V.I 
 
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 BOUC3HT WITH THE INCOME OF THE 
 
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Cornell University Library 
 PR 2481.G87 
 v.1-5 
 The non-dramatic works of Thomas Dekker. 
 
 3 1924 013 128 917 
 
Cornell University 
 Library 
 
 The original of this book is in 
 the Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/cletails/cu31924013128917 
 
NoTlCE.-^The Memorial-Introduction for insertion in the present volume 
 will be given on completion of the Works, it being necessary 
 thus to postpone in order to admit of references, etc., to the 
 several books as herein first collected. This slip to be 
 removed by the binder afterwards. 
 
 A. B. G. 
 
^1 
 
 THE HUTH LIBRARY. 
 
 THE NON-DRAMATIC WORKS 
 
 OF 
 
 THOMAS DEKKER. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 MEMORIAL-INTRODUCTION. 
 
 CANAAN'S CALAMITIE. ( 
 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 THE BATCHELAR'S BANQUET. ^ 
 1598— 1603. 
 
 ^fg, ^ ^ ^ 9 ^ m m m 9 ^ ^^ m m ^ m^ m ^ jy 
 
This Earth with sorrow must combine, 
 But here all gladness is Divine, 
 The radiance of another sphere. 
 An unpolluted brightness clear. 
 To which by gladness we come near. 
 Since Mirth can open such a way, 
 It is with her that we should stray, 
 And leave false gravity to those 
 Who are not what the vain suppose. 
 
 Kenelm H. Digby : Ouranogaia, c. iv., i. g6. 
 
ELIZABETHAN-JACPBEAN 
 
 BOOKS 
 
 iii 
 
 Verse ahd Prose 
 
 LA R G E LY 
 Trom^ iTve, Ziiroyry of 
 
 C, "%aii 
 
 
 iba^f'i&ayM/i^7i'^y'^^iiyi3yi^:>^^'-n^ c^^aS^sS/ i7y?z^' <^^lit. 
 
 ■i/.!A^ Ci^j^^i>n^'. aJ; 
 
 ■4^^!''^i^kz:a>9Z^f^;i/iy cJc/.^^i-^xt-a-yl 
 
 rOTi PRIVATE CIR(- 
 
Ctje ©utf) lifirarp. 
 
 THE NON-DRAMATIC WORKS 
 
 OF 
 
 THOMAS DEKKER. 
 
 IN FOUR VOLUMES. 
 
 FOR THE FIRST TIME COLLECTED AND EDITED, 
 WITH MEMORIAL-INTRODUCTION, NOTES AND ILLUSTRATIONS, ETC. 
 
 BY THE REV. 
 
 ALEXANDER B. GROSART, LL.D. (Edin.), F.S.A. (Scot.), 
 St. Georges, Blackburn, La^ashire. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 MEMORIAL-INTRODUCTION. 
 
 CANAAN'S CALAMITIE, JERUSALEM'S MISERIE, AND 
 
 ENGLAND'S MIRROR. 
 
 THE WONDERFULL YEARE (1603), AND 
 
 THE BATCHELAR'S BANQUET; OR, A BANQUET 
 
 FOR BATCHELARS. 
 
 1598—1603. 
 
 PRINTED FOR PRIVATE CIRCULATION ONLV. 
 
 1884. 
 
 50 Copies.'\ ^ 
 
PtinUd by Hcaell, Watsoti, and Vitiey, Limited, Loiidon and Aylesbury. 
 
TO 
 
 A. H. BULLEN, Esq., 
 Editor of "OLD PLAYS," Etc., Etc., 
 
 THIS FIRST COLLECTION OF 
 
 DEKKER'S NON-DRAMATIC WORKS 
 
 Is Dedicated 
 
 with much admiration and thanks. 
 
 IN FAR-BACK JACOBEAN DAYS, THE NAME 
 
 OF DEKKER SEEN ON ANY TITLE-PAGE, 
 
 DREW, MAGNET-LIKE, MEN'S EYES ; HE WAS THE RAGE ; 
 NOR, HOWE'ER swiftly HIS ROUGH PAMPHLETS CAME, 
 did gentle or COMMON MURMUR OF BLAME. 
 
 HE CLAIM'D NOT, TRULY, TO BE SAINT OR SAGE ; 
 
 CHALLENG'D for poet, he'd SCARCE TA'EN THE GAGE; 
 BUT HE HAD THAT FOI^CE IN HIM WHICH DID TAME 
 EVEN "RARE BEN" ; OR CALL IT MOTHER-WIT 
 OR GENIUS, HIS LIGHTEST WORKS LIVE STILL. 
 
 MANY A MANNERS-PAINTING BOOK HE WRIT, 
 
 PACK'D full OF QUAINTEST WIT AND PLAY OF WILL ; 
 
 BULLEN, ACCEPT THESE WORKS ; TOUCHES IMMORTAL 
 WILL GLEAM UPON YOU FROM THEIR LOWLY PORTAL. 
 
 ALEXANDER B. GROSART. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 rAGE 
 
 ix 
 I 
 
 Memorial-Introduction 
 
 CANAAN'S CALAMITIE 
 
 WONDERFULL YEARE 
 
 BATCHELAR'S BANQUET ^"^9 
 
Fair is the mark of Good, and foul, of 111, 
 
 Although not so infallibly, but still 
 
 The proof depends most on the mind and will. 
 
 As Good yet rarely in the Foul is met , 
 So 'twould as little by its union get. 
 As a rich jewel that were poorly set. 
 
 For since Good first did at the Fair begin, 
 Foul being but a punishment for sin. 
 Fair's the true outside to the Good -within. 
 
 In these the Supreme Pow'r then so doth guide 
 Nature's weak hand, as he doth' add beside 
 All by which creatures can be dignified, 
 
 While you in them see so exact a line, 
 
 That through each sev'ral parts a glimpse doth shine, 
 
 Of their original and form divine. 
 
 ' The Idea, by Lord Herbert of Cherbury. 
 
^^ —^^ 4» 
 
 I. 
 
 CANAAN'S CALAMITIE. 
 1598 — 1618. 
 
 D. I. 
 
NOTE. 
 
 No perfect exemplar of the original (1598) edition of 'Canaan's 
 Calamitie' is known. Hazlitt (j.«. in 'Hand-Book,' vol. i.) describes 
 an imperfect copy. For our text we are under obligation to the British 
 Museum. See Memorial-Introduction on other editions ; and related 
 Notes and Illustrations. — G. 
 
CANAANS 
 
 CALAMITIE 
 
 lerufalems Mifery^ 
 
 OR 
 
 The dolefull deftruction of faire le- 
 
 rufalem by TYTVS, the Sonne of Vajpaftan 
 
 Emperour of Rome, in the yeare of Chrifts 
 
 Incarnation 74. 
 
 Wherein is fhewed the woonderfull miferies which 
 
 God brought vpon that Citty forjinne, being vtterly 
 
 ouer-throwne and deftroyed by Sword, 
 
 peftilence and famine. 
 
 AT LONDON, 
 
 ^ Printed for Thomas Bayly, and are to be fould at 
 the corner-Jliop in the middle rowe in Holborne, 
 neere adioyning vnto Staple Inne. 
 1618. 
 
TO THE RIGHT WORSHIPFVLL 
 
 M. Richard King Jmill Efquier, luftice of peace 
 
 andOjiorum in the Countie of Southampton, and 
 
 Surueyer of her Maiefties Courtes of Wardes 
 
 and Liueries. All profperitie and happines. 
 
 lAuing (Right worfhipfuU) often heard 
 of your extraordinary fauour, fhewed 
 in the depth of extremitie, to fome 
 poore friendes of mine, remayning in your 
 pleafant Lordfhip of High-cleere : by meanes 
 whereof, they haue had no fmall comfort for 
 the recouerie of their wifhed defire : I haue 
 been ftudious how I might in fome meafure 
 declare both their thankfulnefTe and mine owne 
 for fo great a good. But fuch is our weake 
 abillity that we cannot requite the leaft poynt 
 of that life prolonging kindnes, which the riches 
 of your courtefie did yeeld: neuerthelefle to 
 make apparent, that our poore eftates fhall not 
 obfcure, or clowd with ingratitude, the well 
 intending thoughts of our hearts : I haue pre- 
 
6 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE. 
 
 fumed to prefent to your worfhip this little 
 
 booke, an vnfaigned token of our good affeftion, 
 
 hoping that like the Princely Pertian you will 
 
 more refpeft the good will then the gift, which 
 
 I confefle farre vnworthy fo worthy a Patron in 
 
 refped of the fimple handling of fo excellent a 
 
 matter : But a playne ftile doth beft become 
 
 plaine truth, for a trifling fable hath moft neede 
 
 of a pleafant pen. Wherefore if it fhall pleafe 
 
 your Worfhip to efteeme of my fimple labour, 
 
 and to let this pafle vnder your fauorable pro- 
 
 tedlion, I fhall haue the end of my defire. And 
 
 refting thus in hope of your worfhips courtefie 
 
 I ceafe wifhing you all hearts content 
 
 in this life, and in the world to 
 
 come eternall felicitie. 
 
 Tour worjhips moft humblie affeSlionate : 
 
 r.D. 
 
To the Gentlemen Readers health. 
 
 Entkmen, I prefent you heere with the 
 mourning Jong of lerufalems Jorrow : 
 whoje deftruSiion was Prophefied by our 
 Lord lejus Chriji, while he lived among them : 
 notwithfianding they neither regarded, nor beleeved 
 his words. And after they had in the mallice of 
 their hearts, compaSi his death, and that the ludge 
 fought to cleare himfelfe of fo foule a crime: The 
 curjfed lewes cryed with one confent faying : his 
 blood be on vs and one our children. Which 
 wicked wijh of theirs the Lord brought to paffe 
 within a fhort time after, as in this following 
 Hiftorie you fhall perceiue. At what time both 
 Cittie and "Temple was brought to vtter con- 
 fufton : the mifery whereof was Jo extreame as 
 the like was never before, nor fince : And you 
 fhall perceiue that this deflruSlion came vpon them 
 in the time of their greatefi profperitie, when their 
 gould and Treafure mofl abounded, when pride 
 excelled, and that the people were bent to all 
 
8 TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS. 
 
 wantonnes. Such was their daintinejfe and deli- 
 
 cafie, that they could not devi/e, with what meate 
 
 they might befl pleaje their nice ftomacks, wifliing 
 
 for better bread then could be made of Wheate : 
 
 abufing in Juch fort, the blejjings of God (which 
 
 was in great abundance bejlowed vpon them) that 
 
 being glutted with to much wealth and plentie, 
 
 they loathed every thing that bore not an high 
 
 price ; cafiing Jcornefull eyes vpon Gods great 
 
 blejjings: but in reading this Hijlorie, you fhall 
 
 fee how Joone their Jlate was changed, and the great 
 
 plaugs that followed their pemjh and hatefull 
 
 pride : by whoje wofull fall, God graunt vi 
 
 and all Chrijiians to take example leajl 
 
 following them in the like finne, we 
 
 feele the like fmart. Vale. 
 
 Yours in all courtefie. T. D. 
 
A defcription of lerufalem and the Riches thereof. 
 
 Ike to a Mourner clad in dolefull 
 black, 
 That fadly fits to heare a heauie 
 tale: 
 ^ So muft my pen proceed to fliew 
 the wrack, 
 That did with terror Syon hill aflaile. 
 What time lerufalem that Cittie faire, 
 Was fieg'd and fackt by great Veffatians heire. 
 
 A noble lew Tofephus writes the ftorie^ 
 Of all the ftories euer yet recited, 
 Neuer could any make the mind more forie, 
 Than that which he fo dolefully indighted : 
 Which fetsin fight how for abhomination 
 That goodly Citty came to defolation. 
 
 In all the world the like might not be feene. 
 To this faire Citty famous to behold : 
 
10 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 A thoufand Towers flood there the flreetes between, 
 Whofe carued ftones great cunning did vnfold : 
 The buildings all, fo flately fine and rare. 
 That with lerufalem no place might compare. 
 
 In midfl whereof the glorious Temple flood. 
 Which Nehemia had fo faire eredted, 
 Whofe Timber worke was all of precious wood. 
 By Gods appointment wounderoufly eifedted : 
 Where all the People came with one accord, 
 And offered facrifice, vnto the Lord. 
 
 Three / flately walles begirt this Citty round. 
 Strongly raild vp of gallant fquared flone, 
 Vnpoflible in fight foes fliould them confound. 
 By warlike Engines seized there vpon. 
 
 The fpacious gates moft glorious to behold, 
 Were all gilt ouer, with rich burnifht gould. ' 
 
 And round about lerufalem likewife 
 Were pleafant walkes prepard for recreation. 
 Sweet daintie gardens feeding gazers eyes. 
 With workes of wonder and high admiration. 
 Where in the midfl of fweeteft fmelling flowers. 
 They built for pleafure, many pleafant bowers. 
 
 In treafures flore this Citty did excell. 
 
 For pompe and pride it was the onely place,- 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 
 
 In her alone did richeft Marchants dwell, 
 And famous Princes fprung of Royall race : 
 And fairer Dames did nature neuer frame, 
 Then in that Citty dwelt and thither came. 
 
 Chrifts Prophefie of the deftrudlion 
 
 of this Cittie and how it came to pajfe accordingly 
 
 withinForty yeares after, fhewing the caufe that 
 
 mooued the Emperour to come againft it. 
 
 OVr / Sauiour Chrift tracing the bordring hilles 
 When he on this faire Cittie caft his eye 
 The teares along his rofiall cheekes diftilles : 
 Mourning for their deftrudion drawing nie, 
 O leru/alem, lerufalem quoth hee, 
 My heart bewailes thy great calamitie. 
 
 The time fhall come and neere it is at hand. 
 When furious foes fhall trench thee round about. 
 And batter downe thy Towers that ftately ftand. 
 All thy ftrong holds within thee and without : 
 Thy golden buildings fhall they quite confound. 
 And make thee equal with the lowly ground. 
 
 O woe to them that then giues fucke he fayes. 
 And lulles their Infants on their tender knees, 
 
1 2 THE DESTR VCTION 
 
 More woe to them that be with child thofe dayes. 
 Wherein fhalbe fuch extreame miferyes : 
 
 Thou mightft haue fhund thefe plagues hadft 
 thou bin wife 
 
 Which now for finne is hidden from thy eyes. 
 
 This dreadfull Prophefie fpoken by our Lord, 
 The ftubborne people naught at all regarded, 
 Whofe Adamantine heartes did ftill accord. 
 To follow finne, which was with fhame rewarded : 
 They flouted him for telling of this ftorie. 
 And crucifide in Ipite the Lord of glorie. 
 
 Re / prochfully they fleeted in his face. 
 That wept for them in tender true compaflion. 
 They wrought his death and did him all difgrace. 
 That fought their life, and waild their defolation : 
 Their hardened heartes beleeu'd not what was 
 Vntill they faw the fiege about them layd. [faid. 
 
 Full fortie yeares after Chrifl:s paffion. 
 Did thefe proud people Hue in peace and refl:, 
 Whofe wanton eyes feeing no alteration, 
 Chrifts words of truth, they turned to a iefl : 
 
 But when they thought themfelues the furefl: of 
 Lo then began their neuer raifed fall. [all, 
 
OF IBR VSALEM. 13 
 
 Their mounting minds that towred paft their 
 Scorning fubiedion to the Romaine ftate [ftrength, 
 In boyling hatred loath'd their Lords at length, 
 Difpif d the Emperour with a deadly hate : 
 Reiedting his authoritie each howre, 
 Sought to expell the pride of forraine power. 
 
 Which foule contept the Emperours wrath inflam'd, 
 Mightie Vejpatian hot reueng did threat, 
 But all in vaine they would not be reclaim' d. 
 Relying on their ftrength and courage great : 
 And herevpon began the deadly iarre. 
 And after followed bloody wofull warre. 
 
 The / fignes and tokens (hewed before 
 
 the deJlruStiotiy alluring the lewes to repentance, 
 
 and their little regard thereof, interpreting 
 
 all things to be for the beft, flattering 
 
 themfelues in their Jinnes. 
 
 YEt marke the mercy of our gracious God, 
 Before the grieuous fcourge to them was fent. 
 That they might fhun his heauie fmarting rod 
 And hartely their filthy faultes repent : 
 
 Strange fignes and wonders did he fiiew them 
 Fore-runners of their ruine, woe, and ill. [ftill. 
 
14 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 For one whole yeare as well by day as night, 
 A blazing ftarre appeared in the fkie, 
 Whofe bufhie tayle was fo excelling, bright, 
 It dim'd the glory of the funns faire eye, 
 And euery one that on this obied gazed. 
 At fight thereof ftood wonderous fore amazed. 
 
 In right proportion it refembled well, 
 A fharp two edged fword of mighty ftrength. 
 The percing poynt a needle did excell, 
 And fure it feem'd a miracle for length : 
 So ftrange a ftarre before was neuer feene. 
 And fince that time the like hath neuer been. 
 
 And / ouer right that goodly famous Cittie, 
 
 Hung ftill this dreadfull apparition, 
 
 Which might haue mou'd had they bin gracious 
 witty, 
 
 For outward follies, inward hearts contrition : 
 And neuer did that wonder change his place. 
 But ftill lerujalem with woe menace. 
 
 The wondring people neuer lookt thereon. 
 But their miftrufting heart fufpedted much. 
 Saying great plagues would follow therevpon, 
 Such priuie motions did their confcience touch ; 
 But other-fome would fay it was not fo. 
 But figne that they their foes would ouerthrow. 
 
OF lER VSA LEM. 1 5 
 
 Thinke not quoth they that Jacobs God will leaue. 
 The blefled feed of Abraham in diftreffe ; 
 Firft fhall his Sword the heathens hues bereaue. 
 As by this token he doth plaine expreffe, 
 His fierie fword fhall fliield this holy towne, 
 And heaw in heapes the proudeft Romains 
 downe. 
 
 Thus flattered they themfelues in finfull fort. 
 Their harts were hard, their deepeft iudgmets 
 What godly teachers did to them report, [blinded 
 They foone forgot, fuch things they neuer minded : 
 Their chiefefl: ftudy was delight and pleafure. 
 And how they might by all meanes gather 
 treafure. 
 
 Men / would haue thought this warning had bin 
 
 faire, 
 When God his ftandard gainft them did aduance. 
 His flag of Iufl:ice waued in the ayre, 
 And yet they count it, but a thing of chance : 
 This bad them yeild, and from their, finnes 
 
 conuart, 
 But they would not till forrow made them 
 fmart. 
 
 Then in the ayre God fliewed another wonder. 
 When azurd flcies were brighteft faire and cleere, 
 
1 6 THE DESTR VCTJON 
 
 An hoaft of armed men, like dreadfull thunder. 
 With hidious clamours, fighting did appeare : 
 And at each other eagerly they ran, 
 With burnifht Falchions murdering many a man. 
 
 And marching fiercely in their proud aray. 
 Their wrathfull eyes did fparkle like the fier. 
 Or like inraged Lyons for their pray, ' 
 
 So did they ftriue, in nature and defire : 
 
 That all the plaine wherein they fighting flood, 
 Seem'd to mens fight all ftaind with purple 
 blood. 
 
 This dreadfull token many men amazed : 
 When they beheld the vncouth fight fo flrange. 
 On one another doubtfully they gazed. 
 With fearefull lookes their coulour quite did change : 
 Yet all, they did interpret to the beft. 
 Thinking themfelues aboue all others bleft. 
 
 The / conquering fort that did with warlike hand, 
 Supprefl"e the other in the bloudy field. 
 Declares quoth they that ludaes facred band 
 Shall make vnhallowed Romaines die or yeeld : 
 And ouer them we fhall haue hoaour great, 
 That proudly now vfurpes King Dauids feat. 
 
 See how the Diuell doth finfuU foules beguile. 
 Filling the fame with vaine imagination. 
 
OF lER VSALEM. 17 
 
 Thinking themfelues cock-fure, when al the while, 
 They ftand vpon the brink of defolation : 
 All faithful! Chriftians warning take by this. 
 Interpret not Gods fearefuU fignes amifle. 
 
 Yet loe the Lord would not giue ouer fo. 
 But to conuert them, if that it might bee, 
 Hee doth proceed more wonders yet to fhow. 
 All to reclayme them from iniquitie : 
 
 That fo he might remoue his plagues away, 
 Which threatned their deftrudlion euery day. 
 
 The Temple gates all made of fhining brafle, 
 Whofe maflie fubftance was exceeding great. 
 Which they with yron barres each night did crofle. 
 And lockt with brazen bolts, which made themfweat. 
 Did of themfelues ftart open and vndoe. 
 Which twenty men of might could fcant put to. 
 
 Vpon / a day moil high and feftiuall. 
 The high Prieft went after a facred manner. 
 Into the glorious Temple moft maieflicall. 
 To offer facrifice their God to honour : 
 
 What time the Lord a wonder did declare. 
 To all mens fight, prodigious, ftrange, and rare, 
 
 A goodly Calfe prepar'd for facrifice 
 And layd vpon the holy Alter there, 
 
 D. I. 2 
 
1 8 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 Brought forth a Lamhe moft plaine before their eyes, 
 Which filled fome mens hearts with fodaine feare : 
 And fore perplext the pafTions of their mind. 
 To fee a thing fo farre againft all kind. 
 
 Soone after this they heard a wailefuU voice. 
 Which in the Temple fhreeking thus did fay. 
 Let vs go hence, and no man heere reioyce : 
 Thus figuring foorth their ruine and decay, 
 All men did heare thefe fpeeches very plaine. 
 But faw nothing, nor knew from whence it came. 
 
 And foure yeares fpace before the bloody fight. 
 One Ananias had a youthful! fonne. 
 Which like a Prophet cried day and night 
 About the flreetes as he did go and runne : 
 Shewing the people without dread at all, 
 Moft wo full plagues ftiould on the Cittie fall. 
 
 And / in this fort began his dolefull cry : 
 A fearefull voyce proceedeth from the Eaft, 
 And from the Weft, as great a voyce did fly, 
 A voyce likewife from bluftering winds addreft : 
 A voyce vpon lerufalem ftiall goe, 
 A voyce vpon the Temple full of woe. 
 
 A mournefull voyce on wretched man and wife, 
 A voyce of forrow on the people all. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 19 
 
 Woe and deftruftion, mortall war and ftrife, 
 Bitter pinching famine, mifery and thrall : 
 In euery place thefe threatnings ftill he had, 
 Running about like one diftraught and mad. 
 
 With lofty voyce thus ran he through the towne, 
 Nor day and night did he his clamours ceafe. 
 No man could make him lay thefe threatnings 
 By no intreaty would he hould his peace : [downe 
 Although he was in Dungeon deeply layd, 
 Yet there his cryes did make them more afraid. 
 
 The Maieftrates that moft forbad his crie : 
 And faw his bouldnefle more and more arife. 
 With grieuous fcourges whipt him bitterly. 
 Yet came no teares out of his pleafant eyes : 
 
 The more his ftripes, the higher went his voyce. 
 In foreft torment did he moft reioyce. 
 
 But / when the lewes perceau'd how he was bent. 
 And that their eares were cloyed with his cries. 
 They counted it but fportfuU merriment. 
 A nine dayes wonder that in ftiort time dyes : 
 So that afrefh their follies they begin, 
 And for his fpeech they pafled not a pin. 
 
 But as the holy Scriptures doe bewray. 
 To dainty cheere they iocundly fat downe. 
 
20 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 And well refrefht, they rofe againe to play, 
 In fmiling fort when God did fircely frowne : 
 And neuer more to mirth were they difpofed, 
 Then when the Lord his wrath to them difclofed. 
 
 ^P ^p ^P ^P ^P ^P ^P ^p ^p ^p ^p ^p ^p ^P ^p ^p ^p ^p ^p ^p 
 
 i[ 'The tydings brought of the enimies approach, 
 and the feare of the citizens : their provijio of 
 viStuals for twenty yeares burnt in one night, by one 
 of their owne captaines, of meere malice, which 
 caufed a Jodaine dearth to follow : their feditio 
 and diuifio betweene thefelues while the cittie was 
 befieged. 
 
 BVt whilft that they their fugred lunkets tafted, 
 Vnto the Citty came a tyred poft. 
 Full weake and wearie, and with trauell wafted. 
 Who brought the word their foes were on their 
 coaft: 
 Which when they knew, their merriments were 
 
 daihed, 
 Thefe dolefuU newes made them full fore 
 abafhed. 
 
 Three / Cipres Tables then to ground they throw. 
 Their filuer difhes, and their cups of gould. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 21 
 
 For hafte to meet the proud inuading foe, 
 Feare makes them mad, but courage makss the 
 bould : 
 And to defend the brunt of future harmes. 
 They leaue their Ladies and imbrace their 
 Armes. 
 
 Inftead of Lutes and fweete refounding Vials, 
 They found the Trumpet and the rathng drum, 
 Their barbed Steeds they put to diuers tryals. 
 How they can manage, ftop, carrie, and run : 
 Their cunning harpers now muft harnefle beare, 
 Their nimble dauncers war-like weapons weare. 
 
 But ere their wrathfull foes approached neere, 
 The ftore-houfes the Gouernors did fill. 
 With wholfome victuals which for twenty yeare 
 Would ferue two hundred thoufand caft by bill, 
 But all the fame by one feditious Squire 
 Was in one night confum'd with flaming fire. 
 
 For why the Cittizens to difcord fell, 
 So giddy headed were they alwaies found, 
 And in their rage like furious fiends of hell. 
 In murdering fort they did each other wound : 
 And when they entred in this diuellifh ftrife. 
 They (pared neither Infant, man, nor wife. 
 
22 THE DESTRVCIION 
 
 Into / three parts the people were deuided. 
 And one againft an other hatred bore. 
 The chiefeft fort fedicioufly were guided. 
 Whereby vnciuell mutines vext them fore : 
 So that the forrow of the forreine warre 
 Was nothing to their bloody ciuill iarre. 
 
 And fo malicious did their rancor rife. 
 
 That they the holy Temple did defile^ 
 
 All fuch as came to offer facrifice. 
 
 They murdered ftraight, remorce they did exile : 
 
 The Sacrificer with the facrifice. 
 
 Both bath'd in blood, men faw before their eyes. 
 
 Thus did they make the facred Temple there 
 The flaughter houfe of many a humane foule. 
 So that the marble pauement euery where, 
 // Was blacke with blood like to a butchers bowle : 
 And with the fat of men fo flippery made. 
 That there for falling, none could goe vnftayd. 
 
 And by this wicked meanes it came to pafle. 
 The ftreets and temple full of dead-men lay. 
 With wounds putrified, where buriall was. 
 Which raif 'd a grieuous peftilence that day : 
 So hot, and fell, that thereof dyed a number, 
 Whofe foule infedtion all the towne did 
 cumber. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 23 
 
 And / that which was more heauie to behold. 
 As men and woemen paft along the ftreet : 
 Their weeping eyes did to their hearts vnfold, 
 A mappe of Murder at their trembling feete : 
 Some faw their Fathers fetching deadly groanes. 
 Some their Hufbands braines fcattered on the 
 ftoes. 
 
 Here lay a woman ftabbed to the heart. 
 There a tender Infant one a fouldiers fpeare, 
 Strugling with death, and fprawling with each part : 
 The channels ran with purple blood each wheare, 
 A thoufand perfons might you daily fee, 
 Some gafping, groaning, bleeding frefh to bee. 
 
 Lo all this mifchiefe was within the towne 
 Wrought twixt thefelues in wonderous hatefull fort. 
 While noble l!ytus beat their bulwarkes downe. 
 And at their walles did fhew them warlike fport : 
 But by diftrefle to bring them vnto thrall. 
 He brake their pipes, and ftopt their cundits all. 
 
 i^w^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 
 
24 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 % A defcrip / tion of the horrible Famine within 
 the Cittie of lerujalem. 
 
 FOr true report rung in his royall eares, 
 That bitter Famine did afflia them fore, 
 Which was the caufe of many bitter teares. 
 And he to make their miferie the more, 
 Depriu'd them quit of all their water cleere. 
 Which in their want they did efteeme fo deere. 
 
 Alack, what pen is able to exprefle ? 
 The extreame miferie of this people then ? 
 Which were with Famine brought to great diftrefle. 
 For cruell hunger vext the wealthieft men : 
 
 When night approacht, well might they lye & 
 winke. 
 
 But cold not fleepe for want of meat and drinke. 
 
 For by this time full Fourteene monthes and more, 
 Had warlike "Titus fieg'd that famous towne. 
 What time the lewes had quite confum'd their ftore. 
 And being ftaru'd, like Ghofts went vp and downe : 
 For in the markets were no vidtuals found. 
 Though for a Lambe, they might haue twenty 
 pound. 
 
 When / bread was gone, then was he counted, bleft, 
 That in his hand had either cat or dogge. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 25 
 
 To fill his emptie maw : and thus diftreft, 
 A dozen men would fight for one poore frogge : 
 The faireft Lady lighting one a mouce, 
 Would keepe it from her beft friend in the 
 houfe. 
 
 A weazell was accounted daynty meate, 
 
 A hiffmg fnake efteem'd a Princes diih, 
 
 A (^ueene vpon a moule might feeme to eate, 
 
 A veanom neawt was thought a wholefome fifh : 
 
 Wormes from the earth, were dig'd vp great 
 & fmall, 
 
 And poyfoned fpiders eaten from the wall. 
 
 A hundred men vnder this grieuous crofTe, 
 With hunger-ftarued bodies wanting food, 
 Haue for a morfell of a ftinking horfe, 
 In deadly fl:rife, fhed one anothers blood : 
 
 Like famifht Rauens, that in a fliole doe pitch. 
 To feaze a caryon in a noyfome ditch. 
 
 But when thefe things, were all confumed quite, 
 (For Famines greedy mawe deftroyeth all) 
 Then did they bend, their fl:udy day and night, 
 To fee what next vnto their fhare might fall : 
 Neceflitie doth feele an hundred wayes. 
 Famines fell torment from the heart to rayfe. 
 
26 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 Then / did they take their horfes leather raignes. 
 And broyling them fuppof'dthe wonderousfweete: 
 A hungry ftomack naught at all refraines : 
 Nor did they ipare their fhooes vpon their feete : 
 But fliooes, and bootes, and bufkins, all they eate, 
 And would not {pare one morfell of their 
 meate. 
 
 But out alas my heart doth fhake to fhow, [made, 
 When thefe things fail'd, what fhift thefe wretches 
 Without fait teares how fhould I write their woe, 
 Sith forrowes ground- worke in the fame is layd : 
 All Englifh hearts which Chrift in armes doe hem 
 Marke well the woes of fayre lerujakm. 
 
 When all was ipent, and nothing left to eate. 
 Whereby they might maintaine their feeble life. 
 Then doth the wife her hulband deere intreat. 
 To end her mifery by his wounding knife : 
 
 Maides weepe for foode & children make their 
 
 mone, 
 Their parents figh when they can giue them 
 none. 
 
 Some men with hunger falleth raging mad. 
 Gnawing the ftones and timber where they walke. 
 
OF lER VSALEM. 27 
 
 Some other ftaggering, weake and wonderous fad. 
 Dyes in the ftreetes, as with their friends they 
 
 And othfer fome licks vp the vomit faft, [talke ? 
 
 Which their fick neighbours in their houfes caft. 
 
 Nay / more then this, though this be all to much, 
 lojephus writes, that men and maidens young 
 The which of late did fcorne brown-bread to touch, 
 Suftain'd themfelues with one an others doong. 
 Remember this you that fo dainty bee, 
 And praife Gods name for all things fent to thee. 
 
 All things were brought by famine out of frame. 
 For modeft Chaftitie to it gaue place. 
 High honoured Virgins that for very Ihame, 
 Would hardly looke on men with open face, 
 One bit of bread neuer fo courfe and browne. 
 Would winne them to the fouleft knaue in towne. 
 
 I 
 
 •f-OOOOOOOOOOOC^^C^OO* 
 
28 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 ^ The feditious Captaines Schimion & lehocand. 
 fearch all the houfes in the Citty for VrSiuals, they 
 take from a noble Lady all her prouifton, leauing 
 her and her Sonne comfortlejfe, Jhewing the great 
 moane Jhe made. 
 
 THe curft feditious Captaines and their crue. 
 When they perceiu'd the famine grow fo 
 great, 
 In all mens houfes would they fearch, and view. 
 In euery corner both for bread and meat: 
 If any did their bould requeft denie. 
 On murdering fwords they were right fure to 
 dye. 
 
 Ahiong / the reft where they a fearching went, 
 Vnto a gallant Ladyes houfe they came. 
 And there before her vi6tuals quite was fpent, 
 With hardened hearts, and faces void of ftiame : 
 They tooke her ftore with many a bitter threat, 
 And left her not one bit of bread to eate. 
 
 The noble Lady on her tender knees. 
 With floods of teares diftilling from her eyes. 
 Their crueltie when fhe fo plainely fees. 
 In mournefull fort vnto them thus fhe cries : 
 Vpon a wofull Lady take fome pittie, 
 And let not famine flay me in this Cittie. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 29 
 
 Of all the ftore which you haue tooke away, 
 Leaue on browne loafe, for my poore child and me : 
 That we may eat but one bit in a day. 
 To faue our Hues from extreame mifery. 
 Thus holding vp her lillie hands fhe cried. 
 The more fhe crau'd the more fhe was denied. 
 
 If you quoth fhe cannot afford me bread, 
 '^ One dried flock^-fifh doe one me beflow. 
 For my poore Infants life I greatly dread. 
 If thus diflreft you leaue me when you goe : 
 Braue men of might, fhew pittie for his fake. 
 And I thereof a thoufand meales will make. 
 
 O call / to minde my childe is nobly borne. 
 Of honorable blood and high degree : 
 Then leaue vs not braue Captaines thus forlorne, 
 Your countries friend one day this child may bee : 
 
 let me not this gentle fauour miffe, 
 
 1 may one day requite far more then this. 
 
 Then anfwered they in harfh and churlifh fort. 
 Tut tell not vs of honourable ftate. 
 And if thou wilt we'l cut thy Infants throat. 
 So fhall he neede no meate : then ceafe to prate : 
 
 Men mufl haue meate, let children dye and 
 ftarue, 
 
 Yf we want foode, in warres how can we ferue. 
 
30 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 With bended browes they ftroue to get away, 
 But flie vpon her knees did follow faft. 
 And taking hould on their confuf'd aray. 
 This fad complaint from her hearts pallace paft : 
 Renouned Lords, our Citties fure defence, 
 O let me fpeake once more, ere you go hence. 
 
 Yf you lack money, fee I haue good ftore, 
 Wherein great Cefars Image is portrayde. 
 Therefore of gift, I will demaund no more. 
 To buy me fome foode, let me not be denayd. 
 For fiue red herrings, ten Crownes fhall you haue, 
 He pay it downe, with vantage if you craue. 
 
 That / damned coyne quoth they wee doe deteft. 
 And therewithall thy felfe, which all this while. 
 Haft kept our foes foule pidlure in thy cheft. 
 Which feekes this holy Citty to defile : 
 
 Thou getft no foode, and therefore hold thy 
 
 tounge. 
 Hang, ftarue, & dye, thou canft not dye more 
 young. 
 
 O pardon yet (quoth fhe) my earneft fpeech. 
 Doe not my words to poyfon fo conuert. 
 
OP lERVSALEM. 31 
 
 Take heere my chaine, I humbly doe befeech. 
 Of pearle and Diamonds for one filly fprat : 
 One fprat (fweete men) caft vpon the ground. 
 For this faire chayne, which coft a thoufand 
 pound. 
 
 Talke not to vs, quoth they of lems and chaines, 
 Of Diamonds, Pearls, or precious rings of Gould, 
 One {prat to vs is fweeter gotten gaines. 
 Then fo much filuer, as this houfe can hold : 
 
 Gould is but drofle, where hunger is fo great, / 
 Hard hap hath hee, that hath but gould to eate. \ 
 
 With that the teftie Souldiers get them out, 
 Proud of the purchaft pray which they had got. 
 The woefuU Ladye did they mocke and flout. 
 Her plaints and teares regarding not a iott : 
 
 Shee fighes, they fmile, fhe mournes, and they 
 reioyce, 
 
 And of their pray they make an equall choyce. 
 
 But / Megar famine couetous of all 
 Enuying thofe that fliould thereof haue part. 
 In fharing out their purchafTe bread a brawle. 
 Wherein one ftabd the other to the heart : 
 This fellow faid the other did deceiue him, 
 He fwore againe enough they did not leaue him. 
 
32 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 Lo thus about the viftuals they did fight, 
 Looke who was ftrongeft bore away the prize, 
 And for a cruft of bread, in dead of night, 
 They cut their Fathers throats in wofuU wife : 
 The mother would her childrens viduals fnatch, 
 And from his wife, the hufband he did catch. 
 
 f How the noble Lady and her young Sonne went to 
 \Jeeke\ out the dung of beafts to eate, being ready 
 to dye with hunger, and could finde none : /hewing 
 what moane they made comming home without. 
 
 BVt now of Miriams forrow will I fpeake. 
 Whom the feditious Souldiers fo diftreft. 
 Her noble heart with grife was like to breake. 
 No kind of foode had fhe, then to reliue her. 
 With gnawing hunger was fhe, fore oppreft 
 Nor for her child, which moftof all didgrieueher. 
 
 Alas, quoth ihee that euer I was borne. 
 To fee thefe gloomie daies of griefe and care, 
 Whome this falfe world hath made an open fcorne, 
 Fraught full of miferie pafling all compare 
 Bleft had I been if in the painefull birth, 
 I had receiu'd fweete fentence of my death. 
 
OF lER VSALEM. 33 
 
 Why hath the. partial! heauens prolong'd my life, 
 Aboue g. number of my deereft friends, 
 Whofe blefled fouks did neuer fee the ftrife ? 
 How happy were they, in their happy ends : 
 
 Great God oi Abraham heare my mournefull crie, 
 Soone rid my life, or end this miferie. 
 
 With that her little fonne with eager looke, 
 Vnto his wofull mother crying came, 
 His pretty hands faft holde vpon her tooke, 
 Whofe prefe'nce brought her praying out of frame : 
 And to his Mother thus the child did fay, 
 Giue mee fome meate, that eat nothing to day. 
 
 I am (deere Mother) hungry at the heart. 
 And fcalding thirft, makes me I cannot fpeake, 
 I feele my ftrength decay in euery part, 
 One bit of bread, for me good Mother breake : 
 My lefTon I.haue learnd, where you did lay it, 
 Then giue me fome-what. : you fliall heere me 
 fay it 
 
 The / fighing Ladie looking quite a-fide. 
 With many fobs fent from her wofull foule, 
 Wroung both her hands, but not one word replide: 
 Sighes ftopt her' toung, teares did her tongue 
 cotroul, 
 Sw.eete Lady mother, mother fpeake (quoth he?"' 
 O let me not with hunger murdered, bee. 
 D. I. 3 
 
34 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 Deere child fhe faid, what wouldft thou haue of me "? 
 Art thou a thirft, then come and drinke my teares. 
 For other fuccour haue I none for thee : 
 The time hath been, I could haue giuen thee peares: 
 Rofe. coulered apples, cherries for my child. 
 But now alas, of all wee are beguild. 
 
 But come quoth fhe, giue me thy little finger, 
 And thou and I will to the back-yard goe. 
 And there feeke out a Cow-cake for thy dinner: 
 How faift thou fonne art thou contented lb ? 
 The ioyfull child did hereat giue a fmile. 
 When both his eyes with water ran the while. 
 
 Then vp and downe with warie fearching eye, 
 In euery place for beads dung doth fhe feeke. 
 As if a long loft lewell there did lye, 
 Clofe hidden in fome narrow chink or creeke : 
 When fhe lookt and nought at all had found. 
 Then downe fhe coucheth on the fluttifh ground. 
 
 And / with her faire white fingers fine and fmall. 
 She fcrapes away the duft and drafFe togeather. 
 And fo does fearch through out the Oxes flail. 
 For dung or hoofes, or fome old peece of leather : 
 But when in vaine her paines fhe did beftow. 
 She paid her heart the intereft of her woe. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 35 
 
 And lifting vp with forow her bright eyes. 
 She cald her litde Sonne to come away, 
 Who fought as faft for fpiders, wormes and flies, 
 As fhe for Ordure mongft the mouldy hay. 
 O ftay a while good mother did he cry, 
 For heere euen now I did a maggot fpie. 
 
 At which fweete fight my teeth did water yet : 
 Euen as you cald, fhe fell her in the duft, 
 An hower were well fpent, this prize to get. 
 To let her flip, I thinke I was accurfl: : 
 
 My hungry fl:omacke, well it would haue fl:ayd, 
 And I haue lofl: her I am fore affraid. 
 
 I, I, my Sonne, it may be fo (quoth fliee,) 
 Then come away : let vs togeather dye. 
 Our lucklefl"e fliarres alotg it fo to be : 
 Peace my fweete boy, alack why dofl: thou cry? 
 Had I found any thing, thou fliouldft haue feen. 
 That therewithal! we would haue merry been. 
 
 Then / be thou fl:ill (my fonne) and weepe no more, 
 For with my teares, thou kilfl: my wounded heart. 
 Thy neede is great, my hunger is as fore. 
 Which grieues my foule, and pinches euery part : 
 Yet hope of helpe alack I know not any. 
 Without, within, our foes they are fo many. 
 
36 THE DESTRVCTION: 
 
 Deare mother heare me one word and no moe, 
 See heere my foote fo flender in your fight, 
 Giue me but leaue to eate my little toe, 
 No better fupper will I alke to night : 
 
 Or elfe my thumbe : a morfell fmall you fee. 
 And thefe two ioynts, me thinks may fpared be. 
 
 My fonne quoth fhe great are thy cares God wot, 
 To haue thy hungry ftomack fil'd with food. 
 Yet all be it we haue fo hard a lot 
 Difmember not thy felfe for any good : 
 
 No brutifh beaft, will doe fo foule a deede. 
 Then doe not thou gainft nature fo proceed. 
 
 But O my fonne, what fhall I doe quoth fhe ? 
 My griefe of hunger is as great as thine, 
 And fure no hope of comfort doe I fee, 
 But we muft yeild ourfelues to ftarue and pine : 
 The wrath of God doth fiege the Citty round, 
 And we within fell famine doth confound. 
 
 The / fword without, intends our defolation, 
 Confuming peftilence deftroyeth heere within, 
 Ciuell diflention breedes our hearts vexation. 
 The angry heauens, the fame hath fent for finne. 
 Murders, and ruine through our ftreetes, doe run 
 Then how can I feede thee, my louing fonne } 
 
OF lEMVSALEM. 37 
 
 Yf pale, fac't famine take away my life, 
 Why then, with whome fhould 1 truft thee my fonne 
 For heer's no loue, but hate and deadly ftrife : 
 Woe is that child, whofe. parents dayes are done : 
 One thee fweete boy no perfon would take pittyj 
 For milde compaffion, hath forfooke the citty. 
 
 Once I retaynd, this ioyfuU hope of thee. 
 When ripened yeares, brought thee to mans eftate. 
 That thou fhouldft be a comfort vnto me, 
 Feeding my age, when youthfull ftrength'did bate: 
 
 And haue my meate, my drinke and cloth of thee. 
 
 Fit for a Lady of fo high degree. 
 
 And when the fpan length, of my -life was done. 
 That God, and nature, claim'd of me their due. 
 My hope was then, that thou my louing Sonne, 
 In Marble ftone, my memorie fhould renew : 
 And bring my corpes, with honour to the graue : 
 • The lateft dutie, men of children craue. 
 
 But / now I fee (my fweete and bonny boy) 
 This hope is fruitleffe, and thefe thoughts are vaine, 
 I fee grim death, hath feaz'd my earthly ioy. 
 For famines dart hath thee already flaine : 
 
 Thy hollow eyes and wrinckled cheekes declare. 
 Thou art not markt, to be thy Fathers heire. 
 
38 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 Looke on thy legges, fee all thy flefh is gone, 
 Thy iollie thighes, are fallen quite away. 
 Thy armes and handes, nothing but fkin, and bone. 
 How weake thy heart is, thou thy felfe canft fay : 
 I haue no foode, to ftrengthen thee (my child,) 
 And heere thy buriall would be too too vilde. 
 
 Wherefore my Sonne leaft vgly Rauens and Crowes, 
 Should eate thy carcaffe in the ftincking ftreetes. 
 Thereby to be a fcorne vnto our foes. 
 And gaule to me, that gaue thee many fweets : 
 I haue prepaird, this my vnfpotted wombe. 
 To be for thee an honourable Tombe. 
 
 Then fith thou canft not Hue to be a man, 
 "What time thou mightft haue fed thy aged mother. 
 Therefore my child it lyes thee now vpon, 
 To be my foode; becaufe I haue no other : 
 
 With my o[w]ne blood, long time I nouriftit thee, 
 Then with thy flefh, thou oughtft to cherifh mee./ 
 
 Within this wombe thou firft receiuedft breath. 
 Then giue thy mother, that which ftiee gaue thee. 
 Here hadft thou life, then lye here after death, 
 Sith thou hadft beene, fo welbeloude of me : 
 In fpite of foes, be thou my dayly food. 
 And faue my life, that can doe thee no good. 
 
OF IBR VSALEM. 39 
 
 In bleffed Eden (hall thy foule remaine, 
 While that my belly is thy bodyes graue, 
 There, is no tafte of famine woe or [..laine 
 But ioyes eternall, more then heart can craue : 
 Then who would wifh, in forrow to perfeuer. 
 That by his death might liue in heauen for euer. 
 
 The Lady with hunger is conftrayned to kill her 
 
 heft beloued and onely Sonne, and eate him : 
 
 who/e.. body /he roafied. 
 
 WHen this was faid, her feeble child fhe tooke. 
 And with a fword which fhe had lying by. 
 She thruft him through, turning away her looke. 
 That her wet eyes might not behold him die : 
 And when fweete life was from his body fled, 
 A thoufand times fhe kifl him being dead. 
 
 His / milke white body fl:aind with purple blood, 
 She clenfd and wafht with filuer dropping teares. 
 Which being done, fhe wipte it as fhe flood. 
 With nothing elfe, but her faire golden haires : 
 And when fhe faw, his litle lims were cold. 
 She cut him vp, for hunger made her bold. 
 
40 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 In many peeces did fhe then deuide him, 
 Some part fhe fod, fome other part fhe rofted. 
 Fro neighbours fight fhe made great fhift to hide him. 
 And of her cheere, in heart fhe greatly bofled : 
 Ere it was ready, fhe began to eate, 
 And from the fpit, pluckt many bits of.mcate. 
 
 
 The fmell of the meate is felt round about : the 
 
 feditious Captaine\/\ therevpon came to the Lady, 
 
 and threatens to kill her for meate. 
 
 Where vpon the IJsAy Jets part 
 
 before them. 
 
 THe fent thereof was flrraight fmelt round about. 
 The neighbour [s], then out of their houfes ran. 
 Saying, we fmell roaft-meat out of all doubt, 
 Which was great wonder vnto euery man : 
 And euery one like to a longing wife. 
 In that good cheer did wifh his fharpefl knife. 
 
 This / newes fo fwift, in each mans mouth did flie : 
 The proud feditious, heard thereof at lafl. 
 Who with all fpeed, vnto the hbufe did hye. 
 And at the doores and windowes knocked fafl : 
 And with vilde words & fpeeches rough and great. 
 They afkt the Lady where fhe had that meat. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 41 
 
 Thou wicked woman how comes this quoth they ? 
 
 That thou alone haft roaft-meat in the towne ? 
 
 While we with griping famine dye each day. 
 
 Which are your Lords, and leaders of renowne : 
 For this contempt, we thinke it right and reafon, 
 Thou fhouldft be punifht as in cafe of treafon. 
 
 The louely Lady trembling at their fpeech. 
 Fearing their bloody hands and cruell adtions. 
 With many gentle words did them befeech. 
 They would not enter into further faftions : 
 But liften to her words and fhe would tell, 
 The certaine truth how euery thing befell. 
 
 Be not ftie faid, at your poore hand-maid grieued, 
 I haue not eaten all in this hard cafe. 
 But that your felues might fomething be relieued, 
 I haue kept part to giue you in this place : 
 
 Then fit you downe, right-welcome fhall you be. 
 And what I haue, your felues ftiall taft and fee. 
 
 With / diligence the Table then ftie layde. 
 And filuer trenchers, on the boord fhe fet, 
 A golden fait, that many ounces wayde. 
 And Damafk napkins, dainty, fine, and neate : 
 Her guefts were glad to fe this preparation. 
 And at the boord they fat with contentation.^ 
 
42 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 In maffie filuer platters brought flie forth 
 Her owne Sonnes flefh whom fhe did loue fo deere, 
 Saying my maifters take this well in worth, 
 I pray be merry : looke for no other cheere : 
 See heremychilds white hand, moft finely dreft. 
 And here his foote, eate where it likes you beft. 
 
 And doe not fay this child was any others. 
 But my owne Sonne : whom you fo well did know, 
 Which may feeme ftrange, vnto all tender Mothers, 
 My owne childes flefh, I fhould deuoure fo : 
 Him did I beare, and carefully did feed. 
 And now his flefh fuflaines me in my need. 
 
 Yet allbeit this fweet relieuing feaft, 
 
 Hath dearefl beene to me that ere I made, 
 
 Yet niggardi'ze 1 doe fo much detefl:, 
 
 I thought it fhame, but there fhould fome be layde. 
 In ftore for you : although the ftore be fmall. 
 For they are gluttons which confumeth all. 
 
 Herewith / fhe burft into a flood of teares, 
 Which downe her thin pale cheekes diftilled fafl: : 
 Her bleeding heart, no fobs nor fighes forbeares, 
 Till her weake voyce breath'd out thefe words at laft: 
 O my deere Sonne, my pretty boy (quoth fhe) 
 While thou didft hue, how fweet waft thou to me.? 
 
OF lER VSA LEM. 43 
 
 Yet fweeter farre, a thoufand times thou art, 
 To thy poore mother, at this inftant howre. 
 My hungry ftomake haft thou eaf 'd of fmart, 
 And kept me from the bloody Tyrants power. 
 And they like friends doe at my table eat. 
 That would haue kild me for a bit of meate. 
 
 When this was faid, wiping her watery eyes, 
 Vnto her felf, frefti courage then fhe tooke. 
 And all her guefts, fhe welcom'd in this wife, 
 Cafting on them a courteous pleafant looke : 
 Be mery friends, I pray you doe not fpare. 
 In all this towne, is not fuch noble fare. 
 
 The / Captaines and their company were fo amazed 
 
 at fight of the childs limbes being by his mother fet vpon 
 
 the table in platters, that wondring thereat, they 
 
 would not eat a bite, for the which the Lady 1 
 
 reproues them, 
 
 THe men amazed at this vncouth fight. 
 One to another caft a fteadfaft eye, [fpight 
 Their hard remorceleffe hearts full fraught with 
 Were herewithall appalled fodenly. [great. 
 
 And though their extreame hunger was full 
 Like fencelefle men they fat and would not eate. 
 
44 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 Oh why quoth ihe doe you refraine this food, 
 I brought it forth vnto you for good will. 
 Then fcorhe it not (deere friends) for it is good : 
 And I euen now did thereof eate my fill : 
 Taft it therefore and I dare fweare you'l fay. 
 You eat no meate, more fweete this many a day. 
 
 Hard hearted woman, cruell and vnkind 
 Canft thou (quoth they) fo frankly feed of this ? 
 A thing more hatefull did wee neuer finde, 
 Then keepe it for thy tooth, loe there it is. 
 Moft wild and odious is it in our eye, 
 Then feed on mans fleih, rather would wee dye. 
 
 Alack / quoth fhe, doth foolifh pity mooue ye. 
 Weaker then a womans, is your hearts become "i 
 1 pray fall too, and if that you doe loue me, 
 Eate where you will, and ile with, you eat fome. 
 What greater fhame to Gaptaines can befall. 
 Then I in courage fhould furpafle you all. 
 
 Why, waft not you, that did with many a threate. 
 Charge me with eager lopkes to lay the cloth : 
 And as I lou'd my life to bring you meate. 
 And now to eate it doe you feeme fo loath ? 
 
 More fit I fhould, then you, heerewith be moued 
 Since twas his flefh whom I fo deerly loued. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 45 
 
 It was my fonne and not yours that is flaine, 
 Whofe roaftedjimbes. lies here within the platter : 
 Then more then you I ought his flefli refraine. 
 Arid ten times more be greeued at this matter: 
 How chance you are more mercifull then I, 
 To fpare. his flefh, while you for hunger dye ? 
 
 Yet blame riot me for this putragious deed. 
 For waft not you that firft did fpoyle my houfe ? 
 Arid rob me of my food in my great need, 
 Leauing not behind, a ratt or filly moufe : 
 Then you alone are authors of this feaft, 
 -What need you then this aftion fo deteft ? 
 
 The / ftarued lewes hearing this dolefuU tale, 
 Were at the matter fmitten in fuch fadneffe. 
 That man by man with vifage wan and pale, 
 Drbpt out of dores, accufing her of madriefl"e. 
 And noting well, their famine, warre and ftrife, 
 Wifht rather death, than length of mortall life. 
 
 And hereupon, much people of the Citty, 
 Fled to the Romaines fecret in the night, 
 Vpon their knees defiring them for pitty 
 To faue their liues that were in wbfull plight : 
 And finding mercie, tolde when that was done. 
 How famine forc't a Lady eate her Sonne. 
 
46 THE DESTR VCTION 
 
 Tytus the Romaine Generall wept at the report of 
 
 the famine in lerufalem, efpecially when he heard 
 
 of the Mother that did eate her Childe. 
 
 '"I"* He Romaine Generall hearing of the fame 
 X. Tytus I meane, Vejpajians famous Sonne, 
 So grieu'd thereat, that griefe did teares conftraine, 
 Which downe his manly cheekes did ftreaming runne 
 And holding vp to heauen his hands and eyes 
 To this efFed, vnto the Lord he cries. 
 
 [round, 
 Thou / mighty God, which guides this mortall 
 That all hearts fecrets fees, and knowes my heart, 
 Witnefle thou canft, I came not to confound. 
 This goodly Cittie : or to worke their fmart : 
 I was not author of their bloudie iarrs. 
 But offred peace, when they imbraced wars. 
 
 Thefe feighteene moneths, that I with warlike force, 
 Befieged their Citty : (Lord thou knoweft it well,) 
 My heart was full of mercy and remorce, 
 And they alwayes did ftubbornely rebell : 
 
 Therfore good Lord, with their moft hatefull rage. 
 And wondrous deeds do not my cofifcience 
 charge. 
 
OF lER VSA LEM. 47 
 
 My eyes doe fee, my heart doth Ukewife pity, 
 ■The great calamitie that they are in. 
 Yet Lord, except thou wilt yeeld me the Cittie, 
 rie raife my power, and not behold more finne: 
 For they with famine are become fo wilde, 
 That hunger made a woman eate her childe. 
 
 When noble 'Titus thus had made his moane. 
 
 All thofe that from lerujalem did fly. 
 
 He did receaue to mercy euery one. 
 
 And nourifht famiftit men at poynt to dye : 
 But cruell Schimion that feditious lewe. 
 And Proud lehocanan, more mifchiefe fliill did 
 brew. 
 
 For / albeit braue Tytus by his power 
 And warlike Engines, brought vnto that place. 
 Had layde their ftrong walles, flat vpon the flower, 
 And done their Citty wonderfull difgrace. 
 Yet {lubbornly they did refifl: him flill. 
 Such place they gaue, to their feditious will. 
 
48 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 Tj^w-f ouerthrowing the walls of /^r«</2?/^»7 enters the 
 Cyty and 'Temple with his power burning downe 
 the filuer gate thereof^ which led the way to the 
 Sandlum Sanftoru : andjetteth Souldiers to keepe 
 it from further hurt. 
 
 A Bout that timCj with wonderous dilligence. 
 They raifd a wall, in fecret of the night. 
 Which then was found their Citties beft defence. 
 For to withftand the conquering Romaines might : 
 Which once rac't the Citty needs muft yeeld. 
 And lewes giue place to Romaines fword and 
 fhield. 
 
 Renowned Tytus well perceiuing this. 
 To his beft proued Captaines, gaue a charge, 
 That new raif 'd wall, the lewes fuppofed blis. 
 Should fcattered be, with breaches wide and large: 
 And hervpon, the troopes togither met, 
 And to the walks, their battering Engines fet. 
 
 The / feare of this, made many a lewijh Lord, 
 That ioynde themfelues with the feditious traine. 
 To fteale away, and all with one accord. 
 At Tytus feete, fought mercie to obtaine : 
 Whofe milde fubmiffion, he accepted then, 
 And gaue them honour, mohg'ft his noble men. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 49 
 
 By this the mellow wall was broke' and fcaled, 
 With fierce allarms, the holy towne was entred, 
 Romaines tooke, courage, but the lewes harts failed, 
 Thoufands loft their Hues, which for honour ven- 
 SchmioTty lehocanan, all did flie for feare, [tred : 
 lewes mournd and. Romaines triumpht euery 
 where. 
 
 Thefaire Temple, Gods holy habitation. 
 The world, non pareli, the heathens wonder. 
 Their Citties glory, their ioyes preferuation, 
 To the Romaine power, muft now come vnder : 
 There many IJralites for Hues defence. 
 Had lockt themfelues, & would not come from 
 •thence,. 
 
 The famous Cltty being thus fubdued, [crowned 
 The Romaines heads, with glad-loe bales wer 
 For blesfull vidlory on their fide eufued. 
 While on the lewes the worlds Creator frowned : 
 The Captaines of the foule feditious rout. 
 To hide their he'ades did feeke odd corners 
 out. 
 
 The / Romaines refting in triumphant ftate 
 Vnto the holy Temple turned their courfe, 
 
 D. I. 4 
 
50 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 And finding fhutt the filuer fhining gate, 
 
 They fir'd it, retayning no remorce : 
 
 And when the fiers flamde did fore abound, 
 The melting filuer ftreamd along the ground. 
 
 Their timber worke into pale afhes turning, 
 Downe dropt the goodly gate vpon the flower. 
 What time the wrathfull Romaines went in running. 
 Shouting and crying with a mighty power : 
 
 The glory of which place, their bright fight drew. 
 To take thereof a wondring greedy view. 
 
 Yet did that place but onely lead the way, 
 Vnto the holyeft place, where once a yeare, 
 The high Prieft went, vnto the Lord to pray. 
 The figure of whofe glory, did there appeare : 
 SanElum Sanlforum fo that place was called. 
 Which Tytus wondring mind the moft appalled. 
 
 Which holy holyefl: place when "Tytus fawe, 
 Hauing a view but of the outward part. 
 So glorious was it that the fight did draw, 
 A wounderous reuerence in his foule and heart : 
 And with all meeknefle on his Princely knees, 
 He honors there the Maiefl:ie he fees. 
 
 This / place was clofed in with goulden gates. 
 So beautifull and fuper excellent. 
 
OF lER VSALEM. 5 1 
 
 That Princely Tytus and the Romaine ftates 
 Said fure this is Gods houfe omnipotent : ■ 
 And therefore Tytus who did loue and feare it, 
 Comanded ftraightly, no man fhould come 
 nere it. 
 
 And through his Camp, he made a proclamation, 
 That whofoeuer did come neefe the fame. 
 He fhould be hanged vp, without compaflion. 
 Without refpedb of birth, defert, or fame : 
 And more, a band of men he there ordained. 
 To keepe the Temple not to be prophaned. 
 
 CLP OLD ^Hi oCp dtja OLD Of a-p qLP qLP qtf" qL^ oTb dLp drfi OLP CL^ CLP qCp CLP op CP 
 irov ^S irox rf'Ox^W^jwiJroVi'Dxyt^JWi^'O^ 
 
 The feditious fet vpon the Romaine guard that kept 
 
 the. Temple^ and Jodenly Jlew them : whereupon the 
 
 Romaine Jouldiers Jet fire on the golden gate of 
 
 Sandtum Sanftorum, andfpoyledthe holy place with 
 
 fire. Titus Jought to quench it but could not, for 
 
 ■ which he made great lamentation. 
 
 T 7" X 7" Hile quiet thus the Romaine prince did ly, 
 V V Without miftruft. of any bloudy broyle. 
 Proclaiming pardon, life and liberty, 
 To euery yeelding foule, in that faire foyle : 
 A crew of trayterous lewes of bafe condition, 
 Aflayled the Romaine guard, without fufpition. 
 
52 
 
 THE DESTRVCflON 
 
 All I'tytus gallant Souldiers which he fet, 
 
 So carefully, the Temple gates to keepe, 
 
 Vpon a fodaine, they againft them get. 
 
 In dead of night, when moft were falne a (leepe : 
 
 And there without all ftay, or further wordes, . 
 
 Each man they murdered on their drawn 
 fwordes. 
 
 Not one efcap'd their bloody butchering hands : 
 Which noble T^ytus hearing, .grieued fore, 
 And thereon raif 'd, his beft prepared. bandes. 
 Slaying thofe lewes, and many hundreds more. 
 And with fuch fury, he purfu'd them ftill. 
 That who efcapt, fled vp to Syon hill. 
 
 But yet the Romaines full of hot reuenge. 
 For this vilde deede, by wicked lewes committed, 
 Troopt to the Temple, with a mighty fwinge. 
 And hauing all things for their purpofe fitted : 
 Did in their rage, fet on fiers flame, 
 Thofe goodly goulden gates, of greatefl fame. 
 
 And as the flaming fier gather'd flirength. 
 Great fpoyle was pradtifd by the Romaine rout. 
 The melting gould that flreamed downe at length. 
 Did guild the marble pauement round about : 
 The gates thus burned with a hidious din, 
 SanSlum SanSiorum Romaines entred in. 
 
OF lER VSALEM. 53 
 
 Who/hauing hereby, won their hearts defier, 
 With mighty Ihoutes they ihewed fignes of ioy, 
 .While the holy place burnt with flaming fier, 
 Which did, earthes heauenly paradice deftrdy : 
 This woefuU fight when "Tytus once did fee 
 He fought to quench it : but it would not be. 
 
 For many wicked hands, had bufie beene. 
 To worke that holy houfe all foule difgraces. 
 Which Jjy^^-f would haue fau'd as well was feene, 
 But it was fier'd in fo many places : 
 
 That by no meanes, the fpoyle he could preuent, 
 Which thing he did moft grieuoufly lament. 
 
 He Van about and cri'd with might and maine, 
 O ftay your hands, and faue this houfe I charge 
 Fetch water vp, and quench this fire againe, [yee, 
 Oi- you ftiall fmart, before I doe enlarge yee : 
 Thus fbme he threatned, many he intreated. 
 Till he was hoarfe, with that he had repeated. 
 
 But when his voyce was gone with crying out. 
 He. drew his fword, and flew the difobedient. 
 Till faint and weary, running round about, 
 He fat him downe, as it was expedient : 
 
 And there twixt wrath and forrow he bewayled. 
 With froward Souldiers, he no more preuayled. 
 
54 THE DESTRVCTION' 
 
 The / Priefts &■ lewes that earft themfelues had 
 Within the compafle of that holy ground, [hidden, 
 Againft the Romaines fought : and had abidden. 
 For to defend it many a bleeding wound : 
 But when they faw, there was no way to fly. 
 They lept into the fier, and there did die. 
 
 So long they fought, vntill the parching fier. 
 Did burne the clothes, from their fweating backes : 
 The more they fought, the more was their defier. 
 For to reuenge the Temples wofull wrackes : 
 
 They layd about, as long as they could ftand ; 
 
 Or moue a legge, or lift a feeble hand. 
 
 And all this while did noble ^ytm moufne. 
 
 To fee Sanfiorum fpoyled in fuch fort : 
 
 Layde on the ground, there did he tofTe and turrie. 
 
 And fmote at fuch as did to him reprart. 
 The woefull mine of that holy place. 
 And from his fight, with frownes he did them 
 chace. 
 
■ OF lERVSALEM. 55 
 
 Titus / with great reuerence, etitred into the SanEfum 
 
 SanSlorum, and greatly wondred at the beaut ie 
 
 thereof, affirming it to be the houje 
 
 of the God of heauen. 
 
 THe cruell fier hauing wrought her worft, 
 When that at length the fury thereof ceaft, 
 Titus arofe, all open and vntruft. 
 Of many teares vnburdned and releaft : 
 With head vncouered, mild and reuerently, 
 Into' SanSiorum humbly entred he. 
 
 And feeing the glorie and magnificence, 
 The wondrous beautie of that facred place. 
 Which there appeared, for all the vehemence. 
 The flaiiiing fier made, fo long a fpace : 
 Tytus did ftand amazed at the fight, 
 . When he confidered euery thing a right. 
 
 And thereup6n into this fpeech he broke, 
 
 How came I in this Paradice of pleafure? 
 
 This Place Celeftiall, may all foules Prouoke, 
 
 To fcorne the world, and feeke no other treafure : 
 
 Doe I from earth afcend by eleuation ? 
 
 Or fee I heauen by diuine reuelation .? 
 
 "Undoubtedly / the mightie God dwelt here. 
 This was no mortall creatures habitation. 
 
56 •■" THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 For earthly Monarkes, it was all to deere. 
 Fit for none, but hirti who is our foules faluation : 
 O earthly heauen, or heattenly Saintes receauer. 
 Thy fweete remembrance fhall J keepe for euer. 
 
 Now well I wot, no maruell t'was indeed. 
 
 The lewes fo ftoutly ftood in fence of this : 
 
 O who could blame them, when they did proceed • 
 
 By all deuices to preferue their blis : 
 
 Since firft I faw the Sunne, I neuer knew 
 What heauens ioyment, till I this place did view. 
 
 Nor did the Gentiles, without fpeciall cauTe, 
 From fardeft partes both of the Eaft and Weft, 
 Send heapes of gold by ftraight commaund of lawes. 
 This facred place with glory to. inueft : 
 For rich and wounderbus is this holy feat. 
 And in mans eye the Maiefty is great. 
 
 Farre doth it pafTe the Romaine Temples all. 
 Yea all the Temples of the world likewife, 
 They feeme to this like to an Afles ftall, 
 Or like a ftie where fwine ftill gruntiijg lies. 
 
 Great God of heauen, God of this glorious place. 
 Plague thou their foules that did thy houfe 
 deface. 
 
 'Tytus, I th.us wearied, gazing vp and downe. 
 Yet not fatisfied, with the Temples fight. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 57 
 
 Departed thence, to lodge within the towne, 
 Things out of frame, to fet in order right: 
 
 Where while he ftayd the ftubborne harted lewes. 
 Did there moft wicked aftions dayly vfe. 
 
 For when they faw that fier had fo fpoyled, 
 SanEium SanEiorum in fuch pitious fort. 
 Their diuillifh harts that ftill with mifchiefe broyled. 
 The treafure houfes all, they burnt in fport, 
 And precious lewells wherefoeuer they flood. 
 With all things elfe that fliould doe Romaines 
 good. 
 
 The reft of the Temple, likewife did they burne, 
 In defperat manner, without all regard : 
 Which being wrought, away they did returne, 
 But many fcapt not, without iuft reward ; 
 
 The Romaine Souldiers, quickly quencht the fier. 
 And in the Temple wrought their heartes defire. 
 
 Where they fet vp, their heathen Idolls all, 
 Their fence-leffe Images, of wood and ftone. 
 And at their feete, all proftrate did they fall, 
 There offering facrifice to them alone : 
 In plaine derifion of the conquered fort. 
 Of whom the Romaines made a mocking fport. 
 
 <^ rJt> (Xj e^ f^ t^ cAi c^ ^ c^ cXi cjp cjj cfc r^ f^ wa cjl wp mp «U£* tij> <up ^ 
 
S8 THE DESTRVCTION ■ 
 
 A / falfe Prophet arofe among the lewes^ telling them 
 that the 'Temple Jhould againe be builded by itjelfe, 
 without the help of mans hand: willing therefore 
 to deftroy the Romaines : which they going about 
 to doe, brought further forrow vpon themfelues. 
 
 A Falfe and lying Prophet then arofe. 
 Among the lewes, at faire lerufalem. 
 Which then an abfurd fancie did difclofe, 
 Among them all, who thus incourag'd them : 
 Moft valiant lewes play you the men and fight. 
 And God will fhew a wonder in your fight. 
 
 Againft the curfed Romaines turne againe. 
 And beate the boafting heathen to the ground. 
 For God will fhew vnto jour fights mofl: plaine. 
 His mightie power : if you doe them confound. 
 The Temple by it felfe fhall builded be. 
 Without rnans hand or helpe, m.oft glorioufly. 
 
 That lacobs God, thereby may fliew his power. 
 To thdfe proud Romaines : which doe glory fp. 
 In their owne ftrength : tryumphing euery hower. 
 In this our fpoyle, and wofull ouerthrow : 
 Then fight O lewes, the temple fanz delay. 
 Shall by it felfe be builded vp this day. 
 
 The / wilde feditious beleeuing this lye. 
 Did fet a frefh vpon the Romaine band. 
 
■ OF lERVSALEM. 59 
 
 In fuch fierce fort, that many men did dye, 
 But yet the Romaines got the vpper hand : 
 
 Who in new wakened wrath, that late did fleepe 
 Slew downe the lewes like to a fort of fheepe. 
 
 Schimion and lehocanan come to feeke peace with 
 Tytus, but refufe to be inJubieMionto the Romaines: 
 wherevpon Tytus will Jhew them no fauour, but 
 ■prejently ajfayled them with his power, wherevpon 
 Schimion and lehocanans followers by Jome, and 
 fome forfake them, leaning them in dijlrejje : who 
 there-vpon hid them-Jelues in Caues. 
 
 I^Hen came falfe Schimion and lehocanan, 
 Chiefe Captaines, to the feditious trayne. 
 With many followers, weapned euery man. 
 Requiring peace, if peace they could obtaine : 
 To whome Prince Tytus -with, hischiefeft ftate,. 
 Did thus reply, you feeke this thing to. late. 
 
 How / comes it now that yee intreate for life. 
 After fo many jnifcheiefes by you wrought. 
 When you haue flaine and murthered man and wife. 
 And thpufand thoufands to deftrudtion brought : 
 [O wretched man, vpon thy head Ihall come 
 Sudden arid fwift and fure a rafcal doom.] 
 
6o THE DESTR VCTION 
 
 How oft haue I intreated you to peace, 
 And offered mercie, without all defert, 
 When you refufing it, did ftill increafe. 
 Your trayterous dealings, your chiefeft fmart : 
 It pittied me to fee your woefull cafe, 
 With your innumerable men dead in each place. 
 
 How can I pardon thefe outragious a6ts. 
 
 Your many murders and falfe fedition, 
 
 With diuers other abhominable fa6ts, 
 
 For which I fee in you, no hearts contrition : 
 You feeke for peace, yet armed do you ftand. 
 You craue for pardon, with your fwords in hand. 
 
 Firft lay a fide your fwords and weapons all. 
 And in fubmiffiue manner alk for grace, 
 So fhall you fee what fauour may befall, 
 Perhaps I may take pitty on your cafe : 
 And gracioufly withall your faults fufpence. 
 And giue you pardon, ere you goe from hence. 
 
 With / bended browes proud Schimion then did 
 On gentle "Tytus : lehocanan likewife, [looke 
 
 In fcornfull manner all his fpeeches tooke. 
 And both of them difdainefully replies : 
 
 By heauens great God, we both haue fworne 
 quoth they 
 
 To make no feruile peace with thee this day. 
 
OF lER VSA LEM. 6 1 
 
 For neuer fhall earths mifery prouoke, 
 Our vndaunted heartes to ftoope vnto thy will, 
 Or bend our neckes vnto the Romaine yoake, 
 While vitall breath our inward parts doth fill : 
 Then vnto vs this fauour doe exprefle, 
 To let vs part and liue in wildernefTe. 
 
 At this contempt was 'Tytus greatly moued : 
 
 And doth your pride continue yet quoth he ? 
 
 Will not your impudency be yet reproued ? 
 
 Nor yet your ftubborne heartes yet humbeld be ? 
 And dare you fay that you will fweare and vow. 
 That to the Romaine yoke you will not bow ? 
 
 At this his wrath was wounderous fore inflamed. 
 Who herevpon gaue ftraight commandement, 
 By flrength of fword to haue thofe rebels tamed ; 
 On whom the Romaines fet incontinent : 
 
 Who chac'd the lewes and fcattered them fo fore, 
 That they were found to gather head no more. 
 
 For / fecretly the lewes from Schimion fled. 
 
 By fome and fome they all forfooke him quite. 
 
 With falfe lehocanan which fo mifled. 
 
 And fordl the gainfl: them felues to murderous 
 Who leaning them, to noble T!ytus came, [fight : 
 Defiring grace, who graunted them the fame. 
 
62 THE DESTR VCTION ■ 
 
 lehocanan and Schimion feeing this, 
 They were forfaken, and left pbft alone, 
 In their diftrefle lamented their amifle : 
 Clofle hid in caues, they lay and made their mone : 
 Where they remained perplext with famine great. 
 Till they were ready, their owne flefti to eate. 
 
 lehocanan inforced by hunger comes out of his caue, 
 
 ^ fubmits him-Jelfe to Tytus, who caufed 
 him to be hanged. 
 
 AT length out of a deepe darke hollow caue. 
 With bitter hunger lehocanan was driuen, 
 Like to a Ghofl; new rifen from his graue. 
 Or like Anotamy of all flelh beryuen : 
 Who then as faint as euer he could ftand. 
 Came to fubmit himfelfe, to 'Tytus hand. 
 
 Into / this Princely prefence when he came, 
 With all fubmiffion fell he at his feete. 
 Saying O King of moft renouned fame. 
 Here am I come as it is right and meete : 
 To yeeld my felfe into thy Princely hand, 
 Whofe life doth reft, vpon thy great command. 
 
. OF lERVSALEM. 63 
 
 My difobediehce, doe I fore repent. 
 That euer I, refuf 'd thy offered grace, 
 Bewayling my lewd life, fo badly bent, 
 And my foule adions, gainft this holy place : 
 Yet with thy mercy fhadow my amifle. 
 And let me taft what thy compaflion is. 
 
 Not from my felfe, did all my finne proceede. 
 Though I confefle, my faults were too too many. 
 But was prouokte to many a bloody deede. 
 By him that yet was neuer good to any : 
 Blood-thirfty Schimeon, led me to all euill. 
 Who doth in malice, far exceed the Diuell. 
 
 Too long alaffe, he ouer-ruld my will, 
 And made me adbor, of a thoufand woes : 
 What I refuf 'd his outrage did fulfill. 
 And his deuife, did make my friends my foes : 
 Then worthy Vidtor, mittigate my blame. 
 And let thy glory, buer-fpread my fhame. 
 
 No / more quoth Tytus, ftay thy traiterous tounge 
 Infed vs not with thy impoyfoned breath. 
 He doe thee right that haft done many a wrong. 
 Thy end of forrow, ftiall begin thy death : 
 And by thy death, ihall life arife to fuch, 
 To whom thou thoughtft a minutes life too much. 
 
64 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 With that he wild his Captaines take him thence. 
 When he with yron chaines was fettered faft. 
 And afterward (meete meed for his offence) 
 Through all the Campe they led him at the laft. 
 That he of them, might mockt and fcorned be, 
 And then in chaines they hangd him one a tree. 
 
 This was the end of proud lehocanan. 
 That in lerujalem did fuch harme. 
 And this likewife was that accurfed man. 
 That in his malice with a fierce alarme 
 
 Burnd all the Vi6luals laid in by the Peeres, 
 That was inough to ferue them twenty yeeres. 
 
 Which was the caufe, that in fo fhort a fpace, 
 So great a famine fell within the towne : 
 Yea this was he burnt King Agrippaes place. 
 And in the temple flew fo many downe : 
 But not long after he was gone and dead, 
 Out of his den did Schimion fhew his head. 
 
 ■^}^k^r?^t^i} ^:5{::^^:5^:)^^^:«::^:^:X::}^:){::«::J^:5f:^:^^ 
 
OP lERVSALEM. 65 
 
 SCHIMION / /» like fort being driuen with hunger 
 out of his den, apparelling himfelfe in princely 
 attire^ deftred to be brought before T'xtas, fuppojing. 
 he would hauefaued his life : but he commanded 
 ■ his head to be Jlricken off, and his body to be cut in 
 peces and caji to the dogges. 
 
 WHo ftaring vp and downe with feareful 
 Idokes, 
 Leaft any one were nigh to apprehend him, 
 Like to a Panther doubting hidden hookes, 
 That any way might lye for to offend him : 
 Driuen out with famine, hungry at the hart. 
 He fought for fuccour of his earned fmart. 
 
 And hauing drefl: himfelfe in Kingly tire. 
 In richefi manner that he could deuife. 
 That men at him might wonder : and defire, 
 To know what Monarke did from earth, arife, 
 Farre oiF he walked as it were in boaft. 
 And fhewd himfelfe vnto the Romaine hoaft. 
 
 For his great heart could not abid to yeeld, • 
 Though gnawing hunger vext his very foule : 
 Thus faintly walkt he vp and dpwne the field 
 With lofty thoughts, which famine did controule : 
 Suppofing firmely, though he liu'd in hate. 
 He Ihould finde fauour, for his high eftate : 
 D. I. 5 
 
66 THE DE$TRVCTION 
 
 For though (quoth he) I did the Romaines wrong 
 Yet in my deeds I fhewed a Princely courage, 
 Bearing a heart, that did to honour throngj 
 And therevpon their Campe fo oft did forage': 
 To haughty afts all Princes honour owes. 
 For they muft thinke that war hath made vs foes, 
 
 Confidering this. Prince 'Tytus may be proude. 
 To fuch an enemie he may fauour fhew, . 
 And herein may his aftion be allowd. 
 That magnanimitie he will nourifti fo : 
 And by his mercie make a friend oi him, 
 That in his warres fo great a foe hath beene. 
 
 Which in this honour, hee himfelfe did flatter, 
 Of him the Romaines hzA. a perfedt fight. 
 And round about him, they themfelues did fcatter 
 Yet were afraid, to come within his might/: 
 
 And that they fear'd ; this was the onely reafon 
 They knew his craft, and doubted hidden treafon 
 
 But Schimion feeing, that they fhund him fo. 
 
 He cald vnto them in couragious wife, 
 
 Maieftically walking to and fro 
 
 And in this fort, his fpeech to them applies : 
 If any gallant Captaine with you be, 
 Let him approch, and talke one word with me. 
 
OF lERVSALEM. 67 
 
 With / that ftept out a braue couragious Knight, 
 With weapons well prouided euery way: 
 A noble Romaine of great ftrength and might, 
 Who with his weapon drawne thefe words did fay : 
 Tell me, who art thou that in fuch attire, 
 Walkes in this place, and what is thy defire ? 
 
 I am (quoth he) vndaunted Schimeon, 
 The wrathfull Captaine of feditious lewes. 
 That flew the Romaines, in their greateft throng, 
 The deed whereof I come not to excufe : 
 Nor doe I pafTe what you can fay thereto, 
 I am the man made you fo much adoe. 
 
 Yet let me thus much fauour craue of thee. 
 As to condu6t me to great Tytus fight, 
 Thy noble friend, but enemie to me : 
 Yet doubt I not, but he will doe me right : 
 Bring me to him, what chaunce fo ere I finde. 
 That he may heare, and I may fhew my minde. 
 
 The Romaine Captaine his requeft fulfild, 
 To Tytus royall prefence was he brought : 
 Whofe hatefull perfon, when the Prince beheld. 
 He did refufe to heare him fpeake in ought : 
 Away with him he fayd, let him be bound, 
 For of all woe this villaine was the ground. 
 
68 THE DESTRVCTION 
 
 And / like a Captiue firft let him be led, 
 About the Campe to fufFer fcoffes and fcornes, 
 And after that ftrike of his hatefuU head. 
 The manfion houfe of niifchiefes pricking thornes : 
 And let his carcafe be in peeccs torne. 
 And euery gobbet vnto dogges be throwne. 
 
 What 'Titus charg'd was put in execution, ./. ; 
 
 And in this fort was Schimtons hatefull end. 
 Who went to death with wonderous refolution. 
 Not like a man, but like an helliifh fiend : 
 
 Thus Titus conquer'd that moft pretious lem, 
 
 The beautious Cittie faire lerujalem. 
 
 The number of thofe that had bin flaine at the fiege 
 
 of lerujalem, and the number of the Prijoners that 
 
 Titus carried with him to Rome. 
 
 THe perfect number of the people there, 
 The which with hunger & with fword was 
 Eleauen hundred thoufand did appeare, ■ [flaine : 
 As bookes of records did declare it plaine : 
 Befide all fuch as did vnburied lye. 
 And diuers moe that did in fier dye. 
 
 And when to Rome the Conquerer went his way. 
 The number of his Prifoners were full great, 
 
OF lER FSALEM. 69 
 
 Full fixteene thoufand men that inftant day, 
 Were carried captiue to the Romaine Seat : 
 
 Among the reft the man that wrote this ftory, ) 
 Who by his wifedome purchaft endless glory. 
 
 Thus Chrifts prophefie truely came to pafle. 
 Which Forty yeares before he had exprefled : 
 But with the lewes of fmall account it was, 
 Till they did finde themfelues fo fore diftrefled : 
 He foght their life, his death they wrought with 
 fpite 
 , Wifhing his blood on them and theirs to light. 
 
 The which according to their owne requeft. 
 The Lord in wrath did perfeftly fulfil : 
 There channels ran with blood and did not reft. 
 Their blood was fpilt, that lefus blood did fpill : 
 God grant we may our hatefull fins forfake. 
 And by the lewes a Chriftian warning take. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
iB- 
 
 II. 
 
 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 1603. 
 
 ►•^ 
 
NOTE. 
 
 For the ' WonderfuU Yeare (1603)' I am again indebted to the British 
 Museum. See Memorial-Introduction on it. — G. 
 
THE 
 
 VVonderfuU yeare. 
 
 1603. 
 
 Wherein is fhewed the pidlure of London, ly- 
 ing ficke of the Plague. 
 
 At the ende of all (like a mery Epilogue to a dull Play) cer- 
 
 taihe Tales are cut out in fundry fajhions, of purpofe 
 
 to fhorten the Hues of long winters nights^ 
 
 that lye watching in the darkefor vs. 
 
 El me rigidi legant Catones. 
 
 LONDON 
 
 Printed by Thomas Creede, and are to be folde 
 
 in Saint Donftones Church-yarde 
 
 in Fleet-ilreete. 
 
TO HIS VVEL- 
 
 RESPECTED GOOD 
 
 friend, M. Cuthbert 'Thurejhy, VVa- 
 ter-Bayliffe of London. 
 
 |Ookes are but poore gifts, yet Kings 
 receiue them : vpo which I prefume, 
 you will not turne This out of doores. 
 You cannot for fliame but bid it welcome, becaufe 
 it bringes to you a great quantitie of my loue : 
 which, if it be worth litle (and no maruell if Loue 
 be folde vnder-foote, when the God of Loue 
 himfelfe goes naked) yet I hope you will not fay 
 you haue a hard bargaine, Sithece you may take 
 as much of it as you pleafe for nothing. I 
 haue clapt the Cognizance of your name, on thefe 
 fcribled papers, it is their liuery. So that now 
 they are yours : being free fro any vile imputation, 
 faue only, that they thruft themfelues into your 
 acquaintance. But generall errors, haue generall 
 pardons : for the title of / other mens names, is 
 the common Heraldry which all thofe laie claime 
 
y 
 
 76 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE. 
 
 toOj whofe creft is a Pen-and-Inckhorne. If you 
 read, you may happilie laugh ; tis my defire you 
 fliould, becaufe mirth is both Phijicall, and whole- 
 fome againft the Plague : with which ficknes 
 (to tell truth) this booke is (though not forely) 
 yet fomewhat infeded. I pray, driue it not out 
 of your companie for all that ; for (affure your 
 foule) I am fo iealous of your health, that if you 
 did but once imagine, there were gall in mjne 
 Incke, I would caft away the Standifh, and for- 
 fweare medling with anie more Mufes. 
 
To the Reader. 
 
 < ND why to the Reader ? Oh good Sir ! 
 theres as found law to make you giue 
 good jvords to the Reader, as to a 
 Conftable when hee carries his watch about him 
 to tell how the night goes, tho (perhaps) the 
 one (oftentimes) may be ferued in for a Gooje, 
 and the other very fitly furnifh the fame 
 meffe. Yet to maintaine the fcuruy fafhion, and 
 to keepe Cufiome in reparations, he muft be 
 honyed, and come ouer with Gentle Reader, 
 Courteous Reader, and Learned Reader, though 
 he haue no more Gentilitie in him than Adam 
 had (that was but a gardner) no more Ciuiliiie 
 than a T'artar, and no more Learning than the 
 moft- errand Stinkard, that (except his owne name) 
 could neuer finde any thing in the Horne-book. 
 
 How notorioufly therfore do good wits difhonor, 
 not only their Calling, but euen their Creation, 
 that worfhip Glow-wormes (in ftead of the Sun) 
 becaufe of a litle falfe gliftering ? In the name of 
 
78 TO THE READER. 
 
 PA^s-^wj what madnefle leades them vntoit? For 
 he that. dares hazard a preffing to death (thats to 
 fay. To be a man in Prirtt) , muft make account 
 that he fhall ftand (like the olde Weathercock 
 ouer Powles fteeple) to be beaten with all ftormes. 
 Neither the ftinking Tabaeco-breath. oi z Sattin- 
 gull, the Aconited fling of a narrow-eyde Critick, 
 the faces of a phantaftick Stage-monkey, npr. the 
 Indeede-la of a Puritanicall Citizen; inuft once fhake 
 him. No, but defperately refolue (like a French 
 Poft) to ride through thick & -.ihin : indure to 
 fee his. lines torrie pittifuUy on the rack : . fufFer 
 his Mufe to take the Bafioone, yea the very flab, 
 & himfelfe like a new flake to' be a marke'for 
 euery Hagler, a.nd therefore (fetting vp all thefe 
 refls) why fhiild he regard what .fooles bolt is' 
 fhot at him ? Befides, / if that which he p.refents 
 vpon the Stage of the world be Good, why fhould. 
 he bafely cry out (with that old poetical! mad-eap; 
 in. his Amfhitruo) louis Jummi cauja -dare ■plaudit e:. 
 I beg a Vlaudite for God fake 1 If Bad, who (but 
 an AfTe). would intreate (as Players do in a 
 coggmg Epilogue at the end ofafilthie Comedy) 
 that, be it ne'uer fuch wicked flufFe, ' they would 
 forbea're to hiffe, or to dam it perpetually to lye 
 on a Stationers flail. For he that can fo cofen 
 himfelfe, as to pocket yp praife in that filly fort, 
 makes his braines fat with his owne folly. 
 
TO THE READER. 79 
 
 But Hinc Pudor ! or rather Hinc Dolor, heeres 
 the Diuell ! It is not the ratling of all this 
 former haile-fhot, that can terrifie our Band of 
 Caftalian Fen-men from entring into the field : 
 no, no, the murdring Artillery indeede lyes in 
 the roaring mouthes of a company that looke 
 big as if they were the fole and fingular Com- 
 manders ouer the maine Army of Poefte, yet (if 
 Hermes mufter-booke were fearcht ouer) theile 
 be found to be moft pitifuU pure frefh-water 
 fbuldiers : they giue out, that they are heires- 
 apparent to Helicon, but an eafy Herald may 
 make them meere yonger brothers, or (to fay 
 troth) not fo much. Beare witnes all you whofe 
 wits make you able to be witnefles in this caufe, 
 that here I meddle not with your good Poets, 
 Nam tales, nufquam Junt Mc amplius. If you fhould 
 rake hell, or (as Ariftofhanes in his Frog fayes) 
 in any Celler deeper than hell, it is harde to finde 
 Spirits of that Fafliion. But thofe Goblins whom 
 r now am coiuring vp, haue bladder-cheekes puft 
 out like a Stwzzz^rj breeches (yet being prickt, 
 there comes out nothing but wind) thin headed 
 fellowes that liue vpon the fcraps of inuention, 
 and trauell with fuch vagrant foules, and fo like 
 Ghofts in white fheetes of paper, that the Statute 
 of Rogues may worthily be fued vpon them 
 becaufe their wits haue no abiding place, and 
 
8o TO THE READER. 
 
 yet wander without a pafle-port. Alas, poore 
 wenches (the nine Mufes !) how much are you 
 wrongd, to haue fuch a number of Baftards lying 
 vpo your hands ? But turne them out a begging ; 
 or if you cannot be rid of their Riming company 
 (as I thinke it will be very hard) then lay your 
 1 heauie and immortal curfe vpon them, that / 
 I whatfoeuer they weaue (in the motley-loome of 
 their ruftie pates) may like a beggers cloake, be 
 full of ftolne patches, and yet neuer a patch like 
 one another, that it may be fuch true lamentable 
 f ftuff, that any honeifl: Chriftian may be fory to 
 i fee it. Banifli thefe Word-pirates, (you facred 
 miftreffes of learning) into the gulfe of Bdr- 
 barifme : doome them euerkftingly to liue among 
 dunces : let them not once lick their lips at the 
 Thejfian bowle, but onely be glad (and thanke 
 Apollo for it too) if hereafter (as hitherto they 
 haue alwayes) they may quench their poeticall 
 thirft with fmall beere. Or if they^will needes 
 be ftealing your Heliconian Nelfar, let them (like 
 the dogs of Nylus,) onely lap and away. For 
 this Goatijh fwarme are thofe (that where for 
 thefe many thoufand yeares you went for pure 
 maides) haue taken away your good names, thefe 
 are they that deflowre your beauties. Thefe are 
 thofe ranck-riders of Art, that haue fo fpur-gald 
 your luftie wingd Vegajus, that now he begins 
 
TO THE READER. 8i 
 
 to be out of flefh, and (euen only for prouander 
 fake) is glad to fhew tricks like Bancks his Curtail. 
 O you Bookes-fellers (that are Faftors to the ' 
 Liberall Sciences) ouer whofe Stalles thefe Drones 
 do dayly flye humming ; let Homer, Hefiod, Euri- . 
 pides, and fome other mad Greekes with a band 
 of the Latines, lye like mulket-fhot in their way, 
 when thefe Gothes and Gates fet vpon you in 
 your paper fortifications ; it is the only Canon, 
 vpon whofe mouth they dare not venture : none 
 but the Englifh will take their parts, therefore 
 feare them not, for fuch a ftrong breath haue 
 thefe chefe-eaters, that if they do but blow vpon 
 a booke they imagine ftraight tis blafted : ^od 
 Jupra nos ; Nihil ad nos, (they fay) that which 
 is aboue our capacitie, fhall not paffe vnder our 
 commendation. Yet would J haue thefe Zoilifts 
 (of all other) to reade me, if euer I fhould write 
 any thing worthily : for the blame that knowne- 
 fooles heape vpon a deferuing labour, does not 
 difcredit the fame, but makes wife men more 
 perfectly in loue with it. Into fuch a ones hands 
 therefore if I fortune to fall, I will not fhrink 
 an inch, but euen when his teeth are fharpeft, 
 and moft ready to bite, I will ftop his mouth 
 only with this, Hac mala funt, Jed tu, non meliora 
 faEla. I 
 
 D. I. 
 
82 TO THE READER. 
 
 Reader. 
 T/T/'Hereas there ftands in the Rere-ward of this 
 Booke a certaine mingled 'Troofe of ftraunge 
 Difcourfes, fafhioned into 1'ales, Know, that the 
 intelligence which firft brought them to light, was 
 onely flying Report : whofe tongue (as it often 
 does) if in fpreading them it haue tript in any 
 materiall point, and either flipt too farre, or falne 
 too Jhort, beare with the error : and the rather, 
 hecaufe it is not wilfully committed. Neither let 
 any one (whome thofe Reports fhall feeme to touch) 
 cauill or complaine of iniury, fithence nothing is 
 fet downe by a malitious hand. Farewell. / 
 
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 revv 
 
 THE WONDER- 
 
 full yeare. 
 
 Ertumnus being attired in his 
 accuftomed habit of ^ 
 
 . Vertumnus 
 
 changeable filke, had God of the 
 
 '-' ' yeare. 
 
 newly pafled through 
 the firft and principall Court- 
 gate of heauen : to whom for 
 a farewell, and to ftiewe how dutifuU he was 
 in his office, lanus (that beares two Description of 
 faces vnder one hood) made a very *e spring. 
 mannerly lowe legge, and (becaufe he was the 
 onely Porter at that gate) prefented vnto this 
 king of the Moneths," all the New-yeares gifts, 
 which were more in number, and more worth 
 than thofe that are giuen to the great Turke, or 
 the Emperour of Perfta : on went Vertumnus 
 in his luftie progreffe, Priapus, Flora, the Dryades, 
 
?4 THE WONDERFULL YEA RE. 
 
 and Hamadryades, with all the woodden rabble of 
 thofe that dreft Orchards & Gardens, perfuming 
 all the wayes that he went, with the fweete 
 Odours that breathed from flowers, hearbes and 
 trees, which now began to peepe out of prifon : 
 by vertue of which excellent aires, the fkie got 
 a moft cleare complexion, lookte fmug and 
 fmoothe, and had not fo much as a wart flicking 
 on her face ; the Sunne likewife was frefhly and 
 very richly apparelled in cloth of gold like a 
 Bridegroome, and inftead of gilded Rofemary, 
 the homes of the Ramme, (being the figne of 
 that celeftiall bride-houfe where he lay, to be 
 marryed to the Spring) were not like 
 
 Vponthe23. ^ u 11 "l^ U <- 
 
 of March the your common homes parcell-gilt, but 
 by reason of ' double doublc-gilt, with the liquid gold 
 
 the Sunnes en- , i i r i • i r - 
 
 trance into that melted rrom his beames, tor loy 
 w[h]ereof the Larke fung at his windowe 
 euery morning, the Nightingale euery night : the 
 Cuckooe (like a fingle fole / Fidler, that reeles 
 from Tauerne to Tauerne) plide it all the day 
 long : Lambes frifkte vp and downe in the 
 vallies, kids and Goates leapt too and fro on 
 the Mountaines : Shepheards fat piping, country 
 wenches finging : Louers made fonnets for their 
 LafTes, whileft they made Garlands for their 
 Louers : And as the Country was frolike, fo 
 was the Citie mery : Oliue Trees (which grow 
 
THE WONDERFULL YE ARE. 85 
 
 no where but in the Garden of peace) ftood (as 
 common as Beech does at Midfomer) at euery 
 mans doore, braunches of Palme were in euery 
 mans hand : Streetes were full of people, people 
 full of ioy : euery houfe feemde to haue a Lorde 
 of mifrule in it, in euery houfe there was fo much 
 iollity : no Scritch-Owle frighted the filly Country- 
 man at midnight, nor any Drum the Citizen 
 at noone-day ; but all was more calme than a 
 ftill water, all hufht, as if the Spheres had bene 
 playing in Confort : In conclufion, heauen lookt 
 like a Pallace, and the great hall of the earth, like 
 a Paradice. But O the fhort-liude Felicitie of 
 man I O world of what flight and thin ftuffe 
 is thy happinefTe ! luft in the midft of this ' 
 iocund Holi-day, a ftorme rifes in the Weft : 
 Weftward (from the toppe of a Ritch- ^^6 Queenes 
 mount) defcended a hidious tempeft, that ^icknes. 
 fhooke Cedars, terrified the talleft Pines, and 
 cleft in funder euen the hardefl: hearts of Oake: 
 And if fuch great trees were fiiaken, what thinke 
 you became of the tender Eglantine, and humble 
 Hawthorne ; they could not (doubtlefle) but 
 droope, they could not choofe but die with the 
 terror. The Element (taking the Deftinies part, 
 who indeed fet abroach this mifchiefe) fcowled 
 on the earth, and filling her hie forehead full of 
 blacke wrinckles, tumbling long vp and downe 
 
86 THE WONDERFULL YE ARE. 
 
 (like a great bellyed wife) her fighes being whirle- 
 windes, and her grones thunder, at length flie fell 
 in labour, and was deliuered of a pale, meagre, 
 weake child, named Sicknejfe, whom Death (with 
 a peftilence) would needes take vpon him to 
 nurfe, and did fo. This fkarueling being, come 
 to his full growth, had an office giuen him for 
 nothing (and thats a wonder in this age) Death 
 made him his Herauld : attirde him like a 
 Courtier, and (in his name) chargde him to goe 
 into the Priuie Chamber of the Englifli Queene, 
 to fommon her to apf>eare in the Star-chamber 
 of heauen. 
 
 The fommons made her ftart, but (hauing an 
 inuincible fpirit) /did not amaze her : yet whom 
 would not the certaine newes of parting from a 
 Kingdome amaze ! But fhe knewe where to finde 
 Her death, a richer, and therefore lightlie regarded 
 the lofTe of this, and thereupon made readie for 
 that heauenlie Coronation, being (which was moft 
 ftrange) moft dutifull to obay, that had fo many 
 yeares fo powrefuUy commaunded. She obayed 
 Deaths meflenger, and yeelded her body to the 
 hands of death himfelfe. She dyed, reflgning her 
 Scepter to pofteritie, and her Soule to immortalitie. 
 The report of her death (like a thunder clap) 
 was able to kill thoufands, it tooke away hearts 
 from millions : for hauing brought vp (euen 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 87 
 
 vnder her wing) a nation that was almoft begotten 
 and borne vnder her.; that neuer fhouted any 
 other Aue than for her name, neuer fawe the 
 face of any Prince but her felfe, neuer vnder- 
 ftoode what that ftrange out-landifh word Change 
 Signified : how was it poflible, but that her ficknes 
 fhould throw abroad an vniuerfall feare, and her 
 death an aftonifhment ? She was the 
 Courtiers treafure, therefore he had terror that her 
 
 . , _ -J death bred. 
 
 caule to mourne : the JLawyers iword 
 of iuftice, he might well faint : ^^Merchants 
 patrc)nefle^_Jh.e__had reafgn .to- looJke„ pale L the 
 Citizens mother, he might beft lament : the 
 Shepheards GoddefTe, and fliould not he droope ? 
 Qnely the Souldier, who had walkt a long time 
 vpon wodden legs, and was not able to giue 
 Armes, though he were a Gentleman, had briffeld 
 vp the quills of his ftiffe Porcupine muftachio, 
 and fwore by no beggers that now was the houre 
 come for him to beftirre his ftumps : Vfurers ; 
 and Brokers (that are the Diuels Ingles, and 
 dwell in the long lane of hell) quakt like afpen 
 leaues at his oathes : thofe that before were the 
 onely cut-throates in London, now ftoode in feare 
 of no other death : but my Signior Soldado was 
 deceiued, the Tragedie went not forward. 
 
 Neuer did the Englifli Nation behold fo much 
 black worne as there was at her Funerall : It was 
 
88 THE WONDERFULL YEA RE. 
 
 then but put on, to try if it were fit, for the great 
 day of mourning was fet downe (in the booke of 
 heauen) to be held afterwards : that was but the 
 dumb {hew, the Tragicall A6t hath bene playing 
 euer fince. Her Herfe (as it was borne) feemed 
 to be an Hand fwimming in water, for round / 
 about it there rayned ihowers of teares, about her 
 death-bed none : for her departure was fo fudden 
 and fo ftrange, that men knew not how to weepe, 
 becaufe they had neuer bin taught to fhed teares 
 of that making. They that durft not fpeake their 
 forrowes, whifperd them : they that durft not 
 whifper, fent them foorth in fighes. O what an 
 Earth-quake is the alteration of a State ! Looke 
 from the Chamber of Prefence, to the Farmers 
 cottage, and you fliall finde nothing but diftraftion: 
 the whole Kingdome feemes a wildernes, and the 
 people in it are tranfformed to wild men. The 
 Map of a Countrey fo pitifullie diftra6ted by the 
 horror of a change, if you defire perfeftlie to 
 behold, caft your eyes then on this that followes, 
 which being heretofore in priuate prefented to the 
 King, I thinke may very worthily fhew it felfe 
 before you : And becaufe you fhall fee them 
 attirde in the fame fafhion that they were before 
 his Maiefty, let thefe fewe lines (which ftood then 
 as Prologue to the reft) enter firft into your 
 eares. 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEA RE. 89 
 
 N' 
 
 Ot for applaujes, /hallow fooles aduenture, 
 T plunge my verfe into ajea of cenfure. 
 But with a liuer drefi in gall, to fee 
 So many Rookes, catch-polls of poefy, 
 That feed vpon the fallings of hye wit ; 
 And put on cafi inuentions, moft vnfit ; 
 For Juch am T pre ft forth in fhops andftalls, 
 Pafted in Powles, and on the Lawyers walls. 
 For euery hafilifk-eyde Criticks bait, 
 "To kill my verfe, or poifon my conceit : 
 Or Jome fmoakt gallant who at wit repines, 
 'To dry Tahacco with my holefome lines. 
 And in one paper facrifice more braine. 
 Than all his ignorant Jcull could ere containe : 
 But merit dreads no martyr dome, nor ftroke. 
 My lines fhall Hue when he fhall be all f moke. 
 
 Thus farre the Prologue, who leauing the Stage 
 cleere, the feares that are bred in the wombe of 
 this altring kingdome do / next ftep vp, adting 
 thus. 
 
 "T^He great impoftume of the realme was drawne 
 
 Euen to a head : the multitudinous fpawne 
 Was the corruption, which did make it /well 
 With hop' d f edition (the burnt feed of hell,) 
 Who did expeSi but ruine, blood, and death. 
 To fhare our kingdome, and diuide our breath. 
 
go THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 Religions without religion, 
 'To let each other bload, confufion 
 "to be next ^eene of .England, and this yeere 
 The ciuill warres of France to be plaid heere 
 By Engli/h-men, ruffians, and pandering Jlaues, 
 That faine would dig vp gowtie vjurers graues : 
 Atfuch a time, villaines their hopes do honey. 
 And rich men looke as pale as their white money : 
 Now they remoue, and make their Jiluer fweat, 
 Cafling themfelues into a couetous heate. 
 And then (vnfeene) in the confederate darke. 
 Bury their gold, without or Priefl, or Clarke. 
 And fay no prayers ouer that dead pelfe : 
 True, Gold's no Chriftian, but an Indian elfe. 
 Did not the very kingdome feeme to fhake 
 Her precious mafjie limbes ? did f he not make 
 All Englifh cities (like her pulfes) beate 
 With people in their veines ? the feare Jo great. 
 That had it not bene phifickt with rare peace 
 Our populous power had lejfend her increafe. 
 The Spring-time that was dry, hadfprung in blood, 
 A greater dearth of men, than e're of foode : 
 Infuch a panting time and gafping yeare. 
 Victuals are cheapefl, only men are deare. 
 Now each wife-acred Landlord did difpaire. 
 Fearing fome villaine fhould become his heire. 
 Or that his Jonne and heire before his time. 
 Should now turne villaine, and with violence clime 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. q\ 
 
 Vp to his life, faying father you hauefeene 
 King I Henry, Edward, Mary, and the ^eene, 
 I wonder yotHle Hue longer ! then he tells him 
 Hees loth to fee him kild, therfore he kills him, 
 And each vafi Landlord dyes lyke a poore flaue : 
 Their thoufand acres makes them hut a graue. 
 At fuch a time great men conuey their treafure 
 Into the trufiy Citie : wayts the leifure 
 Of bloud and infurreStion, which warre clips. 
 When euery gate fhutts vp her Iron lips : 
 Imagine now a mighty man of duft, 
 Standeth in doubt, what feruant he may trufi, [more: 
 With Plate worth thoufands : lewels worth farre 
 If he proue falfe, then his rich Lord proues poore : 
 He calls forth one by one, to note their graces, 
 Whilfl they make legs he copies out their faces, 
 Examines their eye-browe, confiers their beard. 
 Singles their Nofe out, fiill he refts afeard : 
 'The firft that comes by no meanes heele alow, 
 Has/pyed three Hares ftarting betweene his brow, 
 ^ite turnes the word, names it Celeritie, 
 For Hares do run away, andfo may he : 
 A Jecond fhewne : him he will fear ce behold. 
 His beard' s too red, the colour of his gold: 
 A third may pleafe him, but tis hard to Jay, 
 A rich mans pleafde, when his goods part away. 
 And now do cherrup by, fine golden nefts 
 Of well hatcht bowles : fuch as do breed in feafis. 
 
92 THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 
 
 For war re and death cupboards of plate downe pulls, 
 'Then Bacchus drinkes not in gilt-bowles, but/culls. 
 Let me dejcend and fioope my verfe a while, 
 To make the Comicke cheeke of Poefie fmile ; 
 Ranck feny fathers feud (with their halfe hammes. 
 Shadowing their calues) tojaue their Jiluer dammes ; 
 At euery gun they ftart, tilt from the ground. 
 One drum can make a thoufand F/urers found. 
 In vnfought Allies and vnholefome places, 
 Back-wayes and by-lanes, where appeare fewe faces. 
 In I fhamble-fmelling roomes, loathfome proJpeSls, 
 And penny -lattice-windowes, which reieSls 
 All popularitie : there the rich Cubs lurke. 
 When in great houfes ruffians are at worke. 
 Not dreaming that Juch glorious booties lye 
 Vnder thofe nafly roofes : fuch they paffe by 
 Without ajearch, crying there s nought for vs. 
 And wealthie men deceiue poore villaines thus : 
 Tongue-trauelling Lawyers faint at Juch a day. 
 Lye JpeechleJfe,for they haue no words to Jay. 
 Phifitions turne to patients, their Arts dry , 
 For then our fat men without Phifick die. 
 And to conclude, againfl all Art and good, 
 Warre taints the T)oElor, lets the Surgion blood. 
 
 Such was the fafhion of this Land, when the 
 great Land-Lady thereof left it : Shee came in 
 with the fall of the leafe, and went away in the 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEA RE. 9,3 
 
 Spring: her life (which was dedicated to Virginitie,) 
 both beginning & clofing vp a miraculous Mayden 
 circle : for Ihe was borne vpon a Lady Eue, and 
 died vpon a Lady Eue : her Natiuitie & death 
 being memorable by this wonder : the firft and 
 laft yeares of her Raigne by this, that a Lee was ; 
 Lorde Maior when fhe came to the Crowne, and 
 a Lee Lorde Maior when fhe departed from it.J 
 Three places are made famous by her for three 
 things, Greenewich for her birth, Richmount for 
 her death, White-Hall for her Funerall : vpon her 
 remouing from whence, (to lend our tiring profe 
 a breathing time) flay, and looke vpon thefe 
 Epigrams, being compofed. 
 
 I. Vpon the Queenes last Remoue 
 
 nnHe ^eenes remou'de in Jolemne Jort , 
 
 Yet this was Jirange, andjeldomejeene, 
 I'he Queene vfde to remoue the Court, 
 But now the Court remou'de the ^eene. 
 
 2. Vpon her bringing by water 
 
 to White Hall. 
 
 "T^He Qjieene was brought by water to White Hall, 
 
 At euery ftroake, the Oares teares let fall. 
 More clung about the Barge : Fijh vnder water 
 Weft out their eyes of pearle, and /worn blind after. 
 
94 THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 
 
 I thinke the Barge-men might with eafter thyes 
 Haue rowde her thither in her peoples eyes : 
 For howjoere, thus much my thoughts haue Jkand, 
 S'had come by water, had /he come by land. 
 
 3. Vpon her lying dead at 
 miite Hall. 
 
 "T^He Qjieene lyes now at White Hall dead. 
 
 And now at White Hall liuing. 
 To make this rough obieSiion euen. 
 
 Dead at White Hall at Wejiminfter, 
 But liuing at White Hall in Heauen. 
 
 Thus you fee that both in her life and her 
 death fhee was appointed to bee the mirror of her 
 time: And furely, if fince the firft ftone that 
 was layd for the foundation of this great houfe 
 of the world, there was euer a yeare ordained to 
 be wondred at, it is only this : the Sibils, 0£to- 
 gejimus, OSiauus Annas, That same terrible 88. 
 which came fayling hither in the Spanifh. Armado, 
 1603. A more and made mens hearts colder then the 
 yeare than 88. frozen Zonc, when they heard but an 
 inckling of it : That 88 by whofe horrible pre- 
 dictions, Almanack-makers flood in bodily feare~ 
 their trade would bee vtterly ouerthrowne, and 
 poore Erra Pate r was threatned (becaufe he was 
 a lew) to be put to bafer offices than the flopping 
 
THE WONDERFULL YE A RE. 95 
 
 of muftard-pots : That fame 88. which had more 
 prophecies waiting at his heeles, tha euer Merlin 
 the Magitian had in his head, was a yeare of 
 lubtle to this. Platoes Mirabilis Jnnus^ (whether 
 it be paft alreadie, or to come within thefe foure 
 yeares) may throwe Platoes cap at Mirabilis, for 
 that title of wonderfull is beftowed vpon 1603. 
 If that facred Aromatically perfumed fire of wit 
 (out of whofe flames Phosnix poefie doth arife) 
 were burning in any breft, I would feede it with 
 no other fliuffe for a twelue-moneth and a day, than 
 with kindling papers full of lines, that fhould tell 
 only of the chances, changes, and fl:range fhapes 
 that this Prote,ai3uClima<Sber,icall-yeare hath meta- 
 morpholed himfelfe. into. It is able to finde ten 
 Chroniclers a competent liuing, and to fet twentie 
 Printers at worke. You fhall perceiue I lye not, if 
 (with Peter Bales') you will take the paines to drawe 
 the whole volume of it into the compafTe of a 
 pennie. As firft, to begin with the Queene's death, ) 
 then the Kingdomes falling into an Ague vpon t 
 that. Next, followes the curing of that feauer 
 by the holefome receipt of a proclaymed King^ 
 That wonder begat more, for in an houre, two 
 mightie Nations were made one : wilde Ireland 
 became tame on the fudden, and fome Englifti 
 great ones that before feemed tame, on the 
 fudden turned wilde : The fame Parke which 
 
96 THE WONDERFULL YE A RE. 
 
 great lulius Ctejar inclofed, to hold in that Deere 
 whome they before hunted, being now circled 
 (by a fecond dejar) with ftronger pales to keepe 
 them from leaping ouer. And laft of all (if that 
 wonder be the laft and fhut vp the yeare) a moft 
 dreadfull plague. This is the abftracft, and yet 
 (like Stowes Chronicle of Decimo Sexto to huge 
 Hollinjhead) thele fmall pricks in this Set-card of 
 ours, reprefent mightie Countreys ; whilft I haue 
 the quill in my hand, let me blow them bigger. 
 
 The Queene being honoured with a Diademe 
 of Starres, France, Spaine, and Belgia, lift vp 
 their heads, preparing to do as much for England 
 by giuing ayme, whilft fhe fhot arrowes at her 
 owne breft (as they imagined) as fhe had done 
 (many a yeare together) for them : and her 
 owne Nation betted on their fides, looking with 
 diftrafted countenance for no better guefts than 
 Ciuill Sedition, Vprores, Rapes, Murders, and 
 Maflacres. But the wheele of Fate turned, a 
 better Lottery was drawne, Pro Troia Jlabat 
 Apollo, God ftuck valiantlie to vs. For behold, 
 vp rifes a comfortable Sun out of the North, 
 whofe glorious beames / (like a fan) difperfed 
 all thick and contagious clowdes. The lofte of 
 a Queene, was paid with the double intereft of 
 a King and Queene. The Cedar of her gouern- 
 ment which ftood alone and bare no fruit, is 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 97 
 
 changed now to an Oliue, vpon whofe fpreading 
 branches grow both Kings and Queenes. Oh it 
 were able to fill a hundred, paire of writing 
 tables with noteSj but to fee the parts plaid in 
 the- compafle of one houre on the ftage of this 
 new-found world! Vpon Thurfday it was trea- 
 fon to cry God faue king lames king ^j^g i^^,^ 
 of England, and vppon Friday hye p™'^'^™^'^- 
 treafon not to cry fo. In the morning no voice 
 hearde but murmures and lamentation, at noone 
 nothing but ihoutes of gladnes & triumphe. 
 S. George and S. Andrew that rnany hundred 
 yeares had defied one another, were now fworne 
 brothers : England and Scotland (being parted 
 only with a narrow Riuer, "and the people of 
 both Empires fpeaking a language lefTe differing 
 than englifh within it felfe, as tho prouidence had 
 ena.d:ed, that one day thofe two Nations ftiould 
 marry one another) are now made fure together, and 
 king lames his Coronation, is the folemne wedding 
 day. Happieft of all thy Anceftors (thou mirror of 
 all Princes that euer were or are) that at feauen of 
 the clock wert a king but ouer a peece of a little 
 Hand, and before eleuen the greateft Monarch in 
 Chriftendome. Now 
 
 Siluer Crowds 
 Of blisful Angels and tryed Martyrs tread 
 On the Star-feeling ouer England's head : 
 D. I. T 7 
 
98 THE IVONDERFULL YEA RE. 
 
 Now heauen broke into a wonder., and brought forth 
 
 Our omne bonum from the holejome North 
 
 (Our fruitful! Souereigne ) lamus, at whoje dread 
 
 name 
 Rebellion /wounded, and (ere fince) became 
 Groueling and nerue-lejfe, wanting bloud to nourifh ; 
 For Ruine gnawes her Jelfe when kingdomes flourifh. 
 Nor are our hopes planted in regallfprings, 
 Neuer to wither, for our aire breedes kings : 
 And in all ages (from this Soueraigne time) 
 ^n^z.ndi fhall fiill be calde the royall clime. 
 Mofi blisfull Monarch of all earthen powers, 
 Serud with a mejfe of kingdomes, foure Juch bowers 
 (For I projperous hiues, and rare indufirious 
 
 fwarmes) 
 "The world containes not in her f olid armes. 
 O thou that art the Meeter of our dayes. 
 Poets Apollo ! deale thy Daphnaan hayes 
 'To thoje whofe wits are bay -trees, euer greene, 
 Vpon whofe hye tops Poefie chirps vnjeene : 
 Such are moji fit, t'apparell Kings in rimes, 
 WhoJe filuer numbers are the Mujes chimes ; 
 WhoJe fpritely car alters (being once wrought on) 
 Out-liue the marble tKare infculpt vpon : 
 Let fuch men c haunt thy vertue, then they fly e 
 On Learnings wings vp to Eternitie. 
 As for the reft, that limp (in cold defer t ) 
 Hauing fmall wit, leffe iudgement, and leaft Art : 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE gg 
 
 Their verfe ! t'ls almoft herefie to heare ; 
 
 Banijli their lines fame furlongs from thine eare : 
 
 For tis held dangrous (by Apolloes ftgne ) 
 
 To be infeSled with a leaprous li?ie. 
 
 O make fame Adamant ASl (nere to be worne) 
 
 That none may write but thoje that are true- 
 
 borne : 
 So when the worlds old cheekes Jhall race and 
 
 peek. 
 Thy AEls jhall breath in Epitaphs of Steele. 
 
 By thefe Comments it appeares that by this time 
 King lames is proclaimed : now does frefh blood 
 leape into the cheekes of the Courtier: The ioyes that 
 the Souldier now hangs vp his armor, ^""hirproT"" 
 and is glad that he fhall feede vpon ''^^"''"s. 
 the blefled fruites of peace : the Scholler fings 
 Hymnes in honor of the Mufes, affuring himfelfe 
 now that Helicon will bee kept pure, becaufe 
 Apollo himfelfe drinkes of if. Now the thriftie 
 Citizen cafts beyond the Moone, and feeing the 
 golden age returned into the world againe, re- 
 fblues to worfhip no Saint but money. Trades 
 that lay dead & rotten, and were in all mens 
 opinion vtterly dambd, ftarted out of their trance, 
 as though they had drunke of A-qua Caleflis, or 
 Vnicorns home, and fwore to fall to their olde 
 occupatioKS. Taylors meant no more to be called 
 
100 THE WONDERFULL .VE4.RE. 
 
 /Merchant-taylors, but Merchants,. for their fhops 
 were all lead foorth in leafes to be turned into 
 fhipSj and with their fheares (in ftead of a Rud- 
 der) would they • haue/ cut the Seas (like Leuant 
 TafFaty) and fayld to the Weft Indies for no 
 worfe ftuiFe to make hofe, and doublets of, than 
 beaten gold: Or if the neceflitie-"of the. time 
 (which was likely to ftand altogether vpon 
 brauery) . fhould prefTe them to ferue with their 
 iron and Spanifh weapons vpon their 'ftalls, then 
 was there a fharpe law made amongft them, that 
 no workman fhould handle any needle but that 
 which had a pearle in his eye, nor any copper 
 thimble, vnlefle it were linde quite through, or 
 bumbafted with Siluer. What Mechanical] hard 
 handed Vulc'anift (feeing the dice of Fortune run 
 fo fweetly, and refoluing to ftrike whilft the iron 
 was hote) but perfwaded himfelfe to bee Maifter 
 or head Warden of the company ere halfe a yeare 
 went about ? The worft players Boy ftood vpon 
 his good parts, fwearing tragicalf and buflcing 
 oathes, that how vilainoufly foeuer he randed, or 
 what bad and vnlawfull adtion foeuer he entred 
 into, he would in defpite of his honeft audience 
 be halfe a fharer (at leaft) at home, or elfe ftrowle 
 (thats to fay trauell) with fome notorious wicked 
 floundring company abroad. And good reafon 
 had thefe time-catchers to be led into this fooles 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. loi 
 
 paradice, for they Tawe mirth in euery mans face, 
 the ftreetes were plumd with gallants, Tabac- 
 conifts fild vp whole Taaernes : Vintners hung 
 out fpicke and fpan new luy buihes (becaufe 
 they Wanted . good wine) and their old raine- 
 beaten lattices marcht vnder other cuUors, hauing 
 loft both company and cullors before. London 
 was neuer in the high way to preferment till 
 now ; now fhe refplued to ftand upon her pan- 
 tofBes : now (and neuer till now) did fhe laugh 
 to fcdrne that worme-eaten prouerbe of Lincolne 
 was, London is, & Torke fhall bee, for ftie faw 
 her felfe. in better ftate then lerufalem, ftie went 
 more gallant then guer did Antwerp, was more 
 courted by amorous and luftie fuiters then Venice 
 (the minion of Italy) more loftie towers ftood 
 (like a Coronet^ or a fpangled head-tire) about 
 her Temples, then euer did about the beautifuU 
 forehead of Rome : Tyrus and Sydon to her were 
 like two thatcht houfes, to 'Theobals : y grand 
 Gayr but a hogfty. Htnc ilia lachryma. She 
 wept her belly full for all this. Whilft "Troy was 
 fwilling fack and fugar, and mowling fat venifon, 
 the mad Greekes made bonefires of their houfes : 
 Old Priam was drinking a health to the /wooden 
 horfe, and before it could be pledgd had his 
 throat cut. Corne is no fooner ripe, but for all 
 the pricking vp of his eares hee is pard off by 
 
2 THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 
 
 the fhins, and made to goe vpon flumps. Flowers 
 no fooner budded, but they are pluckt vp and 
 dye. Night walks at the heeles of the day, and 
 forrowe enters (like a tauerne-bill) at the taile 
 of our pleafures: for in the Appenine heigth of 
 this immoderate ioy and fecuritie (that like 
 Powles Steeple ouer-lookt the whole Citie) Be- 
 hold, that miracle-worker, who in one minute 
 turnd our generall mourning to a generall mirth, 
 does now againe in a moment alter that gladnes- 
 to fhrikes & lamentation. Here would I faine 
 •rake a full point, becaufe pofteritie fhould not 
 be frighted with thofe miferable Tragedies, which 
 The Plague, now my Mufe (as Chorus) ftands ready 
 to prefent. Time, would thou hadft neuer bene 
 made wretched by bringing them forth : Obli- 
 uion, would in all the graues and fepulchres, whofe 
 ranke iawes thou haft already clofd vp, or fhalt 
 yet hereafter burft open, thou couldft likewife 
 bury them for euer. 
 
 A ftiffe and freezing horror fucks vp the riuers 
 of my blood : my haire ftands an ende with the 
 panting of my braines : mine eye balls are ready 
 to ftart out, being beaten with the billowes of my 
 teares : out of my weeping pen does the inck 
 mournefully and more bitterly than gall drop on 
 the pale fac'd paper, euen when I do but thinke 
 how the bowels of my ficke Country haue bene 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 103 
 
 tprne : Apollo thferefore and you bewitching filuer- 
 tongd Mufes, get you gone, I inuocate none of your 
 names : Sorrow & Truth, fit you on each fide of 
 me, whilft I am deliuered of this deadly burden: 
 prompt me that I. may vtter ruthfull and paffionate 
 Qpndoleitient : arme my trembling hand, that it 
 may boldly rip vp and, Afietimi?.e the vlcerous 
 body of t\iis Anthropofhagized plague : Anthropo- 
 lend me Art (without any counterfeit scithimsf'that 
 
 /ij .,-. Ill- 1 feed on mens 
 
 Ihadowing) to pamt and delineate to the flesh. 
 life the whole ftory of this mortall and peftiferous 
 battaile, & you the ghofts of thofe more (by many) 
 then 40o6o-.,that with the virulent poifon of in- 
 ffecftion haue bene driuen out of your earthly 
 dwellings ; you defolate hand-wringing widowes 
 th^t , beate your bofomes ouer your departing 
 hufbands :• you wofully diftradted mothers that 
 with diflieueld haire falne into fwounds, whilft you 
 lye kiffing the infenfible cold lips /of your breath- 
 bffe Infants : you out-caft and downe-troden 
 Orphanes, that fhall many a yeare hence remember 
 more frelhly. to mourne,. when your mourning 
 garments fhall looke pide and be forgotten; and 
 you the Genij of all thofe emptyed families, whofe 
 habitations are now among the Antipodes : loyne, 
 all your hands together, and with your bodies cafl: 
 a ring about me : let me behold your ghaftly 
 vizages, that my paper may receiue their true 
 
104 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 pidures : Eccho forth your grones through the 
 hollow truncke of my pen, and raine downe your 
 gummy teares into mine Incke, that euen marble 
 bofomes may be fhaken with terrour, and hearts of 
 Adamant melt into compaffion. 
 
 What an vnmatchable torment were it for a 
 man to be bard vp euery night in a vaft filent 
 Charnell-houfe ? hung (to make it more hideous) 
 with lamps dimly & flowly burning, in hollow 
 and glimmering corners : where all the pauement 
 fhould in ftead of greene rufhes, be ftrewde with 
 blafted Rofemary : withered Hyacinthes, fatall 
 Ciprefle and Ewe, thickly mingled with heapes 
 of dead mens bones : the bare ribbes of a father 
 that begat him, lying there : here the Chapleffe 
 hollow fcull of a mother that bore him : round 
 about him a thoufand Coarfes, fome {landing bolt 
 vpright in their knotted winding iheetes : others 
 halfe mouldred in rotten coffins, that fhould 
 fuddenly yawne wide open, filling his nofthrils 
 with- noyfome flench, and his eyes with the fight 
 of nothing but. crawling wormes. And to keepe 
 fuch a poore wretch waking, he fhould heare no 
 noife but of Toads croaking, Screech-Owles 
 howling. Mandrakes fhriking: were r iot this_an 
 infernal! prifon? would not the flrongefl-harted 
 man (befet with fuch a ghaflly horror) looke wilde ? 
 and run madde ? and die ? And euen fuch a 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 105 
 
 formidable fli ape did the difeafed Citie appeare in: 
 For he that durft (in the dead houre of gloomy 
 midnight) haue bene fo valiant, as to haue walkt 
 through the ftill and melancholy ftreets, what 
 thinke you fhould haue bene his muficke ? Surely 
 the loud grones of rauing ficke men ; the ftrugling 
 panges of foules departing : In euery houfe griefe 
 ftriking vp an Allarum : Seruants crying out for 
 maifters : wiues for hufbands, parents for children, 
 children for their mothers : here he fhould haue 
 met fome frantickly running to knock vp Sextons ; 
 there, others fearfully / fweating with Coffins, to 
 fteale forth dead bodies, leaft the fatall hand-writing 
 of death fhould feale vp their doores. And to 
 make this difmall confort more full, round about 
 him Bells heauily tolling in one place, and ringing 
 out in another. The dreadfulnefTe, of fuch an 
 houre, is invtterable : let vs goe further. If fome 
 poore man, fuddeinly ftarting out of a fweete and 
 golden flumber, fhould behold his houfe flaming 
 about his eares, all his family deftroied in their 
 fleepes by the mercilefle fire ; himfelfe in the very 
 midfl of it, wofully and like a madde man calling 
 for helpe : would not the mifery of fuch a dis- 
 trefTed foule, appeare the greater, if the rich Vfurer 
 dwelling next doore to him, fhould not flirre, 
 (though he felt part of the danger) but fuffer him 
 to perifh, when, the thrufting out of an' arme might 
 
io6 THE WONDERFULL YE ARE. 
 
 haue faued him ? O how many thoufands of 
 wretched people haue adled this poore mana part ? 
 how often hath the amazed hufband waking, found 
 the comfort of his bedde lying breathlefle by his 
 fide ! his children at the fame inftant gafping for 
 life ! and his feruants mortally wounded at the 
 hart by ficknes ! the diftrafted creature, beats at 
 death doores, exclaimes at windowes, his cries 
 are fharp inough to pierce heauen, but on earth 
 no eare is opend, to receiue them. And in this 
 manner do the tedious minutes of the night ftretch 
 out the forrowes of ten thoufand : It is now day, 
 let vs looke forth and try what Confolation rizes 
 with the Sun : not any, not any : for before the 
 lewell of the morning be fully fet in filuer, hun- 
 dred hungry graues ftand gaping, and euery one 
 of them (as at a breakfaft) hath fwallowed downe 
 ten or eleuen liueleffe carcafes : before dinner, in 
 the fame gulfe are twice fo many more deuoured : 
 and before the Sun takes his reft, thofe numbers 
 are doubled : Three fcore that not many houres 
 before had euery one feuerall lodgings very 
 delicately furnifht, are now thruft altogether into 
 one clofe roome : a litle noifome roome : not 
 fully ten foote fquare. Doth not this ftrike coldly 
 to y hart of a worldly mifer ? To fome, the very 
 found of deaths name is in ftead of a paffing-bell : 
 what fhall become of fuch a coward, being told 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEA RE. 107 
 
 that the felfe-fame bodie of his, which is now I'o 
 pampered with fuperfluous fare, fo perfumed and 
 bathed in odoriferous waters, and fo gaily apparelled 
 in varietie of fafhios, ■ muft one day be throwne 
 (like {linking canon) into a rank & rotten graue ; 
 where his goodly eies y did once fhootc foorth / 
 fuch amorous glances, muft be beaten out of his 
 head : his lockes that hang wantonly dangling, 
 troden in durt vnder-foote : this doubtleffe (like 
 thunder) muft needs ftrike him into the earth. 
 But (wretched man !) when thou fhalt fee, and be 
 affured (by tokens fent thee from heauen) that 
 to-morrow thou muft be tumbled into a Mucke- 
 pit, and fuffer thy body to be bruifde and preft 
 with three fcore dead men, lying flouenly vpon 
 thee, and thou to be vndermoft of all ! yea and 
 perhaps halfe of that number were thine enemies ! 
 (and fee howe they may be reuenged, for the 
 wormes that breed out of their putrifying car- 
 kaftes, fhall crawle in huge fwlrmes from them, 
 and quite deuoure thee) what agonies will this 
 ftrange newes driue thee into ? If thou art in 
 loue with thy felfe, this cannot choofe but poftefle 
 thee with frenzie. But thou art gotten fafe (out 
 of the ciuill citie Calamitie) to thy Parkes and 
 Pallaces in the Country, lading thy aiTes and thy 
 Mules with thy gold (thy god), thy plate, and thy. 
 Jewels : and the fruites of thy wombe thriftily 
 
io8 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 growing vp but in one onely fonne (the young 
 Landlord of all thy carefull labours) him alfo haft 
 thou refcued from the arrowes of infection : Now 
 is thy foule iocund, and thy fences merry. But 
 open thine eyes, thou Foole and behold that 
 darling of thine eye (thy fonne) turnd fuddeinly 
 into a lumpe of clay : the hand of peftilence hath 
 fmote him euen vnder thy wing : Now doeft thou 
 rent thine haire, blafpheme thy Creator, curfeft 
 thy creation, and bafely defcendeft into bruitifh 
 & vnmanly paffions, threatning in defpite of death 
 & his Plague, to maintaine the memory of thy 
 childe, in the euerlafting breft of Marble : a tombe 
 muft now defend him from tempefts : and for that 
 purpofe, the fwetty hinde (that digs the rent he 
 paies thee out of the entrailes of the earth) he is 
 fent for, to conuey forth that burden of thy 
 forrow : But note how thy pride is difdained : 
 that weather-beaten fun-burnt drudge, that not a 
 month fince fawnd vpon thy Worfhip like a 
 Spaniell, and like a bond-flaue, would haue ftoopt 
 lower than thy feete, does now ftoppe his nofe at 
 thy prefence, and is ready to fet his Maftiue as 
 hye as thy throate, to driue thee from his doore : 
 all thy gold and filuer cannot hire one of thofe 
 (whom before thou didft fcorne) to carry the dead 
 body to his laft home : the Country round about 
 thee fhun thee, as a Bafilifke, / and therefore to 
 
THE WONDERFULL YE A RE. log 
 
 London (from whofe armes thou cowardly fledft 
 away) poaft vpon poaft muft be galloping, to fetch 
 from thence thofe that may performe that Funerall 
 Office : But there are they fo full of graue-matters 
 of their owne, that they haue no leifure to attend 
 thine.: doth not this cut thy very heart-ftrings in 
 funder ? , If that doe not, the fhutting vp of the 
 Tragicall A61, I am fure will : for thou muft be 
 inforced with thine owne handes, to winde vp 
 (that blafted flower of youth) in the laft linnen, 
 that euer he fhall weare : vpon thine owne fhoul- 
 ders muft thou beare part of him, thy amazed 
 feruant the other : with thine owne hands muft 
 thou dig his graue, (not in the Church, or common 
 place of burial],) thou haft not fauour (for all thy 
 riches) to be fo happie, but in thine Orcharde, or 
 in the proude walkes of thy Garden, wringing thy 
 palfie-ftiaking hands in ftead of belles, (moft mifer- 
 able father) muft thou fearch him out a fepulcher. 
 
 My fpirit growes faint with rowing in this 
 Stygian Ferry, it can no longer endure the trans- 
 portation of foules in this dolefuU manner : let vs 
 therefore ft\ift a point of our CompafTe, and (fince 
 there is no remedie, but that we muft ftill bee toft 
 vp and downe in this Mare mortuum) hoift vp all 
 ^ o\xv failes, and on the merry winges of a luftier 
 winde feeke to arriue on fome profperous ftiore. 
 
 Imagine then that all this while. Death (like a 
 
no THE WONDERFULL YEARS 
 
 Spanifh Leagar, or rather like ftalking T'amberlaine) 
 hath pitcht his tents, (being nothing but a heape 
 of winding fheetes tackt together) in the finfully- 
 polluted Suburbes : the Plague is Mufter-maifter 
 
 ■ and Marfhall of the field : Burning Feauers, 
 Boyles, Blaines, and Carbuncles, the Leaders, 
 Lieutenants, Serieants, and Corporalls : the maine 
 Army confifting (like Dunkirke) of a mingle- 
 mangle, viz., dumpifh Mourners, merry Sextons, 
 hungry Coffin-fellers, fcrubbing Bearers, and naftie 
 Graue-makers : but indeed they are the Pioners 
 of the Campe, that are imployed onely (like 
 Moles) in cafting vp of earth and digging of 
 trenches ; Feare and Trembling (the two Catch- 
 polles of Death) arreft euery one : No parley will 
 be graunted, no compofition flood vpon, But the 
 Allarum is flrucke vp, the 'Toxin ringes out for 
 life, and no voyce heard but Tue, Tue, Kill, Kill ; 
 the little Belles / onely (like fmall fhot) doe not 
 yet goe off, and make no great worke for wormes, 
 a hundred or two loft in euery fkirmilh, or fo : 
 But alas thats nothing : yet by thofe defperat 
 fallies, what by open fetting vpon them by day, 
 
 I and fecret Ambufcadoes by night, the fkirts of 
 London were pittifully pared off, by litle and litle : 
 which they within the gates perceiuing, it was 
 no boot to bid them take their heeles, for away 
 they trudge thick and three fold ; fome riding, 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEA RE. in 
 
 fome on fpote : . fome without bootes, fome in 
 their flippers, by water, by land : In fhoaies fwom 
 they Weft-ward, mary to Grauefend none went 
 vhlefTe they be driuen, for whofoeuer landed 
 there neuer came back again : Hacknies, water- 
 men & Wagons, were not fo terribly imployed 
 many a yeare ; fo that within a fhort time, there 
 was not a good horfe in Smith-field, nor a Coach 
 to be fet eye on. For after the world had once 
 run vpon the wheeles of the Peft-cart, neithe[r] 
 coach nor caroach durft appeare in his likenefle. 
 
 Let vs purfue thefe runawayes no longer, but 
 leaue them in the vnmercifuU hands of the 
 Country-hard-hearted HobbinoUs, (who are ordaind 
 to be their Tormentors) and returne backe to 
 the fiege of the Citie, for the enemie taking 
 aduantage by their flight, planted his ordinance 
 againft the walls ; here the Canons (like their 
 great Bells) roard : the Plague took fore paines 
 for a breach ; he laid about him cruelly, ere he 
 could get it, but at length he and his tiranous 
 band entred : his purple colours were prefently 
 (with the found of Bow-bell inftead of a trumpet) 
 aduanced, and ioynd to the Standard of the Citie ; 
 he marcht euen thorow Cheapfide, and the capitall 
 ftreets of Troynouant : the only blot of difhonor 
 that ftruck vpon this Inuader, being this, that 
 hee plaide the tyrant, not the conqueror, making 
 
112 THE WONDERFULL YEARS.. 
 
 hauocke of all, when he had all lying, at the foote 
 of his mercy. Men, women & children dropt 
 downe before him : houfes were rifled, ftreetes 
 ranfackt, beautifuU maidens throwne on their 
 beds, and rauiflit by ficknes : rich mens Cofers 
 broken open, and fhared aniongfl: prpdigall heires 
 and vnthriftie feruants : poore men vfde poorely, 
 but not pittifully ; he did very much hurt, yet 
 fome fay he did very much good. Howfoeuer 
 he behaued himfelfe, this intelligence runs currant, 
 that euery houfe lookt like S. Bartholmewes 
 Hofpitall, and/ euery flreete like Bucklerfbury for 
 poore Methridatum and Dragon-water (being both 
 of them in all the world, fcarce worth three-pence) 
 were bort in euery corner, and yet were both 
 drunke euery houre at other mens coft. / Lazarus 
 lay groning at euery mans doore : mary no Diues 
 was within to fend him a crum, (for all your 
 Gold-finches were fled to the woods) not a dogge 
 left to licke vp his fores, for they (like Curres) 
 were knockt downe like Oxen, and fell thicker 
 then Acornes. 
 
 I am amazed to remember what dead Marches 
 were made of three thoufand trooping together ; 
 hufbands, wiues & children being led as ordinarily 
 to one graue, as if they had gone to one bed. 
 And thofe that could fliift for a time, and fhrink 
 their heads out of the collar (as many did) yet 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 113 
 
 went they (moft bitterly) miching and muffled 
 vp & downe, with Rue and Wormewood ftuft 
 into their eares and nofthrils, looking like fo many 
 Bores heads ftuck with branches of Rofemary, to 
 be ferued in for Brawne at Chriflmas. 
 
 This was a rare worlde for the Church, who 
 had wont to complaine for want of liuing, and 
 now had more liuing thruft vpon her, than fhe 
 knew how to beftow : to haue bene Clarke now 
 to a parifli Clarke, was better then to ferue fome 
 foolifli luftice of Peace, or than the yeare before 
 to haue had a Benefice. Sextons gaue out, if . 
 they might (as they hoped) continue thefe doings 
 but a tweluemonth longer, they and their pofteritie 
 would all ryde vppon footecloathes to the ende 1 
 of the world. Amorigft which worme-eaten 
 generation, the three bald Sextons of limping 
 Saint Gyles., Saint Sepulchres, and Saint Olaues, ' 
 rulde the roafte more hotly, than euer did the 
 Triumuiri of Rome. lehochanan, Symeon, and 
 Eleazar, neuer kept fuch a plaguy coyle in 
 lerujalem among the hunger-ftarued lewes, as 
 thefe three Sharkers did in their Parifhes among 
 naked Chriftians. Curfed they were I am fure 
 by fome to the pitte of hell, for tearing money 
 out of their throates, that had not a crofTe in 
 their purfes. But alas ! they muft haue it, it 
 is their Fee, and therefore giue the Diuell his 
 D. I. 8 
 
114 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 * 
 
 due : Onely Hearbe-wiues and Gardeners (that 
 neuer prayed before vnleffe it were for Raine or 
 faire weather,) were now day and night vppon 
 their marybones, that God would blefle the 
 labors of thofe mole-catchers, / becaufe they fucke 
 fweetneffe by this ; for the price of flowers, 
 Hearbes and garlands, rofe wonderfully, in fo 
 much that Rofemary which had wont to be fold 
 for 12. pence an armefuU, went now for fix 
 fhillings a handfull. 
 
 A fourth ftiarer likewife (thefe winding-fheete- 
 weauers) deferues to haue my penne giue his 
 lippes a lewes Letter, but becaufe he worfliips 
 the Bakers good Lord & Maifter, charitable S. 
 CUment (whereas none of the other three euer had 
 to do with any Saint) he fhall fcape the better : 
 only let him take heede, that hauing all this 
 yeare buried his praiers in the bellies of Fat ones, 
 and plump Capon eaters, (for no worfe meat 
 would downe this ^/y-foxes ftomach) let him 
 I fay take heede leaft (his flefh now falling 
 away) his carcas be not plagude with leane ones, 
 of whom (whilft the bill of hard haue mercy 
 vpon vs, was to be denied in no place) it was 
 death for him to heare. 
 
 In this pittifull (or rather pittilefle) perplexitie 
 ftood London, forfaken like a Louer, forlorne like 
 a widow, and difarmde of all comfort : difarmde 
 
THE WONDERFULL YE A RE. 115 
 
 I may well fay, for fiue Rapiers were not ftirring 
 all this time, and thofe that were worne, had 
 neuer bin feene, if any money could haue bene 
 lent vpon them: fo hungry is the Eftridge difeafe, 
 ' that it will deuoure euen Iron: let vs therefore 
 with bag & baggage march away from this 
 dangerous fore Citie, and vifit thofe that are 
 fled into the Country. But alas ! Decidis in 
 Scyllam, you are pepperd if you vifit them, for 
 they are vifited alreadie : the broad Arrow of 
 Death, flies there vp & downe, as fwiftly as 
 it doth here : they that rode on the luftiefl: 
 geldings could not out-gallop the Plague. It 
 ouer-tooke them, and ouer-turnd them too, horfe 
 and foote. 
 
 You whom the arrowes of pefl:ilence haue ■ 
 reacht at eighteen and twenty fcore (tho you 
 fl;ood far enough as you thought fro the marke) 
 you that fickning in the hie way, would haue 
 bene glad of a bed in an Hofpitall, and dying 
 in the open fieldes, haue bene buried like dogs, 
 how much better had it bin for you, to haue 
 lyen fuller of byles and plague-fores than euer 
 did loby fo you might in that extremity haue ' 
 receiued both bodily & fpiritual comfort, which 
 there was denied you ? For thofe mifljeleeuing 
 Pagans, the plough-driuers, thofe worfe then j 
 Infidels, that (like their Swine) neuer / looke vp 
 
ii6 THE WONDERFULL YEA RE. 
 
 \ lo high as Heauen : when Citizens boorded them 
 I they wrung their hands, and wifht rather they 
 had falne into the hands of Spaniards: for the 
 I fight of a flat-cap was more dreadful! to a Lob, 
 Ithen the difcharging of a Caliuer : a treble-ruiFe 
 (being but once named the Merchants fet) had 
 power to caft a whole houfhold into a cold fweat. 
 If one newe fuite of Sackcloth had beene but 
 knowne to haue come out of Burchin-lane (being 
 the common Wardrope for all their Clowne- 
 fhips) it had beene enough to make a Market 
 towne giue vp the ghoft. A Crow that had 
 beene feene in a Sunne-fliine day, fl:anding on 
 the top of Powles, would haue beene better than 
 a Beacon on fire, to haue raizd all the townes 
 within ten miles of London, for the keeping her 
 out. 
 
 Neuer let any man alke me what became of 
 our Phifitions in this Mafl"acre : they hid their 
 Synodicall heads afwell as the prowdeft : and 
 I cannot blame them, for their Phlebotomies, 
 Lofinges, and Eledluaries, with their Diacatholi- 
 cons, Diacodiens, Amulets, and Antidotes had 
 not fo much ftrength to hold life and foule 
 together, as a pot of Finders Ale and a Nutmeg : 
 their Drugs turned to Durt, their fimples were 
 fimple things, Galen could do no more good, than 
 Sir Giles Goofecap : Hipocrates, Auicen, Parafelfus, 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEA RE. 117 
 
 Rafts, Fernelius, with all their fucceeding rabble 
 of Doctors and Water-cafters, were at their wits 
 end, or I thinke rather at the worlds end, for 
 not one of them durft peepe abroad; or if any 
 one did take vpon him to play the ventrous 
 Knight, the Plague put him to his Nonplus; in 
 fuch ftrange, and fuch changeable fhapes did this 
 Cameleon-like ficknes appeare, that they could 
 not (with all the cunning in their budgets) make 
 purfenets to take him napping. 
 
 Onely a band of Defper-vewes, fome few 
 Empiricall rnadcaps (for they could neuer be 
 worth veluet caps) turned themfelues into Bees 
 (or more properly into Drones) and went hum- 
 ming vp and downe, with hony-brags in their 
 mouthes, fucking the fweetnes of Siluer (and 
 now and then of Aurum Poiabile) out of the 
 poifon of Blaines and Carbuncles : and thefe 
 iolly Mountibanks clapt vp their bils vpon euery 
 poft (like a Fencers Challenge) threatning to 
 canuas the Plague, and to fight / with him at 
 all his owne feuerall weapons : I know not how 
 they fped, buf fome they fped I am fure, for I 
 haue heard them band for the Heauens, becaufe 
 they fent thofe thither, that were wifht to tarry 
 longer vpon earth. 
 
 I could in this place make your cheekes looke 
 pale, and your hearts fliake, with telling how 
 
ii8 THE WONDERFULL YE A RE. 
 
 fome haue had i8. fores at one time running 
 vpon them, others lo. and 12., many 4. and' f. 
 and how thofe that haue bin foure times wounded 
 by this yeares infedtion, haue dyed of the laft 
 wound, whilft others (that were hurt as often) 
 goe vp and downe now with founder limmes, 
 then many that come out of France, and the 
 Netherlands. And defcending from thefe, I could 
 draw forth a Catalogue of many poore wretches, 
 that in fieldes, in ditches, in common Cages, and 
 vnder ftalls (being either thruft by cruell maifters 
 out of doores, or wanting all worldly fuccour 
 but the common benefit of earth and aire) haue 
 moft miferably periflied. But to chronicle thefe 
 would weary a fecond Fabian. 
 
 We will therefore play the Souldiers, who at 
 the end of any notable battaile, with a kind of 
 fad delight rehearfe the memorable afts of their 
 friends that lye mangled before them : fome 
 fhewing how brauely they gaue the onfet ; fome, 
 how politickly they retirde : others, how manfully 
 they gaue and receiued wounds : a fourth fteps 
 forth, and glories how valiantly hee loft an arme : 
 all of them making (by this meanes) the remem- 
 brance euen of tragicall and mifchieuous euents 
 very delegable. Let vs ftriue to do fo, difcourfing. 
 (as it were at the end of this mortall fiege of the 
 Plague) of the feuerall moft worthy accidents 
 
THE WONDERFULL YE ARE. 119 
 
 and ftrange birthes which this peftiferous yeare 
 hath brought foorth : fome of them yeelding 
 Comicall and ridiculous ftuffe, others lamentable : 
 a third kind, vpholding rather admiration, then 
 laughter or pittie. " 
 
 As firft, to relifh the pallat of lickerifh ex- 
 peftation, and withall to giue an Item how fudden 
 a ftabber this ruffianly fwaggerer (Death) is, You 
 mufl: beleeue, that amongft all the weary number 
 of thofe that (on their bare feete) haue trauaild 
 (in this long and heauie vocation) to the Holy- 
 land, one (whofe name I could for neede beftow 
 vpon you, but that I know you haue no need/ 
 of it, tho many want a good name) lying in that 
 comon Inne of fick-men, his bed, & feeing the 
 black & blew ftripes of the plague flicking on 
 his flefh, which he receiued as tokens (from 
 heauen) that he was prefently to goe dwell in 
 the vpper world, moft earneftly requefted, and 
 in a manner coniured his friend (who came to 
 enterchange a laft farewell) that hee would fee 
 him goe handfomely attirde into the wild Irifh 
 countrey of wormes, and for that purpofe to 
 beftow a Coffin vpon him : his friend louing him 
 (not becaufe he was poore yet he was poore) but 
 becaufe hee was a Scholler : Alack that the Weft 
 Indies ftand fo farre from Vniuerfities ! and that 
 a minde richly apparelled iliould haue a threed- 
 
120 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 bare body!) made faithfull promife to him, that 
 he ihould be naild vp, he would boord him : and 
 for that purpofe went inftantly to one of the new- 
 ly-' found trade of Coffin-cutters, befpake one, and 
 (like the Surueyour of deaths buildings) gaue 
 direftion how this little Tenement fhould be 
 framed, paying all the rent for it before hand. 
 But note vpon what flippery ground life goes ! 
 little did he thinke to dwell in that roome himfelfe 
 which he had taken for his friend : yet it feemed 
 the common law of mortalitie had fo decreede, 
 for hee was cald into the cold companie of his 
 graue neighbours an houre before his infedbed 
 friend, and had a long leafe (euen till doomes 
 day) in the fame lodging, which in the ftrength 
 of health he went to prepare for another. What 
 credit therefore is to be giuen to breath, which 
 like an harlot will runne away with euery minute ? 
 How nimble is ficknefle, and what flcill hath 
 he in all the weapons he playes withall? The 
 greateft cutter that takes vp the Mediterranean 
 He in Powles for his Gallery to walke in, cannot 
 ward off his blowes. Hees the beft Fencer in 
 the world : Vincentio Sauiolo is no body to him : 
 He has his Mandrittaes, Imbrocataes, Stramazones, 
 and Stoccataes at his fingers ends : heele make 
 you giue him ground, though ye v/ere neuer 
 worth foote of land, and beat you out of breath, 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEA RE. 121 
 
 though Aeolus himfelfe plaid vpo your wind- 
 pipe. 
 
 To witnes which, I will call forth a Dutch-man 
 (yet now hees paft calling for, has loft his hearing, 
 for his eares by this time are eaten off with 
 wormes) who (though hee dwelt in Bedleni) was 
 not mad, yet the very lookes of the Plague 
 (which indeed / are terrible) put him almoft out 
 of his wits, for when the fnares of this cunning 
 hunter (the Peftilence) were but newly layd, and 
 yet layd (as my Dutch-man fmelt it out well 
 enough) to intrap poore mens Hues that meant 
 him no hurt, away fneakes my clipper of the 
 kings englifh, and (becaufe Mufket-fhot fhould 
 not reach him) to the Low-countries (that are 
 built vpon butter-firkins, and Holland cheefe) 
 failes this plaguie fugitiue, but death, (who hath 
 more authoritie there then all the feauen Eledtors, 
 and to JJhew him that there were other Low- 
 countrey befides his owne) takes a little Frekin 
 (one of my Dutch runnawayes children) and fends 
 her packing, into thofe Netherlands fhee departed : 
 O how pitifully lookt my Burgomaifter, when he 
 vnderftood that the ficknes could fwim ! It was 
 an eafie matter to fcape the Dunkirks, but Deaths 
 Gallyes made out after him fwifter then the great 
 Turkes. Which he perceiuing, made no more 
 adoo, but drunke to the States fiue or fixe healths 
 
122 THE WONDERFULL YEARE, 
 
 (becaufe he would be fure to Hue well) and backe 
 againe comes he, to try the ftrength of Englifli 
 Beere : his old Randeuous of mad men was the 
 place of meeting, where he was no fooner arriued, 
 but the Plague had him by the backe, and arretted 
 him vpon an Exeat Regnum, for running to the 
 enemie, fo that for the mad tricks he plaid to 
 cozen our Englifh wormes of his Dutch carkas 
 (which had beene fatted heere) ficknefle and 
 death clapt him vp in Bedlem the fecond time, 
 and there he lyes, and there he fhall lye till he 
 rot before ile meddle any more with him. 
 
 But being gotten out of Bedlem, let vs make a 
 iourney to Briftow, taking an honeft knowne 
 Citizen along with vs, who with other company 
 trauailing thither (onely for feare the aire of 
 London fhould confpire to poifon him) and fetting 
 vp his reft not to heare the found of Bow-bell 
 till next Chriftmas, was notwithftanding in the 
 hye way fingled out from his company, and fet 
 vpon by the Plague, who bad him ftand, and 
 deliuer his life. The reft at that word ftiifted for 
 themfelues, and went on, hee (amazed to fee his 
 friends flye, and being not able to defend himfelfe, 
 for who can defend himfelfe meeting fuch an 
 enemye ?) yeelded, and being but about fortie 
 miles from London, vfed all the flights he could to 
 get loofe out of the handes of death, and fo to 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 123 
 
 hide / himfelfe in his owne houfe, whereupon he 
 call'd for help at the fame Inne, where not long 
 before he and his fellowe pilgrimes obtained for 
 their money (mary yet with more prayers then 
 a beggar makes in three Termes) to ftand and 
 drinke fome thirtie foote from the doore. To 
 this houfe of tipling iniquitie hee repaires againe, 
 coniuring the Lares or walking Sprites in it, if it 
 were Chriftmas (that if was well put in) and in the 
 name of God, to fuccor and refcue him to their 
 power out of the handes o'f infeftion, which now 
 aflaulted his body : the Diuell would haue bene 
 afraid of this coniuration, but they were not, yet 
 afraid they were it feemed, for prefently the doores 
 had their woodden ribs crufht in pieces, by being 
 beaten together : the cafements were fhut more 
 clofe than an Vfurers greafie veluet powch : the 
 drawing windowes were hangd, drawne, and 
 quartred : not a creuis but was ftopt, not a 
 moufe-hole left open, for all the holes in the 
 houfe were moft wickedly dambd vp : mine 
 Hofte and Hoftefle ran ouer one another into 
 the backe-fide, the maydes into the Orchard, 
 quiuering and quaking, and ready to hang them- 
 felues on the innocent Plumb-trees (for hanging to 
 them would not be fo fore a death, as the Plague, 
 and to die maides too ! O horrible !) As for the 
 Tapfter, he fled into the Cellar, rapping out flue 
 
124 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 or fixe plaine Country oathes, that hee would 
 drowne himfelfe in a moft villanous Stand of Ale, 
 if the ficke Londoner ftoode at the doore any 
 longer. But ftand there he muft, for to go away 
 (well) he cannot, but continues knocking and 
 calling in a faint voyce, which in their eares 
 founded, as if fome ftaring ghoft in a Tragedie 
 had exclaimd vpon Rhadamanth : he might 
 knocke till his hands akte, and call till his heart 
 akte for they were in a worfe pickle within, then 
 hee was without : hee being in a good way to 
 go to Heauen, they being fo frighted, that they 
 fcarce knew whereabout Heauen ftoode, onely 
 they all cryed out. Lord haue mercie vpon vs: 
 yet Lord haue mercy vpon vs was the only thing 
 they feared. The dolefull cataftrophe of all is, 
 a bed could not be had for all Babilon : not a 
 cup of drinke, no, nor cold water be gotten, 
 though it had bin for Alexander the great : [if] a 
 draught of Aqua vita might haue faued his foule, 
 the towne denyed to do God that good feruice. 
 
 What / miferie continues euer } the poore man 
 ftanding thus at deaths doore, and looking euery 
 minute when hee fhould be let in, behold, another 
 Londoner that had likewife bene in the Frigida 
 zona of the Countrey, and was returning (like 
 jEneas out of hell) to the heauen of his owne 
 home, makes a ftand at this fight, to play the 
 
THE WONDERPULL YEARE. 125 
 
 Phyfition, and feeing by the complexion of his 
 patient that he was ficke at heart, applies to his 
 foule the beft medicines that his comforting 
 fpeech could make, for there dwelt no Poticary 
 neere enough to helpe his body. Being therefore 
 driuen out of all , other fhiftes, he leads , him into 
 a field (a bundle of Strawe, which with much 
 adoe he bought for money, feruing inftead of a 
 Pillow.) But the Deftinies hearing the difeafed 
 partie complaine and take on, becaufe hee lay in 
 a field-bedde, when before hee would haue beene 
 glad of a mattrafle, for very ipight cut the threade 
 of his life, the crueltie of which deede made the 
 other that playd Charities part at his wittes end, 
 becaufe hee knew not where to purchafe tenne 
 foote of ground for his graue : the Church nor 
 Churchyard would let none of their lands. 
 Maifter Vicar was ftrucke dumbe, and could 
 not giue the dead a good word, neither Clarke 
 nor Sexton could be hired to execute their Office ; 
 no, they themfelues would firft be executed : fo 
 that he that neuer handled fhouell before, got his 
 implements about him, ripped vp the belly of 
 the earth, and made it like a graue, ftript the 
 cold carcafle, bound his fhirt about his feete, 
 pulled a linnen night cappe otier his eyes, and 
 fo layde him in the rotten bedde of the earth, 
 couering him with cloathes cut out of the fame 
 
126 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 piece : and learning by his laft words his name 
 and habitation, this fad Trauailer arriues at 
 London^ deliuering to the amazed widdow and 
 children, inftead of a father and a hufband, onely 
 the out-fide of him, his apparell. But by the 
 way note one thing, the bringer of thefe heauy 
 tydings (as if he had liued long enough when 
 fo excellent a worke of pietie and pittie was by 
 him finifhed) the very next day after his comming 
 home, departed out of this world, to receiue his 
 reward in the Spirituall Court of heauen. 
 
 It is plaine therefore by the euidence of thefe 
 two witneffes, that death, like a thiefe, fets vpon 
 men in the hie way, dogs them into / their owne 
 houfes, breakes into their bed chambers by night> 
 aflaults them by day, and yet no law can take 
 hold of him : he deuoures man and wife : offers 
 violence to their faire daughters : kils their 
 youthfull fonnes, and deceiues them of their 
 feruants: yea, fo full of trecherie is he growne 
 (fince this Plague tooke his part) that no Louers 
 dare truft him, nor by their good wils would 
 come neare him, for he workes their downfall, 
 euen when their delights are at the higheft. 
 
 Too ripe a proof haue we of this, in a paire 
 of Louers ; the maide was in the pride of frefh 
 bloud and beautie: fhe was that which to be 
 now is a wonder, yong and yet chafte: the gifts 
 
THE WONDERFULL YE ARE. 127 
 
 of her mind were great, yet thofe which fortune 
 beftowed vpon her (as being well defcended) 
 were not much inferiour: On this louely creature 
 did a yong man fo ftedfaftly fixe his eye, that 
 her lookes kindled in his bofome a defire, whofe 
 flames burnt the more brightly, becaufe they were 
 fed with fweet and modeft thoughts : Hymen was 
 the God to whome he prayed day and night that 
 ^he might marry her : his praiers were receiued : 
 at length (after many tempefts of her deniall, 
 and frownes of kinsfolk) the element grew cleere, 
 & he faw ^ happy landing place, where he had 
 long fought to ariue : the prize of her youth 
 was made his own, and the folemne day appointed 
 when it fliould be deliuered to him. Glad of 
 which bleflednes (for to a louer it is a bleflednes) 
 he wrought by all the poflible art he could vfe 
 to fhorten the expedted houre, and bring it neerer, 
 for, whether he feared the interception of parents, 
 or that his owne foule, with excefle of ioy, was 
 drowned in ftrange paffions, he would often, with 
 fighs mingled with kifles, and kifles halfe finking 
 in teares, prophetically tell her, that fiire he fliouId 
 neuer hue to enioy her. To difcredit which 
 opinion of his, behold, the funne had made haft 
 and wakened the bridale morning. Now does 
 he call his heart traitour, that did fo falfly con- 
 fpire againft him: liuely bloud leapeth into his 
 
128 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 cheekes : hees got vp, and gaily attirde to play 
 the bridegroome, fhee likewife does as cunningly 
 turne her felfe into a bride : kindred and friends 
 are mette together, foppes and mufcadine run 
 fweating vp and downe till they drop againe, to 
 comfort their hearts, and becaufe fo many coffins 
 peftred London Churches, that / there was no room 
 left for weddings. Coaches are prouided, and away 
 rides all the traine into the Countrey, On a 
 monday morning are thefe luftie Louers on their 
 iourney, and before noone are they alighted, entring 
 (inftead of an Inne) for more ftate into a Church, 
 where they no fooner appeared, but the Prieft fell 
 to his bufines : the holy knot was a tying, but he 
 that fhould faften it, comming to this. In fick- 
 nejfe and in health, there he ftopt, for fodainely 
 the bride tooke holde of, in Jicknes, for in health 
 all that ftoode by were in feare fhee fhould neuer 
 be kept. The maiden-blufh into which her 
 cheekes were lately died, now beganne to loofe 
 colour : her voyce (like a coward) would haue 
 flirunke away, but that her Louer reaching her a 
 hand, which he brought thither to giue her, (for 
 hee was not yet made a full hufband) did with 
 that touch fomewhat reuiue her; on went they 
 againe fo farre, till they mette with For better, for 
 wor/e: there was fhe worfe than before, and had not 
 the holy Officer made hafle, the ground on which 
 
THE WONDERFULL YE ARE. 129 
 
 fhee flood to be marryed might eafily haue beene 
 broken vp for her buryall. All ceremonies being 
 finifhed, ftie was ledde betweene two, not like 
 a Bride, but rather like a Coarfe, to her bed: 
 'that, muft now be the table, on which the 
 wedding dinner is to be ferued vppe (being at 
 this time, nothing but teares, and fighes, and 
 lamentations) and Death is chief waiter: yet at 
 length her weake heart wraftling with the pangs, 
 gaue them a fall, fo that vp fhee floode againe, 
 and in the fatall funeral Coach that carried her 
 forth, was fhe brought back (as vpon a beere) 
 to the Citie: but fee the malice of her enemy 
 that had her in chafe, vpon the wenfday follow- 
 ing being ouertaken, was her life ouercome. 
 Death rudely lay with her, and fpoild her of a 
 maiden-head in fpite of her hufband. Oh the 
 forrow that did round befet him! now «vas his 
 diuination true, fhe was a wife, yet continued 
 a maide : he was a hufband and a widdower, yet 
 neuer knew his wife : fhe was his owne, yet he 
 had her not : fhe had him, yet neuer enioyed 
 him : heere is a flrange alteration, for the rofemary 
 that was wafht in fweete water to fet out the 
 Bridall, is now wet in teares to furnifh her buri- 
 all : the mufike that was heard to found forth 
 dances, can not now be heard for the ringing 
 of belles : all the comfort that / happened to 
 D. I. 9 
 
130 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 either fide being this, that he loft her, before flie 
 had time to be an ill wife, and fhe left him, ere 
 he was able to be a bad hufband. 
 
 Better fortune had this Bride, to fall into the' 
 handes of the Plague, then one other of that 
 fraile female fex (whofe pidture is next to be 
 j drawne) had to fcape out of them. An honeft 
 / cobler (if at leaft coblers can be honeft that Hue 
 j altogether amongeft wicked foales) had a wife, 
 who in the time of health treading her ftiooe 
 often awry, determined in the agony of a fick- 
 nefle (which this yeare had a faying to her) to. 
 fall to mending afwell as her huftjand did. The 
 bed that ftie lay vpon (being as fhe thought or 
 rather feared) the laft bed that euer ftiould beare 
 her, (for many other beds had borne her you 
 muft remember) and the worme of finne tickling 
 her confcience, vp fhe calls her very innocent 
 i' and fimple hufband out of his vertuous fhoppe, 
 where like luftice he fat diftributing amongft 
 the poore, to fome, halfe-penny peeces, penny 
 peaces to fome, and two-penny peeces to others 
 fo long as they would laft, his prouident care 
 being alway, that euery man and woman fhould 
 goe vpright. To the beds fide of his plaguy 
 wife approacheth Monfieur Cobler, to vnderftand 
 what deadly newes fhe had to tell him, and the 
 reft of his kinde neighbours that there were afTem- 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 131 
 
 bled: fuch thicke teares ftanding in both the 
 gutters of his eies, to fee his beloued lie in fuch 
 a pickle, that in their fait water, all his vtterance 
 was drownd: which fhe perceiuing, wept as faft 
 as he : But by the warme counfell .that fat about 
 the bed, the fhower ceaft, fhe wiping her cheekes 
 with the corner of one of the fheetes: and he, 
 his fuUied face, with his leatherne apron. At laft, 
 two or three fighes (like a Chorus to the tragedy 
 enfuing) ftepping out firft, wringing her handes 
 (which gaue the better adtion) ftiee told the pitti- 
 full AStaon her hufband, that fhe had often done 
 him wrong: hee onely fhooke his head at this, 
 and cried humb ! which humb, fhe taking as the 
 watch-word of his true patience, vnraueld the 
 bottome of her frailetie at length, and concluded, 
 that with fuch a man (and named him; but I hope 
 you would not haue me follow her fleppes and 
 name him too) fhe pradlifed the vniuerfall & 
 common Art of grafting, and that vpon her good 
 mans head, they two / had planted a monflrous 
 paire of inuifible homes: At the found of the 
 homes, my cobler ftarted vppe like a march Hare, 
 and began to looke wilde: his awle neuer ranne 
 through the fides of a boote, as that word did 
 through his heart: but being a polliticke cobler, 
 and remembring what peece of worke he was 
 to vnder-lay, ftroking his beard, like fome graue 
 
132 THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 
 
 headborough of the Parifli, and giuing a nodde, 
 as who ftiould fay, goe on, bade her goe on in- 
 deed, clapping to her fore foule, this generall 
 falue, that All are Sinners, and we muft forgiue, 
 i^c. For hee hoped by fuch wholefome Phificke 
 ^ (as Shooemakers waxe being laide to a byle) to 
 draw out all the corruption of her fecret villanies. 
 She good heart being tickled vnder gilles, with 
 the finger .of thefe kind fpeeches, turnes vp the 
 white of her eye, and fetches out an other. An 
 other, (O thou that art trained vp in nothing but 
 to handle peeces :) Another hath difcharged his 
 Artillery againft thy caftle of fortification : here 
 was paffion predominant: Y^ulcan ftrooke the 
 coblers ghoft (for he was now no cobler) fo 
 hardy vpon his breaft, that he cryed Oh ! his 
 neighbours taking pitte to fee what tetrible ftitches 
 pulld him, rubde his fwelling temples with the 
 iuice of patience, which (by vertue of the blackifh 
 ■ fweate that ftoode reaking on his browes, and 
 had made them fupple) entred very eafily into 
 his now-parlous-vnderftanding fcuU: fo that he 
 left winching, and fate quiet as a Lamb, falling 
 to his old vomite of councell, which he had 
 caft vp before, and fwearing (becaufe he was in 
 ftrong hope, this flioo fhould wring him no more) 
 to feale her a generall acquittance : prickt forward 
 with this gentle fpur, her tongue mends his pace. 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 133 
 
 fo that in her confeflion fhee ouertooke others, 
 whofe bootes had beene fet all night on the 
 Coblers laaft, beftowing vppon him the poefie 
 of their names, the time, and place, to thintent 
 it might be put into his next wifes wedding ring. 
 And although fhee had made all thefe blots in 
 his tables, yet the bearing of one man falfe (whom 
 fhe had not yet difcouered) ftucke more in her 
 ftomacke than all the reft. O valiant Cobler, 
 cries out one of the Auditors, how art thou fet 
 vpon ? how art thou tempted ? happy arte thou, 
 that thou art not in thy ftiop, for in ftead of cut- 
 ting out peeces of leather, thou wouldft doubtleffe 
 now pare away thy hart : for I fee and / fo do all 
 thy neighbours here (thy wifes ghoftly fathers) 
 fee that a fmall matter would now caufe thee 
 turne turk, & to meddle with no more patches : 
 but to liue within the compafTe of thy wit: lift 
 not vp thy collar : be not home mad : thanke 
 heauen that the . murther is reueald : ftudy thou 
 Baltazars Part in leronimo, for thou haft more 
 caufe (though lefle reafon) than he, to be glad and 
 fad. 
 
 Well, I fee thou art worthy to haue patient 
 Grifeld to thy wife, for thou beareft more than 
 ftie: thou fhewft thy felfe to be a right cobler, 
 and no fowter, that canft thus cleanely clowt vp 
 the feam-rent fides of thy affedion. With this 
 
134 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 learned Oration the Cobler was tutord : layd his 
 finger on his mouth, and cried paucos ■palabros : he 
 had fealed her pardon, and therefore bid her not 
 feare : heer vpon [fjhe named the malefaftor : I 
 could name him too, but that he fhall Hue to 
 giue more Coblers heads the Baftinado. And 
 I told, that on fuch a night when he fupt there 
 \ (for a Lord may fup with a cobler that hath 
 a pretty wench to his wife) when the cloth, O 
 treacherous linnen ! was taken vp, and Menelaus 
 had for a parting blow, giuen the other his fift : 
 downe fhe lights (this half-fharer) opening the 
 wicket, but not fhutting him out of the wicket, 
 but conueis him into a by-room (being the ward- 
 rob of old fhooes and leather) from whence the 
 vnicorne cobler (that dreamt of no fuch fpirits) 
 being ouer head and eares in fleepe, his fnorting 
 giuing the figne that he was cock-fure, foftly 
 out-fteales fir Paris, and to Helenaes teeth prooued 
 himfelfe a true Troian. This was the creame 
 of her confeffion, which being fkimd off from 
 the ftomach of her confcience, we looked euery 
 minute to goe thither, where we fliould be farre 
 enough out of the Coblers reach. But the Fates 
 laying their heades together, fent a repriue, the 
 plague that before meant to pepper her, by little 
 and little left her company : which newes being 
 blowne abroad. Oh lamentable ! neuer did the 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 135 
 
 old bufkind tragedy beginne till now : for the 
 wiues of thofe hufbands, with whom fhe had 
 playd at faft and loofe, came with nayles fharpened 
 for the nonce, like cattes, and tongues forkedly 
 cut like the ftings of adders, firft to fcratch out 
 falfe Creffidaes eyes, and then (which was worfe) 
 to worry her to death with fcolding. 
 
 But / the matter was tooke vp in a Tauerne ; 
 the cafe was altered, and brought to a new 
 reckoning (mary the blood of the Burdeaux grape 
 was firft fhead about it) but in the end, all anger 
 on euery fide was powred into a pottle pot, & 
 there burnt to death. Now whether this Recanta- 
 tion was true, or whether the fteeme of infeftion, 
 fuming vp (like wine) into her braines, made her 
 talke thus idlely, I leaUe it to the lury. 
 
 And whilft they are canuafing her cafe, let 
 vs fee what doings the Sexton of Stepney hath : 
 whofe ware-houfes being all full of dead com- 
 modities, fauing one : that one hee left open a 
 whole night (yet was it halfe full too) knowing 
 y theeues this yeare were too honeft to break 
 into fuch cellers. Befides thofe that were left 
 there, had fuch plaguy pates, that none durft 
 meddle with them for their liues. About twelue 
 of the clock at midnight, when fpirites waike, 
 and not a mowfe dare ftirre, becaufe cattes goe 
 a catter-walling : Sinne, that all day durft not 
 
136 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 fhew his head, came reeling out of an ale-houfe, 
 in the fhape of a drunkard, who no fooner fmelt 
 the winde, but he thought the ground vnder him 
 danced the Canaries : houfes feemed to turne on 
 the toe, and all things went round : infomuch, 
 that his legges drew a paire of Indentures, be- 
 tweene his body and the earth, the principal 
 couenant being, that he for his part would ftand 
 to nothing what euer he faw : euery tree that 
 came in his way, did he iuftle, and yet chalenge 
 it the next day to fight with him. If he had 
 dipt but a quarter fo much of the Kings filuer, 
 as he did of the Kings englifh, his carkas had 
 long ere this bene carrion for Crowes, But he 
 liued by gaming, and had excellent cafting, yet 
 feldome won, for he drew reafonable good hands, 
 but had very bad feete, that were not able to 
 carry it away. This fetter-vp of Malt-men, being 
 troubled with the ftaggers, fell, into the felfe-fame 
 graue, that flood gaping wide open for a breakfaft 
 next morning, and imagining (when he was in) 
 that he had ftumbled into his owne houfe, and 
 that all his bedfellowes (as they were indeede) 
 were in their dead fleepe, he, (neuer complaining 
 of colde, nor calling for more fheete) foundly 
 takes a nap til he fnores again : In the morning 
 the Sexton comes plodding along, and cafting vpon 
 his fingers ends what he hopes y dead pay of that 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 137 
 
 day will come too, by that which / he receiued 
 the day before, (for Sextons now had better doings 
 than either Tauernes or bawdy-houfes). In that 
 filuer contemplation, fhrugging his fhoulders to- 
 gether, he fteppes ere he be aware on the brimmes 
 of that pit, into which this worftiipper of Bacchus 
 was falne, where finding fome dead mens bones, 
 and a fcuU or two, that laie fcattered here and 
 there ; before he lookt into this Coffer of wormes, 
 thefe he takes vp, and flinges them in : one of 
 the fculls battered the fconce of the fleeper, whilfl: 
 the bones plaide with his nofe ; whofe blowes 
 waking his muftie worfliip, the firft word that he 
 caft vp, was an oath, and thinking the Cannes 
 had flyen about, cryed zoundes, what do you 
 meane to cracke my mazer? the Sexton fmelling 
 a voice, (feare being ftronger than his heart) 
 beleeued verily fome of the coarfes fpake to him, 
 vpon which, feeling himfelfe in a cold fweat, 
 tooke to his heeles, whilft the Goblin fcrambled 
 vp and ranne after him: But it appeares the 
 Sexton had the lighter foote, for he ran fo fafte, 
 that hee ranne out of his wittes, which being left 
 behinde him, he had like to haue dyed prefently 
 after. 
 
 A meryer bargaine than the poore Sextons did 
 a Tincker meete withall in a Countrey Towne ^ 
 through which a Citizen of London being driuen 
 
138 THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 
 
 (to keepe himfelfe vnder the lee-ftiore in this 
 tempeftuous contagion) and cafting vp his eye 
 for fome harbour, fpied a bufh at the end of 
 a pole, (the auncient badge of a Countrey Ale- 
 houfe :) Into which as good lucke was, (without 
 any refiftance of the Barbarians, that all this yeare 
 vfed to keepe fuch landing places) veiling his 
 Bonnet, he ftrucke in. The Hoft had bene a 
 mad Greeke, (mary he could now fpeake nothing 
 but Englifti,) a goodl y fat Burger he was, with 
 a belly Arching out like a Beere=barrell, which 
 made his legges (that were thicke & fliort, like 
 two piles driuen vnder Z/0«^i5»-bridge) to ftradle 
 halfe as wide as the toppe of Powles, which vpon 
 my knowledge hath bene burnt twice or thrice. 
 A leatherne pouch hung at his fide, that opened 
 and fhut with a Snap-hance, and was indeede a 
 flafke for gunpowder when King Henry went 
 to Bulloigne. An Antiquary might haue pickt 
 rare matter out of his Nofe, but that it was 
 worme- eaten (yet that proued it to be / an auncient 
 Nofe :) In fome corners of it there were blewifh 
 holes that fhone like fhelles of mother of Pearle, 
 and to fee his nofe right, Pearles had bene gathered 
 out of them : other were richly garnifht with 
 Rubies, Chrifolites and Carbunckles, which glis- 
 tered fo oriently, that the Hamburgers oiFered I 
 know not how many Dollars, for his companie in 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 139 
 
 an Eaft-Indian voyage, to haue ftoode a nightes 
 in the Poope of their Admirall, onely to faue 
 the charges of candles. In conclufion, he was 
 an Hoft to ])e ledde before an Emperour, and 
 though he were one of the greateft men in all 
 the fhire, his bignes made him not proude, but 
 he humbled himfelf to fpeake the bafe language | 
 of a Tapfter, and vppon the Londoners firft 
 arriuall, cryed welcome, a cloth for this Gentle- 
 man : the Linnen was fpread, and furnifht 
 prefently with a new Cake and a Can, the roome 
 voided, and the Gueft left (like a French Lord) 
 attended by no bodie : who drinking halfe a 
 Can (in conceit) to the health of his beft friend 
 In the Citie, which laie extreame ficke, and had 
 neuer more neede of health,' I knowe not what 
 qualmes came ouer his ftomach, but immediately 
 he fell downe without vttering any more wordes, 
 and neuer rofe againe. 
 
 Anon (as it was his fafhion) enters my puffing 
 Hoft, to relieue (with a frelh fupply out of his 
 Cellar,) the fhrinking Can, if hee perceiued it 
 ftoode in daunger to be ouerthrowne. But feeing 
 the chiefe Leader dropt at his feete, and imagining 
 at firft hee was but wounded a little in the head, 
 held vp his gowty golles and bleft himfelfe, that 
 a Londoner (who had wont to be the moft valiant 
 rob-pots) fliould now be ftrooke downe only with 
 
140 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 two hoopes : and therevpon iugd him, fembling 
 out thefe comfortable words of a fouldier. If 
 thou be a man ftand a thy legges: he ftird not 
 for all this : wherevpon the Maydes being raifde 
 (as it had bene with a hue and cry) came hobling 
 into the room, like a flocke of Geefe, and hauing 
 vpon fearch of the bodie giuen vp this verdicft, 
 that the man was dead, and murthered by the 
 Plague ; Oh daggers to all their hearts that heard 
 it ! Away trudge the wenches, and one of them 
 hauing had a freckled face all her life time, was 
 perfwaded prefently that now they were the / 
 tokens, and had like to haue turned vp her heeles 
 vpon it : My gorbelly Hoft that in many a yeare 
 could not without grunting, crawle ouer a threlh- 
 old but two foote broad, leapt halfe a yarde from 
 the coarfe (It was meafured by a Carpenters rule) 
 as nimbly as if his guts had beene taken out by 
 the hangman : out of the houfe he wallowed 
 prefently, being followed with two or three dozen 
 of napkins to drie vp the larde, that ranne fo faft 
 downe his heeles, that all the way he went, was 
 more greazie than a kitchin-ftufFe-wifes baflcet : 
 you would haue fworne, it had beene a barrell of 
 Pitch on fire, if you had looked vpon him, for 
 fuch a fmoakie clowde (by reafon of his owne 
 fattie hotte fteeme) compaffed him rounde, that 
 but for his voyce, hee had quite beene loft in 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 141 
 
 that ftincking myft: hanged himfelfe hee had 
 without all queftion (in this pittifuU taking) but 
 that hee feared the weight of his intollerable 
 paunch, would haue burft the Roape, and fo hee 
 ftiould bee put to a double death. At length 
 the Towne was raifed, the Countrey came downe 
 vpon him, and yet not vpon him neither, for 
 after they vnderftood the Tragedie, euery man 
 gaue ground, knowing my purfie Ale-cunner 
 could not follow them : what is to bee done in 
 this ftraunge All arum? The whole Village is in 
 daunger to lye at the mercy of God, and fliall 
 bee bound to curfe none, but him for it : they 
 fhould doe well therefore to fet fire on his 
 houfe, before the Plague fcape out of it, leaft it 
 forrage higher into the Countrey, and knocke 
 them downe, man, woman, and childe, like 
 Oxen, whofe blood (they all fweare) fhall bee 
 required at his handes. At thefe fpeeches my 
 tender-hearted Hofte, fell downe on his maribones, 
 meaning indeede to entreat his audience to bee 
 good to him ; but they fearing hee had beene 
 pepperd too, as well as the Londoner, tumbled 
 one vpon another, and were ready to breake 
 their neckes for hafte to be gone : yet fome of 
 them (being more valiant then the reft, becaufe 
 they heard him roare out for fome helpe) very 
 defperately ftept backe, and with rakes and 
 
142 THE WONDERFULL VEARE. 
 
 pitch-forkes lifted the gulch from the ground. 
 Cocluding (after they had laid their hogfheads 
 togither, to draw out fom holefome counfel) that 
 whofoeuer would venter vpon the dead man & 
 bury him, fhould haue fortie fhillings / (out of 
 the common towne-purfe though it would bee a 
 great cut to it) with the loue of the Church- 
 wardens and Side-men, during the terme of life. 
 This was proclaimed, but none durft appeare to 
 vndertake the dreadfull execution: they loued 
 money well, [but] mary the plague hanging ouer 
 any mans head that fhould meddle with it in that 
 fort, they all vowde to dye beggers before it fhould 
 be Chronicled they kild themfelues for forty 
 fhillings : and in that braue refolution, euery one 
 with bagge & baggage marcht home, barricadoing 
 their doores & windowes with fir bufhes, feme, 
 and bundels of ftraw to keepe out the peflilence 
 at the ftaues end. 
 
 At laft a Tinker came founding through the 
 Towne, mine Hofls houfe being the auncient 
 watring place where he did vfe to caft Anchor. 
 You mufl vnderfland hee was none of thofe bafe 
 rafcally Tinkers, that with a ban-dog and a drab 
 at their tayles, and a pike-flaffe on their necks, 
 will take a purfe fooner then flop a kettle: No, 
 this was a deuout Tinker, he did honor God Pan: 
 a Muficall Tinker, that vpon his kettle-drum 
 
THE WONDERFUIL YEARS, 143 
 
 could play any Countrey dance you cald for, and 
 vpon Holly-dayes had earned money by it, when 
 no Fidler could be heard of. Hee was onely 
 feared when he ftalkt through fome townes where 
 Bees were, for he ftrucke fo fweetely on the 
 bottome of his Copper inftrument, that he would 
 . eniptie whole Hiues, and leade the fwarmes after 
 him only by the found. 
 
 This excellent egregious Tinker calls for his 
 draught (being a double lugge) : it was fild for him, 
 but befpre it came to his nofe, the lamentable 
 tale of the Londoner was tolde, the Chamber- doore 
 (where hee lay) being thruft open with a Ipng pole, 
 (becaufe none durft touch it with their hands) and 
 the Tinker bidden (if he had the heart) to goe in 
 and fee if hee knew him. The Tinker being not 
 [vnwilling] to learne what vertue the medicine 
 had which hee held at his lippes, powred it downe 
 his throate raerily, and crying trillill, he feares no 
 plagues. In hee ftept, toffing the dead body too 
 and fro, and was forrie hee knew him not : Mine 
 Hoft that with griefe began to fall away villanoufly, 
 looking very ruthfully on the Tinker, and thinking 
 him a fit inftrument to be playd vpon, offred a 
 crowne out of his owne / purfe, if he would bury 
 the partie. A crown was a fhrewd temptation to 
 a Tinker : many a hole might he ftop, before hee 
 could pieke a crowne of it, yet being a fubtill 
 
144 THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 
 
 Tinker (& to make all Sextons pray for him, 
 becaufe hee would raife their fees) an Angell he 
 wanted to be his guide, and vnder ten fhillings 
 (by his ten bones) he would not put his finger into 
 the fire. The whole parifh had warning' of this 
 prefently, thirtie ftiillings was faued by the bar- 
 gaine, and the Towne like to be faued too, there- 
 fore ten fhillings was leuyed out of hand, put into 
 a rag, which was tyed to the ende of a long pole 
 and deliuered (in fight of all the Parifli, who 
 flood aloofe flopping their nofes) by the Head- 
 boroughs owne felfe in proper perfon, to the 
 Tinker, who with one hand receiued the money, 
 and with the other flruck the boord, crying hey, 
 a frefli double pot. "Which armour of proofe 
 being fitted to his body, vp he hoifts the Londoner 
 on his backe (like a Schoole-boy) a Shouell and 
 Pick-axe are flanding ready for him : And thus 
 furniftied, into a field fome good diflance from 
 the Towne he beares his deadly loade, and there 
 throwes it downe, falling roundly to his tooles, 
 vpon which the flrong beere hauing fet an edge, 
 they quickely cut out a lodging in the earth for 
 the Citizen. But the Tinker knowing that wormes 
 needed no apparell, fauing onely ftieetes, flript 
 him ftarke naked, but firft diude nimbly into his 
 pockets, to fee what linings they had, afluring him- 
 felfe, that a Londoner would not wander fo farre 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARS. 145 
 
 without filuer : his hopes. were of the right ftampe, 
 for from out of his pockets he drew a leatherne 
 bagge with feuen poundes in it : this muficke 
 made the Tinkers heart dance : he quickely tumbled 
 his man into the graue, hid him ouer head and 
 eares in duft, bound vp his cloathes in a bundle, 
 & carying that at the end of his ftafFe on his 
 fhoulder, with the purfe of feuen pounds in his 
 hand, backe againe comes he through the towne, 
 crying aloud, Haue yee any more Londoners to 
 bury, hey downe a downe dery, haue ye any more 
 Londoners to bury : the HobbinoUs running away 
 from him, as if he had beene the dead Citizens 
 ghoft, & he marching away from them, in all the 
 haft he could, with that fong ftill in his mouth. 
 
 You fee therefore how dreadfull a fellow Death 
 is, making fooles / euen of wifemen, and cowards 
 of the moft valiant; yea, in fuch a bafe flauerie 
 hath, it bound mens fences, that they haue no 
 power to looke higher than their owne roofes, but 
 feemes by their turkifh and barberous adtions to 
 belieue that there is no felicitie after this life, and 
 that (like beafts) their foules fhall perifh with their 
 bodyes. How many vpon fight onely of a Letter 
 (fent from London) haue ftarted backe, and durft 
 haue layd their faluation vpon it, that the plague 
 might be folded in that empty paper, belieuing 
 verily, that the arme of Omnipotence could neuer 
 
 D. I. 10 
 
146 THE IVONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 reach them, vnlefle it were with fome weapon 
 drawne out of the infefted Citie ; in fo much that 
 euen the Wefterne Pugs receiuing money there, 
 haue tyed it in a bag at the end of their barge, 
 and fo trailed it through the Thames, leaft plague- 
 fores flicking vpon fhillings, they fhould be naild 
 vp for counterfeits when they were brought home. 
 More ventrous than thefe block-heads was a 
 certaine luftice of peace, to whofe gate being fhut 
 (for you muft know that now there is no open 
 houfe kept) a company of wilde fellowes being 
 lead for robbing an Orchyard, the ftout-hearted 
 Conftable rapt moft couragioufly, and would haue 
 a bout with none but the luftice himfelfe, who at 
 laft appeard in his likenefle aboue at a window, 
 inquiring why they fummond a parlie. It was 
 aeiiuered why : the cafe was opened to his examin- 
 ing wifedome, and that the euill doers were onely 
 Londoners : at the name of Londoners the luftice 
 clapping his hand on his breft (as who fhould fay, 
 Lord haue mercie vpon vs) ftarted backe, and 
 being wife enough to faue one, held his nofe hard 
 betweene his fore-finger and his thumbe, and 
 fpeaking in that wife (like the fellow that defcribed 
 the villainous motion of lulius C<ejar and the Duke 
 of Guize, who (as he gaue it out) fought a 
 combat together,) pulling the cafement clofe to him 
 cryed out in that quaile-pipe voice, that if they 
 
THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 147 
 
 were Londoners away with them to Limbo : take 
 onely their names : they were fore fellowes, and he 
 would deale with them when time fhould ferue : 
 meaning, when the plague and they fhould not be 
 fo great together ; and fo they departed : The very 
 name of Londoners being worfe then ten whet- 
 ftones to fharpen the fword of luftice againft them. 
 I / could fill a large volume, and call it the fecond 
 part of the hundred mery tales, onely with fuch 
 ridiculous ftuffe as this of the luftice, but Dij 
 meliora, I haue better matters to fet my wits about : 
 neither fhall you wring out of my pen (though 
 you lay it on the rack) the villanies of that damnd 
 Keeper, who kild all fhe keept ; it had bene good 
 to haue made her keeper of the common layle, 
 and the holes of both Counters, (for a number lye 
 there, that wiih to be rid out of this motley world,) 
 fhee would haue tickled them and turned them 
 ouer the thumbs. I will likewife let the Church- 
 warden in Thames ftreet fleepe (for hees now paft 
 waking) who being requefted by one of his neigh- 
 bors to fuiFer his wife or child (that was then dead) 
 to lye in the Churchyard, anfwered in a mocking 
 fort, he keept that lodging for himfelfe and his 
 houfhold : and within three dayes after was driuen 
 to hide his head in a hole himfelfe. Neither will 
 I fpeake a word of a poore boy (feruant to a 
 Chandler) dwelling thereabouts, who being ftruck 
 
148 THE WONDERFULL YEARE. 
 
 to the heart by ficknes, was firft caryed away by 
 
 water, to be left any where, but landing being 
 
 denyed by an army of browne bill men that kept 
 
 the fhore, back againe was he brought, and left in 
 
 an out-celler, where lying groueling and groning 
 
 on his face (amongft fagots, but not one of them 
 
 fet on fire to comfort him) there continued all 
 
 night, and dyed miferably for want' of fuccor. 
 
 Nor of another poore wretch in the Pariih of 
 
 Saint Mary Oueryes, who being in the morning 
 
 throwne, as the fafhion is, into a graue vpon a 
 
 heape of carcafes, that kayd for their complement, 
 
 was found in the afternoone, gafping and gaping 
 
 for life : but by thefe tricks, imagining that many 
 
 a thoufand haue bene turned wrongfully off the 
 
 ladder of life, and praying that Derick or 
 
 his executors may liue to do thofe a good 
 
 turne, that haue done fo for others : 
 
 Hie finis Priami, heeres an end 
 
 of an old Song. 
 
 Et iam tempus Equum fumantia Joluere colla. 
 FINIS. 
 

 in. 
 
 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 1603. :. 
 
NOTE. 
 
 For 'The Batchelar's Banquet' (1603) I again owe thanks to the 
 British Museum. See Memorial-Introdaction on it. — G. 
 
THE 
 BATCHELARS 
 
 Banquet : 
 
 OR 
 
 A Banquet for Batchelars : Wherein is prepa- 
 red fundry daiiitie difhes to furnifh their 
 Table, curioufly dreft, and feri- 
 oufly ferued in. 
 
 P leaf ant ly difcourfing the variable humours of Wo- 
 men, their quickneffe of wittes, and vnfearch- 
 able deceits. 
 
 Vino than well, but tajlc not, 
 Kegard them well, but wajle not. 
 
 
 
 LONDON 
 
 Printed by T. C. and are to be Ibldc 
 
 by T. P. 1603. 
 
The Batchelars Banquet, 
 
 Or a Banquet for Batchelars: wherein is pre- 
 pared fundry difhes to furnifh their 
 Table : curioufly dreft, and 
 ferioufly ferued in. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 The humour of a young wife new married. 
 
 T is the naturall inclination of a 
 young gallant, in the pleafant 
 prime, and flower of his florifh- 
 ing youth, being frefh, lufty, 
 iocond, to take no other care, 
 but to imploy his mony to buy 
 gay prefents for pretty Lafles, to frame his green 
 wits in penning loue ditties, his voice to fing 
 them fweetly, his wandring eyes to gaze one the 
 faireft dames, and his wanton thoughts to plot 
 meanes for the fpeedy accomplifhment of his 
 
154 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 wifhed defires, according to the compafTe of his 
 eftate. And albeit his parents or fome other of 
 his kindred, doe perhaps furnifh him with neces- 
 fary maintenance, fo that he wants nothing, but 
 Hues in all eafe and delight, yet cannot this con- 
 tent him, or fatisfie his vnexperienced mind : for 
 although he dayly fee many married men, firffc 
 lapt in lobbes pound, wanting former libertie, and 
 compafled round in a cage of many cares, yet 
 notwithftanding being ouer-ruled by felfe will, and 
 blinded by folly : he fuppofes them therein to haue 
 the fulnes of their delight, becaufe they haue fo 
 neare them the Image of content. Venus ftarre 
 glorioufly blazing / vpon them, I meane a daintie 
 faire wife, brauely attired, whofe apparell perhaps 
 is not yet paid for, (howfoeuer to draw their 
 hufbands into a fooles paradice) they make him 
 beleeue, that their father or mother haue of their 
 coft and bounty affoorded it. This luftie youth 
 (as I earft faid) feeing them already in this maze 
 of bitter fweetnes, he goes round about, tur- 
 moyling himfelfe in feeking an entrance, and 
 taking fuch paines to finde his owne paine, that 
 in the end, in he gets, when for the haft he makes, 
 to haue a tafte of thefe fuppofed delicates, he hath 
 no leifure to thinke, or no care to prouide thofe 
 things that are hereunto requifite. The ioUy 
 _yonker being thus gotten in, doth for a time 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 155 
 
 fwim in delight, and hath no defire at all to wind 
 him {elfe out againe, till time and vfe, which makes 
 all things more familiar and lefle pleafing, doe 
 qualifie this humor: then glutted with facietie, 
 or pinched with penury, he may perhaps begin 
 to fee his foUie, and repent as well his fondnes, 
 as his too much forwardnes, but all too late, he 
 muft haue patience perforce : his wife muft be 
 maintained according to her degree, and withall 
 (comonly it happes [if] fhe carie the right ftomacke 
 of a woman) flender maintenance will not ferue, 
 for as their mindes mount aboue their eftates, 
 fo commonly wil they haue their abillements. 
 And if at a feaft or feme other gofleps meeting 
 where unto fhe is inuited, Ihe fee any of the 
 companie gaily attyred for coft, or fafhion, or 
 both, & chiefly the latter, (for generally women 
 do affedt nouelties,) ihe forthwith moues a queftion 
 in her felfe, why fhe alfo fhould not be in like 
 fort attyred, to haue her garments cut after the 
 new falhion as well as the reft, and anfwers it 
 ■with a refolution, that fhe will, and muft haue the 
 like : Awaiting onely fit time and place, for 
 the mouing and winning of her hufband there- 
 vnto, of both which fhe will make fuch choice, 
 that when fhe fpeakes fhe will be fure to fpeede : 
 obferuing her opportunitie when fhe might take 
 her hufband at the moft aduantage, which is 
 
 L^' 
 
1 5 6 THE BA TCHELA RS BANQ UET. 
 
 comonly in the bed, the gardaine of loue, the 
 ftate of marriage deUghts, & the life wherein the 
 weaker fexe hath euer the better : when therefore 
 this luftie gallant would profecute his / defired 
 pleafures, for which caufe he chiefly ran wil- 
 fully into the perill of Lobs pound, then 
 fqueamiflily fhe begins thus, faying ; I pray you 
 hulband let me alone, trouble me not, for I am 
 not well at eafe : which he hearing prefently 
 makes this reply. "Why my fweethart what ailes 
 you, are you not well ? I pray thee wife tell 
 me, where lies thy griefe? or what is the caufe 
 of your difcontent : wherevpon the vile woman 
 fetching a deepe figh, makes this anfwere. O 
 hufband God help me, I haue caufe enough to 
 greeue, and if you knew all you would fay fo : 
 but alas it is in vaine to tell you any thing, feeing 
 that whatfoeuer I fay, you make but light reck- 
 ning of it : and therfore it is beft for me to bury 
 my forrowes in iilence, being out of hope to haue 
 any help at your hands. lefus wife (faith he) 
 why vfe you thefe words? is my vnkindnes fuch 
 that I may not knowe your griefes? tell me I 
 fay what is the matter ? In truth hufband it 
 were to no purpofe, for I knowe your cuftome 
 well inough, as for my words, they are but waft 
 wind in your eares ; for how great foeuer my 
 griefe is, I am afTured you will but make light 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 157 
 
 of it, and thinke that I fpeake it for fome other 
 purpofe. 
 
 Goe too wife, faith her hufband, tell it me, for 
 I wil know it. Well hufband, if you will needs, 
 you fhal : you-, know on Thurfday laft, I was 
 fent for, and you willed me to goe to MiftrefTe 
 M. churching, and when I came thither I found 
 great cheare, & no fmal companie of wiues, but 
 the meanefl: of them all was not fo ill attired as 
 I, and furely I was neuer fo afhamed of my felfe 
 in my life, yet I fpeake it not to praife my felfe : 
 but it is well knoWne, and I dare boldly fay, 
 that the beft woman there came of no better 
 ftocke then I. But alas I fpeake not this for my 
 felfe, for God wot I pafle not how meanely I am 
 apparelled, but I fpeake it for your credit & my 
 friends. Why wife, faith he, of what calling & 
 degree were thofe you fpeak of.'' Truly good 
 huiband (faith fhe) the meanefl: that was there, 
 being but of my degree, was in her gowne with 
 trunck fleeues, her vardingale, her turkie grograin 
 kirde, her tafFety hat with a gold band, and 
 thefe with ^ reft of her attire, made of ^ newefl: 
 fafhio, which is knowne / the befl: : whereas I 
 poore wretch had on my threadbare gowne, which 
 was made me fo long agoe, againft I was married, 
 befides that it was now too fhort for me, for it is 
 I remember fince it was made aboue three yeares 
 
158 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 agoe ; fince which time I am growne very much, 
 and fo changed with cares and griefes, that I 
 looke farre older then I am : Truft me I was fo 
 afhamed, being amongft my neighbours, that \ 
 had not the heart to looke vp;i5but that which 
 greeued me moft was, when miftrefle Luce B. & 
 miftreffe T. faid openly that it was a fhame both 
 for you and me, that I had no better apparell.. 
 Tufh wife (quoth the good man) let them fay 
 what they lift, we are neuer a whit the wbrfe 
 for their words, we haue enough to doe with 
 our money though we fpend it not in apparell : 
 you knowe wife when w;e met together, we 
 had no great ftore of houfliold ftuffe, but were 
 fain to buy it afterward by fome and fome 
 as God fent mony, and yet you ■ fee we want 
 many things that is neceflary to be had :• befides, 
 the quarter day is neere, arid' my Landlord 
 you know wil not forbeare his rent: moreouer. 
 you fee how much it cofts me in law about the 
 recouering of the Tenement which I ftiould haue 
 .by you. God fend me to get it quickly, or els: 
 I fhal haue but a bad bargaine of it, for it hath 
 already alraoft coft me as much as it is worth. 
 At thefe words his wiues coUei* begins to rife, 
 whereupon fhe makes him this anfwere. lefus 
 God (faith fhe) when you haue nothing els to 
 hit in the teeth withall, yee twit me with the 
 
, THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 159 
 
 Tenement : but it is my fortune. Why how 
 now wife faith her hufband, are you now angry 
 for nothing? Nay I am not angry, I muft be 
 content with that which God hath ordained for 
 me : but I wis the time was, when I might haue 
 bene better aduifed : there are fome yet liuing 
 that would haue bene glad to haue me in my 
 fmock, whom you know well enough, to be 
 propper young men, and therewithall wife and 
 wealthy, but I verily fuppofe I was bewitcht to 
 match with a man that loues me not; though I 
 purchafed the ill-will of all my friends for his 
 fake, this is all the good that I haue gotten there- 
 by : I may truly fay I am the moft vnhappie 
 woman in the / world : doe you thinke that Law. 
 Tom & N. M. (who were both futers to me) 
 doe keepe their wiues fo ? no by cocks body, 
 for I know the worft cloathes that they caft off, 
 is better then my very beft, which I weare on 
 the cheifeft dales in the yeare : I know not what 
 the caufe is that fo many good women die, but 
 I would to God that I were dead too, that I 
 might not troble you no more, feeing I am fuch 
 an eie fore vnto you. Now by my faith wife 
 faith he, you fay not well, there is nothing that 
 I thinke too good for you, if my abillitie can 
 compafle it. But you knowe our eftate, we muft j 
 doe as we may, & not as we would ; yet be of 1 
 
1 60 THE BA TCHELARS BA NQ, UET. 
 
 good cheare, and turne to me, and I will ftraine 
 my felf to pleafe you ■ in this or any other thing. 
 Nay for Gods fake let me alone, I haue no mind 
 on fuch matters, and if you had no more defire 
 therto then I, I promife you, you would neuer 
 tuch me. No wife (faith he) hoping fo with a 
 ieft to make her mery, by my honeftie I fweare, 
 I verily thinke that if I were dead, you would 
 not be long without another hufband. No 
 maruaile fure faith fhe, I lead fuch a good life 
 with you now. By my chriftian foule I fweare, 
 there fhould neuer man kiffe my lipps againe. 
 And if I thought I fhould liue long with you, I 
 would vfe meanes to make my felfe away : here- 
 withall fhe puts finger in the eye making fhew 
 as though fhe wept. Thus plaies fhe with the 
 fillie fot her hufband (meaning nothing leffe then 
 to doe as fhe faies) while he poore foole is in 
 mind both wel and ill apaid : he thinkes himfelfe 
 well, becaufe he imagines her of a cold conflitu- 
 tion, and therefore exceeding chaft : he thinkes 
 himfelfe ill, to fee her fained teares, for that he 
 verily fuppofes fhe loues him, which doth not a 
 little greeue him, being fo kind and tender harted. 
 Therefore he vfeth all meanes pofTible to make 
 her quiet, neither wil he giue her ouer, til he 
 hath effedted it. But fhe profecuting her former 
 purpofe, which fhe hath alreadie fet in fo faire a 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BA NQ UET. 1 6 1 
 
 forwardnes, makes as though fhe were nothing 
 moued with his gentle perfwafions; therefore to 
 crofTe him, fhe gets her vp betimes in the morn- 
 ing, fooner a great deale then fhe was wont, 
 pouting and lowring all the day, & not giuing 
 him one good word. But when night comes, 
 and /they againe both in bed,- laying her felfe 
 fullenly downe, and continuing flill filent, the 
 good man barkens whether fhe fleep or no, feeles 
 if fhe be wel couered or not, he foftly plucks 
 vp the cloaths vpon her, lapping her warme, 
 being dubble diligent to pleafe her. She lying 
 all this while winking, noting his kindnes and 
 carefulnes towards her, feemes on a fuddaine to 
 awake from a found fleepe, gruntling and nufling 
 vnder the fheets, giuing him occafion thereby 
 thus to begin. How now fweet hart, what are 
 you a fleepe ? A fleepe (faith fhe) I faith ■ fir no : 
 a troubled mind can newer take good reft. Why 
 woma are you not quiet yet ? No doubt (faith 
 fhe) you care much whether I be or no. By 
 lady wife, and fo I doe : and fince yefternight 
 I haue bethought me (hauing well confidered 
 your words) that it is very meete and requifite, 
 that you fbould be better furniftied with apparell 
 then heretofore you haue bene, for indeed I 
 muft confefTe thy cloaths are too fimple. And 
 therfore I mean againft my coufin M. wedding 
 
 D. I. II 
 
102 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 (which you know wil be fhortly) that you ftiall 
 haue a new gowne, made on the beft faftiion, 
 with all things futable thereunto, in fuch fort that 
 the beft woman in the parifh ftiall not pafle you. 
 Nay (quoth flie) God willing I mean to go to no 
 weddings this twelve moneths, for the goodly 
 credit I got by the laft. By my faith (faith he) 
 but you ftiall : what ? you muft not be fo head- 
 ftrong and felfe-wild. I tell you if I fay the 
 word, you ftiall goe, and you ftial want nothing 
 that you afke or require. That I afke? alas 
 huftjand (quoth ftie) I afke nothing, neither did 
 I fpeake this for any defire that I haue to goe 
 braue : truft me for mine owne part I care not 
 if I neuer ftirre abroad, faue onely to church: 
 but what I faid was vpon the fpeeches which 
 were there vfed, and fuch other like words, 
 which my goflip N, told me that flie had alfo 
 heard in company where flie was. With thefe 
 words y good kind foole her huftjand is netled, 
 for on the one fide he confiders his fundry other 
 occafions to vfe money, and his fmall ftore thereof, 
 which is perhaps fo ftender, that his fingle purfe 
 cannot extempory change a double piftolet. And 
 fo ill befted is he of houftiold ftuffib, that perhaps 
 the third part is not a fufficiet pawne / for fo 
 much money, as this new fuite of his wiues will 
 ftand him in. But on the other fide he waighes 
 
THE BA TCHELA RS BANQ UET. 1 63 
 
 his difcontent, the report of neighbours fpeeches, 
 and laftly how good a wife he hath of her : how 
 chaft, how louing, how reUgious ; whereof the kind 
 Affe hath fuch an opinion, that he thanks God 
 with al his heart, for blefling him with fuch a 
 lewell. In this thought he refolues that all other 
 things fet afide he muft and will content her. 
 And herewithall he fets his braines afrefh on 
 worke, to confider how beft he may compafle it : 
 And in this humor he fpends the whole night 
 without fleepe, in continuall thought. And it 
 comes to pafle that the wife perceiuing to what 
 a point fhe hath brought her purpofe, doth not 
 a litle reioyce and fmile in her fleeue to fee it. 
 The next morning by the break of day the poore 
 man gets vp, who for care and thought could take 
 no reft all night, and goes prefently to the Drapers ; 
 of whom he takes vp cloth for three monthes 
 time, paying for it after an exceffiue rate, by 
 reafon of their forbearance, and in like fort makes 
 prouifion for the reft ; or perhappes becaufe he 
 would buy it at a better rate, he pawnes for 
 ready 'mony the leafe of his houfe, or fome faire 
 peece of plate (which his grandfather bought, 
 and his father charily keeping) left for him, 
 which now he is inforced to part with, to furnifti 
 therby. his wiues pride : and hauing thus dis- 
 patched his bufines, he returnes. home with a 
 
i64 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 merry heart, and fliewes his wife what he had 
 done : who being now fure of all, begins to cuvfe 
 the firft inuentors of pride, and exceffe in apparell : 
 faying fye vpon it, what pride is this ? bat I pray 
 you hufband, do not fay hereafter, that I made 
 you lay out your mony in this needles fort, for 
 I proteft that I haue no delight or defire to goe 
 thus garifhly : If I haue to couer my body and 
 keepe me warme it contents me. The good 
 man hearing his wife fay fo, doth euen leape.for 
 joy, thinking all her words gofpel, & therefore 
 prefently he fets the Taylor a worke, willing him. 
 to dilpatch out of hand, that his wife may be 
 braue fo foone as may be. She hauing thus 
 obtained her purpofe doth inwardly triumph for 
 very ioy, howfoeuer outwardly fhe doth diffemble. 
 And whereas before fhe vaunted, that fhe could 
 find in / her heart to keepe alwayes within doores, 
 fhe -will bee fure now euery good day to goe 
 abroad, and at each feafl and Goflips meeting 
 to bee a continuall guefl, that all may fee her 
 brauery, and how well fhe doth become it ; to 
 which caufe fhe alfo comes euery Sunday dayly 
 to the Church, that there fhee may fee and be 
 feene, which her hufband thinkes fhe doth of 
 meere deuotion. But in the meane while the 
 time runs on, and the day comes, wherein the 
 poore man mufl pay his creditors, which beeing 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 163 
 
 vnable to do, he is at length arrefted, and after 
 due proceeding in law, he hath an execution 
 ferued vpbn him, or elfe his pawne is forfaited, 
 and by either of both hee is almoft vtterly yn- 
 done. Then muft his fine wife of force vaile her i^ 
 peacocke-plumes, and fall againe to her old by as, 
 keeping her houfe againft her will, becaufe fhe 
 could not be furnifht with gay attire according 
 to her mind. But God knoweth in what mifery 
 the fillie man doth Hue, being dayly vexed with 
 her brawling and fcolding, exclaiming againft him, 
 that all the houfe doth ring thereof, and in this 
 fort fhe begins' her fagaries. Now curfed be the 
 day that euer I fawe thy face, and a ftiame take 
 them that brought me firft acquainted with thee : 
 I would to God L had either died in my cradle, 
 or gone to my graue when I went to Aiaspoore 
 be married with thee. Was euer woman ^°"'®" | 
 of my degree and birth brought to this beggery ^ ' 
 Or any of my bringing vp kept thus bafely, and 
 brought to this fhame ? I which little knew what 
 labour meant, muft now toyle and tend the 
 houfe as a drudge, hauing neuer a coate to my 
 backe, or fcant hanfome hofe to my legs, and 
 yet all little enough, whereas I wis I might haue 
 had twentie good manages, in the meaneft of 
 which I ftiould haue liued at eafe and pleafure, , 
 without being put to any paine, or fufFering I 
 
i66 . THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 any penurle. Wretch that I am, why do I 
 liue? now would to God I were in my graue 
 already, for I am wearie of the worlde, weary of 
 my life, and weary of all. Thus doth fhe dayly 
 complaine, and lay all the fault of her fall on him 
 which leaft deferued it, nothing remembring her 
 owne pride, in coueting things aboue her eftate 
 or abilitie, her mifgouernment, & dayly gadding / 
 with her goffips to banquets and bridals, when 
 fhe fhould haue lookt to the houfe, and followed 
 her owne bufines at home. And his folly is alfo 
 fuch, that being blinded with dotage through too 
 much louing her, [he] cannot perceiue that fhe is 
 the caufe of all this euill, of all the cares, griefes, 
 & thoughts, which perplexe and torture him ; and 
 yet nothing cuts him fo much as this, to fee her 
 fo fumifh and vnquiet, when if he can at any 
 time fomewhat pacific, then is his heart halfe at 
 refl. Thus doth the filly wretch tofle and tur- 
 moile himfelfe in lobs pound, wrapt in a kind of 
 pleafing woe, out of the which he hath neither 
 power nor will to wind himfelf, but therein doth 
 confume the remnant of his languifhing life, and 
 miferably endes his dayes. 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 167 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 the humour of a woman, pranked vp in braue 
 apparell. 
 
 I ^He nature of a woman inclined to another 
 -*- kind of humor, which is this, when the 
 wife feeing her felfe brauely apparelled, and that 
 fhe is therewith faire & comely (or if fhe be not) 
 yet thinking her felfe fo (as women are naturally* 
 giuen to footh themfelues,) fhe doth as I faid 
 before, hunt after feafts and foUemne meetings, 
 wherwith her hufband perhaps is not very well 
 pleafed ; which fhe perceiuing, the more to bleare 
 his eyes, fhe takes with her fome kinfwoman or 
 goflip, or poflible fome lufly gallant, of whom 
 fhe claimes kinred, though in very deed there be 
 no fuch matter, but only a frrtooth cullor to 
 deceiue her hufband : And perchance to induce 
 him the fooner to beleeue it, her mother which 
 is priuie to the match, will not ftick to fay and 
 fweare it is fo : yet fometime the hufband to 
 preuent his wiues gadding, will Taine fome let, 
 as want of horfes, or other like hinderances : 
 then prefently the gofTip or kinfwoman, of whom 
 before I fpeake, will thus follemnely affault him. 
 Beleeue / me goffip I haue as little pleafure, as 
 who hath leafl in going abroad, for I wis I had not 
 
i68 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 fo much bufinefle to doe this twelue moneth as 
 I haue at this inftant : yet (hould I not goe to 
 this wedding, being fb kindly bidden, I know 
 the young bride would take it in very ill part: 
 yea, and I may fay to you, fd would our neigh- 
 bours, and other Dur friends, ^hich will be there, 
 who would verily imagine, we kept away for 
 fome other caufe: and were it not for this, I 
 proteft I would not ftirre out of doores, neither 
 would my coufen your wife haue any defire to 
 goe thither : thus much I can truly witnes, that 
 I neuer knewe any woman take lefle delight in 
 fuch things then your wife, or which being abroad, 
 will make more haft to be at home againe. The 
 filly man her hufbahd being vanquifhed by thefe 
 words, and no longer able to deny their requeft, 
 demands onely what other women doe appoint 
 to goe, and who fhall man them. Marrie fir 
 (faith file) that fhall my coufen H. And befides 
 your wife and I, there goes my kinfwoman T. 
 and her mother, Miftrefi'e H. and her Aunt : my 
 Vncle T. and his brother be met, with both their 
 wiues : Miftrefle C. my next neighbour : and to. 
 conclude, all the women of account in this flreete : 
 I dare boldly fay, that honefter company there 
 cannot be, though it were to conuey a Kings 
 daughter. 
 
 Now it oft chaunceth that this fmobth tongued 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BA NQ UET. 1 69 
 
 Oratrix who pleades thus quaintly with womans 
 art, muft haue for her paines a gowne cloth, a 
 lewell, or fome other recompence, if fhe preuaile 
 with the good man & cunningly play her part. 
 He after fome paufe, perhaps will reply in this 
 fort : Goffip, I confefTe it is very good company, 
 but my wife hath now great bufineffe at home, 
 and befides fhe vfeth to goe very much abroad, 
 yet for this time I am content fhe fhall goe : But 
 I pray you dame quoth he, be at home betimes. 
 His wife feeing that her gofTip had gotten leaue, 
 makes as if fhe cares not for going forth, faying : 
 By my faith man I haue fomething els to do, then 
 to goe to bridaile at this prefent : what, we haue 
 a great houfhold, and rude feruants God wot : 
 whofe idlnes is fuch, that they / will not doe 
 any thing, if a bodies backe be turned : for it is 
 an old prouerbe. When the cat is away, the moufe 
 will play. And therefore goffip hold you content, 
 we mufl not be altogether careles, nor fet fo 
 much by our pleafure, to negledl our profit : 
 And therefore hold me excufed, for I cannot now 
 be fpared, nor I will not goe, that is flat Nay 
 good goffip (faith the other) feeing your hufband 
 hath giuen you leaue, let vs haue your company 
 this once, & if it be but for my fake, fuch a 
 chaunce as this comes not euery day. With 
 that the good man taking the Cib afide, whifpers 
 
170 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 her thus in her eare : were it not goffip for the 
 confidence I repofe in you, I proteft flie fhould 
 not ftir out of doores at this time. Now as I 
 am an honeft woman (quoth fhe) aiid of my credit 
 goflip you jfhall not need to doubt any thing. 
 
 Thus to horfe they get, and away they fpurre 
 with a merry gallop, laughing to themfelues, 
 mocking and flouting the filly man -for his 
 fimplicitie : the one faying to the other, that he 
 had a fhrewde lealous braine, but it fliould auaile 
 him nothing. Tufh faid the young woman, it is 
 an olde faying, he had need of a long fpoone" 
 that will eate with the diuell : and fhe of a good 
 wit, that would preuent the furie of a iealous 
 foole : and with this and the like talke, they paffe 
 the time till they come to the place appointed, 
 where they meet with luftie gallants, who per- 
 aduenture had at the former feafl: made the match, 
 and were come thither of purpofe to ftrike vp the 
 bargaine. But howfoeuer it is, this luftie Lafle 
 lackes no good cheare, nor any kindnes which they 
 can fhew her. Imagin now how forward fhe will 
 be to fhew her beft fkill in dauncing and finging, 
 and how lightly fhe will afterward efteeme her 
 hufband: being thus courted and comended by 
 a crew of luftie gallants, who feeing her fo brauely 
 attired, and graced with fo fweet & fmooth a 
 tongue, fo fharpe a wit, fo amiable a countenance. 
 
THE BATGHELARS BANQUET. 171 
 
 will each to ftriue to exceed other in feruing, 
 louing, and pleafing her: for the gallant carriage 
 and wanton demeanour of fo beautifuU a peece, 
 cannot chufe but incorage a meere coward, and 
 heat (if not inflame) a frozen heart : One aflaies 
 her with fugred tearmes, / and fome pleafing 
 difcourfe, painting forth his affedlion with louers 
 eloquence : another giues her a priuie token by 
 {training her foft hand, or treading on her prettie 
 foote : another eyes her with a piercing and 
 pittifuU looke, making his countenance his fancies 
 herrold : and perhaps the third which is mofl: 
 likely to fpeede, beftowes vpon her a gold Ring, a 
 Diamond, a Ruby, or fome fuch like cofl:ly toy : 
 By all which aforefaid tokens fhe may well con- 
 ceiue their meanings (if fhe haue any conceit at 
 all) and fometimes it fo fals out, that they fall in 
 where they fliould not, and flie fl:epping fomewhat 
 afide, doth fo fhrewdly ftraine her honefl:y, that 
 hardly or neuer the griefe can be cured. But to 
 proceed, this ouer gorgious wantoning of his wife, 
 brings the poore man behind hand, and doth 
 withall caufe a greater inconuenience, for in the 
 end by one meanes or other, either through her 
 too much boldnes, or her louers want of warinefTe, 
 the matter at length comes to light, whereof fome 
 friend or kinfman giues him notice. He being 
 tickled by this bad report, therupon fearching 
 
172 THE BA TCHELARS 'BANQ UE7. 
 
 further, finds it true, or gathers more likely hood 
 of fufpitio, & that prefently infedts his thoughts 
 with iealoufie, into which mad tormeting humor 
 no wife man will euer fall : for it is an euill both 
 extreame & endles, efpecially if it be iuftly con- 
 ceiued vpon the wiues knowne leaudnes, for then 
 there is no hope of curing. She on the other fide 
 feeing this, and receiuing for her loofe hfe many 
 bitter fpeeches, doth clofely keepe on her old 
 courfe but now more for fpight then pleafure, for 
 it is in vaine to thinke y fhe will reclaime her 
 felfe. And if he hoping by conftraint to make her 
 honeft, fall to beating her (though he vfe neuer fo 
 much feueritie) he fhall but kindle fo much the 
 more the fire of that lewd loue which fhe beares 
 ! vnto others : hereon followes a heape of mifchiefes, 
 
 ihe growes careles of his bufines, letting all things 
 run to ruine : fhe on the other fide becomes 
 fhameles, couerting into deadly, hate the loue that 
 '• fhe fhould beare him. ludge now what a purga- 
 torie of perplexities the poore man doth Hue in, 
 and yet for all this he is fo befotted, that he 
 feemes to take great pleafure in l^is paines, and to 
 be fo farre in loue whith Lobs pound, that / .were 
 he not already in, yet he would make all hafle 
 pofTible to be pofTefTed of the place, there to con- 
 fume the refidue of his life, and miferably end his 
 dayes. 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BA NQ UET. 1 73 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 The humour of a woman lying in Child-bed. 
 
 nr^Here is another humor incident to a woman, 
 
 -*- when her hufband fees her belly to grow big 
 
 (though peraduenture by the help of fome other 
 
 friend) yet he perfwades himfelfe, it is a worke of 
 
 his owne framing : and this breedes him new cares 
 
 & troubles, for then muft he trot vp & down day 
 
 & night, far, & neere, to get with great coft that 
 
 his wife longs for : if fhe lets fall but a pin, he is 
 
 diligent to take it vp, leaft fhe by ftouping fhould 
 
 hurt her felfe. She on the other fide is fo hard to 
 
 pleafe, that it is a great hap whe he fits her humor, 
 
 in bringing home that which likes her, though he 
 
 fpare no paines nor coft to get it. And oft times 
 
 through eafe and plentie fhe growes fo queafie 
 
 ftomackt, that fhe can brooke no common meates, 
 
 but longs for ftrange and rare thinges, which 
 
 whether they be to be had or no, yet fhe muft 
 
 haue them, there is no remedie. She muft haue 
 
 Cherries, though for a pound he pay ten ftiillings; 
 
 or greene Pefcods at foure Nobles a peck : yea he 
 
 muft take a horfe, and ride into the Countrey to 
 
 get her greene Codlings, when they are fcarcely 
 
 fo big as a fcotch button. .In thj? trouble and 
 
 vexation of mind and body. Hues the filly man for 
 
174 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 fixe or feuen months, all which time his wife doth 
 nothing but complaine, and hee poore foule takes 
 all the care, rifing earely, going late to bed, and to 
 be fhort, is faine to play both the hufband and the 
 hufwife. But when the time drawes neere of her 
 lying downe, then muft he trudge to get Goffips, 
 fuch as fhee will appoint, or elfe all the fatte is 
 in the fire. Confider then what coft and trouble 
 it will bee to him to haue all things fine againft 
 the Chriftning day, what ftore of Sugar, Bifkets, 
 Comphets and Carowayes, Marmilade, and / 
 marchpane, with ' all kind of fweete fuckets, and 
 fuperfluous banquetting ftuffe, with a hundred 
 other odde and needlefle trifles which at that time 
 muft fill the pockets of daintie dames : Befides the 
 charge of the midwife, fhe muft haue her nurfe 
 to attend and keepe her, who muft make for her 
 warme broaths, and coftly caudels, enough both 
 for her felfe and her miftrefle, being of the mind 
 to fare no worfe then ftie : If her miftrefie be fed 
 with partridge, plouer, woodcocks, quailes, or any 
 fuch like, the nurfe muft be partner with her in 
 all thefe dainties : neither yet will that fufiice, but 
 during the whole month, fhe priuily pilfers away 
 the fuger, the nutmegs and ginger, with all other 
 fpices that comes vnder her keeping, putting the 
 poore man to fuch expenfe that in a whole yeare 
 he can fcarcely recouer that one moneths charges. 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQ,UE2. 175 
 
 Then euery day after her lying downe, will fundry 
 dames vifit her, which are her neighbours, her 
 kinfwomen, and other her fpeciall acquaintance, 
 whom the goodman muft welcome with all cheer- 
 fulnefle, and be fure there be fome dainties in ftore 
 to fet before them : where they about fome three 
 or fbur houres (or poflible halfe a day) will fit 
 chatting with the Child-wife, and by that time the 
 cups of wine haue merily trold about, and halfe 
 a dozen times moyfined their lips with the fweet 
 iuyce of the purple grape : They begin thus one 
 with another to difcourfe : Good Lord neighbor, 
 I maruaile how our goflip Frees doth, I haue not 
 feene the good foule this many a day. 
 
 Ah God helpe her, quoth another, for {he hath 
 her hands full of worke and her heart full of 
 heauinefle : While flie drudges all the weeke at 
 home, her hufband, like an vnthrift, neuer leaues ' 
 running abroad to the Tennis court, and Dicing 
 houfes, fpeding all that euer he hath in fuch lewd 
 fort ; yea, & if that were the worft it is well : 
 But heare you, Goffip, there is another matter 
 fpoyles all, he cares no more for his wife then for 
 a dog, but keepes queanes euen vnder her nofe. 
 lefu ! fayth another, who would thinke he were 
 fuch a man, he behaues himfelfe fo orderly and 
 ciuilly, to all mens fightes? Tufh, holde your 
 peace Goflip (faith the other) it is commonly feene 
 
1 76 THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 the / ftill fowe eates vp all the draiFe, hee carries 
 a fmooth countenance but a corrupt confcience : 
 That I ktiowe F. well enough, I will not fay he 
 loues miftreffe G., goe-too goffip I drinke to you. 
 Yea and faith another, there goes foule lies if G. 
 himfelfe loues not his maid N. T can tell you 
 their mouthes will not be ftopt with a bufhell of 
 wheat that fpeake it. Then the third fetching 
 a great figh, faying by my truth fuch an other old 
 Bettrefle haue I at home : for neuer giue me credit 
 goffip, if I tooke her not the other day in clofe 
 conference with her maifter, but I think I be- 
 fwaddeld my maid in fuch fort, that ftie will haue 
 fmall lift to do fo againe. Nay goffip (faith 
 another) had it bene to me, that fhould not haue 
 ferued her turne, but I would haue turnd the 
 queane out of doors to picke a Sallet : for wot ye 
 what goffip? it is ill fetting fire and flaxe together: 
 but I pray you tell me one thing, when faw you 
 our friend miftreffe C. ? now in good foothe ftie 
 is a kind creature, and a very gentle Peat : I 
 promife you I faw her not fince you and I dranke 
 a pinte of wine with her in the fifh market. (O 
 goffip faith the other) there is a great change fince 
 that time, for they haue bene faine to pawne all 
 that euer they haue, and yet God knowes her 
 huft)and lies ftill in prifon. O the paffion of my 
 heart (faith another) is all their great and glorious 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 177 
 
 fliew come to nothing ? good Lord what a world 
 this is. (Why goffip faith another) it was neuer 
 like to be otherwife, for they loued euer to goe 
 fine, and fare daintily, and by my faith goffip, this 
 is not a world for thofe matters, and therupon I 
 drinke to you. This is commonly their communi- 
 cation, where they find cheare according to their 
 choice. But if it happen contrary, that they find 
 not things in fuch plentie, and good order as they 
 would wifh, then one or other of them will talke 
 to this efFedt : Truft me goffip I maruel much, 
 and fo doth alfo our other friends, that your 
 hufband is not afhamed to niake fuch fmall 
 account of you, and this your fweete , child. If he 
 be fuch a niggard at the firft, what, will hee be by 
 that time he hath fiue or fix ? it doth well appeare 
 he beares but little loue to you ; whereas you 
 vouchfafing to match with him, hath done him 
 more / credit then euer had any of his kinred. 
 Before God, faith another, I had rather fee my 
 hufbands eyes out then he fliould ferue me fo : 
 therefore if you be wife vfe him not to it : neither 
 in this fort let him tread you vnder foote : I tell 
 you it is a foule fliame for him, and you may be 
 wel aflured fith he begins thus, that hereafter he 
 wil vfe you in the fame order, if not worfe. In 
 good footh faith the third, it feemes very fl:raunge 
 to . me, that a wife woman, and one of fuch 
 D. I. 12 
 
1 78 THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 ^ parentage as you are, who as all men knowes is 
 by blood farre his better, can endure to be thus 
 vfed by a bafe companion : Blame vs not to 
 fpeake good goffip, for I proteft the wrong that he 
 doth you, doth likewife touch vs, and all other 
 good women that are in your cafe. 
 
 The Child-wife hearing all this, begins to 
 weepe, faying ; Alas Goffip, I know not what 
 to do, or how to pleafe him, he is fo diuerfe 
 and wayward a man, and befides, he thinks all 
 too much that is fpent. (Goffip he is faith one) 
 a badde and a naughtie man, and fo it is well 
 feene by your vfage. All my Goffips here prefent 
 can tell, that when I was marryed to my hufband, 
 euery one faid that hee was fo haftie and hard 
 to pleafe that he would kill me with greefe : And 
 indeed I may fay to you, I found him crabbed 
 enough : for he began to take vpon him mightily, 
 and thought to haue wrought wonders, yet I 
 haue vfed fuch meanes, that I haue tamed my 
 young maifter, and haue at this prefent brought 
 him to that pafle, that I dare fweare hee had 
 rather loofe one of his ioynts, then Rangle with 
 me : I will not deny but once or twice hee beate 
 me fhrewdly, which I God-wot being young and 
 tender tooke in greeuous part, but what he got 
 by it, let my Goffip T. report, who is yet a 
 woman liuing, and can tell the whole ftorie : to 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUE7. 179 
 
 whom my good man within a while after faide, 
 that I was paft remedie, and that he might fooner 
 kill me, then doo any good by beating me, (and 
 by thefe ten bones fo hee fhould) but in the end 
 I brought the matter fo about, that I got the 
 bridle into my owne handes, fo that I may now 
 fay, I do what I lift : for be it right or wrong, 
 if I fay it, hee will not gainfay it, (for by / this 
 Golde on my finger, let him doo what hee can, 
 I will be fure to haue the laft word :) fo that in 
 very deed, if that women be made vnderlings by 
 their hufbands, the fault is their owne : for there 
 is not any man aliue, be he neuer fo churlifh, but 
 his wife may make him quiet and gentle enough 
 if fhee haue any wit : And therefore your good 
 man ferues you but well enough, fith you will take 
 it fo. 
 
 Beleeue me GofTip (faith another) were I in 
 your cafe, I would giue him fuch a welcome at 
 his comming home, and ring fuch a peale of 
 badde words in his eares, that he fhould haue 
 fmall ioy to ftaie the hearing. 
 
 Thus is the poore man handled behinde his j 
 backe, while they make no fpare to help away 
 with his Wine and Sugar which hee hath prepared, 
 whome they for his kindnes thus requites : yea 
 now and then hauing their braines well heated, 
 they will not fticke to taunt him to his face : 
 
1 80 2HE BA TCHELARS BA NQ UET. 
 
 Accufmg him of little loue, and great vnkindnefle 
 to his wife. 
 
 Now it doth many times fo chaunce, that he 
 hauing bene to prouide fuch meates as fhee would 
 haue, he commeth home perhappes at midnight, 
 and before hee refts himfelfe, hath a verie earneft 
 defire to fee how his wife doth, and perchaunce 
 being loath to lye abroade becaufe of expence, 
 trauailes the later, that hee may reache to his 
 owne houfe, where when hee is once come, he 
 afketh the Chamber-maide, or elfe the Nurfe, 
 how his wife doth ; they hauing their errand 
 before giuen them by their MiftrefTe, anfweres, 
 fhe is verie ill at eafe, and that fince his departure 
 fhe tafted not one bit of meat, but that toward 
 the euening fhe began to be a little better : all 
 which be meere-lies. But the poore man hearing 
 thefe words, greeues not a litle, though perhaps 
 he be all tO/b€^ moyld, wearie & wet, hauing gone 
 a long iourny through a badde and filthy way, 
 vpon fome ill paced trotting lade ; and it may 
 be he is fafling too, yet will hee neither eate nor 
 drinke, nor fo much as fit downe, till he haue 
 feene his wife. Then the pratling Idle Nurfe, 
 which is not to learne to exployte fuche a peece 
 of feruice, beginnes to looke verie heauily, /and 
 to figh inwardly as though her miftreffe had 
 bene that day at the point of death, which he 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BA NQ UET. 1 8 1 
 
 feeing, is the more eanieft to vifit his wife : 
 whom at the entrance of the chamber, he heares 
 her lie groning to her felfe, and comming to the 
 beds fide, kindly fits down by her, faying how 
 now my fweet heart, how doeft thou? Ah 
 hulband (faith fhe) I am very ill, nor was I euer 
 fo ficke in my life as I haue bene this day. Alas 
 good foule (faith he) I am the more forie to heare 
 it, I pray thee tell me where lies thy paine ? Ah 
 hufband (quoth flie) you know I haue bene 
 weake a long time, and not able to eate any 
 thing. But wife (quoth he) why did you not 
 Caufe the Nurfe to boile you a capon, and make 
 a mefl"e of good broath for you.'' So fhe did 
 (faith his wife) as well as fhe could, but it did 
 not like me God wot, & by that meanes I haue 
 eaten nothing, fince the broath which your felfe 
 made me : Oh me thought that was excellent 
 good. Marie wife (faith he) I will prefently 
 make you fome more of the fame, & you fhall 
 eate it for my fake. With all my heart good 
 hufband (faith fhe) and I fhall thinke my felfe 
 highly beholding vnto you : then trudgeth he 
 into the kitchen, there plaies he the Cooke, 
 burning and broiling himfelfe ouer the fire, 
 hauing his eyes readie to be put out with fmoake, 
 while he is bufie making the broath : what time 
 he chides with his maides, calling them beafles 
 
i82 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 and baggages that knowes not how to do any 
 
 thing, not fo much as make a httle broath for 
 
 a ficke bodie, but he muft be faine to doe it 
 
 himfelfe. Then comes down miftrefle Nurfe, as 
 
 fine as a farthing fiddle, in her pettiecoate and 
 
 kertle, hauing on a white waftcoate, with a 
 
 flaunting cambricke ruff about her neck, who 
 
 Hke a Dodtris in facultie comes thus vpon him. 
 
 Good Lord Sir, what paines you take, here is 
 
 no bodie can pleafe our miftreffe but your felfe : 
 
 I will affure you on my credit that I doe what 
 
 I can, yet for my life I cannot I, any way content 
 
 her. Moreouer here came in miftrefle Cot, and 
 
 miftreffe Con. who did both of them what they 
 
 could to haue your wife eate fome thing, neuer- 
 
 theleffe all that they did, could not make her 
 
 tafte one fpoonefull of any thing all this liuelong 
 
 day : I know not what flie / ayles : I haue kept 
 
 many women in my time, both of worfliip and 
 
 credit (Ample though I ftand here) but I neuer 
 
 knew any fo weake as flie is. I, I (quoth he) 
 
 you are a companie of cunning cookes, that cannot 
 
 make a little broath as it fhould be. And by 
 
 this time the broath being readie, he brings it 
 
 ftraight to his wife, comforting her with many 
 
 kind words, praying her to eate it tor his fake, 
 
 or to tafte a fpoonetull or twaine ; which flie doth, 
 
 commending it to the heauens, affirming alfo, that 
 
'rUE BATCHELARS BANQUET, 183 
 
 the broath which the others made had no good 
 tafte in the world, and was nothing worth. The 
 good man hereof being not aUttleproud, bids them 
 make a good fire in his wiues Chamber, charging 
 them to tend her well. And hauing giuen this 
 order, he gets himfelfe to fupper, with fome cold 
 meate fet before him, fuch as the goffips left, 
 or his Nurfe could fpare, and hauing taken this 
 fhort pittance he goes to bed full of care. The 
 next morning he gets him vp betimes, and comes 
 kindly to know how his wife doth, who prefently 
 pops him in the mouth with a fmooth lye, faying, 
 that all night fhe could take no reft till it grew 
 towards the morning, and then fhe began to 
 feele a little more eafe, when God knowes fhe 
 neuer flept more foundly in all her life. Well 
 wife, faid the good man, you muft remember 
 that this night is our Goffips fupper, and they 
 will come hither with many other of our friends, 
 therefore we muft prouide fomething for them, 
 efpecially becaufe it is your vpfitting, and a fort- 
 night at the leaft fince you were brought to bed : 
 but good wife, let vs goe as neere to the world 
 as we may, feeing that our charge doth euery 
 day increafe, and money was neuer fo ill to come 
 by. She hearing him to fay fo, begins to pout, 
 faying ; would for my part I had dyed in trauell, 
 and my poore Infant beene ftrangled in the birth. 
 
i84 THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 fo fhould you not be troubled with vs at all, nor 
 haue caufe to repine fo much at your fpending : 
 I am Aire there is neuer a woman in the world, 
 that in my cafe hath worfe keeping, or is lefTe 
 chargeable, yet let me pinch and fpare, and do 
 what I can, all is thought too much that I haue : 
 Truft me, I care not a ftraw whether you prouide 
 me any / thing or no, though the forrow be mine, 
 the fhame will be yours, as yefterday for example : 
 I am fure here came in abpue a dozen of our neigh- 
 bours and friends, of meere kindnefle to fee mee, 
 and knowe how I did, who by their countenance and 
 comming did you greater credit then you deferue : 
 But God knowes what entertainement they had, 
 hauing nothing in the houfe to fet before the ; 
 which made me fo much afhamed^ that I knew 
 not what to fay : He tell you what, before God 
 I may boldly fpeake it (for I haue feene it) that 
 when any of them lyes in, their very feruants haue 
 better fare then I my felfe had at your hands; 
 which they feeing betwixt themfelues yefterday 
 when they were heere, did kindly floute both 
 you and me for their entertainment. I haue 
 not (as you know) line in aboue 15. dayes, and 
 can yet fcant ftand on my legs, & you thinke it 
 long till I be moyling about the houfe to catch 
 my bane, as I feare I haue done alreadie. Beleeue 
 me wife (quoth he) you miftake me greatly. 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 185 
 
 for no ma in ^ world can be more kind to his 
 wife, the I haue bin to you. Kind to me (quoth 
 you) by y mafle y you haue with a murren, no 
 doubt but I haue had a fweete mefle of cherifhing 
 at your hands, but I fee your drift wel enough, 
 you gape euery day for my death, and I would 
 to God it were fo. for me : The month indeed is 
 halfe expired, and I feare the reft wil come before 
 we be ready for it : My Sifter S. was heere no 
 longer ago then to day, and aikt if I had euer a 
 new gown to be Churched in, but God wot I am 
 far enough fro it, neither do I defire it, though 
 it be a thing which ought both by reafon & 
 cuftome to be done : And becaufe it is your 
 pleafure, I will rife to morrow, what chance ibeuer 
 befall, for the worft is, I can but lofe my life : 
 full well may I gather by this, how you will vfe 
 me hereafter, and what account you would make 
 of me, if I had nine or tzxv children; but God 
 forbid it fhould euer come fo to pafTe, I defire 
 rather to be rid of my life, and fo to fhun the 
 ftiame of. the world, then long to Hue with fuch 
 an vnkind churle. Now verily wife (faith the 
 good man) I muft needs blame your impatience, 
 for growing fo cholerick without caufe. Without 
 caufe (quoth fhe ?) / Do you thinke I haue no 
 iuft caufe to complaine ? I will aflure you there 
 is neuer a >voman of my degree, that would put 
 
i86 THE BArCHELARS BANCIUET. 
 
 vp the intollerable iniuries that I haue done, and 
 dayly doe, by meanes of your hoggifh conditions. 
 Well wife faith the good man, lye as long as you 
 lift, and rife when you will, but I pray you tell 
 me how this new gowne may be had, which 
 The Fox will 7°^ fo cameftlie afke for ? By my 
 eateao grapes, f^-jj^ (quoth flie) you fay not well, 
 
 for I aflce nothing at your hands, neither 
 would I haue it though I might : I thanke God I 
 haue gownes enough alreadie, and fufficient to 
 ferue my turne, and you know I take no delight 
 in garifti attire, for I am paft a girle, but it makes 
 me fmile to fee what a fhew of kindnes you would 
 faine make : Fye on thee diffembler, you can cog 
 arid flatter as well as any man in this towne, and 
 full little thinke they that fee you abroad, what 
 a diuell you are at home : for what with your 
 crooked qualities, with toyling, moyling, carking 
 and caring, and being befide broken with Child- 
 bearing, my countenance is quite changed, fo that 
 I looke alreadie as withered, as the barke of an 
 Elder bough : There is my Coufen 
 
 No more like _, _, , , - ,. , . , 
 
 the woman 11. 1 . WHO whcn 1 was a little girle, 
 
 was, then an . . , 
 
 apple is like anwas at womaus cltate, and in the end 
 
 ovstcr 
 
 married Maifter H. with whom fhe leades 
 a Ladyes life, looking fo young and luftie, that I 
 may feeme to be her mother : I, I, fuch is the 
 diiference twixt a kind, and an vncourteous hus- 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 187 
 
 band, and who knowes not but he was a futer to 
 me, and made many a iourney to my fathers houfe 
 for my fake, & would fo faine haue had me, that 
 while I was to marry he would not match himfelfe 
 with any : but fo much was I bewitcht, that after 
 I had once feene you, I would not haue changed 
 for the beft Lord in the land ; and this I haue 
 in recompence of my loue and loyaltie. Goe too 
 wife (faith he) I pray you leaue thefe lauifh 
 fpeeches, and let vs call to minde where we may 
 beft take vp cloth for your gowne : for you fee, 
 fuch is our weake eftate, that if we fhould rafhly 
 lay out that little money which is in the houfe, 
 we might pofllble bee vnprouided of all other 
 neceflaries : Therefore whatfoeuer fhould chaunce 
 hereafter, it is beft to keepe / fomething againft a 
 rainy day : And againe you know within thefe 
 eight or nine dayes, I haue fiue pounde to pay to 
 Maifter P. which muft be done, there is no ftiift, 
 otherwife I am like to fuftaine treble dammage. 
 Tufti (quoth ftie) what talke you to me of thofe 
 matters : alas I aike you nothing : I would to 
 God I were once rid of this trouble : I pray you 
 let me take fome reft, for my head akes (God 
 helpe me as it would go in pieces) I wis you 
 feele not my paine, and you take little care for 
 my griefe : Therefore I pray you fend my Go flips 
 word that they may not come, for I feele my felfe 
 
i88 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 very ill at eafe. Not fo (quoth he) I wil neither ■ 
 breake cuftome, nor fo much as gainefay their 
 courteous offer, they fhall come fure, and be enter- 
 tained in the beft manner I may. Well (quoth 
 fhe) I would to God you would leaue me, that I 
 might take a little reft, and then do as you lift. 
 Vpon thefe fpeeches the Nurfe ftraight fteppes in, 
 and roundes her maifter in the eare, I pray you 
 Sir do not force her to many words, for it makes 
 her head light, and doth great harme to a woman 
 in her cafe, efpecially her braines being fo light 
 for want of fleepe : and befides, fliee is God 
 knowes, a woman of a tender and choyce com- 
 plexion : and with that ftie drawes the Curtaines 
 about the bed. Thus is the poore man held in 
 fufpence till the next day that the Goffips come, 
 who will play their parts fo kindly, and gaul him 
 fo to the quick with their quips & taunts, that 
 his courage wil be wholy quailde, and he alreadie 
 (if they fhould bid him, like the prodigal childe, 
 euen to eate draftee with the hogges) rather then 
 he would difpleafe them. But to proceede, hee in 
 the meane while is double diligence, to prouide 
 all things againft their comming, according to 
 his abilitie, and by reafon of his wiues words, he 
 buyes more meate, and prepares a great deale better 
 cheare then he thought to haue done. At their 
 comming he is readie to welcome them with his 
 
THE BA TCHELA RS BANQ UET. 1 89 
 
 Cap in hand, and all the kindnefle that may be 
 fhewed. Then doth hee trudge bare-headed vp 
 and downe the houfe, with a cheareful counten- 
 ance, like a good Affe fit to beare the burthen, he 
 brings the Goffips vp to his wife, and comming 
 firft / to her himfelf, he tels her of their comming. 
 I wis (quoth fhe) I had rather they had kept at 
 home ; and fo they would too, if they knew how 
 litle pleafure I tooke in their comming. Nay I 
 pray you wife (faith he) giue them good counten- 
 ance, feeing they be come for good will : with 
 this they enter, & after mutuall greetings, with 
 much goffips ceremonies, downe they fit and there 
 fpend the whole day, in breaking their fafts, 
 dining, and in making an after-noones repaft : 
 befides their petty fuppings at her beds fide, and 
 at the cradle ; where they difcharge their parts fo 
 well, in helping him away with his good Wine and 
 Sugar, that the poore man comming oft to cheare 
 them, doth well perceiue it, and greeues inwardly 
 thereat, howfoeuer he couers his difcontent with a 
 merrie countenance. But they not caring how the 
 game goes, take the peniworths of that cheare 
 that is before them, neuer afking how it comes 
 there ; and fo they merily pafl"e the time away, 
 pratling and tailing of many good matters. After- 
 ward the poore man trots vp and downe anew, to 
 get his wife the aforefaid gowne, and all other 
 
190 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 things therto futable, whereby he fets himfelf 
 foundly in debt : fometimes he is troubled with 
 the childs brawling : fometimes he is brawld at 
 by the Nurfe : then his wife complaines, that fhe 
 was neuer well fince fhe was brought to bed, 
 then muft hee caft his cares anew, deuifing by 
 what meanes to difcharge his debts and leflen 
 his expences : then refolues he to diminifh his 
 owne port and augment his wiues brauerie, he 
 will go all the yeare in one fute, and make two 
 paire of fhooes ferue him a twelue-month, keeping 
 one paire for holy-dayes, another for working 
 dayes, and one hat in three or four yeares. Thus 
 according to his owne rafh defire, he is vp to the 
 eares in Lobs' -pownd, and for all the woe and 
 wretchednes that he hath felt, he would not yet 
 be out againe, but doth then willingly confume 
 himfelfe in continuall care, forrow and trouble, till 
 death doth fet him free. 
 
 CHAP. / IIII. 
 
 The Humour of a woman that hath a 
 charge of children. 
 
 THe next Humor that is by nature incident to 
 a woman, is when the hufband hath bin 
 married nine or ten yeares hath fiue or fix 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BA NC^ UET. 1 9 1 
 
 children, hath pafled the euill dayes, vnquiet 
 nights, and troubles aforefaid, hath his g^j^g ,y^g^ 
 luftie youthfulneffe fpent, fo that it I'sT^^^^lf^f^^ 
 now high time for him to repent : But *'"^ traueii. 
 fuch is his grofle folly that hee cannot, and fuch 
 his dulneffe, through the continuall vexations, 
 which haue tamed and wearied him, that he 
 cares not whatfoeuer his wife faith or doth, but is 
 hardned like an old Afle, which being vfed to the 
 whip wil not once mend his pace be he lafhed neuer 
 fo much : The poore man feeth two or three of 
 his daughters marriage-able, which is foone knowne 
 by their wanton trickes, their playing, dauncing, 
 and other youthfull toyes, but he keepes them 
 back, hauing perhaps fmall commings in, to keep, 
 maintain, and furnifh them as they looke for, with 
 gownes, kertles, linnen, and other ornaments as 
 they fhould be for three caufes. Firft, that they \ 
 may be the fooner fued vnto by lufty gallants: 
 Secondly, becaufe his denying hereof, fhould no- 
 thing auaile : for his wife which knowes her 
 daughters humors by her owne, when fhe was of 
 the like yeares, will fee that they fhall want 
 nothing : Thirdly, they paraduenture, bearing 
 right womens minds, if their father keepe them 
 fhort, will find fome other friends that fhall afFoord / 
 it them. The poore man being thus perplexed ofi" 
 all fides, by reafon of the excefiiue charges which 
 
192 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 he muft bee at, will (as it is likely) be but honeftly 
 attyred himfelfe, not- caring how he goes fo he 
 may rubbe out, be it heuer fo barely, and would 
 be glad to fcape fo. But as the Fifh in the Ponde, 
 which woulde alfo thinke him felf^ well, though 
 wanting former libertie, if he might bee fuiFered 
 to continue, is cut off before his time : So is 
 likewife this poore man ferued, being once/ 
 plunged in the perplexing Ponde, or rather pounde 
 of wedlocke and houfe-keeping : for howfoeuer, 
 when he conliders the aforefaid charges and troubles, 
 he begins to haue no ioy of himfelfe, and is no 
 more moued then a tyred lade which forceth not 
 for the fpurre, yet for the furniihing of his wife 
 and daughters, fo that he may haue peace at home, 
 and enioy an eafie bondage, he muft trudge vp and 
 downe early and late about his bufineffe, in that 
 courfe of life which he profeffeth : Sometimes 
 he iournies thirtie or fortie myles off, about his 
 affaires : Another time twice fo farre. to the 
 Tearme or Affifes, concerning fome old matter in 
 lawe, which was begunne by his Graund father, 
 and not yet towards an ende : he pulls on a pair of 
 bootes of feuen yeares old, which haue bene cobled 
 fo oft, that they are now a foote to fhort for him, 
 fo that the toppe of the bootes reaches no farther 
 then the calfe of his legge : he hath a paire of 
 fpurres of the olde making, whereof the one wants 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 193 
 
 a rowel I, and the other for want of leathers, is 
 faftned to his foote with a poynt : he puttes a 
 laced coate on his backe, which he hath had fixe 
 or feuen yeares, which he neuer wore but vppon 
 high dayes, whofe faftiion is growne cleane out c f 
 requeft, by reafon of new inuented garments : what- 
 foeuer fports or pleafures he lights on by the way 
 on his iourney, he takes no ioy in them, bicaufe 
 his mind is altogither on his troubles at home, he 
 fares hard by the way, as alfo his pore horfe, (if 
 he haue any) : his man followes him in a turnd fute, 
 with a fword by his fide, which was found vnder 
 a hedge at the fiege of Bullen : he hath a coate on 
 his back, which euery man may know was neuer 
 made for him, or he not prefent whe it was cut 
 out, for the wings on his flioulders comes downe 
 halfe way his arme, and -the fkirts as much below 
 his waft : To be fliort, the poore man goeth euery 
 way as neare as may be, for he remembers at what 
 charges he is at home, & knowes not what it 
 will coft him, in feeing his Councellors, Atturnies, 
 & Pettyfoggers, which wil do nothing without 
 prefent pay : he difpatcheth his bufinefle fpeedily, 
 and hies him home with fuch haft, to auoid greater 
 charges that he refts / nowhere by the way. And 
 hereby it chanceth that many times he comes home 
 at fuch an houre, as is as neare morning as to 
 night, and finds nothing to eate, for his wife and 
 D. I. 13 
 
1 94 THE BA TCHELARS BA NQ UET. 
 
 feruants are in bed ; all which he takes patiently, 
 being now well vfed to fuch entertainment : 
 y^urely for my part that God fends fuch aduerfitie 
 I and diftrefle to thofe only whofe good and mild 
 \ nature, he knowes to be fuch, that they will take 
 \ al things in good part. But to proceed, it is very 
 likely that the poore man is very wearie, his heart 
 heauie by reafon of the care and thought which he 
 ^ hath of his bufinefle, and it may be he lookes to 
 be welcome to his owne houfe, and there to re- 
 frefti himfelfe, howfoeuer he forgets not his former 
 vfage. But it falls out otherwife, for his wife 
 begins to chide ; whofe words caries fuch a fway 
 with the feruants, that whatfoeuer their maifter 
 faith, they make fmall account of it : but if their 
 miftrefle commaund any thing, it is prefently done, 
 and her humour followed in all things, elfe muft 
 they pack out of feruice, fo that it bootes not him 
 to bid them doe any thing, or rebuke them for 
 not doing it: And his poore man that hath bene 
 with him, dares not like wife open his mouth to 
 call for any viduals to comfort himfelfe, or for the 
 horfes, leaft they ihould fufpedl him to be of his 
 maifters fadtion, who being wife, of a quiet and 
 mild nature, is loath to make any ftur, or breed 
 any difquietnes in the houfe, and therfore takes all 
 in good part, and fits him downe farre from the 
 fire, though he be very cold : But his wife and 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 195 
 
 children ftand round about it : but all their eyes 
 are caft on her, who lookes on her hufband with 
 an angry countenance, not caring to prouide ought 
 for his fupper, but contrariwife taunts him with 
 fharp and fhrewifh fpeeches, whereto for the moft 
 part, he anfwers not a word, but fometimes per- 
 haps being vrged through hunger, or wearines, or 
 the vnkindnes of his wife, he doth thus vtter his 
 mind. Well wife you can looke well enough to 
 your felfe, but as for me I am both wearie and 
 hungry, hauing neither eaten nor drunke all this 
 day, and being befide wet to the very fkinne, yet 
 you make no reckoning to prouide any thing for 
 my fupper. 
 
 Ah / (quoth ftie) you do well to begin firft, leaft 
 I fliould, which haue moft caufe to fpeake : Haue 
 you not done verie well thinke yee, to take your 
 man with you, and leaue me no body to white 
 the cloathes? Now before God, I haue had more 
 lofle in my linnen, than you will get this twelue- 
 month. Moreouer, you fliut the Hen-houfe doore 
 very well, did you not ? when the Fox got in and 
 eate vp foure of my beft broode Hennes, as you 
 to your coft will foone finde by the mafle : if you 
 liue long you will be the pooreft of your kinne. 
 Well wife (faith the good man) vfe no fuch words 
 I pray you, God be thanked I haue enough, and 
 more fhall haue when it pleafeth him ; and I tell 
 
igfi THE BA TCHELARS BANQ_ UET. 
 
 you, I haue good men of my kinne. But quoth 
 fhe I knowe not where they be, nor what they 
 are worth. Well (faith he) they are of credit and 
 abilitie too. But for all thkt (quoth fhe) they do 
 you fmall good. As much good (faith he) as any 
 of yours. As any of mine (faith ihe) and that fhe 
 fpoke with fuch a high note, that the houfe rung 
 withall, faying ; By cocks foule were it not for my 
 friends you would do but forily. Well good wife 
 (faith he) let vs leaue this talke. Nay (faith fhe) 
 if they heard what you faid, they would anfwere 
 you well enough. The good man holds his peace, 
 fearing leafl fhe fhould tell them, being of greater 
 abillitie then he was, and befides, becaufe he was 
 loth that they fhould be offended with him. Then 
 one of the children falls a crying, and he perhaps 
 which his father loued befl ; wherevpon the mother 
 prefently tooke a rod, turned vp the childs taile 
 and whipt him well fauoredly, and the more to 
 defpight and anger her hufband, then for ought 
 elfe. The goodman being herewith fomewhat 
 moued, wills her to leaue beating the childe, 
 fhewing by his bended browes that he was not a 
 litle angry at her doings. Now gip with a murrin 
 (quoth fhe) you are not troubled with them, they 
 cofl you nothing, but it is I that haue all the 
 paines with them night and day. Then comes in 
 the Nurfe with her verdit, and thus fhe begins. 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 197 
 
 faying: O fir, you know not what a hand Ihe hath 
 with them, and we alfo that tend them. Then 
 comes in the Chamber-maid with her fine / egges : 
 In good faith fir it is a ftiame for you, that at your 
 comming home, when all the whole houfe fhould 
 be glad thereof, that you fhould contrariwife put 
 it thus out of quiet. Saith he, is it I that makes 
 this flirre? Then is the whole houftiold againfl: 
 him, when he feeing him felfe thus baited on all 
 fides, and the match fo vnequall, gets him to bed 
 quietly without his fupper, all wet and durtie, or 
 if he do fup he hath but thin fare : and being in 
 bed, where he fhould take his refl, he is fo dis- 
 quieted with the children, whome the nurfe and his 
 wife doth on purpofe fet on crying, to anger him 
 the more, that for his life he cannot fleepe one 
 winke. Thus is he vexed with continuall troubles, 
 wherewith he feemes to be well pleafed, and would 
 not though he might be free from them, but doth 
 therein fpend his miferable and vnhappie life. 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 The humour of a woman that maries her inferior 
 by birth. 
 
 A Woman is inclined to another kind of humour, 
 which is when the hufband hath bene mar- 
 ried, and hath pafTed fo many troubles, that he is 
 
igS THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 wearied therewith ; his lufty youthful! bloud growne 
 cold, is matched with a wife of better birth then 
 himfelfe, and perhaps yonger, both which things 
 are very dangerous ; and no wife man fhould feeke 
 his owne fpoile, by wrapping himfelfe in any of 
 thofe bonds, becaufe they are fo repugnant, that 
 it is both againft reafon & nature to accord them. 
 Sometimes they haue children, fometimes they haue 
 none, yet this notwithftanding, the wife can take no 
 paines, yet muft be mainteined according to her 
 degree, to the hufbands exceeding charges : for 
 the furhifliing whereof, the poore man is forced to 
 take extreame toile and paines, and yet for all 
 this, thanks God, for vouchfafing him fo great a 
 grace, as to be matcht with her. If now and then 
 they grow to hot words together (as oft it happens) 
 then prefently in vpbrading and mena/cing fort 
 ftie tels him, that her friends did not match her 
 to him to be his drudge, and that fhe knowes well 
 enough of what linage fhe is come, and will brag 
 withall, that when fhee lift to write to her friends 
 & kinfmen they will prefently fetch her away. 
 Thus doth fhe keepe him in awe, an^ in a kind 
 of feruitude, by telling him of them, who would 
 perhaps haue matcht her better, & not with him, 
 but for fome priuy fcape that fhe hath had before, 
 whereof the poore foule knowes nothing, or if 
 perhaps he hath heard feme inkling therof, yet 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 199 
 
 becaufe he is fimple, the credit that he might giue 
 thereto is quickly dafht, by a contrary tale of others 
 fubbornd by them, who perchance will not fticke to 
 fweare that this is a flaunder raifed by euill toongs, 
 & forged malitioufly againll her, as the like is 
 done againft many other good women ; whofe good 
 names are wronged, & brought in queftio by bad 
 perfons on their tipling bench, becaufe themfelues 
 cannot obtaine their purpofe of them : notwith- 
 ftanding if her hufband be not able to maintaine 
 her according to her mind, then will fhe be fure 
 to haue a friend in ftore, that fhall afford it her 
 if her hufband deny it : and in y end fhe remembers 
 that fuch a gentleman at fuch a feafl proffered her 
 a diamond, or fent her by a meffenger fome 20. 
 or thirtie crownes, which fhe as then refufed, but 
 now purpofeth to giue him a kind glance, to renew 
 his affedtio, who conceiuing fome better hope, and 
 meeting foone after with her chambermaid, as fhe 
 is going about fome bufines, cals to her, faying ; 
 Sifler, I would faine fpeake with you. Sir (quoth 
 flie) fay what you pleafe. You know (quoth he) 
 that I haue long loued your miflres, without ob- 
 taining any fauour : but tell me I pray you, did 
 fhe neuer fpeake of me in your hearing ? In faith 
 fir (faith fhe) neuer but well : I dare fweare fhe 
 wifhes you no harme. Before God fifter (faith the 
 Gentleman) if you will fhew mee fome kindnes 
 
200 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 herein, and do my commendations to your Miftres, 
 afTuring her of my loue and loyaltie, it fhall bee 
 worth a new gowne vnto you, meane while take 
 this in earneft: with that he offers her a peece 
 of gold : She then making a lowe curfie, fayth : 
 Sir, I thanke you for your good / will, but I will 
 not take it. By my faith faith he but you fhall ; 
 and with that he forced it on her, adding thefe 
 wordes : I pray you let me heare from you to 
 morrow morning. She being glad of fuch a bootie, 
 hyes her home, and tels her miftris how fhe met 
 with a Gentleman that was in a pafEng good vaine: 
 and to be fhort, after fome queftions vfed by her 
 mifbres, it appeares to be the very fame man whom 
 fhe would faine intrap. I tell thee (faith fhe to 
 her mayd) if he be as kind as he is proper, he 
 were worthy to be any womans loue. Beleeue me 
 Miflris (faith the maid) his very countenance 
 A maid fit for fhewes that he is kind, it feemes that he 
 suchamistres.^^g onely made for loue, and withall 
 he is wealthie, and thereby able to maintaine her 
 beautiej and her perfon in brauerie whom he 
 afFeds. By this light (faith the miftres) I can get 
 nothing of my hufband. The more vnwife you, 
 (faith the mayd) to be fo vfed. Alas quoth fhe, 
 what fhould I do ? I haue had him fo long, that 
 I cannot now fet my heart on any other. Tufh 
 (quoth the mayd) it is a folly for any woman to 
 
TUE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 201 
 
 fet her heart fo on any man, for you know they 
 care not how they vfe vs when they are once 
 Lords ouer vs, Befide, your hufband though hee 
 'wouldj yet cannot mainetaine and keepe you ac- 
 cording to your degree : but he of whom I fpake 
 will furnifli and maintaine you gallantly, what gar- 
 ments foeuer you will haue : and what colour and 
 fafhion fo euer you like beft, you fhall prefently 
 haue itj fo that there wants nothing elfe, faue 
 only a quaint excufe to my Maifter, making him 
 beleeue you had it by fome other meanes. By my 
 troth (quoth the Miftres) I know not what to fay. 
 Well Miftres (faith the maid) aduife you well, I 
 haue promifed to giue him an anfwere to morrow 
 morning. Alas (faith the other) what fhall we do .? 
 Tufh Miftres (anfwers the maid) let me alone : 
 As I go to morrow to the market, I am fure he 
 will watch to meete with me, that he may know 
 what newes: then I will tell him that you will 
 not agree to his defire for feare of difcredit : this 
 will giue him a little hope, and fo we fhall fall into 
 further talke, and I doubt not but to handle the 
 matter well enough. According to promife / next 
 morning to market fhe hies, fomewhat more earely 
 then fhe was wont, and by the way fhe meetes 
 with this luftie gallant, who hath waited for her 
 at leaft three houres : hee hath no fooner fpyed her, 
 but he prefently makes towards her, and at her 
 
202 THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 comming, thus falutes her : Sifter, good morrow, 
 what newes I pray, and how doth your faire 
 miftrefle? I-faith fir (faith fhee) fhe is at home 
 very penfiue, and out of patience ; I thinke that 
 neuer any woman had fuch a frowarde hufband. 
 Ah villaine (faith he) the diuell take him. Amen 
 (faith the maide) for both my miftrefle and all the 
 feruants are wearie with tarying with him. Out 
 on him flaue (faith hee); but I pray you tell me 
 what anfwere gaue your miftres touching my fute ? 
 In faith (quoth ftie) I fpake vnto her, but ftiee 
 woulde not agree thereunto, for ftie is wonderfully 
 afraid to purchafe her felfe difcredit, & is befide 
 plagued with fuch a froward and fufpicious hus- 
 band, that although fliee were neuer fo willing, yet 
 could flie not, being continually watcht by him, his 
 mother & brethren. I thinke on my confcience 
 vnlefle that it were that fhe fpoke to you the other 
 day, the poore woman talkt not with any man 
 thefe four months, yet fhee fpeakes very often of 
 you, and I am well afl*ured that if ftie would bend 
 her mind to loue, ftie would choofe you before all 
 men in the world. He being rauiftied with thefe 
 words, replies thus : Sweete fifter, I pray you be 
 my friend herein, and I will alwaies reft at your 
 commaund. In good faith (faith fhe) I haue done 
 more for you already then euer I did for any man 
 in my life. And thinke not (faith he) that I will 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 203 
 
 be vnmindfuU of your kindnep ; but what would 
 you counfell me to do ? I-faith fir (faith (he) I 
 thinke it beft that you fhould fpeake with her 
 your felfe ; and now you haue an excellent oppor- 
 tunitiCj for my maifter hath refufed to giue her a 
 new gowne ; whereat fhe ftormes not a little : you 
 fliall doe well therefore to be to morrow at the 
 Church, & there falute her, telling her boldly your 
 defire : you may alfo offer her what you thinke 
 good, but I know fhe will take nothing : mary fhe 
 wUl thinke the better of you, knowing thereby 
 your franke & boutiful nature. Oh (faith' he) I 
 would fhe would gladly take that, / which I would 
 gladly beftowe on her. Nay, anfwers the maid, 
 I know fhe will not, for you neuer knewe a more 
 honeft woman : but lie tell ye how yee may doe 
 it afterwards : Looke what ye purpofe to bellow 
 on her, you fhall deliuer vnto mee ; I will doe my 
 befl to perfwade her to take it, but I cannot afTure 
 you that I fhaU preuaile. Surely fifter (faith he) 
 this is very good, counfell : herewithall they part, 
 and fhee returnes home, laughing to her felfe, which 
 her miftres feeing, demands of her the caufe therof. 
 Mary (faith the maid) this lufly gentleman is all 
 on fire, tomorrow he will be at Church, purpofing 
 there to fpeake with you : now muft you demeane 
 your felfe wifely, and make very ftrange of it, but 
 ftand not off too muchleaft you difmay him cleane: 
 
204 THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 as you wil not wh^^lly graunt, fo muft you feede 
 him with fome hope. SheCj hauing her leflbti thus 
 taught her by her maide, gets her vp betimes the 
 next morning, and to the Church fhee goes, where 
 this amorous gallat hath awaited for her comming 
 euer fince foure a clock. She being fet in her 
 pew, makes fhew as if (he was deuoutly at her 
 prayers, when (God wot) her deuotibn is bent to 
 the feruice of, another Saint : it were worth the 
 noting to fee how like an image fliee fits : and yet 
 for all her demurenes, fhe applies all her fiue 
 fenfes, & that full zealoufly, in this new humor 
 of religion. To bee fhort, hee fteales vnto her, 
 fneaking vnto her, from the belfrey vnto hef pew, 
 and beeing come, greetes her after the amorous 
 order, and from greeting, he fals to courting; 
 wherto fhe doth in no wife yeeld confent, neither 
 will fhee take ought that he oiFers, yet anfwers 
 him after fuch a fort, that he doth thereby aflliredly 
 gather that ihee loues him, and fticks only for fear 
 of difcredit : whereat he is not a little iocond, & 
 hauing fpent his time to fo good purpofe, he takes 
 his leaue, & Ihe hafting home to her counfeller, 
 acquaints her what hath pafTed between them, 
 who thereupon takes occafion to fay thus: 
 Miftrefle, I know well that now he longs to fpeake 
 with me, but at our meeting I will tell him that 
 you will yeelde to nothing ; for which I will faine 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 205 
 
 my felfe very fory : & I wil adde withal, that my 
 mafter hath gone out of towne, and will appoint 
 him / to come hither towards the euening, with 
 promife that I will let him in, and conuey him 
 fo fecretly into your chamber, that you fliall know 
 nothing thereof: At what time you muft feeme 
 to be highly offended, and if you be wife, you 
 will make him buy his pleafure with fome coft, 
 which will caufe him to efteeme the more of you : 
 tell him that you will cry out, and then do you 
 call me : by handling him thus, I can afTure you, 
 that you fhall get more of him, then if you had 
 yeelded at the firft. All this while I will haue in 
 my keeping that which hee will giue you, for hee 
 hath appointed to deliuer it me to morrowe, and 
 I will make him belieue, that you woulde by no 
 meanes take it. But when the matter is brought 
 to this pafle, then wil I make fhew to offer you 
 his gift before him, telling you, that he is willing 
 to beflow it on you, to buy you a gowne withall ; 
 then mufl you chide, and feeme to be angry with 
 mee for receiuing it, charging me to deliuer it 
 back againe to him ; but bee fure I will lay it 
 vp fafe enough. Well deuifed wench (faith the 
 miftres) I am content it fhall be fo. This plot 
 being thus laide, the craftie wench goes prefently 
 to finde out this ioUy gallant, whofe firfl word is. 
 What newes .? Now in good faith fir (faith fhe) 
 
2o6 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 the matter is no further forward then if it were 
 yet to begin, yet becaufe I haue medled fo farre in 
 it, I wold be loth I fhould not bring it about, for 
 I feare that fhe will complaine of me to her hus- 
 band and friends, but if I could perfwade her 
 by any meanes to receiue your gifts, then out of 
 queftion the matter were difpatcht : and in good 
 faith ile try once more, I haue one good helpe, and 
 that is this : my maifter (as I tolde you before) 
 will not giue her a new gowne, at which vnkind- 
 nefle, fhee ftormes mightily. The hot louer 
 hearing this, giues her prefently twentie crownes 
 for her good will, whereupon fhee fpeakes 
 
 Betterthentwo ° j r ■ i /- t i 
 
 yeares wages, thus : In good faith fir, I knowe not 
 how it commeth to pafle, but fure I am, 
 I neuer did fo much for any man before as I 
 haue done herein for your fake, for if my maifter 
 fhoulde haue any inckling of it, I were vtterly 
 vndone : yet for you I will hazard a little / further: 
 I know ftie loues you wel, and as good hap is, my 
 maifter is not now in towne; if you therefore 
 will bee about the dores towards fix of y clock at 
 night, I will let you in, and fo conuey you fecretly 
 into my miftres Chamber ; who doth fleepe very 
 foundly : for you know fhe is but young : being 
 justasiarmasthere I could wifh you go to bed to her, 
 ''P^- and for the reft you neede not (I truft) 
 any tutor : I proteft that I know no other meanes 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQ^UET. 207 
 
 for the compaffing of this matter ; perhaps it will 
 fadge, for it is a great matter, when a louer &c his 
 miftrefle are both together naked & in the darke, 
 which doth help forward a womans conceipt to y 
 which in the day time perhaps fhe would hardly 
 graunt. O my fweet friend (quoth hee) for this 
 kindneffe my purfe ftiall be at thy command. To 
 be fliort, night comes, he is there according to 
 promife; whom ftiee ftraight conueyes into her 
 miftrefle chamber: then he prefently vnclothes 
 himfelf, and fteps foftly into her bed, and beeing 
 once in, hee begins to imbrace her : hereat ihe that 
 feemes till then afleepe, ftarts vp on a fodain & with 
 a fearful voice aflcs who is there ? It is I fweete 
 miftrefle (faith he) feare nothing. Ah- (quoth ftiee) 
 thinke you to preuaile thus ? no, no, and with that 
 fhee makes as though ftiee would rife, & cal her 
 maid, who anfwers not' a word : but alas for pittie 
 like an vndutifull feruant leaues her at her greateft 
 need : ftie therefore good woman feeing that ftie 
 is forfaken, faies with a figh, ah me, I am betraid : 
 then begin they a ftout battel, he vrging his ad- 
 vantage, ftiee faintly refifting, but alas what can a 
 naked woman doe againft a refolute louer ? there 
 is therefore no remedy but that at length (poore 
 foule) being out of breath with ftriuing ftie muft 
 needes yeeld to the ftronger : ftie would faine haue 
 cryed out (God wot) had it not beene for feare of 
 
208 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 difcredit, for therby her name might haue bin 
 
 brought in queftion ; therefore all things confidered, 
 
 fhe doth vnwillingly God knowes, let him fupply 
 
 her hufbands place, garni fhing his temples for pure 
 
 good will with ASieons badge. Thus hath fhe got a 
 
 new gowne, which her good man refufed to giue 
 
 her ; to bleare whofe eyes, & to keep him from 
 
 fufpition, flie gets her mother in her hufbands 
 
 fight to bring home the cloth & giue it her, / as 
 
 though it were her cofl : and leaft alfo fhee 
 
 fhould fufpe(3: any thing, fhe makes her beleeue 
 
 I Ifhe bought it with the money which fhee got by 
 
 Ifelling odde commodities which her hufbad knew 
 
 not of: But it may be, and oft happens fb, that 
 
 the mother is priuie to the whole matter, and a 
 
 furtherer thereof: after this gowne fhe mufl haue 
 
 another, and two or three filke imbrothered girdles, 
 
 and other fuch coftly knackes, which the hufband 
 
 feeing, wil in the end fmel fomewhat, & begin to 
 
 doubt of his wiues honefty, or fhal perhaps receiue 
 
 fome aduertifemet hereof from a friend or kinfman ; 
 
 for no fuch matter can be long kept clofe, but in 
 
 the end will by fome meanes or other be made 
 
 knowne and difcouered. Then fals hee into a 
 
 frantick vaine of lealoufie : watching his wiues 
 
 clofe packing: and for the better finding of it 
 
 out, hee comes home on a fodaine about midnight, 
 
 thinking then to difcouer all, and yet perhaps may 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 209 
 
 is purpofe. Another time comming in at 
 
 •es hee feeth fomething that he likes not, and 
 
 1 a furie falles on railing, but be fure that 
 
 fwers him home, not yeelding an inch vnto 
 
 3r befides the aduantage of the fight which is 
 
 by her owne truftie weapon (her tongue I 
 
 I fhe knowing withall that flie is of better j, 
 
 lits him in the teeth therwith, & threatens 
 
 tel her friends how hardly he doth vfe her. 
 
 ;e fhort, the poore man (hall neuer haue 
 
 ay with her, but either with thought of her 
 
 nece, or if he fpeake to her, he is borne 
 
 with fcolding lies, and defpifed of his owne 
 
 :s; his ftate runnes to ruine, his wealth | 
 
 , his body dryes vp, and weares away with 
 
 he growes defperate and carelefle : thus is 
 
 iged into Lobs pound, wearied in a world 
 
 ontents, wherein notwithftanding he takes 
 
 , hauing no defire to change his ftate, but 
 
 if he were out, and knewe what would 
 
 yet would he neuer reft till he had gotten 
 
 lie, there to fpend and end (as now he muft) 
 
 in griefe and miferie. • -/ 
 
 14 
 
210 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 CHAP. / VI. 
 
 the humor of a woman that flriues to 
 mafler her hujhand. 
 
 " I ""He next humor wherevnto a woman is ad- 
 difted, is, when y hufband hath got a faire 
 young wife, who is proper & fine, in whom he 
 takes great delight, yet perhaps fhe is bent alto- 
 gither to crofle, & thwart : y man being of a kind 
 & mild nature louing her intirely, & he maintaines 
 her as well as he can, notwithftanding her froward- 
 nes : It may be alfo that ihe hath care of his 
 credit and honefty, and doth abhorre fuch lewd- 
 nefle, as fhe of whome wee fpake before did vfe, 
 yet hath ftiee neuerthelefle an extreame defire of 
 foueraigntie (which is knowne a common fault 
 amongft women) and to be her hufbands com- 
 maunder, and a bufie medlar in his matters : be he 
 a ludge, a Nobleman, or Gentleman, fhee wil take 
 vpon her to giue fentence, and anfwere futers, and 
 whatfoeuer fhee doth hee mufl fland to it. This 
 is, I fay, a generall imperfeftion of women, bee . 
 they neuer fo honefl:, neuer fo kindly vfed, and 
 haue neuer fo much wealth and eafe, to flriue for 
 the breeches, and bee in odde contrarie humours, 
 of purpofe to keepe her hufband in continuall 
 thought and care how to pleafe her. Hee gets 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 2 1 1 
 
 him vp betimes in the morning leauing her in bed 
 to take her eafe, while he fturres about the houfe 
 and difpatcheth his bufinefle, lookes to the feruants 
 that they loyter not, caufeth dinner to be made 
 readie, the cloath to be laide, and when al thinges are 
 readie, he fends one to defire her to come downe, 
 who brings back anfwere that fhe is not difpofed 
 to dine. No (faith he?) I wil neither fit downe, 
 nor eate a bit till fhe be here. So receiuing his 
 fecond meflage by his maide, or perhaps by one of 
 his children, replyes thus : go tell him again y I 
 wil not dine to day. He hearing this, is not yet 
 fatisfied, but fends likewife the third time, and in 
 the end goes himfelfe, and thus begins. How 
 now, what ayles you wife, that you will eate no 
 meate ?/ hereto fhe anfweres not a word. The 
 poore man maruels to fee her in this melancholy 
 dumpe, (although perhaps fhe hath plaid this 
 pageant many times before) and vfeth all entreatie 
 he may, to know of her the caufe therof : but in 
 vaine, for indeed there is no caufe at all, but onely 
 a meere mockery : Sometimes fhe will perfifl fo 
 obflinately in this humor, that for all the perfwa- 
 fions and kindnefTe that he can vfe, fhee will not 
 come. Sometimes it may be fhe will, and then hee 
 mufl leade her by the hand like a bride, and fet 
 her chaire readie for her : meane while it is fo long 
 before he can get her down, that the meate is colde 
 
212 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 when it comes to the table. Being fet, flie will 
 not eate one bit, and hee feeing that (like a kinde 
 Afle) wil faft likewife : whereat fhee fmiles in- 
 wardly, hauing brought him fo to her bowe, firfl; 
 in crofling him, then in making him to faft from 
 dinner : wherein (to fay the truth) fhe hath reafon, 
 for what needs a woman to feeke his fauoure, who 
 doth alreadie loue her, and fhew her all the kindnes 
 that hee can. Sometimes the good man ryding 
 abroad about his bufinefle, meets with two or three 
 of his friends, with whom perhaps hee hath fome 
 dealings, and hath bene long acquainted with them : 
 It may be also that he inuites them home to his 
 houfe, as one friend will do to another, and fends 
 his man before to his wife to make all things ready 
 in y beft fort that fhe can for their entertainment : 
 the poore feruing man gallops in fuch haft, that 
 both himfelfe & his horfe is all on a fweate : when 
 he comes home hee doth his arrand to his miftres, 
 telling her withal that the guefts which his mafter 
 brings are men of good account. Now by my 
 faith (faith ftie) I wil not meddle in it, he thinks 
 belike that I haue nothing els to doe, but drudge 
 about to prepare banquets for his companions, 
 he fhould haue come himfelf w'' a vengeance, & 
 why did he not ? Forfooth (faith the feruant) I 
 know not, but thus he bad me tel you. Go too 
 (faith ftie) you are a knaue that medles in more 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 213 
 
 matters the you haue thank for. The poore 
 fellow hearing this holds his peace, fhee in a fume 
 flings vp into her chamber, and which is worfe, 
 fendes out her feruantes, fome one way, fome 
 another : as for her maydes, they haue their / leflbn 
 taught them well enough, knowing by cuftome 
 how to behaue themfelues to wearie their maifter : 
 well, hee comes home to his aforefaid friends, cals 
 prefently for fome of his feruants : but one of the 
 maides make anfwere, of whome he demaunds 
 whether all things bee readie : In good faith fir 
 my miftres is verie fick, & here is no 
 body els can do any thing : with that he aquavUae 
 being angry, leads his friends into the 
 hall, or fome other place according to his eflate, 
 where hee findes neither fire made, nor cloath laide. 
 ludge then in what a taking he is, although it may 
 be that his friendes perceiued by the fending of 
 his man, that his commaundements were not of 
 fuch force as an adt of parliament. The good man 
 being afhamed cals and gapes, firfl: for one man 
 then for another, & yet for all this there comes 
 none, except it bee the fcullion or fome chare 
 woman, that doth vfe his houfe, whome his wife 
 hath left there of purpofe, becaufe fhee knewe they 
 could ferue to doe nothing. Being herewith not a 
 little mooued, vp hee goes into his wiues chamber, 
 and thus fpeakes vnto her. Gods precious woman, 
 
214 THE BATCHELARS BANQ.UET. 
 
 why haue ye not done as I wild ye ? Why (faith 
 fhee) you appoint fo many things to be done that 
 I know not what to doe. Before God (faith hee) 
 & with that fcratches his head, you haue done mee 
 a greater difpleafure then you think : thefe are 
 the deareft friends that I haue, and now here is 
 nothing to fet before them. Why (quoth fhee) 
 what would you haue me to doe ? I wis if you 
 caft your cards well, you ftiall finde that we haue 
 no neede to make banquets : I would to God you 
 were wifer, but fith you will needes bee fo lufty, 
 euen goe through with it your felfe on Gods name, 
 for He not meddle with it. But what the diuell 
 ment ye (faith he) to fende all the feruants abroad ? 
 Why (quoth flie) what did I know that you fhould 
 neede them now : yet did fhee know it well enough, 
 and had of purpofe fent them forth on fleeueleffe 
 arrands, the more to anger and defpight him : who 
 feeing that he can preuaile nothing, giues ouer 
 talking to her, and gets him downe in a bitter 
 chafe : for it may bee that his guefles bee of fuch 
 account, and he fo much beholding vnto them, 
 that he had rather haue / fpent a hundred crownes 
 then it ftiould fo haue fallen out. But fhe cares 
 not a whit, being well affured that howfoeuer fhe 
 thwarts him, hee will hold his hands, and in fcold- 
 ing fhe knowes her felfe to be the better. To 
 bee fhort, the poore man being vexed, with fhame 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 2 15 
 
 and anger, runnes vp and dovs^ne the houfe, gets 
 
 as many of his feruants together as hee can : If 
 
 his prouifion be but flender at home, hee fends 
 
 prefently abroad ; in the meane while he calles for 
 
 a cleane towell, the beft table cloath, and wrought 
 
 napkins. But the maid anfwers him that he can 
 
 haue none. Then vp to his wife goes hee againe, 
 
 and tels her that his friends doe intreat her to 
 
 come downe and beare them companie, fhewing 
 
 her what a fhame it is, and how difcourteoufly they 
 
 will take it if flie come not : And finally he vfeth 
 
 all the faireft fpeeches that he can to haue her 
 
 come, and to welcome and entertaine them for his 
 
 credits fake. Nay in faith (quoth flie) I will not 
 
 come, they are too great ftates for my companie, - 
 
 and no doubt they would fcorne a poore woman ( 
 
 as I am : It may bee fhee will goe, but in fuch 
 
 fort, and with fuch a countenance, that it had beene 
 
 better for him flie had not come at all, for his 
 
 friends will fomewhat perceiue by her lookes and 
 
 gefture, that howfoeuer they be welcome to the 
 
 good-man, flie had rather haue their roome then 
 
 their company. But if flie refufe to come (as it is 
 
 the more likely) then will he aflce her for the beft 
 
 towell, table-cloth and napkins. Napkins (quoth 
 
 flie) as though thofe that be abroad alreadie be not 
 
 good enough for greater and better men then they 
 
 are : when my brother or any of my kinfmen come. 
 
2 16 THE BA TCHELARS BANQ_ UET. 
 
 which are I wis their equals in euery refpedt, they 
 can be content to be ferued with them : but were 
 thefe your gueftes neuer fo great, yet could I not 
 now fulfill your requeft, though my life fliould lie 
 on it : fopfmce morning I haue loft my keyes of 
 1/ the great theft where all the linnen lies: 
 
 Oh Iyer, Iyer. ° ..,, -iiir l 
 
 I pray you bid the maid looke ror tnem, 
 for in good truth I know not what I haue done 
 with them, and no maruell, for I haue fo much to 
 doe, that I know not how to beftur my felfe : well 
 I wote, I haue fpoyled my felfe with continuall 
 care and trouble. 
 
 Now in good faith (quoth he) you haue dreft 
 me fairely, but it is no matter : Before God ile 
 breake open the cheft. Now furely then (quoth 
 ftie) you ftiall doe a great aft, I would faine fee 
 you doe it, I would for my part you would breake 
 all the cheftes in the houfe. The poore man 
 hearing her in thefe termes, knowes not well. what 
 to doe, but takes that which he next lightes on, 
 and therefore ftiifts as well as he can : he caufeth 
 his gueftes to fit downe at the table, and becaufe 
 the beere then a broach is on tilt, & therefore not 
 verie good, he bids one of the feruants broach a 
 new barrell, & fil fome frefti drinke, but then there 
 is neither tap nor fpigget to bee found, for his 
 wife of purpofe hath hidden them out of the 
 way. Towards the end of the dinner, he cals for 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 2 1 7 
 
 cheefe, and fruite, but there is none in the houfe, 
 fo that he is faine to fend to the neighbours for 
 the fame, or elfe be vtterly deftitute : meane 
 while his boy being at the table with the gueftes' 
 [feruants], at laft tels them how his miftreffe faines 
 'her felfe ficke, becaufe fhe is not pleafed with their 
 mafters coming. Wei, when bed time comes, he 
 can get no clean fheetes, nor pillow-beers, becaufe 
 forfooth the keyes are loft, fo that they muft be 
 content to lie in thofe that be foule, and haue 
 bene long layne in. The next morning they get 
 them gone betimes, feeing by the good wiues 
 countenance that they are nothing welcome. By 
 the way their lackies tell them what the Gentle- 
 mans boy reported ; wherat they laughe hartily, 
 yet find themfelues agreeued, vowing neuer to 
 be his gueft any more. The hufband alfo, 
 getting him vp betimes in the morning, goes 
 prefently to his wife, and thus he begins : By 
 lefus wife, I mufe what you meane to vfe me 
 thus. I know not how to Hue with you. Then 
 fhe replies faying : Now God for his mercie, 
 am I fo troublefome ? God wot I am euery day 
 (poor foule) trobled with keeping your hogs, 
 your geefe, your chickens ; I muft card, I muftis 
 fpin, and continually keepe the houfe, looke to 
 the feruants, & neuer fit ftil, but toyling vp Sc 
 downe to fhorten my dales, and make me die 
 
2i8 THE BA2CHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 before my time, and yet I cannot haue one howers 
 reft, or quietnes with you, but you are alwaies 
 brawling, & do nothing your felfe, but fpend & 
 waft your goods and / mine with odde com- 
 panions. What odde companions (faith he ?) 
 as though you know not that thefe are fuch men, 
 as can either much further, or much hinder me. 
 It is a figne that you deale very well, that you 
 muft ftand in diftruft of fuch perfons. Here- 
 vpon fhe takes occafion to rayle & fcolde all 
 the day long, the man being wearied with her 
 wawardnefTe; & age (being hafted with griefe 
 & forrow) doth vnawares ouertake him. Briefly 
 he is in euery refpe<5t wretched: but fuch is 
 his folly, that he reckons his paines pleafures, 
 and would not though he might be againe at 
 liberty, outof Lobs pound, or if he would it 
 is now too late, for he muft of force cotinue 
 there in care, thought and mifery, til death make 
 an end of him and them together. 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 'The humor of a couetous minded 
 woman. 
 
 THe next humor belonging to a woman, is, 
 when the huftiand is matched to a modeft 
 ciuil woma, who is nothing giuen to that thwarting 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUEl. 219 
 
 & croffing humor whereof I fpake laft. But be 
 fhe good or bad, this is a general! rule many 
 wiues hold and ftedfaftly beleeue, that their owne 
 hufbands are the worfl: of al others. It oft 
 happens that when they match together they 
 are both young, and entertaine each other with 
 mutuall delights, fo much as may be, for a yeare 
 or two, or longer, til the vigor of youth grow 
 cold. But J woman droopes not fo foone as 
 ^ man, the reafon whereof is, becaufe fhee takes 
 no care, thought and griefe, breakes not her 
 fleepe, and trobles not her head as he doth, but 
 doth wholly addidt her thoughtes to pleafure apd 
 folace. I deny not that when a woman is with 
 child, fhe hides many times great paines, and 
 is oft verie ill at eafe, and at the time of her 
 deliuerance, fhe is for the moft part, not onely 
 in exceeding paine, but alfo in no lefTe daunger of 
 death : But all this is nothing to the hufbands 
 troubles, on whofe hands alone refles the whole 
 charge, and waight of main / taining the houfe, 
 and difpatching all matters ; which is oftentimes 
 intangled fo with controuerfie, and fo thwarted 
 with crolTe fortune, that the poore man is tor- 
 mented with all vexation of mind : Beeing thus 
 wearied, and as it were worne away with con- 
 tinual! griefe, troublous cogitations, toyle and 
 trauell, [he can] haue no mind on any other plea- 
 
220 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 fure : whereas fliee on the other fide is as luftie as 
 euer fhee was : meane while his ftock decayes, and 
 his ftate growes worfe and worfe: and as that 
 diminifheth, fo muft hee perforce ftiorten her 
 allowance, & maintenance, which is almoft as 
 great a corfiue to her, as the former. You may 
 be well affured, that this change in him makes 
 her alfo change her countenance : fro mirth 
 and chearefulnes to lowring melancholie, feeking 
 occafioiis of difagreements, & [to] vfe them in fuch 
 fort, that their former loue & kindnes was not 
 fo great, as are now their bfauls, iarres, & dis- 
 cordes. It doth alfo oftentimes happen, that 
 the woma by this means waftes and confumes all, 
 giuing lewdly away her hufbands goods, which 
 he with great paines & cares hath gotten. The 
 good man he goes euery way as neere as he can, 
 and warilie containes him felfe within his bounds, 
 cafting vp what his yearely reuenues are, or what 
 his gaine is by his profeffion, be it merchandize 
 or other, & then what his expenfes be ; which 
 finding greater then his comming in, he begins 
 to bite the lip & becomes very penfiue : his wife 
 & he being afterward priiiate together in their 
 chamber, hee fpeakes thereof vnto her in this 
 manner : In faith wife, I maruell much how it 
 comes to pafle that our goods goe away thus, 
 I know not how : I am fure I am as carefull as 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 221 
 
 a man can be, I can not finde in my heart to 
 beftow a new coate on my felfe, and all to faue 
 mony. By my troth hufband (faith flie) I do 
 as much maruell at it as you : I am fure for my 
 owne part, that I goe as neere in houfekeeping 
 euery way as I can. To bee fliort, the poore 
 man not doubting his wife, nor fufpedting her ill 
 cariage, after long care and thought concludes, 
 that the caufe thereof is his owne ill fortune, 
 which keepes him downe, & crofleth all his 
 ad:ions with contrary fuccefle, but it may bee 
 that in procefTe of time fome friend / of his being 
 more cleare-fighted in the matter, perceiuing all 
 goes not wel, doth priuily informe him therof; 
 who being aftoniflied at his report, gets him home 
 with a heauie countenance : which the wife feeing, 
 & knowing herfelf guiltie, begins prefently to 
 doubt y- worft, & perhaps guefleth fhrewdly at 
 the authors thereof; but howfoeuer, fhe will take 
 fuch an order, that fhe will be fure to efcape the 
 brunt well enough. The good man will not 
 prefently make any words hereof vnto her, but 
 defer it awhile, and try in the meane time, 
 whether he can of himfelfe gather any further 
 likelyhood, for which purpofe he will tell her, 
 that he muft needes ride fome ten or twelue miles 
 out of towne, about fome earneft bufines. Good 
 faith hufband (faith fhe) I had rather you fhould 
 
222 THE BA TCHELA RS- BA KTQ UET. 
 
 fend your man, and ftay at home your felfe. Not 
 fo wife (faith he) but I' will be at home againe 
 my felfe within thefe three or foure dayes, 
 Hauing told her this tale, hee makes as though 
 hee tooke his iourney, but doth priuilie lye in 
 ambufh in fuch a place, where hee may know 
 whatfoeuer is done in the houfe : but fhee 
 fmelling his drift fends word to her fweet heart, 
 that he do riot come in any cafe, and all the time 
 of his diflembled abfence, fhe carries her felfe 
 that it giues no likelyhood of fufpition : which 
 the filly ma feeing, comes out of his ambufh, 
 enters his houfe, making as if then he were re- 
 turned from his joufney : and whereas before he 
 lowred, now he fhewes a cheereful countenance, 
 beeing verily perfwaded, that his friends report 
 is a meere lye ; and that he thinks fb much the 
 rather, becaufe Ihe doth at his comming run to 
 meet him, with fuch fhewe of loue, & doth fo 
 irabrace and kifle him, that it feemes impoflible 
 fo kind a creature fliould play falfe : but long 
 after being in bed together, he thus fpeaks to 
 her : Wife, I haue heard certaine words that like 
 mee not. Good faith hufband (faith fhee) I 
 know _ not what is the caufe thereof: I haue 
 noted, this great while, that you haue bene very 
 penfiue, and was afraid that you had had fome 
 great lofTe, or that fome of your friends had bene 
 
THE BA TCHELA RS BA NQ UET. 2 23 
 
 kild, or taken by the Spanyards. No (faith he) ' 
 that is not the matter, but a thing which greeues 
 me more then any fuch matter can do. Now, 
 God for his / mercy (quoth fhe) I pray you 
 hufband let me know what it is. Mary wife 
 (faith he) a friend of mine told me that you 
 kept company with R. R. the verieft ruffen in all 
 the towne, & a many other matters he told me 
 of you. Hereat fhe crofling her felfe in token of 
 admiration (though fmiling inwardly) replies thus; 
 Deere hulband if this be all, then I pray you giue 
 ouer your penfiuenes : I would to God I were as 
 free from all other fins, as I am from that : then 
 laying one hand on her head, flie thus proceeds, I 
 will not fweare any thing touching him, but I 
 would the deuil had all that is vnder my hand, if 
 I euer touched any mans mouth fauing yours, or 
 fome of our friends & kinfmen, or fuch at leaft as 
 you haue commanded me. Ha, ha, is this the 
 matter ? In troth I am glad you haue told me, I 
 had verily thought it had bin fome greater matter, 
 but I know wel enough whereupon thefe fpeeches 
 grew, & I would that you did likewife know, what 
 moued him to fpeak the ; I know you would not 
 a little maruel, becaufe he hath alwaies oh braue dis- 
 profeffed fuch friedfhip towards you. In =^'""^'^- 
 good faith I am nothing fory y he hath awaked 
 the fleeping dog. What mean you by that word 
 
2 24 THE BA TCHELA RS BANQ UET. 
 
 (quoth he?) - Nay (quoth fhe) be not defirous to 
 know it, you ftiall know it foone enough fome 
 other time. Birlady (faith he) ile know it now. 
 By my troth hufljand (faith ihe) I was oft wonder- 
 fully angry whe you brought him in hither, yet I 
 forbare to fpeake of it, becaufe I faw you loued 
 him fo well. But fpeake now (faith he) and tell 
 me what y matter is ? Nay nay (quoth flie) it 
 fkils not greatly. Go to wife (faith the good man) 
 Almost as bad tel me, for I will know it. Then takes 
 as iudaskisses.fl,g y^^^ ^b^yj. jjjg ^^^:^ ^ fweetly kiffing 
 
 him, faith thus : Ah my deere hufband, what 
 villaines are thefe y would feeme to abufe you, 
 whom I honor & loue aboue al me in ithe world. 
 The diuei take Wei wife (faith he) I pray thee tell me 
 the Iyer. ^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^ mifvfeth VS. In troth 
 
 (quoth fhe) that vile diflembling traitor, that 
 flattering tell tale, that put this bad report in your 
 eares, whom you efteeme fo much, repofing fuch 
 great cofidece in him, he is the man, & none but 
 he that hath earneflly vrged me any time thefe two 
 years to comit folly with him ; but God, I praife 
 him hath giuen me grace both to refufe him, and 
 his offers, / although I were continually troubled 
 and importuned by him : I wis when you thought 
 hee came hither fo often for your fake, it was for 
 this caufe ; for neuer a time that hee came, but he 
 was in hand with me to obtaine his filthy defire, 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 225 
 
 till in the end I threatned to tell you of it, but I 
 was loath to doe it, fearing to breede a quarrell 
 betweene you, fo long as I was fure tOThusisheboard 
 keepe him from doing you herein any ^ose^^jth^ 
 iniurie : befide I had ftill a good hope, '="^'^'"- 
 that he would at length giue ouer : I wis it was 
 no fault of his that he fped not. Gods for my life 
 (faith the good man) being in a great rage, what 
 a treacherous villaine is this? I would neuer haue 
 fufpeded any fuch matter in him, for I durft 
 haue put my life in his hands. By this light, 
 hufband (faith flie) if euer hee come more within 
 the doores, or if euer I may know that you 
 haue any talke with him, ile keepe houfe no 
 longer with you. Ah deere hufband, (and with 
 that fhee clips and cols him againe about^.^ ^j^^^ ^^ ^^^ 
 the neck.) fhould I bee fo difloyall as \_o^^^^'°f^- 
 
 ' / ■' Zing on a dead 
 
 abufe him in this fort? fo fweete, fo '=^"'°"- 
 amiable, and fo kinde a man, who lets mee haue 
 my will in all things .'' God forbid I fhould liue 
 fo long to become a ftrumpet now. But for Gods 
 fake hufband forbid him your houfe with whome 
 this knaue hath flaundred mee withall ; yet I would 
 the deuill had mee if euer hee made fuch motion 
 to mee, neuertheleffe by Gods grace hee fhall not 
 come henceforth in any place wheere I 
 am: and with that fhee beginnes to ' 
 weepe, and hee (kind foole) doth appeafe and 
 D. I. 15 
 
226 THE BA TCHELA RS BANQ UE2. 
 
 comfort her, promifing and {wearing, that hee will 
 doe as fhee will haue him, faue onely that hee will 
 not forbid him his houfe, with whofe companie 
 *the other had charged her, and withall he vowes 
 neuer to beleeue any more of thefe reportes, nor 
 fo much as to harken to any fuch tales againe, 
 notwithftanding hee ftill feeles a fcruple of fufpi- 
 tion in his confcience : Within a while hee begins 
 to fall at defiance with his honeft friende, who 
 informed him of his wiues wantonnefle, and hee 
 feemes to bee fo deepely befotted with her loue, 
 that you woulde fay hee were transformed without 
 inchauntment, into ASleons fhape : his / charge of 
 houlhold ftill increafeth, he hath many children, 
 and is perplexed on euery fide : but his wife 
 foUowes her pleafure farre more then before, for 
 though it be neuer fo openly knowne. 
 
 Great reason. " \ ' 
 
 yet will no man tell him thereof, becauie 
 they know that he will not beleeue them (and 
 which is more ridiculous) he that abufeth him 
 moft, fliall be beft welcome vnto him of any. To 
 be ftiort, age will ouertake him, and perhaps 
 pouertie, from the which he fhall neuer be able 
 to raife himfelfe. Loe here the great good and 
 pleafiare, that he hath gotten by entring into Lobs 
 pound: euery man mockes him, fome faith it is 
 pitty becaufe he is an honeft man: others fay it 
 is not a matter to be forrowed for, fith it is the 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 227 
 
 common rule of fuch. They of the better fort 
 will fcorne his company : thus liues he in paine, 
 griefe and difgrace, which he takes for great 
 pleafure, and therin wil continue till death cut 
 him ofF. 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 The humor of a woman that fiill deftres to 
 
 he gadding abroad. 
 
 npHE next humor of a woman, is, when the 
 
 ■*- hufband hath bene in Lobs pound forae ^ 
 fiue or fix yeares, part whereof he hath fpent in 
 fuch pleafures as wedlock doth at the firfl aiFoord ; 
 but now the date of thefe delights is out, he hath 
 perhaps fome three or foure children, but his wife 
 is now big againe, and a great deale worfe of this 
 child then fhe was of any other. Whereat the 
 poore man greeues not a little, who takes great 
 paines to get her that which fhe longs for : well, 
 the time of her lying downe drawes neere, & fhe 
 is wonderfully out of temper, fo that it is greatly 
 feared that fhe will hardly efcape. The fals he 
 on his knees & praies deuoutly for his wife, who 
 foone after is brought to bed : wherefore he is not 
 a little Jocund, making fure account that God hath 
 hard his praiers. The goffips, kinfwomen, and 
 neighbours, come in troupes to vifit and reioyce 
 
228 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 for her fafe deliuery. She for her part wants no 
 good cherifhing, whereby fhe recouers her ftrength, 
 and is as frefti and lufty as euer fhe was. 
 
 After / her churching, fhe inuites fome of her 
 neighbours who alfo inuite fiue or fix others of 
 her neighbors and friends, who are receiued & 
 feafled with al kindnes ; which banquet doth 
 perhaps cofl her hufband more then would haue 
 kept the houfe a whole fortnight : Amongfl other 
 fhe propounds a queflion, & makes a match to 
 goe altogither to a certaine Faire which will be 
 within ten dales at fuch a place : to the which 
 place they fhall haue a mofl braue and pleafant 
 iorney by reafbn of the faire weather, for they wil 
 alwaies conclude fuch an agreement in fome of the 
 befl feafons of the yeare ; & fhe takes vpon her to 
 make this motion chiefly in regard of her goffip 
 which was lately brought abed, that fhe may after 
 her long pain and trauaile fomewhat recreate & 
 refrefh her felfe. But fhe anfwers her with thanks 
 for her good will, faying fhe knowes not how to 
 get leaue of her hufband. "What (faith the other) 
 that is the leaft matter of a thoufand. Tufh 
 goffip (faith another) ftand not on that, we will 
 all goe and be merry, and we will haue with vs 
 my goflip G. T. my cofin H. S. though perhaps 
 hee be nothing kind to her : but this is their 
 ordinary phrafe, & they vndertake this iourney, 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 229 
 
 becaufe they cannot fo wel obtaine their pur- 
 pofes at home, being too neere their hufbands 
 nofes. After this agreement, home ftie comes 
 with a heauie countenance : the good man alketh 
 what Ihe aileth? Marry quoth flie, the child is 
 very ill at eafe (though he were neuer in better 
 health fince he was borne) his flefh burnes as 
 though it were fire, and as the nurfe tels me, hee 
 hath refufed the dugge thefe two daies, although 
 Ihe durft not fay fo much till now. He hearing 
 this, and thinking it true, is not a little fory, 
 goes preletly to fee his child & weepes for pitty. 
 Well, night comes, to bed they goe, & then fhe 
 fetching a figh, begins thus : Hufband, I fee you 
 haue forgotten me. How meane you that faith 
 he ? Mary (quoth fhe) do you not remember that 
 when I was in childbed you faid, . that if it pleafed 
 God that I efcaped, I fhould' goe to fuch a Fayre 
 with my goffips & neighbours to make merry, & 
 cheere vp my felf, but now I heare you not talk 
 of it. In troth wife (faith he) my head is troubled 
 with fo many matters, and fuch a deale of bufmes, 
 that I haue no leafure to thinke on any thing els : 
 but there / is no time pafl yet, the faire wil not 
 be this fortnight. By my truth (quoth fhe) I fhal 
 not be well vnles I goe. Wel wife (faith he), 
 content your felfe, for if I can by any meanes get 
 fo much money ye fhall goe : you know it is not 
 
230 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 little that we fhall fpend there : yea more I wis 
 then will be my eafe to lay out. Good Chrift 
 (quoth ftie), is it now come to that ? You prdmift 
 me abfolutely without either ifs or ands: before 
 God I will goe whether you will or no : for there 
 goes my mother, my goffip T. my cofen B. and 
 my cofen R. and his wife. If you will not let me 
 goe with them, I know not with whome you will 
 let me goe. He, hearing her thus wilfuU, thinkes 
 it beft for his owne quietnes to let her goe, though 
 he ftraine his purfe fomwhat the more. The time 
 comes, he hyers horfes, buies her a new riding 
 gowne, 8z: doth furnifh her according to her minde : 
 peradveture there goes in their company a luftie 
 gallant, that will froUick it by the way on her 
 hufbands coft, for his purfe muft pay for all. It 
 may be he will goe him felfe, becaufe hee hath 
 neuer a man, or els cannot fpare him from his 
 worke. But then is the poore man notably per- 
 plexed, for fhee will of purpofe trouble him for 
 euery trifle, more then Ihe would doe to another, 
 becaufe it doth her good to make a drudge of him, 
 and fo much the rather, that he may not afterward 
 haue any defire to goe abroad with her againe : 
 fometimes her ftirrup is too long: fometimes too 
 fhort, and hee mufl flill light to make it fit : 
 fometimes fhe will weare her cloake, fometimes 
 not, and then he mufl cary it: then findes fhe 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 231 
 
 fault with her horfes trotting, which makes her 
 ficke, and then fhe will light & walke on foote, 
 leauing him to lead her horfes : within a while 
 after they come to a water, then muft hee be 
 troubled to helpe her vp againe : Sometimes fhe 
 can eate nothing that is in the Inne, then muft 
 hee being wearie all day with riding, trudge vp 
 and downe the towne to find fomething that will 
 fit her ftomack ; all which notwithftanding, fhe 
 will not be quiet : and not fhe onely, but her 
 goffips alfo, will be bobbing and quibbing him, 
 faying that he is not worthy to bee a womans 
 man; but he is fo inured to thefe Janglings that 
 he cares not for all their / words : Well at length 
 to the Faire they come, and then muft he play 
 the fquier in going before her, making fo much I 
 roome for them as he can, when there is any 
 throng or prefTe of people, being very chary of 
 his wife, leaft fhe fhould be hurt or anoyed by 
 thrufting. There moylds he like a horfe, & 
 fweates like a bull, yet cannot all this pleafe her : 
 Some dames of the company, which are more flufh ! 
 in crownes then her good man, beftowes money ; 
 on gold rings, hats, filk girdles. Jewels, or fome 
 fuch toyes, yea coftly toyes, which fhe no fooner 
 fees, but prefently fhe is on fire vntill fhe haue the > 
 like : Then muft hee herein content her if he loue 
 his owne eafe, and haue he money or not, fome 
 
232 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 ftiirt he muft make to fatisfie her humor. Well 
 now imagine them going homewards, & thinke 
 his paine & trouble no leffe, then it was coming 
 forth : her horfe perhaps doth fouder much, or 
 trots too hard, which is peraduenture by reafon 
 of a naile in his foote, or fome other mifchance. 
 Then muft hee perforce buy, or hyre another 
 horfe, and if he haue not money enough to do 
 fo, then muft he let her ride on his, & he trot 
 by her fide like a lackey. By the way fhe will 
 afke for twenty things : for milke, becaufe fhe 
 cannot away with their drink, for pears, plums, & 
 cherries : when they come neere a towne, he muft 
 run before to choofe out the beft Inne : euer and 
 anon as fhe rides, fhe will of purpofe let fall 
 her wand, her mafke, her gloues, or fomething els 
 for him to take vp, becaufe fhe will not haue him 
 idle : when they are come home, fhe wUl for a 
 fortnight together doe nothing els then gad vp 
 and downe amongft her gofTips, to tell them how 
 many gay and ftrange things fhee hath feene, all 
 that hath pafTed by the way in going and comming, 
 but efpecially of her good man, whom fhe will be 
 fure to blame, faying that he did her no pleafure 
 in the world, & that (fhe poore foule) being ficke 
 and wearie, could not get him to helpe her, or 
 to prouide any thing for her that fhe liked : and 
 finally that he had no more care of her, then if 
 
THE BA TCHELA RS BANQ UET, 233 
 
 flie had beene a meere ftranger. But hee poore 1 
 fot finding, at his returne, all thinges out of order 
 is not a little troubled to fet them in frame againe, | 
 and foyles exceedingly at his laboure, that he / 
 may recouer his charges which he hath bene at in 
 this iourny. But ftie what for goffiping, for pride 
 & idlenes wil not fet her hands to any thing, and 
 yet if ought goe well, fhe wil fay it was through 
 her heedfulnes & good hufwiferie : If otherwife, 
 then will fhe fcold, and lay the fault thereof on 
 him, although it be her owne doings. To be 
 ftiort, hauing thus gotten a vaine of gadding, fhe 
 will neuer leaue it, and hereby the poore man will 
 be vtterly fpoiled : for both his fubftace fhall be 
 wafted, his limbes through labour fild with aches, 
 his feete with the gout, and age comes on him 
 before his time : yet- as though this were not euil 
 enough, ihe wil be continually brawling, fcolding 
 and complaining, how fhe is broken through 
 child-bearing. Thus is the filly man vp to the 
 ears in Lobs_pound, beeing on each fide befet with 
 care and trouble, which he takes for pleafure, and 
 therein languifh[es] whiles he Hues. 
 
234 THE BATCUELARS BANQUET. 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 'The humor of a curji queane maried 
 to a froward hujband. 
 
 ' I "He next humor that is incident to a woman, 
 -■■ is when the hufband hauing entred very- 
 young into Lobs pound, and there fettered himfelf 
 by his too much folly, for a vaine hope of ticklifti 
 delights which lafted but for a yeere or two, hath 
 matched himfelfe with a very froward and peruerfe 
 woman (of which fort there are too many) whofe 
 whole defire is to be miftrefle and to weare the 
 breeches, or at leaft to beare as great a fway as 
 himfelfe. But he being craftie, & withal crabbed, 
 will in no wife fufFer this vfurped .foueraigntie, but 
 in fundrie maners withftands it. And there hath 
 bene great ftur & arguing about this matter 
 betweene themfelues, & now and then fome 
 battels: but do fhe what fhe can either with 
 her tongue or handes, notwithftanding their long 
 controuerfie, which hath perhaps lafted at the leaft 
 thefe twenty yeares, he is ftill vidorious, and holds 
 his right : but you muft think that his ftriuing 
 for / it all this while, hath bin no fmall trouble & 
 vexation vnto him, befide all other aforefaid euils : 
 all which, or part therof he hath likewife endured : 
 well, to be ftiort, he hath perchance three or foure 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 235 
 
 children all maried, and by reafon of the great 
 paines and trauell that hee hath taken in bringing 
 them vp, prouiding them portions, mayntaining 
 his wife,, encreafing his ftock, or at leafl: keeping 
 it from beeing diniinifhed, and liuing with credit 
 amongft his neighbours: At laft it may be hee 
 hath gotten the goute, or fome other daungerous 
 difeafe, and withali is growne old, and thereby 
 feeble, fo that being fet he can hardly rife, through 
 an ache that he hath got in his armes or his legs : 
 Then is their long warre come to an end, and the 
 cafe (as Ployden fayth) cleane altered, for his wife 
 beeing younger then hee, and as frolick as euer 
 Ihee was, will now bee fure to haue her owne will 
 in defpight of his beard : heereby the poore man, 
 which hath maintained the combate fo long, is 
 now vtterlie put downe : his owne children, which 
 before hee kept in awe well enough, will now take 
 heede to themfelues, and if hee reprooue them for 
 their leudnefTe and difobedience, fhee will main- 
 taine them againft him to his teeth, which muft 
 needes bee a great griefe vnto him. But befides 
 all this, he is in doubt of his feruantes, for they 
 likewife negledt their former duetie, and leane 
 altogether to their miftres : fo that hee poore man, 
 • which now by reafon of his ficknes, and feeblenes 
 of body, hath more neede of attendance then euer 
 he-had, fhall haue very little or none at all, for 
 
236 THE BA TCHELARS BA NQ UET. 
 
 though he be as wife and as careful 1 as euer he 
 was, yet fith hee cannot ftirre to followe them as 
 hee was wont, they contemne, and make no more 
 reckoning of him, then if hee were a meere foole. 
 Then peraduenture his eldeft fonne thinking that 
 his father liues too long, will take vpon him to 
 guide the houfe, and difpofing all things at his 
 pleafure, as if his father were become an innocent, 
 and could no longer looke to things as hee was 
 wont, iudge you whether the good man feeing 
 himfelfe thus vfed by his wife, children, and 
 feruantes, be greeued or not. If he purpofe to 
 make his will, they / will feeke all meanes to 
 keepe him from doing it, becaufe they heare an 
 inkling, that he will beftow fomewhat on the 
 Parifh, or will not bequeath his wife fo much as 
 fhe would haue. To be- fhort, that they may 
 make an end of him the fooner, they will many 
 times leaue him in his chamber halfe a day and 
 more, without meate, fier, or ought elfe, not one 
 of them cgmming to fee what hee wants, or to 
 do him any feruice : his wife is wearie of him by 
 reafon of his fpitting, cofling, and groaning. All 
 the loue and kindnefle, which he had in former 
 times fhewed vnto her, is quite forgotten : but 
 his ftrife for fuperioritie, and his crabbednefTe 
 towards her (when ftie had iuftly mooued him) 
 this fhe can ftill as well remember, as when it 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 237 
 
 was firft doone : neither will fhe fpare to prate 
 thereof to her neighbors, telling them that he hath 
 bin a bad man, and that fhe hath led fuch a life 
 with him, that if Ihe had not bene a woman of 
 great patience, fhe could neuer haue endured to 
 keepe houfe with fo crabbed a churle : She will 
 likewife boldly reproach, and twit him -in the 
 teeth with thofe former matters, for it doth 
 fhr^wdly ftick in her ftomack, that fhe could not 
 till now be miflres : But he that was wont to 
 charme her tongue, and keepe her vnder, who, 
 feeing him now in his diflrefTe and weaknefTe, 
 takes aduantage, and continues his bad vfage, 
 feeing alfo his children, which fhould feare and 
 reuerence him, taking part with their mother, 
 being taught and fet on by her, feeing this (I 
 fay) and being no lefTe angry then grieued, hee 
 cals fome of them in a rage, and when they are 
 come before him, thus begins he to his wife. 
 Wife you are flie whome by the lawes both of 
 God and man, I fhould loue and efteeme more 
 then any thing elfe in the world : and you on the 
 other fide fhould beare the like afFedbion to me : 
 but whether you doe fo or not, I referre it to your 
 owne confcience, I tell you I am not well pleafed 
 with your vflng of me thus : I thinke you take 
 me flill for the Mafler of the houfe as before you 
 haue done, but whether you thinke fo or not, bee 
 
238 THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 fure I will bee Maifter while I Hue, yet (you I 
 thanke you) doe vfe me, and account of me in 
 very flight maner : I haue alwaies loued you well, 
 neuer / fuffred you to lack that which was meete : 
 I haue in like fort loued, and alfo maintained your 
 children and mine according to my degree, and 
 now both you and they do very kindly acquite 
 me. Why (faith flie) what would you haue vs 
 do } We do the beft that we can, but you can not 
 tel your felfe what you would haue ? The better 
 we vfe you, and the more wee tend you, the worfe 
 you are : But you were neuer other, alwaies brawl- 
 ing, and neuer quiet, neuer pleafed full nor falling : 
 I thinke neuer woman was fo long troubled with 
 a crooked Poftle as I haue bin. Ah dame (faith 
 he) leaue thefe wordes I pray you : then turning to 
 his eldeift fonne, he faide : Sonne, I haue marueld 
 at your behauiour of late toward me, and I tell 
 you, I am not wel pleafed therewith : you are my 
 eldeft, and fliall be mine heire, if you behaue your 
 felfe as a childe ought to doe; But you begin 
 alreadie to take ftate vpon you, and to difpofe of 
 my goods at your pleafure : I would not wifli you 
 to be fo forward, but rather while I liue, to ferue 
 and obey me, as it becomes you to doe : I haue 
 beene no bad father vnto you, I haue nothing 
 impaired or diminifhed, but increaft that which 
 was left mee by my father, which if yo.u doe your 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 239 
 
 dutie to mee (as I did m[ine] to him) I will leaue 
 you after my deceafe as hee left to mee : but if 
 you continue in your ftubbornnefle and difobe- 
 dience, before God I fweare, I will not beftowe 
 one penny or crofle vpon thee. Heere his wife 
 begins againe to thwart him ; Why, what would 
 you haue him doe? It is impoflible for any 
 one to pleafe you : I wis it is high time that you 
 and I were both in heauen, you know not your 
 felfe: what would you haue? I maruell what 
 you ayle. Well, well, (faith he) I pray you bee 
 quiet, doe not maintaine him thus againft mee ; 
 but it is alwaies your order. After this, the 
 mother and fonne departing, confult together, and 
 conclude, that hee is become a childe againe, and 
 becaufe hee hath threatned to difinherite them, 
 they refolue that no man fhal be fufFered to come 
 and ipeake with him : his fonne / takes vpon 
 him more then before, being borne out by his 
 mother, who together with him, makes euery one 
 belieue that the poore man is become childifli, and 
 that he hath loft both his fenfe & memorie. If 
 any of his honeft friends & former acquaintance, 
 which were wont to refort to him, come now to 
 afke for him, his wife wil thus anfwere the, 
 Alas he is not to be fpoken with : and when 
 he demands the caufe thereof, doubting he is 
 dangeroufly fick, ah good neighbor (quoth fhe) 
 
240 THE BA TCHELARS BA NQ UET. 
 
 he is become an innocent, he is euen a child 
 againe, fo that I poor foule muft guide all the 
 houfe, & take the whole charge of all things 
 vpon me, hauing none to help me ; but God be 
 praifed for all. In good faith faith the other, I 
 am verie forie to heare this, and doe much 
 maruaile at it, for it is not long fince I fawe him 
 and fpoke with him, and then he was in as good 
 memorie, & fpake with as good fence and reafon 
 as euer hee did before. In troth (faith fhee) he 
 is now as I tell yee. Thus doth fhe wrong and 
 and flaunder the poore man, which hath alwaies 
 liued in good credit, and kept his houfe in very 
 good order : but you may be well aflured, that 
 hee feeing himfelfe in his age thus defpifed and 
 iniured, and being not able to remedy himfelfe, 
 nor ftirre without helpe from the place where 
 hee is, therby to acquaint his friends therewith, 
 which might in his behalfe redreffe it, is not a 
 little grieued, vexed and tormented in his mind 
 with forow and anger, fo that it is a meruaile 
 that he falles not into defpaire ; for it is enough 
 to make a Saint impatient to be vfed thus by 
 thofe which fhould obey, ferue, and honour him : 
 And in my opinion this is one of the greateft 
 " I corrafiues that any man can feele : fuch is the 
 I ifTue of his great hafte and extreame defire to 
 1 be in Lobs pound, where hee muft now remaine 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 241 
 
 perforce till death doe end at once both his life I 
 and laneuiftiin?. ^ 
 
 and languiftiing. 
 
 CHAP. X. 
 
 The humor of a woman giuen to al kind 
 of pleafures. 
 
 A N other humor incident to a woman by nature 
 ■^~*- is, when the hufband, thinking that wedlock 
 was of all eftats the happieft, and altogether 
 replinifhed with delight and pleafure, becaufe he 
 faw fome of his friends, 'who for a whil after they 
 were maried were very chearefuU and iocond,| 
 neuer ceafeth toiling & turmoiling himfelf till 
 he haue gotten into Lobs-ptcmnd; wherein he is I 
 prefently caught faft like a bird in a net: for this 
 comparifon if we do examine the particulars 
 thereof, doth very fitly refemble his eftate. The 
 filly birds which flye fro tree to tree & from field 
 to field to feeke meat, when they fee a great deale 
 of corne ipilt one the grounde, thinke themfelues 
 well apaid, and without any feare come thither to 
 feede there on, picking on the graines of corn ; 
 but alas they are deceiued, for on a fodaine the 
 net is drawne, and they are all faft tide by the 
 leges, and thence carried in a fack or panior one 
 vpon another to the fowlers -houfe, then coopt vp 
 D. I, 16 
 
242 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 in a Cage. Oh howe happy would they thinke 
 themfelues, if they were againe at their former 
 liberty to flye whether they lift, but they wifh to 
 late : yet were this all the euil that they fhould 
 endure, it were well, but (which is worfe) they 
 fhal foone after haue their necks wrung off, and 
 their little bodies ipitted, to be made meat for 
 men to eate. But they are herein more fimple 
 then birds, for they be ingiafl_in Lobs pou nd, a re 
 fb befotted with their owne forrowes, that [as] they 
 haue no power to free themfelues, fo likewife they 
 haue no wil to doe it. But to proceede, the wife 
 not louing her hufband, for fome defedt which 
 is in him, that ihe may haue fome collor for that 
 fhe doth, makes her mother and other friendes, 
 which blaine her for it, belieue, that her huftjand 
 is bewitcht, and by reafon of fome forcery, made 
 for the moft part impotent : hereupon fliee com- 
 plaines of her ill fortune, / refembling it to thos, 
 which hauing the cup at their nofes, cannot 
 drinke ? Meane while fhe hath a fweete hart in 
 a corner, who is not bewitched, who vfeth her 
 company fo long, and with fo little heed, that in 
 the end her huft)and perceiues it, and falling into 
 the vaine of iealoufie, beates her wel fauordely, 
 and keepes a foule ftirre both with blowes and 
 words, fo that fhe not liking his vfage, giues him 
 the flip : but then is he cleane out of patience ; and 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET- 243 
 
 fo hufbands in this taking are fo mad, that they 
 neuer lin feeking them, and wold giue halfe they 
 are worth to find her again : who hauing thus 
 plaid her pagient, and feeing her hufbands humor, 
 compafts with her mother, whofe good will fhe 
 will be fure to get, by one meanes or other, 
 (whereas at the firfl fhe wil perhaps thinke hardly 
 of her departure from her hufband :) fhe doth I 
 faye fo handle the matter with her, that fhee wil 
 make the good man belieue her daughter hath 
 binne all this while at home with her, and that 
 fhee came to fhun -his bad vfage, who had fhee 
 tarried with hini til then, had binne lamed for 
 euer. Before God (quoth fhee) I had rather you 
 jihoulde refhore her againe to mee, then beate her 
 thus without caufe, for I knowe that you fufpedt 
 her wrongfully, and that fhee hath neuer offended 
 you : I wis I haue flraightlie examined her about 
 it, but if fhe wold haue bin naught, you did 
 enough to prouoke her : by gods pafTion I think 
 fewe women could haue borne it. Wei it maye 
 bee, that vpon tTiefe or the like words he takes 
 her againe : it may bee alfo that they are both 
 defirous to be diuorced, each accufing other, and 
 feekinge to wi ade them felues againe out of Lobs 
 pound, but in vaine; for either the caufes that they 
 alleadge are not thought fufficient by the ludge 
 howe hard foeuer they pleade, but mufl of force 
 
244 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 continue ftil together, are laughed to fcorne of, 
 al that heares the, caufe ; or if they be feperated> 
 yet will not al this fet them free, but rather 
 plunge them in deeper then before, but neither 
 of them can marry while otheres Hues : and their 
 chaftitie is fo brittle, efpecially heres, that holde it 
 cannot, nor long endure : fhe who was wont to 
 be fo froUick muft / needes continue fo ftil, nay 
 peraduenture, being now without controwlment, 
 foUowes her il life more freely then before : and 
 whereas Ihee was but earft a priuate queane, is 
 nowe common in the way of good fellowftiippe, 
 or elfe fome luftie gallante takes her into his 
 houfe, and keepes her by his nofe ; which muft 
 needes bee vnto him an exceedinge griefe, and 
 an open ftiame to the worlde : and which is worfe, 
 hee knowes not how in the worlde to remedie 
 it, but muft perforce endure both while this 
 miferable life doth laft. 
 
 CHAP. XI. 
 
 The humor of a woman to get her daughter 
 
 a hujband, hauing made a little 
 
 wanton /cape. 
 
 ' I "HE next humor that a woman is addifted 
 
 ■*- vnto, is, whe a luftie young gallant riding 
 
 at pleafure vp and downe the countrye, efpecially 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQUET. 2^5 
 
 to thofe places of fportes and pleafure where fine 
 Dames and dainetye Girles meat, whoe can finely 
 mince their meafures, haue their toongues trained 
 vpp to amorous chat ; in which delightful exercifes 
 this yonker both by reafon of his youth, his loofe 
 bringing vpp, and naturall inclination, takes great 
 felicitie in fuch companie, and fo much the rather, 
 becaufe hee findes himfelfe alwayes welcome to 
 fuch places; and the reafon is the comelynes of 
 his perfon, his amiable countenaunce, and quaint 
 behauiour, for whoe fo euer hath thefe good helpes, 
 fhal want no fauour at womens handes : It may 
 bee alfo : that his parentes are ftil liuinge, and hee 
 their onely ioye ; they haue perhapes noe child but 
 him, fo that all their delight is in mainetaning him 
 brauely. It may bee alfo that hee is newly come to \ 
 his landes, and loues to fee faftiions, though it coft ] 
 his purfe neuer fo largely. If any Gentlewomanne I 
 offer anye kindneffe, hee is readie to requite it ; 
 and at / length through long prancing, to many 
 places, he lights on one that doth exceedingly 
 plefe his eie, and inflame his hart: flie is perhaps 
 daughter to fome Gentleman, fome Citizen, or I 
 fome worthie Farmer. She hath a clean com- 
 plexion, a fine proportion, and wanton eie, a 
 daintie toong, and a fharp wit, by reafon of 
 all which good gifts, fhe is grown very famous. 
 She hath bin wooed, fued, and courted by the 
 
246 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 braueft galants in that contrey, of whom perhaps 
 fome one being more forward and couragious then 
 the reft, hath oifred her fuch kindnes, as fticks by 
 her ribs a good while after, and would needs in- 
 force this curtefie with fuch importunitie, that fhee 
 had not the power to refift it : for a woman that 
 hath her fiue wits, if fhe be withal of a cheereful 
 fanguin complexion, cannot be fo vnkind, or fo 
 hard-harted, as to deny, or repuls the petition of 
 an amorous friend, if he do anything earneftly 
 profecute the fame. And (to be plaine) be fhe 
 of what complexion foeuer, fhe wil be nothing 
 flacke to grant fuch a fute. But to returne to our 
 purpofe, by reafon of her tender compaflion, and 
 kind acceptance of this proffered feruice, it fo 
 falls out fhe hath plaide falfe, then is there no 
 other fhift but to keepe it clofe, and to take fuch 
 order as beft they can for the fmoothing vp of f 
 matter : he that hath don the deed being a poore 
 yong man, though proper of body, and perhaps 
 can daunce very well, by which good quallitie he 
 won her fauour, & within a whil after cropt the 
 flower of her maydenhead: he (I fay) after a 
 check or two and no farther matter (leaft this 
 priuie fcap fhould be openly knowne) is warnd 
 from comming any more to the houfe, or frequent- 
 ing her company whatfoeuer. But now you muft 
 note, that fhe being but a fimple girl betweene 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 247 
 
 fourteene and fifteene yeares of age, nothing ex- 
 pert, but rather a nouice in fuch matters, and 
 hauing bin but lately deceiued, knows not her 
 felfe how it is with her. But her mother which 
 by long experience hath gotten great iudgment, 
 doth by her colour, her complayninge of paine 
 at her hart and ftomack, with other like tokens, 
 perceiues it wel enough, and hauinge (as before I 
 faid) caffierd the author of the adtion, then taks 
 fhe her / daughter afide, and fchooles her fo, that 
 in the end fhe confefleth that he hath bin dallying 
 with her, but fhe knowes not whether to any 
 purpofe or not. Yes (fayth her mother) it is to 
 fuch purpofe (as by thefe fignes I knowe verye 
 well) that you haue thereby fhamed your felfe and 
 al your friends, and fpoiled your marriage quite 
 and cleane. To be fhort, hauinge fomewhat chid 
 her after the commone order, for hauinge no 
 more refpedl nor care of her honeflie (yet not 
 chidinge verye extreamely, becaufe fhe knowes the 
 frailtie of youth by her owne former experience) 
 fhee concludes thus comfortablye : fith it is done, 
 and cannot bee altogether remedied, fhee will 
 feeke to falue the matter as well as fhee can, 
 charginge her daughter t6 fet a good countenance 
 one it, leafl it fhould bee fufpedbed, and to foUowe 
 her counfel and commaundement in al thinges : 
 whereto the poore wenche willingelye confenteth. 
 
248 THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 Then her mother proceedes thus: You know 
 maifter T. A. that commeth hither fo often, hee 
 is yoii fee a proper young Gentleman, and a rich 
 heire ; to morrow hee hath appointed to bee heere 
 againe, looke that you giue him good entertain- 
 ment, and fhewe him good countenaunce. When 
 you fee me & the reft of our good guefts talking 
 together, euer and anon caft your eye on him, in 
 the kindeft and louingeft maner that you can : 
 if he defire to fpeake v/ith you, bee not coy, but 
 heare him willinglie, anfwere him courteouflie. 
 If hee intreate loue of you, tell him that you 
 knowe not what it meanes, and that you haue noe 
 defire at all to knowe it, yet thanke him for his 
 good will; for that woman is too vncourteous 
 and vnciuill, which will not vouchfafe the hearing, 
 or gentlie anfweringe to thofe that loue her, and 
 wifh her wel. If he offer you money, take none 
 in anye cafe, if a ring, or a girdle, or any fuch 
 thing, at the firft refufe it, yet kindely and with 
 thankes : but if hee urge it on you twice or 
 thriccj take it, telling him, fith that he wil 
 needes beftow it on you, you wil weare it for 
 his fake. Laftlyj when hee takes his leaue, afke 
 him when he will come againe ? Thefe inftrudions 
 being thus giuen, and the plot layd for the 
 fetching in / of this kind foole into Lobs pound, 
 the next day he commeth, and is on alhandes 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 249 
 
 more kindely welcome and entertained: after 
 dinner hauinge had great cheare, the mother 
 falls in talke with the other guefts, and this 
 frolicke nouice gets him as neere to the daughter 
 as he can, and while the other are hard in chat, 
 hee takes her by the hand, and thus begins to 
 court her : Gentlewoman, I would to God you 
 knew my thoughts. Your thoughts fir (faith 
 fhee) how fhould I kno them except you tell 
 them me? it may be you think fomething that 
 you are loth to tel. Not fo (faith he) yet I 
 wold you knew it without telling. But that (faith 
 fhe fmiling) is vnpoflible. Then quoth he, if I 
 might do it without offence I would aduenture 
 to tell you thetti. Sir (faith fhe) you may freely 
 fpeak your plefure, for J do fo much affure me 
 of your honefly, that I know you will fpeake 
 nothinge that may procure offence. Then thus 
 (faith he) I acknowledge without faning, that I 
 am farre vnworthy of fo great a fauour as to be 
 accepted for your feruant, friend, and Louer, which 
 art fo faifCj fo gentle, and euery way fo gratious, 
 that I may truly fay that you are replenifhed with 
 all the good giftes that nature can plant in any 
 mortal creature : But if you would vouchfafe mee 
 this vndeferued grace, my good wil, diligence, and 
 continual forwardnes to ferue and pleafe you 
 fhoulde neuer faile. But I woulde therein equal 
 
250 THE B'A TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 the moft loyal Louer that euer liued, I would 
 efteeme you more then any thing elfe, and tender 
 more your good name and credit then mine owne. 
 Good Sir (quoth flie) I hartily thanke you for 
 your kinde offer^ but I pray you fpeake no more 
 of fuch matters ; for I neither knowe what loue 
 is, nor care for knowing it : This is not the leffon 
 that my mother teacheth mee now-adayes. Why 
 (faith he) if you pleafe fhe fhal know nothing of 
 it, yet the other day I heard her talke of preferring 
 you in marriag to Maifter G. R. How fay you to 
 that (quoth fhee) ? Mary thus (anfweres the Gentle- 
 man) if you would vouchfafe to entertaine me for 
 your feruant, I would neuer marry, but relie on 
 your fauour. 
 
 But / that (faith fhe) fhould be no profit to either 
 of vs both, and befide it would be to my reproch, 
 which I had not thoght you wold feek. Nay 
 (quoth he) I had rather dy then feek your difcredit. 
 Wei fir (faith flie) Ipeak no more herof, for if my 
 mother fliould perceiue it, I were vtterly vndone. 
 And it may be her mother makes her a fign to 
 giue ouer, fearing that flie doth not play her part 
 well. At the breaking vp of their amourous parley, 
 he conueis into her hand a gold ring, or fome fuch 
 toy, defiring her to tak it, and keep it for his fak : 
 which at the firft (according to her mothers pre- 
 cepts) file doth refus : but vpo his more earneft 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 251 
 
 vrging of it, fhe is content to take it in ^ -waj of 
 honeftie, and not on any promife or condition of 
 any farther matter : when it was brought to this 
 pafle, the mother maks motion of a iourney to be 
 made the next morning, fome te or 1 2, miles off, 
 to vifit or feaft with fome frind, or to fome fair, 
 or whatfoeuer other occafibn prefents it felf : To 
 this motio they al agree, and aftei*ward fit downe 
 to fupper, where he is placed next the daughter, 
 who caries her felfe fo toward him with her pearcing 
 glances, that the young heire is fet on fire ther- 
 with : wel, morning comes, they mount on horfback, 
 and by the opinion of them al, ther is neuer a hors 
 in y eompanie that can carry double but his, fo 
 that he is appointed to haue the maiden ride behind 
 him, wherof he is not a little proud ; and when hee 
 feeles her hold faft by the middle, (which fhee doth 
 to ftaie her felf the better) he is euen rauiftied with 
 ioy. After their returning home, which wilbee the 
 fame night, the mother taking her daughter afide, 
 queftions with her touching all that had pafTed 
 betweene the amourous gallant and her, which 
 when her daughter hath rehearfed, then proceeds 
 the wilie GraundaMe thus : If hee court thee, any 
 more (as I knowe hee will) then anfwere him that 
 thou haft hearde thy Father and mee talking of 
 matching thee with Maifter G. R. but that thou 
 haft noe defire as yet to bee marriede: if hee then 
 
252 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 offer to make thee his wife, and vfe comparifones 
 of his worth and wealth, as if hee were euerye 
 waye as good as heCj thanke him for good wil 
 and kindnes, and tell / him that thou wilt fpeake 
 with me about it, and that for thy owne part 
 thou couldft find in thy hart to haue him to thy 
 hufband rather then any man elfe : vpon this 
 leflbn the daughter fleepes, reuoluing it all night 
 in her mind. The next morning fhe walkes into 
 the Garden, and this luftie yonker followes, when 
 hauing giuen her the time of the day, he fals to 
 his former fute. She wils him to giue ouer fuch 
 talke or fhee wil leaue his companie : Is this 
 the loue you beare me (quoth fhe) to feeke my 
 difhonefty ? You know well enough that my 
 father and mother is minded to bellow me other 
 wife. Ah, my fweete miftres (faith he) I would 
 they did fo farre fauour me herein, as they do 
 him: I dare boldly fay and fweare it, and without 
 vaine glory vtter it, that I am euery way his equal. 
 Oh fir, anfweres flie, I would hee were like you. 
 Ah fweete miftres, faith he, you deigne to thinke 
 better of me then I deferue, but if you would 
 farther vouchfafe me the other fauour, I fhould 
 efteeme myfelf moft happy. In troth fir, faith fhe, 
 it is a thinge that I may not do of my felfe, without 
 the counfell and confent of my parents, to whom I 
 would gladly moue it, if I thought they woulde not: 
 
THE BA TCHELA RS BANQ_ UET. 253 
 
 bee offended. But it fliould be better if your 
 felfe would breake the matter vnto them, and be 
 fure, if that they referre the matter to mee, you 
 ftial Ipeede fo foone as any. He being rauifht 
 with thefe words, and yeeldingjier-4nfinite thanks, 
 trots prefentlie to the mother to gfet her good wil : 
 To be fhort, with a little adooe the matter is 
 brought about, euen in fuch fort as hee woulde 
 defire ; they are ftraightway contrafted, and imme- 
 diately wedded, both becaufe that her friendes 
 feare that the leaft delaye wil preuent al, and 
 becaufe he is fo hot in the fpurre, that hee thinks 
 euery houre a yeare til it be done. Wei : the 
 wedding night comes, wherein ihe behaues herfelf 
 fo by her mothers counfel, that hee dares fweare 
 on the Bible that hee had her maidenhed, and that 
 himfelf was the firft that trod the path. Within a 
 while after it comes to his friends eares without 
 whofe knowledge he hath maried himfelf, who are 
 exceeding fory, knowing ilie was no meet match 
 for him, and it may be they / haue heard withal of 
 his wiues humor: but now there is no remedie, 
 the knot is knit, and cannot be vndone, they muft 
 therefore haue patience perforce. Well, he bringes 
 his faire Bride home to his owne houfe, where 
 godwot he hath but a fmal time of pleafure, for 
 within three or foure months after their mariag, 
 flie is brought to bed : iudge then in what taking 
 
v/ 
 
 254 1'HE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 the poore man is. If he put her away, his ill 
 wil be publick, flie grows common, and he not 
 permitted to marry againe while fhe liues, and 
 he keepe her ftil, loue her he cannot, fufped ] 
 he will, and ilie both hate him, and perhapes fee 
 his end : finally, all the ioyes, pleafures, and delig 
 which before time they had, are al turned to braw 
 banning, curfing, and fighting : thus is he hampei 
 ., iQ^Lobs_pQ]and, wher he muft of force remain, 
 death end his liues miferies. 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 'the humor of a woman being matched with 
 an ouerkind hujband. 
 
 " I "Here is another humor incident to a worn; 
 -*■ which is, when a young man hath ti 
 moyld and tofled himfelf fo long, that with mu 
 adoe hee hath gotten into lobes po unds and hj 
 perhaps met with a wife according to his ow 
 defire, and perchance fuch a one, that it had 1 
 better for him to haue lighted on another, yet 
 likes her fo well, that he wold not haue mift 1 
 for any golde; for in his opinion there is 
 woman aliue like vnto her: hee hath a gn 
 delight to heare her fpeake, is prowde of . 
 matche, and peraduenture is withal of fo fheep 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 255 
 
 a nature, that hee hath purpofed wholie to 
 gouerne himfelfe by her counfel and direftion, fo 
 that if any one fpeake to him about a bargaine, or 
 whatfoeuer other bufines, he tels them that hee 
 will haue his wiues opinion in it, and if fhee bee 
 content, he will go thorough with it, if not then 
 wil he giue it ouer : thus is he as tame and pliable, 
 as a Jack an apes to his keeper. If the Prince 
 fet forth an army, and / flie be vnwilling that he 
 fliould go, who (you may think) wil afke her 
 leaue, then muft-he ftay at home, fight whoe will 
 for the country : But if fhe be at any time 
 defirous to haue his roome (which many times 
 ftie likes better then his company) fhe wants no 
 iourneyes to imploy him in, and he is as ready as a 
 Page to vndertake them : If fhe chide, he anfweres 
 not a word, generally whatfoeuer fhee doth, or 
 howfoeuer, hee thinks it well done. Judge now 
 in what a cafe this filly calfe is!: is not he think 
 you finly drefl that is in much fubiedtion? The 
 honeflefl wooman, and mofl modeft of that fexe, 
 if fhee weare the breeches, is fo out of reafbn in 
 taunting and controuling her hufband, for this is 
 their common fault, and be fhe neuer fo wife, yet, 
 becaufe a woman, fcarce able to gouern her felf, 
 much lefTe her hulbande, and all his affaires, for 
 were it not fo, God wold haue made her the 
 head ; which fith it is other wife, what can bee 
 
2s6 THE BA TCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 more prepofterous, then that the head fhould be 
 gouernd by the foote ? if then a wife and honeft 
 womans fuperioritie bee vnfeemely, and breede 
 great inconuenience, how is he dreft, thinke you, 
 if hee light on a fond wanton, and malicious 
 dame ? Then doubtles hee is foundly fped : fhe 
 will keepe a fweete hart vnder his nofe, yet is he 
 fo blind y he cannot perceiue nothing : but for 
 more fecuritie, ihe wil many times fend him 
 packing beyond fea, about fome odde errand 
 which fhe wil buzze in his eares, and he will 
 performe it at her pleafure, though fliee fend 
 him forth at midnight, in rayne, hayle, or fnow, 
 for hee muft bee a man for all wetheres : Their 
 children, if they haue any, muft be brought vp, 
 apparelled, fed, and taught accordinge to her 
 pleafure : and one point of their learning is 
 alwayes to make no account of their father. If 
 any of their children be daughters, fhee wil marrye 
 them according to her minde to whom fhee lift, 
 when fhe lift, and giue with them what dowry 
 fhe lift, without acquanting him therewith, till 
 fhee haue concluded the match; and then fhe tels 
 him, not to haue his confent, but as a maifter 
 may tell his feruante, to giue him diredtion howe 
 to behaue himfelfe to deaJe therein : finally, / 
 fhe orders al thinges as fhe thinks beft her felfe, 
 making no more account of him, efpecially if hee 
 
THE BA2CHELARS BANQ UET. 257 
 
 bee in yeares, then men doe of an old horfe 
 which is paft labour. Thus is hee mewed vp in 
 Lobs__£oun4 plunged in a fea of cares, and 
 corafiues, yet hee (kinde foole) deemes himfelfe 
 moft happy e in his happines wherein hee muft 
 now perforce remaine while life doth laft; and 
 pittie it were hee fhoulde wante it, fith he likes it 
 fo well. 
 
 CHAP. XIII. 
 
 The humor of a woman, whoje hujband 
 
 is gone ouer the Jea v-pon 
 
 bujines. 
 
 A N other humor of a woman is, when the 
 '^*- hulba,nde hath binne maried fome feauen 
 or eight yeares, more or lefle, and as hee thinkes, 
 hee hath met with as good wife as any man 
 can haue, \with whom he hath continued al y 
 aforeftide time with great delights and pleafures : 
 But admit hee bee a Gentleman, and that hee is 
 defirous to purchace honor by following armes, 
 and in this humor hee refolues to make a 
 ftep abroad, and not to tarrye alwayes like a 
 cowardly drone by the fmoake of his owne 
 chimney ; but when he is ready to depart, fhe 
 D. I. 17 
 
258 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 bathing her cheekes with tears, falls about his 
 neck, cols, kifieth, and imbraceth him ; the weep- 
 ing, fighing and fobbing, fhee thus begins to him, 
 Ah fweet hufbande, will you now leaue me ? wil 
 you thus depart from me and from your children, 
 whiche knowes not when wee ftiall fee you againe, 
 or whether you fhal euer come home againe or 
 noe ? Alas fweete hufbande, goe not, tarrye 
 with vs ftill ; if you leaue vs wee are vtterly 
 vndone. Ah fweet wife (faith he) diffwade mee 
 1 not from this e;nterprife, which concernes both 
 : my credite and alleagiance, for it is our Prince, 
 commaunderaent, and I muft obey : but be you 
 wel aflured that I wil not be long from you (if it 
 pleafe God.) 
 
 Thus / doth he comfort and quiet her in the beft 
 fort that he can, and be fhe neuer fo importunate, 
 be her feares neuer fo many, her intreaty neuer fb 
 forcible, yet go he wil, efteeming his renowne and 
 dutie to his Prince and country more then wife 
 and children, though next to it he efteeme and 
 loue them chiefeft of al other. And at his de- 
 parture hee recommendes them to the care and 
 curtefie of his. chiefeft friendes ; yet Ibme there be 
 whofe tender harts melt fo eafely with kind com- 
 paflion, that one of their wiues teares, and the 
 leaft of their intreats,' wil tie them fo faft by 
 the legge at home, that they wil not ftir on foote 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 259 
 
 from her fweet fide, neither for king nor Keyfar, 
 wealth nor honor. Thes are crauens, and vnworthy 
 to be Called gentlemen. But to returne to this 
 vallorous and braue minded gentleman, of whom 
 we Ipak before, it may be that either by the long 
 continuance of the warres, or by his misfortune in 
 being taken prifoner, or fome other let, hee comes 
 not home in foure or fiue yeares, & al that whil 
 ther is no newes of him : you may be fure that his 
 wife is a forrowful woman, and wholly furcKargd 
 with griefe, being thus depriued of her louing mate, 
 and hearing nothing of his eftate. But al things 
 haue an end, and fhe feeing that in fo long a time, 
 Ihe can hear no tydinges of him, doth peremtory 
 conclude that he is dead. Then confidering to liue 
 comfortles in widdows eftate, wer an vncouth life, 
 fhe determines to marry her felf to fome one fb , 
 foon as conueniently fhe may, which wil be foon 
 inough, for a faire woman, if willing can want 
 no choyce. Thus her former forrow is fomewhat 
 alaid, and within a while after clean extinguiiht, 
 by the frefh delights, pleafure, contents and foUace 
 which this new choice doth yeeld. So that now 
 Mr other hufbande is wholly forgotten, her children 
 which ftie had by him little regarded, and the 
 goods which belong to them, are fpent on others, I 
 while the poore wretches want things needfull, j '^ 
 but not blowes and hard vfage. To be ftiort, the \ 
 
26o THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 teares which {he beftowed on her other hufbande 
 at his departure is dryed vp, her imbraces vanifhed. 
 And whofoeuer fhoulde fee her with this fecond 
 hufbande, and what kindnefle ftiee fhewes / vnto 
 him, woulde verily thinke that fhee loues him 
 farre better then fhe did the firft, who in the 
 meane while is either prifoner, or els fighting in 
 extreame hazard of his life. But in the end 
 it chaunceth fo, that by paying his ranfome, (if 
 he haue bene prifoner) home hee comes, cleane 
 chaunged thorough the many troubls he hath 
 had : And being com fomwhat neere, failes not 
 to inquire of his wife and children, for he is in 
 great feare, that they are either dead or in fome 
 great diftrefle. And doubtles in the time of his 
 imprifonment or other daungeres, hee haue oft 
 thought, ofte dreamed of them, and oft forrowed 
 for them, oft fought God to preferue and blefle 
 them. And that perhaps fometimes, at the very 
 inftant when ihe was in the others armes, toying 
 and dallying, and in the mideft of her delights. 
 Well, inquiring (as before faid) [he] heares that fhe 
 is married againe : then iudge you with what griefe 
 he heares it : But his griefe is bootelefTe, for now 
 the matter is pafl remedy. If he haue any care of his 
 credite, any regard of his eflimation, he wil neuer 
 take her more, though perhaps the other hauing had 
 his plefure of her could be wel content either to 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 261 
 
 reftore her to him, or to leaue her to any one elfe. 
 She on the other fide is vtterly fhamed, and her 
 name ftained with perpetuall reproch, and neither he 
 nor fhe can marry while they liue. Their poore 
 children are likewife griued and ftiamed at their 
 mothers infamy. Sometimes likewife it happens, y 
 for the wiues caufe, the hufband being coragious, 
 doth quarrel and perhaps combat with him, who 
 being better then himfelfe, doth either wound 
 or kill him, and the occafion hereof fprung from 
 their wiues prid, becaufe forfooth ftiee will take 
 the wall of the others wife, or fit aboue her, whom 
 fhe will in no wife fufFer, nor loofe an inch of her 
 eftate, and hereupon the hufbands muft together 
 by the ears. Thus the fuppofed bleffednes which 
 hee expeded by plunging himfelfe in lobs pound, 
 is turned into forrow, truble, danger"" and con- 
 tinuall difcontent while life doth laft. 
 
z(y? THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 CHAP./XIIII. 
 
 The humor of a woman that hath bene 
 twice married. 
 
 * I "Here is another humor belonging to a woman, 
 ■*■ which is, when a young man hauing found 
 the way into Lobbes^^ound, meetes with a wife 
 of like years, frefti, lufty, fair, kind and gracious, 
 with whom he hath liued two or three years, in al 
 delights, ioys and pleafure that any married couple 
 could haue ; neuer did the one difpleafe the other, 
 neuer foule word paft betwixt them, but they are 
 almoft ftil kiffing and colling each other, like a 
 couple of doues. Arid nature hath framed fuch 
 fympathy betweene them, that if the one be il at 
 eafe or difcontented, the other is fo likewife. But 
 in the midft of this their mutuall loue and follace, 
 it chanceth that {he dies ; wherat he greeues fo 
 extreamely, that he is almoft befide himfelfe with 
 forrow : he mournes, not only in his apparel for a 
 fhew, but vnfainedly, in his very heart, and that fo 
 much, that hee fhunnes al places of pleafure, and 
 al com'pany, liues foUitary and fpends the time in 
 daily complaints & mones, and bitterly bewaling 
 the lofle of fo good a wife, wherein no man can 
 iuftly blame him, for it is a lofle worthy to be 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 263 
 
 lamented. And a iewel which whofoere hath is 
 happy (but this happines is very rare). To be 
 ftiort, his thoughts are al on her, and fhe fo firtnely 
 printed in his mind, that whether he fleepe or 
 wake, fhe feemes alwaies to bee in fight ; but as all 
 thinges hath an end, fo here had forrowe. After 
 awhile fome of his friendes hauing fpied out a 
 fecond match, which as they think is very fit for 
 him, do preuaile fo much with him, through her 
 perfwafions, that hee accepts it, and marries him- 
 felfe againe, but not as before, with a yong maid, 
 but with a lufty widow, of a middle age and much 
 experience ; who by the trial which fhe had of her 
 firft hufband, knowes how to handle the fecod : but 
 that fhe may do it the better, fhe doth not prefently 
 difcouer / her humor, til fhe haue thoroughly markt 
 how he is inclined, what his coditions are, & what 
 his nature is : which finding milde, and kind, and 
 very flexible (the fiteft mould to call a foole in) 
 hauing now the full length of his foot, then fhewes 
 fhe herfelfe what fhe is, vnmafking her difTembling 
 malice. Her firft attempt is to vfurpe fuperioritie, 
 and to become his head, and this fhee obtaines 
 without any great difficultye, for there is nothing 
 fo lauifh as a fimple & wel natured young man 
 being in fubiedtion, that is married, to a widow, 
 efpecially if fhe be, as the moft of them are, of a 
 peruers arid crabed nature. I may very wel com- 
 
264 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 pare him to an vnfortuat wretch whofe il happe is 
 to bee caft into a ftrong prifon, vnder the keeping 
 of a cruel and pittilefle Jaylor, that is not moued 
 to compaflion, but rather to great rigor, in the 
 beholdinge the miferies of this poore wretch ; whofe 
 onely refuge in this diftrefTe, is to pray vnto God 
 to giue him patience to endure this crofle, for if 
 hee complaine of his hard vfage, it will afterwards 
 proue worfe. 
 
 But to proceede : This ioUy widdow wil within 
 a while grow Jealous, feare and fufpedt that fome 
 other dame hath part of that which flie fo mightily 
 defireth, and wherewith fhee could neuer bee fatis- 
 fied, fo that if hee glut not her infatiable humor, 
 ftraighteway fhee conceiueth this opinion if hee 
 doe but talke, nay, which is worfe, looke on any 
 other woman ; for fhee by her good wil woulde 
 bee alwayes in his armes, or at the leaft in his 
 companye : For as the fifh whiche hauinge 
 beene in water, that through the heate of the 
 fommer is halfe dryed vpp, beginnes to flicke 
 full of mudde, feekes for frefh water, and hauinge 
 founds it, doth willingly remayn therin and wil in 
 no wife return to his former place : euen fo an 
 olde woman, hauinge gottenne a younge man, will 
 cling to him, like an luy to an Elme. But on 
 the other fide, a young man cannot loue an olde 
 woman, howfoeuer hee doth diffemble, neither is 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 265 
 
 there any, that more endaungers his death : for it 
 is with him, as with one that drinketh mufly wine, 
 who if he be thirftye feeles / nothinge whiles hee 
 is drinking, but at the ende of his draught, he 
 feeles fuch a difpleafing tafte, that it doth almoft 
 turne his ftomack. But if yong men can in no 
 wife fancy old women, what loue think you yong 
 women can beare to old men, whe befid the fundry 
 imperfections of their age, which are fo loathfome, 
 that it is impoffible for a frefh yong tender damfell, 
 be fhee neuer fo vertuous, to endure the companye, 
 much lefle the kifles and imbraces of the perfone 
 which hath them, all the lufty gallahtes there- 
 abouts will no't faile to vfe whatfoeuer deuifes and 
 meanes poffible for the horninge of the olde dotard, 
 hoping that fhee wil bee eafily woon to wantonnes : 
 and furely they grond this hope on great likelihood, 
 for fith it is no difficult exploit to graft the like 
 kindnes on a yong mans forhead, who is able 
 in far better meafure to feede his wiues appetite, 
 and ihee hath therefore more caufe to be true to 
 him, it may furely feeme no great matter to per- 
 forme the like piece of feruice with this other 
 infortunate dame, who is almoft hunger ftarued 
 for lacke of the due beneuolence of wedlocke. 
 But now to returne to our young man, yoakt (as 
 before I faide) to this olde widdow, I conclude 
 that his eftate is moft miferable : for befides the 
 
266 THE BA JCHELARS BANQ VET. 
 
 daunger of his health, and befide the fubieftion, 
 nay rather feruitude which hee liues in, this third 
 euill, I meane his wiues iealoufie, is alone an 
 intollerable torment vnto him, fo that be he neuer 
 fo quiet, neuer fo defirous to content her, neuer fo 
 feareful to difpleafe her, yet cannot he auoyd her 
 brawles, obiedtions and fake accufations of lewdnes 
 and difloyaltie, for an olde woman infefted with 
 iealoufie, is like a hellifh furie : If he go to any of 
 her friends about any bufines, yea to the Church 
 to ferue God, yet will ihee alwayes thinke the 
 worft, and aflure her felfe, that he playes fake, 
 though indeede he be neuer fo continent, who 
 whatfoeuer he pleadeth in his owne defence, yea 
 though he proue himfelfe blameles by fuch reafons 
 as fhe can by noe reafon confute, yet will not all 
 this fatisfie her, fuch is the peruerfenes of her 
 ftubborne, crabbed, and mali[ti]ous nature, made 
 worfe by dotage and raiginge Iealoufie ; / for being 
 priuie to her owne defeftes, and knowing that he, 
 by reafon of his youth and hafomnes may perchance 
 fal in fauour with a yong dame, thinking withall 
 that a yong man, whe he may haue fuch a match, 
 wil be loth to leaue it for a worfe, or prefer four 
 veriuce before fweete wine, She cocluds peremptory 
 in thefe fugeftions as before. Lo here the ifl"ue of 
 this afles turning into Lobs pound, and intangling 
 of himfelf again, when he had once gotten out to 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 267 
 
 his former liberty ; which if he once more looke 
 for, he is mad, for he muft now perforce continue 
 there while life doth laft, which [by] this meanes will 
 be farre fhorter, and hee looke farre older, hauing 
 beene but two yeares married with this olde crib, 
 then if he had liued ten yeeares with a young wife. 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 "the humor of a young woman giuen ouer to al 
 kind of wantonnejfe. 
 
 nPHer is yet another humor that a woman is 
 ■^ fubiedt to, which is, when an vnfortunat 
 yong man, hauing long laboured to get into Lobs 
 pound, & hauing in the end obtained his defires, 
 doth match him-felfe with a lufty wanton young 
 wench, which without fear of him, or care of 
 her own credit, takes her pleafure freely, and 
 withal fo ouer boldly, and vnaduifedly, that 
 within a whil her hufband perceius it ; who there 
 vpon being not a little inraged, doth in the heate 
 of his impatience, after much brawling on both 
 fides, roughly and defperatly threaten her, thinking 
 therby to terrific her, & mak' her honeft by 
 compulfion : But that makes her worfe, for 
 whereas before fhe did it for wantonefs, now 
 will fhe do it for defpight : and what with the 
 
268 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 on and the other, be fo inflamed that were flie 
 fure to be killed for it, yet would fhe not leaue 
 it : Which he perceiuing, watcheth her doings 
 fo narrowly, that in the end he fees her fweet 
 hart com clofely to his hous; then / being on 
 fire with furie, runnes haftily to furprize him, 
 and enters his wiues chamber with full purpofe 
 to kill him, though he had ten thoufand Hues : 
 But iudge you in what a taking the poore yong 
 man is, in feeing himfelfe thus furprized, and 
 looking for nothing els but prefent death, becaufe 
 hee hath nothinge to defende himfelfe. But 
 fliee for whofe fake hee hath incurred this 
 daungere, doth kindely free him by this flratagem, 
 for as her hufbande is ready to fl:rike or flabe 
 him, {hee catcheth him hafliely aboute the middle, 
 cryinge out, Alafle" man what dooe you meane ? 
 While fhee thus flaies her huiband, the younkere 
 betakes him to his heeles, running downe the 
 ftaiers amayne, and out of the doores, as if the 
 diuell were at his tayle, and after him the good 
 man as fafte as hee can driue. But when hee 
 fees that he cannot ouertake him, hee turnes 
 backe in a like rage, to wreake his angere one 
 his wife. But fhee dreadinge as much, getes her 
 haflielye (before his returne) to her mothere, to 
 whome fhee complaineg of his caufelefTe fufpi- 
 tion and deuillifh furie, iuflifying her felfe, as 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 269 
 
 if ftie wer not the woman, that would commit 
 fo leaud a part : But her mother fifting the 
 matter narrowely, her daughter confefleth her 
 faulte; but to make it feeme the lefle flie teles 
 her a large tale of the younge manes importunity, 
 whoe for fo longe time together did continually 
 trouble her, and whether foeuer fhee wente hee 
 woulde bee fure to folow her, begging pitifully 
 her loue and fauour ; that flie had often fliarply 
 anfwere4 him, & flatly denied his fute, yet could 
 fhe not for all that be rid of him : fo that in 
 the end, /he was infordt for her own quietnes to 
 graunt his requeft. She repeats withall, how 
 kindly & intierly he loues her, how much he 
 hath beftoed on her, how many foule iournies 
 he hath had for her fake in rayne and fnowe, as 
 well by night as daye, in danger of theeues, in 
 perrill of his life, and how narroly he efcaped 
 her hufband the laft time, fo that for verye pittie 
 and compafion, flie was moued to fauour him, & 
 no woman could be fo hard harted, as to fufFer fo 
 true and kind a yong man to lan/guifti for her 
 loue, and die vnregarded : for on my life, mother 
 (faith fhe) if I had not yeelded, he woulde haue 
 dyed for thought. 
 
 The mother hearing her daughter to faye thus, 
 acceptes her anfwere for currant, and thinkes that 
 fhee hath fufficiently iuftified her felfe, but to 
 
a7o THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 preuent further fcandal, and to appeafe her angry 
 fonn in law, & reconcile her daughter vnto him 
 by calling a mift before his eyes, fhe takes this 
 cours, Ihe fends for her efpeciall golHp & com- 
 panions, whos counfels in like cafes Ihe doth vfe : 
 they comming at the firft cal, & being al alTembled 
 either before a good fier (if it bee winter) or in a 
 greene arbor (if it be fomer) one of the noting her 
 daughters heauy countenance demandes y caufe 
 therof : Mary, faith Ihe, Ihe hath had a mifchance 
 about which I haue made bold to trouble you, 
 & craue your aduice : with that fhe recounts the 
 whole matter vnto them, but fhewing the true 
 caufe of her hulbands anger ; to be Ihort, fhe hath 
 ready two or three pottles of wine, & a few iunkets, 
 which they prefently fal aboord, that they may the 
 better giue their feuerall verdits afterwards ; mean 
 whil they cofort the young woman, bidding her 
 aflure her felf, that hir hufband is more per- 
 plexed then Ihe : and that I know" by min own 
 experience, for my hufband and I wer one at 
 variance, but he could neuer be quiet til we wer 
 made frieds. In good faith goffip (faith another) 
 and fo ferued I min. Another makes a motion 
 to fed for the yong gallant that is fo true a louer 
 to her gofTipes daughter, that his prefence may 
 cheer her, & rid away her melanchoUy. This 
 motion doth hir mother faintly cotradict, but in 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 271 
 
 the end moft voices preuails, he is fent for, and 
 comes with a trice ; then ther is much good chat, 
 many a reproche and kinde fcofFe^ giuen the poore 
 hufband: And to mend the matter comes in the 
 chambermayd, who was priuie to all the former 
 clofe packing between her miftres and her fweete 
 hart, and for her filence and imployment in 
 furthering both their contents, fhe hath goten a 
 new gowne, and fomwhat els : it may be her 
 maifter hath fent her abroad about fome bufines, 
 or perhaps flie coines an excufe of / her felfe, 
 thereby to make a ftep abroad to fee her miftrefle, 
 and to bring her newes how al things go at home : 
 She hath no fooner fet a foote within the roome 
 wher they are, then one of them afkes how her 
 maifter doth ? My maifter (faith fhe) I neuer faw 
 a man in that taking : I dar fay that fine yefterday 
 morning when this misfortune happened, he hath 
 not eaten one crum, dranke one drop, or flept one 
 winke al yeftfer night. To day he fat down to 
 dinner, and put one bit in his mouth but could not 
 fwailow it, for he fpit it out prefently, and fat a 
 good while after in a dumpe : In the end ftriking 
 his knif on the table, he rofe haftily, and went into 
 the garden, and immediatly cam in again : To be 
 ftiort, he is altogether out of temper, and can reft 
 no where ; he doth nothing but figh and fob, and 
 he looks like a dead man : hereat they laugh apace. 
 
2,-2 THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 
 
 and to be fhort, they determine that two of the 
 chiefe of them, fhall goe and fpeak with him the 
 next morning, & that when they are in the midft 
 of their talk the reft flial come in afterward. 
 The mother with her two goffips, according to 
 this plot, doe proceede in the matter. And next 
 morning finding him in his dumpes, one of them 
 gentilly aflces him what he ayles ? herto he anfweres 
 onely with a figh : whereupon ftie takes occafion 
 thus to fpeak. In good faith goffip I muft chid 
 you, my goffip your wiues mother told mee I- 
 know not what of a difagreement betweene your 
 wife and you, and a certain fond humor that you 
 are fallen into : I wis I am forry to hear it : And 
 before God you are not fo wife as I had thought 
 you had ben, to wrong your wife thus without a 
 caufe, for I durft lay my life ther is no fuch matter. 
 By this good day (faith another) I haue knowne her 
 euer fince flie was a little one, both maide and wif, 
 and I neuer faw but wel by the wioma : And in 
 good footh it griues me to the very hart, that her 
 name fhold now come in queftion without caufe : 
 Before God you haue don the poore woman that dis- 
 grac, and fo ftained her good name, that you [will] 
 neuer be able to make her amendes. Then ftepes 
 in the chamber-maid with her fine eggs. In good 
 faith (faith fhe, I know not what my maifter hath 
 feene, or whereon hee doth / ground his fufpition. 
 
THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 273 
 
 but I take God to my witnes that I neuer faw 
 any fuch matter by my miftrefle, and yet I am fure 
 4:hat if there were any fuch thing, I fhould fee it 
 as foone as another. Gods body drab, faith he al 
 inragd, wilt thou face me downe of that which my 
 felf faw ? Oh goffip, quoth on of the dams, God- 
 forbid, that euery man and woman which is alone 
 together fhould do euill. I deny not, faith the 
 chamber-maide, that the villan knaue hath long 
 fued vnto my miftrefs for fuch a matter, but by 
 my honefty mafter, I know y there is neuer a man 
 aliue whom fhe hates more : and rather the fhe 
 would comit any fuch folly with him, Ihe would fe 
 him hagd and be burned her felf : I maruel how 
 the diuel hee got into the houfe. Here the other 
 goflips com in on after another, and each giues her 
 verdit : In good faith goffip, faith one, I think that 
 next your wif, ther is not a woman in the world 
 y loues you beter then I do : and if I knew or 
 thoght any fuch mater as you fufpect, be fure I wold 
 not let to tel you of it. Surely faith another, this 
 is but the diuels worke to fet them at variance, ^ 
 for he cannot abide that hufband and wif fhold 
 liue wel together. In good faith faith the third, the 
 poore woman doth nothing but weep. By Chrift 
 quoth the fourth I fear it wil cofl her her life, fhe 
 griues and takes on in fuch fort. Then comes.the 
 mother weeping & crying out, making as thogh 
 D. I. 18 
 
274 THE BA TCHELARS BANQ UET. 
 
 ihe would fcratch out his eies with her nails, 
 exclaiming in this fort. Ah curfed catifFe, woe 
 worth the hower that euer my daughter matcht 
 with thee, to be thus fhamed & flandered, & haue 
 her name fpotted without caus. But flie is well 
 enough ferued, that would take fuch a bafe churle, 
 when fhee might haue had fundry good gentlemen. 
 Ah good goflip, faith another, be not out of 
 patience. Ah goflip, faith fhee, if my daughter 
 were in fault, by our good lord I would kill her 
 my felf. But think ye I haue no caus to be 
 moued, when I fee my child, being giltles thus 
 vfed ? with that fhe flinges out of doores in a 
 rage, and all the goflips comes vpon him thicke & 
 threefold, who is fo full of fundrie thoughts, & fo 
 grieued and troubled, that he knowes not whereon 
 to refolue, nor what to fay. In the / end they 
 growing fomwhat calmer, promife if he wil, to 
 vndertake the recociling of him and his wife, 
 which he moft erneflJy defireth them to do. They 
 accordingly performe it, fo that al controuerfies 
 are ended, all flrife ceafed, the matter hufhed vp, 
 and his wife taken home again ; who taking greater 
 courage by the fuccefl*e hereof, and being now 
 cleane paft fhame, will grow farr bolder in her 
 villany then before. And the poore meacock on 
 the other fide, hauing his courage thus quailed, wil 
 neuer afterward fal at ods with her, for feare of 
 
THE BATCHELARS BANQUET. 275 
 
 the like ftorme, but wil fufFer her to haue her own 
 
 faying in al things, and be in a manner fubieft to 
 
 her, fpending the remnant of his life, in 
 
 care, feare, difcontent, and griefe, 
 
 his goods wafting he knowes 
 
 not how, and himfelfe a 
 
 laughing ftock to al 
 
 that knowes 
 
 him. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Printed by Hazelly Watson, &* Viney^ Limited^ London and Ayiesburv.