer will arise to tell the story of a great revolution. The shame the scholar now suffers who advocates new doctrines may be his great glory ; that he is able to withstand the temptation of a small present possession for a great future good to his race. Like Peter of Russia, he may leave his throne for a while to work at the bench of the mechanic ; and so be able to build a monument for himself of materials that will not perish with time. The characteristics of English society at Calais being not very agree- able nor attractive, for the reasons already stated, Mr. Pifpaf avoided all connexion with it ; and after the scene at the billiard-table, Mr. Bambross did not attempt to intrude himself any more upon the Lu- minaries. There was, however, an English lawyer in Calais — a Mr. Latitat — who had cast the eyes of affection upon Miss Belinda Pifpaf, and who, not being aware that the supposed Lord Noodleton was, to use a common, and therefore homely expression, " very sweet in that quarter," determined to storm the castle in the most gallant manner possible. Mr. Latitat, being forty years of age, had arrived at those years of discretion when a tedious courting is considered by no means agreeable; and, therefore, he sat down to his desk to indite an epistle to Miss Belinda, in the same Qff-hand but decided manner in which he would have written to a debtor to give notice of legal proceedings for the recovery of a sum due. The epistle being a curiosity in its way, is here given at length : — " Madam, " I beg to inform you that my heart has instructed me to apply to you for the immediate settlement of its claim upon you ; and unless this demand be complied with by twelve o'clock to-morrow, I shall be compelled to take the necessary proceedings to obtain a prompt arrangement of the same. " I have the honour to remain, " Madam, " Your obedient humble servant, « Ltttleton Latitat." This letter of course remained unanswered, Miss Belinda being totally at a loss to comprehend its meaning, and Mr. Pifpaf equally unable to 232 THE STEAM PACKET, assist her in decyphering the mystery. The document served to curl Miss Belinda's hair that night ; and not another thought was wasted upon the subject, until, precisely at two o'clock on the ensuing day, the following epistle was confidentially delivered to Miss Belinda Pifpaf by one of the chamber-maids of the hotel : — " Madam, " Not having received any reply to my letter of yesterday's date, I shall now commence my suit instanter, and not commit a trespass upon your time by any further preamble. In Shakspeare's Reports of * Much Ado About Nothing,' (Act I. Scene I., Benedict versus Bea- trice) I find the following opinion in relation to feudal service to a feme sole: — 'All women shall pardon me, because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any — I will do myself the right to trust none ; and the fine is (for the which I may go \he fines) I will live a bachelor.' Now as he was not a. puisne judge of human happiness, he reserved the decision, being a bachelor oyer, and a husband terminer. I, like him, despised the statute in such cases made and provided, until I saw you ; and now, like him, am willing to put a similar construction upon the words which he afterwards defines thus : — 'When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married.' Cupid is my witness — and few are prepared to deny his competency, that he has made a seizure of my heart — that he is a tenant in pos- session — and holds it at a rack-rent. He has produced that attach, ment, which sticks to my vital interests like a leech, and preys upon them like a hawk, and is properly grantable in all cases of contempt. A specification of charges against him would be as large as Coke, and as long as a chancery suit ; but I cannot find it in my conscience to serve him with a notice of ejectment. I now lender this written evidence and avowing after distress, and hereby aver that in process of time your faithful lawyer (lover I should say,) will suffer pains and penalties to that extent, that much waste will be committed in the body. The case will be Docket versus Dyspepsia — a species of action not enumerated in any digest, and the damage has been already awarded. Before I saw you, the public reports of Fame, the com- mon informer, were filed in the office of Memory, but no proceedings were taken thereupon, till personal appearance produced complete con- viction at the time the court of Cupid held its prepossession. Al- though my re-venue is ample, yet I would not wish the consideration of that circumstance to influence your verdict; for the acquirement of such beautiful property by purchase would be proceeding upon a mean process, and ought not to appear upon record, although I par- THE STEAM PACKET. 233 tially acknowledge the influence of cupid-ity. If in time we should come to terms, my affection shall only experience abatement by death. By the inventory of your amiable qualifications, I am wholly engrossed ; and I am of opinion that should you grant me a collate- ral promise to pay my addresses, you would not prove a demurrer, nor make & false return. If you, therefore, are willing to become a joint tenant, with the present incumbent, I should consider the bond of union as a serious obligation not to put any cross questions. To make your rule absolute, let us avoid for once the law's delay, by having, in brief, a conveyance drawn up, and prepare to start for Paris as a set-off. We are the only parties to the deed, consequently none have a right to stay proceedings. " Anxiously awaiting your reply, I have the honour to remain, madam, " Your obedient humble servant, " Lyttleton Latitat." Miss Belinda read this precious composition three times, and then jumped as often over a footstool. Her next impulse was to show the letter to her father, who, in his turn, transferred it, after perusal, to Mr. Buckram. This gentleman duly digested its contents, and was at length enabled to obtain an insight into the lawyer's meaning. "Leave this to me," said the tailor to Mr. Pifpaf: "no one has a right to act as Bell's champion but me. By Gad ! I wouldn't advise this miserable pettifogger to come within the reach of my fists ! " " Pray do not involve yourself in any dilemma, my lord ! " urged Mr. Pifpaf. "Trust me! " ejaculated the tailor. " Why — how do you think I once served the Turkish Ambassador, when he dared to wink his wicked old eye at a young lady whom 1 was escorting at the moment down Regent Street ; — how do you think I served his Excellency ? " > " How ? " said Mr. Pifpaf, whose curiosity was evidently deeply excited. " Why — I went to his house in the evening, when he was at dinner, and insisted upon seeing him. ' You winked your eye,' said I, going up to him as he was sitting at the head of his table carving a goose, with a napkin tucked all the way up to his chin, and his beard flowing over it into the gravy, — 'you winked your eye at a young lady who was under my protection this morning.' — ' Mashallah ! ' ejaculated the Turk ; ' I don't know what you mean.' — ' It is a serious thing,' said I ; ' and nothing but the most abject apology will suffice.' — ' There is but one God, and Mohammed is his Prophet ! ' murmuredthe old Mus- 234 THE STEAM PACKET. sulman, as he stroked his beard, which shone with the goose gravy. — 'Then you refuse to apologise?' said I. — ' I do,' said he. — 'Then here goes,' said I ; and seizing the goose by the legs, I beat it about the old villain's head, until his hair seemed nothing but sage and onions, and his beard reeked with the gravy. Having thus punished him until I was tired, I very coolly wiped my hands upon the table-cloth, and strode out of the house. Fifty people witnessed that scene, sir — fifty people ! Surely you must have heard of it before ? " " I think I read it in the Times when it occurred," said Mr. Pifpaf; " Of course you did ! " ejaculated the soi-disant nobleman : " it made a devil of a sensation at the time. But I am off now to this Mr. Latitat's ; and I only hope he 's got a goose for dinner to-day. Egad I'd pass it over his back until his coat hadn't a wrinkle in it." With these words Mr. Buckram, putting on a very fierce air, walked out of the coffee-room, where the colloquy took place, and proceeded to the lodgings of the English lawyer in the Rue des Thermes. Mr. Latitat was sitting in front of the fire-place — for it being summer, there was of course no light in the grate — in his attic, which elevated abode he occupied, as he used to declare, "from choice," although his enemies asserted that choice to have been of the Hobson kind. He was aspiring in his ideas, and preferred a garret to a cellar. He had his head bound up in a faded cotton handkerchief — for be had caught a cold on the pier the night before ; he had a short pipe in his mouth, and a beard of a week's growth upon his chin. Although it was now late in the day, the disordered state of his attire showed that he had but recently quitted his bed — in which, indeed, he had written the second love (or law) letter. At all events he had not made his morning's toilet. He was in a moralising mood, too ; for he sat in silence, looking at the loose strings of his shoes, and occasionally scratching his head with great violence through the handkerchief just mentioned. It was evident that he was at that moment labour- ing under great absence of mind, for although his pipe was unlighted, he puffed at it assiduously, occasionally withdrawing it from his mouth, to permit an imaginary cloud of smoke to float slowly around him. He was a man of corpulence and weight — well provided with brass upon his face, but indifferently stocked with tin in his pocket — and, having been compelled to run away from London for a slight forgery of a will, which, even under the new statute, would have conducted him to the Old Bailey noose, he thought he might as well build up his fortunes by flinging himself voluntarily into a matrimonial one. He was not, however, at the precise moment when we introduce THE STEAM PACKET. 235 him to our readers, the only person in his apartment. His landlady was there also, busily engaged in laying the table with a broken cup, a basin with soft sugar, milk in a tumbler, butter upon paper, and a hot roll upon nothing. She was an Englishwoman who gained an honest and decent livelihood in Calais, *.*. by going out a-charin'." She was fat, and red-faced, surmounted by a dirty cap richly bedizened with red and yellow ribands, from beneath which straggled a few locks of deep-red hair. Her eyes were once of a bright aqua- marine colour, and her nose, doubtless, had been once well formed, although that fact can only be ascertained from tradition, from the circumstance of its having been crushed in flat with her face. Her teeth were white and strong, with the exception of the two front ones, which were missing, probably having retired at the same time that her nose changed its condition. Mrs. Snork (for that was this excellent lady's name)- was participat- ing in the feelings of gloom and perplexity which weighed so heavily upon the spirits of her master ; for she too was silent, biting her lips, and occasionally her nails, with an expression of mingled vexation and anxiety, as she lingered over her domestic duties, Mr. Latitat at intervals raised his eyes towards her face, with an air of investigation and deference — as if desirous of arriving at the result of her deliber- ations before venturing to express his own. At length, catching a long sigh, he said, " Well, if this don't turn up a trump, d me if I shall know what dodge to be after next ! " " I 'm blest if I must n't have tin some how or other," said the lady with unfeeling-abruptness of manner. " Here am I a goin' on for six- teen veeks, and not a mag yet. Then my poor dear child ill too ! and my sickliest child too ! I wouldn't ha' cared had it been the hump-back, or the infant with the scald head — I could ha' borne it; but for it to be the von as was born in sich a marvellous vay, jist von year and three days after the death of poor Mr. Snork, and me as wirtuous a voman as any you'd vish for to meet — that 's the cause o' aggrawation ! It 's my phernomenon as is attacked. He had got through the mumps, and the measles, and the hooping-cough, and his double teeth " *f And the small-pox, too, I think I heard you say, Mrs. Snork," ob- served Mr. Latitat deferentially. "And warn't subject to fits nayther," continued Mrs. Snork; " and yet was so wery sickly, without my being afeard of his dying. It was an uncommon tough child, it were. It was as tough as — as — as " " As Jonah," suggested the lawyer. " Was he tough ?" asked the charwoman — " wery tough ?" "To be sure he was," replied Mr. Latitat. "Didn't a whale try three whole days to digest him, and couldn't?" 236 THE STEAM PACKET. "As Jonah, then," resumed Mrs. Snork. "And such a stomach ! My eyes I such a stomach ! I 've heerd speak of a ostrich's stomach- but that arn't nothink to my child's, bless her ! Vy, sir, that little tiny animal could heat a hox '. — Cuss the thing', how I wish you 'd get some answer to that there love-letter o' your'n ! " So affected was Mrs. Snork by the mournful reflections which crowded to her mind, and her suspense relative to Mr. Latitat's propo- sal to Miss Belinda Pifpaf, that she was compelled to help herself to a glass of strong waters, a bottle of which stood upon the mantel. She then — quite abstractedly, of course — handed a glass to her master ; and he, with equal absence of mind, drank the contents. Scarcely was this little ceremony performed, when a step ascended the stairs — a knock was heard at the door — and in another moment a strange gentleman entered the room with an awful swagger. *' Your servant, sir ? " said Mr. Latitat. " Servant, indeed ! " ejaculated the visitor. " I am the Right Ho- nourable the Earl of Noodleton, sir, of Diddleham Hall, Notown ; — and I would have you understand, sir, that I am come on the part of a lady, sir— a young lady — to assure you that your addresses are as unpleasant — as — as a tight pair of breeches, sir, on a warm day — and that the sooner you desist from sending your love-letters, the more agreeable will it be to all parties." " What do you mean, sir ■" " ' My lord,' if you please," said Buckram correctively. " Well, my lord, then," continued the lawyer, who was not wanting in animal courage, and who rose from his seat, clenching a fist large enough to fell an ox, as his visitor spoke a second time; " well, my lord — and what is it to your lordship, if I do make love, in my own way, to a pretty gal ? Let me tell your lordship, that it isn't every one would receive an offer from Lyttleton Latitat." " I dare say, my dear sir," cried the tailor, retreating towards the door, and speaking with a conciliatory civility, " that you have meant everything that is honourable and straightforward — as I told the Tory Minister last session, when he wanted to pass a bill to make poverty a transportable offence, instead of the mere affair of a few days at the treadmill ; but it won't do. The young lady is engaged — engaged to me, sir, " added the soi-disant nobleman, opening the door a little wider as he spoke ; " and I cannot permit any other person" — here he got upon the threshold — " to interfere between us." "Oh! you can't — can't you?" ejaculated the corpulent lawyer; and seizing the poker, he rushed towards his rival with settled deter- mination of " doing for him." THE STEAM PACKET. 237 But Mr. Buckram bolted down the stairs like lightning, rushed from the house, and made the best of his way back to Quillacq's Hotel, where he assured Mr. Pifpaf that he had given Mr. Lyttleton Latitat such a drubbing, as completely to put all amorous ideas in future out of his head. The matter was accordingly considered to be settled, and the Lu- minaries were just sitting down to dinner, when the waiter informed " his lordship " that an English gentleman desired to speak to him in another room. The tailor forthwith repaired to ascertain the nature of the gentleman's business, and found himself in the presence of a tall, shabby, moustachioed, pale-looking man, with a huge stick in his hand, and an immense white bull-dog at his heels. " Lord Noodleton, I presume ? " said this human curiosity (the man — not the dog). " The same," was the answer, delivered with anything but confi- dence. "I am sorry to wait upon your lordship on an unpleasant busi- ness — very sorry," said the gentleman : " but my friend Mr. Latitat is one of the most honourable men breathing, and certainly the bravest , and he can't abide a rival. You understand me, my lord — name your friend — refer me to him, and we will endeavour to settle the business with as little delay as possible." 4 The tailor turned pale and red — and red and pale — and then livid, as these menacing words issued from the lips of the strange gentleman ; but he had self-possession enough to be fully aware that this was a business in which his honour might become seriously involved, and he therefore determined to meet the dilemma with as much resolution as he could call to his aid. " Will you oblige me with your card, sir ? " he inquired of the lawyer's second. " Card — oh ! card — ah — card ! a-hem ! " stammered the gentleman : " I can't say that I have a card exactly, but here is my address ; "— - and as he spoke he tore off the back of a very filthy letter, which he handed to the tailor. " Very well, Major Pepperton," said Mr. Buckram, glancing towards the address ; " my friend, Captain Pentonville, will call upon you in the evening. Will you allow me to offer you anything ? — a glass of wine ? " Major Pepperton looked very much as if he were ready to say, " I would rather have a bottle ; " but etiquette would not permit him to partake of any hospitality at the expense of one whom, for the present, he was bound to consider a foe ; and he accordingly declared, with a .polite bow, that he never took anything before dinner. We may here parenthetically observe, that supposing this were really true, the major 238 THE STEAM PACKET. was a man of most extraordinarily abstemious habits ; for if he adhered to the above rule, whole days must have passed without the major taking anything at all, as he was by no means regular in the custom of dining. However, he refused " his lordship's " courteous offer, and withdrew to his own lodgings to smoke a pipe until the arrival of Captain Pentonville. Meantime Mr. Buckram returned to his companions, and maintained for some time a moody silence. He knew that this conduct would produce a theatrical effect, when the cause came to be divulged. At length Mr. Pifpaf found leisure, after the occupation of eating and drinking, and when the ladies had retired, to inquire into the cause of " his lordship's serious demeanour." " Oh ! nothing — nothing at all," whispered Buckram : *' only a message from that fellow Latitat : but Pentonville and I will arrange it between us." "A message ! " ejaculated Mr. Pifpaf, aloud ; "what ! — a challenge to aTduel ? " " Something of the kind," returned the tailor, affecting a coolness which he was far from experiencing internally. " Very well, my lord ! " said Mr. Pifpaf, slapping his hand upon the table with an air of authority which became him greatly: "it is for me to settle the matter." " Now I tell you what, Pifpaf," cried the tailor ; " I shall consider any man my enemy who interferes in the matter ; " — and as he ut- tered these words, with the most sincere inward hope that his warning would be disregarded, he rose from the table, and beckoned Captain Pentonville out of the room. When these two worthies were closeted together in the sleeping apartment of the latter, they commenced an earnest consultation upon the point at issue. '* To tell you the truth," said Buckram, " I feel by no means in- clined to fight this scoundrel Latitat. He does not want for courage ; and although I will fight any man in England with fists, or will rush without hesitation into the middle of a row, I can't face a pistol." " But your honour is at stake, my good fellow," observed the cap- tain ) " and cowardice does not assort better with an English noble- man than — than — what shall I say ? " " Why — than a pair of grey pantaloons, double-milled Saxony, with wooden shoes," suggested the tailor. " Be that the simile, then," said Captain Pentonville. " However, I think it is very likely that old Pifpaf will interfere, and prevent the duel." THE STEAM PACKET. 239 " Devil a bit ! " ejaculated the tailor. " I was obliged to say what I did — that I should consider any one to be my enemy who interfered — and I saw by his countenance that, however much annoyed he felt, he took me at my word. Pie bit his lip, bowed, and said nothing." " Then in that case you must go out, Buckram," said the captain : "and I will go and arrange matters with this Major Pepperton — who, I suppose, is as much a major as I am a a " " A captain, eh ? " added Buckram. " Or you a nobleman," retorted the other. And with these words the captain departed to call upon Major Pep- perton. It is not necessary to describe the particulars of the interview between those gentlemen : suffice it to say that an arrangement was made for a meeting between " Lord Noodleton and Mr. Lyttleton Latitat," for seven o'clock on the ensuing morning. That night Mr. Buckram did not sleep a wink : he passed the livelong hours in painful reflections, at one time cursing the imposture which he had set up, at another determining to dare all, sooner than abandon the chance of espousing Belinda Pifpaf. At length the morning dawned, and he rose from his feverish bed. Captain Pentonville entered his room at six o'clock ; and a live waiter made his appear- ance with hot coffee and buttered toast upon a silver one. The soi- disant nobleman partook of a little refreshment, and then accompanied his friend away from the hotel. Their path lay towards the port ; and when they reached the long jetty, instead of entering upon it, they turned off abruptly on the sands in the direction of Gravelines. They walked without uttering a word for about a mile and a half, when the captain exclaimed, "This must be the spot ; it answers the exact description, — and we are first upon the ground. There 's a consolation for you, Buckram ! " " 'Tis indeed — highly satisfactory ! " murmured that individual, whose knees knocked together and teeth chattered, although the morn- ing was as warm and genial as any one that ever yet dawned in the same latitude. " It wants a quarter of an hour to the time," said the captain, con- sulting his watch. " I hope they will forget the hour altogether," observed Buckram. H We will only give them two minutes' grace." " Pive at least," cried the captain. " Allowances must be made for the difference of clocks." " Oh ! it is deuced easy for you to talk so," ejaculated the tailor : " you ain't going to fight the duel, or else you wouldn't be quite so anxious to extend the time. I say I will wait till two minutes past, 240 THE STEAM PACKET. and no longer; and, if they don't come then, you can give me a cer- tificate of punctuality and " " Here they are ! " cried Captain Pentonville, who, to speak the truth, would have been very much annoyed and disappointed had the issue turned out as his principal seemed to desire. Indeed, " seconds " always are most busy and officious — proud of the importance with which they are invested upon these occasions — and too much gratified at the compliment paid them of having their services enlisted in the mysterious business, to allow the matter to be very easily hushed up. Were it not for this disgusting feeling — which is almost invariably felt by '/' seconds" — many a duel would be prevented, many a misunder- standing, apparently admitting of no alternative save a combat, would be amicably arranged, and many a life saved. As the opponent party — consisting of three, viz. Mr. Latitat, Ma- jor Pepperton, and a surgeon— drew near, both Captain Pentonville and the tailor were struck with the extraordinary appearance which the principal on that side seemed to wear at a distance. He appeared like a human being without legs — rolling along like an enormous roc's egg upright — of as if his lower extremities were encased in a sack. As he drew nearer and nearer, the singularity of his aspect increased rather than diminished, until it at length became evident to both the captain and the tailor, at the same moment, that the redoubtable Mr. Latitat was actually advancing to the field of combat clad in a blanket ! And such was in reality the case. Mr. Latitat was very far from being deficient in courage, but he was not equally well supplied with breeches. An accident on the preceding evening had damaged the only pair he possessed, in such a way that he was compelled to send them to a tailor's ; and when that functionary brought them home again the first thing that morning, there was not a franc, nor a ghost of a franc, in the lawyer's possession to liquidate the amount claimed for repairs. The "snip" was inexorable — Mr. Latitat already owed him a bill, and he would not leave the breeches without the money. What was to be done ? Time pressed — and neither Mr. Latitat's second nor surgeon possessed either a fraction of coin or a change of inexpressi- bles. Mr. Latitat was not, however, the man to be disappointed. Although he had never spoken to Miss Belinda Pifpaf in his life, he concluded that every lady was to be won by courage, and that this was a combat to determine the right of possession of the fair maiden's hand, between two deadly rivals. His breast was filled with chivalry, love, and law; and Mrs. Snork had urged him on to do anything sooner than compromise his chances of success in this affair. She had even kindly THE STEAM. PACKET. 241 and considerately proposed to lend hirn her best cotton gown for the occasion ; but declining the very courteous offer, he preferred wrapping himself up in a blanket, as if he were going to take a bath ; — and in this manner did the champion make his appearance upon the field of battle. " What, in the name of heaven, is the meaning of all this ? " de- manded Captain Pentonville of Major Pepperton, as the hostile party arrived on the spot. " Coolness, my dear sir — coolness," answered the major. '* My friend is so desperately courageous," he added in a whisper, " that if he did not kill him at the first shot, he would fall upon him and tear him to pieces ; he is therefore forced, you see, to devise some means to keep himself cool ; and this is the way he accomplishes his aim." "And a very good contrivance too," observed the captain, with an ironical smile. " It is, however, a matter of wonder that he did not arrive with a couple of hundred little boys at his heels." " Too early, my dear sir — too early," replied the major; " and, let the matter turn out how it will, my friend will remain upon the sands until night. We shall have a pic-nic, sir — a pic-nic, you know." Captain Pentonville certainly knew what a pic-nic meant, but he could not understand how one was to be satisfactorily conducted with- out cold veal pies, fowls, ham, tongue, and champagne ; and the law- yer's party had brought nothing with them besides a case containing pistols, (belonging to the major), and one containing surgical instru- ments, which was in the possession of the medical man. However, the preliminaries were speedily arranged, the ground was measured — the pistols loaded — and the principals placed in their proper situations. Mr. Latitat dropped his blanket, and his appearance was now light and airy to a degree — he being fully dressed in respect to the upper portion of his body, but with nothing save his blucher-boots and worsted socks upon his lower extremities. A duel has so often been described that we shall avoid all unneces- sary detail. The principals, upon a given signal, fired together, and Mr. Latitat dropped heavily upon the ground. The tailor felt himself all over to ascertain if he were wounded ; and finding that he could move all his limbs as easily as ever, and that all his senses were still left, he made up his mind that he was not only alive, but also unhurt. He accordingly hastened to ascertain the extent of injury inflicted upon his antagonist, and learnt from the medical man that Mr. Latitat had received the ball in his right thigh. "That comes of not wearing breeches," said Mr. Buckram coolly. R 242 THE STEAM PACKET. " Why the devil didn't you send your trousers to me to mend, and " Captain Pentonville darted a terrible look upon his principal, who, immediately recollecting himself, added, " and I would have sent you another pair. However," he said, after a moment's pause, seeing that the unfortunate lawyer groaned very much, and being in reality a very good-hearted fellow, — "however, I am devilish sorry that this has happened. It was all your own fault ; but never mind. It will teach you in future not to interfere with ladies engaged to other men. Excuse me — I have done this mischief — and, at all events, you want a new pair of breeches. Accept this trifle : " — he placed two Napoleons, (a part of Mr. Smale's money) in the hand of the wounded man ; " I will see you again before we leave. All things considered, I should recommend you to order Oxford grey trousers — they suit a man of your build and complexion. Pentonville, let us make haste back, and send a vehicle to fetch the poor fellow home." Mr. Latitat's eyes filled with tears, as he wrung the hand of his gene- rous opponent ; he endeavoured to utter some words of thanks, but could not, for pain, surprise, and joy overpowered him. The captain and the supposed nobleman then bowed slightly to the major and the surgeon, and returned to Calais without a moment's delay. Having despatched a chaise to convey the wounded man to his own domicile, they repaired to the table-d'hote room, where the Luminaries were anxiously awaiting their return, it being conjectured amongst them, from what had been mentioned on the preceding day at the dinner- table, that a duel was on the tapis. Great, therefore, were the re- joicings when the two men of war made their appearance; and "Lord Noodleton " immediately became elevated into a hero or a demigod, when the result was made known. Belinda did not attempt to conceal her delight at the gallantry of her intended, but skipped about from her papa to her mamma, and from her mamma to her sisters, without knowing why or wherefore." %&&c€J fZtfyf/stt^-jy/t/? THE STEAM PACKET. 257 f" "J "No good, I'm afraid," returned the tailor. The three queer-looking gentlemen, finding that their words were not understood, seemed determined that their actions should be by no means so equivocal ; for they fell, without much delay, upon our two heroes, plundered them of every thing in the shape of money or jewels which they had about them, and then tied them back to back to the nearest tree to prevent them from giving the alarm, before the thieves should have escaped with their plunder. All this was but the work of five minutes ; and, as soon as the robbers had departed, the unfortu- nate tailor could not help observing, " Out of the frying-pan into the fire." "We are indeed — we are indeed," responded the equally miserable Mr. Pifpaf. "Did ever any two well-disposed persons encounter such luck in one night? " " Never, I should think," said the tailor. " I wonder what o'clock it can be ? " "Close upon midnight," answered the chairman; "and here we may remain until to-morrow morning." " God forbid ! " ejaculated the tailor. " My limbs are already as stiff as my surname — I mean as buckram." " And Mrs. P.," murmured the chairman pathetically; " what will she think — what must she suppose ? " " She '11 write her sentiments upon your face to-morrow morning, old fellow ! " returned the tailor. "Do you know, my lord," said Mr. Pifpaf, after a long pause, during which the two prisoners vainly endeavoured to catch the wel- come sound of a footstep along the road, — " do you know, my lord, that I really and truly begin to be a leetle — mind, only a leetle — tired of this expedition of ours ; at all events, that I shan't be at all sorry to return home and resume the amicable and social meetings at the Musical Bee once more." " And do you know, my dear Pifpaf," answered the tailor, " that I am very much of your way of thinking, and that the sooner we return to England and I can get spliced to my charming Belinda, the better I shall like it." "And would your lordship bring forward in committee to-morrow the motion for returning home ? " demanded the chairman. "That will I, right gladly," exclaimed Mr. Buckram; "and I know that Pentonville will second it. But in the mean time — don't you hear any body coming ? " " Not a soul, my lord," returned Mr. Pifpaf, mournfully j "and I begin to tremble for my gout." 258 THE STEAM PACKET. " Well, upon my honour, this is a pretty prospect — a very pretty prospect ! " said Buckram, musingly. " A regular night of adventures — just such a night as I had on one occasion with the Lord Chief Justice of the Queen's Bench, when " '*Hark!" said Mr. Pifpaf: "I think I hear something — no — yes " "Yes, by all that's good — 'tis a footstep!" ejaculated the tailor, joyfully. Nor did the ears of the gentlemen deceive them : an honest la- bourer shortly came up to the spot where they were bound to the tree ; and a few moments saw them once again in possession of their freedom. They returned thanks, in the best manner they were able, to their liberator ; and a brisk walk of about half an hour brought them to the entrance of Boulogne. Another fifteen minutes, and they crossed the threshold of the Hotel d'Angleterre — having previously agreed upon the account they were to give of themselves, in order that no suspicion of their gallantries at the ball-room might transpire to their prejudice. CHAPTER XXIII. IN WHICH CAPTAIN PENTONVILLE AND THE TAILOR DISCUSS THEIR PROSPECTS. Captain Pentonville was loung- ing in the gateway of the Hotel d'Angleterre, on the morning after the adventure related in the pre- ceding chapter, when he was accosted by an old English gentleman, with a very sallow complexion, a stoop amounting almost to a hump-back, and a certain scowl upon his coun- tenance which did not prepossess our hero in his favour. The captain surveyed the old gentleman with dis- like, but still with a certain feeling of awe ; and this latter sentiment prevented him from returning a rude and repulsive answer to the query addressed to him. We must also THE STEAM PACKET. 259 add that the old gentleman was very plainly, if not shabbily dressed, and that his general appearance bespoke poverty. " Is it here that a body of men calling themselves the Illuminati, or Luminaries, are residing ? " demanded the old gentleman. " It is," replied the captain. " And you, perhaps, are one of them ?" said the stranger, interroga- tively. " I have that honour," answered Pentonville, with a low bow. "And pray what is your name, young man?" said the elderly gen- tleman in an authoritative tone. " When you make me acquainted with the nature of the right by which you question me " began the captain. " Pooh ! pooh ! young fellow ! " interrupted the bilious-looking stranger ; " that kind of nonsense doesn't do for an old man like me. I ask you a plain question, which you can very easily answer." "Then I decline to answer it, until I know why it is put," reso- lutely exclaimed the captain. " Very well — very well," said the elderly gentleman calmly : " I am sure it is quite indifferent to me. Perhaps I can obtain the informa- tion I require from some one more civilly disposed than yourself." With these words the old gentleman pushed abruptly by the cap- tain, and entered the court-yard of the hotel. Accosting a waiter who was hurrying from one department of the building to another, to answer the tintinnabulary summons of some guest, the bilious-looking stranger slipped a coin into the servant's hand. The domestic immediately stopped and replied to the inquiries put to him ; and in so doing, he turned his face towards the spot where Captain Pentonville was stand- ing. The captain felt convinced that the old gentleman and the servant were talking about himself, and he began to pass in mental review the personal appearances of his numerous English creditors. He did not, however, remember any with whose attributes the bilious gentleman at all corresponded ; and he was still pondering the matter over in his mind, when the said elderly gentleman passed by him, on his way out of the hotel. The captain stared him full in the face as he whisked by ; and it seemed to him that the elderly stranger leered malignantly on him as he exclaimed, " I wish you a good morning, Captain Pentonville — a very good morning, Captain Pentonville" — (with prodigious emphasis upon the Captain) — " we shall meet again, Captain Pentonville." " I have a devilish good mind to lay my stick across your back, old fellow ! " ejaculated the captain. "No you won't, though — you won't indeed," cried the stranger, s2 260 THE STEAM PACKET. grinning more satirically still; and with these words he walked rapidly away. The captain watched him till he turned out of the Rue de l'Ecu, up a bye street at a little distance; and then, when the object of his curiosity was out of sight^the gallant officer murmured aloud, "By Jove, there is something very mysterious about that old fellow ! I don't think his presence seems to bode me any good. I wish we were going to leave Boulogne to-day !" "So do I," said a voice behind him. The captain started, but his alarm was immediately dissipated by the appearance of Mr. Buckram. - " Why the deuce do you frighten me like that?" demanded the captain, who was in no humour to be trifled with. " My dear fellow," answered the tailor, " I merely echoed a wish which you expressed aloud. For my part, I would consent to wear corduroy-knees for a twelvemonth, to get out of this d — d France. Nothing but ill luck seems to await us." " Well, we are omnipotent with Pifpaf," said the captain : " let us forthwith propose a return to England." " He himself desires the same thing," returned the tailor : "he told me so last night. But the other Luminaries ? " " We can command a majority in committee," observed the cap- tain impatiently. " To tell you the truth, Buckram," he added, " I am heartily sick of the part I am playing. I loathe myself in the calm moments of reflection ; I can scarcely sleep at night when I think of the deception we are practising upon a confiding man and his family." " What new crotchet is this ?" cried the tailor, with unfeigned asto- nishment. " I should as soon think of seeing a pope in leather breeches and a pea-coat, as of hearing a sermon emanating from your lips." *' I am serious, Buckram — indeed I am serious," continued the cap- tain. "Let us walk towards the pier, and I will explain myself more fully to you. I must observe — if you can understand me — that I am not naturally depraved. Circumstances have made me deviate a little from the correct road ; and then the crooked path once entered upon, could not very easily be abandoned. I have been carried onwards by a train of incidents which I could scarcely control. To pass myself off as a man of property upon Pifpaf, in order to marry his daughter, was venial, as the world goes : to give myself the title of Captain was more or less pardonable, according to the same scale of morals ; — there would have ended all deception, save now and then borrowing a little money of him to sustain myself until I secured his daughter. As God is my judge, I never intended to go farther. I foolishly talked of THE STEAM PACKET. 261 Lord Noodleton — whom indeed I never saw — and an unavoidable circumstance — an abrupt encounter — a mistake which it was almost impossible at the moment to rectify, taken by surprise as I was — led to your personification of that nobleman. Then comes your offer to Belinda ! All this has happened against mg will — in spite of myself!" " And pray, Mr., or Captain Pentonville— or whatever else you call yourself," cried the tailor sullenly, "to wljat is all this fine moralising to lead ? Have I not as much right to marry Belinda as you have to espouse Aramintha? Have I not an equal justification in calling myself a lord, as you in styling yourself a captain ? And with regard to our pecuniary affairs, I think it is a fair toss up whose fortunes are the most flourishing." "Buckram, I want no ill feeling to exist between us," said the captain, mildly, but with a degree of firmness which overawed his com- panion. " I wish to argue this point coolly and calmly with you. There is a great deal of difference between our situations. I have, it is true, assumed the title of captain ; but I have not represented myself to be a Captain Somebody, who really does exist elsewhere. You are personating a nobleman who enjoys the title which you assume : your fraud must be discovered sooner or later. Besides, it is monstrous to suppose that you can marry Belinda under the name of Lord Noodle- ton. It would be a felony of the most serious nature ; — it would com- promise the reputation of a virtuous girl, such a marriage being inva- lid ; — and it would involve a whole family in tribulation. With regard to our fortunes, you are right : we have neither of us a shilling of our own ; — but have you expectations like mine ? The death or kindness of a relative, by all accounts, would make me on a sudden as rich as Pifpaf himself." "I can run away with Belinda, and tell her the real truth in the post-chaise, on our road to be married," said the tailor, who felt the importance of his companion's observations. " Have the girl I will — and I know she likes me." " She will never marry you, Buckram," said the captain emphati- cally, " when once the spell of the 'lordship ' is dissolved." "And would Aramintha marry you, think ye?" demanded the tailor doggedly. " She would — I am sure she would," ejaculated Pentonville. "There is not so fearful a distance between a Captain and a plain Mister, as between an Earl and that same plain Mister. I should sustain com- paratively little harm in descending from my stilts; whereas you, .Buckram — you " " Go on-^-go on ! " exclaimed the other, clenching his fists and 262 THE STEAM PACKET. grinding his teeth with rage ; •' I know what you would say — but, by God, you shall sink with me if I sink !" "As I was saying," continued the captain, without appearing to heed his companion's observation and manner, " you would sink from the nobleman to the jobbing tailor — whereas I should remain a gen- tleman." " A gentleman ! ha ! ha ! ha ! " cried the tailor ; " well, that is too good!" " Yes — a gentleman, I repeat ! " exclaimed Pentonville, a glow of pride appearing upon his countenance ; " and would to God that I had never descended to those meannesses which degrade the name ! My father was a Doctor of Medicine — my mother was the daughter of a barrister : my mother's only surviving brother is, or was, a wealthy merchant in India. I entered the army as an ensign, and foolishly sold out after a year's service. My parents died, and I squandered away the competency they left behind them. But I am a gentleman by birth and by education ; and I will endeavour in future to deserve the distinction by my conduct." " All this is very well, my dear fellow," began the tailor, who now felt seriously alarmed for the progress and result of his own schemes ; '•' but this honest mood of yours will ruin us both. Indeed, we shall most likely get taken up as a couple of swindlers." " What I have now said, and what I intend to do," rejoined Pen- tonville, with that same calmness, combined with determination of tone which had characterised his discourse all along on this memo- rable occasion, " both are the results of mature deliberation during the last two hours. I rose early, and looked at my position in all its shapes and bearings. I seized my evil genius in my hands, and con- templated him face to face. I am not so utterly depraved as to resign all wish for repentance ; and I cannot find it in my heart to counte- nance this fraud any longer. I will not seal the ruin of the family from whose kindness I have received so many favours. The members of that family have their faults and foibles — who has not ? — but they also possess numerous amiable and endearing qualities. I will not prove a traitor to you, Buckram, without due warning: now, therefore, listen to my resolves." " You surely can 't be such a fool as all this ! " exclaimed Buckram in despair. " Whether I am a fool or not, remains to be proved," said Penton- ville ; " that I intend to become an honest man, is certain. To-mor- row morning I shall sit down and write a letter to Pifpaf. I shall therein relate all that has passed, from the first moment of our acquaint- ance ; and I shall then throw myself upon his mercy." THE STEAM PACKET. 263 " Impossible — absurd ! " ejaculated Buckram ; *' for heaven's sake don't turn coward just at the moment when our plans seem to be upon the eve of success." " It is just this very climax which confirms me in my resolve," answered Pentonville. " When the consummation of those plans appeared at a distance, the extent of the deception we were practising was less formidable to contemplate ; but now that an immediate return to England will bring matters to a crisis, I dare not allow the villany to be perpetrated. I shall disclose all to-morrow morning. For my part, I shall remain here, and abide by any result to which my can- dour may lead : you have time and leisure to act for yourself." " Consider once more," said Buckram, earnestly ; " only delibe- rate " r " The man who deliberates is lost ! " were the words which at that moment fell upon the ears of the two adventurers. They had reached the end of the pier, and were leaning over the parapet, during the latter portion of the above discourse ; and now to their dismay they perceived that a stranger had approached, unperceived by them, and had at all events overheard the concluding words of Buckram's appeal to his friend for a reconsideration of the subject. That a discourse of such a nature should have been overheard by any one, was sufficiently galling ; btit how much more seriously was Captain Pentonville amazed, when he recognised in the eaves-dropper the same identical scowling-looking stranger, who half an hour before had caused him some apprehensions at the gate of the hotel. " Did you address us, sir ? " asked the captain, timidly. " I said — and I repeat my words — * the man who deliberates is lost!'" returned the stranger. " The words should be written upon the disk of the sun ; for he who follows the advice implied by the maxim, when he has resolved upon an honourable line of conduct, is a man made for life ! Deliberate over evil deeds — hesitate not to per- form virtuous ones. Gentlemen, I wish you, a very good morning." As he uttered these words, the mysterious old gentleman walked rapidly away, leaving Pentonville and the tailor in a state in which it was difficult to decide whether shame or alarm formed the principal sentiment that now animated them. " I wonder whether he overheard enough to gain an insight into — into — " murmured Buckram, after a long pause. "Into our characters, you would say," added the captain. *' I am afraid he did — and I candidly confess that there is something about the old fellow which fills me with indescribable alarm. However, my intentions are now honest, and if he overheard them, he can only anti- 264 THE STEAM PACKET. cipate by exposure the revelation which I am now firmly resolved to make." "And you will give me till to-morrow morning to take care of myself?" said Buckram. " Certainly — I pledged myself to that effect ere now," answered Pentonville. " I may write my letter this day ; but it shall not be delivered to Mr. Pifpaf until ten o'clock to-morrow." " Very well," murmured Buckram, doggedly. " I suppose we can now return to the hotel, as there is no time to be lost." "One moment more," said Pentonville, as a sudden thought struck him, " and I have done. Bemember — if you attempt to abstract Belinda Pifpaf from her family's care, I shall deem it to be my duty to interfere." The tailor made no reply, but followed his more honest companion sulkily back to the Hotel d'Angleterre. CHAPTER XXIV. IN WHICH THIS NARRATIVE CONTINUES THE PROCEEDINGS OF CAPTAIN PENTONVILLE AND MR. BUCKRAM, AND AGAIN REFERS TO THE BILIOUS OLD GENTLEMAN. Captain Pentonville retired to his own room, and, in obedience to the suggestion of the mysterious stranger, sate down to pen the pro- posed letter to Mr. Pifpaf. He was determined not to deliberate upon the line of conduct he should pursue, for fear that he should be lost. He might be ruining his hopes and prospects ; but he felt a certaii mental tranquillity as he proceeded in his honest intentions, which he had not known for a long time. The letter was written : it contained a revelation of the deception practised by himself and the tailor, and boldly expressed the determination of the writer to throw himself upon the mercy of him whom he addressed. He folded, sealed, and directed the letter; and then placed it in his pocket, ready to be delivered to Mr. Pifpaf at the hour on the following morning already agreed upon with Buckram. " At all events," said Pentonville to himself, " I have done my duty, and I will now stand by all the consequences." He rang the bell, and desired the waiter to send Tom Gibbins to him immediately. TfiE STEAM PACKET. 265 " Tom," said the captain, when that functionary entered the room, " I have sent for you upon a matter of some moment." " Then, sir, I '11 take a cheer, if you hav'n't no partickler objection against the formiliarity," observed Tom, coolly seating himself; " for if so be it 's a wery serious matter o' bisness, ve can discuss it more comfortabler sittin' than standin'." " Take the chair by all means, Tom," said the captain smiling. "My good fellow," he added, after a moment's pause, "my own affairs are now drawing to a crisis. It is possible that I shall to-mor- row find myself an outcast — a beggar — a man of ruined fortune and infamous reputation ; or I shall be the real friend, without acting as the deceiver, of Mr. Pifpaf and his family." " Von is a orkard alternaytive," murmured Mr. Gibbins, slapping his thigh with his open palm. " In the latter case," continued the captain, headless of this inter- ruption, " you shall share in my good luck ; but, in the former one you will be thrown upon the world without resources — in a strange country, and afar from home." "Is there any wagrant acts in this here country, sir?" demanded Tom seriously; " cos," he added, after an instant's pause, "it's wery possible as we shall both become liable to the meaning o' that there stattit." " No — not yet, at all events, Tom," replied the captain. "Here is the amount of wages already due to you, and five pounds beyond. Take them — and should anything unpleasant happen to me, return immediately to England : — it is my wish — my command. Do you understand me?" " I understand, sir, as veil as a young gen'leman as was edicated at the parochal cost can understand the English langvidge," answered Tom ; " but understandin' and doin' is too wastly different things." " Then you won't obey me, Tom ? " " I should rayther think not," doggedly returned Mr. Gibbins. " Turn me avay ? veil and good, Captain Pentonweal — turn away the young feller as vould go through fire and water for you any day in the veek, and who would eat dry bread or horse-beans, so long as he fol- lowed you ; — but you can't perwent him from stayin' in the same place as yourself, to have a eye on your interests." Tears trickled down the faithful domestic's cheeks as he uttered these words. " Tom, you are a faithful fellow — a faithful fellow, indeed," conti- nued Pentonville, whose eyes also saw through a haze; " but I implore — I beseech " 266 THE STEAM PACKET. "Not a word more, sir — not a word more," interrupted Tom, rising from his chair, and drawing his coat-sleeve across the bridge of his nose; "I'll stick to you like a leech — and that's all about it." Mr. Gibbins stalked majestically out of his master's room as he thus delivered his intentions ; and the captain remained for some time pon- dering upon the attachment of that faithful domestic to his fortunes. He then remembered that the conduct of Mr. Buckram was to be closely watched ; and for this purpose he descended to the table-d'hote room, where, to his astonishment and temporary dismay, he found Mr. Pifpaf and the mysterious stranger sitting hob-and-nob together, discussing a bottle of white wine and biscuits. " Pentonville, my dear fellow," ejaculated Mr. Pifpaf, " allow me to introduce you to Mr. Smith, a gentleman who assures me that he has been deeply attached to the Luminaries — by hearsay only, of course — all his life." "I am most happy to make Mr. Smith's acquaintance," stammered the captain, " and am delighted to find that he entertains so good an opinion of the Luminaries." " Sit down, Captain Pentonville, sit down," cried the elderly gen- tleman, in a patronising tone, and with more kindness of manner than he had shown in the gateway of the hotel in the morning. " There is another drop of wine in the bottle, and here is a clean glass. That's right. Your health, Captain Pentonville ! " Our hero turned pale, and seemed much confused, as he acknow- ledged this courtesy with a bow ; for the stress was again laid, with bitter sarcasm, upon the titular distinction. In a few moments, how- ever, Pentonville recovered his presence of mind, for he saw by the manner of Mr. Pifpaf that no relation had been made to him by the new acquaintance whom he had picked up, calculated to injure his (the captain's) interests. The reader will of course comprehend the very natural anxiety which impelled Captain Pentonville to have the credit of being the first to make known the impostures, heretofore described, to Mr. Pifpaf. "Are you residing in this hotel, sir?" inquired the captain of the bilious-looking gentleman. " Yes, at present I am," returned Mr. Smith. " I arrived at Bou- logne yesterday, and stayed first at the Hotel des Bains ; but circum- stances induced me to remove here within this hour." " And do you propose to make a long stay ? " inquired the captain, urging his query, however, with some degree of timidity. " Propose ! — propose, indeed ! " ejaculated the old gentleman tes- tily : " man proposes, sir, and a higher power disposes ! But, yes — " THE STEAM PACKET. 267 he added after a pause, " it is very probable that I may stay here a few days. The pier seems very agreeable — especially adapted for con- fidential rambles, Captain Pentonville ! " " Indeed, sir," stammered our hero, turning as pale as death ; " I should think that a public walk " "Has its eaves-droppers; eh, captain?" cried Mr. Smith, with alarming significance. " However, all eaves-droppers are not tattlers again, you know ; and a person may overhear the confidential commu- nications of others, without wantonly betraying them — especially when honest intentions prevail." Captain Pentonville looked his gratitude towards Mr. Smith ; and from that moment he took a considerable liking for the testy, bilious, old gentleman. An hour was passed in the discussion of various mat- ters, and Mr. Smith showed himself to be a man who had travelled much and observed much. Mr. Pifpaf insisted upon drinking another bottle of wine ; but to this proposal his two companions advanced a decided negative. " I hate drinking in the morning, you know, Pifpaf; I mean before dinner," observed the captain. " Ah ! you are not fond of drink then, young man," said Mr. Smith. " I am glad of it — very glad of it. Young men are ruined by drink ; whereas those who are not given to that failing, may in time conquer their other evil propensities." With these words Mr. Smith departed, to take a walk, he said, until six o'clock, when he should have the pleasure of dining in the com- pany of the Luminaries at the table -d'hote. "A very strange man," said the captain to Mr. Pifpaf, when these two were alone together. " Very remarkable," said the chairman; " and so inquisitive ! " " Indeed ! " cried Pentonville, struck by this observation. " Oh ! he seemed to know all about you and Lord Noodleton, and Aramintha and Belinda," returned Mr. Pifpaf. " The old man does not speak very well, though, of his lordship ; and yet I cannot exactly say that he positively stated anything derogatory to him. He recom- mended caution, and the necessity of being well acquainted with one's son-in-law, and so on. I can't say, upon reflection, that I admire his manner." "And I suppose," said the captain, affecting a smile, "that the old fellow rattled on in the same unceremonious manner about your humble servant ? " " He said a great deal about you, 'tis true," answered Mr. Pifpaf; " but nothing either good or bad. He asked more questions than he 268 THE STEAM PACKET. made comments, when your name was mentioned. I begin to think he is a dangerous, inquisitive, tattling old fellow." "I fancy he is eccentric, but not dangerous," observed the captain. "Let us join the ladies in the private sitting-room." This proposal was agreed to. The moment Captain Pentonville entered the parlour, he perceived Buckram and Belinda sitting in the window-seat together. The tailor appeared somewhat confused when he made his appearance, and Belinda had lost much of that volubility, which, whether the natural result of exuberant spirits, or the offspring of a mistaken affection, had hitherto invariably characterised her. The ottomans remained unleapt over ; — her mamma complained of her "poor head" without eliciting a syllable of jocularity; and Miss Sarah remained unsolicited to repair to another room to have a "game of romps." The captain saw that some scheme, on the part of Buckram, was afloat, and he determined to counteract it. He was a man of consi- derable firmness, and was now as resolute to persevere in a correct line as he had ever before been self-willed in following the wrong course. Without appearing to observe the proceedings of the tailor, he watched each glance, each step, each movement ; and as time drew on, he felt more convinced than at first that Buckram had devised some plan to carry out his own designs. The dinner hour arrived, and to the table-d'hote room did the party adjourn. Mr. Smith dined at the same board ; and an accident — or, at least, if there were any design in the arrangement, it was entirely on his part — placed him next to Captain Pentonville, on whose right was the charming Aramintha. The old gentleman ate with a good appetite, and yet found time to utter a few remarks, half pleasant and half sar- castic, in the midst of his apician occupation. Buckram whispered a great deal to Belinda, who appeared quite melancholy and thought- ful ; but on his part, Captain Pentonville was as gay and entertaining as ever. Whether this flow of spirits were quite natural, or the result of an effort originating in motives of prudence, the reader must decide for himself. The dinner hour passed away, and Mr. Smith now grew remarkably amusing as the champagne circulated. He drank sparingly, it is true ; but the little that did pass his lips appeared to waken the brightest scintillations of a great genius. His information was vast and varied : every remark called forth an illustrative anecdote or pertinent fact ; and yet he neither developed his knowledge with pedantry nor effort. He did not for one moment fatigue a single soul present with his dis- course, unless indeed it were Buckram, who was wearied with the THE STEAM PACKET. 269 entire conversation altogether. But what appeared most remarkable to the assembled Luminaries, and especially the ladies, was that while every body treated the supposed Lord Noodleton with the utmost deference and respect, Mr. Smith scarcely noticed him, nor did the words " my lord" issue from that gentleman's lips the whole evening. The tailor seemed to feel the rieglect with which he was treated in that quarter, and now made up his mind that it arose from the stranger having overheard enough of the morning's conversation on the pier to be well aware that the " lordship " was an imposture. He accordingly resolved to break up the party as soon as possible ; and, calling for the bill of entertainments to be that evening represented at the theatre, he proposed to the Pifpaf family to accompany him thither. Mr. Pifpaf preferred sticking to his bottle, and made an excuse. Aramintha declared that nothing would give her greater pleasure than to form one of the party, provided the captain would also join it ; and thus it was agreed that Pentonville, " his lordship," and Mr. Smale, should take charge of Mrs. Pifpaf and her three daughters upon the occasion. Before the party set off, Captain Pentonville gave certain instructions to his domestic, Tom Gibbins, together with the letter for Mr. Pifpaf, which he had written in the morning, and with the contents whereof the reader is familiar. Tom promised to obey the directions imparted to him ; and the ladies being now in readiness, the captain hastened to join the convoy. The theatre was only indifferently well attended, although a favourite comic opera and a vaudeville formed the attractions of the night. Of course the lovers in the opera frequently sang to each other ; and as the stage is a miniature picture of real life, this was doubtless all very natural and proper. Then, in the vaudeville, a father did not know his own son, when disguised as a servant, although he talked to him for half an hour ; but this circumstance must also appear natural and quite within the bounds of probability, for the reason stated above. Captain Pentonville explained the progress of the representations to his beloved Aramintha; Mr. Smale listened to Sarah's critique upon the music with the most deferential attention, during the intervals between the acts; and Mr. Buckram sustained a mysterious discourse with Belinda, in low whispers — a circumstance which the captain did not fail to observe. It was about ten o'clock when Mr. Buckram and Belinda left the box, for the purpose, as they observed, of proceeding to the refresh- ment-room for a few moments. Captain Pentonville immediately asked Aramintha to accompany him thither also ; but the sentimental young 270 THB STEAM PACKET. lady was too much wrapped up in the loves of the hero and heroine of the piece then in progress, to lavish a thought upon lemonade or wine and water. The captain was therefore compelled to sit upon thorns for a quarter of an hour ; at the expiration of which period he issued abruptly from the box, merely observing to Aramintha that he should return in a moment. He hastened to the saloon ; and a hurried glance cast around imme- diately convinced him that the objects of his search were not there. Without wasting another moment, he rushed from the refreshment- room, hastened down stairs as if he had just committed a felony, and gained the street. He wandered up and down for a few minutes, debat- ing in his mind what course he should adopt, and exclaiming at inter- vals, " What should I do if Tom should miss them ? But he cannot — he will not — he is faithful and cunning ! Shall I wait for him here, or hurry back to the hotel, and watch that quarter ? Surely Buckram would not be fool enough to return there first ? No — he is too sharp for that!" He was about to re-enter the theatre, and hasten back to Aramintha, when Tom Gibbins came up to him, puffing and panting like a broken- winded horse. " Well, Tom — what news ? " cried the captain, hastily. " They 're off, sir, like a cork out of a shampain bottle," returned Tom, wiping the perspiration from his expressive countenance. " Off, are they ! " ejaculated Pentonville ; " tell me all the particu- lars." " Veil, sir," answered Tom, speaking with unusual volubility, " I lurked all the evenin' about the door o' this here theayter, as you told me ; and about twenty minits or so ago, I twigs my lord and my lady a stealin' rapidly out o' the place. I follows 'em at a distance, and they made straight down tovards the Boo de Leek Koo,* where a poshay vaited at the Hotel doo Nor. I hides myself under a gatevay, and sees 'em get in; and then avay goes the shay like mad. I made a inquiry of the English ostler as was there, and heerd they was bound for Paris." " All right, Tom," cried the captain ; " I shall now have an oppor- tunity of showing my good feeling towards Pifpaf, and corroborating by my deeds the words contained in that letter, which you must mind and give him to-morrow morning before breakfast. Have you got it safe ? " "Safe!" ejaculated Tom, feeling in his coat pockets; "I never "< * Query Rue de VEcu ? — Printer's Devil. THE STEAM PACKET. 271 lost nothin' in my life yet, with the exception of a suvrin' as mother sent me to change von Saturday mornin'." " Make haste, Tom — make haste ! " cried the captain impatiently : " why do you fumhle about in your pockets like that ?" " Bless me if I can — no — blow me — veil, I never ! " ejaculated Tom, feeling in all his pockets, one after the other ; " as sure as I'm a made bein' vith human featurs, I've lost that there little hepistle ! " " Damnation ! " cried the captain; " you surely do not mean " " I mean wot I says, sir ; and wery sorry I am," answered Tom, giving up the search as a bad job : " but all the grief in the vorld von't remedy it." " What shall I do ? how shall I act?" mused Pentonville audibly as, in a state of deep embarrassment, he paced up and down near the door of the theatre : " what shall I do ? All my plans will be dis- comfited by this unlucky mishap ! Tom, Tom — I did not think " " I'm wery exceedin' wexed, sir," interrupted Tom ; "but blowed if I know, how I come to do it. Can't you start at vonce, and write another despatch to Pifpaf from the fust stage — unless you catch 'em and return vith 'em to-night? " " I will do so, Tom — I must do so," said the captain, after a mo- ment's reflection. " Now, then — out with the horse." " He 's been in readiness this two hours in the adjinin' stable, sir," said Tom ; and to the establishment thus alluded to did master and man repair ; Mr.'Gibbins observing on the way " that he 'd selected the wery best bit o' flesh as the livery could perduce, and that he knowed wery well that though it wos a rum 'un to look at, 't would prove a devil to go." Mr. Gibbins had so wisely adopted all his measures, and so faith- fully fulfilled the instructions of his master, that there was not a moment's delay at the livery stables, and the captain was speedily mounted upon the nag held in readiness for him. .. " Are you all right, sir ? " demanded Tom. " Quite," replied the captain ; and with these words he trotted rapidly away from the stable-door. While he is on his journey along the Paris road, we shall enlighten the reader a. little with regard to his views and intentions. He had determined upon adopting a new course of life, and of calling to his aid honourable means to accomplish any aims to which he might aspire in future. He at the same time did not think it incompatible with his new resolutions to avail himself of any fortunate occurrence by which he might legitimately establish claims upon Mr. Pifpaf 's favour and forgiveness. He had anticipated what would be the conduct of the 272 THE STEAM PACKET. tailor, and had resolved to defeat it. At the same time he thought it would he expedient to allow that individual to proceed to a certain extent in his designs, so that he himself might have the credit of saving Belinda from such a match, and restoring a daughter to a father who would be grateful for the service thus rendered. He had calculated that he should return with the fair fugitive as soon as possible on the ensuing morning, after Mr. Pifpaf should have received his letter of explanation and penitence ; and he resolved that, should forgiveness be accorded him, he would devote the remainder of his life to all the honourable means within his reach to repair his shattered fortunes. Under these impressions had he hitherto acted, and the hope of accomplishing his purpose occupied his mind as he galloped along the road after the post-chaise which contained the roguish tailor and the deluded Belinda. > CHAPTER XXV. WHEREIN A PORTION OF PREVIOUS DELUSIONS IS DISSIPATED. O woman ! the bright side of thy character sheds so much pure and holy lustre upon the dim and dark scenes of this rude world, that thy foibles, thy frivolities, thine inconsistencies, should be forgotten ! We speak not now of beauteous women only — but of woman in general. The capricious inclination awakened by the mere charm of perishable beauty is idle in the extreme ; but that love which springs from the concordant sympathies of virtuous souls — that love which is awakened by the perception of moral excellence, and fed by meditation upon intellectual beauty — that is a passion which refines and ennobles the human heart. Where is there a sight more nearly approaching to the intercourse of angels, than that of two young beings, free from the sins and follies of the world, mingling pure thoughts, and looks, and feel- ings, and becoming as it were soul of one soul, and heart of one heart? How exquisite is the silent converse that they hold — the soft devotion of the eye, that needs no words to make it eloquent ! Alas ! would that this picture could always apply ; would that self- ishness, or a more gross feeling still, never desecrated the altars of true love, by assuming its semblance ! Belinda was not attached to the sup- posed lord, in the manner which we have just described ; and the reader is well aware that the tailor entertained a more sincere regard for the pecuniary than the personal or mental qualities of the indiscreet young THE STEAM PACKET, 273 lady. There"was not the slightest sentiment between them which deserved the name of affection. Belinda was anxious to become Lady Noodleton, of Diddleham Hall, Notown ; and Mr. Buckram was de- sirous of living upon Mr. Pifpaf for the remainder of his days. But still the tailor was conceited enough to imagine that his fair companion was more enamoured of his person tban his supposed rank ; and he calculated with confidence upon being able to retain his influence over her by means of " himself alone," even when the delusion relative to his rank should be dissipated. And that the secret must now be revealed he well knew; for, bold as he was in the paths of imposture and deceit, he did not dare entertain the idea of carrying his assumed title along with his intended bride up to the very altar of God. He ac- cordingly resolved to get over this most unpleasant part of the whole adventure without delay ; and scarcely had the post-chaise left Bou- logne behind it, when he entered upon the explanation in the following manner : — " Courage, my sweet Belinda — courage ! Why do you sigh and sob so?" " My poor father and my motber are in my thoughts," answered the weeping girl. " Oh ! what will they think — what will they say, when they miss me?" " Why, missing me too, dearest," ejaculated the tailor, " they will see through the dodge in a moment. But I took my measures so well, that they can no more obtain a trace of us than I could make a pair of breeches without any seams." " Ah ! my lord " " Do drop the title, my dear Belinda," interrupted the tailor, some- what pettishly ; " I can't bear to hear it come from your lips — from the lips of the woman I love — from the lip3 of her who should possess all my confidence, and know all my secrets — and whom I mean to stick to as tight — as — as a surtout-coat to a dandy who wears stays." ?' Well, then, since it will please you," murmured Belinda, reclining her head upon his shoulder at the same time — for the deluded girl really imagined that she was deeply in love with her companion — " since it will please you, I will call you by a more endearing term. Tell me — shall we be very happy together ? — and shall you not be ashamed to introduce the daughter of a retired tradesman to all your high and rich acquaintances ? " "Tell me, Belinda," said the tailor, pressing her hand, "should you be happier if we were more equal in respect to our situations in life — I mean, if either I was a tradesman or you were a lady of birth " 274 THE STEAM PACKET. - ( " Oh ! I should like to rise to your level ,^ replied Belinda readily; " but I would not for the world that' you should descend to mine. Besides — you may think it vanity and pride on my part — but I always vowed I would never marry a tradesman ! " " The devil you did ! " ejaculated Mr. Buckram, taken somewhat aback by this assurance. " And why not ? If a tailor— I mean a tradesman — is an honest man, good-looking, and got a comfortable business, I don't see why you shouldn't be as happy as with the Duke of — of— Dandiprat." " No, my lord — I mean my dear Noodleton," said Belinda, " I never would marry a tradesman — I hate anything vulgar ! " " But all tradesmen are not vulgar, you know," rejoined the tailor. ?• Nearly all," returned Miss Pifpaf. "Have you not observed — between ourselves — that I am frequently compelled to blush for pa and ma, particularly at table? " " Well, I can't "say that I have noticed it," observed the tailor ; "and I again repeat that I should feel quite as happy as an honest tradesman — a grocer, or a tailor, for instance — but I think I prefer the tailor ; it 's more respectable " " Oh ! don't mention the odious thing ! " cried Belinda, quite alarmed by this display of the sentiments of her intended : " I couldn't think of marrying a tailor ! What ! — a snip, whosejcoat of arms is a goose ? No, my dear Noodleton, never ! And then to have all the neighbours saying, ' Ah ! there goes the wife of the tailor who cab- bages the cloth ! ' Upon my word, the idea is as appalling as it is ludicrous ! " " Belinda, I am really ashamed to think that you should entertain such idle prejudices," said Buckram, whose countenance, could his fair companion have seen its expression through the darkness of the night, would have revealed the true state of those feelings which she was so deeply, though unconsciously, wounding. " And why ? " exclaimed she, after a moment's pause : "ami not going to marry an earl ? and have I not a right to be a little proud ? At all events it is no use pursuing a theme upon which we do not seem at all likely to agree, and which cannot bear the slightest reference to our situation. I would much rather you would tell me about Diddle- ham Hall, as you used to do, and your park — and the deer — and the beautiful gardens — and your farms — and " " My dear Belinda," interrupted the tailor, " I really think you are only going to marry me on account of my title and riches." " Oh ! no, Noodleton," immediately exclaimed the young lady : " unless my heart were also interested " THE STEAM PACKET. 275 tx Only a little interested, then ? " said Buckram. " Greatly— deeply interested," answered Belinda, who really believed that she was only giving utterance to the truth : " at the same time, I must confess that, had you been a plain gentleman, I should not have been so speedily dazzled with your — your — acc6mplishments — and — and — your good qualities — because -" " Because what? "- asked Buckram. " Because," continued Belinda, " they are less apparent in a private man than in a nobleman. But you were so condescending — and so attentive to pa and all of us — and so Very, very amiable to me — that -" " And thus," said Buckram, finding that the young lady hesitated, " I am chiefly indebted to rank and fortune for the honour which you now do me in accompanying me to Paris to become my wife ! " "Why will you talk so?" cried Belinda, scarcely knowing how to explain her real sentiments, or those which she fancied to be her real ones. " I love you — -I will do anything for you ! Have I not given a proof of it by accompanying you this night, alone, without a female companion or attendant ? But I must hold you to your promise to engage a maid for me at the first town we stop at to-morrow ; and then I shall have full confidence — as indeed I now have— — " "Oh ! full confidence ! " ejaculated the tailor: " that is always the phrase with young ladies in these cases. Now tell me truly, Belinda," he added in a coaxing tone, " if I really was a tradesman — suppose such a thing should or could happen — just suppose such a thing, that's all — would you then marry me ? " "Pray don't talk in this manner, Noodleton — I can't and won't hear it ! " cried the young lady. " Yes — but I wish to know at once whether you love me for myself alone, or for my property and rank?" " I cannot conceive " " Answer me a plain question, Belinda : — were I plain Mr. Jenkins, or Mr. Noakes, or Mr. Buckram, for instance, — would you marry me?" " Of course I would, my dearest — ever dear Noodleton ! " answered the young lady, thinking that such a reply was the best method of finishing a topic which she did not admire, and not conceiving that she ran any risk of compromising her sincerity by making the asser- tion. " You would — you would, my ever dear Belinda!" cried Mr. Buck- ram; and he embraced her enthusiastically. "Oh! then," he added, assuming a theatrical tone, and recalling to mindthe nature of the t2 276 THE STEAM PACKET. ejaculations and sentiments used in romances and novels, — " oh ! then, 'you are dearer to me than I thought ; and ours will be a union blest by love, instead of lucre. Dearest Belinda, I am not what I seem — what I have pretended to be — I am an honest man — but a tradesman " " A tradesman ! " almost shrieked Belinda. " Oh ! my lord — why trifle with my feelings ? " "No, Belinda, I am not trifling with your feelings : on the contrary, I am pouring my whole soul into your bosom ! Ah ! this is sweet indeed ! A heart that beats reciprocally with another heart — and all for love ! You are a treasure, Belinda! I know your noble and lofty soul — and I am not disappointed. You will not despise me — you will not love me the less. No — you say you will not — you will love me all the same ! " " In the name of heaven, my lord!" exclaimed the astonished girl, not knowing in what sense to receive this rhapsody, and whether it were the preliminary of a declaration that her lover was a mere nothing, or an avowal that he was a duke in disguise — but she hoped and anti- cipated the latter. "Cease that silly expression 'my lord,' Belinda — when I tell you that I am no lord — that I am an honest tailor by trade" — (gentlemen of that profession always use this phrase) — " that my name is Buckram, and that I will make you as happy as Mrs. B., as you would have been as Lady N." Mr. Buckram fell upon his knees, at the bottom of the chaise, as he uttered these words, and pressed Belinda's two hands to his lips. "A tailor — Buckram!" cried Miss Pifpaf : "oh! no — impossible — impossible ! You must be a lord — Pentonville said so — we all took you for one — oh ! yes, I am sure you are a lord ! " " I swear that I have told you the truth, Belinda," returned the hero of this sublime adventure ; " and I now throw myself upon your mercy !" " A tailor ! " mused Belinda, throwing herself back in the chaise, while the blood se3med to flow like a torrent back to her heart from every vein and artery, and the perspiration started out upon her fore- head like huge drops of rain. " A tailor !" she repeated. " Yes, dearest; and as good a one as ever turned out the suit of a Bond-street swell ! " added the lover, kissing her hand voraciously. " A tailor ! " she murmured again ; then as a light seemed to dart suddenly across her brain, she ejaculated, " Oh ! now I see it all. Yes — that accounts for your constant reference to the art of your craft, which I supposed to be an aristocratic fashion ! A tailor — oh ! a tailor ! — a snip — and cabbage ! " THE STEAM PACKET. 277 Belinda did not mean to insult the person kneeling at her feet ; but, with a reference to former thoughts, she repeated mechanically those words which represented the ideas uppermost in her mind, and the indignities to which she believed the wife of a gentleman of Mr. Buck- ram's profession must necessarily be subjected. "Well, then, Miss," exclaimed the tailor, starting from his knees, and resuming his seat by her side, " since you take it in this light, we had better go to the common sense of the thing at once. I have told you who I am, honestly and in a straightforward manner ; and I now put it to you whether your reputation won't be all the better by your marrying the tailor with whom you will have passed a night no one knows where ! " " Add not insult to injury, sir ! " ejaculated Belinda, now recovering all her presence of mind, and resolving in a moment how to act : " I demand, if you have a particle of honour left, or if you entertain towards me one spark of the affection that you have always professed — I demand that you instantly order the postilion to return to Bou- logne, and restore me to my father and mother.'* The mention of parents produced the natural effect upon a female mind in such a cruel situation; and Belinda burst into a flood of tears. At that moment, before the tailor had time to make any reply to Belinda's request, the carriage wheeled abruptly out of the road, and stopped at the door of the little inn adjoining the post-house at Samer — a distance of about twelve miles from Boulogne. The people belonging to the inn immediately came up to the car- riage, with lanterns in their hands ; and the light thereof glared upon the pale cheeks of Belinda, and the flushed countenance of Buckram. The landlord opened the door, and Belinda instantly leaped from the vehicle. Mechanically she followed the host into a parlour ; and, throwing herself upon a sofa, buried her face in her hands, weeping bitterly. Buckram entered a moment afterwards, and made a sign for the landlord to leave them alone together. " Upon what do you resolve, Miss Pifpaf ? " said the tailor to the disconsolate young lady. " To return to my father and mother this moment," replied she, starting from the sofa ; " and with a female servant belonging to this inn to accompany me back to Boulogne. If you refuse, sir — I shall seek the protection of the landlord." " Only consider, dear Belinda," began the tailor, who now saw that he had gone too far ; " only consider that your reputation will suffer, and that I adore you — dote upon you!" 278 THE STEAM PACKET. " I consider — I see nothing — I know nothing," answered the young lady, " save the infamous cheat you have practised upon me ; and I wish to have no farther communication with you." Buckram was about to try his powers of persuasion once more, when the door flew open, and Captain Pentonville entered the room. Be- linda uttered a cry of joy, and flew towards him for protection. " What does this mean ? how dare you interfere with me ? " de- manded the tailor, attempting to assume a bullying air. " My good fellow," said Pentonville, very coolly, "you know the warning I gave you, and the determination to which I had come: Your insolent swaggering will have no effect upon me : advance to- wards this lady or me with any hostile intention, and I will level you in a moment with the butt of my riding-whip." " Oh ! you are come in time to save me ! " ejaculated Belinda. " This odious man has confessed the fraud he has practised ; and instead of a nobleman with a large estate " " He has revealed himself, then? " interrupted the captain. "Miss. Belinda, I must confess that I was a party — more or less unwillingly — to that deceit : but you need fear no treachery at my hands. This moment will I return with you to Boulogne, where I shall make such statements to your father as will doubtless induce him to forgive me. I had written a full account of all the circumstances of this imposture ; but the letter has been lost. I shall therefore make the communica- tion orally ; and you can testify that I have amiounced to you that such is my intention." " It is very easy to assume to yourself the credit of having deter- mined to reveal every thing, when you find that I have done it for you," said Buckram doggedly. '* Oh ! I know not what I hear — I cannot believe that you were a party to this man's fraud," exclaimed Belinda. " But I shall suspend all judgment until you see my father; provided you restore me to him without delay." "Miss Pifpaf, you may confide in me," said the captain, in a tone of dignified composure. " Perhaps, considering the delicacy of your position, it would be as well to obtain the companionship of some female." Belinda thanked him with a glance: he accordingly rang the bell, and questioned the landlord. This individual uttered a great deal about calling females out of their beds at that hour (it being now mid- night), and at length agreed that his eldest daughter should undertake the duty proposed. This arrangement being made, the captain once more addressed himself to Mr. Buckram. THE STEAM PACKET* 279 M Perhaps you will have the courtesy, sir, to allow us the use of the chaise back to Boulogne ; and you can follow, if so disposed, upon the horse which has borne me hither. Or, should the proposal be more acceptable to all parties, Miss Pifpaf and her intended companion can ride inside, while you and I may occupy the box." " If you think I 'm going back again to Boulogne, you 're devilishly mistaken," said the tailor. " You may take the chaise, and do what you like with it; and as for your horse, an arrangement can be made to send that back. I wish you both a very pleasant journey," he added sarcastically ; " but mind me, Pentonville — Pifpaf shan't think you the saint and me the rogue ; for I '11 write to him, on my part, you may be well assured." With these words the tailor flung out of the room j and Miss Pifpaf was then prevailed upon to partake of a glass of wine and water, as she stood greatly in need of refreshment, after the excitement her feelings had undergone. In a short time the landlord's daughter was ready j and, by the desire of Belinda — who could not be prevailed upon to think Captain Pentonville so guilty as he even represented himself to be — this gentleman occupied a seat with the ladies inside the vehicle. At about two o'clock the vehicle entered Boulogne, and drove straight to the Hotel d'Angleterre. Belinda instantly sought her mother's room, where a most affecting scene occurred between herself and her family ; while Captain Pentonville, on his part, repaired to his own chamber, where he soon sank into a slumber which was sweetened by the consciousness of having at length done a good action. CHAPTER XXVI. IN WHICH LORD NOODLETON ARRIVES AT BOULOGNE. "And so he was not a lord after all ! " mused Mr, Pifpaf, audibly,, as he performed the duties of the toilet on the, morning succeeding that night of memorable adventure ; " and all his fine stories about the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Archbishop of Canterbury were a farce. Oh ! how deplorably were we all gulled ! What assurance I — what impudence! But, for my part, I always suspected there was something wrong ; and I once or twice hinted the same to you, Mrs. P." "Indeed you did not, Mr. P.," retorted the amiable helpmate of the Chairman: "on the contrary, it was you who was so enamoured of 280 THE STEAM PACKET. the villain, and who so wanted him to marry Belinda. Poor girl ! — she '11 be the laughing-stock of all our friends ! " " Eemember we have forgiven the false step which she took, but which she retrieved in time by her prudence," exclaimed Mr. Pifpaf, holding hi3 bulbous nose aside with the finger and thumb of his left hand, while he shaved himself with the right: "remember that, my dear ; and never let the poor girl hear reproach or angry word from us." . " I 'm sure I thought my poor head would have driven me distracted last night, when she did not return," said Mrs. Pifpaf. " But what line of conduct do you intend to pursue with regard to Pentonville ? He was evidently a party to the fraud, and seems to me nothing more than a common -swindler himself." " By his conduct in rescuing Belinda, I shall consider that he has atoned for a portion of his offences," answered Mr. Pifpaf; " but as I must — I mean we must, my dear — now look upon him as a mere adventurer " "Without a shilling," added Mrs. Pifpaf. . Without a shilling," echoed her husband, wiping his razor upon a curl paper, — " and as he has evidently deceived us with regard to his own means, connexions, and position, we have no alternative but to cut his acquaintance henceforth. I shall summon the committee immediately after breakfast " " Pray, Mr. Pifpaf," interrupted his better half, " have done with committees and nonsense, and think how we are to avoid all these disgraceful exposures. Belinda deluded on one side — Aramintha de- ceived on another — a nobleman turning out a tailor, and, perhaps, the captain no captain after all " " That remains to be seen," said Mr. Pifpaf, who certainly felt some- what inclined to favour Pentonville's cause : " Belinda told us that the captain was anxious to give some explanation this morning — we may as well hear it, you know; and " " And give him another chance of deceiving us, eh, Mr. Pifpaf? " said the lady, impatiently. " Well, well, my dear — we shall see," cried her husband. " You must remember that Aramintha's peace of mind " " She had better suffer a little vexation than marry a swindler," exclaimed Mrs. Pifpaf. " Really my poor head will go quite distracted ! " " You saw how she took on last night — or rather this morning, when Belinda said that the captain was in the fraud," observed Mr. Pifpaf. " Perhaps there may be a loophole " " No — not the least," interrupted Mrs. Pifpaf, emphatically. " All THE STEAM PACKET. 281 we have to do is to return home as soon as possible, and make the best of a bad job. Aramintha and Belinda must consent to be laughed at for a short time ; and, perhaps, in a few months or so, other matches may turn up." Mr. Pifpaf did not make any reply to this consolatory reasoning ; but proceeded to tie his neckcloth, and finish his toilet. Having com- pleted this duty, he issued from his room, and was immediately ac- costed in the passage by Mr. Smale, whose countenance was elongated by half a foot. " Well," said this gentleman, " so it's all a humbug with the noble- man." " All," answered Mr. Pifpaf. " I never was so mad in my life." " And what must I be, then? " cried Mr. Smale. "The villain has swindled me out of a hundred and fifty odd pounds — all my little sav- ings — in that pocket-book, you know " " God bless me ! " exclaimed Mr. Pifpaf, putting on his spectacles the better to contemplate the Custom-house clerk's countenance. " God bless me, indeed ! " said Smale, looking particularly annoyed. " And then to humbug me, too, about my dear old grandmother — and Tim Macarthy — and Mary Murgatroyd — and Aunt Susan — oh ! it was too bad!" " It was — it was too bad ! " echoed Mr. Pifpaf. "I can't conceive how we could have all been such fools. But how came you to have heard of it already ? " " I saw Sarah for a moment just now," answered Mr. Smale ; " and she gave me a rapid account of last night's adventures. I wouldn't care so much if I hadn't lost my money. But it is all through that consummate villain Pentonville. I should like to break his head ; only — only — " added Mr. Drinkwater Smale, " I am afraid he would break mine first." " I am sorry Pentonville has turned out so," said Mr. Pifpaf, musing ; " he is such a jovial fellow at the club — so good a hand at a song — so excellent a man to move ' Welsh-rabbits and devilled kidneys ' when a prosy speech is being made — and so brave a chap to put a refractory Luminary out." " So he is — so he is," returned Mr. Smale. " But — hark ! what is that noise in the court-yard ? Here is a new arrival." The two gentlemen hurried down the stairs, and found all the ser- vants of the hotel collected around a courier who had just arrived, and who was in the act of dismounting from his jaded horse. Upon inquiry of one of the servants, who understood English, Mr. Pifpaf found that an English nobleman of rank and fortune was within three 282 THE STEAM PACKET. or four miles' journey of Boulogne, on his return from Paris, and that he intended to remain a day or two at the Hotel d'Angleterre. " His lordship,'' added the domestic, " has sent his courier in advance to order apartments to be prepared ; " and this circumstance had thrown the whole hotel into bustle and confusion. " Pray, who may the nobleman be ? " demanded Mr. Pifpaf. The servant inquired of the courier, who replied, to the astonishment of all present, " The Earl of Noodleton." " The Earl of Noodleton ! " ejaculated the domestics : " why he has been staying at the hotel for some days," " There must be a mistake here," observed the landlord. " No mistake at all," said the courier, coolly : "his lordship has been travelling in Italy and the South of France, and I have accom- panied him. We started from Paris yesterday morning, early ; and in half-an-hour he will be here." Mr. Pifpaf, after remarking to Mr. Smale upon this strange coinci- dence, proceeded to inform the landlord of the cheat practised upon himself and brother Luminaries by Buckram the tailor ; and the story was speedily buzzed, not only throughout the hotel, but all over Bou- logne. But to continue. " Here is Pentonville," suddenly whispered Mr. Smale to the Chair- mart of the Luminaries; "let us see what he will say for him- self." The captain drew near the little group, and saluted Mr. Pifpaf with respect, and in a manner expressive of contrition, though not of servile or cringing submissiveness. " Good morning, Captain Pentonville," said Mr. Pifpaf, coolly : " good morning, sir — a-hem ! I have to thank you, sir, by the way for having restored me my daughter, whom a villain, sir — a villain in- troduced by you into the bosom of my family " " Mr. Pifpaf, spare your taunts," said the captain, firmly. " To you and to Mr. Smale, who is to be your son-in-law, and who there- fore feels interested in all that regards you and your family, will I pre- sently make a confession of all that has taken place ; and you will per- ceive that the imposture practised by Mr. Buckram did not originate in a systematic fraud ; but that it arose from an accident, whose results I was subsequently unable to control." " Ah ! Captain Pentonville," said Mr. Pifpaf, " I am afraid that your present anxiety to make amends for the past has arisen only from the defeat which your schemes have experienced. Had you suddenly stopped short in your career of — of — of deceit," said the worthy and really kind-hearted old man, unwilling to use a harsher word, although THE STEAM PACKET. 283 *' villany " had, at first, trembled upon the tip of his tongue, " had you thrown yourself upon my mercy, revealed everything, and avowed your fault, — even then, Pentonville, I would have forgiven you — I would have looked over it — for your sake — yes — for my daughter's sake ; ? — and as he uttered these words, a tear started into Mr. Pifpaf's eye. " By heavens ! my dear sir," ejaculated Captain Pentonville, " such was my intention ! I had written you a letter, containing an account of everything, and throwing myself upon your mercy ; hut " " And what became of that letter ? " demanded Mr. Pifpaf, fixing a searching glance upon the countenance of the captain, and slightly shaking his head in an incredulous manner. " Heavens ! how circumstances conspire against me ! " cried Pen- tonville, clenching his fists : " as I am a living man, I wrote that let- ter, and gave it to my man-servant last night, to deliver to you the first thing this morning ! " " And why was it not delivered ? " said Mr. Pifpaf. " It was lost — Tom lost it almost immediately after he received it," returned Pentonville : " I take my God to witness that " " Young man," said Mr. Pifpaf, with a sternness of expression which the captain never had beheld on that countenance before, " perjure not yourself ! You cannot suppose that I should believe so absurd a tale. But "here, sir, is the real Lord Noodleton : perhaps you will re- cognise your friend ! " Mr. Pifpaf uttered these last words with a peculiarly sarcastic em- phasis : indeed he was annoyed and vexed with the captain, to whom he really felt favourably inclined, and whom he believed to be again attempting to delude him with mendacious narratives, intended as ex- tenuations and apologies for former misconduct, but of which they were in the old gentleman's eyes merely aggravations. As Mr. Pifpaf spoke, a carriage, with arms emblazoned upon the panels, and drawn by four horses, entered the courtyard of the Hotel d'Angleterre. " That must be Lord Noodleton," said Mr. Smale, as a middle-aged but imposing looking man emerged from the vehicle. " Now, Pen- tonville," he added, spitefully. " I have not the pleasure of his lordship's acquaintance," exclaimed the captain, with a firmness of tone which seemed to imply that he was anxious to avoid all illegitimate pretension and deceit in future : " and now, gentlemen, if you will attend me to a private room, I will explain to you the whole circumstances connected with myself and the impostor Buckram, from beginning to end." 284 THE STEAM PACKET. It is impossible to say what answer Mr. Pifpaf was about to give to this proposal ; for no sooner had these words issued from the lips of Captain Pentonville, when the little group was accosted by two gen- tlemen, one* in black, and the other in a blue frock-coat and white trousers. The gentleman in black walked first, and when he drew near to Mr. Pifpaf, Captain Pentonville, and Mr. Smale, as they stood in one corner of the courtyard, apart from the crowd around Lord Noodleton's carriage, he said, in the French language, " Can either of you gentlemen inform me where I might find one Captain Penton- ville?" " I am Captain Pentonville," returned our hero — though not without a certain misgiving at the probable nature of the business upon which he was sought after. "Oh! you are Captain Pentonville," said the gentleman in black, impressively ; then turning towards the gentleman in the blue coat, he added, more impressively still, " This is Captain Pentonville." " Very well," observed the gentleman in ths blue coat ; " proceed with your business, sir." The gentleman in black looked over his shoulder, and appeared satisfied with the result of his glance, which was followed by another from the visual organs of Captain Pentonville, who beheld two dirty and ill-looking fellows lounging about the gateway of the hotel, in a most suspicious manner. " I am sorry to say, Captain Pentonville," said the gentleman in black, drawing some closely-written papers from his pocket, " that I have a warrant against your person, upon a bill of exchange, passed by the house of Bilkins and Phips, London, to the firm of Beaucaire and Bertrand, in Boulogne. The amount is 1267 francs ; if it is not convenient to pay you must come to prison." Had this circumstance occurred only forty-eight hours previously, Captain Pentonville would have instantly appealed to the good feel- ings, and through them to the purse, of Mr. Pifpaf: but now the idea did not for one moment enter his head. Calmly turning round to that gentleman and Mr. Smale, who were ignorant of the nature of the above proceedings, the captain observed, " Mr. Pifpaf — Mr. Smale, this person is a bailiff, and he is about to take me to prison for debt ! " " To prison ! " ejaculated Mr. Pifpaf, mechanically thrusting his hand into his breeches pocket ; " to prison — no ! " "To prison, Mr. Pifpaf," said the captain; "and if you and Mr. Smale will call upon me there in the course of the day, I will give THE STEAM PACKET. 285 you the explanation promised just now. Gentlemen," added the cap- tain, turning towards the bailiff and his companion, "I am now ready to accompany you." " I must inform you, sir," said the gentleman in the blue coat, now speaking for the first time, " that I am the Justice of the Peace for this town and its district, and that my duty compels me to attend upon such occasions as the present, when the caption is made in a house or its premises, to see that the proceedings be peaceably and legally conducted. I have now also to inform you that you are not compelled to repair to prison until sun-set ; but may walk about accompanied by the bailiff and his follower" — here the magistrate and bailiff both glanced towards the two ill-looking fellows at the gate before alluded to — " to endeavour to obtain the means of settling the debt." "I thank you, sir," said Captain Pentonville; "but as I have no chance of immediately obtaining the money to liquidate the amount claimed, possessing no resident friend in Boulogne, I should rather proceed to prison without delay. Mr. Pifpaf — Mr. Smale — I return you my sincerest thanks for past civilities — past kindnesses ; do not reproach me for my misdeeds — I am already about to undergo the penalty attached to them." The captain bowed to the two Luminaries whom he had thus ad- dressed, and then walked rapidly away, accompanied by the bailiff and the Justice of Peace, and followed up the street, at a respectful dis- tance, by the officer's two men. Meantime Mr. Gibbins, upon leaving his master's room as ere now related, had strolled as far as the Hotel des Bains, where he accosted a fat, pampered, important-looking waiter, who was lounging at the door of the passage leading to the coffee-room. " Parley-woo English, my fine feller ? " said Mr. Gibbins, in a tone of familiarity which was intended to place the sleek waiter quite at his ease. The waiter nodded his head majestically, and stretched out his legs so as to form an acute angle with the floor, as he waved his hand and his napkin as a signal for Mr. Gibbins to proceed. " Oh ! you does, does you ? " said Tom, giving the stout waiter a poke in the ribs; " veil, that's a blessin'." " And what your beesness, young man? " demanded the waiter, de- precating this familiarity with a scowl. " On'ythis," answered Tom, "that me and myguv'ner, and t'other gen'lemen and ladies as woyages along with us, intended fust to put up at the Hot-tel day Bangs ; but some feller or another puts a crotchet 286 P THE STEAM PACKET. in the Cheerman's head, that the Hot-tel Dang-glitare wos the cheapest ; and so ve vent there." *' Well, and what den ? " said the sleek waiter, who could not com- prehend to what point all this explanatory harangue was tending — un- less, indeed, it were to the announcement that the travellers alluded to felt very uncomfortable at the Hotel d'Angleterre, and intended to transfer themselves without delay to the Hotel des Bains ; "Veil," continued Tom, "ven I was at Dunkirk, I wrote to a young lady which is a chamber-maid in a hot-tel at Margate, and told her to address her answer here. So if so be you 'd have the kindness? old dot-and-go-von, to see if you 've e'er a letter for von Tummas Gib- bins, Eskvire, I 'd be obleeged to you." " Is dat all? " ejaculated the astonished and disappointed waiter. " Not quite," said Tom ; " cos if there 's any postage to pay I '11 pay it — and that 's all— and under many obligations for your ciwility." " Dat is all, den ? " cried the waiter. " Nothin' more at present," answered Tom, cocking his hat on one side of his head, and then whistling a tune extremely popular in Saint Giles's and other equally fashionable quarters of the English metro- polis. The waiter proceeded to the office^ or counting-house, attached to the hotel, and returned in a few minutes with a letter, which he de- livered to Mr. Gibbins, who paid the amount of postage demanded. Tom then left the hotel, and proceeded to read his epistle in the street. The employment seemed a satisfactory one, as a gleam of joy illumined the expressive countenance of Captain Pentonville's valet ; and in case the reader should be curious to know what sort of a reply the amo- rous epistle given in Chapter XIII. of this most veracious history could elicit, we adopt the only measure which may lead to the gratification of his curiosity — viz. the insertion of the reply itself. The document ran as follows : — ** Mb. Gibbings, dere Sib ; " I reseaved your kind letter and hasten to arnser by return of post. I don't a hesitate to awow that your conversation made a great im- preshun on my mind, and that your letter was calkilated to improve it; but the men is such deseavers, and young gals gets so often taken in, that no prudent female as calls herself wirtuous and chased, will admit a suddin pashun. Mr. Gibbings, my art promps me to confess that I never have had no follerer yet ; and that if I do think serously of changin' my condishun at enny time, I don't mean to say but what I should like to take a walk out with you on Sunday afternoon, and go to chapel THE STEAM PACKET. 287 with you in theevenin', to hear the rewerrend mister Smackcushin who does hold forth so godly that when I were there last evening, I couldn't a help thinkin' how pleased you would have been to have been with me to have heard it. I can't say but what you and me, Mr.Gibbings, may be happy together; but we haven't seen each other all together more than a few ours yet ; and I don't think that's'quite suffishent to unable us to juge of each other. I hope you won't be hangry, but I con- sulted Mrs. Moggies which washes for us, and Mrs. Liggins, which is the cook, you remember ; and they both said it were like your impe- rence to perpose to a young lady which you 'd on'y seen vonce as von may say. But Mrs. Moggies softened arter I give her a drop of gin and cloves, and said, f Well, he is a amiable young man ;' and when she'd had the second glass, she declared, with tears in her eyes, that you was a most desperate insiniwatin' young feller. Now I don't say this, Mr. Gibbings, sir, to make you wain, but on'y to show you how pru- dent young wimen of my age should be. If you do like to rite to me again, you had better just let me know when you shall be in England once more, as there 's no use taking one by supprise. At the same time I don't ask you to write ; but if you do of course I shall arnser it. "Jane." By the time Mr. Gibbins had brought this letter to a conclusion, he reached the Hotel d'Angleterre, into the courtyard of which he turned with a smiling countenance, for he perceived that his suit was not alto- gether unacceptable to the pretty chambermaid of the White Hart at Margate. " Tom," said a familiar voice, as he entered the hotel. " " Sir," replied Mr. Gibbins, touching his hat to Mr. Pifpaf, by whom he was now confronted. "Did you have a letter to deliver to me from any one, Tom?" demanded the chairman. " I did, sir," was the answer. " And what has become of it ? " " Lost, sir." *' Keally, Tom — really?" said Mr. Pifpaf, whose goodnature and generous heart prompted him to hunt after any circumstances which might seem to extenuate or atone for the captain's conduct ; — " really, Tom, really?" " On my hoath, sir," answered Mr. Gibbins ; " and if you was to put me on the rack, and grind all my limbs to powder as fine as flour, sir, you wouldn't get no other reply, cos it 's the blessed truth." " Very well, Tom — very well," said Mr. Pifpaf, scarcely knowing whether to decide that the master and man were in collusion together, 288 THE STEAM PACKET. or to put implicit faith in the circumstance as related to him. " Do you know where your master is, Tom ? " " No, sir — unless he 's in the coffee-room, or gone down on the pier —or " " Or in prison, Tom ? " said Mr. Pifpaf, seriously. " Prison, sir — prison*! " ejaculated Tom. " Then .here goes arter him!" Mr. Gibbins had already gained the hotel portals, when the Chair- man of the Luminaries called him back in a tone so authoritative that he dared not disobey it. " Yes, Tom," said Mr. Pifpaf, in a whisper, " your master is arrested for debt. I can't pay him out — at all events not just now — I should not be justified in doing so after all that has occurred. But he musn't want, Tom-r-he musn't want. Poor fellow — he 's punished enough. Give him — give him this bank note : tell him you picked it up in the streets — or borrowed it — or— or stole it ; but don't let him think it comes from me." With these words Mr. Pifpaf placed a ten pound Bank of England note in the hands of Tom Gibbins, and hurried away to the coffee- room, leaving Captain Pentonville's valet perfectly astounded by the news he had heard, and the handsome treatment which followed the announcement thereof. CHAPTER XXVII. IN WHICH THE TIDE OF EVENTS TAKES A SUDDEN AND MOST IMPORTANT TURN. Captain Pentonville proceeded with his escort to the prison, which was a large gloomy building, with two walls, one inside the other, so that in the narrow passage between them sentinels might patrol up and down, to prevent the escape of the prisoners. The captain was first shown into the gaoler's room, where the bailiff sate down to draw up a proces-verbal, or account of the transaction, the Juge de Paix having taken his leave at the prison door. The bailiff's followers were also introduced into the gaoler's apartment; and, after a little "hem-ing" and " ha-ing," they requested permission to be allowed to drink the gentleman's health, as if they had done him an especial favour by conducting him to his present quarters. The captain threw them a five franc piece, and then sate down in a melancholy mood, to ponder upon his fallen condition. 1 1 STEAM PACKET : £ A TALE OF THE RIVER AND THE GCEAIJ BY G. W. M. REYNOLDS, JkVTKOR OS •« FICX'WXCK ADUOAD," "BOBHRT MA*CAlttS ( * "MA8TBE TIMOTHY'S BOOK-CASK," ** AX-FBKD DB KOftAKN,'' 8tC. &C. ILairtMm: W. E M A N S, 12, WARWICK SQUARE, /r m THOMS, FR1NTKR,] [WARWICK SQUARK. & yw~r>h ^^|4v^^, THE STEAM PACKET. 289 He had not remained long in this state, when a clamorous ring at the bell of the prison gate aroused him from his reverie ; and in a few moments Mr. Buckram entered the apartment in the custody of two gendarmes. " Ah ! Pentonville— what, you here! " ejaculated the tailor, struck with surprise at this most unexpected encounter ; " what the devil has placed you in this pleasant abode ? Surely old Pifpaf " " No," answered the captain, coolly ; "lam detained for debt. But why do you come hither ?" " May I never cut out another waistcoat or patch another elbow,' cried the tailor, " if I can exactly comprehend why myself. All I know is, that the circumstance of your coming after me last night to Samer, and taking away Belinda from my care, aroused the suspicions of the authorities ; and at seven o'clock this morning the Commissary of Police entered my bed-room at the inn in that town, and demanded who and what I was. I answered, boldly, Lord Noodleton, because, do you see, I had arrived at the place under that name ; when, to my surprise, the magistrate declared I was an impostor — that is, as far as I could understand him — and, as I had no passport, ordered me to be sent back to Boulogne. So here I am — ignominiously detained in a common gaol — and all through your infernal folly in not carrying out the plans in which we had embarked ! " Here Buckram threw himself upon a chair, and fell into a sulky si- lence. Captain Pentonville did not feel anxious to renew his intimacy with his quondam associate ; and thus half an hour elapsed without a word being exchanged between them. The bailiff continued writing on one side ; and the gendarmes, after having signed the gaoler's books, sat down to a lunch of rolls, saveloys, and small wine, on the other. Again the bell rang ; and this time Mr. Thomas Gibbins was ushered into the presence of his master. '* Wery sorry to jine you here, sir," said that functionary. " Can't be helped, Tom," responded his master, trying to look cheer- ful. " Perhaps I deserved it, Tom — perhaps it will do me good — be a lesson to me." " My eyes ! " ejaculated Mr. Gibbins at that particular moment ; ** : do you mean t6 say you 're in lavender, too ? " , These words were addressed to Mr. Buckram, who only replied with a savage grunt, and resumed his meditative posture, with his back to the company. A word from the captain, conveyed in a whisper, gave Mr. Gibbins an idea of the causes which had brought the tailor thither. " I see Pifpaf, sir," said Mr. Gibbins, in the same low tone of voice; u 290 THE STEAM PACKET. " and he told me you wos here. He seemed wery much affected, and he sent you a ten pun' note." " A ten pound note, Tom ? " repeated the captain, with a counte- nance expressive of the most unfeigned surprise. " Did indeed, sir," returned Tom; " here it is. He told me to be sure and not say who give it to me, but to pretend as how I 'd prigged it out of a gen'leman's pocket, or picked it up in the street like a bit o' vaste paper, or fished it up from down a airey." "And Mr. Pifpaf sent me this! " said the captain, unable to believe his own eyes ; " are you sure, Tom, that this is not some kind ma- noeuvre of yours to induce me to accept a little assistance " " I swear it 's as I told you, sir," interrupted Mr. Gibbins. "Then Pifpaf is my friend still!" said the captain, clasping his hands together in a manner expressive of extreme thankfulness. " He spoke wery kind — wery kind indeed, sir," continued Mr. Gib- bins. t "I see a tear in his wenerable old eye, and his lips was exceed- in' agitated ven he give me that there flimsy. * Tom,' says he, ' he musn't want — he musn't want, you know.' Blowed if I couldn't ha' caught him in my harms and hugged him jist as if he wos a father or a uncle at least. He's a kind-hearted man, sir — a non-pareil of a friend, sir." " So he is, Tom ; so he is," returned the captain ; and, turning aside, he affected to look, for some moments, out of a window ; but his faith- ful domestic observed that his white cambric pocket-handkerchief was once or twice applied to his fac The gendarmes had now finished their lunch, and the bailiff his writ- ing; and in a short time the captain, the tailor, and Tom Gibbins were left alone together in the gaoler's apartment. " Tom," said the captain, after a long pause, " you may as well go down to the hotel, settle my share of the account, and take away my baggage. God only knows how long I shall be here now ; and I may as well endeavour to make myself comfortable." The captain gave his attendant some money ; and the latter indivi- dual departed to execute the commission entrusted to him. He had not, however, left the room five minutes, when he returned, in breath- less haste and with a joyful countenance, exclaiming at the same time " Here comes a lot on 'em, sir — Pifpaf, and Smale, and that stout gen- 'leman as dined yesterday at the table-d'hdte -" " What ! — Mr. Smith ? " cried the captain, a strange and undefinable feeling of mingled hope and alarm filling his breast, as the above tidings met his ears. THE STEAM PACKET. 291 " Yes — Mr. Smith," returned Tom ; " and another indiwidual too» with whom I hain't the honour o' being ack-vainted." Scarcely were these words emitted with strange volubility from the mouth of Mr. Thomas Gibbins, when the gate bell was rung more fiercely than it had been sounded all the morning ; and the persons announced by the captain's valet immediately afterwards entered the gaoler's apartment. "Where is this pretended Lord Noodleton?" demanded the person- age with whose name Tom had professed himself to be imacquainted, but who was, in reality, the nobleman whose title the tailor had been adopting ; " where is this impostor ? Let me see whether he will tell me to my face that he is the Earl of Noodleton now ? " Buckram rose sullenly from his seat, and surveyed the party with dogged indifference. " Are you, sir — are you the man who dared assume my name ? " cried the Earl of Noodleton, advancing towards the tailor, his counte- nance expressing the deepest indignation. " Yes — that is the man," said Mr. Pifpaf ; " and he had himself made a Luminary, too, by the same name. That I shall never forgive, nor forget." " And do you think, sir," continued his lordship, heedless of Mr. Pifpaf's latter remark, — " do you think, sir," he said, addressing him- self to Buckram, and speaking with all the volubility of extreme wrath, — " do you think, sir, that it is pleasant to my feelings to know that a vulgar blackguard like you — a tailor — a common journeyman tailor, for anything that I know — has been passing himself off as the representative and descendant of one of the oldest families in Eng- land ? Do you think, sir," continued the earl, stamping violently upon the floor, "that I can put up with such villany as this, and allow all the people who have feasted their eyes upon you under the impression that they were gazing upon a British peer, to remain under that delu- sion? Sir, you are beneath my notice — beneath even my footman's notice ; but your conduct has, nevertheless, tended to irritate me seri- ously." " I am very sorry for it," said Buckram, sullenly ; " but I shan't stand here to be abused and called names any longer. Do what you choose, but let 's have no more jaw." "Vulgarian!" ejaculated Lord Noodleton, in a tone of the most sovereign contempt. "You can conceive my astonishment, gentle- men," he continued, addressing himself to Mr. Smith, Mr. Pifpaf, and Mr. Smale, " when on my arrival at Samer very early this morning, and stopping to breakfast, so that my courier might have leisure to ride u 2 292 THE STEAM PACKET. on to Boulogne, and get rooms ready for my reception, — you can con- ceive my astonishment, I say, when I was treated at first as an impos- tor, the landlord and all his servants assuring me that Lord Noodleton had already arrived there in the middle of the night. I was obliged to send for the Commissary of Police and exhibit my papers, as proofs of my identity ; and thus it was that this rascal was detected and taken into custody." " I had done with your name then," said Buckram, still in the same sullen tone, but with a manner which plainly showed that he was cowed by the presence of the nobleman ; " and I should have resumed my own as soon as I set out on my journey to Calais, where I intended to go for the purpose of finding my way back to England. I hope your lordship won't press this matter." " Press it, indeed ! " ejaculated the Earl of Noodleton, a little sof- tened ; " I could have you sent to the galleys if I chose." Buckram turned very pale at this announcement, and begged very hard to be pardoned. For some time the Earl of Noodleton allowed him to plead without receiving a favourable reply ; but at length he yielded to his prayers, and promised to show him mercy. " I will consent to look over this offence," said his lordship, ** with the hope that the whole business will act as a warning to you in fu- ture. You will oblige me, sir, by retiring to some other part of the prison, so that my indignation may not be aroused again, during the few minutes I may have to remain in this room, by beholding your odious person. You need not be alarmed, sir — I shall take the neces- sary steps to obtain your release for you this afternoon. Go ! " The tailor did not wait to be ordered to leave the room a second time: he slunk away, dejected, cowed, and looking as miserable and crest-fallen as he had lately been insolent and overbearing. As soon as Mr. Buckram had closed the door behind him, Lord Noodleton turned towards Captain Pentonville, and said in a stern tone of voice, " I presume, sir, that you are the person who originally intro- duced that impostor to this confiding and open-hearted gentleman? " His lordship pointed to Mr. Pifpaf as he uttered these words. 11 My lord," said the captain, " I see that you have already learnt from Mr. Pifpaf the particulars of that transaction. Allow me to assure you most solemnly that I never contemplated the fraud; I had no motive for it — no plan to serve by it — no interest to promote. I had, foolishly, at different times affected to have the honour of your lordship's acquaintance " " And how dare you make use of my name in any way, sir ? " de- manded the Earl of Noodleton. THE STEAM PACKET. 293 " Your lordship's father was my godfather," answered Pentonville ; " and this little circumstance, probably, suggested to me your lord- ship's name, when I was anxious to seem upon intimate terms with personages moving in a high sphere of society." " I am really very much obliged to you, sir, for the honour you did me in selecting me thus as one of your familiar friends," said the earl ; but his lordship did not speak with the same bitterness, nor in the same irate manner as when he was addressing the discomfited tailor. " I apologise most sincerely, most humbly, my lord," said the cap- tain. " In a word, I am deeply sensible of the foolish and dishonour- able path I have been pursuing. I admit the justice of the punish- ment which has now overtaken me ; and I hope you will all allow me to explain the real origin of the imposture connected with your lord- ship's name." " Proceed," said Mr. Pifpaf benignantly. " But might I ask the motive ? " exclaimed the captain, glancing towards Mr. Smith. " Oh ! this gentleman has come — has come merely as a friend," answered Mr. Pifpaf: " you need not mind him. I have told him all, and he desired to see the end of it." " If you wish that gentleman's presence as a disinterested witness of what I am about to state," said Captain Pentonville, " I have not the least objection. I have made up my mind to act honourably in future; and my actions henceforth shall bear investigation." A " Well said, young man," from Lord Noodleton, and a somewhat impatient "Go on — go on," from Mr. Smith, together with a sub- dued " Brayvo " from the corner in which Tom Gibbins was standing, interrupted the captain for a moment: he paused, glanced composedly around, and then spoke in the following manner: — " I have already stated that I was vain and weak enough upon seve- ral occasions to affect an intimacy with his lordship ; and on one occasion I was bold — indeed vile enough — to use his lordship's name for the purpose of obtaining some money from Mr. Pifpaf. Mr. Pif- paf followed my messenger home to my lodgings, and met me and the tailor Buckram at the house door. Mr. Pifpaf immediately concluded that my companion was Lord Noodleton. What could I say? I declared that he was, but did not at the moment entertain the most remote idea that the deceit would be carried any farther. The tailor took advantage of it to insinuate himself by those means into Mr. Pif- pafs society and that of his family and friends ; and I was weak — - wicked enough, I mean — to allow the fraud to be continued. I must however declare most solemnly — and I do so at a moment when I have 291 THE STEAM PACKET. no longer any sinister motives to serve — exposed as I am, imprisoned as T am — that I determined yesterday morning to reveal every thing to Mr. Pifpaf, and throw myself upon his mercy. I made Buckram acquainted with my intentions, and I wrote a full explanation to you, sir," addressing the chairman of the Luminaries; "but my servant lost the letter immediately after I entrusted him with it to deliver to you." "This I have heard before, Captain Pentonville," said Mr. Pifpaf; " but I regret that I cannot put faith " "It is then my turn to speak," exclaimed Mr. Smith, coming for- ward. " I am happy to be enabled to corroborate this erring but penitent young man's assertions. I myself overheard him yesterday morning upon the pier assure the impostor Buckram that he would confess every thing to Mr. Pifpaf; and a strange coincidence has also rendered me his witness with regard to the letter. Here it is," added Mr. Smith, taking the lost epistle from his pocket: " I saw Mr. Pen- tonville's attendant drop it accidentally last evening in the vicinity of the theatre ; I picked it up ; and, guessing its contents, for certain reasons of my own abstained from delivering it to Mr. Pifpaf until now." " I am grateful to you, sir — deeply grateful for this readiness to speak in my behalf," said Captain Pentonville, respectfully but fer- vently pressing the hands of the bilious old gentleman. " Grateful, you dog! — grateful, indeed !" ejaculated this eccentric individual : " if you wouldn't be grateful to your own uncle, to whom would you, I should like to know ?" " My uncle! " cried Pentonville, with the most unfeigned surprise. "His uncle!" echoed Mr. Pifpaf and Lord Noodleton simulta- neously. " Not the von vith the three balls over his door, I hope," mur- mured a voice in the direction of the corner where Mr. Gibbins was posted. " Yes — your own and only uncle, Augustus," said the old gentle- man, folding his nephew in a most affectionate embrace. "My lord, — Mr. Pifpaf," he added after a pause, " excuse me for the little du- plicity of which I have been guilty in concealing my real name, and adopting the common one of Smith. I only lately arrived in England from an Oriental clime, where the greater portion of my life has been passed ; and on my arrival in London my inquiries after my nephew were not responded to by the most satisfactory accounts. I heard that he had accompanied the club of Luminaries to France ; "and I re- solved to be an eye-witness of his conduct. For that reason I assumed THE STEAM PACKET. 295 the name of Smith, and circumstances favourably conspired to make me acquainted with his penitential sentiments, and his resolution to throw himself upon Mr. Pifpaf's mercy by the exposure of the villain Buckram. I detained the letter which chance threw in my way, with a view of ascertaining how matters would proceed, and of throwing my testimony into the scale if it were required. I know the world — I have been tossed about by it, and amongst its people ; and I have not succeeded in amassing a large fortune without becoming acquainted with all the peculiarities and passions of men. My lord, and you, gentlemen," added the newly-found relative, addressing himself to Mr. Pifpaf and Mr. Smale, " I will guarantee the future integrity of this young man. You, my lord, may safely honour him with the friend- ship of which he has vainly boasted hitherto ; you, Mr. Pifpaf, may award him the hand of your daughter ; and you, Augustus, will en- deavour to render yourself worthy of your position as the nephew and heir to the title and fortune of Sir William Staunton." As the baronet — for such indeed he was — concluded his address to those present, Augustus sank down upon his knees, and kissing his uncle's hand, wept over it copiously. "Rise — rise, Augustus," said Sir William, i{ and let a veil for ever be drawn over the past. Perhaps I am to be blamed for much of your past misconduct — I, who although aware that your parents were no more, neglected to interest myself in their child." " And I willingly offer you my friendship, Captain Pentonville," said the Earl of Noodleton, advancing, and shaking our hero cordially by the hand. " Your parents and my family were upon most intimate terms — my father was your godfather, and why should not we endea- vour to perpetuate the good feeling? " Augustus poured forth his gratitude in suitable terms, for the hand- some and generous conduct of his lordship, and then turning towards Mr. Pifpaf, he said, " And you, my dear sir — can you pardon me ? — can you forgive me ? " *' Pentonville, my dear boy," returned our worthy old friend, whim- pering and smiling as he spoke, "I should have pardoned you without all this — I should have forgiven you in a day or two, I know I should ! " " Ah ! my dear sir," said the captain, " I am aware of your good feelings towards me. That faithful creature," he added, pointing to- wards Tom, " told me how generously you behaved this morning. Yes, my dear uncle," he continued, " this noble-hearted gentleman, although naturally stung to the quick by the idea of my baseness, and smarting under impressions of my ingratitude, actually sent me money 290 THE STEAM PACKET. by my servant — money, to save me from want, after all my conduct towards him ! " "Excellent friend ! " exclaimed Sir William Staunton, grasping Mr. Pifpaf 's hand : f * sincerely do I hope that the future behaviour of my nephew will efface all remembrance of past errors." " Not a word more — not a word more, my dear sir," said Mr. Pif- paf; " I always liked him — he knows it; and he will be a good boy yet. But where is that faithful fellow, Tom '? " "I ans'ers to that 'ere name, sir," cried Mr. Gibbins, emerging from his corner, and wiping his eyes with his coat-sleeve : then glanc- ing around the party assembled, he said, " Wery glad to have the plea- sure o'seein' a real lord at last, instead o' that there Brummagem von ; — also wery much pleased, sir, to see a uncle as comes to help his nevy out o' difficulties vithout rek-ning security and interest at twenty per cent. ; — wery glad, Captain Pentonweal, to hear that you 're all right vonce more ; — and wery exceedin' happy, sir," with a salutation to Mr. Pifpaf, " to think that you won't have no unpleasantness to inter- rupt the harmony of your thoughts, sir, next time you takes the cheer at the club." Having delivered himself of this oration, Mr. Gibbins felt suddenly abashed, and was about to withdraw once more to his corner, when Sir William Staunton said with a smile, " We thank you for your kind wishes, Tom, and I shall not forget your fidelity to my nephew. Now run and tell the gaoler that I am ready to pay the amount for which your master is detained." Tom departed, and speedily returned with the superintendent of the prison, who received the money which procured the captain's release, with a handsome gratuity for himself, from the hands of Sir William Staunton. The little party was then about to depart, when Mr. Smale, who had been very fidgetty for the last five minutes, suddenly ex- claimed, " But am I to have no redress for the loss of my hundred and fifty-five pounds, of which that swindler Buckram plundered me?" " If you have lost anything through him, sir," said Sir William Staunton, " I will repay you with pleasure — for my nephew's sake. Not a word more upon that subject at present, if you please." Mr. Smale coloured up to the hair of his head, and muttered his thanks in somewhat unintelligible terms ; for the Custom-house clerk was quite overpowered by the idea of being actually in the presence of a live lord and a live baronet at one and the same moment — es- pecially, too, as there could be no possible mistake about the reality of their rank and titles. He had half a mind to address one word to the THE STEAM PACKET. 297 nobleman in favour of his dear old grandmother, and Aunt Susan, and Mary Murgatroyd, and Tim Macarthy ; but the bearing and appear- ance of Lord Noodleton overawed him ; and he resolved to postpone the business until a future and more propitious occasion. And now at length the little party left the prison and returned to the hotel. It would however he impossible to do justice by mere words to the scene which occurred upon their arrival — nor find language adequate to the task of depicting how the charming Aramintha wept and smiled in her lover's arms ; — how Mrs. Pifpaf forgot all about her " poor head " in the joy of welcoming Sir William Staunton as a future connexion of the family ; — how Lord Noodleton made himself so agreeable to the ladies, and especially to Belinda, that they did all but declare aloud, " that he was indeed a lord, and no mistake this time ; " — how Mr. Pifpaf hastened to the coffee-room to narrate the whole ad- ventures of the morning to the assembled Luminaries, and mysteri- ously hinted that the name of Lord Noodleton needed not to be struck off the list of members ; — how, in a word, the dinner that day was the most joyous and convivial that the travellers had yet had; — how Captain Pentonville experienced a tranquillity of mind which he had never before known ; — how Tom Gibbins was allowed a bottle of champagne with his own dinner in the servants' hall ; — and, lastly, how at nine o'clock that evening the following ordinance was issued for the behoof of those whom it concerned : — " PIFPAF, CHAIRMAN. " The Executive Committee of the Honourable and Independent Order of Luminaries, sitting in lumine, have resolved and do resolve upon the arrangements following : — " 1. The Steam Packet will depart for London to-morrow morning at nine o'clock. " 2. Gentlemen Luminaries are requested to empower Captain Pen- tonville, the Treasurer, to settle their accounts with the landlord of the Hotel d'Angleterre, in order to avoid confusion. " 3. As the Right Honourable the Earl of Noodleton has conde- scended to express his readiness to accompany the Honourable and Independent Luminaries on their voyage home, the great banner of the club will head the procession precisely at half-past eight o'clock. " 4. Gentlemen Luminaries are requested not to attempt to convey into England, in a surreptitious manner, any contraband articles, such as French gloves, watches, eau-de-Cologne, &c. " Pifpaf, (Countersigned,) " Pentonville." 298 THE STEAM PACKET. CHAPTER XXVIII. IN WHICH THE HEROES OF THIS NARRATIVE ARE PLACED IN A MOST PERILOUS POSITION. The morning dawned gloomy and threatening: the wind whistled through the narrow streets of Boulogne, and the sea was by no means of an inviting appearance to ladies and gentlemen whose principal aquatic experience had been derived from pleasant trips between Lon- don Bridge and Greenwich on one side, or Chelsea and Richmond on the other. It was true that the Luminaries had encountered one good gale during their present trip, and had been compelled to land at Gravelines in consequence ; but that circumstance had not endowed them with the spirit and valour of thorough sailors. They therefore trembled and turned pale when they beheld the threatening nature of the weather, and their hearts actually sank within them when Lord Noodle ton declared at the breakfast- table, " that it was only a plea- sant little breeze, and that of course they should not be deterred from undertaking the proposed voyage homewards." No one dared ven- ture a remonstrance to this opinion advanced by a real and genuine lord ; and as Sir William Staunton also expressed his wish to return to London without delay, the Luminaries tacitly resigned themselves to the dreadful fate which they nearly all most firmly believed to be in store for them. Mr. Pifpaf buttered his roll with more deci- sion of manner than usually characterised him : Mrs. Pifpaf hinted somewhat about her " poor head " and the pitching of the vessel: Ara- mintha vainly endeavoured to borrow courage from the composed ap- pearance of her lover : Belinda fidgetted, but did not romp : and Sarah declared that no music was so inharmonious as the roaring ocean. The determination of the Earl of Noodleton and Sir William Staun- ton prevailed over all these fears ; and as none of the gentlemen ven- tured to win the imputation of cowardice by objecting to the embarka- tion, the alarms of the ladies were of no avail. The captain of the steam-packet declared that there was no danger, although there might be a good swell expected in the channel ; and although Mr. Smale did meditate upon the inconvenience of being snatched away from this life before his excellent old grandmother and other heirs and relations, he did not offer an objection aloud. The procession was accordingly THE STEAM PACKET.' 299 formed; and by nine o'clock the entire party was safely embarked on board the steamer. Majestically did the steamer move out of the port of Boulogne and enter upon the open sea. There was something about the build of the gallant ship which struck with admiration the loungers upon the pier ; and the gallant manner in which she met the billows proved that they were not at fault. Riding over the waves with apparent ease, in spite of the enormous burden she carried on either side in the shape of paddle-boxes, she seemed like some living, breathing crea- ture to whom the water was a proper element. But as the vessel drew farther away from the French coast the weather became more tempes- tuous, the wind increased, and the fury of the waves augmented. The Luminaries were compelled to retreat to the cabins, and the ladies went through the same interesting little process of sickness and alarm which we have before described. Mrs. Pifpaf could scarcely obtain any sympathy for her " poor head ; " — Aramintha murmured the word " Augustus " without finding in it any charm or spell to settle the qualms which made her countenance assume a certain expression totally at variance with the sweet and calm melancholy of poetry ; — Belinda did not hesitate to declare that the rage of the elements was a judgment upon the steam-packet for having been the scene and medium of the cheat practised upon her by Buckram, and even expressed a faint regret that the real Jonah was not there to be offered as a pro- pitiation to the angry ocean ; — and Sarah hummed to herself a stanza of her own composing, in which the words "gale" and "Smale" were introduced, doubtless for the convenience of the rhyme. In the gentlemen's cabin, the only persons who did not give way to their alarms were Lord Noodleton, Sir William Staunton, and Captain Pen- tonville ; and they sate conversing together as comfortably as if the ship were not tossing in the least, or the ocean one jot more un- quiet than a mill-pond. Captain Bloomfield having been privately consulted by Mr. Pifpaf relative to the propriety of running for Dover, instead of proceeding to London, declared that the longer passage was the more practicable ; and the poor chairman resigned himself to his fate, which he prepared to meet with becoming coolness through the medium of cold brandy- and- water. The steam-ship was running rapidly with the tide at the back of the Goodwin Sands, from which it was distant about three or four miles, and over which the waves were breaking with fearful violence — rolling one after another, in huge floods, and bursting in mighty volumes of surf and foam, — when, on a sudden, the appalling cry of "Eire! " echoed through the vessel. That dread alarm fell upon the ears of 300 THE STEAM PACKET. the inmates of the cabins ; and in a moment the companion ladders were crowded with the affrighted beings rushing to the deck. Ladies appeared, some with their hair hanging wildly over their shoulders, others with their stays unlaced : all sensations of recent illness had disappeared, and were succeeded by the one dread engrossing senti- ment of terror. The deck was speedily crowded with passengers ; and questions were put far more rapidly than replies could be obtained. At that same moment a heavy sea broke on board, and the water rushed down the companion-ways into the now deserted cabins, like tremendous cataracts. The vessel staggered under the wave ; but it immediately righted ; and, though weakened by the impetus, still kept head to wind. The situation of the passengers, and also of the gallant steam-packet, was more desperate than even Captain Bloomfield himself had at first imagined. The vessel was on fire in the engine-room ; and the sea which had broken over her stern, and deluged her cabins, had not reached the hatches of that compartment of the ship. Every means had been tried to check the progress of the flames before the alarm was given ; but all endeavours were vain, and in a few moments the flames burst forth around the funnel with a fury that seemed to threaten almost immediate destruction. The boats were instantly lowered ; and while they were being eased into the water, many an eye was cast around, with feverish anxiety, to discover if a sail were near. It was with the greatest difficulty that the sailors and more self- possessed portion of the Luminaries on board the steam-packet could maintain anything like order while the embarkation in the boats took place. First the ladies were removed into them, and then the male pas- sengers were permitted to follow. No attempt was made to remove one iota of the baggage belonging to the party, the flames gaining too quickly upon the fated vessel, and the boats being too much crowded with living things to admit of the incumbrance of boxes and bales. At length all the late occupants of the steam-packet were stowed in safety in the boats, Captain Bloomfield having been the last to quit the burning vessel. The boats were then pushed off, the mariners took to their oars ; and while the frail barks proceeded slowly over the heaving billows, the steam-packet floated along, at a distance, a huge volume of light red flame shooting up from its entrails into the air, and crowned with a dense and black smoke. The clouds above continued to wear a dark and threatening aspect ; and the wind drove with renewed fury. Captain Bloomfield ordered the course of the boats to be shaped with a view to rounding the North Foreland, and proceeding to Ramsgate ; at the same time he THE STEAM PACKET. 301 expressed a hope that a sail might come in sight, and pass near enough to discover the condition of his company. The boats were too heavily- laden for such a sea, and the fury of the waves was enough to excite the most alarming apprehensions. Perhaps it has fallen to the lot of the reader, among the events com- mon to poor humanity, to be placed in a position of extreme peril, while the dangers which surround him gradually thicken until his situa- tion becomes one of the last extremity, and hope is just ready to de- sert his bosom. At such a crisis, let some prospect of relief, however faint and uncertain, be presented ; let the slightest chance of escape appear, and how his breast becomes agitated with conflicting emo- tions ! How, on a sudden, does the pulse quicken, the heart throb, and .the whole frame tremble with excitement! Then a reaction takes place ; the pulse falters ; the heart sinks within him ; and despondency once more shrouds his spirit in gloom. And thus he continues while the issue is uncertain ; at one moment the creature of ecstatic hope, the next overwhelmed by the bitterest despair. Why is it that man is subject to such contending passions? why does he cling to life with such unyielding tenacity, terrified and dis- heartened at the approach of death ? Do not tell us that this is the work of that instinct which Providence has bestowed upon all the animal creation — upon man, perhaps, the least of all. Instinct may cause the unconscious struggle in the last moment of extremity, may tighten the muscles of the drowning man as he grasps in his last agony some fancied object of relief, and teach the wretch expiring under the knife of the assassin to clutch, with convulsive energy, the sharp steel as it pierces his bosom. But what has instinct to do with the feelings which agitate him who has the opportunity of contemplating death as it approaches with a sure and determined step, and of reflect- ing upon the issue of his course ? Nothing — positively nothing. The terrors which distract him are of another kind, and the fears which oppress him of a different class. It is of these we speak. And why should there be fears ? What terrors should a change of existence produce ? Man is fond of change, why then should he shrink at the last great one ? Certain wise philosophers of the present age (who, by the way, have gleaned what little of sense appears in their theo- ries from the dusky folios of antiquity) have a ready way to account for this, by making ignorance the source of all apprehension of evil; and knowledge the sure and certain remedy for all human ills. " Man," say they, " dreads death because all is unknown and myste- rious beyond it ; and he clings to life not because it is sweet, but be- cause the future is veiled in dark uncertainty. Let the view once be 302 THE STEAM PACKET. made clear, and the prospect plain, so that the way appear familiar, then every anxiety will cease, and every fear be removed." Of a part with this reasoning is the modern theory that all the works of God, we had almost said the very character of the Almighty, are only sub- lime because they are mysterious ; and that when Science unfolds her lights more fully, and we come to understand how minute particles make up the great whole, we shall cease to admire — we shall no longer reverence; and veneration will find no place in our bosoms. Poor, weak, blind fools ! to adore the instrument as the independent cause ; to worship the secondary light and forget the sun ! It is because man is a sinful being that he is unhappy at the thought of dissolution. It is because his heart is darkened by error, and his soul tainted by depravity, that he dreads futurity ; for in that future some- thing whispers to him that all may not be well ! He fears the change, because that change may bring with it retribution ; and let his belief be what it may, nay, we care not whether he have any belief at all, he cannot at the last hour force such convictions from his mind, nor stifle the " still small voice " that utters, with alarming distinctness, " Be- ware ! beware ! " In about half an hour after the steam-packet had been deserted- by its passengers and crew, and when at a distance of, perhaps, three or four miles from the two boats which were labouring in the sea, and making but small head-way, Captain Bloomfield exclaimed, " There — the steamer will be no more in another minute ! " The boats were so close to each other that these words were heard in both; and, while the sailors' rested for a few moments upon their oars, every eye was turned towards the burning ship, which was still hurrying onwards upon the bosom of the sea that was shortly to engulph the remnant of the once gallant vessel. Suddenly, the flames which had burnt dimly for a moment, — a circumstance that had enabled Captain Bloomfield to judge of the approaching catastrophe, — burst upwards in one grand and immense volume of fire : and the small outline of black hull be- neath the red mass immediately afterwards disappeared. The flames were extinguished as suddenly as a candle by a human hand : and nothing remained to interrupt the view between the boats and the ho- rizon that was dark with lowering clouds. Two weary hours passed away, and some provision — the only moveable taken from the ship that was now no more — was dealt out to those who cared to partake of it. " A sail ! a sail ! " suddenly exclaimed the man at the helm of one the boats. " Where away ? " cried Captain Bloomfield, taking his glass ; and THE STEAM PACKET. 303 after a long and deliberate look in the direction intimated by his steers- man, he calmly assented to the truth of the exclamation. " Which way is she going, captain ? " cried one Luminary. " Will she soon be up with us ? " demanded a second. " Are you sure she is coming towards us ? " said a third. " How long before we can tell ? " ejaculated a fourth. These were but a few of the multitude of questions proposed by the excited company, while none waited for an answer to his first query but instantly put a second. The people on board the two boats were soon able to discern with distinctness a large bark-rigged ship approaching them. She was evidently homeward bound, and beating up the channel with wind and tide in her favour. She was apparently about four hundred tons bur- den ; and the perfect symmetry of her proportions, the beautiful ap- pearance of her spars as they tapered upwards to a great height, the graceful rounding of her bow, and the apparent ease with which she rode on the waves, struck the eye of even those who were least adapted to the admiration of nautical objects. In a short time the welcome ship, who observed the signals made by the sailors on board the two sea- tossed boats, altered her course a little, so as to approach them as nearly as possible ; and then, backing her main-topsail, she lay to. Presently the crew of the stranger could be plainly seen, as they passed from one part of the vessel to another ; and every movement on board was watched with almost breathless anxiety on the part of the poor Lumina- ries, who actually entertained some vague and indefinite fear that the ship might still pursue her course and leave them to their fate. As yet no flag had been displayed by the stranger ; but as the boats ap- proached its lofty sides, a slight bustle could be observed on board ; — a moment's delay occurred, and then a bright standard, glittering with stars and lined with stripes, fluttered gaily in the wind — a beautiful emblem of the Republic of the United States of North America ! A few strokes more, and the boats were alongside. The American captain received the passengers and crew with kindness ; and the. Lu- minaries felt their spirits revive with the good fare that was liberally placed before them. The noble ship pursued its way, and in a few hours entered the Thames. 304 THE STEAM FACKET. CHAPTER XXTX. IN WHICH THE NARRATIVE RETURNS TO MR. BUCKRAM, AND RELATES THE LAST MOST IMPORTANT EPISODE IN HIS VERY EVENTFUL HIS- TORY. It is by no means an agreeable task for the historian to trace the down- ward progress of great men. Napoleon descended from an imperial throne to occupy a barren rock in a distant island • — ^Buckram was compelled to abandon the title which had attracted all eyes towards him, and relapse into the humble tailor. His story had got wind throughout Boulogne ; and even the very gaoler was seen to suppress a smile with difficulty, when he cast his eyes upon the unlucky wight. Lord Noodleton — the real Lord Noodleton — had, however, been as good as his word, and no opposition was offered in the course of the day to the tailor's release, so soon as he had satisfied the authorities that his assumed name had not led to the perpetration of any deed militating against the laws of French society. It was about seven o'clock in the evening when Mr. Buckram emer- ged from Boulogne gaol. No longer did his carriage verge upon that semi-swagger which had been assumed to consort with assumption of rank — it being an universal notion amongst the really vulgar-minded, that high rank is always evidenced by an overbearing demeanour and insolent gestures. The tailor, and not the nobleman, was now shown in that crestfallen aspect — that downcast glance — that disconcerted countenance. Instead of rudely taking the wall as he passed along, he stepped into the middle of the street to allow even beggars to pass. He was completely humbled, for it seemed to him as if every one read his history upon his countenance as he walked through Boulogne. He entered an inn, kept by an Englishman, and of very small pre- tensions, with the view of obtaining refreshment and a bed for the night. As soon as he had given the necessary orders, he inquired if there were a porter handy, to fetch his clothes from the Hotel d'Angle- terre. The landlord observed that he would send the commissioner immediately, that functionary also fulfilling the onerous duties of porter and " boots," in the same way as on the occasion of a ministe- rial change some years ago, the Duke of Wellington held half-a-dozen Cabinet situations until the arrival of Sir Robert Peel. The said com- missioner (added the landlord, who was a communicative man) had THE STEAM PACKET. 305 only arrived at his establishment the day before ; but he knew Bou- logne well, and was as trustworthy as he was intelligent. Charmed by this enumeration of good qualities, Mr. Buckram desired the com- missioner might be sent to him; and in a few moments that important functionary made his appearance. To the astonishment and annoyance of the tailor, the commissioner was the same who had lately occupied a similar high post at Gravelines, and who, it will be remembered, waged an interesting warfare both of words and fists with Mr. Thomas Gibbins. The tailor pulled his hat over his eyes, and retreated towards the darkest corner of the room, in order to avoid a recognition, while he delivered, in a feigned tone, his instructions relative to his baggage. " I am glad for do your lordship's wish," answered the commis- sioner ; *' but dis vary strange, for before you shall call me I was speak of your lordship ; so dis make me tink of de provarbe which say, dat ' talk of de devil and lie sure to appear? " " Get along with you ! " cried the tailor, desperately annoyed at the fact of having been recognised by the garrulous commissioner. " But, stay one moment. Now if you let out the secret — if you say in this house who I am, I '11 skin you alive, and not even give you a franc to buy plaster with." " Do your lordship tink I not know de valley of de provarbe dat shall say, ' a wise head make a still tongue *?" demanded the com- missioner. " Your lordship was know dat ' one odd is as good as one mink from a blind horse? " " Certainly, certainly," cried Buckram. " Here is a five-franc piece ; so hold your tongue, and go and fetch my things according to the directions I have given you." " But when I shall get to de hotel, de landlord will be ask me for de proof of de fact dat your lordship was be de person dat send me ; and if I shall tell him dat ' de proof of de eating was in de pudding? he shall apply his one foot to my honourable seat." " Oh ! I know what you want," exclaimed the tailor, after the expir- ation of some moments, during which he had endeavoured to ascer- tain the precise meaning of the garrulous Frenchman. " Give me pen, ink, and paper, and I '11 knock you off a note as genteelly as I would knock you up a new waistcoat out of an old coat." The tailor addressed a concise note to Captain Pentonville, request- ing him to forward his "traps;" and, to his inexpressible relief, the commissioner departed upon his errand the moment he received the missive. Mr. Buckram then sat down to supper ; and his spirits cheered up in proportion as the wine sank lower in the bottle. But, presently he became aware of the somewhat unpleasant fact, that all x 306* THE STEAM PACKET. the servants of the inn entered the room, one after another, at short in- tervals, and upon different pretences ; — and that every now and then a grinning face would peer over the blinds which came halfway up the windows. The tailor could not, moreover, refrain from observing that the waiter's cheeks were frequently puffed out to a most unnatural ex- tent, just for all the world as if he were endeavouring to keep down a violent inclination to explode in laughter. These little circumstances, which convinced the tailor that his secret was already known in the establishment, rendered him somewhat fidgetty and uncomfortable ; and the protracted absence of the commissioner did not tend to con- sole him. At length that functionary entered the room, bearing the portmanteau upon his shoulders. "What a devil of a time you have been?" said Mr. Buckram, sulkily. " ' You shall not hurry one other man's cattle, cos you may he donkey yourself one of dese days,' " returned the commissioner, very coolly, as he deposited the portmanteau upon a chair. *' Who did you see at the hotel ? " demanded Buckram. "De landlord, he first receive de letter, cos he shall stand in de gateway a smoking his cigar," answered the commissioner. " Den he take de letter to the captain which was be your lordship's friend at Gravelines ; and when de captain he shall say who de letter come from, de landlord burst out in de loud laugh, and cry out, ' Ah ! ah ! ah ! that note come from his lordship — eh ? vare good, vare good ! his lordship — eh ? ' So I tink of myself as de provarbe shall say dat l de more fools, de more laughter ; ' and I shall laugh vith dem till de tears was run down my face, and I nearly burst through my 6ides. Den de landlord he vare pleased; but de captain he vare serious in- deed. So I shall be doubt which way my conduct was be, and I find, as de provarbe shall say, dat * de ground comes to you between de two stooV " " So the captain did n't laugh — eh ? " said Mr. Buckram. " No — and he tell me dat I shall be d — d impudent fellow for pre- suming to laugh in his presence ; and den de landlord he shall turn round too vare short upon me, and say ' Yes — you feller, what for you laugh in our presence ? ' So I not know what excuse I shall be make ; and den I see all de servants grinning at me, and talking in de whis- pers about his lordship, which I shall know was be yourself. Den I see with de provarbe l dat 1 got the wrong pig in my ear.' " " And how came you, you rascal, to go and inform the people in this house, just now, all about me ? " cried Buckram. " Did n't I tell you, — d n you! — that I 'd flea you alive if you dared to say a syllable about the matter ? There, take your money, and be off ! " - THE STEAM PACKET. 307 The commissioner muttered something about ''precept being better than example] and disappeared from the parlour, to regale his friends in the kitchen with the particulars of the conversation he had just had with the impostor-nobleman. Mr. Buckram retired to his couch, and slept soundly, notwithstand- ing the change his condition had so lately undergone, the defeat he had experienced in his hopes of obtaining a wealthy bride, and the disagreeable necessity under which he would shortly find himself of returning to his needle, goose, shears, and other professional instru- ments for the means of livelihood. He awoke early, and determined to leave without delay a town where he had met with so many disas- ters. A packet was about to depart for Dover, and although the morning was gloomy and the weather stormy, he summoned all his resolution to his aid, and embarked. In due time he reached Dover, and thence he proceeded outside the coach to London. That highly respectable and very industrious lady, Mrs. Gibbins, had just " seconded " some shirts which she was washing for one of Truman and Hanbury's draymen — and, God knows, they might have been " thirded " and "fourthed " too, with very great advantage; — she had, moreover, just " seventhed " her application to a mysterious black bottle which was carefully kept behind a large jar of pickled onions in the cupboard, — when a loud knock at the front door drew her arms from the suds, and her attention from the shirts. Muttering to herself something about the hardships of the world in general, and of a washerwoman's life in particular, this most exemplary woman wiped her arms upon her apron, and her nose upon her wrist, and then proceeded to open the door of her dwelling. " Lor, Mr. Buckram !" she exclaimed, the moment the portal was unfolded, and the countenance of the tailor met her eyes ; " well — who 'd ha' thought it f But pray come in — and tell us all about what you 've seen and done, and vere Tom is — and vether he 's a good boy — and if so be they has good gin in France. " Thus chattering, Mrs. Gibbins conducted the tailor into her own apartment, and, by way of affording him an opportunity, by compari- son, of replying to her last query, instantly produced the mysterious bottle before alluded to. Mr. Buckram was hungry, and Mrs. Gibbins also remembered that it was supper-time ; and so, as Mr. Buckram sup- plied the money, she just stepped out " for a summut to eat." On her return with hot boiled beef and greens from the nearest cook's-shop, Mr. Buckram could not help sighing as he thought of the poulets truffies and the delicate vols-au-vent which he had eaten in France ; and when the worthy old lady, after a second exit, reappeared with a x 2 308 The steam packet. pot of beer, he felt as if he could weep at the reminiscences of cham- pagne and Burgundy. He, however, constrained his feelings, and did ample justice to the entertainment, which might almost have been said to be given by himself to welcome his own return home. After sup- per Mrs. Gibbins made the kettle boil, — and the mysterious black bottle having been filled at Mr. Buckram's expense, and a little lump sugar procured upon the same system, the washerwoman and the tailor enjoyed themselves to their heart's content. " Well, tell me, Mr. Buckram," said the widow, " what did you see in France ? " " The very best eating and drinking you could fancy, Mrs. Gibbins," answered the tailor. " And do 'em really eat frogs in that 'ere country ? " demanded Mrs. Gibbins. " They do, indeed, ma'am," said Mr. Buckram, " and the most de- licate and beautiful eating those little reptiles are too. They are far more useful than ornamental, I can tell you." " And now, Mr. Buckram, sir," said Mrs. Gibbins, simpering, and endeavouring to look excessively confused, which she had done before from the simple reason of being rather drunk, — " and now, Mr. Buck- ram, sir, will you be so good as to answer me jist von ke-vestion, and excuse the liberty I take in putting sich a wery unproper von ? " Here the good lady stopped to drain her glass, and Mr. Buckram considerately requested her to " fire away." " No — I can't — I raly can't," said Mrs. Gibbins ; " it is so wery euros for a lone vidder to wentur sich a thing to a single gen'leman, and him a young von." " Pray don't let there be any ceremony between you and me," cried Mr. Buckram. " Now, then — another glass — and then you will be as right as a trivet." Mrs. Gibbins mixed two more tumblers of gin-and-water, and then rose from her chair just to slap the face of her seventh child who had started up in the bed in the corner of the room, with a noise some- what between a scream and a howl. Having bestowed this salutary castigation upon the refractory urchin, the worthy lady seated herself, and, after some hesitation, inquired, " since Mr. Buckram would know what was uppermost in her mind," whether it was really true that ladies in France took their breakfasts in bed, and received morning visitors, male and female, in that interesting condition ? To this ques- tion Mr. Buckram replied that he believed the custom had once ex- isted, but that he believed it had exploded ; and the widow then began to interrogate him relative to her hopeful son Tom. "And how does he conduct his-self ? " she said: "does he give THE STEAM PACKET. 309 saytisfaction to his master, and keep his hands from picking and steal- ing, and his tongue from evil speaking, lying, and slan " Here Mr. Buckram came to her aid, as she appeared to be wander- ing a little — probably confounding with the object of her present in- quiries some lesson which she had that morning inculcated in the mind of one of the thirteen pledges of affection left her by her revered husband, when he was wafted calmly out of this world in a stream of malt and spi- rituous liquors. The tailor satisfied her with regard to the prosperity of her son Tom ; and the tidings so overcame the tender mother, that she insisted upon drinking the health, first, of Captain Pentonville — then of Tom — and then of all the Luminaries at once : had she known their names, there is no doubt she would have drunk them in detail. At length Mr. Buckram was compelled to request a female lodger on the first floor to help the excellent widow to her couch, while he him- self repaired to his own nest in the attic. Next morning Mr. Buckram was up by daylight; and, sallying forth, he bought a quantity of paper and pens, a penknife, and a bottle of ink. He returned home, and sate down to write during the whole day, allowing himself only a quarter of an hour for each meal. He wasted the midnight oil too, without wearying ; and day after day did he pur- sue the same routine of labour. He was indefatigable — refusing all professional jobs that presented themselves in the shape of trousers to be seated, and coats to be turned — and not even allowing himself half- an-hour of an evening to join the free-and-easy at the public-house at the corner, where he was an especial favourite. Even when Tom Gib- bins called from time to time to see his mother, the tailor wasted no time in idle conversation with that individual; but, after a few ques- tions relative to Captain Pentonville and the Pifpaf family, returned to his writing with renewed ardour. This industry on his part lasted for six weeks ; at the expiration of which time, he one morning wrote the word " Finis " at the end of his manuscript, and almost immediately afterwards ordered up a bot- tle of wine to celebrate the completion of his task. Next day he car- ried the fruit of his toils to a printer who had agreed to risk paper and print upon the work; and, in due time, the following announcement appeared in the daily and weekly newspapers : — - Now ready, at all the Circulating Libraries, 2 vols, post Svo, cloth, TRAVELS IN EUROPE, By Philip Buckram, Esa. The publishers' names were appended ; and it was lucky for them that they were not the speculators also ; for the poor printer found at the 310 THE STEAM PACKET. expiration of six months only six copies had been sold ; and that so far from the work being at all the circulating libraries, as pompously announced (publishers always put this statement forward, even before the book has left the binder's hands,) it had not given itself the trou- ble to quit the shelves of the publishers to whose care its sale had been entrusted. Mr. Buckram, however, had the credit of being an author — the actual writer of a substantive work ; and, in consequence thereof, he enjoyed an immense augmentation of influence (though, perhaps, a decrease of credit) at the public-house at the corner. We do not hear that he has since committed to paper his ideas upon any particular subject, although, by the aid of a volume or two of travels, he might have written " Travels in China " quite as easily as he had composed his " Travels in Europe." But in case our readers should imagine that we have indulged in a little exaggeration, with respect to the literary episode in Mr. Buck- ram's biography, we must remind him that this is by no means a solitary example of so marvellous an achievement as the composition of a book of travels in lands which the author has never seen. It is a common practice now-a-days : half the "diaries" and "journals " of travel which issue from the press are comfortably scribbled in little back-parlours in Kentish Town, Camberwell, and Brompton ; — and while the writer was supposed, at some particular date, to have been standing upon a peak of the Himaleh mountains, or to be suffering all the horrors of a night in Lapland, he was, in reality, helping some jovial friends to empty a punchbowl in some quiet tavern within a couple of hours' walk of the General Post-office in Saint Martin's-le-Grand. Sometimes writers of travels have really been for a few hours or days — seldom weeks — in the territory which forms the subject of their nar- rative ; — and on their return to England, they, of course, deem themselves fully qualified to discuss the whole policy, social and mo- ral condition, manners and peculiarities, arts and commerce, power and jurisprudence of the people with whose language they are, probably, altogether ignorant, and whom they seldom saw otherwise than through the panes of glass of their travelling-carriage windows. Mr. Buck- ram, therefore, only trod in the same path which so many other emi- nent authors have pursued — with this difference, that somehow or another their books sold and his didn't. THE STEAM PACKET. 311 CHAPTER XXX. CONCLUSION. We have now traced the personages who have figured in this narra- tive, up to that point in their respective histories where the curiosity of the reader can be gratified with only a few additional words of bio- graphical notice. These particulars we shall give in detail. About a month after the return of the Luminaries to London, Cap- tain Pentonville accompanied Miss Aramintha Pifpaf, and Mr. Smale Miss Sarah Pifpaf, to "the hymeneal altar." We use this phrase be- cause no modern novel could possibly be deemed complete without it ; nor would the fair Aramintha herself feel satisfied with any less poet- ical synonyme. The breakfast given by Mr. and Mrs. Pifpaf upon this memorable occasion was worthy of the event it celebrated, and the illustrious personages who were invited to partake of it. First and foremost amongst "the distinguished guests" (as the papers said next day) was the Right Honourrble the Earl of Noodleton, who sat on Mrs. Pifpaf's right hand ; and upon her left was Sir William Staun- ton, embellishing and embellished by a bran-new suit of clothes, which, much as he despised dress, he had ordered for the occasion. It would be impossible to detail how often Mrs. Pifpaf felt quite con- vinced that his lordship must have taken " a something " before he came, or how frequently she expressed her fears that the baronet did not " make himself quite at home." One thing is, however, very clearly established, upon the respectable authority of three influential Lumi- naries, that Mrs. Pifpaf only once alluded to her " poor head " during the banquet — and that was when Lord Noodleton insisted upon her drinking a second glass of champagne with him. As for the worthy chairman himself, he was spared the vexation of bidding adieu to his two daughters when the moment for departure arrived, he having drunk himself fast asleep in his chair — a circumstance so far fortunate that, had he not slept there, he must have performed his nap under the table. When the breakfast was concluded, Captain Pentonville handed " his beautiful and accomplished bride (we again quote from the newspapers) into the carriage which was waiting to convey the happy couple toDiddleham Hall, Notown, which splendid mansion was placed by its noble and truly hospitable owner at their disposal during the honey-moon." It also appears that Mr. Smale and the fair Sarah proceeded to Richmond to pass their honey-moon, at the dwelling of 312 THE STEAM PACKET. the bridegroom's revered and affectionate grandmother. We have been able to ascertain that Sir William Staunton has already settled two thou- sand a year upon his nephew, Captain Pentonville; but as the old gentle- man enjoys excellent health, many years may still elapse ere the cap- tain will inherit the remainder of his large property and his title. It appears that shortly after the celebration of the above marriages, the affairs of Lord Noodleton became somewhat deranged, and Did- dleham Hall was actually in danger of being brought to the hammer. At this crisis his lordship found a sincere friend in Mr. Pifpaf, who generously advanced him a considerable sum of money to retrieve his affairs. The earl was so deeply touched by this act of disinterested kindness, that he offered his hand to the fair Belinda, who had, in- deed, already possessed his heart ; and, after all, she became Lady Noodleton, of Diddleham Hall, Notown. Mr. Thomas Gibbins continues in the service of Captain Penton- ville, to whom he is deeply attached. It was but a few months ago that he took unto his pectoral department — -or, in other words, unto his bosom — the fair Jane Thompson as his lawfully wedded wife, — a cir- cumstance which compelled the proprietor of the White Hart at Mar- gate to look out for another chambermaid, but which, at the same time, gave a faithful female attendant to Mrs. Pentonville. Mr. Pifpaf is still the Chairman of the Luminaries ; and the Lumi- naries are still as intelligent as they ever were, or as the reader has al- ready found them to be. It must be observed that upon no occasion of returning thanks "for the honour done him by drinking his health ! " has Mr. Pifpaf ever forgotten to allude to his distinguished son-in-law, the Earl of Noodleton, This nobleman has, however, never done the Musical Bee the honour of attending at any of the intellectual soi- rees held within its walls ; and we have some reason to believe that he has prevailed upon Mr. Pifpaf to resign the presidential seat at the commencement of the year 1844, — a report to which we are inclined to attach belief, inasmuch as Mrs. Pifpaf has lately been very busy in superintending the furnishing of a new house at the west end of the town. Since writing the above, the Editor of these authentic memoirs has received a letter from Captain Pentonville, enabling him to add some details which may not prove uninteresting, even if they be deemed of no importance. It seems that a few days ago the captain, who lives in a beautiful little cottage at Brompton, had occasion to go into the City in a great hurry ; and as no cab was to be obtained on the nearest stand, he hailed an omnibus which was passing at the moment near his door. The cad, whose 4 countenance was concealed, up to the nose, THE STEAM PACKET. 313 by a blue neckerchief, and down to the eyes by a glazed hat, leapt from his perch behind the vehicle, opened the door with amazing rapidity, and showed the captain in, exclaiming at the time, " Plenty of room, sir ; go up to the end, sir ; you can make your way in, sir, as easy as a child into a grown-up person's double-milled brown Saxony benja- min." The captain turned round as he received this friendly sugges- tion, and, to his astonishment, recognised his ancient friend and companion Mr. Buckram, the tailor. THE END. P. S. THOMS, PRINTER, WARWICK SQUARE. THE STEAM PACKET: A TALE OF THE RIVER AND THE OCEAN BY GEORGE W. M. REYNOLDS, AUTHOR OF "PICKWICK ABROAD," "ROBERT MACAIRE," "THE MODERN LITERATURE OF FRANCE, "MASTER TIMOTHY'S BOOK-CASE," ETC. itf) illustration^ an Jfctcel ana SStaaiL LONDON: W. EMANS, 12, WARWICK SQUARE. 1844. THOMS, PRINTER, WARWICK SCIUARB. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. PAGE In which the Reader receives some Instruction in Nautical Matters . . 1 CHAPTER II. In which a most respectable, erudite, and interesting Club, with Mr. Pifpaf, its Chairman, is introduced to the Reader .... 7 CHAPTER III. In which the Reader is introduced, without any Ceremony, to the amiable Family of Mr. Pifpaf. — Captain Pentonville renders himself particularly 16 CHAPTER IV. In which the Character of Captain Pentonville still farther develops itself . 27 CHAPTER V. In which the Pifpaf Family are at length gratified by the Formation of an Acquaintance which they deem eminently aristocratic. — The Steam Ex- cursion commences ....... 41 CHAPTER VI. In which the Voyage is continued down the River. — A Remedy for Sea-sick- ness. — The Arrival at Margate ...... 56 CHAPTER VII. How Mr. Thomas Gibbins amused himself in the Kitchen of the White Hart Inn, Margate ........ 67 CHAPTER VIII. In which, after a brief Sojourn at Margate, the Luminaries proceed on their Voyage to Dunkirk. — A Quadrille on Deck, and its Consequences. — Vocal Harmony ..... . . 73 IV CONTENTS. PAGE CHAPTER IX. The Luminaries enjoy a most sumptuous Repast at Dunkirk. — A public Execu- tion at Mount Cassel . . . . . . .85 CHAPTER X. In which are recorded the Particulars of a Visit to a beautiful Museum of Curiosities at Mount Cassel. — A Trip to St. Omers 95 CHAPTER XI. In which the Legend connected with the Old Mansion at Saint Omers is narrated ...... ... 104 CHAPTER XII. Mr. Pifpaf meets with a series of Nocturnal Adventures, which will make the Reader's Hair (unless he wear a Wig) stand on end . . . 116 CHAPTER XIII. * In which the Luminaries discover that there is a " Tide in the Affairs of Men," which very often conducts them to one Town when they are anxious to visit another ......... 123 CHAPTER XIV. In which Mr. Gibbins is regaled with a most interesting Disquisition upon the Poverty of the English Language, which leads to some equally interesting Pugilism, also in the English Style ..... 134 CHAPTER XV. Wherein the Freaks of Mr. Buckram are faithfully recorded. — Captain Penton- ville also fancies himself in a Scrape .... 140 CHAPTER XVI. In which the Adventures of Captain Pentonville and Mr. Buckram are con- tinued . . . • . • .... 150 CHAPTER XVII. In which the Narrative still pursues the Adventures of Mr. Buckram and Cap- tain Pentonville . . . . . . . 162 CHAPTER XVIII. A few Words upon Calais. — Mr. Buckram and Mr. Smale again . . 169 CHAPTER XIX. In which the Legend connected with the White Cottage near Calais is narrated 181 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XX. In which the Adventures at the Cafe le Grand are first narrated ; and these are followed by a History of the ever memorable Insurrection headed by Rum- tutch ......... 215 CHAPTER XXI. In which Mr. Buckram encounters a Rival of a desperate Description . 229 CHAPTER XXII. The Arrival at Boulogne. — A singular Adventure at a suburban Ball, and its Consequences . 243 CHAPTER XXIII. In which Captain Pentonville and the Tailor discuss their Prospects . 258 CHAPTER XXIV. In which this Narrative continues the Proceedings of Captain Pentonville and Mr. Buckram, and again refers to the bilious old Gentleman . . 264 CHAPTER XXV. Wherein a Portion of previous Delusions is dissipated . . . 272 CHAPTER XXVI. In which Lord Noodleton arrives at Boulogne .... 279 CHAPTER XXVII. In which the Tide of Events takes a sudden and most important Turn . 288 CHAPTER XXVIII. In which the Heroes of this Narrative are placed in a most perilous Position . 298 CHAPTER XXIX. In which the Narrative returns to Mr. Buckram, and relates the last most im- portant Episode in his very eventful History .... 304 CHAPTER XXX. Conclusion . • • • • • • • 311 LIST OF STEEL ENGRAVINGS. Portrait op the Author (as Frontispiece.) The Luminaries' brilliant Reception of the Pifpafs (as Vignette.) Putting out one of the Luminaries .- . 11 Captain Pentonville and the Pifpaf Family . .21 The Luminaries reach half-way to Margate and mess t,ogether 59 Tom Gibbins proves himself a Man of Taste . 70 The Public Execution ...... .95 Mirth and Mischief, or Mr. Smiggs's Museum . . . 103 The Fatal Assignation . . . . . .115 The Ladies' Cabin — Sentiment and Sea-sickness . . 131 Mr. Thomas Gibbins and the Commissionaire settling an Argu- ment . . . . . • ' • • 139 Captain Pentonville in a Pickle .... . 144 Mr. Pifpaf in a Puzzle . ... . • ... 1G7 The Bastille ....... . 205 Play and Earnest . . . . . . .217 The Duel . . . . . . . .240 The Luminaries enlightening their Understandings at a Ball. ,251 The Elopement ...... . 273 The Luminaries Flaring up ..... 308 MR. EMANS HAS JUST PUBLISHED THE FOLLOWING NEW AND POPULAR WORKS :— I. Complete in One Vol. pp. 594, Price Sixteen Shillings, embellished with Sixteen beautiful Steel Engravings, for in Fifteen Parts, Price One Shilling each,) — MASTER TIMOTHY'S BOOK-CASE. By G. W. M. REYNOLDS, AUTHOR OP " PICKWICK ABROAD," " MODERN LITERATURE OF PRANCE;" " ROBERT MAC AIRE," &C. " We have frequently had occasion to speak favourably of the writings of this author j and we see no reason in the work before us for changing that opinion. Part I. of ' Master Timothy's Book-Case ' contains forty pages of letter-press and two beautiful steel engravings, and is sold at the usual price of one shilling. At that rate it is de- cidedly one of the cheapest works of the day ; and its intrinsic merits will doubtless aid not a little in procuring for it an adequate share of public patronage. The design of the tale is singular : the hero, Sir Edmund Mortimer, becomes possessed of a magic book- case, which reveals to him all the secrets and mysteries of human life. The chief aim of Mr. Reynolds in this work seems to involve his hero in a series of doubts and mysti- fication ; and, when his curiosity and suspense are worked up to the highest pitch, he appeals to the book-case, and the truth is immediately made apparent. That which at first sight appeared virtuous, turns out to be vicious ; seeming injustice proves to be justice ; and every thing turns out in a contrary manner from what either the hero or the reader of the tale anticipate. We are told in the Preface that ' one of the principal aims of the author, is to illustrate the truth of the ancient aphorism that we should never trust to appearances.' The interest of the reader is most acutely excited ; and he must lay down this first Part with a wish to become acquainted with the next. We perceive by the Preface, that in the course of forthcoming Parts the story of Madame Laffarge and the historical subject of the Man with the Iron Mask are to form episodes in the tale. The plot is ingenious and original ; for, although, from the title, the reader might imagine that it is an imitation of ' Master Humphrey's Clock,' we can vouch that no similitude of design is apparent in the tale now before us." — Dispatch, July 4th, 1841. II. Complete in One Vol. pp. 672, Price Fifteen Shillings, embellished with Fourteen beautiful Steel Engravings, (or in Fourteen Parts, Price One Shilling each,) — THE FORTUNE TELLER; OR, THE HEIR OF HAZELMORE. By EUPHEMIA GERALDINE WALKER, AUTHOR OF " THE CHILD OF TWO FATHERS," &C &C. " We have no hesitation iu strongly advising the perusal of this work to our readers — old or young — grave or sad." — Chambers's London Journal, Feb. Wth, 1843. TBOM6, PRINTJSR AND STBREOTTPER, WARWICK SQUARE. X