ADiES IN Parliament 
 
 -JORACE ATy\THENS 
 
 AND OTHER PlECES 
 
 Sir G. 0. Trevelvan 
 
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The original of tliis bool< is in 
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 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924013564764 
 
THE 
 
 LADIES IN PAELIAMENT 
 
 AND OTHER PIECES., 
 
 EEPVBLISHED WITH ADDITIONS AND 
 ANNOTATIONS. 
 
 •./ff^, 
 
 BY 
 
 Gr O.^TRBVBLTAN, 
 
 LATE SCHOLAR OP THINITT COLLEGE, OAMBKIDQB, AND AUTHOR 
 or THE " COMPETITION WALLAH." 
 
 NEW ED/TION. 
 
 LONDON: GEORGE BELL AND SONS 
 
 YOBK STBEET, COVENT GAEDEN 
 
 1888 
 
CHISWICK PRESS : — C. WHITTINGHAM AND CO., TOOKS COURT, 
 CHANCERY LANE. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 THE appearance of this little book was originally due 
 to the demand which the commencement of each 
 TJniversity year stiU brings with it for some Cambridge 
 squibs published for the most part in and near the year 
 1858 by a student of Trinity College. The collection was 
 taken in hand with the double purpose that those which 
 are here inserted may be attainable in a conyenient form, 
 and that those which are omitted may perish utterly. 
 Readers will excuse the youthfulness of productions written 
 exclusively for the undergraduate market. The other 
 pieces in the volume need, but cannot in an equal measure 
 claim, the same indulgence. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 FAOB 
 
 The Ladies in Parliament : A Fearment . . . 1 
 
 HOHACB AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AtHEHS 29 
 
 The Cambridge Dionysia : A Classic Deeam ... 59 
 
 The Dawk Bungalow ; os, Is his Appointment PnCKA ? . 77 
 
 A Holiday among bomb Old Friends ]20 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 A FRAGMENT AFTER THE MANNER OF AN OLD 
 ATHENIAN COMEDY. 
 
 THE Ladies in Paeliament was comj)osed during the 
 great agitation which followed the rejection of Mr. 
 Gladstone's Keform Bill of 1866. The piece was at first 
 intended to be a modern and decent EcclesiazusaB : not 
 such an imitation as would satisfy the scholar ; but such as 
 would give to him who, for want of a better, goes by the 
 name of the general reader, some notion of how a Grreek 
 Comedian might have written, when at his very worst, if 
 he had lived in the days of chignons and female suffrage. 
 The idea of producing something that should be Aristo- 
 phanic from end to end fell through ; chiefly, no doubt, 
 from the inability of the author : but in part also because 
 the simplicity which is so quaint and pretty in Attic be- 
 comes childish in English. Nor should it be forgotten that 
 London society is too large to admit that minuteness of 
 allusion which was possible in days when a small and 
 highly cultivated community supplied the poet with his 
 materials and his audience. There is, however, one pas- 
 sage which reflects something of the old Greek manner ; 
 that namely which begins "We much revere our sires;" 
 in which an attempt has been made to mimic the jovial 
 conservatism which goes rollicking through the long 
 swinging metres of Aristophanes. 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 Place — The South-east Angle of Berkeley Square. 
 
 Time — A Morning in July, 1866. 
 
 Lady Selina. Lady Matilda. 
 
 Lady Selina. — "Tis hard upon ten. Since a quarter to 
 eight 
 I've paced up and down within sight of the gate. 
 If only you knew what a storm of abuse 
 Five minutes ago was prepared for your use ! 
 But in your dear presence, I always have told you, 
 I can't find the heart or the language to scold you. 
 Well ! Now you are here, will you kindly explain 
 A question I frequently asked you in vain, 
 And tell me the cause of the constant depression 
 That weighs on your spirits this half of the session ? 
 You've not to my knowledge seen Phelps ia " Macbeth," 
 Nor suffered a recent bereavement by death : 
 From duns you're exempted : at doctors you scofi : 
 Tour son has got in, and your girls are got off. 
 Then why are you silent, abstracted, and odd, 
 And deaf to a whisper, and blind to a nod ? 
 And when you are spoken to what makes you start ? 
 And why do you hum as if learning by heart, 
 Like members whom sometimes I watch in the parks 
 Kehearsing a string of impromptu remarks. 
 For which, in the course of a week, they intend 
 To beg of the House its indulgence to lend ? 
 
 Lady Matilda. — Selina ! The time has arrived to impart 
 The covert design of my passionate heart. 
 No vulgar solicitudes torture my breast. 
 No common ambition deprives me of rest. 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 'Tis not for a mind of my texture to fret 
 
 Though half Westbourne Terrace the entree should got. 
 
 TFnenvied, my rival may labour to deck 
 
 Her trumpery ball with a glimpse of Prince Teck. 
 
 My soul is absorbed ia a scheme as sublime 
 
 As ever was carved on the tablets of time. 
 
 To-morrow, at latest, through London shall ring 
 
 The echo and crash of a notable thing. 
 
 I start from my fetters. I scorn to be dumb. 
 
 Sehna ! the Hour and the Woman are come. 
 
 Unless I'm deceived, through the railings I spy 
 The form of a trusty and valiant ally. 
 'Tis young Mr. Gay. Since at Brighton we met 
 He ranks as the leader and life of our set ; 
 For nothing, except what is useful, unfit ; 
 A dash of the poet, a touch of the wit. 
 A pet of the salon, the club, and the mess. 
 He knows he can write, and he thinks he can dress. 
 In Parliament, where he as yet is a dumb thiag. 
 He sits for the Northern Division of something. 
 
 [Enter Mr. Gat 
 
 Why, Charley, who ever would dream, I declare. 
 Of seeing your face at this hour in the square : — 
 Too late to be still on your way from a ball : 
 Too early for even an intimate call ? 
 And then so untidy ! I always can tell a 
 Preoccupied man by his tumbled umbrella. 
 And why is your brow with a shadow o'er cast ? 
 And why did you stare on the ground as you passed 
 With one of those bits of white card in your mouth 
 Which gentlemen smoke who have been in the South ? 
 
 Gay. — ^Dear ladies, be pleased to console with your pity 
 The slave of a tiresome election committee. 
 
4 THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 For this did I canvass, and promise, and flirt, 
 
 And drink so much sherry, and eat so much dirt ? 
 
 For this my unfortunate sister persuade 
 
 To dress in a bufE of most hideous shade 
 
 (Though yellow was just — the poor girl would object — 
 
 The very last tint that a blonde should select) ? 
 
 For this did I pay in my Published Expenses 
 
 A sum which affected my guardian's senses : 
 
 And what in Unpublished I venture to own 
 
 To my Eiecognised Agent and banker alone ? 
 
 For this did I stand on the hustings an hour. 
 
 My mouth full of egg, and my whiskers of flour. 
 
 Repeating in accents bewildered and hoarse 
 
 That sentence to which I have always recourse, 
 
 Whenever I come to the end of my tether, 
 
 About a strong pull and a pull altogether ? — 
 
 In order to sulk on a quorum of five. 
 
 Attempting to keep my attention alive 
 
 By wondering wherefore the witnesses past 
 
 Should each be more dirty and drunk than the last. 
 
 And whether the next one can possibly swear 
 
 To cooler untruths than the man in the chair : 
 
 Wbile over the window sill temptingly play 
 
 The blithe mocking beams of the beautiful day. 
 
 Which shine on the Eow, where in maidenly pride 
 
 She dashes along at her chaperon's side ! 
 
 Her tresses 
 
 Lady Matilda. — Excuse me. We have not to spare 
 The time to descant on her ladyship's hair. 
 The moment has come for the metre to change : 
 Since prudent stage-managers always arrange 
 At this point of the piece that the music should play, 
 For fear of impationt spectators, who say : 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 " These folks with, their prologue are likely to bore us. 
 Let's take a short nap, and wake up for the chorus." 
 
 \_Sings.] — As towards the City on the Shoreditch side 
 Above a dreary waste of tiles we glide, 
 Eejoicing that the Eastern Coast Express 
 Eor once has brought us home in time to dress. 
 Pale with the day-long labours of the woof 
 
 We see the weavers from their garrets crawl 
 To court the air of evening on the roof, 
 And their trained flocks of tumblers round them call :— 
 
 So I must modulate my throat, 
 
 And pitch a high and jocund note. 
 
 With melody the town to fill 
 
 From Regent's Park to Campden Hill, ' 
 
 And bid the doves together hurry 
 
 Who get their plumes from Mistress Murray : 
 
 Though certain little pigeons blue 
 
 Prefer the feathers of Descou. 
 
 Haste to my aid, nor deem the summons pert, 
 
 Te stately queens of fashion and of fame 
 Whose palaces in fair succession skirt 
 
 The park which from its colour takes a name : 
 And ye who dwell in Hill Street's ancient halls. 
 
 Where o'er the porch, whose oil-lamp faintly winks, 
 A rusted quaint extinguisher recalls 
 
 The bygone days of chairmen and of links ; 
 Or 'midst the pleasant back streets of the West 
 
 That lurk 'twixt Grrosvenor and Cadogan Place, 
 Where newly-married couples choose a nest, 
 
 And with the wedding-gifts their drawing-room grace ; 
 Or where, remote from senate and from court. 
 
 In vistas white of never-ending squares, 
 The pensioned Indian's undisturbed resort. 
 
 Par towards the setting sun Tyburnia's stucco glares. 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 Hither to the rescue, ladies ! 
 
 Let not fear your spirits vex. 
 On the plan by me that made is 
 
 Hangs the future of our sex. 
 No despised or feehle sister 
 
 Bids you rally for the strife. 
 This is one who never missed her 
 
 Opportunities in life : — 
 Who -with no misplaced ambition 
 
 Has her social flag unfurled, 
 And attained the proud position 
 
 Of a woman of the world. 
 
 Shall she, then, be left to mourn her 
 
 Isolation and her shame ? 
 Come in troops round Hyde Park Corner, 
 
 Every true Belgravian dame. 
 Don a light and simple toilette : 
 
 Or, if any doubt you feel 
 Lest the morning glare should soil it. 
 
 Come, O come, in deshabille ! 
 
 For the town is just awaking. 
 
 And you will not meet a soul. 
 Save, perhaps, Lord Chelmsford taking 
 
 His accustomed morning stroll ; 
 Or some swells who've chanced to linger 
 
 Over their cigars and chats. 
 Twirling latch-keys round their finger 
 
 As they loiter home from Pratt's.^ 
 
 Keep the route of Piccadilly, when your expedition starts : 
 Though the way be somewhat hilly, and the crossings 
 swarm with carts. 
 
 ' A fashionable evening club in the vicinity of Brooks's. 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 There on warm mid-season Sundays Fryston's bard is 
 
 pleased to wend, 
 Whom the Ridings trust and honour, freedom's staunch 
 
 and genial friend, 
 Known where shrewd hard-handed craftsmen cluster round 
 
 the Northern kilns — 
 He whom men style Baron Houghton, but the gods call 
 
 Dicky Milnes. 
 Lo ! the Duke with outstretched truncheon indicates your 
 
 line of march, 
 Motioning " TJp, girls, and at 'em ! " from the summit of 
 
 his arch. 
 Follow that luxurious pavement all along the Dandy's slope : 
 Past the spot where Tom and Jerry robbed the door of 
 
 Mr. Hope •} 
 Past the wall which screens the mansion, hallowed by a 
 
 mighty shade,^ 
 Where the cards were cut and shuffled when the game of 
 
 state was played. 
 Now in those world-noted chambers subalterns exchange 
 
 cheroots. 
 And with not ill-natured banter criticise each other's boots; 
 And a knot of young lieutenants at their new club entrance 
 
 lean 
 Little recking of the heroes who have stepped those gates 
 
 between. 
 Then in front of Francatelli's, where men never seem to 
 
 know 
 Whether they may take their sisters, turning towards the 
 
 left you go ; 
 
 ^ The reader may remember that a valuable knocker, which , with equal 
 taste and public spirit, Mr. Hope had placed upon his door in Piccadilly, 
 was some years ago abstracted by the Mohawks of the period. 
 
 ' Cambridge House, long the residence of Lord Palmerston, is now the 
 Naval and Military Club. 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 And in picking out the foot-track see that special care you 
 
 use, 
 Since the lane down which you walk is half a street and 
 
 half a mews. 
 Stay not till you reach the kerb-stone, where in Berkeley 
 
 Square I stand, 
 With the princely house of Lansdowne and an ice-shop on 
 
 each hand, 
 (Overlook a sHp of grammar sanctified by Byron's pen,) 
 Thinking out our liberation from the irksome rule of men ; 
 Peering back towards Lady Jersey's; twirling the expectant 
 
 thumb. 
 By our common hopes and fortunes I adjure you, sisters, 
 
 come ! 
 
 Enter a numher of Ladies. 
 
 Gay. — No passing whim, no crotchet vain and light, 
 Has snatched you, ladies, from your " Morning Post," 
 
 Whose columns with their tale of over-night 
 Give relish to a tiny plate of toast. 
 
 The hour is ripe an evU to debate 
 
 Which threatens over head and ears to souse 
 
 In seas of trouble this afflicted state 
 
 Lady Matilda, — I think we're just enough to form a 
 House, 
 And, as for Speaker, I have seldom seen a 
 More proper person than our friend Selina. 
 Tou, Charley, fetch the roller from the square, 
 And prop it up to represent her Chair. 
 Some pebbles underneath will keep it steady. 
 
 * Gay. — But where's the Wig ? 
 
 Lady Matilda. — She's got one on already. 
 m take my station on the fountain's base. 
 Which kind Lord Lansdowne gave our square to grace : 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 And when I think to -whom my seat I owe 
 
 I hope in eloquence to match with Lowe.' 
 
 The ministry, as decent is and fit, 
 
 Shall just in front along the pavement sit, 
 
 And try to look as if they did not mind 
 
 The buffets which assail them from behind. 
 
 We'll name a sensible and pleasant madam 
 
 To act for Brand, and some smart girl for Adam ; 
 
 Who, when the younger members steal away 
 To try the croquet hoops, or eat an ice. 
 Shall seize their skirts, and stop them in a trice, 
 
 And bid them either pair at once or stay. 
 
 1st Lady. — As from her agitation I imply 
 Matilda means to catch the Speaker's eye. 
 We used to notice, while together waiting 
 Behind the bars of Lord Charles Russell's grating. 
 That on the verge of any fine display 
 Men twist their feet in that uneasy way. 
 
 2nd Lady. — She's rising now, and taking off her bonnet. 
 And probably will end by sitting on it. 
 For oft, as sad experiences teach. 
 The novice, trembling from his maiden speech, 
 Drops flustered in his place, and crushes flat 
 His innocent and all-unconscious hat. 
 And my poor husband spoiled an evening suit 
 By plumping down amidst a heap of fruit 
 Which some admiring friend, his thirst to quench. 
 Had peeled beside him on the Treasury Bench. 
 
 Lady Matilda. — Since Britain first, to hear her charter 
 sung 
 In florid numbers by angelic tongue, 
 
 ' Mr. Lowe was then member for the borough of Calne, where Lord 
 Lansdowne's intlueDce was paramount. 
 
10 THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 At heaven's injunction left the azure deep : 
 Since acres, tine, and tenements, and sheep 
 Enrich the eldest, while the younger sons 
 Monopolize the talents and the duns : — 
 Since pretty Phillis first began to hook 
 Eeluctant shepherds with her maiden crook. 
 By female instinct taught to spurn the notes 
 Of Strephon's pipe for Damon's vine and goats : — 
 In every age, so rule the Powers above. 
 Maternal foresight makes a toil of love ; 
 From past repulses learns that all in vain 
 The net is spread in sight of any swain ; 
 And wins an up-hill battle, foot by foot, 
 From Introduction on to Question put. 
 
 I seek not then your conscience to perplex 
 With strictures on the mission of our sex. 
 No London mother ever yet repined 
 Beneath a burden shared by all her kind. 
 In one short line my grievance thus I'state : — 
 Our youngest girls come out a year too late. 
 For in the days when Pam retained the wheel 
 We knew the men with whom we had to deal. [Apjplause. 
 Then sucking statesmen seldom failed in seeing 
 The final cause and import of their being. 
 They dressed ; they drove a drag ; nor sought to shirk 
 Their portion of the matrimonial work. 
 They flocked to rout and drum by tens and twelves ; 
 Danced every dance ; and left their cards themselves. 
 While some obliging senatorial fag 
 Slipped their petitions in the Speaker's bag. 
 They charged their colleagues of maturer ages 
 With pushing local bills through all their stages ; 
 Consigned the dry routine of public life 
 To legislators furnished with a wife ; 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. \\ 
 
 And thought it much if once in twenty nights 
 They sauntered down to swell the party fights. 
 
 But now what fond regrets pervade my breast 
 To note a stripling, from some lofty nest 
 Of bright historic fame but lately fledged ; 
 To no loved object, save the ballot, pledged ; 
 By travel taught less sharply to recoil 
 From notions grown on Transatlantic soU ; 
 Weaned from the creed of all his kin and kith ; 
 On Bentham nursed, and fed on Groldwin Smith ; 
 And fresh from learning at the feet of Grote 
 How governors should rule and freemen vote ; 
 His one supreme intent, through woe and weal, 
 To hold by Gladstone as he held by Peel. 
 Erofined yet negligent ; for want of taste 
 In every groom's and valet's eyes disgraced; 
 Scorned by his tailor ; little apt to mind 
 Though fashion leave him half a year behind. 
 In social wiles unversed, a rumoured ball 
 Extracts from him no mild suggestive call : 
 Kor deigns he in the ranged quadrille to stand. 
 Unless to claim a fair constituent's hand 
 Or serve some party end ; and, if by chance 
 On one of our dear girls he wastes a dance, 
 She hears him wonder, 'midst the figure's pause. 
 How Coleridge will dispose of Heathcote's clause : 
 Dread words, which damp, beyond all power to scorch. 
 The match that might have kindled Hymen's torch. 
 
 And when at noon along the joyous Eow 
 The ceaseless streams of youth and beauty flow. 
 Though azure habit and artistic hat 
 Invite to snatches of half-tender chat. 
 
12 THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 He turns where, grave and silent, yet serene. 
 His chieftain rides two mirthful troops between, 
 And meets the kindly breeze that fans away 
 Each trace and relic of the nightly fray ; — 
 The trifling slip, by eloquence retrieved ; — 
 The words misconstrued, purpose misconceived ; — 
 The forced and mocking laugh of feigned surprise 
 That down the hostile lines by concert flies ; — 
 The taunt of fear too fevered to be just. 
 And shallowness which deems itself mistrust ; — 
 The venomed stab of envy, that would fain 
 Assume the mien and language of disdain. 
 
 Tet long we suffered, chastened to endure 
 The ills that picnics and July might cure. 
 But summer wanes, and visions once so fair 
 Result in Prorogation and despair. 
 The mother sees a wan and jaded band 
 Unwed, undanced-with, and untalked-to, stand. 
 The wife, beguiled by dim and flickering hopes 
 Of random callers, in her boudoir mopes, 
 Or sits, with ears intent on casual knocks, 
 Though Patti sings, sole inmate of her box. 
 
 \st Lady. — Yes, indeed ! 'Tis past all bearing, when a 
 
 husband slighta his bride 
 Who last Christmas stiU was blushing at her elder sister's 
 
 side; 
 Still on some minute allowance finding collars, boots, and 
 
 gloves ; 
 Still to cousinly flirtations limiting her list of loves ; 
 Still by stern domestic edict charged on no account to read 
 Any of Miss Bronte's novels, or to finish "Adam Bede." 
 When she says to Charles or Henry : " Will you take me 
 
 out a walk ? 
 Since the Bill is in Committee scarcely find we time to talk; 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 13 
 
 And to-day I can't go shopping, though I have so much 
 
 to do, 
 For the grey you bought in Yorkshire always seems to cast 
 
 a shoe. 
 Quite the nicest way to spend a penny is to hire a chair, 
 A.nd from underneath the lime-trees watch Lord Granville 
 
 drive his pair. 
 We may catch a look at Arthur, struggling with his team 
 
 of roans : 
 And I'm told he soon will break his own or some one else's 
 
 bones. 
 Since he's not what fast young ladies prone to slang would 
 
 call a dab. 
 Then we'll dine, and run together in a cosy hansom cab 
 To the Prince of Wales's playhouse, though it be not quite 
 
 the thing, 
 For my heart is set on hearing pretty Fanny Josephs sing. 
 Tou shall have the soup I copied from the Windham Club 
 
 receipt, 
 (Though papa declared on Sunday that it was not fit to eat,) 
 Followed by those salmon cutlets which the cook has 
 
 learned to do. 
 And perhaps a little turbot, just enough for me and you." 
 
 But the budding politician " Not to-night, my pet," re- 
 plies ; 
 
 " I've a motion on the paper, and must wait my time to 
 rise; 
 
 Since in this distracting crisis ill the private member fares, 
 
 If he be not Bright or Kinglake, should he miss his place 
 at prayers. 
 
 Tou may ask the girls to dinner, — add the urn, and call it 
 tea. 
 
 Well I know the ways of women when they get an evening 
 free ! 
 
14 THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 We shall sit with ranks unbroken, cheering on the fierce 
 
 debate, 
 Till the sun will light me homewards as I trudge through 
 
 Storey's G-ate 
 Racked with headache, pale, and haggard, worn by nights 
 
 of endless talk, 
 While the early sparrows twitter all along the Birdcage 
 
 Walk. 
 0, to roam o'er glen and corrie, far away from fuss and 
 
 sham. 
 Lunching on a chicken sandwich and a slice of bread and 
 
 jam. 
 Tramping after grouse or partridge through the soft 
 
 September air. 
 Both my pockets stuffed with cartridge, and my heart 
 
 devoid of care ! " 
 
 Gay. — If Ministers wish us the Tories to beat. 
 They surely should grant us the leisure to eat : 
 But Liberal youngsters do nothing but fast 
 Since ever this measure began to be passed. 
 Brand kept me from table three nights in one week 
 By hinting that Lowe was intending to speak ; 
 Although I suspect to detain me he tried. 
 In case Captain Hayter thought fit to divide. 
 When all that is clever at Arthur's or White's 
 Has set itself down for the gayest of nights ; — 
 When the steward is warned, and the cook has a 
 
 hint 
 To see there be neither redundance nor stint. 
 That the whitebait are crisp, and the curry is hot. 
 Since some one is coming who knows what is what ; — 
 When winecups all mantling with ruby are seen, 
 (Whatever the mantling of winecups may mean) ; — 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 15 
 
 When over tte port of the innermost hin 
 The circle of diners are laughing with Phinn ; — 
 When Brootfield has hit on his happiest vein, 
 And Harcourt is capping the jotes of D^lane ; — • 
 Possessed by alarm of impending collisions 
 With doubtful supporters who count my divisions 
 I crouch 'neath the gallery eating my fill 
 Of biscuits concealed in the folds of a Bill : 
 While stretched at my feet a promiscuous heap 
 Of gentlemen lie in the gangway asleep. 
 
 Lady Matilda. — One chance remains, the last and 
 surest course 
 Of injured worth : — a bold appeal to force. 
 Through crescent, terrace, circus, and arcade 
 Shall scouts proclaim a feminine crusade. 
 Let Knightsbridge, Pimlico, and Brompton meet, 
 Where G-rosvenor Place is lost in Eaton Street ; 
 While Portman Square and Hyde Park Gardens march 
 At break of dawn beneath the Marble Arch. 
 Across Victoria Eoad, with beat of drum. 
 Straight towards the Abbey bid our musters come ; 
 Beset the House, and all approaches guard 
 Prom furthest Millbank round to Palace Yard ; 
 InvBst the lobbies ; raise across the courts 
 A barricade of Bluebooks and Eeports ; 
 Suspend for good the Orders of the Day ; 
 To serve as hostage seize Sir Thomas May ; 
 And with one daring stroke for ever close 
 The fount and origin of these our woes. 
 Till man, who holds so light our proper charms, 
 Is brought to reason by material arms, 
 And learns afresh, what all his fathers knew, 
 His highest function, our most cherished due. \_Applause. 
 
16 THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 2nd Lady. — Thus we sit our treason netting, 
 Talking words that might have hung us, 
 All the while like geese forgetting 
 We have here an Owl among us.' 
 
 [They surround Gat in a threatening attitude. 
 
 Lady Matilda. — The Whig profane who rudely pries 
 In regions masked from vulgar eyes, — 
 Who once has trod the Sacred rug 
 Where Tories lounge in conclave snug. 
 And listen while their whips recite 
 The tactics of a coming fight, 
 Or speculate in murmurs low 
 How far the Cave intends to go, — 
 That rash intrusive wasp alive 
 Will never quit the Carlton hive. 
 We, less severe, accord you leave 
 To earn an undeserved reprieve 
 By coaxing with harmonious call 
 Tour vagrant brethren hither all, 
 And warning them in silence deep. 
 Our counsels and resolves to keep. 
 
 Gay [sings.] — Gentle birds of plumage tawny, 
 
 Whom the pale policeman greets 
 Flitting westwards, as at dawn he 
 
 Treads his weary round of streets ; 
 Tribe vivacious, bound to serve a 
 Term of seasons to Minerva; 
 This a poet, that a sceptic ; 
 
 Tufted some, and others crestless ; 
 Eoguish, easy, gay, eupeptic. 
 
 Frisky, truant, vague, and restless ; 
 
 ' The " Owl " was then in its third season of publication. 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 17 
 
 Haunt and perch for ever changing 
 
 As the needs of gossip call ; 
 Towards the hour of luncheon ranging 
 
 Bound the board-rooms of Whitehall, 
 Where a busy race of men 
 Tie the tape and drive the pen, 
 Till the welcome stroke of four 
 Open throws their office door. 
 There the food which suits his humour 
 
 Never yet an Owl has lacked : 
 Scraps of talk and crumbs of rumour, 
 
 Here a guess, and there a fact. 
 So, through each Department hopping, 
 Culhng truth, and fiction dropping, 
 
 Off you fly to print and risk it. 
 When your crop with news is stored 
 By some lazy junior lord 
 
 Yawning o'er his mid-day biscuit. 
 
 Tu-whit! Tu-whoo! Tu-whit! Tu-whoo! 
 
 When the warning note I utter 
 All the tuneful, roving crew 
 
 Round their mate will swiftly flutter. 
 
 Once again, when chill and dark 
 Twilight thins the swarming park, 
 Bearing home his social gleaning. 
 Jests and riddles fraught with meaning. 
 Scandals, anecdotes, reports. 
 Seeks the fowl a maze of courts 
 Which with aspect towards the west 
 
 Fringe the street of sainted James, 
 Where a warm secluded nest 
 
 As his sole domain he claims ; 
 
18 THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 From his wing a feather draws. 
 
 Shapes for use a dainty nib, 
 
 Pens his parody or squib, 
 Combs his down, and trims his claws, 
 And repairs where windows bright 
 Flood the sleepless square with light ; 
 Where behind the tables stand 
 Gunter's deaf and voiceless band ; 
 Where his own persuasive hoot 
 Mingles with the strains of Coote, 
 While, retiring and advancing, 
 
 Softly through the music's storm 
 Timid girls discourse on dancing. 
 
 And are mute about Reform ; 
 In a sea of flounces swimming ; 
 
 Waves of rustling tulle above ; 
 Strewn below the wrecks of trimming, 
 
 Shattered fan and crumpled glove. 
 
 Tu-whit! Tu-whoo! Tu-whit! Tu-whoo! 
 
 When they see I'm of a feather 
 All the tuneful, roving crew 
 
 Speedily will flock together. 
 
 Enter Chorus of Owls, 
 
 Ghorus. — What the dickens means our brother 
 
 By tu-whitting and tu-whooing ? 
 Much we fear he's laid another 
 
 Pun, as he is always doing ; 
 Or has hatched a long acrostic 
 
 Prom the dictionary taken ; 
 Something fit to pose a Gnostic, 
 
 And defy the skill of Bacon. 
 
 But now for half-an-hour must cease 
 The plot and business of the piece : 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 19 
 
 Because the audience has been 
 Long anxious for a change of scene, 
 In dread of getting, ere it budges, 
 As old as Derby's Irish judges.' 
 So shift the canvas, while we speak 
 A chorus modelled from the Greek. 
 
 We much revere our sires, who were a mighty race of men.' 
 Tor every glass of port we drink they nothing thought of 
 
 ten. 
 They dwelt above the foulest drains. They breathed the 
 
 closest air. 
 They had their yearly twinge of gout, and little seemed to 
 
 care. 
 They set those meddling people down for Jacobins or 
 
 fools 
 Who talked of public libraries, and grants to normal 
 
 schools ; 
 Since common folks who read, and write, and like their 
 
 betters speak. 
 Want something more than pipes, and beer, and sermons 
 
 once a week. 
 And therefore both by land and sea their match they rarely 
 
 met. 
 But made the name of Britain great, and ran her deep in 
 
 debt. 
 They seldom stopped to count the foe, nor sum the moneys 
 
 spent. 
 But clenched their teeth and straight ahead with sword and 
 
 musket went. 
 
 ' There was much debate in 1866 on the retention of the Lord Chief 
 Justiceship in Ireland by a man of ninety- three. 
 
 ' EuXoyijirat ;8ow\o/i£<T9a roic Trarspag iifiSiv, on 
 Sa/SpiQ Jiaav r^aSe rtje yrje aS.ioi, xal tov irtTrXov. k.t.X. 
 
 Knights, 565. 
 
20 THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 And, thougli they thought if trade were free that England 
 
 ne'er would thrive, 
 They freely gave their blood for Moore, and Wellington, 
 
 and Clive. 
 And, though they burned their coal at home, nor fetched 
 
 their ice from Wenham, 
 They played the man before Quebec and stormed the lines 
 
 at Blenheim. 
 
 When sailors lived on mouldy bread, and lumps of rusty 
 
 pork, 
 No Frenchman dared his nose to shew between the Downs 
 
 and Cork ; 
 But now that Jack gets beef and greens, and next his skin 
 
 wears flannel, 
 The " Standard " says we've not a ship in plight to keep 
 
 the Channel. 
 
 And, while they held their own in war, our fathers shewed 
 
 no stiat 
 Of fire, and nerve, and vigour rough, whene'er they took 
 
 to print. 
 They charged at hazard through the crowd, and recked not 
 
 whom they hurt, 
 And taught their Pegasus to kick and splash about the 
 
 dirt; 
 And every jolly Whig who drank at Brooks's joined to 
 
 goad 
 That poor young Heaven-born Minister with epigram and 
 
 ode. 
 Because he would not call a main, nor shake the midnight 
 
 box. 
 Nor flirt with all the pretty girls like gallant Charley Fox. 
 But now the press has squeamish grown, and thinks in- 
 vective rash ; 
 And telling hits no longer lurk 'neath asterisk and dash ; 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 21 
 
 And poets deal in epithets as soft as steins of silk, 
 Nor dream of calling silly lords a curd of ass's milk. 
 And satirists confine their art to cutting jokes on Beales, 
 Or snap like angry puppies round a mightier tribune's 
 
 heels : 
 Discussing whether he can scan and understand the lines 
 About the wooden Horse of Troy,' and when and where he 
 
 dines : 
 Though gentlemen should blush to talk as if they cared a 
 
 button 
 Because one night in Che sham Place he ate his shoe of 
 
 mutton.^ 
 
 Since ever party strife began the world is still the same. 
 And Eadicals from age to age are held the fairest game. 
 E'en thus the Prince of Attic drolls, who dearly loved to 
 
 sup 
 With those who gave the fattest eels and choicest Samian 
 
 cup. 
 Expended his immortal fun on that unhappy tanner 
 Who twenty centuries ago was waving Gladstone's banner : 
 And in the troubled days of Kome each curled and scented 
 
 jackass 
 Who lounged along the Sacred Way heehawed at Caius 
 
 G-racchus. 
 So now all paltry jesters run their maiden wit to flesh on 
 A block of rugged Saxon oak, that shews no light impres- 
 sion; 
 At which whoe'er aspires to chop had better guard his eye. 
 And towards the nearest cover bolt, if once the splinters 
 
 fly- 
 
 ' This animal played almost as prominent a part in the overthrow of 
 Lord Kussell's administration as in the capture of Pergamus. 
 
 ^ In the London season of 1866 there was much gossip over the fact 
 of Lord Bussell having entertained Mr. Bright at dinner. 
 
22 THE LADIES IN PABLIAMENT. 
 
 Then surely it were best to drop an over-worried bone, 
 And, if we've nothing new to say, just let the League* 
 
 alone ; 
 Or work another vein, and quiz those patrons of their race 
 Who like the honest working-man, but like him in his 
 
 place ; — 
 Who bid us mark that artisans their apathy display, 
 And prove how cheaply they regard the question of the 
 
 day. 
 By forming little groups of which some four would make 
 
 a million 
 To stare at Cblonel Dickson perched behirid a blue pos- 
 tillion ; — 
 Who, proud of rivalling the pig which started for Dundalk 
 Because it thought that Paddy wished towards Carlingford 
 
 to walk, 
 In slavish contradiction all their private judgment smother. 
 And blindly take one course because John Bright prefers 
 
 another. 
 
 Let's rather speak of what was felt by us who value 
 
 " Teast " 
 On learning who had led the choir at that triumphant 
 
 feast 
 Where Hampshire's town and county joined a civic wreath 
 
 to fling 
 O'er him, the great proconsul, whose renown through time 
 
 shall ring 
 In deathless cadence borne along pianoforte wires. 
 As memories heroic haunt the chords of Q-recian lyres. 
 That he, who gave our ancient creeds their first and rudest 
 
 shock. 
 Till half the lads for pattern took his Chartist Alton 
 
 Locke, 
 
 ' The Eefonu League. 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 23 
 
 Should tell us that Debrett within his gilded leaves contains 
 The virtue of the British isles, the heauty, and the brains ! ' 
 As if all moral folks were peers ! As if the sweetest kisses 
 Had ceased to lurk between the lips of many a charming 
 
 missis ! 
 While Cobden and Carlyle can boast no tall heraldic tree, 
 And Tennyson is still Esquire, and Mill a plain M.P. 
 That he, whose brave old English tale set all our veins 
 
 aglow, 
 (How HawHns, Cavendish, and Drake, went sailing West- 
 ward Ho, 
 And how they led the Dons a life, and fought them man to 
 
 man, 
 And spared them when they begged for grace, and chased 
 
 them when they ran,) 
 Should teach that " modern chivalry " has found its noblest 
 
 egress 
 In burning Baptist villages, and stringing up a negress ! ^ 
 
 But 'tis not on topics like those 
 
 Their talent that owls should exhibit. 
 
 More suited for vultures and crows 
 Are puffs of the cat and the gibbet. 
 
 ' At the banquet given to Governor Eyre at Southampton Dr. 
 Kingslej is reported to have said that the House of IJords contained all 
 the genius and all the virtue of the country, and that it was rapidly 
 monopolising all the beauty : — ^likewise that the conduct of Eyre in 
 Jamaica was a brilliant manifestation of " modern chivalry." 
 
 " We once could say with pride that no woman had been put to 
 death by Englishmen for a political offence since the days of Judge 
 Jeffreys. It was reserved for modern chivalry in the year of grace 1865 
 to hang three women on the charge of rebellion, unaccompanied by 
 murder : besides Rosa Macbean, who was shot " by soldiers without 
 trial," and a woman, " name unknown," hung by a Court Martial which 
 did business on the principle of " proceedings not kept," gallant and 
 gentle feats duly chronicled in the Appendix to the Beport of the Boyal 
 Commission, pp. 1135, 1136, 1137, and 1142. 
 
24 THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 We leave it for Newman to search 
 
 The doctrine professed by a parson 
 Who runs from his schools and his church 
 
 To gloat upon hanging and arson. 
 Like garrulous birds we resort 
 
 In quest of a frolicsome theme 
 Where butterflies quarrel and sport 
 
 On the brink of Society's stream. 
 
 Then hither and Usten, whoever 
 
 Would learn in our pages the miracle 
 Of passing for witty and clever 
 
 Without being voted satirical ! 
 He'd better be apt with his pen 
 
 Than well-dressed and well-booted and gloved 
 Who likes to be liked by the men, 
 
 By the women who loves to be loved : 
 And Fashion full often has paid 
 
 Her good word in return for a gay word. 
 For a song in the manner of Praed, 
 
 Or an anecdote worthy of Hayward. 
 
 And hither, you sweet schoolroom beauties, 
 
 Who only at Easter came out ! 
 We'U teach you your dear little duties 
 
 At ball-room, and concert, and rout. 
 With whom you may go down to supper ; 
 
 And where you can venture to please ; 
 And what you should say about Tupper, 
 
 And what of the cattle disease ; 
 And when you must ask a new member 
 
 Why he did not move the Address, 
 And hint how you laughed last November 
 
 On reading his squibs in the Press. 
 
TME LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 26 
 
 Tou Pitts of the future, we'll get you 
 
 To shew yourselves modest and smart, 
 And, if you speak hastily, set you 
 
 Three pages of Hansard by heart. 
 Whenever with quoting you bore us 
 
 (As pert young Harrovians will) 
 Your last repetition from Horace, 
 
 You'll write out a chapter of Mill. 
 But if you can think of a hit 
 
 That's brilliant and not very blue 
 We'll greet it by piping " Tu-whit," 
 
 And mark it by hootiag "Tu-whooi" 
 
 So scorn not to heed our advice. 
 
 Nor deem us impertinent fowls, 
 Nor say that the catching of mice 
 
 Is the proper department for Owls : 
 For Palmerston liked us and read us. 
 
 And all the vicinity knew 
 That the ivy which sheltered and bred us 
 
 Around the old forest-king grew. 
 Though parties and principles perish. 
 
 Though faiat is consistency's flame. 
 Our loyalty ever shall cherish 
 
 That loved and illustrious name. 
 
 Just one-and-fifty' years had gone since on the Belgian 
 
 plain 
 Amidst the scorched and trampled rye Napoleon turned 
 
 his rein, 
 And once again ui panic fled a gallant host and proud. 
 And once again a chief of might 'neath Fortune's malice 
 
 bowed. 
 
 ' On the 18th June, 1866, the Liberal Government was defeated 
 upon Lord Dunkellin's Amendment ; — defeat that was followed by 
 resignation. 
 
26 THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 So vast and serried an array, so brave and fair to view, 
 Ne'er mustered yet around the flag of mingled buff and 
 
 blue, — 
 So potent in the show of strength, in seeming zeal so bold, — 
 Since Grey went forth in 'Thirty-two to storm Corruption's 
 
 hold. 
 But in the pageant all is bright, and, till the shock we feel, 
 We learn not what is burnished tin, and what is tempered 
 
 steel. 
 When comes the push of charging ranks, when spear and 
 
 buckler clash. 
 Then snaps the shaft of treacherous fir, then holds the 
 
 trusty ash. 
 And well the fatal truth we knew when sounds of lawless 
 
 fight 
 In baleful concert down the line came pealing from our 
 
 . right, 
 Which in the hour of sorest need upon our centre fell. 
 Where march the good old houses still that love the people 
 
 well. 
 As to and fro our battle swayed in terror, doubt, and 
 
 shame. 
 Like wolves among the huddled flock the Tory vanguard 
 
 came. 
 A moment yet with shivered blade, torn scarf, and pennon 
 
 reft 
 Imperial Gladstone turned to bay amidst our farthest left, 
 Where, shoulder tight to shoulder set, fought on in sullen 
 
 pride 
 The veterans staunch who drink the streams of Tyne, and 
 
 Wear, and Clyde ; 
 Who've borne the toil, and heat, and blows of many an 
 
 hopeless fray ; 
 Who serve uncheered by rank and fame, unbought by place 
 or pay. 
 
THE LADIES IN PARLIAMENT. 27 
 
 At length, deserted and outmatclied, by fruitless efforts 
 
 spent, 
 rrom that disastrous field of strife our steps we homeward 
 
 bent. 
 Erelong to ride in triumph back, escorted near and far 
 By eager millions surging on behind our hero's car ; 
 While blue and yellow streamers deck each Tory convert's 
 
 brow. 
 And both the Carltons swell the shout : " We're all Ee- 
 
 f ormers now ! " 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF ATHENS. 
 
 THIS little extravaganzais atthe disadvantage of having 
 been composed for acting, and altered for printing. 
 It lays claim, however, to perfect historical accuracy ; as 
 it faithfully records the known occurrences in the life of 
 Horace ; his residence at Athens as a student ; his enlist- 
 ment in the republican army ; his behaviour at Philippi ; 
 his pardon at the instance of Meeeenas ; and his appoint- 
 ment to a post in the Eoman Treasury. That it is accepted 
 by undergraduates as a fair representation of under- 
 graduate life and thought is testified by the local demand 
 having brought it through three editions. The passages 
 that refer to the fightiag then taking place iu Virginia will 
 serve as specimens of the tone in which young Englishmen 
 of the day wrote and talked about the greatest event of 
 our time. 
 
DRAMATIS PERSONiE. 
 
 AoGTJSTnS. 
 
 M^CENAS. 
 
 Bkbtus. 
 Cassius. 
 
 Students of the University of 
 
 Caius, 
 Balbus, 
 
 HOKACE, 
 
 Decius Mus, 
 
 Sempkonids Vikidis, a Freshman, _ 
 
 The Vice-Chancellok ob the Universitt. 
 
 The Public Orator. 
 
 QniNTns RussEi-Lcs Maximds, the Special Correspondent of the 
 
 " Acta Diurna." 
 The Ghost op C^sab. 
 Lydia. 
 Students, Soldiers, Guards, &o. 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 31 
 
 SCENE I. 
 
 In front of the great gate of the College. Ltdia's house on 
 the left of the stage. 
 
 Caius and Balbus in cap and gown. Hoeace lounging in 
 the hack-ground. 
 
 Caius. — ^What time d'ye call it, Balbus? Why, good 
 heaven, 
 I do declare it's only half-past seven ! 
 And I was up last night till after two. 
 And lost — ^the Euries know how much — at loo. 
 As I was dreaming how you trumped my knave 
 The bell its matutinal warning gave : 
 Forth from his cosy bed the student shoots 
 Clad in a toga and a pair of boots, 
 Knocks down his soap-dish, blunders with his brushes, 
 And, half-undressed, to morning temple rushes. 
 
 Balbus. — Caius, my worthy comrade — 
 
 Cai. — If you please 
 
 I very much prefer to be called Keys. 
 
 Bal. — ^WeU : who's that young Apulian ? To my know- 
 ledge 
 I was on nodding terms with all the college. 
 
 Cai. — That ? Why, 'tis little Horace. Don't you know 
 him ? 
 The same that got the Chancellor's Prize Poem ; 
 Who wears six rings, and curly as a maid is ; 
 Who's always humming songs about the ladies ; 
 Who never comes inside the gates till four ; 
 Who painted green the Senior Tutor's door. 
 I'll make you both acquainted. Here, my fuchsia, 
 This is the famous freshman from Venusia. 
 
32 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 And this is Balbus, cleverest of dabs 
 At losing pewters and at catching crabs. 
 As to his antecedents, you must look 
 In the first page of Henry's Latin Book. 
 
 nor.- — Can this be Balbus, household word to all. 
 Whose earliest exploit was to build a wall ? 
 Who, with a frankness that I'm sure must charm ye. 
 Declared it was all over with the army. 
 Can this be he who feasted, as 'twas said. 
 The town at fifty sesterces a-head ? 
 But, while the thankless mob his bounty quaffed. 
 Historians add — that there were some who laughed. 
 I should be deeply honoured if I might 
 Secure your presence at my rooms to-night. 
 A friend has sent me half-a-dozen brace 
 Of thrush and blackbird from a moor in Thrace. 
 These we will have for supper, with a dish 
 Of lobster-patties, and a cuttle-fish ; 
 While those who have not dined in hall may rally O 
 Eound that gigantic mess beginning galeo — 
 Lepado — temacho — and the Lord knows what. 
 You'll find it all in Liddell and in Scott. 
 
 Bal. — A thousand thanks : the honour will be mine. 
 But our Dynamic lecture stands for nine. 
 Let's go to breakfast, Caius ; since I hate 
 To scald my mouth for fear of being late. 
 
 [Exeunt all hut Horace and Decitts Mus. 
 
 Hor. — My Decius, since our earliest private school 
 You always were my fond and faithful fool. 
 I ate the blackberries : you scratched your legs. 
 I took the nests : you blew the addled eggs. 
 When we stole out at night to see the play 
 'Twas you, not I, who could not sit next day. 
 And now we live, a pair of trusty friends. 
 With common pleasures and with common ends. 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 33 
 
 To you, my Decius Mus, to you alone 
 I trust the secret that I burn to own. 
 Why is my colour gone, my visage lani ? 
 Why did I steer our hoat against the bank ? 
 Why is my wine untasted in the glass ? 
 Why do I tremble when the proctors pass ? 
 By Proserpine below, by Jove above. 
 By mine own head I swear that I'm in love ! 
 
 Bee. M. — Don't swear so loud. I've not the slightest 
 doubt of it. 
 I never knew the time when you were out of it. 
 
 B:or. — 'Tis true! 'Tis true! But this is not the 
 same. 
 So pure, so ardent, and so bright a flame ! 
 Oh face ! oh form celestial ! 
 
 Bee. M.— I knows her. 
 
 Quis multd gracilis te, Pyrrha, in rosd ? 
 
 Hor. — Pyrrha, the faithless sorceress ! 
 
 Bee. M. — Ah, I see ! 
 
 Extremwm Tanaim si hiheres, Lyee. 
 Or her you told us of last night when beery, — 
 Bie et argutce properet Necerce. 
 
 Hor. — My sweetheart, Mus, outshines Ncaera far 
 As D'Orsey's comet ' beats the polar star. 
 Unkind as Lyce, and than Pyrrha giddier. 
 Whom can I mean but lovely lively Lydia ? 
 
 Bee. M. [aside'] — Perdition catch this fellow and his 
 curls ! 
 That such a doll as this should please the girls ! 
 
 ' In the year 1860 the Eev. Mr. D'Orsey obtained the Chancellor's 
 medal for a poem on the Great Comet of 1858. This gentleman soon 
 after became English lecturer at Corpus College, and commenced a 
 course of instrnction in clerical and public elocution : an undertaking in 
 which the undei-graduates of the day chose to discover something 
 ludicrous. 
 
 D 
 
34 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 Lydia, my fondest hope, my only joy ! 
 
 [J.fowti] Horace, you're taten in this time, my boy ! 
 
 Tour darling Lydia is not all you think. 
 
 For a young lady she's a whale at drink : 
 
 And, though I don't believe the fact the least. 
 
 They say she went to the Olympian feast 
 
 In young Mursena's drag. 
 
 jffor. — They lie — they lie ! 
 
 They dared not breathe a word if I were by. 
 I love her, though she's petulant and cruel, 
 As Eadley boys adore the Eeverend Sewell. 
 And now I've come to spend some anxious hours 
 Prostrate before her threshold, crowned with flowers. 
 Such was the custom, as good scholars know. 
 Of classic lovers long long time ago. 
 And if they doubt it, let them please to look 
 At my sixth line, ode twenty-fifth, first book ; 
 And as a penance let them learn by heart 
 The note by Anthon, and the verse by Smart. 
 
 Sings. 
 
 " Wake, wake, my soul's enchantress ! 
 Listen to your lover's pleadings. 
 Eecognise in each effusion 
 Doctor Bentley's various readings. 
 Fair as golden Aphrodite ; 
 Piquante as Eebecca Sharpe ; 
 Worthy of the pen of Trollops ; 
 Theme for old Anacreon's harp ; 
 Colder than out-college breakfasts ; ^ 
 
 1 The kitchen being within the Great Court, it is needless to describe 
 the condition in which stewed kidneys or curried fisli arrive at lodgings 
 distant some half mile from the college gate. 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 35 
 
 Harder tlian the Old Court stones ; 
 Beam upon me from the window ; 
 Have compassion on my groans." 
 [Horace lies down on the thresliold o/Ltdia's house. 
 Ltdia opens the door, and stumbles over him. 
 
 Lyd. — Plague take you, Horace ! See, you've torn my 
 gown. 
 Get up — and don't stay sprawling like the clown 
 Who lies with fiendish craft athwart the floor. 
 Then knocks at some unconscious tradesman's door. 
 Come, don't look like a fool, because you're not one. 
 But use your tongue : — at least if you have got one. 
 
 Sor. [^Getting up]. — When like Diana's orb, serene and 
 bright, 
 Tou rise resplendent on my aching sight. 
 My senses with a strange emotion swim. 
 And a cold shudder runs through every limb. 
 My eyes are dazzled, and my features glow. 
 As when a student in the Little-G-o 
 Draws from his breast a surreptitious Paley, 
 Notes the contents, and floors the paper gaily ; 
 Then sees with horror in the gallery frowning 
 Some dread examiner from Cat's or Downing. 
 
 Lyd. — What have you brought me, Horace ? You shall 
 rue 
 Unless it's something elegant and new. 
 
 Hor. — Alas, my charmer, I have nought to bring. 
 I am too poor to buy a brooch or ring. 
 
 Lyd. — ^Don't talk of brooches or of rings, you dove you, 
 'Tis for yourself, yourself alone, I love you. 
 Since I've been here I've had a hundred danglers. 
 Lords, fellow-commoners, and senior-wranglers. 
 Scholars, Smith's prizemen, deans, professors, dons. 
 Fellows of Trinity, and Queen's, and John's ; 
 
36 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 But none like you, from all that brilliant throng, 
 
 I've loved so readily, or loved so long. 
 
 Your wit's so racy, and your words so glowing. 
 
 Your dress so spicy, and your wink so knowing ; 
 
 Your songs are hetter than ten thousand purses. 
 
 So run me off some amatory verses. 
 
 I'll be your critic : — and beware, I tell ye. 
 
 You'll find me worse than Hermann or Orelli. 
 
 But first we'll try one figure of the dance, 
 
 A thought pronounced, that Balbus learned in France, 
 
 (Confound my stupid head ! I mean in Gaul) 
 
 The year he brought me back my Cachmere shawl. 
 
 [TDance. Exit Horace. 
 
 Dec. M. — You faithless baggage, am I so much dirt. 
 That thus before my very nose you flirt ? 
 Have I not lain whole evenings at your door ? 
 My whole allowance spent, and hundreds more ? 
 Did I not bet my money on a screw 
 That I might lose fonr dozen gloves to you. 
 White kid and primrose, sixes and a quarter ? 
 Was it for this I jilted Grnatho's daughter ? 
 Was it for this I got on the committee,' 
 And sent you all my tickets ? More's the pity ! 
 
 Lyd. — And if you did, though even that is false. 
 Did I not dance with you the fifteenth valse ? 
 And would have tried a galoppe with you gladly, 
 Except for very shame, you waltzed so badly. 
 You purchased me the gloves, (may harpies tear them !) 
 But what of that ? I let you see me wear them. 
 Do what you will : your time and money waste : 
 But pray allow me to consult my taste. 
 
 Bee. M.—Fov your sake, Lydia, while you still were 
 mine. 
 They gated me for half the term at nine : 
 
 ' Tlie Committee nf management of the Bachelors' Ball. 
 
HOBACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 3? 
 
 And for your sake uncounted sums I owe 
 To Gent and Matthew, Litchfield, Ingrey, Eowe. 
 And yet you still my hand and heart despise, 
 Won by the glances of a freshman's eyes. 
 You and your minion all your lives shall cuss 
 The day you played the fool with Decius Mus. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE II, 
 
 The Booms of Horace. 
 
 Balbus, Caitts, Horace, and others, at table. 
 
 SONG. 
 
 " Natis in usum IsetitijE." — Ode xxvii. Book 1. 
 
 To fight o'er cups for joy ordained 
 Suits well barbarian morals. 
 Let us our blushing Bacchus keep 
 Erom taiat of bloody quarrels. 
 
 For Median daggers don't agree 
 
 With beer- cup rich and brown : 
 
 So rest your elbow on the couch. 
 
 And take your liquor down. 
 
 Come, drink about ! and, if you wish 
 
 That I should do the same, 
 
 I must request yon junior soph 
 
 To tell his sweetheart's name. 
 
 Bend close this way — Ah, wretched boy, 
 
 You're not her only suitor. 
 
 That lady has been long engaged 
 
 To our Assistant Tutor. 
 
 Dec. M. — Horace, your supper has been quite the thiug. 
 You entertain as bravely as you sing. 
 
38 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 I'm just three-quarters drunk, and tightly filled 
 
 With roast, and boiled, and stewed, and pulled, and 
 
 grilled. 
 But there is one sad void within your doors. 
 One vacuum which nature most abhors. 
 For nought avails the spiced and bubbling bowl, 
 The pea in season, and the roe of sole, 
 Without fair woman, nature's proudest boast, 
 To pour the coffee and dispense the toast. 
 
 Sor. — That shall be remedied, or Pluto's in it, 
 For I'm expecting Lydia every minute. 
 
 Bee. M. — Things must be wonderfully changed of 
 late 
 If she's allowed to pass the college gate. 
 I'll lay a mina on it. 
 
 Sor.— Done with you — 
 
 That she'U. be here to-night. 
 
 Bee. M. — I'll make it two. 
 
 Enter Ltdia disguised as a Bednnaker. 
 Sings — 
 
 I make the butter fly, all in an hour : 
 
 I put aside the preserves and cold meats, 
 Telling my master his cream has turned sour. 
 
 Hiding his pickles, purloining his sweets. 
 I never languish for husband or dower : 
 
 I never sigh to see gyps at my feet : 
 I make the butter fly, all in an hour. 
 Taking it home for my Saturday treat. 
 
 [^Biscovers herself. 
 
 Hor. Well : Lydia dear, now you are here 
 We'll have a game of loo, love ; 
 Although I'm told the punch is cold 
 With waiting long for you, love. 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 39 
 
 Lyd. 0, bother punch ! I've had my lunch, 
 And afterwards some tea, love. 
 A glass of sling is just the thing. 
 And quite enough for me, love. 
 
 Enter Sbmpeonius Vibidis, a Freshman from Gallia 
 Cisalpina. 
 
 Hor. — Behold the prototype of Verdant Green ! 
 
 8.V. — Are these the chambers of the Junior Dean ? 
 
 Hot. — Sir, I'm the Junior Dean. 
 
 S.Y, — I wish to state 
 
 The reason of my coming rather late 
 To early lecture on last Friday week. 
 
 Hor. — Young man, I bid you pause before you speak. 
 So grave a breach of college rules, by Castor, 
 Must come before no other than the Master. 
 Tn suppliant garb arrayed you'll duly call 
 Where stands his Lodge adjacent to the Hall. 
 There ask his pardon. If he chance to scold. 
 Back your entreaties with a piece of gold. 
 
 [Sempkonitts begins to go. 
 Stay for a moment ; let me ask your name. 
 
 8.V. — Sempronius Viridis. 
 
 ffor. — The very same ! 
 
 I knew your father. Tell me, if you can, 
 Does he not look an oldish sort of man ? 
 
 S.V. — ^Tes, that he does. 
 
 Jlor. — I fancied I was right. 
 
 Hair grey, or now perhaps a little white ? 
 Sit down, and join our company, my boy, 
 Let's give an hour to chat and social joy. 
 The gravest of us now and then unbends. 
 And likes his glass of claret and his friends. 
 
 Caius. — ^But first, my dear Sempronius, pray let us 
 
 Inquire if you've ascended Mount Hymettus 
 
40 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 To see the term divide — for, if I'm right, 
 
 That incident comes off this very night. 
 
 8. V. — Does it indeed ! I thank you from my heart. 
 
 If that's the case it's almost time to start. 
 
 I don't like walking late in cap and gown. 
 
 For fear of being beaten by the town. 
 
 [CAirs removes his gown, and substitutes his own, 
 which is old and ragged. Dance expressive of re- 
 monstrance on the part of Sempbonitjs, and con- 
 tempt on that of the others. They hustle him out. 
 
 Enter Bbotus and Cassius with Recruiting Ribbons. 
 
 Hot. — Why here's two heroes coming to recruit us. 
 What is your business, pray ? 
 
 Bru. — I'm Marcus Brutus : 
 
 And this is Caius Cassius, a name, 
 Thanks to Will Shakspere, not unknown to fame. 
 We found our country groaning, and to ease her 
 We sent to his account great Julius Csesar. 
 But young Augustus with a hungry pack 
 Of veteran troops came yelping on my track ; 
 While Antony, more truculent by far, 
 Cries " Havock ! " and let slip the dogs of war. 
 There must be here some smart young fellows willing 
 To serve their country, and to take the shilling. 
 We stand the uniform. 
 
 Hor. — And what's the pay ? 
 
 Bru. — ^Your beer, and twenty sesterces a day. 
 Coffee you'll get, as green as any leaf. 
 Fat pork, hard biscuits, and nice fresh boiled beef. 
 The bounty will be paid as best it can. 
 For Brutus is an honourable man. 
 Then there's the glory, and the smiles of beauty, 
 And some one else to take your turn of duty. 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 41 
 
 Is there one true-born son of Rome who feai i 
 To meet the shock of Caesar's hireling spej,rs, 
 With me to conquer, or with me to die ? 
 If any, speak ! I pause for a reply. 
 
 All. — None, Brutus, none. 
 
 Bru. — Then none have I offended. 
 
 But now we'll go ! 'Tis time this scene were ended. 
 We start to-morrow, by Apollo's grace, 
 On the main route for Macedon and Thrace. 
 So get your kits packed up, and don't be late. 
 The convoy's due at seven fifty-eight. 
 
 [Exeunt omnes. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 The Senate-House. Augustus, M^cenas, the Vicb-Chan- 
 CBLLOB, the Public Oeatob, Decius Mus, Ltdia, 
 Students in the Gallery, etc. 
 
 V. C. — ^Your Royal Highness, wearied with the jars 
 Of civil discord and intestine wars. 
 Has for a while withdrawn you from the strife 
 To taste the sweets of Academic life : 
 And we have done our utmost to prepare 
 A varied and enticing bill of fare. 
 First, with absorbing interest you'll see 
 Maecenas take an honorary degree. 
 Next, Decius Mus — of whom we're justly proud, 
 A youth with parts and modesty endowed, 
 On whom our fondest expectations hang- 
 Will speak a complimentary harangue : 
 Which will be followed by a feast in hall. 
 Succeeded by a supper and a ball. 
 
42 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 Aug. — Think you that to a fool I've such affinity 
 As to consept to dine in hall in Trinity ? 
 I thank you for the kindness that you show ; 
 And in return this favour I bestow. 
 In honour of my uncle I will found 
 A Julian scholarship worth sixty pound. 
 Examiners, — the lecturer on Greek, 
 The preacher at St. Mary's for tte week, 
 The last Seatonian prizeman, and the Deans 
 Of Pembroke, Corpus, Sidney, Christ's, and Queen's. 
 Tliey will examine, such are my intentions. 
 In plane astrology of three dimensions. [Applause. 
 
 And in return, for purposes of state, 
 I shall make bold to take the college plate. 
 And lay a tax of ninety-nine per cent 
 On all the fellows' stipends and the rent. 
 
 [Great sensation. 
 And now we will proceed, if so you please. 
 At once to the conferring of degrees. 
 
 Public Orator leads up M^cenas. 
 
 Pub. Or. — Prsesento tibi hunc baccalaureum, cui reserva- 
 tur sua senioritas. [Cheering. 
 
 V. C. — MsBcenas, vir amplissime, edite atavis regibus, 
 O et prsesidium et dulce decus nostrum, confirmo tibi tuam 
 senioritatem. Neque dubitari potest, vir reverende atque 
 doctissime, quin si natum haberem tuo ingenio prseditum, 
 omnes omnia bona dicerent, et laudarent f ortunas meas — 
 
 Stxtdents in the Gallery. 
 
 Three cheers for Caius Ctesar ! 
 
 Three groans for Mr. Bright ! 
 And now, in hopes to please ber. 
 
 Three cheers for the lady in white ! 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 43 
 
 Hurrah for the 'Varsity boat ! 
 Hurrah for Eobinson's vote ! ^ 
 
 V. G. — Since classic phrases pall on minds so weak, 
 'Tis time for Decius Mus to rise and speak ! 
 
 Dec. M. — Let me unfold before your royal ear 
 The doings of the Academic year. 
 Religious education and sound knowledge 
 Have flourished generally throughout the college : 
 Although the chapel-clerks, astounding fact, 
 Tor every surplice seven-and-six exact. 
 The porters too, who really should know better, 
 Charge us a halfpenny for every letter.^ 
 The fellowships have gone, save one in three, 
 In inverse ratio to the degree : 
 And we expect next year a junior op 
 Will, by the aid of bookwork, come out top.^ 
 
 ^ The mastership of St. Catharine's Hall fell vacant in 1861. The 
 electors with whom the appointment lay were five in number, of whom 
 two were candidates — Mr. Robinson and Mr. Jameson. Of the other 
 three votes Mi-. Jameson got two, and Mr. Robinson one. Mr. Jameson 
 voted for Mr. Robinson, and Mr. Robinson for himself, thus securing the 
 mastership. Through the cloud of pamphleteering and pasquinading 
 which has been floating about intermittently ever since one fact is 
 discernible : — that Mr. Robinson continued to hold the mastership 
 after he had become aware that Mr. Jameson was dissatisfied with the 
 transaction. 
 
 ^ This impost dated from the time when the postage of letters was 
 heavy, and demanded a plentiful store of cash and careful accounts on 
 the part of the officer whose business it was to take in the correspondence 
 of a numerous body of people, most of whom could read and write with 
 ease. Those who have the principal interest in the question, — the porters 
 themselves,— credit the couplet with the abolition of the tax. 
 
 ' In the first edition the above four lines, the dearest the writer ever 
 penned, were suppressed at the last moment, and fresh matter substi- 
 tuted. But a thi-ifty bookbinder used the rejected pages to strengthen 
 the covers of a certain number of copies: so that the reader could 
 gratify his curiosity by the simple process of holding up the binding to 
 
44 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 We've a hall steward, who becomes the place, 
 
 Ajid d raws his salary with wondrous grace : 
 
 But no one can perceive, as I'm a sinner, 
 
 A very marked improvement in the dinner. 
 
 We still consume, with mingled shame and grief, 
 
 Veal that is tottering on the verge of beef ; 
 
 Veal void of stuflSng, widowed of its ham. 
 
 Or the roast shoulder of an ancient ram. 
 
 Illustrious founder of a mighty line. 
 
 Go forth, and seize the sceptre that is thine ! 
 
 Thou who hast studied in thine uncle's school : 
 
 For he did rear a race he might not rule, 
 
 (Although he paid for it uncommon dear) : 
 
 So thou shalt rule a race thou didst not rear.' \A/p;plause. 
 
 Aug. — Upon my word, young man, you make me proud. 
 Although you need not beUow quite so loud. 
 So well you've learnt your speech, so nicely said it, 
 It does yourself and your instructors credit. 
 And therefore, in return, I'll not refuse 
 Whatever boon you ask. Look sharp and choose. 
 
 Bee. M. — Then will your highness get me back, I pray, 
 A female slave of mine who's run away ? 
 There stands the wench, blue-girdled round the waist. 
 
 Aiog. — By Hercules, this Decius Mus has taste. 
 
 the light. Few could be induced to believe that the author was not a 
 party to this suicidal policy. 
 
 ' These lines were a parody on a passage well known at the time, 
 occurring in the prize poem on the subject of " The Prince of Wales at 
 the tomb of Washington." 
 
 For he did rear a race he might not rule. 
 So thou shalt rule a race thou didst not rear. 
 The university lyre, which for long past had given forth very feeble 
 strains, was just then falling into the hands of a Cheltenham freshman, 
 Mr. Frederick Myers, who in this performance gave promise that has 
 been worthily fulfilled in the all too little which he has hitherto given to 
 the world. 
 
HORACE AT THE VNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 45 
 
 Well, since you say she's yours in justice, take her ; 
 And if she won't go with you — why, I'll make her. 
 
 Lyd. — Sir, I entreat you by her name that bore you. 
 By that dear maid whose beaming eyes adore you. 
 Save me, O save me, from that bitter fate, 
 To be betrayed to one I scorn and hate. 
 I hate him, for he's rude, untidy, black. 
 In debt to Parfitt, Warwicker, and Flack. 
 To sum up all, deny it if he can, 
 A. jealous, hideous, odious ten -year man. 
 
 Aug. — Take off the girl ! 
 
 Lyd. Oh, Sire ! 
 
 Avg. Have done, I say ! 
 
 I can't be waiting here the livelong day. 
 
 [Ltd I A is dragged off. Scene changes. 
 
 SCENE rv. 
 
 In front o/Beutus's Tent. 
 HoEACE on guard. Enter Caius. 
 
 Gai. — Horace, my boy, I thought I heard you singing, 
 And so I've come, these slight refreshments bringing. 
 We'll drain a bumper to your absent Lydia, 
 The sweetest girl from Britain to Pisidia. 
 And that reminds me. Some one in the band 
 Has brought a letter, in a female hand, 
 Addressed to you : an obol to be paid. 
 
 [Caitjs delivers the letter. 
 
 Hor. — There's something wrong with Lydia, I'm afraid. 
 What's this ? [^Beads.] " My Horace, 'tis not yet too late 
 To save your darling from a dreadful fate. 
 
46 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 The fatal time draws nigh. Haste, haste, and save ! " 
 
 [Bashes down the letter. 
 Shall Lydia be my faithless rival's slave ? 
 Caius, 'tis now the time to come down handsome : 
 Ton shall provide the money for her ransom. 
 
 Cai. — But all my ready cash has gone in liquor 
 For your consumption. 
 
 Hor. Well then, pawn your ticker. 
 
 Oai. — But why not pawn your own ? 
 
 Hor. Oh, heartless friend, 
 
 Your selfish words my tender bosom rend. 
 Was it for this I loved you as myself ? 
 Was it for this I freely shared your pelf ? 
 Was it for this your board I nightly graced, 
 And criticized your wines with faultless taste ? 
 
 Sings. 
 
 We were fresh together. 
 
 I never can forget 
 How in October weather 
 
 On Parker's Piece we met ; 
 Nor how in hall we paid so dear 
 
 For shapeless lumps of flesh, 
 And sized for cheese and college beer, 
 
 When you and I were fresh. 
 
 We were Junior Sophs together. 
 
 And used one Paley card.' 
 They plucked my every feather, 
 
 A usual fate, but hard. 
 
 ' The card alluded to was an epitome of The Evidences of Chris- 
 tianity, which work formed one among the subjects of the Little-go 
 examination. In this synopsis doctrinal arguments were summed up in 
 rude Hexameters and Pentameters for the assistance of treacherous 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 47 
 
 You got the Craven and the Bell, 
 
 While I in folly's mesh 
 Without a single struggle fell, 
 
 WTien you and I were fresh. 
 
 We're Questionists together ; 
 
 We both have reached the verge 
 And limit of our tether, 
 
 The hood of fur and serge. 
 Though this should be a Federal firm. 
 
 And that a hot Secesh, 
 We'd fondly still recall the term 
 
 When you and I were fresh. 
 
 Enter Betttits, at the head of his army. 
 
 Bru. — Halt ! Eight face ! 'tention ! Don't be crowding 
 there ! 
 You seem to think we're forming hollow square. 
 Now, since this neighbourhood is somewhat damp. 
 To-morrow morning we shall strike our camp, 
 And, having marched some twenty miles with unction, 
 Take up our ground beyond Philippi junction. 
 When the first beams of Sol the meadows kiss, 
 Be all of you prepared to start. Dis-miss ! 
 
 [Exeunt all hut Beutus. 
 
 memories. The eleven proofs of the authenticity of the Historical Scrip- 
 tures were contained in the lines : 
 
 Quoted, sui generis, vols, titles, publicly, comment, 
 Both sides, without doubt, attacked, catalogue, apocryphal. 
 
 The learning by heart of this barbarous jargon was an important element 
 in that religious training, on the pretext of preserving which inviolate 
 the yearly bills for admitting nonconformists to the privileges and 
 emoluments of our universities have been talked out of the Commons or 
 kicked out of the Lords. 
 
48 HORACE AT THE UNIVEnSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 The Stage grows darJc. 
 
 There's nothing stirring all along the liae. 
 Boy, place a chair, and bring a flask of wiae. 
 I'll sit awhile alone, and drown my sorrow, 
 And think about my tactics for to-morrow. 
 
 [^Sits and sips. Ghost of C^sae rises, to music. 
 Unless I'm wrong, this Massic's rather fruity. 
 I'll have another bottle. 
 
 Ghost. Et tu, Brute ! 
 
 SONG AND DANCE. 
 
 I shrink from the light. 
 
 But at dead of night 
 In a ghastly polka skip I : 
 
 And all this way 
 
 I've come to say 
 That I'll meet you again at Philippi. 
 
 Bru. I very much rue 
 
 That I ran you through, 
 I've been a terrible rip, I : 
 
 But please. Sir, don't, 
 
 I hope you won't 
 Ever meet me again at Philippi. 
 
 Ghost. By the light of the moon 
 
 I have come full soon 
 All armed with Tisiphone's whip, I : 
 Tour sins shall be lashed. 
 And your hopes all dashed, 
 When I meet you again at Philippi. 
 
 [^Exeunt dancing. 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 49 
 
 SCENE V. 
 
 The Plains of Philvppi. Bkutus and Cassitjs, at the head 
 of their army. 
 
 Bru, Cassius, the fatal hour is drawing nigh. 
 The time has come to conquer or' to die. 
 That veteran force at which you daily scofi 
 Is marching to the fight some furlongs ofE : 
 While all our three-months' volunteers go home, 
 And meet a cordial welcome back to Eome. 
 'Tis time to form my soldiers for the fight. 
 TaU in ! Attention ! Number from the right ! 
 
 \That manoev/vre takes place with the usual success. 
 
 The Army marches out. Alarms. Excursions. 
 
 The Army rushes in again in confusion. 
 
 Enter Quinttts Eusselltts Maximus. 
 
 Bus. — ^What means this most discreditable bustle ? 
 I am the correspondent, Quintus Eussell. 
 Despribe the enemy, that I may draw him. 
 
 gol. — ^We can't describe him, for we never saw him. 
 
 ;^us. — You never saw the foe ! This is indeed 
 A most confused, unsoldierlike stampede. 
 I never met with such a shameful scene, 
 As daily correspondent though I've been 
 (At least I doubt if you will find a dailyer) 
 In every fight frojn Munda to Pharsalia. 
 My military knowledge is not small. 
 I witnessed Caesar's first campaign in Gaul, 
 And found myself in an unpleasant mess 
 For making known his tactics through the press. 
 The late reforms, as e'en the Horse-guards own. 
 Are due to me, and due to me alone. 
 
50 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 Give me the standard ! On to martial deeds ! 
 None dare turn craven when their critic leads ! 
 This foul dishonour from your annals wipe ! 
 Whoever runs shall read his name in type. 
 
 Sol. — Now by our free and most enlightened nation 
 We'll teach this Britisher to know his station. 
 We are afraid of being killed, 'tis true : 
 But strike me blind if we're afraid of you ! 
 We'll tar and feather you from head to tail, 
 And ride you round the country on a rail. 
 Scene-painter, lend us all your brushes, pray. 
 We'll take our chance of what the " Times " may say. 
 
 [They seize QtriNTUs Etjssellus Maximtts. 
 
 Enter Cassius and Brtjtus. 
 
 Mus. — Release me, Brutus ! In the English press 
 I'll say you gained a glorious success. 
 I will indeed ! Or, if it suit you better. 
 You shall yourself compose to-morrow's letter. 
 Stain not your spotless name with useless crimes ! 
 
 save the correspondent of the " Times " ! 
 
 Bru. — Forbear, my soldiers ! For 'tis most absurd 
 To make a correspondent like a bird. 
 Protect the baggage, lest their stragglers loot us. 
 
 [Exaunt Soldiers. 
 Fly, stranger, fly, and bless the name of Brutus ! 
 
 \_Exit QuiNTUs EussELLtrs Maximus. 
 AU hope has faded. Cassius, be not weak. 
 Fate closes in. Together must we seek ' 
 That undiscovered country from whose bourn 
 No uncommercial travellers return. 
 Present thy sword, and when I give the sign 
 Fall on my point, and I will fall on thine. 
 
 Cas. — Ah, Brutus, this fond faithful heart will burst. 
 
 1 love you far too well to die the first : 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 51 
 
 But when I've mourned thy death with many a groan 
 I'll bid thy life-blood mingle with mine own. 
 
 Bru. — Well, be it so. Hold out the fatal blade. 
 One! two! three! Off! Confound it, who's afraid? 
 
 [^Bushes on the sword, and falls. 
 This was the way I died, but they relate, 0, 
 That I was murdered by my freedman Strato. 
 
 [Pies. Gassius tahes Ms purse, and runs 
 off with an air of relief. 
 
 Enter Horace humming. 
 
 Sor. — The minstrel-boy from the wars is gone. 
 All out of breath you'll find him ; 
 He has run some five miles off and on. 
 And his shield has flung behind him. 
 
 I hope this spot is out of range of fire. 
 
 Why ! here's the general prostrate in the mire, 
 
 Dead as a stoter on the Brighton line ! 
 
 Speak, my lord Brutus ! Speak ! He gives no sign. 
 
 Woe worth the day ! Woe worth this fatal field ! 
 
 I've lost my leader, thrown away my shield. 
 
 My mother charged me, as she tied her bonnet. 
 
 To come back either with it or upon it. 
 
 My honour could endure no worse disaster 
 
 Unless I voted for myself as Master. 
 
 I'm sure I heartily repent, by Juno, 
 
 Quo mihi pareret legio Bomana tribuno, [Exit 
 
52 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 SCENE VI. 
 
 The head-quarters of Augusttts, near Philippi. 
 
 ATJGTTSTtrs, M^CBNAS, Deciits Mtjs, Ltdia, Horace in 
 custody, Soldiers, Guards, etc. 
 
 Soldier. — My Lord, while foraging the country round, 
 Our skirmishers this prisoner have found ; 
 Who, by his gallant mien and splendid coat. 
 We guess will prove an officer of note. 
 He ran so quickly from the scene of strife 
 That his must be a valuable life. 
 
 Aug. — So young, and yet a rebel ! Oh, for shame ! 
 Are any here acquainted with his name ? 
 
 Dec, M. — This wretched youth, a nursling of sedition, 
 At Athens College holds an exhibition, 
 Which would have gone to me, without a doubt, 
 Had but the founder's will been carried out. 
 When Eome your highness for her consul chose 
 He ventured at the Union to propose 
 " That this assembly views with reprobation 
 " A measure fraught with danger to the nation." 
 A motion which, although opposed by me. 
 Was passed by eighty votes to twenty-three. 
 And in his ode, conceive it if you can, Sir, 
 He dared insert a most Horatian stanza 
 Which speaks of Tully as our forum's pride, 
 A man he knows your highness can't abide. 
 
 Atig. — Enough, his guilt is proved, at least to me. 
 Eig up a gallows on the nearest tree ! 
 What, in reply to all we just have heard. 
 Can you allege that sentence be deferred ? 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. S3 
 
 Hor. — My loved protector, patron kind and true 
 Of hapless genius, I appeal to you. 
 To you, Maecenas, sprung from royal stock, 
 My sweetest glory, and my guardian rock. 
 There are whom it delights with wondrous gust 
 To have collected the Olympic dust — 
 
 Mcec. — Perhaps so, but I can't discover quite 
 How that will help you in your present plight. 
 Unless your circumstances greatly alter 
 You're much more likely to collect a halter. 
 Augustus, spare this most unlucky lad 
 Who's far too idle to be very bad. 
 He sings a sparkling song, can write a bit. 
 And boasts some talent, impudence, and wit. 
 He's asked to every supper in the town ; 
 He got a Camden, and he halved a Browne ; ^ 
 And, as a coping-stone to all his praise, 
 He took a seventh class in both his Mays. 
 
 Atig. — Well, if this budding hero is a poet. 
 We soon will find some means to make him show it. 
 To 'scape the consequences of your frolic. 
 Be pleased to parody the tenth Bucolic. 
 
 Hor.— What haunts detain you on this ill-starred day, 
 
 Castalian Muses, say ? ^ 
 What seat of classic lore, what hallowed stream ? 
 
 Strayed you by sedgy Cam, 
 
 While from the Barnwell dam 
 Tou watch the gambols of the silver bream ? 
 
 ' Of late years the Browne medal for Latin and Greek epigrairs had 
 been divided between the successful competitors in the respective lan- 
 guages: to the annual disgust of both the half-medallists; each of whom, 
 with the partiality of an author, regarded himself as having lest by the 
 change of system. 
 
 " ■' Quae nemora aut qui vos saltus habuere, puellse 
 
 Naiades," &c. 
 
54 HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 Or by the willows weeping 
 
 O'er Cherwell slowly creeping 
 Swoll'n with the suds of many an ancient hall 
 Past Jowett's cloistered cell and Stanley's stall ? 
 Or have ye flown, invoked in boyish song, 
 
 To Harrow's far-seen hill ? 
 
 Or hard by Avon's riU 
 Beloved of Hughes the earnest and the strong. 
 And along Barby-road, and round the Island Goal, 
 And Caldecott's famed spinney do ye stroll 
 
 On this unhappy morn 
 When fair Venusia's tuneful swain 
 Trembling all in captive chain 
 With drooping eyes endures the victor's scorn ? — 
 
 Aug. — Well done ! Ton really have a turn for rhyme. 
 I think we'll hear the rest another time. 
 Maecenas, you'll impress on him, I hope. 
 How very narrowly he missed the rope. 
 I'll give your protege, still more to pleasure ye, 
 A nomination in the public Treasury. 
 So be prepared to pass, on this day week, 
 In hydrostatics, German, French, and Greek, 
 One eastern language, botany, precis, 
 (I don't exactly know what that may be, 
 Nor do I long to probe the fearful mystery,) 
 Pure mathematics, law, and modern history. 
 And as for Decius Mus, — well, stop a bit, 
 I think I know a post for which he's fit, 
 (Unless indeed our partial feelings warp us ;)— 
 I'll make him English lecturer at Corpus, 
 There let him work a total revolution 
 In Clerical and Public Elocution. 
 
 Hor. — My lord Augustus, by the Gods above, 
 This one prayer grant me ! Give me back my love. 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 5£ 
 
 Witliout my Lydia life itself is loss, 
 And Treasury clerkships seem but so much dross. 
 Restore my darling ! Well your poet knows 
 To pay what debt of gratitude he owes. 
 
 Aug. — Let mistress Lydia pick, and pray make haste, 
 Whiche'er of these two fellows suits her taste. 
 Our judgment shall be guided by her voice ; 
 I cannot say I envy her the choice. 
 
 "Donee gratus eram tibi." — Ode ix. Book in. 
 
 Hor. While still you loved your Horace best 
 Of all my peers who round you pressed, 
 (Though not in expurgated versions) 
 More proud I lived than King of Persians; 
 
 Lyd. And while as yet no other dame 
 
 Had kindled in your breast a flame, 
 (Though Niebuhr her existence doubt) 
 I cut historic Ilia out. 
 
 Sor. Dark Chloe now my homage owns, 
 With studied airs, and dulcet tones ; 
 For whom I should not fear to die, 
 If death would pass my charmer by. 
 
 Lyd. I now am lodging at the rus- 
 In-urbe of young Decius Mus. 
 Twice over would I gladly die 
 To see him hit in either eye. 
 
 Hor. But should the old love come again, 
 And Lydia her sway retain ? 
 If to my heart once more I take her, 
 And bid dark Chloe wed the baker ? 
 
56 HOBACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 
 
 Lyd. Though you be treacherous as audit ^ 
 
 When at the fire you've lately thawed it, 
 For Decius Mus no more I'd care 
 Than for their plate the Dons of Clare.^ 
 
 Aug. — In that case, whether you prefer or not, 
 I must insist you take her on the spot. 
 I'll give you, won by her transcendent charms, 
 The choicest of your patron's Sabine farms. 
 There shall you live 'midst garlands, wine, and rhymes. 
 The darling of your own and future times ; 
 And be translated, as a poet should. 
 In prose by Watson and in verse by Good. 
 
 HoEACE and Ltdia embrace. 
 
 Hor. the heavenly bliss 
 
 Of that first long kiss, 
 As in my arms I locked her ; 
 
 When none need shout, 
 
 " Tou fool look out, 
 " Here comes the Senior Proctor ! " 
 
 Aug. Light Hymen's torch. 
 
 And deck the porch ! 
 
 ' Connoisseurs treat audit ale like claret, and place it for a while in 
 front of the fire: but the effect is seldom ascertained; for the corks, 
 (such corks, at any rate, as fall to the portion of gentlemen in statu 
 pupillari,) almost invariably leap from the bottles, and are followed by 
 the best part of the ale. 
 
 ' About this period the authorities of Clare College took it into their 
 heads to sell at the price of old silver some fine plate, said to have been 
 presented to their predecessors immediately after the Kestoration in order 
 to replace that which had been sacrificed in darker times to the royal 
 cause. The proceeding excited in vii-tuoso circles a good deal of con. 
 temptuous astonishment. 
 
HORACE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ATHENS. 67 
 
 May smiling Venus bless you ! 
 
 May Chian flow, 
 
 And roses blow, 
 And critics ne'er distress you ! 
 
 Ilor. But now 'tis late, 
 
 The college gate 
 Has long been shut, I'm certain. 
 
 So thus, kind friends, 
 
 Our story ends, 
 And we must drop the curtain. 
 
THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA: 
 
 A CLASSIC DREAM. 
 
 IN the year 1858 there appeared at Cambridge the 
 " Lion," a magazine very creditably conducted, written 
 chiefly or entirely by undergraduates. It displayed Trans- 
 cendental tendencies, which, combined with the belief that 
 some of the contributors knew a good deal of German and 
 the certainty that others knew very little Latin, excited the 
 bitter wrath of those young men who aspired to classical 
 honours, and among them of the author, who parodied the 
 first number in a performance entitled the " Bear." A 
 second number of the obnoxious publication soon followed, 
 and produced the "Cambridge Dionysia," which was 
 written in a frenzy of boyish indignation. The " Lion " 
 survived this renewed assault, and got eventually into a 
 third number : — which for a University periodical may be 
 considered an instance of longevity. 
 
 The prose portion of the " Dionysia " was written for 
 a circle of readers who were obliged from the necessities 
 of their position annually to make themselves masters of 
 the smallest details in the celebration of the Bacchic 
 festivals ; and may still amuse such of them as retain their 
 hold on the main outlines of that somewhat unprofitable 
 field of knowledge. The verse is in imitation of an 
 Athenian Comedy. Whether it be that the author's mind 
 was at the time more G-reek than English : — or that Cam- 
 bridge society was so limited as to admit of the personal 
 allusions being generally intelligible, and, if truth be told. 
 
60 THE CAMBRIDGE DION Y SI A: 
 
 rather scurrilous : — or that the style and tone of a writer 
 are most readily assimilated by those at his own period 
 of life ; (and, according to the received chronology, the 
 great poet produced the Knights and the Acharnians while 
 emerging from, his teens :)— from some or all of these 
 causes it happens that this trifle, while most inadequately 
 representing the humour, the vigour, the fertility, the 
 exquisite fancy of the comedian, faithfully enough repro- 
 duces his mannerism. Among the more superficial Aris- 
 tophanic qualities which the "Dionysia " reflects may be 
 included a wilful ignorance of the subjects satirised. The 
 author was at least as hopelessly unacquainted with the 
 notions of Emerson as Aristophanes was with the tenets 
 of Socrates : whose teaching he supposed to consist in 
 natural history, for which the philosopher had a strong 
 distaste, and in forensic rhetoric, for which he entertained 
 an intense and immortal aversion. 
 
 The plot, and much of the text, are in pretty close 
 paraphrase of the " Wasps " : — a drama widely known in the 
 modem and rather awkward dress of Eacine's " Plaideurs." 
 By a fortunate chance the names of the two principal 
 characters in the original play required nothing but the 
 insertion of a single letter to adapt them for Cambridge 
 use : and Philoleon answers to the Athenian dotard who 
 is placed under tutelage by his own son, with feelings em- 
 bittered by the reflection that he is "an only father." 
 Happy time, when an undergraduate in his last year of 
 residence seemed an impersonation of old age ! 
 
A CLASSIC DREAM. 61 
 
 Teinitt College, November, 1858. 
 
 On the first Audit-day of this year Shillibere, with -whom 
 I was engaged upon the Wasps of Aristophanes, told me 
 that as it was the irtBoiyia^ he would excuse my reading 
 with him, but bade me get up the subject of the Dionysiac 
 festivals against our next meeting. I took a longer walk 
 than was my wont, and by hall-time was quite ready to 
 appreciate the fact of its being a Teast. After dinner 
 Barlow, the Bachelor Scholar, came to my rooms, and we 
 sat late, drinking sherry, and discussing the merits of the 
 ale at the different colleges. When he had gone I took 
 down the Wasps, but somehow or other I could not make 
 much of them. So I drew my easy-chair to the fire, filled 
 my pipe, and opened Smith's Antiquities on the article 
 " Dionysia." But the Greek words bothered me, and I was 
 too lazy to rise for a Lexicon. So I fell a thinking on 
 Athens, and what glorious fun the festival must have been. 
 I can recollect nothing more till I found myself in the midst 
 of a strange dream. And yet, marvellous as it was, nothing 
 seemed to surprise me ; but I took it for granted that every- 
 thing was perfectly natural and consistent. And the dream 
 was as follows : 
 
 I was still sitting in my rooms vnth my books before 
 me : but it was broad daylight, and a lovely morning, such 
 as sometimes breaks upon us, even at Cambridge, in the 
 beginning of November. The courts were very quiet, but 
 I heard a constant shouting in the distance, as if there was 
 
 ' The classic mind of the great coach might well find an analogy 
 between the day in the rubric of old Athens which derived its name 
 from the opening of the casks to taste the wine of the preceding year, 
 and the day in the calendar of modern Trinity when by solemn custom 
 the fresh brew of college ale flows in mediajval abundance. 
 
62 THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA; 
 
 some tunmlt in the streets. Suddenly the door flung open, 
 and Barlow appeared. He looted flushed and excited ; on 
 his head was a garland of ivy-leaves, and he swung in his 
 hand a pewter. " Shut up your books," he cried : " no 
 reading on the iridotyla. If you do another equation I'll 
 inform against you for impiety. The Grod, the jolly Grod, 
 hates Colenso worse than he hated Pentheus. I've come 
 to fetch you to the theatre, vp^hether you will or no. There 
 is a new comedy to be represented, and all the University 
 will be there. By Hercules, I hope they'll hit the autho- 
 rities hard. When the performance is over we sup with 
 Eumbold of Gains, culinary Caius, the head-quarters of 
 good living. I am king of the feast, and not a soul shall 
 get off under three bottles. We have stolen the chaplets 
 from the Botanical Gardens ; Ingrey sends the dessert, 
 and Stratton has promised to bring two flute-players from 
 
 Barn ." Here I started up, crying, " Barlow, lead on ! 
 
 I'm your man." And we danced out of the New Court 
 gate, and up the lane into Trinity-street. And there was 
 a sight that made my heart leap. 
 
 The whole road was crowded •with men, all in the 
 wildest state of joy and liquor. Every one acknowledged 
 the presence of the God, to whom liberty and license are 
 dear. Laughing, singing, cheering, jesting, they were pour- 
 ing in an unbroken stream towards Magdalen-bridge. Gyps 
 mingled with the throng, enjoying perfect freedom, and 
 equality on this day of the year. Ever and anon some fresh 
 band of revellers issued from the colleges and lodging-houses 
 on the way, and swelled the main flood. Here came a mob 
 of Queens' men, sweeping the street, and roaring at the 
 pitch of their voices, " For he's a jolly good fellow : " re- 
 ferring probably to the late senior wrangler. There, from 
 the great gate of Harry the Eighth, streamed forth the 
 whole club of Third Trinity. In front, arm-in-arm, strode 
 the victorious four ; while elevated on the shoulders of the 
 
A CLASSIC DREAM. 63 
 
 crew of the second boat sat the secretary, his temples 
 crowned with roses, riding a huge barrel, and bearing in his 
 hand a silver bowl foaming with cider-cup. As we passed 
 All Saints'-passage, from the direction of the Hoop Inn 
 there moved a goodlj company, twenty-five or thirty in 
 number, and my companion whispered me that this was the 
 Historical Society, and bawled out to them to ask whether 
 Ehzabeth was justified in putting Mary to death.' And just 
 inside the gateway of St. John's College there was a group 
 of young men who successively tried to dance on an inflated 
 pigskin. And he who danced best received a draught of 
 their ale. And presently there came by a drunken Trinity 
 sizar, who, after a successful trial, took the flagon, but when 
 he had tasted, he cursed, and spit, and swore no Trinity 
 shoe-black would condescend to drink it. Upon which 
 a stout Johnian kicked his shins, and, as it was evident 
 that trouble would ensue, and that we as men of the same 
 College would be implicated in it, we hurried away, not 
 wishing to desecrate the festival of the G-od by evil feelings. 
 And on Magdalen-bridge was seated a knot of idle fellows 
 who chaffed all the passers-by. And among others they 
 told a solitary individual in a Downing-gown that he was 
 so few that his College did not think it worth its while to 
 brew for him, but had sent out for a gallon of swipes from 
 the Eagle for his special consumption. So at last we 
 arrived at the gate of the theatre, and after paying three- 
 pence each, which liad been furnished us from the TJniversity 
 Chest, we went in and sat down. 
 
 One side of the Castle-hill had been hollowed out into 
 
 ' The Historical Society took its rise at a time when the debates 
 at the Union had given such an impulse to oratory that men were found 
 who thought once a week not often enough for discussing to what extent 
 Hampden was legally authorised in resisting the imposition of ship- 
 money, and whether Addison or the Duke of Marlborough most deserved 
 the admiration of posterity. 
 
64 THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA ; 
 
 a spacious theatre. Tier above tier the long benches rose 
 to the summit of the slope. In the front seats were the 
 Vice-chancellor, and the heads of colleges, and doctors of 
 divinity, and professors, and noblemen, and all who could 
 claim founders' kin. And the rest of the space was filled 
 to overflowing with undergraduates and "bachelors. But 
 all females were excluded from the spectacle. And the 
 throng was very clamorous, and many were provided with 
 oranges, and nuts, and even stones, wherewith to pelt the 
 unpopular actors. And in the orchestra was an altar, at 
 which Shillibere stood, crowned with ivy, and robed in a 
 long white robe. And from time to time he poured copious 
 libations of ale upon the ground. 
 
 And the stage was veiled with a great curtain, em- 
 broidered with the loves and deeds of ancient and godlike 
 men. And there I saw how the chosen heroes had 
 launched a boat of pristine build, and ventured down the 
 river in search of the Grolden Meece, where, as rumour 
 said, the beer which the immortals drank was brewed. 
 And I saw too how, as they passed along the black water, 
 the first prow which had ploughed those waves, the men 
 of Barnwell came down to the shore to wonder at the 
 strange sight. And how, near the Stygian ferry, they 
 came upon a fierce race, who seized their boat with long 
 poles, and threw with unerring aim brickbats which ten 
 bargemen of these days would in vain attempt to lift. 
 And how, when at length they had found the Grolden 
 Fleece, their young chief was captured by the landlord and 
 his friends, and locked up in darkness and solitude. But 
 the black-haired daughter of the inn, who was cunning at 
 medicating ales and knew the virtues of strychnine and all 
 bitter herbs, was charmed with the flowing ringlets and 
 easy tongue of the youth. And she stole the key from her 
 father while he was overcome with drink, and eloped to 
 the boat with her new lover. 
 
A CLASSIC DREAM. 65 
 
 All this I saw, and much more. And next me sat a 
 staid bachelor, who seemed as if he had taken no part in 
 the jollity of the morning. So we fell into conversation, 
 and he told me how the theatre had been built under the 
 inspection of Dr. Donaldson, from a comparison of plans 
 furnished by freshmen in the Trinity College examinations. 
 And he said that the festival of this year was jovial 
 beyond any that had preceded it; for that the public 
 mind had just recovered from the painful excitement 
 caused by the mutilation of the statues on .the roof of 
 Trinity library : which act men had suspected to be part 
 of a plot for overturning the constitution of the Univer- 
 sity, and delivering us over to the Commissioners. And 
 that report said there would be two Choruses in this play. 
 And that fourteen First Trinity jerseys had been ordered 
 from Searle's, and one of great size for the Coryphaeus. 
 And he would have said more, but a tipsy Pembroke man 
 bade him hold his tongue, or he would bring against him 
 an action of sacrilege at the next private business meeting 
 in the Union, for disturbing the worship of the Grod. So 
 we looked, and the curtain had already been drawn down. 
 And the scene disclosed was in the Old Court of Trinity, 
 letter Z ; and two gyps were asleep outside the door ; and 
 the clock struck six, and first one started up, and then the 
 other. 
 
 Gyp A. — I dreamed we both were waiting in the Hall 
 Serving refreshments at the Bachelors' Ball. 
 There, gayest trifler in the throng of dancers. 
 Was Clayton ' cutting figures in the Lancers. 
 
 ' This gentleman preached an annual sermon against the Bachelors' 
 Ball : a festival about which reading men talked a great deal, but at 
 which they would as soon have thought of appearing as Mr. Clayton 
 himself. 
 
66 THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA: 
 
 Gyp B. — Well dreamt ! But I have dreams as fine as 
 you. 
 Here's one as marvellous, and just as true. 
 Methought I heard our Ehadamanthine Mayor 
 Deal justice from the magisterial chair. 
 A Corpus sizar had been well-nigh slain 
 By fifteen blackguards in St. Botolph's Lane. 
 The Mayor approved his fellow-townsinen's pluck, 
 And fined the plaintiff two-pound-ten for luck. 
 As pensively he rubbed his broken head, 
 " Confound old Currier Balls ! " the gownsman said.' 
 
 Gyp A. — Come now, I'll chat a little with the audience. 
 Our master here, who keeps in the top-story. 
 Honest Philoleon, for his first three years 
 Led a most quiet and gentlemanly life. 
 He was not gated more than twice a term ; 
 He read three hours a-day, rode every week ; 
 Last year pulled seven in our second boat. 
 In all things moderation was his motto. 
 But now he's gone stark mad ; and you must guess 
 What sort his madness is.' [To the spectators. 
 
 Gyp B. — That Queens' man there 
 Says that he's bent on being senior wrangler.' 
 
 Gyp A. — 'So, no ; he won't be old enough these ten years. 
 
 1 In this autumn freqxient collisions occuri-ed between the boating- 
 men of the University and the police. The most obnoxious member 
 of the force was a certain 20 C, or 20 K, who is more than once alludnd 
 to in the course of this Drama. Mr. Balls, the Mayor for the time 
 being, had pretty constantly to sit in judgment on cases of assault and 
 battery. 
 
 * iTTfit TOTrdt^ere. 
 
 Afivviag [ikv 6 Upovd-TTOv ^tr' ovroai 
 elvai ^CKoKvfiov aiirov k. t. \. — Wasps, line 73, 
 
 = Queens' college carried off the blue riband in the years 1857 and 
 1858, in the person of champions who, according to the gossip of the 
 senate-house, were by some years senior to their competitors. 
 
A CLASSIC DREAM. Q"; 
 
 Gyp B. — And that black-wliiskered noisy party yonder, 
 Sitting amongst a group of Harrow freshmen/ 
 Guesses he aims at office in the Union. 
 
 Gyp. A. — ^What, to be called united and compact. 
 And to be chaffed in the suggestion book ? 
 Not quite so low as that. Come, try again. 
 D'ye give it up ? Well, listen, and I'll tell you. 
 One Sunday evening last May term at tea 
 He met by chance a troop of roaring Lions, 
 And came back swearing he must join their number. 
 Or give up hopes of immortality! 
 From that day forth he ran about the college, 
 Talking of " Truth," and " Eealised Ideals " ; 
 And asking men to give him a irnv a-a ; ^ 
 And telling them he saw within their eyes 
 Symptoms which marked affinity of souls. 
 So, in this state of things, his younger brother 
 Bdelyleon came up -this term to College, 
 A sensible sharp-tempered Eton freshman ; 
 Who, when he saw his brother's strange distemper. 
 Blushed for himseM and for the family. 
 And first he tried -by pleasing the old fellow 
 
 ' During the spring of 1858 a ministerial crisis occurred in the 
 Union Society. The official element had become unpopular among the 
 mass of the boating-men : whom in their turn the bureaucracy stigma- 
 tised by the epithet of " the bargees." The most noisy orator of the 
 opposition was a Harrow freshman : who, upon one occasion, began a 
 withering peroration with the words " there they sit, compact, united : " 
 indicating at the same time the Government bench by a sweep of the 
 arm : an amount of gesticulation so unprecedented within those walls as 
 to convulse the audience with emotion. Party spirit at length i-an so 
 high, and the attendance was consequently so large, that a stand-and- 
 faU division was taken in the neighbouring auction-rooms 5 the Union 
 itself having become nearly as uncomfortable as the House of Commons 
 on an ordinary business night. 
 
 ' " Give us a ■aov arSi, and we will move the world." — Extract from 
 the Preface to the " Lion." 
 
63 THE CAMBRIDGE DIOSrSIA: 
 
 To wean him from his hobby ; taught him songs, 
 
 And took him out to supper : but whenever 
 
 His health was drunk, and he was asked to sing, 
 
 He spoke straight off a canto from " St. Clair." ' 
 
 And then he dressed him in his best, and washed him, 
 
 And got him made a member of the Musical : 
 
 But, at the first rehearsal, ofE he ran, 
 
 His fiddle on his back, and never stopped 
 
 Till he was inside Palmer's Printing-office. 
 
 So, vexed and wearied at his constant folly. 
 
 The young one locked him up within his rooms. 
 
 And placed us here on sentry, day and night. 
 
 But the old chap is sly, and full of tricks, 
 
 And loves his liberty. 
 
 [Philoleon appears at the window. 
 
 Phil. — Hallo, you scoundrel ! 
 Just let me out : 'tis time to go to lecture. 
 
 Gyp. A. — Why you're a questionist : you have no lec- 
 tures. 
 
 \_Enter Bdeltleon- 
 
 Bdel. — Was ever freshman plagued with such a brother ? 
 What have I done that I deserve this evil ? 
 I never was undutiful ; I never 
 Have read a line of Alexander Smith ; 
 Nor picked a pocket ; nor worn peg-top trousers ; 
 Nor taken notes at any college lecture. 
 Who calls dame Portane blind does not bely her. 
 
 Phil. — I want a supper order from my tutor. 
 
 Bdel. — No, no, old boy, I took good care of that : 
 I got you an segrotat. Sold again ! 
 Where are you now ? Good heavens ! 
 
 [Philoleon puts his head out of the chimney. 
 
 ' A poem in Octosyllabics, entitled " St. Clair," was among the con- 
 tributions to the " Lion," which was published by Mr. Palmer. 
 
A CLASSIC DREAM. C9 
 
 Phil. I'm the smolce.' 
 
 Bdel. — Confoimd the man who altered all our chim- 
 neys! 
 Jackson, run up, and beat him with the pewter 
 Till he backs water ; then clap on a sack. 
 
 [Philoleon reappears at the window. 
 Phil. — Lord St. Clair, on bended knee 
 I charge you set the maiden free ! 
 
 Bdel. — In mercy stop that nonsense quick. 
 Tour Lion always makes me sick. 
 I feel as ill as when I tried 
 My first and only Smoker's Pride. 
 
 Phil. — may the curses of the Gods Ught on you ! 
 And may you wallow in the lowest Hades, 
 Along with all the men who've struck their Tutor, 
 Or laid against the boat-club of their College, 
 Or caught a crab just opposite the Plough : 
 In that sad place of punishment and woe 
 Where lectures last from early dawn till noon. 
 And where the gate-fines rival those at Christ's, 
 And there's a change of Proctors every week ! ^ 
 Then you'll repent of having used me thus. 
 
 Bdel. — You blasphemous old villain ! Come, you 
 fellows. 
 We all must need some coffee this cold morning. 
 
 l^Enter Chorus of writers of the " Lion," preceded 
 hy a chorister hearing a lantern. 
 Chorus A.- — Eosy-fingered dawn is breaking o'er the 
 fretted roof of King's. 
 Bright and frosty is the" morning. Sharp and clear each 
 footfall rings. 
 
 ' oSrofj TiQ el ail ; 
 
 Kmtvoi lyiiiy' i^spxa/iai. — Wasps, line 144. 
 ^ New Proctors are as much dreaded in the quadrangles as new 
 ministers in the public oitices. 
 
70 THE CAMBBIDGE DIONYSIA: 
 
 G-yps across tlie court are hurrying with the early breads 
 
 and butters. 
 Blithely hums the Master's butler while he's taking down 
 
 the shutters. 
 In our rooms we left the kettle gaily singing on the coals ; 
 And within the grate are steaming eggs, and ham, and 
 
 toast, and rolls. 
 Soon we'll have a jovial breakfast with the members of 
 
 our mesa, 
 Chatting of our darling project, future hopes, and past 
 
 success. 
 We have come to fetch our brother. What can cause his 
 
 long delay ? 
 It was not his wont to keep us shivering here the livelong 
 
 day. 
 He was always sharp and sprightly when the Lion was in 
 
 question ; 
 Ever ready with an Essay ; ever prompt with a suggestion. 
 Surely he must be offended 
 
 At our leaving out his poem : 
 Yet no insult was intended. 
 
 As our want of space must show him. 
 Or perchance he came home jolly. 
 
 Wishing to knock down the porter. 
 And lies cursing at his folly 
 
 With a tongue that tastes like mortar. 
 Shew yourself upon the landing : 
 
 Hear your loved companions' groans : 
 For our feet are sore with standing 
 On the rugged Old Court stones. 
 
 [Philoleon shews himself at the window. 
 Phil. — Comrades, when I heard your voices, how my 
 heart within me leapt ! 
 Thoughts of happier days came o'er my spirit, and I almost 
 wept : — 
 
A CLASSIC DREAM. 71 
 
 Those bright days when free and happy with some tindred 
 
 soul I strayed 
 Talking of The Unconditioned up and down the chesnut 
 
 glade. 
 Now a cruel younger brother keeps me under lock and key. 
 Those I hate are always hy me. Those I love I may not 
 
 see. 
 my own, my cherished Lion, offspring of my cares and 
 
 toil. 
 Would that I and thou were lying underneath the AH 
 
 Saints' soil! 
 Drop your voices, dear companions, lest you rouse a sleep- 
 ing Bear. 
 Chorus A. — ^Does he then despise our anger ? All m^n 
 
 know who ate Don't Care. 
 Never fear him! We'll protect you. Do not heed his 
 
 threats and frowns. 
 Say your prayers, and jump down boldly ! We will catch 
 
 you in our gowns. 
 
 [Philoleon places Ms leg over the window-sill, 
 hut is seized from behind hy Bdeltleon. 
 Bdel. — Not so fast, you old deceiver ! From your evil 
 
 courses turn. 
 Never will I tamely let you join in such a vile concern. 
 Sooner than behold my brother sunk to such a depth of 
 
 scorn 
 Gladly would I bear to see him walking on a Sunday morn 
 'Twixt a pair of pupil-teachers, all the length of Jesus-lane, 
 With a school of dirty children slowly shambling in his 
 
 train : 
 Or behold him in the Union, on the Presidential seat, 
 Shakspeare "■ smiling blandly o'er him, freshmen ranting at 
 
 his feet. 
 
 ^ In the old Union a Shaksperian bust of more than ordinary vapidity 
 formed a prominent object above the head of the President. 
 
72 THE CAMBRIDGE DIONISIA: 
 
 Get you gone, you pack of scoundrels ! Don't stand bawl- 
 ing here all day. 
 Williams, fetcli me out tlie slop-pail: Jackson, run for 
 
 20 K! 
 Chorus A. — Slay the despot ! Slay the tyrant ! Him 
 
 who cannot brook to see 
 All his neighbours dwelling round him peaceable, secure, 
 
 and free. 
 Well I know you've long been plotting how to seize the 
 
 Castle-hill 
 With a band of hired assassins, there to work your cruel 
 
 will. 
 Let the man who wrote " the Syrens " make a feint upon 
 
 the door : 
 Bring us ladders, ropes, and axes ; we must storm the 
 
 second floor. 
 
 [Enter Chorus of First Trinity boating-men. 
 Chorus B. — Here they are. Upon them boldly ! Double 
 
 quick across the grass ! 
 Cut them off from Bishop's Hostel, lest along the wall they 
 
 pass ! 
 Forward, Darroch ! Forward, Perring ! Charge them, 
 
 Lyle, and now remember 
 'Gainst what odds you fought and conquered on the fifth 
 
 of last November : 
 When you broke with one brave comrade through an 
 
 armed and murderous mob. 
 Fear not an sesthetic humbug, you who've faced a Cam- 
 bridge snob. 
 Men of twelve stone, in the centre ! Coxswains, skirmish 
 
 on the flank ! 
 You're too eager there, you youngsters : Jones and 
 
 Prickard, keep your rank ! 
 Do not stay to spoil the fallen while a soul is left 
 
 alive : 
 
A CLASSIC DHL' AM. 73 
 
 "We must smoke them, out and kill them, now we've caught 
 them in the hive. 
 
 [They charge the writers in the " Lion," 
 who fly in all directions. 
 Victory ! Victory ! now for a shout 
 As when we bumped the Johnians out ! 
 Vain was the might of Elective A ffinities 
 When brought face to face with our valiant First Trinities. 
 Victory ! Victory ! Huzza ! Tantivy ! 
 For when a man 
 Who can hardly scan 
 Talks of " the pictured page of Livy," 
 'Tis time for every lad of sense 
 To arm in honesty's defence 
 As if the French were steaming over 
 In rams of iron from Brest to Dover. 
 
 [Bdeltleon comes out leading Philoleon 
 dressed in a First Trinity costume. 
 Bdel. — Thank you, my brave allies ! And now to prove 
 The confidence I have in your discretion 
 I here entrust to you my elder brother, 
 To watch his morals, and to cure his madness. 
 So treat him kindly ; put him in a tub. 
 And take him down the river every day ; 
 And see that no one asks him out to supper, 
 To make him tipsy. Be not hard upon him, 
 But let him have his pipe and glass of sherry. 
 Since he is old and foolish. And, if ever 
 He comes back sound in body and in mind, 
 I'U stand you claret at the next club-meeting. 
 
 [Exit Bdbltleon. 
 
74 THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA: 
 
 PAEABASIS. 
 
 We -wisli to praise our poet, who despising fame and pelf 
 riew like a buU-dog at the throat of the jagged toothed 
 
 monster itself ' 
 Which rages over all the town, from Magdalene-bridge to 
 
 Downing, 
 With the bray of a dreamy German ass 'neath the hide of 
 
 Eobert Browning. 
 But some of you good fellows think, as the poet grieves to 
 
 hear. 
 That you are laughed at in "the Bears," the play he 
 
 wrote last year : 
 So he assures you faithfully no insult was intended. 
 Do not cherish bitter feelings ; for least said is soonest 
 mended. 
 
 And next he bids us tax our wit 
 To tell some members of the Pitt, 
 Whose names he knows not, when they meet 
 Him passing into Sidney- street, 
 Not to bawl out " The Bear, The Bear ! " 
 First because he does not care : 
 Then surely for a man of taste 
 It is a sin and shame to waste 
 In calling nicknames near the Hoop 
 The breath that's given to cool our soup. 
 So, being a good-tempered bard. 
 Whichever of them leaves his card 
 He'll ask him out next week to dine, 
 And shake hands o'er a glass of wine. 
 And now he bids you all good evening, and farewell till 
 next October ; 
 
 ' QpaakiDQ avardg liGiie cm' apxvQ avnf rif Kap'yapoiovTi. 
 
 Wasps, line 1031. 
 
A CLASSIC DREAM. 75 
 
 And hopes to-night you'll sup lite princes, and that none 
 
 will go home sober. 
 If policeman K arrests you, let not that your spirits damp : 
 Break his head, and shave his whiskers, and suspend him 
 
 to the lamp.' 
 
 ' This advice was taken only too literally. The officer in question, 
 on the night of the First Ti'inity boat-supper, ventured within the gates 
 of the college, and was there maltreated in a manner that led, if the 
 author's recollection serves, to the incarceration of some of the offenders. 
 The prosecutor commented with much severity upon the concluding 
 lines of the " Dionysia." 
 
THE DAWK BUNGALOW; 
 
 OR, "IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA?" 
 
 THIS play takes its name from the comfortless hostel - 
 ries of India : in which the larder consists of a live 
 fowl, and the accommodation of three rooms on the ground- 
 floor, less than half-furnished even according to Oriental 
 notions of furniture : the traveller being supposed to bring 
 with him bread, beer, and bedding. The leading character 
 is a lady of the old school, full of the ideas which that 
 school is vaguely supposed to entertain : — the rivalry be- 
 tween the judicial and the administrative, or " revenue," 
 lines of the Service : — the contempt for non-official people, 
 whom she classes indiscriminately as "interlopers" : — and 
 a strong preference, (amounting in her case almost to a 
 monomania,) for a permanent over an acting appointment. 
 In Civilian parlance an employe who does vicarious duty 
 for another is " cutcha," unless he be "confirmed" in his 
 position, when he rises to the dignity of being " pucka," 
 a word which denotes generally the perfect and the mature. 
 Sucking Competition Wallahs may acquire from these pages 
 some foretaste of Anglo-Indian slang ; but they must be 
 careful to bear in mind that the author is anything but a 
 purist in Hindoostanee. The Dawk Bungalow was first 
 acted at the residence of the Lieutenant- Grovernor of 
 Bengal, before an audience nine-tenths of which held 
 either pucka or cutcha appointments. 
 
DRAMATIS PERSONiE. 
 
 Mr. JnDKiNS, Commissioner of Btidgemahal. 
 
 The Hon. Mr. Horace Cholmondelet, M.P., a Gentleman travelling 
 
 in search offaxts. 
 lAeiit. Maksden, of the B.N.I., Acting-Asmtant-Sub-Deputy-Inspeotor 
 
 of Bridges in the Public Wor/cs Department. 
 Abdool, a Madras Boy in the service of Mr. Cholmondelet. 
 The KHANBAtTMADN oT Stewakd of the Bawk Bvmgalom at MuoJcapore 
 
 Bikra. 
 Mrs. Smaet, Wife of the Judge of B-udgemahal. 
 Miss Fanny Smakt, her Laughter. 
 Susan Thackek, her European Lady's-maid, 
 
THE DAWK BUNGALOW. 79 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 The Centre Boom in the Bawk Bungalow at Muclcapore 
 Bikra. 
 
 A Bedstead and Table on opposite sides of the Apartment. 
 
 Enter Cholmondelet and Abdool, 
 
 G. — Hi, there ! Landlord ! Landlord ! 
 
 A. — Ho ! Khansaumaun ! [Enter Khansattmattn. 
 
 K. — Salaam, Sahib. 
 
 G. — Why didn't you come before, you lazy old rascal ? 
 Abdool, tell him to bring some soda-water. 
 
 A. — Ho, Khansaumaun — Belattee pawnee, brandy 
 shrub ! 
 
 G. — Abdool, let the landlord know that he had better 
 make me comfortable. Tell him that I am an English 
 gentleman of good family. Tell him, too, that I am related 
 to the first Lord of the Admiralty. 
 
 A. — ^Ho, Khansaumaun ! Sahib Burra Mahngee ke Bhai 
 hai. Sahib Belattee koolin brahmin hai.' 
 
 K—Bah Wah ! 
 
 G. — Now I flatter myself that I have impressed him 
 sufficiently. Abdool, ask him whether there are any letters 
 for Mr. Cholmondeley. 
 
 A. — Chulmungular Sahib ke wasti chittee hi ? 
 
 [Khansaumaun gives a letter. 
 
 G. — Here is a hand I ought to know. Why, it's from 
 my old school-fellow Tom Blake, the Junior Secretary in 
 the Home Department. Let me see what he says. [Beads.] 
 
 ' " Ho, Khansaumaun ! the Saliib is the brother of the great bargee. 
 The Sahib is an English high-caste Brahmin." 
 
80 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; OB, 
 
 " Dear Chum, Very glad you enjoy your tour. Sorry I 
 can't join you. My chief keeps me tight to work. Takes 
 no holidays himself. Gives me fewer still." Tom's style 
 is curt. He is said to get through more work in a given 
 time ^than any man in the secretariat ; and, gad, I begin 
 to understand how he earns his reputation. [Beads]—" I 
 enclose a letter of introduction to old Judkins, the Com- 
 missioner of Budgemahal. Tell you more about Waste 
 Lands than any man in India. Wrote a report so long 
 that the Lieutenant-Governor would not read it, and gave 
 him Budgemahal to get him out of the way. Telegraphed 
 to you on Friday week to say I would not come." Hullo, 
 Abdool, has a telegraph come for nae ? 
 
 A. — No, master. Master not understand Indian system 
 of telegrumps. Suppose Blake Sahib want send telegrump 
 to master, he send telegrump Friday. Next Monday he 
 write letter. Master get letter first : tell him contents of 
 telegrump. Two, three day after telegrump done coming. 
 Master then know what to expect. That way no mistake 
 made. 
 
 C. — ! that is the case, is it ? I'll make a note of that 
 in my commonplace-book. [Writes] — " Telegraph in India 
 employed as auxiliary to epistolary communication." Gad ! 
 I've neglected my commonplace-book lately. I must make 
 up for lost time. But, while I think of it, let me settle my 
 accounts. Abdool, what have you paid for me since yester- 
 day morning ? 
 
 A. — Master drive three dawks yesterday. Give syce 
 three rupee, grass-cutter two rupee. Three syce three 
 grass-cutter fifteen rupee. That make one gold mohur. 
 
 C. — That seems rather a high rate of tips, considering 
 •uhat the longest stage was under six miles. 
 
 A.- — 0, master plenty Burra Lord Sahib. Chota' Sahib 
 
 1 Little. 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA ? g] 
 
 one rupee give. Burra Sahib two rupee. Burra Lord 
 Sahib three rupee. 
 
 C. — Well, the man's right. G-ad, the man's right. But 
 what did you pay at the bungalow where we stopped last 
 night ? 
 
 A. — Bungalow servants, three rupee yeight anna. Beer 
 shrub, two rupee yeight anna. Master's bed, five rupee. 
 
 0. — Five rupees for the privilege of laying my mattress 
 in an apartment shared by seven other individuals, where 
 I was kept awate the first half of the night by two 
 civilians discussing the respective merits of ryotwaree and 
 village tenures, and the last half by two planters abusing 
 the Secretary of State for India ! "Well, go on. 
 
 A. — Coolies, ten rupee. 
 
 C. — What ! Ten rupees for carrying my baggage from 
 the ghaut to the dog- cart ? 
 
 A. — Master's bokkus plenty heavy. Wages plenty too 
 much high. Coolies dig at Eeproduckertive Pubberlic 
 Workus. Coolie now get three rupee a day. 
 
 C. — Gad so. Very true. [TFri/es] — " Labour market 
 sensibly understocked. Impulse given to trade by demand 
 for cotton. Unskilled labour out here paid higher than 
 skilled labour at home." Go ahead. 
 
 A. — Light for cheroot, yeight anna. Master's dinner, 
 twelve rupee. 
 
 C. — Why, I'd nothing but one curried fowl, and that 
 fowl had no wings or breast. And, now that I come to 
 think of it, the fowl I had the day before yesterday had 
 no wings or breast either. How's that, Abdool ? 
 
 A. — Sahib, these Bengal fowls no wings got. Bad fowl 
 these. Madras fowl plenty too much wings got. 
 
 G. — 0, well, wings or no wings, I'm mortally tired of 
 fowls. I've had nothing for the last week but those un- 
 lucky birds, except, indeed a pot of preserved grouse 
 which had been left by an officer who was quartered in 
 
82 THE DAWK BUSG ALOW; OB, 
 
 these parts during the mutiny. [Clucking heard outside.] 
 What's that ? 
 
 A. — Master's dinner done killing. 
 
 C. — Lord ! another fowl ! Well, what's the total of 
 my account? 
 
 A. — Forty-nine rupee, twelve anna. 
 
 0. — Here's a fifty-rupee note. Never mind the odd 
 annas. You may keep them for yourself. 
 
 A. — 0, master very kind. Plenty much thanks to 
 master. [Exit Cholmondelet into Bedroom.] Ha ! ha ! 
 — Master plenty wise Sahib. He know plenty much 
 about Indian institutions. He not know greatest institu- 
 tion of all. He never heard of dustoorie.' Wah ! Wah ! 
 Here come one Burrah Mem Sahib, and one plenty pretty 
 Missy Baba ! [Enter Mrs. Smart and Pannt, followed by 
 SrsAN Thackek.] Salaam, Lady ! 
 
 F. — La, Ma, what a well-dressed bearer ! I wonder 
 who he belongs to. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Kiska Nowkar ? ^ 
 
 A. — My master Chulmimgular Sahib. Plenty great 
 Sahib he. Member of Council for making Laws and Regu- 
 lations for Presidency of England. [Exit Abdool. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Good gracious, Fanny, this must be Mr. 
 Cholmondeley, the young Member of Parliament, about 
 whom Mrs. Foley wrote to us from Calcutta. How for- 
 tunate we are in having met him here ! Now listen, my 
 dear ! I insist on your making yourseK agreeable to him. 
 Don't frown. Miss. I insist upon it. 
 
 F. — I don't know what you mean by making myself 
 agreeable. Ma. If I try to make myself more agreeable 
 than Heaven made me, that would be flying in the face of 
 Providence. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Silence, Fanny. Since that young Marsden 
 
 ' The commission pocketed by servants. 
 2 " Whose servant are you ? " 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA? 83 
 
 came to the station your undutif ulness has been past bear- 
 ing. I wish he had been under the scaffolding when the 
 roof of that new cutcherry which he was building fell in, 
 and killed two mookhtars ' and your Pa's principal Sudder 
 Ameen.^ 
 
 F. — How wicked of you to speak so, Mamma! I'm 
 sure I don't know why you are always abusing that poor 
 Mr. Marsden. I believe it's only because I care for him ; 
 and why shouldn't I care for him, I should like to know ? 
 iCries.'] 
 
 Mrs. S. — Why shouldn't you care for him, you abandoned 
 girl? That I should live to hear my daughter ask such 
 a question. Are you not aware, Fanny, that he is only 
 J.cimgr. Assistant-Sub-Deputy-Inspector ? Do you imagine 
 that I should give my child to a man whose appointment 
 was not pucka ? 
 
 F. — But, Mamma, is Mr. Cholmondeley's appointment 
 pucka ? 
 
 Mrs. 8. — ^How can you talk such nonsense, child ? One 
 would think you only came out at the end of this cold 
 weather, instead of during the rains before last. Mr. 
 Cholmondeley is a landed gentleman, and draws twelve 
 thousand rupees a month from his estates in Derbyshire, 
 besides holding Government paper to a large amount. 
 
 F. — ^Well, Ma, I don't see what that matters to us. You 
 don't suppose he came to India to look for a wife ? He 
 might have found plenty of girls at home who would endure 
 to marry twelve thousand a month. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Choopraho ! Tou are a naughty, impertinent, 
 self-willed girl. I have a good mind to counter-order the 
 Europe ball-dress which is coming out for you by the first 
 steamer in October. 
 
 F. — ^Why, Ma, you are always throwing that Europe 
 
 ' Attorneys. ' County Court Judge. 
 
84 THE DAWK BUNGALOIV; OR, 
 
 ball-dress in my teeth. I hope and trust that hefore next 
 October I shall no longer depend upon you and Papa for 
 my wardrobe. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — "Well, Miss, if that means that you expect to 
 marry young Marsden — . However, I'll have no more of 
 this. But, Choop ! Chobp ! Somebody's coming. 
 
 Enter Cholmondelet. 
 
 G. — Gad, what a pleasure there is in having a thorough 
 cleaning up after a journey! I hate temporary measures. 
 None of your basins in the waiting-room, with a piece of 
 soap borrowed from the station-master, and a napkin ab- 
 stracted from the refreshment buffet. One never feels so 
 dirty as after a partial wash. Ladies, by George ! \Bows.'\ 
 Madam, I fear that it was with the reverse of pleasure you 
 found a stranger already settled in the hotel. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — 0, sir, my daughter and I are much too old 
 travellers to expect solitude in a dawk bungalow. As there 
 is no third party, I shall take the liberty of introducing 
 myself as Mrs. Smart, wife of the late Judge of Budgemahal. 
 
 G. [bows and writes.'^ — " Peculiarities of Anglo-Indian 
 manners. Old ladies take the liberty of introducing them- 
 selves as wives of the late Judge of Budgemahal." Well, 
 madam, since you have taken the initiative, allow me to 
 present to your notice Mr. Horace Cholmondeley, of Paxton 
 Park, Derbyshire. 
 
 Mrs. iS.— Most happy, I am sure, to make your acquain- 
 tance. 
 
 G. — And, pray, who is the young lady with the bandbox ? 
 
 Mrs. 8. — That is our European lady's-maid, Mr. Chol- 
 mondeley. 
 
 G. [aside.] — A European lady's-maid ! What gigantic 
 ideas of nationahty people have in this country ! I suppose 
 I shall hear next of a Caucasian cook and a Semitic foot- 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA? 
 
 Mrs. 8. — This, Mr. Cholmondeley, is my daughter 
 Fanny. 
 
 G. — My dear Mrs. Smart, your daughter? I thought 
 she was your sister. \_Aside.'] — Gad, I suspect I have 
 offended the young lady more than I have pleased the old 
 one. Miss Smart, I presume by your colour that you have 
 only landed within the last month. 
 
 F. — Come, Mr. Cholmondeley, you can't return so soon 
 upon your statement that I looked like my mother's sister. 
 I came out during the rains before last, and two hot seasons 
 have so altered me that I cannot wonder at strangers mis- 
 taking me for my own aunt. 
 
 G. — Two hot seasons ! Good heavens. Miss Smart, what 
 can the young men be about ? 
 
 F. — Mr. Cholmondeley, the young men out here are 
 m^uch too hardly worked to allow them time for paying im- 
 pertinent compliments. [TFaZfcs across the stage. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Mr. Cholmondeley, my daughter had a long 
 dawk, and is tired and feverish. 
 
 G. [hows and writes.] — "Peculiarities of Anglo-Indian 
 manners. — When young ladies are rude they have had 
 long dawks, and are tired and feverish." I trust you have 
 not suffered from the journey, Mrs. Smart ? 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Wo, indeed. I am of the old school, Mr. 
 Cholmondeley. These young ladies will dance till five 
 o'clock in the morning for a week together, but a night in 
 a palkee is too much for their delicate constitutions. Well 
 do I remember how I came up-country with Mr. Smart to 
 our first appointment five-and-twenty years ago. I landed 
 at Garden Eeach on the Monday, after a rapid passage of 
 a hundred and sixty-four days in the " Bombay Castle." 
 On the Wednesday I met Mr. Smart at a ball at the Chief's, 
 and by Saturday evening we were in a budgerow on our 
 way to Boglipore, which we reached after a pleasant voyage 
 of seven weeks and three days. O, the delights of those 
 
86 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; OR, 
 
 days ! My unwedded life in India was short indeed, for 
 it extended only from the Monday evening till the Friday 
 morning. But it was very sweet. I was acknowledged to 
 be the belle of Calcutta ; and a young gentleman was to 
 have written me some verses in the " Friend of India," but 
 unfortunately I was married before the number came out. 
 Ah, Mr. Cholmondeley ! I was called the Europe Angel. 
 
 G. — Yes, the late Mr. Smart must have been indeed a 
 happy man ! Tou said the late, did not you ? I8ighs.] 
 
 Mrs. 8. — O no; not at all. I said the late Judge of 
 Budgemahal. You must know, Mr. Cholmondeley, that a 
 certain fatality has linked my husband's destiny to that of 
 a person of the name of Judkins. Their rivalry dates from 
 Haileybury, where Mr. Smart obtained seventeen gold and 
 three silver medals, while Mr. Judkins was forced to content 
 himself with three gold medals and seventeen silver. During 
 the early part of their Indian career they were constantly 
 pitted against each other. At length their lines diverged. 
 Mr. Judkins went into the Eevenue, and became Com- 
 missioner of Budgemahal ; while my husband chose the 
 Judicial, and was appointed to the judgeship at the same 
 station. Mr. Cholmondeley, you will hardly believe the 
 insults we endured for the last three years from that man 
 and his low up-country-bred wife! Thank heaven, my 
 husband has now risen in his own line out of reach of Mr. 
 Judkins. He has been appointed within the last month to 
 the Sudder Court ^ at Agra, and my daughter and I are now 
 travelling down to join him. O, Mr. Cholmondeley ! you 
 little know the depth of villany to which a thorough-bred 
 Revenue ofBcer is capable of stooping. 
 
 G. [writes] — " Memo — To inform myself concerning the 
 depth of villany to which a thorough-bred Revenue ofBcer 
 is capable of stooping." I sympathise deeply, madam. 
 
 ' The High Court. 
 
TS HIS AFPOINTMEXT PUCKA ? 87 
 
 Pray accept ray warmest congrattdations on your removal 
 from the sphere of the machinations of that serpent. But 
 what means of annoyance did he adopt ? 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Well, Mr. Cholmondeley, you must know that 
 he has abetted a protegd of his own, one Marsden, who has 
 paid his addresses to my daughter — a young man in the 
 public works, who (would you believe it, Mr. Chol- 
 mondeley ?) has not even been confirmed. 
 
 G. — The young heathen! And in not Mr. Marsden 
 aware of his awful condition ? 
 
 Mrs. S. — No ; extraordinary to relate, he shews the 
 greatest indifference. And though he has plenty of interest, 
 being, in fact, the son of a member of the Indian Council, 
 he has not yet induced his father to use his influence to 
 get him. confirmed. 
 
 G. — Indeed ! [TTrttea] — " The official element so strong 
 out here that private influence is required to obtain the 
 performance of the most ordinary rites of the- church." 
 A new phase of nepotism, by George ! 
 
 Mrs. 8. — But, Mr. Cholmondeley, what has brought you 
 into these parts ? 
 
 G. — Well, my dear madam, I am on my way to the 
 Sonepore meeting. I am told that I shall see more Indian 
 life at the Sonepore Races in a week than during a year at 
 Calcutta. 
 
 Mrs. 8. [with a bounce] — Indian life, indeed ! A hole- 
 and-corner gathering of Bahar people. I assure you, Mr. 
 Cholmondeley, that we North-westers don't think so much 
 of those down-country meetings. But to hear the Patna 
 people talk, you would think Sonepore was the Derby and 
 the St. Leger rolled into one. Indian life, indeed ! Indian 
 fiddlesticks ! 
 
 G. [aside]. — Gad, the old girl seems irate. I'll go to my 
 bedroom, and write out my notes. Au revoir, Mrs. Smart. 
 I wish you good morning. Miss Smart. [Exit G. 
 
88 THE DAWK BUNGALOW ; OR, 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Well, Fauny, I hope you consider you have 
 behaved rudely enough to Mr. Cholmondeley. 
 
 F. — 0, Mamma, I cannot endure a svrell, even though 
 his whiskers are pucka ; and, upon my honour, I believe 
 that Mr. Cholmondeley' s are only an acting pair. 
 
 Mrs. S. — How vulgar you are, Fanny ! Why, Susan, 
 what is the matter ? 
 
 Susan. — Matter enough, ma'am ! I have just seen with 
 my own eyes young Mr. Marsden in the stable a- watching 
 his horse having his gram, and smoking his cheroot as cool 
 as if the bungalow belonged to him. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Horrid young man ! How can he have the 
 face to come across us ? I am quite certain that odious 
 Mr. Judkins cannot be far off. Whenever you see Mr. 
 Marsden, you may be sure that his patron is somewhere in 
 the neighbourhood. [^Retires to rear of stage. 
 
 Susan. — O, Miss, it is just what your Ma said, only 
 I didn't dare to tell her so. That Mr. Judkins will be here 
 in half-an-hour, and intends to stop till the cool of the 
 evening. He is marching on a visit of inspection to the 
 out-stations, to see that the roads are in proper order 
 against the time that the members of Council go up to 
 the Great Exhibition at Lahore. Mr. Marsden told me 
 all that as free as might be, like a civil-spoken, handsome 
 young gentleman as he is. 
 
 F. — Nonsense, Susan. But does Frank — does Mr. 
 Marsden know that I — that our party is here ? 
 
 Susan. — ^Tes, Miss. He said he knew it by the instinct 
 of affection. 
 
 F. — He said a great deal of nonsense, I've no doubt. 
 But silence. Here he comes. 
 
 Enter Maesden. He goes uji to Fanny, but Mrs. Smart 
 steps in. 
 
 Mrs. S. — WeE, Mr. Marsden, I should have thought 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA? 89 
 
 that you might have abstained from forcing yourself into 
 our company during the last day we spend in this 
 Division. Before another word passes, I must insist on 
 knowing definitely what are your intentions. 
 
 M. — My intentions, Mrs. Smart, are very avowable. I 
 intend to have a bath and my tiffin, a smoke in the 
 verandah, and possibly a peg,' or even two. I certainly 
 have no desire to force myself into your company ; but, 
 unfortunately, the number of dawk bungalows at Mucka- 
 pore Bikra is limited. 
 
 Mrs. S. — ^After what has passed, sir, you might have 
 spared us the annoyance of this meeting. 
 
 M. — My dear Mrs. Smart, what can I do ? You can 
 hardly expect me to sit in the sun throughout the hottest 
 hours in the day in this attitude. [Squats down like a native.'] 
 The villagers would mistake me for a Sahib who had 
 turned Fakeer. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Sir, sir, I cannot stay here to be the butt of 
 your ribaldry. I shall retire to my own apartment. As for 
 you, Fanny, you may remain or not, as you like. But mind 
 this : I absolutely forbid you to address a single word to 
 this very objectionable young man. Do you hear, Miss ? 
 
 F. — ^Yes, Mamma. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Do you heed. Miss ? 
 
 F. — ^Tes, Mamma. [Fxit Mrs. Smabt. 
 
 Fanny sits down with her back to Maesden ; Maesdbn 
 with his hack to Fanny. 
 
 M. [aside] — So we are not to address a single word to 
 each other, arn't we ? Well, thank Heaven ; no one can 
 forbid us to soliloquise. [Aloud.] I wonder what Mrs. 
 Smart meant by talking about this being her last day in 
 the Division. 
 
 ' The Anglo-Indian -slang for brandy and soda-water. 
 
90 THE DAWK BUNGALOW ; OR, 
 
 F. — Susan, I wish Papa had not been appointed to that 
 horrid Agra. To think that I have seen dear, dear Budge- 
 mahal for the last time ! 
 
 M. [juvvping up] — Grood heavens! What do I hear! 
 The Smarts leaving Budgemahal ! What a frightful blow 
 to my hopes ! By Jove ! sooner than such a misfortune 
 should befal me, I would consent to give up my appoint- 
 ment, and enter the Staff Corps. 'Pon honour I would. 
 
 F. — And to think of the pleasant months we passed 
 there ! The pic-nics ! The balls ! The ho-o-o-g-hunting 
 parties ! \_Cries.] O Susan, I am so wretched. 
 
 M. — Heavens ! what a fool I was not to yield to Mrs. 
 Smart's wishes, and get my father to ask Strachey to con- 
 firm me in my appointment ! 
 
 F. [cries] — me ! O me ! How I do hate that word 
 p-p-pucka! I wish all the pucka appointments in the 
 country were at the bottom of the sea. 
 
 M. — I cannot bear this. Fanny! [Fanny shakes her 
 head.] Dearest Fanny ! how can you be so cruel as not to 
 vouchsafe one word at this our last meeting ? And yet 
 why should it be our last meeting ? [Aside.] I have it. 
 lAhud.'] Hem ! I should not wonder if Mrs. Smart's 
 bearers were to strike work to-morrow morning, opposite 
 the mango-tope, beyond the eighth mUe-stone on the Agra 
 road. These fellows are so insolent with unprotected 
 females. How fortunate it is that our camp is pitched in 
 this precise tope ! Mrs. Smart and Fanny will have some- 
 where to shelter themselves during the heat of the day. 
 By Jove ! I'll go at once and warn the bearers that they 
 had better not strike work to-morrow morning, opposite 
 the m.ango-tope, beyond the eighth mile- stone on the Agra 
 road. [^Exit Maesden. 
 
 • F. — 0, I cannot, cannot part from him ! O, Mamma, 
 how could you be so cruel ? 
 
 Susan. — Well, miss, I don't wonder you're so fond of 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA 91 
 
 him. He is sucli a sweet young man, though he is cutcha. 
 Thank goodness, my young man's pucka, though he is 
 only a subordinate Government Salt Chowkie. However, 
 he has great hopes of being promoted to be an opium 
 godown. 
 
 Enter Judkins. 
 
 /. — Miss Smart ! Dear me, Miss Smart, I am very 
 fortunate in meeting you once more before you leave my 
 division. Budgemahal will long regret the loss of its 
 fairest flower. 
 
 F. — O, Mr. Judkins, I am so glad to see you again. 
 Tou have been always so kind to me. 
 
 J. — Glad to see me again, eh. Miss Fanny ? I suppose 
 that there are others of your family here who will not be 
 equally enchanted ? Bh ? 
 
 F. — Come, Mr. Judkins, you must not make jokes about 
 Mamma. But, — 0, how shall I ever thank you enough 
 for — ^for — ^for — 
 
 /. — For doing my best to smooth matters with reference 
 to a certain young gentleman ? Is that what you mean ? 
 Eh, Fanny ? Well, what should you say if I told you I 
 had written a private note to my good friend, the 
 Lieutenant-Governor of the North - West, telling him 
 exactly how the matter stands ; and, from what I know of 
 Drummond, I'U engage that we shall have some good 
 news in a day or two. He always had a soft heart, had 
 Drummond. So, if Frank is confirmed, he will owe it to 
 you, and nobody but you ; eh, Fanny ? 
 
 F. — O, Mr. Judkins, how could you? Tou unkind, 
 treacherous, inconsiderate — dear old friend! God bless 
 you. [Kisses Mm and runs out. 
 
 J. — Well, she's a darling girl. It is hard to say whether 
 she takes less after her father or mother. Smart was the 
 greatest fool among the Zillah Judges, and now will be the 
 greatest fool in the Sudder Court ; while the mother 
 
92 THE DAWK BUNGALOW ; OR, 
 
 But I don't trust myself to speak about the mother. 
 {Enter Maesden.] Well, youngster, haye you seen to the 
 horses ? How's the Arab's off fore-leg ? 
 
 M. — No better than it should be, I'm afraid. 
 
 /. — You've ordered dinner, I suppose. What's the bill 
 of fare ? 
 
 M. — Oh, the usual thing. Sub kooch hai, Sahib.^ 
 Muttony chop nahin hai. Beefy-steak nahin hai. Unda 
 bakun nahin hai. Ducky stew nahin hai. Moorghee grill 
 hai. \_A fowl runs across the stage, with KHANSAUMArN in 
 ■pursuit. Soft music.] 
 
 Enter Cholmondelet. 
 
 M. — Hallo, Mr. Judkins, here's Lord Dundreary ; or at 
 any rate his brother Sam, come out in the Uncovenanted 
 Service. 
 
 G. — Haw ! Haw ! Have I the pleasure of addressing the 
 Commissioner of Budgemahal ? 
 
 J. — Tou have. Sir. 
 
 0. — ^Will you then allow me to present you with a letter 
 of introduction from Mr. Blake, Junior Secretary of the 
 Home Department ? 
 
 J. — I shall be most delighted to serve in any way a 
 friend of Tom's. I never came across so promising a 
 subordinate. Ah, Marsden, you would do well to tread in 
 his steps. [Beads.'] So it appears, Mr. Cholmondeley, 
 that you want to be put up to a thing or two about Waste 
 Lands. Well, though I say it as shouldn't, you could not 
 well have applied to a better man. Could he. Prank ? 
 Now, I'll tell you how we'll set to work. You shall com- 
 mence your acquaintance with the subject by reading miy 
 celebrated Minute to the Lieutenant-Governor, which pro- 
 cured me my present appointment. It will give you a 
 good general view of the subject in a small compass. It 
 ■" Anything you like, Sahib. 
 
IS ms APPOINTMENT PUCKA ? 93 
 
 is a mere sketch. Perhaps about half again as long as 
 Mr. Plowden's Salt Eeport. 
 
 C. — Why, my good Sir, Mr. Plowden's Eeport served 
 me for reading all the way from Marseilles to the Sand- 
 heads, and then I had only got into Henry Meredith 
 Parker's letters. 
 
 J. — Well, well, I'll point out the passages best worth 
 reading. And then, when you have mastered the outlines, 
 we'll go into the details. Tell you what ! If you'll join 
 my camp for a week or so, you will have the opportunity 
 of hearing my decision in several most important cases. 
 We'U make you very comfortable, and perhaps we may 
 manage to shew you a little hog-hunting. 
 
 G. — 0, Sir, you are very good ; very good, indeed, 'pon 
 honour. I shall accept your invitation with great pleasure ; 
 that is to say, if it does not incommode you. 
 
 J. — Incommode me ! Who ever heard of incommoding 
 in India ? Unfortunately, we have only one spare tent, and 
 that is a fly : unless, indeed, you care to double up with 
 Frank. Well, I must go and make myself decent. I'll 
 leave you with Marsden. [Exit. 
 
 M. — May I ask what has brought you to India, Mr. 
 Cholmondeley ? Did you come out for sport, eh ? 
 
 C. — Well, Mr. Marsden, I came out in search of facts : 
 in quest of political capital, Mr. Marsden. During my first 
 week I went about incognito, under the idea that people 
 would speak more freely with an obscure Mr. Smith than 
 they would venture to do in the presence of a member 6f 
 the English Legislature ; but I found that I was generally 
 mistaken for the commercial traveller of a leading military 
 tailor in DhurrumtoUah,^ to whom I happened to bear a 
 casual resemblance. In consequence, I could not obtain 
 the entree of civilian society, and was forced to confine 
 
 ' Dhurriimtollah is the £ond Street of Calcutta, as Cliovvringhee is its 
 Belgravia. 
 
94 THE DAWK, BUNGALOW ; OH, 
 
 myself to the information wMch could be picked up in the 
 dawk bungalows. Now, the political creed of the fre- 
 quenters of dawk bungalows is too uniform to afford a 
 field for the minute observer ; for it consists in the follow- 
 ing tenets— that the Modified Eesolutions are the curse of 
 the country; that Sir Mordaunt Wells is the greatest 
 judge that ever sat on the English bench ; and that when 
 you hit a nigger he dies on purpose to spite you. 
 
 M. — So* you ceased to call yourself Smith ? 
 
 C. — Tes, I ceased to call myself Smith, and adopted the 
 title of Captain Jones, of the 4th Madras Native Infantry, 
 travelling up-country to do duty with a Sikh regiment at 
 Peshawur. Thenceforth I lived exclusively in military 
 society. 
 
 M. — Well, did you get on better than before ? 
 
 C. — No, bedad, I found that the political creed of the 
 mess-rooms was even more simple than that of the dawk 
 bungalows ; for it was confined to one article of faith, 
 which appeared to include all others — that since the Amal- 
 gamation the Service had gone to the devil. 
 
 M. — So now you're travelling in your own character? 
 
 0. — Tes. In my character of member of the English 
 Legislature I go where I like, am welcome everywhere, and 
 obtain information from persons of all shades of opiuion. 
 Ah ! I've heard some facts which never come to the ears 
 of you civilians. Tou think you know India, but, after all, 
 you take good care to hear only what suits your book. I 
 could tell you stories that would make you stare. 
 
 M. — Could you give me a specimen, Mr. Cholmondeley ? 
 
 C. — Well, it was only yesterday that I was dining at the 
 house of an indigo planter, and he told me the following 
 anecdote, which I am assured is well authenticated. A 
 friend of his was desirous of purchasing some waste land 
 which lay between the estates of two native Zemindars. 
 He offered the Commissioner a certain sum of money ; and 
 
IS HIS APPOINTME]>}T PUCKA? 95 
 
 these two native fellows subscribed, and offered a larger • 
 and (would you believe it ?) the Commissioner actually 
 accepted their bid. 
 
 M. — Good heavens ! It is almost incredible. 
 
 C. — Ah ! Tou civilians see only one side of the ques- 
 tion. Wait till I take my seat again in the Commons 
 House of Parhament. Wait till I rise in my place, and 
 stand on the floor of the House, and say, " Sir, when from 
 the top of the Ochterlony Monument I looked down on the 
 environs of the capital of India ; when I saw her stately 
 river crowded with sails, her wharfs heaped with bales and 
 casks, her network of railways bearing the products of her 
 industry to every corner of that vast continent, from 
 Barrackpore to Diamond Harbour, from Budge-Budge to 
 Dum-Dum ; — then. Sir, I am free to confess that I took a 
 solemn vow to exert my every power for the great principle 
 of the Development of the Resources of India." 
 
 [Knocks down the punkah. Enter Abdool. 
 
 Jf.— Hear ! hear ! That will have a grand effect in the 
 House of Commons. Only I doubt whether they have any 
 punkahs there. 
 
 0. [very much excited] — I assure you that you civilians 
 know nothing about the country. [Takes a chair, and sits 
 astride opposite Maesden.] — ^Look at the railways alone, 
 Sir ! What a field for the efforts of an enlightened Grovem- 
 ment! Connect Benares with Allahabad, connect Agra 
 with Delhi, and what results will follow ! The stream of 
 passengers will flow up to the Punjab— [ffife Maesden's 
 knee one way]. 
 
 Jf.— Don't, Sir ! 
 
 G. — And down to the Lower Gangetic provinces ! [Hits 
 it the other way.] 
 
 M. — Have done, will you ? 
 
 G. — Our silver will pour from West to East ! [Hits 
 Maesden's knee again.] 
 
96 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; Olt, 
 
 M. — Confound you, Sir ! 
 
 C. — The produce of the looms of Cabul and the gorgeous 
 fabrics of Cashmere will pour from East to West. [In 
 attempting the same manoeuvre, he overbalances the chair and 
 tumbles over.] 
 
 M. [picMng him up] — Holloa ! There appears to have 
 been a collision on the line. I hope the gorgeous fabrics 
 of Cashmere are not damaged. 
 
 G. [confused, and rubbing his leg] — Ah! you civilians 
 know nothing about the country. 
 
 M. — But, my good Sir, I'm not a civilian. 
 
 C. — Well then, Sir, you ought to be. You ought to be, 
 if you're not. Sir, I wish you a very good morning. 
 
 [Exit Cholmondeley. 
 
 A. — Master plenty excitable Sahib. Whenever master 
 done say " Develeropment of Soorces of India," then he 
 talk plenty much and get plenty angry. I sing you song 
 'bout master. [8ingsP\ 
 
 My master is a great Sahib, 
 
 With whiskers fine and long. 
 And on a public question 
 
 He comes out very strong. 
 Judge Campbell of the High Court, 
 
 And Mr. Seton Karr, 
 Whene'er they see my master 
 
 Invite him from afar : 
 
 " Walk in, Chumley, walk in, Chumley, pray. 
 Walk into the High Court, this warm and sunny day ; 
 Walk into the High Court, this afternoon so fine. 
 And listen to my reasoning on Ten of Fifty-nine." ' 
 
 ' Act Ten of 1859 embodied a most praisewortliy eftbrt to grapple 
 with the rent question — a matter too serious to be discussed in the note 
 tu a larce. 
 
IS JUS APPOINTMENT PUCKA? 97 
 
 ilf. — Well, you are a droll fellow. Who taught you to 
 sing English, tunes ? 
 
 A. — Missionary Sahib teach me to sing down Madras 
 way. I learn plenty too many hymn tunes in Mission 
 School. I Christian boy, master. 
 
 M. — Oh, you're a Christian, are you ? 
 
 A. — Tes, Sahib, I Christian boy. Plenty poojah^ do 
 Sunday time. Never no work do. Plenty wrong that. 
 
 M. — No. rU be bound you appreciate that part of our 
 religion. Well, whatever your tenets may be, you are a 
 fttnny dog. Here's a rupee for you. 
 
 A. — 0, master too good : plenty too much good. I sing 
 'nother song to master : — 
 
 The Judge and the Collector - 
 
 They both have gone away, 
 Grone to Mussoorie 
 
 Their Privilege Leave to stay : 
 And, while they're off together 
 
 On a little bit of spree, 
 I'm ofE to Sonepore 
 
 The Planters' Cup to see. 
 
 Old Jones my chief descried me. 
 
 Says he : "I greatly grieve 
 To see you here at Sonepore 
 
 Without my special leave." 
 Says I : " I ventured hither 
 
 To come. Sir, in the hope 
 Of playing croquet with Miss Jones 
 
 Beneath the race-course tope." 
 
 Enter Judeins. 
 
 J. — Hollo, Marsden, you appear to be having a tumasha " 
 here on your own account. If it's all the same to you, I'll 
 
 ' Religious worship. ^ A musical or theatrical entertainment. 
 
98 THE DAWK BUNGALOW ; OR, 
 
 assume the liberty of sending this fellow about his business, 
 (if he has got any, that is to say, which doesn't seem pro- 
 bable,) and taking a quiet snooze. Jao ! ' [Exit Abdool.] 
 Wake me when dinner comes, there's a good boy. [Goes 
 to sleep, with a handkerchief over his faceJ] 
 
 M. — Well, what with that Madras boy and his master, 
 I don't know when I have spent a more amusing time in 
 a dawk bungalow. But I wish Fanny would come out 
 again. If she has half the sense I give her credit for, she 
 will find out that the coast is clear, and take her opportunity. 
 I'll run the risk, and tap at her door. No ; excellent idea ! 
 I'll let off the cork of a bottle of Belattee pawnee against 
 the panel, and then, if the mother comes out instead of 
 Fanny, I can pretend that it was done by mistake. [Takes 
 a bottle of soda-water, and lets off the cork.'] 
 
 Enter Fanny. 
 
 F. — My dear Mr. Marsden, how very rash you are ! 
 How could you knock at our door ? 
 
 M. — I protest, Fanny, that your suspicions are unworthy 
 of you. I was making the preparations for a modest peg, 
 when out you bolt, and charge me in the most gratuitous 
 manner with knocking at your door. Knocking at the door ! 
 Do you take me for a species of Anglo-Indian old Joe ? I 
 assure you I feel your conduct deeply. [Turns away.] 
 
 F. — Well, well, Frank, I beg your pardon for my sus- 
 picions, though I cannot help thinking that they are not 
 without foundation. But have you nothing pretty to say to 
 me, now I am here ? 
 
 M. — Nothing except what I've told you a thousand 
 times already, that you are the dearest, sweetest of women ; 
 that you are a pucka angel ; that I would die for you ; that 
 I would give up my accumulated arrears of privilege leave 
 
 ' Be off! 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA! 99 
 
 for you ; that for you I would do unpaid duty with the East 
 Indian Eegiment at Dacca. In fact, everything that I have 
 told you so often and so eagerly ever since that thrice 
 auspicious night (you remember it, Fanny?) when the 
 Station Ball was held in the Judge's Cutcherry, much to 
 the disgust of your respected Governor. Shall you ever 
 forget how we pulled a cracker together, and how I read to 
 you the motto — simple verses, perhaps, Fanny, but dearer 
 to me thenceforward than all Shakspeare, and Tennyson, 
 and Byron bound up together ? 
 
 " I soon shall die unless I see 
 
 That you love me as I love thee ; 
 
 For 'tis for you alone I live, 
 
 And nought but that can pleasure give." 
 
 F. — Well, well ! I won't deny that we have talked a great 
 deal of pleasant nonsense together. But I have a piece of 
 news for you. Are you sure he's asleep ? [Jttdkins snores.] 
 
 M. — He's not very wide awake at any rate. 
 
 F. — Dear old gentleman ! Would you believe it, Frank ? 
 He has written a private letter to Mr. Drummond, telling 
 him our whole story, and requesting that your appointment 
 may be confirmed. 
 
 Jf. — Has he indeed? What a jolly old budzart it is ! 
 
 F. — But listen, Frank. The answer has not come yet, 
 and before it arrives we shall be at Agra, and you far away 
 at some out-station making horrid bridges that wiU all 
 tumble down next rainy season. Ah me ! What an unluckj 
 girl I am ! 
 
 M.—No, you are not, Fanny. An unlucky girl never 
 has a devoted lover with hopes of a pucka appointment. 
 I don't intend that you shall leave the district until Mr. 
 Drummond's answer comes. Don't you remember that I 
 expressed to you my apprehension lest your bearers should 
 strike work opposite the mango-tope beyond the eighth 
 
100 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; Oil, 
 
 mile-stone on the Agra road ; in whieh case your mother 
 and you would be forced to take shelter in our camp? 
 Well ! That apprehension has since been converted into 
 a horrible certainty. 
 
 F. — Good heavens, Frank, do you mean to say that you 
 have bribed the bearers ? 
 
 M. — There ! there ! Don't speak so loud ! Think on 
 the enormity of the misdemeanour you have imputed to me. 
 What would the Englishman say if it heard that an EngUsh 
 official had been instigating natives to violate a contract 
 after receiving a consideration ? Conceive the tone of the 
 leading article that -would infallibly be written. " It is con- 
 fidently asserted that a young gentleman in the Public 
 Works Department, who, though not a civihan himself, 
 has been so long under civilian influence as to be imbued 
 with the traditional policy of the class, has, in virtue of his 
 high authority, used underhand means to induce the palkee- 
 
 bearers " G-ood heavens, here's your mother! [They 
 
 start apart.'] 
 
 Enter Mrs. Smabt. 
 
 Mrs. S. — What do I see ? Fanny, have you no delicacy, 
 no retenue ? If I turn my back for ten minutes you disobey 
 my positive orders, throw to the winds my maternal au- 
 thority, and openly encourage the advances of an acting 
 officer. And you. Sir — do you consider it manly to pre- 
 sume on the unforttmate chance which has thrown you once 
 more of necessity into our society? You allow me no 
 choice. I must throw myself on the protection of the other 
 visitors at the bungalow. Here is one asleep on a chair. 
 Whoever he is, he has the heart of an Englishman, and will 
 not see me insulted by a profligate : and, what is more, a 
 profligate who is not even pucka. Sir, I appeal to you. 
 [Twitches the handkerchief off Judkinb' face, who rises, and 
 confronts her.] Mr. Judkins ! So you are the person who 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA? 101 
 
 lias arranged a meeting for these two young people to come 
 ofE under your auspices ! So you are the go-between in 
 this precious love-affair ! So this match is to be of your 
 mating ! So, Mr. Judkins, after robbing me and Mr. Smart 
 of our peace, you intend to rob us of our daughter ! 
 
 J. — Good gracious, Mrs. Smart, I have no idea what you 
 are driving at. All I know about the matter is that I was 
 enjoying a very sweet dream, and that I have awoke to an 
 exceeding unpleasant reaHty. 
 
 Mrs. 8. [curtsies] — 0, Mr. Judkins, you are pleased to 
 be sarcastic. Would you, however, if you can for a few 
 moments rein in your satire, tell me in plain words why 
 you thought fit to sanction by your presence an interview 
 between my daughter and a young man of whom you know 
 well I disapprove ? 
 
 /. — "Well, Mrs. Smart, I can only repeat that I was 
 aroused from a slumber such as only the innocent can 
 enjoy to find myself in the presence of two people looking 
 very shy, and one looking very angry. That is all the part 
 I have had in the affair. Not that I should have objected 
 to play Friar Lawrence to so dashing a Eomeo and so 
 sweet a Juliet. [Bows to Fanny.] 
 
 Mrs. S. — ^Well, upon my word, Mr. Judkins! Upon 
 my word! Perhaps you won't call a daughter of mine 
 names, though she has descended below herself on this 
 occasion. 
 
 J. — After all, Mrs. Smart, I am surprised that you do 
 not consider your daughter honoured by the attentions of 
 so fine a young fellow. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Mr. Judkins, I have principles. It is not for 
 nothing that I trace my origin on either side from old 
 Indian families. I thank heaven that I have been brought 
 up to know the difference between pucka and cutcha ap- 
 pointments. 
 
 /. — I have no doubt you do, Mrs. Smart ; I have no 
 
102 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; Olt, 
 
 doubt you do ; and I have no doubt either that when you 
 retire from the service Sir Charles Wood will at once offer 
 you a seat in the Indian Council. 
 
 Mrs. S. — That, I suppose, would be considered wit at 
 the Board of Eevenue : — a Board of which you doubtless 
 count upon becoming the most brilliant light. Tou are an 
 ornament to your line of the service, Mr. Judkins ; you are 
 indeed. 
 
 /. — My line ! Bless the woman ! My line ! Well, what- 
 ever it may be, I cannot say it has at present fallen to me 
 in a pleasant place. 
 
 Enter Sttsan, with tray. Sets it down on table. 
 
 Susan. — Never mind him, Ma'am. I've made a nice 
 basin of soup for you and Miss Fanny. After your long 
 journey you won't be right again till you've had something 
 to eat. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Well, Mr. Judkins, I am sorry that I so far 
 forgot myself as to address you. Come, Fanny, and take 
 your tiffin. Thank heaven, it is the last meal we shall eat 
 in the same room with the present company. [Mrs. Smart 
 and Fanny sit down at the table.] 
 
 Enter Khansaumatjn with dinner. 
 
 K. — Khana tyar hi, Sahib.' 
 
 /. — Khansaumaun, palanpur khana rucko.'' Come, 
 Marsden, we must rough it a little to accommodate the 
 ladies. [J.«ide.] Horrid old woman! I should like to 
 accommodate her into the middle of next week. [Jtjdkins 
 and Maesden sit down at the bed.'] Marsden, I feel a little 
 out of sorts. A cup of tea might do us both good. Ho, 
 Khansaumaun ! Chah banno ! ^ 
 
 Mrs. S. — ^Well, I never ! Tea for tiffin ! What would 
 
 ^ " Dinner is ready, Saliib." 
 " " Steward, put the dinner on the bed." " " Make some tea." 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA ? 103 
 
 an o£S.cial of the good old school say if he heard a Mofussil 
 Commissioner ordering tea for tiffin ? Tea, indeed ! Ho, 
 Khansaumaun, beer shrub lao ! 
 
 /. — This moorghee is plaguy tough. Ho, Khansaumaun, 
 aur kooch hai ? ' 
 
 K. — Sahib, curry bat hai. 
 
 J. — 0, bother curry bat! It's only the old moorghee 
 under another shape. We'll have some eggs with our tea. 
 Ho, Khansaumaun, unda lao, toast banno. 
 
 Mrs. jS.— Tea, toast, and boiled eggs ! There's a tiffin 
 for a Covenanted Servant of five-and-twenty years' stand- 
 ing ! Taney a Senior Merchant * going without his curry 
 bat. Ho ! curry bat do ! 
 
 J. — ^Well, I should have thought that the temper of 
 some people was hot enough already without requiring to 
 be warmed by curry. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Fanny, I repent more and more having been 
 betrayed into an altercation with that man. However, I 
 ail resolved never to address another word to him. 
 
 J. — Tor these and all his mercies make us truly thankful ! 
 
 Mrs. S. [darts up] — What is that. Sir ? What is this 
 last piece of insolence to which you have given vent ? 
 
 /. [without turning] — I was only saying grace after meat, 
 or rather after moorghee. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Tour brutality, Sir, is only equalled by your 
 impiety. 
 
 /. — Pray sit down, Mrs. Smart. I have no intention of 
 betraying you into a second altercation. 
 
 Mrs. 8. [sits down] — Monster ! Fanny, would that we 
 were out of this dreadful place ! 
 
 /. — The agreeableness of places generally depends on 
 the state of our tempers. For my part, this bungalow 
 
 ' " Is there anything else ? " 
 
 ' In days gone by the Company's servants were classed as Senior 
 Merchants, Junior Merchants, and Writers. 
 
104 THE DAJVK BUNGALOW; OS, 
 
 seems quite a paradise. Thank Providence for having 
 endovsred me vs^ith an imperturbable tranquillity ! 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Hem ! Fanny, did you hear what your papa 
 said to the Lieutenant-Grovernor about the inefficiency of 
 Eevenue officers when concerned with a question of law ? 
 He told Mr. Drummond that during the past year, in a 
 certain division, there was not one in ten of the Com- 
 missioner's decisions which would not have been reversed 
 before the most ordinary tribunal. 
 
 J. [starts wp] — To what division did he refer, Mrs. 
 Smart ? If he alluded to Budgemahal, he was knowingly 
 guilty of a vile calumny. 
 
 Mrs. 8. [without turning^ — Pray sit down, Mr. Judkins. 
 I have no desire of being betrayed into a second altercation. 
 
 J. — Mrs. Smart, whoever uttered that falsehood was 
 capable of anything : even of marrying a low, uneducated, 
 up-country-bred wife. 
 
 Mrs. 8. [starts up] — Mr. Judkins, my father enjoyed the 
 highest judicial appointments in the Covenanted Service ; 
 and my dear mother was grand-daughter of the first judge 
 of the first settled district in Bengal, Behar, and Orissa. 
 No member of our family ever dabbled in .Revenue. 
 
 /. — Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! My dear Mrs. Smart, your mother's 
 brother ended his career as Sub-collector of Shahabad ; 
 and devilish glad he was to get the appointment. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — G-o on, Mr. Judkins ; pray go on. Thank 
 heaven, I was brought up among people who knew the 
 difference betweed pucka and cutcha appointments. 
 
 J.— Mrs. Smart, the last place which your father held 
 was that of Acting Magistrate at Jessore : — Acting Magis- 
 trate, do you hear, Mrs. Smart ? 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Base man, you never uttered a more con- 
 temptible slander : — a slander worthy of one who gained 
 his present position by acting as stalking-horse to his 
 Lieutenant-Governor. 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA ? 105 
 
 J. — Mrs. Smart ! Who sclieined to get the Governor- 
 Greneral's Aide-de-Camp for her daughter ? 
 
 Mrs. S. — Mr. Judkins ! Who refused to subscribe to 
 the new church on the pretext that the padre was a hum- 
 bug? 
 
 /. — Who asked the Station to dinner, and allowed only- 
 one glass of simkin ' to each guest — eh, Mrs. Smart ? 
 
 Mrs. S. — Who tried to lead ofE the District Ball, and 
 didn't know his steps — eh, Mr. Judkins ? 
 
 [They hoth s^eah at once. Gurtain falls. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Outside the Commissioner's Tent. Table and Ohairs at one 
 side of the Stage. 
 
 Enter Judkins from tent, in dressing-gown. 
 
 J. — Well ! I'm all the better for a good night. I always 
 manage to sleep sound in camp. Now for a bath. Ho, 
 Bheestie ! ^ This is a very pleasant camping ground, but 
 I wonder why Marsden insisted so strongly on our stopping 
 here instead of going on to Bunderbustgunge. Whatever 
 I said, he would have it that there was nothing like the 
 mango tope just beyond the eighth mile-stone on the Agra 
 road. The eighth mile-stone on the Agra road ! Young 
 men are not, generally speaking, so accurate about the 
 number of their mile-stones. However, he's a dear boy, 
 and I always humour him. [Enter Maesden.] I say, 
 young shaver, what makes you so particular about the 
 eighth mile-stone on the Agra road ? I wish now that 
 we had pushed on to Bunderbustgunge. 
 
 M. — Well, my dear Sir, I'll make a confession. Tou 
 
 ' Champagne. ^ Bath-man. 
 
106 THE DAWK BUNGALOW ; OB, 
 
 must know that I have received information which leads 
 me to suppose that Mrs. Smart's bearers will strike work 
 somewhere near this spot. 
 
 J. — ^Tou have received information which leads you to 
 suppose ! Tou unscrupulous young villain ! Well ! I pre- 
 sume that you intend to saddle me with the women for the 
 rest of the day ? 
 
 M. — Such, I blush to say, is my intention. Now, my 
 dear Sir, will you do me a great — a very great favour ? 
 Will you be very civil to Mrs. Smart ? [Judkins shakes 
 his headJ] For my sake and for Fanny's, Mr. Judkins ! 
 
 /. — Well ! well ! the woman will be out of the country 
 in another day. I promise to be as polite to her as she 
 will allow me to be. But here's the bheestie. 
 
 Enter Bheestie with waier-sMn. Exeunt Judkins and 
 Bheestie into tent. 
 
 M. — Now for the pleasantest hour of the twenty-four. 
 Ho, Sirdar ! Chah lao * [Enter Cholmondelet, in hunt- 
 ing costume, followed hy Abdool.] The top of the morning 
 to you, Mr. Cholmondeley. 
 
 C. — Fine morning this. [Aside.] What a damned 
 foolish observation ! It always is a fine morning in India. 
 
 M. — ^Are you ready for' some chota hazaree ? " 
 
 C. — Chota hazaree! What's chota hazaree? 
 
 M. — Why the meal I'm taking at the present moment. 
 
 0. — O, begad ! They call that down in Madras " early 
 tea." So " chota hazaree " is " early tea." 
 
 if.— Just so. " Chota " " early " ; " hazaree," " tea." 
 
 C.—O ! " Chota " is " early," is it ? Well, that accounts 
 for the assistant-magistrate being termed the Chota Sahib. 
 He gets up early to go to Cutcherry,' while the collector 
 
 1 "Bring my tea.'' = Literally, "little breakfast." 
 
 ' Court. 
 
IS HIS APr OINTMENT PUCKA'! 107 
 
 lies in bed to wait till the appeals come in. I'll put that 
 down. [ Writes.] 
 
 M. — You've hit iib. But here come the papers. What 
 an old brick Judkins is for taking in such a packet of 
 them ! The " Hurkaru " as usual. An article comparing 
 Sir Charles Wood to Nero, and Sir Mordaunt Wells to 
 Aristides. Very pretty reading for rabid Anglo-Saxons ! 
 And here's the " Delhi Punch " ! I did hope we had 
 marched out of the region within which circulates that 
 melancholy periodical. After all, there's nothing like the 
 " Englishman." What's the news, Cholmondeley ? [Sips 
 his tea.] 
 
 G. — Let's see. [Beads.] " Latest from America. — The 
 Federals under Meade attacked Lee's position on the morn- 
 ing of the 18th, and after three days' hard fighting were 
 forced to recross the Rappahannock after losing fifteen 
 thousand men." " Latest from Furruckabad. — There is 
 no truth in the report that Lieutenant Smith, of the 
 Engineers, is about to avail himself of some days' leave." 
 H'm ! h'm ! h'm ! [Splashing heard inside the tent. 
 
 M. — There's the old boy having his mussuck.' 
 
 C. [reads. J — " The ' Nubia ' arrived at Garden Eeach on 
 the 12th instant. Passengers — Mr. Williams, B.C.S., Cap- 
 tain James, B.N.I., Mrs. James, Miss Prettyman." H'm ! 
 h'm ! h'm ! " Married, on the 15th instant, at the Cathedral, 
 John Williams, collector and magistrate of Mozufferpore, 
 to Alicia, eleventh daughter of the late Ebenezer Pretty- 
 man of the Bengal Civil Service." Quick work that — eh, 
 Mr. Marsden ? 
 
 M. — Oh, nothing out of the way. But might I ask why 
 you are got up in that style ? 
 
 G. — I'm going out for my first day's hog-hunting. [Enter 
 JuDKiNS.J G-ood morning, Mr. Judkins. I'm ofE to cover 
 side. 
 
 ' Water-skin. 
 
108 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; OB, 
 
 J. — Well, let me give you a piece of advice. Don't you 
 go niistaking tame pigs for wild. If you see a fellow with 
 a straight tail, whip him through the body ; but if you 
 come across a curly-tailed chap, fight shy of him. He's 
 being fed up for the Agricultural Exhibition at Alipore. 
 But the sun is getting powerful, and I must be going inside 
 the tent. I wish you good sport, [^xit Jtjdkins into tent. 
 
 M. — Grood-bye, Cholmondeley. Don't forget ; the wild 
 pigs have curly tails. Curly tails, remember ! You'll get 
 into no end of trouble if you kill a fellow with a straight 
 tail. [Exit Maesden. 
 
 A. — Master plenty great shikaree.' Master go kill plenty 
 pig. I stay 'tome. Make good master's clothes. 
 
 C. — Tes. Tou stay at home, Abdool. Have some coffee 
 ready for me when I come back. Take care of my things. 
 
 A. [aside.'] — Ha ! ha ! I take care of master's spirit 
 chest. Cognac shrub, plenty nice drink. I got no caste. 
 I plenty good Christian. Drink plenty rum. Do no work 
 Sunday. Them my Thirty-nine Article-icle-icles. 
 
 [Bxit Abdool. 
 
 0.— Now I'll be off. Holloa ! What the deuce is the 
 row now? Here's the European lady's-maid. 
 
 Enter Susan. 
 
 Susan. — O ! thank goodness, here's a belattee Christian 
 man ! 0, Sir ! 0, Mr. Chimbly ! Here's such a dreadful 
 business ! 
 
 C. — Why, bless my soul, young woman, what ever is the 
 matter ? 
 
 Susan. — ^Why, Sir — would you believe it? — as soon as 
 ever we came opposite that there mangel-wurzel tope the 
 bearers put down the palkees with a bang, and cut and 
 run into the jungle. O my poor mistress ! My poor 
 mistress ! 
 
 ' Sportsman. 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA 1 109 
 
 Tlnter Mrs. Smaet and Fanny. 
 
 Mrs. S. — O, dear me, Fanny, what shall we do ? I 
 never was in such a position. Here we are in the full heat 
 of the sun, four coss from the last dawk bungalow, and 
 the Lord only knows how many from the next. 
 
 F. — ^Tes, Mamma, what shall we do ? ! what could 
 have induced the bearers to behave so ? [Pretends to cry. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Bless my heart, there's Mr. Cholmondeley. 
 ! Mr. Cholmondeley, I am so glad to see you. Those 
 budmashes ' who were carrying our palkees have run away 
 into the tope. We had only three coss to go, and we 
 should have met a pair of tum-tums ^ which would have 
 taken us on to the G-rand Trunk Eoad, where my husband 
 was to have met us with the two-horse gharee.^ I had 
 made such an utcha bunderbust.* 
 
 0. — My dear Madam ! My dear Madam ! Are you sure 
 you perceive the full extent of your misfortune ? I am 
 convinced that there is more in this than you think. Mere 
 ryots would never have arrived at such a pitch of inso- 
 lence unless they had been aware that a mutiny was 
 imminent. We are on the eve of another outbreak. Did 
 you observe whether the men called out " Deen ! Deen ! " ' 
 as they ran into the jungle ? 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Good heavens, Mr. Cholmondeley, how should 
 Hindoo ryots call out " Deen ! Deen ! " I should as soon 
 expect to meet Dr. Pusey walking up and down the High 
 Street of Oxford, bawling out " No Popery ! " 
 
 C. — Now, Mrs. Smart, do be advised, and make a timely 
 retreat. At such a crisis hesitation is death. Allow me to 
 conduct you to the nearest military station. I will hold 
 
 ' MauTais sujets. ' Dog-carts. ' Carriage. 
 
 * Excellent arrangement. 
 
 5 "The Faith! The Faith!" The rallying cry of the Mahom- 
 medans. 
 
110 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; OR, 
 
 Miss Smart before me on the horse's neck, while you ride 
 on the crupper with your arms round my waist. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Ride to the nearest military station with my 
 arms round your waist ! Why, people would think we were 
 the last elopement from Simla. 
 
 C— We will pursue our way at night. You shall hide 
 in the jungle during the day, and I will repair to the 
 neighbouring villages disguised as a fakeer. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Nonsense, Sir. You won't find it so easy to 
 frighten an old Mofussil lady. The truth of the matter is 
 that I was foolish enough to pay these budmashes before- 
 hand, and they have thrown me over. I must have been 
 an idiot to do it ! 
 
 C. — 0, that quite alters the business, Mrs. Smart. This 
 is a clear case of Wilful Breach of Contract. 'Pen honour, 
 Mrs. Smart, I believe it comes within the scope of the 
 clauses of Mr. Maine's new Bill. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Well, I dare say it does : but I don't see how 
 that will help us : unless, indeed, Mr. Maine would go into 
 the next village and beat up for coolies. But what do you 
 advise, Mr. Cholmondeley ? 
 
 G. — Well, Mrs. Smart, I should advise you to institute 
 a civil suit at once; and, meanwhile, I will press the 
 Government at home to pass a modified Criminal Con- 
 tract Bill. I will engage to do that much for you, Mrs. 
 Smart. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Bless me. Sir, if you have no wiser suggestion 
 to make you had better choop. A modified Criminal Con- 
 tract Bill, indeed ! 
 
 C. — Well, it appears that I can't be of much use in this 
 quarter. I shall mount and be ofE. Grood-bye, Mrs. Smart. 
 Good-bye, Miss Smart. \_Aside.'] Let me see ! The tame 
 pig has a straight tail, and the wild pig a curly tail. I'll 
 take good care to keep that in my head. 
 
 lExit Cholmondelbt. 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA? HI 
 
 Mrs. S. — Well, Fanny, there's an ooloo-ke-butcha ' for 
 you. He'll never set the Hooghly on fire. I wish we 
 could see some sensible, good-natured man who knows the 
 country. Dear me ! What with the heat and vexation, I 
 am quite overcome. I never was out in the sun so late 
 before. Dear me ! What ever shall I do ? \_Cries.] I wish 
 somebody would come to our assistance. What would I 
 give to see a civilian, — or — a military man, — or — or — or — 
 an uncovenanted servant, or — or — or — or — or — or — an in- 
 terloper. 
 
 Enter Maesden. 
 
 M. — What do I see ? Mrs. Smart, and in tears ! I 
 hope and trust no accident has happened to your party. 
 Can I be of any service to you ? 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Oh, Sir, we are in great trouble on account of 
 the dishonesty of our bearers, who have taken to their 
 heels and left the palkees in the middle of the road some 
 hundred yards from hence. 
 
 M. — Dear me! I am very much concerned. What a 
 set of rascals ! I trust, Madam, that you have received no 
 injury. 
 
 Mrs. 8. [aside] — Upon my word he is a very polite 
 young man. I begin to wish he was pucka. [Aloud.'] "No, 
 Sir, we have received no injury, but a great deal of in- 
 convenience. We have still three coss to travel before we 
 reach the tum-tums. 
 
 M. — Oh, in ihat case, pray do not trouble yourself. I 
 shall have great pleasure in driving you on your way in 
 our gharee : that is to say, if you will permit me to have 
 the honour of so doing. 
 
 Mrs. 8. [aside] — ^He certainly is most courteous. I do 
 wish he was pucka. [Aloud] Oh, Sir, many, many thanks. 
 
 ^ Son of an owl. 
 
112 THE DAWK BUNGALOW ; OR, 
 
 Under the circumstances, I shall have great pleasure in 
 accepting your very kind offer. 
 
 Jf. — I am sure, Mrs. Smart, yourself and your daughter 
 must have bee.n much shaken by this contretemps. Would 
 you do us the honour of taking some rest and refreshment 
 in the tent ? 
 
 Mrs. 8. [aside'] — He is really a delightful young man. 
 I begin not to care whether he is pucka or cutcha. [Aloud.'] 
 Sir, I am deeply obliged to you, but I cannot consent to 
 receive the hospitality of Mr. Judkins. I prefer remaining 
 here. [Opens her umbrella.] 
 
 M. [sighs] — Ah, Madam, you little know how deeply 
 wounded would be the heart of that gentleman could he 
 hear the sentiment to which you have given utterance. His 
 exterior is rough, but he is sound at core. Tou will hardly 
 beUeve me when I tell you that he lay awake half the night 
 regretting the intemperate language which he used in your 
 presence. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — And well he might, Mr. Marsden: — well he 
 might. However, I am glad that he is sorry. 
 
 M. — And, Mrs. Smart, you must allow me to say that 
 you are unfair towards him. If you knew him better, your 
 opinion of him would be very different. About three o'clock 
 this morning I was awoke by hearing him sigh. I asked 
 him whether he had a touch of liver, or whether the mos- 
 quitoes troubled him. " No, Marsden," said he, " I was 
 reflecting on my unhappy fortune in having parted in 
 anger with a lady whom I so cordially respect as the last 
 existing specimen of the good old Anglo-Indian style — " 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Did he say that ? 
 
 M. — " That style which went out with the old [Com- 
 pany—" 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Upon my honour ! 
 
 M. — " A lady who is daughter, sister, and wife of Sudder 
 judges." 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA ? 113 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Really, now ! 
 
 M. — " Marsden," he said, " how that woman will shine 
 in Chowringhee when Smart goes to Calcutta to take his 
 seat in the Supreme Council." 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Poor Mr. Judkins ! His head was turned by 
 his appointment to Budgemahal, but his heart is in the 
 right place. 
 
 M. — I knew that you would come to think so, Mrs. 
 Smart. But he is coming out of the tent. Pray, Mrs. 
 Smart, receive him with cordiality. He is dreadfully de- 
 pressed. \^Aside.] He looks like it. 
 
 Enter Jitdkins. 
 
 J. — Mrs. Smart, my servants have informed me how 
 scandalously you have been treated by your bearers. I can 
 assure you that the budmashes shall receive their deserts. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — I have no doubt that everything will be done 
 which justice can demand. 
 
 /. — Yes, Mrs. Smart, budmashes have a bad time of it 
 in my division. In 1857 I was the terror of all the dis- 
 affected villagers for a hundred miles round. The wives of 
 sepoys used to silence their children with the dreaded name 
 of Judkins. The people of those parts long wiU tell how, 
 on the information that a mutineer was concealed in a 
 neighbouring jungle, I turned out with my elephants and 
 horses; how I marched night and day for eleven consecutive 
 hours ; how I surrounded the lair of the fugitive with a 
 cordon of burkundazzes ; ' how I advanced into the thicket, 
 accompanied by the slender escort of three thannadars * and 
 a tipsy darogah ; ^ how fiercely I flung myself on my prey — 
 
 Mrs. 8. — And how you hung him, I suppose, Mr. 
 Judkins ? 
 
 J. — ^Well, Mrs. Smart, to tell you the truth, he turned 
 
 ' Policemen. ' Sergeants. ' Inspector. 
 
114 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; OH, 
 
 out to be a bunnya,^ who had concealed himself for fear of 
 the disbanded sepoys. But I trust you and Miss Smart 
 "will repose yourselves in my tent while the gharee is 
 getting ready. Breakfast will be on the table in half-an- 
 hour. I should feel highly honoured if you would share 
 our meal. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Sir, I shall have the greatest pleasure. 
 
 [Exeunt Mrs. Smaet, Fanny, and Maid into tent. 
 
 M. — ^Why, Sir, how seductive your manners have become 
 all of a sudden ! You have talked over the old lady already. 
 But what is the meaning of all this bobbery ? \_Noise heard. 
 
 Enter Cholmondelet, in the custody of two Bengal police, 
 and followed hy a ryot. 
 
 J. — Mr. Cholmondeley ! in Heaven's name what has 
 happened? I trust you have not had what the Hurha/ru 
 calls " an unfortunate collision with a native : " — a collision 
 in which, somehow or other, the native always comes ofE 
 the worst. 
 
 Byot. — Hussoor, Sahib ne hamara soor marra hai.^ 
 
 G. — Upon my honour, Mr. Judkins, I have not the 
 slightest idea what my crime may be. All I know is that 
 my beaters started a fine hog, which I rode down and 
 speared. While I was engaged in cutting off his head as 
 a trophy, this native fellow came up and made a great noise, 
 calling out something about hamara soor, and foujdaree.' 
 
 /. — ^Well ! how did you reply ? 
 
 G. — Why, I said, "Jungly soor doom," and held my 
 finger oiit like that. [GrooTcs his finger']. On which he said 
 " Nahin, Sahib, jimgly soor ke doom seder hai.* [Straightens 
 hisfkiger.] 
 
 ' Shopkeeper. 
 
 2 " Please your worship, the gentleman has killed my pig." 
 
 ^ Justice. 
 
 " " No, Sir, a wild pig's tail is like this." 
 
IS ins APPOINTMENT PUCKA? US 
 
 J. — What did you say to that ? 
 
 G. — Why, I told him to stop his noise, or I would give 
 him a thrashing. 
 
 J.— WeU, what next ? 
 
 C. — Why, he called in these two peelers, who happened 
 to be passing, and they brought me here like a condemned 
 felon. 
 
 /. — Well, the question is, whether the pig was tame or 
 wild. 
 
 G. — Mr. Judkins, I may be a young pig-sticker, but 
 I am too old a sportsman to make such a mistake as that. 
 However, to convince you, I have brought away the tail. 
 [Holds out a curly tail^ 
 
 J. — My dear Sir, if pigs are tame in proportion to the 
 curliness of their tails, this is the most civilized animal of 
 the sort I ever came across. 
 
 0. — But, happily, as pigs are tame in inverse proportion 
 to the curliness of their tails, this must be the wildest hog 
 in all the North- West. 
 
 J. — Mr. Cholmondeley, you are under a fatal mistake. 
 Wild pigs have straight tails, and tame pigs curly ones. 
 
 G. [clasps his hamds before Ms face. ] — Undone ! undone ! 
 
 J. — Well, Mr. Cholmondeley, you certainly have com- 
 mitted a misdemeanour ; but I don't know under what head 
 it comes in the Penal Code. [Jtjdkins taJces up the " Gode."'\ 
 rU look through the index. Let me see. "Housebreaking 
 by night." Tour offence can hardly be said to come under 
 that section. " Idiot — Act of, when no offence." But you're 
 not an idiot. [Aside.] He's only a fool. " Landmark — 
 Diminishing usefulness of one fixed by public servant." 
 You certainly have diminished the usefulness of a pig, but 
 that animal is not a landmark fixed by a public servant. 
 "Lieutenant-Grovernor — ^ Assault on." "Member of Council 
 - — Attempt to overawe." I hope you haven't been attempting 
 to frighten Mr. Laing into renewing the Income-tax — eh. 
 
116 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; OS, 
 
 Cholmondeley ? This loots more like it : " Mischief — 
 Punishment for, when simple. By exhibiting false light or 
 mark to mislead navigators." Ton have not by any chance 
 been exhibiting a false light or mark to mislead navigators, 
 have you? "By causing inundation or obstructing drainage." 
 That won't do. Oh, here it is : " Whoever commits mischief 
 by killing, poisoning, maiming, or rendering useless any 
 animal or animals of tbe value of ten rupees or upwards, 
 shall be punished with imprisonment of either description, 
 for a term wbich may extend to two years, or five, or both." 
 Ho, you ! Tumarar soor ke dam kitna hai ? ^ 
 
 Myot. — Eck sou rupea, Sahib.^ 
 
 J. — There, Cholmondeley, you are liable to imprison- 
 ment of either description for a term of two years, or five, 
 or both. Which will you take ? Tou may as well have 
 both while you're about it. 
 
 G. — Lord ! This is a dreadful business. Mr. Judkins 
 for heaven's sake, arrange it somehow. Why did I come 
 out to this awful country ?' 
 
 J. — Well, I'll try. Atcha, Sahib teen rupea toom ko 
 dagabuss.^ 
 
 Byot.- — Nahin, Sahib, dega teen rupea ath anna.'' 
 
 J. — Here, Cholmondeley, give this fellow three rupees 
 and a half, and he'll say no more about it. 
 
 C. — Lord, what influence you local officers have over' 
 the natives ! \Fays the money ^ Thank Heaven ! I'm out- 
 of that. \_Hmeunt natives. 
 
 J. — Now, Marsden, we'll go in to the ladies. Breakfast- 
 must be ready by this time. You'll join us soon, I hope^ 
 Mr. Cholmondeley. 
 
 [Exeunt Judkins and Maesden into tent.- 
 
 ' " What is your pig worth ? " 
 
 ^ " One hundred rupees, Sir." 
 
 ' " Look here. The Sahib will give you three rupees." 
 
 ■" "Ah ! Sahib, give nie three rupees eight annas." 
 
IS mS APPOINTMENT PUCKA? H? 
 
 G. — This unlucky business has quite taken away my 
 appetite for India. I'm hanged if I don't go home by the 
 next boat, and make my arrangements for bringing Sir 
 Charles Wood to book. I'm resolved never to come out 
 here again, not even as Governor-General. Hulloa ! There 
 goes that rascal Abdool as drunk as an engine-driver on the 
 East Indian Railway. [Exit, calling to Abdool. 
 
 Enter Jttdkins and Mrs. Smaet. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — Well, Mr. Judkins, I consider that we were 
 very fortunate in having met with our disaster. We have 
 been most magnificently entertained. 
 J. — You are very good to say so. 
 
 Mrs. S. — That vegetable curry was excellent. Of course 
 your cook is a Mug ? ' What do you give him ? 
 
 /. — Well, Mrs. Smart, he used to get eighteen, but now 
 I've cut him two rupees. I told him that it would never do 
 for domestic servants to get the same, now that civil servants 
 are being cut all round. Hang these reductions, Mrs. 
 Smart ! Hang these reductions ! The Civil Service will 
 soon cease to be a decent provision for the cadet in the 
 family of a thriving greengrocer. 
 
 Mrs. 8. — ^Tes, you and I have lived to see sad changes, 
 Mr. Judkins. I remember the days when every servant in 
 my house was a Government chuprassie,^ with the excep- 
 tion of the khansaumaun and a Portuguese ayah. Now we 
 think ourselves well provided if we have some six fellows, 
 who grumble if they are told to carry a chit ' or take the 
 children a walk. 
 
 /. — Tes, Mrs. Smart, times are altered. Times are 
 altered. 
 
 ' A native of Arracan, whence the best cooks come. 
 ^ Messengers. In old days these officers were very generally em- 
 ployed for domestic purposes. 
 "" A note. 
 
118 THE DAWK BUNGALOW; OB, 
 
 Mrs. S. — They are indeed, Mr. Judkins. But do you 
 know that Mr. Marsden reminds me of the good old style 
 more than any young man whom I have met for years ? 
 He has quite the manners of the best set among the junior 
 factors a quarter of a century ago. 
 
 /. — Ah, Madam, I wish you could bring yourself to look 
 more kindly on his suit, both for his sake and for Fanny's. 
 It is impossible to avoid seeing that she will never be happy 
 with anyone else. 
 
 Mrs. S. — Well, I am not opposed to the marriage on 
 mercenary grounds. He is low down in the Service ; but 
 that matters little at his age. A clever Assistant-Magis- 
 trate is a better match than a foolish Collector with Pull 
 Powers. But, Mr. Judkins, I am a woman of principle. I 
 cannot and will not give my daughter to a man whose ap- 
 pointment is not pucka. 
 
 Enter Teoopee. 
 
 Trooper. — Commissioner Sahib ke waste chittee hai. 
 [Presents a letter — Judkins reads.] 
 
 J. — Here, Marsden ! Tanny ! AH the world ! Come out 
 here, everybody ! yes ! yes ! Listen all good people ! 
 — " The Lieutenant-Governor, having received information 
 that the bridge over the Eotawaddy nullah, built by Lieu- 
 tenant Marsden, of the Bengal Native Infantry, Acting- 
 Assistant-Sub-Deputy -Inspector of Bridges in the Public 
 Works Department, stood during a whole fortnight of the 
 rains, and then only gave way in one arch, desires to ex- 
 press his satisfaction in the conduct of that officer by con- 
 firming his appointment." Prank, I congratulate you. 
 Come, young fellow, go and thank the powerful friend to 
 whom you owe the appointment. There she stands. 
 [Points to Pannt.j 
 
 M. — I must first request Mrs. Smart to inform me 
 
IS HIS APPOINTMENT PUCKA? HQ 
 
 whether the gulf which separates me from her daughter is 
 bridged over as well as the Eotawaddy nullah ? 
 
 Mrs. S. — Well, Mr. Marsden, you have now my leave to 
 say what you Uke to Fanny. 
 
 M. — Fanny, I am cutcha no longer. May I become a 
 covenanted servant in the sweetest sense ? [^Kisses her 
 hand.'] 
 
 Mrs. S. — Well, it seems that you will not have much 
 difB.cnlty in that quarter. 
 
 /. — But what will Mr. Smart say to it? 
 
 Mrs. S. — O, pray don't trouble yourselves about that. 
 Mr. Smart does not play the Sudder Judge in his own 
 family. [^Coming forward.] And now only one thing re- 
 mains. Whatever may have been the merits of our acting, 
 the performance must be cutcha unless you confirm it with 
 your applause. Will you pass an order to that effect ? As 
 to the stage, scenery, and dresses, we have done our best, 
 and the Lieutenant-Grovernor his kindest ; and we trust 
 that we may with confidence ask the vital question — " Were 
 the appointments pucka? " [^Curtain falls.} 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD 
 FRIENDS. 
 
 OUR own poets have described, far too minutely to 
 need repetition here, the charms and glories of 
 Grecian scenery: — the chains of lofty peaks, their summits 
 crowned with snow, and their lower slopes clad with dwarf- 
 oak and arbutus ; — the valleys running from the shore into 
 the heartipf the mountains; — the bold headlands alter- 
 nating with shady creeks, the haunt of nymphs in the days 
 of Hesiod, and the lair of pirates in the days of Byron. 
 This fair region is now for the most part deserted and 
 neglected, brown and arid from the disuse of artificial 
 irrigation. The traveller paces across the market-place of 
 Sparta revolver in hand, and with side-long glances into 
 the bushes that fringe his path ; and amidst the ruins of 
 Thebes the sportsman may shoot in a forenoon woodcocks 
 enough to make the fortune of ten Norfolk battues. But 
 it was not so always. There was once another and far 
 different Greece, which can no longer be visited by steamer, 
 and diligence, and railway; — which can be viewed only 
 through the medium of her own eternal literature. In the 
 aid time every one of those valleys swarmed with cattle, 
 and blushed with orchards, and glowed vdth harvests. 
 Every one of those innumerable creeks was the site of some 
 proud city, whose name, and history, and legendary lore 
 are familiar to the British school-boy long before he can 
 .name .within fifty miles the locality of one in three among 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 121 
 
 the great seats of industry enfranchised hy the bill of Mr. 
 Disraeli. 
 
 Each of these cities was a little state in itself, governed 
 by its own laws, its own interests, and its own traditions. 
 It is diificult for the member of a great European nation 
 to realize such a condition of things. These notable com- 
 munities, whose names have been household words to the 
 educated men of fourscore generations, — Argos and My- 
 censB, Corinth and Megara, — were mere parishes compared 
 with the smallest kingdoms of our epoch ; — mere bits of 
 territory, seven, ten, or fifteen miles square, with a walled 
 town planted somewhere towards the centre of the region. 
 Athens was the most populous among the whole cluster of 
 Grecian states, and the Athenian citizens who were capable 
 of bearing arms in the field numbered only sixteen thousand 
 in the days of Pericles. She was by far more opulent than 
 any of her neighbours ; and yet her public revenue at no 
 time reached half a milUon sterling. And, nevertheless, 
 these tiny republics carried matters with a high hand. They 
 waged war, and despatched embassies, and concluded alli- 
 ances with a solemnity and an earnestness which would do 
 credit to the government of the most extensive modem 
 empires. They had their Cavours, and their Palmerstons, 
 and their Bismarcks. They swore to treaties of guarantee 
 as readily, and violated those treaties as complacently as 
 any European statesman of our days. One little nationality 
 would invade the confines of another with a host of seven 
 hundred foot and two or three and twenty cavalry ; while 
 the invaded party would retaliate by despatching a fleet of 
 a dozen cock-boats to lay waste the seaboard of the 
 aggressors. 
 
 A homely illustration will give a better conception of 
 Grecian international policy than pages of antique statistics. 
 Imagine a jealousy to spring up between the boroughs of 
 theJPalkirk districtand the boroughsjof the Stirling, district. 
 
122 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 in consequence of the authorities of the latter community 
 haviag assessed topoor- rates the sacred soil of Bannockbum. 
 On a misty drizzling night towards the end of November 
 some burgesses of Linlithgow, who are not satisfied with 
 the result of the late municipal elections, open one of the 
 gates to a party of the enemy. The Stirling men enter the 
 town stealthily, penetrate to the Grassmarket, and then blow 
 a bugle, and irndte the citizens of Linlithgow, on pain of 
 sack and massacre, to separate themselves from the neigh- 
 bouring boroughs. The inhabitants are at first taken by 
 surprise ; but presently they recover themselves, and stand 
 on their defence. They overturn waggons, tear up the 
 pavement, man the walls, and send ofE posthaste for as- 
 sistance. Down come fifty score stout fellows from Lanark 
 and Airdrie. The invaders make a gallant resistance, but 
 are overpowered and slaughtered to a man. Then the cry 
 for vengeance rises over the whole Stirling district. Hos- 
 tilities are at once proclaimed. The town council assembles, 
 and passes a war-budget. A duty of five per cent, is laid on 
 butter, and ten per cent, on woollen cloth. There is to be 
 a loan of twenty thousand pounds, and a vote of credit for 
 three thousand five hundred. The local Tories object to 
 this lavish expenditure ; upon which two leading Conserva- 
 tives are banished, and two more are slain in a popular 
 tumult. The Stirling people take into their pay three 
 hundred Perthshire Highlanders, commanded by the- Duke 
 of Athol's head forester ; but, on the other hand, two com- 
 panies of the City of Edinburgh Volunteers march out of 
 their own accord to the aid of the men of Falkirk. Presently 
 there is a pitched battle under the walls of Queensferry. 
 Mr. OUphant breaks the right wiag of his opponents, and 
 drives it as far as Dalmeny. But, in another part of the 
 field, the discipline and valour of the Edinburgh contingent 
 carries everythiag before it. Some of the Stirling men fly 
 to Leith ; some take refuge in Queensferry. Their leader, 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 123 
 
 after teliaving with more than his wonted courage, is left 
 on the plain for dead. The Inverkeithing detachment is 
 caught between the sea and the foe, and entirely destroyed. 
 The booty is enormous. A Volunteer from the Old Town 
 comes home with seven captives ; one of whom he makes 
 his groom, and another his footman ; three he employs as 
 day-labourers ; the sixth, a graduate of St. Andrew's, he 
 hires out to wealthy families as a daily tutor ; while the 
 seventh, who happens to be a Baillie, he ransoms for 
 five hundred pounds, a sea-piece by Stanfield, and ten 
 shares in a limited company. This slight sketch will give 
 a shrewd idea of an old Greek war ; indeed, were we to 
 substitute " Thebes " for "Stirling," and "Platsea" for 
 " Linlithgow," it would read like a roughly executed epitome 
 of one of the most interesting passages in Thucydides. 
 
 The curse of Hellenic life was the constant fighting. 
 Partly from circumstances, partly from natural incHnation, 
 the Greeks formed the most quarrelsome family that has 
 existed since the days of Cain and Abel. Those old re- 
 publics fell out as readily as Scotch and Enghsh borderers 
 in the fifteenth century, and then carried on hostilities with 
 yet more system and pertinacity than the most civilized and 
 Christian of the great modem nations. A remarkable in- 
 dication of the bellicose propensities of these peppery little 
 states is that, instead of declaring war, they used to declare 
 peace. The instant that a five years' truce or a twenty 
 years' truce between two cities had come to an end the 
 contractiQg parties were at full liberty to begin driving 
 cattle, and cutting down orchards, and burning crops: 
 thereby evincing their belief in the principle that war was 
 the normal condition of human existence. 
 
 A casus belli was never far to seek. Now it was a slight 
 offered by individual members of one community to the 
 patron deity of another : now som.e time-honoured dispute 
 a^o it boundaries, revived for the occasion beneath the 
 
124 A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 genial influence of local jealousy untempered by the pos- 
 session of ordnance maps : now a complaint about the 
 harbouring of runaway slaves or the entertainment of po- 
 litical refugees. A standing bone of contention was the 
 protective tendency of ancient commerce : which may be 
 realized by depicting to oneself all the towns on the Humber 
 actuated in their mutual dealings by the spirit that existed 
 between the Spanish and English traders in the reign of 
 Elizabeth, when a Devonshire skipper detected west of the 
 Azores might mate his account never to see Lyme or Dart- 
 mouth again unless he could turn the tables upon his captors. 
 With such a tariff it may well be believed that informers 
 drove a bouncing trade. The prohibition placed upon the 
 traffic in fruit by the Attic law has been immortalized in 
 the term " sycophant," which has somehow lost its origi- 
 nal signification of a custom-house spy. 
 
 Then there were the claims of the parent city upon the 
 colony : a fruitful source of discord among an enterprising 
 people, pinched for room at home, who in the space of 
 three centuries covered with thriving settlements the coasts 
 of the .a]gean, the Euxine, the Adriatic, and the Ionian 
 seas. These claims, in theory most extensive and peculiarly 
 binding, in practice were generally allowed to lie dormant 
 until their resuscitation seemed likely to afford a pretext 
 for going to war. The longest and most determined struggle 
 recorded in Grrecian history arose from a dispute between 
 the mother country and the grandmother as to which had 
 the best right to protect their offspring from the incursion 
 of the surrounding aborigines. 
 
 Anybody who has watched during a period of some 
 years the diplomatic relations of English municipalities 
 must have been impressed by the strength and permanence 
 of their corporate patriotism : — how greedily the public 
 opinion of a town will cling to any mark of hereditary 
 superiority over a rival 4 — with what uneasiness it is brought 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 125 
 
 to recognize sucli superiority in another : — ^witli what per- 
 severance and eagerness the object of desire is sought and 
 with what satisfaction obtained, whether it be a separate 
 custom-house, or a fresh batch of magistrates, or an ex- 
 emption from the restrictions on the transport of live cattle, 
 or the abolition of a toll which goes to pave and light the 
 streets of a privileged neighbour. No one can form a true 
 conception of Hellenic society who for a moment loses 
 sight of the fact that Hellas consisted of an assemblage of 
 boroughs with these sentiments of ambition and self-respect 
 intensified twentyf old ; sanctified by religious associations ; 
 ennobled by the names of heroes and demigods ; dignified 
 by the eloquence of orators like Pericles and the imagina- 
 tion of poets like ^schylus and Pindar ; inflamed by the 
 recollection of past insults and injuries ; unrestrained by the 
 influence of any central and paramount authority. There 
 is much truth in the picture drawn by Aristophanes in his 
 play of the Achamians, where the principal actor speaks as 
 follows, in a very free translation : — 
 
 " I hope the spectators will not take it amiss if I talk a 
 little about public affairs, though I am playing burlesque : 
 — for one has a conscience, even in burlesque. And this time 
 Cleon will hardly be able to charge me with vilifying the 
 State in the presence of foreigners, because it is too early 
 in the year for foreigners, and we have the theatre to our- 
 selves. 
 
 " Now, you must know that I perfectly abominate the 
 Lacedaemonians, and cordially hope that the next earth- 
 quake will bring all their houses about their ears ; for I, as 
 "Well as others, have had their foragers in my vineyard. 
 But, come now, (for I see none but friends about me), 
 "why, after all, are we to lay everything to the door of the 
 Lacedaemonians? For you will remember that certain 
 of our people : — I do not refer to the country in general : 
 ■don't mistake me for a moment; I make no allusion 
 
126 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 to the country in general : — certain dirty, counterfeit, con- 
 temptible scamps were always giving tlie police notice 
 about Megarian woollens. And if tbey caught sight of 
 a cucumber, or a leveret, or a sucting-pig, or a head of 
 garlic, or a lump of salt, as a matter of course it came 
 from Megara, and was declared contraband on the spot. 
 But these doings were a trifle, and too much in the ordinary 
 Athenian style to need remark, until some young sparks 
 thought fit to go on a tipsy frolic to Megara, and carry off 
 a woman. Whereupon the Megarians were cut to the soul 
 by the outrage, and made reprisals by running away with 
 two of Aspasia's girls ; and so the Grecian world broke out 
 into war for the sake of a leash of baggages. And then 
 Olympian Pericles, in all his terrors, fell to thundering, and 
 lightening, and shutting our markets against the Megarians, 
 and bringing in a string of prohibitory laws that ran like 
 drinking-catches. And, when the Megarians found them- 
 selves dying by slow starvation, they petitioned the Lacedse- 
 monians to get the enactments repealed that had been 
 passed on behalf of those three hussies. But we would not 
 hear of it ; and so shields began banging together from one 
 end of G-reece to the other. ' It was all very wrong,' you 
 wiU say ; but how can you expect other people to be more 
 patient than yourselves ? Why, if a Lacedsemonian had 
 chartered a bumboat, and run a cargo of a single blind 
 puppy into one of your dependencies, would you have sat 
 quiet at home ? Not you. Before the day was out, you 
 would be putting in commission three hundred galleys ; and 
 the dockyards would resound with the planing of oar-blades, 
 and the driving in of bolts, and the shifting of rowlocks, 
 and the whistling of boatswains ; and the streets would be 
 alive with paying of bounties, and weighing out of rations, 
 and marines squabbling, and captains getting elected, and 
 figure-heads getting gilded, and garlic and olives and onions 
 getting stuffed into nets, and tins of preserved anchovies. 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 127 
 
 and garlands, and daneing-girls, and bloody-noses, and 
 black eyes." 
 
 The historical interest of these incessant wars is out of 
 all proportion to their size. Indeed, military narratives are 
 usually attractive in inverse ratio to the numher of com- 
 hatants engaged ; for, the fewer the actors, the more marked 
 becomes the personal character of the scene. The result of 
 a great modern conflict depends on an immense multitude 
 of incidents, so interwoven that it is all but impossible to 
 disentangle them and to credit each with its due import- 
 ance. A cursory relation of such a struggle as Magenta or 
 Sadowa is simply unintelligible. We cannot comprehend 
 what caused the failure of the attack on the redoubt, and 
 the partial success of the advance en Echelon ; how it was 
 that the right centre found itself compromised about three 
 in the afternoon, and why it should not have experienced 
 that sensation an hour earlier or two hours later. On the 
 other hand, when Mr. Kinglake tells the story so that it can 
 be enjoyed and understood by recognizing the human 
 element in the affair, there is the drawback that it takes 
 longer to read the battle than to fight it. He must be a 
 very idle fellow who could afford time to get through the 
 Leipsic campaign when detailed at the same length as the 
 fight on the Alma : — that is to say, if he could find any- 
 body long-lived enough to write it for him. The Duke of 
 Wellington most happily compared a battle to a London 
 ball. Each person at the breakfast- table next morning can 
 recall certain detached occurrences, and can state generally 
 how the evening went off ; but no one pretends to ascertain 
 the precise sequence and connection of all those individual 
 experiences. A Greek combat may be likened to a Christ- 
 mas quadrille in the servants' hall, 'in which everybody 
 knows that the cook wore lavender kid gloves, and that 
 the son of the house flirted with the lady's-maid. 
 
 And so it is delightful to turn from the elaborate techni- 
 
128 -A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 calities of contemporary warfare to the simple manoeuvres 
 by which Miltiades and Epaminondas won and lost their 
 battles. Commanding, as he did, a small but high-spirited 
 body of miUtiamen — who were at home the equals of their 
 leader, and while on active service never forgot that he 
 was their fellow-citizen ; who, when they behaved well, 
 fought for the gratification of an old grudge or for the 
 honour and advancement of their native town ; and, when 
 not in tone, were much more afraid of the enemy than of 
 their own officers — a Q-reek strategist was forced to adapt 
 his tactics quite as much to the temper of his men as to 
 the nature of the locality. He was not even permitted to 
 take their courage for granted, as is the privilege of generals 
 who have to do with regular soldiers ; but was under the 
 necessity of harranguing his army whenever there was a 
 prospect of coming to blows. Athenian military men, 
 trained in their courts of law and their popular assembly, 
 were for the most part voluble enough ; but it must have 
 been a serious addition to the responsibilities of an honest 
 Boeotian veteran to spend the eve of an action in stringing 
 together platitudes about patriotism, and tutelary gods, 
 and ancestral ashes, when he ought to have been eating 
 his supper and visiting his outposts. 
 
 A good illustration, both of the minute scale on which 
 a G-reek commander conducted his operations, and of the 
 weight which he attached to catching his adversaries when 
 they were not in a fighting humour, is afforded by Cleon's 
 expedition to Amphipolis, against which he marched at the 
 head of 1,500 foot and 300 cavalry. Brasidas, the best 
 partisan leader of the day, and perhaps of all time, hesitated 
 to attack so powerful a force in the open field, and made 
 arrangements for sallying forth upon the invaders at an 
 unexpected moment, just as they should imagine that they 
 were going to occupy the place without opposition. But it 
 so happened that some Athenian scouts espied symptoms 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 129 
 
 of an ambuscade within the city, and took the information 
 to Cleon, who, having reconnoitred the Spartan position by 
 the very primitive method of looking underneath the gate, 
 ordered his column to draw off towards higher ground. 
 Upon which Brasidas said to those about him, " I can see 
 by the movement of their heads and their pikes that the 
 enemy will not stand. People who march in that style 
 never await the onset. Throw open the gates, and let us 
 charge them hke men who are sure to win ! " And with a 
 hundred and fifty picked soldiers at his heels he ran out to 
 his last victory. 
 
 The multifarious talents and accomplishments that were 
 indispensable to a Greek general made a heavy demand 
 even upon the many-sided Athenian character. It was of 
 primary necessity that he should be a skilful diplomatist, in 
 order to keep his network of intrigues under his own hand, 
 and not leave them to the criticism and manipulation of 
 his political rivals at home. He had one agent at the 
 Macedonian court, urging Perdiccas to attack the hostile 
 colonies from the land-side, and promising, in return, to get 
 the heir-apparent naturalised as an Attic freeman ; another 
 among the Thracian mountains, levying a corps of archers 
 and sHngers, and doing his best to prejudice the barbarian 
 intellect against the Lacedaemonian recruiting-officers ; 
 while his most confidential emissary was at Sardis, watching 
 the carefully balanced policy of the Satrap, or even posting 
 up-country on a six months' journey to the neighbourhood 
 of the Caspian sea, with a remote hope of inducing the 
 Great King to forget Marathon. He must know the rudi- 
 ments of divination, so as to keep a sharp eye on his 
 prophets, and insist with authority, when he had once made 
 up his mind to engage the enemy, on the priest sacrificing 
 sheep after sheep until the omens chose to be favourable. 
 He must be well acquainted with naval matters, in a 
 country where nine-tenths of the fighting took place among 
 
 K 
 
130 -4 HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 tbe islands or along the sea-board. And, besides being 
 sometliing of a soothsayer, and something more of a sailor, 
 it was, above all, essential that he should be very much of 
 a politician ; for the success or failure of a military enter- 
 prise was inextricably bound up in the changes and chances 
 of internal politics. Throughout the towns of Greece the 
 oligarchy held staunchly by conservative Sparta ; while the 
 democracy looked to Athens as their natural patron aid 
 protector ; regarded her triumphs and humiliations as their 
 own ; summoned her without scruple to the rescue, if their 
 political avdversaries proved too strong for them to manage 
 single-handed ; and, when their own ascendancy had been 
 secured, freely sent their ships and squadrons to back her 
 quarrel for the time being. A member of the popular party 
 at Corinth virtually reckoned an Athenian as his country- 
 man, and a Corinthian aristocrat as an alien ; whereas a 
 Megarian Tory would far rather see a Lacedaem onian garrison 
 in the citadel than a Liberal majority in the senate. If 
 her friends gained the upper hand, a city which had been 
 a thorn in the side of Athens might in a day become an 
 outpost for her protection ; while a lucky coup d'etat, or 
 a few judicious assassinations, might place thousands of 
 shields and scores of galleys at the disposal of Sparta. So 
 that a wise commander paid quite as much attention to the 
 opinions of the enemy as to his own tactics ; and a prudent 
 engineer trusted less to his scaling-ladders and his mines 
 than to the chance of finding a gate left on the jar, or a rope 
 hanging over the parapet. A general unskilled in statecraft 
 was about as useful as an electioneering agent who ignores 
 Church matters. 
 
 In every Greet state there existed these two parties, 
 ranged against each other in open or covert hostility. The 
 democratical faction was strong in numbers and enthusiasm 
 The oligarchial faction held its own by dint of wealth, 
 energy, and an excellent organization. When the popular 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 131 
 
 spirit was excited by hope, or resentment, Or panic, the 
 onward rush of the masses was irresistible ; but at ordinary 
 times the aristocrats, ever on the alert for an opportunity, 
 gradually recovered their lost ground ; just as the Carlton 
 picked up the great majority of the seats which fell vacant 
 during the continuance of Lord Palmerston's Parlianlent, 
 while Liberal triumphs are for the most part won amidst 
 the heat and turmoil of a general election. Cooped up 
 within the ramparts of a single town, and brought into daily 
 collision throughout all the departments of municipal ad- 
 ministration, these factions hated each other with a ferocity 
 which very seldom for long together confined itself to words 
 and looks. Mutual suspicions, mutual injuries, mutual 
 treacheries soon brought about such a state of feeling that 
 men began to believe in the necessity for mutual butchery. 
 Then came riots in the pubhc places, nocturnal murders of 
 the leading demagogues, arson, chance-medley, and every 
 manifestation of rancour and anarchy. Moderate politicians 
 went to the wall, and were lucky if they did not go to the 
 gallows. Men paid to their party-club the allegiance which 
 they refused to their common country, and did not hesitate 
 to call in the aid of the foreign sword, or the servile torch 
 and bludgeon. When matters were at this pass, a civil war 
 was the inevitable issue. The battle would be fought out 
 among the warehouses, the temples, and the wharves of the 
 unhappy city. Victory would at length place the beaten 
 faction beneath the feet of its vindictive rival. Then would 
 follow proscriptions, confiscations, the execution of scores, 
 and the banishment of hundreds. Bad men would take 
 advantage of the general licence to wreak their personal 
 vengeance, and glut their private cupidity. Debtors can- 
 celled their bonds in the blood of the holders ; lovers 
 laid informations against their successful rivals ; actors 
 retaliated on the critics who had hissed them off the 
 stage ; and philosophers turned the tables upon some 
 
132 A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 unfortunate logician who had refuted their favourite 
 syllogism. 
 
 If any one suspects that this account is overcoloured, 
 let him turn to the fourth book of Thucydides, and read 
 what took place in lovely Corfu, on a day in the late 
 autumn, near three-and-twenty centuries back in the depths 
 of time. After the island had been distracted by internal 
 war for the space of many months, it came to pass that the 
 relics of the oligarchy, some three hundred in number, fell 
 into the hands of their opponents ; " who," says the his- 
 torian, " shut up the prisoners in a large building, and then 
 brought them forth, twenty at a time, tied them in a string, 
 and sent them down between two parallel rows of armed 
 men, attended by people with cart-whips, whose business it 
 was to quicken the steps of those who lagged behind ; and 
 whoever happened to have a grudge against any of the 
 captives got a cut or stab at him as he passed by. And 
 sixty had been so disposed of before those in the building 
 were aware of what was going on (for they imagined that 
 their companions were being simply conducted to another 
 place of confinement). But at last some one let them into 
 the secret : and then the poor fellows began to call upon 
 the Athenian admiral, and bade him kill them, if it seemed 
 good to him ; but they positively refused to leave the build- 
 ing, and swore that no one should enter from the outside 
 as long as they had power to prevent it. And then the 
 populace gave up the idea of forcing the doors, and 
 clambered on to the roof, tore open the ceiling, and pelted 
 the people below with the tiles ; while others got bows, and 
 shot down through the aperture. And the men inside kept 
 off the missiles as best they might ; but soon they found 
 reason to give themselves up for lost, and one after another 
 they made away with their lives. Some picked up the 
 arrows, and thrust them into their throats ; while others 
 twisted themselves halters with strips torn from their 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 133 
 
 clothes, or with the cords of some beds which happened 
 to have been left about. And far into the night (for the 
 sun went down upon the melancholy scene) they continued 
 dying by their own hands, or beneath the shower of darts 
 and brickbats. And, when day broke, the townspeople 
 piled them in layers on waggons, and took them outside 
 the city." 
 
 From such horrors we are effectually preserved by the 
 very different character of our political situation. Wherever 
 party feeling runs high among a fieiy and earnest race, 
 there is always a latent possibility of party violence. Half 
 a century has not elapsed since, on the ground where the 
 Free Trade Hall now stands, the county yeomanry slew 
 fourteen of the Manchester reformers. Barely four years 
 ago the Orange carpenters drove the Catholic navvies into 
 the mud of the Belfast docks, as far as men could wade 
 short of stifling, and then fired at leisure upon their helpless 
 foes. But in a country which counts its inhabitants by tens 
 of milUons the very size of the community is a sure pro- 
 tection against any fatal excesses. However fierce and 
 eager may be the factions in a particular borough or city, 
 the force of external public opinion, and the overwhelming 
 strength of the central government, will speedily check all 
 dangerous manifestations of political passions. Where Hel- 
 lenic democrats would have called in the Athenian fleet to 
 assist them in getting the better of their adversaries, — 
 where Hellenic aristocrats would have welcomed an in- 
 vasions of Spartans or an insurrection of serfs, — we content 
 ourselves with telegraphing for a few dozen of the county 
 police, or a troop of hussars from the neighbouring assize- 
 town. And so our civic strife is waged, — not with daggers, 
 and clubs, and fire-brands, and fragments of broken pottery, 
 — but with the more pacific artillery of polling-cards, and 
 handbills, and addresses. 
 
 The historians of G-reece from Xenophon downwards 
 
134 ^ BOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 have imitated the people of whom they write, and make a 
 point of ranging themselves under the tanners of one or 
 the other of the two leading cities. This spirit of un- 
 compromising partisanship, excusable, and even graceful 
 in a contemporary, writing of the scenes in which he had 
 acted and the, men whom he had loved and hated, becomes 
 somewhat absurd when transferred to pages printed in 
 Paternoster Eow. For some time previous to the French 
 Eevolution Athens had the best of it. Freedom and 
 equality were the order of the day. Liberals of a milder 
 type talked with admiration of Pericles and Aristides; 
 while sterner spirits were all for Harmodius and Aristogiton, 
 and for carrying their daggers in boughs of myrtle, and 
 for irrigating trees of liberty with the blood of tyrants. 
 Then came the great flood of conservative reaction, which 
 penetrated into this singular side-channel, and produced a 
 crop of authors who discovered that the Attic democracy 
 was a fickle and ferocious mob ; so godless that it burned 
 the temples of a conquered city, and so superstitious that 
 it flew into a frenzy of rage and terror when an idol was 
 mutilated by a party of midnight roysterers ; so inconstant 
 that it deserted Alcibiades, and so fond and besotted that 
 it always stuck to Cleon. This school could see nothing in 
 the Athenian constitution except ballot, universal suffrage, 
 and graduated taxation, bearing lightly on the poor and 
 heavily on the rich and powerful ; struck at Charles Fox in 
 the person of Demosthenes, and bespattered Orator Hunt 
 under the guise of Hyperbolus ; and loathed the wreath on 
 the brows of an Hellenic demagogue as if it were the white 
 hat of a British radical. For a generation the serried 
 ranks of Mitford and his disciples carried all before them ; 
 but a far keener intellect, and an abler though not an 
 impartial pen, has at length turned the balance of war ; 
 and it is probable that Englishmen will henceforward 
 in the main take their opinions on G-reeian international 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 135 
 
 history from Mr. Grote's exhaustive yet most attractive 
 work. 
 
 When we consider that all Hellenic communities sprang 
 from a common stock, worshipped common gods, and spoke 
 a common tongue, it is not surprising that men of the same 
 political faction should have made a common cause through- 
 out the Grecian world. Even among the heterogeneous 
 races included within the circle of modern civilization there 
 are symptoms that an age is approaching when the patriot- 
 ism of party will displace the patriotism of locality. In- 
 creased facility of locomotion and communication is be- 
 ginning to do the work of a universal language. There is 
 everywhere a great and growing fellow-feehng between those 
 who worship reason and progress, as opposed to the vota- 
 ries of force and prescription. And it is by the direction 
 which his sympathy takes with reference to affairs abroad 
 that we can test the real instinct of a man more surely than 
 by his professed opinions on matters nearer home. Towards 
 the close of 1865, on the eve of the political mtlee, by 
 observing the tone which a member of Parliament adopted 
 with regard to the Jamaica troubles, a shrewd guess might 
 be made at the lobby in which he would be most often 
 found in the course of the coming session. On the other 
 hand, the tirades of the intellectual French press against 
 English reform have opened our eyes as to the liberalism 
 of certain Paris liberals. The Special Correspondent of 
 The Times is great on General Butler's proclamation. Port 
 Lafayette, and the rising inundation of greenbacks. The 
 radical pamphleteer can see nothing but the barbarity of 
 the Confederate guerillas, and the horrors of a Southern 
 prison. The Conservative, ready charged with pity and in- 
 dignation, waits for the news that Maximilian has been 
 shot ; while the Liberal is prepared to be unable to forget 
 who it was that murdered Ortega and his comrades in 
 vindication of the principle of hereditary divine right, im- 
 
136 A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 ported to a hemisphere where it never existed from a 
 continent where it is no longer wanted. "We condemn the 
 tyranny or violence committed in distant countries on 
 behalf of the cause which we have at heart with a show of 
 displeasure not more genuine than that which we exhibit 
 when our leading supporter canvasses a tenant in a manner 
 too pressing and with too loud a voice, or when humbler 
 allies evince their attachment by mobbing a hostile free- 
 holder. And when the cause wins a signal victory, on 
 however remote a field, we exult as if at the critical hour 
 of noon there had occurred a favourable turn in the tide 
 of a hard-fought contest ; as if, to the sound of the wort- 
 men's dinner-bell, yards and factories were pouring forth 
 their streams of friendly voters ; while already our own 
 statement of the poll places us five hundred to the fore, 
 and ouropponent contents himself with a majority of eleven. 
 To the true soldier, as long as the day goes well, it matters 
 not whether the enemy are giving ground on the extreme 
 of the farthest wing, or in his own immediate front. Suc- 
 cess is the same, whether gained among the pine-forests of 
 Virginia, or the vineyards of Lombardy, or on the Bohemian 
 slopes, or around the Westminster hustings. 
 
 The security of these little Grreek boroughs, hating each 
 other more bitterly than Yienna and Turin, and situated in 
 closer proximity than Putney and Islington, depended ab- 
 solutely on the natural or artificial strength of their defences. 
 In most cases the citadel, in some the entire town, was 
 planted on the summit of a precipitous rock. Where the 
 site was less advantageous the place was surrounded by 
 battlements of immense height and solidity. If the territory 
 comprised a port anywhere within six or seven miles of the 
 capital, the city was connected with the harbour and the 
 dock by works known technically as " long walls." In time 
 of war a sufiicient number of the burghers were told off to 
 man the line of circumvallation. A bell was passed from 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 137 
 
 hand to hand, whose continnous ringing announced that 
 the cordon of sentries was on the alert. Sparta, alone of 
 Hellenic communities, scorned to surround herself with 
 material bulwarks other than the corslets of her soldiers ; 
 but, like Paris in 1814, she found reason to repent of this 
 over-confidence when her power had been shaken, and her 
 ascendancy called in question, by the vital defeat of 
 Leuctra. 
 
 In the eyes of a G-reek the town-wall was the symbol of 
 distinct national existence. The first act of a conqueror 
 who desired to have his prostrate enemies permanently at 
 his mercy was to level the fortifications, and split up the 
 municipality into separate villages. In the case where a 
 modern victor would prohibit a dependent sovereign from 
 increasing his standing army beyond police requirements, 
 Ly Sander or Agesilaus would have thought it enough to 
 forbid the rebuilding of the ramparts. There is little in 
 ancient narrative more curious than the mixture, so in- 
 tensely Greek, of heroism with mendacity, whereby Themis- 
 tocles gained time to fortify Athens in the teeth of Spartan 
 jealousy and selfishness. And there is nothing more touch- 
 ing than the passage in which Xenophon relates how Conon 
 sailed straight from his victory off Cnidus to restore the 
 walls that had lain in ruins since the sad day when, undone 
 by her own ambition rather than by the prowess of the f oe> 
 after facing Greece in arms for a generation the imperial 
 city fell. To the completion of that design the townsmen 
 fondly looked for the return of her old supremacy and 
 ancestral renown by land and sea. They believed that they 
 should once more see their home such as they loved to 
 describe her in conventional, but not unmerited, epithets, — 
 " the bright, the violet-crowned, the enviable, the famed in 
 song." And no wonder ; for he who to-day peruses that 
 story, — though his patriotism is due elsewhere, and his more 
 enlightened ideas of right and wrong are shocked at every 
 
138 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 turn by the iniquity and cruelty displayed by Athens 
 during the period of her domination, — can hardly repress 
 a transient hope, in defiance of his acquaintance with what 
 is now history, that he is again to read of her as she was 
 under the rule of Pericles ; willing for the moment to forget 
 that, however deftly the architect might piece together the 
 scattered stones, no skill or industry could recall the valpur, 
 the energy, the simple hardihood which urged on the galleys 
 at Salamis, and cut its way through the stoctade at Mycale. 
 The loftiness of the walls, and the m.ultitude of the 
 garrison, consisting, as it did, of every able-bodied male in 
 the population, effectually ensured a Grreek city from capture 
 by escalade. Besides, it was abundantly proved by the 
 experience of the Civil War in America to what an extent 
 militia inside a work fight better than militia in the field. 
 Nor was it easy for the assailants to proceed by the more 
 tardy method of blockade, which would have necessitated 
 the retention under arms for months together of men who, 
 after the first few days of soldiering, began to fret at being 
 kept from their barns and workshops. In the case of a 
 small town that had made itself exceptionally obnoxious 
 the besiegers sometimes had resort to the plan of running 
 a counter-wall round the entire circuit of the fortifications, 
 which could be readily guarded by successive detachments 
 of themselves and their allies until the place was reduced 
 by famine. Athens, indeed, was enabled by her opulence 
 to keep on foot considerable bodies of troops during pro- 
 tracted and distant campaigns. Throughout the siege of 
 Potidsea her heavy-armed infantry at no time fell below a 
 force of three thousand shields, every man receiving pay 
 at the rate of twenty pence a-day. She spent in all half 
 a million of money upon this operation, which closely re- 
 sembled the siege of Sebastopol in duration, locality, and 
 climate ; and surpassed it in the misery undergone by the 
 invading army. 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 139 
 
 In the ranks of that army marched a pikeman con- 
 spicuous for courage and eccentricity, with whose descrip- 
 tion Alcibiades amused a circle of guests over the wine of 
 Agathon the tragic poet, — having already taken a good 
 deal too much of somebody else's. "Tou must know," 
 said he, " that Socrates and I served together at Potidsea, 
 and belonged to the same mess. And there, whenever, as 
 is so often the case on active service, we ran short of pro- 
 visions, no one came near him in the power of enduring 
 privation. On the other hand, when we had plenty to eat 
 and drink, he showed a rare capacity for enjoyment ; and, 
 though he did not care for wine, if put to it he could sit 
 out the whole table; and yet no living man ever saw 
 Socrates the worse for liquor : both of which facts the pre- 
 sent company are likely to find out in the course of the 
 evening. And during the depth of the winter (and a 
 winter in those parts is no trifle), when all who were off 
 duty kept close at home, and the men on guard turned 
 out in the most extraordinary panoply of wrappers, with 
 their feet stufEed into sheepskins and rolls of felt, this 
 wonderful person went abroad in that old cloak we all 
 know by heart, and trudged barefoot through the ice and 
 snow more freely than his comrades who had taken such 
 precautions against the cold. 
 
 " And I remember well that one morning early, as he 
 was going about his business, an idea struck him, and he 
 stood still to examine it. And, when it did not resolve 
 itself to his satisfaction, he wotdd not give it up, but re- 
 mained standing until noon came, and people began to 
 notice him and to say among themselves : ' Socrates has 
 been standing there since morning, thinking something 
 out.' Eventually a party of lonians, after their dinner, 
 finding the weather sultry, brought out some bedding and 
 lay down in the open air ; keeping an eye on him mean- 
 while, to see whether he would stand there all night. 
 
140 A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 And they were not disappointed, for he never stirred till 
 daylight, when he saluted the rising sun, and went his 
 way. 
 
 " Then, too, you ought to have witnessed his behaviour 
 on the occasion when the army was escaping from the rout 
 of Delium ; where I was present in the cavalry, and he in 
 the line of spears. When our people broke and ran he 
 walked away with Laches. And I fell in with them, and 
 bade him keep his heart up, as I would not desert him. 
 Now, as I was in comparative safety on the back of my 
 horse, I could watch the pair at my leisure : and there could 
 be no doubt which was the more cool and collected. For 
 Socrates marched along, as if he were crossing the market- 
 place at home, with his nose cocked up and his eyes busy 
 to the right and left, just as you, Aristophanes, described 
 him in your burlesque, quietly scanning the stream of 
 friends and enemies as it poured by with an air which most 
 unmistakeably proclaimed to all in the neighbourhood that 
 whoever meddled with him would have cause to regret it. 
 And so he brought himself and his companion safe off the 
 field ; for, when a man carries himself in that fas&io;n, the 
 pursuers generally keep their distance, and prefer to go 
 after those who are flying helter-skelter." 
 
 As a Greek general had seldom the force to storm a city, 
 or the time to starve it out, he for the most part confined 
 himself to two modes of warfare. He would enter the 
 hostile borders, and select some mountain village planted 
 amidst a network of gorges and torrents, or some sheer 
 rock standing out like an island from the surrounding 
 plain, and occupy it with a party of light troops, horse 
 and foot, under the orders of an active and adroit leader. 
 Or perhaps he would hunt up the evicted inhabitants of 
 some town which had perished by the act of the people 
 whom he was engaged in annoying, and plant them down 
 bodily in the territory of their former persecutors. Among 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 141 
 
 all the calamities of war none came so vividly home to a 
 Greek as the presence of a marauding garrison within his 
 own confines. In national pride he equalled the Spaniard, 
 whose first waking thought is said to be that the English- 
 man is in G-ihraltar. And apart from the disgrace, — apart 
 from the bitter consciousness that tributary populations 
 would not long submit to the ascendancy of a state which 
 could not keep the enemy off its own soil, — there were the 
 daily losses by excursions of the foragers into the adjacent 
 country ; the expense and trouble of feeding the army of 
 observation which watched the approaches, and maintaining 
 doubled and trebled guards along the city walls ; the sleep- 
 lessness ; the worry ; the bad food ; the bivouacs in the 
 snow ; the wear and tear of horsehoof s amidst the ravines 
 where the fighting lay; the nightly disappearance of 
 slaves, the smartest and most valuable of whom were 
 always the first to be aware that they had an asylum close 
 at hand. During the Peloponnesian War upwards of 
 twenty thousand runaways emancipated themselves by 
 taking refuge in the Spartan outpost of Decelea; and, 
 owing to the increased exigencies of the war both in town 
 and country, Athens, to quote the words of Thucydides, 
 was brought from the condition of a city to that of a 
 military station. 
 
 Or in the late spring, when the crops were still in the 
 ground, the belligerent who was the stronger or the more 
 enterprising would summon all his allies to some convenient 
 rendezvous, and repair thither himself with every available 
 man equipped and provisioned for a campaign of from ten 
 to thirty days. And then he would crossjthe frontier, and 
 pour forth a deluge of spoilers over the domain of his un- 
 fortunate rival. Meanwhile, in expectation of the coming 
 storm, the entire rural population of the invaded country 
 would have betaken itself to its strongholds. If the com- 
 batant who was inferior on land had command of the sea, 
 
142 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 the cattle would have been ferried across to the nearest 
 friendly islands; while the agricultural implements, the 
 jars of wine, the family gods, the furniture, and even the 
 fixtures of the homesteads, would have been packed into 
 carts and transported within the] walls of the capital. 
 Unless the farmer was lucky enough to possess a town 
 residence he made shift to live in a temple or an outhouse, 
 or even to encamp gipsy-fashion along the inside of the 
 rampart. 
 
 It is easy to conceive the distress of the half -fed and 
 badly sheltered multitude during these most unwelcome 
 annual gatherings. May and June in the Levant are at 
 best trying months, and must indeed have been intolerable 
 in the over-crowded bylanes of a beleaguered town; es- 
 pecially if the engineers of the aggressor succeeded in 
 diverting the supply of water. Grecian cities, never very 
 rich in sanitary appliances, were under these circumstances 
 peculiarly susceptible to the inroads of disease : and it was 
 in such a plight that Athens first harboured the fearful 
 epidemic immortalized by Thucydides in the simple and 
 striking narrative of an eye-witness and a sufferer, which 
 has afforded matter for imitation in many languages and 
 metres. The impatience of the people inside, tormented 
 by drought and discomfort, and goaded to desperation by 
 the scenes of rapine and wanton destruction which were 
 enacting beneath their very eyes, would inevitably break 
 forth in a cry for instant combat. Forgetting that they 
 had surrendered their land to depredation because, at a 
 time when their judgment could be better trusted, they 
 had deliberately come to the conclusion that the enemy 
 were too much for them in the field, they would assail the 
 authorities with passionate demands for permission to 
 strike a blow in defence of their hearths and holdings. At 
 such a crisis a conscientious prime minister or commander- 
 in-chief had indeed a thankless office : and the more so, 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 143 
 
 should tlie invaders have Ibeen careful to aggravate his 
 difficulties by ostentatiously excepting his property from 
 the general spoliation, and thereby attaching to him a 
 suspicion of treachery and collusion. If the leading man 
 had the character required to withstand, and the influence 
 to restrain, his more impulsi-«e countrymen (a service 
 which they whom he benefited seldom forgave or forgot), 
 the enemy after a time would grow tired of plundering 
 other people's crops, and, gorged with booty, would march 
 home to gather in their own. 
 
 But things did not always end so peaceably. Unless a 
 recent defeat had cooled the temper of the weaker party 
 the third or fourth day of a foray often witnessed the forces 
 of the two cities drawn out face to face. Tree from the 
 smoke of a modern engagement, and the fog and drizzle 
 of a suburban British review, an Hellenic battle must have 
 been a gallant sight. In purple tunics and burnished 
 armour the men stood ten, fifteen, and twenty deep beneath 
 a glittering forest of spear-heads. Those who were well- 
 to-do had no lack of gold about their greaves and breast- 
 plates, and were dandified in plumes and sword-belts ; 
 while even the poorest citizen wore a helmet fashioned by 
 the exquisite taste of a G-reek artificer. It must have been 
 a trial for the nerves of the bravest to stand biting his 
 moustache ; humming a bar of the Psean which he was to 
 sing withia the next quarter of an hour ; wonderiag whether 
 his widow would marry again ; hoping that the cobbler on 
 his right might not turn tail, or the teacher of gymnastics 
 on his left shove him out of the line ; dimly conscious 
 meanwhile that his colonel was exhorting him in a series 
 of well-turned periods to bethink himself of the tomb 
 which covered those who died in Thermopylae, and the 
 trophy which stood on the beach at Artemisium. And 
 then the signal trumpet sounded; and the music struck 
 up ; and the whole array moved forward, steadily at first. 
 
144 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 but breaking into a run when only a few hundred yards 
 separated the approaching lines. And, as the distance 
 between grew shorter, and the tramp of the enemy mingled 
 with their own, the front-rank men had just time to try 
 and imagine that the countenances of the people opposite 
 looked like flinching and that the notes of their war-chant 
 had begun to falter, and the next second there would be a 
 crash of pikes, and a grating of bucklers, and a clutching 
 of beards ; and those who would fain be home again were 
 pushed on by the mass behind, excited at hearing others 
 fighting, and with no steel at his own throat ; and, after five 
 minutes of thrusting, and shouting, and fierce straining 
 of foot and knee and shoulder, the less determined, or the 
 worst disciplined of the two hosts would learn, by one 
 more cruel experience, the old lesson that life as well as 
 honour is for those who retain their self-respect and their 
 shields. 
 
 Komantic as were the incidents of a pitched battle on 
 land, the accompaniments of an ancient sea-fight appear 
 still more diverting to an English reader ; for a naval action 
 consisted ir"i driving one against another ships almost as 
 slender in proportion to the number of people whom they 
 carried as the racing-boats built by Messrs. Searle of 
 Oxford. Athens, in her day of greatness, far surpassed all 
 other powers in this branch of warfare. Her valiant and 
 noble bearing during the Persian affairs in the first quarter 
 of the fifth century before Christ, as contrasted with the 
 underhand self-seeking policy of Sparta, gained her the 
 general confidence and esteem, and laid the foundations of 
 her empire, which ere long comprehended most of the islands 
 and maritime cities of the Grecian world. Honourably 
 won, her supremacy was upheld and extended by far more 
 questionable procedures, and soon degenerated into an 
 execrable tyranny. She converted the contingent of galleys 
 due to the national fieet from each of those whom she was 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 145 
 
 still pleased to call her allies into a contribution of money, 
 and ia so far contrived to lessen the number of states which 
 kept on foot a war -navy ; while with the funds thus obtained 
 she put on the stocks annually from twenty to thirty keels 
 — a supply which enabled her to maintain an average of 
 three hundred ships laid up in ordinary. This department 
 was managed with true republican economy. Mr. Seely's 
 mouth may well water when he reads that the cash balance 
 in the hands of the Chief Constructor of the Athenian 
 Admiralty fell short of seven hundred pounds. The galleys 
 were called by every pretty female name whose etymology 
 contained an allusion to the sea ; and, when the list of 
 Nausicaas and Nauphantes had been exhausted, recourse 
 was had to the abstract qualities, " Health," " Toresight," 
 and the ,hke ; or to words of happy omen, such as " The 
 Fair Voyage," " The Sovereign," and " The Saviour of the 
 State." The Romans, who took to the water on compul- 
 sion, and never could be brought to understand how any- 
 body should prefer to fight on a deck who could get a bit 
 of firm and dry turf, thought masculine appellations quite 
 good enough for vessels which they loved one less than 
 another. 
 
 The imperial city prudently monopolized nautical skill 
 by taking care that her petty officers, whose excellence was 
 acknowledged by her rivals with despair and envy, should 
 be one and all of pure Attic blood. There was the master, 
 who superintended the sailing of the vessel when the wind 
 allowed the canvas to be spread ; the boatswain, who in- 
 structed the rowers, gave them the time with his flute, 
 and picked out men with straight backs and strong loins 
 to handle the heavy sweeps of the upper tier; and the 
 steersman, whose aim it was to avoid the direct shock of 
 the enemy's beak, and by a dexterous mancBUvre to strike 
 her amidships or astern, sweep away a bank of oars, break 
 her rudder, or perhaps sink her outright with all hands on 
 
148 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 poimesian freebooters : a sure method of anticipating sum- 
 marily the objections of the international jurists on the 
 other side, who indeed had against them an awkward 
 precedent in the case of the heralds of Darius, whom sixty 
 years ^back the Lacedaemonian authorities had disposed 
 of in a manner precisely similar, even to the smallest 
 details. 
 
 Under such a state of things it may well be believed that 
 there were many disagreeable breaks m the round of duties . 
 and pleasures which composed the ordinary life of a Greek 
 citizen. It must have been sad news for a rural proprietor, 
 just as the corn was ripening to his mind, and his lambs 
 had got well through the perils of the cold weather, and the 
 fruit was sufficiently forward to allow of a fair guess at the 
 yield of figs and pomegranates, to hear that Spartan cavalry 
 had been seen cutting grass within a league of the frontier. 
 It must have cost him a pang to abandon his cheerful and 
 wholesome programme of country pursuits ; — the morning 
 inspection of the blood-colt which was to do somethiug at 
 the next Isthmian but one ; — the evening gossip over negus 
 and chestnuts about the latest news from Sicily, and the 
 best receipt for pickling olives ; — the fresh air ; — the early 
 nights ; — the presidency of the local games ; — the obser- 
 vance and affection of his neighbours ; — the presence and 
 favour of the paternal deities, whom he had but last year 
 propitiated with a new bronze hearth, and a pair of 
 statuettes from the hand of Phidias's foreman. To ex- 
 change all this for a sojourn iu the hot and dreary city ; — 
 where bread, and vinegar, and charcoal, and aU that his 
 farm gave him for the taking, had to be bought at war- 
 prices ;^where the first year he lodged about among his 
 old schoolfellows, and the second boarded with the agent 
 who in more prosperous days had disposed of his wine and 
 oil, until, as time went on, and peace seemed more remote 
 than ever, he had outstayed his welcome in every quarter, 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 149 
 
 and was fain to squat beneatli a turret on the battlement, 
 beguiling his involuntary idleness by speculating whether 
 the pillagers would think it worth their trouble to cut 
 down the rest of his orchard, and whether the slave whom 
 he had left in charge was likely to keep dark about the 
 pear-tree under which his plate was buried. 
 
 Nor was the Athenian who habitually resided in town 
 without cares and trials of his own. Some winter evening, 
 perhaps, as he was hurrying out to a dinner-party, curled, 
 and oUed, and in his best tunic, — conning over the riddles 
 and the impromptu puns wherewith he intended to astonish 
 the company, — he would see a crowd gathered round some 
 biUs posted on a statue at a street-corner: and then he 
 would turn to the slave who trotted behind him with his 
 napkin, and spoon, and box of scents, and send the boy off 
 to learn what the matter was : and the young varlet would 
 return with a grin on his face to say that the Theban 
 foragers were abroad, and that the generals had put up a 
 notice designating the burghers who were to turn out and 
 watch the passes, and that his master's name stood third 
 upon the list. And the poor fellow would send off an 
 excuse to his host, and run home to fill his knapsack with 
 bread, and onions, and dried fish ; and his wife would stuff 
 wool under his cuirass to keep the cold from his bones ; 
 and then he would go, ankle-deep in slush, forth into the 
 misty night, — lucky if his rear-rank man were not some 
 irrepressible metaphysician who would entertain him during 
 the march out with a disquisition on the Pre-existence of 
 the Soul, or the difference between Sense and Sensation. 
 
 And it might be that some fine morning, — or, what was 
 worse, on some morning that was anything but fine, — he 
 would find himself in the thick of a naval fight off some 
 reef notorious for shipwrecks. There he would sit on his 
 leather pad, sea-sick, sore, and terrified ; the blade of his 
 oar hitting now against a shattered spar, and now across a 
 
148 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 ponnesian freebooters : a sure method of anticipating sum- 
 marily the objections of the international jurists on the 
 other side, who indeed had against them an awkward 
 precedent in the case of the heralds of Darius, whom sixty 
 years ^back the Lacedsemonian authorities had disposed 
 of in a manner precisely similar, even to the smallest 
 details. 
 
 Under such a state of things it may well be believed that 
 there were many disagreeable breaks in the round of duties 
 and pleasures which composed the ordinary life of a Greek 
 citizen. It must have been sad news for a rural proprietor, 
 just as the corn was ripening to his mind, and his lambs 
 had got well through the perils of the cold weather, and the 
 fruit was sufficiently forward to allow of a fair guess at the 
 yield of figs and pomegranates, to hear that Spartan cavalry 
 had been seen cutting grass within a league of the frontier. 
 It must have cost him a pang to abandon his cheerful and 
 wholesome programme of country pursuits ; — the morning 
 inspection of the blood-eolt which was to do something at 
 the next Isthmian but one ; — the evening gossip over negus 
 and chestnuts about the latest news from Sicily, and the 
 best receipt for pickling olives ; — ^the fresh air ; — the early 
 nights ; — the presidency of the local games ; — the obser- 
 vance and affection of his neighbours ; — the presence and 
 favour of the paternal deities, whom he had but last year 
 propitiated with a new bronze hearth, and a pair of 
 statuettes from the hand of Phidias's foreman. To ex- 
 change all this for a sojourn in the hot and dreary city ; — 
 where bread, and vinegar, and charcoal, and all that his 
 farm gave him for the taking, had to be bought at war- 
 prices ;-^where the first year he lodged about among his 
 old schoolfellows, and the second boarded with the agent 
 who in more prosperous days had disposed of his wine and 
 oil, until, as time went on, and peace seemed more remote 
 than ever, he had outstayed his welcome in every quarter. 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 149 
 
 and was fain to sqnat beneatli a turret on the battlement, 
 beguiling his iQToluntary idleness by speculating whether 
 the pillagers would think it worth their trouble to cut 
 down the rest of his orchard, and whether the slave whom 
 he had left in charge was likely to keep dark about the 
 pear-tree under which his plate was buried. 
 
 Nor was the Athenian who habitually resided in town 
 without cares and trials of his own. Some winter evening, 
 perhaps, as he was hurrying out to a dinner-party, curled, 
 and oUed, and ia his best tunic, — conning over the riddles 
 and the impromptu puns wherewith he intended to astonish 
 the company, — he would see a crowd gathered round some 
 biUs posted on a statue at a street-corner: and then he 
 would turn to the slave who trotted behind him with his 
 napkin, and spoon, and box of scents, and send the boy off 
 to learn what the matter was : and the young varlet would 
 return with a grin on his face to say that the Theban 
 foragers were ahroad, and that the generals had put up a 
 notice designating the burghers who were to turn out and 
 watch the passes, and that his master's name stood third 
 upon the list. And the poor fellow would send off an 
 excuse to his host, and run home to fill his knapsack with 
 bread, and onions, and dried fish ; and his wife would stuff 
 wool under his cuirass to keep the cold from his bones ; 
 and then he would go, ankle-deep in slush, forth into the 
 misty night, — lucky if his rear-rank man were not some 
 irrepressible metaphysician who would entertain him during 
 the march out with a disquisition on the Pre-existence of 
 the Soul, or the difference between Sense and Sensation. 
 
 And it might be that some fine morniag, — or, what was 
 worse, on some morning that was anything but fine, — he 
 would find himself in the thick of a naval fight off some 
 reef notorious for shipwrecks. There he would sit on his 
 leather pad, sea-sick, sore, and terrified ; the blade of his 
 oar hitting now agaiast a shattered spar, and now across a 
 
150 -i HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 floating corpse, as he vainly tried to put on an effective 
 spurt ; tlie man in front of him catching a crab, and the 
 man behind him hitting him in the small of the back at 
 every stroke; the boatswain's flute out of tune, and the 
 whole crew out of time ; his attention distracted by ob- 
 serving a hostile galley dashing through the surge with her 
 beak exactly opposite the beach on which he was posted. 
 
 Aristophanes has a charming passage contrasting the 
 comforts of peace with the hardships of war. I" I am glad," 
 says the farmer, " I am glad to be rid of helmets, and 
 rations of garlic and musty cheese: for I do not love 
 battles : but I do love to sit over the fire, drinking with 
 hearty comrades, and burning the driest of the logs, and 
 toasting chick-pease, and setting beech-nuts among the 
 embers, and kissing the Thracian housemaid while my wife 
 is washing herself in the scullery. 
 
 " For, when we have got the seed into the ground, and 
 the gods have been pleased to send us a timely rain, nothing 
 is so delightful as to hear a neighbour say : ' Well, Comar- 
 chides, what do you propose to do next ? I am for sitting 
 indoors and drinking, while the gods do their duty by the 
 land. So come, wife, toast us three quarts of kidney-beans, 
 and pick out the best of the figs, and let the Syrian wench 
 call in the farm- servants : as this is not weather for dressing 
 the vines, or grubbing in the mud, while the soil is all 
 soaking wet. And let some one fetch me out the thrush 
 and the two finches : and there ought to be a black-pudding 
 in the larder, and four pieces of jugged hare : (unless in- 
 deed the cat has made off with them, for I heard her at 
 some mischief last evening :) so let the foot-boy bring us 
 three, and give the fourth to his father. And send to ask 
 ^schinades to let us have some myrtle-boughs : and the 
 messenger on his way had best look in upon Charinades, 
 and see if he will come and drink with us, in honour of the 
 rain with which the gods have blessed our crops.' 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 151 
 
 "And, at the time of year when the grasshopper is 
 chirping his welcome tune, I dearly love to watch my new 
 Lemnian vines, and notice whether they are as forward as 
 they should be : for I am told they are an early sort. And 
 I like to see the wild fig swelling daily ; and, the moment 
 it is ripe, I put it to my mouth, and eat it, and say, ' Bless 
 the dear Seasons ! ' And that is the way I grow plump 
 and sleek in the summer, and not by staring at a great god- 
 forsaken brigadier-general, with three bunches of feathers 
 and a flaring red cloak, who is always the first to run away 
 when it comes to real fighting." 
 
 Had I the choice of time and place wherein to spend the 
 term of existence, considerations of religion and morality 
 apart, I would without hesitation prefer to be an Athenian 
 in the age of Pericles ; for such a man led a life the plan of 
 which was exquisitely tempered with good sense, refinement, 
 and simplicity. He knew nothing of the passions that 
 agitate the modem votary of fashion, who is for ever jostling 
 amidst an endless throng of competitors towards a common 
 centre. He resided among the friends of his childhood ; 
 among people who had watched him, his virtues, and his 
 foibles, from his youth up. He had none of our temptations 
 towards assumption, insolence, and extravagance. It was 
 idle to attempt to impose upon folks who knew his income 
 to a drachma. If he aspired to cut a dash by setting up a 
 second chariot, or treating his guests to Chian wine grown 
 in the year of the earthquake, he was aware that all his 
 father's cronies were shaking their heads, and wondering 
 how long Aristippus, the son of Pasias, would take about 
 going to the crows (for these ill-omened birds answered to 
 what are called the dogs in English metaphorical natural 
 history). If he happened to be short-sighted when an old 
 schoolfellow passed him in the street, he was aware that, at 
 aU the dinner-tables ©f the evening, men would be wondering 
 how the grand-nephew of Ctesippus the process-server could 
 
152 -^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 venture to give himself such high and mighty airs. If he 
 felt any aspiration towards a political career, he would 
 think twice when he saw on the front bench of his audience 
 those very contemporaries on whose backs, a few years be- 
 fore, he had been hoisted three times a week to be flogged 
 for his mistakes in grammar and arithmetic. And so it was' 
 that society then had a less constrained and artificial aspect 
 than it has ever worn in times past. Men talked for 
 amusement and instruction, rather than for display. They 
 lived with those whom they liked, not with those whom 
 they feared. Their festivities and social gatherings were 
 not special and extraordinary occasions, but formed an 
 integral part of their everyday existence. They did not 
 dine am hour and a-half later than was pleasant, and sit 
 up five hours later than was wholesome. They did not 
 suffer themselves to be hustled upstairs by the ladies of 
 their family a little before midnight to dress for a ball 
 where they would have no space to dance. They did not 
 get together to settle the affairs of the nation in a badly- 
 ventilated senate-house at an hour when all honest men 
 should be in bed, — at at an hour when, if we are to believe 
 certain cynics, all honest men are in bed. 
 
 The Athenian rose early ; and, after performing a very 
 primitive toilette, repaired forthwith to the market-place, 
 to hear the news, to transact his business, and to make his 
 purchases for the day. If he purposed to entertain his 
 friends in the evening, there was no time to be lost. By 
 seven in the morning the plumpest of the blackbirds, the 
 whitest of the celery, and the firmest of the great eejs from 
 the Theban stewponds would have been bought up ; and 
 he would be forced to content himself with a string of lean 
 thrushes, and a cuttle-fish whose freshness might be called 
 in question. Perhaps, while he was engaged in beating 
 down the purveyor, he might hear behind him a sudden 
 rush of people ; and, looking round, would see two Scythian 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 153 
 
 policemen sweepiag the square with a rope besmeared vrith 
 red chalk. Then he would know that a general assembly 
 was to be held for the dispatch of business, and would 
 hurry off to secure a good place. And there he would sit, 
 as an old Athenian describes himself, groaning, stretching, 
 yawning, scratchiag his head, jotting down notes, and wait- 
 ing for the appearance of the President and the committee 
 to open the meeting. And presently, after a sufficiently 
 long interval, the committee would come bustling in ; 
 treading on each other's toes, jostling for a good place, and 
 trying to look as if it was they who had been kept waiting 
 by the audience ; for human nature is materially the same, 
 whether on the platform of Exeter HaU, or round the 
 tribune of the Athenian assembly. And thereupon the crier 
 would proclaim : " "Who wishes to speak about the Spartan 
 treaty? " and the call would be for " Pericles " : and the 
 prime-minister would rise, with his right hand thrust into 
 his bosom, and something would be said which is still well 
 worth the reading. And, when public business was con- 
 cluded, after a light breakfast, our citizen would return to 
 his shop or his counting-house until the first hour after 
 noon ; and then he would saunter down to his favourite 
 gymnasium, and thence to his bath : for the old G-reek did 
 indeed regard his body as a sacred vessel, which he was 
 bound to keep clean, fair, and fit for use, and would as 
 soon have neglected his daily meal as his daily exercise. 
 
 Let us suppose, however, that our friend has sprained 
 his wrist at quoits, or cricked his back while wrestling, and 
 accordingly has determined to substitute an afternoon call 
 for his athletic exercises. On such a call let us take the 
 liberty to accompany him. Or rather let us, by the as- 
 sistance of Plato, foUow Socrates and his friend Hippocrates 
 to the house of CalUas, an Athenian person of quality, 
 much given to letters. The purpose of their visit was to 
 liave a look at three famous sophists from foreign parts. 
 
154 A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 Protagoras of ALdera, Hippias of Elis, and Prodicus of 
 Ceos. "Wten we had arrived -within the porch," says 
 Socrates, " we stopped there to finish off the discussion of 
 a question which had cropped up in the course of our walk. 
 And I suppose that the porter heard us talking away out- 
 side the threshold : which was unfortunate ; as he was 
 already in a bad temper on account of the number of 
 sophists who were about the premises. So when we 
 knocked, he opened the door, and directly he saw us he 
 cried; 'More sophists! eh! Master's not at home,' and 
 slammed the door to. We, however, persevered, and beat 
 the panels vigorously with both hands : upon which he 
 bawled through the keyhole : ' I tell you, master's not at 
 home.' ' But, my good fellow,' said I, ' we don't want your 
 master, and we do not happen to be sophists. We have 
 come to see Protagoras : so just send in our names.' And 
 then he grumbled a good deal, and let us in. 
 
 " And, when we were inside, we found Callias and his 
 friends walking about in the corridor, seven a-breast, with 
 Protagoras in the middle. And behind them came a crowd 
 of his disciples, chiefly foreigners, whom the great man 
 drags about in his train from city to city, listening with 
 all their ears to whatever was said. And what amused me 
 most was to observe how carefully these people avoided 
 getting in the way of their master ; for, whenever he and 
 the rest of the vanguard came to the end and turned round, 
 his followers parted to right and left, let him pass through, 
 and then wheeled about, and fell into the rear with ad- 
 mirable regularity and discretion. 
 
 "And after this I noticed Hippias sitting on a chair in 
 the opposite corridor: and around him were seated on 
 footstools Eryximachus, and Phsednis, and a group of 
 citizens and strangers. And they appeared to be putting 
 questions to Hippias concerning natural science, and the 
 celestial bodies : and he, sitting on his chair, answered them 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 165 
 
 in turn, and cleared up their eeveral dif&culties. And 
 Prodicus was occupying a closet, whicli Callias ordinarily 
 uses as a still-room ; but, on this occasion, what with his 
 sophists and their disciples, he was so hard put to it for 
 space, that he had turned out all his stores, and made it 
 into a bed-chamber. So Prodicus was lying there, rolled 
 up in an immense number of blankets and counterpanes ; 
 while his hearers had panted themselves on the neighbour- 
 ing beds. But, without going in, I could not catch the 
 subject of their conversation, though I was very anxious to 
 hear what was said (for I consider Prodicus a wonderfully 
 wise personage), because his voice was so deep that the 
 closet seemed fuU of an indistinct noise, something between 
 humming and buzzing." 
 
 In such a picture there is something mighty refreshing to 
 a denizen of that metropolis where a rout which commences 
 at a quarter to twelve, and embraces a tithe of the Upper 
 Ten Thousand, is conventionally described on the cards of 
 invitation by the epithets " small and early." Such refined 
 simplicity, such homely culture, such easy vigour of intellect, 
 and such familiar play of fancy, have been found nowhere 
 since : for they can exist only in a community that at the 
 same time enjoys a large amount of leisure and of vitality : 
 in such a community as Athens, which was in truth an 
 oligarchy, broad enough to present the symptoms of a de- 
 mocracy, based upon a system of servile labour. The 
 number of the slaves was enormous. In Athens, Corinth, 
 and M^nm,, they were to the free householders in the pro- 
 portion of twenty to one. Por the most part they were 
 employed as hinds on their master's estates, or artisans 
 working for their master's benefit. A skilled mechanic 
 might be bought for an average price of sixteen pounds ; 
 and the net proceeds of his labour ensured his proprietor 
 some thirty per cent, on the purchase-money. The father 
 of Demosthenes made a hundred and twenty pounds a-year 
 
156 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 j 
 by his thirty-two sword-cntters, and fifty pounds a-year by 
 a score of slaves in the pay of an upholsterer. Large sums 
 were given for accomplishments and personal attractions, 
 and yet larger for honesty and high character. A flute-girl 
 with a pretty face and a good ear would fetch a hundred 
 pounds in any market ; but the highest price on record was 
 given, by the very Calhas whose acquaintance we made 
 above, for a trustworthy man to act as a viewer in his 
 mines. The rank and file, however, of the miners were the 
 least esteemed, and the worst treated, amongst the slave 
 population. They wrought in chained gangs, and died fast 
 from the effects of the unwholesome atmosphere. The 
 domestic servants were tolerably well off, and by many 
 households were regarded in the light of pets. The first 
 comic man of the G-reek stage was generally some impu- 
 dent, pilfering jackanapes of a Thracian slave ; who came 
 on rubbing his back and howling out of all proportion to 
 the severity of a well-merited castigation; making jokes 
 that read more decently in their native Attic than in a 
 translation of modern Billingsgate ; and singing snatches 
 of airs which, in their popularity and their servile origin, 
 answered to the Ethiopian melodies of our day. 
 
 But there was another and a very different class of 
 bondsmen. Ever and anon during time of war, bleeding 
 from recent wounds, and smeared with the dust and sweat 
 of the lost battle, there filed through the streets of the 
 victorious town long strings of downcast captives, who, the 
 day before, had been flourishing merchants, famous lawyers, 
 masters of science, of arts, and of letters. It was not 
 probable that such men would forget, amidst the petty 
 treats and indulgences of a menial life, the time when they 
 were free citizens and happy fathers of families. Their 
 disaffection and discontent formed a perennial source of 
 weakness and danger to the republic. Tear begat hatred, 
 and hatred cruelty. Measures of precaution grew into 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 157 
 
 measures of repression : and repression soon became another 
 word for Tfliolesale slaughter. In Lacedsemon the govern- 
 ment sanctioned a policy of extermination, on the ground 
 that the Helots were in a chronic state of insurrection. 
 Thucydides tells us how the Spartan authorities, during the 
 agony of their great struggle against the supremacy of 
 Athens, were driven to arm their serfs, and employ them 
 on military duties : how two thousand of the stoutest and 
 the most courageous among their number were publicly 
 emancipated with every mark of honour ; and how, before 
 the triumphal garlands had withered on their brows, every 
 man of the two thousand had disappeared from the face of 
 the land, and was never again seen, alive or dead. And, in 
 the frequent recurrence of panic, the magistrates would 
 choose out the most active and fierce of the young citizens, 
 and send them forth in various directions, provided with 
 daggers and wallets of food. To and fro they ranged, these 
 bloodhounds of a ruthless tyranny, and slew all the Helots 
 of sulky and dissatisfied appearance whom they met riding 
 about the country, and all who happened, in Spartan opin- 
 ion, to look as if they would take pleasure in cutting Spartan 
 throats. This duty was considered so painful and de- 
 grading, that it obtained the title of the " crypteia," or 
 " secret service " ; and the names of those to whom it was 
 entrusted were carefully concealed. Gallant soldiers as they 
 were, they cared not to blazon forth the fact that they had 
 been forced to stoop to the office of executioners. Gentle- 
 men to the heart's core, they did not comment in their 
 dispatches upon the physiognomy of the wretches whom 
 the orders of their superiors required them to destroy. 
 
 Hellenic warfare, whether foreign or domestic, might 
 have lost something of its barbarity, if Hellenic society had 
 been more generally pervaded by the milder tendencies of 
 female influence. But, unfortunately, the free married 
 women held a most degraded and insignificant position. 
 
158 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 The mistress of a family neither dined out with her husband, 
 nor was present at the table when l^he receiTed his guests. 
 Education and accomplishments were confined entirely to 
 ladies of quite another description. Those well-renowned 
 dames of Corinth, Athens, and Miletus, who, like Aspasia, 
 possessed the talents which qualified them to hold a salon, 
 belonged to a class which has long ceased to exercise any 
 ostensible sway over modern politics, though it might with 
 advantage engage somewhat less the attention of modem 
 journalism. The same condition of society may be met 
 with in Bengal, where native gentlemen, disgusted by the 
 frivolous and illiterate gossip of their zenanas, are driven 
 to seek intellectual sympathy in the company of clever and 
 cultivated nautch-girls. 
 
 The Spartan girls were brought up amidst the manifold 
 hardships and the severe discipline enjoined by their national 
 lawgiver, whose object it was that in courage and bodily 
 strength the woman should be to the man as the lioness to 
 the lion. And so it came about that in Lacedsemon the 
 softer — or rather the less rugged — sex was treated with 
 a consideration that had very little in common with our 
 notion of chivalry : and which resembled not so much the 
 feelings of the Earl of Surrey towards the fair Geraldine as 
 the respect with which poor Tom Sayers may be supposed 
 to have regarded Nat Langham or the Benicia Boy. With 
 this single exception the Hellenic matrons were incredibly 
 debased in morals, habits, and understanding. I blush — 
 across a score of intervening centuries I blush — to have 
 written such ungallant words ; but a single sentence may 
 surely be forgiven when we recollect that, year after year, 
 an Attic audience witnessed with glee and approbation their 
 wives and daughters exposed to public derision and con- 
 tempt. Three of the wittiest among the extravaganzas of 
 Aristophanes are devoted to the faults and follies of his 
 countrywomen, whom he was never weary of representing 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 159 
 
 as drunken, lazy, gluttonous, silly, sly, infinitely coarse in 
 ideas and in conversation. And, hard as the comedians 
 were on them, the ladies did not come off much better in 
 the other branches of literature. The two most eminent 
 philosophers of Greece both came to the conclusion that 
 the whole duty of woman was to obey her husband. The 
 popular tragic writer was of opinion that it would be an 
 excellent thing for mankind if babies could be bom without 
 the intervention of a mother ; and the mass of his com- 
 patriots showed pretty clearly the relative estimation wherein 
 they held the sexes by speaking instinctively, not of " wife 
 and children," but of " children and wife." Witness the 
 conduct of Socrates in the supreme hour of his life. When 
 his friends entered the prison, in the morning whereon he 
 had been appointed to die, they found him just out of his 
 bath, and his wife seated by him with a child on her lap. 
 " And then," to quote the narrative left us by one of their 
 number, " as soon as she caught sight of us she broke out 
 into the exclamations which women use on such occasions, 
 as, ' O Socrates, this is the last time these gentlemen will 
 ever again talk to you, or you to them.' And he motioned 
 to Crito, and said, — ' Crito, my friend, see that some one 
 takes this poor thing home.' So Crito's people led her ofE 
 bursting with grief ; and Socrates, sitting up on the bed, 
 bent his leg towards him, and rubbed it with his hand 
 where it had been galled by the fetter, and said : ' What a 
 singular thing, my dear dear friends, is that which men 
 name Pleasure! What- a wonderful relation it bears 
 towards the sensation which is apparently its opposite ! ' " 
 And so he went his way out of the world, conversing on 
 matters of far deeper import, in the judgment of those 
 present, than the love or the despair of a woman. 
 
 One striking efEect of a limited national existence was 
 the intense love of country which was engendered in the 
 G reek mind. The calm, philosophical patriotism of the in- 
 
160 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 dividual member of a vast European people was faint 
 indeed compared with, the flame which glowed in the 
 bosom of an Argive or a Corinthian. Those men loved 
 their country because their happiness, their comfort, their 
 very existence was bound up in her well-being. An in- 
 habitant of the British Isles for the most part feels the mis- 
 fortunes and the prosperity of Great Britain only through 
 his pocket. He knows that his nation is at war with 
 Burmah or China merely by an increase of one per cent. 
 in the income-tax, or a fall of two per cent, in the consols. 
 If he is curious after such sights, he may perhaps get a 
 look at a captured banner, or at the fireworks which com- 
 memorate an honourable peace. If he be of a speculative 
 turn, he may amuse himself with doubting whether the 
 Tower-guns are firing in honour of a victory, or the birth- 
 day of one of the younger princesses. But an old G-reek 
 knew by very different signs that his country was in danger. 
 Blazing corn-ricks, and smoking villages, and the clouds of 
 dust that marked the track of the hostile cavalry — such 
 were^the Eeuter's telegrams which told him that the invader 
 was abroad. To this hour it is impossible to read without 
 emotion the great comedian's account — half pathetic, half 
 ludicrous — of the sufferings endured by the Athenian farmer 
 in time of war : how, after the incursion was over, the poor 
 fellow would go back to his holding, and find the olive-trees 
 hewed down, and the vines burnt, and the wine-casks started 
 into the oil vat, and the pigs with their throats cut, and the 
 well choked with rubbish, and a big stone jammed into the 
 works of the trough were he mixed his dough. It is not 
 difficult to imagine the feelings of the honest man the next 
 time he found himself face to face with the people who had 
 done him such a mischief : the eagerness with which he 
 would await the signal of battle ; the zest with which he 
 would charge home when the trumpet blew ; and the very 
 poor chance a Spartan or Theban would run whose life 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 161 
 
 depended on. his forbearance. Victory, to an old Greek, 
 meant personal security, wealth of captives and booty, and 
 a fat slice of the conquered territory. Defeat meant ruin 
 and shame : it meant the burning of his roof -tree, and the 
 slaughter of his cattle, and the running away of his slaves, 
 and the selling of his pet daughter to grace the harem of 
 a Persian satrap. No wonder that he was a patriot in a 
 sense that an inhabitant of London or Paris would be at 
 some loss to appreciate. 
 
 And so it befell that, when the hour of trial came, these 
 men gave an example of courage and self-devotion, the 
 memory of which will never perish. Two several times 
 Grecian civiUzation, which contained the germs of all sub- 
 sequent European culture and progress, was within a hair's 
 breadth of being swept away by the flood of Oriental 
 barbarism. On both occasions that flood was stayed by 
 the superhuman efforts of Grecian self-sacrifice. In the 
 year 490 before Christ an innumerable host of Persians 
 landed on Athenian soil: — Persians; who had found nothing 
 that could resist the terror of their name from the Indus to 
 the ^gean Sea. The crisis was awful. The states of 
 Greece stood aloof in fear and amazement. Sparta, by an 
 unworthy subterfuge, excused herself from coming to the 
 aid of Athens. But the threatened city was true to herself. 
 Her able-bodied sons turned out to a man, and marched 
 quietly forth to make appeal to the God of battles. Shop- 
 keepers and mechanics, artists, merchants, and farmers, 
 they took down their spears and shields, pocketed their 
 biscuit and salt fish, kissed their children, and walked 
 through their doors without any notion that they were 
 going to take part in an affair which all coming generations 
 would remember with gratitude and admiration. And, 
 when they came to the sacred Plain of Marathon, they did 
 not stop to count the odds ; but went at a run straight 
 into the midst of the twenty myriads of Modes and 
 
162 A BOLIDAT AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 Phcenicians. Out of breath, but not of heart, — with such 
 line as they could keep, and with so much martial science 
 as a city militia might recall in the heat of contest, — they 
 fought foot to foot and beard to beard, until the con- 
 querors of the world broke and fled. And that very night 
 they marched home to their supper ; — all save one hundred 
 and ninety-two, who were lying, with clenched teeth, and 
 knit brows, and wounds all in the front, on the threshold 
 of their dear country, where it becomes brave men to lie. 
 
 And again, after an interval of ten years, the invader re- 
 turned in such force that historians differ as to the number 
 of millions whom he brought with him. He bridged the 
 salt sea, and he cut through the dry land. His army 
 drank up streams, and in a day devoured the substance of 
 wealthy cities. Straight on Athens he marched, offering 
 her vast power and privilege on condition of her agreeing 
 to his terms : and threatening her with fire and sword if 
 she remained obstinate. Again the rest of G-reece turned 
 recreant. Boetia joined the banner of Xerxes. The states 
 of the Peloponnesus consulted their own security: but 
 Athens — deserted, slighted, and betrayed — ^thought only of 
 the common weal. Themistocles enjoined his countrymen 
 to give up their city to destruction, place their women and 
 children in sanctuary among the neighbouring islands, and 
 take themselves on board their fleet. They obeyed his in- 
 junctions. Sorrowful but resolute they left their beloved 
 homes to the- spoiler ; for they knew, to quote the words of 
 their own historian, that men constitute a city, and not 
 houses, nor temples, nor ramparts bare of defenders. And, 
 ere long, in the Straits of Salamis, was fought that great 
 sea-fight which rolled back the tide of Asiatic conquest, 
 and saved the arts, the laws, and the sciences of the West 
 from wholesale and irremediable extinction. 
 
 But there is a dark side to the picture of Hellenic 
 patriotism. A Greek readily allowed that he owed his 
 
A HOLIDA r AMONG SOME OLD FSIENDS. 163 
 
 motter-country everything ; but his sense of duty stopped 
 there. In his deahngs with foreign nations he had no idea 
 whatsoever of honour, forbearance, humanity, or justice. 
 He spoke no language save his own. He did not profess 
 any consideration for mankind in general, and most as- 
 suredly he did not practise such unless it happened to suit 
 his individual interests. There is something most revolt- 
 ing in the extreme ferocity of ancient warfare. Throughout 
 the histories of Xenophon and Thucydides mention is 
 seldom or never made of the wounded in the beaten 
 army. A soldier in the front rank who had lost his shield 
 or helmet — a fugitive who had once been trampled down 
 in the mel^e, — knew in a moment that he was a dead 
 man. And not only did the belligerents lose sight of 
 compassion. They rarely consulted the dictates of the 
 most common honesty. It is strange to read how these 
 refined and highly-educated people coolly cut the throats 
 of garrisons who had surrendered on promise of life : how 
 they voted the extermination of all the males over the age 
 of sixteen in a town with which, a twelvemonth before, 
 they had been bound by the closest ties of social and com- 
 mercial life. During the Peloponnesian War the little city 
 of Platsea, after a prolonged resistance, was given up to the 
 Lacedsemonians on condition that each of the defenders 
 should have a fair trial. The Spartan notion of giviag their 
 enemies a fair trial consisted in asking them whether they 
 had done any service to the Spartan cause during the war : 
 a question which was, of course, a cruel and insulting pre- 
 liminary to murder. In preference to such a court-martial 
 one would almost elect to be tried by two lieutenants of 
 gun-boats, and an ensign who had been gazetted on the 
 previous January. 
 
 It is impossible to read the story of the late American 
 war without being conscious at every turn that the de- 
 mocratic patriotism of all ages is the same in its leading 
 
164 A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FJilEJVDS. 
 
 features. In intelligent valour, in elasticity of temper, ia 
 versatility, energy, and enterprise, there was much in com- 
 mon between the Athenian militia and the citizen warriors 
 who marched under Sherman and Grant. Our professional 
 soldiers are too apt to ignore these qualities (which are the 
 peculiar excellences of an army of free men fighting for an 
 object which they appreciate), and were for ever dwelling 
 upon that impatience of discipline, and those occasional 
 manifestations of unsteadiness in the field, which were at 
 least as noticeable at Delium and Chseronea as at Chancel- 
 lorsville and Chicamauga. And, if the heroes of Plutarch 
 fought better than the undisciplined levies who behaved as 
 raw troops always did and wUl behave at Bull Eun and 
 Ball's Bluff — at any rate no free Greek city, save Sparta in 
 her best days, ever sent forth a force which could match the 
 armies of the Potomac and the Tennessee in the years 1864 
 and 1865. Laconic in every sense was the answer of the 
 ofSicer detached to hold the Allatoona Pass against all 
 comers, who, when he had been surrounded by vastly 
 superior numbers, replied to the conventional summons 
 to spare the needless effusion of blood by quietly observ- 
 ing that he was ready for the needless effusion of blood 
 whenever it should suit the Confederate general : — 
 gallant words which he did not fail to make good. And 
 Leonidas and his countrymen, performing their national 
 toilette in preparation for the death which they knew to be 
 inevitable, find a parallel among those veterans in Meade's 
 army, who, when their division was ordered upon a despe- 
 rate service, were observed to be silently writing their 
 names upon slips of paper and pinning them to the breasts 
 of their blouses. 
 
 Nor did these modem republicans fall short of the 
 Greeks in their performance of the last offices towards those 
 who had fallen in war. From every comer of that vast 
 battle-field, stretching over eighteen hundred miles from 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 165 
 
 Maryland to farthest Texas, the railways brought back the 
 embalmed bodies of their slain to the farmsteads of Ver- 
 mont and Illinois. Then, too, were heard once more, in 
 unconscious imitation of old Athenian custom, panegyrics 
 pronounced over the honoured dead by chosen orators in 
 solemn assembly of the people. Such was the speech of 
 Mr. Lincoln at the consecration of the cemetery at Gettys- 
 burg — a speech conceived in the spirit of what is perhaps 
 the most touching passage of the funeral oration in the 
 second book of Thucydides. 
 
 " We have come," he said, " to dedicate a portion of this 
 field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their 
 lives that this nation might live. It is altogether fitting 
 and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, 
 we cannot dedicate — we cannot consecrate — we cannot 
 hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who 
 struggled here, have consecrated it far above our poor 
 power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor 
 long remember, what we say here — but it can never forget 
 what they did here. It is rather for us, the living, to be 
 dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who 
 fought here have thus far so nobly advanced, and from 
 these honoured dead to take increased devotion to that 
 cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion. 
 We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have 
 died in vain ; that this nation, under God, shall have a new 
 birth of freedom ; and that government of the people, by 
 the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." 
 
 But the most notable of all the memorial literature, 
 prose or verse, which the occasion produced, was the ode 
 recited at the commemoration of the Harvard University 
 which fell in the July immediately following the close of 
 the war by James Eussell Lowell, himself a professor at 
 that institution. The circumstances were in themselves a 
 poem. Ninety-five graduates and undergraduates, most of 
 
166 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 them quite young men, had perished in the course of the 
 past four years. Twenty-six had died of fatigue, exposure, 
 and camp epidemics, and sixty-nine by the enemy's fire. 
 Hitherto known on our side of the water by productions 
 in which his muse wears a comic mask, the poet here 
 adopts that tone of grave and elevated simplicity which is 
 the essence of lyric majesty : — 
 
 We sit here in the Promised Land 
 
 That flows with Freedom's honey and milk ; 
 
 But 'twas they won it, sword in hand. 
 Making the nettle danger soft for us as silk. 
 
 We welcome back our bravest and our best ; 
 
 Ah me ! not all ! some come not with the rest 
 Who went forth brave and bright as any here ! 
 I strive to mix some gladness with my strain. 
 But the sad strings complain, 
 And will not please the ear. 
 I sweep them for a Psean, but they wane 
 
 Again and yet agaia 
 Into a dirge, and die away in pain. 
 In these brave ranks I only see the gaps. 
 Thinking of dear ones whom the dumb turf wraps, 
 Dark to the triumph which they died to gain. 
 
 Pitlier may others greet the living. 
 
 For me the past is unforgiving. 
 I with uncovered head 
 
 , Salute the sacred dead. 
 Who went, and who return not. — Say not so ! 
 'Tis not the grapes of Canaan that repay. 
 But the high faith that failed not by the way. 
 Virtue treads paths that end not in the grave ; 
 No ban of endless night exiles the brave ; 
 
 And to the saner mind 
 We rather seem the dead that stayed behind. 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 167 
 
 Blow, trumpets, all your exultations blow ! 
 For never shall their aureoled presence lack. 
 I see them muster in a gleaming row. 
 With ever-youthful brows that nobler show. 
 We find in our dull road their shining track. 
 
 In every nobler mood 
 We feel the orient of their spirit glow, 
 Part of our Ufe's unalterable good. 
 
 Of all our saintlier aspiration. 
 They come transfigured back 
 Secure from change in their high-hearted ways, 
 Beautiful evermore, and with the rays 
 
 Of morn on their white Shields of Expectation ! 
 
 These sentiments recall to mind the expressions used by 
 Pericles when speaking of the Athenians who fell in the 
 Samian war : " They are like the Immortal Gods : for the 
 Gods themselves are not visible to us ; but from the honours 
 they receive and the blessings they bestow we conclude 
 that they are immortal : and so it is with those who have 
 died for their country." 
 
 The memorial volumes to which Lowell's ode forms a fit 
 preface present a very different picture of the part played 
 by New England and the Western States from that which 
 some of our contemporaries thought fit to sketch for their 
 own contemplation. There, in the first pages, we may 
 read how James Wadsworth, one of the most influential 
 of Northern country gentlemen, at the age of fifty-four 
 abandoned comfort, and position, and domestic ties,- and 
 fought through all the great Virginian battles, until, in the 
 crisis of the terrible conflict of the Wilderness, at the head 
 of his shattered division he threw himself across Long- 
 street's victorious path. At last his people gave way, and 
 went back without him. He was found by a Confederate 
 officer " in the woods, fifteen paces to the left of the Plank 
 
168 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 Road. None of the Federal dead or wounded were more 
 than twenty or thirty yards nearer than he was to the open 
 field, towards which the attack had been directed. He was 
 lying upon his back under a shelter-tent, which was ex- 
 tended over him at about three feet from the ground, the 
 two upper corners being attached to boughs of trees, and 
 the lower ones and the sides supported by muskets. The 
 officer recognized him by a paper with his name on it, which 
 had been pinned to his coat. His appearance was perfectly 
 natural, and his left hand grasped the stock of one of the 
 supporting muskets near the ground. His fingers played 
 with the trigger, and he occasionally pushed the piece from 
 him as far as he could reach, stUl grasping it in his hand. 
 Supposing he might wish to send some message to his 
 family the officer addressed him. The general, howerer, 
 paid no attention to the words, and it was soon evident 
 that he was unconscious of what was passing around him, 
 although the expression of his face was calm and natural 
 and his eyes indicated intelligence. It was in this state that 
 he was taken to one of the Confederate hospitals. No 
 medical skill could save his life. He lingered from Friday 
 until Sunday morning, the 8th of May." 
 
 We may read, too, of men weakly, poor, and some 
 already elderly, who went into the ranks as common sol- 
 diers, at the call of conscience, and not of glory. Take, for 
 instance, Daniel Hack, who " graduated in 1856, having at 
 the time the iatention of studying law. He did not, how- 
 ever, carry out his intention, but connected himself with 
 the printing business of his father in Taunton, and there 
 remained till January, 1864, when he enlisted in the 
 Fourteenth Massachusetts Battery. He remajned in camp 
 at Eeadville about four weeks, and was detailed as a clerk 
 at head-quarters. At a review of troops by Ma,jor-Greneral 
 Burnside he stood for several hours with wet feet, and, 
 being physically delicate, contracted a severe cold, which 
 
A HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 169 
 
 brought on congestion of the lungs. He went home on 
 a furlough of three days, which was afterwards, on his con- 
 tinued illness, extended to three weeks. At the end of 
 that time he returned to camp, hut was dropped, during 
 that month, for physical disability, without having been 
 mustered into the service. 
 
 " Persevering in his efforts to join the army he went to 
 Hartford, Connecticut, and enlisted as a private during the 
 same month, but was again taten ill before being assigned 
 to any regiment, and died at Hartford, April 17, 1864, aged 
 twenty-nine years. His friends were with him in his last 
 illness, and bore his body home for burial. 
 
 " Thus died, after two enlistments within two months, 
 both times as a private soldier, and the second time with 
 the hand of death almost visibly upon him, a young man 
 who was scarcely known even to his classmates, and who 
 was yet endeared to those who knew him by many amiable 
 qualities. He died without seeing a battle-field. His name 
 hardly appears upon the military records of his country, 
 but he gave her all he had to give — even his life." 
 
 Later in the book, when the births begin to date no 
 earlier than the forties, we come upon lads of the type that 
 our universities know so well ; deep in Plato, and Emerson, 
 and Carlyle ; for ever discussing the comparative merits of 
 the life of action and the hf e of contemplation ; pining after 
 an ideal, and finding it, where once they little expected, in 
 a brief career of hardship and peril ; going home to Boston 
 or Philadelphia to be cured of their wounds, Hke schoolboys 
 returning for the holidays, until, after some murderous 
 day, instead of the son or brother, there came a letter from 
 the commanding officer, accompanied by a sword, or a 
 watch, or a pocket-book scribbled over vnfch the famiUar 
 hand-vyriting. Such was Charles Eussell Lowell, one of 
 Sheridan's ablest cavalry colonels, at nineteen much given 
 to mysticism and transcendentalism ; at nine-and-twenty. 
 
170 ^ HOLIDAY AMONG SOME OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 in the moment of victory, shot through neck and lung on 
 the back of his fourteenth charger. Such were Eobert 
 Gould Shaw and his fellows, steadfastly facing the scorn 
 and ridicule bestowed on all who served with black regi- 
 ments ; cheerfully submitting to the prospect of meeting 
 with neither quarter nor Christian burial, and being hud- 
 dled into a trench along with their dead negroes: — a 
 shameful grave in the estimation of a Southern planter, 
 but one where a brave man may rest as peacefully as in a 
 village churchyard, and as nobly as beneath the aisle of a 
 proud and ancient minster. And to think that the very 
 existence of these men — our equals in birth, circumstances, 
 and education — happier than us in that they possessed a 
 cause for which they had a right to labour and to suffer — 
 was successfully concealed from us home-staying youth ! 
 That we were almost brought to believe that a nation com- 
 posed of high-souled descendants from the loyal chivalry 
 of the seventeenth century had been subjugated by a hete- 
 rogeneous mob of aliens officered by political jobbers ! 
 
 "Who now shall sneer? 
 Who dare again to say we trace 
 Our lines to a plebeian race ? 
 
 Eoundhead and Cavaher ! 
 Dreams are those names erewhile in battle loud. 
 Forceless as is the shadow of a cloud 
 
 They live but in the ear. 
 That is best blood that hath most iron in't 
 To edge resolve with, pouring without stint 
 
 For what makes manhood dear." 
 
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