CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY FROM ilie 'Estate of G.L.Burr The original of tliis book is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924031449048 Putnam's Handbook of Etiquette A Cyclopaedia of Social Usage, Giving Manners and Customs of the Twentieth Century By Helen L. Roberts G. P. Putnam's Sons New York and London v:be '^icltetbocliet press Copyright, 1913 BY G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS /?»% Printed in the United Stales of America Dedicated TO The Three Graces, Aglaia, Thalia, and Euphrosyne, who presided over the banquet, the dance, and all social and elegant arts " These three on men all gracious gifts bestow Which deck the body or adorn the mind, To make them lovely or well favored show: As comely carriage, entertainment kind. Sweet semblance, friendly offices that bind, And all the compliments of courtesy; They teach us how to each degree and kind We should ourselves demean, to high, to low To friends, to foes, — which skill men call civility." Edmund Spenser. CONTENTS CHAPTER PAGE I. Introductions ..... i II. Calls 37 III. Cards 84 IV. Weddings . . . . . .112 V. Dinners 158 VI. The Graceful Knife and Fork . .211 VII. Balls and Dances .... 228 VIII. Luncheon and Breakfast Parties . 261 IX. Public Entertainments . . . 283 X. House Parties and House Guests . 302 XI. Etiquette for Spinsters . . . 336 XII. Etiquette for Bachelors . . . 346 XIII. Christenings 355 XIV. Servants 368 XV. The Etiquette of Sports and Games . 388 vi Contents CHAPTER PACB XVI. In the Street, Shopping, At Church . 406 XVII. Receptions 417 XVTII. Travelers by Land and Water . .441 XIX. For Very Young Folk . . . 460 XX. On Note and Letter Writing , . 473 XXI. Funerals 491 XXII. Courtship Courtesies . . . .512 XXIII. The Gentle Art of Conversation . 524 XXIV. Clubhouse Etiquette .... 540 •^XV. Home Etiqitette 549 XXVI. Private Readings, Musicales, and Theatricals 558 Index 565 The Cyclopaedia of Social Usage CHAPTER ONE INTRODUCTIONS The more elaborate phrases, once used for this cere- mony, have fallen out of fashion. To-day we say: How to "Mrs. Brown, allow me to present Mr. introduce Robinson," or, with even less formality : "Mrs. Brown, Mr. Robinson." When making an introduction, names should be enunciated clearly, and, in both forms given above, the rule followed is that of presenting the man to the woman. The mention of Mrs. Brown's name first, in the second of the two forms, impHes this distinction, which the gentler sex almost invariably enjoys. Exceptions to this rule rarely occur. However, a very young lady, whether married or single, might be presented to an elderly and distinguished gentleman. It would be eminently correct to introduce Miss Brown to Senator Jones, to Justice R., to Admiral A., or General T. But these gentlemen must all be introduced to a matron, or to a lady past her d^butanteship. Only to the President of the United 2 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e States and to a Cardinal, who takes rank as a prince of the Roman Catholic Church, are all women, of every age and social condition, presented. Between women of nearly the same age and of equal social status, a married one is accorded a slight precedence on the occasion of an introduction. Between two matrons, all things being equal, no distinction is drawn ; the iatroduction would be made thus: "Mrs. A., I believe you do not know Mrs. B.; Mrs. B.,Mrs.A." Matronhood has no superior rights when an unmar- ried woman is the elder of two women and the occupant as weU of an honored and important position. For example, you should present your yoimg friend, Mrs. B., to stately Miss A., the head of a coUege, or a notable philanthropist. Miss A. here takes the precedence, and, under the same rule, you should present yottr women friends, married or unmarried, to an eminent authoress, pianist, actress, or prima donna. An exalted artist claims a rank that requires a mark of deference. Usually, to the wives of high civil, military, or naval officials other women are presented. No American woman is ever presented to the holder of a foreign title. An English earl, a German baron, or an Italian marquis would be introduced to a lady quite as though he were a simple American citizen. No marked deference is, in the United States, shown to the title held by a foreign lady when introduced to one of her own sex. The distinction of age only would decide whether Lady B. should or should not be presented to Mrs. A. To a hostess, a feminine stranger under her roof would be presented, tmless the guest were a person- age of exalted position; as, for example, the wife of the Introdvictions 3 President of the United States or the Governor-General of Canada. To a hostess, a stranger and guest of either sex wotild nattirally be presented, except the President of the United States, a foreign representative or statesman of exalted position, or a gentleman claiming some royal titles and prerogatives. Ordinarily a hostess is con- sidered the lady of first importance in any assemblage. Under the same rule a masculine stranger is always presented to a host except in the case of the President or some foreigner holding a unique position. But a host does not claim this privilege of any woman, unless he is a venerable and distinguished person and the lady young and unmarried. When introducing two men of similar ages and equal social positions, it is only necessary to say: "Mr. A., Mr.B.,"—ox "Mr. A., do you know Mr. B.?" When introducing your acquaintances to your parents or grandparents, the presentations should be made thus — providing you and your progenitors have the same name : °, ^^"^ relatiTes "Mrs. B., I do not think you have met my mother, " — or "Mother, may I present Miss A. and Mr. B.?" Another form would be this : "Mrs. A., I so wish my father to know you," — or " Mrs. B., permit me to present my father. " It is conventional to introduce a sister or brother, son or daughter, as my sister, or my son, etc., when the friend introduced may safely be left to infer that the name of your relative is the same as your own. But a married woman introduces her sister as my sister, 4 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Miss (or Mrs.) B.; her mother, as my mother, Mrs. A. When introducing relatives, it is always more friendly and satisfactory to indicate the degree of relationship existing. Thus it is proper to say : "My uncle, Mr. B." — or "My cousin. Miss A." On the other hand, when a gentleman makes an introduction between his better half and a friend, he does not use the expression : " My wife,- Mrs. B." On introducing a man to your wife, the proper phraseology would be: "Robinson, I wish to present you to my wife. " When a husband presents a lady to his wife, the introduction is made according to the rules already given on page 2. A wife introduces her husband formally to a lady in this way: "Mrs. A., may I present my husband to you?" When a woman's husband possesses the title of judge, general, or senator, she does not present him as Judge B. or General B. When you have asked two persons to your house for the special ptupose of making them known to each other, or when your desire is to promote ore e ora e conversation and a prompt understanding between two strangers just introduced, you are privileged to elaborate somewhat on the fore- going stereotyped phrases. In the first instance sug- gested above, you may pronounce the introduction thus: ' ' / am so pleased, Mrs. A., at the opportunity of having you and Mrs. B. meet, "- Introdxictiona 3 "Miss A., you will let me have the great pleasure of presenting Mr. B. to you, "■ — or "Miss Brown, this is my cousin, Mary L., who has long cherished a great desire to know you." On the second special occasion referred to, a tactful instinct naturally suggests that some reference to the identity or tastes of the persons introduced will serve as first aid to conversation. When, then, you intro- duce a shy guest, you are privileged to say helpfully: "Miss A., let me present Mr. B., who has motored all over the portions of France you are proposing to visit in the spring," — or "Mrs. A., you should know Miss B., who comes from your part of the country. " Some kindly elaboration on the wording usually prescribed for introductions often assists most bene- ficially in establishing immediate friendly relations. As a hostess you are frequently '^ *^ ?. ^ ■> -i. J avoided entitled to use fuller formulas when intro- ducing strangers who are to go in to dinner together, who are to sit side by side at luncheon parties, or who meet on your days at home. But this ticketing of a guest, as it is sometimes called, must not be carried to an excess. Indiscreet indeed, for example, is considered the lady who, with better intentions than discrimina- tion, presents her friend as "the father-in-law of our famous novelist, John B.," or inconsiderately identifies an unassuming person as ' ' Miss B. , the cousin of Admiral T. " Such a proceeding is not in good taste, since it implies that the friend introduced is laying claim to the poor distinction of reflected glory, or that you are some- what boastfully determined to have it known that your drawing-room is frequented by at least the relatives of 6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e the renowned. And by the same token you must never, should a tnily famous individual honor your roof, men- tion the great person's achievements when making any introductions in which the lion of the moment takes part. Bear in mind that celebrated folk are often peculiarly sensitive. The attitude you should assume as most complimentary to their fame is that it is too well known to require advertisement. It is held not to be good usage, under the social standards of the United States, to utiUze for a wife the professional title of her husband. In Germany, these titles belong to the wife as a matter of social right, and they doubtless have some convenience for a qxiick decision on the part of the hostess in arranging pre- cedence with guests with whom she is not familiar. One does, from time to time, in American circles, hear the husband's title connected with the wife, as Mrs. General A., or Mrs. Dr. B.: but such a practice may be properly classed as an error, and it should certainly be discouraged. Even the wives of otir presidents have never assumed any official title and have been introduced as Mrs. Cleveland, Mrs. Roosevelt, Mrs. Taft, etc. If the occasion arises for introducing an individual who claims something more distinctive than the simple Mr. before his stimame, try to take every o ucmg precaution to employ the title very cor- titled persons ^ r j j rectly. Do not present naval and mili- tary men otherwise than as Mr. A. or Mr. B. unless you know that their rank carries the use of a title, and, on the other hand, remember that to ignore a legitimate title is to be guilty of a serious error. Never introduce a Protestant clergyman as The Reverend John Jones, or Introductions 7 The Reverend Mr. Jones. Unless a clergyman claims the use of the title Doctor, he is spoken to and of as Mr. Sometimes it is both graceful and discreet to introduce a reverend gentleman thus : "Mrs. A., let me present Mr. B., our new rector," — or "Mr. B., I wish to present you to Dr. A., the rector of All Saints. " A bishop is introduced, whether of the Methodist or Episcopal denomination, as Bishop Brown; a dean as Dean Brown, and a deacon, when you are aware that he is commonly so addressed, as Deacon Brown. The Roman Catholic clergy are always introduced with the full use of their titles. A priest, for instance, is spoken of as Father Brown or Jones. Other friends and acquaintances in the Catholic clergy would be introduced as Monsignor A., Bishop B., and Archbishop C. But, for a Cardinal, the utmost ceremony is always used. The formula used would be this : " Your Eminence, permit me to introduce Mr. A., " — or "Mrs. B., may I have the honor of presenting you to his Eminence?" Not often in the United States is the appellation Honorable employed in connection with a man's name. When presenting a gentleman so distinguished to assem- bled banqueters, or on a rostrum, its use is imperative ; but in the drawing-room an Honorable Thomas Brown would be presented as Mr. Brown. We introduce legal personages as Judge Jones, or Justice Jones, according to the titles they claim in the courts where they preside. The president of a college or university is introduced as Mr. A. unless he uses the title Doctor. Members of the President's Cabinet are introduced as Secretary A. or B. A member of the House of Representatives is always presented as Mr. A., but a senator is addressed as 8 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage Senator A. in the social as well as in the political world. As has been said before, the President not only takes precedence of every one else in the United States, but he assumes his title when persons are presented to him. Very formally, an introduction between the head of the Republic and anyone else would be made thus : ' ' / have the honor, sir, to present to you Mr. A . or Mr. B." Informally, the introduction would be made in these words : " Mr. President, may lintroduce Mrs. (or Miss) A.?" — or "Miss A., permit we to present you to the President." The Vice-President is for all occasions Mr. A . or Mr. B., tmless he claims the use of the title Doctor, or unless he is formally and officially presented as The Honorable John J. A governor and a mayor are introduced as Governor Jones, Mayor Brown. Here let a stiU, small word of warning be spoken to any well-meaning but thoughtless person against introducing gentlemen as ex-President, ex-Governor, or ex-Mayor. All gentlemen, except judges who have once held high elective positions, do not carry their titles with them when they retire from active public service. This rule, of course, does not hold good with naval and military men, who, whether in service or retired, are always given their titles with the greatest exactitude. And this is the case whether the title has been gained in the regular or voluntary service. When introducing an individual who holds a foreign title, the rule of expressing the title very nearly as it is used in ordinary conversation is followed. For example, it is customary to introduce Introductions 9 an English baronet or knight as Sir John Jones; his wife as Lady Jones. A marquis, baron, earl, or vis- count would be introduced as Lord A .; the wives of the above as Lady A .; a duke as The Duke of Blankshire, a duchess as The Duchess of B. The eldest son of a duke is spoken of as Lord Blanke. Younger sons and the daughters of a duke are introduced as Lord John Blanke, Lady Mary Blanke, etc. Not always are the children of a marquis, a baron, or an earl endowed with titles. When they are, the titles are used as has been given for the children of a duke. When, however, the sons and daughters of an earl or baron claim only the title of Honorable, this prefix is never used when making introductions, save on public and official occasions. For all social ceremonies they are spoken to and of as are the children of a knight or a baronet, that is to say, as Mr. and Miss. French, German, and Italian persons who hold aristo- cratic titles are introduced as Prince B., Princess A., Baron or Baroness T. , Count or Countess L. A continen- tal duke or marquis, duchess or marquise, is introduced as The Duke of R., The Marquise F. A hostess, if seated, always rises, unless a very elderly or an invalid lady, and holds out her hand to greet any stranger introduced to her. This courtesy is obligatory; also such How to accept ,. , •' a J ' ^jj introduction poute phrases as, "/ am very glad to meet you, Mr. A., " — or " This is a great pleasure, Mrs. B. " A host comes forward to greet a stranger introduced to him with outstretched hand and the same acknowl- edgment in words that a hostess employs. A man who is not a host, when introduced to a woman, waits to see to Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e if the lady offers her hand before extending his own. And she of the gracious manner always does so when a gentleman is presented to her. Involtmtarily she also offers her hand when introduced to one of her own sex, unless the stranger is obviously her elder, or a person who observes the most reserved stateHness of manner. In such circumstances it would be the part of wisdom to wait for the cordial gestm-e to be made by the vener- able dowager or the more coldly formal individual. But a hostess waits not upon any one's initiative. No matter how many strangers are presented to her in quick succession, she must immediately bestow a friendly pressure of the hand. Occasions on which a woman need not offer her hand arise when she is introduced casually and for the sake of a momentary convenience on the street or at a crowded exhibition ; also when she is presented in quick succession to a number of persons composing a theatre, picnic, or card party. In response to every name men- tioned, to bow and smile slightly, looking directly at the person indicated, is a sufficient acknowledgment. Otherwise, insistence on handshaking all around a large group retards the progress of the entertainment or hinders the hostess unduly. It is nothing less than crude and rude to fail to respond to an offered hand when an introduction is made ; and more especially is it unldnd to affect not to see the hand put out by a shy young man, or an impul- sive girl who labors under a misapprehension of the more finikin rulings of a local or individual custom. A woman always rises to acknowledge an introduc- tion to one of her own sex, or to her host ; also to any member of her hostess's family who is not very much her jtmior. If a young lady or a man is brought up for 1 ntrodvictions 1 1 introduction to a matron well past her youth, the elder woman does not rise, nor does a woman of any age rise in acknowledgment when a man is presented to her, unless she is a hostess, or tmless the man presented is her host, or a gentleman of very distingidshed position or a very elderly person. A man rises to accept any and all introductions. At a private entertainment, when two strangers of the opposite sex are seated side by side and a third person introduces them, the gentle- man immediately rises and stands until the introduction is complete. In a crowded concert-haU or theatre, in a church before a ceremony begins, at private theatricals, or a drawing-room musicale, the man who is introduced to a lady does not rise to acknowledge the honor of her acquaintance. He who is introduced to a belated woman guest at a dinner party, card party, luncheon, or supper, should rise from the table, if possible, to bow his acknowledgment and remain standing until the lady is seated. But if the introduction is made to a woman already seated beside or opposite him, he would merely bow in response to her acceptance of the presen- tation. Rising to acknowledge an introduction is not always an essential courtesy between men of equal ages, and where it is somewhat inconvenient to do so. A gentleman must rise, however, to receive an introduc- tion to his host, to his hostess's son, to an elderly gentle- man, to a distinguished member of any profession, and to the son or escort of a lady when she makes the intro- duction. Ordinarily, on introduction, men shake hands in friendly fashion, with sHght question as to who should take the initiative in the matter, unless it is a case of one man introduced to a group of gentlemen; then courteous bows are sufficient. 12 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e A hostess, as has been stated in a foregoing para- graph, is the first to give verbal acknowledgment to an introduction. A host also takes the What to say initiative and expresses his pleasiore; but, when introduced as a rule, between men and women, the woman is expected to be the first to speak. In reply- to a hostess's kind greeting, a guest of either sex may reply, in lieu of more graceful or original inspiration: " Thank you, " — or " You are very kind. " When one individual is introduced to a group, it is best to say nothing. An elderly man correctly begins the conversation with a young woman to whom he has been presented. Otherwise, the burden of the first speech falls entirely on the woman, if the man prefers it to be so. He is privileged to wait, as dumb as an Indian, until the lady opens the conversation with some pretty conventionality. But it is not absolutely essential, save for a host or hostess, to express any special verbal gratification on making new acquain- tances. It is enough, in ordinary circumstances, to utter the fixed and rather banal phrase: "How do you do, Mr. A.?" When, though, an introduction is made by pre- arrangement, something more than a polite banality must be offered. One lady may say then to another, or to a gentleman : "7 am very glad to meet you, " — or " / am so glad at last to have this opportunity, Miss A. " A hostess introduces entirely on her own initiative. The friend who appears in her drawing-room for the first time and seems to find no acquaintances among the persons assembled there, must be introduced to the Introductions I3 majority of his or her fellow-guests. Naturally, at a large and crowded festivity, it is not possible for the most conscientious hostess to ftdfiU her duty in this respect absolutely, without "^"^ * ''"s*®^^ putting herself and others to great incon- ductions venience. But, when entertaining in a small way, it is essential to see that guests who seem at all strange to the assembled company are fully intro- duced. A hostess is never obliged to ask permission to introduce one of her guests to another, and she will do wisely never to adopt the awkward pretence that her roof serves as an introduction. In some circles of smart society in England and in ultrafashionable America, this is done, on the understanding that all the friends of a hostess are on an absolute equality when they meet in her drawing-room. Therefore, they are entitled to speak freely to one another. This interpretation of the sacred tie of hospitality leads often to misunderstandings. A sensible hostess makes it her particular business to introduce all her friends to her guest of honor, and, at a large or small reception, she wlU do very well to entertain with the assistance of a daughter, sister, or niece, who is privileged to make introductions wherever they are needed. At a dinner party it is of paramount importance to introduce those strangers who are to go in to table together. This same rule holds good for Ixmcheon and supper parties, card and theatre parties. The hostess tries to sefe that everybody is introduced before the active entertaining begins. A thoughtful lady should ask a man or woman who appears for the first time at her house on a festive occasion: '' Do you think you know nearly every one here? " — or 14 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e "Pray let me introduce you to some of my friends whom you have not met yet. " At a ball, a hostess must never fail to keep a carefiil eye out for lonely folk, and take pains to see that her young guests are thoroughly introduced. A married host is privileged, when he assists his wife in entertaining, to make as many introductions as he pleases. He shares with his wife at din- When a host j^gj. paj-^jgg i)^Q business of presenting makes introduc- , , , ,. , , tions gentlemen to the ladies they are to take in to table. Later, in the dining-room, where cigars are being discussed, he introduces those gentlemen who have not met before. A bachelor host never entertains a mixed assemblage of men and women without the aid of some friendly matron. To her he first and formally introduces aU those of his guests whom she does not know. In all other respects he carries on his introductions as independently and as thoroughly as a hostess. If you have received permission to bring a man or woman friend or relative to an entertainment given by a hospitable neighbor, your companion es or women j-^^g^ ^g presented to your hostess imme- guests ,. , . , 1 . diately upon entering her drawing-room. As promptly as possible thereafter you should contrive to introduce your host and your companion. After this you must needs see that the person who accom- panies you is made known to the majority of your own friends in the gay assemblage. When chaperoning a young lady at a ball, your obvious duty is to try to introduce to her such young men as are available for dancing partners. It is not necessary for a chaperon Introductions I5 to ask the young men whom she knows whether they would like to meet her protegee. The right of a chaperon to make such introductions is tmquestioned. If the friend who accompanies you to a ball is a young lady of your own age, you should play the part of secondary hostess in her behalf and present to her your own partners. Should y6ur companion be of the opposite sex you are permitted, if he is your brother, cousin, or other accredited escort, to present him to yotu" friends at convenient moments for all parties concerned. When you attend a baU, tmder the protection of such a chap- eron as your mother, aunt, very much older sister, or an obliging matron friend who is not herself an active participator in the dancing, courtesy demands that you try to introduce most of your partners to your dignified duenna. A guest, as a rule, does not formally introduce two strangers whom she has herself but just met. However, when you find yourself seated at a dinner- or eard-table between two persons who obviously have not been introduced and seem inclined to share your conversation, you are privileged to say: "Mr. A., do you know Mr. B. ?" — or "Miss A., Miss B." By this means you reUeve any momentary con- straint, and yet do not pretend to commit the partici- pants in the introduction to any futiire acquaintance. The man who accompanies a friend or relative of either sex to a house where his companion is a total stranger, makes all haste to present his friend first to the hostess and then to the R"lesfor^mascu- host. Should he play the part of escort at a ball or reception to a sister or feminine friend, he does not seek out the host with the lady for whom he is responsible, but keeps on the watch for a chance to i6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e present his host at the earHest moment convenient. A man, in these circumstances, is permitted to bring up all his masculine friends and present them to his fair charge. He moves more warily, though, in making introductions between his companion and other women, unless he coimts warm friends among them. He would take his protegee across a room to present her to a lady who is obviously her senior, but otherwise his best coiirse is to take the opporttmities as they naturally present themselves for making introductions. When a masculine companion is dependent upon him, he takes his friend about and freely presents him to all the ladies with whom he claims more than a bowing acquaintance, and to all his men friends. This coturse is to be pur- sued safely when the stranger for whose pleasure he feels responsible is a relative, or a visitor from some distant neighborhood. Otherwise, when a guest piir- poses to introduce a fellow-guest, varying conditions may counsel the observance of certain helpful precau- tions, as set forth in the following paragraph: In former times, when chaperonage was rather strict in its nalings, aU masculine friends of a young lady were expected to ask permission before bring- Asking permis- ^g ^p ^^^ presenting their men friends L^teoduction* ^ to her. To-day this formaUty is only observed when a gentleman is excessively punctiHous in aU his social duties ; when he knows the lady in the case but slightly, or when he has reason to doubt whether the introduction wiU be welcome to one of the parties c'oncemed. Formerly at aU festive gatherings, any man, other than the host, asked the chaperon's permission to present masc\iline friends to her charge. Then the aspirant to the young lady'e acquaintance was introduced first to the chaperon. Introductions I7 Such a cautious course may still be followed when a debutante appears at a dance under her mother's eye. To-day, however, a careful man, when fearful of pre- sumption, may ask his feminine friend's permission to present John Jones. This he would do when he is aware that the lady is a rather exclusive person or, when the Jones in question, who has asked to be introduced, has been for a long time a member of the same set in society as the lady whom he desires to meet. In behalf of a relative, or a stranger from a distant locality, a gentleman asks the privilege to make an introduction in this fashion : ' ' Have I your permission to present my friend Jones ? ' ' ■ — or "Miss A., my sister wishes so much to know you; may I present her?" A woman, similarly placed, always wisely asks if an introduction will be agreeable before venturing to make it. This precaution she may take before presenting a friend of either sex to a woman she knows but slightly, or to an individual who is very busy, very exclusive, or hyperfastidious. But aside from these eccentricities of individual temperaments, it sometimes happens that, for specific reasons, fellow-residents in a neighborhood, having dis- continued their acquaintance, are awkwardly placed by a heedless third party who insists upon making an embarrassing introduction. Thus, it is requisite to take thought in advance a little when, as a guest, the opportunity or necessity for introduction arises. A guest, however, is never entitled to refuse an introduction made by a host or hostess. Even if your hostess presents you to your bitterest enemy, under' 1 8 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e her roof and in her presence you must appear to accept the situation with good grace. You must take it for granted that she has made the mistake Refusing an ^^ complete ignorance of your disHke for intToduction jt o ^ ^ yoMT fellow-guest, and while bowing and smiling in response to the ceremony she has performed, you need not feel that any future recognition of its validity is involved. However, if your hostess asks if you would like to be presented to Miss Jones, whose acquaintance you wotild prefer to avoid, you may not decline the introduction imless you have a very cogent reason for so doing. If at the moment you have no chance to explain yourself fully, it is enough to say : "/ think I had better not be presented to Miss Jones. Her family and mine are not very friendly. " Having been thus definite, you need not fear that yotir hostess will insist ; but if your excuse for avoiding an introduction is a frivolous one, your hostess has every reason to feel armoyed. A young man at a baU, who purposes to remain but a short time on the festive scene, who does not dance, or has in advance arranged for aU his dances, may correctly ask to be excused when a fellow-guest desires to present him to Miss A. or to Miss B. Then he states his good reasons for refusing the friend's kind offices. He cannot refuse to be introduced to a young lady by her hostess, her chaperon, her brother, or her fiance. A chaperon may only in the most exceptional cir- cumstance refuse to introduce a young man to her charge. Neither host nor hostess has a right to refuse to intro- duce a guest who requests presentation to another guest. A hostess, however, when she has reason to believe that the request is most unfortunately preferred. Introductions I9 may try to postpone the awkward situation indefinitely by saying : "I do not think I can interrupt Miss A . in her conversa- tion at this moment; so pray let me present you to Mrs. B.,"-~OT " Could you postpone joining Miss A. just now and let me introduce you to my friend Miss B. ? ' By kindly evasion a host or hostess is not only privi- leged but almost obligated to try to avoid an awkward moment for a guest. A hostess cannot, for instance, teU Mr. A. that she prefers not to present him to Mrs. B., nor is she entitled to say that she will ask Mrs. B.'s permission. If Mr. A. is rather insistent upon being presented, his hostess must introduce him with all formality. It is presumptuous indeed to ask a stranger, to whom you have just been presented, for an introduction to another. Cautious and discreet persons rarely ask to be introduced, preferring that these good offices should be volunteered. Under this heading may be grouped a large number of introductions that are made with a view to evading momentary awkwardness. When you meet a friend in the street or other public introductions place, and pause to exchange a few words, it is not necessary to introduce your companion. Never- theless, if you stop to talk for more than a moment, and your companion fails to walk on slowly, it is neces- sary to introduce the strangers by saying: "Miss A., Mr. B." Such an introduction is not considered the basis of future acquaintance. The persons introduced may only bow and smile, saying: 120 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e "How do you do"? — or "Good-morning," and pass on. When they exchange conversation and shake hands at parting, the introduction then asstames as much importance as they may choose to give it. Persons who take part in a game and are introduced rather briefly and for convenience' sake may con- sider such an introduction unimportant, unless they play as partners or fall into conversation together. Then it becomes as valid as a ceremonious presentation. Shy men and women are often at a loss to decide whether they are to accept as binding an introduction made purely for convenience. Thus, when Mrs. A., in talk with Mrs. B., draws Mrs. C, who stands near, into the conversation, by sajring : "Oh, Mrs. C, you know a great deal of the hotels at ; perhaps you will tell Mrs. B. about them;" Mrs. C. here presumes that Mrs. A. does not know that she and Mrs. B. have never met before. Never- theless, she may enter freely into the task of giving her opinion and into the talk of the two ladies, with the result that a query arises in her mind when she meets Mrs. B. face to face. Undoubtedly she would then bow and expect to be treated by Mrs. B. qtiite as if a formal introduction had taken place. When one lady calls by appointment on another, to ask for the character of a servant or to solicit a subscrip- tion to some charity or public movement, they should afterward in public acknowledge a kind of introduction by bowing. If they meet in the hovise of a common friend they should speak. Occasions often arise when f eUow-guests talk together without having been introduced; then occur exceptions to the rule against accepting a hostess's roof as an Introductions 21 introduction. At big receptions and other elaborate functions, loquacious or kindly persons sometimes ven- ttue to speak to strangers. A matron or any elderly lady is free to address herself to men and women alike. She is even privileged to go ^^ introductioa so far as to introduce a newly found femi- nine protegee to her friends, asking for the stranger's name and giving her own as preliminaries. This initia- tive should not be taken with members of a party who seem sufficiently provided with friends and acquain- tances, or is it permissible to attempt to take part in a conversation between fellow-guests who are strangers. A young lady at a large entertainment is free to address another of her own sex and her own age who appears to be alone. But a yotmgish woman alone at any elabor- ate private entertainment would be wisely apt to think twice before speaking to a man. None of these restric- tions applies, of course, to the young or elderly lady who serves as a sort of auxiliary hostess to the busy mistress of the house. She may speak to any and every one who seems lonely, ofifering them refreshment and introduc- tions and her own company. A woman guest alone and in a somewhat isolated position at a gay assemblage, when addressed with an evidently friendly intent by one of her own sex, must not assxime an air of chiUy amazement at the presumption. It should be borne in mind that a little talk with a stranger standing near by at a large at-home carries no outside obligations with it. On the other hand, it may lead to future, charming friendships. At a big private ball or reception, it is both gauche and unamiable for a woman of any age to appear alarmed or insulted if she is approached by a masculine stranger with the ofifer of an ice, a cup of tea, a chair, or 22 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e a request for a dance. Rare is the man who presumes so far unless actuated by the kindliest motives and encouraged by the fact that the woman he addresses seems to be alone. A sensible man does not thrust his good offices upon a lady who is plentifully provided with companions. To courteous overtiu-es, made by one who is obviously a gentleman, a woman must reply in gracious fashion. She may or may not accept the favors offered, and she may or may not prolong the conversation, but, when turning from him, it must be with a smile and inclination of the head. When a woman accepts attentions offered in the cir- cumstances just set forth, she carries on the conversa- tion as with a person formally introduced, but she does not ask for the gentleman's name or give him her own unless she finds that he and she have other friends in common beside the host and hostess, and unless their talk has been most agreeably prolonged. Then, on turning to leave a drawing-room, she follows good usage by saying: "Good afternoon, Mr. .?" — or "Good-by, and please tell me to whom I am indebted for my tea. " At a dance she may correctly say : "Please tell me your name that I may present you to my chaperon." In answer to a lady's request for his name, a gentle- man would reply, in response to the first query given above with "Brown" or "Jones." To the second and third of the above queries he must needs give his answers thus: "Harold Brown," — or "Henry Jones is my name." Now, however ardently a man may desire to know Introductions 23 the name of an agreeable feminine guest to whom he has been of service, he has no right to ask this information of her. She may reveal her identity in the course of their talk, but, if this does not happen, he is not at liberty to assume her prerogative and request an ex- change of names. Indeed, he must wait for her to volunteer it when she asks for his. If she gives him her name, he may fully expect her, when next they meet in public or in the house of a common friend, to accept him as an acquaintance. If she merely asks his name, but does not give her own; or if she leaves him with only a bow and smile, he need not be surprised if she waits, on a next meeting, for an introduction, or bows with extreme formality. At so intimate an entertainment as a dinner, supper, or luncheon, or at a card party, where the same table is shared for a length of time, a woman need not hesi- tate to speak first to an unintroduced masculine neigh- bor. His response to her initiative must be prompt and polite in the extreme, and later, in the course of the en- tertainment, if she has exchanged with him more than the baldest of commonplaces, he may venture to claim her conversation and offer her small attentions. In the futtire, in public, she should always bow in passing. The ceremony is accomplished in some such terms as : ' ' I am venturing to introduce myself, Mrs. A., as I have heard so much of you from . + T'T^ my sister, Mary L. I am Grace L.,"- — or "T am Mrs. B., Miss J., and knew your mother so well thai I feel I must speak to you. " The person to whom such overtures are made must accept the introduction quite in the orthodox manner. But when one woman introduces herself to another for 94 C^^dopaedia of Social Usa^e the purpose of asking a servant's character or request- ing contributions to a charity, etc., she changes the formula, saying: "Mrs. B., I am Mrs. W., or Mrs. John W." If a single woman addresses herself to a member of her own sex, and one whom she regards as her equal or her superior, she must say: "Mrs. B., I am Mary L." According to the strict interpretation of the law of good manners, a woman does not introduce herself to a man who is her superior, equal, or inferior. Instead of pronouncing any elaborate formula or explanation, to a man whom she regards as her social superior, she merely identifies herself, saying: "I believe I am speaking to General R. I am Mary B. " To a masculine equal she would say: " This is Mr. B., is it not ? I am Miss T. " To a man of social position inferior to her own she would identify herself as to an equal. A woman who introduces herself stands while doing so. For a business introduction she does not offer her hand, but when the condescension is on her side, as well as the advantage of years, and the object of the intro- duction is not purely formal, she offers her hand while making herself known to one of her own or the opposite sex. A man to whom a woman identifies herself stands at once, bows, and shaking hands on her initiative says: " This is a great pleasure (or honor) , Mrs. (or Miss),B. " When introducing himself, a man does not ever give his name as Mr. B., or Mr. Henry B. As the host, he presents himself to her thus : "I am taking the liberty of introdticing myself, Miss Introductions ^5 A,, as my wife is too engrossed with duties to present me. J am Edward B." In circumstances of the utmost formality, a man in- troduces himself to a woman thus : "/ have the honor, I believe, of addressing Mrs. A. My name is John R. " The gentleman who is a host and introduces himself to a lady offers his hand when so doing. Otherwise, for formal or informal occasions, he bows only when presenting himself. It is not advisable, nor is it exactly fair, to request a letter of introduction of any but an intimate friend. If you ask this favor of one with whom you may claim a formal acquaintance, you A^dng for must be prepared to accept a refusal with introduction good grace, for no discreet man or woman ever gives such a letter to a comparative stranger. You are not privileged to beg a letter of introduction for the use of some one the writer of the letter does not know. The only exception to this rule would be cases in which you desire to serve a near relative or have urgent charitable or business reasons for making the demand; and where, in addition, it is impossible for you to bring the writer and bearer of the letter together before the missive is prepared. Should you, in the circumstances just outlined, ask this favor of a close friend, you must not feel annoyed if your usually obliging intimate gently refuses. Many persons wait to have letters of introduction offered. These considerate ones prefer to go without rather than request a favor that might prove embarras- sing, or rather than incur a refusal. Still, in the case of two persons between whom years of pleasant associa- tion may be counted, it is a proof of confidence and 26 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e good feeling for one to make this request of the other quite f ranldy, saying : "As I shall be some six weeks in Chicago and alone, I wonder if you would ask some oj your friends or family to call upon me, "■ — or "My brother and I are to be in England this summer; could you give us a letter or two of introduction?" If, without your encouragement, letters of intro- duction are offered you by tactless friends or a pre- sumptuous acquaintance, you may only civilly refuse them by saying that you will not have time or the opportunities to use them. Between old or very good friends, it is eminently proper for one to offer another letters of introduction, and it is a degree more cordially kind Gijdng or with- ^^ yolimteer good offices in this direction ductory letters than to wait to have the favor asked. If, though, you have strong doubts of good consequences flowing from a letter, do not let your desire to seem obliging force you over the bounds of propriety. Let us suppose, for example, that your dear neighbor, Mrs. A., asks you to give her a letter to Mrs. B., who, you have reason to know, would not at all care for Mrs. A.'s acquaintance. Your duty here, both to Mrs. A. and to Mrs. B., requires you to evade the issue by saying ; "/ am so sorry, hut Mrs. B. is one of my very charm- ing friends of whom, in some respects, I stand rather in awe, and I do not as a rule give letters to her, "■ — or "I think, if you do not mind, I had better write and see if I cannot arrange to have Mrs. B. call upon you; she is a very busy person. " Now, whatever your kindliness of heart may be, you Introductions 27 have no right to ask any one to honor a letter of intro- duction which you have written on behalf of a total stranger. If your best of friends asks you to issue a letter introducing her son, daughter, nephew, or niece to one of your relatives, you are privileged to do so, even if you are only vicariously acquainted with the bearer of the letter. You are also safe in sending a relative of a friend with your letter to a distant business associate. But, for the friends of your friends who are strangers to you, you must not put pen to paper. Of course, in exceptional cases, where very special condi- tions are involved, no hard-and-fast rule ever counts, but the law against granting such letters usually applies to those persons who are mere acquaintances, to those whom you hold in sHght esteem, and to total strangers. When your principles are staunch on these points, you may say, if you choose : "/ am sorry, Mrs. A., but I do not think I know you well enough to give you a letter to Mrs. B., " — or "I regret to refuse, Mrs. A., but I never write intro- ductions for strangers. " Such refusals are, by the letter of the law of etiquette, quite justified. But an amiable man or woman usually prefers to soften a declension by saying : "I fear I do not know Mrs. B. well enough to give you a letter to her, " — or "Mrs. B. is so preoccupied with her new book (or illness in her household) that I do not think I had better make any further demands on her time just now. " Is it necessary to add that you must never write a letter or give a card of introduction for presentation to any man or woman with whom you can boast only the shortest and most formal acquaintance? Neither your desire to be obliging nor your pride should prevent eS Cyclopaedia of Social Usag;e yotir confession that you do not know Mrs. B. well enough to send any one to her on the strength of your written credential. The only exceptions to this rule arise in professional or business circles, or when the person you introduce seeks, through the medium, to offer services or assis- tance to the addressee of the letter. It is not considered kind to give a letter of introduction for presentation at a. house where heavy mourning has just been donned by the ladies of the family, at a house where elaborate preparations for removal, for renovation, for a wedding, or the installation of household goods are in active progress. Persons who are struggling with sudden dis- tressfiil financial reverses, with recent disgrace, with illness or persistent invalidism, or long convalescence, should not be asked to honor such letters. A woman writes for her men or her women friends letters of introduction, but she does not write for her feminine friend or relative a letter to be presented to a masculine friend or connection — unless a matter of business is involved, or unless the lady introduced is very yoimg and the gentleman an elderly bachelor or widower, and a person of decided importance in the social or political world. If you wish your voyaging sister, or yoiir neighbor Mrs. A., to meet your agreeable friend Mr. B., who dwells in New York or London, the proper method of procedure would be to write Mr. B., asking him to expect the lady's card by post on her arrival in his town, and requesting him to call on her in your name and behalf. A man gives letters of introduction to his masctiline associates of the social or business world for presenta- tion to his distant men and women friends alike. But a man does not, as a rule, write letters of introduction Introductions 29 for his feminine friends. For his women relatives he might do so, introducing a young sister or cousin to a kind dowager or spinster with whom he claims a long and warm acquaintance. He would also give a lady a letter to a business friend with whom she purposes to have business deahngs. But in all other circumstances, and on behalf of his feminine world, he writes ahead asking Mr. A. and Mrs.' B. to be kind to Miss C. who is about to visit their locality, and who wUl post her cards to them announcing her arrival in their neighborhood. Strive to express yourself briefly and adhere closely to the object and subject of the missive. Private concerns, news, and irrelevant . .^t^ VLl topics have no place in these missives. letters The introduction should be gracefully and adequately accomplished on a page or a page and a half of a note-sheet. In lieu of individual inspiration, you may express yourself somewhat after the stereotyped but safe formulas given below: Dear Mrs. W. : My friend, Miss H. E., purposes, during her sojourn in the South, where she goes to recuperate after a severe ill- ness, to spend several weeks in your charming city. I do not feel I can do her a greater service than recommend her to your kind interest, which meant so much to me last year. The memory of those delightful hours spent under your hospitable roof I recall with infinite pleasure. Please give my kindest regards to Mr. W. and your daughters, and with many thanks for the courtesies you^ may show Miss E., I am, as always. Yours most sincerely, Mary Blanke. 30 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Dear Professor M.: My husband and I will feel so appreciative of any kind- nesses that you may show our friend and neighbor, Mr. J. S., who goes to your city to take the post of curator of the fine art museum. I have promised Mr. J. S. a great pleasure in knowing you, and feel sure that you wiU find in him a valued addition to the agreeable society of which M is so justifiably proud. With best wishes, in which my husband joins, Believe me, yours cordially, Mary Blanke. Dear Miss A.: May I presume on our long friendship and your well- known amiability to ask your interest in behalf of my sis- ter Mary, who will be stopping at the House for a few weeks? She is somewhat of an invalid, but is quite equal to the enjoyment of your society which, I have explained to her, is one of the most potent benefits to be derived by the fortunate from a stay at Springs. In the hope that this will find you very well and your beautiful garden flourishing apace, I am. Yours faithfully, John Blanke. My dear F.: This will introduce to you Mr. M whom I have known pleasantly these many years as a valued member of our own community. Mr. M. goes to your city as a member of the National Convention and also to investigate conditions concerning labor and employment in the West. On such matters your suggestions and advice will, I know, be to him of the greatest value. May I count on your kindly assistance, of which Mr. M. will be keenly appreciative. With hearty thanks for any courtesies you show my friend, I am. Yours most sincerely, John Blanke. Introductions 31 A note of introduction is always given to its bearer unsealed and unstamped but fully addressed to the person to whom it is to be presented. When in any doubt as to the propriety of giving a letter; when eager to explain details relating to its bearer, that could not be mentioned in the introduction itself, there is a recog- nized safeguard in writing privately and immediately to the addressee of the letter, making all matters clear. Thus, if you are too timid to resist importunities for a letter, the giving of which is not advisable, you should write ahead and explain. Again, when the bearer of the letter suffers from some distressing or peculiar infirmity, prejudice, or sensitiveness, from a recent bereavement or loss of fortune, you must be at every pains to expe- dite a private commtmication, in order to put the recipient of the introductory missive on his or her guard against the misimderstandings that arise from ignorance. If* A card of introduction is accepted as an easy means of introducing a person who seeks business and profes- sional relations with a stranger. Some- times the card is supplemented by a letter . ^ f ^. ° fj^ -' introductioa sent m advance. The donor of the card then gives to its ultimate recipient ftill reasons for granting the introduction. But the sending of the letter is dependent upon circumstances. When the card is given merely to recommend a man or woman temporarily to the recipient's interest, no private explanations are required. Furthermore, a card is never the proper substitute for a letter, which must be always given when the bearer purposes to ask hospitali- ties or special and social courtesy of a stranger. The card-guaranty of identity consists of the donor's visit- 32 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e ing-card, on which, in the upper left-hand comer, should be written the words, Introducing Miss (or Mr., or Mrs.) M. T. R. The card should be placed in an unsealed envelope bearing the address of the person to whom it is to be presented. f A woman does not present her letter of introduction in person, unless it is written for the sole purpose of bringing her into business relations with Presenting a ^ stranger. In these circumstances, she introduction should take the letter herself to the address indicated on the envelope and send it, along with her personal card, bearing her home and temporary address, to the individual for whom it is intended. If the letter's recipient is not in, or unable to see her, she leaves it with her card and awaits further developments. When a letter of introduction appeals for social attention in the bearer's behalf, it shotild then be posted, with the lady's card, to the address indicated on its envelope. If no notice is immediately taken of a letter of introduction, the bearer of it need not feel that she is ignored by intention, tinless, in the lapse of time, no note or individual appears to oflEer her adequate explanation. If a formal caU is made, she should retiim it in three days, or in the week; but if no other overtures of friendliness are forthcoming, she should not make further efforts to encourage an evidently reluctant acquaintance. On the other hand, when the letter is acknowledged by calls and offers of hospitalities, the recipient of so much cotirtesy must show fuU appreciation, and finally write to the donor of the letter expressing pleasure at the agreeable consequences that have followed on its presentation. No social offence is so grave as that of Introductions 33 presenting a letter of introduction, receiving calls and hospitalities, and then neglecting to fulfil the obliga- tions that the cotutesies of kind strangers entail. When circumstances render it either impossible or imnecessary to present letters of introduction, it is an essential cotirtesy to make, ultimately, an explanation to their donors. A woman presents a card of introduction in the same manner as has been outlined for the presentation of a letter dealing purely with business affairs. A man presents a card of introduction as does a woman: in person, and with his own card added. A letter of introduction, whatever its purport, is also presented by a man in person. A formal call need not be made on the occasion, but the letter is left with his card and, if the bearer chooses, he may request to see the person for whom both are intended. If his call proves unfruitful, he may shortly expect due notice to be taken of his credentials. In aU cases of social intercourse he conducts himself as a woman would in acknowledging courtesies that follow upon presentation of a letter. In England it is the commendable custom to invite the bearer of a letter of introduction to dinner, and to do so as promptly as possible. Punctilious persons premise their invitation by a ^"'^ *° **='"*°^'" call. We Americans can do no better ® ^e a e ero introduction than copy this admirable precedent. Busy women, when a letter is sent them by a stranger of their own sex, often substitute an exceedingly polite note in which an offer of some hospitality is made. An additional compliment is implied when the note is accompanied by flowers, and it is sent within twelve 34 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e hours after the receipt of the letter. A call, however, is usually essential when the stranger is an elderly lady or one of rather exalted position in the social or profes- sional world. When it is not possible to ask the stranger to a formal dinner, then she must needs be asked to luncheon or tea; or if the recipient of the letter is about to give a large reception, ball, or musicale, a card for this festivity should be despatched immediately to the stranger with a cordially worded note. When it is impossible to fulfill any of the usual duties entailed by the receipt of a letter of introduction, then flowers and a fuU note of regret and explanation should immediately be sent to the lady who has presented her credentials. The lady who receives a letter introducing a mascu- line stranger sees him, if it is convenient, when he calls, and asks him to call again or to dine. When it is not possible to admit his first call, then a note should follow hard upon it, fixing a date when he may be received or making an offer of hospitaUty. If the gentleman is elderly, and a distinguished person, a courteous method would be for the woman in the case to send her son, husband, or other masculine representative of her fam- ily to call upon him and second her written note of invitation to dinner or to tea. The recipient of a friend's request to call upon a stranger follows the same rules as have just been set down for dealing with a letter of introduction. Between men, the formaUties to be observed in acknowledging a letter of introduction are, with slight differences, the same as those given for the guidance of women : when the introduction is made for the purpose of bringing two gentlemen into social relations. When not able to entertain the bearer of a letter at his home. Introductions 35 the recipient of it dines the stranger at his club or at a restaurant, takes him to a theatre, or gives him the freedom of his club for the time that this privilege is allowed to strangers. The man who receives a written request from a friend to show due courtesies to a feminine stranger makes no delay in treating the situation quite as if the lady had brought him a letter of introduction. On receipt of her card he must caU upon her. A busy bachelor without feminine relatives whom he can call to his assistance may acquit his conscience of neglect by sending the lady flowers with tickets to a private view, or to his club's ladies' day. But if his generosity and some sense of obligation to the writer of the letter stimulate him to further efforts, he may supplement his call and flowers with the offer of dinner at a res- taurant and the theatre afterward, or with a tea party in his rooms. For this purpose he should invite other ladies to take part, and serve himself as the fair stran- ger's escort, if one were needed. Less formality is naturally observed in the treatment of an introductory card than is accorded a letter of the same purport. If its bearer calls and waits, the recipient must then try to see Acknowledging the caller and take his or her mission . ^j"^° mtroaucnon imder most civil attention. If the caller can be seen but for a moment, full explanations should be offered for failure to prolong the interview , and the explanations should be accom- panied by proposals for an appointment. If the caller is not seen, then a note, making an appointment for a meeting, should be promptly despatched. When the bearer of a card of introduction calls once or twice after 3^ Cyclopaedia ol Social Usage its presentation to express gratitude, and take further advice, no obligation arises for returning these calls, unless personal liking inspires a reciprocity in civilities which may lead to friendship or to a more or less social foundation for a pleasant acquaintance. CHAPTER TWO CALLS In fashionable society all formal calls are paid in the afternoon, between three and half-past five o'clock. Strictly formal calls are not, as a rtde, „ , „ Fonnal calls made upon Sunday afternoon, yet there are hostesses who keep Sunday as the day at home. In that event, a short and most ceremonious visit has full weight when paid upon the first day of the week. Ordinarily, in fashionable society, the morning and the evening hours are never utilized for the purpose of formal card leaving and caU making, yet there are summer resorts and other localities where, between ten and twelve a.m. and eight and ten p.m., ceremonious calls are paid and received. When in a neighborhood well beyond the social jiuisdiction of our great cities, a stranger will always wisely make an effort to discover the calling hotirs locally observed and strictly conform to them. . The formal call has this distinction : it is always made in the discharge of a social duty. It is a courtesy paid to signify appreciation of hospitahty offered or received ; to acknowledge the begianing of a new acquaintance; to express congrattdation or condolences; to designate the recommencement of a social season, or of an indi- vidual's reparticipation in social activities. Nearly all 38 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e formal calls are, therefore, obligatory, and their ex- change and careftd recognition are most essential among the women and men who take part in any kind of gay but ceremonious entertainments. For this reason in New York, Boston, etc., there are some hostesses who pay none but formal calls during what is known as "the season. " Their excuse is that they have not the time for informal, friendly, and frequent dropping-in at one another's drawing-rooms. Therefore, and wisely, the formal call is conducted according to rule and regula- tion. It is usually a short caU of from fifteen to twenty- five minutes' duration. The majority of women, when making their first call on a newly-founded acquaintance, rise promptly to retire at the end of fifteen minutes' conversation. If the call is made on the recipient's day at home, and there are other callers present in the drawing-room, the quarter-of-an-hour's visit need not be prolonged at the hostess's hint. But if there are no other strangers present, if the hostess is not keeping a day at home, and has obviously made a sacrifice of personal convenience to receive her friend, then her invitation to prolong the caU may be accepted with good grace. To the fifteen minutes may be added qtiite ten to fifteen more. Again, on making a formal call, if agreeable friends are found in a neighbor's parlor, a visit of forty-five min- utes is not only accepted as a formal call, but, in some respects, as a compliment to the hostess of the occasion. Finally, let it be made clear that a purely formal call must never be made on a holiday, Christmas, Thanks- giving, Easter Sunday, etc. The complimentary habit of calling without regard to duty or special formalities is practised only between Calls J9 friends. Friendly calls, in a locality where no hard- and-fast ceremonial is followed in regulating intercourse between neighbors, may be paid at those pnendly calls hours of the day or evening fixed by local custom as most convenient for every one con- cerned. Yet between friends there is, in the most impretentious society, a form of pretty etiquette to be observed when dropping in on a near and agreeable fellow-resident. For example, it is not quite consider- ate for a woman who enjoys the luxury of competent servants to fill up much of her leisure by running in too often on a fellow-resident who is the employer of one maid. It is not commendable to make intimate calls on anybody just before the family luncheon- or dinner- hour, or just before the arrival of house guests. Friendly calls of an intimate nature should, if made frequently, be made also brief, especially at a house where the occupants are busy folk. AH friendly calls should begin with inquiries made at the front door. It is indiscreet, even with one's best and dearest friend of longest standing, to fall into the habit of taking a family privilege — that is, of entering a house tman- nounced or by tmexpected modes of ingress. Occasion- ally, such liberties may be safely taken, but their constant repetition often leads to Uttle difficulties that sadly bruise a friendship and sometimes injure it beyond repair. The majority of informal calls are paid on the afternoons at home kept regularly by one's friends. Intimacy alone, in New York for instance, can justify Mrs. A. in asking, at what we might call "odd hours, " to see Mrs. B., who is at home on Fridays, and on no other pretext than to exchange news and comments upon private and public affairs. If Mrs. B. keeps no day at home, then once in a wMle Mrs. A., who is her 40 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e very good friend of long standing, may presume to ma in between half -past ten and twelve a.m. or in the after- noon, or after eight-thirty in the evening, but such experiments would wisely be made at long intervals, and the call should never last beyond a half -hour. The frequency with which friendly calls may be paid in New York and other great cities between two women who are cordially friendly but in no sense intimates, is a point of etiquette not to be satisfactorily answered by quoting a rule as for formal visits. A call for a call is the course followed by some women, while others do not cotmt calls, as we may term it, with their friends. Incliaation and circumstance must be left largely to control the situation. Some women are fond of calling and have no other means of showing appreciation of courtesies and hospitalities received. They may call on the same friend's day at home once or twice in a month, stop an hour for talk and tea, and exact in return but one call in a season. But the mistress of a home who is the hostess herself of a day at home would and should be far more punctilious. She would not count the return calls of a semi-invalid, of a very elderly lady, of a bread-winning friend, or of a friend in deep mourning, but in all other circumstances she wotdd keep a calling-book and occasionally balance her visiting accotmt. Society is rightly and nicely regu- lated on the principle of fair exchange, and the woman who pays her formal and friendly caUs with care has reason to expect complimentary treatment from those who enjoy equal advantages for the fulfillment of all society duties and pleasures. Thus, Mrs. A. does not do herself justice should she appear at three or four of Mrs. B.'s agreeable Tuesdays at home, when Mrs. B. presents herself but once in the Calls 41 season on Mrs. A.'s Friday afternoons. More especi- ally would Mrs. A. thereafter make her calls upon Mrs. B. at much longer intervals, if she is aware that Mrs. B. is a conscientious visitor at the houses of their common friends. However the account stands for formal or friendly visits exchanged between Mrs. A. and Mrs. B., a birth, death, serious illness, or calamity, such as a fire, or flood in the house of Mrs. B., ijBiportJt^X necessitates a call of congratulation, con- dolence, or inquiry from Mrs. A. Again, if Mrs. B. has entertained or invited Mrs. A. to a dinner party, a wedding feast, a ball, large luncheon, musicale, or theatre party, Mrs. A., whether she attends or not, calls shortly on Mrs. B. after the festivity. And this call is paid without regard to the fact that Mrs. B. may be in arrears to Mrs. A. for several friendly calls. It is most essential to call on a bride on her return from her honeymoon. It is of paramount importance for Miss A. to call on Miss B., to whom she has had a letter of introduction and from whom she has received a call. It is essential for Miss A. to call on Miss B. who brings her a letter of introduction from Mrs. C. A prompt call is also necessary when Mrs. C. writes to Miss A. asking her to call on Miss B. A young lady who has served as a bridesmaid should make it her business to call shortly on the mother of the bride, or upon that lady who served as hostess on the occasion of a wedding. Ceremonious calls are obligatory after a reception at which the hostess has introduced a young relative to society, or where the reception was held in honor of the .hostess's visitor, who may or may not be a celebrity. The calls here listed may not be lightly disregarded. 42 Cyclopeedia of Social Usa^e as they are very genuine social responsibilities, and their neglect often causes a delinquent the friendship and hospitalities of very agreeable hostesses. When two ladies, on introduction, desire to meet again, and an exchange of visiting-cards takes place, a difficulty as to who should pay the first call sometimes arises. As a rule, where the women are of about equal ages, the first call is received by that one whose day at home falls first after the acquaintance is made or by the one who does not keep a day at home. When there is a marked difference in ages, the younger woman usually pays the first call. At the beginning of a busy winter, the lady who first sends out her cards announcing her days at home receives the first calls of the season. A newly estab- lished resident in a neighborhood receives the first calls of the near-by women-folk. This compliment is paid a bride returned from her honeymoon, a woman bearing a letter of introduction, and a friend or acquaintance who returns home after an absence of six months or a year. At the opening of a new social season, calls are made without reference to visits and hospitalities exchanged in a foregoing season. The fixed residents of water-side or mountain resorts call first on those who own or rent cottages for use during the summer season only. The CaUs at summer jg^^gg^ cottager to go into residence is resorts ° usually called upon first by those habituees whose arrivals have preceded her own. Ordinarily, the occupants of cottages call first upon those friends who establish themselves at hotels. Calls 43 There is a virtue to be practised in this business of calHng, whether you Hve in a great city or in the quietest of neighborhoods. The woman , . , 1 • , • Call promptly who recognizes her duty m this respect and fulfills it with conscientious care is never unre- warded. For a call possesses a charming significance when it is timely, and it holds almost the quality of an insult when it is too long delayed. In illustration, we may say that nothing can show less courtesy and kind- ness than to let weeks elapse before calling on the new clergyman's or doctor's wife; to allow all of Mrs. A.'s Thursdays in January to pass unnoticed, and to forget to stop and inquire after the health of Mrs. B.'s son who has been desperately lU of pneumonia. Indeed, all the calls Hsted under the headings of important and first calls are social responsibilities that must be dis- charged promptly, and it should be no cause for wonder when duty-calls, most undutifuUy postponed, are not returned or followed up by further offers of hospitality. This law, while wisely severe, is never allowed to bear heavily on persons who have reasonable excuses for not living quite up to its letter. By a reasonable excuse is meant something more than a lightly expressed regret for tardiness, or a hastily conjured-up and ob- viously frivolous explanation. The woman who finds herself falling into arrears with her obligatory calls should not leave the solution of the situation to chance, or trust to the forbearance of her friends. Instead, she should despatch a short explanatory note, and then when the opportunity arrives and the call is paid, it carries all the weight and compliment of a promptly fulfilled duty. Persons in poor health or those over- taxed with duties can still find the time for the note that makes matters clear. Perhaps by a busy hostess the 44 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e omission has not been noticed nor is she a person who easily takes offence at a seeming neglect, but whether this is the case or not, the chance of it should never be risked, and the written explanation will not pass unappreciated. In other words, a courtesy always possesses a high social value, and a reputation for care in these details is well worth earning. It implies above everything else a thoughtful consideration for the feelings of others. Not all calls require immediate return in kind, and some calls need never be returned in due form. A new- Repaying a caU comer to a neighborhood and a bride return the first calls made upon them almost immediately: that is to say, in the course of ten days or a fortnight. A call of condolence is not re- turned. It is true, of course, that when the mourner puts off her weeds and resumes her social duties, she begins her first round of calls at the houses of those who offered her their sympathy. A call of congrattdation or inquiry requires no immediate response. It may be repaid quite at the recipient's convenience. When one woman calls upon another, to ask her charity for a good cause, or seeks her co-operation in a neighborly enter- prise, this call need not be returned whether the caller was or was not already on the recipient's visiting-list. Again, the hostess of a house guest need not return the calls made by neighboring callers upon her guest, even though the friends of her guest send up or leave cards for her, too. She would only return a call so made by a neighbor who owed her a visit and took advantage of the opportunity to discharge double duties in a single act of courtesy. A hostess is not required to return the calls paid her by the friends of her friends whom she Calls 45 entertained by request at a big ball, musicale, or d^but reception. In the ordinary course of social events, though nearly every call may be answered by a call, occasions arise when a courtesy visit is returned by a formal leaving of cards only (see Chapter Three, page 102). The bearer of a letter of introduction who is also a recipient of a call preliminary to an invitation to dinner, may call twice in response to these overtiures. That is, she calls before and after the festivity to which she has been bidden. A newly established resident of a neighborhood also pays these two calls upon being so Idndly welcomed into local society by one of the recognized hostesses. Calling acquaintance is not often begun in haphazard fashion between women, and the genial Mrs. A., who asks any and everybody she meets to call upon her, will not always find her °;^*°*^J^ invitation regarded in the spirit in which acquaintance it was given. This does not imply that Mrs. A. may not ask Miss B. on their first meeting to caU upon her. She may do so, in fuU consciousness of propriety and kindliness, if Miss B. evinces a friendli- ness of manner that naturally evokes the invitation, and if Mrs. A. is the mistress of her own home. On oflEering the invitation, she gives at the same time her card saying: " I am at home on Tuesdays, Miss B., and hope you will come in and see me. " Having thus taken the first step, Mrs. A. may expect to hear Miss B. say heartily: " Thank you, I shall come with great pleasure. " Perhaps Miss B. does not offer her card in return. 46 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e which wotdd not be necessary, if, in the course of th« following fortnight, she presented herself on one of Mrs. A.'s afternoons, paid her first call in due form, and left her cards behind her. Thereupon, Mrs. A. returns the call in the course, at least, of the following three weeks, or sends Miss B. an invitation to an entertainment, leaving her cards, at least, at Miss B.'s door before for- warding the invitation. Such would be the orthodox method of beginning a caUing acquaintance. But let us suppose that Miss B. is really disinclined for closer relations with Mrs. A. She must not venture to refuse to call, or hesitate to accept Mrs. A.'s card. Her approved course would be to say: " You are very kind Mrs. A.," — or " Thank you very much, " and then let the invitation lapse. Or, instead of at- tempting to pay a call on Mrs. A.'s day at home, she might leave cards formally on any other day. Mrs. A. would not fail to understand the meaning of the card leaving. If Miss B., with all the best will in the world to do so, is not able to call on Mrs. A., she will wisely write a little note explaining that illness, or absence from the neighborhood, or unusual preoccupation, has prevented the fulfillment of her amiable intentions. Otherwise, a dignified and sensitive Mrs. A., having noted that her invitation appears ignored, may take the social law into her own hands, and on next meeting with Miss B. assume so stiff a manner that that delinquent will not venture to try to make good her oversight of the conventionalities. As a rule, when one woman asks another to call, the initiative is taken by the elder of the two, when an evi- dent advantage in years or in social position is claimed Calls 47 rightfully by one over the other. Obviously, a matron asks a spinster to call, and the lady longest established in a community first offers her card and access to her drawing-room to her recently acqtiired neighbor. When no condition exists to give one of two women command of a situation, the invitation to call proceeds first from that lady who is either the least reserved, or perhaps the more active hostess of the two. Calls exchanged once in a year are supposed to give sufficient guaranty of continued friendly feeling, when two women live separated by too great a distance to admit of a constant interchange of visits, when either is more or less secluded by illness, or when one or both find the days surcharged with domestic cares or bread- winning duties. But a mere exchange of periodical, formal calls does not suffice when there is no disparity in the social and financial positions of two women and yet no give-and-take of hospitable favors. Invitations to receptions, balls, musical gatherings, or functions of more or less intimate nature must be extended, in the course of a twelvemonth, at least once by a house mistress to every man and woman on her calling-list. The individual may or may not accept the invitation he or she receives, but its despatch implies that the donor wishes the recipient to understand her desire for a continuation of friendly relations. In behalf of an acquaintance between a woman of lei- sure and one whose professional duties are aU-absorbing, the rules of etiquette are relaxed in favor of the in- dividual who has the least opportunity for fulfilling the letter of her social duties. A breadwinner living in a boarding-house and keeping no hours for receiving her friends is apt to pay her calls when opportunity presents itself, just as she receives hospitality more 48 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e often than she is able to retttm it; while elderly and invalid ladies frequently receive countless calls which they are never expected to repay in person. The preHminary formalities of beginning a calling acquaintance are sometimes dispensed with in this way : Mrs. A. asks Mrs. B. to bring her friend On being taken j^-^^ (^ ^^ ^^ ^^ -^^^^ ^_,g ^^^^ ^ to call '' at home. Vicariously, as it were, Miss C. has then been asked by Mrs. A. to call. Miss C. may then, in the company of Mrs. B., duly pay the call and leave her cards on Mrs. A.'s hall table when she departs. Miss C. may thereafter expect a call from Mrs. A. Should Mrs. A. not caU or offer her an invita- tion for a share in any hospitality, she may justifiably consider herself exonerated from repeating her first call. Now Mrs. A. must not pursue the course of asking Mrs. B. to bring Mrs. C. to call if Mrs. C. is a person of mature years and holds a more prominent social position than Mrs. A. may claim. In view of these last condi- tions, Mrs. A., should she feel justified in requesting the favor, may ask Mrs. B. to take her to caU upon Mrs. C. But first she must be sure she knows Mrs. B. weU enough to make such a request, and, secondly, she must either have received intimation that Mrs. C. would be glad to see her, or she must be a total stranger to Mrs. C. In other circumstances than these she may, by her request, be placing one or both of the other ladies in an awkward position. A hostess is always privileged to take her masculine or feminine house guests to caU on a neighbor. She may also, when calling, take asl ler companion a member of her immediate family, or a more distant relative Calls 49 who is a complete stranger to the ladies on whom she calls. If out upon a round of calls in company with Mrs. A., Mrs. B. may invite Mrs. A. to enter Mrs. C.'s drawing-room with her, though Mrs. A. and Mrs. C. may be total strangers. In any of these special circum- stances the sponsor for the stranger introduces her companion to the hostess of the occasion immediately upon greeting that lady herself, saying : "May I present Miss Jones, who is spending the week-end with me, " — or "Mrs. C, this is my cousin, Mr. Brown," — or "Mrs. C, let me present Mrs. A., who is out paying calls with me this afternoon. " In all these cited cases, the hostess's business is to greet the stranger most cordially and introduce the newcomer to those caUers already present. If the stranger proves to be an agreeable person, the hostess is at liberty to say, as she bids good-by : "I hope you will come in to see me again, Mr. Brown. I am always at home on Wednesdays." To a feminine stranger who is young and agreeable, and makes a pleasant impression, she may say : ' ' Now that Mrs. B. has showed you the way to my house. Miss A., may I hope to see you again soon ?" But to an older, and to a married, woman, the friendly overtiu-es would have to be expressed somewhat after this manner: " I am so obliged to Mrs. B. for bringing you in with her, Mrs. A. May I ask Mrs. B. to take me some day to return your call?" — or "This has been a great pleasure, Mrs. A. I should so like to see you again. Will you leave me your card ? " To make these overtures merely to create an agree- able impression, and without any honest intentions of 50 Cyclopaedia ol Social VJsage pursuing the acquaintaxice, is both an tin kind and unnecessary deception, for no real obligations spring from the call of a stranger — usually it is enough, on parting with such a caller, to say : "Good afternoon, Miss J. I am so glad you were persuaded to come in, " — or "Good-by, Mrs. B. I am so much obliged to you for bringing your cousin with you. " Though in any of the circumstances just set forth the appearance of the stranger may be regarded as an indis- cretion or an awkward intrusion, no hostess is at liberty to manifest her resentment either to the undesired new- comer or to her companion. The sacred responsibilities of hospitality necessitate the expression of every civility, though no regret at the stranger's departure need be ofifered at leave-taking. When entering a stranger's drawing-room merely to oblige one's feminine companion, the etiquette to be observed is simple in the extreme. One ^ . * may expect to be amiably accepted and strangers house , ^ , , welcomed by the hostess and presented by her to one or more persons. But on departure a woman, in these circumstances, does not either send in or leave behind her her card, if her appearance was purely adventitious. Should the hostess prove to be extremely civil, and should she make a request for closer acquaintance, then a card would be left behind on her hall table. No woman of dignity or discretion stops with a friend to share in the paying of a call on a neighbor she has many times met but never asked to her own house. Nor should she be persuaded to go in when the hostess of the occasion is a woman with whom she claims a bowing acquaintance, but from whom she Calls 51 has never received any encouragement to call, A woman must never call on a total stranger or slight acquaintance of her own sex under the sponsorship of a masculine friend. A young girl might very gracefully stop with her brother, uncle, or father to call on Mrs. A. whom she has never met, but a married or elderly woman would not follow this course unless the Mrs. A. in question were a venerable or semi-invalided lady who perhaps had expressed a desire for the acquaintance. A man ptursues a free course in this matter. He may call, with either a masctdine or feminine friend or relative, on a lady of any age or social position who is a stranger, or on one with whom he claims a mere bowing acquaintance. When the occasion arises for calling upon a friend who is a guest in the house of a total stranger, the call may be paid by a man or woman as though the friend were stopping at a hotel. Exceptions to this rule arise : first, when the call is paid by appointment on the day at home of the mistress of the house, then the caller leaves behind a card for the hostess of the occasion and one for the guest ; secondly, when the guest is stopping under the roof of a near relative, the relative need not be asked for at the door, but a card would be left for her ; thirdly, when a very young lady is the recipient of an evening call from a masculine friend, and she is obviously under the chaperonage of her hostess, then her caller asks to see both the young lady and the hostess, though the latter may be to him a complete stranger. Herewith he pays both ladies a pretty com- pliment and sends up a card for each of them. In the event of calling upon a friend who is the guest in the house of Mrs. A., with whom the caller claims acquaintance but no social intercourse, courtesy re- 52 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e quires that a card be left for her. If Mrs. A., on the other hand, is a friend of the caller, she is asked for and a card is sent up to her. When the mistress of a house thus asked for sends excuses for non-appearance by her guest, the caUer need not take the situation amiss, as there is no obligation for the hostess to appear; the call, primarily, is in honor of her guest. Yet the hostess may share a whole or part of the call with her guest, and should do so when her guest is a very young lady and the caller is of the sterner sex. Calls of welcome upon recent additions to a commun- ity are usually deferred tmtil the strangers have appar- ently adjusted themselves to their new Callmgonnew quarters. In large and busy cities a neighbors <^ j great independence of the old laws of neighborliness is adopted. No obligation rests on the occupants of a fiat or house to call upon recent arrivals below, or above stairs, or next door. If upon observa- tion of the dress, deportment, and obvious habits of newly arrived fellow-residents in one's street or apart- ment-house, your desire arises to pay them a call, there is no rule or etiquette to urge against the friendly move. It should, however, be made in due form — that is to say, at the approved calling-hour, and a sociably inclined lady should present herself gloved and veiled and card-case in hand at the door of the newcomer's flat or house. Her request must needs be to see the ladies and with cards duly offered. If the new neighbors appear to keep a day at home, the caU must not be made on that day. When asked in to wait, the caller rises on the appearance of the ladies, saying: Calls 53 " I am your neighbor, Mrs. A., and am so glad to find you at home,'" — or " My friend, Mrs. R., wrote me, Mrs. A., that you were taking a house very near me and asked me to call." The caller waits for the stranger to offer her hand and a seat, and lingers usually but the orthodox quarter of an hour. If her call is returned by a call, she may assume that an acquaintance is opened, but if the neighbor responds only by a distribution of cards and makes no further sign of friendHness, the acknowledgment of each other's identity need only afterward be made with a bow. In country neighborhoods, established residents call spontaneously, as a rule, on newcomers. But the established resident conveys no pleasure or compliment by a very belated call. Paid within the first season of a stranger's arrival, the call is considered prompt enough when two ladies are very fashionably or very domestically preoccupied individuals. To wait a year or more and then boldly call on a stranger is to be egregiously rude, unless illness or mourning can be offered as an excuse. When a lady has delayed too long to venture a welcoming call, she should seek an opportunity to meet the neglected stranger at the house of a common friend and then, offering her card, suggest the opening of a calling acquaintance, to begin by her initial visit. Vicarious calls are often paid for busy or invalided men or women who may sincerely wish to fulfill their social duties, yet have neither time nor „ „. , Calling by proxy strength at command to devote to the undertaking. Husbands, brothers, and sons, immersed in business cares, often leave their wives, sisters, or 54 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e mothers to pay the duty-calls owed for hospitalities received. These calls consist of mere card distribu- tions, fully explained in Chapter Three, page 105. A man is not privileged, though, to ask a woman friend or his fiancee to discharge these duties for him. He must not press an aunt or cousin into this service unless she assumes in his household the position of mistress. A gentleman cannot expect any feminine relative to leave his cards on a lady between whom and the relative no calling acquaintance exists. A lady who is temporarily or permanently invalided may send her daughter, granddaughter, sister, or daughter-in-law to leave her cards and return thanks for inquiries and other attentions of which she has been the recipient. The roxind of calls for an invalid need be paid but once a year. A visit of condolence is made ten days or a fortnight after a funeral. Many persons who claim no intimacy with a bereaved household content them- j ^ selves with card leaving both before and condolence , r ■, r^t ■ after the funeral. This courtesy may be gracefully supplemented with flowers, sent not only to the funeral but afterward to the lady who is the chief feminine mourner. The call of condolence is more and more strictly relegated to observance only by the intimates of an afflicted household and to the gentle- men who may have served as pall-bearers. Even the latter often content themselves with leaving cards after the funeral, and sending handsome flowers to the near- est feminine relative of the deceased. Persons who call to offer sympathy in person and who are met at the door by a request to excuse the ladies must feel no offence thereat. When a caller has been admitted to Calls 55 the drawing-room, the excuses must be accompanied by a few phrases of thanks for the attention displayed. It is not necessary when sHght acquaintance is claimed with all but a single raember of a mourning household, to ask, on calling, for the whole family. In this circum- stance, the caller asks to see the individual she calls her friend, but she is privileged, on quitting the house, to leave her cards for the other ladies of the mourning household. A pall-bearer asks only to see whoever represents the head of the household, and leaves his cards for the rest of the family. A call of condolence, except where true intimacy exists, shovdd not be prolonged beyond fifteen minutes. Neither a masculine nor feminine caUer need array themselves in mourning, or the sombrest apparel pro- curable. Simple, quiet dress is suitable, and no hastily emotional reference should be made to the chief object of the visit. Between close friends, for such an occasion, no hard-and-fast rules of ceremony are needed. But, for less closely connected persons, it may be helpful to suggest that the caller must always adapt manner and conversation according to the obvious desire of the mourner. In addition, it is most agreeable to assume a gentle composure of manner, and when in doubt as to what to say it is always best to cHng to conventional methods. "/ think it so good of you, my dear Mrs. A., to see me, if only for a moment," is an opening phrase which may lead on to such discussion of the immediate past and the perhaps painful future as the mourner may choose to enter upon. Kindly indication of good will may then follow in the form of inquiries after the rest of the family, with requests for information concern- ing any purposed changes of scene. To rise at the con- 56 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e elusion of the quarter-hour and begin farewells is the reasonable routine of such a visit, when the recipient is reticent or obviously desirous of avoiding emotion. It is not kind or in good taste to demand painful particulars as to the recent illness, or to attempt to dis- cuss the funeral with a reserved person. Nor is it, on the other hand, proper to attempt to be overcheerftil and distract the sufferer's mind by neighborhood gossip. If the recipient of a call of condolence desires, however, to unburden his or her mind by melancholy descriptions and references, it is not the caller's duty to attempt to lead the conversation into other channels, but show all sympathy and interest. Formal calls of congratulation are made upon a lady who announces her betrothal, and a call is usually made to offer congratulations upon the advent Calls ot q£ ^ j^g^ baby. Many busy persons sub- congrattilation .< ./ j. stitute for the call of courtesy and good will a note of well-worded feHcitations. When calling to offer good wishes to a proud mother, it is considered sufficient, for those who are not intimate enough to ask to see the child or its parent, to leave cards at her door with a few words expressive of satis- faction over the arrival of the new member of society. These calls are made independently of the regular exchange of visits, and need not be immediately or separately returned. The American husband pays but few formal caUs. His excuse of pressure of business cares is generally recognized, as well as his wife's authority married men *° distribute his cards appropriately at houses where he has, with her, attended dinners, etc. Beyond these obligatory calls in recog- Calls 57 nition of hospitalities received or offered, married men usually make but few formal visits. When the neces- sity arises for so doing, a gentleman sends up or leaves on the hall table his card or cards with those of his wife, and follows his mate into the drawing-room, greeting his hostess and host after his wife has been welcomed. He waits for his wife to signify the moment for departure, takes formal leave of his hostess and host, and makes his exit in the wake of his life-partner. But a married man is privileged to call alone on his and his wife's friends in the evening or on Sunday afternoons, when the friends are married and receive together. A hus- band is also privileged to call once or twice a year upon the iatimate women friends of his family. On a single young woman, a married man does not pay any but business calls when he is not accompanied by his wife. To this fixed rtde of etiquette there are exceptions, as, for instance, when a young lady is the hostess in her father's or brother's house. A married man who has been entertained tmder her roof, and without his wife, is quite privileged to pay a duty-call in acknowledgment of hospitality received. When ftilfilling such a duty, the caller asks to see the lady and her masculine relative, sending up or leaving his cards as though he were calling upon a married couple. Again, a married man, when visiting without his wife in a city distant from his home, must needs call on a single woman who is the mistress of her own establish- ment if she has included him in an entertainment or otherwise placed him under obligation. When a gentleman serves at a funeral in an official capacity, he calls afterward with due formality on the chief feminine moiimer, or, if he serves at a wedding, he 58 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e calls on the mother of the bride or on that lady who was the hostess of the wedding festivities. The preoccupied single man may expect, with the aid of his mother or of his sister if he Uves at home, to pay Calling rules many of his duty-calls vicariously. If he for single is a widower, his daughter or sister may ^^"^ leave his cards, which are recognized as tantamount to duty-calls performed. But an un- attached man must make it his business, however busy he may be, to call on all his kind hostesses at least once in a season. Ladies whose days at home are imavailable for an office devotee will be glad to see him, nevertheless, on his free Sunday afternoons or in the evening. Only the bachelor who refuses all invitations has a right, also, to refuse to pay any calls. A single man calls upon his married women friends on their afternoons at home. Lacking opportunities to take advantage of the day at home, the bachelor calls on a married woman on Sunday afternoons or in the evening as often as he has hospitalities to acknowledge, and, according to the strict rule of etiquette, no oftener. When, however, a bachelor entertains a respectful admiration for a matron, when he is obviously Hked by her husband as well, and at intervals is entertained in the name of both, his calls may be frequent, but always at the conventional hours for fulfilling such social duties. How long a gentleman may prolong a call upon a lady is a matter to be decided by his own sense of tact and by the length of his acquaintance with her. In the early stages of a friendship, a caU might well be terminated at the end of a half an hour; in a house where a frequent and warm welcome is received the caller may remain for an hour and a half. When a Calls 59 bachelor calls on a lady's day at home, he tries to have some conversation with his hostess, though the real object of his call may be the hope of a talk with a charming daughter, niece, or friend of the mistress of the house. Upon such an occasion he says to the ser- vant who opens the door : "Mrs. A. is receiving to-day, is she not?" If he calls on the chance of finding a lady in, he asks : "Is Mrs. A. at home?" — or "Are Mrs. and Miss A. at home?" — or "Are the ladies at home?" The man who calls frequently at a house and is invari- ably turned away with the statement that "Mrs. A., or the ladies, are not at home, " may justifiably discontinue calling unless he occasionally receives invitations to Mrs. A.'s entertainments. If the ladies beg to be excused without fiurther explanations oflEered, he may wisely refrain from calling again, unless he receives later assurances that his calls are entirely welcome. A bachelor, when taken to call upon a lady whom he has or has not called upon before, duly waits to see if he is asked by his hostess to repeat the call. But it is not requisite for a man invariably to be asked to repeat a call before venturing to do so. A second, third, and fourth call may foUow in sequence, if in the first instance the lady has given him permission to call, or invites him in her own and her husband's name to partake of some hospitality. The bachelor who calls with one lady upon another follows his feminine companion into the drawing-room and out of it ; he rises immediately when she signifies her readiness to depart. "How often am I privileged to call on an agreeable young lady?" is the question sometimes asked by a young gentleman in doubt as to his privileges. As 6o Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e often, the answer may be, as you like, providing you duly consider the lady's convenience. To present yourself upon Miss A.'s every day or evening at home would be to exhaust a welcome, but where the wel- come is always cordial, and the attractions of a drawing- room various and strong, a sociably inclined bachelor is privileged to call as often as once in every ten days or two weeks. When a gentleman ventures a chance call upon women, and is asked by the servant to step into the The question of drawing-room while she ascertains if the hat, coat, and ladies are at home, he retains his over- ^^'^^ coat and gloves, and waits hat in hand. If the answer to his request is propitious, he then re- moves his top-coat and leaves it in the hall. With the coat, hat, stick, and gloves may also be left. Some gentlemen, when making a first call or whenever they call, carry aU these small belongings into the drawing- room with them. The right-hand glove is removed and held with stick and hat in the left hand. As it is not given to aU men to manage their small properties with equal dexterity in a drawing-room, the majority wisely leave hats and sticks in the hall. Frequently the left hand remains clad and holds the right-hand glove, as Frenchmen only offer the gloved right hand in greeting, A gentleman rises with alacrity and goes forward to greet his hostess. He waits to see where she chooses to sit and whether she signifies his seat as well. He does not place himself on the sofa beside his hostess unless he is her friend of long standing, or imless she invites him to do so. If other callers enter the room, he rises and waits standing till his hostess has reseated herself. If a woman enters, he does not resume his chair again until aU the ladies are seated. He should Calls 61 stand, also, as long as his host, if present, remains standing, unless especially requested not to do so. A diffident man may safely wait for his hostess to open the conversation, but he does not wait for her to indi- cate the moment of his departure. Some men who call in the evening or on Stmday afternoon do not remain long after a second friend of the hostess has put in an appearance, especially if the second arrival be a man. This practice, though common enough, claims no authority for its observance beyond that of indi- vidual preference. With many men, however, it answers as an excellent excuse for making an easy exit when a brief and ceremonious call is intended. On 'a lady's day at home, if guests are announced, the masculine caUer gives his name to the servant thus, "Mr. Blanke." If announcements are not made, then the caller enters the room and goes straight to his hostess. He shakes hands with her first, though others may be present in the room. In a large drawing-room where a number of caUers are coming and going, it is not essential for a gentleman to rise every time his hos- tess or the ladies in his vicinity do so, unless he forms one in the group near the hostess. A hostess who pre- sides at her own tea table will expect the gentlemen near her to hand cups of tea, cakes, etc., to ladies seated near by or across the room. In handing about the slight refreshment offered, a man must, if he retains his hat and stick, place them on the floor beside his chair before rendering assistance. There is no obliga- tion resting on a guest to accept tea or other delicacies provided on a day at home. A simple "Thank you, but I will not take any'' is the proper refusal to make to an offer of refreshment. A man calling alone, ^.nd for the first time, on a lady's day at ho.ne need not linger 62 Oyclopsedia of Social Usa^e longer than fifteen minutes, though he is quite privi- leged to remain three quarters of an hour if he chooses. On rising to depart, it is best to take leave in the sim- plest fashion. To say ' ' Good-hy " or " Good Afternoon ' ' is enough on shaking hands. There is no necessity for wandering about a room taking special leave of everybody. Where a gentleman has made one of a group gathered about the hostess, he shakes hands with the mistress of the house, with her daughter, or sister, or husband, and any special friends who belong to that group ; to others he merely bows politely and goes out. A single man does not ask a young lady's permission to call at her house. He waits to be invited to do so by A bachelor's ^^^ chaperon or by the young lady her- calis on young self. He may expect to receive such an ladies invitation from a young lady on first meeting her, if their introduction has taken place at a private dance, dinner, or card party where their companionship and conversation have been somewhat prolonged and his attentions have appeared to be welcome. If the lady then asks him to call upon her, he responds by saying, "I shall be delighted, " — or " Thank you; if will give me the greatest pleasure to do so." If the days and hours when the lady is apt to be found at home are not mentioned in her invitation, he is at liberty to ask when she receives. If a young lady's mother, or other chaperon, asks him to call on her daughter, or protegee, he answers in the same wording as given above. When a bachelor desires to call upon a lady who has not asked him to do so, though she meets him frequently and always in a friendly spirit aM Cali» 63 the houses of their common acquaintances, he may pursue one of two courses in order to attain his end. He may ask a friend of the lady to take him to call, or, lacking such facilities, he may venture to prefer the request himself. This last course he is only privileged to pursue when his acquaintance with the lady is of considerable duration, when she has no chaperon to whom he can appeal, or when her manner gives evidence that she finds his companionship agreeable. A man should remember that a woman finds it hard to refuse such a request when it comes to her directly or through the medium of a friend; therefore he must judge, by the reception he receives at her house, whether his frequent reappearances in her drawing-room are de- sired. When he has rather unlawfully assumed a privi- lege and boldly asked Miss A. if he may call upon her, and Miss A., amiably assenting, names certain after- noons or evenings when she is free to see callers, he must not then delay more than a week in making his call. If illness, absence, or excessive pressure of busi- ness prevents his prompt fulfillment of the agreeable mission, he must not, when finally presenting himself, begin by explaining the delay. Early in the course of his conversation he should refer to the circumstances that interfered with his social engagements. This he would also do when a lady has voluntarily asked him to call and his response to her invitation seems tardy. Upon making a first call upon a yoimg lady, a bache- lor may judge, by the manner in which he is received, whether his appearance is welcome and his reappear- ance desired. If the young lady shares with her mother or sisters an afternoon or evening at home, he must not expect to be received in special audience, as it were. He may look for a cordial reception, for 64 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage introduction to those of the lady's family whom he does not know, and to other strangers who appear. He has a right to demand from the lady who has invited him to call a trifle more time and attention than she bestows on those who already have the freedom of her drawing- room. A young man who calls for the first time and finds himself left by his hostess to shift for himself, may rightly consider it wise to intrude at very long inter- vals, and then in most ceremonious fashion. Again, when a young man makes his first call and is kept wait- ing half an hour in a drawing-room by a yotmg lady, who, without excuses for her delay, brings several elderly or juvenile members of her family in to share his company, the conclusion may be immediately reach- ed that his appearance is not welcome. A bachelor wisely discontinues calling at the house of a young lady where divers entertainments take place to which he receives no bidding. If a young man calls often upon a pretty spinster and invariably finds himself sharing also the company and conversation of a chaperon or some third person, he will sensibly abbreviate his calls and make them at long intervals. Active and unwav- ering chaperonage of a young man's calls almost enforces the suggestion that they are not welcomed. Yet a bachelor must not resent, but expect that, when he pays his homage to a young lady, her mother, father, or elder sister will frequently put in an appearance as well. If this person greets him cordially, talks for a few moments and then retires to the other end of the room with a newcomer, or disappears completely, no suggestion of espionage or of hindrance to his com- panionship with the young lady is conveyed. Such chaperonage lends graceful sanction to his visits. The bachelor who is entertained by a young lady's Calls 65 parents gives proof of his good breeding by asking to see the young lady's mother, when calling after the dinner or ball to which he was bidden. In response to his card or request to see the ladies, a matron may come into the drawing-room for a moment's conversation ; or she may send down an excuse for non-appearance by her daughter. In either case, the gentleman has fulfilled a courteous duty which rarely passes unappreciated. The single man who is taken to call on a young lady by a man or woman friend understands that his sponsor or companion has first asked and received permission to present him. Therefore, he need not expect to be specially invited to repeat his visit. The cordiality of his hostess's manner may be accepted as a guaranty that his futtu-e calls are desired. On the other hand, to the bachelor who enters a house by chance, merely to oblige a woman friend whom he is escorting for the afternoon or evening, no privilege is thereby conferred for future calls, unless the lady whose drawing-room he enters especially requests him to come again. Her invitation he may interpret as he pleases. That is to say, he may call again or not as he feels inclined, for, in the circumstances outlined above, no obligation to do so is involved. But when, through the solicitation of a friend, a bachelor is invited to a dance or reception at the house of his friend's friend, he makes a courtesy call upon the hostess after the entertainment. Subse- quently he calls or not, as circumstances guide him, for he may or may not be asked to do so. If the ladies are not at home when he makes his duty-call, and if they take no further notice of him, beyond bowing politely, he is not entitled to assume that his closer acquaintance is desired. But if his duty-call is received and he is asked to repeat it, he may justifiably do so. On the 66 Cyclopaedia ol Social «jsage other hand, he need not feel impelled to. If his call was not received, but a second invitation to a festivity is forthcoming, he needs no further or fuller authorization for future calls. A matron, with or without daughters in society whom she is chaperoning, is privileged to ask bachelors to call upon her. She mentions, however, when Inviting a gj^g prefers the invitation, the afternoon young man to call o^ evening when she is at home to all her friends. A married woman does not re- ceive any men as chance callers, save when the gentle- man who presents himself is bound upon a duty-call and asks to see her husband as well as herself. She then accepts the call as intended for them both, but she would not expect the call to be followed by another and then another, made by the gentleman at odd hours and invariably in the absence of her husband. If the bachelor caller cannot avail himself of her afternoon at home, and presents himself in the evening or on a Sunday afternoon, she then receives him in her hus- band's company. On her afternoon at home, when her door stands hospitably open to aU of her friends, a matron may receive her bachelor friends as often as they choose to come and whether she has or has not pretty daughters to answer as the obvious attraction. There is no rtde necessary for the regulation of the wholly unceremonious appearance of her husband's bachelor friends and intimates. They call primarily to see the husband, unless acknowledgment of a hospi- tality is due to the wife also. They are usually accepted by the wife as her friends and received by her, as she feels inclined, in her husband's absence and imceremoniously. Calls 67 A young lady who enters society tinder the wing of her mother, and who is taught to observe the rules of formal good usage, expects, at least during her first year debutanteship, that her mother wUl invite young men to call upon her. But aU young ladies who share in social gayeties have not attendant mothers wherever they go, and the youthful spinster is privileged to confer this favor when and where she will: sturely, though, the discreet yoxmg woman will not scatter such invitations promiscuously. She wiU not, for example, upon her first meeting with a bachelor, ask him to caU if she knows nothing concerning him, and if he offers her but the simplest of civihties. Considerable tact, which is another word for sound, kindly good sense, must guide a maiden in the use of her prerogative. She must not cheapen her- self by asking any and everybody to call : she must not forget her dignity and ask a married man to call, and she must not assume to be ultra-fastidious or reserved, and invariably wait to be asked to grant the permission. A very slight exercise of discretion and of her best powers of observation will enable her to judge where and when her invitations may be bestowed. But if she confers the privilege, and the recipient of it never re- sponds, she must not invite the indifferent yotmg man again and yet again. In case she is somewhat shy and asks a girl friend to bring her brother, cousin, or acquaintance to call, and the young man never attempts to repeat the experience, she must face the obvious explanation of his non-appearance and never repeat her invitation. When a young man deliberately asks for the privilege of calling upon her, she will find it difficidt to refuse her permission, especially if she has no honest excuse for doing so. To give the young man leave and 68 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage then invariably to refuse to see him is a course, how- ever, that no kind-hearted or conscientious woman pursues. There are less awkward methods than a flat refusal, for a young lady is privileged always to refer the unwelcome admirer to her mother or whoever serves as her nattu-al chaperon. Only an excessively obtuse or vtdgar man would push the subject farther, especially if he knows that the young lady habitually decides such questions for herself. Or, if she grants his plea and then makes it her rule to receive him only under the chaperonage of her mother, sisters, or entire family, he will not be apt to repeat the first unsatisfactory visit. The way to ask a yovmg man to call is to say: "7 hope you will come to see me, Mr. A. My mother and I are at home on Thursdays, " — or "/ shall be glad to see you any Sunday afternoon, Mr. A.,"— or "I am often at home in the evenings, " — or "Ask Miss B. to bring you with her to one of our days at home, Mr. A. My mother and I will always be glad to see you." Now, when Mr. A. with flattering alacrity presents himself at a young lady's door, and on an afternoon or evening when she is at home, it is the part of friendli- ness for his youthful hostess to say, on greeting him, that she is glad to see him. If he cuts his call very short, it is not her duty to press him to stop longer, though shyness may be his excuse for an early depar- ttue. But he will rightly expect her to come a little forward to welcome him, to introduce him immediately to her mother and those other members of her family who appear, and to present him to her friends. A girl hostess, if refreshments are served on her reception day or evening, must see that her masculine caller is offered Calls 69 a share of them, and on his first appearance, even if many other persons are present, she should give him special attention. When he rises to leave, she must rise too, saying, as she gives him her hand: "/ am so glad to have seen you and I hope you will come again. " To so emphasize her pleasure and renew her invita- tion is not essential on the occasion of his second, third, or fourth call. The sweet graciousness of her manner should thereafter serve as encouragement enough. The young lady who lives at home with her family does weU occasionally, if she keeps no day and receives her men callers in the evening, to arrange that they meet her mother, elder sister, or her father, who may be her natural chaperon. It is not requisite to have these elders and guardians always in the drawing- room with her, but their occasional appearance lends a dignified background to her social relations that only enhances her charm and value in the eyes of her masculine admirers. When a gentleman calls and must be refused admit- tance for good reasons, it is needless to explain he must be told that the lady he desires to see is not at home. A young lady only begs to be excused, or announces through her servant that she is not receiving, when a statement of her reasons for so doing may be also made. Illness in the household, a domestic misfortune, or pre- parations for immediate departure are some of the ex- cuses to be offered. When a caller is admitted with the acknowledgment that Miss B. is at home, then Miss B. must make due haste to the drawing-room, whether her servant has blundered or not. It is not permissible, in case the servant has misunderstood orders or blun- dered in ignorance, to send back word to the gentleman 70 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e that Miss B. is not visible after all. In so awkward a circumstance, if Miss B. is dressing to go to a baU, or is helpless with a headache, or racing along with the accomplishment of a vital task, she must, if possible, send a member of her family to explain both the error and the circumstance. Otherwise she should go her- self and make the predicament clear, else she may sorely wound sensitive feelings and lose a valuable friend. But if nothing more than disinclination for Mr. A.'s society is her excuse, she must overnole her own feelings and go down to the drawing-room and receive her caller as though she welcomed his advent. Now, if when receiving Mr. A., who is difficult in conversation, Mr. B., with a far more attractive person- ality arrives, the yoimg hostess is not in justice and courtesy permitted to dispense her attention and smiles and interest otherwise but most impartially between her two callers. To turn to Mr. B. and begin talk, laughter, and allusions to festivities and friends of which Mr. A. is totally ignorant, is rude in the extreme. If, after a lapse of ten minutes following on Mr. B.'s ar- rival, Mr. A. stands up to say "Good evening, " his young hostess must needs give him her very complete and gracious attention. Rising, she intimates a compli- mentary regret at his departure by saying, "Oh, must you go?" — or "/ am sorry you must go, " and offers him her hand with the friendliest of good-bys. Whether a retreating caller is a new acquaintance or a friend of long standing, a yoimg lady does not, in any circum- stances, accompany him to the door of her drawing- room or of the house. When a young man pays her a chance call in the evening, or morning, or afternoon hours, it is not requisite to offer him any refreshment. This is the invariable rule in what we call the fashion- Calls 71 able or semi-fashionable society of our great cities ; and the nile is established for the very good reason that dinners ordinarily are served between six and eight o'clock; consequently no zest or need for dainties can arise so soon after the heartiest meal of the day. How- ever, in the less formal circles than compose the smart society of New York, Boston, etc., it is permissible for a young lady, on a hot summer's evening, to serve an iced drink with little cakes to her callers, substituting in winter tiny cups of very hot coffee or chocolate, with crisp biscuits or savory sandwiches. These she may serve herself, from a little table in the comer of her reception room, or have a servant pass a tray on which the light refection is offered in most attractive form. It would be only proper to share herself in these refresh- ments, helping herself first from the maid's tray before inviting her caUer to follow suit. A woman who either keeps no day at home or who, in addition to her day at home, sees her friends when they appear at their own convenience, must try to give her servant a clew every . eceiving •' ° ■' chance callers morning as to whom she may grant or refuse admittance. A member of ceremonious society decides after breakfast whether she will or wiU not be at liberty to see callers during the day. If circumstances prevent interviews with her friends, then she warns her servants to teU aU those who ring the door-bell, on social errands bent, that the mistress is not at home. Considerable controversy has raged over the propri- ety of this simple phrase, which so gracefully covers a multitude of circumstances with a mantle of decency and despatch, that it survives in spite of the objections of the hyperconscientious. "Not at home," for those ^2 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e of tender conscience, is a phrase not to be used ever by a servant at the door unless it is literally true. When this is the case, the mistress of a house, or that member of a family who is not prepared to receive callers, must then take pains to leave an honest excuse to be offered by that domestic who answers the bell. Here a pre- caution must be issued against instructing a servant to give an instifficient excuse. If Mrs. A. has iUness in her house, or if she is about to set out on a journey, or if she has just heard very bad news, or if some one has telephoned to demand her presence, or the kitchen boiler or pipes have burst, or the drawing-room is occupied by a committee meeting, then the most important and exacting caUer wUl go away regretfully, but satisfied upon the statement of these conditions. But Mrs. A. must not send down word to a caUer that she has just lain down to recover from fatigue and cannot be disturbed, that the sewing woman is fitting her, or that she is making up her weekly accounts, or undergoing a trying interview with a naughty child. Indeed, there are fifty-and-one good reasons for not desiring to see a caUer which Mrs. A. is not at Hberty to utilize, and she must be very careful in directing her maid how to employ the rather chilling phrase: "Mrs. A. is not receiving to-day" — or " Mrs. A. begs to be excused." Sensitive persons, or suspicious women, turned thus away from a door wUl frequently refuse to raise the knocker again, unless Mrs. A. makes haste to write and explain why she could not be seen and explains in the most plausible and convincing manner. This business of clearing up doubts is itself so often difficult and dubious in results that the term "not at home" has been adopted by the conscientiously scrupulous. It Calls 73 is a polite and sufficient formula, which may either mean that Mrs. A. is actually out or that she is not visible, and it makes no suggestion of discrimination or of mystery as does the request to be excused or the bald statement of not receiving. Thus, its use is widespread and generally accepted. But for any reader who ptusues this subject with a view to dealing capably with her duties as a member of formal society, reference here must be made to Chapter Fourteen, where the important etiquette for servants in relation to calls is carefully set forth. In the events of a servant's misunderstanding of orders and the admission of a caller at an awkward moment, the duty of the woman called upon is very clear. She must see her visitor and accept the call with grace. A chance caUer must not be kept waiting longer than ten minutes at the utmost. A hostess taken by surprise must not break out into profuse and repeated apologies for a reception room in disorder, for her own simple toUet, or for her servant's stupidity. To do this is but to place the caller in the unhappy position of accom- plishing a most inopportune intrusion. A hostess's duty is to think of her guest's feelings first, and to allow her gratification at the visitor's appearance to overcome her embarrassment at being taken iinawares. Very, very exceptional are the circumstances in which a visitor once admitted, with the acknowledgment that Mrs. A. is at home and visible, can be sent away with excuses. If a servant has so blundered, then a member of the hostess's family should see the caller and give the fullest explanations and apologies. When a chance caller is admitted and the hostess is aware that she has but a few moments to devote to the " call, she must fully explain her position immediately on 74 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e greeting her friend. It is not fair to leave anything here to chance; and when the hostess has only five or ten minutes' leistire, she must not hope that her caller will make a brief stay and then drive her out by her distrait manner and hopeless glances at the clock. When a hostess has explained her position and the caller is inclined to be inconsiderately slow, then it is preeminently proper, at the conclusion of her time limit, for the hostess to rise and excuse herself. In no other circumstances has a hostess a right to hurry a duU or selfish person who drags a visit out to an appall- ing length. Courtesy and self-sacrifice are sometimes synonymous virtues, and a gracious hostess remains alertly interested and politely devoted to her visitor throughout the most tryingly tedious interview. On the other hand, she must not press a perfectly formal acquaintance, or an obviously hturied one, to remain. Upon such expressions of polite regret as : "/ am sorry you must go so soon, " — or "Really, this is only a glimpse of you; must you go at once?" it is not always well to enlarge. On the strength of such regrets, a visitor may linger or not as she chooses. When an overtaxing caller rises at last to leave, the hos- tess need not utter any regret at departure, and when the visitor is a woman, and no other guests are present, the hostess may gracefully accompany her to the re- ception-room door or even to the end of the hall. As far as the door is cotutesy enough when the call is very formal and made by an excessively formal lady — but a hostess does not go so far as the door when another , caller is present. Rising, she takes leave of her woman guest and stands till she has passed out of the room. In a house where one or more trained servants are at Calls 75 command, the hostess always rings immediately a cal- ler rises to leave. This is done so that the caUer may find a polite domestic to assist with wraps in the hall- way, and open the front door. In a more unpreten- tious house, the caller may be left to find her own way out, if the hostess is entertaining others. Otherwise, the hostess herself, or one of her family receiving with her, should see the most formal stranger comfortably out. Shoiild a hostess press refreshment upon her chance women callers ? This is a troublesome problem to many generously hospitable persons. The answer to it would be that refreshment is only considered obHgatory when a day at home is kept. But there is no rule to cite against their being served in behalf of the caller who happens in on an evening or afternoon. The woman who professes a fondness for social inter- course nowadays sets aside a few hours of one afternoon in every week when she is prepared to see friends of both sexes and to offer them refreshment. A busy and fashionable woman frequently finds herself able to be at home only on a series of three or four afternoons in the whole year. Accordingly, she sends out her cards to aU those whose names appear on her calling-list, indicating the days on which she will be able to see them (see Chapter Three). While this process of liquidating a social debt is fre- quently and often conveniently followed by society women who otherwise would not be able to receive their friends' calls, the better method is that of keeping a regular afternoon every week, and preserving this day consistently year after year throughout the winter months in town. In the country, in a quiet or fashion- 76 Cyclopaedia of Social TJsa^e ably gay neighborhood, the same course of a fixed day at home may also be pursued. If this habit is adopted, then no regular card sending is required at the beginning of each season (see Chapter Three). The day is always named on the lady's card, and when adding a new mem- ber to her calling-list she mentions her day or posts her card as a reminder. The day at home may be as simply or formally observed as individual convenience or pref- erence decides. By three-thirty p.m. the lady who keeps an afternoon sacred to her friends should be ready to receive. Her reception room, however plain or elabor- ate, must needs be in inviting order. Whoever is to answer the bell, whether butler or maid-of-all-work, should be on duty at three. In winter, some hostesses prefer, by half -past three, to draw the curtains and light the drawing-room by artificial means, while an open fire adds, in chiU weather, to the inviting charm of any room. Ordinarily, tea only, with hot breads, small sandwiches, and cake are served on a weekly reception day. If more elaborate refreshment is offered, such as a choice of tea, coffee, chocolate, or pimch, or many types of small hot and cold breads, cakes, and sand- wiches, bonbons, ices, and a fruit salad, the hostess shotild not pretend to serve her various delicacies from a table in her drawing-room. The plentiful liquids and dainties should be set out in the dining-room and the callers invited to visit that room. Then one or two cap- able servants, or the daughters or young-women friends of the house can see carefully to every one's needs. The more agreeable plan, though, is to establish a tea-table at some convenient spot in the drawing- room. From behind this the hostess herself should dispense the refreshment, or, if she has a daughter, niece, or friend to assist, her own attention mav be Calls 77 given up wholly to her visitors while tea is poured and the cakes passed informally, but quite satisfactorily. The tea-table equipment should be dainty in the ex- treme, and it counts more than one point in a hostess's favor if her tea is fresh, hot, and fragrant, if her toast and tea-biscuits are crisp, savory, not dripping with overmuch butter, and if her cake is the best of its kind. Every caller must be asked to have tea and invited to repeat the experience of the first cup. The caller who refuses tea, cakes, and sandwiches should not be en- treated to change his mind, to try just this or that, or to consent to drink or eat something which is not on the tea-table and has to be specially ordered up from the kitchen. This kind of zeal, though often well meant, frequently springs from thoughtless disregard of the fact that forced hospitality is seldom welcomed. A visitor's refusal to partake of anything on the tea-table shotdd therefore never be questioned, and a hostess has no right to inquire into her guest's motives for absti- nence. On her day at home a lady rises to receive every guest. She tries to place the latest arrival beside or near her, and, on introducing a stranger to her other callers in her immediate vicinity, makes her best effort to bring the newcomer into a conversation that may be general. When callers follow close upon each other's heels, it is not always easy to follow the above direc- tions, but when a lull comes in the stream of arrivals, a careful lady looks sharply about her to see if her guests appear to be in friendly groups or couples. To those who seem isolated and bored she is obliged to give her immediate attention, by bringing them into her own circle, by asking if they have been offered tea, or by supplying their want of entertainment with her own talk and pretty attentions. 78 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e On the day at home the hostess is not privileged to leave other callers to their own devices while she engages a congenial friend in a prolonged gossip on intimate subjects. Her time and smiles and interest must be partitioned equally among her guests. She must not greet one guest with a placid "How do you do, Mrs. A.,'' and another with ecstatic expressions of pleasure. A cordially worded welcome must be given to every one of her callers, with no excessive distinc- tions expressed between Mrs. A. and Mrs. B., when greeting or taking leave of them. A hostess does not, as a rule, offer to kiss her women friends who come to call, but she assuredly would not draw back from a kiss volunteered by a too demonstra- tive friend or an affectionate relative. Words of warn- ing must be here uttered against issuing to a caller an invitation in which bystanders are not included; against asking for a moment of private conference at the other end of the room, while less intimate associates are present. In greeting and leave-taking, a hostess's con- duct shotild be the same on her afternoon at home as on the occasion of entertaining a chance caller. If, for convenience' sake or in obedience to the cus- toms of a locality, an evening at home is kept, then the hostess, in all details, conducts the business of enter- taining as has been outlined for the afternoon hours of reception. Perhaps the tea would be replaced with coffee, chocolate, or punch offered on trays passed by servants; or the hostess may pour these herself if she chooses at a table estabHshed in the drawing-room. The evening at home is not a truly fashionable function, but it may be made convenient and charming for all hospitable purposes and should be celebrated between the hours of eight and ten-thirty P.M. Calls 79 While a gentleman never announces himself as at home to ladies, nor does the card his wife uses, bearing her day at home, carry also her husband's name, nevertheless the appearance of the ^ °^ host on a hostess's reception afternoon or evening is always a welcome addition to the occasion. The host may be the hostess's husband, son, or brother, and the assistance he lends her may be graceful and valuable in the extreme. He greets the guests, after they have been welcomed by the hostess, hands tea and cake, offers his best conversational entertainment, takes special pains with shy folk and strangers and, when the drawing-room is comparatively empty, and the house- hold managed on the very smplest scale, sees the masculine callers out and opens the door for the femi- nine callers who are leaving. His duty would also be to see an important or elderly lady even as far as the house door and into her carriage. On receiving information at a lady's door that Mrs. A. is not at home, the caller's response would be, " Tell Mrs. A. I am sorry not to ^''^ *° ^^ have seen her," — or "Please say that Mrs. B. regrets very much to have missed Mrs. A." The whole etiquette of cards in relation to the chance call and the call paid on a lady's day at home is treated in detail in Chapter Three, page loi. When making a caU on one who is not an intimate acquaintance, and on being answered at the door with the words "not at home," remember you have no right to question the servant as to the whereabouts of the mistress of the house. If, in answer to your ring, you receive the reply that Mrs. A, is ill, or out of town, you are privileged to say: 8o Cyclopaedia of Social Usage "/ am very sorry; I trust it is nothing serious " — or "Will Mrs. A. be returning soon? Tell her that Mrs. B. regrets not seeing her. " If the servant answers in response to your ring that "Mrs. A. begs to be excused" and nothing more, you leave your cards without any word whatsoever. When no motive for such a plea is offered you may draw one of three inferences from it: first, that Mrs. A.'s servant is stupid and has misimderstood her mistress's instruc- tions; secondly, that Mrs. A. herself has not realized that such a message sounds disagreeably abrupt; or thirdly, that Mrs. A. wishes you to understand that she does not desire your calling acquaintance. By grace of previous knowledge of Mrs. A. or her servant, you may draw whichever of these conclusions you please and act accordingly. If, on making a chance call, the servant answers your query, "Is Mrs. A. at home?" with the words:"/ don't know. I will go and see," you then put your cards on the maid's tray and wait in the drawing-room to hear the result of her investigation. If she returns with the answer that Mrs. A. is not at home, you should accept the assertion absolutely as the truth. Should you, however, be admitted by a servant dubious as to Mrs. A.'s whereabouts and then receive the message that Mrs. A. is in and will be down in a moment, do not prolong your call beyond the Hmits set for formal visit- ing, unless warmly pressed by Mrs. A. to do so. Re- member to rise and go forward to receive Mrs. A.'s greetings, and wait to see if she wiU decide where and how you and she shall be seated. If your mission is one of charity, or business, immedi- ately you are seated begin to explain its object. Should your call be purely social and you and Mrs. A. are on Calls 8i rather ceremonious terms, you have no right to consult your watch constantly, and then, rising in the midst of a remark of your hostess, begin to make your adieux. A good caller knows how to estimate the flight of time approximately and seldom rises in an acquaintance's drawing-room with such remarks as, "/ have length- ened my visit into a visitation, " — or "I dare say you are •wondering if I am going to stay all the afternoon. " These Httle familiarities should be kept for one's intimate friends and with ceremonious acquaintances it is grace- f td for a caller to rise at the conclusion of one of her own sentences and say, "It is so good of you to have seen me, Mrs. A., and given me so much encouragement to my project." When the call repays a social debt it is enough to rise and take leave in the simplest manner. A call paid on a lady's day at home differs Httle in ceremony from that observed when the call is paid by chance. Usually at the door the caller asks the servant, "Mrs. A . is at home .?" — or "Are the ladies receiving ? " and in response to an affirmative reply follows the butler or maid to the drawing-room door. Here, if annotmcements are made, the servant asks for the caller's name. If Mrs. B. is accompanied by her eldest daughter she would reply, "Mrs. and Miss Brown,"— or "Mrs. and Miss Amy Brown" in case her companion is a second or third daughter. If announcements are not made, then Mrs. B. walks directly into the drawing- room without pausing to put off any but clumsy, rough- weather wraps. Obviously a mackintosh, or bulky motor-coat, or dust-coat, shovdd not be carried into a drawing-room. An umbrella or paper parcel must also be left in the haU, and, for comfort's sake, arctic overshoes as weU. But with these exceptions a lady enters a friend's drawing-room dressed as she comes in « 82 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e from the street. Her gloves are retained and her coat may be loosened and opened, but her veil shoxild be kept in place. When refreshments are served the right-hand glove may be removed and the veil pushed from the face. But both these articles must be immedi- ately restored to position when the tea and cakes have been enjoyed. It is not essential to accept any refreshment when it is offered — or to assign any reason for so doing. It is an awkward error, when rising to leave, to keep the hostess standing while you prolong a conversation. Let yotir departure follow very promptly upon leave- taking. A formal afternoon call may be paid by a woman, on a friend's day at home, in a smart walking suit of cloth. This may be severely simple and worn ^am ^^^'^ ^^^^ ^ P^^"^ ^*^^^^ ^^^- ^^^ majority of women however wear with their cloth suits delicately pretty blouses, white gloves, and hats that are somewhat more decorative than the type adopted for matutinal shopping. A lady when paying an afternoon caU should not carry a capacious utility shopping bag, but a smaller and more ornamental one of delicate leather, of brocade, velvet, or beadwork, or a card-case only. While the severely plain walking dress is an appro- priate costume for a caller, so also is a very sumptuous one of cloth richly braided and embroidered, or velvet trimmed with fur, or satin, silk, or cr6pe-de-chine. Indeed, a calling costume may be quite gorgeous in its fabric and decoration and worn v/ith handsome head- gear, furs, jewels, etc. In summer, and in the country, morning calls may Calls 83 be paid by the wearer of a white linen skirt, Hngerie blouse, and a ribbon-garnished Panama hat. But for- mal afternoon calls in the country require a full toilet : that is, a gown of foiilard, or taffeta, or charming mus- lin, or richly embroidered Hnen, worn with a "best" hat, white gloves, and afternoon sunshade. An evening call in town, paid on a friend's evening at home, requires the adoption of such a toilet as woiild be worn to a theatre or concert party. A hostess who receives the calls of her friends in the afternoon wears a graceful silk, velvet, or satin costume, high in the neck and elbow length of sleeve. In sum- mer, in her cotmtry home, when receiving on a wide veranda of an afternoon, a hostess in a pretty foulard, embroidered linen, or muslin, may advisedly and be- comingly wear also a pretty hat. A gentleman who pays afternoon calls wears usually a frock or cutaway coat of black or dark hue, with trousers of a sober gray. His waistcoat may match the material of his coat or may denote his choice in fancy vesting material. A top hat, patent-leather shoes, white linen, and gray gloves, with a broadly folded scarf of a quiet tone, are adopted with the coat of either cut mentioned above. This same costume may be worn in the evening, especially on Sunday evenings when what is known as a full-dress suit is not essential. Many men prefer, however, and their choice is essentially correct, to pay calls after nightfall in the severe black and white of dinner costume. When a gentleman calls formally on a lady in the evening, he does not wear a round-skirted dinner coat, but the orthodox claw-hammer coat of ceremony. A gentle- man does not carry hat, stick, or gloves into a lady's drawing-room in the evening. CHAPTER THREE CARDS The cards we use when calling change very little from year to year. Sometimes the bristol-board from which they are cut is a trifle thinner or The matron's .i- i ,• ■. • r i.* 1.1 calline-card thicker; sometimes it is more fashionable to use block letters than script or old English lettering for the inscription. But, at all times, the best type of carte-de-visite is severely simple. Unglazed, pure-white bristol-board is the universally approved material. On this fine, polished surface, the name and address are engraved from a copper plate. Occasionally the type is mixed ; that is to say, the name appears in the Gothic characters of old English, the address in Roman or script lettering. These are, how- ever, but individual whims and give a slight air of novelty; while invariably the name is placed in the exact centre of the card, the address occupies the lower right-hand comer, and the bearer's day at home is usually added in the lower left-hand comer. There- fore, the average matron's card would read thus: Mrs. John E. Blanke Thuisdays 22 Garden Place Now and again we see variations upon the conven- 84 Cards 85 tional card. The day at home, instead of occupying the lower left-hand comer of the card, is printed slant- ingly across the upper left-hand comer, while the owner's telephone ntunber is added, thus : Mrs. John E. Blanke 22 Gardea Place A married woman never uses any of her husband's titles on her card, and only when her mother-in-law is also Mrs. John E. Blanke would her card read thus: Mrs. John E. Blanke, Jr. Though a matron's card is frequently larger than that used by a young lady, neither crest nor gUt edges should mar its severely simple surface, and it is considered in better taste to engrave the name in terms as above signified than to contract both to initials, in this fashion: Mrs. J. E_ Blanke. Occasionally, when a woman is endowed with a surname of which there are very numerous representa- tives in a neighborhood, a distinction is arrived at by prefacing one surname with another, in this manner: Mrs. R. Ellwood Smith, or Mrs. F. Hope Smith. A married woman does not use for social purposes a card engraved Mrs. Mary A. Blanke. Such a reversion to the personal name is only permitted to widows and those women who are legally separated from their husbands. There are occasions when a matron's card shows only her title and cognomen in this form: Mrs. Blanke. Such a form is adopted only when a lady is the 86 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e most important and the eldest dowager in a family, or in a neighborhood which includes other matrons be- longing to the same connection. Very rarely is the suffix, Sr., or Senior, added to a woman's card. It may, however, be employed when otherwise in a family the distinction between the identity of two ladies of the same name would be difficult to maintain and the younger of the two does not wish to place Jr., or Junior, on her card. Though occasionally a young lady's card is smaller than that used by a matron, in texture Cards for gj^jj engraved t3rpe it is nearly a duplicate -of that carried by a married woman. On a young lady's card, her name appears women thus: Miss Mary A. Blaoke 44 CouTtaey Square Personal preference sometimes decrees that the name be engraved in full, as: Miss Mary Attewood Blanke. Dtiring her first season in society, a fashionable debu- tante may share a card with her mother. This must needs be a large square of bristol-board on which the inscription wotild take this form: Mrs. Edward B. Blanke Miss Mary A. Blanke Mondays 44 Courtney Square A card of this style is always employed when a debutante enjoys her mother's careful chaperonage and with her makes the majority of her calls. She would, Cards 87 during her first season, use this card, even when calling unaccompanied upon her intimate girl friends, pencil- ling through her mother's name to show that she came alone. In some families, long after the daughter has passed her day of debutanteship, a double card is, for convenience' sake, used when mother and daughter are calling together, or when one of them is leaving cards only and desire, to signify that the courtesy is paid by both ladies. If more than one daughter of a farmly has made her social appearance, a kind of family card is frequently used thereafter, merely to avoid multipli- city of bristol-board bits when all the ladies call together. On such a card the inscription takes this form; Mrs. Edward B. Blanke The Misses Blanke Mondays 44 Courtney Square Occasionally, when sisters who are near in age and are motherless appear in society together, they share, for card-leaving purposes and for the occasions when they call upon the friends they enjoy in common, a card inscribed : The Misses Blanke. When there is consider- able difference in their ages, their joint card would show their names, as: Miss Blanke, and below, Miss Anne L. Blanke. In addition to the joint card, shared with a mother or sister, a yoting lady may properly use, for her calls upon her own friends, a card on which her name appears alone. A member of quite fashionable society does not, though, during her first season of participation in social affairs, when she lives with her mother who is an active hostess, show a day at home on her personal card. When she asks newly-made feminine acquaintances to call upon her, 88 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e or when she returns first calls, she employs the joint card shared with her mother. An independent, unmarried woman who keeps house alone, or a mother- less spinster who manages a household for her brother or father, uses cards engraved with the name of her reception day. A young lady does not share a card with her father or brother; and a spinster, after her first season in society, is privileged to have her mother's day at home engraved on her personal card. We do not yet permit the profession pursued by any woman for glory or for gain to be indicated on the card she uses for social purposes. Thus the woman's card gifted medical practitioner, the successful woman lawyer, the brilliant head of a great educational institution, or the medalled chemist, astronomer, or electrician in petticoats, is on her cards merely Mrs. John E. Blanke, or Miss Mary T. Blanke, when she enters her friends' drawing-rooms. There are distinguished and pedantic ladies, it is true, who will add a row of honorary initials after their names and use cards announcing the bearer to be Professor Eleanor L. Blanke, or Phozbe T. Blanke, M.D., as the case may be. Nevertheless, according to the strict rule of eti- quette, it is essential for professional women to use separate cards in the pursuit of society and of their callings. Socially, the wedded woman doctor must not obtrude her business or her titles, while for her patients she uses a card inscribed Dr. Phcebe T. Blanke, or Phosbe T. Blanke, M.D. Occasionally, and often very sensibly, the professional card of a married woman physician or lawyer is engraved in this way : Phcebe T. Blanke, M.D., then immediately beneath, in smaller letters, is added Mrs. John E. Blanke. This rule, deny- Cards 89 ing social recognition to a card signifying professional pursuits or position, should not be disregarded by the clever spinster or matron who is the special representa- tive of a newspaper, who is the employee of a great commercial house, or who stands at the head of her own enterprise. Many married couples share a card in „. . . The conjugal addition to those they use separately and ^^^ for personal convenience. On such a card of bristol-board of ample size, the name of the wedded pair appears thus : Mr. and Mrs. John E. Blanke 3 Elm Street This type of card is left by the couple at a house where condolences, or congratulations, or sympathy, must needs be expressed by the formal act of leaving their names. When a man or his wife, or both together, stop at a friend's door to inquire the condition of an invahd or a convalescent, the joint card is the more suitable to leave. When a bride makes a round of formal calls, to acknowledge the first calls made upon her, such a card ftdiills a courteous office. This kind of card is also a great convenience when a couple desires to express thanks for sympathy, or for congrattdations, or kind inqtiiries received. It may be posted to a hostess when an invitation to a garden party or recep- tion has been received but caimot be accepted. It is also a proper card to be sent with flowers to a funeral or to a sick friend, and it also looks well when enclosed with a wedding, Christmas, anniversary, or christening gift. But let it be clearly \mderstood that this joint card of husband and wife never bears the name of a dav 90 Cyclopeedia of Social Usa^e at home, or are the words "at home" ever engraved upon it, for the very good reason that a gentleraan is not allowed to announce himself as prepared to receive the visits of ladies. It is usually understood from a card inscribed Mrs. Mary F. Blanke that the bearer thereof is a widow, and A widow's card ^ consequence many painful misunder- standings are avoided. Nevertheless, there are numberless widowed ladies who prefer to retain their deceased husband's names on their cards, and they do so without violating any canons of good taste. However, when the mother of a married son who bears his father's name ia full finds herself a widow, it is somewhat more dignified for her to resign the Christian names of her late husband to her daughter- in-law and rettim to the use of her own Christian and middle names as indicated in the beginning of this paragraph. There is a distinction drawn between the card of a divorced woman and one separated from her mate by death that must needs be made clear. Cards or a Very often, in event of legal separation, . divorced woman ■' . , , , the wife continues to use her husband s surname, replacing his Christian and middle name with her own Christian and her maiden surname. Thus, in place of inscribing on her cards Mrs. Edward A. Blanke, she would have her cards engraved Mrs. C. Brownell Blanke, or Mrs. Christine Brownell Blanke. Should a divorced woman resume the use of her maiden name in its entirety, she prefixes it with the title Mrs. Small, thin slips of bristol-board, always longer than Cards 91 wide, and engraved in script or Roman letters, differen- tiate men's from women's cards. On a Men's cards gentleman's card his name appears thus : Mr. John E. Blanke, or John E. Blanke, Jr. It is only when Jr. or Sr., signifying "junior" or "senior" follows the name that the title is dropped. Men rarely or never suppress their given names on their cards, using in place of the full nomenclattire the siuname only, as: Mr. Blanke. On the other hand, it is quite proper for a gentleman to use a card inscribed thus: Mr. Henry Portman Blanke, or Mr. H. Portman Blanke. In addi- tion to his name, his home address is usually added in the lower right-hand comer, with the name of his favorite club in the lower left-hand comer. A card of this type is carried by a gentleman for all social pur- poses. Separate cards are often employed by business and professional men, and these display office addresses or the name of the journal or commercial house that the bearer represents. A hospitable bachelor never indicates a day at home on his cards, though he may hold in his rooms or studio frequent charming enter- tainments for the benefit of his feminine friends. Occasionally, those gentlemen who enjoy titles choose to exploit these on their cards, and there is no rule of etiquette to cite against impressive prefixes or suffixes which show that universities and societies have con- ferred special honors. But the average modest man only uses on his card those titles which carry a special meaning and by which he is ordinarily addressed. Thus, all naval and military men indicate their rank on their cards. Members of the bench foUow the same cotuse. A few distinguished men of science add an impressive tale of initials after their names, while a physician's card is usually inscribed in this way: Dr. ga Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Henry P. Blanke, or Henry Portman Blanke, M.D. Those scholars or heads of great institutes of learning who are commonly addressed by the title "Doctor," have their cards inscribed thus: Henry Portman Blanke, Ph.D. A clergyman's card may show one of three types of inscription — Reu. Henry Portman Blanke, Henry Portman Blanke, D.D., or when a clergyman's card is engraved Mr. Henry P- Blanke, then in the lower right-hand comer the address St. Agnes's Rectory may be added, as significant of the bearer's calling. Graduated mourning bands upon cards fortimately show a tendency to pass out of fashion and out of use. No social formality was indeed ever ^„„™i«» more absurd than that, once followed mourning ' by widows, of all but covering their cards with bands of sable hue, which, at intervals, were narrowed to coincide with a reviving cheerfulness. To-day as we are at once less formal and perhaps more sincere and sensible, it has been generally agreed that a woman's card need in no circumstances display a border of mottming greater than one-quarter of an inch. This border is only assumed in the event of the loss of a husband, a parent, grandparent, brother or sister, son or daughter, or parent-in-law. For uncles, aunts, great-grandparents, cousins, or relations by marriage, other than parents-in-law, no black band need appear on the card, since what were once recognized as com- plimentary and therefore perfectly hoUow evidences of mourning are not to-day generally assumed by discreet persons. When, for a member of her immediate family, a woman assumes a card-indication of mourning, she need not diminish the border as the months roU by, but, as Cards 93 long as she wears black, her card remains unchanged. When the first colors are assumed, the black border disappears entirely. A widow or mother who elects by preference and through true tenderness of feeling to wear mourning garments for years, uses also a card edged as in the first months of her bereavement. Merely because of the diminished size of his card as compared with that of a woman, a man need never assume a mourning band deeper than one eighth of an inch. Such an edging he should adopt upon the loss of a wife, parent, child, sister or brother, grandparent, or parent-in-law. When he ceases to wear mourning gar- ments for these near relatives, he changes his bordered, card for a white one. Very frequently, when an en- gaged couple are parted by death and the survivor assumes mourning dress as for the loss of a wedded. mate, the bereaved one's card is bordered with black. as for the loss of a very near and dear relation. When Mrs. A. makes her first formal call on Mrs. B., a newly acquired acquaintance, she gives the servant at Mrs. B.'s door two cards — her own and one of her husband's. These she presents . " ® !!^ ■^ formal calls if her visit be paid on Mrs. B. s day at home or if it be a chance call. Should Mrs. B. share her home and her day at home with a married woman relative, and should Mrs. A. desire it to be understood that her call is a compliment paid to the two ladies of the house, then she leaves two of her own cards and two of her husband's. Her husband's cards are intended one for each of the ladies. They are purely complimen- tary cards, for, as a matter of fact, Mr. A. may not enjoy the acquaintance of Mrs. B. or any member of her household, but it is a graceful act to leave his card. 94 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e and an essential act when Mr. A. and Mrs. B. have been introduced. Should Mrs. A. call for the first time on a spinster, she leaves one of her own and one of her husband's cards. Upon the occasion of the return call paid by Mrs. B. upon Mrs. A., the former employs her cards and her husband's cards exactly as Mrs. A. disbursed her own. The spinster who returns the first call of Mrs. A. leaves just one of her own cards. If Mrs. A. has a daughter in society, a sister or mother living with her, and the tmmarried caller desires to show that her visit was meant for two or three ladies of the farmly, then she leaves as many of her cards as there are ladies. She does not leave any of her cards for Mr. A., though she may have received his at the hands of his wife. This is because it is understood that a woman never calls upon a man save on matters of business, or perhaps to inquire as to his condition in the event of his serious illness. A widow when paying or rettuning a first call leaves her card or cards as a spinster would. These card-leaving rules apply to other such formal calls as those paid upon a newly-wedded pair, a newly- estabUshed resident of a neighborhood, a lady who bears a letter of introduction, a lady who has suffered a bereavement, a lady who announces the birth of a child or the betrothal of a daughter. As has been explained fully in Chapter Two, calls are paid by dutiful members of society after dinners, limcheons, breakfasts, balls, weddings, ho oitalities christenings, musicales; garden, theatre, supper, opera, and large card parties. Duty-calls are also paid after the entertainment by those who have received invitations to anniversary Cards 95 celebrations and after formal receptions for which special invitations were issued. The question here arises as to the number of cards to be left on dis- charging these social duties, as there is an elaborate system of distribution to be observed. Many a busy fashionable woman fulfiUs the hospitality obligation by going the rotmds of the houses to which she has been recently invited and leaving her cards only. She makes no request at any door to see any inmate, but observes the most careftd ceremony in the ntunber and kind of cards she leaves with the servant. Nowadays, by such a process, the recipients of these cards understand that they have been duly thanked for the coiurtesy and hospi- tality they dispensed. Less busy and less fashionable women pay their hospitality calls, or try to do so, by asking to see the residents of the houses at which they present themselves. But whether a call is attempted or not, the card-leaving etiquette is exactly the same. Therefore, to be at once explicit and helpful, we may begin by detailing some essential and separate rules. When, in the name of Mr. and Mrs. A., a dinner invita- tion is issued to Mr. and Mrs. B., the cards thereafter left by Mrs. B. when calling consist of one of her own and two of her husband's. ^ ^ °^ * ainner call Of the husband's cards one is intended for Mrs. A. and one for Mr. A. If Mr. and Mrs. A. invited the son of Mr. and Mrs. B. to the same dinner, and Mrs. B. is leaving cards for the yotmg gentleman as well as for her husband, she must give the servant two of her son's cards. On the supposition that Mr. and Mrs. A. invited Mr. and Mrs. B. to dine for the purpose of meeting a Mr. and Mrs. C. who are house guests of Mr. and Mrs. A., Mrs. B. when calling leaves 96 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e two of her own cards and four of her husband's. If Mrs. B.'s spinster daughter had been invited to dine along with her parents, that young lady, on paying her duty- call, would leave but one of her own cards. Two of her cards must needs be left if she was asked to meet a lady at dinner, who is stiU the guest of Mrs. A. at the time of her caU. A widowed Mrs. B. paying a dinner call on Mrs. A. leaves cards as enumerated for a spinster. Very seldom are dinner invitations sent out in the name of a widow and her daughter or son, therefore when a ividowed Mrs. D. invites Mr. and Mrs. B. to dine, Mrs. B., on calling afterward, leaves one of her own cards and one of her husband's. If a brother and sister issue invitations in both their names for a dinner, then Mrs. B. when calling leaves cards as though the hospitality had been offered by a married couple. The same ruling would be obsen/ed when a dinner invitation is issued in the name of Mr. and Miss B., the hostess in this instance being the daughter of the host. Cards left, after a dinner given by a spinster in her own name, in kinds and numbers tally exactly with those left on a widow. When the Misses A. issue an invitation to dinner, then Mrs. B. leaves two of her husband's cards with two of her own. In calling after a dinner given in the name of Mr. and Mrs. A., Mrs. B. may question herself as to the propriety of leaving extra cards for the daughter of the house, who was present at the dinner, or for Mrs. A.'s sister, mother, atmt, or woman friend, who, though not the guest of honor of the occasion, is still the house guest of Mrs. A. Now, speaking by the rule, there is no need for Mrs. B. to leave any of her cards for these persons, as her cards are actually due only to those per- sons in whose names the invitation was issued. How- Cards 97 ever, Mrs. B. is privileged, if she likes and as a sign of pretty courtesy, to leave one of her cards for the daughter of the house. But for a young lady she does not leave one of her husband's cards. In addition to the above directions, it must be under- stood that these cards are left in precisely the same manner after a dinner to which the invitations were issued by engraved cards or written notes. The invitations to a lady's luncheon being issued in the name of the hostess only, the feminine callers thereafter leave but one each of their own cards. If the luncheon is a mixed assem- , . " ^ ,?'^ luncheon calls blage and given m the name of Mr. and Mrs. A., then Mrs. B. leaves cards afterward exactly as though she and her husband had been invited to dine. The same course is followed when Mr. and Mrs. B. are invited by Mr. and Mrs. A. to a breakfast, a ball; a theatre, opera, supper, or card party; to a wedding, musicale, birthday, or anniversary fimction. A variation in card-leaving etiquette arises when Mrs. A. and Miss A. announce themselves as at home for the purpose of giving a special formal audience to all their friends, or for the ^ ^ °^ reception calls ptupose of ceremoniously presentmg Miss A. to all of Mrs. A.'s friends and acquaintances of both sexes. Then Mr. A., though possibly appearing at the entertainment, is not represented upon the cards of invitation. Therefore, when Mrs. B. calls after the entertainment to which both she and her husband were invited, she leaves two of her own cards and two to represent the compliments of a call paid by her mate on both of the ladies. When Mr. and Mrs. A. desire 98 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage to give an entertainment in honor of their son and invite Mr. and Mrs. B. to attend, Mrs. B., calling afterward, leaves one of her own cards and three of her husband's. Should a Mrs. A. and a Mrs. B. combine their social and financial credit and give in the ample rooms of a hotel a large and elaborate reception for the purpose of entertaining aU their friends, a guest there- after leaves her cards at the house of either Mrs. A. or Mrs. B., tinless both hostesses are equally close friends of the caller. In that instance, a card, or cards, must be left on both ladies at their respective residences. After an anniversary wedding party, cards are left by a married woman in this proportion : one of her own for the wife and two of her husband's. Cards for j^ ^^^ event of a birthday party given anniversary calls . . , , by parents m honor of a daughter or son, cards wotdd be left as has already been directed for a reception given for a debutante or for a young man just come of age or graduated from college. Before a funeral and afterward, when cards are left at a house of mourning by a matron, she should give the servant one of her own cards for the condolence feminine representative of the stricken household and two of her husband's, who thereby is supposed to show his recognition of a social obligation due both the eldest masculine and feminine relative of the deceased. When cards are to be left upon a widower, the strict rules of etiquette are usually relaxed to a certain extent, and a lady would send in one of her own cards and one of her husband's to the gentleman who had lost his wife. The same courtesy would be shown by a lady to a widower mourning the Cards 99 loss of a child. When cards of condolence must needs be left at a house in which the caller is only acquainted ■with one member of the family, and that member is not one of the heads of the household, a rule of etiquette still exacts that a special courtesy be paid to the chief mourners. The caller thereupon sends in one card for each of the chief mourners and one for the special friend claimed in the family. When a caller in these sad circumstances is a friend only of the deceased, then cards are left upon the chief mourner. A spinster, when leaving cards of condolence, leaves none upon the male members of a mourning family. A married couple usually tries to present their cards in person on the occasion of a death. That is to say, the husband, in this instance, should not expect his wife to accomplish this sUght but special task for him. However, rather than forego this Httle mark of respect entirely, it is better that a wife should leave her husband's cards than run the chance of his failtire to do so. When an actual call of condolence is intended, that is to say, when a request to see members of the family is made, the cards are sent up in the numbers and the order observed when the mere formaKty of leaving them at the door is undertaken. If the cards are sent in with no request for an interview, individual preference must then decide whether any such written inscription as With deepest sympathy may be added below the engraved name. Callers on terms of mere acquaintance with the family of the deceased do not, as a rule, care to impose even such a slight expression of feeling. Usually, for such complimentary card leaving, the bits of bristol-board are handed to the servant with the words, "For Mr. and Mrs. A.," or" For Mrs. and Miss A., please. " It is permissible for an unmarried woman to leave loo Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e cards of condolence for her father or brother, if she is the leading feminine representative of their household and if it is impossible for them to present their cards in person. A daughter is privileged to leave cards of condolence for an invalid mother along with her own, or one or more of the joint cards she shares with her iU or absent parent. Cards of condolence may be presented by a caUer on behalf of that important member of his or her household who is a temporary absentee from the neighborhood. The courtesy of these cards is none the less tmderstood and acceptable when it is thus performed by a responsi- ble proxy. A husband does not leave his wife's cards of condolence unless she is temporarily incapacitated. Cards of condolence shoiild under no circumstances be posted to mourning members of a household. When a desire exists to give some recognition of feeling upon receiving news of the death of an agreeable but formal acquaintance, it is essentially proper for persons at a distance to send a few telegraphed words of sympathy. This method is pursued when the acquaintance is not close enough to justify a letter of condolence. In the event of the lUness of a child, cards of kind inqtiiry are left upon the mother of the sufferer. The adult invaHd is honored with a card and Cards of inquiry sometimes with a message. Usually the Sion"^* " caller rings the door-beU, asks to know the condition of the sick person, and offers but one card, saying: "Please say to Mrs. A. that I am very glad to hear her little boy is getting on so nicely," — or " I hope Miss Blanke will soon take a turn for the better" Cards loi When the head of a family is inqtiired after, a matron would leave her own and her husband's card, and a spinster would leave one of her cards, unless she were calling to ask the condition of a masculine member of the household. Then she would not leave a card, but give her name only, thus : "Please say that Miss A. called to make inquiries, and is deeply sorry to hear that Mr. B. is no better." Some persons adopt the habit of pencilling a line of good wishes on the card of inquiry left for a sick person, thus : With kindest inquiries, or With best wishes for a speedy recovery. This is considered essential, in order to differentiate the call of inquiry from a simple act of card leaving. Cards of congratiolation are left upon those persons who have achieved some remarkable age or anniversary; who rejoice in the birth of a child, in the acceptance of imique honors, or who announce their betrothal. Cards of congratulation are not left upon one's very formal acquaintances as a rule. They usually are but a part of the ceremony of calls of congratulation, and then they are in the numbers and order as indicated for a formal call. If a chance call is paid by Mrs. A. on Mrs. B. for the purpose of discharging an obligation for hospitalities received and Mrs. B. is not at home, the cards are left as explained on page 94. Cards for -r^ ■, ■, ,1 • J 1 r ii chance caUs If the chance call is made merely tor the purpose of a friendly chat and Mrs. B. proves to be in or out, then but one of Mrs. A.'s own cards are left. If Mrs. A. and Mrs. B. are very intimate friends and Mrs, B. is found at home, and the caU is not made in the discharge of any social duty whatever, then no card I02 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e need be left. These rules hold good when the call is paid by any Miss A. on any Miss B. When a call has no relation to hospitable duties, but is paid in exchange for a call received, then cards are left in this way : Mrs. A. sends up one of her own cards and on going out leaves one of her husband's cards, if Mrs. B. left one of Mr. B.'s cards on the occasion of her last call. If the call is made in recognition of a hospitable invitation received from Mr. and Mrs. B., Mrs. A., on going out, leaves two of her husband's cards. She does not send these cards of her husband up in the first instance to Mrs. B. if the servant tells her that Mrs. B. is at home, but on going out she deposits them on the haU table. She would also leave a card for her son or her brother if such relatives formed a part of her household, and, having been invited to Mrs. B.'s, were dependent upon the mother or sisters for fulfillment of card-distributing duties. Shotild Mrs. A., when paying a formal caU upon Mrs. B., find her knock or ring answered by Mrs. B. in person or by a member of her family, she must not then present the cards, perhaps already in her hand. Instead of offering the cards to her friend, she herself lays them down upon the hall table, either as she enters or as she passes out at the conclusion of her caU. Is it neces- sary to say that when a hostess, or member of her family, answers a knock or ring, the caller must needs enter and pay at least a short visit, though only the business of card leaving may have brought her to the door. Many a fashionable busy lady finds her days too short for the fulfillment of all the calls due her friends for courtesies and hospitaUties received. ^ggjl She, therefore, pays but one formal call per year on every one of her women Cards 103 friends and thereafter satisfies her conscience by the rapid business of card leaving. This process is an expeditious and nowadays recognized means for dis- charging accumulated social obligations. The card distributor first makes out a Hst of those friends in whose debt she finds herself for cards received, for calls, and for hospitahties. List in hand, and with her case filled with her own and her husband's cards, she there- upon proceeds from house to house and hands in her bristol-board substitutes for a formal or friendly visit. At every door, before ringing the bell, she arranges in her hand the exact number of cards due the inmates of the mansion. When the servant answers her ring, she says merely, "For Mrs. B., please, " or "For Mrs.B., and I hope she is quite well." A wealthy woman, who drives in her victoria or automobile on these rounds, gives the cards for Mrs. B. to her footman. He runs up the house steps, rings the bell, and hands them to Mrs. B.'s servant, with or without any message, as his mistress may have directed. It is considered permis- sible for Mrs. A. and her daughter, mother, or even a friend to drive about together leaving their cards in this manner. However, in less than ultrafashionable society, this card-leaving process is not yet accepted as a proper substitute for a call. Simple and moderately fashion- able ladies still expect the bearer of cards to attempt to make a call in answer to a call or in response to an offer of hospitality. The average hostess is, therefore, likely to regard a mere leaving of cards as an indication that their bearer desires to cease further interchange of visits, as formerly, save in exceptional circumstances and in behalf of busy men, cards left without any word implied a desire to relegate an acquaintance to the most I04 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e ceremonious footing possible. That implication is in force to-day if Mrs. A., after calling on and sending invitations to Mrs. B., finds her friendly overtures answered with cards merely left at the door once in a twelvemonth. At no other conclusion than that pro- hibitive of continued friendship may Mrs. A. arrive if she finds that Mrs. B. is an active caller at the houses of others and a hostess at divers entertainments. Shoxild Mrs. B., however, continue to accept Mrs. A.'s invita- tions, isstaing those of her own in return, then Mrs. A. may accept the card-leaving ceremonial as followed by Mrs. B. as evidence of very up-to-date methods adopted by her busy friend. There are circvmistances, however, in which the pro- cess of leaving cards once a year on all acquaintances is tmderstood to imply no discontinuance of friendship, though no interchange of hospitalities take place. Ladies who go into very prolonged mourning foUow this rule. It is also adopted by invalids who do not wish to be forgotten, though aU but isolated from the world, and women who are immersed in the labor of earning a living and who have neither the time nor the strength for calls and entertainments. These may also adopt this cotirse of reminding their old friends of the fact of their continued interest and existence. Card leaving pure and simple is justifiably done by persons about to take their departure after temporarily visiting in a neighborhood and receiving caUs and hospi- talities from old friends, new acquaintances, or persons whom they have met by means of letters of introduction. On these cards left at doors where friendly, formal, hospitable, or farewell calls are due, the letters P. P. C. may be appropriately written. The recipients under- stand that a courtesy is expressed by the card, whether Cards 105 it bears the initials of the French phrase or not. For further information regarding the P. P. C. card, see page 107. Persons who have been invited to a stranger's house for ptirposes of sharing in an entertainment, and who have or have not been asked by the hostess to call, fulfill their hospitality obligation by stopping at the lady's door a fortnight after her festivity and leaving cards for her. This courtesy should be paid whether the hospitality was accepted or not. A lady calling on behalf of an invalided woman relative is justified in leaving the absent one's cards at every house where her explanation of the relative's illness and incapacity is made. JL But such cards are only distributed when the illness is very long drawn out. Women leave cards for their near male relatives, but not for their men friends, for their cousins, uncles, etc. In exceptional circumstances only do women leave cards for their women friends and relatives who are in the enjoyment of health. For instance, if Mrs. A. attends Mrs. B.'s reception, a wedding, an elaborate afternoon at home, or a coming-out tea of a debutante, to which Miss A. has been invited, she is privileged, on leaving the house, to drop Miss A.'s card or cards into the great platter placed on the hall table, along with the cards of those masculine members of her family who were also invited but were unable to attend the festivity. Mrs. A. might, in the same circumstances, leave her sister's, her mother's, or her mother-in-law's card, but she is not privileged to leave the cards of her absent women friends. These cards of absentees are known as regret cards. They are left merely to obviate the necessity io6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e of posting them, and are not, in any circumstances, regarded as a substitute for a call. A gentleman is not at liberty to leave cards for his wife at houses of their common friends where he calls alone. Men are not privileged to leave the cards of their absent male relations when calling upon ladies. In response to cards of condolence or inqiury, it is the rule to send by post cards of acknowledgment of the Cards by post courtesy received. After an interval of two to three weeks following a funeral, the head of a family in deep mourning may send out formal thanks to aU persons who left cards. These acknowledgments may be either printed or engraved on large black-bordered cards of bristol-board and enclosed in black-edged envelopes. The inscription on such cards may run thus: Mr. and Mrs. John E. Blanke return thanks for your kind sympathy. I Mayfield Street A great many persons using merely their own address- stamped correspondence cards with the mourning bor- der, write out and post the following acknowledgment of a civility received: The family of the late Mrs. John E. Blanke returns sincere thanks for your kind sympathy. 1 Ma3rfield Street For cards of inquiry, it is only necessary for the object of friendly solicitude to write on a personal visiting card beneath the engraved name, as follows: Pray Cards 107 accept many thanks for your friendly inquiries, or With sincere thanks for your kind inquiries. A card thus inscribed should be posted one to each person who has called and inquired in friendly fashion as to the state of an invalid's health. Such cards are, of course, only- sent out when convalesence is nearly over. Invitations to a chturch wedding, to a large wedding reception, to a special afternoon at home, or to a debutante tea, are not, as a nole, formally accepted or regretted unless the missives of invitation request the favor of a reply. Those who purpose to accept do so by the simple means of presenting themselves on the day of the function and taking a part in the festivity. Those who cannot attend send their cards by post so that they will be received by the hostess on the day of her entertainment. The absentee writes nothing on the bit of bristol-board. Its meaning, as a regret card, is quite tmderstood by its recipient. A married couple would send their joint card, or a mother and daughter would send the card they share, adding perhaps one of the father's cards. P. P. C. cards are, as a rule, posted to the friends of one who departs for a long journey, or who, having spent an agreeable week or more visiting in a neighborhood, takes this means of informing all pleasant acquaia- tances of the fact of departure. P. P. C. cards are used in place of leave-taking calls. The letters P. P. C. stand for the French phrase pour prendre conge, meaning literally "to take leave. " Proud parents who wish to inform their friends of an addition to their family issue announcement cards in this fashion: to the large joint card of Mr. and Mrs. John E. Blanke would be Announcement fastened, by a white ribbon or silver cord, lo8 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e a tiny engraved bit of bristol-board bearing the name, Miss Adele M. Blanke, or Master Neville T. Blanke, and in the left-hand comer the date of the child's birth. Sometimes the baby's card is tied to that of its mother's only. To such cards, the proper response is made by a call and a card of inqtiiry, though some persons prefer to respond by a card posted to the parents or the mother, on which are written the words, Hearty Congratulations. When a household or an individual makes a change of habitation, it is not only courteous but necessary, immediately upon settlement in the new quarters, to announce the change of address. This is done by post- ing to interested friends and acquaintances a visiting card bearing the old engraved address run through with a pencil, above which the name of the new street and the number are written. Some persons go to the expense of issuing special cards for this pvirpose, printed or engraved, and begging to inform the recipient of the change of habitation. The guest at a dinner or supper party, at a Itmcheon, breakfast, or theatre party, at a baU, or small dance, does not send in or leave any of her Cards at . ... j .,i i . i entertainments visitmg-cards either upon her arrival or departure. But cards are presented or left on the occasion of certain types of entertainment. Thus, when Mrs. A. attends a large afternoon reception at Mrs. B.'s, she gives the servant at the door her cards as she arrives : one for herself and one for her husband, and one for her daughter, if she is accompanied by one or both of these members of her family. If Mrs. B.'s invitation announces that she is receiving with a debutante daughter, or sister, or niece, or with her mother, Mrs. A. offers at the door as many of her own Cards 109 and her husband's cards as there are ladies receiving. But if Mrs. A. is unaccompanied by those members of her family who are invited to Mrs. B.'s reception, she then presents at the door only her own cards. Just before departiure she drops into the hall card-platter her husband's and her daughter's cards, to signify their acknowledgment of the hostess's invitation. Again, if attending a lecture, morning musicale, or committee meeting at Mrs. B.'s house, Mrs. A. shotdd proffer her card at the door or leave it in the haU along with the cards of those members of her family who, though invited, are prevented from attending the assemblage. Cards are used at a large afternoon wedding reception exactly as at a formal reception. They are also used at a garden party as at a reception. These cards are not accepted by a hostess in lieu of the courtesy-caU due after a formal reception, but serve merely to show in what proportion her invitations were acknowledged. Busy married men who have no time or opportimity for afternoon calls, or for attendance at afternoon parties of pleasure, leave it to their wives to distribute their cards appropriately at When a those houses where hostesses must needs *>a<=lielor leaves be paid all the courtesies. But the bache- lor sons and brothers of women who participate actively in social life should not depend wholly upon the card- leaving privileges of mothers and sisters for the dis- charge of all social duties. A bachelor must once a season, and in person, pay his rounds of calls upon those ladies who have entertained or desired to entertain him, and invariably his card when left in person must signify that its bearer essayed to pay a call. Gentlemen are not privileged merely to leave cards on ladies, save no Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e when they call to signify formal sympathy or to make inquiries. When a bachelor rings the door-bell of a house where a death has taken place, he hands in his cards, one for each person he purposes to compliment and with the words, "For the ladies, please," or "For Mr. and Mrs. and Miss Blanke, please." Nothing is written on the bits of bristol-board in these circum- stances. But if he calls to inquire the state of health of a friend, he may write on his card To inquire, or With kind inquiries. The bachelor who attends Mrs. B.'s big reception or garden party presents one card at the door or puts one in the card-receiver before leaving, if Mrs. B. receives alone. If the bachelor was invited in the name of Mr. and Mrs. Blanke, he presents two cards. If his card of invitation signifies that Mrs. and Miss Blanke are prepared to receive, he presents two of his cards. In the event of a wedding reception, the card or cards he offers at the door are intended not for the bride and groom but for the hostess, or host and hostess in case his invitation proceeded from a Mr. and Mrs. B. It is not permissible for a bachelor to leave anybody's cards save his own. When a young gentle- man calls upon a lady and her mother, or upon two sisters, he gives the servant at the door two of his cards, or leaves two cards with this functionary in case the ladies are out. After calling frequently upon women friends, he is privileged to practise a certain economy in cards by giving the servant a single bit of bristol- board and asking to see "the ladies." Otherwise, the single card signifies his desire to see but one feminine member of a household, and the name of that individual he must specify when handing the servant the card at the door. A bachelor does not leave cards on the hall tray, as he departs after a call, for those members of a Cards "l household whom he has desired, but has failed, to see. All the cards he purposes to leave behind him are given to the servant at the door. Men who are unable to present themselves at wedding, debutante, or other special receptions, at private musicales or lectures, or garden parties, should post their cards to their hostesses the day of the entertainment, or send their cards sealed in an envelope by a messenger. Shoiild a Mrs. A. and a Mrs. B. combine forces and issue their invitations to a big reception given at the house of either lady, or in a hotel suite engaged for the purpose, the bachelor attending gives in two of his cards upon arrival on the festive scene. When Mr. A. calls on a woman friend who is stopping as guest of a week in the house of Mrs. B., a stranger to Mr. A. or a lady with whom he claims only a bowing acquaintance, he sends up two cards when paying his call, if his friend is a yoimg and unmar- ried woman. Otherwise, he might justifiably send up but one and that one specifically for his matron friend. A father does not leave any cards for his son, nor may one brother do this service for another. Gentle- men who have no kind women in their families to do card-leaving duty for them, send essential cards by post. Men seldom use P. P. C. cards. Should they employ this means of announcing a departure, they post such cards only to their masculine friends. A gentleman who has brought a letter of introduction to a lady and received hospitalities at her hands, may, on making a call to take leave of her, fail to find her at home. Then he is privileged to write the significant letters on the cards he leaves for her. He is entitled to do this when calling to take leave of any agreeable feminine friends and receiving word at the door that the ladies are not at home. CHAPTER FOUR WEDDINGS The parents of the bride-elect order, pay for, and send out the invitations to witness the ceremony and participate in the subsequent festivities. nvitabons o /pj^^ cards, as they are called, are usually chvirch weddings . ■' issued two, three, or four weeks before the date set for the marriage. The most approved type of invitation is that engraved in script on the first page of a large sheet of handsome, pure-white note-paper which boasts no superfluous devices or ornamentation of any kind. Each engraved sheet should be folded once and fitted first into an envelope on which is written merely the name of the person for whom the contents is intended. This envelope, the flap of which is not gummed, is slipped into a second one of less expensive quality, which is sealed, stamped, and fully addressed. The inscription for this type of invitation may most appropriately run as follows: Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Mary Louisa to Mr. John Victor Reynolds on Thursday, the twenty-seventh of April at half-past three o^ clock Holy Trinity Church. "Weddings "3 A variation upon the above simple formula is ar- ranged in this way : Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the honor of presence at the marriage of their daughter Mary Louisa with Mr. John Victor Reynolds en the afternoon of Thursday, the twenty-seventh of April at two o'clock, Holy Trinity Church, Chicago. Where the third line is left blank, the name of the person for whom the invitation is intended is written in with pen and ink. When a bride-elect is the daughter of her mother's first husband, the wording of the invita- tions may be suitably changed to announce that Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter, Mary Louisa Brown. If a young lady is an orphan, the invitations may be issued in the name of her nearest relatives, her grand- parents, her married brother or sister, aunt, uncle, or even of a chaperoning matron friend. A widow making a second matrimonial alliance may again issue her cards in the names of her parents. In tha^ case the inscription must needs take this form : Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Mary Louisa Craig with Mr. John Victor Reynolds, etc. 114 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e As occasions not infrequently arise when in the event of a remarriage or a first venture into matrimony the bride-elect stands quite alone, that is to say, she has no near relations ra whose names she may issue her cards, and she prefers not to preface her requests for the company of her acquaintances with the name of a friend, then her invitations may be expressed in these terms: The honor of your presence is requested at the marriage of Dora Joyce Grove with Mr. Roger D. Jamieson on the afternoon of Thursday, the twentieth of April at four o'clock The First Presbyterian Church Johnston Avenue Somertown. or The honor of your presence is requested at the marriage of Mrs. Dora Joyce Grove with Mr. Roger D. Jamieson on the afternoon of Thursday, the twentieth of April at half-past three o'clock at the residence of Mr. and Mrs. Andrew L. Royce 22 Church Street. It is optional with those issuing wedding invitations Weddings "5 whether cards of admission to the church shall be enclosed with every engraved note-sheet. In a large city, where crowds of idlers collect round a church door, this precaution is essential, otherwise strangers will push in to usurp seats meant for invited friends. Conse- quently, with nearly every city wedding, a card of medium size accompanies the invitation proper and on this is engraved the information, Please present this card at Holy Trinity Church on the afternoon of Thursday, April the twenty-seventh. For out-of-town weddings, to which town dwellers are invited and for whom special railway accommodation to and from the scene of the festivities has been provided, a card of iaformation is enclosed with the invitation sheet. On this card should appear exact information as to the train, with directions briefly added as to where the voucher must be presented at the station. These invitations should be expressed in the terms employed when the rite . ^***"*"f . ': home weddiags IS performed m church, thus : Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Mary Louisa to Mr. John Victor Reynolds at half-past three o'clock on Thursday, the twenty-seventh of April Fourteen, Neville Terrace. As a rule, a home ceremony is celebrated in the pres- ence only of the families and most intimate friends of the contracting parties, to whom invitations in the Ii6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e above form are sent. To the remainder of the acquaint- ances of the bride and groom, invitations to the recep- tion are forwarded. Such invitations are expressed in these terms: Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the pleasure of your company at the wedding reception of their daughter Mary Louisa and Mr. John Victor Reynolds on Thursday, the twenty-seventh of April at four o'clock Fourteen, Neville Terrace. In event of a very large wedding, the invitations are prepared so that some of them request the attendance of acquaintances at the church only. Invitotionsto Others bid a selection of friends to the tions church and also to a home celebration following immediately upon the religious ceremony. Persons who claim a very wide acquaint- ance and possess a home of limited dimensions cannot, of course, ask aU the witnesses of the marriage to par- ticipate in the bridal feast. If a great reception is to foUow on the marriage itself, then all those asked to the church might easUy be included in the home festivities. This extension of hospitaUties is often signified by an engraved line or two below the formal welcome to the church, thus : Afterward, at 3 Elm Street, Reception from four to half-past six o'clock. When this device is not followed, a card similar in size to that one entitling admission to the church gives information of the recep- tion, or, on a larger card, an engraved inscription takes this form: Weddings "7 Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the pleasure of your company on Thursday, April the twenty-seventh from four until seven o'clock J Elm Street. These supplementary cards, announcing a reception > after the church ceremony, are enclosed with as many of the note-sheet invitations as guests at the house are desired. When the invitation to the wedding reception takes either of the above-noted forms, the favor of an answer is rarely or never requested by use of the letters R. S. V. P. But when a wedding at home or at church is followed by a formal breakfast, lunch, or supper, and the company of a selected number of friends is desired, separate cards are used and the favor of an answer is requested. Thus a wedding-breakfast invita- tion would be engraved on a white card of medium size and state the nature of the entertainment in these terms : Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the pleasure of your company at breakfast at half-past twelve (or one) o'clock on Thursday, April the twenty-seventh 3 Elm Place. R. S. V. P. Such a card is withheld from or added to certain invitations. If invitations are issued to an out-of-town wedding, to which railway accommodation is provided, the hosts usually add the letters, R. S. V. P., in order that they may know in advance the amoimt of prepara- tion to make for guests who will arrive from a distance. Ii8 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Very frequently and wisely for the "R. S. V. P," is substituted to-day the good English phrase, " The favor of an answer is requested. " Cards of announcement are issued, as a rule, imme- diately after a wedding takes place. They are, in no sense, invitations, but are intended to ^dd^™^ * convey ia courteous form to the friends of the contracting parties the information of their marriage. Announcement cards are employed when, for good reasons, a marriage has taken place in the quietest possible manner in the presence of a few invited friends. As a rule, the parents of the bride annotmce the marriage; or a brother, married sister, aunt, uncle, or grandparents lend the authority of their name on such cards. Sometimes the announcement is made on a note-sheet of the size, shape, and texture approved for wedding invitations ; but it is more usual to have the information engraved on large cards of fine bristol-board. For varying circumstances the fol- lowing inscriptions would be used : Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke have the honor to announce the marriage oj their daughter Mary Louisa to Mr. John Victor Reynolds on Thursday, April the twenty-fifth nineteen hundred and eleven at St. Andrew's Church Boston. or Weddings "9 Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke have the honor to announce the marriage of their granddaughter Mrs. Alice Taylor Goodwin to Mr. Norman L. Holmes, etc. A recently-united couple, who claim no near relations in whose names they may issue the annoimcement of their marriage, take the following course in informing their frien,ds of their change of state : Mr. Norman L. Holmes and Mrs. Alice Taylor Goodwin have the honor to announce their marriage on Thursday, April the twenty-fifth nineteen hundred and eleven at St. Margaret's Chapel London. These are prone to assume somewhat fanciful forms. For the twenty-fifth anniversary they are often done in silver lettering on silver-edged note- sheets or cards. For the golden wedding, Invitations to in gilt, and always the date of the wedding annivTre^s and of the anniversary occupy, with ini- tials, prominent positions on the chosen stationery. B.R. 1886 1911 Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the pleasure of your company on Tuesday, April the fifth from four until seven o'clock J Elm Place. I20 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage or Blanke — Rogers i86i igii Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke request the pleasure of your company on the fiftieth anniversary of their wedding Thursday afternoon, April the fifth from four until seven o'clock J Elm Place. When cards for a marriage have been issued, and for imperative reasons must be nullified, printed notices are usually posted to all those to whom . ° f,^'^ "^ invitations have been sent. A stationer invitations can usually prepare such cards under twenty-foxir hours' notice, and their wording may be approximately as follows : Owing to the serious illness of their daughter, Mary Louisa, Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke beg to announce that her marriage has been indefinitely postponed, — or Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke have the hofwr to announce that the marriage of their daughter Mary Louisa will not take place on April the twenty-fifth at St. Andrew's Church. If a great church wedding is to be celebrated and followed by an elaborate reception, the invited guests, as a rule, include the friends and acquaint- ^?^. ^ ^, ances of both contracting parties. Invi- weading guests . i , tations are then posted broadcast ; absent friends are remembered; those who live thousands of miles away are honored with invitations, and all persons in mourning receive cards. Usually the groom-elect prepares a list, with the aid of his mother or a sister, Weddings ISI which will include the names of all those in any connec- tion with himself or his family who will expect to be invited. This list he gives to the bride-elect's mother, and to it are added all those allied by ties of blood, friendship, or business with her family. Frequently enough, the bride asks her attendant maids for the names of a few special friends whom they may wish to appear at the wedding. Courtesy requires that the wedding-guest list include an invitation, to the chtirch at least, for the regular physicians of both families and their wives. Invariably the wife of the officiating clergyman is invited to the religious ceremony when it is celebrated in church, and unless the clergyman himself is an utter stranger to the contracting parties, he and his wife are asked to the festivities following upon the religious rites. To the maker of the wedding dress it is usual to send a card for the chtu-ch ceremony. When a wedding reception is to be small and select, or when the guests are to be invited to a formal feast, then the bride-elect must confer with the groom-elect, or his mother, to discover what proportion of his friends and relatives must needs be included in the home cele- bration. When the list of those to be asked to the house must of necessity be limited, then great care should be taken not to overlook important kinspeople and close friends who have a right to expect a bidding to the more intimate ftmction as well as to the rather public ceremony. Not infrequently, when a home wedding is celebrated in considerable privacy, the bride-elect, or her mother, sends short notes to a few of the nearer friends and relatives whose presence they desire at the tying of the knot. Then, to the remainder of the friends and acquaintances of both families, invita- tions to a general reception are posted. These invita- 122 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e tions are engraved on large cards and are worded as indicated on page Ii6. So soon as the invitations for a marriage are issued, tokens of friendly regard, in the form of gifts, are usually sent to the bride-elect, who must Acknowledging ^^^ ^^^ ^^ ^^^^ personally and immedi- wedding gifts ately her thanks for them. A lady may not delegate this duty to any one else, nor dictate her acknowledgments, nor telephone them, nor wait until she meets the donor of a pretty present in order to express her appreciation of the generosity displayed. By her own hand and pen, and in the most graceful phraseology at her command, a bride-elect must write that the gift has been received with pleasure and grati- tude. It makes no difference whether the giver is personally known to her or not, for among bridal gifts many are usually received from business or social connections of the groom-elect. Still, as all these tokens of kindly regard are sent to the bride, on her falls the duty of duly and graceftdly expressing pleasiore in their receipt and possession. Though the acknowl- edgments of wedding gifts may be most briefly ex- pressed on one page of a double sheet of note-paper, the wording of the few lines must be simple, expHcit, and most cordial. To a stranger, a bride-elect might, for example, write somewhat in the following strain : My dear Mrs. Bland : The very beautiful bonbon dishes that arrived yesterday with your own and Mr. Bland's card attached have been greatly admired; not only by those for whom they are intended but by every one else who has seen them. In Mr. Reynolds's name as well as my own, may I express the sincerest appreciation of your most generous remembrance Weddings 123 of us, and with the hope that I may shortly be able to offer my thanks in person, I am. Yours sincerely, Mary L. Blanke. To a friend, a bride might express her gratitude for a gift in this way: Dear Mr. Chalmers: You have indeed been kind to send me so charming a gift. Books are always acceptable, but such superb volumes are treasures to love and cherish and enjoy all one's life. I shall hope to see you at my reception on the twenty-ninth and afterward in my new home, in which your gift will be among our most prized possessions. Yours always sincerely, Mary L. Blanke. When gifts are received previous to the distribution of the wedding cards, and from unexpected sources, it is considered almost an obligation to forward invita- tions to their donors, at least to the church ceremony, unless the marriage is exceptionally quiet. If a young lady has received many and charming gifts, and if she desires to show them to her friends, she decides upon an afternoon, a few days before her marriage, for the display of her new possessions. In some one of the living-rooms of her home, on tables and in their cases, the presents must be bestowed so con- spicuously that all who walk about the room may easily satisfy their pardonable curiosity. Cards, some three days to five days in advance, are posted to all who have sent gifts and to as many other friends and relations as it is desirable to entertain. These invitations are usually nothing more than the calling-card of the bride- elect's mother on which below her name is written in 124 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e ink, To view the wedding gifts, from four to six o'clock, Thursday 21st. Enclosed with this card that of the betrothed yoting lady may be sent. Both mother and daughter may arrange to receive informally on the chosen afternoon and prepare to offer Kght refreshments in the dining-room. The latter expression of hospital- ity is not, however, essential, and the guests may be expected merely to walk about the room where the gifts are displayed, linger a few moments thereafter, and then take leave. Whether or not the cards of the donors shotdd be at- tached to every gift is a question to be decided by the exhibitors. There is no nile to quote for or against the practice of displaying the cards. When it is more con- venient to do so, the gifts are displayed on the wed- ding day, while the reception is being held ; but this is no longer a strictly fashionable method of giving the friends of both families a chance to see the possessions of the happy pair. Should an engagement be suddenly broken off or dissolved by death after a number of wedding gifts have been presented, it then becomes the duty of the lady most deeply concerned, or her family, to return aU. these material evidences of friendly regard that have been received. Every gift must be packed with the utmost care; its carriage must be prepaid, but no necessity exists for enclosing with it cards of explanation or regret. A fashionable and elaborate wedding is a rather expensive function, its cost and difficulties devolving chiefly upon the parents of the bride- e cos o a elect, or upon those who stand in Keu of wedding ^ her parents. When a bride-elect is an orphan, possessed of no near relatives, and she cele- Weddings 125 brates her marriage under the chaperonage of a matron friend in modish society, on her own purse and not that of the groom-elect must fall the chief cost of the func- tion. Such is the conventional ruling. Outside the jurisdiction of the formal laws of fashionable society, a contracting couple may arrange their wedding and its expenses to stiit their pockets and their conveniences, but within the realms of the conventional circles it is the established rule that the parents of the lady con- cerned pay, first of all, for the wedding invitations ; for the opening and decoration of the church ; for the awn- ing at the church door; the sexton's fees, and for the music. In event of a reception, breakfast, dinner, supper, or dance, at house or hotel following upon the ceremony, the groom-elect is expected to bear none of the cost. The lady's family pays for the carriage that takes her to the chiirch, also for carriages provided for the bridesmaids. When an out-of-town wedding is held, they also defray the hxxury of a special train and carriages at the cotmtry railway station, if such accom- modations are to be offered. For a home wedding, or hotel wedding, the lady's family pays for every luxury and necessity with the exception of the clergyman's fee, the bride's bouquet, and ring. For a fashionable church wedding, the date of which has been settled in advance, a bridal cortege is usually arranged. There is no obligation resting on a bride to celebrate her marriage by ^ bnde s a typical procession of fair maidens, pages, etc. A yotmg lady may suitably, in the pre- sence of ntunerous friends, proceed to the altar on the arm of her father, preceded by her ushers and a maid, or matron, of honor, or without this support. f26 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e A large and gay wedding, however, usually signifies a bevy of maids, a group of ushers, and some flower- maidens, pages, or an attendant of honor. When a fuU procession is decided upon, the bride-elect selects those who are to form her cortege. An elaborate wed- ding procession usually consists of six, eight, or even ten, bridesmaids : a maid, or matron, of honor, and two flower-girls, or two pages. Often enough, when a very beautiful scene is to be enacted, both pages and flower- girls are chosen. The bride does not choose the best man, nor the ushers, though in the naming of the latter she usually has considerable voice. Bridesmaids are selected from among her unmarried and usually youthful feminine friends and relatives. If the groom-elect has an available sister or cousin, she should be invited to take part as an attendant maid. By note, or in person, a young lady invites her friends to serve as her bridal attendants. When 'they grant her wish, she immediately informs them of her decision concerning the colors, fabric, and design for their gowns, hats, etc, A few rich brides have gone so far in their generous attentions toward their maids as to give them their complete outfits; others have merely bestowed gloves, bouquets, jeweled souvenirs, or the muffs, bags, or parasols they wish the maids to carry. But, with the exception of the bouquets and souvenirs, it is not essential for the bride-elect to provide her maids with any part of their toilets. Not infrequently the groom claims the privilege of bestowing the souvenir trinkets as well as the bouquets upon the bridesmaids and femi- nine attendant of honor. When he claims this right, the bride-elect should yield to his wishes, but advises him in the choice of both the nature of the trinkets Weddings 127 and type of flowers she desires her fair escort to display. Formerly, a favorite maiden friend, or sister of the bride, was selected to assume the part of maid of honor, to walk alone up the aisle in advance of the bride. Nowa- days, a very ancient fashion has been revived of inviting as often as not a young matron friend or relative to bear this part as matron of honor or bride's woman. When very youthful attendants take part in a wedding pro- cession, as pages or flower-girls, they are selected from among the near and childish relatives of the bride-, or groom-elect. They are garbed in fancy costume, to which babyish beauty lends itself so readily, and they walk immediately behind or in front of the bride, to bear her train or baskets of flowers. It is usual for a young lady, whose attendants are to be numerous, to give, not later than a week before her wedding, an entertainment in honor of her maids. Ordinarily, this attention takes the form of a luncheon party at which the pretty brooches, bracelets, bags, or pendants, that serve as souvenir gifts from the bride- elect, to be worn on the wedding day, are presented. The carriages in which the bridesmaids and attendant of honor proceed to church and house, and then home again, are usually provided by the bride's parents, unless these young ladies have carriages of their own which they may prefer to use. The girls and boys who serve as pages and flower-maidens are brought to the church by their elders who, of course, provide their costumes. To these pretty attendants the bride is expected to give souvenirs and the flowers she requires them to carry. The chauffeurs or coachmen who drive the vehicles in which the feminine members of the immediate bridal party are transported to and from the X2S Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e church usually wear white favors in their buttonholes, or big knots of white flowers. These the bride provides. With regard to the ushers, the bride's obligations are limited to the matter of their boutonnieres. These she may or may not provide. The point should be decided between herself and her future husband. He consults her concerning the naming of these gentlemen, but she does not ask them to give their services. When a large and elaborate chirrch wedding is decided upon, a rehearsal of the bridal procession is almost essential in order to secure the ^^^"ti graceful maneuvering of the cortege on the marriage day. Usually on some after- noon or evening foiu: to six days before the wedding, all those who are to specially participate in it are asked by the bride-elect to present themselves at the chtirch and rehearse the order of entrance and exit. A re- hearsal is often accepted as an occasion on which the mother of the prospective bride may, at an informal tea or bufEet supper, entertain the members of the wed- ding party. There is no necessity, however, for this extension of hospitality, and after meeting at the church and taking part in the rehearsal, all the yotmg people may be allowed to disperse as informally as they assembled. Any day of the year, save Sunday and national hoUdays, is stdtable for the celebration of weddings; but custom, superstition, convenience, ^? ° ® and above all, fashion, have helped to fix certain days and certain seasons as more propitious than others. Thus the Friday wedding and the Lenten wedding are rarities. Weddings in June 'Weddings 129 and October are apt to be blessed with rarely beautiful weather and a superabundance of flowers. Evening weddings are still celebrated, but are not fashionable. Weddings before twelve o'clock in the morning are qtiiet ; after twelve and until fotir p.m. are the fashionable and convenient afternoon hours. If it is to be a large and fashionable function, what- ever the weather and season may be, an awning and carpet are essential at the door. Here a man in coachman's Hvery must be sta- *^ .^"^ •' _ wedding tioned to open carriage doors, give checks to drivers, and control the placing and calling of the bridal equipages. Within the chtirch, the decorations may be as simple or elaborate as the taste and means of the bride's family may dictate. Well in advance the organist shoiild be consulted as to the musical pro- gramme, and a series of front pews to the right and left of the center aisle be allotted for the use of the families and nearest friends of the contracting parties. The bride's nearest and dearest sit to the left of the center aisle; those persons most closely connected with the groom sit to the right of this aisle. It is important that the ushers be given a hst of all those whom it is essential to place above the barrier, as the seats for the families are usually reserved from the seats for other guests by a white-satin ribbon or floral gates, or a wreath of flowers. For a wedding to which a great number of spectators are invited, it is sometimes necessary to send out with every invitation a seat-number written on the admission card. In accordance with these numbers, the seating capacity of the pews is divided up, and the ushers are then enabled to place aU the guests accurately and promptly. Again, and in order to save confusion, it Ls 130 Cyclopaedia of Social TJsa^e an excellent plan for the hostess of the occasion to write, on those admission cards intended for persons who have a right to sit above the white ribbon, the words, Above the ribbon to the left (or to the right). The bride's mother and immediate family always precede her to the church. The head usher may give his arm to the mother of the lady about to be married and escort her to her seat; or she may walk to her place in the front pew on the left on the arm of her son. With her father, brother, uncle, or that gentleman who is to perform the ceremony of giving her away, the bride drives to the church door and proceeds up the aisle on the right arm of her relative. If the bride has no near masctdine member of her family who may perform this office for her, she may walk up the aisle alone or with her mother. A mother does not, however, proceed with a bride to the altar, but stops at her own pew per- mitting her child to go on toward the clergyman and groom alone. When the clergyman asks who gives the woman to the man, the bride's mother rises, saying quietly, "I do" and then resumes her place. There are so many ways of arranging the order in which a long bridal cortege shall move up and down an aisle that no absolute rule may here be . set down concerning the marshaling of the graceful forces. However, when a bride is attended by ushers and but one attendant of honor, it is customary for the ushers to precede her up the aisle walking two and two. After them walks the dame d'honneur. The rear of this short procession is brought up by the bride on her father's right arm. When maids and pages and flower-girls are added to the pretty show, the ushers walk first two and two ; then come the Weddings 131 maids in pairs, then the attendant of honor, then the flower-maidens immediately before the bride, and lastly the pages, who seldom actually bear the bride's train. Occasionally we see a wedding procession heralded by choir-boys singing as they walk from door to chancel, or the flower-girls walk before the bride strewing before her fresh rose petals from baskets. Again, a bride is preceded by one page or one maiden who carries her bouquet. There are, indeed, many charming varia- tions to be played on this theme, but when the members of the cortege reach the chancel the arrangement is usually followed of disposing half of the ushers and half the number of maids to the right and left, tiU they form a crescent-shaped guard of well-dressed strength and beauty on both sides the group most intimately partici- pating in the ceremony. The bride on reaching that point where the clergyman, the groom, and his best man stand, takes her place to the left of her future hus- band; her father or relative falls a pace in the rear, giving the attendant of honor the right to stand at the bride's left. As the ceremony reaches that point where the act of giving the bride away is begun, the lady's father or relative steps forward at the clergyman's question and, taking his daughter's hand, places it in the outstretched palm of the groom. Bowing as he does so to the clergy- man, he answers his question with the words "I do," and then steps down quietly to join his family in their pew. When the bride has no attendant of honor, the gentleman who led her to the altar may remain at her side, or a trifle in the rear, till the marriage rites are complete. In this case he holds her bouquet, prayer- book, and glove till she is ready to resume their charge, and then, handing them to her, goes at once to his place 132 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage in her family's pew. Sometimes the care of the bride's belongings is confided to her page, but they are nearly always given to her maid or matron of honor when such an attendant is in waiting. Pages and flower-girls usu- ally stand apart from the rest of the bride's escort, in a pretty group behind her, or two and two to right and left, but somewhat nearer to her than the rest of her supporters. When all the rites are spoken, the newly-wedded pair leads the procession down the aisle, unless there is the ceremony of flower-strewing to be performed by Httle maids. Then the children, with their baskets, lead the way, the bride following upon the groom's right arm. Behind the man and wife the maid or matron of honor walks alone, unless by special prearrangement the groom's best man is to give her his arm. This last- mentioned arrangement is not followed when the bridesmaids are to proceed down the aisle two and two, followed by the ushers in the order in which they walked to the altar. But if every bridesmaid is to pace down the aisle on an usher's arm, then the best man walks with the lady of honor. It is customary for the organist to play a selection of appropriate compositions while the spectators are assembhng and being seated. Not tUl he receives warning that aU of the bridal party have arrived does he begin his wedding march, which must herald the appearance of the bridal procession. As soon as the religious ceremony is complete, and the bride and her husband turn from the chancel, another wedding march must ring out and is played and re- played till the whole congregation has dispersed. When the last of the procession has passed the head of the aisle, the family of the bride leaves the pews, followed immediately by the family of the groom. W^eddings 153 Often enough when a great house or a stately suite of hired rooms afford space and vistas for the manipula- tion of a procession, a house wedding is but a church ceremony in little. At the weddine end of a spacious drawing-room an altar may be erected, banked with superb flowers and illu- minated with candles. From standards of flowers, placed at intervals from altar to door, a fragrant aisle may be formed, by drawing broad white-satin ribbon between the floral pillars. Down this pretty aisle the bride may walk, heralded by hidden musicians, and to right and left of her pathway the guests may stand or sit in rows of light hired chairs. But for such proceedings space is requisite, and for the reason that it is not often at command in private houses the home wedding is usually a simple affair. The room in which the rite is to be performed is always decorated prettily with flowers, and a place is reserved for the wedding group at one end. The clergyman, if he wears vestments, is given a robing- room and walks to his place but a moment before the entrance of the bride, followed by the groom and best man. The bride then enters on her father's, brother's or other relative's arm, preceded by a maid or matron of honor, and as soon as the ceremony is finished, she and her husband merely turn and face the assembled company to accept good wishes and congratulations. For a very qtiiet wedding, at chiirch or house, cele- brated in the presence of the two families and their most intimate friends, a light buffet lunch is often served after the ceremony at the "^^ wedding xcstivitv bride's home. Such a refection usually consists of cups of hot or cold bouillon, according to season; meats in aspic; pastry shells filled with hot 134 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e preparations of fish or fowl ; meat and vegetable salads ; ices, rich hot pudding; fruit in season; cofifee; cham- pagne and a red wine. All the delicacies are served in the manner described as appropriate for a buffet supper at a ball, Chapter Seven, page 240. More ceremonious and more difficult is the wedding feast which takes the form of a set luncheon or breakfast. This may be an elaborate course meal, served at one enormous table, or at three or four small ones. If the company is divided, one table is arranged for the use of the bridal party; that is to say, the bride and groom, their attendants, and the parents of the newly-wedded couple sit at one table. Occasionally, the maid or matron of honor and the best man take the seats of honor side by side at that table at which all the bridal attendants are gathered, while the bride and groom head another table, the chairs of which are filled by their immediate relations. The management of such a wedding breakfast or luncheon is exactly the same as that outlined in Chapter Eight, page 263, with the following exception to the general rule : the bride, on her husband's arm, leads the way to the dining-room. She is followed, first by lier mother- in-law on her father's arm, by her father-in-law who gives his arm to her mother, then by the best man and the attendant of honor, and, finally, by all the maids and ushers, and then the guests in the order in which they are to sit together. When the clergyman is present, he is asked to bless the meal. The decorations at the bride's table are usually carried out in white and green. The best man, or the head usher, usually proposes the health of the bride. A dinner party following on a marriage would require a service and menu as indicated in Chapter Five, page 172. The exceptions to the rules there set down would be in favor of decorations of white 'Weddings 135 and green. The bride and groom wotdd sit at the head of the table, with the bride's mother on the right of the groom and the groom's father to the left of the bride. The foot of the table would be taken by the father of the bride and mother of the groom, having next to them, on the one hand, the attendant of honor, and on the other, the best man. As the greater number of weddings are followed by a reception, btiffet refreshments are always served as at a large and formal at-home given for the introduction of a debutante (see Chapter Seventeen). The only change in the accepted order of procedure followed at a debutante reception wotild be that of arranging the drawing-room so that the guests, in a constant stream, pass from the host and hostess by the door to the bride and groom at another point near the windows, or in the center of the room. Usually, at a wedding reception, the parents of the bride take their positions by the door to welcome guests as they enter; the bride and groom are then so conspicuously placed, under a floral bell, or heart, or wreath, that the weU-wishing guest cannot fail to find them. Then, near at hand, the parents of the groom stand in order to see and greet aU their special friends. Not infrequently, the four parents of the bride and groom stand together to receive. At a wed- ding reception, it is usual for the attendant maids to stand for a while in a pretty group near the bride and groom. The ushers and best man may be properly occupied by taking strangers up to the happy pair and performing introductions. It is not customary for the bride and groom to leave their posts of duty till the guests have all arrived, and the host and hostess must remain by the door to give greetings as long as new- comers are presenting themselves. J$6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e It is for the bride and her mother to choose in what form this indispensable confection shall be offered. Formerly, the cutting of the frosted, sil- The bridal cake . • •, , vu Tu u -^ ^ i! j ver-tnmmed loaf by the bnde s own hand was an essential feature of every wedding. Too often this pretty ceremony is forgotten, and instead the portions of rich cake are packed in satin-paper-clad boxes, and piled in a hallway, that guests may help themselves as to a grocer's free samples of soap and tea. All lovers of pretty tradition and old custom still insist upon the bride's loaf, which occupies a conspicu- ous position in the dining-room. This rich composi- tion, gorgeously decorated, is cut at the end of a breakfast, luncheon, or dinner party. The bride rises and wields the knife herself, separating the first slice for her attendant of honor, and then giving slices to all her other maids, to the ushers, and to the best man. Thereafter, some other hand may finish partitioning the cake. When such a loaf is nowadays pro- vided, it is often made of a size to permit of its partition only among the members of the bridal party and families. For the remainder of the guests, boxed cake is arranged, and every participator in the festivities is privileged to carry away a daintily envel- oped piece of fruity loaf. Wedding-cake boxes are always white, and show in gilt or silver letters the entwined initials of the newly-married couple. This the bride always receives from the groom, and she may expect to be consulted by him as to her prefer- ence in its shape and the flowers of which The bnde's -^ • ^ , ■, a , • i bouquet ^* ^^ ^^ "C composed. A bnde carries her bouquet to the altar, gives it in charge of an attendant while her ring is being adjusted, and "Weddings I37 again carries it down the aisle. It usually is held by her during her reception. Before leaving her home a bride often pulls her wedding bouquet to pieces, to give knots of flowers from it to her maids and unmarried women friends as souvenirs. A bride drives always from the church to the scene of her wedding entertainment in the company of her husband, and she is expected to greet „ ^, . .. . , , ,. ,. „ , r ■ ■, Howthebnde With amiable cordianty all those friends g(,gs away who attend to offer their good wishes. Usually, on returning home, the bride embraces first her parents, then the other near and dear members of her household, and salutes with a kiss her parents-in- law and her attendant maids. Thereafter, she stands beside her husband, shaking hands cordially with all her friends and saying in answer to good wishes, " Thank you so much, " — or " You are very kind to say so many charming things. " At a prearranged moment the bride leaves the assembled company and retires to change her gown. This she does whether she is about to sail for Europe or merely to pass to her new home across the street. On leaving the shelter of her home, a bride takes formal leave of every-one and drives off with her husband toward whatever may be her immediate destination. A widow may celebrate her second marriage with as much elaboration and gaiety as her first. She may again be married from her parents' house, „, iT 1 1. r 4.1- 1. • The etiquette of or from her own home, or from the hospi- second mairiages table roof of a friend. She may celebrate her wedding ceremony in church or in a private drawing- room, and show her gifts and accept good wishes 138 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e exactly as a maiden bride wotild. She does not, how- ever, assume again a white wedding costume nor claim the support of many attendants. What her dress should be is explained on page 154. At a widow's wedding ushers may serve, and the lady goes to the altar to be given away by a near male relative, or by her mother. Not more than one feminine attendant, and that a lady of honor, accompanies a widow to the altar; though for the second marriage of a young woman, pages in pretty fancy costumes may appropriately appear. A widow drives to the church with the gentleman who is to give her away and she leaves the sacred edifice with her husband. After a second marriage, cake is always dis- tributed and the home celebration may take any of the forms already suggested as suitable for a maiden bride. Nowadays, set toasts in formal complimentary speeches are seldom spoken at weddings, but if they are to be offered, their grace of expression and Bridal toasts and spontaneity are their only excuse. Mem- healths ,^ . ,.,,. ., ,, , bers of a bnde s family are seldom the first to propose toasts of her health. This courtesy must come from among the friends or family of the groom. The newly-made husband is the first to respond. Toasts and healths are spoken near the con- clusion of the home festivities. The bride remains seated when her health is drunk. At the conclusion of the little ceremony, she bows and smiles but makes no spoken return for even the most lavish compliments. This is usually the first attendant a bride selects, and if she is asked to serve by means of a note or an invita- tion preferred in person, she must imme- e mai diately give a definite answer, with hearty thanks for the compliment thus paid her. "Wedding's I39 A maid of honor in all questions of toilet, etc., must expect to obey the wishes and instructions of the bride or her mother. She sends the bride a gift, and if her parents or immediate family are not known to the lady she serves, she does not ask invitations for them to the wedding. At the altar, by previous directions, the maid of honor must know where to stand, whether she is to take charge of the bouquet and glove when the ring is adjusted, and with whom she is to walk down the aisle and drive to the bride's home. At a wedding reception, the maid of honor usually stands for some time a Httle in the rear of the bridal couple, and, if invited to do so, accompanies the bride to assist in the making of the going-away toilet. If a young lady is asked to serve as maid of honor to a friend who Uves a journey's distance from her home, she may justly expect to be invited to be the house guest of the bride's parents untU the day after the wedding. If she resides in the same neighborhood as the bride, she may expect to have a carriage placed at her disposal to and from her own door, unless she has one of her own which she may correctly volunteer to use. At the wed- ding, a maid of honor wears the souvenir of the occasion bestowed on her by the bride, and the day of the wedding receives suitable flowers from the bride or groom, if bouquets are to be carried by the attendants. When a maid of honor receives her souvenir trinket and her bouquet from the groom, she must immediately send him an acknowledgment of their arrival, with thanks for them in the form of a short and friendly note. After a wedding, a maid of honor who resides near the home of the bride's parents calls on the mother of her friend within ten days or two weeks. She should 140 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e also be among the first to call upon the bride if she settles in a near residential district. A matron of honor is nearly always the married sister of the bride. If not, a matron cousin or very dear friend is chosen for this part. In every honor^ °^ detail, save as regards her dress, a matron of honor conducts herself as would a maid of honor. Sometimes, when a bride is not given away by a male relative, she drives with her matron of honor to the church and walks beside her up the aisle, but the bride does not lean on her arm. For directions con- cerning the dress of a matron of honor see this Chapter, page 154. A young lady who is invited to serve as a bridesmaid gives a very prompt and decisive answer to the compU- mentary request. In aU matters of dress, maids" ''^ ^^^•' ^^^^^Z ^ the wedding, she yields absolute submission to the wishes of the bride-elect and her mother. If the friend who is about to be married wishes to bestow the entire outfit on her maids or only certain addenda of their toilets, her taste and wishes must be allowed the deciding vote. A bridesmaid may expect to be entertained at a Itmcheon or breakfast or small reception by the bride's mother. If no entertainment is held, the bride-elect will send the souvenirs her maids are to wear on the wedding day, also their bouquets. In that case, or if these gifts are presented by the groom, then the recipient of them writes a graceful note of acknowledgment and thanks. Otherwise, a bridesmaid expresses her pleasure at receiving the little souvenir ornament on the occasion when the bride-elect distributes them in person. Brides- jnaids frequently unite in giving a wedding gift. There is no reason why their gifts, however, shoiold not be separate. Usually, on the occasion of a wedding recep- tion, the maids wait till after the bride's departure with her husband before taking leave. They are among the first to wish the bride all happiness and congrattdate the groom, and after the wedding it is necessary for them to call upon the bride's mother when they reside in her neighborhood. The special expenses that fall to the lot of a gentleman about to be married include the cost of the license ; the fee to the clergyman; the wedding ring; ^^ XJ16 groom the bride's bouquet ; the souvenirs for the ushers; their gloves and ties; the souvenir, gloves, and tie for the best man ; the carriage in which he and his best man proceed to the scene of the marriage; the carriage in which he and his bride proceed from church to house and from house to the railway station or that point from which the wedding journey commences. When a prospective groom invites a friend to serve as his best man, and that friend must needs travel from a distance to fulfill the graceful office, the groom may offer to act as his host during his friend's sojourn in the bride's neighborhood, though this is not essential. It remains with a groom-elect to decide whether he wishes to entertain his best man, his ushers, and a few more near masculine associates at a farewell bachelor dinner. When a big and fashionable wedding is in prospect, this hospitality is expected and is usually celebrated in a private dining-room of a hotel. A dinner is the accepted form which this final bachelor festivity takes. To it no ladies are invited. The best man usually occupies the foot of the table and at every cover is placed the 142 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage scarf-pin, sleeve-links, watch-charm or other souvenil that the groom is presenting to his masculine supporters. Sometimes the wedding gloves and ties are given simultaneously with the souvemirs, but many prefer to have these details of the toUet delivered to the gentle- men concerned the day before the ceremony. When these essentials are supplied by the groom-elect, he presents ties and gloves of similar patterns to all his ushers and to his best man. These are usually of cut and color similar to those the groom purposes to wear himself. In all details concerning the maneuvering of the wedding procession, the ordering of the subsequent festivities, etc., a groom is obHged to defer entirely to the wishes of his bride and her mother. He may expect his bride to select some of her maids from among the young ladies of his immediate family, if he has sisters eUgible to these honors, and he reciprocates by including in his list of ushers several friends or relatives of the bride and by consulting her in the selection of his supporters. In the choice of a best man a groom is obKged to defer to no preference but his own. Usually a brother, cousin, or friend of long standing is asked to serve, and the prejudice in favor of the exclusion of married men from this office is passing away. It is customary for a groom to seek his jeweler alone when he buys his bride's wedding ring. Previously, though, he consults the lady to learn her preference in size and style of gold circlet, and on the morning of the wedding day he gives the ring into the safe-keeping of his best man. If it is the groom's wish to present the bridesmaids with their bouquets, he also takes counsel with his bride on this point and foUows her wishes in the selection of the maids' flowers and those of the bride's "Weddings I43 bouquet. These flowers must be delivered from the florist the morning of the wedding day, with the groom's card attached to every separate consignment. On the bouquet cards nothing need be written. The day of his wedding a groom-elect does not at- tempt to see his bride till he meets her at the altar, and, in good time, before proceeding to the scene of the mar- riage, he sends to the home of the bride a traveling-case filled with those clothes which he purposes to substitute for his wedding garments and to wear on the first stage of his honeymoon journey. To his best man, in the form of a check or single new banknote, he gives the fee for the clergyman. This is usually folded into an envelope small enough to fit into the best man's waistcoat pocket. "When more than one clergyman officiates at a wedding, the groom is expected to fee all the reverend gentlemen who assist in the tying of the nuptial knot. With his best man the groom drives to the church at least a quarter of an hour before the bride is expected. This carriage or motor-car may be ordered to be in readiness before the church door l^°u™ 1* the church to receive the wedded pair on their exit after the ceremony. Another vehicle must then be placed at the disposal of the best man, for he should be provided with conveyance from the church to the bride's home. The groom and best man usually wait in the vestry-room, or clergyman's office in the rear of the chancel, and not until the signal of the bride's arrival at the door is given do they follow the clergyman into the view of the congregation. As the bride arrives at the head of the aisle, the groom may hand his hat and gloves to his best man, and, advancing, join the lady of his choice before the clergyman. At the conclu- 144 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e sion of the ceremony, the groom offers his right arm to lead her from the altar, accepting his hat and gloves from the best man as he starts down the aisle. He may, however, decide to leave both hat and gloves in the vestry-room and expect the best man to hand these possessions to him at the chtirch door before he steps into his carriage. At a wedding dinner, breakfast, or reception, the duties of the groom are to stand beside his bride and accept introductions, greetings, and congratulations. When the bride's health is proposed he bows to the proposer and, rising, lifts his glass, turning toward his wife as he drinks. In answer to congratulations he need say no more than " Thank you, " — or "7 am fortunate indeed, " — or "/ will quite agree that I am blessed beyond my merits. " When the newly-made husband retires to change from wedding to traveling clothes, he orders the suit- and-hat case, containing the garments he has doffed, to be placed in the vehicle in which he is to depart, con- fers with his best man regarding the newspaper an- noxmcement of his marriage, and as soon as news is brought him that his wife is ready to depart, joins her in the hallway. Here it is his duty to take leave, with thanks, of his wife's parents, who also have been his host and hostess, of the bridesmaids, ushers, andi lastly, of the best man. That relative or friend of the groom who serves as best man is privileged to make his wedding gift an individual one, that is to say, he bestows on the groom something for his personal use or enjoyment, though, if he likes, he may also send a stdtable remembrance W^eddings 145 to the bride. The active services a best man renders are those of assisting his friend in planning the wedding journey and procuring the tickets and ac- commodations for the same. On the day The responsibUi- ,. , • , 11 1 i_c J. ties of a best of the marriage he usually breakfasts or man lunches with the groom, takes charge of the ring and fee, and drives with the groom to the church or house where the ceremony is to take place. At a church wedding, he leaves his own hat va the vestry- room and may take charge of the hat and gloves of the groom in the chancel. Conveniently, in his waistcoat pocket, the ring and fee must be in readiness for produc- tion at the right moment. The clergyman gives the cue for the production of the ring, which the best man hands to the groom. At the conclusion of the ceremony, he hands the groom his hat and gloves or gives them to him at the church door. Unless the best man is expected to walk down the aisle with the maid or matron of honor, he offers the fee to the clergyman in the vestry- room to which he returns to gain possession of his own hat and gloves, and drives. at once alone, or with the clergyman, to the home of the bride's parents. If he is to escort the dame or demoiselle d'honneur, his hat must be quickly brought from the vestry, by an attendant, to the church door; the fee he presents before leaving the chancel, and his right arm should be offered to the lady who is waiting to be led out to her carriage. At a wedding reception, the duties of the best man are to first offer congratulations and good wishes to the happy pair, then to assist in bringing up to the bride or groom strangers who desire an introduction, and at an oppor- tune moment to Uft a brimming glass of champagne, saying : "7 have the honor to ask you to drink with me to the 146 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e health and happiness of Mrs. ." Or the best man may rise and, lifting his glass, call out : " The health and happiness of the bride, " — or merely " The bride, ladies and gentlemen. " At the groom's wish, the best man accompanies him, when the hotir of departiire draws near, to assist him in changing from wedding to traveling gear; to see that tickets, etc., are all in order, and sometimes the best man hurries on to the railway station or steamer dock to check the baggage, deposit flowers on reserved car- seats or in a stateroom, and be the last of many friends to wish the happy pair Godspeed on the honeymoon. After a wedding, a best man calls formally on the bride's mother if he is a resident in her neighborhood. A gentleman who is asked to serve as an usher responds to the groom-elect with his thanks and regrets or acceptance of the honor received. e u eso ^^ usher who lives in the bride-elect's an usher town or neighborhood calls upon her and sends her flowers. If he does not know her, he asks that her future husband will take him to call. An usher's wedding gift is sent to the bride, as a rtale. From the bride-elect, or her mother, an usher takes aU the direc- tions as to his conduct diuing the chturch ceremony. These ladies decide who is, or is not, to sit above the white ribbon. They inform him carefully as to the arrangements for seating guests, when the doors of the church will be open, etc., etc. An usher presents him- self at the church wearing the groom's souvenir and the bride's boutonniere, at least ten minutes before the first wedding guest can be expected. As guests arrive, he escorts the ladies to seats by offering the eldest of a group his right arm. The earliest arrivals must be "Weddings H7 given the best seats below those reserved for the fami- lies of the contracting couple, unless a guest's express wish is to be placed far back. An usher, on greeting a wedding guest, whether he claims acquaintance or not, says: "May I show you a seat?" If a lady appears accompanied by a gentleman, the usher may either offer her his arm, leaving the gentle- man to foUow after, or he may say : " Please follow me, " and lead the way to a pew. An usher in doubt as to the position above or below the ribbon that a guest should occupy is privileged to say, even to a stranger : "Are you a relative of Miss or Mr. ?" As a rule, guests have been informed that they are to sit above the ribbon and mention their right to the usher. When the bride arrives, the duty of the ushers is to close the central doors of the church leading to the main aisle that this passage may remain closed. Late arrivals must then be left to wait outside the church door a moment, or must enter by side doors and seat them- selves as best they may. As the wedding march breaks out, the ushers walk two and two up the aisle, taking their positions, as prearranged, ' at the chancel. On moving down the aisle in the wake of the married pair, the ushers again walk together or with the bridesmaids, and drive off immediately to the scene of the wedding festivity. At a reception, an usher brings up guests to speak to the bride and groom. An usher offers his arm to perform this service for a lady. The ushers usually linger with the bridesmaids after the bulk of the wed- ding guests have retired, in order to bid the departing husband and wife a hearty farewell. A fortnight or I4S Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e three weeks after a wedding, an usher should call for- mally on the lady in whose house he was entertained at a breakfast or reception. Where the intention of an invited guest is to honor a wedding card by appearing in the Answering assemblage at chvirch, no need exists for wedding invitations acknowledging a wedding invitation. The wedding cards that show the letters R. S. V. P. must be duly answered and most promptly, thus: Mr. and Mrs. Andrew L. Brown accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke to the marriage of their daughter and Mr. John Victor Reynolds on Thursday, the twenty-seventh of April at half-past three o'clock. or Miss Eleanor A. Brown regrets that by reason of absence from town she will be unable to attend the wedding reception of Mr. and Mrs. Julian Blanke" s daughter and Mr. John Victor Reynolds on Thursday, the twenty-seventh of April at four o'clock. Such a response is written out on the first page of a double sheet of note-paper and addressed to Mrs. Julian Blanke or to that person in whose name the invitation is issued. If an invitation to a wedding reception makes no request for a reply, the invited guest who is unable to attend the festivity sends cards 'Weddings H9 by post or the hand of a messenger to the house of the bride's parents on the wedding day. A married couple invited would send two of the wife's cards and four of the husband's ; a young gentleman woiald enclose in an envelope four of his cards; an unmarried lady would send two, only, of her cards. Persons in mourning, or those who live at a very great distance from the scene of the wedding, send their cards in response to a wedding invitation which signifies a reception to follow the cere- mony and which does not bear the letters R. S. V. P. Cards to an anniversary reception, or breakfast, or ball, are acknowledged by written replies, when an answer is requested; or by posted visiting-cards when no answer is demanded and when the recipient is unable to attend the celebration. Announcement cards are frequently acknowledged by means of a formal card leaving on the bride's mother. If, with each annotmce- ment card, a second card is enclosed, indicating the future home and reception day of the bride, recipients of the marriage notification also call, leave, or post their visiting-cards to the address given as well as to the mother of the newly-made wife. Sometimes on the cards sent to the bride's home a few words expressive of good wishes are graceftdly written. But this is only done by those persons who live at too great a distance to permit of their calling upon the bride, or by ladies in mourning so deep, or afflicted by invaHdism so severe, that a call in due form is out of the question. The majority of wedding presents, though intended for the common possession and enjoyment of a pair soon to be tmited, are always sent to the bride-elect. A wedding gift is most ap- wedding gifts propriately forwarded, carriage prepaid, ^ ^ 150 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e from the shop where it is purchased to the bride-elect at her parents' home at any time from three weeks to two days before her marriage. With a gift, its donor's card should be enclosed and on the bit of bristol-board may or may not be written such a phrase as, With sincere good wishes. Gifts of Hnen or silver when marked show the bride's initials. Checks for sums of money are rarely given as wedding presents by . any save relatives or old and intimate friends of the betrothed pair. Persons who claim but the most recent and formal acquaintance with a bride- or groom-elect need not feel it an essential duty to send a wedding gift in response to a wedding invitation. Friends of a groom who have had no opportunity of making the acquaintance of his bride do not, for that reason, refrain from following the conven- tional ruling which declares that gifts should be sent to the bride. Unless previously informed of a right to a seat above the white ribbon, no guest should presume to take or ask for a position of honor at a church dTv^ch wedding wedding. It is a duty and a compUment to all those most vitally concerned to arrive at a church at least from fifteen to twenty min- utes in advance of the hour set for the ceremony. The guest so delayed as to arrive simtdtaneously with the bridal party, or after the bride has passed up the aisle, should considerately enter quietly and unobtrusively and accept any near vacancy among the seats. To push forward at this juncture claiming a front seat or a good point of vantage for viewing the ceremony is neither civil nor kindly. When the bride and groom and attendants turn to pass down the aisle, the guests must be content to wait till the cortege has passed and the families of the contracting parties have gone their ways before leaving the pews and crowding forward to seek conveyance from the church. Persons in deep mourning who attend big church weddings show a species of deHcate consideration by taking seats so well in the rear that their somber raiment wiU not cast a shadow on the gaiety of the scene. When invited to a reception, breakfast, or ball, to foUow a marriage ceremony, a guest, on departure from the church, usually proceeds at once to the house of the bride's parents. It is wedding essential, on arrival at the home or hotel festivity where a reception is held, to lay aside only the heaviest outer wraps. A gentleman leaves his overcoat and umbrella in the hall, or in a coat-room if one is provided, along with his hat. He may, however, carry hat and stick and right-hand glove in his left hand and so approach the drawing-room door. There he gives his name to the servant, if there is one on hand to annotmce the guests, and, entering, greets his hostess and host. He then passes on immediately to the newly- married couple if he knows them. If he is a stranger to bride and groom, he may ask an usher to introduce him. His congratulations are offered to the groom, and his good wishes to the bride. After this he is privileged to pass on and seek his friends and refreshment in the dining-room. If a gentleman accompanies a lady to a wedding reception, he waits for her in the hall, follows her into the presence of host and hostess, and finds refreshment first for her. A woman guest at a wedding reception does not remove her hat, scarf, wrap, veil, or gloves, and usually carries her card-case, or fancy bag, 152 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e and parasol in her hands. On entering the presence of her hostess she precedes her masculine escort, and in the dining-room does not help herself to any refreshment. Her escort, or the servants, or any masculine friend who accompanies her to the dining-room wiU see to her wants; otherwise her conduct need not deviate in its main outlines from that pursued by a masculine guest. If she arrives alone at the reception and is not acquain- ted with the bride and groom, she may ask for an intro- duction to the happy pair and express her good wishes. Both men and women retire from a wedding reception when they please: that is, after lingering ten minutes or an hour and a half. It is not essential to seek out host and hostess and bride and groom and bid them adieu. Only when requested to do so, and when very intimate with the bride or groom, shotild a guest linger, after the majority of the company has disappeared, to witness the departure of the happy pair. Sometimes a bride and groom elect to retire. while the reception is still in ivJl tide of its gaiety. In that event, the guests naturally crowd in the hallway to raise a cheery cry of farewell. When a wedding is followed by a breakfast of ceremonious and elaborate proportions, the guests invited to it proceed directly from church to house, lay aside wraps, and the men leave hats and sticks in their coat-room. The women retain hats, gloves, and veils. As a rule, a rapid reception precedes the breakfast. The guests are annotmced as they enter the drawing- room, greet hostess and host, then bride and groom. When the entire breakfast company has assembled, a procession is formed for marshaling the guests grace- ftdly into the dining-room. When the toast to the bride is called, the guests rise, and if the newly-married pair departs immediately, the guests gather and linger "Weddings 153 in the hallway to cheer their departttre. So soon as the bride and groom have gone, the guests disperse, first taking formal leave of their hostess before seeking their wraps and conveyances. "When a ball follows a wedding ceremony, the eti- quette for guests is exactly the same as that pre- scribed for their observance in Chapter Seven, page 247, with the following exceptions : As soon as the hostess has been greeted, the presence of the bride and groom must be sought and hearty feHcitations offered them. When toasts are called in honor of the bride, the supper guests rise and unanimously cheer her name. Toward the end of the evening, if bride and groom are present, they, as well as the hostess, must be given a formal adieu. In all respects, the anniversary reception, dinner, breakfast, or ball is attended with the observance of the same rules of etiquette as have been set down for the guidance of guests at the Guests at festivities following the original ceremony c^iebrati!mD^ uniting a man and woman. It is usual for the person invited to an anniversary celebration to send a suitable gift from ten to three days before the silver-wedding reception or the wedding ball. In such cases, where consanguinity, friendly affection, or a sense of obligation does not exact the bestowal of some object of intrinsic beauty and value, a gift of flowers covers most adequately and gracefully aU the require- ments of the situation. The flowers, addressed to the married pair, should be sent from the florist's with the donor's card. A gift of greater importance is sent as to a bride, but is addressed to the couple and not to the wife only. Guests at an anniversary celebration offer 154 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e congratulations and good wishes to the happy pair as they stand to receive, and toast the wife once more as in the hovir of her bridal glory. Concerning the bride's apparel, it need only be neces- sary here to draw a distinction between the costume of the maiden bride and the widow who Wedding dress . . . i , . j , . . . remarries. A maiden bnde, only, is privi- leged to wear white with orange-blossoms or a wreath of myrtle and a veil. A widow, or divorced woman, who goes to the altar must needs abjure these symbols of the maiden state and dress in a gown of colored fabric and cover her head with a hat or bonnet. The special prerogative of a maiden bride is to plight her troth either arrayed in snowy robes, attended by maidens, or she may go to the altar in a simple travel- ing gown of colored cloth, wearing a plain hat in place of a bridal veil. As the fashion in cut and fabric of wedding gowns changes from season to season, it is useless to set down here any hard-and-fast rules as to the posing of a veU or length of satin, or silk, train. The prevailing mode of the year dictates upon all these points and decides as well whether bridesmaids shall dress in tinted fabric or in white with touches of color and wear short veils, wreaths, or hats. Every bride must decide the points for herself, and the only femi- nine attendant she is not privileged to dress in white and adorn with a veil is her matron of honor. This lady must wear a gown of colored material and a hat. The wife who celebrates her tenth or twenty-fifth anniversary may try to revive the scene and sentiments of her wedding by resuming the gown she wore on the day when her happy union with her mate began. This, however, is not often a successful proceeding. Weddings I55 and it usually is a far wiser course for a wife, on her silver anniversary, to wear a charming and quite new costume of a pale color, with silver ornaments. Women guests at a wedding reception, ball, or break- fast wear the dress ordinarily appropriate for such functions as set down in Chapters Seven and Eight. The woman guest who attends an afternoon church ceremony wears her handsomest calling-gown, with hat, gloves, shoes, parasol, and wrap to harmonize. For a wedding anniversary, the women guests attend in costumes suitable for a reception, ball, breakfast, or dinner, according to the form of celebration which is announced on the cards of invitation. The dress worn by a bridegroom at a church wedding, celebrated after twelve o'clock, usually consists of gray trousers with black frock coat, white waistcoat, white linen, a Hght colored silk scarf, gray gloves, and a top hat. The coat may be either frock shape or with cut- away front, and instead of a waistcoat of the same goods as the coat or of white, one of silvery gray, white, or pongee-brown lends a more cheerful tone to his cos- tume. Sometimes, instead of the black coat, one of very dark blue is worn, and in the lapel of his coat the groom always displays a handsome boutonni^re of white flowers. This same type of costume is worn for a house wedding celebrated in the afternoon. For a quiet morning wedding, and, as a rule, the marriage that takes place before twelve o'clock is simple in the extreme, the groom may appropriately wear the short-coated costume in which he intends to travel. This may consist of gray coat and trousers, with white, gray, or tan waistcoat and white linen, gray gloves, black patent-leather shoes, and a soft gray-felt or straw hat. Very frequently, for an early and simple 156 Cyclopaedia of Social XJsa^e wedding, the groom appears in blue serge, or a brown traveling suit. Patent-leather shoes, a brown or black derby hat, a light-toned waistcoat, white Hnen, and gray or brown gloves accord with such a costume. For a night wedding, a groom wears full evening dress: black trousers, black claw-hammer coat, white waist- coat, white linen, white tie, pearl studs, white bouton- niere, and black patent-leather evening shoes. At an afternoon anniversary celebration, the husband wears at his reception the dress indicated for the groom at an afternoon wedding; for a dinner or for an evening reception he dons dress similar in aU points to that described for a groom at a night wedding. Unless married in his traveling suit, the groom usually retires near the end of a wedding reception, breakfast, or ball, to change into a costume suitable for traveling. This may be similar in every feature to the dress described as appropriate for a morning wedding. The best man wears always a costume similar to that displayed by the groom, and the ushers adopt dress in accordance with that worn by the groom and the best man. In other words, by previous agreement among the gentlemen who take active part in a wedding cere- mony, it is decided whether frock coats or cutaways and hght or dark waistcoats shall be worn. On aU these points the best man and ushers usually defer to the wishes of the groom when he cherishes and advances fixed ideas in the matter of suitable wedding garments. Masculine guests at an afternoon wedding and recep- tion wear gray trousers, dark frock or cutaway coats, light or dark waistcoats, Hght-toned ties and gloves, white linen, patent-leather shoes, and top hats. For evening weddings they adopt evening dress as des- ^^eddings I57 cribed for the groom, ushers, and best man. For morn- ing weddings, short sack or cutaway coats of the same material as the trousers are worn, with colored or white Hnen, fancy waistcoats, Hght ties and gloves, derby hats, and patent-leather shoes. CHAPTER FIVE DINNERS The hostess who piuposes to give a formal dinner to six, eight, twelve, or eighteen guests, issues her invita- tions ten days, a fortnight, or even three VI a ons o -^ip-geks in advance of the date set for her formal diimers . ... entertainment. Where invitations are sent out so far ahead of time, their form must be duly ceremonious and expressed in the third person. The correct and most fashionable invitation is engraved upon large unglazed cards and reads thus: Mr. and Mrs. Henry F. Blanke request the pleasure of company at dinner on the of at o'clock 22 Courtney Street The blank spaces, alternating on such a card with the engraved passages, are left that the hostess may write in the names of the person or persons for whom it is intended, the name of the day, its date, the month and the hour at which it is purposed to celebrate the function. More frequently the whole message is en- graved in this way: 158 Dinners ^59 Mr. and Mrs. Henry F. Blanke request the pleasure of your company at dinner on Tuesday, January the twelfth at eight o'clock. 22 Courtney Street This second formula may be safely used by that hostess who elects to write out by hand her own invitations ; or the written bidding to a feast may be expressed thus: Mr. and Mrs. Henry F. Blanke request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. John F. Brown's company at dinner on Tuesday, January the twelfth at eight o'clock. 22 Courtney Street Such an invitation, written by hand, should occupy but the first page of a double sheet of best note-paper. If the dinner is given in honor of a friend or a wedded couple, whom the host and hostess are thus compli- menting, then the invitations may be cast in another form: Mr. and Mrs. Henry F. Blanke request the pleasure of your company at dinner on at o'clock to meet Mr. and Mrs. F. R. Wood, of Baltimore. A recognized variation on this form is that of using cards as engraved and described in the first or second instance, and enclosing with every one a small secondary i6o Cyclopaedia of Social Usag^e slip of bristol-board, about the size of a gentleman's calling card, on which is engraved : To meet Mr. and Mrs. Frederick Romaine Wood, of Baltimore. Yet a third acceptable and frequently used method of indicating the presence of guests of honor is that of writing out the invitation as explained in the third formula, and merely adding at the bottom of the page on which the bidding is inscribed, the phrase : To meet Mr. and Mrs. Wood, of Baltimore. All these invitations, whether engraved on cards or handwritten on note-sheets, require the most elegantly simple forms of stationery. The cards must be abso- lutely plain, and the engraving quite unmixed, i. e., part of it must not be in script and part in Roman lettering, but all of one species of type. On engraved cards no crests, monograms, or gilt edges are allowed. The hostess who writes her invita- tion employs her best note-paper, bearing whatever type of decoration in the way of stamping she ordinar- ily uses. When cards or note-sheets are adopted, they are placed each in a single envelope addressed, stamped, and sent by post, unless, to guarantee very prompt and certain deUvery, it is forwarded by hand of special messenger. Let it be understood that a matron, when issuing her invitations, invariably does so in the name of herself and her husband, if she and her life-partner entertain together. A widow who keeps house with an unmarried son or daughter does not allow either of the young people's names to figure in her invitations. Formerly, for the benefit of negHgent or untrained Dinners i6i members of society, hostesses added at the bottom of their invitations the initials R. S. V. P. This was to signify that an immediate answer was desired. But we have advanced beyond the stage where it is necessary to request a reply to a dinner invitation, since so sacred a proffer of hospitality needs, and usually receives, an immediate response. In addressing an invitation, a hostess must remember that only in exceptional cir- cumstances is she allowed to invite a husband without including his wife, or a wife without her husband. Therefore, a dinner invitation is usually addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Blanke. It is not permissible, when the presence of more than one member of a family is desired, to utilize one invitation for three or more persons. If Mr. and Mrs. Blanke and their son and daughter are to be invited, then one invitation is for- warded to the married couple, one to Miss Mary Elanke, and one to Mr. John R. Blanke. Though a great many hostesses issue their dinner invitations in the forms quoted in the preceding para- graphs, others employ, as the means for requesting the company of their friends, inirftatioii brief written notes. These do not neces- sarily imply that the dinner will be either small or informal, for notes of bidding are often used for stately banquets. The proper note offers the invitation itself and nothing more, thereby giving the recipient to understand that the meal is not a family affair. Such documents are prepared, as a rule, on the hostess's ordinary note-paper and in such simple sentences as are outlined below : My dear Mrs. Wood: We shall be so pleased if you and Mr. Wood will give us i62 C>'clopaeclia of Social Usa^e the pleasure of your company at dinner on Wednesday the J St at half -past seven. Yours sincerely, ' Mary R. Blanke. Dear Miss Wood: It will give us so much pleasure to have you dine with us on Monday the 12th at seven o'clock to meet some friends from the West. Afterward we hope to go on to the Metropolitan and hear the new tenor in Tannhduser. In the hope that you may be able to join us, I am, Yours cordially, Mary R. Blanke. Dear Mr. Wilkins : If you are free on Tuesday next the 23d, pray come to dine at seven o'clock. There will be eight of us and music afterward, which last I hope may prove a special induce- ment as Miss B has promised to sing. With kind re- gards, beHeve me. Yours most sincerely, Mary R. Blanke. When invitations have been issued for a dinner which must needs be postponed or canceled entirely, it is the hostess's duty to issue immediately To put off or notices to that effect. This information .. may be conveyed promptly and effica- ciously by means of little notes of explana- tion despatched to all those who have been invited, or by messages written in the third person on note- sheets and taking somewhat the following form: Mr. and Mrs. John E. Blanke exceedingly regret that owing to the illness of Mrs. Blanke their dinner, arranged for the 14th inst., must be postponed indefinitely. By note the explanation could be made in this form: Dinners 163 My dear Mrs. King: It is with the greatest regret that I write to explain that my dinner arranged for the 5th must be postponed until the 15th. This change of dates is due to the necessity of my making an appearance with my husband in the covirts in Chicago next week to effect the settlement of some pay- ments due on mortgages which we hold. I beg, however, that you will, if possible, give us the pleasure of your company on the 15th at 7.45 o'clock. Believe me. Very sincerely yours, Mary R. Blanke. Short-notice dinners are frequently celebrated among friends and without formalities. They require invita- tion notes, expressed in the very simplest „ ,1 , 1 ; , 1 Unceremonious form, and such notes need not be des- invitations patched more than two or three days in advance of the proposed hospitality. In spite of the convenience, no rule of etiquette can yet countenance the use of the telephone as a means of issuing dinner invitations unless absolutely informal hospitality is offered but a few hours in advance of the meal. A verbal invitation sent through a third person or over the telephone rarely carries any weight with it, and too often the telephoned, or verbal, invitation is forgotten or misunderstood, thereby leading to disappointment and misunderstanding. The hostess, then, who desires to claim a friend's company to dinner, shotdd always write a note in due form. Such a note may be sent as late as twelve hours before an informal entertain- ment ; but if a newly-made acquaintance is thus bidden to partake even of family pot-luck, he accepts this method as more complimentary and certainly far safer than the offer of hospitality forwarded by word of mouth. 1 64 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e A note to an old friend, or a new one, requesting his presence at dinner on the spur of the moment must never assume the character of a note inviting a "stop- gap, " and it is essential always that the person issuing the invitation shall understand, from its terms, that the dinner is sans ceremonie. For example, in writing such an invitation, an explanation of the character of the entertainment may be forthcoming in somewhat this fashion : My dear Miss King : Do you think you could come in and dine with us quite informally on Thursday evening next, at seven- thirty ? My cousins from the South are to be with us and I shaU be so pleased to have them meet you. Believe me. Yours very cordially, Mary R. Blanke. This type of invitation is sometimes issued from two to twenty-four hours before a dinner party, when acci- dent or illness has intervened to deprive invitations ^ hostess of some member of her carefully arranged company. As it is obligatory for an entertainer, in these circumstances, to try to fill the chair left vacant, she is obliged, when she has no member of her family to whom she can appeal for aid in making up the requisite number of guests, to call upon some good-natured friend to assist her in her hotir of need. An impromptu invitation must never be issued with anything like the ceremony that surrounds what we may call a premeditated one. The person invited at the eleventh hour must always be requested to come as a favor and be given very clearly to under- stand the hostess's predicament and her gratitude for assistance rendered in the awkward situation. A host- Dinners 165 ess should never ask anyone in to serve, in the capacity of what is commonly known as a "stop-gap," save a friend in whose good nature and willingness to assist she is fully confident. Sometimes such requests for services are sent hastily over the telephone, or a tele- gram is despatched, asking some intimate masculine or feminine friend to fill the breach at the carefully arranged table. However, it is always best to make an appeal in the form of an explanatory note, of which the following may serve as a model: Dear Mr. Edwards : Could you render first aid to my very badly damaged dinner party arranged for to-morrow night? Illness has robbed me of one of my masculine guests and I write to beg you to overlook the informality, do me the great service, and give me the pleasure of taking the vacant place at my table. I am dining at seven-thirty and afterwards we go on to the theatre. If you are free, pray come, and my hus- band and I will regard ourselves as deeply indebted to you for compliance with this very hasty and imconventional summons. Always yours most sincerely, Mary R. Blanke. No social obligation is more binding than that of returning a very prompt and very courteous answer to a dinner invitation, whether for a formal and most elaborate feast or for a family ^^eplyi^ to a party. A reply as unconditional as invitation prompt is requisite: that is to say, the answer must be a positive acceptance or regret, and not a provisional or tentative response. To write that one will attend if well, or in town, or released from another engagement is not permissible. A dinner invitation i66 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e should be acknowledged the day it is received, and the response to it given in as close an imitation as possible of the terms in which the offer of hospitality has been made. If, for example, on an engraved card, Mr. and Mrs. Blanke request the pleasure of your company at dinner, then the answer must be worded in the third person. The recipient, on a sheet of good note-paper, responds in the following terms : Mr. and Mrs. J. Brown-Ronalds accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Henry F. Blanke's invitation to dine on the evening of November 12th at 7.45 o'clock. or Mr. and Mrs. J. Brown-Ronalds regret very much that a previous engagement prevents their acceptance of Mr. and Mrs. Henry F. Blanke's kind invitation to dinner on the evening of November 12th at 7.45 o'clock. The note-sheet should be folded once into an envel- ope addressed to Mrs. Blanke, and not to the married couple from whom the card had in the first instance emanated. When a note of invitation is received, a note is des- patched in response and addressed to the lady who signed the invitation. The briefer the reply, provided its terms are courteous and explicit, the better, thus: Dear Mrs. Edwards : It gives Mr. Blanke and me great pleasure to accept your invitation to dinner on Tuesday the 25th at eight o'clock. Yours very sincerely, Mary R. Blanke. or My dear Mrs. Rogers : Mr. Blanke and I regret so much that we shall not be Dinners 167 able to accept your invitation for the loth. For that evening we have arranged to attend a very important meet- ing of the Civic Club to which Mr. Blanke belongs, and at which his appearance is obligatory. My husband joins me in very kind regards and sincere lamentations that it is not possible always to combine one's pleasure with one's duty. Yours most sincerely, Mary R. Blanke. When circumstances arise to necessitate the breaking of a dinner engagement, the promptest notice must be forwarded to one's hostess, with full ex- planations and sincere regrets. The ex- 'dinn* planations must be made by note and, if engagement the time is short, this note must be sent by special messenger to enable the hostess to fill, as soon as possible, the empty chair left at her table. It is hardly necessary to say that only serious illness or the most tirgent business is ever allowed to ntdlify at the eleventh hour an invitation to dinner which one has formally accepted. To urge a frivolous excuse, or mere change of one's mind, as a reason for not putting in an appearance at a lady's dinner table, on the evening and hour appointed, is the most serious social offense that a man or woman can possibly commit. A dinner engage- ment is a sacred thing, and yet no hostess can object if the reasons assigned for foregoing her hospitaHty are sufficient and nicely stated. Though the invitation may have been received in the form of a most formal, engraved card, the excuse for canceling it must be explained by hand on a note-sheet and in somewhat the following terms: Dear Mrs. Blanke: It is with the greatest distress and regret that I write to i68 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage explain my inability to keep my engagement with you for the twenty-fifth. A grave accident has occurred in my father's factory. I have just been summoned by telegram to render assistance to the very damaged works and, I am sorry to say, to two seriously injured workmen. Nothing else, I can assure you, than a matter of such serious urgency would have prevented my appearance on the twenty-fifth to which I have been greatly looking forward. Believe me, in sincerest disappointment at the pleasure forsworn. Yours very truly, Edward L. Jones. An invitation to a dinner received over the telephone directly from the hostess or a member of her family- may justifiably be answered by the same Answering an method and immediately, but an invita- invitation ^^^^ received in a hurried and friendly note, in a telegram, or verbally in the hostess's name through a member of her household, should be answered as soon as possible by a note addressed to the lady of the house to which one has been asked. It is true that a verbal invitation does not always merit so careful an acknowledgment, but a courteous person, and a scrupulous one, will always verify and acknowledge so casually offered a request for his company, unless the hostess gives the invitation in person. When, at the last moment, a man or woman is asked to serve as a stop-gap at a more or less formal dinner party, the reply must be sent by return of post or by the hand of the messenger who brought the note asking the favor. Amiable people, who are at liberty, invari- ably do their best to render assistance in a hostess's hour of need, but a request of this kind need not be accepted, Dinners 169 even by the most amiable, when the lady who asks the favor has never before made an offer of her hospitality, and when she is an acquaintance of an extremely slight or formal standing. A kindly answer to a request to oblige by appearing at a diimer party might be safely expressed in this way: Dear Mrs. Allen: It gives me the greatest pleasure to be able to dine with you on the tenth at eight o'clock and also to feel that I am being of service in an hour of need. Pray accept my thanks for thinking of me at a moment when you really require a helping hand. Believe me, Very cordially yours, E. R. Donald. A refusal to a request of this unconventional nature must also be made by note and in polite, if formal and brief, terms. A vaUd excuse must be assigned for non- acceptance. The individual refusing to serve as a stop-gap does not owe the wotdd-be hostess a dinner caU after her entertainment is over. It is a well-known fact that a prime essential to the giving of a charming dinner is the congeniality of the company gathered about a hospitable and well-spread board. Having selected a Selecting a group of friends whose temperaments ^^^^ *' and conversation are most likely to blend harmoniously, the hostess's next duty is to invite them so well in advance of the date set for the feast that she may insure their appearance. There is a kind of pretty compliment implied in engaging a company well ahead of the dinner day, and in fashionable society, where competition among hostesses is very great and 170 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e entertainments are many, this is an essential precau- tion. Nowadays, at the beginning of the winter season of gaieties, or at the opening of a summer's campaign at the most modish country resorts, many hostesses arrange months ahead for their dinner dates and bespeak the company for these feasts six or eight weeks in advance of the days set. In less formal, gay, and pretentious society, this precaution is not requisite, though it is in all circumstances considered more com- pUmentary to give a friend a long bidding to dine than it is to offer the hospitality in a semi-impromptu fash- ion. The next great obligation resting on a hostess is that of asking only as many to dine as her servants, her dining-room, and her table equipage can easily render quite comfortable. A crowded table captained by one overworked maid, a tiny room where chair-backs nearly touch the wall, are inconveniences that wtU spoil any save a Bohemian meal or plain family feast. In these pages, however, we are not giving receipts for the conduct of unconventional entertainments. Therefore, it may be laid down as law that no dinner table shall ever be crowded. Where a dining-room is small and the servant is a maid-of-all-work, the hostess thereof may still dine her friends charmingly, but she must never ask more than the table will accommodate with plenty of elbow-room, or more than her maid can serve quietly, expeditiously, and comfortably. Just what number goes to form the ideal dinner party is yet to be decided. Ceremonious private dinners are to-day com- posed of four or forty persons according to the means and wishes of the hostess. For the ceremonious dinner the company, however, is made up of an equal number of men and women and, only in an emergency, does a hostess fill too many of her chairs with members of her- Dinners 171 immediate family. If a guest sends in excuses at the eleventh hour, it is permissible to promote a hitherto excluded member of the household to a place at the board, rather than leave a chair empty or seat an unlucky number. As formal diimers occasionally precede an evening's entertainment at the theatre, the opera, or a concert haU, ceremonious feasts are sometimes „. .. . , , . ■, . The dinner hour set for as early an hour as six-thirty p.m. A dinner party, pure and simple, is ordinarily re- garded as the chief amusement of an evening and, therefore, the orthodox fashionable hours for dining are fixed at any time between seven-fifteen and eight o'clock. Occasionally, tdtra-modish members of the gay world of fashion advance the dinner hour to eight-thirty, but this cannot be regarded as a generally accepted or rational delay of the most important meal of the day. Many wise hostesses give the dinner hour in their invitations as seven-fifteen in order to insure the assemblage of all guests by half -past seven, when both the cook and dining-room servants understand that the dishes and table must be in readiness for service. A dinner of many courses should be dis- cussed, from preliminary relishes to the final savory, in not less than an hour and not more than an hoiu- and a half. A dinner of six to eight or ten courses may be despatched in sixty minutes, provided the machinery of service moves without a hitch and at a somewhat rapid pace. Perhaps the perfect dinner, at which the courses rotate smoothly, but not too swiftly, occupies about one hoxir and ten to an hour and fifteen minutes. A small party of four to six persons may be adequately 172 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e attended by one capable maid. A well-trained woman- or man-servant can easily supply the ^'^^ ° wants of eight persons, but no hostess -should ever attempt to pass her dishes in review before more than eight persons with the unaided assistance of one even highly expert waitress. Not alone for her guests' sake should the head of the table careftdly consider this point and introduce two servants to her dining-room when her large table is well filled. In this she must have a thought for her own peace of mind, and remember that no entertainment may be carried out properly unless the mistress of the occasion feels assured that hands enough have been provided to minister to the wants of the guests. At all times of special entertainment, two servants in the dining-room are a great comfort and convenience, if they both know their business. One of the two shotdd be the expert who pours the wine and hands the impor- tant dishes. The other one should lay the clean silver and plates and remove those that have been used at the end of each course. Servants in a dining-room must be guaranteed to be quiet, careful, and steady-handed. One clumsily turned plate, one overturned wineglass or roughly removed dish, may ruin the pleasure of what wovild otherwise have been a quite perfect meal. Therefore, when the mistress of a mansion has no servant in her employ who is able to hand and remove dishes capably, she had better have in one accomplished hired helper for the occasion and abbreviate her menu than offer a list of wonderful dishes and run the risk of allowing an awkward maid to splash soup over a guest's immactdate garments. Two skilled women-servants can serve a dinner of ten or twelve or fourteen covers as capably as need be. A butler and one maid can also Dinners ^73 manage a large party well. But for grand dinners, a butler is usually assisted by a man in livery, and their service is supplemented by a maid who lends a hand in clearing away after courses, laying fresh silver and china, and in preparing at the sideboard portions of soup, ices, and such viands as are not offered the guests from large dishes. Maids at a dirmer party wear black gowns, elaborate white aprons, crispest of caps, and snowy stiff Hnen cttff s and collars. A private butler or man from a caterer's wears white linen and black swallow-tail evening dress, but he must not don white cotton gloves. A footman, if he belongs to the es- tablishment of host and hostess, wears his house livery: that is to say, white Hnen, striped waistcoat, and colored swallow-tailed coat with trousers to match. In houses where great wealth is enjoyed and exceed- ing state is observed in the service, the butler dresses in the orthodox black-and-white costume appropriate for such a functionary,while under his control two, four, six, or even eight footmen may attend the needs of the twenty, thirty, or forty guests seated at one enormous table or many small tables. These satellites of the head official may wear morning house livery, or they may, as is the fashion of great English houses, appear in plush breeches, silk stockings, buckled pumps, powdered wigs, and cloth, velvet, or satin coats resplendent with gold lace. But, however great the number and gorgeous the attire of these supernumeraries, they serve only imder the butler, who at intervals of inaction stands, if he be- longs to the house, behind his master's chair. If he is hired for the occasion, he stands a pace before the side- board and rarely or never takes his eye from the table. When two men are engaged from the caterer's they usually dress aUke and after the fashion of the house 174 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage butler. Between them they arrange the duties of serv- ing, or one takes direction from the other, while a maid keeps the pantry in order and delivers dishes from the dumb-waiter. Dishes should, by the individual in waiting, be pre- sented balanced on the outstretched right hand. On this hand an immaculate linen table-napkin is first folded large and laid on the palm, to prevent the heat or chill of the dish's contents from interfering with the steadiness of the control. Every hostess has need to consider the service requi- site for her guests outside the dining-room. Where a butler is employed or one is engaged for a dinner entertainment, he should admit the guests, indicating, as he does so, where the wraps are to be removed. For a dinner of ordinary proportions and not unusual ceremony, the masculine guests may be expected to leave coats and hats in the hall ; a dressing-room should be arranged for the women, with a maid in attendance. At a ceremonious dinner, the guests are announced as they enter the drawing-room door by the servant who has admitted them. The maid or butler who answers the bell is, of course, aware of the ntunber of guests expected, and as soon as all have arrived, re- moved their wraps, and entered the drawing-room, the meal is announced. To do this the butler or maid appears at that door of the drawing-room which gives most directly on the dining-room and says, in a tone of voice sure to reach the hostess's ear: "Dinner is served," — or "Madam, dinner is served." After dinner, when coffee and liqueurs are offered, the butler remains in the dining-room to attend to the wants of the gentlemen. The footman, or two of Dinners 175 them, bring trays into the drawing-room and pass the cups of coffee and the liqueurs to the ladies. When a single maid, or a butler alone, serves the guests, the wants of the men are first satisfied; then the servant brings in a tray to the mistress. On this the pot of coffee, with complete equipage for service, is arranged, and the hostess or her daughter pours out the hot liquid for those who wish it. On a second tray, two or three liqueur decanters and tiny glasses are arranged. This is so placed in the drawing-room that the hostess may serve the Hqueurs, or the guests may help them- selves. As the hour when guests rise to depart draws near, a servant should be on duty in the hall to open the front door, give aid with wraps, call vehicles in waiting, and assist the ladies to enter their conveyances when footmen are not on duty. In houses where many ser- vants are employed, a maid remains, from the conclu- sion of dinner tiU the departure of the last guest, in the dressing-room arranged for the women diners. A foot- man serves the men in their cloak-room, a butler stands by the front door, and a man in chauffeur's or carriage- groom's livery waits at the foot of the outer steps to sum- mon vehicles as needed and give any other assistance required by departing guests. A formal dinner party, whether of four or fourteen covers, requires the best table fumittue the hostess owns. The perfect dinner-table is neither plain nor pretentious. Simple elegance diimer-tSe and an exquisite order and freshness of appearance shotdd characterize its general effect and minutest detail. Nowhere else may a hostess so dis- play her good taste and refinement as in the preparation of her hospitable board which, in the charm and dainti- 176 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e ness of its aspect, conveys a compliment to her guests and a guarantee of her social cultivation. There is no rule yet formulated to dictate positively the shape of the dinner-board. Some housekeepers own tables so built that, by the addition or subtraction of leaves, they may not only be contracted and enlarged at need, but altered from square to circular or oblong dimen- sions. This is often conducive to a more comfortable and graceful arrangement for parties of various sizes, but a very attractive table is either round or nearly square. The only difficult board to prepare well is that which is narrow and very long. For exceedingly large dinners, it is often more agreeable, as well as more fashionable, to break the company into three or six groups and seat it at three or six round tables. In these circumstances, every table is set with a complete equi- page and Hghted by its own lamps or candles. Only for special occasions, such as birthday dinners, or sporting dinners given in honor of a hunting, motoring, flying, or sailing hero or heroine, are whimsical or appo- site decorations of an unusual type allowed to appear on the board. Colored napery , extraneous decoration, and fanciful placing of necessary utensils are eccentricities that seem to have passed out forever. The most careftil hostess spreads her board first with a protecting layer of felt ; upon this a choice specimen of pure-white damask linen is stretched. A table- cloth appears to the greatest advantage when it has been latmdered with the least starch compatible with the proper treatment of linen, and ironed so that one crease is slightly defined down the centre of the table. The other folds should all but disappear when the linen is spread in place. The cloth should hang at least eighteen inches below the edge of the board. Some Dinners I77 hostesses use cloths that fall one-half or two-thirds of the distance to the floor, thus forming an elegant snowy drapery. The Hnen once spread, a rule then obtains that everything upon it must be arranged with mathe- matical precision. Covers must be separated by equal distances of damask, and the damask itself may or may not show the owner's monogram and crest embroidered in white in one corner, or half-way down the centre of one side. Not infrequently, a superb table-cloth of Russian or ItaHan Hnen is displayed, the edges finished with a deep border of handsome lace, while a splendid separate square or scarf to match is laid on or down the centre of the table. What type of lace or linen centre- piece should occupy the middle of the table every hostess decides for herself, but here it is only necessary to remark that colored, gold-worked, siUc or satin ovals and oblongs are not in the best taste. Very frequently no centrepiece is laid on the cloth itself, but if one is used, it is preferably of pure white or cream linen, needleworked in white; or it is a fine specimen of old napery lace added as a kind of foundation for the floral decoration. These are almost as unfailing an adjunct of the proper dinner-table as the knives and forks. Sometimes they are arranged in a splendid silver-and- crystal §pergne with fruit. Very rarely ecorative fruit alone, artistically disposed, takes their place entirely, but as a rule the floral decoration occupies the centre of the board. The taste and the purse and preference of the hostess, as well as the capac- ity of the garden or florist shops, must always decide what the flowery ornamentation shall be. One species of blossom with greenery is the usual choice, and richly 178 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage scented blooms such as hyacinths, lilacs, many types of lilies, etc., it is wise to avoid. Pink-and-white, yellow-and-white, or rich scarlet, coral, and crimson blossoms, when blended with green, give invariably the best effects under artificial Ught. Only the palest mauve of costly orchids and the azure of hydrangea appear to advantage in candle, gas, or electric light. Therefore, blues and purples are seldom utUized on tables, while pink, with foliage, predominates, and the flowers themselves should never overload the board. In glass, silver, china, or moss-filled wicker receptacles they show to the best advantage, and every hostess consults her own preference in building her decoration high or so regulating it that she is able to see all around her table. Shaded candles of clear paraffin or pure fragrant wax still hold their own as the most perfect means of illumi- nation. Sometimes, decorative tall-stemmed lamps are used, and again electricity is artfuUy introduced to lend a charming glow. If, from the ceiling, a powerfvil drop-light faUs, it may be shaded with tinted siLk to shed the most pleasing radiance and thus obviate the use of any lights placed upon the table itself. But when none of these conveniences is at command, candles are stiU the refuge of the hostess who enjoys showing her handsome Sheffield sticks or candelabra. To such a state of perfection have the fittings of candles been brought that a conflagration of inflammable silk or paper is easUy avoided. For summer dinners and in hot weather, a wise precaution is that of keeping the candles in the icebox until just before they are needed. New candles, all of equal length, should be used for a dinner. These may be lighted about five minutes before the company is seated and snuffed once to guar- Dinners I79 antee an even flame. The rest of the lights in the din- ing-room are wisely adjusted so as not to drown out the effect of those on the table. Enough illumination must be provided to satisfy the masculine guests, who prefer a clear glow, while pains must be taken to avoid the glare to which the feminine guests object. Next, after flowers and Hghts, a hostess may well remember that it is no longer the fashion to Utter her table with objects merely for show. In addition to the covers, she may place, at intervals, on the cloth silver, crystal, or silver-gilt dishes holding bonbons, crystal- Hzed fruits, comfits, etc. For a small party, ceremonious but necessarily restricted in richness of equipment, she may place a vase or bowl of flowers in the centre, group about this four candles, and add dishes of sweetmeats, salted almonds, olives, etc. Where few servants are at command, all the reUshes and dainty etceteras of the feast may appear on the table and the guests help them- selves. When the service of several pairs of hands is enjoyed, only the sweetmeats and essential decorations are allowed. If it is desired to make an impressive dis- play of gorgeous plate, then the noble flagons, platters, etc., may be set out on a sideboard or on a plate-boy to dazzle and delight the eyes of the guests. Decanters of port or sherry and a claret-jug may be placed on a table to be handed about by the servants, and after every round of the guests' glasses restored to their first location. A dinner of ten covers means one at which ten per- sons dine, and the laying of a cover is a matter of placing neatly and in small compass 1 i -1 i. ■ j: Laying a cover nearly every utensu a guest requires for the despatch of a meal. For a formal dinner, a cover, l8o Cyclopaedia o£ Social Usa^e at first preparation, requires a plate in which a napkin is laid. Into the folds of this linen serviette, which shotdd not be tortured by a caterer's man into restau- rant devices, a small, crisp, but not hard, and quite unsweetened, dinner-roll is slipped. To the left of the plate, two or three forks, their prong points turned up, lie close together, while to the right two or three knives, the soup-spoon, the fork for sheU-fish, and possibly a special spoon for dealing with a fruit appetizer, are arranged. A Httle to the right of the plate, and almost touching the ends of the knives, as many glasses are grouped as there are to be wines poured. In addition to these, a goblet for water and a smallish ttmibler for aerated water are added. The rule for a dinner of many courses is to lay at each cover the knives and forks requisite for at least the first three courses. After the first three solid courses have been eaten, a servant supplies fresh knives and forks with each one that follows. Formerly, quite an impressive regiment of glasses, large and small, was marshaled at every cover, for many and carefully graduated were the wines offered and poured. To-day we serve rather splendid dinners with one white and one red wine only, and for a small dinner, to offer claret or sherry only, or hock with port or Tokay at the end of the meal, is sufficient Hba- tion to Bacchus. Nevertheless, where a feast of impor- tance and great ceremony is held, the conventions demand that for each guest shall be placed a glass for champagne, one for claret, one for Rhine wine, one for sherry, and one for port. Only at family and informal dinners are tall tumblers placed for a possible brandy- and-soda or whiskey with water. At stately dinner parties, these drinks are not served. A point frequently mooted by hostesses is that of Dinners i8t adding to the paraphemaKa already enumerated a bread-and-butter plate with small knife, a salt-cellar, an individual pepper-pot, and a tiny tray for holding salted nuts, etc. There is an argument against these things in the fact that butter is not conventional at dinner and that the food is supposed to be properly seasoned in the kitchen and, therefore, the condiments are not necessary. As to the little tray for nuts, etc., it is really more needed than a plate for the roU, for nuts are greasy things, and tidy folk are not fond of strewing their food on the table. Finally, for every cover a name-card is reqtusite when the dinner company includes more than six persons. On small slips of bristol-board the hostess writes the names of her guests and places these in the order in which they are to sit. Or she may ptirchase prettily decorated cards and use them. For a large dinner of many coiirses, the menu card is nothing less than a neces- sity. By a glance at the bill of fare every guest knows what to expect in the way of food, and on which courses to touch lightly in order that to all may be given that attention the hostess and host expect. Menu cards are usually large and prettily decorated in devices of fruits, flowers, or game, or they are merely ornamented with the emblazoned initial of the entertainer's surname. A choice bill of fare, suited to the season and blended to meet at several points the tastes of all her guests, invariably redounds to a hostess's great credit. A badly chosen and poorly cooked Selection of vifliids dinner casts a blight on the most deter- minedly cheerful and friendly company. Consequently, it behooves the mistress of a household to consider the capacities of her cook when she is mapping out her list i82 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e of cotirses. Only where the services of an expert in the culinary art are enjoyed, is it safe to introduce on a dinner menu a dish that has never been tested before. If the cook's capacities are only equal to the simpler dishes, and it is considered desirable to make a show of some elaboration, then the fancy foods must be obtained from the caterers. Elaborate salads, vols-au- vent, timbales, galantines, or individual portions in aspic; delicacies in the form of chartreuses; salads of marvelous complicated French garniture, and ices of rare flavors and molds are among the rich and delicate foods that can be ordered and prepared in advance by chefs at restaurants and hotels, and delivered in time to appear in exquisite condition at a private table. Thus, the employer of what is known as a plain cook can still offer the finest of French foods to her luxury-loving guests, provided there is a good caterer near at hand. The country hostess, however, and she who Hves in a smaUish town, where no depot for scientific cookery is established, must satisfy herself by giving the best of the simple foods that her market and her cook can pro- vide, and the very best of home cookery is never despised by the most fastidious palate. A delicious vegetable or clear meat-soup; a perfectly baked fish with new potatoes; a cut of tender beef, mutton, or lamb, roasted to a turn and served with creamed spinach, green peas, or young beans; broiled chicken with salad; ices, and a cheese savory, followed by coffee, is a meal to set before a king. It is also a meal of sufficient length to set before four or six guests, provid- ing it is premised by shellfish on ice, or grapefruit au rhum, and given a piquant touch with hors-d'ceuvres such as olives, celery, salted nuts, etc. Very long menus are not in good taste when a small Dinners 183 company is assembled at dinner, For four, six, or eight persons, eight courses, inclusive, provide ample food for discussion. As the table and tale of guests grows longer, so must the menu, and a full-fledged grand dinner averages from twelve to sixteen courses aU told : that is to say, from the prelinunary appetizer to the coffee and liqueurs. Taking the routine of courses seriatim, they run somewhat in this order: 1st course. Canapfe of caviare; or anchovy toast; or muskmelons; or grapefruit treated with maraschino, fruits, and sugar; or clams or oysters on the half-shell. 2d course. Soup. 3d course. After the soup, hors-d'oeuvres are passed, these consisting of radishes, celery, olives, etc. 4th course. Fish, accompanied with sauce when so pre- pared as to require it; potatoes in some fanci- ful shape, and cucumbers or a Spanish salad dressed with oU and vinegar. 5th course. Mushrooms, or timbales, or oyster crabs. 6th course. Artichokes, or asparagus, or spinach in pastry. 7th cotu-se. A joint with peas or beans and potatoes. 8th course. A frozen pimch. 9th course. Wild duck or small chickens with salad. loth course. A rich sweet in the form of a pudding or cream. Iith course. A frozen sweet, and tiny crisp cakes. i84 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e 1 2th course. A hot savory of cheese, or a choice of dry cheeses with biscuits and butter are served. 13th coiirse. Fresh fruit, bonbons, ginger, and sttiffed dried fruits. 14th course. Coffee, liqueurs, and sparkling waters. With such a dinner, following the orthodox ruling, the wines would be served in this order : With the first course, a white wine: that is to say, a Rhine wine such as Niersteiner or hock, else a French wine, Sauteme or ChabHs. With the soup, sherry is offered. When the fish appears, the champagne arrives, and unlike most of the other bever- ages, its glasses are replenished throughout the meal. Champagne must, for the American epicure, be served as cold as possible ; indeed, just short of freezing, if it is a sweet quality. Dry or brut champagne needs less chill for the fastidious palate. The white wines must be poured at a temperature approximating forty degrees. When terrapin is offered at a dinner, the sherry glasses are again filled, if they need it, or a rare Madeira is poured. When the game appears, claret or Burgundy is introduced at the temperature of the room in which it is served. With the cheese and fruit, port may go round the table. Sometimes claret is poured simultaneously with the champagne and its glasses are replenished, but if a variety of wines is to be passed, this is not necessary. For a modest dinner, one wine or two is an ample allowance, and champagne is the liquid which seems always to signify a feast of special importance or of elegance and ceremony. Quiet folk, when entertaining friends at a formal meal, offer sherry and one red wine. Dinners 185 Afterward, in the drawing-room, chartreuse, crfeme- de-menthe, cherry brandy, or other Hqueur, may be brought in on the Hqueur tray, though a choice of two liqueurs is quite enough for a modest meal. Hosts who are connoisseurs in wines make it a rule to serve nothing but port perhaps, from decanters. Cobwebbed Madeira bottles, high-priced Moselle, or white Bordeaux, show- ing their labels, and dusty Burgundies resting in their straw cradles, give an effect that is appreciated by the knowing guest, especially when the butler announces the wines by their full and impressive titles and offers each diner a choice of dry or sweet champagne and vintages of famous dates. The servant must never aimounce dinner till every detail conducive to the smooth passage of the courses is complete. The cook gives her warning of readiness; the maid who helps in the ^ * courses pantry is prepared; the temperature of the dining-room is between sixty-six and sixty-eight de- grees, and the sideboard or sei-ving-table fully equipped with extra plates, knives, and forks before the guests are bidden to enter. When the opening course con- sists of sheMsh, grapefruit, or melon, the guests find these in readiness at every cover when they arrive. But if caviare or anchovy reHshes inaugurate a meal, as soon as the guests are seated the servants begin passing dishes laden with portions. As these reHshes are served on toast, and as toast is only acceptable when offered almost fresh from the fire, the plates the diners find laid for them must needs be warm. If two ser- vants are employed, the portions are offered simultane- ously from opposite ends and opposite sides of the table. The service usuaUy begins with the lady on the host's right hand and with the hostess for the first course. i86 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage The second time round, the dishes are offered first to the lady on the host's left and to the hostess ; thus through- out the meal the serving alternates. Servants present their dishes always on the guest's left hand, while wine is invariably offered at the right. When sheUfish form the first course, the servants begin passing, as soon as the diners are seated, trays on which cayenne pepper, tabasco sauce, horse radish, and small, thin sandwiches of brown bread and butter are proffered. Not until the last and slowest of the guests has laid down his or her fork is a plate of any course removed from the table. While one domestic begins to carry off the plates of the first course, a covered tureen of soup, quite steaming hot, should be placed on the dining-room sideboard or side-table, and as the last plate of the first course disappears, the first of the new course is introduced. Occasionally, at private dinners, two sorts of soup are offered, a clear and a thick broth. When this is the case, the servant, a plate of each in hand, advances to the left side of the guest and utters merely the names of the soups and places before the diner the one selected. Soup-plates must be brought from the kitchen, or pantry plate- warmer, at a temperature that wiU hold the heat of the broth. Into each plate a single ladleftd of the savory Hquid must be measured. If croHtons of crisp bread are prepared, it is best for one servant to place the plates of soup, while another, on her heels, immediately presents the dish of toasted cubes. For a formal dinner, served in what is known as the Russian fashion, no food is carved at or helped from the table by host or hostess. Hors-d'oeuvres go around after soup, and for them cold plates are distributed. All these savories are arranged in their separate small dishes on one large platter with Dinners 187 the condiments, and thus presented to each guest. When this interlude is over, hot plates for the fish follow, and the fish, on one or two long, narrow, silver dishes, is offered to the guests. When the fish is boiled or fried, a fresh napkin is laid first on the dish to absorb any waste water or grease. A baked fish is laid on the hot silver dish and sUghtly garnished with sauce. A fish served in the whole is always carved to a certain extent by the butler or maid before it is presented, so that the guest wielding the silver fish-knife and fork may easily separate a helping from the rest. Behind the servant who presents the fish should follow another offering from a tray a dish of potatoes and the fish salad or sauce. As soon as the first allowance of knives and forks laid at each cover has been carried out, one ser- vant removes the plates and is followed by another who puts before each guest a clean, hot plate, a knife to the right of it and a fork to the left. This, naturally, is done before the new course arrives. At a formal dinner, the joint is carved at the sideboard ; the sHces of meat, cut all of a uniform size, are laid, one half-way over- lapping the other, on long silver dishes; a little of the meat juice is poured over these sUces, a sprig or two of green garnishing is added, and then one servant passes down the table offering this viand, while another fol- lows with a dish of green vegetable, and one of potatoes on a platter. If a course is served by several servants, the head domestic precedes the courses pouring an appropriate wine. If a butler and one maid do the serving, the butler carries the fish and meat dishes, the maid offers the garniture, and while she is completing her round, the butler begins at once to offer the wine. When the frozen punch appears, this is not presented in bulk, but a portion for each guest fills short-stemmed l88 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e tumblers, or halves of orange-skins. These receptacles are placed on small, cold plates and set before the diners, in turn, with a small spoon. For the game-and-salad course, which succeeds the frozen one, two plates com- prise the cover. One is hot and round and of fair size. To the left of it a second, crescent-shaped and cold, is laid. The hot one takes the game, the cold one the salad. The game or tiny chickens are offered on large silver trays. If the game is duck, it is most carefully carved before being presented, but the wee chickens or birds are offered whole and one for each guest. After a guest has helped himself to the hot part of this course, a large bowl of salad is immediately offered. The hot, sweet course is offered in bulk, and warm plates are first distributed. Usually, with the pudding- plates, small forks and dessert-spoons are laid to left and right. Cold plates, of course, precede the ice course, and this sweet, whether molded in a block or in individual forms, or packed in dainty paper receptacles, is offered to the guest for choice and self-serving. A large bomb or brick of ice cream would, of course, be first cut in slices. At a grand dinner party, when cold cheese is offered, a choice of no less than two and some- times of four, sorts is given the guests. The rule is to present two rich, two plain, or one green and one white cheeses. The cheese course calls for a paraphernalia of fancy cold plates and small, fanciful sUver-bladed knives. One servant offers the cheese and the second helper presents a dish holding butter, and at least two sorts of bisctdts. When a hot cheese course is served, then warm plates and small forks are distributed. The souffle is brought, still cooking in its intensely hot dish, that the guests may serve themselves. For the fruit course, handsomely decorated cold Dinners 189 plates are required, and on each one a tiny square of de- licate, fanciftil napery is laid to prevent the finger-bowl of silver or cut glass from rattling against the china platter. The finger-bowl is never more than half filled with water, which should be of the temperature of the dining-room, and into every bowl a geranium or other deUcately aromatic leaf may be dropped to float on the surface of the water. On every fruit-plate, or to right and left of every one, a small silver pronged and bladed fruit-fork and knife is laid. The paraphernalia for dealing with this course having been placed, one servant then offers a dish of choice fresh fruit, the other follow- ing with small dishes of sweets. Afterward, the fruit- and sweets-dishes are placed on the table. Then the servant may fill the port glasses, rettuTiing the decanters to the table. As soon as the fruit course has gone rotmd, the butler or head maid watches the hostess to note the instant at which she gives the signal for the adjournment of the ladies to the drawing-room. As the hostess rises, the head domestic opens that door, or draws back those portieres, that lead to the drawing- room, standing to one side as the feminine guests file out. On the departure of the ladies, the butler or head maid remains in the dining-room to pass the whiskey or brandy, liqueurs, sherry and port decanters, the cigars and cigarettes, the alcohol lamp from which the smokers take their light, and the fresh bottles of spark- ling water. When every requisite has been set in place, the servants withdraw from the dining-room. Such, in general outline, is the order in which a cere- monious dinner is usually served. For those who desire specific information on other points, it may be ad- ded that asparagus when offered is presented on a large igo Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e platter Kned with a napkin or a stratum of thick sHces of toast. On the platter's side, asparagus tongs, or a large silver fork and spoon, are laid for the • ^ -f ** guests' use. In a sauce-boat the proper importance . , , garnishment for this vegetable is served separately. Green com on the cob, delicious as this vegetable is when tender and well cooked, has no right- ful place at a ceremonious dinner. French burr arti- chokes, when forming a vegetable course, are ranged on a platter lined with a napkin which absorbs extra mois- ture, and a large silver spoon and fork shotild be laid side by side on that edge of the platter which is pre- sented to the guest. It is best for the servant, when passing a large vol-au-vent, to cut the pastry through at one place, so that an inexperienced guest who makes the first attack on the dish need not, through fear of accident, refrain from touching the firm yet fragile walls of the delicacy. At a large and formal dinner, no dish ever is offered twice. At smaller dinners, the ices are sometimes taken round more than once. The point at which the table is partially cleared and the crumbs removed is differently observed in different houses. Some servants clear away non-essentials after the game course and brush the crumbs into small silver trays. A silver crumb-knife or a folded napkin will serve to remove this debris. It is quite permissible to brush off the crumbs and otherwise set the table to rights after the ices have been finished. If sparkling and still water have both been poured during the dinner, the small tumblers for the aerated liquid are often left with the sherry glasses and replenished if no champagne has been offered. On the sideboard, at every dinner, a silver or delicate white-wicker basket, lined with a fringed napkin, shovdd stand heaped with small dinner- Dinners 191 rolls. Once or twice, as the need seems obvious, these small pieces of crusty bread should be passed, for many a guest is unable to enjoy a meal without a lavish allowance of the staff of life. Formerly, at that point in a dinner when the ladies retired, the butler stripped the table of cloth and under- cloth, and then, on the rich old oak or polished mahog- any board, arranged the tobacco boxes, the glasses, decanters, cobwebbed bottles, and the silver candela- bra. This course is rarely pursued to-day, for the two good reasons that the hostess's napery is abundant enough to allow for her best cloth once used to be sent to the laundry and that wine-stains may now easily be removed. Again, to-day the gentlemen left in the dining-room seldom or never carry the joys of wine drinking too far, and no danger of conflagration or breakage arises from an over-exhilarated diner's sudden disappearance under the board, carrying with him cloth and Hghts and precious crystal bottles in his exit from view. The drawing of the cloth was merely a wise eighteenth-century precaution which the sobriety of to-day renders unessential and an awkward nuisance to self -controlled gentlemen. It is of prime importance for the host and hostess to be in readiness to receive the first guest. That hostess does not err who, twenty minutes in advance of her dinner hour, arrives care- "^ ^' fully toileted in her drawing-room and received makes a full inspection of all the prepara- tions for her guests. When a cloak-room for the men, as well as for the women guests, is prepared, the former are usually given the use of a study or Hbrary on the first floor, and the ladies are asked upstairs to 192 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage one of the bedrooms, agreeably wanned, lighted, and provided with the small toilet reqioisites. When a dinner of four or twenty guests is held, there should be servants in attendance to remove and replace the ladies' wraps and to perform the same office in the gentlemen's cloak-room. As her friends arrive in the drawing- room, the hostess advances to meet and greet them most cordially with outstretched hand. The host follows smt. In the event of a feast of many covers, the hostess usually stands near the drawing-room door till the last expected person has entered. When a guest of special honor is the object of the entertainment, the hostess takes pains to present all the other members of the dinner party to the honored individual. For further rules regarding introductions for host and hostess at dinners, see Chapter One, page 13. If, fifteen minutes after the dinner hour, all expected guests have not arrived, a hostess must not delay the service. A dinner rxiined in the cooking by a long wait for a delinquent is a gross injustice to the other guests. Just how long after the hour set she is willing to delay, the hostess should decide previously with her butler or head maid, who must accordingly announce the meal the instant the moments of grace have expired. As the announcement is made, the duty of the host is to offer his right arm to the lady of first importance who is present. The other guests, arm in arm, fall in behind him; the hostess and the most important mascu- line guest always bring up the rear. In the event of a small dinner, the hostess, having arranged her guests at table by card or merely in her mind's eye, so to speak, rises or turns as dinner is announced and says quietly: "Mr. A., will you take in Miss B.?" "Mr. C, will Dinners I93 you and Mrs. D. go in together, please?" "Mr. D., I have placed you and Mrs. C. side by side. " To the host it is not necessary, as a rule, to say any- thing, since he should be given in advance the name of that lady who is to sit upon his right. If name-cards are not used at the covers, then the hostess, as soon as she reaches her chair, and before she takes her seat, indicates by word of mouth the position of the couples. As the lady the host takes in invariably sits on his right, and as the gentleman who takes in the hostess invaria- bly sits on her right, the location of the other couples is calculated from the two fixed positions. The ruling of precedence requires that the gentleman ranking second in importance sit on the hostess's left, and that the lady of secondary moment occupy the chair to the host's left. Thus the placing at table may be readily and easily indicated in seemingly impromptu fashion by a hostess who understands the rule of seating. But here let it be understood that the greater or less importance of guests on the occasion of a dinner is not a matter of their title or social rank. At „. iTT-in -1 11 The question least m the Umted btates it should not of precedence be so understood, unless real rank exists. For instance, when high government, army, or naval officials are entertained, the general and his lady, the Mr. Justice and his mate, or the admiral and his wife, are always placed on the right of host and hostess if there is no other couple of higher position from the bench, army, or navy to outrank them. Where we enter officialdom, precedence is almost as marked in the United States as in a European kingdom. Thus, the President, wherever he may dine, goes to table first with the wife of his host, and the wife of the chief magis- 194 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e trate comes directly after on the arm of the host ; but in the case of a dinner party where no titles are enjoyed by any one in the assemblage, the place of honor on the host's right may be given to that lady in whose behalf the entertainment is held. If she is a married person and her husband is present, he sits to the right of the hostess. On the host's left sits the next most impor- tant married lady at the feast, while her husband per- haps sits at the hostess's left. But in case the dinner is not held in special honor of any one, then the host gives his arm to the eldest dowager present or to that matron who has never before been entertained formally tmder his roof. A lady who is a house guest is sometimes put on the right of the host, even when she is young and unmarried, providing there are no matrons present who are newcomers to the table. When a table is laid for twelve or more covers, it is scarcely safe for a hostess to attempt to marshal guests in and indicate their seats on the strength alone of her memory of a previously con- certed plan for placing them. The better, and indeed now the tmiversaUy accepted, way is for the hostess to ponder carefully the arrangement of all her couples and graduate the seating by observing certain rules of precedence and preference. She must not place rela- tions side by side, or ask two argumentative or uncon- genial persons to go in together. When all the places have been filled to her satisfaction, she puts name-cards at each cover and then provides other cards in small envelopes, to be handed one to every gentleman on his arrival. On each card is inscribed the name of the lady whom the recipient of the bristol-board slip is to take in to dinner. On the card envelopes are written Dinners I95 the names of the gentlemen for whom they are intended. The servant at the door, or in the cloak-room, dis- tributes the cards, and that gentleman who is in igno- rance of even the appearance of his dinner partner can at once state his diSictdty to the host or hostess and be presented. By the use of this simple device, the host- ess's mind is freed from disagreeable anxieties at the final moments and as the guests arrive in the dining- room, she leaves them at Hberty to circle the table till they have found their places. When a clergyman makes one at a dinner party, it is considered a compliment to his cloth and calling for the host or hostess to ask that hostes^at he pronounce a blessing on the meal. table To this, reverence is displayed by the heads of the house who stand by their chairs with bowed heads as the simple office is performed. At a well-managed dinner, the service of the courses begins immediately the company are seated, and long waits between courses are uaknown. A hostess should keep a watchful eye upon the guests and eat herself at the pace of the slowest among her friends. It is a discourtesy for the head and foot of the table to refuse any of the dishes as they are passed, or, by hastily disposing of the contents of their plates, put their knives and forks together long before the more deliber- ate eaters can have comfortably and quietly enjoyed their helpings. At a large and formal dinner, served d la russe, it is not necessary for the entertainers to suggest second helpings for anybody from any dish, or is it correct for the host and hostess to appear to resent a guest's want of appetite or refusal of dishes. The hostess's quick eye may take note, but quite covertly, of trjdng dinner- 196 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e incidents, but no comment is permitted her, and her demeanor should be that of pleasure in the graceful office she fulfills. The correct manner for the host is that of tmrestrained pleasure in the agreeable duty of talking to those nearest at hand, in apparent bHndness to a guest's blunders, and in noble ignorance of a hitch in the proceedings, if one takes place. From the admir- able cheerfulness and composure of the occupants of the chairs at the head and foot of the table, the guests usually take their cue, and they suffer acute distress and embarrassment when entertainers lose, in any respect, their perfect self-control. If a guest is late in arriving, the host and hostess must display not a particle of resentment, even if the tardy one offers feeble excuses for the delay. In honor of any late comer, the host rises from the table and goes forward with greetings, but the hostess stands up only to greet a belated woman friend. At a truly cere- monious dinner, the courses already dismissed are not recalled for the delinquent's enjoyment. A late arrival may be expected to begin the dinner at the point at which he finds it, and it is not necessary for the heads of the house even to suggest that the soup or fish be re- called. Naturally, at a dinner of less formality and size, the tardy guest, if not more than two courses behind- hand, would be invited to begin the meal at its proper point of inauguration. But when a late guest accepts this invitation, the other courses should progress with- out delay, for a whole meal must not be halted merely to oblige one careless or tmfortunate person. When a late and apologetic guest begs to be allowed to take up the meal at the course served, or about to be served on his moment of appearance, the hosts should not insist on recalling dishes already sent back to the kitchen. Dinners I97 When accidents occur, both host and hostess are obliged to display exceeding self-control. If a servant is at fault, and a dish or wineglass is _„ .. ^ spilled or overturned without injury to a f^f.^^ guest's toilet, then the hostess should say, to those whose plates or near-areas of table-cloth have been splashed, "/ am so sorry Mrs. A.," and quietly direct the servant to remedy the error as nearly as possible. An ordinarily weU-trained domestic will be able to clear away all signs of an accident at once, and the hostess need not offer any directions. If injury is done to the guest's belongings, then very prompt and earnest apologies must be immediately offered from both ends of the table. When a woman guest's gown is injured to the point where it is necessary for assistance to be rendered in the dressing-room, the hostess must not leave the table to show her solicitude, but order a maid to serve the lady, and as nearly as possible remove aU marks of injury. Very hearty apologies, such as: " T am so very, very sorry Mrs. A. I trust your gown has not been seriously damaged, " — or " This is too bad; I can hardly say how grieved I am, and hope in time you will find it in your heart to forgive us," are sufficient to display regret at a lamentable incident, while the host, rising and coming forward a moment to the unfortunate one's side, should echo his wife's emotions. When a lady, for this or any other reason, leaves the table, the host rises, and when she returns he rises. Should the victim of a clumsy servant be a masculine guest, the heads of the table may display regret in as impressive a manner as for a woman, but, unless the guest has been reaUy injured, the host does not accom- 198 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e pany him to the dressing-room where the damage is to be repaired, even if that damage is to the extent where a loan of clean garments is required. The host, only, rises when a masciiline guest leaves and returns to the table. In case a guest is called from dinner by accident or bad news, the host might, in an exceptional case, accompany a woman to the very door of her carriage. A doctor called to a patient's bedside, or a guest summoned to the telephone, wotild be allowed to depart without special ceremony. A woman guest, obHged to leave a dinner to fiilfill an engagement else- where, should find the host rising to take leave of her at the dining-room door, while the hostess would not feel it necessary to quit her chair. The hostess, "nobly plaimed, to warm and comfort and command, " does not forget her place or position, good temper or dignity, when a servant is gxiilty of many mistakes in service, when a coirrse arrives under- done, overdone, or lacking savor or sauce. A stupid or nervous servant is never rendered keener of wit or surer of herself by the desperate glances of a harassed mistress ; by sharp, though covert, reproofs ; by repeated corrections, or by an untranslatable series of danger signals. The best way with an unreliable domestic is to give only the most requisite directions in a low and very, very gentle tone. Remonstrance, sarcasm, and bitter reproof must be reserved for a more private hour, and it is far better to have the fish go round sauceless, the cheese to be wholly ignored, and the wines inappro- priately poured, than to attempt to pull a bad situation into shape by strenuous, audible efforts, obviously discomforting to the guests and not really helpful to a badly demoraHzed waiter. If a dish comes up from the kitchen inadequately pre- Dinners I99 pared and dressed, it must not be sent back for comple- ter treatment, with stem messages to the cook. Unless really injurious to health, it had best be passed, trifled with considerately by kind-hearted guests, and then removed to make way for something better. When a servant whispers that lU-luck has overtaken a course, then the hostess should direct its successor to be served as soon as possible. If a long, awkward wait intervenes between courses, or distressing crashes are heard, then host and hostess must needs appear as placidly uncon- cerned as possible. Apologies for errors and omissions must not be offered at a formal dinner, unless they act directly to the discomfiture of the guests; and, above aU things, entertainers must try not to look worried; to let their eyes rove apprehensively, and to call the servant to one side too often. When a guest is at fault and overturns a glass, jogs a servant's arm, or perpe- trates some painfully awkward maneuver, neither host nor hostess shovdd appear to notice the accident unless the unfortunate one shows acute distress and murmurs apologies. Then it is enough to say, with a kind look of reassurance: "Please do not feel so distressed. No real harm is done, I am sure." So much is obligatory, even when the guest has broken a precious piece of glass or china, or stained handsome linen with fruit-jmce. At their own table, the givers of a dinner avoid any but the lightest discussion of serious subjects. A host and hostess do not offer fixed or harsh opinions on political or religious topics, and when guests wax warm in argument, a diversion, in the way of a new topic introduced or questions directly asked one of the disputants, must be offered. 200 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e At the end of the last course, the hostess catches the eye of the lady to the right of the host, and then rises. This is the signal for withdrawal of aU feminine guests to the drawing-room. The host rises at this point and stands till the ladies have disappeared. The hostess usually leads the way for a troop of feminine guests. In the dining-room, it is scarcely considerate for the host to allow his masculine friends to linger longer than half an hour. Cigars and cigarettes must both be offered, as weU as coffee and liqueurs. When the moment for adjournment to the drawing- room arrives, the host rises, saying, "Shall we join the ladies?" and within the drawing-room After-dinner -^^ divides his attentions among as many of the women guests as possible. When cards are offered as a diversion after dinner, the tables are brought in and placed as soon as the gentlemen leave the dining-room. If adjournment to the playhouse, opera-house, concert or lecture haU is to follow on a dinner, or if the host and hostess desire to take aU their guests on to a ball, then the means of transportation are provided by the dinner-givers, unless the guests are owners of luxurious conveyances. Sometimes a dinner at a private house is followed by a reception in honor of some guest of moment, who has sat upon the host's or hostess's right hand. In that event, the meal must be so timed that the hosts and their guest of honor will be in readiness to greet the first after-dinner guest who appears promptly. Such a reception would be con- ducted in the manner described in Chapter Seventeen. Ordinarily, a private dinner party concludes with an hour or an hour and a half of pleasant conversation in the drawing-room, the guests falling into couples to Dinners 201 suit their own preference and pleasure, the host and hostess introducing those who did not meet on the first assemblage before dinner. If musicians, monologists, notable dancers, or entertainers of any sort have been hired to divert the company after the meal, the special diversion should not begin tiU the gentlemen have left the dining-room. The hostess should lead applause standing or sitting somewhere to the rear of her group of guests. If the hostess requests a guest to sing, play, recite, or read for the diversion of the others, the host should be the first person to second the request, com- ing up at once to lead a lady to the piano or arranging where the monologist shall stand. When a guest pro- vides entertainment with amiable intent, the host and hostess should lead the applause in very hearty fashion and make immediate thanks for the song or recitation. With the rising of a woman guest to take her leave, both host and hostess come forward. The hostess does not rise to take leave of a mascuUne guest tmless he departs with a feminine companion, unless he is a venerable person, or is the guest of honor. To say, as a guest takes leave : "Must you really be going, Mrs. A.?" — or "I am sorry you are going so early, Miss B.,"- — or "Are you not deserting us very soon, Mr. C?" are polite conventionalities of the moment which the guest expects, rarely hoping or desiring to be pressed to remain longer. Only at small and rather uncere- monious dinners should the hostess say: "Really, Mr. and Mrs. A., you must not leave us so soon. It is only half-past ten; can we not keep you a half -hour longer ? " When a big dinner is followed by card games, which the departure of some member of the party disarranges, 202 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e the heads of the house are entitled to press for delay in departure. Or if, after a great dinner, some leading artist or gifted amateur is to provide music, then the hostess has the right to say : " Can you not wait a few moments longer? Mons. B. is going to sing, and I should be sorry to have you miss hearing his voice. " In the great majority of instances, it is only essential, on the retreat of a guest, for the host and hostess to indicate regret at the departure and to shake hands most cordially, accompanying the retiring friends no farther than the drawing-room door. If capable ser- vants are in the hall and dressing-rooms, these may be trusted to see that wraps are adjusted and vehicles called, but in a house where simple Hving is the order and necessity of life, the hostess rings the bell to warn a servant to be on hand at the front door, and the host may follow the guest out to see that the departure is made in comfort. As long as other friends remain to claim her attention, the hostess does not leave her drawing-room, while if no host is present to assist her, she may direct her head maid or maid-of-all-work to see the guest out, help with wraps, and hail, or telephone for, a cab. To the guest's thanks for entertainment received, it is enough for a host or hostess to respond with : " Thank you so much, " — or, " You are kind to say it has been successful: we have so enjoyed seeing you. " As a rule, a brief "How good you are!" or " Thank you, indeed," is a sufficient response when several guests bid adieu in succession. All dinners should be attended strictly on time, but Dinners 203 at ceremonious dinings the delinquent guest appears as a kind of social outlaw. Punctilious „. ^. , . . - - The aiuner men and women stnve to ring the door- g^gg^ bell of the house whereat they are to dine on the stroke of the hour. Forgivable, but rather reckless, is the guest who turns up five to ten minutes later, while a complete apology and very cogent excuse must be offered by that unlucky individual who keeps the feast waiting, or who arrives after the courses have begun to go round. A belated guest goes into the dining-room and at once to the hostess with a brief but clear explanation of the delay, and with words of regret. A tardy person refuses to have any courses recalled, and, having shaken hands with hostess and host, takes his place, and bowing to acquaintances, expresses additional rogrets xo the guest with whom the entrance to the dining-room shotdd have been made. A prompt arrival waits for the ser- vant to indicate where wraps are to be taken off and deposited. When a husband and wife attend a dinner together, the husband waits in the hall till his wife joins him and enters the drawing-room in her wake. A father and daughter, brother and sister, a betrothed pair, or man and woman friend, would, arriving to- gether, follow this course. The hostess is greeted first, then the host, and afterward acquaintances among the guests. The guest who arrives alone and knows nobody says at once, on looking round, if the drawing-room is already gay with people : " You must introduce me; I do not seem to recognize any one here, " — or "Please tell me which lady I am to take in. " The servant's announcement that dinner is served is the signal for adjournment to the dining-room. 204 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Thereupon, the mascuUne guest, with or without any special remark, offers his right arm to the lady beside whom he is to sit at table and waits for the host to lead the way. Older folk usually walk in before debutantes and very young men, but besides this deference due to age there is no special order of procession to be observed. Putting her hand on the gentleman's arm, the woman guest proceeds to the table, and she and her escort, if no places are marked with name-cards, stand quietly till the hostess has arrived and begins to indicate the seating of the couples. Ladies who wear trained gowns do not lift and carry their trains when walking in to dinner. They do not remove their gloves till seated, and men, as a rule, leave their gloves in the dressing- room. A gentleman draws back her chair and sees carefully into her seat the lady he takes into dinner before subsiding into his own place, and a lady waits an instant to see the hostess seated before she follows suit. If a grace is asked, the guests usually stand with bended heads until the blessing is pronounced. Im- mediately the company is seated, every individual transfers his or her napkin from table to knee, lays the roU it contains to one side, and then the women begin the removal of their gloves. Those who wear long gloves may remove them entirely or merely draw the hands from their kid casings and stuff the empty por- tion back into the fullness about the wrist. The gloves, if wholly removed, are laid under the napkin, which must not be used as a towel or spread over the knees like a driving-blanket. Persons who rejoice in nice table manners do not use their napkins to protect their garments from drops and Dinners 205 crumbs, but to wipe their lips and fingers when fruit is eaten; consequently, this aid to comfort and neatness is not to be tucked in anywhere or made prominent. Grace and ease in hand- deportment ling knife and fork are very requisite accomplishments for the diner-out. If, therefore, any applicant to this book desires fuller information than this chapter wiU supply, let him turn to page 211 and read at length how aU the implements must be handled. Here it is only requisite to say that in many instances guests of charming maimers but slight experience with fashionable life often find themselves in a quandary before unfamiliar dishes at big dinner parties. Some strange and dehcious French compounds are built up into beautiful but formidable edifices of pastry and aspic, and what to take and what to ignore of the noble dish embarrasses the uninitiated diner. The only rule to be given here, when something very strange and rather awe-inspiring is offered by the servant, is to glance about in order to learn how others have helped themselves and follow suit ; or, if this is not possible, it is better to be bold than timid and, in a low voice, ask the servant how and where to make inroads on the splendid deHcacy. In eating cheeses, strange puddings, hors-d'ceuvres, or fniits never met with before, the unexperienced guest does well to note the actions of hostess or host in choice of forks and knives for handling the novelties. It is not poHte at a diimer to refuse any one of the chief dishes. Very small helpings may be made from every course, but an interest in the food should be simulated for the sake of the feelings of host and hostess. A second helping must never be asked for in any circumstances at a formal dinner, and even when entertainers, in ignorance of the rules of formal Bo6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage hospitality, press a guest to partake of a second helping, the opportunity should be gracefully but firmly refused. A guest is privileged to refuse all or one or more wines, hors-d'oeuvres, Hqueurs, fresh fruit, sweets, and coffee. But there is no paUiation, at a big dinner served in formal fashion, for the error of asking for condiments or butter. To do so is to reflect on the virtue of the food offered. Additional bread and water may be requested of the servant in a low voice, when that functionary bends down to present a dish. At a grand and very formal dinner, even intimates of the household or near relations have no right to exclaim in admiration of anj^hing seen or eaten. The beauty of the decorations, or the excellence of a dish, may be mentioned to one's nearest neighbor, but a certain state and high dignity at a fine dinner forbid the pleasant familiarities that are so natural and acceptable at a less ceremonious entertainment. At a dinner managed by a competent corps of well- trained servants, guests do not pass any dishes along the cloth, such as friiits, sweets, etc. The servants hand these, and even the port decanters are maneuvered by them. When simpler service is provided, the guests themselves may send the dishes of rehshes, salted nuts, fruit or bonbons circling, and wine decanters go round on the cloth ,ifhder the exclusive management of the mascuHne dmers. Women do not help themselves, or the gentlemen beside them, to wine. This office is first performed, when no butler or capable handmaid is in command, by the host for the lady on his right; then the host fills his own glass and gently pushes the bottle or decanter to the gentleman beyond him on his right who in turn serves the lady at his right, then himself, and then sends the decanter on round the table. Dinners 207 ^s the servants must needs wait till all the company- have laid down their forks before beginning to remove a course, it behooves a guest to try to eat in time with his companions. To dispose of a helping too rapidly, or to dawdle, is an equally reprehensible method, and a very slow eater had better enjoy a mere mouthful or two of every course rather than keep a table waiting. When a delinquent guest arrives, after the courses have commenced to go round, the other guests need not rise as must the host and hostess in certain circumstances. The women guests do not rise in any event till the dinner is over, while the only gentleman who needs stand is that one beside whom a tardy lady is to place herself. When the hostess and the lady at the host's right rise simtiltaneously, the rest of the company follows siiit. If no servant is near to open the door or hold back the curtains leading to the drawing-room, the gentleman nearest at hand performs this office for the ladies, and all the men guests stand tmtil the women have disappeared. After the women have gone, the men change their places at table, if they choose, in order to be nearer the host or enjoy a chat with some particu- lar friend. It is not necessary to accept the host's offer of liqueurs, coffee, and cigars, but it is assuredly not polite to produce one's own tobacco, or to attempt a few moment's enjoyment of a beloved pipe. As soon as the host proposes adjournment to the drawing-room, or merely by rising intimates his wish to join the ladies, the rest of the men guests must follow his lead. Within the drawing-room, the ladies resume their gloves or not as they choose and place themselves where they like, to chat and sip coffee and cordials. Even in this day and generation, when women smoke without so8 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e any longer exciting comment or criticism, it is not con- sidered kind or discreet in a fair devotee of the cigarette either to ask permission to indulge in tobacco or pre- simie, tminvited, to do so in a drawing-room. The victim of this habit who is miserable after a meal with- out a cigarette, and who is well aware that the hostess does not permit smoking in her parlor, may withdraw to the dressing-room for ten minutes and there allow herself a whiff or two from the supplies in her own case. When a hostess is herself a smoker or is complaisant where this habit is concerned, she may order the servant to pass a tray of one or more brands of good cigarettes and a lighted smoker's lamp to her women guests. This impUes that the indulgence is allowed in the draw- ing-room, even when the head of the house does not encourage by her own example. At a formal and fashionable dinner, the smoking is over by the time all the guests reassemble in the drawing-room, and then those who have When guests engagements elsewhere may rise and take take leave o o j l^ave, explaining the cause of their early departtu-e. When no need for so prompt a retreat exists, it is usual for guests to remain till a quarter to eleven o'clock or fuUy eleven, though to remain an hour and a quarter to an hour and a half after the meal is concluded is by some persons considered compHment enough. Naturally, where cards, a reception, or music have been especially prepared to follow a dinner, the guests who have no pressing engagements remain, if they like, as late as half-past eleven or midnight. Some very punctilious young persons do not rise to take leave of the host and hostess until a dowager of importance has done so, for in Europe, at a fine dinner, there is prece- Dinners 209 dence observed in departure, and the less individuals wait for the greater to make the first move toward the break-up of a party. When a husband and wife, brother and sister, or father and daughter have arrived together, they leave simultaneously, and on the lady devolves the duty of making the first motion toward departure. If guests are fast disappearing and the hour is ten- thirty or eleven, the minority must follow the lead of the majority, unless the hostess and host are their warm friends and press them to remain for twenty minutes to a half-hour more. On rising to depart, the guest of either sex first seeks out the hostess and thanks her for the entertainment enjoyed. An expression of profuse gratitude is not essential, and it is enough to say : "Good night, Mrs. A., this has been a most agreeable dinner, " — or " Thank you so much for this delightful evening,"- — or "/ am greatly in your debt, Mrs. A." When the hostess has been explicitly thanked for the hospitality received, it is not necessary to repeat grate- ful phrases to the host when bidding him good-evening. To make the rounds of a crowded drawing-room, taking formal farewell of ten or more fellow-guests, is not essential. A guest, rising to depart, bids a courteous good-night to the person last engaged in conversation, and if pleasant acquaintances are very near, a hand may be offered each one with farewell words. Otherwise it is enough to bow very graciously to others who look up and smile and bow a good-night, and then, addressing hostess and host, pass straight out of the room. Some- times a gentleman makes a point of taking formal leave of the lady who was his table partner. But this he would not do when the lady in question is across a large «4 210 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage room or engaged in cards or deep in conversation. Guests who have been rendered ordinary service in the dressing-rooms need not feel it essential to offer any servant a tip. Shotdd a lady or gentleman receive from a servant special attentions, a tip when forth- coming leaves an agreeable impression. For men, dinner dress is evening dress, consisting ol black coat and trousers, white waistcoat, white linen, ^. , patent-leather pumps, white gloves, and Dinner dress ^ ... .. ,.^ i; ' ,.^ °. . white muslm tie. i he white tie is worn only when the coat skirts are long and of the claw- hammer or swallow-tail shape. With a short-skirted evening coat or Tuxedo, as this garment is caUed, a black tie is the proper neck decoration. The short dinner coat is never the proper garment to appear in at a ceremonious dinner party. FuU dinner toilet for a woman implies the use of a d6collete gown of lace, satin, silk, velvet, or cr&pe-de- chine of suitable evening hue; a becoming coiffure; delicate shoes; white or pale- tinted gloves, and jew- eled ornaments. The richest costume in a woman's wardrobe and her most splendid jewels are not too elaborate for a ceremonious dinner. For a small dinner party, a gown with elbow-long sleeves, its neck cut open in a small V or round, and a moderate display of ornaments is correct. CHAPTER SIX THE GRACEFUL KNIFE AND FORK On entering a dining-room to take part in a meal, whether it is grand or simple, courtesy requires that a man, whatever his age, waits for the „ . . . , . , . Position women m his company to assume then- g^ t^ble seats first. A well-bred woman lingers by her chair till her hostess is seated, and a young girl pauses for senior members of her own sex, for her mother, aunt, or matron friend to take their places before she sHps into her own seat. Many persons place themselves too close to or too far from 1!he board and fail to maintain throughout a repast an erect posture. The waistline should be about four and a half or five inches distant from the table's edge. So seated, the diner is obliged to exercise the minimum effort in bending forward to take food from fork or spoon and in leaning back at intervals to rest the shoulders. A lounging habit when eating is nothing less than deplorable, as is that of sitting upon one'* half-drawn-forward chair-tip or sidewise to the board. An erect and correct position promotes diges- tion. The hands, when not occupied with the knife, fork, etc., come to their proper resting-place in the diner's lap. A distressing and disturbing element at a meal is the guest who fidgets, who crumbles bread, 211 212 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e rings fork and spoon-handles together, twirls goblets by their stems, draws hieroglyphics on the cloth, plays nervously with crumbs and salt, and uses the board as a prop for restless hands, for arms and elbows, while resting the chin on the palm to talk. Repose is a blessing at table and nowhere else more the accepted hallmark of consideration and refinement in the otherwise unknown individual. An even voice and an unexcited manner of conversing are vastly more agreeable at a meal than too great gaiety, excessive laughter, or exaggerated gesticulation. We have already noted that the place for one's arms is not on the board, and the elbows at aU times must be held well in control: that is to say, they of elbows must not only be kept off the table but, when cutting food and when Hfting it to the mouth, they should not be thrust more than six inches to right and left of the body. The movement of one's elbows is controlled when eating by the manner in which the knife and fork are used. The false habit of gripping a fork in the fist and lifting its burden to present it directly to the center and level of the lips has the unhappy result of thrusting the elbow a foot away from the body, to the discomfort of a near neighbor and the extremely awkward appearance of the deHnquent. Perhaps nowhere else are unlucky tricks of manner so noticeable as at a family or friendly board ; such, for example, as the abuse and misuse of the naf)kin. This is the first article of table furniture with which a diner has to deal, and the manner in which it is „, , . employed indicates volumes as to one's The napkin f / . . . social traimng. In our day, a napkin is The Graceful Rnife and ForK 213 not to be used as a protection or a towel. When properly seated at table and correctly handling the implements at one's cover, no excuse exists for dropping food in the lap or on the front of one's clothing. There- fore, in polite society, a napkin is only shaken out of its first folds, to be laid scarfwise across the lap, not spread as a driving-rug or apronwise across the knees. At intervals, the linen square is lifted to the lips, or the fingers are rubbed on the napkin as it lies on the knees. After a fruit course, and the hands have been, one at a time, dabbled in the water of a finger-bowl, they are passed again over the napkin to dry them. Finally, at the end of a meal enjoyed in a friend's house or in a restaurant, this piece of napery is placed, unrestored to its original folds, on the table beside the last plate used. At home, or when stopping in the house of a friend where the table linen is not freshly supplied at every meal, neat and thrifty habits demand that the napkin be tidUy refolded and laid beside the plate. No excuse, save childish carelessness in table habits, may be offered in behalf of the individual who tucks a napkin comer into the front of waistcoat or blouse, or uses it bib wise as babies do, thrust between the cloth- ing and throat under the chin. Food that cannot be eaten without this safeguard should be let alone, or the wiser and more decent course pursued of learning how to deal with any helping from any dish in the manner adopted in pohte society. A precaution must be urged against picking up hot food, such as eggs and ears of com, with the napkin, and against dipping one comer of it into a tumblerful of water in order to wash one's mouth or fingers free of grease or stickiness. When, by sad mischance, a drop of gravy or juice falls on one's clothing, it may be 214 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage wiped off with the napkin which need not be moistened first. For the student of charming refinement in table deportment, one of the most vital rules is that which exacts noiseless eating. All unnecessary clatter with silver, glass, and china must be sedulously avoided, and food, to the end that it may be silently masticated, must be Mse ess taken in moderate mouthf uls and chewed eating with as little hurry as with apparent effort. A knife, of course, is used only for cutting and pushing food on the fork and not for lifting anything to the mouth. A careful person takes up food from the plate without unnecessarily striking either knife or fork against the china; a fork or spoon in no circum- stances must be allowed to knock against the teeth. A small mouthful, even of toast or crisp biscuit, is eaten twice as quietly for being eaten in small quanti- ties and slowly, and the mouth, when fiUed with food, should never be opened till the last morsel is consumed. Half-open-mouthed eating is nothing short of disgust- ing and productive only of tmpleasant and animal sounds. This table implement must not be grasped as though it were an umbrella or a golf-stick, nor shotild it be taken hold of too near the bowl-end. When The spoon ^^^^ ^^^ ^^^p^ -^ ^^^^ ^^ dipped into the liquid with a motion away from the diner, and never lifted when its bowl is more than three-quarters full. A brimming spoon implies, for any but the phenomen- ally steady hand, a chapter of awkward accidents. When imbibing soup, the spoon must not jar against the plate or must the under side of its bowl be scraped THe Graceful Knife and ForK 215 along the plate's edge to free it from drops. All liquid portions should be eaten invariably from the spoon's side ; it is an indefensible mistake to take soup, tea, or coffee from a spoon's end and to drink the liquid with any noise whatsoever. If bouillon is served in a cup, a spoon lies in the plate or saucer beside it. Here the spoon is intended merely for stirring the liquid and for testing its temperature. After several sips of the bou- illon have been thus taken, the remainder of it should be dnuik from the cup. Jellied bouillon ds, of course, taken up wholly by spoonfuls. There is a daintiness shown in never draining the last drop from a bouiUon- cup and in refraining from scraping up the final spoon- ful from a plate of soup. Refinement in table behavior does not allow a plate to be tipped that the last possible spoonfuls may be secured. All necessary soup may be secured while the plate sits flat, but if the plate is tipped it should be inclined away from, and not toward, the diner. Puddings, compotes of fruit, served with cream and sugar, or in juice, Roman punch, ices, ice creams, jellies, and fruit salads, are all presented nowa- days at meals with individual spoon-and-fork accom- paniment. The spoon may be of the tea or dessert size, and the diner uses it with the fork simtdtaneously or employs the spoon alone as preference may dictate. When fruits, still holding their stones, are served, the diner is expected, with the aid of a fork, to extract the stones or cut away the undesired parts or skins before putting any fruit into the mouth. Spoons of a special shape are given as a rule with the grapefruit or orange course which inaugurates a luncheon or dinner menu, and this spoon is never left sticking in the uneaten fruit or perilously balanced in the empty skin. Melons, according to the shape in which their portions are cut, 2i6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage are sometimes served with fork and silver knife, some- times with fork and spoon. In the latter case, either of the silver utensils is used for lifting the food to the mouth. Hominy and rice are eaten with a fork, unless they are served with cream and sugar, when perforce they pass into the class of spoon-foods. But vegetables may, in no circumstances, be eaten with a spoon. If a diner feels unable to cope with peas and tomatoes by aid of a fork, then the refractory delicacies should be ignored, as it is better to deny oneself than resort to the childish expedient of eating them with a spoon. With tea, coffee, chocolate, cocoa, mUk, or any other liquid, such as lemonade, iced tea, etc., served in cups or glasses, the spoon given with the beverage is intended only as an implement for stirring and tasting. After sipping two or three times from the side, always, of one's teaspoon, it must then be laid by in the plate or saucer, and the remainder of the liquid drunk from the cup or glass. No faults in table behavior are more glaring than that of drinking from a cup in which the spoon remains, or that of imbibing the contents of a cup sip by sip from the bowl of the spoon. A controversy still wages among observers of elegant table manners as to the advisability of lifting food to the lips on the convex or concave side of the modem four-pronged fork. In England, among well-bred folk, the fork is always held in the left hand, and, with the aid of the knife in the right hand, food is placed on the back or convex side of the fork prongs, then dexterously lifted to the mouth. In no circumstances is the knife laid by and the fork passed from left hand to right, as is the custom in the United States among essentially dainty eaters, in order XKe Graceful Knife and ForK 217 that the food may be lifted shovelwise, that is, on the concave side of the prongs. Both methods of pro- cedure display merits and disadvantages, and either method of handling the utensil may be rendered grace- ful enough if the fork be held firmly by the handle and not gripped in the fist, and if its prongs are never over- loaded. Big mouthfuls are both disgusting and awk- ward, since midway between plate and lips a portion of the food may fall back with ugly splashings. An overlarge portion distends the cheeks and requires a noisy effort at mastication. A word must here be said against lifting, by spoon or fork, more than the mouth can accept. To divide the contents of a fork or spoon into two mouthfuls is vulgar indeed; this necessitates holding one-half of the forkful in the air while the first part of its load is masticated. Fork prongs should not be allowed to clash and scrape on the plate; burdens dripping with juice and gravy must not be lifted to the Hps ; the prongs must not strike against the teeth or be thrust more than half-way into the mouth. One who practises good manners refrains from holding the empty fork prongs in the air while conversing; he never points with his fork and never props its prong-tips on his plate's edge while the handle lies out on the table-cloth. When a fork is not actually lifting food to the mouth, it must rest in and on the plate. At a simply served meal, if one's plate is passed to the carver for a second portion, the fork must be left on the plate. It is inelegant in the extreme to mash food in between the fork prongs for conveyance to the mouth, and when a portion is served with a knife and fork, or spoon and fork, it is very unwise to pursue a morsel about a plate with the fork and finally push it on to the prongs with a piece of bread. The knife or spoon must 2i8 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e be used in such need; the resort to the bit of bread as a pusher is merely childish. Knives of steel or silver are provided for cutting food only, never for conveying it to the mouth. The _ . knife as well as the fork must not be The knife gripped m the fist, or held too near its blade. When it is laid aside, that the fork may be taken into the right hand, its proper place is in and on the plate, not half on the plate and half on the cloth. When not in use, its blade-tip should rest in the center of the plate, its handle on the plate's edge. In this position, beside the fork, it should be placed when the plate is passed for a second helping and when a course or a meal is concluded. No dainty person ever mashes and stirs food with a knife blade. It is a serious mis- take to scrape up juice or gravy on a knife blade and pour it over a forkful of bread or potato, to dip one's sticky or greasy knife blade into a salt cellar, and, most deplorable of all, to vnpe a knife blade off on a piece of bread in order to take up recklessly splashed drops faUen on the table-cloth or on one's clothing. Silent drinking is an easy accomplishment to gain, and noisy sipping or sucking up of liquids is a habit both vulgar and inconsiderate. At all Cup ajid goblet times, when cup, tumbler, or a full spoon is lifted to the lips, the eyelids should be dropped, and there is no evidence of grace or elegance displayed by the elaborately outstretched fourth finger of the hand that raises a drinking-vessel. From nice table manners all senseless flourishes and elaboration are tabooed. A cup or tumbler should not be drained off at a draught, and at table, when lifting one glass of TKe Graceful Knife and Torh 219 water from time to time, it is essential to wipe the lips free of sweets or grease before taking a mouthftol of liqtdd. When drinJdng, it is a serious mistake to throw back the head and turn up the cup till it rests almost on one's nose; an equally tmfortunate mistake is made by the person who scrapes up the sugar from the bottom of his cup or who attempts to cool a hot beverage by all manner of kitchen devices. It is equally vtdgar to stir hot coffee violently, to pour steaming tea back and forth from spoon to cup, and it is positively an outrage against all the canons of good taste to blow on one's hot chocolate or pour coffee into a saucer to cool it. In dealing with the majority of cold breads, crackers, dinner-rolls, sandwiches, and cakes, the fingers are employed in place of metal utensils. Iced and layer cakes are most comfortably eaten with a fork. When sticky dainties are offered at afternoon at homes and no forks or napkins are pro- vided, it is wisest to forego these delicacies. Dry cake, crackers, and dry bread are not lifted, as a rule, in the whole sHce or square to the lips, and mouthfuls bitten therefrom. Properly, bread, cake, and crackers are broken with the fingers into mouthfuls and lifted suit- ably, bit by bit, to the lips. This is not possible, of course, with buttered slices of bread, with sandwiches, with hot buttered muffins and toast served at afternoon tea. These dehcacies, when then enjoyed, must be bitten from and the greased finger-tips wiped off on a fringed napkin or one's handkerchief shotild a hostess unfortunately forget to provide forks or napkins. When bread, butter, cheese, and conserves are offered as a course at a meal, the bread should be broken into bits 220 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e with the fingers, then buttered and loaded with cheese and sweets, and with the fingers lifted to the mouth. Celery and radishes are finger-foods when served as relishes, and tmder the head of finger-foods we may also class nuts, raisins, bonbons, olives, small individual cakes, and the majority of raw fruits. Strawberries served unstemmed and with sugar and cream are to be lifted between thvunb and forefinger of the right hand, roUed in cream and sugar, and lifted to the mouth. The accepted way of eating peaches, apples, pears, bananas, oranges, and large plums is not to peel the fruit and bite from it in its entirety. A banana should be stripped of its skin, laid on a plate, and cut into mouthfuls as required. The other fruits above mentioned are usually quartered first, the four parts are peeled in turn and then cut into mouthfuls which are conveyed to the lips with the fingers. At dinner-tables, for the fruit course, a fruit-knife and fork are supphed every guest, and many persons by dexterously handling these, never touch the fruit with their fingers. At a dinner, an orange must not be peeled round and round, then strip- ped of its white imaer skin, and separated in sHces for consumption. The correct way is to spear it firmly on the fruit-fork, cut away the inner and outer skin in deep strokes of the knife; then, stiU holding the whole yellow fruit on the fork, lop mouthfuls off from the heart, and finally convey these, freed of seeds, to the mouth on the fork's prongs. Grapes, gooseberries, currants, cherries, and small plums are eaten whoUy by the assistance of the fingers and their seeds must needs be ejected from the mouth, a difficult feat to accomplish inconspicuously. When any of these small fruits are eaten, the rejected parts must be dropped into the loosely closed left hand lifted The Graceful Knife and Torh 221 close to the lips, and passed noiselessly to the fruit- plate. Such dried fruits as dates and raisins are eaten in this manner. Pineapple is a fork-and-spoon or fork- and-knife fruit, so also are ginger in syrup, prunes stuffed or holding their stones. Dried figs may be bitten into two and three mouthfuls from their seeds; fresh figs are most daintily eaten with fruit-knife and fork. After a fruit coiu-se served with its requisite individual equipage of special fringed napkin and finger-bowl, the tips of the fingers, one hand at a time, should be slowly dipped into the finger-bowl and dried on the napkin. When the finger-bowls are lacking, then the juice-wet fingers may only be wiped dry on the napkin. One must not, save at a very picnic meal, resort to the expedient of pouring the contents of one's tumbler over one's fingers, of dipping one's fingers into one's drink- ing-glass, of putting a napkin comer into a tumbler and washing lips and fingers free of stickiness. Among hot, cooked dishes, burr artichokes, aspara- gus, and green com on the cob are recognized as finger- foods. Happily, com on the cob is rarely or never served save at family or very simple meals. Delicious as it is, its indidgence is incompatible with grace and cleanliness at a dinner party. Asparagus, however, is essentially a dinner delicacy and is highly esteemed. It may be comfortably eaten with knife and fork, but by a dispensation of Mrs. Grundy's, one is allowed to lift the woody end of the boiled stalk in one's fingers, to dip the head in the sauce on one's plate, and lift the edible portion to the lips. Even when most deftly accomplished, this is not a dainty sight, but in its achievement the head must not be flung back, that the succulent tip may be received from aloft in the opened mouth. 222 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Artichoke leaves are pulled from the heart, one or two at a time ; the fleshy ends are dipped in sauce and passed between the teeth. The heart must be eaten with fork and knife. After enjoying one of these hot dishes, the dampened and slightly greased finger-tips may be cleansed only on one's napkin — ^finger-bowls are not offered. Meat, bird, and chicken bones may, in no circum- stances, be taken up in the fingers, or is it proper to take up potato chips or straws save with one's fork. Lobster claws, however, may be pulled apart with the fingers, and shrimps served whole in their shells must be separated and peeled with the fingers. One's finger- privilege does not extend, though, to lettuce leaves or to any but certain of the hard cheeses. Soft, rich, and such crumbling cheese as Stilton, Camembert, Roque- fort, Brie, Canadian Club, etc., are eaten with a fork, or pieces are cut and transferred on the knife blade to a bit of bread, and so Hfted to the mouth. It is essentially impolite to put the fingers into a dish of lump sugar whether tongs are provided or not. When tongs are wanting, sugar shotdd be transferred from its dish to one's cup or glass by means of an avail- able clean spoon. Let it also be most clearly under- stood that there is no palliation for the error of feeling with the fingers several fruits in a dish before selecting an orange or an apple. The proper mode of helping oneself to salt is by the aid, of course, of a salt-spoon. When this is wanting, the tip of one's knife, fork, or spoon ^ that has already seen service must not pepper ■' be put iato the salt-ceUar. An inexcus- able act is that of putting one's thumb and forefinger TKe Graceful Knife and ForK 223 into any salt-cellar, whether it is meant for individual or general service, and helping oneself to a pinch. If the tiny salt-spoon is lacking, then a helping may be taken up on the tip of a clean spoon or clean knife blade and deposited on the side of one's plate or directly on the savorless food. It is an evidence of a want of training to deposit a helping of salt on the table-cloth and then from this to take up pinches in one's fingers for sprinkling over meat or vegetables. It is equally awkward to take a large helping of salt on one's knife blade and distribute it by playing a tattoo on the steel with one or two fingers. A small amount of salt on the knife's tip or whatever wiU adhere to the moist ends of one's fork prongs should, by a single and simple motion, be conveyed to the flavorless helping. When a pepper- cruet or salt-shaker is supplied at table and the pow- dered condiment fails to flow readily, it is a fault to bang the crystal or china vessel on the table, to shake up its contents, strike the bottom, or violently with the hand to knock out some of the powder. Catsups and bottled sauces may be shaken, but not like medicinal draughts, before an allowance is poured on food, and when seasoning is added to one's portion it is not good form to stir the contents of one's plate round and round with unnecessary vigor. Let us make haste to write it down that salads of green leaves must not be shredded upon one's plate. If it is impossible to eat lettuce by folding ~ x-i ■ J 1 J? -ii > J- 1 • . Difficult foods upthe pieces of leaf with one s fork mto suitable mouthfuls, and if mustard-and-cress presents a hopeless tangle of strings unless chopped finely, then the pleasure of indulgence in their freshness had best be abjured, for at a formal dinner no sight is more dis- '224 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e tressing to well-bred persons than that of a guest who insists, knife in hand, on reducing his salad to a mince. In careful and conventional society, a leaf-salad is eaten with a fork in the right hand only, and assistance in folding up lettuce leaves is often rendered by a bit of bread held in the left hand. Lettuce leaves may be cut in halves or quarters with the edge of one's fork, each bit is folded by a dexterous movement into a mouthful, and thus Efted on the fork to the Hps. Cress, chicory, romaine, etc., may be, in the same way, quickly and easily prepared for passage to the mouth. Such vegetables as tomatoes, beets, and cuctunbers should be cut with the side of the fork if in too large slices to be eaten whole. A snule, sometimes of compassion, is raised by the heedless diner who drops bits of bread into his salad dressing, pushes these about his salad- plate tin they have absorbed the savory sauce, and then lifts them to his mouth. There are many titbits at table that one must forego through sheer inability to eat them with either daintiness or dignity. Soft- or hard-boiled eggs when served in the shell may not, in polite society, be emptied from their shells into a cup or glass and stirred up with butter, etc. They must be eaten from the shell direct while held in the individual egg-cup. To do this nicely, the top of the shell may be cut off neatly with a knife blade, and in small mouthfuls, taken out in a tiny egg-spoon, the contents scooped from the natural cup. If strange delicacies are taken on one's plate and prove unattractive to one's palate, it is not right, when a guest at a friend's table, to push the helping aside with a look of disgust or dismay. In the chapter on' dinners, pages 204, and 205, we have indicated how many trjdng circumstances may be gracefiilly con- TKe Graceful Knife and ForK 225 fronted. Here, with more particularity, we may add that a dish rendered uninviting by its preparation with onion, vinegar, or nutmeg, must, at a friend's table, be accepted. A helping from it may be trifled with and then allowed to pass. A hostess has, of course, no right to demand a guest's reasons for not eating her food unless the meal is informal and the guest a most intimate friend, and unless she has also the kindly in- tention of offering a substitute for the ignored dish. Shoiold a guest, however, be forced by a tactless enter- tainer to give a reason for refraining from a dish of eels, or from overripe fruit, or a vegetable to which a posi- tive antipathy is felt, the moment is not propitious for uncompromising frankness. Especially at a formal dinner it is not polite to say that the meat is too strong or that one detests the very sight of eels; therefore, a resort must be made to polite evasion of a positive expression of feeling, saying, for example : " Your soup was so nice that I have already been tempted almost beyond my capacity " — or "I am really obliged to practise abstinence in some of the courses if I am to do justice to other temptations to follow." Only on most informal occasions, and to a host who is a tried and true friend, is it possible to intimate that the soup is cold, the fish too salt, or the meat too tough for consumption. In the event of so sad an accident as that of inadvertently taking spoiled food on the tongue, health and decency require that the mouthful be immediately rejected — ^neither etiquette nor heroism exact so great a sacrifice as that of swallowing anything that offers a real danger. The objectionable mouthful should be ejected onto a fork or into a spoon held close to the lips and placed somewhere under other food on 226 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e the plate. If something merely too hot, too cold, or too strongly seasoned for individual taste be taken into the mouth, it should be bravely swallowed. After an unlucky initial experiment, the remainder of the helping may be ignored. Those are tmlucky individuals, indeed, who, for any reason, have fallen into the habit of reaching and straining across the table at arm's length Unpardonable f^^. ^j^-^ ^^ ^^^^ ^^^ ^j^^^ individual table habits ■, -r r i ■ ■, i knife or fork into the butter- or pickle- dish ; who use their fork as a spear for securing a potato from a dish or a slice of bread from a tray ; who drop bits of chicken bones, fruit seeds and skins direct from their mouth into their plate, and who sit talking with knife and fork gripped in either fist and held upright. It is nothing but a habit, and an ugly one, to snap the fingers at a restaurant table to attract a waiter ; to run one's napkin over a plate set before one at a private table, and at a dinner party where servants are abun- dantly suppHed, to help oneself to wine \minvited. A woman must wait for a servant or a masculine guest to fill and refill her glass, and at an ordinary meal, a guest waits for the host or hostess to suggest the replenishing of a wineglass. To attempt to smoke at any meal, without being cordially invited by one's entertainers to do so, is little short of a social crime in a guest of either sex. A guest must not presume to rise from table tiU the hostess or host of the occasion makes the first motion toward desertion of the scene of the ^jjjg repast. Gentlemen dining or supping with ladies wait for their feminine com- TKe Graceful Rnife and Fork 227 paxiions to rise first. Younger women show a pretty deference in following the example set by the elders of their sex. An exception to these rules is always made in favor of any member of a party at table who is obliged to retire before, or immediately upon, the con- clusion of a meal. In rising to depart, a guest usually goes to the hostess and politely says: " Will you excuse me ? " — or "I am very sorry but, with your permission, I must hurry off." A guest of either sex goes forward to shake hands with the hostess and host, and to avoid making a round of the table for farewells, bows to the rest of the company before turning away. Previous to leaving a meal of any formality whatso- ever, it is not considered nice to "clean up" one's place, that is, to brush up and restore to one's plate one's breadcrumbs, gather up crusts, fruit-skins, nut- shells, etc., on the cloth, and rising to shake oneself free of any particles of food. Before getting on one's feet, with the aid of one's table napkin and unseen by the rest of the company, any crumbs in one's lap may be scattered to the floor; all the small debris of the last two or three courses may be left on the table as they have fallen. In a mixed party at table, the men wait always for the ladies to precede them from the dining- room. At a formal meal, a guest is not required to put his chair back precisely in place on leaving a dining table. CHAPTER SEVEN BALLS AND DANCES A HOSTESS should always contrive, when issuing invitations to an entertainment whereat dancing is to be the chief feature, to indicate the A significaat , , , . , . . distinction character and the extent of the function without the use of the word "ball." This term signifies a festivity of formal and extensive proportions — ^an affair to which many persons are asked a fortnight to four weeks in advance of the, settled date. A dance, on the other hand, is a less formal and elaborate proffer of hospitality: its supper requires a simple menu, and it does not continue so far into the morning hotu-s as a ball. A dance may be impromptu, accompanied with piano music only, and a service of a few hot and cold delicacies, offered from a sideboard to guests standing or sitting where they please. A ball, on the other hand, requires a number of capable musi- cians and buffet refreshments of varied and rich quality ; or a set supper, whereat the guests are formally served at numerous small tables. A hostess shotild bear all these points of difference in mind when ordering her invitations engraved, or when writing them out by hand. When a ball is in process of preparation, the fashion- able hostess who purposes to introduce a daughter, 228 Balls and Dances 229 niece, or son to society by this means or who wishes to give an independent entertainment o^ « j rather special and splendid character, invitations has her invitations engraved for the occa- sion in any of the following forms, on large white cards: Mr. and Mrs. John J. Blanke request the pleasure of your company on Monday evening, January the eleventh at ten 0^ clock. Dancing. I Elm Terrace R. S. V. P. Mrs. John J. Blanke Miss Blanke at home Monday evening, January the eleventh at ten o'clock. Dancing Cotillon after 12 o'clock i Elm Terrace R. S. V. P. Mr. and Mrs. John J. Blanke request the pleasure of your company at a reception given at the Old Dominion Hotel in honor of their daughter Miss Mary Elizabeth Blanke on Monday, January the eleventh at ten o'clock. Dancing R. S. V. P. to I Elm Terrace. The last of the three forms wotdd be most suitable 230 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage for a debutante ball, while, for a son's coming of age, the large card woiild show the year of his birth in the upper left-hand comer with that of his attainment of majority in the upper right-hand comer. In place of the lines reading "in honor of their daughter, " etc., the inscription would run thus: "in honor of the coming of age of their son, John J. Blanke, Jr. " When a stately ball is to be given in behalf of a house guest or special friends of the host and hostess, invita- tions, cast in the first form, are engraved on amply large cards and, then, with every card is enclosed a smaller one, bearing the engraved words : To meet Miss Eloise Brown, or Mr. and Mrs. Donald T. Brown. " These words, signifying that there is a guest or guests of honor, may quite as properly be written or engraved on the large card itself near the lower left- or right-hand comer. If a hostess purposes to give a cotillon, or costtmie baU, she may have her cards engraved according to the first model, substituting the word "cotillon" for "danc- ing, " over the letters R. S. V. P. She may signify her wish that her guests assume fancy costume by the words "Bal Poudre: Costumes of the Fifteenth Century" or "Fancy dress" or " Costume of Shakespearian char- acters.^^ Here let it be understood that all these forms are equally suitable for a ball to which guests are bidden by means of written missives. Such invitations, when produced by hand, must be expressed on the first page of handsome address-stamped note-paper. When two ladies combine their financial and social forces for the giving of a ball in public rooms, they may express their hospitable wishes in this fashion : Balls and Dances 231 Mrs. John J. Blanke and Mrs. Thomas B. Brown at home on Monday, January the eleventh at ten o'clock ai the Old Dominion Assembly Rooms. Dancing Cotillon after supper R. S. V. P. If both these ladies are introducing daughters, they have the debutantes' names inscribed under their own and immediately above the words "at home." Mrs Blanke and Mrs. Brown, in sending out such invitations, divide the Ust of friends to be asked, and to those Mrs. Blanke sends invitations she encloses her visiting-card, implying that repHes are to be sent to her at her home address. Mrs. Brown observes the same method in posting her share of the invitations. A warning may here be issued against ball invitations offered in the name of a married couple and announcing the pair as at home. When women's names only appear on cards should this form be employed. A gentleman and his wife invariably "request the pleasure" of a guest's company. A ball invitation, whether engraved or written, is enclosed in but one envelope, sealed, and stamped, and the address thereon must never indicate that the missive is intended for Mr. and Mrs. Jones and family. Only a husband and wife, or sisters, may share one invitation. An invitation addressed to The Misses Jones may include all the young ladies of that fam- ily who are socially launched. Brothers, or a father and son, may not be invited by one card addressed to The Messrs. Jones, but by means of separate cards. 232 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e When a number of hostesses and their friends com- bine forces, social and financial, to hold Cards for ^ series of balls at a hotel, or in a restau- nubu7*ba]^ ™ rant's assembly rooms, the committee up- on invitations prepare a goodly number of cards of ample size engraved in this way: The pleasure of company is requested hy The Cotillon Club at the Old Dominion Hotel on Monday, January the eleventh after ten o'clock. R. S. V. P. to Mrs. John Blanke, at 1 Kim Terrace. On the reverse of such a card, the list of patronesses may appear. Or the invitation may be engraved on fine white note-sheets, and the second page then dis- plays the list of patronesses. Instead of leaving a space for the name of the person invited to be added by the secretary's hand, a less irksome way is to express the invitation thus : The Cotillon Club request the pleasure of your company, etc. In order to insure the privacy of subscription balls, it is not unusual, in an added Hne at the foot of the big card or note-sheet, to request that the invitation be presented at the door. Another means of guaranteeing the security of the assemblage against intruders is that of preparing printed or engraved vouchers to be issued Balls and Dances 233 with every invitation. The vouchers are small cards of this type: The Cotillon Club Lady's Voucher Admit M . on Monday, January the eleventh Compliments of M The member of the Cotillon Club who invites a friend to one of the meetings fills out the voucher with the name of guest and subscriber, and then sends the large card, the voucher, and her own personal card to the individual whose attendance is desired. When a masculine subscriber sends a lady an invitation to a club ball, assembly, bachelor, or exclusive hunt ball, he does not fail to write a note asking the lady's accept- ance of the invitation and encloses it with the engraved documents. For pubHc balls, given for charitable or other pur- poses, the secretary or invitation committee usually prepare impressive requests for the appearance of those upon the lists of invited. The following form may be used: The honor of your company is requested by the members of the Civic Society at Radnor's Assembly Rooms on Monday, January the eleventh at nine o'clock. The Grand March begins at nine-thirty Dancing at 10 o'clock R. S. V. P. to The Secretary, I Henry Street. 234 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e On the reverse of such a card, a list of the chief oflScers of the club and the lady patronesses properly appear. For a pubUc ball whereat admission is gained by paid ticket, elaborate invitations are rarely sent out in costly engraved form, save to persons of distinction, to whom admission tickets, stamped as complimentary, are enclosed. For the general public, the ball is adver- tised in the papers or printed notices are distributed, annotmcing where and when the ball is to be held, and stating the price of the tickets and the addresses at which they may be purchased. Many hostesses, desiring not only to avoid expense and trouble, but to signify as well the semi-simphcity of the entertainment proposed, issue ^jmpgg invitations to dances on their calling- cards. For this purpose it is only neces- sary to write below the engraved name the phrases: At home, Monday, January the eleventh. Dancing at ten o'clock. Sometimes Mrs. Blanke, who keeps by her a num- ber of joint cards shared with her husband, writes beneath the names of Mr. and Mrs. John J. Blanke these instructions: Dancing at ten-thirty. January the eleventh. R. S. V. P. — or Dancing from ten to two. January the eleventh. R. S. V. P. If she uses a joint card shared with her daughter, she may employ the phrase "at home,'' to premise the statements concerning the date and the dancing. Another way of gathering a number of friends for a small-and-early entertainment, with dancing, is to give a diimer party for which invitations may be issued in any of the forms recommended on page 159. Below Balls and Dances 235 the bidding to dinner, in the left-hand comer, the phrase. Dancing at eleven, may be written or engraved. This apprises the dinner guests of the entertainment to follow on the conclusion of the feast, while to some scores more of friends, not asked to dine first, the calling-card type of invitation is posted in sealed envelopes. A stiU simpler and perhaps more expHcit way of collectuig a dancing company is that of writing short notes of invitation, in which the hospitaUty may be offered thus: My dear Miss R. : We are entertaining the Terpsichore Club on Monday evening, January the eighth, from ten to two o'clock and would be so pleased to have you as our guest for that occasion. Dancing begins very promptly at ten-thirty, so pray come early. Believe me, yours most sincerely, Ellen Blanke. My dear Mr. T. : My daughter's birthday falls on the Thursday of next week, the twelfth. In honor of the occasion I am asking a few of her young friends to a dance from nine-thirty till after midnight. Will you not join us? And if your cousin is still with you and free for the evening, pray tell him I shall be delighted to see him also. Cordially, Ellen Blanke. Perhaps the most important first step a hostess takes relates to the business of collecting a nicely balanced percentage of masculine and feminine dancers. The giver of a ball is well the^^^ts advised who issues almost twice as many 236 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e cards to men as to women. This is done, not to guar- antee a surplus of black coats, but to insure that there shall be a sufficiency of dancing partners for the women who are sure to accept. A hostess who purposes to give a ball, without claiming a long list of acquain- tances, is privileged to appeal to both her men and women friends for their lists of young people who belong to what is called "the dancing set. " To these she may send her invitations, enclosing with each one the calling-card of the mutual friend by whose good offices an introduction between hostess and stranger is thus secured. A hostess adopting this course may wisely ask those who gave her lists and lent their aid in collecting the company to assist her in receiving. A lady who is not herself very active in society, who is a rather recent arrival in a neighborhood, or who is ambitious socially, follows this perfectly justi- fied course for filling her ballroom for a debutante daughter, for the entertainment of a house guest, or for her own pleasure. For a dance, which is at once more intimate and less formal than a big ball, hostesses prefer to choose their guests from among their personal friends. Frequently enough, ladies who give balls and dances are asked to extend invitations to friends of their friends. This request, a hostess may or may not grant, as there is often no obligation to bestow the favor. For a small dance, when her acceptances have been many and her rooms are small, a hostess does well to refuse to overfill her house. But when she complies, she may either give the invitation to the person who asked for it, that it may be forwarded with the peti- tioner's card to the stranger, or it may be sent by the hostess. She must ask for the intermediary's card and Balls and Dances 237 forward it under the same cover with her engraved bidding. If a grand ball is to be given, the hostess's duty, when inviting a d6butante, is to send a card to the mother of the young lady. In fashionable society, all youthful femininity is supposed to claim the privi- lege of chaperonage, and these duennas must be duly recognized. Chaperons are not invariably asked to dances, especi- ally if a young lady who is invited has been out for several seasons, if she has a sister near her own age who is also invited, or if her mother is a quiet person who goes about very little in society and does little or no entertaining herself. Matrons of all ages, how- ever, who have extended many ball and dinner cards to Mrs. A. must be asked in turn by Mrs. A. when she gives a ball. If Mrs. A. has been invited in the name of Mr. and Mrs. B. to their house on the occasion of a great evening festivity, she reciprocates by forwarding her ball invitations to Mr. and Mrs. B., even though they may not dance and may be elderly. A dance which is primarily an occasion for the diversion of the young and agile does not carry with it this inclusive obh'gation. Many a sensible hostess, whose house is small and whose means or inclinations do not allow of a ball given in spacious public rooms, holds, instead, two or three dances during a season, and thus, without crowding and without great expense, manages to enter- tain aU her young friends. Perhaps the first essential in ball giving is space. Therefore, hostesses, nowadays, entertain very fre- quently in hotel or restaurant assembly- rooms which are equipped and decorated ^^ ° with every comfort and beauty requisite 338 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e for the pleasure of a large and gay company. The baUroom itself must be of a size to permit dancing in agreeable conditions; the ventilation should be good, and the lighting considered with a view to showing off the women's gowns and avoiding undue heat and glare. When a ball is given in a private house, the rooms in which dancing is to be enjoyed must have smooth floors, waxed preferably, and rows of chairs, one or two lines deep, may run along the four sides or on two sides only. For a ball, a hostess does well to have her car- pets up in the ballroom, and the floor especially treated for the occasion. For a dance, it may be necessary only to draw a drugget tightly over the carpet. In a private house, one of the reception-rooms should be set apart for those non-dancers who divert themselves with talk. Sometimes, when a fine large haU is a fea- ture of a house, it fulfills the ptirpose as a land of draw- ing-room and a retreat for the weary, for chaperons, etc. Another chamber, conveniently located, is essential as a cloak-room for men, while a third must be given up to the convenience of the women guests. Usually, two bedrooms are set aside for this service. One servant, at least, must be on duty aU the time in each of these rooms. By the use of numbered sHps of paper, the guests' belongings should be checked and hving or laid in order. In the ladies' cloak-room, the maid-in-wait- ing must be able to take a helpful stitch, provide pins, hairpins, powder, salts, cologne, hot water, and a tray with fresh aerated water at the instant of need. For the men, needed toilet-table articles should be laid out, and cigarettes and cigars are provided by thoughtfrol hosts. In some houses, the masculine guests are given the use of a smoking-room, but the cloak- room may be used for this purpose. When pubUc Balls and Dances 239 rooms are hired for the occasion of a baU, all these essentials must be provided, but no host or hostess is reqtdred to add stimulating liquids to the other luxuries of the gentlemen's coat-room. For a dance, the above- mentioned comforts may be in readiness for the guests unless the entertainment is very, very slight and informal. For a fashionable ball or dance in town, whatever the weather may be, an awning is erected before the door and a carpet laid beneath it. Floral decorations add to the beauty of the ^®" . •' requisites rooms, but are not essential, while the dance-music is most adequately supplied by a full stringed orchestra. This may be placed near, but preferably not inside, the ballroom, unless a gallery is one of its agreeable features. There are satisfactory substitutes for the stringed instruments and also less costly ones, but a hostess must see to it that, from whatever source her music is drawn, her musicians keep time and offer a good and up-to-date programme. For very splendid functions of this nature, two sets of musicians are sometimes pro- vided — one to discourse the dance-music, while the other, stationed in the supper-room, offers a special programme for the entertainment of the feasters. Pro- grammes of the dances are best piled in baskets in the dressing-rooms that the guests may serve themselves. With the aid of some competent young lady or gentle- man who can rightly gauge the taste of her friends in the matter of the dances, the programmes may be arranged and printed by the stationer who prepares the invitations. Or a local stationer, who is well abreast of society preferences in these matters, may keep on 240 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e sale in his shop the fancy printed cards suitable to the current season. For a small and informal dance, it is not absolutely essential to provide programmes. In the event of a big baU, the supper may be a con- tinuous feast: that is, the doors of the dining-room may be opened at ten, the guests coming and going at will. There are hostesses who prefer to have supper announced at midnight. Then the host immediately leads the way to the dining- room, with the dowager of greatest importance on his arm. From midnight on, the hot and cold dishes are supplied tm the end of the entertainment. This meal may be served from long buffet tables by an adequate corps of men or maids, or more luxuriously still, numer- ous little tables may be provided at which the guests receive almost as formal and fioU a service as at a dinner. For every such table a menu card is usually provided, and those who care to may begin with soup and end with fresh fruit, having discussed between- wlules fish, game, salads, asparagus, sweetbreads, mush- rooms, terrapin, hot and cold sweets, savories, etc., and washed these viands down with champagne, hock, a red wine, and liqueurs. Some generous, and needless to say wealthy, hostesses go even a step farther and serve both a btiffet and formal supper, meeting in this manner the tastes at once of those who wish to sup Hghtly and at will, and those who have a preference for a complete and conventional midnight supper. In the majority of cases, though, the btiffet supper takes precedence. It is easier to serve and far less costly and formal than the course meal. In the supper-room a long table, covered with white damask, is decorated with flowers, fruit, candelabra, decanters, and tempting dishes of cold Balls and Dances 241 meats in aspic, fruit jellies, molded creams, platters of pastries, magnificent iced loaf-cakes, trays of olives, nuts, crisp celery, bowls of rich salads, and baskets of delicate rolls. On this table or on a smaller one, piles of plates and napkins, and an abundance of fresh silver must needs be arranged. With the aid of a few ser- vants, seconded by their own efforts, the guests may then be supplied with all they desire, while, from a pantry beyond, other servants should bring trays of hot bouillon in cups, pate-shells filled with minced meat or oysters, hot chocolate, and coffee. At a dance, on a less extensive scale, supper is usually served in this fashion. An abundance of small, light chairs, obtained frora the caterer and disposed about the dining-room, add enormously to comfort, and guests must needs be allowed to foUow their own sweet will and eat in the hall or drawing-rooms. At every dance entertainment, in addition to the supper, it is important to provide a convenient depot, at some spot not too far from the ballroom, for the con- stant supply of refreshing hot and cold drinks. Ptmch, lemonade, iced aerated waters, champagne, hot coffee, and iced tea, are among the popular Uquids. But at least one hot and one cold drink should be ready on demand from the beginning to the end of the evening. A large and fashionable private ball requires the service of a number of men and women in livery. One man is usually stationed at the pave- ment's edge, under the awning, to open ^^^h^ the doors of vehicles and give carriage checks. Another man, in outdoor livery, guards the house door, to open it for arriving guests ; a third man, just inside the hall, directs the guests to their cloak- 16 242 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e rooms, while a foiorth man, just outside the ballroom door, announces the guests to the hostess. A servant is reqioisite in each dressing-room. In the supper-room, two men and two maids may minister to the needs of a hundred and fifty guests, since aU do not sup simultaneously, and the masctdine guests usually satisfy many of the needs of their femi- nine friends. For a long formal supper, served to seated guests, one servant to every table is the rule, when a table takes at least six persons. If a smoking-room and a card-room are among the Itixtuies of the modem great house, a servant is usually in attendance in each one. Less pretentious dances are given comfortably with the assistance of one man out- side the house and a butler in the haU dining the early part of the evening. After the majority of the guests have arrived, the butler takes his place in the dining- room and, assisted by one or two clever maids, sees that everyone is comfortably supplied with the dainties from the table. The lady who gives a ball must greet aU her guests ceremoniously. She, therefore, takes her place in good time in the centre, or near the main door, a hostess °^ ^^^ baUroom and HteraUy receives her friends. Her husband may stand beside her, or this place may be taken by a debutante daughter, a son, or one or more women friends. As the guests' names are annotmced, the hostess offers her hand with smtable words of welcome. The musicians add, with pleasant airs, to the gaiety of the atmosphere, but not until the majority of her guests have appeared does the mistress of the house permanently desert her position. After the first half or three-quarters of an hoiir she may Balls and Dances 243 dance, always coming back to her post of duty. A middle-aged hostess, who is giving a large ball, usually keeps her point of vantage till midnight. After that, late comers may be expected to look her up as she must be among the first to go in to supper. At a debutante baU, the young lady of most impor- tance on the scene comes back after every dance to her mother's side and forbears to dance when the stream of arrivals is constant. Her duty is to echo her mother's greetings, accept introductions to persons she has not hitherto met, and give her thanks to the friends who have sent flowers or offer her kindly good wishes on her appearance in society. At a debutante ball, a young lady is privileged to ask several young friends to stand and receive with her. After the first half -hour, these pretty assistants must not be held to their post of duty. A hostess, whether quite young or middle aged, debu- tante or matron, must needs devote the greatest thought and observation to insuring, as far as in her efforts may lie, the comfort and pleasure of her guests. She should always try to avail herself of the kind assistance of a few amiable young men who will help to promote the enjoyment of shy girls, or fair strangers who know few persons or have not the charm or confidence to make their own success. For these, by dint of a little unsel- fish maneuvering, a hostess can always manage to secure some dances, and her care must be to see that they are taken out to supper. Diffident and awkward young men should also engage her good offices, for balls are sometimes as formidable and dull affairs for neglected and helpless youths as for wallflower maidens. The hostess who dances with them herself, and sees that they are presented to agreeable partners, earns their unspoken gratitude and does nothing more than her 244 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e bounden duty. A maiden hostess must second all her mother's efforts by making many introductions, asking her men friends to dance with shy strangers, and sacri- ficing herself to tread a measure with a clumsy but very- well-meaning mascuKne dancer. A hostess at all times should be accessible to her guests: that is, if she is a whist-loving matron, she has no right to retire to the card-room, or, if she is a gay girl, to isolate herself behind palms for a quiet chat with some congenial soul. She is required to note that nobody is ignored, that the chaperons are taken in to supper, that strangers are not isolated, and that arriving guests are welcomed. Very often a matron-hostess compliments some elderly mas- culine guest by requesting him to take her in to supper. No hostess need expect that every guest will seek her out before leaving and express thanks for the entertainment received. Whether a host is the husband, son, brother, or father of the hostess, his duties remain the same. His most obvious and important care is for jjgg^ the furtherance of the guests' pleasure, and he may help to receive, standing beside the hostess. This is not essential, though, unless a husband is supporting his wife at her first big ball ; unless a son is celebrating his coming of age, or a housewarming is the occasion of the festivity. The most important assistances a host renders are in seeing that the masctdine guests are adequately served in their dressing-room, in devoting some good-natured efforts to the entertainment of partnerless ladies, in taking chaperons in to supper, and in introducing shy young men to pleasant girls. A youthful bachelor-host must not devote himself to his special women friends among Balls and Dances 245 the guests, but try to fill his dance order with as wide a variety of names as possible and keep an eye to the introduction of his masculine guests wherever such help may be advantageous. Hostesses appreciate the promptest of replies to their invitations. A grace of from three to five days may be allowed before responding to a bidding . . , „ 1. 11 A 1 • ^11-^ Answering ball to a ball. A reply is most obhgatory invitations when the card or note-she^t asks for it by means of the R. S. V. P., or when the hostess an- nounces a cotillon. Invitations are answered in the terms in which they are issued. Thus, to a formal engraved or written request for one's company, the response wotold take this form : Mr. and Mrs. Edward A. Sloan accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. John J. Blanke for Monday evening, January the eleventh at ten o'clock. 40 York Place or Miss Mary B. Sloan regrets exceedingly that her absence from town renders her unable to accept the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. John J. Blanke for Monday evening, January the eleventh at ten o'clock. 40 York Place Either of the above replies would be written on the 246 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e first page of a double note-sheet, sealed, and addressed to Mrs. John J. Blanke. In the same terms, an invitation to a dance on a calling-card should be answered. When two ladies cooperate to give a ball, a reply to their invitation should be sent to the name and address of that lady best known to the person invited, or whose personal card is enclosed with the invitation. Notes of invita- tion are answered by notes of acceptance or regret addressed to the hostess. To an assembly ball, a regret or acceptance is forwarded to the person respon- sible for the forwarding of the invitation. Even when the card of bidding expressly states that repHes are to be forwarded to a secretary, a note of thanks must needs be despatched as well to the person instrumental in proctiring the invitation. If, through the good offices of a friend, a person receives an invitation to a ball at the house of a lady who is a stranger to the recipient, the answer to the kind bidding is sent in due form to the unknown hostess. In addition, it is courteous to send a note to the person whose card was enclosed with the invitation, thanking him or her for the good offices, and expressing regret or pleastire at having refused or accepted the proffered hospitality. Only a fairly intimate friend of a hostess has the right to ask for an invitation to her ball : then, of course, the request must be preferred in behalf equestmg a ^^ some one whom the hostess does not ball invitation . know; who is young, agreeable, and a dancer. A hostess cannot be expected to look kindly on a proposal to add the name of some non-dancing and perhaps elderly person to her list; and no offense Balls and Dances 247 should be taken at her excuses for refraining to invite an outsider. There may be many reasons of space and economy to dictate her refusal. It is permissible to ask one's hostess to invite one's house guest to her ball, or one's relative, providing these have not made her acquaintance. Balls do not reqioire prompt attendance. To appear before midnight is early enough when an evening at the theatre or opera has occupied the first part of the night. Most fashionable balls are in pro- cess of formation only by eleven, and the guest who arrives half an hour earlier is sure to be among the first on the floor. A dance announced for ten o'clock may commence its business of pleasure a half to three-quar- ters of an hour later; while in the country, where early and informal entertainments are given, a prompt arrival is appreciated by the hostess. On laying aside her wraps and rejoining her escort in the hallway, a woman of any age precedes her mascu- line companion on entering a ballroom. A daughter follows her mother, but women guests precedes her father; a young lady, chap- eroned by a .matron friend, gives her companion precedence. Unless arriving very late, and after sup- per, when the hostess is no longer at her post of duty by the door, it is essential to look for and greet this lady as soon as possible. If several ladies are receiving with the hostess, the guest may or may not be immedi- ately introduced to them. If this ceremony is dis- regarded by the hostess, then the guest merely bows on passing the group beside the giver of the ball. A guest may expect the host to be presented if he assists his wife in receiving. A guest may also look for an intro- duction to a debutante daughter. After accepting a 248 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e hostess's greeting, a yoting lady, whose obvious desire is to dance, must needs at first rely upon her own social powers and the aid of her escort or her chaperon to find sufficient and proper partners. When a young lady is asked for a dance, she must, tmless previously engaged, accept the invitation with an air of gratification. Offer- ing her order in reply to the request, it is enough for her to say : " Yes, indeed, you may have a dance,'" — or " With great pleasure, " — or "I should like to very much. " In the first part of the evening, when dance orders are being fiUed, it is customary for young men to ask for dances, put their name down, and then beg to be excused on the plea of immediate engagements else- where. An active young man, engaged for every number, may also ask to be excused immediately after a dance and a turn about a baUroom. Then the woman guest should request to be taken back to her seat beside her chaperon, if she claims the companion- ship of one. To say "Please take me back to Mrs. Blanke," — or "/ have promised to go and sit beside Mrs. A." is a reasonable form of dismissal when a young lady feels that a gentleman is eager to be off, or when she desires to escape from his uncongenial society. Young ladies do not stray about a ballroom alone, or go in to supper alone, and they should not sit isolated from the comforting society of women friends when their companionship is not requested by members of the opposite sex. If, after a dance is over, the lady's partner proposes to walk about, seek a glass of cooHng liquid, look for a seat in the hall or reception-rooms, or retreat to the supper-room, it is conventional to accept Balls and Dances 249 the suggestion, unless the interval between the dance or the visit to the supper-room has been promised to some one else. In that event, the lady must return to her chaperon's side or remain in evidence until her company is claimed. On parting from her most recent companion, a woman should smilingly say : "Au revoir, that two-step was very nice, " or in some short phrase express enjoyment in the dance just concluded. There is a kind of pretty appreciation for the gentleman's attention always to be signified, without any use of bald words of thanks, when the lady dances for the first time with a newly- made acquaintance, when she is a young matron and dances with a very yotmg and shy partner, or when she is a youthful maiden and has been led out on the floor by a very mature host or middle-aged friend, whose attention is somewhat of the nature of a kind condescen- sion. It is the woman's privilege to break a dancing- engagement only when she can plead an obviously good excuse. To fail to give a promised dance to Mr. A. and then go round the room on the arm of Mr. B. is an exhibition of quite brutal rudeness. If, when Mr. A. comes to claim his dance, a fair explanation for not ful- filling it can be offered, the young lady in question must express her regret and ask to be released. She may gracefully and easily enough ask if Mr. A. would not like to dance with somebody else. On his refusal to do so, she must then permit him to sit the dance out beside her, if he seems inclined to foUow this course. It is an indefensible rudeness to try to escape from such an engagement by pretending to have forgotten it, or to sit in concealment tiU the dance is half over. On the other hand, the woman whose partner is slow in putting 250 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e in his appearance to claim her hand for a promised dance has every right to expect that he will offer apologies and explanations for his tardiness. If, when the supper is being served, no masculine escort is at hand, a young woman guest must follow her chaperon, or some feminine friend older than herself, to the dining-room, and permit the servants to provide her with food. At supper, a young lady never serves herself to any- thing, leaving this duty entirely to her masculine com- panion or to the servants. " / am so sorry, but I have not one dance to spare, " — or "Thank you, hut I am going to rest through this number" are stif&cient explanations to offer in refusal of an invitation to dance. Refusals, however, are seldom given to a host or son of the house unless the lady of whom he makes the requests can show a full dance card. When a woman attends a baU under the escort of a masculine relative or a friend of either sex, she may decide beforehand upon the hour of her probable depart- ure, and by such an understanding avoid future compli- cations, as it is hardly kind for a lady to force her escort to break his engagements for dances with others of her sex in order to see her home. However, the first movement towards retiring must be always made by a man's feminine companion. Upon the occasion of a large baU, it is not essential to hunt out a busy hostess to take most formal leave of „ , . , her. Guests disappear when and how Taking leave .^^ ... they choose, but if the hostess is m evi- dence and unsurrounded, it is courteous to wish her good-night, adding: Balls and Dances 251 "It has been a charming affair, Mrs. A., " — or "/ am sorry to say good-night, Mrs. A., for this has been a most delightful evening. " There is no necessity after this for saying more than good-night to the host if he is encountered on the way out, tmless he is a friend of long standing or has put himself to considerable pains to add to his guests' pleasure. In the dressmg-room, on departure, the maid m attendance is usually tipped if the ball is given in hotel rooms. In a private house, many guests follow the same rule, but the tip would hardly be expected unless the maid has taken needed stitches or otherwise rendered important assistance. A young lady attend- ing a ball with her mother may expect her chaperon to offer the tip, and no gratuities are offered to a man- servant tmless he renders very special services. If a gentleman serves as a lady's escort at a ball or dance, he must needs join her in the hallway, after putting off his hat and coat, before enter- ing the ballroom or greeting his hostess. ^^^f. . masculine Following his feminine companion, he guests makes his bow to hostess or hostesses and, if the lady whom he accompanies is young and fond of dancing, he puts his name down on her order. Should his companion not claim many acquaintances in the ballroom, or shotdd she be very young and untried in the ways of big social affairs, his duty is obviously to help to find her partners for dances, and not bring up and introduce young men who are already fully engaged or notoriously too lazy or fastidious to wish to please any but the most fair and fascinating feminine guests. After the evening is well begun, an escort must try to 252 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage discover if his charge is provided with a supper partner. If she is not, then his plain duty is to take her into the dining-room himself. On his feminine companion's signifying her desire to leave, a gentleman must needs accompany her without demur, unless she is under the care also of a chaperon and explains that, by her departure, she has no wish to disarrange his future pleasures of the evening. To accept a feminine com- panion's invitation to remain and enjoy aU his dances is, for the escort, quite permissible when she or her chaperon is the mistress of her own conveyance. But this course cannot be taken when the escort has volun- teered to see the lady to and from the ball at his own expense, or when she must seek her home at some dis- tance and in a public conveyance. In these circum- stances the escort is obliged to explain his reasons for an abrupt departure to all those with whom he has made engagements, and then retire with the best grace possible to see the lady safely to her own door. Unless a relative or fiance of the lady he accompanies to a ball, the gentleman who acts as an escort has no right to signify and insist upon an hour of departure to suit his own convenience. Young gentlemen who are asked to accept a seat in a lady's motor-car to a ball, and who comply, usually send the motor's mistress a gift of flowers the evening of the entertainment, and in aU. respects fulfill the ftiU duties of an escort. The gentleman who attends a ball alone arrives and enters the ballroom at his own convenience. He greets the hostess, speaks with the host, or if not known to that personage, uses every means to secure an intro- duction to him. To dance and make himself agreeable is the first duty of the masculine guest, who obviously is guilty of discourtesy when he lounges idly in door- Balls and Dances 253 ways or the smoking-room, avoids introductions, and annotmces that he is not dancing. The agreeable and valuable guest fills his ball-card with as great a variety of names as possible. If he knows very few young ladies, he is privileged to ask the host or hostess, or his friends, to introduce him. If there is a daughter or daughters of the house present, or if the hostess herself is a dancer, he asks a dance of them and is prompt to secure his partner as soon as the music of that number strikes up. To ask for a dance is a simple affair, for immediately upon being presented to a lady it is permissible to say : "May I have a dance, Miss A.?" — or " Is there a chance for my name on your card. Miss B.?" On securing the lady's consent, the gentleman writes his name on her card and her name on his card for the same number, and then he is privileged to say : " Thank you so much. Shall I find you here when my dance falls due ? ' ' and, bowing, retires in search of other partners. On claiming his partner for a dance a gentleman may say: "/ think you promised me this, did you not. Miss A.?" and at the conclusion of the number he volunteers a cordial "Thank you." To lead his partner into the ballroom, a gentleman offers his right arm to the lady, and at the conclusion of the dance lie may ask his com- panion to walk about, to sit with him, or seek the local- ity of cooling drinks. If he has an appointment for the interval between two dances, his proper coiurse will be to say: " Will you excuse me? I have an engagement. Where would you like best to sit?" In no circumstances has a man a right to leave his 254 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e partner standing alone in a big ballroom while he turns to seek his pleasure elsewhere. He is obliged to see her comfortably placed before taking leave of her. If a masculine guest does not dance, he may still fulfill his duty by talking to the other non-dancers, by taking women in to supper, and by making helpful introduc- tions. When a man attends a dance alone, he leaves at that hour most smted to his own convenience and with- out taking formal leave of anybody. In the coat-room he is expected to tip the servant. As a rule a small douceur is offered to the man who calls the carriages. A cotillon may form a night's entertainment, or it may only fill the hours after the midnight supper is ^ ... served. A hostess is not obliged to pro- Cotillons ^ vide favors for this dance, but it is more usual to do so, and their gift adds to the charm of the evening. A few specially handsome favors are often prepared for a number of the figures. The arrange- ments for a cotillon are in all essentials the same as those for a ball, with the exception of the bestowal of the favors, and the duty devolving on the hostess of selecting a leader for the dance and of taking pains to secure the matching of as many couples as her home or the hired hotel rooms will hold. It is permissible for a hostess to invite a gentleman to lead her cotiUon as her partner, or to ask him to lead with her yotmg daughter or house guest. When there is no daughter of the house or girl guest, and when the hostess does not her- self wish to dance, the leader is left to select his partner or, if he prefer, to take no partner at all. For a cotillon, the ballroom must be provided with as many ticketed chairs as there are persons dancing. At a conveniently placed table, the favors are prettily arranged in the Balls and Dances 255 order in which they are to be given, and the leader is provided with a bell or whistle, though some gentlemen prefer to maneuver their forces by a mere clap of the hands. Between the hostess and the leader a perfect imderstanding must be reached in good time as to the number of figures to be called, the number of favors, and the hour at which the entertainment is to conclude. If the hostess does not dance herself, she may sit by the favor table and distribute the pretty tinsel, tissue- paper and ribbon trifles. When the hostess does dance, she usually appoints some chaperon to fulfill this office. A gentleman who accepts the position as a cotillon leader must understand his duties thoroughly. As there are no reliable, printed guides to the ramifications of this subject, the author can only recommend a reader who may be ambitious to perfect himself in this graceful art to go to a high-class dancing-school and take a few lessons. The leader of a cotillon must be gay, good- tempered, a capable dancer, and one who insists mildly but firmly on having his orders respected. If he dances with his hostess or her daughter, he must lead her out as many times as possible ; if he dances unpaired, then his privilege is to lead out whomever he pleases, though he need not dance some of the figures if he prefers to sit and talk to a non-dancing hostess. It is obligatory for guests invited to a cotillon to answer their cards promptly. A masculine guest may engage his partner for the evening in advance. The lady he invites to dance with him does not expect that he wiU either send her flowers or request the privilege of serving as her escort, though he may offer her both these attentions. If he calls in good time to escort a lady to a cotUlon he need not be surprised, if she is young and carefully chaperoned, to find her mother or some mar- 256 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e ried relative prepared to accompany him as well. It is usual, when a yovmg man asks to serve as a lady's squire to a ball, for a carriage to be provided to and from the entertainment and at the young man's expense. Having selected, in advance by note, or at the last moment in the ballroom, the lady with whom he desires to dance the cotillon, a masculine guest takes her, at the beginning of the dancing, to their chairs, on the blank tickets of which he writes their names, leads her out, and favors her more than once. After every figure he retvuTLS to her side and may expect that she, in turn, will call him out and offer him favors. He must needs ask the hostess, or her daughter, to dance a figure, or part of a figure, with him, if these ladies actively participate in the entertainment. At the end of the evening it wiU be nothing more than courteous to thank the lady who served as his partner and to make a pretty speech to the hostess, who usually stands by the door to take leave formally of all her guests. It is not absolutely essential for a young man to be introduced to a fair stranger before asking her to leave her chair and accept his favor and dance a figure. It is also not obligatory, if the feminine guests are outnumbered by those of the opjx)- site sex, for a young man to refrain from taking part in the festivity. He is quite privileged to dance alone, that is, -without a partner, selecting from among the fair partners of others. When a woman is invited to a ball which ends with a cotillon, she may return home, if she likes, as soon as the cotiUon begins, if she has not been asked to dance in it by a young man, and if she does not choose to take her chances of being called out by the partners of other young ladies. It is hardly a successful, or grace- Balls and Dances 257 ful, experiment for a woman to attempt to enter the cotillon alone. If a lady receives a request in advance from a young man to dance the cotillon as his partner, she has no right to refuse his request, unless she has sent regrets to the invitation or has already accepted another offer. She may, if well provided with this world's goods, invite her cotillon partner to accept a seat in her cab or motor- car to and from the ball. When her admirer provides both his escort and the conveyance, she is privileged to introduce her chaperon as the third party to the group. Whether asked to dance in advance or at the last mo- ment in the ballroom by a man friend, a lady owes her partner certain kind courtesies. She must caU him out several times ; shemust favor him; she must come back to his side after every figure, and she must show that she appreciates the attention he has paid her. A lady may, at a cotillon, call up any gentleman she chooses to dance a figure, whether previously introduced to him or not. She always remembers, if she is as kind as wise, to call up and favor those young men who have showed her a similar cotirtesy. A gentleman at a public ball, who accompanies ladies, conducts himself quite as at a private affair of the same nature. Entering, he bows to those com- mittees who are conspicuous at the door, PubUc baUs to the patronesses, to the guest of honor, and bows only when he is a stranger to these personalities. If there is a master of ceremonies who carefully presents every one on arrival to the guest of honor, he offers his hand, if that individual has cordially extended his own. At a public ball, a gentleman in need of introductions to ladies seeks his friends for aid, or he may appeal to any of the mem- 258 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e bers of what is sometimes called the floor committee. Only at public masked balls do guests, as a rule, dis- pense with the formality of introduction. When a gentleman asks a woman friend to be his guest at a public baU, he must absolutely pay for everything: her transportation to and from the festive scene; her en- trance and coat-room fee, and also for her supper when the food is on a purchase basis. If his charge is young and pretty, he may expect to provide also for her chap- eron, imless her father or her mother accompanies her in this capacity, and he must try to secure her partners for the dances if she finds few acquaintances present and needs the help of introductions. It is not enough for her escort merely to dance with her several times himself. His duty extends beyond this, though it need not include flowers. A lady never attends a public ball alone, but, if she is quite young, she may make her ap- pearance with her mother or some elderly woman. Two young ladies, whether sisters or cousins, cannot, by the law of the nice conventions, attend a public ball unescor- ted and tmchaperoned. Elderly ladies, as a rule, prefer to appear at such pubHc f iinctions in company with a mas- culine relative. A lady at a public ball does not dance or talk with men to whom she has not been introduced by some accredited person. On entering, she merely bows to the patronesses and committees and guest of honor, un- less anovertureof friendliergreeting is made by these dig- nitaries. On retiring, she takes no formal leave of any- one, and if young and chaperoned returns to the side of her duenna after dancing with a newly-made acquaintance. „ , , , For full instructions on aU points relating The bachelor , . . • V.i ^,ajl to this type of entertamment, see Chapter Twelve. Balls and Dances 259 These may be classed among private entertainments, presided over by several hostesses. The ladies receive in a group by the baU-room door during . ^, ^ „ Assembly balls the first hour of the evening. A Hveried servant shotdd announce the guests, and the members of the reception committee usually bow only in greeting. After the first hour the hostesses, or those who serve in that capacity and have received the guests, begin to dance or take their places among the chaperons, with a care the while to furthering the comfort and pleasure of their friends. Sometimes, toward the end of the eve- ning, these hostesses group themselves by the door to take leave of the departing merrymakers, but such formaKty is not essential. Guests of both sexes conduct themselves at assembHes as at private balls. They do not, it is true, offer to greet or take leave of any among the hostesses who are strangers to them. It is courteous and customary for guests to seek out those individuals who sent or secured for them a card to the ball, and express gratification at the entertainment received. Full ball dress for a woman is a term that implies the adoption of a short-sleeved, decollete costume of net, silk, satin, cr§pe-de-chine, chiffon or vel- . Ball dress vet, in black or a pale evening tint, elaborately embellished with suitable trimming and worn with satin or very fine kid dancing-shoes, jewels, and a becoming coiffure. At balls, unmarried women under twenty-eight should not wear velvet, brocaded silk or satin, or black, even in its richest and most showy forms; or adopt the use of rich point lace, or many and showy jewels. A spinster past her first youth may assume as stately and rich a dress as a 26o Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e matron; but a debutante, at her first ball, usually wears white. During her first season in society, a yoiong lady most appropriately appears at balls in thin silk or light-weight satin, crSpe-de-chine, chiffon, and nets of gay or pale tones, with but few jeweled orna- ments. At a dance, somewhat less splendor or richness of costume is adopted than at a ball. In summer in the cotmtry, filmy white Swiss, embroidered lingerie, musKn, organdies, and nets appear very appropriately at small- and-early dances. With these fabrics only the simplest pendants, neck chains, beads, and simple bracelets and brooches are correctly adopted. Matron-chaperons at balls and dowagers wear black in brocaded sOk or satin, velvets in rich colors and the full muster of their jewels. At a simple or a summer dance, a matron-hostess wears a rather unostentatious evening costume and does not try to appear the most richly gowned woman present. Ball dress for men is similar to that they wear at formal dinner parties (see Chapter Five, page 209) . The masculine guest at a ball adds to his appearance by the adoption of a white coat-flower, and continuously through the evening, or only while dancing, he wears white-kid gloves. At a dance, punctilious men dress exactly as for a ball ; but at a quite informal country dance, the dinner coat and black tie sometimes appear in place of the long-skirted claw-hammer coat and white lawn tie. CHAPTER EIGHT LUNCHEON AND BREAKFAST PARTIES These, for a formal entertainment, should be issued one week, ten days, or a fortnight in advance of the date set. In the full tide of a gay New York or Washington season, cards to to luncheons such feasts are often sent out three weeks previous to the day determined upon. From five days to a week is sufficient notice, as a rule, for a small luncheon at which no special elaboration of service is to be observed. For large and ceremonious luncheons, the invitations may be written out by hand on the hostess's best stamped note-paper. They should be expressed in this manner : Mrs. John J. Blanke requests the pleasure of your company at luncheon, on Tuesday, January the third, at half-past one o'clock. When the note-paper does not bear the hostess's ad- dress in the upper right-hand comer, or at the top centre of the sheet, it must be added below the last line of invitation. When a luncheon is given to do special honor to some individual or to a married couple, its object may be indicated in this way: 062 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Mrs. John J. Blanke requests the pleasure of your company at luncheon, to meet Miss Merion, of Baltimore, on Tuesday, June the third, at half-past one o'clock. An approved variation on this is to write out the invitation according to the first formvda, adding under- neath at the bottom of the page: To meet Senator and Mrs. Gage. There are some social leaders who employ for their luncheon invitations engraved cards on which spaces are left for writing in, between the copperplate Hnes of script, the name of the individua for whom the card is intended, the name of the day, its date, and the hour for which the feast is set. This species of half-written and half -engraved card has been shown in the chapter on dinners, see page 158. Cards so prepared are a great convenience to the hostess who gives many elabor- ate luncheons throughout the year, and who thus saves herself the trouble of writing invitations by hand. Such cards are despatched, every one in a single separ- ate envelope, to the various persons for whom they are intended. If the luncheon is given to honor any individual, that fact may be indicated with pen and ink in the lower left-hand comer of the white bristol- board card. Another accepted and frequently practised method of dispensing luncheon invitations is that of writing on one's calling-card the sentences : Luncheon at two o'clock, Thursday, May 5th. Cards so inscribed are posted in small card envelopes and indicate a somewhat informal gathering at table. More popular than any of these above-mentioned LvincKeon and BreaKfast Parties 263 types of invitation is the bidding to luncheon by means of a short friendly note. When preparing these, a writer must again use her best stationery, and when the proposed meal is to be a formal affair, she must confine her pen to the special business in hand and not utilize the opportunity for conveying extraneous information, family news, congratulations, etc. The following, for example, is the approximate phraseology in which to bid an acquaintance to a ceremonious midday function: My dear Mrs. Dean: Will you give me the pleasure of your company at limch- eon on Friday, the eighteenth, at two o'clock? Yours very sincerely, Ada Blanke. or Dear Miss Thomas : I shall be so pleased if you are free to join us at luncheon on Monday, July the tenth, at half-past one o'clock, to meet Lord and Lady DoUand. Yours most sincerely, Ada Blanke. Any one of the above forms of invitation are suitable and approved for breakfast parties by virtue of two simple alterations in the wording. To sub- stitute the term "breakfast" for "limch- invitations eon" and change the hour from p.m. to A.M. is usually sufficient to indicate the character of the entertainment. It is fair to say that the average full-dress smart luncheon is nothing more or less than an afternoon dinner party. To-day the tendency is J 1, 1 , .• • ,1 The ceremonious toward ultra-elaboration m the arrange- luncheon part? ment of the luncheon-table, in the length e64 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e of the menu, and in the size of the parties gathered round one large or several medium-sized tables. This feast is, in the United States, almost sacred to the participation of feminine kind, though mixed luncheons, in which an equal number of both sexes take part, are always an approved and very deUghtful form of diver- sion. Our men being, however, for the most part, absent at their ofiBces during the day, it seldom enough happens that a hostess issues her invitations, as in the case of her dinner parties, in her husband's name as well as her own. Consequently, she does not attempt to invite to her midday banquets the husbands, brothers, and sons of her friends. Nevertheless, with her femi- nine associates only to cater for, she usually makes it her rule to set before them the best her larder, her linen- closet, and her silver-chest afford. During the winter season of gaieties, when a smart luncheon is projected, it behooves the giver thereof to devote infinite thought to her table decorations, and her board ought to be draped exactly as for a dinner : that is to say, in her finest napery. A tasteftd scheme of fioral decoration is adopted, and from November to March it is usual to illuminate a luncheon-table and the dining-room as for a dinner. This, of course, necessitates the drawing of the ctirtains to exclude the dayHght, which, in the wintry months, being neither brilliant nor diffused, shines too often in the eyes of some of the guests and only on the backs of others. It is therefore more agreeable in winter to Itmch by artificial Hght, which brings the decorations on the table and the pretty gowns of the guests to a uniform and mellow focus on and about the board. At a fashionable Itmcheon, flowers that show well under a candle or shaded electric light appropriately occupy LvincKeoii and BreaKfast Parties 265 the middle of the table. Over against these, at either end, or opposite comers, or at aU four comers of the pyramid or platter of blooms, candles or branched candelabra may be placed. One or two decanted wines, silver or crystal dishes of sweets and salted nuts should be placed at calculated intervals on the table. The covers for such a luncheon are set exactly as for a dinner (see page 179), with the possible difference that fewer wineglasses appear. But at aU smart luncheons nowa- days, a goblet is suppHed for still water, a small titmbler for sparkling water, and one white and one red wine are poured. A great charm and convenience, when the guests number more than six, are pretty name-cards laid on every big white napkin which holds a roU. Some pretty cards are made to be balanced on the edges of water-glasses, and some are dainty and intricate lace-paper and cardboard devices, delightfully colored in seasonable motifs of flowers, game, fruit, or dancing children. Ltuicheon menu cards, while not yet commonly employed in this country, are a Eiiropean convenience to be recommended when the meal is long and elaborate, and charming individual menu cards, decorated to match the name-cards, nowadays appear at parties given by fashionable and thoughtful hostesses. The hostess who has sent out ten or a dozen cards or notes of invitation to a ceremonious two-o'clock feast wisely maps her menu of a length and elaboration suitable for a dinner of an bill of fare equal number of covers. Her veritable banquet may begin with grapefruit treated with li- queurs, or with a course of shellfish. This, when re- moved, should be replaced by a clear soup in cups. e66 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage Thereafter, a platter of varied hors-d'oeuvres may go the rotinds of the table, to be succeeded by hot salmon, trout, or broiled lobsters. After this, a course of sweet- breads, or delicate meat in aspic, may correctly appear, to be followed by a vegetable course, which in turn gives way to lamb and peas, or fillets of beef with a green garnishing. Sherbet, or frozen punch, is an indispensable stimula- tion to the appetite when an elaborate luncheon is served, and, as at a dinner, its appearance heralds the approach of game and salad. After this an elaborate sweet course arrives, hot or frozen, and with or without an accompaniment of small fresh fruit. A savory, hot or cold, brings an elaborate luncheon near to its conclu- sion. Fruits, dried and fresh, then go roimd, accom- panied by bonbons, and coffee brings the long taleot rich dishes to a close. As the seasons and markets change, so the biU of fare suitable for a grand limcheon varies. To launch the meal in February with unstemmed strawberries of great size ; to offer interludes of mushrooms or marrow bones, a grilled course in which kidneys play a part, with other rich and highly seasoned titbits; to introduce souffles of tomato, eggs prepared after amazing French receipts, with tinted lettuce; to set before her friends a sweet cotirse of colored cocoons of spun sugar, containing mar- velous butterflies molded in frizen cream, re among the endless and Itixurious variations played upon the conventional lists of Itmcheon dishes by lavish and novelty-loving entertainers. Consequently, to deter- mine exactly the extent and features of the menu of a fashionable ladies' lunch is here quite out of the question since the only rule to set down with regard to its scope and length is that of allowing, as for a diimer, the num- LuticHeon and BreaKfast Parties 267 ber of guests to decide, in a meastixe, the latitude in dishes. At a half-past-one-o'clock repast, at which six ladies are gathered, six to eight courses suffice; this enumeration includes hors-d'oeuvres, fruits, and coffee. At a luncheon where twelve to fourteen persons are seated, the menu may easily include ten to twelve changes of plates. All formal repasts of this daylight variety are served d la russe, or from dishes passed by the servants. See chapter on dinners, page 185, to note how . this process may be successfully carried luncheon out. A couple of capable maids, in their black afternoon frocks, white aprons, etc., can easily serve from six to twelve ladies. When men-servants are employed, the butler wears his evening dress (see page 380), the footman appears in his usual house- livery. If men are hired from a caterer to serve an elaborate lunch, they more often than not appear in their evening livery. In all respects the plates are shifted and the cotuses passed in review with the cere- mony observed at a full-dress dinner. For a ceremo- nious luncheon party in town, the butler opens the front door for arriving guests; a maid assists the ladies, in one of the bedrooms, to remove their wraps ; the butler formally announces the guests to his mistress at the drawing-room door, and announces that luncheon is ready so soon as he is aware that aU those expected have arrived. When the luncheon-table is deserted, coffee and liqueurs may be served in the drawing-room, but the hostess is free to have those beverages passed at table. A maid must attend the ladies again in their cloaking- room when they reassume their wraps, and a man-ser- vant must open the front door for departing guests. 268 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e A hostess's duty is to be in readiness in her drawing- room a few moments before her first guest arrives. She rises to greet every newcomer, going for- eceiviiig ward with cordially outstretched hand luncheon ■' guests to oiier her welcome, and making intro- ductions where they are needed. If there is a guest of honor, she tries to present all the other friends to this personage before marshaHng her com- pany in to table. It is conventional and only consider- ate to aUow eight to ten minutes' grace to delinquents, but a hostess, mindftil of her cook and the duty she owes to other guests, does not extend this time allow- ance undidy, even when more than one friend is behind- hand ; unless, of course, the weather is severe and there are impediments to wheeled traffic. When her servant announces that the meal is ready, it is the hostess's duty to lead the way to the dining- joom with the lady whom she compliments by seating her at table on her right. On entering the dining-room, the hostess shoxild pause a few moments beside her chair while her guests are searching for their places by the aid of the name-cards. As a rule, the secondary seat of honor at a ladies' lunch is that which would be occupied by the host if he were present. The guest of slightly less importance than the lady on the hostess's right is placed at the foot of the table, and to her the mistress of the occasion looks and bows when a general exodus is to be made from the dining-room. The hostess may lead the way from the dining-room or bring up the rear as she chooses, and nowadays, at many smart parties of this natm-e, the hostess considers it her duty, not only to suggest, but provide, cigarettes at the conclusion of the elaborate repast. She may observe this ultra-modern rite or concession LvincKeon and BreaKfast Parties 269 to prejudice in the dining-room when the coffee and liqueurs are poured, or in her drawing-room. A non- smoking hostess, who cherishes a dislike for the habit, is certainly not obliged to carry her concession to taste so far ; but if a guest asks the privilege of smoking, she cannot impose her prejudices by refusing her permission or by expressing any disapproval of the liberty her friend has assumed and the habit her friend chooses to practise. After a luncheon party, unless cards or music or some other special diversion has been arranged for the entertainment of her friends, a hostess does not press them to remain when they rise early to retire. The participants in a modish luncheon are usually bent on accomplishing many pleasures and duties in the remainder of an afternoon; therefore if they leave ten to fifteen minutes after the drawing-room is regained, the hostess need only express regret at their early departure, and, rising, offer her hand with some such sentences as : "Must you be going ? I am so sorry, " — or "I so regret that an engagement is hurrying you away. I have been quite hoping for a few minutes' chat with you, " — or ' ' It has been a great pleasure to see you, Miss A . May I ask you to give my very kindest regards to your mother? " Until her retiring guest has left the room, the hostess remains standing and somewhat at attention, unless her notice is immediately claimed by another. An elderly lady, or a guest of honor, may be accompanied to the drawing-room door. When a thoughtless, idle, and prosy guest remains on and on, long after all the rest of the luncheon company has retired, and after the hostess herself is due at some rendezvous, on pleasure or duty bent, it is scarcely permissible, unless the 270 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e entertainer's afternoon engagement is seriously pressing, to hint that a conclusion must be drawn to the incon- siderate one's stay. Sometimes a lady thus in danger of missing an engagement of real importance may say: " Will you wait while I run upstairs and get into my things ? I am rather expecting a friend to call for me, " — or "I wonder if I may take you anywhere in my cab on my way to my lawyer's office ?" The term "mixed" here implies a company com- posed of an equal niunber of men and women. In all respects this should be carried out on the A smart mixed , . , . ^ ^ . ^ . ^ . luncheon ihies laid down for the ordinary cere- monious ladies' luncheon, with the follow- ing exceptions: a cloak-room is arranged for the masculine as well as the feminine guests if there is not adequate provision for hats, top-coats, etc., in or just off the hallway ; the hostess sends her husband in with the lady of greatest distinction present, and herself, as at a dinner party, brings up the rear of the procession to the dining-room, walking at the side of the most important masculine guest. At ceremonious mixed luncheons, men and women, however, do not, as a rule, go in arm in arm, and the hostess allows them to pair them- selves as they like for this procession, since those who merely walk in to table together do not necessarily sit side by side. The hostess leaves them to find their places by their name-cards and does not, as at a dinner party, take the precaution of indicating, by cards dis- tributed to the gentlemen beforehand, how the couples are to enter and seat themselves in the dining-room. Usually, at mixed limcheons, the ladies remain at table LvincKeon and DreaKfast Parties 271 while the coffee and tobacco go round, sharing partici- pation in both; or, if the hostess elects, all the guests leave the dining-room simultaneously at her nod ; then coffee and tobacco are partaken of in the drawing-room, or, if the hostess entertains a prejudice against the weed, it is not offered with the cafe noir in the drawing-room. At the fashionable countrysides and at watering- places, where many modish folk love to practise the ceremonies observed in town, the sum- Summer mer luncheon may be conducted on as luncheons formal and as elaborate a scale as that given in winter ; but, as a rule, this hot-weather meal is differentiated from its winter prototype by the agreeable device of leaving off the heavy white-damasked table- cloth. On the cool, dark, pohshed oak or mahogany board, it is agreeable in summer to see plate-doilies and a centerpiece of linen and lace laid. Against this back- ground, a big crystal bowl, flanked with cut-glass vases, and aU filled with garden treastu-es or a tasteful choice from the blossoming fields, forms a lovely floral feast for the eye. Small silver and crystal dishes, holding the usual sweets, may be disposed here and there on the board; but only by reason of inabihty to transmit the Hght of day agreeably to her dining-room should a hostess be forced in summer to the expedient of Ughting her luncheon-table artificially. By a discreet use of out- side awnings and inside shades, an entertainer's duty is to strive to adjust the natural Ught of late spring or sximmertime to suit her guests; for, in hot weather, even the most discreetly veiled lamps and candles seem to intensify the temperature. Some hostesses cleverly suggest an agreeable coolness by placing, in the center of the luncheon-table, a flower-wreathed crystal bowl 2/2 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e of goldfish, or, as substitute for the vases of flowers, an ornamental block of ice, frozen in the quaint form of a rough temple, or snowcapped miniature peak, imbedded in a plateau of deeply green daisy -starred mosses. On the ample square or round plate-doilies of linen and lace that serve to protect the fine oak or mahogany table from heat-scars, the cover for an elaborate summer luncheon is set with precision, elegance, and elaboration. The menu may begin with a fruit cotu-se, with hors- d'ceuvres, with clams on beds of powdered ice, or with cups of jellied botdllon. The first feature of the bill of fare is often foimd ready placed when the guests arrive in the dining-room. In that case, every napkin, with the individual portion of bread, is placed on the table to the fork or left side of the cover, and ordinarily one white wine is potired with a hot-weather Itmch, or still and sparkling waters only are offered. A hostess is ill advised who Hsts on her hot-weather menu cold or frozen dishes only. One hot-meat course, such as lamb with green peas, or a service of hot fish with potatoes, and broiled chicken with the salad, should be included with the dulled foods. A long luncheon of cold and iced dishes is a severe trial to the digestion and scarcely appeals to the palate even when the mercury is ranging among its topmost notes. Too many vegetables served in jellies and too many meats in chilled casings of their own juice lose their value if served in steady succession; therefore, while red meats, thick soups, souffles, etc., should be ignored, aspara- gus, green com, spinach, and stuffed egg-plant are to be regarded as suitable and not heating when served hot from the kitchen. Only at simple and informal luncheon parties are such drinks as lemonade and iced tea poured. Tea Lvincheon and DreaKfast Parties 273 among fashionable persons is not regarded as a proper lunclieon drink, whether hot or cold or whether served dtiring or after a luncheon. Frequently, at the end of a smart midsummer luncheon party, liqueurs are passed with a silver bowl of finely crushed ice. The guest is expected to fill her tiny glass with a spoonful of the refreshing snowy mass and then pour over it a few drops of creme-de-menthe, or whatever rich li- quetir she prefers, and sip it, drop by drop. As the Hqueur-tray goes round, a platter, loaded with wee cups of fiery-hot Turkish coffee, or ordinary cafe noir, is passed. For a summer luncheon party in the coun- try, adjournment is usually made from the table to a shady veranda, loggia, or bowery pergola before the liqueurs and coffee are offered, and there smoking may be freely permitted. These agreeable entertainments are frequent among congenial women who are friends as well as neighbors and who are notable housekeepers. Pretty luncheons of this kind do not require a ™ . ^ ^ simple long and elaborate, but a very-well- luncheons chosen, menu, and a table which expresses the last word in attractive decoration and dainty charm. Always in winter, even for a luncheon party of four or six, a white cloth should be used. This, with central flowers and four candlesticks, holding single-shaded candles, gives a luncheon table a cosy appearance suitable to the season. At every cover at least three forks to the left and two knives and a bouillon spoon to the right shoiild be laid. A cut-glass tumbler for still water and a smaller thin glass one for sparkling water may be supplied every guest. No wine should be offered when the hostess purposes herself to pour 18 274 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage hot chocolate with whipped cream, creamed coffee, or tea, and when these beverages are to form a feature of the menu, bouillon shoxild not be served. Usually at what, for convenience, we shall call a "tea luncheon, " the hostess's cover is placed on or before a large silver platter, on which appears an alcohol lamp, silver pots of tea, coffee, or chocolate, a bowl of whipped cream, sugar, slices of lemon, and aU the other paraphernalia for pouring these deHcious drinkables. When the meal itself is inaugurated with a hot preparation of oysters or some special fish course in pastry shells, such hors- d'oeuvres as crisp celery hearts, stuffed oHves, anchovy toast, etc., are daintily disposed on the table itself in small crystal or decorated china platters. To these the guests help themselves at their pleasure, and, for their reception, a small plate and knife are laid at the top of every cover, just beyond the tips of the fork prongs. Once or twice, during such a meal, the servant shotdd pass a tray holding a dish of butter and a platter piled with slices of very thin, very brown, and very crisp dry toast. When a course of hot fish, eggs, arti- choke hearts, or mushrooms has been served and re- moved, a course of hot meat with a green vegetable may suitably follow, to be succeeded by a souffle of potatoes, or asparagus tips in cream sauce, or a deHcious prepara- tion of creamed salsify or braised celery, or other seasonable vegetables. Broiled chicken or roast wild duck with salad appears after this, and orange skins, filled with a maraschino ice, may or may not break the repast. This is not, however, an essential course, but after the salad comes a rich, hot pudding or tart, or ice cream with a hot sauce. The meal may be concluded with a cheese savory, then fresh fruit, sweets, and a liqueur or not, as the hostess pleases. If her table and Lvincheon and DreaKfast Parties 275 dining-room are small, she should try to serve nothing herself save her pudding or ice cream. With one ser- vant in the dining-room, aU the other dishes may be served d la russe, and she may pour the hot beverages. Under her direction, when the sweet course is due to appear, the maid shotild remove the tea- or cofEee-tray from before the mistress and place the pie-, tart-, or pudding-dish in its place. When the hostess means to serve ever3rthing herself, she should not attempt to pour tea or coffee, unless these beverages are to be offered at the end of the meal. Usually though, at such a luncheon party, the ladies prefer to sip the hot tea throughout their meal, and then the hostess, on seating herself, begins to offer and pour the beverages as desired. She should offer to refill the tea, coffee, or chocolate cups, and always invite her guests to a second helping of every course. When a midday meal is to be followed by cards or any progressive games, it should begin promptly at one P.M. and the menu shoiold not be long. Guests do not find their wits sharpened , " se . -^ luncheons by a ponderous, extensive and overrich meal, and the hostess should not keep her friends at table over three-quarters of an hour. Immediately on rising from the luncheon, adjournment should be made to the card-tables, and thereat the coffee and liqueurs and cigarettes may be participated in while groups of players are arranging themselves and discussing the conditions of the game. The genuine breakfast party, beginning at eleven- thirty A.M., is a function rarely celebrated save in a very informal way in behalf of a few friends at a restaurant, or round a family table '* "^ 276 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage on a Sunday morning, when intimate neighbors appear, or for exceedingly qiiiet weddings. The formal break- fast, of luncheon-like dimensions, is set for twelve o'clock nowadays, or follows a midday wedding and begins at two p.m. In all respects it is an elaborate luncheon, given a special character by being served at several small tables instead of at one large board. The menu, the service, and the general detail is exactly simi- lar to that already explained in the foregoing pages. Guests oftenest find their places by the help of name- cards; sometimes they are allowed to form their own congenial table group, but the hostess's table is always a Httle larger than the others, and the guests of special importance are asked to sit there. These take place frequently when a midday wedding, musicale, or card party is on the tapis and a very large number of guests is to be fed. Then the Buffet break- dining-room must have plenty of chairs lundieons ranked about its four walls; the side- board must be piled with plates, knives, forks, spoons, and fringed napkins, and well loaded with cups and saucers, glasses, etc. On the serving-tables, hot and cold meats must be placed for carving, and on the large central table, handsomely garnished with flowers, a rather heterogeneous collection of delicacies, hot and cold, sweet and savory, invariably appears. From the pantry, servants must bring trays loaded with cups of hot coffee, tea, and chocolate, jugs of hot milk and sweet, thin cream, and bowls of whipped cream and basins of soft and lump sugar. At least two wines must be poured by the butler or head waitress, and guests should be allowed to help themselves. The breakfasters may satisfy their appetites as they stand. LvincHeon and BreaKfast Parties 277 or seat themselves where they will. The host and hostess must keep alm.ost constantly on the move and in the dining-room to see that their friends are being served. When the party is gathered early in the day for the purpose of progressing on to a horse show, to witness sports, motor, horse, aeroplane, yacht, or other races, or to take part in a meet of the hounds, a buffet break- fast is essentially the proper meal for the hostess of an occasion to serve. This she does after an adaptation of the long-established English "htmt breakfast." There the guests sit down to table, but when and how they please, and after filling their plates from dishes hot and cold, disposed in covered and tmcovered, heated and chiUed platters on sideboard and tables. Usually, at the end of the table, a capable servant pours hot tea, coffee, chocolate, and cocoa to suit individual taste. The hostess, however, can very suitably take her place behind the great silver-laden tea and coffee- tray and expect her guests, otherwise, to wait entirely on themselves. The servants in such a case are usually required only to see that supplies of hot toast and biscuits, thin bread and butter, or delicate griddle- cakes are forwarded from the kitchen ; that the grilled fish, ham, bacon, boiled eggs, and omelets come to the table in perfection, and that plates, knives, forks, nap- kins, etc., once used are immediately replaced by fresh articles. There is a delightful picnic quality about the English htuit breakfast that renders it an easy meal to provide, while the ball of talk and laughter is kept rolling without an effort on anyone's part. A hostess in such circtmistances puts everyone at ea,:e by insist- ing on their looking after themselves, and only herself taking pains to see, unobtrusively, that the products 278 Oyclopaedia of Social Usa^e of her kitchen come up hot and tempting. The gentle- men wait upon the ladies, or the ladies provide for their own needs, and introductions between strangers who find themselves side by side, or are appHcants for slices from the same ham on the sideboard, are not essential. An invitation received to either of these meals merits an immediate and decisive answer, expressed in the terms that accord with the formal- Luncheon and ity or informality of the friend's invita- euests tion. In answer to a bidding engraved or written in the third person, the reply should take this form: Mrs. Arnold Agnew accepts with pleasure Mrs. John J. Blanke's kind invita- tion to luncheon to meet Miss Marion, of Baltimore, on Tuesday, June the third, at half-past one o'clock. When a visiting-card invitation (see page 262) is received, the reply ordinarily takes a note-form, and a note is always despatched in answer to a note ask- ing one to lunch. Such a reply may be expressed thus: My dear Mrs Blanke: You are so kind to ask me to luncheon on the tenth to meet Lord and Lady Dolland, but I am already promised to Mrs. Howland for a bridge party on that day and must therefore forego your charming hospitality. With sincere regrets, Marian Thomas. or LvtncKeon and BreaKfast Parties 279 Dear Mrs. Blanke: It will give me great pleasure to have luncheon with you on Friday the i8th at two o'clock. Yours most sincerely, Florence Dean. To appear promptly on the hour named in a luncheon invitation is to show one's hostess only common cour- tesy and consideration, and the delayed guest is obliged, on entering her entertainer's presence, to follow up her greetings with careful apologies for tardy appearance. Feminine luncheon guests remove all their heavy outer wraps before entering the drawing-room. That is to say, an umbrella or parasol, long fur or ulster coat, fur boa and muff, overshoes, and motor or fur-Hned gloves must be left in the hall, or in the dressing-room if one is provided. Only when a very small and very intimate and unconventional lunch is intended, and where the hostess presses the point, is it proper to take off delicate gloves, the coat of one's two-piece taUor-suit, one's veil or hat. A smaU neck-boa of ostrich feathers, tuUe, or ribbon, may be retained, also one's decorative scarf and a fancy handbag if one is carried. To greet the giver of the entertainment is a guest's first duty, and as the company rises to go into the dining-room precedence is given by the men guests to the women. If the entertainment is for ladies only, then the younger and unmarried ones walk into the dining-room after their seniors and the matrons. In all details of behavior at table, the etiquette for a Itmch- eon guest is exactly the same as that, already outlined, on page 205, for men and women asked out to dine. At a fashionable, or small and intimate, luncheon party, those who may plead the pressure of engage- ments are privileged to take prompt leave ten to s8o Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e fifteen minutes after the meal is over. It is, on the other hand, permissible to remain twenty minutes to three-quarters of an hotir after rising from a limcheon- table. This may be done when the hostess, as is often the case, gives a luncheon party in the first part of her regular afternoon at home, and when music or some other kind of entertainment is provided by the mistress of the occasion to follow the meal. Very often, though, it happens that the hostess herself has an afternoon fuU of engagements to foUow on her luncheon party, and expects her guests to retire considerately when fifteen or twenty minutes have elapsed after the conclu- sion of the meal. A luncheon guest, for this reason, should, if the owner of an equipage, order her carriage or automobile to return for her promptly. Every luncheon guest on rising to depart must seek out the hostess before leaving the drawing-room to asstune any wraps, and offer thanks for the entertainment enjoyed. It is sufi5cient to say : "7 am sorry to have to leave this delightful party so soon, Mrs. Blanke, but I have promised to take my mother to the picture show at three o'clock, " — or "Good-by, Mrs. Blanke, I am indebted to you for my share of a very charming entertainment. " There is complete informality observed in the break- up of a luncheon company. Yotinger women do not need to wait for a signal for departure from their sen- iors, but when a man and woman have arrived and are to depart from such an affair together, the man waits for his feminine companion to give the signal for retiring and follows her out of the drawing-room. When a guest of honor is the prime excuse for the celebration of a formal luncheon, the departing guest only displays common courtesy in taking graceful leave of this per- Lvincheoti and BreaKfast Parties 281 sonage, if the farewells can be offered without conspicu- ous intrusion upon a group or deep conversation in which the guest of honor is taking prominent part. In these last circumstances, the departing member of a luncheon party may say to the hostess : " Will you say o your friend, Mrs. J , that I have enjoyed making her acquaintance and hope I shall meet her again while she is with you, " — or "I see Mrs. B. is very much engaged at this moment, so I hope you will say good-by to her for me. " At a formal breakfast, the etiquette for guests is in detail similar to that described for the members of a luncheon party. For a btiffet luncheon, or big informal race or hunt breakfast, guests conduct themselves as at an afternoon tea (see page 243). For aU directions on this point, see Wedding Chapter Four, page 152. breakfasts A gentleman may appear at a ceremonious Itmcheon in winter in gray trousers, white or fancy waistcoat, black cutaway coat, white linen, patent- leather shoes, gray gloves, and a top hat. Dress for rry-t • . L J j. J J* 1 luiicheons and This costume may be adopted for a wed- breakfasts ding breakfast, or, for such a fimction, a frock coat is a reasonable substitute for the cutaway. At a country Itmcheon party, it is permissible for a gentleman to wear a gray morning suit with a fancy waistcoat and colored linen, or appear, in the summer, in white flannels or white linen, with hat and shoes to match. A gentleman, at a luncheon, leaves his gloves with his overcoat, stick, and hat, in the hall. To a formal breakfast or limcheon in town, a woman mav wear a neat two-piece tailor-suit with elaborate 282 Cyclopeedia of Social Usa^e blouse, white gloves, and a simple morning hat, or she may as appropriately assume a very elegant costume such as she wotild wear to a large afternoon reception. Jewels, a plumed hat, and the most delicate footgear accord with such a toilet. In summer in the cotmtry she may make her choice between a smart white serge or linen walking-suit, lingerie blouse, white shoes, and stiflf plain hat, or a fihny lingerie muslin encrusted with rare needlework, a very best hat, and some jewels. Indeed, to luncheon parties, there are women who make it a rule to wear always what is known as full afternoon toilet. Hats and gloves are always worn by women guests to the luncheon- or breakfast-party table, otherwise the occa- sion is not ceremonious. Gloves are removed after seats are taken, and resumed, at the pleasiure of their owners, at the conclusion of the meal or just before rising to depart. Veils may be worn to the table, pushed up from the face only while the guests eat, or a Ivmcheon guest may leave her net face-covering along with her other wraps in the dressing-room. CHAPTER NINE PUBLIC ENTERTAIJSTMENTS Late arrivals at a musical entertainment have no right to attempt to gain their seats while the orchestra or a soloist is playing or singing. If an r rt orchestra or gallery chair has been gained just the instant before one of the numbers begins, con- sideration in behalf of aU near neighbors requires the new arrival to wait till the number is over before attempting to remove wraps, open and examine a programme, or cause any commotion whatsoever. If the seat is not satisfactory, adjournment to the box- oflBce should be made, in the hope of effecting a change, in an interval and under the cover of applause, and there is no excuse to be offered for the individual who dwells audibly during each intermission on the miseries of his or her location. Persons who grumble aloud and helplessly at a pubHc entertainment, who complain of bad air, the crush, the heat, the acoustics, and the impossibility of seeing the stage, are a niusance to peace-loving and philosophical neighbors. When a concert proves dull and disappointing, or when an engagement or f aintness necessitates departure before the programme is complete, an adjournment may be properly made only in an interval between the 283 284 Cyclopaedia of Social XJsa^e numbers. This is the rule to be observed whether seats are enjoyed at the aisle-end or in the middle of a row, as any movement at a concert while music is discoursed annoys and distracts those who are sensitive and who are in the full tide of enjoyment. Even the most cau- tious tiptoeing up or down the carpeted aisle is exasper- ating and disturbing to intent and appreciative listeners. A well-bred man or woman at a concert recognizes the claims and wishes of others sufficiently to sit stiU and to refrain from twisting, whispering, fluttering a programme, fanning, or beating time to a ballad or nocturne. Good taste, bom of caution and kind- heartedness, requires that no member of an audience shall indulge loudly in ridicule or caustic criticism of any contributor to the programme, since it not infre- quently happens that the vocalist or pianist, so absurd or objectionable to one person, is the admired friend or near relation of another. It is generous and almost spontaneous to show by hearty hand-clapping an appreciation of a performer's efforts, but applause may be, and often is, carried too far. Only at the circus and in the galleries of music-halls is approval showed by pounding with feet and umbrella on the floor and by lusty shouting. Enough delight may be expressed with the hands alone, yet a few zealots and a few sensation lovers who merely enjoy the business of making a noise can render applause meaningless and a nuisance by repeating it too often and in too prolonged a fashion. When applause has been given in a generous quantity, it is permissible for the quieter occupants of orchestra and gallery chairs to make a slight hissing or hushing sound through the half -shut teeth. Public Entertainments 285 There are few injunctions regarding the approved conduct of a concert-goer that cannot be followed profit- ably by the man or woman who attends a + th th tr the play. A quiet entrance at the theatre distingiiishes the individual of good breeding. And here let it be remarked that at theatre, concert, or opera, it is necessary for late comers to remove carefully all their heaviest wraps before walking down an aisle to gain their seats. At the play, especially, it is annoying to those already settled to see delinquents stand up between themselves and the stage in order to drag off heavy coats. Extremely tardy ticket-holders sometimes prefer, i£ their arrival occurs in the midst or at the begin- ning of an act, to stand in the rear of the auditorium tintil the curtain falls. Between the acts there is abundant time afforded for comment and conversation; therefore, to talk in whis- pers, giggle over private jokes, fidget in one's chair, sigh deeply, etc., is an evidence of sheer selfishness. Manifestly it is rude to point with the hand or opera- glasses toward anyone in any part of a public assemblage, and it is not polite to turn in one's chair and gaze critically at strangers in one's rear, tinless search- ing for an expected friend. It is also not kind to com- ment on the eccentricities or the appearance of any member of an audience in any but the discreetest whis- pers, and there is something less than common courtesy displayed by the man or woman who, glass to the eyes, stares repeatedly at a box or row of strangers in mere idle ctiriosity. As a rule, a gentleman, on giving his seat checks to an usher, allows the women of his party to pass first down the aisle immediately behind the attendant. When a 286 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage man and woman attend the play together and one of their seats is on the aisle end the lady leaves this for her companion. When a party of fotir or five attends the play or opera, a concert Entering a 1 ii 1 V- 1 playhouse or lecture, all the women pass first down the aisle. The host at a theatre party made up of masculine friends follows his guests down the aisle. The hostess of a party of women only observes the same etiquette, but when a lady gives a party made up of friends of both sexes, she allows her masculine guests to follow her, and she leads the women to the seats or the box she has piurchased. At the play or at the opera, it is grossly rude and sel- fish to leave one's seat, unless it is an end one on an aisle, more than once. To require from four to twenty per- sons to rise and make a path for egress and again for ingress is to request a great favor indeed. To do so more than once is to assimie an impardonable Hberty. In this respect men are the chief offenders, and ruth- lessly, between every act, they incommode many of their neighbors in order to gratify an idle restlessness. A man who accompanies ladies to the play or opera is privileged to leave them once, perhaps, if they are his very near relatives, but the man who plays host in a crowded auditoriiom to one or two women friends, and asks to be excused between every act, is guilty of marked neglect toward his guests and of a rudeness which sensitive women will be slow to forgive. Well-bred persons whose movements in a theatre or opera-house necessitate the temporary inconvenience of strangers will not fail to show their recognition of a favor received, by saying to those who amiably make a way for a passage between close-set chairs: " Thank you, " — or Public Entertainments 287 " You are very kind." As the last act of a play draws toward its close, many women follow an inconsiderate habit of beginning to bustle about in search of belongings. Hats are pinned on with a rustle, arms are thrust high in the air in the effort of their owners to assume coats and cloaks, and the whole finale of an important scene is thus sometimes quite spoiled for those who wish to hear the actors to the end. Unless there is a train to catch or an impor- tant engagement to keep, or unless one's seats are in the last row of the orchestra or gallery, common considera- tion for others requires that attention be given to the stage doings until the curtain is about to fall for the last time. A man who attends the theatre alone, with an inti- mate friend of his own sex, or in the company of the ladies of his family, and whose seat is bordering on an aisle, is quite privileged to move about a play- or opera- house between the acts in order to speak to and chat with acquaintances. This is a habit more freely prac- tised at the opera than at the theatre, and the majority of short calls are paid on those who occupy boxes. The boxes at the theatre, where the intermissions are shorter than at musical entertainments, and where the boxes themselves are smaller as a rule, do not permit of admission of many persons beside the members of its own party. Consequently, when a man moves about a playhouse to speak to friends, he stops only to chat to those who occupy seats on, or very near, the aisle. Where ladies are included in a group in an opera box they are given their choice of seats in the front of the enclosure. If a man asks a woman friend to attend either opera or theatre as his guest, he is obHged, by 288 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage the laws of wise Mrs. Grundy, to provide a chaperon, if lie elects to take his companion into a box. This rule obtains if the lady is young or elderly. Opera-box married or single, and if she is not his «tiguette , . , . , . , i . near relation. A married woman with her husband, or her spinster sister, or a young lady friend, may be invited to occupy a box at the play or opera as the guest of a single man, but only in purely bohe- mian circles, and only when the lady is decidedly venerable in appearance, does she sit through any entertainment in a box along with a man who is not her near relation. When a party of men and women witness a drama, musical or otherwise, or hearken to a concert, a reading, or a variety performance from the vantage-point of a box, the men of the group have the privilege, after the first intermission, to go out into the corridors to smoke or into other boxes to greet their friends. At an opera- house, women also are privileged to visit from box to box, but this course they pursue only when they wish to speak to very intimate women friends. A lady from the gallery or orchestra chairs does not often leave her seat to pay calls in boxes. Men do so freely and fre- quently. Many a man refrains, through delicacy, from presuming to present himself at the door of a box the acquaintance of whose host and hostess he does not claim. When in doubt as to the propriety of entering a box among whose occupants is a woman friend to whom he wishes to speak, a gentleman is privileged to write in pencil on his visiting-card a few words asking her permission to caU upon her. This card he should send her by the hand of the box attendant, inscribing on its blank side the name of the lady for whom it is meant. Public Entertainments 289 Ordinarily, though, when a gentleman at the opera recognizes in a box a feminine acquaintance with whom he desires conversation, he unhesitatingly presents him- self, without preliminary of any sort, at the door of the loge. It is never correct to enter a box without first knocking, and it is not in good taste to linger after the curtain has risen at the end of the intermission. As the overture to another act begins, the caller should rise and bow himself out. Except in the case of intimate friends, a caU in the entr'acte should not be repeated, and when the box is quite full it is most inconsiderate to prolong a caU beyond a few moments and the ex- change of a few words. When a lady, be she hostess or guest, in an opera box receives a caller, she should rise immediately and offer her hand. If a hostess, she introduces the caller to those others present to whom the newcomer may be a stranger. If a guest, she immediately introduces the caUer to her hostess and host before presenting hkn to her feUow- guests. An occasion to venture so far may arise when, con- sciously or unconsciously, a stranger and neighbor is causing any aimoyance or inconvenience. Thus, at a musical entertainment a ^ ^^ ^}° . strangers at the thoughtlessly noisy person may be re- theatre minded of his duty to others by a slight hushing soiind, made very gently. When this hint fails to take effect, it is permissible to lean toward the offender and say in a polite tone : "My attention is very easily distracted by little noises, and I am going to ask you as a favor not to talk (or whisper, or beat time, or rustle your programme) while the orchestra is playing." 2go Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e By means of another and sometimes more effective cotirse, that of appealing to an attendant, a troublesome individual may be silenced. But, as a rule, it is most effective for a protest to be offered in person by the in- dividual most inconvenienced. If the request for silence and attention is offered politely and gently, yet firmly, there are few who wUl refuse to grant its terms. A species of bad feeling between feUow-auditors is frequently created by voUeys of angry glances cast over the shoulder at a reckless whisperer or wriggler. These, when disregarded, are often followed by sharp hissing, and finally an irate insistence on silence. A surer and pleasanter result is secured by not beginning on the angry note. This was demonstrated not long ago by a gentle and extremely tactfiil lady who suffered from the continued whispering of a young man and his feminine companion, seated immediately behind her. Instead of ttuning a bold or fiuious flash of the eyes upon them, she caught the glance of the girl offender, smiled, put her forefinger to her lips, and whispered the words, "Please, please." The conse- quences were dehghtful, for, though the girl flushed and held her tongue and checked her companion, she was not irritated by the rebuke. In the intermission she bent forward and apologized, and in return received charming thanks for her immediate compliance with the favor asked. Similarly, at the theatre, strangers, more often through sheer thoughtlessness than selfishness, cause their neighbors to be inconvenienced, and they resent, in consequence, a harsh protest against their careless- ness. To ask a lady to remove her obstructing hat, or request a gentleman not to roll up his overcoat and, by Public Entertainments 291 sitting on it, unjustly elevate his shoulders above those of his neighbors, is an easy matter leading to no acrimony or reprisals when the demand for concessions is made in a Idndly and not in an exasperated, imperative tone. While it is legitimate to say: "Madam, I must beg you to remove your hat, " it is in every way more successful to make the same demand in this form : "/ am so sorry to inconvenience you, but as I cannot see the stage I am going to ask you as a great kindness to take off your hat. " An appeal in these circumstances goes farther than a demand and, by the same token, a careless person thus quietly brought to a recognition of the error of his or her ways gains much in esteem by ttuning to say: "I hope you will forgive me for having troubled you," — or "/ trust you will believe me when I say I had no idea I was annoying you by talking. " Where, at certain playhouses, provision is made for checking hats and wraps and a charge for the same is exacted, no cloak-room tips are required. „. _ .. ' 1 . - .,. . rr •> • Theatre-tips But if checking faculties are ofiered gratis, then those availing themselves of the great convenience will feel obliged to offer a gratuity to the careful attend- ants. A tip of ten cents for guarding a hat, coat, umbrella, and overshoes on a wet night is usually expected of a single man or woman. Two women for their outdoor garments and belongings would, however, offer no more than this together. For a party of four, five, or eight persons, twenty-five cents is almost the 292 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage recognized fee which the host of a group, or the hostess, should try to pay in the cloak-rooms for the respective sexes. An attendant in a theatre, opera, or concert- hall dressing-room expects a tip of certainly not less than ten cents when repairs have been offered to an individual's injured toilet, or restoratives appUed to a victim of faintness. When the aid of an outdoor attendant is evoked for the calling of a conveyance, at least fifteen cents should be dropped into his hand. A theatre usher or a box attendant may be tipped when his special aid is evoked in securing a programme, a glass of water, in conveying a note or card, or in carry- ing flowers down to the footlights or behind the scenes. A box attendant at the opera, or the usher who takes care of flowers intended for a singer or actor, will hardly feel the extent of his services has been recognized by less than a quarter of a dollar. The rules given below apply with equal force to a concert, lecture, or reading, whereat a few friends are entertained. Such a party, when made EntCTtaining a ^£ young unmarried men and women, the theatre ot ^ ■^ ° ' opera must be matromzed by at least one married lady whose good offices the host or hostess of the occasion may claim by means of a note or call made well in advance of the evening selected. A theatre party may consist of from four to twenty persons. It may fill orchestra chairs or two or three choice boxes and it may or may not be preceded by a dinner party and followed by a supper. A formal and comfortable theatre party is usually an expensive entertainment and one that reqtiires careful planning. A box or seats may be ptu-chased for an evening's entertainment and the seats should be selected and Pviblic Entertainments 293 engaged far enough in advance to guarantee the choice of good positions and the grouping of the party in one row. At the opera, where orchestra and the first-gallery chairs so often command exorbitant prices, seats high up in the house, even in the very topmost balcony, may be reasonably offered a group of music-loving friends. This same economy in outlay is permissibly practised at concerts when, not infrequently, the singer's voice or the violinist's instrument is heard to greatest advan- tage in seats well above and well back from the stage, but for a theatrical entertainment the best places in the house should, if possible, be selected. A theatre party is a poor affair indeed if the guests are asked to chmb to the roof of the house, and, in consequence, it is rarely wise to purchase seats elsewhere than on the orchestra floor or in the first gallery. When a theatre party is inaugurated by a dinner at the house of the hostess, or at a restatirant by a bachelor host, the guests may reasonably expect that their transportation from the house or restaurant to the theatre will be provided. The women of the party have also the right to expect that their entertainer will see to it that they are safely escorted and transported to their homes at the conclusion of the evening's diversion. Consequently, in sending out invitations for such an entertainment, no assurance of the host's liability need be given on this point as this responsibility is fully understood. When a member of fashionable society gives a theatre or opera party, all those invited take it for granted that, in hired or private vehicles, their comfort will be prepared for. In very much less luxurious circles than those of our great cities, where eabs are plentiful and the expense of an evening at 294 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e the play is not considered, the giver of a theatre or opera or concert party may convey his or her guests to and fro in the street cars. The fares must, of course, be paid by the host, and all the ladies of the party who have not attended the entertainment under the wing of a brother, son, husband, or fiance, must have their safe escort home arranged for in advance. It is wisest always and most complimentary to give these invitations the note form, whether the entertain- , . . ment offered is that of the theatre, opera. Invitations to a , . _, . theatre party ^ concert, or a reading. The request for a iriend's company may be suitably put forth in some such terms as: Dear Mr. Swann: Will you give me the great pleasure of your company on Tuesday evening, the 24th, when I shall entertain a few friends at dinner and afterwards at the Royalty Theatre to see the new play Treasure Trove? We dine at seven o'clock at my house, and I shall hope to include you in oiu- party of ten. Yours very sincerely, Mary Blanke. or Dear Miss Roland: If you have not heard L in Tosca this season, and if you are free on Wednesday, the evening of the 15th, will you make one of a small party of six, including Mr. and Mrs. Ames, that I am taking to the Metropolitan that night? Should you be able to join us. I shall claim the Public Entertainments 295 great privilege of seeing you home at the end of the evening. Believe me, Yours faithfully, Henry T. Blanke. When an invitation to the play offers the hospitality of the table first, the giver of the party retains aU the tickets for seats and presents them in person on arrival at the theatre. When guests are asked to the play without any preliminary meal, then it is customary to enclose the tickets for their seats in their invitations. This leaves the guests free to time their arrival. If a supper is to follow the play or opera it is not mentioned, as a rule, in any invitation save that sent the chaperon, as it is essential that she should fully tmderstand the scope of the evening's amusement. A matron who purposes to give a theatre party in behalf of her daughter, son, or an tmmarried woman friend, suffices, of course, in herself as Xh.69.tre chaperon of the occasion. Should a bache- chaperonaee lor or spinster of any age purpose to give a formal party for the play or opera, to which young girls are asked, the prime duty, then, of the host or hostess is to provide, by the presence of a mature married lady, for conventional chaperonage. A young lady who attends the theatre under her father's, elderly uncle's, or married brother's escort may safely invite another young lady and a bachelor to join her, or a trio of young people, two of whom are brother and sister, may attend the theatre together. But a young brother and sister, both unwedded, cannot, on the strength of their relationship, give an unmatronized theatre party. 296 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e A married man is not, by the laws of Mrs. Grundy, per- mitted to entertain a party of girls at the theatre with- out his wife, unless one or two of the young ladies are his daughters. Well-conducted spinsters, whatever may be their social position, do not go to the play with single men of any age whose acquaintance they have but recently made. A young man who wishes to ask an agreeable yovmg woman to accompany him to the theatre invites her to name, or in Ms note of invitation himself makes mention of, a chaperon. With the reasonable Kberties that oirr young people enjoy to-day, it has become a recognized right of a youthful woman, past her debu- tante year, to go to the play, not only with a brother and young masculine cousra, but with a man friend who is of long-tried and proven good-breeding, and approved of and well known by her parents. But where such a liberty is taken, its great pri\'ilege is not strained by the venture of dining alone with the young man at a res- taurant, or supping with him afterward in a hotel dining-room. Should a dinner precede adjotimment to a playhouse, and should the meal be given at the home of the hostess of the occasion, its conduct, menu, serv- e ea e ^ ^^^ conveniences should be quite dinner and ^ , ^ supper sinailar to that observed at the ordinary formal dining (see page 169) . The hostess, however, does not allow as many moments of grace to tardy arrivals as she would in more leisurely circum- stances. Late guests are permitted to begin the meal at the course at which they find it, and, as a rule, both men and women rise simultaneously from the table at which they discuss coflEee, Hqueurs, and cigarettes Public Entertainments 297 together. The hostess's husband, if present, plays his part as set forth on page 429. If the hostess is a spin- ster or a widow, or if her husband is absent and she has no son to assume assistant duties, she places the second- ary masculine guest of honor opposite her chair and desires him to lead the way in and out of the dining- room. To one of the men of the party, if her son, husband, or brother is not present, the hostess gives the tickets for the orchestra chairs, or the box, which she has purchased for the night, and desires him to lead the way into the theatre. If carriages are provided to convey the guests to the playhouse, the hostess sets oflF in the last one, in order that she may see aU her guests comfortably from her door. When a dinner company is to proceed to a play or lecture in a public conveyance, the hostess, when no men of her household are present, ar- ranges beforehand with one of the gentlemen of her party to buy tickets or pay the fares from her own purse. A bachelor host, in similar circumstances, leads the way to his table with the accredited chaperon of the occasion and asks this lady to give the signal for a general rising at the conclusion of the meal. He leaves his chair to welcome all late arrivals, and in all other particulars he fulfills the duties of the situation after the rules just set down for a hostess. Should the dinner be given at a restaurant, and should the party be a large and fashionable one, a table in the public dining-room must be reserved in advance, the flowers for its decoration and the menu carefully selected, and in the main hallway or somewhere near the chief en- trance to the building, the host must be on hand to greet arriving guests. The giver of the party must indicate where wraps are to be laid aside and checked and pay any charges connected with this detail. When egS Cyclopaedia of Social Usage a delinquent for a theatre dinner, given at a restaurant, is a woman arriving alone, it is not considerate to leave her to look up her party in the dining-room. She must be waited for, even at the risk of delaying arrival at the theatre. A single male guest may be treated with less scrupulousness. Members of such a party, dining in the public dining-room, should, in no circumstances, go to table arm in arm. Whoever is giving the dinner leads the way to table with, if a host, the chaperon of first importance; if a hostess, with the masculine guest of greatest consideration. Name-cards and menu-cards are often most conveniently supplied at such a meal, and a generous host may add boutonnieres and bouquets for his men and women guests. When a private dining-room has been hired at a hotel, a small reception-room may or may not be arranged to open out of it. Here, or in the small dining-room itself, the host or hostess greets the guests who, in their notes of invitation, should have received a hint as to the floor and number of room on and in which they will be expected. A diimer held in a private hotel dining- room is in every respect conducted after the manner of a house dinner party (see page 169). Having arranged for a supper party to follow an entertainment at the theatre or opera, the giver of the same may plan and conduct the hospitable proceeding on the lines laid down for a dinner preceding the play. AH the guests may be invited to the house of the hostess and there regaled with a buffet meal of hot and cold delicacies, or they may be invited to partake of refresh- ments at a table in a gay restatu-ant or in a private dining-room. The restaurant supper is usually the more successful method of concluding a theatre or opera party. The host or hostess not only is obliged to pro- Public Bntertainments 299 vide for the conveyance of guests to the place where the meal is provided, but is wise and considerate in having engaged beforehand a desirable table at a popular caravansary. When the party numbers more than six persons, the host of the occasion does well to order the supper without special reference to individual prefer- ences, as much time is wasted and much confusion created in soUciting the wishes of many. Unless an elaborate menu has been arranged in advance, with the aid of suggestions from a head waiter, that host is well advised who commands a service of some assorted hors- d'oeuvres or a hot soup, followed by a preparation of lobster, terrapin, planked fish, or creamed oysters, game and salad, ices, and small French patisseries and Uqueurs, with coffee for those who may drink it late. A sparkling water and one wine are sufficient beverages to offer. The wine may be whatever the purse or convivial instincts of the head of the table may suggest, from light Chianti to champagne. Many a theatre party concludes agreeably at a restaurant with a hot oyster broth, broiled chicken, salad, and ice cream, or with a cheese savory, a very light beer, and a hot or cold sweet. For a small party, the host may wisely only leave every member to make his own choice of food, making suggestions to increase the number of dishes when the guest seems over-temperate in his selection. An invitation to make one of a party invited to participate in some form of public entertainment merits an immediate reply. An answer should be despatched within a few hours after Guests at the kind offer has been received, and it ^^^^^ should take the form of a note definitely accepting or refusing the opportunity offered. In reply 300 Cyclopaedia of Social XJsa^e to the usual note of invitation it is enough for its recipient to say: Dear Mrs. Blanke: Thank you so much for your charming invitation for Tuesday, the 24th, which I would have accepted with alac- rity were I not obliged to leave for one of my periodic Western trips on the 22d, from which I shall not retttm vmtil next month. Yours, with many sincere regrets, Edward Swann. or Dear Mr. Blanke: Happily I shall be free on Wednesday, the 15th, and am delighted at the prospect of seeing and hearing L in To sea. Yours, with all agreeable anticipations, Mary T. Roland. The theatre or opera guest shoiild, above all things, be prompt at any rendezvous settled upon, and, at the conclusion of the evening's pleasure, should offer the giver of the entertainment the heartiest thanks for his or her hospitality. It is not polite for the guest of such a party to criticize strongly the stage diversion, what- ever it may be, or show a languid want of interest in the singers or actors. A mascialine guest in an opera or theatre box may permissibly go out dining one of the entr'actes to visit friends in other parts of the house. But he must not venture to leave his hostess and her party more than once, unless the box is the objective point of callers from other parts of the auditoritim. Gentlemen members of a party seated in orchestra or gaUery chairs do not, as a rule, leave their seats iill the performance is over. As a theatre party breaks up, the guests must needs take formal leave of their host or hos- Public Entertainments 2>oi tess and express pleasure at the entertainment received. "Good-night, Mrs. B., and let me thank you for an evening of delightful entertainment, " — or " The play was charming, Mr. A.; it was good of you to give me a chance to see it in such agreeable circumstances' are sufficiently hearty and elaborate modes of expressing thanks for hospitality received. At matinee musical or theatrical entertainments, a man legitimately wears a morning street suit, his straw or derby hat, and waUdng-gloves. A Dress at theatre, ^^^^^ ^ Suitably wear a walking- opera, etc. ■' / 1 1 -1 suit, with a pretty fancy blouse, smiple walking hat, and white or light gloves. She may also, if she chooses, appear, in the seats up or down stairs or in a box, in elaborate calling-dress. For an evening's pleasure at the play or concert, morning or afternoon dress may be properly, worn by those men and women who do not occupy places in boxes and who are not guests of a friend formally enter- taining. Masculine members of a theatre or concert party should wear full evening dress. The feminine contingent wear such becoming and delicate frocks as they would receive in on their ceremonious days at home or in which they would attend large afternoon receptions. The feminine members of theatre or concert parties do not, as a rule, wear hats. At the opera, a man should always wear fvdl evening dress wherever in the house he may sit ; with the occu- pant of a box or orchestra chair this dress is obligatory. Women who sit in boxes, in the orchestra and front rows of the lower galleries, should appear in decol- let6 evening costtime; or hatless, elaborately coiffured, and gowned in full and fanciful reception toilets. CHAPTER TEN HOUSE PARTIES AND HOUSE GUESTS Even to an intimate friend, it is most satisfactory to ofiFer week-end or holiday hospitality in the form of a cordial note which states the dates on . °.TJ' which it will be convenient to welcome invitation her coming and speed her departure. A careful hostess, therefore, expresses her desire for a friend's company as home guest in such definite written terms as follows: My dear Miss Arnold: We shall be entertaining a few friends the second week in July, when our neighborhood celebrates the local yacht races and a golf tournament. Could you give us then the pleasure of your company from Sattuday the seventh till Friday the thirteenth? I can promise you at least two dances, plenty of picnics, and good golf and tennis partners. If I am so fortunate as to find you free for the above period, I shall meet you at the train' on the seventh that arrives from New York at our station at 4.10. With kindest regards, in which my husband joins, I am, Yours very cordially, Mary Blanke. The above is a type of note which may be safely employed for the purpose of inviting an agreeable acquaintance of either sex. For a friend of longer and 302 House Parties and House Guests 303 less fonnal standing the wording, while more familiar, would not be less precise in the matter of dates, thus: Dear Francis : We have arranged to celebrate Thanksgiving with a dinner, a dance, and private theatricals, and our company will be incomplete unless you are one of us. Cannot you run down on the afternoon of the 23d, by the three o'clock train, and stop over tUl Monday morning, when as you know, there is a good train at 9.15 a.m. We shall be grieved, indeed, if you disappoint us, and delighted if you write to say that Jack in his automobile wih find you at the station on Wednesday afternoon. Yours, as always, cordially, Mary Blanke. Not infrequently, when the hostess is in doubt as to the train or boat by which it will be most convenient for her guest to travel, she merely states the days for her arrival and departttre. In her invitation she asks for exact information regarding the guest's movements, — or, when her note is despatched for the purpose of seconding a verbal and somewhat vague promise of a visit, she has a right to offer her hospitality in terms which obhge the visitor to settle the important matter of dates themselves. Her note would then approxi- mate the following wording: Dear Mrs. Dale: We are hoping that you and Mr. Dale will be able to make us that promised visit in July, when, between the fifteenth and the thirty-first, we would be so pleased to have you appoint a Friday-to-Monday week-end suitable to your own convenience. I enclose a time-table and have marked the best trains. If you will let me know the day 304 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage and liour when I may expect you, I will meet you at the station. Yours, as always, most sincerely, Mary Blanke. When offering hospitality to a married couple, the note of invitation should be sent to the wife. When a brother and sister are invited, the note is sent to the sister, though of the two the hostess may claim with the brother a longer and more friendly acquaintance. If a lady and her fiance are asked to join a house party, the hostess must forward separate notes of invitation. When two sisters are invited, the elder is addressed by letter; but if two brothers are asked to join a gay house- hold temporarily, the gentlemen must be separately requested to grant their company. First and verbal invitations for a house visit must invariably be seconded or explained by a written docu- ment concerning the initial request. Thus Mrs. A. may have asked Miss B. in January to visit her for a week- end or ten days in June. Perhaps Mrs. A., at the moment of offering her hospitality, has entered into details concerning dates, trains, etc., but this engage- ment cannot hold with Miss B. unless, two or three weeks in advance of the June date, Mrs. A. writes Miss B. to reiterate her invitation in cordial terms, and states all the facts relating to arrival and departure very pre- cisely. Otherwise, a sensible Miss B. would not pre- sume to fulfill the promise given in January. A lady who well xmderstands her social duties, and who hav- ing asked Miss B. in January to come to her for a ten days' visit in Jtme, finds later that it wiU be impos- sible to entertain Miss B. diuing the time agreed upon, does not allow her first verbal invitation to lapse through force of her silence and neglect. House Parties and House Guests 305 To Miss B. she must immediately write stating her reasons for canceling or postponing her visit, otherwise Miss B. will have the best of reasons for entertaining a sense of injury received through neglectful treatment. When a hostess's husband, daughter, or other member of her household desires to offer a few days' hospitality to a man or woman friend with whom social or business relations are entertained stranger guest and with whom the mistress of the house- hold claims no acquaintance, it is the obvious duty of the feminine head of the house to second any invitation given by a member of her family with a special written bidding of her own. Thus, a lady should write a cordial note to her daughter's girl friend, asking her to join her house party or household for a few days, in spite of the fact that she may never have met the girl friend in person. Similarly, she would write in a friendly tone to Mr. A., a business associate of her son or her husband, requesting him to remain overnight or to spend one or two days tmder her roof. Or, with equal privilege of position, she would write and ask a stranger who is a friend of a friend already her guest, to join her household for a week-end or for forty-eight hours. A note in almost any of the above-mentioned circumstances might be modeled on somewhat the following lines: My dear Mr. R. : My son tells me that you are free from Tuesday, the nth, till Monday, the 17th, to join us in camp. Therefore, I write to second his ardent wish for your company in his sports and to assure you that it will give me the greatest pleasure to make the acquaintance of a friend whom Robert 3o6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e cherishes so highly and to include you for the time at your disposal in our simple woodland household. Assuring you of a warm welcome, believe me, Yoitrs most sincerely, Mary Blanke. or My dear Miss D : Could you waive ceremony and, overlooking my iU luck in never having had the opportunity for meeting you in person, join our quiet party at Garth, which includes our mutual friend, Esther Allen? It is upon the encouragement and assurances of Esther that I venture to make my request, hoping that her name and presence may serve as introduc- tion between us and as inducement to you to try our country qir and fare and hearty welcome on the 12th. We hope to be able to persuade you to stay with us until the 15th. If you are free to accept this suggestion for the next week-end, I can recommend the 3.05 train from town, which we will meet. In agreeable anticipation of your visit, I am, Yours cordially, Mary Blanke. The term "house party" is somewhat recklessly applied to-day, for the mere fact of affording hospital- ity to a few friends, in whose behalf no A modem . , s^ i_ ^ • j • house Bartv special programme 01 entertamment is offered, does not constitute a true house party at all. We derive the term from England, where its definition is afforded by a household increased by the advent of four, six, eight, ten, or even twenty gay guests, in whose behalf a process of active and continued diversion of a varied kind is inaugurated and main- tained throughout their sojourn. Thus, a hostess may House Parties and House Guests 30? entertain several delightfiol acquaintances without in any sense giving a house party, as the occupants of her guest chambers are expected to share in the family routine of meals and games and incidental pleasures. But in celebrating a genuine house party, a hostess is obHged to make special exertions for the amusement of the expectant strangers within her gates. The per- sonnel, as we may venture to caU it, of such a gathering is to a hostess a matter of first consideration. In high and fashionable society, the head of a hospi- table house chooses the members of her house parties with the greatest care: first, that they may prove congenial; secondly, with reference to their tastes; and thirdly, with consideration to the accommodations she has to offer. All these points should be deliberated upon as carefiilly by the generous, warm-hearted lady of unpretentious social position as by the ambitious member of so-caUed smart society. In this respect the most delightful tact may be dis- played. If the mistress of a comfortable farm, moun- tain camp, luxtuious houseboat, or spa- , 1 1 i i • 1 Selecting house cious country palace elects to give a real guests house party, she must so engage her com- pany as to guarantee the filling of her bedrooms with just the right number of agreeable personalities. Such a hostess is keenly mindful of the fact that crabbed age and youth are not sympathetic ; that learned professors do not relish being asked to try and amuse sport-loving misses ; that great literary or musical lions object to the society of non-reading, music-hating folk, and that, alienated friends, the disputatious, and the very delicate in health must not be placed in embarrassing situations. A hostess must not fill her house with gay girls and 3o8 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e provide for them no masculine tea, tennis, golf, and dancing partners, and she is obHgated to so arrange her programme of outdoor and indoor diversions that bore- dom wUl not have a chance to trouble her guests. All these rules apply with almost equal force to the house- mistress who asks a few quiet friends to her house for a week-end or ten days. She should seek, as far as pos- sible, to blend and balance the temperaments of her guests so that they find pleasure in one another's society. To-day the scrupulous American hostess provides for the friend under her roof spacious bedroom accom- „, ... modation. She does not put her visitor The ideal . , . , , , guest-chamber 1^^° ^ sleepmg-chamber over the noisy kitchen wing, next the nursery, or on the viewless, breezeless side of the house. The guest-room, if her house boasts only one, is always a choice chamber, quiet, breezy, and with delightful prospects from its windows. When there is only limited accommodation for friends in a hospitable home, and sometimes the spare room must shelter two persons, then the old double bed should be superseded by two single ones. Two persons only slightly acquainted perhaps and of fastidious habits do not relish the very dubious comfort of the double bed; and only when the preferences of a couple of guests are very well known on this point may they be expected to share a room between them. But whatever type of couch the guest-chamber provides, the quality of the bedding must be superlative in its excellence. The best springs and hair must form the make-up of the mattress, while the clothing should be the choicest the linen-closet affords. In England, there is an agreeable custom followed of asking a guest's preference for linen or cotton sheets, and providing House Parties and House Guests 309 according to choice. In carefully appointed house- holds, an extra blanket or a down-filled coverlid is always placed on the guest-room closet-shelf, with a hot-water bottle hanging near for the comfort of chiUy folk. For this chamber it is essential to provide such means of excluding light at the windows that those who find the early rising sun too strong for their eyes may enjoy protection without the exclusion of air, and without the annoyance of shades flapping in the wind or the teasing rattle of loose shutters. The guest- room bell, communicating with the servants' quarters, should be if possible near the bed ; a reading-lamp is a luxury appreciated by many, and the dressing-table must be placed carefully, with reference to day- and artificial light and to the demands of the toilet. In a double-bedded room, a tall, threefold screen is, a neces- sity for persons who crave as much privacy as possible ; and in such a room, when a private bathroom does not open out of it, the wash-stand accommodations should be made especially ample. To all the comforts cited above, many sensible host- esses add in every one of their guest-rooms a small but well-equipped writing-table and a loimge for naps and rest when the bed is in aU its daylight array. In each of these complete chambers a small case for books appears, and for masculine occupants a shaving-mirror and coat and trouser hangers are usually placed in readiness in the clothes closet. Prime essentials to the charm of a guest-room are its airy, sweet smell, the immaciilate white paper lining drawers and shelves, and window curtains that are as fresh as they are ornamental. There are ultra-generous hostesses who provide dress- ing-gowns and bath-slippers, all dressing-table imple- 3IO Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e ments, stamps and note-paper, salves, cold creams, rice-powder, and a host of other liixuries for the occu- pants of their guest-rooms. These articles of the toilet are not, however, essential. The average guest, unless baggage fails to arrive, prefers to use his or her own belongings, and the paraphernalia in some visitors' rooms becomes a positive nuisance. However, a host- ess is expected to provide a small fresh cake of toilet soap for every newcomer, the note-paper of the house, ink, a calendar, and pens on the writing-table. Addi- tionally, she is expected to see that a few flowers, preferably almost scentless ones, are arranged at least in one vase in the visitor's room ; that the water in the wash-stand jugs and the crj'^stal bedside carafe is sparkhngly fresh; that the towel-horse is fiUed with the best choice of hand and bath-hnen from her house- hold supply, and that nothing of her own or a former occupant is in the drawers or usurping hook or shelf- space. It is the polite custom for a hostess to meet a woman guest, whom she has never entertained before, at the station or boat landing. If she is not Greeting a new g^j^jg ^.^ ^^ gQ -^^ person, she should con- trive to send some member of her family as her representative, or, when no daughter, son, or sister is free to take her place, a capable servant must be instructed to give the new arrival every attention. From her home station, the hostess is obliged to provide comfortable conveyance for the guest to her own door, to tip the porter who carries the baggage from train to trap, and if guest or baggage fails to arrive by the train or boat agreed upon through correspondence, the hostess must accept it as her duty to send or wait for other House Parties and House Guests 311 trains or boats until the expected one arrives or sends definite word of postponed appearance. When the arrival of a man friend is expected, the hostess need not feel it essential to greet him at the railway station, but puts a trap and servant at his convenience. In the case of a young feminine friend who is making a second or third stay in a charming summer home, the hostess may wait to welcome her at her own door, nor needs he feel it necessary to meet a woman friend traveling under the escort of a son, husband, or brother. In aU such circiunstances, the hostess merely sends a vehicle to meet the strangers and provides means for bringing the baggage on with them. If a guest, who is also an intimate friend, finds it impossible to state the hour at which his or her train win arrive, and begs for liberty and informality in making an appearance, the hostess is not obHgated to call at railway stations or provide any transportation whatsoever. In the case of a formal house party, it is not always easy for a hostess to put in her appearance at railway stations; therefore, in fashionable society, guests are met at the station by the private conveyance of the hostess, whose weU-qualified servants take every pains to provide for the newcomers' comfort. As a rule, though, when a guest is a lady of mature years and a person of consideration, the hostess tries to meet her at the railway station, thus implying a special compliment paid to the lady's years, charm, or social position. In event of a large and fashionable house party, the hostess does not always appear in her own doorway to offer young, intimate, or mascuHne guests a formal and warm welcome: that is, when the newcomer's arrival clashes with an engagement which elsewhere claims her 312 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e attention and presence. The head of the house in such a case would instruct a butler, housekeeper, or head maid to be on hand to receive the visitor and show him every courtesy. In less fashionable circumstances, the hostess always makes it a point, when she has not met her guest at the railway station, to appear with gracioxis words and welcoming smiles on her own threshold. If the newcomer is a woman, and paying her first visit, the hostess accompanies her to her room unless the demands upon her time render this courtesy impossible of ful- fillment. In this latter case, she would entrust the guest to the guidance of a daughter or sister, or, failing their presence, to a capable maid. Usually the gracious hostess inquires whether the guest proposes to proceed at once to her room or join the rest of the household rotmd the tea-table or on the lawn before seeking her room. Again, a gracious lady, if the friend has come from a long distance and is weary, contrives to serve tea, or whatever refreshment is most desired, in the guest's room. A visitor quite strange to the house expects to be showTi to her room, to have assistance offered her in removal of wraps, hat, etc., to be given the location of the bathroom, and to have a pitcher of hot water placed on her wash-stand. In well-appointed households, the guest's baggage is not only brought to her room at once, placed to suit her convenience, unstrapped, and unlocked, but a maid should appear to offer to unpack bag and trunk, draw a bath if it is wanted, and lay out fresh clothes. In quite simple households, where the servant cannot be spared from her heavier work to perform these special services, she merely unstraps the trunk, brings the hot water, and the guest may be left to her own devices for rest or toilet. House Parties and House Guests 313 To a mascioline %'isitor who is making his first appearance under a hospitable roof, no less cordiality and care must be devoted. The husband or son of the hostess may see him to his room, or, in their absence, a man- or maid-servant can fulfill this duty. In the case of a guest who is paying a second or third visit, the hostess after giving a warm welcome is privileged to say; "/ have put you in the blue room, " — or, " You will find yourself at home, I hope, in the room at the head of the stairs, where I think everything is in readiness for you. " When a guest is received at the afternoon-tea hour, and brought at once into the presence of fellow- visitors, the hostess places the newcomer near her, attends to his wants, and sees that he is presented to everybody. The hostess who is absent at the moment of a guest's arrival usually proceeds at once on her return home to the door of the feminine visitor's room and, knocking, gives greeting and makes inqtiiries as to her friend's comfort, etc. If a shy girl is her visitor, she would arrange to be present on the yoting lady's descent from her room in order to see that she is introduced, shown over the house, and given a place in a group of talkers or tea drinkers. To a man guest, she would, in the same circumstances, send a masciihne relation or a servant with friendliest messages and an appointment for a meeting on the lawn or in the drawing-room. Truly, in these initial stages of a friend's sojourn imder her roof, a hostess must be at particular pains to indicate her warmth of pleasure over a friend's arrival. Her duty is to show joy at the coming of the guest by word and gesture; her outstretched hand and close grasp and her verbal greeting should set the young and timid at their ease and gratify the sense of importance 314 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e of the older and more assured friends. The depth and pleastire of her sentiments she may convey by such simple phrases as: ''Here you are at last, Mr. A., and I am really so glad to see you," — or, "Miss B., this is delightful, indeed. I hope you had a comfortable journey. " No sign of cares, disappointment, private griefs, or troubles may be permitted to mar the hostess's smile or chill the warmth of her tone at the moment her welcome is oflEered; and in such circumstances to overemphasize her pleasure is a fatilt more readily condoned than that of falling short in spontaneous cordiality of expression. The giver of a gay house party must remember that the guests imder her roof expect to be not only well fed but weU entertained. In advance of house guests ^^^ party's arrival, the hostess must plan out a programme of amusements that will agreeably occupy the major portion of the time and attention of her invited household. Guests in a country house, if young and outdoor loving, can find plentiful means of whiling away morning hours on tennis-courts and golf-links, and if such means of recrea- tion are not at their disposal, then a croquet-lawn, boats, and canoes on the river, fishing, or opportunities for sailing, riding, or motoring, must be provided. A hostess of a house party must see that her reading- tables are supplied with an abundance of new novels, illustrated papers, and magazines; she does well to make a full-dress function of dinner every night, to provide music for dancing, and contrive picnic-pleasur- ing to points of interest, to the cotmtry fairs, and even to utilize the visiting circus and the neighborhood races, House Parties and House Guests 315 shows, and card clubs as a means of creating the cheerfulest of atmospheres for her house party. The most successfxil hostess is the one who usually plans the doings of every day some time in advance of the arrival of her guests and who is prepared with devices to meet the dread alternative of bad weather. She also is the hostess who takes a part in the diver- sions of her guests, or if she is too mature a matron for activity in sports, she lends to any festive scene her presence and watches the members of her temporarily enlarged household with covert but persistent attention. She knows what to suggest when breakfast is over, how to put up an admirable picnic basket and how to arrange her groups in a sail-boat or in her automobile, and when not to break up a comfortable card party for the sake of a sail or foursome at golf. Experience and intuition counsel even the most inexperienced lady to show always her guests her most cheerfiil expression; for the hostess who appears to be enjoying and not worrying over the responsibility of entertainment achieves half the success thereby of her undertaking. Whatever a guest says or does must never apparently dismay, anger, or incommode the head of the household, who should invariably give her most active attention to the promotion of the pleasure of her shyest, least popidar, or physically most delicate friend. Thus, in large outline, the r61e of an entertainer must be played. But aside from these essential duties, there are the following details that count in the making of a fine social reputation. She is that kindly lady who sends her own maid or one of her chambermaids around before the dinner hour has struck to knock at the doors of feminine 3i6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage guests to know if she may render assistance with a toilet. When there is no maid at all to perform this service, the perfect hostess makes her hostess °^^^ toilet early and knocks herself to see if she may aid with gown-hooks. The ideal hostess always learns in advance how her guest likes to breakfast and on what and at what hoxir. If Mr. J. takes his coffee in his room at seven and Mrs. T. prefers tea and toast at nine in the dining-room, the head of the house is at pains to assure this most impor- tant meal of the day a success for every individual. She makes it a point to discover if any of her visitors has a habit of eating this or that and of catering as nearly as she may to their pectiHarities of diet. If she is the mistress of a corps of servants, she sees to it that guests are not required to brush their own clothes or pohsh their own shoes. An accompUshed hostess does not force a guest to dance, golf, play cards, or go sailing against a covertly or frankly expressed preference ; and she never visibly takes offense. A visitor may be sel- fish, whimsical, exacting, and trying to the last degree, and her entertainer may resolve never to show her hos- pitality again; but as long as she is a guest, her idiosyn- crasies must be cheerfully overlooked, and never to another guest does the hostess offer any criticism of the erring one. The perfect hostess does not take sides in any quarrel or argument between two of her guests, though one of them may merit and possess all of her sympathy and the other rouse all of her animosity. Her duty, though, in such a case is to show only abso- lute impartiality and a sweet-tempered desire to forget everything after she has good-humoredly made enough of a diversion to part and silence the disputants. If a hostess finds that a guest has injured any of her belong- House Parties and House Guests 317 ings, used her fine linen towels for cleaning shoes, left her precious volumes out in the dew, or allowed the rain to enter by a carelessly opened window, she still has no excuse and no right to remonstrate sharply or to show any anger. To say cheerfully: "Oh, I am so sorry, for I know how much it worries you; but I hope you won't think about it at all, as accidents will happen, " is as near to a reproach as her good breeding wiU permit her to utter. And, by the same token, she does not permit herself to remonstrate when the unptinctuality of a guest interferes with her own convenience. Only when the pleasure of other guests is at stake is she per- mitted to ask her visitor to be prompt, remind him or her of the appointed hour, and, in case of need, leave a delinquent behind to follow on later, rather than deprive her punctual friends of their promised diversion. In- stinctively, the tactful hostess shows no partiality in the smiles and favors she bestows upon her visitors, and to the guest who is so unlucky as to fall ill beneath her roof she gives every possible attention. When a visitor departs leaving behind unpaid bills of the laundress, the druggist, or the doctor, the hostess wotdd, unless the account proved qmte large, discharge it from her own purse. But the paramount obhgation a hostess owes every visitor is that of maintaining a generous silence with regard to any errors of discretion or good breeding of which they may have been guilty while enjoying her hospitality. Some ladies, alas! understand imperfectly the self- restraint they should exercise in this direction. They do not quite realize how disloyal and how very unnice it is to talk over the erratic habits or trying fancies of 3i8 Cyclopaeclia of Social Usa^e one guest with another, and also how wanting in con- sideration they are to allow their children and their pets to render themselves nuisances to a visitor. In the children's eyes, a guest's room and belongings and habits shotald remain sacred, and if Mrs. B. is in the way of napping after lunch and Mr. A. Kindly pre- "' i-i- & ,. i , c i. cautions possesses very preaous golf -clubs or fish- ing-tackle, the mother of the Httle ones must remember to make the children respect the rest hoiir and the valuable possessions absolutely. Again, the hostess herself may wisely take pains not to over- entertain the friend who seems to enjoy a quiet hour or two writing letters, reading the paper, or doing fancy- work after breakfast. The average adult guest with books, newspapers, pleasant surroxmdings, a chance for fishing, reading, smoking, quiet play at tennis, or a little practice at golf, does not need to be followed up hourly by a hostess, nervously afraid of leaving her visitor alone. A hostess who keeps her guest right imder her eye is as mistaken as that careless lady who feels her duty to her visitor is accomplished in providing comfortable lodgings and a share in the routine of family life. An entertainer of the latter type runs out to her own dinner parties and theatre engagements, club meetings, etc., leaving her visitor to him- or herself after the best fashion available. This procedure is selfish and careless. A hostess may carry on the routine of her days without interruption, but her duty is to see her guest every morning and to make special plans and efforts for her diversion. Again, a hostess entertaining a friend who is an intimate is privileged to attend special social fxinctions in which her visitor is not included, such as a theatre party or dinner House Parties and House G\iests 319 party. In such circtunstances, and if the visitor is a young and cheerful person, the hostess must arrange for amusement in her own absence. A guest of gre- garious and gay habits does not feel her entertainer's departure to scenes in which she is not included if her hostess has remembered to ask in some genial folk to dine informally with her visitor, or if she has arranged for another member of the family to take the pleasure- loving guest to the play, a concert, a show of notable pictures, or even for a run through the park. If Miss A. or Mrs. B. has been invited to remain from the third to the fifth, or from the tenth to the tvi^entieth, it is kind and cordial enough , , , . . 1 , , Farewells and to express regret at theu" gomg when the ^^^^ day and hour of departure arrives. A hostess whose guest-room is free and whose desire for more of Miss A.'s company is a genuine feeling, expresses her comphment by asking her guest, at least twenty-four hours in advance of the date of her depart- ure, to prolong her sojourn. Only with intimate friends is it quite polite to insist upon a lengthened stay if the guest is obviously following duty's caU in leaving. It is usual and kind and complimentary to say the day before a guest's going: "7 am sorry to think, Miss A., that we shall lose you to-morrow, " — or " To think this is your last evening with us, Mr. B., is very sad, and our only consolation is the hope that perhaps we may be able to persuade you to come back to us again. " Whatever the claims and cares of a hostess may be, nothing should prevent her presence at her own door- step to bid the parting guest Godspeed. Only when 320 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e the guest is a single man and leaving at an early hour of the morning is there an excuse for farewells the night before. In the case of a woman's departure in similar circumstances, the hostess, unless an invalid or a fashionable person invisible before a ripe hour of the day, must rise and be on hand to see her on her way. ^lany conscientious hostesses feel that it is their privi- lege as well as their duty to see a woman guest off at the railway station, and this is a specially imperative obligation when the woman is elderly or very young and traveling alone. It is usual, nowadays, to send the guest to the station in the care of a capable servant, who looks after the purchasing of tickets, checking of trtmks, and handing of hand-baggage into the traveler's seat. Or sometimes the hostess's son or daughter pays the pretty compliment of seeing a woman guest com- fortably off at the station. All the cost and trouble of transporting traveler and baggage to the railway is the duty of the hostess, but it is not required of her to buy a ticket or fee a railway official. On her door-step the hostess must give her hand and a pressure of warmth and feeling when the moment comes for good-bys. To express a wish at this moment for a repetition of the visit at some uncertain futtire date is not necessary, and is mere hypocrisy if the hostess has no intention of offering her hospitality again. It is, in circumstances that have rather tried the hostess's patience, enough to say: "Thank you so much for saying you have enjoyed yourself. I hope you will have the most comfortable possible journey back to New York. Do let me hear from you when you are safely arrived. " Perhaps, more cordially, it may be said where real regret at a departure exists: House Parties and House Guests 321 "Good-by and good-luck to you, Mr. B.; I wonder if you realize how sorry we are to lose you, " — or "It has been charming of you to spare us these delightful days, Mrs. C; we only let you go, you know, on your promise to come back again. " Graciously a hostess always stands to smile her final farewell tiU the vehicle bearing the departing one has driven from the door. Some hostesses are agreed to allow their guests to fee as they choose or as they can afford. Again there is the lady who specially requests her visitors to give her servants nothing. Perhaps, according to the latest and best opinion on the subject, the gratuity in private houses should not be allowed, as in many fine and fashionable houses the tips dispensed by a guest equal the sum of a hotel bill. Then, too, guests, through whim or under the dictates of economy, fee the servants unequally. All this makes for a sordid and ugly ele- ment in hospitality, and if a hostess has not the courage to forbid fees to her servants, she should then take every precaution to see that they serve the lavish and the meager tippers aHke. For further discussion of the question of tipping, see page 330. In aU essentials the duties of a host are exactly those that have been outlined for the guidance of a woiild-be hostess, with such exceptions as must be made in behalf of the active business man ^^® duties of who cannot be always on hand to receive his visitors, to speed them on their way, and who natur- ally leaves to his women folk the domestic duties of the situation. But, with respect to his guests, he owes particular courtesies. It is the host who has a hand- clasp and greeting of warmth equal to that his wife, 322 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage daughter, or sister gives. At dinner, he recommends the contents of the cellar and ice-box, sees that his masculine guests are given what they Hke to smoke, and every evening at dinner takes in to table and places on his right the feminine guest who is the eldest or person of greatest consideration. The host has no right to look askance if a guest usurps his favorite seat in the sofa comer, seciires his favorite morning paper, rides his horse a little too hard, or uses his very precious golf -clubs. As is the case with the hostess, he turns none but the most agreeable side of his nature to his guest; obliges by a hand at bridge whether he Hkes the game or not ; leads the laugh at the visitor's jest, and foregoes his after-dinner nap when there are gay young folk in the house who wish to be diverted and need some one to help lead them in their amusements. If the host is obliged to be up betimes and away to his office before a fair guest or brave one takes his departure, he is careful to say good-by the night before in terms as gracious as a hostess would employ. A yoimg gentleman host in his parents' house, who brings a masculine guest home with him, makes it a point first to present his man friend, if possible, to his mother and then accompany him to his room. He sees that his friend's private comforts are assured, acquaints him with the habits of the household, and ia all respects shares with the hostess in all the duties relating to the business of securing the ease and pleasure of the visitor. In response to Mrs. A.'s verbal invitation to pay her a visit of several days' dtuation, Miss B. may give an affirmative answer, but thereafter, unless 'the visit fol- House Parties and House Guests 323 lows upon the very heels of the spoken request for her presence, Miss B. awaits a written guarantee of Mrs. A.'s desire for her company. This guar- antee is essential when two or more weeks . ^.^^ ° 1 , 1 ,,.,,. , invitations elapse between the spoken bidding and the approximate date set for the visit, also when Mrs. A. is a fashionable lady and given to lavish entertaining; and especially when no day, date, train, or hour was decided upon at the first mention of the coimtry- or town-house sojourn. If Mrs. A. and Miss B. are not on the footing of intimacy, and if Miss B. has never visited Mrs. A. before, the non-appearance, in good time, of a note verifying Mrs. A.'s wishes and making all the details clear would leave Miss B. open to accept other and more definite engagements. If Miss B. is an old friend of Mrs. A. and has visited her before, she wovdd, in event of not hearing in good time concerning the proposed hostess's wishes, be justified in writing Mrs. A. a friendly note asking if the invitation is still open, requesting verifications of dates and trains, and frankly suggesting that if events have occurred to make the visit inconvenient another date in a vague future can be later on arranged. But, for the sake of elucidating aU the possible phases of the situation between hostess and guest, let us suppose that Miss B. has been invited to visit Mrs. A., whom she does not know and has never met, by Mrs. A.'s sister, mother, daughter, or masculine relations. "Tro^ - ^ionally. only, would she accept such^an invitatira upo n its complete au thorization, by means of a letter, UfamriMrs.-— Arr-sufestaiitiating and r^eaHng the preferred hospiiality made-in. her name. ~A written invitation to join a household for a few days or make one of a gay party requires an immediate 324 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e and qtiite explicit answer somewhat in the following style: Dear Mrs. Blanke: Nothing could give me greater pleasure than to come to you from Saturday, the seventh, till Friday, the thirteenth. I will take the 3.10 from New York as you suggest, and hope to appear promptly at the Briarwood station and bring with me my best form at golf and tennis, in which I have been having some good practice lately. With many thanks for your charming invitation and kindest regards for yourself and Mr. Blanke, I am, Yotirs cordially, Theresa Arnold. or Dear Mrs. Blanke: My husband and I will be charmed to spend a few days at your house. As you leave choice of dates to us, may we come on Friday, the i8th, by the train which arrives at your station at one minute after twelve? I think we shaU have to return to town by the ten-past-ten train on the following Monday morning. We look forward to a delightful week- end with you and a glimpse of your garden which, we hear, is truly wonderful at this season. With best wishes for yourself and Mr. Blanke, in which my husband heartily joins, I am, as always. Yours most sincerely, Ellen Dale. When, at the last moment, it becomes impossible to fulfill an engagement for a visit, or when arrival must needs be postponed beyond the day or hour set, then a telegram shoiild be immediately sent to the hostess, acquainting her of the change of plans, or canceling the engagement wholly. In the latter event, a note of regret and explanation must follow hard upon the heels of the wired message. House Parties and House Guests 325 To be a tactful guest is first and foremost to be a prompt one on arrival and departure, at meals, and on keeping such lesser engagements as ioin- . ^ ^.,. ^ J ^ • .1 The welcome mg a sailing party and turning up exactly g^ on the moment when a drive, a picnic, or a diversion of any sort has been planned by the hostess. A thoroughly delightful guest is one that is, or seems to be, easily pleased, and who apparently finds not one crumpled rose leaf in her days, or one moment boring, or a single dish tasteless. Sometimes fine instinct, but oftenest kind-heartedness and experience teach a man or a woman how to play the part of visitor weU. The experienced visitor turns up at her hostess's door looking beamingly glad to have arrived. In answer to hearty greetings, she says: "Oh, thank you, Mrs. A., I had a most satisfactory trip and I am delighted to be here at last. " Experience teaches such a one to go, as a rule, at once to her room to remove any dust or disarray occasioned by a trip, and, if the visit is a repetition of a former experience, she greets the servants with a friendly "How do you do, Mary, " — or "/ am glad to see you, John. " Concerning members of the family not present at the moment of her arrival, she makes inquiries. The visitor to a luxurious American home in these days, when every detail that may contribute to personal comfort is considered, will find her baggage not only brought to her room, unstrapped and unlocked for her, but a competent maid-servant wiU offer to unpack bags and trunks and dispose the visitor's belongings conveniently in drawers, closets, etc. A maid wiU also, at the end of each day, remove for brushing and refresh- ing shoes and clothes that are worn out of doors. In a 326 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e simple household where economy is the rule, a visitor, accustomed to being served at home or at the houses of many friends in this fashion, shows only common con- sideration by looking after the needs of her own toilet and by not ringing for the busy maids oftener than is absolutely essential. But whether in a luxtirious or simple home, a visitor of either sex may, by both servants and hostess, be expected to observe a routine of neatest habits in the use of the allotted bedroom. In the morning, before leaving the room, all the bed-clothes should be tiuned back for airing; soiled linen placed in the bag or basket provided for its reception ; the toilet table should be left quite tidy; dressing-gown, night-dress and other cloth- ing hung in proper places; shoes ranked against the waU of the closet, or set out in the haU to be cleaned, and the window left wide open to admit aU the air possible. Too many guests, indeed, treat the prettily furnished rooms they enjoy in friends' houses with a reckless indifference for a housekeeper's feelings. Fine towels are used to mop up water splashed on the floor or ink dripped on the fingers; curtains are twisted and knotted back to permit of the entrance of light ; precious bed-covers are inked or greased by those who write or breakfast from their pillows, and muddy or dusty shoes are flung about thoughtlessly on deUcately tinted rugs. In a guest it is courteous to interfere as little as possible with the habits of a household. After break- fast, unless some scheme of amusement of courtesy ^^ '^^ ^°°* ^° foUow hard upon the meal, a gentleman gives his hosts a chance to attend to matutinal duties bj'^ retiring to the library or veranda to smoke or read the paper, or he takes a turn House Parties and House Guests 327 about the garden. A woman who goes visiting should be provided with an occupation in the form of fancy- work or her correspondence. It is both selfish and stupid for a guest to depend every hour of the day on a host or hostess for aid in the business of diversion. Tactfully, visitors can look after themselves for at least an hour in the morning and again in the afternoon, leaving the hostess free to do her housekeeping, write her letters, and enjoy a kind of privacy on which no visitor should lay a claim. But no matter how inti- mately or how frequently a visitor stops in the house of a friend, familiarities that may prove irksome to an entertainer must never be ventiired on. For example, a neglige costume, battered footgear, and carelessly pinned locks are not permissible at a friend's breakfast- table; foods not on the table should not be asked for or should servants be given orders. It is a breach of fine courtesy to come to the friend's dinner-table in an xinrefreshed toilet, unless an accident has happened to delay arrival, and then an adequate excuse and apology should be made. No mistake is more grievous than that of entering another bedroom in the house without carefully knocking, or is it polite to make engagements elsewhere for meals or entertainments without first consulting the pleasvire of one's host or hostess in the matter. By the same token, outsiders must not be in- vited to call or to come to a meal at the house of one's entertainers unless one of the heads of the household has first been approached in the matter. Even the most intimate friend and visitor should think twice before offering to correct one of the hostess's children, before venturing to order for personal use the host's horse, trap, or motor-car, or even a rowboat, canoe, or bicycle; and a careful guest refrains from using, unless 328 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage warmly invited to do so, a private writing-table, a set of golf-clubs, a tennis-racket, a pair of overshoes, a favorite chair, or any personal belonging of any member of a household. To make oneself at home is to enjoy one's ease rationally, but it does not imply the taking of liberties, and that guest is asked oftenest and pressed to stay longest who has a realizing sense of the rights of others and a fine sense of delicacy in moments when intrusion and familiarity might breed the inevitable contempt. That, guest is also cherished and welcomed who is careful to return books to their shelves, papers to the table, and cards to their box, after using any belongings of the house. Again, the guest who is repeatedly invited is the one who assumes at least to be pleased with the efforts of entertainment made in his or her behalf. To try to enter into the spirit of any enter- prise, great or small, that makes for diversion is to show an inspiring zeal, for nothing is at once so cruel and depressing as the guest who is frankly bored. When excursions are iindertaken that necessitate the purchasing of tickets, the hiring of vehicles, and the paying for food, that guest is on the right side of behav- ior who permits the hosts to bear all expenses incurred. But the visitor who expects her hostess to pay for her laundry, her drugs, her postage, doctor's bills, or vehicles hired for her use in the ptursuance of her independent expeditions, is seriously in the wrong. A visitor must not expect or offer to pay for a trap hired to convey her from station to house, or from house again to station, when a country visit is made; or in the same circumstances for the transportation of her baggage. But in town the rule is different, and a visitor pays her own cab-hire and baggage charges, House Parties and House Guests 329 unless her hostess expressly insists upon defraying these expenses. Few American men or women have reached so European an extreme in luxurious living as to insist upon the presence of their personal maids or valets when visiting their friends. In Servants and tipping a limited social circle abroad, it is under- stood that those joining a large and fashionable house party appear accompanied by their own attendants, and perhaps among our most wealthy and fashionable folk this custom shows a tendency to naturalization. Country palaces are constructed to shelter the gentle- man's valet and the lady's maid, but in society at large a hostess does not include a valet or lady's maid in her invitation to a friend. If the personal attendant appears, the hostess has no choice but to seem satisfied with the arrangement, but a visitor to an average well- appointed household, however dependent on a servant- in-waiting, dispenses with the luxury while stopping in anything less than a very great and very sumptuous mansion. When the maid or valet is taken along on a visit, the employer must be at pains to see that the intruder imderstands his or her place in a strange household. The personal attendant must relieve the regular housemaids or footmen of the duty of impacking the employer's luggage, brushing and pressing clothes, cleaning shoes, bringing water or meals to the room, answering the bedroom beU, rtinning special errands, and keeping the bedroom in exquisite order. The valet or lady's maid does not sweep or dust the room, empty waste water, or make the bed, though a lady's maid might help the housemaid; but in all other details the 330 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e personal attendant looks after the condition of the employer's apartment. When the spedaUy attended visitor leaves a house where a week-end or ten days has been passed, the tips to the servants must be augmented to a point that wiU satisfy them for having looked after the comfort of a visiting fellow-worker. A tip must be also sent to that employee who keeps the servants' quarters in order, to the cook and the kitchen-maid, as all these persons have contributed to the comfort of the valet or lady's maid. The manner of a guest toward a hostess's servants counts enormously for or against the visitor's comfort and popularity in a household. No guest should fail to greet every servant with a friendly good-moming, to recognize with words of greeting those who have served in the house when a former visit was paid, and to make any request for a service in the pleasantest tone. It is not always essential to ask a servant to "please do this" or give a "thank you" for that obvious fulfillment of a duty. To say: "Mary, I would like a glass of water, " — or "John, will you take my horse back to the stable ?" is a command very courteously worded; but when a special favor is asked, the "please" and "thank you" imply nothing more than politeness requisitely ex- pressed between two human beings regardless of a matter of social position. When a hostess is so careful of her hospitable honor as formally to request a guest to refrain from tipping, it is nothing less than disloyal to her and subversive of her authority to bestow gratuities, unless a servant has been asked to fulfill many duties in the guest's special behalf quite outside the routine of recognized duties. Unfortunately, there is yet to be established a scale House Parties and House Guests 331 of rates for fees, and still more vinfortunately, by an tmwritten law, our rate of tipping in private houses as well as in hotels tends always to rise. Ordinarily, though, men are expected to tip more lavishly than women ; a married woman is expected to be more liberal than a spinster, and in a modest household smaller tips are given than in a great private establishment. An unmarried woman visitor, in a house where a cook and one maid-servant are employed, could safely, if considerate in her demands on the maid's time, offer a fifty-cent piece after a week-end visit. For a visit extending over six to ten days, a dollar is almost the recognized fee. In a home where a chambermaid and waitress are employed, both would expect a fifty-cent piece or both a dollar according to the length of the spinster's stay. A married woman, visitiag alone, would be expected to augment these fees by at least twenty-five cents, and a married couple visiting should exactly double them and send an equal sum to the cook on making a first visit. By some vagary of custom the cook does not expect to receive a tip from a single- woman visitor, or perhaps from a married one visiting alone, but she resents neglect where masculine visitors are concerned. In the case of gentlemen who come twice or thrice to the house, she anticipates a fee of at least a dollar. The only man-servant ordinarily appearing in most establishments is the one who does the shoes and house chores and drives the family vehicle. If he has done a young lady's shoes, set up the tennis-net for her benefit, driven her to and from the station, and carried her baggage up and down the stairs, he will expect fifty cents for the extra work her visit has cost him. Should she remain in the house a week or ten days, and should 332 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage he drive her about the coiintry, carry her letters to post, and drive her to church and the golf-liriks, her fee to him may well reach the sum of a dollar. A single man or woman visiting alone, or a married couple on a, visit, would increase the fee in the proportion as given above for that of a chambermaid or waitress. Two sisters on a visit wotild give their fees together, and to the maid, for a short visit, a dollar would be offered. For a longer visit, a dollar and a half might well be considered stifficient, with a similar sum to the man who serves about the house as coachman, etc. When private establishments conducted on an elabor- ate scale are visited, the whole series of fees enlarges in scope and increases in length. In the house where a butler, housemaid, parlor-maid, coachman, lady's maid, etc., are employed, a young lady, visiting alone, is expected to tip at least the butler, the maid who does her bedroom, the lady's maid who may aid her in making her toilet, and the coachman or the chauffeur who drives her about. The size of her gratmties depends naturally very much on the length of the sojourn and the amount of service received, though a kind of etiquette prevails to prevent the offer of anything less than a dollar to either chauffeur or butler. After a ten days' visit, a butler wiU hardly feel justly treated unless he is given two dollars, though to aU the other servants one dollar apiece may be safely tendered. A single man in such circumstances would not give less than a dollar and a half to two dollars, after a week-end visit, to butler and coachman or chauffeur. If the butler is assisted by a second man or footman, who assists in serving and valeting the visitor, then he, too, must receive not less than a dollar and a half. The housemaid must be given not less than that sum, and a married woman would be Hovise Parties and House Guests 333 expected to give as much to the butler, to the house- maid, and to a lady's maid. A married couple would unite in giving the butler, chauffeur, and all other ser- vants to whom they are obHgated just double the amount bestowed by a single man. In setting the items noted above, no attempt has been made to state the maximum but always the minimum sum, offered to servants. Tips to butlers have been known to rise as high as fifteen and twenty-five dollars, and to include never less than two doUars sent to the cook. In giving tips a visitor should be careful not to leave the matter tmtil the last moment. An hour before departure the bedroom beU should be rung and the maids asked for in turn. To the butler and chauffeur the fee may be handed on departure, as these are the servants who perform the final duties of seeing the guest off. It is not necessary to go to the kitchen or ask for the cook; her fee maybe sent her by a fellow-servant in a sealed envelope, on which may be written : For the cook, with good wishes from When a guest has been iU or on a diet and the cook has made an extra exertion to prepare special dishes, it is legitimate to ask for her, thank her, and hand her her fee. A visitor should be at pains to take his or her leave of every member of a household in formal wording, going about a family group the night before an early-morning departure and g^ saying good-by last of aU to the hostess. If members of a household are tinavoidably absent, then words of farewell for them must be left with some responsible person. 334 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e To a kind hostess there is no need to gush, but gratitude for hospitality received should be warmly- expressed. "I really want words, Mrs. B., in which to say how much I have enjoyed myself, " — or "Good-by, Mrs. A., I am in pleasant debt to you for a truly delightful week, " — or " You have been so charming to me and given me so mu^h pleasure, Mrs. C, that I am loath to say good-by, " are safe phrases in which to clothe the expression of thanks for entertainment enjoyed. Formerly, by the strict rule of good maimers, a departed guest wrote and despatched a little note of thanks, known as the "bread-and-butter letter" or "the roofer, " to his or her hostess immediately on reaching home, or at least three to four days after the conclusion of the visit. Nowadays, one is privileged to let a week, ten days, or a fortnight elapse before informing one's recent kind entertainer of one's safe arrival at one's destination and giving such other personal facts as are likely to be interesting to a lady in whose company some days of semi-intimacy have been passed. The missive may be a brief note of somewhat the following length and form: Dear Mrs. Blanke: You will be glad to know that I did catch the 12.10 at B. Junction and found my sister, as I had hoped, on the Empire State Express. She was deeply interested in all my news of the delightful week spent with you and could sympathize with my regrets at leaving so gay and agreeable a household as yotirs. Here the weather is cool and fine but one misses the wonderful sea breezes that seem to make your lawn their home. House Parties and House Gviests 335 Please remember me to all your household most kindly^ and believe me, as always, Yours cordially, Grace P. James. or Dear Mrs. Blanke: Before I set off for my six months in California I must tell you again of my pleasure in the recollections that are left me of my stay with you and Mr. Blanke. The week in the woods has braced me up for my journey, and I still dream refreshingly o' nights of rods and reels and rising trout. I am ventiiring to send Mr. Blanke a few specimens of the new flies in which he took so much interest. May they live up to their reputation and bring him good sport, and may I subscribe myself, Your grateftd fellow-camper, John L. Wood. After a week-end visit of an informal nature with friends whose hospitality has been enjoyed many times, or after an overnight stop, the complimentary note is not essential, neither is it essential to send back gifts in return for entertainment received. If a gift is ofifered by a visitor, it should be nothing more than a trifle — a book or a toy for one of the children. The gift that is costly may only be rightly sent after a lapse of two or three weeks following the conclusion of the visit, and when the visitor has stayed a long time or, overcome by iUness or accident, received very extraor- dinary favors at the hands of his host and hostess. Otherwise, the bestowal of some handsome souvenir, following hard on one's departure, smacks too much of a payment duly offered for favors accepted or serves as a crude excuse for discharging the weight of obligation. CHAPTER ELEVEN ETIQUETTE FOR SPINSTERS In this chapter shall be taken into careftd considera- tion the rules that especially relate to unmarried women of varying ages and social position who hostess *^° ^°* enjoy the privilege of what might be called "natural chaperonage. " By this is meant the absolutely motherless girl, whose normal ambition it is to play a graceful part in fashion- able society; the girl whose mother, because of invalid- ism, cannot personally guide and guard her daughter in her social career, and last, but not least, the woman who pxirsues a profession and yet very naturally desires to take her place as a hostess or invited participant in the world of gay yet ceremonious affairs. To aU unmarried women, young or middle-aged, who claim a right to a place in conventional society, the question of chaperonage is one of first importance. For the debutante, whose intention it is to take a prominent place socially, it is a matter of prime consideration, as during the first season she figures in the gay world her mother should be her constant companion. She shares a card with her mother, makes aU formal calls with her, and attends no big fxmction save in her company. But if, unhappily, there is no mother to whom she may look for chaperonage and, as a very yoimg lady, she is 336 Etiq-uette for Spinsters 337 called upon to ftdfill the duties of housekeeper and hostess in the home of her bachelor brother or her widowed father, she should, if she is a member of the fashionable world, be provided with a feminine com- panion of mature years. An intelligent girl who lacks the protection a mother's presence gives, at no time regards herself as endowed with a matron's prerogative or with the rights that are granted an unmarried woman who is laboring to earn her bread. Otu" American society is both free and generous. It does not deny its young feminine members any reasonable liberty, but in its conventional and formal social circles it still insists, and very rightly, upon the presence of the chaperon as a means by which great dignity and secur- ity are lent a yotang lady's position. It requires a girl who is well bred to treat her chaperon with the politest consideration, whether her social guardian receives a salary for her services, or whether, as a relative, she exerts authority by right of duty and affection. A debutante, during her first season, usually gives her resident chaperon the head of the table when she dispenses hospitalities. She would expect the chaperon to lead the way to table with the most important mascu- line guest on the occasion of a ceremonious dinner party. On the young lady's day at home, the chaperon rightly pours tea and receives with her charge. At a lady's luncheon, the duenna must lead the way to the dining-room and preside at the head of the table, while the young hostess de facto should be seated at the foot. A motherless girl hostess, who gives balls, dinners, etc., would issue her invitations in her own and her father's name, if her father is alive. But when a young lady is an orphan, she issues her invitations in her own and her chaperon's name, thus: 338 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage Mrs. Ross-Dolland and Miss Mary R. Blanke request the pleasure of your company, etc. During her first season in society, an orphan-hostess should pay all ceremonious calls with her chaperon and, if her social guardian is an aunt or cousin, she would, for many occasions, use a joint card on which her own and her chaperon's name appear together. When the girl is still under twenty-one and her social guardian is her relative, the names are arranged on the card thus : Mrs. Ross-Dolland Miss Mary Blanke If the yotmger woman has passed her twenty-first birthday, and her companion is not an aimt or cousin, the joint card would not be used. When a girl is companioned by an older woman, she rightfully expects her duenna to be invited to aU those functions where chaperonage is essential, and even if her chaperon is not asked, she has the right to claim her company and introduce her into such gatherings as require the presence of older women. By this it is meant that a girl may take her uninvited chaperon to balls and big receptions and aU public and bachelor entertainments, imless it is understood that the host or hostess of the affair has carefully arranged for the adequate matronizing of the occasion. When attending alone, or at the invitation of a gentleman, a concert, theatre, opera, a reading in hotel rooms, a charity fair, horse show, or races, etc., a motherless and fashionable young lady must always be accompanied by her chaperon. The only exception to this rule arises when the host of the occasion calls at Etiquette for Spinsters 339 the yoting lady's house to transport her to the scene of entertainment in the company of a matron of mature years, or his married sister, or distinctly elderly spinster cousin, aunt, or dignified woman friend, whose bearing and appearance indicate her fitness for the duties of chaperonage. Is it necessary here to state that a young lady who desires to hold an enviable position in smart, cere- monious society does not, whether motherless or not, go to restaurants alone with young men for any meal? If the member of a club, and desirous of asking a mascu- line friend for a cup of tea, her youth and position require that a girl be accompanied by a woman friend who has reached years of maturity, or by a near mascu- line relative. A similar rule holds good when a young lady, who claims membership in formal society, travels. Only in stressful circumstances does she cross the continent or ocean alone. We do not, in America, follow the Spanish law which says that no unmarried woman may go out unaccompanied whatever her age and mission. But for our young girls we still require chaperonage when a journey of more than a few hours is to be undertaken. A fashionable and quite youthful lady, who is obliged to spend a night on a train or boat, finds it always most comfortable and conventional to join a mature woman friend, or claim the companion- ship of a maid-servant. If her travels take her farther, she must needs be under the recognized protection of a near male relative or a chaperon of proper age and bearing. Between her masculine admirers and her chaperon, a motherless and fashionable girl is careful to see that acquaintance exists. She should, for instance, allow no yoimg man to frequent her drawing-room as guest and 340 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage caller who does not recognize and respect her duenna's position. Ftirthermore, she reqtiires her chaperon's or a maid's companionship when she gives sittings to an artist for her portrait or goes to a man's workrooms or studio for instruction in any accompKshment. As a rule, for the single woman of means and a fashionable social position, greater freedom is granted her after her first season "out." By lib^r^^ ° *^^ freedom we mean that she pays her calls independently of her mother or her chaperon. She asks young gentlemen to call when she pleases and goes out to afternoon entertainments with young men whom she knows very weU, tmaccompanied by an older woman. But at no time, and at no age, may a spinster woman who is a member of non-bohe- mian society claim complete immtmity from all chaper- onage. She may not, for example, go in the evening to the play, the opera, or a restaurant with a masctiline companion alone, unless she claims near kinship with him, or unless he is a quite elderly person, between whom and herself and her family a friendship of many years' standing exists. Even a distinctly middle-aged spinster of recognized social position observes the laws of chaperonage by asking a matron friend to join her theatre, or restaurant dinner party. She rightfully travels, if she likes, alone, with a maid-servant, or with another woman of her own age who is unmarried, but she does not pretend to play the hostess in her own home as though she were a bachelor, unless her guests are all of her own sex. If she is both an orphan and without near relations whose presence she may claim, her home parties composed of men and women friends are always matronized ; and when she gives a theater or Etiquette for Spinsters 34- opera party, a picnic, a restaurant dinner, or when she fills up her automobile for a brief tour, a matron is invariably included among her guests. The code of etiquette in the last twenty-five years has been veiy much amended to allow for the pleasant social existence of the woman who has ^ . ^ . -NT 1 The spinster her hvmg to earn. Nowadays, a young breadwinner girl may labor in an office all day for her , essential wages and yet share many of the agreeable social privileges of her rich and fashionable sisters, and in a tiny home of her own dispense delightftil hospital- ity. A woman so placed is naturally not required to foUow aU the laws laid down for chaperonage. Never- theless, she is not granted full masculine privileges. Only in the world that is absolutely bohemian does the self-supporting woman claim a man's freedom. The following, then, let it be clearly understood, are the conventions to be observed by the spinster who, though she may live alone and work hard, stUl enjoys a fellow- ship among the leisured members of formal society. For such a one who is new to the life of independence it is necessary, in explaining the broad rules of conduct, to begin at the threshold of her little flat itself. On the door of her apartment and over her letter-box at the street entrance, an unmarried woman should display her surname only. This is done where her home is not her workshop. If '^^^ ^^^i^ess woman's there are other persons of the same name hospitalities in the building, over whom confusion in floors and bells may arise for her friends, or if she works or teaches in a studio apartment, she displays her sur- name preceded by the initials only of her individual 342 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage name. By this means her identity is made clear to her friends, while, for strangers, her sex and unmarried state are qtiite immaterial. A busy worker who uses her home as a studio or haven of rest, and who does or does not afford a servant, avoids many complications by the use of a slip-signal in the main entrance-hall denoting whether she is out or in. This she should turn to suit her hours of ab- sence, occupation, or of leistu-e. But when a busy woman is interrupted at her work by a thoughtless friend, she is quite privileged to explain her necessity and cut the call short. To stand determinedly wlule the intruder lingers is no incivility after full explanation of the existence of pressing preoccupation has been made. For purposes, however, of enjoying her friends' society, there is every good reason why a worker in her small home should keep a reception day after the method followed by the most fashionable hostess. Her calling-card should correctly show her day engraved in the lower left-hand comer or diagonally across the upper left-hand angle. The demands of her "day" include free hours from about three-thirty p.m., a prettily arranged sitting-room, a few flowers, a simple graceful gown, and a tea-table not too lavishly spread. No service of maids is required when none is ordinarily at command, for pretension is always out of place in a usually simple environment, and cordiality and gracious sweetness of manner are the adequate compensation for grandeur. In addition to the reception day, a working hostess may give her little dinners and card parties, but when entertaining an assemblage of men and women friends, she cannot rise wholly superior to the claims of chaper- Etiquette for Spinsters 343 onage. If a spinster business woman lives alone, she does only justice to herself by asking in a married woman friend to lend dignity to her entertainments. If a matron is not available on an occasion when she asks a masculine acquaintance in to dine or to sup, then a woman friend who is not very young is correctly invited to make a third at table. A discreet spinster artist or author who lives alone does not allow her men callers to linger in her little sitting-room after ten o'clock in the evening, unless she enjoys, at the same time, the companionship of one of her own sex. She may reasonably permit smoking where her masculine friends are concerned, but by the decision of wise conventional laws she does not smoke herself or keep a supply of cigarettes on hand to offer her callers, or does she brew for the habitue of her little home any other beverages than tea, coffee, chocolate, or lemonade. To go beyond this point is confessedly to overstep the borders of wise convention and pass into bohemia, with which, in these pages, we have no concern or authority. It is, of course, quite impossible for the business spinster to deny herself all outside and evening recrea- tion for want of such chaperonage as the fashionable young woman requires and may easily secure. Her men friends, for example, are not always able to supply dinners and theatre seats for a chaperon, consequently it becomes the right of the feminine worker to go out to the play, the picture-galleries, concerts, and hotel dinners without an acknowledged duenna. Her pro- tection here lies in her own discretion in choosing to go only with young gentlemen whom she knows well and trustworthily. She does not dine out and go to the play with married men whose wives she does not know 344 Cyclopaeclia of Social Usa^e or on whose approbation or knowledge of the proceed- ing she may be confident she cannot count. When dining out alone with any man who is not a very near relative, she does not accept any beverages save mineral water, lemonade, or ginger ale, and at the end of the evening's pleasure she parts from her escort at the public entrance of her apartment house. After a play or concert which she has attended with a man friend, she refuses to follow up the entertainment with supper at a restaurant, unless a party of friends, presided over by a matron, is joined, and she does not go off for a day in the country driving, fishing, or boating, with one masculine companion who is not a near relative. She forbears to call at a man friend's offices or at bachelor quarters unless, in the first instance, on actual business bent, or, in the second, unless invited to join a party of friends of both sexes or accompanied by another woman. With regard to that side of her life and association which brings her into enjoyable connection with conven- tional and fashionable society, the business spinster, whatever her calling, observes the rules of etiquette just as they are set down for the leisured and pleasure- following members of her own sex. She is nattu-ally not expected to return the hospitalities of her rich and generous friends in kind, or is she required to call as promptly and punctiliously as those to whom social observances are daily routine. Nevertheless, within her reach lies the dispensation of many charming polite- nesses which keep friendly forces at work in her behalf. Once in a way she may clear off any sense of her own indebtedness to a very kind hostess by sending a gift of flowers at Easter, and a charming note and a few roses do perfect service for an impossibly expensive wedding gift, when some very wealthy but very sweet-hearted ELtiqviette for Spinsters 345 girl acquaintance of the fashionable world sends her a wedding invitation. A little note of good wishes and greetings at Christmas or New Year's wiU happily take the place of a costly gift for a rich hostess friend who already has more trinkets and treasures than she knows what to do with. These small attentions, allied to a careful attention to card-sending-and-leaving etiquette, are some of the simple means whereby a very hard-work- ing bachelor woman still keeps her hold on her fashion- able friends and is cotmted a welcome addition to many a charming entertainment given by hostesses of social place and power. For ftill directions concerning the calls an unmarried woman makes and those The spinster's she receives from her men and women friends, see Chapter Two, pages 66 to 71. calls and callers CHAPTER TWELVE ETIQUETTE FOR BACHELORS Society is invariably charmed and interested to be entertained by Benedict at his club, at the comfortable apartment he calls his home, on his yacht, receotions ^ ^^^ automobile, his studio, his house- boat, his woodland camp, at the play- house, and in the private or public rooms of a gay, well-ordered restaurant. Therefore, it behooves a single man to-day, be he a bachelor or widower, to know all the niceties of duty in filling the position as host, especially when his women friends are numbered among his guests. Now while the wifeless man most frequently and inexpensively entertains the agreeable members of his acquaintance at tea parties, he has not the privilege of announcing himself as "at home" to his women friends. He is not allowed the woman's privilege of posting his visiting-card to his circle of acquaintance and briefly indicating by a hasty word thereon that he is prepared and glad to see them on a certain afternoon. The bachelor is obliged formally to request the pleasure of Miss B.'s or Mrs. A.'s company under the formulas given on page 418, or he writes a brief note to every individual somewhat in these terms : 346 l:,tiquette for BacKelors 347 Dear Mrs. Blanke: On Thursday next, at half -past three in the afternoon, a dozen or more agreeable people have promised to come to my studio for tea and to do me the honor of viewing pri- vately my finished designs for the Twing Memorial Window. May I have the pleasure of your company and that of Miss Blanke on that occasion? I shall then be able to show you some of my work in which you have so flatteringly expressed your interest. Yoxirs faithfully, George L. Regent. ' or Dear Mrs. P. : Win you do me both the honor and the pleasure of chaperoning a small party for tea and music at my rooms in the Engleberg on the afternoon of Wednesday, the fourth? Miss Robinson has promised to sing and J., the pianist, is coming, so we only need your charming presence to complete our happiness. Yours sincerely, Henry M. Blanke. or My dear Miss R. : Mrs. Walter P. has promised to chaperon a small party on the afternoon of the fourth which I am giving at my apartment at the above address. I hope, by the offer of good tea and music, that I may persuade you to join us. Believe me, yours most sincerely, Henry M. Blanke. In a less formal tone, perhaps, a gentleman wotdd invite his men friends, and his invitations would be posted a week to ten days in advance of the day set for his entertainment. For a large reception, numbering 348 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e as many as fifty guests, a bachelor host wotild invite no less than two or three charming matrons, especially to grace the occasion as chaperons. He might "well ask those ladies to assist him in receiving, or invite them to officiate at the tea-tray, punch-bowl, etc. When he asks a lady to chaperon an occasion, she does not necessarily take active part in receiving, but during the afternoon the host must contrive to introduce to her all of those guests who do not already claim her acquaintance. When a woman friend or relative aids a bachelor in receiving, she does not stand near the door of his great or smaU reception-room, but a trifle beyond, and after the host has greeted the guests as they arrive, he says to each one, "Do you know, Mrs. A .?" On receiving an answer in the negative, his duty is to present the guest immediately, saying: "Mrs. A , let me present Miss A , " — or, "My friend, John B " Few bachelor receptions are large and crowded affairs, therefore the host seldom has need to maintain a fixed stand by his drawing-room door; he may be moving this way and that with the object of facilitating the pleastire and introductions of his guests, but as long as arrivals are expected he keeps a sharp eye on the door ready to advance upon the appearance of a newcomer and offer a hearty welcome with words and outstretched hand. The rich bachelor host of a splendid spacious suite of rooms provides all the comforts and conveniences for his friends as has been explained in Chapter 17, page 425. When a reception is given in a studio or where space is limited, guests may be invited to remove heavy wraps in the vestibule, or the one bedroom may Etiquette for BacHelors 349 be put in order to answer as a lady's coat-room. But for a big tea, or small one, a servant should be on hand to open the door and bring to the table fresh cups, hot water, or new supplies of cakes and sandwiches. At a small tea, the host always rises to bid his depart- ing guests farewell and accompany retiring ladies to the door of the fiat. A lady of importance and mature years should be escorted to the door of the elevator when she is alone and when newcomers are not claiming the host's attention. At a crowded and ceremonious reception, the host allows guests to take their departure without formality and at wUl, with the exception of those ladies who have aided him to receive, chaperoned the occasion, or otherwise honored him by some special service. Of any one of those he takes special leave, accompanying her to the elevator or even to her carriage door. Not alone by implication but by frankest speech does the bachelor host express his gratification to every woman guest for her attendance at his entertainment, in such phrase as: "Good afternoon, Mrs. J.; it was wonderftdly kind of you to come to this little affair, " — or "So sorry you must he off. Miss A , but I thoroughly appreciate your goodness in coming, " — or "7 am in such luck, Miss B , to have secured you this afternoon that I have no right to grumble at your going,'' — or "Good-by, Mrs. C , and thank you so very much for your charming company. " In taking leave of his chaperons or those ladies who have otherwise rendered him special aid, the bachelor host must be warmly profuse in his expression of thanks, adding to any of the above phrases such sentences as: 35° Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e " You have placed me under the most agreeable obliga- tions, " — or "/ wonder if you know how deeply I appreciate all your invaluable and charming help, " etc., etc. To these ladies it is a custom frequently observed by- thoughtful bachelors to present a bouquet on their arrival at his rooms, or, a day or two later, a grateful gentleman may send a box of flowers with his card as a slight but pretty expression of his gratitude for favors received. ^ Under the head of formal entertaiimients may be grouped such functions as dinners, luncheons, break- fasts, supper parties, and balls. In every enasmge j-ggpect the hospitable benedict prepares man entertains -^ ^ j- jr- formally for his guests, and diverts them, exactly as a woman wotild do in similar circum- stances. The exceptions, in behalf of a bachelor host, to the rules given in the chapters dealing with this subject have to do first with a detail concerning invita- tions. Never, in any circumstances, has a single man, or a group of them banded together for the purpose of entertaining, the right to use a personal visiting-card inscribed in pencil or ink; nor may a bachelor announce himself as "at home. " In event of offering any enter- tainment, elaborate or simple, the bachelor formally requests the pleasure of a guest's company or writes a brief note of invitation. Again, when a bachelor gathers a party of guests of both sexes for any festivity whatsoever, he invariably invites and secures the presence of one dignified married woman to chaperon the occasion. Even when a widower dines a party made up of married friends, one lady is selected from the others to sit at the host's right hand. Etiquette for BacHelors 351 and she is by the others regarded as the chief matron of the occasion. When half a dozen benedicts unite in giving a ball, they must select from among their acquaintance two, three, or four matrons of exceptional dignity to stand in a group just beyond the hosts and receive the guests and introductions to the guests. At a well-conducted bachelor ball, one of the hosts usually makes it his special business to present the guests to the group of matronizing ladies. Bachelors as well as matrons give house parties, take groups of friends of both sexes upon cruises, and the unmarried owner of a splendid touring- car is privileged to fill its seats with men ^^ ^^ house and women friends for a week's or month's guest run through otor own or a foreign land. Therefore the single gentleman who purposes to open the doors of his camp, his farm-house, his steam yacht, or houseboat to the entertainment of good company must comply with all the rtiles set down for the guid- ance of a hostess confronting the duties and pleasures of this proud position. But the unmarried man must observe one ride more than has been given for the guidance of a woman in similar circtimstances : he must provide chaperonage for his household. If he has no mother, married sister, aunt, or woman cousin on whom he can call for the matronizing service, he must then select for the post a matron friend into whose kind hands he may confide these duties. To her, as to a chaperon who is a relative, he must show really ex- quisite courtesy. She must be given the head of the table, her preferences and comfort must be consulted in the ordering of meals, diversions, and expeditions, and to her all guests she does not know must be formally 352 Cyclopaedia of Social Usai^e presented as they arrive. When a friend of a gentle* man serves as his yacht- or house-party chaperon, the host sees that on all festivities and on excursions she is iriade most comfortable, given a best place, and that her prejudices and strength are never violated or over- taxed. The host meets her in person at the railway station or dock on her arrival; he again accompanies her to the point from which her departtore is made and expresses warm thanks for her kind efforts. Later he should send her flowers or some other pretty tangible token of his gratitude. A bachelor host always meets his women guests at the dock or railway station nearest his house or boat. He also makes every effort to speed them in person on their way from such points of departvu-e. To his women guests he gives up the best accommodation his roof affords, and on a lady's arrival at his house, when no near woman relative is on hand to do the honors, he arranges for a capable maid to see the guest to her quarters and fialflll all her needs. A host takes his men guests who are new to his shore or floating habitation to their rooms, and in event of a guest's failure to supply his or her own fishing-tackle, htmting-outfit, tennis- racket, golf -clubs, etc., the host must needs come to the rescue as fully as possible, even at the sacrifice of his own pleasure. Concerning the rules of courtesy and consideration obtaining on a motor toxir, all that is essential on this point has been carefully set down in Chapters Fifteen and Eighteen, pages 393 and 448. The rules of graceful conduct for guests when enjoy- ing a bachelor's hospitality are very nearly the same as those followed in all other social circumstances. The Etiquette for Bachelors 353 exceptions that but prove the force of the usual rules for attendance at bachelor teas, dinners, house parties, etc., have to do only with women guests. A bachelor's invitation is as carefully t,achek>r^ter- treated as those issued by a hostess. A taimnents young lady asked to a tea, dinner, etc., given by a single man, does not need to be accompanied by a chaperon, as the presence of one on the occasion is understood. A woman house guest under a bachelor's roof must treat his chaperoning matron friend with great deference, and always at all entertainments, save big balls and receptions, given by an unmarried man, take her formal leave of this matron whom she need not thank for hospitality received. To this sometime representative of a hostess she may prettUy mention that the entertainment is successful and refer to her own pleasure thereat. A man guest woiild treat an accredited chaperon in these circiimstances with similar courtesy. Guests of both sexes express to the bachelor host their thanks for his hospitality. After a house party, cruise, tour, or sojourn in a bachelor's camp, it is the duty of guests on their rettun home to write to the host a polite Httle note. See Chapter Ten, page 334, for models appropriate to such occasions. A lady does not pay any duty-caUs on her bachelor host after being entertained by him in any way. A gentleman shotild, however, try to show this courtesy to a man friend who had dined him or offered him anything more than a sHght and informal hospitality. At a bachelor's entertainment, young ladies attending alone do not remain in the gentleman's rooms after the chaperons have taken their departure. Usually at a bachelor's dinner given in his rooms, the younger 354 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage women wait for one of the matrons to rise before "offering to take their departure. A bachelor's Full instructions on this point will be calls found in Chapter Two, page 62 . CHAPTER THIRTEEN CHRISTENINGS If the rites of admission into a religious community have taken place on Stmday afternoon in church, the home celebration afterwards should be simple in the extreme. But the occasion ,„,„„„„„ r ceremony of the baptism of an infant may well be utilized by the parents as an opportunity for entertain- ing all those kind and interested friends who have showed the newcomer and its mother many pretty attentions and have sent in flowers and congrattilations upon the news of the safe arrival of the httle addition to society. When, then, an elaborate christening party is projected, a week-day afternoon is best chosen both for the religious ceremony and the social celebration, and the clergyman is then invited to perform the solemn rite in the home of the parents, iinless their creed requires appearance in a church. In the latter case, it is usual for only the parents, the sponsors, and a few near relations of the child to proceed first to the church. Upon ■'^ *'um of this party to the parents' home, a recep'^'^Vr large or small, is held indoors or out, the guest&,6'^'-,es*ng been invited to appear at the hour when the m^'^'isii.3 of the actual christening party have made their wsoOhftck to the scene of the festivity. There -i^ifio argument to urge against a baptismal 355 356 Cyclopaedia of Social XJsa^e celebration taking place before a large congregation of gayly dressed friends, gathered in a church especially opened for their accommodation. Ushers may, in such circumstances, receive the guests at the church door and show them to their seats. Every usher may, in the circumstances, wear a white boutonniere given by the baby's mother, or buttonhole bouquets of blue flowers may be worn to do honor to a girl baby, the traditional pink ones being adopted if it is a tiny boy who is to be received into the religion followed by his parents. Sometimes for a Httle girl's baptism a few young ladies gowned all in white and wearing bouquets of forget-me-nots or corn-flowers show the guests to their seats. A white ribbon, or a tinted one, according to the baby's sex, is then drawn across the central aisle at a suitable point for separating the pews reserved for the relations of the child from those occupied by its parents' friends. The ushers seat the maternal rela- tions of the little one to the left of the font, the paternal relations to the right. In such circiunstances the font itself shotild be prettily wreathed with flowers, all white, or white with pink or blue blossoms. The godmothers may be gracefully presented by the child's father with bouquets of all white, blue, or pink flowers ; the mother of the infant bestows on the godfathers their boutonnieres. At the conclusion of such a ceremony the group at the font passes out first; then the guests follow on to the home of the Httle one's parents where the refresh- ments are offered and the congratulations rad good wishes are expressed in the scene of a brigh' aception. A few directly interested p sons may A home , , , , • christening D® asked to appear at the r ^ous cere- mony. Later in the aftem* n the par- ents may stdtably hold a general receptic for all the CHristenin^s 357 members of their acquaintance. There is no reason why, if the parents so wish it, the rite should not be performed in the presence of all their acquaintances and friends. However their choice in this respect may- fall, the need still remains for prettily composing a christening group. Usually, for a home ceremony, the drawing-room is decorated in spring and summer with trails of greenery and wreaths and vases of flowers chosen from the field or garden. In the fall, splendid masses of autumn leaves, chrysanthemums, or wild asters lend beauty to the scene; and at one end of the room a table draped in snowy linen and holding service- books, a baptismal register, and a flower-wreathed basin of crystal, silver, or rare old china serves as the font. The clergyman, on his arrival, is, if he wears vestments, shown to a robing-room; the parents stand to receive all their guests just inside their drawing- room door, and leave their post of duty only when the sponsors, nurse, baby, and clergy arrive for the solemni- zation of the ceremony. When the rite is over, if guests are stiU arriving, the parents must needs go back to their position near the door. Sometimes, when the mother of the child is not overstrong, she receives seated in a large handsome armchair, wearing a beauti- ful diaphanous tea-gown, jewels, etc. Her husband stands beside her, or quite properly her mother or her husba d's mother may receive the guests at the drawia -room door, while near the draped table hold- ing t, g improvised font, the real hostess, comfort- ably -^ elegantly enthroned in a great chair, may receivv^Q^^ingratulations and compliments and good ^^^1^^^, -tisii Occi.,^. ^j^Jly, when the baptismal ceremony, at church a enir*^^^' ^^ been solemnized in private and is 358 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage followed afterward by a large reception, the whole groups of parents, sponsors, and grandparents stand to receive. Now and again a christening is held in the morning and is followed by a breakfast or liancheon party. Then at one table are seated the parents, sponsors, grand- parents, and nearest relations; at another table the remaining witnesses of the rite are served. Or, for a very quiet christening, the chUd's father goes in to one large table, seating the godmothers on his right and left. The baby's mother sits between the god- fathers, then the relations are seated in the order of their consanguinity. Again, it is possible and suit- able to invite only a few close friends and near relations to a church or house christening, and to offer cake and wine afterward in the dining-room. How the Proud parents, celebrating the initial public appear- ance of a first-bom with a rather elaborate christening party, issue engraved cards invited of invitation, or write out on note-sheets the following offer of hospitality : Mr. and Mrs. Duncan L. Rice request the pleasure of your company at a reception in honor of the christening of their son, Duncan L. Rice, Jr., on Monday, May the third, from four until six o'clock. 14 Oaklands Avenue. or CHristenings 359 Mr. and Mrs. Duncan L. Rice request the pleasure of your company at the christening of their daughter, Mary Lovejoy Rice, on Sunday, May the second, at half-past three o'clock at Saint Agnes' Church. And afterward at their home, 14 Oaklands Avenue, from four till six p.m. With such cards or written invitations a tiny slip of fine bristol-board bearing the child's full name in engraved script shoiild be enclosed. When such invita- tions are not sent forth, the bidding to a christening may- be gracefully given in a brief note, thus: Dear Mrs. Minor: Our little son is to be baptized next Wednesday afternoon, in the presence of a few friends and relatives, at St. Agnes' Church, at half-past three. May we hope to see you and Mr. Minor and Ellen there? Afterward we shall pledge the baby's health and future at our Langton Street home and shall be so glad to show you otu boy's gifts, among which yours has been greatly admired. Yours cordially, ' Mary A. Blanke. Cards or notes of invitation to a christening are usually sent out a week to ten days previous to the event. When only a few very intimate friends are to be asked, notes are most properly employed for the purpose of adv? i;isuig the occasion, and the mother usually mentioni that but a few are being asked, or that the chrisltening is to be celebrated quietly. When a 360 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage luncheon party follows the religious ceremony, notes are again the best medium through which to ask in the desired friends. More expensively and elegantly, per- haps, the specially prepared engraved card may be used, expressing the invitation thus : Mr. and Mrs. Duncan L. Rice request the pleasure of your company at the baptism of their son, Duncan L. Rice, Jr., at St. Agnes' Church, at noon, on May the twenty-fifth. And afterward at breakfast at 14 Oaklands Avenue. 12.30 o'clock. R. S. V. P. Godparents are selected for a child from among the relatives and very intimate friends of its parents. Two godfathers and one godmother usually e^onsors ggj^e for a boy, while a single godfather duties and two godmothers are chosen for a girl. Very often, though, two godparents of both sexes are asked to take the vows in behalf of a child of either sex. In due form and in ample time before the christening ceremony these sponsors should be asked to accept their responsibilities. The child's mother may call upon two of her chosen women friends, and request them to stand for her child at the font, with the husbands of the ladies serving as godfathers. But, because a wife is asked to act as a child's sponsor, there is no need to extend this compliment or responsibility to her husband. To ask this office of a slight or very CKristenin^s 361 newly made acquaintance is not proper, nor in the attempt to gratify the wishes of friends should the natural affections of relations be overlooked. When a mother cannot in person ask a man or woman to act in this capacity, her husband may do so, or she may write and prefer her wishes in some such terms as: Dear George: It is my very dearest wish, warmly seconded by Robert, that you shall stand sponsor, with Mary Bland and Henry Tring, for our boy at his christening, Sunday, the fifth, at three o'clock. With your consent we propose to have the child baptized as Robert Graham Blanke, which is a small compliment to pay so old and good a friend as you have always been. May our little Robert live to revere your good name and prize it as we hope he may honor and distinguish that of his father. Always your devoted cousin, Mary A. Blanke. or Dear Mrs. Blanke: Oiu little girl is to be baptized here at our home Thursday, the third, at three o'clock. We sincerely hope that you will consent to be one of her godmothers. My sister Janet is to be the other. Should you grant my wish and that of my husband in taking this responsibility, we shall be pleasedj indeed and feel that our child in you will claim the advice md affectionate interest always of a wise, strong friend. In ea-^aest hope of your consent, I am, as ever. Yours affectionately, Grace R. Rice. Wheniit is considered advisable to select as a god- parent seine friend or relative living at too great a dis- 362 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e tance to permit of appearance at the christening, another friend or relative is asked to appear as a repre- sentative of the absent one, and make the necessary promises and responses. The godparents are allowed to arrive by their own chosen means at a church ceremony, but, unless they are in ths possession of vehicles of their own, the parents of the child must provide carriages to drive them from church to house. It is necessary to give a friend or relative warm thanks verbally or in writing on accept- ance of an invitation to act as godfather or godmother, to introduce to them at the reception such guests as they do not know, and to accord them seats of honor at a breakfast or luncheon party. A man or woman invited to accept the duties of a godparent may call upon the child's mother to express gratification at the compliment, or may write in a simi- lar strain of pleased consent. So rarely does an invita- tion to this office meet with refusal that the terms in which its rejection should be expressed need hardly be set down here. The acceptance of a sponsorship may verbally be expressed by the phrases : "/ shall be delighted to act godmother to your dear child when you have instructed me in my duties, and told m,e how and when and where I am to accept them, " — or "/ consider it a great compliment to stand godfather to your hoy, my dear A . Will you say to your wife for me that I am honored by her request and hope to do my duty toward my future godson." In written terms, the acceptance may be stated thus : My dear Mary: Your kind note and the flattering wish it expresses has given me a most agreeable surprise. Of course i consent,. CKristenings 363 and most proudly, to young Robert's adoption of my surname. I shall be on hand at church or house, as you may direct, on Simday, the fifth, and my godson will never have reason to complain of a want of interested affection from his godfather-to-be. George D. Graham. or Dear Grace: How charming of you to wish me to be one of your baby's godmothers! I only hope my efficiency in that capacity will prove equal to the zeal and pleasure with which I pledge myself to a tie binding me to the little one's future. Believe me, yours, as always, affectionately, Mary A. Blanke. The appointed godparents are among those who send the little one special gifts and usually of silver engraved suitably with lettering that shows the names of child and donor, thus: To Rob- ^^ ert Graham Rice from George Duncan Graham. Christening gifts need not be sent from the friends of the child's parents on receiA^ng invitations to the baptismal ceremony or subsequent celebration. Many persons attend christening celebrations without offering any gift beyond a box of flowers forwarded to the mother of the child when the aimouncement of the little one's birth is made. The christening gift is usually an evidence of spontaneous generosity, and only when the festivities that accompany the religious rite take the form of a big general reception should the parents feel obliged to forward the donor of every gift a card of invitation. But whether the invitation is sent or not, ihe mother of the child should feel it not only 364 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e her duty but her pleasure to write and thank those who have bestowed great gifts or small ones on her baby. Her thanks and acknowledgments should be sent as promptly and expressed as gracefully as possible; and when a mother is not possessed of the strength to do so herself, she should call to her aid the pen of her husband or some woman relative. An expression of thanks may reasonably reach the following length: Dear Mrs. A. : The little blue-silk coat has arrived and met not only with a warm welcome from its wearer's mamma but apparently gives its minute owner a great deal of comfort and pleasure. A more dainty and becoming little garment it would be hard to find, and for my baby I send you many, many thanks. Yours cordially, Mary A. Blanke. or My dear Mr. Rogers: How very generous of you to have remembered our boy with that truly royal gift! The beauty of its design and decoration has inspired great enthusiasm, and we shall preserve it carefully after his baby days are over that he may hand it down to his children's children. In the hope that we shall see you at our little christening party next week, I am, Yours most cordially, Mary A. Blanke. That person who bestows a christening gift sends the chosen little garment, piece of jewelry, or silver, wrapped preferably in a white box and paper, tied with white ribbon and bearing a visiting-card, on which may be inscribed the words, To Master or Miss with best CKristenings 3^5 wishes from . The parcel is addressed to the child in his parents' care. The baby's gifts are sometimes displayed at the christening party in a comer of the reception-room or in another chamber. The cards of the donors are usually attached, and the Uttle display of pretty silver articles, linen, and babyish essentials and luxuries often proves an interesting feature of the entertainment. The manner in which the guests are received has been explained on page 356. Otherwise and with few dis- tinctive features an entertainment of this kind in a baby's honor proceeds by the ^ recep^on usual routine (see Chapter Seventeen, pages 422 and 425). The arriving guests enter the room in the customary fashion observed at at-homes of formal sort. But a point of difference is met with at the moment of greeting hostess and host, or the mother and father of the child. To the hostess a guest should not only say, "How do you do, Mrs. B.?" but may add: "/ am delighted to see you looking so well, and may I offer you my best wishes on this happy occasion?" — or ' ' I hope all the good fairies are in league in behalf of our new little member of society, " — or "Ah, Mrs. B., I have come to offer my welcome and good wishes for health and happiness to our new citizen. " To the father of the child, some such phrases suffice as : "How do you do, Mr. B. I wish to congratulate you on your new honors, " — or " Good-day, Mr. B. Good wishes for the young man and hearty congratulations for yourself. " K the child is on view at a christening celebration, it should be exhibited only for a few minutes in its mirse's arms. Guests may well content themselves with the 366 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e testimony of a privileged few, and accept the fact that the youngster is all that parents could wish. After a little, the sponsors may turn from the duty of standing in the christemng-party group and seek their pleasure in the dining-room where refreshments of the usual type according to season should be served. Additionally to the delicacies usual at a reception, champagne should be offered at least once all round for the purpose of enabling the assembly to drink the child's health, and a christening-cake ought to be cut by the baby's mother. One of the godfathers usually rises at an auspicious moment and says: "/ rise to propose that we unite in wishing long life, health, wealth, and happiness for Master Robert Graham Blanke, " — or " To the good health, length of days, wealth, and happi- ness of Miss Mary Ellen Blanke. " In assent to this the guests Hf t and touch their glasses, calling out cheerfully the words: "Good luck to him," — or "Long life and prosperity," — or "May her parents live to see her children's children. " At this juncture, the baby's mother usually advances to the head of the dining-room table and cuts a large cake elaborately iced and trimmed with emblems suitable to infancy and innocence. Occasionally, a large silver loving-cup filled with mulled wine or punch is sent round. It is customary for proud parents to present an officiating Protestant clergyman with a check for one of his charities, for a children's hospital or e c ergymaa pj-ggj^ ji^ Fund, on the occasion of their at a chnstemng child's baptism. Sometimes, a prosper- ous and grateful father gives his check to charity and Christenings 3^7 asks the clergyman's acceptance for himself of a newly- minted ten- or twenty-dollar gold piece. For the Roman CathoUc ceremony the fees are fixed, but over and above these charges happy parents may signalize the occasion by a special donation to some charity fund. As a rule, the oflaciating clergyman is invited to the christening festivity, a carriage is placed at his disposal to convey him from church to house, and to and from the house when a home ceremony is held. At an afternoon christening the men and women guests should adopt such chri'T ** * types of costume as have been described party as suitable for receptions (see Chapter Seventeen, page 437). CHAPTER FOURTEEN SERVANTS It is proper for the head of the estabHshment to speak of her women domestics as "the maids." She shotild not refer to her various feminine Some rules for employees as "the girls" or as "the a mistress i- j o dining-room girl," "the upstairs girl," etc. There are maids of all work, table or dining-room maids, sometimes referred to as "waitresses"; but she whose tasks are more particularly confined to the bed- room floor is specified as a "housemaid, " and the cook's assistant is known as a "kitchen-maid." That em- ployee in petticoats whose labors are usually confined to the Hving-room fioor is a "parlor-maid"; she who serves at her mistress's toilette as a "lady's maid," and the children's attendant is a "ntirse-maid. " Men-servants are referred to by what we might call their official appellations. Thus we find in an elaborate menage a butler; under him a house footman, some- times called the "second man." The valet (a word now anglicized; pronounced as spelled, and no longer given its French sound vaUay,) is a gentleman's per- sonal or body-servant; and that man-servant who appears on the box seat of carriage or car beside the 368 / Servants 3^9 coachman or chauffeur is called a "groom." All stablemen of lesser degree than a coachman or chauffeur are called "grooms." It is highly important for the head of any domestic establishment to remember that by her servants, their appearance and demeanor, her own temperament and capacities are quickly estimated. Instinctively one mentally registers Mrs. A. as a most indifferent house- keeper when one is confronted at her door by an untidy and not overcivil servant who obviously does not understand the duties or the manners required of his position. By the same intuition, we spring to most agreeable conclusions concerning the domestic governance of Mrs. B., when the door of her top-floor apartment is opened by a civil maid whose neat hair is crowned by nothing more than a crisp white-muslin bow; whose checkwork apron is concealed by a spotless white one, and whose demeanor is gently deferential. Manner, indeed, is as important to a servant as to those who occupy more exalted positions; it consequently behooves a mistress to teach courteous customs to her employees, who may fail to practise them more through ignorance of their existence than through any want of good will or good temper. In a house where one maid is kept delay is excusable ; but in one where there are several domestics, no pallia- tion can be offered for a caller's long wait on the 4oor-mat, and an answer to a ring ^do"^b u given by a footman in shirt sleeves or a caplessi, parlor-maid wearing her dish-washing apron. The trained servant answers the beU with an air of politest attention, and replies to questions from a 34 370 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage friend of Hs or her employer not with an abrupt " Yes" " No;' " I dunno, " but a civil " Yes, sir," "No, madam," "I cannot say, mudam," or "/ will make inquiries, sir, if you will step this way." If the ringer at her bell leaves but a message or a parcel, then the servant receives it with a "Thank you, sir," (or madam), and returns a pleasant good-day or good-morning with a "Good-morning, sir." Servants answering the door- bell should not volunteer a "good-day" to any save habitues of the employer's house whose friendly greet- ing they know is always forthcoming. In event of the appearance of an ordinary caller or a stranger, the maid or butler would wait civilly to be interrogated, and should always hold the door wide, inviting entrance for a friend or acquaintance of the employer before being asked any questions. At the conclusion of any door-step interrogation when a caller does not enter, or when a servant opens a door for the exit of a caUer or any member of the family, the rule of good manners exacts that the domestic stand by the open door tiU the departing individual has passed down the steps, into a vehicle, or beyond the entrance to the house. When the mistress of the house is not visible through actual absence or disinclination to receive callers, the servant's reply to such questions as, "Is Mrs. A. at home?" — or "May I see Mrs. A. ?" should be: "Mrs. A. is not at home, sir, " — or "Mrs. A. is ill to-day and regrets that she is not able to see any one, " — or "Mrs. A. begs to be excused, as she is not well enough to receive to-day. " When a servant is aware that a degree of intimacy exists between her employer and a caller, sHe may )i mt , sUe Servants 37 1 reply with explanations concerning inquiries as to Mrs. A.'s errands, whereabouts, or probable hour of return. But in circumstances where a caller makes inquiries and the servant is in doubt as to the propriety of satisfy- ing curiosity, the answers to questions should be brief and noncommittal, such as : "Mrs. A. did not leave word as to where she would be going, madam," — or "/ do not know when Mrs. A. will return, sir," — or "Mrs. A. left no directions, but I will take any message for her that you may like to leave," — or "Mrs. A. is out, madam; who shall I say called?" or "Thank you, madam, I will give her your message as soon as she returns. " In houses where the maid is carefully trained, a small tray is kept in readiness on the haU table. This the servant holds in her left hand on opening the door to a caUer. Upon this tray, and not in the hand, should cards or a note be received. When a caller is admitted, the servant should precede the new arrival to the recep- tion-room and hold back its door or curtain for the stranger's admission. If no card has been already proffered by the caller, the servant should say, " What name if you please, sir?" If the mistress is present in the reception-room and no card has been given hj the caller whose name is unknown to the maid, she should turn, just before reaching the entrance to the drawing- room, and say, "What name, please?" On opening the reception-room door or drawing back its portiere, or from a position just inside the threshold, the servant should repeat the newcomer's name as clearly as possiblfv and in a tone that will reach the ears of the mistress. Whefi a caller has offered his card immediately upon 372 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage entrance, the servant does not present the card to her mistress or master, when that individual is in the drawing-room. The card is, in this instance, finally- placed by the maid in the general card-receiver. If a caller is ushered into an tmoccupied drawing-room, the servant takes the card on her tray to her mistress. When the mistress is not able to go at once to the reception-room to greet her caller, the servant returns there to say, "Mrs. A. will be down in a moment,'" — or "Mrs. A. is extremely sorry, but the doctor is here to see one of the young ladies, and she will not be able to come down for ten minutes." Persons who maintain considerable domestic state wisely adopt the accepted English way of addressing nearly all their employees by their sur- address between names. Thus the maids, from the cook servant and to nurse, are spoken of and to as employer "Baxter," or "Brown," "Thomas," or "Raymond," instead of by the more familiar "Mary," "Jane," "Susan," or "Grace." This same rule holds good for the men-servants. While sometimes, in most elaborate and formal households, the maids are ad- dressed by their given names, a butler, coachman, valet, or chauffeur are never so spoken to or of. A butler is always "Brown," or "Mason," or "Harrison"; but a second man, or house footman, a boy in buttons, or a groom, may be addressed by an employer as "Henry," "James," or "John." J When servants are spoken to and of by their Christian names, care should be taken not to address thfe cook as " Mamie, " the parlor-maid as "Daisy, " the waitress as "Fanny," the coachman as "Jack," or "JinVC^iie, " or the butler as "Harry," or "Gus." "John," ''|ames." Servants 373 "Henry," and "Augustus," "Mary," "Margaret," and "Frances" are the more reasonable and dignified fornas of pronxinciation. Servants, on the other hand, when well taught, answer members of the family in which they are employed with "No, madam," " Yes, sir," in place of the rough " Yes," "No," or " Yes, Mrs. A.,'' "No, Mr. B., " and address even the five-year-old inhabitants of a nursery as "Miss Mary" and "Mr. Tommie." Boys and girls under thirteen are supposed not to need the formal title, but an intelhgent and well-trained servant sees no more ignominy in addressing a five-year-old child with the prefix "Miss" than in its respectful use with a girl of seventeen. On the other hand, servants, as a rule, resent the compulsory addition of the title of respect after some years of the more intimate use of the young person's name. A servant in a well-directed household does not say to her mistress, "/ saw your husband go upstairs, " — or "/ think your friend is in the garden, " but returns to a question the well-expressed reply: "Mr. A. has gone upstairs, madam," — or "/ believe Mr. B. is in the garden, miss. " By the same ruling, an employer does not speak to her servant of members of her family in the terms of the degree of relationship, as: " My son," or "My hus- band," or "My mother." A lady would ask of her maid concerning her sister or mother, "Have you seen Miss EleiJnor?" — or "Where is Mrs. A.?" Persons who observe the best usage speak, before servants^ of the heads of the house as "the master," or "the mistress." Thus, a young gentleman, asking a servant foT information regarding his mother or father, would '<5fe; \" Mary, how is the mistress to-day?" — or 374 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage "Mary, has the master gone out yet?" In a household where this custom is followed the servants are taught also to speak of their employers in the same terms. When giving an order to a servant, a considerate and polite person does not phrase the wish as though asking a favor of a social equal. By expression of face and voice it is possible to issue most pleasantly a command, such as, "Brown, I shall want the automobile at four, " — or "Mary, will you be sure to bring me my breakfast at seven to-morrow?" "Please " and " Thank you ", are civilities that may as frequently be used in verbal correspondence with ser- vants as with one's friends, when the servant has been reqtiired to give something more than her obvious and essential service, or when she volunteers a small and kind attention. Employers who understand the reasonable etiquette of their relations with their domestic employees do not correct their maids sharply in the presence of strangers^ or even of other members of the household ; they do not discuss one servant with another, or enter into heated arguments, joke familiarly, or indtilge in sarcasm at the expense of, and in the presence of, their domestics. Servants of every grade respect the employer who keeps her temper and dignity and assumes no familiarities. They do not very highly esteem the mistress who is either quarrelsome and sharply fault-finding, or who, on the other hand, is obviously afraid to correct and exact regular and careful fulfillment of their duties. f^ The manager of a great house which re- offidal quires the care of many domestics is or- housekeeper dinarily a hired housekeeper: s vvoman of mature years who possesses that knowledge (^- E domes- Servants 375 tic afEairs and that self -controlled and authoritative bearing which are essential to the maintenance of domestic order on an extensive scale. A housekeeper is usually a trained individual placed higher in the social scale than the average servant, and in order to hold the dignity of her position fittingly is not expected to sit or take her meals with those tmder her command. In a great mansion, the housekeeper is given a bedroom and sitting-room of her own, and through her most of the orders and admonitions of the heads of the house are conveyed to aU the domestic departments and employees. The housekeeper's meals are served in her sitting-room by a housemaid or kitchen-maid; her rooms are also kept tidy and cleaned by one of the maids. She is required to keep the pantry, storeroom, laundry, and wage-accounts. Her business is to hire, dismiss, correct, and generally overlook the house servants. It quite depends upon the butler's or cock's capacities, or the wishes of the master and mistress of the establishment, whether or not the housekeeper is to make out the menus and control the wine-cellar. Sometimes the butler is placed tmder the house- keeper's control; sometimes he is an official of special powers, limited to the province of the dining-room and exercised only over the table-maid and second man. However the authority is here divided or centred, the housekeeper is always held responsible for the contents and for the state of the linen-closets, the condition of the bedrooms, the appearance of the maids, and the behavior of all the women servants except the mistress's personal maid and the nurse-maids. A housekeeper should, by the servants and mistress and master, be addressed as "Mrs. A.," or as "Miss A." if she does not claim a matron's title. To her, an absent 376 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e master or mistress writes all orders concerning the house and domestic aflfairs. She, in the absence or the lUness of the mistress, may come forward to welcome a guest. In event of a grand house party she visits the guests' rooms from time to time, to ascertain that all comforts and service are provided, and she wears neither cap nor apron. Her livery, if we may so call it, is an invariable black gown. It should be simple, well fitting, and reUeved with crisp white neck-and-wrist ruchings for the morning. For the afternoon and evening the housekeeper ought always to wear black silk. This costume may not be over-elaborate, but shotild boast some trimming, and is appropriately garnished with touches of white or black lace on the waist. A housekeeper does not assume a trained skirt, gloves, or perfume, but she may at all times wear, if she elects so to do, a small, delicate, white muslin-and- lace apron, or one of black muslin and lace, fastened by pins at either side of her waist. It should boast no waist-strings and no bib. Many women of good birth and delicate breeding assume, by right of knowledge and gift for domestic aflFairs, the weU-paid duties of housekeeper in the estab- lishments of rich and fashionable folk. A director of household affairs then addresses all the servants by their surnames, speaks of the heads of the establishment as "the master" and "mistress, " but in her own inter- course with the proprietors of the house addresses her employers as "Mr. A." and "Mrs. A.," and not with the more deferential "sir" and "madam." When, in a house where no butler is employed, the parlor-maid serves as a table-maid, or where the woman engaged for service in the dining-room is also respon- Servants 377 sible for the upkeep of the drawing-room floor, she may be rightly said to be nothing less than a butler in petticoats. She then assumes the duties -j^^ duties and authority of a butler. She serves, and liveries however, at all three meals and puts her •>* vaaid- hand to the laborious tasks of sweeping and dusting, window washing and silver polishing, assisted thereat by a page, a charwoman, or a pantry- maid. With an assistant's help, a woman can accu- rately fill a butler's place and take all his tasks save those of valeting and occasionally appearing on the outside seat of carriage or motor-car. When a butler is employed, then the parlor-maid does the sweeping, dusting, much pantry work, and serves the breakfast. If a table-maid is the substitute supplied the butler in place of a second man, the pantry-maid or kitchen-maid does much of the rough dining-room work; and the parlor-maid aids in serving at the door, waiting at table, brings in the tea-tray, and keeps the drawing-room floor in a tidy state. A parlor-maid wears in the morn- ing a print gown, a large white apron with bib and plain shoulder-straps, white collars and ctiffs, and a small cap. In the afternoon she assumes a black gown of simple fashion, an apron with bib and broad shotilder-flaps trimmed with embroidery, white collar and cuffs, and a cap with or without a small black- ribbon bow. A maid who is in supreme command in the dining- room wears, morning and afternoon, a black gown, a large and rather decorative white apron, a coronet cap of white muslin, and stiff turnover collar and cuffs. A housemaid's especial care is the bedroom floor. In the morning she dresses in the same fashion as a parlor-maid; in the afternoon she should assume the 378 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage usual livery of black frock, large ornamental white apron, cttffs, coUar, and a cap with a black bow. In a house where two maids only are employed — that is to say, a parlor-maid and a housemaid — the latter may reasonably assist the first-mentioned in serving a Ixmcheon party or dinner party. The toilet of her mistress and all that concerns her special service are in the care of a lady's maid. She presses, brushes, cleans, and mends her employer's wearing apparel ; she draws her mistress's bath, cotmts and sends out her soiled linen, and restores freshly latmdered garments to shelves and drawers. She aids her mistress in dressing, runs her errands, and sews for her. A lady's maid must keep her employer's room tidy and dust it daily, but she does not sweep it or make the bed. That task is included in the housemaid's duties. The dress of a lady's personal attendant shotild always be black, but she wears niching in place of stiff linen cuffs at her neck and wrists, a very small lace bow on her head instead of a cap, and her apron is a small rounding one of white swiss with a bib but no shoulder-straps, and is trimmed with a lace-edged frill and one or two ornamental pockets. A nurse-maid may be required at all times to dress in white from her cap to her shoes, and this is a cleanly and proper costume in the summer and the country. In town, however, and indoors during the morning, a nurse may well be permitted to wear a print dress, a mobcap of crisp muslin, and an ample apron with bib and shoulder-straps. In the afternoon, on going out with the children, her dress is preferably black wool, a dark coat, and the simplest of hatS-trimmed with ribbon. In the afternoon indoors, the nurse's mobcap only serves to distinguish her dress from that of the other maids. Servants 379 Maid-servants shotild wear indoors easy, sensible, and silent shoes; they should not display jewelry or fancy ribbons on their liveries, or are they permitted the use of perfumes and to torture their locks into showy, exaggerated coiffiires. In few of the grandest of private establishments in America has that degree of state been assumed which requires the service of more than two 1 ^1 1 , Men-servants men-servants: a butler and a second man, in the house or house footman. In some rare instances the number is increased to meet the exigencies of great ceremony and the needs of the several young gentle- men of the house for personal servants. Ordinarily, a butler in a house where a valet or second man is employed gives no private service to the gentlemen of the household. That is, he does not lay out or press clothes, pack luggage for, or otherwise serve as his master's body-servant. When a butler is the only man-servant employed in the house, he may well asstune many of the duties of a valet ; but he does not, as a nale, do his master's shoes. This service ordinarily devolves upon the employee who supplies the kitchen with coal, carries baggage up and down stairs, and cleans and attends the furnace, etc. A butler, according to the strict definition of the word, is responsible above everything for the plate and for the wines. In its broader meaning the term implies a dignified man-servant who is in supreme command in the dining-room. He is responsible for the order and cleanliness here maintained, and for the prompt and perfect service of the meals. Usually, the sphere of a butler's authority extends over the whole of the drawing-room floor, and the parlor-maid and an 380 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage assistant waitress or second man are under his control. When a butler is provided with a man or woman assistant, he is not expected to sweep, dust, or wash dishes. He directs and sometimes lends a hand at the business of cleaning, but not to the extent where it wiU interfere with his immaculate appearance. At all times a butler should be prepared to present himself in unruffled order of dress at the door, or to his employers. When he is bent upon the business of putting an expert's polish on his silver, or upon the personal superintendence of a turning-out of pantries, etc., he must then see that his assistant, man or maid, is arrayed becomingly to appear on duty and answer bells. A butler ordinarily carries the keys of wine- closet and plate-safe; he helps to lay the table, arrange the flowers, has a sharp eye to the order and neatness of the main hall, stairway, front door, front steps, draw- ing-room, library, and his master's study. He is not expected, in a well-officered household, to serve the breakfast; a waitress or the house footman may here attend to the f anuly needs. In the earlier hours of the day, the butler consults the cook concerning the menus for dinner and luncheon, makes out his lists of neces- sary purchases, and oversees the opening, dusting, and refreshment of all the rooms on the floor where he rules. At luncheon the butler serves the meal, appearing at the family limcheon in black or dark gray trousers, with a high-buttoned waistcoat of the same goods, and white linen. His coat is black with round or swallow tails. If the luncheon is a ceremonious meal whereat guests are elaborately entertained, the butler must wear a complete stiit of black, the waistcoat cut low to show a fuU expanse of white shirt, a white tie, and a swallow- Servants S^^ tailed coat. This last-mentioned type of dress a butler always assumes after three o'clock in the afternoon, when he has not donned it for the service of a luncheon. He wears this livery for dinner and in the evening. A properly trained butler does not wear a white waist- coat, any jewelry, bright neckties, a turndown collar, and a flower in his buttonhole, patent-leather shoes, use perfume or carry gloves. The proper shoes for this functionary are of polished black leather and as nearly soundless as possible. White enameled studs and cuff-links take the place of jewelry. His watch is usually worn on a black ribbon or on a black chain. In well-ordered houses where the best domestic rules are observed, no man-servant wears other hair on his face than that which is close clipped and grown nar- rowly on the cheek next the ears. Mustaches and beards are not permitted, and every morning the house- men must appear freshly shaven. A butler, after three o'clock, in a ceremonious household, answers the door- bell. He also, as a rule, serves his mistress's tea-tray in the drawing-room. At dinner or Itmcheon he does not stand, when not actively employed, behind his mistress's chair, but in the rear of the seat occupied by the master of the house. This position is assumed to enable him to watch, not only the table, but his mis- tress's face, and note, by her slightest glance, when she desires a change in the service or wishes to convey some order. The butler who knows his duties well is usually on hand when his master or mistress descend to enter the carriage or automobile. He holds open the front door for their exit, carries down their wraps and, when no carriage groom is on duty,, aids in settling them com- fortably in the vehicle. He then stands respectfully at 382 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage the foot of the house steps tintil they drive away. He is again on duty, as his employer's carriage approaches, to open the front door, meet the conveyance, and assist in bringing in wraps, etc. When a carriage groom is at hand, the butler does not, at the departure or on the return of his employers, descend the house steps, but stands respectfully on duty bj'' the open house-door till the vehicle has driven off, or to greet its reappearance. When a butler is engaged to serve, at need, as his employer's carriage groom, he is provided with a coat, cap or hat, and gloves to accord with these garments as worn by a chauffeur or coachman. Seated beside the driver of the vehicle he fulfills, on afternoons when his mistress goes out for a round of calls, aU the duties an ordinary carriage-groom would perform (see page 385). Only in exceptional cases is more than one man required, in an American house, to give assistance to „ , the butler. There are great houses, how- House footmen , . r j • j- ^ ever, where from four to six footmen appear in magnificent liveries. These stately figures then wear their hair powdered, or whitened with powder added after a liberal application of grease; their legs are clad in silk hose and knee-long breeches of black or colored satin. Their long-tailed satin, rich cloth, or velvet coats are decorated with braid, and their feet are shod in budded pumps. These servants are purely decorative; are chosen for height, good looks, and an overwhelming dignity of bearing. To a great house they lend a special and brilliant air, and on reception days they stand beside the front door as the guests enter. At private entertainments they hand the dishes about, announce the carriages, and stand here and there Servants 3^3 in pairs prepared to give information or perform small services. There are American hostesses who, on their reception days, have one or more of such footmen on duty ; or in the afternoon the second man dresses himself in a very gorgeous livery and opens the door for callers, brings the tea-tray into the drawing-room, and otherwise assists the butler, who merely has an eye to every one's comfort and announces the guests. But the term "house footman," as employed in America, implies a youngish, clean-shaven servant who wears the same livery all day. This consists of a swaUow-taUed coat and long trousers made of dark brown, blue, or green cloth. The coat is decorated with brass or silver buttons on tail and cuffs, and the trousers are piped down their outside seams with braid or cloth of that tone which, in combination with the body of the suit, makes up the livery colors of the fam- ily. White Unen and a waistcoat of striped goods completes the costume. The waistcoat is usually made of a goods called "Valencia" and the stripes thereon, running in horizontal lines, show the two livery colors, such as green and yellow, black and red, or brown and red, in bright contrast. A second man does not display even the slight whisker allowed a butler. His face shottld be quite clean, and the rules as given for a butler concerning shoes, linen, jewelry, etc., apply as well to the house footman. The duties of this employee are performed in assisting the butler and fulfilling his tasks in his absence. Where there are gentlemen in a household, the second man may very properly do duty as a valet, and he may also act as carriage groom at need. Then he dons gloves, coat, and headgear to match those worn by the driver of the vehicle. 384 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e A man employed as a gentleman's body-servant wears no fixed livery. He does not don the colored suit of the second man, or the black a valet swallow-tail and low-cut waistcoat of a butler, unless, in an emergency, he is called upon to fulfill the duties of either of these male employees. Dark, plain clothes, a high-buttoned waist- coat, white linen, ties of the most sober tint, and an exceedingly sparing use of jewelry make up the costume of a valet. This servant should not use colored hand- kerchiefs, or wear patent-leather shoes, or venture in hot weather upon white linen trousers. When abroad with his master he uses a black derby, or black-banded straw hat, and a sack suit of inconspicuous color. The daily round of a valet's duties include the waking of his employer in the morning, the taking-forth of required clothing, preparation for the bath, and he should understand how to shave his master and cut his hair. A valet brushes, presses, and packs or unpacks his employer's clothes; he understands also how to put on buttons, make small repairs with a needle, and use cleaning fluids for slight blemishes. His business is to keep his gentleman's bedroom in rare order, but he should not be required to sweep or dust it. A valet should know how to bring up a nicely appointed breakfast-tray, serve a sick person, write notes, keep accounts, pay bills, purchase tickets, engage hotel accommodations, etc. Occasionally, as errand boy and as assistant to a parlor-maid, a lad of twelve to fifteen is employed advantageously in a private house. He buttons ^^ spoken to and of as "Page," or by his surname, and he wears a livery of long trousers and a tight-fitting, waist-long, semi-military Servants 3^5 jacket, decorated from belt-line to throat by a close- set row of small, round, brass or silver buttons. Beyond the cuff- and collar-edges of this snug coat a band of white starched linen should appear. Usually the page wears a line of colored piping down the outside seams of his trousers, which, in contrast with their blue or brown, shows the livery of the family in which he serves. Plain calfskin shoes and a round cap of cloth, matching his coat and trousers, complete his dress. A page may usefully answer the beU in the parlor- maid's busy hours, poHsh brass and silver, do the shoes and serve as a small groom when his mistress drives out to pay calls. On the box seat of a carriage or car he shotild wear a long coat over his house-dress, and a top-hat or a copy of the chauffeur's cap. Ended indeed are the days of the resplendent jehu, who, in magnificent gravity and with admirable dexter- ity, guided his handsome bays in jingling harness from the lofty and stately seat ^ ^°^'^ of his mistress's brougham or victoria. chauffeur The chauffeur has taken his place, or from head stableman he has wisely transformed himself into the capable commander of a private garage. No longer is it important for us to know how many buttons may suitably appear on the tails of a coachman's coat, and whether his boot-tops are best of pink or white or tan ooze leather. But the information that has value to-day relates to cut and color and trimming of a chauffeur's dress, which, in all respects, may be as handsome and as impressive as that worn by his horse- driving predecessor. In town and in the driver's seat of a lady's handsome car, the man at the wheel should appear in her livery colors : black and white, gray and 25 386 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e blue, green and yellow, or navy-blue and red, as the case may be. Kersey, cords, and meltons are any of them the approved material of a driver's dress, and he may wear full long trousers and a double-breasted great- coat, or his long coat may drop its tail about his calves clad in smart cord or leather leggings. The trousers, when long, show a colored line down their outside seams, and the coat displays cuffs and collar to match the piping on the trouser-legs. A visored, flat-topped cap, its head-band braided in a color to match the cuffs and collar, completes this kind of livery. A chatiffeur's greatcoat may fasten with large horn buttons of a color to match the garment ; or it may display silver, nickel, or gilt buttons decorated with the crest of the house he serves. The dress of a driver of a horseless vehicle shotild match the color of the car he controls when the owner thereof lays no claim to livery colors. When the chauffeur does not wear full long trousers, his leather leggings must be in brown or black to match his shoes, which should not be of patent leather. In winter, when the temperature is low, the driver of a car requires a long coat of goat, wolf, or pony fur, and a cap and gloves of the same. In summer he may be supplied with a long linen coat to wear as a dust- protector. An effect of great elegance is attained by the owner of that car which shows two men on the outside seats. The groom on an automobile dresses in exact imitation of the man at the wheel, and he is expected to descend, upon the halting of the vehicle, to ring door-bells, open gates, take his mistress's orders, assist her in and out of the car, and ask at doors if Mrs. A. or Mrs. B. is at home. This groom salutes his mistress by touching his cap before and after receiving her orders. When a Servants 387 groom is not employed, the chauffeur may reasonably be required to fulfill all these duties. If the automobile has successfully displaced the horse-drawn barouche and victoria, the mechanical power has not yet been discovered to a -j > effectually substitute the saddle-horse. groom Therefore, there stiU lingers in a comer of the garages of the rich, stalls for gallant steeds, and experienced grooms to serve these handsome animals. The survivors of another day wear in the fulfillment of their duties a livery consisting of riding breeches and leggings, with coat and waistcoat all of one goods. Preferably a stableman's dress is of brown cords or covert. His shoes may be black or brown leather, his linen and tie white, his gloves of the same color as his suit, and if his leggings are not of the same stuff as his coat, waistcoat, and breeches, they are of a leather that matches his boots. His hat should be of felt and of the color of his suit. Thus arrayed, a stableman in town brings his master's or his mistress's horse to the house-door. Thus arrayed, he also rides in the park or on country roads beside a boy or girl who, mounted on a pony, is taking lessons in riding or enjoying exer- cise. The saddle-groom may, when accompanying a lady as her protector, wear more decorative livery. In this last instance he does not, as with a boy or girl, ride alongside the motmt of his charge. A young lady's or matron's groom rides always behind her, and he may then wear white stockinet breeches and a black coat outside which a broad black- or brown-leather belt is clasped. His boots are black with white tops, his linen white, and his hat a silk topper. His gloves for park appear- ance in attendance on a lady should be gray buckskin. CHAPTER FIFTEEN THE ETIQUETTE OF SPORTS AND GAMES It is more forgivable, when playing this ancient and honorable game, to err in a choice of clubs than to fail in exact propriety of behavior toward it. ™^®'® others on the links. Bad play is excus- on the golf- -^ ■' course able at golf, but the feeblest player can learn in one lesson how to be polite and considerate in the treatment of brother or sister golfers. Ignorance on such points is rarely overlooked or forgiven. A player who is practicing must, for example, always stand by to let a pair or foiu: persons, engaged in a match, play through. On a busy day the lone player may have to stand by many times to permit a right of way, and a woman must not presume upon her sex and block the passage of two or more men who are playing in friendly rivalry. A couple or a single player must not drive straight into the course followed by persons ahead, unless the players immediately ahead have lost their balls and are so delaying progress. In such circiunstances the searchers for lost balls must offer to let those behind them play through and pass on; or, if this favor is requested by those in the immediate rear, it must be granted. 388 Etiquette of Sports and Games 389 In starting from a tee a golfer waits for those before him to play their second strokes before he tees off. Approach shots must never be made till the green is clear of putters, and those who play alone or together for practice only must not linger to test their putting strokers again and again when other players are evi- dently waiting to approach and hole out. Students of the game who wish to continue their practice must pick up their balls and stand off the green to signify to those in the rear permission to proceed. It is a gross breach of etiquette for one golfer to speak or move while in the immediate vicinity of a friend or stranger who is about to tee off or deliver any other stroke. Strangers have no right to leave their balls and, strolling near to a fellow-golfer, take critical note of his or her manner of dealing with a stroke. A ner- vous player is often seriously disturbed and put off his form by the too close scrutiny even of his friends, and many players consider that the surveillance of a stranger is an impertinence. It is not permissible to offer to correct a companion's maimer of holding a club or taking a position unless the critic is accepted, at the moment, as a kind instructor whose advice is desired and welcomed, or unless the more skillful person is the near relative or very much licensed friend of the awkward player. In the applica- tion of rules and regulations of actual order and real etiquette on the links, no exceptions are made in behalf of age or sex. Men and women, old and young, must conform willingly to the laws of nice conduct. A woman golfer must restrain her natural loquacity; she must not giggle or shrug her shoulders disdainfully at the helpless antics of a beginner or the trying bunglings of a partner. She should not attempt to carry on a 390 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage conversation with a partner who desires silence, and she must not attempt to economize in caddie-charges by giving her clubs into the care of the gentleman who plays with her, unless he especially requests the privi- lege of giving her this assistance. She may not sub- stitute, for a hired and trained caddie, some gay girl friend who knows nothing of the golf rules and regulations and breaks them all accordingly. A woman player is required to put back the turf she may cut and displace, to hunt for her own balls, and to show herself a good loser. When a player of either sex inadvertently causes any other player annoyance or injury by a breach of rule, then prompt apologies must be offered the offended per- son, whether a man or woman, stranger or acquaintance, spectator or player. Interested onlookers or followers of a match or a totimament must keep weU within bounds; they must not gossip, laugh, or criticise in the hearing of others ; they must stand behind the friend who is lofting or driving, and keep well off greens and tees when they are occupied by players. When any player or accompanying friend of a player is gmlty of frequent and gross breaches of good behav- ior, it is usually wiser for the person annoyed to make qmetly a complaint to the accredited umpire or referee rather than deal personally with the offender. If no umpire is in control, then representations shotild be made later to those club authorities who are appointed to adjust such difficulties. When a player is deeply irritated and put off his form by the repeated intrusions, laughter, or talk of another person, a sufficient rebuke may be offered by calmly desisting from a stroke till quiet or privacy is restored. When this hint is not Etiquette of Sports and Gaines 39^ taken, then the exasperated player may turn to face the intruder with the words : "/ heg your pardon, but I fear I am unable to play properly while closely watched, " — or " You will forgive me for asking you not to talk while I am teeing off. " When riding with a woman, a man keeps to her right hand usually. A gentleman arriving at a rendezvous on horseback need not leave his saddle to assist in mounting a lady with whom he is to ride, if she has at hand her groom or a mascidine friend who is on foot and prepared to help her to her seat. But, in other circumstances, a gentleman who rides with a lady shows far more courtesy by dismount- ing to assist her. On entering a woodland bridle-path a man leads the way, and when a drove of cattle, a motor-car, or any object likely to startle his companion's horse looms ahead in a roadway, a good rider puts himself between the lady and whatever he fears may prove an alarming experience for her mount. Helping a woman to her saddle is an accomplishment easy to acquire. If no groom is at hand to hold the horse's head, a gentleman gathers up the bridle reins and keeps them in his left hand, slackly or firmly as the animal may require, against one horn of the saddle. Or he may catch them up, at his companion's desire, and give them into her grasp. Bending a little, he holds his right hand open and firm the distance of an easy step from the ground. Thus it serves the lady as a step into which she puts her foot as she springs upwards. This right hand should rise with her spring, to answer as a support till she has reached the saddle. To see that her foot is well in the stirrup, to adjust any straps 392 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage at her skirt's hem, and to make sure by inquiry that she feels qmte comfortable and secure, is the duty of a squire of dames before he turns to spring up to his own seat. When a gentleman is in the least dubious over his ability to accomplish the small feat of motinting a lady from the level, when her horse is nervous, or when the lady herself is a trifle imcertain of her capacity for the long spring upwards, then it is less effective, but safer, for even the most gallant escort to hold the horse's head while the lady steps to her seat from a mounting block, a convenient tree-trunk, or accessible roadside bank. In the park an escort suits his pace to that set by his fair companion, and on country roads he should observe the same courtesy. In the park, when a gentleman approaches a feminine acquaintance from the rear, he rides up alongside of her quietly, and not till his moimt is well abreast her own does he speak. Unless a friendship of some length of standing exists between himself and a lady, and she is riding alone, a well-mannered man does not join her without asking permission to do so. If she is but his acquaintance, and alone, he asks, on lifting his hat : "May I ride with you for a little?" — or "May I have the pleasure round the park" — or "As far as the M.s' gate?" When a lady is already escorted, an admirer has no right to join her or ask to ride in her company. To-day women who boast even a fair knowledge of horsemanship ride alone at will on park or on country roads. A timid one or a very young girl shotild be accompanied always in public by a relative or friend of the stronger sex, or a woman friend who admirably tmderstands the control of horses and proper action in emergencies. Otherwise, a girl, an inexpert woman, or Etiquette of Sports and Gaines 393 a lady who desires to ride with all possible safety and dignity and in semi-solitude should be accompanied by a groom. This servant's dress and duties have been explained in fuU in Chapter Fourteen, page 387. When a gentleman is riding at moderate speed he salutes his friends by lifting his hat. When the rest- lessness of his horse, or his speed, prevents this gesture, then he raises his whip- or crop-handle to his hat's brim. A woman inclines her head in the ordinary bow of acknowledgment when she is in the saddle. A gentleman riding up to speak to ladies on horseback does not accept their greetings and hearken to their conversation with bared head, but replaces his hat after cotirteously lifting it once on joining them and again on turning from them. Persons meeting on horseback do not attempt to shake hands, and a gentleman who draws rein to carry on a conversation of any length with ladies on foot should dismotmt to do so. A brief phrase or two exchanged does not necessitate this courtesy. The man who drives his feminine friends abroad in the park does not, for cotirtesy's sake, smoke while so doing. This restraint he should observe whether the ladies at his side or behind -.^,„o „, ^^ vcuixogc or cox him are members of his acquaintance or his family. On coiintry roads and on occasions of no special ceremony this rule is relaxed in favor of the smoker who, unless he knows well the preferences of his companions, always premises by requesting per- mission to light his cigarette, cigar, or pipe. The pipe, by the way, is accepted as the non-professional or Corinthian chatiffeiu-'s comfort and companion, and for that reason on the highways has gained a standing 394 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e since the introduction of horseless vehicles. But pipe, cigar, or cigarette are only possible with open trap or car, or when the owner is also the driver. No gentle- man ever smokes or asks permission to smoke in a closed vehicle, save when his companions are smokers also, or those members of his household who permit the Hberty. A man accompanying women in a horse-drawn or horseless conveyance enters the vehicle after aU the ladies have seated themselves. If driving a trap, he descends to aid a woman companion to her place behind or beside him. The only exception to this rule is when a horse is too restive to stand, and no groom or assistant is at hand to hold the animal's bridle. Then considera- tions of safety nde the situation, and the driver keeps his seat while the lady takes hers without his aid. In such circumstances a gentleman usually says : " You will forgive my failure to assist you, but my horse will not permit it. " The gentleman who drives his automobile always leaves his wheel to see that the guests of his car are comfortably seated. He opens the door for ladies, arranges the wraps, and if a woman friend or relative is to sit beside him, hands her to her place, and then goes rovind to the opposite side of the car and climbs to his own. This he does when his vehicle is horse-drawn. When it is impossible to mount from the far side, then the driver of car or trap steps in over his companion's feet, with a simple "Permit me," or "With your per- mission," and a "Thank you" when the movement is accomplished. The host of a carriage or car who does not drive himself sits outside with the coachman or chauffetu when there are men guests or ladies filling the interior of the vehicle. Etiquette of Sports and Games 395 At the conclusion of a drive, a gentleman chaiifEeur or coachman descends first, when women are his passengers, to assist them in alighting. He would, however, keep his place and the control of a restive animal when no groom is at hand. Then, and with explanations and apologies, he may allow his companions to descend without his aid. With the increasing use and improvement of the comfortable electric and gasoline-driven conveyances, the one-time accomplishment of "handing a lady" to or from a carriage is falling into excusable disuse. The low-swung, wide-stepped taxicab or private automo- bile, with its broad wheel-guards, is easy of access to the most venerable or feeble persons. Therefore, the courteous companion of a lady on a drive need but open the vehicle door and stand by it till she enters. Whether guest or host, in a vehicle occupied by women a man does not enter first, and when a lady's guest for the first time, and when he knows her but slightly, he places himself on the seat opposite hers, if the vehicle has one, tUl asked by her to change to one by her side. When car or carriage halts, that the feminine occupant may speak to some acquaintance on roadside or sidewalk at that side nearest which her masculine companion is seated, he must needs, in such a circumstance open the door and, stepping out, remain in courteous waiting till the lady has finished her colloquy. A gentleman paying a round of calls with a woman, driving in a taxicab or horse-drawn vehicle that boasts no groom, steps out first, and, ringing the door-bell, makes inquiries and leaves the cards. When leaving a vehicle in which he has driven, as the guest or host of a woman, a man steps out first, holds the door open for his companion, gives her his hand to aid her 396 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e descent from a rather lofty step, takes the burden of any wraps or parcels she requires, and foUows her into a clubhouse or other ultimate destination. A man who drives horses salutes his friends by lifting his whip tin the stock is near to and in front of the brim of his hat. The gentleman chauffeur offers a military salute instead, and this he is careful not to give in an imitation of a stableman's simxdated pull at a forelock. A woman when holding reins lifts her whip as a man would, or bows; she bows when acting as chatiffeur of her car. A woman driving with members of her own sex observes in their behalf, when she is hostess or guest in a vehicle, very much the same ruling as has been set down for the guidance of men. A young lady, when the guest of an elderly woman or a matron, takes a seat with her back to the driver when there are others to follow beside her hostess. When a lady and her hostess are to drive together, it is politest for the guest to ask, before entering the vehicle, "Which is your seat?" — or "Which side do you usually prefer ? ' ' Acar or carriage owner is frequently habituated to a special seat in which she does not care to be usiuped. No woman ever suggests that a man guest or host shall precede her in entering a vehicle they are to share, unless the vehicle is drawn by a restive horse, and the lady prefers the whip to take his seat first. A lady does not drive to the club of a masculine friend or relative tonless it is to set her companion down by his request at its door, or to find him in waiting for her on its door-step. Drivers of either sex of horse-drawn vehicles or automobiles have no right to take dangerous risks in the streets or open roads when they have guests, nor should a motorist push the machine to a great speed when his guests are nervous. The rule of Etiquette of Sports and Gaines 397 the road reqtiires a halt when frightened animals are passing, or when another motorist shows signs of dis- tress. In both conditions, assistance should be offered, if not to the extent of towing an injured car, to the point of lending essential tools or gasoline, or offering to leave word for assistance to be sent from the nearest shop or garage. A gentleman or lady who bears the fine appellation by right of inherent merit and gracious impulses does not injure property with a rapidly running car, or visibly shock a timid stranger's nerves and drive on at increasing speed to avoid fines or reproaches. Good breeding, nay, even decent honesty and kindness, exact that, on wounding a domestic animal in the roadway, terrifying a farm-horse in the shafts, or injuring slightly well-kept roadside turf, the motorist shall dismount to offer reparation, express regret, and add heartfelt apologies. The host or hostess of a motor-car who invites a friend or two for a day's or afternoon's run should pro- vide the necessary refreshments, or, stopping at a roadside inn for tea, pay the cost of the beverages and foods ordered. This is the rale, unless other arrange- ments by mutual consent have been arrived at. When consenting to take part in any game, from tennis to jackstraws, the participator must bear in mind that good temper is a more precious factor in securing all-round success than ^'^^^s indoors skill or good luck. A tendency to noisy exultation in winning, a sulky depression at losing, and a fiery impatience over the carelessness or stupidity of a partner, are blots on behavior never compensated for by a high degree of accomplishment in a test of wit 398 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage and tecknique. A consciously untrained person may, and should, try to excuse himself from taking a hand at bridge, or a partnership attennis, especially when fellow-participants are qualified players or experts. But when a guest or host is urged to oblige those who are eager for a contest, and who otherwise must forego the diversion entirely, the obligations of unselfish promotion of pleasure must prevail. An individual driven thus by circumstances must truthftdly say: "I'll do my best, but it 's fair only to tell you I play a most indifferent game;" — or "7 shall be happy to oblige you and hope you may have patience with my mistakes. " Having given this fair warning, an awkwardly placed player must thereupon try seriously to do his best. Upon committing faults, to say, "/ am so sorry," — or "I beg your pardon, " — or "I fear I am most stupid, " is apology enough, even in the face of a partner's visible impatience at a poor stroke or an ill-judged play. In conditions where the atmosphere of the billiard-room, the card-table, or the tennis-court grows tense through one player's evident anger at the faults of another, the less expert and less lucky contestant shows a finer sense of true sporting spirit by refusing to display any acri- monious feeling, and by determinedly working on to the end of the game. To offer, then, to retire, on a plea of weariness or the appearance of a suitable sub- stitute, is a reasonable course to take. Nothing save downright insults received should ever force a painfully situated player to retire in a dudgeon in the very midst of a set or hand; for half the strength and beauty of good breeding lies in a capacity to show quiet courage and complete self-control. Etiquette of Sports and Games 399 To take victory calmly, with a pleased but not a superior air and without boastfulness, is the mark of the polite individual; just as still higher evidence of gracious courtesy is shown by the loser in a hard-fought contest who ungrudgingly assents to the superior skill of a triumphant opponent, and appears neither sulky nor depressed at the dispensations of the goddess of Fortune. To the individual who has reluctantly consented to take part in a game the other players should offer their warm thanks at the conclusion of the contest; further- more, they must not criticise, laugh over, or impatiently comment upon the stupidities or flagrant exhibitions of carelessness displayed by the person who merely took a hand at bridge, or a racket at tennis, to oblige. In all games, the preferences of the majority must be allowed tc rule. For example, a talkative individual must not give way to chatter in a game of cards when the other participants desire to pursue their bridge in reflective silence. At billiards and crc^quet, serious annoyance is sometimes given by speech, laughtc-^ or abrupt move- ment made at the moment a player is au^."•'t to achieve a stroke. Again, before venturing to play ;;he part of spectator at a game of cards or chess, the would-be onlooker should say: "Have I your permission to look on?" — or "Will it disturb you, Mr. A., if I sit here to watch the game awhile?" Having received the player's consent, it Is then a spectator's duty to maintain complete sUence, and offer no criticism or advice unless qualified to do so and also called upon to give suggestions and corrections. A spectator must not take any sides or show a desire to further the victory of one player over another, and 400 Cxclopaedia of Social XJsa^e when a player whose shotilder is overlooked seems rendered nervous, the onlooker should move off after a little and without remark. When games are played for a prize of any sort, a loser has no right to question the bestowal of the prize, though it may be unfairly won. This is the rule in private grounds and houses. A burning sense of injustice may prevail m the heart of the unlucky player or in that of an observant spectator; but where the host or hostess awards the premitun placed on superior skill, no exception may be rightly taken to their judgment in the matter. When a prize is bestowed after a hard and closely fought contest and the true winner prevails, then that loser is wanting in a clear claim to the title of lady or gentleman who does not graciously congratulate the late rival on his or her success. After a termis, croquet, chess, or card tottmament, aU the competitors should express satisfaction with the results of the test of skill, and this expression must be made regardless of a personal sense of defeat or disappointment. It is enough on such occasions to say: "Well won. Miss A., and may I offer my hearty congratulations ? ' ' — or " We are all delighted at the reward of your splendid play this afternoon, Mr. B., " — or "May this be but one of many victories. Miss C; you played a champion's game this evening. " To kind compliments a victor should reply: " Thank you so much, " — or " You are kind to say such pleasant things to me, " — or "Luck was on my side, I assure you, else amvng so many wonderfully good players I could neoer have been the winner. " Etiquette of Sports and Games 4(>i In a private house or grotinds a prize-winner must first express warm thanks to the donor of the silver piece, pretty fan, or cigarette case, in some such phrases as : "How very good of you, Mrs. A., to reward me so generously! " — or "This is indeed a prize worth winning, Mr. A.; I shall treasure it always, " — or " This is far more beautiful a reward than my poor skill deserves. Miss A., and I am overwhelmed with pleasure at its ownership. " Games that are played for cash rewards give rise to situations in society that are frequently most embarras- sing. Many a man or woman in moderate circumstances is seriously annoyed, or even temporarily straitened in funds, on being caught in circumstances whence it is impossible to escape until more than one ill-spared dollar has been lost. In some circles of society, men and women who cannot afford to play for money do so when cards foUow on a Itmcheon or dinner, and the hostess or guests appear to be inconvenienced by their refusal to participate in the expensive diversion of the hour. A hostess, in circumstances where cards to follow the meal have not been mentioned in her invitation, has really no right to insist on the participation of a reluctant guest who is too shy or proud to mention moral scruples or financial inability to stand even small losses. Yet hostesses there are who do insist, and there are guests in such circumstances who feel obliged to pass through the painful ordeal of losing or winning. However, the demands of courtesy do not actually require so great a sacrifice, and the hostess who is politely but firmly resisted by her guest has no right to feel that the smallest violence has been done thereby to the laws of hospitality or good breeding. 26 402 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage A guest caught in an emergency may rightly begin by saying: ' ' I am so sorry, Mrs. A., but I cannot play this evening. ' ' If this refusal is not sufficient, it may be followed by the frank avowal : "Really, I regret a lack of sporting spirit, Mrs. A., but it is a rule of my life not to play any game for any higher stakes than pleasure. " The hostess who meets a shy guest's feeble excuse of a purse left at home by an offer to lend money for play is a person whose point of view is too perverted to be considered here. If a hostess's company is to play for cash points, and one member of it is obviously loath to take part on such a basis, her duty is immediately to excuse her reluctant guest, or to arrange her participa- tion in the game without violence to her prejudices. When her lawn provides adequate accommodation for these outdoor games, and the hostess desires to entertain with a kind of al-fresco informal- t tea ^^y* ^^^ issues her invitations most satis- factorily in the form of short notes, or by the simpler means of posting her visiting-cards to her friends inscribed with these words : Tea and Tennis (or Croquet), Wednesday afternoon, June 5th, from three-thirty to seven 0^ clock. The hostess of a little club, composed of congenial spirits banded together for the weekly or fortnightly enjoyment of exercise and hospitality on private lawns, usually has the privilege of inviting in special friends who do not belong to the organization. To such per- sons outside the club to whom she desires to extend invitation, notes should be written asking their com- pany. Tennis- and croquet-teas are, however, very Etiqviette of Sports and Games 403 often given by a hostess who wishes to fill an afternoon with diversion for the sake of a son or daughter. In these last circumstances, she is privileged to offer prizes, and in her notes of invitation to make mention of them. The prizes need be nothing more than simple souvenirs, but the fact of their existence lends zest to the games and rouses interest in the spectators. These rewards of skill and consolations for second-best games may be exposed in their prettily tied up parcels, or arranged on a small table on a veranda or under a tree that the guests and competitors may inspect them. An abundance of light seats shotild be provided for the onlookers, and a competent referee must be put in charge of the games and the scoring duties. Where there are many more young aspirants for a chance to win the prizes than may be accommodated with tirae or space for games, the hostess shoiild have lots drawn to decide the names of the participants. This course must be followed when the players have not been previously decided upon, and when the guests have not been asked in to see sets played between fixed rivals for honors and rewards. A hostess prepares for and receives her guests quite as though she were giving a garden party. A young and active hostess is weU advised who, despite her skiU in and love for outdoor games, refrains from taking part in those played on her own grounds. She should be fully employed in looking after the comfort of her friends ; in seeing that they are properly greeted, seated, and fed; in leading in applause, and in awarding the prizes with kindly speeches. "// gives me great pleasure to present you with this little testimonial of your splendid game, " — or " You fairly won this, Mr. A., and I give it to you with 404 Cxclopaedia of Social Usa^e my heartiest congratulations, " are safe and conventional phrases to use on offering a winner his or her reward of merit. Between any contestants for the prizes a hostess must show no partiality in her applause and in her spoken phrase. Card parties are now conventionally held either in the afternoon or the evening. An afternoon card party may be made up exclusively of ladies, and _^ be prefaced with a luncheon. In this case, on correspondence cards the invitations would be issued in this form: Mrs. John J. Blanke requests the pleasure of your company at luncheon on Wednesday, January the ninth, at one o'clock. Bridge. R.S.V.P. Quite as effectively the hospitality may be offered in the form of a short note in which the hostess asks her friend to lunch on a fixed date and mentions that cards will be played after one-thirty during the afternoon for prizes, or for a fixed sum per point. There is another type of afternoon card party which begins at three and lasts till six-thirty, and includes an intermission for the discussion of afternoon tea. For such a one the hostess may send out visiting-card invitations. On the bits of bristol-board, posted in tiny envelopes to her friends, she writes either Bridge, or Cards, Wednesday, January the ninth, from three- thirty to six-thirty, R. S. V. P. Notes of invitation are to be adopted when the inscribed cards are not used. Etiquette of Sports and Games 405 In honor of an evening card party, a hostess usually assembles her friends of both sexes by means of notes, or by virtue of formal invitations worded thus: Mr. and Mrs. John J. Blanke request the pleasure of your company At Cards on Thursday evening, January the third, at nine o'clock. R.S. V.P. 4 Trent Street. If the entertainment is stated to begin at half -past eight or nine, a half-hour's grace should be allowed for the assembling of the guests. After this, the playing should begin, and of the odd number of persons left over from the make-up of the tables, the hostess and host and any members of their family must comprise this isolated remnant. Prizes, if provided, may be displayed or held tempt- ingly mysterious tiU the last. They should be awarded by the hostess with kindly words, and after two hotus of play a supper should be served. This may be a buffet feast, or one at which the guests are invited to find seats at one large or three or more small tables. At card parties given in the afternoon, the hostess and her women guests dress as for a luncheon or after- noon at-home. For evening card parties, many women wear the type of costume that is appropriate at the theatre, or full evening dress. Masculine guests and the host at an afternoon card party dress as for a luncheon or afternoon reception. To an evening card party, gentlemen should wear fuU evening dress. CHAPTER SIXTEEN IN THE STREET, SHOPPING, AT CHURCH Between friends, recognition by means of a courteous bow is exchanged simultaneously as a rule: that is to say, a man does not deliberately wait for Recognitions -i^ r i j i i i -j. in public ^ "°^ from a lady whom he knows quite well before venturing to lift his hat ; nor does a young giri hesitate to incline her head imme- diately upon crossing the line of vision of a matron friend. However, upon the first occasion when meet- ing a lady in public after introduction, a gentleman waits for a sign of recognition before raising his hat. A young woman accords an elder one the same right to grant the initial sign of acknowledging an acquaintance previously made. To bow with a stem, preoccupied, or gloomy cotmtenance is not kind or civil. A trtily polite woman bows always to her own servants when she meets them in public, also to those who often serve her, and to the clerks in the shops she frequents. Those who serve in the domestic capacity or in shops and offices as employees invariably wait for recognition to proceed first from the employer or customer. By this reserve, a sense of personal dignity and not of servility is implied. A man who recognizes a lady in public, whether he knows her well or not, lifts his hat without a flourish. 406 In tHe Street, SKoppin^, at CKvircH 407 He must not, unless driving, satisfy himself with touching his hat-brim. Even when his right hand is occupied at the moment of a lady's passage, or if he is late in seeing his friend, he still lifts his hat after she has gone by in token of due respect to her and to himself. A gentleman does not nod to the women members of his family seen in public at a distance, or passed on the street: his duty is to lift his hat to his wife or his ten-year-old sister. When a gentleman passes a man friend walking with a lady unknown to him he lifts his hat. Should he walk himself with a lady who bows to one a stranger to him of either sex, he again politely lifts his hat. But a woman walking or riding in public and in the company of a masculine friend or relative does not bow when her escort lifts his hat to persons of either sex to whom she has never been introduced. A gentleman who passes an acquaintance in the street twice in the same hour lifts his hat at every meeting, and a woman similarly bows on crossing a friend's path several times a day. A man never refuses to acknowledge a woman's bow. He is privileged, when forewarned of her presence, to avoid it if possible by careful precautions against meeting her glance, but, upon confronting a woman, he has no choice but to lift his hat if she acknowledges his proximity. Similarly, a woman who is mindfxil of the laws of courtesy does not refuse to answer a bow from one of her own or the opposite sex. Dire indeed must be the insult previously received that could inspire a lady to gaze steadily in the face of an acquaintance and refuse to acknowledge a salute. Insults requiring such a rebuke are so few and far between that a bowing acquaintance is usually broken off by a tactful, easily 408 Cyclopaedia of Social XJsa^e achieved, and repeated refusal to meet the glance of the person whose recognition is not desired. Eventually, the most hardened and careless person perceives the avoidance, and eyes can meet eyes without the Ught of recognition shining in either glance. To-day an invalid or venerable lady is privileged to take the arm of her escort, or in very crowded or very rough paths a gentleman invites his femi- T^e TOik jj£j^g companion of any age to try the support of his arm. By night or day, in city street or country lane, men and women may walk in company, but independent of special giddance and support. The man who holds the arm of his feminine companion by the elbow or by passing his hand inside and under her forearm does so only to assist her temporarily over rough or slippery places. To do so while walking with her in the ordinary enjojrment of exercise or pursuit of a given destination is to indicate complete ignorance of the rules of most gracefvil and dignified bearing. Formerly, it was the fixed rule for a masculine escort of a woman to walk always between his charge and the immediate curbstone of the street, or to place himself between the lady and the outside or centre of the road- way. This was a good rule in days when our city highways were stiU fuU of cattle and rough drivers, and where drunken or turbtilent foot passengers might not clearly recognize the rtile of the sidewalk. But the order of traffic and the peace of the city street are too well maintained to-day to require that the escort shall take such special care. On country roads, the old rule of giving every protection to the woman is followed, if the going is very bad toward the centre, if the walkers In tHe Street, Shopping, at ChurcK 409 come upon cattle, or a tipsy wayfarer or tramp is encountered. On walking with a feminine friend or relative, a gentle- man offers to relieve her of any parcels, etc. He need not suggest that he carry her open parasol or umbrella. When the going is bad or the path very narrow and overhung by growths, the escort goes ahead, as a rule, to break a better way and to hold back obstructions. A gentleman does not bring a lady to a halt in the street. If he desires to speak to her he walks alongside her, lifting his hat and saying as he does so : "May I speak to you a moment while you walk along?" — or "May I walk with you for a few squares?" This he would do even if the lady were pursuing a path opposite to his own. If she stops volimtarily to offer to hsten to his remarks without taking him out of his way, he may rightfully say his say standing where she chooses. But he need not remain the while hat in hand. However, as he joins a lady he lifts his hat, and again as he leaves her he lifts it. A man does not join a woman friend in the street unless she is alone, or walking with another woman well known to him, or with a member of her family. He must not join her when she promenades with a mascviline escort who is not her relative, or with a feminine companion unknown to him. It is almost needless to say that the circumstances are exceptional in which a woman joins a man friend in the street by altering her way to suit his convenience and by her own suggestion. To an intimate man friend she may say, when his path is also hers : "Have you time to walk along with me as far as B.'s shop?"~-OT 4IO Cyclopaedia of Social Usage "If you are going my way for a little, we might talk about the mxitter, " etc. With street introductions we have dealt fully in Chapter One, page 19, but in event of street accidents it is here essential to say that a woman gives full recog- nition of a kindness received from a stranger. If a parcel fallen from her hand is restored by a passer-by, she should give a smiling "Thanh you," in answer for the service. Her masculine companion, in such cir- cumstances, lifts his hat and echoes her thanks to whomever, from a street arab to a beautiful young girl, the courteous expression of gratitude is due. Especially in a crowded thoroughfare where the movement is brisk, one careless or selfish person can give needless annoyance by wandering courtesy ^P *^^ street on that side where the down-street stream of humanity is flow- ing. The street umbrella should never be tucked under the arm with its dangerous ferrule-end thrust out in the rear, and in a busy street it is not poUte to occupy a central position in order to chat a moment with a friend. If a halt is made for conversation, civility requires the talkers to retire to one side, and in any exchange of gossip or information in the open road it is highly indiscreet to utter the names of friends or enemies in a loud voice. A gentleman is careful to make mention of his women relatives and acquaintances in a tone that can only reach the ear of the person for whom his speech is specially intended. In a crowd where a woman stranger seems frightened or at a great disadvantage, a gentleman may rightfully offer to lead her across the street, or to her street-car. When doing so he lifts his hat, saying: In tHe Street, SHoppin^, at CKvircK 41 1 "Madam, permit me to help you across," — or "May I help you out of this to a place of safety?" His duty, should the lady accept his aid, is to accompany her no farther than a point at which she declares herself able to proceed alone, or at which she is beyond the path of danger. Again lift- ing his hat to retire, he would reply to her thanks by saying : "/ am most happy to have been of service." When a lady is accompanied by a masculine escort, and it yet happens that a gentleman in a crowd, or diffi- ctilt or dangerous street situation, is aware that he can be of service to her, he addresses himself first to her escort, saying: "May I lend any assistance?" — or " With your permission, I will give Madam my seat here." On such an offer made he lifts his hat, the lady's escort lifts his with thanks and an acceptance, or refusal, and again both gentlemen raise their hats and exchange the spoken courtesies of the situation when the small deed of kindness is done. When, in the street, a stranger appeals for direction, the person addressed should say: " With pleasure. So and So's shop is just round the corner. " A man appealed to Hfts his hat on receiving the stranger's request and thanks. Only when she has received important assistance and protection in a moment of great danger or difficulty from a masculine stranger need a woman feel it essen- tial to ask for her protector's name. Ordinarily it is enough for her to say : "Thank you very much,"- 412 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e " You have been very kind; please accept my sincerest thanks, " — or " May I thank you very, very much for your most timely and valtiable assistance. " Thereafter, on meeting the kindly stranger abroad, she would not bow, nor would a gentleman ever presume upon assistance rendered any woman to ask her name, accompany her farther on her way than necessity re- quired, or look as though he expected future recognition. When a man in any walk of life has defended or aided a woman, or, coming to her rescue at a painful moment has put himself out of time and pocket to shelter her or escort her to her door, she then in common gratitude would ask him his name. To a working-man her intention should be to send some substantial token of her good wiU ; to a gentleman she should desire to send some masculine member of her family to express further her sense of obligation. In such circumstances she woiild say: " It would give me great pleasure to know to whom I am indebted for all this kindness, " — or "May I not know the name of my benefactor? My husband will wish to add his thanks to mine. " To a chivalrous working-man she would say, offering her hand: " / wish to thank you warmly for your great kindness and assistance, and I wish you would let me have both your name and address. I am Mrs. Blanke. " A man of any social standing is privileged to give or withhold his name. He may answer, in any of the above-mentioned circumstances, with a mere lifting of his hat and a mtunnured " Thank you, " — or "/ am sufficiently rewarded in having been able to serve you, madam, " — or In the Street, Shopping, at CKurch 413 "It has been a trifling matter, madam, hut I am more than happy at this opportunity to render you any assist- ance, " — or "/ assure you, madam, I feel it a privilege to have served you. My name is Henry B " The vexed question of whose privilege or duty it is to pay the fares in a street-car when friends enter together is only to be solved by rule when one of two or more persons has a right in some ^"* ^j? sort to the authority of a host or hostess. conveyances Thus, a woman may claim to pay the car-fares for a woman companion when the two are proceeding to a point whereat she is to give tea, lunch, or dinner to her friend, or has invited her to be her companion. The same rule holds good for a man when he is the lady's appointed escort or host, or when he is the host of a man friend. When two women enter a car bound upon a shopping or calling expedition the fares should be paid independently. A woman should never, in any circumstances, pay the car-fare of a man friend, and on meeting a masculine acquaint- ance at the ticket-office, or in a 'bus or trolley, or enter- ing simultaneously with one, she should not permit the payment of her fare from his pocket. By the same token it is awkward and sometimes presumptuous for a woman to attempt to pay the car-fare of a feminine ac- quaintance, unless she stands upon her rights as hostess. On being offered a seat in a crowded public vehicle a lady, rightly wearing this much-abused title, rewards the donor by a smile, a bow, and a clearly uttered " Thank you." This courtesy she grants to a small boy,' a fine gentleman of leisure, and a kindly gracious coal- heaver alike. It is a reversion to something worse 414 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage than barbarism to give no recognition of this favor. A man, on resigning his seat to a woman, an invalid, or elderly member of his own sex, rising, lifts his hat, and either indicates with a gesttire that the seat is vacant, or says: "Madam, will you sit here, " — or "I think I am better able to stand than you, sir. " On receiving thanks he lifts his hat again. The escort of a lady in such circumstances echoes her thanks and lifts his hat. A gentleman escorting a woman, whose seat has been the gift of a masculine occupant of the car, lifts his hat once more on retreating from the conveyance if the donor of the seat is still standing or sitting in his vicinity. A man allows the woman in his care to enter the street conveyance ahead of him, but he tries, if possible, to precede her from the car, and stands by its step, his right hand offering support at her elbow as she de- scends. In a street conveyance it is scarcely polite to read a letter aloud, to discuss one's friends or enemies across the aisle, to cross one's knees so that a muddy or dusty outstretched boot may rub against the gowns of fellow-passengers. It is not proper to let one's um- brella form a stumbling-block for the unwary, or to let a wet umbrella rub against the clothing of fellow- passengers. A man follows his feminine companion up and down the aisle of a church. Here a young woman gives precedence to an older one. However, or shop *^^ owner of a sitting should lead the way up the aisle for guests who do not know the location of the pew. At the pew-door, however, a man stands aside to let his women-folk pass in and In the Street, Shopping, at Church 415 choose their seats first; a young man gives precedence to an older one; a young woman walks into a pew after her feminine elders. A guest in a pew does not assume one of the comer seats when accompanied by a host or hostess, but waits to see what preferences in places are shown first by a pew's owner. Usually, on entering an empty pew where the sittings are free, a woman leaves the comer nearest the aisle to the occupancy of her masculine escort. Those who own no sittings, in a pew-taxed church, have no right to take uninvited the seats of the regular members of the congregation. Discreet individuals on entering a church, the rules of which are not known, appeal to one of the ushers for sittings. If a stranger in a church is invited by a member of the congregation in person to sit in his or her pew, then a quiet "Thank you" on taking and leaving the seat must be uttered. Well-bred men and women do not in church repeat- edly turn and scrutinize the congregation in the rear, nor do they twitch, fidget, sigh, or play with books, fans, etc., during the sermon. In church it is enough to bow and smile very slightly in acknowledging the salutes of friends. A prolonged whispered conversation is a nuisance in a sacred edifice, and the quiet moments before a service need not be filled with the covert communication of gossip or even important news. Persons who suffer from the heedlessness of others who whisper, giggle, or restlessly move about have no right to protest but nuldly and but once. One glance of reproachful surprise cast at the disturbers of peace must not be repeated with asperity and anger. Ob- viously, if one cannot in church show a gentle endurance of small annoyances, one is failing sadly to profit by the finest teachings of the Christian rule. 4i6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage The careftilly polite shopper takes heed to the dangers of the swinging or revolving doors. She also thanks an amiable person for holding the door open to admit of safe passage. A well-bred woman does not allow the abrupt behavior of a tired, probably nervous, and possibly careless shop assistant to rob her of all her courtesy. Too many women, alas, exact from those who serve behind the counter a degree of con- sideration they are not prepared to grant themselves. "Please" and " Thank you" are polite expressions never thrown away by a shopper, even though the recipient of her coxortesy may show a cold or careless indifference to her amiable efforts. Few indeed are those weary or haughty maidens behind a counter who do not yield to a shopper's unruffled graciousness and patience, and to the "Thank you" and "Good-day" that conclude a purchase however small. We who do so many things so well in the United States have yet to learn from Europe how shop-sendee is expedited by the customer's kind "Good-morning" or "Good-day," and by the "Thank you, good-afternoon," that closes the small business of exchanging even a few cents for a roll of tape. When a shop assistant has shown many kinds of goods before a customer is satisfied, it is the customer's duty to thank her somewhat in detail, saying: " Thank you for so kindly showing me all these varieties of lace, " — or "Really, I must thank you very much for your trouble." To enter into a controversy with a shop assistant is an unpardonable breach of good manners. If com- plaints of inattention, gross rudeness, or carelessness and error are to be made, the shopper should report her grievance and seek for recompense at the complaint- desk or lay her case first before a floorwalker. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN RECEPTIONS A RECEPTION is a movable feast : it may be held in the afternoon or in the evening ; it may be celebrated out of doors in the form of a garden party, and it may follow hard upon the ceremony of invitations dining, wedding, or christening. A recep- tion may be given to honor an individual, to greet a newly married couple, to introduce a daughter to society, to display a recently acquired work of art, to inaugurate hospitality in a new home, or to rejoice in an anniversary. The invitations to a house reception or a garden party assume varied forms. The least troublesome and expensive means of issuing bidding to such gatherings is that of posting the hostess's calling- cards, on which such a phrase appears as, Thursday, January the third, from four to seven. Cards, so in- scribed, are posted in suitable envelopes to her friends, who understand thereby that Mrs. A. is giving a reception of moderate size, in due form and at her own address as engraved in the comer of the card. It is also Mrs. A.'s privilege to write short missives to her friends bidding them to her home in these terms: Dear Mrs. Blanke : For Thursday, January the third, I am asking in a few friends to tea to meet Robert S., the novelist, and his 4-18 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage charming wife. I hope you may be free to drop in any time after three- thirty on that day and let me give you a cup of tea; and, if you have not already met them, introduce you to this most agreeable couple. Yours cordially, Amy Arnold. More formally, Mrs. A. may have an engraver inscribe on handsome cards of bristol-board this legend; To Meet Senator and Mrs. Gordon Parker Mr. and Mrs. John Arnold request the pleasure of your company on Thursday, January the third, from four till seven o^ clock, 8 Bland Avenue. Or, more economically, she may herself write out the above formula on stiff correspondence cards, or on the right side of a note-sheet. When Mrs. A. purposes to hold a reception in honor of the coming of age of her son, she would send out written and engraved cards with her request for her friends' company expressed thus: Mr. and Mrs. John Arnold request the pleasure of your company at a reception in honor of the coming of age of their son, John Arnold, Junior, on Thursday, January the third, from four till six o'clock, 8 Bland Avenue. At the top of the cards or sheets that are used the year Receptions 4^9 of the young gentleman's birth and that of the achieve- ment of his majority shotdd appear in contrast. For the debut reception of a daughter, Mrs. A.'s cards, whether engraved or written, usually follow the wording as given in the immediately foregoing example, with the substitution, for the fourth and fifth lines, of the words, their daughter, Eleanor. When, for a debutante, invitations are not sent out as expressed above, these cards are written or engraved in this fashion : Mrs. John Arnold Miss Eleanor Dexter Arnold At Home Friday afternoon, December the third, from four till seven o^ clock, 8 Bland Avenue. Should Mrs. A. decide to give a reception for no other purpose than to entertain her friends at an elaborate at-home, she issues her cards in the form given immediately above, using her name alone or adding her daughter's as Miss A. If she receives assisted by several daughters, she indicates them as the Misses A. When she decides at a reception to appear with an older daughter, for the purpose of introducing a younger one, then below her name appears that of the first daughter as Miss A., the debutante's follows as Miss Amy Arnold. As a rule, when Mrs. A. gives a reception with her husband, she does not use the at-home formula, but orders the engraver to say that Mr. and Mrs. John A. request the pleasure of "your company, " etc. Not infrequently, two or three ladies, who are intimates and who do not possess homes adequate for 420 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage the celebration of a large reception, decide to combine their resources and, hiring a handsome hotel suite, invite their friends to a sort of omnibus reception. The cards for such an entertainment may be issued sepa- rately or in combination : that is to say, Mrs. A. may send out to her friends cards which armotmce that she is at home at the selected hotel, or the cards may show the names thus : Mrs. John Arnold Mrs. Edwin English Mrs. Charles Rackstraw At Home, etc. With every card of this sort posted to a friend, Mrs. Arnold wotild enclose her own private calling-card, thus enabling recipients to understand to whom the courtesy of the invitation is owed. When an at-home is to be given on a lawn, it assumes the character of a garden party, though a garden party is no more or less than an outdoor reception for which the invitations take this form: Mr. and Mrs. John Arnold request the pleasure of your company on Monday afternoon, June the first, from three till eight o'clock. Garden party. White Oaks, Hampstead. or Mrs. John Arnold At Home Tuesday afternoon. May the thirty-first, from four till seven o'clock. Garden party Briarwood, wet or fine. Westmead, Conn. R.eceptions 421 If cards announcing a reception on a lawn are sent to town folk, who may be able to attend only by aid erf trains, then a Hne engraved or written shotdd be added to the cards, signifying the best afternoon trains to and from the scene of festivity. For a garden party of moderate size and no great pretension to ceremony, it will always be sufficient for a hostess to post or send to her neighbors her own visiting-cards on which is written the sentence, Garden Party, June loth, from three-thirty to seven-thirty. It is also permissible, and frequently convenient, for a hostess to put forth her garden-party invitations in note form, thus: Dear Miss Johnstone : We are giving a tea party in our garden on Tuesday the third, between four and seven in the afternoon, weather permitting. Pray come and bring your visitors, if you are having friends for the Fourth. If it rains on the third, we shall try to offer our tea and berries on the fifth, which will be Thursday afternoon, and my invitation of cotuse holds good for you and yoturs on that day. Cordially, Mary Blanke. In Chapter Four, on pages 133 and 135, full instruc- tions have been given for wedding receptions. When an evening reception is projected, the invita- tions are worded as for an afternoon celebration, with the substitution of the words, from eight to ten o'clock, or from nine to eleven 0^ clock, in place of the daylight hours. Evening receptions, while less frequent and less modish nowadays than afternoon entertainments, are by no means difficult or tmattractive forms of diversion. One card of invitation to a reception is posted to a 422 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e married couple under a cover addressed, for instance, to Mr. and Mrs. J. Gregory Blanke. One card serves for two sisters, when it is addressed to The Misses Blanke. A mother and daughter should receive separate cards imder separate covers. This last nale holds good when sending cards to a father and son, to brothers, or to a married woman and her sister. The above rules hold good for garden-party invitations. Cards to a reception may appropriately be issued five or ten days or a fortnight in advance of the settled date of the festivity. A reception is scarcely considered ceremonious when cards for it are posted but two days before the selected afternoon or evening. For a large at-home in town, ample house-room, music, and deHcate fare are special requirements. In winter, in bad weather, the entrance to Planning a -j^jig festive scene should be protected by reception ^" awning; in ordinary weather a length of carpet should be laid down from front- door threshold to sidewalk's edge; and, winter or sum- mer, in town or country, a man-servant, in the livery of a carriage footman or chauffeur, must be stationed at the foot of the entrance steps. He opens the doors of vehicles, gives coachmen and chauffeurs their call- numbers, if these are provided, and he searches and calls for traps and carriages when guests are leaving. The hoiirs usually set for an afternoon reception are from three to six, or fotir to seven. There is, however, no hard-and- fast rule in this matter, as an hour or half -hour more or less is an affair of individual prefer- ence. For the average large formal afternoon at-home, the entire lower floor of a house is thrown open to the use of the guests and artificial lighting only is adopted. Receptions 4^3 A decoration of palms and flowers adds to the luxury and beauty of the scene ; but these are not as essential as the music of an orchestra. The hostess of the occa- sion should conceal her musicians as far as possible, yet place them so that the sounds of their instruments will be agreeably heard. For smaller receptions, music is not actually essential, neither are special cloak-rooms provided for the masculine and feminine guests. At a ceremonious at-home, dressing- or cloak-rooms ought to be set apart for the guests' convenience, and a re- sponsible maid put in charge of each to classify wraps and render any assistance necessary. In her dining- room the hostess should provide rather elaborate refreshments. In winter the proper refection to offer at an afternoon reception consists of tea, chocolate, and punch, supplemented with varied sandwiches and small toasted and buttered breads so delicately prepared that they may be safely handled with gloved fingers. Bread, brown and white, cut very thin and. buttered, savory types of biscuits, small pastries, and many different species of cake and bonbons usually supply all that guests desire. Some hostesses choose to serve ice-creams and biscuits in paper receptacles at their receptions, and guests frequently prefer them to the hot drinks. For a coming-of-age reception or any other type of anniversary at-home, champagne is ordinarily offered. The servants fill glasses on trays and pass the trays about. For spring and summer receptions, bowls of berries with cream and sugar prove acceptable; ices are alsc essential; and in hot stmimer weather a great glass bowl filled with lemonade, brightened with a few cher- ries or berries, improves the at-home menu. Iced coffee and long glasses filled with iced tea are refreshing in the 424 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage hot weather; while some hostesses compound from berries, grapes, cherries, etc., crushed ice, and liqueurs, a fruit cocktail, served in small thin wine-glasses, that appeals wonderftilly to thirsty throats. But in summer weather hot tea must also be offered for those who do not care for iced foods and drinks. Quick and careful service in the dining-room counts to the hostess's credit in the matter of reception giving. Usually, one or two charmingly arrayed women friends or relatives of the hostess are asked to preside behind the teapot, the chocolate-pot, and the punch-bowl. These ladies are privileged to address all guests, offer refreshments and give orders to the servants, who carry off cups and glasses that have been used, replacing them with fresh ones. These ladies also keep an eye to the replenishing of cake- and sandwich-dishes as well as the liquids they dispense. At side tables a supply of plates and forks and small fringed napkins should be placed in reserve, or piles of those essentials should appear at intervals on the long central table: thus the guests are enabled to supply themselves before making a choice from the delicacies. This long central board, usually the family dining- table, must be clothed in white damask, decorated with flowers and lights, and display the refreshments in compotiers of china, or silver baskets, or in platters. A pretty printed card, on the end of a long silver pin, thrust into the top of every dish of sandwiches, gives information as to the sweet or savory between the slices of bread. At the ends of this board the tea and chocolate equipages are best installed with a handsome blaze of silver. Half-way down one side of the table the punch-bowl, wreathed with flowers, may be placed under the direction of a third lady; or it may be rele- IVeceptions 4^5 gated to a side table and the glasses, filled by a careful maid, passed in trajrfuls from time to time. When white-handed society Hebes are in charge in the dining-room, a tremendous concourse of guests may be amply refreshed by the assistance from the pantry of two capable maid-servants. But, for a very large reception, when ladies do not serve in this capacity, that hostess does well who puts the care of the dining- room into the charge of her butler, her second man, and a couple of clever maids. When a butler is not em- ployed, or when he is on duty announcing guests, then capable men can be hired from the caterer's to manage the dining-room. The hostess who does not establish her friends behind the tea- and chocolate-trays, and who is herself busily receiving, should be aided by her husband, sons, daugh- ters, or one or two near women friends. These, when possessed of kind and graceftd manners, will occupy themselves in inviting guests into the dining-room, pressing food upon the shy or reserved, and in pro- moting the general comfort and pleasure of the greatest number without regard to introductions or formalities. Beside the corps of hired helpers in the dining-room and the man outside, the giver of a reception is obliged to provide a servant on duty at the haU- 1 x» j: -LI ii • 1 • Special service door. Preferably this employee is a man ^^ receptions in house-footman's Uvery, or in the con- ventional man-servant's evening dress. His business is to locate for guests the dressing-rooms, hold the door open for departing guests, and give directions to the man outside as to the names or numbers by which required vehicles are to be called. In the hall, near the drawing-room door, a man in 426 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage butler's evening livery shoiold stand to ask approaching guests their names and announce them to the hostess. The proper mode of announcing guests is explained in Chapter Fourteen, page 371. WMle, in fashionable society, men-servants always predominate at receptions, a less pretentious hostess may rely for all service on capable maids in their own immaculate afternoon drawing-room livery (see Chap- ter Fourteen, page 376). One of these opens the hall- door, another annotmces the guests, and one or two more can easily manage in the dining-room. Indeed, in many houses a corps of clever women supplies ade- quately all the assistance needed at even the most stately functions. A maid-servant should not, of course, be expected to serve as outdoor attendant, and some sticklers for exact form hire a man to announce the guests. When a reception is held in an apartment- house, the street-entrance carpet is often dispensed with, but if the weather is stormy an awning and carpet would be necessary, and the hostess would be expected to give special instruction and fees to the man on duty at the door, and the elevator-boys, to instu-e courteous, careful, and prompt guidance of the guests to her floor and door. A hostess is privileged to receive her friends unsup- ported by feminine relatives or friends, or by a husband or son. This course a matron may fol- guests ^°^' ^^'^ successfully, when her entertain- ment is not the first given after settling in her home after her marriage, also when her reception is held in no one's special honor or behalf. When a married lady announces a first reception in a new home, a first reception of her conjugal career, a first reception after a return from prolonged travels, etc., she usually Receptions 4^7 receives with her husband. If she is introducing a feminine relative or young friend to society, or giving the entertainment in anyone's honor, the person of chiefest importance stands beside her and receives with her. Should a matron prefer not to receive alone, and shotild she have no women relatives, husband, or son to support her, she may invite one or more of her near and dear feminine friends to stand with her. When a lady desires special women friends either to receive with her or to assist her in the dining-room, she pays them the compliment of asking their aid in person and weU in advance of the day chosen for her function; or she writes them cordial notes of invitation. A young woman who is unmarried, or a spinster of mature years, does not care, as a rule, to stand alone to receive. A girl in her father's house may receive with her father, but not with a young brother, sister, or feminine friend near her own age. The laws of Mrs. Grundy decree that a youthftil spinster find the support of a matron friend or relative. A mature, unmarried woman is privileged to receive with her brother or slightly yotmger sister, but in fashionable and well-ordered society the spinster of any save venerable years receives, as a rule, with a matron relative or friend. A hostess at her reception takes up her position prominently in her drawing-room, and so near to, and well in view from, the main entrance-door that all the guests will see and greet her first. Whoever receives with her is so placed as to be greeted next after her hand has been pressed and her welcome spoken. With right hand extended and the most gracious expression of countenance, the giver of a reception greets all who respond to her invitations. The cordiality of her welcome, like the unprejudiced rain, must fall with 428 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e equal sweetness on the ears and eyes of every guest. " To make a fuss, " as it is commonly phrased, over the appearance of Mrs. A. and to accept the arrival of Mrs. B. with cool placidity, is not kind. To all, the grasp of the hostess's hand must be trndiscriminatingly firm and warm, and her simplest "How do you do?" must be uttered in a tone and with a glance that carries a pleasant conviction of most hearty interest. The wise lady in these circumstances does not gush to anyone. To Mrs. A. she says, "Ah, I am glad to see you"; to Miss B., "How good of you to come to my party, " and to Mr. C, " This is nice of you, a busy man, " vars^ng and repeating these simple modes of welcome as the long line of friends files past. To the person receiving with her a hostess introduces all those who are strangers to this individual; and she does not desert her important post until she is sure that the tide of her guests has begun to ebb. If a guest of honor is with her, she has the forethought to see that this lady or gentleman, as the case may be, is after a half-hovir carried off to the dining-room and comfortably re- freshed; showing similar forethought in behalf of the kind friend or social associate who supports her. A hostess does not expect her guests to seek her out to bid her farewell ; and always in her entrance-hall she places conspicuously an ample basket or platter, in which guests may conveniently leave their cards. The debutante, being the person of chief moment at such a reception, stands all the time that guests are arriving beside her mother, or that lady reception ^^° ^^ introducing her formally to society. She offers her hand and her most gracious greeting to aU her guests and all those introduced to Receptions 429 her; and if one or more debutantes make their bow to society simultaneously at the house of one of their number, the young hostess of the others stands nearest her mother and leaves her mother to introduce strangers to her young companions. If a debutante receives with her mother, and claims the support of several fair sister-buds who have already made their debut, she introduces her friends to her yotmg supporters, who stand near her in a pretty group dtiring the first half- hotu- of the reception. After that, she should beg the yotmg ladies to seek the dining-room and the society of those who may wish for their companionship. The husband, son, father, or brother, uncle, or grand- father, of a lady who holds an elaborate reception, may, or may not, receive with his woman relative. A husband stands beside his a reception wife to greet all the guests when the reception is a formal housewarming, or the first of his wedded career, given to respond to or inaugurate neighborhood festivities. Then, in all respects, his conduct is but a close imitation of that of his wife. He offers his hand with cordial words, such as: "Howdoyoudo, Mrs. A.? I am delighted to see you," — or "Miss B., how do you do, and is your agreeable brother along with you ? " — or "Mr. C, I appreciate the compliment of your coming up from T for our little festivity. " A husband or other masculine relative of the hostess, whose name has appeared upon the cards of invitation, remains beside his wife's, daughter's, or mother's side as long as she stands to receive, tmless the entertain- ment is given to introduce a debutante or some guest 430 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e of honor. In such circumstances, the host serves well and most wisely as a kind of peripatetic reception committee of one. He goes about on pleasant deeds intent; he takes single ladies, lonely couples, or shy men into the dining-room; he makes many introductions, and finally carries off the guest of honor, if there is one, for refreshment and a little exercise through the rooms. This is in aU respects conducted exactly on the lines of procedure laid down for an afternoon function, with the difference that refreshments in the reception form of a buffet supper are served. Ladies are not asked to potir tea and chocolate, but the delicacies are prepared and set forth very nearly after the fashion prescribed for a buffet ball supper (see Chapter Seven, page 240.) An outdoor reception or lawn party is but an at- home in the country and in summer, with the scene of festive operations transferred to the host- j^j^ ess's garden and shady verandas. For a garden party, adequate and pretty grounds form a charming background for many light- weight, easy chairs, camp-stools, cushions, and rugs disposed under the trees. A few bright umbrella-tents, set up here and there, a croquet-ground, and tennis- courts in readiness, add to the amusement of the more energetic guests. Music is requisite for such a festivity, and the members of the orchestra may be placed in bright costume and conspicuously, or they may be partially hidden in the shrubbery. Refreshments are usually most conveniently served from the veranda's shelter, or a marquee of striped awning set up under the trees. All the delicacies suitable for summer functions. R^eceptions 43 ^ as described on page 423, may be offered therefrom. A few feminine friends pressed into service at the tea-, ptonch-, lemonade-, and berry-tables can render effective assistance; or the whole task of adequately satisfying hvmger and thirst may be left to as many and the same types of servants as have been mentioned on page 425. An essential convenience at a garden party is a man- servant at the entrance-gate of the grounds to check unwarranted intruders and, opening the gate, direct guests in vehicles where to leave their traps, wheels, carriages, motor-cycles, and motor-cars. At the steps of the front entrance to the house, where guests descend from their conveyances, another man, in smart stable- man's livery, should be in readiness to drive, at need, any vehicles to that part of the grounds set apart for their accommodation. Usually, an arrangeraent is made to serve plain loaf cake, lemonade, and sand- wiches, to chatiffeurs, footmen, and coachmen, who must wait in obscurity while their employers regale themselves with delicacies and pleasures. The usual arrangement is for guests to leave their wraps indoors in rooms provided for their use, and then advancing on the lawn find the hostess prominently placed and ready to offer a hearty welcome from her position under a spreading tree or beside a fountain. In all other respects the management of a garden party is exactly that outlined for an indoor ftmction of the same nattire. Guests are allowed to stroll and talk in groups, to satisfy their appetites for dainties, and to divert themselves with games if they choose and if such are provided. Sometimes a hostess, as twilight falls, arranges for a partial and pretty illumination of her gardens, or suggests dancing in the wide house-hall or prepares 432 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage some little pastoral playlet. But these are non-essen- tial luxuries. As guests wish to depart they give notice to the servant in front of the house who sees that the requisite vehicles are brought round. A formal card of invitation, engraved or written, and expressing a host and hostess's request for the pleasure of an individual's company on a certain Answering date, reqtiires a prompt reply in accordant invitations terms, though the letters R. S. V. P. are never added to such invitations. The answer for a special request for one's company at a reception may most suitably take this form: Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Farwell accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. John Arnold, in honor of the coming of age of their son, on Thursday, January the third. or Miss Florence T. Ray sincerely regrets that an engagement of long standing prevents her acceptance of the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. John Arnold for Thursday, January the third. By the same obligation to courteous behavior, a person invited by note to attend a friend's reception would answer in kind; but when cards are issued K.eceptioi:is 433 announcing that Mrs. and the Misses C. are at home on a special date, and evidently most ceremoniously, or when a visiting-card is received inscribed as explained on page 417, then no formal reply is necessary. That person able to attend the reception does so in form, while one who is unable to attend posts cards to the hostess on the day of, or before, the reception, as described in the chapters on cards and on caUs (see pages 97 and 109). An invitation to a garden party requires a formal and prompt answer when it requests the pleasure of a guest's company. When it announces a hostess at home on her lawn, cards are forwarded if the hospitality cannot be shared. The etiquette for men and women is substantially the same where conduct at a reception is concerned. Arrival may be timed for any moment during the hours mentioned in the invita- * ^*^*gue°s° tion. The guest at a big winter reception in town goes, on arrival, first to the coat-room. A gentleman leaves there his overcoat, muffler, overshoes, and his hat, stick, or his umbrella if he chooses. The right-hand glove is removed, the left hand remains covered. A woman leaves, in the coat-room provided for her sex, her heavy wraps, overshoes, and umbrella. She does not remove her hat, veil, or gloves, or the coat of her tailor suit unless it is her outdoor coat. A lady precedes a gentleman into the presence of the hostess. As a rule guests put their cards (see chapters on cards and calls, pages 108 and no) into the receptacle in the hall before entering the drawing-room. When the servant on duty asks for the guest's name it is given as directed on pages 61 ard 81. 434 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e A guest advances first toward the hostess with out- stretched right hand, saying simply, "How do you do, Mrs. A.?" and accepts any introductions that lady may make to the person or persons receiving with her. When a number of new arrivals are crowding forward to engage the hostess's attention, the line must not be blocked by a halt to converse with the hostess and ex- change elaborately the compHments of the occasion. If guests are arriving but slowly, one who has the chance and who is greeted with some warmth and questions by her entertainer may gracefully enough stop to chat. A reception guest, accompanied by a relative or friend not known to the hostess, makes the necessary introduction immediately, but leaves it to an unhurried mistress of the occasion to repeat the intro- duction to those who stand near or who are receiving with her. At a garden party or an evening reception, the rule of arrival and greeting one's entertainer is exactly the same as has been given above. After the duty to his hostess is over, a guest passes on to greet other friends and into the dining-room. It is usual, at a garden party, for guests to bid the hostess farewell when the crowd is not great about this lady, and when she is not pre- occupied with the special duties of her position. When a reception is given in the special honor of a young man attaining his majority, a debutante maldng her bow to the social world, or in behalf of some person whose name has appeared on the hostess's cards of invitation, it is considered only gracious to make some effort to take leave of the hostess and guest of honor in polite phraseology, provided either or both of these individuals are not deeply engaged in conversation, or still busily receiving. R.eceptions 435 Masctdine guests at a reception or at a garden party are privileged to aid in providing their feminine com- panions with calces, sandwiches, etc. Where competent servants are in charge of the refreshments, a gentle- man does not attempt to pour out his own tea, choco- late, or lemonade, or serve anyone from the bowl of strawberries. His duty would be to ask one of the domestics in attendance to provide him with whatever of this nature he may need. A lady entering a dining- room or refreshment-tent waits to be served by the maids or men in charge; she helps herself to nothing. If there are friends of the hostess on duty in the room, or at the tea- and chocolate-trays, the guest addressed by them accepts the coiutesy, or refuses it, in most gracious terms, and is quite privileged to enter into conversation with these sub-hostesses, as they may be regarded. The length of time one should linger at a formal at- home or garden party is a point to be decided by indi- vidual preference. A guest may arrive early and stay late, enjojong intercourse with many friends and mak- ing more than one trip to the tea-table; it is per- missible for a hurried individual to remain not longer than fifteen minutes. Persons who, putting in ap- pearance toward the end of the afternoon, find that the tired hostess has deserted her post, must take pains to search for their entertainer. Unless the hour of arrival is very late, no apology for a tardy arrival is necessary. When, at a big reception, special musical numbers or recitations have been provided, the guests arriving while a song or poem is in progress wait outside the drawing-room door until the number is complete before advancing into the hostess's presence. 436 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e When a man, woman, or a married couple are com- plimented by a reception given for the purpose of introducing to them the acquaintances of of honor their friend and hostess, a special effort must be made to show grateful apprecia- tion of the honor conferred. The individual so distinguished can hardly, when approached by a would-be hostess and entertainer, refuse to accept the proffered compHment. Only ill- ness, the existence of heavy mourning, necessary absence, or a pressing and previous engagement on the date specified can be urged as adequate excuses for refusing the flattering favor; and refusal or acceptance must be couched in the most gracious spoken or written terms. Upon acceptance, the guest of honor must make it his business to be on hand at the hostess's house and side before the first caller is expected, prepared to exhibit his most agreeable social side. The guest of honor always stands next the hostess, always looks pleasantly pleased at each fresh arrival, always extends a right hand on greeting an old friend or accepting an introduction to a new one, and constantly reiterates the most amiable of commonplaces, such as: "Mrs. A., it is delightful to see you again, — or "Miss B.I Of course I recall Miss B., and my meet- ing her two years ago, with the greatest pleasure, " — or "How do you do, Mr. C? I wonder if you are not related to Mr. Gerald C. who is one of the most agreeable members of our Cincinnati society, " — or "Mrs. A., I am delighted to m^et you. " Until the very end of the afternoon and until the company has all but dispersed, the guest of honor remains, if possible. Before departure and leave are K.eceptions 437 taken of the hostess, warm words of thanks for the pleasure and distinction she has bestowed give but essential recognition of her kindness. By the assistant guests is meant those persons, usually ladies, who help to receive at the hostess's side, and those who preside over the beverage trays in __ ^, jf . Tit, • J 4. • 4 • The assistant the dinmg-room. Their duty is to amve guests in advance of the expected company. A lady who thus assists in the entertaining conducts herself in aU essentials as would a guest of honor. Ladies who preside in the dining-room are empowered to give orders to the servants, and only fulfill a duty when they render their zest for pleasure, as well as conversation with their particular friends, subordinate to a most amiable regard for the needs of strangers. A lady behind a tea-tray does not wait for introductions to men or women, but smUingly recommends her cheer- ing cup, or, on a guest's refusal, suggests a trial of the chocolate or punch and the solid delicacies on the table. Each dispenser of drinkables talks gayly to those about her, gives special attention to individual preferences concerning cream and sugar, and does not resign her post until the afternoon is on the wane, and she is sure of having done her full duty by the friends of her friend. For an elaborate afternoon reception a hostess wears a handsome and elaborately trimmed gown of the richest material she is able to afford, and perhaps of white, or pale tint, or vivid tone of receptions color. A hostess may receive in a superb black- velvet or a chiffon-veiled satin, or in a costume of lace, and she may heighten the effect of elegance and splendor by displaying any jeweled ornaments save a 438 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e tiara. The sleeves of her reception gown should reach at least to her elbow, but the neck of it shotild not be cut open lower than to the base of her throat. By preference, though, her sleeves may be wrist-long and her collar high, but she always displays white or very- pale-tinted gloves and delicate shoes. Sometimes a hostess elects to wear a wide plume-crowned hat or flowery toque while receiving. At a large and formal reception a hostess does not appear in a tea-gown, however sumptuous, and if she has received many bouquets she may place those conspicuously near her. At an evening reception the hostess wears full evening dress: that is, a handsome decollete gown, such as might appropriately appear at a baU, a dinner, or at the opera. She does not wear a hat for an evening ftmction, but she may put jewels in her hair. For a summer reception given in her country home in the afternoon, a hostess properly dons a handsome lingerie muslin or an elaborate foulard, with a flowery hat, light gloves, and delicate slippers. But she should wear less jewelry than at a winter reception in town. In event of a garden party, a hostess dresses as for an afternoon indoor summertime receptijiii; adding to the other etceteras of her toilet a handsome gay sunshade. She may receive hatless at her garden party holding up her sunshade for protection, or assume a large or small example of summer headgear to suit her age and preferences. A debutante wears at her "coming-out" reception a pretty toilet of white lace, net, or chiffon, or even embroidered Swiss over a tinted- or white-silk petticoat. This gown may be fiat in the neck and elbow-long in the sleeves, but it may not be d^coUete. A debutante does Receptions 439 not wear a hat or many jeweled ornaments at her first introductory reception. A woman guest of honor at a reception, and those ladies who assist in dispensing refreshments at a winter reception in town, dress, if they please, with as much gayety and elaboration as has been signified as proper for a hostess. They may, or they may not, wear their hats, and they do not as a rule remove their light-tinted gloves. Women guests at a winter at-home dress in handsome, braided, cloth walking suits, worn with fancy blouses and white gloves; or a guest is privileged to adopt a costume in all points as showy as that a hostess or guest of honor wears. A handsome satin wrap or a long carriage-coat trimmed with lace and braiding is not necessarily removed by a guest before entering a drawing-room. A lady in a two-piece tailor suit does not leave the coat in the cloak-room of a private reception, and only clumsy furs and a hot, heel-long, fur motor-coat would be slipped off and given to the servant in charge of the wraps. To a summer at-home in the country, women guests wear lingerie muslins, organdies, foulards, light satin, voile, and pongeersUk costumes, with white gloves and best hats, white shoes, and gay parasols. A similar cos- tume would be worn at a garden party, tmless the guest is purposing to participate in games: then, a short white-linen skirt, with a delicate lingerie blouse, a wide- brimmed saUor hat, white shoes and gloves, and a white-linen coat, is essentially modish. For evening receptions, the women guests attend in costume suitable for a dinner, a ball, or the opera. Masculine guests at an at-home in town dress as does a host on such an occasion : that is to say, in a frock- 44° Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e coat suit with white waistcoat or one of fancy goods. Or the man guest wears a black cutaway coat, gray trousers, and tan or gray waistcoat. A top-hat, gray gloves, and a boutonniere usually complete such a costume of a gentlemen arriving to pay his respects. In summer in the country, at indoor or lawn recep- tions, a host and his guests may dress precisely as for a winter function of this nature, or they may with per- fect propriety utilize their comfortable, spotless white flannels. CHAPTER EIGHTEEN TRAVELERS BY LAND AND WATER The wanderer to foreign lands, when taking leave of friends and relations on the steamer's deck, should accompany these amiable ones to the head of the gangway leading to the dock, ^f ^ ^^ as last good-bys are uttered. It is only polite to express warm thanks for the compliment that the exertion of "seeing-off " implies. There is a degree of tact to be shown by the "seeing- off" friends that is sometimes recklessly ignored. They should not, for instance, hang about the ship's deck till the last moment, causing deep anxiety to the already nervous traveler; and they should not exaggerate and prolong to a wearisome extent the business of speeding a seafarer on his way. In a case where friends and relatives gather on deck to see a voyager off, the friends should make farewells and take their departure before the relatives do so. Wanting in delicacy, indeed, is the mere acquaintance who stands by while devoted members of a family exchange tender and sometimes tearful farewells. There is no rule that may be cited to decide whether it is better to take in one's hand, or to send from a shop, flowers, fruit, books, or bonbons intended as a solace 441 442 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e for a voyager to foreign lands. It is an infinite saving of personal trouble, of course, to send the gift on from the shop and some hours in advance of the ship's departure. Persons not inclined for the duty or pleasure of seeing a friend off may order a box of roses, grapes, or sweets, or a packet of books forwarded from a shop. This gift should be accompanied by the giver's card firmly attached, and bearing some kindly sentiment written in pen or pencil. " Good-luck and best wishes for a happy holiday, " — or * ' With best wishes for a charming voyage from , ' ' — or " With the compliments and good wishes of ," are suitable phrases in these circumstances. A traveler should try to send back, by the ship's pilot, notes of thanks for gifts received, when their donors have not put in an appearance on deck. It is a degree more courteous to send thanks back immediately than to wait and post a note of appreciation at the conclusion of the crossing. Some persons make it a rule to post short notes, on arriving at their port, to all those friends who took the trouble to offer their final farewells on the ship's deck. These notes are written on the ship's stationery, give a brief resume of the events of the voyage, and are always duly enjoyed by their recipients. When a water journey lasts for twenty-four, thirty- six, or forty-eight hotirs, the traveler may follow personal preference by sitting at table Saloon etiquette ^ , , . , ■', , . '^ or on deck without addressmg anyone. But on a transoceanic steamer, or where a journey to the West Indies, or to Southern, Central, or South American ports is undertaken, it is. nothing less than churlish to appear on deck and in the dining-saloon and Travelers by Land and Water 443 deEberately ignore the existence of one's fellow-beings. At the first or second meal amiability requires that conventional recognition be taken of the nearest neigh- bors. This recognition may go no further than a gravely polite Good-morning, or a bow accompanied by a salutation. Exceedingly reserved persons may not desire to enter into friendly relations with fellow- travelers, but they need have at no time any difficiilty in avoiding the advances of too gregarious folk without betrajTing a rude disregard of the existence of others. It is essential on board ship to address a kind greeting morning and night to the stewards and stewardesses who give one any service whatsoever, and to bow, without any introduction, to those of the ship's officers who appear in the dining-saloon, also to the purser ard chief steward. At table, a passenger permissibly addresses conversa- tion to a fellow- voyager who sits at his right or left. A woman may thus venture to talk to a masculine stranger on her right; or a man is privileged to make conversa- tional overtures to a pleasant-looking feminine traveler on his left. Thereafter, on deck, further talk may ensue, and acquaintance ripen into friendship. Steamer- chair neighbors on a crowded deck who occupy the same positions several days in succession may exchange the civilities of the hour and find in one another's society congenial companionship. The diffictilties at- tendant on making friends at sea are not great, but care must be taken not to presume on a recently made acquaintance to borrow or use the belongings of a stranger. A traveler who is experienced as well as considerate is prompt to be polite to every one at sea, but slow to intimacy. Such a one does not gossip or comment on the behavior of one stranger in the ear of 444 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e another. A discreet woman may walk and talk with an agreeable man who happens to have a place near her at table, but she does not sit late with him on the deserted deck, and forget her dignity and the pubHcity of the scene when taking part in the deck-games ; or does she resort to the smoking-room tmless she is traveling on a German steamer. At no time, shotdd she allow a steamer acquaintance of the opposite sex to pay for any special luxury she may desire, beyond a possible small cup of coffee in the ship's restaiirant. A young woman traveling with her mother or other chaperon promptly presents any deck-made acquaintance to this lady. In the ship's library, or writing-room, it is not only discourteous, but against the rules, to talk even in whispers for any length of time if others Where con- a,re present and engaged in writing or counts reading. It is often thoughtless and un- kind to smoke in a stateroom, especially when all port-holes are closed and near neighbors may be rendered most imhappy by the fumes of cigarettes. It is grossly rude to sit late on deck, singing, laughing, and talking, under the open windows of occupied rooms. Children on deck and elsewhere on a ship must not be allowed to interfere with the talk, games, naps, or belongings of others. It is regarded as in some sort an obligation for passengers to attend, if possible, the ship's concert. If, however, for any good reason, a traveler absents himself, he should make it a point to contribute, at the conclusion of the programme, to the collection usually made in behalf of a charitable institution. When religious services are held on Sunday in the Travelers by Land and Water 445 saloon, passengers who attend should observe aU the reverence of demeanor they wotild display in church ashore. Many ladies carry decorous demeanor to the extent of donning hats and veils and gloves for deck or saloon services ; but this is a detaU to be decided by preference. If the position of a passenger's deck-chair is scarcely to his liking, he may not so twist his seat about as to block the free passage of promenaders ; nor is he privileged to remove a fellow-traveler's temporar- ily vacated seat in order to place his own more advan- tageously. Games and talk on deck may at no time be pursued to the obvious discomfort of many persons; only where an isolated position is secured have passen- gers a right to read aloud to each other. The passenger who feels justified in making a complaint of the service received, or of a want of consideration on the part of another traveler, must report the grievance to the proper authorities, and not fall into a way of grumbling, gossiping, and retaliating in kind. A difference with a servant or disapprobation of his behavior should be reported to the purser or chief steward, and the com- plaint made privately. If a fellow-passenger is un- reasonably noisy, blocks a passage with baggage, smokes in his cabin tmduly, or is guilty of imjustifiable imposi- tion, then the individual who suffers from annoyance may call a steward and demand that a request be made for more considerate treatment ; or, a reasonably irate passenger can interview the purser and require him to deal with the erring one for the restitution of missing property or the restoration of order. At the end of an ocean voyage of at least five days' duration, the fixed tariff of fees exacts a sum of ten shillings, or two dollars and a half per passenger to 446 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e every one of those steamer servants who have min- istered daily to the traveler's comfort. Thus, a single woman would give this sum to her stew- Steamship tips 1 * if 11 and extras ardess, her table steward, her stateroom steward, and, if the stewardess has not prepared her bath, she bestows a similar gratuity on her bath steward. If every day she has occupied her deck- chair, into which the deck steward has tucked her with care and to which he has brought her botdUon, tea, many meals, her book, her fancy-work, etc., he also will expect ten shillings, or its equivalent in marks, or francs, or lire. Steamers there are on which the deck boys must be remembered with a dollar each, and where a collection is taken up, by the boy who polishes the shoes, and the musicians, who discourse more or less melodious airs diuing the meals and at morning concerts. A woman with children and nurses, or a woman who has been lU on the voyage and received special attentions at the hands of her stewardess, may reasonably be expected by this servant to remember her to the extent of a sovereign or a five-dollar bill, or by a considerably larger sum. On the huge liners patronized by rich folk exclusively, the tendency of the tip-tariff is to fix the minimum gratuity at five dollars, with an advance to seven, ten, and twelve, where the stewardess, table steward, and stateroom steward are concerned. But plentiful are the luxurious ships in which aU kindly respectful attention is received from servants who accept the two- doUar-and-a-half fee with a thankful snule. On these less swift and gorgeous liners, where no attentions have been received from the deck steward, he may be given a nominal fee of a dollar per traveler, and fifty cents will cover the obligations to a deck boy. In good time Travelers by Land and Water 447 before a steamer docks, a sensible passenger pays any small accounts outstanding for extras ordered in saloon, smoking-room, on deck, or in the barber-shop. Men who have enjoyed this last-mentioned official's minis- trations pay daily; but at the end of the voyage they are expected to offer him an additional douceur. A masculine passenger must fee "the boots," his stateroom, bath, and table steward, as well as the deck and smok- ing-room steward. A married couple usually fee, with one sum, the servants in whose attentions they have shared. But the wife must not forget her stewardess, nor the husband his obligations in the smoking-room, if he has made use of it. If the ship's doctor has been called in, to give advice or render aid, an inquiry should be made at the purser's office concerning the ship's rules in relation to this official. When the doctor does not render a bill, then the passenger should send him a fee of a size to be fixed with reference to the niomber of his visits and extent of his services, and also with reference to the length of the passenger's ptu-se. A ship's doctor's bill is paid at the purser's office; a fee should be sent him enclosed with a note of thanks in a sealed envelope. On entering a railway-car a gentleman follows the woman he escorts. On leaving a car he makes his exit first, and offers his hand to his feminine companion to facilitate her descent. A . ^^ young woman follows this course when her fellow-traveler is a member of her own sex and her senior. The same rule holds good with regard to the deference due from young gentlemen to older men. Common consideration for the rights of fellow-beings requires a traveler by rail to refrain from pushing 448 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e ahead with rude violence, from taking up more seat- room than is required by one person in a crowded car, from piling belongings on a seat, and from blocking an aisle with possessions that shotild be stored in racks or at the owner's feet. Ill-bred, indeed, is that passenger who restlessly wanders up and down the aisle of a car on futHe errands, who turns to stare repeatedly at persons in his rear, who talks loudly of his own or another's affairs, and who comments, with incautious witticisms, on the appear- ance and behavior of strangers. A deferential traveler gives a woman, or a senior companion, the window- seat. In foreign lands it is considered an unselfish courtesy to allow one's friend and companion a choice of seats when one of two faces the locomotive- In the countries of southern Europe a gentleman finding himself in a railway carriage with strang- ers bows politely as he, or they, rise to descend at a station. On the continent of Europe it is only by the consent of all the passengers in a railway carriage that a window may be opened. At the objection of but one individual the window must be closed and kept so: therefore, it is the rule, before lowering a window in a carriage shared with strangers, to turn and politely request permission to let in the air. If the permission is not forthcoming, that fresh-air-loving passenger does not increase the good will of the others by a refusal to abide by their decision. In our American trains a window is usually controlled by the passenger who sits beside it, but it is distinctly unkind to open a window in the train so that dust, cinders, or cold draughts enter to the evident annoyance of a feUow-passenger. Travelers by Land and "Water 449 The wealthy and generous owner of a large touring automobile who Invites a party of friends to fill the seats of his fine vehicle and spend with him a week doing the chateatix on the t^^j Loire, or the cathedrals of southern Eng- land, or the picttiresque roads of Massachusetts, must be prepared to bear all the expenses incurred. If he is by no means a rich person, then, with friends who are intimates, some sensible division of the costs of this luxtirious mode of travel may be decided upon well in advance of the first day of the journey. The hospitable proprietor of a fine car must not, however, in any cir- cumstances, overfill his vehicle, and he must select fellow-travelers of proven good temper and good spirits. If, as host, he shares no expenses with anyone, he must, when putting his hand into his pocket, be prepared to do so without even one wry smile, and set off on his expedition well financed for any costly emergencies. Before starting on his tour it is his bounden duty to learn all the rules and regulations of road-rights, speed-limits, etc., on the route he purposes to take. It is also expected of him that he will provide maps, guide-books, etc., in handy form, and know the names and locations of the best hotels along the roads he means to follow. He is not obligated for the travel- ing expenses of any of his friends to the agreed point of rendezvous whereat the tour is to begin. But, from the moment his party enters his car for the first day's run to the end of the last mile of the tour, he is mainly responsible for their comfort and pleasure. His guests will reasonably expect to find his automo- bile in perfect condition, and stocked with water and chill-proof robes. His car must boast a hamper capable of holding enough food and hot and cold drinks for 450 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e luncheons on the roadside, teas under the trees, and for emergencies. He must be ready to name the points at which every night's lodging and baggage may be found ; and mentally and morally he should be weU braced to meet the heaviest strains that human contrariety may levy upon his courtesy, patience, temper, and generos. ity. The host of a motor tour must be kind, forgiving, forbearing, and prompt; and he must know how to dismiss his friends in good spirits to their couches at night, and gather them up at an early hour in a smUing mood the next morning. If such a host is a bachelor, and he desires to include girl friends in his party, a chaperon must be provided for them. This social guardian may be the father or elderly vmcle of one of the young women; or if no married woman is asked to matronize the tour, his own spinster sister, aunt, or woman cousin, a person of decidedly mature years and manner, may lend perfect dignity of presence to the situation. A touring host meets, from his own pocket, the expenses incurred by his guests at wayside inns and hotels for food and lodging; he does not, however, pay for the forwarding of baggage from point to point. He is also responsible for the tipping, and if he drives his own car he invites his women guests, in some order of rotation, to sit beside him from time to time while he is on duty at the wheel. If his chaperon is a kind matron friend, he gives her invariably the choice seat in the tonneau, and at the conclusion of the tour thanks her for her amiable fulfillment of a sometimes difficult office. When on a motor tour the expenses are divided, the guests sharing costs with the owner of the automobile, every traveler settles his own hotel or inn bill. At the Travelers by Land and "Water 45^ end of the tour the sum total of garage fees and costs of gasoline, etc., are added up and paid for in equal parts by those who have enjoyed the trip. Usually, one of the gentlemen of the party, or the car's owner, dis- charges these essential expenses day by day and keeps a careful account. A hired automobile and chauffeur, engaged by a party of friends, are also paid for in shares: one masctiline member of the party is placed in the office of treasurer, keeps the daily accotmts, and renders a daily reckoning or may expect a settlement at the end of the tour. A motor guest on tour may not justifiably indtilge in any individual whim, habits, or prejudices to the obvious annoyance of fellow-travelers. Persons aiHicted with weak eyes, weak The guest of a , . - . , motor tour backs, and uncertam tempers, who are easily bored, easily fatigued, and who cannot carry a merry heart all the way, should not go a-touring. Once embarked upon such an enterprise, a sense of considera- tion for others must govern one's words and ways, and special thought should be taken in behalf of the host or hostess of the car. When the owner of the vehicle is meeting aU expenses, the guest must discover, previous to departure, the course to be followed, the stops to be made, and the points at which needed baggage may be met. Thereupon, in advance, essential clothing may be sent on ahpad to be held at hotels pending the owner's arrival. In the forwarding of these possessions the guest must bear every expense and worry, and only carry in the car as many small belongings as may be stowed in a handbag or basket-case of moderate size. This receptacle should contain only those absolute essentials that make for decency and comfort when 452 Cyclopaedia of Social XJsa^e baggage is ddayed, or when, by accident, the party may be forced to put up at a wayside hostelry. Additionally to these things, a tourist should carry a wrap for hot, and one for chilly weather, and both coats may well be long and waterproof. A woman should provide herself with ample veils and proper means of protecting her eyes. At hotels, the traveler who is the guest of the owner of the car should meet inadequate accommodations of room or table with perfect good-humor, and not with an air of either dis- approval or of grim resignation. Such extra comforts as baths, shoe-cleaning, special foods, or bedroom service shotild not be allowed to appear on the bill presented to the host, and prompt observance of all appointments is a prime essential of conduct. A host may prove tyrannical, or too economical, a reckless driver, or one who impatiently refuses to stop at points of interest, and a guest may thereby sttffer humiliation, discomfort, or bitter disappointment, but no sign of these painful sensations should, along the route, be visible in the tourist's words or facial expres- sion. A trying situation should be met with a fine fortitude, which is a proof of good breeding. Deter- mination at all costs to preserve an air of sweet reason- ableness and gay amiability, in the face of thoughtless, self-indulgent rudeness, always results in a final and glorious victory of manner over sheer temper. This same rvile, to be polite at any price and to meet difficult conditions and temperaments with persistent disregard of disagreeables, must be observed in one tourist's intercourse with another. The traveler by automobile must not allow himself to see slights or impositions, or take offense; and he must, at all times and at all costs, appear to be enjoying his experience. Travelers by Land and Water 453 To siilk or sit in moody silence, to be late for breakfast and to complain of weariness at the end of a long day, is to strike a discordant note ; and not to be able to meet an accident and long roadside wait with a buoyant air of enjo3nng an amusing experience is to prove that one has none of the essential qualities of a fine traveler, or a fine manner. When the costs of a tour are divided, the duty of every participant in the luxury of a car is to meet the daily or weekly discharge of expense accounts with the most punctilious promptness. The programme of route, etc., is usually, in these circumstances, fixed by a gen- eral agreement. A suggested change, proposed by one member of the party, should be offered as subject to acceptance or rejection by the whole party agreeing in concert. Even in the matter of average speed to be maintained, and the lowering or raising of the top, or a choice of two routes to be followed, the wishes of the majority ought to be ascertained and accepted in smiling submission by the minority. The woman who purposes to go alone to an hotel of the first class in any of the great cities of Europe or America wisely writes in advance to an- 1 . , , 1,1, The hotel and nounce her coming, and to ask that pension guest accommodations be reserved on a given date. The large, first-class, and well-managed hotels of London, New York, Paris, and Berlin look rather askance on the lone woman who arrives without warn- ing or escort to ask for lodging. There are instances in which ladies of the most dignified demeanor and unblemished reputation have been refused accommoda- tion or treated with an air of suspicious scrutiny at an hotel office where their name, personality, or family was 454 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e not known. The letter in advance often obviates a trying experience from which the single man, who looks reputable and well able to meet his bOl, is never known to suffer. There are, however, in every city, abundant quiet and highly reputable hostelries where the woman alone, who is accompanied with baggage and whose dress and manner bespeak dignity and self-respect, finds no difficulty in securing shelter. But in whatever hotel and under whatever circum- stances a woman finds herself accommodated, her manner invariably betrays her social quality. In a great city hotel a lady alone does not linger in the office or in the public hallways. Her business takes her only into the sanctum of the clerk, and her exits and en- trances are effected quickly and with as little ostenta- tion as possible. If there is a choice of entrances, she makes use of the quieter one, and appears but briefly in the public reading-, writing-, and sitting-rooms. When alone in a fashionable hotel, a well-bred woman appears in the restaurant in her hat and gloves. She dines early, orders no wines, and prefers an inconspicuous place in the restaurant. A young lady in a large hotel with her mother, father, elder sister, or matron chaperon takes her meals in the company of her companion, and appears only in their society to listen to the hotel orchestra, or for a half -hour after dinner in the public drawing-rooms. At a seaside, country-resort, or foreign hotel where a prolonged stop is to be made, such precise reserve in demeanor is not expected of the feminine guests. Settled down for a series of weeks in a resort for health or pleasure, a woman traveling quite alone or in a party, and of any age, comes and goes rather at her own sweet will. She goes to her special seat in the dining- Travelers by Land and Water 455 room at the regular meal-times, hatless, gloveless, and alone or with members of her party. She does not, at any time and in any circumstances, unless a person of the most venerable age, receive masculine callers in her bedroom or alone in her private sitting-room. She may not assume a familiar air with the hotel clerk; or sit late in obsciire comers of the groimds with masculine admirers; or present herself at any time to the public gaze in any but the most tidy and appropriate costume. She is not privileged to speak to masctoline strangers in the hotel, unless they chance to sit beside or opposite her at the long table d'h6te. A very yotmg lady alone at a fashionable hotel at Aix-les-Bains, St. Moritz, Homburg, or in Florida, should not, in the evening, and in conspicuous evening dress, sit on a terrace unchaper- oned to listen to the band and sip coffee or liqueurs. But a spinster of dignified bearing and evidently well past her girlhood is permitted to enjoy every liberty that a married woman might claim. At foreign hotels and pensions guests bow and mur- mur polite greetings morning and night without intro- duction, and without presiiming upon this decent civility. A gentleman is expected, in those continental hostelries of Etu-ope that lie outside the great cities, to greet the woman stranger with a lifting of his hat and a "Bon jour, Madame,'" or a "Bon soir, Mademoiselle." Newcomers to a hotel receive these greetings first from those already installed. In foreign hotels the waiters are addressed at need as "Gargon," the waitresses as "Mademoiselle," the chambermaids are spoken to by their Christian names; the clerk is hailed as "Mon- sieur, " and the porter as "Porteur." In English hotels the waitress, when her given name is not known, will expect to be addressed as "Miss, " the man at the door 456 Cyclopeedia of Social Usa^e as "Porter, " but in other respects the usage is the same as in American hotels. In foreign pensions the feminine head is addressed as "Madame," her husband would be designated as," Monsieur." In a continental Etiropean boarding- house the guests wish one another good-morning or good-day, and enter into conversation without intro- duction. The traveler who leaves a foreign pension or Ameri- can boarding-house should take friendly leave of the head, or heads, thereof. Complaints or grievances at a hotel or a pension should be made and aired in the office, with a request for correction or consolation; and unhappy is the way of that man or woman who carries the local gossip and scandal from ear to ear. In a large and fashionable hotel, generous and widely diffused gratuities are expected by the employees. The experienced traveler generally distributes Tips in hotels . ^ .^. , ^ 1 and pensions "^ gratuities a sum equal to ten per cent. of the amoimt of the bill. This is a satisfactory solution of a difficulty, save when some special or unusual attentions have been received at the hands of one or more of the domestics: then, their expectations should be adequately fulfilled by some- thing more than a share in the fixed sum. It is custom- ary, when a lengthy sojoium is made in an hotel or pension, to tip the chambermaid, the various waiters, and the porter who does one's boots, once in every week. Once in every fortnight the head waiter's expectations should be satisfied, and where an elevator- boy and door-man are on duty, they, too, have claims on the purse of the guest. In the English and American boarding-house the weekly tip is not expected by the Travelers by Land and "Water 457 servants, but an habitue of the house should, as generously as the individual income wiU allow, remem- ber them at Christmas with a gift of money, and on leaving satisfy their natural expectations with a gift of cash. In the pensions and smaller hotels of continental Etu-ope the weekly rate for tips is a franc per servant. Therefore, it is wise to allow for a weekly outlay of from four to five francs in this direction. In a fashion- able European hotel the rule of tipping a franc a week all round may safely be observed dtuing a long stop. But, at the hour of departiore, something extra must be added to the weekly franc, and the head waiter wUl scarcely snule as blandly as need be if he is not propi- tiated with gold. The concierge wiU also look for a gold piece, the door-men wUl expect a douceur each, and the several porters who handle luggage, as well as the coachman of the hotel omnibus, have claims that it is well to recognize and meet before they urge them. Simple and suitable and extremely tidy should the costtune be of those who voyage by land or water. For a long railway journey, a woman should not wear a large hat garnished with fragile ^^^^ or showy trimming. Ostrich plumes, white lace, and pink roses, do not stand the sea air or coal smoke well. Nor do delicate pale silks, airy mus- lins, or superb velvet appear to advantage on trains or boats. A woman's traveling-smt by land or sea should be compact, comfortable in appearance, and preferably dark in color: that fabric is best for a steamer or railway suit that stands the test of dust and moisture well. Neat shoes, well-fitting gloves that are not shabby, a fresh stock or ruche, or ribbon, or frill at the throat, and hair that is in immacidate order mark the capable 458 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage woman traveler whose appearance is always agreeable. For the dining-room of a fashionable hotel in England or on the continent of Europe, dinner dress may be suitably donned; or a high-necked, elbow-sleeved pale- tinted reception gown may be utilized at the table d'h6te or in the more exclusive restaurants. In the United States, full dress at a hotel dinner does not imply such a dinner dress as is seen at a private house, but an elaborate afternoon gown is recognized as the proper costume, worn with or without a flower toque, a handsome feathered hat. or a fancy hair ornament in a fashionable coififure. At small hotels, at pensions, and boarding-houses, the women guests should make a dinner toilet in the even- ing, wearing a pretty fancy blouse with a dark or light skirt, or a complete afternoon dress. On steamships it is now the rule to " dress for dinner. ' ' This dress for a woman may imply a fancy blouse worn with the plain short skirt of her traveling dress, or a theatre costume, or a dinner dress cut but half decoUete, that is, a little low in the neck and only elbow-length of sleeve. For men, the proper traveling dress is a qiiiet morn- ing stiit, dark gloves, and such a hat as would be worn on the street at home. In the evening, at hotels and on board ship, dinner dress with a round-tailed coat, low shoes, or pumps, white linen, and a black tie, is the proper change. At pensions and boarding-houses the masculine traveler as a rule merely assumes fresh linen and a change of necktie with his morning dress, and this course is often followed on board the less fashionable ships and at modest hotels. Save for the essential ornaments of dress, watch and chain, brooch, tie-pin-, sleeve links, etc., neither the Travelers by Land and Water 459 well-bred man nor woman makes a display of jewelry when traveling. Earrings, pearl collars, diamond rings and studs, superb pendants, and a varied change in chains and bracelets serve only as a dangerous and pretentious display of possessions on board of trains and in pension and hotel dining-rooms. CHAPTER NINETEEN FOR VERY YOUNG FOLK Children of no more than five years of age may well begin in their play and in their association with the The early adult members of the family to leam and influence to practise courtesy. Thus, a child of very tender years, wanting perhaps in beauty or unusual wit, seldom faUs to win friends when it understands all the rules of right behavior, and it vastly redotmds to the credit of a mother that her boys and girls have a reputation for graceful, gracious conduct, which they practise both at home and abroad A careful parent begins early to teach her to slip from her seat, with inconspicuous but none the less intentional deference, when an adult Respect for enters the room, and to stand till her 6lfl.6TS senior has fotmd a chair. A child of either sex should leam to show this courtesy to a mature brother or sister, to an aunt or uncle, to his parents, and to any stranger who is the social equal of his family. At the dining-table a seated child should rise as belated grown-ups of the household appear; but he need not press forward to offer a chair when one of the 460 For Very Young FolK 461 adult members of his family, or a caUer, arrives on a veranda or in one of the reception-rooms. By a pretty and modest act the yoiongster leaves the newcomer to choose the vacated seat at pleastire. A well-bred child lingers always to pass out of a room in the rear of its elders, going forward, when the opportunity seems advantageous, to hold open a door or gate and to close any portal with quiet care. Invariably, with strangers and guests of mature years, a child waits to be greeted and invited to participate in conversation. No yotingster is so little attrac- tive as that one who demands recognition by forestal- ling even its mother's greeting of a caller, and who insists tmbidden on taking an active part in the general talk. Children possessing true charm of manner wait to be noticed by their elders, and respond modestly to friendly overtures. Naturally, timid little folk are not set the more at their ease on being invited to assume a bold air of complete self-assurance, or are they made the more confident and happy when pushed to the front and incited to "show off." In the earliest nursery days, the little one should be taught to greet all members of the household, from his parents to a chore boy, with a most cheer- ful " GooJ-worwmg. " A caller who holds ourteous out her hand saying, "How do you do, Harry?" must be greeted with a " Thank you, Mrs. A., I am quite well, " and the small boy's right hand. After this the conversation should be created first by the adult, unless she is a well-known friend on whose attention and interest the child may safely venture. In the exchange of polite formalities with a grown-up 462 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e stranger, even the shyest child shoiald be taught never to answer with the abrupt "No," " Yes," I guess so," "Thank you," etc. To an adult a poHte and well- trained child sufSxes the title of the person answered, thus: "No, mother," " Yes, Aunt Mary," "Thank you, Miss Blanke. " To a complete stranger a little boy or girl responds by "No, sir," — or " Yes, madam." Children allowed to take one another up sharply have often, in later life, to struggle against a militating emphasis of speech. It therefore behooves a careful mother to drill her little ones in the polite phrases, "I think you are mistaken," — or "/ heg your pardon, hut I heard, or saw, " etc., or to leave a statement unchal- lenged when its correction is not essential or worth discussion. And, by the same token, a mother should be at pains to teach her little ones never to interrupt the speech of another person, whether a jimior or senior. The child who inadvertently slams a door should come back to say, "7 am so sorry," and close it again with special care. "I really didn't intend to interrupt you, Mrs. Blanke, and I beg your pardon," is the proper expression she uses on momentary forgetfulness of her nice code of behavior. The polite little boy should be trained to offer to look for a needed book, paper, or tennis-racket, and he may not only give up his own chair but voltuiteer to go for another one, for a footstool, or to deliver a message. "May I carry your basket for you, Mrs. Blanke ? " — or " Will you let me go for your book, mother? " are among the beginnings that later develop the barefoot country lad into a very gallant American gentleman. Just how elaborate a children's dance, afternoon on For Very Yoving FolK 463 a lawn, or private theatricals, shotild be, it remains for the taste and the purse of every mother to decide. Perhaps no child is the better or happier for great elaboration and ceremony observed at . , its entertainments; and no boy or girl hospitalities profits from a mere display of luxury, in the midst of which he or she fails to appear to the most gracious advantage. At their parties, and for their parties, the juvenile host and hostess should play active and adequate parts. Profitably to themselves, children may assist in writing out and addressing their invitations. All their hospitalities of a more formal sort should be preceded by written cards or notes of bidding. Rich parents sometimes have the invitations for the boy-and-girl dance engraved. Then, cards boasting some pretty etched or colored border decoration are preferably used; and the wording thereon is cast into this form, when the children are not yet in their teens: Violet and Harry Blanke request the pleasure of your company at a dance on Monday evening, May the twenty-first from six to nine o'clock. R.S.VJP. 40 Vine Street. For children who have passed into their teens the titles "Miss" and "Mr." are used. Where, on cards, the invitations are written out, the above form might be suitably altered thus: 464 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Miss Susan Dale requests the pleasure of Miss Violet Blanke's company at a strawberry tea on the afternoon of July the first, at three o'clock. Shrublands. Children's notes of invitation, even when written by the aid of an adult's pen, should make the ofiEer of hospitality in suitably simple language: Dear Violet : My mother is giving me a party on my birthday, Wed- nesday the tenth of January. I hope you can come and your brother Jim, too. We shall play games and dance from foiir to seven o'clock. Yours as ever, Mary Blanb^e. or Dear Edward : The dancing-class is to meet at our house on the evening of January the third, when we shall begin at seven and dance till ten. Will you come as my guest? And thereby give much pleasure to Yours very sincerely, Harvey Duncan. A child host or hostess should receive the guests as caref tdly and cordially as a grown-up ; always with the mother standing close by to add her greetings to those of the youthftil representative of the house. To every guest the young entertainer shotdd extend the right hand of greeting, with the words, " / am glad to see you, Mary, " or "Jack, " as the case may be ; addiag at need, "Mother, this is Harry Blanke, " or "Jack Duncan. " For Very Yovin^ FolK 465 When a dance beginning late in the afternoon is given, the reception-rooms shotild be artificially lighted, and the juvenile head of affairs need not be reqtaired to stand too long at the business of receiving. The mother may assist in the discharge of these duties, but the young host or hostess ought to return after every dance to the mother's side, and to the business of receiving, till all those expected have put in their appearance. Thereafter, under the maternal eye, the yotmg en- tertainer should not attend so strictly to pleasure as to fail in any essential duties. For instance, a boy host must manage to dance with as many girl guests as possible, and try to help provide shy misses vdth boy acquaintances to lead them on to the floor. Similarly, a girl hostess must not refuse to dance with shy or clumsy boy guests, and must see that all her girl friends are taken in to supper, and not allowed to sit against the wall. Meanwhile, the mother and elder sisters of a chUd host can go far toward achieving the pleasure and com- fort of every guest by sedulous observations and effort. For the nxu-ses who accompany young charges, refresh- ment ought always to be provided ; for parents or other adtilt relations who escort the various guests a warm greeting, a seat whence the children's games may be seen, and a special table in the dining-room must needs be prepared. At a children's party, whether taking place on the lawn or in an electrically lighted drawing-room, dress- ing-rooms are requisite, and the refreshments offered shotdd not be either so varied or so rich as to strain unduly the modem well-dieted child's powers of self- restraint. At a winter party for yoimg children, hot chocolate or cocoa and hot bouillon and rich oyster 466 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e broth are the proper beverages to offer. Beside these, hot and cold milk and lemonade, varied sandwiches wanting in the more highly savored ingredients, cakes in the most gorgeous apparel of icing, bonbons fanci- fully arranged, tinted jeUies, custards, and frozen creams are among the foods that specially appeal and cater without harm to yotmg appetites. It is essential to provide as well plain biscuits and bread and butter for the youngsters who must needs observe always a severely simple regimen. Fruit and flowers in decorative effects, with table fireworks, crackers to pull, and souvenirs for every plate lend to the feast compensating features for those who have to be denied many delicacies. At a dance for children ranging from thirteen to seventeen, a supper is served either from a table set as a btiflet, or at one long, elaborately dressed table, whereat the guests seat themselves in relays. There, hot botiillon, oyster stew, creamed chicken, and a salad panacMe with crisp roUs and sparkling waters suffice, when supported adequately by jellies, iced puddings, mousse, cakes, bonbons, and fruit. For an outdoor summertime entertainment, the youthfxil host or hosts receive as for an indoor function. They take up a position on the lawn or oartv ^^ ^^ ^^^ head of the veranda steps. The gayer the garden is made with bunting and lanterns, tiny tents, and well-displayed apparatus for games, the more ready the appeal to juvenile high spirits. The outdoor party is the more successful in proportion to the number of prizes offered for achieve- ments at simple tests of skiU; to the number of tents or arbors wherein disguised adult sibyls examine pink For Very Youn^ FolK 467 palms, or look into basins of colored sand or water and descry attractive features ; and where kind elder sisters and cousins organize games. At such entertainmients, a flower-wreathed lemonade bowl, and a table whence nulk, plain and with seltzer, are dispensed from under a tree all the afternoon, are important features. The more serious business of deal- ing with berries and cream, cake and ices, fruit and bonbons may wisely be restricted to an indoor dining- room. Children at an age when the use of the pen has been even fairly mastered should answer their own invitations. On his own note-paper ^ ^^^^^ a Uttle boy may reply thus to the first formula given on pages 463; 464: Edward Raymond accepts with much pleasure the kind invitation of Violet and Harry Blanke to their dance on Monday evening. May the twenty-first, from six to nine o'clock at 40 Vine Street. To the second formula, the reply should be expressed with the use of the titles "Miss" or "Mr. " as the case may be, and between children regrets are usually not veiled in fixed phrases, but stated precisely. Notes to invitations are answered by notes in simplest sentences. Yotmg people, on arriving at a scene of festivity, divest themselves first of their wraps and then present themselves to the hosts of the occasion. To a 468 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e yotmg hostess's expressed pleasure at her friend's appear- ance, the guest should reply, "Thank you," only, or offer a ' ' How do you do, Mary ? " To that grown person who assists a very youthful hostess in greeting her friends, the guest should extend his hand with a little bow and a " Thank you, Mrs. Blanke; I am so glad to be here. " If the festivity is in honor of a birthday, then the guest, on greeting his host, should offer "Many happy returns of the day," or "/ wish you a happy birthday and many of them. " Before the moment of departure a. boy or girl guest seeks out both host and his mother and offers a grateful little speech. It is enough for a child to say: "Good-by, Mary; it has been a delightful party," — or "Good-by, Mrs. Blanke, I have had such a good time, " — or " Thank you so much, Mrs. Blanke, for the splendid time I 've had." As host in a nursery or playground, a boy must realize the need, at necessity, of making a sacrifice of all but his honor in behalf of his guest. What every jje must not look critically at his friend's child shotild , . i- j j i. j. ±. ^^^^ plam or even tmtidy dress; he must not comment unkindly on his shabby shoes or want of pocket-money, or laugh at his ignorance of this or that. A rough, selfish, or destructive visitor's trying ways must be endtired with the best grace pos- sible; and never too early can a mother begin to teach her child the treachery that lies in telling tales of a guest's misbehavior, or in the vulgar snobbishness that shows in a tendency to draw disparaging comparisons. A youthful hostess may be early taught the beauty and importance of voluntarily yielding to her little visitor For Very Young Folk 4^9 the choice seat in a trap or boat; of foregoing, in the young friend's behalf, the leadership in a favorite game; of the charm of an ungrudging loan to a juvenile caller of a prized possession, and of a display of generous patience when the pleasure of a visitor may be thus promoted. Similarly, in the role of guest, a chUd is helped to an understanding of its future social obligations when she is instructed to respect the belongings of another; when, in a stranger's drawing-room, she is restrained from picking up or touching ornaments, and from wandering about in a reckless spirit of investigation. If, on her return from a friend's house, a small girl dilates on the shortcomings of her entertainers and finds nothing kindly to say, her powers of observation should not be encotu-aged at the risk of developing in her the habits of a censorious, gossiping woman. The child who goes to visit for a day or two at the home of a relative or friend leaves a pleasant impression behind in proportion as she has risen promptly, made a careful toUet, turned up at the breakfast-table with a cheerful face and morning greeting, and left her bedroom wide open and tidy and the bed arranged for airing. She leaves sweet memories in her wake who has not hung over her story-book, blind to the fact that she has chosen some one's favorite chair, forgotten to clear away her doll's clothes from the family sitting-room, and, while deep in the adventvires of "Mary Annie," failed to hear the luncheon bell, or realized that her aid was needed in helping somebody look for a required book or work- bag. Children should know, and this knowledge should be impressed upon them in their earliest years, that cour- tesy begets courtesy, and that it is useless and selfish 470 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage to exact considerate treatment in return for a ruthless disregard of the code of etiquette. But are there not, after all, in social intercourse, certain rights of the child in its relation to the adult to . be considered? Surely it is a point in grown-up etiquette to be dwelt upon that elders are apt to demand a consideration from children on no basis of reciprocation. " Why does n't that child. Jack, say good-morning to me ?" growled a thirty-year-old uncle concerning a boy of ten. "Because he has been taught to wait for his elders to speak to him first, " answered the mother of the boy. The reproof was well deserved and may serve as a text to a paragraph on the unconscious rudeness many adults show to children, who are human and wonderfully sensitive to the compliment of cotutesy. Even the shyest of children feel snubbed by the grand lady who, strong in her admiration of her own fine manner, fails entirely to notice small Marjorie's existence. A child appreciates the simple courtesy showed by the adult who takes the initiative in the exchange of greetings; who holds out a hand, saying, "Ah, Jack, " or "Jennie, how do you do?" or who begins an acquaint- ance by the words: " This is your son, Mrs. Blanke? I am very happy to make your acquaintance. Jack. " Again a child resents, and rightfully, the rude vague- ness of the adult who can never remember his or her name, and who, while an habitue of his parents' housCj calls Jack by the name of Ned, and blandly announces that he cannot tell Jennie from Florence. Painfully often are parents at f aiilt in their disregard For Very Yovin^ FolK 47 ^ of childish dignity ; and deep is the hurt inflicted by the mother who humiliates a boy or girl needlessly in public. Thus, when Jennie makes an tmlucky speech before a third person, her mother should not take thereupon occasion to rebuke and lecture. Children in their sheer ignorance are often at fault, and a mother knowing this may well say gently : " We will talk of that another time, my dear, " — or " / don't think Mrs. Blanke would be interested to hear what Bobbie Jones did. " Later, in private, she may make the meaning of her interruption clear. The thoughtless parent has, however, an tmlucky way of checking a voluble young person by an abrupt "That's enough, Mary," — or "Don't be silly," — or "If you cannot behave yourself, I shall send you to bed." Even further along the rough path of ill breeding that leads straight into the quagmires of vulgarity proceeds that adult who so sharply and roughly corrects that the rebuked child answers back. Then, a contro- versy ensues, which reveals nothing else so clearly as the short temper, poverty of dignity and discipline possessed by the guardian or grown-up relative. Rude is it in the extreme for an adult to discuss a child's shortcomings with another grown-up in the boy or girl's presence. "Jack is terribly stupid, I am afraid," or "Jennie is such a tiresome child; she is always breaking things, " are frank maternal criticisms that often cut deep into a childish heart, as does the laughter of a matured visitor at some unlucky speech, awkward movement, or mis- prontmciation on Jennie's part. Young feelings are tender, while a sense of boyish or girlish dignity is keen ; consequently that parent is discreet and kind who leaves 47^ Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e sharp corrections for strictly private interviews, and is careful not to bruise sensitive juvenile vanity. A sense of simple courtesy restrains the same parent from unflattering comments on her boy's muddy shoes as he comes forward with the politest zeal to take a visitor's hand or to do some grown-up person a favor. A parent shotild not forget that it is singularly unnerving to be told roughly in public that your face needs wash- ing, and having been a child once herself, she does not forget to hold out her hand pleasantly and say good-by to a neighbor's small daughter who happens to be present at the conclusion of her caU. Children need not be overestimated as social tmits in the company of adults, but they should by no means be ignored, and there are none more sensitive to truly fine manner and more quickly imitative of sweet civility than the children, who benefit by the observa- tion and practice of it among the older members of their own household. CHAPTER TWENTY ON NOTE AND LETTER WRITING A PROMPT axiswer to a note frequently ttameth away much wrath. Here, we have special reference to the note that offers a hospitality, asks a ques- tion, or solicits a favor. A note of invita- j tion requires answer by return of post; such a missive should not be dismissed by a telephoned or telegraphic reply. Save with an intimate friend, who offers some very informal hospitality or participa- tion in some exceeding simple diversion, the response to a note of invitation should be most politely definite. Never write to say that you wiU join a card party provided you are free next Thiursday evening ; or, if you are not called out of town you will be charmed to dine formally with Mrs. Blanke. For all ceremonious occa- sions let your yea be yea and nay, nay; and do not venture the day before a luncheon, dinner, or theatre party to dispatch a line to countermand an acceptance of hospitalities offered, unless imperiously deterrent circumstances have arisen over which you have no control. In inditing notes that concern social engagements, such as invitations, it is most courteous to confine your pen to the sole topic of offering, refusing, or accepting 473 474 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage a hospitality. This rule obtains only where the pro- posed entertainment is formal. On writing to ask your friend to a family repast or to drop in to tea, it is correct enough to supplement this unceremonious bid- ding with bits of news, queries, or answers to questions. But an invitation to a somewhat momentous affair must stand alone. The fact that it is not associated with extraneous topics shows that a formal entertain- ment is impUed and that a formal reply is desired. Such notes and letters received as convey informa- tion of a birth, death, engagement, marriage, lUness, an accident, or sudden stroke of good or lU luck befallen a friend, require prompt repHes. It is not kind to receive from Mrs. A. an announcement of her daughter's engagement, her son's capture of some prize, the loss of Mr. A.'s bams by fire, or the severe iLhiess of his sister and take no immediate notice of these events. Belated sympathy or congratulations strike very coldly on the eye and ear, and prove, when offered in dilatory fashion, that, after all, your interest in the affairs of the A. family is not as keen and warm as it was believed to be. A note in time and in the right place is an invaluable and easily dispatched evidence of good intentions. and kind thoughts not to be otherwise e iinpo ce conveyed. It is of infinite advantage t3 form the habit of producing these slight social documents readily and pressing them into ser- vice on divers and sundry occasions where a small but precious courtesy is to be expressed. On anniversaries, a note of good wishes pleases its recipient. When you read in the paper that the eldest son of the T. family has won a sporting championship, saved somebody's life, accomplished a remarkable aerial flight, or per- On Note and Letter Writing 475 formed a surprising operation in a hospital, it is kind to write to some member of his household to ofifer per- sonal congratulations on the successful achievement. If your absences, illnesses, or deep preoccupations have prevented you from calling aU season on Mrs. A., it is wisest not to wait until, by chance, your paths cross to explain your good reasons for not responding in person to her cards. It is so much wiser to send her a friendly little note to say how much you regret the existence of obstacles in your path to her house. In case Mr. B. has asked your permission to call, and on several occasions thereafter you have not been in when he presented himself, reassure him of your friend- ship by a note of regret at the unlucky circumstances. If you have had to excuse yourself to callers without clear explanations, write as soon as possible to Mr. B. and to Miss C. who were turned away. A written line or two will prevent any misunderstandings. Many wearisome steps, many hard feelings, many baseless suspicions are robbed of existence and growth by reason of the kind little note sent in time; and to fulfill its perfect office the note that cheers, explains, and clarifies difficult situations, that gratifies and moUifies need not be indited by a gifted pen. Simple, courteous, correct and clear expression only, defines the perfect note. A great deal of the character and good taste of the author is betrayed by the materials with which it is produced. Scented note- and letter-paper are so indicative of the vulgar, sensational, and rather imworthy classes that persons of refinement and good taste u , . r , , Correct writing- seldom or never bring any perfumes what- materMs soever in contact with their stationery. For the same reason white, cream, gray, or gray-blue 47^ Cyclopaedia of Social Usage paper, of simple shape, is preferred to eccentrically long or narrow, huge or many-sided sheets and envelopes dyed in vivid colors. Some very young ladies per- missibly use a rich blue, pale mauve, or warm-brown paper, of rather peculiar shape, and stamped according to the latest mode. But mature spinsters and matrons show best taste by a choice of the simplest and most conventional papeterie, while gentlemen de facto use only white stationery. The sheets of choice and good paper usually fold but once into square envelopes, and the stamping that ornaments it is never fanciful. A crest or monogram may appear on the top of every note-sheet, with the address in Gothic or Roman letters a little lower down to the right of the center. A monogram and crest may not appear on the same sheet, and with matrons and with men the stamping is done in raised white letters or in an ink of one color. In black, navy-blue, dark-green, or violet ink, crest, or monogram and address, should appear. Young ladies sometimes select metallic inks, gilt, silver, or pastel tints for the impressions on their stationery, but well- bred folk to-day do not display their addresses in raised pink or baby-blue script, or in gilt replicas of their own orthography. The favorite flower, a flourish- ing motto in gilt on a ruby ribbon, or eccentric devices of any kind are frowned upon by the purveyor of stationery to members of the politest society. Country-house note-paper is stamped with the name of the farm, mansion, or broad estate in the upper right-hand comer of the sheets, while opposite, to the left, in smaller Roman letters, appears the name of the nearest town where a post-office and railway station lie, and the telephone number. Sometimes this infor- mation is impressed in two or even three lines at an On Note and Letter Writing 477 angle of about forty-five degrees to the left-hand upper side of the sheets. Gentlemen seldom use a monogram on their note- paper. Only a crest and the address of town house, club, or apartment appear. Gentlemen do not use business or office stationery for social correspondence, and nowadays educated persons do not use ruled paper for notes. Black or blue-black ink only may be employed by persons who practise the best usage in correspondence, while a wax seal is permissible and adds a touch of elegance, perfumed and iridescent seals are not the best choice. Wafers that may be bought by the box and stuck on to the envelope's flap are nursery devices, and persons in mourning correctly use black wax when sealing their letters. The black border upon a movimer's stationery should agree in width with the sable edging on the visiting card (see Chapter Three, page 92). The stamping thereon should be in black ink. For second mourn- ing, many persons adopt a granite-gray paper without border, but with black stamping and perhaps black sealing-wax. There are fixed canons of composition it is always well to obey implicitly when taking up a pen for cor- respondence. A note need not be elo- quent, wittily or even very gracefully writtelTote phrased, in order to fulfill its mission, provided it is written in a legible hand, provided its English is grammatical, clear, well punctuated, and correctly spelled, and also provided it demonstrates, in its opening and concluding terms, that its writer is aware of, and obedient to, the slight but important laws of social correspondence. A note should bear 47^ C>'clopaedia of Social Usa^e invariably the writer's address and the date of its production. All this information may, on tinstamped paper, be written out at the upper right-hand side of the first sheet. When an address-stamped sheet is used, the date appears most gracefully at the conclusion of the missive and after the signature. A note to a friend of long standing properiy begins Dear Mr., or Dear Mrs., Blanke, or Dear Mary. To an acquaintance merely, and usually when a woman writes to a masculine friend, a note begins My dear Mr. Blanke, or My dear Miss J. To a relative always it is more indicative of affection to commence a note with Dear Aunt, or Dear Aunt Margaret. It is no longer the fashion to address even an old school- or college-mate as Dear Friend, Dear friend Mary, or Friend George. Indeed, the use here of the word "friend" is now barred entirely as awkward, old-fashioned, and mean- ingless. To launch forth into an explanation, or an invitation, with an immediate use of the personal pronoun / is not considered the most effective mode of expression, and too many words shotild not be crowded on to a page. Clear, open, and well-spaced writing lends a note an agreeable aspect and naturally it is then the more easily read. In the etiquette of note writing a new paragraph begins after every full stop; a slight margin is left along the folded, or inner, edge of the sheet, and the last word at the foot of a page is repeated at the top of the next one. The correct conclusions of notes to friends are Yours sincerely, or Yours very, or most, sincerely, or Yours cordially. Yours faithfully is frequently used by gentle- men. With all best wishes. Yours as always, or Yours On Note and Letter "Writing 479 as ever, affectionately, is employed between women friends and between relatives. Some persons effect- ively end their notes abruptly with Cordially, Faith- fully, Sincerely, or Affectionately, and then the signature. Again, many persons of good taste find no plausible ex- cuse for the words Yours in haste or great haste, unless there is something in the note for which an apology need be offered, as a blot, an omission of proper capitals, punctuation, or the quality of the sheet and envelope. Only young girls are permitted the use of such phraseology as In a tearing hurry, or Lovingly ever, or Your adoring friend, or Ever your fondest friend. Ardent expressions of tender feeling do not rightly appear in any but the notes of schoolgirls, debutantes, lovers, or inti- mate friends who write condolences or congratulations. A gentleman in social correspondence with a lady signs himself Yours sincerely, or faithfully, Edward A. Blanke. He begins his note of invitation to a man friend with My dear Mr. Blanke if he claims a degree of intimacy with his correspondent. Prolonged conclu- sive phrases at the end of a communication are not essential in social notes, or in business ones for that matter; though a note written to express good feeling of any sort, and not for the purpose of conveying an invitation, may appropriately close with the phrase: "Believe me, with kind regards and good wishes for you and yours," or "Pray remember me most kindly to your husband, my dear Mrs. Blanke, and believe me, yours very sincerely." Only when writing to a most intimate friend may the signature Mary B., or Mary only, or Jack, or Dot, or Pinkie be used. A note of invitation is always signed by the dignified use of the whole name, as, John F^ Blanke, or Frances E. Blanke. 48o Cyclopaedia of Social Usage Invitations and replies to the same, and notes to acquaintances and friends on any topic whatsoever, may not be written on the typing machine. A note written to a total stranger, who is the writer's social equal and who is not addressed upon affairs of what we may caU a business natiare, Wh«i wntmg begins, My dear Miss, or Mr., or Mrs., Blanke, and ends Yours very truly. A business note sent to a comparative stranger with whom the most formal relations are maintained opens with the same polite mode of address. A business cor- respondence with a stranger, or with an individual known only through purely business intercourse, begins. Dear Sir, or Madam, and concludes Very truly yours. When writing a first business letter to a stranger of either sex, a lady signs herseH, Very truly yours, {Miss) Mary R. Blanke. A married woman in the same cir- cumstances signs her name Frances E. Blanke, and immediately beneath {Mrs. John F. Blanke). When a gentleman writes a letter to a spinster with formality, he does not address her, if she is known to him only through business relations, or if she is a total stranger, as Dear Miss, but as Dear Madam. Formerly the use of phrases expressed by fixed terms in the third person was a common mode of written commtmication. To-day the third person is employed only for the purpose of issuing orders or complaints to individuals, tradesmen, and business firms, and it is the ultra-ceremonious method by which correspondence between alienated friends and acquaintances is con- ducted in an emergency. A lady, for example, would write to a business firm thus : Mrs. John E. Blanke is sorry to say that she does not On Note and Letter "Writing 481 find the drawing-room curtains made for her by Messrs. T. and Co. at all satisfactory in color or quality, or acceptable in their present condition. Mrs. Blanke is quite sure that Messrs. T. and Co. wiU, upon examination of the curtains, agree with her in her conclusion that some serious mistake has been made in fulfilling her order, and she asks that immediate steps be taken to rectify the bltmders of which their employees have been guilty. Mrs. John E. Blanke begs to inform Miss Eleanor A. that the next meeting of the M. society wiU take place at the house of Mrs. Vere, on Monday, January loth, at eleven o'clock A.M. In her capacity as treasurer of the M. society, Mrs. Blanke must remind Miss A. that her yearly dues should be paid on the occasion of this first meeting of the new year. Legitimately useful and proper as is the popular post-card in this day of rapid and inexpensive postal conveniences, it may not however be perverted from its proper sphere of help- corres^idetce fulness and employed as a means of conveying invitations of a ceremonious nature, or of replying to the same. It is not properly dispatched as the bearer of intimate and private news or information ; and it shotild not be sent to a newly-made acquaintance, to convey expressions of sympathy and congratulation. Only between intimate friends may a post-card be returned in answer to a note. Never should it bear the opening and endearing phrases used in a sealed com- munication, and its conclusion shovild be rather abrupt, as simply. Yours with kind regards, A. B., or Yours, A. Blanke. Not very many years ago, when a note was given to a friend for delivery, or inclosed in a letter to 482 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e a relative or friend in order to receive its proper address, ' tlie rule of etiquette exacted that its gtimined flap should be left open to be sealed by the person in whose care it was intrusted. This rather exaggerated intima- tion of high trust in the honor and weU-controUed curiosity of its ultimate dispatcher is now no longer displayed, and Mrs. A., who imderstands how much common sense and convenience have of late years simplified all departments of etiquette, feels no sense of injury when a sealed communication is intrusted to her care. The only letter or note now left tmsealed for friendly delivery is one the object of which is to recommend and introduce its bearer to its recipient. It is not the fashion to-day to send notes written by hand on folded sheets of paper. Even a note sent across the street, or down the lane, should go properly clad in its sealed envelope, and no longer need the hand-sent note bear the inscription on its envelope, By the kindness of Mr. A., unless Mr. A. has voltmteered to wait for a reply, and the addressee is given to under- stand that the bearer is not a servant to be left waiting on the door-step. Highly improper is it to post a note bearing a per- sonal communication in an envelope with its flap thiombed in. Only when sending orders or asking questions of a new servant upon a post-card should an employer adopt the terms of the third person. A note to to servants ^ domestic should begin Dear Ellen; to an old and trusted man-servant the proper beginning would be Dear John, or Dear Johnston. Sincerely yours or Truly yours correctly ends such a communication, while the writer's signature should be On Note and Letter Writing 483 M. Blanke or /. Blanke, not Mary Blanke or John Blanke. A written order or inqtiiry posted to a servant by an employer is addressed to Ellen Jones or Thomas Johnston. We are falling gradually into the approved English fashion of addressing envelopes containing missives for our masctiline friends and equals thus: John A. Blanke, Esq. To those of our American titles , , , 1 J , in correspond- correspondents whom we do not care to ^^^^ recognize as of omt own social status, we address the cover of a letter or note thus : Mr. John A . Blanke. To leave off both Mr. and Esq^. and address a note to John A . Blanke is not proper, tmless some such suffix as Jr., Sr., or honorary initials follow the siumame. Invariably, a woman's name upon an envelope is pre- ceded by the title Mrs. or Miss; but, while a woman may claim initials implying honors conferred upon her by seats of learning after her name, she seldom reqmres the use of any titles on a letter addressed to her in the discharge of social correspondence. No American woman shares in any titles naval, military, civil, or religious which her husband bears. The wife of the President of the United States is Mrs. William H. Taft. The first and most important gentleman in our great republic: viz., the President, is in correspondence ad- dressed usually as Sir. A stranger's letter, or one bearing upon affairs of the government, should begin thus, and end with I have the honor to remain, yours most respectfully. This conclusion is frequently em- ployed when drawing a private and social communica- tion to a close, which last type of epistle begins in such friendly and unceremonious terms as My dear Mr. 484 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage President. A letter sent to the head of the nation bears always this outer inscription: President William H. Taft. The vice-president is addressed formally as Sir, or Dear Sir, and the end to accord with such a beginning would be, I have, sir, the honor to remain your most obedient servant. The opening of a social commimica- tion should be My dear Mr. R., the close should be drawn as to the President. An envelope in all circum- stances is addressed to The Vice-President, John M. R. A justice of the Supreme Coiut is officially ap- proached in the terms given for the opening and con- clusion of a letter written the vice-president. For social correspondence a writer shotild begin with Dear Mr. Justice A., and end with Believe me, yours sincerely. In the case of official or social intercourse a letter would be addressed to Mr. Justice Edward R. A. For a senator, an official letter shotild begin and conclude as for the vice-president. A social and friendly note wotild open with My dear Senator A., conclude as to a justice, and bear the address thus: Senator Francis A . To a member of the House of Representatives a friendly note begins My dear Mr. A.; it ends with Believe me, yours most sincerely, and the envelope is addressed to Hon. Edward T. A . A member of the Cabinet is addressed by letter after the formula given for correspondence with a member of the House; the single variation on this ruling is observed in the inscription on the envelope, which shotold read thus: Honorable John L. A., Secretary of War. The governor of a State may be addressed by letter as My dear Governor A., or as Dear Mr. A. The con- On Note and Letter "Writing 485 elusion of a note so commenced would be, Believe me, yours very sincerely, and the envelope inscription would be, Governor Thurston B. A . A mayor's titles may or may not be employed in a private and friendly note, thus: My dear Mayor A., ov Dear Mr. A. The ending would then be, Believe me, yours, etc., and the envelope addressed to His Honor, the Mayor of T., John Francis A. It is important to remember that in England a note to a mere pleasant acquaintance begins My dear Mrs. A.; to an intimate friend. Dear Mrs. A. The signature is invariably Yours sin- '^^ f.°. cerely, or affectionately, or truly, when correspondence writing to a friend; in correspondence of a business character the termination is reversed to Truly, or Sincerely, yours. In England, the envelope addressed to a gentleman and equal, whether friend or stranger, is John A. Blanke, Esq.; for a tradesman, or whoever may not be regarded as a social equal, the address reads Mr. John A . Blanke. To address the Sovereign a social communication begins Dear, or Honoured, Sir; the conclusion runs, I have the honour to remain your Majesty's most obedient servant. The envelope should be addressed: To His Most Gracious Majesty, King George The Fifth. The queen-consort is socially addressed as Dear, or Honoured, Madam; the conclusion is the same as that used when writing the King, and upon the envelope should be written. To Her Most Gracious Majesty, Queen Mary. A letter to a royal prince begins, in social corre- spondence. Dear Sir. The correct ending is. Your Royal Highnesses most obedient servant. The envelope is 486 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage addressed: To His Royal Highness, The Prince of Wales. With the substitution of Madam for Sir, and the feminine for the masculine pronoun upon the envelope inscription, the method of addressing a royal princess is similar to that used when writing to a prince. A royal diake and a royal duchess are addressed in the forms employed for royal princes and princesses, since they are members of the royal family. This dis- tinction in the courtesy shown a duke who is a peer and his duchess, and a duke or duchess who are royal personages, must be very carefully drawn. For ex- ample, the Duke of Fife is addressed as a peer, but the Duchess of Fife, being the sister of the king, is addressed as a royal princess. The Duke and Duchess of Con- naught are also addressed as royal princes, but to the Duke of Devonshire, or one of his fellow-peers bearing this title, and to a duchess, a social communication would open from an acquaintance with an informal My dear Duke, or Dear Duke of A.; My dear Duchess, or Dear Duchess of A. The friendly communication would end with Believe me, dear Duke, or Duchess, your Grace's very sincerely. The envelope would here be addressed ; To His (or Her) Grace, the Duke (or Duchess) of A. A widowed duchess, known as a dowager duchess, is addressed as one whose mate still lives ; but the inscrip- tion upon the envelope signifies her dowager state, thus : To Her Grace, The Dowager Duchess of A., — or To Her Grace, Mary, Duchess of A. When writing a marquis, or marchioness, as a social equal and informally, the communication shoiild begin. Dear Lord A., Dear Lady A., and end, Believe me. Lord ^ . , or Lady A . , yours very sincerely. The envelope should be addressed : To The Marquis (or Marchioness) On Note and Letter "Writing 487 of A. For a dowager marchioness the only change in etiquette of the pen appears when addressing the envelope — To the Dowager Marchioness of A., — or To Mary, Marchioness of A . The younger son of a duke or marqms does not, as in the case of his eldest brother, bear the right to be addressed as a marquis or as a baron. By courtesy he is called Lord John, or Lord Henry, and in social corre- spondence a letter to such a one would begin, My dear Lord Henry A., and wovild end with Believe me, my dear Lord Henry, faithfully, or sincerely, yours. And the address upon the envelope reads: To the Lord Henry A. The wife of the above is, through correspondence, approached in these terms : Dear Lady Henry A .; Believe me, dear Lady Henry A., sincerely yours; To the Lady Henry A. The daughter of a marquis or a duke is socially, through correspondence, addressed thus: Dear Lady Mary L. — or Dear Lady Mary; Believe me, dear Lady Mary, yours faithfully; To the Lady Mary L. For an earl, in social communications, the following forms are fixed: Dear Lord Blanke; Believe me, my dear Lord Blanke, yours sincerely; To the Earl of Blanke. The wife of an earl is addressed in a letter socially as Dear Lady Blanke. The conclusion of a note to her reads. Believe me, dear Lady Blanke, yours sincerely, and the envelope is addressed: To The Countess of Blanke. A dowager countess's widowed state is signified in correspondence only on the envelope, where the address reads, To the Dowager Countess of Blanke, or To Mary, Countess of Blanke. The daughter of an earl is addressed as the daughter of a duke or marqms. 488 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e To the younger son of an earl, a social letter com- mences, Dear Mr. L., and concludes with Believe me, dear Mr. L., yours sincerely; and the envelope is ad- dressed : To the Honourable Francis L. The wife of the above is, in the beguming of a letter, addressed as Dear Mrs. L. On the envelope she is addressed thus: To the Honourable Mrs. L. For a viscount the same formula is adopted as that used in writing an earl, save on the envelope, which is addressed: To the Viscount Blanke. A viscoiintess is addressed according to the rules given for an earl's wife, with the substitution of Viscountess for Countess on the envelope. A yotmger son of a viscount is addressed as the younger son of an earl ; the wife of the same is accorded the courtesy shown the wife of an earl's younger son, and to the daughter of a viscount a letter or note begins Dear Miss R., and ends as to any lady of gentle birth, but on the envelope she is distinguished with: To the Honourable Mary R. A baron receives in correspondence the courtesies employed when addressing an earl. On an envelope, however, his name appears thus: To the Lord Blanke. A baroness on an envelope is addressed in this way : To the Lady Blanke. In the beginning and ending of a note she is accorded the ceremonies of the pen as shown to a countess. The younger son of a baron and his wife, and the daughter of a baron, are accorded titles as given the children of an earl. A baronet in social correspondence is addressed as Dear Sir Henry J., or Dear Sir Henry. A letter, in this case, is concluded as to any gentleman, but on the envelope his title appears thus: To Sir Henry J., Bart. On Note and Letter ^Vritin^ 489 The opening of a letter to the wife of a baronet should be: Dear Lady J. The conclusion is conventionally- polite and simple, but the envelope of a note in this instance should read : To Lady Greenwood. A knight and a baronet are addressed with the similar use of the title Sir, but on an envelope addressed to a knight the significant Bart, does not appear. The wife of a knight receives all the courtesies accorded in correspondence to the wife of a baronet. An archbishop of the English church is, in corre- spondence, approached socially with due deference, thus: My dear Lord Archbishop; I have the honour to remain, my dear Lord Arch- .^ . ^ bishop, yours faithfully; The Most Rev. clergy His Grace, the Archbishop of Canterbury. An AngHcan bishop expects his high position to be recognized by his equals in these forms : My dear Lord Bishop; I have the honour to remain, my dear Lord Bishop, yours truly; To the Right Rev. the Lord Bishop ofR. When writing a Roman Catholic archbishop the official and social forms of address are the same, thus: Most reverend and dear Sir; I have the honour to re- main, your humble servant; The Most Reverend Thomas A. A., Archbishop of W. To a cardinal, even a greater degree of deference is demonstrated, as in all circumstances he is addressed as Your Eminence. On ending a letter to the above, the concluding phrase best used is that employed for an archbishop of the Roman Catholic Church, and the en- velope must bear the address : His Eminence, Cardinal A. A Protestant bishop in America is addressed in social correspondence by the laity as Dear Bishop B. 490 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e The conclusion should then be, I remain, yours situ cerely, and the address must read: To the Right Rev. Arnold R. B., Bishop oj . To a bishop of the Roman CathoHc church a letter should commence, Right reverend and dear Sir. The conclusion is best expressed in the terms: I have the honor to remain, your humble servant. The envelope must be addressed as to a Protestant bishop. A letter to a Roman Catholic priest begins correctly with Dear Father A., and ends according to the form given concerning a bishop. The envelope is addressed to The Reverend Francis R. L. A Protestant clergyman in England or America is addressed as Dear Mr. ^., or Dear Dr. .4. if he claims tmiversity honors. An envelope to the same would be addressed as to a Roman Catholic priest. When the initials of honorary titles are added after the name, the words "Mr." or "Reverend" are often dropped. A curate is usually addressed upon an envelope as Mr. A. CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE FUNERALS Extreme privacy and simplicity tend more and more to govern our conduct when the hour arrives for concern with the last offices Preliminaiy and honors paid to a deceased member of preparations society. Immediately, in a home visited by the greatest of losses, intimation of the fact is given to the sympathetic and interested by the lowering of the front window- shades, and, as soon as possible, by the crape or ribbon insignia of the presence of death attached to the door- bell. This badge of affliction preferably takes the form of a knot and long streamers of wide black gros- grain ribbon, instead of a crape sash, when the deceased is an adult of mature years and married or of the mascu- line sex. For a maiden of any age, white ribbon is the proper substitute for the black. Sometimes white rib- bon with a knot of violets, or deep-purple ribbon only, is employed when the deceased is a bachelor, while a long streamer bouquet of small white flowers, or a sash of white muslin, signifies the passing of a child. It is the rale for that capable servant, or kind friend called in, or volunteering, to take the direction of all matters concerning the direction of affairs, to insert. 492 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e in the next issue of the local journals following on a household's bereavement, a public announcement of the decease. The printed notice should be brief and absolutely to the point, and it shotild state that the funeral wiU be private, or that due warning wiU be given, later, of this celebration, with the interment taking place privately or at the convenience of the family. Frequently, and to avoid what proves often an awkward situation at ftmerals, an added line in the printed notice asks that the sending of flowers be omitted. It is the common usage for some near masculine friend of a stricken family, or some male relative of the deceased, to relieve, in a measure, the immediate mem- bers of the darkened home of aU business details of preparation. Meanwhile, as soon as the blinds are drawn, a ser- vant shoidd be seated on duty in the hall of the house of mourning to answer inquiries, receive cards, and report messages. In a society where fomaalities are carefully observed, this servant, if a man, would be dressed in black livery, or wear on the sleeve of his left arm above the elbow a broad, black crape or dull-silk band. A woman servant would wear a black gown and white apron. If there are friends and relatives to be informed of their loss, pall-bearers to be invited to serve, private requests for the attendance at the funeral fonespondence ^^ ^^ ^^^^' °^ important notes or letters to be answered before the fimeral is held, some member of the mourning household may under- take the task. Better still, the services of a voltmteer- ing and intimate friend may be accepted for the rather Funerals 493 trsdng duty. Should a kindly woman fill the post of temporary amanuensis to the bereaved feminine head of a family, she would wisely make her written an- nouncements as briefly as possible, and somewhat in this fashion: My dear Mr. Blanke : Mrs. Arnold begs me to write and ask if you will do her the honor of serving as one of the six pall-bearers at the funeral of her husband, which takes place on Thursday morning at eleven-thirty a.m. from St. Christopher's Church. If you are able to grant her request, will you join the other gentlemen who are to serve at the house on Vine Street, at a quarter after eleven on Thursday, and drive thence to the church? Mrs. Arnold wishes me to express to you her sincere thanks for yotir note and flowers. Yotus faithfully, Jane C. Thompson. In somewhat similar form the amateur secretary would write to ask distant relatives or close friends of the family of the bereaved to join the chief mourners in the funeral cortege, to appear among a chosen few at the interment or at the crematorium, or express thanks to neighbors who had kindly acquitted themselves of special and helpftil services in a trying moment. It is customary for the recipient of letters of condo- lence to answer them all very cordia-Uv while perhaps very briefly. The necessity does not exist for replying to such missives immediately. Written a month or even six weeks after a funeral, it is possible and appro- priate to rettuTi thanks for sympathy expressed. It is not possible, however, to ignore any such letter entirely, and an amanuensis may legitimately be employed to 494 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage dispatch this correspondence. When a widow, sister, mother, or farrdly has been fairly overwhelmed with telegrams, notes, and letters of sympathy following upon the decease of a man of public note, and many of those testimonials are forwarded from political or busi- ness associates of the deceased otherwise unknown to his family, it is often a recognized and satisfactory solution of a difficulty to publish in one or more news- papers a paragraph of grateful recognition of the sym- pathy received. Marked copies of the journal con- taining the notice are then posted to the heads of societies, etc., who have given expression to kind and complimentary sentiments. But in the event of the death of an individual who enjoyed but private and local prominence, the letters of condolence must be answered, and at no greater length perhaps than as follows: My dear Mr. R. : Your kind letter and its warm expressions of esteem and regard for my dear husband has been deeply appreciated. At some later day I hope to be able to thank you in person. Believe me, yours very sincerely, Mary A. Blanke. or Dear Miss L. : How good of you to write and give me your S5mipathy! At this time the kindness of one's friends and their words of good cheer and understanding shine as rays of light in days full of darkness. Yours gratefully, Sarah T. Strange. or Funerals 495 My dear M. : Though your friendly note was received these three weeks ago and your expression of fellow-feeling for me in my severe loss has been deeply appreciated, I have not tUl now found myself in sufficient self-command adequately to write my thanks. I am leaving to-morrow for a short trip in the South. On my return, I shaU hope to see you. Believe me, yours gratefully, George A. Blanke. When a funeral is announced as arranged for celebra- tion at the late residence of the deceased, and no request is made for privacy, the family most nearly concerned gives the world of ceremony their friends to understand that their presence during the ceremony will be welcomed. A home funeral is usually solemnized with exceeding simplicity. The servants on duty are dressed in black ; the undertaker arranges the reception-rooms of the house as nearly as possible in the form of an auditorium; a space at one end is set apart to afford the officiating clergy the adequate exercise of their office, and the coffin is here disposed with the slightest possible accom- paniment of flowers. If splendid wreaths, crosses, bouquets, etc., have been received, a few, and those only from members of the family or from friends known to be of the longest and closest standing, appear. To crowd masses of heavily scented blossoms into a partially closed room filled with human beings is an evidence of a want of discretion as well as of taste. When a large number of floral tributes have been received, they should be sent on ahead to the cemetery to be used in decorating the grave. Nothing is more indicative of vulgar and untimely ostentation than that of displaying in a hallway, or in the solemn presence of 496 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage the dead, a mass of showy emblems with the cards of the donors so displayed that the guests at the ceremony cannot fail to see and be duly impressed by the many tributes. Immediate relatives of the deceased should not receive or serve in some sort as ushers at a house fimeral. Somewhat distant masculine relations of the family, or a dignified man friend, usually fulfills the task of super- intending and directing affairs. The person or persons visibly in charge place a man-servant on duty at the foot of the entrance steps to open carriage doors; another domestic shotild stand ready to open the main door before guests can ring, and a capable man-servant or maid may be on hand to indicate where seats are to be fotmd. Only when a very near friend or a relative of the motuners appears is it essential for the gentle- man in charge to offer a greeting, answer kind inquiries, and accompany the arrival to a chair in the front row. Where great simplicity is observed, no liveried servant is placed before the house, a maid, only, opens the door, and gentlemen attached to the bereaved family by ties of blood or friendship direct the seating of the guests. Pall-bearers, it goes almost without saying, are never appointed for a house funeral, and it is invariably more dignified and considerate for the immediate members of the deceased's family not to appear in the room in which the services are conducted. Cousins, aunts, tmcles, and relations by marriage should aU be grouped in the rows of chairs nearest the clergyman and the coffin, while those whose loss and grief are a poignant sotuce of suffering should gather in a room in the rear, or across the haU from the scene of the ceremony, and from that distance hearken to and foUow the religious rites. Funerals 497 The gentleman in charge of affairs always receives the clergy, for whom, if vestments are worn, a robing- room must be set aside. Regardless of late arrival, the services invariably begin as nearly as possible on the moment appointed for their solemnization. Music is now less and less employed as a fitting accompaniment to funeral rites celebrated in the home. When it is employed, the musicians are never prominently placed. The sweet sotmds of voices and instruments should pro- ceed from a hidden source — at the rear of the hallway or from beyond portieres that screen the drawing-room from an adjoining room. No elaborate instrumental or vocal programme is in taste in these circumstances. At the conclusion of a home funeral, when the interment is to be accomplished in privacy, the guests are allowed to depart without the observance of any special ceremony. For a house funeral it is necessary to send a carriage to transport the officiating clergy to the scene of the ceremony, from the scene of the ceremony to the cemetery, and thence back to their expenses homes. Carriages are not sent to the houses of friends or relatives to bring them to a funeral. Those persons who are to drive in the cortege from the house or church to the cemetery are expected to arrive quite independently at the home of the deceased, and thence, in carriages arranged for their use, drive to the cemetery; or, in case of a church funeral, drive from the house to the church and from the church to the scene of the interment. Even pall-bearers are expected to follow this rule. For their service, carriages are as essential as for the clergy. It is no longer the custom in polite society for the household of the deceased to put 498 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e carriages at the disposal of all the funeral guests to transport them from church or house to the cemetery and back to their homes or railway stations. The com- fort of the chief mourners and of the nearest and dearest relatives and friends only is now considered in this respect. In the case of a country funeral, to which town- dwelling friends are expected, it rests with the fanuly most concerned to decide for or against the provision of a special train for the service of those who may desire to attend the obsequies. The special train involves naturally an enormous expense, and its provision is usually mentioned in the printed notice of the funeral, also the hours at which it will leave from the city station and return thereto. Ordinarily it is enough, in the case of a cotmtry funeral to which city friends are expected, to signify, in the printed fiuieral notice, the times of departure and arrival of an available train, which, at the suburban station, will be met by carriages. Such carriages are usually traps of all sorts hired from a local Every establishment at the expense of the family of the deceased, and used to convey guests from the station to the house or church, and thence to the station again. The guests, be it understood, in these circum- stances pay their own railway fares. For a funeral celebrated by the ritual of the Roman Catholic religion, the fees for priests and acolytes and for the mass and office for the dead are fixed. Usually, a Protestant funeral celebrated at a church implies fees to the sexton and to the choir, but no charges are made for the offices of the clergy. For a home funeral and for the ritual at the cemetery, the officiating clergy expect no fee. Frequently, however, grateful individuals choose to send the clergyman a check for a sum to be Funerals 499 devoted to any purpose he may think best; or he may be asked to accept a substantial gratuity for himself. For public religious services the church is opened quite three-quarters of an hour in advance of the cele- bration of the rites. Front pews to the right and left of the aisle are reserved for funeral the use of the family, relatives, special friends of the deceased, and also for the pall-bearers. Those who are to form the actual cortege collect at the house of moiiming and drive behind the hearse to the chiu-ch. The aisle procession is arranged according to the taste of the bereaved family and according to the requirements of the ritual used. Occasionally, the pall-bearers carry the coffin up the aisle and place it at the entrance to the chancel or the choir, before and in which the floral emblems have been previously arranged. More frequently, the undertakers employed carry the coffin up the aisle, followed by the pall- bearers walking two and two, then by the chief mourn- ers, who, in tiim, are followed by relatives in the order of their consanguinity, and finally by a few important friends. The pall-bearers usually occupy front seats to the right of the central aisle, the family assume the front pews to the left. At the conclusion of the reli- gious rite the pall-bearers again take their places directly behind the coffin, when they do not carry it, and the chief moiimers faU into the order observed in pacing up the aisle. On reaching their carriages, those who walked in the aisle-procession drive off immediately to the crematorium, railway station, or the cemetery, without waiting to head a long line of vehicles. Save in very special circumstances, no refreshments are offered at a funeral. When the obsequies take 500 Cyclopaedia of Socitil Usage place at the home of the deceased and in a singularly isolated country community, and attending friends have driven far or come by raU from considerable distances, it is but thoughtftd to provide coffee and tea, sherry, cake, and sandwiches, for those who have otherwise no means of sectuing a meal. Again, in cold weather, when a very long drive is essential in order to reach a crematorium or cemetery, wine, coffee, biscuits, and sandwiches are offered the pall-bearers before they set out for the ch-urch. These refreshments are placed in the dining-room into which the gentlemen and femi- nine members of the funeral cortege would be invited. No member of the immediate family of the deceased need feel it essential to preside. It is not necessary for a representative of the deceased to write and express elaborate thanks for floral tributes received, or, ia words, to do so at the funeral. A widow or mother would write to the head of a society or corporation which had forwarded a superb wreath in honor of her husband or son. Such thanks would be expressed on a card and in the third person. A careful note, however, shotold be kept of the names of donors when many superb floral emblems are received, but the cards should never be taken from the crosses or bouquets. These are, in some sort, the property of the deceased. When a superabundance of flowers, cut, in bouquets, or in wreaths, are received, those that are not essen- tially funereal in design may be correctly sent to a hospital. Before funeral-flowers are sent to brighten charity wards, their cards should be detached. A funeral should not be attended unless something more than mere acquaintance may be claimed with the Funerals 50l deceased or with, a member of his immiediate family. When a funeral is announced without reservations as to privacy, friends and acquaintances „ -., , , ,. . Funeral guests are at liberty to attend the religious services and to proceed to the cemetery, unless the interment is to take place in private. The published request of the family that flowers be omitted should be carefully respected. When no restrictions of this nature are laid upon friends, it is not only permissible but very complimentary to send a floral tribute. Those who claim but a formal acquaintance with the deceased or his family would not be expected to send flowers. The day has gone by when a floral offering is expected to take some such stiff and expensive form as a star, a cross and crown, a pair of gates ajar, a pillow, or a broken column. The favorite "set piece" to-day is a wreath, while bouquets or loose flowers are even more popular. Heavily scented tuberoses and artificially colored immortelles are not now considered the proper choice for funeral flowers; nor is it requisite to send white or purple blossoms only. Roses of any color, violets, Easter lilies, callas, carnations, lilies-of- the- valley, white or mauve daisies, asters, tulips, orchids, and chrys- anthemums are among the blooms that florists of taste often suggest to a customer in doubt. Flowers may be sent at any moment during the inter- val that elapses between the notice of the death and the morning of the day on which the funeral is celebrated. It is most conventional and convenient to forward them from the florist's shop. A sheaf of lilies or bouquet of long-stemmed roses would be tied with broad white ribbon; a wreath of violets or orchids with purple ribbon, and to this should be pinned the donor's visiting- card, bearing below the engraved name the penciled 502 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e words, With profound sympathy, or In affectionate mem* ory, or merely the word From, written above the sender's name. On the label are written the words In care of before the name of the chief mourner. When the fimeral notice asks that flowers be omitted, the privilege stiU remains to send them to one of the chief mourners. Such flowers are always selected in bright colors ; they are not made up in any form or tied with ribbon, and are addressed to the person for whom they are intended. On a card inclosed is written, above the sender's name. To Mrs. , with the kindest re- gards and sympathy of Mr. and Mrs. , or In token of Ellen B.'s sincere regard and deep feeling for her friend, Mary L. These complimentary flowers ought never to be sent in overwhelming masses. A very few but very choice blossoms are far more signifi- cant of fine discrimination than an enormous box of over-developed hothouse roses. Some persons wait tiU after the ftmeral to make this offering, which is often utilized as a substitute for a formal letter or call of condolence. A guest at a house fvmeral should not ask to see mem- bers of the sorrowing family. But if the chief mourners appear, and an opportunity offers to approach them in a sympathetic manner, the duty of displaying some feeHng is paramount. Usually it is enough to say: "Allow me, Mrs. B., to offer you my heartfelt sym- pathy," — or " We feel for you deeply. Miss T., and your bravery at this moment is an example to us all, " — or " We are sharing this great loss with you, Mr. R. You have my sincere sympathy. " A delinquent at a funeral ceremony is one who has , Funerals 903 failed somewhat in courtesy, and the individual who is so unlucky as to have arrived tardily at church or house should not push forward looking for a good seat. At a church funeral it is considerate, when no special ushers are on duty, to step very quietly to an unobtru- sive place, or to the seat habitually occupied if it is free. Church sittings are not reserved to their owners in event of a funeral, and at a house ceremony the two front rows may be wisely respected as probably reserved for special guests. At a church or house funeral, when the religious ritual is unfamiliar, it is only courteous to stand, sit, or kneel in accordance with the movements of the rest of the congregation. Guests remain standing respectfully at the conclusion of the ceremony and while the cortege passes up and down the aisle. If the intention is to go on to the crematorium or cemetery, progress thereto must be made in one's own vehicle or in a public conveyance. We have not yet reached that stage of modernization where we follow our friends in procession to their last resting-places in taxicabs and private automobiles. Women as a rule, and perhaps as is natural and necessary, are more scrupulous in delaying their resump- tion of active social duties than are their husbands and brothers. For at least etiquette eight months, however, a man who has lost his wife, a parent, a child, brother or sister, shotild not take part in any conspicuous pursmt of pleasure. The necessity may arise for a man in deep mourning to appear at a public dinner or other gathering where his business interests require his presence, but he may not dine a gay party at a restaurant, nor accept an invitation to a seat in an opera box and a large supper afterward 504 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e For fully six months after the death of one very near to her in ties of blood, a woman pays no formal calls, receives only her intimate friends, without ceremony, and attends no so-called society functions of any sort whatever. For her first three weeks of deepest mourn- ing she does not appear on the golf-links, nor on public tennis-courts, in her club on its festive days, nor at the meetings of any but her charitable societies and com- mittees. She does not dine or lunch away from home. Thereafter, she is privileged to resume all her impor- tant church and charity duties, to resort to picture- and flower-shows, to golf and play tennis at her country club, to go to afternoon concerts, readings, and recitals, to dine or lunch enjamille with her near friends, and to receive many callers. But she does not keep a day at home till she has gone into second motrming, or till black-and-white, mauve, or gray costtmies have been assumed does she dine and lunch out with formality, or give, herself, any formal entertainments. Theatre- going may be resttmed after the first three months of mourning have passed, though nothing in the natiire of a theatre party should be attended. Women who suffer the loss of grandparents, or very near connections by marriage, cottrt complete seclusion for a fortnight only. The day at home should not be observed for three months. For an aunt, uncle, or first cousin, all immediate engagements for gay enter- prises should be broken or refused for a week, and the day at home wotild be discontinued for three weeks. This last rule does not hold good, of course, when the deceased relative was held in tenderly affectionate esteem, as genuine feeling, and not the social rule, should serve as the true guide in these matters. Even for a valued friend, a kind of voluntary mourning may Funerals 505 be appropriately observed, such as breaking engage- ments for festivities and refusing all invitations in the hour of the extreme illness of the beloved associate of many years, and for a week after the funeral. As we have stated on page 502, this most difficult form of epistolary composition is sometimes success- fully and gracefully avoided by the send- ^ , • \. r, -^r , The letter of mg of flowers. Many persons, however, condolence prefer to express their feeling for a friend's or a relative's loss in exact and written terms. There- fore, it is essential to state that such a letter should be dispatched within the first week of one's knowledge of the bereavement. It is highly uncomplimentary to begin a delayed letter of sympathy with explanations of preoccupation and lack of opportunity. Again, it is not permissible to write such a missive, to a comparative stranger, nor to express the regret at the decease at great length, in connection with extraneous matters of business, or along with news of social or personal doings. A letter of condolence is usually sent to that member of a bereaved household best known to the writer, or if aU members are equally familiar as friends, then it is more complimentary to oifer one's words of consolation to the chief mourner. When fluency and original grace of expression are wanting in one's epistolary achievements, it is wisest to adhere closely to conventional phraseology, thus: Dear Mrs. Blanke: Forgive our intrusion at this moment, but I feel that I must send you just a line to say how much you are in our thoughts during these days, and to assure you of our deepest sjrmpathy. My husband shares with me in this expression of our 5o6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage feeling for you, which words can so inadequately realize, and I remain, dear Mrs. Blanke, Yours most sincerely, Frances R. Whitman. or My dear Mrs. Blanke : May I, an admirer of your husband, send you my testi- mony, not only of the great esteem in which he has always been held among his business associates, but as his personal friend express to you my profound sense of individual loss at his going from among us? I can only hope that the knowledge of the widely useful life he led, and of the general sympathy of his many friends, by which you are surrounded, may afford you some support in this dart hour. Pray believe me, dear Madam, yours in the sincerest sentiments of consolation, Edward J. Van Ness. or Dear Frances : Through many postal delays I received the letter bearing your sad news but yesterday. Lest I but hurt you in my desire to console, I shall now say no more than that I trust you may find, as I do, a com- fort in dwelling in memory on the charms of one whose sojourn in this world has been for the betterment of us all. Your sorrowing and devoted friend, Mary A. Blanke. For all rules and regulations essential ^ ^f° to follow in the observance of this calls of condolence courtesy, see Chapters Two and Three, pages 54, 55 56, and 98, 99, 100. Funerals 507 Sober dark garments are proper at a funeral, and black is by preference worn even by those who are not in mourning. The relatives of a deceased , ,, , . Mourning person should wear deepest mourning ^g^g at the kinsman's funeral, and thereafter for a prescribed time. A widow, for example, wears a crape-trimmed gown, white-ruched bonnet, and long veil, for a year. According to the strict etiquette of mourning, she adopts the use of a long veil falling over her face, as well as behind, for three to five weeks after her husband's demise. At the end of three weeks, she may choose to leave off the long front veil, and she may, if she pleases, wear crape-trimmed gowns with white muslin bands at throat and wrists, and the white- ruched bonnet with its lengthy rear veil for one year and a half, three years, five years, or for the rest of her hfe. But even when the use of the widow's bonnet and veil is continued beyond the year, after that time crape no longer trims the black frocks, though the white- muslin bands continue to appear. If, at the end of her first year of widowhood, a lady decides to Ughten her mourning, she does so by leaving off her veil and bonnet. The headgear adopted must still be black, but a toque or hat may be worn. The gowns used with this may be brightened with braid and lace, and pearls and amethysts and bright jet may be substituted as ornaments for the dull jet of the first year. After a year and six months the black costume is suitably relieved with touches of white and purple, or costumes of aU gray or all mauve may be worn, and at the end of the second year colors of any kind are properly adopted. 5o8 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e A mother may suitably follow the above order of dress upon the losis of an adult child, with the difference that she does not wear a white ruche in her bonnet. Some mothers wear no black, but gray, only, or mauve, for the loss of a very young child or an infant. For a sister, brother, or parent, mourning may be worn by a woman exactly as for an adult child. For a parent-in-law a woman wears crape, if she assimies it, for one month, black only for three weeks longer, and then gray, hlac, and black and white tmtil a mourning period of two months has elapsed. Complimentary black only is apt to be worn by most women for but a month for a sister- or brother-in-law. Unless a warm bond of affection exists between herself and her hus- band's grandparents, aunt, tmcle, or cousin, a wife would not feel it essential to assume mourning dress in their honor. A yoimg girl does not, as a rule, wear very much crape, nor a bonnet and veil upon the death of a parent, brother, or sister. But she should wear black without any but dull ornaments for one year, and half -mourn- ing for six months longer before readopting colored costumes. In honor of the memory of a grandparent, aimt, uncle, or niece, a young lady would wear black only for three months. Three weeks' use of black is the con- ventional recognition given the death of a cousin, but, as a rule, women of the Anglo-Saxon world do not assume mourning on the death of any but their nearest and dearest relatives. A young lady, however, is privileged to mourn for the loss of her fiance in the garments that are worn by a widow, and for as long a time as a wife wears black for her husband. But a Funerals 5^9 woman bereaved of her betrothed does not wear a white ruche in her bonnet. Girls under fifteen should never wear black, even for a parent. Between fifteen and eighteen, black relieved with white is the proper mourning dress for a very yotmg lady. Men are far less punctilious than women in their adherence to the rules that regulate the dress of motim- ers. Where, however, a gentleman prefers to adopt the sober raiment that signifies a family bereavement, he wears black apparel for his relatives for the length of time that a woman evinces thereby her feeling of respect. A crape hatband is seldom worn by a man save after the loss of his wife, and then this symbol of bereavement is adopted only on a sUk hat. With a black suit, white or striped white-and-black linen is used; a black tie and black gloves complete a man's full mourning dress. Many men prefer to wear dark- gray stiits with white linen, black ties, and gray gloves when in mourning, though, according to the strictest naling, such dress is second mourning. When a gray suit is worn with black appointments, a black-cloth mourning-band on the left sleeve of the coat is essential. This band is put off when a year has elapsed. Men rarely asstime, in America, ftill mourning dresa after the loss of grandparents, parents-in-law, sisters- or brothers-in-law, nephews, nieces, tmcles, avmts, or cousins. The course pursued is that of temporarily abjtiring the use of colored linen, and of adding a black- cloth band to the left sleeve of all coats and overcoats tiU the period of full mourning has expired: then the arm-band is removed, colors are adopted at pleasure, and nothing in the nature of half -mourning is at- tempted. 5IO Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Near relations of the deceased are not, as a rule, asked to serve in an honorary capacity at a funeral. Otherwise, a choice of pall-bearers in pall-bearers honor of a somewhat prominent member of a commiinity is usually made from among the gentlemen most nearly associated with him in the varied interests of his hfe. For a young gentle- man, this guard of honor is often chosen from among his favorite college- or club-mates. Rarely are college- mates, sister professionals, or society companions of a young lady asked to serve as a special band of white- clad mourners at her funeral. Still, this choice is not without precedent. Yet, as a nile, paU-bearers are not appointed to serve at the funerals of women. A gentleman may be asked to act in this capacity by note, as shown on page 493, or a representative of the family of the deceased may call on the gentlemen selected and invite them to serve, preferring the request in the name of the family, the widow, or the mother of the deceased. Formerly, pall-bearers did in fact carry the cords of the cloth or velvet pall which in other days covered a coffin in its passage through the church and to the grave. To-day they walk, as a rule, in procession only, and expect that person who has the funeral in charge to inform them of the place and hour of their rendez- vous, and whether they are to carry the coffin, to imme- diately precede, or to foUow it. To a paU-bearer no article of dress or ornament is now any longer presented, as in the old days; but a carriage is placed at his dis- posal, or he shares one with two or four of his feUow- bearers. A gentleman has no excuse, save his illness or absence from the locality of the funeral on the day of its celebra- Funerals 5'* tion, to offer against serving in the capacity of pall- bearer. His acceptance shotild be given with a gracious and gratified air, and his duty is to write giving to the head of the family of the deceased thanks for the dis- tinction conferred upon him. Acting in this capacity, a gentleman preserves his most dignified demeanor, and he calls at the house of motmiing before and after the funeral, though, on both occasions, he need merely leave his card with a kind inquiry. When no request to omit flowers is made, he should send a floral tribute. CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO COURTSHIP COURTESIES When a young man's fancy develops, from mere liking for a charming girl, into serious thoughts of matrimony, his first and most natural ary privileges impulse is to bestow gifts upon the object of his admiration — gifts not only of flowers, fruit, books, etc., but of pleasure in the form of entertainments and expeditions. By the number of his tributes received, and by the frequency with which his invitations are accepted, he learns to know in how far his companionship and his suit are welcomed. If the lady of his choice is young and under the careful protection of her home and her mother, he wisely demonstrates his generosity in a form most readily acceptable and not at too frequent intervals. Charm- ingly enough the average courtship begins with a presentation of flowers. These should be sent to the lady's house from the florist's on the occasion of a dance, in honor of an anniversary or a holiday, or on no excuse whatever save to gratify her love of beautiful things. With such an offering, a gentleman incloses his card, inscribing a sentiment or good wishes on it only when the flowers are dispatched on a Christmas, New Year's, Easter, or birthday morning. SI2 CovjrtsHip Courtesies 5^3 Nowadays, the tactful lover does not attempt to make his aspirations known by means of any language of flowers, or by the presentation of set pieces made up in symbolic forms. Roses or violets are his winter choice, and as a variation on the box of cut blossoms, he may occasionally send a fine growing plant, a basket of mixed blooms tied with ribbons, or a small box clad in purple paper and holding a fine, fragrant breast-knot of violets. The old-fashioned lover. used to secrete verses with his bouquets, or ask the lady to wear a rose for his sake. To-day the most ardent admirer of a charming woman never forwards, with his flowers, any more tangible expression of his emotions than perhaps a short note. If, at first, his floral tributes are sporadic, and yet always most graciously received, he may advance con- fidently to the point of sending his flowers regularly once or even twice a week on special days. In such circumstances, his sentiments may be delicately ex- pressed by some particular blossom for which his lady confesses a special liking. Until a yotmg man is accepted as an affianced hus- band, he should not presume to offer gifts of jewelry. In society, under Mrs. Gnmdy's wise administration, it is decreed that a lady may be offered no gift that implies an obligation or the necessity of restoration to its donor in case his courtship proves unsuccessful. It is not, therefore, permitted a gentleman to offer a gift of gloves, a hair-comb, a scarf, etc. But he may bestow a fan, books, magazines, bonbons, fruit, a tennis- racket, a riding-whip or crop, a pet dog, a picture, a camera, a dog-whistle, a goH-club, a silver- or gold- mounted pen or pencil, etc., and an infinite deal of hospitality. AU these demonstrations of an ardently 33 514 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e generous imptilse come under the head of trifles. That is, they cany no obligation, and they need not be returned in case obstacles arise to the continuation of the stiit. When giving an entertainment to a charming woman, her admirer may claim the right to serve as her escort, and he pays her invariably the compliment of providing or asking her to provide adequate chaperonage. In proportion as his gifts and his invitations are accepted, he may reasonably expect, when calling with increasing frequency, to be seldom refused the company of his inamorata. Anonymous gifts are not the most complimentary, nor do they give true pleasure. If a present is offered thus, the absence of the giver's card proves that he entertains strong doubts as to the lady's willingness to accept his tribute to her charms if sent under his own name. By forwarding, thus vinidentified, an ornament or bouquet, he compels its acceptance, and thereby may force its recipient into an unpleasant situation. No suit is prosperous where all the courtesies and kindnesses are displayed upon one side only. A truly channing girl who does not mean to Acceptable ,, . gjjtg aUow attentions to step beyond the bounds of friendship may easily, yet delicately, check a young man's suit by accepting his invitations at intervals only. His gifts she cannot, for cotirtesy's sake, forbear to receive appreciatively, since she has no right to imply that she imagines that his offerings of flowers, fruit, books, and other trifles indicate another motive than mere friendly generosity. Whether her admirer's attentions are welcomed or not, she must acknowledge gracefully, by notes of CovirtsKip Courtesies 5^5 thanks, his acceptable tributes to her charm ; that is to say, she must write promptly upon the appearance of sweets or flowers a brief note prettily expressive of pleasure. It is as rude as it is unkind and imnecessary to dull the ardor of an unwelcomed admirer by tardy and uncordial acknowledgment of his generosity. When a gift of the forbidden type is received from a man friend whose tentative aspirations are treated with encouragement, or are to be held in. check, it is but right and proper that it should be promptly re- turned. In such circumstances, the lady's best course is to write a note that displays no spirit of censure or indignation. With frank friendliness she may say that her parents do not permit her to accept jewels from her men friends; or, where her age and her independent position preclude the quotation of parental wishes in determining her prudent cotu-se, she may as wisely and naturally ask that the costly brooch, or jewel-hilted parasol, or gorgeous hand-mirror, be exchanged for a box of flowers or a pound of bonbons. In such circum- stances a gentleman must yield absolute deference to the lady's wish, but the lady, be it said, must return the gift instantly and assign no prudish or overstrained reasons for her course of conduct. No man, of such quality as guarantees her in desiring to keep him as a friend or to win him to warmer admiration of her character and charms, wiU fail to respect her motives, or so blunder as to insist upon the retention of some- thing which delicately she has refused. Usually, in making a wager with an obvious suitor, a well-bred girl's taste and judgment lead her to select bonbons, flowers, or some trifle of the lightest sort when asked to name the forfeit to be paid. Should her com- panion specify gloves, a fan, a hand-mirror, or a purse 5i6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e in his zeal to give tangible evidence of his generous feeling, she may yield to his wishes. As a forfeit, many a fine gift, otherwise forbidden, may be bestowed, but the suggestion of anjrthing more than the veriest trifle may be made only by the gentleman with whom the wager is made. Should he, however, name a forfeit of too costly and too personal a nature, a well-bred woman may pleasantly but quite firmly say : "Do you mind if I ask you to make it instead a box of B.^s chocolates, or a bunch of violets ? I would so much rather have them than the bracelet or the motor-veil!" At no stage of a coirrtship should the lady, if young and in her parents' house, yield to her admirer's wish for too prolonged and too frequent un- chaperoMge chaperoned walks, for tete-a-tSte lunch- eons at restaurants, or drives far out in the country in an automobile, or afternoons alone with him on the water. A well-bred woman is not too coy, too difiBcult, or too chary of her presence; but in compli- ment to her admirer, and with due respect to herself, she takes nothing for granted in privileges or emphatic expression of her preference until her admirer's hopes are declared, and until she rightly claims the fuller freedom which a betrothal confers. The first duty of a gentleman, upon the successful issue of his suit, is to present himself to the head, or ^ „ , heads, of his lady's family in order to Til© &ffi&jic6d -^ request their approval of her choice and his matrimonial ambition. When the lady lives at home with her parents, the gentleman who has won her heart makes a formal call upon her father to ask for that gentleman's consent to the union. If CourtsKip Courtesies 5^7 the lady's mother, elder brother, senior married sister, or even her brother-in-law, aimt, or uncle represents the head of her family, then the happy lover respectfully solicits the necessary consent accordingly, and in person if possible. Should he be a slightly or whoUy unknown individuahty to these important personages, he writes to ask the privilege of an appointment that he may call and state his momentous business. When the request is granted he calls with due formal- ity, clarifies the situation by a confession of his ambi- tions, and makes a complete revelation of his financial capacity to accept the obligations that matrimony imposes. When the natural guardian of a lady lives at too great a distance for her fiance to wait upon him in person, then it is his duty to write to the father or mother of his affianced, asking consent and making a full confession of his finances, etc. Shotdd the lady of his choice be a widow or a spinster of independent resources whose marriage does not require family sanction, it is still the duty of her future husband to write to the head of her house and ask approval of the great step he has undertaken. Not until this formality has been fulfilled should a happy pair make announcement of their mutual agree- ment. There are divers ways of formally verifying the suspicions of a public of friends concerning the future intentions of an obviously long and devoted pair. A lady confers a compliment on her near relatives and friends by writing them notes of announcement, or calling upon them to tell her news and to ask for their good wishes. The mother of a fashionable young woman spreads the news abroad by means of notes to the feminine heads of families with whom she enjoys agreeable intercourse. The gentleman most vitally 5i8 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e concerned should call upon his relatives and near friends or write to acquaint them of his intentions. Sometimes a large dinner, or dance, is given by the parents of the lady, whose father rises, at the conclusion of the feast or during the supper hour, and lifting his glass of champagne, asks the company to drink to the health of the happy pair. By this means the first formal verification of a rtunor is given; and when the announcement is made in this fashion the betrothed couple stands together to receive good wishes and congratulations. The first are always expressed to the lady, the second to the gentleman. The guests are expected to go forward in turn, and with outstretched hand utter in warmly friendly tones some such phrases as: ' ' This, Miss A., is the most delightful verification of our interested suspicions, and I sincerely wish you every happiness, " — or " What a charming surprise. Miss A., and how good of you to have given me a chance to be among the first to wish you joy! ^' — or "May I tell you. Miss A., that I think George not only the luckiest man hut I am sure he looks the happiest ? " To the fiance of the lady it is necessary to phrase the congratulations perhaps more simply. It is enough to say: " This is the best news I have heard in a long time, G. Congratulations!" — or "Best wishes to you as well, old man, along with hearty congratulation, " — or "This is good news, and I sincerely felicitate you on your supreme good fortune, Mr. R. " Similarly, and with such variations on the set phraseology of the usual forms of felicitations as meet CovirtsHip Courtesies 5^9 the requirements of occasion and degrees of intimacy, all friends and relatives of a betrothed couple express their pleasure over the engagement. A note of an- nouncement must be answered immediately and with sentences freighted with good wishes and pleasant hopes for the future. When a bride-elect, or groom-elect, first announce their matrimonial intentions, their friends and relatives do not wait on ceremonies before oflEering their felicitations. The friendly and civil measure to take is that of posting immediately a short note filled with kindly thoughts, and intimate friends of the lady or her family call to offer her their good wishes. When a call is not made, or even when it is, the lady appreciates the gifts of flowers sent from the florist's and accompanied by the donor's card, on which the phrase. With best wishes, or To wish you great happiness, may be written. A very near and dear woman friend of a lady an- nouncing her betrothal may send her, with a note of felicitation, what is known as an engagement gift. This may take the form of an individual teacup and saucer, a silver-gilt trinket known as "the Hand of Fatima, the Wife of the Prophet of Allah," or a brooch of carved ivory showing a bud and blossom of the orange tree. An engagement gift is preferably selected to serve as an individual belonging, and is most prettily suitable when it is symbolical of bridehood or happy marriage. Gifts at this juncture are not usually sent to the lady's fiance, but he and she are obligated to answer all notes of congratulation very promptly. The lady returns calls of felicitation within a few days. She writes prompt notes of thanks for engagement gifts, and she answers kind good wishes with an expressive 520 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage " Thank you so much, " — or " You are very kind, " — or "I am so pleased to have your blessing and approval. " The mother of a young man who announces his engagement makes it a point to call immediately upon . her son's fiancee. When a happy lover's 1^^ father is alive, this gentleman calls with his wife, eldest daughter, or sister upon the bride-to-be. Such a call is most ceremonious, espe- cially when the two famihes to be allied are but newly acquainted. The yoimg lady, in such circumstances, receives with her mother this call, which is made for the purpose of offering her the good wishes of the family of her fianc6 and of welcoming her into its circle. When a formal acquaintance or genuine intimacy has existed, previous to the annoxmcement of the betrothal between the two households concerned, it still remains the duty of aU adult members of the gentleman's immediate family to call upon the lady of his choice. They may call in a body, or separately, as they please, but this essential compliment must be paid very promptly. The aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, of a groom-to-be call, if they are courteously disposed, upon the biide-elect. Their duties are not obUgatory, and they may call at their leisure. When the two families concerned live widely sepa- rated, and have had no previous acquaintance of each other, the heads of the gentleman's household, after writing pleasantly to the lady of the son's or brother's choice, need take no decided steps toward evidences of friendly sentiment. However, they may evince delight- ful and welcomed good will by inviting the prospective wife of their near and dear relative to pay them a visit. CourtsHip Courtesies 521 An invitation for such a visit must proceed from the feminine head of the gentleman's family, and it may or may not be made to synchronize with a sojourn that he also makes to the home of his parents. Even by making some sacrifice and by dint of making great effort, a young lady, recently engaged, should accept such an invitation and should go prepared to create the best impression possible. She should use all her powers of tact, deference, and sweetness of manner on meeting the relatives of her fiance, and judge by the kind of greeting she is accorded whether her engage- ment has been accepted in a friendly spirit. She may not, if herself diffident and her fiance's people very reserved, begin by immediately addressing any of the prospective new relations who are her seniors by their given names. Rightly enough, she may ask to be spoken to and of as Mary or Lotdse, as the case may be. When the families of a newly engaged couple reside in the same neighborhood, the parents of the gentleman should be asked by those of the lady to appear at any entertainment given for the purpose of annotmcing the betrothal. Later, the family of the gentleman should entertain his lady-love and her parents at a ceremonious dinner. In these last circumstances, the bride-to-be goes in to table on the arm of her future father-in-law, who shows himself a gentleman of gallantry and taste by asking the young lady's permission to address her by her given name. The family of the lady, having given their consent to the engagement, may, imasked, proceed to address the futtu"e husband of their daughter, sister, sister-in-law, or niece, by his given name. In her home he must be welcome to appear frequently for the purpose of seeing 522 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage his future bride, who is privileged to accompany him, tmchaperoned, to church, to concerts, to theatre matinees, and even to balls and dinners given in honor of them both and by their mutual friends. Engaged couples are permitted to go to evening entertainments at the theatre or opera together, when the lady is no longer a debutante, and when they do not occupy a box. They are not, however, allowed to dine t^te-a- tSte in public restaurants, to go on joturieys together unchaperoned, nor is the lady permitted to go tmaccom- panied to the bachelor lodgings of her affianced. The gifts he may give her axe numerous, including certain articles of apparel, such as jeweled ornaments, sunshades, gloves, etc., or handsome leather traveling conveniences. The engagement ring is the first gift presented by an accepted lover, and this may be whatever gem-set circlet of gold he can afford or the lady may prefer. On her own part, a woman is privi- leged to accompany her lover upon his mission of pur- chase, aiding him in the selection of the stone he wishes her to wear, and having the gold circle fitted to her finger. She may also ask her fiance to wear, on the third or fourth finger of his left hand, a ring she be- stows. To announce an engagement publicly, that is, in print, by means of a formal notice in the columns set aside for the advertisement of news, is not the course followed in polite society. The mother of the young lady whose betrothal is to be made pubUc sends the information to that editor, on one or more of the local papers, whose special business is the collection and publication of social events. To the society editor, as such a collector of social information is called, a civil note asking for a mention of the betrothal in some special edition is forwarded. CourtsKip Ccurtesies 5^3 When for any cause an engagement is, to use the fa- miliar term, "broken off, " the gentleman usually leaves it to the lady and her family to make the „ . ■^ . Broken vows announcement and assign the cause. In fact, he leaves it gallantly and gracefully to be vmder- stood that the lady chose to have the vows dissolved, and that release from fvilfillment of their future obliga- tions proceeded voluntarily from her. A gentleman makes no explanations publicly or privately of the causes of dissolution of the tie that once held. He contradicts nothing that the lady may choose to say, even when her statement is by no means flattering to his vanity, or even to his reputation for fair dealing, fidelity, or cour- tesy. Immediately upon being absolved from his be- trothal promise, a gentleman rettims to the lady, from whom he has parted, all her letters, if he has preserved them, and all the gifts she may have given him. At the earliest convenience a well-bred woman responds in kind, sending back only such gifts as were given, and letters written by him, during his engagement. The memen- tos of his courtship she may preserve if she pleases. To near relations and friends a lady should write briefly, aimouncing the alteration in her future plans, or, where wotmded feeling exists and great suffering ensues, her mother may undertake this difficult task. By a stUl bet- ter method, and by commtmicating with the society edi- tors of the local papers, a simple announcement may be published to the effect that the marriage arranged be- tween Mr. A. B. and Miss L. F. will not take place. Such a course of notes and printed information is only fol- lowed where the engagement was ceremoniously an- nounced. In the ordinary cotirse of events the lady informs her friends of the rupture by word of mouth, or by the verbal assistance of her mother or a matron friend. CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE THE GENTLE ART OF CONVERSATION Too many men and women, alas, believe that to excel in conversation they must be able Matter and ^^ f^g^ ^^^ ^^^^ promise of that great manner -^ *^ person who wrote: "Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear." In other words, the average human being lays too much stress on the wit or wisdom, the gayety or instruc- tive quality of his speech. The touch of true eloquence, the capacity for quick repartee, the rapid flow of words and easy play of comment on a great variety of topics are often and erroneously considered, by too great a ntmiber of otherwise sensible folk, as the only essential endowments for social success. Such gifts as these are too rare and too subtle to be acquired by virtue of study or by means of taking thought. Yet the gentle art of conversation, as most agreeably practiced, has not altogether to do with those particular qualities. Indeed, a man may possess wisdom and knowledge, his words may flow easily and his wit may sparkle readily, and for all that he may not prove so delightful a companion as a simple and uninspired soul 524 TKe Gentle Art of Conversation 525 who puts into practice that good maxim of talk which holds that it is not so much the matter but the manner of your speech that enchants the hearer. So, sadly often, indeed, is the eloquent individual avoided and mistrusted, even voted a bore, while the man of few and simple words is eagerly sought after. The reason for this seeming anomaly is not far to seek, when we find that the person of simpler speech remembers always to be fair. This may very properly be called the golden rule of conversation. To whomsoever looks into these pages with a view to acquiring helpful inf orma- , . , . . , , The rule of tion, the writer may unhesitatmgly de- reciprocity clare that to please and to encotirage, to attract and to inspire others, the reader must remember his duty as a listener. The saddest mistake and the most common one of which the majority of cleverly loquacious persons are guilty is their desire to do all the talking. To one who is conscientiously in search of a talisman to popularity let us make haste to urge the importance of realizing that even a most docile and attentive hstener may all the while be filled with a wish to talk a httle, too. So, when set down in a drawing- room by a new acquaintance or an old one, do not fall into the distressing mistake of trying to dominate the conversation. You may feel, indeed know, yoturself to be the more experienced, educated, and gifted person, but you must not begin to instruct Mrs. A., or to over- power her with your flow of easy, graceful language. Remember, if you please, what aji effect of conceit there is so often displayed by this, and what a wonder- ful thing it is to know how to draw out the ideas and loosen the tongue of a qtiiet companion. 526 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e Don't forget that Mrs. A. may have experiences and beliefs of her own which, with encouragement, she may feel most flattered to express; therefore, you really are not playing fair if you drive your own hobby-horses so fast and so far that you leave no time to discover if Mrs. A. does not possess a few of her own. For the sake of your own reputation and for the sake of winning others, you must therefore understand that loquacity is a most tmfortunate habit and a tiresome and most tyrannical one. With just a little self-examination, by just giving a trifle of attention to yotir own voice, you can judge which way your tendency inclines, and by dint of self-control you can hold the habit in check, you can keep yoiurself in order, and, if you have an in- clination to talk too much, just bear in mind a whole- some fear of criticism. Remember that even as great a man as Lord Macatday was disliked intensely and avoided sedulously by many because of his overweening selfishness as a talker. As this is true, how, then, can you fail to lose in charm and influence by falling into a similar error? The cleverer you are and the more widely your ability is acknowledged, the greater in proportion wiU be the pleasure of your companion in finding how you stoop to conquer her by granting a ready ear to what she has to say. Never forget that people like to pour their experiences into sympathetic ears. You may know Venice as well as your pocket, ten times as well as Mr. A., but don't stultify his effort to entertain you by looking bored when he begins enthusiastically to dwell on his two weeks' holiday spent in that wonderful city, and do not demolish all his pride by saying, "Oh, yes, indeed, I 've been there dozens of times, " as though Venice were nothing to you but an old story and not The Gentle A.rt of Conversation 527 worth discussion. Permit yourself to be guided by the mood of your companion and by his interests, and not always by your own. It is a frequent fault of easy talkers that they dwell too much upon themselves and their own affairs. This is a kind of cheerful conceit that so commonly makes talk one-sided, for the talker is only interested as long as he is telling of himself, his own sayings, doings, and adventures. To pour out the story of your woes and your joys to a listener is to disregard aU the rules that make conversation out of intercourse. It is no conver- sation at all if you have given Mrs. A. your life's history during a call, while she has sat in polite silence and listened. If you have been ill, and Mrs. A. makes kind mquiries, admit you are better, or worse, or on your way to a cure, with an air of gratification at her ex- pressed soHcitude, and then change the subject to a topic that concerns herself or to a subject of common interest. Don't, on her query, laimch into the story of your illness, from that into accounts of your house, your husband, your children, and your servants, and then, after having begun your every sentence with an "I said," "I felt," " I think," "I saw," or "I went," rise to leave, adding perfunctorily with your adieus, "I hope you are guite well." Perhaps, on thinking such a meeting over, you will remember that it was a dis- tinctly one-sided interview and not a conversation at all. You spent the half-hour, perhaps, amusing Mrs. A. ; more than likely you bored her and drove home to her mind the fact she may have noticed before, that your conceit outruns your good taste or the unselfish interest you should try to show in the lives and affairs of others. Lean by preference and by self-control, then, as far 528 Cy-clopaedia of Social Usa^e as you may possibly go, to the side of intelligent de- velopment of the conversational capacities of your companions. To talk weU is a good gift, but to listen well is to possess a great power. Really, you wUl find these persons rarely, for a good listener is not one who merely sits still and in silence, passively permitting others to hold forth, listener ^^® wonders sometimes at the selfishness or the short-sightedness of that man or woman who, without gifts of ready and attractive speech, fails to cultivate the equally great accomplish- ment of giving ear with grace and charm. Silence well used can, in the social life, be transmuted from a talent of stiver into a talent of gold, and the singular fact is that many a shy girl or awkward young man sits in sullen dullness merely because it is found by them difficult, or even impossible, to talk with all the gay variety of clever Miss A. or witty Mr. B. With egregious stupidity they prefer to btiry the talent they have to burnishing it by use and increasing it by exchange. Give ear with iinderstanding and an air of delight, and you will have a high and welcome seat among the talkers. To be a good listener you must talk with yotu- eyes. You may not sit passively stUl, letting your glance go here and there. A wetter blanket cannot be introduced, to chill the fervor of the kindliest person, than such a manner as that. As you desire to be appreciated and imderstood and warmly liked, concen- trate your attention on the speaker, for your intelli- gence looks forth most clearly from your eyes, and if they wander you have lost your hold on your compan- ion. With straying gaze you have tacitly admitted TKe Gentle Art of Conversation 529 that you are bored and inattentive, so that Mr. A. or Mrs. B., who is trying to amuse you, may justly feel the uselessness of the effort. On the other hand, if your glance only flashes away temporarily to rest nowhere for any length of time save on the face of your Ustener; if you smile at htmiorous sallies, laugh outright at amusing incidents, and let your expression change from astonishment to satisfac- tion as the tale progresses, you have not made your effort in vain. The heart of your informant will be warmed with the joy of finding a deeply interested and sympathetic Hstener. She will turn again and again to meet the encouragement of youi smile, the compli- mentary air of devotion to her interest and experiences that your expressive silence has expressed, and she will not forget how your brief "How do you do?" or your "Good-morning; I am so glad to see you," was uttered with a voice and a look which betokened immediate detachment from all other interests to bright concen- tration upon the interesting fact of her appearance. As a follower of the high rule of courtesy, you may never, as a listener, be guilty of the hypocrisy of pre- tending to hearken while answering at random, since your interest has wandered elsewhere; and to turn aside and contribute a remark to another conversation while pretending to give ear only to that of Mrs. A., is to be guilty of an insult. If you must break the chain of another's words, do so only with an apology and only when it is essential. Say to your friend who is deep in an explanation of her purposes or her prospects : "Excuse me one mmnent, hut I cannot enjoy fully all you are telling me until I have seen what is wanted oj me across the room, " — or 53° Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e "Will you allow me first to answer my mother's ques- tions?" — or "7 am so sorry to be called away. May I hope to hear the rest of your adventures later?" Never let a discourse undertaken for your enter- tainment be broken off abruptly without your apologies or regrets. Never take leave of a talker with an air of relief. Never punctuate the stream of another's eloquence with the frequent reiterations of " Yes, yes, yes;" "So, so," or rather gasping, " You don't say so!" "Just listen to that!" "My! My!" etc. Ejactilations now and then, a word expressive of surprise, or a lift of the eyebrows, may serve to encotirage and please, and do not annoy. If, when listening, your attention is forcibly dis- tracted, and even your presence is required elsewhere momentarily, try to come back to your companion and to the point at which the recital ceased, with an air of pleased resumption of interest, and with some such phrase as, "And what happened after you saw him?" — or "Shall we not hear the rest of Mr. A.'s adven- tures?" — or "Do you mind telling me how that interesting affair ended?" It wounds a fellow-being's vanity when you ttun away from him upon interruption and never offer to hear the end of his experience or the development of his opinion. In the same measiure, but in different effect, it pleases a confident talker and encoturages and stimu- lates a shy one if, as a listener, you say on the appear- ance of an intruder whose appearance might break a thread of a discourse: " We are just hearing a most interesting account of the The Gentle Art of Conversation 53 1 storm from Mrs. A., to which you must listen, Mr. B." — or "Have you heard the new opera, Mrs. D.? Miss C. knows the composer and all of his romuntic story. Do tell us the rest. Miss C. " It is so easy by these short and easy speeches to convey the impression that you are ready to be enter- tained, and it is so wise to consider that in talk every one has the right to be heard with as complete as polite heed. The most frequent of all errors is committed by that person who does not give kind heed to the remarks or sentences of others and who, when a listener, interrupts. It is well to remem- ® *^*"*"°f°^L ber, if you seek the liking of your kind, that the rule of good usage among well-bred folk is on this point most emphatic. It plainly reads thus, Never interrupt. There exist exceptions to this rule, and some have been noted above, but in the majority of instances and to those seeking instruction on those points, we may safely say it is wisest and best to let your companion always bring his point of view, his replies, and queries, to a finish. Judge others in this matter by your own sensations when you are ruthlessly cut off, in the midst of speech, by some one too careless, too domineering, or too rude to grant the consideration you desire to exact. Do not yield to the temptation to help a friend out in his tale by telling half of it ; don't cut a slow talker short by an egotistical " Well, that reminds me of something I saw in Boston!" and do not break a conversation to ask an irrelevant question unless your need for information is imperative and pressing. Then it is your duty to say: " Forgive me, please, for interrupting, " — or 532 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage "/ am so sorry to interrupt, but I am obliged to ask." In other circumstances interruptions are quite unfor- givable, and the habit arises merely from a careless, selfish disregard for the rights of others, or from an overweening egotism. Better far leave your finest mot, your most startling bit of news, your most impressive theory, or your most brilliant opinion unsaid, than defy the rules of courtesy and kindliness by deliberately outraging the rights of another. Ruthless interrupters are grossly selfish talkers who have a bidlying way of lifting their voices to drown out the tones of others, and an indidgence in the habit of interrupting leads to the even more reprehensible one of contradicting. It is safe to say that no weU-bred person is ever guilty of what is known as a flat contradiction. To do so is to violate one of the finest laws of etiquette. And yet you may freely and gracefully differ with anyone in an opinion. But to say in plain terms: "7 know better," — or " You are all wrong there, Mr. .4.," — or "That is nonsense," — or "It is no such thing," is a way by which you may suddenly and irretrievably destroy all your right and title to a reputation for good breeding. It is useless to try to justify an unpleasant habit of flat contradiction by the false excuse that you practice frankness of speech. You will find few who will grant the strength of your plea, since frankness is not often confounded with rudeness by the intelligent. The contradictors are those, you will find, who have an abnormal desire for correcting others, and who think that honesty and politeness cannot walk hand in hand. But if Mrs. A. makes an erroneous statement in your presence, remember, or try hard to, that it is not absolutely necessary for you to set Mrs. A. right. It is only decently polite to leave Mrs. A. free to express The Gentle Art of Conversation 533 her opinions or make statements contrary to all your beliefs, without offering to put her straight. Two points you have to consider here : the first is that you are not infallible and that Mrs. A. may be right after all, and the second is that modesty forbids ydu. to assume the mission of making the whole world think your way. Then, too, if without solicitation on any- one's part you rise up to assert rudely that the food was good at the H, hotel, you have established an unimportant fact at the price of proving Mrs. A. a stupid and an tmtruthful person. Yet to differ, and to defend in conversation when necessary, there is a way open to you — a polite, effective, honest, and convincing way. If Mrs. A. offers cruel or unjust evidence against your friend, it is not noble defense to contradict her words flatly and fling them in her face. You may take up the cudgels for the ma- ligned one as promptly and effectively as possible by saying: "I am so sorry to hear of your experience of Mrs. D. I have known her for years, " etc. — or "I am afraid, Mrs. A., that you are sadly misinformed about Mr. B. He is an old friend, " etc. Here in drawing-room talk you are morally obligated to rise to defense, but if Mrs. A. states that the Maure- tania carried her across the ocean in three days, that Miss T. wore a green dress to the Blankes' ball, that Arnold Bennett wrote Little Women, or that Fiona MacLeod was an Irishwoman, let the errors pass with a smile or a look of bland indifference. Perhaps Mr. B. pronounces French names all wrong, and speaks of Barcelona as the capital of Spain. In such a case do not yield to the temptation a moment later to mention that Madrid is the Spanish capital, and make it a point 534 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage to mention the French word Mr. B. mangled, with a clear and precisely correct pronunciation. To do so is to prove that you are as ignorant of true politeness as Mr. B. is of the French language or Spanish geography, and thereby your inferiority is the greater. Now, in entering upon any conversation, strive to keep too much emphasis out of your tones, your words, and your expression. It is only civil not Channs to be ^^ ^^ ^^^ positive and too emphatic, and acauired it is a small but a charming quality to be able to wear an air of composure when talking or when listening. Americans, as a rale, are over-vivacious. Most of us talk too loud, laugh too much, and gesticu- late with our features as a Frenchman does with his hands. We use too much slang from a mistaken idea that slipshod speech is humorous, and we have nervous habits. Blessed and soothing and weU-bred, indeed, is that individual who talks quietly and in sweet simple English, and whose every second phrase is not followed by an / giiess, or DonH you know, or / mean to say. Such a one may not be noisy, witty, or wise, but he has a grace of calm that brings the balance of his value very near to more showy accomplishments. The beauty of the modulated voice is one to be acquired. For, would you know whether you have it or not, merely listen to yourself a while and its tone will be detected. Deter- mine to bring your speaking voice down a note or two if it soars too far aloft, and you can easily do it, just as you can conquer a nervous laugh that means nothing save irritation to those who share your company. Slang, the high voice, the titter or giggle are nothing but habits, and habits that any human being may control by dint of a little effort. THe Gentle Art of Conversation 535 In talk, if you are to enjoy it at its best, and if in talk you hope to go far on the road that leads to social eminence, you must learn early the pro- tection there is from pitfalls to be found ?, ^.° ^ self-restratnt in consistently refraining from argument. Engage in discussion only so far as is safe, and that is never very far, especially if you feel intensely on any subject inder discussion. As in the Japanese art of jujitsu the secret of self-defense hes in a seeming yield- ing which leads to victory, so in discussion the person who is the first to give way has won the field of battle. There is no gain, no glory, no good resiilt of any sort achieved by fighting out a subject on Hnes of feeling. A smiling retreat, a deft change of subject, or an ami- able sHence, leaves the obstinate pursuer of the topic alone, doubtful, and feeling very foolish on the stand he has taken. Leaving him to beat the air with his words, you march off with all the honors. To be drawn into an argument is as great an error of taste as to laugh at the mistake of a companion, and to tell stories deroga- . tory to anyone in a company where you are not very very stire of your hearers. It is more than a matter of shght importance to know not only how to make, but how to take, a kind, or even a complimentary, remark. No brief is held here for the fulsome flatterer, but to one in ®^ ^^^^"^ doubt of a social course the writer unhesitatingly recom- mends the conquest of a habit, if it exists, for too great candor. By this is meant the candor that lies in saying : " What makes you so pale, Mrs. A.? Are you not well? " — or "/ saw your sister on the street to-day, Mr. B., and thought her looking so ill, " — or 536 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e " Why did you plant that geranium bed in front 0/ your house. Miss D.? It makes it look like a summer hotel,'' — or "If you ask me, Mr. E., I am willing to confess I do not think that make of automobile worth a cent. " Such is the frankness that hurts and harms, just as the ungracious reception of a compliment wounds the speaker of kindly words. "Did you like it? I thought I was as hoarse as a frog," was the rough reply of a young lady when a pretty speech was made after her song. She may really have thought her voice in poor conditiou, but her answer in such circumstances should have been: " I am so glad you liked it, but I am afraid I was not at my best, " — or "// is nice to hear that you were pleased; I wish I had done better. " Now, it is only safe to say that the people who never make and never accept pretty speeches are both rude and cruel. It is a gracious accomplishment to forbear comments on a friend's frail looks, fooUsh ptirchases, or errors in judgment; it is also an evidence of amiable sweetness to remark in complimentary fashion on the fresh, pleasant looks of a friend, the becomingness of her dress, or the success of her endeavors. There is no false flattery meant by such speeches as : "7 am charmed to see you looking so well, " — or " We heard of you at the concert, Mr. A., and of your success. How pleased you must be!" — or "Mrs. A., I must tell you how sweet your daughter looked at the dance last night, " — or " Please remember me to your sister. Miss Blanke; we all thought her so charming, " — or TKe Gentle Art of Conversation 537 "Mr. Brown, Mrs. A. says you have the most perfect roses of the season. " There is a pretty habit to be encouraged in saying kind things that are true and in remembering to say them. The most austere individual yields to the in- fluence of that person who, without gush, never fails to notice with a few agreeable words any commendable object or action. We, one and all, love appreciation, and an appreciation that is not only felt but expressed, even over the tiniest detail. A good housekeeper never fails to soften to a frank pleasure expressed over a perfectly prepared dish; a well-dressed woman enjoys hearing that blue is her most becoming color, and a strong man is none the less gratified for hearing that his judgment inspires confidence, or that his manner of handling his automobile excites admiration. Now, while flattery is odious and carries slight weight with it, the well-bred individual is never in the least justified in treating either false praise or kind compli- ments with a rough air of contempt or derision. It is an art in conversation to know how to receive pretty speeches with grace. One need not return them in kind — only the shameless flatterer expects such repay- ment; but one may always, with amiable simplicity, rise fully to the occasion. A compliment, indeed, may never be ignored, its terms denied, or its maker forced to feel a disagreeable sense of having committed an impertinence. You may truly dislike compliments, or you may dislike the source whence they proceed, but you must in all circumstances remember to say with an air of amiability: "How very kind of you, " — or " T am happy to know that my playing gave pleasure, " — or 538 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e "My sister will be so pleased to hear all the nice things you have to say of her, " — or "How very appreciative Mrs. R. is! T shall think the better of my roses for having pleased her." In social intercourse it is easiest always to talk about what you know best. But if your companion does not understand your hobby, or is too self- * ° ^*^ centered to leam what it is, let him talk about his interests to you. If you are a shy individual, or puzzled to begin talk with a sUent person, do not rush to the conclusion that the silence of your compan- ion is the result of dtillness or indifference. A great railway president or a major-general may, in a draw- ing-room, suffer as actual agonies of shyness as a schoolboy or a debutante. Always take it for granted that beside whomisoever you are placed there exists some topic in which your companion is interested. If he does not introduce it himself, then exert yourself to discover its location. Invariably begin a difficult con- versation with a question rather than an assertion, and don't forget to begin with simple themes. Even the weather will do if no other subject presents itself. "If you play golf I suppose this weather seems very discouraging, " — or "I wonder if you are interested in flowers, and can tell me what that big blue blossom in the centrepiece is?" — or "Do you, by any chance, know who won at the tennis tournament? " — or " / see you are wearing a jade ring. Is it Chinese, and has it any history? I am deeply interested in jade. " Questions thus put cannot but evoke an answer, and thus the waters of sUence may be broken into cheerful ripples and wavelets, and the most selfish, the most shy, THe Gentle Art of Conversation 539 or the most indifferent, persuaded to yield to a gentle influence. By the very simple device of giving an attentive ear, by the stimulation of such phrases, as "How very interesting /"or "Do tell me more of that/" a narrator can be coaxed into forgetfulness of diffidence or indolence, and drawn into a friendly intercourse which is worthy the expenditure of the finest and most unselfish effort. CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR CLUBHOUSE ETIQUETTE The hospitality of a club is not to be lightly regarded. The member who gives a friend the freedom of his club is in every respect a host, but a host e guest o a ^mong other potential hosts, and he may club member f , , . , ,' not put up at his club the merest chance acquaintance of whom he knows little or noth- ing; nor should he give a guest-card to a man whose peculiarities of mind or maimer might render him unwelcome to the other members of the organization. It behooves a member of many clubs to know exactly the extent to which he has the right to entertain in the homes of the various associations to which he belongs ; for it is an unwarranted liberty to try to thrust in a stranger where his presence is not by rule allowed, and, by so doing, an inofiEensive friend may be placed in a most awkward predicament. Men give cards and intro- ductions freely in behalf of their guests to their country, yacht, athletic, and civic associations. Such clubs are usually most freely hospitable, and the guest-rules are liberal and flexible. But there are clubs — and clubs. The man, therefore, who is newly elected to a snugly housed organization, should read, mark, leam, and inwardly digest its written rules and study its unwritten laws before he ventures to introduce outsiders. 540 ClubKouse Etiquette 54^ But at no time, and to no clubs, should he introduce a stranger of either sex for whom he cannot vouch. At a country club to which he drives his houseful of agreeable guests, he must play the host from his heart and from his pocket, as though the clubhouse roof were his very own. But he must be mindful to keep an ignorant or indiscreet friend, introduced to grounds and veranda for an afternoon, from violating rules. His business is to pay for all the caddies, lemonades, baths, boats, and golf- or tennis-baUs for which his friends may have need. If a meal is served, he sits at the table's head and acts as host ; and he does not take a young lady to his clubhouse unchaperoned, unless he is her very near relative. If a stranger, introduced by a club member, is guilty of a serious, or a small, breach of good behavior, the member must stand responsible for all the damage done to property and the proprieties. He must pay for broken articles and offer apologies for injiu-ed feel- ings, and he must not blunder in bringing a hopelessly indiscreet man or woman back again to the scene of his or her misbehavior. As for the guest himself, we can give coimsel to correct club demeanor no more succinctly than by the phrase, Conduct yourself with a propriety as nice as that you would observe in your friend's home. This is the rule to be followed by the man who is put up for a week at a conservative town club, and it is to be followed by both men and women who may be taken for a day's or an afternoon's pleasuring at a golf- or general country-club. The man who is put up at a city club is introduced personally by a member, or he is given a guest-card, or his friend's visiting-card, bearing introductory words, to be presented in the clubhouse office. Thereafter, 542 Cyclopaedia of Social XJsa^e and for a limited time, he is privileged to read, write dine, lunch, or breakfast, and perhaps sleep, at the clubc He may smoke, and run up a biU for essentials there, and may make himself very much at home. But he may not by an hour overstay the limit of hospitality; he may not extend this hospitality to others who are strangers to the club, and he must not expect his friend to pay for the meals, the wines, cigars, postage, etc., that he has ordered for himself. Before leaving the clubhouse finally, he must ask for his bill and dis- charge it fully, and ascertain whether or no he is privileged to tip any or all of the servants. A stranger put up for a time at a club through a member's introduction usually waits for the regular club members to recognize him first, and he is exceed- ingly careful not to interfere in any smallest way with the habits of regular members. He must not block the window where old Mr. A. loves to sit, or take the easy chair Mr. B. ordinarily occupies; nor may he engage a table in the dining-room in advance when the club's restaturant is very popular. A club guest does not presume to stand on any rights, or exact any. If he is not treated with the courtesy and consideration he desires, he should retire, and without complaint to anyone. f The modem woman has modeled her club on the very excellent pattern evolved by many generations of masculine experience. There is little ^.j^Ij difference now to be observed in club rules and their workings tmder feminine direction and in purely feminine interests, when we compare them with masculine application to masctiline needs. Women and men have combined their pleasiores Clubhouse Etiquette 543 and interest in many cases where sporting and golf- clubs are established; or, in many country clubs, the wives and daughters of the gentlemen who constitute the membership have fuU rights, save in business meet- ings and in balloting. But the woman's club pure and simple is founded absolutely on masculine precedent; only in a few of its iinwritten laws does the etiquette observed therein differ from that the sterner sex observes. At a woman's club, usually and wisely, provision is made for agreeably entertaining at formal and informal meals. A special dining-room is ordinarily set aside for this purpose, and there only may a member bring her male relatives and friends for an afternoon cup of tea, or a genuine dinner party. She may tea or dine alone there with a gentleman who is her relative or her acknowledged fiance, or she may take her tea in a comer with a masculine admirer. But, at a dinner, she must not dine tete-a-tSte with a man friend. The presence of a brother, a sister, or a matron friend, is required also if she purposes to give a formal dinner party at her club. And in event of the dinner party the presence of a matron friend or matron relative lends the function greater grace and dignity than when the company of a youthful relative is relied upon to contribute the chaperoning element. It is something more than a mere feather in one's cap to be known in a club as a popular member. The term is but an abbreviated explanation of the existence of tact, considerable good- , . *^<= ii ° club member nature, and a very law-abiding instinct in the individual so caUed. The popular club- woman or clubman does not violate club rtiles, does not fail to pay dues and fees and fines and bills and card 544 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage debts — ^if such exist — most promptly. This same indi- vidual does not gossip in the club or out of it, and, while requiring all rightful attention of the servants, is never impatiently exacting of their service, never grumbles at them, and discusses nobody with them. A popular man member does not discuss the ladies of his household or his acquaintance in the public rooms. Indeed, on the subject of his feminine friends and relatives he is as silent usually at his club as is a high-class Japanese gentleman. This admirable individual shows nice tact by perfect, frank friendliness with everybody and pre- serving intimacies for a few; and if, in the library or writing-room, there is a violation of rules, he does not promptly demand that obedience to the law be instantly accorded. It is wiser in such circumstances, and in the face of persistent annoyance, to look upon the offender as probably more forgetful of his whereabouts than intentional in his error. The tactful member in such circumstances looks mildly rotmd once or twice, but he does not protest in audible ire when the delinquent is unknown. He sends a servant, instead, to offer a courteous reminder of the rules of the room. A popular member of a man's, or, for that matter, a woman's, club is by no means the richest or the most liberal in dispensing favors and hospitalities. But the rule of reciprocity is one this member never forgets. She does not, for instance, accept too many club dinners without returning at least in the lesser degree of teas, when dinners in kind are not within the scope of her purse. For masculine club members there are no rules to cite on this point, every man establishing a law unto him- self with regard to changes of dress for afternoon or ClubKoxise Etiquette 545 evening. To a country club he would not wear a top- hat and frock-coat, but in the evening in summer he may reasonably dine in his white or navy- blue yachting flaimels, or wear full even- '*^® *. ^ ing dress, or adopt the more comfortable dinner jacket and black tie with white evening linen, black trousers, and pumps. To the veranda of a country clubhouse, where guests of both sexes are having their teas, an athletic member should not resort with his sleeves high rolled and in the collarless, tieless, heat-moistened shirt he has worn in a prolonged and desperate encounter on the links or courts, while his tousled hair and streaming face give evidence of his efforts or his achievements. The country-clubhouse porches are not the scene for a feminine display of too sporting a disregard of orderly hair and dress. Young ladies whose athletic zeal out- runs delicacy and good taste err too often in this respect, and do not increase thereby, as they so often mistakenly believe they do, the general respect and admiration in which they are held. Women visitors to a cotmtry clubhouse may well appear in their crispest, laciest wash frocks when tea is to be drunk or games are to be watched. With such gowns, gay hats, white shoes and gloves, and fitiify parasols are used; but, on the other hand, at a club afternoon party, or luncheon, or morning entertainment, a woman may well appear in a simple white shirt and skirt. At night, when a club dance is to be enjoyed or a big dinner is given, the women guests, as a rule, dress as for a private entertainment ; that is to say, in decol- let6 evening gowns with jewels. When dinner of a very simple sort, to be followed by nothing more ceremonious than sporadic dancing, is to fill an evening, the feminine 546 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage guests may stiitably appear in white linen or serge skirts with pretty lingerie blouses and white shoes. For a ladies' day at a man's city club, when during an afternoon the house is thrown wide for feminine visitors, and buffet refreshments are served, the members on the reception committee, and those who are on hand to enjoy the unusual presence of women guests, wear afternoon dress. The choice here is between a frock- coat of black goods with gray trousers, or coat and trousers to match, the former with frock skirts. This mixed or imiform type of suit is worn with a white or colored waistcoat, a tie of a soft tone or one that accords with waistcoat, white linen, a top-hat, and gray gloves. Many men prefer to substitute a cutaway for the frock coat, and the effect is quite as good as that pro- duced by the more ceremonious garment. Women, at such a function, usually appear in calling- dress. This may be a velvet, silk, voile, crSpe-de-chine, or other fine-fabric costume trimmed with lace or braid; or a handsome cloth suit once known as a "tailor- made" is a privileged costume. This suit is often in the form of a sldrt and coat, and under the latter appears a charming blouse of delicate material and fancifully trimmed. A prettily garnished hat, light gloves, and a calling-bag are the addenda of such a toilet, and the wearer leaves only her heavier outer wraps in the cloak-room and retains her gloves and veil throughout the afternoon. Once a year a club of gentlemen may Etiquette of -p^igely and gracefully invite the wives, stranger's day . ■' 7-, ^ i r ■ j at a club Sisters, sweethearts, and women friends of its members to inspect its luxurious quarters and break cake, if not bread, under its roof- ClubhoMse Etiqviette 547 The same gracious hospitality is accorded as a rule by the well-housed clubs patromzed by ladies, to interested and friendly masculine outsiders. The invi- tations to a club's ladies' or gentlemen's day are usually engraved on large white spaces of bristol-board, and the hospitality is offered in the name of the club, thus: The Park Club requests the pleasure of your company on Movday, May the sixth, from four to seven o'clock. A smaller card should accompany each invitation, inscribed with the word Admit followed by a dotted line, and below a second dotted line, on which respec- tively are written the names of the ladies to be admitted, as Mrs. John A. and family, and below the second line the name of the member who is responsible for forward- ing the invitation to Mrs. John A. The same course wotild be followed in wording and issuing invitations from a woman's club. Usually, on ladies' day at a man's club, no outside masculine guests are invited, the members of the club itself supplying the manly element required. The reception committee while on duty, in frock coats and wearing flowery boutonni^res, does not formally receive the ladies. Those who thus serve greet all their friends and intro- duce members to them, keep an eye to the dining-room suppHes, and previously arrange that all the club's reception-rooms shall be widely open, and that music is on hand to add the gayest of harmonies to the bright scene. Arriving women guests usually find a coat- room ready and well equipped for their use, with a 548 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage woman-servant in attendance. Divested of their wraps, the ladies wander at will through the opened rooms, and are escorted by the friend or relative member, who is on hand to look to their comfort, through the interesting parts of the house and to the dining-room. Members who send out cards to their women friends and relatives shoiold try to be present in order to play the part of host to those whom they have invited. Those who receive cards of invitation to a club-day do not write answers or send cards of regret. An invitation to dine, lunch, or tea at a clubhouse as the guest of an individual friend is always to be treated as though a bidding to a private house had been forwarded. CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE HOME ETIQUETTE It is as unfortunate as it is a common habit of the larger portion of humanity to regard the theory and practice of etiquette as applicable and invaluable for the creation only of a good civilities impression abroad. Among kind and clever folk there is often drawn as sharp a distinction between the maimer to be observed at home and abroad as between the shabby and the smart garments donned for private and for pubHc wear. This is undoubtedly a pity and an unwise kind of economy. It reacts unhappily on its practitioner by never giving him true ease of public bearing, and it robs his home life of an element that lends it an invaluable sweetness and charm. It is indeed no new statement that the best school for manners is one's own fireside. Practice of the pretty civilities there makes for perfection of conduct in intercourse with the stranger within or without one's gates, and evidence is daily given of the luckless slips of tongue and hand committed by the man or the woman who assumes a careless, tactless, slipshod ease of demeanor in the family circle. No human being can ever be sure of himself and of his 549 550 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e conduct with the outside world of society who does not grant his household the same cotirteous consideration he means to show to friends and acquaintances, since good manners cannot be put off and on with impunity. It must become a habit of daily living in order to con- vince and charm, and the best way to acquire the easy and familiar use of gracious ways is to adopt them for home service. For example, if you yearn ardently to acqtiire the essential graces of the perfect dinner-party guest, whose presence is warmly desired in good houses, you must not between invitations let the necessary civilities rust from disuse. Busy as you may be, it is only a small compliment to your household to sit down to the fanuly breakfast with an air of placid good-will toward jjggj,^ everybody. It is selfish and depressing to begin the first meal of the day with a cold neglect of the tiny rite of salutation, or a grudging "Good-morning. " A sulky air of disgust with the new day, expressed by a somber silence which evokes anxious inquiries as to your health, or an immediate announce- ment of broken sleep, or divers complaints of food, are the results of mere selfish self-indulgence. Common consideration for the others requires the most cheerftil aspect of life that it is possible, even with great effort, to assume at breakfast. If Kate and John have tales of woe to tell, listen to them with soothing interest, but do not interrupt in order to contribute your own affecting story of midnight vigils. If you find a bit of depressing news in a letter reserve it, ia case it must be told, for the end of the meal ; and do not frankly quarrel with or over your food. After breakfast you may have Home Etiquette 551 it out with the cook; you may sternly correct the dining- room servant for neglect of duty, or you may feel it requisite once more to try and impress it upon the wifely or daughterly housekeeper that your coffee posi- tively must be given to you perfectly strong and hot. But the breakfast-table should be inviolate from even the smallest scenes. You may legitimately, while you discuss your bacon and eggs, read your letters, or peep into yoiu" paper, if nobody seems particularly to want your attention, but it is flagrantly rude for the head of the house to bring his paper in to dinner. This is a meal even more sacred to the claims of courtesy than breakfast, and thereat the aid to good digestion that waits on appetite is cheerful conversation. Every member of a family should feel it a duty to be punctual at the home dinner, and to surround it with as ranch pretty ceremony as its service wDl permit. A husband, adult sons, or hard-studying schoolboys need not at home feel it their invariable duty to leap forward to open doors, rescue pocket-handkerchiefs, and stand erect at formal attention for the dear and imexacting women of the family ; but for dinner, even in the simplest households, certain fine formalities should be observed : such, for example, as punctuality, and a careful apology directed toward the mistress of the house for unavoid- able delay in appearing. For the home dinner, among well-to-do folk, a change from severe or sober street garments to something fresh and cheerful on the women's part, lends the table charm. The men also in similar circumstances perhaps may not escape from their offices in time to assume evening dress, but they can always spare ten minutes for putting off street shoes and for a general freshening of their business dress. A family going jn to this meal should observe an order of 552 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e precedence : the mother leading the way, the daughters following, the men of the house bringing up the rear and standing courteously until the women are seated. A gentleman in his home and as the head of the house- hold may well adopt the complimentary habit of draw- ing out his wife's chair and seeing her seated before seeking his own, and by conveying, to the lady who sits opposite him at table his consent to rise and follow her from the room as soon as she is prepared to give the signal that the meal is at an end. Yet even more important than these ceremonies is the maintenance of talk that is suitable to the occasion. It need not be pretentious, strained, or artificial ; it may have to do with simple, workaday and home affairs, but it must be placid and general and deal with fairly agreeable topics. Heavy is the penalty we pay for sitting in selfish silence or in stony gloom at a home dinner; for dilating thereat on the base behavior of the cook or maid of all work ; for entering upon acrimonious discussions over any matter whatsoever ; for correcting, accusing, contradicting, or for enlarging upon painful and depressing family misfortunes. It is scarcely possible to make a habit of permitting these mistakes at home, and then aspire abroad to adopt easily another tone. One may as well hope to shovel one's food in daily with a knife before one's family, and then, on special occasions, display the most unerring and dainty grace of table deportment. Infallibly, when abroad, a talker gives more than a clew to his home practices in conversation. Family -^^ ^^^^ ^^^^ ^^ know whether Mr. T. conversation „ . . . returns from his office m the evemng to carve the joint to a quick fire of cheerful questions Home Etiquette 553 and kind contribution of news and comments; or whether he sits behind the roast in sour silence or speaks only to announce that the meat is tough and the pease underdone. He is a gauche man at a dinner party for the very good reason that, at home, he does not think it a part of his daily duty to make himself agreeable to those who are obliged to see the most of him. This is a sad fact, but a common one, and goes only to prove how important it is to be unselfishly nice in home confabula- tions, which should always be kept singularly free from argument. It is such a grievous mistake to think because May is your sister and differs with you on the comparative value of this or that, that you have a per- fect right to deny her statements, laugh at her belief, or stir up her quick resentment. Common kindliness ought to restrain you from entering upon a discussion of tender points, and even in jest it is vulgarly rude to say to a sister or brother: "Oh, get out! I know better," — or: " You do hear with your elbows. She said it happened on Thursday." You may mean no unkindliness thereby, but a rough way is always a rude way in matters of speech, and your traitorous tongue may one day fill you with shame by rapping out such contradictions in a circle of strangers who judge you by your manner and not by your meaning. So, at home, grant the privileges you would enjoy yourself. Let ten-year-old Bobby trip and stumble through a rambling account of how he caught the fish, without roughly interrupting, correcting, or jeering, and putting him out of conceit with his little achieve- ment ; and forbear to tease. It is silly and vmldnd and ill-mannered to fall into this habit so often practiced in 554 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e families. Besides, it displays but feeble wit to poke the kind of fun which humiliates another person. It is only- cruel, and not really funny, to wink and make faces and giggle and Hft eyebrows when a pretty sister's admirer calls, to ask her saucy questions concerning her men friends, and to imply that every young gentleman who pays her attentions is a suitor for her hand, a source of gifts, or an enctmibrance in the drawing-room. Indeed, all forms of teasing are deplorable methods of diversion, calculated to give rise to more pain and mortification than merriment, and to be voted sheer insolence when the home-teaser inadvertently attempts it with some mere acquaintance. From a custom unluckily prevalent in family life, the phrase "home truths" implies a disagreeably frank „ speech, a comment or correction offered Home truths . , . , i ,- t m very unpalatable form. In so many homes, alas, the members of a family feel qualified by their relationship and its intimacies to state facts in a form that wiU hurt the hearer. The dealer in home truths, on the very poor plea of honesty, says to a near relative : "Well, I'd never tell you a secret, for you cannot keep one, " — or " WTiy on earth cannot you cultivate more agreeable manners? " — or " That color makes you look perfectly green, my dear," — or "Jack, you can't win a game to save your life," — or " Well! you have a big foot, " — or "My dear Mary, your friend Miss J.'s hair looks too gold to be true. " Few indeed are the home truths that help, and the Home Etiquette 555 dealer in them is usually a person too thin-skinned to bear the recoil of his trying habit on his own head. He may boast that he says what he thinks, but that is no justification for such self-indulgence, as he may easily think very recklessly and erroneously; besides, a home truth is usually a barbed shaft: it sticks and wounds because it is remembered, and it is therefore a good thing in farmly life not to try and correct the faults of others too ftdly. If Mary has a big foot or red hair, and if Jack is unlucky or clumsy in his manners, it is so charmingly sweet and kind to try, as their parent or their sister, to be tender of their feelings on these unhappy points. A kindly commendatory speech at home has twice the value of a rudely frank one, and it is such a mistake to thiiik that your wife or husband, brother „ ■ . , The home or sister, does not appreciate one when compliment coming from your lips. No pleasant comment so warms the heart of its hearer as that made in the family circle by the member who is not too thrifty of his compliments, and who does not feel that they must be reserved for the consumption and appre- ciation of strangers. Such a member of a household remembers to say to a sister: "/ met Mrs. A., and she said so many nice things about you, " — or, to a wife: "My dear, your gown is charming," — or, to a brother: " Jack, you made us all feel proud of you to-day. " Kind speeches of this sort please heartily, because in one's family circle one never tries to flatter, and by openly attesting one's admiration one demonstrates a generous motive that is always deeply appreciated. Be- tween those closely allied by ties of blood and association, 556 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e a false impression often prevails to the effect that to pay what is called a "compliment" is to encourage the growth of conceit in the character of one's brother or sister. Rarely is vanity bred in a home circle ; rather are shyness and self -depreciation inspired and implanted there by the stem administration of too many home truths. Consequently, in family society, the interchange of kind compliments is warmly to be encouraged, and the member of a household who grants ungrudging and occasionally outspoken admiration of the gifts, good taste, graces, or accomplishments of her nearest and dearest has helped oftener to give pleasure and inspire confidence than to promote the growth of shallow vanity. But all pretty speeches in a household need not be confined to admiring Mary's hat, George's physical prowess, the excellent good dinner the wife has pro- vided, or the admirable discretion demonstrated by the husband in driving his car along a difficult bit of road- way. So much that is comforting and stimulating to what the French call amour propre is conveyed by the way in which you take leave and greet a member of yotu- family who sets off or returns from more than a day's absence. A great deal of real stanch affection may be behind an offhand "Well, good-by, Jack. Be good to yourself," — or an "Hello, May! That you?" Jack, as a result of family habit, no doubt does not require anything more in the matter or manner of a farewell, and May, perhaps, is sure that, abrupt as you are, you really feel pleased at her return. But, in both instances and in the name of affection and courtesy, you should have bade fareweU and offered greeting as fully and as carefully as to a friend. It is always worth while to wish the brother a pleasant journey ; to suggest Home Etiquette ^557 that his absence will be felt; to give him the warmest of hand-clasps, and to watch his trap as it goes from the door. To May, it is as well to say heartily that you are glad to see her back ; that you hope she is well and has had a pleasant trip, and to ask her questions, and to show a complimentary enthusiasm in her reappearance. She may not, perhaps, need this demonstration of interest as a proof of your affection, but she cannot fail to be pleased by your evidences of iaterest. The home- comer likes to find the household at the door to welcome her return ; she Hkes a Httle sense of bustle and bright in- terest at her reappearance; she is appreciative of a precedence given to her account of adventures, of a vase of fresh flowers in her room, and of some favorite dish provided specially for her first home meal ; for, in family Ufa and in the formation of that spontaneity and free grace of maimer that coimt so highly to individual credit in the outside world, this recognition of the sweet courtesies of affection proves of infinite value. CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX PRIVATE READINGS, MUSICALES, AND THEATRICALS By notes or cards, engraved or written, guests are properly bidden to any one of the above-mentioned ^ . . . forms of entertainment. The invitations The invitations , . , . , , i . ■ may be issued irom three weeks to six days in advance of a settled date. Engraved cards, when used, imply ceremonious and elaborate entertain- ing and are frequently employed for musical parties. The ofEer of hospitality would then be expressed as follows: Mrs. John E. Blanke At Home Monday evening, December the fifth at nine o'clock Fifty-one Lake View Terrace. Music R. S. V. P. or Mr. and Mrs. John E. Blanke request the pleasure of your company at a musicale on Monday evening, December the fifth, at nine o'clock. Fifty-one Lake View Terrace. ' R. S. V. P. 558 R.eaclin^s, Mvisicales, TKeatricals 559 Either of these formulas implies a fully ceremonious entertaimnent when written out on note-sheets or on correspondence cards and posted a fortnight before the date set in the invitation. In event of an author's providing drawing-room diversion by reading from his works, or of an actress entertaining with monologues or recitations, either of the above forms may be used, with the substitution in the first instance of the phrase Monologues by Madame de C. for the word Music. In the second formxila Mr. and Mrs; John E. Blanke would request the pleasure of your company at a reading from Shakespeare, by Mr. Frankfort L., or merely at a Reading or at a Lecture on Modern Germany by some distinguished individual. When a playlet, by professionals or amateurs, or tableaux, provides the excuse for gathering one's friends together, the word Tableaux- Vivants or Portraits by Old Masters or Private Theatricals takes the place of the word Music in. the formulas given. By any one of the methods given above a hostess may invite her friends to similar entertainments held in the afternoon, or she may post, to those she desires to assemble tmder her roof, her visiting-cards, on which, with her pen, she writes: Saturday, March third, at three- thirty P.M. Music. R. S. V. P.,— or Recitations by Madame de R. , at four V.U., Jan. 5th. R. S. V. P. For a party whereat the guests wiU be expected to give their attention to a programme of consecutive scenes or nimibers, arrangements must be made for seating them comfortably. One ^^^es for - , 1 . evening room, or portion of a room, on the drawing- musicales room floor should then be converted into a semblance of a stage, while the remainder of the room. 560 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage or that one opening into it by double folding doors, is transformed into an auditorium. For theatricals or tableaux a curtain and footlights must be provided, and prettily decorated programmes are in any circumstances wisely provided. If, after her reading, concert, or living pictures are over, a hostess purposes to conclude the evening with dancing, she may add the words Dancing after eleven or Dancing at the foot of every invitation. But whether dancing is arranged for or not, a supper in some form is obligatory. This is served after the programme num- bers are completed and shotdd be a buffet meal, as suggested in Chapter Seven, page 240. For an evening entertainment of this nature, given in town and in the winter, an awning and street-steps carpet may well be provided, especially in bad or threatening weather. The hostess alone, or with the host or a friend, receives her guests standing just inside the room in which her audience is to be seated or in the hallway, and accommodations in the form of cloak- rooms and general service would be as essential as at a large dinner or a dance (see Chapters Five and Seven, pages 191 and 238). Usually guests are announced, and the hostess, on bidding them welcome, suggests that seats are in wait- ing. She may be helpftdly assisted by members of her family who make it their business to aid guests in securing places and in providing programmes. If no near relatives or obliging women friends are available for this service, and her entertainment is of very elabor- ate proportions, a man in butler's evening livery or a capable maid can render aU reqtiisite assistance. A hostess keeps constantly on the alert to greet late arrivals and see that they are noiselessly seated after R.eaclin^s, Musicales, XKeatricals 561 the programme has opened. She should gently but firmly restrain delinquents from seeking places till a vocal or instrumental number is completed. A hostess's duty is to lead the applause, and she is usually careful to introduce many of her guests to the clever amateurs or gifted professional persons who have provided the important part of the entertainment. Throughout the evening a hostess remains so con- spicuously placed that all her departing guests may bid her good-night. An afternoon entertainment, with a set musical or other definite programme, is conducted on precisely the same lines as an evening function of a similar nature. Such refreshments as are usually prepared for a large afternoon reception (see Chapter Seventeen, page 423). are served. An afternoon musicale, however, is quite distinct, in many of its ceremonies, from that after- noon reception that boasts certain special features, such as vocal or instrumental numbers sporadically contributed by amateur or professional artists. In this circtomstance, the music or recitation is not set for any moment. The reception proceeds on the lines set down in Chapter Seventeen, and the hostess may easily be in the midst of greeting arrivals when a song or sonata begins. Then she rmldly implies that the silence of those around her would be agreeable, leads in the applause, and returns to her duties. Meanwhile she shoiild, if receiving in one room while in another a musician or monologuist gives interpretations, have made arrangements for some member of her household to stand near the contributor of special diversion, give the signal for a hearty hand-clapping, and see that courteous attention is paid the amateur or professional artist. A duty of the hostess is to see that the con- 562 Cyclopaedia of Social Usage tributors of special entertainment are conducted to the dining-room, and in person she must warmly compli- ment the exhibition of talent and give prettily expressed thanks for it. An invitation, requesting the pleasure of an indi- vidual's company at a musical, theatrical party, or at a reading, requires an immediate reply e o uga ons ^^^ ^ definite one, whether an answer or guests is requested or not. The response is given in terms that correspond ia formality to those employed in the invitation, thus : Mr. and Mrs. Thomas V. Barker accept with much pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. John E. Blanke for their musicale on Monday evening, December the fifth, at nine o'clock. Prompt arrival is expected and appreciated by the lady who entertains her friends with music, tableaux, or a reading. She also desires her guests after greeting her to go quietly to their seats, respond generously with applause, and give attention to the numbers on her programme. It is not obhgatory for guests to seek out the pianist, soprano, actors, or reader, and offer flatter- ing comments upon the achievement of the evening, unless the artist or artists appearing are friends or acquaintances. However, if the artists who appear are professional or not and a guest is presented to one or aU, or on the strength of previous acquaintance goes up to offer greetings, a few words of a complimentary nature should be forthcoming. IV.eadin^s, Mvisicales, THeatricals 563 In any event, the business of every guest is to seek out the hostess, or the host, at the moment of departure, and on offering farewells give sincere thanks for the evening's pleasure. Aside from these details of conduct, the demeanor of a guest of either sex at this type of social function is exactly the same as that outlined for their observation in Chapter Seventeen, pages 433 and 435. Musical, literary, or private theatrical entertain- ments, given in the evening in a private house, require of the hosts and guests the types of costtmie similar to those advised in Chap- Dress for a music flJc ter Seventeen, pages 437 and 439. Refer to the same chapter, page 440, for directions concern- ing etiquette of dress applying to men and women for afternoon musicales, readings, etc. INDEX A Aecepting introductions, 9-12 Accidents at dinner parties, 197- 199 Acknowledging wedding gifts,i22, 123 christening gifts, 364, 365 Addressing, envelopes, etiquette of, 483-490 servants, etiquette when, 372 -374 After-dinner etiquette, 200-202 Afternoon musicales, 561, 562 Announcement cards, 107, 108 Announcing a wedding, 118,119 an engagement, 517-520 Answering wedding invitations, 148, 149 dinner invitations, 165-169 baU invitation, 245, 246 breakfast and luncheon invi- tations, 278, 279 invitation to house party, 322-324 request to stand as god- parent, 362, 363 reception invitation, 432, 433 invitation to children's party, . 467 ■ mvitation to musicale, 562 Applause at public entertainments, 284 Archbishop, Anglican, how to address, 489 Roman Catholic, how to address, 489 Asking new acquaintance to call, 45.46 f or invitation to ball, 246, 247 Assembly balls, 259 Attendants of a bride, 125-128 Awning at balls, 239 B Bachelors, etiquette for, chapter on, 346 calls, 58-66 cards, 109-111 balls, 353 Balls and dances, chapter on, 228 Baron, English, how to address, 488 son of, how to address, 488 Baroness, English, how to address, 488 Baronet, how to address, 488 wife of, how to address, 489 Beginnings of notes and letters, rules for, 478 Best man, etiquette for, 145, 146 Bishop, Anglican, how to address, 489 American Protestant, how to address, 489 Roman Catholic, how to ad- dress, 490 Bouquet, bride's, 136, 137 Bowing, etiquette of, 406; 408; 413. 414 Breakfast parties, chapter on, 261; 275, 276 Bridal procession, 130-132 Bridesmaids, 140, 141 Bridge luncheons, 275 Broken engagements, etiquette of, 523 Buffet, breakfast and luncheon, 276-278 565 566 Ind ex Business woman, etiquette for, 341-345 Butler, duties of, 379-382 Buttons, boy in, duties of, 384, 385 Cabinet, member of, how to address, 484 Cake, bride's, 136 Calls, chapter on, 37 Cancelling wedding invitations, 120 Carxiinal, how to address, 489 ^how to introduce, 2, 7 Card parties, etiquette of, 401; 404, 405 Cards, chapter on, 84 ^for dinner calls, 95-97 ^for luncheon call, 97 ^for condolence call, 97 ^without a call, 102-104 -for reception call, 97, 98 Chance calls, how to receive, 71-75 Chaperonage at the theatre and opera, 295, 296 Chaperons at balls, 237 for spinsters, 340-343 during courtship, 516 of engaged couples, 522 Charm in cdnversation, 534 Chauffeur, duties of, 385-387 Children, etiquette for, ciapter on, 460 Christenings, chapter on, 355 ^in church, 355, 356 Church, etiquette in, 406; 414, 415 weddings, 129, 130 ftmeral, 499, 500 Clergy, how to introduce, 7 at christenings, 366, 367 Clubhouse, etiquette of, chapter on, 540 Coachman, duties of, 385, 386 Comforts for ball guests, 237-239 Company for dinner, selecting, 169-171 Compliments, how to pay and receive, 535-538 Concerts, etiquette at, 283, 284 Conclusions for notes and letters, 478, 479 Condolence calls, 54-56 l etters of, how to write, 505, 506 Condolence, letters of, answering, 494. 495 Congratulate, calls to, 56 Congratulation, cards of, 100, loi Conjugal card, 89, 90 Contradiction, rules against, 532 Conversation, art of, chapter on, ^ 5^4 . Conversation at home, 552-557 Cost of wedding, 124, 125 Cotillons, how to give, 254-257 Countermanding dinner invita- tions, 162, 163 Countess, how to address, 487 Courses at dinner party, service of, 185-191 Courtesy to children, due from elders, 470-472 Courtship, courtesies of, chapter on, 512 Covers at dinner party, 179-181 Cup, use of, at table, 218, 219 D Dances for children, etiquette of, 462-466 Day at home, 75-79 Debutante at baU, 243 reception, 428, 429 Departure of bride, 137 Difficult foods, how to eat, 223- 226 Dinner before theatre or opera party, 296-299 Dinners, chapter on, 158 Divorced woman's card, 90 Door-beU, how servant should answer, 369-372 Dowager countess, how to ad- dress, 487 Dowager marchioness, how to address, 487 Dress when calling, 82, 83 — — ^for weddings, 154-157 — — for diimer parties, 210 ^for balls, 259-260 for luncheons and breakfasts, 281, 282 at theatre or opera, 301 at christenings, 367 for servants, 374-387 ^for card parties, 405 ^for receptions, 437-440 when traveling, 457-459 Index 567 Dress, mourning, 507-509 • at clubs, 544-546 for musicales, 563 Driving, etiquette when, 393-397 Duchess, dowager, how to address, 486 royal, how to address, 486 Duke, royal, how to address, 486 ^how to address, 486 ^younger son of, how to ad- dress, 487 • daughter of, how to address, 487 E Earl, how to introduce, 2 ^how to address, 487 daughter of, how to address, 487 ■ ^younger son of, how to ad- dress, 488 Elbows, position at table of, 212 Engaged couple, duties of, 516- 520 English etiquette of correspond- ence, 485 Entertaining at theatre or opera, 292-294 ■ a house guest, 314, 315 during a courtship, 514 European travelers, etiquette for, 448; 453; 455: 457 Evening receptions, 430 musicales, 559-562 Family, courtesy in the, 550-552 Favors for cotillons, 254 Fees, at funerals, 498 Fingers, foods eaten with, 219-222 First calls, 42 Flowers for dianers, 177, 178 at balls, 239 at funerals, 501, 502 Footman in the house, duties of, 382, 383 Fork, use of, at table, 216-218 Formal luncheons, 263-271 receptions, 422-429 Funerals, chapter on, 491 Games, chapter on, etiquette of, 388 Garden party, etiquette of,' 430- 432 Gifts, wedding, 149, 150 christening, 363-365 acceptable from fianc^, 512- 516 exchanged between engaged couples, 522 Godparents, selecting, 360, 361 Golf, etiquette of game, 388-391 Governor, how to address, 484, 485 Greeting a house guest, 310-314 Groom, bride, 141-144 stable, duties of, 387 Guest, wedding, 150-154 dinner, 203-210 ball, selecting, 235-237 ball, duties of, 247-254 breakfast or luncheon, 279- 281 theatre or opera party, 299- 301 ■ chamber, 308-310 chouse party, duties of, 325- 335 bachelor's, 352-354 reception, 433-437 at children's party, 468 at funeral, 500-503 at musicale, 562, 563 H Habits to avoid at table, 226 Health, drinking, 366 Home etiquette, chapter on, 549 christenings, 356-358 Honor, maid of, 138-140 matron of, 140 guest of, 428; 436, 437 Host, reception, duties of, 429, 430 bachelor, duties of, 346-352 house party, duties of, 321, 322 at ball, duties of, 244, 245 Hostess, dinner, duties of, 195-200 how to introduce, 3 at ball, duties of, 242-244 luncheon, duties of, 268-270 house party, duties of, 316- 321 maiden, duties of, 336-340 reception, duties of, 426-428 Hotel, etiquette in a, 453-457 568 Index Hour, dinner, 171 Hours, calling, 37-41 for balls and dances, 247 House wedding, 133 parties, chapter on, 302 funeral, etiquette of, 495-498 Housekeeper, hired, duties of, 374-376 ^ . ^ ^ Housemaid, duties of, 376, 377 How to ratroduce, i Husband, how to introduce, 4 Important calls, 41 Impromptu invitation to dine, 164, 165 Inquiry cards, 100 Interruptions in conversation, 531 Introductions, chapter on, I Invalid's calls, 53, 54 Inviting bachelor to call, 66-71 Invitations to weddings, 112-116 to wedding receptions, 116, 117 to wedding breakfasts, 117 to wedding anniversaries, 119, 120 to formal dinners, 158-161 ^to dine, in note form, 161, 162 unceremonious, to dinners, 163, 164 to balls, 229-234 to danceS, 234, 235 to luncheons, 261-263 to breakfasts, 263 to theatre or opera party, 294. 295 to house party, 302-306 to bachelor reception, 346, 347. . „ , ^to chnstenmg, 358-360 to formal at-homes, 416-422 to children's parties, 463, 464 to musicales, 558, 559 to private theatricals, 558, 559 ^to pnvate readmgs, 558, 559 Justice of Supreme Court, how to address, 484 King of England, how to address, 485 Knife, proper use of, at table, 218 Knight, how to address, 489 ^wife of, how to address, 489 Lady's maid, duties of, 378 Leader of cotillon, duties of, 255 Leaving cards, with or without call, 93-95 Letters of introduction, 25-36 Lights at dinner party, 178, 179 Liveries for servants, 376-387 Luncheon and breakfasts, chapter on, 261 M Maid-servants, duties of, 376-378 Marchioness, how to address, 486 dowager, how to address, 487 Marquis, how to address, 486 ^daughter of, how to address, 487 younger son of, how to ad- dress, 487 Married men, calls of, 56-58 Matron's card, 84-86 of honor, duties of, 140 Mayor, how to address, 485 Men's cards, 90-92 Men-servants, duties of, 379-387 Menu for dinner party, 181-184 for luncheons, 265-267^ Mistress of servants, duties of, 368-372 Mixed Itmcheons, 270, 271 Motor tours, etiquette of, 449-453 Mourning cards, 92, 93 etiquette of, 503-505 Music at balls, 239 Musicales, chapter on, 558 N Napkin, use of, at table, 212, 213 New neighbors, calls on, 52, 53 Notes, importance of, 475 Nurse-maid, duties of, 378 Nursery etiquette, 468-470 Index 569 On being taken to call, 48-50 Opera box, etiquette in, 288, 289 Pall-bearers, 492, 493; 496, 497; 510. 511 Parlor-maid, duties of, 377 Paying calls, etiquette when, 79- 82 Pensions, etiquette in, 453-457 Placing guests at dinner party, 192-195 Position at table, 211 Post-cards, use of, 481 Posting calling cards, 106 P. P. C. cards, 104, 105; 107 Precautions when eating, 214 Precedence at dinner party, 193, 194 Preparations essential for funeral, 491, 492 President, U. S. A., how to intro- duce, 3 ^how to address by letter, 483, 484 Priest, Protestant, how to address, 490 Catholic, how to address, 490 Prince, royal, how to address, 485 Prizes at private games, 400-405 Professional woman's card, 88, 89 Programmes, at balls, 239, 240 Prompt calls, 43, 44 Proxy, cards left by, 105, 106 Public balls, etiquette of, 257, 258 entertainments, chapter on, 283 Queen of England, how to address, 485 R Railway travelers, etiquette for, 447. 448 Readmgs, private, etiquette of, „ 558 . Receiving dmner guests, 191, 192 Receptions, cards left at, 108, 109 Receptions, chapter on, 416 Refreshments served to callers, 61 ; 68, 69, 70, 71; 75-79; 82 at weddings, 133-135 at balls, 240, 241 for theatre or opera parties, 296-299 at bachelors' entertainments, 351.. 352 _ at christenings, 358; 366 at receptions, 423-425 Refusing an introduction, 17-19 Relations, how to introduce, 3 Relations-in-law, etiquette con- cerning, 520, 521 Repaying a call, 44, 45 Replies, prompt, in correspond- ence, 473.. 474 Representatives, member of House of, how to address, 484 Riding, etiquette when, 391-393 Rising from table, 226, 227 R. S. V. P., when used, 117, 118 Salt and pepper, use of, at table, 222, 223 Second marriages, etiquette of, 137. 138 Selecting wedding guests, 120-122 Self-made introductions, 23-25 Senator, how to address, 484 Servants, chapter on, 368 correspondence with, eti- quette of, 482, 483 Service at dioner party, 172-175 requisite at ball, 241, 242 at luncheon, 267 • at receptions, 424-426 Shopping, etiquette of, 406; 416 Showing wedding gifts, 124 Small and simple luncheons, 273- 275 Smoking at balls, 242 Speaking without introduction, 20-23 at theatre to stranger, 289- 291 Speech, courteous, for children, 461, 462 considerate, to children, 470- 472 Spinsters, etiquette for. chapter on, 336 Spoon, use of, at table, 214-216 570 Index Sport, etiquette of, chapter on, 388 Stationery, choice in, 475-477 Steamer etiquette, 441-445 Stranger, writing to a, 480 at club, etiquette for, 546-548 Stranger's house, calling at, 50-52 Street, etiquette in, chapter on, 406 Street-cars, etiquette in, 413, 414 Summer resorts, calls at, 42 luncheons, 271-273 Supper, for ball or dance, 240, 241 > — --after theatre or opera, 296- 299 T Table, laid for dinner party, 175- 177; 179 deportment, 211 Tactful club member, 543-545 Tea at tennis games, 402, 403 Tennis games, etiquette of, 398- 404 Theatre, etiquette in the, 285-287 Theatricals, private, 558 Third person, use of, in corre- spondence, 481 Tips, at theatre, 291, 292 at house party, 329-333 on steamship, 445-447 Titled persons, how to introduce, 6-9 Titles m correspondence, use of, 483-490 Travel, etiquette of, chapter 00. 441 U Unmarried woman's card, 86-88 Ushers, duties of, 146, 147 Valet, duties of, 384 Vice-President, U. S. A., how to address, 484 Viscount, how to address, 488 daughter of, how to address, 488 ^younger son of, how to ad- dress, 488 Viscountess, how to address, 488 W Wedding gifts, 122-124 Weddings, chapter on, 112 When to he married, 128, 129 to make introductions, 12-17 Wife, how to introduce one's, 4 Women, how to introduce, 1-3 Women's clubs, rules for, 542, 543 Widow's cards, 90 Wines, at dinners, 184, 185 Cornell University Library arV11857 Putnam's Handbook of etiqueHe 3 1924 031 449 048 olin.anx I I I I ■, 1 1* ( „i ''II I i'TWl .., ..[is