BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME OF THE SAGE ENDOWMENT FUND THE GIFT OF HENRY W. SAGE 1891 Cornell University Library PR 3694.L3 1900 The adventures of Sir Launcelot Greaves, 3 1924 013 198 811 Cornell University Library The original of tiiis bool< is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924013198811 THE ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. AND THE HISTORY AND ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. THE ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES AND THE HISTORY AND ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM BY TOBIAS SMOLLETT LONDON GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, LIMITED NEW YORK : E. P. BUTTON AND CO. Printed by Ballantyne, Hanson &• Co. at the Psllantyne Press, Edinburgh CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. PAGE Tn which certain Personages of this dfelightful History are introduced to the Reader's acquaintance ... ... ... ... ... ... i CHAPTER II. In which the Hero of these Adventures makes his First Appearance on the Stage of Action ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 8 CHAPTER III. Which the Reader, on perusal, may wish were Chapter the last ... ... i8 CHAPTER IV. In which it appears that the Knight, when heartily set in for sleeping, was not easily disturbed ,.. ... ... ... ... ... ... 32 CHAPTER V. In which this Recapitulation draws to a close ... ... ... ... 44 CHAPTER VI. In which the Reader will perceive that in some cases Madness is Catching ... 54 CHAPTER VII. In which the Knight resumes his Importance ... ... ... ... i;g CHAPTER VIII. Which is within a hair'sbreadth of proving highly interesting ... .. 68 VI CONTENTS. CHAPTER IX. PAGE Which may serve to show, that true Patriotism is of no Party ... ... 75 CHAPTER X. Which showeth that he who plays at Bowls, will sometimes meet with Rubbers 83 CHAPTER XI. Description of a Modern Magistrate ... ... ... ... ... 92 CHAPTER XII. Which shows there are more ways to kill a Dog than Hanging ... ... loi CHAPTER XIII. In which our Knight is tantalised with a transient Glimpse of Felicity ... I n CHAPTER XIV. Which shows that a man cannot always sip, when the Cup is at his Lip ... 120 CHAPTER XV. Exhibiting an Interview, which, it is to be hoped, will interest the Curiosity of the Reader ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 128 CHAPTER XVI. Which, it is to be hoped, the Reader will find an agreeable medley of Mirth and Madness, Sense and Absurdity ... ... ... ... ... 137 CHAPTER XVII. Containing Adventures of Chivalry equally new and surprising ... ... 146 CHAPTER XVIII. In which the rays of Chivalry shine with renovated Lustre ... ... ... 156 CHAPTER XIX. Containing the achievements of the Knights of the Grifiin and Crescent .. 164 CONTENTS. vii CHAPTER XX. PAGE In which our Hero descends into the Mansions of the damned ... .. 173 CHAPTER XXI. Containing further Anecdotes relating to the Children of Wretchedness ... 180 CHAPTER XXII. In which Captain Crowe is sublimed into the Regions of Astrology ... ... 189 CHAPTER XXIII. In which the Clouds that cover the Catastrophe begin to disperse ... ... 198 CHAPTER XXIV. The Knot that puzzles human Wisdom, the hand of Fortune sometimes will untie familiar as her Garter ... ... ... ... ... zo6 CHAPTER THE LAST. Which, it is to be hoped, will be, on more accounts than one, agreeable to the Reader ... ... ... ... .,< ... ... ... 217 VI CONTENTS. CHAPTER IX. PAGE Which may serve to show, that true Patriotism is of no Party ... ... 75 CHAPTER X. Which showeth that he who plays at Bowls, will sometimes meet with Rubbers 83 CHAPTER XI. Description of a Modem Magistrate ... ... ... ... ... 92 CHAPTER XIL Which shows there are more ways to kill a Dog than Hanging ... ... loi CHAPTER XIII. In which our Knight is tantalised with a transient Glimpse of Felicity ... m CHAPTER XIV. Which shows that a man cannot always sip, when the Cup is at his Lip ... 120 CHAPTER XV. Exhibiting an Interview, which, it is to be hoped, will interest the Curiosity of the Reader ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 128 CHAPTER XVI. Which, it is to be hoped, the Reader will find an agreeable medley of Mirth and Madness, Sense and Absurdity ... ... .. ... .._ j-,y CHAPTER XVII. Containing Adventures of Chivalry equally new and surprising ... ... 146 CHAPTER XVIII. In which the rays of Chivalry shine with renovated Lustre ... ... ,.. 155 CHAPTER XIX. Containing the achievements of the Knights of the Griffin and Crescent .. 164 CONTENTS. vu CHAPTER XX. PAGE In which our Hero descends into the Mansions of the damned ... .... 173 CHAPTER XXI. Containing further Anecdotes relating to the Children of Wretchedness ... l8o CHAPTER XXII. In which Captain Crowe is sublimed into the Regions of Astrology ... ... 189 CHAPTER XXIII. In which the Clouds that cover the Catastrophe begin to disperse ... ... 198 CHAPTER XXIV. The Knot that puzzles human Wisdom, the hand of Fortune sometimes will untie familiar as her Garter ... ... ... ... ... 206 CHAPTER THE LAST. Which, it is to be hoped, will be, on more accounts than one, agreeable to the Reader ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 217 THE ADVENTURES or SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. CHAPTER I. In which certain Personages of this delightful History are introduced to the Reader's acquaintance. It was on the great northern road from York to London, about the beginning of the month of October, and the hour of eight in the evening, that four travellers were, by a violent shower of rain, driven for shelter into a little public-house on the side of the highway, distinguished by a sign which was said to exhibit the figure of a black lion. The kitchen, in which they assembled, was the only room for entertainment in the house, paved with red bricks, remarkably clean, furnished with three or four Windsor chairs, adorned with shining plates of pewter, and copper sauce- pans, nicely scoured, that even dazzled the eyes of the beholder ; while a cheerful fire of sea-coal blazed in the chimney. Three of the travellers, who arrived on horseback, having seen their cattle properly accommodated in the stable, agreed to pass the time, until the weather should clear up, over a bowl of rumbo, which was accordingly prepared. But the fourth, refusing to join their company, took his station at the opposite side of the chimney, and called for a pint of two-penny, with which he indulged himself apart. At a little distance, on his left hand, A 2 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. there was another group, consisting of the landlady, a decent widow, her two daughters, the elder of whom seemed to be about the age of fifteen, and a country lad, who served both as waiter and ostler. The social triumvirate was composed of Mr. Fillet, a country practitioner in surgery and midwifery. Captain Crowe, and his nephew Mr. Thomas Clarke, an attorney. Fillet was a man of some education, and a great deal of experience, shrewd, sly, and sensible. Captain Crowe had commanded a merchant ship in the Mediterranean trade for many years, and saved some money by dint of frugality and traffic. He was an excellent seaman, brave, active, friendly in his way, and scrupulously honest ; but as little acquainted with the world as a sucking child; whimsical, im- patient, and so impetuous, that he could not help breaking in upon the conversation, whatever it might be, with repeated inter- ruptions, that seemed to burst from him by involuntary impulse. When he himself attempted to speak he never finished his period ; but made such a number of abrupt transitions, that his discourse seemed to be an unconnected series of unfinished sentences, the meaning of which it was not easy to decipher. His nephew, Tom Clarke, was a young fellow, whose goodness of heart, even the exercise of his profession had not been able to corrupt. Before strangers he never owned himself an attorney without blushing, though he had no reason to blush for his own practice, for he constantly refused to engage in the cause of any client whose character was equivocal, and was never known to act with such industry as when concerned for the widow and orphan, or any other object that sued in forma pauperis. Indeed, he was so replete with human kindness, that as often as an affect- ing story or circumstance was told in his hearing, it overflowed at his eyes. Being of a warm complexion, he was very suscep- tible of passion, and somewhat libertine in his amours. In other respects, he piqued himself on understanding the practice of the courts, and in private company he took pleasure in laying down the law ; but he was an indifferent orator, and tediously circum- stantial in his explanations. His stature was rather diminutive; but, upon the whole, he had some title to the character of a pretty, dapper, little fellow. THREE STRANGE PECULIARITIES. The solitary guest had something very forbidding in his aspect, which was contracted by an habitual frown. His eyes were small and red, and so deep set in the sockets, that each appeared like the unextinguished snuff of a farthing candle, gleaming through the horn of a dark lanthorn. His nostrils were elevated in scorn, as if his sense of smelling had been perpetually offended by some unsavoury odour ; and he looked as if he wanted to shrink within himself from the impertinence of society He wore a black periwig as straight as the pinions of a raven, and this was covered with a hat flapped, and fastened to his head by a speckled handkerchief tied under his chin. He was wrapped in a greatcoat of brown frieze, under which he seemed to conceal a small bundle. His name was Ferret, and his character dis- tinguished by three peculiarities. He was never seen to smile ; he was never heard to speak in praise of any person whatsoever ; and he was never known to give a direct answer to any question that was asked ; but seemed, on all occasions, to be actuated by the most perverse spirit of contradiction. Captain Crowe having remarked that it was squally weather, asked how far it was to the next market town ; and understand- ing that the distance was not less than six miles, said he had a good mind to come to an anchor for the night, if so be as he could have a tolerable berth in this here harbour. Mr. Fillet, perceiving by his style that he was a seafaring gentleman, observed that their landlady was not used to lodge such com- pany ; and expressed some surprise that he, who had no doubt endured so many storms and hardships at sea, should think much of travelling five or six miles a-horseback by moonlight. " For my part," said he, " I ride in all weathers, and at all hours, with- out minding cold, wet, wind, or darkness. My constitution is so case-hardened that I believe I could live all the year at Spitz- bergen. With respect to this road, I know every foot of it so exactly, that I'll engage to travel forty miles upon it blindfolded, without making one false step ; and if you have faith enough to put yourselves under my auspices, I will conduct you safe to an elegant inn, where you will meet with the best accommodation." "Thank you, brother," replied the captain, "we are much beholden to you for your courteous off^r ; but howsomever, you 4 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. must not think I mind foul weather more than my neighbours. I have worked hard aloft and alow in many a taut gale ; but this here is the case, d'ye see ; we have run down a long day's reckoning ; our beasts have had a hard spell ; and as for my own hap, brother, I doubt my bottom-planks have lost some of their sheathing, being as how I a'n't used to that kind of scrubbing." The doctor, who had practised aboard a man-of-war in his youth, and was perfectly well acquainted with the captain's dialect, assured him that if his bottom was damaged he would new pay it with an excellent salve, which he always carried about him to guard against such accidents on the road. But Tom Clarke, who seemed to have cast the eyes of affection upon the landlady's eldest daughter, Dolly, objected to their proceeding further without rest and refreshment, as they had already travelled fifty miles since morning ; and he was sure his uncle must be fatigued both in mind and body, from vexation, as well as from hard exercise, to which he had not been accustomed. Fillet then desisted, saying, he was sorry to find the captain had any cause of vexation ; but he hoped it was not an incurable evil. This expression was accompanied with a look of curiosity, which Mr. Clarke was glad of an occasion to gratify ; for, as we have hinted above, he was a very communicative gentleman, and the affair which now lay upon his stomach interested him nearly." " ni assure you, sir," said he, " this here gentleman. Captain Crowe, who is my mother's own brother, has been cruelly used by some of his relations. He bears as good a character as any captain of a ship on the Royal Exchange, and has undergone a variety of hardships at sea. What d'ye think, now, of his bursting all his sinews, and making his eyes start out of his head, in pulling his ship off a rock, whereby he saved to his owners — " Here he was interrupted by the captain, who exclaimed, "Belay, Tom, belay; pr'ythee, don't veer out such a deal of jaw. Clap a stopper on thy cable and bring thyself up, my lad — what a deal of stuff thou hast pumped up concerning bursting and starting, and pulling ships ; Laud have mercy upon us ! — ^look ye here, brother — look ye here — mind these poor crippled joints ; two fingers on the starboard, and three on the larboard hand ; crooked, d'ye see, like the knees of a bilander. I'll tell you A DISPUTE ON A POINT OF LAW. what, brother, you seem to be a — ship deep laden — rich cargo — current setting into the bay — hard gale — lee shore — all hands in the boat — tow round the head-land — self pulling for dear blood, against the whole crew — snap go the finger-braces — crack went the eye-blocks. Bounce day-light — flash star-light — down I foundered, dark as hell — whiz went my ears, and my head spun like a whirligig. That don't signify — I'm a Yorkshire boy, as the saying is — all my life at sea, brother, by reason of an old grandmother and maiden aunt, a couple of old stinking — kept me these forty years out of my grandfather's estate. Hearing as how they had taken their departure, came ashore, hired horses, and clapped on all my canvas, steering to the northward, to take possession of my — But it don't signify talking — these two old piratical — had held a palaver with a lawyer — an attorney, Tom, d'ye mind me, an attorney — and by his assistance hove me out of my inheritance. That is all, brother — hove me out of five hundred pounds a-year — that's all — ^what signifies — but such windfalls we don't every day pick up along shore. Fill about, brother — ^yes, by the L — d ! those two smuggling harridans, with the assistance of an attorney — an attorney, Tom — hove me out of five hundred a-year." — " Yes, indeed, sir," added Mr. Clarke, " those two malicious old women docked the intail, and left the estate to an alien." Here Mr. Ferret thought proper to intermingle in the conver- sation with a "pish, what, dost talk of docking the intail ? Dost not know that by the statute of Westm. 2. 13 Ed. the will and intention of the donor must be fulfilled, and the tenant in tail shall not alien after issue had, or before." — " Give me leave, sir," replied Tom, " I presume you are a practitioner in the law. Now, you know, that in the case of a contingent remainder, the intail may be destroyed by levying a fine, and suffering a re- covery, or otherwise destroying the particular estate, before the contingency happens. If feoffees, who possess an estate only during the life of a son, where divers remainders are limited over, \a.2k&z. feoffment in fee to him, by \}[i& feoffment zS\. the future remainders are destroyed. Indeed, a person in remainder may have a writ of intrusion, if any do intrude after the death of a tenant for life, and the writ ex gravi querela lies to execute a 6 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. devise in remainder after the death of a tenant in tail without issue." — " Spoke like a true disciple of Geber," cries Ferret. '' No, sir," replied Mr. Clarke, " Counsellor Caper is in the con- veyancing way — I was clerk to Sergeant Croker." — "Ay, now you may set up for yourself," resumed the other ; " for you can prate as unintelligibly as the best of them." " Perhaps," said Tom, " I do not make myself understood ; if so be as how that is the case, let us change the position, and suppose that this here case is a tail after a possibility of issue ex- tinct. If a tenant in tail after a possibility make a feoffment of his land, he in reversion may enter for the forfeiture. Then we must make a distinction between general tail and special tail. It is the word body that makes the intail : there must be a body in the tail, devised to heirs male or female, otherwise it is a fee- simple, because it is not limited of what body. Thus a corpora- tion cannot be seized in tail. For example, here is a young woman — ^What is your name, my dear ? " — " Dolly," answered the daughter, with a curtsey. " Here's Dolly — I seize Dolly in tail — Dolly, I seize you in tail" — " Sha't then," cried Dolly, pouting. " I am seized of land in fee — I settle on Dolly in tail." Dolly, who did not comprehend the nature of the illustration, understood him in a literal sense, and, in a whimpering tone, exclaimed, " Sha't then, I tell thee, cursed tuoad ! " Tom, how- ever, was so transported with his subject, that he took no notice of poor Dolly's mistake, but proceeded in his harangue upon the different kinds of tails, remainders, and seisins, when he was in- terrupted by a noise that alarmed the whole company. The rain had been succeeded by a storm of wind that howled around the house with the most savage impetuosity, and the heavens were overcast in such a manner that not one star appeared, so that all without was darkness and uproar. This aggravated the horror of divers loud screams, which even the noise of the blast could not exclude from the ears of our astonished travellers. Captain Crowe called out, " Avast, avast ! " Tom Clarke sat silent, staring wildly, with his mouth still open ; the surgeon himself seemed startled, and Ferret's countenance betrayed evident marks of confusion. The ostler moved nearer the chimney, and the SIGNALS OF DISTRESS ARE HEARD. good woman of the house, with her two daughters, crept closer to the company. After some pause, the captain starting up, " These," said he, '' be signals of distress. Some poor souls in danger of founder- ing — ^let us bear up a-head, and see if we can give them any assistance." The landlady begged him, for Christ's sake, not to think of going out, for it was a spirit that would lead him astray into fens and rivers, and certainly do him a mischief. Crowe seemed to be staggered by this remonstrance, which his nephew reinforced, observing, that it might be a stratagem of rogues to decoy them into the fields, that they might rob them under the cloud of night. Thus exhorted, he resumed his seat, and Mr. Ferret began to make very severe strictures upon the folly and fear of those who believed and trembled at the visitation of spirits, ghosts, and goblins. He said he would engage with twelve pennyworth of phosphorus to frighten a whole parish out of their senses ; then he expatiated on the pusillanimity of the nation in general, ridiculed the militia, censured the government, and dropped some hints about a change of hands, which the captain could not, and the doctor would not, compre- hend. Tom Clarke, from the freedom of his discourse, concluded he was a ministerial spy, and communicated his opinion to his uncle in a whisper, while this misanthrope continued to pour forth his invectives with a fluency peculiar to himself. The truth is, Mr. Ferret had been a party writer, not from principle, but employ- ment, and had felt the rod of power, in order to avoid a second exertion of which, he now found it convenient to skulk about in the country, for he had received intimation of a warrant from the secretary of state, who wanted to be better acquainted with his person. Notwithstanding the ticklish nature of his situation, it was become so habitual to him to think and speak in a certain manner, that even before strangers whose principles and connec- tions he could not possibly know, he hardly ever opened his mouth, without uttering some direct or implied sarcasm against the government. He had already proceeded a considerable way in demonstrating, that the nation was bankrupt and beggared, and that those who 8 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. Stood at the helm were steering full into the gulf of inevitable destruction, when his lecture was suddenly suspended by a violent knocking at the door, which threatened the whole house with inevitable demolition. Captain Crowe, believing they should be instantly boarded, unsheathed his hanger, and stood in a posture of defence. Mr. Fillet armed himself with the poker, which happened to be red hot ; the ostler pulled down a rusty firelock, that hung by the roof, over a flitch of bacon. Tom Clarke, perceiving the landlady and her children distracted with terror, conducted them, out of mere compassion, below stairs into the cellar, and as for Mr. Ferret, he prudently withdrew into an adjoining pantry. But as a personage of great importance in this entertaining history was forced to remain some time at the door before he could gain admittance, so must the reader wait with patience for the next chapter, in which he will see the cause of this disturb- ance explained, much to his comfort and edification. CHAPTER II. In which the Hero of these Adventures makes his First Appearance on the Stage of Action. The outward door of the Black Lion had already sustained two dreadful shocks, but at the third it flew open, and in stalked an apparition that smote the hearts of our travellers with fear and trepidation. It was the figure of a man armed cap-a-pie, bearing on his shoulders a bundle dropping with water, which afterwards appeared to be the body of a man that seemed to have been drowned, and fished up from the bottom of the neighbouring river. Having deposited his burden carefully on the floor, he ad- dressed himself to the company in these word : " Be not surprised, good people, at this unusual appearance, which I shall take an opportunity to explain, and forgive the rude and boisterous manner in which 1 have demanded, and indeed forced admittance ; THE HALF-DROWNED SQUIRE BROUGHT IN. 9 the violence of my intrusion was the effect of necessity. In crossing the river, my squire and his horse were swept away by the stream, and, with some difficulty, I have been able to drag him ashore, though I am afraid my assistance reached him too late, for since I brought him to land he has given no signs of life." Here he was interrupted by a groan, which issued from the chest of the squire, and terrified the spectators as much as it comforted the master. After some recollection, Mr. Fillet began to undress the body, which was laid in a blanket on the floor, and rolled from side to side by his direction. A considerable quantity of water being discharged from the mouth of this unfortunate squire, he uttered a hideous roar, and, opening his eyes, stared wildly around. Then the surgeon undertook for his recovery ; and his master went forth with the ostler in quest of the horses, which he had left by the side of the river. His back was no sooner turned, than Ferret, who had been peeping from behind the pantry-door, ventured to rejoin the company ; pronouncing with a smile, or rather grin of contempt, " Hey-day : what precious mummery is this ? What, are we to have the farce of Hamlet's ghost ? " — " Adzooks," cried the captain, " my kinsman Tom has dropped a-stern — hope in God a-has not bulged to, and gone to bottom." — " Pish," exclaimed the misanthrope, " there's no danger ; the young lawyer is only seizing Dolly in tail." Certain it is, Dolly squeaked at that instant in the cellar ; and Clarke appearing soon after in some confusion, declared she had been frightened by a flash of lightning. But this assertion was not confirmed by the young lady herself, who eyed him with a sullen regard, indicating displeasure, though not indifference ; and when questioned by her mother, replied, " A doan't maind what a-says, so a doan't, vor all his goalden jacket, then." In the meantime the surgeon had performed the operation of phlebotomy on the squire, who was lifted into a chair, and sup- ported by the landlady for that purpose ; but he had not as yet given any sign of having retrieved the use of his senses. And here Mr. Fillet could not help contemplating, with surprise, the strange figure and accoutrements of his patient, who seemed in age to be turned of fifty. His stature was below the middle 10 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. size; he was thick, squat, and brawny, with a small protuber- ance on one shoulder, and a prominent belly, which, in conse- quence of the water he had swallowed, now strutted beyond its usual dimensions. His forehead was remarkably convex, and so. very low, that his black bushy hair descended within an inch of his nose; but this did not conceal the wrinkles of his front, which were manifold. His small glimmering eyes resembled those of the Hampshire porker, that turns up the soil with his projecting snout. His cheeks were shrivelled and puckered at the corners, like the seams of a regimental coat as it comes from the hands of the contractor. His nose bore a strong analogy in shape to a tennis-ball, and in colour to a mulberry ; for all the water of the river had not been able to quench the natural fire of that feature. His upper jaw was furnished with two long white sharp-pointed teeth or fangs, such as the reader may have observed in the chaps of a wolf, or full-grown mastiff, and an ana- tomist would describe as a preternatural elongation of the denies canini. His chin was so long, so peaked, and incurvated, as to form in profile, with his impending forehead, the exact resemblance of a moon in the first quarter. With respect to his equipage, he had a leathern cap upon his head, faced like those worn by marines, and exhibiting in embroidery the figure of a crescent. Plis coat was of white cloth, faced with black, and cut in a very antique fashion ; and, in lieu of a Waistcoat, he wore a buff jerkin. His feet were cased with loose buskins, which, though they rose almost to his knee, could not hide that curvature, known by the appellation of bandy legs. A large string of bandaliers garnished a broad belt that graced his shoulders, from whence depended an instrument of war, which was something between a back-sword and a cutlass ; and a case of pistols were stuck in his girdle. Such was the figure which the whole company now surveyed with admiration. After same pause, he seemed to recover his recollection. He rolled about his eyes around, and, attentively surveying every individual, exclaimed, in a strange tone, " Bodi- kins I Where's Gilbert ? " This interrogation did not savour much of sanity, especially when accompanied with a wild stare, which is generally interpreted as a sure sign of a disturbed THE SQUIRE TALKS BOLDLV. II understanding. Nevertheless, the surgeon endeavoured to assist his recollection. " Come," said he, " have a good heart. How dost do, friend ? " — " Do ! " replied the squire, " do as well as I can. That's a lie too ; I might have done better. 1 had no business to be here." — "You ought to thank God and your master," resumed the surgeon, " for the providential escape you have had." — " Thank my master ! " cried the squire, " thank the devil ! Go and teach your grannum to crack filberds. I know who I'm bound to pray for, and who I ought to curse the longest day I have to live." Here the Captain interposing, "Nay, brother," said he, "you are bound to pray for this here gentleman as your sheet-anchor ; for, if so be as he had not cleared your stowage of the water you had taken in at your upper works, and lightened your veins, d'ye see, by taking away some of your blood, adad ! you had driven before the gale, and never been brought up in this world again, d'ye see." — "What, then you would persuade me," replied the patient, " that the only way to save my life was to shed my precious blood ? Look ye, friend, it shall not be lost blood to me. I take you all to witness, that there surgeon, or apothecary, or farrier, or dog-doctor, or whatsoever he may be, has robbed me of the balsam of life. He has not left so much blood in my body as would fatten a starved flea. Oh ! that there was a lawyer here to serve him with a siserari." Then fixing his eyes upon Ferret, he proceeded : " An't j'ou a limb of the law, friend ? No, I cry you mercy, you look more like a showman or a conjurer." — Ferret, nettled at this address, answered, " It would be well for you, that I could conjure a little common sense into that numskull of yours." — " If I want that commodity," rejoined the squire, " I must go to another market, I trow. You legerdemain men be more like to conjure the money from our pockets than sense into our skulls. Vor my own part, I was once cheated of vorty good shillings by one of your broother cups and balls." In all probability he would have descended to particulars, had he not been seized with a return of his nausea, which obliged him to call for a bumper of brandy. This remedy being swallowed, the tumult in his stomach subsided. He desired he might be put to bed without delay, and that half a 12 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. dozen eggs and a pound of bacon might, in a couple of hours, be dressed for his supper. He was accordingly led off the scene by the landlady and her daughter; and Mr. Ferret had just time to observe the fellow was a composition, in which he did not know whether knave or fool most predominated, when the master returned from the stable. He had taken off his helmet, and now displayed a very engaging countenance. His age did not seem to exceed thirty. He was tall, and seemingly robust ; his face long and oval, his nose acquiline, his mouth furnished with a set of elegant teeth, white as the drifted snow, his complexion clear, and his aspect noble. His chestnut hair loosely flowed in short natural curls ; and his gray eyes shone with such vivacity, as plainly showed that his reason was a little discomposed. Such an appearance prepossessed the greater part of the company in his favour. He bowed round with the most polite and affable 'address ; inquired about his squire, and, being informed of the pains Mr. Fillet had taken for his recovery, insisted upon that gentleman's accepting a handsome gratuity. Then, in consideration of the cold bath he had undergone, he was prevailed upon to take the post of honour ; namely, the great chair fronting the fire, which was reinforced with a billet of wood for his comfort and convenience. Perceiving his fellow-travellers, either overawed into silence by his presence, or struck dumb with admiration at his equipage, he accosted them in these words, while an agreeable smile dimpled on his cheek. " The good company wonders, no doubt, to see a man cased in armour, such as hath been for above a whole century disused in this and every other country of Europe; and perhaps they will be still more surprised, when they hear that man profess himself a noviciate of that military order, which hath of old been distinguished in Great Britain, as well as through all Christendom, by the name of knights-errant. Yes, gentlemen, in that painful and thorny path of toil and danger I have begun my career, a can- didate for honest fame ; determined, as far as in me lies, to honour and assert the efforts of virtue ; to combat vice in all her forms, redress injuries, chastise oppression, protect the helpless and for- lorn, relieve the indigent, exert my best endeavours in the cause THE STRANGER DEFENDS HIMSELF. 13 of innocence and beauty, and dedicate my talents, such as they are, to the service of my country." " What ! " said Ferret, " you set up for a modern Don Quixote ? The scheme is rather too stale and extravagant. What was a humorous romance and well-time satire in Spain near two hundred years ago, will make but a sorry jest, and appear equally insipid and absurd, when really acted from affectation, at this time of day, in a country like England." The knight, eyeing this censor with a look of disdain, replied, in a solemn lofty tone, " He that from affectation imitates the extravagances recorded of Don Quixote, is an impostor equally wicked and contemptible. He that counterfeits madness, unless he dissembles, like the elder Brutus, for some virtuous purpose, not only debases his own soul, but acts as a traitor to Heaven, by denying the divinity that is within him. I am neither an affected imitator of Don Quixote, nor, as I trust in Heaven, visited by that spirit of lunacy so admirably displayed in the fictitious character exhibited by the inimitable Cervantes. I have not yet encountered a windmill for a giant, nor mistaken this public-house for a magnificent castle ; neither do I believe this gentleman to be the constable ; nor that worthy practitioner to be Master Elizabat, the surgeon recorded in Amadis de Gaul ; nor you to be the enchanter Alquife, nor any other sage of history or romance ; I see and distinguish objects as they are discerned and described by other men. I reason without prejudice, can endure contradiction, and, as the company perceives, even bear impertinent censure without passion or resentment. I quarrel with none but the foes of virtue and decorum, against whom I have declared perpetual war, and them I will everywhere attack as the natural enemies of mankind." " But that war," said the cynic, " may soon be brought to a conclusion, and your adventures close in Bridewell, provided you meet with some determined constable, who will seize your wor- ship as a vagrant, according to the statute." — " Heaven and earth ! " ciied the stranger, starting up, and laying his hand on his sword, " do I live to hear myself insulted with such an oppro- brious epithet, and refrain from trampling into dust the insolent calumniator ? " 14 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. The tone in which these words were pronounced, and the indignation that flashed from the eyes of the speaker, intimidated every individual of the society, and reduced Ferret to a temporary privation of all his faculties. His eyes retired within their sockets ; his complexion, which was naturally of a copper hue, now shifted to a leaden colour ; his teeth began to chatter ; and all his limbs were agitated by a sudden palsy. The knight observed his condition, and resumed his seat, saying, " I was to blame ; my vengeance must be reserved for very different objects. Friend, you have nothing to fear — the sudden gust of passion is now blown over. Recollect yourself, and I will reason calmly on the observation you have made." This was a very seasonable declaration to Mr. Ferret, who opened his eyes, and wiped his forehead, while the other pro- ceeded in these terms : " You say I am in danger of being apprehended as a vagrant. I am not so ignorant of the laws of my country, but that I know the description of those who fall within the legal meaning of this odious term. You must give me leave to inform you, friend, that I am neither bearward, fencer, stroller, gipsy, mountebank, nor mendicant ; nor do I practise subtle craft, to deceive and impose upon the king's lieges ; nor can I be held as an idle disorderly person, travelling from place to place, collecting monies by virtue of counterfeited passes, briefs, and other false pretences ; in what respect, there- fore, am I to be deemed a vagrant ? Answer boldly, without fear or scruple." To this interrogation the misanthrope replied, with a faltering accent, " If not a vagrant, you incur the penalty for riding armed in affray of the peace." — " But, instead of riding armed in affray of the peace," resumed the other, " I ride in preservation of the peace ; and gentlemen are allowed by the law to wear armour for their defence. Some ride with blunderbusses, some with pistols, some with swords, according to their various inclinations. Mine is to wear the armour of my forefathers. Perhaps I use them for exercise, in order to accustom myself to fatigue, and strengthen my constitution ; perhaps I assume them for a frolic." " But if you swagger, armed and in disguise, assault me on the highway, or put me in bodily fear for the sake of the jest. FERRET AND THE STRANGER DISPUTE. iS the law will punish you in earnest," cried the other. " But my intention," answered the knight, "is carefully to avoid all those occasions of offence." — "Then," said Ferret, "you may go unarmed, like other sober people." — " Not so," answered the knight ; " as I propose to travel all times, and in all places, mine armour may guard me against the attempts of treachery ; it may defend me in combat against odds, should I be assaulted by a multitude, or have occasion to bring malefactors to justice." " What, then," exclaimed the philosopher, " you intend to co-operate with the honourable fraternity of thief-takers ? " — " I do purpose," said the youth, eyeing him with a look of ineffable contempt, "to act as a coadjutor to the law, and even to remedy evils which the law cannot reach ; to detect fraud and treason, abase insolence, mortify pride, discourage slander, dis- grace immodesty, and stigmatise ingratitude, but the infamous part of a thief-catcher's character I disclaim. I neither associate with robbers and pickpockets, knowing them to be such, that in being intrusted with their secrets, I may the more effectually betray them ; nor shall I ever pocket the reward granted by the legislature to those by whom robbers are brought to conviction ; but I shall always think it my duty to rid my country of that pernicious vermin, which prey upon the bowels of the common- wealth — not but that an incorporated company of licensed thieves might, under proper regulations, be of service to the community." Ferret, emboldened by the passive tameness with which the stranger bore his last reflection, began to think he had nothing of Hector but his outside, and gave a loose to all the acrimony of his party rancour. Hearing the knight mention a company of licensed thieves, " What else," cried he, " is the majority of the nation ? What is your standing army at home, that eat up their fellow-subjects ? What are your mercenaries abroad, whom you hire to fight their own quarrels ? What is your militia, that wise measure of a sagacious ministry, but a larger gang of petty thieves, who steal sheep and poultry through mere idleness ; and were they confronted with an enemy, would steal themselves away ? What is your but a knot of thieves, who pillage the nation under colour of law, and enrich themselves with the wreck of their country ? When you consider the 1 6 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. enormous debt of above a hundred millions, the intolerable load of taxes and impositions under which we groan, and the manner in which that burden is yearly accumulating, to support two German electorates, without our receiving anything in return, but the shows of triumph and shadows of conquest ; — I say, when you reflect on these circumstances, and at the same time behold our cities filled with bankrupts, and our country with beggars, can you be so infatuated as to deny that the ministry is mad, or worse than mad — our wealth exhausted, our people miserable, our credit blasted, and our state on the brink of perdition ? This prospect, indeed, will make the fainter impres- sion, if we recollect that we ourselves are a pack of such pro- fligate, corrupted, pusillanimous rascals, as deserve no salvation." The stranger raising his voice to a loud tone, replied, " Such indeed, are the insinuations, equally false and insidious, with which the desperate emissaries of a party endeavour to poison the minds of his Majesty's subjects, in defiance of common honesty and common sense. But he must be bhnd to all per- ception, and dead to candour, who does not see and own that we are involved in a just and necessary war, which has been main-' tained on truly British principles, prosecuted with vigour, and crowned with success ; that our taxes are easy in proportion to our wealth ; that our conquests are equally glorious and important ; that our commerce flourishes, our people are happy, and our enemies reduced to despair. Is there a man who boasts a British heart, that repines at the success and prosperity of his country ? Such there are (Oh, shame to patriotism, and reproach to Great Britain 1) who act as the emissaries of France, both in word and writing; who exaggerate our necessary burdens, magnify our dangers, extol the power of our enemies, deride our victories, extenuate our conquests, condemn the measures of our government, and scatter the seeds of dissatisfaction through the land. Such domestic traitors are doubly the objects of detesta- tion ; — first in perverting truth ; and, secondly, in propagating falsehood, to the prejudice of that community of which they have professed themselves members. One of these is well known by the name of Ferret, an old, rancorous, incorrigible instrument of sedition. Happy it is for him that he has never fallen in my way ; FILLET ENCOURAGES THE STRANGER. 1/ for, notwithstanding the maxims of forbearance which I have adopted, the indignation which the character of that caitiff inspires would probably impel me to some act of violence, and I should crush him like an ungrateful viper, that gnawed the bosom which warmed it into life ! " These last words were pi'onounced with a wildness of look, that even bordered upon frenzy. The misanthrope once more retired to the pantry for shelter, and the rest of the guests were evidently disconcerted. Mr. Fillet, in order to change the conversation, which was likely to produce serious consequences, expressed uncommon satisfaction at the remarks which the knight had made, signified his approbation of the honourable office he had undertaken, declared himself happy in having seen such an accomplished cavalier, and observed, that nothing was wanting to render him a complete knight-errant, but some celebrated beauty, the mistress of his heart, whose idea might animate his breast, and strengthen his arm to the utmost exertion of valour. He added, that love was the soul of chivalry. The stranger started at this discourse. He turned his eyes on the surgeon with a fixed regard ; his countenance changed ; a torrent of tears gushed down his cheeks ; his head sunk upon his bosom ; he heaved a profound sigh, and remained in silence with all the external marks of unutterable sorrow. The company were, in some measure, infe'cted by his despondence, concerning the cause of which, however, they would not venture to inquire. By this time the landlady, having disposed of the squire, desired to know, with many curtsies, if his honour would not choose to put off his wet garments, assuring him, that she had a very good feather-bed at his service, upon which many gentle- folks of the virst quality had lain, that the sheets were well aired, and that Dolly would warm them for his worship with a pan of coals. This hospitable offer being repeated, he seemed to wake from a trance of grief, arose from his seat, and bowing courte- ously to the company, withdrew. Captain Crowe whose faculty of speech had been all this time absorbed in amazement, now broke into the conversation with a volley of interjections. " Split my snatchblock ! — Odd's firkin ! — B 1 8 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. Splice my old shoes ! — I have sailed the salt seas, brother, since I was no higher than the Triton's taffrel — east, west, north, and south, as the saying is — Blacks, Indians, Moors, Morattos, and Seapoys ; — but, smite my timbers ! such a man of war — " Here he was interrupted by his nephew Tom Clarke, who had disappeared at the knight's first entrance, and now produced himself with an eagerness in his look, while the tears started in eyes. — " Lord bless my soul ! " cried he, " I know that gentleman and his servant, as well as I know my own father ! — I am his own godson, uncle ; he stood for me when he was a boy — yes, indeed, sir, my father was steward to the estate — I may say I was bred up in the family of Sir Everard Greaves, who has been dead these two years — this is the only son. Sir Launcelot ; the best natured, worthy, generous gentleman — I care not who knows it. I love him as well as if he was my own flesh and blood— " At this period, Tom, whose heart was of the melting mood, began to sob and weep plenteously, from pure affection. Crowe, who was not very subject to these tendernesses, d — ed him for a chicken-hearted lubber ; repeating with much peevishness, " What dost cry for ? what dost cry for, noddy ? " The surgeon impatient to know the story of Sir Launcelot, which he had heard imperfectly recounted, begged that Mr. Clarke would compose himself, and relate it as circumstantially as his memory would retain the particulars ; and Tom, wiping his eyes, promised to give him that satisfaction ; which the reader, if he be so minded, may partake in the next chapter. CHAPTER in. Which the Reader, on perusal, may wish were Chapter the last. The doctor prescribed a repetatur of the julep, and mixed the ingredients, secundum artem; Tom Clarke hemmed thrice to clear his pipes ; while the rest of the company, including Dolly and her mother, who had by this time administered to the knight. THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. ig composed themselves into earnest and hushed attention. Then the young lawyer began his narrative to this effect : — " I tell ye what, gemmen, I don't pretend in this here case to flourish and harangue like a — having never been called to — but what of that, d'ye see ? perhaps I may know as much as — facts are facts, as the saying is. — I shall tell, repeat and relate a plain story — matters of fact, d'ye see, without rhetoric, oratory, orna- ment, or embellishment ; without repetition, tautology, circumlo- cution, or going about the bush ; facts which I shall aver, partly on the testimony of my own knowledge, and partly from the information of responsible evidences of good repute and credit, any circumstance known to the contrary notwithstanding. — For as the law saith, if so be as how there is an exception to evidence, that exception is in its nature but a denial of what is taken to be good by the other party, and exceptio in non exceptis, firmat regulam, dy'e see. — But howsomever, in regard to this here affair, we need not be so scrupulous as if we were pleading before a judge sedente curia — " Ferret, whose curiosity was rather more eager than that of any other person in this audience, being provoked by this preamble, dashed the pipe he had just filled in pieces against the grate ; and after having pronounced the interjection pish I with an acrimony of aspect altogether peculiar to himself, " If," said he, " imper- tinence and folly were felony by the statute, there would be no want of unexceptionable evidence to hang such an eternal bab- bler." — " Anan, babbler ! " cried Tom, reddening with passion, and starting up ; " I'd have you to know, sir, that I can bite as well as babble ; and that, if I am so minded, I can run upon the foot after my game without being in fault, as the saying is ; and, which is more, I can shake an old fox by the collar." How far this young lawyer might have proceeded to prove himself staunch on the person of the misanthrope, if he had not been prevented, we shall not determine ; but the whole company were alarmed at his looks and expressions. Dolly's rosy cheeks assumed an ash-colour, while she ran between the disputants, crying, " Naay, naay — vor the love of God doan't then, doan't then ! " But Captain Crowe exerted a parental authority over his nephew, saying, " Avast, Tom, avast ! — Snug's the word — ■ 20 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. we'll have no boarding, d'ye see. — Haul forward thy chair again, take thy berth, and proceed with thy story in a direct course, without yawning like a Dutch yanky." Tom, thus tutored, recollected himself, resumed his seat, and, after some pause, plunged at once into the current of narration. " I told you before, gemmen, that the gentleman in armour was the only son of Sir Everard Greaves, who possessed a free estate of five thousand a year in our country, and was respected by all his neighbours as much for his personal merit as for his family fortune. With respect to his son Launcelot, whom you have seen, I can remember nothing until he returned from the university, about the age of seventeen, and then I myself was not more than ten years old. The young gemmen was at that time in mourning for his mother; though God knows. Sir Everard had more cause to rejoice than to be afflicted at her death : for, among friends (here he lowered his voice, and looked round the kitchen), she was very whimsical, expensive, ill-tempered, and, I'm afraid a little — upon the — flightly order — a little touched or so ; — but mum for that — the lady is now dead ; and it is my maxim, de mortuis nil nisi bonum. The young squire was even then very handsome, and looked remarkably well in his weepers ; but he had an awkward air and shambling gait, stooped mortally, and was so shy and silent that he would not look a stranger in the face, nor open his mouth before company. Whenever he spied a horse or carriage at the gate, he would make his escape into the garden, and from thence into the park ; where many is the good time and often he has been foimd sitting under a tree, with a book in his hand, reading Greek, Latin, and other foreign linguas. "Sir Everard himself was no great scholar, and my father had forgot his classical learning ; and so the rector of the parish was desired to examine young Launcelot. It was a long time before he found an opportunity ; the squire always gave him the slip. At length the parson catched him in bed of a morning, and, locking the door, to it they went tooth and nail. What passed betwixt them the Lord in heaven knows ; but when the doctor came forth, he looked wild and haggard as if he had seen a ghost, his face as white as paper, and his lips trembling like an THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT, 21 aspen-leaf. ' Parson/ said the knight, ' what is the matter ? — how dost iind my son ? I hope he won't turn out a ninny, and disgrace his family ? ' The doctor, wiping the sweat from his forehead, replied, with some hesitation, ' he could not tell — he hoped the best — the squire was to be sure a very extraordinary young gentleman.' But the father urging him to give an explicit answer, he frankly declared, that, in his opinion, the son would turn out either a mirror of wisdom, or a monument of folly ; for his genius and disposition were altogether preternatural. The knight was sorely vexed at this declaration, and signified his dis- pleasure, by saying, the doctor, like a true priest, dealt in mys- teries and oracles, that would admit of different and indeed contrary interpretations. He afterwards consulted my father, who had served as a steward upon the estate for above thirty years, and acquired a considerable share of his favour. ' Will Clarke,' said he, with tears in his eyes, ' what shall I do with this unfortunate lad ? I would to God he had never been born ; for I fear he will bring my grey hairs with sorrow to the grave. When I am gone he will throw away the estate, and bring him- self to infamy and ruin, by keeping company with rooks and beggars. O Will 1 I could forgive extravagance in a young man ; but it breaks my heart to see my only son give such repeated proofs of a mean spirit and sordid disposition ! ' " Here the old gentleman shed a flood of tears, and not with- out some shadow of reason. By this time Launcelot was grown so reserved to his father, that he seldom saw him or any of his relations, except when he was in a manner forced to appear at table, and there his bashfulness seemed every day to increase. On the other hand, he had formed some very strange connections. Every morning he visited the stable, where he not only conversed with the grooms and helpers, but scraped acquaintance with the horses : he fed his favourites with his own hand, stroked, caressed, and rode them by turns ; till at last they grew so familiar, that, even when they were a-field at grass, and saw him at a distance, they would toss their manes, whinny like so many colts at sight of the dam, and galloping up to the place where he stood, smell him all over. " You must know that I myself, though a child, was his com- 22 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. panion in all these excursions. He took a liking to me on account of my being his godson, and gave me more money than I knew what to do with. He had always plenty of cash for the asking, as my father was ordered to supply him liberally, the knight thinking that a command of money might help to raise his thoughts to a proper consideration of his own importance. He never could endure a common beggar, that was not either in a state of infancy or of old age ; but in other respects, he made the guineas fly in such a manner, as looked more like madness than generosity. He had no communication with your rich yeomen, but rather treated them and their families with studied contempt, because forsooth they pretended to assume the dress and manners of the gentry. " They kept their footmen, their saddle horses, and chaises : their wives and daughters appeared in their jewels, their silks, and their satins, their negligees and trollopees : their clumsy shanks, like so many shins of beef, were cased in silk hose and embroidered slippers : their raw red fingers, gross as the pipes of a chamber organ, which had been employed in milking the cows, in twirling the mop or churn-stafF, being adorned with diamonds, were taught to thrum the pandola, and even to touch the keys of the harpsichord ! Nay, in every village they kept a rout, and set up an assembly ; and in one place a hog-butcher was master of the ceremonies. " I have heard Mr. Greaves ridicule them for their vanity and awkward imitation ; and therefore, I believe, he avoided all con- cerns with them, even when they endeavoured to engage his attention. It was the lower sort of people with whom he chiefly conversed, such as ploiighmen, ditchers, and other day-labourers. To every cottager in the parish he was a bounteous benefactor. He was, in the literal sense of the word, a careful overseer of the poor; for he went from house to house, industriously in- quiring into the distresses of the people. He repaired their huts, clothed their backs, filled their bellies, and supplied them with necessaries for exercising their industry and different occupations. " I'll give you one instance now, as a specimen of his character : — He and I, strolling one day on the side of a common, saw two boys picking hips and haws from the hedges ; one seemed to be THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 23 about five, and the other a year older ; they were both barefoot and ragged, but at the same time fat, fair, and in good condition. ' Who do you belong to ? ' said Mr Greaves. ' To Mary Stile,' replied the oldest, ' the widow that rents one of them housen.' ' And how dost live, my boy ? Thou lookest fresh and jolly,' resumed the squire. * Lived well enough till yesterday,' answered the child. ' And pray what happened yesterday, my boy ? ' con- tinued Mr. Greaves. ' Happened ! ' said he, ' why mammy had a coople of little Welsh keawes, that gi'en milk enough to fill all our bellies ; mammy's, and mine, and Dick's here, and my two little sisters' at hoam ; — Yesterday the squire seized the keawes for rent, God rot'un ! Mammy's gone to bed sick and sulky ; my two sisters be crying at hoam vor vood ; and Dick and I be come hither to pick haws and bullies.' " My godfather's face grew red as scarlet ; he took one of the children in either hand, and leading them towards the house, found Sir Everard talking with my father before the gate. In- stead of avoiding the old gentleman, as usual, he brushed up to him with a spirit he had never shown before, and presenting the two ragged boys, ' Surely, sir,' said he, ' you will not counte- nance that there ruffian, your steward, in oppressing the widow and fatherless? On pretence of distraining for the rent of a cottage, he has robbed the mother of these and other poor infant- orphans of two cows, which afforded them their whole susten- ance. Shall you be concerned in tearing the hard-earned morsel from the mouth of indigence ? Shall your name, which has been so long mentioned as a blessing, be now detested as a curse by the poor, the helpless and forlorn ? The father of these babes was once your gamekeeper who died of a consumption caught in your service. — ^You see they are almost naked — I found them plucking haws and sloes, in order to appease their hunger. The wretched mother is starving in a cold cottage, distracted with the cries of other two infants clamorous for food ; and while her heart is bursting with anguish and despair, she invokes Heaven to avenge the widow's cause upon the head of her unrelenting landlord ! " " This unexpected address brought tears into the eyes of the good old gentleman. ' Will Clarke,' said he to my father, ' how durst you abuse my authority at this rate ? You who know I 24 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. have always been a protector, not an oppressor of the needy and unfortunate, I charge you, go immediately and comfort this poor woman with immediate reUef j instead of her own cows, let her have two of the best milch cows of my dairy ; they shall graze in my parks in summer, and be foddered with my hay in winter. — She shall sit rent-free for life ; and I will take care of these her poor orphans.' " This was a very affecting scene. Mr. Launcelot took his father's hand and kissed it, while the tears ran down his cheeks ; and Sir Everard embraced his son with great tenderness, crying, ' My dear boy ! God be praised for having given you such a feeling heart.' My father himself was moved, thof a practitioner of the law, and consequently used to distresses. — He declared, that he had given no directions to distrain ; and that the bailiff must have done it by his own authority. — ' If that be the case,' said the young squire, ' let the inhuman rascal be turned out of our service.' " Well, gemmen, all the children were immediately clothed and fed, and the poor widow had well nigh run distracted with joy. The old knight being of a humane temper himself, was pleased to see such proofs of his son's generosity. He was not angry at his spending his money, but at squandering away his time among the dregs of the people. For you must know, he not only made matches, portioned poor maidens, and set up young couples that came together without money; but he mingled in every rustic diversion, and bore away the prize in every contest. He excelled every swain of that district in feats of strength and activity ; in leaping, running, wrestling, cricket, cudgel-play- ing, and pitching the bar ; and was confessed to be, out of sight, the best dancer at all wakes and holidays. Happy was the country-girl who could engage the young squire as her partner ! To be sure, it was a comely sight for to see as how the buxom country-lasses, fresh and fragrant and blushing like the rose, in their best apparel dight, their white hose, and clean short dimity petticoats, their gaudy gowns of printed cotton; their top-knots and stomachers, bedizened with bunches of ribbons of various colours, green, pink, and yellow ; to see them crowned with garlands, and assembled on May-day, to dance before squire THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 2$ Launcelot, as he made his morning's progress through the village. Then all the young peasants made their appearance with cockades, suited to the fancies of their several sweethearts, and boughs of flowering hawthorn. The children sported about like flocks of frisking lambs, or the young fry swarming under the sunny bank of some meandering river. The old men and women, in their holiday-garments, stood at their doors to receive their benefactor, and poured forth blessings on him as he passed. The children welcomed him with their shrill shouts, the damsels with songs of praise, and the young men with the pipe and tabor, marched before him to the May-pole, which was bedecked with flowers and bloom. There the rural dance began. A plentiful dinner, with oceans of good liquor, was bespoke at the White Hart. The whole village was regaled at the squire's expense ; and both the day and the night was spent in mirth and pleasure. " Lord help you ! he could not rest if he thought there was an aching heart in the whole parish. Every paltry cottage was in a little time converted into a pretty, snug, comfortable habitation, with a wooden porch at the door, glass casements in the windows, and a little garden behind, well stored with greens, roots, and salads. In a word, the poor's rate was reduced to a mere trifle ; and one would have thought the golden age was revived in Yorkshire. But, as I told you before, the old knight could not bear to see his only son so wholly attached to these lowly pleasures, while he industriously shunned all opportunities of appearing in that superior sphere to which he was designed by nature and by fortune. He imputed his conduct to meanness of spirit, and advised with my father touching the properest ex- pedient to wean his affections from such low-born pursuits. My father counselled him to send the young gentleman up to London, to be entered as a student in the Temple, and recommended him to the superintendence of some person who knew the town, and might engage him insensibly in such amusements and connections, as would soon lift his ideas above the humble objects on which they had been hitherto employed. This advice appeared so salutary, that it was followed without the least hesitation. The young squire himself was perfectly well satisfied with the pro- posal ; and in a few days he set out for the great city. But 26 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. there was not a dry eye in the parish at his departure, although he prevailed upon his father to pay in his absence all the pensions he had granted to those who could not live on the fruit of their own industry. In what manner he spent his time in London, it is none of my business to inquire ; thof I know pretty well what kind of lives are led by gemmen of your Inns of Court. — I myself once belonged to Serjeant's Inn, and was perhaps as good a wit and a critic as any Templar of them all. Nay, as for that matter, thof I despise vanity, I can aver with a safe conscience, that I had once the honour to belong to the society called the Town. We were all of us attorney's clerks, gemmen, and had our meetings at an ale-house in Butcher Row, where we regulated the diversions of the theatre. "But to return from this digression. Sir Everard Greaves did not seem to be very well pleased with the conduct of his son at London. He got notice of some irregularities and scrapes into which he had fallen ; and the squire seldom wrote to his father, except to draw upon him for money; which he did so fast, that in eighteen months the old gentleman lost all patience. "At this period Squire Darnel chanced to die, leaving an only daughter, a minor, heiress of three thousand a-year, under the guardianship of her uncle Anthony, whose brutal character all the world knows. The breath was no sooner out of his brother's body, than he resolved, if possible, to succeed him in parliament as representative for the borough of Ashenton. Now you must know, that this borough had been for many years a bone of con- tention between the families of Greaves and Darnel; and at length the difference was compromised by the interposition of friends, on condition that Sir Everard and Squire Darnel should alternately represent the place in parliament. They agreed to this compromise for their mutual convenience; but they were never heartily reconciled. Their political principles did not tally ; and their wives looked upon each other as rivals in fortune and magnificence. So that there was no intercourse between them, thof they lived in the same neighbourhood. On the contrary, in all disputes, they constantly headed the opposite parties. Sir Everard understanding that Anthony Darnel had begun to canvass, and was putting every iron in the fir6, in violation and THE STORY OF SIR LA.UNCELOT. 2^ contempt of the pactum familim before mentioned, fell into a violent passion, that brought on a severe fit of the gout ; by which he was disabled from giving personal attention to his own interest. My father, indeed, employed all his diligence and address, and spared neither money, time, nor constitution, till at length he drank himself into a consumption, which was the death of him. But, after all, there is a great difference between a steward and a principal. Mr. Darnel attended in propria persona, flattered and carressed the women, feasted the electors, hired mobs, made processions, and scattered about his money in such a manner, that our friends durst hardly show their heads in public. " At this very crisis, our young squire, to whom his father had written an account of the transaction, arrived unexpectedly at Gravesbury Hall, and had a long private conference with Sir Everard. The news of his return spread like wild-fire through all that part of the country. Bonfires were made, and the bells set a ringing in several towns and steeples ; and next morning above seven hundred people were assembled at the gate, with music, flags, and streamers, to welcome their young squire, and accompany him to the borough of Ashenton. He set out on foot with his retinue, and entered one end of the town just as Mr. Darnel's mob had come in at the other. Both arrived about the same time at the market-place ; but Mr. Darnel, mounting first into the balcony of the town-house, made a long speech to the people in favour of his own pretensions, not without some invidious reflections glanced at Sir Everard, his competitor. "We did not much mind the acclamations of his party, which we knew had been hired for the purpose ; but we were in some pain for Mr. Greaves, who had not been used to speak in public. He took his turn, however, in the balcony, and, uncovering his head, bowed all round with the most engaging courtesy. He was dressed in a green frock trimmed with gold, and his own dark hair flowed about his ears in natural curls, while his face was overspread with a blush, that improved the glow of youth to a deeper crimson ; and I dare say set many a female heart a palpitating. When he made his first appearance, there was just such a humming and clapping of hands as you may have heard 28 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES, when the celebrated Garrick comes upon the stage in King Lear, or King Richard, or any other top character. But how agreeably were we disappointed, when our young gentleman made such an oration as would not have disgraced a Pitt, an Egmont, or a Murray ! while he spoke, all was hushed in admiration and attention ; you could have almost heard a feather drop to the ground. It would have charmed you to hear with what modesty he recounted the services which his father and grandfather had done to the corporation ; with what eloquence he expatiated upon the shameful infraction of the treaty subsisting between the two families ; and with what keen and spirited strokes of satire he retorted the sarcasms of Darnel. " He no sooner concluded his harangue, than there was such a burst of applause, as seemed to rend the very sky. Our music immediately struck up; our people advanced with their ensigns, and, as every man had a good cudgel, broken heads would have ensued, had not Mr. Darnel and his party thought proper to retreat with uncommon despatch. He never offered to make another public entrance, as he saw the torrent ran so violently against him ; but sat down with his loss, and withdrew his opposition, though at bottom extremely mortified and incensed. Sir Everard was unanimously elected, and appeared to be the happiest man upon earth ; for besides the pleasure arising from his victory over this competitor, he was now fully satisfied that his son, instead of disgracing, would do honour to his family. It would have moved a heart of stone, to see with what a tender transport of paternal joy he received his dear Launcelot, after having heard of his deportment and success at Ashenton ; where by the by, he gave a ball to the ladies, and displayed as much elegance and politeness, as if he had been bred at the court of Versailles. " This joyous season was of short duration. In a little time all the happiness of the family was overcast by a sad incident, which hath left such an unfortunate impression upon the mind of the young gentleman, as, I am afraid, will never be effaced. Mr. Darnel's niece and ward, the great heiress, whose name is Aurelia, was the most celebrated beauty of the whole country ; if I said the whole kingdom, or indeed all Europe, perhaps I THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 29 should barely do her justice. I don't pretend to be a limner, gemmen ; nor does it become me to delineate such excellence ; but surely I may presume to repeat from the play, ' Oh 1 she is all that painting can express, Or youthful poets fancy when they love ! ' " At that time she might be about seventeen ; tall and fair, and so exquisitely shaped — you may talk of your Venus de Medicis, your Dianas, your Nymphs, and Galateas ; but if Praxiteles, •and RoubilHac, and Wilton, were to lay their heads together, in order to make a complete pattern of beauty, they would hardly reach her model of perfection. — As for complexion, poets will talk of blending the lily with the rose, and bring in a parcel of similes, of cowslips, carnations, pinks and daisies. — There's Dolly, now, has got a very good complexion. — Indeed, she's the very picture of health and innocence — ^you are, indeed, my pretty lass ; • — but parva componere magnis. — Miss Darnel is all amazing beauty, delicacy, and dignity ! Then the softness and expression of her fine blue eyes ; her pouting lips of coral hue ; her neck, that rises like a tower of polished alabaster between two mounts of snow. I tell you what, gemmen, it don't signify talking ; if e'er a one of you was to meet this young lady alone, in the midst of a heath or common, or any unfrequented place, he would down on his knees, and think he kneeled before some supernatural being. I'll tell you more : she not only resembles an angel in beauty, but a saint in goodness, and a hermit in humility ; — so void of all pride and affectation ; so soft, and sweet, and affable, and humane ! Lord ! I could tell such instances of her charity ! " Sure enough, she and Sir Launcelot were formed by nature for each other. Howsoever, the cruel hand of fortune hath intervened, and severed them for ever. Every soul that knew them both, said it was a thousand pities but they should come together, and extinguish, in their happy union, the mutual animosity of the two families, which had so often embroiled the whole neighbourhood. Nothing was heard but the praises of Miss Aurelia Darnel and Mr. Launcelot Greaves ; and no doubt the parties were prepossessed, by this applause, in favour of each other. At length, Mr. Greaves went one Sunday to her parish 30 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. church ; but, though the greater part of the congregation watched their looks, they could not perceive that she took the least notice of him ; or that he seemed to be struck with her appearance. He afterwards had an opportunity of seeing her, more at leisure, at the York assembly, during the races ; but this opportunity was productive of no good effect, because he had that same day quarrelled with her uncle on the turf. " An old grudge, you know, gemmen, is soon inflamed to a fresh rupture. It was thought Mr. Darnel came on purpose to show his resentment. They differed about a bet upon Miss Cleverlegs, and, in the course of the dispute, Mr. Darnel called him a petulant boy. The young squire, who was as hasty as gunpowder, told him he was man enough to chastise him for his insolence; and would do it on the spot, if he thought it would not interrupt the diversion. In all probabihty they would have come to points immediately, had not the gentlemen interposed ; so that nothing further passed, but abundance of foul language on the part of Mr. Anthony, and a repeated defiance to single combat. " Mr. Greaves, making a low bow, retired from the field ; and in the evening danced at the assembly with a young lady from the bishoprick, seemingly in good temper and spirits, without having any words with Mr. Darnel, who was also present. But in the morning he visited that proud neighbour betimes ; and they had almost reached a grove of trees on the north side of the town, when they were suddenly overtaken by half a dozen gentlemen, who had watched their motions. It was in vain for them to dissemble their design, which could not now take effect. They gave up their pistols, and a reconciliation was patched up by the pressing remonstrances of their common friends ; but Mr. Darnel's hatred still rankled at bottom, and soon broke out in the sequel. About three months after this transaction, his niece Aurelia, with her mother, having been to visit a lady in the chariot, the horses being young, and not used to the traces, were startled at the braying of a jackass on the common, and taking fright, ran away with the carriage, like lightning. The coachman was thrown from the box, and the ladies screamed piteously for help. Mr. Greaves chanced to be a-horseback on the other side FERRET GETS IMPATIENT. 3 1 of an enclosure, when he heard their shrieks ; and riding up to the hedge, knew the chariot, and saw their disaster. The horses were then running full speed in such a direction, as to drive headlong over a precipice into a stone quarry, where they and the chariot, and the ladies, must be dashed in pieces. "You may conceive, gemmen, what his thoughts were when he saw such a fine young lady, in the flower of her age, just plunging into eternity ; when he saw the lovely Aurelia on the brink of being precipitated among rocks, where her delicate limbs must be mangled and tore asunder ; when he perceived, that, be- fore he could ride round by the gate, the tragedy would be finished. The fence was so thick and high, flanked with a broad ditch on the outside, that he could not hope to clear it, although he was mounted on Scipio, bred out of Miss Cowslip, the sire Muley, and his grandsire the famous Arabian Mustapha. — Scipio was bred by my father, who would not have taken a hundred guineas for him, from any other person but the young squire — indeed, I have heard my poor father say — " By this time Ferret's impatience was become so outrageous, that he exclaimed in a furious tone, " D — n your father, and his horse, and his colt into the bargain ! " Tom made no reply ; but began to strip with great expedition. Captain Crowe was so choked with passion that he could utter nothing but disjointed sentences. He rose from his seat, bran- dished his horsewhip, and seizing his nephew by the collar, cried, " Odd's heartlikins ! sirrah, I have a good mind — Devil fire your running tackle, you land-lubber ! — can't you steer without all this tacking hither and thither, and the Lord knows whither ? — 'Noint ray block ! I'd give thee a rope's end for thy supper if it wan't— " Dolly had conceived a sneaking kindness for the young lawyer, and thinking him in danger of being roughly handled, flew to his relief. She twisted her hand in Crowe's neckcloth without cere- mony, crying, " Sha't then, I tell thee, old codger — who kears a vig vor thy voolish tantrums ? " While Crowe looked black in the face, and ran the risk of strangulation under the gripe of this Amazon, Mr. Clarke having disengaged himself of his hat, wig, coat, and waistcoat, advanced 32 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. in an elegant attitude of manual offence towards the misanthrope, who snatched up a gridiron from the chimney corner, and Discord seemed to clap her sooty wings in expectation of battle. But as the reader may have more than once already cursed the uncon- scionable length of this chapter, we must postpone to the next opportunity the incidents that succeeded this denunciation of war. CHAPTER IV. Ill which it appears that the Knight, when heartily set in for sleeping, was not easily disturbed. In all probability the kitchen of the Black Lion, from a domestic temple of society and good fellowship, would have been converted into a scene or stage of sanguinary dispute, had not Pallas or Discretion interposed in the person of Mr. Fillet, and, with the assistance of the ostler, disarmed the combatants, not only of their arms, but also of their resentment. The impetuosity of Mr. Clarke was a little checked at sight of the gridiron, which Ferret brandished with uncommon dexterity ; a circumstance from whence the company were, upon reflection, induced to believe, that before he plunged into the sea of politics, he had occasionally figured in the character of that facetious droll, who accompanies your itinerant physicians, under the familiar appellation of Merry-Andrew, or Jack-Pudding, and on a wooden stage entertains the populace with a solo on the salt-box, or a sonata on the tongs and gridiron. Be that as it may, the young lawyer seemed to be a little discomposed at the glancing of this extraordinary weapon of offence, which the fair hands of Dolly had scoured, until it had shone as bright as the shield of Achilles ; or as the emblem of good old English fare, which hangs by a red ribbon round the neck of that thrice-honoured sage's head, in velvet bonnet cased, who presides by rotation at the genial board, distinguished by the title of the Beef-steak Club : where the delicate rumps irresistibly attract the stranger's eye, and, while they seem to cry, " Come cut me — come cut me," constrain, by wondrous sympathy, each mouth to overflow. Where the THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT RESUMED. 33 obliging and humorous Jemmy B — t, the gentle Billy TI — d, re- plete with human kindness, and the generous Johnny B — d, respected and beloved by all the world, attend as the priests and ministers of mirth, good cheer, and jollity, and assist with culinary art the raw, unpractised, awkward guest. But to return from this digressive simile. The ostler no sooner stept between those menacing antagonists, than Tom Clarke very quietly resumed his clothes, and Mr. Ferret resigned the gridiron without farther question. The doctor did not find it quite so easy to release the throat of Captain Crowe from the masculine grasp of the virago Dolly, whose fingers could not be disengaged until the honest seaman was almost at the last gasp. After some pause, during which he panted for breath, and untied his neckcloth, " D — n thee, for a brimstone galley," cried he ; " I was never so grappled withal since I knew a card from a compass. — Adzooks ! the jade has so taughtened my rigging, d'ye see, that I — Snatch my bow-lines, if I come athwart thy hawser, I'll turn thy keel upwards — or mayhap set thee a-driving under thy bare poles — I will — I will, you hell-fire, saucy — I will." Dolly made no reply ; but seeing Mr. Clarke sit down again with great composure, took her station likewise at the opposite side of the apartment. Then Mr. Fillet requested the lawyer to proceed with his story, which, after three hems, he accordingly prosecuted in these words : " 1 told you, gemmen, that Mr. Greaves was mounted on Scipio, when he saw Miss Darnel and her mother in danger of being hurried over a precipice. Without reflecting a moment, he gave Scipio the spur, and at one spring he cleared five and twenty feet, over hedge and ditch, and every obstruction. Then he rode full speed, in order to turn the coach-horses ; and, finding them quite wild and furious, endeavoured to drive against the counter of the hither horse, which he missed, and staked poor Scipio on the pole of the coach. The shock was so great, that the coach-horses made a full stop within ten yards of the quarry, and Mr. Greaves was thrown forwards towards the coach-box, which mounting with admirable dexterity, he seized the reins before the horses could recover of their fright. At that instant the coachman came running up, and loosed them from C 34 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCPLOT GREAVES. the traces with the utmost despatch. Mr. Greaves had now time to give his attention to the ladies, who were well nigh distracted with fear. He no soqner opened the chariot door than Aurelia, with a wildness of look, sprung into his arms, and, clasping him round the neck, fainted away. I leave you to guess, gemmen, what were his feelings at this instant. The mother was not so discomposed, but that she could contribute to the recovery of her daughter, whom the young squire still supported in his embrace. At length she retrieved the use of her senses, and perceiving the situation in which she was, the blood revisited her face with a redoubled glow, while she desired him to set her down upon the turf. " Mrs. Darnel, far from being shy or reserved in her compli- ments of acknowledgments, kissed Mr. Launcelot without cere- mony, the tears of gratitude running down her cheeks; she called him her dear son, her generous deliverer, who, at the hazard of his own life, had saved her and her child from the most dismal fate that could be imagined. " Mr. Greaves was so much transported on this occasion, that, he could not help disclosing a passion, which he had hitherto industriously concealed. ' What I have done,' said he, ' was but a common office of humanity, which I would have performed for any of my fellow-creatures ; but for the preservation of Miss Aurelia Darnel, I would at any time sacrifice my life with pleasure.' The young lady did not hear this declaration unmoved. Her face was again flushed, and her eyes sparkled with pleasure. Nor was the youth's confession disagreeable to the good lady her mother, who, at one glance, perceived all the advantages of such an union between the two families. " Mr. Greaves proposed to send the coachman to his father's stable for a pair of sober horses, that could be depended upon, to draw the ladies home to their own habitation ; but they declined the offer, and chose to walk, as the distance was not great. He then insisted upon his being their conductor ; and, each taking him under the arm, supported them to their own gate, where such an apparition filled all the domestics with astonishment. Mrs. Darnel, taking him by the hand, led him into the house, where she welcomed him with another affectionate THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 3$ embrace, and indulged him with an ambrosial kiss of Aurelia, saying, 'But for you, we had both been by this time in eternity. Sure it was Heaven that sent you as an angel to our assistance ! ' She kindly inquired if he had himself sustained any damage in administering that desperate remedy to which they owed their lives. She entertained him with a small collation ; and, in the course of the conversation, lamented the animosity which had so long divided two neighbouring families of such influence and character. He was not slow in signifying his approbation of her remarks, and expressing the most eager desire of seeing all those unhappy differences removed. In a word, they parted with mutual satisfaction. "Just as he advanced from the outward gate, on his return to Greavesbury Hall, he was met by Anthony Darnel on horseback, who, riding up to him with marks of surprise and resentment, saluted him with, ' Your servant, sir. — Have you any commands for me ? ' The other replying with an air of indifference, ' None at all,' — Mr. Darnel asked, what had procured him the honour of a visit. The young gentleman, perceiving by the manner in which he spoke, that the old quarrel was not yet extinguished, answered, with equal disdain, that the visit was not intended for him ; and that, if he wanted to know the cause of it, he might inform himself by his own servants.' ' So I shall,' cried the uncle of Aurelia ; ' and perhaps let you know my sentiments of the matter.' — ' Hereafter as it may be,' said the youth ; who, turning out of the avenue, walked home, and made his father acquainted with the particulars of this adventure. " The old gentleman chid him for his rashness ; but seemed pleased with the success of his attempt ; and still more so, when he understood his sentiments of Aurelia, and the deportment of the ladies. " Next day the son sent over a servant with a compliment to inquire about their health; and the messenger, being seen by Mr. Darnel, was told that the ladies were indisposed, and did not choose to be troubled with messages. The mother was really seized with a fever, produced by the agitation of her spirits, which every day became more and more violent, until the physicians despaired of her life. Believing that her end ap- 36 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. preached, she sent a trusty servant to Mr. Greaves, desiring that she might see him without delay ; and he immediately set out with the messenger, who introduced him in the dark. " He found the old lady in bed almost exhausted, and the fair Aurelia sitting by her overwhelmed with grief, her lovely hair in the utmost disorder, and her charming eyes inflamed with weep- ing. The good lady beckoning Mr. Launcelot to approach, and directing all the attendants to quit the room, except a favourite maid, from whom I learned the story, she took him by the hand, and fixing her eyes upon him with all the fondness of a mother, shed some tears in silence, while the same marks of sorrow trickled down his cheeks. After this affecting pause, ' My dear son,' said she, ' Oh 1 that I could have lived to see you so indeed ! you find me hastening to the goal of life.' Here the tender- hearted Aurelia, being unable to contain herself longer, broke out into a violent passion of grief, and wept aloud. The mother, waiting patiently till she had thus given vent to her anguish, calmly entreated her to resign herself submissively to the will of Heaven ; then turning to Mr. Launcelot, ' I had indulged,' said she, ' a fond hope of seeing you allied to my family. This is no time for me to insist upon the ceremonies and forms of a vain world. Aurelia looks upon you with the eyes of tender prepos- session.' No sooner had she pronounced these words than he threw himself on his knees before the young lady, and pressing her hand to his lips, breathed the softest expressions which the most delicate love could suggest. ' I know,' resumed the mother, ' that your passion is mutually sincere, and I should die satisfied if I thought your union would not be opposed ; but that violent man, my brother-in-law, who is Aurelia's sole guardian, will thwart her wishes with every obstacle that brutal resentment and implacable malice can contrive. Mr. Greaves, I have long admired your virtues, and am confident that I can depend upon your honour. You shall give me your word, that when I am gone you will take no steps in this affair without the concurrence of your father, and endeavour, by all fair and honourable means, to vanquish the prejudices, and obtain the consent of her uncle ; the rest we must leave to the dispensation of Providence.' " The squire promised, in the most solemn and fervent manner, THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 37 to obey all her injunctions, as the last dictates of a parent whom he should never cease to honour. Then she favoured them both with a great deal of salutary advice touching their conduct before and after marriage, and presented him with a ring as a memorial of her affection, at the same time he pulled another off his finger, and made a tender of it as a pledge of his love to Aurelia, whom her mother permitted to receive this token. Finally, he took a last farewell of the good matron, and returned to his father with the particulars of this interview. " In two days Mrs. Darnel departed this life, and Aurelia was removed to the house of a relation, where her grief had like to have proved fatal to her constitution. " In the meantime, the mother was no sooner committed to the earth, than Mr. Greaves, mindful of her exhortations, began to take measures for a reconciliation with the guardian. He engaged several gentlemen to interpose their good offices, but they always met with the most mortifying repulse, and at last Anthony Darnel declared that his hatred to the house of Greaves was hereditary, habitual, and unconquerable. He swore he would spend his heart's blood to perpeti^ate the quarrel, and that, sooner than his niece should match with young Launcelot, he would sacrifice her with his own hand. " The young gentleman, finding his prejudice so rancorous and invincible, left off making any further advances, and, since he found it impossible to obtain his consent, resolved to cultivate the good graces of Aurelia, and wed her in despite of her implacable guardian. He found means to establish a literary correspondence with her as soon as her grief was a little abated, and even to effect an interview, after her return to her own house ; but he soon had reason to repent of his indulgence. The uncle entertained spies upon the young lady, who gave him an account of this meeting, in consequence of which she was suddenly hurried to some dis- tant part of the country, which we never could discover. " It was then we thought Mr. Launcelot a little disordered in his brain, his grief was so wild, and his passion so impetuous. He refused all sustenance, neglected his person, renounced his amusements, rode out in the rain, sometimes bareheaded ; strolled about the fields all night, and became so peevish, that none of the 38 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. domestics durst speak to him without the hazard of broken bones. Having played these pranks for about three weeks, to the unspeak- able chagrin of his father, and the astonishment of all that knew him, he suddenly grew calm, and his good humour returned. But this, as your seafaring people say, was a deceitful calm, that soon ushered in a dreadful storm. " He had long sought an opportunity to tamper with some of Mr. Darnel's servants, who could inform him of the place where Aurelia was confined, but there was not one about the family who could give him that satisfaction, for the persons who accompanied her remained as a watch upon her motions, and none of the other domestics were privy to the transaction. All attempts proving fruitless, he could no longer restrain his impatience, but throwing himself in the way of the uncle, upbraided him in such harsh terms, that a formal challenge ensued. They agreed to decide their difference without witnesses, and one morning, before sunrise, met on that very common where Mr. Greaves had saved the life of Aurelia. The first pistol was fired on each side without any effect, but Mr. Darnel's second wounded the young squire in the flank; nevertheless, having a pistol in reserve, he desired his antagonist to ask his life. The other, instead of submitting, drew his sword, and Mr. Greaves, firing his piece into the air, followed his example. The contest then became very hot, though of short continuance. Darnel being disarmed at the first onset, our young squire gave him back the sword, which he was base enough to use a second time against his conqueror. Such an instance of repeated ingratitude and brutal ferocity divested Mr. Greaves of his temper and forbearance. He attacked Mr. Anthony with great fury, and at the first longe ran him up to the hilt, at the same time seized with his left hand the shell of his enemy's sword, which he broke in disdain. Mr. Darnel having fallen, the other immediately mounted his horse, which he had tied to a tree before the engagement, and riding full speed to Ashenton, sent a surgeon to Anthony's assistance. He afterwards ingenuously confessed all these particulars to his father, who was overwhelmed with consternation, for the wounds of Darnel were judged mortal ; and as no person had seen the particulars of the duel, Mr. Launcelot might have been convicted of murder. THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 39 " On these considerations, before a warrant could be served upon him, the old knight, by dint of the most eager entreaties, accompanied with marks of horror and despair, prevailed upon his son to withdraw himself from the kingdom until such time as the storm should be overblown. Had his heart been unengaged, he would have chose to travel, but at this period, when his whole soul was engrossed, and so violently agitated by his passion for Aurelia, nothing but the fear of seeing the old gentleman run dis- tracted would have induced him to desist from the pursuit of that young lady, far less quit the kingdom where she resided. " Well then, gemmen, he repaired to Harwich, where he embarked for Holland, from whence he proceeded to Brussels, where he procured a passport from the French king, by virtue of which he travelled to Marseilles, and there took a tartan for Genoa. The first letter Sir Everard received from him was dated at Florence. Meanwhile the surgeon's prognostic was not altogether verified. Mr. Darnel did not die immediately of his wounds, but he lingered a long time, as it were in the arms of death, and even partly recovered, yet, in all probability, he will never be wholly restored to the enjoyment of his health, and is obliged every summer to attend the hot-well at Bristol. As his wounds began to heal, his hatred to Mr. Greaves seemed to revive with augmented violence, and he is now, if possible, more than ever determined against all reconcihation. "Mr. Launcelot, after having endeavoured to amuse his imagination with a succession of curious objects, in a tour of Italy, took up his residence at a town called Pisa, and there fell into a deep melancholy, from which nothing could rouse him but the news of his father's death. " The old gentleman, God rest his soul, never held up his head after the departure of his darling Launcelot, and the dangerous condition of Darnel kept up his apprehension. This was rein- forced by the obstinate silence of the youth, and certain accounts of his disordered mind, which he had received from some of those persons who take pleasure in communicating disagreeable tidings, A complication of all these grievances, co-operating with a severe fit of the gout and gravel, produced a Ifever, which, in a few days, brought Sir Everhard to his long home, after he had settled 40 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. \iis affairs with heaven and earth, and made his peace with God and man. I'll assure you, gemmen, he made a most edifying and Christian end ; he died regretted by all his neighbours except Anthony, and might be said to be enbalmed by the tears of the poor, to whom he was always a bounteous benefactor. "When the son, now Sir Launcelot, came home, he appeared so meagre, wan, and hollow-eyed, that the servants hardly knew their young master. His first care was to take possession of his fortune, and settle accounts with the steward who had succeeded my father. These affairs being discussed, he spared no pains to get intelligence concerning Miss Darnel ; and soon learned more of that young lady than he desired to know ; for it was become the common talk of the country, that a match was agreed upon between her and young Squire Sycamore, a gentleman of a very great fortune. These tidings were probably confirmed under her own hand, in a letter which she wrote to Sir Launcelot. The contents were never exactly known but to the parties themselves ; nevertheless, the effects were too visible, for, from that blessed moment, he spoke not one word to any living creature for the space of three days ; but was seen sometimes to shed a flood of tears, and sometimes to burst out into a fit of laughing. At last he broke silence, and seemed to wake from his disorder. He became more fond than ever of the exercise of riding, and began to amuse himself again with acts of benevolence. " One instance of his generosity and justice deserves to be recorded in brass or marble. You must know, gemmen, the rector of the parish was lately dead, and Sir Everard had pro- mised the presentation to another clergyman. In the meantime. Sir Launcelot chancing one Sunday to ride through a lane, per- ceived a horse, saddled and bridled, feeding on the side of a fence ; and, casting his eyes around, beheld on the other side of the hedge an object lying extended on the ground, which he took to be the body of a murdered traveller. He forthwith alighted, and, leaping into the field, descried a man at full length, wrapped in a greatcoat and writhing in agony. Approaching nearer, he found it was a clergyman, in his gown and cassock. When he inquired into the case, and offered his assistance, the stranger rose up, thanked him for his courtesy, and declared that he was now very THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 4I well. The knight who thought there was something mysterious in this incident, expressed a desire to know the cause of his rolling in the grass in that manner, and the clergyman, who knew his person, made no scruple in gratifying his curiosity. 'You must know, sir,' said he, ' I serve the curacy of your own parish, for which the late incumbent paid me twenty pounds a year ; but this sum being scarce sufficient to maintain my wife and children, who are five in number, I agreed to read prayers in the afternoon at another church, about four miles from hence ; and for this additional duty I receive ten pounds more. As I keep a horse, it was formerly an agreeable exercise rather than a toil ; but of late years I have been afQicted with a rupture, for which I consulted the most eminent operators in the kingdom ; but I have no cause to rejoice in the effects of their advice, though one of them assured me I was completely cured. The malady is now more trouble- some than ever, and often comes upon me so violently while I am on horseback, that I am forced to alight, and lie down upon the ground, until the cause of the disorder can for the time be reduced.' " Sir Launcelot not only condoled with him upon his misfor- tune, but desired him to throw up the second cure, and he would pay him ten pounds a year out of his own pocket. ' Your generosity confounds me, good sir,' replied the clergyman ; ' and yet I ought not to be surprised at any instance of benevolence in Sir Launcelot Greaves ; but I will check the fulness of my heart. I shall only observe, that your good intention towards me can hardly take effect. The gentleman, who is to succeed the late incumbent, has given me notice to quit the premises, as he hath provided a friend of his own for the curacy.' — ' What ! " cried the knight, ' does he mean to take your bread from you, without assigning any other reason ? ' — ' Surely, sir,' replied the ecclesi- astic, ' I know of no other reason. I hope my morals are irre- proachable, and that I have done my duty with a conscientious regard ; I may venture an appeal to the parishioners among whom I have lived these seventeen years. After all, it is natural for every man to favour his own friends in preference to strangers. As for me, I propose to try my fortune in the great city, and I doubt not but Providence will provide for me and my little ones.' +2 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. " To this declaration Sir Launcelot made no reply ; but, riding home, set on foot a strict inquiry into the character of this man, whose name was Jenkins. He found that he was a reputed scholar, equally remarkable for his modesty and good life ; that he visited the sick, assisted the needy, compromised disputes among his neighbours, and spent his time in such a manner as would have done honour to any Christian divine. Thus informed, the knight sent for the gentleman to whom the living had been promised, and accosted him to this effect. ' Mr. Tootle, I have a favour to ask of you. The person who serves the cure of this parish Is a man of good character, beloved by the people, and has a large family. I shall be obliged to you if you will con- tinue him in the curacy.' The other told him he was sorry he could not comply with his request, being that he had already promised the curacy to a friend of his own. ' No matter,' replied Sir Launcelot, ' since I have not interest with you, I will endea- vour to provide for Mr. Jenkins in some other way.' " That same afternoon he walked over to the curate's house, and told him that he had spoken in his behalf to Dr. Tootle, but the curacy was pre-engaged. The good man having made a thousand acknowledgments for the trouble his honour had taken, ' I have not interest sufficient to make ' you curate,' said the knight, ' but I can give you the living itself, and that you shall have.' So saying, he retired, leaving Mr. Jenkins incapable of uttering one syllable, so powerfully was he struck with this unexpected turn of good fortune. The presentation was imme- diately made out, and in a few days Mr. Jenkins was put in possession of his benefice, to the inexpressible joy of the con- gregation. " Hitherto everything went right, and every unprejudiced per- son commended the knight's conduct ; but in a little time his generosity seemed to overleap the bounds of discretion, and even in some cases might be thought tending to a breach of the king's peace. For example, he compelled, vi et armis, a rich farmer's son to marry the daughter of a cottager, whom the young fellow had debauched. Indeed, it seems there was a promise of marriage in the case, though it could not be legally ascertained. The wench took on dismally, and her parents had recourse to THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 43 Sir Launcelot, who, sending for the delinquent, expostulated with him severely on the injury he had done the young woman, and exhorted him to save her life and reputation by performing his promise, in which case he. Sir Launcelot, would give her three 'hundred pounds to her portion. Whether the farmer thought there was something interested in this uncommon offer, or was a little elevated by the consciousness of his father's wealth, he rejected the proposal with rustic disdain, and said, if so be as how the wench would swear the child to him, he would settle it with the parish ; but declared, that no squire in the land should oblige him to buckle with such a cracked pitcher. This resolu- tion, however, he could not maintain ; for, in less than two hours the rector of the parish had direction to publish the banns, and the ceremony was performed in due course. " Now, though we know not precisely the nature of the argu- ments that were used with the farmer, we may conclude they were of the minatory species, for the young fellow could not, for some time, look any person in the face. " The knight acted as the general redresser of grievances. If a woman complained to him of being ill-treated by her husband, he first inquired into the foundation of the complaint, and if he found it just, catechised the defendant. If the warning had no effect, and the man proceeded to fresh acts of violence, then his judge took the execution of the law in his own hand, and horse- whipped the party. Thus he involved himself in several law- suits, that drained him of pretty large sums of money. He seemed particularly incensed at the least appearance of oppres- sion ; and supported divers poor tenants against the extortion of their landlords. Nay, he has been known to travel two hundred miles as a volunteer, to offer his assistance in the cause of a person, who he heard was by chicanery and oppression wronged of a considerable estate. He accordingly took her under his protection, relieved her distresses, and was at a vast expense in bringing the suit to a determination ; which being unfavourable to his client, he resolved to bring an appeal into the House of Lords, and certainly would have executed his purpose, if the gentlewoman had not died in the interim." At this period Ferret interrupted the narrator, by observing 44 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. that the said Greaves was a common nuisance, and ought to be prosecuted on the statute of barratry. " No sir," resumed Mr. Clarke, " he cannot be convicted of barratry, unless he is always at variance with some person or other, a mover of suits and quarrels, who disturbs the peace under colour of law. Therefore he is in the indictment styled, Coin- munis malefactor, calumniator, et seminator litium.'' " Pr'ythee, truce with thy definitions," cried Ferret, " and make an end to thy long-winded story. Thou hast no title to be so tedious, until thou comest to have a coif in the Court of Common Pleas." Tom smiled contemptuous, and had just opened his mouth to proceed, when the company were disturbed by a hideous repeti- tion of groans, that seemed to issue from the chamber in which the body of the squire was deposited. The landlady snatched the candle, and ran into the room, followed by the doctor and the rest ; and this accident naturally suspended the narration. In hke manner we shall conclude the chapter, that the reader may have time to breathe and digest what he has already heard. CHAPTER V, In which this Recapitulation draws to a close. When the landlady entered the room from whence the groaning proceeded, she found the squire lying on his back, under the dominion of the nightmare, which rode him so hard that he not only groaned and snorted, but the sweat ran down his face in streams. The perturbation of his brain, occasioned by this pressure, and the fright he had lately undergone, gave rise to a very terrible dream, in which he fancied himself apprehended for a robbery. The horror of the gallows was strong upon him, when he was suddenly awaked by a violent shock from the doctor ; and the company broke in upon his view, still perverted by fear, and bedimmed by slumber. His dream was now realised by a full persuasion that he was surrounded by the constable and his gang. The first object that presented itself to his disordered THE STORY IS AGAIN RESUMED. 45 view was the figure of Ferret, who might very well have passed for the finisher of the law ; against him, therefore, the first effort of his despair was directed. He started upon the floor, and seizing a certain utensil, that shall be nameless, launched it at the misanthrope with such violence, that had he not cautiously slipped his head aside, it is supposed that actual fire would have been produced from the collision of two such hard and solid substances. All future mischief was prevented by the strength and agility of Captain Crowe, who, springing upon the assailant, pinioned his arms to his sides, crying, " Oh, d — n ye, if you are for running a-head, I'll soon bring you to your bearings." The squire, thus restrained, soon recollected himself, ana gaz- ing upon every individual in the apartment, " Wounds," said he, " I've had an ugly dream. I thought, for all the world, they were carrying me to Newgate, and that there was Jack Ketch coom to vetch me before my taim." Ferret, who was the person he had thus distinguished, eyeing him with a look of the most emphatic malevolence, told him it was very natural for a knave to dream of Newgate ; and that he hoped to see the day when his dream would be found a true prophecy, and the commonwealth purged of all such rogues and vagabonds. But it could not be expected that the vulgar would be honest and conscientious, while the great were distinguished by profligacy and corruption. The squire was disposed to make a practical reply to this insinuation, when Mr. Ferret prudently withdrew himself from the scene of altercation. The good woman of the house persuaded his antagonist to take out his nap, assur- ing him that the eggs and bacon, with a mug of excellent ale, should be forthcoming in due season. The affair being thus fortunately adjusted, the guests returned to the kitchen, and Mr. Clarke resumed his story to this effect : — "You'll please to take notice, gemmen, that, besides the instances I have alleged of Sir Launcelot's extravagant benevol- ence, I could recount a great many others of the same nature, and particularly the laudable vengeance he took of a country lawyer. I'm sorry that any such miscreant should belong to the profession. He was clerk of the assize, gemmen, in a certain town, not a great way distant ; and having a blank pardon left 46 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES, by the judges for some criminals whose cases were attended with favourable circumstances, he would not insert the name of one who could not procure a guinea for the fee ; and the poor fellow, who had only stole an hour-glass out of a shoemaker's window, was actually executed, after a long respite, during which he had been permitted to go abroad, and earn his subsistence by his daily labour. " Sir Launcelot being informed of this barbarous act of avarice, and having some ground that bordered on the lawyer's estate, not only rendered him contemptible and infamous, by exposing him as often as they met on the grand jury, but also, being vested with the property of the great tithe, proved such a troublesome neighbour, sometimes by making waste among his hay and corn, sometimes by instituting suits against him for petty trespasses, that he was fairly obhged to quit his habitation, and remove into another part of the kingdom. " All these avocations could not divert Sir Launcelot from the execution of a wild scheme, which has carried his extravagance to such a pitch that I am afraid, if a statute — you understand me, gemmen — ^were sued, the jury would — I don't choose to explain myself further on this circumstance. Be that as it may, the servants at Greavesbury Hall were not a little confounded, when their master took down from the family armoury a complete suit of armour, which belonged to his great grandfather. Sir Marma- duke Greaves, a great warrior, who lost his life in the service of his king. This armour being scoured, repaired, and altered, so as to fit Sir Launcelot, a certain knight, whom I don't choose to name, because I believe he cannot be proved compos mentis, came down, seemingly on a visit, with two attendants ; and, on the evening of the festival of St. George, the armour being carried into the chapel. Sir Launcelot (Lord have mercy upon us !) remained all night in that dismal place alone, and without light, though it was confidently reported all over the country, that the place was haunted by the spirit of his great-great-uncle, who being lunatic, had cut his throat from ear to ear, and was found dead on the communion table." It was observed, that while Mr. Clarke rehearsed this circum- stance his eyes began to stare and his teeth to chatter ; while THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 47 Dolly, whose looks were fixed invariably on this narrator, growing pale, and hitching her joint-stool nearer the chimney, exclaimed, in a frightened tone, " Moother, moother, in the neame of God, look to 'un ! how a quakes ! as I'm a precious saoul, a looks as if a saw something." Tom forced a smile, and thus proceeded : — "While Sir Launcelot tarried within the chapel, with the doors all locked, the other knight stalked round and round it on the outside, with his sword drawn, to the terror of divers persons who were present at the ceremony. As soon as day broke he opened one of the doors, and going in to Sir Launcelot, read a book for some time, which we did suppose to be the constitutions of knight errantry. Then we heard a loud slap, which echoed through the whole chapel, and the stranger pronounce, with an audible and solemn voice, ' In the name of God, St. Michael, and St. George, I dub the knight — be faithful, bold, and fortunate.' You cannot imagine, gemmen, what an effect this strange cere- mony had upon the people who were assembled. They gazed at one another in silent horror, and when Sir Launcelot came forth completely armed, took to their heels in a body, and fled with the utmost precipitation. I myself was overturned in the crowd ; and this was the case with that very individual person who now serves him as squire. He was so frightened that he could not rise, but lay roaring in such a manner that the knight came up and gave him a thwack with his lance across the shoulders, which roused him with a vengeance. For my own part, I freely own I was not unmoved at seeing such a figure come stalking out of a church in the gray of the morning ; for it recalled to my remembrance the idea of the ghost in Hamlet, which I had seen acted in Drury Lane, when I made my first trip to London, and I had not yet got rid of the impression. " Sir Launcelot, attended by the other knight, proceeded to the stable, from whence, with his own hands, he drew forth one of his best horses, a fine mettlesome sorrel, who had got blood in him, ornamented with rich trappings. In a trice, the two knights, and the other two strangers, who now appeared to be trumpeters, were mounted. Sir Launcelot's armour was lacquered black ; and on his shield was represented the moon in her first quarter, with the motto, Impleat orbem. The trumpets having 48 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. sounded a charge, the stranger pronounced with a loud voice, ' God preserve this gallant knight in all his honourable achieve- ments ; and may he long continue to press the sides of his now adopted steed, which I denominate Bronzomarte, hoping that he will rival in swiftness and spirit, Bayardo, Brigliadoro, or any other steed of past or present chivalry ! ' After another flourish of the trumpets, all four clapped spurs to their horses, Sir Launcelot couching his lance, and galloped to and fro, as if they had been mad, to the terror and astonishment of all the spectators. " What should have induced our knight to choose this here man for his squire, is not easy to determine ; for, of all the servants about the house, he was the least likely either to please his master, or engage in such an undertaking. His name is Timothy Crabshaw, and he acted in the capacity of whipper in to Sir Everard. He afterwards married the daughter of a poor cottager, by whom he has several children, and was employed about the house as a ploughman and carter. To be sure, the fellow has a dry sort of humour about him ; but he was universally hated among the servants, for his abusive tongue and perverse disposition, which often brought him into trouble ; for, though the fellow is as strong as an elephant, he has no more courage naturally than a chicken ; I say naturally, because, since his being a member of knight-errantry, he has done some things that appear altogether incredible and preternatural. " Timothy kept such a bawling, after he had received the blow from Sir Launcelot, that everybody on the field thought some of his bones were broken ; and his wife, with five bantlings, came sniveling to the knight, who ordered her to send the husband directly to his house. Tim accordingly went thither, groaning piteously all the way, creeping along, with his body bent like a Greenland canoe. As soon as he entered the court, the outward door was shut; and Sir Launcelot coming downstairs with a horsewhip in his hand, asked what was the matter with him that he complained so dismally ? To this question he replied, that it was as common as duck-weed in his country for a man to com- plain when his bones were broke. 'What should have broke your bones ? ' said the knight. ' I cannot guess,' answered the THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. 49 Other, ' unless it was that delicate switch that your honour in your mad pranks handled so dexterously upon my carcass. Sir Launcelot then told him, there was nothing so good for a bruise as a sweat; and he had the remedy in his hand. Timothy, eyeing the horsewhip askance, observed that there was another still more speedy, to wit, a moderate pill of lead, with a sufficient dose of gunpowder. ' No, rascal,' cried the knight ; ' that must be reserved for your betters.' So saying, he employed the instrument so effectually, that Crabshaw soon forgot his fractured ribs, and capered about with great agility. " When he had been disciplined in this manner to some pur- pose, the knight told him he might retire, but ordered him to return next morning, when he should have a repetition of the medicine, provided he did not find himself capable of walking in an erect posture. " The gate was no sooner thrown open, than Timothy ran home with all the speed of a greyhound, and corrected his wife, by whose advice he had pretended to be so grievously damaged in his person. " Nobody dreamed that he would next day present himself at Greavesbury Hall ; nevertheless, he was there very early in the morning, and even closeted a whole hour altogether with Sir Launcelot. He came out, making wry faces, and several times slapped himself on the forehead, crying, ' Bodikins ! thof he be crazy, I an't, that I an't ? ' When he was asked what was the matter, he said, he believed the devil had got in him, and he should never be his own man again. " That same day the knight carried him to Ashenton, where he bespoke those accoutrements which he now wears ; and while these were making, it was thought the poor fellow would have run distracted. He did nothing but growl, and curse and swear to himself, run backwards and forwards between his own hut and Greavesbury Hall, and quarrel with the horses in the stable. At length, his wife and family were removed into a snug farm house, that happened to be empty, and care taken that they should be comfortably maintained. " These precautions being taken, the knight, one morning, at daybreak, mounted Bronzomarte, and Crabshaw, as his squire, D 50 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. ascended the back of a clumsy cart-horse, called Gilbert. This, again, was looked upon as an instance of insanity in the said Crabshaw ; for, of all the horses in the stable, Gilbert was the most stubborn and vicious, and had often like to have done mischief to Timothy while he drove the cart and plough. When he was out of humour, he would kick and plunge as if the devil was in him He once thrust Crabshaw into the middle of a quick-set hedge, where he was terribly torn ; another time he canted him over his head into a quagmire, where he stuck with his heels up, and must have perished, if people had not been passing that way ; a third time he seized him in the stable with his teeth by the rim of the belly, and swung him off the ground, to the great danger of his life ; and I'll be hanged, if it was not owing to Gilbert, that Crabshaw was now thrown into the river. " Thus mounted and accoutred, the knight and his squire set out on their first excursion. They turned off from the common highway, and travelled all that day without meeting anything worthy recounting; but, in the moa-ning of the second day, they were favoured with an adventure. The hunt was upon a common through which they travelled, and the hounds were in full cry after a fox, when Crabshaw, prompted by his own mischievous disposition, and neglecting the order of his master, who called aloud to him to desist, rode up to the hounds, and crossed them at full gallop. The huntsman, who was not far off, running to- wards the squire, bestowed upon his head such a memento with his pole, as made the landscape dance before his eyes ; and, in a twinkling, he was surrounded by all the fox-hunters, who plied their whips about his ears with infinite agility. Sir Launcelot advancing at an easy pace, instead of assisting the disastrous squire, exhorted his adversaries to punish him severely for his insolence, and they were not slow in obeying this injunction. Crabshaw, finding himself in this disagreeable situation, and that there was no succour to be expected from his master, on whose prowess he had depended, grew desperate, and, clubbing his whip, laid about him with great fury, wheeling about Gilbert, who was not idle ; for he, having received some of the favours intended for his rider, both bit with his teeth, and kicked with his heels ; and, at last, made his way through the ring that encircled him, though THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. Jl not before he had broke the huntsman's leg, lamed one of the best horses on the field, and killed half a score of the hounds. " Crabshaw, seeing himself clear of the fray, did not tarry to take leave of his master, but made the most of his way to Greavesbury Hall, where he appeared hardly with any vestige of the human countenance, so much had he been defaced in this adventure. He did not fail to raise a great clamour against Sir Launcelot, whom he cursed as a coward in plain terms, swearing he would never serve him another day. But whether he altered his mind on cooler reflection, or was lectured by his wife, who well understood her own interest, he rose with the cock, and went again in quest of Sir Launcelot, whom he found on the eve of a very hazardous enterprise. " In the midst of a lane, the knight happened to meet with a party of about forty recruits, commanded by a Serjeant a corporal, and a drummer, which last had his drum slung at his back ; but seeing such a strange figure mounted on a high-spirited horse, he was seized with an inclination to divert his company. With this view, he braced his drum, and, hanging it in its proper position, began to beat a point of war, advancing under the very nose of Bronzomarte ; while the corporal exclaimed, ' D — n my eyes, who have we got here ? — old King Stephen, from the horse armoury in the Tower, or the fellow that rides armed at my lord mayor's show ? ' The knight's steed seemed, at least, as well pleased with the sound of the drum, as were the recruits that followed it ; and signified his satisfaction in some curvetings and caprioles, which did not at all discompose the rider, who, addressing himself to the Serjeant, ' Friend,' said he, ' you ought to teach your drummer better manners. I would chastise the fellow on the spot for his insolence, were it not out of the respect I bear to his Majesty's service.' ' Respect mine a ! ' cried this ferocious commander ; ' what, d'ye think to frighten us with your pewter piss-pot on your skull, and your lacquered pot-lid on your arm ? Get out of the way, and be d — ned, or I'll raise with my halbert such a clutter upon your target, that you'll remember it the longest day you have to live.' At that instant, Crabshaw arriving upon Gilbert, ' So, rascal,' said Sir Launcelot, ' you are returned. Go and beat in that scoundrel's drum-head.' 52 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. "The squire, who saw no weapons of offence about the drummer but a sword, which he hoped the owner durst not draw, and being resolved to exert himself in making atonement for his desertion, advanced to execute his master's orders ; but Gilbert, who liked not the noise, refused to proceed in the ordinary way. Then the squire turning his tail to the drummer, he advanced in a retrograde motion, and with one kick of his heels, not only broke the drum into a thousand pieces, but laid the drummer in the mire, with such a blow upon his hip-bone, that he halted all the days of his life. The recruits, perceiving the discomfiture of their leader, armed themselves with stones ; the Serjeant raised his halbert in a posture of defence, and immediately a severe action ensued. By this time Crabshaw had drawn his sword, and begun to lay about him like a devil incarnate ; but, in a little time, he was saluted by a volley of stones, one of which knocked out two of his grinders, and brought him to the earth, where he had like to have found no quarter; for the whole company crowded about him, with their cudgels brandished ; and perhaps he owed his preservation to their pressing so hard that they hindered one another from using their weapons. " Sir Launcelot, seeing with indignation the unworthy treat- ment his squire had received, and scorning to stain his lance with the blood of plebeians, instead of couching it at the rest, seized it by the middle, and fetching one blow at the serjeant, broke in twain the halbert which he had raised as a quarter-staff for his defence. The second stroke encountered his pate, which being the hardest part about him, sustained the shock without damage; but the third, lighting on his ribs, he honoured the giver with immediate prostration. The general being thus over- thrown. Sir Launcelot advanced to the relief of Crabshaw, and handled his weapon so effectually, that the whole body of the enemy were disabled or routed, before one cudgel had touched the carcass of the fallen squire. As for the corporal, instead of standing by his commanding officer, he had overleaped the hedge, and run to the constable of an adjoining village for assistance.. Accordingly, before Crabshaw could be properly remounted, the peace officer arrived with his posse ; and by the corporal was charged with Sir Launcelot and his squire, as two highwaymen. THE STORY OF SIR LAUNCELOT. S3 The constable, astonished at the martial figure of the knight, and intimidated at sight of the havoc he had made, contented himself with standing at a distance, displaying the badge of his oflBce, and reminding the knight that he represented his Majesty's person. "Sir Launcelot, seeing the poor man in great agitation, assured him that his design was to enforce, not violate the laws of his country ; and that he and his squire would attend him to the next justice of peace ; but, in the meantime, he, in his turn, charged the peace oflScer with the Serjeant and drummer, who had begun the fray. " The justice had been a pettifogger, and was a sycophant to a nobleman in the neighbourhood, who had a post at court. He therefore thought he should oblige his patron, by showing his respect for the military; but treated our knight with the most boorish insolence, and refused to admit him into his house, until he had surrendered all his weapons of offence to the con- stable. Sir Launcelot and his squire being found the aggressors, the justice insisted upon making out their mittimus, if they did not find bail immediately ; and could hardly be prevailed upon to agree that they should remain at the house of the constable, who, being a pubUcan, undertook to keep them in safe custody, untU the knight could write to his steward. Meanwhile he was bound over to the peace; and the Serjeant with his drummer were told they had a good action against him for assault and battery, either by information or indictment. " They were not, however, so fond of the law as the justice seemed to be. Their sentiments had taken a turn in favour of Sir Launcelot, during the course of his examination, by which it appeared that he was really a gentleman of fashion and fortune ; and they resolved to compromise the afiair without the inter- vention of his worship. Accordingly, the Serjeant repaired to the constable's house, where the knight was lodged ; and humbled himself before his honour, protesting with many oaths, that, if he had known his quality, he would have beaten the drummer's brains about his ears, for presuming to give his honour or his horse the least disturbance ; thof the fellow, he believed, was sufficiently punished in being a cripple for life. " Sir Launcelot admitted of his apologies ; and taking com- 54 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. passion on the fellow who had suffered so severely for his folly, resolved to provide for his maintenance. Upon the representa- tion of the parties to the justice, the warrant was next day discharged ; and the knight returned to his own house, attended by the serjeant and the drummer mounted on horseback, the recruits being left to the corporal's charge. " The halberdier found the good effects of Sir Launcelot's liberality ; and his companion being rendered unfit for his Majesty's service, by the heels of Gilbert, is now entertained at Greavesbury Hall, where he will probably remain for life. " As for Crabshaw, his master gave him to understand, that if he did not think him pretty well chastised for his presumption and flight, by the discipline he had undergone in the last two adventures, he would turn him out of his service with disgrace. Timothy said he believed it would be the greatest favour he could do him to turn him out of a service in which he knew he be should rib-roasted every day, and murdered at last. " In this situation were things at Greavesbury Hall about a month ago, when I crossed the country to Ferrybridge, where I met my uncle. Probably, this is the first incident of their second excursion ; for the distance between this here house and Sir Launcelot's estate does not exceed fourscore or ninety miles." CHAPTER VI. In which the Reader will perceive that in some cases Madness is catching. Mr. Clarke having made an end of his narrative, the surgeon thanked him for the entertainment he had received; and Mr. Ferret shrugged up his shoulders in silent disapprobation. As for Captain Crowe, who used at such pauses to pour in a broad- side of dismembered remarks, linked together like chain-shot, he spoke not a syllable for sometime ; but, lighting a fresh pipe at the candle, began to roll such voluminous clouds of smoke as in an instant filled the whole apartment, and rendered himself invisible to the whole company. Though he thus shrouded himself from their view, he did not long remain concealed from TOM REMONSTRATES WITH HIS UNCLE. SS their hearing. They first heard a strange dissonant cackle, which the doctor knew to be a sea-laugh, and this was followed by an eager exclamation of " Rare pastime, strike my yards and top masts I — I've a good mind — why shouldn't — many a losing voyage I've — smite my taffrel but I wool — " By this time he had relaxed so much in his fumigation, that the tip of his nose and one eye reappeared ; and as he had drawn his wig forwards, so as to cover his whole forehead, the figure that now saluted their eyes was much more ferocious and terrible than the fire-breathing chimera of the ancients. Not- withstanding this dreadful appearance, there was no indignation in his heart, but, on the contrary, an agreeable curiosity, which he was determined to gratify. Addressing himself to Mr. Fillet, " Pr'ythee, doctor," said he, " canst tell, whether a man, without being rated a lord or a baron, or what d'ye call um, d'ye see, mayn't take to the highway in the way of a frolic, d'ye see ? — Adad ! for my own part, brother, I'm resolved as how to cruise a bit in the way of an arrant — if so be as I can't at once be commander, mayhap I may be bore upon the books as a petty officer or the like, d'ye see." " Now, the Lord forbid ! " cried Clarke, with tears in his eyes, " I'd rather see you dead than brought to such a dilemma." " Mayhap thou wouldst," answered the uncle ; " for then, my lad, there would be some picking — aha ! dost thou tip me the traveller, my boy ? " Tom assured him he scorned any such mercenary views. " I am only concerned," said he, " that you should take any step that might tend to the disgrace of yourself or your family ; and I say again I had rather die than live to see you reckoned any otherwise than compos." — " Die and be d — ned ! you shambling half-timber'd son of a ," cried the choleric Crowe ; " dost talk to me of keeping a reckoning and compass ? — I could keep a reckoning, and box my compass long enough before thy keelstone was laid — Sam Crowe is not come here to ask thy counsel how to steer his course." — " Lord 1 sir," resumed the nephew, " consider what people will say — all the world will think you mad." — " Set thy heart at ease, Tom," cried the sea- man, " I'll have a trip to and again in this here channel. Mad ! what then ? I think for my part one half of the nation is mad — 56 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. and the other not very sound — I don't see why I han't as good a right to be mad as another man — but, doctor, as I was saying, I'd be bound to you, if you would direct me where I can buy that same tackle that an arrant must wear ; as for the matter of the long pole, headed with iron, I'd never desire better than a good boat-hook, and could make a special good target of that there tin sconce that holds the candle — mayhap any blacksmith will hammer me a scull-cap, d'ye see, out of an old brass kettle ; and I can call my horse by the name of my ship, which was Muftir The surgeon was one of those wags who can laugh inwardly, without exhibiting the least outward mark of mirth or satisfac- tion. He at once perceived the amusement which might be drawn from this strange disposition of the sailor, together with the most likely means which could be used to divert him from such an extravagant pursuit. He therefore tipped Clarke the wink with one side of his face, while the other was very gravely turned to the captain, whom he addressed to this effect. " It is not far from hence to Sheffield, where you might be fitted com- pletely in half a day — then you must wake your armour in church or chapel, and be dubbed. As for this last ceremony, it may be performed by any person whatsoever. Don Quixote was dubbed by his landlord ; and there are many instances on record, of errants obliging and compelling the next person they met to cross their shoulders, and dub them knights. I myself would under- take to be your godfather ; and I have interest enough to procure the keys of the parish church that stands hard by ; besides, this is the eve of St. Martin, who was himself a knight-errant, and* therefore a proper patron to a novitiate. I wish we could borrow' Sir Launcelot's armour for the occasion." Crowe, being struck with this hint, started up, and laying his fingers on his lips to enjoin silence, walked off softly on his tip- toes, to listen at the door of our knight's apartment, and judge whether or not he was asleep. Mr. Fillet took this opportunity to tell his nephew that it would be in vain for him to combat this humour with reason and argument ; but the most effectual way of diverting him from the plan of knight-errantry would be, to frighten him heartily while he should keep his vigil in the THE LANDLADY OPPOSES CROWE'S DESIGN. S7 church ; towards the accompHshment of which purpose he craved the assistance of the misanthrope as well as the nephew. Clarke seemed to relish the scheme ; and observed, that his uncle, though endued with courage enough to face any human danger, had at bottom a strong fund of superstition, which he had acquired, or at least improved, in the course of a sea life. Ferret, who per- haps would not have gone ten paces out of his road to save Crowe from the gallows, nevertheless engaged as an auxiliary, merely in hope of seeing a fellow-creature miserable ; and even undertook to be the principal agent in this adventure. For this office indeed he was better qualified than they could have imagined. In the bundle which he kept under his greatcoat, there was, together with divers nostrums, a small vial of liquid phosphorus, sufficient, as he had already observed, to frighten a whole neighbourhood out of their senses. In order to concert the previous measures without being over- heard, these confederates retired with a candle and lantern into the stable ; and their backs were scarce turned, when Captain Crowe came in loaded with pieces of the knight's armour, which he had conveyed from the apartment of Sir Launcelot, whom he had left fast asleep. Understanding that the rest of the company were gone out for a moment, he could not resist the inclination he felt of com- municating his intention to the landlady, who, with her daughter, had been too much engaged in preparing Crabshaw's supper, to know the purport of their conversation. The good woman, being informed of the captain's design to remain alone all night in the church, began to oppose it with all her rhetoric. She said it was setting his Maker at defiance, and a wilful running into temptation. She assured him that all the country knew that the church was haunted by spirits and hobgoblins ; that lights had been seen in every corner of it, and a tall woman in white had one night appeared upon the top of the tower ; that dreadful shrieks were often heard to come from the south aisle, where a murdered man had been buried ; that she herself had seen the cross on the steeple all a-fire ; and one evening as she passed a horseback close by the stile at the entrance into the churchyard, the horse stood still, sweating and trembling, and 58 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. had no power to proceed, until she had repeated the Lord's Prayer. These remarks made a strong impression on the imagination of Crowe, who asked in some confusion, if she had got that same praj'er in print ? She made no answer, but reaching the prayer-book from a shelf, and turning up the leaf, put it into his hand ; then the captain having adjusted his spectacles, began to read, or rather spell aloud, with equal eagerness and solemnity. He had refreshed his memory so well as to remember the whole, when the doctor, returning with his companions, gave him to understand that he had procured the key of the chancel, where he might watch his armour as well as in the body of the church ; and that he was ready to conduct him to the spot. Crowe was not now quite so forward as he had appeared before, to achieve this adventure. He began to start objections with respect to the borrowed armour ; he wanted to stipulate the comforts of a can of flip, and a candle's end, during his vigil ; and hinted some- thing of the damage he might sustain from your malicious imps of darkness. The doctor told him, the constitutions of chivalry absolutely required that he should be left in the dark alone, and fasting, to spend the night in pious meditations; but if he had any fears which disturbed his conscience, he had much better desist, and give up all thoughts of knight-errantry, which could not consist with the least shadow of apprehension. The captain, stung by this remark, replied not a word, but gathering up the armour into a bundle, threw it on his back, and set out for the place of probation, preceded by Clarke with the lantern. When they arrived at the church. Fillet, who had procured the key from the sexton, who was his patient, opened the door, and conducted our novice into the middle of the chancel, where the armour was deposited. Then bidding Crowe draw his hanger, committed him to the protection of Heaven, assuring him he would come back, and find him either dead or alive by daybreak, and per- form the remaining part of the ceremony. So saying, he and the other associates shook him by the hand and took their leave, after the surgeon had tilted up the lantern to take a view of his visage, which was pale and haggard. THEY LEAVE CROWE TO HIS DEVOTION. 59 Before the door was locked upon him, he called aloud, " Hilloa ! doctor, hip — another word, d'ye see." They forthwith returned to know what he wanted, and found him already in a sweat. " Hark ye, brother," said he, wiping his face, " I do suppose as how one may pass away the time in whistling the Black Joke, or singing Black-eyed Susan, or some such sorrowful ditty." — " By no means," cried the doctor ; " such pastimes are neither suitable to the place, nor the occasion, which is altogether a religious exercise. If you have got any psalms by heart, you may sing a stave or two, or repeat the Doxology." — " Would I had Tom Laverick here," replied our novitiate ; " he would sing your anthems like a sea-mew — a had been a clerk a-shore — many's the time, and often I've given him a rope's end for singing psalms in the larboard watch. Would 1 had hired the son of a b — h to have taught me a cast of his office — but it cannot be holp, brother — if we can't go large, we must haul up a wind, as the saying is ; if we can't sing, we must pray." The company again left him to his devotion, and returned to the public-house, in order to execute the essential part of their project. CHAPTER VII. Tn which the Knight resumes his Importance. Doctor Fillet having borrowed a couple of sheets from the landlady, dressed the misanthrope and Tom Clarke in ghostly apparel, which was reinforced by a few drops of liquid phosphorus, from Ferret's vial, rubbed on the foreheads of the two adven- turers. Thus equipped, they returned to the church with their conductor, who entered with them softly at an aisle which was opposite to a place where the novice kept watch. They stole unperceived through the body of the church ; and though it was so dark that they could not distinguish the captain with the eye, they heard the sound of his steps, as he walked backwards and forwards on the pavement with uncommon expedition, and an ejaculation now and then escaped in a murmur from his lips. The triumvirate having taken their station within a large pew 6o ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. in their front, the two ghosts uncovered their heads, which by the help of the phosphorus exhibited a pale and lambent flame, extremely dismal and ghastly to the view; then Ferret, in a squeaking tone, exclaimed, " Samuel Crowe ! Samuel Crowe ! " The captain hearing himself accosted in this manner, at such a time, and in such a place, replied, " Hilloah ; " and turning his eyes towards the quarter whence the voice seemed to proceed, beheld the terrible apparition. This no sooner saluted his view than his hair bristled up, his knees began to knock, and his teeth to chatter, while he cried aloud, " In the name of God, where are you bound, ho ? " To this hail the misanthrope answered, " We are the spirits of thy grandmother Jane and thy aunt Bridget." At mention of these names, Crowe's terrors began to give way to his resentment, and he pronounced in a quick tone of surprise, mixed with indignation, " What d'ye want ? what d'ye want ? what d'ye want, ho?" The spirit replied, "We are sent to warn thee of thy fate." — " From whence, ho ? " cried the captain, whose choler had by this time well nigh triumphed over his fear. " From heaven," said the voice. " Ye lie, ye b — s of hell ! " did cur novice exclaim ; " ye are d — ned for heaving me out of my right, five fathom and a half by the lead, in burning brimstone. Don't I see the blue flames come out of your hawse holes ? — mayhap you may be the devil himself, for aught I know — but I trust in the Lord, d'ye see — I never disrated a kinsman, d'ye see, so don't come alongside of me — put about on th'other tack, d'ye see — you need not clap hard a weather, for you'll soon get to hell again with a flowing sail." So saying, he had recourse to his Paternoster ; but perceiving the apparitions approach, he thundered out, "Avast, — avast — sheer off, ye babes of hell, or I'll be foul of your forelights." He accordingly sprung forwards with his hanger, and very probably would have set the spirits on their way to the other world, had he not fallen over a pew in the dark, and entangled himself so much among the benches, that he could not immediately recover his footing. The triumvirate took this opportunity to retire ; and such was the precipitation of Ferret in his retreat, that he encountered a post by which his right eye sustained considerable damage ; a circumstance which induced him to inveigh bitterly CLARKE MAKES AN EXCURSION IN THE DARK. 6l against his own folly, as well as the impertinence of his com- panions, who had inveigled him into such a troublesome adventure. Neither he nor Clarke could be prevailed upon to revisit the novice. The doctor himself thought his disease was desperate; and, mounting his horse, returned to his own habitation. Ferret, finding all the beds in the public-house were occupied, composed himself to sleep in a Windsor chair at the chimney corner ; and Mr. Clarke, whose disposition was extremely amorous, resolved to renew his practises on the heart of Dolly. He had reconnoitred the apartments in which the bodies of the knight and his squire were deposited, and discovered close by the top of the staircase a sort of closet or hovel, just large enough to contain a truckle bed, which, from some other particulars, he supposed to be the bedchamber of his beloved Dolly, who had by this time retired to her repose. Full of this idea, and instigated by the demon of desire, Mr. Thomas crept softly up stairs, and lifting the latch of the closet door, his heart began to palpitate with joyous expectation ; but before he could breathe the gentle effusions of his love, the supposed damsel started up and seizing him by the collar with a Herculean gripe, uttered, in the voice of Crabshaw, " It wan't for nothing that I dreamed of Newgate, sirrah ; but I'd have thee to know, an arrant squire is not to be robbed by such a peddling thief as thee — here I'll howld thee vast, an the devil were in thy doublet — help ! murder ! vire ! help ! " It was impossible for Mr. Clarke to disengage himself, and equally impracticable to speak in his own vindication ; so that here he stood trembling and half throttled, until the whole house being alarmed, the landlady and her ostler ran up stairs with a candle. When the light rendered objects visible, an equal astonishment prevailed on all sides ; Crabshaw was confounded at sight of Mr. Clarke, whose person he well knew ; and releasing him instantly from his grasp, " Bodikins ! " cried he, " I believe as how this hause is haunted — who thought to meet with Measter Laawyer Clarke at midnight, and so far from hoam ? " The landlady could not comprehend the meaning of this encounter ; nor could Tom conceive how Crabshaw had transported himself thither from the room below, in which he saw him quietly reposed. 62 ABVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. Yet nothing was more easy than to explain this mystery : the apartment below was the chamber which the hostess and her daughter reserved for their own convenience ; and this particular having been intimated to the squire while he was at supper, he had resigned his bed quietly, and been conducted hither in the absence of the company. Tom, recollecting himself as well as he could, professed himself of Crabshaw's opinion, that the house was haunted, declaring that he could not well account for his being there in the dark ; and leaving those that were assembled to discuss this knotty point, retired down stairs in hope of meet- ing with his charmer, whom accordingly he found in the kitchen just risen, and wrapped in a loose dishabille. The noise of Crabshaw's cries had awakened and aroused his master, who, rising suddenly in the dark, snatched up his sword that lay by his bedside, and hastened to the scene of tumult, where all their mouths were opened at once, to explain the cause of the disturbance, and make an apology for breaking his honour's rest. He said nothing, but taking the candle in his hand, beckoned his squire to follow him into his apartment, resolving to arm and take horse immediately. Crabshaw understood his meaning ; and while he shuffled on his clothes, yawning hideously all the while, wished the lawyer at the devil for having visited him so unsea- sonably ; and even cursed himself for the noise he had made, in consequence of which he foresaw he should now be obliged to forfeit his night's rest, and travel in the dark, exposed to the inclemencies of the weather. " Pox rot thee, Tom Clarke, for a wicked lawyer !" said he to himself; " hadst thou been hanged at Bartlemy-tide, I should this night have slept in peace, that I should — an I would there was a blister on this plaguy tongue of mine for making such a hoUo-ballo, that I do — five gallons of cold water has my poor belly been drenched with since night fell, so as my reins and my liver are all one as if they were turned into ice, and my whole harslet shakes and shivers like a vial of quicksilver. I have been dragged, half drowned like a rotten ewe, from the bottom of a river; and who knows but I may be next dragged quite dead from the bottom of a coalpit — if so be as I am, I shall go to hell to be sure, for being consarned like in my own moorder, that I will, so I will ; for, a plague on it I I had THE KNIGHT MISSES HIS ARMOUR. 63 no business with the vagaries of this crazy-peated measter of mine, a pox on him, say I." He had just finished this soliloquy as he entered the apartment of his master, who desired to know what was become of his armour. Timothy, understanding that it had been left in the room when the knight undressed, began to scratch his head in great perplexity ; and at last declared it as his opinion, that it must have been carried off by witchcraft. Then he related his adventure with Tom Clarke, who he said was conveyed to his bedside he knew not how ; and concluded with affirming they were no better than Papishes who did not believe in witchcraft. Sir Launcelot could not help smiling at his simplicity ; but assuming a peremptory air, he commanded him to fetch the armour without delay, that he might afterwards saddle the horses, in order to prosecute their journey. Timothy retired in great tribulation to the kitchen, where finding the misanthrope, whom the noise had also disturbed, and still impressed with the notion of his being a conjurer, he offered him a shilling if he would cast a figure, and let him know what was become of his master's armour. Ferret, in hope of producing more mischief, informed him with- out hesitation, that one of the company had conveyed it into the chancel of the church, where he would now find it deposited, at the same time presenting him with the key, which Mr. Fillet had left in his custody. The squire, who was none of those who set hobgoblins at defiance, being afraid to enter the church alone at these hours, bargained with the ostler to accompany and light him with a lantern. Thus attended, he advanced to the place, where the armour lay in a heap, and loaded it upon the back of his atten- dant without molestation, the lance being shouldered over the whole. In this equipage they were just going to retire, when the ostler, hearing a noise at some distance, wheeled about with such velocity, that one end of the spear saluting Crabshaw's pate, the poor squire measured his length on the ground ; and crush- ing the lantern in his fall, the light was extinguished. The other, terrified at these effects of his own sudden motion, threw down his burden, and would have betaken himself to flight, had 64 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. not Crabshaw laid fast hold on his leg, that he himself might not be deserted. The sound of the pieces clattering on the pave- ment roused Captain Crowe from a trance or slumber, in which he had lain since the apparition vanished ; and he hallooed, or rather bellowed, with vast vociferation, Timothy and his friend were so intimidated by this terrific strain, that they thought no more of the armour, but ran home arm in arm, and appeared in the kitchen with all the marks of horror and consternation. When Sir Launcelot came forth wrapped in his cloak, and demanded his arms, Crabshaw declared that the devil had them in possession ; and this assertion was confirmed by the ostler, who pretended to know the devil by his roar. Ferret sat in his corner, maintaining the most mortifying silence, and enjoying the impatience of the knight, who in vain requested an explanation of this mystery. At length his eyes began to lighten, when seiz- ing Crabshaw in one hand, and the ostler in the other, he swore by Heaven he would dash their souls out, and raise the house to the foundation, if they did not instantly disclose the particulars of this transaction. The good woman fell on her knees, protesting, in the name of the Lord, that she was innocent as the child unborn, thof she had lent the captain a Prayer Book to learn the Lord's Prayer, a candle and lantern to light him to the church, and a couple of clean sheets, for the use of the other gentlemen. The knight was more and more puzzled by this declaration ; when Mr. Clarke, coming into the kitchen, presented himself with a low obeisance to his old patron. Sir Launcelot's anger was immediately converted into surprise. He set at liberty the squire and the ostler, and stretching out his hand to the lawyer, " My good friend Clarke," said he, " how came you hither ? Can you solve this knotty point which has involved us all in such confusion ? " Tom forthwith began a very circumstantial recapitulation of what had happened to his uncle ; in what manner he had been disappointed of the estate ; how he had accidentally seen his honour, been enamoured of his character, and become ambitious of following his example. Then he related the particulars of the plan which had been laid down to divert him from his design, and concluded with assuring the knight, that the captain was a TOM INTERCEDES FOR HIS UNCLE. 65 very honest man, though he seemed to be a little disordered in his intellects. " I believe it," replied Sir Launcelot ; " madness and honesty are not incompatible — indeed I feel it by experience." Tom proceeded to ask pardon, in his uncle's name, for having made so free with the knight's armour; and begged his honour, for the love of God, would use his authority with Crowe, that he might quit all thoughts of knight-errantry, for which he was by no means qualified ; for being totally ignorant of the laws of the land, he would be continually committing trespasses, and bring himself into trouble. He said, in case he should prove refractory, he might be apprehended by virtue of a friendly warrant, for having feloni- ously carried off the knight's accoutrements. "Taking away another man's movables," said he, "and personal goods against the will of the owner, is surium and felony according to the statute. Different indeed from robbery, which implies putting in fear in the king's highway, in alta via regia violenter et felonice captum et asportatum, in magnum terrorem, &c. ; for if the robbery be laid in the indictment, as done in quondam via pedestri, in a foot-path, the offender will not be ousted of his clergy. It must be in alta via regia; and your honour will please to take notice, that robberies committed on the river Thames are adjudged as done in alta via regia; for the king's highstream is all the same as the king's highway." Sir Launcelot could not help smiling at Tom's learned investi- gation. He congratulated him on the progress he had made in the study of the law. He expressed his concern at the strange turn the captain had taken, and promised to use his influence in persuading him to desist from the preposterous design he had formed. The lawyer, thus assured, repaired immediately to the church, accompanied by the squire, and held a parley with his uricle, who, when he understood that the knight in person desired a con- ference, surrendered up the arms quietly, and returned to the public-house. Sir Launcelot received the honest seaman with his usual com- placency ; and perceiving great discomposure in his looks, said, he was sorry to hear he had passed such a disagreeable night to so little purpose. Crowe, having recruited his spirits with a E 66 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. bumper of brandy, thanked him for his concern, and observed, that he had passed many a hard mght in his time ; but such another as this, he would not, be bound to weather for the com- mand of the whole British navy. " I have seen Davy Jones in the shape cff a blue flame, d'ye see, hopping to and fro on the sprit- sail yard arm ; and I've seen your Jacks o' the Lanthom, and Wills o' the Wisp, and many such spirits, both by sea and land. But to-night I've been boarded by all the devils and d — ned souls in hell, squeaking and squalling, and glimmering and , glaring. Bounce went the door— crack went the pew — crash came the tacWe — white-sheeted ghosts dancing in one corner by the glow- worm's light — black devils hobbling in another — Lord have mercy upon us ! and I was hailed, Tpm, I was, by my grandmother Jane, and my aunt Bridget, d'ye see — a couple of d — rned — but they're roasting ; that's one comfort, my lad." When he had thus disburdened his conscience, Sir Launcelot introduced tl^e subject of the new occupation at which he aspired. " I understand," said he, "that you are desirous of trea.ding the paths of errantry, which, I assure you, are thorny and troublesome. Nevertheless, as your purpose is to exercise your humanity and benevolence, so your ambition is commendable. But toward^ .the practice of chivalry, there is something more required than the virtues of courage and generosity. A knight-errant ought to understand the sciences, to be master of ethics or morality, to be weU versed in theology, a complete casuist, and minutely acquainted with the laws of his country. He should not only be patient of cold, hunger, and fatigue, .righteous, just, and valiant, but also chaste, religious, temperate, polite, and conversable ; and have all his passions under the rein, except love, whose empire he should submissively acknowledge." He said, this was the very essence of chivalry; and no man had ever made such a profession of arms, without first having placed his affection upon some beau- teous object, for whose honour, and at whose command, he would cheerfully encounter the most dreadful perils. He took notice, that nothing could be more irregular than the manner in which Crowe had attempted to keep his vigil. For he had never served his novitiate-^he had not prepared himself with abstinence and prayer — he had not provided a qualified god- SIR LAUNCELOT TAKES LEAVE OF THE COMPANY. 6/ rr — . — - ■ - father for the ceremony of dubbing — he had no armour of his own to wake ; but, on the very threshold of chivalry, which is the perfection of justice, had unjustly, purloined the arm§ of another knight. That this was a mere mockery of a religious institution, and therefore unpleasing in the sight of Heaven; witness the demons and hobgoblins that were permitted to disr turb and torment him in his trial. Crowe having listened to these remarks with, earnest attention replied, after some hesitation, " I am bound to you, brother, for your kind and Christian, counsel-r-I doubt as how I've steered by a wrong chart, d'ye see — as for the matter of the sciences, to be sure, , I know Plain Sailing and Mercator ; and am an indifferent good seaman, thof I say it that should not say it. But as to all the rest, no better than the viol-block or the geer-capstan. Religion I han't much overhauled ; and we tars laugh at your polite conversation, thof, mayhap, we can chaunt a few ballads to keep the hands awake; in the night watch; then for chastity, brother, I doubt that's not expected in a sdilor just come a-shore, after a long voyage— ^sure all those poor hearts wont be d: — ned for steering in the wake of nature. As for a sweetheart. Bet Mizen of St. Catherine's would fit me to a haiir— ^she and I are old messmates ; and what signifies talking, brother,^ she knows already the trim of my vessel, d'ye see. He concluded with saying, he thought he wa'n't too old to learn; and if Sir Lauftcelot would take him in tow as hiS' tender, he would stand by him all weathers, and it should not cost his consort a farthing's expense. The knight said, he did not think himself of consequence enough to have such a pupil, but should always be ready to give him his best advice ; as a specimen of which, he exhorted him to weigh all the circumstances, and deliberate calmly and leisurely, before he actually, engaged in such a boisterous profession ; assuring him, that if, at the end of three months, his resolution should continue, he would take upon himself the office of his instructor. In the meantime he gratified the hostess for his lodging, put on his armour, took leave of the company, and mounting Bronzomarte, proceeded southerly, being attended by his squire Crabshaw, grumbling on the back of Gilbert, 68 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. CHAPTER VIII. Which is within a hair'sbreadth of proving highly interesting. Leaving Captain Crowe and his nephew for the present, though they, and even the misanthrope, will reappear in due season, we are now obliged to attend the progress of the knight, who proceeded in a southerly direction, insensible of the storm that blew, as well as of the darkness, which was horrible. For some time, Crabshaw ejaculated curses in silence ; till at length his anger gave way to his fear, which waxed so strong upon him, that he could no longer resist the desire of alleviating it, by entering into a conversation with his master. By way of intro- duction, he gave Gilbert the spur, directing him towards the flank of Bronzomarte, which he encountered with such a shock, that the knight was almost dismounted. When Sir Launcelot, with some warmth, asked the reason of this attack, the squire replied in these words : " The devil, God bless us ! mun be playing his pranks with Gilbert too, as sure as I'm a living soul — I'se wager a teaster, the foul fiend has left the seaman, and got into Gilbert, that he has — ^when a has passed through an ass and a horse, I'se marvel what beast a will get into next." — "Probably into a mule," said the knight ; " in that case, you will be in some danger — but I can, at any time, dispossess you with known- in London,, he; was come to wait upon him, and if possible, effect an accommodation. Our adventurer having' thanked him for the polite and. obliging manner in which he proceeded, frankly told him the whole story, as it ha^ been just related by the .Captain; and Mr. Elmy, had no reason to idpubt, the truth of the narrative, as it confirmed every circumstance which; Clarke had before reported. Indeed, Tom had been very communicative to this gentleman, and madq him acquainted with the whole history of - Sir Launcelot Greaves, as well as with the whimsical resolution of his uncle. Captain Crowe. Mr, Elmy now tpld the knight, that the persons whom SIR LAUNCELOT AND CROWE BEFORE THE JUSTICE. 151 the captain had stopped were farmers, returning from a neigh- bouring market, a set of people naturally boorish, and at that time elevated with ale to an uncommon pitch of insolence : that one of them, in particular, called Prickle, was the most quarrel- some fellow in the whole county ; and so litigious, that he had maintained above thirty law-suits, in eight-and-twenty of which he had been condemned in costs. He said the others might be easily influenced in the way of admonition ; but there was no way of dealing with Prickle, except by the form and authority of the law. He therefore proposed to hear evidence in a judicial capacity, and his clerk being in attendance, the court was immedi- ately opened in the knight's apartment. By this time Mr. Clarke had made such good use of his time in explaining the law to his audience, and displaying the great wealth and unbounded liberality of Sir Launcelot Greaves, that he had actually brought over to his sentiments the constable and the commonalty, tag, rag, and bob-tail, and even staggered the majority of the farmers, who, at first, had breathed nothing but defiance and revenge. Farmer Stake being first called to the bar, and sworn touching the identity of Sir Launcelot Greaves and Captain Crowe, declared, that the said Crowe had stopped him on the king's highway, and put him in bodily fear : that he afterwards saw the said Crowe with a pole or weapon, value three-pence, breaking the king's peace, by committing assault and battery against the heads and shoulders of his majesty's liege subjects, GeoflEirey Prickle, Hodge Dolt, Richard Bumpkin, Mary Fang, Catherine Rubble, and Margery Litter; and that he saw Sir Launcelot Greaves, Baronet, aiding, assisting, and comforting the said Crowe, contrary to the king's peace, and against the form of the statute. Being asked if the defendant, when he stopped them, demanded their money, or threatened violence, he answered he could not say, inasmuch as the defendant spoke in an unknown language. Being interrogated if the defendant did not allow them to pass without using any violence, and if they did not pass unmolested ; the deponent replied in the affirmative. Being required to tell for what reason they returned, and if the defendant Crowe was not assaulted before he began to use his weapon, the deponent 152 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES. made no answer. The depositions of farmer Bumpkin and Muggins, as well as of Madge Litter and Mary Fang, were taken to much the same purpose ; and his worship earnestly exhorted them to an accommodation, observing, that they themselves were in fact the aggressors, and that Captain Crowe had done no more than exerted himself in his own defence. They were all pretty well disposed to follow his advice, except farmer Prickle, who, entering the court with a bloody handker- chief about his head, declared that the law should determine it at next 'size ; and in the meantime insisted that the defendants should find immediate bail, or go to prison, or be set in the stocks. He affirmed that they had been guilty of an affray, in appearing with armour and weapons not usually worn, to the terror of others, which is in itself a breach of the peace; but that they had, moreover, with force of arms, that is to say, with swords, staves, and other warlike instruments, by turns, made an assault and affray, to the terror and disturbance of him and divers subjects of our lord the king, then and there being, and to the evil and pernicious example of the liege people of the said lord the king, and against the peace of our said lord the king, his crown and dignity. The peasant had purchased a few law terms at a considerable expense, and he thought he had a right to turn his knowledge to the annoyance of all his neighbours. Mr. Elmy, finding him obstinately deaf to all proposals of accommodation, held the defendants to very moderate bail, the landlord and the curate of the parish freely offering themselves as sureties. Mr. Clarke, with Timothy Crabshaw, against whom nothing appeared, were now set at liberty ; when the former, advancing to his worship, gave information against Geoffrey Prickle, and declared upon oath that he had seen him assault Captain Crowe without any provocation ; and when he, the deponent, interposed to prevent further mischief, the said Prickle had likewise assaulted and wounded him the deponent, and detained him for some time in false imprisonment, without warrant or authority. In consequence of this information, which was corroborated by divers evidences, selected from the mob at the gate, the tables v.ere turned upon farmer Prickle, who was given to understand, THE PRICE OF FORTY OATHS. 153 that he must either find bail, or be forthwith imprisoned. This honest boor, who was in opulent circumstances, had made such popular use of the benefits he possessed that there was not a house- keeper in the parish who would not have rejoiced to see him hanged. His dealings and connections, however, were such, that none of the other four would have refused to bail him, had not Clarke given them to understand that, if they did, he would make them all principals and parties, and have two separate actions against each. Prickle happened to be at variance with the innkeeper, and the curate durst not disoblige the vicar, who at that very time was suing the farmer for the small tithes. He offered to deposit a sum equal to the recognisance of the knight's bail ; but this was rejected, as an expedient contrary to the practice of the courts. He sent for the attorney of the village, to whom he had been a good customer; but the lawyer was hunting evidence in another county. The exciseman presented himself as a surety ; but he not being an housekeeper, was not accepted. Divers cottagers, who depended on farmer Prickle, were successively refused, because they could not prove that they had paid scot and lot, and parish taxes. The farmer, finding himself thus forlorn, and in imminent danger of visiting the inside of a prison, was seized with a paroxysm of rage, during which he inveighed against the bench, reviled the two adventurers errant, declared that he believed, and would lay a wager of twenty guineas, that he had more money in his pocket than e'er a man in the company ; and in the space of a quarter of an hour, swore forty oaths, which the justice did not fail to number. " Before we proceed to other matters," said Mr. Elmy, " I order you to pay forty shillings for the oaths you have sworn, otherwise I will cause you to be set in the stocks without further ceremony." Prickle, throwing down a couple of guineas, with two execra- tions more to make up the sum, declared that he could afford to pay for swearing as well as e'er a justice in the county, and repeated his challenge of the wager, which our adventurer now accepted, protesting, at the same time, that it was not a step taken from any motive of pride, but entirely with a view to punish an insolent plebeian, who could not otherwise be chastised without 154 ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES.^ a breach of the peace. Twenty guineas being deposited on each side in the hands of Mr. Elmy, Prickle, with equal confidence and despatch, produced a canvas bag, containing two hundred and seventy pounds, which, being spread upon the table, made a very formidable show, that dazzled the eyes of the beholders, and induced many of them to believe he had ensured his con- quest. Our adventurer, asking if he had anything further to offer, and being answered in the negative, drew forth, with great delibera- tion, a pocket-book, in which there was a considerable parcel of bank-notes, from which he selected three of one hundred pounds each, and exhibited them upon the table, to the astonishment of all present. Prickle, mad with his overthrow and loss, said, it might be necessary to make him prove the notes were honestly come by; and Sir Launcelot started up, in order to take ven- geance upon him for this insult, but was withheld by the arms and remonstrances of Mr. Elmy, who assured him that Prickle desired nothing so much as another broken head, to lay the foundation of a new prosecution. The knight, calmed by this interposition, turned to the audience, saying, with the most affable deportment, " Good people, do not imagine that I intend to .pocket the spoils of such a contemptible rascal. I shall beg the favour of this worthy gentleman to take up these twenty guineas, and distribute them as he shall think proper among the poor of the parish ; but, by this benefaction, I do not hold myself acquitted for the share I had in the bruises some of you have received in this unlucky fray, and therefore I give the other twenty guineas to be divided among the sufferers, to each according to the damage he or she shall appear to have sustained ; and I shall consider it as an additional obligation, if Mr. Elmy will likewise superintend this retribution." At the close of this address, the whole yard and gate-way rung with acclamation, while honest Crowe, whose generosity was not inferior even to that of the accomplished Greaves, pulled out his purse, and declared, that, as he had begun the engage- ment, he would at least go share and share aUke in new caulking their seams, and . repairing their timbers. The knightj rather than enter into a dispute with his novice, told him he considered PRICKLE IS EFFECTUALLY HUMBLED. 155 the twenty guineas as given by them both in conjunction, and that they would confer together on that subject hereafter. This point being adjusted, Mr. Elmy assumed all the solemnity of the magistrate, and addressed himself to Prickle in these words : " Farmer Prickle, I am both sorry and ashamed to see a man of your years and circumstances so little respected, that you cannot find sufficient bail for forty pounds ; a sure testimony that you have neither cultivated the friendship, nor deserved the good-will of your neighbours. I have heard of your quarrels and your riots, your insolence and litigious disposition, and often wished for an opportunity of giving you a proper taste of the law's cor- rection. That opportunity now offers ; you have, in the hearing of all these people, poured forth a torrent of abuse against me, both in the character of a gentleman, and of a magistrate. Your abusing me personally perhaps I should have overlooked with the contempt it deserves, but I should ill vindicate the dignity of my office as a magistrate, by suffering you to insult the bench with impunity. I shall therefore imprison you for contempt, and you shall remain in gaol until you can find bail on the other pro- secutions. Prickle, the first transports of his anger having subsided, began to be pricked with the thorns of compunction ; he was indeed extremely mortified at the prospect of being sent to gaol so dis- gracefully. His countenance fell; and, after a hard internal struggle, while the clerk was employed in writing the mittimus, he said he hoped his worship would not send him to prison. He begged pardon of him, and our adventurers, for having abused them in his, passion ; and observed, that, as he had received a broken hea he cursed him in his heart, and was known to ejacu- late, '* kiss my a — e, Taycho ; " but little did he think the orator would one day stoop to this compliance. He now saw that inso- THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. JOJ lent foul-mouthed demagogue ministering with the utmost servility to his pleasure and ambition. He filled his bags with the treasures of Japan, as if by enchantment ; so that he could now gratify his own profuse temper without stint or control. He took upon himself the whole charge of the administration ; and left Fika-kaka to the full enjoyment of his own sensuality, thus divested of all its thorns. It was the contemplation of these circumstances, which inspired the Cuboy with a belief that the devil was concerned in producing this astonishing calm of felicity ; and that his infernal highness would require of him some extra- ordinary sacrifice for the extraordinary favours he bestowed. He could not help suspecting the sincerity of Taycho's attach- ment, because it seemed altogether unnatural; and if his soul was to be the sacrifice, he wished to treat with Satan as a prin- cipal. Full of this idea, he had recourse to his Bonzas, as the most likely persons to procure him such an interview with the prince of darkness, as should not be attended with immediate danger to his corporeal parts; but, upon inquiry, he found there was not one conjurer among them all. Some of them made a merit of their ignorance ; pretended they could not in conscience give application to an art which must have led them into com- munication with demons; others insisted there was no such thing as the devil, and this opinion seemed to be much relished by the Cuboy ; the rest frankly owned they knew nothing at all of the matter. For my part. Peacock, I not only know there is a devil, but I likewise know that he has marked out nineteen-twentieths of the people of this metropolis for his prey. How now ! You shake, sirrah ! You have some reason, considering the experi- ments you have been trying in the way of sorcery ; turning the sieve and shears ; mumbling gibberish over a goose's liver stuck with pins ; pricking your thumbs and writing mystical characters v/ith your blood ; forming spells with sticks laid across ; reading prayers backwards ; and invoking the devil by the name, style, and title of Sathan, Abrasax, Adpnai, I know what communi- cation you had with Goody Thrusk at Camberwell, who under- took, for three shillings and fourpence, to convey you on a broomstick to Norway, where the devil was to hold a conven- ticle ; but you boggled at crossing the sea, without such security 304 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. for your person as the beldame could not give. I remember you poring over the treatise De volucri arborea, until you had well nigh lost your wits ; and your intention to enrol yourself in the Rosicrusian society, until your intrigue with the tripewoman in Thieving Lane destroyed your pretensions to chastity. Then you cloaked your own wickedness with an affectation of scepti- cism, and declared there never was any such existence as devil, demon, spirit, or goblin, nor any such art as magic, necromancy, sorcery, or witchcraft. O infidel 1 hast thou never heard of the three divisions of magic into natural, artificial, and diabolical? The first of these is no more than medicine, hence the same word Pharmacopola signified both a wiseacre and apothecary. To the second belong the glass sphere of Archimedes, the flying wooden pigeon of Archytus, the emperor Leo's singing birds of gold, Boetius the Consolator's flying birds of brass, hissing serpents of the same metal, and the famous speaking head of Albertus Magnus. The last, which we call diabolical, depends upon the evocation of spirits ; such was the art exercised by the magicians of Pharaoh, as well as by that conjurer recorded by Gasper Feucerus, who animated the dead carcass of a famous female harper in Bologna, in such a manner, that she played upon her instrument as well as ever she had done in her life, until another magician removing the charm, which had been placed in her arm- pits, the body fell down deprived of all motion. It is by such means that conjurers cure distempers with charms and amulets ; that, according to St. Isidore, they confound the elements, dis- turb the understanding, slay without poison or any perceptible wound, call up devils, and learn from them how to torment their enemies. Magic was known even to the ancient Romans. Cato teaches us how to charm a dislocated bone, by repeating these mystical words, Incipe cantare in alto, S.F. motas donata dardaries Astotaries, die una parite dum coeunt, &c. Besides, the virtues of Abracadabra are well known ; though the meaning of the word has puzzled some of the best critics of the last age; such as WendeUnus, Scaliger, Saumaise, and Father Kircher; not to mention the ancient physician Serenus Sammonicus, who describes the disposition of these characters in hexameter verse. I might here launch out into a very learned dissertation to prove that this THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. $0$ very Serenus formed the word Abracadabra from the Greek word Affpatra^i a name by which Basilides the Egyptian heretic defined the Deity, as the letters of it imply 365, the number of days in the year. This is the word still fair and legible on one of the two talismans found in the seventeenth century, of which Baronius gives us the figure in the second volume of his Annals. By the by, Peacock, you must take notice, that the figure of St. George encountering the dragon, which is the symbol of the order of the Garter, and at this day distinguishes so many inns, taverns, and alehouses in this kingdom, was no other originally than the device of an abraxas or amulet wore by the Basilidians, as a charm against infection, for, by the man on horseback killing the dragon, was typified the sun purifying the air, and dispersing the noxious vapours from the earth. An abraxas marked with this device, is exhibited by Montfaucon out of the collection of Sig. Capello. This symbol, improved by the cross on the top of the spear, was afterwards adopted by the Christian crusards as a badge of their religious warfare, as well as an amulet to ensure victory ; the cross alluding to Constantine's labarum, with the motto, €v TovT(o viKa, " In this you shall conquer." The figure on horseback they metamorphosed into St. George, the same with George the Arian, who at one time was reckoned a martyr, and maintained a place in the Roman Martyrology, from which he and others were erased by Pope Gelasius in the fifth century, because the accounts of their martyrdom were written by heretics. This very George, while he officiated as Bishop of Alexandria, having ordered a temple of the god Mythras to be purified, and converted into a Christian church, found in the said temple this emblem of the sun, which the Persians adored under the name of Mythras; and with the addition of the cross, metamorphosed it into a symbol of Christian warfare against idolatry. It was on this occasion that the Pagans rose against George, and murdered him with the utmost barbarity; and from this circumstance he became a saint and martyr, and the amulet or abraxas became his badge of distinction. The cross was considered as such a sure protection in battle, that every sword-hilt was made in this form, and every warrior, before he engaged, kissed it in token of devotion : hence the phrase, " I kiss your hilt," which is some- U 306 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM, times used even at this day. With respect to the mystical words, ABEACA2, IAO, AOONAI, which are found upon those amulets, and supposed to be of Hebrew extract, though in the Greek character of termination ; if thou wouldst know their real signification, thou mayest consult the learned De Croy, in his Treatise concerning the genealogies of the Gnostics. Thou wilt find it at the end of St. Irengeus's works, published by Grabius at Oxford. But, to return to magic, thou must have heard of the famous Albertus Magnus de Bolstadt, who indifferently exercised the pro- fessions of a conjurer, bawd, and man-midwife ; who forged the celebrated Androides, or brazen head, which pronounced oracles, and solved questions of the utmost difficulty : nor can the fame of Henry CorneUus Agrippa have escaped thee ; he, who wrote the Treatises De occulta Philosophia; et de ccecis Ceremoniis ; who kept his demon secured with an enchanted iron collar, in the shape of a black dog ; which black dog being dismissed in his last moments with these words, Abiperdita bestia quce me totumperdtdisti, plunged itself in the river Soame, and immediately disappeared. But what need of those profane instances, to prove the existence of magicians who held communication with the devil ? Don't we read in the Scripture of the magicians of Pharaoh and Manasses; of the witch of Endor ; of Simon and Barjesus, magicians ; and of that sorceress, of whose body the apostle Paul dispossessed the devil ? Have not the fathers mentioned magicians and sorcerers ? Have not different councils denounced anathemas against them ? Hath not the civil law decreed punishments to be inflicted upon those convicted of the black art ? Have not all the tribunals in France, England, and particularly in Scotland, condemned many persons to the stake for sorceries, on the fullest evidence, nay, even on their own confession ? Thou thyself mayest almost remember the havoc that was made among the sorcerers in one of the English colonies in North America, by Dr. Encrease Mather, and Dr. Cotton Mather, those luminaries of the New England Church, under the authority and auspices of Sir William Phipps, that flower of knighthood, and mirror of governors, who, not con- tented with living witnesses, called in the assistance of spectral evidence, to the conviction of those diabolical delinquents. This THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 307 was a hint, indeed, which he borrowed from the famous trial of Urban Grandier, canon of Loudon in France, who was duly con- victed of magic, upon the depositions of the devils Astaroth, Eusas, Celsus, Acaos, Cedon, Asmodeus, Ah'x, Zabulon, Nepthalim, Cham, Uriel, and Achas. I might likewise refer thee to King James's History of Witchcraft, wherein it appears, upon uncon- trovertible evidence, that the devil not only presided in person at the assemblies of those wise women, but even condescended to be facetious, and often diverted them by dancing and playing gambols with a lighted candle in his breech. I might bid thee recollect the authenticated account of the Earl of Cowry's con- spiracy against the said king, in which appears the deposition of a certain person, certifying that the Earl of Gowry had studied the black art ; that he wore an amulet about his person of such efficacy, that although he was run several times through the body, not one drop of blood flowed from the wounds until those mystical characters were removed. Finally, I could fill whole volumes with undeniable facts, to prove the existence of magic ; but what I have said shall suffice. I must only repeat it again, that there was not one magician, conjurer, wizard, or witch, among all the Bonzas of Japan, whom the Cuboy consulted : a circumstance that astonished him the more, as divers of them, notwithstanding their beards, were shrewdly suspected to be old women ; and till that time, an old woman with a beard upon her chin had been always considered as an agent of the devil. It was the nature of Fika-kaka to be impatient and impetuous. Perceiving that none of his Bonzas had any communication with the devil, and that many of them doubted whether there was any such personage as the devil, he began to have sopie doubts about his own soul : " For if there is no devil," said he, " there is no soul to be damned ; and it would be a reproach to the justice of Heaven, to suppose that all souls are to be saved, considering what rascally stuff mankind are made of." This was an inference which gave him great disturbance ; for he was one of those who would rather encounter eternal damnation, than run any risk of being anni- hilated. He therefore assembled all those among the Bonzas who had the reputation of being great philosophers and meta- physicians, in order to hear their opinions concerning the nature 3o8 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. of the soul. The first reverend sage who delivered himself on this mysterious subject, having stroked his grey beard, and hemmed thrice with great solemnity, declared that the soul was an animal ; a second pronounced it to be the number three, or proportion ; a third contended for the number seven, or harmony ; a fourth defined the soul the universe; a fifth affirmed it was a mixture of elements ; a sixth asserted it was composed oifire; a seventh opined it was formed of water; an eighth called it an essence; a ninth, an idea; a tenth, stickled for substance without extension; an eleventh, for extension without substance; a twelfth cried it was an accident; a thirteenth called it a reflecting mirror; a fourteenth, the image reflected; a fifteenth insisted upon its being a tune; a sixteenth believed it was the instrument that played the tune; a seventeenth undertook to prove it was material; an eighteenth exclaimed it was immaterial; a nineteenth allowed it was something; and a twentieth swore it was nothing. By this time all the individuals that composed this learned assembly spoke together, with equal eagerness and vociferation. The volubility with which a great number of abstruse and unintelli- gible terms and definitions were pronounced and repeated, not only resembled the confusion of Babel, but they had just the same effect upon the brain of Fika-kaka, as is generally produced in weak heads, by looking steadfastly at a mill-wheel or a vortex, or any other object in continual rotation. He grew giddy, ran three times round, aud dropped down in the midst of the Bonzas, deprived of sense and motion. When he recovered so far as to be able to reflect upon what had happened, he was greatly dis- turbed with the terror of annihilation, as he had heard nothing said in the consultation which could give him any reason to believe there was such a thing as an immortal soul. In this emergency, he sent for his counsellor Mura-clami, and when that lawyer entered his chamber, exclaimed, " My dear Mura, as I have a soul to be saved ! — A soul to be saved ! — ay, there's the rub ! — the devil a soul have I ! Those Bonzas are good for nothing but to kiss my a — e ; a parcel of ignorant asses ! Pox on their philosophy ! Instead of demonstrating the immortality of the soul, they have plainly proved the soul is a chimera, a Will-o'-the-wisp, a bubble, a term, a word, a nothing ! My dear THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 309 Mura ! prove but that 1 have a soul, and I shall be contented to be damned to all eternity I " " If that be the case," said the other, " your Quambukuship may set your heart at rest : for, if you proceed to govern this empire, in conjunction with Taycho, as you have begun, it will become a point of eternal justice to give you an immortal soul (if you have not one already), that you may undergo eternal punishment, according to your demerits." The Cuboy was much comforted by this assurance, and returned to his former occupations with redoubled ardour. He continued to confer benefices on his back-friends, the Bonzas ; to regulate the whole army of tax-gatherers ; to bribe the tribunes, the cen- turions, the decuriones, and all the inferior mob-drivers of the empire ; to hire those pipers who were best skilled in making the multitude dance, and find out the ablest artists to scratch their long ears, and tickle their noses. These toils were sweetened by a variety of enjoyments. He possessed all the pomp of ostenta- tion ; the vanity of levees, the pride of power, the pleasure of adulation, the happiness of being kicked by his sovereign and kissed by his Bonzas ; and, above all, the delights of the stomach and the close-stool, which recurred in perpetual succession, and which he seemed to enjoy with a particular relish : for, it must be observed, to the honour of Fika-kaka, that what he eagerly received at one end, he as liberally refunded at the other. But as the faculties of his mind were insufficient to digest the great- ness of power which had fallen to his share, so were the organs of his body unable to concoct the enormous mass of aliments which he so greedily swallowed. He laboured under an indiges- tion of both ; and the vague promises which went upwards, as well as the murmurs that passed the other way, were no other than eruptive crudities arising from the defects of his soul and body. As for Taycho, he confined himself to the management of the war. He recalled the general in chief from Fatsissio, because he had not done that which he could not possibly do ; but, instead of sending another on whose abilities he could depend, he allowed the direction of the armaments to devolve upon the second in command, whose character he could not possibly know, because, indeed, he was too obscure tq hftv^ ?ny character ^\ ^1. The 3IO THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. fruits of his sagacity soon appeared. The new general, Abra- moria, having reconnoitred a post of the enemy, which was found too strong to be forced, attacked it without hesitation, and his troops were repulsed and routed with considerable slaughter. It was lucky for Taycho that the tidings of this disaster were qualified by the news of two other advantages which the arms of Japan had gained. A separate corps of troops, under Yaf-frai and Ya-loff, reduced a strong Chinese fortress in the neighbour- hood of Fatsissip ; and a body of Japanese, headed by a factor called Ka-liff, obtained a considerable victory at Fla-sao, in the farther extremity of Tartary, where a trading company of Meaco possessed a commercial settlement. The Hydra of Meaco began to shake its numerous heads, and growl, when it heard of Abra- moria's defeat. At that instant, one of its leaders exclaimed, " Bless thy long ears ! It was not Taycho that recommended Abra-moria to this command. He was appointed by the FatZT man." This was true. It was likewise true that Taycho had allowed him quietly to succeed to the command, without knowing anything of his abilities ; it was equally true that Taycho was an utter stranger to Yaf-frai and Ya-lofF, who took the fortress, as well as to the factor Ka-liff, who obtained the victory at the farther end of Tartary. Nevertheless the beast cried aloud, "Hang Abra-moria, and a fig for the Fatzman. But let the praise of Taycho be magnified ! It was Taycho that subdued the fortress in the Isle Ka-frit-o. It was Taycho that defeated the enemy at Fla-sao. Yaf-frai has slain his thousands ; Ya-loff has slain his five thousands ; but Taycho had slain his ten thousands." Taychp had credit not only for the success of the Japanese arms, but likewise for the victories of Brut-an-tifH, who had lately been much beholden to fortune. I have already observed what a noise that Tartar made when the Fatzman of Japan found him- self obliged to capitulate with the Chinese general. In con- sequence of that event, the war was already at an end with respect to the Japanese, on the continent of Tartary. The Emperor of China took possession of the farm of-Yesso; the peasants quietly submitted to their new masters; and those very freebooting Tartar chiefs, who had sold their subjects as soldiers, to serve under thg p^tzifian, had already agree^ |q send the very THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 31I same mercenaries into the army of China. It was at this juncture that Brut-an-tiffi exalted his throat. In the preceding campaign he had fought with various success. One of his generals had given battle to the Mantchoux Tartars, and each side claimed the victory. Another of his leaders had been defeated and taken by the Ostrog. The Chinese had already advanced to the frontiers of Brut-an-tiffi's dominions. In this dilemma he exerted himself with equal activity and address : he repulsed the Chinese army with considerable loss ; and, in the space of one month after this action, gained a victory over the general of the Ostrog. These advantages rendered him insufiferably arrogant. He exclaimed against the Fatzman ; he threatened the Dairo ; and, as I have taken notice above, a new army was raised at the expense of Japan, to defend him from all future invasions of the Chinese. Already the Tartar General Bron-xi-tic, who was vested at his desire with the command of the mercenary army of Japan, had given a severe check to a strong body of the Chinese, and even threatened to carry the war into the empire of China ; but his progress was soon stopped, and he was forced to retreat in his turn towards the farm of Yesso. But from nothing did orator Taycho reap a fuller harvest of praise, than from the conquest of Tzin-khall, a settlement of the Chinese on the coast of Terra AustraUs; which conquest was planned by a Banyan merchant of Meaco, who had traded on that coast, and was particularly known to the king of the country. This royal savage was uneasy at the neighbourhood of the Chinese, and conjured the merchant, whose name was Thum-Khumm-qua, to use his influence at the court of, Meaco, that an armament should be equipped against the settlement of Tzin-khall, he himself solemnly promising to co- operate in the reduction of it with all his forces. Thum-Khumm- qua, whose zeal for the good of his country got the better of all his prudential maxims, did not fail to represent this object in the most interesting points of view. He demonstrated to Taycho the importance of the settlement; that it abounded with slaves, ivory, gold, and a precious gum which was not to be found in any other part of the world ; a gum in great request all over Asia, and particularly among the Japanese, who were obliged to purchase it in time of war at second-hand from their enemies the 312 THE ADVENTURES OP AN ATOM. Chinese, at an exorbitant price. He demonstrated that the loss of this settlement would be a terrible wound to the Emperor of China ; and proved that the conquest of it could be achieved at a very trifling expense. He did more. Though by the maxims of his sect he was restrained from engaging in any military enter- prise, he offered to conduct the armament in person, in order the more effectually to keep the king of the country steady to his engagements. Though the scheme was in itself plausible and practicable, Mr. Orator Taycho shuffled and equivocated until the season for action was past. But Thum-Khumm-qua was indefatigable. He exhorted, he pressed, he remonstrated, he complained, and besieged the orator's house in such a manner, that Taycho at length, in order to be rid of his importunity, granted his request. A small armament was fitted out; the Banyan embarked in it, leaving his own private affairs in con- fusion ; and the settlement was reduced according to his predic- tion. When the news of this conquest arrived at Meaco, the multifarious beast brayed hoarse applause, and the minister Taycho was magnified exceedingly. As for Thum-Khumm-qua, whose private fortune was consumed in the expedition, all the recompense he received was the consciousness of having served his country. In vain he reminded Taycho of his promises ; in vain he recited the minister's own letters, in which he had given his word that the Banyan should be liberally rewarded, according to the importance of his services. Taycho was both deaf and blind to all his remonstrances and representations; and, at last, fairly flung the door in his face. Such was the candour and the gratitude of the incomparable Taycho. The poor projector Thum-Khumm-qua found himself in a piteous case, while the whole nation resounded with joy for the conquest which his sagacity had planned, and his zeal carried into execution. He was not only abandoned by the minister Taycho, but also renounced by the whole sect of the Banyans, who looked upon him as a wicked apostate, because he had been concerned with those who fought with the arm of flesh. It was lucky for him that he afterwards found favour with a subsequent minister, who had not adopted all the maxims of his predecessor Taycho. The only measures which this egregious demagogue THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 313 could hitherto properly call his own, were these ; his subsidiary treaty with Brut-an-tiffi ; his raising an immense army of mer-t cenaries to act in Tartary for the benefit of that prince ; his exacting an incredible sum of money from the people of Japan ; and, finally, two successive armaments which he had sent to annoy the sea coasts of China. I have already given an account of the first, the intent which was frustrated by a mistake in the perspectives. The other was more fortunate in the beginning. Taycho had, by the force of his genius, discovered that nothing so effectually destroyed the oiled paper which the Chinese used in their windows instead of glass, as the gold coin called Oban, when discharged from a military engine at a proper distance. He found that gold was more compact, more heavy, more malleable, and more manageable, than any other metal or sub- stance that he knew ; he therefore provided a great quantity of obans, and a good body of slingers, and these being conveyed to the coast of China in a squadron of Fune, as none of the Chinese appeared to oppose these hostilities, a select number of the troops were employed to make ducks and drakes with the obans, on the supposition that this diversion would allure the enemy to the sea side, where they might be knocked on the head without further trouble, but the care of their own safety got the better of their curiosity on this occasion, and fifty thousand obans were expended in this manner without bringing one Chinese from his lurking-hole. Considerable damage was done to the windows of the enemy. Then the forces were landed in a village which they found deserted. Here they burned some fishing-boats, and from hence they carried off some military machines, which were brought to Meaco, and conveyed through the streets in procession, amidst the acclamations of the Hydra, who sung the praise of Taycho. Elevated by this triumph, the minister sent forth the same armament a second time under a new gefneral of his own choosing, whose name was Hyhb-bib, who had long entertained an opinion that the inhabitants of China were not beings of flesh and blood, but mere fantastic shadows, who could neither offend nor be offended. Full of this opinion he made a descent on the coast of that empire, and to convince his followers that his notion was right, he advanced some leagues into the 314 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. country, without having taken any precautions to secure a retreat, leaving the Fune at anchor upon an open beach. Some people alleged that he depended upon the sagacity of an engineer recom- mended to him by Taycho, which engineer had such an excellent nose that he could smell a Chinese at the distance of ten leagues, but it seems the scent failed him at this juncture. Perhaps the Chinese general had trailed rusty bacon and other odoriferous substances to confound his sense of smelling. Perhaps no dew had fallen over-night, and a strong breeze blew towards the enemy. Certain it is, Hylib-bib in the evening received repeated intel- ligence that he was within half a league of a Chinese general, at the head of a body of troops greatly superior in number to the Japanese forces which he himself commanded. He still believed it was all illusion, and when he heard their drums beat, declared it was no more than a ridiculous enchantment. He thought proper, however, to retreat towards the sea-side, but this he did with great deliberation, after having given the enemy fair notice by beat of drum. His motions were so slow that he took seven hours to march three miles. When he reached the shore where the Fune were at anchor, he saw the whole body of the Chinese drawn up on a rising ground r6ady to begin the attack. He ordered his rear-guard to face about, on the supposition that the phantoms would disappear as soon as they showed their faces, but finding himself mistaken, and perceiving some of his own people to drop, in consequence of missiles that came from the enemy, he very calmly embarked with his van, leaving his rear to amuse the Chinese, by whom they were, in less than five minutes, either massacred or taken. From this small disgrace the general deduced two important corollaries ; first, that the Chinese were actually material beings, capable of impulsion ; and, secondly, that his engineer's nose was not altogether infallible. The people of Meaco did not seem to relish the experiments by which these ideas were ascertained. The monster was heard to grunt in different streets of the metropolis, and these notes of discontent produced the usual effect in the bowels of Fika-kaka, but orator Taycho had his flowers of rhetoric and his bowl of mandragora in readiness. He assured them that Hylib-bib should be employed for the future in keeping sheep on the island of Xic6co, and the engineer be sent THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM, 31 5 to hunt truffles on the mountains of Ximo. Then he tendered his dose, which the Hydra swallowed with signs of pleasure ; and, lastly, he mounted upon its back, and rode in triumph under the windows of the astonished Cuboy, who, while he shifted his trousers, exclaimed in a rapture of joy, " All hail, Taycho, thou prince of monster-taming-men ! the Dairo shall kick thy posteriors, and I wilt kiss them in token of approbation and applause." The time was now come when fortune, which had hitherto smiled upon the Chinese arms, resolved to turn tail to that vain- glorious nation, and precisely at the same instant Taycho under- took to display his whole capacity in the management of the war. But before he assumed this province, it was necessary that he should establish a despotism in the council of Twenty- Eight, some members of which had still the presumption to offer their advice towards the administration of aifairs. This council being assembled by the Dairo's order, to deliberate upon the objects of the next campaign, the president began by asking the opinion of Taycho, who was the youngest member, upon which the orator made no articulate reply, but cried, " Ba-ba-ba-ba ! " The Dairo exclaimed, " Boh ! " The Fatzman ejaculated the interjection " Pish ! " The Cuboy sat in silent astonishment. Gotto-mio swore the man was dumb, and hinted something of lunacy. Foksi-roku shook his head, and Soo-san-sin-o shrugged up his shoulders. At length Fika-kaka going round, and kissing Taycho on the forehead, " My dear boy ! " cried he, " Gad's curse ! what's the matter ? Do but open the sluices of your eloquence once more, my dear orator ; let us have one simile, one dear simile, and then I shall die contented. With respect to the operations of the campaign, don't you think " Here he was interrupted with " Ka, ka, ka, ka ! " " Heighday ! " cried the Cuboy, " Ba-ba-ba, ka-ka-ka ! that's the language of children I " " And children you shall be," exclaimed the orator. " Here is a twopenny trumpet for the amusement of the illustrious Got-hama-baba, a sword of gingerbread covered with gold leaf for the Fatzman, and a rattle for my lord Cuboy. I have likewise sugar-plums for the rest of the council." So saying, he, without ceremony, advanced to the Dairo, and tied a scarf round the eyes of his imperial majesty ; then he produced a number of 3l6 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. padlocks, and sealed up the lips of every Quo in council, before they could recollect themselves from their first astonishment. The assembly broke up abruptly, and the Dairo was conducted to his cabinet by the Fatzman and the Cuboy, which last endea- voured to divert the chagrin of his royal master, by blowing the trumpet and shaking the rattle in his ears, but Got-hama-baba could not be so easily appeased. He growled like an enraged bear at the indignity which had been offered to him, and kicked the Cuboy before as well as behind. Mr. Orator Taycho was fain to come to an explanation. He assured the Dairo it was necessary that his imperial majesty should remain in the dark, and that the whole council should be muzzled for a season, other- wise he could not accomplish the great things he had projected in favour of the farm of Yesso. He declared, that while his majesty remained blindfold, he would enjoy all his other senses in greater perfection ; that his ears would be every day regaled with the shouts of triumph conveyed in notes of uncommon melody, and that the less quantity of animal spirits was expended in vision, the greater proportion would flow to his extremities ; consequently, his pleasure would be more acute in his pedestrian exercitations upon the Cuboy and others whom he delighted to honour. He therefore exhorted him to undergo a total privation of eyesight, which was at best a troublesome faculty, that exposed mankind to a great variety of disagreeable spectacles. This was a pro- posal which the Dairo did not relish; on the contrary, he waxed exceedingly wroth, and told the orator he would rather enjoy one transient glance of the farm of Yesso, than the most exquisite delights that could be procured for all the other senses. " To gratify your majesty with that ineffable pleasure," cried Taycho, " I have devoted myself, soul and body, and even reconciled contradictions. I have renounced all my former principles, without forfeiting the principles which, by professing those principles, I had gained. I have obtained the most astonishing victories over common sense, and even refuted mathematical demonstration. The many-headed mob, which no former demagogue could ever tame, I have taught to fetch and to cany, to dance to my pipe, to bray to my tune, to swallow what I present without murmuring, to lick my feet when I am THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 317 angry, and kiss the rod when I think proper to chastise it. I have done more, my liege ; I have prepared a drench for it, which, like Lethe, washes away the remembrance of what is past, and takes away all sense of its own condition. I have swept away all the money of the empire, and persuaded the people not only to beggar themselves, but also to entail indigence upon their latest posterity, and all for the sake of Yesso. It is by dint of these efforts I have been able to subsidise Brut-an-tiffi and raise an army of one hundred thousand men to defend your imperial majesty's farm, which were the entire property of it brought to market, would not fetch one-third part of the sums which are now yearly expended in its defence. I shall strike but one great stroke in the country of Fatsissio, and then turn the whole stream of the war into the channel of Tartary, until the barren plains of Yesso are fertilised with human blood. In the mean- time, I must insist upon your majesty's continuing in the dark, and amusing yourself in your cabinet with the trumpet and other gewgaws which I have provided for your diversion ; otherwise I quit the reins of administration, and turn the monster out of my trammels, in which case, like the dog that returns to its vomit, it will not fail to take up its former prejudices against Yesso, which I have with such pains obliged it to resign." — " O my dear Taycho ! " cried the affrighted Dairo ; " talk not of leaving me in such a dreadful dilemma. Rather than the dear farm should fall into the hands of the Chinese, I would be contented to be led about blindfold all the days of my life. Proceed in your own way. I invest you with full power and authority, not only to gag my whole council, but even to nail their ears to the pillory, should it be found necessary for the benefit of Yesso. In token of which delegation, present your posteriors, and I will bestow upon you a double portion of my favour." Taycho humbly thanked his imperial majesty for the great honour he intended him; but begged leave to decline the ceremony, on account of the hemorrhoids, which at that time gave him great disturbance. The orator, having thus annihilated all opposition in the council of Twenty-Eight, repaired to his own house, in order to plan the operations of the ensuing campaign. Though he had 3l8 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. reinforced the army in Tartary with the flower of the Japanese soldiery, and destined a strong squadron of Fune, as usual, to parade on the coast of China, he foresaw it would be necessary to amuse the people with some new stroke on the side of Fatsissio, which indeed was the original and the most natural scene of the war. He locked himself up in his closet, and con- sulting the map of Fatsissio, he found that the principal Chinese settlement of that island was a fortified town called Quib-quab, to which there was access by two different avenues; one by a broad, rapid navigable river, on the banks of which the town was situated, and the other by an inland route over mountains, lakes, and dangerous torrents. He measured the map with his compass, and perceived that both routes were nearly of the same length, and therefore he resolved that the forces in Fatsissio, being divided into two equal bodies, should approach the place by the two different avenues, on the supposition that they would both arrive before the walls of Quib-quab at the same instant of time. The conduct of the inland expedition was given to Yaff- rai, who now commanded in chief in Fatsissio, and the rest of the troops were sent up the great river, under the auspices of Ya-loff, who had so eminently distinguished himself in the course of the preceding year. Orator Taycho had received some articles of intelligence which embarrassed him a little at first ; but these difficulties soon vanished before the vigour of his resolutions. He knew that not only the town of Quib-quab was fortified by art, but also that the whole adjacent country was almost impregnable by nature ; that one Chinese general blocked up the passes with a strong body of forces, in the route which was to be followed by Yaff-rai ; and that another commanded a separate corps in the neighbour- hood of Quib-quab, equal, at least, in number, to the detachment of Ya-loff, whom he might therefore either prevent from landing, or attack after he should be landed : or finally, should neither of these attempts succeed, he might reinforce the garrison of Quib- quab, so as to make it more numerous than the besieging army, which, according to the rules of war, ought to be ten times the number of the besieged ; on the other hand, in order to invalidate these objections, he reflected that fortune, which had such a THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 319 share in all military events, is inconstant and variable ; that as the Chinese had been so long successful in Fatsissio, it was now their tiun to be unfortunate. He reflected that the demon of folly was capricious, and that as it had so long possessed the rulers and generals of Japan, it was high time it should shift its quarters, and occupy the brains of the enemy; in which case they would quit their advantageous posts, and commit some blunder that would lay them at the mercy of the Japanese. With respect to the reduction of Quib-quab, he had heard, indeed, that the besiegers ought to be ten times the number of the garrison besieged ; but as every Japanese was equivalent to ten subjects of China, he thought the match was pretty equal. He reflected, that even if this expedition should not succeed, it would be of little consequence to his reputation, as he could plead at home, that he neither conceived the original plan, nor appointed any of the officers concerned in the execution. It is true, he might have reinforced the army in Fatsissio, so as to leave very little to fortune ; but then he must have substracted something from the strength of the operations in Tartary, which was now become the favourite scene of the war ; or he must have altogether suspended the execution of another darling scheme, which was literally his own conception. There was an island in the great Indian ocean, at a considerable distance from Fatsissio, and here the Chinese had a strong settlement. Taycho was inflamed with the ambition of reducing this island, which was called Thin-quo ; and for this purpose he resolved to embark a body of forces which should co-operate with the squadron of Fune destined to cruise in those latitudes. The only difficulty that remained was to choose a general to direct this enterprise. He perused a list of all the military officers in Japan, and as they were all equal in point of reputation, he began to examine their names, in order to pitch upon that which should appear to be the most significant ; and in this particular Taycho was a little super- stitious. Not but that surnames, when properly bestowed, might be rendered very useful terms of distinction ; but I must tell thee. Peacock, nothuig can be more preposterously absurd than the practice of inheriting cognomina, which ought ever to be purely personal. I would ask thee, for example, what propriety there 320 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. was in giving the name Xenophon, which signifies one that speaks a foreign language, to the celebrated Greek who distinguished himself, not only as a consummate captain, but also as an elegant writer in his mother tongue ? What could be more ridiculous than to denominate the great philosopher of Crotona, Pythagoras, which implies a stinking speech ? Or what could be more mis- applied than the name of the weeping philosopher Heraclitus, signifying military glory ? The inheritance of surnames among the Romans produced still more ludicrous consequences. The best and noblest families in Rome derived their names from the coarsest employments, or else from the corporeal blemishes of their ancestors. The Pisones were miliars : the Cicerones and the Lentuli were so called from the vetches and the lentils which their forefathers dealt in. The Fabii were so denominated from a dung-pit, in which the first of the family was begot by stealth in the way of fornication. A ploughman gave rise to the great family of the Serrani, the ladies of which always went without smocks. The Suilli, the Bubulci, and the Porci, were descended from a swine-herd, a cowherd, and a hog-butcher. What could be more disgraceful than to call the senator Strabo, Squintum ? or a fine young lady of the house of Paeti, Pigsneyes ? or to distinguish a matron of the Limi, by the appellation of Sheep's- eye ? What could be more dishonourable than to give the sur- name of Snub-nose to P. Silius, the propraetor, because his great- great-great-grandfather had a nose of that make ? Ovid, indeed, had a long nose, and therefore was justly denominated Naso; but why should Horace be called Flaccus, as if his ears had been stretched in the pillory : I need not mention the Burrhi, Nigri, Rufi, Aquilii, and Rutilii, because we have the same foolish sur- names in England ; and even the Lappa ; for I myself know a very pretty miss called Rough-head, though in fact, there is not a young lady in the Bills of Mortality who takes more pains to dress her hair to the best advantage. The famous dictator, whom the deputies of Rome found at the plough, was known by the name of Cincinnatus, or Ragged-head. Now I leave you to judge how it would sound in these days, if a footman at the play- house should call out, " My Lady Ragged-head's coach ; room for my Lady Ragged-head.'' I am doubtful whether the English THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 321 name of Hale does not come from the Roman cognomen Hala, which signified stinking breath. What need I mention the Plauti, Panci, Valgi, Vari, Vatiae, and Scauri ; the Tuditani, the Malici, Cenestellse, and Leccse ? in other words, the Splay-foots, Bandy- legs, Shamble-shins, Baker-knees, Club-foots, Hammer-heads, Chubby-cheeks, Bald-heads, and Letchers. I shall not say a word of the Buteo or Buzzard, that I may not be obliged to explain the meaning of the word Triorchis, from whence it takes its denomination ; yet all those were great families in Rome. But I cannot help taking notice of some of the same improprieties which have crept into the language and customs of this country. Let us suppose, for example, a foreigner reading an English newspaper in these terms : — " Last Tuesday the Right Honour- able Timothy Sillyman, secretary of state for the southern depart- ment, gave a grand entertainment to the nobility and gentry at his house in Knave's Acre. The evening was concluded with a ball, which was opened by Sir Samuel Hog and Lady Diana Rough-head. We hear there is purpose of marriage between Mr. Alderman Smallcock and Miss Harriet Hair-stones, a young lady of great fortune and superlative merit. By the last mail from Germany, we have certain advice of a complete victory which General Coward has obtained over the enemy. On this occasion the general displayed all the intrepidity of the most renowned hero : by the same canal we are informed, that Lieu- tenant Little-fear has been broke by a court-martial for cowardice. We hear that Edward West, Esq., will be elected president of the directors of the East India Company for the ensuing year. It is reported that Commodore North will be sent with a squadron into the South Sea. Captains East and South are appointed by the Lords of the Admiralty, commanders of two frigates to sail on the discovery of the North-west passage. Yesterday morning Sir John Summer, Bart., lay dangerously ill at his house in Spring Garden ; he is attended by Dr. Winter ; but there are no hopes of his recovery. Saturday last, Philip Frost, a dealer in gunpowder, died at his house in Snowhill, of a high fever caught by overheating himself, in walking for a wager from No Man's Land to the World's End. Last week Mr. John Fog, teacher of astronomy in Rotherhithe, was married to the Widow Fair- X 322 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. weather, of Puddledock. We hear from Bath, that on Thursday last a duel was fought on Lansdown, by Captain Sparrow and Richard Hawke, Esq., in which the latter was mortally wounded. Friday last ended the sessions at the Old Bailey, when the fol- lowing persons received sentence of death : — Leonard Lamb, for the murder of Julius Wolf; and Henry Grave, for robbing and assaulting Dr. Death, whereby the said Death was put in fear of his life. Giles Gosling, for defrauding Simon Fox of four guineas and his watch by subtle craft, was transported for seven years ; and David Drinkwater was ordered to be set in the stocks, as an habitual drunkard. The trial of Thomas Green, whitster at Fulham, for a rape on the body of Flora White, a mulatto, was put off till next sessions, on account of the absence of two material evidences, viz. Sarah Brown, clear-starcher of Pimlico, and Anthony Black, scarlet-dyer of Wandsworth." I ask thee. Peacock, whether a sensible foreigner, who understood the literal meaning of these names, which are all truly British, would not think ye were a nation of humorists, who delighted in cross-pur- poses and ludicrous singularity ? But, indeed, ye are not more absurd in this particular than some of your neighbours. I know a Frenchman of the name of Bouvier, which signifies cow-keeper, pique himself upon his noblesse ; and a general called Valavoir is said to have lost his life by the whimsical impropriety of his sur- name, which signifies go and see* You may remember an Italian minister called Grossa-testa, or Great-head, though in fact he had scarce any head at all. That nation has, likewise, its Sforzas, Mala- testas, Boccanigras, Porcinas, Giudices ; its Colonnas, Muratorios, Medicis, and Gozzi ; — Endeavours, Chuckle-heads, Black Muzzles, Hogs, Judges, Pillars, Masons, Leeches, and Chubby-chops. Spain has its Almohadas, Girones, Utreras, Ursinas, and Zapatas ; signifying Cushions, Gores, Bullocks, Bears, and Slippers. The Turks, in other respects a sensible people, fall into the same extravagance, with respect to the inheritance of surnames. An Armenian merchant, to whom I once belonged at Aleppo, used to dine at the house of a cook whose name was Clockmaker ; and * The general, taking a solitary walk in the evening, was questioned by a sentinel, and answered, "Va la voir." The soldier, taking the words in the literal sense, repeated the challenge : he was answered in the same manner ; and being affronted, fired upon the general, who fell dead on the spot. THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 323 the handsomest Ichoglan in the Bashaw's seraglio was surnamed Crook-back. If we may believe the historian Buck, there was the same impropriety in the same epithet bestowed upon Richard III. King of England, who, he says, was one of the best made men of the age in which he lived ; but here I must contradict the said Buck, from my own knowledge. Richard had, undoubtedly, one shoulder higher than the other, and his left arm was a little shrunk and contracted ; but notwithstanding the ungracious colours in which he has been drawn by the flatterers of the house of Lancaster, I can assure thee. Peacock, that Richard was a prince of a very agreeable aspect, and excelled in every personal accomplishment ; neither was his heart a stranger to the softer passions of tenderness and pity. The very night that preceded the fatal battle of Bosworth, in which he lost his life, he went in disg;uise to the house of a farmer in the neighbourhood to visit an infant son there boarded, who was the fruit of an amour between him and a young lady of the first condition. Upon this occasion, he embraced the child with all the marks of paternal affection, and doubtful of the issue of the approaching battle, shed a flood of tears at parting from him, after having recommended him to the particular care of his nurse, to whom he gave money and jewels to a considerable value. After the catastrophe of Richard, this house was plundered, and the nurse with difficulty escg.ped to another part of the country ; but as , the eneRiies of Richard now prevailed, she never durst reveal the secret of the boy's birth ; and he was bred up as her own son to the trade of bricklaying, in which character he lived and died in an advanced age in London. Moreover, it is but justice in me, who con- stituted part of one of Richard's yeoman of the guard, to assure thee that this prince was not so wicked and cruel as he has been represented. The only share he had in the death of his brother Clarence, was his forbearing to interpose in the behalf of that prince with their elder brother King Edward IV., who, in fact, was the greatest brute of the whole family : neither did he poison his own wife ; nor employ assassins to murder his two nephews in the Tower. Both the boys were given by Tyrrel in charge to a German Jew, with directions to breed them up as his own children, in a remote country ; and the eldest died of a fever 324 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. at Embden, and the other afterwards appeared as claimant of the English crown : all the world knows how he finished his career under the name of Perkin Warbeck. So much for the abuse of surnames, in the investigation of which I might have used thy own by way of illustration ; for, if thou and all thy generation were put to the rack, they would not be able to give any tolerable reason why thou shouldest be called Peacock rather than Crab- louse. But it is now high time to return to the thread of our narration. Taycho, having considered the list of officers, with- out finding one name which implied any active virtue, resolved that the choice should depend upon accident. He hustled them all together in his cap, and putting in his hand at random, drew forth that of Hob-nob ; a person who had grown old in obscurity without ever having found an opportunity of being concerned in actual service. His very name was utterly unknown to Fika- kaka ; and this circumstance the orator considered as a lucky omen ; for the Cuboy had such a remarkable knack at finding out the least qualified subjects, and overlooking merit, his new colleague concluded (not without some shadow of reason) that Hob-nob's being unknown to the prime minister, was a sort of negative presumption in favour of his character. This officer was accordingly placed at the head of an armament, and sent against the island of Thin-quo, in the conquest of which he was to be supported by a squadron of Fune already in those latitudes, under the command of the chief He-Rhumn. The voyage was performed without loss : the troops were landed without opposition. They had already advanced towards a rising ground which commanded the principal town of the island, and He-Rhumn had offered to land and draw the artillery by the mariners of his squadron, when Hob-nob had a dream which dis- concerted all his measures. He dreamed that he entertained all the islanders in the temple of the White Horse ; and that his own grandmother did the honours of the table. Indeed he could not have performed a greater act of charity ; for they were literally in danger of perishing by famine. Having consulted his inter- preter on this extraordinary dream, he was given to understand that the omen was unlucky ; that if he persisted in his hostilities, he himself would be taken prisoner, and offered up as a sacrifice THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 325 to the idol of the place. While he ruminated on this unfavour- able response, the principal inhabitants of the island assembled, in order to deliberate upon their own deplorable situation. They had neither troops, arms, fortifications, nor provision, and despaired of supplies, as the fleet of Japan surrounded the island. In this emergency, they determined to submit without opposition ; and appointed a deputation to go and make a tender of the island to General Hob-nob. This deputation, preceded by white flags of truce, the Japanese commander no sooner descried, than he thought upon the interpretation of his dream. He mistook the deputies with their white flags for the Bonzas of the idol to which he was to be sacrificed : and being sorely troubled in mind, ordered the troops to be immediately re-embarked, notwithstand- ing the exhortations of He-Rhumn, and the rernonstrances of Rha-rin-tumm, the second in command, who used a number of arguments to dissuade him from his purpose. The deputies seeing the enemy in motion, made a halt, and after they were fairly on board, returned to the town, singing hymns in praise of the idol Fo, who, they imagined, had confounded the understand- ing of the Japanese general. The attempt upon Thin-quo having thus miscarried. Hob-nob declared he would return to Japan ; but was with great difficulty persuaded by the commander of the Fune and his own second, to make a descent upon another island belonging to the Chinese called Qua-chu, where they assured him he would meet with no opposition. As he had no dream to deter him from this attempt, he suffered himself to be persuaded, and actually made good his landing ; but the horror occasioned by the apparition of his grand- mother had made such an impression upon his mind, as affected the constitution of his body. Before he was visited by another such vision, he sickened and died ; and in consequence of his death, Rha-rin-tumm and He-Rhumn made a conquest of the island of Qua-chu, which was much more valuable than Thin-quo, the first and sole object of the expedition. When the first news of this second descent arrived in Japan, the ministry were in the utmost confusion. Mr. Orator Taycho did rot scruple to declare that General Hob-nob had misbehaved ; first, in relinquishing Thin-quo, upon such a frivolous pretence as the supposed appari- 326 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. tion of an old woman; secondly, in attempting the conquest of another place, which was not so much as mentioned in his instructions. The truth is, the importance of Qua-chu was not known to the cabinet of Japan. Fika-kaka believed it was some place on the continent of Tartary, and exclaimed in a violent passion, " Rot the block-head, Hob-nob ; he'll have an army of Chinese on his back in a twinkling ! " When the president Soo- san-sin-o assured him that Qua-chu was a rich island at an immense distance from the continent of Tartary, the Cuboy insisted upon kissing his excellency's posteriors for the agreeable information he had received. In a few weeks arrived the tidings of the island's being totally reduced by Rha-rin-tumm and He- Rhumn. Then the conquest was published throughout the empire of Japan, with every circumstance of exaggeration. The blatant beast brayed applause. The rites of Fakku-basi were celebrated with unusual solemnity ; and hymns of triumph were sung to the glory of the great Taycho. Even the Cuboy arrogated to himself some share of the honour gained by this expedition : inasmuch as the general Rha-rin-tumm was the brother of his friend Mr. Secretary No-bo-dy. Fika-kaka gave a grand entertainment at his palace, where he appeared crowned with a garland of the Tsikk-burasiba, or laurel of Japan ; and ate so much of the soup of Joniku or famous Swallow's-nest, that he was for three days troubled with flatulencies and indigestion. In the midst of all this festivity, the emperor still growled and grumbled about Yesso. His new ally Brut-an-tiffi had met with a variety of fortune, and even suffered some shocks, which Orator Taycho, with all his art, could not keep from the knowledge of the Dairo. -He had been severely drubbed by the Mantchoux, who had advanced for that purpose even to his court-yard ; but this was nothing in comparison to another disaster, from which he had a hair-breadth escape. The Great Khan had employed one of his most wily and enterprising chiefs to seize Brut-an-tiffi by surprise, that he might be brought to justice, and executed as a felon and perturbator of the public peace. Kunt-than, who was the partisan pitched upoh for this service, practised a thousand stratagems to decoy Brut-an-tiffi into a careless security ; but he was still baffled by the vigilance of Yam-a-Kheit, a famous soldier THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 327 of fortune, who had engaged in the service of the outlawed Tartar. At length the opportunity offered when this captain was sent out to lay the country under contribution. Then Kunt-than, marching solely in the dead of night, caught Brut-an-tiffi napping. He might have slain him upon the spot ; but his orders were to take him alive, that he might be made a public example. Accordingly, his sentinels being despatched, he was pulled out of bed, and his hands were already tied with cords, like those of a common male- factor, when, by his roaring and bellowing, he gave the alarm to Yam-a-Kheit, who chanced to be in the neighbourhood, returning from his excursion. He made all the haste he could, and came up in the very nick of time to save his master. He fell upon the party of Kunt-than with such fury, that they were fain to quit their prey : then he cut the fetters of Brut-an-tiffi, who took to his heels and fled with incredible expedition, leaving his preserver in the midst of his enemies, by whom he was overpowered, struck from his horse, and trampled to death. The grateful Tartar not only deserted this brave captain in such extremity, but he also took care to aspeioe his memory, by insinuating that Yam-a-Kheit had undertaken to watch him while he took his repose, and had himself fallen asleep upon his post, by which neglect of duty the Ostrog had been enabled to penetrate into his quarters. 'Tis an ill wind that blows nobody good : the same disaster that deprived him of a good officer, afforded him an opportunity to shift the blame of neglect from his own shoulders to those of a person who could not answer for himself. In the same manner, your general A ^y acquitted himself of the charge of misconduct for the attack of T a, by accusing his engineer, who, having fallen in the battle, could not contradict his assertion. In regard to the affair with the Mantchoux, Brut-an-tiffi was resolved to swear truth out of Tartary by mere dint of impudence. In the very article of running away, he began to propagate the report of the great victory he had obtained. He sent the Dairo a circumstan- tial detail of his own prowess, and expatiated upon the cowardice of the Mantchoux, who, he said, had vanished from him like quicksilver, at the very time when they were quietly possessed of the field of battle, and he himself was calling upon the mountains to cover him. It must have been in imitation of this great 328 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. original, that the inspector, of tympanitical memory, assured the public in one of his lucubrations, that a certain tall Hibernian was afraid of looking him in the face, because the said poltroon had kicked his breech the night before in presence of five hundred people. Fortune had now abandoned the Chinese in good earnest. Two squadrons of their Fune had been successively taken, de- stroyed, or dispersed, by the Japanese commanders, Or-nobs and Fas -khan ; and they had lost such a number of single junks, that they were scarce able to keep the sea. On the coast of Africa, they were driven from the settlement of Kho-rh6, by the com- mander Kha-fell. In the extremity of Asia, they had an army totally defeated by the Japanese captain Khutt-whang, and many of their settlements were taken. In Fatsissio, they lost another battle to Yan-oni, and divers strongholds. In the neighbourhood of Yesso, Bron-xi-tic, who commanded the mercenary army of Japan on that continent, had been obliged to retreat before the Chinese from post to pillar, till at length he found it absolutely necessary to maintain his position, even at the risk of being attacked by the enemy, that outnumbered him greatly. He chose an advantageous post, where he thought himself secure, and went to sleep at his usual time of rest. The Chinese general, resolving to beat up his quarters in the night, selected a body of horse for that purpose, and put them in motion accordingly. It was happy for Bron-xi-tic that this detachment fell upon a quarter where there happened to be a kennel of Japanese dogs, which are as famous as the bull dogs of England.' These animals, ever on the watch, not only gave the alarm, but at the same time fell upon the Chinese horses with such impetuosity, that the enemy were disordered, and had actually fled before Bron-xi-tic could bring up his troops to action. All that he saw of the battle, when he came up, was a small number of killed and wounded, and the cavalry of the enemy scampering off in confusion, though at a great distance from the field. No matter ; — he found means to paint this famous battle of Mynthan in such colours as dazzled the weak eyesight of the Japanese monster, which bellowed hoarse applause through all its throats ; and in its hymns of triumph equalled Bron-xi-tic even to the unconquerable Brut-an-tiffi ; which THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 329 last, about this time received at his own door another beating from the Mantchoux, so severe that he lay for some time w^ithout exhibiting any signs of life; and indeed, owed his safety to a very extraordinary circumstance. An Ostrong chief called Llha- dahn, who had reinforced the Mantchoux with a very considerable body of horse before the battle, insisted upon carrying off the carcass of Brut-an-tiffi, that it might be hung upon a gibbet in terrorem, before the pavilion of the Great Khan. The general of the Mantchoux, on the other hand, declared he would have it flayed upon the spot, and the skin sent as a trophy to his sove- reign. This dispute produced a great deal of abuse betwixt those barbarians ; and it was with great difficulty some of their inferior chiefs, who were wiser than themselves, prevented them from going by the ears together. In a word, the confusion and anarchy that ensued afforded an opportunity to one of Brut-an- tiffi's partisans to steal away the body of his master, whom the noise of the conquest had just roused from his swoon. Llha-dahn, perceiving he was gone, rode off in disgust with all his cavalry ; and the Mantchoux, instead of following the blow, made a retro- grade motion towards their own country, v/hich allowed Brut- an-tiffi time to breathe. Three successive disasters of this kind would have been sufficient to lower the military character of any warrior, in the opinion of any public that judged from their own senses and reflection ; but by this time the Japanese had quietly resigned all their natural perceptions, and paid the most implicit faith to every article broached by their apostle Taycho. The more it seemed to contradict common reason and common evidence, the more greedily was it swallowed as a mysterious dogma of the political creed. Taycho then assured- them that the whole army of the Mantchoux was put to the sword ; and that Bron-xi-tic would carry the war within three weeks into the heart of China ; he gave them goblets of horse-blood from Myn-than ; and tickled their ears and their noses ; they snorted approbation, licked his toes, and sunk into a profound lethargy. From this, however, they were soon aroused by unwelcome tidings from Fatsissio. Yaff-rai had proceeded in his route until he was stopped by a vast lake, which he could not possibly traverse without boats, cork-jackets, or some such expedient, 330 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. which could not be supplied for that campaign. Ya-lofF had sailed up the river to Quib-quab, which he found so strongly fortified by nature, that it seemed rashness even to attempt a landing, especially in the face of an enemy more numerous than his own detachment. Land, however, he did, and even attacked a fortified camp of the Chinese; but, in spite of all his efforts, he was repulsed with considerable slaughter. He sent an account of this miscarriage to Taycho, giving him to under- stand, at the same time, that he had received no intelligence of Yaff-rai's motions ; that his troops were greatly diminished ; that the season was too far advanced to keep the field much longer ; and that nothing was left them but a choice of difficulties, every one of which seemed more insurmountable than another. Taycho having deliberated on this subject, thought it was necessary to prepare the monster for the worst that could happen, as he now expected to hear by the first opportunity that the grand expedi- tion of Fatsissio had totally miscarried. He resolved, therefore, to throw the blame upon the shoulders of Ya-lofF and Yaff-rai, and stigmatise them as the creatures of Fika-kaka, who had neither ability to comprehend the instructions he had given, nor resolution to execute the plan he had projected. For this pur- pose he ascended the rostrum, and, with a rueful length of face, opened his harangue upon the defeat of Ya-ioff. The Hydra no sooner understood that the troops of Japan had been discom- fited, than it was seized with a kind of hysteric fit, and uttered a yell so loud and horrible, that the blindful Dairo trembled in the most internal recesses of his palace : the Cuboy Fika-kaka had such a profuse evacuation, that the discharge is said to have weighed five BoU-ah, equal to eight-and-forty pounds three ounces and two penny-weights avoirdupois of Great Britain. Even Taycho himself was discomposed. In vain he presented the draught of yeast, and the goblet of blood : — in vain his pipers soothed the ears, and his tall fellows tickled the nose of the blatant beast. It continued to howl and grin, and gnash its teeth, and writhe itself into a thousand contortions, as if it had been troubled with that twisting of the guts called the iliac passion. Taycho began to think its case desperate, and sent for the Dairo's chief physician, who prescribed a glyster of the THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 33 1 distilled spirit analogous to your Geneva ; but no apothecary nor old woman in Meaco would undertake to administer it on any consideration, the patient was such a filthy, awkward, lubberly, unmanageable beast. " If what comes from its mouth," said they, "be so foul, virulent, and pestilential, how nauseous, poisonous, and intolerable, must that be which takes the other course ? " When Taycho's art and foresight were at a stand, accident came to his assistance. A courier arrived, preceded by twelve postillions blowing horns ; and he brought the news that Quib-quab was taken. The orator commanded them to place their horns within as many of the monster's long ears, and blow with all their might, until it should exhibit some signs of hearing. The experiment succeeded. The Hydra, waking from its trance, opened its eyes ; and Taycho seizing this opportunity, hallooed in his loudest tone, " Quib-quab is taken." This note being repeated, the beast started up ; then raising itself on its hind legs, began to wag its tail, to frisk and fawn, to lick Taycho's sweaty socks ; in fine, crouching on its belly, it took the orator on its back, and, proceeding through the streets of Meaco, brayed aloud, " Make way for the divine Taycho ! Make way for the conqueror of Quib-quab ! " But the gallant Ya-loff, the real conqueror of Quib-quab, was no more. He fell in the battle by which the conquest was achieved, yet not before he saw victory declare in his favour. He had made incredible efforts to surmount the difficulties that surrounded him. At length he found means to scale a perpendicular rock, which the enemy had left unguarded, on the supposition that nature had made it inaccessible. This exploit was performed in the night, and in the morning the Chinese saw his troops drawn up in order of battle on the plains of Quib-quab. As their numbers greatly exceeded the Japanese, they did not decline the trial ; and in a little time both armies were engaged. The contest, however, was not of long duration, though it proved fatal to the general on each side. Ya-loff being slain, the command devolved upon Tohn-syn, who pursued the enemy to the walls of Quib- quab, which was next day surrendered to him by capitulation. Nothing was now seen and heard in the capital but jubilee, triumph, and intoxication ; and indeed the nation had not for 332 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. some centuries seen such an occasion for joy and satisfaction. The only person that did not heartily rejoice was the Dairo Got- hama-baba. By this time he was so Tartarised, that he grudged his subjects every advantage obtained in Fatsissio; and when Fika-kaka hobbled up to him with the news of the victory, instead of saluting him with the kick of approbation, he turned his back upon him, saying, " Boh 1 boh ! What do you tell me of Quib- quab ? The damned Chinese are still on the frontiers of Yesso." As to the beast, it was doomed to undergo a variety of agitation. Its present gambols were interrupted by a fresh alarm from China. It was reported that two great armaments were equipped for a double descent upon the dominions of Japan : that one of these had already sailed north about for the island of Xicoco, to make a diversion in favour of the other, which, being the most considerable, was designed for the southern coast of Japan. These tidings, which were not without foundation, had such an effect upon the multitudinous monster, that it was first of all seized with an universal shivering. Its teeth chattered so loud, that the sound was heard at the distance of half a league ; and for some time it was struck dumb. During this paroxysm, it crawled silently on its belly to a sand-hill just without the walls of Meaco, and began to scratch the earth with great eagerness and perseverance. Some people imagined it was digging for gold ; but the truth is, the beast was making a hole to hide itself from the enemy, whom it durst not look in the face ; for, it must be observed of this beast, it was equally timorous and cruel, equally cowardly and insolent. So hard it laboured at this cavern, that it had actually burrowed itself all but the tail, when its good angel Taycho whistled it out, with the news of another complete victory gained over the Chinese at sea, by the Sey-seo- gun Phal-khan, who had sure enough discomfited or destroyed the great armament of the enemy. As for the other small squadron which had steered the northerly course to Xicoco, it was encountered, defeated, taken, and brought into the harbours of Japan, by three light Fune, under the command of a young chief called Hel-y-otte, who happened to be cruising on that part of the coast. The beast hearing Taycho's auspicious whistle, crept out with its buttocks foremost, and having done him THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 333 homage in the usual style, began to re-act its former extrava- gances. It now considered this demagogue as the supreme giver of all good, and adored him accordingly. The apostle Bupo was no longer invoked. The temple of Fakku-basi was almost for- gotten, and the Bonzas were universally despised. The praise of the prophet Taycho had swallowed up all other worship. Let us inquire how far he merited this adoration ; how justly the un- paralleled success of this year was ascribed to his conduct and sagacity. Kho-rhe was taken by Kha-fell, and Quib-quab by Ya-lofF and Tohn-syn. By land, the Chinese were defeated in Fatsissio by Yan-o-ni ; in the extremity of Asia, by Khutt-whang ; and in Tartary, by the Japanese bull-dogs, without command or direction. At sea, one of their squadrons had been destroyed by Or-nbos, a second by Fas-khan, a third was taken by Hel-y-otte, a fourth was worsted and put to flight in three successive engage- ments near the land of Kamtschatka, by the chief Bha-kakh, and their grand armament defeated by the Sey-seo-gun Phal-khan. But Kha-fell was a stranger to orator Taycho : Ya-loflf he had never seen : the bull-dogs had been collected at random from the shambles of Meaco ; he had never heard of Yan-o-ni's name, till he distinguished himself by his first victory; nor did he know there was any such person as Khutt-whang existing. As for Or-nbos, Fas-khan, Phal-khan, and Bha-kakh, they had been Sey-seo-guns in constant employment under the former administration ; and the youth Hel-y-otte owed his promotion to the interest of his own family. But it may be alleged that Taycho projected in his closet those plans that were crowned with success. We have seen how he mutilated and frittered the original scheme of the campaign in Fatsissio, so as to leave it at the caprice of fortune. The reduc- tion of Kho-rh^ was part of the design farmed by the Banyan Thum-khumm-qua, which Taycho did all that lay in his power to render abortive. The plan of operations in the extremity of Tartary he did not pretend to meddle with ; it was the concern of the officers appointed by the trading company there settled : and as to the advantages obtained at sea, they naturally resulted from the disposition of cruises, made and regulated by the board of Sey-seo-gun-sealty, with which no minister ever interfered. He might indeed have recalled the chiefs and officers whom he found 334 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. already appointed when he took the reins of administration, and filled their places with others of his own choosing. How far he was qualified to make such a choice, and plan new expeditions, appears from the adventures of the generals he did appoint; Moria-tanti, who was deterred from landing by a perspective view of whiskers ; Hylib-bib, who left his rear in the lurch ; and Hob-nob, who made such a masterly retreat from the supposed Bopzas of Thin-quo. These three were literally commanders of his own creation, employed in executing schemes of his own projecting ; and these three were the only generals he made, and the only military plans he projected, if we except the grand scheme of subsidising Brut-an-tiffi, and forming an army of one hundred thousand men in Tartary, for the defence of the farm of Vesso. Things being so circumstanced, it may be easily con- ceived that the orator could ask nothing which the Mobile would venture to refuse; and indeed he tried his influence to the utmost stretch ; he milked the dugs of the monster till the blood came. For the service of the ensuing year, he squeezed from them near twelve millions of obans, amounting to near twenty- four millions sterling, about four times as much as had ever been raised by the empire of Japan in any former war. But by this time Taycho was become not only a convert to the system of Tartary which he had formerly persecuted, but also an enthusiast in love and admiration of Brut-an-tiflfi, who had lately sent him his poetical works in a present. This, however, would have been of no use, as he could not read them, had not he discovered that they were printed on a very fine, soft, smooth, Chinese paper, made of silk, which he happily converted to another fundamental purpose. In return for this compliment, the orator sent him a bullock's horn bound with brass, value fifteenpence, which had long served him as a pitch-pipe when he made harangues to the Mobile; it was the same kind of instrument which Horace describes. Tibia vincta orichalco : and pray take notice. Peacock, this was the only present Taycho ever bestowed on any man, woman, or child, through the whole course of his life, I mean out of his own pocket ; for he was extremely liberal of the public money, in his subsidies to the Tartar chiefs, and in the prosecu- tion of the war upon that continent. The orator was a genius THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 335 self-taught, without the help of human institution. He affected to undervalue all men of literary talents ; and the only book he ever read with any degree of pleasure, was a collection of rhapsodies preached by one Ab-ren-thi, an obscure fanatic Bonza, a native of the island Xicoco. Certain it is. Nature seemed to have produced him for the sole purpose of fascinating the mob, and endued him with faculties accordingly. Notwithstanding all his efforts in behalf of the Tartarian scheme, the Chinese still lingered on the frontiers of Yesso. The views of the court of Pekin exactly coincided with the interest of Bron-xi-tic, the mercenary general of Japan. J'he Chinese, confounded at the unheard-of success of the Japanese in Fatsissio and other parts of the globe, and extremely mortified at the destruction of their fleets and the ruin of their commerce, saw no other way of distressing the enemy, but that of pro- longing the war on the continent of Tartary, which they could support for little more than their ordinary expense ; whereas Japan could not maintain it without contracting yearly immense loads of debt, which must have crushed it at the long run, It was the business of the Chinese, therefore, not to finish the war in Tartary by taking the farm of Yesso, because, in that case^ the annual expense of it would have been saved to Japan ; but to keep it alive by forced marches, predatory excursions, and undecisive actions ; and this was precisely the interest of General Bron-xi-tic, who, in the continuance of the war, enjoyed the continuance of all his emoluments. All that he had to do, then, was to furnish Taycho from time to time with a cask of human blood, for the entertainment of the blatant beast; and to send over a few horse tails, as trophies of pretended victories, to be waved before the monster in its holiday processions. He and the Chinese general seemed to act in concert. They advanced and retreated in their turns betwixt two given lines, and the campaign always ended on the same spot where it began. The only difference between them was in the motives of their conduct ; the Chinese commander acted for the benefit of his sovereign, and Bron-xi-tic acted for his own. The continual danger to which the farm of Yesso was exposed, produced such apprehensions and chagrin in the mind of the 336 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. Dairo Got-hama-baba, that his health began to decline. He neglected his food and his rattle, and no longer took any pleasure in kicking the Cuboy. He frequently muttered ejaculations about the farm of Yesso : nay, once or twice in the transports of his impatience, he pulled the bandage from his eyes, and cursed Taycho in the Tartarian language. At length he fell into a lethargy, and even when roused a little by blisters and caustics, seemed insensible of everything that was done about him. These blisters were raised by burning the moxa upon his scalp. The powder of menoki was also injected in a glyster ; and the opera- tion of acupuncture, called Senkei, performed without effect. His disorder was so stubborn, that the Cuboy began to think he was bewitched, and suspected Taycho of having practised sorcery on his sovereign. He communicated this suspicion to Mura-clami, who shook his head, and advised that, with the orator's good leave, the council should be consulted. Taycho, who had gained an absolute empire over the mind of the Dairo, and could not foresee how his interest might stand with his successor, was heartily disposed to concur in any feasible experiment for the recovery of Got-hama-baba : he therefore consented that the mouths of the council should be unpadlocked pro hac vice, and the members were assembled without delay ; with this express proviso, however, that they were to confine their deliberations to the subject of the Dairo and his distemper. By this time the physicians had discovered the cause of the disorder, which was no other than his being stung by a poisonous insect produced in the land of Yesso, analogous to the tarantula, which is said to do so much mischief in some parts of Apuglia, as we are told by iElian, Epiphanius Ferdinandus, and Baglivi. In both cases the only effectual remedy was music ; and now the council was called, to determine what sort oi music should be administered. You must know. Peacock, the Japanese are but indifferently skilled in this art, though, in general, they affect to be connoisseurs. They are utterly ignorant of the theory, and in the practice are excelled by all their neighbours, the Tartars not excepted. For my own part I studied music under Pythagoras at Crotona. He found the scale of seven tones imperfect, and added the octave as a fixed, sensible, and intelligent termination of an interval, which THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 33/ included every possible division, and determined all the relative differences of sounds : besides, he taught us how to express the octave by 1 &c. &c. But why should I talk to thee of the ancient digramma, the genera, &c., of music, which, with their colours, were constructed by a division of the diatessaron. Thou art too dull and ignorant to comprehend the chromatic species, the construction of the tetrachord, the Phrygian, the Lydian, and other modes of the ancient music ; and for distinction of ear, thou mightest be justly ranked among the braying tribe that graze along the ditches of Tottenham Court, or Hockley-i'-the-hole. I know that nothing exhilarates thy spirits so much as a sonata on the saltbox, or a concert of marrow-bones and cleavers. The ears of the Japanese were much of the same texture ; and their music was suited to their ears. They neither excelled in the melapoeia, and rhythm or cadence : nor did they know anything of the true science of harmony, compositions in parts, and those combinations of sounds, the invention of which, with the improve- ment of the scale, is erroneously ascribed to a Benedictine monk. The truth is, the ancients understood composition perfectly well. Their scale was founded upon perfect consonances : they were remarkably nice in tempering sounds, and had reduced their intervals and concords to mathematical demonstration. But, to return to the council of Twenty-Eight, they convened in the same apartment where the Dairo lay ; and as the business was to determine what kind of music was most likely to make an impression upon his organs, every member came provided with his expedient. First and foremost, Mr. Orator Taycho pronounced an oration upon the excellences of the land of Yesso, of energy (as the Cuboy said) sufficient to draw the moon from her sphere ; it drew nothing, however, from the patient but a single groan : then the Fatzman caused a drum to beat, without producing any effect at all upon the Dairo ; though it deprived the whole council of their hearing for some time. The third essay was made by Fika-kaka ; first with a rattle, and then with tongs and gridiron, which last was his favourite music ; but here it failed to his great surprise and consternation. Sti-phi-rum-poo brought the crier of his court to promulgate a decree against Yesso, in a voice that is wont to make the culprit tremble ; but V 338 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. the Dairo was found ignoramus. Nin-com-poo-po blew a blast with a kind of boatswain's whistle, which discomposed the whole audience without affecting the emperor. Fokh-si-rokhu said he would try his imperial majesty with a sound which he had always been known to prefer to every oiiher species of music ; and pulling out a huge purse of golden obans, b^;an to chink them in his ear. This experiment so far succeeded, that the Dairo was perceived to smile, and even to contract one band : but further effect it had none. At last Gotto-mio starting up, threw a small quanti^ of aurum fulminans into the fire, which went off with such an explosion, that in the same instant Fika-kaka fell flat upon his face, and Got-hama-baba started upright in his bed. This, however, was no more than a convulsion that put an end to his life ; for he fell back again, and expired in the twinkling of an ^e. As for the Cuboy, though he did not die, he under- went a surprising transformation or metamorphosis, which I shall record in due season. Taycho was no sooner certified that Got-hama-baba had actuaUy breathed his last, than he vanished from the council in the twinkling of an eye, and mounting the beast whose name is L^on, rode full speed to the habitation of Gio-gio, the successor and descendant of the deceased Dairo. Gio-gio was a young prince who had been industriously sequestered from the public view, and excluded from all share in the a&irs of state by the jealousy of the last emperor. He lived retired under the wing[s of his grandmother, and had divers preceptors to teach him the rudiments of every art but the art of reigning. Of all those who superintended his education, he who insinuated himself the farthest in his favour, was one Yak-strot, from the mountains of Ximo, who valued himself much upon the ancient blood that ran in his veins, and still more upon his elevated ideas of patriotism. Yak-strot was honest at bottom, but proud, reserved, vain, and a&cted. He had a turn for nick-nacks and gim-cracks, and once made and mounted an iron jack and a wooden clock with his own hands. But it was his misfortune to set up for a connoisseur in painting and other liberal arts, xmd to announce himself a universal patron of genius. He did not fail to infuse his own notions and conceits into the tender mind of Gio-^o, who gradu- THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 339 ally imbibed his turn of thinking, and followed the studies which he recommended. With respect to his lessons on the art of government, he reduced them to a very few simple principles. His maxims were these : — ^That the Emperor of Japan ought to cherish the established religion, both by precept and example : that he ought to abolish corruption, discomage faction, and balance the two parties, by admitting an equal number from each to places and offices of trust in the administration : that he should make peace as soon as possible, even in despite of the public, which seemed insensible of the burden it sustained, and was indeed growing delirious by the Uliisions of Taycho, and the cruel evacua- tions he had prescribed : that he should retrench aU superfluous expense in his household and government, and detach himself entirely from the accursed farm of Yesso, which some evil genius had fixed upon the breech of Japan, as a cancerous ulcer, through which all her blood and substance would be discharged. These maxims were generally just enough in speculation, but some of them were altogether impracticable ; — ^for example, that of forming an administration equally composed of the two factions, was as absurd as it would be to yoke two stone-horses and two jack- asses in the same carricige, which instead of drawing one way, would do nothing but bite and kick one another, while the machine of government would stand stock-still, or perhaps be torn in pieces by their dragging in opposite directions. The people of Japan had been long divided between two inveterate parties known by the names of Shit-tilk-ums-heit, and She-it-kums-hi-tU, the first signifying more fool than knave ; and the other more knave than fool. Each had predominated in its turn, by securing a majori^ in the assemblies of the people ; for the majority had always interest to force themselves into the administration : because the constitution being partly democratic, the Dairo was still obliged to truckle to the prevailing faction. To obtain this majority, each side had employed every art of corruption, calumny, insinuation, and priestcraft ; for nothing is such an effectual fer- ment in all popular commotions as religious fanaticism. No sooner one party accomplished its aim, than it reprobated the other, branding it with the epithets of traitors to their country, or traitors to their prince ; while the minority retorted upon them 340 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. the charge of corruption, rapaciousness, and abject servility. In short, both parties were equally abusive, rancorous, uncandid, and illiberal. Taycho had been of both factions more than once. He made his first appearance as a Shit-tilk-ums-heit in the minority, and displayed his talent for scurrility against the Dairo to such advantage, that an old rich hag, who loved nothing so well as money, except the gratification of her revenge, made him a present of five thousand obans, on condition he should continue to revile the Dairo till his dying day. After her death, the ministry, intimidated by the boldness of his tropes, and the fame he began to acquire as a mal-content orator, made him such offers as he thought proper to accept ; and then he turned She- it-kums-hi-til. Being disgusted in the sequel, at his own want of importance in the council, he opened once more at the head of his old friends the Shi-tilk-ums-hi-tites ; and once more he deserted them to rule the roast, as chief of the She-it-kum-hi-ti- lites, in which predicament he now stood. And, indeed, this was the most natural posture in which he could stand ; for this party embraced all the scum of the people, constituting the blatant beast, which his talents were so peculiarly adapted to manage and govern. Another impracticable maxim of Yak-strot, was the abolition of corruption, the ordure of which is as necessary to anoint the wheels of government in Japan, as grease is to smear the axletree of a loaded waggon. His third impolitic (though not impracticable) maxim, was that of making peace while the popu- lace were intoxicated with the steams of blood, and elated with the shows of triumph. Be that as it will, Gio-gio, attended by Yak-strot, was drawing plans of windmills, when Orator Taycho, opening the door, advanced towards him, and falling on his knees, addressed him in these words : " The empire of Japan, magnani- mous prince 1 resembles, at this instant, a benighted traveller, who by the light of the star Hesperus continued his journey without repining, until that glorious luminary setting, left him bewildered in darkness and consternation : but scarce had he time to bewail his fate, when the more glorious sun, the ruler of a fresh day, appearing on the tops of the eastern hills, dis- pelled his terrors with the shades of night, and filled his soul with transports of pleasure and delight. The illustrious Got- THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 34I hama-baba, of honoured memory, is the glorious star which hath set on our hemisphere. His soul, which took wing about two hours ago, is now happily nestled in the bosom of the blessed Bupo; and you, my prince, are the more glorious rising sun, whose genial influence will cheer the empire, and gladden the hearts of yoiu- faithful Japanese. 1 therefore hail your succession to the throne, and cry aloud, long live the ever glorious Gio-gio, emperor of the three islands of Japan." To this salutation the beast below brayed hoarse applause ; and all present kissed the hand of the new emperor, who kneeling before his venerable grandame, craved her blessing, desiring the benefit of her prayers, that God would make him a good king, and establish his throne in righteousness. Then he ascended his chariot, accompanied by the Orator and his beloved Yak-strot, and proceeding to the palace of Meaco, was proclaimed with the usual ceremonies, his relation the Fatzman and other princes of the blood assisting on this occasion. The first step he took after his elevation, was to publish a decree, or rather exhortation, to honour religion and the bonzas ; and this was no impolitic expedient : for it firmly attached that numerous and powerful tribe to his interest. His next measures did not seem to be directed by the same spirit of discretion. He admitted a parcel of raw boys, and even some individuals of the faction of Shi-tilk-ums-heit, into his council ; and though Taycho still continued to manage the reins of administration, Yak-strot was associated with him in ofiBce, to the great scandal and dis- satisfaction of the Niphonites, who hate all the Ximians with a mixture of jealousy and contempt. Fika-kaka was not the last who paid his respects to his new sovereign, by whom he was graciously received, although he did not seem quite satisfied ; because when he presented himself in his usual attitude, he had not received the kick of approbation. New reigns, new customs. This Dairo never dreamed of kicking those whom he delighted to honour. It was a secret of state which had not yet come to his knowledge ; and Yak-strot had always assured him, that kicking the breech always and every- where implied disgrace, as kicking the parts before betokens ungovernable passion. Yak-strot, however, in this particular, seems to have been too confined in his notions of the etiquette: 342 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. for it had been the custom time immemorial for the Dairos of Japan to kick their favourites and prime ministers. Besides, there are at this day different sorts of kicks used even in England, without occasioning any dishonour to the Kikee. It is sometimes a misfortune to be kicked out of place, but no dishonour. A man is often ^kicked up in the way of preferment, in order that his place may be given to a person of more interest. Then there is the amorous kick, called KicJ^um Jenny, which every gallant undergoes with pleasure : hence the old English appellation of Kicksy-wick^, bestowed on a wanton leman who knew all her paces. As for the familiar kick, it is no other than a mark of friendship : nor is it more dishonourable to be cuffed and cudgelled. Everybody knows that the alapa or box o' the ear, among the Romans, was a particular mark of favour by which their slaves were made free : and the favouritie gladiator, when he obtained his dismission from the service, was honoured with a sound cudgelling ; this being the true meaning of the phrase rude donatus. In the times of chivalry, the knight when dubbed, was well thwacked across the shoulders by his godfather in arms. Indeed, dubbing is no other than a corruption of drubbing. It was the custom formerly here and elsewhere, for a man to drub his son or apprentice as a mark of his freedom, and of his being admitted to the exercise of arms. The Paraschistes, who practised embalming in Egypt, which was counted a very honourable pro- fession, was always severely drubbed after the operation, by the friends and relations of the defunct ; and to this day, the patriarch of the Greeks once a year, on Easter-eve, when he carries out the sacred fire from the holy sepulchre of Jerusalem, is heartily cudgelled by the infidels, a certain number of whom he hires for that purpose ; and he thinks himself very unhappy and much disgraced, if he is not beaten into all the colours of the rainbow. You know the Quakers of this country think it no dishonour to receive a slap o' the face, but when you smite them on one cheek, they present the other, that it may have the same saluta- tion. The venerable father Lactantius falls out with Cicero for saying, ' A good man hurts nobody unless he is justly provoked ; ' nisi lacessitur injuria. O (cries the good father), quam simplicem veramque sententiam duorum verbotHim adjectione corrupit!- — non THE ADVENTURES OF AM ATOM. 343 minus enim mali est, referre injuriam, quam inferre. The great philosopher Socrates thought it no disgrace to be kicked by his wife Xantippe ; nay, he is said to have undergone the same dis- cipline from other people, without making the least resistance, it being his opinion that it was more courageous, consequently more honourable, to bear a drubbing patiently, than to attempt anything either in the way of self-defence or retaliation. The judicious and learned Puffendorf, in his book De Jure Gentium et Naturali, declares that a man's honour is not so fragile as to be hurt either by a box on the ear, or a kick on the breech, otherwise it would be in the power of every saucy fellow to diminish or infringe it. It must be owned, indeed, Grotius, De Jure Belli et Pacts, says, that charity does not of itself require our patiently suffering such an affront. The English have, with a most servile imitation, borrowed their punto, as well as other modes, from the French nation. Now kicking and cuffing were counted infamous among those people for these reasons : a box on the ear destroys the whole economy of their frisure, upon which they bestow the greatest part of their time and attention ; and a kick on the breech is attended with great pain and danger, as they are generally subject to the piles. This is so truly the case, that they have no less than two saints to patronise and protect the individuals afflicted with this disease. One is St. Fiacre, who was a native of the kingdom of Ireland. He presides over the blind piles. The other is a female saint, Hcemorrhoissa, and she comforts those who are distressed with the bleeding piles. No wonder, therefore, that a Frenchman put to the torture by a kick on those tender parts should be provoked to vengeance; and that this vengeance should gradually become an article in their system of punctilio. But to return to the thread of my narration. Whatever inclination the Dairo and Yak-strot had to restore the blessings of peace, they did not think proper as yet to combat the dis^ position and schemes of Orator Taycho, in consequence of whose remonstrances, the tributary treaty was immediately renewed with Brut-an-tiffi, and Gio-gio declared in the assembly of the people, that he was determined to support that illustrious ally, and carry on the war with vigour. By this time the Chinese 344 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. were in a manner expelled from their chief settlements in Fatsissio, where they now retained nothing but an inconsiderable colony, which would have submitted on the first summons ; but this Taycho left as a nest-egg to produce a new brood of dis- turbance to . the Japanese settlements, that they might not rust with too much peace and security. To be plain with you. Peacock, his thoughts were entirely alienated from this Fatsissian war, in which the interest of his country was chiefly concerned, and converted wholly to the continent of Tartary, where all his cares centered in schemes for the success of his friend Brut-an- tiffi. This freebooter had lately undergone strange vicissitudes of fortune. He had seen his chief village possessed and plundered by the enemy, but he found means, by surprise, to beat up their quarters in the beginning of winter, which always proved his best ally, because then the Mantchoux Tartars were obliged to retire to their own country, at a vast distance from the seat of the war. As for Bron-xi-tic, who commanded the Japanese army on that continent he continued, to play booty with the Chinese general, over whom he was allowed to obtain some petty advantages, which, with the trophies won by Brut-an-tiffi, were swelled up into mighty victories, to increase the infatuation of the blatant beast. On the other hand, Bron-xi-tic obliged the generals of China with the like indulgences, by now and then sacrificing a detachment of his Japanese troops, to keep up the spirits of that nation. Taycho had levied upon the people of Japan an immense sum of money for the equipment of a naval armament, the destination of which was kept a profound secret. Some politicians imagined it was designed for the conquest of Thin-quo, and all the other settlements which the Chinese possessed in the Indian ocean ; others conjectured the intention was to attack the king of Corea, who had, since the beginning of the war, acted with a shameful partiality in favour of the Emperor of China, his kinsman and ally. But the truth of the matter was this, Taycho kept the armament in the harbours of Japan ready for a descent upon the coast of China, in order to make a diversion in favour of his friend Brut-an-tiffi, in case he had run any risk of being oppressed by his enemies. However, the beast of many heads, THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM, 345 having growled and grumbled, during the best part of the summer, at the inactivity of this expensive armament, it was now thought proper to send it to sea in the beginning of winter, but was soon driven back in great distress by contrary winds and storms ; and this was all the monster had for its ten millions of obans. While Taycho amused the Mobile with this winter expedition, Yak-strot resolved to plan the scheme of economy which he had projected. He dismissed from the Dairo's service about a dozen of cooks and scullions, shut up one of the kitchens, after having sold the grates, hand-irons, spits, and saucepans, deprived the servants and officers of the household of their breakfasts, took away their usual allowance of oil and candles, retrenched their tables, reduced their proportion of drink, and persuaded the Dairo to put himself upon a diet of soup-meagre thickened with oatmeal. In a few days there was no smoke seen to ascend from the kitchens of the palace, nor did any fuel, torch, or taper blaze in the chimneys, courts, and apartments thereof, which now became the habitation of cold, darkness, and hunger. Gio- gio himself, who now turned peripatetic philosopher merely to keep himself in heat, fell into a wash-tub as he groped his way in the dark through one of the lower galleries. Two of his body guard had their whiskers gnawed off by the rats, as they slept in his ante-chamber, and their captain presented a petition, declaring, that neither he nor his men could undertake the defence of his imperial majesty's person unless their former allowance of provision should be restored. They, and all the individuals of the household, were not only punished in their bellies, but likewise curtailed in their clothing, and abridged in their stipends. The palace of Meaco, which used to be the temple of mirth, jollity, and good cheer, was now so dreary and deserted, that a certain wag fixed up a ticket on the outward gate with this inscription : " This tenement to be let, the pro- prietor having left off housekeeping." Yak-strot, however, , was resolved to show, that if the new Dairo retrenched the superfluities of his domestic expense, he did not act from avarice or poorness of spirit, inasmuch as he should now display his liberality in patronising genius and the 346 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. arts. A general jubilee was now promised to all those who had distinguished themselves by their talents or erudition. The emissaries of Yak-strot declared that Maecenas was but a type of this Ximian mountaineer, and that he was determined to search for merit, even in the thickest shades of obscurity. All these researches, however, proved so unsuccessful, that not above four or five men of genius could be found in the whole empirfe of Japan, and these were gratified with pensions of about one hundred obans each. One was a secularised Bonza from Ximo, another a malcontent poet of Niphon, a third a reformed comedian of Xicoco, a fourth, an empyric, who had outlived his practice, and a fifth, a decayed apothecary, who was bard, quack, author, chemist, philosopher, and simpler by profession. The whole of the expense arising from the favour and protection granted by the Dairo to these men of genius, did not exceed seven or eight hundred obans per annum, amounting to about fifteen hundred pounds sterling, whereas many a private Quo in Japan expended more money on a kennel of hounds. I do not mention those men of singular merit whom Yak-strot fixed in established places under the government, such as architects, astronomers, painters, physicians, barbers, &c., because their salaries were included in the ordinary expense of the crown ; I shall only observe, that a certain person who could not read was appointed librarian to his imperial majesty. These were all the men of superlative genius, that Yak-strot could find at this period in the empire of Japan. Whilst this great patriot was thus employed in executing his schemes of economy with more zeal than discretion, and in pro- viding his poor relations with lucrative offices under the govern- ment, a negotiation for peace Was brought upon the carpet by the mediation of certain neutral powers, and Orator Taycho arrogated to himself the province of discussing the several articles of the treaty. Upon this occasion he showed himself surprisingly remiss and indifferent in whatever related to the interest of Japan, particularly in regulating and fixing the boundaries of the Chinese and Japanese settlements in Fatsissio, the uncertainty of which had given rise to the war ; but when the business was to determine the claims and pretensions of his ally Brut-ari-tiffi, on THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 347 the continent of Tartary, he appeared stiff and immovable as mount Athos. He actually broke off the negotiation, because the Emperor of China would not engage to drive by force of arms the troops of his ally the princess of Ostrog, from a village or two belonging to the Tartarian freebooter, who, by the by, had left them defenceless at the beginning of the war, on purpose that his enemies might, by taking possession of them, quicken the resolutions of the Dairo to send over an army for the pro- tection of Yesso. The court of Pekin perceiving that the Japanese were rendered intolerably insolent and overbearing by success, and that an equitable peace could not be obtained while Orator Taycho managed the reins of government at Meaco, and his friend Brut- an-tifiS found anything to plunder in Tartary, resolved to fortify themselves with a new alliance. They actually entered into closer connections with the king of Corea, whp was nearly related to the Chinese emperor, had some old scores to settle with Japan, and because he desired those disputes might be amicably com- promised in the general pacification, had been grossly insulted by Taycho, in the person of his ambassador. He had for some time dreaded the ambition of the Japanese ministry, which seemed to aim at universal empire, and he was, moreover, stimulated by this outrage to conclude a defensive alliance with the Emperor of China, a measure which all the caution of the two courts could not wholly conceal from the knowledge of the Japanese poli- ticians. Meanwhile a dreadful cloud, big with ruin and disgrace, seemed to gather round the head of Brut-an-tifiS. The Mantchoux Tartars sensible of the inconvenience of their distant situation from the scene of action, which rendered it impossible for them to carry on their operations vigorously in conjunction with the Ostrog, resolved to secure winter quarters in some part of the enemy's territories, from whence they should be able to take the field, and act against him early in the spring. With this view they be- sieged and took a frontier fortress belonging to Brut-an-tifH, situated upon a great inland lake, which extended as far as the capital of the Mantchoux, who were thus enabled to send thither by water-carriage all sorts of provisions and military stores for 348 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. the use of their army, which took up their winter quarters accordingly in and about this new acquisition. It was now that the ruin of Brut-an-tiffi seemed inevitable. Orator Taycho saw with horror the precipice, to the brink of which his dear ally was driven. Not that his fears were actuated by sympathy or friend- ship. Such emotions had never possessed the heart of Taycho. No ; he trembled because he saw his own popularity connected with the fate of the Tartar. It was the success and petty triumphs of this adventurer which had dazzled the eyes of the blatant beast, so as to disorder its judgment, and prepare it for the illusions of the orator : but now that fortune seemed ready to turn tail to Brut-an-tiffi, and leave him a prey to his adver- saries, Taycho knew the dispositions of the monster so well as to prognosticate that its applause and affection would be immedi- ately turned into grumbling and disgust ; and that he himself, who had led it bhndfold into this unfortunate connection, might possibly fall a sacrifice to its resentment, provided he could not immediately project some scheme to divert its attention, and transfer the blame from his own shoulders. For this purpose he employed his invention, and succeeded to his wish. Having called a council of the Twenty-Eight, at which the Dairo assisted in person, he proposed, and insisted upon it, that a strong squadron of Fune should be immediately ordered to scour the seas, and kidnap all the vessels and ships belonging to the king of Corea, who had acted during the whole war with the most scandalous partiality in favour of the Chinese emperor, and was now so intimately connected with that potentate, by means of a secret alliance, that he ought to be prosecuted with the same hostilities which the other had severely felt. The whole council were confounded at this proposal : the Dairo stood aghast — the Cuboy trembled — Yak-strot stared like a skewered pig. After some pause, the president, Soo-san-sin-o, ventured to observe, that the measure seemed to be a little abrupt and pre- mature ; that the nation was already engaged in a very expensive war, which had absolutely drained it of its wealth, and even loaded it with enormous debts ; therefore, little able to sustain such additional burdens as would, in all probability, be occasioned by a rupture with a prince so rich and powerful. Gotto-mio THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 349 swore the land-holders were already so impoverished by the exactions of Taycho, that he himself, ere long, should be obliged to come upon the parish. Fika-kaka got up to speak, but could only cackle. Sti-phi-rum-poo was for proceeding in form by citation. Nin-com-poo-po declared he had good intelligence of a fleet of merchant ships belonging to Corea, laden with treasure, who were then on their return from the Indian isles ; and he gave it as his opinion, that they should be way-laid and brought into the harbours of Japan ; not by way of declaring war, but only with a view to prevent the money's going into the coffers of the Chinese emperor. Fokh-si-rokhu started two objections to this expedient : first, the uncertainty of falling in with the Corean fleet at sea, alleging, as an instance, the disappointment and miscarriage of the squadron which the Sey-seo-gun had sent some years ago to intercept the Chinese Fune on the coast of Fatsissio : secondly, the loss and hardship it would be to many subjects of Japan who dealt in commerce, and had great sums embarked in those very Corean bottoms. Indeed, Fokh-si-rokhu himself was interested in this very commerce. The Fatzman sat silent. Yak-strot, who had some romantic notions of honour and honesty, represented that the nation had already incurred the censure of all its neigh- bours, by seizing the merchant ships of China, without any previous declaration of war : that the law of nature and nations, confirmed by repeated treaties, prescribed a more honourable method of proceeding than that of plundering Uke robbers the ships of pacific merchants, who trade on the faith of such laws and such treaties : he was therefore of opinion, that if the king of Corea had in any shape deviated from the neutrality which he professed, satisfaction should be demanded in the usual form; and when that should be refused, it might be found necessary to proceed to compulsive measures. The Dairo acquiesced in this advice, and assured Taycho that an ambassador should be forth- with despatched to Corea, with instructions to demand an imme- diate and satisfactory explanation of that prince's conduct and designs with regard to the empire of Japan. This regular method of practice would by no means suit the purposes of Taycho, who rejected it with great insolence and dis- dain. He bit his thumb at the president ; forked out his fingers 3 so THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. on his forehead at Gotto-mio ; wagged his under-jaw at the Cuboy ; snapped his fingers at Sti-phi-rum-poo ; grinned at the Sey-seo-gun ; made the sign of the cross or gallows to Fokh-si- rokhu ; then turning to Yak-strot, he clapped his thumbs in his ears and began to bray like an ass : finally, pulling out the badge of his office, he threw it at the Dairo, who in vain entreated him to be pacified ; and wheeling to the right-about, stalked away, slapping the flat of his hand upon a certain part that shall be nameless. He was followed by his kinsman the Quo Lob-kob, who worshipped him with the most humble adoration. He now imitated this great original in the signal from behind at parting, and in him it was attended by a rumbling sound ; but whether this was the effect of contempt or compunction, I could never learn. Taycho having thus carried his point, which was to have a pretence for quitting the reins of government, made his next appeal to the blatant beast. He reminded the many-headed monster of the uninterrupted success which had attended his administration ; of his having supported the glorious Brut-an-ti£S, the great bulwark of the religion of Bupo, who had kept the common enemy at bay, and filled all Asia with the fame of his victories. He told them, that for his own part, he pretended to have subdued Fatsissio in the heart of Tartary ; that he despised honours, and had still a greater contempt for riches ; and that all his endeavours had been solely exerted for the good of his country, which was now brought to the very verge of destruction. He then gave the beast to understand that he had formed a scheme against the king of Corea, which would not only have disabled that monarch from executing his hostile intentions with respect to Japan, but also have indemnified this nation for the whole expense of the war ; but that his proposal having been rejected by the council of Twenty-Eight, who were influenced by Yak-strot, a Ximian mountaineer, without spirit or understanding, he had resigned his office with intention to retire to some solitude, where he should in silence deplore the misfortunes of his country, and the ruin of the Buponian religion, which must fall of course with its great protector Brut-an-tiffi, whom he foresaw the new ministry would immediately abandon. THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM, 35 1 This address threw Legion into such a quandary, that it rolled itself in the dirt, and yelled hideously. Meanwhile the orator retreating to a cell in the neighbourhood of Meaco, hired the common crier to go round the streets, and proclaim that Taycho, being no longer in a condition to afford anything but the bare necessaries of life, would, by public sale, dispose of his ambling mule and furniture, together with an ermined robe of his wife, and the greater part of his kitchen utensils. At this time he was well known to be worth upwards of twenty thousand gold obans ; nevertheless, the Mobile discharging this circumstance entirely from their reflection, attended to nothing but the object which the orator was pleased to present. They thought it was a piteous case, and a great scandal upon the government, that such a patriot, who had saved the nation from ruin and disgrace, should be reduced to the cruel necessity of selling his mule and his household furniture. Accordingly they raised a clamour that soon rung in the ears of Gio-gio and his favourite. It was supposed that Mura-clami suggested on this occasion to his countryman Yak-strot, the hint of offering a pension to Tay- cho, by way of remuneration for his past services. " If he refuses it," said he, " the offer will at least reflect some credit upon the Dairo and the administration ; but, should he accept of it, which is much more likely, it will either stop his mouth entirely, or expose him to the censure of the people, who now adore him as a mirror of disinterested integrity." The advice was instantly complied with : the Dairo signed a patent for a very ample pension to Taycho and his heirs, which patent Yak- strot delivered to him next day at his cell in the country. This miracle of patriotism received the bounty as a turnpike-man receives the toll, and then slapped his door full in the face of the favourite; yet nothing of what Mura-clami had prognosticated came to pass. The many-tailed monster, far from calling in question the orator's disinterestedness, considered his acceptance of the pension as a proof of his moderation, in receiving such a trifling reward for the great services he had done his country, and the generosity of the Dairo, instead of exciting the least emotion of gratitude in Taycho's own breast, acted only as a golden key to unlock all the sluices of his virulence and abuse. 3S2 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. These, however, he kept within bounds until he should see what would be the fate of Brut-an-tiffi, who now seemed to be in the condition of a criminal at the foot of the ladder. In this dilemma, he obtained a very unexpected reprieve. Before the army of the Mantchoux could take the least advantage of the settlement they had made on his frontiers, their empress died, and was succeeded by a weak prince, who no sooner ascended the throne than he struck up a peace with the Tartar freebooter, and even ordered his troops to join him against the Ostrog, to whom they had hitherto acted as auxiliaries. Such an accession of strength would have cast the balance greatly in his favour, had not providence once more interposed, and brought matters again to an equilibrium. Taycho no sooner perceived his ally thus unexpectedly delivered from the dangers that surrounded him, than he began to repent of his own resignation ; and resolved once more to force his way to the helm, by the same means he had so success- fully used before. He was, indeed, of such a turbulent disposi- tion as could not relish the repose of private life, and his spirit so corrosive, that it would have preyed upon himself, if he could not have found external food for it to devour. He therefore began to prepare his engines, and provide proper emissaries to bespatter, and raise a hue-and-cry against Yak-strot at a con- venient season ; not doubting but an occasion would soon present itself, considering the temper, inexperience, and prejudices of this Ximian politician, together with the pacific system he had adopted so contrary to the present spirit of the blatant beast. In these preparations he was much comforted and assisted by his kinsman and pupil Lob-kob, who entered into his measures with surprising zeal ; and had the good luck to light on such instruments as were admirably suited to the work in hand. Yak-strot was extremely pleased at the secession of Taycho, who had been a very troublesome colleague to him in the administra- tion, and run counter to all the schemes he had projected for the good of the empire. He now found himself at liberty to follow his own inventions, and being naturally an enthusiast, believed himself born to be the saviour of Japan. Some eiforts, however, he made to acquire popularity proved fruitless. Perceiving the THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 353 people were, by the orator's instigations, exasperated against the king of Corea, he sent a peremptory message to that prince demanding a categorical answer ; and thus being denied, declared war against him, according to the practice of all civilised nations ; but even this measure failed of obtaining that approbation for which it was taken. The monster, tutored by Taycho and his ministers, exclaimed, that the golden opportunity was lost, inas- much as, during the observance of those useless forms, the treasures of Corea were safely brought home to that kingdom ; treasures which, had they been interrupted by the Fune of Japan, would have paid off the debts of the nation, and enabled the inhabitants of Meaco to pave their streets with silver, By-the- by, this treasure existed nowhere but in the fiction of Taycho and the imagination of the blatant beast, which never attempted to use the evidence of sense or reason to examine any assertion, how absurd and improbable soever it might be, which proceeded from the mouth of the orator, Yak-strot, having now taken upon himself the task of steering the political bark, resolved to show the Japanese, that although he recommended peace, he was as well qualified as his predecessor for conducting the war. He therefore, with the assistance of the Fatzman, projected three naval enterprises; the first against Thin-quo, the conquest of which had been unsuccessfully attempted by Taycho ; the second was destined for the reduction of Fan-yah, one of the most considerable settlements belonging to the king of Corea, in the Indian Ocean ; and the third armament was sent to plunder and destroy a flourishing colony called Lli- nam, which the same prince had established almost as far to the southward as the Terra Australis Incognita. Now the only merit which either Yak-strot or any other minister could justly claim from the success of such expeditions, is that of adopting the most feasible of those schemes which are presented by different pro- jectors, and of appointing such commanders as are capable of conducting them with vigour and sagacity. The next step which the favourite took was to provide a help- mate for the young Dairo ; and a certain Tartar princess of the religion of Bupo being pitched upon for this purpose, was for- mally demanded, brought over to Niphon, espoused by Gio-gio, Z 354 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. and installed empress with the usual solemnities. But, lest the choice of a Tartarian princess should subject the Dairo to the imputation of inheriting his predecessor's predilection for the land of Yesso, which had given such sensible umbrage to all the sen- sible Japanese who made use of their own reason, he determined to detach his master gradually from those continental connections, which had been the source of such enormous expense, and such continual vexation to the empire of Japan. In these sentiments, he withheld the annual tribute which had been lately paid to Brut-an-tiffi ; by which means he saved a very considerable sum to the nation, and, at the same time, rescued it from the infamy of such a disgraceful imposition. He expected the thanks of the public for this exertion of his influence in favour of his country ; but he reckoned without his host. What he flattered himself would yield him an abundant harvest of honour and applause, produced nothing but odium and reproach, as we shall see in the sequel. These measures, pursued with an eye to the advantage of the public, which seemed to argue a considerable share of spirit and capacity, were strangely chequered with others of a more domestic nature, which savoured strongly of childish vanity, rash ambition, littleness of mind, and lack of understanding. He purchased a vast wardrobe of tawdry clothes, and fluttered in all the finery of Japan : he prevailed upon his master to vest him with the badges and trappings of all the honorary institutions of the empire, although this multiplication of orders in the person of one man was altogether without precedent or prescription. This was only setting himself up as the more conspicuous mark for envy and detraction. Not contented with engrossing the personal favour and confi- dence of his sovereign, and; in effect, directing the whole machine of government, he thought his fortune still imperfect, while the treasure of the empire passed through the hands of the Cuboy, enablihg that minister to maintain a very extensive influence, which might one day interfere with his own. He therefore employed all his invention, together with that of his friends, to find out some specious pretext for removing the old Cuboy from his office ; and in a little time accident afforded what all their intrigues had not been able to procure. THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 355 Ever since the demise of Got-hama-baba, poor Fika-kaka had been subject to a new set of vagaries. The death of his old master gave him a rude shock ; then the new Dairo encroached upon his province, by preferring a Bonza without his consent or knowledge : finally, he was prevented by the express order of Gio-gio from touching a certain sum out of the treasury, which he had been accustomed to throw out of his windows at stated periods, in order to keep up an interest among the dregs of the people. All these mortifications had an efiect upon the weak brain of the Cuboy. He began to loathe his usual food, and sometimes even declined showing himself to the Bonzas at his levee ; symptoms that alarmed all his friends and dependants. Instead of frequenting the assemblies of the great, he now attended assiduously at all groanings and christenings, grew extremely fond of caudle, and held conferences with practitioners, both male and female, in the art of midwifery. When business or ceremony obUged him to visit any of the quos or Quanbukus of Meaco, he, by a surprising instinct, ran directly to the nursery, where, if there happened to be a chUd in the cradle, he took it up, and if it was foul, wiped it with great care and seeming satisfaction. He, moreover, learned of the good women to sing lullabies, and prac- tised them with uncommon success : but the most extravagant of all his whims was what he exhibited one day in his own court- yard. Observing a nest with some eggs, which the goose had quitted, he forthwith dropped his trousers, and squatting down in the attitude of incubation, began to stretch out his neck, to hiss and to cackle, as if he had been really metamorphosed into the animal whose place he now supplied. It was on the back of this adventure that one of the Bonzas, as prying and as great a gossip as the barber of Midas, in pay- ing his morning worship to the Cuboy's posteriors, spied some- thing, or rather nothing, and was exceedingly afirighted. He communicated his discovery and apprehension to divers others of the cloth ; and they were all of opinion that some efifectual inquisi- tion should be held on this phenomenon, lest the clergy of Japan should be hereafter scandalised, as having knowingly kissed the breech of an old woman, perhaps a monster or magician. Infor- mation was accordingly made to the Dairo, who gave orders for 356 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. immediate inspection ; and Fika-kaka was formerly examined by a jury of matrons. Whether these were actuated by undue influ- ence, I shall not at present explain ; certain it is, they found their verdict, the Cuboy «o« mas; and among other evidences produced to attest his metamorphosis, a certain Ximian, who pretended to have the second sight, made oath that he had one evening seen the said Fika-kaka in a female dress riding through the air on a broomstick. The unhappy Cuboy being thus convicted, was divested of his oiSce, and confined to his palace in the country ; while Gio-gio, by the advice of his favourite, published a pro- clamation, declaring it was not for the honour of Japan that her treasury should be managed either by a witch or an old woman. Fika-kaka, being thus removed, Yak-strot was appointed treasurer and Cuboy in his place, and now ruled the roast with uncontrolled authority. On the very threshold of his greatness, however, he made a false step, which was one cause of his totter- ing during the whole sequel of his administration. In order to refute the calumnies and defeat the intrigues of Taycho in the assemblies of the people, he chose as an associate in the ministry Fokh-si-rokhu, who was at that instant the most unpopular man in the whole empire of Japan ; and at the instigation of this col- league, deprived of bread a great number of poor families, who subsisted on petty places which had been bestowed upon them by the former Cuboy. Those were so many mouths open to aug- ment the clamour against his own person and administration. It might be imagined, that while he thus set one part of the nation at defiance, he would endeavour to cultivate the other ; and, in particular, strive to conciliate the goodwill of the nobility, who did not see his exaltation without umbrage. But instead of ingratiating himself with them by a liberal turn of demeanour ; by treating them with frankness and affability; granting them favours with a good grace ; making entertainments for them at his palace ; and mixing in their social parties of pleasure ; Yak- strot always appeared on the reserve, and under all his finery, continually wore a doublet of buckram, which gave an air of stiffness and constraint to his whole behaviour. He studied postures, and, in giving audience, generally stood in the attitude of the idol Fo ; so that he sometimes was mistaken for an image THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 3S7 of stone. He formed a scale of gesticulation in a great variety of divisions, comprehending the slightest inclination of the head, the front-nod, the side-nod, the bow, the half, the semi-demi-bow, with the shuffle, the slide, the circular, semi-circular, and quadrant sweep of the right foot. With equal care and precision did he model the economy of his looks into the divisions and sub- divisions of the full-stare, the side-glance, the pensive look, the pouting look, the gay look, the vacant look, and the stolid look. To these different expressions of the eye he suited the cor- responding features of the nose and mouth ; such as the wrinkled nose, the retorted nose, the sneer, the grin, the simper, and the smile. All these postures and gesticulations he practised, and distributed occasionally, according to the difference of rank and importance of the various individuals with whom he had com- munication. But these affected airs being assumed in despite of nature, he appeared as awkward as a native of Angola when he is first hampered with clothes, or a Highlander, obliged by act of parlia- ment to wear breeches. Indeed, the distance observed by Yak- strot in his behaviour to the nobles of Niphon, was imputed to his being conscious of a sulphureous smell which came from his own body ; so that greater familiarity on his side might have bred contempt. He took delight in no other conversation but that of two or three obscure Ximians, his companions and coun- sellors, with whom he spent all his leisure time, in conferences upon politics, patriotism, philosophy, and the Belles Lettres. Those were the oracles he consulted in all the emergencies of state ; and with these he spent many an attic evening. The gods, not yet tired of sporting with the farce of human government, were still resolved to show by what inconsider- able springs a mighty empire may be moved. The new Cuboy was vastly well disposed to make his Ximian favourites great men. It was in his power to bestow places and pensions upon them ; but it was not in his power to give them consequence in the eyes of the public. The administration of Yak-strot could not fail of being propitious to his own family and poor relations, who were very numerous. Their naked backs and hungry bellies were now clothed with the richest stuffs, and fed with the fat 358 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. things of Japan. Every department, civil and military, was filled with Ximians. Those islanders came over in shoals to Niphon, and swarmed in the streets of Meaco, where they were easily dis- tinguished by their lank sides, gaunt looks, lanthorn jaws, and long sharp teeth. There was a fatality that attended the whole conduct of this unfortunate Cuboy. His very partiality to his own countrymen brought upon him at last the curses of the whole clan. Mr. Orator Taycho and his kinsman Lob-kob were not idle in the meantime. They provided their emissaries, and primed all their engines. Their understrappers filled every corner of Meaco with rumours, jealousies, and suspicions. Yak-strot was repre-» sented as a statesman without discernment, a minister without knowledge, and a man without humanity. He was taxed with insupportable pride, indiscretion, pusillanimity, rapacity, partiality; and breach of faith. It was affirmed that he had dishonoured the nation, and endangered the very existence of the Buponian religion, in withdrawing the annual subsidy from the great Brut-an-tiffi ; that he wanted to starve the war, and betray the glory and advan- tage of the empire by a shameful peace : that he had avowedly shared his administration with the greatest knave in Japan : that he treated the nobles of Niphon with insolence and contempt : that he had suborned evidence against the ancient Cuboy Fika- kaka, who had spent a long life and an immense fortune in supporting the temple of Fakku-basi : that he had cruelly turned adrift a great number of helpless families, in order to gratify his own worthless dependents with their spoils : that he had enriched his relations and countrymen with the plunder of Niphon : that his intention was to bring over the whole nation of Ximians, a savage race, who had been ever perfidious, greedy, and hostile, towards the natives of the other Japanese islands. Nay, they were described as monsters in nature, with cloven feet, long tails, saucer eyes, iron fangs and claws, who would first devour the substance of the Niphonites, and then feed upon their blood. Taycho had Legion's understanding so much in his power, that he actually made it believe Yak-strot had formed a treasonable scheme in favour of a foreign adventurer who pretended to the throne of Japan, and that the reigning Dairo was an accomplice in this project for his own deposition. Indeed, they did not THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 3S9 scruple to say that Gio-gio was no more than a puppet, moved by his own grandmother and this vile Ximian, between whom, they hinted, there was a secret correspondence which reflected very little honour on the family of the Dairo. Mr. Orator Taycho and his associate Lob-kob left no stone unturned to disgrace the favourite, and drive him from the helm. They struck up an alliance with the old Cuboy Fika-kaka ; and fetching him from his retirement, produced him to the beast as a martyr of loyalty and virtue. They had often before this period exposed him to the derision of the populace ; but now they set him up as the object of veneration and esteem ; and everything succeeded to their wish. Legion hoisted Fika-kaka on his back, and paraded through the streets of Meaco, braying hoarse encomiums on the great talents and great virtues of the ancient Cuboy. His cause was now espoused by his old friend Sti-phi- rum-poo and Nin-kom-poo-po, who had been turned adrift along with him, and by several other Quos who had nestled them- selves in warm places, under the shadow of his protection : but it was remarkable, that not one of all the Bonzas who owed their preferment to his favour, had gratitude enough to follow his fortune, or pay the least respect to him in the day of his disgrace. Advantage was also taken of the disgust occasioned by Yak-strot's reserve among the nobles of Japan. Even the Fatzman was estranged from the councils of his kinsman Gio-gio, and lent his name and countenance to the malcontents, who now formed them- selves into a very formidable cabal, comprehending a great number of the first Quos in the empire. In order to counterbalance this confederacy, which was a strange coalition of jarring interests, the new Cuboy endeavoured to strengthen his administration, by admitting into a share of it Gotto-mio, who dreaded nothing so much as the continuation of the war, and divers other noblemen, whose alliance contributed very little to his interest or advantage. Gotto-mio was universally envied for his wealth, and detested for his avarice ; the rest were either of the She-it-kum-sheit-el faction, which had been long in disgrace with the Mobile, or men of desperate fortunes and loose morals, who attached themselves to the Ximian favourite solely on account of the posts and pensions he had to bestow. 360 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. During these domestic commotions, the arms of Japan con- tinued to prosper in the Indian Ocean. Thin-quo was reduced almost without opposition ; and news arrived that the conquest of Fan-yah was already more than half achieved. At the same time, some considerable advantages were gained over the enemy on the continent of Tartary, by the Japanese forces under the command of Bron-xi-tic. It might be naturally supposed that these events would have in some measure reconciled the Niphonites to the new ministry ; but they produced rather a con- trary effect. The blatant beast was resolved to rejoice at no victories but those that were obtained under the auspices of its beloved Taycho ; and now took it highly amiss that Yak-strot should presume to take any step which might redound to the glory of the empire. Nothing could have pleased the monster at this juncture so much as the miscarriage of both expeditions, and a certain information that all the troops and ships employed in them had miserably perished. The king of Corea, however, was so alarmed at the progress of the Japanese before Fan-yah, that he began to tremble for all his distant colonies, and earnestly craved the advice of the cabinet of Pekln touching some scheme to make a diversion in their favour. The councils of Pekin have been ever fruitful of intrigues to embroil the rest of Asia. They suggested a plan to the king of Corea, which he forthwith put in execution. The land of Fumma, which borders on the Corean territories, was governed by a prince nearly allied to the king of Corea, although his subjects had very intimate connections in the way of commerce with the empire of Japan, which indeed had entered into an offensive and defensive alliance with this country. The Emperor of China and the king of Corea having sounded the sovereign of Fumma, and found him well disposed to enter into their measures, communicated their scheme, in which he immediately concurred. They called upon him in public, as their friend and ally, to join them against the Japanese, as the inveterate enemy of the religion of Fo, and as an insolent people, who affected a despotism at sea, to the detri- ment and destruction of all their neighbours ; plainly declaring, that he must either immediately break with the Dairo, or expect an invasion on the side of Corea. The prince of Fumma affected THE ABVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 361 to complain loudly of this iniquitous proposal ; he made a merit of rejecting the alternative; and immediately demanded of the court of Meaco the succours stipulated in the treaty of alliance, in order to defend his dominions. In all appearance, indeed, there was no time to be lost ; for the monarchs of China and Corea declared war against him without further hesitation ; and, uniting their forces on that side, ordered them to enter the land of Fumma, after having given satisfactory assurances in private that the prince had nothing to fear from their hostilities. Yak-strot was not much embarrassed on this occasion. With- out suspecting the least collusion among the parties, he resolved to take the prince of Fumma under his protection, thereunto moved by divers considerations. First and foremost, he piqued himself ufwn his good faith ; secondly, he knew that the trade with Fumma was of great consequence to Japan, and therefore con- cluded that his supporting the sovereign of it would be a popular measure ; thirdly, he hoped that the multiplication of expense incurred by this new war would make the blatant beast wince under its burden, and of consequence reconcile it to the thoughts of a general pacification, which he had very much at heart. Meanwhile he hastened the necessary succours to the land of Fumma, and sent thither an old general, called Le-yaw-ter, in order to concert with the prince and his ministers the operations of the campaign. This officer was counted one of the shrewdest poUticians in Japan ; and, having resided many years as ambassador in Fumma, was well acquainted with the genius of that people. He imme- diately discovered the scene which had been acted behind the curtain. He found that the prince of Fumma, far from having made any preparations for his own defence, had actually with- drawn his garrisons from the frontier places, which were by this time peaceably occupied by the invading army of Chinese and Coreans ; that the few troops he had were without clothes, arms, and discipline ; and that he had amused the court of Meaco with false musters, and a specious account of levies and preparations which had been made. In a word, though he could not learn the particulars, he comprehended the whole mystery of the secret negotiations. He upbraided the minister of Fumma with perfidy ; 362 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. refused to assume the command of the Japanese auxiliaries when they arrived; and, returning to Meaco, communicated his dis- coveries and suspicions to the new Cuboy. But he did not meet with that reception which he thought he deserved for intelligencie of such importance. Yak-strot affected to doubt ; perhaps he was not really convinced ; or, if he was, thought proper to tem- porise ; and he was in the right for so doing. A rupture with Fumma at this juncture would have forced the prince to declare openly for the enemies of Japan ; in which case, the inhabitants of Niphon would have lost the benefit of a very advantageous trade. They had already been great sufferers in commerce by the breech with the king of Corea, whose subjects had been used to take off great quantities of the Japanese manufactures, for which they paid in gold and silver ; and they could ill bear such an additional loss as an interruption of the trade with Fumma would have occasioned. The Cuboy, therefore, continued to treat the prince of that country as a staunch ally, who had sacrificed every other consideration to his good faith ; and far from restrict- ing himself to the number of troops and Fune stipulated in the treaty, sent over a much more numerous body of forces and ships of war ; declaring, at the same time, he would support the people of Fumma with the whole power of Japan. Such a considerable diversion of the Japanese strength could not fail to answer in some measure the expectation of the two sovereigns of China and Corea ; but it did not prevent the success of the expeditions which were actually employed against their colonies in the Indian Ocean. It was not in his power, however, to protect Fumma, had the invaders been in earnest ; but the combined army of the Chinese and Coreans had orders to protract the war ; and, instead of penetrating to the capital, at a time when the Fummians, though joined with the auxiliaries of Japan, were not numerous enough to look them in the face, they made a full stop in the middle of their march, and quietly retired into summer quarters. The additional encumbrance of a new continental war redoubled the Cuboy's desire of peace ; and his inclination being known to the enemy, who were also sick of the war, they had recourse to the good offices of a certain neutral power, called Sab-oi, sovereign THK ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 363 of the mountains of Cambodia. This prince accordingly offered his mediation at the court of Meaco, and it was immediately accepted. The negotiation for peace which had been broke off in the ministry of Taycho was now resumed; an ambassador plenipotentiary arrived from Pekin ; and Gotto-mio was sent thither in the same capacity, in order to adjust the articles, and sign the preliminaries of peace. While this new treaty was on the carpet, the armament equipped against Fan-yah under the command of the Quo Kep- marl, and the brave admiral who had signalised himself in the sea of Kamtschatka, reduced that important place, where they became masters of a strong squadron of Furie belonging to the king of Corea, together with a very considerable treasure, suffi- cient to indemnify Japan for the expense of the expedition. This, though the most grievous, was not the only disaster which the war brought upon the Coreans. Their distant settlement of Lli-nam was likewise taken by general Tra-rep, and the inhabitants paid an immense sum in order to redeem their capital from plunder* These successes did not at all retard the conclusion of the treaty, which was indeed become equally necessary to all the parties concerned. Japan in particular was in danger of being ruined by her conquests. The war had destroyed so many men, that the whole empire could not afford a sufficiency of recruits for the maintenance of the land forpes. All those who had con- quered Fatsissio and Fan-yah, were already destroyed by hard duty and the diseases of those unhealthy climates ; above two- thirds of the Fune were rotten in the course of service ; and the complements of mariners reduced to less than one-half of their original numbers. Troops were actually wanting to garrison the new conquests. The finances of Japan were by this time drained to the bottom. One of her chief resources was stopped by the rupture with Corea, while her expenses were considerably aug- mented, and her national credit was stretched even to cracking. All these considerations stimulated more and more the Dairo and his Cuboy to conclude the work of peace. Meanwhile the enemies of Yak-strot gave him no quarter nor respite. They vilified his parts, traduced his morals, endeavoured to intimidate him with threats which did not even respect the 364 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. Dairo, and never failed to insult him whenever he appeared in public. It had been the custom, time immemorial, for the chief magistrate of Meaco to make an entertainment for the Dairo and his empress, immediately after their nuptials, and to this banquet all the great Quos in Japan were invited. The person who filled the chair at present was Rhum-kikh, a half-witted politician, self-conceited, headstrong, turbulent, and ambitious ; a professed worshipper of Taycho, whose oratorial talents he admired, and attempted to imitate in the assemblies of the people, where he generally excited the laughter of his audience. By dint of great wealth and extensive traffic, he became a man of consequence among the mob, notwithstanding an illiberal turn of mind, and an ungracious address ; and now he resolved to use this influence for the glory of Taycho, and the disgrace of the Ximian favourite. Legion was tutored for the purpose, and moreover, well primed with a fiery caustic spirit, in which Rhum-kikh was a considerable dealer. The Dairo and his young empress were received by him and his council with a sullen formality in profound silence. The Cuboy was pelted as he passed along, and his litter almost over- turned by the monster, which yelled, and brayed, and hooted, without ceasing, until he was housed in the city-hall, where he met with every sort of mortification from the entertainer as well as the spectators. At length Mr. Orator Taycho, with his cousin Lob-kob, appearing in a triumphal car at the city-gate, the blatant beast received them with loud huzzas, unharnessed their horses, and, putting itself in the traces, drew them through the streets of Meaco, which resounded with acclamation. They were received with the same exultation within the hall of entertain- ment, where their sovereign and his consort sat altogether un- honoured and unnoticed. A small squadron of Chinese Fune having taken possession of a defenceless fishery belonging to Japan, in the neighbourhood of Fatsissio, the emissaries of Taycho magnified this event into a terrible misfortune, arising from the mal-administration of the new Cuboy ; nay, they did not scruple to affirm that he had left the fishing-town defenceless, on purpose that it might be taken by the enemy. This clamour, however, was of short duration. The Quo Phyll-KhoU, who commanded a few Fune in one of the THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 365 harbours of Fatsissio, no sooner received intelligence of what had happened, than he embarked what troops were at hand, and sailing directly to the place, obliged the enemy to abandon their conquest with precipitation and disgrace. In the midst of these transactions, the peace was signed, ratified, and even approved in the great national council of the Quos, as well as in the assembly of the people. The truth is, the minister of Japan has it always in his power to secure a majority in both these conventions, by means that may be easily guessed ; and those were not spared on this occasion. Yak-strot in a speech harangued the great council, who were not a little surprised to hear him speak with such propriety and extent of knowledge ; for he had been represented as tongue-tied, and, in point of elocution, little better than the palfrey he rode. He now vindicated all the steps he had taken since his accession to the helm ; he demonstrated the necessity of a pacification ; explained and descanted upon every article of the treaty ; and, finally, declared his conscience was so clear in this matter, that when he died he should desire no other encomium to be engraved on his tomb, but that he was the author of this peace. Nevertheless, the approbation of the council was not obtained without violent debate and altercation. The different articles were censured and inveighed against by the Fatzman, the late Cuboy Fika-kaka, Lob-kob, Sti-phi-rum-poo, Nin-kom-poo-po, and many other Quos ; but at the long run, the influence of the present ministry predominated. As for Taycho, he exerted him- self in a very extraordinary effort to depreciate the peace in the assembly of the people. He had for some days pretended to be dangerously ill, that he might make a merit of his patriotism, by showing a contempt for his own life when the good of his country was at stake. In order to excite the admiration of the public, and render his appearance in the assembly the more striking, he was carried thither on a kind of hand-barrow, wrapped up in flannel, with three woollen night-caps on his head, escorted by Legion, which yelled, and brayed, and whooped and hallooed, with such vociferation, that every street of Meaco rung with hideous clamour. In this equipage did Taycho enter the assembly, where being held up by two adherents, he after a prelude of 366 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM> groans to rouse the attention of his audience, began to declaim against the peace as inadequate, shameful, and disadvantageous ; nay, he ventured to stigmatise every separate article, though he knew it was in the power of each individual of his hearers to confront him with the terms to which he had subscribed the pre- ceding year, in all respects, less honourable and advantageous to his country. Inconsistencies equally glaring and absurd he had often crammed down the throats of the multitude; but they would not go down with this assembly of the people, which, in spite of his flannel, his nightcaps, his crutches, and his groans, confirmed the treaty of peace by a great majority. Not that they had any great reason to applaud the peace-makers, who might have dictated their own terms, had they proceeded with more sagacity and less precipitation. But Fokh-si-rokhu and his brother-undertakers, having the treasure of Japan at their command, had anointed the greatest part of the assembly with a certain precious salve, which preserved them effectually from the fascinating arts of Taycho. ' This orator, incensed at his bad success within doors, renewed and redoubled his operations without. He exasperated Legion against Yak-strot to such a pitch of rage, that the monster could not hear the Cuboy's name three times pronounced without falling into fits. His confederate Lob-kob, in the course of his researches, found out two originals admirably calculcated for executing, his vengeance against the Ximian favourite. One of theni, called Llur-chir, a profligate Bonza, degraded for his lewd life, possessed a wonderful talent of exciting different passions in the blatant beast, by dint of quaint rhymes, which were said to be inspirations of the demon of obloquy, to whom he had sold his soul. These oracles not only commanded the passions, but even influenced the organs of the beast in such a manner, as to occasion an evacuation either upwards or downwards, at the pleasure of the operator. The other, known by the name of Jan-ki-dtzin, was counted the best marksman in Japan in the art and mystery of dirt-throwing. He possessed the art of making balls of filth, which were famous for sticking and stinking ; and these he threw with such dexterity, that they very seldom missed their aim. Being reduced to a low ebb of fortune by his THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 367 debaucheries, he had made advances to the new Cuboy, who had rejected his proffered services, on account of his immoral character ; a prudish punctilio, which but ill became Yak-strot, who had paid very little regard to reputation in choosing some of the colleagues he had associated in his administration. Be that as it may, he no sooner understood that Mr. Orator Taycho was busy in preparing for an active campaign, than he likewise began to put himself in a posture of defence. He hired a body of mercenaries, and provided some dirt-men and rhymers. Then, taking the field, a sharp contest and pelting match ensued ; but the dispute was soon terminated. Yak-strot's versifiers turned out no great conjurers on the trial. They were not such favourites of the demon as Llur-chir. The rhymes they used produced no other effect upon Legion but that of setting it a- braying. The Cuboy's dirt-men, however, played their parts tolerably well. Though their balls were inferior in point of composition to those of Jan-ki-dtzin, they did not fail to discom^^ pose Orator Taycho and his friend Lob-koby whose eyes were seen to water with the smart occasioned by those missUes ; but these last had a great advantage over their adversaries, in the zeal and attachment of Legion, whose numerous tongues were always ready to lick oif the ordure that stuck to any part of their leaders ; and this they did with such signs of satisfaction, as seemed to indicate an appetite for all manner of filth. Yak-strot having suffered wofuUy in his own person, and seeing his partisans in confusion, thought proper to retreat. Yet although discomfited, he was not discouraged. On the contrary, having at bottom a fund of fanaticism, which, like camomile, grows the faster for being trod upon, he became more obstinately bent than ever upon prosecuting his own schemes for the good of the people in their own despite. His vanity was likewise buoyed up by the flattery of his creatures, who extolled the passive courage he had shown in the late engage- ment. Though every part of him still tingled and stunk, from the balls of the enemy, he persuaded himself that not one of their missiles had taken place; and of consequence, that there was something of divinity in his person. Full of this notion, he discarded his rhymsters and his dirt-casters as unnecessary, and 368 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. resolved to bear the brunt of the battle in his own individual person. Fokh-si-rokhu advised him, nevertheless, to fill his trousers with gold obans, which he might throw at Legion, in case of necessity, assuring him that this was the only ammunition which the monster could not withstand. The advice was good ; and the Cuboy might have followed it without being obliged to the treasury of Japan ; for he was by this time become immensely rich, in consequence of having found a hoard in digging his garden ; but this was an expedient which Yak-strot could never be prevailed upon to use, either on this or any other occasion. Indeed, he was now so convinced of his own personal energy, that he persuaded his master Gio-gio to come forth, and see it operate on the blatant beast. Accordingly the Dairo ascended his car of state, while the Cuboy, arrayed in all his trappings, stood before him with the reins in his own hand, and drove directly to the enemy, who waited for him without flinching. Being arrived within dung-shot of Jan-ki-dtzin, he made a halt, and putting himself in the attitude of the idol Fo, with a simper in his countenance, seemed to invite the warrior to make a full dis- charge of his artillery. He did not long wait in suspense. The balls soon began to whiz about his ears ; and a great number took effect upon his person. At length, he received a shot upon his right temple, which brought him to the ground. All his gew- gaws fluttered, and his buckram doublet rattled as he fell. Llur- chir no sooner beheld him prostrate, than advancing with the monster, he began to repeat his rhymes, at which every mouth and every tail of Legion was opened, and lifted up ; and such a torrent of filth squirted from these channels, that the unfortunate Cuboy was quite overwhelmed. Nay, he must have been actually suffocated where he lay, had not some of the Dairo's attendants interposed, and rescued him from the vengeance of the monster. He was carried home in such an unsavoury pickle, that his family smelled his disaster long before he came in sight ; and when he appeared in this woful condition, covered with ordure, blinded with dirt, and even deprived of sense and motion, his wife was seized with hysterica passio. He was immediately stripped and washed, and other means being THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 369 used for his recovery, he in a little time retrieved his recol- lection. He was now pretty well undeceived with respect to the divinity of his person ; but his enthusiasm took a new turn. He aspired to the glory of martyrdom, and resolved to devote him- self as a victim to patriotic virtue. While his attendants were employed in washing off the filth that stuck to his beard, he recited, in a theatrical tone, the stanza of a famous Japanese bard, whose soul afterwards transmigrated into the body of a Roman poet, Horatius Flaccus, and inspired him with the same sentiment, in the Latin tongue : Virtus repulsse nescia sordidse Intaminatis fulget honoribus ; Nee sumit, aut ponit secures Arbitrio popularis aurs. His friends hearing him declare his resolution of dying for his country, began to fear that his understanding was disturbed. They advised him to yield to the torrent, which was become too impetuous to stem ; to resign the Cuboyship quietly, and reserve his virtues for a more favourable occasion. In vain his friends remonstrated : in vain his wife and children employed their tears and entreaties to the same purpose. He lent a deaf ear to all their solicitations, until they began to drop some hints that seemed to imply a suspicion of his insanity, which alarmed him exceed- ingly ; and the Dairo himself signifying to him in private, that it was become absolutely necessary to temporise, he resigned the reins of government with a heavy heart, though not before he was assured that he should still continue to exert his influence behind the curtain. Gio-gio's own person had not escaped untouched in the last skirmish. Jan-ki-dtzin was transported to such a pitch of insolence, that he aimed some balls at the Dairo, and one of them taking place exactly betwixt the eyes, defiled his whole visage. Had the laws of Japan been executed in all their severity against this audacious plebeian, he would have suffered crucifixion on the spot : but Gio-gio, being good-natured even to a fault, contented himself with ordering some of his attendants 2 A 370 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. to apprehend and put him in the public stocks, after having seized the whole cargo of filth which he had collected at his habitation, for the manufacture of his balls. Legion was no sooner informed of his disgrace, than it released him by force, being therein comforted and abetted by the declaration of a puny magistrate, called PrafF-patt-phogg, who seized this, as the only opportunity he should ever find of giving himself any consequence in the commonwealth. Accordingly, the monster hoisting him and Jan-ki-dtzin on their shoulders, went in procession through the streets of Meaco, hallooing, huzzaing, and extolling this venerable pair of patriots, as the Palladia of the liberty of Japan. The monster's officious zeal on this occasion was far from being agreeable to Mr. Orator Taycho, who took umbrage at this exaltation of his two understrappers, and from that moment devoted Jan-ki-dtzin to destruction. The Dairo finding it abso- lutely necessary for the support of his government, that this dirt-monger should be punished, gave directions for trying him according to the laws of the land. He was ignominiously expelled from the assembly of the people, where his old patron Taycho not only disclaimed him, but even represented him as a worthless atheist and sower of sedition : but he escaped the weight of a more severe sentence in another tribunal, by retreat- ing without beat of drum into the territories of China, where he found an asylum, from whence he made divers ineffectual appeals to the multitudinous beast at Niphon. As for Yak-strot, he was everything but a downright martyr to the odium of the public which produced a ferment all over the nation. His name was become a term of reproach. He was burnt or cruci- fied in efHgy in every city, town, village, and district of Niphon. Even his own countrymen, the Ximians, held him in abhorrence and execration. Notwithstanding his partiality to the natale solum, he had not been able to provide for all those adventurers who came from thence, in consequence of his promotion. The whole number of the disappointed became his enemies of course ; and the rest finding themselves exposed to the animosity and ill offices of their fellow-subjects of Niphon, who hated the whole community for his sake, inveighed against Yak-strot as the curse of their nation. THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATQM. 3/1 In the midst of all this detestation and disgrace, it must be owned, for the sake of truth, that Yak-strot was one of the honestest men in Japan, and certainly the greatest benefactor to the empire. Just, upright, sincere, and charitable ; his heart was susceptible of friendship and tenderness. He was a virtuous husband, a fond father, a kind master, and a zealous friend. In his public capacity, he had nothing in view but the advantage of Japan, in the prosecution of which, he flattered himself he should be able to display all the abilities of a profound statesman, and all the virtues of the most sublime patriotism. It was here he overrated his own importance. His virtue became the dupe of his vanity. Nature had denied him shining talents, as well as that easiness of deportment, that affability, liberal turn, and ver- satile genius, without which no man can ever figure at the head of an administration. Nothing could be more absurd than his being charged with want of parts and understanding to guide the helm of government, considering how happily it had been con- ducted for many years by Fika-kaka, whose natural genius would have been found unequal even to the art and mystery of wool- combing. Besides, the war had prospered in his hands as much as it ever did under the auspices of his predecessor ; though, as I have before observed, neither the one nor the other could justly claim any merit from its success. But Yak-strot's services to the public were much more impor- tant in another respect. He had the resolution to dissolve the shameful and pernicious engagements which the empire had con- tracted on the continent of Tartary. He lightened the intolerable burdens of the empire ; he saved its credit, when it was stretched even to bursting. He made a peace, which, if not the most glorious that might have been obtained, was at least the most solid and advantageous that ever Japan had concluded with any power whatsoever; and, in particular, much more honourable, useful, and ascertained, than that which Taycho had agreed to subscribe the preceding year ; and by this peace he put an end to all the horrors of a cruel war, which had ravaged the best parts of Asia, and destroyed the lives of six hundred thousand men every year. On the whole, Yak-strot's good qualities were respectable. There was very little vicious in his composition. 372 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. and as to his follies, they were rather the subjects of ridicule than of resentment. Yak-strot's subalterns in the ministry rejoiced in secret at his running so far into the north of Legion's displeasure; nay, it was shrewdly suspected that some of their emissaries had been very active against him in the day of his discomfiture. They flattered themselves, that if he could be effectually driven from the presence of the Dairo, they would succeed to his influence ; and in the meantime would acquire popularity, by turning tail to, and kicking at the Ximian favourite, who had associated them in the administration, in consequence of their vowing eternal attach- ment to his interest, and constant submission to his will. Having held a secret conclave, to concert their operations, they began to execute their plan, by seducing Yak-strot into certain odious measures of raising new impositions on the people, which did not fail, indeed, to increase the clamour of the blatant beast, and pro- mote its filthy discharge upwards and downwards ; but then the torrents were divided, and many a tail was lifted up against the real projectors of the scheme which the favourite had adopted. They now resolved to make a merit with the Mobile, by picking a German quarrel with Strot, and insulting him in public. Gotto-mio caused a scrubbing post to be set up in the night, at the Cuboy's door. The scribe Zan-ti-fic presented him with a scheme for the importation of brimstone into the island of Ximo ; the other scribe pretended he could not spell the barbarous names of the Cuboy's relations and countrymen, who were daily thrust into the most lucrative employ- ments. As for Twitz-er the Financier, he never approached Yak-strot without clawing his knuckles in derision. At the council of Twenty-Eight, they thwarted every plan he proposed, and turned into ridicule every word he spoke. At length they bluntly told the Dairo, that as Yak-strot resigned the reins of administration in public, he must likewise give up his manage- ment behind the curtain, for they were not at all disposed to answer to the people for measures dictated by an invisible agent. This was but a reasonable demand, in which the emperor seemed to acquiesce ; but the new ministers thought it was requisite that they should commit some overt act of contempt for the abdicated Cuboy. One of his nearest relations had obtained a profitable THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 373 office in the island of Ximo, and of this the new cabal insisted he should be immediately deprived. The Dairo remonstrated against the injustice of turning a man out of his place for no other reason but to satisfy their caprice, and plainly told them he could not do it without infringing his honour, as he had given his word that the possessor should enjoy the post for life. Far from being satisfied with this declaration, they urged their demand with redoubled importunity, mixed with menaces, which equally embarrassed and incensed the good-natured Dairo. At last Yak- strot, taking compassion upon his indulgent master, prevailed upon his kinsman to release him from the obligation of his word, by making a voluntary resignation of his office. The Dairo fell sick of vexation ; his life was despaired of, and all Japan was filled with alarm and apprehension at the prospect of an infant's ascending the throne, for the heir-apparent was still in the cradle. Their fears, however, were happily disappointed by the re- covery of the emperor, who, to prevent as much as possible the inconveniences that might attend his demise, during the minority of his son, resolved that a regency should be established and ratified by the states of the empire. The plan of this regency he concerted in private with the venerable princess his grand- mother, and his friend Yak-strot, and then communicated the design to his ministers, who, knowing the quarter from whence it had come, treated it with coldness and contempt. They were so elevated by their last triumph over the Ximian favourite, that they overlooked every obstacle to their ambition, and determined to render the Dairo dependent on them, and them only. With this view they threw cold water on the present measure ; and to mark their hatred of the favourite more strongly in the eyes of Legion, they endeavoured to exclude the name of his patroness the Dairo's grandmother, from the deed of regency, though their malice was frustrated by the vigilance of Yak-strot and the in- dignation of the states, who resented this affront offered to the family of their sovereign. The tyranny of this junto became so intolerable to Gio-gio, that he resolved to shake off their yoke, whatever might be the consequence ; but before any effectual step was taken for this 574 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. purpose, Yak-strot, who understood mechanics, and had studied the art of puppet playing, tried an experiment on the organs of the cabal, which he tempered with individually without success. Instead of uttering what he prompted, the sounds came out quite altered in their passage. Gotto-mio grunted, the Financier Twitz-er bleated, or rather brayed ; one scribe mewed like a cat, the other yelped like a jackall. In short, they were found so perverse and refractory, that the master of the motion kicked them off the stage, and supplied the scene with a new set of puppets made of very extraordinary materials. They were the very figures through whose pipes the charge of mal-administration had been so loudly sounded against the Ximian favourite. They were now mustered by the Fatzman, and hung upon the pegs of the very same puppet-showman against whom they had so vehemently inveighed. Even the superannuated Fika-kaka appeared again upon the stage as an actor of some consequence, and insisted upon it, that his metamorphosis was a mere calumny; but Taycho and Lob-kob kept aloof, because Yak-strot had not yet touched them on the proper keys. The first exhibition of the new puppets was called Topsy-turvy^ a farce in which they overthrew all the paper houses which their predecessors had built ; but they performed their parts in such Confusion, that Yak-strot interposing to keep them in order received divers contusions and severe kicks on the shins, which ■ made his eyes water ; and, indeed, he had in a little time reason enough to repent of the revolution he had brought about. The new sticks of administration proved more stiff and unmanageable than the former, and those he had discarded associating with the blatant beast, bedaubed him with such a variety of filth, drained from all the sewers of scurrility, that he really became a public nuisance. Gotto-mio pretended remorse of conscience, and declared he would impeach Yak-strot for the peace which he himself had nisgotiated. Twitz-er snivelled and cried, and cast figures, to prove that Yak-strot was born for the destruction of Japan, and Zan-ti-fic lured an incendiary Bonze called Toks, to throw fire-balls by night into the palace of the favourite. In this distress, Strot cfi§t his eyes on Taycho the monster- THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 375 tamer, who alone seemed able to overbalance the weight of all other opposition, and to him he made large advances accordingly; but his offers were still inadequate to the expectations of that demagogue, who, nevertheless, put on a face of capitulation. He was even heard to say, that Yak-strot was an honest man and a good minister ; nay, he declared he would ascend the highest pinnacle of the highest pagod in Japan, and proclaim that Yak- strot had never, directly nor indirectly, meddled with administra- tion since he resigned the public office of minister. Finding him, however, tardy and phlegmatic in his proposals, he thought proper to change his phrase, and, in the next assembly of the people, swore, with great vociferation, that the said Yak-strot was the greatest rogue that ever escaped the gallows. This was a neces- sary fillip to Yak-strot, and operated upon him so effectually, that he forthwith sent a carte-blanche to the great Taycho, and a treaty was immediately ratified on the following conditions : — That the said Taycho should be raised to the rank of Quanbuku, and be appointed conservator of the Dairo's signet ; that no state mea- sure should be taken without his express approbation ; that his creature the lawyer Praff-fog should be ennobled, and preferred to the most eminent place in the tribunals of Japan ; and that all his friends and dependents should be provided for at the public expense, in such a manner as he himself should propose. His kinsman Lob-kob, however, was not comprehended in this treaty, the articles of which he inveighed against with such acrimony, that a rupture ensued betwixt these two originals. The truth is, Lob-kob was now so full of his own importance, that nothing less than an equal share of administration would satisfy his ambition, and this was neither in Taycho's power nor inclination to grant. The first consequence of this treaty was a new shift of hands, and a new dance of ministers. The chair of precedency was pulled from under the antiquated Fika-kaka, who fell upon his back : and his heels flying up, discovered but too plainly the melancholy truth of his metamorphosis. All his colleagues were discarded, except those who thought proper to temporise and join in dancing the hay, according as they were actuated by the new partners of the puppet-show. The coalition was the greatest 376 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. masterpiece in politics that Yak-strot ever performed. Taycho, the formidable Taycho ! whom in his single person he dreaded more than all his other enemies of Japan united, was now be- come his coadjutor, abettor, and advocate ; and, which was still of more consequence to Strot, that demagogue was forsaken of his good genius Legion. The many-headed monster would have swallowed down every other species of tergiversation in Taycho, except a coalition with the detested favourite, and the title of Quo, by which he formally renounced its society ; but these were articles which the mongrel could not digest. The tidings of this union threw the beast into a kind of stupor, from which it was roused by bUsters and cauteries applied by Gotto-mio, Twitz-er, Zan-ti-fic, with his understrapper Toks, now reinforced by Fika-kaka, and his discarded associates ; for their common hatred to Yak-strot, like the rod of Moses, swallowed up every distinction of party, and every suggestion of former animosity; and they concurred with incredible zeal, in rousing Legion to a due sense of Taycho's apostasy. The beast, so stimulated, howled three days and three nights successively at Taycho's gate ; then was seized with a convulsion, that went off with an evacuation upwards and downwards, so offensive, that the very air was infected. The horrid sounds of the beast's lamentations, the noxious effluvia of its filthy discharge, joined to the poignant remorse which Taycho felt at finding his power over Legion dissolved, occasioned a commotion in his brain ; and this led him into certain extravagances, which gave his enemies a handle to say he was actually insane. His former friends and partisans thought the best apology they could make for the inconsistency of his conduct was to say he was non compos; and this report was far from being disagreeable to Yak-strot, because it would at any time furnish him with a plausible pretence to dissolve the partnership at which he inwardly repined : for it was necessity alone that drove him to a partition of his power with a man so incapable of acting in concert with any colleague whatsoever. In the meantime Gotto-mio and his associates left no stone unturned to acquire the same influence over Legion, which Taycho had so eminently possessed : but the beast's faculties, THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 377 slender as they were, seemed now greatly impaired, in consequence of that arch empiric's practices upon its constitution. In vain did Gotto-mio hoop and halloo : in vain did Twitz-er tickle its long ears; in vain did Zan-ti-fic apply sternutatories, and his Bonze administer inflammatory glysters ; the monster could never be brought to a right understanding, or at all concur with their designs, except in one instance, which was its antipathy to the Ximian favourite. This had become so habitual, that it acted mechanically upon its organs even after it had lost all other signs of recognition. As often as the name of Yak-strot was pro- nounced, the beast began to yell, and all the usual consequences ensued ; but whenever his new friends presumed to mount him, he threw himself on his back, and rolled them in the kennel at the hazard of their lives. One would imagine there was some leaven in the nature of Yak-strot, that soured all his subalterns who were natives of Niphon ; for, howsoever they promised all submission to his will before they were admitted into his motion, they no sooner found themselves acting characters in his drama, than they began to thwart him in his measures ; so that he was plagued by those he had taken in, and persecuted by those he had driven out. The two great props, which he had been at so much pains to provide, now failed him. Taycho was grown crazy, and could no longer manage the monster; and Quam-ba-cun-dono the Fatzman, whose authority had kept several puppets in awe, died about this period. These two circumstances were the more alarming, as Gotto-mio and his crew began to gain ground, not only in their endeavours to rouse the monster, but also in tam- pering with some of the acting puppets, to join their cabal, and make head against their master. These exoterics grew so re- fractory, that, when he tried to wheel them to the right, they turned to the left about ; and, instead of joining hands in the dance of politics, rapped their heads against each other with such violence, that the noise of the collision was heard in the street; and, if they had not been made of the hardest wood in Japan, some of them would certainly have been split in the encounter. 37^ THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. By this time Legion began to have some sense of its own miserable condition. The effects of the yeast potions which it had drank so liberally from the hands of Taycho, now wore off. The fumes dispersed ; the illusion vanished ; the flatulent tumour of its belly disappeared with innumerable explosions, leaving a hideous lankness and such a canine appetite as all the eatables of Japan could not satisfy. After having devoured the whole harvest, it yawned for more, and grew quite outrageous in its hunger, threatening to feed on human flesh, if not plentifully supplied with other viands. In this dilemma, Yak-strot convened the council of Twenty-Eight, where, in consideration of the urgency of the case, it was resolved to suspend the law against the importation of foreign provisions, and open the ports of Japan for the relief of the blatant beast. As this was vesting the Dairo with a dispensing power un- known to the constitution of Japan, it was thought necessary, at the next assembly of the Quos and Quambukus that constitute the legislature, to obtain a legal sanction for that extraordinary exercise of prerogative, which nothing but the salus populi could excuse. Upon this occasion, it was diverting to see with what effrontery individuals changed their principles with their places. Taycho the Quo, happening to be in one of his lucid intervals, went to the assembly, supported by his two creatures Praff"-fog, and another limb of the law, called Lley-nah, surnamed Gurg-grog, or Curse-mother; and this triumvirate, who had raised them- selves from nothing to the first rank in the state, by vilifying and insulting the kingly power, and affirming that the Dairo was the slave of the people, now had the impudence to declare in the face of day, that in some cases the emperor's power was absolute, and that he had an inherent right to suspend and supersede the laws and ordinances of the legislature. Mura-clami, who had been for some time eclipsed in his judicial capacity by the popularity of Priaff-fog, did not fail to seize this opportunity of exposing the character of his upstart rival. Though he had been all his life an humble retainer to the prerogative, he now made a parade of patriotism, and in a tide of eloquence bore down aU the flimsy arguments which the trium- THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM, 379 virate advanced. He demonstrated the futility of their reasoning, from the express laws and customs of the empire ; he expatiated on the pernicious tendency of their doctrine, and exhibited the Inconsistency of their conduct In such colours, that they must have hid their heads in confusion, had they not happily conquered all sense of shame, and been well convinced that the majority of the assembly were not a whit more honest than themselves. Mura-claml enjoyed a momentary triumph, but his words made a very slight impression, for it was his misfortune to be a Ximian ; and If his virtues had been more numerous than the hairs in his beard, this very circumstance Would have shaved them clean away from the consideration of the audience. Taycho, opening the flood-gates of his abuse, bespattered all that opposed him. Lley-nah, alias Cursie-mother, swore that he had got into the wrong box ; then turning to Praif-fog, " Brother PrafF," cried he, " thou hast now let down thy trousers, and every rascal in Japan will whip thy a — e 1 " PrafT was afraid of the beast's resentment : but Taycho bestrid him like a Colossus, and he crept through between his legs into a place of safety; This was the last time that the orator appeared in public. Im- mediately after this occurrence, it was found necessary to confine him to a dark chamber, and Yak-strot was left to his own inventions. In this dilemma he had recourse to the old expedient of changing hands ; and, as a prelude to this reformy made advances to Gotto-mio, whom he actually detached from the opposition, by providing his friends and dependents with lucrative offices, and promising to take no steps of consequence without his privity and approbation. A sop was at the same time thrown to Twitz-er ; Zan-tl'-fic, lulled with specious promises, discarded Toks the in- cendiary Bonze; Lob-kob signed a neutrality; and old Fika- kaka was deprived of the use of speech : in a word, the ill- cemented confederacy of Strot's exoteric foes fell asunder ; and Legion had now no rage but the rage of hunger to be appeased. But the Ximian favourite was still thwarted in his operations behind the curtain ; for he had so often chopped and changed the figures that composed his motion, that they were all of different 380 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. materials : so wretchedly sorted and so ill toned, that, when they came upon the scene, they produced nothing but discord and disorder. The Japanese colony of Fatsissio had been settled above a century ; and, in the face of a thousand dangers and difGculties, raised themselves to such consideration, that they consumed infinite quantities of the manufactures of Japan, for which they paid their mother country in gold and silver, and precious drugs, the produce of their plantations. The advantages which Japan reaped from this traffic with her own colonists, almost equalled the amount of what she gained by her commerce with all the other parts of Asia. Twitz-er, when he managed the finances of Japan, had in his great wisdom planned, procured, and pro- mulgated a law, saddling the Fatsissians with a grievous tax to answer the occasions of the Japanese government ; an imposition which struck at the very vitals of their constitution, by which they were exempt from all burdens but such as they fitted for their own shoulders. They raised a mighty clamour at this innovation, in which they were joined by Legion, at that time under the influence of Taycho, who, in the assembly of the people, bitterly inveighed against the authors and abettors of such an arbitrary and tyrannical measure. Their reproach £md execration did not stop at Twitz-er, but proceeded, as usual, to Yak-strot, who was the general butt at which all the arrows of slander, scurrility, and abuse were levelled. The puppets with which he supplied the places of Twitz-er and his associates, in order to recommend themselves to Legion, and perhaps with a view to mortify the favourite, who had patronised the Fatsissian tax, insisted upon withdrawing this imposition, which was accordingly abrogated, to the no small disgrace and contempt of the law-givers ; but when these new ministers were tiurned out, to make way for Taycho and his friends, the interest of the Fatsissians was again abandoned. Even the orator himself declaimed against them with an unembarrassed countenance, after they had raised statues to him as their friend and patron ; and measures were taken to make them feel all the severity of an abject dependence upon the legislature of Japan. Finally, Gotto- THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. 381 mio acceded to this system, which he had formerly approved in conjunction with Twitz-er; and preparations were made for using compulsory measures, should the colonists refuse to submit with a good grace. The Fatsissians, far from acquiescing in these proceedings, resolved to defend to the last extremity those liberties which they had hitherto preserved ; and, as a proof of their independence, agreed among themselves to renounce all the superfluities with which they had so long been furnished, at a vast expense, from the manufactures of Japan, since that nation had begun to act towards them with all the cruelty of a stepmother. It was amazing to see and to hear how Legion raved, and slabbered, and snapped its multitudinous jaws in the streets of Meaco, when it understood that the Fatsissians were determined to live on what their own country afforded. They were represented and reviled as ruffians, barbarians, and unnatural monsters, who clapped the dagger to the breast of their indulgent mother, in presuming to save themselves the expense of those superfluities, which, by the by, her cruel impositions had left them no money to purchase. Nothing was heard in Japan but threats of punishing those ungrateful colonists with whips and scorpions. For this purpose troops were assembled and fleets equipped; and the blatant beast yawned with impatient expectation of being drenched with the blood of its fellow-subjects. Yak-strot was seized with horror at the prospect of such extremities ; for, to give the devil his due, his disposition was neither arbitrary nor cruel ; but he had been hurried by evil counsellors into a train of false politics, the consequences of which he did not foresee. He now summoned council after council to dehberate upon conciliatory expedients ; but found the motley crew so divided by self-interest, faction, and mutual rancour, that no consistent plan could be formed ; all was nonsense, clamour, and contradiction. The Ximian favourite now wished all his puppets at the devil, and secretly cursed the hour in which he first undertook the motion. He even fell sick of chagrin, and resolved in good earnest to withdraw himself entirely from the political helm, which he was now convinced he had no talents to guide. 382 THE ADVENTURES OF AN ATOM. In the meantime, he tried to find some temporary alleviation to the evils occasioned by the monstrous incongruity of the members and materials that composed his administration. But before any effectual measures could be taken, his evil genius, ever active, brewed up a new storm in another quarter, which had well nigh swept him and all his projects into the gulf of perdition. THE END, Printed by Ballantvhb, Hansom &» Co. at Paul s Work, Edinburgh