CORNELL 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 THE 
 
 Joseph Whitmore Barry 
 dramatic library 
 
 THE GIFT OF 
 Two FRIENDS 
 
 OF Cornell University 
 1934 
 
Cornell University Library 
 PN 6120.C6M87 
 
 College comedies 
 
 3 1924 027 216 898 
 
The original of tiiis book is in 
 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924027216898 
 
COLLEGE 
 COMEDIES 
 
 BY 
 
 EDWIN BATEMAN MORRIS 
 
 Author of "THE MAN NEXT DOOR" 
 "IN THE LINE OF DUTY" Sec. 
 
 THE PENN PUBLISHING 
 COMPANY PHILADELPHIA 
 
 1911 
 
COPYRIGHT 
 19 11 BY 
 THE PENN 
 PUBLISHING 
 COMPANY 
 
 jv„-y 
 
 College Comedlea 
 
Contents 
 
 The Freshman 
 The Sophomore 
 The Junior 
 The Senior 
 
Prologue 
 
 There are said to be five hundred universities in the 
 United States. Of these four hundred and ninety-nine are 
 so unworthy — so deficient in spirit, culture, learning, pro- 
 fessors, reputation and results, as to be beneath the consider- 
 ation of every fair-minded man. In shining distinction 
 stands out one brilliant exception, which may be said in 
 unshaken faith to be the greatest university in the world. 
 That university is the one you yourself happen to have at- 
 tended. 
 
 That is what you thought when an undergraduate. That 
 is what you will continue to think until perhaps the breadth 
 of mind and liberality that comes with your eightieth or 
 ninetieth year may induce you to admit that one of the rival 
 institutions — certainly not two — might be considered on the 
 same plane with your own dear alma mater. 
 
 Patriotism to one's college is serious business among the 
 undergraduates. So is everything else — except the serious 
 things. Flunks, conditions, arrests by the local police, 
 suspensions, expulsions and all the things which bring out 
 gray hairs in father's head, provoke laughter and good 
 humor. But the real things of college life — such as who 
 will play full-back this year, who is to be elected Senior 
 President, what restrictions shall be placed on Freshmen's 
 attire, whether the faculty shall be permitted to abolish the 
 cane-rush, and the like — things which that same father 
 laughs at till he is ill — are too serious and profound even to 
 be joked about on the campus. 
 
 These little plays have to do with that topsyturvy life. 
 They do not pretend to be an adequate picture. They are 
 just to remind you that there are such days — days of care 
 forgotten, of light hearts, of strong friendships, of sympathy, 
 chivalry, sincerity, and — I should have mentioned this be- 
 fore — of education. 
 
 Edwin Bateman Morris, 
 
The Freshman 
 
The Freshman 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTERS 
 
 John WORDEN . . The Freshman, and center of interest 
 
 "PiCADiLLY " Jerome"! 
 
 " Bugs " Stevens I . . Sophomores of Lakeville 
 
 "Owl "Griggs [ University 
 
 "Tiny" McGrath J 
 
 Professor Locke Professor of mathematics and astronomy 
 
 Horace . . . Colored factotum, and oldest inhabitant 
 
 Mary Locke .... Daughter of Professor Locke 
 
 Judith Blair The President's daughter 
 
 Miss Porter Of a very old family 
 
 Violet .... Whose mother keeps a boarding-house 
 
 Time in Representation : — Two hours and a half. 
 
 COSTUMES 
 
 WoRDEN. Act I. Well-dressed at entrance, carries dress- 
 suit case, overcoat, etc., as though just from train; 
 overalls over suit later in act. Act II. Workman's 
 costume, including overalls, but should not be too 
 rough in appearance ; may wear neat collar, necktie, 
 and shoes. Act III. May be dressed as in Act I, but 
 without overcoat. 
 
 Jerome, McGrath, Stevens. Act I. Well-dressed col- 
 lege boys, wearing hats with class numerals ; McGrath 
 may wear team sweater and cap. Act II. All well- 
 dressed. Act III. Jerseys or sweaters, caps, etc., as 
 though prepared for rough play. At close of act their 
 clothes appear torn and dirty. 
 
 Griggs. Dressed neatly, but not fashionably. Same cos- 
 tume throughout, or may wear another suit in Act II. 
 Wears spectacles with large lenses. 
 
COSTUMES 
 
 Locke. Frock coat, gray trousers, gray whiskers, if desired, 
 and wears glasses. Same costume throughout. In 
 Act II may wear white waistcoat for variety's sake. 
 
 Horace. Old colored man. May wear any sort of old 
 clothes. A shabby college sweater and cap would be 
 appropriate. 
 
 Mary. In Act I, outdoor summer morning costume, hat, 
 parasol, gloves, handkerchief. Act II. Same, or light 
 costume suitable for afternoon tea ; no hat. Act III. 
 Shirt-waist and dark skirt. Wears at entrance long rain- 
 coat, and scarf over head. 
 
 Judith and Miss Porter. Suitable light morning and 
 afternoon costumes, with hats. Judith should be sev- 
 enteen, and Miss Porter twenty-five to thirty years of 
 age. 
 
 Violet. In Act I, outdoor summer costume, with very 
 large hat ; she should appear cheaply dressed and a 
 little overdressed, with many rings and other cheap 
 jewelry. Acts II and III. Shirt-waist and dark skirt, 
 but still wears same cheap jewelry. Hat in Act III. 
 She is seventeen to twenty years of age. 
 
 PROPERTIES 
 
 Act I. — Dress-suit case; book; pencil and paper; wheel- 
 barrow, containing sand, bricks, trowel, etc. ; overalls ; 
 handkerchief; money. 
 
 Act II. — Trowel and bricklayer's line ; small cakes, tray, 
 with metal teapot, cups ; package ; bricks. 
 
 Act III. — Money; skirt and scarf; tray covered with cloth, 
 supposed to contain dishes ; torn clothing. 
 
 4 
 
SCENE PLOTS 
 ACT I 
 
 LANDSCAPE OROP 
 
 <BRICK WALK 
 
 WOOD /S 
 
 'SEAT 
 
 af/jrSN^ 
 
 W/NGS 
 
 //^' 
 
 wooo 
 
 IV/AfGS 
 
 Scene, the University campus. Drop shows trees and 
 grass or large distant buildings. Wood wings. Benches 
 down R. and up l. Up r. the end of a brick walk, badly 
 broken, projects from wings. 
 
 ACT II 
 
 LANDSCAPE O/f J/OUSE DROP 
 
 Oplants 
 
 a BKICKS 
 
 WOOD 
 
 TEA-TABLE 
 CHAIRS \2 
 
 WOOD 
 
 WINGS 
 
 o 
 
 O CHAIRS 
 
 CHAIRS /\ 
 
 WINGS 
 
 Scene, garden of Professor Locke's house. Drop shows 
 house or garden scene. Tea table up l. with tea service. 
 Wicker chairs up l., down l., and down r. Chairs down 
 L. and down r. may be omitted if necessary. Pile of bricks 
 with potted plants on top of them, up r. Wood wings. 
 
 5 
 
SCENE PLOTS 
 
 ACT III 
 
 DOOR, 
 
 WINDOW 
 
 OOO, 
 
 DOOR 
 
 Scene, boxed end of astronomy room. Blackboards and 
 charts on walls. Up R., a large flat-top desk with chair 
 behind it. Doors r., l. and c. Window l. ( or may be 
 in flat L. c). 
 
The Freshman 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE. — The university camptts. Drop shows trees and 
 grass, or large distant buildings. Wood wings. 
 Benches down R., and up l. Up-A., the end of a brick 
 walk, badly broken, projects from wings. Lights up. 
 
 {Enter Jerome, Stevens and McGrath.) 
 
 Jerome. There are two hundred and nineteen of them. 
 Stevens. What ! Two hundred and nineteen freshmen ? 
 Jerome. That's what the registrar's list says. 
 Stevens. We'll have to be very severe with them. Got 
 
 the makings ? 
 Jerome. Sure. 
 
 (Hands Stevens hag of tobacco and paper. Stevens rolls 
 and lights a cigarette.) 
 
 McGrath. We'll take one freshman every night and chop 
 him up into very small pieces as an example to the rest 
 of the class. 
 
 Stevens. That's it. Nothing brutal. Just funny. 
 
 Jerome. And the main thing is to get our posters up soon. 
 We want to make the whole class look ridiculous. Oh, 
 here's Judith. {Enter Judith and Miss Porter, r. 
 The young men rise.') How d'ye do, Judith? Good- 
 afternoon, Miss Porter. 
 
 Stevens. Well, what do you think of the new freshman 
 class ? 
 
 Judith. Haven't heard much about it. 
 
 Stevens. There are two hundred and nineteen of them. 
 
 Judith {laughing). Yes, and did you hear papa's beau- 
 tiful break in chapel this morning ? 
 
 Jerome. No ; I thought his opening address was fine. 
 
 Judith. All except the last of it. He ended, as usual, 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 you know, with his remark that the freshman class is 
 the largest we ever had. And then — oh, dear — didn't 
 you notice it ? he went on to read from the third Psalm 
 — "Lord, how are they increased who trouble me ! " 
 
 (^They all laugh.) 
 
 Stevens. By Jove, so he did. Poor Prexy ! Well, when 
 we get through with the fresh, they will be of an 
 humble and a contrite spirit. 
 
 Judith. Oh, I don't know. I hope they put you in your 
 proper place. 
 
 Jerome. \ 
 
 Stevens. V Judith ! Behave yourself. 
 
 McGrath. ) 
 
 Judith. Oh, but I know something. 
 
 Jerome. What about ? 
 
 Judith. About your freshman class. 
 
 Jerome. ~) 
 
 Stevens. > Let's have it. 
 
 McGrath. ) 
 
 Judith. Will you promise never to let on I told you? 
 Cross your breath ? 
 
 All. Yes. 
 
 Judith. Well, there's a millionaire in the freshman class. 
 
 All. a millionaire ! 
 
 Jerome. How do you know, Judith ? 
 
 Judith. Well, father, you know, as president of the uni- 
 versity, finds out everything, and I heard him whisper 
 it to the dean. They were in the hall, down-stairs, 
 and I was up-stairs. I didn't mean to listen. 
 
 Stevens. Of course not. 
 
 Judith (squelching Stevens with a look). Father said 
 this millionaire owned thousands and thousands of 
 acres of land and mines and things at Dead Man's 
 Gulch, Colorado. 
 
 Miss Porter. What a horrible name. 
 
 Judith. Dead Man's Gulch ? I think it's lovely. 
 
 Stevens. What's the man's name? We'll haze him first. 
 Oh, my, boys, won't we 
 
 Judith. No, you won't. You aren't ever to know. Father 
 said this millionaire wanted his son to start college just 
 like a poor man. So he asked father to keep it a secret. 
 
 Stevens. But he didn't know then about father's daughter. 
 
 8 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 Judith. I think you're horrid. 
 Jerome. Oh, Judith, don't mind him. He's jealous. 
 Judith (scornfully). Of whom, pray? Come on, Miss 
 Porter. I hate sophomores, don't you ? 
 
 (Exeunt Judith and Miss Porter, l.) 
 
 Jerome (to Stevens). You're a nice man, I don't think. 
 
 Come on, we don't want her to go away mad. Come 
 
 on, McGrath. 
 McGrath. No, you fellows fix it. I've got to go over and 
 
 see if I can't substitute a course in " Current Topics " 
 
 for Greek composition. 
 Stevens. Run along, Jerome; she'll take anything you 
 
 say for gospel. We'll wait for you. 
 Jerome. All right; we want to talk over those posters. 
 
 Back soon. 
 
 (^Exit Jerome, l.) 
 
 Stevens. A millionaire in the freshman class, eh ? I won- 
 der what he looks like. Tiny? (^Looking off r.) Well, 
 here comes a freshman now. 
 
 (Enter Worden, r., with suit case, which he puts down on 
 stage. He looks about him uncertainly.) 
 
 Worden. Which is the way to the registrar's office ? 
 
 Stevens. Take off your hat, freshman. 
 
 'WovDEis (taking off hat). All right. 
 
 Stevfns. Don't say, "All right." Say, " Yes, sir." I'm 
 the dean of this university. You know this is a uni- 
 versity, don't you? 
 
 Worden. I had heard that 
 
 Stevens. Don't try to talk as if you had brains. Say, 
 "Yes, sir," or "No, sir." Nothing else. For whatso- 
 ever is more than this cometh of evil. 
 
 Worden. Yes, sir. 
 
 Stevens. Very good. What is the name of this university, 
 fresh. ? 
 
 Worden. No, sir. 
 
 Stevens. I say, what is the name of tfiis university ? 
 
 Worden. No, sir. 
 
 Stevens. Oh, I see. You're smart. You're one of those 
 real clever boys. I'll remember you. Now, fresh.. 
 
THE FBESBMAN 
 
 what's your name? — and if you say, "Yes, sir," or 
 "No, sir," I'll have you boiled in oil. 
 
 WoRDEN. John Worden. 
 
 Stevens. Sir. 
 
 Worden. Sir. 
 
 Stevens. Very good, John Worden. I'll remember you. 
 You will have to have some of the freshness extracted. 
 
 Worden {looking over Stevens with an amused air). I 
 should say, after calm reflection, that you are a sopho- 
 more, so I suppose you can tell me how they extract 
 the freshness from a freshman. 
 
 Stevens. You'll learn soon enough. I warn you it's a 
 painful operation — very, Mr. John Worden. But I 
 think you'll be the better for it. Come on. Tiny. 
 
 (^Exeunt Stevens and McGrath, r. Worden looks after 
 them, laughing.") 
 
 {Enter Jerome, l.) 
 
 Jerome. Hello, fresh. Welcome to our city. 
 
 Worden. Hello. 
 
 Jerome. Always say, " Good-morning," to members of the 
 
 faculty. Where's your nurse ? 
 Worden. My what ? 
 Jerome. And your perambulator ? And your rubber ball ? 
 
 Every child should have these. 
 Worden. Oh, I see; that's supposed to be funny. Are 
 
 all sophomores as funny as you are ? 
 Jerome. No. By the time we're through with you, you 
 
 won't think sophomores are funny at all. We'll make 
 
 yours a special case. 
 Worden. Yes. 
 Jerome. Yes, sir. Take off your hat. (Worden removes 
 
 hat.) Remember. We are going to make yours a 
 
 special case. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 {Enter Violet, l.) 
 
 Violet. Have you seen Mr. Jerome? 
 
 Worden. Is that Mr. Jerome ? 
 
 Violet {looking). Yes, that's him. And a meaner, more 
 
TBE FBE8BMAN 
 
 stuck-up creature never went to this here university. 
 
 Oh, I'll Jerome him before I'm through. 
 WoRDEN. I haven't the slightest doubt that you will. 
 Violet. Are you a student ? 
 
 WoRDEN. Well, nearly. I'm on my way to register now. 
 Violet. Oh, my ! You're a freshman. 
 WoRDEN. I'm afraid so. 
 Violet (picking a speck from his coat). Well, I always 
 
 did like freshmen. Have you found a boarding-house 
 
 yet? 
 
 WORDEN. No. 
 
 Violet (smoothing down the lapel of his coat^. How well 
 you look in this suit. There are so few good-looking 
 men in the university. Mother keeps a boarding-house. 
 
 WoRDEN. Does she ? 
 
 Violet. Oh, yes. Has for years. 
 
 WoRDEN. I am going to get a dormitory room. 
 
 Violet. Oh, fudge. There ain't none of them left. 
 
 WoRDEN. Is that so ? 
 
 Violet. Oh, no. You know, I should think you'd get a 
 necktie of this new shade of blue. It would just match 
 your eyes. You know mother has such a hard time to 
 get nice young men. And she would rather not take 
 any at all than any other kind. 
 
 WoRDEN. Of course. They all would. 
 
 Violet (picking off another imaginary speck"). We — I 
 think it would be lovely if you'd come. 
 
 WoRDEN. I have to go somewhere, I suppose. 
 
 Violet. Oh, say, kiddo, that's the talk. Mother will 
 scream for joy when she sees you. 
 
 WoRDEN. Lead the way, then. I'm coming. 
 
 (^Exeunt Worden ««</ Violet, l.) 
 
 {JSnter Stevens, Jerome a«rf Griggs, r. Griggs carries 
 book.) 
 
 Jerome. We'll have to throw it into the freshmen hard, 
 right off. We want to make them the laughing-stock 
 of the university. 
 
 Stevens. That's the idea. Don't you think so, Griggs? 
 
 Griggs. Eh? What? 
 
 Stevens. I say we've got to throw it into the freshmen hard 
 this fall. 
 
 «I 
 
TBE FBESEMAN 
 
 Griggs. True. Very true. Quite proper. 
 (Returns to book.) 
 
 Jerome. Put that book away. What are you reading ? 
 
 Griggs. An extremely clever and absorbing proof that x 
 to the fourth power, y to the fourth power minus x 
 square, plus the nth root of z square taken twice may in 
 two specific instances equal infinity. 
 
 Stevens. How exciting ! I don't wonder you hate to 
 leave it. 
 
 Jerome. Now we three are on the committee to put up a 
 poster. Let's get to business. We ought to put out a 
 poster that will make the freshmen squirm. I say, let's 
 go about it in a different way this time. Instead of the 
 usual maudlin, pointless rubbish, let's have something 
 really clever, something that will make people laugh. 
 
 Stevens. Fine. That's the talk. Let's make this a rec- 
 ord-breaker. 
 
 Jerome. The main thing is to have something tremendously 
 funny at the very beginning, so everybody will want to 
 read the rest of it. Now I had thought of having 
 printed in large letters at the top, "Oh, You Green 
 Worms." What do you think of that for a starter ? 
 
 Stevens. That's a rip-snorter. That'll get them going. 
 Eh, Griggs? 
 
 Griggs. What ? 
 
 Stevens. Don't you think "Oh, You Green Worms " is 
 a screaming line for the poster ? 
 
 Griggs. Well — ah — it scarcely seems overburdened with 
 point. 
 
 Jerome. Oh, Griggs ! 
 
 Stevens. Now isn't that just like a greasy grind? No 
 more class spirit — than a fried tomato. Griggs, you're 
 a disgrace to the university. 
 
 (Griggs returns to his book.) 
 
 Jerome. Oh, come on, Stevens, let's go work this out by 
 ourselves. 
 
 (Exeunt Stevens and Jerome, r.) 
 
 Griggs. Oh, what a grand old man this Dr. Smudge was \ 
 X to the fourth power, y to the fourth power minus x 
 
 12 
 
TEE FRESHMAN 
 
 square plus the nth root of z square taken twice — in two 
 specific instances equals infinity. What a discovery ! 
 What a benefit to humanity ! Ah, this man was a man. 
 Think of dying and leaving such a heritage as that to 
 mankind. 
 
 {Enter Locke aiid Mary, r.) 
 
 Locke. Well, Griggs, at it again ? 
 
 Griggs. Yes, Professor Locke. I've discovered an abso- 
 lute proof of the Bi-Quaternion Pentagonal Elipsoid 
 Theorem. 
 
 Locke. What ! What ! Scarcely possible. Scarcely pos- 
 sible. 
 
 (Mary sits down, l.) 
 
 Griggs (working with pencil on paper'). Here it is. 
 From the point Q., lay out the diagonal Q. R. 
 
 Locke. Oh, why did I never think of that before ? Come 
 on, Mr. Griggs, come on. We'll have to work this 
 out. It looks interesting — very. Come. 
 
 {Exeunt Griggs and Locke, r. ) 
 
 {Enter McGrath, r. Falls over loose brick in walk.") 
 
 McGrath. Confound that — — Beg your pardon, Miss 
 Locke. But I almost broke my neck. 
 
 Mary. That would have been unfortunate. 
 
 McGrath. You have a happy way of putting my own 
 thoughts into words. I hope the university authorities 
 can afford to have that walk repaired, now that the son of 
 a multi-millionaire is coming to the university. 
 
 Mary. What ! What's this ? Who's coming ? 
 
 McGrath. The thing's a secret. A gentleman from Dead 
 Man's Gulch, Colorado, owns a ranch of one hundred 
 thousand acres, with a few mines thrown in for good 
 measure, and is worth money enough to buy the whole 
 university, including the surrounding village, the heavens 
 above and the waters beneath. Why, he could buy our 
 football team at twice what we paid for it, and never 
 know he'd spent a cent. 
 
 Mary. Dear me, you don't say ! Who is he ? 
 
 McGrath. Nobody knows. 
 
 Mary. Nobody knows ? 
 
 13 
 
TBE FRESHMAN 
 
 McGrath. No. He won't allow his name to be published. 
 He says his son ought to start in college just like any 
 other boy. 
 
 Mary. That sounds like a Sunday-school novel. 
 
 McGrath. Chance for you, then. The heroine of a Sun- 
 day-school novel is always named Mary. 
 
 Mary. I won't set my cap for him. 
 
 McGrath. I'll bet you do. 
 
 Mary. Take you. 
 
 McGrath. You're on. What's the bet ? 
 
 Mary. Oh, anything. 
 
 McGrath {Iiolding up hands with fingers sticking out of 
 gloves'). Gloves. 
 
 Mary. Right. 
 
 McGrath. I warn you I'm betting on a certainty. 
 
 Mary. You're not. I'm going to marry a poor man — like 
 you. 
 
 McGrath. No, you don't. I saw you first. 
 
 Mary. You wretch. Is this man's son coming to college 
 under an assumed name ? 
 
 McGrath. I knew you'd come back to that. I don't 
 know. Maybe. Anyway nobody seems to know who 
 the millionaire ranch owner is, so his name won't be a 
 clue. Probably it's Muggins, or Smith, or Winterbot- 
 tom, — so when you meet him you will think his father's 
 a plumber. 
 
 Mary. I hope it isn't Winterbottom. 
 
 McGrath. Of course you do. 
 
 Mary. Oh, be quiet. I don't intend to look at him. 
 Come on down town with me. I want to buy some 
 things. 
 
 McGrath. Yes, of course. Some finery to please Mr. 
 Winterbottom ? 
 
 {Exeunt, l.) 
 
 {Enter Worden, l. Stands aside to let Mary andVLc- 
 Grath pass.) 
 
 Worden (aside). I wonder who that is? Some day, after 
 my freshmanitis wears off, I'm going to meet her. 
 
 {Opens letter and starts to read.) 
 
 {Enter Stevens and Jerome, r.) 
 
 14 
 
THE FBESHMAN 
 
 Jerome. There he is now. Look here, fresh. (Worden 
 reads.') Freshman ! 
 
 Worden. Oh, hello. How are you ? 
 
 Stevens. Take off your hat. And don't read your love- 
 letters when sophomores are present. Give the letter 
 to me. (Worden /olds it up.) Give it to me. 
 
 Worden (putting it in his pocket). The letter is mine. 
 
 Stevens. I say give it to me. 
 
 Worden. And I say, if you will pardon me, go to thunder- 
 
 Jerome. Stevens, he's got to be cured. 
 
 Stevens. We'll cure him. 
 
 (Enter Horace, with wheelbarrow, l.) 
 
 Jerome. Horace, what're you going to do ? 
 
 Horace. Ole Horace's gwine to fix this yere brick pave- 
 ment. I 'clare to goodness, Marse Jerome, I'se gwine 
 to throw up my job if I'se got to come down to layin' 
 bricks. I'se been with this university nigh on to fifty 
 years, sir, — and now they puts me to layin' bricks. 
 Why, sir, I'se most a member of the faculty, I is. And 
 me with the misery in my shouldah, so that it squeaks 
 every time I move it. 
 
 Jerome. That's all right, Horace. Mr. Worden, here, is 
 an experienced bricklayer. He'll lay the bricks. 
 Won't you, Mr. Worden? 
 
 Worden. Just as you say. 
 
 Horace. Lordy be praised. Ole Horace too old to be 
 layin' bricks. 
 
 Jerome. Run get Mr. Worden some overalls. (Exit 
 Horace, l.) You always wear overalls, don't you, 
 Mr. Worden? 
 
 Worden. Invariably. 
 
 (Reenter Horace, with overalls, l.) 
 
 Horace. These is the gardener's. They was hanging 
 right there on the fence. 
 
 Jerome. Thank you. That will do. 
 
 Horace. Much obliged, Marse Jerome. Heaven will re- 
 ward you, sah. 
 
 (Exit, L.) 
 
 Jerome. Come on, now, put them on. 
 Stevens. Are you going to fight about it ? 
 
 IS 
 
THE FBE8H3IAN 
 
 WoRDEN. No. Be very glad to put them on. 
 Stevens. Because if you don't, the rest of the sophomore 
 class is in the gymnasium. 
 
 (WoRDEN puis on overalls.) 
 
 WoRDEN. Don't worry, gentlemen, you are perfectly safe 
 with me. I shan't hurt you. 
 
 Stevens. } ^^""^ "P ' ^°'^' '^^ ''"'=''"• 
 
 {Sand, trowel, bricks, etc., are in wheelbarrow. Worden 
 begins to lay the bricks. Sophomores gleeful.') 
 
 Jerome. Come over in the shade of the trees and watch 
 
 this performance. 
 Stevens. Yes. People will begin coming along presently. 
 
 (Jerome and Stevens conceal themselves in the wings, r.) 
 
 Jerome {calling to Worden). Don't you stop work when 
 
 these people come along. 
 Worden. No, sir. 
 
 {Enter Judith and Miss Porter, l.) 
 
 Miss Porter. Dear me. At lawst they are repairing the 
 sidewalk. 
 
 Judith. Not before it needed it. 
 
 Worden. I beg your pardon, miss, would you mind walk- 
 ing on the drive? I'm laying bricks here. 
 
 Miss Porter. Why, it's all muddy, I cawn't walk out 
 there. 
 
 Worden. Sorry, miss. But walking here makes large 
 holes in the sand and that makes it very hard to lay 
 bricks. 
 
 Judith. Come, Miss Porter. 
 
 Miss Porter {coming down r.). Why cawn't they lay 
 them early in the morning ? What extrawdin'ry stupid 
 people these workmen are. Just like a lot of sheep. 
 
 {Exeunt Judith and Miss Porter, r.) 
 
 {Enter Jerome and Stevens, from wings, up r.) 
 
 Jerome {coming out from wings, laughing). She showed 
 you where you lived, fresh. You look the part, all 
 right. 
 
 i6 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 Stevens. Get to work, bricklayer. Here comes the best- 
 looking girl in the university. Don't you dare to stop 
 laying bricks. Let her see what a worm of a freshman 
 you are. 
 
 Jerome. Let her see what you ought to be instead of a 
 freshman. 
 
 {Exeunt Jerome and Stevens, r.) 
 
 {Enter Mary, l. Worden lays bricks with furious in- 
 tentness.) 
 
 Mary {aside). Poor little freshman. Being hazed, of 
 course. 
 
 (Mary pauses a moment and looks at Worden, who is tre- 
 mendously embarrassed. Mary walks on, but she 
 drops her handkerchief.) 
 
 Worden {picking it up). Miss ! 
 
 Mary {turning). Yes. 
 
 Worden. You have — a — dropped your handkerchief. 
 
 Mary {greatly surprised). Oh, thank you. {Aside.) How 
 
 nice looking he is. {Aloud.) My good man, you have 
 
 an interesting face. 
 Worden. Yes, miss, I try to make it so — that is — yes, 
 
 miss, I believe so. 
 
 {In what follows, it should be clear that Mary knows he is 
 a student, and that Worden sees she is simply playing 
 with him.) 
 
 Mary. You must be a very worthy person, and quite in- 
 telligent, I think. Entirely too intelligent to be doing 
 menial labor. 
 
 Worden. Yes, miss. 
 
 Mary. Why don't you aspire to something higher? I 
 should think it would be very galling for you to be 
 down on your knees here in the mud where everybody 
 passes by. 
 
 Worden. Yes, miss, it is. And when I get a chance at the 
 men who made me do it, I'll — but never mind that. 
 
 Mary. Very true. Never revile your masters. 
 
 Worden. Yes, miss. 
 
 Mary. Do you like laying bricks ? 
 
 12 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 WoRDEN. Oh, I love it. I can hardly wait until it is six 
 o'clock in the morning, so I can get up and come to 
 work ; and in the afternoon when it is lime to stop, I 
 dp it with tears in my eyes. 
 
 Mary (hiding a smile). You mustn't be bitter. What is 
 your name ? {Aside.) Really, his eyes ai e unusual. 
 
 WoRDEN. John Worden. 
 
 Mary. Well, John, I am very much interested in your 
 case. We must try to do something to better your 
 condition. I am very fond of mission work among the 
 worthy poor. 
 
 Worden. Thank you. 
 
 Mary. Now I wonder — well, come to our house — Pro- 
 fessor Locke's — to-morrow afternoon. There is a — let 
 me see — a piece of garden wall that must be repaired. 
 And I will speak to my father about you. I want you 
 to go to the university, if possible. There was one 
 young man who did it and earned his way by scrub- 
 bing floors and washing windows. I want you to do 
 that. And he turned out very well. 
 
 Worden. You are very thoughtful — ^indeed. Miss — is it 
 Miss Locke ? 
 
 Mary. Yes. And I hope you will be grateful. One 
 young man whom father befriended stole. But I am 
 sure you wouldn't steal, would you ? 
 
 Worden. Oh, no. 
 
 Mary. I knew you wouldn't. You have such a pleasant 
 face. I liked it right away. 
 
 Worden. But that was nothing. The instant I saw your 
 face, I went crazy about it. 
 
 Mary. Never mind, John. Try not to be forward. The 
 impression my face made on you is of no interest to 
 me. You must not take advantage of the fact that I 
 treat you as an equal. 
 
 Worden. I'm sorry, miss. I forgot myself for the mo- 
 ment. 
 
 Mary. Very good, John. I'm not offended. But you 
 must not do it again. 
 
 Worden. I'll try to remember. 
 
 Mary. Always say Miss Locke. It isn't respectful not to. 
 
 Worden (repeating). I'll try to remember. Miss Locke. 
 
 Mary. That's better. 
 
 Worden. In fact, I don't see how I can forget her. 
 
 i8 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 Mary. John ! Now, that will do. You must remember 
 your place. 
 
 WoRDEN. I apologize humbly, Miss Locke. I forgot my- 
 self. 
 
 Mary. Well, you must be careful in the future. 
 
 {Enter Miss Porter, r.) 
 
 Miss Porter. Why, Mary Locke, what do you mean by 
 standing here on the drive talking to a common brick- 
 layer ? 
 
 Mary. I was just engaging him to do some work in the 
 garden. 
 
 Miss Porter. Well, come along, then. I detest plumbers 
 and bricklayers. 
 
 Mary. Come, then, to-morrow afternoon, John. 
 
 WoRDEN. Yes, miss. 
 
 (Mary goes 'l., pauses, looks back at Worden, turns and 
 goes out, laughing softly. Exeunt Miss Porter and 
 Mary, l.) 
 
 {Enter Stevens a«(/ Jerome, r.) 
 
 Stevens. Oh, you common bricklayer. 
 
 Worden. Dry up. 
 
 Jerome. Sore, aren't you ? What did Miss Locke say to 
 
 you ? We couldn't hear it all. 
 Worden. I'm glad you couldn't. 
 Stevens (laughs). Oh, you peevish freshman. Well, 
 
 good-bye, common bricklayer. 
 Jerome. Good-bye, you horny-handed son of toil. 
 
 {Exeunt Jerome and Stevens, r.) 
 
 Worden. Common bricklayer. Well {smiles), I never 
 before appreciated how much fun there is in that sort 
 of thing. 
 
 {Enter Horace, l.) 
 
 Horace. Are you Marse John Worden ? 
 
 Worden. Yes. 
 
 Horace. Here's a letter for you, suh. From the most 
 
 peculiah place I ever heard of, suh. Dead Man's Gulch. 
 
 Dat's a very funny name. 
 Worden. Yes, it's from my father. Thank you, Horace. 
 
 19 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 {Gives him money.) 
 
 Horace. Thank you, suh. Marse Worden, the boys done 
 tola me them sophomores jes' playin' tricks on you. 
 If I'd a known you was a student ! Is you a freshman, 
 sah, or a bricklayer ? 
 
 Worden (speaking slowly). Well, Horace, I'm a fresh- 
 man. But {looking off, L.) I don't know — there are 
 some tremendous advantages in being just a common 
 bricklayer. 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 <0 
 
ACT n 
 
 SCENE. — Garden of Professor Lockers house. Drop 
 shows house or garden scene. Tea-table, up l., holds 
 tea-service ; if possible, teapot has lamp burning under 
 it, but this is not necessary. Plates of cakes also on 
 table. Two wicker chairs near table, up l. Two 
 more wicker chairs down l., and two down R. All 
 chairs except the two near table may be omitted if stage 
 is small. Up near r. 3 e., a pile of about a dozen 
 bricks, with potted plants standing on them. Wood 
 wings. Lights up. Mary and Violet discovered c. 
 
 Mary. I sent for you this afternoon to help me. This is 
 the first of my Tuesday afternoons at home, and I want 
 you to answer the door and show the guests out here ; 
 and help me generally with the tea and sandwiches. 
 
 Violet. I ain't no menial, miss. 
 
 Mary. No, of course you're not, Violet. But I just need 
 a nice, intelligent, good-looking girl like you. There 
 now, run and see if you can help Jane with the sand- 
 wiches. And if a bricklayer comes, tell me imme- 
 diately. I wish to see him. 
 
 Violet. Yes, miss. (iS'xzV Mary, r. ) Huh. Bricklayer, 
 indeed. Well, I'll show him that I'm a lady, even 
 if I do have to open the door for him. There's the bell 
 now. (Exit, L. Reenter in a moment, Violet and 
 WoRDEN, L. Worden attired in overalls, carrying 
 trowel and line.) Huh. So you're a bricklayer, are 
 you? 
 
 WoRDEN. Yes. 
 
 Violet. Well, if I'd known that. 
 
 Worden. I'm sorry you didn't. 
 
 Violet. To think that my mother, who tries to keep a 
 swell boarding-house, should have rented her best room 
 to a bricklayer. Ain't that a jolt ? 
 
 Worden. She's getting paid for it, isn't she? 
 
 Violet. But the disgrace. Mother and I have to remem- 
 ber our station in life. 
 
 31 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 WoRDEN. I guess it's a flag-station, isn't it ? 
 ■ Violet. Fresh thing. I'll tell Miss Mary. And don't you 
 dare sit on those chairs in your dirty overalls. 
 
 QExit, L.) 
 
 WoRDENi This is a peculiar situation. Even my boarding- 
 house lady's daughter snubs me. Nobody in this town 
 will look at me when they hear I have laid bricks at 
 one end of the Lockes' garden, while Mary Locke was 
 having a tea-party at the other. I wouldn't miss this 
 masquerade for a farm. It has possibilities for much 
 humor. Especially in the question — can I really lay 
 bricks ? 
 
 {Enter Mary, r.) 
 
 Mary. Well, John. 
 
 WoRDEN. How do you do. Miss Locke ? 
 
 Mary. I am glad to see you are so punctual. It is a good 
 trait. 
 
 WORDEN. Aren't all the men who come to see you 
 punctual ? 
 
 Mary (aside). He's awfully clever. (Aloud.) You are 
 not coming to see me. You are coming to lay bricks, 
 John. 
 
 WoRDEN. Yes, miss. 
 
 Mary. I spoke to my father about you, and he is very 
 much interested. He says he hopes you will enter the 
 university some day. Perhaps you are especially inter- 
 ested in mathematics. If you'd like to specialize in 
 mathematics, he will help you. 
 
 WoRDEN. Heaven forbid. 
 
 Mary. What did you say ? 
 
 WoRDEN. I don't think much of mathematics. 
 
 Mary. Oh, but you will. Father will make it very in- 
 teresting. 
 
 WoRDEN. He didn't to-day. 
 
 Mary. What, John? 
 
 WoRDEN. I say I hope he will. Oh, Miss Locke 
 
 Mary. Don't say "Oh, Miss Locke." It's too familiar. 
 Just say Miss Locke. 
 
 WoRDEN. Yes, miss. I wanted to ask you if you were 
 going to be about when I'm laying bricks — so as to see 
 that I do it the way you want it. 
 
THE FBESHMAN 
 
 Mary. Yes. I shall be about. 
 
 WoRDEN. That's a great relief. 
 
 Mary {looking at hint). John, you must be a great favor- 
 ite among the girls of your class. 
 
 WoRDEN. There are no girls in our class. Oh, I see, you 
 mean my social level ? 
 
 Mary. Yes. What else ? 
 
 WoRDEN. Why do you think that ? 
 
 Mary. You have such nice eyes. 
 
 WoRDEN. Thank you, miss. 
 
 Mary. Tell me about your very best girl. 
 
 WoRDEN. I'm afraid I have none. 
 
 Mary. Sure, John? 
 
 WoRDEN. Sure. Unless it's you, Miss Locke. 
 
 Mary. That's very nice. But I'm afraid it's a little im- 
 pertinent. Come, it's time you were laying bricks. 
 
 {Exeunt, R.) 
 
 {Enter Violet, l., ushering in Jerome, Stevens, Griggs 
 and McGrath.) 
 
 Violet. I will tell Miss Locke. 
 
 Stevens {to Jerome). I wonder who the Lockes' new 
 
 servant is ? 
 Violet. I thank you, Mr. Stevens, I am no servant. 
 Stevens. Why, it's little Violet, the pride of the village. 
 Violet. You knew me all the time. But you just take 
 
 every opportunity to insult me. But if you don't pay 
 
 mother the three dollars and seventy-five cents you owe 
 
 her — soon — we will have the town constable set on you. 
 Stevens. Three-seventy-five ? Mercy ! Is it possible I 
 
 owe your mother for two weeks' board ? 
 Violet. Oh, funny. Ha, ha ! But just you be careful, 
 
 Mr. Smarty, or else you'll laugh on the other side of 
 
 your face. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 
 McGrath. I suppose all you sophomores know we are 
 going to have a terrible time to put up our posters 
 to-night ? 
 
 Jerome. Yes. The freshmen have got wind of it. 
 
 McGrath. And they have found who is doing the print- 
 ing. They are gathered around the shop like flies, 
 and if we get the posters out whole, it will be a miracle. 
 
 23 
 
TEE FRESHMAN 
 
 Jerome (ccming close to McGrath). Sh-h-h ! {Looks 
 about stage.') Are we alone ? 
 
 Stevens {looking about stage'). Absolutely. 
 
 Jerome (to McGrath). We've got them ! 
 
 McGrath. What! You've got the posters from the 
 printer's ? 
 
 Jerome. Yes. You see, we saw all the freshmen camped 
 about the place, waiting to seize the posters. So we 
 got the baker's boy to climb along the roof from his 
 shop to the printer's shop and get the posters — all un- 
 known to the freshies. 
 
 McGrath. Fine. Whoop ! 
 
 Stevens. And he has the package of them now safe and 
 sound. 
 
 McGrath. But how shall we get them ? 
 
 Jerome. When the baker's boy delivers some cake and 
 things here to Miss Locke this afternoon, he will de- 
 liver the package too, and we will hide it till to-night, 
 and then 
 
 Stevens. Now, listen to this. This is the smart part. 
 
 Jerome. To-night half of us sophomores will go to the 
 printer's as if we were going to break in and get the 
 posters. That will engage the whole freshman class in 
 a fight, and while the fight is going on, the rest of us 
 will put up the posters. 
 
 Stevens. Whoop ! I guess that's pretty stupid of us — 
 what ? {Slaps Griggs on the back.) What do you 
 think of that, Griggsy ? 
 
 Griggs. It should be productive of much interesting re- 
 sult. I thoroughly approve of it. 
 
 Stevens. Now, Griggs, not so boisterous. Restrain your 
 enthusiasm. Try to be calm, like me. 
 
 (Enter Mary and Violet, r.) 
 
 Mary. Please bring some fresh tea, Violet. How do you 
 
 do, sophomores, and the famous Mr. McGrath ? 
 Jerome. Well, McGrath. How do you happen to stand 
 
 in so strong ? 
 McGrath. Well, I won't very long. There's a young, 
 
 half-grown millionaire in the freshman class, who is 
 
 going to have me cut right out. 
 Mary. Nonsense ! (To others.) You've heard about 
 
 this person ? 
 
 24 
 
the freshman 
 
 Griggs. ") 
 
 Jerome. V- Oh, yes. 
 
 Stevens. ) 
 
 Mary. Well, Mr, McGrath says I will set my cap for him. 
 I have bet a pair of gloves I won't have anything to 
 do with himj and I need those gloves. {Enter 
 Violet, l., ushering Miss Porter and Judith.) Oh, 
 hello, Judith, and Miss Porter. 
 
 Miss Porter. How do you do? Good-afternoon, Mr. 
 McGrath. I saw you this morning on the street and 
 you wouldn't look at me. I'm surprised at you. 
 
 Stevens {to Judith). I'm not. 
 
 Judith. Hush ! 
 
 McGrath. My eyes are bad. I have to deny myself the 
 pleasure of looking at these dazzling things. 
 
 Stevens (Jo Judith). He ought to have the Victoria Cross 
 for that. 
 
 Mary. Do have some tea, won't you ? 
 
 {Pours tea. Young men pass tea, cakes, etc.) 
 
 Miss Porter {to McGrath). Are you going to get your 
 
 posters up to-night ? 
 McGrath. Indeed we will. 
 
 (McGrath andMiss Porter engage in a lively conversation 
 down E. Mary and Stevens sit in chairs up l.) 
 
 Jerome (to Judith). Have you seen those funny new gold- 
 fish Mary has, Judith ? 
 
 Judith. No ; where are they ? 
 
 Jerome {drawing her l.). Over there on the verandah. 
 They're Japanese, you know, and 
 
 {£xeunt]vr>iTH. and Jerome, l.) 
 
 Stevens {to Griggs, who has been standing up r. eating 
 cakes, which he takes from table). Oh, Griggs, don't 
 chatter so. You are always gossiping. 
 
 Griggs. I assure you I have not been conversing at all. 
 
 Mary. You mustn't tease Mr. Griggs. I won't have it. 
 Father is very proud of him. 
 
 {^Enter Locke, r.) 
 
 Locke. How do you do, Judith ? — and Miss — Miss — no 
 
 25 
 
TEE FRESHMAN 
 
 matter. I'm so glad to see you. Good-afternoon, 
 gentlemen, and Mr. Griggs — I am indeed delighted to 
 see you. In reference to this wonderful discovery we 
 made this morning {He goes to Griggs, up r.) 
 
 Mary. Father. 
 
 Locke. Yes, my dear. 
 
 Mary. Won't you go and talk to Miss Porter ? 
 
 Locke. I am sure I have nothing of importance to impart 
 to her, my dear. Now, Mr. Griggs, the main point is, 
 can we prove that if x is a constant factor in a binomial 
 equation — er — that y will vary in inverse or direct 
 ratio according as x is a — er 
 
 Griggs. You mean, according as x is a positive or nega- 
 tive quantity. 
 
 Locke. Exactly. Let us stroll in the garden. Now, sup- 
 pose we consider infinity as a limit rather than 
 
 (^Exeunt Griggs and I^ocke, r.) 
 
 McGrath. I certainly should hate to have a disease like 
 that. 
 
 {Enter Violet, l., bearing tea-tray. Stevens surrepti- 
 tiously trips her and she falls down with it. 
 
 Stevens. Oh, how clumsy of her. I am so sorry, Miss 
 Locke. Fortunately these pots don't break. But you 
 can't trust servants with nice things. 
 
 Violet. I seen you stick out your foot, Mr. Stevens. 
 
 Stevens {grieved'). Why, Violet ! 
 
 Violet. It's a pity a lady can't bring on a tea-tray without 
 some fresh student tripping her up. I'm just as good 
 as you are, Mr. Henery Stevens. 
 
 Mary. Violet, go in the house. 
 
 Violet. Oh, yes, I'll go. But I wouldn't have a disposi- 
 tion like some people. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 Mary. I'm ashamed of you, Mr. Stevens. Did you do 
 
 that? 
 Stevens. Did you see the man laying bricks in front of 
 
 Science Hall yesterday ? 
 Mary. Incorrigible. 
 Miss Porter. Yes, I saw him. And I thought he was 
 
 horrid and impudent. 
 
 26 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 (^linfer IjOCKe, Griggs and Worden, r.) 
 
 Locke. Why, Mary, see whom I found in the garden re- 
 pairing the back wall. 
 Mary. Yes, father. 
 Stevens (calling off l.). Oh, Jerome, come here a minute. 
 
 (Enter Jerome ««</ Judith, l.) 
 
 Locke. He's in my algebra class, and is paying his way 
 
 through college by practicing his trade as a bricklayer. 
 
 Now, isn't that meritorious ? 
 Stevens. I think he'll make his mark, Professor. 
 Mary. Why, father, I spoke to you about him yesterday. 
 
 We were hoping he might enter the university, but we 
 
 didn't expect to find him there so soon. 
 
 (She looks hard at Worden, who looks away, then suddenly 
 faces her. Mary then turns away, hiding a smile.) 
 
 Miss Porter. I think it's disgusting. If a man must earn 
 his way through college, why can't he do it like a gen- 
 tleman, by giving instruction in bridge or burning Indian 
 heads on leather ? 
 
 Jerome. I agree with Miss Porter. But then this gentle- 
 man is so illiterate that bricklaying is probably the only 
 thing he could undertake. 
 
 (Worden shakes fist at Jerome.) 
 
 Mary. That's perfectly absurd, Mr. Jerome. There isn't 
 
 a word of it true. 
 Worden. Thank you. Miss Locke. But perhaps I had 
 
 better retire while this discussion continues. 1 have 
 
 some bricks to lay. 
 
 (Enter Violet, ushering Horace, l.) 
 
 Horace. Mr. Jerome, 'scuse me, suh, but this is a pack- 
 age for you from the printer's, suh. 
 
 (Puts down bundle. Worden, who is talking to Locke, 
 pretends not to notice.') 
 
 Jerome (to Mary). Get him away, quick. 
 Mary. John, I think you had better go back now to your 
 work. You have rested long enough. 
 27 
 
THE FBESSMAN 
 
 WORDEN. Yes, miss. Thank you. 
 
 (^Exit, R.) 
 
 Jerome. Much obliged, Horace, 
 
 Horace. Yaas, suh. Reckon you all gwine to make the 
 
 freshmen feel mighty sore with them posters. 
 Stevens. Sh-h. {Gives him money.) 
 Horace. Yaas, suh. Ole Horace keep it dark. Trust 
 
 him. 'Cause he's a darkey. Hah J Hah ! 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 Jerome. I hope the freshman didn't see the posters. 
 Stevens. He didn't. I was watching him. 
 Mary. Is he really a freshman ? 
 Jerome. Certainly. 
 
 Mary. Why, the deceitful 
 
 Jerome. What ? 
 Mary. Nothing. 
 Miss Porter. Good-bye, Miss Locke. I hope you find 
 
 your bricklayer attractive. 
 Mary. Good-bye. Good-bye, Judith. Good-bye, Mr. 
 
 McGrath. 
 
 {Exeunt Judith, Miss Porter and McGrath, l.) 
 
 Locke. Don't go yet, Griggs. I want to talk to you. 
 Come into my st;udy. 
 
 {Exeunt Locke and Griggs, r.) 
 
 Stevens. Do you mind if we hide these posters in your 
 garden till to-night? 
 
 Mary. No. But I don't want to be an accessory, so I'll 
 leave you. Good-bye. Come again, won't you ? 
 {Exit,-L. Jerome and Sth.vens take plants from pile 
 of bricks, up R., put posters on ground in corner, cover 
 them with bricks, and set plants in front of and on top 
 of them. Mary amused.) Those old bricks came in 
 handy, didn't they? 
 
 Jerome. There. No one will find that. 
 
 Stevens. How about the freshman ? 
 
 Jerome. Oh, if he was too thick-headed to get on when he 
 saw the bundle, he'll never have the wit to find them 
 here. Now about two in the morning, when all the 
 world's asleep, we'll come and get them. 
 28 
 
TBB FBESHMAN 
 
 {Exeunt, l.) 
 
 (Enter Worden, r., wheeling wheelbarrow with bricks 
 in it.") 
 
 Worden. I wonder where I am to put these bricks. There 
 are some over there. (^Goes over to where bricks are 
 on the posters. ") No, that's not the place. Just a few 
 odd bricks. {Starts off l. with wheelbarrow. Puts 
 it down.') I guess I had better take those other bricks 
 with me and make the place tidy. ( Goes back to get 
 the bricks.) Hello. What's this? Here they are. 
 The posters ! The fools, they left them here. 
 
 {Brings back barrow, puts in posters and covers them over 
 entirely with bricks. Starts off again at L.) 
 
 {Enter Mary, l.) 
 
 Mary. John, I wish to speak to you. 
 Worden. Yes, miss. 
 
 Mary. John, you should have told me you were a fresh- 
 man. 
 Worden. Well — ah — I thought — it didn't seem necessary. 
 Mary. I'm afraid that's not a very good exciise. Have 
 
 you always been a bricklayer, John ? 
 Worden. No, miss. There were a few months just after 
 
 my birth when I did not lay bricks at all. 
 Mary. That will do. I am inclined to believe you have 
 
 not been a bricklayer very long. Your hands are so 
 
 white and clean. 
 Worden. It's an awful faux pas, isn't it, for a man in my 
 
 menial position to have hands like these ? 
 Mary. Faux pas ! How do you happen to know French 
 
 so glibly ? 
 Worden. It's the name of a brand of bricks, miss. 
 Mary. John — no, I must call you Mr. Worden now that 
 
 you are a freshman — it would be foolish for me to try 
 
 any more missionary work on you. 
 Worden. Then I'll resign from the class. 
 Mary. You mustn't make pretty speeches like that. 
 Worden. I won't, if you will still let me come and lay 
 
 bricks. 
 Mary. Do you like to lay bricks ? 
 Worden. In some places. 
 
 29 
 
THS FBESMMAN 
 
 Mary. No, I can't let you. Every one says the reason I 
 have you here is because you are so good-looking. 
 
 WoRDEN. Whereas the real reason I'm here is because 
 you are so good-looking. 
 
 (JEnter Stevens and Jerome, l.) 
 
 Jerome. I beg your pardon. Miss Locke, but we forgot 
 something this afternoon. Stevens and I are giving a 
 little party at the football game to-morrow, and we 
 want you to go. 
 
 Mary. Why, thank you. Of course I'll go. 
 
 WoRDEN {Jurtively looks over his barrow to see if the 
 posters show. Then takes up barrow and starts oj^T). 
 Good-night, Miss Locke. 
 
 Mary. Just a minute, please. I want to explain some- 
 thing more to you. 
 
 Jerome. We will come for you about three. Judith is 
 coming. 
 
 Mary. That will be very jolly. 
 
 Worden {taking up barrow"). Miss Locke, I'll see you in 
 the morning. I must hurry now. 
 
 B/Iary. Come back, please. I won't be a minute. 
 
 Jerome. Good-bye. I'm so glad you can go. We'll be 
 on hand — unless the freshmen eat us up. 
 
 Mary. Dear me, are they such dangerous creatures this 
 year? 
 
 Stevens. Yes, indeed — they're a bold, bad lot. 
 
 Mary (laughing). You positively frighten me. Do take a 
 brick apiece with you, so they won't hurt you. 
 
 (Takes two bricks from barrow.) 
 
 Stevens. Thank you. 
 
 Mary. John, what is that paper under the bricks ? 
 Worden (covering it up). That is — that is — the rules of 
 the Bricklayers' Union. I have to carry- them always. 
 Mary. Oh, let me see. 
 
 Worden. No, I'm sorry, but it's positively secret. 
 Mary. But I just want to look. 
 Jerome. So do I. 
 
 ( Upsets the wheelbarrow, dumping package of posters on 
 stage.) 
 
 Stevens. Well, Mr. Freshman, we fixed you that time. 
 
 30 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 Mary. What is in that package ? 
 
 Stevens. These are the posters we hid. 
 
 Mary. Oh, you sly little freshman. 
 
 WoRDEN. Well, you beat me that time. Good-bye. 
 
 Stevens (seizing him). No, you don't. You're not going 
 
 to cut and run and tell all the other fresh. 
 Jerome (calling off stage). Oh, Brown. Oh, Smith. Oh, 
 
 Griggs. All — sophomores — out. 
 Voice (in distance'). All — sophomores — out. 
 Voice (farther away). All — sophomores — out. 
 
 (Din, hubbub, heard off scenes, distant. Tin horns, shout- 
 ing, dish-pans, etc. Voices of great crowd gathering, 
 continue till end of act.) 
 
 Jerome. Now part of us will make an onslaught on the 
 freshmen at the printing office, and while that is going 
 on the rest of us will put up posters. Lock this fresh- 
 man up somewhere so he can't give the game away. 
 
 (Stevens and Jerome start off with Worden toward upper 
 L. entrance. Mary stands down R.) 
 
 Mary. Wait. I haven't given him those instructions about 
 the rest of the work here. 
 
 (Stevens and Jerome release Worden, who crosses r. to 
 Mary.) 
 
 Worden (in low tone). Well ? 
 
 Mary. I'm awfully sorry I got you into trouble. I didn't 
 
 mean to. 
 Worden. Oh, that's all right. 
 Mary. No, it isn't. I'm afraid they'll treat you badly. 
 
 They are going to lock you up, but 
 
 Jerome. Come on, fresh. We won't do a thing to you. 
 Mary. But I'll stand by you — John. 
 
 (Mary puts out her hand and he takes it, and they stand 
 smiling at each other.) 
 
 curtain 
 
ACT III 
 
 SCENE. — End of the astronomy lecture-room. Black- 
 boards and charts on walls. Up v.. a large fiat-topped 
 desk and a chair behind it. Doors R. , l. and C. Win- 
 dow L., or in flat, L. c. Lightsup. Worden, Jerome 
 and Stevens discovered. 
 
 Jerome. Now then, fresh, you stay here until all the fun 
 is over. You put four or five of the men out in that 
 entry, Stevens (^points l.); and some under that win- 
 dow. {Points to window. ") This door to the observa- 
 tory is locked. {Tries door, c.) And we'll guard the 
 hall here. {Goes r.) He's snug as a bug in a rug. 
 
 Stevens. You bet you. Ta-ta, fresh. 
 
 {Exeunt Jerome, r., and Stevens, l.) 
 
 Worden. This is a beautiful mess. If I can only get 
 away from here. {Looks about him.') I wonder how 
 about this door ? {Opens door, r.) 
 
 Voice {without). Close that door, fresh. 
 
 Worden. Yes, sir. Beg your pardon. 
 
 {Goes to other door, l., and opens that.) 
 
 Voice {without). Close it tight, fresh. 
 Worden. Yes, sir. Sorry to bother you. {Tries door at 
 c, which is locked.) Well, I guess I'm here to stay. 
 
 {Enter Violet, l.) 
 
 Violet {calling off). Oh, I won't detain him a minute, 
 Mr. Stevens. {To Worden.) Now then, Mr. Smarty 
 Bricklayer, you have got yourself in a nice fix, ain't 
 you? Well, I just came to say that if you expect 
 mother to keep your dinner waiting for you, you are 
 very much mistaken. We ain't going to grovel down 
 on our knees in the dirt to every bricklayer we meet. 
 
 Worden. Well, I can't get there now, can I ? 
 
 Violet. That's none of our affair. And mother says you 
 can consider your week up of a Thursday. 
 
 32 
 
TEE FRESHMAN 
 
 WORDEN. All right. And here's a quarter. Have my 
 dinner sent over, Violet. 
 
 Violet (taking quarter). Pardon me, Mr. Worden, I mis- 
 judged you. I shall certainly send over your dinner. 
 And would you prefer ham or tripe ? 
 
 Worden. In that case I firmly believe there is no prefer- 
 ence. 
 
 Violet. Yes. Good-bye, Mr. Worden. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 Worden. The power of gold. (^Nbise at door, up c.) 
 What can that be? (Door at c. opens and enter 
 Mary, i^arrying package.) Why, Miss Locke ! 
 
 (Worden takes off hat and lays it on desk.) 
 
 Mary (excitedly). Yes. It's I. I knew they put you 
 here. It was my fault they got you. Oh, yes, it was. 
 I couldn't eat any dinner for thinking of it. I wanted 
 to help you. Now, let me help you to get away. 
 
 Worden. You can't do that. 
 
 Mary. Yes, I can. I knew father had the observatory 
 key. I got it. The sophomores let me pass. I knew 
 that once in the observatory (points c), you could get 
 down here. So I came. And you're going back the 
 way I came, — to tell the freshmen. 
 
 Worden. Impossible. They'll catch me at the outer 
 door. And then everybody will know you did it. 
 
 Mary. No, they won't; I have it all arranged. 
 
 Worden. Now, please. Miss Locke, go back. I don't 
 want you to be caught interfering in a class fight. 
 Think what people will say. Please go back. 
 
 Mary. John Worden, don't boss me. I'm not going. 
 And I don't care what people say; you're going to tell 
 the freshmen, and get them to the campus as quickly 
 as you can. 
 
 Worden. But it's impossible. I can't get away. 
 
 Mary. Oh, I don't know. (Draws bundle from under 
 her long coat, and throws it on floor at his feet.) 
 Fortunately there was a shower, so I could wear this 
 long coat. There, try that, 
 
 Worden. What is it ? 
 
 Mary. A skirt. 
 
 Worden. And I am to put it on ? 
 
 33 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 Mary. Well, I certainly did not bring it here to sell it. 
 
 WoRDEN. But what is the object ? 
 
 Marv. Oh, don't be so stupid. Put it on. How are you 
 going to pass the men down-stairs if you aren't dis- 
 guised ? (WoRDEN takes off his coat, lays it on desk 
 and prepares to get into skirt.') Oh, over your head, 
 foolish. Don't try to step into it. Here, let me show 
 you. 
 
 (^Throws it over her head. She takes it off and hands it to 
 him.) 
 
 WoRDEN. It is simple, isn't it ? (Settling skirt about him.) 
 Mary. There, you're a perfect lady, aren't you? It's 
 frightfully dark on the campus to-night. They'll never 
 know you. {Noise at l.) What's that ? 
 WoRDEN. Hide there. 
 
 (Points to desk, r. Mary runs up and crouches behind 
 desk. Worden follows her and sits in chair behind 
 desk, so that skirt is hidden. His elbows are on desk, 
 in despairing attitude.) 
 
 (Enter Stevens, l.) 
 
 Stevens. Did you order dinner ? 
 
 Worden. Yes. 
 
 Stevens. Well, it has come. I'll send Horace up with it. 
 
 And I'll keep you company, to see that you and Horace 
 
 don't make any plans to leave. 
 Worden. All right. (^a;/V Stevens, l.) They're coming 
 
 right up. Now run away and get out of this. It's too 
 
 late for me to escape. 
 Mary. Oh, no. It's just getting exciting. (Takes off 
 
 her coat.) Put this on. 
 Worden. I won't ! 
 Mary. You will ! 
 Worden. I will not ! 
 Mary. John ! 
 Worden. Mary ! 
 Mary. Don't call me Mary. 
 Worden. I will ! I'm not a bricklayer any more. 
 Mary. Well — if you call me Mary, you must do this for 
 
 me. (Throws coat about him. Tears scarf from her 
 
 shoulders and puts it over his head.) Now, go. Up 
 
 34 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 the stairs to the observatory, and down to the other 
 door; and don't close this door, because it locks on 
 the inside. 
 
 WoRDEN. You're a brick. 
 
 Mary. Brick ! Don't be forever talking shop. Good-bye. 
 
 WoRDEN. Good-bye. 
 
 {Exit, c.) 
 
 Mary. If he can only get by ! I'll give him a good start 
 before I follow. Because, as soon as they see me, 
 they'll suspect a trick. (^Goes to window and waits.) 
 There he goes. Oh, they are taking off their hats to 
 him. Lovely. They think he's I. Oh, he's through ; 
 he's through. I've beaten them. Hooray! (Horace 
 heard singing at l.) What's that ? Oh, here comes 
 his dinner. I must go. (Runs to door at c.) No, 
 it's too soon. I must wait. I won't spoil it all now. 
 I must hide here. {Hides behind desk. ) 
 
 (Enter Horace, l., carrying tray.) 
 
 Horace. Whah's you, Marse Worden? Ole Horace's 
 eyes ain't much 'count in dis yere dim light. Marse 
 Worden, here's yo' dinnah. I never heard of a fresh- 
 man that wouldn't jump when you say dinnah. Din- 
 nah ! Dinnah ! Dinnah, Marse Worden. No 'sponse. 
 Why, he ain't yere. And the little do' to the garret am 
 wide open, and there's his hat and co't. (Goes to 
 door, L.) Marse Stevens, he's gone. 
 
 (Enter Stevens, l.) 
 
 Stevens. What ? 
 
 Horace. He's gone. Up the stairs to the garret, I guess. 
 
 Stevens. We'll get him. Close that door, Horace. 
 
 (Exit Stevens, l.) 
 
 Horace (closing door, c). I don't see the use of makin' 
 all this how-dy-do 'bout a no-'count bricklayer. I seen 
 boys payin' their intuition in all so'ts o' ways, but I 
 'clare this yere's the fust time I ever seen it done by 
 layin' bricks. An' as Marse Stevens says, Fse been 
 janitor e-meritus yere nigh on to fifty years. No, sir. 
 Ole university couldn't run without Horace. And I 
 don't 'prove o' bricklayers. 
 
 35 
 
TSE FRESHMAN 
 
 (Enter Stevens, l.) 
 
 Stevens. He's gone, Horace. {Opens door, R.) Oh, 
 Jerome. 
 
 {Exit Horace l. Enter Jerome, r.) 
 
 Jerome. What's up? What's wrong ? 
 
 Stevens. He's gone. 
 
 Jerome. What ! 
 
 Stevens. Dressed as a girl. Up those stairs and through 
 the observatory. Fooled every one. 
 
 Jerome. How long since? 
 
 Stevens. I saw him less than five minutes ago. 
 
 Jerome. Quick ! I know where he is ! Run for the tele- 
 phone, College Hall. First thing he' 11 do is tele- 
 phone down to the rest of the fresh. Take some peo- 
 ple and get him before he gets them. 
 
 {Exit Stevens, l., shouting. Noise at r. of men talking, 
 which dies away.) 
 
 {Enter McGrath, r.) 
 
 McGrath. What's wrong? 
 
 Jerome. Fresh got away. 
 
 McGrath. What? {Grabbing ^'Ekome.') Come on, let's 
 
 get him. I'll crush him into small bits with my thumb 
 
 and first finger. What you waiting for ? 
 Jerome. We're staying here. He may still be hiding 
 
 about, hoping we'll all go. But come on, we aren't 
 
 doing any good here. 
 
 {Exeunt, R.) 
 
 (Mary comes from behind desk and goes to door at c.) 
 
 Mary. If I could only get to him and warn him. {Tries 
 door.) It's locked. I'm caged in. What can I do? 
 If I go out either of those other ways, they'll get me. 
 What if they do ? That's it. That's it. I'll let them 
 get me. They'll think it's John. It's very dark in 
 that hall and he'll get away. {Futs on Worden's 
 coat and hat and dashes to R.) If I can only make it 
 work. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 
 {Enter Locke atid Griggs, l.) 
 Locke. Griggs, hasn't it occurred to you that there's an 
 
 36 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 extraordinary amount of disturbance among the students 
 to-night ? 
 
 Griggs. Yes, sir. They're having their poster rush. 
 
 Locke. Poster rush ! Humph I Griggs, how can these 
 men diligently prepare their lessons, to say nothing of 
 preparing for their life work, if they are out pinching 
 each other's noses all night ? 
 
 Griggs. They can't, Professor. 
 
 Locke. I thought not. Now where is my key to the ob- 
 servatory ! It's clearing up and I am sure we shall find 
 Jupiter in fine form to-night. Griggs, I'm glad you 
 don't engage in poster rushes. A person of your dili- 
 gence and application is an ornament to the university. 
 You are what a typical college man should be. 
 
 Griggs. I take pride in the fact, sir, that I am. 
 
 Locke. Now, this Worden — the one we saw laying bricks. 
 He's a worthless one, I'm afraid. He'll never amount 
 to anything. Why, this morning when I was demon- 
 strating that exquisite proof of a quadratic of the nth 
 degree, he went to sleep. Sound asleep. 
 
 Griggs. It seems incredible that such depravity should 
 exist, sir. 
 
 Locke. Mr. Griggs, I wish you'd tell me something. You 
 know my daughter, Mary. Now, why is it that every 
 young man who likes my daughter hates mathematics, 
 and every one that likes mathematics my daughter — er 
 {looks at Griggs) dislikes. How do you account for it ? 
 
 Griggs {embarrassed'). Well, really. Professor, I don't 
 know. I 
 
 Locke. I know; you don't like to speak out. But you've 
 noticed it. I can see you have. It worries me some- 
 times. Now if she should take it into her head to 
 marry a man like this Worden, for example, it would 
 bring down my gray hairs in sorrow to the grave. 
 
 Griggs. Put that out of your mind. Professor ; she wouldn't 
 do anything like that. 
 
 Locke. Oh, no, I was only joking. Dear me, no, she's 
 too fond of a good time. She's more likely to marry 
 the millionaire, eh ? 
 
 Griggs. Oh, really. Professor 
 
 Locke {chuckling as he unlocks door c). And then we 
 could have our new telescope in the observatory, eh, 
 Griggs ? Well, well, that wouldn't be so bad, eh ? 
 
 37 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 {Exeunt Griggs and Locke, c.) 
 
 {Noise off stage, R. The door is thrown open attdM.A.^^ is 
 thrust in. She still wears Worden's hat and coat. 
 She slips behind door as ]^^ou^ puts his head in. He 
 does not see her as he speaks.) 
 
 Jerome. There you are, freshman. You're clever, but it 
 didn't work. (Stands with hand on door and calls 
 off ■&.') Go on, McGrath, quick. Head off the others 
 and say we've got him here all right. 
 
 (Exit Jerome, closing door behind him, and without looking 
 at Mary.) 
 
 Mary. Oh, but it did work beautifully, Mr. Jerome, beau- 
 tifully, if you only knew it. Thank goodness that hall 
 was dark as a pocket. Now they will call off the oth- 
 ers and he will get away. If it is not too late. But 
 suppose they already have him ? I must get away. 
 [Goes to door at l. Noise of voices and shouting 
 without.) What's that? 
 
 {She hides behind desk. Voices louder.") 
 
 {Enter Stevens, and Worden, l. ; Worden carrying skirt 
 and Mary's lo7ig coat.) 
 
 Stevens. Well, fresh, you're pretty nifty, but we foxed 
 you. (Worden appears dejected.) Always make it a 
 rule not to try to beat out a sophomore. There is no 
 one in the world that has more brains than a sopho- 
 more, unless it is a man who has been a sophomore 
 twice — like me. 
 
 {Exit Stevens, l.) 
 
 Mary {rising and coming down). Oh, John, I am so 
 sorry. I did my best. 
 
 Worden. Mary, you still here ? 
 
 Mary. Yes. 
 
 Worden {seizing both her hands). I did it. I did it. 
 The sophs don't know it, but I telephoned the fresh- 
 men. 
 
 Mary. Oh, did you ? Did you ? I love that. 
 
 Worden. I can hardly wait for the noise to begin. 
 
 38 
 
TSE FRESHMAN 
 
 Mary. Isn't it exciting? But don't you think you've held 
 
 my hands long enough? 
 WoRDEN. No. Do you? 
 Mary {iro7iically). Of course not. But I need them to 
 
 fix my hair. 
 Worden. Tell me, then, the instant you are through. 
 
 (Releases her hands.) 
 
 Mary. I don't treat you at all like a bricklayer. I wish 
 
 you would remember your social position is infinitely 
 
 below mine. 
 Worden. I try to, always. But it's so hard to be humble, 
 
 unless you're used to it. (Laughs.) 
 Mary. John Worden, I know you aren't a bricklayer. I 
 
 saw the bricks you laid. 
 Worden. That's the most modern way. 
 Mary. You're a fraud. I despise you. 
 Worden. Oh, no, you don't. {Tries to take her hands.) 
 Mary. Yes, I do. Besides, I told you not to hold my 
 
 hands. 
 Worden. Suppose we compromise on one. 
 Mary. We'll do nothing of the sort. I hate the touch of 
 
 you. Besides, the brick dust makes me sneeze. 
 Worden. Which is very healthy. How did you muss 
 
 your hair ? 
 Mary (coming close to him). Do you want me to tell you ? 
 Worden. That was my main motive for asking. 
 Mary. Well, I've been in an encounter with sophomores. 
 
 I let them catch me — so they wouldn't get you. Wasn't 
 
 that brave of me ? 
 Worden (taking her hands'). You fine little person ! 
 Mary. My hands, John ! 
 Worden. Yes, I'm taking care of them. 
 Mary. You haven't been given permission. 
 Worden. May I ? 
 Mary. For how long ? 
 Worden. Why, always. 
 
 (Noise without, coming nearer.) 
 
 Voices (without, singing, to the old tune, " Where, oh, 
 where are the Hebrew children ?"): 
 
 39 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 Where, oh, where are the poor old sophomores ? 
 Where, oh, where are the poor old sophomores ? 
 Where, oh, where are the poor old sophomores ? 
 Lost, lost, all the sophomore class ! 
 
 WoRDEN. Hurray ! they've come. It's the freshmen. 
 
 Listen ! 
 A Voice {off stage, as far away as will permit words to 
 
 be heard). What's the matter with the freshmen ? 
 Crowd (off). They're all right ! 
 Voice. Who are all right ? 
 Crowd. The freshmen ! 
 
 (Singing again — " Where, oh, where," etc., growing fainter.) 
 
 WoRDEN (goes to window) . Look ! there they go across 
 the campus. 
 
 (Confused noise of shouting and cheering, "Rah, Hah, 
 Rah," etc., far off.) 
 
 (Enter l^vsmx. and McGrath, r., with torn jerseys and 
 trousers.) 
 
 Jerome (crossing and opening door at l.). Sophomores 
 out. The freshmen are on the campus. (Shouting 
 and hubbub at l. Jerome runs back toward R. , catches 
 sight of WoRDEN at window.) Go on out now, fresh, 
 and get in the fight. Who's that with you ? 
 
 Mary. It's I. 
 
 Jerome. Mary Locke ? So you're the one that did this ? 
 Well, I'm ashamed of you. I thought you were a 
 friend of ours. 
 
 (Exeunt McGrath and Jerome, r.) 
 
 Mary. There will be no posters put up to-night. 
 
 WORDEN. And we are responsible for that. 
 
 Mary. Just you and I. 
 
 WoRDEN (taking her hands). Mary, I want to ask you a 
 question, if it's perfectly convenient. 
 
 Mary. Do you always have to hold my hands to ask a 
 question ? 
 
 Worden. This particular sort of question, yes. 
 
 Mary. Go ahead. Don't let me interfere with your com- 
 fort. 
 
 40 
 
THE FBESHMAN 
 
 WoRDENi The question is simple and direct. Would you 
 
 consider marrying a bricklayer ? 
 Mary. I have always wanted to marry a bricklayer. Why 
 
 do you ask? 
 WoRDEN {taking her in his arms). Nothing. I was just 
 
 curious. 
 Mary. Men ask such foolish questions. 
 Voice (in distance). All — freshmen — out ! 
 Mary. Listen ! 
 
 WoRDEN. Good-bye. I must go. 
 Mary. Don't go. 
 
 WoRDEN. I must. My country calls. {Laughs.) 
 Mary. Then wear this. 
 
 (Ties hanker chief about his arm.) 
 
 WoRDEN. Good-bye, sweetheart. And should I never 
 return 
 
 Mary. I'll wear black. I look perfectly beautiful in it, 
 anyway. 
 
 WoRDEN. And remember I died fighting bravely. 
 
 Mary. Oh, you are foolish — ^but you are very nice. Good- 
 bye. (Exit WoRDEN, r. Mary goes to window.) 
 There he goes. Oh, please, please don't kill him. I 
 want him again. 
 
 (Enter Judith and Miss Porter, r.) 
 
 Judith. We can see finely from these windows. Miss 
 
 Porter. (Sees Mary.) Oh, Mary, you here ! Have 
 
 you heard the great news ? 
 Mary. About the posters ? 
 Judith. Oh, no. Isn't it a shame the freshmen were 
 
 warned ? But this news beats that. 
 Mary. Well, let's hear it. 
 Miss Porter. I know you'll be perfectly astonished. We 
 
 know who the millionaire freshman is. Fawncy that ! 
 Mary. Oh, I don't care. I shan't look at him. 
 Judith. Oh, I shall. 
 Miss Porter. And I. My brother says this is a chawnce 
 
 of a lifetime. And I shall claim first rights to him — 
 
 because I discovered him. 
 Mary. What is his name ? 
 Judith. There ! I knew she would ask that. Trying so 
 
 hard, aren't you, not to seem interested ? 
 
 41 
 
THE FBESHMAN 
 
 Miss Porter. His name is John Worden. 
 
 Mary. John Worden ! 
 
 Miss Porter. Yes. What's the matter ? 
 
 Judith. Mary ! What are you blushing about ? 
 
 Mary. Nothing. Nothing. The name sounded familiar. 
 
 Judith. That is what I thought. 
 
 (^Enter Locke and Griggs, c.) 
 
 Locke. Why, how do you do, ladies? What are you 
 doing here ? 
 
 (Griggs stands on one foot and then on the other, and 
 finally escapes at l.) 
 
 Mary. Oh, we have just come out to have a view of the 
 rush between the freshmen and sophomores. Don't 
 you hear them ? 
 
 {Noise of cheering, far off.) 
 
 Locke. Disgusting. 
 
 Miss Porter. Oh, Professor Locke, we have just discov- 
 ered who the freshman millionaire is. I had a letter 
 from my brother, who knows him. 
 
 Locke. Is it possible? Then I suppose one of you has 
 decided to marry him, for the good of the university. 
 
 Judith. We are all going to fight for him — except Mary. 
 
 Locke (smiles). If Mary doesn't marry him I shall con- 
 sider her an undutiful daughter. 
 
 (Enter, R., Jerome and McGrath, in rags and tatters.) 
 
 Judith (turning to Jerome). Oh, "Pick," you are a 
 
 sight. Who won ? 
 McGrath (crossing to L.). The old clothes man, I think. 
 
 I guess Horace gets these trousers to-morrow. 
 
 (Enter Worden, r., and Stevens, l., with clothes torn. 
 Griggs follows Stevens; he is in same clothes as 
 before.) 
 
 Mary (to Worden, down c). Oh, John, are you hurt? 
 Worden. Not much. (Crosses to Mary, tip l. c.) 
 Miss Porter. The disgusting bricklayer. 
 
 42 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 Stevens. He put up a game fight, all right. He did a 
 few things to me. I guess you wanted to get even, 
 didn't you ? 
 
 WoRDEN. Well, I tried to make a fair beginning at it. 
 
 (All laugh.) 
 
 Jerome. Let's give the freshman a yell. 
 
 Oskee-wow-wow ! Whiskee-wow-wow ! Holy 
 Mack-el-eye ! Boom ! Worden ! Worden ! 
 Worden ! 
 
 Jerome. 
 
 Stevens. 
 
 Griggs. 
 
 Miss Porter. Why, that's John Worden ! 
 
 ( Whispers to Locke.) 
 
 Locke. Gentlemen, it has at last leaked out, Mr. Worden 
 
 is the millionaire. 
 McGrath. Is that right? 
 Worden. I'm afraid so. My father is one. 
 McGrath. Then lend me a nickel, won't you ? I want to 
 
 buy some safety-pins. 
 Worden. As announcements seem in order, let me further 
 
 announce that I am going to marry the most beautiful 
 
 girl in Lakeville. 
 Mary. I wonder if he means me ? 
 
 (Looks at Worden, tenderly. He takes her hand and 
 draws her to him.) 
 
 McGrath. Thank you, Worden. I win a pair of gloves 
 
 on that. I wish I'd made it a suit of clothes. 
 MarV. Oh, John, I liked you better as a bricklayer. 
 Worden. I couldn't like you any better than I do right 
 
 now. 
 Miss Porter. Do you know, I had a feeling all along he 
 
 wasn't a common bricklayer. 
 Mary. He wasn't. He was a very uncommon bricklayer. 
 
 But he's not going to lay any more bricks. He's going 
 
 to be a 
 
 Worden. A freshman, Mary. 
 
 (Puts his arm around her.) 
 43 
 
THE FRESHMAN 
 
 
 Picture 
 
 
 JDesk 
 
 Locke Mary 
 
 WORDEN 
 
 Miss Porter 
 Judith 
 Jerome 
 
 McGrath 
 Griggs 
 Stevens 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 44 
 
The Sophomore 
 
The Sophomore 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTERS 
 
 Robert Stewart, ihe Sophomore, star full-back on football 
 team. 
 
 "Bud "Kennedy Captain football team 
 
 " Kink " Bannister ■) 
 
 "Reddy" SIMMS [ • • • • • More Sophomores 
 
 "Dutch" Hendricks } 
 
 " Buster " Brown Manager of the team 
 
 Livingstone Head coach of the team 
 
 "Owl" Griggs A " greasy grind" 
 
 Prof. Alden, M. A., B. B., . . . Professor of Physics 
 
 Hope Alden His daughter 
 
 " Aunt Mary " Scott ) d / ^- s au 
 
 "Cousin Matilda "DwiGGiNS } " R^t^t^^" of Aldens 
 
 Violet Servant at Aldens' house 
 
 Place — Lakeville University. 
 Time — Late November. 
 
 Time in Representation — Two hours. 
 
 Note. — By omitting Griggs' part in Act III until his 
 entrance on page 40, Livingstone and Griggs may be taken 
 by one person. Also as many " Sophomores " as available 
 may be utilized to help fill the stage in Acts I and III when 
 all the men are on together. 
 
 3 
 
COSTUMES 
 
 Stewart. Act I. — Well dressed, wearing hat or cap with 
 "L" on it. Act II. — May be same as Act I, no cap. 
 Act III. — Football costume, covered with dust or 
 powder, heavy gray blanket on first entrance. 
 
 Kennedy. Act I and II. — Well dressed, wearing hat or 
 cap with "L" on it. Act III. — Football costume, 
 heavy gray blanket. 
 
 Bannister, Simms, Hendricks. Act I and II. — Fairly 
 well dressed but with campus eccentricity — that is, 
 flannel shirts or sweaters, caps, brilliant hosiery, well 
 turned up trousers. CCorduroy trousers are worn by 
 many college boys.) Act III. — Better dressed, with 
 collars, ties, and neater suits. 
 
 "Buster" Brown. Acts I and II. — Fat individual, well 
 dressed, hat or cap. Act III. — Very nattily dressed, 
 carrying cane. 
 
 Livingstone. Well dressed, bright vest, may have closely 
 cropped moustache, wears derby hat and carries cane. 
 Same costume throughout. 
 
 Griggs. Dressed neatly, wears spectacles with large lenses, 
 combs his hair so it falls over one eye. 
 
 Alden. Act I. — Frock coat, gray trousers, spectacles. 
 Powders hair at temples. Act III. — Wears gray over- 
 coat and felt hat. 
 
 Hope. Act I. — Wears suit, hat and gloves, carries parasol. 
 Act II. — Simple indoor gown. Act III. — May be 
 similar to Act I. May wear furs or fur coat, and 
 bunch of violets. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Act II. — Plain, dark indoor costume, rings, 
 chain about neck to watch at belt. Act III. — Dark 
 suit, furs, hat. Age about forty. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Act II. — Neat indoor costume, hair 
 brushed severely back, glasses. Act III. — Dark suit, 
 small, unbecoming hat, tightly rolled umbrella. Age 
 thirty-five. 
 
 Violet. Act II. — Black skirt and shirt-waist, white apron, 
 hair dressed fantastically, cheap jewelry. Act III. — 
 Overdressed, wearing ill-fitting suit, hat of many colors 
 and many yards of Lakeville ribbon. 
 
PROPERTIES 
 
 Act I 
 Books, chalk, papers and books. Dress-suit case. 
 
 Act II 
 
 Two pieces of embroidery and one frame, cigarette, waste 
 paper basket, tongs, books, paper-weights, paper cutter, 
 physics book, pencil, ice-water pitcher, flowers, vase, folded 
 paper, supposed to contain examination questions, box of 
 matches. 
 
 Act III 
 
 Blankets, muff, telephone, flags on walls. 
 
 SCENE PLOTS 
 
 Act I 
 
 Scene. — Physics class-room at Lakeville University. 
 Furnishings as indicated, also charts, etc., on walls, if 
 desired. 
 
SCENE PLOTS 
 
 Act II 
 
 CHAIR 
 
 Scene. — Study of Professor Alden's house. Screen up r., 
 near door. Fireplace, r. (or mantelpiece). Furnishings as 
 indicated, also pictures, books, ornaments, etc. Tongs 
 should be near fireplace. Match-box on mantel. Water 
 pitcher on table. Waste paper basket under desk, l. 
 
 Act III 
 
 TELEfHONl 
 
 ^/^O 
 
 Scene. — Office of Athletic Association, overlooking foot- 
 ball field. Telephone on desK. Flags, pictures of teams, 
 trophies, etc., on walls. 
 
The Sophomore 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE. — The physics class-room at Lakevilk University. 
 Discovered, "Bud" Kennedy, "Reddy" Simms, 
 "Kink" Bannister, "Buster "Brown," Owl" 
 Griggs, and " Dutch " Hendricks. Griggs is study^ 
 ingfrom book. The rest are all talking at once. 
 
 Simms (shouting above the din). I tell you that we've got 
 
 to go some to beat Northminster to-morrow. 
 All. Come off. Chuck it. Pull down your vest. 
 Brown. You're a c-crazy, Simms. "Much 1-1-learning 
 
 hath made thee muh-muh-mad." 
 Simms. I know what I'm talking about. The Northminster 
 
 backfield is the fastest in the Middle West. 
 Bannister {derisively'). Oh, cripes ! Catch me lest I 
 
 faint. " The best in the Middle West." 
 Simms {with dignity'). That's what I said. 
 Bannister {triumphantly). I saw them play. They 
 
 played like the scrub team from an old ladies' home. 
 Simms. Oh, you don't know anything about it. 
 Brown. Huh-huh — say, Simms. Huh — Stewart could 
 
 1-lick their whole team s-s-single-handed to-morrow. 
 Simms. Stewart ! Stewart ! You fellows think Stewart is 
 
 the angel Gabriel and Saint Peter combined. 
 Bannister. He's better than that. He is the all-American 
 
 full-back. 
 Brown. Well, Kuh-Kennedy, you're the cuh-cuh-captain 
 
 of the t-t — of the team. Who do you s-say is going to 
 
 win to-morrow ? 
 Kennedy. Oh, Lakeville will trim 'em. The big game 
 
 is on Thanksgiving day with Wilton. If we win that 
 
 we can claim the championship. 
 
 {Enter Professor Alden, l.) 
 7 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 A.LL. 'Morning, 'Fessor. 
 
 Alden. Good-morning, gentlemen. 
 
 Bannister. Going to the game to-morrow, 'Fessor? 
 
 Alden. No, I regret to say I siiali be unable to be present 
 on that occasion. 
 
 Brown. Don't you 1-like football, 'Fessor? 
 
 Alden. I have never been elevated to that same pitch of 
 enthusiasm by it that I have at times observed among 
 the undergraduate body. Somehow, it does not pro- 
 duce that thrill of enjoyment that it should. (Looks 
 all about hijnS) Now where did I put my record- 
 book? 
 
 Brown. I-i-it's under y-your arm, P-p-professor. 
 
 Alden. Ah, yes, to be sure. Thank you. {Raps on 
 desk.') Gentlemen, you will be in order, please. Mr. 
 Brown, put up your paper. Mr. Bannister, you are 
 not assisting Mr. Griggs by putting his hat out the 
 door. Now, before we take up the subject of Force 
 and Work, I wish to ask a few questions on Light. 
 
 All. Aw, you didn't tell us this was going to be a reci- 
 tation. 
 
 Alden. Mr. Griggs, did I say this was to be a recitation ? 
 
 Griggs. Yes, sir. 
 
 All. Aw — you mucker. Greasy grind. 
 
 Alden. Gentlemen, order, please. {Looks down list.') 
 Mr. Brown. 
 
 All. Hard luck. Cheer up, old man, etc. 
 
 Alden. Quiet, please. (Brown stands up.) Mr. Brown, 
 what is the cause of the Aurora Borealis ? 
 
 Brown. The Au-au-aurora B-b-borealis ? 
 
 Alden. Yes. 
 
 Brown {sparring for time). The c-c-cause, did you say ? 
 
 Alden. Yes, Mr. Brown, the cause. 
 
 Bannister {in loud ■whisper'). Tell it to him. Brown. 
 
 Brown (aside). Huh-huh-help me out, some one. 
 
 (Silence.) 
 
 Alden (with a touch of sarcasm). Come, come, don't be 
 
 embarrassed. We're all friends here. 
 Brown (desperately). May I duh-duh-draw a duh-duh- 
 
 diagram ? 
 Alden. If you like. 
 
 8 
 
TBE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Bannister. That's right. Don't let him bluff you. 
 Buster. 
 
 (Brown goes to board and draws horizontal line which he 
 carefully marks A at one end, B at the other.') 
 
 Brown. Let the line uh-uh A B r-r-represent the earth's 
 suh-surface. {After some hesitation draws a line CD 
 intersecting it!) Let uh-uh CD represent 
 
 Bannister {prompting). The moon's rays. 
 
 Brown. Let C D ruh-ruh-represent the m-m-moon's rays. 
 
 (Bannister laughs hilariously to himself.) 
 
 Alden. Take your seat, Mr. Brown. I will mark you a 
 nice round zero. (Brown takes seat.) Mr. Bannister. 
 Bannister (rising in fright). Yes, sir. 
 Alden. What is the cause of the Aurora Borealis ? 
 
 (Bannister thinks for a long while.) 
 
 Bannister {blandly). I did know, 'Fessor, but I've for- 
 gotten. 
 
 (Alden lays down his spectacles in astonishment.) 
 
 Alden. Well, well, what a loss to science. The only man 
 that ever knew, and he has forgotten. That will do, 
 Mr. Bannister. (Bannister sits down.) Gentlemen, 
 I see that this quiz is not going to be a success. {Enter 
 Robert Stewart, r. , and tries to slide unnoticed into 
 a seat.) Well, Mr. Stewart? 
 
 Stewart {in some confusion). I — I'm late. Professor. 
 
 Alden. I should think so. What is your excuse ? 
 
 Stewart. My hat blew off coming out of the library. 
 
 Alden. That was your excuse yesterday, Mr. Stewart, and 
 I remember one very like it last week ; you will have 
 to take more interest in your work. Now are the golden 
 years of your life. What you sow now, you will reap 
 an hundredfold in the days to come — as Byron says. 
 I will mark you a zero. {Goes back to desk.) 
 
 Brown. Uh-uh s-s-s-stung you like a bee, suh-suh-Stewart. 
 
 Alden. Quiet, please. We will now take up the subject 
 of Work. When I lift this book — where is that book, 
 I wonder? 
 
 Brown. You're suh-suh-sitting on it, Professor. 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Alden (jetting up). So I am. Thank you, Mr. Brown. 
 As I was saying, when I lift this book, I do work. I 
 exert a force on it. The result of that force is called 
 work. (J^uts down book.') 
 
 Bannister. When you put the book down, Professor, is 
 that work ? 
 
 Alden. No, Mr. Bannister. If it were, you would be the 
 most industrious of men. ( Class goes off into a par- 
 oxysm of labored mirth, which is with difficulty quieted 
 by Alden pounding on the desk.) Quiet, please. As 
 I was saying, the result of any force is called work. 
 When the steam moves the piston-rod, when the cur- 
 rent moves the armature, when the water moves the 
 mill wheel, when the 
 
 (Stewart has meanwhile been engaged in conversation by 
 Kennedy, and is paying no attention to Alden. 
 Alden pauses and frowns at him. Stewart does not 
 observe, and goes on talking.) 
 
 Stewart {to Kennedy). I tell you I can't get around that 
 end unless the interference is faster. Why, great 
 heavens, I trip over them, fall over them, break my 
 neck over them. They've either got to get out of the 
 way, or — or 
 
 {Sees Alden. Straightens in his seat and tries to appear 
 unconcerned. Alden glowers at him for a moment in 
 silence, as if trying to decide how to reprimand him.) 
 
 Alden. Mr. Stewart. 
 
 Stewart {rising slowly). Yes, sir. 
 
 Alden {glaring at him). Mr. Stewart, what is work? 
 
 Stewart. What was the question, Professor ? 
 
 Alden. It's perfectly plain. What is work? 
 
 Stewart {languidly). Oh, most anything is work, Pro- 
 fessor. 
 
 Alden {excitedly). Most anything is work? Most any- 
 thing is This desk, Mr. Stewart {raps sharply 
 
 on the desk with his pencil), is that work? Is that 
 work, Mr. Stewart? 
 
 Stewart. Yes, sir. Professor. That's woodwork. 
 
 (Alden goes back to his desk and makes a mark in his book.) 
 
THE SOPBOMOBE 
 
 Alden. That will do, Mr. Stewart. I wish to see you 
 
 after the class. 
 
 Stewart. I can't do it. I have to 
 
 Alden {severely'). I wish to see you after the class. 
 
 Stewart. Yes, sir. 
 
 Kennedy. Professor Alden, I forgot to tell you ; but the 
 
 Dean said we all might be excused at quarter to one, 
 
 if you were willing. 
 Alden. What is the occasion of this ? 
 Kennedy. The football team is going away, and the whole 
 
 college is going to see them off. 
 Alden (with heavy irony). Of course it would never do 
 
 to let such a minor thing as physics interfere with that. 
 
 {Looks at watch.) But it is quarter of one now. 
 Kennedy. Yes, sir. 
 Alden. Well, then, I suppose you can go. {The instant 
 
 he says this they all make a dash for the door.) Just 
 
 a moment, gentlemen ; I have a few more pearls to cast. 
 
 There will be a quiz on Monday on the subject of 
 
 Light, so come prepared. That will do. Mr. Stewart, 
 
 don't forget I wish to see you. 
 
 {Exeunt all but Alden, Stewart and Kennedy, r.) 
 
 Kennedy. Professor Alden, please don't keep him long. 
 
 He has to go away with the team on the i : 45. 
 Alden. Mr. Kennedy, pray allow me to run my own 
 
 class-room. 
 Kennedy. Yes, sir. Thank yon. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 
 Alden {seating himself). Now, Mr. Stewart, sit down, 
 What did you come to college for ? 
 
 (Stewart sits.) 
 
 Stewart. A liberal education. 
 
 Alden. And you construe liberal to mean "free-and- 
 easy." My dear sir, you are in error. You must 
 begin to be sensible of your manifold responsibilities. 
 Because you promised to keep up in your work, I did 
 not condition you in physics. You haven't kept up in 
 your work. Ergo, I shall report you conditioned in 
 physics — on Monday. 
 
THE BOPHOMOBE 
 
 Stewart. But I can't play in the Thanksgiving game if I 
 have a condition. 
 
 Alden (waving the objection aside). A small matter. 
 
 Stewart (aghast). Small ! 
 
 Alden. Very trivial. Trivial ! However, I will give you 
 an examination on the day before Thanksgiving. 
 
 Stewart. It's too soon. I can't do it. 
 
 Alden. This is my scheme. You lads think we aren't 
 interested in your success, but we are. Come to my 
 house to-day, and stay there until the examination. 
 You will thus be enabled to apply all your spare time 
 to diligent study, and I will be at hand to help you out 
 on any difficult point. 
 
 Stewart. Sorry. Can't do it. Professor Alden. I shall 
 be away with the team to-day, to-morrow and Sunday. 
 
 Alden. Give it up. Stay home. 
 
 Stewart. I can't. 
 
 Alden. Then you won't be able to participate in the 
 Thanksgiving contest. (Takes out watch.) Think it 
 over. I will return in a moment for your answer. I 
 have an appointment with some one somewhere. Let 
 me see, let me see 
 
 (^Exit L., with an air of trying to remember something.) 
 
 Stewart. Old Alden's brain is made of solid granite. 
 (Indignantly.) Going away with the team a trivial 
 matter ! You talk like a section of the Elsie books. 
 
 {Enter Kennedy, r.) 
 
 Kennedy. Hurry up, man. Great heavens, you'll be late. 
 
 Stewart. All right. Just a minute. I have to see Alden. 
 
 Kennedy. You haven't time. (Takes hold of him and 
 tries to take him off.) Let old Alden go now. We 
 can't run any risks of your missing the train. 
 
 Stewart. Now you beat it, Kennedy. Let me alone. If 
 I don't fix it up with Alden, he won't let me play 
 against Wilton. Do you get that ? 
 
 Kennedy (excitedly). He can't do that. Confound it, 
 some of these professors think we come to this uni- 
 versity just to study. 
 
 Stewart. That's all right. I'll fix it up with him. 
 
TBE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Kennedy. You'll have to fix it up with him. The idea 
 of letting physics interfere with football. 
 
 {Exit excitedly, r. ) 
 
 Stewart. I've got to play to-morrow. {Enter Hope 
 Alden, l. Stewart does not observe her. She stops 
 in surprise as she sees him. ) And as for the examina- 
 tion on Wednesday, I'll bluff it through. I must play 
 Thursday. 
 
 Hope. What's this you will bluff through, Mr. Stewart ? 
 
 (Stewart turns in surprise and gazes at her blankly.) 
 Stewart (smiling mechanically'). Why, — ah- 
 
 Hope {pleasantly). You don't remember me at all. 
 
 Stewart {hastily). Oh, yes I do, yes I do. That is, 
 your name is perfectly familiar to me, but I can't re- 
 member your face. {Feels that something is wrong in 
 the speech.) I mean 
 
 Hope {laughing). I know what you mean. You mean 
 you don't know the answer. But what is more to the 
 point, do you know where Professor Alden is ? 
 
 Stewart. He will be back in a moment. {Pause.) Are 
 you — are you 
 
 Hope. Yes, I am. 
 
 Stewart {in surprise). You are what ? 
 
 Hope. I'm his daughter. Or were you going to ask if I 
 was his mother ? 
 
 Stewart. No, I was going to ask if you were his daughter. 
 I thought he only had one — a little girl. 
 
 Hope. Yes, that's all he has. 
 
 Stewart. And you are — you are the little girl with her 
 hair down her back I met a couple of years ago when I 
 was at prep school ? 
 
 Hope. Yes. It was four years ago. But of course that 
 doesn't make any difference. 
 
 Stewart. I am surprised. But then a woman grows up 
 so much more quickly than a man. 
 
 Hope. That's because woman was made out of a man's 
 rib, which is where most of his brains are. What were 
 you going to make such a bluff at when I came into the 
 room? 
 
 Stewart. Your father gave me a big problem to think out. 
 
 13 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Hopje. Thendon'ttrytobluifhim. It won't work. I'vetried 
 
 Stewart. I'm afraid you're right. 
 
 Hope. What's your problem ? I know a lot about physics. 
 Let me help you work it out. 
 
 Stewart. I wish you could. 
 
 Hqpe. I can. (^Goes to blackboard.') Tell me the prob- 
 lem. Let a equal ? ( Writes, " a = ") ^ 
 
 Stewart (thinking a minute). Let a equal — a man. 
 
 Hope. In that case I'll make it a capital A. (Rubs out 
 " a " and writes, " A = a man. ' ') Yes. 
 
 Stewart. Let b equal his knowledge of physics. Make 
 that a very small b, please. 
 
 (Hope writes, " b^:= knowledge of physics.") 
 
 Hope (interrogatively). And let 70 equal a passing mark 
 in an examination? 
 
 Stewart. Exactly. On next Wednesday. Now, your 
 father thinks that the man, A, plus his knowledge of 
 physics, isn't equal to the passing mark, 70. And I've 
 got to prove that he's mistaken. 
 
 Hope. I see. Then the problem is — What unknown quan- 
 tity must we multiply A plus b by to make seventy ? 
 
 Stewart. That's it — what's the unknown quantity ? 
 
 Hope. Then let x equal the unknown quantity. 
 
 'iT^y/f AST (quickly). Or U. (Writes it on the board.) 
 
 Hope (in surprise). U ? 
 
 Stewart. Yes, you. (Points to her.) That's the greatest 
 unknown quantity in the world, ever since Hamlet 
 made love to Portia. 
 
 Hope. What a knowledge you have of Shakespeare. It's 
 a pity you aren't so well up in physics. 
 
 Stewart. I know. I always liked literature best. A fel- 
 low doesn't get all mixed up in it like he does in physics. 
 
 Hope. Let's write then that an unknown quantity, which 
 we will call U, times A plus b equals 70. ( Writes, 
 "U'(A+b) = jo.") There. Isn't that cute? 
 
 Stewart. It looks like an incurable disease to me. But I 
 have a sudden idea. 
 
 Hope. What? 
 
 Stewart. I'll tell you — to-morrow. 
 
 Hope. I wish I could help you to pass the examination. 
 I really do know something about physics, you know. 
 ' Hope's speeches here to be slow and distinct. 
 14 
 
TBE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Stewart. You ought to. 
 
 Hope. But it i% such a short time until Wednesday, lo 
 help you at all, I would have to arrange to see you too 
 often. It would cause comment. 
 
 Stewart. Yes. 
 
 Hope. I'm sorry. I'd love to do it. I know what it 
 means to the university for you to play on Thursday. 
 
 Stewart. That's it. Think of it, Miss Alden j suppose 
 Wilton should come down here on Thanksgiving Day, 
 and beat us. We can't run that risk. I've got to be 
 there. There's no one to take my place. 
 
 Hope. Not a single one ! 
 
 Stewart. Think of the disgrace of a defeat on Thanks- 
 giving Day. 
 
 Hope. And all the Wilton crowd marching down Main 
 Street shouting, "Poor old Lakeville ! " 
 
 Stewart. And a Wilton bonfire on the lot. 
 
 Hope. And the papers next day. 
 
 Stewart. We've got to win. 
 
 Hope. We must. You must be there. 
 
 Stewart. I will be there. 
 
 Hope. Bully for you! {Holds out hand.') Good luck to 
 you. Good-bye. 
 
 Stewart. Are you going to be at home for the next few 
 days? 
 
 Hope. Surely. Come and see me. 
 
 Stewart. Thank you. I hope to. {Exit Hope, l.) In 
 fact, I expect to be there all the time. The unknown 
 quantity U seems to be my salvation. {He walks up 
 and down the room.') Imagine an old fossil like Alden 
 having a daughter like that. {Picks up book from 
 desk.) " Alden's Elementary and Advanced Physics." 
 How could a man who wrote a book like that bring up 
 a girl to be a human being? " Alden's Elementary 
 and Advanced Physics," go to thunder ! 
 
 {He throws the book across the room and hits Kennedy 
 as he enters. ) 
 
 {Enter Kennedy, r.) 
 
 Kennedy. Good shot. Angry at all ? 
 Stewart. Yes. I'm angry. Alden says if I play to-mor- 
 row he'll condition me before Thursday. 
 
 IS 
 
THE SOPSOMORE 
 
 KennedV. He can't. 
 
 Stewart. Yes, he can. And what's more, he will. 
 
 Kennedy (excitedly, pounding table with his fist'). By 
 thunder, if I ever graduate from this university, I'll 
 head an alumni committee to take the power from the 
 professors of running athletics. It's the ignorant fac- 
 ulty vote that kills Lakeville. Physics ! Oh, slush. 
 
 (JETe picks up book and tosses it at Stewart, who catches it 
 and holds it up in front of him.") 
 
 Stewart. Physics, I have to kow-tow to you. The honor 
 of Lakeville is nothing. The prestige of the university 
 is nothing — so long as I know physics. 
 
 (Slams the book down on desk or chair.) 
 
 (Enter Alden, r.) 
 
 Alden. Well, Mr. Stewart, what is your decision ? 
 
 Stewart. There wasn't any decision to make. You have 
 me strung up by the thumbs. 
 
 Alden. Come, come, Mr. Stewart, not that tone. 
 
 Stewart. I have to play on Thanksgiving. If I go away 
 to-day you won't let me. 
 
 Alden. Nor would any other member of the faculty. 
 
 Stewart. Then I must stay here. I accept your offer. 
 (Kennedy groans.) Shut up, Bud. 
 
 Alden. Very good. (Gathers up his books and papers.) 
 Now where are my glasses ? 
 
 Stewart. You've pushed them up on your forehead, sir. 
 
 Alden (adjusting them on his nose). To be sure. Thank 
 you. Sometimes I almost believe I am growing absent- 
 minded. Let me see. What were we discussing ? 
 
 Stewart. My condition in physics. 
 
 Alden. Yes, yes. Come to dinner to-night at six-thirty 
 — no, at six ; that may be the hour. And bring your 
 bag. 
 
 Stewart (to Kennedy). Jail sentence. (To Alden.) 
 Thank you, sir. 
 
 Alden. Not at all. Good-bye. I have to meet my daugh- 
 ter somewhere now. 
 
 (Exit, L.) 
 
 (Enter Livingstone, r.) 
 
 i6 
 
THE SOPSOMOBE 
 
 LiTtNGSTONE. Come on, Stewart. Confound it ! Don't 
 you know enough to get in the 'bus when it's time 
 to go? 
 
 Stewart {quietly). I'm not going. 
 
 Livingstone. The dickens you're not ! Is that your bag ? 
 {Points to dress suit case.) Kennedy, take that out 
 and put it in the express wagon. (Kennedy picks up 
 suit case.) Stewart, come with me. 
 
 {Goes over to take hold of him.) 
 
 Stewart. Livingstone, if you touch me, I'll knock you 
 
 into the middle of next week. 
 Livingstone. What's the matter ? 
 Stewart. Alden says he'll condition me if I go. 
 
 (Kennedy puts down suit case.) 
 
 Livingstone. Alden, Alden. Where's the Faculty Com- 
 mittee ? Where's the Dean ? I'll see who's going to 
 break up my team. I'm not going to be head coach 
 of a kindergarten. {Starts for the door. Kennedy 
 and Stewart catch him.) Well, of all the common, 
 low down tricks. This is the worst milk and water 
 university I ever saw. Let me go. Stay home, Stew- 
 art, stay home. I don't care if we lose. I don't care 
 if we don't score one — darn — point. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 
 Kennedy. Shall I have them leave your football togs here ? 
 
 They're in the wagon now. 
 Stewart. Oh, yes. Bud ; anything. 
 
 {Loud cheers off stage.) 
 
 Kennedy. I've got to go. Good-bye, old man. 
 
 {Exit:) 
 
 Stewart. Good-bye. {Cheer off stage. 0,skee — wow — 
 wow ! Whiskee — wow — wow ! Holy Mack- el — eye ! 
 Boom! Team!.' Team!! Team!!) I'm going. 
 
 17 
 
TSE SOPHOMORE 
 
 (Rushes to door.') Kennedy, Kennedy ! (Rushes A» 
 window.') Kennedy ! Too late ! There they go ! 
 
 (Singing outside. Air, " Glory, glory Hallelujah ! ") 
 
 Everybody whoop for Lakeville ! 
 Everybody whoop for Lakeville ! 
 Everybody whoop for Lakeville ! 
 When the team goes marching on. 
 
 (Enter Brown, r.) 
 
 Brown (excitedly). Cuh-cuh-come on, Stewart, they're off, 
 Stewart. I'm not going. 
 
 Brown (blankly). Oh, m-m-my lord ! Puh-puh-poor old 
 Stewart ! 
 
 (Exit, R., softly.) 
 
 (Singing still continues. ) 
 
 Stewart. Yes. Poor old Stewart — with a capital S. 
 That stands for stung, I guess. (He turns slowly to 
 blackboard, and writes a capital S after the U already 
 there.) U — S — us. Say, that's funny. U stands for 
 Hope. And she promised to help me. By Jove, I 
 wonder if she could. I'll bet she can. (He picks up 
 chalk briskly, draws a line around the US, and comes 
 down, smiling. Takes book and holds it up.) Here's 
 to the two of us together ! We'll win yet ! 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 (The writing on blackboard at close of act should read:) 
 
 A = a man. 
 
 b = knowledge of physics. 
 
 USJ 
 
 U (A+b) =: 70. 
 
 18 
 
ACT II 
 
 SCENE. — Study in Professor Alden's house. Discov- 
 ered^" Aunt Mary " Scott and " Cousin Matilda " 
 DwiGGiNS, embroidering. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. My mother never used an embroidery frame 
 in her life, and she did perfectly beautiful embroidery. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. I know that, Mary Scott, but she used 
 the underhand-overlap stitch, which takes forever to 
 do. The idea of you teaching Hope to embroider 
 without a frame ! It's perfectly ridiculous. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. It's no such thing, Matilda. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Well, I think some care ought to be ex- 
 ercised in bringing up children. They ought not to be 
 sent out into life handicapped with narrow notions. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. It isn't a narrow notion. My mother em- 
 broidered without a frame, and her mother before her, 
 and ^he was a Cunningham. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. I get so sick and tired, Mary Scott, of 
 Cunningham, Cunningham, Cunningham, all day long. 
 You might think Moses and the twelve apostles were 
 Cunninghams to hear you talk. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Now, Cousin Matilda, there's no occasion to 
 be spiteful about it. 
 
 {They embroider in silence for a space.") 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. And another thing I don't like is the 
 way you allow this young man to live here in the house. 
 I think it is most unusual, not to say disgraceful. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. I allow it? Matilda, you must be losing 
 your mind. You know perfectly well that when John 
 Alden says anything you might just as well talk to that 
 sofa as try to show him where he is wrong, and he in- 
 vited the young man here. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Well, I think you ought to assert yourself. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Matilda Dwiggins, I am nothing in this 
 house. What I want doesn't count. My words aren't 
 
 19 
 
TEE SOPSOMOBE 
 
 listened to. I assert myself, indeed ! I am a mere 
 cipher. I don't know what he was thinking of. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Nothing at all, I guess. Why, John Alden 
 is so absent-minded. Hope always has to run after him 
 in the morning to see that he has on his necktie. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. That's just it. He's such a dreamer. Other- 
 wise he wouldn't allow a football player to stay under 
 the same roof with his daughter. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. I don't see why the President of the 
 United States doesn't forbid that game. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. That's what I have always said. Why, 
 Matilda, it's perfectly awful. Twenty-two men all 
 stand in a compact mass around the ball. After a 
 while a man screws up his courage and picks it up, and 
 the other twenty-one men jump on him, and kick him, 
 and bite him until he lets go. Isn't that brutal ? 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. I think it is perfectly barbaric. 
 
 {Enter Stewart, l. Sees ladies. Pauses. Takes cigar- 
 ette from case and puts it in his mouth unlighted.) 
 
 Stewart. Did you ever see anything quite so beautiful as 
 this day? 
 
 (Mrs. Scott begins to cough violently, and Miss Dwiggins, 
 looking up and catching the drift, also bursts into a fit 
 of coughing.") 
 
 Mrs. Scott. That horrid cigarette smoke. 
 Stewart. Oh, my cigarette. I beg your pardon. I see 
 the smoke annoys you. 
 
 {Throws it in waste paper basket. Mrs. Scott makes a 
 wild dive for the basket.') 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Do you wish to have the house afire ? 
 Stewart. Oh, don't trouble. They rarely set fire to the 
 
 basket, and when they do, it's a small matter to dash a 
 
 pitcher of water over it. It's a common occurrence at 
 
 the dormitories. 
 Mrs. Scott. I see it ! Matilda, bring me those fireplace 
 
 tongs. Quick ! It hasn't caught anything yet. 
 Stewart. Perhaps I can help. 
 
 (Miss Dwiggins gives him a scathing glance, and hands 
 Mrs. Scott the tongs. Mrs. Scott takes the cigarette 
 
TEE SOPSOMOBE 
 
 gingerly in the tongs, and passes with dignity toward 
 the door, holding the cigarette, with much ostentation, 
 as far away from her face as possible, so as not to 
 smell it. ) 
 
 [Enter Hope, r., meeting Mrs. Scott.) 
 
 Hope. Why, Aunt Mary, what are you doing ? 
 
 Mrs. Scott. I'm carrying it out. 
 
 Hope. Bob (Begins again.') Mr. Stewart, we will 
 
 have to naake it an absolute rule that you are not to 
 smoke anywhere in the house without permission. 
 
 Stewart. Very good. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. 1 should think so. 
 
 {Exit Mrs. Scott with cigarette, r.) 
 
 Miss Dwiggins {following). He almost set the house on 
 fire. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 
 Hope. Now, Bobby, you'll simply have to stop it. You 
 mustn't tease them any more. Besides, you might 
 have set the house on fire. 
 
 Stewart. It wasn't lighted, Hope. I'm in training, you 
 know. I was only teasing them. Besides, you wouldn't 
 mind a fire. You rent the house furnished. 
 
 Hope. Bobby ! Is that a Christian spirit ? 
 
 Stewart. Oh, I can't be too good. Here I have been 
 slaving my life out for five straight days poling physics. 
 
 Hope. And a lot of good you have done. 
 
 Stewart. Oh, I've learned a lot. 
 
 Hope. You have ? What's the specific gravity of water, 
 then ? 
 
 Stewart {glibly). Point three — two — six — one. 
 
 Hope {stopping her ears). Now, aren't you ashamed ? 
 That doesn't mean a thing. It's probably a football 
 signal. 
 
 Stewart. It is. That's Stewart around right end. For- 
 mation thus. {Explains with books, paper weights 
 and paper cutter on the table.) Line here. Interfer- 
 ence here. Stewart here. The quarter-back gives the 
 signal, the ball is snapped, the 
 
 Hope. Now, Bobby, we're here to study physics. 
 
 Stewart. Excuse me. 
 
 21 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Hope. I got father to put off your examination till to. 
 morrow. That's the very day of the game. Now you 
 must pass it. They can't win the game without you. 
 They almost lost last Saturday because you weren't 
 there. 
 
 Stewart. Oh, I'll pass. 
 
 Hope. Well, you may. You have the facts all stored 
 away, but your mind is a perfect jumble. If you 
 would sit down for about ten hours at a stretch, and 
 comb out your information till you got it to lie straight, 
 there would be some chance to get you through. 
 
 Stewart. I'll do that. We'll begin now. 
 
 Hope. Oh, I know all about you. Nothing less than an 
 earthquake would make you sit still for more than 
 twenty minutes at a time. 
 
 Stewart. Now, try me. 
 
 Hope (opening book). Just about the time we get over one 
 page half the university will come, and you will spend 
 a couple of hours proving you can't possibly fail to pass. 
 
 Stewart. No, I'll come back in ten minutes, and iind you 
 gone down-town shopping. 
 
 Hope. And instead of studying, you'll read a magazine 
 
 till I get back. 
 ■ Stewart. Sure. Can't study all alone. 
 
 Hope. That's the way it's been all the week. When I'm 
 here, you're not ; when you're here, I'm not. 
 
 Stewart. Yes. You might think we were married. 
 
 Hope (hastily). Do you know what's on this page? 
 (Severely.) You're willing to talk about anything 
 but physics. 
 
 Stewart. Well, when two people are so congenial that 
 they avoid each other from habit, don't they usually 
 get married ? 
 
 Hope. Don't know. I never was married. Now come 
 and study your physics. 
 
 Stewart. All right. No fooling now. We are going to 
 get right down to work. This question of specific grav- 
 ity — I know that. First, you take a substance, and 
 weigh it in air. 
 
 (Enter YiOLET, l.) 
 
 Violet. Miss Alden, there's some men at the door. They 
 want to see Mr. Stewart. 
 
 22 
 
THE SOPHOJUOBE 
 
 Stewart. Who are they ? 
 
 Violet. Oh, it's a couple of them Swarthmores. " Bud " 
 Kennedy is one of 'em. 
 
 Hope. Mr. Kennedy. 
 
 Violet {^shifting her chewing gum). Mister Kennedy. 
 
 Stewart. Tell them I'll be down. 
 
 Hope. Have them up here. Bob. I'm going up-stairs. 
 (Exit Violet, l.) And don't be more than ten min- 
 utes. (Going.) 
 
 Stewart. Ne-ver. 
 
 Hope (coming back). And when you want me, will you 
 call me ? 
 
 Stewart {going up close to her). When I want you, did 
 you say? 
 
 Hope {innocently). Why, yes. 
 
 Stewart. Do you mind if I begin calling now ? 
 
 (She strikes him lightly on the cheek with her pencil.) 
 
 Hope. Sil-ly. (Runs to door, r.) Don't be long. 
 
 (Stands at door smiling at him.) 
 
 Stewart. May I call you now ? 
 
 Hope. No. In that case I might — call your bluff. 
 
 (Exit laughing, r.) 
 
 Stewart. Isn't she a wonder ? The best thing about a 
 professor of physics is his daughter. Oh, that's very 
 clever. I'll have it embroidered on something to hang 
 in my room. 
 
 (Enter Violet, Kennedy and Bannister, l.) 
 
 Kennedy. | Hello, Bob ! 
 
 Bannister, j ' 
 
 Stewart. Hello, boys ! (Shakes hands.) Sit down. 
 
 Kennedy. Thanks. Pipe the maid, will you ? {Indicates 
 Violet.) She thinks she's in a boarding-house still. 
 Watching us all the time to see we didn't steal any- 
 thing. 
 
 Violet. Oh, I know them scamps, Mr. Stewart. When 
 they was boardin' at mother's they swiped an elegant 
 crayon picture of grandfather, and hung it up in the 
 
 23 
 
THE SOPBOMOBE 
 
 post-office, marked, "Undertaker and Embalmer." 
 Mother was that ashamed. 
 
 Stewart. There must be some mistake, Violet. They 
 wouldn't do anything like that. 
 
 Violet (with much irony). Oh, no, they wouldn't do any- 
 thing like that. And I suppose I didn't catch 'em just 
 now stuffin' the Professor's high hat band with paper. 
 Oh, no, they wouldn't do nothin' wrong. Butter would 
 melt in their mouths, it would. Oh, yes. 
 
 Stewart. All right, Violet. 
 
 Bannister. Good-bye, Violet. Sorry you have to go. 
 
 Kennedy. Here's your hat. {Pretends to get hat.') What 
 makes you hurry off like that ? 
 
 Violet. Oh, you're so funny. A lady can't open her 
 mouth without you crack off something smart. 
 
 {Very ironical. Flounces off stage, i.. Pause. Kennedy 
 looks at Stewart hard.) 
 
 Stewart. Well, shoot it off; what is it? 
 
 Kennedy. You're a corker, aren't you ? 
 
 Stewart. What's the matter now, Bud ? 
 
 Kennedy. Ye gods ! {Ironically.) What's the matter ? 
 Do you realize you've been five days here fussing with 
 a girl while the team's been going to thunder ? 
 
 Stewart. I've been stud5dng physics. 
 
 Bannister. Oh, you kid ! Studying physics ! 
 
 {Laughs. Kennedy and Bannister both lie back in chairs 
 and roar.) 
 
 Kennedy. It's a nice study. Such beautiful eyes and 
 
 hair. 
 Bannister. That's it. He means studying physiques. 
 
 (Kennedy and Bannister go off into afresh spasm.) 
 
 Stewart {picking up ice water pitcher). Chuck it, Kink, 
 or I'll drown you both. 
 
 {They stop laughing. They stand up on either side of him, 
 and put their hands on his shoulders.) 
 
 Kennedy. That's all right, old chap. I understand it. 
 Stewart. I've been studying physics to pass my examina- 
 tion to-morrow. 
 
 24 
 
TEE SOPSOMOBE 
 
 Bannister. Of course. Certainly. 
 
 (Bannister and Kennedy try to look solemn, and burst 
 out laughing. Stewart seizes pitcher.') 
 
 Kennedy. No, no. I'll be good. (Seriously.) Here's 
 
 the point, Stewart, old man. Are you going to pass 
 
 that examination to-morrow ? 
 Stewart. It's going to be tight tooting. 
 Kennedy. Are you going to pass ? 
 Stewart {after a pause). No. 
 Bannister (catching Kennedy by the arm). That settles 
 
 it. Come on. 
 Stewart. Where are you going ? 
 Bannister. You're going to play to-morrow, my boy. 
 
 Don't worry. 
 Stewart («a^<r/-/c). How? What? What's the scheme ? 
 
 [Enter Hope, r. ; sees Kennedy and Bannister.) 
 
 Hope. Oh, excuse me. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 
 Bannister. Hist ! ( Walks around in a circle.) Come 
 within the magic circle. (In hoarse whisper.) We 
 know where a carbon copy of your examination ques- 
 tions is ! We saw Alden's stenographer put it in his 
 desk. 
 
 (Stewart stands dazed.) 
 
 Stewart (excitedly) . A copy of my examination questions ! 
 
 Why, say, that's 
 
 Bannister (interrupting). Hist ! And we are going to 
 
 get them now. 
 Stewart (emphatically). You mustn't, fellows. I can't 
 
 use those questions, you know. 
 Kennedy (severely). Can't ! You have to use them. 
 
 For the honor of the university ! 
 
 (^Exit ELennedy and Bannister, l.^ 
 (Stewart looks after them bewildered.) 
 Stewart. For the — honor — of the university. 
 
 (Sinks down on sofa and holds head in hands.) 
 (Enter, itfter a moment, Mrs. Scott andM\ss, DwicoiNS, r.) 
 
 25 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Mrs. Scott {going en with conversation). And we invited 
 
 Mr. Levering, who was a second cousin of my 
 
 mother's 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. He was a third cousin, Mary. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Indeed he was not. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. I know he was, because I heard Professor 
 
 Alden say 
 
 Mrs. Scott. John Alden doesn't know. I happen to 
 
 be aware {They both see Stewart.) Why, Mr. 
 
 Stewart, you are ill. 
 Miss Dwiggins. There 1 I said that was just what the 
 
 cigarettes would do. 
 Mrs. Scott {sitting down beside hint). Where does the 
 
 pain seem to be ? 
 
 (Stewart gazes at them in astonishment.') 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Yes, those are just the symptoms. Eyes 
 dilated, and cheeks flushed. You must go right away, 
 and drink a heaping spoonful of baking soda dissolved 
 in hot water, just as hot as you can bear it. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Matilda, that's silly. Do you want to kill 
 the child ? Mr. Stewart, I will send Violet for a box 
 of Cahill's Corrugated Capsules. You take one of those 
 every fifteen minutes for an hour, and you'll be well. 
 When I was keeping house I never was without them 
 for an instant. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. My dear, soda is always prescribed. 
 
 Mrs. Scott {with decision), Matilda, I lived with the 
 Cunninghams for ten years, and they never used any- 
 thing else but Cahill's Capsules. 
 
 \Stewart goes up r. Mrs. Scott and Miss Dwiggins, 
 who are standing front c, are so busy discussing 
 that they do not notice him. He steals quietly away 
 on tiptoe, and escapes at h.) 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Always the Cunninghams. Mary Scott, 
 you make me so tired I could scream. Anyway, my 
 mother used to say old Mrs. Cunningham was the 
 worst housekeeper she ever saw. 
 
 Mrs. Scott {magnificently'). We won't discuss the Cun- 
 ninghams, my dear. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Thank goodness for that — for once. 
 
 2^ 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Mrs- Scott. Matilda Dwiggins, you can be the nastiest 
 person. {Turns from her to where Stewart had 
 
 been sitting on sofa.') Now, Mr. Stewart, if you 
 
 Why, where has he gone ? Did you ever know of such 
 rudeness ? 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Can you expect a college man to be any- 
 thing else but ill-mannered ? 
 
 {Enter Hope, r., with some flowers.') 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Hope, the young man is ill. 
 
 Hope {dropping the flowers'). Mr. Stewart ? 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Yes, he seemed very bad. 
 . Hope. But he — -he was well half an hour ago. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Oh, I don't think it's serious, I don't think 
 it's serious. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. No. I'll just run and have Violet dis- 
 solve a teaspoonful of soda {Goes toward r.) 
 
 Mrs. Scott {following). You'll do nothing of the sort. 
 I am going to send her 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Now, Mary, be sensible. 
 
 (Mrs. Scott and Miss Dwiggins speak together, gesturing 
 violently to each other.) 
 
 ' Mrs. Scott. I will not be sensible. Goodness knows, 
 I have had more experience in the sick-room than 
 you ever dreamed of. For six weeks before Mr. 
 Scott died he ate nothing but capsules. 
 Miss Dwiggins. Home remedies are best always. These 
 patent medicines are made of laudanum — solid lau- 
 danum. They kill more people every year than home 
 remedies ever cure. Capsules ! 
 
 {Exeunt, r.) 
 
 Hope {gathering up flowers). What can be the matter 
 with Bob ? {Starts to arrange flowers in vase. Enter 
 Stewart, l.) Oh, there you are. Are you ill ? 
 
 Stewart. No, not in the least. Have your aunt and her 
 trailer 
 
 Hope {reprovingly). Now, don't be disrespectful. 
 
 Stewart. Then we'd better change the subject. 
 
 Hope {with pretended solemnity). I was so frightened 
 when I heard you were ill. 
 27 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Stewart (^grasping both her hands as she arranges flomersy 
 Were you ? 
 
 {They pause, looking at each other across the table.) 
 
 Hope (^presently, withdrawing her hands'). You mustn't 
 
 do that. 
 Stewart ingoing around the table after her). Why not ? 
 
 {She retreats before him, and coming around in front of 
 sofa, sits down at left end of it.) 
 
 Hope {thoughtfully). Because you haven't made good yet. 
 
 Stewart. What's that mean? 
 
 Hope. You came here with the intention of preparing 
 yourself to pass an examination in order that you might 
 play in the game. If you don't accomplish the rest of 
 the things in your life any better than you have done 
 that, you aren't much of a — well — a man. 
 
 Stewart {impressively). Don't worry about me. I'm 
 going to play in the game. 
 
 {She looks at him keenly.) 
 
 Hope. You think you can pass the examination ? Because 
 
 I don't. 
 Stewart {not looking at her). I know I can pass it. 
 
 (Hope looks at him but he does not look at her.) 
 
 Hope. How is it you are so sure now ? You were not 
 
 sure ten minutes ago. 
 Stewart {lightly). Oh, yes, I was. 
 Hope {impressively). Bobby, I heard Mr. Bannister say 
 
 as he went down-stairs — "Oh, you leave it to me. I 
 
 know just where the questions are." What did that 
 
 mean? 
 Stewart {hesitating). Mean? Why — it — how should I 
 
 know ? Did he say anything else ? 
 Hope. No. Then you haven't an idea what it meant ? 
 Stewart. There are a great many things it might mean. 
 
 {Aside.) I mustn't give the boys away. 
 Hope. Such as ? 
 Stewart. Oh, I don't know. {Looks defiantly at her.) 
 
 What are you driving at, Hope ? 
 28 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Hope. Are you keeping something from me, or are you 
 
 not ? {Pause J) 
 Stewart {presently). I am keeping something from you. 
 
 {Rises.) But it is nothing I am ashamed of. 
 Hope {coldly). I think we both understand each other, 
 
 Bobby. I must admit I thought better of you. 
 Stewart {pleadingly). Hope, you mustn't 
 
 {Enter Violet, l.) 
 
 Violet. Some more o' them Swarthmores down-stairs, 
 
 Mr. Stewart. 
 Stewart. Show them up. {Hastily.) No, no, I'll go 
 
 down. 
 Hope {quietly). Show them up. I'm going. 
 Violet. Yes'm. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 Stewart. It's — it's Kennedy and Bannister, I guess. 
 
 Hope {pointedly). Very likely. 
 
 Stewart. Hope, would you mind letting me see them 
 
 alone? And look here, I don't know what's worrying 
 
 you, but I think you're wrong. You don't understand 
 
 everything. 
 Hope {significantly). I understand enough. I'm going. 
 
 If they want to smoke, let them. There are the 
 
 matches. 
 Stewart. Where ? Hope — you don't trust me ! 
 Hope. There ! {Takes box of matches from mantel, and 
 
 places them on table.) Do you trust yourself? Oh, 
 
 Bobby, I thought you were fair and square ! 
 
 {She turns to go out r., sees screen up r., hesitates, and 
 slips behind it. Stewart stands by table, with an 
 anxious expression. Suddenly he picks up match-box 
 from table, looks at it, gives it a caressing pat, and 
 lays it down.) 
 
 {Enter Bannister, Brown, Kennedy, Hendricks and 
 SIMMS, L. As they enter Stewart quickly takes box of 
 matches again from table, and holds it in his hand.) 
 
 Stewart. Hello, fellows. 
 
 29 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Brown. Hello. You're all r-r-right, old man. We got 
 'em. Huh-huh-haven't we, Bannister ? 
 
 Bannister. You bet we have. When old pie-face Alden 
 was in his class-room putting the seniors to sleep with 
 an overdose of Applied Physics, we boosted Brown 
 through the transom of his office. Talk about a camel 
 going through the eyehole of a needle ! Why, man, 
 Brown had that Bible story beat to a frazzle. He went 
 through, and pulled the transom after him, and the way 
 they both hit the floor together was glorious ! Brown 
 is the best heavy weight diver in captivity. And 
 Dounce ! He was a regular India rubber ball when he 
 once hit the floor. And right in a nice pigeonhole 
 were the questions^-the Golden Fleece — which I have 
 the honor to present to you. 
 
 {Lays paper on table. Stewart has been nervously shifting 
 from one foot to the other.') 
 
 Stewart [mechanically). Thank you, fellows ; thank you, 
 
 fellows. 
 Bannister. Now, you're going to play to-morrow. Poor 
 
 old Wilton ! 
 
 {They join hands and dance around him in a circle.) 
 All. Poor — old — Wilton ; poor — old — Wilton 1 
 
 (Stewart escapes, and stands behind table.) 
 
 Stewart. Fellows, I thank you for your friendship, and 
 loyalty to the university. I want you to know I ap- 
 preciate your motive in what you have done. You 
 knew it was the dearest wish of my life to play in that 
 game, and you have given me the opportunity. 
 
 Bannister. Hurrah ! 
 
 Brown. Hear, hear ! (Hope covers her face with her 
 hands and exits, R. Brown /a/j- cigarette in mouth.) 
 E-e-everything ends happily. Who has a muh-muh- 
 match ? 
 
 Stewart {looking on table, then remembering he has match- 
 box in his Irft hand). Here's a light. 
 
 {Strikes a match and hands if to Brown, who lights cigarette.) 
 
 3° 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Basnistkr. Come on, fellows. That's don«. Let's beat 
 it. Good luck to you, Bobby. 
 
 (He moves toward door, l., and others follow.') 
 
 Stewart. Wait a minute, boys. I said you had given me 
 the opportunity to uphold the honor of the university. 
 Well, there's only one way, fellows, to uphold that 
 honor, and that's by being straight and aboveboard — 
 always. I can't use those questions. 
 
 (He strikes another match, picks up paper from table, sets 
 fire to it, and holds it.") 
 
 Bannister. Stewart, you're crazy ! 
 
 Stewart. No, Kink, not yet. I won't let this burn me. 
 I think I'm going to pass that exam., all right. But 
 I'm going to be fair and square about it, boys. Fair 
 and square ! 
 
 (Stewart drops the last bit of charred paper on the floor, 
 puts his foot on it, and stands with head erect. He 
 still holds the match-box in his hand.) 
 
 curtain 
 
 3« 
 
ACT m 
 
 SCENE. — Office of Athletic Association, overlooking foot- 
 ball field. Cheering off stage. 
 
 {Enter Bannister, l., with megaphone^ 
 
 Bannister. Thank my stars, the half is over. We couldn't 
 have held them another minute longer. (Singing heard 
 off. Air, " We won't be home till morning.") 
 
 Oh, we won't do a thing to old Lakeville, 
 We won't do a thing to old Lakeville, 
 We're going to win to-day. 
 
 (Bannister goes to window.) Sing, confound you ! 
 Sing ! But you haven't won the game yet, old Wilton ! 
 {Goes to telephone.) Central, give me the Physics De- 
 partment, quick. Hello ! Is Professor Alden there ? 
 
 Well, where is he ? {Slams down receiver. ) Hang 
 
 it ! Why in the thunder can't some one find him ? 
 
 (Rushes out, L.) 
 
 {Enter Stewart and Kennedy, r., in football clothes, 
 wrapped up in blankets. Kennedy rushes to tele- 
 phone.) 
 
 Kennedy. Hello, Central ! Physics Department — quick 
 
 as you can, please Hello! Physics Department? 
 
 Is Professor Alden there? Oh, this makes me 
 
 tired ! {Slams down receiver.) Where in thunder is 
 he? What's the use of you taking the examination, if 
 Alden won't tell you whether you passed ? 
 
 {Exit Stewart and Bannister, l.) 
 
 {Enter Brown, r.) 
 
 Brown {going to telephone). Hello ! Fuh-Fuh-Physics 
 
 D-D-Department I w-w-wish you would tell me, 
 
 please, if Pro-Professor A- A- Alden is there? I b-beg 
 
 your pardon W-what ? Who are you suh-swear- 
 
 32 
 
fSH SOPBOMOSE 
 
 ing at? I'll come over there and b-break yout 
 
 h-head for you. {Hangs up receiver.') C-can't under- 
 stand why old A-Alden hasn't r-reported about Stew- 
 art's uh-uh-examination. 
 
 {Enter Violet, r. Rushes over and catches at coat as he 
 is going. She is very much dressed, wearing yards of 
 Lakeville ribbon, carrying a Lakeville flag, etc.) 
 
 Violet. Say, mister ! 
 
 Brown. What {Turns.) Hello, Violet ! 
 
 Violet. Hello, Browny. Say, what's the score? 
 
 Brown. N-nothing nothing. 
 
 Violet. Oh, quit your kidding. What's the score, kid ? 
 
 {Fingers his coat lapels.) 
 
 Brown. No f-fooling. It's n-nix to nix. 
 
 Violet. Oh, cripey me ! Oh, spingo ! ! Lakeville ain't 
 scored ! {Fetches herself a crack on the cheek.) Gee ! 
 What a bump ! ( Goes over to him, and gets him by 
 the lapels again.) Say, give it to me straight. Is 
 Stewy playing ? 
 
 Brown. No, he is not, and that's just the trouble. 
 
 Violet {sitting down in revolving chair). Oh, ain't that 
 the limit ? {Kicks her feet up and down impatiently 
 on the floor.) Gee ! I could bite nails ! {Takes a 
 good start, and spins all the way round in chair.) 
 Say, I'm going home. If Stewy ain't a-playing, what's 
 the use? {Starts to go.) 
 
 {Enter Livingstone, r. Goes to 'phone. ) 
 
 Livingstone. Give me the Physics Department. 
 
 Brown. Say, old man, that's no good. He isn't there. 
 I called up a minute ago. 
 
 Livingstone. Did you ? Central, give me Professor Al- 
 
 den's house. {Waits.) No answer? Give me the 
 
 Dean's office Hello! Is Professor Alden there? 
 
 Is any one there? Well, can you tell me 
 
 whether Professor Alden made any report on the ex- 
 amination Mr. Stewart took this morning? Well, 
 
 when do you suppose he will report on it? Next 
 
 summer ? {Hangs up receiver.) Well, if the faculty 
 of this university isn't the darnedest, slowest bunch of 
 
 33 
 
TBE 80PB0M0BE 
 
 pinheads ever created ! Here we delayed the game a 
 whole half hour and we haven't heard yet. 
 
 Violet. Say, Livy, who's taking Stewy's place? 
 
 Livingstone. Who's taking his place ! Nobody ! No- 
 body ! Red-headed Taylor is playing on the team, 
 but there's nobody taking Stewart's place. If I had 
 him five minutes in the game there might be a show. 
 (^Goes toward l.) This is what comes of faculty in- 
 tervention. I don't see how they expect a coach to 
 turn out a team, if they are going to make the football 
 men study. A man can't do two things at once, and 
 the sooner the faculty finds it out the better. 
 
 Brown. Hold 'em duh-duh-down to it this next half, Liv- 
 ingstone. We gu-gu-got to beat 'em. 
 
 Livingstone. Beat 'em ! I see us ! Kennedy has a bad 
 knee, and as soon as he goes out it's a walk-over. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 Violet. Ain't it awful ? 
 
 Brown. I h-hate to think of it. ( Whistle blows outside.) 
 
 There goes the second half. I s-suppose I'll have to 
 
 go out and see the s-slaughter. 
 
 {Exit, L. Violet goes to window.') 
 
 Violet. Here comes the Wilton team. {Cheer without.) 
 Aw, go on, you big beefs. I wisht I was a man. I'd 
 wipe up the field with you. Here comes Lakeville. 
 {Cheer without.) Hurrah ! Hurrah ! ( Waves large, 
 loud, fancy handkerchief.) Hurrah for Kennedy ! Oh, 
 you kid ! {Jumps up and down.) Ain't it exciting ? 
 Oh, I can't see nothing from here. 
 
 {Exit, l. Cheering outside.) 
 
 {Enter presently, Mrs. Scott and Miss Dwiggins, l.) 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. I declare, Mary Scott, I am not going 
 back in that stand again. In the first part I saw a 
 man deliberately stick his thumb in his opponent's eye. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Not op-/^«-ent, o/-ponent, Matilda, dear. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins. Mary Scott, I declare you're getting worse. 
 0/-ponent is a miserable affectation. No one but peo- 
 ple wishing to pretend they were very learned would 
 use such a pronunciation. 
 
 34 
 
THE SOPHOMOBE 
 
 Mrs. Scott. That isn't true. Old Mr. Cunningham al- 
 ways said "<?/)-ponent." 
 
 Miss Dwiggins {stamping her foot). Bother Mr. Cun- 
 ningham ! 
 
 Mrs. Scott {reprovingly). No blasphemy, Matilda. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins {turning her back). Mary Scott, I am not 
 going to talk to you a minute more. I am going out 
 to see the game. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Oh, you are afraid there may be some one 
 who hasn't seen your brown dress. 
 
 Miss Dwiggins {stamping her foot). I am not. 
 
 {Flounces off at l.) 
 
 Mrs. Scott {looking at self in mirror). I suppose I will 
 have to go too. {Arranges hat.) I want Mrs. Buck- 
 ingham, who is sitting behind me, to have a perfectly 
 good look at this hat. {Smiles sweetly.) And I know 
 she won't enjoy a minute of the game afterward. 
 
 {Exit, L. Cheering without.) 
 
 {Enter Stewart, l.) 
 
 Stewart {going to window). Wilton's cheering again. 
 Lakeville can't do a thing against them. {Turns 
 away.) I hate to look at it. When I see them lining 
 up, I can't keep still. I want to play. 
 
 {Sinks down on chair.) 
 
 {Enter Hope, l.) 
 
 Hope {looking out window). Wilton's ball. I couldn't 
 stand it any longer. {Sees Stewart. Carelessly.) 
 Why, I thought you were out on the field. 
 
 Stewart {Jumping up, and taking both her hands). 
 Thunder ! I'm glad to see you, Hope. {She pulls 
 her hands away.) If there ever was a blue sopho- 
 more, I'm it. Haven't heard a word from your father, 
 and Wilton is hammering the mischief out of us. 
 
 Hope {coldly). I wonder that you have the assurance to 
 speak to me. 
 
 Stewart. Well, I can't help it if your father 
 
 Hope. It would serve you exactly right if you did not hear 
 
 35 
 
THE 80PH0M0BE 
 
 until to-morrow. {Goes toward door.) I don't be» 
 lieve there ever was a man born that could be trusted. 
 
 Stewart [catching her hand). Why, Hope. 
 
 Hope {taking her hand away). Don't touch me. I hate 
 you. 
 
 Stewart {in surprise). Any reason? I mean, any espe- 
 cial reason ? 
 
 Hope {with irony). Any reason ? Bobby, if I had thought 
 you would do it 
 
 Stewart. Now, stop right there. Do what ? 
 
 Hope {with intent to impress). I saw them give you the 
 examination questions. (Stewart turns away from 
 her and looks out of window.) You may well turn 
 your face away in shame. {lie faces her laughing. 
 Hope, aghast. ) Bobby ! 
 
 Stewart {with pretended severity). Aren't you ashamed 
 to eavesdrop ? 
 
 Hope (defiantly). No, I'm not. 
 
 Stewart. Then you should have stayed longer. 
 
 (Hope stares at him.) 
 
 Hope. Why — what do you mean ? 
 
 Stewart. Oh, nothing. Say, you should have seen the 
 boys' faces when I burned the paper. 
 
 Hope. Bobby ! Did you burn those questions ! Without 
 reading them ! (Stewart nods. She tosses up her 
 muff. Then she pulls off her right glove.) So that 
 was the meaning of the burnt paper on the floor ! I 
 humbly apologize, Mr. Stewart. I have wronged you. 
 I — oh, please say you forgive me. I want to disappear 
 right through the floor, I am so ashamed. But when 
 Mr. Bannister and the others came in yesterday you 
 knew they were bringing the questions — didn't you ? 
 
 Stewart. Well — yes. 
 
 Hope. But you didn't intend to use them. I see. Why 
 didn't you tell me? You knew I suspected you. 
 
 Stewart. Yes. But the boys had been awfully good to 
 me, you know — and it meant so much to them to have 
 me pass. They didn't see how it — well, you under- 
 stand. 
 
 Hope. I understand. There was no reason why you 
 should tell. 
 
 Stewart. But why didn't you tell your father? 
 
 36 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Hope (caroused'). Why — I thought up to the last minute 
 
 you might come to me and tell me all about it. And 
 
 — well, I guess I couldn't quite believe you'd do it, 
 
 after all. I kept saying to myself, " He won't, I know 
 
 he won't." Do you forgive me ? 
 S'V'EWAS.i (gravely). Thank you, Hope. {Smiles.) I won't 
 
 forgive you, because there's nothing to forgive. 
 Hope. Sure ? 
 Stewart. Sure. 
 Hope {sitting down on desk and drawing sigh). But I'm 
 
 so relieved to know you didn't do it. But tell me. 
 
 How about the examination ? 
 Stewart. I spent nearly all last night studying, and I 
 
 think I passed. Though I am afraid it will not do 
 
 much good if we can't find your father. 
 Hope. I don't know what father can be thinking of. 
 Stewart. It's worse than that. I don't know where he 
 
 is thinking it. 
 
 (She perches on desk, he sits in chair beside desk.) 
 
 Hope. Well, if you didn't learn the physics after all that 
 preparation, I'm afraid this (knocking on his head with 
 her knuckles) is not porous. 
 
 Stewart (taking both her hands). Hope 
 
 Hope (letting him keep them). Hello ! 
 
 Stewart. You've been more than decent to me. 
 
 Hope. But that's because you are so nice. 
 
 (Stewart takes a Jong look up into her eyes.) 
 
 Stewart. Hope, listen. 
 
 Hope. Oh, Bobby, I have an idea. 
 
 Stewart. What ? 
 
 Hope. I think I know where father is. 
 
 Stewart (jumping up). Listen to that ! 
 
 (Cheering without. Stewart runs to window, and turns 
 away with a despairing gesture, as Brown stalks in l., 
 dashes his cap on floor, and throws himself on couch 
 with a groan.) 
 
 Brown. Oh, puh-puh-pickles. I cuh-cuh-couldn't stand 
 it any longer. They have the ball on our twenty yuh- 
 yard line ! 
 
 37 
 
THE SOFSOMOBE 
 Hope. Mr. Brown, I think I know where father is. 
 (Brown makes a flying leap for the telephone.') 
 
 Brown {excitedly). Wuh-wuh-where ? K-K-quick? 
 
 Hope. At the observatory. There is no 'phone there. 
 You must send some one. 
 
 Brown. Huh-huh-huh-central, g-g-give me the A- A- Alfalfa 
 
 Delt house. Hello Is that the — uh — is that the 
 
 Alfalfa— dud-dud-Delt house? That you, P-Per- 
 
 kins? This is Mr. B-Brown Say, suh-suh-send 
 
 some one over to the observatory to tell Professor Alden 
 
 to c-c-come'to the field ruh-ruh-right away Do you 
 
 hear? Kuh-kuh-kuh-kuh-quick Yes ! At once ! 
 
 {Hangs up receiver, picks up cap, and exits, L.) 
 
 Hope (throwing up her muff). Hurrah ! 
 
 Stewart {^gloomily). Too late now. The game is most 
 
 over. 
 Hope. Pessimist ! Look at the doughnut, not the hole. 
 Stewart. But if they only could find your father ! Hope, 
 
 I'd give my hand to be in that game. 
 Hope {mischievously). Well, give it to me, instead. 
 Stewart. Careful. You may get something you don't 
 
 want. 
 Hope {laughing). Not afraid. 
 
 (He goes quickly toward her. She retreats, laughing, goes 
 back of desk, down on left side of it, and coming round 
 the front, sits on chair. He follows her.) 
 
 Stewart. Hope, I love you. Look at me. Tell me, 
 have I a chance? {She turns away, facing R. He 
 moves around so as to get in front of her.) All the 
 angels in heaven are mere incidents compared to you. 
 All the stars in heaven look like — like burnt matches 
 beside you. Look here. Don't you care for me, 
 Hope? {She turns, facing back. He follows her.) 
 Don't turn away from me. I love you. {She turns, 
 facing L. He follows around the desk, and stands 
 with his hands on it, looking at her.) I love you. 
 {She turns front. He rushes after her, takes both her 
 
 38 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 hands, and sits on desk, holding them so she has to look 
 at him.') I love you. I love you. I love you. 
 Hope {smiling). Oh, Bobby, I don't know 
 
 {Enter Brown and Griggs, l., suddenly.) 
 
 (Stewart and Hope spring away, trying to look uncon- 
 scious. Brown is too much excited to notice. Griggs 
 turns as though trying not to see, and looks out 
 window.) 
 
 Brown (breathlessly). K-Kennedy is hurt. 
 
 Stewart (recovering composure). What ! 
 
 Brown. Yes. A-afraid he's d-down and out. L-last 
 
 scrimmage he was under the p-pile. Wuh-wasn't he, 
 
 Griggs? 
 Griggs. Yes, I believe you are justified in that statement. 
 Stewart (gloomily'). That's the hardest luck I ever 
 
 heard of. 
 
 (Hope sinks, depressed, into a chair.) 
 
 Hope. This is a gloomy day for Lakeville. 
 
 Brown. That's what I say. Here's suh-Stewart out of the 
 g-game, and Kennedy hurt, with only t-t-ten minutes 
 more to p-play. If he could only have Masted till the 
 end of the g-game. 
 
 Stewart (excitedly). Where's the ball? 
 
 {Rushes to window.') 
 
 Brown. It's on our t-t-twenty yard line, isn't it, Griggs ? 
 Griggs (Judicially). Well, it may be the twenty-one yard 
 line, perhaps, or — ah ! (Listens. Cheering without.) 
 Hope. What's that ? 
 Stewart. They're taking Kennedy off. 
 Griggs. Most distressing. Excuse me. 
 
 (Exit, R.) 
 
 Brown. Let's give them r-room. They'll bring him 
 through here. It's n-nearer. (They stand aside.) 
 
 (Enter, l., Kennedy, wrapped in blankets, supported by 
 Livingstone and 'Bahnist^r, followed by Simms and 
 Hendricks.) 
 
 39 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Stewart. Hard luck, Bud. 
 
 Kennedy. I'm a fool, Bobby. I'm a fool to let them put 
 
 me out, and only five minutes more. We could have 
 
 held them to a tie. 
 Livingstone. Now, now, don't talk, old man. 
 Kennedy (Jo Stewart). Great heavens, man ! If you 
 
 were only in the game ! 
 Stewart (soothingly). Never mind, boy, we haven't lost 
 
 yet. 
 Kennedy. Think of us losing to Wilton. We ought to 
 
 close the university. 
 
 (Exeunt, L., Livingstone, Kennedy, Bannister, Simms 
 and Hendricks.) 
 
 ( Whistle blows without. Hope, Brown and Stewart go 
 to window.') 
 
 Brown. There they g-go. Oh, ye gods ! They're t-tear- 
 ing us up. F-five yards at a clip. There they go 
 again. (Jumps up and down in despair.) T-t-ten 
 yards more and they will be uh-uh-over. 
 
 Stewart (grimly). If I were only there. 
 
 Brown. What's that ? Time ! Lakeville man hurt. 
 
 (They are all intently looking out of the window.) 
 
 (Enter Griggs, r. ) 
 
 Griggs. Here, this way, Professor Alden. 
 
 (Enter Alden, r. Stands in middle of floor, looks about 
 him uncertainly. Polishes his glasses absently. ) 
 
 Alden. There's something on my mind I had to tell some 
 one. I wonder — I wonder what it could be ? If my 
 daughter Hope were here ! She sometimes remembers 
 these things. 
 
 (Enter Bannister, Simms and Hendricks, l.) 
 
 Bannister {seeing Alden). Fellows ! Fellows ! Here's 
 Professor Alden ! 
 
 (They all rush to him and surround him.) 
 
 Brown. How about it, Professor ? 
 
 40 
 
THE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Stewart (nervously). Quick ! Tell me quick ! 
 Hope {with impatience). Father ! Father ! Did Mr. 
 Stewart pass ? 
 
 (Alden sinks into chair.) 
 
 Alden (slapping thigh). Bless — my — soul! The very 
 thing. Fancy my forgetting. 
 
 Brown. Quick ! For heaven's sake, quick ! 
 
 Bannister. Did he pass ? 
 
 Alden. Well, now, gentlemen, I will tell you. I exam- 
 ined the papers myself, and then in order to make sure, 
 turned them over 
 
 (Every one is dancing about with impatience.) 
 
 Hope (catching his arm). Now, father, dear, just one 
 
 word. Did he pass ? 
 Alden. My dear, I am proud to say, he passed. 
 
 (All throw up hats and blankets, and muffs, etc., cheering 
 wildly.) 
 
 (Exeunt Brown, Bannister, Simms, Hendricks and 
 Griggs, taking Stewart with them, l. Great cheer- 
 ing without, accompanied by tin horns, rattles, etc., 
 etc.) 
 
 Hope. Father, father, listen to them ! (Goes to window.) 
 There he goes. You were just in time. Where were 
 you? 
 
 Alden. I forgot. I'm an old fool. I was taking a walk. 
 I forgot all about it. 
 
 (He sits down in chair. Whistle blows.) 
 
 Hope. There they go ! There they go ! Oh ! oh ! oh ! 
 They held them. Yes, they held them ! (Cheer with- 
 out.) Father, they held them ! 
 
 Alden (absently). I rejoice with you, my dear. 
 
 Hope. What are they doing now? A try for a goal. 
 Oh, it's going to be a trick. Bobby, be careful ! 
 There ! It is a trick. A forward pass. Bobby, Bobby, 
 Bobby ! Get it ! Get it ! Oh, I shall die ! Bobby 
 has the ball ! ( Wild cheer without. Hope jumps up 
 and down.) The game is saved ! Oh, you Bobby ! 
 
 41 
 
THE SOPEOMOBE 
 
 They — haven't — got — him — yet. Oh, you great big 
 Wilton ! He missed him. (^Cheer without!) He's 
 still going. Be still, my heart ! Go on, Bobby ! Go 
 on ! Go on ! Push — him ! Push — him — away ! He's 
 by ! He's past ! It's all over. ( Wild cheers with- 
 out. Whistling, tin horns, cow bells, etc. Hopk 
 shouts.') A touch-down ! A touch-down ! 
 
 {Tears down flag from wall and waves it out of window. ) 
 
 Alden^. Bless me, what pandemonium. We are evidently 
 approaching a crucial point in the contest. (Hope 
 sinks exhausted into chair.) What has occurred, 
 Hope, my dear ? 
 
 Hope {excitedly). Bobby has scored a touch-down. 
 
 Alden. Is that considered a desirable thing? 
 
 Hope. Yes, father, very. 
 
 Alden (complacently). Then by bringing the news of Mr. 
 Stewart's examination, I, personally, have won the 
 game. How excessively droll. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 {Cheer without.) 
 
 Hope. A goal ! ( Waves her flag.) The game is over. 
 
 {Enter Bannister, Brown, Simms, Livingstone and 
 Hendricks, shouting, carrying Stewart on their 
 shoulders. They sit him down, and, joining hands, 
 dance in a circle around him, yelling madly.) 
 
 Brown. N-nine rahs for Stewart. 
 
 All {quickly). Rah — rah — rah ! Rah — rah — rah ! Rah — 
 
 rah — rah ! Stewart ! Stewart ! Stewart ! 
 Bannister. Speech ! 
 Stewart. Shut up. Kink. 
 All. Speech ! 
 
 {They lift Stewart up on desk.) 
 
 Stewart. I'll get you for this. Kink. 
 All. Speech ! Sh-h-h-h. 
 
 Stewart. Gentlemen {Wild cheer.) It is a great 
 
 pleasure to me — pleasure to me 
 
 Brown {prompting). P-personally 
 
 42 
 
TSE SOPHOMORE 
 
 Stewart. Personally — oh, cut it. Buster, I didn't want to 
 say that — to have been in the game. {Cheers.') I'm 
 glad I was fortunate enough to make a score. (^Cheers.') 
 I am glad for myself, for you {seeing Hope), and I am 
 glad for — for you. Thank you. {Wild cheers.) 
 
 Bannister {looking out of window). They're beginning 
 the snake dance. Oh, come on, fellows. Let's get in 
 it. Whoop ! 
 
 {Exeunt, still cheering, all but Hope and Stewart, l.) 
 
 Hope {rushing at him, and throwing her arms about him). 
 
 Bobby ! 
 Stewart {seizing her, and then letting go quickly). I'm 
 
 all over mud. Look at -you. 
 
 {She backs away. Her suit is covered with dust.) 
 
 Hope. I don't care. I regret that I have only one suit to 
 
 spoil for my Bobby. 
 Stewart {holding her at arm's length, and smiling at her 
 
 teasingly). But see here. When I asked you if you 
 
 loved me a few minutes ago, you said you didn't 
 
 know. How about it ? 
 Hope {hiding her face against his arm ). Oh, Bobby, I 
 
 always knew. Always. 
 
 curtain 
 
 43 
 
The J 
 
 unior 
 
The Junior 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Edward Moore The Junior 
 
 " Jimmy " Monroe ) ^., ^ • 
 
 "Thin" Smith \ Other Juniors 
 
 "Demosthenes" Merwyn ^ 
 
 " Silk " RiCKETTS >■ Seniors 
 
 "Willy" Rockwell ) 
 
 Thomas J. Highfield . . . . A Captain of Finance 
 
 President Fowler . ... Of Lakeville University 
 
 Janet Hale Highfield' s niece 
 
 Mabel Gray ") ir- ..■ t t. -u 
 
 Verda Griswold I Vtsitmg Lakeville 
 
 Violet Who was born there 
 
 Seniors and Juniors, students of the University. 
 
 Time of Playing : — Two hours. 
 
 STORY OF THE PLAY 
 
 Ned Moore, a Junior in Lakeville University, and an ama- 
 teur actor, has been "joshed " by the Seniors and de- 
 termines to get even with them. He therefore starts a 
 rumor that the University is to admit "co-eds," and in 
 order to give color to the rumor dresses himself as a girl 
 and poses as a girl student who has just arrived in 
 Lakeville. The Seniors are fooled. They get up a 
 mass meeting to protest against coeducation. Intend- 
 ing to ride " the new co-ed " out of town on a board, 
 they run across Janet Hale, a visitor, and niece of 
 Highfield, a rich man who has been thinking of endow- 
 
 3 
 
STOBT OF THE PLAY 
 
 ing the University. They put Janet on the board, and 
 Highfield, who is very angry, withdraws his offer of an 
 endowment. The Faculty decide to expel the Seniors. 
 Then Moore, who has got the Seniors into the scrape, 
 ingeniously gets them out of it, and at the same time 
 wins Janet, with whom he is in love. 
 
 Same scene, the college campus, for all three acts. 
 
 Act I. — The Seniors poke fun at Ned Moore and the Juniors. 
 "I'll make the whole Senior class ridiculous." Moore 
 meets Janet. "I didn't know you were here." Violet 
 and Moore. " I ain't as dumb as I look." "No, how 
 could you be ? " Violet says she's going to be a 
 Freshman. Moore decides to start a "co-ed" scare. 
 "I'll be the co-ed." "Down with Coeducation!" 
 The Seniors call a mass meeting. 
 
 Act II. — The Juniors dress Moore as a " co-ed " in a white 
 dress. "I feel as fresh as a debutante." "You're 
 fresh, all right." Janet and Moore. " For goodness' 
 sake, Neddy, don't propose in that costume!" The 
 Seniors, chasing Moore, catch Janet, also dressed in 
 white. Highfield stops the performance. " I tell you 
 it's my niece ! " 
 
 Act III. — Violet studying Latin. " Willy, I ain't strong 
 for it. Amo, amas, amat ! That ain't no way to talk 
 to a lady!" Moore despondent. " They're going to 
 expel the Seniors." Moore tries to pacify Highfield. 
 Moore and Janet. "Will you marry me?" "Yes, 
 Ned." Moore, in Janet's cloak, succeeds in fooling 
 Highfield, who yields. "I'll give the University its 
 endowment ! " The Seniors saved, and everybody 
 happy. 
 
COSTUMES 
 
 Moore. Acts I and III, neat blue suit, pumps, cap. Act 
 II, girl's white linen suit, girl's summer hat, white veil, 
 pumps. 
 
 Monroe. Neat, but a little exaggerated. Very small cap, 
 dark suit, turned up trousers, gay stockings. 
 
 Smith. Black suit, unpressed, Derby hat, patent-leather 
 shoes. 
 
 Merwyn. Acts I and III, loud checked suit, brilliant col- 
 ored hat. Act II, no coat— bright pink shirt. 
 
 RiCKETTS. Act I, dark suit, yellow necktie, yellow socks, 
 pumps. Act II, corduroy trousers, blue shirt, yellow 
 necktie. Act III, dark suit, chamois gloves, cane, 
 Derby hat, russet shoes. 
 
 Rockwell. Same in every particular as Ricketts. 
 
 HiGHFiELD. Check suit of a stylish pattern, gray spats, 
 light felt hat, large watch-chain. Act III, long motor- 
 ing coat. 
 
 Fowler. Cutaway coat, gray Fedora hat, a trifle too 
 small. 
 
 Janet. Act I, light summer frock, lingerie hat, pumps. 
 Act II, white linen suit, summer hat, white veil, and 
 in all respects same as Moore, except that she wears a 
 rose. Act II, cloth suit, fall hat, motoring coat reach- 
 ing to ground, and long veil. 
 
 Mabel and Verba. Acts I and II, smart, trim afternoon 
 dresses, lingerie hats, parasols. Act III, walking suits, 
 fall hats, gloves. Always very stylish. 
 
 Violet. Skirt and shirt-waist of different materials. Start- 
 ling colored hair ribbon of generous size. Act III. 
 Badly fitting coat over the above. 
 
PROPERTIES 
 
 Act I.— Matches, pipes for Smith and Merwyn, box 
 
 of cigarettes. Placards "Down with Coeducation." 
 
 Rose for Janet. 
 Act II. — Cigarette, parasol, drums, tin horns, megaphone, 
 
 bell, book, suit case, board. 
 Act III. — Book, camera, automobile, cloak and veil, drums, 
 
 tin horns. 
 
 SCENE PLOT 
 
 LANDSCAPE DROP 
 
The Junior 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE. — The campus of LakeviUe University. Landscape 
 drop and wood wings. Fence up r., and bench l., as 
 ■ shown in scene plot. 
 
 {Enter l., "Silk" Ricketts with Mabel Gray, and 
 "Willy" Rockwell with Verda Griswold. The 
 two Seniors carry girls' wraps, etc., and are evidently 
 ' ' showing them around. ' ' ) 
 
 Ricketts (waving arm toward fence'). On the right we 
 
 have the Old Fence. 
 Mabel {putting up lorgnette and speaking calmly). How 
 
 thrilling. Er — what is it used for ? 
 Ricketts. Used for ! Do you mean that you have never 
 
 heard of the Old Fence ? 
 Mabel. I ^t 
 Verda. [Never. 
 
 Ricketts {to Rockwell). Well, what do you think of 
 
 that ? Why, for seventy-seven 
 
 Rockwell. Seventy-eight. 
 
 Ricketts. Yes — seventy-eight years, all the Seniors have 
 
 perched on that old top rail and told their stories, and 
 
 made their plans, and sung their songs. 
 Mabel. Just imagine. The Seniors. How in-teresting. 
 Rockwell. Yes — the Seniors. No member of a lower 
 
 class would dare to sit on the fence. 
 Verda. How thril-ling. How about the Senior girls — the 
 
 co-eds ? Do they sit there too ? 
 
 Ro^'cT^^L } (S'S'ther, shocked). Co-eds ! 
 Rockwell. There are no co-eds at LakeviUe. 
 Ricketts {firmly). There never will be co-eds at Lake- 
 viUe University. 
 
TSE JUNIOR 
 
 Verda. Oh, I heard that rich Mr. Highfield was going to 
 give the money for a woman's department — or some- 
 thing. He's awfully interested in coeducation, you 
 know. 
 
 Rockwell. Never ! (Attitude.) We wouldn't take the 
 money. 
 
 Mabel. Oh, don't you like girls ? 
 
 Rockwell. We adore them (smiling) as visitors. 
 
 RiCKETTS. But not as co-eds. 
 
 Mabel. What an in-teresting distinction ! 
 
 Rockwell {quickly, pointing off). Over there is the Li- 
 brary, with the tower. And far over there you see 
 College Hall, donated by Peter McGuire in 1872. 
 
 Verda (with restraint). Isn't it divine ! 
 
 Rockwell. Many a rush has been fought out to the bitter 
 end on the steps of that old building. Why, the 
 Sophomores • 
 
 Mabel. Oh, Mr. Rockwell, are you a Sophomore or an 
 Alfalfa Chi? 
 
 Rockwell (looking at her a moment pityingly). Yes, in- 
 deed. Come on, there's just time to show you the old 
 cannon, before you go. 
 
 (Exeunt all, R.) 
 
 (Enter "Thin" Smith and "Jimmy" Monroe, l.) 
 
 Smith. Who are the dames with Ricketts and Rock- 
 well? {Points l.) 
 Monroe (climbing on fence). Don't know their names. 
 
 Ned Moore calls 'em The Bonehead Twins. He met 
 
 'em at the shore this summer. 
 Smith (climbing on fence). We must get him to introduce 
 
 us. Well, here we are back in college as Juniors, old 
 
 man. 
 Monroe. It's taken me all summer to realize I am no 
 
 longer a Sophomore. 
 Smith. There is something exhilarating in being an upper 
 
 classman. 
 Monroe. Sitting here on the Senior fence just as if we 
 
 owned it, and the Seniors wouldn't order us off if they 
 
 saw us. 
 Smith. The Seniors ! (Laughs contemptuously.) Don't 
 
 talk to me about the Seniors. This present Senior class 
 8 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 is a disgrace to the University. (^Enter "Demos- 
 thenes" Merwyn, Ricketts and Rockwell, r., un- 
 seen.) That's right. They wouldn't hurt any one, you 
 know. They're just a minus quantity — that's what 
 they are ! 
 
 (Merwyn, Ricketts and Rockwell ^<7 through faniomime 
 of rolling up their sleeves, clenching fists and general 
 preparations for assault.') 
 
 Monroe. Yes, the Seniors haven't the spunk of a guinea- 
 pig. Peace is their motto; and always has been — like 
 a lot of motherly monks. Well, we'll show 'em a thing 
 or two this year. 
 
 Merwyn. Oh, you will, eh I (Merwyn, Ricketts and 
 Rockwell rush forward with a yell, pull the Juniors 
 over backward from the fence, drag them or push 
 them around the end of the fence and over to the 
 bench, L. While they are lying on the ground the 
 Seniors put the bench on top of them.) Ah, yes, peace 
 is the motto of us Seniors ! 
 
 Ricketts. Wouldn't hurt any one, hey? Watch us ! 
 
 Rockwell. Guinea-pigs, did you say? And what was 
 that about monks ? 
 
 {They hammer the Juniors. Monroe and Smith upset 
 bench, regain their feet and start for the Seniors. 
 Enter Edward Moore, l. ; catches Monroe and 
 Smith.) 
 
 Moore. Not that way, boys. Upper classmen don't 
 squabble like Freshmen. {Looks significantly at Mer- 
 wyn, Ricketts a7id Rockwell.) Except a very 
 peculiar kind of upper classmen. 
 
 Ricketts. Oh, what are you giving us? 
 
 Merwyn. Wisdom from babes. 
 
 Rockwell. Little Neddy Moore, the famous female im- 
 personator. 
 
 {Seniors all go off into merry laughs.) 
 
 Ricketts {climbing on fence). I never had such a glorious 
 time in my life as I did when Moore was a girl in the 
 Sophomore play last spring. 
 
 9 
 
TB£ JUNIOR 
 
 (Merwyn and Rockwell lean against fence. They light 
 cigarettes. The Juniors are around bench, L.) 
 
 Merwyn. A girl ! Was Neddy a girl ? You mean a cow, 
 don't you ? 
 
 (Seniors laugh immoderately.^ 
 
 Moore {sarcastically, to Monroe and Smith). Let's sit 
 down and listen to this witty conversation of the Seniors. 
 
 (Juniors sit on bench.') 
 
 RiCKETTS. Oh, it will be witty, I assure you. Did you 
 know we have a co-ed in this University, Merwyn ? 
 Neddy Moore is it. (Laughs heartily.) 
 
 Merwyn. Let's hear about Neddy in skirts. 
 
 Moore (with deadly calm). By all means. 
 
 RiCKETTS. Well, the Sophomores gave a play by one 
 Shakespeare called "As You Like It." Say, the very 
 title was a scream in itself, because no one did like it, — 
 except the cornetist in the orchestra, who got so much 
 in the spirit of the performance he played the dead 
 march from Saul for incidental music. (Seniors laugh 
 uproariously.) Monroe, here, played Outlando — I 
 mean Orlando — and every time he bowed he split his 
 tights in a different place, until the audience was simply 
 in hysterics. 
 
 Monroe (icily). This is humor. Real Senior humor, 
 Moore. 
 
 Moore. Funny? I never heard anything quite so funny 
 in my life. Go on, Ricketts. 
 
 RiCKETTS. But the best thing of all 
 
 Monroe (to Moore). Get ready to scream. "This is going 
 to be the funniest thing yet. 
 
 RiCKETTS. You bet it is. Moore — our Neddy Moore- 
 was Rosalind, mind you. When he entered, the entire 
 audience held its breath. He cleared the distance 
 from the back drop to the footlights in two mighty 
 strides, and shouted his lines in a sweet bass voice that 
 shook the box-office. And when Orlando, in an ear- 
 nest endeavor to embrace the fair one, got his sword 
 tangled up in her feet and threw her flat on her face, 
 that finished the audience. The place exploded. I 
 was with two dames, and say, you ought to have heard 
 them laugh ! I was sore myself for a week. 
 
 lO 
 
THE JUNIOB 
 
 (Merwyn, Ricketts and Rockwell lategh immoderately.') 
 
 Moore. Now that's the kind of a Senior class we have. 
 
 When they were Sophomores they didn't have a play at 
 
 all, because it was too much trouble. 
 Monroe (rising and going to c). And Ricketts was given 
 
 complimentary tickets as president of his class. This 
 
 is his idea of accepting hospitality. 
 Ricketts. Oh, cut the moralizing. 
 Merwyn. Yes, cut it, Monroe, and give me a match, will 
 
 you? (Goes to c. as he takes out pipe.) 
 Monroe (^giving him match). Here. 
 Merwyn. Thanks. 
 
 (Strikes match on Monroe's trousers instead of his own.) 
 
 Monroe (/<? Moore). How's that for cheek ? 
 
 Merwyn. Good-bye, boys. Get up another co-ed play 
 
 soon, do. (Laughs.) 
 Ricketts. Yes, do. Ta-ta. (Laughs.) 
 Rockwell. So long. And don't you dare sit on that 
 
 fence again. 
 
 (Exeunt Merwyn, Ricketts and Rockwell, r.) 
 (Moore, Smith and Monroe climb up on fence.) 
 
 Moore (angrily). That bunch of Seniors makes me weary. 
 
 They are always trying to put the laugh on us. 
 Monroe. We'll have to turn the tables on them. 
 Moore (excitedly). You bet we will. I am going to make 
 
 that whole Senior class ridiculous. I'll make them the 
 
 laughing stock of the whole University. 
 Monroe (eagerly). How? What's the scheme ? 
 Moore. Give me time, man. 
 Smith. Let's give him air, too. Come on over to the 
 
 library with me. 
 Monroe. All right. See you again, Ned. Get it all doped 
 
 out while we are gone. 
 Moore. Trust me. 
 
 (Exeunt Monroe and Smith, r.) 
 
 (Enter Violet, l.) 
 
 Violet. Hello, Baby Moore. 
 
 11 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Moore {sitting on fence and taking out pipe). Why, hello, 
 
 Violet, light of my life. 
 Violet. I thank you, I'm not the light of your life. I'm 
 
 a Freshman. 
 
 QJLoouM. puts down the pipe he is about to light.') 
 
 Moore (in astonishment). A what ! 
 
 Violet. A Freshman. No fooling, kid. (Jumps up on 
 fence beside him.) Say, listen. President Fowler he 
 hears about me, and he sends for me and says, " Violet, 
 you've sort o' growed — I mean grew — up with the Uni- 
 versity. I want you to have a little education." And 
 I says, "Oh, law. Doctor, there's nothin' to it ! I 
 ain't built that way." But he says yes, I must. YoU 
 see, mother having kept a perfectly ladylike boarding- 
 house for so many years, every one knows about her 
 and me. He says I was an institution to the University. 
 
 Moore. He meant an imposition. 
 
 Violet (with heavy sarcasm). Ha! Ha! I laugh. Think 
 you're funny, don't you? (Jumps down from fence.) 
 Smarty ! 
 
 Moore. Well, say, Violet (Violet pauses), what was the 
 rest of this story ? 
 
 Violet (coming back, mollified). Well — Dr. Fowler he 
 says, "Violet, if you will bone up during the summer, 
 you can take a few courses in the college." So I boned 
 up. And say, mister, I ain't as dumb as I look. 
 
 Moore. Certainly not. How could you be ? 
 
 Violet (unruffled). I had a little education in the high 
 school — algeria and geography and percentage and 
 double-entry — and 
 
 Moore (helpfully). And triple-get-out. 
 
 Violet (gazing at him malevolently). See here, kid, you're 
 trying to josh me. You better chuck it. You can't 
 sass me. I never did like you yellow-haired boys. 
 
 Moore. Oh, go on with your story. 
 
 Violet. Well, Dr. Fowler says if I study and do well, next 
 year I can enter with the Freshmen and take one or two 
 courses, free of charge. Ain't that great? Well, so 
 long, Neddy. I got to go. 
 
 Moore. Say, Violet ? 
 
 Violet. Spiel it. 
 
 12 
 
TEE JUNIOR 
 
 Moore {thoughtfully). You say you'll be a Freshman next 
 
 year? 
 "Violet. You bet you. 
 Moore (jtill thoughtfully). We'll have to put you under 
 
 the pump some night, won't we? 
 Violet {excitedly). If yoii put me under the pump, Ned 
 
 Moore, I'll— I'll 
 
 Moore. The water's pretty cold along in November. 
 Violet (irately). You dare to put me under the pump. 
 
 You just dare. {Flounces over to i..) I may be a 
 
 Freshman, but I hope I'll always be a lady. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 Moore. I hope so. By Jove, there's an idea. This is a 
 good chance to start a coeducation scare among the 
 Seniors. Coeducation ! Oh, my, what a chance ! 
 Those Seniors will believe anything. 
 
 ( Climbs over fence and sitting on ground with back against 
 fence, begins to work rapidly in note-book.) 
 
 {Enter Janet Hale and Thomas J. Highfield, r.) 
 
 Janet. Uncle, you go on and see President Fowler. I 
 would rather wait here. It is too nice a day to go in- 
 doors. 
 
 Highfield (brusquely). Oh, no, no. Campus is simply 
 overflowing with men. Wouldn't dare to leave you 
 alone. 
 
 Janet {smiling). Now, uncle, you wouldn't endow a 
 university unless all the men in it were gentlemen, 
 would you? 
 
 Highfield {forcibly). By Jove, if they are not, I won't 
 give them one cent ! Not one cent ! 
 
 Janet. Of course you won't. 
 
 Highfield. Well, stay here, then. I will return pres- 
 ently. Good-bye. 
 
 Janet. Good-bye. {Exit Highfield, l. Janet is about 
 to sit down on bench l., when she sees Moore on other 
 side of fence. She stops in surprise.) I wonder if it 
 could be ? Why, it is. I wonder if he has forgotten 
 his old acquaintance ? {She leans on fence and watches 
 him for a while, but Moore does not look up. Then 
 
 13 
 
TBE JUNIOR 
 
 she speaks to him.) Kind sir, would you be so good 
 as to direct me to the School of Civil Engineering ? 
 
 (MoORK looks up with start. Looks bewildered, then rises 
 hastily.) 
 
 Moore (slowly). Have I fallen asleep over here? {To 
 Janet.) Now, don't move. It may be all right. 
 {Goes to her and takes her hand, leaning over fence.) 
 I take great pleasure in informing you, Janet, that it is 
 not a dream. You are really here. 
 
 Janet {laughing). Not really. 
 
 Moore. I thought I had gone to sleep. I no more ex- 
 pected to see you here — right here — than one of the 
 angels from heaven — one of the other angels from 
 heaven, I mean. It's wonderful. 
 
 Janet {amused). Don't you flatter me, Ned Moore. I 
 will not have my affections trifled with. 
 
 Moore. You were inquiring for the School of Civil Engi- 
 neering ? 
 
 Janet. So I was. 
 
 Moore. I cannot direct you to it. 
 
 Janet {pretending to be disappointed). Then what shall 
 I do? 
 
 Moore. But I can direct you to a very comfortable bench. 
 Would that do just as well ? 
 
 Janet. We might try it. (Moore climbs over fence.) 
 
 Moore. This is the bench. 
 
 ( Waves hand toward bench. Janet sits on bench. Moore 
 stands looking at her.) 
 
 Janet. But you didn't tell me you were a student here. 
 Moore {quietly). No. When I met you I was clerk in a 
 
 summer hotel to make money. It sounded snobbish to 
 
 say, "Oh, no, I'm not a real hotel clerk. I'm just 
 
 doing it during the summer." 
 Janet. I hated you for not giving me your address when 
 
 you left. Why wouldn't you? 
 Moore. You were just playing at being interested in me. 
 
 I did not want to endow you with any uncomfortable 
 
 obligations. 
 Janet. Oh, that's so silly. I liked you. 
 MooRE. Thank you. A kind word in October is worth 
 
 twenty in July. 
 
 14 
 
TBE JUNIOR 
 
 Janet. I am glad you seem willing to tolerate me some 
 more. I am going to be here a week. 
 
 Moore (jmiling). Are you ? 
 
 Janet. Yes. Uncle and I came up in the auto. He is 
 going to add some money to the endowment fund — if 
 he likes the University men. 
 
 Moore. We study to please. 
 
 Janet. He's very strict and straight-laced. 
 
 Moore. We never do anything wrong — almost. 
 
 Janet. If he sees a single thing he doesn't like, he will re- 
 fuse to give his money to the University. You've heard 
 of the Highfield temper ? 
 
 Moore (suddenly). Is your uncle Mr. John Highfield ? 
 
 Janet. Yes. 
 
 Moore (with enthusiasm). Three times welcome to Lake- 
 ville. Your uncle has it in his power to make this Uni- 
 versity the greatest University in the world. 
 
 Janet (mischievously). Why, isn't it now? 
 
 Moore (with pretended seriousness). Yes. Our football 
 and baseball teams, our glee club, our dramatic as- 
 sociation, and our general college spirit have made the 
 world recognize us as an unsurpassed University. But 
 we want to perfect even the small things. We want a 
 strong Faculty. 
 
 Janet (looking off l.). There's uncle now. I must fly. 
 When shall 1 see you ? 
 
 Moore. This evening. 
 
 Janet. Good. We're at the hotel. Good-bye. 
 
 (Exit, L.) 
 
 (Enter Monroe and Smith, r. , on the run and climb over 
 fence.) 
 
 Monroe. Say, we've been waiting an hour for you to get 
 through fussing that dame. Have you got it ? 
 
 Moore. What ? 
 
 Monroe (impatiently). The idea. To get even with the 
 Seniors. 
 
 Moore. Yes, I have it. 
 
 Monroe (excitedly). | ^^^^ j^ .^p 
 
 Smith (stoltdly). j 
 
 Moore. Coeducation. Prexy is known to be in favor of 
 it, isn't he? 
 
 15 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Monroe. Sure he is. Remember that speech at com- 
 mencement — and how the papers talked about it ? 
 
 Smith. I certainly do. Ricketts and his crowd were crazy 
 about it. 
 
 Moore. Well, they'll be crazier still before I get far into 
 this. Coeducation. That's the stuff. It is coming. 
 We'll have them holding mass meetings. We'll have 
 the whole University in a turmoil. We'll prove that 
 within a year, unless something stops them, there'll be 
 a thousand co-eds on the campus. And then at the 
 climax of the excitement we'll say, " Bing — it isn't 
 so ! " and dodge the bricks. 
 
 Monroe. But will they believe it ? 
 
 MoORE. If they don't, I have a trump card. I'll tell them 
 the first co-ed is coming to-morrow at ii : 20, and she'll 
 come. 
 
 Monroe.-) ^^^^ , ^^^^ ^j^j^j^y 
 
 Smith. j 
 
 Monroe. How do you know she's coming? 
 
 Moore. Because I'll be the co-ed ! 
 
 Smith°^" 1 ^'"^- ■^""^- ^'°"°"s- (^"•^■f "^ ^"^'^-^ 
 Monroe {seizing Moore and Smith). Placards, placards ! 
 There are painters at College Hall. Let's make plac- 
 ards. Come on ! 
 Moore. There'll be something doing around here before 
 long — or I miss my guess. {Laughs.') 
 
 {Exeunt all, l.) 
 {Enter Ricketts, Rockwell awrfMERwvN, d. l.) 
 
 Merwyn. Deuced good story about the Sophomore play. 
 Congratulate you, Ricketts. {All sit on fence.') It is 
 always an exhilarating sensation to make the ludicrous 
 Junior even more ridiculous. ( Glances off l. ) Why, 
 here approacheth the silken footfalls of Violet. {Enter 
 Violet, l.) What ho, fair damsel? 
 
 Violet {sharply). Oh, talk United States. You talk all 
 the time, Merwyn, as if you had just et the dictionary. 
 
 Merwyn. "Et"? Swallered, you mean. 
 
 Violet. It's a pity a lady can't carry on a conversation 
 without being criticsized at every turn. 
 16 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Merwyn (^profoundly'). That's the spirit of the twentieth 
 century, Violet — criticism. 
 
 Violet. Well, don't criticsize me. I'm going to be a 
 Freshman and a member of this University just as 
 much as you are, Willy Merwyn. 
 
 Merwyn ") 
 
 RiCKETTS > (descending as one man from the fence). What! 
 
 Rockwell ) 
 
 Violet (with injured dignity). I'm going to be a Fresh- 
 man. There is my " First Year in Latin," if you want 
 to see it. (They examine the book she holds out, then 
 look at each other and give a long whistle. Violet 
 seizes book.) Now, I hope you're satisfied. In the 
 future, I hope to be treated as a lady. (Flounces off r.) 
 
 Merwyn (aghast). Coeducation ! 
 
 RiCKETTS. What's Prexy thinking of ? 
 
 Rockwell. Oh, it can't be — that's all. 
 
 Merwyn. I'll bet that Highfield gentleman put the idea 
 into Fowler's head. 
 
 (Enter Moore, Monroe and Smith, r. They tack a plac- 
 ard, " Down with Coeducation,'^ on a tree. They tack 
 another on the fence. Merwyn, Ricketts and Rock- 
 well read it. Moore, Monroe and Smith pay no 
 attention to them. They tack sign on other end of the 
 fence. Merwyn, Ricketts and Rockwell gather 
 around it.) 
 
 Ricketts (excitedly). Say, Neddie, what is it ? 
 
 Moore (picking up his hammer and tacks, and starting 
 
 off L.). What's what ? 
 Rockwell (catching him). Don't be in such a hurry. 
 
 What's this mean ? 
 
 (Moore stops and looks at them in pretended astonishment. 
 £xit Smith and Monroe, l., to tack up more placards.) 
 
 Moore. What are you fellows talking about ? 
 Merwyn (firmly). What's the reason for those signs? 
 Smith (off stage, shouting). Down with coeducation. 
 
 (Further off.) Down with coeducation. Everybody 
 
 out. 
 
 (Moore, pretending to be overcome with incredulity, leans 
 against fence.) 
 
 17 
 
THE JDNIOB 
 
 Moore (incredulously). Do you mean to tell me the 
 Senior class doesn't know the Faculty is trying to force 
 coeducation on the University? A nice Senior class 
 you are ! 
 
 Merwyn. Yoi) mean Violet ? 
 
 Moore. Oh, Violet — yes — that's part of it. 
 
 Merwyn (impressively). I opine that Mr. Highfield, who 
 would endow the University with his golden ducats, 
 conceived this scheme and is thrusting it upon us. 
 
 Moore (taking up hammer). The Junior class doesn't 
 give a darn who thought of the scheme — we're just 
 going to stop it ! 
 
 Tj [■ (heatedly). The Junior class be hanged 
 
 Merwyn (^firmly). This is the province of the Senior 
 class, and you know it. We will take action. No 
 words, my dear Moore. You know the rule — the 
 Senior class adjusts all undergraduate affairs. 
 
 Moore (pretending to object). But 
 
 Merwyn {with finality'). Let us have no argument. Now 
 tell us what you know, and we will start the crusade. 
 
 (Faint murmur of shouting heard in distance.) 
 
 Moore. Well, I don't mind telling you. The main thing 
 is to have some one act. 
 
 (Shouting grows louder,) 
 Merwyn. What's the noise ? 
 
 (Shouting grows nearer. Beating of tin pans, drum and 
 tin horns, heard off. Shouts of "Down with coedu- 
 cation." Enter crowd, l. Crowd should be com- 
 posed of as many extra men as convenient to fill stage.) 
 
 Crowd. Ray ! Merwyn, Merwyn, Merwyn ! (All to- 
 gether.) Who — said — coeducation? Down with the 
 co-eds ! 
 
 (Groans and yells and tumult on drums and horns and tin 
 pans, every man making all the noise he can.) 
 
 Merwyn (standing on bench). Gentlemen, I introduce 
 Mr. Moore. 
 
 (Great cheers and then gradual silence.) 
 i8 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Moore. Gentlemen, this institution is doomed to coedu- 
 cation. (^Groans.) There is one co-ed now already 
 in our midst. (Groans.) And to-morrow morning 
 on the 1 1 : 20 train another is coming. 
 
 Merwyn. What's that? What did you say ? 
 
 (How do you know ? 
 Tell us about it. 
 Don't believe it. 
 Ah, you're kidding us, Moore, etc. 
 Moore. I say to-morrow morning another is coming. That 
 makes two ! And if you don't believe what I say I'll 
 deposit my watch with Merwyn here and forfeit it if 
 the co-ed doesn't come. ( Great excitement. Every- 
 body talking at once. Moore takes out watch.") Here, 
 Merwyn, take the watch. 
 Merwyn (getting up on bench). This is no time for puerile 
 forfeits. This is a time to act. {Great cheer.) This 
 is a time to stand up for Lakeville. (Cheers.) Gen- 
 tlemen, when this co-ed comes to-morrow, we will be 
 there to meet her. (Cheers.) We will duck her in 
 the pond. (Moore gets do^vnfrom bench.) We will 
 ride her on a rail. ( Cheers. Moore holds his head 
 in his hands.) We will make that co-ed wish she had 
 never heard of Lakeville. 
 
 ( Wild cheering. Crowd seizes Merwyn and bears him off 
 on shoulders, yioovs. follows, laughing.) 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 19 
 
ACT II 
 
 Same scene. 
 
 (^Enter Moore, Monroe and Smith. Moore is attired in 
 feminine costume, minus the dress. He may hold a 
 quilt around him if desired, as he comes running on 
 the stage with one shoe on, followed by Monroe 7vith 
 the dress and Smith with a wig, a shoe, pins, etc. All 
 are laughing,') 
 
 Moore (breathlessly'). A minute more and they would 
 have caught us. Do you think they suspected us ? 
 
 Monroe. No. They were just coming to your room to 
 ask you to speak at the mass meeting against co- 
 education. 
 
 Moore {^gleefully). Gee. Our scheme is taking likewild- 
 fire. (Looks at his clothes.) But say what you will, 
 this is no kind of costume to slide down a rain con- 
 ductor in. 
 
 Monroe. I thought I never would get this white suit down 
 for you. 
 
 Moore. As soon as I heard them knock on the door I 
 knew it was all off, and I just made one dive through 
 the window and embraced the rain pipe. Of course it 
 is something no real lady would have done, attired in 
 this costume. 
 
 Monroe (excitedly). Hurry up, Ned, put some clothes on. 
 
 Moore (hastily). Oh, wait till I light this cigarette. 
 (Lights cigarette.) Give me that shirt. 
 
 Smith (shortly). Shirt-waist. 
 
 Moore. Shirt-waist, then. 
 
 (Starts to put it on like a ?nan's shirt, Smith assisting. 
 Monroe spreads skirt and coat of suit on fence.) 
 
 Monroe (turning around in disgust). Oh, see here, you 
 pinheads. The other way. It buttons up the back. 
 
 Mooke (turning it around). Of course. So easy when 
 you know how. Here, Smith, button me. (^Imitates 
 imaginary girl.) I declare, these dresses that hook in 
 the back are just too dreadful for anything. 
 
TEE JUNIOR 
 
 Monroe (niaking a ring of the skirt). Here, jump 
 through this. 
 
 Moore. All right. Look out for my cigarette. Help me 
 up. (Monroe holds up skirt. Smith grasps Moore 
 by the waist and jumps him into the skirt.) That's a 
 relief. Now, put on the belts and sashes and jabots 
 and fichus and whatnots. I feel as fresh as a de- 
 butante. 
 
 Smith {briefly). Oh, you're fresh enough. 
 
 Monroe. But not very much debutante. {Inspects him.) 
 Your coming out party is mostly in the back. Here, 
 put this inside your trous — skirt. 
 
 (Stuffs in shirt-waist and fastens belt.) 
 
 Moore {eagerly). Now for the wig. 
 
 {Seizes it, puts it on wrong side before.) 
 
 Monroe {ironically). Only if you turn it round, it's more 
 becoming. 
 
 (MooK'E, fixes wig, throws aivay cigarette, puts on coat, and 
 is a full-fledged girl. Sound of shouting and drum 
 heard without.) 
 
 Moore. Here they come. 
 
 Monroe {hastily). Beat it, now. You have just time to 
 
 get to the station and appear to be coming from the 
 
 II : 20 train. (Moore starts.) 
 
 Smith. Here's your hat. 
 
 (Moore hurries back and puts on hat. He raises his para- 
 sol, nods to them sweetly, and goes off ^.) 
 
 Monroe {looking off r., as though watching him critically). 
 That was a good-looking suit we got at Goldstein's for 
 ten dollars. From the looks of the crowd that was 
 buying them, about half the people he meets will have 
 them on, too. 
 
 {More shouting, beating of drum and blowing of horns 
 without. ) 
 
 {Enter Merwyn, Rockwell, Ricketts and crowd of 
 students, l. , all shouting, ' ' Mass meeting ! Mass meet- 
 
TSE JUNIOR 
 
 ing f Down with the co-eds .'" blowing tin horns, 
 beating the drum. They swarm all over the stage in 
 confusion. Part of them stand on the fence. Rick- 
 WTTS jumps up on bench and attempts to calm them.') 
 
 RiCKETTS {pompously). Gentlemen. (Vociferous burst 
 of cheers. Ricketts borroivs a megaphone from one 
 of the men in the crowd and speaks through it, while 
 the hubbub still continues.) I wish to introduce Mr. 
 Merwyn. 
 
 {A sudden roar of greater cheers. Somebody rings a bell to 
 add to the din. To make this scene carry there must 
 be no half-heartedness about the noise. Each man 
 must do his best to add to the pandemonium at the 
 proper times.) 
 
 Merwyn (impressively). When our forefathers conceived 
 this institution of learning {tremendous cheers) it was 
 to be an institution for the quickening of the masculine 
 brain. {Cheers.) 
 
 Smith. What other kind is there ? 
 
 Merwyn {heartily). Quite right, my friend. Im-meas- 
 urably correct. The female brain does not exist, ex- 
 cept as a corollary to the intelligence of the songer 
 strex {correcting himself ) — of the sronger stex ( /r/wwi- 
 phantly) — of the stronger sex. 
 
 Monroe. Good boy, Merwyn ; he certainly can sling the 
 English language. 
 
 Merwyn {impressively). Now, gentlemen {cheers), as you 
 all know, the Faculty {groans) is endeavoring to thrust 
 coeducation upon us. We have one co-ed in our midst 
 now. To-day, gentlemen, to-day, by the n : 20 train 
 {consulting watch) which should just be arriving now, 
 an unwelcome female comes to smash in sunder all our 
 cherished institutions. I ask you, shall we endure it ? 
 
 All {with mighty shout). No ! 
 
 Merwyn {with enthusiasm). Shall we allow females to 
 deprive us of our birthright ? 
 
 All. No ! 
 
 Merwyn {rising up to his full height and waving his cane 
 in the air). Shall the name of Lakeville be be- 
 smirched with the name co-ed ? 
 
 All. No ! 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 [They burst into a great cheer, which is prolonged, together 
 with tooting of horns, beating of drums, and ringing 
 of the bell, gradually becoming quiet.') 
 
 Merwyn (when it is quiet). Then it is our solemn duty as 
 a Senior class to prevent this misguided female from 
 registering in our University. {More chiers.) Gentle- 
 men, I have further to say {commotion in crowd. All 
 look toward R.), — I have further to say — I have further 
 
 to say (Merwyn stands transfixed in the midst 
 
 of his oration. Enter Moore, r. He looks neither 
 to right nor left, but walks straight through the crowd, 
 carrying suit case and parasol. Crowd is transfixed 
 with wonder. Exit Moore, i,. A moment of silence. 
 All look off i.. yL%wfi\-&, suddenly.) Quick. That's 
 the new co-ed. Stop her. 
 
 (Exeunt every one, x.., falling over each other, the bench, or 
 whatever is in the way. Commotion and shouting 
 heard off stage.) 
 
 (Enter Ricketts and Rockwell, l., hurrying across stage, 
 looking about them.) 
 
 Ricketts. I don't see how she could have escaped us. 
 Rockwell. She's turned around by the Serpentine path. 
 Ricketts. Come on. 
 
 (Exeunt, r.) 
 
 (Enter Merwyn, Monroe, Smith and students, d. l., /<?/- 
 /i?ze//«^ Ricketts ««// Rockwell. Exeunt, r.) 
 
 (Enter Highfield and Janet, l. Janet is dressed in a 
 white suit just like Moore's, and wears a rose.) 
 
 Janet. I will wait for you here, uncle, as I did yesterday. 
 
 Highfield. Very good, my dear. And if any youth 
 annoys you again by staring or by speaking to you, not 
 one cent of my money does this institution receive. 
 
 Janet. Yes, uncle. 
 
 Highfield. Good-bye. I'll be back in half an hour. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 (Janet takes out book and begins to read.) 
 
 23 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 • 
 
 Janet (looking at dress). How these suits crease. I shall 
 never get another ten-dollar suit at Goldstein's. I won- 
 der who this is coming now. (Reads again.') 
 
 (Enter Rockwell, r. Sees Janet, smiles, advances, hesi- 
 tates and, going back, motions. Enter Ricketts, r. 
 Sees Janet, smiles. Both advance, hesitate and, going 
 back, motion off stage. Janet reads book. Enter 
 Merwyn, Monroe, Smith and students, r. They 
 come down in a body and stop suddenly, huddled to- 
 gether, as she looks up. Merwyn advances and clears 
 his throat.) 
 
 Merwyn (desperately). There is a train returning at i : 30. 
 
 Janet (turning, in pretended surprise). Oh! 
 
 Merwyn. The train, as I say, returns at i : 30. 
 
 Janet (bewildered). Why, thank you. I — I— thank you. 
 It's awfully good of you to tell me. 
 
 Merwyn (severely). I need not say that we insist on your 
 taking it. 
 
 Janet. What ! (She is at first indignant, then amused.) 
 
 Merwyn (helplessly). Really, you must, you know. 
 
 Janet. I am sure I wish I could oblige you. I could take 
 it on Thursday for you. I have some shopping to do. 
 
 Merwyn (excitedly). No, now is the appointed time. Go, 
 and never let your shadow fall again upon this green- 
 sward. 
 
 Janet [reprovingly). Dear me — that isn't pretty. 
 
 Merwyn. Pretty ? 
 
 Ricketts (in disgust). Oh, Demosthenes, you aren't get- 
 ting anywhere. 
 
 Merwyn (mopping his brow). You do it, then. 
 
 Ricketts (with dignity). You know what we mean. Go ! 
 
 (Strikes an attitude, pointing R.) 
 
 Janet (rising hastily). I shall go right to the dean's office 
 
 and 
 
 Rockwell. Don't let her matriculate. 
 
 (All rush in and form a circle about her, Janet views 
 them with alarm.) 
 
 Janet (shrinking). What shall I do ? 
 
 (Enter Mabel and Verda, l.) 
 24 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Mabel (drawling). Oh, Mr. Ricketts, what are you 
 
 doing ? 
 Verda (mildly). I never heard of such a thing. 
 Ricketts (hastily). Please don't allow yourselves to be 
 
 drawn into this. This is a co-ed, and 
 
 Mabel (airily). Co-ed nothing ! (Goes to Janet.) How 
 
 do you do, Miss Hale? We met at the shore last 
 
 summer, you remember. You remember Miss Gris- 
 
 wold, too, don't you? 
 Janet. Oh, yes. How do you do ? 
 Mabel. Mr. Ricketts, allow me to present Miss Hale. 
 
 She is a niece of Mr. Highfield, and she is not a co-ed. 
 
 I hope you will let her pass. 
 Ricketts (humbly). I am sure we beg your pardon, Miss 
 
 Hale. 
 
 (Janet nods coldly, and the crowd parts to let Janet, 
 Mabel and Verda out. Exeunt, r.) 
 
 Rockwell. I told you she had a rose in her buttonhole, 
 
 and the other one did not. 
 Merwyn (in despair). They looked as much alike as two 
 
 peas to me. 
 Ricketts. What Rockwell says is true. The other one 
 
 didn't have a rose. 
 Merwyn. Here we go, then, after the one without a rose 
 
 in her buttonhole. 
 
 (Exeunt all, down l.) 
 (Enter Moore, up l. Sits on fence and smokes cigarette.) 
 Moore. Gee ! That was a narrow escape ! 
 (Enter Janet, r.) 
 
 Janet (seeing Moore). Oh, excuse me. 
 
 Moore (in natural voice). Certainly. (Feeling it is not 
 like a lady's voice, he repeats in higher key.) Certainly. 
 
 Janet (retreating in alarm). Why- 
 
 Moore. Pardon me for not taking off my hat, Janet, but 
 it is pinned to my wig, and if I ever got the wig off I 
 am certain I never could get it on again. 
 
 Janet {in astonishment). Neddy Moore ! 
 
 Moore. Exactly. 
 
 Janet. But what are you doing in those clothes ? 
 
 25 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Moore. Smothering. I would give a dollar to be able to 
 take one good full breath. 
 
 Janet. Well — if you aren't a goose — a wild goose. 
 
 Moore. No; I'm tame. You haven't the slightest idea, 
 Janet, how much too small these pumps are. 
 
 Janet (laughing). The general effect isn't small. 
 
 Moore. I see you have no eye for lengths and distances. 
 
 Janet (with interesf). But why this masquerade ? 
 
 Moore. I'm pretending I'm a co-ed. 
 
 Janet (enthusiastically). Oh, fine. Let me see you walk. 
 (Moore walks across the stage. Janet claps her 
 hands.) You're a perfect co-ed. I never saw any- 
 thing so awkward in my life. 
 
 Moore (stiffly). Thank you. 
 
 Janet. Oh, come, come ; you didn't think you were really 
 beautiful, did you ? 
 
 Moore (insinuatingly). Well, of course, I suffer by com- 
 parison just now. 
 
 Janet (reprovingly). No sarcasm, little girl. 
 
 Moore (suddenly). What do you think of your ten-dollar 
 suit ? 
 
 Janet (indignantly). Why, I never heard of such impu- 
 dence ! 
 
 (MooRE laughs.) 
 
 MooRE. Don't try to chuck a bluff, Janet. You see I have 
 
 one just like it. 
 Janet. Caught ! But don't I look just as beautiful as if it 
 
 cost a hundred ? 
 MooRE. Oh, indeed, Janet, you are as beautiful as if it 
 
 cost many thousands. 
 Janet (jvithout moving her hand'). Well, that's very sweet 
 
 and pretty. 
 MooRE. And so are you. 
 Janet. Oh ! 
 
 Moore. Janet. (She turns away.) Janet, I love you. 
 Janet. Silly 1 Doesn't every one ? 
 Moore (earnestly). Please be serious. 
 Janet (thoughtfully). Are you? 
 
 Moore. I am serious. Janet, Janet 
 
 Janet. Then, Neddy, for goodness' sake, don't propose to 
 
 me in that costume. You're so ridiculous. 
 
 26 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 MooR^ (repeating). Ridiculous! (Jle turns away.) Good- 
 bye. 
 
 Janet [softly). Neddy. {He turns back.) Don't go 
 away like that, please. 
 
 Moore {seizing both her hands). Janet, listen. 
 
 (Shouts of the crowd off l. ) 
 
 Janet. Neddy, you mustn't ; not now. (Looks timidly 
 
 off L.) Come to see me to-night. 
 Moore (kissing her hands). Thank you. 
 Janet (tearing rose from her coat). Here, you may wear 
 
 this. 
 
 (He pins it in his buttonhole.) 
 
 Moore (hastily). Here they come. I don't want them 
 
 to catch me here. 
 Janet (in alarm). Catch you ? 
 Moore. Yes. It's a little joke. 
 Janet. Oh, please be careful. 
 Moore. 1 will. Good-bye. 
 
 (Exit, L.) 
 
 Janet. Oh, I hope nothing happens to him. 
 
 (Enter Violet, r. Goes to l., and gazes across campus, 
 shading her eyes with her hand. Then she turns and 
 surveys Janet.) 
 
 "ViouET (with enthusiasm). Gee! Are you twins? 
 
 Janet, (calmly). I? No. 
 
 Violet (suspiciously). Say, you're kidding me. What I 
 just remarked, in a perfectly ladylike manner, I am 
 sure, even if I do say it, as shouldn't, was — are you 
 and the other white wings crossing the campus there 
 (pointing off l.) twins? I am sure a civil question 
 deserves a civil answer. So there. 
 
 Janet. For your information then I make this statement, 
 also in a perfectly ladylike manner, — No. We are not 
 twins. 
 
 Violet. Well, it's funny, ain't it, now? Do you chew 
 gum? 
 
 (Takes out chewing gum.) 
 27 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Janet. Thank you, no. Do you live in this town? 
 Violet (^laboring with an accumulation of gum in her 
 
 mouth). Me ? Me live here ! Why {pausing in her 
 
 chewing')—! grew up with the town. Say, I'm a 
 
 Freshman in the college here. {Chews again.) 
 Janet {in surprise). A co-ed ? 
 Violet. Surest thing {stopping chewing) you know. Ain't 
 
 that scrumptious ? Say, you're the new co-ed, ain't 
 
 you? 
 Janet. No, indeed. 
 Violet {with conviction). Then it's the other white wings. 
 
 She is going to get hers. I'm the only co-ed they are 
 
 going to have in this University. 
 Janet {anxiously). What are they going to do to the 
 
 new co-ed ? 
 Violet {gleefully). Drum her out of town. They're going 
 
 to duck her and ride her on a board to the station, and 
 
 put her on the first train. My eye, it's going to be 
 
 sport. Oh, wow. What we'll do to her is a-plenty. 
 
 {Shouts heard off l.) Good-bye, sweetheart. The 
 
 fun is about to begin. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 Janet {nervously). I hope he gets away. 
 
 {Enter Highfield and President Fowler, l.) 
 
 HiGHFiELD {seeing Janet). My dear, I shall be ready to 
 lunch presently. President Fowler, let me present you 
 to my niece. Miss Hale. 
 
 Fowler {with deference). It is a pleasure, I am sure, to 
 know the niece of so distinguished a person. Miss Hale. 
 
 {There is a great burst of cheering off l.) 
 
 Highfield {frowning). I don't like all this noise. It 
 doesn't show a proper application to studies. 
 
 Fowler {soothingly). Oh, just a little animal spirits, Mr. 
 Highfield. They have just returned from their vaca- 
 tions, you know. 
 
 Highfield {severely). All the more reason why they 
 should act more like gentlemen than anarchists. When 
 I give away my money I want to give it to an institu- 
 tion of learning, and not to a mob of hoodlums. 
 28 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Fowler (with a worried air). Boys will be boys. We 
 can't interfere with orderly mass meetings. 
 
 HiGHFiELD (sharply). All right, so long as they are or- 
 derly. I am going to observe this assemblage. I have 
 my doubts as to their orderliness. 
 
 Fowler {putting hand on his shoulder). My dear Mr. 
 Highfield, always looking on the dark side. 
 
 HiGHFiELD. Perhaps I do. Janet, I will return within five 
 minutes. 
 
 (Highfield nods, Fowler bows, and they go off l.) 
 
 Janet. I hope the boys will not make a disturbance. 
 Uncle is as good as his word. He would not give the 
 University a penny if he saw the slightest bit of horse- 
 play. (She looks off L. ; puzzled.) Why does Neddy 
 sit on that bench — and no one make an attempt to molest 
 him? There he goes — disappearing behind College 
 Hall. But the crowd doesn't follow him. My good- 
 ness, they are coming here. 
 
 {Shouting L., coming nearer. Sounds of drum and dis- 
 cordant burst of tin horns. Mnter Ricketts and 
 Rockwell o?i the run, l. They stop suddenly.) 
 
 Rockwell. There, I told you so. No rose. This is the 
 one. 
 
 {Enter Merwyn, Monroe, Smith and other students car- 
 rying plank.) 
 
 Ricketts. This is the girl. 
 
 M.F.Kv/'m {pompously). Good. (71? Janet.) Young lady 
 of female persuasion — do you refuse to depart from these 
 sunny fields at i : 30 of the clock? 
 
 Janet (indignantly). 1 refuse to be further annoyed by 
 you all. I am Miss Hale, and am not your prepos- 
 terous co-ed. 
 
 Merwyn. Miss Hale had a rose in her buttonhole. Where 
 is your rose ? 
 
 Janet. I gave it away. 
 
 Merwyn. To whom ? 
 
 Janet. To — to {Catches herself.) I refuse to tell 
 
 you, 
 
 29 
 
TEE JUNIOR 
 
 Merwyn. Good bluff, young lady. But it didn't go. 
 Hoist her aboard. 
 
 (^Two men set her on the board. Janet screams. The 
 board is hoisted on their shoulders. Tin horns blare 
 out. They beat the drum, etc. Enter Highfield and 
 Fowler hastily.') 
 
 YhGYivmiSD {excitedly'). Stop! Stop! {They cannot hear 
 him for the noise.) Stop this, I say ! 
 
 {He grasps the drummer roughly by the shoulder. The 
 drummer stops. Every one turns around and seeing 
 Fowler, everything is still as death. Janet hides her 
 face in her hands.) 
 
 Fowler {soothingly). It is nothing, Mr. Highfield. Only 
 one of the students dressed as a girl for a lark. 
 
 Highfield {roughly). Lark, eh? Lark? That's no stu- 
 dent. I'll prove it to you. {Goes round in front of 
 her, pulls hands from her face and falls back in con- 
 sternation.) Janet ! {He stands for a moment look- 
 ing at her. Then he turns to Fowler.) It is my 
 niece. You were wrong. President Fowler. This isn't 
 a lark — neither for me nor for Lakeville. Come, 
 Janet. 
 
 {Turns on his heel and walks off r. '^anki follows.) 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 30 
 
ACT III 
 
 Same scene. Next morning. 
 
 (Violet discovered seated on fence, book in hand.') 
 
 Violet {looking at book). Amo, amas, amat. {Looks 
 away from book.) Amo, amas, amat. {Enter Mer- 
 WYN, L. Violet looks at book.) Amamamus, amatus, 
 amant. {Looks away.) Amamamus, amatus 
 
 (Merwyn laughs. Violet looks up indignantly.) 
 
 Merwyn. What's this about " tomatoes " ? 
 
 Violet {with dignity). Smarty ! I made no allusion to 
 tomatoes. It's a pity a lady can't sit on a fence in a 
 perfectly genteel way and study her lesson unimpaired 
 by you studjents. 
 
 Merwyn {gravely). I assure you that interference with 
 your occupations was quite remote from my mind. 
 
 Violet {mollified). Well, then we won't scrap any more 
 about it. You see, Willy, I'm studying Latin. 
 
 Merwyn. And what is your opinion, by this time, of that 
 excellent old language ? 
 
 Violet {leaning forward confidentially). Willy, I ain't 
 strong for it. There ain't any sense to it. You take 
 this word " amo." Now when one of these old fellows 
 that talked Latin — what do you call 'em ? 
 
 Merwyn {solemnly). Latitudes. 
 
 Violet. Well, when one of these Latitudes wanted to pro- 
 pose to a girl, instead of coming right out with it like a 
 man, he would go up to her and say, "Amo. Amo. 
 Amo." Now that's no way to talk to a lady. I haven't 
 any patience with such tomfoolery. If he meant he 
 loved her, why didn't he say so and be done with it? 
 
 Merwyn {gravely). The same thought has frequently oc- 
 curred to me. 
 
 Violet. And what's the use of all this "amo, amas, amat " ? 
 If they have to have another word for "love" that's 
 their business, but why can't they say, " I arao, you 
 amo, he amos " — like Christians ? I tell you, Willy, a 
 two-year-old child could dope out a better language 
 than this. 
 
 31 
 
TBE JUNIOR 
 
 Merwyn (with feeling). From my own research into that 
 
 language, I cannot help but agree with you, Violet. 
 
 Have you seen Mr. Ricketts or Mr. Rockwell ? 
 Violet. No. Oh, I say, you Seniors are going to get 
 
 yours. 
 Merwyn (with dignity). To what do you refer by this 
 
 expression getting ours? 
 Violet (in high glee). The whole Senior class is going to 
 
 be canned. Whoop ! Oh, my eye. 
 Merwyn. I wish you would converse in your native 
 
 tongue. What idea do you wish to convey by 
 
 "canned"? 
 Violet. They're going to tie it on you, Willy. They're 
 
 going to suspend the whole class for riding old High- 
 field's niece on an ironing board. Oh, wow — what a 
 
 lark! 
 Merwyn. Where did you get this information ? 
 Violet. I heard the dean say so. 
 Merwyn (in consternation). You heard the I don't 
 
 believe a word of it. 
 Violet (complacently). It's true. Ain't it the best thing 
 
 ever happened at this University ? Gee ! What sport. 
 
 (Pokes him in ribs.) Oh, you Willy. Back to the 
 
 necktie counter for yours ! 
 Merwyn. Your merriment is ill-timed, wicked damsel. 
 
 (Enter Ricketts and Rockwell, l.) 
 
 Ricketts (breathlessly). Come on, Demosthenes. Class 
 is having a meeting. It seems that since we took his 
 niece for a ride Thomas J. Highfield has changed his 
 mind about the endowment. Prexy is so furious he is 
 going to fire the whole Senior class ! 
 
 yiE-RVi^s (following toward -L.). They can't do that. It's 
 illegal. I — they can't do it. 
 
 Ricketts. You know they can and they will. 
 
 (Exeunt Merwyn, Ricketts and Rockwell, l.) 
 
 (Enter Moore, r.) 
 
 Violet (laughing). Oh, you candy co-ed ! 
 
 Moore (despondently). Don't you poke fun at me, Violet. 
 
 I've got the blues. 
 Violet. What's the matter with you, Moorey? 
 
 32 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Moore (sitting down dismally on bench'). You know what's 
 
 the matter. I've turned the whole University upside 
 
 down. 
 Violet (exultingly). Then get up and cheer. It isn't 
 
 every one as can do it. 
 Moore. Oh, it's no joke. They are going to expel the 
 
 whole Senior class. 
 Violet. Well, that's an improvement to the University. 
 Moore. Of course it is, if you look at it that way. But I 
 
 don't like to have it on my head. 
 Violet. Any other consequences to your evil acts ? 
 
 Moore {gloomily). Well, Miss Hale 
 
 Violet {knowingly'). You're sweet on her, ain't you ? 
 Moore {looking up in surprise). Frankness, my dear 
 
 Violet, is a great virtue. You conceal nothing in your 
 
 conversation. 
 Violet. Well, ain't you ? 
 Moore {looking off r.). Here comes the lady in question 
 
 now. If you sincerely believe your last statement to 
 
 me, the most tactful thing you can do is to leave. 
 
 Beat it. 
 
 (Violet scrambles down off fence in ludicrous haste cmd 
 makes an elaborate departure, L.) 
 
 {Enter Janet, r.) 
 
 Janet {immediately). Oh, you incorrigible boy ! What 
 you have done ! 
 
 Moore {hastily). You mustn't blame me for consequences 
 like that. I knew I was dealing with a pretty wooden- 
 headed class, but I did not think they would do any- 
 thing quite so foolish as they did. 
 
 Janet {with some warmth). You put me in a very ridicu- 
 lous and humiliating position. Think of being ridden 
 around the streets on a rail. 
 
 Moore {mildly). It was not a rail, Janet. 
 
 Janet. It amounted to the same thing. My uncle will 
 scarcely speak to me this morning. He thinks I was 
 carrying on some sort of "skylarking " game with the 
 students. Oh — I detest practical jokes. 
 
 Moore {humbly). I'm sorry, Janet. 
 
 Janet. As if your being sorry made any difference. 
 
 33 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 MooRK. I realize that. I am going to do my very best to 
 
 rectify it. 
 Janet. You know very well you can't. Good-bye. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 Moore. Janet ! {No answer. He looks after her for a 
 moment.') She's right. {Despondently.') I can't do 
 anything. The fat is in the fire now. I must try to 
 help the Seniors, however. 
 
 {Enter Merwyn, l.) 
 
 Merwyn {observing Moore). Hah ! Behold the villain 
 planning more deviltry. 
 
 Moore {turning). What do you mean, Merwyn ? 
 
 Merwyn. Don't you think I am wise to your game? Did 
 I not observe you, a lady, returning to yonder dormi- 
 tory to don again man's attire? 
 
 Moore {slapping him on the back). Poor old Merwyn. 
 Took you all in this time, didn't I ? 
 
 Merwyn {with dignity). And since you have taken us in, 
 now it is up to you to get us out. 
 
 Moore. How could I do it ? 
 
 Merwyn {assuming an impressive attitude). Attend. 
 First — you wait about on the campus until you see the 
 far-famed Mr. Highfield coming from the College Hall 
 on his way to chapel. Good ! Second — you approach 
 him. Highfield stops abruptly on seeing you and calls 
 out, "What, fellow! Stand asunder!" But you 
 speak up boldly and say, "I did it, I with my ten- 
 dollar linen suit." 
 
 Moore {thoughtfully). I have been thinking that would 
 be the best thing to do. 
 
 Merwyn. Of course it would. What does the great Mr. 
 Highfield do upon observing this act of manly unselfish- 
 ness? He falls upon your neck and cries — "Oh, if I 
 had only had a son like that ! " {Takes out large hand- 
 kerchief and blows his nose vigorously .) Upon my 
 soul it affects me now to think about it. 
 
 Moore {thoughtfully). Aside from the fatherly caress, it 
 listens good to me. 
 
 Merwyn. Then you explain that you were impersonating 
 a girl, in a mere spirit of boyish mischief, but that the 
 Seniors mistook his niece for you and thence this ex- 
 
 34 
 
TEE JUNIOR 
 
 tremely regrettable affair. Whereupon, if he is a rea- 
 sonable man, he will instantly remove all pressure from 
 Prexy, and the Senior class will not be banished from 
 these sacred halls. 
 
 Moore. Demosthenes, I'll do it. I got the Senior class in ; 
 I'll get them out. 
 
 Merwyn. Aye. There spoke Caesar. 
 
 Moore. Merwyn, look there. I believe that's Highfield 
 now. 
 
 Merwyn. It is, indeed. I hear the double eagles jingling 
 in his vest pocket. 
 
 Moore. Are you embarrassed ? 
 
 Merwvn. Not a bit. 
 
 Moore. Then you confess that you impersonated the girl. 
 
 Merwyn. A whale like me ? Quit your kidding. Tell it 
 to him, boy. 
 
 (^Enter Highfield, r.) 
 
 Moore. Mr. Highfield, may I have a word with you ? 
 Highfield (abruptly). What is it? 
 
 Moore. I want to make an explanation, sir, of the unfor- 
 tunate indignity offered your niece 
 
 Highfield (testily). If you can explain that, you are a 
 
 prodigy. 
 Moore. Do you wish to hear what I have to say, sir ? 
 Highfield. Go on. 
 
 Moore. The whole affair was a mistake, sir. 
 Highfield. I should think so. 
 Moore. I mean, the Seniors didn't know — they were not 
 
 aware it was Miss Hale. 
 Merwyn. The long and short of it is, sir, we didn't realize 
 
 it was a girl at all. 
 Highfield. What kind of a cock-and-bull story is this ? 
 
 Don't you know a girl when you see one? 
 
 Merwyn. Yes, of course, but 
 
 Highfield. I'm not a complete fool, you know. 
 Moore (explaining). They thought it was I, sir. 
 Highfield (in a state of dazed incredulity). You ! 
 Moore. Yes. I was disguised as a girl at the time. 
 Highfield (in exasperation). Do you think I'll believe 
 
 anything at all you tell me ? 
 Moore. But, sir, wait till I tell you why I was disguised 
 
 as a girl. 
 
 35 
 
TBE JUNIOR 
 
 HiGHFiELD {laughing ironically). Oh, yes. Why ! Why 
 were you disguised as a girl at half-past eleven in the 
 morning? That's the hard part. 
 
 Moore. Well, sir, you see 
 
 HiGHFiELD. Forget it, young man. I can make up a bet- 
 ter reason myself. Anyway, who in thunder would 
 ever mistake you for my niece ? 
 
 Moore. I swear it's the absolute truth. 
 
 Merwyn. I back him up in that, sir. 
 
 HiGHFiELD. Gentlemen, I don't doubt your veracity in the 
 least. You may think it is true, but it doesn't 
 sound so. 
 
 Merwyn. Do we look as if we were lying ? 
 
 HiGHFiELD. No. That's what gets me. I don't know 
 wliether you're crazy or I am. 
 
 Mooue. It sounds queer when you tell it, but 
 
 HiGHFiELD. It does, indeed. If you can convince me how 
 a square-cornered piece of architecture like this young 
 man could be mistaken for my niece, I'll believe any- 
 thing you say. But I must go. I am leaving town in 
 half an hour, and I want to see President Fowler. 
 
 (Merwyn and Moore exchange looks of dismay.") 
 
 {Enter Janet, l., wearing long motor cloak and veil.) 
 
 Janet. Oh, uncle ! {Sees MERVi^YN and Moore.) How 
 
 do you do? 
 Merwyn. ") ^ ■■ 
 Mooue. \ Good-morning. 
 
 Janet. Uncle, there isn't any train out of town till six- 
 thirty to-night. 
 
 (Merwvn and Moore exchange looks of delight.) 
 
 \ iiGiiFiELD. No train till six-thirty ! Well ! 
 
 Janet. But listen to what I did. I got an automobile to 
 
 take us ! They will express our trunks. And I have 
 
 just purchased this perfectly darling motor-cloak. Isn't 
 
 it great ? 
 Merwyn. ) ^r- 
 Moore. } ^'"^• 
 HiGHFiELD. Hraph ! And where are we to get aboard this 
 
 machine ? 
 Janet. I told him to come here in half an hour. Now I 
 
 36 
 
TBE JUNIOR 
 
 must run over to the hotel and see about our trunks. 1 
 will meet you here. Good-bye. 
 
 (Exit, R.) 
 
 HiGHFiELD. Gentlemen, I must go. I enjoyed vour story 
 very much. 
 
 (Exit, L.) 
 
 Merwyn. Leaving town in half an hour. Good-night for 
 us. What the dickens was the matter with our story, 
 Moore ? It sounded O. K. to me. 
 
 Moore. We ought to have told him a tough one. Nobody 
 believes the truth. 
 
 Merwyn. He's got to believe it. 
 
 Moore. All right — make him. 
 
 Merwyn. By crikey, 1 believe I will. An idea strikes me. 
 
 Moore. What is it ? 
 
 Merwyn (mysteriously). Leave it to me. But I know 
 this. It's all up with the Seniors unless we do some- 
 thing quick. Here come the Bonehead Twins. They 
 just fit in with my idea. 
 
 (Enter Mabel and Verda, r.) 
 
 ^J^^^"^- I How do you do? 
 Moore, j ' 
 
 Mabel (gushitigly). Why, Mr. Merwyn, this is a surprise. 
 
 And Mr. Moore, how do you do ? 
 Verba. Isn't this a delightful encounter? We were just 
 
 pining for company. 
 Merwyn (suddenly). You're in a plot with us. 
 Mabel. Exciting ! 
 Verba. Beautiful ! 
 
 Merwyn. Now let me tell you what you have to do. 
 Mabel. Oh, we couldn't do anything. 
 Verba. We won't take an active part in anything, you 
 
 know. I should be sure to do it wrong. 
 Merwyn. You couldn't do this wrong. Even the most 
 
 elementary intellect could grasp this. 
 Mabel (reluctantly). We'll try, then. 
 Merwyn. We are going to try to deceive Mr. Highfield. 
 
 Mabel }(-'^-^--')- ^^^ ' 
 
 37 
 
THM JUNIOR 
 
 ]^00RE. What are you driving at, Merwyn ? 
 
 Merwyn. Wait. Now, my dear young ladies, Mr. High- 
 field assured us that no one could possibly mistake 
 Neddy Moore here for Miss Hale. 
 
 Mabel. Oh, but they could. He certainly looked like her 
 yesterday. 
 
 Merwyn. We are going to make him look like her again, 
 to-day, and see if Mr. Highfield won't be fooled. 
 
 Moore (Jn astonishment). What! 
 
 Mabel. ) „ • ^ ^- , 
 ■y [• How in-terestmg ! 
 
 Moore (excitedly). How are you going to do this? I 
 can't possibly get ready in time. 
 
 Mabel. What fun. 
 
 Verda. Aren't you crazy about it? 
 
 Moore. But the time ? 
 
 Merwyn {calmly). Now wait. When Miss Hale comes 
 here to meet her uncle she'll sit on yonder bench. Miss 
 Mabel and Miss Verda will take her out on some pre- 
 text — to look at the fall leaves, perhaps — and have her 
 leave that cloak she has bought. You, Neddy, will 
 come in with your hat and automobile veil, put on her 
 cloak and sit there. I'll bet you Highfield takes you 
 for his niece. 
 
 Mabel. ) t-.. 
 
 Verda. P'"^- 
 
 Moore. Old Demosthenes, you've got a lot of sense for a 
 Senior. 
 
 Merwyn. Now, Neddy, you run up to your room and get 
 your wig and hat. We'll meet you here (consulting 
 watch) in ten minutes. Come on, Miss Mabel and 
 Miss Verda. 
 
 Mabel. Isn't this thrilling? 
 
 Verda. Oli, I'm so excited. 
 
 (Exeunt Merwyn, Mabel and Verda, l.) 
 (Enter Smith and Monroe, l., excitedly.) 
 
 Monroe. We heard it all, Neddy. You aren't going to 
 help the Seniors out of a scrape, are you ? 
 
 Moore. I think the Seniors are getting stung too hard, 
 boys. But it certainly goes against the grain to help 
 them out. 
 
 3S 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Smith. It certainly does. 
 
 Monroe. But leave it to us, Neddy. We're going to get 
 
 even with them. Watch us. 
 Smith. We're the people to watch. 
 
 (^Exeunt Smith and Monroe, l.) 
 
 (Moore starts toward fence, r. Enter Janet, r., in auto- 
 mobile veil and long cloak. She carries a camera. 
 Moore stops.") 
 
 Janet. I am still very angry with you. 
 
 Moore. Will you marry me, Janet ? 
 
 Janet. What is your motive in asking? 
 
 Moore. Well, I like your hair. 
 
 Janet. My dear boy, I like your nerve. But I don't ask 
 
 you to marry me. (^Lays camera o?i bench.) 
 
 Moore. Neither do you answer me when I ask you. 
 
 Janet. I tell you I am angry with you. 
 
 (Moore waits a moment.) 
 
 Moore. Now are you angry with me ? 
 Janet. Yes. 
 
 (Moore takes a slow walk around bench.) 
 
 Moore. Now ? 
 
 Janet {laughing). You persistent What was your 
 
 question? (Looks off l.) Oh, but you must run 
 
 along now. Here comes uncle. 
 
 (Moore climbs fence.) 
 
 Moore {leaning over fence). Tell me now. 
 
 Janet. No. {Hastily.) I mean I won't tell you now. 
 
 Moore. Then it doesn't mean "No"? (Janet turns 
 
 away.) Janet, does that mean "Yes"? 
 Janet {without looking at him). Oh, Neddy, run along. 
 Moore. Janet, come here. 
 
 {She turns and goes close to him.) 
 
 Moore {interrogatively). "Yes," Janet? 
 Janet {softly). Yes ! 
 
 {He kisses her and exits R.) 
 
 39 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 (^Enter HiGHFipLD, l.) 
 
 HiGHFiELD (briskly). Are you ready, Janet ? 
 
 Janet. Yes. 
 
 HiGHFiELD. Is the machine here ? 
 
 Janet. I think not. 
 
 HiGHFiELD. I will go look for it. (Pauses and leans on 
 the fence for a moment looking toward rear. Heaves 
 sigh.) Well, Janet, I didn't think I was going to be 
 sorry to leave the old place. (Goes toward r.) I 
 will be back in a few minutes. 
 
 (Exit, R.) 
 
 (Janet sits pensively on bench, looking at ground. Enter 
 Merwyn, l., carefully. Sees Janet. Beckons behind 
 him. Exit, l. Enter Mabel and Verda, l.) 
 
 Mabel. 1 Why, Miss Hale, who would have thought of 
 
 Verda. j seeing you here ! 
 
 Janet (starting). Oh, how do you do ? 
 
 Mabel. ) „. . . 
 
 Vfrda I ^""^ sorry to hear you are going away. 
 
 Janet. I am sorry to be going. 
 
 Mabel. Oh, you haven't seen the autumn leaves from the 
 
 edge of the campus. 
 Verda. And you haven't snapped that grand view of the 
 
 lake from the bluff. ( Gestures off l. ) 
 Janet. I'm afraid I haven't time. I'm waiting for my 
 
 uncle. 
 Mabel ) ^^ ' ^' ^°'^'* ^^^ ^ minute. Just leave your 
 Verda' i ''^'"S^ there on the bench so he will know you 
 ) are not far away. 
 
 (Janet hesitates, then rises, picking up camera.) 
 
 Janet. I would love to get that picture. 
 
 (Janet throws off coat and veil and takes Mabel's arm. 
 Exeunt Verda, Mabel, Janet, l.) 
 
 {Enter Moore, r. Climbs fence and goes over to bench. 
 He is attired in his own clothes, but with girl's wig 
 and hat on his head. He looks carefully about stage, 
 takes up cloak and puts it on. Picks up veil. Enter 
 RicKETTs, Rockwell, Merwyn, Smith, Monroe, l.) 
 40 
 
THE JUNIOR 
 
 Merwyn. That's the style. 
 
 Monroe. Here, let me fix that veil. (^Fastens veil.') 
 Rockwell. Cheese it. Here comes old Highfield. 
 Merwyn. Now, Neddy, do your durndest. 
 
 (^Exeunt all but Moore, l. Moore siis in the same posi- 
 tion that Janet assumed on the bench.) 
 
 {Enter Highfield, r.) 
 
 Highfield. Come, Janet. All ready. Upon my word, 1 
 almost told the chauffeur to go away, because we 
 wouldn't leave to-day. (Moore gets up and walks 
 toward him.) Janet, you certainly are looking uncom- 
 monly well in that new cloak. It's very becoming, 
 really. 
 
 (Moore takes off wig and bonnet afid throws them up in 
 the air with great joy and then dances round the stage. 
 Enter Merwyn, Monroe, Ricketts, Rockwell and 
 Smith, l., shouting excitedly. Highfield gazes at 
 them dazed.) 
 
 Moore {throwing off cloak). I guess we beat you that 
 time, Mr. Highfield. 
 
 (Highfield sits down on bench and bursts out laughing.) 
 
 Highfield. So you boys have been putting up a game on 
 me, eh ? Well, well. 
 
 {Enter Fowler, followed by Janet, Mabel, Verda and 
 Violet, l. Janet crosses to Moore, r. c. Enter 
 crowd, R., leaping over fence. Some sit on it.) 
 
 Fowler. What's this, Mr. Highfield? What's this dis- 
 turbance, gentlemen ? 
 
 Highfield (rising). It's all right. President Fowler. I 
 am just waking up. That's all. The boys are all right. 
 
 Merwyn. Now, fellows, let's give a yell for Mr. Highfield. 
 
 All. Ray ! Ray ! Ray ! Highfield ! Highfield ! High- 
 field ! 
 
 Highfield. Gentlemen, I thank you. I like your town. 
 I like your college. I like you. I am a business man, 
 and used to bargains. I want to make this bargain 
 with President Fowler. If he will reconsider his deci- 
 
 41 
 
TBE JUNIOR 
 
 sion and not suspend the Senior class, I will reconsider 
 my decision and settle an endowment on the University. 
 
 (^Deafening cheer sJ) 
 
 Merwyn (leaping on bench and motioning for silence ; as 
 the noise dies down a little he yells'). What's the mat- 
 ter with Highfield ? 
 
 Crowd {loudly). He's all right ! 
 
 Merwyn. Who's all right ? 
 
 Crowd (still louder). Highfield ! 
 
 ( Wild yells and cheers follow the name. Highfield and 
 Fowler shake hands, smiling. Merwyn jumps down 
 from bench and Smith jumps up.) 
 
 Smith. And as for co-eds — there are none at Lakeville — 
 except the Seniors ! 
 
 (Seniors and crowd all laugh and rush at him. He runs 
 off L., followed by all students except Moore, laugh- 
 ing. Girls, Fowler and Highfield all turn, laugh- 
 ing, and look off l. This leaves Moore and Janet 
 alone, R. c. Moore looks off L. Janet lays her hand 
 on his arm. He turns to her smiling.) 
 
 Janet. What's the matter with Ned Moore ? 
 MooRE. What's the matter with Janet Hale ? 
 
 Janet. He's ) „ • , ^ , 
 
 Moore. She's } ^" "S^' ' 
 
 (He takes her hands and they stand very close together, 
 oblivious of the others.) 
 
 curtain 
 
 42 
 
The Senior 
 
The Senior 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Gordon Wainwright . . A Senior of Lakeville Uni- 
 versity, not " in society " 
 " Perry " Spencer ■) „ . , , , , 
 
 "Pug" Collins y ' ' •^^'"'^ors who regard themselves 
 
 " Nick " Meade ) ''' " '« ^"'^''^y" 
 
 " Tommy " Thompson . Baseball star, and a Sophomore 
 
 " Dub " DUFFIELD Champion debater 
 
 Beane A Freshman, who looks the part 
 
 Eleanor Forbes A popular girl 
 
 Mrs. Lee .... Eleanor^ s aunt, and an aristocrat 
 {This part may double with Miss White.) 
 
 Violet A helpful sort of person 
 
 Gertrude Spencer Spencer's sister 
 
 Miss Jones A Lakeville girl 
 
 Miss White Visiting Lakeville 
 
 Jean Chauffeur 
 
 Mike .i A lunch hustler 
 
 {This part may double with Jean.) 
 
 STORY OF THE PLAY 
 
 One of Mr. Morris's clever quartette of undergraduate plays, 
 with a serious note under the college fun, and a capti- 
 vating love story that comes out "just right." 
 
 Perry Spencer and other members of the Senior class at 
 Lakeville look down on Gordon Wainwright. He be- 
 longs to an old Virginia family, but is poor and has 
 worked his way through college by keeping a lunch- 
 room. A thunder-shower compels Eleanor Forbes, a 
 society girl, to take refuge in the lunch-room, and she 
 becomes interested in Wainwright. Spencer induces 
 
 3 
 
STOBY OF THE PLAY 
 
 him to go to a college dance, thinking to make him 
 ridiculous, but Wainwright seems thoroughly at home, 
 and "cuts out" Spencer with Eleanor. In revenge 
 Spencer's sister tells Mrs. Lee, Eleanor's aunt, of the 
 affair. Mrs. Lee, thinking Wainright far beneath her 
 niece, forbids Eleanor to see him again. But when 
 Mrs. Lee meets Wainwright she finds he is the son of 
 Letty Page, an old friend. The scale is turned in his 
 favor, and the curtain falls on a pretty love scene. 
 
 SYNOPSIS 
 
 Act L — The " Eat-it-Here " Lunch-room. Mike takes the 
 orders. "A round of buck — one order of Fido." 
 "Dub" Duffield can't bluff Violet. Spencer asks 
 Wainwright to take a girl to the Senior hop. " I never 
 go to the dances." Beane, the Freshman, spills the 
 breakfast food. The thunder-shower. Eleanor, storm- 
 stayed, meets Wainwright. "Are you coming to the 
 dance? " Wainwright changes his mind. 
 
 Act n. — A room in the college gymnasium. Violet and 
 Beane serve the lemonade. Violet explains about 
 Adonis and Queen Elizabeth. Spencer criticizes Wain- 
 wright's clothes. Violet and Beane do a barn dance. 
 Spencer claims the "supper dance" from Eleanor. 
 " But you said I could give it to any one who asked 
 me?" "Yes." "I have given this dance to Mr. 
 Wainwright." 
 
 Act in. — Terrace on the campus. " All out for the Senior 
 pee-rade ! " Beane is needed for " the front legs of the 
 sacred calf." Miss Spencer tells Mrs. Lee about Wain- 
 wright. Mrs. Lee and Eleanor. " I ask you not to see 
 this lunch-room person again." Mrs. Lee tells what 
 "Letty Page" would have done. Violet takes Beane 
 for an interview with mother. Eleanor and Wain- 
 wright. " I love you and I can't let you go." Spencer 
 introduces Wainwright to Mrs. Lee. He thinks she 
 will " freeze the lunch-room proprietor." " Mrs. Lee, 
 I think you knew ray mother — Letty Page." "Come 
 and see me to-night — Gordon." Eleanor accepts 
 Wainwright. " What a lot of time we've wasted ! " 
 
COSTUMES 
 
 Wainwright. Act I, sack suit; should, if possible, wear 
 a "Phi Beta Kappa key" on watch-chain. Act II, 
 evening clothes. Act III, flannel trousers, dark coat, 
 straw hat. 
 
 Spencer. Act I, light suit, trousers turned up, tan shoes, 
 decided socks, shirt and tie. Act II, evening clothes. 
 Act III, flannel suit, straw hat. Later, cowboy cos- 
 tume. 
 
 Collins. Act I, light suit, straw hat. Act II, evening 
 clothes. Act III, flannel trousers, dark coat, straw hat. 
 Later, " Buster Brown " suit. 
 
 Meade. About same as Collins. Later, in Act III, sailor 
 costume. 
 
 Thompson. Act I, corduroy trousers, blue shirt, small cap. 
 Act III, dressed to represent half of cow (see text). 
 
 DuFFiELD. Act I, quiet suit. Act II, evening clothes. 
 Act III, same as Act I. Should have decided eccen- 
 tricities of dress, but always neat. Later, in Act III, 
 costume of monk. 
 
 Mike. Dark trousers, white coat. 
 
 Beane. Act I, high-water trousers, collar too big, trousers 
 one pattern, coat of another, coat too small, wide straw 
 hat. Act II, dress suit, old and badly fitting, trousers 
 turned up, shirt mussy. Act III, same as Act I. Later, 
 in Act III, wears costume representing head of cow 
 (see text). 
 
 Eleanor. Act I, summer walking suit. Act II, evening 
 dress. Act III, light afternoon frock, hat, parasol. 
 
 Mrs. Lee. Black dress and hat. Very impressive, digni- 
 fied and stylish. 
 
 Violet. Act I, black skirt, white shirt-waist, red mannish 
 necktie and collar. Act II, gaudy evening dress of 
 cheap material and large plaid bow in hair. Act III, 
 same as Act I. 
 
 Miss Spencer. Act II, evening dress. Act III, light after- 
 noon frock, hat and parasol. 
 
 Miss Jones. Similar to Miss Spencer. 
 
 Jean. Dark suit, puttees, black leather gloves, black leather 
 hat. 
 
 Miss White. Evening dress. 
 
PROPERTIES 
 
 Act I. — ^Lunch-room placards, cash register, plates and 
 other lunch counter furnishings, dishes of food. Pen, 
 sealed letters and ledger for Wainwright. Book for 
 Violet. Sealed letter for Spencer, containing check. 
 Sign for Mike. Box with breakfast food or sawdust 
 for Beane. Grapefruit and pocketbook for Eleanor. 
 Thunder, rain and sunshine effects, if possible. 
 
 Act II. — Lemonade in bowl, glasses, ladle, sugar and 
 lemons. Dance cards for all but Violet and Beane. 
 Flowers for girls. 
 
 Act III. — Cigarettes, Collins and Spencer. Blanket for 
 Jean. Lorgnette, fan and smelling-salts bottle for 
 Mrs. Lee. Club for Meade. 
 
 SCENE PLOTS 
 Act I 
 
 / 
 
 o 
 
 oooo oo 
 
 STOOLS 
 
 Scene. — The " Eat-it-Here " Lunch-room. Door r. leads 
 outdoors. Door L. leads to kitchen. Window r. 
 Shelves and counter across back. Cash register on 
 right end of counter. Stools in front of counter and 
 one behind counter. Placards over shelves. 
 6 
 
SCENE PLOTS 
 Act II 
 
 INTgRIOK aACKIN& 
 
 Scene. — Foyer in college gymnasium. This is supposed to 
 be a space for promenade between dances. Door l. 
 leads to the gymnasium. Door c. leads to outdoors. 
 Door R. leads to dressing-rooms. Table, chairs up l. 
 Screen up r. Plants in corners. 
 
 Act III 
 
 BALUSTKMe 
 
 1 1 
 
 uaao 
 
 UIOOO 
 
 
 mma 
 
 ^ 
 
 Scene. — Terrace on campus outside dormitories. Back 
 drop shows landscape or college buildings. Low balus- 
 trade across back (may Ije omitted). Bench up c. 
 Wood wings. Table and chairs down r. 
 
 7 
 
The Senior 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE.— Ifiierior of the " Eat-it-Here" Lunch-room. 
 
 Walls decorated with signs, — " On accoutit of the dif- 
 ficulty of securing fresh eggs, two poached eggs will be 
 fifteen cents ; any other style, ten cents.'" " The poor 
 
 we have always with us — watch your hat and coat. ' ' 
 
 " Registered sausage," etc. 
 
 (Discovered, Violet at the cash register, Mike behind 
 counter.) 
 
 Violet {looking out of window). Gee, here comes the 
 
 breakfast gang. 
 Mike. Shure. ( Wipes counter. ) Twenty minutes to nine. 
 
 All thim fellows is going to be late. 
 
 (Enter "Pug" Collins, "Nick" Meade, "Tommy" 
 Thompson and " Dub " Duffield. They make a rush 
 for the stools, Thompson next to cash register.) 
 
 Meade. Where's everybody, Mike ? 
 
 (Throughout this scene those seated on stools in front of 
 counter must be careful to turn wholly or in part toward 
 audience while speaking.) 
 
 Mike. Shure, they've beat it long ago. They're the real 
 students. What's yer orders ? Slip 'em tuh me. 
 
 Thompson. Good-morning, Violet. 
 
 Violet. Hello. Don't set on that there stool. A fellow 
 just bounced a poached egg on it. 
 
 Thompson {getting up and looking at stool). I don't see 
 any eeg on the stool. 
 
 Violet. No — that's one on you, Thompson. 
 
 9 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 (Thompson turns, showing yellow spot on trousers. This 
 may be made with yellow chalk. All students laugh 
 and point.") 
 
 Meade. My, my, Thompson, I knew there was a yellow 
 
 streak in you somewhere. 
 Thompson. Cut it out. {Makes a hasty dab at trousers 
 
 with napkin, and reseats himself on stool.') Say, Violet, 
 
 did you miss me at supper last night ? 
 Violet. No. Every time some one leaves the door open 
 
 and something like you blows in, you don't suppose I 
 
 get nervous precipitation of the heart, do you ? 
 Collins. That's stinging you some, "Tommy. Mike, I 
 
 guess I'll have some flannel cakes and syrup. 
 Mike. Right. {Calls off i..) Three down comforts. Let 
 
 the maple come. 
 Meade. Buckwheat cakes, for mine. 
 Thompson. Sausage. 
 Mike {calling off). Make it a round of buck. One order 
 
 of Fido. 
 Duffield. I rawther think I'll have a glawss of boiled 
 
 milk and a Uneeda biscuit. 
 Collins. Oh, for heaven's sake. Duff, you eat like a man 
 
 with one foot in the grave. 
 Duffield. Excellent for the voice, you know. I wouldn't 
 
 be the debater I am if I didn't conserve my natural re- 
 sources. 
 Mike {calling off). Boil a rasher of milk for the regular 
 
 customer. 
 
 (MiKE^^w to door L., receives dishes, and serves Collins, 
 Meade atid Thompson.) 
 
 Collins. Say, Meade, tell me this. Does Wainwright 
 
 really pay all his expenses here at Lakeville with the 
 
 receipts of this lunch-room ? 
 Meade. Well, I understand he hadn't a cent in the world 
 
 when he came to college ; and his family seem to be 
 
 as poor as church mice. 
 Violet. No, he ain't had one single dollar since he's been 
 
 at Lakeville that he ain't earned by the sweat — er^ 
 
 perspiration of his brow. 
 Meade. How do you know that, noble girl ? 
 Violet. I thank you, he told me hisself. 
 
TBE SENIOR 
 
 Meade. What, Mr. Wainwiight told you so, hisself ? 
 
 Violet. Yes, he did. And he would have had about ten 
 dollars more if you would of paid for your food when 
 you et it. 
 
 DuFFiELD. Violet, it strikes me that your grammar is de- 
 teriorating. 
 
 Violet. Oh, you go on and drink your boiled milk; and 
 leave my grammar be. 
 
 {Enter "Perry" Spencer, r.) 
 
 Spencer {vaulting up on stool). Hello, bunch. Same as 
 
 usual, Mike. 
 Mike (calling off ). Mr. Spencer's breakfast. 
 Spencer. Give me a cup of coffee, quick. 
 Mike (/(? Collins). Well, Pug, feeling fit ? Think you're 
 
 in condition for the dance to-night ? 
 
 {Hands coffee to Spencer and milk to Duffield.) 
 
 Collins. Never better, Mike. 
 
 Spencer. Hi, Violet ! 
 
 Violet. Oh, you Spency ! They do say you are goin' to 
 be among those present in the society circles to-night. 
 
 Spencer. Among those present? Why, society is going to 
 revolve about me to-night. 
 
 Duffield. Aw — all this conversation about the Senior hop 
 bores me. You dawnce round, with some thin girl's 
 backbone balanced in the hollow of your hand, until 
 you are blue in the face, and then sit down on a col- 
 lapsible chair in a drawft and try to look optimistic. 
 And that's a Senior hop. 
 
 Spencer. Oh, cut the hot air. You have just accumulated 
 a boiled milk jag. 
 
 {Enter Gordon Wainwright, r. Walks quietly back of 
 counter and picks up some letters by cash register. The 
 whole room is silent as soon as he enters. He looks 
 up and nods to the boys at the counter.') 
 
 Wainwright. Hello, boys. {He opens his letters, glances 
 
 at them, and casts them aside.) Mike ! 
 Mike. Yis, sor. 
 Wainwright. No more chicken sandwiches for a while. 
 
 (Violet looks up inquiringly.) 
 II 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Thompson. Pork scarce, Wainy? 
 
 Wainwiught. No. {Smiles.) Always plenty of Sophomores. 
 
 Collins. Oh, you Sophomore. Gee, but that made me 
 laugh. 
 
 Meadk. I guess we'll call Tommy "ham and eggs" after 
 this. 
 
 Spencer. Say, Wainwright, they tell me you paid your ex- 
 penses through college with this dog-wagon. 
 
 Meade. Oh, say, cut it out, Perry. You're so raw. 
 
 Collins. Don't pay any attention to him, Wainwright. 
 He hasn't any manners. His father's in the beef trust. 
 
 Wainwright {smiling). I don't mind answering. 
 
 Spencer {sulkily). I don't see why he should attempt to 
 conceal the fact that he makes his living with a lunch- 
 wagon. Everybody knows it. 
 
 Wainwright. And if they don't believe it, Spencer, send 
 them to me. Violet, how much does Mr. Spencer 
 owe us ? 
 
 Violet {opening book). Fourteen seventy- five. 
 
 Wainwright. To answer your question, Spencer, I have 
 paid my expenses through college all except fourteen 
 dollars and seventy-five cents. 
 
 Spencer. I'll pay you that when I get a check. 
 
 Violet. Bing ! {Sings.) The sweet bye-and-bye. 
 
 (.fiw/ifr Beane, r. ; falls over stool.) 
 
 Beane {looking at stool and rubbing his head). Well, now, 
 
 as pa says — 
 
 Spencer {mimicking him). As pa says — there's another 
 
 stool — fall over that, fresh. 
 Beane {abashed). Er — I — I- Letter for you, Mr. 
 
 Spencer. 
 Spencer. Give it to me. 
 
 (Beane drops it, knocks off his hat getting it, and presents 
 it. Spencer opens letter andcheck falls on floor.) 
 
 Wainwright. There's your check on the floor, Spencer. 
 
 Violet {making face). A-a-a-uh. Stung ! 
 
 Spencer {with bad grace). Cash that, will you, Wain- 
 wright, and keep your confounded fourteen seventy- 
 five ? 
 
 Wainwright. Gi\e him the money, Violet. Mike, I want 
 to see you. 
 
 12 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 (^Exeunt Mike and Wainwright, l.) 
 
 DuFFiELD. Any one going over ? 
 
 (^Exeunt Thompson and Duffield, r.) 
 
 Spencer (reading letter). Confound it 
 
 Collins. Well, what ? 
 
 Spencer. Did you ever hear anything to beat this ? My 
 sister is going to bring another girl with her. 
 
 (Beane stumbles out r. Violet follows.') 
 
 Collins. Do you know her ? 
 
 Spencer {glumly). Yes. 
 
 Collins. Good-looking ? 
 
 Spencer (^glancing around him cautiously). She's a lemon ! 
 
 Meade. Oh, help ! 
 
 Spencer. And 1 have to find a partner for her. Why 
 can't my sister consult me first ? Just because the girl 
 happened to be visiting her, she brings her along — all 
 the way from (jtame distant place). 
 
 Collins. Take her yourself. 
 
 Spencer. What ! Me take a lemon ! Nix on the self- 
 denial. {Impressively.) I'm taking Eleanor Forbes. 
 
 Meade (excitedly). What ! Is Eleanor Forbes coming to 
 the dance this year ? 
 
 Collins. All the way from Louisville ? 
 
 Spencer (witheringly). Louisville ! Richmond, my boy. 
 Fine old Southern family. She and her aunt are com- 
 ing in a private car. 
 
 Collins. All right. Wherever she comes from, she's a 
 winner. Hoo-ray ! 
 
 ( Waltzes around with arm crooked, as though holding girl.) 
 
 Meade. Subside, Pug, you large globule. 
 
 Spencer. But what am I going to do about this girl — this 
 
 Mary White ? 
 Collins. I'd take her, but I'm taking Peggy Jones. 
 Meade. And I am taking your sister. 
 Spencer. Every one, of course, has a girl. 
 Meade. Oh, there must be some one ! 
 Spencer. I don't know of a single fellow who hasn't a girl. 
 Collins. Nor I. 
 Meade (suddenly). I've an idea ! 
 
 13 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Spencer. Shoot it forth. 
 
 Meade. Ask Waiuwright. 
 
 Spencer. Good-night for that idea ! 
 
 Meade. Why not ? He's big and good-looking. 
 
 Spencer. Send her to a dance with a lunch-room chef ? 
 
 Why, he'd be like a bull in a china shop. 
 Collins. Oh, say, Meade, you're an awful bonehead, 
 
 you know. Solid ivory from the teeth up. 
 Spencer. Sure. You're crazy. 
 Meade. Well, did you ever see him act like anything but 
 
 a gentleman ? 
 Spencer. No. He's all right behind his counter. That's 
 
 where he belongs. But there's no use trying to make 
 
 a gentleman out of a low-brow like that. 
 Meade. Then 1 guess you'll have to take the lemon your- 
 self. 
 Spencer (with energy). By thunder, I won't ! {Peevishly.) 
 
 Oh, come on then, let's ask Wainwright. \Calls off.) 
 
 Oh, Wainwright ! 
 Wainwright (off i..). Yes. 
 
 (^Enter Wainwright, l. He comes down in front of 
 counter, and carries letter) 
 
 Spencer. Wainwright, my sister is bringing a girl for the 
 dance to-night, and — ah — well, the truth is, we can't 
 get any one to take her — and we've come to the con- 
 clusion we'd ask you to — be her escort. 
 
 Wainwright. You flatter me, I'm sure. But I never go 
 to the dances. 
 
 Spencer. I've a second-best suit of evening clothes that 
 would fit you all right. 
 
 (Wainwright looks at him a moment, and then laughs.) 
 
 Wainwright. You're very kind. But I couldn't do it. 
 
 Meade. You have evening clothes, haven't you, Wain- 
 wright ? 
 
 Wainwright. Yes. 
 
 Spencer. Then what's the matter? Come along. You 
 dance, don't you ? 
 
 Wainwright (going up r. and opening letters). Yes. 
 And I read and write; and 1 brush my teeth in the 
 morning, Spencer. 
 
 14 
 
THE SENIOB 
 
 Spencer. Well, of course you dance. Fine. Now this is 
 all you have to do. First to dance around with the 
 girl. Perhaps you say, "Fine floor" or "Bully 
 music," to be entertaining. 
 
 Wainwright. Oh, is that it ? 
 
 Spencer. Yes. When the dance is over, you take the girl 
 to the refreshment table, pour her out a glass of lemon- 
 ade and give it to her, — before drinking any yourself. 
 By that time the music will be starting for the next one. 
 It's very simple. 
 
 Wainwright (^politely). Yes. 
 
 Spencer. You won't have any trouble. Now, how about 
 it? 
 
 Wainwright. Couldn't think of it. 
 
 Spencer. Well, I'm not going to stand here and coax you. 
 
 Meade. Oh, Perry, cut it out. You're as raw as a piece 
 of beef. {To Wainwright.) The truth is, old man, 
 you could do us a considerable favor by accepting. 
 Won't you think it over ? 
 
 Wainwright. Oh, no, Meade, I can't do it. 
 
 Meade. Will you consider it? 
 
 Wainwright {reluctantly). Well — yes. But there's no 
 use 
 
 Meade. Well, give it some thought. We'll be back at 
 lunch time. Come on, Perry; you had better take us 
 over to College Hall in your machine. We're going to 
 have a thunder-storm. (Looks out of door r.) 
 
 Spencer. All right. Come on. 
 
 Meade. So long, Wainwright. 
 
 Collins. ) r. , 
 
 Spen-cer. } S° '°"g- 
 
 Wainwright. Good-bye. {Exeunt Collins, Spencer and 
 Meade, r.) Mike ! {Enter Mike, l.) Mike, bring 
 in that sign. It's going to rain. 
 
 Mike. Yis, sor. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 
 (Wainwright goes behind counter, closes window r., takes 
 up ledger-book and starts toward l. He stops with 
 his hand on the counter.') 
 
 Wainwright {thoughtfully). And my mother was known 
 as the finest lady in Virginia. Supposeshe had heard 
 any one instructing me how to behave at a dance. 
 
 IS 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 (Laughs scornfully. Exit, L.) 
 
 (Enter IVIike, r., bearing sign: "A cheerful welcome to 
 tight-wads and spenders alike. The Eat-it-Here 
 Lunch-room.'") 
 
 Mike. Sure, it's going to be a real thunder-storm. About 
 half the studjents is going to get caught in it, and the 
 spring crop of last year's straw hats is going to be 
 ruined entirely. 
 
 (Stage is getting dark.) 
 
 (Enter Violet, r.) 
 
 Violet. Say, Mike, who's the chef in this swell caf6 ? 
 
 Mike. Sure, that's me. 
 
 Violet. Then agitate yourself. I suppose you don't know 
 there's a couple of pans of near-cream setting out where 
 this cloud-burst is going to drown them ? 
 
 Mike. My, my, you're the thoughtful one. 
 
 (Exit Mike, l. Begins to rain without. Violet looks 
 out door.) 
 
 Violet (calling off). Say, you Beane boy. Don't you 
 know enough to come in out of the rain ? (Enter 
 Beane, r., stumbling over threshold.) Trying to com- 
 mit suicide by drowning ? 
 
 Beane (hesitatingly). No. 1 — I^ — you understand — I 
 
 Vtolet. Contract your chest and shoot it out. 
 
 Beane. I didn't want to buy anything. 
 
 Violet (sharply). Why don't you feed that opening of 
 yours here? This is the best place. 
 
 Beane. I — I do — when I 
 
 (Enter Wainwright, l.) 
 
 Violet. Well, when what ? 
 
 Beane (profoundly embarrassed). When I can afford it. 
 
 (Violet looks at him hard.) 
 
 Violet. Where did you eat your breakfast ? 
 
 (Beane sits on stool and mops his brow.) 
 
 Beane. I wasn't hungry this morning. I ■ 
 
 i6 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 (Wainwright sits on stool beside Beane, Mid puis hand on 
 his shoulder.') 
 
 Wainwiught. Old man, four years ago I came to college 
 without a penny. And many a day I have lived on 
 one meal. Violet, take Beane out there {motioning L.) 
 and let him help himself. 
 
 Beane. Why — thank you, Mr. Wainwright. Say — you — 
 you're 
 
 {Knocks over breakfast food box in his embarrassment and 
 spills it on the floor. Starts to gather it up.) 
 
 Wainwright. There, let it alone. {Puts hand on his 
 shoulder.) It is good for the floor. Send Mike in to 
 clean it up, Violet. 
 
 Violet. Come on, Beane, old boy. Don't try to put one 
 of those boxes in your pocket again. 
 
 Beane {grinning). AH right. Miss Violet. As pa says 
 
 {Exeunt Violet and Beane.) 
 
 Wainwright. Hungry ! When they start out to earn their 
 own education the first thing they learn is the location 
 of their digestive systems. Whew ! I guess I know. 
 {Goes to work behind counter with books. Enter 
 Mike, l. ; cleans up breakfast food and exits l. It 
 begins to rain hard without.) Gee ! But that's a 
 storm. 
 
 {Enter Eleanor Forbes, r. Looks about her uncertainly. 
 Wainwright stands up in surprise.) 
 
 Eleanor. May I stay here out of the rain ? 
 
 Wainwright. To be sure. 
 
 Eleanor. I thought I could make College Hall before it 
 came on hard. 
 
 Wainwright. Won't you have a — I was going to say a 
 chair — but won't you have a stool? 
 
 Eleanor. Thank you. {Sits down before counter. Wain- 
 wright goes back and starts to write in book.) I beg 
 your pardon, but I want that half grapefruit, please. 
 (Wainwright rises and picks up grapefruit.) Not that 
 one. There. Thank you. 
 
 Wainwright. I hope it is a good one. 
 
 17 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 (She eats the fruit, pretending not to notice him. He pre- 
 tends to work. He goes to door, looks out, and comes 
 back. Thunder heard off.) 
 
 Eleanor (finishing). Now I must pay for this. 
 
 (^Opens silver pocketbook.) 
 
 Wainwright. Never. It is the common law that all mar- 
 iners, innkeepers and proprietors of small-fry lunch- 
 rooms who preserve people from the blasts of the storm 
 must give them aid and comfort without expense. 
 
 Eleanor. What a convenient rule. (Looks through her 
 purse.) Especially as I haven't a penny. (Wain- 
 wright laughs, takes away her plate, puts it under 
 the counter and hands her finger-bowl.) Are you the 
 proprietor of this lunch-room? (Wipes her fingers.) 
 
 Wainwright. Yes. (Pause.) 
 
 Eleanor (pointing to his watch-charm). But how does it 
 happen that the proprietor of this "small-fry lunch- 
 room " is also a Phi Beta Kappa? 
 
 Wainwright. Oh — I'm a student at the University — a 
 Senior. (He comes down L.) 
 
 Eleanor. How have you managed to do both ? 
 
 Wainwright. It was not very difficult. I have paid my 
 way through college with this place. 
 
 Eleanor. But why a lunch -room? 
 
 Wainwright. I found when I first came to college that 
 most of my money went to the restaurants, so I decided 
 to keep one. (Sits on stool, L.) 
 
 Eleanor. But it's so — so 
 
 Wainwright. Lowering? 
 
 Eleanor. That was about the idea. Pardon me if 
 
 (Pauses, embarrassed.) 
 
 Wainwright (thoughtfully). I felt that way, too, once. 
 But I have had some hard knocks in my life, and I 
 have learned that there is but a small crevice between 
 the low-born and the well-born. The great gulf — I 
 hope you will excuse this rather flowery idea — is be- 
 tween the aristocracy of ambition and the rank and file 
 of sloths and dullards. 
 
 Eleanor. Yes. (Presently.) But I would know the 
 gentleman born as soon as I met him. 
 i8 
 
THE SSNIOB 
 
 Wainwright. How ? 
 
 Eleanor. Well (^laughing) I would know when he shook 
 hands with me, I think. 
 
 Wainwright {earnestly). That's just it. It's a few prac- 
 ticed tricks and graceful manceuvers that distinguish 
 the cavalier from the sheep-boy. Nothing more. {Gets 
 up suddenly and laughs.) Oh, here I am heaving 
 stones at all the ideas I have been brought up to hold 
 most sacred. Have a grapefruit, won't you, to cool 
 your fevered brow ? I forget how my preaching must 
 bore people. 
 
 Eleanor. On the contrary, I never was so much interested. 
 
 Wainwright. Your politeness is glorious. 
 
 Eleanor. Please go on. Talk to me some more. 
 
 Wainwright. As I was saying. Miss {Hesitates an 
 
 instant and goes on quickly.) As I was 
 
 Eleanor {smiling). I am Miss — Forbes. 
 
 Wainwright. Are you, indeed ? 
 
 Eleanor {surprised). Does that name mean anything to 
 you? 
 
 Wainwright {with an air of banter). Don't you know 
 you made a great hit the last time you were here ? 
 The boys are all talking about you. I don't believe 
 they know you are here yet, or they'd be swarming 
 around you. 
 
 Eleanor. 'They are all very dear and enthusiastic, Mr. 
 
 {Pauses deliberately. Wainwright laughs.) 
 
 Wainwright. I am Gordon Wainwright. 
 
 Eleanor. Mr. Wainwright, I am exceedingly obliged to 
 you for your hospitality. I fear, however, it has 
 stopped raining. {Sun shines in the window.) 
 
 Wainwright. Has it ? 
 
 Eleanor. Maybe it is still raining just a little. {Opens 
 door and laughs.) Isn't that provoking ? It isn't rain- 
 ing even one drop. The sun's coming out. 
 
 Wainwright. Let me see ; isn't the ground too wet ? 
 
 Eleanor. No, no. No fair cheating. I must go. Au 
 revoir. Are you coming to the dance ? 
 
 Wainwright {smiling). Afraid I'm too old. 
 
 Eleanor. Oh, nonsense ! Look at me. I'm twenty-two, 
 and see how I hang on. {Holds out her hand. ) Good- 
 bye. 
 
 19 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 (Wainwright takes her hand and bows.') 
 
 Wainwright. Good-bye. 
 
 Eleanor. Now I would have known you were a gentle- 
 man, from the way you did that. f^Goes r.) 
 
 Wainwright. Thank you. Please walk by this way the 
 next time it rains. {Exit Eleanor, r. Wainwright 
 sits down at his desk, but instead of working he sits 
 with his pen poised in his hand and gazes absently in 
 front of him. Then he goes r. to window and looks 
 out meditatively in the way Eleanor has gone. Goes 
 L., and looking down at book on counter, whistles 
 softly. Suddenly he slams the book violently shut.) 
 Mike! 
 
 (^Enter Mike, l.) 
 
 Mike. Yis, sor. 
 
 Wainwright. Go tell Bernstein to send up for my evening 
 clothes and press them. I'm going to the dance to- 
 night. 
 
 Mike (^grinning). Yis, sor 1 
 
 curtain 
 
 20 
 
ACT II 
 
 SCENE. — Foyer of the college gymnasinm. This is sup- 
 posed to be a sort of wide hall or room used as a place 
 to promenade between dances. Lemonade table up L. 
 Screen up r. Potted plants in corners. 
 
 {Discovered, Violet and Beane. Violet is dressed in a 
 bright cheap dress, with a large plaid bow in her hair. 
 Beane is in a dress suit of large proportions, with the 
 trousers turned up, the shirt front mussed and the 
 necktie tied in a vertical manner. Music is playing 
 very softly off.) 
 
 Violet {surveying him). Well, Beaney, old buckshot, if 
 you and Adonist was placed in a bag and shook up, 
 people couldn't never tell you apart. 
 
 Beane. Who's Adonist ? 
 
 Violet {wither ingly). Say, Beaney, you got a brain like a 
 dollar watch. Why, listen ; Adonist he was one of 
 those old-time fellows that went in strong for fussing 
 the women. Why, don't you know, he was the guy 
 that put his ermine overcoat down in a place where 
 they was repairing a sewer so Queen Elizabeth wouldn't 
 get her feet muddy. 
 
 Beane {fervently'). Now isn't that just like a woman? 
 Never takes her overshoes when she needs 'em most. 
 Why, pa says 
 
 Violet. Look-a-here ! No reflections on my sex, if you 
 please. Don't you suppose a queen has got somethin' 
 else to think about besides overshoes ? 
 
 Beane. She had no call to make anybody put his best 
 overcoat down in the mud. Wasn't there a piece of 
 burlap bag or a board anywhere around ? 
 
 Violet {disgusted). Oh, you make me ill. 
 
 Beane {propitiatingly). How much does an ermine coat 
 cost? 
 
 Violet {mollified). Well, the real article, three-quarter 
 length, costs {Stops to think.) Well, the cheap- 
 est I ever seen 'em was at Goldenberg's for twenty-three 
 seventy-nine. The imitations, of course, is cheaper. 
 
 21 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Beane. Gee ! He must have been a sport. This 
 
 Adonist 
 
 Violet {interrupting). Say, listen. Go bring me the 
 
 sugar, pinhead. 
 
 {Stirs lemonade. Beane goes behind screen for sugar.) 
 
 Beane {bringing sugar). Well, was he — {hesitating) was 
 he 
 
 Violet {impatiently). Yes. Get it out. 
 
 Beane. Was he What business was this Adonist 
 
 chap in ? 
 
 Violet {pityingly). Say, listen. Didn't you ever learn 
 nothing on that farm you was brought up on? The 
 only business he had was being Adonist. Artist fel- 
 lows used to paint his picture setting on a rock with a 
 zither in his hand and — and — without his clothes. 
 
 Beane {shocked). Violet ! I don't think that's ladylike. 
 
 Violet {defiantly). I don't care. They did. There's a 
 picture of him over at the art museum. Though how 
 he could set out the way he did on a jagged rock with- 
 out a cushion is more than I can understand. 
 
 {Music starts into two step off l.) 
 
 Beane {looking off i..). There they go. 
 
 Violet {looking off l.). Oh, there's Mr. Wainwright. 
 
 Gee ! He's the real candy, ain't he ? But that Spencer 
 
 girl with him — ugh ! She's such a lemon it puckers 
 
 my mouth to look at her. 
 Beane {attempting, after several false starts, to put his 
 
 arm around her). I know a lady that's no lemon 
 
 though. 
 Violet {pushing him away, but looking pleased). Ain't 
 
 you got no manners, Beaney? Besides, everybody can 
 
 see you here. 
 Beane. I don't care. Let 'em. Say, Miss Violet 
 
 {Enter Eleanor and Spencer, l.) 
 
 Eleanor {to Violet). Have you a needle and thread? 
 I've torn my skirt. {Goes across stage to r.) See 
 you in a minute. Perry. {Stops.) Oh, Perry ! I have 
 a vacant dance on my program. Am I supposed to 
 dispose of it if any one asks for it ? 
 
THE SENIOS 
 
 Spencer (smiling knowingly). Yes. If any one asks you ! 
 Eleanor. You uncomplimentary boy ! Why do you say 
 
 if any one asks me ? 
 Spencer {laughing blandly). Just wait and see. 
 Eleanor. All right. {To Violet.) Will you help me 
 
 fix my dress ? 
 Violet. Yes. 
 
 {Exeunt Eleanor and Violet, r. Beane awkwardly stirs 
 lemonade, taking large drinks now and then with a 
 critical air, as though tasting it.) 
 
 {Enter Duffield, c.) 
 
 Spencer. Hello, Dub ; what're you doing here ? Thought 
 you didn't believe in dances. Have some lemonade? 
 
 Duffield. No, thanks ; just eating a cough lozenge. Good 
 for the throat, you know. 
 
 Spencer. Here, Ganymede, some ambrosia. 
 
 Beane {stiffly). My name ain't Meadey. 
 
 Spencer. Why — hullo — it's our graceful Freshman friend. 
 All right, fresh. Let's have the lemonade. 
 
 (Beane attempts to ladle out lemonade and spills most of it 
 on the floor.) 
 
 Duffield {looking at lemonade on the floor). Have you 
 
 on ovahshoes ? 
 Beane. No, sir. 
 Duffield. You should have. If you keep on like that 
 
 you will catch youah death of dampness before the 
 
 evening is ovah. 
 Beane. Yes, sir. I'll get them, sir. 
 
 {Darts behind screen, emerges with overshoes and puts 
 them on.) 
 
 Duffield {seriously). That's very much bettah. {To 
 Spencer.) Spencer, they tell me that no girl at the 
 Lakeville Senior hop ever has the dawnce just before 
 suppah engaged. 
 
 Spencer. No. That number is left vacant. 
 
 Duffield. Why is that ? I never go to these dawnces. 
 The girl dawnces it with her partner, I suppose. 
 
 Spencer. Yes. It's just a quaint college custom, you 
 know. 
 
 23 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 DuFFiELD. Quaint ! Oh, d'yuh me ! 
 
 Spencer. You see, it is generally understood that no man 
 
 will ask a girl for the dance, so her partner naturally 
 
 gets it. 
 
 {Music stops.') 
 
 {Enter Miss White and Wainwright, l.) 
 
 Miss W. I wish they wouldn't play the music so fast. It 
 
 bores me to extinction. 
 Wainwright. It was fast. Have some lemonade. 
 Miss W. Oh, no. I hate lemonade. 
 Wainwright. How about the moon? Does that bore 
 
 you ? We might go out on the balcony. 
 
 (Goes toward door c.) 
 Miss W. In just a minute. I think my skirt is torn. 
 {Exit, L. Wainwright comes down r.) 
 {Enter Collins and Miss Jones, c.) 
 
 Collins {laughing). And upon my word I haven't seen 
 her since that day. 
 
 Miss J. Naughty, impolite boy. {To Beane.) Some 
 lemonade. Not a full glass. {Sees Duffield.) Oh, 
 you old bachelor ! Who would have expected to see 
 you here? {Shakes hands with him. To Beane, who 
 brings lemonade.) Oh, you're spilling it ! 
 
 (Beane spills lemonade.) 
 
 Duffield. Nevah mind. He is well protected against the 
 rising tide by his goloshes. 
 
 (Collins, Miss J. and Duffield converse down l.) 
 
 Spencer {crossing to Wainwright, down r., with a pat- 
 ronizing air). Now, if you get in a tight place, and 
 don't know what is the proper thing to do, just call on 
 me, old man. 
 
 Wainwright {dryly). Thank you, Spencer. 
 
 Spencer. Let me look at your clothes. {Surveys him 
 critically.) Well, you do pretty well — you do pret-ty 
 —well. You look almost as if you had been used to 
 this sort of thing all your life. 
 24 
 
TBE SENIOR 
 
 Wainwright. Now, that is very encouraging, really. 
 
 (Zr<f strolls slowly up stage and stands looking out door C.) 
 
 (^Enter Miss Spencer, Miss W., ««</ Eleanor, r. Miss 
 S. comes down R. to Spencer. Miss W. crosses l., 
 and speaks to Collins. Eleanor crosses l., and 
 speaks to Miss J. and Duffield.) 
 
 Collins. I think this next is ours, Miss White. 
 
 (Collins and Miss W. exeunt l.) 
 
 Spencer (to Miss S.). For goodness' sake take Wain- 
 wright away. I don't want to have to introduce him 
 to Eleanor. 
 
 Miss S. Oh, I'm the patient martyr. Come on, Mr. 
 Wainwright. (Goes L.) 
 
 Eleanor (seeing Wainwright). Oh, Gerty, dear, don't 
 run away. I haven't seen you a minute yet. 
 
 (They stand c.^ 
 
 Miss S. (sweetly). Mr. Wainwright, Perry is dying to 
 smoke a cigarette with you. 
 
 (Wainwright turns and comes slowly down c.) 
 
 Eleanor. Oh, please don't punish any one by making him 
 smoke a cigarette with Perry. Why can't Mr. 
 
 (Looks at Wainwright.) 
 
 Miss S. (resignedly'). Oh, I beg your pardon. Eleanor, let 
 me present Mr. Wainwright — Miss Forbes. (Music 
 begins L.) Oh, come, we must go in. 
 
 Eleanor (to Wainwright). What a shame ! 
 
 Wainwright. Have you a spare dance. Miss Forbes ? 
 
 Eleanor. Have you the ninth taken ? 
 
 Wainwright. No. 
 
 Eleanor. I'll give you half of that. It's Perry's. He 
 won't mind. 
 
 (Eleanor turns to Duffield. Miss J. laughs aw(/ Spencer 
 looks daggers at Wainwright. Exeunt l. , Duffield 
 and 'El.'e.ano'r, followed by Wainwright and Miss ]., 
 the latter still laughing. ) 
 
 25 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Violet (^putting head in r., and speaking with great polite- 
 ness). Oh, Mr. Beane, would you kindly come here 
 for one moment ? 
 
 (^Exit Violet, r.) 
 
 Beane. Sure ! 
 
 {He goes hastily r., tripping over Miss S.'s gown and 
 exits R.) 
 
 Miss S. Dear me, how awkward ! 
 
 Spencer. I guess this is our dance, isn't it ? 
 
 Miss S. Let's not dance. I want to talk to you. Perry, 
 
 why in the world did you get this lunch-counter man 
 
 to bring Mary White ? She's found out who he is, and 
 
 she's simply furious. Oh, Perry, will she have to dance 
 
 the supper dance with him? 
 Spencer {gloomily). I suppose so. {Brightens up.) Oh, 
 
 I don't know. Maybe not. 
 Miss S. {easterly). Can we get out of it ? 
 Spencer. Leave it to me. 
 Miss S. What are you going to do ? 
 Spencer {taking up her dance card). You see the tenth 
 
 dance ? That is the supper dance, and it is vacant on 
 
 every girl's card. 
 Miss S. {with interest). Yes. But she's supposed to 
 
 dance it with the ham sandwich merchant, anyway, 
 
 isn't she? 
 Spencer. Ordinarily, yes. But on this occasion 
 
 {Pauses expressively.) Well, I guess he's a little too 
 
 green to object. 
 Miss S. {drawing a sigh). Oh ! I feel relieved. 
 
 {Music, which has been playing softly, stops.) 
 
 Spencer. He's dancing this with Miss Jones. When they 
 come out, freeze on to the Jones girl, and I'll tell him 
 what's what ! 
 
 {Enter Miss J. a«^ Wainwright, l.) 
 
 Miss S. {with sudden enthusiasm). Oh, Peggy, I have 
 
 soraetliing to tell you. 
 Miss J. Oh -not a new engagement ! 
 
 26 
 
TBJB SENIOS 
 
 Miss S. Well, I can't tell you who, but it will be announced 
 
 in a few weeks. 
 Miss J. (Jaking Miss S. by the arm and hurrying toward 
 
 c. with her). Excuse us, gentlemen. 
 
 (^Exeunt, C.) 
 
 Spencer (down r.). Oh, Wainwright ! (Wainwkight 
 comes down r.) You're getting on all right. It isn't 
 so hard, you see, if you keep your mouth shut. 
 
 Wainwright (smiling'). Did you ever try that, Spencer ? 
 
 Spencer (hastily). Well, I meant when you first try it. 
 (Hesitates.) Wainwright, did I fill your tenth dance 
 for you ? 
 
 Wainwright. No, it is vacant. I understand, however, 
 that that is the custom in the case of the supper dance, 
 and you dance it with your partner, anyway. 
 
 Spencer (coolly). Oh, my goodness no. We just couldn't 
 fill that dance for you. 
 
 (Wainwright looks straight at Spenc'er /or a moment.) 
 
 Wainwright (quietly). All right, Spencer. 
 
 Spencer. You know, anyway, it's really better not to have 
 
 a partner at supper. (Confidentially.) You get so 
 
 much more to eat. 
 Wainwright. Do you ? 
 Spencer. That is, so they say. And, Wainwright, you 
 
 take off your white gloves at supper, you know. 
 Wainwright (gently). My, what a man you are for 
 
 knowing things ! 
 Spencer (modestly). It's the way I was brought up. 
 
 (They go toward c.) 
 
 Wainwright. Did I understand you to say there was noth- 
 ing to this tradition that you dance the tenth dance 
 with your partner? 
 
 Spencer. Oh, forget that. Certainly not. If there is no 
 name on the card the dance is not taken. 
 
 Wainwright. Very good. If there is no name on the 
 card, the dance is not taken. 
 
 (^Enter Eleanor, Collins and Meade, l. Collins' col- 
 lar is wilted, he is mopping his brow freely, and giv- 
 ing other evidences of having a "glorious time.") 
 27 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Collins. Let's all come back to the Senior hop next year. 
 
 Never had such a time as I'm having to-night. 
 Eleanor. Oh, you children ! Don't you know that this 
 
 time next year you will be sitting up on a high stool 
 
 adding two-and-two- are-six ? 
 Meade. Oh, I'm always coming back — every year. 
 
 {Enter Miss J. and Miss S., c.) 
 
 Spencer. Eleanor, is this our dance? 
 
 Eleanor. Yes. 
 
 Wain WRIGHT. Is this the one I am to have half of? 
 
 Eleanor. Yes ; if you want it. 
 
 Wainwright. If I want it ! 
 
 {The dance is a "barn dance," and Syknckr and Eleanor 
 start dancing on stage and dance off l. Miss J. and 
 Collins da7ice off. Miss S. and Meade dance off. 
 They all return and fill the stage, dancing. More peo- 
 ple may be introduced to make the picture. They finally 
 all dance off at L. Wainwright, who has wandered 
 off at R., returns, crosses stage, and exits L.) 
 
 {Enter Violet and Beane, r., doing an attempt at the 
 barn dance.) 
 
 Violet. Gee, ain't this great, Beaney ? 
 Beane. You bet ! Why, as pa says 
 
 {Enter Eleanor and Wainwright. They are looking at 
 fioor.) 
 
 Eleanor. Yes, my handkerchief. I'm sure I dropped it 
 in here. 
 
 (Wainwright looks about. Violet and Beane stop danc- 
 ing, abashed.) 
 
 Violet {in dismay). Oh, my, let's vamoose ! 
 Beane. Yes — before they say it. 
 
 {Exeunt YiOhET and Beane, r.) 
 
 Eleanor {laughing). We scared them. Who was that 
 girl, Mr. Wainwright ? 
 
 Wainwright. Oh, Violet? She's a product of the Uni- 
 versity. She's an institution here. I don't believe 
 28 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Lakeville could exist without Violet. But I guess she's 
 here to-night to help with the lemonade. 
 
 Eleanor. She seemed rather abashed by your command- 
 ing presence. 
 
 Wainwright. Have I one of those things ? 
 
 Eleanor. To be sure you have. That Lighthorse-Harry 
 air of yours strikes awe to the heart of the stoutest 
 female. 
 
 Wainwright. Well, I don't care. I don't like stout 
 females. 
 
 Eleanor. Not obese, foolish. I mean self-possessed. 
 
 Wainwright. You mean I'm dignified. Is there any- 
 thing else the matter with me ? 
 
 Eleanor. You are dignified ! I'd so like to try you on 
 my aunt. 
 
 Wainwright. Your aunt ? 
 
 Eleanor. Mrs. Lee. She is the most self-possessed per- 
 son you ever heard of. The aplomb of the rock of 
 Gibraltar is nothing compared with hers. 
 
 Wainwright. Then I hope I shall never meet her. 
 
 Eleanor. You doubtless will. She is ill just now from 
 the fatigue of her journey, but she will be about to- 
 morrow. {Looks off I..') Oh, there's my handkerchief ! 
 Gerty's waving it at me. Excuse me. {Goes l.) 
 
 Wainwright {going h.). I'll get it. 
 
 Eleanor. No. I must speak to Gerty. 
 
 Wainwright. Oh, certainly. By the way, Miss Forbes 
 
 Eleanor {stopping'). Yes? 
 
 Wainwright. Have you the tenth dance — the supper 
 dance, you know — engaged ? 
 
 Eleanor. No, I haven't. I've been wondering whom I 
 would dance it with. 
 
 Wainwright. Will you dance it with me ? 
 
 Eleanor {laughing a little excitedly). Yes, certainly. 
 {Calls off 'L.') I'm coming, Gerty. (T't? Wainwright, 
 as she is going out.) Don't forget ! 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 Wainwright. No, I won't forget. 
 
 {Exit slowly, c.) 
 
 {Enter Spencer, Collins and M.%a.xi^, l.) 
 29 
 
TEE SENIOR 
 
 Collins. Oh, you lucky dog, Perry. Going to sit it out 
 
 with Eleanor Forbes, eh ? 
 Meade. Now just restrain yourself. Perry. 
 Collins. That's right. Don't let her know you love her 
 
 all in a bunch. Let it down on her gradually, like a 
 
 beautiful purple sunrise. 
 Spencer. Say, Pug, you've been writing out a proposal for 
 
 somebody. 
 Collins. Sure. Got it off the last dance. Great success. 
 Meade. Congratulations. 
 Collins. Cut it. She turned me down. But, man, I did 
 
 it so well ! 
 
 (^Exit Collins, l.) 
 
 Meade. I guess that's art for art's sake ! Where are you 
 
 going to sit out this supper dance with Miss Forbes, 
 
 Perry ? 
 Spencer. Nick, I have a real place. You know the bench 
 
 by the fountain ? (^Draws Meade down r.) 
 Meade. Yes. 
 Spencer. It's perfectly glorious in the moonlight. I've 
 
 bribed one of the waiters to bring our supper out there. 
 
 Nick, if I don't make a hit to-night (doing a little skip), 
 
 I guess my name isn't Perry Spencer. 
 
 {Music starts up.) 
 
 Meade. Well, good luck to you. There goes the music 
 for the supper dance now. 
 
 {Enter Eleanor and Miss S. , followed by Duffield. 
 Miss S. looks down at her skirt.) 
 
 Duffield (apologetically). Oh, I'm awfully sorry. Is it 
 
 torn — badly, I mean ? 
 Miss S. Oh, no. It's not so bad — (smiling) considering ; 
 
 is it, Eleanor ? 
 Eleanor (smiling). Oh, no. 
 Duffield. Say — you're both laughing at me. I don't 
 
 care. Come have some lemonade. 
 
 (Duffield, Miss S. and Eleanor go up. Duffield hands 
 Eleanor lemonade, ajid she drinks it, standing up C. 
 Duffield and Miss S. are up l.) 
 
 {Enter Collins and Miss J., L.) 
 30 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Miss J. Oh — is that the supper dance ? 
 Collins. Yes. Hungry ? 
 Miss J. I could eat a house. 
 
 {They start slowly l., talking.) 
 
 Spencer (who has been waiting for Eleanor to speak to 
 him'). Eleanor, is this ours? 
 
 (Miss J. lays her hand on Collins' arm and pauses L., 
 smiling.) 
 
 Eleanor. I think not. 
 
 {She examines her card, coming down a few steps.) 
 
 Spencer (smiling indulgently). Oh, yes. It's the dinner 
 
 dance. 
 Eleanor. Your name is not on nay card. 
 
 (Miss S. comes down i.., followed by Duffield.) 
 
 Spencer (waving his hand airily). But that is always 
 
 understood. 
 Eleanor. You said I could give it to any one who asked 
 
 me. 
 
 {The smile vanishes from Spencer's/a^. He falls back a 
 step as if some one had struck him, c. Every one is 
 looking at Spencer and Eleanor. There is a sileiue. 
 Violet and Beane appear at door r.) 
 
 Spencer (stammering). Yes, but surely you haven't given 
 it to any one else ? Why, who 
 
 (Enter Wainwright, c. He comes down and stops a little 
 behind Eleanor.) 
 
 Wainwright (quietly). Miss Forbes, is this our dance ? 
 Eleanor. Yes. (Tb Spencer.) I have given this to Mr. 
 Wainwright. 
 
 (Spencer stands perfectly still with his teeth set and his 
 hands tightly clenched.) 
 
 Wainwright. There is a perfectly bully bench. Miss 
 Forbes, out by the fountain. Suppose we sit tbis 9Ut 
 there, 
 
 3» 
 
lEE SENIOM 
 
 (Eleanor nods, goes to Wainwright's side. The music 
 starts to play aud they go out together at c. Miss J. 
 laughs.) 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 (Picture just before final exit.) 
 
 Beane Miss S. Duffield 
 
 Violet 
 
 Eleanor Wainwright 
 Spencer Miss J. 
 
 Meadb Collins 
 
 32 
 
ACT III 
 SCENE. — Terrace overlooking campus. 
 
 (Spencer and Collins discovered sitting on bench. They 
 smoke in silence.^ 
 
 Spencer (glumly). He went to the ball game with her 
 yesterday. 
 
 Collins. Humph ! No wonder we lost. 
 
 Spencer. Last night she stayed away from the Alumni 
 reception. 
 
 Collins {lugubriously'). I know it. 
 
 Spencer. What she did instead was to drive over to 
 Centretown with him. 
 
 Collins (tnournfully). To get some chocolate ice-cream. 
 
 Spencer. That's what she said. 
 
 Collins. When they served chocolate and vanilla and 
 strawberry at the reception. 
 
 Spencer (irritably). Oh, Pug, you make me tired. Al- 
 ways talking about your stomach — even in the most 
 dramatic moments of your life. 
 
 Meade (heard off ). All out for the Senior pee-rade I 
 
 (Enter Meade, l., hurrying across stage.) 
 
 Collins. Hey, there, Meade, old cock, what's up ? 
 Meade (stopping and surveying them in disgust). Why 
 
 aren't you fellows dressed for the Senior pee-rade ? I 
 
 believe if we'd tell you about it a month before you'd 
 
 be late. 
 Collins. You aren't dressed. 
 Meade. I will be. Anyway, I've other things to do first. 
 
 It's no cinch being marshal of the pee-rade. 
 Spencer. So have we other things to think about. 
 Meade (turning to Spencer). What? 
 Spencer. Do you notice what monkeys our lunch-room 
 
 proprietor is making of us ? 
 Meade (earnestly). By thunder, that's a shame. For the 
 
 decency and respectability of the class we ought not to 
 
 allow that. 
 
 33 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Spencer (hotly). Of course we ought not to. 
 
 Collins. Any man that would serve a fellow such a low 
 tiick as he served Perry al the dance 
 
 Meade. I know. Of course he deserves a lot of credit. 
 "From street-gamin to bank president" — soft music- 
 grand climax — handkerchiefs all around. Very touch- 
 ing ! But that doesn't give him a non-transferable 
 butt-in ticket. 
 
 Spencer. Are Miss Forbes — and her aunt, Mrs. Lee — or 
 any other visitor who comes here to find out what 
 Lakeville students are like — going to be forced to base 
 their opinion on a lunch -room keeper? 
 
 Collins (blustering). I say we ought not to allow it. 
 
 Meade. I think when Mrs. Lee comes we will see a differ- 
 ent face on affairs. 
 
 Collins. Mrs. Lee is better. She is coming to the campus 
 to see the pee-rade. 
 
 Meade. Ah — ha. Then we will soon see the eclipse of 
 Wainwright. 
 
 Collins. Oh, won't we ! Mrs. Lee is the original frigid 
 glacier. 
 
 Meade. And when she hears the two words " lunch-room," 
 — take it from me, the temperature is going to drop 
 down 'to the absolute zero. 
 
 Spencer. I'll promise you that. Mrs. Lee is one of the 
 old-school F. F. V.'s. 
 
 Meade. The dear fast-fading- Virginians. Well, she will 
 congeal poor old Wainwright. 
 
 Collins. So much so that they won't be able to serve any- 
 thing for the next year at his lunch-room but ice-cream 
 and nervous pudding. 
 
 Meade. Now you fellows hurry and dress up for the pee- 
 rade. (Suddenly.) Oh, we must have a Freshman for 
 the front legs of the sacrificial calf. 
 
 (Enter Beane, l., walking slowly backward and pausing 
 at every other step to wave a large, bright-colored hand- 
 kerchief towards.. He trips over CoLLiNS' outstretched 
 legs and lands at Meade's /<•<?/.) 
 
 Spencer (laughing). There's your meat, Meade. 
 
 Beane (scrambling up wildly). You tripped me. I saw 
 
 you. You tripped me on purpose, an' as pa says 
 
 Meape (^graibin^ his collar). Hire a ball for thfit, fresh, 
 
 34 
 
THE SENIOS 
 
 Come along. You're elected to be the front end of a 
 calf. 
 
 {TAey a// rush him offv^., 'B^xiU'E protesting loudly. Sound 
 of automobile heard off L. Horn toots.) 
 
 {^Enter Mrs. Lek, Eleanor and Jean, l. Jean stands 
 stiffly at rear of stage, heels together, blanket over his 
 arm.') 
 
 Mrs. L. (coldly). Is there no one here to receive us ? 
 
 Eleanor. Mr. Collins was to meet us at four. 
 
 Mrs. L. (over her shoulder). What time was it, Jean, 
 
 when we arrived here ? 
 Jean (without moving). It lacked one minute of four. 
 
 The clock has been running a trifle fast. 
 Mrs. L. (icily). Be good enough in the future to have the 
 
 correct time. 
 Jean. Yes, Mrs. Lee. 
 
 Eleanor. Won't you sit down. Aunt Harriet? 
 Mrs. L. (sarcastically). Oh, must we sit down and await 
 
 the gentleman's pleasure? Jean, spread the blanket. 
 
 (Jean spreads blanket.) That will do. 
 Jean. What time shall I return ? 
 Mrs. L. You will return at six o'clock — correct time. 
 Jean. Very good, ma'am. 
 
 (Touches hat and exits L.) 
 
 Mrs. L. This is a sample of northern hospitality — not too 
 effusive, not too gushing — but extremely simple. Have 
 you my fan? (FiLKXNOr hands fan. Mrs. 'L.,s7iieep- 
 ingly.) Are there any gentlemen in this University ? 
 
 Eleanor. Wliy, Aunt Harriet, they are all gentlemen. 
 Mr. Spencer is a gentleman. 
 
 Mrs. L. Chut. He's a coxcomb. 
 
 Eleanor. Why, Aunt Harriet ! 
 
 Mrs. L. Letty Page used to say the first test of a gentle- 
 man is that he shall produce one idea a day. Perry 
 Spencer doesn't experience one in a week. 
 
 Eleanor. Oh, hardly so 
 
 Mrs. L. You will be so good, Eleanor, as not to contra- 
 dict me. I have just made a statement of fact. 
 (Abruptly.) What man have you seen most of? 
 
 Eleanor, Wejl — there's a Mr. Wainwright 
 
 35 
 
TEE SENIOR 
 
 Mrs. L. What Waiuwrights ? 
 
 Eleanor. Really I don't know about his family. 
 
 Mrs. L. I don't like this promiscuous gathering up of men. 
 I wish to see him. 
 
 Eleanor. He will be here to-day. 
 
 Mrs, L. Will you please look and see if any of our distin- 
 guished cavaliers are hastening to greet us. 
 
 (Eleanor goes r.) 
 
 Eleanor. Here come Gerty Spencer and Mr. Collins now. 
 
 {^Enter Miss S. and Collins.) 
 
 Miss S. Oh, did you get here before us? How do you 
 
 do, Mrs. Lee? 
 Mrs. L. 1 feel almost as if I had spent the night here. 
 Miss S. I'm so sorry. 
 Eleanor. Aunt Harriet, I wish to present Mr. Collins. 
 
 (Collins bows stiffly and says nothing.') 
 
 Mrs. L. How do you" do, Mr. Collins ? Eleanor, I wish 
 you wouldn't use that form of introduction. Refer to 
 me as "My aunt, Mrs. Lee," and not "Aunt Harriet." 
 Then the young man wouldn't stand there gibbering 
 and trying to remember my name. 
 
 Eleanor. Yes, aunt. Won't you sit down, Gerty? 
 
 Mrs. L. Sit here. I want to talk to you. Eleanor, take 
 Mr. Collins for a stroll. 
 
 Eleanor. Oh, fine. Let's go look at the water lilies, Mr. 
 Collins. 
 
 {Exeunt, R.) 
 
 (Miss S. sits by Mrs. L.) 
 
 Mrs. L. Miss Spencer, I suppose you girls have met all 
 the nice men by now, and had a great success. 
 
 Miss S. I have had a good time. But my friend, Mary 
 White, hasn't. A perfectly horrid man took her to 
 the dance. 
 
 Mrs. L. (calmly'). What was his name? 
 
 Miss S. Wainwright. 
 
 (Mrs. L. lifts her lorgnette.') 
 36 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Mrs. L. You say he is horrid ? 
 
 Miss S. Terribly so. He keeps a lunch-room somewhere 
 
 on the 
 
 Mrs. L. Do I understand you aright ? You say he — keeps 
 
 — a — lunch-room ? 
 Miss S. Yes. 
 Mrs. L. a place where they sell pies and sandwiches over 
 
 a counter ? 
 Miss S. Yes. 
 Mrs. L. Hand me my smelling-salts. 
 
 (^Enter Collins and Eleanor, r.) 
 
 Eleanor. Mr. Collins says he must go to dress for the 
 
 Senior pee-rade. 
 Miss S. Oh, I promised to pin up Perry. Will you excuse 
 
 me for just a moment, Mrs. Lee ? 
 
 (Miss S. makes her best smile. Collins makes his best 
 bow. Exeunt Miss S. and Collins, r.) 
 
 Mrs. L. Eleanor, I understand Mr. Wainwright keeps a 
 
 lunch-room. 
 Eleanor. Yes. A very good one. 
 Mrs. L. I do not inquire into the quality of his wares j 
 
 only into the quality that would make a person of your 
 
 position so far forget herself. 
 Eleanor. He is a gentleman. 
 Mrs. L. Don't be flippant, Eleanor. As Letty Page used 
 
 to say, no well-bred person considers her tradesmen as 
 
 her equals. 
 Eleanor (impatiently). Aunt Harriet, you are always 
 
 quoting Letty Page. She isn't the Bible. 
 Mrs. L. {severely). Eleanor ! 
 
 Eleanor (stiffly). I beg your pardon 
 
 Mrs. L. Letty Page, besides having a very clever mind, 
 
 was the most polished gentlewoman I ever saw. In 
 
 regard to this man, have I your promise not to see him 
 
 again ? 
 Eleanor. Oh, Aunt Harriet ! 
 
 Mrs. L. Look at me ! Do you owe anything to me ? 
 Eleanor. You know I owe everything to you. You have 
 
 been more than a mother to me. 
 Mrs. L. Then I ask you not to see this lunch-room person 
 
 again. 
 
 37 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Eleanor. But he is 
 
 Mrs. L. I don't want to hear about him. Do you love 
 
 him? 
 Eleanor {angrily). No ! 
 Mrs. L. That is the only reason you would refuse not to 
 
 see him again. 
 
 {Pause.) 
 
 Eleanor {calmly'). May I see him once ? I have a silver 
 lead pencil of his. 
 
 Mrs. L. And no oftener. 
 
 Eleanor {slowly). And— no — oftener. I'll go away to- 
 night. 
 
 Mrs. L. Then kiss me. 
 
 (Eleanor kisses her. Drum and fife heard off l.) 
 
 {Enter Miss S., r.) 
 
 Miss S. Mrs. Lee, don't you want to go hear the music? 
 Mrs. L. Is that music ? 
 
 Eleanor. Oh, yes. The University band isn't so bad as 
 it sounds. 
 
 {Exeunt, l.) 
 
 {Enter Meade, r., dressed in white sailor suit, followed by 
 Collins dressed as "Buster Brown," Spencer as a 
 cowboy, and Duffield as a monk.) 
 
 DuFFiELD. Pax vobiscum, mes enfants. Gee, but this 
 
 bathrobe is hot ! Where is the sacred calf grazing ? 
 Collins. Yonder. I'll bring her. 
 
 {Exit R. and reenters leading " sacred calf ," which is com- 
 posed of Beane and Thompson. Beane is the front 
 man and wears a crude cow's head with wooden horns. 
 A sort of cloak or curtain painted black and white like 
 a cow extends over Thompson. This is provided with 
 a tail, which Thompson switches about in a lifelike 
 manner. There is a garland of paper flowers about 
 the animaV s neck.) 
 
 Meade. Now, at the critical moment, I turn around and 
 hit the sacrificial calf on the head with this switch. 
 
 {Waves large, heavy wooden cudgel.) 
 38 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Beane. Oh, look here, I'm not going to 
 
 Spencer. Make that cow shut up. 
 Meade. Forward the Beef Trust ! 
 
 (They s/ari of L.) 
 
 Beane. Say, you Thompson, stop treading on my heels. 
 
 Collins. Here, you cow, shut up ! 
 
 Beane. I'm not going to be a cow if he doesn't stop tramp- 
 ing on me. {They start. Thompson steps on Beane 
 again.') Here, you quit it. 
 
 {Turns around and pitches into Thompson. There is a 
 free fight for a minute, and then Beane breaks away 
 and runs off r., all the others following, shouting 
 madly.) 
 
 {Enter Eleanor, l.) 
 
 Eleanor. Goodness, what a hubbub. {Looks off for a 
 moment r.) I wonder where Aunt Harriet left her 
 fan ? {Looks on bench. ) 
 
 {Enter Wainwright, r.) 
 
 Wainwright. Have you lost something ? 
 
 Eleanor {seriously). I have lost a great deal. But what 
 I was looking for was my aunt's fan. 
 
 Wainwright {pointedly). What else have you lost ? 
 
 Eleanor {ignoring his question). I am going away to- 
 night. 
 
 Wainwright. To-night ! 
 
 Eleanor. Yes. I am so glad you came here. I wanted 
 to see you. I 
 
 Wainwright. But to-night is so soon. 
 
 Eleanor {hurriedly). You have been very nice to me. I 
 shall always remember it. 
 
 Wainwright. When am I to see you again ? 
 
 Eleanor. Perhaps never. I am going a long way off. 
 
 Wainwright. Then I am going, too. 
 
 Eleanor. Foolish. 
 
 Wainwright. Foolish? No. It's different from that. 
 Where you go, Eleanor, I go. I loved you the moment 
 I first saw you in my little shop, I love you now, and I 
 always will love you. That's the sort of foolishness 
 that has me in its grasp now. 
 
 39 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Eleanor (^faintly). Oh ! 
 
 Wainwright. I am not going to let you go. You are all 
 my life. I love you. I can't let you go. (She sinks 
 down on bench, and covers her face. Wainwright 
 takes a couple of turns before her}) Well? 
 
 Eleanor {looking up). I just now promised my aunt I 
 would see you this once and never again. 
 
 (Wainwright looks at her in amazement.) 
 
 Wainwright {dazed). This — once — and never again. 
 Eleanor. My aunt has brought rne up since childhood. 
 
 I owe everything to her. She has certain plans for me. 
 Wainwright. There is another man ? 
 Eleanor. Not exactly. But I have promised her I would 
 
 never marry any one but a son of one of the old 
 
 families. Oh, I wish there was no such thing as 
 
 family ! 
 Wainwright. A son of one of the old families ? 
 Eleanor. Yes. 
 
 Wainwright. One of the old Virginia families ? 
 Eleanor. Yes. 
 
 {Pause.) 
 
 Wainwright. I must go now. 
 
 Eleanor. Don't go so soon. This is the last time I shall 
 see you. 
 
 Wainwright. Perhaps. 
 
 Eleanor. I am going away to-night. 
 
 Wainwright. Good-bye — till we meet again. 
 
 Eleanor. Good-bye — forever. Please think of me some- 
 times. 
 
 Wainwright. In all my waking hours. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 
 (Eleanor looks after him a moment and then sits down on 
 bench. Enter Violet, l. Sees Eleanor, considers 
 her a moment, draws a long face, goes over to R., looks 
 after Wainwright. Smiles.) 
 
 Violet. Oh, how d'y do? Say, did you see Mr. Beane? 
 Eleanor. Mr. Beane ? 
 
 Violet. Yes — he's a Freshman. You seen him at the 
 dance. He was helpin' me with the lemonade. 
 40 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 Eleanor. Oh, yes, I remember him. 
 
 Y101.K1: {enthusiastically). Say, ain't he handsome? (Elea- 
 nor looks off R. absently.) Ain't this heat somethin' 
 fierce? 
 
 Eleanor (absently). Yes. 
 
 Violet. I never seen such a day, did you ? 
 
 Eleanor. No. 
 
 Violet (aside). Homesick for her mother ! (Suddenly.) 
 Miss Forbes, Mrs. Lee said she wanted you. 
 
 Eleanor (rising). Thank you. 
 
 (Exit, L.) 
 
 Violet. I reckon she has a leather-plated grouch. (Enter 
 Beane, r., running, still in costume of forward part 
 of cow. Falls over bench. Scrambles to his feet and 
 bumps into Violet. Violet, sharply.) See here, you 
 fresh, look where you're a-going. 
 
 Beane. I can't see. This thing is twisted. 
 
 Violet (severely). Harvey Beane, what do you mean by 
 dressing up in such an outlandish thing ? 
 
 Beane. Is that you, Violet ? (Feels round for her.) 
 
 Violet. Yes, and don't you touch me, Harvey Beane. 
 
 Beane. Say, Violet, undo me; 
 
 (Violet attempts to lift the head off him, gets it almost off, 
 when it slips down and envelopes them both. Struggle 
 occurs amd then both emerge.) 
 
 Violet (excitedly). You did that a-purpose. 
 
 Beane (mildly). I couldn't move the thing an inch one 
 
 way or the other. 
 Violet. It's fierce nowadays how a lady gets insulted 
 
 everywhere she goes. 
 Beane (worried). By jingo, I bet I did the wrong thing, 
 
 somehow. ( Grins. ) 
 Violet. I don't know as I ever can speak to you again. 
 Beane (aside). I guess I got to ask her to marry me. I 
 
 got to do it now. (Snaps fingers.) As pa says 
 
 Violet. Never mind your pa; can't you say something on 
 
 your own hook ? 
 
 Beane (standing on one foot). Say, Violet 
 
 Violet (acidly). What? 
 
 Beane. Will you be mine ? (Sighs.) 
 
 Violet (contemptuously). Good-night! 
 
 41 
 
TRE SENIOR 
 
 Beane. You spurn me ! 
 
 Violet. One of the best, hand-made, triple-extract spurns 
 
 you ever experienced. 
 Beane. Gee ! (Sighs as though relieved.') 
 Violet. Well. 
 
 (Beane smiles and edges toward ■&.') 
 
 Beane {blandly). Well, see you again, some time. 
 Violet. Four flusher ! That don't go here. {Grabs him 
 
 and starts off L.) I guess the safest thing for you is 
 
 for us to have an interview with mother. 
 Beane {resignedly). There seems to be no way of resisting 
 
 you women, once you get your minds made up. Well, 
 
 as pa says 
 
 (^Exeunt, l.) 
 
 {Enter Thompson, Duffield, Spencer, Collins and 
 Meade, still in costume, r.) 
 
 Thompson. There he goes. {Points after Beane.) 
 Meade. Well, Thompson, you go get him. He's your 
 
 anterior portion. 
 Thompson. All right. 
 
 {Exit, L.) 
 
 Spencer. Collins, I thought Mrs. Lee was to view the 
 procession from here? 
 
 Collins. So she was. {Looks off l.) They are coming 
 now. 
 
 Spencer. So they are. {Turns to Meade.) Nick, this 
 is a good time to settle that Wainwright matter. 
 
 Meade. You mean to let Mrs. Lee annihilate him now ? 
 
 Spencer. And show him his place. 
 
 Collins. Suppose he won't come? 
 
 Spencer. He'll come. All these climbers fall over them- 
 selves to meet real people. 
 
 Meade {looking off r.). There he goes now up to his 
 room. 
 
 Spencer. I'll go get him. 
 
 {Exit, R.) 
 
 Collins. Poor old Wainwright. I feel sorry for him. 
 Meade. So do I. But he brought it on himself. 
 
 42 
 
THE SENIOR 
 
 {Enter Mrs. L., Miss S., Miss J., ^wo^Eleanor, l. They 
 greet each other. Mrs. L. sits on bench.) 
 
 Miss S. Mrs. Lee, I want to present Mr. Meade and Mr. 
 Duffield. 
 
 Mrs. L. How do you do? How gorgeous you all are. 
 Mr. Collins, how well your costume shows off your figure. 
 
 Collins. Why, yes. 
 
 DuFFiEXD. Don't make him laugh, Mrs. Lee. His cos- 
 tume bursts under pressure. 
 
 Mrs. L. Your word is law, reverend father. 
 
 Miss S. (to Meade). Here comes Perry with Mr. Wain- 
 wright. Poor Mr. Wainwright. 
 
 {Enter Spencer and Wainwright, r. Wainwright bows 
 to the assembled company as Spencer speaks to Mrs. L. 
 He stands calmly behind Spencer, observing Mrs. L.) 
 
 Spencer. How do you do, Mrs. Lee ? Do you remember 
 me? 
 
 Mrs. L. Very well, Mr. Spencer. I remember you when 
 you were a very awkward, impossible infant. I sup- 
 pose you have recovered from that now ? 
 
 Spencer. I hope so, I'm sure. Mrs. Lee, I wish to pre- 
 sent Mr. Wainwright. 
 
 (Mrs. L. and Eleanor, c. Spencer, Wainwright, Col- 
 lins and Meade, r. Miss S., Miss J., l. All the 
 people who have been conversing with each other stop 
 suddenly. There is a dead silence. Mrs. L. gazes at 
 Wainwright with a stony stare through her lorgnettes. 
 Wainwright steps forward and bows composedly.') 
 
 Wainwright {ignoring her stare). It is a pleasure, I am 
 
 sure, to have you at Lakeville, Mrs. Lee. 
 Mrs. L. Is this the Mr. Wainwright — the proprietor of a 
 
 quick lunch-counter ? 
 Wainwright. Yes. And is this the Mrs. Lee of South- 
 
 boro', Virginia? 
 Mrs. L. {coldly). Yes. 
 Wainwright. I have frequently heard my father speak of 
 
 you. 
 Mrs. L. Oh ! 
 Wainwright. He has often told me that my mother, who 
 
 died when I was a boy, knew you very well. 
 
 43 
 
TEE SENIOR 
 
 Mrs. L. (with pointed lack of inter esf). Who could your 
 
 mother have been ? 
 Wainwright. My mother's maiden name was Letty Page. 
 
 (Mrs. L.'s lorgnettes fall to ground.^) 
 
 Eleanor. Letty Page ! 
 Wainwright. Allow me ! 
 
 (Picks up lorgnettes and politely returns them to Mrs. L., 
 who looks at Wainwright in a dazed sort of way. 
 They converse. The fifes and drums start up off L. 
 Great shouting without.') 
 
 Meade. All out for the pee-rade. 
 
 (Exeunt Meade, Spencer, Collins and Duffield, r.) 
 
 Miss S. Mrs. Lee, wouldn't you like to come down on the 
 
 lower terrace ? 
 Mrs. L. Yes. (Rises ; turns to Wainwright.) What 
 
 is your given name ? 
 Wainwright. Gordon. 
 
 Mrs. L. Well, come to see me to-night, Gordon. 
 Wainwright. Thank you. (Exeunt Mrs. L., Miss J., 
 
 a«i/Miss S., L. Waniwright /"(J Eleanor.) Fifteen 
 minutes ago I asked you to marry me. 
 Eleanor. A quarter of an hour ago — I decided I 
 
 wanted to. 
 Wainwright. Thunder, what a lot of time we've wasted. 
 
 (Takes her in his arms. Music without. Great chorus 
 of voices singing the Lakeville song, as the procession 
 passes by without.') 
 
 curtain 
 
 44