CORNELL 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 LIBRARY 
 
Cornell University Library 
 PR 5802.T5 
 
 Tilbury Nogo. 
 
 3 1924 013 570 472 
 
The original of tiiis book is in 
 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924013570472 
 
Tilbury Nogo 
 
'He jumped it again." (Page 200.] 
 
 Tilbury Nogo.} 
 
 IFronHspiece 
 
Tilbury Nogo 
 
 By 
 
 G. J. Whyte-Melvilie 
 
 Author of " Market Harborough," " Katerfelto," " Cerue," 
 " Satanella," Ice, &c. 
 
 Illustrated by Stanley L. Wood 
 
 London 
 Ward, Lock & Co., Limited 
 
 New York and Melbourne 
 
PBEFACE 
 
 Mb. Nogo has been induced to publish the following random 
 sketches, by the favour with which they were received in the 
 pages of the Sporting Magazine. 
 
 That they are but an unconnected series of scenes and 
 occurrences, usually resulting in his own discomfiture and 
 disappointment, he is obliged in common candour to con- 
 fess. That a simple relation of such untoward facts may 
 deter others from follies to which they have no inclination, 
 and efforts of which they are physically incapable, is the 
 earnest hope of a disgusted individual, whose only claim to 
 consideration is his invariable prominence as 
 
 An Unsuccessful Man 
 
 MnNCHAUsEN Club, 
 April 1, 1858. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 TILBURY NOGO 
 
 Chapter I. 
 Chaptei II. . 
 Chapter III. . 
 Chapter IV. . 
 Chapter V. . 
 Chapter VI. . 
 Chapter Vll. . 
 Chapter VIII . 
 Chapter IX. . 
 Chapter X. . 
 Chapter XI. . 
 Chapter XII. . 
 Chapter XIII. 
 Chapter XIV. 
 Chapter XV. . 
 
 FAQG 
 1 
 
 5 
 
 12 
 
 16 
 
 25 
 
 37 
 
 51 
 
 62 
 
 73 
 
 81 
 
 96 
 
 108 
 
 123 
 
 138 
 
 153 
 
Missing Page 
 
Missing Page 
 
2 TILBUBT NOGO 
 
 apology for thus presenting himself to the public is the 
 sincere hope that he may proTe as a beacon and a warning 
 to the too ambitious youth of this aspiring age, who often 
 flatter themselves that "to deserve success" is as efficacious 
 as "to command it." 
 
 I may here remark that my tendency and attachment to 
 field sports may be attributed to my descent, on my 
 mother's side, from a family who, time out of mind, have 
 been ardently addicted to all out-of-doors pursuits. I have 
 met more Muffs out hunting than in any other assemblage 
 of my fellow-citizens, albeit they are to be found in very 
 sufficient multitudes engaged in graver and more important 
 pursuits. 
 
 My father had a great idea of Eton ; and although his 
 death delayed my appearance at that jovial school till I 
 had completed my twelfth year, no sooner was I fairly 
 launched in my teens than I was packed off, per stage, to 
 take my chance of arriving at my destination — ^Eton Coll., 
 Bucks — in company with two other " new fellows," one 
 hat-box, one portmanteau, and one carpet-bag, the latter 
 well stuffed with provision for both body and mind, in- 
 cluding a Greek grammar, a mighty cake, a " Gradus ad 
 Pamassum," as it is somewhat ambitiously denominated, 
 and a cold plum-pudding. 
 
 I have not the face to inflict on my readers the auto- 
 biography of an Eton boy ; but I must " cry their mercy " 
 for the narration of two anecdotes bearing upon that fataUty 
 which has pursued me through life, and which has ever 
 interposed when success was all but in my grasp. Sysiphua 
 was a joke to me ; and, I take it, his task was no pleasant 
 one. Whilst enduring the six-o'clock lessons, long morn- 
 ings, faggings, and other agrSments of life in the fourth 
 form, I was induced by the persuasive arguments of a 
 fellow-scM^', rejoicing in the appropriate name of " Tnbbs," 
 to relax my mind and forget my sorrows in the enjoyment 
 of a bath at Cuckoo-wear, the pleasure being increased by 
 its being a drizzling day in October, and the exploit being 
 much enhanced by the certainty of a flogging if caught — 
 or nailed, as we termed it — in the fact ; that month being, 
 very properly, one of those in which bathing is strictly 
 forbidden. Well, away we went, in the highest of spirits, 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 8 
 
 stripped, sneaked in, ducked, and persuaded ourselves it 
 
 was delightful; when, in the height of our splashing, 
 
 holloaing, and enjoyment, we were aware of the tramp of a 
 
 horse, and the dreaded form of one of the under-masters 
 
 was seen, cantering his hack slowly along the bank. 
 
 Tubbs, who could swim like a water-rat, was over to the 
 
 other side in a second, and on arriving at the shore called 
 
 (why, I have never been able to understand) "Italy," 
 
 effected a most successful shirk ; whilst poor I, unwilling 
 
 to be flogged, yet loath to be drowned — ^for my swimming was 
 
 only calculated for a short boy, in his depth — ^was forced to 
 
 emerge, and face the infuriated don. 
 
 ****** 
 
 It was Tubbs who proposed the lark of going to bathe ; 
 but at eleven-o'clock school, next day, it was, " Nogo to 
 
 stay." I am secure of the sympathy of every old Etonian. 
 
 ****** 
 
 As years rolled on, and the " scug " of former days 
 rolled out into the well-cravatted stripling in the upper 
 division, so did my ambition — that last infirmity of Nogo's 
 mind — increase proportionately. Our Sculling Sweepstakes 
 was coming on; and, from my proficiency in that par- 
 ticular department of boating, I thought I might fairly 
 calculate on beating the rest of my school fellows. I got a 
 betting-book, ruled it most carefully, and proceeded to 
 enter my wagers on the most approved principle, backing 
 myself heavily with all that would lay against me, but, in 
 my inexperience, omitting to bet against any of the other 
 boys. The consequence was, that I stood to win a large 
 sum in half-crowns and shillings, should I win the sweep- 
 stakes, and to lose largely in the same coin, should any 
 other skiff pass the Brdcas Climip ahead of mine. Well, 
 the evening came — how well I remember it ! The placid 
 river ; the level Brocas, with its stately clump standiag out 
 against the clear blue sky; the glorious castle ; the flag on 
 the round tower, drooping in the summer air — ^I see it all 
 now. Then the start ; the strain against the stretcher ; 
 the fever boiling in the veins, till the perspiration, bursting 
 forth, seemed aU at once to cool, refresh, and invigorate 
 the quivering frame ; then the turn round Lower Hope, 
 the second wind, the rushes gained, and the coming down 
 
4 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 stream, mth a rapturous lead ; the holloaing, from the 
 bank, of five hundred fellows, all at the utmost pitch of 
 their limgs, and only subsiding into an occasional scream, 
 when so blown from running along-side the leading skiffs 
 as to admit of no greater vent for the enthusiasm in- 
 separable from a boat-race. " Well sculled, Nogo ! " 
 " Go it, Nogo ! " " Well sculled. Smith ! " " Go along. 
 Brown ! " " Well sculled, Robinson ! " the latter worthy 
 breaking both his rowlocks, in his animated endeavours to 
 get forward, and being instantly put hors de combat. 
 " WeU sculled, Nogo ! " " Brown will bump him ! " 
 "Smith's beat!" "Nogo wins!" "Smith wins!" 
 " Nogo !• " " Smith ! " " Hurrah ! hurrah ! " and Smith's 
 skiff shoots by the well-known goal, one boat's length 
 ahead, Nogo second, and the redoubtable Brown a good 
 third. 
 
 It almost broke my heart, boy as I was. It was so pro- 
 voking to have nearly won and landed all my bets. It 
 should have been a lesson ; but the elasticity of youth soon 
 brought forgetfulness of the past annoyance, and fresh 
 hopes for the future ; and again and again was I forced to 
 admit the truth of the homely proverb that " a miss is as 
 good as a mile." I should have been sent ttp, had it not 
 been for a false quantity in the last of thirty fairly-written 
 long-and-short verses ; although I must confess that, pre- 
 judiced as I was in their favour, I never could see the merit 
 of the twenty-nine preceding ones. But enough of Eton. 
 " Her praise is hymned by loftier harps than mine ; " 
 though, like most old Etonians, notwithstanding all my 
 reverses, my heart still leaps responsive to the well-known 
 cry, " Floreat EtonsB ! " 
 
CHAPTER n 
 
 Bard. — Oat alas, sir ; cozenage, mere cozenage. 
 
 Host. — ^Where be my horses ? speak well of them, varletto. 
 
 Fal. — ^I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened. 
 
 It would be superfluous to detail the many good intentions 
 not acted upon, and plans cast aside, which occupied the 
 few years intervening between my removal from Eton, and 
 my entrance upon what is called " life." How I read a 
 little, hunted a little, fished, shot, danced, and drove in the 
 same small proportion ; how I matriculated (nothing more) 
 at Oxford ; how I thought of going into the ariny ; how I 
 started for the Himalayas, making Paris my first stage, and 
 eventually got no further than a pantomime of a town — 
 returning a wiser, truly, if not a better, man; the old 
 friends who gave me good advice, the young ones who 
 helped me to disregard it, "all these I can forgive and 
 those forget." And I must now introduce myself as Mr. 
 Tilbury Nogo, well dressed, well appointed, and well re- 
 ceived ; a member of the best clubs ; lodging no matter 
 where, within easy distance of the same ; and, in short, in 
 the common position of hundreds of other young men about 
 London. I drove a cab, wore lavender-coloured gloves, 
 went everywhere with no particular object, was better 
 supplied with money than brains, by no means good- 
 looking, and decide(Uy shy. 
 
 Such was the individual who turned out of Tattersall's 
 yard one frosty day in February, arm-in-arm vsdth one of 
 that class of acquaintances which the world is pleased 
 ironically to term " a friend," and who is more particidarly 
 distinguished by that appellation when he keeps you four- 
 and-twenty hours in the vortex of a quarrel, to extricate 
 
6 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 you at the end of that time by putting you up to be shot at. 
 Silently we passed the gentleman in the red waistcoat, 
 whose unacknowledged greeting was cordial as ever. That 
 cad is a wonderful official ; he has more acquaintances than 
 any man in England, and winter and summer he never 
 wears a coat. Silently we turned our backs upon the 
 triumphant tomfoolery meant to glorify the greatest warrior 
 of the age; and it was not till we caught the keen air 
 blowing on us from the half-frozen Serpentine, that my 
 companion, who had been in deep thought, proceeded to 
 give me the benefit of his reflections. 
 
 " Upon my word, I don't think this frost will hold. I 
 wonder, Nogo, why you don't go to Melton." 
 
 There was certainly not much in this lucubration ; but 
 such as it was, what a number of ideas these few words 
 brought crowding into my brain ! Melton, the cream of all 
 winter society : noble earls, jovial M.P.'s, pleasant dandies, 
 good sport, capital dinners, ex-fences, whist, claret, and 
 hard-riding — all jumbled themselves up together in my 
 head, not unaccompanied by certain misgivings that aU 
 this might be what is commonly called "too fast " for me ; 
 and it was some little time before I replied. 
 
 " Melton, eh ? Well, I believe it is a very jolly place at 
 this time of year, and " 
 
 " Jolly place ! Why, to begin with, it's the only place 
 in the world a man can hunt six days a week from, and it's 
 a bore hunting less. I wonder you didn't go there last 
 year. You know most of the fellows ; you've got plenty 
 of money (perhaps he meant he had had plenty of my 
 money) ; and you might easily get a few horses together ; 
 I'll manage that for you. Why, you've got some to begin 
 upon ; and I'll tell you what, my dear fellow, I wouldn't 
 mind letting you have old Congreve and Barabbas for next 
 to nothing, as I want to get rid of all mine." 
 
 This was the more kind, as I was well aware of the 
 merits of the animals thus unhesitatingly proffered in the 
 cause of friendship. Congreve was a retired plater, who 
 never having done anything on the turf, was pursuing the 
 same useful career in the hunting-stable ; and what with 
 bad legs, bad temper, and a most inconvenient and 
 eccentric way of disposing of his head, was altogether as 
 
XlJjUUJtlX iVUt/C 
 
 disagreeable a horse as a man need wish to get rid of. 
 Barabbas, a great white-faced, half-bred brute, whom I 
 did buy, proved himself well worthy of that elegant 
 appellation before I had kept him six weeks. 
 
 " Well, you really are very kind," was my reply, " but 
 the fact is, I am not quite sure about the horses I have 
 got ; and though Phiz, Catamaran, and the old mare are 
 all very well in some countries, and can go quite in front 
 when properly ridden, yet I have my misgivings as to their 
 being good enough for Leicestershire ; and then the fences ; 
 and then I don't quite know where to live there ; and, in 
 short, it's not an easy thing to manage, and so I must 
 think it over, &c., &c., &c." 
 
 Well, the long and short of it was, that after a tete-a-tete 
 dinner at Crockford's, one bottle of dry and three of '25 
 between the two, I succumbed, made up my mind to go, 
 and that forthwith, and handed over a cheque to my friend 
 for the aforesaid Barabbas, who, I regret to say, became 
 my property from that evening ; as for Congreve, though 
 denominated by his owner as an outside good horse, 
 and the best he had ever possessed, Reason sufficiently 
 retained her sway, till we parted, to prevent my having 
 anything to do with him. 
 
 , Next morning the misgivings came stronger than ever ; 
 but the die was cast ; and when I found the frost was 
 breaking, the wind getting well round to the south-west, 
 my hack looking so sleek and handsome, and London so 
 muddy and disagi-eeable, I regretted my determination less 
 and less, and even came to think of Barabbas and the 
 cheque of three figures with complacency. I wrote for my 
 horses from the country, ordered some more saddlery, and 
 some top-boots from that prince of the sons of St. Crispin, 
 who, ascertaining that his customer did not intend to hunt 
 at the great emporium of the craft, promised to make him 
 a neat " provincial " pair of boots, and made all my 
 arrangements to " take the field," as the old ladies call it, 
 the foUovring week. I do not know how people feel before 
 a campaign, or on the eve of a revolution — ^though the 
 latter is now hardly " a sensation " — but that last week in 
 London was a most feverish one — " fiery expectation's 
 dower " — and the last day I spent in it I quite came to 
 
8 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 the conclusion that, after all, there is nothing like a town 
 life. But it was too late to retract: the stables were 
 engaged, likewise a swell stud-groom, the cavalry had 
 already marched vid St. Albans, and nothing remained to 
 be done but to take a first-class voucher at Euston Square, 
 buy a Bradshaw, and start. 
 
 The journey per rail to Syston was performed, as all 
 such journeys are, without hindrance or excitement of any 
 kind ; my fellow-travellers were nothing remarkable, and 
 with the exception of my mistaking one popular M.P. for a 
 friend's stud-groom, and another pleasant-looking, agree- 
 able, sporting gentleman for a dissenting clergyman, the 
 latter supposition being confirmed by the theological know- 
 ledge displayed in several expressions with which he 
 garnished his conversation — neither misconception, I am 
 happy to say, leading to my addressing the individual 
 before I had discovered my error — nothing occurred to 
 break the monotony of the London and North-Western 
 line. Sir Francis Head's clever pamphlet, " Stokers and 
 Pokers," had not then come out ; and the mind was not 
 strained in the endeavour to grasp the magnitude of an 
 undertaking, in which, independent of the expenditure of 
 coke, coal, and capital, the one small item of lunch alone 
 consumes porkers by the thousand, and Banbury cakes by 
 the million— a statistical fact now universally known, 
 thanks to the research of the clever author of that amusing 
 and instructive little work. Syston reached, and a post- 
 chaise with horses in it for Melton duly proclaimed, self, 
 packages, and valet loaded therein and thereon ; No. I 
 stowed away in the comer, and abandoned to those re- 
 flections, which in my case, inside a carriage, generally 
 resolve themselves into a sound sleep ; whilst the post- 
 horses are bobbing and dodging themselves and their short 
 tails through Eearsby, Brooksby, Kirby, and all the byes 
 on the Leicester and Melton road, I may relate a circum- 
 stance which is often brought to my mind by the universal 
 afiinity there seems to exist between rapid travelling and 
 sound sleep. 
 
 A Mend of mine, by no means of a wakeful disposition, 
 was summoned to Birmingham — a place he had never 
 before visited — on the most urgent business, one of those 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 9 
 
 cases where delay even of a few hours might he irreparahle, 
 and was sure to he attended with the greatest incon- 
 yenience. The early train was his only chance; and 
 breaking through aU his luxurious habits of late rising, 
 comfortable breakfast, and doze over a cigar until well into 
 the afternoon, behold him up, dressed, and shaved, seated 
 — actually seated, in the worst of humours, in a most 
 comfortable first-class carriage by half-past five a.m. Like 
 aU men of late habits, when he did break them he did it 
 effectually ; and what with a sleepless night in anticipation 
 of an early start, and the unusual exertion of rising by 
 candlelight, he was as tired when fairly established in the 
 well-cushioned arm-chair of the covpi as he ought to have 
 been on his arrival at his destination. Balmy sleep soon 
 shed her influence over the most faithful of her votaries, 
 and deep were the notes in which the sluggard chanted his 
 own lullaby ; the sleep of ages, we may suppose, would be 
 but as that of one night — nay, of one hour, or even a few 
 minutes, so mysterious is the agency which " tired Nature's 
 kind restorer " exerts over us ; nor is it in the power of 
 mortal to explain, far less control, that influence which 
 bows the eye, relaxes the muscles, and reduces the whole 
 thinking and intellectual man to the level of that which 
 has no life, "sans eyes, sans ears, sans everything" — 
 what is it but a temporary death ? But to return to my 
 vigilant friend: small surprise did he betoken at having 
 slept through his journey, when the ringing of bells, the 
 shutting off of steam, and all the bustle of a station, 
 brought him back to consciousness. More in accordance 
 with his usual habits would it have been to have remained 
 snoring in that comer tiU forcibly torn away by guard, 
 stoker, conductor, and porters ; but he had a great duty to 
 ftdfil, and with the recklessness of a desperate man he 
 fixed his knuckles into his twinkling eyes — those eyes 
 which, on ordinary mornings, the corner of a boot-jack 
 would hardly seem to have power to unclose — and with one 
 mighty shake, and a triumphant exclamation, he grasped 
 his carpet-bag and writing-case, pushed aside the porter 
 who was vainly endeavouring to shut him in, threw back a 
 farewell glance at the train now moving slowly northward, 
 and stritoig across the platform to a stout man in green, 
 
10 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 and thrusting his ticket into the hands of the astonished 
 functionary, he emerged into the morning air considerably 
 nearer London than Birmingham; as ere his first im- 
 pression clothed itself in the half-formed words, "Bless 
 me, how alike all these stations are ! " a second glance 
 revealed the very cab that had brought, and the very driver 
 who had overcharged him, whilst around and above him 
 frowned the classic architecture of Euston Square on his 
 astonished gaze. He had jumped out just as the train 
 started, and although his non-appearance at Birmingham 
 was productive of all the anticipated inconvenience, I have 
 heard that when he got back to his own house he went to 
 bed again, and quietly finished his night's, or rather his 
 morning's rest. 
 
 Certainly my sleep was not so sound as his, nor was the 
 waking quite so unsatisfactory, as a well-lighted, most 
 comfortable room at the " George," with a blazing fire, 
 and that sort of picturesque arrangement of clean table- 
 cloth, glass, and silver, which foretells a well-served dinner, 
 was by no means a bad exchange for the damp cushions 
 and rickety motion of a post-chaise, letting in the draughts 
 of a February afternoon, and cooling the interior till the 
 shivering occupant wonder why a close carriage is supposed 
 to be the warmest, and whether it can be possible that such 
 weather as he feels at his extremities can have anything to 
 do with what we call a thaw. 
 
 Everything looked very like hunting certainly; I met 
 the smartest of valets carrying the dirtiest of boots and 
 breeches on the staircase. The waiter informed me of a 
 run they had had that day, but quite in the business-like, 
 unimportant manner that seemed to say such things were 
 of every day occurrence. There were foxes' brushes at the 
 bell-pulls, and the meets of heaven knows how many packs 
 of hounds over the chimney-piece. I quite wondered why 
 a man couldn't hunt eighteen times a week. I am some- 
 what shy, and as a relief from the agreeable society of the 
 waiter I sent for my groom, hoping to ascertain something 
 about things in general from him, and make my arrange- 
 ments for the morrow. In he came; such a coat, and 
 such slender supporters ! he looked as if he had put his 
 arms through his trousers and his legs in his sleeves. 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 11 
 
 I saw his hat next day, and was surprised no more after 
 that. 
 
 "Well, Stuhbs, how did you get down? and how are 
 the horses?" 
 
 "Horses all well, sir, and most of them fit to go; 
 'ceptin' two as I had out to-day on the Widmerpool side ; 
 and the mare's got a cough, and the hack's been and hit 
 himself, and Phiz is rather big ; I should like to give him 
 a tm-n afore you ride him, and " 
 
 " Stop," said I, not quite liking the way in which he 
 was running through my stud, and wondering what there 
 would be for me to ride ; " stop, I must have something 
 for to-morrow ; I see the Belvoir are within reach, and I 
 should like to look at them." 
 
 "Beg your pardon, sir, but to-morrow's the Quorn day, 
 in High Leicestershire, so I kept Barabbas and the young 
 one for you to ride to-morrow; ten miles fi-om here, sir, 
 and a very good place. I had the gray out the b^;inning 
 of the week, and he frames remarkably well, never seems 
 to refuse, pulls uncommon hard ; but I'll put a bridle on, 
 sir, that'll soon stop that ; and Barabbas will go very well 
 for second horse, and " 
 
 I was forced to interrupt my voluble master of the horse, 
 to beg he would indulge in no vagaries about bridles, as 
 the little experience I have had has convinced me that 
 servants and their masters are apt to differ considerably in 
 their mode of treatment of that most sensitive of all things, 
 a horse's mouth. 
 
 " Stop, let me have the hack at the door in time, if he 
 is sound, and " 
 
 " Diuner, sir," said the waiter, which furnished me with 
 a good excuse for getting rid of my attendant, and I stalked 
 into my dressing-room to wash my hands whilst my soup 
 was cooling, with the comfortable reflection that amongst all 
 the horses in my stable, the two I would most particularly 
 rather not have ridden for my dSbut at such a place as 
 Barkby, were a young one, of whom I knew nothing, except 
 that he pulled hard, and was rising six : and Barabbas, of 
 whom what I did know was by no means enough to give 
 me confidence in a large crowd endeavouring to spoil a 
 quick thing over a stiff country. 
 
CHAPTER in 
 
 A fox-hunt to a foreigner is strange. 
 And likewise subject to the double danger 
 Of tumbling first, and having in exchange 
 Some pleasant jesting at the awkward stranger. 
 
 Mazeppa answered, " 111 betide 
 
 The school wherein I learned to ride." 
 
 The next morning saw me trotting merrily along, after a 
 due study of the map and obseryation of the sign-posts, on 
 high thoughts intent. I was screwed " up " to the sticking- 
 place, and meant mischief. The morning was as if ordered 
 expressly : there had been a slight frost, but the day was 
 clouding over ; and the wind, though scarcely perceptible, 
 had that keenness which so often accompanies fine scenting 
 weather. I had started early, to avoid the companionship 
 of men with whom I had not yet the honour of being 
 acquainted, and many of whom I did not know even by 
 sight, though their names were familiar to my ear and 
 honoured in my heart. Nimrod's book, " The Hard 
 Riders of England," had taught me, as a boy, to look 
 upon "a good man over a country" with a most reverential 
 feeling ; and I had really never quite got over this 
 sort of hero-worship. It would be the height of injustice 
 to deny that many of those whose names my boyhood 
 honoured solely for their well-known success as sportsmen, 
 have been equally distinguished in the more important 
 pursuits of life. Witness the court, the camp, and the 
 bar ; the desert and the ocean, the plains of the Punjaub 
 and the walls of St. Stephen's. 
 
 I was a little nervous, certainly, and none the less so for 
 having to ride Gray-friar ; but I was determined to go, and 
 a little more or less of peril made trifling odds. It was a 
 
 12 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 13 
 
 service of danger altogether ; but then the kvSoc if obtained 
 in that country ! In short, " Do or die " was the motto — 
 very much the feeling with which a Frenchman goes out 
 hunting. His national vanity makes him think the eyes of 
 all England are upon him, his inborn gallantry impels him 
 to be forward, and his acquired sang froid prevents him 
 from disclosing his misgivings. He generally rides un- 
 mercifully hard, till in the natural course of events he is 
 stopped by a rattling faU, and is invariably flattered with 
 the somewhat doubtful compliment of having gone so 
 extremely well for a Frenchman ; but for all this, I do not 
 think he thoroughly enjoys it. I found my way easily; 
 and cantering pleasantly over sundry most extensive grass- 
 fields, agreed with the noble lord who used to declare riding 
 to covert in Leicestershire beat hunting anywhere else. 
 An early breakfast, not so hearty as it might have been, a 
 free-going hack, and a fine morning, are wonderful things 
 for the spirits; and I was delighted with the cheerful 
 " Good mornings " of a farmer or two whom I overtook, 
 and the universal touch of the hat from every countryman 
 I met. A friend of mine used to say, " They always call 
 you My Lord before Christmas ; afterwards, lords are so 
 plentiful here that it is no compliment : " and certainly a 
 scarlet coat is duly appreciated in Leicestershire. 
 
 "Well, I rode on, and on I rode," as the old Border 
 ballad has it; and after overtaking sundry horses that 
 looked like the impersonation of speed, strength, and 
 gallantry (I am at a loss for a classic simile : the Greeks 
 had not an idea of what a horse should be ; look at the 
 heavy-shouldered brutes in the Elgin marbles : no wonder 
 they drove them) I came at last to an open gate, and 
 turning short found myself in company with two or three 
 men in red coats, looking at the neatest pack of hounds in 
 England. " And so they ought to be ! " I hear the reader 
 exclaim; well, and so they are: level, powerfal, and 
 graceful. What can look more like going than eighteen 
 couple of bitches out of the Quom Kennels ? But hounds 
 are universally voted a bore ; so I must close my raptures 
 with the remark Ithat the hounds looked as if they should 
 go the pace, the horses as if they could, and the men as if 
 they would. 
 
14 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 After Nimrod's description of a run over Leicestershire, 
 which, written by the best sporting author of the day, was, 
 I believe, touched up by the cleverest reviewer, and illus- 
 trated by the most talented artist, it is in vain for an 
 humble pen to attempt to follow in his steps, " non 
 passibus aquis," as he himself would have told us, for 
 verily he was vp in Virgil. Vain then, would it be for 
 me to attempt to describe, as he did, the " lawless burst," 
 the wicked riding, the " Siberian waste of grass," the 
 cracking rails, the submersion of new coats and gallant 
 souls in the Whissendine, which, it would appear, ought to 
 be regularly dragged during the hunting months ; the little 
 bay horse whose untimely stop comes home to the feelings 
 of all " de te fabula narratii/r ; " and, lastly, the scream, 
 which frighted the village and hall of Cottesmore from its 
 propriety, and must have called forth a responsive yowling 
 from the denizens of its well-known kennel. Neither can 
 I fall back upon a true and particular account of what 
 happened to me individually, in the first person ; for I am 
 again " headed " by the same author, who describes a most 
 courageous character fighting a young horse through the 
 best part of the best run "that had been seen for three 
 seasons," as the writer himself expresses it in his veracious 
 and autobiographical letter to his friend. My exploits and 
 eventual failures would indeed pale before this worthy's 
 account of how "he rode over young M." (I wonder who 
 he was), "how he lost his whip and part of his rear-guard 
 in a buUfindh," how he cleared nine yards vrith the young 
 one, but lighting in a furrow and on a mole-hill, narrowly 
 escaped the fate of the illustrious Anti-Jacofeiie, who fell a 
 victim to the architecture of the little gentleman in black 
 velvet; how he was up and at it again; and after many 
 more deeds of daring and sundry mishaps, is eventually 
 reduced to a standstill, the young one being completely 
 beat and minus an eye — an accident not confined to 
 Leicestershire, if we may judge by the number of times 
 the same casualty appears to occur in the neighbourhood 
 of Holbom and other parts of London, " There you go 
 with your eye out " being so common a salutation that it 
 seldom or ever induces the person so kindly warned to turn 
 round and look for the missing luminary. 
 
TILBTJBY NOGO IS 
 
 I can only say we had a run, a right good one. I was 
 carried well, and thanks to following those who were of 
 sterner mould than myself, in a most satisfactory place 
 during a greater portion of the time. A fall, with the loss 
 of a stirrup-leather, and a bad turn, chiefly owing to the 
 forbidding appearance of a certain hog-backed stile, ex- 
 tinguished my chance for the remainder ; but I came up in 
 time to see a most gallant and straightforward fox properly 
 accounted for and eaten, and went back to Melton wonder- 
 fully weU satisfied with myself and Gray-friar. Pretty well 
 for a Nogo this, I thought- Besides which, I had met one 
 or two acquaintances, made another by catching his horse, 
 and been cordially and cheerfully invited to dinner by an 
 utter stranger to me, but one of whose hospitality and 
 amiable qualities I had often heard ; so that altogether I 
 was what people call well pleased with my day's work, and 
 went to my dressing-room with far different feelings from 
 those which I had experienced in the same locality twenty- 
 four hours before. I was no longer shy of the waiters ; I 
 sent for my groom, and gave him his orders instead of 
 accepting them from him, somewhat to his astonishment. 
 I felt free of the place ; I had actually survived a run in 
 Leicestershire; the fences were not so fearful as I had 
 supposed. People were civil to me; I was going to a 
 pleasant dinner; and, in short, everything was " coleur de 
 rose." 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 There was a goodly soupe'ti la bonne femme, 
 Though whence it came from, heaven only kneWi 
 
 With turbot, for relief of those who cram, 
 Believed by dindon k la parigueux. 
 
 There likewise was (the sinner that I am I 
 How shall I get this gourmand stanza through ?) 
 
 Soupe h la beauveau, whose relief was dory, 
 
 EeUeved itself by pork, for greater glory, &o. 
 
 Langnidus in cobitum jam se conviva reponit. 
 
 HOEAT. 
 
 I HAVE always admired the sentiments of the late Dr. 
 Kitchener — none the less, perhaps, for the inimitable review 
 of certain of his writings in the ' Recreations of Christopher 
 North ' ; but though I must needs laugh with honest IQt, I 
 cannot laugh at good Dr. Kitchener, whose ideas about 
 dinners were of the most profound and orthodox description. 
 " Seven o'clock is the best part of the day " — how often do 
 we hear this remarked ! and in this favoured country, where 
 the majority of us can still get plenty to eat (long may it be 
 so !), it is notorious that nothing can be undertaken or 
 completed without dinner. " Dine, and pass resolutions," as 
 Charles Mathews says. Nobody would dream of passing 
 the resolutions without dining ; in fact, there would be no 
 resolutions to pass. The alderman going to a city feast did 
 not pity the mendicant who had tasted no food for four-and- 
 twenty hours : far from it, the heroic feeling of the civic 
 dignitary was that of envy, not commiseration. "Lucky 
 fellow, what an appetite you must have ! " was his remark. 
 He could not realise the idea of a man having no dinner to 
 
 16 
 
TILBTJBY NOaO 17 
 
 go to ; and this feeling, if analysed, will be found to exist in 
 all classes of the conamiuiity. What is so popular as eating 
 and drinking, on the stage ? Success at the bar can only be 
 obtained by the punctual mastication of " commons." In 
 the army, from the days of Shakspeare downwards, when he 
 says of Henry the Fifth's troops. 
 
 Then give them great meals of beef, and steel, and iron ; and they will 
 eat like wolves, and fight like deyils, 
 
 a good commissariat has ever been esteemed the very foun- 
 dation of success ; and Lord Byron — ^the poet, of all others, 
 who describes life as it is, and not as it ought to be — calls 
 " the tocsin of the soul," the dinner-bell. I may, therefore, 
 be excused for confessing that I was by no means sorry to 
 find myself, about half-past seven p.m., comfortably settled 
 in a well-proportioned room, eating a capital dinner, drink- 
 ing excellent wine, waited, on by the quietest and most 
 attentive of servants ; and though last, not least, enjoying 
 the society of five most agreeable convives, the whole effect 
 being heightened by the four red coats and two black, which 
 gave the proper warmth and variety of colouring, and 
 destroyed the usual sombre appearance of an exclusively 
 male party. 
 
 Nimrod says, at Melton people never talk about hunting 
 after dinner ; and, on this occasion, if the exception prove 
 the nile, he was right. Certainly, the subject was duly can- 
 vassed ; and the fact of one of the party having been laid up 
 with a sprained ankle, and consequently unable to hunt, 
 though not debarred from the pleasures of society, gives me 
 an opportunity of describiug our run, as it was related 
 to him by one well qualified to give an account of everything 
 that was done, of course interspersed with many interruptions 
 and good things said, which must be heard to be appreciated. 
 Dinner was over, and the first bottle of claret beginning 
 its genial rounds, when the conversation, which had in 
 succession touched upon wine, politics, music, racing, paint- 
 ing, and the topics df the day, was more especially brought 
 round to the subject of hunting by the lame gentleman, thus 
 throwing himself on the mercy of the company : 
 
 " Well, now, somebody tell me about the run to-day ; for 
 
 3 
 
18 TILBUBY NOaO 
 
 except your having found at Barkby, and run for fifty-two 
 minutes, I can get no further intelligence : and this was 
 only from my servant, who told me the day before yesterday 
 there was what he calls ' a splendid hunt ' — that they found 
 at Owston Wood, and killed at Launde, which, as I know 
 the distance to be three quarters of a mile, has rather shaken 
 my confidence in his reports of sport." 
 
 " Well, I'll tell you," said , filling himself a bumper 
 
 of '34, a vintage of which he had already expressed his 
 decided approval. " We drew all the morning without find- 
 ing ; and had it not been for Barkby Holt to fall back upon, 
 we should have regretted losing so promising-looking a day. 
 However, the Holt is a pretty sure find ; and I must say, I, 
 for one, never gave way to despondency about it. They 
 found immediately a brace of foxes. I was standing in the 
 middle ride, and viewed a fellow across, with a tag to his 
 brush like the white flag of a rear-admiral ; and, thinks I, he 
 looks like going — I hope they will settle to him. Sure 
 enough, though there was a holloa at the upper end, this was 
 the fox they were running ; and I had hardly listened for 
 ten seconds when I heard them turning towards me, and 
 presently they crossed close to my horse's feet. Another 
 holloa at the bottom, and down the ride came Ben, blowing 
 for his life ; and though his horse put both his feet in a hole, 
 and went end-over-end with him, he never took the horn 
 from his mouth, but kept striving to toot, though his trumpet 
 was stufi'ed up with dirt. He was with them again directly; 
 and by the time I could get to the end of the wood, the 
 hounds were streaming away over the next field, pointing for 
 Ashby Folville, and with all the appearance of a capital 
 
 scent. I saw W , of course, get a start, and I rode two 
 
 fields to him ; and I believe, Mr. Nogo, was of some service 
 to you in saving you a fall." 
 
 I bowed my thanks, as the fact is, the young one was so 
 eager that I was forced to let him have his own way ; and 
 when my obliging friend holloaed to me, I was going 
 straight for the corner of the field, at a good-sized fence, on 
 the other side of which I afterwards ascertained there was a 
 large, deep pond. 
 
 "What a fellow W is to get a start!" said our 
 
 host : "he never loses a chance; and what a pace he gets 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 19 
 
 his horses along — ^he knows so well how to make them 
 gallop I " 
 
 I may here he allowed to tell an anecdote of the noble 
 lord alluded to, which, I think, illustrates not only quickness 
 and decision, but a degree of judgment as to pace which 
 must be invaluable in a race. Hounds were running really 
 fast over the finest part of Leicestershire, and were nearly a 
 
 field ahead of any one. Lord W , with several others, 
 
 jumped into a large grass field, at the further end of which, 
 and between them and the hounds, was a strong, black- 
 looking fence, that, on a nearer approach, was found to be 
 impracticable. There was but one place in it, and that was 
 made up of four stiff rails, with a soft green spot to land in, 
 that looked very like a certain fall ; and add to this, a large 
 herd of frightened bullocks rushing down towards it. His 
 mind was made up as quickly as his eye glanced towards the 
 place. He had ridden too many races not to know exactly 
 when to " come " ; and, conscious he was on a fast one, he 
 " sat down, and set to." It was a capital race. The leading 
 bullock ran remarkably stout ; hut the noble lord beat him 
 by a length: and although he came heels-over-head in the 
 bog on the further side, that was nothing, and another 
 minute saw him gracefully sailing over the opposite rise, well 
 compensated for a dirty coat by the knowledge that some 
 twenty of his most intimate friends were at that moment 
 fussing, fuming, and swearing behind him, hemmed in by the 
 herd of oxen that effectively stopped up their only egress, 
 and with the comfortable knowledge that, if hounds only 
 went on running as they aj^eared to be inclined to do, and 
 as they afterwards really did, they would be " nowhere," 
 and not one of them would ever again catch more than a 
 
 glimpse of Lord W 's horse's well-squared tail, till all 
 
 the fun was over — ^which eventually turned out to be the 
 case. 
 
 But to return to the run : 
 
 "Nogo, the wine is with you." Having restored the 
 circulation of the fluids, unconsciously icnpeded by my in- 
 attention, proceeded. "He had no intention of pay- 
 ing Ashby Folville a visit, but, leaving it on his right, made 
 as straight as a line for Ashby Pasture ; and they really went 
 such a trimming pace over the grass, that I began to think 
 
20 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 twenty minutes would finish the whole thing. However, 
 when we arrived at the wood, it was evident he had no ob- 
 jection to its shelter from being too warm ; for into it he 
 went, and out again at the further end, like a shot. I gal- 
 loped down the outside, keeping the wood on my right, as 
 hard as I could lick, and arrived at the corner just as the 
 hounds came out. Away they flashed, straight across the 
 opposite enclosure, and then up went all their heads at once 
 — much, I confess, to my relief; for, had I not been able to 
 get a puU then, I was beginning to wonder how much longer 
 my horse could live at the pace of an express train. The 
 Baronet, who had gone through with the hounds, had hold of 
 them, in a second, and, casting them short to the left, and 
 down wind, showed that he knew pretty well the nature of 
 the animal, and whereabouts Cream Lodge was. Sure 
 enough, that was his point,, for they hit it off, immediately ; 
 and, notwithstanding one field qtiite full of sheep, who, in 
 their usual warlike manner, had formed squadrons, and 
 charged right across his line, and another of oxen, they 
 hunted it merrily on, at a good holding pace, nearly up to 
 the gorse., Here, I fancy, he must have been headed from 
 his line ; for, with no apparent reason that we could make 
 out, they turned again to the right, leaving the gorse two 
 fields upon the left. I saw rather a good thing happen just 
 at this point. A young man on a neatish-looking, well-bred 
 horse, who had been going uncommonly well, but I suppose 
 had pumped him out in doing so, jumped manfully into a 
 double post-and-raU fence, with the laudable intention of 
 doing it at twice. The ditch, however, between the rails, 
 though dry, was deep, and the further timber looked high 
 and strong ; and when ' in,' like her Majesty's Ministers 
 the thing was, how to get him ' out.' Off he got, and, sitting 
 on the opposite rail, proceeded to pull manfully at his head. 
 The fish was safely hooked, and the line at its utmost 
 stretch, when crack went the rail on which my friend was 
 leaning for a purchase : at the same moment his horse, who 
 had been making up his mind for a final effort, jumped gal- 
 lantly at his falling owner, and, knocking him completely 
 over, with one fore-leg through his hat, he dragged him 
 prostrate into the field, only to leave him there with the 
 reins safe in his grasp, but, thanks to a treacherous head- 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 21 
 
 stall, nothing else remaining to him of his ' monture.' 
 Whether he is still in that field, trying to catch the runaway, 
 and singing, 
 
 ' The laBt links are broken that bound me to thee,' 
 
 I have not since had time to ascertain. The pace improved 
 considerably before we got to the Melton and Leicester road, 
 but not enough to prevent two northern gentlemen, both 
 heavy weights, from jumping a high, strong gate into it ; 
 and from our fox having turned down the road we had here 
 another trifling check, By-the-by, I saw a good many 
 fellows looking out for their second horses just about this 
 time ; but unless they had been ordered to patrol between 
 Melton and Brooksby, I do not see that there was much 
 reason to expect them. When the hounds hit it off again, 
 and really got their heads down in the grass meadows near 
 the river, away they went faster than ever, straight across 
 the middle of the fields, dashing through those thick fences 
 as if they were paper instead of blackthorn ; there was no 
 chance of a pull or even a turn, and the natural consequence 
 was the falls began to get plentiful ; I, for one, got a most 
 imperial crowner in what I believe to have been a second 
 ditch ; but the fact is, old Golightly was blown, and I had 
 been expecting it for one or two fields. However, they did 
 us a good turn in crossing the river not very far from the 
 bridge, so there was no swimming, or jealousy as to who 
 should be ' in first ' ; and again turning towards us on the 
 further side enabled us to be on pretty comfortable terms 
 with them." (Once more bells ring, "More claret.") "Well, 
 they never checked again ; I don't think I ever remember 
 so gallant a fox. I, viewed him travelling across the grass- 
 fields below Hoby, as if he never meant to give in ; but he 
 began to run short when we got near Eakedale, and after 
 coursing him up one hedge-row and down another, they 
 fairly ran into him in the open, just one field from Thruss- 
 ington Wolds ; time exactly fifty-six minutes : and the 
 distance with ' the compasses, mmd, on the Ordnance Tnap,' 
 eight miles, from point to point. I think we ought to drink 
 the Baronet's health and his hounds." 
 
 This was done justice to, as may be supposed, in a 
 
22 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 bumper ; and the conversation turned upon what L. called 
 the humours of the day. 
 
 " Who was that in the brook just after we left Barkby? 
 I never saw such fun. His horse tried to refuse it, and the 
 man forced him ; and after sliding six yards at least, in he 
 went overhead." 
 
 " Why that was me," said A. ; " he is a capital brook- 
 jumper, but a farmer crossed me, and put me out of my 
 stride as I was coming down to it ; and being young, and a 
 thorough bred one to boot, he won't bear contradiction, 
 and I was too happy to compound by doing it at two 
 stages." 
 
 " Well, you lost no time," said C, " for I saw you at 
 Ashby, and never remarked you were wet." 
 
 " How well G. went to-day; what a rattling good horse 
 that is ! " 
 
 " Well, did you ever know him go otherwise ? He is the 
 finest rider I ever saw ; and no one would suppose he was 
 going out of a canter till they came to gallop alongside of 
 him." 
 
 " How well your horse jumped that gate into the Leicester 
 road, 0. ! " said L. ; "I would not ha,ve ridden at it for fifty 
 pounds." 
 
 " Oh, yes, you would, my dear fellow : it was not much 
 of a gate ; the taking off was so sound. But he really is a 
 very good horse ; I have now hunted him ten seasons, and 
 he has certainly not given me ten falls." 
 
 " Not much of a gate ? " thought I ; " well, I saw it, and 
 it appeared to me at least a foot too high : certainly, these 
 fellows do ride." 
 
 " I hope you like Leicestershire, Mr. Nogo," said my 
 neighbour. " That seemed a nice sort of horse you were 
 riding, and appeared to carry you well." 
 
 " Like it ! "I replied, " I am delighted with it. I never 
 before knew what it was to see a run alndost entirely over 
 grass; and although to-day I certainly did not see more 
 than half the run to my satisfaction, I am so pleased that I 
 do not think I shall ever hunt anywhere else. 
 
 " Well said, Mr, Nogo," said our host. " WiQ anybody 
 have any more claret, or shall we go up-stairs ? There's 
 whist for those who like it, and weeds if fellows want to 
 smoke," 
 
J.JLJJDUXH XVL/U-L/ 23 
 
 Not being much of a whist-player, and having done justice 
 to my hospitable landlord's claret, I preferred the latter, 
 and accompanied him to a most luxurious divan ; where, ere 
 I had fairly lighted my Havanna and mixed a small modicum 
 of brandy and soda in an enormous tumbler, we were joined 
 by several men whom I had that morning met in the hunting- 
 field, and who had dropped in to smoke one cigar and have 
 a chat before going to bed : amongst others, the gentleman 
 whose horse I had caught in the morning, and who was 
 profuse in his acknowledgments for so trifling a favour. 
 What an evening we had ! Songs, good stories, laughter, and 
 that cordial good-humour which so generally influences an 
 assemblage of sportsmen, of whatever rank, the highest as 
 well as the lowest, served to keep the fun alive : two or three 
 sang remarkably well, and everything which admitted of 
 a chorus was most harmoniously appreciated. One song, 
 which actually, I believe, charmed away the whist-players 
 from their game by the manner in which it was sung, in one 
 of the richest and sweetest voices I ever heard an unprofes- 
 sional gifted with, rang in my ears for months afterwards ; 
 it was to the air of " Some love to roam o'er the dark sea 
 foam," and was, in fact, a mere parody on that song, but 
 being devoted to the sport we were all assembled to enjoy, 
 would have been popular, even if sung by a very moderate 
 performer ; and delivered as it was, in the sweetest of tones, 
 and with a taste and expression that is seldom met with, no 
 wonder it charmed us all ; and I, who had never heard 
 it before, or met with it elsewhere, was naturally more 
 delighted than any one. This must be my excuse for 
 giving, as nearly as I can recollect, the words of the 
 "chanson;" should they ever meet the author's eye, 
 he will, I am sure, " excuse errors," when he recollects I 
 was listening " a/rrectis auribus" under the combined in- 
 fluence of claret, smoke, and the brandy and soda-water 
 before mentioned, and this confession, I trust, will " bear 
 me harmless." 
 
 Some love to ride o'er the flowing tide, 
 
 And dash through the pathless sea ; 
 But the steed's braye bound, and the opening hound 
 
 And the rattling burst for me. 
 
24 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 gome track the deer o'er the mountain clear ; 
 
 But though weary the stalker's eye, 
 Be it mine to speed o'er the grassy mead, 
 
 And ride to a scent breast-higb. 
 
 Breast-high, &o. 
 
 There are those that love all the joys to prove 
 
 That crowd in the mantling bowl; 
 Who bow to the nod of the Thracian god, 
 
 And yield him up their soul. 
 Some speed the ball through the lamp-lit hall 
 
 With music and revel free ; 
 Or woo beauty's glance in the mazy dance. 
 
 But the joys of the chase for me. 
 
 For me, &c. 
 
 When we mount and away at the break of day. 
 
 And we hie to the woodland side ; 
 How the crash resounds as we cheer our hounds 
 
 And still at their sterns we ride. 
 Then at dewy eve, when our sport we leave 
 
 And the board we circle round, 
 How each boasts the speed of his fastest steed 
 
 And the dash of his favourite hound. 
 
 His hound, &o. 
 
 Then those that wiU may the bumper fill. 
 
 Or trace out the dance with glee ; 
 But the steed's brave bound, and the opening hound 
 
 And the rattling burst for me. 
 
 For me, &a. 
 
 When I got back to my room at night, and saw my 
 snowy leathers and well-cleaned boots placed in readiness 
 for the mom, can it be wondered that I went to my couch 
 humming "the steed's brave bound, and the opening 
 hound " ? Talking of boots, there is a great deal of 
 countenance in a well-made boot ; and a friend of mine 
 always turns his with the toes to the wall during a 
 prolonged frost: he says he cannot bear to see them 
 looking him in the face. 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 Can honour set a broken leg? 
 
 Pleasantly the days rolled on. What with moderate 
 
 sport in the morning, fine weather, and occasionally the 
 
 cheering influence of ladies' society in the field, sometimes 
 
 on horsehack, sometimes in pony-carriages, together with 
 
 the crowd of horsemen, which, besides the coffee-house of 
 
 the thing, was so convenient to hide in, when the nerves 
 
 were not quite sufficiently braced, and it was pleasanter to 
 
 ride amongst a gentlemanlike set of men who opened gates, 
 
 and knew the country and the bridle-roads, than to go 
 
 rasping, and bruising, and bustling, and screwing amongst 
 
 another set of men, fewer in number certainly, and equally 
 
 gentlemanlike, but who would never allow either that the 
 
 pace was as good, or the fences as stiff, or the run as 
 
 satisfactory as I imagined it in my inexperience to be. 
 
 Pleasant all this certainly was ; and my horses, with the 
 
 exception of Barabbas, turning out good ones ; my cards at 
 
 whist, which I soon ventured on, being generaU'y favourable, 
 
 my evenings being spent in eatiug good dinners in good 
 
 society, and playing short whist, holding good cards, I 
 
 began to think that the good things of this world were 
 
 more attainable than I had formerly supposed, and that I 
 
 was settling down into a most agreeable mode of life, when, 
 
 as ill luck — or rather my evil genius, who seldom leaves me 
 
 alone for long — would have.it, I must needs write up to 
 
 London to ask Segundo to come down and stay a week with 
 
 me, 
 
 as 
 
26 TILBVBY NOOO 
 
 Melton, February 12{fe, 18 — . 
 Deab SEauKDO, 
 
 My hoises are pretty sound, and the meets next week are so good, that 
 I am induced to nope that you will do me the favour of coming down and 
 spending a week with me here. I shall be happy to mount you, and hope 
 you will like the stud I have got together. Your old friend Barabbas is 
 looking remarkably well. Fray write a line as soon as possible. 
 
 I remain. 
 
 My dear Segundo, 
 
 Yoora very truly, 
 Alfred Segundo, Esg. T. Noao. 
 
 (Exact Copy.) 
 
 Such was my courteous and civil epistle to my friend, 
 whom I have already introduced to the reader as the 
 original promoter of my expedition into Leicestershire, and 
 the former owner of the calumniated bay horse. When I 
 call him my friend, it must be understood in the most 
 general acceptation of the word, as I never could exactly 
 make out who Segundo was. The style of man, perhaps, 
 will be more easily inferred from his answer to my sober 
 and gentlemanlike invitation. 
 
 " I'm there, old boy 1 Come to the station for me on Sunday, there's 
 a brick I don't be late. Thanks for the mounts. I'U show the nags how 
 to go. Good-bye, old slow-coach. 
 
 "Yours (in liquor), 
 
 " A. Segundo." 
 
 Now I appeal to any disinterested observer whether this 
 was not a most improper letter. I, who hate to be old- 
 fellowed, and patted, and patronised, and slapped on the 
 back, and all that sort of thing, to be called "a brick " and 
 a slow-coach too ! (I despise the inuendo about the horses) ; 
 and then to be ordered to the station like a servant ! my 
 blood quite boiled ; but there are some men that may do 
 anything they like, and that one always gives in to. Here 
 was Segundo ; he smoked my cigars, borrowed my money, 
 dined with me at clubs, was good enough to occupy my stall 
 at the Opera in the summer, and the box I generally 
 secured at the Lyceum in the winter (to the latter he 
 invariably brought a party of both sexes), and all this as if 
 I was the individual obliged, and he the person conferring 
 the favour. But so it always is : of every two persons that 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 27 
 
 associate, one will be the master-mind, or, what describes 
 the imposition still better, will get the upper hand of the 
 other. So it is when boys go partners at school; so 
 invariably in the partnership for life of man and wife, and 
 even in the dumb creation. Any man unfortunate enough 
 to be addicted to the amusement of gunning must have 
 observed how if Don and Ponto, pride of their respective 
 kennels, be enlarged together to scare the coveys from a 
 turnip-field, either Don will take the initiative, and go 
 through all the forms of snufBiag, staring, galloping back- 
 wards and forwards, and then stopping dead short in an 
 instructive and most constrained attitude, whilst Ponto 
 confines himself to a careful imitation of these exciting 
 manoeuvres, called by the professionals haekmg ; or else 
 vice versd, Ponto becoming fugleman, and Don being con- 
 tent to corroborate him. Yet when either of these sagacious 
 animals meets poor Bang, he immediately assumes the 
 command, and Bang, whose own master would not part 
 with him for untold gold, sinks without a struggle into 
 dummy at once. Thus was I invariably Bang in Segundo's 
 society ; yet I could not do without him, and though rather 
 slang, and not the most high-bred fellow in the world, he 
 certainly was an agreeable companion, with a flow of spirits 
 and readiness of humour seldom met with. 
 
 My first introduction to him was on the race-course at 
 Lansdown, during one of the Bath meetings, when I was 
 smitten with admiration at the extremely scientific style in 
 which he won a hurdle-race on an inferior-looking screw ; I 
 believe it was a match, and put a hundred pounds into his 
 pocket ; I afterwards met him at the Eed House, where I 
 saw him knocking the pigeons about in so artistical a manner 
 that I was induced to back him to win a sweepstakes, which 
 took five pound out of mine. There being a dif&culty about 
 getting back to London, he kindly undertook to scull me 
 down in a wherry, and being au fait at most things, 
 succeeded in landing me safely at Westminster, somewhat 
 alarmed by the voyage and drenched to the skin by the 
 swell we encountered from every passing steamer. Two or 
 three Greenwich dinners, at which I enacted Amphitryon, 
 cemented our acquaintance, and a few weeks saw him as 
 completely installed in my cab and free of my lodgings as if 
 
28 TILBUBY NOaO 
 
 we had been brothers in blood and affection, who bad never 
 been separated from our infancy. With all this, I never 
 succeeded in discovering his previous history : whether he 
 had a father and mother; whether he was bom a gentleman 
 or a clown, though his appearance hardly favoured the latter 
 supposition ; whether he ever had any private fortune, or 
 what part of England he originally came frOm — all these 
 antecedents were to me an impenetrable mystery. I fancy 
 he had seen some service, for he appeared to be well up in 
 most military matters, but certainly not in our army ; and 
 though I inclined to think he might have been a Queen of 
 Spain's man yet his knowledge of German airs and fondness 
 for hock somewhat weakened this theory by the counter- 
 supposition of a campaign with an Austrian hussar 
 regiment — no bad beginning for a man of the world. All 
 my inquiries were parried with a joke, a laugh, a song, or 
 a sell, and I am still as much in the dark as ever. He 
 was a good-looking fellow, spare and muscular ; about six 
 feet high ; with a most voluminous pair of black curling 
 whiskers, and a quick, searching eye, that nothing could 
 escape. Just the sort of man everybody says is " deuced 
 good-looking," but nobody " a deuced gentleman-like 
 fellow." There was a something — a sort of restlessness, 
 although accompanied with plenty of sang froid, that belied 
 the appearance of high birth which his features and figure 
 alone would have given him ; and his dress, which partook 
 largely of " the sporting," quite set at rest the question as 
 to whether Mr. Nogo's friend was the sort of person you 
 would be anxious to introduce to your family, and make at 
 once free of your house. 
 
 Like the inimitable Daly in ' Gilbert Gurney,' Segundo 
 was a dab at everything, and whether it was boating, 
 cricketing, driving, riding races, fishing (with most people 
 such a pleasant fiction), running, jumping, or swimming, 
 land and water, it was all the same to him ; at each and all 
 of these he was as thorough a proficient as if he had studied 
 nothing else. I don't know where he went to school, but 
 certainly they taught many accomplishments to an apt 
 pupil who had the education of Segundo. He could work 
 cross-stitch or play skittles ; slang a bargeman or perform 
 creditably on the piano-forte ; might have made a comfort- 
 
TILBUBT NOaO 29 
 
 able income with the pea and thimble in the palmy days of 
 that exciting amusement ; dance, fence, draw caricatures, 
 sing a capital after-dinner song, and conjure better than 
 any one I ever saw, except " the Wizard of the North," 
 that mighty magician, of whom nothing shall ever convince 
 me that he is not in c]ose partnership with another skilfiil 
 deceiver, who shall be nameless. The latter accomplish- 
 ment proved a fund of amusement to a party of us returning 
 on one occasion from Doncaster races. We had some 
 miles to go after leaving the train, through a bleak country 
 on a dark night ; and a heavy fall of raia made it necessary 
 to perform the rest of our journey in a post-chaise. One 
 of these vehicles we found at the station ; but not being 
 "with horses. Lady Clutterbuck," as "Used Up" says, 
 we were obliged to wait till they could be procured from 
 the nearest town. We were not sorry, therefore, to espy a 
 blazing fire in the tap-room of an adjacent pot-house, and 
 to its cheerful warmth we speedily betook ourselves, there 
 to smoke our cigars and enjoy whatever amusement the 
 passing hour might supply. We found the room fall of 
 stalwart Yorkshire countrymen, sedulously employed in 
 moistening their sturdy clay, and in the intervals of a 
 warm discussion concerning "f Moog" and "f Mare," 
 for it was in Alice Hawthorn's day, watching the progress 
 of a game at "all-fours," which was being played by two of 
 the competitors with as greasy and- well-thumbed a pack of 
 cards as the North Kiding could supply, but which game, 
 nevertheless, they were pondering over with all the con- 
 sideration some people think it necessary to bestow on 
 chess. In came Segundo, and after a pleasant interchange 
 of compliments with the rest of the party, down he sat to 
 play the winner at all-fours. I do not understand the 
 principle of this noble game, but from what I could gather 
 he did somethipig with the knave, which they denominated 
 " the jack," that secured his winning every point, and all 
 the wagers being laid in "pots," he had won enough beer 
 before he got up, to have started him at once in a flourish- 
 ing business as a publican. Much were the Yorkshiremen 
 puzzled at finding one so "far north," as they say; and the 
 more so from his antagonist being not supposed to confine 
 himself entirely to playing on the square. But thei; 
 
80 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 astonisliment was not destined to end here ; for Segundo, 
 shufiBing the pack with the true pliancy of finger that 
 betokens a professor of the science of legerdemain, quietly 
 demanded what any one would lay that a particular card 
 being drawn and replaced with the rest, he should without 
 seeing that card or moving from his chair, by one simple 
 sentence cause it to nail itself against the opposite door, 
 some fifteen feet from where he was sitting. The York- 
 shiremen looked at one another, and seemed inclined to 
 consider this a slight display of braggadocio, and the 
 investments of the party on the " Moog " having been for 
 the most part favourable, and there being no lack of capital, 
 they seemed to think this a good opportunity to get home 
 after their reverses at all-fours. Well, they laid him crown 
 pieces, and goes of brandy, and pots of beer, and every sort 
 of wager rapidly, and the excitement was beginning to equal 
 that which had accompanied the St. Leger we had just 
 been to see. Segundo shuffled the pack, and proffered it to 
 the patriarch of the parish to draw from — a shrewd, white- 
 haired old man, who during the whole performance never 
 took his keen eye off Segundo's countenance. Warily he 
 drew a card, which they crowded to look at, and which 
 turned out to be the ace of hearts ; and cautiously he 
 replaced it in the pack, apparently satisfied that it was 
 impossible the conjurer could have seen what it was, at all 
 events. Segundo now shuffled the cards, and begged his 
 nearest neighbour, a giant in a smock-frock, to cut; this 
 the giant did with a tremulousness that showed he was not 
 in the habit of patronising such amusements, the excitement 
 all this time becoming intense. Another shuffle, and our 
 wizard, whose pliancy of voice almost amounted to ventri- 
 loquism, began chanting a chorus from a Greek play, that 
 seemed to the astonished rustics to be an incantation 
 coming down the chimney. GeXw Xsyav arp«8ac must 
 have been to their ears as incomprehensible as their own 
 dialect would be to those of th« " regius professor ; " and 
 then with one prolonged crack, in which each individual 
 card had its share, away went the whole pack skimming 
 across the room, whiz past the head of the astonished 
 patriarch, bang against the wooden door, where they burst 
 like a shell, scattering themselves gracefully around, and 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 81 
 
 leaving the ace of hearts transfixed to the aforesaid 
 partition, with his face to the company, and sticking, 
 actually sticking np there before their astonished gaze ! 
 
 I never saw people so amazed ; I believe they thought 
 US all " uncanny ; " and although there was a slight 
 reaction in our favour consequent upon Segundo's refusal 
 to take their money, which was honestly proffered in pay- 
 ment of their wagers, I gathered from the old farmer's 
 parting "bon mot" what was the general opinion of our 
 friend ; for on his taking the reins from the charioteer, who 
 had by this time put horses to the desolate post-chaise, 
 and my impressing on him the necessity of our arriving 
 that night at our destination, " Mind, we must be there by 
 twelve o'clock," I heard the old gentleman mutter to his 
 next neighbour, the timorous giant in the smock-frock, 
 "Moost! aye, sure enough, needs moost when t'devil 
 droives." 
 
 The trick, though I believe one of the commonest " on 
 the cards," had evidently then for the first time penetrated 
 into the recesses of the North Riding, 
 
 Segundo was as good as his word, and made his ap- 
 pearance on the Sunday following my invitation, as I fully 
 expected he would do. In fact, I have never known an 
 occasion on which he has declined a proffered invitation 
 when anything like good fun or good quarters were likely 
 to be obtained by it. I did not go to the station for him, 
 contenting myself with sending Stubbs and the dog-cart 
 to wait upon him. I afterwards understood from that 
 worthy that he astonished him not a little by taking off 
 successively every article of harness and replacing the 
 whole upon a different system, informing Stubbs at inter- 
 vals that he knew no more of putting a horse into single 
 harness than a cow did of a pair of breeches, with several 
 other pleasantries of a like nature, more lively than 
 respectful, but which, instead of mortally offending my 
 master of the horse, as I should have supposed they 
 would, only seemed to increase his respect for the strange 
 gentleman. 
 
 We dined tete-a-tete, but some fellows came in after- 
 wards, and Segundo, who was on his good behaviour, was 
 most agreeable and amusing. I could see he was getting 
 
32 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 quite popular with the two or three people who joined us 
 for half an hour before going to bed, one of whom invited 
 us both to dinner the following day, and I rather gave 
 myself credit for having asked such an acquaintance down 
 to Melton, and swaggered up to bed pleased with my 
 evening, feeling quite keen about the morrow, and, above 
 all, congratulating myself on my invitation and hospitality. 
 " Let me see — Segundo shall ride Catamount, and I'll 
 have Phiz out first horse, and Barabbas second ; " in- 
 wardly resolving that, if I could possibly help it, I would 
 not lay my leg over the latter except to ride home upon. 
 Blind mortals that we are ! I dreamt that night that I 
 won the Liverpool steeple-chase on a buffalo. 
 
 "Forrard, forrard, forrard ! too, too, too!" from the 
 noble master ; " Get forrard, hounds, get forrard ! " from 
 a most varmint-looking whip ; whilst Groo.dall, cap in hand, 
 and boiling with excitement, comes galloping up the ride, 
 just in time to view his fox stealing along over the oppo- 
 site field, before the ridge hides him from his mortal 
 enemy. He has them out of covert in a twinkling ; they 
 settle down, notwithstanding the hurry and uproar, every 
 hound to his fox ; and away they go as if there could be 
 no doubt about their being in for a rattler. How well they 
 look with their spotted sides against the bright green- 
 sward ! somehow the grass always looks a richer green 
 when hounds are running over it. Now they reach the 
 fence : but ere that lucky fellow on the gray horse has 
 crashed into the next field with them, three couple are 
 already through, and before he can again settle into his 
 stride they are scouring away all together fifty yards ahead 
 of him. What a scene it is ! Already the line of horse- 
 men is completely broken; some dozen are riding for 
 themselves, the rest we have no time to look at. The best 
 rider in England is sailing away, almost alongside the 
 hounds, and by this time appears to skim over the fences 
 in the distance as though they were straws. The eleven 
 other " best in Englanders " are riding most wickedly 
 to overhaul him. On the right I see a bay horse very 
 artistically handed over a hog-backed stile with a foot- 
 board; the whole being done at a slapping pace. The 
 chestnut of course cannot condescend to follow. (Oh ! no, 
 
TILBURY NOGO 83 
 
 mustn't pull a horse out of his stride," is the excuse), and 
 slap he goes at " the loneliest spot." Ah ! I thought it 
 was a certainty : up went a very handsome switch-tail, and 
 &om the total disappearance on the farther side I fancy he 
 has got " one." Forty thousand miles an hour comes a 
 light weight, who, not getting a very good start, and being 
 confident of his horse's pace, is now making up for lost 
 time ; he don't seem to know that gate will open. Well 
 jumped, by the powers ! I should like to have that horse. 
 That's a thrusting fellow in black ; a parson, of course ; he 
 got deuced well away with them, and though he has had 
 two ox-fences in his line, he is still going close to the 
 hounds, and on most comfortable terms with them. On 
 the left are two thorough-bred ones, apparently racing ; 
 watch how like clockwor^ they rise and fall over the fences 
 alongside each other, whilst hardly a length in the rear 
 comes a fifteen-stone gentleman, making the most of every 
 inch of his ground, and living the pace with the best of 
 them. A little beyond these again, on the left, is a man 
 riding his own line, with the hounds turning towards him, 
 who bids fair, if things go on so, soon to have the best of 
 it. What a clever horse that looks, and how well he 
 jumped the timber under the tree and the double beyond 
 that ! There he goes again — ah ! safe over with a scramble. 
 By Jove, it's Segundo ; no it isn't — ^yet it is — Segundo and 
 the young one ! 
 
 Such was my mental soliloquy as I watched what bade 
 fair to be one of the best things of the season, from Freeby- 
 wood. We had found instantaneously, and to my un- 
 speakable discomfiture I had ascertained that Phiz was so 
 lame it would be impossible to ride him ; there was nothing 
 for it but Barabbas; and what with the delay, and the 
 disgust, and one thing and another, I was reduced to the 
 unenviable position of a looker-on, who, however much he 
 may proverbially " see most of the game," does not in fox- 
 hunting see the only part of the beholding which is sup- 
 posed to be satisfactory — ^namely, the hounds ; as no credit 
 whatever attaches to the being able to tell your friends, 
 "Here you were down," or "Here you funked;" from 
 the bare relation of these facts proving of itself that the 
 eye-wjtnoss ^lust have been behind, and consequently in a 
 
 4 
 
84 TILBUBY NOOO 
 
 worse place than the sportsman he calumniates. My 
 situation in the road, though hmnhle, was secure ; and I 
 am not sure that, mounted as I was, I should have been 
 at all anxious to exchange places even with the foremost 
 horseman. Defend me from riding Barabbas in front of 
 the sort of people before whom one must go ; no excuse 
 for shirking, no excuse for pulling ; hounds running, and 
 your friends behind you, with nothing for it but a thick 
 bullfinch, the further side uncertain, or four strong bars 
 and a slippery take-off for choice. I know the sort of 
 thing exactly, and therefore was not so very much dis- 
 contented to find myself trotting along a remarkably 
 sound lane (and to do Barabbas justice, he is a good hack), 
 with the laudable intention of seeing as much as I could 
 without unnecessary danger, and, if possible, falling in 
 with those pilots for the " tailers," the second horses. 
 
 I was never, as the reader has by this time found out, 
 very famous for my luck ; and though I trotted to this 
 rising ground and cantered to that, opened a gate here 
 and walked through a gap there, I was unsuccessful either 
 in finding the second horses aforesaid (whose dark mass 
 had often before proved a beacon in my distress), or in 
 maldng out at all the line of the run. First I went one 
 way and then another, till having wandered about as near 
 as I could guess for an hour, the well-known twang of the 
 horn caught my ear, and ere I had time to turn in the 
 direction of the sound, the whole Field burst upon my 
 sight, standing quietly in the middle of an enclosure some 
 half a mile off; having, as I afterwards found, had a very 
 satisfactory run of five-and-twenty minutes, and killed 
 their fox within two fields of the wood where they found 
 him. Of course I joined them ; and having accounted for 
 myself with the usual excuses of bad start, first horse 
 lame, second horse difficult to find, &c., I shared my 
 sandwich and sherry with Segundo, gave him a capital 
 cigar, and disregarding his repeated entreaties that I 
 would ride the young horse, that he was quite fresh, that 
 Barabbas would be delighted to have his old master on 
 him again, &c., I manfully rode on to see them draw for 
 another fox — some busy devil within me whispering that I 
 really must make an attempt to ride this time ; that I had 
 
TILBUB7 NOGO 85 
 
 not gone a run for a fortnight ; that people would think I 
 fanked ; and, in short, that come what might, I must 
 give Barahbas an opportunity of going if he could, which, 
 I confess, he had never done yet. Then Segundo told 
 me sundry stories how he had ridden him over this fence 
 with the stag, and over that brook with the H. H., and 
 a wonderful place that was measured out larking: more 
 fool he! thought I. So that all this, and the impostor 
 himself carrying me very pleasantly over two or three small 
 fences, going from covert to covert, got my courage up 
 wonderfully ; and I determined to shove him along — with- 
 out, however, expressing my devout -msh that there might 
 be no occasion to do so. Alas ! if Fortune favours the 
 bold, she is not always so accommodating with the shy. 
 A quicker find than before, and the first half-mile all 
 down hill was extremely trying to my nerves on a heavy- 
 shouldered animal with a bad mouth ; but thanks to 
 Segundo's good-nature and quickness, for he piloted me 
 for some time, I got a capital start, and was well with 
 them for two or three fields. " Vires acquirit evmdo," is 
 wonderfully true about riders, though it mskj not hold quite 
 so good with their horses ; and on my jumping into a large 
 flat meadow with every appearance of a brook in the middle 
 of it, I had not an idea of refusing. Barabbas's blood was 
 up ; and the brook being a mild one, I negotiated it so 
 energetically as narrowly to miss jumping on my own 
 horse's back, and annihilating my friend, who had ridden 
 my young one at it a trifle too slow in front of me. It 
 was getting delightfiil ; my sensations were like those of a 
 man in a dream, and I really felt as if I was " doing the 
 trick : " how pleasant to have this six days in the week ! 
 On we went, the fences getting rather stiffer ; Barabbas 
 much excited, and somewhat blown. A high, strong black- 
 thorn fence in front of me, not a very good take off, and 
 Segundo pulling the young one well together for the 
 weakest place in it, where, behind him as I was, I could 
 spy it was strengthened with a most treacherous rail. 
 Over went the young one; and Segundo, looking back, 
 shouted something, I know not what. I was coming hand 
 over hand towards the fence ; I made a desperate effort to 
 collect Barabbas, but I could feel him setting his mouth 
 
86 TILBUBT NOGO 
 
 as if it was cast iron, and in amongst the unsound ground 
 he went like a bull : it stopped our way a little, but not 
 enough to save us, and I have a most vivid recollection of 
 the rail, which on a nearer inspection looked quite strong 
 enough to turn us both over. 
 
 The next thing I remember was being bled by candle- 
 light in my room at Melton, where I was gracefully 
 reclining on my back, with a fractured collar-bone and 
 something very like a concussion of the brain ; whilst 
 Segundo, who was explaining the circumstances to the 
 doctor and an inquiring friend, finished his apparently 
 exciting history with a few disjointed observations, 
 amongst which my ears were regaled with sentences 
 such as the following: "No fault of the nag's; told 
 him to ride slow at it ; worst horseman in England," 
 with something about a child and a donkey, which a 
 second fainting fit prevented my quite catching the 
 meaning of. 
 
 Hunting was out of the question for the rest of the 
 season ; and after a fortnight of bed at Melton I betook 
 myself to London, where it was a good six weeks before 
 I was sufficiently restored even to be questioned about my 
 accident. However, it is an ill wind that blows nobody 
 any good, and Segundo had the horses to ride till the end 
 of the season, which he seems to have done most gallantly, 
 and, as he wrote me word, with no further casualty than 
 one broken back. I never heard, however, that he could 
 go so well on Barabbas as on any of the others. 
 
/'-tiv«!JlWo^c[f 
 
 " ' I have a most vivid recollection of the rail.' " 
 Tilbury Nogo.'] U'agc 36 
 
CHAPTEE VI 
 
 ceockfoed's 
 
 Here the blithe youngster, just returned from Spain, 
 Cuts the light pack, or calls the rattling main ; 
 The jovial caster's set, and seven's the nick. 
 Or done a thousand on the coming trick. 
 
 Byeon. 
 
 " Don't drink Lady Dowdy's champagne, Nogo. I know 
 where she gets it. Let's go to Crocky's, and have some 
 supper there : this thing's getting a bore," said a voice at 
 my elbow, as I proffered an empty tumbler to be filled 
 with champagne and Seltzer-water by one of Countess 
 Dowdy's officials, in a voluminous white waistcoat ; and 
 turning to my timely monitor, I recognised handsome Jack 
 Eaffleton, a young guardsman who had lately been kind 
 enough to patronise me considerably, and whose hospitality 
 at the expense of Government I had repeatedly enjoyed, 
 at his bivouac in St. James's Palace. " Come along, 
 old fellow ! I'll drive you down to St. James's Street. I've 
 kept my cab waiting, and it's past twelve o'clock ; so for- 
 ward ! " 
 
 I had just been elected a member of the club alluded to. 
 Alas ! even then had its glories begun to pale. The great 
 financier, who gave his name to that stately pile, had 
 ceased to superintend the phalanx of Fortune's worshippers, 
 though they still hovered round her shrine. His course 
 was almost run, and 'twas whispered that only the talis- 
 manic name of Rattan held his mighty spirit in its chains 
 of clay. Had the owner died, the nomination of a first 
 favourite for the Derby must have been void ; and, despite 
 
 37 
 
38 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 of doctors, Crockford lingered on. The Wednesday came ; 
 and Eattan was nowhere. True, he succumbed to a four- 
 year-old — and I hxive heard that it requires a very good four- 
 year-old to win a Derby ; but the second place was filled, 
 and the third ; and ere Orlando's owner had received the 
 stakes, the earthly career of one of the greatest speculators 
 of modem times was closed for ever. Shortly before these 
 events, I had been elected a member of Crocky's, familiarly 
 so called ; but, in the verdancy of my youth and the bash- 
 fulness of my inexperience, I had never yet ventured within 
 the precincts of the club, and I was not sorry to make my 
 dihut under the wing of so auspicious a patron of Jack 
 Eaffleton, who knew everybody, was hand-and-glove with 
 dukes, earls, legs, millionaires and spendthrifts, and upon 
 a fixed income of £400 per annum, and a fluctuating one, 
 depending as he said, on public events, meaning Derbies, 
 Legers, Cambridgeshires, &c., contrived to keep his hunters 
 at Melton, and his day and night horse for his cab in 
 London, to say nothing of his " menus plaisirs " — I should 
 think no trifle, though, truth to tell, his great friends did 
 pull him through occasionally. He was very popular — 
 could ride " like a bird," and, winning or losing, was 
 always perfectly good-humoured and gentlemanlike — 
 qualifications which, in this wicked world, cover a multitude 
 of sins. Whilst Jack was fumbling for his cigar-case, and 
 shaking out his " gibus," I cast a longing, lingering look 
 behind. I had spent a pleasant evening ; and even now, 
 the white shoulder and dark ringlets of her with whom 
 I had danced my last quadrille almost tempted me back to 
 the ball-room. A strain of JuUien's loveliest melody, 
 " Olga," was vibrating on my ear; and nothing but Jack's 
 exclamation, that "that eternal waltz made him sick," 
 and the extreme irritation and impatience of his " night- 
 horse " — an animal that had been twice in harness, and 
 originally drafted from the hunting-stable on account of 
 his violent disposition^ — induced me to leave the fascinating 
 scene. As we hurried through the hall, we met Lord 
 Dribble-die returning from the cloak-room on his way up- 
 stairs : and as he passed Jack, I saw by the curious vibra- 
 tion of wrist and elbow with which he signalised him, that 
 a perfect understanding reigned between the two, though I 
 
J.XljJiUjttl JSUUU 89 
 
 was as yet ignorant of the intei-pretation of this masonic 
 sign. Bang goes the apron of the cab ; and the black 
 horse, standing well up on end, throws himself into his 
 collar and dashes off. I can see by the action of Jack's 
 white kids against the dark lining of the carriage, that he 
 is pulling a good one ; and one or two close shaves of 
 a lamp-post and consequent " slews " (as they say in a 
 sledge) in a lateral direction across the next street, help to 
 con-vince me that, though I am being coached by a work- 
 man, it is even betting whether we reach Piccadilly with- 
 out a smash. However, it does not do to say you are 
 afraid ; so I sit still, and talk about Epsom and Ascot, as if 
 I was at ease in my arm-chair. It is a lovely night — ^the 
 wooden pavement opposite the White Horse Cellar as dry 
 as a bone — and, whisking round the comer where, day and 
 night, stands the Charon of sweepers, with his engaging 
 bow and his red waistcoat, we take a pull at the black 
 horse opposite the old Guard's Club, on the well-worn steps 
 of which, ensigns in white paletots stand smoking their 
 temperate tobacco in the midnight air, and bring him up 
 all standing at the broad portals of our princely pan- 
 demonium. Some sitting on the balustrades, some grouped 
 on the flags, some picking their careM way over from 
 White's, are assembled what the Morning Pos* calls " the 
 dlite of the fashionable world," though the majority of them 
 owe their least claim to distinction to what is called 
 fashion. Lounging round that door are men whose names 
 you will see in every morning paper you may take up — 
 names that the future history of our country shall record 
 on her undying page. Statesmen, warriors, authors, 
 diplomatists, a foreign prince or two, noble lords, and 
 wealthy commoners, mingled with younger brothers, agree- 
 able rou^s, attachis, and guardsmen — but all gentlemen, 
 and, with few exceptions, bearing the stamp of gentle birth 
 on their persons and features, assisted by the fact of their 
 being extremely well dressed. It is odd enough, but, con- 
 sidering how fittle pains he takes about it, an English 
 gentleman is the only animal extant that really looks well 
 dressed in a plain evening costume. A foreigner, if he 
 don't require padding, comes out very creditably in a 
 uniform. Your tailor (the very man whose clothes you 
 
40 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 wear) passes muster well enough at Kichmond or Black- 
 wall; but if I wanted to find out by his appearance 
 whether a stranger belonged to what are generally called 
 the upper classes, and was only allowed to judge by his 
 appearance, I say, send him up-stairs to dress for dinner, 
 give him ten minutes to do it in, and see what he looks 
 like when he comes down at the end of it ! 
 
 Following Jack's example, I left my top-coat, or what- 
 ever the flimsy sacks are called, with that Simonite, whom 
 Jack took the greatest delight in endeavouring to puzzle. 
 Coat after coat, as he assured me, has he borrowed, to leave 
 in that functionary's care; yet so sure as he came out 
 into the pale light of a summer's morning, on his home- 
 ward way, so sure was that individual coat forthcoming, 
 and ready to protect his dissipated person. Out of the 
 hundreds of members who nightly left their outward cover- 
 ings in his charge, he was never known to make a mistake. 
 It was no fault of his, if the wolf was ever disguised in the 
 sheep's clothing. With him, then, I left my paletot, 
 nothing doubting ; and, reserving my hat (which I never 
 could understand the comfort of at supper), I followed my 
 leader into the hall, past the weighing machine, whose 
 index never pointed to within a stone of the actual weight, 
 and rushing up the handsome staircase three steps at a 
 time, I found myself in one of the most tastefully furnished 
 drawing-rooms I ever saw — style, Louis Quatorze, and ex- 
 ceedingly well done. Periodicals of all sorts — everything a 
 club generally has ; a large mirror over the fireplace ; but, 
 like the " Palace of the White Cat," not a soul but our 
 two selves in it. The next room fully explained why ; and 
 thither Jack, who was always hungry, hurried me. 
 
 I recollect when a five-act comedy, called "Money," 
 came out upon the stage (I think I am right in the name, 
 but will not be certain), the scene that, of all others, drew 
 down the greatest amount of applause, was that in which 
 the dramatis personm pair off from the drawing-room to go 
 to dinner, the effect being heightened by the coup d'ceil of 
 a dining-room, with table laid, servants in attendance, and 
 all the glitter of lights and plate. It was managed as 
 such " effects " are only on the stage ; and the supper- 
 room at Crockford's forcibly reminded me of this popular 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 41 
 
 scene. There were candelabra, epergnes, vases for fruit, 
 plateaux for everything, and such a supper as Francatelli, 
 with a battery of unknown range, could send up ; the only 
 difference between this and the table at Covent Garden 
 being, that the former was surrounded by niembers busily 
 occupied in discussing the good things eatable and drink- 
 able that were before them, but, as I remarked at the 
 time, all, without an exception, with their hats on. I have 
 been told that this was the distinction between Crocky's 
 and " over the way." I believe that in those unapproach- 
 able precincts men take off their hats when they go up- 
 stairs ; but the sacred rights of the ballot, and the defence 
 of the magic " pill," called by the uninitiated a black-ball, 
 prevent such as me from being able to state, as an eye- 
 witness, the manners and customs of the members of that 
 solemn institution. Why, their very waiter in those days 
 must have been of celestial origin by his father's side, if 
 his likeness to the "heaven-bom statesman," and his own 
 diplomatic talents, may warrant the supposition. 
 
 But to return to Crocky's. Loud and unceasing was the 
 confusion of tongues, honourable members being engaged 
 in discussing every subject under the sun, in every key, 
 from declamation abusive to whisper confidential. Politics, 
 racing, hunting, wine, women, scandal, music, &c., with a 
 running accompaniment of what Rabelais calls the " cliquetis 
 d'assiettes," and occasionally a protracted rattle as of some 
 small, hard substance violently agitated in a box, concluded 
 by an inexplicable "bang! " composed altogether a pot- 
 pourri which nothing in music but Jullien's Eow Polka 
 could give the slightest idea of, and which we must despair 
 of being able to convey in sober prose. " Well, I think her 
 singing perfection ; but I can't have her acting." " Now, 
 1 don't agree with you at aU : the acting is lady-like and 
 good, but her voice wants volume." "I took 700 to 2 
 
 about him to-day ; and as for public running " " I saw 
 
 you at Richmond ; and we know pretty well why you went 
 back in the brougham — eh, old fellow ? " " 'Pon my soul, 
 I should advise you to buy him : he carried me for five- 
 and-forty minutes, as hard as ever they could go, over the 
 finest part of Leicestershire ; and I know Hardup refused 
 two hundred for him." "Didn't quite like the picture — 
 
42 TILBUBY NOOO 
 
 he can't have finished it himself; and then that brown 
 scarf spoils the tone altogether." " Obliged to be at 
 Windsor, or I'd come, only I'm in waiting." " We'll go 
 down by water, and come back in the drag — dine early, for 
 she has to go back to sing." " No division, after all : 
 they are taking 6 to 5 about Ministers over the way. I'll 
 take it, I'll bet it — sure to be beat." " How she dances ! 
 By Jove it's the most perfect thing! I like her better 
 than Fanny Elssler in her best days." " Not half a good 
 cook. I stayed with him a fortnight, and lost weight im- 
 mensely." " Capital shooting. Bought a pack of hounds 
 in Devonshire. Very slow huntsman." " Had a very 
 bad night. Saw him in Eome. Went out with a cardinal. 
 All hushed up." " She asked half London. Devilish 
 bad ball. Made our party for Ascot. I'll tell you a good 
 thing about Prince Poskywosky." "Kather you would 
 tell me a good thing about the Derby." Whisper, whisper. 
 " Give me some champagne and Seltzer- water." " Raffle- 
 ton, let's go and look into the next room." 
 
 Such was the disjointed conversation that smote on my 
 unsophisticated ear; but claret-cup and Twiss's mixture 
 had brought me to that point at which anything in the 
 shape of a lark is desirable, and accordingly, seeing Jack rise 
 to make a move for the next room, as they called it, I was 
 nothing loath to accompany him into that mysterious 
 apartment. What a contrast with that which we had just 
 left ! Imagine a comfortable, well-proportioned room, softly 
 carpeted, well warmed and aired, and lighted so that the 
 glare, shaded from the eyes, was thrown brilliantly upon a 
 green-covered table in the centre ; a large screen shutting 
 out the noise of the supper-room, and the irritating tread 
 of footsteps passing and re-passing ; a most business-like 
 desk in one corner, behind which is seated a respectable 
 and wealthy-looking individual of a certain age, who ever 
 and anon hands a neatly-made-up packet of what look like 
 opera-tickets to an attendant minister, proffering a wooden 
 bowl for their reception, and then with a satisfied air 
 appears to make an entry in a sort of ledger before him. 
 But little furniture, and that simple and in good taste; 
 several chairs, many of them empty, placed round the 
 table before mentioned, on whose bright green cloth, soft 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 43 
 
 and smooth as that of a billiard-table, are marked several 
 cabalistic numerals, the words "In," " Out," and sundry 
 lines running round the edges, too well known to the three 
 or four men who are sitting round its surface, and one of 
 whom has got through two princely fortunes in the study of 
 a science to acquire which he is now squandering a third 
 in vain. Two individuals in black preside over the solemni- 
 ties, both wearing green shades, both armed with small 
 rakes in their hands, and both having apparently no 
 greater knowledge of their mother-tongue than is necessary 
 for the formation of such sentences as " Take on the hand," 
 " Seven out," " Six to five," " In with quatres " (pro- 
 nounced "caters"), "Have a back, sir," "Make your 
 game," " Deuce-ace," &c. ; but under whose shades are 
 lynx-like eyes, keen to watch the turning of a die, and 
 brains not to be confounded by the most complicated compu- 
 tation of the odds. Wonderful is the worship of Mammon, 
 and universal his sway, from the penniless rouS, who 
 plays avowedly because he has nothing to lose, to the 
 millionaire who hopes to get his new service of plate for 
 nothing by throwing in a hand; each plays wholly and 
 solely to win money — money alternately the curse and the 
 blessing of a lifetime, but ever sought after as the one thing 
 needful to mortal man. Heed not those who make excuses 
 for the gambler ; who say — " Such a one plays, certainly ; 
 but he does it for excitement : he does not care for money, 
 he is the most liberal man in the world ; he is a capital 
 fellow." I tell you no such thmg : no man sits down to 
 play with any idea or intention but that of winning ; the 
 excitement is the lust for gold ; avarice, avarice is the 
 passion that fills those dens most appropriately called 
 hells ; and here, amongst the high-bom of the land, alas ! 
 the thirst for wealth is still unsatiated, unsatiable. Mam- 
 mon is an uglier word than Fortune, but they are one and 
 the same idol ; and so blinded are their votaries, that it is 
 a well-known fact that several hell-keepers, conscious of 
 the advantages that they themselves enjoy by keeping the 
 hank at their own houses, being aware as they must be, 
 better than any one, of the constant pull of the game in 
 their favour as long as they continue only to superintend 
 and furnish the sinews for the struggle ; in short, knowing 
 
44 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 that the bank must win — cannot yet resist the temptation 
 of trying their fortune as players at other tables, and 
 placing themselves on an equality of loss with the multitude 
 of dupes from whose short-sighted avarice they draw their 
 own resources. But the play-room at Crocky's is hardly 
 the place to moralise, however much it may furnish 
 materials for to-morrow's waking reflections ; so let us see 
 how the system works as the ivory representatives of hun- 
 dreds circulate round the table. 
 
 Who is that good-looking fellow, sweeping the dice into 
 the box with his gloved hand, as in the full swing of 
 success he prepares to call his fourth main? Six cool 
 hundreds was he out, when Fortune smiled upon his 
 endeavours, and, regardless of the empty account at 
 Coutts's, the outstanding bills, and the mortgaged patri- 
 mony, he "potted it on," when he threw in his first main, 
 as though what he calls "pluck," and his aunt " reckless- 
 ness," were a negotiable commodity, and would serve to 
 pay his way as well as lawful coin of the realm. Once 
 has he dribbled deuces stealthily over the baize ; once has 
 he punted cinques gallantly on the board ; once has eleven, 
 mystic link with the magic seven, leapt triumphant from 
 the box; and as he again prepares his skilful cast, the 
 backers spread their accumulating counters where the word 
 "in" points the way to fortune; whilst one pale youth, 
 whose propensity for backing out each player but himself 
 has in this instance cost him nearly the price of his com- 
 mission, but who prides himself upon his immovability of 
 countenance and temperament, i:awls out — " Rather a 
 good caster ! " " Page, give me another hundred ; " and, 
 with a fresh bowl and another relay of counters, works per- 
 severingly on in his untoward course. But meanwhile the 
 box rattles aloft. "Seven!" shouts the caster, and the 
 green masks echo — " The main is seven." " Make your 
 game, gentlemen." Still the white glove is vibrating aloft, 
 and the lynx-eyes twinkle beneath the green shades of the 
 attendants ; one more rattle, and down comes the box with 
 a violence that leaves a semicircular mark indented on the 
 cloth. No seven is there, but an envious five grins at him 
 from the dice. " A five to a seven," says the shade, as the 
 caster spreads his store between the parallel lines in front 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 45 
 
 of him. One voice is heard to say — " What are the odds ? " 
 A tyro he, but quickly to be instructed by the brief reply 
 of " Three to two " ; and had he looked at his next neigh- 
 bour he would have seen two red counters, signifying each 
 one hundred pounds, laid quietly down to be converted 
 into three by one successful cast : the wished-for five comes 
 not, and still delayed is the dreaded seven. All the 
 numerals seem to come up in turn but those on which hope 
 and fear depend. How loud the clock ticks ! it jars on the 
 strung nerves of the players as they watch the dice with 
 straining eyes. One turn of the wrist sends a die spinning 
 across the table, which, stopped by the opposite edge, turns 
 up a tray. Now for the tug of war. " If there is one 
 thing I pride myself on, it is dribbling a deuce," says the 
 unmoved caster, in reply to the groom-porter's business-like 
 observation of " tray landed," and laughingly he shakes 
 the still imprisoned die in its cell. Holding the box 
 horizontally, he waves it twice or thrice with a sweeping 
 motion of his wrist, and gently impels the ivory messenger 
 on its important errand. The dice pitches on its comer, 
 rolls over, and lo ! a fatal four stands confessed. " Seven 
 out," says the green shade. Bu«ily work the rakes to 
 gather in the spoil. The pale youth having been scrupu- 
 lously paid, gathers his winnings towards him, while the 
 defeated caster, declining the courteous offer of " a back," 
 rolls the box on to his nearest neighbour, veiling his chagrin 
 under an affected smile. 
 
 I had been so occupied in watching this scene as I stood 
 behind the principal performer, identifying myself with his 
 interests and triumphing in his success, that I never re- 
 marked Jack Eaffleton, who, having taken a chair on the 
 further side of the table, was now immersed in the chances 
 and changes of the game. Judging by the multiplicity of 
 counters before him, he was winning considerable ; but 
 nothing in Jack's handsome face would ever give an 
 observer an idea of what was going on within. Winning 
 or losing, he was coolness itself, and amongst other pecu- 
 liarities of his temperament, he was never known by his 
 most intimate Mends to put himself in a passion. As he 
 himself said, when, meeting him after a certain Derby, I 
 condoled with him on the loss which I knew he had 
 
46 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 sustained of two thousand — " Yes," was Jack's answer, 
 with his usual cheery laugh ; " but, worse than that, I have 
 lost my carriage and my luncheon ; been losing my time 
 looking for them ; and now, if I can only lose my temper I 
 shall have got rid of everything belonging to me, and start 
 fresh, as an insolvent in a new line." Poor Jack ! he was 
 a great friend of mine, and I must be excused if I cannot 
 resist the temptation of relating another anecdote, ex- 
 emplifying the way in which he could keep his temper 
 under the most rufiBing circumstances. 
 
 Before he exchanged into the Guards, Jack was a 
 subaltern in a very crack Hussar regiment, and, as may be 
 supposed, was a dandy of the first water. Naturally of an 
 affectionate and kind disposition, he was as fond of pets as 
 any old maid that ever kept a paJrot; and of all his 
 favourites, two tiny King Charles's spaniels bore the bell. 
 He never walked out without them; they had a seat in 
 his phaeton, and a bed on his writing-table ; and it was a 
 joke at mess that the only way to get a " rise " out of Jack 
 was to abuse his long-eared darlings. 
 
 One fine summer's day Jack was sauntering leisurely 
 up the High Street, with his little four-footed fi-iends, as 
 usual, close behind him, when the odour of Midsummer 
 meat from a butcher's shop proved too much temptation for 
 Fan to resist ; and, sneaking quietly away, she ensconced 
 herself, in company with a large piece of raw flesh, right 
 under the butcher's dresser. Out of the back shop 
 rushed blue-sleeves in a fury aggravated by the height 
 of the temperature, and with one kick sent poor Fan 
 flying across the street, to where her elaborately dressed 
 master was sauntering quietly along. He heard the 
 piteous howl of his favourite, and saw the stalwart butcher 
 fuming upon his door-step ; and one glance explained the 
 whole transaction. But what did Jack ? — ^rush across the 
 street, and annihilate the miscreant who could so ruthlessly 
 treat a dumb animal ? No such thing. The highway had 
 been watered, and was inch-deep in mud ; Jack's boots 
 were French-polished, and fitted him like a glove ; so he 
 gingerly walked on to where a paved crossing enabled him 
 to pass over unsoiled ; and, marching down the street again 
 at the same tranquil pace as before, halted immediately 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 47 
 
 opposite the butcher, who was still nursing his wrath in 
 his own doorway. 
 
 " I say, butcher," drawled out the dandy, " did you kick 
 my dog ? How could you do so ? You are very ugly, and 
 enough to frighten any animal to death without mauling 
 it." 
 
 Such an address as this was not calculated to soothe 
 irritation ; and the butcher, a proper-built fellow of some 
 fourteen stone, intimated his intention of treating the 
 questioner (whose appearance he thoroughly despised) in 
 the same manner that he had served his dumb favourite. 
 
 "Oh, you will, will you? Butcher, can you fight?" 
 said Jack, as he buttoned his coat systematically up to the 
 throat, and, drawing on his gloves, stood carelessly in front 
 of his antagonist. " Now butcher, are you ready ? " added 
 the dandy, aggravating his address with a lisp put on for 
 the occasion. 
 
 To it went the man of marrow-bones with a will ; and 
 being a stout active fellow, made sure that a few rounds 
 would settle the whole business. And so it did ; but not 
 exactly as he anticipated. He had altogether mistaken his 
 customer. Jack, a lathy lengthy man, far heavier than his 
 antagonist had they both been brought into condition, was, 
 besides this, one of the best amateurs in London ; and as 
 he kept peppering away with perfect good humour at his 
 adversary, it was evident that what was a mortal struggle to 
 the butcher was merely a " breather " to the swell. After 
 a few unsuccessful rallies, in which the Hussar did not 
 receive a single scratch, a well-planted right-hander in the 
 wind sent the yokel down upon the pavement ; where he 
 lay, apparently deaf to the call of time. Ere this a crowd 
 had coUected ; and the remarks made were, as usual, highly 
 complimentary to the winner. 
 
 " Yes," said Jack, in reply to a scientific rat-catcher who 
 was dilating on the issue of the fight — " Yes ; I wasted my 
 time sadly upon his dial-plate. Had he been a baker 
 instead of a butcher, I should have hit him in the bread- 
 basket long ago." 
 
 So much for Jack's coolness ! And as he sat behind his 
 pile of counters (and I saw'that he had a sum far exceeding 
 what I knew to be his yearly income, on the table in front 
 
48 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 of him, depending on the issue of the next main) I could 
 not help regretting that all that nerve, judgment, coolness, 
 and daring should be lavished on such a pursuit as Hazard. 
 Many a good man has rued the hours wasted and the means 
 squandered upon a cubic piece of ivory. Often had I been 
 warned of the fascination of play — often had I been told 
 that the allurements of the demon were irresistible, and 
 that once having given way, once having fallen, there was 
 no retreat ; yet, even as I looked, I felt the spell stealing 
 over me, the insidious poison was creeping into my veins, 
 and almost ere I was aware I had seated myself at the 
 table between my friend and a fresh-coloured, good- 
 humoured-looking personage iwho was playing like fury, 
 and prepared to take my first sip of that goblet whose 
 brim sparkles with the keenest excitement — whose dregs, 
 alas ! too often drained, ' are remorse, infamy, it may be 
 suicide. 
 
 The heart beat and the hand trembled as I took my bowl 
 with its modicum of counters. " Young I was, and sore 
 afraid ; " and a modest pony was all I ventured to call for 
 on this, my first essay. The table was pretty full ; and I 
 contented myself, until the box should come round to me, 
 with backing " in " or " out," as the whim seized me, in 
 the smallest sums — enough, however, to decrease my store 
 to nearly half its original amount ; when my next neighbour, 
 who having called for fresh dice, and selected two with the 
 utmost care only to throw "crabs," vnth a stifled execration 
 and a pleasing smile rolled the box on to me. Feeling 
 somewhat shy and very nervous, I put £5 on the "in" 
 and caUed "seven." Up came a ten: two or three more 
 throws, and up came my ten again ; apparently much to 
 the satisfaction of Jack Eafileton and one other man, who 
 had put on " cinques," which, as they said, I had "landed 
 for them." I did not quite understand it ; but receiving my 
 winnings with a good grace, allowed them to remain on the 
 table, and again prepared to call " seven." Why was it 
 that the " ins " on each side of the table were immediately 
 filled up ? Why was the disposition to back the caster so 
 unerringly displayed? Could my verdancy have already 
 peeped out? Could my generosity to the "table" in 
 having nothing to do with the odds on my previous throw 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 49 
 
 have stamped me at once as a fresh hand, whose proverbial 
 good luck wotdd enable winners to add heap to heap, and 
 losers to " ride home upon the young one 7" I know not ; 
 but I could not help remarking the telidency, and, truth to 
 tell, it served to encourage me wonderfully. " Seven," I 
 called lustily ; and down it came " a nick." Still did I 
 leave my winnings untouched ; and again I called the 
 magic number — "Eleven's a nick!" "Bravo!" "A 
 capital caster ! " and other laudatory mutterings are heard 
 around. In short, ere I threw out with an unsuccessfully- 
 attempted nine I had attained my thirteenth main, to the 
 discomfiture of the bank and the satisfaction of several 
 lords and gentlemen who had speculated on cbLy success. 
 Jack Eaffleton won largely; my fresh-coloured friend 
 enormously ; and I myself got up a richer man by JG350 in 
 crisp bank-notes than I had sat down. Little did I think 
 how spoonily I had managed my good fortune. I was quite 
 satisfied with my success ; and did not disturb myself with 
 the reflection that had my friend Jack, or almost any other 
 man at the table, been indulged with such a run of luck as 
 mine, he would have " broke the^ bank " to a certainty, and 
 walked off with some three or four thousand pounds as his 
 own share of the spoil. 
 
 Up I got, and there was at the same time a general move 
 from the table. Polished attendants offered me every sort 
 of grateful compound to drink, but I felt neither hunger 
 nor thirst; and as I walked home in the cool air of a 
 summer's morning (beautiful even in Piccadilly !) and 
 smoked my cigar, in the full flush of triumph, I could not 
 help feeling that I had turned over a fresh page in the 
 book, and like the pleasure-palled despot of the East, I had 
 discovered a new source of happiness. Stay ! happiness it 
 could hardly be called : it was excitement — boiling, thrilling 
 excitement. But as I looked on the dappled sky above me, 
 and felt the balmy air of morning breathe upon my cheeks, 
 a purer train of thoughts stole over me ; and I felt that the 
 life I was then leading could hardly be called a happy one. 
 Gradually and insensibly long-past scenes came back. I 
 thought of my merry childhood and my mother's care, 
 never to be replaced in after-life; and even then a true 
 friend at my side might have turned me from the career 
 
 6 
 
50 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 I was pursuing. But no ! Jack's merry face, as he rattled 
 by me in a hansom cab, on his way home to dress for a 
 field-day (sleep, I believe, he never indulged in), broke up 
 my reveries, and I laid my head on my pillow, half pleased, 
 half remorseful at my evening's amusement; and thus 
 ended my first night at Crocky's 
 
CHAPTER Vn 
 
 ASCOT AND ITS CONSEQUENCES 
 
 FaUtaff.—UasiBi Shallow, I owe you a, thousand pounds. 
 
 Shallow.— Ay, marry, Sir John, which I beseech you to let me have 
 home with me. » * * I beseech you, good Sir 
 
 John, let me have five hundred of my thousand. 
 
 King Henry the Fifth. 
 
 Can anything be more enjoyable than glorious Ascot, in 
 the beautiful weather which our much calumniated climate 
 vouchsafes only to the June meeting on that sunny heath ? 
 The three fine days and the thunder-storm supposed to 
 constitute an English summer, invariably include the 
 " Cup-day ; " and, wonderful to say, I have Imown it so hot 
 during the races as to make the deluge with which they 
 concluded really welcome to the sun-dried sportsmen. To 
 a calculating mind, not immersed in the intricate com- 
 putation of "the odds," there must be something 
 positively awful in the quantity of soda-water, claret-cup, 
 " Badminton," and other anti-febrile liquids consumed 
 between the Tuesday and Friday of that eventful week 
 which so often determines this knotty point in the 
 speculator's mind — ^whether, having retrieved the losses 
 that "hit him so hard" at Epsom, he shall proceed, 
 rejoicing in his hazardous career, to woo Fortune during 
 an interminable series of meetings, including Liverpool, 
 Goodwood, and all the gatherings at Newmarket, in the 
 fall triumph of success ; or whether, adopting the consoling 
 and generally-recognised principle that 
 
 " He who bets, and runs away, 
 If he loses, needn't pay," 
 a 
 
52 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 he shall take wing, to restore his health and recruit his 
 finances, in the placid recreations of a German watering- 
 place, where, as he cultivates a pair of dirt-coloured 
 moustaches, he may reflect on the close-shaved appearance 
 of his creditors at the Comer, doomed to pay, but not 
 receive; an awkward arrangement with a man who 
 considers "no bet can be called so until hedged," and 
 who, like honest Shallow, would be too happy to compound 
 for " five hundred out of his thousand." 
 
 But little did I think of all these weighty considerations 
 as I found myself, some five or six weeks after my debut at 
 Crockford's, which I have already mentioned, inhaling the 
 fragrant atmosphere of a bright June morning on princely 
 Ascot Heath. My costume adapted to the weather, my 
 neckcloth loose and my boots easy, with a good conscience, 
 and a balance at my banker's, what more could be wanting 
 to youth and health for the rapturous enjoyment of the 
 exciting present? I am bound to confess that I ex- 
 perienced an occasional twinge concerning the future, but 
 only as regarded " my book," an appendage with a metallic 
 pencil which I had lately set up, and whose cabalistic page 
 assured me, on reference, that I had better not have backed 
 " Deceiver " at two to one, and " Hideboimd " at evens 
 for the " Femhill," seeing that the former was scratched, 
 and the latter had most unaccountably retreated to the 
 meanest of outside prices. However, I had plenty of 
 other bets on the same event, and with that dubious 
 consolation I made my mind easy. 
 
 The most comfortable way of " doing Ascot " is to take 
 a villa somewhere in the neighbourhood, many of which 
 are to be rented during the meeting, at reasonable prices 
 for a race week. As Jack Rafifleton says, " all enjoyment 
 is cheap at a pound a minute ; " and the way he works out 
 his problem is ingenious enough : — " Fewer people have 
 been ruined by fox-hunting than most other sporting 
 pursuits ; ergo, a man who hunts saves money. If you 
 calculate the runs you see during a season, you will find a 
 pound a minute rather below the mark in your expenses ; 
 ergo, a man who lives at that rate must be a most 
 economical personage." On this principle my Mend 
 Bloomsbury (a friend of some three weeks' standing — I 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 63 
 
 was introduced to him on a drag at Epsom), Mr. Sharpes 
 (his working partner in a wine concern, whose locale I 
 could never distinctly make out), young Plantagenet Cripps 
 (of the eminent firm of " Cripps, Martin and Co.," whose 
 share in the business appeared to be spending the profits), 
 and myself, agreed to take a small, well-fujnished, and 
 picturesque cottage, with French windows, and " con- 
 vcmient," as they say in Ireland, to the Heath. Having 
 stored this residence with an excellent commissariat, and 
 an unlimited supply of Bloomsbury's famous '34 (a 
 decoction of hermitage and liquorice), we entered upon our 
 four days' residence with great satisfaction ; and, in order 
 to have as little as possible for our money, had agreed to 
 come down the first day, and go back to London on the 
 last. Jack Eaffleton was quartered at Windsor ; and, 
 having breakfasted with his battalion at the barracks, 
 Plantagenet Cripps and myself had the advantage of 
 getting to the Heath on the outside of a drag, inhabitated 
 by a very pleasant lot of Guardsmen, and coached by one 
 of their number, whose predilection for what is termed 
 " fancy driving " was the only drawback to his performance. 
 This arrangement, I confess, origiaated in the fertile brain 
 of young Cripps, whose adoration for " the military " was 
 unbounded, and whose day-dream, never to be realised, 
 was the achievement of a commission in the Grenadiers ; 
 which, for an individual not on the list, turned six-and- 
 twenty, and standing an honest five-feet-two in his 
 " brodequins," seemed a project as unlikely as it would 
 have been inappropriate. Inside the drag, to keep their 
 " collars " and " bosoms " fi-ee from dust, were a couple of 
 Yankees, landed only the day before at Portsmouth, and 
 whose knowledge of English scenery and English climate, 
 or, as they termed it, " British clearins " and a "British 
 having," was limited to the deep blue sky above us, and 
 the stately vistas of Windsor's magnificent forest. 
 
 I was amused at the unblushing manner in which a 
 young ensign, very lately castigated by Dr. Hawtry, was 
 lionising the Kepublicans, assuring them, in reply to their 
 many questions concerning our summer and our country, 
 that we called this the " cool " season ; that it lasted eight 
 months out of the twelve ; and that, with the exception of 
 
64 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 our manufacturing towns and sea-coasts, the whole of Great 
 Britain consisted of such giant oaks and verdant lawns 
 as were now stretching away on either side of us. On 
 arriving at the course, the younger American — a peculiarly 
 sallow gentleman, with turn-down collars — was most 
 anxious to know why so many carriages containing the 
 fair sex should be ranged on either side of the course ; his 
 " Cicerone," with the mischievous spirit of a schoolboy, 
 informing him that the aristocracy, gentry, and respectables 
 were placed as near as possible to the Stand, while 
 those facing that edifice were somewhat less particular in 
 their notions of etiquette, and were sufficiently liberal to 
 allow of their acquaintance being made without much 
 unnecessary form or ceremony. A mistake which might 
 have produced such disagreeable consequences was very 
 properly set right, and the wag severely rebuked by a 
 gentlemanlike elderly man, one of the colonels in the 
 regiment, who, however, could not conceal a smile at the 
 conceit which he demolished. After several hair-breadth 
 scapes, and a great deal of getting down on the part of the 
 " militaire," who officiated as " shoot," we arrived on the 
 Heath, with the loss of but one bottle of light claret, which, 
 having been broken and absorbed in the contents of a 
 pigeon pie, was voted rather an improvement than other- 
 wise. The first person I met on the course was Jack 
 Eaffleton, who had cantered over from the barracks early 
 in the morning, on a most mysterious expedition, to meet 
 a sagacious-looking trainer and a couple of dwarfs, con- 
 nected in some way with what people call " a private 
 trial." 
 
 I never had nerve to elbow my way boldly into the ring, 
 and proclaim in a stentorian voice that I would " lay the 
 long odds against Croesus," or, like the great capitalist of 
 the present day, publish my willingness to " lay against 
 anything," which, to my inexperienced eye, presents the 
 most appalling picture of recklessness ; so linking my arm 
 in that of my friend's partner, Mr. Sharpes, I hang on the 
 outskirts of the ring, and am stunned by the ceaseless 
 vociferations for which " business " of this description is 
 remarkable. "I'U lay five ponies to two against Shylock" 
 — " I'll baick the field for a pony " — " Anybody lay against 
 
TILBVMY JSUau 55 
 
 Leviathan ? "— " I'll lay agin Wrath "— " Six hundred to 
 one against Woodpecker " — '• Can't do it, sir " — " Take 
 five"— "What about The Crab?"— "Do it again, 
 Colonel?"— "What name shall I put down?"— "I'll 
 lay against Woodpecker" — "I'll make two against the 
 field "— " I'll lay ten to one against The Crab "— " The 
 field for a pony ! " — &c., &c. Such is the Babel-like 
 confusion ringing in my ears; but ere I have time to 
 marvel at the wonderful hoarseness of "Wrath's" per- 
 severing enemy, a general rush takes place to see the 
 horses saddled, and we are carried away by the stream. 
 On looking at my book, I am shocked to find The Crab 
 now at " ten to one," the horse on whom I stand to win ; 
 and I endeavour in vain to see him stripped and saddled, 
 that I may gather confidence from his appearance. Twice 
 am I nearly kicked by the neatest of plates, which are 
 lashed out with scarcely the warning of one whisk fi-om 
 the thoroughbred tail. Twice are my toes most painfully 
 trodden on by the precipitate retreat of the backing crowd. 
 Long ere I have accomplished my search, the bell rings, 
 the course is cleared, and I am as ignorant as ever of all 
 concerning The Crab, except that he is a chestnut, which 
 is hardly a distinction, seeing that there are four other 
 chestnut horses in the race. However, Sharpes and I take 
 up a convenient position, and prepare for the thrilling sight. 
 The horses canter past, some going remarkably short. 
 I refer to my card, and am gratified to see The Crab looks 
 racing-like all over, and besides, from the orange cap, is 
 easily to be distinguished in the ruck. The noise in the 
 ring is worse than ever, and now, as Sharpes tells me, is 
 my time " to hedge ; " back I rush to the congregated 
 speculators, find I cannot wedge my way in, and determine 
 to stand the shot. 
 
 They're oflf ! The flag's down ! " There they go ! "— 
 " Redcap leading ! " " Woodpecker's coming up ! " " My 
 eyes ! how Nat is forcing the running ! " " Woodpecker 
 wins ! " " Woodpecker's beat ! " " Lord Exeter vrins ! " 
 " The mare wins ! " " Lord Exeter wins ! " The mare ! 
 the mare ! ! What a capital race ! The thrill is over — 
 delightful while it lasted, though somewhat expensive. I 
 cast a glance at the number up, to make sure, and then, 
 
56 TILBUBY JVOffO 
 
 with a little simple arithmetic discover that I have lost 
 £75. Never mind ; it was a slashing race, won by a head, 
 not a length between the first three. I should have done 
 much worse if Shylock had won ; and The Crab ran as 
 honest as the day, and was a good third ! so I draw a long 
 breath, like a man who has been bled, and soothe my 
 excited feelings with a tapering cigar. 
 
 The next being an important race, and having no bets 
 connected with it, Sharpes and myself, accompanied by 
 Bloomsbury, who had won his money, took the opportunity 
 of inspecting " the humours," not the least amusing part of 
 a race-course, and hunting amongst the carriages and in 
 front of the Stand for our friends and acquaintances. 
 " How are you, Bloomsbury? " " Sharpes, my boy ! I'm 
 glad to see you." "Mr. Cotherstone, Mr, Nogo — Mr. 
 Nogo, Mr. Cotherstone; " and with this introduction, and 
 the removal of our respective beavers, we are joined by a 
 gentleman, whom at first sight I took to be a clergyman, 
 but who, notwithstanding his clerical appearance, Blooms- 
 bury afterwards informed me was " far from it." Of the 
 middle stature, close shaved, and got up with the most 
 scrupulous neatness, his whole appearance, though Without 
 the slightest pretensions to good looks, was extremely 
 prepossessing. He rejoiced in that prosperous look which 
 white teeth and a fresh complexion invariably produce; 
 and his costume, though not in the least slang — ^in fact, as 
 I have already said, bordering on the ecclesiastical — had 
 that indefinable something which is always associated in 
 my mind with a good horseman ; there was a neatness 
 about his trousers and boots that looked as if he rode in 
 them, and altogether I should have guessed him to be the 
 rector of some remote parish in the midland counties, whose 
 duties were not sufficiently onerous to prevent his hunting 
 three or four times a week, and sailing away amongst the 
 "best of them." 
 
 I quite jumped at his hospitable offer of luncheon in his 
 carriage after the next race, and was picturing to myself 
 the sort of people " Mrs. Cotherstone and her daughter " 
 might be, as he informed us they were on the course, and 
 we should meet them on proceeding to attack his lobster- 
 salad and champagne, when a general rush and separation 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 57 
 
 took place to view the next race, which was a hollow affair, 
 aiid scarcely created any sensation. Not so the event that 
 came off immediately afterwards, and which gives Ascot its 
 pre-eminence over all other meetings whatever: I allude 
 to the arrival of Eoyalty to participate in our favourite 
 national sport. The hrilliant cortige, the well-built 
 carriages and showy horses, the outriders in their scarlet 
 liveries, the then master of the buckhounds, whose lengthy, 
 graceful figure, and perfect seat on horseback, combining 
 the mcm6ge riding of the dragoon with the strength and 
 freedom of the fox-hunter (we beg his pardon — stag-hunter, 
 though we believe the former with him was the earlier 
 creation), obtained its due share of applause. The whole 
 "turn out," so English and gentlemanlike, as well as 
 princely in its appearance ; and then the welcome presence 
 of our fair and gracious Sovereign herself, the most popular 
 Monarch that ever ruled our British realms, with her 
 stalwart consort, and beautiful children — all this together 
 made the heart beat and the eye glisten, as the ear was 
 deafened by the united voices of shouting multitudes. 
 Cheer upon cheer, like the waves of the sea, came rolling 
 onwards, gaining strength and volume as they thundered 
 up the course, till opposite the Grand Stand the enthusiasm 
 was £it its height, and Windsor Castle's stately pile itself, 
 towering afar in the sUent summer-sky, must have trembled 
 to the echo. 
 
 But we proceed to search for the carnage that is to 
 famish us with sustenance, and on the way thither Sharpes 
 volunteered a little information with regard to our new 
 acquaintance. 
 
 There are some people that everybody but oneself seems 
 to know, and of this class was Mr. Cotherstone. He had 
 been at Cambridge, it appears, and studied for "the bar," 
 but was supposed to have been " rusticated," in conse- 
 quence of an affair at whist, out of which none of the party 
 came very creditably; after this he seems to have lived 
 upon his wits, and married on the same provision for his 
 future family, and this patrimony had now lasted him for 
 several years. He had a nice house not very far from 
 Ascot, capital wine, two or three first-rate horses, on 
 which he could " go a good one," and everything else, 
 
58 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 as Sharpes expressed it, " most comfortable," was very 
 popular at all the messes of all the regiments within 
 dining distance, and in short was a " deuced gentlemanlike 
 fellow." All this I extracted as it were on the rack 
 from my informant, Mr. Sharpes being a man of few 
 words, and one who never threw an expression or a chance 
 away. 
 
 Declining all offers from dark-eyed gipsy women, and 
 resisting the entreaties for a remembrance of a pecuniary 
 nature from the host of " Paddies " who knew aH about us 
 in the hunting-field, and hoped to see " our honors " at 
 Hampton, we charged boldly through " the sticks " (at 
 which athletic amusement a noble lord was fast breaking 
 the "bank") ; and finding our entertainer's carriage with 
 some difficulty, performed the usual " salaam," and my 
 introduction coming off successfully, were installed without 
 further ceremony, and made free of the sundry good things 
 we had been promised. I found Plantagenet Cripps com- 
 fortably settled by the side of Miss Cotherstone ; the latter 
 being so taken up with what Plantagenet was pleased to 
 term his small-talk, and which certainly was of the smallest 
 description, that she hardly vouchsafed an answer to my 
 introductory bow, and turned herself so completely away 
 that I was forced to be content with the contemplation of 
 her bonnet, through whose transparency I could perceive 
 she rejoiced in long and glossy locks of the raven's hue. 
 But little time had I for anything but Mrs. Cotherstone, a 
 middle-aged lady, with an eye like a hawk, and a " front " 
 coming low down upon her forehead. I am always a little 
 nervous with old ladies, and had no slight difficulty in 
 parrying the host of questions with which I was plied on 
 this occasion. " Been fortunate in your speculations, Mr. 
 Nogo ? Come down from London this morning ? Choked 
 with dust ; beautiful drive through Windsor Forest ; and 
 what do you think of Virginia Water? Queen looking 
 uncommonly well, and the dear children. Bore going back 
 to town after the races — makes one so late at dinner." 
 
 I here contrived to edge in a word, and had got as far 
 as " Bloomsbury and I have taken a villa," when she broke 
 in again with — "Charming person Mr. Bloomsbury; so 
 gentlemanlike!" (I thought "well!") — "so agreeable! 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 59 
 
 an old Mend of ours ; had a capital day as yet, won £700. 
 Mr. Cotherstone always so unlucky : only bets in half- 
 crowns, but never wins. Hope we shall become better 
 acquainted, Mr. Nogo ; trust you will come and dine with 
 us before you leave Ascot. Have some more lobster-salad ? — 
 thank you — champagne — ." And with this running fire 
 we passed the time till the father of the family made his 
 appearance, linked arm-in-arm with Bloomsbury, and look- 
 ing, with all his calmness, uncommonly like a man who, 
 however much he might have been losing in half-crowns 
 during the morning, had evidently been winning in 
 hundreds. 
 
 This arrival made a slight diversion in my favour; 
 Bloomsbury immediately taking the elder lady off my 
 hands, and entering upon a brisk and chatty flirtation with 
 his old friend. I remarked Bloomsbury's, wig was exactly 
 the colour of Mrs. Cotherstone's. I suspect they both 
 patronised one of those advertising emporiums which 
 profess to supply " mustachios, whiskers, eyebrows, and," 
 above all, " that grand desideratum, a fine head of hair ! " 
 The patriarch of the family, who looked twenty years 
 younger than his fatter half, had some mysterious informa- 
 tion to convey to Cripps, for which purpose he took that 
 diminutive dandy aside for a long conversation, in which 
 the words "broke down," "coughing," and "not worth a 
 row of gingerbread," were more than once overheard. All 
 these arrangements left me a clear field with the young 
 lady ; and champagne, under a midsummer's sun, having 
 pretty well overcome my natural timidity of dispositioji, I 
 assumed the vacant seat by her side, and proceeded to go 
 ahead. As the bright eyes which I now saw for the first 
 time had a good deal of influence on my movements during 
 the ensuing season, I may be allowed to indulge in a faint 
 sketch of their seductive owner. 
 
 Kate Cotherstone was a young lady peculiarly adapted 
 by nature to the part which I learnt, in time, she had been 
 sedulously instructed to perform. With a short and neat 
 figure, that looked enchanting on horseback, she combined 
 a most piquante and joyous expression of countenance, set 
 off by beautiftd teeth, in a rather large mouth, jet black 
 hair always " done " to perfection, and a fresh healthy 
 
60 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 colour without being " blowsy." Her eyes, of a very light 
 gray, and with a cunning and malicious expression, were 
 her worst feature ; but then such long black eyelashes and 
 arching eyebrows would have made amends for a squint 
 itself. She rejoiced in such a foot and anlde as our native 
 soil does not often produce; and, need I add, that she 
 could dance too well for a lady. Young Sabretasche, of the 
 — th Hussars, swears he once waltzed with her for five- 
 and-thirty minutes; and, as that polished young warrior 
 expresses it, she was not "half-beat at the finish." Her 
 other accomplishments I may sum up in a few words. I 
 have seldom met any one who could ride so well, play and 
 sing better, or draw half such good caricatures ; she always 
 held a capital hand at whist, which she played most 
 judiciously ; and I have known her, in the free and 
 nautical regions of Cowes, to inhale the pleasing narcotic 
 of a mild cigar ! 
 
 My recollections of that heavenly day at Ascot are one 
 whirl of blue sky, racing, shouting, champagne, and Kate 
 Cotherstone. I was fairly hooked before I had sat with 
 her for half an hour. We voted the open carriage the only 
 place to see the races from ; we pored together over my book, 
 whose figures my fair adviser appeared perfectly to com- 
 prehend ; we rushed headlong into a half-sovereign lottery, 
 which Mrs. C. won, as she said, "quite providentially"; 
 we arranged a ride to Virginia Water on the worst day's 
 racing, and a pic-nic in the forest for the following week. 
 Once I descended from my perch, and proceeded boldly 
 into the ring to back " Here-I-go-with-my -tail-on," because 
 she thought it such a darling name ; on which occasion I 
 lost " a pony " to Papa, which it afterwards occurred to 
 me I might have done as easily from the carriage. Then 
 I wagered a pair of gloves with my enslaver ; and, losing of 
 course, had to request the loan of one of the pretty little 
 white kids, that clung so lovingly to that tapering hand, 
 that "I might make no mistake about the size." Under 
 the most sacred promises of a speedy restitution, this was 
 at last granted ; and I was in the act of placing the late- 
 won treasure next my heart, inside my waistcoat, when the 
 effect of my chivalrous and devoted action was much spoilt 
 by the consciousness that I was watched by Bloomsbury 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 61 
 
 and Co., Plantagenet Cripps (confound him), and Jack 
 RaflSeton, who was to dine with us — the whole four excusing 
 this disgraceful espionage by the pretence that they were 
 waiting to accompany me home to our villa, the races being 
 over. Heavens, so they were ! I blushed up to the rim of 
 my white hat, crammed the glove into my coat pocket, bid 
 Miss Cotherstone a most confused '< Good morning," 
 stammered out an unintelligible acceptance of Mamma's 
 hospitable invitation to " dine with them to-morrow not 
 later than a quarter before eight ; " and joining my 
 quizzing associates, was much discomfited by Jack's very 
 disagreeable remark, that " Nogo's hit very hard ; got it 
 just under the wing, and likely to prove a bad case ! " 
 
CHAPTER Vm 
 
 ASCOT AND ITS CONSEQUENCES 
 
 Benedick. — Suffer love. A good epithet 1 
 
 I do suffer love indeed, for I love thee against my will. 
 
 Miuih Ado about Nothing, 
 
 Otje dinner-party at the villa, as we called it par excellence, 
 consisted of Bloomsbury, Sharpes, Cripps, and myself, with 
 the addition of Jack Raffleton, whose good humour and 
 good spirits enlivened us considerably. Many a sly hit 
 and inuendo were pointed at my devoted head, and the 
 most sacred feelings of my bosom (all arisen since morning) 
 appeared to these worldly spirits only to furnish an endless 
 subject for bad puns and impertinent remarks. 
 
 " Nogo ! let's go to the Windsor ball to-morrow night ; 
 there's always a good ball during Ascot week. All the 
 First will be there, and we shall have some fan," said 
 Bloomsbury, heating an already much inflamed countenance 
 with a third bumper of his own most execrable champagne. 
 Why is it that a wine-merchant should always think it 
 necessary to consume his wares in such profusion ? The 
 sorcerer imbibes not the philtre of his own compounding, 
 and the apothecary most religiously eschews the mixture 
 he has himself made up. "Besides," added Bloomsbury, 
 smacking his great lips with a relish that could hardly be 
 feigned, " we shall have all the people who live about here, 
 and Mrs. Cotherstone made me promise to bring some 
 dancing men." 
 
 " Nogo ! a glass of wine ! " *' Nogo ! your good heath ! " 
 " Nogo ! you^ go ! " — the latter from Jack Raffleton — 
 burst upon my tingling ears. I blushed. How could I 
 
TILBUBT NOaO 63 
 
 help it? I swore I hated balls, and never danced — did 
 not think I should go. Heaven forgive me ! I had 
 promised her that very afternoon that nothing earthly 
 should prevent my being at the ball and claiming her 
 hand for the very first waltz. In short I was over head 
 and ears in love; and the whole of that glorious June 
 evening, despite of a most elaborate dinner, despite of the 
 rallying of my companions, despite of the many bumpers 
 of claret, so grateful to the throat parched and fevered with 
 the excitement of a day's racing in that tropical weather — 
 despite of all, I sat as one entranced. I saw, heard, felt 
 notiiuig but Kate Cotherstone. I ate strawberries; but 
 their fragrance only reminded me of winding paths through 
 gardens of roses, and I thought of the bliss of an evening 
 stroll with Kate Cotherstone. The ruby wine sparkled in 
 my thin crystal goblet, and bore my spirit on its blushing 
 wave to the clustering vineyards of sunny France, the 
 joyous region of Bordeaux (an imaginary district, which, if 
 truth must be told, the innocent liquor before me had never 
 visited), and I thought what a paradise it would be with 
 Kate Cotherstone ! 
 
 Heedless of the chat and merriment of my companions, 
 I looked through the French windows, thrown open down 
 to the groimd to catch the faintest sigh of the summer's 
 evening breeze ; I gazed on the sloping lawn, the darkening 
 woods, the last faint blush of sunset fading into that in- 
 describable clear transparent hue, which of all the gems of 
 earth the opal alone can strive to imitate ; and I thought 
 of Kate Cotherstone. How I treasured up every syllable 
 we had interchanged during the day ! how I twisted and 
 tortured every word she had uttered, to discover some 
 hidden meaning of approbation or encouragement. How I 
 thought of what she might have said, and what I ought to 
 have said! — how I speculated on the possibility of her 
 affections being disengaged; and made the boldest 
 resolution of declaring my attachment, and distancing all 
 competitors ! In short, the ideas and improbabilities that 
 succeeded each other through my brain can only be con- 
 ceived by those whose youthftd fancies have been, like 
 mine, the sport of a wayward and uncontrolled imagination. 
 I was a fool ; I think I knew it, and yet I was a happy 
 
64 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 one. The evening wore on ; the last, positively the last of 
 a series, every one of which had in turn been called "just 
 another bottle," had been drained. Midnight approached, 
 and coffee and candles made their joint appearance, when 
 a suggestion from Sharpes, I believe the first he had made 
 that evening, with regard to broiled bones, produced a 
 simultaneous demand for the backgammon board, not for 
 the purpose of indulging in that innocent recreation of the 
 elderly, but in order to bring into play quite a different sort 
 of " bones " from those for which Sharpes had asked. 
 
 " A little chicken? " said Jack Raffleton, parodying the 
 lines of Lady Mary Wortley Montagu — 
 
 " And when the dull hours of the public are past, 
 We meet with champagne and some chicken at last," 
 
 " Chicken, by ^11 means," shouted Cripps. 
 
 "What do you say to ' Vingt-John ' ? " hiccuped 
 Bloomsbury, overcome, like some Bacchanalian wizard, 
 by the spirit he had himself conjured up. 
 
 "Not enough for a round game was the unanimous 
 reply ; and chicken-hazard was voted the only pastime 
 for the small hours of morning. We sat down to play 
 adcordingly ; and a glorious summer sun had risen for two 
 hours when I sought my couch, jaded and headachy under 
 the combined influence of noise, excitement, and cigar- 
 smoke. The never-ceasing rattle and bang of the dice-box, 
 as it circulated with varying fortune from hand to hand in 
 our small party, might have deafened less sensitive ears 
 than mine : and the paltry gain of " a pony " was hardly 
 an equivalent for a feverish night and seedy morning. 
 
 Let me pass over the following day's racing and the 
 usual repetition of betting, luncheon, gain and loss — like 
 all repetitions, somewhat flat, stale, and most decidedly 
 unprofitable. The gloss of novelty soon wears off; and 
 excitement must be kept continually increasing, or it 
 ceases to deserve the name. The horses ran or were 
 pulled, the odds were laid or were taken, the people 
 shouted, and the sun shone, but it was all a blank to me. 
 What was Ascot and its glories — ^what was champagne and 
 lobster-salad? There was no Kate Cotherstone, and I 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 65 
 
 loathed the smiling summer's day. There was her father, 
 however, the Rev. Mr. Cotherstone, as I could hardly help 
 calling him — he looked so like a clergyman. There he 
 was, clean, fresh, and healthy as usual, making innumer- 
 ahle entries in a large betting-hook, with unvarying 
 urbanity. Some intuitive knowledge of racing he must 
 certainly have possessed. When he laid against Don 
 Caesar de Bazan, down went that herring-shaped animal 
 to zero; when he took the odds about the "Odalisque 
 colt," up came the nameless flyer to "par." And he 
 assured me with an unblushing countenance that he was 
 " merely booking a few trifling bets for a friend " — making 
 a small fortune for the best friend he ever had, would have 
 been nearer the mark. I stammered out an inquiry after 
 his daughter, and my heart leaped when he told me she 
 was " only keeping fresh for the ball." Ah ! that ball ! 
 How I looked forward to it ; and how glad I was when a 
 general move from the course enabled me to get home to 
 dress for a dinner at the Cavalry Barracks, previous to the 
 anticipated gaieties of the evening ! 
 
 Any man not in love must have enjoyed the merriment, 
 fun, and good-humour which reigned paramount at the 
 mess of our military entertainers. The party was certainly 
 numerous; but all the material belonging to a mess is 
 calculated for any number of visitors, and confusion is 
 banished from the arrangements of the dinner-table as 
 sedulously as from the evolutions of the field. No other 
 description of entertainment is so generally agreeable as a 
 mess dinner ; there is all the variety of a large party with- 
 out its formality — all the ease of a family circle without its 
 occasional dulness. Of course our conversation turned 
 much upon racing, as was natural in a party gathered 
 together for the enjoyment of that sport; but literature, 
 painting, and music, with an occasional dash of the old 
 staple subject of fox-hunting, or perhaps I should rather 
 say riding across a country, had each their turn ; and had 
 I not been so anxious to get in good time to the ball, I 
 should have been loath to leave such excellent claret, and 
 BO many agreeable companions. Eesisting many kind 
 invitations to stay and smoke "a capital cigar," I got 
 nervously into the fly which I had ordered to be in readi- 
 
 6 
 
66 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 ness for me, and proceeded to the ball-room in a state of 
 comparative lunacy. 
 
 To the observing mind a country ball presents many 
 more objects for study and examination than does the 
 regular stereotyped pattern which makes a London party ; 
 there are more peculiarities to be admired, more in- 
 dividuality in the characters, and certainly, towards the 
 close of the evening, more enjoyment and freedom, to make 
 up for the greater stiffness and formality with which these 
 rural gaieties iavariably commence. The musicians, too, 
 are of quite a different species from their brother-followers 
 of Orpheus in the metropolis; they go to sleep more 
 readily, appear to enjoy more tranquil slumbers, and 
 when ia that state play with a correctness that is quite 
 surprising. I have remarked that the harp is an instrument 
 which yields its sweetest tones to the touch of a performer 
 more than half asleep ; and the minstrel who evokes its 
 ringing sounds, with closed eyes and drooping head, only 
 wakes when startled by the sudden cessation of his noisy 
 companions during the pause that gives the fair waltzer 
 breath to begin a fresh round of hard labour to the stunning 
 accompaniment of the Eow Polka. 
 
 I was one of the first arrivals, and had ample time, 
 whilst drawing on my kid gloves, to observe the desolate 
 appearance of an unfilled ball-room, with the musicians 
 huddled up in their corner, and the only fellow-sufferers of 
 my undue punctuality crowding round the empty fire-place, 
 which doubtless they would have done had there been a 
 blaze to roast a,n ox, though the thermometer the whole of 
 that day must have marked 80 in the shade. 
 
 Never greyhound, straining in the slips, watched more 
 eagerly than did I for the engrossing pursuit I had in view. 
 As with longing eyes I gazed upon the doorway, I had an 
 opportunity of remarking the oddities of the several strange- 
 looking individuals who made an early appearance on the 
 scene — ^men in quaiutly-oonstructed garments, bearing the 
 freshest gloss of novelty, with coats too tight and gloves 
 a world too wide, waistcoats of gorgeous rainbow hues, and 
 "continuations" which "Herr Cahan," of Anaxyridian 
 fame, would have swooned to contemplate. Truth to tell, 
 their fair companions had not so disfigured themselves, 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 67 
 
 althongh I distinctly perceived an unsightly opening in 
 the ball-dress of one damsel, at that critical place where 
 the graceful folds of a descending skirt spring from the 
 tightest portion of a lady's figure. Later in the evening, 
 as we watched the gentle figwcmte, still "all agape," 
 through the mazy evolutions of a quadrille, Shabrac of the 
 Life Guards whispered to me that he thought her "tail 
 was devilish bad set on." However, many of the rustic 
 beauties, despite the want of a London dressmaker, and 
 the inconvenience of one maid amongst five sisters, were 
 really very lovely ; and I could not help thinking that, if 
 the coiffmes were less glossy, and the gloves and satin 
 shoes less shapely, than those I had been accustomed to 
 admire in corresponding scenes in the metropolis, still the 
 blooming roses and sparkling eyes of these rural dUbutcmtes 
 were a pleasing exchange for the pale, wan hues and listless 
 languor of a London girl. 
 
 But the room gets more and more crowded, and the polka 
 generates its accustomed fray. Pre-occupied as I am, I 
 cannot help being amused as I watch the motley crowd. 
 Couples of all sorts and sizes ; dancers of eVeyy style, from 
 young Graceless of the Guards, and Miss Wideawake, 
 swimming smoothly round in masterly abandon (she is ten 
 years older than her partner, and Jack Eaffleton says he'll 
 bet five to two she hooks him), from that high-bred, 
 easy-looking couple, to their next neighbours — a very 
 badly-dressed gentleman, in a profuse perspiration, with a 
 countenance like the "dancing faun," who, furious with 
 haste, and regardless of time and tune, is hustling that fat, 
 fair, dowdy damsel along at a pace it needs no prophet to 
 tell must be too good to last. See, they bump against yon 
 elderly young lady in yellow, who, with projecting shoulder- 
 blades, and all her remaining hair pfled in a wondrous 
 superstructure on the top of her venerable head, is 
 cautiously steering through the intricacies of the dance 
 her unfledged partner, a small, sHght youth, just promoted 
 to his first tail-coat, la vain — aU motherly though the 
 care she takes of him be, she shall not save h im from his 
 fate. He is knocked ruthlessly out of her hands by the 
 " dancing faun ; " and the aggressor, tripping over one of 
 his own enormous feet, ricochets back amongst the crowd 
 
68 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 of dancers, and, with a bump that makes the sitting 
 chaperones nod again, comes headlong to the floor, drag- 
 ging with him, in his precipitate discomfiture, his poor, 
 pale, panting partner. Miss Wideawake looks up at young 
 Graceless with such a smile. Poor boy! hereafter shall 
 those haunting eyes look through you in many a morning 
 dream in your lonely barrack-room. The music stops for 
 an instant, but soon resumes the exhilarating air ; and as 
 I turn my head from the prostrate couple, I see that Mrs. 
 and Miss Cotherstone have just made their appearance in 
 the doorway. Need I dwell on our greeting? Need I 
 dwell on our first dance ? I never was much of a waltzer, 
 at the best of times ; but Kate's deux-temps was the most 
 perfect thing that ever twinkled round a floor, and she 
 "put me along," as Jack Eaffleton afterwards described 
 it, "in the best form going." How the minutes flew! 
 how soon the Valse d'Amoivr — that dreamy, heavenly 
 melody — came to its close! "Did not Miss Cotherstone 
 fipd it very hot? Would she not like some tea?" 
 "Thank you; if you please," with a glance that went 
 through me; and I could almost fancy a slight, nearly 
 imperceptible pressure of the arm I was so pleased to offer. 
 All flirtations, I suppose, are the same — like " cockamaroo," 
 or any other game adapted only for two people, however 
 engrossing they may be to the players, they are somewhat 
 dull to the lookers-on, and will not bear repetition at all. 
 The whole of that night I was like a man in a dream. 
 Once she made me very angry by leaving me planted with 
 mamma, whilst she not only waltzed, but likewise retired 
 to a sort of " cooling room," with Le Beau of the "Tenth," 
 a goo^-looking, flashy sort of fellow, that I did not at all 
 fancy. But how could I bear any malice, when, on her 
 return to the maternal wing, about which I was still 
 hovering, she gave me a rosebud out of her bouquet, and 
 asked me if I understood " the language of flowers ? " Not 
 I ; but I thought I knew what that meant in any language. 
 Dear, dear 1 notwithstanding all that is gone and past, I 
 have got that withered rosebud still. 
 
 I must confess that I deserved some remuneration for 
 being left alone with Mrs. C. Her morning volubility, at 
 all times most formidable, was now increased to a perfect 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 69 
 
 torrent of small-talk, and accompanied by a slight hesitation 
 and thickness of speech, which the uncharitable might 
 attribute to " her medical man recommending port wine." 
 Besides, her appearance in a ball-room was, to say the 
 least of it, somewhat marked ; as a stout, florid lady, in a 
 red velvet dress and gorgeous jewellery, adorned with a 
 very rubicund face, and farther decorated by an exceedingly 
 low front, and equally high turban, can scarcely hope in 
 these days to escape observation — and such was the tout 
 ensemble of Mrs. Cotherstone. 
 
 Many and reiterated were the injunctions that I should 
 not forget to dine with them on the morrow. " Mr. 
 Cotherstone will be so happy to see you," said the 
 hospitable lady; "and I am sure you will like our little 
 house so much. No pretension, Mr. Nogo. As I say to 
 Mr. C, says I, don't let's have pretension, but everything 
 conformable — ^I mean comfortable. Mr. C. would have 
 been here to-night, but he never goes to balls — don't like 
 sitting up so late. He's a quiet, domestic man, my 
 husband, Mr. Nogo" (I happen to know he was at that 
 moment playing rovlette next door), " ' early to bed and 
 early to rise ; ' and what a blessing that is ! As I say to 
 Kate — Kate, says I, if ever you marry (you'll excuse a 
 mother's feelings, Mr. Nogo), many a domestic man, 
 Kate : for what says the poet ? I forget at this moment 
 what he does say; but I daresay you remember, Mr. 
 Nogo, and so — Thank you; a little port-wine negus, if 
 you please." And all this I endured for the sake of Kate 
 Cotherstone, and thought myself richly rewarded when 
 cloaking and shawhng-time came, and as I enveloped her 
 lovely form in the softest cashmere, and gave her my arm 
 to conduct her to the carriage, she whispered her " Good 
 night ! " in those thrilling accents which none knew better 
 how to modulate. " We shall be sure to meet to-morrow 
 — Oh, yes, I have got the gloves, and will never, never 
 part with them." 
 
 A happier man than I never smoked a cigar, as, driving 
 back through the perfume-laden air of a June midnight, I 
 listened to the nightingale warbling in the deep, dark 
 glades of Windsor's stately forest, and looked upward at 
 the benignant moon shedding her silver radiance over all 
 the sununer night. 
 
70 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 The following evening found me stepping out of my fly 
 at Mr. Cotherstone's door, at a quarter to eight punctually. 
 Another day's racing was concluded; and in my new 
 character of a domestic man, which I had now resolved to 
 adopt, I had carefully eschewed the betting-ring and all its 
 vicissitudes. Besides a ten-pound note on " The Cup," I 
 had not risked a shilling all day; and I rather con- 
 gratulated myself on this decided improvement in my 
 moral character. " What will not woman's sweet influence 
 bring out? " I thought, as I drove up to Mr. Cotherstone's 
 door, through a sort of half-shrubbery and half-garden, 
 studded with evergreens and fragrant with roses. Nothing 
 could be prettier than the house and grounds — the former 
 a long, low building, standing so white and level on its 
 smoothly-shaven lawn, with French windows opening in 
 every direction on the well-kept flower-garden, now, in all 
 its midsummer beauty, from whence winding gravel-walks, 
 with heavy borders of box, allured you into the picturesque 
 and luxuriant shrubberies, whose dwarfish proportions 
 formed a pleasing contrast, shut in as they were by the 
 noble oaks of Windsor Forest, which completed the picture. 
 There was no smell of dinner in the hall as I entered; 
 and a respectably rotund servant out of livery divested 
 me of my paletot, whUst a foreign-looking individual — 
 probably thp valet — hovered about to assist him. On the 
 right of a tasteful staircase with carved oak balustrades, a 
 door was thrown widely open ; and " Mr. Nogo ! " shouted 
 in a stentorian voice by my fat friend, ushered me into the 
 drawing-rooms and the presence of my enslaver. I was 
 the latest arrival; and, as everything was done in that 
 house in the most agreeable manner, I had hardly time to 
 shake hands with Mr. and Mrs. Cotherstone, and exchange 
 glances with their daughter, when dinner was announced, 
 and the party pairing rapidly off, foiled me in a plan I had 
 meditated for securing the society of my ladye-love, so that 
 I found myself bringing up the rear, in the post of honour, 
 with my flourishing hostess, who seemed to take exclusive 
 possession of me, and treat me at once like a son. 
 
 It was not until seated at a well-appointed round table, in 
 a brilliantly-lighted and extremely pretty dining-room, that 
 I had time to look about me and reconnoitre the party I had 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 71 
 
 been asked to meet. We were eigM in all ; and, with the 
 exception of myself, the guests appeared to be intimately 
 acquainted with each other. On my left was a dashing-looking 
 lady, certainly not very young, but showing the remains of 
 great beauty, with a pair of piercing black eyes, whose 
 brilliancy was enhanced by a ju^cious touch of rouge towards 
 the cheek-bone, and to whom I was introduced as Mrs. 
 O'Cleverly ; her husband — a dark, forbidding-looking man, 
 who was called " Major," — being nearly opposite. Kate was 
 nearer Papa ; and my view of her was somewhat obscured by 
 the curly brown head and stupendous whiskers, mustachios, 
 &c., of a Count Favoris, an extremely good-looking foreigner, 
 who paid her, I thought, much unnecessary attention, and 
 who doubtless would have been still more agreeable, as well 
 as intelligible, had he spoken the English language less 
 entirely from ear. Next to him came my friend Sharpes, 
 who had been obliged to be in London all that day, and 
 had stopped to dinner with Mr. Cotherstone on his way 
 back to our joint abode. A. place had been laid for Mr, 
 MacBullion, of Discount-villas, Eegent's-park, and the Stock 
 Exchange, whose name it struck me I had heard somewhere ; 
 but he never made his appearance. Dinner progressed 
 prosperously. Mrs. O'Cleverly and I became great friends, 
 and her husband drank " woine " with me, in a strong Irish 
 accent, with the greatest condescension. This ceremony — 
 finding, I presume, the liquor to his taste — ^he repeated more 
 than once. The champagne being excellent (certainly not 
 from the firm of Bloomsbury, Sharpes, & Co.), we all soon 
 became on the most sociable terms ; and the deference with 
 which I was treated by my agreeable entertainer and his 
 guests, and to which, in the company of Jack Raffleton and 
 my own friends, I was totally unaccustomed, was as pleasing 
 as it was unexpected. Cotherstone was a most agreeable 
 man, vrith a fund of small-talk and anecdote which was 
 invaluable at a dinner-party. Then the whole thing was so 
 exceedingly well done, and the discipline of the servants was 
 so perfect, that not the slightest mistake or contretemps of any 
 kind could occur to spoil the effect of the performance. I 
 believe Mrs. Cotherstone deserved the credit of drilling the 
 domestics, and was fond of the occupation. In after-days, 
 when a great deal that had before been inexplicable was made 
 
72 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 clear to me, Jack Bafi9eton told me an anecdote that strongly 
 exemplified the quaint good-humour of my former host. He 
 and Jack were sitting after breakfast in the library, immersed 
 in the computation of a money transaction in which they 
 were jointly engaged, when the footman, in putting coals on 
 the fire, by some unlucky movement brought down fender 
 and fire-irons with an alarum that might have wakened the 
 dead. Jack is not a nervous fellow ; but he assured me that 
 the crash was such, he could not repress the oath that rose to 
 his lips. Not so the master of the house. Looking up from 
 the paper on which he was engaged, with the utmost coolness, 
 and keeping his finger on it to mark his place, he thus 
 addressed the astonished domestic: " It is lucky for you, my 
 friend, that your mistress was not in the room, or she would 
 have fetched you such a kick in the rear of your person as 
 you would have remembered to the last day of your life ; " 
 and without further remark resumed the abstruse calculations 
 which had been so rudely interrupted. But dinner was at 
 length over. The ladies departed to the drawing-room ; the 
 claret was done ample justice to ; coffee was announced in the 
 " other room " ; and, as we entered the tasteful drawing-room, 
 our ears were greeted by the harmonious notes of the piano- 
 forte, and our eyes indulged with all the usual arrangements 
 of a properly set-out icarte-taible. 
 
CHAPTER IX 
 
 Ophelia. — What means this, my lord ? 
 
 Hamlet. — Marry, this is miching mallecho ; it means mischief. 
 
 Ophelia. — Belike, this show imports the argument of the play. 
 
 Had I been possessed of the shrewdness of him who had 
 so much method in his madness, the haunted Dane, or eren 
 of poor Ophelia, Hamlet's ill-starred love, I might have 
 suspected that all the show before me in Cotherstone's hijou 
 of a drawing-room imported the argument of very high play 
 indeed, and that sort of play in which the blind goddess 
 was liibely to dispense no equal favours; but youth is 
 naturally unsuspicious : forbid it, heaven, that it should be 
 otherwise ! My objection to the rising generation is, that 
 they know too much; and an Etonian of the present day, in 
 all matters of " nobbling," is able and willing to get the 
 best of his grandfather. Accordingly, I sipped my coffee, 
 and made eyes at Kate Cotherstone, without the slightest 
 feeling of insecurity, and thought myself superlatively happy 
 when I had manoeuvred my person into a vacant chair by 
 her side, to watch her taper fingers plying a mysterious 
 vocation, which ladies denominate " crochet," and the bands 
 of her glossy raven hair throwing off the light with all 
 the sparkle and polish of Count Favoris' jetty boots. I am 
 at a loss for any other simile that would equally convey the 
 idea of intense blackness. We were undisturbed in our 
 delightful Ute-a-tete ; for mamma, reclining in an exceedingly 
 recumbent attitude, on the easiest of all easy chairs, looking 
 like an impersonation of midsummer, and fanning furiously 
 with an instrument formed from some tropical bird's wing, 
 was plying the silent Sharpes with ceaseless questions as 
 to a late bit of London scandal, whilst Mrs. O'Cleverly, 
 looking over a piece of new music, with an amused ex- 
 
74 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 pression of malice in her large black eyes, was watching 
 the impenetrable countenance of the laconic Sharpes, and 
 listening to the quaint answers with which he put off his 
 talkative hostess. Cotherstone was helping Count Favoris 
 to understand the Major's account of an animal he possessed, 
 " A well-lept horse, bedad," and with which it was im- 
 possible to make out what the excited owner wished to do, 
 as he declared a't one moment that nothing should " injuice " 
 him to sell so " accomplished a hunter," and at the next, 
 that the Count should have him for " a hondred pounds, aqual 
 to fourteen stone " ; all which confused particulars his well- 
 bred landlord was translating out of pure Milesian into the 
 colder languages of England and France. 
 
 But Count Favoris finishes his coffee, and asks " Madame 
 Clevare," as he dubs her, for " some ■ song," and she sings 
 what they all call "that beautiful Spanish thing" on the 
 guitar. I do not understand the words, which appear to 
 me to be a repetition of " cachecho, cachecho, cachecho," 
 with a strong thump on the unoffending instrument, and 
 a sound like a hiccup at the end of each stanza ; but I 
 applaud as vigorously as the rest, and venture a whisper 
 to Kate that Mrs. O'Cleverly makes dreadful faces when 
 she sings, upon which she calls me " a satirical creature," 
 and vows she is " getting quite afraid of me," on which I 
 think of saying something tender; but, having nothing 
 ready-coined, I am compelled to hold my tongue. Then 
 Mrs. Cotherstone, who being stout is consequently senti- 
 mental, asks for " When we two parted, in silence and tears." 
 Which melancholy ditty is really well sung by our guitar- 
 playing prima donna, and we are all more or less affected by 
 it, Kate looking down at the point of her little satin shoe 
 vrith an air of becoming dejection that makes her prettier 
 than ever. Then we talk about new music and the opera, 
 and Count Favoris comes out wonderfully, for he is hand- 
 and-glove with the professionals, and dines early with 
 Lablache, and tells us how " the thunderer " rests his score 
 against a claret bottle (an empty one, you maybe sure), and 
 hums through the whole of his part, in those magnificent 
 tones, during his repast, nor leaves out whole scenes, nor 
 substitutes a waggish remark in French, for Donizetti's 
 elaborate conceptions, as is sometimes the case on the stage, 
 
TILBVBY NOaO 75 
 
 when the " maestro " is lazy. And the Count, who is a 
 perfect musician, and endowed with a deep rich voice and 
 exquisite taste, needs little pressing to sing us some beautiful 
 old romans of Berenger's school, and concludes with a 
 Bacchanalian air of more modern date, graced with a constant 
 repetition of the monosyllable " hein," but sang with infinite 
 zest and spirit ; and Kate, who has got a little cold, and is 
 hoarse, is at length prevailed upon " to favour us." 
 
 In vaia had mamma requested " dear Kate " to give us 
 that pretty thing in the " Keine de Cypre," or her favourite 
 air from the "Fille du Eegiment." The young lady persisted 
 in her cold and her refusal, till I said, " I had wished so 
 to hear her sing." " Well, if you wish it, Mr. Nogo, I'll 
 try ; " and she forthwith marched to the pianoforte, and 
 warbled forth the " Blind Man's Bride," till I thought I 
 should have cried. She really sang well, and with a degree 
 of expression such as I have seldom heard. I sat with my 
 eyes riveted on her countenance ; and when she came to the 
 " refrain," " True love can ne'er forget ; dearest, I love thee 
 yet," and looked at me with those piercing eyes that seemed 
 to gaze into my very soul, what wonder that I quite made up 
 my own mind as to who should be the future Mrs. Nogo ? 
 But sentiment must have an end, and perhaps is put to flight 
 by nothing more effectually than that most practical of all 
 games, whist. 
 
 Cotherstone rings the bell ; green tables are put out ; 
 lamps, with green shades, are placed upon them. Cards, 
 counters, &c., are displayed in workmanlike profusion, and 
 we commence the ceremony of " cuttiag-in," the Major and 
 Count Favoris at one table, agaiast Mrs. O'Cleverly and our 
 host. They play what they call "the regular stakes — ^pounds 
 and fives," and enter upon their game in that business-like 
 manner with which the real whist-player pursues his pro- 
 fession. The other quartette, consisting of Sharpes, the two 
 remaining ladies, and myself, form a lighter game, in which 
 the stakes are lower and the conversation allowed to proceed, 
 and I have the delight of Kate Cotherstone for a partner. 
 We played an agreeable rubber, to which nobody seemed 
 to pay much attention ; but it struck me at the time, although 
 I am but an indifferent performer, that my partner never 
 made a mistake. Whatever the card that Hoyle would have 
 
76 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 recommended, that was the card that leapt from her graceful 
 hand. And when, in the changes of the game, she and her 
 mother sat opposite each other, and entered upon the tug of 
 war against Sharpes and myself, they cleaned us out most 
 handsomely, considering the light stakes for which we were 
 contending, and as that silent individual briefly remarked, as 
 he rose from the table, " Good cards — well played ; I lose 
 eight pounds seven and sixpence." 
 
 But the other table is broken up, and enter tray with 
 sandwiches and sherry, and a servant to announce Major 
 O'Cleverly's carriage ; but Mrs. O'Cleverly must go home 
 alone, as the Major means to stay and " smoke a cigar vrith 
 Jack-me-boy," meaning Mr. Cotherstone ; and the lady is put 
 into the carriage, and carefully packed up by the host and 
 Count Favoris, who looks as if he would like very much to 
 attend her during her drive. And we give hand-candlesticks 
 to the others, send them to bed, and adjourn to Mr. Cother- 
 stone's sanctuary, where hot water, all kinds of liquids, cigars, 
 and actually another card table awaits us. Soon is the 
 steaming comfort compounded, and the fragrant smoke- 
 wreath rises from the well-stored produce of the Havanna, 
 and we interchange our ideas upon men and things, under 
 these combined influences, as if we had all known one 
 another for years. 
 
 After a cigar or two, the conversation turns upon whist ; 
 good and bad players — ^the chances and changes of the game 
 — Major A., Hoyle, &c. Favoris hovers, like an unquiet 
 spirit, round the table ; and the Major, in exemplifying some 
 knotty point connected vyith the concluded rubber, discovers 
 that the cards he is dealing are arranged for ecarte. 
 
 " A foine game, sir ! Me brother Cornaylius is the best 
 player now in England." 
 
 The upshot of all this is, that I, Tilbury Nogo, under- 
 standing the science of the game in the sort of way that nine 
 out of every ten unsophisticated English gentlemen do mis- 
 understand it, and, moreover, dazzled and excited by the 
 combined influence of claret, music, wax-lights, and bright 
 eyes — ^to say nothing of cigars, and wonderful whisky-punch, 
 compounded by mine host — sit recklessly down, to pit my 
 unfledged strength, a willing pigeon, against Count Augusta 
 Anatole Jean Louise Favoris, of Burlington-street, London, 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 11 
 
 and the Bois de Boulogne (for aught I know), Paris. I win 
 the first three games off, and scouting the moderate stakes at 
 which we commenced, I boldly accede to the Count's proposal 
 of a pony on the game, and fifty on the rubber, betting on the 
 points ad libitum. 
 
 Of all tempting games that have ruined their thousands of 
 votaries, none, perhaps, with the exception of hazard, has 
 done its 'work more effectually than ScartL It is a trial of 
 skill between man and man, and, as such, brings into play all 
 the feelings of self-love and vanity that have their stronghold 
 in the human breast. Then there is a sufficient degree of 
 chance in the changes of the game to lure on the blind 
 worshipper of Fortune, with the fascinating hope of a run of 
 luck or an unlocked for " coup." Add to this the unlimited 
 nature of stakes, depending on the will of two reckless and 
 desperate gamesters, and the facility of doubling to recover a 
 loss, allowed and perhaps encouraged by the more confident 
 and fortunate player, and it is not to be wondered at that the 
 money lost and won at such a game as this is to be reckoned 
 by tens and hundreds of thousands. 
 
 The Count was a most agreeable person to play with even 
 to a loser. As he smoked his cigar, and displayed his white 
 hands and glittering rings to the greatest advantage, he 
 seemed utterly careless of the issue of those cards which he 
 fingered so adroitly. Always ready to propose, or to allow 
 of his adversary proposing ; always accommodating as to the 
 amount of stakes, and regardless of his reverses, he prattled^ 
 on in his broken English, interrupted only by an occasional 
 scrap from some French song, as though it were a matter of 
 perfect indifference whether he lost or won his hundreds on 
 the game to me, and his ponies and fifties to Mr. Cotherstone 
 or the Major, both of whom backed me now and then, 
 although the latter, on two or three occasions, booked heavy 
 bets against my success, all of which, I regret to say, I lost 
 to him. This is a sort of specimen of the pastime, towards 
 half-past three o'clock in the morning : 
 
 Mr. Nogo (much excited and dishevelled) : "I pro- 
 pose " 
 
 The Count: " Ver g-o-o-o-o-d ; howmanies?" 
 
 Mr. Nogo, looking at his score, now at three, the Count 
 having marked but one in this game : " Four." 
 
78 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 The Count deals them, and, helping himself, ohserves : 
 " I mark ze king." 
 
 Mr. Nogo, having already lost about four hundred, declines 
 to bet any odds, and the game proceeds, the Count winning 
 the odd trick, which makes the antagonists even. 
 
 It is now my deal, and I turn up a diamond. We play our 
 hands rapidly, and I lose the odd trick, but account for it by 
 what my adversary calls a " stupide mistake." I cut to him, 
 and compare the scores. Mine is but three. I have two to 
 get to win. The Count only requires one ; and it is his deal. 
 He bets me two to one. Something prompts me to take it. 
 I feel confident of winning. " Done," I say, " in hundreds. 
 Would you like to back him, Cotherstone? or the Major? " 
 " Yes." They both back him to the tune of fifty pounds 
 a-piece, to give me my revenge. The Count deals, sneezing 
 violently, and making much use of an exquisitely-perfumed 
 handkerchief, and turns up a grinning Mng. My capital 
 melts, like snow before the sunbeam. 
 
 Eeckless and annoyed, I persist in going on. Cother- 
 stone good-naturedly endeavours to dissuade me. "You 
 are out of luck, Nogo," he says: "take my advice, and 
 shut up for to-night." The Major thinks I play a very 
 "foine game; careless, bedad, but uncommon like me 
 brother Comaylius." And, ere I have concluded my 
 evening's amusement, I deliver to the Frenchman a 
 cheque on my London bankers, Flint, Golding, and Co., 
 payable to gelf or bearer the sum of thirteen hundred and 
 fifty pounds, in consideration of which, the accommodating 
 "bearer," pulling out a note-case quaintly embroidered in 
 green and gold, liquidates a balance of a couple of hundreds, 
 which I lose to the Hibernian Major and the smooth Mr. 
 Cotherstone. 
 
 Is it credible that, as I drove home, far fi:om dwelling on 
 my losses, or having my eyes opened through^ the me(£um 
 of my pockets, my thoughts dwelt on nothing but the image 
 of my charming Kate, and the ride I had arranged to take 
 with her the following afternoon, in Windsor Forest ? Nor 
 was it till I had nearly arrived that I remembered I had to 
 bring Sharpes home to our joint abode.. That wily gentle- 
 man had, however, preferred a moonlight walk of a few miles, 
 to the expensive pursuit in which I had been engaged. 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 79 
 
 My servant dispelled the most delightful dream that was 
 ever dreamt by infatuated youth in love, in liquor, or in 
 debt, by bringing in hot water, and cold water, and soda 
 water, and all the necessaries of a dissipated gentleman's 
 toilet, about half-past eleven on the following morning, 
 accompanied by the announcement that Captain Eaffleton 
 had ridden over from the barracks, and wished to see me, 
 if I was up. A quarter of an hour sufficed for the use of 
 bath, razors, and soda-water bottle; and, as I enrolled 
 my glowing frame in the softest of dressing-gowns, Jack's 
 merry face showed itself at my door; and, throwing 
 himself into an easy chair, he questioned me, as I went on 
 with my toilet, on the proceedings of the last few days, and 
 my intentions for the future. " Have a care, Nogo," said 
 he, when I mentioned that afternoon's intended ride with 
 Cotherstone as a reason for my not being able to take 
 an oar with a party of his brother-officers, on a boating 
 • excursion up the river — " Have a care, old fellow, about 
 these Cotherstones. I know very little of them ; but what 
 I do know is rather shady. You may depend upon it this 
 is a regular plant, and these people are making a dead set 
 at you for what they can get. As for the girl, I don't 
 believe there's a vrickeder little devil out ; and I know that 
 she went on with that unfortunate Cripps till she made him 
 a greater fool than nature had already done to her hand. 
 Old Ootherstone's a regular sharper ; and I was told this 
 morning at breakfast, by a- man very likely, to know, that 
 his wife was Lord Loosebrough's housekeeper, or something 
 worse." 
 
 " I must really beg, Eaffleton," I rejoined, in my most 
 stately manner, and in a towering passion at hearing my 
 beloved and her belongmgs spoken of in such a tone, " that 
 you will be good enough to recollect you are abusing people 
 who are personal friends of my own ; and as for anything 
 that may be said of them at your mess-table, I think I 
 know the amount of slander and nonsense that is talked 
 at such gatherings too well, to give a word of credence to 
 anything of the kind ; and I allow no man to abuse my 
 associates, more especially a young lady who " 
 
 Here Jack burst out laughing, and finished my sentence 
 for me in most disrespectful terms. " Who has cooked 
 
80 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 your goose for you, you mean, old fellow. Weil, I am sure 
 I do not wish to offend you, or any of your friends of two 
 days' standing ; but I hear you dined there last night, and 
 I am only curious to know something about your party, and 
 who was there, and what you did." 
 
 " Well, in the first place, there were Mr. and Mrs. 
 Cotherstone." • 
 
 " Hem ! " says Jack. " Papa and mamma-in-law to-be, 
 and the Jianc^e in muslin 'temptation,' with her Sunday 
 face on : of them I say nothing ! " 
 
 " Count Favoris — a very agreeable, gentlemanlike fellow, 
 belonging to some legation." 
 
 " Sharper of the first water. Exposed at Bath, under 
 another name, for cheating at Scart^, and kicked out of 
 Cheltenham by 'Bruising Bill,' cf the — Lancers, for 
 bringing false dice to a private party. I know all about 
 him." 
 
 "Mr. Sharpes, who lost seven pound to Mrs. Cotherstone, 
 at whist." 
 
 "A shrewd, sensible fellow. He keeps that humbug 
 Bloomsbury's business together. Clever old woman that, 
 to win his money." 
 
 " Major and Mrs. O'Cleverly," I added. " He seems a 
 fine specimen of a real Irish gentleman ; and she is still a 
 very handsome woman." 
 
 " A ruined horse-dealer, now principal partner in Macer's 
 gambling-house ; and a broken-down actress, who married 
 him under false pretences. My dear feUow, what a nest of 
 sharpers you have got amongst ! Now tell me honestly, 
 had you any play, or did they keep you in ignorance of 
 their practices, so as not to land their fish before he was 
 thoroughly gorged ? " 
 
 "Whyj we played, certainly. I had a turn at ica/rt6 
 with the Count." 
 
 " And he won of you ? " 
 
 " Thirteen hundred and fifty altogether amongst the 
 party. Eather a facer, my dear Rafiieton; but I assure 
 you it was all on the square." 
 
 Shall I ever forget the expression of Jack's handsome 
 features when I came out with this disclosure ? The pro- 
 longed whistle with which he found it necessary to give vent 
 
TILBUEY NOQO 81 
 
 to his astonishment spoke volumes for the healthy action of 
 his lungs, as did the concern betrayed upon his open brow 
 for the goodness of his heart. Long and earnestly he argued 
 •with me upon my folly in what he was pleased to term being 
 robbed with my eyes open. Warmly he expostulated with 
 me on my infatuation for Kate Ootherstone, and unceasingly 
 did he beg of me to break off all my engagements with this 
 dangerous family, to leave for London immediately, and to 
 abjure for ever the fatal and alluring passion for high play 
 in which I had lately indulged. 
 
 " I have been an infernal fool myself," said Jack, 
 becoming quite eloquent upon the subject, " but that is no 
 reason why I should not endeavour to dissuade others from 
 practices of which I know too well the folly and the end. 
 Look here, Nogo ; I am now a subaltern in the Guards, 
 with some few hundreds a year besides my pay, and all the 
 tastes and pursuits of a man who can draw for thousands ; 
 the consequence is, I never ha,ve a shilling that I can 
 honestly call my own. I am hampered and distressed 
 by bills and creditors, and driven to do things that, by 
 Jove, I am perfectly ashamed of. And all this is owing to 
 my passion for play. Had I not been a gambler, Nogo, I 
 might have done anything. I might have commanded a 
 regiment of cavaliy by this time. I might have earned 
 honour and distinction in those glorious campaigns in India. 
 I might have married ; " and here poor Jack's voice faltered 
 — " I might have married the nicest girl in England. And 
 what am I now?" 
 
 " Why," said I sedulously brushing away at my grinders, 
 with my mouth full of tooth-powder, " your position is a 
 very good one, and you lead a very pleasant life, Jack. You 
 go where you like, and everybody is glad to see you. You 
 do what you like, and nobody dreams of objecting to any of 
 your proceedings. I have always considered you the most 
 enviable fellow I know." 
 
 " All very well," resumed my military Mentor, coming 
 out in a new light as a moral philosopher. " AJl very well. 
 But happy as I seem to you, and good as are my spirits 
 when you see me in society, there are moments of my 
 existence bitter and miserable as remorse can make them. 
 You have always heard of Jack Eaffleton as a good- 
 
 7 
 
82 TILBUBY NOOO 
 
 humoured, careless rattle, but little troubled with either 
 money or brains, and thoughtless as that butterfly at your 
 window. But it was not always so. There was a time 
 when I had energy, ambition, and honest pride ; when I 
 had something to live for, and a motive for exertion. Put 
 into a cavalry regiment as a fatherless boy of sixteen, I had 
 all those hopes of advancement, all that thirst for distinction, 
 too seldom felt but by those who have never known dis- 
 appointment, but which, nevertheless, are the surest guides 
 that lead to honour and renown. I was passionately fond 
 of my profession ; and as, step by step, I watched my name 
 working its way upward in the Army List, I burned only 
 for an opportunity of showing that I was capable of winning 
 for myself a name and character in the service. I had a 
 moderate income, enough for all my wishes, and in those 
 days I never played. It would have broken my mother's 
 heart to be told her son was a gambler, and she was spared 
 that trial. Alas ! she died when I was twenty ; and I 
 sometimes think that had it not been so, her influence 
 might have saved me from many of the follies and vices 
 of my manhood ; Heaven only knows ! I had then another 
 and even a dearer tie that should have kept me out of evil ; 
 but I was doomed. Poor, pooe Ellen ! We were to have 
 been married as soon as I should have obtamed my troop ; 
 and my idea then was to exchange into a regiment in India, 
 and take her out with me to a climate more likely to agree 
 with her than the colder temperature of her native land. I 
 was rising rapidly to the top of the Lieutenants ; and with 
 a thorough knowledge of my duty, gdod health, a good con- 
 science, and my union with Ellen to look forwaa-d to, I was 
 happy. Well, I could ride pretty well then ; in fact, I can 
 slip over a country now as quickly as my neighbours ; and, 
 in an evil hour, I entered old Brunette, a famous mare I 
 had, for a 'great regimental steeple-chase. I backed her 
 heavily, and won easily, landing four hundred on the 
 event. From that day I date my ruin. Ellen heard 
 of my triumphs, and wrote to congratulate me, poor girl ! 
 at the same time she warned me of the danger of getting 
 into habits of betting and play. I do not mean to say 
 I became a gambler all at once ; but the excitement of 
 speculation, and the success which at first I met with, 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 83 
 
 begetting hopes of improving my income, and so bettering 
 the position of Ellen and myself, drew me gradually, but 
 securely, into the net from which I am now warning you. 
 It were a long story to tell you how I lost at length the 
 greater part of my fortune, how I strove desperately to 
 regain what I had so madly parted with, how I became more 
 and more deeply involved, till the obtaining my troop was 
 hopeless, and it seemed impossible to entertain an idea of 
 marrying. Poor Ellen ! the suspense and misery she 
 endured on my account were too much for a frame 
 already enfeebled by a consumptive tendency, and she 
 died at nineteen of a decline." Jack's face was deadly 
 pale as he added, after a pause of fearful distress : — " I 
 have never cared a farthing for a woman since, and never 
 shall. After this, I became, as you may suppose, entirely 
 reckless. A death-vacancy in the regiment, and a run of luck, 
 set me on my legs again, and since then I have been what 
 you see me. I live, as I told you, from hand to mouth. 
 I have had all my worldly goods, horses, carriages, and fur- 
 niture quivering upon the turn of a die, and this repeatedly. 
 Some day it must go against me,, and I shall pay up, but I 
 shall walk out a beggar. As you say, people are glad to see 
 me, and ask me to their houses, to shoot their pheasants, ride 
 their horses, drink their wine, and abuse their cook : but 
 Lord A. only invites me because he knows I am going on 
 to Lord B., and Lord B.'s hearty and hospitable welcome 
 depends upon the fact of my arriving from Lord A.'s. 
 Which of them, if I had not a house to my head or a 
 coat to my back, would give me half a crown to keep me 
 from starving? Believe me, my dear Nogo, mine is a 
 false, and consequently an unhappy position, and I warn 
 you not to tread in my footsteps. Your hack is at the 
 door ; take your ride with this new flame, flirt as much as 
 you like, but do not commit yourself with the young lady ; 
 and, whatever you do, beware how you sit down to play with 
 her papa." 
 
CHAPTER X 
 
 No — ^vain, alas I the endeavour 
 From bonds so sweet to sever : 
 I>oor Wisdom's chance 
 Against a glance 
 Is now as weak as ever I 
 
 T. Moosa. 
 
 Cassio. — Not to-night, good lago. I have very poor and unhappy 
 brains for drinking. I could well wish courtesy would invent some 
 other custom of entertainment. Othello. 
 
 " I SUPPOSE I can trust her with you, Mr. Nogo," said the 
 anxious mother, as Kate and I walked our fretting horses 
 away from Mr. Cotherstone's door. Kate looked charming 
 in her riding-habit, and sat upon her horse with an ease 
 and grace aU her own. The weather was delightful ; there 
 was no groom to mar the happiness of our tete-a-tete ; and 
 of all the glades in yerdant England for love-making, 
 commend me to those that twine in leafy beauty round 
 Virginia Water. But with all this, I was restless and 
 disquieted. Jack's conversation with me in the morning 
 had, to a certain extent, opened my eyes; I was not 
 sufficiently infatuated to rush blindly into destruction, 
 and I began to have that most unpleasant of all mis- 
 givings — a suspicion that I had made a confounded fool 
 of myself. My fair companion, although in the highest 
 glee when we started, although at first she rallied me, not 
 without an object, on my very uncomplimentary lowness of 
 spirits, soon saw with a woman's quickness that there was 
 something wrong ; and our ride, which I at least had looked 
 forward to with such anticipations of delight, was fast 
 verging into a rather dull tSte-a-tite; when, at a turn in 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 85 
 
 one of those grassy avenues, we came upon a galloping 
 party of young Guardsmen, laughing, chatting, and smoking, 
 enjoying their afternoon ride, and talking over the running 
 of the different " favourites " at the late meeting. I blushed 
 up to my eyes at the collision, more particularly as I de- 
 tected certain exchange of glances among the party, that 
 to my sensitive mind seemed to betoken no great respect 
 for the character of my companion or the " common-sense " 
 of her devoted attendant. Kate, who seemed to know the 
 whole clique, behaved with admirable self-possession and 
 sangfroid ; but I could not stand the free-and-easy manner 
 with which she was greeted by young Fitz-Arthur and 
 Captain Clare, nor the extremely good understanding 
 that seemed to reign between my charge for the time 
 being, and the military in general. Wider and wider were 
 my eyes being opened; and such conversation as the 
 following gave me more and more an insight into the 
 character of Miss Cotherstone. 
 
 Ensign Fitz-Arthur (an attenuated youth of seventeen, 
 who looked as if he lived upon " sardines," and sat up all 
 night — as indeed was the case) : "lam rejoiced to see you 
 again. Miss Cotherstone. I hope you have recovered the 
 ball. I sent the gloves ; but I have kept the bouquet : I 
 give you my honour I slept with it next my heart." 
 
 All this in an audible voice, to my unspeakable discom- 
 fiture. 
 
 Miss C. : " You silly Ipoj ! you know you sat up playing 
 chicken-hazard tUl parade." 
 
 Captain Clare : "So he did. Miss Cotherstone — ^not so 
 devoted as I am : I walked in the park the whole night 
 after the ball, and thought over our polka — ^nothing like the 
 devotion of a middle-aged man," 
 
 Clare was one of the handsomest fellows in London, and 
 I began to get into a cold perspiration. 
 
 " Well, Captain Clare," was the guarded reply of the 
 well-drilled young lady, "if none of my admirers were 
 more devoted than you are, I should indeed be badly off; 
 you forgot all about the waltz we were engaged for. Mr. 
 Nogo, we had better canter on, or we shall hardly be in 
 time to dress for our early dinner." And bringing her 
 horse well up to his bit, she started him at once into a 
 
86 TILBUB7 NOGO 
 
 hand-gallop, which soon took us out of sight of our military 
 friends. This was entirely a volunteer on the part of Kate ; 
 and the casual mention of an early dinner, which was never 
 served till past eight o'clock, was only a ruse to get away 
 from a party who, however agreeable they might severally 
 be in their proper places, as pleasant "flirting-blocks" — 
 to use her own expression — ^were decidedly de trap in a 
 tete-a-tete ride with the gentleman on whom she had 
 thoroughly made up her mind she would bestow the 
 honour of her hand. Many a glance was cast at me 
 from beneath those black eyelashes, and many a hint 
 given and opening afforded for an explanation which must 
 have ended, as all such explanations do, in a shower of 
 tears and a declaration of attachment ; but I was not to 
 be caught. I was sulky and immoveable ; and when I took 
 Kate off her horse at her own door, and rode my hack 
 home, to dress for the dinner to which I was engaged at 
 her father's, we were upon more distant terms ; and I felt 
 "safer in my shoes" than at any previous period of our 
 acquaintance. The fact is, my suspicions were fairly 
 aroused : like all individuals not gifted with a super- 
 abundance of brains, my bump of caution was largely 
 developed ; a beautiful arrangement of Nature, which 
 may be generally remarked in those who have not the 
 ready-wit nor intellectual energy to get out of a scrape — 
 it is but fair that these slower coaches should possess an 
 instinct which prevents their getting into one. And so 
 was it with me. From my boyhood I had a horror of deep 
 water, even after I had learned to swim ; I used to think it 
 far safer, and just as pleasant, to float upon a surface, to 
 the bottom of which I could at any time place my feet ; 
 and I have ever been subject to misgivings when the 
 magnitude of an undertaking on which I have once 
 embarked has been fairly set before me. 
 
 " Good gracious," I thought, as I made my dinner toilet 
 — a time during which the most reckless of mankind has 
 no means of escaping from his reflections — " what a nice 
 mess I shall be in if I marry this girl, and find out, after all, 
 I have been imposed upon ! if I take her down into ' my 
 own county,' and find people won't visit her ! and stiU 
 worse, that she does not care a farthing for me, and has 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 87 
 
 perhaps entertained thronghont a real attachment for 
 Captain Clare, or Count Pavoris, or some scapegrace who 
 is fast on his way to ' the Bench ! ' And then the mother ! 
 Cotherstone is well enough, if he is honest ; but conceive 
 Mrs. C. for a mother-in-law ! No, it will not do. I shall 
 dine with them to-day, and after that gradually break off 
 the acquaintance" — and with this doughty resolution I 
 took the now well-known road to Cotherstone's villa. 
 
 Kate was late for dinner ; but she came down before the 
 soup was off, looking like an angel who had been weeping 
 over man's fallen lot— an angel, be it understood, extremely 
 well-dressed, and far, very far different in figure from those 
 whose proportions we are used to see so miserably curtailed 
 in the creations of the sculptor. But weeping she had 
 certainly been, and the swollen eyelids gave a softness of 
 expression to her countenance that I had never seen before. 
 I felt getting worse again. 
 
 " We have nobody to meet you, Mr. Nogo," said Mrs. 
 Cotherstone ; "we treat you quite like one of the family. 
 I asked Kate, says I, Kate, are you sure Mr. Nogo won't 
 find it stupid being here in the family way ? 1 mean," 
 added the matron, picking herself up, "nobody but our- 
 selves. And Kate, you said you were sure he would like it 
 better, and you knew his tastes — didn't you? " Calling 
 my attention to that ingenuous young lady, who, with a faint 
 blush upon her gentle brow, was looking sorrowfully down 
 into her soup-plate. 
 
 I muttered something about " delighted " and " much 
 pleasanter," and so on, but all in vain to stop the torrent 
 of Mrs. Cotherstone's eloquence ; till her husband, who was 
 really an agreeable man, came to the rescue, with a few 
 words of well-bred quiet welcome, and a glass of dry 
 champagne, fit, as the nursery-song expresses it, " to set 
 before a king." Everything in his establishment was as 
 well done for our small party of four as it could have been 
 had mine host been entertaining a company of princes of 
 the blood. The dinner consisted of just the right number 
 of dishes, dressed to perfection ; the servants waited noise- 
 lessly as spirits ; the 6pergne was decorated with the rarest 
 flowers, most tastefully disposed; the decanters sparkled 
 with the raciest and most curious of wines: and Mr. 
 
88 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 Cotherstone seemed determined that none of these good 
 things, particularly the latter, should be lost upon his 
 guest. "Nogo, have you tasted that sparkling Moselle ? " 
 — "Nogo, have another glass of the dry champagne." — 
 " Nogo, I can recommend that old sherry : " — till my brain 
 began to reel with its effects, to do justice to all these 
 hospitable challenges, and by the time I had finished my 
 share of a magnum of 25, preparatory to coffee, ladies, 
 and the drawing-room, I felt wound up to that pitch which 
 is equally prepared for all pursuits and contingencies; 
 " from pitch-and-toss to manslaughter," "from rat-catch- 
 ing to the use of the globes." 
 
 With a flushed countenance and unsteady step I entered 
 the drawing-room, to find it deserted : Papa calling to me 
 from the rear, " that he was going to his own room to write 
 a letter, which must be sent off the first thing to-morrow 
 morning — ^to ring for coffee when I wanted it — and that he 
 would join me in half an hour." I have said the drawing- 
 room was empty ; but out of the drawing-room a door 
 opened iato the pretty little conservatory, with its lamps 
 and flowers : and out of the conservatory the cooling night- 
 breeze tempted me through another open door into the 
 silvery moonlight, shedding its soft rays over towering 
 shrub and smoothly-shaven lawn. The flutter of a white 
 dress, flitting slowly down the gravel walk, soon attracted 
 my attention and my footsteps. Mamma was gone to bed 
 with a headache — Papa was safe for at least half an hour 
 over his letter. The field was all her own. Now or never 
 was the time. Young, romantic, and flushed with wine, I 
 was in for a moonlight stroll alone with Kate Cotherstone. 
 
 It was truly a dangerous situation, and one from which 
 few men on the sunny side of what people call the " prime 
 of life " (an epoch always placed five years beyond the age 
 of the individual makmg use of the term) would have 
 escaped soathless ; but I was not daring enough to be an 
 utter fool : the instinctive caution of my nature had taken 
 fright, and notwithstanding the claret, notwithstanding the 
 fascinations of scenery, moonlight, flowers, perfume, and 
 white muslin, the warnings of Jack Raffleton were never 
 present so vividly to my mind as when, putting her arm 
 within mine, on the plea of fatigue, Kate walked me quietly 
 
TILBUBY NOGO m 
 
 away in an opposite direction &om the house, and half 
 playfully, though with a mournful accent on her melodious 
 tones, warbled forth a fragment of Tommy Moore's 
 harmonious ballad, " Fly to the desert, fly with me." 
 Verily, Mr. Moore, you have a great deal to answer for ; 
 and hard must be the heart that can resist your thrilling 
 numbers dropping from " the lips that we love ; " but that 
 hardness of heart was mine, and when, after one turn 
 round the garden, during which a stoic might have envied 
 my callousness, we returned to the realities of lamplight 
 and the drawing-room, I had a bitter sort of satisfaction in 
 feeling that Kate could make nothing of me. I caught one 
 glimpse of her coimtenance as we entered the conservatory, 
 when she thought she was unobserved, and on those 
 exquisite features I read an expression of contempt, hatred, 
 and bitter spite, that made me shudder as I gazed : the 
 curl on that beautiful lip would have made the fortune of a 
 painter who had undertaken to depict Mephistophiles ; and 
 almost worse than all was the instantaneous change that 
 came over her when she perceived she was watched. I 
 could not have believed the " human face divine " was able 
 so rapidly to alter its whole appearance, and wreathe itself 
 so suddenly in smiles. Once or twice during our walk my 
 heart had melted within me, and I had nearly fallen a 
 victim to the spells of the enchantress ; but I had gathered 
 more than usual firmness from the wine I had drunk, and I 
 strenuously resisted her blandishments, and the impulse of 
 my own heart; but now the mask had fallen off, and I 
 re-entered the drawing-room completely sobered by my 
 conflicting feelings, and with every faculty sharpened by 
 the contemplation of the danger I had escaped. Cother- 
 stone's good-humoured matter-of-fact countenance, and 
 careftdly-ironed white neckcloth, recalled me more quickly 
 than anything to the material world ; and ere I had drunk 
 my coffee, I was again lulled into security by the quiet 
 ease with which he led the conversation, amusing and 
 quaint as uslial, as he discussed the every-day topics of ow 
 world, and the coolness and sang froid with which Kate 
 joined in our discourse, as though nothing had happened, 
 and the cherished schemes of the last fortnight had not 
 melted away like an air-bubble during that fatal evening. 
 
90 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 " Kate, let us have a little music ; " and she glided away 
 to the pianoforte with a readiness and good-humour that 
 was perfectly enchanting. 
 
 I am very susceptible to the influence of music ; and in 
 my then excited state, I felt half-maddened by the silver 
 tones of that voice which I knew not yet whether I most 
 loved or hated ; and the consummate skill with which she 
 modulated the tones of her instrument, now dreamy and 
 soothing as the evening breeze, now startling and inspirit- 
 ing as the trumpet-blast, roused my feelings to the utter- 
 most, and I longed for some vent to the excitement that 
 was boiling within. The tempter was close at my elbow. 
 "Nogo, what do you say to a pool at Scarti, you, and I, and 
 Kate ? or if she will go on playing to us, we can have our 
 quiet 'pcM'ti,' and listen to her performance the while." 
 There is an old Latin adage, often quoted, about which a 
 good deal of money has been lost, as it is not to be found 
 in any author of earlier or later date, but of the truth of 
 which, nevertheless, there can be little doubt — and thus 
 runs the aphorism, " Quern Deus vult perdere prius 
 dementat." And certainly, if Kate had set her heart upon 
 my ruin, she had adopted the preparatory step of bidding 
 me take leave of my senses, or I should never have dreamt 
 of easing my mind by contending single-handed in any 
 game of skill with my accomplished host. 
 
 The table was wheeled down within a yard or two of the 
 pianoforte, the wax-lights on which threw a strong glare 
 upon my " hand," as I took my seat in obedience to 
 Cotherstone's courteous gesture, with my back to Kate, 
 who, as usual, expressed her interest in my success. 
 Shuffling the cards with a careless remark about "moderate 
 stakes," mine adversary drew his chair to the opposite side 
 of the table, and we entered upon the tug of war to the ac- 
 companiment of a rare and beautiful symphony, exquisitely 
 performed by our fair musician; and the ever -varying 
 strains of which, now fading with a " dying fall " into 
 almost imperceptible melody, now returning in fuller tones, 
 and thrilling like some well-remembered voice upon the ear, 
 required indeed the skill of a thorough and accomplished 
 musician. I am thus particular in specifying the exact 
 position of the parties and the circumstantial details of 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 91 
 
 that memorable evening, as it was on this occasion I first 
 discovered the extent of dishonesty and dishonour practised 
 by a man holding by such means the position of a gentle- 
 man, and to whose course of fraud and swindling I had 
 voluntarily exposed myself. 
 
 The game progressed and the stakes increased. Blind, 
 reckless, and infatuated, for some time I rushed wildly into 
 the excitement of the hour. Stakes were doubled and 
 trebled with a carelessness of consequences that was per- 
 fectly frightful. Nothing could exceed the quiet courtesy 
 of mine host, except, perhaps, the readiness which he 
 showed in complying with my insane and reiterated pro- 
 posals for higher stakes — always higher stakes — and still 
 fortune"went against me, and the anticipated run of success 
 ■ — the change of luck — that "will-o'-the-wisp" ever present 
 to the gamester's mental vision — still fleeted on before and 
 still eluded my disappointed grasp. At length came a 
 reaction. The amount of my losses was dreadful to con- 
 template, and the effect upon my previous state of excite- 
 ment was sedative in proportion to the magnitude of my 
 difficulties : the continued run of ill-luck that had dogged 
 me ever since I sat down to play was startling even to an 
 inexperienced practitioner like myself; I never had a chcmee. 
 If I held a bad hand Cotherstone would not allow me to 
 propose ; if a good one, he seemed to possess a magical 
 insight into the value of every one of my court cards ; and I 
 derived the least benefit possible from those very smiles of 
 Fortune which she was so niggard in bestowing. And ever, 
 as my strategy was foiled, my cards out-trumped, and my 
 tricks taken, would the pealing notes of that glorious 
 symphony ring upon mine ear, like the sweet yet mocking 
 laugh of some alluring spirit exulting over the ruin to which 
 it beckoned. I know not what may be tiie effect of wine 
 combined with intense excitement upon the nerves of 
 others ; but with me, after a certain point, it has ever had 
 a positively sobering tendency. There is a period at which, 
 after the exhaustion of the spirits by their previous hilarity, 
 the mind, fatigued and overstrung, sinks into the opposite 
 extreme : if the excitement be still kept up, then, as in 
 the case of the habitual drunkard, a state of helpless 
 despondency will ensue ; and such a course, if persevered 
 
M TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 in, will inevitably lead to that gloomiest of all the phases 
 of insanity — "delirium tremens." But this is only the doom 
 of those who, day after day, and month after month, devote 
 themselves to the pernicious use of alcohol : and such 
 victims are, foiiunately, becoming more and more 
 rare. 
 
 To return to my own sensations : — On the evening in 
 question, the excitement I had gone through, both as to my 
 better and worse feelings, had completely counteracted the 
 effect of those potations which had at first enhanced its 
 power ; and by the time Cotherstone and I had concluded 
 our third rubber, my brain was sobered, my faculties 
 sharpened, and my nerves braced to an extent which 
 enabled me to discover the ingenious and well-planned fraud 
 of which I was the victim. It flashed upon me suddenly 
 that Kate's symphony was ever loudest when my hand was 
 most miserably poor; and upon such occasions it invariably 
 happened that her father denied me the privilege of 
 improving my position by what is called " proposing " — a 
 course which, as I was not disposed to pursue it with 
 regard to his daughter, he took care I should derive no 
 benefit from in my struggle vrith himself. I then reflected 
 that Kate, from her position behind me, and that of her 
 wax candles on the pianoforte, could see distinctly into my 
 hand, and that in all probability so accomplished a young 
 lady was as good a judge of ecariS as she was of whist. 
 No sooner did this suspicion cross my mind, than, dis- 
 regarding the playing of my cards, I devoted myself entirely 
 to watching the proceedings of my antagonist and his 
 accomplice. Ere long I had abundant proof to satisfy my 
 own mind as to the disadvantages under which I had that 
 evening been fleeced of a small fortune. I remarked that 
 Cotherstone never once looked in the direction of, or 
 exchanged a single glance with his daughter. He had a 
 fine ear, and doubtless that was quite sufficient io guide 
 him in his movements. 
 
 Once I shifted my chair in such a manner that my cards 
 were entirely hid from Miss Cotherstone's view, and on that 
 occasion the liquid treble and resounding bass were steady 
 and unvaried as a funeral march; but on a fresh game 
 commencing, and my continuing in the same cautious 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 93 
 
 position, the young lady left her seat for the ostensible 
 purpose of fetching some more music, and as she passed 
 behind me, deliberately and searchingly she scanned the 
 cards in my hand which for once were most favourable. 
 Need I add,^ that when she resumed her place at the piano- 
 forte, the waltz of Weber, which she commenced with such 
 unrivalled skill, died away in its second bar into a faint and 
 fitfiil melody, like the music of a dream ! 
 
 I was now convinced : but how to proceed ? Determined 
 not to sit still and be robbed with my eyes open, I was yet 
 extremely averse, more particularly in the presence of a 
 woman, to what is called " a row ; " and my uncertainty 
 how to act, and the difficulty — I had almost said 
 " delicacy " — of my position, made me so absent and 
 " distrait," that it was impossible Cotherstone should fail 
 to remark the alteration and embarrassment of my 
 manner. 
 
 "Nogo," said he, in his usual frank, good-humoured 
 manner, " you are bored with this ; let us leave off. And 
 Kate ! " added the paternal hypocrite, without a blush on 
 his open countenance, " play us something lively, instead 
 of that confounded thing you have been hammering at all 
 night." 
 
 My half-inaudible and absent answer was not remarked, 
 for Kate, dashing off a brilliant conclusion, shut the piano- 
 forte, and, lighting a candle, retired for the night, leaving 
 me with her father, in a state of painful indecision as to 
 how I should act. 
 
 " Well, Nogo," said he, as soon as the door closed upon 
 her retreating form, " I wish we had not played quite so 
 high. I see you lose more than eighteen hundred; but 
 of course, my dear feUow, you need not trouble yourself 
 about an immediate payment, if it is any inconvenience to 
 you. I only play, as you know, for amusement ; and, 
 therefore, whether you pay me now or two months hence 
 Uttle matters, or if you like to give me a bill for the 
 
 amount "' 
 
 "Mr. Cotherstone," I replied, in a voice almost inar- 
 ticulate with a mixed feeling of anger, annoyance, and a 
 certain degree of apprehension for the probable conse- 
 quences of such a demonstration, whilst my whole frame 
 
94 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 shook and my lips trembled witli the yiolence of my agita- 
 tion, "I distinctly refuse to pay you one farthing of the 
 money I have lost to-night, and out of which I have been 
 swindled — yes, sir, most disgracefully swindled ! — ^by an 
 ingenious combination between your daughter and your- 
 self." 
 
 I saw him look up for an instant with a guilty, startled 
 expression, as I delivered this home-thrust, that convinced 
 me more and more of the truth of my suspicions. His 
 cheek grew perfectly livid, and his nostril dilated, with an 
 expression that changed his whole countenance, and which 
 even then brought forcibly to my recollection the glance 
 his daughter threw at me that evening in the conservatory. 
 There was the same fiendish expression of malice and re- 
 venge disfiguring the shapely feature ; the same scornful 
 sneer on the well-cut lip, that betokened pain and disap- 
 pointment, curbed and kept down by the strong will within. 
 There was, if I may so call it, a family likeness of evil 
 between father and daughter ; nor did the well-schooled 
 man of the world more readily recover his equanimity and 
 usual bearing than she — that heartless girl — had previously 
 done under parallel circumstances, when her schemes of 
 enrichment and aggrandisement were foiled by the clear- 
 sightednesss of her victim. But Mr. Cotherstone had only 
 one course to pursue : and Bayard might have taken a 
 lesson in chivalry from the temperate bearing, the firm 
 manner, and high tone adopted by this most consummate 
 of knaves. 
 
 "I am at a loss to account for your extraordinary beha- 
 viour, Mr. Nogo," was his quiet and gentleman-like reply. 
 " I should be sorry to believe that I had sat down to play 
 with a gentleman in a state of intoxication — ^the only 
 excuse I can think of for your conduct. You will allow 
 me to ring for your carriage ; and I trust that to-morrow 
 you will see the propriety of making an ample apology. 
 In justice to myself, however, 1 must insist upon the 
 trifling sum we have been discussing being immedi- 
 ately paid over; and I am sure in your cooler moments 
 you will see the absolute necessity of such a proceed- 
 ing." 
 And with these words he bowed me out in a state of 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 95 
 
 complete distraction, staggered by his coolness, alarmed at 
 what I had entailed upon myself, and with no very clear 
 perception, except that advice and assistance must imme- 
 diately be sought from Jack Eaffleton, and &om him 
 alone. 
 
CHAPTER XI 
 
 Sir Toby. — He is knight, dubbed with unbacked rapier, and on carpet 
 consideration ; but he is a devil in private brawl. Souls and bodies 
 hath he divorced three; and his incensement at this moment is so 
 implacable that satisfaction can be none, but by pangs of death and 
 sepulchre. -Hob-nob is his word, give't or take't — 
 
 Sir And. — Plague on't, I'll not meddle with him. 
 
 Twelfth-Night ; or, What you will. 
 
 I DO not set up for the character of having more nerve than 
 my neighbours ; and I can conceive no anticipations, except 
 perhaps those of a gentleman engaged to be hanged, more 
 disagreeable than the forebodings which darken the exist- 
 ence of a quiet steady-going man, who for the first time 
 in his life finds he has got a duel upon his hands. When 
 I left Cotherstone's house on the night of ova fracas, it was 
 evident to me that, come what might, the thing could only 
 have one conclusion. If I steadily persevered in my reso- 
 lution of refusing to pay, mine adversary would of course 
 take Such steps as should make it imperative on me to call 
 him out. If, on the other hand, I accepted the unpa- 
 latable alternative of " booking up," I was not at all 
 satisfied that the langaage I had made use of would not 
 be suf&cient to provoke a man in Cotherstone's ambiguous 
 position to the immediate use of firearms at a short dis- 
 tance ; and view it whichever way I would, one thing was 
 clear — the business must end in a fight. With this sooth- 
 ing lullaby I sought my pillow ; and feverish was the rest, 
 and disturbed the dreams, that hovered over my couch. 
 Now I was Gustavus, of dancing memory, threading the 
 lively "galop" with my fascinating Kate, through the 
 conservatory, out into the garden, round the shrubberies, 
 while Mrs. C. beat time, and nodded with a mother's pride 
 
 96 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 97 
 
 in the graceful pd,lr. Anon, Papa, in the guise of the jealons 
 Ankerstrom, rises from the Ha-ha, with a long rifle-barrelled 
 pistol in his hand, and Kate flying into the honse, disap- 
 pears with an eldritch shriek. Then the scene changes, 
 and I am driving with Jack EaflSeton to witness a private 
 trial, from which we both expect great things. It is early 
 morning as we arrive upon the Downs ; and the sun, just 
 peeping above the horizon, throws his slanting beams over 
 as fair a scene as merry England can produce. The lark 
 is rising into the deep blue sky, marbled here and there 
 with light and fleecy clouds ; and never, I think, was the 
 world BO biBautiful — never was life so enjoyable. I get up 
 to ride the trial ! — such are the inconsistencies of a dream, 
 — ^but the animal I bestride is rooted to the ground. 
 " Give it him ! " says Jack, as he puts a pistol into my 
 hand. John Scott assumes the form of Mr. Cotherstone, 
 and Alfred Bay shoots suddenly up into a truculent-looking 
 gentleman, six feet high. I find myself placed within 
 arm's length of my antagonist, and in a frantic attempt to 
 cock my pistol, the hammer of which no power seems able 
 to displace, I awake ! with that heavy feeling of oppression 
 which makes us conscious of misfortune, ere our faculties 
 have shaken oflf the influence of sleep sufficiently to per- 
 ceive the whole extent of the troubles in which" we are 
 involved. It was later than I should have thought ; and 
 hurrying my toilet, I ordered my hack, and galloped oflf to 
 the barracks at Windsor, to gather counsel and assistance 
 from my friend Jack Eaffleton. That gallant defender of 
 his country was in the act of sitting down to a late and 
 luxurious breakfast, after the fatigues of a " marching- 
 order field-day" in the park, when I was ushered into his 
 presence in the mess-room. Jack saw by my countenance 
 that the mission with which I was charged was of no 
 pleasant nature ; but as several brother-officers were 
 present, it was not a time for explanation, and I accepted, 
 though with no great appetite, the cordial invitation to join 
 these joyous spirits in their merry repast. Fun, good- 
 humour, and " chaff," were paramount as ever ; and 
 although in low spirits myself^ and by no means in a frame 
 of mind to make the companionship of a lot of devil-may- 
 care fellows any more acceptable than the profuse breakfast 
 
 8 
 
98 TILBUBT NOGO 
 
 whicli tempted my unwilling palate, I could not help envy- 
 ing my companions their hilarity, and thinking within 
 myself, " "What a jolly life these fellows lead ! " The 
 repast, interminable as I thought it, at length came to an 
 end, and OTer a weed in Jack's barrack-room I explained 
 to him the scrape I had got into, and asked his advice as to 
 how I was to act. 
 
 " Why," said Jack, to whom, as an oracle in these 
 matters, I listened with undivided attention, " we have 
 nothing to do but to keep quiet : you have distinctly refused 
 to pay, and have, besides, given Cotherstone a pretty good 
 piece of your mind. If he takes no further notice, well 
 and good ; though, from my knowledge of the man, I think 
 such a chance extremely improbable. He is a fighting sort 
 of fellow, confound him ! and I recollect his ' parading ' 
 Brampton of the Bays, about a disputed bet at New- 
 market : everybody said Brampton was right, but he had 
 to pay, notwithstanding; and Cotherstone, not satisfied 
 with receiving his money, must stand upon his character, 
 forsooth ! and have a shot at him, besides." 
 
 "How did it end?" I inquired, somewhat aghast to 
 hear of these strong fighting inclinations. 
 
 " Cotherstone shot him in the wrist," was the reply : 
 the ball took off the look of his pistol, and ran up his arm 
 to the elbow. The whole thing was badly managed by the 
 seconds : however, it was hushed up and made all right. 
 But I'll tell you how we must act. It will never do for you 
 to be out of the way should a message arrive. We will 
 drive back to your villa together, stay there all the afber- 
 noon, and have an early dinner vrith a bottle of light 
 claret," — Jack settled it all as if it was a picnic — "and 
 then if anybody calls we shall be ready for them, and I 
 should hope, with a little good diplomacy, it will not be 
 necessary to come to extreme measures." 
 
 With this consolatory remark. Jack ordered his dogcart, 
 and sending my horse back by his servant, we drove to- 
 gether through the glorious summer noon, striving to con- 
 verse on indifferent subjects ; but, as far as one of us was 
 concerned, I can answer for the effort being most unsuc- 
 cessful. Why did Windsor Forest look more beautiful, 
 bathed as it was in that flood of sunshine than it had ever 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 99 
 
 looked before. Why had the hum of insects, the song of 
 birds, the towering elms, the stately oaks, the massive 
 shade of the deep woodland glades, a charm that, to my 
 unawakened feelings, had never previously existed ? Could 
 it be that life, in all its beauty, all its capacity for enjoy- 
 ment, that life of which the sunny summer noon was so 
 suggestive a type, had never been really appreciated, until 
 the probability of its being hazarded, the possibility of 
 losing it, had startled me into the consciousness of its 
 innumerable blessings and delights? Certainly I found 
 myself becoming more and more keenly alive to the plea- 
 sures of existence, and contemplating with more and more 
 disgust the disagreeable necessity to which I was reduced. 
 Gradually I tasked my memory to recall in long and ghastly 
 array all the traditions of duelling that I had ever read or 
 heard of — ^how a certain English gentleman, of undaunted 
 courage and unerring aim, had been insulted by a French 
 Count, celebrated as a bully by preference and a duellist 
 by profession ; how he retaliated by pulling the French- 
 man's nose, and thus, placing himself in the position of 
 the challenged, obtained the option of weapons, and chose 
 pistols as placing him more upon a par with his antagonist 
 than the small sword; how they fought at the "Barrier," 
 as it is called, beginning at twenty-five paces, how, ere one 
 step was completed, both the pistols had been discharged, 
 the Englishman being the least moment in advance, and 
 shooting his adversary through the he;art, at the same 
 instant that the Count's ball grazed his forehead — the fact 
 of receiving a bullet in the " pericardium " only disturbing 
 the Frenchman's aim to that extent. How, upon another 
 frightful occasion, at one of these sanguinary " harrier " 
 duels, the younger combatant of the two, the hope and 
 stay as he was the representative of his family, having 
 failed in bringing down his aiitagonist at a long shot, was 
 forced by the rules of the " duello," and the exigencies of 
 " honour," to walk coolly up, with his discharged pistol in 
 his hand, to be murdered in cold blood at the white hand- 
 kerchief, placed on the ground half-way between the prin- 
 cipals; how his adversary — a fiend in human form — laid 
 his hand upon the youth's person, to feel the exact spot 
 where his heart beat, and pressing the muzzle of his 
 
100 TILBURY NOGO 
 
 weapon against that well-spring of vitality, immolated him 
 then and there with the words — "I pity your poor mother ! " 
 How, in later days, men had been shot dead in duels, such 
 as the customs of society made inevitable, and the sur- 
 vivors rendered amenable to the laws of their country on 
 the capital charge ; how the option between being shot and 
 hanged was by no means agreeable ; and how it was very 
 possible that the events of the next four-and-twenty hours 
 might give me my choice of either catastrophe. In short, 
 by the time we drove up to the door of my villa, and my 
 servant informed me "that a gentleman was waiting to see 
 me in the drawing-room," I had worked myself up into a 
 state of nervousness and agitation, the least calculated to 
 get me well through the business upon which I concluded 
 the gentleman " had called." 
 
 An interview of half an hour with Major O'Cleverly, who 
 turned out to be my visitor, did not serve, as may be sup- 
 posed, to tranquillise my nerves. As my prophetic soul 
 had already taught me, the Major had called on the part 
 of Mr. Cotherstone, and was the bearer of a proposition, 
 to which I felt it quite impossible to accede. I was to pay 
 over the eighteen hundred immediately, as a proof of the 
 most satisfactory nature that I had no accusation to make 
 as to the manner in which it was won ; I was to apologise 
 for my intemperate behaviour the previous night, laying 
 the blame on the quantity of wine I had drunk, acted upon 
 by the excitement of high play, " and thus," concluded 
 the Major, drawing himself up to his ftdl height, with a 
 bland smile, " having made the ' cimaim.de honorable ' 
 customary amongst gentlemen, me friend Mr. Cotherstone 
 will be happy to look over this most unfortunate 'fracaw,' 
 and will be ready and willing — Bedad ! he's a good fellow, 
 Cotherstone ! — to shake hands with yerself, Mr. Nogo, and 
 say no more about it." I summoned up all my dignity to 
 reply with becoming pomposity to the Milesian ambas- 
 sador; and the upshot of it was that I referred him for 
 all further partictdars to my friend Captain Raffleton, at 
 that moment waiting in the next room. I thought this 
 announcement rather staggered the Major, and I must do 
 him the justice to say that throughout the whole proceed- 
 ings he was decidedly against warlike measures, if they 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 101 
 
 could possibly be avoided ; and no doubt it would haye 
 suited the purpose of himself and his confederate better 
 could they have succeeded in fleecing their pigeon quietly, 
 as they had one and all been before the public quite often 
 enough to make such a display by no means desirable. 
 
 Jack's interview with the Major soon came to a con- 
 clusion, my friend adopting a very high tone — distinctly 
 refusing on my part, to pay the money, or withdraw the 
 charge of cheating at play, which I had made against Mr. 
 Cotherstone, and expressing a perfect readiness on the part 
 of himself and his friend to abide the issue of the ordeal 
 of single combat, the preliminaries of which were duly 
 settled in my drawing-room during the Major's visit — 
 time and place arranged, and even a jocose allusion, on 
 O'Cleverly's part, to trains and steamboats, which might 
 allow of the survivor's escaping to the Continent. Jack's 
 reasons for this decided line of conduct were sensible enough 
 in their way, though I could not help thinking that, like 
 all men engaged as seconds in a duel, he did not quite see 
 the "last appeal" in so important a light as it appeared 
 to his principal. 
 
 " I do not think," said he, as he walked up and down 
 the lawn after the Major's departure, " that these fellows 
 will come to the scratch at last ; depend upon it, they do 
 not mean fighting. Their object, of course, is to get the 
 money, and they are trying to bully you into paying ; but 
 we must be firm with them, and after all, if worst comes to 
 the worst, we ' can wink and hold out iron ' as well as they 
 can — ^by the by, can you shoot any, Nogo ? " 
 
 I was forced to confess that my pistol practice was by no 
 means first-rate, and that, in fact, I had no idea of the 
 weapon whatever, had certainly never loaded one ; and very 
 much doubted if I had even "let one off." It was ac- 
 cordingly agreed upon that, if we heard nothing further 
 from " the enemy " before four o'clock that afternoon, we 
 should consider such silence tantamount to a declaration 
 of war, and prepare accordingly. Jack binding himself to 
 give me correct instructions as to the most authentic 
 manner of holding, levelling, and discharging my pistol, 
 with all and sundry niceties and arrangements peculiar to 
 the " duello." 
 
102 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 Wliat a long afternoon it was 1 I thought the shadows 
 on that shaven lawn would never lengthen : I could settle 
 to nothing : the uncertainty of my position was worrying 
 and annoying to a degree. I would have given anything 
 to have had the matter brought to a conclusion one way or 
 the other, even if that way was to produce the dreaded 
 encounter. I quite longed to take my ground, and fight it 
 out like a man. I wandered in and out of the house like 
 some unquiet spirit, smoked half a cigar, then threw it 
 away ; glanced listlessly over the newspaper ; even went 
 to the stables to look at my solitary hack, and found 
 myself wondering when I should ride him again, and un- 
 consciously quoting " the Arab's farewell to his steed." 
 Three o'clock had struck, and the last hour of suspense 
 was drawing on towards its close. At four we were to 
 consider ourselves " booked," and to make aU our pre- 
 parations accordingly. Jack was even then upstairs, 
 arranging his pistols, and humming a whole opera through 
 as he proceeded with his task, and I was wondering where 
 I should be tbis time to-morrow, and whether the sun 
 would be shining as brightly, and the birds warbling as 
 gaily, though I might be blind to sunshine and deaf to 
 song, when the train of my reflections was interrupted by 
 the tramp of a horse cantering up the grass ride that led 
 to the stables ; and ere I had time to conjecture whether 
 this was "the Major," with some pacific proposal or a 
 chance visitor fi:om the barracks, unconscious of our 
 dilemmas and ravenous for luncheon, Kate Cotherstone 
 galloped into the stable-yard, pale and dishevelled with 
 the speed at which she had been riding, and lovelier than 
 ever in her agitation and distress. 
 
 Ere I had recovered from my astonishment at her 
 sudden appearance, she had jumped off her horse, put her 
 arm within mine, and trembling all over like an aspen- 
 leaf, had walked me through the French windows into the 
 cool and half-darkened drawing-room, where she explained 
 to me in broken sentences the object of her unusual visit. 
 As far as I could make out — for Kate's nervousness, too 
 evidently not assumed, made her at times rather incoherent 
 — she had heard our voices raised as if in anger, when her 
 father and I parted the previous night : she saw in the 
 
±X±JJJtJJAJL M^WITW 
 
 103 
 
 morning, by Cotherstone's manner, that something was 
 wrong ; and when the Major arrived, at so unusual an hour 
 as nine o'clock, evidently in consequence of a summonsfrom 
 his friend, she felt satisfied from her previous experience 
 in such matters that something serious was about to take 
 place. Brought up in a school not over-fastidious as to its 
 ideas of honour, the young lady had small scruple in 
 listening at her papa's door, and making herself mistress 
 of the conversation going on within, from which she learnt 
 the whole particulars of our disagreement, and the con- 
 templated duel. She was obliged to pretend to be ignorant 
 of everything till the time approached for her usual after- 
 noon ride, when, dismissing her groom, and concealing her 
 intentions from every one, she had galloped over to my 
 villa, in a state of mind not to be described. 
 
 " And promise me, Mr. Nogo — ^promise me, I beseech 
 you, that you will not allow this frightfttl business to end in 
 a duel. Heavens ! it is too horrible ! Any sacrifice would 
 be preferable. My poor father — a man twice your age ; 
 you never could lift your hand against him. If ever you 
 cared for me — and .there was a time — " said Kate, looking 
 lovely beyond conception, and not acting now, " There was 
 a time that you said my word should always be your law — 
 if ever you cared for me, I entreat you not to fight with 
 papa ! Promise me that you will agree to a reconciliation, 
 and the whole thing may be hushed up. What will people 
 say to my riding over here alone ? I have sacrificed my 
 character^ — surely you can make the comparatively trifling 
 sacrifice of foregoing this dreadful alternative ! " 
 
 What could I do ? Here was a yoimg, handsome girl, 
 one to whom I had certainly for a time been much attached, 
 pleading with me for the sake of her father ; using all the 
 advantages of her beauty, her position, and her distress ; 
 employing all the arguments and sophistry that fall so per- 
 suasively from woman's lips, to induce me to forego this 
 infernal duel, for which I had myself the smallest possible 
 inclination — what could any man do? Of course I gave 
 way, and promised her all and everything she required. 
 She was, for once, honest in her purpose : there was no 
 mistaking the daughter's eagerness and anxiety on the 
 father's behalf for anything but truth, and I flattered 
 
104 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 myself I saw more into Kate's character, and liked her 
 better, if I loved her less, during that painful half-hour, than 
 in our acquaintance and flirtations for weeks previously. The 
 upshot of it was, that I put the young lady again upon her 
 horse, after administering all the restoratives in my power 
 — outward applications of eau-de-Cologne, and inward con- 
 solation in the shape of a glass of brown sherry — happy in 
 my assured promise, that come what might, no power on 
 earth should induce me to harm a hair of her father's head, 
 and pledging my honour as a gentleman that no effort 
 should be wanting on my part to avoid the proposed 
 rencontre, and I then walked back into the house to relate 
 all that had taken place to Jack Eaffleton, who had dis- 
 creetly remained up-stairs during the whole time of Kate's 
 visit. "We talked it over again and again, but we could 
 make nothing of it : as Jack said, I had now succeeded in 
 entangling the whole affair in such a manner that it re- 
 quired a wiser head than his to set things straight. 
 
 " In the first place," argued my indignant friend, " we 
 have an Irishman to negotiate with ; then we have ' a leg ' 
 to deal with, whom we must either pay eighteen hundred, 
 or fight. He is utterly reckless, and can shoot like blazes ! 
 But that is neither here nor there. Then I have a 
 principal to act for who has never been concerned in an 
 affair of this kind before, and who consequently depends or 
 should depend wholly and solely on my experience. And 
 lastly, just as I have screwed him up, and brought him to 
 the scratch, a meddling little devil in ringlets comes poking 
 her nose in, to make a mess of everything ; and my Mend, 
 whose honour imperatively requires that he should go out 
 and be shot at, the first thing to-morrow morning, pledges 
 his honov/r that he will do nothing of the kind ; and I am 
 expected to reconcile all these impossibilities and contra- 
 dictions. By Jove ! it's enough to provoke a saint ! I'll 
 tell you what, Nogo — fight you must. I can't help what 
 you have promised : the Major and I settled this morning, 
 that unless certain terms were agreed to, there was only 
 one course. You are now in my hands : it is my duty to 
 see you through this without loss of character; and, by 
 heavens ! fight i/om shall ! " 
 
 Mine was the weaker mind — the more yielding spirit — 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 105 
 
 and again I gave way. The events of that afternoon 
 almost made me doubt my own free agency. I seemed to 
 be a shuttlecock, bandied to and fro between Jack, the 
 Major, and Kate ; and the only privilege of self-will that I 
 reserved to myself was a determination to shoot in any 
 direction but that of Mr. Cotherstone, thereby redeeming 
 my promise to his daughter, and careless whether, by such 
 a course, I might or might not endanger the safety of his 
 second with a stray bullet. Ere Jack's remonstrances 
 were completed, and I had come to this conclusion, the 
 hour for our quiet little dinner had arrived ; and just as we 
 were sitting down, who should make his appearance, to add 
 to the inconveniences of the day, but Captain Clare, accom- 
 panied, as usual, by young Fitz-Arthur. We could not do 
 less than ask them to join us in our early meal ; and the 
 pair, who had been on horseback all day, concocting some 
 robbery, which they called " a good thing," were too happy 
 to anticipate their usual dinner-hour, and do justice to our 
 hospitality. The bottle of light claret, which Jack had so 
 fondly anticipated, very soon multiplied itself into half a 
 dozen. The new arrivals were both particularly agreeable 
 men ; Jack himself, especially when he had anything on 
 his hands, was one of the pleasantest fellows in England ; 
 and there I sat in that cheerful room, with its open 
 windows and its lovely view, enjoying myself to the 
 utmost. Ay, incredible as it may appear, of all the merry 
 gatherings it has been my luck to attend, that was the one 
 at which my spirits were most buoyant, and my laughter 
 wildest and most hilarious — to which I look back with a 
 sense of the keenest, the most thrilling enjoyment. Could 
 it have been that the uncertainty — nay, the settled gloom — 
 that made the future too forbidding to contemplate, 
 enhanced beyond price the charm of the tangible present ? 
 Was it that the consciousness of peril and distress, of which 
 two of my companions could form no idea, gave to me, in 
 that separate existence which they were unable to appre- 
 ciate, a superiority that in such society I had never felt 
 before? Was it that something vsdthin told me the 
 resolution I had formed for Kate's sake was generous, and 
 true, and worthy of the days of chivalry ? or was it merely 
 the sense of impending danger that had so bracing and 
 
106 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 exhilarating an effect? I cannot tell. Probably Damo- 
 cles, who sat down to dinner every day with a sword sus- 
 pended over, his head by a single hair, might be able to 
 analyse my sensations and explain my feelings. But the 
 reaction came. Our guests were bound for London by an 
 evening train ; and as they lit their cigars, and mounted 
 their horses to depart, the sun was still above the horizon ; 
 and oh, how beautiful was the world, in the mellow lustre 
 of that calm June evening ! How could we, reprobates as 
 we were, dare to insult the majesty of nature, by the 
 pursuit on which we entered, as soon as our guests had 
 disappeared, and the coast was clear ? We had now no 
 time to lose in our preparations ; and the deep blue sky, 
 serene in its holiness, looked down upon the premeditated 
 guilt of two mortals, perfecting themselves by practice to 
 destroy the life of a fellow-creature. With an accuracy 
 that nothing but long experience could have attained. Jack 
 had paced out the established twelve yards, from the trunk 
 of a giant elm that shaded the lawn of our abode. A large 
 sheet of white paper served as an excellent target ; and, 
 placed at duelling distance, I commenced my first lesson 
 in the use of the pistol. Twelve paces is no very great 
 interval between two gentlemen with arms in their hands ; 
 but to those who have never made the attempt, it is extra- 
 ordinary how often an object, the size of a man, may be 
 missed, even at that range by an inexperienced practitioner. 
 Certainly my nerves were not in the best shooting trim, 
 and the way in which I had been spending the last four- 
 and-twenty hours was not likely to be conducive to 
 accuracy of eye or steadiness of hand ; and I blazed away 
 some half-dozen times without the slightest effect upon my 
 gigantic antagonist, whose gnarled and knotted trunk 
 remained scatheless as before. At last I hit him, though 
 about ten feet from the ground ; and Jack, out of patience 
 with my repeated failures and slow progress, exclaimed, 
 " This will never do ! I'll set the hair-triggers, Nogo ; 
 and mind what you are about with them. Above all, be 
 steady." The hair-triggers were accordingly set. The 
 pistols, as Jack assured me, were true as rifles ; and, cer- 
 tainly, the mechanism of the locks, and the manner in 
 which these fine triggers went off at the slightest con- 
 
TILBUBY NOGO ' 107 
 
 ceivable touch, was curious in the extreme. I took one out 
 of his hands, and bringing the sight to bear with all the 
 accuracy I could command, succeeded in planting a bullet 
 well into the sheet of white paper, then doing duty as an 
 antagonist. " Bravo, Nogo ! " said Jack ; " this is what 
 you required ! " and, with a smile, he handed me the 
 remaining weapon, prepared; as before, to go off at the 
 very lightest touch. I had just taken it into my hands, 
 with some remark eulogistic of its properties, when 
 " bang ! " I was startled by a sudden explosion right 
 under my face, that made me leap three feet from the 
 grotmd. The next moment I felt a thrill in one of my 
 arms, as though suddenly seared with a red-hot iron. I 
 was conscious of every pulsation in my braia, beatiag 
 with a sound like the stroke of a church-clock. I heard 
 Jack's voice, thick and indistinct as the shouts of a multi- 
 tude. The giant elm and the evening sky were swimming 
 before my eyes ; the short, mossy turf, to which I seemed 
 suddenly so close, was heaving around me. I grasped it 
 with the clutch of a drowning man. Of that last effort I 
 have the most vivid recollection — ^but I can remember no 
 more. 
 
CHAPTER Xn 
 
 And they will learn you by rote where services were done — ^who came 
 off bravely, who was shot, who disfigured — and this they can perfectly 
 in the phrase of war ; but you must learn to know such slanders of the 
 age, or else you may be marvellously mistook. — Benry V. 
 
 Now Lord be thanked for my good amends. 
 
 Taming of the Shrew. 
 
 People may talk of the blessings of health, and doiihtless 
 without health there can he hut little enjoyment in any 
 pleasur,e which life can bestow ; but of all delightful sensa- 
 tions commend me to those of what medical men call 
 " convalescence," when every hour brings fresh proof of 
 returning strength, and every function of Nature is alone 
 busied in the one great object of " getting well." The 
 sturdy labourer, whose frame and appearance are the very 
 types of "rude health," might have envied the soundness 
 of my sleep and the keenness of my appetite during the 
 fortnight or three weeks which restored to me the use of 
 the arm I had myself so provokingly injured. In an airy 
 and cheerful lodging, in a quiet street not very far from the 
 Park, with all the new novels to read, with all my 
 acquaintances delighted to while away an idle hour in my 
 society, with the most agreeable of doctors, who persisted in 
 looking upon me as a hero who after several exchanges of 
 shot had at length been taken unwillingly off the ground 
 with an injury that nothing but his own skill could have 
 healed, I found the confinement to one room and the 
 regimen required of a patient anything but tedious or dis- 
 
 108 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 109 
 
 Jack Baffleton, who had been kindness itself after the 
 accident, and who perseveringly cursed his own stupidity 
 in ever trusting " such a muff as Nogo with hair-triggers," 
 had arranged my " affair " with Cotherstone with a tact 
 peculiarly his own. Pay I certainly did, but not to any very 
 large amount ; and as the musical sharper was compelled 
 to leave England on business of his own, at very short 
 notice — in fact, was in that pleasant predicament which 
 the Yankees call " a fix," having made Tattersall's too hot 
 to hold him, and got into some stock-jobbing scrape into 
 the bargain — a compromise was effected, by which, in con- 
 sideration of certain " value received," nothing more was 
 to be said,_on either side, as to his ingenious method of 
 playing icarti, or my non-appearance at our matutinal 
 trysting-place. 
 
 The worst of it was the manner in which those infernal 
 Sunday papers got hold, as usual, of the wrong end of the 
 story ; and as each had its own absurd version, of course 
 from the very best authority, my leisure was amused with 
 paragraphs such as the following : — 
 
 " A hostile meeting is stated to have taken place between a well-known 
 Bporting character and a young and fashionable millionaire (?). The 
 parties met on Tumble-down Common, and we regret to say that both 
 were severely wounded. Two military gentlemen officiated as seconds. 
 Of course until a judicial investigation has taken place, more especially 
 as one of the combatants is in immediate danger, it would be premature 
 to give the names of these offenders against the law." 
 
 "We have to record a rencontre of a hostile nature which has taken 
 place between Mr. T-1-b-r-y N-g-o and J. C-th-st-ne, Esq. The causa 
 tetenima belli is said to have been the attentions paid by the former 
 gentleman to the fascinating and beautiful daughter of the latter. Mr. 
 N-g-o was attended on the ground by.the Hon. Capt. B-fi-t-n, and the 
 weU-known Major O'C-v-r-ly officiated for Mr. C-th-st-ne. Both gentle- 
 men fired in the air I " 
 
 " The duello again I Another of these unmanly and un-English 
 performances has again taken place, in the vicinity of Ascot, and on 
 the very ground immortalised by the game and never-to-be-forgotten 
 struggle between ' The British Buster ' and ' Turner's Black.' Our 
 readers need hardly be reminded that exhausted Nature gave way, and 
 the ' Buster ' ceased to breathe after fighting the unprecedented number 
 of 157 rounds 1 And now two assassins have desecrated this hallowed 
 spot ; and instead of settling their differences by ' peeling ' and ' to 
 it like men,' have had recourse to the cowardly pistol as an arbiter 
 of their quarrel. England I indeed thy glory hath departed ; and 
 our upper classes have themselves to thank foi: hastening thy decay." 
 
110 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 Such were a few of the versions furnished by these 
 caterers for the amusement of the public. The lUvmmated 
 Gazette presented its readers with an exceedingly well- 
 composed tableau, in which were portraits of the two 
 belligerents, their seconds, and Kate Cotherstone in the 
 distance. The great daily organ of public opinion itself 
 found room to insert a couple of lines, in which the whole 
 business was disposed of under the heading " Determined 
 Suicide by a Gentleman : " and as far as my unfortunate 
 accident was concerned, this was perhaps nearer the truth 
 than any of them. But the Morning Muffineer, that 
 chronicle of the fashionable world, was more mysterious, 
 and yet more diffuse, than all the rest of its contemporaries 
 put together. First of all it had heard of " a rumoured 
 fracas in the higher circles, involving impleasant dis- 
 closures, and ending in a personal collision." Then, " it 
 was whispered that the elopement of a young lady in the 
 vicinity of Windsor had led to a hostUe encounter between 
 the gay Lothario and offended parent, in which the latter 
 was severely wounded." After this, " it was informed that 
 the late * affair ' between two well-known sporting gentle- 
 men, had its origin in certain play transactions to a large 
 amount : the younger belligerent lies dangerously wounded 
 at his house in town." Lastly, it stated boldly that it 
 was happy to hear Mr. Nogo was rapidly recovering from 
 the effects of his wound, and that amputation was for- 
 tunately unnecessary. Mr., Mrs., and Miss Cotherstone 
 have taken their departure for the continent." 
 
 With all these paragraphs, and with all the different 
 stories told by my different friends, each knowing his own 
 version "for a fact," I was quite a hero during the nine 
 days that elapsed, before some fresher " wonder " called off 
 the attention of the gossiping and the idle. I began to 
 think at last that I was in truth the champion they took 
 me for ; and although I could not quite persuade myself 
 that I had actually received Cotherstone's fire, I took all 
 the credit of having screwed my courage up to fighting 
 pitch, and was firmly persuaded that I should have gone 
 through the affair with as much coolness and determination 
 as everybody seemed to think I had, more particularly as 
 Jack Eaffleton himself declared, "Nogo showed a great 
 
TILBUBY NOGO HI 
 
 deal more pluck than he should have expected — but 
 nervous, confoundedly nervous." 
 
 My little doctor, as well, added largely to this hallucina- 
 tion ; nothing would persuade him that the wound to which 
 he applied so much surgical skill was the effect of accident ; 
 and although, like other well-principled men, he abhorred 
 duelling in the abstract, still he could not divest himself 
 of a certain degree of interest and admiration when brought 
 into personal contact with a man whom he believed to 
 have "stood fire" unfliachingly. How often we see this 
 amongst mankind ! 
 
 I am afraid more of us are cowards at heart than we 
 would fain believe, as it is only to the principle of 
 cowardice that we can attribute a blind admiration of that 
 which is in itself wrong, merely because accompanied by 
 a personal risk that we dare not ourselves incur. Woman 
 is supposed to be most susceptible to the fascination of 
 courage from her own deficiency in that quality; and it 
 must be something of woman's weakness in our hearts that 
 makes us gaze with approbation, which amounts almost to 
 envy, at the prize-fighter or the steeple-chase rider, Van 
 Amburgh in his cage, or Mr. Green in his parachute. 
 
 Doctor Dotterell was besides, like many who belong to 
 the graver professions, devoted in theory to those field 
 sports from which in practice he was debarred by his 
 business ; and if there was one thing the Doctor was really 
 proud of, it was a certain black cob, the image of himself, 
 which he drove with the careful and sedulous air of a daily 
 coachman working a heavy load for a long distance over a 
 bad road. His gloves and hat betokened "the Jehu" — 
 the rest of his " get up " was strictly professional ; but 
 the Doctor at heart preferred BeU's Life to all the 
 pharmacopoeia, and looked forward to his week's partridge- 
 shooting with his cousin in September, more than to all the 
 rest of the year put together. Now he had taken it into 
 his head that his patient, Mr. Nogo, was a sportsman of 
 the very highest calibre ; an infatuation first suggested by 
 my admiration of the black cob — a really clever, serviceable 
 little animal. And a few words which I happened to drop 
 alluding to Leicestershire, Scotland, and other sporting 
 localities, served to confirm him in this opinion, to a 
 
112 TILBUBY NOaO 
 
 degree which was inexpressibly ludicrous, when, as was 
 often the case, he asked my opinion upon some matter of 
 elephant-shooting or tiger-hunting, of which I knew as 
 much as the man in the moon. 
 
 " Regular exercise, Mr. Nogo," he would say — " regular 
 exercise will soon set us on our legs again, when once the 
 injury to the 'biceps' is sufficiently restored to admit of 
 personal exertion. To a man like yourself, devoted to the 
 sports of the field, and accustomed to negotiate the ox- 
 fences of Leicestershire, and to breathe your lungs in the 
 pure air, and up the steep hills of the Highlands, I need 
 not insist on the necessity of vigorous muscular exertion. 
 I am myself always in better health when partridge-shoot- 
 ing with my cousin in Berkshire, and Mrs. Dotterell 
 declares I am never so well as when I come home fagged 
 and tired after ranging the stubbles with dog and gun. 
 We must provide some suistitute, Mr. Nogo, even in 
 London, for this kind of severe exercise ; and if I might 
 venture to recommend a little fencing, or even — ahem — 
 sparring, whilst you remain in town, I think I may stake 
 my professional reputation that you will acknowledge the 
 benefit of my advice." Such was ever the burden of the 
 good little doctor's song ; and I verily believe that in his 
 own heart he was firmly persuaded that if a man could 
 only remain in a state of profuse perspiration in the open 
 air, during twelve hours out of the twenty-four, he would 
 live for ever. 
 
 After the worthy Esculapius had taken his final departure, 
 and I had for the last time indulged myself by watching the 
 knowing manner in which he patted the black cob, glanced 
 over the "tackle," as he called the harness appertaining to 
 his one-horse chaise, shook his beaver into its place on his 
 little round head, drew on his gloves, and squared his 
 elbows, preparatory to turning the corner into the next 
 street, where another patient resided, I bethought myself 
 seriously of following his advice ; and feeling that my arm 
 was now as strong as ever, and that a sedentary life with 
 an increasing appetite had brought about the usual effect 
 of making all my waistcoats too tight, I resolved on putting 
 myself into the hands of some professor of self-defence, 
 who whilst he knocked me about for his amusement, and 
 
TILBUBT NOaO 113 
 
 worked me into a state of complete exhaustion for my 
 improvement in condition as for his own benefit in pocket, 
 should teach me that noble science, so useful at Yauxhall 
 OT Cremome when the ambitious snob, or slightly inebriated 
 "gent," vapouring about "punching heads," or in his 
 vinous courage too abruptly coming to conclusions with a 
 graduate in the art, finds perchance that he has unwittingly 
 "caught a Tartar." Besides, I was now considered, 
 amongst my friends and acquaintance, " a determined sort 
 of feUow," "a man of undoubted pluck," "as game as a 
 pebWe, and stands no nonsense ; " and it would be quite 
 in keeping with this sort of character, that I should be 
 able, if necessary, to vindicate my reputation in a chance 
 row, or hand-to-hand conflict with some too " bumptious " 
 adversary of the baser sort. 
 
 Accordingly, after a consultation with several of my 
 young associates, beardless Guardsmen, and fast clerks in 
 public offices — ^but one and all appearing to know every- 
 thing that was to be learnt in London, and never to be at 
 a lo^s — ^it was decided that I should immediately enter 
 upon a course of tuition fi-om the hands, or rather the 
 knuckles, of no less a person than " The Muff of the 
 Minories" himself. This was indeed a cause for self- 
 gratulation, "The Muff" being acknowledged as the best' 
 glove-fighter of the day. His career in the ring had been, 
 as he himself allowed, unfortunate. Out of five appearances, 
 two battles had gone against him, as he said, by gross 
 partiality on the part of the referee, his enemies declaring 
 that each event was what is familiarly denominated " a 
 cross." Of the third contest in which this hero was 
 engaged, it is only necessary to say, that he was deprived 
 of the laurels which he considered his due, by going down 
 ignominiously, without a blow ; as in the fourth he himself 
 purposely delivered a foul stroke on the body of his 
 antagonist. An opportunity, however, again offered itself 
 for wiping away the stain of previous defeats, and the 
 fancy invested largely on " The Muff," in his great match 
 for 100 sovs. a-side, with the " Slasher of St. Giles." 
 Money was posted, articles entered into, a referee agreed 
 upon, time and place named, and for once the battle 
 was fought upon the square. Fortune favours the brave, 
 
 9 
 
114 TILBUEY NOGO 
 
 " The Slasher," though of smaller proportions and lighter 
 build, beat his man out of time in the first ten minutes ; 
 and from that hour " The Muff" bade adieu to the Prize 
 Eing, and devoted himself to the infinitely more agreeable 
 and lucrative pursuit of knocking gentlemen about in their 
 own private apartments. Of his personal appearance I 
 need only state that he was a low, deep-chested, powerful 
 man, very much let down in the shoulders, which gave him 
 an appearance of being smaller in every way than he really 
 was; and rejoicing in what is appropriately termed "a 
 fighting nob," namely, a villainous-looking countenance, 
 with deep-set twinkling eyes, projecting lips, and a broken 
 nose. 
 
 Such was the worthy that, much to my servant's 
 astonishment, made his appearance in my lodgings im- 
 mediately after breakfast, one sweltering morning in July, 
 and suggesting " beer " as his favourite refreshment in 
 reply to my hospitable inquiries, pulled his extremely 
 short hair, as he offered his " sarvice " to me ere he buried 
 his unprepossessing physiognomy in the gratefd pewter. 
 This ceremony concluded, the professor calmly expectorated 
 on my French carpet, and expressed his readiness to com- 
 mence the lesson, premising that as his was the only 
 method of teaching the art of boxing, it would be as well 
 were I at once to dismiss from my mind, and endeavour 
 totally to forget all my previous knowledge on the subject, 
 to me by no means a difficult task. 
 
 "Most of 'em teaches nothink," argued "The Muff;" 
 "but I teaches this — ^to keep the 'ands allays ready to 
 ' stop ' and to ' return,' and above all, never to parry a 
 blow with your 'ead." 
 
 I was by this time placed "in position," and the latter 
 self-evident maxim being enforced by a lightning rap, 
 which made my eyes water and my nose swell, served to 
 convince me that my present attitude of self-defence was 
 one in which every portion of my frame was most utterly 
 helpless. Do what I would, turn which way I might, the 
 professor's glove struck, true as clock-work, exactly between 
 my eyes ; and as the lesson proceeded, so did my firm con- 
 viction that nature had never intended me for a bruiser, 
 and that art would never succeed in making me one. Did 
 

 " The latter was certain to come in flusli on my moutli." 
 Tilbury Nogo.] IPage U5 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 115 
 
 " The Muff" generously devote his ugly face as a target to 
 my blows, encouraging me to " 'it out ! let it come from 
 the shoulder," and reassuring me with the faithful promise 
 that there should be "no reprisals," a sharp electric pain 
 in my elbow-joint warned me that all my strenuous 
 exertions were "lost in air," and the forbidding object at 
 which I aimed was still untouched. Did I summon up all 
 my fortitude and resolution to parry the adversary's rapid 
 blow, even if I succeeded in escaping the first half of what 
 he called his " one, two," the latter was as certain to come 
 in "flush" on mouth or nose, as it was to confuse and 
 utterly bewilder all my ideas ; and thankful was I indeed 
 when the lesson came to a conclusion, which it did at the 
 same time as the beer; "The Muff of the Minories " 
 taking his departure with a kind promise that he would 
 be with me at the same hour regularly, " Tuesdays, 
 Thursdays, and Saturdays," and leaving with me two 
 tickets for a sparring benefit, for which I paid him the 
 sum of ten shillings, and an odour of violent exercise, 
 which open doors and windows seemed unable to alle- 
 viate. 
 
 According to promise, these lessons of chamber practice 
 were day after day repeated; and by dint of constant 
 pommelling, I did certainly in time obtain sufficient quick- 
 ness to guard my own face, at least from the assaults of 
 my instructor, to whose method I was getting accustomed. 
 A hard hitter I should never have become, nor will all the 
 painstaking in the world give a man that facility of " letting 
 out," which depends, like swift bowling or long throwing 
 at cricket, entirely upon natural formation ; but I began to 
 be able to " spar " in a sort of way, and from feeling 
 tolerably at home "with the gloves," foolishly imagined 
 that I should prove a dangerous "customer" in a real 
 fight. 
 
 The primary object, however, for which I had engaged 
 " The Muff's " services was now gained — my health and 
 strength were thoroughly re-established, my muscles 
 enlarged, and my weight decreased. 
 
 The vigorous exercise of my mornings made a ride in 
 the park quite unnecessary in a salubrious point of view, 
 and I began to take up a strong penchant for driving. My 
 
116 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 phaeton horses were well-bitted, quiet, and perfect as 
 animals could be; and emboldened by the success with 
 which I steered them through the crowded streets of 
 London, I bethought me that it was a pity to waste so 
 much good coachmanship upon a pair, and that I, as well 
 as others, might aspire to the honours of " a drag " and " a 
 team." Besides, a coach would be so useful to my friends ; 
 for since my scrape with Kate Cotherstone, I lived entirely 
 amongst a " man " set. I could take my party to races, 
 to Eichmond, and to Greenwich ; and now that I had set 
 up as a sporting character, it would be the very thing to 
 have fellows talking about "Nogo's coach," and Nogo's 
 charioteering talents. The idea once broached was not 
 long in being carried out. 
 
 Of all people in the world, who should call on me, one 
 morning, as I was thinking over my scheme, but Segundo ? 
 ■ — ^the very man to put me in the way of doing that which 
 I was now so ambitious to effect. Poor fellow ! he looked 
 thin and careworn, and was more seedy in his dress and 
 appearance than formerly; in fact, his object in seeing me 
 was to request some pecuniary assistance, which, small as 
 it was, I unhesitatingly offered. As we warmed in con- 
 versation, and talked over old times, his ancient swagger 
 and quaint fun began to peep out; but he was still 
 mysterious as ever as to what he had been doing, or where 
 living since I saw him last ; all I could gather was that he 
 had been abroad, and, notwithstanding all his talents and 
 pursuits, had been at times wofully "hard-up." He 
 jumped at the notion of a drag ; in fact, as he said, it was 
 quite in his line. " The very thing, Nogo. I saw this 
 morning a capital coach, to be sold for a mere song. She 
 is as good as new, dark-green picked out with red ; the 
 man she belongs to is in hiding, but I know where he is, 
 and you can have her for half nothing, money down. I 
 saw you driving two bay horses yesterday, in the park, 
 that would make perfect wheelers ; and we can pick 
 up a couple of leaders on Monday, at Tattersall's (at 
 least you can send your groom to do so — I shall not 
 be able to go there for a week or two), for five-and- 
 twenty pounds a-piece. Capital ! I'll go and buy the coach 
 directly." And without more ado, away marched my friend, 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 111 
 
 looking more himself, now that he had got something 
 to arrange, than he had done during the whole time we 
 sat together. 
 
 The coach was soon bought ; a very handsome chestnut 
 with a game leg, and a little grey mare, were purchased at 
 Tattersall's for no large sum, as leaders ; and after a few 
 early lessons round the parks, with Segundo on the box as 
 my Mentor (in fact he did me the favour of breakfasting^ 
 dining, and living with me altogether), I thought myself as 
 capable of taking my team and my load down to a convivial 
 Greenwich dinner-party as any one of the knights of the 
 whip that start weekly from the Crown and Sceptre or the 
 Trafalgar. 
 
 The morning rehearsals having proceeded so favourably, 
 a performance in public was soon decided on ; and ten days' 
 notice enabled me to secure a sufficiently numerous coach- 
 load of swells to grace my drag on its downward journey to 
 Greenwich, there to eat turtle, flounders, and white-bait, 
 and drink bad-wine, at my expense. Sunday, I am ashamed 
 to say, was the day chosen for our demonstration ; nor do I 
 understand why, amongst all the days of the week, that 
 should be the one invariably set apart for the noisiest and 
 most convivial gathering afforded by the hebdomadal list of 
 engagements which decorates the chimney-piece of a man 
 about town. 
 
 However, Sunday came, and with it my well-appointed 
 drag, and really neat-looking team. We were to take our 
 departure from Limmer's — ^that unceremonious hostelry, 
 whose doors, like those of another much-thronged locality, 
 stand open "night and day." In fact, so careless are its 
 inhabitants of times and seasons, that I well remember one 
 of its most constant frequenters giving as a reason for his 
 preference, that he could not enjoy the same comfort else- 
 where, of never knowing what o'clock it was. " I sleep," 
 he said, "till I feel inclined to get up. My bed-room 
 always requires candles ; and when I come down and order 
 breakfast after the rest of the world have dined, the waiter 
 looks as little surprised as if ten o'clock at night was the 
 usual time for every one to begin the day." From this 
 accommodating "Liberty Hall" we started accordingly. 
 And Segundo, who sat by me on the box, had indeed done- 
 
118 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 his best to get together a very agreeable and merry party. 
 All that were in difficulties, all that were in debt, seemed 
 to congregate upon the roof of my coach; and such an 
 array of curling whiskers, trim moustaches, well-brushed 
 hats, and choice spirits, I have seldom seen even on that 
 much-affected road. 
 
 We left a volume of smoke behind us that would not 
 have shamed a goods-train on the London and North- 
 Western ; for lips ringing with jest, fun, and repartee were 
 graced with regalias, the shortest of which must have 
 averaged eighteen inches. We called, according to promise, 
 for Lord Loosefish, at his lodgings in Bond-street, and 
 proceeded thence boldly down St. James's-street, recklessly 
 braving the ordeal of the bay-window at White's. Confound 
 that chestnut leader ! how short he went upon the stones ! 
 I knew, as well as if I heard it, that some splenetic dandy, 
 in that crowded morning-room, was good-naturedly remark- 
 ing to a brother-cynic — "Look here, Jim," or "Cis," or 
 " Bo," or whatever the familiar abbreviation might be — 
 " Look at that team of cripples ! " And the worst of it 
 was, I dared not hit him — ^I mean the chestnut — till we 
 were safe down the hill. However, I paid him off when 
 we turned the corner into Pall-Mail and with such good 
 wUl, that I caught the end of my thong in the grey 
 mare's splinter-bar. This set her a-kieking ; and had not 
 Segundo jumped down and put us right with wonderful 
 dexterity, I might never have got farther than the Carlton 
 Club. 
 
 London, on a Sunday, is not overcrowded with vehicles ; 
 and we got on swimmingly till we arrived at Westminster 
 Bridge. Here, a trifling and momentaiy indecision on my 
 part got us jammed in between two omnibuses, a hired 
 barouche, and an extremely impertinent Hansom cab. 
 The knot, however, at length untied itself ; and, thanks to 
 Segundo's advice and injunction, " Now go on, Nogo — ^now 
 a little to the right — don't let this fellow cut in ! " we 
 cleared the metropolis triumphantly, and bowled up to the 
 door of the Trafalgar without any further impediment or 
 hindrance. 
 
 I have but a misty recollection of the dinner, since, not- 
 withstanding the predominant idea in my mind, that I must 
 
TILBUB7 NOGO 119 
 
 keep sober to drive my party back to town, the clatter 
 of plates, the confasion of tongues, the constant challenges 
 to slake a throat on fire from devilled white-bait, the fiin 
 and merriment, to say nothing of cigars and singing, were 
 enough to confase a stronger brain than mine. Notwith- 
 stan£ng my endeavours to the contrary ; notwithstanding 
 that my contribution to the amusements of the company 
 was confined to applauding and " encoring" their songs — 
 songs of which " love was the theme," the material, how- 
 ever, far outstripping the ideal ; notwithstanding my reso- 
 lution to avoid "mixing my liquors," and my stedfast 
 adherence to champagne and sherry, I cannot but think 
 I must have been a little exhilarated, possibly by the 
 turtle, inasmuch as I have reason to believe that upon 
 several different occasions I invited the whole party to dine 
 ■with me again on that day week, in the same locality — a 
 sentiment received with shouts of applause, and carried 
 without a dissentient voice. 
 
 The dinner being mine, the bill — that bitter ingredient 
 in the cup of pleasure — was upon this occasion dispensed 
 with; and the midnight hour was rapidly approaching, 
 when Segundo whispered to me to come and look after the 
 drag, as it was time to be off. My absence was the 
 immediate signal for loud shouts of applause : I presume 
 my friends were again drinking my health ; and if I might 
 judge by their shrieks of laughter, the toast was accompanied 
 by some very humorous observations. 
 
 With supernatural gravity, I walked down-stairs, and, 
 guided by its two lamps glaring fiercely through the sur- 
 rounding darkness, I found my drag, to which Segundo, 
 sober as a judge (which I must do him the justice to say he 
 always was, whatever quantity of wine he swallowed), and 
 two rather incoherent ostlers, were busily harnessing my 
 impatient team. "You're no use here, Nogo," said he, 
 vrith his usual abruptness. " Go and get some soda-water, 
 and try to coach us home steadily. I'll sit on the box 
 vnth you." No more satisfactory reply occurring to me at 
 the moment, I indistinctly stated that " It was all right," 
 and meandered my way through the darkness back again 
 towards the house, to administer the sedative Segundo 
 recommended. 
 
120 TILBUBT NOGO 
 
 I never knew exactly how it happened, but all at once I 
 found myself engaged in a lively discussion with a sort of 
 half-ostler half horse-dealer-looking fellow, who accused me 
 violently of having shoved against " his missis," as he called 
 her, and gave me a good deal of friendly advice as to 
 supporting my claim to be considered a gentleman by 
 behaving "as sich." What I had done to raise his ire, I 
 could not guess ; but, casting my eyes over his corporeal 
 proportions as well as the darkness would allow, it occurred 
 to me that now was the time to put in practice all the 
 advantages of that science which " The Muff of the 
 Minories" had so sedulously taught me, and, assuming 
 a strikingly-imposing attitude, I threatened to stand no 
 more nonsense, but to punch my antagonist's head. Not 
 a word did the little man reply ; but, ere I could well 
 distinguish his features in the darkness, I received " one " 
 between the eyes, and another in the waistcoat, that made 
 a flash vivid as the lightning start from the one spot, 
 whilst all the breath in my body seemed to take an instant 
 departure from the other. It was in vain to " spar," and 
 "feint," and "guard," and try to "counter:" the little 
 man might have no science, but, confound him ! he could 
 fight like a good one ; and, after the most disagreeable five 
 minutes I ever recollect to have spent, Segundo came to 
 my assistance, to find me breathless, bleeding, and 
 dishevelled — ^very angry, but inwardly resolved never again 
 to " box without the muffle ; " my active antagonist taking 
 to his heels, with this pithy remark : " There's more of 'em 
 coming, I make no doubt ; but I've sarved that one out, 
 at any rate — ^blow me ! " 
 
 Much was the condolence I received from my friends ; nor, 
 in my account of the transaction, did I think it necessary 
 to state that my adversary was, to the best of my knowledge, 
 untouched : on the contrary, I left it to be inferred that we 
 had both given and taken severe punishment ; that I knew 
 the " party " as a low " fighting man," but that I should 
 have paid him off handsomely, had he not run away; 
 and finally, swore that my revenge was only put off to 
 a more convenient season. 
 
 Despite of Segundo's remonstrances, I expressed my 
 determination, mauled as I was, to drive back to town, 
 
TILBVBY NOGO 121 
 
 incited thereto by sundry audible expressions of encourage- 
 ment and approbation, to the effect that I was a "rare 
 good plucked one," " game to the back-bone," &c. ; and 
 lighting a fresh cigar, whieh smarted uncommonly against 
 my cut and swollen lip, I took hold of the team, bid my 
 charge " sit tight," and were soon rolling rapidly through 
 the darkness, with the lights of Greenwich far in our 
 rear. 
 
 It is wonderful — nay, providential — ^that more accidents 
 do not happen at night to those aspiring spirits who love 
 to drive after dinner. Certainly, horses go freer and 
 pleasanter in the cool night-air, run more up to their 
 bits, and consequently are less liable to get into scrapes ; 
 but many a Jehu, I fear, gets upon his box to guide the 
 more rational animal home, whose own legs would hardly 
 convey him safe across Piccadilly. How far I might have 
 walked without holding on, it is impossible to say ; but I 
 sat behind my free-going team with all the confidence of a 
 Peyton in days gone by. My horses, inspirited by the 
 cool breeze, and cheered by the melodious tones chaunting 
 in chorus behind them, shook their harness, and rattled 
 away merrily, as if they too had dined on white-bait and 
 champagne. Segundo, I could see, kept a watchful eye 
 upon the leaders, and was ready, at an instant's notice, to 
 take the reins ; but I laughed at him for his nervousness, 
 and, for a time, all went prosperously as could be. 
 
 "Pride goes before a fall." I was just congratulating 
 myself on my triumphant dSbut as a coachman, and Segundo 
 had relaxed his attention sufQciently to turn round and get 
 a light from the man behind him, when bang ! ere I could 
 pull them up, or pull them off, or pull them anywhere, my 
 leaders ran slap into the ill-omened cart of an early fish- 
 monger, or a belated baker; and, ere I could scarce tell 
 what had happened, my wheelers were on to Mm, my pole 
 was threatening him with instant impalement, and harness, 
 horses, baker, and cart were all mixed up in a state of 
 terrific confusion, that to this day it makes me shudder to 
 think of. Segundo and the load were down in an instant ; 
 the baker, or whatever he was, behaved like a trump ; but 
 the smash was irremediable, and we returned ignominiously 
 to town with an humble pair. 
 
122 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 I may remark that the grey mare — an animal of an 
 irritable disposition — ^kicked herself clear of everything; 
 and the chestnut horse's game leg was tcom that day 
 " gamer " than ever. 
 
CHAPTER Xm 
 
 Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; 
 
 The best of life is but intoxication. 
 Glory — the grape — ^love — ^war : in these are sunk 
 
 The hopes of all men, and of every nation ; 
 Without their sap, how leafless were the trunk 
 
 Of life's strange tree, so fruitful on occasion 1 
 But to return — Get very drunk ; and when 
 
 Tou wake with headache, you shall see what then. 
 
 A Greenwich dinner — comprising as it does every variety 
 of eatable and drinkable capable of being consumed by that 
 omnivorous animal, man — followed by a sharp and breath- 
 less set-to, in which the individual lately replenished has 
 indubitably come by the worst, is not by any means fair 
 usage of a digestion which has abeady been taxed beyond 
 its powers by the numerous and successive entertainments 
 of a London season. It has been the opinion of many 
 deep and experienced medical men, borne out by the 
 example of the brute species, and corroborated by the 
 natural tendency to slumber so apt to steal over those 
 who have dined "not wisely, but too well," that the 
 process of digestion goes on best in a state of perfect 
 repose, and that all extra-expenditure of vigour, whether 
 of mind or body, unfairly deprives the stomach of that 
 energy which can alone enable it to cope with the mighty 
 task of reducing and arranging its various contents into an 
 orderly and health-restoring whole. 
 
 " Throw your feet on a chair," says good Dr. Elitchener, 
 " to the end that all your powers may be concentrated upon 
 that one important organ." 
 
 "Drink a bottle of port, with deliberation and gusto, in 
 
 123 
 
Ii24 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 the society of some agreeable and long-appreciated friend," 
 says another valetudinarian and hon-vivamt. 
 
 "Bring me a cigar and the bill," exclaims the very bag- 
 man, to whom time is of the utmost importance, and yet 
 who' seduces himself with the black, acrid cabbage-leaf 
 that wreathes its foul yellow vapour around his shining 
 physiognomy, into the belief that he is soothing his nerves 
 and assisting his digestion, with the pause of contemplation 
 and repose that serves to consume that truly British cigar. 
 
 Not a labourer but smokes his pipe in peace after his 
 much-relished and much-required meal. Not a sailor, 
 miner, hillman, or operative, but devotes a few spare 
 minutes of his valuable time to that species of rumination 
 which he catches instinctively from the very cattle who 
 chew their cud so composedly and contentedly in the fields. 
 But one and all seem agreed that during the important 
 period which follows a heavy and hearty meal, any strong 
 muscular exertion of the body, any violent emotion of the 
 mind, is as prejudicial as it is disagreeable. Of all things, 
 then, a combat " a I'outrance " with the naked fists, com- 
 bining as it does the ungovernable passions of emulation, 
 anger, and fear, with the very severest description of 
 bodily exercise, must be the worst conceivable desert for a 
 sumptuous dinner; and if mere authority were necessary 
 to prove that, according to the Scotch proverb, slightly 
 altered, "It's illjighting between a fu' man and a fasting," 
 I need only quote the weU-known advice of that fine old 
 veteran, whose high principle and judicious practice shed a 
 lustre upon the annals of the prize-ring, in the days when 
 true British pluck and sterling British honesty regulated 
 that institution — the undaunted and unconquerable Jackson : 
 "You gentlemen," the old champion would observe, with a 
 grim smile, "you gentlemen generally get into aU your 
 rows after dinner — the worst possible time, either for giving 
 or taking punishment. You drink a fair share of wine after 
 eating a large and indigestible meal ; and you come across 
 some blackguard with whom you enter into an altercation, 
 that is pretty sure to end in a fight. ' Well,' you think, 
 ' now is the time to find out whether the science that 
 Jackson has taken such pains to teach me is of any use, or 
 whether he is an old humbug after all ! ' and you take your 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 125 
 
 coat off, and get your hands up. Now, mark me ! the 
 Uackguard dined at one o'clock, and beyond half a pint of 
 beer and a couple of whiffs from his pipe, he has had 
 nothing since. The consequence is, he is empty and in 
 good wind, as you soon discover, when after the first three 
 rounds he comes up fresh and handy, whilst you are hjtting 
 out all abrofid, blown and confused. The enemy is two 
 stone lighter than yourself, and shorter in the arms ; and 
 although his practice may have been greater, he has not 
 had your advantage of scientific tuition; and yet, much 
 to your surprise, you are getting the worst of it. Shall I 
 tell you what to do ? If you find you cannot polish him off 
 in one more round, there is a last resource — a manoeuvre I 
 have never yet known to fail, and which I strongly recom- 
 mend you to put in practice immediately: you give his 
 friend a guinea to take him away ! " 
 
 Would that I could transfer to paper the inimitable 
 humour with which the old hero used to come to the moral 
 of his tale — a moral borne out in many a street-row and 
 chance encounter, where the gentleman with all his courage 
 roused, and his chivalrous feelings excited by some un- 
 bearable piece of insolence or aggression on the part of an 
 inferior, has found himself most provokingly worsted in his 
 endeavours to inflict a well-merited punishment, by the 
 very state of things old Jackson so graphically described; 
 or even should his superior pluck carry him through, and 
 enable him to obtain a hard^won victory, it is mortifying 
 to find that, although he may remain master of the field, 
 and enjoy the empty glories of a triumph, he has sustained 
 a mauling which will compel him to keep his room for a 
 fortnight, whilst his defeated antagonist after a brief and 
 unaccustomed ablution, and a "pull at the pump," is as 
 fresh and well again as ever. I could certainly boast of no 
 victory in my short and sharp skirmish with the unknown 
 pugilist, outside the Trafalgar Hotel, at Greenwich ; but I 
 felt for several days the effects of his quick, vigorous style 
 of hitting ; nor would a pair of black eyes, and a somewhat 
 swollen nasal organ, allow of my taking my accustomed 
 rides and drives in the park, doing the attentive in morning 
 calls upon my fair fnends, or otherwise resuming my 
 previous habits, and frequenting my usual haunts. 
 
126 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 Besides these outward injuries and inglorious scars, I 
 felt decided inward symptoms of having been living too fast, 
 and should most assuredly have called in the professional 
 assistance of my friend Dr. DottereU, but for the feeling 
 that I could not bear to lower my personal character for 
 prowess in the eyes of that sporting little medico, by dis- 
 closing to him the marks of the encounter in which I had 
 been so ignominiously worsted. I determined, therefore, to 
 wait till my physiognomy had recovered its wonted sleek 
 appearance before applying to the doctor for advice and 
 prescription. 
 
 In the mean time, as I was again a prisoner to my 
 chamber during the day, my lodgings became, as before, 
 the resort of divers " fine young English gentlemen " of 
 " the looser sort " — ^pupils and imitators of my friend 
 Segundo, who, like their worthy preceptor, were good 
 enough to consider my house and worldly goods their own, 
 sharing amongst themselves, with a degree of social 
 generosity to me quite incomprehensible, my horses, my 
 carriages, my cigars, liqueurs, gloves, sticks, canes, 
 umbrellas, and opera tickets, with other trifles of a like 
 nature, generally supposed to be provided by a gentleman 
 for his own individual comfort and delectation. Such 
 scenes as the following were of constant occurrence: — 
 Segundo, who was now living in a spare room of mine, 
 originally intended to hold nothing cooler than a bath, but 
 now devoted to the service of one whose sangfroid Wenham 
 Lake could not equal, is seated in my rocking-chair (the 
 especial resort of its own master when he wishes to be 
 thoroughly comfortable) ; clad in one of my dressing- 
 gowns, and smoking a long cherry-stick pipe, which I 
 have procured at his especial desire, and keep continually 
 supplied with the choicest and most fragrant tobacco for 
 his use, with his feet on the breakfast-table, and his head 
 in a Greek cap, quaintly embroidered for me in other days 
 by the delicate fingers of Kate Cotherstone. With one of 
 my shooting-jackets on his shoulders, and one of my large 
 regalias between his lips, reclines Lord Loosefish — a young 
 nobleman who does me the honour of bestowing on me a 
 large portion of his spare time, and who finds himself less 
 annoyed and importuned by duns at my lodgings than his 
 
TILBUB7 NOaO 127 
 
 own. Frank Eacer, who does not smoke, is looking out of 
 window with his hat on, and moistening the toothpick which 
 he consumes so greedily with occasional applications to a 
 large liqueur-bottle, rapidly waning under his attentions. 
 Two other young gentlemen, both enveloped in fragrant 
 clouds, and known respectively by the cognomens of 
 "Nobs" and "The Bouncer," are playing backgammon 
 with much unnecessary vivacity, and enhancing the effects 
 of that sufficiently noisy game by several highly re- 
 prehensible execrations, levelled at their alternate good or 
 bad success, as the fickle goddess now showers her favours 
 upon the triumphant "Nobs," now smiles propitious on the 
 energetic " Bouncer." Need I specify that I love " a quiet 
 morning ! " and that neither my health nor my habits 
 empower me to live thus constantly in the midst of noise 
 and excitement? 
 
 " Can you let me have the cab to-day, Nogo? " says the 
 silent Mr. Facer, and \«thout waiting for an answer, rings 
 the bell to order my vehicle at his own time, leaving me in 
 uncertainty as to when he means to come back, or whether 
 he will come back at all — ^the latter consummation being 
 one to which, if I thought it likely to take place, I feel 
 that I could sacrifice the horse, harness, cab-boy, and 
 carriage, without a shadow of regret. 
 
 The servant comes in, and Segundo orders " the phaeton 
 at three! " without so much as looking at its ostensible 
 owner; whilst Loosefish drawls out — 
 
 " By-the-bye, Nogo, can yoa let me have a hack to-day ? 
 I want to ride down to Wimbledon in the course of the 
 afternoon ! " 
 
 And this series of arrangements having pretty well 
 emptied my stable, Messrs. " Nobs " and " Bouncer," 
 finding their choice of locomotion now remains between 
 grinding their French boots upon the hot pavement, or 
 chartering one of Her Majesty's Hansoms by the dis- 
 bursement of Her Majesty's coin, kindly volunteer to stay 
 and keep me company during the afternoon, adding, " We 
 can finish our match at backgammon ; and as these weeds 
 are ' none so dusty,' I daresay we shall make it out very 
 well tUl dinner-time, if Nogo wiU send for some beer ! " 
 
 Such was a sample of one of my " mornings at home; " 
 
128 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 and had it not been that the approach of twilight enabled 
 me to go out without fear of remark, I do believe these kind 
 Mends would have dined, and sat up with me during the 
 greater portion of the night. Things, however, came to a 
 crisis at last ; and a dinner at the lodgings tenanted by 
 Loosefish was the last of a series of Bacchanalian festivities 
 at which I was able to attend. Although I have no doubt 
 that this hereditary legislator — son and heir to the Earl of 
 Dungeness, with whom he had quarrelled, and who, having 
 nothing to leave, had thought it correct to go through the 
 form of disinheriting his reprobate successor — although I 
 have no doubt that from the many calls upon his purse, en- 
 tailed by his rank and position, coupled with the inconvenient 
 fact of his having nothing in possession, Loosefish was 
 more uncomfortably hard-up than any other of his im- 
 poverished companions, he was the only one of the set who 
 seemed to think it necessary to repay my attentions and 
 hospitality, morning receptions, and afternoon rides and 
 drives, by an invitation to dinner. Such invitation he 
 continually pressed me to accept ; and at length, partly 
 because I had no other engagement, partly because I was 
 curious to see how the war was carried on by a young 
 nobleman residing in London, without money and without 
 credit, I promised to be with him and to partake of his 
 hospitality at the orthodox hour of a quarter before eight. 
 Segundo, of course, was to be one of the party ; and at the 
 appointed time, I drove that worthy in my cab to No. — , 
 Jermyn-street, the temporary residence and much-besieged 
 citadel of the Eight Honourable Viscount Loosefish. 
 
 As we rattled up to the door, I was somewhat discon- 
 certed, though I cannot say surprised, to find that we had 
 alighted in the midst of an energetic altercation, carried on 
 between a fat, flabby individual, apparently a tradesman, 
 accompanied by a less enterprising friend and presumed 
 fellow-sufferer, who kept much in the background, and a 
 respectable, sedate-looking personage, who I concluded 
 was the young nobleman's servant, and who was denying 
 the fact of his master being visible, and dexterously 
 inferring that he was " not at home," with a degree of 
 consummate art that nothing but long practice could have 
 enabled him to acquire 
 
TILBURY NOGO 129 
 
 " Not at home ! " fumed the fat man, " not at home, 
 ain't he ? why I see a gentleman with my own eyes, 
 a-goin' up the stairs ! It ain't no use a-leaving my account ; 
 nor I ain't a-goin' to be put upon, any longer. I must see 
 his Lordship myself, I tell ye." 
 
 "Quite impossible, Mr. 'Thrimhles, I do assure you," 
 replied the courteous and unmoved domestic ; "to-morrow 
 morning, after breakfast, Mr. Thrimbles. My Lord is 
 always at home till three." 
 
 " Not a bit of it ! " shouted the enraged Thrimbles. 
 " Now's yer time, Meekes ; come on ! we'll see him our- 
 selves, and give 'un a piece of our mind." 
 
 And whilst the well-drilled valet and factotum of the 
 beleaguered nobleman was ushering us into the tiny lobby 
 that led to a narrow staircase, which he motioned us to 
 ascend, the energetic Thrimbles and the valiant Meekes, 
 carrying the doorWay by a coup de main, found themselves 
 in possession of the body of the, place. So ill-timed an 
 interruption, so unexpected an addition to his dinner-party, 
 would doubtless have beeii very disagreeable both to an 
 entertainer and his guests ; nor did I see any way of 
 averting so inconvenient a rencontre as that which seemed 
 now about to take place between the long-suffering trades- 
 men and their oft-reminded easterner. But it was here 
 that Segundo showed that rapid grasp of mind, that 
 instantaneous decision of action, which Napoleon called 
 " coiip d'ceil " in his marshals, but which my less assuming 
 friend dignified With the humbler title of being "up to 
 trap." Walking pompously into the hall, as if he had no 
 connection with myself, the last arrival — a deception 
 assisted by the fact of his having stayed behind to give 
 some orders to the cab-boy — and assuming a grave and 
 imposing demeanour, considerably enhanced by the white 
 neckcloth and suit of sable which were his constant 
 evening wear, he addressed the astonished servant in a 
 tone of mournful inquiry, the meaning of which I gave that 
 quick-witted functionary the greatest credit for catching so 
 instantaneously. 
 
 " I trust his Lordship has not suffered in health from 
 this sudden and unexpected shock ? " began Segundo, in a 
 loud important voice, "and that so untimely a bereave- 
 
 10 
 
130 TILBUBT NOGO 
 
 ment will not preclude him from entering upon a few matters 
 of business imperative on the successor to such a fine estate 
 as that of the late Earl ? " he continued, drawing from his 
 coat a huge pocket-book filled with papers and memoranda. 
 
 I saw the two invading tradesmen start and change colour, 
 whilst Segundo followed up his advantage, 
 
 " Very sad thing, sir ! " he said, turning to me as if he 
 had never set eyes on me before; '-'yesterday, in the 
 prime of life — only seized at six o'clock last evening — ■ 
 full habit— gout towards the head — Sir Joseph could do 
 nothing for him — all over in three hours — in the midst of 
 life, sir ! — very fine property, and the young Earl succeeds 
 to everything. Excuse me, sir, for detaining you : as the 
 legal adviser of the family it is absolutely necessary that I 
 should have five minutes' private conversation with his 
 Lordship." 
 
 And with these words Segundo passed the irresolute 
 Meekes and the astounded Thrimbles on the stairs ; and 
 taking up a position on the landing-place above them, 
 began to examine his papers with a most business-like air. 
 I saw Meekes nudge Thrimbles, and I heard Thrimbles 
 whisper to Meekes. At last the former, who had all along 
 taken on himself the office of spokesman, began to stammer 
 out his apologies to Segundo for being present at such a 
 season of mourning, the only word that was intelligible 
 being something about "his account." 
 
 " Your account, my good man ! " said Segundo, taking 
 his bill from him with an air of stately condescension, 
 whilst he extended the other hand for a long paper 
 document proffered by Meekes, " Your account had better 
 be delivered to me, that it may be at once filed with the 
 other claims against the estate. Kegularity, I need hardly 
 inform a tradesman — ^regularity, sir, is the soul of business; 
 and when other matters of greater importance have been 
 settled, your trifling account (here poor Thrimbles winced, 
 whilst the face of Meekes became several inches longer) 
 shall receive proper attention. Good morning ! " 
 
 And the door closed upon Messrs. Thrimbles and 
 Meekes, hastening home under the impression that they 
 would not only obtain immediate payment for those claims 
 which they had begun to consider hopeless, but would like- 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 131 
 
 wise enjoy the future custom and patronage of the Earl of 
 Dungeness, in return for the liberality and credit which 
 they had extended towards Lord Loosefish, 
 
 "Not badly done; was it, Nogo?" said the pseudo 
 man of business, as we followed the now relieved domestic 
 up the narrow staircase. "If I had had a little more 
 notice, I could have seen my way better, and got a pony 
 apiece out of those two fellows, on account. Confound 
 them ! they would have been just as well pleased to lend 
 their money to a fellow that was rolling in riches, as they 
 are to send in their cursed bills to a poor devil like Loose- 
 fish, who they know can't pay them. I wish I had got 
 something out of them, the rascals! It would have 
 served them right for their impudence, in coming so near 
 dinner-time." 
 
 " A fellow-feeling makes us wondrous kind ! " thought I, 
 as I listened to Segundo's philippic against these unfortunate 
 tradesmen, who, however inopportune might be their visit, 
 had, after all, only come to seek for what was really and 
 justly their due. But much as I pitied their coming disap- 
 pointment, I could not refuse my tribute of admiration to 
 the quick-witted auxiliary who had rid us of their in- 
 opportune presence — a feeling in which I am convinced I 
 was joined by my Lord's sedate domestic ; who, however, 
 was so well drilled iu his vocation, that albeit far more 
 accustomed to those vigorous attacks than to such a rapid 
 and unexpected rescue, he did not suffer his countenance 
 to betray the slightest discomfiture or surprise, as he 
 ushered us into " the small but convenient apartment in 
 which the banquet was about to be set forth. A low, but 
 well-proportioned chamber, littered with prints, casts, 
 sketches, and other works of curiosity or artj mingled with 
 the usual quantity of miscellaneous articles that collect 
 themselves insensibly in the domicile of every bachelor, 
 was adorned by a round table, covered with a snowy cloth, 
 and prepared to receive the eight guests who, including 
 ourselves, were now lounging about the room. A large 
 bouquet of flowers, fresh that morning from Covent Garden, 
 adorned the centre of the board ; whilst around the pure 
 Mabaster vase which supported them, glittered a profusion 
 of very curions and beautiful plate, soon destined, as our 
 
132 TILBVEY NOQO 
 
 host volunteered to inform us, "to be cut up into half- 
 crowns." Claret-decanters of quaint device and antique 
 shape reared their fantastic forms on a sideboard ; whilst 
 at convenient distances on the table we were about to 
 occupy, peeped forth the taper, graceful necks of the dark 
 champagne bottles, cooling luxuriously in that icy embrace 
 which the broad Atlantic had been traversed to procure. 
 Two dumb-waiters of elaborate carving and ingenious 
 structure supplied the place of servants, none of whom, with 
 the exception of my Lord's factotum, were permitted to 
 enter the room ; thereby combining, as Segundo remarked, 
 the ease and piquancy of a picnic, with the comfort and 
 refinement of an elaborate cuisine. Jermyn- street, be it 
 remembered, is not very far from certain clubs, whose 
 cookery has been pronounced the nearest approach to 
 perfection yet realised by the science, and it may be that 
 such commodious vicinity might account for the very 
 capital dinner which rapidly made its appearance, and of 
 which the component parts, from turtle to " caviare," were 
 blended with a skill and subtlety for which we gave 
 Loosefish probably more credit than he deserved. The 
 guests were varied and racy as the entertainment : none of 
 your stereotyped dandies ; none of your exalted and not 
 very amusing personages who constitute what people 
 facetiously call " good society," and whose immovable 
 dulness would assuredly render them respectable in any 
 sphere. Loosefish could command as many of these as he 
 chose when he was what schoolboys call " at home," which 
 was probably the reason he studiously avoided all such 
 correct companions, when able to select his own associates. 
 What a curious thing this same " good society " is ! like a 
 gilt cage hung up in the window, the birds that are out are 
 dying to get in ; the birds that are in are dying to get out. 
 Mr. Snobbes would give his ears to be asked to dine with 
 the Duke of Ditchwater, ! and who shall measure the 
 amount of metaphorical dirt which Snobbes will consume 
 to arrive at that almost hopeless glorification ? But ask 
 the Marquis of Mortmain the pleasantest day he spent last 
 week. Was it the dreary dinner-party he was forced to 
 attend with his ducal cousin at Ditchwater House ? Was 
 it the prandial solemnity at which, as a privy councillor, he 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 133 
 
 assisted in the halls ©f his Sovereign ? None of these was 
 it, Mr. Snobbes — ^none of these ! but there was a certain 
 breakfast at Kiohmond — a certain dinner at Greenwich, to 
 neither of which did rank or respectability offer an entree, 
 but of each of which the gay Marquis confided to his toady, 
 who told his valet, who informed my hairdresser, who 
 related the fact to me, "that he never had enjoyed 
 anything so much in the whole course of his life." And 
 in this there is a moral, Mr. Snobbes, if you could but see 
 it : there is wholesome advice, if you would but take it. 
 Not you! you wiU go on, year after year, season after 
 season, wasting your time, impoverishing your substance, 
 and destroying your spirits — and all to get amongst a set 
 of people with whom you would find yourself not a bit more 
 amused, and not one half so comfortable, as you used to be 
 when you were contented to enjoy the unassuming festivities 
 of those of your own rank and condition in the world, when 
 Burke was a sealed book, and the Queen's drawing-room 
 as inaccessible as Kamschatka ; when you lunched with 
 Dobbes, and dined with Eiggins; nor found the venison 
 one whit less fat, the champagne one particle worse iced, 
 because partaken of in social good-fellowship with your 
 old chums and associates, Smith, Brown, Jones, and 
 Eobinson. 
 
 But in the meantime, the feast is progressing in Jermyn- 
 street ; and as the wine disappears down thirsty throats, 
 and moimts into reckless and mercurial brains the various 
 characters of the different convives come out, like the 
 colours of some old picture when submitted to the revivify- 
 ing touch of an artistic connoisseur. Most of them were 
 in dif&culties — all of them were in debt. There was young 
 Graceless, of the Foot Guards, and Sabretache, of the 
 Dragoons, each of whom might probably last another six 
 months ; after which, the sales of their respective com- 
 missions would enable them to get abroad for an additional 
 twelvemonth, and then there would be nothing left but 
 their liabilities. No wonder they enjoyed the present with 
 such gusto. Then there was our entertainer himself, who, 
 having spent all he had at Newmarket and Crockford's, 
 and borrowed all he could firom the Jews, was not fain to 
 support a precarious existence upon these very uncertain 
 
134 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 resources, and lived every day of his life as if there was no 
 to-morrow. Next to him sat an actor, whose convivial 
 talents alone prevented his being one of the brightest 
 ornaments of the British stage ; and a painter, who might 
 have vied with Apelles, coidd he have imparted to his 
 canvas the brilliant colouring with which he adorned his 
 anecdotes. Segundo had known this worthy intimately at 
 Eome; and their joint recollections were more amusiag 
 than edifying. The former was the quietest of the party, 
 it being an essential characteristic of the man to be always 
 equally collected and calm, in the noisiest revelry as in the 
 most painful vicissitudes of his chequered and exciting 
 career. There was something about Segundo that nobody 
 was able quite to make out; and he might have been 
 soldier, sailor, courtier, conspirator, or pirate, so intimately 
 did he seem acquainted vrith all the more stirring scenes, 
 all the darker phases of life on the continent. Our party 
 was completed by a pale, haggard youth, whose handsome 
 features appeared wasted with dissipation, and on whose 
 brow, young as it was, care had too evidently imprinted her 
 unsparing seal. Loosefish whispered to me that he was the 
 "cleverest fellow of the lot;" and when I marked the 
 occasional flash of brilliance that darted from his hazel eye, 
 I could easily believe that the spirit within was of the 
 brightest and the keenest. He had been in the army ; at 
 the University ; had studied for the bar ; stood for a seat 
 in Parliament ; been married and divorced; and spent two 
 fortunes — all before he was six-and-twenty. And there he 
 was — a ruined man in credit and character, earning with 
 his pen sufficient funds to take him to the gaming-table, 
 where, as he played high and recklessly, he was occasionally 
 an enormous winner ; when he immediately entered upon 
 his habitual course of dissipation, nor a line did he write 
 till a run of bad luck or a continuance of revelry had again 
 reduced him to the dread of actual starvation. But apart 
 from his moral worth — of which, perhaps, the less I say the 
 better — never was it my lot to cross my legs under the 
 mahogany with so agreeable a companion. Fun, anecdote, 
 jest, and repartee, came ringing from his lips in an uninter- 
 rupted stream of merriment and good humour. He could 
 mimic, he could conjure, he could play on a knife, ventrilo- 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 135 
 
 quise, sing — ay, and write his own songs, to boot ; and I 
 laughed till I cried, and my sides ached, at the quaint 
 buffooneries and humorous fancies of my melancholy-looking 
 acquaintance. I wonder whether he was laughing at me I 
 but I took a great fancy to this accomplished individual, 
 and we struck up a firm alliance, long before the dessert 
 made its appearance. He encouraged me to "^punish 
 Loosefish's champagne," as he called it ; and the punish- 
 ment, which I repeatedly administered, I soon found to 
 produce its usual effects. The outlines of my various 
 companions became slightly [indistinct ; their voices came 
 sweetly, but unconnectedly, like the music of gushing 
 waters, upon my ears ; and I have a vague recollection 
 of making myself extremely agreeable and relating a curious 
 anecdote, much applauded by my friend the dissipated 
 author, of which I forgot the proper names at the com- 
 mencement, and of which, hastening over such trifling 
 omissions, and coming rather abruptly to the conclusion, I 
 was dismayed to find that I had likewise forgotten the point. 
 It must, however, have been a capital story in itself, if I 
 may judge by the roars of laughter vrith which it was 
 received by my auditors. The fiin bpcame graldually but 
 surely faster and more fiirious ; and I could perceive that 
 our host's excellent wine was beginning to tell upon all but 
 the seasoned brain and firm organisation of Segundo. " A 
 song ! a song ! " was soon vociferated in every key ; and 
 Loosefish, looking round the table, quickly fixed his eye 
 upon the young author, and called upon him for "a chant." 
 The verses with which he replied to the invitation, and 
 which were of his own composing, struck my fancy so much 
 in my then vinous state, that I endeavoured to scribble 
 them down in my betting-book, on a blank leaf, between a 
 total of certain disbursements at Goodwood, and a com- 
 bination of probable loss on the St. Leger : and, deciphering 
 them with much difficulty the following morning, I found 
 their Bacchanalian tendency to be, as nearly as possible, 
 the following: 
 
 A WOBD FOE CHAMPAGNE. 
 
 I sigh not for woman, I court not her charms — 
 The long-waving tresses, the melting dart eye— r 
 
 For the sting of the adder still lurks in her arms. 
 And falsehood is wafted with each buiuing sigh, 
 
136 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 Such pleasure is poisoned, such eostaoy pain — 
 Forget her 1 remembrance shall fade in champagne I 
 
 For the bright-headed bumper shall sparkle as well, 
 
 Though Cupid be cruel, and Venus be coy ; 
 And the blood of the grape gushes up with a spell 
 
 That years shall not deaden, nor care shall alloy. 
 It thrills through the life-blood, it mounts to the brain — 
 Then crown the tall goblet once more with champagne 1 
 
 The miser may gloat o'er his coffers of gold ; 
 
 The merchant may balance investment and sale ; 
 The land-holder swell with delight to behold 
 
 How his acres are yellowing far o'er the vale : 
 But mine be the riches that blush on that plain 
 Where the vintage of Sillery teems with champagne I 
 
 Bejoiced is the sage when his labours are crowned, 
 And the chapleis of laurel his temples adorn — 
 
 When pure gems of science are scattered around 
 A name still undying to ages unborn ; 
 
 But benumbed are his senses, and weary his brain — 
 
 lict him quaff at the fountain which foams with champagne 1 
 
 Ambition is noble, they tell ye — to sway 
 
 The fate of an empire, a nation to rule ; 
 To be flattered and worshipped, the god of a day, 
 
 And then learn to cringe in adversity's school. 
 But vexed is the spirit, the labour is vain ; 
 And the crest-fallen statesman flies back to champagne ! 
 
 Then give me champagne I and contentment be mine I 
 Women, wealth, and ambition — ^I cast them away. 
 
 My garlanded forehead let vine-leaves entwine I 
 And life shall to me be one long summer's day. 
 
 With the tears of the clustering grape for its rain, 
 
 And its sunshine — ^the bright golden floods of champagne I 
 
 ' ' Bravo \" " Bravo ! " " More champagne ! " was the chorus 
 to such appropriate sentiments; and more champagne, 
 accordingly, poured forth its exhilarating floods — ^not the 
 less intoxicating from the previous magnums of claret, and 
 bottles of curious old sherry, that had found their way down 
 our insatiable throats. I have but a vague recollection 
 of the after-events of the night. It appears to me that 
 scarcely two minutes had elapsed since the fresh supply of 
 Sillery was called for, ere I found myself with Loosefish 
 and Segundo, smoking a cigar, with my hat on. Was I in 
 the street? or could it Jbe Loosefish's other room ? I have 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 137 
 
 a faint idea of an anoho\y-toast, and a distinct recollection 
 of a certain board of green cloth, a man with a rake, 
 brandy and soda-water, a multiplicity of wax candles, and 
 my anger with Segundo for not allowing me to play — 
 suddenly converted into a superhuman effort to wind up 
 my watch carefully, which failed! Twelve o'clock the 
 following day brought back returning consciousness, 
 accompanied with yellow looks and a beating brain, which 
 failing to recover in the usual twenty-four hours that 
 obliterate the effects of a debauch, apprehensions of a 
 bilious fever soon brought Doctor Dotterell to my couch ; 
 and the ominous shake of his sporting little head, as he 
 felt my pulse and looked at my tongue, reduced me at once 
 to a state of the most passive obedience. 
 
 " This cannot go on, Mr. Nogo," said the dapper little 
 man : "we must get you out of town, sir. Fine con- 
 stitution sapped. Athletic &ame reduced. Muscular 
 energy enervated. Get you on your legs, Mr. Nogo, as 
 soon as we can; and then I must advise — I must beg, 
 sir — ^nay, I must insist upon your leaving London, and 
 recruiting your organisation with quiet and country air!" 
 
 And the Doctor slapped his hat on his head, and stumped 
 down-stairs with the self-sacrificing air of a medical Oato. 
 HI as I was, I got out of bed, and crawled to the window, 
 to see him start the black pony, and round the comer, 
 with squared elbows and carefiil coachmanship, that might 
 have piloted Mr. Batty's gilded chariot, with its team of 
 twelve horses, all on end ! 
 
CHAPTER XIV 
 
 The ancient Persians taught three useful things I 
 To ride — to draw the bow — to speak the truth ! 
 
 Such was the mode of Cyrus — best of kings — 
 A mode adopted since by modern youth : 
 
 Bows have they — generally with two strings 1 
 Horses they ride without remorse or ruth : 
 
 At speaking truth perhaps they're not so clever ; 
 
 But draw the long-bow better now than ever 1 
 
 Don Juan. 
 
 -and taught his novice hand 
 
 To aim the forked bolt ; while he stood trembling, 
 Scared at the sound, and dazzled with its brightness. 
 
 Geay's Agrippina. 
 
 London in the season is doubtless a very delightful 
 place ; and while the frame is vigorous, and the nerves 
 unshaken, there is more enjoyment within the grasp of 
 the votary of pleasure in the metropolis, than elsewhere. 
 But let sorrow cast her shadow over the giddy trifler ; let 
 sickness poison the source of every gratification, which he 
 has quaffed so eagerly ; or let " ennui " — the certain off- 
 spring of false excitement — cloud his satiated mind, and 
 paralyse his enfeebled energies, lo ! a sudden change comes 
 over him who erewhUe seemed as if ^he could only exist in 
 Pali-Mall, and, like a child flying back to its mother's 
 quiet smile, when"surfeited with the caresses and indulgences 
 of a birthday, he betakes himself for rest and refreshment 
 to the inexhaustible stores of rural Nature ; and weary, 
 dejected, disgusted though he be, her legitimate amusements 
 and invigorating pursuits soon renovate his flaggiug spirits 
 and drooping frame — soon bring back the bloom of health 
 to his cheek, the lustre of contentment to his eye. 
 
 138 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 139 
 
 So was it with me. After a season of gaiety and 
 adventure safficient to undermine the constitution of any 
 man who was neither a philosopher nor a Hercules, I felt 
 so completely " done up " with over-exertion and over- 
 excitement, that Doctor Dotterell found little difficulty in 
 persuading his alarmed patient to suhscrihe willingly to his 
 fiat, delivered by the leech in his most oracular tone. 
 
 "Country air, Mr. Nogo, is now the sine qud non : tonics 
 I have tried, and, as you must perceive, ineffectually. I 
 have studied your constitution, Mr. Nogo, which is in many 
 respects like my own. You require exercise : you require 
 amusement — hem ! and you are benefited by generous 
 living (let me look at your tongue). You are, like myself, 
 devoted to the sports of the field — not an uncommon 
 taste among men of our organic vigour (the doctor weighed 
 eight stone and a-half, and was weak in proportion), who 
 are formed for the ruder and more perilous occupations of 
 life — (allow me to feel your pulse) — and it is my opinion, 
 sir — I speak it advisedly — that you must immediately leave 
 town. Science has done her best for you: I have taken 
 care of that ; and we must now trust for a perfect cure 
 to Nature — Nature, sir, without whom the whole phar- 
 macopoeia is but a fiddle without strings ! " 
 
 I was much of the little doctor's opinion as to the 
 phajmacoposia — ^whatever that imposing word may signify — 
 and lost no time in writing to my old friend and school- 
 fellow, "Joe Bags," as we called him at Eton — now the 
 Eev. Josiah Bagshot, incumbent of Wilton CowsKps, in the 
 diocese of Bath and Wells — ^proposing that I should 
 immediately pay him a long-promised visit at his quiet 
 retreat in that most beautiful of all the beautiful localities 
 adorning the west of England. It is needless to say that 
 the ci-devcmt Etonian's acceptance of my offer was cordial, 
 as his previous invitation had been hospitable ; and if I 
 thought Dotterell was right in ordering me out of town, 
 whilst my lungs were still oppressed by the smoke-laden 
 atmosphere of London, how much more was I convinced of 
 his skill and judgment when I awoke to the delightfal 
 consciousness of restored health and returning spirits, in 
 the pretty bedroom of my friend's snug parsonage, on the 
 morning after my arrival ! The stillness, the utter repose, 
 
140 TILBUBY NOOO 
 
 so grateful after the turmoil and constant noise inseparable 
 from the existence of streets, amounted to perfect luxury ; 
 and as I lay awake, whilst my well-drilled servant was 
 putting out my things with the stealthiness of a midnight 
 conspirator, and watched the sunbeams streaming through 
 my closed window-shutters, I felt a lightness of heart — 
 a boyish gaiety, to which I had been a stranger for months : 
 and when I did prevail on myself to get out of bed, it was 
 with a frolicsome bound, such as had planted me on the 
 floor of my tiny dormitory at Eton, in years long since 
 gone by, when a whole-holiday rose — as in those days it 
 seemed always to rise — ^in cloudless magnificence ; or better 
 still, when the golden sunlight, bathing in floods of beauty 
 the College turrets and Mother Angelo's chestnuts, ushered 
 in the long-looked-for, heartily-welcomed, glorious Fourth 
 of June ! I am neither above nor below the weakness of 
 being acted upon by such extraneous circumstances as 
 fine weather and lovely scenery; and when I opened my 
 window, and looked over my friend Joe's ornamental 
 garden, his rich and leafy orchard, his sloping paddock, with 
 its huge old trees, and its cows grazing as they only graze 
 when the thermometer stands at 70 in the shade, to the 
 unequalled view beyond, it was with a thriU of delight as 
 keen, as delicious as could have been experienced by a 
 Poussin or a Claude Lorraine. Hill and dale, wood and 
 water, the neighbouring forest, and the distant hills, all 
 that could constitute beauty, all that could delight the eye 
 — there they were, heaped together in lavish magnificence ; 
 the golden stubbles studded with the shocks of late-reaped 
 com; the smiling meadows throwing out in crisp relief 
 those gigantic elms, that towered into the sunshine ; the 
 broad river glancing like a sheet of burnished silver ; the 
 sweeping masses of wood, black as midnight, in their 
 depths, from the contrast of light and shade; and the 
 distant horizon blending with the sky in that sunny haze, 
 which to me always realises the idea of Fairy-land. What 
 a gorgeous panorama to feed the vision of contemplative 
 man, whUst he was shaving ! But Joe's voice, as he 
 inspects his now-fading roses — for alas ! ere the prime of 
 summer mellows into autumn, the fairest flower is doomed 
 to droop and die — Joe's full and manly voice admonishes 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 141 
 
 me that tub and toilette must be proceeded with, 
 for that " Breakfast will be ready in a quarter of an 
 hour ! " So whilst I am getting on with this necessary 
 duty, and the clerical landholder walks as far as his 
 orchard and his cows, let me devote a few lines to 
 describing the person and position of my old schoolfellow 
 and present host. 
 
 "Joe," then, as his friends still call him — or the Kev. 
 Mr. Bagshot, as he is entitled by the rest of the world — is 
 a man basking in that enviable period of life which the 
 young anticipate as the completion of their prime, and the 
 old look back to as the flower of their youth. Joe Bagshot 
 is thirty if he is a day : and a more comely and athletic 
 specimen of the Anglo-Saxon race it would be difficult to 
 find in a summer-day's journey. Five feet eleven in his 
 stocking- soles ; fourteen stone without offal — ^for severe 
 exercise prevents the good-humoured parson from getting 
 fat ; with a rosy countenance, beaming with benevolence ; a 
 merry blue eye, and curling light-brown hair — it is no 
 wonder that he is as great a favourite with the fair sex for 
 his engaging appearance, as he is respected by the rougher 
 portion of humanity for his bodily vigour and aptitude to all 
 kinds of sports and exercises. Cricket, quoits, foot-ball, 
 and wrestling — at these, the indigenous amusements of the 
 country, he has not an equal in his parish. To walk a 
 mUe; to run a hundred yards; to leap, swim, or lift weights, 
 he might be safely backed against most professionals ; but 
 many of these talents, being decidedly unclerical, Joe is 
 sedulous to conceal. For instance, although the best 
 sparrer of his day at Cambridge, I recollect that the topic 
 of self-defence being on one occasion brought forward at a 
 numerous dinner-party which he attended, my friend was 
 the only person in the room who had not a word to say 
 upon the subject ; nor was it until the gloves were actually 
 produced, and, nolens volens, Joe was compelled to put 
 them on with the biggest man present, that it was dis- 
 covered that the parson was the only practitioner of the lot 
 to be depended on in a veritable set-to. How curious it is 
 that so many of these athletic men, so many stalwart 
 frames, gifted with extraordinary facility for all games and 
 field-sports, and consequently imbued with a strong attach- 
 
142 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 ment for sucli pursuits, should have chosen the Church for 
 their profession ! Who shall appreciate the sacrifice which, 
 with scarcely an exception, they make, one and all, for 
 conscience' sake, in giving up these their favourite pleasures, 
 rather than furnish one censorious individual with occasion 
 to say that there is aught in their conduct unbecoming a 
 Christian minister ? Joe could ride like a bird ; but he 
 gave up hunting the instant he discovered the slightest 
 objection on the part of his parishioners; and in the 
 kindred sports of fishing and shooting he only allowed 
 himself such occasional relaxation as could not be construed 
 by the most uncharitable into neglect of his professional 
 duties. As a boy, at Eton, "Joe Bags," as we called him, 
 always promised to be a sportsman. Besides his rowing 
 and cricket-playing proficiency, he was celebrated for his 
 partiality to such live stock as terriers, rabbits, ferrets, 
 &c. ; in fact, he prided himself greatly on the performances 
 of the latter pets, as to their efforts he owed much of his 
 well-known fame in rat-hunting. His exploits as a shot 
 were necessarily tainted with the misdemeanour of poach- 
 ing ; and despite of watchers and gamekeepers, many a fat 
 pheasant and savoury hare from the adjoining manors of 
 Stoke and Thames Ditton — nay, occasionally fi-om the 
 august preserves of royalty itself — graced the stealthily- 
 cooked breakfast of the daring Etonian. Doubtless, had 
 he been driven to it, he might have emulated the feat of a 
 certain sportsman* since distinguished in the coverts of 
 Norfolk, as over the plains of Leicestershire, who, when 
 pursued by two royal keepers, and driven down to the 
 flooded Thames, plunged boldly into the wintry torrent, 
 and reached the opposite shore much exhausted truly, and 
 considerably nearer Staines than his starting-point, but 
 having swam the whole distance with the hare, for which 
 he had risked so much, stUl in his mouth ! — a rare instance 
 of pluck and determination in a boy, and to those who know 
 what the Thames is, in November, opposite Datchet, an 
 exploit seldom if ever surpassed. Joe was just the fellow 
 to have accomplished this or any other dare-devil feat, 
 although, like the preux chevalier of olden times, the 
 
 • The well-tnown William Coke. 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 143 
 
 " lamb among ladies, and lion among lances," he was 
 gentle and almost womanly in his love for gardening, music, 
 sketching, and such softer pursuits ; and I have often been 
 amused to watch the brawny hand that could floor a barge- 
 man, delicately manipulating the light and shade of a 
 water-colour, tying up a carnation, setting a rose, or 
 executing some complicated passage on the violin. But my 
 toilette IS ere this concluded, and descending the staircase 
 I find Joe — ^who, it is needless to specify, is a bachelor — 
 presiding over his comfortable breakfast-table, drawn close 
 to the open French window, which connects us with the 
 lawn, the roses, and the glorious sunshine " out-of-doors." 
 
 " Another cup of tea, Joe, and a slice of that ham : I 
 find the country air works wonders upon a London 
 appetite! " 
 
 But alas ! everything must have a conclusion, and break- 
 fast cannot last for ever, though protracted by the luxurious 
 concomitants of fresh fish, new-laid eggs, late strawberries, 
 and Devonshire cream. 
 
 "One weed, Nogo?" said mine host, "a look at the 
 garden ; a run for the pointers ; and we will settle our plans 
 for the day. I cannot teU you how glad I was to get your 
 letter, old fellow ! to say you were coming here." 
 
 And, lighting two huge regalias from a wax candle 
 brought in for that purpose (it is only by attending to 
 trifles such as these that real comfort can be obtained), we 
 stepped out upon the smooth-shaven lawn ; and as we 
 walked up and down shady walks and trim parterres, now 
 basking in the summer sunshine, now inhaling the perfume 
 of roses, pinks, honeysuckles, and sweet-brier, we enjoyed to 
 the utmost that greatest of all luxuries — the after-breakfast 
 cigar. Two couple of rare pointers were released for our 
 inspection ; and as they gambolled here and there, and 
 traversed the home-meadow, in wild enjoyment of their 
 liberty, my friend proceeded to detail to me the series of 
 amusements and gaieties which he had provided for my 
 especial delight. 
 
 " There is an archery-meeting to-day at Castle Bowshot, 
 and a cricket-match to-morrow at Ripley Down. Then we 
 have the otter-hounds coming for a week's hunting in the 
 Slug ; and a gathering of aU the rank, beauty, and fashion 
 
144 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 of our county, for the Eace meeting at Weatherley ; besides 
 which, I can give you some capital fishing, and, next week, 
 undeniable partridge-shootiag ; and when we have nothing 
 better to do " 
 
 " Stop, my good fellow ! " said I. " One at a time, and 
 it will last the longer. Here have you provided a bill of 
 fare that it will take at least a month to get through ! " 
 
 " So much the better," was the reply. " Now that we 
 have got you down into the west, we don't let you off again 
 in a hurry, I promise you. But if you would like to 
 patronise the archery-meeting, I'll order the trap round 
 instanter ; for Castle Bowshot is a good eleven miles from 
 here, and up or down hill every yard of the way." 
 
 Accordingly, before I had time slightly to humanise my 
 costume, and Joe had donned, as professionally bound, a 
 stiff white cravat, over whose well-starched folds his 
 whiskers clustered in unclerical profusion, the aforesaid 
 trap made its appearance at the door, and proved to be an 
 exceedingly well-hung and neatly-painted dog-cart, drawn 
 by a clever short-legged brown horse, with all the 
 appearance of a capital heavy-weight hunter, as indeed, in 
 my friend's hunting days he had often proved himself, but 
 whose trotting qualities I had yet to discover. The harness 
 was plain and workmanlike, fitting, of course, to a nicety ; 
 and the whole thing had the unmistakeable air of apper- 
 taining to a sportsman ; whilst a white great-coat on the 
 driving-seat, and the name of the " Kev. Josiah Bagshot, 
 Wilton Cowslips," painted in letters an inch long on the 
 back of the vehicle, proclaimed at once the ownership of 
 the whole turn-out. 
 
 A glass of home-brewed ale, clear as amber, and I am 
 afraid to say how strong, another cigar, and we are bowling 
 merrily along, discoursing as we go, now of the pace and 
 action of the brown horse, now of the ever-changing, ever- 
 beautiful landscape through which we are passing, now of 
 the disgraceful state of the road, whilst ever and anon we 
 digress into conjecture as to the people we are about to 
 meet, and the anticipated humours of the coming gathering. 
 
 " Mr. and Mrs. Shaftoe are what is called 'people of the 
 old school,' " said my cicerone, as he drew the lash gently 
 across the brown horse's quarters, and made the eleven 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 145 
 
 miles in the hour an honest twelve — " that is to say, he 
 rises at six, goes round his farm hefore breakfast, and 
 driiiks a bottle of port every day of his life after dinner ; 
 whilst she takes care of the poor, wears black mittens, and 
 hopes ' your room was comfortable ' when you come down 
 in the morning. But they make their place very pleasant 
 to stay at ; and I assure you there are many worse billets 
 in the west than Gastle Bowshot. The old couple have no 
 children of their own, but take forcible possession of all the 
 young people in the neighbourhood, and are never so happy 
 as when they are arranging a ball, a pic-nic, or a 'breakfast' 
 for their favourites. The great let-off, however, is their 
 autumn archery-meeting, which comprises all the other 
 gaieties put together, and finishes with an out-of-doors 
 dinner, and a dance. Only take care of your heart, Nogo ! 
 this is a dangerous place for a ' soft one ; ' and our west- 
 country ladies are celebrated for their witchery — particularly 
 the widows! I should say, now, Mrs. Montague Forbes 
 was the sort of woman to knock you over, to a certainty." 
 
 Ere I could inquire into the peculiar dangers likely to be 
 encountered from an introduction to Mrs. Montague Forbes, 
 we had arrived at the lodge-gates, which admitted us into 
 a magnificent avenue of Spanish chestnuts, leading directly 
 up to the castle. Long ere we reached its hospitable 
 portal, we could discern, by the white tents which dotted 
 the lawn, and the occasional strains of music wafted to our 
 ears upon the summer air, that a fSte champStre, upon a 
 large scale, was going on in the magnificent pleasure- 
 grounds, filled with that motley and highly respectable 
 assemblage which landed proprietors somewhat pompously 
 designate as " the county people." As we drove up to the 
 door, we were welcomed by Mr. Shaftoe in person — a 
 venerable and fine-looking old man, erect as one of his own 
 arrows, and bearing unmistakeable proofs of haying been 
 very handsome in his youth. He still stuck to powder and 
 knee-breeches ; but had it not been for this peculiarity, he 
 might well have passed off for a younger man, by a dozen 
 years at least, than the parish register avowed him to be. 
 
 " Delighted to see you, Mr. Bagshot ! " said the courtly 
 old gentleman — "delighted to see you, sir! and your friend, 
 Mr. Nogo — charmed to make your acquaintance, sir, and 
 
146 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 proud to welcome you to Castle Bowshot. You will find 
 luncheon in the library; after which, I hope to have the 
 pleasure of presenting you to Mrs. Shaftoe and my guests." 
 
 Declining the offer of refreshment, our only chance 
 between such a breakfast as the parsonage had furnished, 
 and an early dinner, we proceeded forthwith to the scene of 
 gaiety, presided over by Mrs. Shaftoe — a stately but good- 
 humoured old lady, who received Bagshot with affectionate 
 warmth, and myself with dignified courtesy. Leaving the 
 former to make the agreeable to the several circles amongst 
 which he appeared a prime favourite, I moved through the 
 crowd, according to my custom, remarking, as I lounged 
 about and contemplated the scene without interruption, on 
 the manners and customs of the English in the nineteenth 
 century, so facetiously set forth by the inimitable Mr. 
 Punch. 
 
 How different from the practice of archery in the present 
 day must have been the use of the long-bow, in what are 
 jocosely called "the good old times," when every man who 
 was not a thief appears to have been a thief-taker, and 
 when security and comfort, as we understand the words, 
 were unknown ; when 
 
 " Bold Eobin Hood was a forester good," 
 
 and kept the whole of the North Conntrie alive, and the 
 " Sheriff of Nottinghame " — apparently a highly unpopular 
 functionary — in a constant state of apprehension with his 
 vagaries and eccentricities; when his outlawed band of 
 merry men — ^unlike the goodly " foresters of Arden," whose 
 "wardmote" at the present day is a term synonymous with 
 a gathering of all that is kindly and sociable — ranged the 
 wilds of our midland counties, much in the predicament of 
 the Bedouin Arab, " whose hand is against every man, and 
 every man's hand against him ! " This is not a climate 
 nor a country to live all the year round 
 
 " Under the greenwood tree ; " 
 
 witness the pic-nics every one of us can remember attending 
 even in the month of June ; and, despite of the " butt of 
 malvoisie " and "pasty of the doe," despite of ancient saw 
 
TILBURY NOGO 147 
 
 and time-renowned ballad, despite of antiquarian romance 
 and black-letter enthusiasm — ay, despite of the glowing 
 page of " Ivanhoe " itself — ^we cannot picture to ourselves 
 the band of shivering spoilers — albeit clothed from top to toe 
 in "Lincoln green" — other than a very woe-begone assem- 
 blage, when the second four-and-twenty hours of seasonable 
 rain had rendered their leafy canopy like an alpaca 
 umbrella, or a continuous shower-bath; and an easterly 
 wind, as it shook the dripping branches, and crept coldly to 
 his very marrow, had blanched the cheek of Will Scarlett, 
 or, whistling through his limp and saturated garments, 
 made even Little John himself look small. 
 
 But there are other and stirring recollections associated 
 with the bow, besides these predatory exploits of the Middle 
 Ages. We are taken insensibly back to the triumphant 
 days of Cressy and Agincourt, when the " cloth-yard shaft," 
 with a stout English heart behind it, seems to have done 
 yeoman's service, and stemmed the foeman's overwhelming 
 charge, much in the same manner as the uncompromising 
 bayonet of later date, when backed by the same sterling 
 stuflf. We glory with the victorious archers, as their 
 hissinjg voHey, rattling like a hailstorm on their panoply, 
 breaks the advancing chivalry of France ; and the cheering 
 war-cry, " St. George for merry England ! " rings upon our 
 ears whilst we behold the tossing fleur-de-lis borne back- 
 wards on the tide of defeat. Or we heave a sigh for the 
 brave, the devoted, the gentle, and the loyal, who formed 
 with their bodies a corpsebuilt bulwark around their dead 
 sovereign on Flodden's field, where the gallant King of 
 Scotland held his state as warlike monarch should when 
 overcome by odds— stretched upon his shield, his face to 
 heaven, and surrounded by his prostrate knights and nobles 
 overwhelmed, repulsed, defeated, but all unconquered still 
 — a sacred rampart, immortalised by Aytoun in his soul- 
 stirring lament : 
 
 " Every stone a Scottish body, 
 Bvery step a corpse in mail ; 
 And behind it lay our monarch, 
 Clenching still his shivered sword — 
 By his side Montrose and Athol, 
 At hia feet a southern lord." 
 
148 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 Well may Scotland rue the gray-goose shaft that thinned 
 her serried ranks, and laid her stoutest warriors low — a 
 man-at-arms for every missile. Perchance when we have 
 dried the tear that falls for Flodden, we may moralise with 
 good Justike Shallow, on the uncertainty of life and the 
 Grim Archer, whose quarry sooner or later we must all of 
 us become, " And is old Double dead ? See ! see ! he 
 drew a good bow — and dead ! he shot a fine shoot — John 
 of Gaunt loved him well, and betted much money on his 
 head ! " and yet this veteran toxopholite, though he could 
 " clap'i' the clout at fourscore, and carry you a forehand 
 shaft, a fourteen and fourteen and a half," must go the way 
 of all flesh as surely as the prime buck that he loved to 
 strike in season. And then the train of my ideas having once 
 arrived at Shakspeare, the mighty magician bears me off 
 upon the wings of fancy to the golden days of Good Queen 
 Bess, and the image of Falstaff ; the reality of Sir Walter 
 Ealeigh, the progress to Coventry, and the pageantry at 
 Kenilworth, drive from my mind all disagreeable ideas of 
 archers, archery, war, flesh-wounds and slaughter, till un- 
 pleasantly reminded by my precarious position that I am 
 still a denizen of this present world, though not likely to 
 continue so, if I persevere in such close proximity to the 
 target as my day-dream has lured me to, unperceived — 
 Whiz ! an arrow sticks six inches into the ground within 
 finger's length of my patent leather boot. Whiz ! comes 
 another in its erratic course, threatening me with the 
 possibility of the Bed King's fate, and shaving my white 
 hat so closely as to give me a very clear notion of the 
 sensations entertained by that pomiferous youth who, as 
 heir of entail to the celebrated Swiss sportsman, William 
 Tell, so manfully stood up to the paternal shot. A ringiiig 
 laugh fi-om the lips of the fair Diana, who has well-nigh 
 sacrificed an unwary stranger, brings me completely to 
 myself ; and as Bagshot rushes forward, and, drawing me 
 out of the line of fire, presents me to the dangerous 
 charmer, I return a few unmeaning compliments, which 
 will not bear repeating, to the apologies poured forth by 
 Mrs. Montague Forbes — for Mrs. Montague Forbes it is — 
 who so nearly " hit the white," though not exactly in the 
 manner described by the old chroniclers of archery. Aa 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 149 
 
 their practice never approaches a much greater degree of 
 accuracy than what may be termed " the roving range," I 
 presume it is the extremely picturesque and becoming dress 
 assumed by its votaries that makes this such a favourite 
 exercise with the fair sex. Certainly Mrs. Montague Forbes 
 was got-up to admiration ; and her fine rounded figure, large 
 blue eyes, and waving golden locks, were set off to great 
 advantage by the close green tunic, and Spanish hat and 
 feathers, which seemed to be the uniform of the competitors 
 for the silver arrow. I have reason to know the lady in 
 question was at that time turned of forty; but whatever 
 attractions she might have lost by the unavoidable fading of 
 youthful bloom, were fully made up by that experience with 
 which a woman of a certain age prepares with deeper craft, 
 as she exhibits with greater skill the restorative auxiliaries 
 of the toilette. Eeally, on that bright sunny lawn, with its 
 fine old oaks, and its distant view, its crowds of well- 
 dressed people, bevies of lovely girls, and groups of handsome 
 matrons — ^with all to attract and fascinate the eye — there 
 was no object present, animate or inanimate, that received 
 a greater share of spontaneous attention than did the much- 
 admired widow, Mrs. Montague Forbes. Thanks to the 
 good character with which it appears Bagshot had already 
 furnished his friend, I soon found myself in high favour 
 with the lively widow, who did not disdain, when the 
 contest for the great prize had terminated in her triumph, 
 to instruct me with her own fair hands in the use of the 
 lethal weapon. 
 
 After she had received the compliments and congratula- 
 tions of the party, earned by her comparative superiority 
 over her fair competitors, with whom the attitude appeared 
 the great point, the further direction of the shaft being a 
 matter of secondary importance; and after a burst of 
 triumphal music, celebrating the victory with an air 
 compounded of " See the conqu'ring hero ! " and the 
 prophetic intimation that " This day a stag must die ! " 
 the most ambitious professors of archery amongst the 
 gentlemen proceeded to compete for thei/r prize — an old 
 illuminated volume, treating of all the mysteries connected 
 with The Bow ; whilst the uninitiated, thronging round 
 two other targets placed within easy distance, disported 
 
150 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 themselves with what may be not unjustly termed discursive 
 shooting. Amongst these humbler individuals I now took 
 my place, to be instructed by Mrs. Montague Forbes in the 
 arcana of the craft ; and though sorely distracted fby the 
 manifold charms of my monitress — charms that the 
 different positions in which she herself placed me, gave me 
 full opportunities of appreciating — I made very fair progress 
 for a first lesson, actually hitting the outer rim of the 
 target no less than twice, and once narrowly escaping the 
 fate of the " struck eagle," who " winged the shaft that 
 quivered in his heart," by transfixing my plaid trousers, 
 and grazing the cuticle of my thigh, in an ill-advised 
 attempt to combine accuracy of aim with an easy and 
 graceful deportment. Little did I dream that a dart was 
 even then working its silent way to my heart — ^there to 
 inflict an insidious wound, to which torn " continuations " 
 and an excoriated surface were indeed a joke. 
 
 Shooting, flirting, laughing, and talking, went on by 
 turns till the afternoon sun, throwing the long shadows of 
 the giant elms across the lawn warned us that dinner-time 
 was approaching ; and need I say that Mrs. Montague 
 Forbes did me the honour of accepting my arm to conduct 
 her to the tent, where we were to rough it, as best we 
 might, on white soup, cold chickens, lobster-salad, and iced 
 champagne, not forgetting strawberries and cream. Of all 
 auxiliaries to flirtation, commend me to that sort of 
 impromptu dinner- arrangement comprising the piquancy 
 and ease of a picnic with the luxuries and comforts of a 
 well regulated establishment. You have the fresh green 
 turf under your feet ; but in case of rain, which spoils hot 
 dishes, you have a good canvas covering over your head : 
 you need not sit with your feet in a puddle ; and a cane- 
 bottomed chair is a pleasanter resting place than a piece of 
 spongy moss on a three-cornered block of stone. The port 
 wine has not flooded the salad, nor has anyone spilt the 
 salt and forgotten the corkscrew : so you have nothing to 
 do but to eat, drink, and make yourself agreeable. 
 
 " Another wing, Mrs. Forbes, after your exertions with 
 the bow ? Let me give you a little more champagne ; and 
 won't you ventwre on another slice of tongue ? " 
 
 Diana works away like a good one, repaying my assi- 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 151 
 
 duities with a shower of smiles. We are getting on very 
 comfortably, and the tongues of the guests becoming 
 momentarily more loosened — ^the men pledging each other 
 with increasing cordiality, and pretty faces waxing a trifle 
 flushed — entirely in consequence of having been all day in 
 the open air, of course ! 
 
 Just as we are at the merriest, the clatter of knife- 
 handles against the table produces a general silence, only 
 broken by the voices of one or two prosers, who are some- 
 what slow in finishing their sentences — good line-hunters, 
 as we say of hounds, and not to be done out of their share 
 of the sport. 
 
 Mr. Shaftoe rises, and, backed up by continuous 
 applause, proposes the health of the " fair toxopholite 
 who has that day carried off the silver arrow! " coupling 
 with it the name of the successful male archer, who is con- 
 sequently nailed for a speech in reply. 
 
 Mrs. Forbes smiles and blushes, apparently having both 
 these weapons qiiite at command ; whilst after a vast deal 
 of hesitation and delay, Mr. Quivering rises to return 
 thanks, in a state of extreme confusion. I am convinced 
 that if he — a first-class man at Oxford — ^had only known 
 what was expected of him, he would have shot in any 
 direction rather than at the target on that fatal day. 
 However, there is no escape, and up he gets : " Honour — 
 happiness — distinguished party — ^hospitable landlord — ^fair 
 archers — surrounded by a galaxy of beauty (great applause) 
 — healthy recreation, and graceful pursuit ! " Here the 
 orator warms with his subject, and involves himself in a 
 complicated treatise on the antiquity of the bow ; the 
 training of Cyrus ; the Parthians' flying warfare — with an 
 attempted quotation from Horace, coughed down mstanter 
 by the ladies ; the weapon of Apollo ; the delight of the 
 spotless Diana; and the retreat of the " Ten Thousand " 
 — where he suddenly recollects himself, and abruptly breaks 
 off, with a general good health, and a bumper of cham- 
 pagne, when he sits down, blushing hugely, amidst the 
 congratulations of his friends, and sundry exclamations of 
 " Bravo, Quivering ! " " fine scholar ! " " deep research ! " 
 " modest delivery ! " " capital speech ! " 
 
 An over-dressed young man, evidently a swell in these 
 
152 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 parts, now rises, and in general terms proposes the health 
 of the ladies, on which those charmers take their departure, 
 and diving like a retriever under the tahle-cloth, I bring up 
 and present to Mrs. Montague Forbes in rapid succession a 
 laced pocket-handkerchief, a pair of white kid gloves, a 
 small bouquet, a clasp bracelet, and a French fan — all 
 which articles I presume must have been lost but for my 
 exertions. 
 
 We drink a little more wine, and Bagshot introduces me 
 to sundry " capital fellows," by all of whom I am most 
 graciously received. Just as we are beginning to think of 
 the charms of a cigar on such an evening, we are summoned 
 to the ball-room, there to meet the ladies again, who have 
 taken advantage of the mysterious interim to "do up " 
 their hair, exchange confidential secrets with their particular 
 friends, and have a little tea. Judging from the welcome 
 smile with which she greeted me, I should say Mrs. 
 Montague Forbes was not a favourite with ladies; and I 
 have often remarked that the good opinion entertained of a 
 woman by her own sex is generally in an inverse ratio to 
 her popularity with ours. Be that as it may, to my mind 
 she was infinitely the most agreeable person in the room ; 
 and after a night of music, waltzing, flirting, and philander- 
 ing, such as I have seldom encountered, the early streaks 
 of dawn greeted our aching eyes, as Joe and I climbed into 
 the dog-cart for our homeward journey; and the pretty 
 parsonage was smiling in the fuU light of a glorious summer 
 sun, ere we sought our respective couches, cordially agree- 
 ing that we had spent a delightful day. What may have 
 been the nature of my friend's visions, I am at a loss to 
 state ; but I can safely aver, with all regard to truth, that 
 I dreamt that morning of Mrs. Montague Forbes. 
 
CHAPTER XV 
 
 The evaporation of a joyous day 
 Is like the last glass of champagne, without 
 
 The foam which made its virgin bumper gay ; 
 Or, like a system, coupled with a doubt ; 
 
 Or like a soda-bottle, when its spray 
 Has sparkled, and let half its spirit out ; 
 
 Or like a bUlow, left by storms behind, 
 
 Without the animation of the wind. 
 
 Don Juan. 
 
 Oh, monstrous ! — eleven buckram men. 
 
 K. Henry IV. 
 
 Monstrous indeed. It might be difficult ia the days of 
 chivalry to recognise one's dearest friend, when, like a 
 lobster in its shell, he appeared armed cap-a-pie for the 
 encounter. But what shall we say of eleven stout elderly 
 gentlemen, lapped in leather and swathed in cork, their 
 natural rotundity increased tenfold by their voluminous 
 defences, and their jolly faces crimsoned from the effects of 
 such a costume, under a midsummer sun ; but one and all 
 gallantly bent upon achieving " a score," in defiance of the 
 present terrific system of round bowling, which places 
 cricket on a par with the tilts and tom-naments of the 
 middle ages ? Such was the array that greeted my eyes, 
 on our arrival at Eipley Down, the day after the Castle 
 Bowshot Archery Meeting; a day ushered in with such 
 tropical sunshine as England can rarely boast, and to be 
 made memorable by a contest for supremacy between the 
 Eipley eleven and twenty-two of the surrounding district ; 
 the whole thirty-three comprising, I verily believe, every 
 cricket-player within fifty miles. ; Need I say that Bagshot, 
 the pride of the " Upper Shooting Fields," in his Eton 
 
 153 
 
154 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 days, was the very Achilles of the Eipley champions ? or 
 that his eagerness to be in time for the fray deprived me of 
 sundry hours of necessary repose, and forced me to dispose 
 of my breakfast in that uncomfortable manner which we 
 condemn in the equine species under the term " bolting 
 their food ? " It seemed as if I had only just left the 
 brown horse and the dog-cart, when I found myself again 
 " taking the road " in that locomotive vehicle, my jaded 
 spirits and London pallor contrasting most unfavourably 
 with Joe's rosy face and jovial tones, as he descanted upon 
 the anticipated triumphs to be won by bat and ball. Why 
 is it that to some, and those too often the very tempera- 
 ments most susceptible of its enjoyments, the exhilaration 
 of a gala-day should be invariably followed by a correspond- 
 ing depression of spirits and incapacity for exertion ? Is 
 my frame weaker, or are my nerves more susceptible than 
 my neighbours', that I should never fail to be the victim of 
 this distressing reaction ? I know not. But here I was, 
 as usual, dull and weary in proportion to my yesterday's 
 enjoyment ; whilst Bagshot, who had drunk infinitely more 
 champagne, and smoked twice as many cigars on his way 
 home, looked fresh and rosy as a child — not a line in his 
 beaming, good-humoured countenance, not a shade on his 
 frank, open brow. I could not help complimenting him on 
 his superiority of organisation, when I found that, like all 
 people who live entirely in the country, he had formed a 
 most exaggerated idea of London dissipation ; and actually 
 looked up to me as a man of iron frame, for sustaining as I 
 did the pleasures of a fashionable life. 
 
 " Very few men could stand it as you do," said the 
 unsophisticated parson. " I have heard of you, Nogo — 
 dancing, and sitting up, and Crockford's, and all that : it 
 would kill me in a fortnight," added the clerical Hercules : 
 " and I am only too thankful that my lot is cast in this 
 quiet nook of the country, where I can enjoy the out-of- 
 door life that I am so fond of, and have no temptation to 
 late hours and smart company." 
 
 And thus we chatted on, beguiling the way with remarks 
 on our previous day's amusement, and the different West- 
 country notabilities whose acquaintance I had made ; nor 
 did Mrs. Montague Forbes obtain less than her due share 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 155 
 
 of our attention, Bagshot declaring her to be " a very 
 charming person, and just in the prime of life;" to which 
 I gave a tacit assent, not the less cordial for its confine- 
 ment to my own bosom. 
 
 But a long steep hill, which must have been interminable 
 had the brown horse been less well-bred, brings us at last 
 to the "Down," where a large tent, surrounded by rows of 
 benches, and sundry spectral figures flitting about in white 
 flannel, announce that the cricket-match is about to be 
 holden. Already have several vehicles deposited their 
 alluring loads ; and pretty faces, peeping from under pink, 
 blue, and white parasols, lavish glances of welcome on Joe, 
 and curiosity on his companion. Here and there a gracious 
 damsel, recognising the partner of last night, bestows a 
 nod that seems to court farther acquaintance; and it is 
 evident to me that Mr. Tilbury Nogo is not half the man in 
 Kensington Gardens or the Park that he promises to be on 
 Ripley Down. 
 
 The eleven, or rather nine of them, gather round Joe, 
 as he descends from his dog-cart ; while the confusion of 
 tongues and elongation of faces proclaim that some dire 
 catastrophe has taken place, and that, in the oratorical 
 words of Mr. Quivering, whom I recognise with difficulty in 
 his panoply, " this will prove a disastrous day for Ripley." 
 I whisper an inquiry to a short-legged gentleman — in 
 flannel, of course, with a red silk handkerchief bound 
 round his head, whose name I afterwards discovered to be 
 Swaddles — and the truth bursts upon me volubly. 
 
 " Trimmer is absent ! Trimmer has written to say he 
 can't come ! Trimmer has been tampered with by the 
 twenty-two ! It's disgraceful ! — ^it's too bad ! — it's beyond 
 a joke ! The only man who can stop Trundle's bowling. The 
 only bat in England that really knows how to ' hit to the leg.' 
 It's absurd to say his wife is taken ill. (Mrs. Trimmer has 
 already had twelve children, and this is her thirteenth con- 
 finement.) He might have gone back after the match ; 
 it's only nineteen miles across country. He's used us 
 shamefully. Never forget it ! " 
 
 And the tide of indignation sets in violently against the 
 uxorious absentee ; Mr. Swaddles, in particular, becoming 
 ludicrously excited. 
 
156 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 " We must make up our number," says the latter 
 gentleman, apparently much inclined to quarrel -with 
 somebody ; " how is it to be done ? I ask you, how is 
 it to be done?" 
 
 And he glances fiercely round on the devoted band, 
 whose blank visages promise no solution of the inquiry. 
 At length taking Bagshot aside, he enters into a whispered 
 conference, in which such expressions as these force them- 
 selves upon my startled ear: — "He used to play, when at 
 Eton." " Hunting man, did you say ? Of course he can 
 bat." " Good shot I dare say ; don't doubt he can bowl. 
 Light, active figure — sure to be able to run." And the 
 pleasant conviction obtrudes itself on my mind that I am 
 about to be selected as a further victim to the terrific bowling 
 of the insatiate Trundle. Sure enough Mr. Swaddles, who 
 had constituted himself a dictator in the present crisis, 
 marches up to me with short, determined strides, and 
 informs me, as if I had no voice at all in the matter, that 
 they have " chosen me into their eleven, and they have 
 no doubt I shall prove a most efficient aid, and worth 
 a dozen of the degraded Trimmer ; who," adds Mr. 
 Swaddles, with a parting growl at the deserter, " ought 
 never to have been elected a member of the club at all." 
 
 Vanity ! ambition ! the defect of the bravest, the infirmity 
 of the noblest ; much have ye to answer for. From the 
 Submersion of a Narcissus to the Moscow of a Napoleon — 
 still, sister-failings ! have ye lured mankind to their down- 
 fall ; and now would nothing satisfy either or both of you 
 but to lead the unfortunate Tilbury Nogo a willing victim 
 to your delusive altar ? Weary, jaded, and unwell, I was 
 in the very worst possible condition for the manly game I 
 was about to join ; added to which, I cannot conceal from 
 myself that I am of a nervous temperament ; and such, I 
 need not say, is the organisation least adapted to encounter 
 " round bowling." Besides, I had not touched a bat since 
 I left Eton : and yet, despite of all these drawbacks and 
 deficiencies, I could not resist the temptation of appearing 
 before that crowded assemblage as one of the heroes of the 
 day. Bright eyes were to look approval of my deeds, fair 
 hands would lend their gentle plaudits to a successful 
 " swipe " or a scientific " block ; " and casting all personal 
 
TILBTJBY NOGO 157 
 
 terror to the winds, I took my place amongst the staunch 
 supporters, destined to uphold the cricketing fame of 
 Bipley. 
 
 In this unjust and unsatisfactory world, I have often 
 thought that the amount of glory which we obtain is most 
 unfairly disproportioned to the mental suffering we undergo 
 in its acquisition. Bodily peril is to one man a decidedly 
 agreeable sensation, whilst in another it produces a degree 
 of what schoolboys denominate " fiink," which amounts to 
 positive agony. Leonidas and his Spartans, looking for- 
 ward to a hot supper with Pluto — " the three who kept the 
 bridge so well, in the brave days of old," opposed to the 
 swelling masses of the Tuscan army — Coeur de Lion in the 
 desert — or the Hero of Houguemont at Waterloo — ^were 
 doubtless, one and all, men of that glorious organisation 
 which woos danger as its bride, and kindles like a chafing 
 war-horse at the clash of steel ; but we cannot allow such 
 spirits as these the credit claimed as due to his personal 
 valour, by a well-known character at Quatre-Bras, who, 
 comparing his own coolness with that of the men under 
 his command, when their apparent insensibility to danger 
 called forth the admiring encomiums of a brother-officer, 
 argued that he alone deserved praise for his gallantry, 
 "because," said he, "those fellows don't care how much 
 they are peppered ; whilst I stay here, although I am most 
 devilishly afraid!" 
 
 In the same way, to compare smaU things with great, it 
 is aU very well for men like my friend Bagshot, of Hercu- 
 lean mould and corresponding activity, skilled besides in 
 all the stratagems of the game, to jest and laugh at balls 
 delivered with catapultic energy, or skimming the sward 
 about the height of your knees with a velocity that 
 threatens to take a leg clean off without the ceremony of 
 amputation. By the way, I can only account for the 
 excellent fight the wooden-legged pensioners at Greenwich 
 make annually against their one-armed antagonists by their 
 utter disregard, during the existing low price of timber, for 
 such vicious " shooters " as these. But though Bagshot, 
 Quivering (for, to give him his due, like most hard-reading 
 men, he was a first-rate cricketer), and one or two others, 
 might look upon all this as sport, it really threatened to be 
 
158 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 death to me; and I claim accordingly my due share of 
 applause for thus boldly standing in the gap occasioned by 
 the non-appearance of the much-abused Mr. Trimmer, I 
 think Swaddles was not very comfortable, but he carried 
 off his feelings with a nervous fiiss and swagger which 
 effectually concealed any unmanly apprehensions lurking at 
 his heart ; nor did the extreme caution which he manifested 
 during the after-progress of the game warrant his enter- 
 taining any great degree of alarm for his personal safety. 
 But in the mean time the moment for opening the lists is 
 rapidly approaching. Already has the ceremony of " pitch- 
 ing the wickets " been gone through. Fortune has decided 
 by the augury of a tossing half-crown that Eipley shall go 
 in first ; and as Bagshot, the champion of its eleven, places 
 himself in an attitude of defence at his wicket, and " takes 
 guard " from his opposite colleague, the redoubtable 
 Trundle bares his nervous arm, and spinning the ball 
 playfully betwixt finger and thumb, scans with wary eye, 
 that takes all in at a glance, the stalwart batsman, the 
 " inner stump," on which he meditates his attack, and the 
 intervening sward, true and level as the surface of a billiard- 
 table. The twenty-two hover round with a vigilance that 
 would appear to leave no loop-hole for a single score. The 
 umpires are placed like the seconds in a duel, where the peril 
 they undergo may impress upon their minds the responsi- 
 bility of their situation. The gentleman who " keeps the 
 score " takes up a position in the tent, out of the line of 
 fire, and where he can command the beer, and is liberally 
 supplied with blacklead pencils, one of which he wears con- 
 tinually in his mouth. Everything is in readiness, and 
 the hush of expectation, broken only by the silver tones of 
 Mrs. Montague Forbes, pervades the assembly. Like the 
 chivalric " laissez alter," from the mailed marshal of the 
 lists, that set hearts beating and eyes straining in the 
 olden time, the word " Play ! " enunciated in tones hoarse 
 with emotion from the lips of the umpire, rouses the 
 players into simultaneous action, and places the spectators 
 on the tiptoe of expectation. Every scout is on the alert, 
 and the fielding promises to be excellent. My friend Joe 
 stretches his athletic frame over his bat, as he crouches to 
 the ground like a tiger about to spring, then rising suddenly 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 159 
 
 erect, poises the polished weapon towards his antagonists, 
 ere he resumes his attitude of calm and self-possessed 
 defiance; the wicket-keeper behind him, gloved to the 
 elbow and padded to the waist, stooping towards the 
 stumps, and watching, all eye, the motions of the bowler, 
 seems to anticipate the triumph of his vigilance and activity. 
 Trundle creeps back a few paces, starts suddenly forward 
 with a lightning-like sweep of his long sinewy arm, and 
 ere the baffled sight can follow his spinning missile, a duU, 
 heavy sound, and Joe's collected attitude — fit study for a 
 sculptor — announce that the well-directed ball, speeding 
 straight and true to the bail of the " leg stump," has been 
 quickly and scientifically stopped. The first " over " 
 causes a general change of places amongst the field ; nor 
 has the scorer yet had cause to dull the point of his ex- 
 tremely well-cut pencil ; and it is now Quivering's turn to 
 stand up to the reckless bowling of a brawny blacksmith, 
 celebrated for the rapidity rather than the accuracy with 
 which he delivers his ball. Two " byes " and one " wide 
 ball " remind the first-class man of his merry school-days, 
 and with increasing confidence he makes a brilliant hit 
 "to the leg," and "goes for a three." The fielders run, 
 and holloa : " Now ! now ! " resounds over the plain ; the 
 lookers-on applaud; the scorer refi:eshes himself with a 
 pull at the beer, which is his way of rendering homage to an 
 illustrious feat ; and the discomfited blacksmith, shaking 
 his head, prepares an astounding " shooter " for Bagshot, 
 who is this time opposed to him. Straight and rapid 
 comes the ball, rising at that inconvenient distance which 
 tempts an inconsiderate " swipe," withheld ere delivered 
 by the doubting batman, who is then too late to " block," 
 and finds his bails scattered, and himself sacrificed by his 
 own indecision. Not so my friend Joe : stepping boldly 
 out, he met the deceiving globe when just upon the rise, 
 and lending the full swing of his brawny shoulders to the 
 stroke, far above the astonished heads of the open-mouthed 
 fielders — far beyond the remotest " fag," placed upon the 
 outskirts as an especial compliment to his prowess — 
 cleaving the blue heaven, and bounding over the emerald 
 Bward — he sent it for a " sixer," even into the very tent 
 where the fairer portion of oux company had gathered, in 
 
160 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 gorgeous assembly, for shelter from the noonday sun. 
 Amidst the shaking of petticoats by their laughing owners, 
 as if to assure themselves and the breathless scout who 
 rushes headlong into their presence that they have not 
 involuntarily secreted the indispensable article, amidst 
 peals of mirth and shouts of applause from the delighted 
 multitude, amidst uproarious congratulations from the side 
 that is "in," and frantic recrimination from the side that 
 is " out," the cry of " Lost ball ! " ratifies the six that 
 have been already run, at the same moment that the 
 missing treasure is discovered, snugly ensconced in the 
 folds of Mr. Swaddle's brown frock-coat, incautiously laid 
 aside in the back of the tent ; and to reach which hiding- 
 place it had broken two ginger-beer bottles, and gone 
 through the best part of a raised pie in its tumultuous 
 career. But triumphs such as these fall to the lot of 
 mortals only in sparing numbers, few and far between ; 
 nor was Bagshot totally invincible, any more than Achilles. 
 Although he saw Quivering out, and after him witnessed 
 the defeat and discomfiture of no less than four of his 
 colleagues, his own downfall was rapidly approaching. 
 Flushed with the success of a score now counted by 
 decimals — intoxicated by the lavish applause of the ladies, 
 no less than the thrilling excitement of the game, my 
 friend began to play on a wild though brilliant system, 
 and, after sundry effective and extraordinary hits, was at 
 length " caught out," in an ambitious effort at immortality, 
 by a youth of sixteen, the very humblest of the twenty- 
 two, then making his first appearance in public as a match- 
 player, but whose success on this occasion stamped him a 
 cricketer for life. 
 
 The score by this time looks well, and the beer is waning 
 rapidly, but we have already got through most of our good 
 men; and although I have kept modestly in the back- 
 ground, there is a murmur of " Mr. Nogo ! " — " Mr. 
 Nogo ! " — "Where is Mr. Nogo? " — that summons me to 
 the breach : I shall have to encounter the blacksmith, who 
 has just disposed of my predecessor with a crashing ball 
 that has shivered his outer stump into a dozen pieces ; and 
 whilst a fresh wicket is being put up wherewith to glut 
 this athletic savage, I arm myself for the fray. Invulner- 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 161 
 
 able leggings, tied by a multiplicity of white strings, 
 defend my lower extremities, whilst I plunge my trembling 
 hands into leather gloves, the damp and clammy interior 
 of which convinces me that I am not the only person whose 
 courage, like that of Bob Acres, has oozed out at the palms 
 of his hands, notwithstanding the confidence supposed to 
 be inspired by knuckle-preservers of tough India-rubber. 
 Thus accoutred, I walk up to my post, and my diseased 
 fancy metamorphoses the good-humoured smile on the 
 bowler's countenance into a glare of demoniacal triumph at 
 his victim. Absurd as it is, I feel confoundedly nervous ; 
 and none the less so for the consciousness that Mrs. 
 Montague Forbes is looking on. The blacksmith measures 
 me with his eye, and I feel that the dreadful moment has 
 arrived. " Play ! " a dark object comes whizzing towards 
 me, apparently in a direct line for my head. Involuntarily 
 I shut my eyes, and with an energy borrowed from despair 
 scoop wildly with my bat somewhere in the direction of the 
 wicket-keeper, I have yet to learn how I escaped decapita- 
 tion ; but, on recovering my senses, I found my wicket was 
 still untouched, and a welcome " over " gave me a little 
 breathing-time, and an opportunity of observing the 
 demeanour of my colleague under similar trying circum- 
 stances. He is a round-about little man, of some fifty or 
 sixty summers, with short, sturdy legs, and a bald head, 
 glistening like polished ivory in the sun. He stands 
 gallantly up to his bat as if nothing could ever knock him 
 down; and, though time and good living may have told 
 somewhat upon the flexibility of his muscles, he is 
 evidently a master of the craft. Eight and left he " swipes 
 out" over the plain, and gives the fielders little time to 
 fall asleep. Then to see him run ! his honest face crimson 
 with excitement, his stout thick arms tossing wildly about 
 his person, and his spherical proportions impelled forwards 
 upon those short, twinkling legs as though by some super- 
 natural agency, he reminded me of the lines applied to a 
 corpulent sportsman devoted to the chase, once right-well 
 known in " the shires " — 
 
 " For beef on the rib no Leicestershire bullock was rounder ; 
 A wonderful weight at a wonderful rate — he flew like a sizty-f oar 
 pounder." 
 
 12 
 
162 TILBUBT NOaO 
 
 Gathering confidence from the prowess of this modem 
 Daniel Lambert, I, too, endeavour to keep my eyes open : 
 and, thanks to my favouring stars, actually succeed in 
 obtaining a run. Great applause from the spectators, and 
 a white handkerchief waves from within the tent that can 
 belong to no other than Mrs. Montague Forbes. The blood 
 of the Nogos swells in my veins, and again I nerve myself 
 to do or die. The blacksmith looks wicked, and delivers a 
 straight one. I dash boldly at it, and, striking wildly over 
 the revolving object, am sensible of an electric shock just 
 below the knee-pan, at the same moment that my bails fly 
 upwards ; and, despite of bodily pain and mental agitation, 
 I am disagreeably conscious of being " bowled out." Prob- 
 ably no man has ever yet succeeded in the often attempted 
 feat of walking away from his wickets, under defeat, with 
 an unconcerned air. It is amusing to observe the different 
 conduct of different individuals during this trying ordeal, 
 and to remark upon countenances of every hue, and features 
 of all shapes, the self-same constrained and ghastly smile 
 vainly assumed to conceal intense mortification. Although 
 writhing with pain (for a cricket-ball meeting an angular 
 portion of the human frame at the rate of forty miles an 
 hour is by no means a pleasurable sensation to the subject), 
 the annoyance of failure in the presence of so many spec- 
 tators, and the plaudits which greeted my downfall like 
 every other event in the game, were infinitely more dis- 
 agreeable than the actual infliction of corporeal agony. 
 " Keen were my pangs, but keener far to feel " that Mrs. 
 Montague Forbes should be looking on with her laughing 
 blue eyes and her saucy smile, doubtless recognising in the 
 clumsy cricketer that unsuccessful marksman whom yester- 
 day she had taken such pains to instruct in the use of the 
 bow. 
 
 Ere I could limp up to the tent to receive with feigned 
 good humour the ironical compliments of my disheartened 
 colleagues upon my modest score of " one," only surpassed 
 by that of the irascible Swaddles, " whose timbers," to 
 use the language of the Ripley Watchman and Cricketers' 
 Chronicle, "were scattered to the tune of a round o," I 
 discovered that the increasing pain in my leg would rendei^ 
 my further assistance, in the way of fielding and second 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 163 
 
 innings, totally unavailable to the contending eleven ; and 
 that I should be compelled, for that day at least, to remain 
 an inactive spectator of the manly sports, which, truth to 
 tell, I had no longer any strong inclination to join. My 
 new acquaintances were full of sympathy and assistance ; 
 arms were proffered to assist me to a resting-place, cushions 
 procured on which to stretch my wounded limb, and 
 declarations rife on all sides that I " had played very 
 pluokily, and although evidently out of practice, should 
 have been a most valuable auxiliary in another innings." 
 But the last of the Ripley eleven has been now disposed 
 of, and the ball is triumphantly ascending from each of the 
 twenty-two in turn, who are as eager to touch its brown 
 surface as though some mystic virtue lay hidden in that 
 worn and tightly- stitched leather. The devoted band, now 
 reduced to ten, prepare for the arduous duties of fielding. 
 Swaddles votes for going to lunch ; but the idea is scouted 
 by his eager comrades, and the proposer infinitely disgusted 
 by being placed at a point technically called " long leg," 
 and which will probably entail on his short legs an infinity 
 of violent exercise. This arrangement is consequent upon 
 my defalcation, and the victim scowls angrily upon my 
 mutilated form as he struts sulkily off to the post assigned 
 him, leaving me, like another Ivanhoe, to be tended by a 
 fair " sympathiser," who varies her exclamations and re- 
 marks upon the strife without by expressions of concern 
 and pity for the sufferer within. 
 
 " Oh woman I in our hours of ease 
 Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; 
 When pain and anguish wring the brow, 
 A ministering angel thou," 
 
 says the bard, and so say I ; at least," so I said cordially 
 on that sunny afternoon, as reclining at ease in the shady 
 quiet tent, waited on by fair and gentle hands, soothed by 
 the sympathy of sweet Mrs. Montague Forbes (whose first 
 husband, the late Mr. F., had been a sad invalid), I learned 
 from the energetic conversation going on around me how 
 the contest went, and, without even the trouble of looking, 
 was made aware of the changes and vicissitudes oithis all- 
 important match. To complete her entire subjugation of 
 
164 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 my indolent nature, the artful widow herself proposed that 
 I should light a cigar — " they all liked the smell so much 
 in the open air;" and Mrs. Montague herself had once 
 smoked " a whiff at one of her brothers, and it did not 
 make her the least ill ! " So I lay back upon my couch ; 
 and as I watched the fumes of my fragrant regalia wreath- 
 ing into the summer air, I realised to myself the advantage 
 of the position enjoyed by the Grand Turk, who, I have 
 been given to understand, spends the greater part of his 
 existence in the charming society of his wives, varied only 
 by the equally intellectual pleasures of his hookah. 
 
 But the match goes on, and the fair spectators, generally 
 in superlatives, exclaim upon its incidents and events. 
 
 " Gracious ! " says one, clasping her hands, " that duck, 
 Swaddles, has caught the blacksmith out ! How charming ! 
 How delightful ! How heavenly ! I'm so glad ! Fanny ! 
 ain't you?" 
 
 " How beautifully Mr. Quivering bowls," is the response 
 of that artless damsel, who is supposed to' entertain a 
 lurking predilection for the attenuated scholar. "I'm 
 sure Ripley must win ; and think of their only having ten 
 against the others' twenty- two ! So noble, isn't it? " 
 
 "Let me put this cushion a little more under your 
 shoulder, Mr. Nogo," says my enchantress, with a smile 
 that makes me forget the match, the blacksmith, the 
 rapidly- stiffening joint and probable lameness to come — all 
 and everything, save those sunny ringlets and that peach- 
 like cheek. I feel as I used to do about Kate Cotherstone, 
 and, as I had since thought, I should never feel again. 
 The moments flew in a blissful dream of bright eyes, 
 mellow sunshine, balmy breezes, and soft tones — all these 
 blended charms combining to produce that delightful 
 languor which can only be experienced in the enjoyment of 
 bodily repose accompanied by such accessories. 
 
 "What cared I that Kiplpy won in a second innings with 
 five wickets to go down? that Bagshot played as never 
 mortal played before ? that Swaddles (I quote once more 
 from the Eipley Watchman) " again retired from his 
 wicket without troubling the scorer? " or that the ex- 
 hausted players were to adjourn to an impromptu dinner 
 in the very tent where I was now luxuriating — except in so 
 
TILBTJEY NOGO 165 
 
 far as the latter arrangement promised to interrupt my 
 delightful tete-d-tUe with the widow ? 
 
 The shouters shouted ; the hand played ; Joe Bagshot, 
 in consideration of his making sixty-eight off his own bat, 
 was carried round the ground on the shoulders of his con- 
 federates ; the cloth was laid, the ale broached, and the 
 dinner ready ; but instead of being stunned by toasts, 
 overwhelmed by hurraing, and stifled by tobacco-smoke, 
 I was lolling comfortably in an open barouche in the 
 moonlight, and set down by Mrs. Montague Forbes at the 
 door of Joe's parsonage, after a drive such as seldom falls 
 to the lot of a maimed and unsuccessful cricketer in this 
 work-a-day world. 
 
CHAPTER XVI 
 
 Bring forth the horse ! The horse was brought. 
 
 In truth, he was a noble steed, 
 
 Who looked as though the speed of thought 
 
 Were in his limbs ; but he was wild — 
 
 Wild as the wild deer — and untaught ; 
 
 With spur and bridle undefiled. 
 
 Away I away I my breath was gone ; 
 
 I saw not where he hurried on. 
 
 Whoever casts to compass wightie prize. 
 
 And thinks to throw out thundering words of threat, 
 
 Let poure in lavish cup — and thrlftie blttes of meat. 
 
 Sfesseb's (Eclogues. 
 
 Thbee is a depth of philosophy in the oracular wisdom of 
 the immortal Mr. Weller which can only be equalled by 
 the pithy brevity of his remarks, striking from their 
 truth to the mind of the superficial observer, as they are 
 calculated to awaken the most profound reflections in the 
 attentive student of human nature. Not the least in- 
 structive of his apophthegms are those in which, inspired 
 by the affection of a father as by the prophetic wisdom of 
 a sage, he warns his son " Samivel " against the alluring 
 blandishments of that unsparing enemy of the masculine 
 species which he denominates " the widder." Forgetting, 
 in the magnitude of his object, such petty arithmetical 
 details as to how many ordinary women a widow is equal 
 in " point of attraction," he adjures his darling boy, in 
 tones choked with emotion, to avoid that pitiless class, 
 affirming that, although with maid or wife there may be 
 a chance of escape for the unwary victim, at no time 
 and no season is he safe with a widow! 
 If such was the case with a sexagenarian Jehu of Mr. 
 
 166 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 167 
 
 Weller's physical and mental constitution, what could 
 possess me to trust myself for a moonlight drive with 
 such a syren as Mrs. Montague Forbes, armed as she 
 was, not only with her own peculiar charms and attrac- 
 tions, managed with the natural coquetry that had grown 
 with her from her cradle, but likewise doubly and trebly 
 fortified with that dangerous experience which had been 
 acquired in the subjugation of the late Mr. 'Forbes, and 
 was afterwards brought to perfection by an unsparing 
 career of universal conquest over the male creation ? 
 How could I escape? Many an act of folly have I 
 performed in my chequered life: but, with one great 
 exception I probably never did so foolish a thing as 
 volunteering to ride her brother's famous horse " Sara- 
 band" for the Hurricane Handicap, during the ensuing 
 Weatherley Eaces. Nothing but my adoration for my com- 
 panion, which was now becoming perfectly insurmountable, 
 could have made me forget that neither by nature nor 
 education was I fitted for the task of controlling a violent 
 six-year-old plater through two tempestuous miles of 
 unbridled confusion, amidst a throng of "gentleman 
 riders," all probably, like myself, very much at the 
 mercy of the infuriated animals they bestrode. Besides, 
 though not likely long to continue so, I was even then 
 a cripple, in consequence of my ill-advised cricketing 
 exhibition; and that alone shoidd have been warning 
 sufficient not again to run myself into uncalled-for peril, 
 a prey to that thirst for display which had already involved 
 me in so many annoyances. However, I offered to do it; 
 and when I bade farewell to the enslaver, and kissed the 
 fair hand that had volunteered to work me a jockey-cap 
 gorgeous in her brother's colours, it was too late to retreat. 
 My dreams that night were a confased and chaotic "jumble " 
 of racing-leathers and muslin " aggravations," long ringlets, 
 snaffle bridles, ambition, misgiving, repentance, and appre- 
 hension. But "truth came with waking, as light comes 
 with day ; " and when I looked out from my bedroom- 
 window on the little Paradise around me, and saw Joe, 
 as usual, busy amongst his roses, need I be ashamed to 
 confess that the feeling uppermost in my mind was, " I 
 wish I was well out of it ! " 
 
168 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 There was no escape. When I descended to breakfast, 
 the first object that greeted my eyes was a note in an 
 unknown handwriting, sealed with a fox's head, and an 
 ominous "floreat scientia," which, on being opened, corro- 
 borated with its short and pithy contents my surmises as 
 to its authorship. I give it verbatim, as a despatch concise, 
 peremptory, and to the point : 
 
 " Topthorne Lodge, August the — — 
 "Dear Sib, — ^Understanding from my sister that you have kindly 
 consented to ride my horse Saraband for the Weatherley Handicap, I 
 now write to apprise you that the weights are out, and he will carry 
 lOst. 71b. The race comes off on Wednesday week, so you will have 
 plenty of time for preparation. Saraband is doing good work ; but you 
 will excuse my mentioning even to your experience, that it would be 
 advisable for his rider to be in tolerable wind, as the horse at times shows 
 a little temper 1 and is an extremely hard puller ! 1 
 
 "I remain, dear sir, very truly yours, 
 
 " John Topthobnb." 
 
 Pleasant, certainly ! Then, as soon as my leg was well 
 enough, I should have the satisfaction of living like a 
 hermit and working like a galley-slave, to reduce my " too, 
 too solid flesh " to such attenuated proportions as a bad- 
 tempered weed was capable of carrying ; and all because, 
 forsooth, Mrs. Montague Forbes happened to have been 
 bom a Miss Topthorne, and Mr. Tilbury Nogo was 
 ambitious of acquiring more than his natural share of 
 fame as a sportsman. Bagshot was delighted. I cannot 
 think why, but he, like the rest of them, seemed to have 
 imbibed the idea that I was a second Osbaldeston in the 
 saddle, and firmly believed that the experience for which 
 'Squire Topthorne gave me credit could not fail to win a 
 triumph, in which he as my host and anticipated trainer, 
 would obtain a refiective share. I had been introduced 
 to Mr. Topthorne the day before, at the cricket-match. 
 He was a great card in this part of the world, being master 
 of that old-established pack of fox-hounds which from time 
 immemorial had hunted the Pippingdon country, conferring 
 upon their supporters a right to wear that uniform which, 
 resplendent with a green lining and a black collar — startling 
 additions to the brilliancy of a red coat — and further adorned 
 with a stupendous button, displaying on its convex surface a 
 fox rampant, surrounded with the letters " E.A.P.F.H.C.," 
 
TILBUBY NOQO 169 
 
 or "Eoyal and Ancient Pippingdon Fox Hunting Club," 
 is so generally known and admired in the ball-rooms of 
 the west. Besides this he was a short, stout, peremptory 
 man, with grey hair and bushy red whiskers and, alto- 
 gether, not the sort of person to be trifled with. So, 
 trusting to my lucky stars, and secretly hoping that riding 
 a race might, after all, be a matter of no such very over- 
 whelming difficulty, I wrote the M.F.H. a civil note, 
 begging him to call at the Parsonage on the first convenient 
 opportunity, and prepared, by going into severe training, to 
 reduce the unnecessary " adipose " matter which was now 
 beginning so comfortably to clothe my frame. 
 
 Let me not dwell upon the miseries of that eternal 
 week's training! if Bagshot had been going to ride in 
 his own ponderous person, he could not have taken more 
 pains to lessen the load which Saraband was destined to 
 carry. Directly the sun peeped above the horizon, Joe 
 would knock at my door, and insist on my immediately 
 accompanying him for the diurnal walk. Two pair of 
 flannel " pettiloons," as people call them now, thick 
 winter-trousers, a couple of waistcoats, and every great- 
 coat in the house, are not the articles you would choose 
 for a costume in the dog-days. Then that infernal hill, 
 of which I could just see the top, with its solitary fir-trees, 
 from my window ! To those firs it was an honest three 
 miles, if it was a yard ; and to those firs and back, it was 
 my miserable fate to trudge every morning before breakfast, 
 and that not at the easy pace which the load of old clothes 
 on my person would have rendered warrantable, but at the 
 utmost stretch of " heel-and-toe " going I could command, 
 alongside of one of the best amateur pedestrians in England, 
 and not even allowed the unspeakable relief of breaking 
 ever and anon into an occasional "jog." Early rising, 
 with such a waste as this upon the system, would make 
 an anchorite hungry; and when I returned, ravenous for 
 breakfast, what was my repast ? A cup of hot tea, and a 
 roll between the blankets, to exude whatever small quantity 
 of vigour might still remain in the system. By the time I 
 felt utterly sapless, I was allowed to dress and eat two 
 slices of dry toast, after which — my only comfort in this 
 period of purgatory — ^Joe had not the heart to deny me a 
 
170 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 cigar. An underdone mutton-chop, and some toast and 
 water, at three, made another walk in the afternoon sun 
 absolutely indispensable ; and this penance was prolonged 
 to perhaps eleven or twelve miles. Imagine a man in the 
 position of a gentleman toddling along for bare life, en- 
 veloped in swaddling-clothes, and streaming from every 
 pore ; and conceive his meeting a lady of his acquaintance 
 when in such a predicament! I did; and although I 
 shirked Mrs. Montague Forbes's carriage with the rapidity 
 of an Eton boy when he sees a " master " in the forbidding 
 regions of "up town," I am convinced that not only did 
 that lady recognise the ludicrous pedestrain, but her coach- 
 man and footman likewise participated in the joke, as they 
 enjoyed the spectacle ere I had time to conceal myself 
 behind the nearest thicket. No supper, and a glass of hot 
 gin and water — the only liquid I really detest — concluded 
 each of these never-to-be-forgotten days ; and Joe with a 
 praiseworthy anxiety for my success, and distrust of my 
 forbearance, not only saw me to my room at night, but 
 carefully put away and locked up everything eatable and 
 drinkable that the house contained. In addition to this 
 severity of training, my friend further proposed that, in 
 order the more to confirm my powers of resistance, and 
 strengthen my frame and lungs, I should put on " the 
 gloves " with himself in a daily bout at what enthusiasts 
 term the " science of self-defence ; " but this, with a lively 
 recollection of my studies in that art under " The Muff of 
 the Minories," I resolutely and peremptorily declined. 
 Well, "time and the hour wear through the roughest 
 day;" and although a week of such preparation may 
 appear to be spun out beyond four times its usual length, 
 yet, submissive in this one respect to the immutable laws 
 of nature, it comes to an end at last. Nor is the self- 
 denying athlete without his reward. When I looked in the 
 glass, on the eventful morn that ushered in the Weatherley 
 Kaces, I beheld the reflection of a clearer and healthier, 
 albeit pallid and attenuated, countenance, than I had ever 
 before recognised as my own property whilst submitting to 
 the diurnal discomfort of shaving; and, though much 
 reduced in size and weight, I felt infinitely more vigorous 
 than I had ever conceived it possible to become on short 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 171 
 
 allowance and toast and water. My limbs had never before 
 felt so strong, in proportion to my frame, when the system 
 had been " kept up," as the doctors say, on beefsteaks and 
 port wine ; and whether it was the temperate life I had 
 been leading, or the sporting appearance of my racing gear 
 laid out upon the sofa, or, more probably still, the rainbow- 
 like cap worked by the fair hands of Mrs. Montague, and 
 sent the previous evening with her kind regards, and such 
 a pink note ! I know not, but my nerves felt braced to 
 encounter the unruly propensities of a dozen Sarabands, 
 and, for one short hour, I felt man enough to have ridden 
 — ay, even for the Liverpool Steeple Chase itself ! 
 
 Irreproachable leathers, cut out by Hammond, and made, 
 as far as the different configuration of our lower limbs would 
 admit, in imitation of those worn by Mr. Mason, of steeple- 
 chase notoriety ; boots of a texture that scarce outweighed 
 the silk stockmgs beneath, and a pliancy that would not 
 have encumbered an opera-dancer; a snowy neckcloth, 
 fastened by a gigantic pin representing " the memorable 
 start for the Derby of '44," and protected by an outer 
 handkerchief of the sportsman's bird's-eye; a silken 
 vesture, of hues to which the flamingo's wing were a 
 colourless daub; the whole enveloped in a loose white 
 great-coat and surmounted by a shaved hat, with a narrow 
 brim — ^presented a tout ensemble that I rather flatter myself 
 was not to be outdone on Weatherley race-course: and when 
 Joe drove me on to that Olympic plain, he himself con- 
 fessed that, if Saraband only looked as " like winning " as 
 his jockey, the odds in his favour were, to use his own 
 clerical metaphor, " a deanery to a deaconship." 
 
 "A lovely day for our triumph, Mr. Nogo," said the 
 winning voice of Mrs. Montague Forbes, as we brought 
 the dog-cart to an anchor alongside of her well-appointed 
 barouche; and ere I could reply in suitable terms to the 
 fair instigator of my present undertaking, and express my 
 thanks for the cap she had worked for me, I was inter- 
 rupted by the rough tones of her brother Topthorne, as he 
 rode a short, square cob, the very image of himself, hastily 
 up to the carriage — 
 
 "All right as to weight, Nogo? Look very pale!" 
 (Confound him !) " Here, jump on this mare ! I want to 
 
172 TILBURY NOGO 
 
 show you the course. There's an awkward turn at the 
 gravel-pit corner, and that is the way Saraband always goes 
 home after galloping; so I think you had better be prepared 
 for it." 
 
 And before I knew very well where I was, I found 
 myself seated on a great, lumbering, lop-eared bay mare, 
 evidently belonging to the Pippingdon establishment, as 
 what is termed "one of the men's horses," with an 
 enormous head, and her tail tucked close into her quarters, 
 as if she was only waiting for a dirty place to kick till she 
 got rid of her burthen — a consummation which her absence 
 of " mouth " made me sensible she was quite capable of 
 effecting whenever she should think proper ; and ere I had 
 time to reflect upon the inconveniences of such a downfall 
 at such a time, I was galloping for bare life after the sturdy 
 little cob and its energetic rider, to inspect the dangerous 
 corner which led so temptingly to Saraband's wished-for 
 home. 
 
 " Look here, Mr. Nogo," said the laconic Topthorne, as 
 he pulled the cob up with a jerk, and wiped his brows with 
 a yellow pocket handkerchief : " Mind that post ! that's 
 where he'll try to bolt. There's the horse — looks well in 
 his clothing, don't he? It's a pity you couldn't have 
 ridden him one or two gallops ; only, with yoii/r practice, 
 it wasn't necessary, Now listen to me. I'm a man of 
 few words ; if you can hold him, you wait upon the others 
 till you get past this turn ; don't let him run you against 
 that post ; then get up to your horses, take a pull at him, 
 and come like blazes ! If he don't win, it's your fault." 
 
 All this was Greek to me ; but it was getting so dis- 
 agreeable that I began to feel desperate. What with this 
 turn and that post, and the chance, if not certainty, of the 
 brute bolting, and then coming like blazes, which I pre- 
 sumed meant going like lightning ; and, after all, that it 
 should be my fault if I did not succeed in steering this 
 accursed animal safely home, in advance of his com- 
 petitors ! Had I not felt that she was a Miss Topthorne, 
 I should have been quite angry : as it was, I answered, 
 sulkily enough, "that it was an awkward, ugly sort of 
 course (the view, I may remark, commanded half a dozen 
 counties, and was one of the finest in England) ; but I 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 178 
 
 dared say was good enougli for platers ; and if Saraband 
 was ' worth a row of gingerbread,' he ought to win in the 
 company he was likely to meet." This uncourteous reply^ 
 I found, elevated me at once twenty per cent, in the 
 estimation of my companion ; and as we rode back to the 
 carriages, to gain a position for the first race, he listened 
 to my remarks with deferential attention. For one brief 
 and delightful half-hour I forgot my miseries, I disregarded 
 my apprehensions, I shut my eyes to my fate ; for was I 
 not sitting by sweet Mrs. Montague Forbes, in the delicious 
 sunshine ; exchanging those nothings which may mean so 
 much, especially with a widow, and reciprocating what 
 Moore calls "the twopenny-post of the eyes ; " whilst my 
 companion gazed upward into my face with that expres- 
 sion of hero-worship which we may imagine Thais to have 
 directed towards Alexander ? What was it to us that the 
 Two-year-old Stake brought one to the post, and ended in 
 a miserable " walk- over " ? — that the Farmers' Plate "for 
 horses hond fide the property of yeomen holding land 
 within the district hunted by the Pippingdon hounds, 
 and ridden by their owners," after three false starts and 
 two sworn cases of " crossing," terminated in a vreangle ; 
 the decision of which by Mr. Topthorne, as the only 
 steward present, gave such universal dissatisfaction as 
 eventually to lead to the total dismemberment of the 
 Pippingdon Hunt ? Small care had we of such trifles as 
 these, for were we not all-in-all to each other? and did 
 not the widow's hand tremble in mine, as she lent a geptle 
 pressure, and bade me " Come back to luncheon after 
 winning my race? " Come back indeed! how could I tell 
 i might not be carried back ? There was a white gate, 
 that looked the very thing, when taken off its hinges, to 
 sustain the mutilated form of a hapless equestrian ; and 
 had I not read and heard of such catastrophes, till my 
 very blood ran cold? However, it is too late now! 
 Topthorne summons me from the carriage, and, as he 
 casts his eye towards the heavens, suggests the propriety 
 of getting "the Hurricane Handicap" over before the 
 thunder-storm, which is obviously brewing, and which 
 my pre-occupation has prevented my perceiving; and I 
 am torn from the comfortable barouche and its gentle 
 
174 TILBUBT NOGO 
 
 owner, to consign my person to the miseries of a five- 
 pound saddle and the tender mercies of the impatient 
 Saraband. 
 
 "What horse is that kicking so violently in his clothing, 
 and enlarging with every lash the circle of his admirers? " 
 
 " That be 'Squire Topthome's," is the consolatory reply 
 of the rustic to whom I had addressed the unconscious 
 interrogatory, 
 
 " This way, Nogo," says the hurrying owner, as the first 
 heavy drops of rain plash upon my ungloved hands ; " come 
 and get weighed before the storm." 
 
 And, utterly incapable of resistance, I follow my con- 
 ductor into the narrow weighing-house, where a fellow- 
 sufferer is even now " going to scale," with straightened 
 legs and upturned toes, as he swings betwixt earth and 
 heaven, his whip between his teeth, and nursing on his lap 
 a confused mass of girths, snaffles, martingale, and stirrup- 
 irons. Good heavens ! it is Segundo ! And I feel for a 
 moment as if my chances of success were increased tenfold 
 by the presence of my knowing friend. Alas ! I forget 
 that with such an antagonist I cannot hope to win. Short 
 and hurried are our mutual greetings and inquiries ; 
 for the Clerk of the Course, a sporting hairdresser from 
 Weatherley, is waxing impatient of the many delays 
 occasioned by gentlemen's utter ignorance of their probable 
 weight. I have only time to ascertain that Segundo has 
 just arrived fi:om London for the purpose of riding Colonel 
 Crowther's " Stopgap," and when he casually mentions 
 that he has backed the old screw for "a pony," I feel that 
 my chance is indeed out. How I envy my former instruc- 
 tor's coolness, as, after weighing like a man whose whole 
 life had been spent in doing nothing else, he swaggered 
 off to superintend in person the saddling of the docile 
 " Stopgap ! " He never saw the horse before ; yet, when 
 he bounded lightly on his back, the animal bent his neck 
 and played cheerfully with his bit, as though he recognised 
 a master's hand, and cantered up the course with a long 
 easy swing that argued volumes in favour of Segundo's 
 judgment. 
 
 In the mean time I find myself divested of the white 
 greatcoat, and furnished in lieu thereof with a saddle alid 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 175 
 
 stirrap-irons, of much the same pattern as those which 
 caparisoned the rocking-horse of my juvenile days. I 
 swing dizzily in the scale, and, thanks to Joe's judicious 
 training, I am right to a pound. 
 
 " Make haste, if you please, sir," says the Clerk of the 
 Course, with a pen in his mouth and a red hook, like a 
 tax-gatherer's, in his hand, "for there are three more 
 gentlemen riders to weigh." 
 
 And as I leave the weighing-house in the custody of 
 Squire Topthome, I catch a glimpse of my fellow- sufferers. 
 A stout yeoman, who has entered his own half-bred bay ; 
 a nondescript elderly man, that looks like a veterinary- 
 surgeon out of practice, and presents the anomaly of long 
 grey hair streaming from under a black-velvet jockey-cap, 
 and whose qualification to ride as a gentleman consists in 
 his subscribing five pounds a year to the Pippingdon Hunt ; 
 and a tall, lariy youth, who, if not now in a funk, must be 
 at all times an individual of unnaturally pallid complexion, 
 complete the field about to contend for the Great Hurricane 
 Handicap. 
 
 I walk up the course like a man in a dream — a peal of 
 thunder is growling round the horizon, but I hear it not 
 — the rain has set in, as only summer rain can ; and a silk 
 jacket, however gorgeous in colour, is but a poor protection 
 for a wasted frame ; yet I heed it not. Topthome is 
 descanting volubly upon the strategy by which I am to win 
 the race ; but his pithy sentences fall unheeded on my ear. 
 One object alone rivets all my attention — one group of 
 struggling figures have a morbid fascination for mine eye : 
 — a chestnut horse is plunging wildly forward, with a cloth 
 about his head ; whilst a trainer, a groom, and a boy, are 
 vainly endeavouring to saddle the refractory brute. That 
 horse is Saraband ; and on that saddle am I destined to 
 embark ! Topthome's conversation seems to flow on, in an 
 unconnected string of sentences, about " coming," and 
 "going," and "waiting," and "stajmg," and "hugging 
 the posts," and " living the distance," and, above all, not 
 " disappointing the horse." How I wish I could dis- 
 appoint him ! — but it is too late now. The confused hum 
 of voices plays soothingly on my ear, as I approach the 
 spot where the chesnut horse is fidgetting ; and, with that 
 
176 TILBUBY NOOO 
 
 appreciation of trifles peculiar to moments of intense ex- 
 citement, I remark a small piece of orange-peel on the 
 turf, and wonder how much bigger it would require to be to 
 throw a horse down. An iron gripe seizes me by the 
 ankle — Topthorne's face is turned upward, towards mine — 
 an elastic pair of shoulders lengthen themselves out in front 
 of me — I am conscious that my reins are knotted extremely 
 short, that my mainstay, the trainer, has abandoned me to 
 my own devices, and I feel that I am face to face with my 
 fate. Great is my surprise to discover that the dreaded 
 Saraband requires an immense deal of kicking along to 
 induce him to extend himself in his preparatory canter, 
 and that the infuriated horse who must be saddled blind- 
 fold and ridden by an equestrian Hercules may turn out 
 the veriest slug after all. 
 
 What is it but a beautiful arrangement of Nature, 
 proving the reciprocal fitness which exists between the 
 biped and the brute, that causes a man, however nervous 
 he may have previously been, to feel, when once settled in 
 the saddle, a degree of courage rising within him propor- 
 tionate to the occasion ? Though Saraband gave me a 
 taste of his eccentricities as he wheeled round to come 
 up the course, and pulled and tore disagreeably enough 
 directly his head was turned in the direction of his own 
 stable, I felt so much more at home on him than I ex- 
 pected, that the reaction from a state of positive alarm to 
 one of comparative confidence enabled me to take notice of 
 all that was going on, and to scan, though with an inex- 
 perienced eye, the different competitors for the race. 
 
 Segundo, who was good enough to compliment me on 
 my sporting appearance as we rode together to the starting- 
 post, was the only one that appeared dangerous ; the 
 farmer's horse was evidently fat, and looked, what he was, 
 a good average hunter ; the Vet's narrow, fiddle-headed 
 weed was obviously over-trained; and the pale youth, 
 though mounted on a racing-looking animal in excellent 
 condition, was notoriously a muflf of the first water. I 
 had a sort of impression on my mind that Topthorne had 
 told me my horse was more speedy than lasting, and I 
 determined to take advantage of Segundo's knowledge and 
 experience to wait upon him throughout the race and win 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 177 
 
 at the finish, if I could — a wise resolution, and one to 
 which the only objection was the difficulty of carrying it 
 out. What a business it was to start us ! The hairdresser 
 had a good idea of how it ought to be done, and strutted 
 about with his red Sag in his hand in a most imposing 
 manner; but the team he had to deal with were obstre- 
 perous to a degree, and it would have required a far 
 more practised hand than the man of curling-irons to 
 insure to each his fair chance. First, the Vet would get 
 too far forward, and had to be cautioned, not to say re- 
 buked: then the farmer's horse dodged right across the 
 pale young gentleman, who stared about him in utter 
 helplessness. 
 
 la the meantime Saraband backs out of the turmoil, and, 
 standing bolt upright on his hind legs, is with difficulty 
 persuaded to re-enter the undisciplined ranks. When this 
 is accomplished, a fresh disturbance breaks out with the 
 bay. And, just at the moment when we are most hope- 
 lessly at sizes and sevens, the hairdresser loses all 
 patience — ^the flag drops — Saraband bounds forward into 
 the air — my cap flies from my head — every man for himself 
 — the devil take the hindmost — and we are off ! 
 
 13 
 
CHAPTER XVn 
 
 I prithee go and get me some repast, 
 
 I care not what, so it be wholesome food — 
 
 Why then the beel, and let the mustard rest. 
 
 Taming of the Shrew. 
 
 Why need my tongue the issue tell ? 
 We ran our course — ^my charger fell. 
 
 Marmion, 
 
 " I don't care— I can't help thinking you made too much 
 use of the old horse. I begged of you upon no account to 
 come till the finish ; and hang me ! if you didn't make 
 strong running the whole way round ! " 
 
 Such was the expostulation addressed to me by the dis- 
 appointed owner of the beaten Saraband as we sat in 
 juxtaposition at the ordinary table, and waited sulkily for 
 our dinner on the afternoon of the race. As in its kitchen 
 arrangements the " Green Dragon " at Weatherley was 
 like the " Green Dragon " everywhere else — ^profuse in its 
 promises, and lavish in its bill of fare, but provokiagly 
 dilatory in the production of those dishes it set forth so 
 vauntingly — I cannot better employ the interval which 
 elapsed between our sitting down to a long table, covered 
 for an ordinary of some twenty or thirty guests, the majority 
 of whom were even now impatiently beginning upon diy 
 bread, and the welcome appearance of the first tureen of 
 mock-turtle, borne by a perspiring waiter in Berlin gloves, 
 than by describing the proceedings of that eventful day, 
 which led to the ungracious remark from Squire Topthorne 
 recorded above. 
 
 The instant the flag was dropped I have already said 
 Saraband started away with a bound, like that of a stricken 
 
 178 
 

 "Saraband bounds forward into the air." 
 
 Tilburv Nnirn 1 U^agc 178 
 
TILBVBY NOaO 179 
 
 deer ; and for a few awful moments I felt utterly powerless 
 to control or even guide the tearing brute. With the small 
 muscular strength I naturally possessed reduced by inani- 
 tion ; with knotted reins, shortened stirrups, and a saddle 
 the size of a dessert-plate, all my preconceived notions as 
 to horsemanship, all the practice I had acquired in the 
 hunting-field, were utterly unavailable. Pulled over his 
 withers by his awkward "boring" ways; only saved from 
 being unhorsed by the comparative smoothness of a 
 thorough-bred one's stride ; dizzy from the terrific rapidity 
 of the pace, I was confused and helpless as a child. Luckily 
 for me, however, the course for the first half-mile was per- 
 fectly straight, nearly as deep as Knavesmire at all seasons 
 of the year, and considerably on the rise — ^this it was that 
 preserved me from destruction. Saraband, at no time a 
 stout horse, was perfectly amenable to reason before he 
 reached the first tuxn, and the ill-judged pace at which I 
 had been going had left the others far in the rear. Though 
 weakened by my training, I had the advantage of being in 
 good wind ; and as my horse dropped to my hand, and 
 became every stride less imcontroUable, the delightful 
 thought flashed across my mind that I might win after all ! 
 I tried to nurse him, I tried to steady him ; but in vain : if I 
 wished to decrease the pace, he wasted his powers in the air : 
 if I got fast hold of his head, down it went between his knees, 
 pulling me over his shoulders, and grating my unprotected 
 knuckles most painftiUy against the buckles of his breast- 
 plate. There was nothing for it but to run the race through 
 from end to. end ; and even whilst I thus determined, the 
 awkward gravel-pit corner came in view ; and here it was 
 that Joe Bagshot proved himself a trusty friend. As we 
 neared the dreaded turn, I felt by the uncomfortable 
 manner in which Saraband was going that he meditated 
 some awful act of insubordination : and when within half a 
 dozen strides of the well-known post, he got his head in 
 the air till I saw the white streak down his nose, and 
 swerving violently across the course, bore me " nolens 
 volens " in the direction of the dangerous gravel-pits. I 
 had just given myself up, when Joe's stalwart form, waving 
 a voluminous red pocket-handkerchief in the brute's face, 
 sent him back with a bound into the proper direction. The 
 
180 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 posts were a long way apart ; and although I shaved the 
 next one with my knee as we resumed our career, it was 
 on the right side, and I was never actually off the com'se. 
 It was "touch and go," and nothing but a firm reliance 
 on my stirrup-leathers, and the strong hold I had of his 
 head, saved me from a rattling fall. But in the mean time 
 the other horses were overhauling us, our swerve had lost 
 us several strides, and as I reached the distance-post, 
 Colonel Crowther's Stopgap showed his ugly head at my 
 girths. Soon he was alongside of me ; Segundo sitting 
 motionless, as if in an armchair. My blood was up, and 
 I flogged with energy, and would fain have spurred as well. 
 I thought I did ; but an after examination of Saraband's 
 sides convinced me that, with the exception of one ill- 
 directed thrust, which reached his shoulder! my kicking 
 and sprawling were wasted upon empty air. Well, I ran 
 a good second, everybody said. I finished beautifully : 
 and a good-natured remark of Segundo's, to whom they all 
 looked up as an authority, " that no man in England could 
 have ridden that awkward brute better ! " stamped me at 
 once as a jockey of the highest order. It was a triumph, 
 though a defeat. Joe Bagshot congratulated me on having 
 so nearly won. Mrs. Montague Forbes showered her 
 sweetest smiles, as I did justice to her lobster-salad. I 
 presented Saraband's groom with a sovereign, and every- 
 body was satisfied except the owner, who, having made up 
 his mind that his horse must win, could only find consola- 
 tion in such muttered compliments as the following, which 
 I unwittingly overheard — 
 
 " All nonsense ! run the horse's head off — these dandies 
 all alike — think they know better than anyone else — he's a 
 puppy, and my sister's a fool ! " 
 
 Man is a gregarious animal, and as such it is natural 
 for him to feed in the society of his fellow-creatures : but 
 although I am far from denying in theory the propriety of 
 such sociable arrangement, I cannot but confess that in 
 practice an overcrowded ordinary is to me the most dis- 
 agreeable method of discussing my daily sustenance. Nor 
 was that at which Squire Topthome presided, as principal 
 steward of the Weatherley Eaces, any exception to the 
 generality of these gatherings. After waiting forty minutes 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 181 
 
 for dinner, it is hard to have yom- soup as cold as if the repast 
 had been that length of time waiting for you ; and as mock- 
 turtle loses much of its natural merit by being chilled, so 
 is inferior sherry — " such as the Spanish nobles drink " — 
 not improved by being poured out lukewarm into a cloudy 
 glass. A waiter, though he enjoys the nearest approach to 
 ubiquity of any known animal, save the Irishman's bird, 
 cannot multiply himself sufficiently to attend to the wants 
 of some twenty guests ; nor does the ostler's assistant, 
 albeit clad for the nonce in a tail-coat and coloured neck- 
 cloth, effectually remedy this deficiency of attendance. 
 True, the female servants of the establishment render all 
 the aid in their power on the further side of the door; 
 whilst now and then she whose colour is freshest, and 
 ribbons of the gayest hue, may be tempted over the 
 threshold by one of the fortunate occupiers of the lower 
 end of the table: but such an apparition is only addi- 
 tionally aggravating to us dignitaries at the top, whose 
 turbot must be eaten without the lobster-sauce, which, 
 however, reaches the scene of action in time to supply the 
 place of that missing mustard for which we call in vain 
 with our boiled beef. Then do what you will, you cannot 
 help eating in a hurry, consequent upon the crowd, noise, 
 and confusion around you ; which reminds you irresistibly, 
 if you are old enough to remember them, of the coaching 
 dinners in days gone by. The consequence is that your 
 digestion, if not your appetite, is perfectly satisfied by the 
 time the square little pieces of strong cheese make their 
 appearance : and when the cloth is drawn, and the presi- 
 dent's hammer proclaims that the season for toasts has 
 arrived, for once contrary to the laws of Nature, and the 
 whole practice of your lifetime, you feel thankful that 
 " dinner is over at last ! " 
 
 Strong thumps from Mr. Topthorne's hammer, and his 
 stentorian voice shouting to the vice-president, "Mr. 
 Scrubley — ' The Queen ! '" produce an immediate demand 
 on the part of the guests for those " vanities " with which 
 it is their practice to moisten their after-dinner clay. 
 Strong red port appears to be the beverage most affected 
 by the members of the Pippingdon Hunt ; whilst their 
 previous experience of its excellence during dinner makes 
 
182 TILBUBY NOaO 
 
 the orders for sheny less numerous than usual amongst the 
 company. The pallid young gentleman of the morning, 
 now enjoying a far healthier bloom (who, I may remark, 
 contrived to get distanced in the race), orders claret ; 
 whilst the jolly yeoman, game to the last, and incited 
 thereto by his veterinarian competitor, shouts lustily for 
 a bottle of champagne, and pays for it on the spot in a 
 multiplicity of half-crowns. Brandy and water is not 
 without its votaries at the lower end of the table ; whilst 
 Mr. Scrubley, hair-dresser of the town of Weatherley, 
 Clerk of the Course, Vice-president of the Eacing Club, 
 and Secretary to the Pippingdon Hunt, carries a highly 
 popular motion in favour of a huge bowl of punch. The 
 members of the fox-hunting establishment, whom I observed 
 to apply themselves most religiously to port, were one and 
 all conspicuous for their ruddy countenances and portly 
 persons ; so concluding their beverage could not possibly be 
 unwholesome, I hastened to followed their jovial example, 
 thereby winning an approving nod from the president, who 
 seemed to be much of old Doctor Johnson's opinion, as 
 regarded fluids — " Claret is all very well for boys ; port for 
 men ; but he who aspires to be a hero, sir (smiling), 
 should drink brandy ! " The usual toasts having been got 
 through, and the company in a pleasing vein of jovial 
 liberality, a certain red book, bearing the appearance of a 
 ledger, made its appearance, and was handed from one to 
 the other with ominous rapidity. No one seemed much 
 inclined to master its contents, till an adventurous 
 individual, warmed with wine, and recollecting that a 
 twelvemonth would elapse ere he should be called upon 
 to pay, handsomely headed the list as a subscriber to 
 the handicap for the ensuing year, and thus purchased a 
 nomination not likely to be particularly useful to a man 
 who, as he himself told us, "never had kept race-horses, 
 and never would." Example is contagious : and ere long 
 the column was half filled, Mr. Nogo's name, I am sorry to 
 say, imprudently appearing amongst the other sporting 
 subscribers. Segundo likewise, much to my surprise, 
 favoured them with his signature; but afterwards ex- 
 plained to me that his autograph was all he thought 
 necessary to bestow ; and that having some few acres 
 
TILBUBT N060 183 
 
 in that part of the country, he considered it due to his 
 station to give them at least a claim upon one of their 
 landed proprietors ! As the decanters waned, caution and 
 shyness rapidly gave place to magnificence and bravado. 
 Phantom steeple-chases, of incalculable " entries," over 
 impracticable linos, were sketched vrith a spirit and 
 enthusiasm that made it a thousand pities they should 
 never arrive at maturity, and disclose to an astonished 
 f ountry the unheard-of clippers, of which each man seemed 
 • • have at least one in his stable. Matches over Weatherley 
 rfoe-course, for half-bred horses, to run distances varying 
 from two to four miles, vrith the rigorous stipulation that 
 they should be " half-forfeit " and " owners up," were 
 discussed in unlimited profusion, though I did not remark 
 that many of these challenges were entered into those fatal 
 pages from which there was no withdrawal, that reposed 
 under the especial care of Mr. Scrubley. (Why is it — I 
 may here ask in parenthesis — ^why is it that when gentlemen, 
 unconnected with the turf, are prompted by their worse 
 angels to make matches, involving the contest of horses 
 of unknown pedigree, they will always select the longest 
 distance and the severest course for the massacre of their 
 favourites ? It is, I believe, generally conceded at New- 
 market, that one mile, if the pace be good enough, is 
 distance sufficient to try the merits of an Eclipse, with all 
 the advantages of such preparation as Newmarket trainers 
 can bestow; but I am at a loss to conceive upon what 
 principle the squire's coachman should be unable to 
 contend with the doctor's Welsh galloway unless that 
 distance be increased fourfold.) Nor was the Babel-like 
 confusion, incidental to a large and convivial party — all 
 talking and betting at once — the only en:tertainment fur- 
 nished for our evening's amusement. Oirpheus vindicated 
 his power over these modem Centaurs ; and amidst wreaths 
 of smoke from the unfaUing cigars, the very rafters shook 
 to jocund glee and stentorian chorus. The champagne- 
 drinking yeoman, in a fine mellow voice, indulged us 
 with " The Brown Bowl ; " Topthome gave us " Tally-ho 
 the Hounds, Sir ! " and Scrubley — the accomplished 
 Scrubley — led the time-honoured catch, that preserves 
 the deathless fame of " Molly, the charming maid, that 
 
184 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 carried the milking-pail ! " Dickens's cobbler gives the 
 most unanswerable reason for dining early — "I finds I 
 gets on better at supper when I does ! " and, like him, 
 we discovered ere long that a hurried dinner at six, 
 succeeded by a protracted sitting and " a wet evening," 
 was an admirable preparation for a hot supper. " Broiled 
 bones, devilled gizzard, anchovy-toasts, and red herrings 
 fried in gin (the latter an inspiration of Segundo's, and 
 by him denominated " Hussar Broth ! ") are wonderful 
 auxiliaries to that thirst which the same authority declares 
 to be the normal condition of man; and by the time it 
 is quenched with bottled porter, pale ale, and "brandy 
 and soda," all sublunary matters assume a rosy hue of 
 contented joviality, and "We won't go home till morning! " 
 springs unbidden to the sleepless Bacchanalian's lips. 
 But there appears to be a great disturbance going on at 
 the bottom of the table ; and through the din of voices the 
 reiterated assurances of the joUy yeoman rise triumphant 
 over the storm. "Do it ! " he exclaims, his broad face 
 purple with excitement, his sturdy figure waving to and firo 
 as he grasps his neighbour's chair, and his eyes glaring 
 through the cigar-smoke like the lamps of the down-train 
 in a fog. 
 
 " I'll bet two to one he does it, without a balk or 
 a refusal ! Two to one ! who'll take it — pounds, ponies 
 or hundreds ? " 
 
 " What is it ? " " I'll take it ! " " I'll lay it ! " 
 resound through the room ; and ere I can gather from 
 my neighbour Topthorne, who waxes more laconic as he 
 gets drunk, "that the fool wants to jump his horse over 
 the dining-room table," a space has been cleared away by 
 the applauding crowd, and a slipping, staggering step, like 
 the approach of a ghost in a farce, is heard ascending the 
 wooden stairs. Sure enough the jolly yeoman has backed his 
 famous bay hunter " Shamrock," that day so unsuccessful 
 for the " Hurricane Handicap," to walk up-stairs (fortunately 
 the steps are broad and few) to carry twelve stone over the 
 "social board" as it stands, with its glittering array of 
 lights, glasses, jugs, and punch-bowls ; to walk down again 
 into his own stable, without giving his rider a fall ; and eat 
 a quartern of oats and a double-handful of beans as if 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 185 
 
 nothing had happened. The latter part of the wager is 
 not much speculated on ; hut the principal feat of clearing 
 the mahogany creates a vast amount of conversation; 
 and ere I have recovered my astonishment at such an 
 unheard-of proposition, sufficiently to form an opinion 
 of its feasibility, a clothed head makes its appearance at 
 the door, and, amidsf shouts of wonder and applause, in 
 walks " Shamrock," hooded and "done-up" for his rest, 
 looking no whit more surprised than those wonderfully- 
 educated animals which nightly astonished the play-goers 
 "over the water" at Astley's Amphitheatre. Although 
 not "broke to the drawing-room," he betrays but little 
 alarm at being stripped ; and as he cocks his ears, and 
 turns his sagacious head round to his excited master, who 
 is busy saddling him, I cannot help thinking how very 
 much the soberest and most sensible of the party is the 
 unreasoning animal. By the time he is fully caparisoned, 
 however, a difficulty arises as to the terms of the wager. 
 Shamrock is to carry twelve stone, and his owner, besides 
 being incomparably too drunk to ride, must weigh at least 
 thirteen, after all the eatables and drinkables he has been 
 stowing away so diligently — ^not that he cares a farthing ! 
 but the sharp old veterinarian, who has been eagerly 
 watching the horse, seems to scent " a good thing," and 
 will not hear of his throwing away a chance. This old 
 man, although he has been eating, drinking, and smoking 
 incessantly since six o'clock, is now as sober as when he 
 sat down ; and walking quietly up to Segundo, he whispers 
 a few words in his ear, which produce an electrical effect 
 on my friend, ever wideawake when there is what he calls 
 "anything to be done." The fact is, the horse has per- 
 formed the same feat before in his presence ; he has 
 ascertained that the animal is not much frightened, and 
 his shrewd eyes twinkle with anticipated triumph as he 
 whispers to Segundo — 
 
 "You sit quiet on him, sir, and give him his head! he 
 knows how to do it : and (sotto voce) you back him for a 
 trifle with Mr. Nogo, or the Squire ! " 
 
 Segundo, who values his neck as little as any other of 
 his remaining possessions, bounds on him in a moment, 
 having previously laid out a few " fives," to make it worth 
 
186 TILBURY NOGO 
 
 his while : the crowd draw back to give him a fair " offer," 
 as they say in Ireland, at his fence, and everything is 
 prepared for the feat, when, " fierce as ten Furies, terrible 
 as Hell," the landlady of the Green Dragon — herself a 
 host and hostess, all in one — ^bounces into the room, and 
 stalking up to the astonished Topthorne, now more than 
 half asleep, confronts him then and there on his presidential 
 throne, and pours upon his devoted head the pent-up torrent 
 of her wrath — 
 
 " Gentlemen, indeed ! and call yourselves gentlemen, 
 who are ignorant to behave as such ! which has never 
 before taken place in the Green Dragon and Commercial 
 Posting-House — for a brute hanimal to be taken like a 
 Christian out of his warm bed — and you, Mr. Topthorne, 
 the father of a family, as ought to be a respectable man, 
 and a magistrate likewise — ^to sit there and stare at a lone 
 woman like a block of wood, and never to say good or bad, 
 which is unbecoming your station and all your stations; 
 for to decent mirth I never have, and never will object, 
 which is what we all lives by ; but to be bringing your 
 racehorses and your quadrupeds up two pair of stairs, into 
 a respectable woman's principal dining-room, thirty feet 
 long, with a bay-window and mahogany dining-tables, and 
 the filth and the mess of it, is what I vnll not abide if 
 there's justice to be had for rich or poor ! " 
 
 And here an opportune flood of tears, and an attack of 
 what medical gentlemen term " hysteria " — a formidable 
 malady when seizing a stout elderly lady, of some sixteen 
 stone, and enhanced in its awful symptoms by a festive 
 costume, such as that borne by the interesting sufferer — 
 put a stop to the volubility of her abuse : and entrusting 
 her to the care of the veterinary surgeon, as the most 
 eligible substitute for a regular practitioner, we proceeded 
 with the busines^in hand, which the unfortunate landlady, 
 notwithstanding all her protestations, was compelled to 
 witness. The steed was mounted, the room cleared, and 
 the word given. Segundo sat as still as a statue upon the 
 docile animal ; and Shamrock, trotting up to the unusual 
 fence, cleared it like a deer, then stood quietly in the 
 middle of the room, snorting as though to express his 
 surprise at the vagaries of us bipeds, and pawing the 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 187 
 
 unyielding floor, as much as to inquire if we had any 
 more orders ere he might go quietly back to bed. 
 
 The landlady had in the meantime been somewhat 
 mollified by the attentions of so many gentlemen, all 
 eager to deprecate her indignation; and as, like most of 
 her sex, who, to use her own words, " cotton to be led, 
 but can't abear to be driven," she was a regular trump if 
 you only knew how to manage her the right way, she 
 quickly forgot her previous ire, in her unqualified admiration 
 of the dangerous feat; and walking up to Shamrock's 
 head, patted his smooth satin neck, amidst rotmds of 
 uproarious applause. We drank her health then and 
 there ; and the whole thing must have gone off in the 
 most triumphant manner, had not this last bumper, in 
 addition to the many which I had already quaffed 
 prompted me to undertake in my own person the most 
 dangerous part of the performance, which was to ride the 
 horse down-stairs again on his way to his own apartments, 
 and which portion of the equestrian feat, as it was not 
 comprehended in the bets pending thereon, Segundo had 
 positively declined to perform. Here, I thought, was an 
 opportunity of out-Heroding Herod, and distancing even 
 him who had instructed me in all such deeds of daring. 
 Accordingly, much to the amusement of the drunken 
 throng, and the re-awakened horror of the landlady, I 
 mounted the impatient Shamrock on his homeward journey, 
 and accompanied by the good wishes of Topthome, who 
 was unable to leave his chair, and guided by the two 
 most drunken gentlemen of the party, bearing each a 
 silver candelabrum, with its load of wax-lights swaying to 
 and fro in their unsteady hands, I reached the top of the 
 staircase without injury, and commenced my perilous 
 descent. A cat on the ice, who had been shod by the 
 mischief of the rising generation with a complete set of 
 inverted walnut-shells, is about as vivid an emblem of 
 alarm and insecurity as can well be exhibited ; but I doubt 
 if the action of Grimalkin herself, under these uncomfort- 
 able circumstances, is more uncertain than was that of the 
 cautious Shamrock in his precarious journey. 
 
 The first landing-place we reached triumphantly ; and we 
 were now directly opposite the bar-window, which opened 
 
188 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 on the stairs, and through which, the sash being up, a very 
 pretty attendant, with corkscrew ringlets, was watching 
 the performances. Ambitious of distinguishing myself in 
 the eyes of this Hebe, and demonstrating the thorough 
 understanding which, under all circumstances, exists 
 between the good horseman and his steed, I ventured 
 most incautiously to hurry the careful pace at which 
 Shamrock was so sagaciously toiling down-stairs. A hind 
 foot slipped ; a loud snort announced that the horse was 
 thoroughly terrified ; he lost his footing and his presence 
 of mind at one and the same time; with a wild plunge 
 forward he knocked down the leading torch-bearer, and we 
 were enveloped in comparative darkness. I heard a scream 
 of terror, and the crashing of woodwork — probably the 
 banisters, as I found myself describing a " parabola " over 
 my horse's head into the obscure ; and although my fall 
 was broken by its fair denizen and the whole interior 
 furniture and economy of that snuggery which is de- 
 nominated the bar, I was carried to bed sufficiently 
 confused to be utterly unconscious of the devastation 
 which accompanied my downfall. 
 
 The bill which I had next morning to pay gives me a 
 vivid idea of the general smash created by my unexpected 
 visit into this portion of the premises watched over by the 
 Green Dragon. A gentleman flying head-foremost through 
 an open window into the arms of a pretty barmaid, and 
 with her bringing to the ground a half-dozen of sherry, a 
 case of liqueur-bottles, a set of tea-things, a large fire-screen, 
 a cold apple-tart, and several jars of hot pickles, is lucky if 
 he escape as I did, with a contused shoulder, a pair of black 
 eyes (not quite such pretty ones as the barmaid's), and 
 a swinging long bill to liquidate for this unceremonious 
 method of being " called to the bar." 
 
CHAPTEE XVm 
 
 Give me mine angle. We'll to the river. There, 
 My music playing far o£E, I will betray 
 Tawny-finned fishes : my bended hook shall pierce 
 Their slimy jaws : and as I draw them up, 
 I'll think them every dne an Antony, 
 And say, Ah, ah I you're caught. 
 
 Antomy omd Cleopatra. 
 
 Let it not be supposed by the reader, to whom I have so 
 openly confessed my many follies and vagaries, that my 
 whole life, as a quiet invalid, on a visit to a country clergy- 
 man for the restoration of my health, was nothing but a 
 series of such morning adventures and midnight freaks 
 as those I have recorded in connection with my dehut as 
 a "gentleman rider." Other and more contemplative 
 pursuits served to fill up my leisure hours ; and whilst 
 Bagshot was engaged with his clerical duties, which no 
 temptation could ever induce him to neglect, I had 
 abundant opportunities for the restoration of my health 
 and improvement of my intellect in his grounds and library. 
 A book in the open air, whether it be a Dissertation on the 
 Specific Gravity of Fluids, or the last number of Pwnch, is 
 infinitely more agreeable than the same volume perused in 
 an arm-chair; and many a delicious hour did I enjoy, 
 reclining at my ease in Joe's delightful garden, basking in 
 the sunshine, or dozing in the shade, inhaling the fragrance 
 of his roses, fanned by the breeze that stole over his new- 
 mown hay (a second crop, of which the owner was justly 
 proud), and lulled by the hum of what Dr. Watts piously 
 denomiaates the "busy bee," but with whom I never can 
 help sympathising as a thorough idler like myself. All 
 
 189 
 
190 TILBUB7 NOOO 
 
 this, with the page of instruction spread open on my 
 knee — ^too often disregarded, in my intense enjoyment of 
 the surrounding atmosphere — made a paradise of in- 
 dolence, to which the addition of a " real foreign cigar " left 
 nothing to be desired — not even the black eyes which, 
 according to Tommy Moore, in conjunction with 
 " lemonade," constitute the Persian's idea of a future 
 heaven. Nor were these orbs, albeit of languishing 
 blue instead of sparkling black, very far distant from the 
 bower I so constantly frequented. From the parsonage to 
 Topthorne Lodge was but three miles as the crow flies ; 
 and at Topthorne Lodge, need I say, Mrs. Montague 
 Forbes was staying with her bachelor brother, on a 
 prolonged visit? Between the two houses, and within 
 easy reach of either, lay a broad and picturesque sheet of 
 water, called Cowslip Mere, beneath the sedgy banks of 
 which the gigantic pike loved to doze away the dreamy 
 hours of noon, whilst the lake's unruffled surface bore punt 
 and pleasure-boat noiselessly above his haunts. Here did 
 I acquire my only knowledge of the Waltonian science; and 
 here, under the tuition of mine accomplished host, did I 
 progress rapidly in the contemplative art of trolling. But 
 was the shark in miniature — the scaly monster of the 
 hideous jaw — the only attraction that lured me to these 
 golden waters ? Was it a pure admiration for Nature, or 
 an unaUoyed love of sport, that led me to enclose my 
 person in duck continuations, turned-down collars, a 
 straw hat, and a tailless jacket — a costume which it is 
 advisable for gentlemen to abandon when turned of thirty 
 — or had I truly " other fish to fry ? " Was there another 
 bait, to which I was the unsuspecting gudgeon ? Even so. 
 Antony — " broad-fronted Antony " — despised not to dress 
 the hooks of his " serpent of old Nile ; " the " first gentleman 
 in England " had his Virginia Water, nor are we to suppose 
 that he was destitute of some fair minister to carry his 
 landing-net; the "monks of old" were anglers to a man, 
 as the site of every ruined abbey and monastery vouches 
 for, with its neighbour, the trout-stream — and, although 
 inveterate bachelors, they were anything but callous to the 
 charms of the other sex, " if ancient tales say true, nor 
 wrong these holy men ; " and with such worthy examples. 
 
TILBUBY NOOO 191 
 
 before our eyes, it is not too much to say that " fishing 
 and flirting " may be coupled together with as much justice 
 as any other two unconnected pursuits. Behold me, then, 
 embarked on the crystal surface of Cowslip Mere! the 
 waters glistening in the sun like burnished gold, the 
 summer breeze sighing in the woods that fringe the lake, 
 the wood-pigeon ever and anon pouring his plaintive note 
 from their cool, shady depths, the plash of oars falling 
 drowsily on the ear, and the low, sweet, pleading voice of 
 Mrs. Montague Forbes completing the spell that pervades 
 the whole enchanting scene. Our craft is a roomy, broad- 
 bottomed punt, warranted not to upset with any amount of 
 romping, and, if pace be no object, sufficiently handy to 
 be guided (I can hardly say propelled) by two short, sturdy 
 oars. 
 
 " Youth at the prow, and Pleasure at the helm." 
 
 Our crew consists of the syren aforesaid, her brother the 
 Squire (who, not without grumbling, takes his share 
 of the locomotive labour), Joe Bagshot, and myself. 
 Four rods, supplied with all the mechanism of multiplying 
 reels, patent lines, and ill-fated natural bait, are sticking 
 out in every direction, for the entrapping of some unwary 
 fish ; whilst the spare paraphernalia which encumber the 
 bottom of the boat would lead you to suppose that a war of 
 extermination had been declared against the cold-blooded 
 denizens of the deep. Need I add that, in such society, 
 a well-filled hamper, containing cold pie, hard-boiled eggs, 
 and bottled porter, was not forgotten? The Squire is 
 toiling at the oars, and his broad face (never of the palest) 
 is now in hue like the setting sun. Mrs. Montague Forbes, 
 reclining in a graceful attitude upon the " well " which 
 contains the living, but doomed, gudgeons preserved for 
 "bait," is shading her handsome face with a gorgeous 
 parasol, and doing the agreeable most diligently to my 
 unworthy self, who am lying with my face to heaven, and 
 my straw hat protecting my eyes, in a state of indolent 
 satisfaction, having left my rod and line to trail over the 
 stem, and take its chance of any erratic fish that may 
 accidentally fancy the treacherous morsel it offers. But 
 
192 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 of no such idleness is Joe guilty. Ever keen in all matters 
 of sport, from rateatching upwards, he is now standing like 
 a Colossus in the bows of our boat (if bows they can be 
 called, which need only proceed in a contrary direction to 
 become the stern); and dexterously does he fling out the 
 glittering bait, with as much energy and precision as that 
 of the fly-fisher, who directs to an inch the gaudy 
 imitation, which I have always marvelled should be taken 
 for a real insect by the hungriest of trout. 
 
 "Under the bank, Joe," grunts the labouring Squire. 
 "Just where those weeds are parted, I had hold of a 
 monster yesterday ; but I did not give him time to 
 gorge." 
 
 Whirr goes the line, strong enough to hold a crocodile, 
 and in flops the bait at the exact spot designated. Ere the 
 circling eddy has widened into repose, the reel is rapidly 
 spinning off its coils ; and, though he scorns to complain, 
 I am sure it is burning Joe's nervous fingers as it slides 
 through his grasp. Out comes Topthorne's watch, for he 
 is punctilious to a degree in all matters of this kind ; and 
 he imposes on us an ominous silence during the prescribed 
 five minutes allowed for the doomed fish thoroughly to 
 digest his repast, nor will all the impatience of his 
 companions, to whom this pause of expectation appears 
 an age, induce him to abate one second of the accustomed 
 " law." At length, replacing his watch in his fob with as 
 much importance as if hounds had just settled to their 
 fox, he laconically observes, " Time, Joe ! wind him up ! " 
 Forward I rush with the landing-net, dripping a shower- 
 bath, in my hurry, on the very piquante summer toilette 
 of Mrs. Montague Forbes — a piece of awkwardness which, 
 with the proverbial sweet temper of a lady when angling, 
 passes unnoticed and unreproved. Joe works his reel like 
 the handle of a barrel-organ ; the rod bends to a semicircle ; 
 an unexpected resistance threatens destruction to the whole 
 fabric ; the lady opines that " Mr. Bagshot has only hooked 
 a weed, after all ; " and, for a few moments we are at a 
 dead lock. 
 
 " The brute is sulky," says Joe, (Would a biped be 
 sulky to find a silver fork in his omelette soufflee ?) " We 
 must wait till he moves." 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 193 
 
 Again there is a tumultuous rush under water. Joe 
 draws him in warily and gradually ; a white side appears 
 for an instant ahove the surface ; I make sundry ineffectual 
 thrusts with the landing-net ; the Squire swears j Mrs. 
 Montague laughs ; and everybody speaks at once. 
 Luckily, the boat is anything but what is termed " crank ; " 
 so, notwithstanding all our endeavours, we cannot upset 
 her ; and, as the Squire snatches the net from my unskilful 
 hand, amidst Joe's expostulations, and Mrs. Montague's 
 entreaties to "be quick," I tumble over the neglected oars, 
 and find myself prostrate in the bottom of the boat, along- 
 side of an enormous struggling monster, two feet and a half 
 in length, and fourteen pounds weight (angler's measure 
 and computation), whose ghastly maw, grinning defiance 
 with its double set of sharp-pointed teeth, stamps him 
 carnivorous) and cruel as his negro-fed prototype of the 
 tropical ocean. Then, what exultation and satisfaction ! 
 what reciprocal compliments on our mutual skill, and 
 expressions of wonder and admiration at the size of the 
 fish ! The Squire votes it high time for luncheon ; and 
 we propel the craft, not without difficulty, to a commodious 
 landing-place. The hamper is unpacked, the corks are 
 drawn ; with the green sward for our table-cloth, and the 
 blue vault for our canopy, we revel like so many fairies 
 at their elfin banquet ; and when Mrs. Montague Fdrbes 
 warbles forth, in a voice of which she has complete control, 
 one of our plaintive old English ditties, even her brother 
 acknowledges that " we should not have got on half so 
 well without Nelly ; " whilst I feel in my innermost heart 
 that a wilderness like this, "with one such spirit as 
 my minister," or, in other words, continual pic-nics in the 
 society of the Nelly aforesaid, would be rapture indeed ! 
 
 Thus the time glided pleasantly on ; the summer gave 
 place to autumn, fishing and cricket to dog-breaking and 
 partridge-shooting, without my seeming to note the length 
 of my visit at the parsonage, or making another important 
 discovery as to the influence of the neighbouring enslaver, 
 whose society it was that made the day speed like hours, 
 the weeks like days. A dream can hardly be called such 
 till the moment of waking renders us conscious of the 
 illusion ; and I might have lingered on in my friend Joe's 
 
 14 
 
194 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 house for months and years without ever taking myself to 
 task as to what was the attraction that made the little west- 
 country snuggery so delightful, had it not been for a sudden 
 summons which called my landlord from his home, and 
 rendered it impossible for me to remain longer in the 
 house during the absence of its master. We had returned, 
 the previous evening, from a delightftd fishing excursion to 
 a reservoir at some distance, where we had been more than 
 usually successful, and as we drove home, full of plans for 
 future amusements, and anticipation for Mure field-sports, 
 nothing was further from the ideas of either of us than the 
 immediate separation of the pair. The post, however, 
 takes no denial ; and the very next morning Joe received 
 a letter from a certain aunt of his, residing at Bath, 
 summoning him immediately to her presence in that 
 salubrious city, to manage some trivial matters tha;t, to an 
 invalid spinster, appeared of the very greatest importance. 
 The aunt was elderly and rich ; Joe was her only near 
 relation, and it would have been fatal to refuse. A neigh- 
 bouring clergyman was happy to oblige so popular a 
 character, by taking his professional duties for a time, and 
 the only difficulty that presented itself to my friend, was 
 what he called " behaving so badly to his guest." With 
 his usual hospitality, he was anxious that I should remain 
 installed at the parsonage till his return ; but as his aunt's 
 letter hinted an absence of some weeks would be necessary, 
 this was an arrangement to which I could not consent. 
 There was nothing for it, we thought, but a mutual start ; 
 and an early hour was fixed for our departure on the morrow, 
 that we might travel together as far as our diverse routes — 
 his for Bath and mine for London — would allow. This 
 point settled, everything assumed a sadly leave-taking 
 aspect; the parsonage looked prettier, the garden more 
 blooming, and the path towards Topthome Lodge more 
 attractive than ever. The latter direction I sought in vain 
 for an excuse to take, but with a nervous shyness that 
 ought to have made me sensible of my danger, I studiously 
 avoided making any proposal to Joe, as to the propriety of 
 our paying our friends a farewell visit. Luncheon time 
 arrived, and I was still as far as ever from my object, when 
 Bagshot exclaimed, as if the thought had suddenly struck 
 
TJLBUBY NOGO 195 
 
 him over his glass of sherry, "I had almost forgotten, 
 Nogo ; upon my word we ought to call upon Topthome 
 and his sister hefore we start." As may be supposed, 
 I was nothing loth, and in less than an hour we were 
 ushered into Squire Topthorne's drawing-room. 
 
 " Master was at the kennel," the servant informed us, 
 with that accurate knowledge of his employer's whereabouts 
 that a servant thinks it right to affect; "but Mrs. 
 Forbes was in the drawing-room; would we step that 
 way?" 
 
 We stepped into the drawing-room accordingly, where 
 we found that graceful lady busied in arranging a whole 
 wheel-barrow full of flowers which she had just brought in 
 from the garden, in fragrant profusion. There she stood 
 in the full glare of the sunshine, &esh and radiant as Flora 
 herself. None of your darkened rooms, and sitting with 
 the window at her back, so much affected by ladies of a 
 certain age, whose bloom will not bear the scrutiny of what 
 they call a " cross light." Widow though she was, and 
 turned of forty, if she was a day, Mrs. Montague could still 
 boast a complexion that might have vied with Hebe 
 herself; and we are not to suppose that she was un- 
 conscious of this inestimable attraction, or loth to display 
 it to the greatest advantage. Our greetings were brief and 
 cordial, and the melancholy cause of our visit explained. 
 
 " Going away?" said the fair widow, and I could have 
 sworn she turned a shade paler as she spoke ; " and so 
 soon ! We shall miss you both very much. You will quite 
 forget the west, Mr. Nogo, when you get back to London; " 
 and the look which accompanied this remark brought my 
 heart into my mouth. 
 
 What I should have replied I know not, doubtless some- 
 thing very incoherent and nonsensical ; but fortunately for 
 my presence of mind, the Squire at that moment swaggered 
 into the room. Eough and uncouth as he was, want of 
 hospitality could never be laid to Mr. Topthorne's charge : 
 and ere our errand was well explained, I had received 
 and accepted a cordial invitation to spend the remainder 
 of what he called " my summer vacation " at the lodge. 
 
 " You'll dine with us to-day, Bagshot," said he, in his 
 usual abrupt and off-hand manner : " Nogo needn't go back 
 
196 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 at all. I'll send the trap down for your things ; and in the 
 mean time, if you'll come with me, you shall see the hounds 
 fed." 
 
 There are some men whom nobody ever thinks of contra- 
 dicting, who settle everything for others as well as 
 themselves ; and who, by a certain " brusquerie " of 
 manner and decision in trifles gain an ascendancy over 
 their fellow-creatures that real abilities often fail to obtain. 
 Such was Topthome. I never could find out that he had 
 more acuteness, more judgment, or more determination 
 than his neighbours ; and yet, was there a knotty point to 
 be solved — a difference of opinion amongst his brother 
 magistrates as to the legality of a committal without 
 evidence, or a dispute between his fellow-sportsmen upon 
 the respective merits of their dogs and horses — he was 
 always respected as an authority, and referred to as an 
 arbitrator. In the hunting-field, as I afterwards discovered, 
 he was looked upon as a second Solomon. If Topthorne 
 said the hounds "never went any pace," vain was the 
 evidence of scattered riders and sobbing steeds — of panting 
 hounds, who, having raced their victim through a burst 
 that turned him up in the open at the end of two-and 
 twenty minutes, now lapped and bayed alternately round 
 the gallant fox who sealed his testimony to the pace with 
 his blood. Yain, even, was the unanswerable evidence 
 of the " compasses " applied to that depreciating Ordnance 
 map, on whose surface the deeds of modern Nimrods 
 dwindle into contempt — ^the achievement that over " the 
 mahogany " swells into an exploit worthy of the days of 
 chivalry, becomes, when subjected to this uncompromising 
 test, a mere " constitutional canter," unworthy of the name 
 of a run. But talking equestrians, foxes' brushes, and sur- 
 veyors' measurements, were all equally futUe in the opinion 
 of the Pippingdon Hunt when opposed to the fiat of their 
 Master ; and he must have been, indeed, a bold man who 
 would have ventured to appeal to the testimony of his own 
 eyesight against the assumed knowledge of the dictatorial 
 Squire. True, he did not ride particularly forward; and 
 his style of going being what they call in Yorkshire " not 
 very venturesome," he was generally upon the skirts of a 
 quick thing, his presence at the end of which was more due 
 
TILBUBY NOQO 197 
 
 to his knowledge of the country than the use he had made 
 of his horse. But then he could tell you what hound was 
 leading during every part of the run ; and from your 
 ignorance of the names of the pack, to say nothing of 
 the extra eye required for individualising that streaming 
 body which it requires all your energies and intellects to 
 keep in view, your own natural orbits being fully employed 
 in choosing your ground and scanning your fences — with 
 these drawbacks, I say, although in Leicestershire phrase 
 you may have " had the best of it every yard," I defy you 
 to contradict him. In a word, to give him his due, he was 
 unapproachable : his ear, never at fault, told him in an 
 instant the direction his hounds were taking ; and when 
 sound failed to guide him, he seemed to have an intuitive 
 knowledge of the intentions of his fox. Though a moderate 
 rider, he was doubtless a thorough sportsman ; perhaps all 
 the more so from his want of that " dash " which, however 
 indispensable to the hound, is a qualification not so desirable 
 in the impatient throng mounted and assembled to pursue 
 that sagacious animal, and whoge headlong gallantry, 
 merciful by mistake, saves the life of many a fox, as it 
 destroys the equanimity of many a master. 
 
 But to return to the Squire. For my own part I would 
 much rather have remained in the cool, fragrant drawing- 
 room, doing the agreeable to his handsome sister, than 
 have accompanied him to the odours of a boiling-house, 
 and the fiery ordeal of those scorched flags, which paved 
 his gloomy kennel. But I never dreamed of resistance : 
 as the Squire said, so must it be ; and with a rueful glance 
 at the window, and an envious look at Joe, whose im- 
 mediate attention was required by some parish business, 
 I followed my leader up the shady winding path, which led 
 to the low detached buildings honoured by the residence of 
 the Pippingdon Hounds ; and conspicuous like all other 
 kennels for a huge and hideous weather-cock, which from 
 June to January, probably out of compliment to the time- 
 honoured "Billesdon Coplowrun," pointed without devia- 
 tion due north-east! " There's music for you," said 
 Topthome, as an unearthly yowling proclaimed the vicinity 
 of his darlings ; " to a sportsman like yourself, hounds are 
 more interesting at this time of year than in December. 
 
198 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 I think I can show you a rare entry ; " and trudging past 
 a paddock, in which an equine skeleton was awaiting his 
 doom — though what there would be to eat upon him when 
 slaughtered, excited my curiosity — we arrived at the kennel 
 door garnished with innumerable noses, which the Squire 
 called "masks," heretofore owned by the gallant foxes of 
 the west ; and further guarded, with superstitious care, by 
 the witch-defyiag horse-shoe. " Mind that bitch, she has 
 got a litter," said the Squire, as an ill-favoured old' vixen, 
 with one eye, came snuffing round the calves of my legs, 
 but ill-protected by a pair of thin summer trousers, " Go 
 home, Venus," he added ; and Venus, not liking me on a 
 closer inspection, was content to depart without perpetra- 
 ting an assault, just as the factotum of the establishment 
 thrust his shock head through the kennel door, and dis- 
 appeared again like lightning, to furnish us with the 
 customary long coats and heavy-thonged whips, necessary 
 defences against undue familiarity or unprovoked aggres- 
 sion. 
 
 " Ike," as this worthy's baptismal appellation of 
 " Isaac " was universally abbreviated, deserves a few 
 words of notice as an original in his way, and a servant 
 of that accommodating kind which is, unfortunately, 
 seldom to be met with in crack establishments. He was 
 originally a denizen of middle earth, being, as he himself 
 said, " bred and bom down a coal-mine ; " but had 
 attracted the Squire's attention by his irrepressible fond- 
 ness for the chase, and the enthusiastic manner in which 
 he acted on foot as an amateur whipper-in. A vacancy 
 occurring, he was put into the establishment, and by 
 degrees became the most useful and influential personage 
 about the place. Kennel huntsman, feeder, first and 
 second whip — all these multifarious duties were fulfilled by 
 " Ike ; " and with the assistance of one boy, as idle a 
 young dog as ever went unpimished, he represented the 
 whole staff, which with the Pytchley or Quorn would con- 
 sist of at least five individuals. In the field his utUity was 
 no less apparent, and true to the destiny of his kind, he 
 "played many parts." When the Squire was "to the 
 front," " Ike " shone conspicuous as the quickest of " first 
 whips." When, as often happened, the servant was 
 
TILBVBT NOOO 199 
 
 "there," and the master only "thereabouts," he slipped 
 with ease into the character of a huntsman, occasionally 
 rating the astonished pack to his own hollpa, and in 
 that capacity showed a knowledge of the craft unsurpassed 
 by many of far higher pretensions than this natural and 
 self-taught sportsman. He was ever thinking of his 
 hounds, never of his horse, and was a living instance, with 
 an unbroken neck, of the powers enjoyed by that animal 
 when not hampered by the assistance of his rider. To 
 Bay that " Ike " was a good horseman would be absurd ; to 
 call him a bad one would be unfair. The fact is, he was 
 no horseman at all. With a short broad-shoiddered figure, 
 and a pair of sturdy bow-legs, encased in the " drabbest " 
 of cords and brownest of " tops," he sat anywhere and 
 everywhere upon his saddle that happened to be most con- 
 venient at the moment ; and, thus liberally disposing his 
 weight (by no means a trifling one), he seemed to think he 
 had done all that was required as his share in the partner- 
 ship. His " bridle-hand " was formed entirely on the 
 principle of " non-intervention ; " and no horse could go on 
 pulling at him, as he never gave him an opportunity by 
 taking hold of his head. His rein was usually loose on his 
 horse's withers, and in this form he rode at every descrip- 
 tion of fence in a cramped and awkward country. His 
 nerve, of course, was undeniable ; and, to give an idea of 
 it, I may mention an instance which occurred when he was 
 drawing a gorse covert with his hounds, on a violent four- 
 year-old, which the Squire had entrusted to him to " make." 
 The young one naturally disliking the prickly covert through 
 which he was forced, went on " bucking " and jumping in 
 a manner that would have unseated many horsemen, and 
 destroyed the equanimity of most. Not so with "Ike." 
 He sat perfectly unconcerned, "yoaxing" and cheering his 
 hounds, and scarcely deigning to touch his bridle-rein or 
 pay the slightest attention to the four-year-old, tiU, in the 
 course of his vagaries, the latter found himself directly 
 above the shaft of a worked-out coal-pit, half concealed 
 amongst the gorse ; and, taking the bit between his teeth, 
 he cleared it at a bound. The horse jumped a considerable 
 distance ; but, on alighting, detached some of the brick 
 with his hind legs, the crumbling portions of which, as they 
 
200 TILBVSY NOGO 
 
 rattled into the " profound," struck terror into the hearts 
 of those who witnessed the awful feat. How did " Ike " 
 acknowledge his escape ? Turning the young one round, 
 as if he was merely giving him a lesson in leaping at a 
 common fence, he exclaimed, "Is that the slovenly way 
 you do it? You theatrical heggar, I'll teach you better 
 manners than that ! " and ramming both spurs into his 
 sides, he jumped it agaim ! 
 
 Such was the character whom I now saw for the first 
 time on my introduction to the Pippingdon Hounds. 
 
CHAPTER XIX 
 
 My hounds are bred out of the Spartan kind — 
 So flew'd, so sanded ; and their heads are hung 
 With ears that sweep away the morning dew ; 
 Crook kneed and dew-lapped, like Thessalian bulls ; 
 Slow in pursuit, but matched in mouth like bells — 
 Each under each. A cry more tuneable 
 Was never halloa'd to, nor cheered with horn. 
 
 Midsummer Night'B Dream. 
 
 As the kennel-door opened, and I stepped into the savoury 
 precincts of Mr. Topthome's hunting establishment, my 
 first feeling was one of thankfulness to that prudence and 
 foresight which had supplied me with a long-skirted upper 
 garment, something like a weather-beaten dressing-gown, 
 and a formidable weapon for repressive measures, in the 
 shape of a most efficient hunting-whip ; not the light, 
 cane-shafted, silver-mounted gitocrajck with which the 
 dandy " customer " of " the shires " condescends to open 
 those propitious hand-gates, which makes his ox-feeding 
 and blackthorn-fenced country practicable to man and 
 horse, but a huge and ponderous weapon, iron-handled, and 
 heavy-thonged, with a punishing power that can cut "old 
 Benedict " into ribbons, and a crack like the report of a 
 pistol. Nor was my gratitude for such protection mis- 
 placed, for no sooner had the Squire put his foot over the 
 threshold of their habitation than an immediate rush of 
 four-and-twenty couple of working hounds, mostly dogs, 
 square of head, and large of limb, deep, long, thicks 
 throated, and tough-skinned, threatened to carry us clean 
 off our legs into the middle of the coming hunting season. 
 " Get over, Trueboy ! Have a care. Bellman ! Back, 
 hounds ! back ! " accompanied by a sweep of lie's pro- 
 fessional huilting-whip, modified the first eager demonstra- 
 
 201 
 
i202 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 tions of his favourites, and gave the master space to descant 
 upon the different ornaments of his kennel. Topthorne, 
 though on ordinary occasions a man of few words, had a 
 surprising flow of eloquence upon the one subject which 
 most deeply interested him, and, under the impression 
 that he had got hold of a brother enthusiast, he now 
 opened out voluminously. 
 
 " The lot you see here, Nogo, are the whole of my 
 working hounds, twenty-four couple of dogs and bitches, 
 and they come out three days a week, and a bye-day when 
 required. ' Plenty of flesh, and plenty of work,' is my 
 motto. ' Well-clothed ribs, empty bellies, blood and whip- 
 cord ; ' and, though I say it, that should not, no hounds in 
 England can carry a better head when working, or come 
 home fresher after a heavy, tiring day. Put 'em over, 
 Ike ; how long does it want to feeding-time ? " 
 
 Ike consults a huge warming-pan, which he drags up 
 by a tiny key from the recesses of his brown cords, and 
 correcting its report by a solar observation, replies — 
 
 " About an hour and a half, zur ! " 
 
 So that I am evidently in for it ! The Squire's face 
 brightens as he remarks — 
 
 " We shall have plenty of time to draft the young ones 
 ' by litters,' and then the whole of them one by one." 
 (What a prospect for a summer's afternoon !) " It is so 
 seldom I find a man that really cares for hounds, that it is 
 quite a pleasure to get a sportsman like yourself into the 
 kennel ; so we will go through them regularly," proceeds 
 the unrelenting Squire ; and, disarmed by this undeserved 
 compliment, I am compelled to submit, and with suppressed 
 yawns and feigned interest I go through the enforced ordeal. 
 
 First we have " Reveller," and " Eantipole," and " Ruby," 
 by the Duke of Beaufort's " Ragman," out of " Our Red- 
 rose." And the great sprawling brutes, combining the 
 playfulness of puppyism with the weight of maturity, 
 disturb me in a brown study about the widow, by nearly 
 knocking me down. After a minute inspection, this 
 " promising litter " are dismissed to give place to 
 " Galloper " and " Ganymede," by Mr. Horlock's " Bonds- 
 man," out of " Gertrude ; " and as there is a doubt as to 
 which of these great white monsters is to be kept, they are 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 203 
 
 submitted to a close survey for the establishment of their 
 claims to superiority. " Galloper" is a little " throaty," 
 but then he is the larger limbed of the two, against which 
 " Ganymede " is declared to be the image of old "Gertrude " 
 about the head (who must have been an exceedingly forbid- 
 ding, not to say ferocious-looking animal), and I remark 
 that Ike inclines, if anything, towards the canine cup- 
 bearer. The Squire at last appeals to me, and, taking the 
 chance of the servant being in aU probability a better judge 
 than the master, I unhesitatingly declare in favour of 
 " Ganymede." By degrees we got through the entry, and 
 anived at the drafts. Here I find it somewhat difficult to 
 preserve my assumed character as a judge of the animal, 
 for even to my inexperienced eye it is evident that the 
 symmetry and appearance of these " pickings from other 
 packs " will not counteract the latent evil qualities for 
 which they have left their respective homes ; however, it is 
 always safe to abuse a draft, if such abuse be properly 
 tempered, by comparison with the receiving establishment; 
 and when I condemn a lame, crooked-legged, overgrown 
 brute, called " Watchman," as only fit to be hanged, the 
 Squire and Ike, with admiration pourjirayed upon their 
 countenances, sentence him forthwith. I know not how 
 long I could have kept up the deception, but I confess to 
 have been oveq'oyed when the time for release came with- 
 out my ignorance of the subject being discovered by the 
 Squire. I thought once or twice I could perceive a look 
 of comic malice on Ike's rough features as he asked my 
 opinion about this puppy or that bitch ; but if he had any 
 suspicions of my imposture he kept them to himself, and 
 when feeding time arrived, and I stood complacently at 
 the troughs, and suffered my boots to be trodden on, and 
 my lower habiliments soiled by the slobbering gluttons, as 
 they unwillingly relinquished their hasty meal, I could not 
 but see that I was winliing golden opinions from my 
 enthusiastic host. He put his arm within mine as we 
 returned to the house ; and when the dressing bell rang, 
 and I proceeded Vidth more than usual care to make my 
 evening toilet, my head was dizzy, and my ears rang with 
 a conftised jumble of " Champion " and " Marygold," 
 "Wanton" and " WUful," "Guardsman" and "Grace- 
 
204 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 less," " legs and feet," " backs and loins," " capital 
 timber," "famous in his back ribs," "deep about his 
 heart," and " a lengthy lashing-looking young hound." 
 
 As I descended the stairs, in hopes of a five minutes' 
 tete-A-tete with Mrs. Montague Forbes ere the dinner-bell 
 should summon us to table, I had an opportunity of judg- 
 ing of the former tastes and pursuits of the Topthornes, by 
 the different pictures and articles of curiosity which adorned 
 the hall and landing-place. Sportsmen they seemed to 
 have been one and all, to judge from the pictorial subjects 
 and other trophies which covered the walls. Uncouth 
 representations of Newmarket in the olden time, ere 
 Frank Grant and Landseer were born, before the pencil 
 of an Aiken and the brush of a Herring had done justice 
 to the make and shape of the noblest of animals, displayed 
 a series of wooden-legged rocking-horses, with short square 
 tails, apparently just taken from the plough, to be ridden 
 in military style, at a slow canter, by individuals in cocked 
 hats, periwigs, and jack-boots. How unlike the " run in 
 for the Derby," which in the present day attracts its crowd 
 of theoretic sportsmen at every print shop window ! Inter- 
 spersed with these purchases of some turf- affecting ancestor 
 was a variety of smaller portraits, showing how the favourite 
 hunter, in his snaffle-bridle, was used to jump his gates 
 standing, in the presence of a numerous pack of hounds 
 running over a flower-enamelled sward, that suggested the 
 month of June as being in those good old times the most 
 favourable season for the chase. Here and there was a 
 full-length representation of a former Topthome, long since 
 demised, delineated with a lofty disregard for drawing, 
 and a bold taste in colours, as attired in bright-yeUow 
 breeches, brown top boots, a grass-green coat and a flowing 
 peruke. Even the ladies of the family, the ancestral 
 housewives, who had fulfilled their destiny of " suckling 
 Topthornes and chronicling small beer," seemed to have 
 been ambitious of being handed down to posterity in a 
 manner befitting the wives and mothers of a race of 
 Nimrods ; and for one that was clad as a long-waisted 
 shepherdess, holding a posy of flowers to her bosom, there 
 must have been half a dozen attired in Spanish hats and 
 buxom riding-habits. 
 
TILBUBT NOaO 205 
 
 Beneath these family pictures, glass-cases contained 
 representations of the different beasts of the chase, on 
 which the originals of the portraits had during their life- 
 time exercised their prowess. There they were cuiiningly 
 stuffed to ape real life and infinitely ^better resemblances 
 of nature than the specimens of the limner's art. Pied 
 badgers were plodding on, in their sidelong canter ; and 
 lithe, twisting otters grinning up at you with their death- 
 snarl of defiance. An amiable-looking fox, with bright 
 brown eyes, appeared to be caressing a prostrate pheasant, 
 whose plumage was fresh and radiant, as if he had just 
 fluttered away his life by the side of some leafless spinny ; 
 whilst harmless hares, in the old conventional attitudes, 
 the one eating, the other sitting up, gazed at you with a 
 placid expression of listless wonder, far different from the 
 startled glance with which the last you killed regarded your 
 retriever after you had tailored her by shooting " too far 
 behind." 
 
 Such and such-like were the decorations of the staircase, 
 down which I now descended into a comfortable and well- 
 carpeted hall, jiot too large for a sitting-room, and in 
 which the Squire kept his guns, fishing-rods, landing-nets, 
 hunting-whips, sticks, umbrellas, hats, gloves, and camp- 
 stools — everything, in short, which could be wanted at a 
 moment's notice ; and the fire-place of which was the 
 general rendezvous of every one staying in the house 
 previous to all expeditions of sport or amusement. The 
 different aparbnents, dining-room, drawiag-room, and 
 billiard-room, all opened into the hall, and vied in comfort 
 and snugness with that centre of the whole. Library there 
 was none ; nor did the Squire's tastes and habits render 
 such an addition to his occupations by any means neces- 
 sary. 
 
 In his own sanctum he possessed "Beckford," "Colonel 
 Cooke," "White's Farriery," "Burn's Justice," and 
 "Colonel Hawker's Advice to Young Sportsmen;" and 
 with this wealth of literature he was completely satisfied. 
 His sister, who subscribed to the circulating library at 
 Weatherley, generally had two or three new novels in the 
 drawing-room, and I never yet heard any of the visitors 
 complain of want of books. 
 
206 TILBURY NOGO 
 
 The outside of Topthorne Lodge was in accordance with 
 its inner arrangements; no pretensions to architectural 
 style or ornamental appearance, but eTerything sacrificed — 
 no bad plan in a country house — to thorough comfort and 
 convenience. It dated from the Elizabethan era, but in 
 all probability scarcely any part of the original fabric which 
 stood in " the golden days of good Queen Bess " was now 
 left entire. Different proprietors had improved, added, 
 taken away, and altered, according to their several ideas of 
 necessity and comfort ; so that the Lodge, as it was called, 
 in consequence of some ancient rights of forestry which it 
 conferred upon its occupant, was now a long, low, irregular 
 pile of building, with winding staircases, and quaint ins- 
 and-outs — an exterior that was in admirable keeping with 
 the thoroughly English scenery, the towering oaks and 
 broad meadows, that surrounded its walls ; and an interior 
 in which any gentleman not gifted with the bump of locality 
 would be safe to lose himself at least twice a day, during 
 the first week of his domiciliation, in its puzzling passages 
 and corresponding galleries. 
 
 Trusting to chance and a stray servant to conduct me to 
 the drawing-room, I pursued my way leisurely from my own 
 chamber, alternately making my remarks on surrounding 
 objects, and glancing down with no small satisfaction on 
 the suit of sables, in which, with a white tie, it is con- 
 sidered decorous to appear amongst your feUow-creatures 
 at feeding time. 
 
 " Could we but see ourselves as others see us " would be, 
 like most faculties which are wisely denied us, a very dis- 
 agreeable acquisition. As it is, each man is satisfied that 
 he has in himself some peculiarity of attraction which his 
 neighbours must eventually discover. Did you ever know 
 a big, bloated, bagman-looking fellow, with a face like a 
 furnace, and a frame like an ox, that did not delude him- 
 self into the idea that he was " a remarkably fine man ? " 
 or, on the other hand, was there ever a puny, half-grown, 
 wasted, bilious-looking figure, that did not console itself 
 with the conviction that it bore the impress of patrician 
 birth and gentleman-like breeding on its attenuated propor- 
 tions ? I presume I lam no wiser than my neighbours. 
 Certainly, taking Jack Kaffleton or Segundo as the type of 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 207 
 
 male beauty — and I never heard it denied by any one that 
 both are peculiarly handsome men — my face and form, 
 which are as different as possible from either of them, must 
 be far removed from the standard of perfection to which we 
 are all anxious to approach. I was an ugly boy at school, 
 but I am much altered since then — ^possibly for the better ; 
 and altogether I am content to take the opinion of my 
 tailor, who says I have a " genteel figwre for a surtout," 
 and whom I am fain to believe, although he can never 
 complete a coat for me without a dozen alterations, and 
 was once heard to say, with regard to a pair of leathers 
 (my property), that drove him out of all patience by their 
 obstiaacy, "We can make breeches, sir; but we cannot 
 reaUy make legs ! " 
 
 However, on the evening in question, I felt that if Mrs. 
 Montague Forbes' opinion of my " tout ensemble " was any- 
 thing like that which I myself entertained, her fate was 
 sealed. The widow must succumb, and surrender at dis- 
 cretion. Accordingly, I marched boldly to the attack. I 
 took her in to dinner (I was the only visitor), I drank wine 
 with her, and talked and flirted, and told second-hand 
 London stories — as good as new in the west; and when 
 the time came for her to leave her brother and myself to 
 our bottle of old port, her look, as she rustled out of the 
 room, said plainly as words could speak — " Don't stay 
 prosing here about your horses, but come as quick as you 
 can to coffee and music in the drawing-room." 
 
 Old port twenty years in bottle is a fluid which may 
 safely stand upon its own merits, vrithout fear of neglect ; 
 and it is astonishing how its influence adds to the conver- 
 sational powers of your companion, not only by conferring 
 eloquence upon his periods, but by soothing you into a 
 state of complacency highly advantageous to a listener. A 
 gentleman who can talk to you for an hour without ceasing, 
 upon the merits and pedigrees of his hounds, interspersed 
 with problematical anecdotes of their sagacity, and diffuse 
 commentaries on the nature and uncertainty of scent, would 
 hardly be considered an amusing companion, if lending his 
 assistance to the consumption of a decanter full of toast 
 and water, or a jug of iced lemonade ; but let him fill his 
 glass to the brim with the dry, full-flavoured, ruby stream 
 
208 TILBUB7 NOGO 
 
 wljicli, he assures you, in parenthesis, has been in his 
 cellar since he came of age — ^not forgetting at the same 
 time to push the bottle across the table with an injunction 
 "to help yourself" — let him smack his lips as he sets 
 down his empty goblet, and look as if he was going to ring 
 the bell, and order " the other bottle," and you feel con- 
 vinced that his eloquence is equal to that of Cicero or 
 Demosthenes, and are ready and willing to undergo the 
 ordeal of another story longer than the last, upon the 
 understanding that it shall be accompanied by a fresh 
 supply of that liquid alchemy which " turns his words to 
 gold." So was it with the Squire: he had got a listener 
 upon the only subject he loved to talk about, and he made 
 good use of him. 
 
 Ere the second bottle was done, I could have passed a 
 very fair examination on the system of kennel management 
 in the Pippingdon establishment, and could have told to a 
 fraction how much meal they consumed in a week, and how 
 many pounds of horseflesh each of these interesting animals 
 stowed away as his own proper share in a twelvemonth. 
 What a relief it was to swagger into the drawing-room, and 
 make love to the widow ! to drink the coffee she poured out 
 with her own fair hands, and to feel established at once as 
 one of the family, when the Squire, according to custom, 
 went fast asleep in his high-backed chair, and I rendered 
 my valuable assistance in the winding-off of a skein of 
 much-tangled silk, assuming the imposing attitude of a bear 
 dancing on its hind legs, and holding out my paws for the 
 reception of the confusing web ! If not the most com- 
 modious, this is certainly the most agreeable method of 
 preparing silk for immediate use. But alas for the 
 resources of the human mind ! — the conversational powers 
 of a gentleman are most unfairly taxed when he finds him- 
 self the only visitor amongst a family party, and as of 
 course they have got nothing- to say to each other, when he 
 finds he is called upon to supply topics and small-talk for 
 all. I had exhausted most of my conversation at the 
 dinner-table, and although now in the enviable situation of 
 commandiug the widow's ear, I really had nothing to say. 
 We got through " the weather," and " her garden," very 
 fast — the fading roses, the lovely walks, the surrounding 
 
TILBVBY NOGO 209 
 
 scenery, and the quaint old house — when my good genius 
 prompted me to a^ a question seldom, in so old a building, 
 replied to in the negatire — 
 
 " Have you a haunted room here ? " 
 
 " Do you believe in ghosts? " was the counter-interroga- 
 tive, " for, if you do, I won't tell you the story — it is too 
 alarming ! " 
 
 Of course I expressed my utter incredulity in those 
 unwelcome visitants, and with but little persuasion Mrs. 
 Montague proceeded to relate the following legend 
 connected with the Topthome family in the olden time. 
 The hour and scene were well calculated to do justice to a 
 ghost-story : one of the lamps had gone out, and the room 
 was in that state of semi-obscurity which is so much more 
 gloomy than actual darkness : the rising wind sighed in 
 the trees around the house ; the Squire, fast asleep in his 
 chair, breathed audibly without disturbing us by a snore ; 
 and Mrs. Montague, with her drooping ringlets and large 
 serious eyes, told her story in those low, eager tones which 
 go straight to the listener's heart ; and thus it ran : — 
 
 "Many years ago, during the reign of Charles the 
 Second, and when the gloomy and rigid manners of the 
 Protectorate had given place to the roistering habits of the 
 new regime, an ancestor of ours, one Miles Topthorne, was 
 the proprietor of the Lodge. Miles had served with the 
 Cavaliers in the Civil Wars, and had added to the natural 
 profligacy of his disposition the habits of recklessness so 
 much affected by that party. There is a picture of him in 
 the hall — a handsome, dissipated-looking man, with a bad 
 expression of countenance, to which the artist has done 
 ample justice. He was no better than he looked : he broke 
 his wife's heart, and drove his daughter from her home by 
 the disgraceful orgies in which he took delight ; and even 
 at this distance of time, the Lodge has scarcely recovered 
 the bad character it bore throughout the surrounding 
 country, for vice and debauchery. Amongst other perilous 
 amusements, it was his delight to rise at midnight &om his 
 revels, accompanied by his graceless companions, and hunt 
 the deer with hound and horn throughout the surrounding 
 forest, during the hours of darkness, scaring the solitary 
 Qottages that he passed, and making the ignorant peasants 
 
210 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 believe in him as a supernatural being, something akin to 
 the Wild Huntsman of German romance. There is a 
 chasm within a few miles of here, that is called ' Top- 
 thome's Leap ' to this day ; and the common people 
 believe that ' Mad Miles,' as they called him, accomplished 
 the dangerous feat of clearing the precipice by moonlight. 
 It was supposed — and the legend is so handed down to the 
 present time — ^that ' Mad Miles ' was not unaccompanied 
 by supernatural assistance in these perilous expeditions. 
 Stories were afloat of his having been seen preceded by a 
 shadowy form on a black horse ; and wherever his spirit- 
 leader rode, there was Miles bound to follow, and thence 
 he still emerged unhurt. Boon companions, who had 
 accompanied him on these wild flights, had been known, 
 on their return, weary and exhausted with the midnight 
 chase, to declare that they had seen Miles and ' another ' 
 far before them in the moonlight, when they had abandoned 
 the unsuccessful pursuit, and to inquire of each other, with 
 blank visages, as to which of their number had so far 
 distanced his competitors. The answers were never 
 satisfactory; but then, to be sure, men who hunt in the 
 dark after supper, are not likely to give a very clear account 
 of their proceedings. But, unfortunately, the Topthorne of 
 that day did not confine his vagaries to these moonlight 
 rides. He was the terror of all whose families could boast 
 of beauty, and who valued their good name. His assigna- 
 tions with the damsels of the surrounding district have 
 given the name of ' Lover's Oak ' to a huge old tree at the 
 ftirther end of what is now the park ; and, amongst others 
 in whose ears he poured his tale of treachery and falsehood, 
 was Alice Torwood, daughter of his sub-forester (for Miles, 
 like his fathers, was keeper of the forest), and commonly 
 called ' The Lily of the Lea.' His advances were long 
 received with scorn and horror by the high-minded maiden; 
 but the cavalier, accustomed to consult only his own 
 ungoverned passions, thought little of using force where 
 persuasion was of no avail, and ' The Lily ' was carried off 
 at midnight irom her father's house. She was brought to 
 the Lodge a raving maniac. Tied upon his powerful horse, 
 behind her captor, who shall describe the horrors of that 
 dark, desperate gallop ! In her incoherent lamentations, 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 211 
 
 she raved of a demon-form that had pursued her on a fiery 
 black horse ; of a frightful chasm, over which Miles had 
 urged his steed, to escape from his unearthly companion ; 
 of rivers of blood, through which they had waded — and sure 
 enough, when she arrived at the Lodge, her dress, as well 
 as that of Miles, was stained with gore; and of fearful 
 conflicts between her captor and the demon, waged at 
 intervals, when the latter's superior speed enabled him to 
 come up with the flying couple. But her words were 
 merely regarded as the ravings of madness ; and although a 
 young forester of the district, formerly attached to Alice, 
 was found dead in the forest, with a sabre thrust through 
 his heart, no inquiry, in those unsettled times, was made 
 into the business, and Miles Topthorne, unsuspected and 
 unpunished, pursued his former career of unbridled licence 
 and profligacy. In the mean time, ' The Lily ' remained a 
 close captive in one of the rooms above-stairs. Liquiries 
 were made in every direction by her family, but no clue was 
 ever obtained as to her whereabout ; and the agony of her 
 father, in his uncertainty as to what had become of his 
 darling, was perhaps preferable to the knowledge of her 
 actual fate — out of her miad, and a prisoner in the house of 
 such a man as Miles Topthorne. But the unaccountable 
 part of the story is to come. ' Mad Miles ' was brought 
 home one morning, after a midnight gallop, with a broken 
 neck ; nor was this a catastrophe that should have created 
 any surprise, but, on that very night, ' The Lily ' had 
 disappeared from her prison-room, nor was she ever after- 
 wards heard of. She may, with the cunning peculiar to 
 maniacs, have eluded the vigilance of those employed to 
 watch her, and, when once out of the house, have pre- 
 cipitated herself into one of the many ponds or streams 
 which abound in this neighbourhood. But, be it as it may, 
 no traces of ' The LUy ' have ever yet been discovered ; 
 and many a peasant vowed that, on that fatal night, he was 
 woke from his sleep by the shrill blasts of a horn, mingled 
 with piercing screams from a woman's voice, and, rushing 
 to the window, he caught a glimpse of a hurrying cavalier, 
 with a white figure behind him, galloping through the forest 
 in the moonlight, and closely pursued by a shadowy form of 
 unearthly proportions, mounted upon a huge and fiery black 
 
212 TILBUBT NOGO 
 
 horse. Since then, the room that ' The Lily ' occupied is 
 supposed to be visited at full moon by sundry shrieks, 
 groans, and mutterings ; and one of our housemaids left, a 
 few years ago, in consequence of meeting, as she declared, 
 a white, transparent figure on the very threshold of the 
 apartment : we now call it the Pink Dressing-room, and it 
 opens into the Blue Bed-room — the one which you occupy. 
 As you do not believe in ghosts, I have told you the story. 
 Be good enough to light me a hand-candle. Good-night, 
 Mr. Nogo, and pleasant dreams to you ! " 
 
CHAPTER XX 
 
 A heavy sammons lies like lead upon me, 
 And yet I cannot sleep. 
 
 Macbeth. 
 
 Dan. — ^He is indeed a horse, and all other jades you may call — beasts. 
 Con. — ^Indeed, my Lord, it is a most absolute and excellent horse. 
 
 King Henry the Fifth. 
 
 HoBAOB recommends the sleepless Boman to swim thrice 
 across the Tiher, and ere he seek his couch to drench his 
 frame with wine — a classical way of rendering what we in 
 the vernacular term " passing a wet evening." And doubt- 
 less this was good advice to the luxurious denizen of the 
 Imperial City, unaccustomed to take sufficient exercise, and 
 imbibing in his revels only the pure unadulterated produce 
 of his sunny and vine-clad hills. We gather fi;om history 
 that the masters of the world were claret drinkers; the size 
 of their drinking-cups, the frequency of their toasts, their 
 aversion to " heel-taps," which we infer from their recorded 
 habit of striking the brim of each up-turned goblet against 
 the thumb-nail, to show what thorough justice had been 
 done to its contents — aU these little social and convivial 
 practices prove beyond a doubt that had " black-strap " 
 been the particular " vanity " imbibed in such profusion, 
 there would have been few instances of a senator walking 
 to his couch ; and " as drunk as Julius Caesar," instead of 
 being, as it now is, a pleasiint and classical metaphor 
 betokening inebriety, would have stood recorded, in sad if 
 not in sober earnest, as an undoubted historical fact. Now 
 the "other bottle" of strong port, acting upon a frame 
 already diluted with sundry glasses of dry champagne and 
 " curious " Madeira, doubtless produces a slumber which, 
 
 !il3 
 
214 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 if it were only long in proportion to its depth, would be 
 refreshing to the last degree ; but unfortunately ere " the 
 cock's shrill clarion or the echoing horn " has proclaimed 
 the approach of day, an unwelcome fit of vigilance overtakes 
 the prostrate Bacchanalian, and with parched throat and 
 aching brow he tosses to and fro upon his couch, too rest- 
 less to relapse into slumber, and yet in a most unfit condi- 
 tion to be up and doing. 
 
 Mrs. Montague's ghost story was buzzing in my ears 
 when I sought my dormitory. I certainly wound up my 
 watch, though I have no distinct recollection of extinguish- 
 ing my candle ; therefore I cannot have been the least 
 under the influence of Bacchus ; no, it was probably the 
 salad — salad never does agree with me — or the coffee might 
 have been too strong : but it clearly was not the wine that 
 caused me to awake about three o'clock in the morning, 
 very much heated, rather nervous, and extremely indisposed 
 to go to sleep again. 
 
 The full moon was pouring her beams into my chamber 
 through a chink in the shutters, and the clock in the 
 passage, whose every tick had for some time been irritating 
 my over-strung nerves, gave its three silvery strokes, and 
 then went on with its aggravating " one, two," louder than 
 before, when to my infinite discomposure I fancied I heard 
 a slight scream in a woman's voice. My first impulse was 
 to put my head under the bed-clothes; but making an 
 effort to master this not very valorous instinct, I sat up and 
 listened ! Who, that has ever gone through this per- 
 formance in the middle of the night, will deny that it is, to 
 say the least of it, the most uncomfortable method of pass- 
 ing the time usually devoted to repose ? how the slightest 
 sound appears magnified to an alarming degee — how every 
 horror, of which the newspapers are always full, becomes 
 present to the mind at once — how the boards of hitherto 
 silent passages and deserted rooms crack, as though trodden 
 stealthily, by ghost or robber, of no fragile weight — ^how the 
 feeling of apprehension merges into irritation, and vice 
 versfi, till you hardly know whether you are most alarmed 
 or provoked, and how in the midst of all these misgivings 
 you generally drop insensibly into a disturbed slumber, 
 from which you wake next morning, at an hour when you ' 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 215 
 
 ought to be dressed, unrefreshed and very much ashamed 
 of yourself. Such is the usual conclusion of a broken 
 night's rest ; but when you have been credibly informed, 
 from lips on which you place implicit reliance, that you are 
 actually next door to a haunted chamber, Morpheus is more 
 chary of his favours : and never at high noon did I feel 
 more thoroughly broad awake than during the weary hours 
 of the first night I spent at Topthome Lodge. 
 
 Again that stifled scream — again that light and stealthy 
 foot-faU passing my very door. Flesh and blood could 
 stand it no longer; and in sheer desperation I jumped 
 wildly out of bed and rushed into the passage, with a sort 
 of morbid impulse, that bid me face the worst at once, and 
 get it over. 
 
 Cold crept the night air around my defenceless limbs ; 
 for my garment was scant, and the draughts which pervaded 
 the old house were pitiless; but the bodily discomfort I 
 experienced was nothing, compared to the mental chill that 
 shot through my very marrow, when at the further end of 
 the long gloomy passage I distinctly saw a white trans- 
 parent-looking figure vanish through one of those swinging 
 green doors, so especially adapted for the exits and 
 entrances of ghosts. Had I not been the solitary occupant 
 of " the Visitors' Wing " — ^had there been another denizen 
 of that haunted locality to rush to his chamber door in 
 terror, I rather think I should have firightened him, as I 
 stood in the cold moonlight paralysed with horror — ^my 
 mouth open, my hair on end, my snowy drapery floating in 
 the night breeze, and my eyes fixed with a stony glare on 
 the disappearing sceptre. But alas ! I had no companion 
 to encourage me with his bodily presence. I was alone — 
 all alone now ; for the ghost was gone : and much discom- 
 fited under the combined feelings of shame, fear, and a half 
 suspicion that the whole might be a trick to impose upon 
 my credulity, I again sought my couch; and at length, 
 when the cheerful dawn made its appearance, and the 
 " early birds " were twittering gladly to meet the approach 
 of day, I found courage to resign myself to a heavy slumber, 
 fi-om which I did not awake till the sound of a great bell 
 tolling somewhere in the neighbourhood of my bed-room 
 announced that breakfast would be ready in that short half- 
 
216 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 hour, which argues a toilette either completed with wonder- 
 M dexterity, or else curtailed of some of its most essential 
 forms. 
 
 The Squire said I looked " seedy ; " the widow hoped I 
 had slept well, alid not been visited by the " Lily of the 
 Lea ; " and breakfast passed over without any further 
 remark on the disturbance of the night, which appeared 
 not to have aroused my host or hostess. 
 
 Bolder in the daylight, and ashamed of my alarm, I 
 thought it best to say nothing of my unwelcome visitor, 
 though for an instant the unchivalrous thought crossed my 
 mind, that if this sort of thing was to go on every night, 
 not even the charms of Mrs. Montague Forbes' society 
 during the day could compensate for such a life of terror ! 
 and I had better frame some excuse that might withdraw 
 me from the dangerous neighbourhood of Topthorne Lodge 
 and the romantic regions of the west. But the widow 
 smiled as widows only can, and day after day saw me 
 lingering on, a welcome guest at the rough Squire's table, 
 a willing captive to the attractions of his sister. Occasion- 
 ally as I lay awake in the Blue-room, I fancied I could 
 hear a footstep stealing gently along the passage ; but after 
 a brief struggle with my pride, I generally buried my head 
 beneath the bed-clothes, and emerged again hot and breath- 
 less, when I imagined the apparition must have passed 
 away ; and whether it was the old port, or the country air, 
 or more probably the healthy out-of-doors life I was leading, 
 I know not ; but I found that altogether I slept passably 
 well, and my quarters agreed with me amazingly. 
 
 Day after day glided away, and found me stiU a visitor 
 at the Lodge. Friends came and went, and seemed to 
 consider me as one of the family. Partridges got wild, 
 pheasant-shooting began, cub-hunting became less and less 
 gothic in its hours, and instead of six o'clock, I used to 
 mount the Squire's roughest pony, always very much at my 
 service, and hie to the fast mellowing woods at half-past 
 nine. 
 
 I like cub-hunting : it is a sort of earnest of the delights 
 about to be produced by the coming season ; and if, as 
 moralists tell us, the charm of pleasure lies chiefly in its 
 anticipation, how much greater must be the satisfaction of 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 217 
 
 the chase (particularly as you need not ride over the fences) 
 when every day brings it nearer and nearer to its perfection, 
 than when the drying winds of spring have parched the soil, 
 the gaps been made up, stiff and plashed, and as high as a 
 man's chin, and everything, from the staring coats of you» 
 hounds to the battered legs of your hunter, warns you that 
 the end of your favourite sport is near at hand ! 
 
 Well, November was approaching, and still I was at the 
 Topthome's. No intelligence arrived from Bagshot, and to 
 the Squire's pressing invitation to remain until his return, 
 and begin "the season" in the west, what could I reply but 
 a grateful affirmative ? And yet it all seemed like a dream 
 — what with shooting, and fishing, and flirting; pic-nics, 
 when the weather was fine ; driving with Mrs. Montague in 
 her pretty pony-carriage with its quiet pony (for Mrs. M. 
 was too timid to mount a horse, gentle creature !) when it 
 was doubtful; and playing at battledore and shuttlecock 
 with her when it was rainy ; the time glided by in peaceful 
 happiness — all the more insidious for its tranquillity. 
 Reader ! have you ever played battledore and shuttlecock 
 across a billiard-table, with maid, wife, or widow — ■ 
 especially the latter ? If you never have, take my advice 
 and don't try — " Where ignorance is bMss 'tis folly to be 
 wise ! " And should you vnsh to escape the common doom 
 of your sex — to live and die unfettered by the matrimonial 
 tether, imscathed by Hymen's torch ; unimprisoned within 
 his magic ring ; a free man from tears and trousseaux, 
 gauze and gossips, bother and bride-cake — then take your 
 diversion at bowls with the parson ; at skittles with the 
 gamekeeper ; ay ! even at dcarte with the Frenchman ; but 
 don't play battledore and shuttlecock with a lady. Need I 
 add how the danger is enhanced when the said lady, in 
 addition to her opportunities of fascination as an inhabi- 
 tant of the same dwelling with yourself, is possessed of 
 a rounded figure and a beautiful arm, shown to their 
 greatest advantage as she strikes the winged mischief-maker 
 high into air; a fresh complexion, deepened into a rosy hue 
 by the exercise and the pv/rsuit; and long sunny ringlets that 
 droop over the prostrate shuttlecock, in playful despair, as 
 she picks it up with a ringing laugh at "her own stupidity," 
 and declares it is " so provoking we cannot keep it up above 
 
218 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 a hundred and twenty ! " Such was my lot; and strange 
 to say I wilfully shut my eyes to the danger, and still 
 played on. I have often wondered whether the late Mr. 
 Montague Forbes was an adept at this game, and whether 
 this was the method adopted to capture that austere and 
 puritanical gentleman (for such I have been given to under- 
 stand was his character) : probably if not so, some other 
 equally efficient snare was prepared, and the bait — ^like that 
 of a sagacious keeper — was adapted to the nature of the 
 vermin to be entrapped. Well, as I have already said, the 
 time slipped on merrily enough, and that important epoch, 
 the first Monday in November, was rapidly approaching. 
 I had decided to remain with the Squire at least till 
 Christmas, and abandoning all visions of distinction in 
 " the shires " — all ambition of shining amongst the daring 
 dandies from Melton, or, effecting a brUliant escape from 
 the crowd of infuriated centaurs who periodically over-ride 
 the Pytchley Hounds, I had resolved to go deeply into the 
 science of the thing, and have a good spell of wild hunting 
 in a wild country with Squire Topthorne and the Pipping- 
 don Hounds. The master was delighted, as masters are 
 always are with the compliment implied by a desertion of 
 other hunting establishments in favour of their oivn, and 
 kindly offered to put me in the way of obtaining the 
 material for enjoyment, in the shape of two good useful 
 nags, at the lowest possible expenditure. 
 
 "Maggs is the only fellow to deal with," said the 
 Squire ; " I bought old ' Blunderbuss ' of Maggs. I'll tell 
 you what, Nogo — we'll go over to ' the Paddocks ' the day 
 after to-morrow, and see what he has got." 
 
 When the Squire said a thing should be done, I always 
 remarked that done it was ; and accordingly a soft, mellow 
 morning towards the close of October saw Topthorne and 
 myself leisurely progressing in his sister's pony-carriage 
 towards the picturesque abode of the west-country horse- 
 dealer. Mrs. Forbes's old pony was a favourite, and not 
 used to be hurried; so we had ample time to enjoy the 
 beautiful scenery through which we passed. How unlike, 
 in its romantic confusion of hill and dale, wood, water, and 
 open moor, to the flat surface, the large grass enclosures, 
 and the trim regular hedgerows, which I had been taught 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 219 
 
 to associate in my mind with the enjoyment of the chase. 
 It was a scene to have enraptured Poussin; though old 
 Goosey would probably have passed it by in disgust, for he 
 could scarcely have made the same remark upon its merits 
 with which he replied to the inquiries of his last kind- 
 hearted and liberal master, as to what he thought of the 
 wonders of the metropolis. From his attic in Piccadilly he 
 had looked with a sportsman's eye over the surrounding 
 expanse, and although he had come up from Leicestershire 
 for the express purpose of seeing all that was most worth 
 seeing in the great centre of ci^isation, his characteristic 
 answer of " Take leave to say, Sir E., there seems a good 
 deal of grass in the place ! " shows what was the subject 
 that, even in the mqdem Babylon, lay nearest to the 
 veteran's heart. But the country through which the old 
 pony dragged us so leisurely was as unlike the pastures of 
 Ranksborough as the surface of the Green Park. Here 
 we skirted a rugged copse, hanging its rich autumnal 
 foliage over the lane we followed ; there we forded a rivulet 
 brawling down from a bluff and rocky slope, which almost 
 deserved the name of a mountain. At every turn in the 
 road we came upon some fresh object of varied beauty ; and 
 at length, embosomed in a secluded valley, through the 
 level sward of which a tempting trout- stream stole silently 
 along, we arrived at a quaint old-fashioned public-house, 
 bearing the somewhat unaccountable title of " The Goat in 
 Boots," and adorned with a cunning representation of that 
 animal in such unusual attire — whence, after sundry 
 coercive measures to prevail upon the unwUling pony to 
 pass that well-known resort, a few hundred yards brought 
 us up to the unpretending line of stabling, and comfort- 
 able though lowly dwelling known as " The Paddocks, 
 Tiverley," and much frequented by the Pippingdon sports- 
 men in their dealings with Mr. Maggs. 
 
 The arrival of even our modest equipage created an 
 immediate commotion in the establishment; and with a 
 sort of " Guard, turnout ! " alacrity, the myrmidons of 
 Mr. Maggs became instantaneously on the alert, as though 
 one and all scented a customer. A red-armed damsel, 
 brandishing a frying-pan, peeped forth from the kitchen; 
 a stunted ostler, vrith bandy legs and one eye, received the 
 
220 TILJBUBY NOGO 
 
 reins from the Squire with a kind of silent reverence that 
 showed his veneration for the office of a master of hoimds, 
 and patted the pony as if it were an old acquaintance ; 
 while the proprietor himself, emerging from a loose box, 
 with a straw in his mouth, and a bustling air of giving 
 many directions at once, peculiar to horse-dealers, masters 
 of hotels, and other functionaries whose time hangs heavy 
 on their hands, lifted his hat in rapid succession to his 
 visitors, marking by the tone of his different greetings, 
 " Good morning. Squire ! " and " Your servant, sir ! " the 
 different estimation in which be held a chance customer, 
 and an old patron. 
 
 " Will you walk round the stables this morning, gentle- 
 men? " says Mr. Maggs, in an off-hand sort of manner, as 
 if we had not come for that especial purpose. " Naylus ! " 
 (a west-country abbreviation for Cornelius) *' open that 
 box! Horses look ill at this time of year; but it is 
 beautiivH. weather, certainly, for the country. Have you 
 had much sport with the gun, Squire? " 
 
 And thus Mr. Maggs runs on, as if it were imperative on 
 him to fiad conversation for his customers, as well as 
 hunters ; and with the further view of putting off as much as 
 possible the transaction of actual business till after 
 luncheon. The Squire is a good judge of a horse, as 
 Maggs well knows ; and accordingly, although he cannot 
 resist the usual practice of showing us every brute in the 
 stable before we arrive at "the plums," the enforced 
 inspection is gone through in half the time it would have 
 taken had I been there alone ; and after passing in review one 
 or two weedy, long-tailed five-year-olds, an overgrown bay 
 horse with curbs, and a broken-down steeple-chaser, none 
 of which are worth the trouble of having out, we are intro- 
 duced to a grey of very promising appearance, and contem- 
 plate him for some minutes in mute admiration. After yon 
 have ascertained that a horse is quiet in the stable, felt 
 his crest, passed your hand down his legs, and picked up 
 his foot, into which you glance as you might look at your 
 watch, and from which you derive about as much infor- 
 mation, there is always an awkward pause, during which the 
 customer is at a loss what he ought to say or do next. Now 
 is the time for the dealer ; and now Mr. Maggs begins — 
 
TILBURY NOGO 221 
 
 "You don't see many shoulders like those, Squire!" 
 (observe, the grey is a good shaped-horse, but his shoulder 
 is the worst point about him)—" they can't help riding 
 pleasant when they're made like him ! feel his legs, Mr. 
 Nogo— /ajwotts legs and feet, and some rare hocks and 
 thighs those, Squir^, to help him through the dirt ! But 
 I never take notice of make and shape. Give me 
 performances, says I : let me see a horse perform, Mr. 
 Nogo, and I estimate his value by what he does in the 
 field. Now I sent that horse last week with ' Naylus,' to 
 meet Mr. Wildrake's hounds cub-hunting ; and I says to 
 ' Naylus ' says I — ^you keep with the hounds. Well, they 
 ran from Torwood Vale to Wild-Overton — and the Squire 
 knows what that is — and ' Naylus ' he never left them. 
 There was only three of them would have the Tiverley 
 Brook — ^no, I beg pardon, Mr. Nogo, I'm telling you a lie 
 — ^there was five charged, it, but only three got over ; 
 ' Naylus ' he led the field upon the grey : Mr. Wildrake's 
 huntsman followed him, and wanted his master to buy the 
 horse ; but I kept him for the Squire here to see. I think 
 there's few like him in any country, but I may be deceived. 
 Will you see him out, Squire? " 
 
 And " Naylus " is forthwith summoned to saddle the 
 grey, whilst we pass on to the next box, containing a 
 strong useful brown horse, short in his legs, and with all 
 the appearance of a hunter. Here we have nearly the 
 same " recitative," varied with the different exploits 
 performed by this sob^r-looking animal in timber-jumping, 
 which appears to be his forte, and in the indulgence of 
 which taste the heroic "Naylus " is related to have ridden 
 him over a complicated double post-and-rail, no later than 
 the end of last season, which had previously been the terror 
 of all the neighbouring hunts. The brown horse, after an 
 observatioij of mine, derogatory to his beauty (for he has a 
 large plain head), and which Mr. Maggs passes over in 
 silent contempt, is likewise ordered to be saddled ; and in 
 the mean time the dealer courteously entreats us to " step 
 in and take a little refreshment ; " without which no trans- 
 action in the way of business is ever supposed to be able to 
 proceed. 
 A comfortable parlour hung round with sporting prints, 
 
222 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 a slice of pork pie washed down by a glass of sparkling 
 home-brewed ale, the newest of bread, the freshest of 
 butter, and the raciest of cheese, the whole put to rights 
 by a small glass of undeniable white brandy, prepare one 
 to look upon all sublunary matters — quadrupeds or other- 
 wise — ^with an indulgent and favourable eye ; nor when you 
 have offered your hospitable host a capital cigar, and lit 
 another yourself, do you find that its wreathing ftunes at 
 all discompose or decrease this charitable frame of mind. 
 Both the Squire and myself liked the grey horse a good 
 deal better when we saw him out ; and as the short-legged 
 " Naylus " trotted, cantered, and galloped him here and 
 there, he really looked under his pigmy burden, a fine 
 powerful animal. 
 
 " Take him over those rails, * Naylus,' " said Mr. Maggs 
 in an off-hand manner ; and " Naylus," nothing daunted, 
 turned him at a fair-sized timber fence, bounding the soft 
 level meadow in which he was careering. Like most horse- 
 dealers' men, " Naylus " possessed better nerves than 
 hands ; but the grey, though held in a grasp like a vice, 
 and urged upon the off-side by a single spur, jumped his 
 fence cleverly, and landed in the field beyond in undeni- 
 able form. Back comes "Naylus" over the hedge, and 
 again the horse does what is required of him tractably and 
 well. He "reins up" where we are standing, arches his 
 neck, snorts as though he liked the fan, and I begin to 
 covet him. The Squire lays his leg over him, and gallops 
 round the field, and I like him better and better. Mr. 
 Maggs does not interfere with the favourable impression by 
 any ill-timed remarks, but merely says, " Would you like to 
 feel his action, Mr. Nogo? " and much as I hate an unknown 
 " mount," I too have a taste of the grey. With stirrups 
 the wrong length, and a confused mass of hard, thick reins 
 in my hands, I cannot make him go unpleasantly ; and as 
 I return to where Maggs and his man are standing, and 
 hear the former remark, as if he did not know I was within 
 hearing, " Evidently a workman, ' Naylus.' I should say a 
 gent, from Leicestershire ! " I decide upon buying the 
 grey " coute qui coute." Elevated by the luncheon, the 
 brandy, and the gallop, I proceed forthwith to mount the 
 brown horse, who is now brought out to sustain hia 
 
TILBUB7 NOGO 223 
 
 cliaracter, and as he is very fresh, and the saddle not 
 yet warm to his back, narrowly escape getting kicked oif 
 for my rashness. However, a sharp canter round the field 
 makes us acquainted, and with a lively faith in Mr, Maggs's 
 representations of his jumping powers, and a lurking 
 ambition to show these west-country sportsmen the 
 capabilities of a " gent, from Leicestershire," I turn 
 the brown horse's great fiddle-head, not without trepida- 
 tion, at the rails. He faces them Ijoldly enough ; but at 
 the last moment stops dead-short, and refuses with, as I 
 suspect, a touch of temper. The Squire laughs, and I feel 
 in honour bound to ride him at them again, with an inward 
 anticipation of a fall, and a confirmed disgust for " larking." 
 I give him another chance : again he stops short, but 
 thinking better of it at the last moment wriggles his fore- 
 hand over, and clears the remaining portion of his frame 
 with a lash of his powerful hind-quarters, that sends me 
 clean over his head, to alight on the broad of my back in 
 the splashing water-meadow. I get up rueful, crestfallen, 
 and irritated, but not the least hurt; whilst the brown 
 horse careers round the field with streaming rein and tail 
 on high, in undisguised exultation at his liberty. There 
 is nothing for it but to buy him as well as the other, to 
 show that I can ride him ; and after a good deal of desultory 
 conversation, a glass of hot brandy and water, much 
 haggling as to price, many compliments from Mr. Maggs, 
 and a curious arrangement entered into, by which a certain 
 sum is specified as the price of a certain article, and a 
 certain per-centage on that sum returned for luckf I 
 re-enter the Squire's pony-carriage a richer man in the 
 amount of my personalities by one grey and one brown 
 gelding, warranted sound in wind and limb ; and a poorer 
 one in my funded property by the sum of one hundred 
 and seventy-five pounds — the price of the quadrupeds 
 aforesaid; besides one golden sovereign bestowed as a 
 free gift on the one-eyed Cornelius, and requested by that 
 enterprising functionary wholly and entirely /or luck.' 
 
CHAPTER XXI 
 
 " Felled on the Tlew, the opening pack, 
 Bock, glen, and cavern paid them back ; 
 To many a mingled sound at once 
 The awakened mountain gave response — ' 
 An hundred dogs bayed deep and strong, 
 Clattered an hundred steeds along." 
 
 Lady of the Lake. 
 
 My old friend Jack Raffleton, in his hunting days, used to 
 avow that the happiest moment in his life was when he said 
 to his servant, " Call me to-morrow morning at half-past 
 seven ; and let the hacks be at the door by nine." Mr. 
 Jorrocks, that most immortal of Nimrods, dearly loved the 
 ride to cover, "the mud on his top-boots, and the smell 
 of the morning h'air." Whilst many an aspiring sports- 
 man, I verily believe, prizes beyond all other hours of the 
 day, that moment of relief in which he dismounts from 
 his jaded hunter, and hies to his long-wished-for " dressing- 
 gown and slippers," and the welcome embrace of his " too 
 easy-chair." 
 
 But none of these authorities, however much they may 
 disagree as to the exact period which brings them their 
 greatest amount of felicity in connection with the chase, 
 will venture to deny the charm of that most sociable of 
 meals — a hunting-breakfast ; not the uncomfortable repast 
 taken in the dark, with a fork in one hand and & button- 
 hook in the other, by the hurried citizen, who makes "the 
 express " his covert-hack, and who knows not what it is to 
 start for his destination in " The Vale " at a later hour 
 than six a.m. : not the modicum of milk and soda-water 
 which, with half a devilled kidney, forms the sole support 
 of the dissipated youth, whose two thorough-bred hacks 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 225 
 
 must be "told out" between Melton and Kejthorpe, 
 because their "wide-awake" master played whist this 
 morning till two, and smoked till four: no, the hunting- 
 breakfast I mean is that at which a party of quiet steady- 
 going sportsmen meet at some picturesque old country house, 
 with clear heads, rosy faces, and sharpened appetites ; men 
 whose affection for hunting "vies (and it is saying a good 
 deal) with their regard for their dinners; who kaow the 
 points of a hound, the line of a fox, and every gap in 
 the fences within twenty miles — such a breakfast, in short, 
 as we sat down to, in the comfortable morning-room of 
 Topthorne Lodge, on the Squire's first hunting day in 
 November. 
 
 At the top of the table, half hidden by the urn, the long 
 sunny tresses of Mrs. Montague Forbes drooped over the 
 tea which she knew so well how to sweeten to my taste : 
 need I add that, late or early, a place was reserved for 
 me at her right hand? Old Mr. Shaftoe and his wife 
 were staying at the Lodge ; and sundry jolly squires and 
 substantial magistrates, rejoicing for the most part in 
 roomy cords and stout black boots, had dropped in to 
 partake of the morning meal. The hounds were to meet 
 on the lawn, and all were fiill of hilarity and anticipation. 
 
 I thought the lady glanced admiringly at my attire as I 
 made my appearance, clad with the strictest attention to 
 costume, in well-cleaned leathers and deserving "tops"; 
 and even the Squire, although stoutly repudiatihg dandyism, 
 nodded his approval of my "get-up." 
 
 Breakfast progresses — ^the eggs disappear, and the ham 
 wanes rapidly. The post arrives, and the squires one and 
 all exhibit that rabid eagerness for the newspaper, which 
 in middle-aged country gentlemen supersedes all other 
 considerations. I am deep in my second cup of tea, and 
 becoming gradually absorbed in a reverie as to the probable 
 merits <rf my new purchase, the gallant grey, whom I am 
 about to ride with hounds for the first time, when Mrs. 
 Montague's eager exclamation of " a letter from Bagshot ! 
 and what do you think ? " startles us all into attention. 
 
 " You'll never guess, John," she continues ; " you'll be 
 so surprised, Mr. Nogo — ^Bagshot is going to be married/ 
 and of all people in the world, to cousin Kate ! " 
 
 16 
 
226 TILBUBT NOGO 
 
 In my ignorance of the fascinating relation who, under 
 the cognomen of "cousin Kate" has subjugated my old 
 friend, I address some immeaning congratulations to the 
 excited lady, and her somewhat indifferent brother ; but the 
 torrent of feminine eloquence, once let loose by so prolific a 
 subject as a wedding, rushes on unchecked. 
 
 " Such a short acquaintance — quite love at first sight, 
 Mr. Mogo — and she seems so much attached to him. They 
 are to be married immediately, and he will bring his bride 
 here at once. What a nice clergyman's wife she will make, 
 and so pretty ; but there are few girls like Kate Gother- 
 stone ! Shall I give you some more tea, Mr. Nogo ? you 
 
 have upset your last cup all over your " here Mrs. 
 
 Montague checked herself, and, fortunately for me, dis- 
 tracted the attention of the company firom my manifest 
 confusion. 
 
 I never was so completely taken aback — could I believe 
 my ears ? " Kate Cother stone going to be married to 
 Bagshot ! " I inwardly ejaculated ; " and a cousin of these 
 people, with whom I am on terms of such intimacy — ^this 
 is a go ! And coming here almost immediately ; but 
 perhaps it may not be my Kate Cotherstone," and with 
 this slender consolation I summoned up courage to make 
 further inquiries of my delighted hostess. 
 
 " Did you never meet the Cotherstones ? " she proceeded ; 
 " he is a great sportsman " (very like it, thought I) ; " and 
 she is a most good-humoured pleasant woman — a cousin of 
 ours. They used to have a charming little villa ia Wiadsor 
 Forest ; but they have been abroad lately. I am sure you 
 would like them so much : and as for Kate, she would 
 captivate you altogether," added the widow, with a glance 
 of triumphant malice and conscious success in her mis- 
 chievous blue eye. 
 
 The truth was now completely revealed. A villa at 
 Windsor, and a tour on the continent, left no doubt as 
 to the identity of that dangerous family, and stammering 
 out some incoherent remark, as to " having met them once 
 at Ascot," I took advantage of the Squire's impatience, 
 which was now waxing highly irritable, to make my escape 
 to the lawn, where the hounds were already assembled, and 
 there, in the fi-esh morning air, endeavoured to regain that 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 227 
 
 composure whicli this startling and unwelcome intelligence 
 had BO completely put to flight. 
 
 What to do I knew not. la the first place, notwith- 
 standing all that was past and gone, notwithstanding the 
 fascination exercised over me by Mrs. Montague Forbes, I 
 was still sufficiently sore from the feelings I had so lately 
 entertained for the too charming Kate, not to relish the 
 idea of meeting her as the bride of another, and that other 
 my old friend Joe Bagshot. 
 
 In the next place, this was hardly a connection that 
 would be advantageous to that worthy and respectable 
 divine ; and was it not my duty to warn him, before it was 
 too late, of all that I knew concerning this very enterprising 
 family ? But then, if they were indeed people to be avoided 
 (and no one had better reason to think so than myself), 
 what was to become of sundry day-dreams gilded by the 
 widow's smile, ia which I had lately indulged ? If m^ 
 friend was to be dissuaded from marrying Kate on account 
 of her connections, how could I consistently enter into an 
 alliance with her mother's first cousin ? And if such a 
 proceeding was to be immediately dismissed as out of the 
 question, was I not in honour bound to leave Topthome 
 Lodge immediately, and at once break off an acquaintance — 
 to call it by no softer name — ^fraught with such dangers and 
 inconveniences? This, however, would destroy all my 
 arrangements for the autumn, and put me to great personal 
 discomfort — always with me a primary consideration ; 
 besides, I doubted my own stoicism if once it should come 
 to bidding the widow farewell, to say nothing of the 
 difficulty I should find in parrying the Squire's direct 
 questions, and his friends' roundabout inquiries, concerning 
 my speedy departure. There was no Jack Eaffieton to 
 advise me : I never had enough energy to act entirely for 
 myself ia a doubtful case ; so adopting my favourite plan of 
 being guided by circumstances — ^like those doctors, who, 
 leaving Nature to herself, suffer her to kill the patient ia 
 her own way — ^resolved to take no decided course, but to 
 wait philosophically for such events as should duly arrive 
 upon the stream of Time. 
 
 It was now necessary to turn my attention to the business 
 of the day, as the Squire was already mounted on his famous 
 
228 TILBURY NOGO 
 
 horse "Blunderbuss," and, with his hounds around him, 
 two or three of whom I recognised as my tormentors in the 
 kennel, was all anxiety to begin. Whilst he is drawing his 
 own laurels, shrubbery, flower-garden, and washing-green, 
 with a small patch of gorse on the hill, in which the butler 
 sees a fox every morning, and which, as a matter of course, 
 is invariably drawn blank, I may find time to describe the 
 assemblage of sportsmen who now meet my view, and who, 
 I am given to understand, comprise the Hite of the 
 Pippingdon Hunt- 
 To begin with the Squire and his stud. The equestrian 
 was probably as unlike the famous squire of Leicester- 
 shire notoriety, as " Blunderbuss " was to " Ashton," 
 which, if the description I have had from eye-witnesses 
 of the latter clipper may be relied on, was a difi'erence 
 sufficiently obvious to the most careless observer. But yet 
 Jack Topthome, as his familiars called him, was a varmint- 
 looking fellow enough : despite his stained coat, with its 
 abominable collar, despite his drab cords, cloth tops, huge 
 hunting-cap, uncouth gestures, and ungainly seat, there 
 was a game flash in his eye that looked like "killing": 
 and I fancied that it was indeed bad scenting weather when 
 the Pippingdon hounds were short of "blood." Though 
 unmistakeably "rough," the Squire looked "ready," and 
 appeared what he was — a thorough practical sportsman. 
 As fbr "Blunderbuss," a greater brute I never wish to 
 see : with a large, ugly head, lop ears, a sleepy eye, and a 
 white face, he had not one single beauty to make amends 
 for his mealy bay coat — of all colours, to my fancy, the 
 most unsightly; and yet, though a cross-made horse, he 
 had some good working points about him, but even these 
 were disfigured by the shortest tail I ever saw upon a 
 hunter. This was a crotchet of his master's, for which I 
 was quite prepared by a conversation I chanced to overhear 
 in the Squire's dressing-room, a few weeks previously. A 
 new purchase had lately come home ; and, contrary to his 
 usual practice, "master" had bought him fi:om "character," 
 without a personal inspection. Accordingly, no sooner had 
 the animal entered its future quarters than the groom 
 hurried to "master" with a report of the fresh arrival. 
 The Squire was dressing for dinner, with his door locked ; 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 229 
 
 but I plainly heard the following colloquy carried on from 
 either side of the unopened barrier : 
 
 Squire: "Well, Ike" (for that functionary united the 
 office of stud-groom to his other avocations), " what sort of 
 a looking horse is he ? " 
 
 Ike : " Loikely, zur ; hut uncommon low in flesh he 
 be." 
 
 Squire : " Mash him to-morrow, and physic the next day. 
 And, Ike, what sort of a tail has he ? " 
 
 Ike : " Shortest dock I ever see anywheres — longest hair 
 I ever see here." 
 
 Squire : " Very well ; cut his tail off square with the 
 dock— that'll do, Ike." 
 
 After this, my surprise was greater to behold Blunderbuss 
 with any vertebral termination at all, than with the short 
 four inches that spasmodically answered every application 
 of his master's spurs. 
 
 As was the Squire, so were his field, modified, certainly, 
 in particular instances, but still one and all of the " drab 
 and ditch-water" school — heavy-thonged hunting-whips 
 (a " cut-and-thrust " punisher is an abomination unknown 
 here), short tails, and snaffle-bridles, with a general family 
 resemblance in their jolly complexions, which I could only 
 attribute to their getting their port from the same wine- 
 merchant, and drinking it in equally liberal quantities. 
 They seemed to know one another well, and the country, if 
 possible, better, and were chiefly men of a certain age, on 
 which, as on their old jokes and time-honoured anecdotes, 
 they rather seemed to pride themselves. 
 
 Why is it that at every fixture in every country, not 
 excepting the so-caUed fast " shires," for one man under 
 thirty you shall find a dozen above forty amongst those who 
 comprise the field ? It is as unaccountable as the accom- 
 panying fact, that hunting — far from being on the wane, 
 as those who bewail the absence of " young ones coming 
 on " would fain lead us to suppose — ^is becoming, year by 
 year, a more popular amusement ; somewhat, it must be 
 confessed, to the detriment of sport, and greatly to the 
 danger of " forward riders " and " tail hounds," but stiU a 
 satisfactory reflection to the true lovers of the glorious 
 pursuit. It may be that the young ones now-a-days are 
 
230 TILBUBY NOOO 
 
 rather pinched for money — it may be that the old ones 
 undoubtedly last longer than was the case with the pre- 
 ceding generation, and when the governor and the heir 
 of entail each keeps a stud, it is rather a case of " burning 
 the candle at both ends ; " but whatever may be the cause, 
 the Pippingdon Hunt was by no means singular in the 
 proportion it showed of " the prime of life " versus the 
 glorious spring-time of delicious twenty-one. Besides these 
 veterans in their scarlets and collars, there was a parson of 
 coiu'se ; and although unassuming, quiet, and gentlemanlike 
 in his appearance, as is invariably the case with his pro- 
 fession, he was obviously the fastest of the lot. As I took 
 off my hat to return the bow with which Mr. Rockly 
 honoured my introduction to him, and ran my eye over his 
 lathy figure, graceful seat, and long, low, well-bred chestnut 
 horse, I could not help thinking if there is any truth in 
 appearances, you are a first-flight man anywhere and every- 
 where, be it in a steeple-chasing "scrimmage" fi.'om 
 Shankton Holt or the Coplow, be it in a sobbing fifty 
 minutes over the Vale of Belvoir after a thaw, or be it in a 
 long wild foxhunting run, over moor and mountain, " bank 
 and brae," ragged copse and brawling river, from such a 
 rough, straggling, picturesque woodland as we are even now 
 about to draw. 
 
 "Yooi in. Bellman andBonnylass! — stand still Blunder- 
 buss ! " says the Squire in a breath, as he forces the bay 
 horse to take up his position on the side of a bank, and, 
 standing erect in his stirrups, contemplates his hounds, 
 bustling through the still leafy underwood. " Ike," on a 
 five-year-old, has already clapped on to a certain comer, 
 without thinking it necessary to wait to be told to do his 
 duty ; and there he sits like a statue, looking all ways at 
 once, and eagerly watching for a view: not that he wiD 
 holloa if he gets one, as long as there is a hound able to 
 speak to the scent : no, the Squire stands no holloaing, 
 and woe be to the man, servant or gentleman, that gets 
 those square sagacious heads up from their proper occu- 
 pation. 
 
 The hounds are drawing the covert well, and with a 
 certain busy keenness that betokens a scent. The Squu'e 
 gets into a ride, terminating in the only hand-gate in the 
 
TILBVBY NOCtO 231 
 
 country, and fumbles hurriedly for his watch, as old Bustler, 
 snuffing eagerly under his horse's nose, throws up his 
 enormous head, and with a deep prolonged note, like that 
 of some triple-tongued Cerberus, proclaims a find ! There 
 is no swell, hard-riding, first whip, to rouse the echoes 
 and scare the wood-nymphs with his loud-cracking thong 
 and unnecessary injunction to " get together," addressed to 
 a pack who are straining every nerve in their efforts to 
 score to the cry. " Ike "is at the further end of the 
 covert, at least half a mile off, and the Squire's horn is left 
 undisturbed in its case. 
 
 The hounds have every advantage, for the fields are close 
 packed in the lane, like so many herrings in a barrel, and 
 the fastest horse out would scarce get round the wood in 
 time to head the fox. Now they are running gloriously, 
 throwing a chorus around them that beats the keys of a 
 pianoforte for variety, and what musicians call "expression." 
 We gallop up the lane, parallel with the line, squelching 
 through the puddles, and flinging the dirt in one another's 
 faces, like so many maniacs. See " Ike " has a view, with 
 his cap in the air ; but the well-trained scout is as mute as 
 a mouse. 
 
 It is evident our fox is away; and the lessening chorus of 
 the deep-mouthed pack announces that they too must have 
 reached the open. The squires wax firantic ; standing in 
 their stirrups and grinning with excitement, they make 
 superhuman efforts to " get forward," and the "breadth of 
 beam " cased in its drab-cord covering, and revealed by 
 many a pair of fluttering crimson taUs, shows how right 
 are these ponderous equestrians in holding their na,gs hard 
 by the head. Mr. Eockly and the chestnut turn short out 
 of the " ruck," and disappear over an awkward stile to the 
 left ; but although this is undoubtedly the most direct way 
 to hounds, I can neither pull up in time to follow him^ nor 
 have I sufficient confidence in the grey to charge such 
 an ugly impediment. I gallop on accordingly with the 
 tide. We turn the corner of the wood, dash over a solitary 
 cottage garden, skirt an orchard, squeeze through a gap 
 in a high bank of hazels beyond, and emerge upon the open 
 moor. What a line ! what a country ! not a fence in the 
 whole of it ! and such galloping ground — a soft elastic 
 
232 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 sward of tiaffced grass and heather, that cames a scent totally 
 unknown to less favoured localities, and with room enough 
 to " blow " an Eclipse at the rate we are going. Far ahead 
 of us, rising the opposite hill, stream the lengthening pack, 
 actually tailmg from pace ; but one and all owning the scent. 
 " Ike " is shaking his reins alongside of them ; and Parson 
 Eockly, leaning well forward oyer the wiry chestnut's 
 shoulders, is creeping gradually up to his place. We shall 
 never catch them like this, in fact they are perceptibly 
 gaining upon us even now ; but in hunting, every day proves 
 the converse of the old coaching aphorism, " what the big 
 'uns do by strength, the little 'uns do by cunning " — in the 
 field, where the light weights get by speed, the heavy 
 weights get by sagacity ; and just as the hounds disappear 
 over the crest of the hill, the heaviest and rosiest of my 
 companions shoot off at a tangent down a half obliterated 
 cart-track to the right. Like sheep after the bellwether, 
 we follow his hoof-marks, and for a considerable period, 
 during which we never slacken our speed, we might, as far 
 as hunting goes, as well be galloping up Eotten Eow, for 
 all we see of the chase. Once our pilot pulls up short, 
 takes off his hat, wipes his beaded brow, and listens for 
 an instant. I catch the distant melody on the breeze — 
 down goes the hat with a cram, up he gets in his stirrups, 
 and away again faster than before. We round the shoulder 
 of a hill, and come upon a picturesque and copse-clothed 
 dingle, where we find the hounds at fault, and strenuously 
 endeavouring to recover the scent. "Ike " is sitting quietly 
 on the five-year-old (who looks a good deal blown), waiting 
 with praiseworthy patience till they shall have made their 
 own cast. Parson Eockly has leaped off the chestnut, and 
 is turning his horse's head towards the breeze with an ex- 
 pression of intense enjoyment on his countenance ; and the 
 hounds spreading like a fan, are feathering and snuffing 
 for the scent, conscious that they will be undisturbed till 
 they have quite done with it. I look round for the Squire, 
 and behold him nearly a mile further down the dell, ready 
 to come to his hounds should they require his assistance. 
 How he got there no one can tell; but with a sort of 
 instinctive knowledge of the line of a fox, he had arrived 
 at the very spot where his hounds, on recovering the scent, 
 
TILBUBY NOQO 233 
 
 afterwards crossed the brawling streamlet that divided the 
 ravine. ' ' Ike ' ' was preparing to lift them, when ' ' Eantipole ' ' 
 proclaimed that they required no such assistance; and 
 stooping together to their work, they hunted merrily on, 
 down the banks of the stream, into a more inclosed and 
 habitable-looking country. 
 
 And now began the humours of the chase. Hitherto 
 it had been all plain sailing, the fastest galloper and the 
 best-winded horse had the advantage ; but the ground upon 
 which we now entered was a deep holding plough, with 
 only an occasional grass field, enclosed by high rotten banks 
 and " pleached " fences ; while the lanes were few and far 
 between, and the gates occasionally locked. Of all breaches 
 of confidence, that of locking a gate is the most unpardon- 
 able ; and, if anything can add to the heinousness of such 
 duplicity, it is the farther outrage of turning downwards 
 the upper staple on which it revolves, thereby rendering it 
 impossilsle to obtain a commodious egress by lifting the 
 gate off its hinges. Alas ! that such " a dodge " should 
 have reached the unsophisticated west. Under these circum- 
 stances ride we must ; but it takes a considerable time for 
 a string of cautious gentlemen to follow each other, in due 
 and well-timed rotation, over a series of double fences ; 
 and, although the hounds are only hwnting, not running, 
 I soon find that my view of the sport becomes again 
 limited to the cords and coat-tails aforesaid. Every now 
 and then I catch a glimpse of the parson " doubling " a 
 high, awkward fence, in masterly style, two or three fields 
 a-head of me ; whilst, occasionally, I can see " Ike " shaking 
 his elbows and running in his spurs, as he hustles the young 
 one at some large and uncertain impediment ; but there 
 is plenty of occupation nearer home. Our corpulent pilot, 
 warmed by the work and excited by his hitherto unparalleled 
 success, rides boldly at the weakest place in a straggling 
 treacherous sort of hedge, and comes upon his head in 
 an artfaUy-concealed ditch. After this he discreetly aban- 
 dons the post of honour, and at each succeeding obstacle 
 there is a ludicrous politeness displayed by the field in their 
 unwillingness to go first. Then what ' ' come ups ' ' are heard, 
 as a stout gentleman, perched on the summit of a bank, 
 to which he has arrived by a series of cautious advances, 
 
234 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 is startled by the unwelcome discovery of a second yawning 
 ditch as a trap for the unwary, into the abyss of which he is 
 convinced nothing saves him from being precipitated but 
 the fast hold he has of his horse's head and the unmerciful 
 "job "he inflicts on the docile animal. At last it gets 
 to " leading over ; " when luckily, just as the chance of again 
 seeing hounds is becoming more hopeless than ever, a level 
 green lane, running straight as a line for miles, greets our 
 delighted eyes. It is a continuation of Watling-street, 
 or Leeming-lane, or Amen-comer, for aught I know ; but 
 never before did I feel so thoroughly grateful to the 
 conquerors of the world as when that old Boman road hove 
 in sight. There is an ugly fence between us and the wished- 
 for highway, which, as " a gent from Leicestershire," I find 
 I am generally expected to negotiate first; and, with a vivid 
 idea of a fall, I harden my heart and go straight at the 
 obstacle. The grey does it so weU, and lands so cleverly 
 in the lane, that I feel quite ashamed of not having ridden 
 him more forward ; but am consoled by the consciousness of 
 having been surrounded throughout by the Mite of the 
 Pippingdon men. I see a red coat clattering along on the 
 same friendly road a few hundred yards in front of me, 
 and, as I gradually overhaul the owner, I discover it is the 
 Squire, whose hounds are running through a farm-yard 
 a couple of fields to the right. As I near him he puUs out 
 his watch, and giving old Blunderbuss a "refresher" with 
 both spurs, he exclaims, " An hour and ten minutes, Nogo ! 
 he is running for his life." Sure enough the conclusion 
 seems near at hand : the hounds are dashing up one hedge- 
 row and down another, with bristles up and sterns down, 
 as though they were maddening for his blood. All at once 
 up go their heads ; and, after a vain effort to recover the 
 line, they stand looking about them in helpless bewilder- 
 ment. There is a woodland, a field to our right, and the 
 earths are open at Mellerton, two miles further on. The 
 Squire's mind is made up in an instant ; thrusting his tired 
 horse through a gap in the fence, which I should never have 
 perceived, with one blast of his horn he gets his hounds 
 round him, and casts them back. Probably he thinks his fox 
 much too hot to seek the woodland, and that had he 
 persevered in making his point for Mellerton we should not 
 
TILBUBT NOaO 235 
 
 have checked. The event proves the Squire was right. He 
 had lain down in the ditch behind us, and the hounds 
 had overrun the scent for a field and a-half . How they take 
 it up in that orchard : ha ! yonder he steals, below the fence, 
 towards the gate ; they view him as he crawls under its 
 bars, and, tumbling over one another with the rush of a 
 cataract, they precipitate their two-and-twenty couple of 
 bodies on that gallant little morsel of draggled fur. Who- 
 whoop ! who-whoop ! resounds in every key — Jke tumbles 
 from his horse amongst his darlings ; Topthome's face 
 beams with delight ; Parson Rockly wishes the Master joy 
 of " so gallant a fox and fine a run ; " and the rest of the field 
 who, thanks to the Eoman road, are mostly forthcoming, 
 burst out into a Babel-like chorus of congratulation and 
 applause. The pilot, heated up to boiling pitch, makes 
 it an hour and twenty-five minutes by his watch ; but as 
 he did not come up till some little time after the conclusion, 
 it is probable that although his run may have been of that 
 duration, ov/rs was not quite so long : the Squire's description 
 of it in the following words is more likely to be correct — 
 " Not a bad run for the provinces, I think you must allow, 
 Mr. Nogo; eleven miles from point to point, over a fine 
 wild country, with but two trifling checks, and done in an 
 hour and seventeen minutes." 
 
CHAPTER XXn 
 
 Dined, o'er our claret we talk o'er the merit 
 Of every choice spirit that rode In the run ; 
 
 But here the crowd, sir, can talk juat as loud, sir, 
 As those who were forward, enjoying the fun. 
 
 Svnting Song. 
 
 Do you pity him ? No : he deserves no pity. 
 Wilt thou love such a woman ? What I to make thee an 
 Instrument, and play false strains upon thee ? — not 
 To be endured. 
 
 As You Like It, 
 
 Time — half-past eight o'clock at night; scene — a snug 
 dining-room, a blazing fire, and a horse-shoe table, on the 
 polished surface of which the massive cut-glass decanters, 
 sparkling with old port, that glows like liquid rubies in the 
 firelight, are making their rapid and welcome rounds. The 
 dinner has been excellent, the company agreeable, Mrs. 
 Montague and the ladies have just retired, and we stretch our 
 legs under Jack Topthorne's mahogany with that delightful 
 sense of repose and comfort which those alone experience 
 whose exercise in the open air has been pushed up to the 
 point at which fatigue commences, but has stopped short of 
 actual " distress." How loose and easy are the thin sable 
 " continuations," to limbs that have been encased since 
 morning in the uncompromising buckskins of the fox- 
 hunter ! how grateful the soft, well-cushioned chair, to a 
 frame that has been pounding for some eight or nine hours 
 on the unyielding pigskin, perchance with low cantle, and 
 flaps devoid of stuffing or support ! How, as the mind 
 looks back through a halo of enthusiasm on the event of the 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 237 
 
 day do the difficulties and mischances of the chase wane, in 
 proportion to the waning decanters, whilst its exploits and 
 its triumphs stand out in bold and glorious relief ! ' ' Breathes 
 there the man " that cannot at least go, " over the 
 mahogany" — whose nerves are not braced (for the time) to 
 that pitch at which ox-fences are a privilege and a delight, 
 whilst wood and water, in the shape of stiles and brooks, 
 as negotiated in countless succession by his " little bay 
 horse," furnish themes for the pleader's eloquence and the 
 poet's fire ? 
 
 The after-dinner autobiography of an equestrian is usually 
 a surprising display of self-deception and infatuation. Then 
 how general is the epidemic, attacking equally the old and 
 the young, the bold and the timid; the "customer" who 
 has all day " had the best of it," and who may to-morrow 
 attempt perhaps a third of what he vows to-night, and the 
 sceptical veteran, whom nothing but a continuous line of 
 gates, and an unusally lucky turn, has enabled to scramble 
 up in time to see the finish of to-day ! " How well your 
 grey horse carried you, Mr. Nogo ! " says my next-door neigh- 
 bour, whom I had remarked in the morning as the stoutest 
 man I ever saw riding a cob : "you went like a bird, sir : 
 I was close to you the whole time/ " "What a beautiful 
 turn the hounds made in the bottom, Topthorne, just before 
 we came to the brook," says another, anxious to draw the 
 attention of the conipany to the solitary exploit which he 
 has persuaded himself he accomplished — " by-the-by, how 
 did you get over ? I thought it was a wide place, so I took 
 old Golumpus hard by the head, and he did it beautifully in 
 a fly." I remember no brook, but I suppose there must 
 have been something of the kind, as I was in company with 
 the last speaker fi:om the moment we found, and I do not 
 see why my grey horse should not obtain as much credit 
 from his master as falls to the share of the unsuspecting 
 Golumpus. So, taking courage from the chorus around me, 
 I too begin to talk of the events of the day : and half 
 unconsciously, half led on by the force of example, I fear I 
 TAEN most unmercifully as to the feats, past, present, and 
 future, of which I boast myself capable. 
 
 The nm of the morning, undoubtedly a good one, goes 
 on increasing with every fresh version, till it swells into a 
 
238 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 performance totally unparalleled in ancient ot modem 
 history; and when my health, as a stranger, , has been 
 proposed by the most enthusiastic magnate present, the 
 scarlet in whose visage vies with that of his gorgeous attire, 
 the full-dress evening costume of the Pippingdon Hunt, I 
 hesitate not, in my reply, to assure the Squire and his 
 applauding guests that " I never saw such hounds, I never 
 saw such horses, I never saw such a country, and never — 
 no, never — in the whole course of my hunting experience, 
 did I see such a run as that which we have enjoyed to- 
 gether on this eventful day — a run, sir, unequalled in the 
 annals of the chase, and reflecting immortal honour on the 
 toast I am about to take the liberty of proposing — Health 
 and prosperity to my friend, if he will allow me to call 
 him so, my friend John Topthome, and the Pippingdon 
 Hunt ! With all the honours, gentlemen ! " " Capital ! " 
 "Bravo!" ("Gammon!" sotto voce, from the Squire.) 
 " Topthome, your health ! no heel - taps ! More port ! 
 Hip, hip, hurrah ! " And the enthusiasm of the Pipping- 
 donians finds vent in a burst of shouting which startles the 
 ladies in the drawing-room, and wakes an alarm in the 
 very kennel, a good quarter of a mile from the house. 
 
 Are these the shouting bacchanalians, that glide so 
 stealthily into the adjoining room, where the ladies are 
 assembled over their tea and needlework, seasoned by that 
 mysterious conversation which none of the male sex has 
 ever yet been known to overhear ? Is there an instance 
 on record of the earliest arrival from the dining-room ever 
 yet finding the gracefiil bevy otherwise than sunk in pro- 
 found silence, and apparently each totally absorbed in her 
 own tea, her own embroidery, or her own thoughts ? Are 
 such habits of speechless meditation natural to the sex, or 
 at any time usual with that conversational race ? I have 
 been informed that the contrary is the case, and that the 
 organs of female speech are seldom, if ever, still, but on 
 occasions such as these. What can we conclude ? That 
 there are mysteries into which we must not seek to pry ; 
 that there are subjects on which we must be content to 
 remain in ignorance ; and that the freezing stillness which 
 pervades the cheerful-looking apartment in which tea awaits 
 us is but the reaction consequent upon a burst of simul- 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 289 
 
 taneous eloquence, roused by some subject on wbich the 
 enchanting conclaTe are solemnly bound to maintain, in the 
 presence of the hostile sex, an luibroken and Masonic 
 silence. 
 
 Nevertheless, emboldened by port and encouraged by 
 smiles, we break the formidable line. The seniors, who 
 are conscious of having exceeded their usual moderation 
 with the bottle, assume an additional air of gravity and 
 decorum, to cover the unwonted joviality within, not always 
 successfully, for a bland smUe, with occasionally a stifled 
 chuckle, attests the enlivening effects of Topthorne's cellar 
 even on the most pompous of the veterans ; whilst some of 
 the younger members wax unusually confidential to their 
 fair neighbours, and embark upon long stories, in which, 
 to judge by the inquiring looks of the puzzled listener, the 
 point seems continually to elude their mental grasp. Still, 
 one and all appear to enjoy themselves. 
 
 Tea succeeds coffee, and music follows the departure of 
 tea. There is shilling whist for those who like it ; and the 
 click of billiard-balls from the adjoining room announces 
 that well-lighted apartment to have its share of occupants. 
 A snug flirtation is going on at the pianoforte, between a 
 bachelor squire — at this period of the evening sufficiently 
 malleable — and a not very juvenile young lady, in a most 
 Parisian toilette, and with her hair very nicely done. The 
 softening squire leans over her music-book, but what he 
 says is completely drowned to other ears by the swelling 
 refrain of the " Marche des Croates," which, as I happen 
 to admire the air, I know she has played at least five times 
 over. Probably, like many other of those tSte-a-tStes, 
 which the world calls flirtations, if we could overhear their 
 conversation, we should find it was quite as uninteresting 
 as that of old Mrs. Shaftoe and her neighbour — a bland, 
 pleasant-looking matron — on the sofa, who are deep in the 
 merits of the former's youngest grandchild, and the defects, 
 culinary and otherwise, of a certain kitchen-maid, who 
 came to the latter from Castle Bowshot. Every one is 
 occupied, and Mrs. Montague only is alone. I drop into 
 a vacant chair by her side ; and, whilst the Croatian March 
 keeps grinding on at the pianoforte, and the old ladies at 
 my elbow ring the changes upon measles, teething, hooping- 
 
240 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 cough, and board - wages, I spend another evening of 
 delicious enjoyment, that sends me to bed once more, 
 asking myself, as I wind up my watch, " How is this to 
 end ? She certainly is a very nice woman ; but what is to 
 come of it?" 
 
 It is proverbially "a long lane that has no turning;" 
 and what with my own indecision how to act, my disincli- 
 nation to take any step that might alter the extremely 
 pleasant footing on which I found myself at the Lodge, and 
 the rough Squire's hospitable disposition, gratified beyond 
 measure by a long and unceremonious visit, I might have 
 remained as a sort of tolerated hanger-on and family friend 
 of my entertainers tiU we had all grown old together, with- 
 out any question being asked as to my intentions, or any 
 hint hazarded as to my departure. But as the stream, 
 which, swollen to a torrent, bears away before it all oppo- 
 sition, tearing up the very rock from its earth-fast founda- 
 tion, may yet, when rippling lazily down its summer bed, 
 be turned from its course by the minutest pebble, so doth 
 the human mind, albeit so invincible if inspired by a 
 worthy object and directed to a noble aim, become, when 
 uninfluenced by such higher considerations, the prey of the 
 most trifling circumstance. "What great events from 
 trivial causes spring ! " and how little did I think that the 
 accident of my meeting a good-looking, middle-aged lady at 
 an archery-meeting, and afterwards joining her robust 
 brother in the sports of the field, would exercise the 
 influence which it eventually did upon the career and the' 
 comfort of the unconscious Tilbury Nogo ! Certainly, I 
 was overcome by a concatenation of circumstances : it was 
 not one pebble that turned me, but a whole heap of them ; 
 and, after all we are willing to persuade ourselves that we 
 are but tools in the hands of Fate — a doctrine which saves 
 the undecided man a large proportion of trouble, and the 
 unsuccessful one a good deal of self-reproach. 
 
 Well, I " took no note of time," as I stayed on at the 
 Lodge. Three days ia the week I devoted to the study of 
 the chase with the " Pippingdon," and found myself be- 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 241 
 
 coming daily more conversant with woodcraft, more cunning 
 in the art of smuggling over a country without the painfiil 
 and perilous necessity of jumping large fences ; the other 
 three "lawful days," as they are called by our Calvinistic 
 neighbours in the north, were consumed in various sporting 
 pursuits, all connected with the destruction of game and 
 vermin, all studied and effected by the Squire with the 
 ardour of an enthusiast, and the skill of a professor. 
 
 Amongst other devices for wearing through the shorten- 
 ing hours of a November day, there is one much in request 
 amongst those who particularly plume themselves on their 
 keenness as sportsmen, or who absolutely require the 
 stimulus of severe exercise to counteract the labour imposed 
 on the digestive organs by their gigantic performances at 
 dinner-time. This amusement, if such it can be called, is 
 playfully termed " shooting wild partridges," whereas it 
 has always appeared to me that the verb " hunting " would 
 convey a far more correct idea of the mode in which these 
 feathered " will-o'-the-wisps " are persecuted. To stagger 
 all day long under a heavy double-barrelled gun, deafening 
 in report, and wide in bore, so as to insure that extensive 
 range the necessity of which is implied by the very words 
 "November shooting" — to walk at that painful stretch of 
 muscle and sinew, which would hail a jog-trot as an in- 
 expressible relief — to be blown without getting warmth, 
 and tired without achieving success — ^to enter an extensive 
 stubble, bare as your own lately shaved chin, with the 
 monosyllable "mark" upon your lips, and to leave its 
 bleak and disappointing acres with undischarged weapon, 
 and the same exclamation, now guttural from despair, still 
 gurgling in your throat^to scramble throilgh quickset 
 hedges, and climb up and down precipitous banks, in hopes 
 of getting a shot, and to be forced to console yourself for 
 torn clothes and lacerated person by th6 suggestion "that 
 they must be gone to them' turnips," said turnips being 
 two miles off as the crow flies, and in a contrary direction 
 from home — to tie up your disgusted dogs, and resolve 
 manfully upon walking up your game, which the vigilant 
 coveys suffer you to do at a distance of several hundred 
 yards — and finally, shaking from fatigue and sulky from 
 disappointment, to miss the only fair shot you have had all 
 
 17 
 
242 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 day — " this may indeed be sport," as was once remarked 
 by an observant philosopher, " but you can hardly call it 
 pleasure." Nevertheless, experience makes even fools 
 wise, and after a few such unsatisfactory days, a few such 
 unsuccessfiil walks as those I have described, the Squire 
 and I hit upon a method of circumventing these flighty 
 denizens of the stubbles, that saved us both considerably 
 in wind and limb, and that, if it did not fill the bag as 
 rapidly as it should have done, was at least productive of a 
 very liberal consumption of powder and shot. 
 
 Our plan was this : Despising, with one antiquated 
 exception, the aid of the pointer-kennel, our first destina- 
 tion was the stable, from whence we selected a certain 
 raking-looking four-year old, whose instruction as a hunter 
 was about to commence ; then, of course, we had to find 
 "Ike," as nothing could ever be done on the demesne of 
 Topthorne without the assistance of that original. A 
 snaffle-bridle was put in the young one's mouth, "Ike" 
 swung himself into the saddle, and we proceeded to 
 business. Choosing a large and thick field of turnips at 
 the back of a certain farm called Wild-wood, and directing 
 all our operations to that green oasis as an eventual rallying- 
 point, "Ike" was despatched to scour the surrounding 
 stubbles, and as much as possible to drive the birds towards 
 our selected turnips, when such a conversation as this 
 would ensue between the huntsman-gamekeeper and his 
 laconic employer : — 
 
 Squire : " Ike, beat that large oat-stubble." 
 
 Ike: "How be I to get there, zur? will'ee have un 
 crawl over the dyke, or be I to deliver un through the 
 stile?" 
 
 Squire: "Teach him the timber." 
 
 Aid without more ado, the imdaunted " Ike " would 
 gather his reins up in a bunch, ply his solitary spur — for 
 on these occasions, under the idea, I presume, that he was 
 only half equestrian, he never wore more than one — and 
 despite of slippery ground, unbending ash, bad take-ofi", 
 and very likely a determined refusal, would arrive at the 
 other side somehow, in company with the four-year-old; 
 for even if they fell, they always seemed to get up together. 
 Such was the ttiition of the Squire's hunters ; and in this 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 243 
 
 manner he combined, as he said, instruction with amuse- 
 ment. 
 
 Whilst our domestic Centaur was pursuing his solitary 
 steeple - chase, we would ensconce ourselves in some 
 sheltering ravine, or under some concealing spinny, and 
 occasionally get a delightful " rocketing " shot at an un- 
 wary covey that might fly over our lurking-place on its way 
 to the distant turnips ; and when at length the country 
 had been sufficiently scoured, and the partridges driven to 
 that treacherous covert, we used to enter the dripping 
 " swedes," and prepare for action. 
 
 Here "Ike" was more than ever in his glory — one 
 steady old pointer being set at liberty on these occasions, 
 our ally conceived that the sport now partook of the nature 
 of hunting, and his excitement was of course proportionate. 
 When the old dog, looking cautiously around him, and 
 lifting one paw after the other, as if the wet contact was 
 most disagreeable to him (which I believe to have been the 
 case), crouched gradually up to his game, and straightened 
 his short stumpy tail, to all the inflexibility of an undoubted 
 point, " Ike's " enthusiasm knew no bounds. Standing up 
 in his stirrups, and waving his cap down to his horse's 
 knees, he would exclaim, " Yooi ! over Ponto ! have at 'em 
 there,, good dog ! yooi ! rustle 'em up ! " and then, sud- 
 denly recollecting himself, would take his words up sharp, 
 with a stammering " I mean, toho ! down charge ! you 
 brute, and be hanged to you ! " After which, as we shot 
 and bagged our game, he relapsed completely into the 
 keeper. In this manner, if we had not a great deal of 
 sport, we were sure of a certain share of amusement ; and 
 as the season wore on, and the birds got wilder and wilder, 
 we more and more affected these laughable expeditions. 
 
 One blustering afternoon, as the Squire and I were con- 
 cluding a more than usually successful day's sport, in the 
 well-known vicinity of WUton Cowslips, we descried a 
 stalwart figure hastening towards us, over the adjoining 
 field, which elicited from each of us the simultaneous 
 exclamation of " The Benedict, by all that's wonderful ! " 
 and " Bagshot for a hundred ! " and sure enough, as he 
 drew near, it was none other than our lately-married fi-iend. 
 The greeting was cordial — nay, boisterous ; and congratu- 
 
244 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 lations, good wishes, questions and replies were bandied to 
 and fro with heartfelt sincerity. 
 
 "You'll come into the vicarage, Squire, and be intro- 
 duced to Mrs. Bagshot ; you must stop at your old quarters, 
 and renew your acquaintance with an old friend, my dear 
 Nogo," said the hospitable parson; and in another five 
 minutes we were all three walking arm-in-arm up the 
 gravel walk that led to the rustic porch of that well-known 
 dwelling, never before regarded with the painful interest 
 with which to one of the party it was now invested. How 
 my heart beat ! how I envied the Squire his careless 
 demeanour and robust unconsciousness ! She was but 
 Mrs. Bagshot to him — a new neighbour, and nothing more. 
 What was she to me ? another minute would show — there 
 is but a satin-wood door between my agitated self and 
 her who was once the hope of my heart, the mistress of my 
 destiny. The door opens — ^the furniture of the apartment 
 seems whirling round me, the floor and ceiling are heaving 
 and swimming before my eyes, for my brain is reeling as 
 I stand once again in the presence of Kate Cotherstone ! 
 
 Not the least altered — not a shadow of difference between 
 the Kev. Mrs. Bagshot, and the dangerous Kate of Ascot 
 Heath and Windsor Forest : the black waving hair had 
 lost none of its crispness; the malicious playful glance 
 shot bright as ever from under those jetty eyelashes ; the 
 arch smUe, curving her Grecian lip, and disclosLug the 
 pearly teeth within, went straight to my heart as in the 
 days of old ; the shapely figure had retained all its rounded 
 graces, and the dress was, as usual, perfection. It was 
 Kate herself ; and when she came up to me, and put her 
 hand within mine, uniting the cordial greeting due to an 
 old friend, with the most perfect self-possession and sang 
 froid, in a manner that none but a woman, and a very 
 clever woman to boot, could have effected, I felt, I am 
 ashamed to say, as much her slave as ever. Of course this 
 was aU nonsense : it needed but little reflection to remind 
 me that she was now the bride of my old and valued 
 friend ; and even had this not been the case, after all that 
 had taken place, it would have been quite impossible for us 
 ever again to resume our former intimacy. Whilst the 
 Squire was making the agreeable to his new and charming 
 
TILBUB7 NOGO 245 
 
 neighbour — ^for even he was fascinated by the enchantress, 
 and in his uncouth efforts to please reminded me of a bear 
 dancing on its hind legs — ^I had time to recollect myself, 
 and to press upon Joe, as in duty bound, the usual con- 
 gratulations which ignorant bachelors offer so warmly to the 
 friend who has gallantly preceded them in the momentous 
 plunge. 
 
 In our hurried conversation I gathered from the de- 
 lighted bridegrooin that his journey to Bath had been the 
 immediate cause of all I now saw before me. A short 
 acquaintance, commencing at a ball, and cemented by one 
 or two tea-drinkings, had convinced him that life without 
 Miss Cotherstone would be a blank indeed — that was the 
 piece of furniture, without which the Parsonage was in- 
 complete — that was the smile to which it would be so 
 heavenly to return, after clerical duties, or fatiguing field- 
 sports ; and, in short, " Joe," for the first time in his life, 
 was completely captivated. As usual, the difference of 
 disposition and character between the two riveted the chain 
 only more firmly. My friend, with his fine manly open 
 heart, his ignorance of guile and deceit — ^which amounted 
 almost to the simplicity of a child — his trustful nature and 
 unsophisticated candour, was safe to marry a thorough- 
 going woman of the world. 
 
 Could I blame him ? could I, of all people, be astonished 
 at his infatuation? Ere long he made his proposals to 
 Kate in due form — ^papa and mamma were abroad ; but it 
 took little time to obtain their cordial consent (nor did this 
 surprise me), and the female relative with whom the fair 
 " fiancee " was staying lost no opportunity of impressing 
 upon her admirer that he was indeed a fortunate man. 
 
 Joe's aunt behaved like a trump, as he said himself, — 
 like the Queen of Trumps : and she, too, was so fascinated 
 by the little witch, that in addition to the handsome pre- 
 sent, standing in her venerable name in the Three pet 
 Cent. Consols, with which she complimented her nephew 
 on the morning of his nuptials, she likewise presented his 
 bride with a valuable set of diamonds — none of your paste, 
 but real genuine sparklers, that had remained safely locked 
 up in the custody of the old lady's bankers for the last fifty 
 years. 
 
246 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 " We have now been married a fortnight," added Joe, 
 his face beaming with delight, and looking a proper man to 
 win the fancy of any young lady ; and we have not a secret 
 in the world feom each other " (Good gracious ! I thought, 
 I wonder whether she has told him all about me). "If 
 you vnsh for happiness, my dear Nogo, follow my example ; 
 I never knew what it was really to enjoy life till I found 
 Mrs. Bagshot sitting down to breakfast on the opposite 
 side of the table every day, as a matter of course." 
 
 The Squire was by this time making a courteous fare- 
 well to the cousin who was to him almost a stranger, and 
 it was now my turn to wish the new Mrs. Bagshot goodbye. 
 Again that cordial shake of the hand, again that half-care- 
 less, half-meaning glance, that seemed to say, " let by- 
 gones be by-gones " — ^it was evident that she thought the 
 less said about our previous acquaintance the better ; but I 
 had a right to expect some little embarrassment, some 
 slight half-indicated expression of interest in one for whom 
 she had formerly confessed she entertained a decided 
 regard ; but no, it was — " Goodbye, Mr. Nogo ; I trust you 
 vnll complete your visit here before you leave the country, 
 and not suffer me to frighten you away from your old 
 bachelor quarters," and she smiled in my face as if I had 
 been her grandfather. 
 
 " They are an inexplicable race," thought I to myself, 
 as I followed the delighted Squire to the garden-gate ; 
 " and this is a chapter in their history that I may puzzle 
 over in vain ; the old mythologist was right when he made 
 the Sphinx a lady ! " 
 
 Beader, have you ever experienced the luxury of being 
 an ill-used man ? If you have not, depend upon it you 
 are ignorant of one of the most engrossing sensations 
 known to the himaan organisation. A man without a 
 grievance is like a kettle half filled, or rather a kettle 
 merely filled with cold water; but let him only consider 
 himself unfairly treated, let him brood and hatch his 
 grievance till it pervades his system, and straightway he 
 frets, and seethes, and simmers, till at last he boils over 
 in a perfect ecstacy of self-condolence. 
 
 As I walked silently alongside the Squire, on our home- 
 ward journey, I felt ill-used ; I knew not why — I felt dis- 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 247 
 
 Batisfied with all the characters of the drama in which I 
 had lately taken part, and, above all, with myself. My 
 companion was neither loquacious himself, nor tolerant of 
 loquacity in others, so I had no one to whom I could 
 unbosom myself; and as I kept chafing over Kate's in- 
 difference, which piqued me to the core, and at the same 
 time despising my own folly for caring two straws about it 
 —as what could it signify to me ? — ^I gradually worked my 
 feelings up to that state in which a man finds he is ready 
 for any action, no matter how foolish, that takes him 
 from himself. In such a mood the sympathy of a female 
 friend is likely to prove dangerous in the extreme, 
 and to such peril was it my fate unwittingly to expose 
 myself. 
 
 As we entered the shrubberies that surrounded Top- 
 thorne Lodge, I caught sight of a light-coloured dress 
 fluttering in the breeze before us, which could only belong 
 to the widow, and declining the Squire's invitation to 
 "kennel" with more decision than I could usually find 
 courage for, I pushed on to overtake and walk home with 
 Mrs. Montague, partly in the hope of unburdening my 
 mind by a detail of our afternoon visit, partly with a lurk- 
 ing feeling of triumphant vanity in the thought that here 
 at least I could command an interest in one sympathising 
 breast — that in those blue eyes I should read no malicious 
 sarcasm, no cold forgetfulness. 
 
 It had been dusk an hour ere the dressing-bell sum- 
 moned us into the house. Backwards and forwards, to 
 and fro, up and down those winding walks and well-kept 
 shrubberies, had we walked and talked, and hinted and 
 hesitated, and lingered, often trenching upon the topic 
 which I believe was nearest both our hearts, and yet the 
 fatal words were unspoken. Grateful to my wounded 
 vanity was the healing salve of Mrs. Montague's implied 
 admiration — ^triumphant reflection to think that it was in 
 my own power to show Mrs. Bagshot that she was not the 
 only person who could forget : and besides such considera- 
 tions, the widow's smiles, to do her justice, were sufficiently 
 intoxicating in themselves to make a wiser man than me 
 forget prudence, foresight, and everything but the com- 
 panion by his side. Yet when I went to dress for dinnei 
 
248 TILBVBY NOQO 
 
 I was still a free man — the last meshes of the net were 
 nnwoven — ^the spell was incomplete — I had not passed the 
 Ruhicon, but by Jove I had been uncommonly close to its 
 brink. 
 
OHAPTEE XXm 
 
 Lo you, here she comes 1 — this is her 
 Very guiae — and upon my life fast asleep. 
 Observe her ; stand dose. 
 
 Macbeth. 
 
 In slumber, I prithee how is it 
 
 That souls are oft taking the air, 
 
 And paying each other a visit, 
 
 WhUe bodies are — Heaven Imows where? 
 
 MOOBS. 
 
 I HAVE already said, that pleasant as were the days which 
 passed on so smoothly at Topthorne Lodge, the hours of 
 darkness were those in the diurnal twenty-four which were 
 spent least to the satisfaction of my somewhat nervous 
 temperament. Not only did the supernatural horrors of 
 " the Lily of the Lea " haunt my nightly dreams, but the 
 more substantial terrors of midiiight assassins, and bur- 
 glarious entries into peaceful dwelling-houses, as vividly 
 painted in the daily columns of the morning journals, kept 
 me awake for many an uncomfortable hour, in a liaost 
 unenviable state of morbid apprehension. 
 
 " The Forest " was a thinly populated district, and pro- 
 portionably ill-supplied with rural police. Poaching on a 
 grand scale had from time immemorial been the charac- 
 teristic crime of the country ; but of late a series of bur- 
 saries, not always unaccompanied by violence, had been 
 effected upon lone farmhouses and detached mansions. 
 The larder at Castle Bowshot had been stripped of its 
 savoury contents : Fanner Veal had lost a dozen of currant 
 wine and a side of bacon, ingeniously abstracted by re- 
 moving a lattice from the cheese-room ; whilst old Mrs. 
 Swanshot, on looking under her bed, as had been, during a 
 
250 TILBUBY NOOO 
 
 long and well-spent life, her nightly custom, had found the 
 usual prospect afforded hy that dusky locality varied by the 
 lurking figure of a stealthy marauder, certainly a thief — 
 possibly an assassin — coiled up, as the old lady herself 
 said, evidently for no good purpose. With a courage and 
 coolness that proved indisputably the truth of the well- 
 known French military maxim, " Ce'st le ccev/r qui fait le 
 grenadier," this resolute old woman pulled her unwelcome 
 visitor out by the heels, and as she dragged him from his 
 ambush, greeted him with the following pithy salutation : — 
 
 " Now I've got you, I shaU not let you go — ^you're the 
 man I've been looking for for forty years, and here you are 
 at last ! " 
 
 All these events were decidedly of an imcomfortable 
 tendency ; and I'm not sure which of the two catastrophes 
 I regarded with the greatest horror — a visit from the 
 " Spectre-Lily," whom I had now heard so often passing 
 my door, that I Relieved as firmly in her existence as in 
 my own identity, or a personal collision with some bodily 
 desperado ; my only attacking weapon a short brass poker, 
 my only defensive armour a thin cotton shirt. 
 
 After such a day of agitation as that which beheld my 
 first interview with Kate in her new capacity, and my long 
 and confidential walk with Mrs. Montague Forbes, it is no 
 wonder that the broken slumbers which visited my pillow 
 were short and unrefreshing to my excited system. Dis- 
 turbed and pantomimic dreams, in which confused and 
 changing scenes and figures crowded themselves inex- 
 plicably on my brain, were succeeded by an attack of 
 obstinate wakefulness, that no change of position, no 
 amount of tossing and turning could overcome or modify. 
 It was a mild winter's night, such a night as precedes " a 
 fine hunting morning," and the soft south-west wind 
 sighed mournfully round the house, as it drove the heavy 
 vapour-laden clouds gently athwart the struggling moon- 
 beams ; now partially veiling, now totally obscuring her 
 light. It was a night for an adventure of love or war, but 
 no night to be lying wide-awake on a restless bed. That 
 cursed clock — ^how it ticks ! I shall ask Topthome to 
 stop it — I know his sister will, if I only mention it. Ah ! 
 I might do worse than come to an understanding at once 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 251 
 
 with her; and that little jilt Kate — ^how it would pique 
 her ! and serve her right. Well, it is no use, but I sup- 
 pose I must try to get to sleep again. 
 
 Such were the dispirited thoughts that half rose in 
 broken murmurs to my lips, when — horror ! curdliug my 
 blood and freezing my marrow — came the well-fcaown 
 stealthy step along the passage, that too surely heralded 
 the unearthly approach of " The Lily." A cold perspira- 
 tion broke out on my forehead, my damp hair stood on 
 end, and my sense of hearing became sharpened to a 
 degree painMly acute. What is this ? a low continuous 
 grating sound, as if it were outside the house, below my 
 window, and I could almost fancy I caught the tones of a 
 smothered whisper. For a period that to me seems an 
 age, but in aU probability is a short five minutes, I ■ sit up 
 in bed, and strain every nerve into the one office of listen- 
 ing. Hark ! a slight crash, a low tinkling sound as of 
 broken glass — horror upon horror ! the window must 
 surely have been forced ; and there are thieves at this 
 moment entering the house! All the ghosts in Acheron 
 are a joke to this ghastly reality : the awful scene I have 
 so often contemplated in fancy has arrived at last : and 
 what am I to do ? — ^lie trembling here whilst the house is 
 robbed and its inmates murdered, to be discovered and 
 have my throat cut after all? or make a dash for the 
 Squire's bedroom, and perhaps in those dark passages 
 come into personal collision with the armed ruffians, who 
 are even now parading the ground floor? Stay here I 
 caimot — no ; summoning all my feelings of honour, all 
 my sense of shame to my assistance, I resolve to rush 
 incontinently to the Squire, devote my person to the 
 defence of his hearth, and die like a man in the breach. 
 
 Alas that it should be out of my power to meet my fate 
 in the- plural of that warlike substantive ! — my continua- 
 tions have been taken down to be brushed, and with naked 
 limbs and unslippered feet I speed along the cold passage 
 on my way to my landlord's dormitory. As I pass an 
 unshuttered window, that looks out to the front of the 
 house, a sort of morbid fascination impels me to stop my 
 frantic career and gaze upon the invading force. To my 
 surprise and confusion I behold two men speeding away 
 
252 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 over the lawn in the moonlight, apparently in agonies of 
 terror ; and I can distinctly hear their wild thrilling cries 
 of " The Ghost ! " " The Ghost ! " as they disappear 
 over the Ha-ha, which divides the smooth and shaven 
 turf from the wild glades of the undulating park. By 
 this time the house is alarmed — doors bang in all direc- 
 tions — a confusion of voices pervades the night air in 
 which the shrill organ of female inquiry is predominant ; 
 and the Squire, clad in a rusty dressing-gown, and armed 
 with an iron-headed hunting-whip — in his opinion, for the 
 Squire is a resolute fellow, a weapon ef&cient enough to 
 disperse an army of housebreakers — comes stalking down 
 the passage, and announces to his terrified domestics that 
 there is no danger : an attempt has been made to enter the 
 house, but the villians have been scared, as he concludes, 
 by a fancied discovery, and we may all go to bed again. 
 With hospitable commiseration for my scanty garments and 
 shivering condition, my anxious host hurries me, with 
 many thanks for my intended assistance, back to my own 
 dormitory, and as he entreats me to seek my couch as 
 quickly as possible, he enters the room at my side ; the 
 shutters are unclosed, and the moonbeams streaming in, 
 almost with the light of day : I start back in re-awakened 
 horror, with an exclamation of "The Lily of the Lea" 
 frozen upon my lips, for a white figure stands as if rooted 
 to the floor, in the centre of the apartment, and surveys 
 us with a fixed, stony, and unearthly gaze. Ere the 
 
 Squire's furious execration of "Nelly : by all that's " 
 
 has thundered in mine ears, the truth flashes upon me in 
 overwhelming confusion; for the white figure staggers 
 backward as we approach; the eyes suddenly kindling 
 into light, roll upon us with dilated horror, and as she 
 sinks into an arm chair, Mrs. Montague Forbes (fpr Mrs. 
 Montague Forbes it is) bursts into a paroxysm of weeping, 
 and covers her face with both hands in an irrepressible 
 agony of shame. 
 
 Here was a pretty kettle of fish ! as is said to have been 
 observed by the celebrated wizard Michael Scott, when, 
 after a successful day on Tweed side, he was startled 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 253 
 
 to find the contents of his panniers turned into grotesc[ue 
 imps, and miniature salamanders, by one of those mocking 
 fiends that were ever at the magician's elbow. I had now 
 succeeded in wedging myself into as uncomfortable a fix as 
 ever yet curtailed the freedom of a harmless bachelor ! 
 On all sides I was surrounded by difficulties and dilemmas ; 
 there was but one way out of it, and that might be de- 
 scribed in vulgar Saxon as " out of the fi:ying-pan into the 
 fire." How was I to face the Squire at breakfast ? and 
 how was poor Mrs. Montague Forbes to face me? Of 
 course her brother would be furious and vindictive, deaf to 
 reason, and bent on avenging the insult which he naturally 
 concluded I had ofi'ered to his household gods and genea- 
 logical tree. Of course he would scout the idea of his 
 sister's being an incurable sleep-walker ; and remain 
 incredulous to the fact of her feeling infinitely more 
 horrified than himself at the ambiguous predicament in 
 which this involuntary affliction — for an affliction it is — 
 had placed her. Of course I should be taxed with all the 
 breaches of trust and ungrateful returns for confiding 
 hospitality that had stained the code of honour since that 
 very improper flirtation which eventually led to the siege 
 of. Troy. Of course there was but one appeal, and that 
 must be answered at a short twelve yards, before breakfast, 
 and face to fece with what Irish gentlemen , call " a peace- 
 maker" at full cock. The way my hand shook, as I 
 contemplated this possibility whilst shaving, was not 
 calculated to inspire me with confidence as to the result 
 of such an " ordeal by battle." Then, even if these 
 desperate measures should not be resorted to, was there 
 not a civil power that might be brought to bear on my 
 unlucky head ? I had heard of many cases of what Mr. 
 Weller calls " conviction for breach " successfully adjudi- 
 cated against the defendant, with far less grounds for an 
 eloquent barrister to go upon than those which might be 
 skilfully adapted to the comprehension of an intelligent 
 jury, as sufficient reason for mulcting my personal property 
 to a large amount, much to the satisfaction of the distressed 
 victim and the pecuniary benefit of the gentlemen of the 
 long robe. No, I could not bear to be brought before the 
 public in such a manner as this. Some men do not care 
 
254 TILBURY NOGO 
 
 three straws about notoriety, in fact they rather like it, 
 howeyer questionable may be the means by which it is 
 acquired; but to a shy and sensitive man like myself, 
 the very heading of that unblushing newspaper report, 
 " Forbes versus Nogo — Breach of promise of marriage," 
 would be enough to drive the patient out of his senses. 
 Such a method of revenge would be nearly as effective as 
 the more probable retaliation I had to dread from a 
 personal encounter with the pugnacious Squire. And 
 then, had I no softening feelings for the agitation and 
 distress which the events of the past night would cause to 
 poor Mrs. Montague ? Should I be deaf to her entreaties, 
 and callous to her tears, if it should come to an interview, 
 which was not impossible ? Was it not an extremely hard 
 case upon her, that her own character should be sullied, 
 and the peace of her family destroyed, by the pardonable 
 trespass of an unconscious somnambulist ? For I saw at 
 a glance how it had all happened ; there could be no doubt 
 whatever of the facts of the case. It was evident that the 
 restless widow was an habitual sleep-walker; like Lady 
 Macbeth, it was her custom nightly to patrol the dark 
 staircases and moon-lit passages of Topthorne Lodge ; and 
 doubtless the time-honoured tradition of the " Lily of the 
 Lea " had prevented the scared servants from either ascer- 
 taining the identity of the apparition, or making their 
 peripatetic mistress aware of her inconvenient habit. 
 This would at once account for the stealthy footsteps 
 and alarming sounds that had broken my rest for so 
 many weeks; and the only extraordinary circumstance 
 was, that the catastrophe had not occurred sooner. On 
 the night in question, an attempt had clearly been made 
 to break into the Lodge by some daring ruffians in the 
 neighbourhood. I had been alarmed by the clumsy 
 manner in which they took out the necessary pane, and 
 the faU of the glass on a sort of skirting of pebbles which 
 surrounded the house. It is probable that the somnam- 
 bulist had looked out of one of the passage windows, all 
 of which were unshuttered, and that the startled burglars, 
 much to their horror, found themselves all at once face to 
 face with a white Bpectra,l-looking figure, in the unearthly 
 moonlight. The tradition of " The Lily " was known far 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 255 
 
 and wide over the district, and the country people one and 
 all firmly believed that Topthorne Lpdge "was a haunted 
 house." No wonder the rascals were frightened ; and this 
 accounted for the tumultuous flight of which I was a 
 witness from that very window. In the meantime, how- 
 ever, the supposed ghost must have passed my chamber 
 in its nightly course; when I rushed out to alarm the 
 Squire, I naturally left my door ajar, and the sleep-walker 
 on her return, with the instinct peculiar to that malady, 
 as naturally wandered into the unsecured apartment. Our 
 sudden entrance awoke her roughly, which I have been 
 told is even dangerous for a person in that state ; but when 
 the consciousness of her position, and first feeling of her 
 sex, the unfitness of her costume, burst upon her, no 
 wonder the shame-stricken lady was ready to sink into 
 the earth. But would the Squire believe all this ? Here 
 was a question to which, often and often as I turned it over 
 in my own mind, I could give no satisfactory answer. Yet 
 was there one way, and that a mode of proceeding to 
 which I was not half disinclined, that would soothe the 
 feelings of his sister, propitiate the unruly Squire, and 
 gratify the vanity, though it might add to the respon- 
 sibilities, of the agitated individual who was now revolving 
 all these knbtty points in his mind as he proceeded with an 
 irregular and protracted toilette. Why should I not marry 
 the widow? She is handsome (she looked uncommonly 
 well in white, even amidst all the distresses and pecu- 
 liarities of her position last night), she is sensible, she is 
 good-tempered, and, above all, she is partial to me. Ah, 
 that little egotistical monosyllable ; half the attachments 
 that are formed are based upon the supposed good taste 
 and discrimination of the other party, in his or her fancied 
 preference for ourselves. Then this is no crude idea that 
 has now for the first time arisen in my mind : I have been 
 long revolving, though half insensibly, the possibility of 
 such a conclusion to our rapidly progressing acquaintance. 
 I suppose I must marry some day, and why not now ? I 
 wonder what Jack Eaffleton will think, and what Segundo 
 win say! And then Kate, now Mrs. Bagshot, what a 
 disappointment to her, to know that I have been medi- 
 tating this long before she contrived to capture poor Joe ! 
 
256 TILBVBT NOGO 
 
 The last reflection was a clincher! but with it came a 
 whole host of misgivings as to the irrevocable step which 
 I was considering ; visions of bachelor amusements, Green- 
 wich dinners, midnight cards, " the morning slumber, and 
 the evening wine " — all these to be given up and repudiated 
 at once and for ever ; then the long winter evenings, when 
 a tete-a-tete with Mrs. Montague might have become a very 
 sober, not to say sad enjoyment ; the domestic details, the 
 bores of housekeeping, the annoyances of servants — aU 
 these visions of the future floated through my brain, and 
 sorely marred my resolution as to the exploit I was medi- 
 tating ; balanced, however, on the other hand, by many 
 and favourable considerations. What dreadful tortures 
 does he impose upon himself, who is incapable of making 
 up his mind ! Better be the most wrong-headed blunderer 
 that ever rushed blindfold into a difficulty, than that victim 
 of every apprehension, that contemptible slave to every 
 circumstance — an undecided man! 
 
 Need I say how it was to end ? We breakfasted that 
 very morning a united family party. The Squire, what- 
 ever may have been his intentions had I not declared 
 mine, was less gruff than usual, and seemed, to do him 
 justice, really pleased with the arrangement by which we 
 were to become relations. Mrs. Montague, with a shaking 
 hand, a fixed red spot on each cheek, and a glance of quiet 
 triumph in her blue eye, whenever the long-fringed lid was 
 for an instant raised, looked to perfection the pleased yet 
 agitated bride-elect (recollect, it was her second appearance 
 in that character) ; whilst I felt, as I suppose every other 
 man does who is going to be married, conscious that I ought 
 to be very happy, and that I was very much surprised, 
 half delighted, and half frightened at the magnitude of the 
 undertaking on which I had embarked, and the whole 
 extent of which now dawned upon me for the first time, 
 and firmly resolved that, as there was no retreat, the only 
 thing was to put a bold face upon the matter, and fight it 
 out like a man. 
 
 I pass over the intermediate time required to arrange 
 lawyer's matters, disagree about " settlements," and — 
 
TILBUBT NOaO 257 
 
 most important item of all — ^procure the trousseau of the 
 hride ; nor can I explain upon what principle it is that a 
 lady, as soon as she has made up her generous mind to 
 confer perfect happiaess upon one of the baser sex, should 
 instantly discover that the whole of her previous costume 
 is totally unfit for wear, and that it is absolutely indispen- 
 sable to procure a new "rig-out" from top to toe. Why 
 those garments, the fascinations of which have materially 
 assisted in gaining the victory, should be discarded as 
 unworthy of participating in the triumph, I am at a loss 
 to explain ; but that such is the fact, I appeal to Swan and 
 Edgar, Redmayne's, and Harding's — mammas T^ho shop, 
 and papas who pay. Equally inexplicable, unless we refer 
 it to their partiality for "new clothes," is the extraordi- 
 nary interest shown by one and all for the fair sex in the 
 approaching nuptials of any individual of their number: 
 no matter whether she is an intimate friend, an avowed 
 enemy, or a total stranger ; the fact alone of her having 
 made arrangements to lead one of the opposite party to 
 the altar entitles her at once to the support and sympathy 
 of the wliole sex. Stout elderly women, of between fifty 
 and sixty years of age, may be seen any morning in the 
 vicinity of St. George's canvassing eagerly for places from 
 whence to view the nuptials of any fashionable couple who 
 may choose to be united in that aristocratic temple of 
 Hymen. They will walk miles on foot, miss their dinners, 
 and shed tears by the pailful, in the unaccountable interest 
 they seem to take in the ceremony ; and yet, were you to 
 give yourself the trouble of inquiring, I will venture to say 
 you will find that not one in ten of these agitated spec- 
 tators had ever either seen or heard of bride or bridegroom 
 before. 
 
 It is not my intention to dwell upon the happy days 
 preceding the final catastrophe about to be presided over 
 by my old ally, Joe Bagshot. The congratulations of 
 Mends, more particularly those of the lady, the hints and 
 inuendoes as to my good fortune in securing " such a 
 treasure," the assurances that "I was indeed a lucky 
 fellow," carried to an extent that, as the day drew near 
 for my reaping the advantages of such favourable stars, 
 made me feel painfully conscious of my own imworthiness 
 
 18 
 
258 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 of the blessings in store for me. The introduction of my 
 ficmcie to my own "collaterals," who I was quite sure 
 would find fault with my choice, and the being " trotted 
 out " for inspection and presentation to hers, who I was 
 equally convinced would find fault with me ; the visits that 
 had to be paid, and the letters that must be written ; the 
 choosing of plate, tea-cups, mahogany bedsteads, coal- 
 scuttles and domestic servants (in all of which the previous 
 experience of the future Mrs. N. was really invaluable, and 
 probably averted from me the fate of finishing my days in 
 a lunatic asylum) ; the obtaining a commodious carriage, 
 capable of conveying a large quantity of luggage (my great 
 delight used to be, travelling with nothing but a carpet 
 bag) ; and the fixing on a suitable residence, of course in 
 the vicinity of my foture lady's Mends and acquaintances 
 — all these necessary operations and arrangements would 
 fill a folio to describe, as they would destroy the equani- 
 mity of a Socrates to undergo. Willingly do I pass fi:om 
 such harassing details to the tSte-d-tete walks with Mrs. 
 Montague, which it now became a rigorous matter of duty 
 to perform, and which, truth to tell, were pleasant enough 
 as we sauntered socially along, and made our plans for our 
 future mSnage. 
 
 I had for some time been wondering in my own mind 
 what " Kate " — for by that name I still thought of my old 
 flame — would say to the step which I had taken, and in 
 what manner she would couch her congratulations the first 
 time we should meet ; nor were my conjectures destined to 
 remain long unsolved. An early visit fi-om the parsonage 
 to the Lodge was forestalled by our meeting the clerical 
 couple, in one of our ante-nuptial strolls, half-way between 
 the two houses ; and by this chance rencontre we avoided 
 much of the stifihess and formality which, even among 
 friends, is inseparable from a morning call of ceremonious 
 congratulation. Mrs. Bagshot was looking her best, as I 
 could not help remarking, although in duty bound to have 
 eyes but for one; and as she took her cousin by both hands, 
 and kissed her with that affectionate empressement which 
 ladies are so fond of wasting upon each other, it would have 
 required a close observer to detect the actual dislike which 
 lurked under all this affected cordiality. I am not generally 
 
TILBUBT NOaO 259 
 
 gifted -with an eye that penetrates below the surface; but 
 upon this occasion — perhaps because my senses were 
 sharpened by the severity of the training I was under- 
 going — ^I could distinctly perceive that between the two 
 ladies there was, to use a common expression, but " little 
 love lost." How different from the frank warmth of honest 
 Joe's sincere congratulations ! But when Kate turned her 
 mischievous eyes upon me, and wished me joy with the 
 frankness of an old friend, and that comic look of arch 
 wickedness which was her principal fascination, and of 
 which, in days gone by, I had too keenly felt the power, 
 I could not help thinking that, with all her inferiority in 
 sense, conduct, and character to the lady who was about 
 to honour me with her hand, there never was in this 
 world anything half so charming as Kate Cotherstone, 
 now Mrs. Bagshot. " We always considered Mr. Nogo 
 an irreclaimable old bachelor," the little vixen had the 
 unblushing effrontery to say in my very face ; " but the 
 fascinations of the west, Mrs. Montague, have been too 
 much for him. When is it to be, my dear ? I should so 
 like to see the trousseau — ^I hear it is perfectly magni- 
 ficent." And the two ladies, having got upon that prolific 
 subject, walked towards the Lodge, amidst a torrent of 
 conversation turning upon the deceptive art of dress- 
 making, and seasoned with a little amicable sparring, 
 and a few of those retorts with which, at periods of un- 
 usual excitement, the gentle beings love to season their 
 discourse. Joe and I followed in their wake, soberly 
 enough. I thought my old friend looked more subdued 
 than usual; but as he had only been married about a 
 month, of course his chains must have sat lightly, and 
 it could not have been his new character that worried him. 
 He did, however, hint to me, in the course of our conversa- 
 tion, that the old brown horse> as much admired in the 
 field as between the shafts, was about to be sold ; and that 
 he was thinking of getting his duty done for a few months, 
 and giving Kate a little gaiety at Bath. Oh, my prophetic 
 soul ! could I not foresee the gloomy fature of my own 
 destiny in the clouds which darkened the brow of my once 
 BO cheerful friend ? 
 
 "It won't take long, sir; but somehow, I wish it was 
 
260 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 well over," remarked " The Muff of the Minories" to my 
 unworthy self, on the morning of his eventful contest with 
 the well-known " Brummagem Bouncer," for the par- 
 ticulars of which, couched in the flowery language of the 
 "fancy," I must refer my readers to the columns of that 
 eloquent periodical, BelV^ Life in London; and, without 
 for an instant presuming to compare the ceremony illumined 
 by the sacred torch of Hymen with those antagonistic 
 matches which, we learn from the authority of the 
 classics, are presided over by Pollux, I am bound to 
 confess that my waking feeling, on the eventful morning 
 which ushered in my wedding-day, was very much akin to 
 that of my former instructor in the science of self-defence. 
 My head was in a whirl of confusion, consequent upon the 
 number and variety of my necessary arrangements ; my 
 eyes were dazzled with the gorgeous and exceedingly un- 
 becoming raiment in which, as is the custom of my country, 
 I was about to face the ordeal; my ears were deafened 
 with the continuous peal which clanged out from the 
 church steeple of the adjoiaing village, pour encovrager 
 les autres ; and the only clear impression on my bewildered 
 brain was, a fervent wish that it was this time to-morrow, 
 or next week, or next year ! To other and less-interested 
 actors in the scene I must resign the task of describing the 
 different details of the important ceremony — the merriment 
 of friends ; the gravity, not to say sadness, of the principal 
 performers ; the busiuess-like air of the clergyman ; the 
 concealed commiseration of the beadle; and the sarcastic 
 applause of the clerk. Flowers, I am told, were scattered 
 in our path to and from the simple village church, ale 
 flowed in hogsheads, and there was bride-cake enough to 
 make all the school-children sick ; but of these facts I did 
 not become conscious till long afterwards. The Squire 
 gave away his sister, Bagshot performed the service, the 
 fatal words were spoken ; and as I began to have a dim 
 consciousness that Mrs. Montague Forbes had now become 
 Mrs. Nogo, part and parcel of myself, I felt a horrid un- 
 certainty as to the identity of the former owner of that 
 patronymic — a ghastly doubt as to whether this was indeed 
 still the same individual whom, for more years than it is 
 necessary to specify, I had considered as my best and most 
 indulgent friend. 
 
CHAPTEE XXIV 
 
 Davy. Marry sir, thus — ^those precepts cannot be served : and again, 
 sir, shall we sow the headland with wheat ? 
 
 Shallow. With red wheat, Davy. 
 
 Davy. Now, sir, a new link to the bucket must needs be had. — ^And, 
 sir, do yon mean to stop any of William's wages about the sack he lost 
 the other day at Hinkley fair ? 
 
 King Hemry IV. 
 
 Glowing hath ever been the poet's description of the sim- 
 plicity of rustic life ; and much hath plain English been 
 swollen into stanzas, and distorted into rhyme, for the 
 purpose of enlarging on the fable of the " town and 
 country mouse." But paradoxical as it may appear, I 
 am inclined to believe that those, who in theory are most 
 enthusiastic in their admiration of a country life, are the 
 very men, Londoners by destiny, and cockneys in grain, 
 for whom the charms of such a vegetable existence are 
 chiefly enhanced by the impossibility of their following out 
 their Arcadian ideal, and with whom, as with the rest of us, 
 in this discontented world, desire springs most intensely 
 from separation. That poetical wag and polished satirist, 
 who delighted the rank and fashion of ancient Eome with 
 his life-like descriptions, as with his dancing numbers, 
 and bequeathed the name of Horace to our later age, as a 
 type of all that is amusing and agreeable to the man, albeit 
 somewhat unpopular with the schoolboy, modestly expresses 
 the summit of his dearest wishes to be a small farm, a few 
 rods of wood, and a clear and rippling stream ; while the 
 very vividness with which, in a few lines, he places before 
 us the sunny slope, the shady grove, and the refreshing 
 waters, proves that in his yearning after the clear atmo- 
 sphere, and the baliny breeze of the country, he was at 
 
 261 
 
262 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 heart essentially a cockney. But had the bard been 
 destined to sit down for life under his arbutus trees, 
 removed from the charms of his Augustan coterie, as 
 from " the smoke, the riches, and the noise of Eome ; " 
 had he been compelled to earn an appetite for his garlic 
 pottage, by the daUy superintendence of his Sabine clod- 
 poles, cleaving his Sabine clods ; had his conversation with 
 his neighbours been limited to the price of wheat, and his 
 computation of time been reckoned by the yearly epochs of 
 hay-makiug and harvest, we may fairly conclude that the 
 sociable minstrel would have found such an existence a very 
 poor exchange for the life, the fun, and the luxurious repasts 
 of the capital, and would have left us many a terse and 
 classical interpretation of that too well-known substantive 
 which the French call ennui, and the English bore. 
 
 Well, I too have pined for a country life ; I have got up 
 on a fine morning, in London, when the sun, for want of 
 anything better, was wasting his gilding on the chimney- 
 pots ; and I have longed for the smiling pastures, the 
 breezy uplands, and the hill and dale of the open country — 
 have thought that the summit of earthly happiness was to 
 walk round the farm before breakfast, the acme of human 
 comfort to make your own butter and eat your own mutton ; 
 but it is a dangerous experiment for any man, whose youth 
 has been passed in a metropolitan sphere of life, using the 
 expression in its widest sense, and thereby including all the 
 pleasures and amusements of Windsor, Ascot, Epsom, 
 Melton — ay, even the Highlands of Scotland, which are 
 enjoyed by London people, in a London manner — I say it 
 is a dangerous experiment for a man educated in such a 
 school to sit down for life in some quiet nook of a rural 
 parish, and to suppose that because he has sometimes been 
 bored with London, he is for that reason fitted to live 
 entirely in the country. I have always fancied that to fill 
 the situation effectively a man should have been bred a 
 fanner ; and although we see many noblemen and gentlemen, 
 when they have done with the more stirring avocations of 
 the court, the camp, and the senate, assuming the yellow 
 gaiters and out-of-door habits of agricultural prosperity, I 
 have never been given to understand that their cultivation 
 of the soil is based upon a method either so convenient or 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 263 
 
 BO profitable as that of the honest yeoman, " whose farm on 
 his honour's estate is the same that his grandfather tilled; " 
 or that, much as they may study its nature, and argue 
 upon its minutisB, they ever attain that success in the 
 profession of our first parents, which they have achieved 
 in the busier avocations of their early life. For my own 
 part, sparingly as fortune has ever smiled upon my en- 
 deavours, I think my farming has been the worst speculation 
 of all ; nor can I be convinced that I was in my right senses 
 when, having determined to settle permanently in the west, 
 and as near as possible to Topthorne Lodge, I bought the 
 small estate and commodious farm-house of Wild-wood, 
 formerly the property of my Mend Segundo, for which I 
 paid fully one-third more than its marketable value, and 
 on three hundred acres of which I determined, at my own 
 risk, to put in practice my own ideas as to the tillage of 
 the soil. 
 
 Behold me then settled in life ; married to the handsome 
 widow, and, truth to say, somewhat proud of the feat ; in- 
 habiting a comfortable though small and detached house, 
 furnished by my wife's tact in a luxurious manner, and 
 what people call comparatively at small expense, qualified 
 as a magistrate, respected as a landowner, and, in short, 
 learning to be a country gentleman. And now to begin a 
 series of troubles and annoyances which, innocuously as 
 they fall on the heads of some callous individuals, are to an 
 indolent and sensitive man like barbed darts and venomed 
 arrows. Morning, noon, and night, there was no leisure. 
 and no repose. Time hung heavily on my hands ; yet I 
 had never an hour to myself. An out-of-door life was what 
 I wanted to accomplish by my new pursuit; yet every one 
 connected with the farm would come and talk to me in my 
 own sitting-room, " larding " the neat carpet with mud of 
 every description of fertility. If I wished to shoot, my beat 
 had to be regulated, not by the wildness of the birds and 
 the lay of the ground, but by the necessity of diverging 
 into this " close " to see if the fence had been mended, or 
 splashing through that meadow to ascertain if the drains 
 were running properly. Domestic details were bad enough ; 
 but the carelessness of the butcher, or the stupidity of the 
 grocer, were as nothing compared to that which was done 
 
264 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 which should have been left undone, and never commenced 
 which should have been completed, at that infernal farm. 
 
 Probably a diary of one of the many weary days at 
 Wild-wood will give my sympathising reader a better idea 
 of rural felicity than all the lamentations which I could 
 pour forth upon this plaintive theme. Imagine, in the 
 first place, a pretty little house in a most picturesque 
 situation, the building itself combining the attractiveness 
 of a cottage with the conveniences of a mansion ; imagine 
 it fancifully furnished and thoroughly warmed, with good 
 stabling and out-houses attached, and plenty of room for 
 servants — ^that sine qua non without which peace is not. 
 Imagine a surrounding country, beautiful in all the un- 
 dulating richness peculiar to the west; a manor fairly 
 stocked with game, and a neighbourhood in which good 
 dinners were plentiful as blackberries, and old port 
 common as ditch-water; and conceive all these agreeable 
 sundries being spoiled and alloyed by the proximity of 
 that confounded three hundred acres of arable land. 
 
 But to return to the diary. Seven o'clock brings a 
 summons to arise; and although an early hour for a 
 bridegroom, it must be attended to, because " Jacob," my 
 bailiff and factotum, has appointed to see me " fust thing i' 
 th' marning," about giving the men their orders with regard 
 to cutting an unnecessary drain to an unheard-of depth. I 
 yawn my way to my dressing-room, where there is no fire, 
 for the new housemaid is not an early riser, and " master " 
 is too green at the trade to have yet become much of a 
 disciplinarian. Lukewarm water produces a rugged shave, 
 and enduing myself in dread-nought attire, I accompany 
 " Jacob " through a drizzling rain to the " thirty acres," 
 there to find two of the men cannot come because to-day 
 happens to be "Weatherley revel," and for all the good 
 I have done by my exertions I might just as well have 
 remained tu bed. A second toilette fits me for breakfast, 
 and I look forward to a comfortable and domestic meal, 
 the novelty of having my tea made by Mrs. Nogo (I cannot 
 quite bring myself to call her "Nelly") not having yet 
 worn off. The widow, however, has had experience in the 
 ways of the world, and one of the lessons which it has 
 inculcated is never to hurry herself — above all in such an 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 265 
 
 important ceremony as the toilette ; so I am reduced to the 
 painfal alternative of beginning breakfast without her (in 
 which case I shall appear churlish, and have my tea badly 
 made), or of sitting down to the-day-before-yesterday's 
 paper, already conned through, and last night fallen 
 asleep over, to wait in patience for the arrival of my 
 better half. Down she comes at length, very nicely 
 dressed, but not feeling " very well," which I have already 
 learned means being slightly out of sorts, and is a bad 
 beginning for the day. 
 
 " My dear, I wish you would speak to James about that 
 teapot; it is disgracefully cleaned, and nothing spoils 
 servants so much as passing over these things." 
 
 James is the new footman, a six-foot magnifico, and I 
 should just as soon think of reprimanding Julius Caesar ; 
 but I dare say Mrs. N. will do it for me, and twice as 
 effectually. 
 
 "You'll drive me to the Lodge, Til., after limcheon," 
 adds my wife, in an accent I never quite like to disobey ; 
 and although I had meant to get a quiet afternoon's 
 shooting, I express a ready compliance, and breakfast 
 progresses comfortably ; I am just going to have a second 
 cup of tea when enter stately James, as though he were 
 announcing a Duke, to say that " Farmer Veal " is waiting 
 to see me in the study, as servants always persist in calling 
 the apartment where " master " keeps his guns, &c.; and 
 as the gentle Mrs. N. signifies " I had better speak to him 
 at once and have done with it," I forego my other cup and 
 hasten to an interview with the yeoman, having for its 
 object the purchase of a certain quantity of what are 
 termed "store-pigs." It is by this time getting towards 
 noon, the hour at which I was once accustomed to enjoy 
 the double luxury of a book and a cigar ; but these 
 "littering habits," as Mrs. N. calls them, I have now 
 entirely abandoned for ever, and contenting myself with 
 the unsatisfactory substitute of a tooth-pick, I accompany 
 " Jacob " to the yard to inspect a new arrival in the shape 
 of a famous short-homed bull, whom I have purchased at the 
 price of a hunter, but whom I dare not approach with any 
 of the familiarity with which I should handle the latter 
 animal. "Jacob " thinks I paid too much money for him, in 
 
266 TILBVBY NOGO 
 
 which opinion I cordially coincide, and the morning passes 
 off in a series of fault-findings with inefficient bricMayers 
 and dull laboiu-ers, who only seem to comprehend how 
 much more profitable it is to work by " the day " than 
 by " the foot." Luncheon, in which I detect more of 
 yesterday's dinner than I could easily believe to have 
 survived, is interrupted by the collector of rates and 
 taxes (imposts which I fancy my predecessor Segundo 
 never dreamed of paying), and that functionary seems 
 disposed to visit upon the successor all the deficiencies 
 incurred by the previous owner. 
 
 " Have you ordered the pony-carriage. Til. ? " says Mrs. 
 N.; and my multifarious occupations having prevented the 
 morning visit to the stable, which I had always looked 
 forward to as so principal a charm of a regular life, I 
 am forced to confess that I have neglected to do so, and 
 to swallow as best I may the involuntary exclamation of 
 " Dear, how stupid ! " which escapes from the lips that 
 have so lately vowed " to love, honour, and obey." The 
 filth of the straw-yard has made it necessary to adjourn 
 once more to the dressing-room, before I am fit to enter a 
 carriage of any description; and this time, with a par- 
 donable anxiety to appear to advantage in the eyes of 
 my late wedded wife, I get myself up with more than 
 common care and smartness. Alas ! the new Southdowns, 
 placed in a secluded meadow at the back of the house, 
 have one and all broke from their moorings in a state 
 of timid insubordination ludicrous to contemplate; and 
 I cannot resist lending my assistance to " Jacob " and his 
 myrmidons in reclaiming the woolly truants to their 
 original bounds. Varnished boots harmonise but ill 
 with a clay soil, and I am greeted "as a very untidy 
 figure," when I at length take my seat in the pony-chaise 
 en route for Topthorne Lodge. The Squire is not at 
 home, having gone to shoot the outlying coverts, at 
 Moorbank, whither had it not been for my farming 
 avocations I was to have accompanied him, and where 
 he is now peppering away in all the enjoyment of a 
 capital day's sport ; so there is nothing for it but to 
 drive quietly home again. The pony suddenly faUs lame, 
 and at the same time a tempest of wind and rain, which 
 
TILBUBT NOGO i267 
 
 has been brewing in the horizon during the whole afternoon, 
 bursts upon us in pitiless fury, and as there is not a 
 building for miles of our road, we are exposed to the 
 whole violence of the storm. The umbrellas have been 
 forgotten, of course, and we are drenched to the skin; 
 Mrs. N's. rechercM toilette, part of the lately acquired 
 trousseau, being completely spoiled, and my sweet bride's 
 silence, not to say reserve, becoming more profound with 
 each succeeding gust. We reach Wild-wood at last, and 
 here a dry suit of clothes, albeit endued in a smoky 
 dressing-room, restore me to something approaching 
 towards comfort, and I refrain from disturbing Mrs. N., 
 in hopes that by the time dinner is announced she may 
 have recovered her former gaiety and cheerfulness : that 
 necessary meal is kept waiting, and the mutton irre- 
 trievably spoiled, by an enforced interview with one of 
 my new tenants, who taking the opportunity of his 
 return from Weatherley revel in a state of tipsy jocularity 
 for the ill-timed interview with his landlord on matters of 
 business, is good enough to favour me with his company 
 for three-quarters of an hour, during which he discusses 
 the weather, the ministry, Mrs. Nogo's health; in short 
 every thing in the world except the point at issue, and 
 eventually takes his departure having efifected no decided 
 result except the ruin of my over-roasted joint. A quiet 
 evening, a snooze over the " Qvurterly," undisturbed by 
 any music (for Mrs. Nogo confesses she has become " very 
 idle about playing,") and a cup of tea at nine o'clock, 
 would console me for the annoyances of the day, but that 
 my rest is interrupted and my nerves shaken by the 
 keeper bringing in a poacher whom he has taken at this 
 untimely hour, and whom he seems to expect,, in the 
 double capacity of magistrate and proprietor, I shall 
 transport on the spot. The evening is concluded by a 
 perusal of the county paper, in which the account of 
 a horrid burglary accompanied with violence, and per- 
 petrated at a lone farm-house not twelve miles from where 
 we live, sends me to bed not at all satisfied that the life 
 of a country gentleman, residing on his own property 
 and farming his own acres, is half such a course of 
 unruffled prosperity as in my London career I had ever 
 been taught to consider it. 
 
268 TILBURY NOGO 
 
 Thus the days rolled on ; and as I soon got more care- 
 less ahout the farm, and discovered that Mrs. Nogo, with 
 all her charms, was subject to sundry weaknesses of her 
 sex, such as "nervous attacks," " palpitations ■ of the 
 heart " when anything went wrong, and " lowness of 
 spirits " when cheered by no other society than my own, 
 I began to cast about for some amusing pursuit, which, 
 while it took me abroad for the purpose of air and exercise, 
 should at the same time furnish me with a little of that 
 wholesome excitement to which I had all my life been 
 accustomed. The Squire's hounds were generally so wide 
 of my present residence, that one day a week with my 
 brother-in-law was the most I could conveniently accom- 
 plish; and shooting, besides being comparatively a tame 
 amusement, cannot last over the month of February. 
 Suddenly the idea struck me, why should I not keep a pack 
 of harriers ? Like all new comers, I was as yet popular 
 with the farmers ; I had two or three moderately good horses, 
 and one very clever pony. " BUI," the boy who did all 
 the work of the stable, was quick and handy, and rode 
 well : he might whip-in to me ; I would hunt the hounds 
 and blow the horn in my proper person. And abeady, in 
 my miud's eye, the appointments of the Wild-wood hunt, 
 or Mr. Nogo's harriers, took their honoured place at the 
 bottom of the hunting column in Bell's Life. I hinted 
 my intention to the Squire ; and, unlike most masters of 
 fox-hounds, he largely encouraged the idea, and liberally 
 presented me with a most unsightly draft from his own 
 kennel. Far and near the country was scoured for any- 
 thing in the shape of a hound that was attainable for love 
 or money : and blue-mottled beagles, lap-eared harriers, 
 and now and then a great rough-coatied southern "bellower," 
 made their successive appearances in the make-shift kennel 
 at Wild-wood farm. A green coat was built by the tailor 
 at Weatherley, a couple of useful forty-pound nags pur- 
 chased from the neighbouring farmers, a horn, which I 
 could not blow, ordered from London ; and in a space of 
 time so short that it astonished even my impatient self, I 
 found the day had arrived on which I was to take the 
 field for the first time in my new capacity of master and 
 huntsman. 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 269 
 
 Much do I fear that the once-appreciated sport, so much 
 lauded in the ancient ditty which affirms " that nothing can 
 compare with the hunting of the hare," is now falling, if 
 not into disuse, at least into a contempt which it does not 
 deserve. In the present days of rapidity both in thought 
 and movement, any amusement which does not partake of 
 the boiling excitement so necessary to our modem youth, 
 is at once condemned as " slow," an adjective that seems 
 to comprise everything that is most despicable in the 
 opinion of those who use it. ' To get upon a high-couraged, 
 well-bred, and perfectly broken hunter; to ride him for 
 twenty minutes at the rate of twenty miles an hour, after 
 a pack of hounds that during the last half of that time have 
 over-run the scent ; to jump the stile that Easper fell over, 
 and face the brook that Brag refused ; to take gates in his 
 stride and doubles in his swing — such seem to be the ideas 
 connected with hunting, in the mind of one of our rising 
 generation of sportsmen. Hear him describe a run after 
 dinner — that genial period when the true sentiments of the 
 man rise to the surface as brightly as the Chateau 
 Margeaux bubbles to the goblet's brim; and is not this 
 very much the fashion in which he relates a day's sport, 
 wherein the hounds seem to be the very last subject under 
 consideration ? " Directly I heard the foot-people holloa 
 him away from the opposite side, I went dovra and jumped 
 that 'bottom' where Smasher got his horse cast last 
 season, and by that means got a capital start away from 
 the people, and a-head of the leading hounds. We had 
 some queer fences, I can tell you; but luckily for me, 
 I was riding old Flash-in-the-pan, 'and at the pace we 
 were going ' he thought nothing of them. Bumptious was 
 a little a-head of me, but his horse refused the brook ; and 
 as I jumped it in my stride I overhauled him." Here you 
 put in a question as to what sort of head the hounds 
 carried, what terms they were on with their fox, the 
 assistance, if any, which they received from their hunts- 
 man ; and for a moment you rate the fast one back to the 
 line, but it is only for a moment. " Oh, the hoimds ! " he 
 replies, as if he should not otherwise have mentioned 
 them — " they ran like fury ; it was all grass, and I believe 
 up wind. I know the pace was so good I was blown when 
 
270 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 we got to the double-post and rails ; but I broke the 
 further one, and got over without a fall." And filling a 
 large glass of claret, he gets back to his own deeds of 
 daring and the incomparable prowess of Flash-in-the-pan. 
 But exciting as all this is, and good fun as unquestionably 
 it must be, we can scarcely call these steeple-chases after 
 hounds by the name of hunting, or the vain-glorious pro- 
 moters thereof by the title of sportsmen. Do they ever 
 consider that if no one took more pains than themselves 
 to master the arcana of that pursuit, to which, after all, 
 they devote a large portion of their time ; if master, hunts- 
 man, whips, hounds, &c., were " all for a gallop " and 
 nothing else ; if the head of the establishment were not 
 cautious, and his myrmidons what our lively friend terms 
 " slow," what would become of that reliance on each 
 other, that equality in pace, and union in quickness, which 
 enables a pack of hounds to show him such a breather 
 as "winds up" his favourite hunter — ^thoroughbred one 
 though he be — in less than a quarter of an hour ? This 
 brilliant display, like some gorgeous pantomime, has been 
 prepared and " got up " with a degree of pains and trouble 
 which only those who are " behind the scenes " can appre- 
 ciate or calculate : and many an endless woodland, many a 
 cold hunting "journey " can bear witness to the perse- 
 verance and discipline which eventually attain such popular 
 results as " twenty-five minutes without a check over 
 grass, six miles from point to point, and pulled him down 
 in the middle of a sixty-acre field, a quarter of a mile from 
 the maia earths at Cold Harbour, which were open." Let 
 us then not turn up our noses when the hounds put down 
 theirs ; let us not despise slow hunting ; and, above all, 
 the slow-hunting which is so characteristic of a pack of 
 harriers. I have heard it said by men who have distin- 
 guished themselves in both pursuits, that the science and 
 ingenuity required to kill " a good hare," are even greater 
 than those which are necessary to give an account of a 
 " bad fox ; " and there is many a weather-beaten old dodger, 
 in low-crowned hat and mahogany tops, mounted on some 
 venerable "bo-kicker" with a snaffle bridle, who brings a 
 degree of thoughtfulness and quick apprehension to bear 
 on his long-eared, blue-mottled favourites, that would do 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 271 
 
 honour to the fastest huntsman that ever rode over the 
 most flying country of the much-admired "Shires." 
 
 Well, notwithstanding Mrs. Nogo's contempt for the 
 whole performance, I got my hounds together, learned their 
 names, drafted, fed, and encouraged them till they knew 
 me as intimately and confided in me as entirely as the 
 most sagacious retriever in Norfolk knows and confides in 
 the tyrant in velveteen, whose heel he has followed since 
 his puppyhood, and from whom no amount of seduction 
 can tempt the faithful and much-enduring animal. It 
 really was a pleasure on a fine scenting morning to ride one 
 of my quiet steady-going horses to the kennel-door, and 
 witness the rush of my favourites as they came pouring out 
 to meet me, jumping over each other's backs in their eager- 
 ness to share their master's approbation, and ever and 
 anon throwing their deep mellow tongues ; while they 
 shook back their long pendant ears, as if to tell me how 
 ready and willing they were for our mutual labour and 
 amusement. It is needless to describe the difficulties I 
 had to encounter, or the ignorance I was obliged to con- 
 ceal, in my first attempts at hunting the wiliest animal of 
 the chase ; for in shrewd cunning and baffling subterfuge 
 I conceive a hare to be infinitely more deceptive than a fox. 
 In time my hounds became steady, and I began to learn ; 
 and ere long a good scenting day and some opportune 
 assistance from a farmer enabled me to decide upon the 
 great superiority conceded at the dinner-table to a hare 
 that has been hvnted to death, over her sister peppered 
 with No. 6, and afterwards mangled by a retriever at a 
 battue. But satisfactory as was my success on this never- 
 to-be-forgotten occasion, I had no one with whom to discuss 
 my perplexities or to enjoy my triumphs. 
 
 Mrs. Nogo took, as she said now, " little interest in field- 
 sports ; " the few farmers over whose land I rode were 
 not people I could ask to dinner, and the Squire was so 
 occupied with county business and the management of his 
 own fox-hounds, that he had seldom leisure to pay me a 
 visit, or to look at my harriers. Joe Bagshot, who was a 
 priceless companion in the field or at the dinner-table, had 
 sold the old brown horse, and was becoming, since his 
 marriage, an altered man,- whilst the country gentlemen 
 
272 TILBUB7 NOaO 
 
 and squirearchy lived mostly so wide of Wild-wood, as to 
 make it impossible to keep up anything like constant 
 intercourse. In this dearth of society, it occurred to me 
 that I should be doing myself a favour, as well as conferring 
 a kindness upon my ci-devant medical adviser, by inviting 
 little Dr. Dott, that enthusiast in sporting and surgery, 
 that Nimrod of the Pharmacopoeia, to come down and stay 
 with me a week or ten days, and enjoy in practice those 
 amusements on which in theory he loved to expatiate. 
 My horses were easy and temperate; even if they should 
 be too much for the little doctor, a child might ride the 
 pony. Yes, I would ask him down, mount him, take him 
 over to the kennels at Topthorne, and send him home with 
 anecdotes of the wild sports of the west, that should last 
 him his lifetime, and make his wife and children stare with 
 astonishment to hear the heroic deeds of the head of the 
 family. 
 
 Leave was obtained from Mrs. Nogo, though not without 
 some slight demur, until it occurred to her that to have a 
 " medical man in the house " would be such a comfort in 
 her state of health ; a note was despatched to London 
 containing a pressing invitation, and ftdl particulars as to 
 the route by which my guest was to reach the farm. His 
 reply to my letter, forwarded by return of post, so eagerly 
 accepted my offer, that I really looked forward with the 
 greatest pleasure to the arrival of my Esculapius ; nor 
 from my previous knowledge of the limited extent of his 
 practice did my conscience smite me as to the harm his 
 absence from London might inflict upon his interests. I 
 sent a dog-cart to meet him at the station — ^for even in 
 that remote district there was a railway, and consequently 
 a station ; and as Mrs. Nogo and myself sat over the 
 drawing-room fire, and deferred ordering -tea until the 
 arrival of our guest, we amused ourselves with speculating 
 on his surprise and delight at a mode of life so entirely 
 differing from his usual habits ; whilst we listened, not I 
 am afraid without a slight degree of self-satisfaction, to the 
 vrintry wind that howled round the house, and drove the 
 pattering rain against the windows, whilst we charitably 
 hoped that " the waters might not be out " at the ford 
 through which our expected guest must pass ere he could 
 arrive at Wild-wood farm. 
 
CHAPTEE XXV 
 
 Oh 1 how they bustled round him. 
 
 How merrily they found him ; 
 
 And how stealthily they wound him, 
 
 Through each dingle and each dell I 
 Oh I how they sped together 
 O'er the moor among tiie heather. 
 Like birds of the same feather 1 
 
 And their music like a bell. 
 
 Original Humting Song 
 
 Fool. — ^Frythee, nuncle, be contented ; this is 
 A naughty night to swim in. 
 
 King Lear. 
 
 A RING at the door-bell — a shuffling of feet — a banging of 
 doors — and that peculiar vibration which, even in the most 
 solidly-built house, heralds " an arrival " — announced that 
 the Doctor had successfully braved the dangers and diffi- 
 culties of open commons, treacherous fords, muddy lanes, 
 and dubious cross-roads, in defiance of the darkness and 
 the gale. As I rushed into the entrance-hall to greet my 
 guest, he was in the act of "peeling " : nor could " Cheops " 
 himself, though swathed in the multiplied paraphernalia of 
 a " mummy," have rejoiced in a greater number of defensive 
 garments than those which enveloped the careful wayfarer. 
 Off they came : first an oil-skm travelling head-dress, 
 attached, like the mailed hood of some warlike Templar, 
 to a set of waterproof robes that might defy a. deluge — then 
 a red silk handkerchief, bound skilfully round the ear-flaps 
 of a far cap — then a gaudy-patterned shawl, which had 
 preserved nose and mouth from contact with the elements 
 — then a series of great coats, commencing with a sporting 
 wrap-rascal, and concluding with the well-knoTvn black 
 
 19 273 
 
274 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 " Taglioni," which was considered a sufficiently professional 
 costume for the metropolis — lower down, drab mud-boots, 
 and india-rubber goloshes, challenged even the casualties 
 of an upset and a pedestrian pilgrimage through the mud — 
 till, skin after skin being cast off and laid aside, we came 
 to the Doctor at last. 
 
 " Glad to see you looking so well, Mr. Nogo," was his 
 cheerful reply to my greetings. " Ah ! nothing like 
 country air and exercise. This, sir, is indeed a delightful 
 situation (it had been pitch dark for the last ten miles of 
 the Doctor's journey) — so wild, so free, so completely the 
 country. Charmed to be presented to Mrs. Nogo. No 
 more reckless escapadoes now — an altered man, sir, an 
 altered man. The wildest of us tame at last, I say to 
 Mrs. Dott : but the spirit remains the same." 
 
 And, thus prattling on, the Doctor was ushered into the 
 drawing-room, and set down to the tea-table, where I was 
 agreeably surprised to find Mrs. Nogo was inclined to be 
 extremely affable and condescending. Our good-humoured 
 little guest was enchanted with all he saw and all he heard. 
 The country cream was so rich — ^the country butter was 
 so good — it was so pleasant to hear the wild wind howling 
 round the house, uninterrupted by the muffin-man's bell, 
 or the roll of the Kennington omnibus ; but never shall I 
 forget his delight when, on the retirement of Mrs. Nogo, 
 I announced to him the arrangements I had made for the 
 following day's sport, and the exciting intelligence that I 
 had a capital mount for him with my harriers." 
 
 " A thing I've pined for, for years, Mr. Nogo," exclaimed 
 this theoretical Nimrod. " Fond as I am, sir, of shooting, 
 and other field sports, I despised them all as compared with 
 the chase. Destiny, sir, has made me a doctor; but 
 Nature, Mr. Nogo — 'pon my word, I sometimes think. 
 Nature intended me for an Osbaldiston ! " 
 
 And with this comfortable assurance my enthusiastic 
 guest, refusing all offers of wine-and-water on the plea 
 that he wished his nerves to be in tip-top order for the 
 morrow, lit his bed-candle and retired to his chamber in 
 that enviable state of anticipatory excitement which few of 
 us are fortunate enough to experience after our schoolboy 
 days have been numbered with the past. 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 276 
 
 Notwithstanding our ill-natured remarks upon it, what a 
 climate after all is our own ! John Bull thinks it is right 
 to abuse incessantly two things which he considers his 
 peculiar property ; and those are, his ministry and his 
 weather ; yet if we can get him to reason — no easy task — ■ 
 he must confess, that in no other country are public affairs 
 managed with so much regard to public good, and under no 
 other skies does animal life, whether of man or beast, 
 thrive so well, or attpiin so high a degree of perfection. 
 " Variety is charming," and that charm no one can deny 
 to the different kiuds of weather which successively con- 
 stitute an English summer's day ; yet, with all its fickleness, 
 all its changes, I doubt whether there is any other climate 
 under the sun in which a person may be so many hoti/rs 
 out-of-doors and taking exercise as in our own. Either it 
 is too hot during one part of the year, or too cold during 
 another,, or there is, a stillness which suffocates you, varied 
 by a land-breeze that produces, you know not why, ague, 
 malaria, disease, and death ; whilst in England that very 
 mutability which disappoints you of your excursion in the 
 morning, produces in the afternoon an atmosphere such as 
 you have figured to yourself surrounded our first parents in 
 Paradise; whilst a night of wind, rain, and tempest, is 
 succeeded by a soft, sunny, mild, winter's morning, breathing 
 fragrance from saturated sword and dripping hawthorn, 
 and reminding you, if a sportsman, of bounding steed and 
 echoing hound, and the many fine runs you have seen 
 and enjoyed, during that golden period of the foxhunter's 
 calendar, the sport-producing month of February. 
 
 Such a morning greeted the Doctor and myself as we 
 started — after a voluminous breakfast, to which I thought 
 my guest did but scant justice — on our way to the meet. 
 My hounds had gone on early. As we were to hunt in a 
 wild moorland district several miles from the farm, and 
 with a praiseworthy regard for his unaccustomed frame, 
 and a due consideration of the " loss of leather " sustained 
 by the sportsman who can only obtain " an occasional day," 
 I thought it best to take the Doctor " on wheels " to the 
 place of meeting, and thereby save him as large a portion 
 as possible of that equestrian exercise which, when freely 
 indulged in without proper preparation, makes " the rack 
 
276 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 of a too easy chair " anythiilg but an ironical metaphor, or 
 a poetic exaggeration. As we drove along through the 
 fresh morning air, my companion was loud in his anticipa- 
 tions of sport, and his implied compliments to his own 
 prowess in the field, though I thought I detected a shade of 
 nervousness in the rapidity of his utterance and the many 
 questions he put to me as to the temperate deportment of 
 his " mount." The Doctor's costume, too, though doubt- 
 less well adapted to encounter the "moving accidents of 
 flood and field," was hardly what we should call workman- 
 like in its general character and the way in which it was 
 put on : drab cord trousers, thrust into the recesses of 
 large jack-boots, the latter appendages adorned with huge 
 brass spurs, harmonised but ill with a black frock-coat and 
 moleskin waistcoat ; nor did the addition of a velvet hunt- 
 ing-cap, purchased for the occasion, at once confer upon 
 the wearer that sporting air of distinction which he evidently 
 desired to assume. However, the Doctor's dress was his 
 own affair ; it was my business, if possible, to show him 
 a run : and when we drove up to our appointed " ren- 
 dezvous " — a small clump of firs on a wide open common 
 — and found hounds, horses, one or two well-mounted 
 gentlemen, a country horse-breaker, and several farmers, 
 grouped about in picturesque confusion, I began to feel 
 that my reputation, too, was at stake as a master of hounds, 
 and to experience a sort of nervous anxiety to show them 
 a fine day's sport ! The first thing, however, was to give 
 the Doctor a fair start ; and in order to do so, it was neces- 
 sary to get him well established in the saddle. With this 
 view my grey horse Blueskin, the soberest and most tract- 
 able animal in my stable, was sidled up to the step of the 
 dog-cart, in order that the Doctor might get upon him, in 
 true Melton fashion, without soiling the brilliancy of his 
 jack-boots — a manceuvre which the grey resented by putting 
 his ears back, tucking in his tail, and looking very much 
 inclined to kick. Why is it that whenever you have been 
 boasting of any peculiar excellence in your steed, he should 
 invariably take the first opportunity of showing himself to 
 be in a diametrically opposite humour to that for which you 
 have been praising him? Why is it that no sooner are 
 the words out of your lips, "This horse has never yet 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 277 
 
 given me a fall," than down he goes neck-and-heela 
 over a contemptible place at which a donkey would be 
 ashamed to make a mistake ? and that the docile animal, 
 whom you have been recommending for his immovable 
 steadiness and general good conduct to carry a nervous 
 lady or timid elderly gentleman, should, in the immediate 
 presence of the disbelieving purchaser, think it necessary 
 to squeal and gambol like the veriest two-year-old that 
 ever ran unbroken in his paddock ? As are other horses, 
 so was Blueskin. Contrary to all previous experience, 
 he was evidently in that disagreeable state which ladies 
 call "frisky," and apologists "fresh; " and when I saw 
 the awkward manner in which the Doctor climbed into the 
 saddle, and gathered his reins up all of a heap, I confess I 
 began to have misgivings as to the result. 
 
 " I say, he's — 'he's — ^very quiet, isn't he ? " asked the 
 breathless equestrian, as the horse sidled away amongst 
 his old friends the hounds, snorting, shaking his head, 
 and "reaching" at his bridle, in a manner which much 
 discomposed the security of his rider's seat. " These large 
 horses require a deal of holding," added he, half ashamed 
 of his want pf skill in the mcm^ge, as, with mounting 
 colour, he knotted his reins and crammed his hat down 
 upon his head in a " do-or-die " sort of fashion which was 
 anything but suggestive of a pleasant excursion ; but the 
 Doctor was now in for it, and being a gallant little fellow 
 at heart, there was a game sparkle in his eye that, with all 
 his misgivings as to the result, showed he " meant mis- 
 chief." 
 
 My attention, however, was soon taken up with the 
 many and onerous duties of my position ; and, after much 
 consultation with the sporting agriculturists who consti- 
 tuted my field, we hastened to dispose ourselves over the 
 surrounding country, and spread abroad in every direction, 
 peeping into furrows and lashing turnip-tops, in the or- 
 thodox manner of performing that not very enlivening 
 ceremony denominated " drawing for a hare." 
 
 The farmers were a capital set of fellows, thorough 
 sportsmen one and all ; the country, a wild district, with 
 few resident landlords, and totally unpreserved. Coursing 
 was a favourite amusement with the aboriginal inhabitaiPts ; 
 
278 TILBUBY NOOO 
 
 and I have no doubt that whenever a poor man wanted a 
 brace of partridges or a pheasant, he went to look for them 
 without more ado. All this might be very pleasant, but, 
 as may be supposed, was not conducive to the super- 
 abundance of game. At three o'clock in the afternoon we 
 were still pursuing a fruitless search for the object of our 
 chase without having experienced any excitement or 
 amusement, save what may have been derived from the 
 hapless " medico," who tumbled off Blueskin at two 
 successive leaps; but, nothing daunted, resumed his pre- 
 carious situation on " the pigskin," and, borrowing a pen- 
 knife from the whipper-in, shortened his stirrup-leathers to 
 an unheard of brevity, and with a fortitude worthy of a 
 nobler cause, shook his feathers, and was "up and at it 
 again ! " -. 
 
 " There do be mostly a heer in Varmer Vowles'a 
 turmits," said the last of my attendant pedestrians, as he 
 pointed to a small enclosure, bordering on the open moor, 
 and signified his intention of " cutting it " if this final 
 chance should prove a blank ; and, indeed, by this time the 
 hungriest of my field had departed for their comfortable 
 homes, where the pudding was already being spoiled, and 
 my retinue was reduced to the horse-breaker (who, had no 
 dinner to go to) ; the occupier of the turnips alluded to, on 
 a stout black pony ; the indefatigable Doctor, my boy 
 " Bill," and myself. A wilder spot of ground could hardly 
 be conceived than that on which we now found ourselves. 
 The small enclosure we were entering bordered upon a 
 steep narrow dingle, covered with small patches of gorse, 
 which, scattered more and more thinly as the ground 
 ascended, gave place at length to an expanse of open moor- 
 land, bounded as far as the eye could reach only by its own 
 black skyline ; a few groups of fir trees served to mark the 
 extent of this undulating tract ; and as the farmer got off 
 his pony to remove a low sheep-hurdle (an operation the 
 horse-breaker saved him the trouble of completing by 
 knocking it all to shivers) he remarked : " The moorland 
 heers be woundy stout 'uns," and opined the Squire 
 (meaning me) would have enough to do in " catching on 
 'em, if so be as we was lucky enough to be concerned with an 
 old Jack as knew the trade and was pretty stout of heart ! " 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 279 
 
 The words are scarcely out of his lips when "Woldsman 
 and Jezebel, feathering down a fdrrow, throw their heads 
 into the air, and burst forth in a melody which awakens a 
 chorus of harmony from the rest of the pack. Ere I have 
 time to collect my scattered ideas — ere I am conscious that 
 the horse-breaker's four-year-old is rearing straight on-end, 
 too frantic to be prevailed on to go one way or the other — 
 that " Bill," having got them together with two cracks of 
 his whip, is sticking his spurs in up to the rowels, and 
 " setting-to " like a workman — ^that the strokes I hear, 
 applied so vigorously and in such rapid succession, are 
 from the stalwart fanner cudgelling his pony; and that 
 Blueskin, having completely overpowered the Doctor, is 
 now tearing away at the very outside pace which a some- 
 what slow horse can command — ^I find myself, I scarcely 
 know how, across the dingle — through the gorse-bushes — 
 all plain sailing before me — standing up in my stirrups, 
 laying hold of the brown horse's great fiddle-head, and 
 galloping for bare life after those streaming hounds, which, 
 as they scour along over the level moor, heads up and 
 stems down, in the mute ecstasy of a burning scent, I can 
 scarcely believe are my own steady, sedate, " tow-rowing," 
 close-hunting, pack of harriers ! The force of habit induces 
 me to fumble for my horn ; but I am not yet sufficiently 
 skilled in music to combine a solo on that instrument with 
 the Derby pace at which I am compelled to go along ; and 
 there are no stragglers to bring up — ^no, they are all 
 forward, eleven couple of them, and racing over the heather 
 like mad. We shall burst this hare in ten minutes — kill 
 her and get home before dark. But where are my field ? 
 A deep holding patch of black half-boggy surface obliges 
 me to reduce my pace, and I look around me at what I 
 must necessarily call my companions in misfortune. The 
 horse-breaker, his red neckcloth streaming in the wind, his 
 knees up to his pommel, and his hands up to his chin, has 
 got the four-year-old tolerably steadied by the unmerciful 
 pace at which he has come, and is now gallantly holding 
 his own in a style which I cannot help thinking " dealer's 
 condition" will be unable to sustain. Bill, a precocious 
 urchin for his years, who, when I hired him as a quiet lad 
 to do odd jobs about the stable, had the impudence to 
 
280 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 enumerate his only two qualifications, as being able " to 
 holler and ride," is slightly ahead of me, down wind of the 
 hounds, and with his feather weight and every turn in his 
 favour, going so much at his ease, that I determine to take 
 that horse from him and ride him myself in future. The 
 stout farmer, far in the rear, and utterly hopeless of ever 
 seeing us again, is stiU licking the pony. Whilst Doctor 
 Dott, who, since he has got a pull at Blueskin, has been 
 riding behind me, line for line and foot for foot, so close 
 that any mistake on the part of my horse must inevitably 
 result in my instantaneous destruction by my pursuer, now 
 comes up alongside, bathed in perspiration, and in a perfect 
 ecstacy of delight. 
 
 " Capital horse, sir," says the Doctor ; " what a line ! — 
 what a country ! — what a moment ! ! " 
 
 But there is no time for congratulations, as the hounds, 
 after a momentary check, have stooped again to the scent, 
 and are running faster than ever. See, they top that 
 ragged stone wall, which grins at us in uncompromising 
 hideousness as we get nearer and nearer, and the unavoid- 
 able obstacle looms larger and larger ; it stretches to the 
 horizon on either side, and we must indeed "jump, or else 
 go home." Bill flies it like a bird ; the horse-breaker and 
 the four-year-old follow him over, in a sort of complicated 
 scramble. Now for the Doctor ! — the little man is boiling 
 with excitement, and goes at it forty mile an hour — ^Blue- 
 skin jumps it like a deer; but the hapless novice, 
 describing a rapid parabola in the air, shoots over the 
 astonished horse's head, and forms a spread-eagle on the 
 resounding turf with a thump that makes my teeth feel loose 
 in my head ! Game to the last, he retains his hold of the 
 bridle, and though dragged upwards of twenty yards by the 
 impatient Blueskin, succeeds in stopping and remounting 
 him without losing his place. The little man is a right 
 good one after all, if he had only had practice. My horse 
 gets over, but dislodges two or three stones, as though to 
 give me a gentle hint that this sort of fun is not to go on 
 all day ; and welcome indeed is the check which takes place 
 half a mile further on, and enables us to come up really 
 with the hounds, and give a moment's breathing-space to 
 our panting horses. 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 281 
 
 "Forwaxd, lads — forward, sir ! " says Bill, as the hoimds, 
 dashing once more to the front, begin work again as though 
 there was to be no end to it. " No hare this, sir ; my life 
 on it we have got an old dog-fox before us, and we'U have 
 his nose, my little darlings," added the presumptuous 
 youth, as he sticks my spurs into my horse, and rides to 
 my hounds, as if he were a peer of the realm. Sure 
 enough, the line is still forward, and the pace still good. 
 Blueskin is getting confoundedly blown ; the horse-breaker, 
 it is evident, cannot last ten minutes longer; and the merry 
 harriers, not adapted either by breeding or condition for 
 this sort of rapid and protracted locomotion, are tailing 
 most woefully ; the dwarf fox-hounds, particularly two in- 
 subordinate puppies lately drafted from Squire Topthome's, 
 are racing away at head ; the legitimate harriers, throwing 
 their occasional tongues as if to claim some participation in 
 the sport, are moiling on as they best can, in a tolerably 
 compact body ; whilst the southern-crossed and beagle-bred 
 line-hunters, scattered for miles upon our track, are limping 
 and yowling in the rear. Once we turn as if for the low 
 country, and I confess my hopes are aroused that we may 
 soon be about to conclude the performance ; but no ! a 
 sharp turn ttp wmd brings us back more decidedly upon 
 the moor, and I can see no reason in the world why we 
 should not go on till to-morrow evening. Meanwhile, grief 
 and persuasion are the order of the day for the quadrupeds. 
 The last farewell look which I cast at the horse-breaker 
 shows that pitiless worthy standing on his own short legs, 
 ruefully contemplating the hapless four-year-old, who, with 
 head and tail erect, nostnl distended, and his feet 
 resolutely planted as widely as possible from each other 
 towards the four points of the compass, offers a flagrant 
 example of that helpless state which metaphorical wags 
 describe as being " done to a turn." Bill is going best. 
 My horse is by no means comfortable, and seems to think 
 a strong severe bit a delightful support to lean upon. 
 Blueskin is lobbing on ; but the pace at which he bustled 
 away with the Doctor during the first burst has told tales, 
 and 1 calculate another seven minutes ought about to finish 
 him. The farmer has been told off a long time. We have 
 been running an hour and twenty minutes, and it is getting 
 dark. 
 
282 TILBUBY NOOO 
 
 What do I see ? — another stone wall looming through 
 the rapidly-increasing obscurity, and the hounds topping it 
 like a cataract. No power on earth shall induce me to 
 follow that dare-devil BUI in his mad career; and, 
 cautiously dismounting, I establish a gap, through which 
 the still-excited Doctor and myself drag our jaded steeds. 
 How quickly it gets dark ! As we remount, and, with 
 much exertion, " boil up " a sort of apology for a 
 canter, Bill and the leading hounds are completely out of 
 sight. Here and there a white speck, fleeting along 
 through the gloom, shows where some champion of the 
 kennel is vainly struggling to resume his place amongst his 
 forward comrades; whilst "Tumbler" and "Tuberose," 
 their great square heads drooping to the earth as they 
 laboinr along at my horse's heels, look piteously up at me, 
 as though to say, " What could induce a respectable, 
 steady-going pack of harriers to embark upon such a 
 harum-scarum performance as the present?" For long 
 we have lost sight of the main body, and been guided in 
 our course only by the rapidly-failing cry of the hounds 
 still in chase. At length this last auxiliary deserts us, 
 and we pull up in sheer despair ; for it is now pitch-dark, 
 and the surface of the moor, at no time much to be 
 depended upon, is not to be traversed on horseback except 
 by daylight. The situation is not without its romance; 
 but the facts are extremely uncomfortable — ^not to say 
 disheartening. The Doctor's figure looms like some 
 phantom horseman by my side; and although I cannot 
 distinguish his face, the joyous rapidity of his utterance, 
 the triumphant swagger of his tone, betoken that he at all 
 events is entirely satisfied with his heroic achievements and 
 his day's amusement. 
 
 "What a run, Mr. Nogo! quite unparalleled, sir, I 
 should conceive. Famous horse, this — never was so 
 carried. How far may we be from Wild- wood ? — you know 
 the road, of course." Alas ! I was obliged to confess my 
 total ignorance, not only of the country in which we now 
 found ourselves, and the distance we were from our dinner, 
 but likewise of the whole bearings of this thinly-inhabited 
 district, and of any the most remote chance there was that 
 we should obtain shelter for the night. This was a damper 
 
TILBUBT NOGO 288 
 
 even for the Doctor's enthusiasm; but the excitement 
 had not yet subsided, and he bore it gallantly enough, 
 considering his state of soreness and fatigue. Alas ! he 
 was destined to experience a more effectual cooler ere the 
 conclusion of his adventures. 
 
 " I think we are on a track," said I, peering over my 
 horse's head, as I fancied his feet rung on somewhat harder 
 soil. 
 
 " Shall I get down and feel? " replied my companion, 
 willing at any risk to obtain a change of position. 
 
 As the Doctor staggered down from the saddle, the sky 
 lifted a little, and enabled us to distinguish a long low line 
 of dark objects that might possibly be farm buildings ; and 
 I even fancied I discovered something like a glimmer of 
 light, as it were from a casement, in the indistinct mass. 
 
 " All right," said the Doctor, stepping cautiously on, in 
 front of his horse, as I called his attention to the probable 
 refuge; " and here there seems to be a road — a white chalk 
 road — if we could but get down this bank to it. What a 
 comfort, a good hard road ! " added he, as the indistinct 
 bundle, which I knew to be his figure, disappeared totally 
 from my sight ; and Blueskin, tired as he was, started back 
 with a loud snort. In another second a tremendous splash, 
 followed by a succession of plunges and spattering, 
 
 Just like unto a tiundling mop, 
 Or a wild goose at play, 
 
 from my alarmed and totally-immersed comrade, convinced 
 me that the Doctor's good hard road was a wide brook, a 
 navigable canal, or some other deceptive form of the com- 
 fortless and limpid element. 
 
 "Help ! " sputtered the Doctor as he came to the surface, 
 where, despite of my most strenuous endeavours, I found it 
 impossible to distinguish him. " Help ! Mr. Nogo ! I shall 
 be drowned ! — ^what a conclusion ! " and, leaving the horses 
 to their fate, I scrambled down the bank, and found my 
 unfortunate friend standing up to his shoulders in water — 
 for though the brook was of no great depth, it must be 
 remembered that neither was the Doctor a man of colossal 
 proportions — and totally unable, even with all the assist- 
 
284 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 ance I could render him, to extricate himself from his 
 dangerous and uncomfortable position. A faint moon, 
 struggling through the stormy sky, looked down in pitiless 
 indifference on the clear cold surface of the stream, relieved 
 by our two struggling figures (for I was hauling at the 
 Doctor with might and main) ; whilst a thick bush of alders 
 and an old pollard willow, standing out against the fitful, 
 stormy sky, gave a desolate and hopeless appearance to the 
 scene. What was to be done ? haul as I would I could not 
 get him out ; and the poor little man, what with cold and 
 apprehension, was fast becoming more and more helpless. 
 ]ji this dilemma, it occurred to me that I had better begin 
 to " holloa " with might and maiin, and at least take the 
 chance of those buildings being inhabited which I felt 
 confident I had seen. Accordingly I began to roar out, at 
 the utmost pitch of my voice, the alarming cry of "Murder! 
 — Help ! — ^Murder ! " accompanied, though in feebler tones, 
 by the failing soprano of the chattering Doctor. Ere long 
 I had the satisfaction of seeing lights distinctly glimmering 
 at no great distance, and in the direction where I had 
 before supposed there stood an inhabited house; and, as we 
 redoubled our cries and exclamations, we were cheered by 
 the tones of a gruff voice shouting, in accents of mingled 
 anger and anxiety, "Where be ye? — we're a-coming! — 
 Here, Giles ! Tummas ! " till a few more exclamations 
 from the exhausted Doctor brought a powerful auxiliary to 
 our rescue in the shape of a sturdy west-country farmer, 
 accompanied by two ploughmen and a lantern ; who, after 
 much difficulty in finding out our actual position, and a 
 somewhat prolonged dialogue exchanged between the 
 rescuers on the bank and the sufferers in the bed of the 
 stream — for in my efforts to extricate the Doctor I had 
 myself got in up to my waist — succeeded in hauling us by 
 main strength to " terra JirTna," where, with natural 
 curiosity, he proceeded to inquire how we came into our 
 present plight, and what train of events had produced the 
 very unusual spectacle of two dismounted gentlemen, clad 
 in hunting costume, standing waist-deep in water, towards 
 the commencement of a dark and stormy winter's night. 
 
 " Glad to see ye, Squire Nogo," said the hospitable 
 yeoman, as he strode before us towards his farm, greedily 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 285 
 
 listening to an explanation — " Glad to see ye, even in such 
 a plight as yon. My men'll find your horses, I'll warrant, 
 and hounds as well; and, meanwhile, you're heartily 
 welcome — and you too, sir.' With which words, he 
 ushered us into his ample, clean-looking kitchen, where a 
 blazing, fire, lighting up all the etceteras of that most 
 comfortable apartment, vividly suggested to us the kindred 
 ideas of supper, warmth, and accommodation, which but a 
 few minutes before had seemed so utterly hopeless and 
 unattainable. The host was in earnest, the hostess active, 
 and the visitors nothing loath to be comforted ; and when, 
 an hour afterwards, I stretched my legs beneath the 
 farmer's mahogany, in his best parlour, and surveyed my- 
 self in a suit of his homely clothing, " a world too wide " 
 for my less robust proportions, I forgot my hounds, I forgot 
 Bill, I forgot Mrs. Nogo, and mixing myself a steaming 
 glass of hot gin-and- water — no bad conclusion to a plentifiil 
 repast of cold boiled beef, hot eggs and bacon, the richest 
 of home-made butter and cheese, and the strongest of 
 home-brewed ale — ^I pledged my jolly host with a lively 
 perception of that merriest of all " symposiums," an 
 accidental jollification — that greatest of all luxuries, rest 
 after labour, ease after anxiety, internal warmth after 
 external cold — in fine, pleasure after pain. 
 
 As for the Doctor, to use a common but forcible ex- 
 pression, there was " no holding him." Enveloped — ^I 
 may say lost — ^in the farmer's clothing, nothing much more 
 ridiculous can be conceived than the little man, holding his 
 half-emptied tumbler to his eye, and pledging his delighted 
 host with an enthusiasm hardly warranted even by such an 
 occasion as the present. Caesar after Actium, Napoleon 
 after Austerlitz, Wellington after Waterloo, were but faint 
 examples to typify that hero which the Doctor felt himself 
 in his own person. What was it to him that the harriers 
 were probably lost? that Bill was undoubtedly, at that 
 moment, bivouacking with a tired horse on the open moor ? 
 that he himself would unquestionably be crippled for a fort- 
 night by his day's work, and, in all likelihood, rheumatic 
 for life, fi:om his evening's immersion ? What was that ? 
 Had he not gone a run ? Had he not ridden, to his own 
 satisfaction, in what would hereafter take its place in the 
 
i286 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 annals of the country as " Squire Nogo's day with a wild 
 fox? " Had he not jumped a veritable hunter over a real 
 stone wall ? and was he not sitting in a strange farmhouse, 
 the actual impersonation of one of Aiken's successful 
 sportsmen, who, having tired his horse and worn out his 
 clothes, is dependent for shelter and costume upon the first 
 stranger that may take pity on his forlorn condition ? 
 All this the Doctor felt ; and, to give him his due, he acted 
 the character well. As the gin-bottle waned, and fresh 
 kettles of hot water steamed upon the hob, so did the still- 
 commencing relation of the medico's exploits trench more 
 and more upon the marvellous — ^border more and more on 
 the sublime. With a vividness of description, not to be 
 brought out by any liquid save " hot vrith," brewed by the 
 orator to his own peculiar fancy, he recounted his ad- 
 ventures and his success. How he had mastered the grey 
 horse — " a hunter that nothing but a workman could 
 ride ! " how he had viewed the hounds away, and told 
 " Bill " he was sure " it was to be a run ; " how he had led 
 the field over the five-foot wall ! and distinguished himself 
 when even Mr. Nogo's horse was beat ! how he had pre- 
 served his presence of mind when on the point of destruc- 
 tion in " the river at the back of the house, sir ; " and how 
 nothing but his extraordinary proficiency in swimming 
 " had preserved him from an untimely death " — all this he 
 told again, with a delight that, much as it amused oui 
 open-mouthed host, it was impossible for him not to share; 
 and when, towards eight o'clock at night, "Bill" made 
 his appearance with the lost hounds and the head and 
 brush of the game fox, that they had gallantly accounted 
 for some twenty minutes after we had declined the chase, 
 and that they had eaten in the dark, with no other witness 
 than my undeniable young whipper-in, whose presence at the 
 finish seemed little short of miraculous, the Doctor, whose 
 triumph wanted but this culminating finale, embraced us 
 all round, with tears in his eyes, and, falling prostrate on 
 the ground, was carried off to his dormitory, a Baccha- 
 nalian Nimrod, feebly struggling with his potations, and to 
 the last endeavouring to describe to us how well he had 
 been going all day, and the exact method in which Blue- 
 skin had jumped the wall, &c. 
 
TILBXJBY NOGO 287 
 
 Luckily for my hounds, Bill, though not knowing the 
 least where he was, had hit upon a cart-track, which, 
 after many circumvolutions, at last led him through the 
 darkness to the very farmhouse we were occupying; and 
 by ten o'clock men, hounds, and horses, snug and warm 
 for the night, were enjoying that repose which an un- 
 usually severe day renders so gratefal to man and beast. 
 The last toast proposed by our hospitable entertainer, after 
 we had disposed of the Doctor, was, " Success to fox- 
 hunting ! " and I sought my welcome couch with the 
 stentorian refrain of his jolly song, " Tally-ho the hounds, 
 sir ! " ringing in my ears. Nor was it without many a 
 kind invitation to return, and many a hearty good wish, 
 that he allowed us to commence our homeward journey on 
 the morrow, jaded, stiff, and weary, but triumphant not- 
 withstanding ; though I am boimd to confess that the 
 Doctor had a splitting headache, and I myself was not 
 without misgivings as to the sort of reception which, after 
 " being absent without leave all night," I should expe- 
 rience from Mrs. Nogo. 
 
CHAPTEE XXVI 
 
 They reached the hotel ; forth streamed from the front door 
 
 A tide of well-clad waiters and around 
 
 The mob stood. Bon Juan. 
 
 And laughed and blushed, and oft did say 
 
 Her pretty oath by yea and nay 
 
 She could not, would not, durst not play. 
 
 At length, upon the harp, with glee, 
 
 Mingled with arch simplicity, 
 
 A soft, yet lively air she rung. 
 
 While thus the wily lady sung. 
 
 Marmion. 
 
 I KNEW how it woidd be. " Such conduct," as Mrs. Nogo 
 remarked, " must never be repeated. Was it to be borne 
 that, not satisfied with neglecting her by day, in the pur- 
 suit of those field sports which rendered me so fatigued in 
 the evening that a hog would have been a livelier, and less 
 snoring companion for the drawing-room — not content with 
 lavishing my energies, and wasting my substance in these 
 ridiculous attempts at achieving fame as a sportsman — 
 attempts which met vyith iavariable failure and derision, I 
 should likewise make a practice of leaving my home at 
 daybreak, and regardless of the terror I inflicted on the 
 weak nerves of my delicate spouse, spend the night in 
 carousing with boon companions at some disreputable 
 farmer's, and return the following day glorying in, rather 
 than ashamed of, such an utter subversion of all marital 
 duties, and domestic subordination ? " 
 
 Such is an abbreviated summary of the lecture which 
 Mrs. Nogo thought proper to inflict as a slight castigation 
 for my misdemeanours, on the eventful day that witnessed 
 the triumph of my gallant little pack, and the first and last 
 appearance of enthusiastic Doctor Dott in the hunting-field, 
 
TILBUBY NOOO 289 
 
 But alas ! this was not all. So good an opportunity of at 
 once assuming the reins of government was not lost on the 
 female diplomatist at the head of the home department. 
 The agitation of mind endured for my sake (how could I 
 resist such an argvmentum ad hominem ?) very naturally 
 brought on one of those organic affections of the nerves, 
 which, I need not call on the heads of families to bear me 
 witness, so mysteriously baffle constitutional vigour and 
 professional skill. Little Doctor Dott shook his head as 
 though conscious that he, too, was in the scrape ; while 
 he avowed his utter inability to minister relief to this 
 inexplicable affliction. Aware that he had participated in 
 its origin, he felt so uneasy in the immediate presence of 
 the sufferer, that he implored me to allow him to curtail 
 his visit, and return forthwith to the bosom of his family, 
 and that London practice, which he always thought it 
 necessary to extol as " equal to that of the late Sir Henry 
 Halford — a weight of responsibility, Mr. Nogo, that few 
 shoulders could bear." 
 
 " But at least," said I, "before you go, Doctor, set my 
 mind at ease by recommending some beneficial treatment 
 for Mrs. Nogo, as I am exceedingly anxious about her state 
 of health." 
 
 " Not the slightest cause for alarm, my dear sir," was 
 the reply. " Between ourselves, in professional confidence, 
 Mrs. Nogo is as well as you or I; but — " (and here the 
 Doctor laid his finger to his nose, and looked unutterable 
 things) " your good lady will never get better here. She 
 has taken a dislike to the place, sir ; and consequently it 
 disagrees with her. Take her away, Mr. Nogo ; take her 
 to Leamington, Cheltenham, Malvern, Bath — anywhere 
 you think you can command a certain amount of gaiety 
 and amusement, and I am prepared to stake my reputation 
 as a physician, that she is quite recovered in a fortnight." 
 
 Such was the farewell advice of my kind-hearted friend, 
 as I packed him up in the dog-cart on his return to the 
 metropolis ; and when I thought it over in my own mind, 
 and found with what avidity the idea was seized upon by 
 my wife, I resolved — though sorely against my inclination — 
 upon quitting Wild- wood, selling the harriers, breaking up 
 the establishment, and leaving the farm to take care of 
 
 20 
 
290 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 itself — a metliod that, at least, could not pay worse than 
 the present one. No sooner had this course been decided 
 on, than I had reason to admire Doctor Dott's profes- 
 sional foresight, in the immediate improvement which 
 took place in my wife's health ; and by the time our 
 arrangements for departure were concluded, and Bath — 
 that city of precipices — fixed upon as our temporary 
 residence, she was so well, that for the life of me I could 
 not perceive any reason why we should go away at all. 
 However, it was too late to repent. The farmhouse was 
 shut up, the furniture put away and covered, the stables 
 deserted and desolate, with here and there a melancholy 
 pitchfork propping the open door of some comfortless loose- 
 box — for I had sent on the three horses I determined to 
 keep, that I might get a little hunting during my banish- 
 ment. The kennels were cleaned and emptied ; the very 
 garden looked like a wilderness ; and as the woman " left 
 in possession," with soapy arms, and coarse apron curiously 
 folded round her skirt, made her farewell curtsey, and shut 
 the fi:ont-door upon our departing carriage, I threw myself 
 into the comer of the vehicle, and for the first time in my 
 life felt very much disposed to quarrel with Mrs. Nogo, 
 for the unfeeling state of high spirits in which she left her 
 home. 
 
 What a contrast was it, after a few hours of travelling, 
 to rattle up to the door of the White Eose Hotel, where we 
 had determined to take up our abode until we could procure 
 a suitable residence in the valetudinarian city of Bath ! 
 How the post-boy, conscious of the dignity which in these 
 railroad days is attached to a real travelling-carriage and 
 appendages, boiled up his merriest canter, to stop dead- 
 short with a jerk that nearly sent my nose through the 
 fi-ont - window ! How the inagnificent proportions of 
 "James" and his cauliflower head struck dumb the 
 throng of idlers, who are always ready to witness the 
 descent of a private individual fi:om his carriage ! How 
 the landlord attended Mrs. Nogo into his house, with a 
 deference usually reserved for princesses of the blood; 
 while the head-waiter — a privileged and plethoric indi- 
 vidual in black-silk shorts and gold knee-buckles — asked 
 after my brother-in-law, Mr. Topthorne, and " hoped I 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 291 
 
 had enjoyed good sport with my 'ounds ! " How the 
 ostlers and attendants without, and the chamhermaid and 
 boots within, all seemed to know me personally as a friend, 
 and to revere me immeasurably as a superior ; and how I 
 hugged myself in the conviction that,, although I might 
 have driven up to the door of the Clarendon, nor found 
 that the name of Nogo commanded attention from one 
 regardless functionary of that metropolitan establishment, 
 yet my arrival at the "White Eose Hotel," Bath, was 
 heralded with all the honours, and attended with all the 
 distinctions due to a visitor whose stay was likely to he 
 prolonged to an indefinite length, and whose bill would 
 bear due proportion, multiplying its items and increasing 
 in its volume, as the termination of his sojourn was further 
 and farther postponed ! 
 
 " The bill of fare, sir — this morning's paper, list of 
 visitors in Bath — and card of appointments of the 
 hounds ! " wheezed the fat waiter, as he entered our 
 sitting-room vnth all these important documents in his 
 hands. 
 
 "Like to see your apartments, ma'am?" added an 
 elderly and smartly-dressed female, who had evidently made 
 a capital race with the waiter upstairs, and only been 
 beaten on the post. 
 
 " I trust you will find the suite of rooms I have prepared 
 comfortable," continued the landlord, as, following on the 
 heels of his myrmidons, he conducted us through a 
 labyrinth of passages, and across spacious and stately 
 halls, to the comfortable dormitories prepared for our 
 reception. 
 
 And here I leave Mrs. Nogo, in her glory, to arrange 
 with James about bringing up cap-boxes, parcels, and 
 imperials, and, with her own Abigail and all the chamber- 
 maids, to discuss warming, airing, and unpacking, whilst I 
 flee from the inextricable confusion to consult vdth my first 
 friend, the fat waiter, as to ordering dinner, and afterwards 
 to refresh my agitated mind with a stroll through the tovm. 
 
 " There is no solitude like solitude in a crowd ; " but at 
 the same time, few things are more amusing than to find 
 oneself suddenly dropped among a set of people, to all of 
 whom one is unknown, and to be able as an unobserved 
 
292 TILBUET NOOO 
 
 observer to watch the habits, and study the peculiarities 
 of these unconscious fellow-creatures. I knew nobody in 
 Bath, and nobody knew me ; and as I turned down 
 Milsom-street, at that hour in the afternoon the fashionable 
 resort of all the distinguished individuals whose names I had 
 perused in the Visitors' List at the " White Kose," I felt 
 the same sort of interest in remarking on the customs and 
 manners of the aborigines, as if I had been a visitor in Paris, 
 a stranger in St. Petersburgh, a wayfarer in Warsaw, or a 
 missionary swaggering down the principal promenade of 
 that enlightened capital which rejoices in the residence of 
 His Majesty the King of Congo. Nor was I destined to 
 remain long without exercise of my perceptive faculties. 
 Groups of "fashionables" thronged the street on either 
 side, and, like the figures in a spectacle " got up regardless 
 of expense " by the spirited lessee of a minor theatre, I 
 remarked that those who challenged my admiration as they 
 sauntered down the street on this side, failed not in due 
 rotation to reappear, slowly toiling up the steep ascent of 
 the opposite pavement, again to pass before my eyes, now 
 beginning to recognise their respective toilettes on their 
 downward career, and so on ad injinitvm, in what could 
 not but appear to me a circular course of labour in vain. 
 
 Ere I had been thus occupied for half an hour, I began 
 to make acquaintance with the forms and features of the 
 well-dressed individuals thus continually passing in review 
 before me, and to speculate on the different characters and 
 pursuits of these indefatigable promenaders. Here I 
 beheld, with an admiration not wholly unmingled with awe, 
 the passSe beauty, for whose failing charms, alas ! even the 
 healing waters of King Bladud, recommended in sheer 
 despair by the " family physician," must prove a hopeless 
 remedy. In vain to o'erlay that parchment skin with 
 paint, and plaster it with cosmetics ; in vain to conceal 
 that grizzled " crop " beneath those dark flowing ringlets, 
 shorn from some guilty head, whose very beauty, perhaps, 
 was the primary cause of the female convict's disgi-ace and 
 punishment; as she minces down Milsom-street, in shoes a 
 "world too tight " for those lame and swollen feet, not all 
 the charms of " manner," not all the hypocrisy of " dress," 
 can conceal the unwelcome fact that the toast of long- 
 
TILBUBT NOao 293 
 
 forgotten revellers, the " flower " of days gone by, has 
 shrivelled into an ugly old woman at last ; but see with 
 tottering step and bow of the old school (alas that its flexi- 
 bility should be so damaged by chronic rheumatism !) a 
 contemporary Damon staggers up to this antiquated Phyllis, 
 and in croaking tones they exchange greetings and inquiries, 
 mutual compliments, and welcome bits of scandal, with an 
 eagerness and a concern which prove how anxious they still 
 are to retain their slippery foot-hold in society— how they 
 are still gasping and struggling to stem " the tide, nor 
 leave the world which leaveth them." And now a fine old . 
 admiral, frank of countenance and bluff of bearing, but * 
 whose limbs, alas! "the bullets and the gout" have 
 rendered incapable of supporting his jolly frame, is wheeled 
 up in an invalid's chair, which, much to the danger of the 
 toes of an inattentive public, he persists in steering himself, 
 and joins these faded fashionables, to whom he forms a 
 pleasing and instructive contrast. The living stream thus 
 stemmed for an instant, rapidly accumulates its volume of 
 idlers, and ere long the pavement is blocked up by the 
 gossiping throng. A tall, handsome girl, with bright sunny 
 ringlets (such an one — so thinks ancient Phyllis — as she her- 
 self was not 80 very long ago !), chaperoned by a stout lady, 
 who is doubtless the mamma, forms an additional attraction 
 to the group, and accounts by her presence for the number 
 of young gentlemen who swell the conclave, and offer to 
 the curious in costume an interesting study indeed. 
 Various are their garments ; and of a cut and texture 
 seldom seen, save amongst their own immediate set. But 
 the prevailing taste appears to be a habit in which the 
 wearer, without the slightest inconvenience to himself, is 
 prepared to jump into the saddle, and ride to London at a 
 moment's notice. The noble animal, the horse, furnishes 
 with his accoutrements the favourite ornaments of these his 
 adorers. As the ladies of ancient Eome caused their jewels 
 to be shaped into such talismanic forms as were best 
 appreciated by those virtuous matrons, so does young 
 England, in its outward adornment, affect an equine style 
 of decoration, which shall argue a corresponding taste 
 vdthin ; and whilst a turquoise horseshoe fastens the folds 
 of a cambric bosom, picked out with Derby winners, the 
 
294 TILBURY NOGO 
 
 snaffle connects his button-holes, the curb-chain secures his 
 watch, and the top of his walking-stick is dignified with a 
 representation (wrought in the precious metal) of that 
 quadruped to whom certain cynics will opine the owner is 
 but a first cousin once removed. 
 
 What a relief to discover the honest, handsome counte- 
 nance, to recognise the manly simplicity of dress which 
 distinguishes my friend Joe Bagshot, amongst this bevy of 
 second-rate dandies ! His greeting is kind and cordial, as 
 usual ; he links his arm within mine, and soon in our 
 multitude of confidences and inquiries we forget faded 
 belles, superannuated bucks, mutilated warriors, juvenile 
 tigers, Milsom-street, Bath, and all but our own concerns 
 and our own proceedings. 
 
 " Kate will be so glad to hear you have arrived ! " says 
 my friend; "come to us to-morrow evening at half-past 
 eight. She has a sort of quiet ' at-home ' in our small 
 house. I cannot ask you to dinner, old fellow, for our cook 
 gave up her place yesterday, because Kate objected to her 
 wearing her hair in long ringlets : only don't say I told you 
 BO ; but drop in to-morrow night, any time before twelve, 
 and bring Mrs. Nogo with you." 
 
 And with these words — it being now lamplight — my 
 friend took leave of me on the steps of the " White Eose," 
 and betook himself to his own home, and the society of 
 his wife, who, I could not help suspecting, was a helpmate 
 by no means adapted for my frank-hearted old school- 
 fellow. 
 
 The whole of the ensuing day we spent in what Mrs. 
 Nogo terms " settling " — a mysterious evolution, of which 
 it is difficult to describe the nature or the details. My 
 own share of the performances was limited to an inspection 
 of my stud, who had arrived the day before by the road, 
 under the immediate custody of BiU, and had performed 
 their journey with the usual loss of condition and filling of 
 legs, inseparable from a cavalry movement. Whilst I was 
 feeling sinews and spanning joints, terribly swelled by that 
 unnecessary punishment the animal inflicts on his own 
 person, in what grooms term " hitting hisself," I had to 
 listen to a tissue of complaints from my master-of-the-horse, 
 as to the accommodation provided for himself and his charge. 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 295 
 
 Of course the water was hard, the oats kiln-dried, the hay 
 musty, the stahle too low, ill-ventilated yet full of draughts, 
 and " no servant in Bath could keep a horse's coat down 
 in such a dog-kennel as this here." Then his own 
 dormitory let in the rain, and did not keep out the cold, 
 and " was not fit for a pig, let alone a Christian, to sleep 
 in ; " and it was not without the exercise of a good deal of 
 patience, and the making of sundry promises of an allevia- 
 ting tendency, that I effected an escape from my grumbling 
 whipper-in. 
 
 A solitaiy waJk to Lansdowne, for the sake of the fresh 
 air, of which I obtained a sufficient quantum for the north- 
 east, made me vote Bath the coldest place in England, and 
 served to while away the afternoon till dinner-time, before 
 which I had received a gentle hint from Mrs. Nogo, it 
 would be unnecessary for me to present myself, as I should 
 only be "in the way," and interfere with the essential 
 ceremony of " settling," which could not be concluded till 
 that hour. 
 
 I have already confessed in these pages that I am an 
 indolent man: shall I expose myself to the reader's 
 contempt by likewise allowing that, without being exactly 
 an " epicure," I am capable of appreciating and enjoying 
 the good things of this world, when brought to perfection 
 by a skilful practitioner in the art of cookery ? 
 
 "I understand, Mr. Gibbon," said his anxious hostess 
 to the illustrious historian, " that you are a great 
 gowrmand? " 
 
 " Pardon me, madam — ^I am only a great glutton ! " was 
 the discerning reply of him whose pen has rescued from 
 oblivion the costly dishes of a Domitian, the luxurious 
 banquets of a Nero. 
 
 But without going quite so far as the candid confession 
 of Mr. Gibbon, I am willing to concede that there are few 
 corporeal enjoyments in this world superior to that of a good 
 dinner, followed by a bottle of good wine, and all this 
 properly consumed in agreeable society, and, if in winter, 
 by a cheerful fire ; but a sme qud non to the whole comfort 
 of such an arrangement is, that digestion, which avowedly 
 goes on best in a state of perfect repose, should not be 
 interfered with by any labour or exertion whatever, whether 
 
296 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 of body or mind, and that the active duties of the day 
 having been disposed of, the patient should be allowed to 
 remain a certain number of hours undisturbed in his easy- 
 chair, and only exchange that recumbent attitude for the 
 more complete repose of his welcome couch. With these 
 feelings, and these inclinations, can anything have been 
 more disagreeable to me than the necessity of performing 
 the duties of the toilette after dinner ? To wash the post- 
 prandial face in cold water — to imprison in starch and 
 patent leather the well-fed frame, to whose swelling pro- 
 portions a dressing-gown and slippers would be the most 
 acceptable and appropriate costume — ^to exchange the cosy 
 fireside, and the embraces of a roomy arm-chair, for the 
 cold interior of a damp fly, and standing-room amongst a 
 crowd of people whom one don't know — and above all, to 
 do this without the satisfaction of growling, and with a 
 smiling face, as though it were one of the greatest pleasures 
 of life to be thoroughly uncomfortable : if this is not 
 domestic martyrdom, I should like to have a satisfactory 
 definition of that very general infliction. 
 
 But, luckily, Bagshot's temporary home is but a few 
 streets from the "White Eose;" and ere the jingling 
 wretched fly had discomposed the muslin folds of Mrs. 
 Nogo's well-chosen toilette, or shaken out one ringlet of her 
 rich soft hair — and truth to say, I am somewhat proud of 
 Mrs. N.'s taste in dress, and her magnificent "chevelure,-" 
 in fact, I cannot conceal from myself the fact, which I think 
 she has not yet discovered, that she looks " best of an 
 evening" — ^we arrive at the place of our destination, and 
 are admitted by a sober clerical-looking personage in black, 
 hired for the occasion, who consigns us to the care of a 
 pretty waiting-maid, in a wondrously-becoming cap, by 
 whose dexterous assistance Mrs. Nogo is relieved of her 
 ermine cloak and coverings, whilst I tie up travelling-cap 
 and overcoat into a shapeless mass, and consign them to a 
 heap of similar entanglements, with small hopes of ever 
 seeing my property again. The house is small, though 
 commodious ; and ere I have settled myself well into my 
 neckcloth, and got a tight kid glove partly on my left hand, 
 I find myself following my better-half into Mrs. Bagshot's 
 pretty little drawing-room, and, as I shake hands with my 
 
TILBUBT NO&O 297 
 
 smiling hostess admiring for the hundredth time the name- 
 less fascination of her manner, and the admirable taste of 
 her " get-Tip." 
 
 I confess myself to be a shy man — one of those unhappy 
 individuals who, with a constant hankering after the 
 pleasures of society, suffer torments only known to the 
 dif&dent, under the gaze of their fellow-creatures, and 
 dissemble with Spartan fortitude the pain inflicted on them 
 by the casual observations which well-meaning neighbours 
 address to those who are so obviously ill-at-ease with them- 
 selves. At a London party an immediate refuge presents 
 itself in the vortex of the crowd, who, jammed together in 
 a half-suffocated mass, neither know nor care for any other 
 consideration than the facility of obtaining "the carriage," 
 in order to go through the same martyrdom elsewhere. 
 But here, in Bath, no such protection was afforded by the 
 contracted circle that comprised the ilite of that city ; and 
 small as was Mrs. Bagshot's drawing-room, it was not half 
 full. Mrs. Nogo, who suffered as little from bashfulness as 
 any other lady of a certain age (and it is curious to observe 
 at how early a period the fair sex outgrow this weakness) , 
 was soon comfortably established as the centre of a small 
 group of admirers — evidently old acquaintances ; and 
 chiefly of high military and naval rank, as indeed, from the 
 obvious length of their services, they deserved to be. My 
 friend Joe was busy making the agreeable to an elderly 
 lady, adorned with a curious superstructure on her head, 
 who, I concluded, was either his aunt, or an intimate friend 
 of that important relative ; and I had ample leisure, as I 
 sipped the cup of weak tea offered me by the temporary 
 butler — whose countenance I have since recognised at all 
 the entertainments I have attended in Bath — to take a 
 good look at the different individuals thought worthy to 
 compise one of pretty Mrs. Bagshot's " at homes." It 
 speaks volumes for the tact and cleverness of the ci-devant 
 " Kate Cotherstone," that short as had been her residence 
 in this exclusive city, she had contrived to render her abode 
 the resort of all who considered themselves " the best 
 people " in its varied society ; and an admission to one of 
 her parties gave the fortunate visitor an immediate footing 
 amongst the local fashionables whom I now had an oppor- 
 
298 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 tunity of studying in their natural element. The mass 
 appeared chiefly to consist of persons — both ladies and 
 gentlemen — considerably past the middle period of life, 
 and with few exceptions, suffering from some bodily 
 infirmity, the concealment of which afforded them a never- 
 failing occupation. The gradations of rank, too, seemed to 
 be known and observed with a degree of exactitude totally 
 unprecedented in my previous experience of the law of 
 precedence ; although Burke or De Brett would hardly 
 have recognised the claim to distinction put forward by the 
 wife of a captain on half-pay, or the widow of a minor- 
 canon. There were, however, two grand exceptions to the 
 general run of commoners constituting this assemblage, in 
 the persons of a dowager viscountess, and an earl's younger 
 son ; and the deference with which poor old deaf Lady 
 Ricketts was listened to, and the Honourable Lionel 
 Legerdemain toadied, were instructive proofs of the respect 
 in which England still holds the illustrious ornaments of 
 her aristocracy. The sufferings of poor Lady Eicketts 
 from intermittent paralysis prevented her being anything 
 more than a passive recipient of the general homage she 
 commanded ; but Mr. Legerdemain's popularity did him, 
 indeed, the greatest credit, inasmuch as there must have 
 been some admirable though hidden virtues concealed 
 beneath so unprepossessing an exterior, to render that 
 short, thin, dirty, and vulgar-looking man the centre of an 
 admiring crowd. Badly dressed, not half washed, and 
 more than half drunk, he was relating to a listening circle 
 that day's run with the stag-hounds; the chief merit of the 
 performance being the fact that he had ridden nearly a 
 hundred miles on the road, exclusive of hunting, since 
 breakfast — and this feat, perhaps, in a measure accounted 
 for his seedy appearance. 
 
 " 'Main, my boy ! " said a good-looking, fresh-coloured 
 young gentleman, who seemed to derive much reflected 
 honour from the familiar abbreviative, — " 'Main, my fine 
 fellow ! what did you do to-day with The Buck? " 
 
 " Ean ten minutes, and broke my horse's back," replies 
 'Main, who is evidently a man of few words. 
 
 "I'll mount you to-morrow with the Duke," good- 
 naturedly suggests the pitying inquirer, who is basking 
 
TILBVBY NOGO 299 
 
 in that time of life when the loss of a horse is the greatest 
 conceivable affliction. 
 
 " Wouldn't give a thank-you for fox-hunting ! " is the 
 somewhat uncourteous reply, which, however, elicits a burst 
 of applause from the attendant circle ; and the young one, 
 rather disconcerted, walks off to pay his court to Mrs. 
 Bagshot, whilst 'Maia confidentially whispers to a red- 
 faced Irishman, with whom he seems most intimate, that 
 "he shall go and smoke a weed at Joe's, and try for a 
 drain, as this thing's mortal slow," and the honourable 
 himself " curious thirsty." The baffled young gentleman 
 who rejoices in the high-sounding apellation of Constantino, 
 joined to the less ambitious patronymic of Slopes, is rather a 
 favourite amongst the Bath ladies, being tolerably well-off, 
 always exceedingly correct in dress, of fresh colour and 
 curly hair, with a guileless expression of countenance, 
 reminding one irresistibly of a sheep, and is extremely 
 well received as he edges his way amongst sofas and 
 ottomans to Mrs. Bagshot's side. Oh ! Kate ! Kate ! — 
 still as great a flirt as ever! Even in the absence of 
 higher game, to think it worth your while to waste your 
 artillery upon this harmless boy ! Ere he has exchanged 
 three words with you, I can see by the nervous manner in 
 which he shrinks from your eye, by the pinker colour that 
 mounts to his chubby, unwhiskered cheek, as your thrilling 
 tones fall upon his ear, that Constantino Slopes is a " gone 
 'coon ! " The old story, Kate — ^you ought to be ashamed 
 of yourself ! " Sport to you, but death to him ! " Mr. 
 Slopes, probably for want of anything better to say, 
 hazards a stammering request that "Mrs. Bagshot will 
 give us a little music ; " and the clergyman's lady, calm, 
 radiant, and collected, sits down to the piano-forte, pro- 
 tected iu flanks and rear by two post-captains and a 
 Commander-of-the-Bath, vis-dr-vis to a general officer with 
 one leg, whose infirmity obliges him to remain seated, and 
 assisted by Mr. Constantino Slopes, who hangs over the 
 fair performer, and turns the leaves of her music-book, with 
 an erwpressement that forcibly reminds me of days not long 
 gone by, when I was as great a fool, as infatuated a victim, 
 as that simple young man. Who shall account for the 
 fascination exercised by some women upon all who approach 
 
300 TILBTJBY NOQO 
 
 their sphere? The peculiar power of the rattlesnake, whose 
 eye is said t6 lure the conscious victim unresistingly to its 
 doom, and the attractive properties possessed hy certain 
 ladies, and by them used with equal recklessness and 
 cruelty, are two arrangements of Nature which make me 
 a believer in " Mesmerism ; " and I am convinced that 
 Mrs. Bagshot possessed fully more than her share of the 
 magnetic iafluence. What else could it have been that, ere 
 she had run her fingers over the keys with her own peculiar 
 touch, half through one of those complicated preludes she 
 executed so brilliantly, drew me irresistibly towards the 
 piano-forte from the other end of the ropm, and' brought 
 me, open-mouthed, to gaze and listen speU-bound by the 
 enchantress, forgetful of the presence of my own legitimate 
 Mrs. Nogo, the proximity of Joe — who, by the way, hated 
 music — and all, but those sounds which bore me back upon 
 the wings of harmony to the shades of Windsor, the green 
 alleys of Virginia water, the villa at Ascot, and the dreamy 
 follies of the past ? 
 
 Then, as if the music, accompanied by the half-reproach- 
 ful glances shot at me from beneath those long eyelashes, 
 was not enough, Kate must needs complete the charm — 
 thereto, I acknowledge, incited by the supplication of Mr. 
 Constantine Slopes — by warbUng forth one of those plaintive 
 ditties which people who are not "by way of" singing, 
 sometimes execute so beautifully and so touchingly. With 
 just enough accompaniment to melt the tones gradually 
 away ; with just enough expression not to mar the plaintive 
 simplicity of the sentiment : and with looks of pitiful 
 tenderness that might have thawed St. Anthony into a 
 sighing Strephon, and that did make me very uncomfort- 
 able, and caused young Constantine Slopes to shake like an 
 aspen-leaf, she drew from the responsive chords a soul- 
 stirriag harmony as she poured forth her plaintive wail 
 for 
 
 "THE DAYS WHEN WE MET. 
 
 " There is mirtli in the sunshine, there's peace in the shade, 
 There's the fragrance of June on the flower ; 
 There is love in the whisper that steals through the glade — 
 But the sunshine may pale, and the roses may fade, 
 
 And the skies may be dark in an hour ; 
 And the heart may grow weary — the brain may forget — 
 And the loved one be changed since the days when we met. 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 301 
 
 " There is morning to hope for, when darkness is past ; 
 There's a dawn that shall smile into day ; 
 Though the winter be chill, and unsparing the blast, 
 Yet the flow'ret shall bloom in its spring-time at last, 
 
 And the bird carol forth from the spray. 
 But the heart hath no morrow, when its sunlight is set, 
 And its music is hushed since the days when we met. 
 
 " Will you seek for a blossom when the tree is laid low ? 
 
 Will you look to find life in decay? 
 Is there joy in despair ? is there laughter in woe ? 
 Can you ask me to smile through the tear-drops that flow 
 
 For the hopes which have faded away ? 
 No 1 the cheek shall be pale, and the eyelash be wet. 
 While I mourn all alone for the days when we met." 
 
 Amidst the applause that succeeded to the " voice of the 
 charmer," I caught a glance from Mrs. Nogo which some- 
 what moderated the fervour of my approval, and a peremp- 
 tory order to " see about the carriage ! " sent me into the 
 dark street to grope up and down for the fly which had 
 brought us, and which, according to agreement, was to be 
 ready to take us back. The interval having been whiled 
 away by the driver in the consumption of exciseable com- 
 modities, we were not long on our homeward journey, and 
 were soon arranged for the night in our comfortable dormitory 
 at the " White Eose." 
 
 Shall I confess that as I laid my head on the connubial 
 pillow, the still-present " refrain " of " The Days when we 
 Met " was yet ringing in my ears, undrowned by the confi- 
 dential discussion that took place, ere I was suffered to 
 taste repose, relative to the merits and foibles of my old 
 friend Mrs. Bagshot. 
 
CHAPTER XXVn 
 
 "Iiet me not live," qnoth he, 
 
 " After my fame lacks oil, to be the snuff 
 
 Of younger spirits, whose apprehensive senses 
 
 All but new things disclaim, whose judgments are 
 
 Mere fathers of their garments." 
 
 AlVt Well that Ends Well. 
 
 Farewell 1 with him alone may rest the pain. 
 If such there were — ^with you, the moral of his strain. 
 
 Ghilde Harold. 
 
 Life is a strange medley. As I sit here in lonely grandeur, 
 the sole inhabitant of that great desert which constitutes 
 the principal dining-room of " The Munchausen Club," I 
 can scarce believe that the middle-aged member, whose 
 bristling whiskers and incipient crow's feet I can too 
 plainly discern in yonder unflattering mirror, is the same 
 Tilbury Nogo who, but a few short years before, bounded 
 up the steps of this exclusive caravanserai with all the 
 buoyant elasticity of youth, and swaggered through its 
 halls, in the pleasing consciousness that "the world was 
 all before him, where to choose." The very waiter seems to 
 glance incredulously at the country-made boots and ill- 
 fitting attire of a gentleman whom, it argues now no vanity 
 to say, he remembers once the most particular in his 
 chausswre — the most scrupulously correct in his attire. 
 Well may he look as much astonished as a waiter is capable 
 of looking — for these functionaries, like the chairs and tables 
 with which they are chiefly associated, never grow old. 
 For them the spring-tide and winter of life are not. Who 
 ever recollects to . have seen a waiter either in the bloom 
 of youth or the decrepitude of old age? If he should 
 be short-winded and gouty, your father remembers him 
 
TILBURY NO&O 803 
 
 afflicted with these inconveniences when he himself was 
 a young man. If he is light, wiry, and active — light, 
 wiry, and active he will remain, when you are tottering 
 upon crutches, or writhing on a water-bed. Leave England, 
 to seek your fortune at the antipodes ; pursue your search 
 after the fleeting jade from pole to pole ; and when half a 
 lifetime has elapsed, return to London, bankrupt at least 
 in health and constitution, and so altered as not to be 
 recognised by the very cousin with whom you have been 
 brought up from a boy, walk into that club in which the 
 wholesome rule, that " members abroad are not liable for 
 their yearly subscriptions," has induced you to keep your 
 name, and the same waiter, apparently in the same attire, 
 offers you the evening paper, with the same flourish that 
 used to call a smile to your countenance twenty years ago ; 
 and for a moment the magic of association makes you feel 
 as young as that evergreen attendant. Look at him : he 
 is neither bent nor wasted, neither wrinkled nor grey ; he 
 always looked like a waiter, and he looks just as like a 
 waiter now as he did before you went abroad. What is his 
 secret ? and can he be induced to part with it for love or 
 money ? Perhaps he has no family cares — ^Ah ! the daily 
 epistle from Mrs. Nogo, which the rogue presents on a 
 Sliver salver, with a careless air that is enviable to a 
 degree. 
 
 "Waiter, bring me a large glass of sherry and a biscuit." 
 " Glass of sherry, sir — ^yes, sir. Biscuit, sir — ^yes, sir." 
 And now to see what information my news-loving lady 
 can give me from Bath, where we still hold our head- 
 quarters, and are considered, I rather flatter myself, what 
 the purser's wife in " Peter Simple " calls the " Smiths, of 
 London " — " quite the topping people of the place." She 
 still crosses her letters word for word, and line for line ; 
 and her hand, though faint and ladylike in appearance, gets 
 more illegible every day. I wonder if I shall have to come 
 to glasses at last ! however, with the assistance of alternate 
 sips at the goblet of sherry, I manage to decipher- the 
 contents, which a respect for the confidence of conjugal 
 correspondence prevents me giving verbatim, but by which 
 I am glad to learn that " the cockatoo and the white mice 
 are well, though the bullfinch has broken his leg ! " (The 
 
304 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 reader will infer, from the importance of these pets, that my 
 establishment is unblessed with a nursery.) " The mastiff 
 puppy, as yet nameless, has been lost, and recovered at 
 an enormous sacrifice; and Toko — a long- eared, useless 
 spaniel — has been bitten by the butcher's dog. My own 
 two hunters have the influenza, and one of the carriage- 
 horses is lame " — which bulletin concludes the domestic 
 details of this daily report. The remainder of the epistle, 
 like its predecessors, is full of that ever-increasing intelli- 
 gence which men call news, and gods scandal, and for the 
 growth of which the climate of Bath appears peculiarly 
 favourable. From its perusal I learn that the Honourable 
 Lionel Legerdemain has been concerned in some most 
 equivocal proceedings on the turf, and that it is doubtful 
 whether even his exalted rank will enable him to retain his 
 position in the immaculate society of Bath; that old Admiral 
 Dolphin is paralytic, and poor Lady Eicketts dead; and 
 young Graceless — formerly of the Guards — has behaved 
 shamefully to her niece; that venerable Miss Dido, 
 supposed to be the most inveterate of spinsters, had been 
 seen at ten o'clock at night walking with a man in a cloak, 
 who, Mrs. Nogo's maid thought, was the postmaster at the 
 comer, but whom Mrs. Champfront likewise saw and 
 declares to be Louis Napoleon; that people did more 
 and more extraordinary things every day ; and that she, 
 Mrs. Nogo, did not know what the world would come to at 
 last, etc., etc. The letter concluded with an earnest hope 
 that my business in London would soon be brought to a 
 close, and was further elongated by a postscript, to the 
 effect that " she had just seen young Constantino Slopes 
 driving four-in-hand down Lansdowne-place ; and people 
 received him just the same as ever.; though what had 
 become of that Mrs. Bagshot, she had not an idea — only it 
 would be extremely painfiil confsidering the relationship and 
 all, if accident should ever bring them together." This 
 last piece of intelligence set me ruminating upon the many 
 changes that had taken place since my own marriage — our 
 first establishment at Wild-wood; the exploits of little 
 Doctor Dott with the harriers ; our removal to Bath, and the 
 delightful reunions at Bagshot's house, of which Kate — 
 the now-never-to-be-mentioned Kate — had been the orna- 
 
T^LBUBY NOGO 305 
 
 ment and the charm. Few were the years that had elapsed; 
 and yet how far apart were the different individuals that 
 had constituted those pleasant assemblages ! My own 
 wife a confirmed invalid, never leaving the vicinity of her 
 physician; my brother-in-law Topthorne, who had given 
 up his hounds, relapsing into a sort of yeoman — never 
 seeing a visitor, never associating with his equals, fast 
 losing the manners and habits of a gentleman ; poor 
 Segundo fallen into the hanger-on of a sporting patron, 
 who was himself obliged to reside at Boulogne, and living 
 from hand to mouth in a foreign country — as truth to tell, 
 he was tolerably accustomed to living at home. Jack 
 Eaffleton, my early friend — the wildest of them all in his 
 hot youth — was the only one of the lot whose after-career 
 seemed prosperous and successful. But Jack, in all his 
 escapades, was not only a thorough gentleman himself, but 
 scrupulous only to associate with gentlemen; and this it 
 was which invariably proved a safety-buoy to my volatile 
 companion. Military distinction and a good appointment 
 were doing their best for him in India; and the golden 
 opinions which he gathered ia command seemed equal to 
 the popularity he had formerly enjoyed in a subordinate 
 capacity. There was some comfort in knovidng that Jack 
 was getting on well. But poor Joe Bagshot ! how could I 
 bear to think of him — the merry, kind-hearted, manly, 
 athletic Joe — now living in weary solitude at his vicarage, 
 going through his daily round of parochial duties, in a 
 subdued, broken-hearted frame of mind, for which those 
 duties alone appeared to possess the slightest interest. 
 No more cricket, no more archery, no more joyful gatherings 
 and active sports for that morose and altered man ! They 
 tell me his herculean frame is shrunk and wasted, and that 
 premature old age has furrowed his open brow, and silvered 
 the waving clusters of his nut-brown hair. Since the 
 morning she left him with young Constantino Slopes — and 
 her infatuation for that uninteresting youth is as unaccount- 
 able as the admiration she was capable of inspiring in such 
 a mind as her husband's — Joe had never been seen to 
 smile. A strong moral sense of his duties, and the 
 responsibilities of his calling, prevented my friend from 
 taking such vengeance as human opinion esteems only just 
 
 21 
 
306 TILEUBY NOaO 
 
 for the greatest injury that man can inflict on man ; and 
 those alone can appreciate the struggle it must have cost 
 him to forego the reprisals which society enforces, who 
 know as well as I do his gallant, fearless spirit — his high 
 and sensitive feelings of what the world calls honour. 
 Poor Joe Bagshot ! time will deaden the acuteness of the 
 pang, but time will never be able to restore that image 
 whose place is now desolate in your heart ! the sunshine 
 will never look as bright to you again in this world : but 
 take comfort, old friend ! no one knows better than yourself 
 that the end of all is not here : were it so, yours would 
 indeed be a cheerless lot. Nor are my own reflections on 
 the past untinged by that bitter drop which has turned 
 your cup to gall. Knowing as I did the heartlessness and 
 vanity of Kate Cotherstone's character — having myself so 
 narrowly escaped shipwreck on the Circean rock-^-ought I 
 not to have warned you ere it was too late ? ought I not to 
 have interposed between the moth and the candle— the 
 frank, open-hearted country clergyman, and the wily, 
 finished coquette? She married but to obtain a certain 
 position in society : she left you, without a struggle, the 
 instant a more brilliant career appeared to open itself 
 before her : and I hear the young dandies, as they dawdle 
 in here for their late luncheons, discussing, in their careless, 
 hap-hazard manner, the wit, the tact, the accomplishments, 
 and the beauty of Mrs. Bagshot, as she still dares to call 
 herself; her interesting widowhood (that is now the rofe), 
 her wonderful equestrian skill, her extraordinary taste, and 
 the ftimiture of her house near Chesham-place. 
 
 Oh, sin I oh, soriow 1 and oh, womankind! 
 
 How this taste for moralising grows upon one ! I conclude 
 it is one of the prosy habits which too surely accompany 
 the approach of maturity — that reflective period when man, 
 having arrived at the culminating point of his career, gazes 
 down, as it were from an eminence, on the prospect both 
 before and behind him, but pauses chiefly to admire the 
 landscape which he has already traversed, and prefers to 
 dwell, not without exaggeration, on the past toils and 
 triumphs of the half-completed journey, rather than look 
 forward into the dim uncertainty of the future. 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 807 
 
 As I look back upon the follies and the failures of my 
 irrevocable youth, it seems to me that, were it possible to 
 turn back the wheel — ^had I the privilege of again living 
 over those golden days which shall return no more — in no 
 single instance should I act exactly as I have done ; there 
 has not been one occasion on which I should commit the 
 same absurdities in the same manner. Whether the 
 vagaries of a staid middle-aged gentleman, when sub- 
 mitted to the test of common sense, are less unaccountable 
 than those of impetuous, impulsive boyhood, I leave to the 
 attentive observer of human nature to determine. All I 
 know is, that, like the retrospective octogenarian, who 
 summed up his whole reflections on existence with the 
 conclusion that, " if he had to live his time over again, he 
 would eat more and drink less," I am convinced that, 
 though my follies might be equal in quantity, they would 
 be essentially different in quality ; though the madness 
 were as apparent, the method would be by no means the 
 same. 
 
 Like many a wiser and better man, I have been the 
 victim of an unworthy ambition — ^not the noble infirmity 
 which urges the aspirer to be great — not the heaven-bom 
 sentiment which impels him to be good; but the paltry and 
 unmanly thirst for frivolous distinction, which, originating 
 in vanity, finds its end in disappointment and disgust. 
 Not satisfied to take the sports and amusements of life as 
 I found them, it has been my desire to raise for myself a 
 kind of spurious fame for proficiency in pursuits which, 
 after all, deserve but to be the pastime of an idle hour ; 
 and even this worthless distinction I have failed to attain. 
 When the man who had spent a lifetime in learning to 
 balance peas on the point of a needle, was brought before 
 Alexander, the conqueror of the world ordered him the 
 appropriate recompense of a packet of needles and a bushel 
 of peas. Alas ! my proficiency has not even deserved the 
 Macedonian's sarcastic guerdon. Money, time, and per- 
 severance have been wasted, and I cannot balance the pea 
 on the needle after aU. In vain have my stud eaten their 
 heads off at Melton, and I myself gone to the height of per- 
 sonal inconvenience, not to say bodily peril, to achieve a 
 first-flight character on the grass. Can I lay my hand on 
 
308 TILBUBY NOGO 
 
 my heart, and tax my memory with one single instance on 
 which, after hounds had been running hard for ten minutes, 
 I was present in the same field with them ? I have ridden 
 a two-hundred-guinea hunter, and been pounded by young 
 Graceless on a forty-pound hack ! I have placed my horse's 
 head at Lord Rapid's tail, and vowing to stick to him 
 throughout the day, have lost him in three fields. No ! 
 High Leicestershire was no arena for my prowess; and 
 hopeless as was my success in the pastures, the turf was 
 even worse. What availed it to elbow my way into the 
 waving mass which constitutes the .Ring at Epsom ; or 
 to swagger, with open betting-book, and pencil daintily 
 fitted between my front teeth, down the sunny slopes at 
 Ascot? The " make-and-shape " backer jumped at the odds 
 I offered against his favourite, and showed his judgment by 
 the form in which his selection swept past the goal an 
 easy winner, and " the only horse I stood to lose by in the 
 race ;" or the better-informed leg, with his liberal invest- 
 ment against the Flyer that broke down this morning, gave 
 me another opportunity of what is playfully termed "paying 
 and looking pleasant." Shootiag, deer-staUdng, sparring, 
 cricket, hare-hunting, rowing, fishing, etc., not forgetting 
 my first and only appearance as a jockey at Weatherley — ^I 
 have had a turn at them all — and if this be what is meant 
 by " sowing wild oats," I can only say that in my case the 
 crop has failed to pay the expenses of cultivation. My 
 trip into the west of England, though in itself the accident 
 of an accident — the consequence of a fracas in which I had 
 no business to be concerned — was in its effect not the least 
 important of my vagaries ; and that, too, originatiag in my 
 ambition to obtain a certain share of fame as a sportsman 
 in that out-of-the-way locality. Of my visit to Squire 
 Topthome, I confess there did spring some very decided 
 consequences ; but with my conviction that, in the words 
 of Shakspeare, " your marriage comes by destiny," I for- 
 bear to make any reflections on that unavoidable catastrophe. 
 And what has been the result of thus wasting the golden, 
 the irretrievable years of early manhood-— that important 
 period in which alone can be laid the foundations for a future 
 superstructure of utility and self-content, if not of dis- 
 tinction and renown — an edifice to which success in the 
 
TILBUBY NOaO 809 
 
 more trifling pursuits of life should be but as the carving 
 which decorates its pillars, the ornamental work which 
 softens the sererer grandeur of the whole? 
 
 A brief period of hollow exoitfement, constantly embittered 
 by dissatisfaction and disappointment ; a consciousness of 
 time misspent and opportunities thrown away ; something 
 very nearly akin to remorse for the irremediable past ; and 
 above all, the degrading conviction that though age is 
 steadily and surely stealing on, wisdom is still as far 
 distant as ever, and the experience which makes " even 
 fools wise " has in my own case been entirely thrown 
 away. 
 
 " Could we but see ourselves as others see us," how 
 different would be the estimate we should place on our 
 characters! how much less often should we hear it remarked 
 of such an one, " that it would be well to buy him at the 
 world's price, and sell him at his own." Were it possible 
 to look into the hearts of those with whom we associate, 
 and there read the opinions they really entertain of our- 
 selves, the lesson, though totally upsetting the whole 
 organisation of society, would prove as instructive as it 
 would unquestionably be disagreeable. Perhaps in London 
 we have better opportunities than elsewhere of arriving, if 
 we are not completely blinded by self-conceit, at our true 
 value amongst our fellow-creatures. The young men of the 
 present day are not prone, without some very cogent 
 reasons, to conceal the unflattering opinion they seem to 
 entertain of every one but themselves ; and certainly that 
 insincerity which would fain disguise the truth, simply 
 because it is disagreeable, is not the failing of the age we 
 live in. As I sit here in a vrindow of " The Munchausen," 
 and gaze upon the boundless prospect afforded by the 
 opposite side of Pall-Mail, I study the manners and 
 customs of the future promise of Great Britain, with a 
 melancholy conviction that I am no longer one of them- 
 selves. Truth, however, compels me to state that the few 
 years which confer upon me what is ironically termed, " the 
 advantage" of them, totally fail to command that deference 
 which, we are told, was in Lacedsemon the invariable 
 tribute paid to old age. But little of the Spartan, save hia 
 courage, is to be traced in the Anglo-Saxon of the present 
 
810 TILBUBY NOQO 
 
 day ; and how that young gentleman now breakfasting on 
 mulligatawny and old Madeira, at four p.m., would turn up 
 his nose at black broth ! But to return to my moralising 
 reflections on that position in society which I hare failed to 
 attain — that very youth who, because I have not the honour 
 of his acquaintance, thinks it right to gaze upon me with a 
 supercilious stare, as though I were some curious piece of 
 upholstery badly covered, may perhaps chance to ask the 
 waiter the name of that rural-looking gentleman who occu- 
 pied the table next to our youth's protracted breakfast. 
 " Nogo ! " — ah ! twenty-one summers have shed their sun- 
 shine on his clustering locks, but he has never heard of 
 Mr. Nogo, and therefore, with a power of reasoning, a grasp 
 of induction that does honour to his intellect, he concludes 
 Mr. Nogo must be a snob ! So much for the charitable 
 opinions entertained on my behalf by those who cannot 
 boast the advantage of my intimacy. Now for the 
 deferential homage I am to expect from those who can. 
 In swaggers young Graceless — a great man at " The 
 Munchausen," and though, as I happen to know, and as a 
 reference to the " Army List " would bear me witness, no 
 longer so very young as a slight figure and whiskers care- 
 fully shaved to the roots would lead the fair sex to suppose 
 — ^yet by dint of buoyant spirits, consummate impudence, 
 and unfailing tact, an authority amongst the juveniles 
 whose oracles there is no gainsaying. 
 
 " What, Nogo — my antediluvian ; " says the irreverent 
 joker, as he pats me on the back with a cordiality which 
 the London man can afford in empty February, but which 
 dries up to an imperceptible nod and whispered "How-d'ye- 
 do ? " in crowded June ; " I didn't know you were alive — 
 but how old you are looking, and how fat ! " glancing down 
 with unconcealed satisfaction at his whipping-post of a 
 frame. " Well, I'm glad to see you. If you are going 
 along Piccadilly, come as far as Tatt's with me : Camarine's 
 horses are to be sold, and I want to take the odds to a 
 pony against 'Bareface.' " 
 
 The old feeling steals upon me : I link my arm in that 
 of young Graceless, and ere I reach Hyde Park Comer the 
 ruminations of the preceding half-hour have been forgotten ; 
 Bath, Mrs. Nogo, domestic responsibilities, the increasing 
 
TILBUBY NOGO 811 
 
 corpulency, the irretrievable decade, are as though they 
 were not. Tattersall greets me with a nod that would seem 
 to infer he had seen me every day for a fortnight ; and the 
 ancient ambition, the foolish itching for sporting notoriety 
 breaks out again as strong as ever. There is a chestnut 
 mare of Lord Camarine's (a nobleman declining hunting 
 for the best of all reasons, that his difficulties have forced 
 him abroad), loudly celebrated by report for her capabilities 
 as a fencer. What an animal on which to acquire distinc- 
 tion as a bruising rider in the hunting-field ! Who is that 
 gentleman, who ought to know better, bidding in hundreds 
 for this patent-safety conveyance, originally purchased for 
 forty pounds by the dealer, who let " Camarine" have her 
 as a favour at five hundred ? " There is no fool like an old 
 one ! " that gentleman is Mr. Tilbury Nogo ! Going ! going ! 
 gone ! It matters little whether the costly purchase was 
 destined to become his property, or that of some one 
 6bstinately determined to become even a greater fool than 
 himself. Here let him take his leave of the patient reader, 
 earnestly hoping that these few random sketches of his 
 adventures, if they have failed to amuse, may at least have 
 the credit of doing their best to warn that weary sufferer of 
 the way in which he should not go — ^to point out to him 
 the degrading annoyances, the petty vexations, that hover 
 around the ill-omened path of an Unsuccessful Man. 
 
Scotland and the Moors 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE MOORS 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 Backward, backward let me wander, 
 
 To the noble northern land — 
 Oh, my heart is sad and weary, &o. 
 
 Aytoun't Lays. 
 
 It is no nse dilating on the miseries of London in August 
 — every one, with the exception of an eccentric cor- 
 respondent of the facetious Mr. Pvmch, seems agreed upon 
 that point ; and as my own opinion in this respect marches 
 with the times, I had at an early period in the summer 
 made my arrangements to breathe the mountain air, and 
 breast the heathery " braes " of the north. Long before 
 the middle of July I found myself repeating " The Lays of 
 the Scottish Cavaliers ; " and " Scrope on Deer-stalking," 
 "The Moor and the Loch," Mr. St. John's delightful 
 excursions and adventures in the neighbourhood of the 
 mighty Findhom, and every other work connected with 
 " the hills," formed the staple of my studies, and the 
 subject of my thoughts. How I despised the blue-book, 
 and contemned all balls but the Caledonian ! how I adored 
 the Puritani and the Lucia (mind I had never been across 
 the border) ; I even went so far as to learn the Highland 
 fling, up two flight of stairs, in a London lodging-house, 
 in the dog-days, the step-accompanying bag-pipes causing 
 the two respectable Quakers below to . give immediate 
 notice to quit, and driving an elderly gentleman, supposed 
 
 316 
 
316 SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 
 
 at times to be rather flighty, smack into a lunatic asylum, 
 where he is at this moment living on linseed tea and a 
 vegetable diet. All this and more must be laid to the 
 account of the Waverley mania ; and right glad was I 
 when the two companions with whom I had taken a moor 
 far in the north announced themselves ready to start, and, 
 as the ladies say, " fixed the day." 
 
 The night of the 7th of August was determined upon to 
 embark on board a Scotch steamer at Blackwall; the 
 quantity of dogs (of which more anon), keepers, provisions, 
 Fortnum and Mason's best, and other paraphernalia, 
 making it advisable to proceed, en masse, over "the 
 briny," instead of the infinitely shorter, though more 
 confiising method, of the tea-kettle from Euston-square. 
 Need I add that a dinner at Greenwich was the inevitable 
 ante-consequence of our voyage? Of course we dined at 
 the Trafalgar, and in one of that best inn's best rooms did 
 we three — Beeswing, King Cob (so called from an old 
 university nickname), and the "humble individual now 
 addressing you " — eat a dinner in the face of an afternoon 
 sun, that Lucullus might have envied, and Heliogabalus 
 himself could hardly have outdone. Oh, for the pen of 
 Dr. Kitchener ! oh for the eirsa irrepoviTa of Christopher 
 North — ^not Christopher under canvas, but Christopher over 
 the mahogany — to emblazon on the golden page of history 
 that gorgeous repast, from its turtle thick and thin — ^its 
 champagne, sweet and dry — its thousands of specimens of 
 fishes — its millions of animalculae miscalled whitebait, and 
 devoured with brown bread and butter — ^its Scotch pigeons 
 — its tendrons de veau — ^its five magnificent courses leading 
 gradually on to a haunch of venison, and sloping off again 
 through the gradations of a regular dinner of five more, to 
 a cool bottle of claret (by the way, the least thing too cool), 
 a cup of coffee, a glass of white brandy, and a cigar that 
 came from " old Varginny a long time ago," through whose 
 mazy wreaths we contemplated, as at a distance, the action 
 we had been engaged in, and looked back with a cabn and 
 virtuous satisfaction on the prodigies we had performed. 
 
 The conversation going to the steamer was decidedly 
 dramatic, and was carried on in the eastern fashion, by 
 symbols and signs, rather than by the usual method of 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 317 
 
 interchanging ideas amongst gentlemen. The transition 
 was, I believe, performed in a boat ; Beeswing, who had 
 travelled in many lands, being under the impression that 
 he was navigating the Bosphorus, and being much disturbed 
 with the idea of introducing two friends on board a Queen's 
 ship, the quarter-deck of which he appeared convinced he 
 was momentarily approaching. King Cob, who was 
 amiable and accommodatiag to an incredible degree, was 
 most eager to pull — an exercise from which I with some 
 difficulty dissuaded him, as I was myself anxious to solve 
 a problem which had for some time puzzled me, namely, 
 how many oars we had rowing us, and whether the stroke, 
 a sturdy little waterman with an inflamed nose, was 
 possessed of one eye or four. 
 
 "Not knowing the captain," said Beeswing, "and 
 there being no admiral on the station" — what more 
 difficulties he would have enumerated, or to what con- 
 clusion this train of reasoning was likely to lead, can never 
 be ascertained, his reflections being here cut short by a 
 bump and a sort of unpleasant heave, accompanied by a 
 rushing sound of water, the tension of a boat-hook, and 
 some valuable assistance under the arms from two powerfal 
 individuals. In another moment I was standing on a 
 spacious deck, from whence I could see the lights from the 
 shore reflected on the river till it seemed impossible to 
 distinguish the real from the illusive; and then feeling 
 conscious that the system was somewhat over-stimulated, 
 I had the sense to retire to my berth, leaving Beeswing 
 fast asleep on one of the horse-hair sofas in the saloon, and 
 Eling Cob engaged in a most violent argument with a 
 presbyterian divine, on the free kirk, the currency question, 
 Puseyism, tithes, and the General Assembly, the worthy 
 ecclesiastic appearing to be somewhat bewildered by the 
 suddenness and volubility with which my friend jumped 
 from one subject to another, and the inflexible obstinacy 
 which he displayed upon them all. 
 
 Certainly the sensation of waking at sea has a charm 
 peculiar to itself: even through the sickness, the jolting, 
 the smells, and all the miseries of a steamer, there is a 
 freshness in the dancing wave that to me pays for it all. 
 ITou hear sounds of horror ; your boots are not where you 
 
318 SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 
 
 put them when you went to bed, and your carpet-bag and 
 hat-box have walked as nearly as possible to the door of 
 your cabin ; you share the dressing-room of an asthmatic 
 gentleman, who is groaning and creaking above you : you 
 hear cups and saucers rattling, and feel most unpleasantly 
 convinced that you have no appetite for breakfast ; you are 
 aware of the miseries to be gone through before you can 
 even appear upon deck ; that shaving is an impossibility, 
 and dressing a series of gymnastics ; all your habits, cleanly, 
 comfortable, and coddling, are thoroughly broken through 
 and set aside ; yet only open one half inch of the port-hole 
 of your cabin, and when you see the green wave dashing 
 up in the sunshine, and flinging its spray playfully into 
 your face, when you feel the salt breeze cooling while it 
 braces your aching brow, and perhaps catch a glimpse of 
 the white wing of a sea-gull as he dips into the glancing 
 water, you will confess that there is an additional pleasure 
 in life that you knew not of ; and the wish to be on deck, 
 and to inhale the pure and freshening breeze, will become 
 a longing that can only be satisfied by enjoyment. 
 
 So it was with me, as I dived and tumbled about my 
 cabin, collecting the necessary articles of dress, unblacked 
 boots, unbrushed clothes, tumbled neckcloth, &c., &c. 
 Beeswing, like the immortal Major Monsoon, preferred 
 making out the first twenty-four hours of squeamishness in 
 bed, and beguiling the lingering hours with hot brandy-and- 
 water ; but King Cob, who must have been possessed of the 
 real pectus rdbw et oes triplex of Horace, and who knew 
 not the meaning of sickness or indisposition, by land or 
 sea, was already bustling about the ship, talkijag to the 
 passengers, hurrying the steward, and promoting the 
 speedy arrival of breakfast by all the means in his power. 
 Him I joined, envying his rosy countenance and sparkling 
 eye, as with trembling limbs and tottering steps I came to 
 anchor on a green settee, and began to " derive great benefit 
 from the sea air." 
 
 The voyage altogether was certainly " good fan." Every 
 one knows the eastern coast of Britain too well to have 
 patience with a description of it ; but there is a deal of 
 beauty and wildness : witness the cliffs about Flamborough 
 Head, along that sea-board of the German Ocean ; and 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 319 
 
 when we got over our little squeamishness, found our 
 appetites, and began to appreciate the merits of bottled 
 porter and hot whisky toddy, there was much to amuse> if 
 not to interest us. The perpetual eating and drinking, 
 under the especial auspices of King Cob (I must once for 
 aU apologise for distinguishing my worthy friend only by 
 hia nom-de-guerre), assisted by the "meenister," astonished 
 my weak mind more than anything. Not only did we 
 breakfast at half-past eight, lunch at half-past twelve, 
 dine at half-past three, drink tea at half-past six, and sup 
 at half-past nine; but a griU was always forthcoming, if 
 necessary, about eleven ; and it appeared as if the sickness 
 which pervaded the greater part of the ship between decks 
 was merely a necessary effort of Nature to counteract the 
 perpetual stuffing that went on in the saloon. One of our 
 eveniugs, I think the first one, was peculiarly sociable ; the 
 party (for there were but few passengers, and most of them 
 were still recumbent) consisting of Beeswing, who had just 
 risen — time, half-past ten, p.m. ; the minister ; a Mr. 
 Spoony, en route for the Highlands with his family ; King 
 Cob, concocting " a devQ ; " and myself. A short cross 
 sea was just getting up, and the Steamer expostulating, as 
 steamers do, vnth the most heart-rending sobs and groans, 
 and an occasional lurch, that made one seize one's tumbler 
 and bum one's fingers involuntarily. The minister was 
 drinking " hot stopping," made particularly " stiff," 
 and we were talking mesmerism, clairvoyance, law, physic, 
 and divinity ; in short, whatever came uppermost. 
 
 "You must allow," said Beeswing, who was deep in 
 magnetism, and a great stickler for the influence, " that 
 there is an affinity between every two human beings, even 
 between every two living animals, that can only be ac- 
 counted for upon this principle. If I yawn, you yawn 
 (I see nothing to laugh, at. Cob !). If you grant me this, 
 you must allow that there is a certain sympathy irrespective 
 of the will of either, between any two given individuals. 
 This is the point I start from ; and I conceive everything 
 apparently incredible, which we hear as an operation of 
 magnetism, is simply a modification, or rather a con- 
 tinuation, of this principle — ^your second sight, sir, in the 
 Highlands, on which I doubt not you place implicit reliance." 
 
320 SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 
 
 " No, sir ; no," said the worthy divine : " I can not just 
 say I am in my ain self convinced of that faculty as 
 desairving of credence. There was an auld wife in my 
 parish of Auchnakilty, west of Strath-bonnart, that was 
 fain to mak' me believe she was possessed of shuper- 
 natural powers ; but whesky, sir, whesky was at the 
 bottom o't ; and since the breaking up and destruction 
 of the sma' stills, sir, over the greater pairt of the 
 Hielands, I have observed that the second sight has 
 declined in a manner proportionately ; tho' it is not for 
 me, sir, to give an opeenion as to the causes thereof." 
 
 "Bravo; doctor!" said Mr. Spoony, who, like myself, 
 had never been over the Border, and whose clerical 
 neighbour might be a dean or bishop for aught he knew ; 
 " but I am sorry to hear that the ' still ' trade is so far 
 on the decline. I was in hopes that we were not to be 
 much troubled with law beyond the Highland line, and I 
 have been particular to take some shooting in Aberdeen- 
 shire, as being a good deal to the north of the Tay, which 
 I take to be the line of demarcation between the Highlands 
 and the Lowlands." 
 
 "For the maitter o' that, sir," said the minister, " ye 
 will find there are lowlands in Aberdeenshire as well as in 
 Fife ; though when ye get up Dee-side, towards the 
 Castleton of Braemar, ye find yerself surrounded by an 
 awfu' hash of hills ; and I'm told the muir-fowl are un- 
 common rife about Ballater, tho' being no sportsman 
 myself, sir, I cannot just take upon me to say ; but as for 
 law, sir, weTiae mair lawyers, ay, and keen skilful men 
 they air, baith in Edinbro' and Aiberdeen, than we can find 
 work for them to do. The Scottish bar, sir, stands high in 
 the profession ; and I am myself acquent with an instance 
 whaur the skeelful defence of a counsel, though it failed 
 to convince the jury, was powerful enough to impress upon 
 the mind of the prisoner that he could not have committed 
 the crime for which he was tried, and which he had himself 
 confessed, and that he was about to suffer on an unjust 
 and one-sided verdict." 
 
 " Clever lawyer that, sir," said Cob, who had just ordered 
 a grill ; " I should like to hear the particulars." 
 
 " Weel, sir," said the reverend, " it was an aggravated 
 
SCOTLAND AND TBB M00B8 821 
 
 case of murder ; and the prisoner, a man of middle age, had 
 himself pleaded guilty to the charge. Mr. Hephum, now 
 Lord Cockermouth, a lord of session, ye will understand, 
 defended the panel, as we tairm it ; and he made sic an 
 awfti' powerful and persuasive speech, demolishing the 
 evidence for the prosecution piecemeal, and holding up 
 his client to be sic an honest, douce, meek, and mercifu' 
 man, that the prisoner himself behoved to weep and take 
 on till he was satisfied it was not possible that he could 
 have committed the crime they charged him with; and 
 who was more surprised than he, when the jury, who, 
 providentially for the ends of justice, were a dour plaia- 
 dealing set of men, found him 'guilty,' and he was 
 condemned accordingly to be hanged by the neck on the 
 28th of the month; while Mr. Hepburn sat down to 
 prepare for his next case, like a man who had performed 
 his duty with credit to himself, and satisfaction to all 
 concerned. Weel, the puir creature, as he was removed 
 from the dock, passed close to where his counsel was seated, 
 and says he, ' I'm dooting, Mr. Hepburn, that a didna get 
 justice the day ? ' ' No,' says Mr. Hepburn, as he lookit 
 up from his papers, ' no, but ye'll get it on the 28th.' It 
 was uncommonly neat, sir," was the divine's concluding 
 remark, as he finished his story and his tumbler — an 
 opinion in which all except Mr. Spoony, who was asleep, 
 cordially joined. The powers of speech and redundancy of 
 anecdote being slightly fostered by the strength of his 
 potations, and the vires acqimit ewndo principle being 
 most true in conversd,tion, he went on to relate to us 
 another anecdote connected with this distinguished lawyer. 
 "Lord Cockermouth was as good in cross-examining of 
 witnesses as in every other part of his profession. I was 
 in court upon one occasion when his lordship's colleague 
 was endeavouring to prove the general ignorance and 
 stupidity of a particular individual, in a case connected 
 with the lease of a farm, thro' the evidence of the witness, a 
 hard-headed Lowland farmer, and intimate friend of the 
 individual whose want of general intelligence it was 
 advisable to establish. 'Well, my good man,' began 
 the cross-examining counsel, ' how loog have you known 
 Mr. Mac- Tod ? ' ' Oo' a've been acquent wi' Mm may be 
 
 22 
 
322 SCOTLAND AND TEE MOOBS 
 
 fifty year.' ' Do you consider him an intelligent man ? ' 
 ' What's your wull ? ' 'I say, do you consider him a 
 well-informed man, and one capable of understanding or 
 arranging a difficult matter to his own advantage?' 'A 
 dinna ken.' 'Well, but do you think he is a man of 
 general capacity ? ' 'A could not say.' ' What I mean is 
 this, my good man : you have known Mr. Mac-Tod for 
 several years, should you say now that he was what you 
 would call an intellectual man ? ' ' 'Am no just clear 
 that 'am understanding what y'ere sayin, sir.' * Allow me,' 
 said Mr. Hepburn to his brother lawyer, ' allow me to try 
 what I can do with this witness ; ' and accordingly with a 
 good-humoured air and much in his own dialect, he began 
 — ' Are ye weel acquent wi' Archie Mac-Tod ? ' ' Ay, am 
 I ; 'am weel acquent wi' him.' " How lang is't since ye 
 first became acquent wi' him ? ' ' Hoot ! 'ave kent him 
 syne we were bairns at the schule thegither.' 'Is there 
 anything intUl him ! ' ' Hoot ! there's just naething at a' 
 intill him but what he puts in wi' the spune.' The 
 evidence was conclusive as to the capacity of Mr. Mac- 
 Tod, and the case progressed accordingly." 
 
 We so much applauded the worthy minister at the con- 
 clusion of this last story, and were getting on so comfortably 
 under the joint influence of supper, toddy, and small talk, 
 that we never remarked the vraid had fi:eshened, and con- 
 sequently the swell increased, till our attention was attracted 
 to the uncomfortable fact by a wail &om the ladies' cabin, 
 and a faint soprano, which whispered, " Stewardess ! " 
 crescendo, " Stewardess ! ! " " Yes, mam." " A little 
 more " — ^I did not quite catch the end of the sentence ; 
 but by the tinkling of a teaspoon and the apparent 
 necessity of hot water, it was probably some cordial which 
 had before proved beneficial. It seemed to have succeeded 
 in this instance; for the same voice, apparently much 
 refreshed, was again heard to articulate, " Stewardess, 
 whereabouts are we now ? " a question I recollected to 
 have heard at short intervals ever since we left the Nord 
 " Just getting into ' the Deeps,' mam, at the mouth of the 
 Humber," was the alarming reply. " The deeps ! oh, 
 good gracious ! " " The deeps — ^how dreadfal ! " 
 " Stewardess, ask the captain if there is much danger." 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 323 
 
 " Prightfiil — the deeps ! "—.in every key, from matron's 
 bass to maiden's treble, amongst which I recognised the 
 baritone of an ancient Swiss governess, the only lady who 
 had that day appeared at dinner ; but who, I have reason 
 to fear, suffered for it afterwards. The stewardess, who 
 eventually obtained the office of matron in a lunatic asylum 
 by way of retiring into an easier situation, was most 
 assiduous in her praiseworthy endeavours to calm the 
 terrors of her lady passengers, and amongst other com- 
 forting and imaginative remarks, assured them that the 
 captain said the wind would be sure to go down at 
 twelve o'clock — a promise which appeared to afford the 
 greatest consolation, and which I gave her the more credit 
 for inventing, as it then wanted just five minutes of 
 midnight, and the skipper himself had for the last two 
 hours taken advantage of the comparatively favourable 
 weather, by what sailors call " caulking it," on one of 
 the saloon sofas. 
 
 I was in the act of retiring for the night, when Mr. 
 Spoony, who had. been comfortably asleep in his chair, 
 was summoned to attend upon his sposa. As I believe 
 he might not venture beyond the door of the ladies' 
 cabin, and consequently the whole of his conversation 
 must have been carried on while standing sentry outside, 
 I did not envy him when I woke some two hours after- 
 wards, and heard him tumbling about for a light, and 
 rolling backwards and forwards to his cabin, he having 
 been then only just dismissed upon the repeated assurance 
 that the ship was not gone overboard, and that there 
 was no apparent likelihood of destruction before dawn on 
 the morrow. 
 
 The following day nearly all had recovered their health 
 and good humour, and the voyage proceeded with its usual 
 routine of pacing the deck, smoking (in the forecastle), 
 eating, drinking, arguing, and sleeping, varied only by the 
 amusement we derived from the self-devotion of a Highland 
 piper, returning with his chief to his native hills, and who 
 persevered, in defiance of the most violent sea-sickness, 
 in playing the pibroch which had marshalled his feudal 
 superior to dinner for years, and which the faithful retainer, 
 notwithstanding many interruptions, persisted in completing. 
 
324 SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 
 
 It was, too, ludicrous to see the swelling gait and turkey- 
 cock appearance so necessary to enhance a solo upon that 
 national instrument, exchanged for the pale dejected looks 
 of a vassal doing homage unto Neptune, exacted every 
 five minutc^s, and always at the moment when the "gather- 
 ing air," getting faster and fiercer, seemed to imply that 
 scores of kilted warriors were tramping their " quick step " 
 to the notes of the sickening minstrel. Notwithstanding 
 all these little events, the whole thing began to get tedious 
 long before we arrived; and I believe it would be difficult to 
 say which of us was most delighted when, steaming up one 
 of those noble estuaries that embellish the N.E. coast of 
 Scotland, we arrived at our place of disembarkation, men, 
 dogs, and guns, all in good order, and tolerably ready for 
 work. 
 
 Little time did we put off in seeing curiosities or visiting 
 lions, whilst completing the few arrangements necessary 
 before our fresh departure for " our lodge." Our lodge — 
 what a wild-sounding name, and at the same time what ideas 
 of snugness and comfort suggest themselves at the word ! 
 Every squire can have a shooting-box ; and it calls to your 
 mind nothing but dust, turnips, partridges, and an occasional 
 hen-pheasant. But a lodge ! an Indian warrior has his 
 lodge ; and when we talk of it in connection with Glen- 
 anything, we involuntarily associate the idea with grouse, 
 black game, the chance of a red-deer at least, peat, mountain 
 dew, and the glorious air of the hUls. Impatient were we 
 to get there ; never were cartridges, fishing-tackle, and two 
 or three plaids,^ bought in such a hurry ; and scarcely could 
 we refirain from a schoolrboy's " huzza ! " when late on a 
 glorious summer evening, just about crimson sunset, we 
 came to the front view of our future Highland home. There 
 it lay, white and clean, about a mile from us; a loch — or 
 rather lochy, for it was of the smallest dimensions — within 
 twenty yards of the door ; a few birch trees on a green knoU 
 behind it, enabling your eye to form some idea of the 
 inighty mountain at its back; and a small plot of com 
 covering about two acres, flanked by a dusty peat-stack, 
 and enclosed by a low stone-waU. It got darker and 
 darker as we approached, and we saw but little of our 
 future haunts before bed-time. Everything was arranged 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 325 
 
 in anticipation of our arrival ; and when we had inspected 
 kennels, sleeping-rooms, &c., &c., we were glad enough 
 to betake ourselves to bed. The last thing I did was 
 to open my window, and gaze into the darkness, 
 trying to picture to myself the outline that would greet 
 my waking eyesight in the morning, and fancying that 
 even then it was possible there might be a wandering 
 red-deer within point-blank distance of my dressing-case. 
 
CHAPTEE n 
 
 It's up Glenbarohan's braes I gaze, 
 And o'er the bent of Kittle-braid, 
 An' mony a weary cast I made 
 
 To cuittle the muir-fowl's tail. 
 If up a bonny black-cock should spring, 
 To whistle bim down wi' a slug in his wing. 
 And strap him on to my lunzie-string. 
 
 Bight seldom would I fail. 
 
 Globiotjs to the emancipated Londoner is the waking on 
 the 12th of August. Tried friends, good dogs, and guns that 
 mock at distance, a well-preserved moor, a picturesque 
 country, and above all, that Highland air which acts like a 
 cordial upon the frame and spirits, making a Falstaff feel as 
 elastic as an Auriol, and induing the pigmy that steers the 
 winner of the Clearwell with the muscular power and self- 
 relying vigour of Ajax the son of Telamon. 
 
 "Beeswing, are you getting up? breakfast is ordered 
 at seven. Bravo, Cob ! the monarch has actually thrown 
 his royal line over the glassy surface of Loch Cleinioh, 
 and already the merry trouts, small, sweet, and ruddy, 
 are fulfilling their destinies in the frying-pan. Beeswing, 
 pray get up." 
 
 " My dear fellow, I am up, only I can't speak when I'm 
 shaving. Send up Big Sandy ; I must arrange about the 
 beats for to-day, as I am the only one of the party who has 
 ever been here before ; and if I gave you your own way, 
 you would be off deer-stalking, without glass, gilly, or 
 knowledge of any kind whatever; and Cob, with his 
 antics, would disturb the whole ground before luncheon- 
 time, and leave all the best places half-hunted. Gome 
 in, Sandy." ' 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 327 
 
 Enter Sandy, or Big Sandy as he was usually called — 
 as fine a specimen of a hillman as you shall see hetweeti 
 Strathearn and John-o'-Groat's ; tall, muscular, square 
 shouldered, and clean made, he would have stood for the 
 portrait of a catheran as well as any prescribed M'Grregor 
 of them all : but Sandy, honest man, was a quiet, decent, 
 kirk-going fellow, who never harmed man or beast in his 
 life beyond the roving hawk or other vermin he trapped so 
 successfully, and whose only weaknesses, if weaknesses 
 they might be called, were a wonderful inclination for 
 tobacco in all its branches and a slight tendency to take 
 the other sup of the whisky which marks the line between 
 decidedly drunk and provisionally sober. 
 
 "Well, Sandy, it's to be a fine day; the mist is 
 clearing, and it seems to be coming down from the 
 tops, which is always a good sign. We ought to get a 
 good bag to-day, &om what you told us last night about 
 the birds." 
 
 " Oh, yes, ye will get a fine bag the day ; and I am 
 thinking it will hold to be a fine day. Yes — there is a 
 good sprinkling of birds in Glen Mivart, and there are 
 many more broods than I remember to have seen amongst 
 the tops into Craig Altyre, and," added Sandy, with a 
 considerate glance at me, " if Mr. Nogo was to take the 
 lower beat of the Moss of Struanach it would not be that 
 steep walking for him, and he would have a fine chance for 
 a blackcock in the corrie where we louse the dogs." 
 
 " That's all right. Beeswing. Heavens ! how I should 
 like to kin a blackcock ! Next to a red-deer, I think I had 
 rather whistle down a fine old blackcock than anything on 
 the face of the earth." 
 
 " Well, you can take that beat if you like ; you and 
 the King might shoot together, as there ought to be work 
 for two guns, and have Sandy with you ; and I will take 
 the upper part of Struanach and the tops beyond the big 
 moss, and take the English keeper with me, as I know 
 the ground. But I hope Cob will not be oflfended at my 
 requesting his jager to take off those light yellow gaiters, 
 which I fear will much impede his action ' up the hill.' 
 Well, then, that is settled ; so now for breakfast." 
 
 And to breakfast we accordingly did ample justice, not 
 
328 SCOTLAND AND THE M00B3 
 
 without a due vote of thanks to the angler for the first course 
 of our voluminous repast. 
 
 As I lit my cigar and lounged over the window of our 
 dining-parlour previous to starting, I thought to myself that 
 hardly even the pencil of Landseer or Frank Grant could 
 have done justice to the scene before me. Imagine a loch 
 of about a mile in length by a third of that distance in 
 breadth, sleeping calnily in the shadow of a glorious black- 
 looking mountain, whose august head was still shrouded in 
 the mist, and whose height, left to the imagination, 
 appeared immeasurable ; the ripple on the nearer shore 
 was all that caught the gleam of the morning sun, but 
 a cultivated strath to my left was bathed in his golden 
 light; the corn was yellowing in patches, and the trees 
 which studded its surface lost nothing of their effect from 
 their stunted growth in such gigantic scenery, where the 
 oaks of Royal Windsor itself would have been but as 
 pigmies in the embrace of that mountain-pass. To my 
 right, hill was heaped upon hill in magnificent confusion ; 
 each gaudy tint and variety of light and shade at length 
 resolving itself into that indescribable greyish-blue of a 
 distance that seemed to melt into the summer sky. In 
 the foreground — and here Grant would have been in 
 ecstasies and Landseer in his element — two shaggy ponies, 
 accoutred with panniers, and loaded with plaids, spare 
 ammunition, luncheon, and all other necessaries, held by 
 two heather-legged gillies (alas ! not kilted), and an 
 ancient shepherd m a plaid, and lowland bonnet, lighting 
 his morning pipe. Sandy was still corisulting with Bees- 
 wing in the lodge, but six handsome pointers and a 
 venerable retriever were scattered over the greensward; 
 and Mop, the roughest and most insinuating terrier that 
 ever sat on end and begged for biscuit, couching lion- 
 like across the door, with his head between his paws, 
 completed the detail of this Highland picture. 
 
 But out comes Cob, in the shortest trousers tied at the 
 knees for getting " up the hill " — an operation he never 
 performs without much lamentation, sobbing, and sighing, 
 and many a halt and face-about to enjoy the scenery. Out 
 he comes, shouldering a long double-barrelled chef-d'oeuvre 
 of the house of Lancaster, and woe to the wing that shows 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 329 
 
 itself above the heather within distance of those deadly 
 tubes. A better shot, a keener sportsman, or a jollier com- 
 panion never walked. Out he comes, his good-humoured 
 face lighted up with merriment, his jolly sides shaking from 
 the effects of a repartee with which he has just favoured 
 Beeswing ; and with a joke for the gillies and a pat for 
 the dogs, he begins to describe to me the intricacies of the 
 path by which we are to arrive at our beat, and having 
 persuaded me that walking is by far the safest way of 
 getting there, proceeds deliberately to mount the pony, 
 and make himself agreeable from the saddle whilst I 
 trudge by his side. In this form we journeyed about a 
 couple of miles, till a turn in the path brought us in view 
 of a mountain stream, stealing down the most sheltered 
 of corries and terminating in the most picturesque of water- 
 falls. Here Sandy, who had preserved an unbroken silence 
 for the last half-hour, suggested that we should "louse the 
 dogs " as he called it ; and forthwith he set at liberty two 
 as handsome pointers as you would wish to shoot over, re- 
 joicing in the names of Port and Kedger, whilst we anxious 
 sportsmen proceeded to load, shoulder, and prepare for action. 
 Away they go, forty mile an hour, up the hill-side, as if 
 they meant to put his brow between themselves and all 
 restraint ; back again, down to the very bum that washes 
 the corrie, to and fro they range ; they can go like fox- 
 hounds, and yet how perfectly they are under control ! I 
 do like to see the dash of two very high-bred pointers who 
 have not been shot over in a low country, and whose 
 range has never been broken by the "ware fence" discipline 
 so necessary for partridge-shooting. But look, Kedger is 
 down, perfect the attitude, but wanting the eager' straining 
 look of a dog when game is close before him, as I find to 
 my cost after striding breathlessly up to him. He is only 
 backing, but Cob points towards the fern which is growing 
 rank and high some two hundred yards below me, and down 
 I go again, cocking both barrels and shaking with excite- 
 ment. It is Port who has got them, and the glEime must 
 be close before him. What a moment ! but no, his stem 
 moves, and on he crawls, down upon his belly like a stalker 
 as he is ; his stem stiffens, but still he moves on, putting 
 one foot before the other like a cat, and as noiselessly as 
 
330 SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 
 
 tlie gossamer that floats above him. Again he stops, and 
 this time his stem is like a bar of iron, and the whole dog 
 is endued with that indescribable, and to me I confess 
 somewhat ludicrous appearance, which distinguishes the 
 pointer when close upon his game. I steal a look at Cob, 
 who replies with a wink. That instant up they get ; whir ! 
 whir ! flap ! flap ! flap ! a brood of black-game, accompanied 
 by their venerable mother, the old grey-hen. Cob probably 
 never moved a muscle ; I fired both barrels ; alas ! the 
 matronly bird fell a victim to my second shot: "down 
 charge " went Port licking his lips, and down went Kedger 
 a long way above us, with his head in the air ; Sandy 
 merely remarked, " There is mair grey-fowl before the 
 dogs ; " it was not till I had loaded and put\my caps on, 
 that I bethought me of mine iniquity. Black-game before 
 the 19th, and to slay the old grey-hen ! Well, never mind 
 — it was Sandy's fault for bringing me here and promising 
 me the chance of a blackcock, which Cob, after he had 
 enjoyed his laugh, told me the honest fellow invariably did 
 with a neophytei. The fact is, he was not very particular 
 about times and seasons himself, and he had so often 
 remarked the keenness about black-game peculiar to 
 beginners, that he brought them here to fehoot one as a 
 " bonne-bouche " out of pure civility. " No fines here," 
 said Cob ; and as he spoke, cock ! cock ! cock ! whirr ! up 
 got an old cock grouse behind him, laughing, as it would 
 seem, prematurely at his anticipated escape. Kedger had 
 passed over him, but my partner's gun was up in an 
 instant, and whack he came, a plumper rebounding from 
 the heather with the force of his downfall ; a fine old bird 
 he was, wonderfully black for the time of year, and his 
 beak like iron. We voted him a patriarch of the hillSj 
 and decided to send him away in the boxes — ^not to eat 
 him. This was the first grouse I had seen killed, so no 
 wonder I examined him minutely. " Hold up, good dogs ; 
 how hot the sun is ! but we shall get a breeze when we have 
 got over this ' face : ' " and " on we goes again." 
 
 A delightful morning's shooting we had. I was pretty 
 successful for an inferior shot, and my partner as deadly as 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 331 
 
 usual. The fact is, grouse-shooting early in the season is 
 highly complimentary to one's prowess ; the birds are a 
 good size, and consequently a fairish mark ; they generally 
 get up at about the right disttoce, and there are no hedges, 
 trees, or people at work to make it necessary to rap them 
 down at any particular moment ; the consequence is, that a 
 slow poking shot may fill his bag with great certainty and 
 satisfaction. But wait till brown October closes his mellow 
 career, when the oak coppice is red and tan-coloured, and 
 the heads of Ben Cruachan, Ben Mohr, or Ben Wyvis are 
 whitening with snow ; then the old cocks skim whirring 
 away, two feet above the heather, and fifty yards from the 
 gun at the nearest, whilst the bare and exposed places are 
 covered with game in packs that never wait to be looked at. 
 True must be his eye, and quickly must he pitch his gun 
 and shoot, who would walk home triumphant with his eight 
 or ten brace at this period of the year ; and more enjoyment 
 has he for his toil in bagging that gallant few, than if he 
 had slaughtered hecatombs on the 12th, or depopulated the 
 preserves of the whole county of Norfolk. 
 
 Toiling over all sorts of ground under an August sun is 
 doubtless as exhausting to the inward man as it is fatiguing 
 to the outward one. We had settled to meet at luncheon, 
 when, according to a time-honoured custom, one hour was 
 always devoted to refreshments, repose, and the sedative of 
 " sublime tobacco." Beeswing's ground lay so that the ex- 
 tremity of his beat was close upon the spring where we had 
 arranged to lunch. And as, enveloped in our plaids, we 
 threw ourselves upon the heather in all the enjoyment of 
 rest after labour (the poor man's luxury, entailing no regrets 
 and burdened with no tax), we heard a shot fired a little way 
 from us, and ere we had unpacked our eatables. Beeswing 
 made his appearance, evidently ready to take his share of 
 whatever was going on. 
 
 "Well, old fellow, what have you done ?" 
 
 " Thirteen brace and a half, one snipe, and one rabbit. 
 And you?" 
 
 " We have had a capital morning's sport, and have not 
 been over the best of our ground yet ; twenty-one brace of 
 grouse, five hares, and a grey-hen. Nogo shot uncommonly 
 well, so that the grey-hen hadn't a chance." 
 
332 SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 
 
 " It was my first appearance," I modestly suggested, 
 " and I could not be expected to be steady from riot." 
 
 "Never mind," said Beeswing, alluding to an old story 
 of poor Goosey, when "a gent" rode on to one of his 
 hounds and killed him ; it's a poor concern that can't afford 
 one a-day. Put the whisky-flask into the spring to cool. 
 Sandy, get me a game-bag to sit upon. Now then, caterer 
 Cob, what have you provided for luncheon ? " 
 
 I have been at many a mid-day feast, wedding-breakfasts, 
 dSjeuners, pic-nics, and all ; but never did I enjoy anything 
 so much as our simple meal by that mountain spring ; the 
 water was like crystal, and tasted positively sweet ; and 
 after nature was satisfied, it was too luxurious to smoke 
 recumbent, gazing vrith half-shut eyes upon one of the 
 fairest scenes in bonny Scotland. 
 
 " Sandy, what is the name of this spring ? " 
 
 Sandy's respectful reply I cannot put into orthography, for 
 the Gaelic word was unattainable by my Saxon ear ; but it 
 signified, as he condescended to translate it. The spring of 
 the corrie of the Glen of the Fairies. 
 
 " Yes, that is just the meaning of it in English — The 
 spring of the corrie of the Glen of the Fairies : " and 
 truly it was worthy of the Elfin land. Beeswing, who is 
 a Gaelic scholar and a sort of a poet to boot, volunteered 
 us a metrical version of the tradition which gave to the 
 , glen its fairy title. He wanted to tell it us first in GaeHc, 
 but I think even he was abashed at the idea of Sandy's 
 criticisms on his pronunciation ; and as I remarked to 
 him that the original would not benefit either of us very 
 much, he tipped us his own doggrel as King Cob expressed 
 it, in the following words : — 
 
 THE PAIEIES' SPBma. 
 
 They have stolen the child from his father's hand, 
 He is gone from his mother's knee ; 
 
 They have borne him away to the Fairy-land, 
 
 To ride in the van of their elfin-band, 
 For a babe of the Cross was he. 
 
 Kind father, meek mother, ye seek him in vain ; 
 
 7ou never shall look on your darling again. 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 833 
 
 To the mountain aide, wheie the flowers grew wild, 
 
 He would wander forth to play ; 
 And the fairies had seen that winsome child, 
 With his golden curia and blue eyes mild, 
 
 And his simple childish way. 
 And the EU-king met him ; " Come hither," said he, 
 " Come ride to the land of the fairies with me." 
 
 He thought not once of his mother's woe^ — 
 
 He forgot his father's home ; 
 For they gave him a steed like the driven anow, 
 And he amiled as they led him down below. 
 
 Through the middle of earth to roam. 
 And they showed him their treasures of jewels and gold. 
 And they welcomed the boy, for they loved him of old. 
 
 But the child aoon pined for hia mother's care, 
 
 And he pined for the light of day ; 
 He pined for the freshening mountain air. 
 And his blue eyes ached with the dazzling glare 
 
 Of their cavern's magic ray. 
 For the sign of the Cross had been pressed on his brow, 
 And he might not be thrall to the fairy-folk now. 
 
 But few that have lived with the elfin race 
 
 May revisit earth again ; 
 No more shall he smile in his mother's face, 
 For his spirit has flown to its heavenly place — 
 
 With the fairies it could not remain ; 
 Though deeply they loved him, and hopeless and wild 
 Was the el&i's grief for the Christian child. 
 
 They buried him down in a cavern lone, 
 
 Deep, deep in the mountain's womb : 
 And their tears welled up through the hard grey stone 
 To the earth above, as they made their moan 
 
 O'er the infant's early tomb. 
 And sweet to the thirsty hps of men 
 Is the Spring of Tears in the Fairies' Glen. 
 
 " I believe it to be an invention of your own, Beeswing." 
 "You shall have Sandy's version in Gaelic if you are 
 incredulous ; but we mast be on the moor again ; so fill 
 powder-horns and shot pouches, out with the two young dogs, 
 and ' en avamt, messieurs; ' but first, one small libation of 
 the pure dew of the mountain ; it will taste like ' liqueur ' 
 after cooling in that icy spring." 
 " How we shall walk after it ! " 
 
 " Nunc est bibendum, nunc pede libero 
 Fulsanda tellus," 
 
334 SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 
 
 " Sandy, your health," 
 
 " Here is better sport still, gentlemen." 
 
 And the young dogs being uncoupled, my partner and I 
 are again on foot and bent upon destruction — somewhat 
 stiff, 'tis true, but much invigorated in body and mind by 
 our repast. 
 
 We toiled on, as is usual in shooting, some part of the 
 day, for two hours or so, with but indifferent success ; and 
 here, I may remark, how often I have heard surmises as to 
 the whereabouts of grouse during a portion of the day. 
 You shall go on a moor, where on the 11th your keeper 
 found a brood in every moss-hag, and you shall find that 
 at one period or another of your day's sport, generally during 
 the early part of the afternoon, you keep stamping on over 
 every description of ground without firing a shot, till surprise 
 fades into disappointment, and disappointment degenerates 
 into disgust. You are presently rewarded, when the birds 
 begin to feed, by coming in upon them in multitudes ; but 
 where they get to during the " dark hour " — ^whether they 
 retire to dress for dinner, or what becomes of them — passes 
 our knowledge of the craft altogether. So it was with us. 
 Two mortal hours had we of this pursuit of moor-fowl under 
 difficulties, varied certainly by one brood getting up con- 
 siderably out of shot, and the consequent committal and 
 punishment of one of the young dogs, who, tired of snuffling 
 all over the hill-side without finding, testified his joy at the 
 presence of game by pursuing them open-mouthed and 
 putting up another brace who might have sat till now but 
 for his exertions. This glaring offence having been properly 
 taken notice of, Sandy called my attention to a deep zig-zag 
 mark upon the heather about eight or ten yards long, and 
 terminating as abruptly as it commenced ; a large rock, 
 apparently split, lay midway, and this he informed me was 
 the work of lightning in the previous week : there was 
 something awful in the visible handiwork of the destroyer 
 thus traced upon nature's boldest features ; the brow of 
 the mountain thus seared and riven by the thunderbolt 
 called up an idea of its immeasurable force verging upon 
 the supernatural. Everything is now accounted for upon 
 scientific principles, and it is quite right that it should be 
 80, and that the human mind should know and understand 
 
SOOTLAND AND THE M00B8 835 
 
 its power over the very elements. We have tamed the 
 lightning on our wires as we have hound the giant steam 
 upon our railways ; we have made the one a porter and the 
 other a postman. Yet for all that, there is something to 
 me in a thunderstorm beyond a mere chemical combination 
 of certain fluids ; and the child who cowers in holy awe at 
 that voice from heaven has more of my sympathies than the 
 sagacious "Franklin " flying his kite into the thunder-cloud, 
 and drawing off from its lightning-charged batteries what- 
 ever quantity of the electric fluid he required for present use. 
 These remarks I did not make to Sandy, who would not 
 have understood them, or to King Cob, who would have 
 laughed at them ; so I kept them to myself, and my medi- 
 tations were soon disturbed by the improvement which 
 showed itself in our sport. The sun was getting low, and 
 the birds were on the move as feeding-time approached. 
 " Bang, bang ! " " Down charge ! " " To-ho ! " and the 
 rest of it, was now the order of the day; and we picked 
 up a capital bag by the time we got to the end of our 
 ground. The last moss we shot was full of hags, and 
 impossible to be traversed by a pony, or indeed by any 
 animal but a tolerably active pedestrian ; the moss or bog 
 being very soft and treacherous, and the little knolls of 
 sound ground — Scottice, "hags" — ^being at that exact 
 distance apart which tempted the ambitious sportsman 
 to a leap, not always a successful one. Here, though 
 nearly dark, we got some capital shooting; and when 
 we turned out our bag on the track where we met the 
 pony, and which was the conclusion of our beat, Hesperus, 
 or whatever the star was that had just made its appear- 
 ance, twinkled down upon forty-five brace of grouse, seven 
 hares, a couple and a half of snipe, one teal, and my 
 grey-hen. Six mountain-miles had we to trudge home in 
 the dark, and no pony to ride, this time ; but, after such 
 a day's sport, who would feel beat ? And then the relief 
 of getting upon a road, no matter what sort of one, after 
 moiling all day up and down hill, working back, shoulders, 
 loins, and lungs, is faute de mieux the next thing to an 
 arm-chair ; so we lit our cigars, and steamed away merrUy, 
 beguiling the distance with many a pleasant jest and oft- 
 told tale. 
 
336 SCOTLAND AND TEB M00B8 
 
 "Ye will see where there is a grey rock above yon 
 knowe, wast of the birches — no, ye will not see the grey 
 rock, but ye will see a bare place in the heather, Aweel," 
 began Sandy, between the puffs of the shortest and blackest 
 of cutty-pipes, which seemed to grow to his teeth; and 
 forthwith he related to us a plaintive tale, which, tragical 
 as was its termination, was somewhat spoiled in the 
 sentiment to his hearers by the language in which it 
 was couched, being translated into the "other tongue," 
 as Sandy called it, out of the metaphorical dialect of 
 Ossian; but the substance of his story was melancholy 
 enough. It appears that when Sandy was a "bit laddie," 
 as he called it, there were two brothers of the name of 
 Connell living in the Glen : stout, active hill-men were they 
 both, and employed in looking after the game, destroying 
 the vermin, and keeping down the rabbits. John — or 
 "Dark John," as they called him — the eldest, was a 
 wild, headstrong, good-humoured fellow, with but little 
 of the proverbial caution of his nation, and a tendency 
 to fan and frolic, of which even an Irishman need not 
 have been ashamed. There was not his equal in the 
 Strath at putting the stone, tossing the " caber," dancing 
 the Highland fling, and all the other accomplishments of 
 a mountaineer! whilst, Angus, the younger one, was of 
 a more reflective turn of mind, and delighted in passing 
 his hours alone upon the hill, or wandering by the loch. 
 He was supposed to know most concerning the habits of 
 deer, to be the wariest stalker, and the best fisherman 
 of all the inhabitants of the Strath; and a good-looking, 
 quiet lad he was, with a degree of determination and pluck 
 concealed beneath his mild exterior that a stranger would 
 hardly have given him credit for. In fact, Sandy, who 
 knew them both, was of opinion that, where "heart," as 
 he called it, was wanted — signifying courage — Aiigus 
 was more " to lippen to " {Anglice, to be depended on) 
 than his boisterous brother. The fair sex were not so 
 very plentiful in the glen, and most of the specimens were 
 somewhat tough, smoke-dried, and stricken in years ; but 
 Agnes, the daughter of old Peter Cameron, the publican, 
 needed not such foUs as the ancient crones about her to 
 be reckoned the flower of the whole country-side. At kirk 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 387 
 
 and market Agnes was the acknowledged beauty, and as 
 good as she was bonny. Many a lad, both up and down 
 the glen, was sighing for Agnes : but she never so much as 
 looked over her shoulder at one of them : and although a 
 lassie that knew her most intimately affirmed, as she told 
 Sandy, that dark John Connell was the fortunate suitor 
 it was certain that no one had ever seen her bestow the 
 slightest mark of her favour on the jovial forester, nor had 
 that worthy himself ever been heard to boast that Agnes 
 would come to his whistle, as he called it — a note which, 
 by his own account, caused half the lasses in broad Scot- 
 land to come trooping over moss and heather in his wake. 
 Nevertheless, Dark John was the man ; and in vain did 
 the gentle Angus, whose heart had been long given to this 
 mountain-daisy, woo and strive to win her in his homely 
 way. Who can explain the wayward causes of a woman's 
 fancy? John, who was not much given to the softer 
 emotions, liked the lass well enough, as he himself said, 
 and it is certain that he respected her more than the rest 
 of her sex ; but as for the sort of passionate love wlych she 
 had conceived for him, and which poor Angus suffered for 
 her, he had it not to give. Things went on in this way, 
 somewhat after the fashion of Stone's popular picture of 
 " Cross Piuposes," till poor Angus, wearied with his un- 
 successftj suit, heart-sick and desolate, determined to 
 "take the shilling," and strive to forget his love and his 
 native glens in the columns of the gallant — ^th High- 
 landers, then quartered in a town some thirty miles over 
 the hills from his abode. It was during the heat of the 
 war; and there was no fear of a stalwart, clean-liriibed 
 youth like poor Angus being refused. Everything was 
 settled for his departure ; and one fine morning in October, 
 the embryo soldier started off on his career, accompanied 
 by his brother, to see him over the first few miles of his 
 journey. They were the hest of friends, those two ; not 
 even the affection borne by the one for her who loved 
 the other, had been able to sow dissension between the 
 brothers; and often had the elder, in his rough, good- 
 humouted way, endeavoured to dissuade Angus from his 
 purpose of enlisting. They started, accordingly, like true 
 Highlanders, "shoulder to shoulder" — Angus more 
 
 23 
 
338 SCOTLAND AND THE MOOES 
 
 cheerful than he had been for months, and John, with 
 his gun poised on his broad shoulder, and his brother's 
 bundle in his hand, careless, merry, and swaggering as 
 usual. Sandy saw them as they passed his bothy. AJas ! 
 he never saw either of them again alive. The following 
 morning, he went through the knoll of birches he had 
 pointed out to me, to look at his traps ; and his attention 
 was arrested by some hoodie-crows circling and wheeling 
 in the air over an object in the heather some distance 
 ahead of him. He walked on, thinking it might be a 
 dead sheep, or some stricken stag who had staggered 
 there from the forest with his death-wound. Imagine 
 how his blood curdled when he came upon the body of 
 Dark John lying stiff and stark, with his gun by his side ! 
 The whole charge had passed through his broad chest, 
 in a wound you might have put your hand in, and he had 
 been dead several hours. Sandy carried him on his back 
 to his father's house ; and as an over-ruling Providence 
 willed it, the first person he met was Agnes Cameron, 
 as he toiled down the path with his ghastly burden. 
 Often has he prayed that never again might he hear 
 such a scream as burst from that poor girl's throat. It 
 was too much for a woman to bear ; and when at length 
 Sandy succeeded in getting some assistance, they carried 
 her home a raving maniac. With the wildest gestures, 
 she denounced Angus as the murderer of his brother — 
 " her John, Dark John, the loved of her heart." She 
 would share his grave — was he not her own ? And then, 
 with bursts of fearful laughter, she spoke of him as still 
 alive, merry, and dancing at their wedding ; and called to 
 her father, and the minister, and her neighbours, to see 
 how happy she was. Happy, poor girl ! before another 
 autumn shed its leaves, she was at rest in her grave; 
 and many an eye was wet, and many a cheek pale, 
 amongst the kind-hearted mountaineers who bore her to 
 her last home. Many were the different opinions in the 
 glen as to the cause of poor John Connell's death ; but he 
 who could alone have cleared it up was drowned some two 
 months afterwards, in embarking for foreign service; and 
 the simple and primitive inhabitants of the glen had no 
 means of knowing whether Angus had ever been made 
 
SCOTLAND AND TEE MOOBS 839 
 
 aware of his brother's death, or whether he knew too well 
 that brother's fate, and sank into the ocean stained with 
 a brother's blood. I must say for Sandy that he pnt the 
 more charitable construction upon the facts, and seemed 
 to look upon the catastrophe as an accident that must have 
 happened after the brothers had parted, as it proved, for 
 ever. 
 
 Ere the story was concluded, we were long past the spot 
 that Sandy had first pointed out to us ; and before we had 
 done discussing the details of the tragedy, the lights were 
 twinkling in the lodge in front of us ; and thus ended my 
 first day's sport in the Highlands of Scotland. 
 
CHAPTEK m 
 
 Bold Bobin Hood was a forester good, 
 As ever drew bow in a merry green wood, 
 And the wild deer we'll foUow, we'll follow, 
 The wUd deer we'U follow. 
 
 Old EngUah Glee. 
 
 Then let the stricken deer go weep. 
 
 The hart ungalled play, 
 For some must watch while others sleep ; 
 
 Thus wags the world away. 
 
 Shaeesfebe. 
 
 " I can't see them, Beeswing. How many are there? " 
 
 " You are looking a mile too far; carry your eye over the 
 bum ; have you got the upright stone above that bare place? 
 now then, a little to the right of that." 
 
 Following these directions with a hand not over steady, 
 I caught a glimpse of a moving object in the field of my 
 " DoUand," and then after dancing the horizon up and 
 down in my glass a good deal, I got fairly steadied on the 
 objects I wished to study ; two, three, all stags ; another 
 getting up, a hind evidently ; and moving the prospect a 
 little further to the right, I made out two or three more of 
 the weaker sex, apparently somewhat restless, and feeding 
 only at intervals, one head out of the lot being always in 
 the air. I turned to Beeswing, eager to be at them ; but 
 to my surprise, and somewhat to my disgust, he had 
 calmly sat down upon the heather with his glass shut 
 up, and the air of a man who did not mean moving yet 
 awhile, at all events. I looked at the forester who that 
 day was to be the guide of my destiny. He was quietly 
 lighting his pipe with his back to us, and appeared to 
 concentrate all his energies on that soothing task. 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 341 
 
 " Well," I said, rather impatiently, " why can't we get 
 at these fellows ? they are not very far, and nothing can 
 be easier than to get into that broken ground and stalk 
 them." 
 
 " Festind lente, my good fellow?" was Beeswing's 
 sagacious reply; "those hinds are very restless; I fancy 
 there must be more deer that we cannot see that have the 
 wind of us; they have probably moved, and our Mends 
 opposite can see them. Now, M'Cormick, who is, as you 
 say, a man of few words, when he has finished his pipe 
 will crawl forward to yonder brow, whence he will get what 
 he calls a fine view down the glen, and when he comes back 
 we shall know better what to do. In the mean time we are 
 as well here as anywhere, and if you like to smoke you 
 may puff away with a good conscience and this consolatory 
 reflection, that if the deer can wind the tobacco they can 
 wind yon, and the latter odour is the most likely to disturb 
 them of the two." 
 
 Whilst James M'Cormick, the forester, is crawling to 
 the brow aforesaid, and ruminating there upon his stomach, 
 I will explain how an humble iu£vidual like myself came 
 to be enjoying the princely sport of deer-stalking in one of 
 the finest forests in Scotland. 
 
 One Simday, early in September, we had attended our 
 parish church as usual — an excellent habit, which except 
 from stress of weather we never broke through, although 
 the distance was an honest seven miles from the lodge. 
 Coming out of the kirk we met a hospitable chieftain whom 
 Beeswing and myself had both known in the south, and 
 whose stalwart firame I have seen carried in no mean place 
 over the grassy hills of Leicestershire, which probably 
 appear a dead fiat to a Highlander. With all the 
 hospitality of his nation, and the kindness peculiar to 
 himself, he begged us to come over to him and kill 
 stags, shoot grouse and roe-deer, drink claret, and eat 
 venison for as long as we could make it convenient to 
 stay. Our engagements prevented our availing ourselves 
 of his invitation that week, and his own unavoidable 
 absence fi:om home prevented our now doing justice to 
 his hospitality, save as far as the forest was concerned, 
 and in that he had insisted we should have a day at any 
 
842 SCOTLAND AND THE M00B3 
 
 rate. Accordingly that morning Beeswing and I, accom- 
 panied by the faithful Sandy and one of the ponies, had 
 started at early dawn for the forest, and after seeing the 
 mist clear away, and speculating on the beauty of the 
 sunrise, had it not been so shrouded, we arrived at the 
 trysting place, where we found our silent friend, James 
 M'Cormick, the chieftain's principal forester, smoking the 
 pipe of contemplation on the rock of silence. No Indian 
 warrior could be more stoically immovable than this 
 " shaUager" of the north; I think, during the whole 
 day, the words that passed his lips might have been 
 counted on my fingers; and his second in command, a 
 hard-featured personage with a grey eye, grey hair, grey 
 whiskers, grey clothes, and a grey pipe, seemed to emulate 
 the discretion of his chief. I afterwards found that the 
 tongue of the latter gentleman was to be loosened by an 
 occasional sip from my flask, but all the whisky of Loch- 
 nagar would not have oiled M'Cormick into rhetorical trim. 
 After the most respectful greetings on our part, and a 
 Gaelic salutation from Sandy, replied to by the great man 
 in a guttural monosyllable, we proceeded to our work. 
 First of all we walked up a steep hill at a very merry 
 pace, following our silent guide in Indian file ; and after 
 we were sufficiently blown to render such a proceeding 
 most acceptable, we called a halt, and the wizard, looking 
 sagaciously about him, plucked a handful of heather 
 blossoms and threw them into the air to ascertain how 
 the wind blew. This appeared a sufficient reason for 
 walking down the hill again and half way up another, 
 when, to my delight, we turned aside in to a corrie and 
 stopped once more. Here the same natural dog-vane was 
 again made use of, but this time the blossoms floated the 
 wrong way, and we were accordingly led in the same 
 cautious manner right up an almost precipitous ascent at 
 the same pace as before — I should say a good five miles 
 an hour. How blown I was! and when I had panted 
 myself into a recovery, and addressed a polite observation 
 to M'Cormick relative to the fineness of the weather, if 
 I remember aright, the look of contempt with which my 
 observation was received by the Gael effectually prevented 
 my making any further advances towards his confidence, 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 343 
 
 and I made up my mind that, come what might, unbroken 
 silence and implicit obedience were to be the order of the 
 day. One or two more halts only led to one or two more 
 breathers, and I was not sorry when a cairn of stones, 
 evidently put up for the purpose on the brow of a wide 
 descent, and commanding an uninterrupted view of the 
 mountain opposite, promised us a resting place. Here it 
 was that we caught our first view of the deer before 
 mentioned, and here we waited patiently till our oracular 
 guide should have completed his survey and decided upon 
 his plan of operations. 
 
 It appeared that the rest of the deer, which we thought 
 might have winded us, were too far " wast " to have been 
 influenced by our presence, and our friends opposite con- 
 tinuing to feed on most contentedly, it was decided that we 
 should proceed to circumvent them at any rate ; but there 
 was a stag in the other parcel which M'Cormick had seen, 
 that the chief was most anxious to get, from the peculiarity 
 of his head : he had no antlers but the two brow ones, his 
 horns being totally devoid of points, and, when seen side- 
 ways like those of an antelope. The forester had recognised 
 him in an instant, and as he was a large heavy deer it was 
 advisable to get him. After a low conversation in Gaelic, 
 in which Sandy was called in to council, it was arranged 
 that James M'Cormick should take charge of Mr. Nogo, 
 and endeavour to bring him within killing distance of the 
 original parcel, in which there were two very fine stags ; 
 whilst Beeswing, attended by the grey man and Sandy, was 
 to do his " possible " towards bringing home the singular 
 head which was destined to decorate the chieftain's halls. 
 This decision having been come to, I was forcibly divested 
 of my rifle (a double-barrel that only wanted to be held 
 straight like the rest of them), and after a brief fare- 
 well to Beeswing I was marched oflf in the custody of 
 M'Cormick, apparently in the contrary direction to that in 
 which my destined victims lay. 
 
 It appears to me that the pleasures of deer-stalking would 
 be materially enhanced by some slight insight into the 
 principles on which the sport is conducted, or, if I may so 
 caU it, into the " rules of the game." Here I was striding 
 away after a little round-shouldered Highlander, turning 
 
344 SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 
 
 when he turned, crouching when he crouched, and running, 
 leaping, crawling, and wading, like the shadow of my con- 
 ductor, who aU the time seemed to imply by his manner 
 that I was the same sort of incumbrance to him that a 
 kettle proverbially is when attached to a dog's tail ; and all 
 this without my having the slightest idea where I was going, 
 what we were striving to do, or how all these mysterious 
 evolutions were to bring us any nearer the object of our 
 " chasse." I can conceive that to go out by yourself to 
 look for deer, and then to stalk and bring down the " fattest 
 i' the forest " by your own unaided sagacity, must be one 
 of the greatest and most exciting of all triumphs connected 
 vnth "gun-sporting." I do know one gentleman who is in 
 the habit of " stalking for himself," but he is a man endued 
 with talents that fall to the lot of few ; and unequalled as 
 he is in his profession, he is almost as distinguished in the 
 deer forest, the hunting field, or the river. He " kens the 
 wiles of dun deer-staliing " as well as Donald Caird him- 
 self ; but I believe that to the generality of sportsmen the 
 extremely accurate knowledge required of every inch of a 
 large extent of ground is the insuperable difficulty, a know- 
 ledge seldom gained but by one who has been brought up 
 in the forest, and hence the necessity for a leader or dry- 
 nurse in this most popular sport. But in the meantime 
 down goes M'Cormick as if he had been shot, with a wave 
 of his hand much like that with which Sandy signalises 
 Kedger to "back," and readUy as that well-drilled pointer 
 I imitate his motions. Once he looks round, and in the 
 face which I see under his arm, there beams forth at length 
 something like a spark of excitement. What a catching 
 thing that same excitement is ! I feel my heart begin 
 to beat and my hand to shake, though my prospect is 
 bounded by the nail-studded soles of M'Cormick's shoes. 
 "Doon, doon; bide you there; " and with head bent low 
 towards the heather, and a half-nervous inclination to 
 laugh, I lie impatient, watching thd proceedings of the 
 artist. Carefully, warily, and cat-like, he crawls to where 
 the heather is growing thick and bushy, some fifteen yards 
 ahead of me. Often stops he, and stealthily creeps on to 
 the wished-for spot ; once he looks back at his charge, but 
 though shaking with impatience I lie quiet as a mouse. 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE MOOES 345 
 
 Now pushing the tufts of heather aside, his body prone 
 upon the earth, he raises his head an inch, an inch and 
 a-half; then watches, gazing motionless, as if turned to 
 stone. Once only I saw an involuntary motion of the hand 
 towards the glass ; but no, it woujd make too much noise, 
 and they are probably so near that it is not worth while to 
 use the telescope. Will he never come back ? At length 
 he has looked his fill, and cautiously and stealthily as 
 before he crawls first backwards, then sideways, crablike, 
 but ever noiselessly, to the spot where he has left me. 
 With one finger he beckons, and I follow. Serpentlike is 
 the advance, as before. Well might Falstaff say that 
 " eight yards of uneven ground were three-score mUes and 
 ten " to him, for in those few yards how many ideas came 
 rushing through my brain! the few seconds it took to 
 accomplish them seemed like hours. And now we reach 
 the reconnoitring-spot ; and drawing me alongside of him, 
 M'Cormick places the rifle, long since uncased, in my 
 trembling hands, with the short and pithy injunction, " Tak 
 time ! " — ^words that should be written in letters of gold. 
 My brain is in a whirl, but I have sense enough left to 
 know I had better have a good view of them before I think 
 of firing, and I part the heather with my hands to take my 
 first look at a red-deer on such intimate terms. What a 
 glorious fellow, feeding unsuspiciously, broadside on to me, 
 and not seventy yards off ! He looks as big as a cow, and 
 much lighter in colour than I had fancied from seeing deer 
 at a distance, and through a glass. Surely I shall not 
 miss him. Somehow I feel cooler now, and stretch back 
 my arm for my rifle ; though I never heard the click, Sandy 
 has given it me cocked. How silent everything is ! I can 
 hear my own breathing and my heart beating. Not another 
 sound in the waste about me. Firmly I press the butt to 
 my shoulder, and remembering Purdy's oft-told directions, 
 I cover him scientifically, beginning at the knee, and so up 
 the fore-leg to the shoulder ; but no, it will not do, the 
 sight of my rifle is dancing up and down, now over his back, 
 now under his belly, I fear a hand, at no time over steady, 
 is now shaking like an aspen leaf. " Tak time ! " I think 
 of that watch-word, and determine to be deadly. I will 
 give myself two or three minutes to recover, and remain in 
 
346 SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 
 
 readiness with my rifle to my shoulder ; but see, he raises 
 his head ; in another moment he may move to a less favour- 
 able position. Again the sight travels &om the knee to 
 behiud the shoulder; again I feel that I am too hurried, but 
 this time mortal finger will bear the suspense no longer, and 
 the trigger is drawn. Crack ! it is over. Can that be the 
 thvd I have heard deer-stalkers describe — ^the hollow dead 
 sound of the well-directed ball ? I fear not, for see, they 
 are dancing away towards the hill, apparently not going 
 very fast, pitching and lurching along much at their ease, 
 and not at all as if they were frightened. My fellow is in 
 the rear ; can he be wounded and lagging behind ? no, he 
 joins the others, and now they all turn to the right, and re- 
 crossing a small bum appear to be coming back to us. 
 M'Cormick, who has been looking through his glass with 
 a satisfied air that ought to have convinced me I had made 
 a clean miss, the next best thing at all times to a " clean 
 shot," shuts up his glass in a twinkling, loads my rifle in 
 double quick time, and without a word of explanation, but 
 almost imperceptibly signing to me to follow, dashes away 
 over the moor, making furious running in a diagonal 
 direction up the hill, bounding over the mosses like a 
 tennis-ball, whilst I labour breathlessly in his rear, eyes 
 watering, head swimming, and knees shaking, but inwardly 
 trusting that all these exertions may in some way lead to 
 the retrieval of my character as a sportsman. How I got 
 up that hill, or how I contrived to wait upon the sinewy 
 little Highlander in that severe race, I have never been 
 able to conceive. Fortunately my rifle was a heavy double- 
 barrelled one, and as he carried the fire-arms, it may be 
 that the weight brought us somewhat together. However, 
 this forced handicap at length came to an end ; and when I 
 threw myself prostrate by my leader, where he had quietly 
 sat himself down and was pressing the caps more firmly on 
 my rifle, I found that, strategist as he was, he had con- 
 ducted me to a pass up which his sagacity and experience 
 informed him our deer were almost certain to make ; and 
 not only these, but also a large herd that had been dis- 
 turbed by the flight of their friends, and who incontinently 
 made for this well-known passage. Long before they 
 appeared I, heard them coming; quicker and louder was the 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 347 
 
 tramp; I even heard them blowing like so many over- 
 driven sheep, and at last up the steep they charged " en 
 masse." The run in for the Great Yorkshire Handicap 
 would have hardly made more noise. I picked out a big 
 one in obedience to Sandy's " Noo, noo ; " but whether the 
 pace deceived me, or the excitement was too much for me, 
 I know not ; I have only reason to believe the billet appro- 
 priated to my bullet was drawn upon mother earth. The 
 second barrel, however, was more fortunate ; as, although a 
 regard for truth forces me to confess, I fired into "the 
 brown of them," it lodged just behind the shoulder of a 
 very fair-sized, decent sort of stag — ^by no means one of the 
 finest, but an average sort of fellow, that weighed some 
 twelve stone after he was " gralloched." Poor fellow! I 
 thought of Jaques and his " dappled fool " — a disrespectful 
 epithet for so noble an animal — as he tried in vain to 
 stagger on with the rest of the herd. Soon he stopped, 
 sickening; and ere the rifle was again loaded, he was 
 prostrate in the heather, kicking convulsively on his back. 
 
 It was a moment of triimiph, when M'Cormick, running 
 up to the dead deer, putting his knife in his throat — a piece 
 of carving which I declined the honour of performing — ^pro- 
 ceeded to gralloch him secimdwrn a/rtem, and pronounced 
 him a " fine fat beastie," whilst I smoked a cigar by his 
 side, and persuaded myself I had killed him most artistically. 
 His head was his worst part, numbering but few points ; 
 however, he would doubtless have had a very fine one in 
 a year or two, had he been spared, as M'Cormick remarked 
 for my consolation. Triumphant as I was, I could not help 
 feeling something akin to remorse at what I had done — this 
 morning bounding over the moor in vigour and beauty, and 
 now stretched upon the heather " a slovenly unhandsome 
 corse." So it ever is ; an alloy must be mixed with all 
 earthly pleasures, and in shooting more especially : it is 
 difficult to say what is the moment of enjoyment, though 
 the fascination of the pursuit on the whole is undeniable. 
 
 " Well, M'Cormick, another sup from the flask, and then 
 we shall be better able to decide upon our future proceed- 
 ings." 
 
 A long and unsuccessful stalk, spoilt by putting up an 
 envious old cock-grouse just as we were getting within 
 
348 SCOTLAND AND TEE M00B8 
 
 shot, brought us nearly to the twilight hour, and darkness 
 had closed upon the mountains ere we reached the forester's 
 lodge, where we met Beeswdng and his companions glorying 
 in the downfall of two fine stags ; the one a royal one, the 
 other the antelope-headed hart that had been coveted so 
 long. An enthusiast in stalking, as in all other sports, I 
 had better give a detail of his adventures in his own words, 
 which served to beguile our long and wearisome journey 
 home, performed in the primitive fashion usually called 
 "ride and tie." 
 
 " After I left you," said Beeswing, " the parcel of deer 
 that we had made up our mind to circumvent shifted 
 their position, and, moving up the hiU to some very 
 rugged ground, gave us a capital opportunity of coming 
 in above them, and so getting more easily within shot. 
 After a council of war and a good look at the ground, 
 we determined to move cautiously down the burn that 
 you remember remarking, then along the wood at the 
 bottom of the glen, and so, by a wide circuit over the 
 tops, keep our advantage of the wind, and make a pretty 
 sure, though a long and tedious stalk. Accordingly, 
 down the course of the burn we went, creeping on our 
 hands and knees, and occasionally stopping and taking a 
 look through the glasses to see that the deer had not 
 moved. All was most favourable, the wind was quite 
 steady from the same quarter as before, and the deer 
 appeared to have no idea of changing their ground. At 
 last we reached the river at the bottom of the glen, and, 
 after fording it, proceeded to walk in a more comfortable 
 attitude through those magnificent old firs that fringe the 
 water all the way down its course. You, who are fond of 
 scenery, would have been delighted with it. All round us 
 the giant fir-trees were standing in every kind of position, 
 rugged and magnificent as the mountain that overtopped 
 them. Beneath our feet the river was brawling and 
 rippling its course towards the western loch ; and when- 
 ever we got a glimpse of the far distance through a vista in 
 the dark pine wood, our view was shut in by the ^ monarch 
 of mountains,' rearing its conical-shaped head towards the 
 heavens, and blue as the summer sky into which he seemed 
 to melt. I confess I walked along so absorbed in the wild 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE MOOBS 349 
 
 charms of the scene, that deerstalking was the last thing I 
 thought about, and 1 got into the realms of fancy as far as 
 the Eocky Mountains and the peaks of the Himalayas (in 
 both of which ranges, as in many other places, I have 
 wasted my time), till I was recalled to the business in 
 hand by a whisper from the cautious Sandy to the grey 
 man, which, when rendered into the Saxon, signified that 
 it was quite possible to come upon deer in the wood, and 
 that the gentleman (meaning me) had been * here before.' 
 This significant hint was not lost upon grey Donald, 
 and our order of march was resumed with the caution 
 so necessary where deer are concerned, and which we 
 had all laid aside for a time, to enjoy the luxury of 
 straightening our backs and stretching our limbs after 
 our transit down the bum. As the wood got thicker we 
 moved more stealthily, and I remarked in one or two mossy 
 places the tracks of deer, evidently quite fresh, and from 
 one of the prints on a sandy spot at the water's edge, it 
 was evident that a large heavy deer had been there this 
 morning. I was sure we all drew the same conclusion, 
 though not a word or sign did we exchange ; but I thought 
 the grey man's caution was redoubled, and Sandy kept 
 turning a piece of heather round his brown fingers, as 
 he always does under strong excitement. Suddenly 
 Donald stopped, and ere he could turn to me, the same 
 object brought me down upon my marrow-bones in a 
 twinkling. There in front of us, not sixty yards off, and 
 fast asleep, lay a magnificent dark-coloured stag, with a 
 royal head to all appearance, and not a sentry near him in 
 the shape of hind or companion. We could see his great 
 brown side and one of his horns ; but from where we lay, it 
 was impossible to cover a vital place. Without exchanging 
 a syllable, Donald and I simultaneously pointed to a soft 
 boggy place about twenty yards below us, where we should 
 be more under cover, and probably be able to get a better 
 view of him, while at the same time we should increase the 
 distance but little. You may suppose that extreme caution 
 was required to shift our ambush, and once during the 
 operation he lifted his head ; like Medusa's, it turned us 
 for the moment to stone, and ere I had time to count his 
 points, for I could see him quite plain through some 
 
350 SCOTLAND AND TEE MOOBS 
 
 scrubby juniper, he sank to sleep again. Well, we got 
 to our lair at last ; and when we arrived there, we found 
 that he had shifted his attitude again, so that his back was 
 to us, and as long as his head was down it would be im- 
 possible to accoimtfor him. There was nothing for it but 
 patience ; we were in the best possible position should he 
 get up, and We dared not risk another move for fear of 
 disturbing him, more particularly as we could not be 
 certain that there were no othet deer in his vicinity. I 
 contrived to look at my watch, and you may imagine how 
 long the time must have appeared when I tell you that we 
 waited there quite an hour — ^what a nap he must have had ! 
 I had determined in my own mind not to give him longer 
 than that, and there I lay, rifle cocked and finger on the 
 trigger, biding my time. Very few events happened to 
 beguile the weary minutes : once a couple of wild ducks 
 soared over our heads high up in the sky, and once I 
 fancied I caught the sound of the trampling of deer, but 
 faint and indistinct, and producing no effect on my sleepy 
 friend. A passing cloud gave us the benefit of its contents, 
 but we bore its wrath even more philosophically than 
 Socrates did his ducking from Xanthippe, and soon the 
 sun shone bright as ever again. At last, time was up, 
 and I determined, come what might, to rouse my royal 
 victim. Cautiously and slowly I covered the spot where 
 his head should be, and, when I had secured my range, 
 gave a long shrill whistle, such as I have heard accompany 
 the vociferous demand for music shouted by the Olympic 
 gods of modern times : as I anticipated, up went his head 
 to listen, the back of it between the horns completing the 
 straight line of which I had got the first two points with the 
 sight and notch of my rifle. That instant I pressed the 
 trigger, and with a bound into the air the glorious fellow 
 turned over aild lay motionless upon his last resting-place. 
 We gralloched hitn on the spot, and left him there to be 
 brought home this evening. His head was a particularly 
 fine one — royal, having twelve points, and the three topmost 
 forming a cup on each side quite ' en regie.' His antlers 
 were magnificent, spreading almost into a semi-circle, and, 
 in short, one of the finest heads I ever saw. We poured 
 an appropriate libation, in the shape of a dram, down each 
 
SCOTLAND AND THE M00B8 851 
 
 of our throats ; and whilst the disembowelling process went 
 on, I found the grey man became much more communicative. 
 It appears that he knew me by name, having been employed 
 in a large and well-known forest where I used to stalk a 
 good deal, though I had never actually been out with him ; 
 and amongst other matters connected with deer, he told me 
 one curious fact, which proves how strong the vital principle 
 must be in the wild animal : — 
 
 " His former noble master — ^whose coronet should have 
 borne the heather-blossom proper, interlaced with its own 
 strawberry leaves, so fond was he of ' the hill,' and so 
 untiring and successful a deer-stalker — had shot a fine 
 stag through the heart, one day at the commencement 
 of the season. On opening him the duke's bullet was 
 found, as might have been expected, having passed right 
 through the heart and caused instantaneous death; but, 
 mirabile dictu, another ball was likewise discovered 
 actually embedded in the fleshy part of that vital region, 
 which firom its appearance must have been there a con- 
 siderable time, "blether the deer had actually been shot 
 in the spot where the bullet was found, or whether it had 
 worked its way gradually from a woimd in some other part 
 of the body, it is impossible to say ; but I believe this is the 
 only instance of an animal surviving the contact of a foreign 
 substance, such as lead, with its heart. if 
 
 " Well, this being entirely an extra performance, and a 
 piece of unlooked-for good fortune, I gave my auxiliaries an 
 additional sup, and we then proceeded to stalk the original 
 herd that we had seen from * the cairn.' We had, of course, 
 to take a fresh observation, and found that they had again 
 moved, and were apparently somewhat restless ; the conse- 
 quence was that we had a most severe stalk. Once, when 
 we were getting near them, they moved across a corrie 
 in a manner that obliged us to enter upon a new system of 
 operation. Another time the wind changed, and we had 
 to begin over again, thinking ourselves lucky that they did 
 not discover us ; at last we got well above them, and into 
 some pretty good ground, that bid fair to bring us within 
 distance unobserved. Everything was propitious, and we 
 had advanced to, as near as I could guess, about one 
 hundred and fifty yards from them, when we distinctly 
 
352 SCOTLAND AND TEE MOOBS 
 
 heard them move. It was impQSsible to say what had 
 disturbed them, but disturbed they certainly were, and 
 the only thing to be done was to nish forward to the 
 brow that we were making for, and take the chance of 
 a wild shot. A hundred yard^ did it, and never in my 
 life did I go such a pace — ^up'hill too. When I got to 
 the brow they were lurching away over a moss, some 
 three himdred yards below ; but, 'fortunati nimivm,' one 
 fat heavy fellow 'had loitered behind the herd, and had 
 stopped to rub his horns against a scraggy dead tree 
 that stood out in the foreground — there never was such 
 a piece of luck: it was the antelope head. Down I 
 squatted upon the heather, got a 'r6st upon my knee, 
 took lots of elevation, for I had hardly time to put up 
 my second sight ; and blown as I was, I shot him right 
 through the .heart — ' more by good luck than good manage- 
 ment ' — but I was delighted to get him, and I think altogether 
 'this has been one of the most satisfactory days at deer that 
 I have ever enjoyed." 
 
 UNWIN BROTHERS, LIMITED, THE GRESHAM PRESS, WOKING AND LONDON.