™..£r:-£h vt^.i"-. fyxull WLumxmty |f itog THE GIFT OF ..1b.A,.a. Thomas Crop. — Constable of the Borough and an aspi- rant to the Sheriffalty. William Goodlack. — Merchant Tailor and seller of ready-made clothes. Maonqs Morehead. — Shoemaker, and looking to be made clerk to the Marshal in place of Wash- ington Cutbush. Simpson Travers. — Keeper of the Refectory at the lower end of the Canal Basin, and expecting to have the exclusive supply of liquors to the Re- cruiting Station. Sandy Buttercrop. — Express rider, message carrier, baggage porter, and of sundry other accidental occupations — promised the place of Corney Dust, Marshal's porter. Flan Stoker. — A distinguished loafer, a great admirer of Theodore Fog, and a regular attendant on public meetings. Ben Inky, ") Jeff D rinker, I Friends andfollowers of Flan Sucker. MoreM'Nulty,J ft INTERLOCUTORS, ACTOBS, ETC. xxiii Ferox Tigeetail. — Marshal of the district, resident in Bick- erbray, an old Federalist, but reformed into a New- Light Democrat: choleric, and difficult to keep in harness. "Washington Cutbush. — His clerk, suspected of having an opinion of his own in politics. Cornet Dust. — His porter, charged with being lukewarm, and attending to nothing but his office. Virgil Philpot. — Editor of The Bickerbray Scrutinize^ and an out-and-out friend of the Hon. Middleton Flam. Abram Schoolcraft. — Nurseryman in Bickerbray, member of the Legislature. Cdrtius Short. — Cheap store-keeper in Tumbledown, mem- ber of the Legislature. Cale Goodfellow. — Sportsman, Farobanker, etc., of Tumble- down, and entirely devoted to Theodore Fog. WHIGS. Michael Grant. — Formerly a tanner, occupying the land on which Quodlibet was built. Having amassed an inde- pendence, he has retired to his farm at the foot of the Hogback, where he lives, surrounded by his four sons. Andrew Grant. — His youngest son, educated to the engineer service, but preferring to be at home, married the daughter of Stephen P. Crabstock, and lives near the Hogback. Abel Brawn. — A substantial blacksmith, but unfortunately in- fected with Whig principles — a matter of great regret to his friends among the New Lights. Davy Post. — Wheelwright. Geoffrt Wheeler. — Teamster. Peter Ocnce. — Keeper of the Boatmen's Hotel, on the Canal. Stephen P. Crabstock. — Iron master, and proprietor of the Hogback Furnace — a man who in spite of his adherence to the dangerous doctrines of the Whigs, has arisen from poverty to wealth by his own exertions. Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson. — Editor of The Tho- rough Blue Whole Team — a paper characterized by its mendacity, its ferocity, and utter disregard of the feel- ings of the purest New Lights in the nation. A bitter enemy of the Hon. Middleton Flam, and having the audacity to speak lightly of the President of the United States. John Smith. — A gentleman generally known throughout the Union, and several times run for Congress. XXIV INTERLOCUTORS, ACTORS, ETC. OF DOUBTFUL POLITICS. Jesse Ferret. — Inn-keeper and proprietor of The Hero — a cau- tious man, and somewhat afraid of his wife. Sam Hardesty. — Carpenter, so much under the weather as to have had no time to make up his mind, notwithstanding Mr. Flam's generosity toward him. Quipes. — House and sign, plain and ornamental painter, glazier, and artist in the portrait and landscape line. Nicholas Hardup. — Cattle dealer, a borrower of money from Mr. Flam, and, strange to tell, not yet satisfactorily set- tled in his opinions. Isaiah Crape. — Undertaker and conductor of funerals — Cabinet and furnishing store-keeper. Sergeant Trap. — On the recruiting service at Quodlibet. His Drummer.— A short and ferocious martialist. Charley Moggs — Boss loafer of Bickerbray, and promoted in the army as Sergeant Trap's fifer. WOMEN. Mrs. Middleton Flam. — Lady of our member, and mother of a large family. Miss Janet Flam. — Sister of Mr. Middleton. Mademoiselle Jonquille. — French Governess to the Misses Flam. Polly Ferret. — Commander-in-chief of all the forces of The Hero. Susan Barndollar. — Her daughter, wife of Barndollar & Hard- bottle, and remarkable for having her own opinion. Mrs. Younghusband. — The Postmaster's lady. Mrs. Snuffers. — Lady of the Superintendent of the Hay Scales, a woman of great consideration in the Borough. Hester Hardbottle. — Maiden sister to Anthony Hardbottle. Mrs. Handy. — Lady of the Cashier, and leader of the fashion in Quodlibet. Henrietta Handy. — Her daughter — supposed to have been favorably impressed by Mr. Agamemnon Flag. Mrs. Trotter. — Mrs. Handy's housekeeper. Servants, etc. — Sam, the waiter; William, the footman; Nace, the coachman ; and Sarah, the maid, in Mr. Handy's ser- vice. Black Isaac, Kent bugle player; Yellow Josh, clarionet — Cicero, Neal Hopper's factotum. Billy Spike, Abel Brawn's fly-flapper, etc. etc. QUODLIBET. CHAPTER I. ANTIQUITIES OF QUODLIBET — MICHAEL GRANT'S TANYAED DESTEOTED BY THE CANAL — CONSEQUENCES OF THIS EVENT — TWO DISTIN- GUISHED INDIVIDUALS TAKE UP THEIB RESIDENCE IN THE BO- BOUGH — ESTABLISHMENT OF THE PATRIOTIC COPPERPLATE BANK CIBCUMSTANCES WHICH LED TO AND FOLLOWED THAT MEASURE — . MICHAEL GRANT'S OBJECTIONS TO IT. It was at the close of the year 1833, or rather, I should say, at the opening of the following spring, that our Borough of Quodlibet took that sudden leap to greatness which has, of late, caused it to he so much talked about. Our folks are accustomed to set this down to the Removal of the Deposits. Indeed, until that famous event, Quodlibet was, as one might say in common parlance, a place not worth talking about — it might hardly be remarked upon the maps. But since that date, verily, like Jeshurun, it has waxed fat. It has thus come to pass that "The Removal" is a great epoch in our annals — our Hegira — the A. U. C. of all Quodlibetarians. Michael Grant, a long time ago — that is to say, full twenty years — had a tanyard on Rumblebottom Creek, occupying the very ground which is now covered by the canal basin. Even as far back as -that day he had laid up, out of the earnings of his trade, a snug 3 (25) 26 QUODLIBET. sum of money, which sufficed to purchase the farm •where he now lives at the foot of the Hogback. Quod- libet, or that which now is Quodlibet, was then as nothing. Michael's dwelling house and tanyard, Abel Brawn's blacksmith-shop, Christy M'Curdy's mill, and my school-house, made up the sum-total of the settle- ment. It is now ten years, or hard on to it, since the commissioners came this way and put the cap-sheaf on Michael's worldly fortune by ruining his tanyard and breaking up his business, whereof the damage was so taken to heart by the jury that, in their rage against internal improvements, they brought in a verdict which doubled Mr. Grant's estate in ready money, besides leaving him two acres of town lots bordering on the basin, and which, they say, are worth more to-day than the whole tanyard with its appurtenances ever was worth in its best time. This verdict wrought a strange appetite in our county, among the landholders, to be ruined in the same way ; and I truly believe it was a chief cause of the unpopularity of internal improve- ments in this neighborhood, that the commissioners were only able to destroy the farms on the lowlands — which fact, it was said, brought down the price of the uplands on the whole line of the canal, besides creating a great deal of ill humor among all who were out of the way of being damaged. With the money which this verdict brought him, Mr. Grant improved a part of his two acres — which he was persuaded to cut up into town lots — by building the brick tavern, and the store that stands next door to it. These were the first buildings of any note in Quodlibet, and are generally supposed to have given rise to the QUODLIBET. 27 incorporation of the Borough by the Legislature. Jesse Ferret took a lease of the tavern as soon as it was finished, and set up the sign of "The Hero" — meaning thereby General Jackson — which, by-the-by, was the first piece of historical painting that the celebrated Quipes ever attempted. The store was rented by Frederick Barndollar for his son Jacob, who was just then going to marry Ferret's daughter Susan, and open in the Iron and Flour Forwarding and Commission line, in company with Anthony Hardbottle, his own brother-in-law. This was the state of things in Quodlibet five years before "The Removal," from which period, up to the date of the Removal, although Barndollar & Hard- bottle did a tolerable business, and Ferret had a fair run of custom, there were not above a dozen new tenements built in the Borough. But a bright destiny was yet in reserve for Quodlibet; and as I propose to unfold some incidents of its history belonging to these later times, I cannot pretermit the opportunity now afforded me to glance, though in a perfunctory and hasty fashion, at some striking events which seemed to presignify and illustrate its marvelously sudden growth. I think it was in the very month of the Removal of the Deposits, that Theodore Fog broke up at Tumble- down, on the other side of the Hogback, and came over to Quodlibet to practice law. And it was looked upon as a very notable thing, that, in the course of the following winter, Nicodemus Handy should have also quitted Tumbledown and brought his sign, as a lottery agent, to Quodlibet, and set up that business in our 28 QUODLIBET. Borough. There was a wonderful intimacy struck up between him and Fog, and a good many visits were made by Nicodemus during the fall, before he came over to settle. Our people marveled at this matter, and were not a little puzzled to make out the meaning of it, knowing that Nicodemus Handy was a shrewd man, and not likely, without some good reason for it, to strike up a friendship with a person so little given to business as Theodore Fog, against whom I desire to say nothing, holding his abilities in great respect, but meaning only to infer that as Theodore is considered high-flown in his speech, and rather too fond of living about Ferret's bar-room, it was thought strange that Nicodemus, who is plain spoken, and of the Temper- ance principle, should have taken up with him. It was not long after Mr. Handy had seated himself in Quodlibet, and placed his sign at the door of a small weather-boarded office, ten feet by twelve, and within a stone-throw of Fog's, before the public were favored with an insight into the cause of this intimacy between these two friends. This was disclosed in a plan for establishing The Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quod- libet, the particulars whereof were made known at a meeting held in the dining-room of " The Hero" one evening in March, when Theodore Fog made a flowery speech on the subject to ten persons, counting Ferret and Nim Porter the bar-keeper. The capital of the bank was proposed to be half a million, and the stock one hundred dollars a share, of which one dollar was to be paid in, and the remainder to be secured by pro- missory notes, payable on demand, if convenient. This excellent scheme found many supporters ; and, QUODLIBET. 29 accordingly, when the time came for action, the whole amount was subscribed by Handy and Fog and ten of their particular friends, who had an eye to being directors and officers of the bank — to whom might also be added about thirty boatmen, who, together with the boys of my academy, lent their names to Mr. Handy. Through the liberality of Fog, the necessary cash was supplied out of three hundred dollars, the remains of a trust fund in his hands belonging to a family of orphans in the neighborhood of Tumbledown, who had not yet had occasion to know from their at- torney, the said Theodore Fog himself, of their suc- cess in a cause relating to this fund which had been gained some months before. As Nicodemus managed the subscriptions, which indeed he did with wonderful skill, these three hundred dollars went a great way in making up the payments on considerably more than the majority of the stock : and this being adjusted, he undertook a visit to the Legislature, where, through the disinterested exertions of some staunch Democratic friends, he procured a most unexceptionable charter for the bank, full of all sorts of provisions, conditions, and clauses necessary to enable it to accommodate the public with as much paper money as the said public could possibly desire. In consideration of these great services, Nicodemus Handy elected himself Cashier; and, at the same time, had well-nigh fallen into a quarrel with Fog, who had set his heart upon being President — which, in view of the fact that that gentleman's habits were somewhat irregular after twelve o'clock in the day, Nicodemus 30 QUODLIBET. would by no means consent to. This dissension, how- ever, was seemingly healed, by bringing in as President my worshipful pupil, the Hon. Middleton Flam, now our member of Congress, and by making Theodore one of the directors, besides giving him the law busi- ness of the bank. It was always thought, notwith- standing Fog pretended to be satisfied at the time with this arrangement, that it rankled in his bosom, and bred a jealousy between him and his associates in the bank, and helped to drive him to drinking faster than he would naturally have done, if his feelings had not been aggravated by this act of supposed ingratitude. I should not omit to mention that Nicodemus Handy was a man of exact and scrupulous circumspection, and noted for the deliberation with which he weighed the consequences of his actions, or, as the common saying is, "looked before he leapt" — a remarkable proof of which kind of wisdom he afforded at this time. Having been compelled by circumstances to live beyond the avails of his lottery business, and thereby to bring himself under some impracticable liabilities, he made it a point of conscience, before he could permit himself to be clothed with the dignity of a cashier, or even to place a share of stock in his own name on the books, to swear out in open court, and to surrender, for the benefit of his numerous and patient creditors, his whole stock of worldly goods — consisting, according to the inventory thereof on record, which I have seen, of a cylindrical sheet-iron stove, two chairs, a desk and a sign-board, this latter being, as I remember, of the shape of a screen, on each leaf of which " Nicodemus Handy" was printed, together with the scheme of a QUODLIBET. SI lottery, set forth in large red and blue letters. He barely retained what the law allowed him, being his mere wearing apparel ; to wit, a bran new suit of black superfine Saxony, one dozen of the best cambric linen shirts, as many lawn pocket handkerchiefs, white kid gloves, and such other trivial but gentlemanlike appur- tenances as denoted that extreme neatness of dress in which Mr. Handy has ever taken a just pride, and which has been so often remarked by his friends as one of the strong points in his character. These articles, it was said, he had procured not more with a provident eye to that state of destitution into which the generous surrender of his property was about to plunge him, than with a decent regard to the respectability of appear- ance which the public, he conceived, had a right to exact from the Cashier of the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet. All right-minded persons will naturally commend this prudence, and applaud Mr. Handy's sense of the dignity proper to so important and elevated a station — a station which Theodore Fog, in his speech at "The Hero," so appropriately eulo- gized as one "of financial, fiscal, and monetary re- sponsibility." There was one circumstance connected with the history of the establishment of the bank that excited great observation among our folks : that was the dislike Michael Grant took up against it from its very begin- ning. It was an indiscriminate, unmitigable, dogged dislike to the whole concern, which, by degrees, brought him into a bad opinion of our Borough, and I verily believe was the cause why, from that time forward, he kept himself so much at his farm near the Hogback, 32 QUODLIBET. and grew to be, as if it were out of mere opposition, so unhappily, and indeed I may say, so perversely stubborn in those iniquitous Whig sentiments which he was in the habit of uttering. I have heard him say that he thought as badly as a man could think, of the grounds for starting the bank, and still worse of the men who started it, — which, certainly, was a very rash expression, considering that our congressman, the Hon. Middleton Flam, was President and one of the first patrons of the institution, and that such a man as Nicodemus Handy was Cashier; to say nothing of Theodore Fog, whose habits, we are willing to confess, might, in the estimation of some men, give some little color to my worthy friend's vituperation. Now, there was no man in Quodlibet whom Handy and Fog so much desired, or strove so hard, to bring into the bank scheme as Mr. Grant. They made every sort of effort and used all kinds of arguments to entice him. Nicodemus Handy on One occasion, I think it was in April, put the matter to him in such strong points of view, that I have often marveled since how the good gentleman stood it. He argued, with amazing cogency, that General Jackson had removed the de- posits for the express purpose of destroying the Bank of the United States, and giving the State banks a fair field: that the Old Hero was an enthusiastic friend to State rights, and especially to State banks, which it was the desire of his heart to see increased and multi- plied all over the country; that he was actually, as it were, making pets out of these banks, and was deter- mined to feed them up with the public moneys and give them such a credit in the land as would forever QUODLIBET. 33 shut out all hope to the friends of a National Bank to succeed with their purpose : and, finally, that although Clay and the Whigs were endeavoring to resist the General in his determination to establish new banks in the States, that resistance was already considered hope- less. It was with a visible air of triumph that Mr. Handy, in confirmation of this opinion, read from the Globe of the 21st of December previous these words : — " The intelligent people of the West know how to maintain their rights and independence, and to repel oppression. Although foiled in the beginning, every Western State is about to establish a State bank institu- tion. They are resolved to avail themselves of their own State credit, as well as of the National credit, to maintain a currency independent of foreign control. Mr. Clay's presses in Kentucky begin now to feel how vain are all their efforts to resist the determination of the people of the West. Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Mis- souri, and Kentucky are resolved to take care of them- selves, and no longer depend on the kind guardianship' of Biddle, Clay & Co." Having laid this fact before Mr. Grant, by way of clinching the argument Mr. Handy pulled out of his' pocket a letter which he had just received from the Secretary of the Treasury. It contained a communi- cation of the deepest import to the future fortunes of our Borough; which communication, as I have been favored by Mr. Handy with a copy, I feel happy to transcribe here for the edification of my reader. It is a circular, and came to our cashier printed on gilt- 34 QUODLIBET. edged letter-paper, having the title of the hank, the date, and some other items filled up in writing. " Treasury Department, April 1, 1834. "Sir: — The Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quod- libet has been selected by this Department as the depository of the public money collected in Quodlibet and its vicinity; and the Marshal will hand you the form of a contract proposed to be executed, with a copy of his instructions from this Department. In selecting your institution as one of the fiscal agents of the government, I not only rely on its solidity and established character, as affording a sufficient guarantee for the safety of the public money intrusted to its keeping, but I confide also in its disposition to adopt the most liberal course which circumstances will admit toward other moneyed institutions generally, and par- ticularly those in your vicinity. The deposits of the public money will enable you to afford increased facili- ties to commerce, and to extend your accommodations to individuals ; and as the duties which are payable to the government arise from the business and enterprise of the merchants engaged in foreign trade, it is but reasonable that they should be preferred in the addi- tional accommodations which the public deposits will enable your institution to give, whenever it can be done without injustice to the claims of other classes of the community. "lam, etc., R.B.TANEY, "Secretary of the Treasury. "To the President of the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet" QUODLIBET. 35 "There, sir," said Mr. Handy, after he had read this paper to Mr. Grant — "read that over again and tell me if there is any Quodlibetarian that ought not to rejoice in this great event, and lend his endeavors, with both heart and soul, to promote and sustain an in- stitution so favored by the government. The Secretary, you perceive, has confidence in the ' solidity and estab- lished character' of our bank — how can you refuse your confidence after that ? Sir, the Secretary is an honor to the Democracy of Quodlibet: — what does he say? Does he tell us to keep the public moneys locked up only for the selfish purposes of the govern- ment? Oh no: far from it; 'the deposits' says he, 'will enable you to afford increased facilities to com- merce, and to extend your accommodations to indi- viduals.' Mark that ! there's a President and Secre- tary for you ! True friends, Mr. Grant — true friends to the people. How careful are they of our great mercantile and trading classes ! Sir, the government cannot do too much for such people as we are — that's the true Democratic motto — we expect a great deal — but they outrun our expectations. No more low prices for grain, Mr. Grant — no more scarcity of money: — accommodation is the word — better currency is the word; — high prices, good wages and plenty of work is the word now-a-days. We shall have a city here before you can cleverly turn yourself round. Depend upon it, sir, we are destined to become a great, glorious, and immortal people." " Sir," said Theodore Fog, interposing at this mo- ment, with a look that wore a compound expression of thoughtful sternness and poetical frenzy — "when the 36 QUODLIBET. historic muse shall hereafter contemplate the humble origin of Quodlibet " "Fog," interrupted Nicodemus, somewhat petulantly — and I feel sorry to be obliged to record this incon- siderate language^-" Blame the historic muse ! — we are now on business." "As a director, sir," replied Fog, with a subdued air, but with a dignified gravity, "I have a right to speak. I meant to say, sir, in plain phrase, that Quodlibet must inevitably, from this day forth, under the proud auspices of democratic principles — obedient to that native impulse which the profound statesman- ship of this people-sustaining and people-sustained administration has imparted to it, soar aloft to place herself upon the proud pinnacle of commercial pros- perity, wealth, and power. I have no doubt, Mr. Grant, your tavern lot will increase to three times its present value. You ought to take stock ; — let me tell you, sir, as a citizen of Quodlibet, you ought. As to the cash, that's a bagatelle. Handy and I can let you have any number of shares on your own terms. Flam will dp anything we say to let you in. By-the.-by, he got us the deposits. Flam's a man of influence — but whether on the whole he will make us the best Presi- dent we could have procured, is perhaps somewhat apocryphal." "You cannot fail to see," said Mr. Handy, "that we must all make our fortunes, if the government is only true to its word ; and who can doubt it will be true ? We start comparatively with nothing, I may say, speaking of myself-^absolutely with nothing. ■ We shall make a large issue of paper, predicated upon the QUODLIBET. 37 deposits; we shall accommodate everybody, as the Secretary desires — of course, not forgetting our friends, and more particularly ourselves : — we shall pay, in this way, our stock purchases. You may run up a square of warehouses on the Basin ; I will join you as a part- ner in the transaction, give you the plan of operations, furnish architectural models, supply the funds, et cetera, et cetera. We will sell out the buildings at a hundred per cent, advance before they are finished; Fog here will be the purchaser. We have then only to advertise in the papers this extraordinary rise of property in Quodlibet — procure a map to be made of our new city; get it lithographed, and immediately sell the lots on the Exchange of New York at a most unprecedented valuation. My dear sir, I have just bought a hundred- acres of land adjoining the Borough, with an eye to this very speculation. You shall have an interest of one-half in this operation at a reasonable valuation — I shall want but a small profit, say two hundred per cent. — a mere trifle — in consideration of my labors in lay- ing it off into streets, lanes, and alleys ; — and if there is any convenience in it to you-^although I know you are a moneyed man — you have only to make a proposal for a slice of accommodation — just drop a note now and then into the discount box. You understand. The Secretary will be delighted, my dear sir, to hear of our giving an accommodation to you. But there's one thing, Mr. Grant, I must not forget to remark — the Secretary, in factj makes it a sort of sine qua non-^- you must come out a genuine— declare yourself a Whole Hog— and go for Flam in the fall elections. The Secretary expects ■, you know," and as he said 4 38 QUODLIBET. this he laid his finger significantly upon his nose, "that the accommodation principle — is to be measur- ably — extended — in proportion to the — Democracy — of the applicants. You understand? — a word to the wise — that's all. It couldn't be expected, you per- ceive, that we, holding the deposits, should be quite as favorable to the Whigs, who rather charge us with ex- perimenting on the currency — you know — and who, in fact, don't scruple to say that our banking system will be a failure — it couldn't be expected we should be as bountiful to them as to those who go with us in build- ing up this concatenation — tweedle dum and tweedle dee, you know, betwixt you and me; — but it's made a point of — and has its effect on ulterior expectations — you understand. The long and the short is, without being mealy-mouthed, we must prefer the old Hero's friends; — but, after all, that's a small matter: — be a Democrat, and go for Flam !" "Flam and the immutable principles of civil liberty !" said Fog, with great animation. "Middleton Flam, the embodiment and personification of those deep and pro- found truths, based upon the eternal distinctions of the greatest good to the greatest number ! Diffusive wealth, combined capital, increased facilities to commerce, and accommodation to individuals — there is the multum in parvo of General Jackson's Democratic creed ! — there is the glorious consummation of the war with the great money power, which, like Juggernaut, was crushing down the liberties of our Republic!" Michael Grant was a patient listener, and a man of few words. He stood all the time that Fog and Handy were plying him with this discourse, with his thumbs QUODLIBET. 39 in his waistcoat pockets, looking down, with a grum cogitation, at his own image in the water of the basin, on the margin of which the parties had met, and every now and then rocking on his heels and flapping the soles of his feet sharply on the ground, denoting, by this movement, to those who knew his habit, that he was growing more and more positive in his opinion. Once or twice he was observed to raise his head, and with one eye half shut, seemed as if studying the heavens. At length he broke out with an answer which, from the vehemence of his tone, caused Handy and Fog to prick up their ears, and gaze upon each other with a look of incredulous surprise. "Your bank, gentlemen," said he, "is a humbug. Your speculation in lots, your accommodations and the fortunes you are going to make, are humbugs. Flam and the immutable principles of civil liberty are hum- bugs, and the greatest humbug of all is your Democ- racy." With these very rash and inconsiderate words, Mr. Grant turned on his heel and walked away, leaving Handy and Fog looking significantly at each other. From that time Mr. Grant was generally considered an enemy to our bank, and, as far as I can learn, never had any dealings with it. Mr. Handy set up a dry laugh as soon as Mr. Grant was out of sight, and laughed on for some moments. At last he said, somewhat mysteriously, and with a great deal of deliberation— "Fog, it's my opinion that the old tanner has cut his eye teeth — what do you think of him ?" "He labors," replied Fog, "under a sinistrous and 40 QUODLIBET. defective obliquity of comprehension; and from all I can make out of this colloquy, I rather incline to the opinion that he is not very willing to embark largely in our stock." And saying this, Fog folded his arms and looked steadfastly in Mr. Handy's face. "Nor, as I should judge," said Handy in a kind of whisper, "is he likely to join me in my speculation in town lots. Fog, don't forget, you will indorse my note for the purchase-money of that hundred acres — I shall discount it to-morrow — I like to pay cash — that was always my principle." "Undoubtedly — consider me a sure card in that line," replied Fog: — "it is understood, of course, that you reciprocate the favor on my purchase of the ■meadow?" "Without question — assuredly, Fog — one good turn deserves another." "Then, let's go up and take a drink," said Fog, imitating the tone of a tragedy-player — "we'll call it twelve, although my dial points but half way from eleven." "You know I never drink," quoth Handy. "Then come and look on me while I that act per- form," said Theodore. "Agreed," said Nicodemus. And thereupon these trusty friends went straight to Nim Porter's bar. QUODLIBET. 41 CHAPTER II. GBEAT USEFULNESS OF THE BANK — SURPRISING GROWTH OF QUOD- LIBET SOME ACCOUNT OF THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM ORIGIN OF HIS DEMOCRACY — HIS LOGICAL ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF THE POCKETING OF THE BILL TO REPEAL THE SPECIE CIRCULAR — THE DEMOCRATIC PRINCIPLE AS DEVELOPED IN THE REPRESENTATIVE SYSTEM. In the course of the first year after The Removal, or as I should say, in the year One — speaking after our manner in Quodlibet — the bank made itself very agreeable to everybody. Mr. Flam came home from Congress after the end of the long session, and found everything prospering beyond his most sanguine ex- pectations. Nicodemus Handy had put a new weather- boarded room to the back of his office for the use of the Directors, and the banking business was transacted in the front apartment where Nicodemus used to sell lottery tickets. There was one thing that strangers visiting Quodlibet were accustomed to remark upon in a jocular vein, regarding the bank — -and that was the sign which was placed, as it were parapet-wise, along the eaves of the roof, and being of greater longitude than the front of the building, projected considerably at either end. Quipes has been held responsible for this, but I know that he could not help it, on account of the length of the name, which, nevertheless, it is due to him to say he endeavored, very much to my 4* 42 QUODLIBET. discontent, to shorten, both by orthographical device and by abbreviation, having painted it thus — The Patrioti Coperplat 8 Bank op QuoDLi b6t; notwithstanding which, it overran the dimensions of the tenement to which it was attached. I say strangers sometimes facetiously alluded to this discrepancy, by observing that the bank was like the old Hero himself, too great for the frame that contained it. And, truly, the bank did a great business ! Mr. Handy, who is acknowledged to be a man of taste, procured one of the handsomest plates, it is supposed, that Murray, Draper & Fairman ever executed, and with about six bales of pinkish silk paper, and a very superior cylin- der press, created an amount of capital which soon put to rest old Mr. Grant's grumbling about the want of solidity in the bank, and fully justified the Secretary's declaration of his confidence in its "established char- acter as affording a sufficient guarantee for the safety of the public money intrusted to its keeping." As a proof how admirably matters were conducted by Mr. Handy, the Directors soon found no other rea- son to attend at the Board than now and then to hold a chat upon politics and smoke a cigar ; and the Presi- dent, the Hon. Middleton Flam, having his October election on hand, was so thoroughly convinced of Nicodemus's ability, that I do not believe he went into the bank more than half a dozen times during the whole season. It was in the course of this year, and pretty soon after the bank got the deposits, that Mr. Handy began his row of four story brick warehouses on the Basin, QUODLIBET. 43 which now goes by the name of Nicodemus Row. He also laid the foundation of his mansion on the hill, fronting upon Handy Place ; and which edifice he sub- sequently finished, so much to the adornment of our Borough, with a Grecian portico in front, and an Italian veranda looking toward the garden. As his improvements advanced in this and the next year, he successively reared a Temple of Minerva on the top of the ice-house, a statue of Apollo in the center of the carriage-circle, a sun-dial on a marble pillar where the garden walks intersect, and a gilded dragon weather- Qock on the cupola of the stables. The new banking house was commenced early in the summer, and has been finished of very beautiful granite, being in its front, if I am rightly informed by Mr. Handy, an exact miniature copy of the Tomb of Osymandias: it is situated on Flam Street, the first after you leave the Basin, going northward. All the Directors, except Fog, followed the footsteps of their illustrious prede- cessor, Mr. Handy, and went to work to build them- selves villas on the elevated ground back of the Borough, now known by the name of Copperplate Ridge, — which villas were duly completed in all manner of Greek, Roman, and Tuscan fashions. These being likewise imitated, in turn, by many friends of the bank who migrated hither from all parts and cast their lines in our Borough, Quodlibet hath thereby, very suddenly, grown to be, in a figurative sense, a pattern card of the daintiest structures of the four quarters of the world. Perhaps I may be too fast in making so broad an assertion — cupio non putari mendacem — I am not quite sure that, as yet, we have any well ascertained 44 QtJODLIBET. specimen of the Asiatic : but if Nicodemus Handy's pagoda, which he talked of building on the knoll in the center of his training course, had not been inter- rupted by an untoward event, of which it may become my duty to speak hereafter, I should, in that case, have made no difficulty in reiterating, with a clear con- science and without reservation, the remark which dis- trustfully and with claim of allowance I have ventured above. My valuable patron not being resident actually within the Borough, and being, as I have said, very busy in the matter of his election during the greater part of the first year of the bank, had not much op- portunity to devote himself to its concerns. But the Directors, partly aware of their own knowledge, how valuable was his influence with the Secretary, and partly persuaded thereof by the Cashier, established, with a liberality which Mr. Handy remarked at the time was exceedingly gentlemanlike, his salary as President at three thousand dollars a year — which sum, Mr. Flam himself has, more than once in my hearing, averred upon his honor, he did not consider one cent too much. And indeed, I feel myself bound to express my concurrence in this opinion, when I reflect upon the weight of his character, the antiquity of his family, the preponderance of his strong Demo- cratic sentiments, and the expenses to which, as Presi- dent, he was exposed in looking after the interests of the bank — more especially in the journeys to Wash- ington, whereof I have heard him speak, for the pur- pose of explaining matters to the Secretary. Connected with this matter of salary, and as having QUODLIBET. 45 a natural propinquity to the subject, I may here cur- sorily, for I design to be more particular on this point hereafter, claim the privilege to enter a little into the family matters of my patron. And on this head, I would observe that the household of Mr. Flam is large., Of a truth, as some philosopher has remarked, mouths. are not fed, nor bodies clad, without considerable of the ■wherewithal ! There is Mrs. Flam, the venerated consort of our representative — a lady most honorably conducive to the multiplication of the strength and glory of this land; there is, likewise, Mr. Flam's sister Janet — truly an honor- to her sex for instructive dis- course and exemplary life ; and there is Master Mid- dleton, Junior, with his four sisters and three brothers, who may be all ranged into the semblance of a stepr ladder. Great is Mr. Flam's parental tenderness toward this happy progeny — the reduplication and retriplication, if I may so express it, of himself and their respectable mamma. Yielding to the solicitude inspired by this tenderness, almost the first thing which our representative did, after the establishment of the bank — the means having thereby come the better to his hand — was to send Master Middleton, Junior, who was very urgent in his entreaties to that point, to Europe, that the young gentleman, by two or three years travel, might witness the distresses and oppressions of monarchical government, and become confirmed in his democratic sentiments. A refinement of sensibility in Mr. Flam, which I might almost de- nominate fastidious, has also operated with him to require the education of his daughters to be conducted under his own roof. He would never hear, for one 46 QUODLIBET. moment, any persuasion to trust them, even at their earliest age, in the public school — considerately fearful lest they might form intimacies unbecoming the station to which he destined them in after-life. They have consequently been placed under the special tuition of a most estimable lady, Mademoiselle Jonquille, a resident governess, who is enjoined to speak to them nothing but French. This lady, among other things, teaches them music, and is aided in the arduous duties allotted to her by a drawing-master of acknowledged ability in water-colors, and a very superior professor of dancing, who instructs them in the elegant accomplishment of waltzing and galloping, which, Mr. Flam says, is now- a-days held to be indispensable in the first Democratic circles at Washington, where it has always been his design to introduce the young ladies into high life. It will not be out of place here to mention that the worthy subject of this desultory memoir, my patron and former pupil, inherited a large fortune from his father, the late Judge Flam, who was especially honored by old John Adams, or, as the better phrase is, the elder Adams, with an appointment to the bench on the night of the third of March, Anno Domini 1801 ; and I have often heard Mr. Middleton say that his father had, up to the day of his lamented departure from this world, which melancholy event happened in the year of our Lord 1825, the greatest respect for General Jackson ; which liking for the Old Hero descended to his son, along with the family estate, and serves satis- factorily to account for my former pupil's ardent attachment to Democratic principles, as in the sequel I shall make appear. QUODLIBET. 47 I do not desire to conceal the fact that Judge Flam, and even Mr. Middleton himself, for some years after he came to man's estate, were both reputed to belong to what was generally, at that time, denominated and known by the appellation of the Old Federal party, and what, in common parlance, has been sometimes scoffingly termed The Black Cockade; and that the Judge, who was always noted for being very stiff in his opinions, maintained his connection nominally with that party until the day of his death. I mention this not in derogation of Mr. Middleton our representative, but rather in the way of commendation, because I am by this fact the more strongly confirmed in my admira- tion of the greatness of his character — seeing that his conversion to Democracy is the pure result of reflection and conviction, which is more laudable, in my humble thinking, than to be "a born veteran Democrat," as I once heard a great man boast himself. Now this conversion being a notable matter, I can by no means pretermit a veritable account of it, which happens to be fully within my power to disclose, I being, as I may say, a witness to the whole course of it. Everybody remembers that most signal of all the literary productions of General Jackson's various and illustrious pen, his letter to Mr. Monroe, dated the 12th of November, Anno Domini 1816. It came — in the language of my venerated friend, Judge Flam — like the sound of a trumpet upon the ears of all of the Old Federalists. "Now is the time," says General Jack- son, in that immortal letter, which I transcribed, as soon as I saw it in print, into my book of memorable things, and which I now quote verbatim et literatim : — 48 QUODLIBBT. "Now is the time to exterminate that monster called Party Spirit. By selecting characters most conspicuous for their probity, virtue, capacity, and firmness, without any regard to party, you will go far to, if not entirely, eradicate those feelings which, on former occasions, threw so many obstacles in the way, and perhaps have the pleasure and honor of uniting a people heretofore politically divided. The Chief Magistrate of a great and powerful nation should never indulge in party feelings. His conduct should be liberal and disinterested, always bearing in mind that he acts for the whole, and not a part of the com- munity. " This letter of the last of the Romans was published in the National Intelligencer, and I happened to be with Judge Flam when it first met his eye. He was sipping his tea. The venerable Judge read it twice; took up the cup, and, in a musing, thoughtful mood, burnt his mouth with the hot liquid so badly that he was obliged to call for cold water. — Just at that moment, Middle- ton, his son, came into the parlor: he had been out shooting partridges. "My dear Middleton," rtad that," said the Judge. Middleton sat down and read it; and then looked intently at his father, waiting to hear what he would say. "Middleton, my son," said he in a very deliberate and emphatic manner, "There's our man. General Jackson has been called a Hero — he's a Sage, a wise man, a very wise man. We have been kept in the mire too long: these Jeffersons and Madisons, and Nicholases and Randolphs, and all that Virginia Junto (I think that was the very word he used) have trodden QUODLIBET. 49 us in the dust. They, with all the Democracy at their back, have lorded it over us for sixteen years. We owe them an old grudge. But our time is coming, (this expression he repeated twice.) Remember, my son, if ever you get into a majority, stick to it. Bring up your children to it. You have a long account to settle: — I shall bequeath to you the Vengeance of the Federal party. We must rally at once upon Andrew Jackson. He will bring us what it is fashionable to call 'the people.' — We shall bring him the talent, the intelligence, and the patriotism of the land. In such an alliance how can it be otherwise but that we shall have all the power ? — and then, if we fail to play our cards with skill, we shall deserve to lose the game. Let Jackson be our candidate for the next Presidency, and let our gathering word be, in the sentiment of this memorable letter, 'The Union of the People and the extermination of the Monster of Party.' Do not slumber, my son, but give your energies to this great enterprise." Mr. Middleton took this advice of his venerable father greatly to heart. "Up with Jackson, and down with Party!" said he, after a long rumination; "good, excellent — nothing can be better!" And several times that night, before he went to bed, he audibly uttered the same words, as he walked back- ward and forward across the room. From this time Judge Flam wrote many letters to his friends, disclosing the views he had expressed to Middleton; and by degrees the matter ripened and ripened, until things were so contrived as to bring about what Judge Flam used to smile and say, was 5 50 QUODLIBET. " a spontaneous, unpremeditated burst of popular feel- ing," in the nomination of the General. And the Judge used to laugh outright, when the papers took strong ground in the General's favor, as the candidate who was brought out "without intrigue or party man- agement." The Old Hero and Sage, we all know, was cheated out of his first election; which circumstance greatly embittered his early friends, who, from that time — Mr. Middleton among the rest — took a very de- cided stand for Eeform, Retrenchment, Economy, and the Rights of the People. The Judge did not live to witness this socond effort which resulted so gloriously for the Democratic cause; but his son stuck close to the Old Hero, and was among his most ardent supporters to the last. When the General succeeded, his first care was to show his gratitude to that disinterested band of patriots who so freely surrendered their old principles and abandoned their old comrades in his behalf. He brought them into office, just to show that he was determined to carry out the doctrine of his letter; and they were loudest in their praise of him for the sake of the old grudge, of which Judge Flam spoke to his son, and to indemnify their long suffering in the cause of the country, in the course of which they had, for so many years, been strangers to power. So between these two persuasions, it is not to be wondered at that they should have become the principal friends and most confidential advisers of the General. Having thus got upon an elevation, from whence they could look backward upon their past errors, and forward to their future hopes, a new light dawned QUODLIBET. 53 upon every man of them ; and thereupon they straight- way became sick and sorry for having so long sinned against Democracy, and grew ashamed of that black cockade which George Washington wore in the Revolu- tion ; made open renunciation of their former pretended attachment to his principles ; canonized Mr. Jefferson as a saint, whom they had formerly reviled as. the chief of sinners; purged out their old Federal blood; took deep alterative draughts of detergent medicine; and, finally, like true patriots, came forth regenerated, thorough-bred whole-hog Democrats, sworn to follow the new Democratic principle through all its meander- ings, traverses, dodgings, and duckings to the end. Indeed, Mr. Middleton Flam, our honorable repre- sentative, has more than once, in some of his later speeches before the people, contended, that although his father was attached to George Washington's school of politics, which, as he remarked, naturally arose out of the prejudices created by the revolutionary war — in which the old Judge had served as a soldier — yet, that he, Middleton, never was truly an admirer of that gen- tleman's theory of government or system of measures — but, on the contrary, held them in marked disesteem, and from his earliest youth had a strong inclination toward that freedom from restraint, which, in man and boy, is the best test of the new Democratic principle. In proof of this tendency of his youthful opinions, he men- tioned, with most admirable effect, an exploit, in which, when not more than twelve years of age, he gallantly stood up at the head of a party of his school-fellows to bar out the tutor and take a holiday, on the ground of the indefeasible rights of man, with a view to attend a 52 QUODLJBET. great political meeting of the friends of Jefferson, just previous to the second election of that Apostle of De- mocracy. Be that as it may, our distinguished member of Con- gress is now, by force of reflection and conviction, as pure, unadulterated, and, as our people jocularly denote it, as patent a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat as Theodore Fog himself, whose attachment to popular principles, habits, and manners, and whose unalterable adhesion to the new Democratic theory, are written in every line of his face and in every movement of his body: — and so, Mr. Flam avers, is every one of his black-cockade friends who have got an office. "Thus it is," — if I may be allowed to quote a beautiful sentiment from one of Fog's speeches — "thus it is, that by degrees, the errors of old opinions are washed out by the all- pervading ablution of the Democratic principle follow- ing in the footsteps of the march of intellect; and so true is it, that the body politic, like quicksilver, regur- gitates and repudiates the feculence of Federalism." Nicodemus Handy has an attachment for Mr. Flam, which is truly fraternal. It goes so far as to prevent him from ever contradicting Mr. Middleton in any fact, or gainsaying him in any opinion — although I did think at one time, when Nicodemus was thought to be rich, that he was a little bold in his sentiments on two or three matters wherein our member differed from him. One I remember in particular; it was when the Old. Hero pocketed the Specie Circular Bill. Mr. Handy thought, for a little while, that the circular was too hard upon the banks and the trading people, and he seemed to insinuate that the General was rather cor- QTJODLIBET. 53 nered by Congress, when they ordered its repeal by two-thirds of both Houses; and that, consequently, as a good Democrat, he ought to have submitted to the will of the people in that matter, and allowed them to have the law after it was passed. Mr. Flam was diametrically opposed to him, and proved, I thought conclusively, that, according to the sound Quodlibeta- rian Democratic principle, the General was altogether right in putting the act of Congress aside and not allowing them to overset his plans by another vote of two-thirds. "For," he inquired with great force of argument, adopting the Socratic form, "what is Con- gress? The representatives of the people, by districts and by States. For whom can any one man in that body speak? For his own district, or for his own State — no more. Now, what is the President? Sir," said he, in that solemn and impressive tone in which he addresses the House at Washington, "the President himself has answered that question in his immortal Protest against the Senate — he is 'the direct repre- sentative of the American people,' and, as he took occasion once to say in his Message, 'It will be for those in whose behalf we all act, to decide whether the Executive Department of the Grovernment, in the steps which it has taken on this subject, has been found in the line of its duty.' The President, sir, is the rep- resentative of the whole people — not of a district, not of a State, but of the whole nation. Why should these representatives of the parts undertake to dictate to the representative of the whole? It is for the people to decide whether, in putting that bill in his pocket, he was in the line of his duty. Sir, there is the broad 5* 54 QUODLIBET. buttress upon which the Democratic principle reposes, and will repose forever. Jackson has determined, as representative of the people, that the Specie Circular shall not be repealed, and every true Democrat will of course say that he is right. I am surprised that you, Handy, should give any countenance to the factious doctrine set up by the Whigs, that Congress has a right to array itself against the clearly expressed will of the people, when uttered through the paramount representative of the whole nation." Mr. Handy was evidently confounded by this unan- swerable argument, and, of course, did not attempt to answer. I confess, for my own part, I listened with admiration and amazement at the dialectic skill with which so abstruse a subject was so briefly yet so clearly elucidated, and I inwardly ejaculated, in the language of the afflicted man of Uz, "How forcible are right words!" My late pupil's reflections were drawn to this ques- tion of the Specie Circular with more intensity of re- gard, from a very natural train of circumstances, which had great influence in inducing an elaborate study of the subject. Mr. Handy has often said that Mr. Flam was the very best customer our bank had from the beginning. Acting, as he always did, upon the principle that our first care is due to those who are nearest to us, or, according to the adage, that charity begins at home, the President of the bank refused to borrow from any other institution, but determined exclusively to patronize his own. This principle he carried to the romantic extent of borrowing four times as much as anybody else; and as he always contended QUODLIBET. 55 for it as the most approved theorem in banking, that the wider and the more remote the circulation of the paper of a bank, the better for its profit, he employed .these funds in the purchase of a large quantity of the Chickasaw Reserve lands. By these means Mr. Flam became the proprietor of a vast number of acres in that Southwest country; and as the Specie Circular was a most laudable contrivance to stop overtrading and speculating in the public lands, it occurred to our worthy representative that the less the public lands were sold, the more his would come into the market at good prices; and so, with a view to the benefit of Quodlibet, where he expected to invest the profits, he became a strong advocate of the Circular. This set him to studying the question of the pocketing of the bill for its repeal, whereof I have spoken above, and enabled him to convince himself how deeply that mat- ter was connected with the development of the Dem- ocratic principle in the manner put forth in his argu- ment to Mr. Handy. Thus does it come to pass that, step by step, as our government rolls on, its fundamental features are suc- cessively disclosed in the practical operations of that sublime system which so securely intrenches the good of the people in the doctrines of genuine Quodlibet- arian Democracy, as now of late, for the first time, fully understood and practiced. Ever after that notable discourse, Mr. Handy showed himself, both in private and at our public meetings, the stern, uncompromising champion of the Specie Circular and of the broad representative character of the President. The other questions upon which I have 56 QUODLIBET. found him to differ occasionally with Mr. Flam, shared pretty nearly the same fate as this. The Cashier ulti- mately fell into entire harmony of sentiment in all matters with the President; though, as I have insinuated, before, in the flood-tide of Mr. Handy's fortune, when he began to be accounted a man of wealth, he was, in accordance with a principle of human nature founded upon the corrupting and debasing influence of riches, much more difficult to bring into perfect conformity of opinion with Mr. Flam, than in the ebb. Yet, I would here remark that, almost in the same degree that Mr. Handy yielded his assent to the doctrines of the Hon. Middleton Flam, did the rank and file of our sturdy and independent Democracy yield to Mr. Handy ; the whole party being kept in a harmonious agreement and accord by what Fog terms "the electric diffusion of the Democratic principle through the whole circle of hand-in-hand, unflinching, unwavering, uncorruptible,, and power-frowning-down yeomanry of the most vir- tuous and enlightened nation upon the terrestrial globe." QUODLIBET. 57' CHAPTER III. FURTHER DISCOURSE RELATING TO THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM — CORRECTION IN THE ORTHOGRAPHY OF HIS FAMILY SEAT — HIS RESPECT FOR THE PEOPLE — VERY ORIGINAL VIEWS ENTERTAINED BY HIM ON THIS SUBJECT HIS LIBERALITY IN MONEY MATTERS AVERSION TO THE LAW REGARDING INTEREST DEMOCRATIC VIEW OF THAT QUESTION HIS ENCOURAGEMENT OF INDUSTRY AND THE WORKING PEOPLE INGENIOUS AND PROFOUND ILLUS- TRATION OF THE GREAT DEMOCRATIC PRINCIPLE. Holding, as I do, our Democratic leader, the Hon. Middleton Flam, in the most deservedly profound respect, and knowing him to be, if I may be allowed the expression, a bright exemplar of Democracy, and containing in himself, metaphorically speaking, the epitome of all sound opinions, I am fully authorized by the common usage regarding public characters to bring him and his affairs conspicuously into the view of the world, not for censure, neither for praise, although no man is better entitled to the latter, but for instruction. Such is the destiny of distinguished men, that their lives are common property for the teaching of their generation. Duly acknowledging the weight of this maxim, I shall venture in the present chapter to give my reader a still closer insight into the private concerns of our representative; for which task I feel myself somewhat specially qualified, through the bountiful hospitality of that excellent gentleman, who has not only welcomed me to his board often on week 58 QUODLIBET. days, and always on Sundays, but who has even flat- tered me, more than once, by the remark that he would not take umbrage at such impartial development of his life and opinions as he knew I, better than any other of his friends, (truly herein his kindness has overrated my worthiness,) had it in my power to make. The old family seat of the Flams is about two miles from Quodlibet. It is upon the Bickerbray road ; and, taking in all the grounds belonging to the domicile, the tract is somewhere about eight hundred acres; by far the greater portion of which is a flat range of wood- land and field, watered by Grasshopper Run, which falls into the Rumblebottom. The tract used to be called, in Judge Flam's time, "The Poplar Flats," and the house, at that day, went by the name of " Quality Hall:" but ever since Mr. Middleton has had it, which, as may be 'gathered from what I have imparted in the last chapter, has been from the time that the old Black Cockades began to think of turning Democrats; ever since that day the spelling has been gradually chang- ing, and the house now goes by the settled name of "Equality Hall," and the tract is always written by our people "The Popular Flats." Mr. Middleton greatly approves of this change, for two reasons which he has had occasion to take into his serious reflections — First; "Because," he says, "in the Quodlibetarian Democratic system, as now understood, words are things." "Not only things, sir," said he, in a dis- course one day, at his own table, " but important and valuable things. I have observed," he continued, "in our country, especially among the unflinching, uncom- promising Democrats, that a name is always half the QUODLIBET. 59 battle. For instance, sir, we wish to destroy the bank ; we have only to call it a Monster : we desire to put down an opposition ticket, and keep the offices among ourselves; all that we have to do is to set up a cry of Aristocracy. If we want to stop a canal, we clamor against Consolidation : if we wish it to go on, it is only to change the word — Develop the Resources. When it was thought worth our while to frighten Cal- houn with the notion that we were going to hang him, we hurraed for the Proclamation ; and after that, when we wanted to gain over his best friends to our side — State-Rights was the word. Depend upon it, gentle- men, with the true Quodlibetarian Democracy, names are things : that is the grand secret of the ' New-Light system.' " Mr. Flam's second reason for approving the change in the spelling of Poplar Flats and Quality Hall, did not depend upon such a philosophical subtlety as the first ; it was simply because he had very nigh lost his first election to Congress from inattention to this ma- terial point of orthography. Quality Hall, some of the Democrats of our region were unreasonable and headstrong enough to say, was not so Democratic a name as their candidate ought to have for his place of residence ; and if it had not been that our representa- tive discovered this in time to convince them that it was an old-fashioned way of spelling Equality Hall, I believe, in my conscience, he would have made out very badly: but luckily for this district, and I may say, for the nation, this error in spelling was corrected in time to set all straight; and Mr. Flam, from that day, not only put the E before the Q, but, in token of 60 QUODLIBET. that incident, and by way of a remembrancer, always spoke of Equality Hall as built upon Popular Flats, which sounded very well in the ears of the New Lights, and no doubt went a great way to keep him in Congress ever after. Therefore I repeat, after my patron and friend, words are things; — and, democratically speak- ing, in the sense of a New Light, I might even say better than things. Equality Hall is a building which looks larger than it is, from the circumstance that it was originally a one-storied, irregular cottage of brick, but in the Judge's time a second story was put to it ; and, almost immediately after Mr. Middleton came to be the owner, he enlarged the eastern gable by widening it to nearly forty feet, and building it up considerably above the roof, and then adding to it a grand Grecian Temple porch with niches for statues, and with fluted Doric columns of wood, which thus constituted what Mr. Middleton calls his facade and principal front to the building. The effect of this piece of magnificence was to screen the old cottage from view, and to impress the beholder with the idea of a grand building peeping out upon the Bickerbray road between the foliage of two weeping willows, which the old Judge put there before Mr. Jefferson's election. I have heard some fastidious, not to say malevolent critics, find fault with this new addition to the building, upon the score that it had too much pretense about it ; and that one was always disappointed upon finding all this grandeur of outside to be but a mere piece of theat- rical show, without having anything to correspond to it within. Mr. Flam has heard the same objection, but QUODLIBET. 61 he has always treated it with the contempt it deserved. "It was intended for show," he observed one day ad- dressing the people from the hustings, when he had occasion to notice a remark of one of these caviling gentlemen, who had said something about having walked behind the portico to find the house — and I shall never forget how his eye kindled and his form dilated as he spoke — "Show, sir! Of course, it was put there for show. What else could it be put for? What is any portico put up for ? It faces toward the road, sir — it was designed to face toward the road. When I built that portico, I wished the people, sir, to see it; the best I have shall always be shown to the people. I trust, sir, that my respect for the people shall never so far abate, as to induce me to neglect them. My house, sir, intrinsically is that of an humble citizen; there are a dozen equal to it in this county ; but that part of it which is intended to gratify the people is unsurpassed here or anywhere else. I have laid out, sir, a small fortune on that portico to gratify the people: all that I have comes from them — all that I ever expect to be, I hope to derive from them : who has so good a right as they to require me to put my best foot foremost, when they are the spectators? On the same principle, sir, when I appear in public, I dress in the most ex- pensive attire, I drive the best horses, and procure the finest coach. My turnout is altogether elaborate, studiously particular — simply because I hold the people in too much esteem, to shab them off with anything of a secondary quality, while Providence has blessed me with the means of providing them the best. That, sir, is what I call a keystone principle in the arch of Demo^- 6 62 QTJODLIBET. cratic government: that is the sentiment, and that alone, which is to give perpetuity to this " "Fair fabric of freedom," said Theodore Fog, who was among the auditory, and perceived that Mr. Flam hesitated for a word to convey his idea. " Thank you, my friend," courteously replied Mr. Flam, "I am indebted to you for the word — fair fabric of freedom." Coming back from this digression, which I have the rather indulged because of the eloquence, as well as the just Democratic sentiment it breathes, I proceed with my sketch of the homestead of our distinguished leader of the politics of Quodlibet. If I were asked what constituted the most striking feature in the arrangements of this very admirable establishment, I should say it was the judicious admix- ture of a laudable economy, with the greatest possible effect in the way of outward exhibition. For instance, the grounds were embellished with sundry structures, apparently at great cost, and producing a most satis- factory impression on the eye, but which, when examined, would be found to be, for the most part, painted imita- tions of a very cheap kind. Thus there was to be seen from the portico, peering above a thicket on the Grass- hopper Kun, an old castle with ivy-crowned battlements, greatly enriching the view; at the end of the long walk in the garden, a magnificent obelisk rose forty feet above a bed of asparagus; the entrance to the stable-yard was through the Gothic archway of an old chapel, exceeding pleasant to behold ; and the ice pond was guarded by a palisade composed of muskets, lances, swords, shields, and cannon, flanked at each end by a QUODLIBET. 63 pile of drums and colors. All these several embellish- ments a nice observation would determine to be exe- cuted in oil painting, upon wooden screens sawed into the requisite figures. But even this expense would, perhaps, have been avoided, had it not been that Quipes, our artist, owed Mr. Flam twenty-five dollars on account of a debt which Mr. Flam had to pay for him, to get him out of jail, for the sake of his vote, when we first elected our public-spirited representative to Congress. Owing to this circumstance, connected with the fact that Sam Hardesty, the joiner, became insolvent on his contract for building the big portico, whereby Mr. Flam was obliged to advance money to him in order to get it finished, our member conceived that it would be a good plan to work these debts out of his two friends, by setting them about the decorations I have described. Besides, he reasoned with himself that it was always well to give employment to the working people about him, with a view to encourage industry and afford a practical illustration of the benignant influence of the great Democratic principle upon society — a considera- tion which Mr. Flam on no occasion ever permitted himself to lose sight of. By this judicious management he accomplished a fourfold purpose : namely, the beau- tifying of Popular Flats; the execution of these rich specimens of art, at less than half their value; the employment of two very meritorious fragments of the people; and, above all, a most satisfactory develop- ment of the excellence and usefulness of the great New-Light Democratic principle. Mr. Flam never was what you might call a moneyed man. For although his farms were very productive, 64 QUODLIBET. and he had a considerable income from stock in the United States Bank ; and although the expenses of his family were very far short of what the world might, from the show he made, suppose them to be; yet he was in the habit of parting with his money as fast as it came to hand. There were a great number of deserving but needy persons who were often at the Popular Flats, and who did not hesitate to borrow all the funds Mr. Flam could spare, (if he had a fault it was the gen- erosity of his lendings,) and in this way to keep him, as he has often told me himself, very bare. To make sure against loss he had the prudence never to lend without bond and mortgage, with a power of attorney to confess judgment; and as he ever avowed what he called his most irrevocable opinion, that the interest law was exceedingly oppressive upon the industry of the country, he invariably made his own bargain on that point — sagaciously remarking, as I once heard him to Nicholas Hardup, the cattle dealer, who was under execution upon a judgment, and came to borrow the amount from Mr. Flam, "Money, sir, is a com- modity like wheat or cattle ; its value is regulated by the relations of supply and demand. Society will never prosper till that principle is universally recog- nized. We go for it, Mr. Hardup, as cardinal in the Democratic creed. Labor, to be free, requires that the money contract also should be free. Why should the poor man pay six per cent, when money is worth but five? Why should he be prevented paying seven, eight, or nine, even, if he finds it his interest to give it — or cannot do without it? No, sir, Equal Rights, Liberty of Conscience, and Unrestricted Freedom QUODLIBET. 65 i of Contract — there is the buttress of Democratic government!" It often happened, as such things •will happen, that Mr. Flam became the loser by his generosity ; and as it was a maxim with him to inculcate the most rigid punctuality in all engagements, he has never felt him- self at liberty to relax what he regarded this salutary rule; so that, on many occasions, he has been com- pelled to submit to the unpleasant and expensive operation of closing his accounts on the bond and mortgage, by taking possession of the mortgaged property; and in this way, as he sometimes feelingly complains to his friends, he has become encumbered with more land than he knows what to do with. He has, however, gradually got through a great deal of this trouble by renting out his farms ; a course which he intends to persevere in until his children are able to take the management of them. Mr. Handy has several times endeavored to persuade him to make his improvements rather more permanent, and to take down these embellishments I have been de- scribing; rather rashly as I thought, calling them, to Mr. Flam's face, pasteboard scenery, gingerbread non- sense, and twopenny gimcracks: and he insinuated that if our worthy representative would lay out some of his "accommodation" in a more solid manner upon Popular Flats, it would tell hereafter to his advantage. But Mr. Flam turns a deaf ear to all Nicodemus's preaching. He says that the accommodation is better laid out in the Chickasaw Reserve, where he means to realize a large fortune ; and as to what Mr. Handy is pleased to call gimcracks and gingerbread, that, in 6* 66 QUODLIBBT. fact, is the only kind of decoration in which a man, who respects the simplicity and purity of Democratic government, ought to indulge his taste. "If," said he, "my old castle, my obelisk, or my Gothic gateway were built of stone instead of white pine, a fair in- ference might be made against me of a lurking wish to restore the exploded aristocratic system of primogen- iture and entails. It would be said I was building for my son and his eldest born. Thank God, no such treasonable design can be inferred from this gimcraek and gingerbread, as you wittily term it. When I go, sir, my estate is to be cut up as our Democratic repub- lican laws ordain; and my gimcraek and gingerbread can be plowed in as easily as the dockweed. Strange as it may sound to the ears of some, gimcraek and gin- gerbread are the elements of our new Democratic theory. Sir, our government should glory in it: — it does glory in it. There is no reproach in the fact that we neither build, legislate, think, nor determine for the next generation. We attend to ourselves — that is genuine New-Light Democracy. We oppose Vested Rights, we oppose Chartered Privileges, we oppose Pledges to bind future Legislatures, we oppose Tariffs, Internal Improvements, Colleges, and Universities, on the broad Democratic ground that we have nothing to do with Posterity. Posterity will be as free as we are. Let it take care of itself. I glory, sir, in say- ing New-Light Democracy riots in gimcraek and gin- gerbread." This eloquent outburst of sentiment effectually silenced Mr. Handy, and brought him thoroughly into Mr. Flam's opinion. I rejoice that my intimacy with QUODLIBET. 67 this able statesman should have afforded me this oppor- tunity to show the brilliancy with which his mind sparkles in the demonstration of political truth, and the wonderful power with which it converts apparently trivial thoughts into golden illustrations of the Dem- ocratic theory as lately discovered and practiced. 68 QUODLIBBT. CHAPTER IV. THE SECOND ERA — POPULATION 01 QUODLIBET — INCREASE UNPARAL- LELED IN ANCIENT CITIES ; EQUALED ONLY BY MILWAUKEE, ETC. SUCCESS OP THE BANK ATTACK UPON IT IN CONGRESS — THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM'S TRIUMPHANT VINDICATION SKETCH OP HIS CELEBRATED SPEECH BEFORE THE NEW LIGHTS INIMITABLE IRONY ON THE DIVORCE OP GOVERNMENT AND BANK MERITED COMPLI- MENT TO THE HEAD OP THE SECRETARY OP THE TREASURY THAT DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN'S OPINIONS. It is no part of my design in the compilation of this little history to preserve the form of a regular, chro- nological narrative of the course of events in Quodli- het; for although the material for such a continuous recital abounds in the memoranda which I have pre- served, yet it seems better to suit the purpose of the respectable committee who have invoked me to this labor, that I should rather make excerpts from the mass of my papers, in such wise as to bring before my reader the condition of the Borough at several epochs, with an occasional reference to such incidents as may serve to explain the opinions of our people and illus- trate the course of that beautiful system of politics which the world — I mean that world of which our Borough is the center — has consented to honor with the epithet of Quodlibetarian ; and in which designa- tion, in my poor judgment, is comprehended the essence of the true theory by which this nation has advanced QUODLIBET. 69 to its present unparalleled state of prosperity and grandeur. Following this suggestion, I propose now to lead my reader to that epoch in the annals of the Borough which dates in the fourth year after the Removal, or, in the vernacular computation, the year of 1836-7. The population of Quodlibet had now reached to the astonishing amount of fifteen hundred and eighty odd souls — the increase being altogether without an ex- ample in the history of civilization, excepting, perhaps, in that of Milwaukee, Navarino, and some other of those seemingly incredible and fabulous creations of art which are said to have sprung up under the benefi- cent auspices of the Quodlibetarian theory, as the same has been practiced in this government for some few years past. Quodlibet, I repeat, had reached in pop- ulation upwards of fifteen hundred and eighty inhabit- ants, as was ascertained by a diligent enumeration made under the direction of our New-Light Club, with a view to. the election of a constable held this year in the Borough; — and when we reflect that at the date of the Removal, the whole settlement fell short of two hundred persons all told, it will be perceived that in three years our increase has exceeded seven hundred per cent.! Verily, neither London, Athens, nor Palmyra, Karnac, Luxor, nor even Milwaukee itself, I doubt, has ever manifested so prolific an augmen- tation. Nicodemus Handy's row of stores on the Basin was the first improvement, as I have already informed my reader; then Copperplate Ridge was studded with buildings; at the same time Flam Street was enriched TO QTTODLIBET. with the bank and seven brick buildings; then came the Female Lyceum, with the Town Hall in the second story of the same building, Peter Ounce's Boatmen's Hotel on the other side of the Basin, the Hay Scales, Zachary Younghusband's (the tinplate worker) shop, and Dr. Thomas Gr. Winkleman's Druggist Store and Soda Water Pavilion. These, as well as I can recol- lect, were the principal establishments erected in Quod- libet in the three years I have referred to. There were a number of private houses built in this period, and a whole settlement of free negroes made below the Basin, on the line of the canal. I ought to mention, too, that Nicodemus Handy this year dug out the foundations, and, I believe, built the cellar walls, of a second row of stores and of a new hotel designed on a very large scale, with extensive baths to be attached to it. These buildings, it pains me to say, in advance, never got higher than the first story, as I shall be obliged to relate hereafter. The bank did a sweeping business all this time; and nothing can be conceived more beautiful than the theory upon which it was conducted. It has run out of my memory how many new bales of pink silk paper were turned off by it, but the amount would scarcely be be- lieved if I were to set it down ; and the accommodation principle was carried out to an extent that must have been truly gratifying to the Secretary. Still, even this most exemplary institution did not escape the malev- olence of the Whigs. That ever-complaining party, as the Hon. Middleton Flam assured us by letter, were making a great ado in Congress about all the banks, but particularly about ours— alleging, in their usual QUODLIBET. 71 factious manner, that the government would lose money by us, as well as by the others. Deeming this charge as one of peculiar atrocity, we at once determined to take it up in our New-Light Club, and stamp upon it the most conclusive refutation. We accordingly fixed an evening for the discussion, during Christmas week, when we knew that our mem- ber would be at home to visit his family; and he was of course invited to attend and give his views upon this very interesting question. The meeting was in the Town Hall up stairs above the Female Lyceum. All Quodlibet was present. I shall be long thankful to Providence for the dignified station which it fell to my lot to fill on that memorable occasion. By a most unexpected but most felicitous chance, I was honored that night with a call to the chair; the worthy Mr. Snuffers, our President, not being able to attend, in consequence of the interesting condition of Mrs. Snuf- fers. As the subject of discussion was one of thrilling interest, the most intense anxiety prevailed to hear the speech of our eloquent representative. He came fully prepared, bringing with him a load of documents. Our Vice, Mr. Doubleday, who is a solid thinking, shrewd person, of that maturity of judgment which it is im- possible to impose upon, and himself, by-the-by, a first- rate debater, told me, after we broke up, that Mr. Flam's discourse that evening on the banking system at large and on the safety of the banks in particular, was one of the closest pieces of reasoning he had ever listened to in his life. I regret that I have preserved so imperfect an outline of this speech, but such as it is I offer it to my reader. 72 QUODLIBET. The orator commenced very appropriately by re- marking how impossible it was, in the nature of things, to satisfy the Whigs on any point. He said there were three parties in Congress: First, the Whigs — who still croaked about a National Bank — and his de- scription of their croaking was to the last degree humorous; it produced peals of laughter. Second, the thorough-going Quodlibetarian Whole Hogs, who were steadfast and immovable for the State Banks; and a third party, small in numbers, "attenuated" — as he remarked with irresistibly comic effect — "and gaunt; feeble, shrill, and like crickets who might scarcely be seen in daytime;" and who, when the bill to Regulate the Deposits was up, presented what, in his opinion, was the most alarming, if it had not been the most ridiculous scheme, in relation to the public money, that had ever been hatched in the hotbed of faction. These men, he said called themselves Conservatives: "And what think you, Mr. President," he asked, "was their project? It was, sir, to separate the Government from the Banks." Here Mr. Flam was interrupted by a loud laugh. "A Mr. Gordon," he said, "was at the head of this little troop. He proposed a bill, two sessions ago, to place the revenue and public moneys in the hands of Receivers — the moneys were to be paid to these Receivers in gold and silver! and no bank was to be intrusted with a dollar!! And this," exclaimed Mr. Flam, with a tone of inimitable irony, "was to be done for the safety of the public Treas- ure! Your money not safe in the hands of the banks, but perfectly secure in the keeping of these honest Receivers, who were to be furnished with vaults QUODLIBET. 73 and iron chests to lock it up in ! ! ! rare Con- servatives! — wise Conservatives! — honest Con- servatives!" We all thought the ceiling of the Town Hall would have toppled down on our heads from the laughter occasioned by this sally. In this admirable strain he continued for some minutes. At length, taking him- self up, and falling into a tone of grave expostulation, he pulled out a copy of The Globe from his pocket, and proceeded — "Admirably, sir, has this paper which I hold in my hand descanted on this most wicked project. These well-timed remarks, I beg leave to read. Hear the incomparable Blair. 'Had such, a suggestion,' says he, 'come from General Jackson, it would have been rung through the Old Dominion as conclusive proof of all the aspirations which may have been charged to the Hero of New Orleans. See here, they would say, he wishes to put the public money directly into the palms of his friends and partisans, instead of keeping it on deposit in banks, whence it cannot be drawn, for other than public purposes, without certain detection. In such a case, we should feel that the people had just cause for alarm, and ought to give their most watchful attention to such an effort to enlarge Executive power, and put in its hands the means of corruption.' Most admirably again," continued Mr. Flam, "has this same incomparable Blair said, 'The scheme is dis- organizing and revolutionary, subversive of the funda- mental principles of our government, and of its prac- tice from 1780 down to this day.' Will you, freemen of Quodlibet, gentlemen of The New Light," exclaimed 6* 74 QUODLIBET. Mr. Flam, " if faction should go so far as to put this odious, disorganizing, and revolutionary yoke upon the country, will you, freemen of Quodlibet, submit to it?" "No!" shouted the ready response of sixty-four voices. "Gentlemen, listen to the words of the Old Hero," continued Mr. Flam, with a gratulatory smile play- ing on his face, presenting at the same time a printed document which he carefully unfolded — " listen to that ' old man eloquent' whose mouth is never opened but to breathe the precepts of wisdom and patriotism : — I read you from his last message. In remarking upon this absurd project, the President, in this able paper, holds the following language: 'To retain the Public Revenue in the Treasury unemployed in any way, is impracticable. It is considered against the genius of our free institutions to loch up in vaults the treasure of the nation. Such a treasure would doubtless be employed at some time, as it has in other countries, when opportunity tempted ambition.' Now are you willing, men of Quodlibet," again ejaculated our elo- quent representative, as he slapped the document upon the table, "are you willing, or can you consent to tolerate a proposition which is against the genius " "No!" thundered forth sixty-four New Lights again, before our orator had finished the sentence. "Order, order, freemen of Quodlibet," I called out, as it was my duty to do, at this interruption. "Hear our distinguished representative to an end, before you respond." There was a decorous silence. QUODLIBBT. 75 "A proposition," continued Mr. Flam, "which is against the genius of our free institutions, and which would be a lure to tempt ambition to its most unholy purposes?" The club looked at me for a sign, and I, quickly- giving a nod of my head, a loud "No" ran over the whole room, like a feu de joie fired off at a militia training. "Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Flam, "one word as to the safety of these deposits. Whigs — oh that some of you were present, to mark how a plain tale shall put you down! I have here the Secretary's own report," he added, as he selected one from the bundle of docu- ments which lay before him. " There is no need for many words here — here is Mr. Secretary himself, than whom a more pellucid, diaphonous, transparent Secre- tary of the Treasury — a mind of rock-crystal, a head of sunbeams, a soul, sir, of pure fountain water, that gurgles and gurgles, perpetually welling forth Its unadulterated intelligence in a purling stream, of which it may be Baid, in the beautiful language of the poet of antiquity ' Rusticus expectat dum defluat amnis, at ille Labitur et labetur in omne volubilis sevum.' " — - Here I gave a nod, by way of signal to the club, to applaud this splendid outbreak of Ciceronian eloquence ; whereat the New Lights vociferated "Bravo — three times three!" and made the house ring with their ap- probation — "I say, sir, I have the Secretary himself here present." Several of the members, not being accustomed to 76 QUODLIBET. this parliamentary language, took the orator literally, and rose to welcome the distinguished person referred to ; but a word from me explained matters, and brought the club again to order. ," The Secretary, gentlemen New Lights," said Mr. Flam, adroitly availing himself of the occasion to throw off a coruscation of wit — " the Secretary lives in his reports — profound, statesmanlike, recondite and deep, his report is in my hand — it is himself! I will read you what he says upon this matter of the safety of the banks." Here Mr. Flam read as follows, from a report dated December 12, 1834:— "It is gratifying to reflect, however, that the credit given by the government, whether to bank paper or bank agents, has been accompanied by smaller losses in the experience under the system of State banks in this country, at their worst periods, and under their severest calamities, than any other kind of credit the government has ever given in relation to its pecuniary transactions." "Again," he continued, turning to another page, "it is a singular fact, in praise of this description of public debtors — the selected banks — that there is not now due, on deposit, in the whole of them, which have ever stopped payment, from the establishment of the constitution to the present mo- ment, a sum much beyond what is now due to the United States from one mercantile firm, that stopped payment in 1825 or 1826, and of whom ample security was required, and supposed to be taken under the responsibility of an oath. If we include the whole QtTODLIBET. 77 present dues to the government from discredited banks at all times, and of all kinds, whether as depositories or not, and embrace even counterfeit bills, and every other species of unavailable funds in the treasury, they will not exceed what is due from two such firms. Of almost one hundred banks, not depositories, which, during all our wars and commercial embarrassments, have heretofore failed, in any part of the Union, in debt to the government, on their bills or otherwise, it will be seen by the above table (to which Mr. Flam re- ferred as annexed to the report) that the whole of them, except seventeen, have adjusted everything which they owed, and that the balance due from them, without interest, is less than $32,000." "There, gentlemen New Lights of Quodlibet," said Mr. Flam, when he had finished reading these extracts, "what can be added beyond this certificate from the Secretary, of the value of our State banks ? Even the lips of Whiggism are sealed before it; and nothing is left but the confession that, in all their senseless clamor against our favorite and long- tried State bank system, the course of its enemies has been but the ebullition of disappointed ambition and peevish discontent. Are you willing, I ask, to see this glorious system prostrated to the earth?" "No !" was again the 'general cry. "Are you content to see your cherished banks stripped of the confidence of the government ?" "No — never, never !" shouted the New Lights to a man. " Then, gentlemen Quodlibetarians, radii of the New 7* 78 QUODLIBBT. Lights, you have justified all my hopes. Your applause rewards all my toils — your support and confidence enlist all my gratitude. With emotions of heart-felt satisfaction, I bid you each good night I" With these words, this remarkable man gathered up his documents, and, with a countenance full of smiles, retired from the midst of this circle of his devoted — yes, I may say, his idolizing friends. QUODLIBET. 79 CHAPTER V. EXCITEMENT PRODUCED BY THE THOROUGH BLUE WHOLE TEAM — MEETING OF THE NEW LIGHT JESSE FERRET'S AMBIDEXTERITY INTRODUCTION OF ELIPHALET FOX TO THE CLUB — HIS EXPOSITION OP PRINCIPLES — ESTABLISHMENT OF THE QUODLIBET WHOLE HOG. Soon after the time referred to in the last chapter — that is, when we were favored by Mr. Flam with his views on the banking system — there was a question of the most profound interest in agitation, both in the New-Light Club and out of it; that question was the establishment of a newspaper. The Quodlibetarian Democracy were, I am sorry to inform my reader, most sorely and wantonly assailed, indeed I may say in- , suited, by an hebdomadal sheet which, through the aid, or, more properly speaking, the abuse of the post-office (for surely it was not the original design of that in- stitution to afford the means of corrupting the people by the dissemination of such moral poisons) was dis- tributed among sundry of our citizens, and even put upon the files of one of our public houses. I do not scruple to name the house — that of Jesse Ferret — Jesse being at this time a little amphibious in his politics, or, in Mr. Fog's expressive language, rather fishy. The paper to which I allude was published at Thorough Blue Court-House, a perfect hotbed of con- tumacious opposition, situate about fifty miles due west from QuQdlibet. It was called "The Thorough 80 QUODLIBET. Blub Whole Team," and was edited by Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson, an inchoate lawyer, who had set up for a poet, and whose sentiments were of the most dangerous Whig complexion. This paper was constantly filled with extracts of the ravings of Whig members of Congress against our admirable system of banking, and had gone to such an extreme of rashness, as to denominate that splendid measure of the purest and wisest statesman of the age — my reader perceives I mean Mr. Benton — for the introduction of the gold currency, a humbug ! But this was not all ; the un- principled editor of that reckless journal had actually so far forgotten all the decencies of civilized society, had become so callous to the cause of virtue and truth, as to launch his puny thunderbolts at the fair fame of the Hon. Middleton Flam. He was ridiculed as a pre- tender ! he was nicknamed a charlatan ! ! and the unbridled license of this unsparing defamer did not stop short of denouncing him as a Federalist ! ! ! All Quodlibet — that is, all who possessed the soul of Quod- libetarians — raised up their hands at the political im- piety of this libel. A spontaneous burst of feeling indicated the deep sentiment which called for immediate action on the subject. For a full week, the New Light was in a state of paroxysm. The club met every night. Nicodemus Handy was there; Fog was there; Nim Porter was there ; Snuffers and Doubleday, Doctor Winkleman and Zachary Younghusband, recently ap- pointed postmaster of the Borough, were there. Every thorough-bred Quod, even down to Flan. Sucker, was there. Jesse Ferret, I have already said, was fishy. I regret to say it, but it is true. Jesse, bending to the QUODLIBET. 81 suppleness of the times, and forgetting a patriot's duty, which is first and foremost above all things to stick to his party, pleaded his public calling to excuse his vacillation, and even went so far as to say that "a publican should have no politics." Oh shame, where is thy blush! Not so with Nim Porter; — his soul towered above the bar-room ; he would bet all he was worth on the side of his party. Everybody in Quod- libet knows how free Nim always was with his bets. The decisive meeting of the club took place in the dining-room of Ferret's tavern. Nicodemus Handy did not often attend the meetings of the club: we looked to him rather for head work, for he was not the best of public speakers; but on the night of this assemblage he made it a point to be present. Mr. Handy is rather a short, fat man ; his head is partially bald, his face is smooth and fair, his dress was always remarked for being of the best material, put on in the neatest manner — in short, Mr. Handy is a first-rate gentleman. I am particular in noting these matters, because The Whole Team was in the habit of brag- ging that " all the decency" was on his side. Now I would challenge Thorough Blue Court-House, and the settlement ten miles around it — the whole region is Whig — to produce one man among them to compare either with the Hon. Middleton Flam or Nicodemus Handy. And I would take this occasion further to remark, in refutation of The Whole Team's calumny touching "all the decency," that the true Quodlibet- arian Democrats have as great a respect for appearance, and as profound a spirit of assentation and regard toward a man of wealth, as the people of any country^ 82 QUODLIBBT. upon earth: if anything, our tip-top Quods carry rather a higher head than the richest Whigs in these parts, and any dispassionate man who will examine into the matter will say so. Snuffers was in the chair. The members of the club did not sit down : they were too much agitated to sit down. As soon as I, in my character of Secretary, read the minutes of the preceding meeting, Mr. Handy rose, and after some very appropriate remarks delivered in a modest fashion, (in which he assured the club that he was unaccustomed to public speaking and moreover oppressed by the intensity of his feelings in regard to the recent attack on his friend, the Hon. Middleton Flam, and in a slight degree agitated in the presence of this most respectable assemblage of Quods,) came at once to the point. "Who," he asked, "was Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson? His name told you who he was — an aristocrat, a poet, a sentimentalizer, a dealer in fiction I What was his calling? A pander, a pimp, a professional reviler of great and good men. What was his paper ? That sink of infamy — The Whole Team — twenty-four by eighteen, with a poet's corner, and an outside stuffed with a few beggarly advertisements. Would gentlemen submit to be led by the nose by a thing like that, twenty-four by eighteen?" "Never," cried out Flanigan Sucker, who stood in the doorway, just behind Nim Porter — " will we, Nim?" "Silence," said Mr. Snuffers. "If gentlemen have my feelings of indignation on this subject," continued Mr. Handy, "they will concur with me in establishing a paper of our own." QUODLIBET. 83 "Go it, Nicodemus!" shouted Flan. Sucker, very indecorously putting in his word a second time. Thereupon arose some confusion in the club, and' Elan, being found upon examination to be muddled with liquor, was requested to retire; and not being very prompt to obey this invitation, he was turned out. Mr. Handy then proceeded. "Gentlemen," said he, " a paper we must have, and I feel happy in the op- portunity to introduce to your acquaintance a good friend of our cause, who is here present to-night, and who, under the auspices of this club, is willing to un- dertake the responsible duty of supplying this so much desiderated object. I beg leave to present to you Mr. Eliphalet Fox, a gentleman long connected with the press in a neighboring State, and who is prepared to submit to you his scheme." Upon this a stranger, who had been seated in a back part of the room, wrapped up in a green camlet cloak with plaid lining, which I may add had apparently seen much service, stepped forward, and, disrobing him- self of this outer garment, stood full before the Presi- dent. He was a thin, faded little fellow, whose clothes seemed to be somewhat too large for him. His eye was gray and rather dull, his physiognomy melancholy, his cheek sunken, his complexion freckled, his coat blue, the buttons dingy, his hair sandy, and like untwisted rope. The first glance at the person of this new-comer gave every man of the club the assurance that here was an editor indeed. A whisper of approbation ran through the crowd, and from that moment, as Mr. Doubleday afterward said to me, we felt assured that we had the man we wanted. 84 QUODLIBET. "Mr. President," said he, in a feeble and sickly voice, "my name is Fox. I am in want of employ- ment. Sir," he added, gritting his teeth and taking an attitude, "if the rancor of my soul, accumulated by maltreatment, set on edge by disappointment, indurated by time, entitle me to claim your confidence, then, sir, my claim stands number one. If a thorough knowledge, sir, of the characteristic traits of Federalism, long ac- quaintance with its designs, persecution, sir, from its votaries, a deep experience of its black ingratitude; if days of toil spent in its service, nights of feverish anxiety protracted in ruminating over its purposes; if promises violated, hopes blasted, labors unrewarded, may be deemed a stimulus to hatred — then, sir, am I richly endowed with the qualifications to expose the enemies of Quodlibetarian Democracy. I am a child, sir, of sorrow : the milk of my nature has been curdled by neglect. Mine is a history of talents underrated, sensibilities derided, patriotism spurned, affluence, nay competence, withheld. The world has turned me aside. I have no resting-place on the bosom of my mother. Society, like a demon, pursues me. Writs in the hands of the sheriff, judgments on the docket, fi. fas. and ea. sas. track my footsteps. No limitation runs in my favor : the scire facias, ever ready, revives the inhuman judgment, and my second shirt — my first is in rags — is stripped from my body to glut the avarice of my relentless pursuers. Thank God, I have at last found a friend in that distinguished man who has been so ruthlessly, so recently assailed, by that fledgling of the aristocracy, Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson. Yes, sir, in the Hon. Middleton Flam I have found a friend. QUODLIBET. 85 He has given me letters to this benevolent gentleman, Mr. Handy; he has recommended my establishment here; he promises to co-operate with this respectable club in giving me a foothold among you. With her Flams and her Handys, Quodlibet is destined to an enviable influence in this great Republic." (Here he was interrupted by loud cheers.) "My scheme is, Mr. President, with the aid of this club, and that of the benefactors I have named, forthwith to start The Quodlibet Whole Hog. It shall take a decided and uncompromising stand against The Thorough Blue Whole Team, (here he was again arrested by cheers ;) pledged to contradict every word uttered by that vile print, (cheers;) to traduce and bring down its editor by the most systematic disparagement, (cheers;) to dis- prove all Whig assertions; unfailingly to take the opposite side on all questions; industriously to lower the standing of the members of the Whig party, (im- mense cheers;) through thick and thin, good report and evil report, for better and for worse, to defend and sustain the administration of the new President, who is about to take his seat, that incomparable Dem- ocrat of the genuine Quodlibetarian stamp, Martin Van Buren, (at this point the cheering continued for some moments, with such violence that the speaker had to suspend his remarks;) and finally, sir, to commend, exalt, and illustrate the character and pretensions of our unrivaled friend Mr. Flam, (immense cheering,) giving utterance to his sentiments, preponderance to his opinions, authority to his advice on all proper and suitable occasions, (loud cheering for a long time.) In short, sir, The Whole Hog shall be what its name im- 8 86 QUODLIBET. ports, a faithful mirror of the Democracy of Quod- libet. Its publication shall be weekly ; its size, twenty- six by twenty, having the advantage over the Whole Team by full two inches each way. There, sir, is an outline of my sentiments and proposed paper." Mr. Fox concluded this address in the midst of a con- gratulatory uproar, altogether unprecedented in the club. Seizing upon the enthusiasm of the moment, and being rather fearful that Fog would attempt to make a speech, which that gentleman's condition would have rendered extremely improper at this hour, Mr. Handy immediately offered a resolution for the establishment of the Whole Hog, and its adoption as the organ of the party, on the principles proposed by Mr. Fox. This was carried by acclamation; and the members without further discussion adjourned to the bar-room, where Nim Porter offered a bet — and not finding any one to take him up, continued to offer it during the evening — of fifty dollars to twenty-five, or one hundred to fifty, that Eliphalet Fox would run Augustus Posthlewaite Tompkinson's Whole Team out of Quodlibet in six months from that day: — that there would not be but two copies of the Whole Team taken in the Borough, and that one of them would be Michael Grant's out at the Hogback: — "for," said Nim, with an oath, which I will not repeat — "I can see it in that Liphlet Fox's eye; if he isn't a gouger when his bile's fresh, there aint nothing in Lavender on Physiology, or Fowler on the Shape of Heads." QUODLIBET. 87 CHAPTER VI. BEING A SHOET HISTOEY OF ELIPHAIET FOX. Eliphalbt Fox's paper, "The Whole Hog," made its first appearance on the day of the inauguration of President Van Buren. Bright were the omens that heralded its hirth. The lustrous orh of Jackson had just set in an ocean of splendor. Happy old man! Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas! In the glowing language of his own immortal valedictory, he left "this great people prosperous and happy." That star of the second magnitude, Martin Van Buren, first among the sidera minora, had just risen. In the nearly equally immortal salutatory of this Sidus Minor, he spake the words, "we present an aggregate of human prosperity surely not elsewhere to be found." For- tunate omens, incomparable auspices! Under these cheering signs "The Whole Hog" appeared upon the stage. Never was paper more faithful to the Quodlibetarian theory. Never was editor more richly endowed to sus- tain that theory than Eliphalet Fox. My reader will doubtless expect that I should impart such gleanings of the editor's life as my diligent researches have enabled me to collect. This reasonable expectation shall be indulged. Eliphalet Fox was one of those men whose career 08 GUODLIBBT. furnishes so remarkable a commentary upon the benef- icent character of our great Democratic Quodlibetarian principle. His ancestors, two generations back, were Federal and rich: in the last generation they were Federal and poor — a transition strikingly natural and eminently illustrative of our free institutions. Eliphalet was born in the town of Gab wrangle, in the adjoining State. His education was circumscribed to the circle of reading, writing, and arithmetic, which Eliphalet himself sometimes jocosely describes as algebraically denoted by the signs of the three Rs ; to wit, Reading, Righting, and Rithmetic — a joke (mehercule) both in- genious and new ! His parents being, as I may say, inops pecuniae, bound Eliphalet to a trade; but handicraft was ab- horrent to his genius. His temper was sour and peevish ; and though seemingly meek, even to a degree of asininity, in his demeanor, yet it was early dis- covered that, upon occasion, he could very deftly and nimbly, as the poet says, " unpack his heart with words and fall to swearing like a very drab." This art was too valuable in Eliphalet's time to go long without a patron; and, accordingly, after he had worked four most reluctant years in a printing-office, to which his respectable parents, thwarting the current of his genius, had devoted him, he was discovered and taken by the hand by Mr. Theophilus Flam, brother of the late Judge, and leader of the Federal party of Gabwrangle. It was just before the war; and the party being hard set upon by its enemies, had, like a cat surrounded by curs, thrown itself upon its back, and essayed to defend itself, most cattishly, with claw and tooth. QUODLIBET. 89 And sharply, as we well know, did they fight. Elipha- let, in this strife, played the part of a claw, showing most admirable spring nails, though ordinarily hid, and therefore but little suspected in his velvet paw. His position in this battle was that of conductor of "The Gabwrangle Grimalkin," a cross-grained, querulous, tart and vinegarish little folio, which hoisted the ban- ner of Theophilus - Flam, and swore in his words. Eliphalet Fox, in consequence of the trusty position which was thus confided to him, and still more by reason of a certain rabid but laudable hatred of all who bore the name of Democrat, in those days, (and here I would have my reader mark that a Democrat of 1812 was a very different thing from a Democrat of this our day, especially from a true Quodlibetarian Democrat,) rose to be a person of great consideration in Gabwrangle. The party of Theophilus Flam, like our illustrious chief of the new Democracy, Mr. Van Buren, made sturdy opposition to Madison and his unrighteous war, and finally enjoyed the satisfaction of a complete triumph over all their political adver- saries in Gabwrangle, by an utter route of the spurious Democrats who opposed them : a point of good fortune which did not fall to the lot of our illustrious chief at Kinderhook; since history records the disastrous fact that he, so far from conquering, was obliged to give in, and was even unhappily compelled, by the force of ad- verse winds, to go over to the majority, (an event very distressing to his feelings,) when he found that that majority was so obstinate as to refuse to come on his side: he was, if I may so say, as it were, a prisoner- of-war, and acted under a vis major. But at Gab- 8* 90 QUODLIBBT. wrangle — thanks to the persevering tongue and pen of Eliphalet Fox ! — it was all the other way ; and " The. Grimalkin," to the last, enjoyed a most enviable re- nown as the bitterest reviler of Mr. Madison and his doings. Habit grows into an instinct, and as times change our habits are the last to follow the fashion. It is only by referring to this deep-seated principle of human nature, that I am able to account for the extraordinary vituperation which Eliphalet Fox, at a later day, poured upon the head of the Old Hero when he was brought out for President. The Grimalkin, like all poison-con- cocting animals, grew more venomous as it grew older ; and were it not that Eliphalet has repented of this folly, and amply atoned for its commission, I should blush to record the almost savage ferocity, the alto- gether unpardonable acerbity, and, above all, the tho- roughly unquodlibetarian freedom with which he as- sailed the purest man that in the tide of time — as another pure man has remarked — ever appeared upon this terraqueous globe. But the truth is, Eliphalet had fallen into a habit of detraction, and did it with- out thinking: — that is the best excuse that can be made for him. The old Federalists of Gabwrangle, and, foremost among them, his master, Theophilus Flam, soon corrected this unhappy proclivity, and gave him to understand that he was on a wrong scent. They peremptorily, to their great honor, insisted that from that day forth the Grimalkin must be decent. The consequence of this was fatal to Eliphalet Fox — fatal at least to his prosperity in Gabwrangle. Thence- forth the Grimalkin sunk into insignificance. As the QUODLIBBT. 91 poet says, Othello's occupation was gone. The sub- scribers grew testy and dropped off, under the influ- ence of this uncongenial decency exacted from the editor. Eliphalet borrowed money, his habiliments grew shabby, he took up mean callings for the sake of pelf, he became a spunge ; he grew bilious, atrabilious, patriotic and indignant. He went for Reform — re- form of the General Government, reform of the State Constitution, reform of private manners, reform of public observances. He took up an aversion to all kinds of respectability, became a deadly enemy to every man who laid up any money — made this senti- ment a political question, talked of a division of pro- perty, called Nature a stepmother, said sundry hard things about the persecution of genius, and finally, one Sunday night, eloped from Gabwrangle, leaving his fiscal responsibilities in a state of as much perplexity as that into which these vile Whigs have brought those of the government. Alas, for Eliphalet ! little did he dream that out of this desolation and dismay he was to pluck so bright a flower of prosperity as he now wears in his bosom. All the hounds of the law — as he so eloquently painted it to the New Light at our cele- brated meeting — were set upon his track ; but grace to his better destiny ! he eluded them. To twenty writs placed on Monday morning in the sheriff's hands, that functionary made his return on Tuesday evening, "Eloped under whip and spur out of the bailiwick." — Oh, lucky Eliphalet! In these straits the badgered patriot went to Wash- ington; was recognized by our distinguished repre- sentative, who, knowing that we were in want of an 92 QUODLIBET. editor fit to cope with The Whole Team, gave him a warm letter of recommendation to Nicodemus Handy, and forthwith was projected that famous movement, whereof I have already given the history, and which has so auspiciously resulted in the establishment of The Quodlibet Whole Hog. QUODLIBET. 93 CHAPTER VII. ASTOUNDING EVENT — SUSPENSION Of SPECIE PAYMENTS — PROCEED- INGS OP THE BANK OP QUODLIBET THEREUPON RESOLVE OP THE DIRECTORS AGAINST SUSPENSION CONSPIRACY AND THREATENED REVOLUTION HEADED BY PLAN. SUCKER DIRECTORS CHANGE THEIR MIND THEIR CONSTERNATION AND ESCAPE REMARKABLE BRAV- ERY AND PRESENCE OP MIND OP THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM — HIS SPLENDID APPEAL TO THE INSURGENTS GENERAL JACKSON'S ORACULAR VIEWS IN REGARD TO THE SUSPENSION. Proh hominum fidem ! It falls to my lot, at this stage of my history, to be constrained to record an event the most astounding, the most awful, the most unexpected, the most treacherous, the most ungrateful, the most flagitious — yea, the most supereminently flagitious, — that the history of mankind affords. Notwithstanding that laudatory and political ejaculation which the Hero and Sage breathed out in the evening of his brilliant career, like the last notes of the swan, " I leave this great people prosperous and happy" — notwithstanding that flattering canzonet, with which he who pledges himself to walk in the Hero and Sage's footsteps, began his illustrious course, singing as it were the morning carol of the lark — "we present an aggregate of human prosperity surely not elsewhere to be found" — the echo of these sweet sounds had not died away upon the tympana of our ravished ears, before these banks — these gentle pet banks — these fostered, favored, sugar-plum and candy-fed pet banks, 94: QUODLIBET. with all their troop of plethoric and pampered paragon sister banks, one and all, without one pang of re- morse, without one word of warning, without even, as far as we could see, one tingle of a suppressed and struggling blush, incontinently suspended specie pay- ments ! ! curas hominum ! Quantum est in rebus inane ! Shall I tell it? Even the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet was compelled to follow in this faithless path. Not at once, I confess — not off-hand, and with such malice prepense as the others — for Nicodemus Handy had a soul above such black ingratitude — but after a pause, and, let the truth be told in extenuation, because he could not help it. The Hon. Middleton Flam was sent for upon the first tidings of this extraordinary kicking in the traces by these high-mettled institutions — tidings which reached Quodlibet, via the canal, about eleven o'clock one morning in May. The Directors were summoned into council. What was to be done? was the general question. Anthony Hardbottle, of the firm of Barn- dollar & Hardbottle — a grave man and a thoughtful ; a man without flash, who seldom smiles — a lean man, hard favored and simple in his outgoings and incom- ings; a man, who has never sported, as long as I have known him, any other coat than that snuff-brown with covered buttons, and who does not wear out above one pair of shoes in a year; a man who could never be persuaded to give so far into the times as to put on a black cravat, but has always stuck to the white : — such a man, it may be easily imagined, was not to be carried away by new-fangled notions: — he was there at the QUODLIBETi 95 Board, in place of Theodore Fog, who was compelled two years before to withdraw his name as a candidate for re-election. This same Anthony Hardbottle, speak- ing under the dictates of that cautious wisdom natural to him as a merchant, answered this question of What was to be done? — by another equally laconic and preg- nant with meaning — "How much cash have we on hand?" "One hundred and seven dollars and thirty-seven and a half cents in silver," replied Nicodemus, "and five half eagles in gold, which were brought here by our honorable President and placed on deposit, after he had used them in the last election for the pur- pose of showing the people what an admirable currency we were to have, as soon as Mr. IJenton should suc- ceed in making it float up the stream of the Missis- sippi." Again asked Anthony Hardbottle, " What circula- tion have you abroad ?" "Six hundred thousand dollars," replied Nicodemus, " and a trifle over." " Then," said Anthony, " I think we had better suspend with the rest." "Never," said the Hon. Middleton Flam, rising from his seat and thumping the table violently with his hand. "Never, sir, while I am President of this bank, and there is a shot in the locker." "Bravo-— well said, admirably said, spoke as a Quodlibetarian ought to speak!" shouted Dr. Thomas G. Winkleman, the keeper of the soda-water Pavilion ; " I have fifteen dollars in five-penny bits ; they are at the service of the Board, and while I hold a piece of yb QUODLIBET. coin, the Patriotic Copperplate Bank shall never be subjected to the reproach of being unable to meet its obligations. Anthony Hardbottle, as a Democrat I am surprised at you." " I can't help it," replied Anthony ; " in my opinion, our issues are larger than our means." " How larger, sir ?" demanded Mr. Snuffers, the President of the New Light, with some asperity of tone. — "Haven't we a batch of bran-new notes, just signed and ready for delivery ? Redeem the old ones with new. Why should we suspend?" " Gentlemen, I will put the question to the Board," interposed Mr. Flam, fearful lest a quarrel might arise, if the debate continued. "Shall this bank suspend specie payments? Those in favor of this iniquitous proposition will say Ay." No one answered. Anthony Hardbottle was in- timidated by the President's stern manner. " Those opposed to it will say No." " No !" was the universal acclamation of the Board, with the exception of Anthony Hardbottle who did not open his lips. "Thank you, gentlemen," said Mr. Flam, "for this generous support. I should have been compelled by the adoption of this proposition, much as I esteem this Board, much as I value your good opinion, to have returned the commission with which you have honored me as your President. Our country first, and then ourselves !" The Democracy of Quodlibet never will suspend !" At this moment confused noises were heard in the banking- room, which adjoined that in which the (JUODLIBET. 97 Directors were convened. Mr. Handy immediately sprang from his chair and went into this apartment. There stood about thirty persons, principally boat- men from the canal. At their head, some paces advanced into the bank, was Flanigan Sucker. One sleeve of Flan's coat was torn open from the shoulder to the wrist ; his shirt, of a very indefinite 'complexion, was open at the breast, disclosing the shaggy mat of hair that adorned this part of his person ; his corduroy trowsers had but one suspender to keep them up, thus giving them rather a lop-sided set. His face was fiery- red; and, his hat, which was considerably frayed at the brim, was drawn over one ear, and left uncovered a large portion of his forehead and crown which were embellished by wild elf locks of carroty hue. ' " Nicodemus"," said Flan, as soon as the Cashier made his appearance, " we have come to make a run upon the bank: — they say you've bursted your biler." Then turning to the crowd behind him, he shouted, " Growl, Tigers !— Yip ! yip! Hurra!" As Flan, yelled out these words, a strange muttering sound broke forth from the multitude. " What put into your drunken noddle that we have broke ?" inquired Mr. Handy, with great composure, as soon as silence was restored. "Nim Porter ses, Nicodemus, that you're a gone horse, and that if you ain't busted up, you will be be- fore night. So we have determined on a run." Nim Porter, who was standing in the rear of the crowd, where he had come to see how matters were going on, now stepped forward. Nim is the fattest man in Quodlibet, and besides, is the most dressy and 9 9o QlTBOlDHiBiEj^* gbMihaiimei TdanMe.lMve. JjQ»jthis^ooeaswng$her.etii$ stodd'with' a.staf^staBcheji linen riOBfi.d%Muti j^ck^jt,:^ abiwhitfe'aif ! the dr^eumpw/withiSRhifce jAwJJjng- r p/|i|ta- k>onq ju»t« frbmil thkniwaslierwotoftny afld lithe 1 ) rngst strutting* iSuffi® to Wsidbliisfci;1?liatIi©0(i!il(Jihia'TOifee^)j,.iHanii l - factiured oiit oi'^camfe^icr: ipetfsohs who occupied/ the tfoom.:) "I said ilothing of the sort — " was Nim's .itepl^ — r" ^ft^J W willing- -now !to feet, t^n jjjj -mm^/oti -■- " Wha/t's'the-ibfldsiL^ teJea iplan; MjN'icadetti^iWg are VeSfflWedupoiL«^ijun-*-fSo shell v©uja!"i ^jd ^nn : im l/j^Begin wlierfiksuits you,",said: Mr.; Handy. i#I<0t Me> fea)i r e''Jw)ur/(aote^aottdl I mill ogive [you jeitker, jSilver, ]or ; gold as you choose.'"'. 'Jo sjfooJ I'm lii.v v.10jd ' ' And . I have 1 twtentyiifiyp, wove" pjpieji; out another^ 'jiJ " And I itwice twen,ty7five,";-£aid ,,a„ gruff ^ic&jfjrom the 'mklst of the, crowd. j omo-j fjud oil o-foifrf ,L«orj Jte'All this 4ime >the number of ip§rsons.,pu$$ide. was increasing, and very profane £W&#ipg/W#j3 heard about quobiujset,, '$9 the dppr. , Mr./ IJandy stepped to jthe^wiiidow to get a view of .the., assemblage, andi;seeing J ftbjat, nearly f this before Mr./Handy, returned,, for,, they ,ha,dj distinctly heard the; lUproar, jMr- JJafldy nP; sponer communicated, the . fajct i jto thei%Ab&n Mr.- Flam,) j with considerable perturbation in his looks,, rose, and, declared, that Quodbbet was in a: state of insurrection; and, as every one must, be, awarp> that in the. midst of a jreypJu? tien no, bank could: be expected to. pay specie, he. moved, in consideration ,pf/ this menacing state, ,0ft affairs^ that the Patriotic Copperplate Bank, pf . Quod- libet suspend specie payments forthwith, >and continue, the, same Until, such ^une^aS; the re-e§tabJisbment gf, tb$ public peaiceshpuildiau-tborizpa; resumption. ; This mp 7 tion was gratefal}y,r;ee,eiyf d by ithejBoard, and carried without a division, , During this interval, ,the conspir. rators having learned, through their leader, Flan J. Sucker, , that; ,the fHpn. MidiJeton'' Flam was, in the house*. forthwith sej up a violent shouting- fpr that dig-; tinguighed,/, gentleman to, appear a«tjtbe door. _ It was some moments before, pur j representative was willing t)Q obey. this summons: the IJoardjof pirectprs v were,.thrown into a panic,,andjwitb great exgedijtiou gpt,,put vQf'the ba^k , windQW intp , the , yiard, and-, made,, their es^ape-r^ thus Jeavipg the indoffiijtaibje land ^unflinching,, President of- the b&nfe a, < manipf J jipft!beart, ajpfl^^in .the apart- ment ; while.the yells, and shouts, of the, multitude were ringing: in -his ears, w^tbiiawiftl; reduplication,, He wajS 100 QUODLIBET. not at a loss to perform his duty, but, with a dignified and stately movement, stalked into the banking-room, approached the window that looked upon the street, threw it open, and gave himself in full view to the multitude. There was a dreadful pause ; a scowl sat upon every broW; a muttering silence prevailed. As Tacitus says: "Non tumultus, non quies, sed quale magni metus, et magnae irse silentium est." Mr. Flam raised his arm, and spoke in this strain : — "Men of Quodlibet, what madness has seized upon you? Do you assemble in front of this edifice to make the day hideous with howling? Is it to insult Nico- demUs Handy, a worthy New Light, or is it to affright the universe by pulling down these walls ? Shame on you, men of Quodlibet ! If you have a vengeance to wreak, do not inflict it upon us. Gro to the Whigs, the authors of our misfortune. They have brought these things upon us. Year after year have we been strug- gling to give you a constitutional currency — the real Jackson gold — : — " "Three cheers for Middleton Flam!" cried out twenty voices, and straightway the cheers ascended on the air; and in the midst was heard a well-known voice, "Yip! yip !— Go it, Middleton !" : "- "Yes, my friends," proceeded the orator,' "while we have been laboring to give you the solid metals; while we have been fighting against this paper-money party, and have devoted all our energies to the en- deavor to prostrate the influence of these rag barons, these monopolists, these champions op vested rights and chartered privileges, the Whigs — we have been QUODLIBET. 101 foiled at every turn by the power of their unholy com- binations of associated wealth. They have filled your land with banks, and have brought Upon us all the curses of over-trading and over-speculating, until the people are literally on their faces at the footstool of the Money Power. (Tremendous cheering.) Our course has been resolute and unwaveringly patriotic. We have stood in the breach and met the storm; but all without avail. Between the rich and the poor lies a mighty gulf. The, rich man has, the poor man wants. Of, that which the rich hath, does he give to the poor? Answer me, men of Quodlibet." "No !" arose, deep-toned, from every throat. " Then our course is plain. Poor men, one and all, rally round our Democratic banner. Let the aristocrats know and feel that you will not bear this tyranny." "We will," shouted Flan. Sucker. "Go it, Mid- dleton !" "Gentlemen," continued Mr. Flam, "this bank of ours is purely Democratic. It is an exception to all other banks ; it is emphatically the poor man's friend : nothing can exceed the skill and caution with which it has been conducted. Would that all other banks were like it ! We have, comparatively, but a small issue of paper afloat ; we have a large supply of specie. You perceive, therefore, that we fear no run. You all saw with what alacrity our Cashier proffered to redeem whatever amount our respectable fellow-citizen, that excellent Democrat, Mr. Flanigan Sucker, might de- mand.- (Cheers, and a cry of 'Yip !') Mr. Sucker was satisfied, and did not desire to burden himself with 9* 102 Q'TJ.OiDLIiBBT. specie/ 1 Gentlemen, depend upon t'twevn When there is danger, if such a thing licbuld be .to .this l New-Light I>emberaticrbapk,*I will-be'the" first to.lgive you warn-: in£*. (Cheers, and 'i Hurrah for. FJ,anu')\ Born with an instinctive hve> off tthe.' people, I should, be the rtilesf of men, if I could' ever forgeti my .duty .to-, them. (Iiri-: mense eheeriugj 'and; foriesi of ■ '.Elanr forever !'); , Take my advice, retire rto 1 your homfes^keep. an eye r on, the WHigs ' and their' [wicked, .■ schemes, i to bolsteff up! the State banks, make 'no. run upon this institution — it, is an ill: bird that 'defiles -its .own nes't^and, before you depart, gentlemen, let me inform, you /that,. having the greatest^ regard 'to>yourl interest, we have determined ufjiorf' a tempoDaryrfSuipensioki^ -as, a, mere; matter' of eaution i against sthe intrigues of, the WhigS,,who^we have every f reason; to believe, actuated by lthejr ; , im- placable -hatred of? the New-Light. Democracy;' will assail this, your favorite bank, with a malevolence unexampled! in all their past career. .(Lpudricheers, and cbjies of 'Stand by the) bank/) ./BuVQuodlibetarians, rallyj and .present a i phalanx more terrible,! :than- ,the Ma'oedonistn/' to ithe . iavader: You, can-r-I am;, sure you" will-^-and^' therefore,! I :M1 you your, bank , is safe/'' ~< <• >■•'■'■• . :n i ,../.! ...jTi. ,. ; , // ,, .,,[,-[ ".'('We can, we. will !''> rose .from the whole, mfultitud^ accompanied with cheers .that might vie i with [the. bursty iagbf the ocean, surge. ...!., ') ■.».. /nr,,l. imf« r.,,n if "Gentlemen," added Mr..Elam-,i f.I,- thank yoft: for the manifestation' Of tthisi patriotic. sentiment. i,I,tfis,no more thart L expected /of iQuodlibefeif ,In,eon)qlusion, ri I > ! .'• '■> > r.i'i' 1 ..,-iI,I.M'! ui .'.,'[-■!). ,),,!! ,,■;, ; ,,,,i ,f,.,;i-||t; tha^.'having $xtd "pikp&t^"mn&&'iMea' c oii 'hi mperiof paljier- H^'will ^edfeeifo! atl tfie'ceftfrif e^ ' ' any' ©MJ otiEtfi' 'ydd may 1 ' tManbe 1 to ' Jitild," in tinais r nW^emisBion; aii»d < 1 1 can With' 'pride 1 ' assure ^o'^ thstt'tkirfilatfe' siippty 'JSs e'erfiups^tfr 'anything 'ikM'^'ites b# en^tteddri 1 tbi titled 'Stee&'f* W4tH' ; iny isfest§!*9sfe'efe,^tofcleimen^for your perntaneiiit 1 prosperity, r untter / the^new'afad'gIorious dynasty of- '.thdt'fdMik^tifektfd'^e^Ligktfj^eiafocpatj Wft'oW to ''ttn^tfglttfJ'teafflW^BEff-ctf^nBHiin^of ^fneerfien haVd 8 feftlHed"toYib# ^tipi'enSg'Jekecfertif^ichfti^i^eewij) and uad«r ■whoSe* tea# w»fiin!dl|idifidtttgfe''tii^!H8pfejof Bpfee«HlyIsW6fcpiiig ,f fi*d'i3lbf oW 'bank." ' 'JBut^ts^ foappiesifeatuire , wto\theV*nndicMon of l> «lie ,| ban'K a[gafiflst'th'at"'eharge'6f itafe'ackiny- apfciiai gl'atrtud^'Wnacb>'yo^justiyii€fe')ktntbefidobpi'.of'aH^<;he eliner banks 'bfl'ihe country) •>UieM > atri)otici ( Oopp«i& pla^e""Bank^fnQft dlibet ^aB^a^Mr^Ektes^bseFredJ tyito-ity^BerttoeYtitie — Demoerati<& m in 1 its principles*, in' i^s ^rganifc'a^oi^ '&> ^^managemeiStjiM rfcs>bffiberB,<'ito' ( sto\c1&o^^ abank, of bourse^ Wtild> not Be fontfbtthful toi'thesDem©* eratfc '^adminfot^iony^hal) fostered 'ifc^-iiyjidelitij ok \ti§ra6titude to\pWtfy in ri»and,< laboring; under the infirmity of shortsightedness,' wore a delicate pair of gold spectacles. I have > observed short- sighted' persons in generalare not apt'to be popular! in a Democratic government. ' ' speech" to 'a' town- meeting -on thig'subjectj'and went'in'fora com- promise — he 'was ' for wood' > on ' the' two sides' -and > baeU of' the square, 1 and iron in front. This proposition, he- advocated with greaWaSrhestnesS'and-ability, and finally^ carried his point by a close vote. ; The wooden party said that 'the "vote 'was 1 1 hot 'a fab onb, and i that "they dotfldnofc jregawfl ■ it iasf'a legitimate' expreisiori'of the popular" voice; : because it ; was 1 takentjusfc fas a< shower of' rain wab coming' rap 1 , when" many; r persbns'ip r fesen't| who had"Come , withoto!'UmbFeHa,s had given rio heed'to the question] r ahd voted-as itiwereHn'thetdarkJ 'However) 108 QUODLIBET. the vote was not recalled, and the iron railing is now in a course of fabrication over at the Hogback Forge, which happens unluckily to be owned by Stephen P. Crabstock, one of • the most bull-headed Whigs in this county, the job being given by the commissioners to him in consequence of there being no genuine New- Light Democratic iron works in this part of the county. When Agamemnon Flag was brought out at the head of the ticket for the Legislature, nothing was said about the iron railing, and we had good reason to sup- pose that every true Quod would support the nomina- tion; which in fact was made by the direction of our honorable representative in Congress, who had a great liking for Flag in consequence of a very beautifully written memoir of Mr. Flam, which appeared two years ago in the Bickerbray Scrutinizer, when Flag lived in that town. In point of principle, Agamemnon was altogether unexceptionable. He was an out-and-out Flamite of the first water, and an unadulterated Quod- libetarian in every sentiment. Theodore Fog — I regret to be obliged to mention his name in any terms of disparagement, because he is unquestionably a man of talents and a true-bred New Light, and certainly we owe Theodore a good deal — had been very sour for some time past. He had never forgotten the making of Middleton Flam President of the bank. I have in a former chapter hinted somewhat of Theodore's unfortunate habits. Dolet mihi, — I grieve to repeat these things. But the truth must be told. His diurnal aberrations became at length so conspicuous that, after being twice elected a Director of the bank, QUODLIBET. 109 his name was struck off the ticket and Anthony Hard- bottle's substituted in his place. Theodore never had much practice at the bar, although he considers him- self the founder of that fraternity at Quodlibet, being for a season the only lawyer in the Borough. That little practice had now pretty nearly left him ; in con- sequence of which he thought himself badly used, and therefore entitled to a support from the public. These feelings operating upon his mind, induced him, soon after the nomination of Agamemnon Flag, to come out in opposition and declare himself an Independent Candidate. The Whigs, taking advantage of this split in the party, brought out Andy Grant, son of old Michael of the Hogback ; a young man of fair character, but wholly and fatally imbued with those dangerous opin- ions which have already brought so many misfortunes upon our country. This was the state of things at the commencement of the month of September; and it will be seen in the sequel that very serioug difficulties grew out of this division. A meeting of the voters of the county, which included the three towns of Quodlibet, Tumbledown, and Bicker- bray, was called at the Sycamore Spring, upon the Rumblebottom, about five miles below Quodlibet. This meeting was to be held on the eighth. A reference to these events is necessary to explain the scene which I am about to present to my reader. Jesse Ferret, as my reader knows, had brought him- self into some scandal by his indefinite political senti- ments, and that most unquodlibetarian dogma that " a 10 110 QUODLIjBET, Publiean,;shbuld have^no side." fNoWyMrs., Fer;rftt,and her daughter) Susan Bar-ndqllar;, were juat ; anjti|>Qdes-ta Jesse. Two truer women,; mare firm 7 set, in the Newn Light Democracy, more constant in- opinion^ whether in, the utterance thereof or /in! i£s n G| : uaJity > ;'and,.b J ettejR able to hold their own, have I never ichanqed, to meet, 1 than,!ihis respectable mother, and idaUghtejr., It i is comnion to say women are not allpjwjedia voice in our government. My faith J theSej two ladies, had a voice in Quodlibei, allowed or; not allo'wedvnleJithe theory go as it imay inland. Jesse Ferrefc.knows that.full -well- Mrs. Ferret is what we call a fleshy or lusty woman : she weighed-- two hundred and .twelve,, in IJeaJ Hopper's new one-sided patenkscale at ,the/mill. ;jShe, is amaz- ingly well, -padded with fat .across /the shoulders, and has: a craw-shaped bosom*, that in some degree en^ Groache&uponiher neck ; : and; she is famous for wearing a large frilled and quilled cap with many blue ribbons, being a little given t*> finery. V. AJthoughjSnsan Barn- dollar was- groWni up and married, Mrs- Ferret h&id'ia, child; in; the- arms, at 'that time; and/ Jessft has even boasted, within the last five' years, of running r ,twp cradles -at one time. --,' ,.-.,.,,..'■•■ /. -■ It Was on, the evening: of the seventh, of September^ the night before :-thg -meeting at the ; Sycamore Springs when Mrs. Ferret had v a tea drinking .i in. the back parlor^ at> which Ij the* only one.flf the masculine^ was. present as. a guest., MrS.;¥punghu£bandwas of ,tbe party* and Mrs. Snuffers, withih^r-interesting^jtfeBialeJnfaBl nine months did; the same : dear v child whose] arrange- ments to. appear in this world of caires procured me#ie honor of .presiding oyer; the, jjjew; Ljtght^on ii^e,in&mQri- .Q^OBLIBEiT. 11 J. able occasion of Mr:-Elam'%igreatispjeeeb;|at Qhriftqi^ iwhereof I, have spokea/in,* former cb;$ptejfj:i,|thaflkjS']t;o Mrs. Snuffers, fo)?; i ]bllatiComside(rate;fja,v 1 Q]r,5 t ; .IXhis /gqqci lady was there; andethjegft two,! faith, .fchp addition,, of Mjsg Har dbottle, , eljder> lister pf [ Bftrndfiljari . & Hard- bpjttle, and Mrs^usftBacteljys4feaydi to go/down tcbfflorrpw tfttfee SyeamPr^; jSpjji#g-j !tt> hear ; the< tongue-lathing, wbicji rThepdpare F^ji^iehjj a-man I, always; irespectedif- they say -he !iAg Flag | and i'Andy •■ CUajnt. rhptbj »at ; jfeb^j same tim e,- ;least they might, be -fori making'/him take sidtegj; which he haSn'jtthe j^tfnk/jtc! 4o;- T MypatienceLhutdt wQuhilfhe jnuts to me to hear tbejjpeechi^^tipB'!— a#d, Aoj,thj»k •pf rife-^thati: man , h&sn't the fhe^$, ; of-a.goose l toh;i'j oh„ ''-«^ ' ; 'i ^ Ah^i ;M?Si, Ferret,';' r,sjaid< Mrs. Snuffers,; tailki^g, ,as if -shejkftd arcoldoin %$be 'h#ad, her voice, ^ei&g, husky,, jnofect,! from haying 'taken a- large, : piiKihipf v snuff, 'i^hem ppKticks-T^them: politicks !> Poor M§, SjnuffergJ — dear man: I "spose you know,he[is : Ptesi'•■!. 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