CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY THIS BOOK IS ONE OF A COLLECTION MADE BY BENNO LOEWY 1854-1919 AND BEQUEATHED TO CORNELL UNIVERSITY Cornell University Library The original of this book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924029061014 THE MANNERS OF THE ARISTOCRACY. ONE OF THEMSELVES. A GUIDE TO THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS, WEDDINGS, AT HOMIES, ' HOSTESS AND GUEST, TOWN AND COUNTRY VISITS, PRECEDENCE OF GUESTS, GOING TO COURT, ETC. , IToitbcit : WARD, LOCK AND CO., WARWICK HOUSE, SALISBURY SQUARE, E.C. CONTENTS. TAfiE Introduction i Duties of a Hostess 6 Duties of Guests 14 Duties of a Chaperon 23 The Etiquette of Invitations and Dinner- parties 30 Table Decoration 38 Afternoon Tea 49 Good Manners 60 Country Visiting ■■ 65 Picnics 74 Manners and Customs at the Seaside 81 The Etiquette of Weddings 85 The Etiquette of Mourning ... „ ,.. ,.. 92 CONTENTS. Invitations Precedence Dinner-Givers Diners The Etiquette of Card-Leaving Presentation at Court Modes of Addressing Letters FAGS 107 "S 125 140 150 159 166 »™a5>-^- INTRODUCTION. Etiquette books have always been considered legitimate subjects for mirth. These_ primers of good manners are naturally useless to persons whose daily course of life from their infancy has led them only over well-trodden paths of good manners, accurately marked out for them by many generations of well-bred ancestors. Such, how- ever, is far from being the case with all who are "in society." Take, for instance, the manufap- turer of blacking who chose as a motto, and had engraved on his carriage, the couplet — • Blacking bought it : Who 'd have thought it ? He probably required some little education in " minor morals " before he could succeed in pass- ing muster under the critical eyes of the well-bred persons among whom his carriage would certainly succeed in placing him soon or late. To such as he, a book on etiquette is no useless volume. To hi8**vifc>tnd daughters it would be a still greater 2 INTRODUCTION. prize ; for women acknowledge more readily than men the value of that universal passport to con- sideration—perfect manners. Also, women are quicker in profiting by the hints contained in such volumes, and are less likely to be led astray by any errors they may contain. Everybody will readily recall some amusing instances of the mistakes made by persons sud- denly introduced into a class of society whose manners and customs are as a foreign tongue to outsiders. There are stories of table-Jiapkins tucked in securely at the collar of the diner ; of finger-glasses whose contents found their way down the (probably, unwilling) throat of the un- easy guest, who, when the amazed butler had replenished the glass with water, said decisively, "Not any more, thank you." We have all heard of the misguided individuals who eat peas with their knives, sending shudders of anxiety through their fair neighbours with each knife-load : need- less anxiety — for practice has probably made the "offender as expert as a juggler in the unnecessary use of cold steel. It is a simple matter to point Out glaring sole- cisms such as these ; but, at the same time, it is impossible to teach good manners, in the best sense of the phrase. The " fruit of noble mind " cannot be grafted on every tree ; and, further, there are rtiany who cannot understand that good man- ners are anything more than an outer polish which 2an be applied at will. GOaD MANNERS. 3 Many people, however, have noble minds, whose manners are "more than questionable, since other things than the noble mind are necessary to the formation of good manners. A gentle, unobtrusive regard for the feelings and comfort of others, even in the smallest trifles ; perfect unselfishness ; the habit of associating with those whose grooves of thought and modes of action are akin to our own ; a quick instinct in avoiding topics dangerous to the comfort of those around us ; a sensitiveness for others and an utter disregard of what is disagree- able to ourselves, — all these are necessary to pro- duce those fine manners which render the owner a fascinating companion, even to an utter stranger. "An accomplished hypocrite, in fact," says some matter-of-fact reader ; and we are fain to confess that a certain amount of dissembling is necessary to pleasant manners. We must hide small annoy- ances, great and little cares, and, above all, those griefs which make life dreary, the world empty, and the daily routine a punishment terrible to be borne. The widow reappears in the world after a loss that forbids her to hope for happiness herself, and leaves her only the lives of others to live in. But will she cloud the brightness of those around her with her own grief? Oh no ; she puts on the veil of a most kindly hypocrisy ; speaks cheerily as of yore ; enters into the plans and thoughts of those she is with, and keeps for her house of solitude the loneliness and gloom that are her atmosphere. 4 INTRODUCTION. The hostess receives among her morning letters one that fills her with apprehension ahout an absent son or daughter : a sudden illness, perhaps, or a serious accident. The guests meet, unknow- ing, at the breakfast-table. Will she put them in the disagreeable position of offering her their con- soling platitudes ?— for what else can they do under the circumstances ? No, she plays the hypocrite ; makes her morning greetings as usual ; is as care- fully attentive to each guest as she was yesterday morning; and only she herself knows what the effort costs her. If she finds herself unable for it, she deputes some one to fill her place ; but she is far too well bred to cause discomfort to her guests, even though her own sufferings exceed a thousand times aught that so mild a term may convey. There is, no doubt, hypocrisy in this, but hypo- crisy with its bright side turned outwards ; for even failings have a silver lining when they "lean to virtue's side." Who can find fault with the hypo- crisy that shows itself in an utter ignoring of self— that is but a veil that the wearer draws over her own cares and sorrows that no one else may be troubled or grieved by the sight of them ? But if the essence of good manners is impossible to teach, there are many little details of conduct that not only can be taught, but that it would be impossible to divine for one's self. The formal wording of an invitation is one of these, the eti- quette of card-leaving another. On these and DETAILS OF ETIQUETTE. 5 other small, but important, matters we give full details in the following chapters. Ignorance of such things as these, trivial and unimportant as they are in one sense, proves a deeper ignorance — that of the habits of good society ; and of this no one who is in society, however lately they may have entered it, would wish to be suspected. To such anxious learners we commend the following pages, which we have tried to make as useful as possible. Information will be found as to the numerous and onerous duties of the hostess of a large party, as well as upon the details of etiquette of a morn- ing call. It has been our effort to render the book as nearly complete a manual of the necessary form- alities of entertaining as it is possible to be ; and to do so, we have found it necessary to be what many may perhaps consider almost too minute in detail. Those however who read the book with the object of learning from it, will scarcely find fault with us on this account ; and they have been throughout our special study. 4 INTRODUCTION. The hostess receives among her morning letters one that fills her with apprehension about an absent son or daughter : a sudden illness, perhaps, or a serious accident. The guests meet, unknow- ing, at the breakfast-table. Will she put them in the disagreeable position of offering her their conr soling platitudes ? — ;for what else can they do under the circumstances ? No, she plays the hypocrite ; makes her morning greetings as usual ; is as care- fully attentive to each guest as she was yesterday morning; and only she herself knows what the effort costs her. If she finds herself unable for it, she deputes some one to fill her place ; but she is far too well bred to cause discomfort to her guests, even though her own sufferings exceed a thousand times aught that so mild a term may convey. There is, no doubt, hypocrisy in this, but hypo- crisy with its bright side turned outwards ; for even failings have a silver lining when they "lean to virtue's side." Who can find fault with the hypo- crisy that shows itself in an utter ignoring of self — that is but a veil that the wearer draws over her own cares and sorrows that no one else may be troubled or grieved by the sight of them ? But if the essence of good manners is impossible to teach, there are many little details of conduct that not only can be taught, but that it would be impossible to divine for one's self. The formal wording of an invitation is one of these, the eti- quette of card-leaving another. On these and DETAILS OF ETIQUETTE. 5 other small, but important, matters we give full details in the following chapters. Ignorance of such things as these, trivial and unimportant as they are in one sense, proves a deeper ignorance — that of the habits of good society ; and of this no one who is in society, however lately they may have entered it, would wish to be suspected. To such anxious learners we commend the following pages, which we have tried to make as useful as possible. Information will be found as to the numerous and onerous duties of the hostess of a large party, as well as upon the details of etiquette of a morn- ing call. It has been our effort to render the book as nearly complete a manual of the necessary form- alities of entertaining as it is possible to be ; and to do so, we have found it necessary to be what many may perhaps consider almost too minute in detail. Those however who read the book with the object of learning from it, will scarcely find fault with us on this account ; and they have been throughout our special study. DUTIES OF A HOSTESS. RECEivrNG Callers ; Introductions ; Receiving Guests for Dinner ; Etiquette of -Dinners ; Afternoon and Evening Receptions ; Attentions to Professional, Musicians ; Balls ; Country Visitors. When visitors are announced for a morning visit, th& hostess should rise to receive them if they are ladies, but receive a gentleman seated ; she, of course, shakes hands with each visitor. If fresh visitors arrive before the first ones depart, it is not now considered necessary to introduce them to each other, though the hostess has it in her dis- cretion to do so, if she conceives that such a course would be agreeable to both parties. When the guests depart she shakes hands with each, rising if they are ladies, rings the bell that the servant may be in attendance to open the street-door, and, if they are ladies alone, accompanies them to the drawing-room door, and closes it after them. This latter is a courtesy too frequently neglected. In receiving her guests for a dinner-party it is the duty of the hostess to be in the drawing-room some few minutes before the hour named for their arrival, partly to see that everything is arranged as she would wish, but principally lest difference PRESIDING AT DINNER. 7 of clocks, or any other reason, should cause some of them to airive a little before the time. She rises to receive each guest, whether lady or gen- tleman, and it is more convenient that her station should be near the door, though she should seat herself beside, and converse for a few moments with, each new arrival. The duty of instructing each gentleman which lady to , take down is very fre- quently performed by the host, but this has the inconvenience of leaving them in uncertainty as to the order in which they ought fo leave the room ; it is therefore far better for the hostess to adhere to the old-fashioned plan of requesting each gen- tleman to take a particular lady in due order, after the host has offered his arm to the lady of highest rank ; and the host, as each couple reaches the dining-room, should indicate the appointed-place, so as to ensure the arrangement of the table being such as was determined on beforehand. At the conclusion of dinner the hostess bows to the lady of highest rank, and the ladies leave the room in the order they entered it, the hostess bringing up the rear. In the drawing-room she should not confine herselfto conversation with one individual, but should endeavour to talk a little to each guest. At an afternoon or evening reception the hostess receives the first guests seated in the drawing- room, rising to greet each; then, as the rooms fill, and the arrivals become more frequent, she takes her stand at the drawing-room door, or, 8 DUTIES OF A HOSTESS. more often still, on the landing, greeting her guests as they reach the top of the staircase, and having, if possible, some little appropriate mot for each as they pass on into the drawing-room. She does not descend to the refreshment-room till the major- ity of the guests have done so. If the entertainment be a concert she must say a few pleasant words to the professional performers when they arrive, see that they are comfortably settled in their places behind the piano, and have everything they require, such as wine and water. She should also be particular to compliment them oTi their performances at the end of the concert, and to see that they have refreshments in the diniilg-room. In the case of amateur music the hostess should make a point of congratulating each performer at the conclusion of his or her song or piece, and should be particular in seeing that the ladies are taken down to have ice, tea, or any other refreshment they may prefer. At a ball, the hostess' chief duty, after seeing that everything is in due order, is to receive her guests. As a rule, it is unnecessary for her to introduce people to each other ; but if she sees any girl destitute of a partner, she will, as a matter of course, request the young lady's chaperon to allow her to introduce a partner, and introduce some gentleman, first to the chaperon, and then to the young lady. In like manner, when supper is announced and the host has taken down the lady of highest rank, the hostess introduces gentlemen PARTY IN A COUNTRY HOUSE. 9 to those chaperons who have not been asked to gra down to supper. The duties of a hostess in town are compara- tively slight, commencing and ending with the special party of the moment. In the country they are infinitely more arduous, lasting the entire day, apd often continuing for weeks together. Her first duty and anxiety is the assembling of a suit- able party — people who will like to meet each other, or who, at any rate to the best of her belief, have no quarrel or reason for not wishing to stay in the same house. She should be careful not to be vague in her invitations, to say distinctly on what day she hopes to see the particular guest, or for how long a time ; and when the invitation has been accepted she should write and mention the station, if the guest has not stayed with her before, and the most convenient trains. At some houses where there is a great deal of company kept there are printed notices of the station, the various trains, and the distance between house and station, and one of these enclosed in the invitation obviates all trouble. The hostess should also state whether she intends sending for her friends (this, however, is but rarely done, as the horses can seldom be spared), or whether she will order a fly for them, or else inform them where they should write to order one for themselves. When the guests arrive, generally late in the afternoon, the hostess should, if possible — that is, if not driving out with other guests — be at home to welcome them, and have tea ready for 10 DUTIES OF A HOSTESS. their refreshment. As sopn as time has been allowed for the conveyance of the luggage upstairs, she should show her guests their rooms; and, having informed them of the hour of dinner, and shown them which bell will most readily summon their maid, should leave them to rest. As the various guests assemble in the drawing- room before dinner, the hostess introduces them t-o each other, and, in sending them to dinner, en- deavours as much as possible to couple people differently each night without too greatly disturb- ing the" order of precedence. After dinner she must be tlae moving spirit of the evening, requesting those who are musical to play and sing, arranging one or more tables for those who like whist, and organising-a round game for those who prefer that means of amusement. When the tray with wine and water makes its appearance, at whatever hour the custom of the house appoints, she, at the first convenient opportunity, suggests retiring for the night, accompanies to their rooms such of the guests as are strangers that day arrived, hopes they are comfortable, and begs them to ask for anything they may require. In the morning the hostess should be down be- fore her guests, and be ready to read prayers at the appointed time if the host, as is frequently the case, should be late. She presides at the breakfast, and formerly was unable to enjoy her own from the necessity of making and pouring out the tea — no light matter in a large party. Now, however i>LANS FOR THE DAY. II the custom prevails of the tea being made by the butler at the side table and the cups handed round. The hostess is thus free to make herself agree- able to her guests, to impart information which may have reached her by post, and to make plans for the day's amusement. It is the direst of mis- takes to dictate to people what they are to do. It is better to suggest one or two plans : to say that there are such horses and such carriages available ; that such points of interest in the neighbourhood are \vithin attainable distance ; or that certain friends of some members of the party are within visiting limits and known to be at present at home ; and then leave them to choose for themselves. Many often prefer strolling about the grounds to being " taken " anywhere, and a wise hostess will allow them to please themselves, and not insist on their "doing something." If the time is the shooting season, some of the gentlemen will pro- bably go out shooting, but the arrangement of this lies in the host's provincfe, if there be a host ; if not, the' hostess announces that the keeper will be, at the door at a certain hour, and leaves the gentlemen to make their own arrangements with him. The old belief that it was the duty of a hostess never to lose sight of her guests for a moment is now exploded; she sees them comfortably es- tablished in the drawing-room, ,and then departs to hold counsel with the' cook as to the menu, with the housekeeper as to the rooms to be appropriated 12 DUTIES OF A HOSTESS. to the different guests expected within the next few days, and with the gardener respecting the flowers for the dinner-tabie. These matters settled; she retires to her sanctum to write and answer letters, write out menus, arrange any requisite alteration in the pairing of the guests at dinner, and, in short, do all her business. This completed, she reap- pears in the drawing-room shortly before luncheon, and is then at the disposal of her guests for the rest of the day. She presides at luncheon, and then either drives out with some of the party or walks with some of the others, according to circum- stances; and on returning home she dispenses the tea, welcomes any fresh guests, and retires a little before dressing for dinner. When guests are departing, the hostess should always take care to be in the drawing-room at least ten minutes before the time named for their departure, so that they may not be obliged to wait to wish her good-bye and be thereby rendered nervous as to missing their train ; she should also be particular in asking them to leave written directions as to where any letters arriving after their departure should be sent. When taking friends to a neighbour's house for a ball or any other festivity, the hostess should go in the first carriage, so as to be ready to introduce her party as they arrive to the lady of the house. In taking them to church on Sunday she should enter first and precede them up the aisle, stopping at the door of the seat and allowing them to enter ATTENTION TO SMALL DETAILS. I3 first. A good hostess should always strive to recall- any predilection which she may have noticed in any of the guests, either at a previous visit or when meeting them elsewhere, and endeavour to gratify it without drawing attention to the fact. Thus, if she has observed that one lady always drinks coffee, she should take care that it is always provided as well as tea at five o'clock ; or if she knows that another always, when at home, takes, seltzeir-water with claret at dinner, she should direct the butler never to omit to offer it. In short, a hostess should never neglect the minutest detail that may contribute to the comfort of her guest. It is, indeed, in the observance of these little things that a really good hostess differs from an indifferent or careless one. Much of our daily comfort depends upon trifles, and we sometimes fail to discover how dependent we have become upon small habits such as those referred to until we happen to be staying at a house where the hostess takes little care to note the preferences of her guests. She who does, and who makes pro- vision for the gratifying of sUch small predilections, is sure to be popular, as her antitype can scarcely fail to be the reverse. DUTIES OF GUESTS. Punctuality ; Muddy Boots ; Morning Calls ; Taking Unin- vited Guests to Houses ; Conforming to tub Rules of the House ; Country House Visits ; Fees to Servants. ' While a hostess has manifold duties to perform, some of which we have endeavoured to point out, there are also certain courtesies due from guests towards their entertainei'S, respecting which a few words may not be amiss. One of the first of these, and the one which is oftenest neglected, is that of punctuality. There appears to prevail an idea that it does not in the least signify how long after the hour named in an invitation the guests arrive; indeed, some people seem to imagine that they ren- der themselves of consequence by keeping others waiting, while in truth they only demonstrate their ov/n rudeness and v/ant of good breeding. If a hostess invites her guests for a quarter to eight, she naturally does not mean half past ; and it is a duty which the guests owe 'to her and to each other to arrive at from ten to five minutes to eight, so that dinner may be announced punctually at the hour. It cannot be too often repeated that consideration for the feelings and the convenience of others is MORNING VISITS. 15 the true sense of good manners and good breeding; and it is certainly not an evidence of it to keep a hostess on thorns of anxiety as to the probable ruin of her carefully prepared dinner, to say nothing of. the weary vs^aiting inflicted on better-bred and more considerate guests. Though it is a better fault to arrive slightly too soon, it is one that should be avoided : it is unfair to expect a hostess to be ready to receive her guests before the hour at which she has requested the pleasure of their company. Another item in which want of consideration is frequently shown is in the neglect of due care, on the occasion of a morning visit, in freeing the boots from mud and dust on the mat in the hall before ascending to the drawing-rooin. It is a great annoyance to a hostess who prides herself on the neatness .of her rooms to see the .marks of dirty boots on her carpet, the inarks frequently expand- ing into a confused mass of dirt where the visitor has been seated. G-entlemen are generally greater offenders in this respect than ladies, as they more frequently pay visits on foot ; but attention to this particular is too often neglected by both sexes. If a lady pays a visit in wet weather she should, if her umbrella be wet, leave it in the hall, and it is as well to leave her damp waterproof there also, so as to appear in the drawing-room neat and un- encumbered. An ordinary morning visit should last from ten minutes to a quarter of an hour; it is usual, however, to rise and take leave on the l6 DUTIES OF GUESTS. entrance of fresh visitors, unless they are mutual friends, or unless they follow immediately the ar- rival of the first guest. In the latter case it is not now usual for the hostess to present the guests to each other, but they should all join in general con- versation, though it must be remembered that such conversation does not constitute an acquaintance when meeting on a subsequent occasion. The guest who leaves first should, after shaking hands with the hostess, bow to 'the other guests ; if a gentleman is present he should relieve the hostess ' of the duty of opening and closing the drawing- room-door for the departing lady. If a lady has a friend driving with her she should leave her in the carriage when going in to pay a visit, unless the lady is also acquainted with the hostess. The latter may have some reason unknown to her friend for not wishing to know the lady, and when she has been introduced to her in her own house it constitutes a sort of acquaint- ance. In the case of a girl it is different; there is no impropriety in taking her in for a morning call, and these remarks apply rather to London than to the country. In the country it is usual to take. a visitor in. In the first place the carriage usually drives round to the stables, so the lady cannot remain in it ; and in the second the parties are unlikely to meet again before the fact of the visit has been forgotten!^ But taking a friend in to pay a morning visit in London is, though incorrect, a venial offence compared to the unjustifiable rudeness 6EC3PT10NS AND CONCERTS. I7 which some ladies commit by taking friendsto aparty without an invitation. Nothing can show a greater want of knowledge of the proprieties of life. When a lady gives a party she is very frequently from lack of space obliged to omit some of her own acquaint- ances, and under these circumstances it is naturally exasperating to her when a friend walks in and says, " Oh, Mrs. A. and her daughter were driving with me, and so I brought them. I hope you don't mind." Politeness, of course, obliges her to say she is glad to see them ; but in her own mind she naturally sets the lady down as being ill-bred and presuming. These remarks do not of course apply to parties in the country, where " and party " is put on the card. It is equally rude for a lady to take any one with her to an evening party who has not been invited. If she very much wishes to take a friend she should write and ask permission, but she should be sufficiently reasonable not to be offended if the lady, refuses on the plea that her numbers are full;^ it is only natural that a hostess should prefer wel- coming her own friends to those of others, and rooms are unfortunately not elastic. At a recep- tion the guests should exchange a few words with the hostess and pass on into the room, leaving her free to welcome others. At a concert they are bound, even if indifferent to music themselves, to have the courtesy not to talk, but to allow others who are more appreciative to enjoy themselves. It is very annoying to a hostess when, at great 3 1-8 DUTIES OP GUESTS. expense, she has provided professional musicians for the amusement of her guests, to see those who really wish to listen prevented from doing so by , the inconsiderate and noisy chatter of the rest. Guests should also endeavour to avoid crowding up the doorways, and try to allow others as much room to circulate as possible. At a dinner-party the guests are always sup- posed to talk to each other irrespective of any previous acquaintance, and it is neither usual nor necessary to introduce them. Such conversation does not constitute an after acquaintance unless it is desired by both parties —the lady of the highest rank signifying her wishes and calling first, unless she specially requests the other lady to call on her. Each lady should remember the order in which the ladies came down to dinner, and leave the room in the same order. There is not, as some people suppose, any etiquette as to the order in which guests depart after dinner ; it is entirely a matter of their own wish and convenience, unless in the case of royalty being present, when it is correct to wait for the royal . personages to leave first. When going to stay in a country house it is courteous of guests to name the train by which they propose arriving, even if their friends do not send to meet them ; and they should avoid a bad habit, which is sadly common, of putting off their arrival to the latest possible moment. They never consider that, even if, the train is punctual (a der RULES OF THE HOUSfi. I9 cidedly unusual circumstance), the servants imme- diately before the dinner-hour are especially busy, so that .the carrying up of the luggage impedes the preparations for that meal ; while if it is late, they arrive when they should be fully dressed, and have to keep the whole party waiting while their things are unpacked and put on. Of course some- times this is inevitable, but much more often it is intentional, and it then becomes inconsiderate, and therefore rude. Staying in the house, people naturally all converse with each other, and most frequently such meeting is the commencement of an acquaintance. A guest should be very particular in conforming to the rules of the house, which are rarely either irksome or stringent. If smoking is objected to in the bedrooms it is the height of bad taste to light a cigar; and if, as is sometimes the case, a hope is expressed that the guest will not read in > bed, it is obligatory upon him not to do so. If such restrictions annoy guests, they should re- member that they need not have come if they had not chosen, and need never accept another invita- tion to the same house if its rules are irksome to them. In many houses there is an understanding as to the maximum amount to be staked by the guests when playing any game, and it should be a point of honour never to exceed these "points of the house," as they are termed. iThe hours of the house should be carefully observed : it is annoying to a hostess to have the servants kept hanging id bVflES OP GUESfS. about waiting to take away the breakfast- things kept on the table by late risers. The cards before referred to should be in every room, and thele is then no excuse for the guest's unpunctuality. As to being down to prayers it is a matter for the guest's own decision ; but if not punctual to the moment it is better to abstain altogether. It is no longer considered necessary that the guests should sit together all the morning ; much more freedom prevails in country-house life than was formerly the case, and people retire to write letters or saunter in the gardens as they please, taking care to be home in time for luncheon. When asked what they would prefer doing, it would be a great comfort to the hostess if her guests would only answer definitely'that they would like to walk or to drive as might be the case; instead of which they all profess their readiness to do what she likes, while she only wants to do what they like. A lady who says honestly that she cannot walk, and would like to drive if there is room for her, is a godsend to a hostess distracted by guests who will not say what they like. The greatest care should be taken not to keep the, carriage waiting. The way in which people are seated in the carriage admits of no rule, as it depends on who can sit with their back to the horses and who cannot ; as a rule, however, the hostess, if able to do so, sits with her back to them. She of course gets in last, the lady of highest consideration in the party entering first. If on their return the guests choose to remain in FEES TO SERVANTS. 21 the drawing-room till the dressing hour, they must not expect their hostess to keep them company, as a little rest from the fatigue of entertaining is absolutely necessary for her. When the hostess thinks it time to retire for the night she asks the lady of the highest rank if she is willing to do so, and it would be ill manners if the latter did not at once accede. The ladies generally have a little water, or wine and water, take their candles and retire, the gentlemen re- maining a short time in the drawing-room before proceeding upstairs or to the smoking-room. On leaving, guests should be careful to order their fly in good time, and to have their luggage ready at the proper hour. On taking leave of the hostess it is usual to thank her for a very pleasant visit. Leave should also be taken of the other, guests. If the departing visitor has reason to expect the arrival of any letters, the address to which they are to be sent should be left legibly written ; . it is unfair to expect a hostess to keep many addresses in her memory. In respect to the fees to be given to servants, a lady gives five shillings to the house- maid if the visit has been one of three or four days, ten if it has been of a week or more. A gentleman does the same if visiting alone, — that is, without a wife — and if he has not a servant of his own he gives the same sum to the servant who attends upon him; if he has his own valet this is unneces- sary. If sent to the station, it is usual to give half-a-crown to the coachman, and if either a lady 22 DUTIES OF GUESTS. or gentleman rides it is usual to fee the groom, from five to ten shillings, according to the number of times, etc. If a gentleman shoots, he must fee the keeper; ten shillings is the smallest sum even for one day's good shooting. In some houses a distinct request is made that nothing should be given to the servants, and we need hardly say that, when this is the case, it is in very bad taste to disr . obey the injunction. This is not the place to discuss, the question'. of the , propriety of the fee system, though there is much to be said against it and little in its favour. It is sufficient for us simply to state what is usually done, as custom is, after all, the acknowledged guide followed in matters of the kind, and an omiission to comply with the usual custom is at- tributed to either eccentricity or ignorance. Those who refuse to fee servants " on principle " will find that they are seldom credited with the superior motive. DUTIES OF A CHAPERON. Firmness ; iNTRODtrcTiON's ; Paktnees at .Balls i A Woman's First Social Duty ; Picnics ; Water-Parties ; Excursions ; Girls Walking Alone ; Resident Chaperons ; Travelling Alone ; Demeanour. A REALLY gpod chaperon is one who, without making any vexatious regulations, or preventing the legitimate amusements of her charges, is able to ensure their doing nothing that is either oiitre or improper. Young ladies, when inclined to mur-^ mur at some obstacle to their wishes or some restraints on their amusements offered by their chaperon, should remember that her experience is natui-ally considerably greater than theirs, and that she probably has reasons for her objections which cannot occur to them, and which will not always admit of explanation. A chaJjerQn should be firm, and adhere to whatever regulations she may make; it is therefore judicious to consider them well before, announcing them. A mother is the natural chaperon of her daughters, and unless unable from ill-health, or some equally imperative cause, to accompany them to any social gathering, she is most unwise ever to suffer them to go an}'-- where without her; indeed, if the indisposition 24 DUTIES OF A CHAPERON. be a temporary one, it is far better that the girls should stay at home than go without their natural protector, unless their father be willing to accom- pany them. No other chaperon takes the same interest in the proceedings of the girls, and a mother cannot be sure that her daughters will not form acquaintances which she might disap- prove. A good chaperon takes especial care that her charges should know exactly where to find her in a ball-room, and requires that they should return to her side between the dances. She goes down to supper when they are dancing, or else takes care to settle by whom they may stand during her short absence. Though the girls may be inclined occasionally to fret at these restrictions, and to contrast the laws laid down for their conduct with the greater freedom from restraint accorded to some of their friends, they may rest assured of the fact ^hat any man whose opinion is worth having will respect them infinitely more than he does more independent damsels. A good chaperon also ob- jects to l^r charges having people indiscriminately introduced to them; she considers it a courtesy due to her that a gentleman should be first pre- sented to her, to be afterwards introduced to the young ladies or not by her at her discretion. If, however, a partner should be presented to one of her charges when absent from her side, it is the young lady's duty to introduce him to her chaperon at the earliest opportunity. Nothing is in worse DIFFICULTIES OF CHAPERONAGE. 25 taste than the habit common among some fast young ladies, of treating their chaperon as an irk- some encumbrance, to whom no attention or defer- ence is due. It might perhaps surprise them to know that the inference drawn by gentlemen from their conduct is that the restraints of propriety are irksome to them, and that their names are apt to be lightly mentioned in consequence. Even if obliged to allow her daughters to go out without her, a mother should be very particular as to the person to whom she entrusts them. A dancing chaperon is practically of not the slightest use, and if the girls go out with a brother it should be on the distinct understanding that they should have some lady by whom to stand when he is danc- ing, otherwise they are left dependent on their part- ners, who may be engaged to. some one else for the next dance. A woman cannot learn too early that her first social duty is never to he in the way. Informal gatherings, picnics, and water-parties, and visits in country houses, are times when the role of a chaperon is the most pel^plexing. She does not wish to spoil the girls' pleasure, and yet a certain amount of supervision is certainly desir- able. No reasonable chaperon will expect a girl to remain always by her side; but if she see her setting forth with a companion, either lady or gen- tleman, of whom she does not approve, she will find some means of separating them. In a country house she will expect her girls to come to her room before breakfast and before dinner and go down 20 DUTIES OF A CHAPERON. with her, and she will also require to be consulted as to the plan for the day. She may not wish a certain excursion to be undertaken, not quite ap- proving of the party who are to proceed to it, and she certainly^ possesses the right of veto as to vvhether her charge shall go or not. A wise chaperon will never draw the cord too tight or unnecessarily prohibit anything pleasant, but she should make it clearly understood that her wish, when once expressed, is law. In London, especially in Belgravia, the custom of young ladies walking alone has latterly become somewhat prevalent, but it is one which no careful chaperon will allow. Two girls, not very young, may, if there is no one able to go with them, walk a short distance alone without much objection, but for a young lady to be seen walking alone is most undesirable. If she cannot walk with her younger sisters and their governess, or the maid cannot be spared to walk with her, she had better stay at home or confine herself to the square gar- den. The practice of young ladies going to skate at Prince's without a responsible chaperon is one which no careful mother should allow, and is one of the chief reasons why the name of that place of resort has come to be synonymous with all that is fast, slang, and objectionable. The custom, too, of young ladies riding in Rotten Row unattended, save by a groom, is also open to objection; and a wise mother will insist on some married friend riding with her daughters if they are unescorted by father, brother, or other relative. CHOICE OF CHAPERONS. 27 It can be readily understood that it is impos- sible to draw up any accurate code of regulations by which a chaperon should be guided, as in every individual case there are di'ffering circumstances, but the best general rule is this: The more clearly she shows that she regards her charges as precious and worthy of care, the more valuable will they appear in the eyes of others ; and the more free they are to do as they please and to go in and out as they choose, the less deference and respect they will command. She need not be either cross or vexatious, but she should show clearly that she regards her charges as her pro- perty, and expects tne rights of proprietorship to be accorded to her. When a motherless girl comes out it is highly desirable that, for the first year or two at least, her father should provide her with a resident chaperon, as she cannot be ex- pected to know the world sufficiently well to dispense with one. If any relative devoid of domestic ties is available, and will assume the position, it is of course preferable ; but should this be unattainable, the services of a paid chaperon should be secured, the greatest care being exercised in the scrutiny of her references and antecedents. In either case it should be distinctly understood that the daughter is the head of the establishment, takes the head of the table and the supervision of the household, the duty of the chaperon being to assist her with advice, and to suggest matters which it is impos- sible her inexperience can be cognisant of,- The 2S DUTIES OF A CHAPERON. chaperon accompanies her to all parties to which her father does not care to take her, assists her in receiving company at home, walks and drives out with her, and is, in short, her constant com- panion. It is not generally desirable that young ladies should visit even in the country alone ; but, as they are often allowed to do so, a few hints as to their conduct may be useful to them. If a young lady is alone, her maid should travel in the rail- way-carriage with her ; if she has no maid she should endeavour to travel with some one she knows; or if she finds no one she should ask the guard to put her in a carriage with other ladies who are going as far as she is. She should carefully avoid entering into conversation with any strange gentle- man. If she knows any of the guests sufficiently in the house whei'e she stays, she may ask one of them to allow her to go downstairs with her, or she can ask one of the young ladies to come to her room and -accompany her. If neither of these means is available, and she has to go down alone, she should wait till she is sure that some of the guests have assembled, and so avoid the awkward- ness of being alone in the drawing-room when strangers enter. She should be even more careful and circumspect in her behaviour than when ac- companied by a chaperon, should keep with the other young ladies of the party, and take care in no way to render herself conspicuous. The mis- tress of the house is her nominal chaperon, and A girl's duty to HE|l CHAPERON. 29 she should apply to her in any real difficulty, but not trouble her with frivolous questions or per-, plexities. At a ball, the lady with whom she is staying is the person by whom she ought to stand ; if, however, the ball is in the house itself, the hostess will be too much occupied in receiving her guests to be available, but one of the ladies stay- ing in the house will naturally permit her to stand by her. A young lady staying out alone cannot be too particular in always keeping with some of the other ladies ; for instance, how pleasant soever is the conversation in which she may be engaged, she should not remain behind in the drawing-room if the other ladies go up to rest before dinner. This instance will serve to explain what she had better do on many other occasions. She may feel quite sure that, however much gentlemen may be amused by " fast " and independent young ladies, and appear to admire them for the moment, they really prefer girls who are gentle, ladylike, and modest, and whose demeanour shows that they possess that somewhat rare quality in these fast days — self-reSpect. THE ETIQUETTE OF INVITATIONS AND DINNER-PARTIES. Invitations ; Cards; Replies ; Receptions; Balls; Dances; Guest CxVrds ; Arrangement of Places ; Dinners a la Rosse ; Menu Cards ; Order of Meats ; of Wines ; Waiting at Table ; Tea. So much misapprehension seems to exist on the subject of entertainments and their proper arrange- ments, dinner-parties, and the proper rules of precedence to be observed among the guests, the correct wording of invitations and replies, and many other such m.atters, that we have deemed it wise to devote a chapter to the subject, and to enter into detail respecting small rhatters of etiquette, which, when treated separately, appear almost trivial, but a correct acquaintance with which is yet most desirable. To begin with the- first part of every entertainment — the invitations. If the dinner is to be a small one, notes are most usual, and the ordinary form is, " Dear Mrs. A., — Will you and Mr. A. and your daughter give us the pleasure of your company at dinner on Tuesday, the gth inst., at a quarter before eight ? " If, however, 'the party be a large one, and formal invitations are preferred, a note may be written as follows: "Mr. and Mrs. B. request the pleasure "—if preferred, "honour" INVITATIONS. 31 may be substituted — " of Mr. and Mrs. A. and Miss A.'s company at dinner on Tuesday, the gth inst., at a quarter to eight." For these formal invitations cards are more frequently used, and then only the names and date have to be written. In repl;j[ing. to these invitations it is usual to . adopt the same form as the invitation, that is to say a friendly note is used in reply to one of the same description, and a formal one in answer to a card or formal note. One mistake in answering invita- tions is so common as to demand a -word of comment. People are very apt to write, " Mr. and Mrs. A. will have the pleasure of accepting." Now a few moments' reflection will demonstrate the absurdity of this. The act of writing the note constitutes accepting, and as that is a present action, it is absurd, besides being practically ungrammatical to use will, the sign of the future tense. The answer may run : " Mr. and Mrs. A. and Miss A. have much pleasure in," or, "have the honour of, accepting Mr. and Mrs. 13. 's kind invitation for ;" or, if preferred : "Mr. and Mrs. A. will have the pleasure" or " honour, of dining with Mr. and Mrs. B. on Tuesday, the gth inst." Invitations to larger parties, such as "at homes," concerts, balls, private theatricals, etc., are always issued by cards. All these cards are very similar. The name of the hostess is alone used (that of the host only appearing in invitations to dinner), and underneath it is printed "At home." Veiy often the date is printed below 32 INVITATIONS AND DINNER-PARTIES. this, which is convenient,. and saves much writing; but quite as often it is written. The names of tha guests invited are written on the card, above the name of the hostess. The address is printed at the lower left-hand corner, and at the right-hand corner is either printed or written the nature of the entertainment. If merely an "at home"— that is, a reception — it is unnecessary to put any- thing, though occasionally the hour is named at whicTi the hostess will be prepared to receive her guests, and it is, of course, improper to arrive before that time. If the invitation is to a concert, " music " is printed in the corner, with the hour at which the concert will commence below — ^^usually " 10.30." If a ball, " dancing" is in the corner; and if private theatricals, that fact, and the hour of commencement are intimated, with, " An answer is requested," below. It is not necessary to answer cards which do not bear either this request or the letters R.S.V.P. {Repondez s'il vous plait), unless quite certain that it would not be possible to attend the party, when it is courteous to intimate the fact at once ; and the note should run, " Mn and Mrs. F. and the Misses F. regret that they are unavoidably prevented having the pleasure of availing themselves of Lady G.'s kind invitation for Tuesday, Nov. i6th." If R.S.V.P,, or, "An answer is requested," is on the card, an answer should be sent as soon as it is known whether it will be possible to attend or not : " Have much pleasure in accepting," or " Will have the honour ETIQUETTE OF INTR0DUCT10^f§. 33 of availing themselves of Lady G.'s kind invita- tion," are correct forms. Cards" should always be left the ensuing day ; and this also applies to a dinner, Unless on terms of great intimacy with the hostess, when a visit, paid two or three days afterwards, is more usual than the formal card. An idea is somewhat largely entertained that it is discourteous to send invitations by post, but this is a mistaken notion : it is quite as correct and as usual as to send them by hand, and infinitely more convenient ; though in the case of dinner invitations it is very frequent to send them by a servant, who waits for the answer. Invitations to dinner should always be answered at once ; it is extremely rude to delay longer than is absolutely necessary. A dinner - party should consist of an equal number of gentlemen and ladies, those being in- vited together who it is thought will like to meet, or who are supposed to be somewhat similar in tastes. If there are no young people belonging to the house, it is very common not to invite the daughters of the married couples ; but if any young lady is invited, care should be taken that a suitable escort is provided for her. It is no longer considered necessary to introduce all the members of the party to each other : in a friend's house all talk to each other without introduction, and with- out its forming any subsequent acquaintance, un- less such is desired by both parties. It is as well, however, to introduce the two first comers, as it 4 34 IKVITATIONS AND DINNER-PARTIES. avoids the preliminary stiffness. The due pre- cedence of the party has, of course, been duly studied by the hostess before her guests arrive, and she has also arranged which gentleman should take each lady. It is the duty of the host to in- troduce the gentlemen to the ladies whom they are to escort, but very frequently the hostess per- forms this duty for him. We may remark that if there is any difficulty, such as will sometimes arise, of arranging the precedence of ladies and gentlemen without obliging a husband and wife to go down together, it is always the lady's precedence that is respected, and the gentleman's that gives .way. When the dinner is announced the host offers his right arm to the lady of highest rank, and on reaching the dining-room places her on his right-hand side. We emphasise this, as it is a matter in which a mistake is very frequently made. A gentleman should always offer his right arm to a lady and place her on his right hand, as if about to dance a quadrille with her. In some houses the balusters necessitate a change, as the lady should always be next the wall, but on reaching the dining-room she must be placed, at table, on her partner's right. The gentleman of second highest rank follows the host with the lady of second highest rank (unless, as we said before, they happen to be husband and wife, or brother and sister, in which case the gentleman third in rank is sub- stituted), and places her on the left hand of the host. PLACING OF GUESTS. 35 Name or guest cards, bearing the name of each guest, and placed on his or her plate, are very fre- quently used; but they have never been adopted in the highest circles, where they are regarded as a rather vulgar and decidedly clumsy invention — vulgar, as suggestive of a public dinner rather than a private entertainment ; clumsy, because, as the guests do not know where to look for their names, it necessitates an unnecessary amount of walking round the table. The best mode is for the hostess to make a plan of the table, arranging where her guests will be most pleasantly placed, and for the host to direct each couple, as they enter the dining-room, where to sit. If he dislikes the trouble, a good method is to give a copy of the plan to the butler, and desire him to indicate the proper seats. By this means the awkwardness of husbands seat- ing themselves next to wives, brothers to sisters, and fathers to daughters, and the inevitable moving and changing to rectify such mistakes, will be avoided, and no detail should be considered too minute, no trouble too great, that can by any means add to the comfort or pleasure of an invited guest. The hostess enters the dining-room last (having marshalled her guests from the drawing- room in proper precedence) on the arm of the gentleman of highest rank, and takes her seat at the head of the table. Now that diners a la Russe are universal, menu cards are absolutely indispensable, and there should not be fewer than one to every couple, as 36 INVITATIONS AND DINNER-PARTIES. it is tiresome to have to ask for one to be passed, and yet almost every one likes to see of what dishes the dinner is to consist. Dinners are by no means so long or so heavy as was formerly the case. Two soups, handed round together, two kinds of fish, also handed together, whitebait, when in season, two entrees handed in succession, boiled fowl and roast lamb or mutton handed together, quails and ducklings (or any other two second- course dishes) handed together, a hot and a cold sweet dish in succession, and some preparation of cheese, such as Sclairs, ramequins, or cheese-straws, is an ample menu ioi any dinner-party, no matter of how many members it may consist. In large parties two dishes of each entree and of each sweet are prepared, so that the two sides of the table are served simultaneously by two waiters. The w*aiting is of great consequence to the success of a dinner - party. With accomplished servants and waiters, one man to every four guests is sufficient; but if they are inexperienced the pro- portion must be increased. Ice, unless in the form of an ice-pudding, belongs to the dessert, and ice-plates are placed upon the dessert-plates before each guest : these are removed when the ice has been partaken of. After ice, liqueurs — generally of two kinds, as cognacs, cherry brandy, maraschino, chartreuse, or noyeau — are handed round. The servants then hand round the dessert, biscuits, etc., and the butler supplies each guest with wine, and then places the decanters in order before his TEA AND COFFEE. 37 master. The servants then leave the room and prepare the drawing-room, light the candles, etc. When the hostess considers that a suitable time has elapsed, she bows to the lady of highest rank, and the ladies leave the dining-room in the same order of precedence in which they entered it. After about a quarter of an hour coffee is brought to them in the drawing-room, and after a longer interval it is taken to the gentlemen in the dining- room. When the gentlemen join the ladies tea is handed round. If on the tray are observed any cups with the teaspoons placed in them, it signifies that those cups contain pure green tea. This is almost out of date, but is an old-fashioned custom which still prevails in some houses. If the hostess is aware that any of the guests are musical, she may ask them to play or sing, but this is by no means de rigueur. We mention this because some ladies are so foolish as to be affronted if they are not asked to perform, and there may be many reasons why the hostess may not wish for music — a bad headache, a delicate child sure to be awakened by the sound of the piano, etc. If, however, music is asked for, the request should be complied with at once if at all : nothing is in worse taste than the affected modesty which refuses and refuses, and would be terribly mortified were the refusal quietly accepted. TABLE DECORATION. What to Avoid ; Arrangement of Flowers ; Weight op Vases ; Cost of Flowers ; Wild Flowers and Grasses ; Leaf Decoration ; Strong scented Flowers. MENU stand. The^e are few of the arts which render a house pretty which have made such surprising strides in the last few years as that of table decoration.. As i-egards dinner-tables the reason is not far to seek. Formerly, when the old-fashioned habit of removing the tablecloth previous to dessert prevailed, the object was to have as few things as possible on the table beyond the necessary dishes, and so to HEAVILY LOADED TABLES. 39 obviate the necessity of the servants stretching ovei the guests to remove and replace the decorations. Besides, in those days, before diners a la Russe were the rule, the various dishes occupied a very^ considerable amount of space. Even when the custom of not removing the cloth and of handing the dishes .without first placing them upon the table became universal, it was some time before the art of decoration was at all understood : the eye had become accustonied to a heavily loaded table, and large dessert-dishes, filled and piled to overflowing, took the place of the silver entree and "flank" dishes, while a huge epergne, filled with flowers inartistically arranged, and silver wine- coolers, each containing a flower-pot, occupied the centre of the table, and effectually concealed op- posite neighbours from each other. Gradually, however, more graceful ideas began to prevail : it struck some one that it was unnecessary to erect a rampart down the middle of the table, and those who saw the innovation of low vases and lighter ornaments first wondered and then commenced that truest of all flattery — imitation. During late seasons the decoration of dinner -tables in London reached a pitch which it most certainly never did. before, some of the tables presenting the appearance of positive gardens. It is perhaps hypercritical when speaking of so elegant a deco- ration as flowers, still it appeared to us that in many instances this ornamentation was consider- ably overdone. It is hardly in good taste to 40 TABLE DECORATION. decorate a dinner-table in a manner which conveys to the minds of all the guests that a great effort has been made. Such decoration is in place at a state banquet, a ball supper, or some festivity not of constant occurrence, but is scarcely suitable to RUSTIC BASKET IN GLASS. a friendly gathering such as an ordinary dinner- party. For this reason low baskets, vases, etc., filled with choice flowers, have a better effect than the elaborate arrangements of small tin troughs forming patterns en the table which were intro- ARRANGEMENT OF FLOWERS. 41 duced'some years back, and were so largely patron- ised. Our illustration sihows a very pretty rustic basket in glass, copied from one of the designs of Mr. Osier, Oxford Street. It is much to be wished that ladies would acquire the habit of arranging their flowers themselves : gardeners arrange them well, but generally err by making all their bouquets too stiff, while servants have a perfect mania for filling every vase twice too full, and also for carefully eliminating every particle of green. A moment's consideration will show that this is a cardinal mistake : flowers require relief, and show to infinitely better advantage when sur- rounded by ample greenery than when pressed closely against each other. As an exemplification, how much more truly beautiful is an ordinary well-grown azalea, with its delicate blossoms show- ing against the natural background of leaves, than one of the marvellous specimens of horticultural art, exhibited at flower-shows, consisting of a pyra- mid of flowers without a visible leaf ! On a dinner- table, where, besides the blaze of light, there are the expanse of glossy white cloth and the glitter of silver to fatigue the eye, the repose of green leaves is more than ever needed. In London, too, flowers are a costly luxury, and it is wise to reflect that half the quantity judiciously mingled with green will look infinitely better than if the whole were a mass of costly blooms. The fashion is rapidly gaining ground of having not even dessert- dishes on the table, and the mode has such a sub- 42 TABLE DECORATION. stratum of good sense that it will in all probability become universal. Fruit was certainly a great ornament on the table, but its presence in the dining-room had two distinct disadvantages : first, the heat of the room inseparable from the lights, the number of guests, and odour of the hot viands, seriously impaired the freshness of all fruits and totally ruined the delicate flavour of those with thin skins, such as the, strawberry ; and, secondly, the odour of the fruit, drawn out by the heat of the room, mingled far from satisfactorily with that of fish, soup, and entrees. The fruit should be ar- ranged in another room, handed round when re- quired, and placed on the table when the ladies leave the room. Of course, fruit being the only ornamental portion of the dessert, its exclusion involves a loss, as cakes, biscuits, and dried fruits are scarcely beautiful from an artistic point of view. The beautiful and artistic design shown on our next page answers admirably for the arrange- ment of either fruit or flowers. It is copied from one of the newest table ornaments of Messrs. Mappin and Webb, Oxford Street. The absence of dessert, therefore, renders the adornment of the table an object of considerably more importance. Tastes vary so much .that it is quite impossible to give any absolute rules, and it is well it is so, as the variety produced by differing ar- tistic views is extremely pleasing, nothing being more wearisome than monotony of decoration. Still, as a general principle, capable of innumerable modifi- VASES FOR FLOWERS. '43 cations, if the ilowers are placed in vases the centre one should be higher than the others. There are such innumerable graceful shapes now both in glass and china, that there can be no difficulty in suiting every taste ; a very pretty one in glass consists of a central vase springing from three lower and smaller ones, the vase being composed of a shallow saucer. This is a pretty form and fljUieLcH. FLOWER-STAND FOR DINNER-TABLE. easy to arrange. The three vases surrounding the centre should be similar in arrangement though without absolute formality : round the centre vase should be an overlapping fringe of green ; maiden- hair fern is the lightest and prettiest if attainable ; indeed, the more lavishly it is used the more graceful will be the bouquets. The shallow saucer at the bottom may be filled as taste dictates, care being taken to interpolate sufficient green. 44- TABLE DECORATIOK. Many people are deterred from decorating their tables by the belief that very expensive flowers are requisite, which is a grievous mistake, the truth being that, with a little taste and thought and plenty of green, there is hardly a flower, no matter how common, which cannot be utilised. Sufficient use is hardly made of the pretty greenhouse lyco- podium, which can be grown in shallow saucers, convenient for placing in glass or china baskets, and which looks beautiful with a very few flowers peering from its green fronds. Where economy of flowers is an object, damp moss or silver sand is a better medium to place them in than water, as they will not need mutual support, and need not, therefore, be so closely crushed together. If sand be used in glass vases, it will be found advis- able to line the glass with green, such as stray leaves, scraps cut off fern fronds, etc., as sand is not pretty to look at. Indeed, this is by no means a bad method even when the glasses are filled with water, as it obviates the unsightly appearance of the stalks, and also, if certain plants are used, of discoloured water. Sand is imperative for the small tin troughs forming patterns on the table, as they are light and liable to be easily overturned; besides, sand enables every tiny scrap of flower to be used, as there is no fear of even a single blossom sinking in and being lost. Though these troughs have too formal and studied an appearance if lavishly used, they can be used in small numbers with excellent effect, and produce an imposing SIMPLE TABLE BOUQUETS. 45 appearance with marvellously few flowers. Single flowers of the pelargonium, with an edging of either leaves, fern or lycopodium, tell wonderfully, and a few heads go a long way. If the petals are inclined to fall, a little thick gum should be dropped into each flower. In spring, primroses inserted as single stars on velvety moss look extremely well in these troughs, which are sold in shapes that lend them- selves to all sorts of combinations, so that the table need not present the same aspect for two days together. Primi-oses in moss, with a few small ivy-leaves placed as if springing up through the moss, make a charming group for a centre vase. If it is not furnished with a saucer at the bottom it can be placed in a large flat circular dish, the edges of which can be hidden with fern, or by suf- fering the moss to overlap, and then confining it round the bottom with green thread. In the autumn, in the country, those who do not possess well-furnished gardens may, if they will use their eyes attentively, construct lovely bouquets from the fields and hedges. Bulrushes, the leaves of the water arrowhead, the purple spikes of the loosestrife, the exquisite wreaths of the briony either with or without its clusters of coral berries, the fluffy down of the wild clematis, and the brown and crimson leaves of the bramble, all lend them- selves in an especial manner to decoration. Water lilies form a lovely ornament for flat dishes, either alone or as a base for vases. It should be borne in mind that, no matter what other greenery is used, 46 TABLE DECORATION. a flower should always, when practicable, be accom- panied by a leaf of its own species : attention to such small details constitutes one of the great arts of floral arrangement. It should also be remem- bered that spiked flowers, such as larkspur, June lilies, Yuccas, Canterbury bells, etc., are best suited for tall vases ; while flat flowers, such as roses, and spreadingumbelliferous ones, such as pelargoniums, are seen to the best advantage in flat dishes. A great object is to avoid any appearance of stiffness without rendering the arrangement eccentric or one- sided ; but a fairly correct eye and a little practice are all that are necessary. When some really good flowers can be afforded, a pretty finish to a dinner- table is to place one of the so-called " specimen glasses," which are now constructed in every variety of elegant form, either before each guest or between every two ; but they had better not be used unless some really good flowers can be placed in them. A rosebud, with a leaf and spray of maidenhair, is appropriate, and it has a pleasing effect if they are placed alternately ; for instance, a white bud and a pink one, or a damask and a yellow, etc. Spirsea is nearly as useful as is maidenhair to the flower - arranger ; its feathery white flowers break up harsh lines and give grace to otherwise commonplace arrangements. A different method of decoration consists in forming a pattern on the tablecloth with richly coloured and variegated leaves, such as coleus, etc. ; but this, though perhaps pleasing as an oc- STRONG-SCENTED FLOWERS. 47 casional change, has the double disadvantage of staining the tablecloth and of being liable to dis- turbance by the slightest gust of wind, such as might be caused by the sudden opening of a dooiv We may remark that it is advisable that a hostess should make herself acquainted with the names of the flowers used in the decoration of her table, and that she may not be obliged to confess ignor- ance, should information be demanded of her. There is one thing that should always be re- membered by those who are arranging flowers for living - rooms — but more especially for a dinner- table — which is, never to make use of strong-scented flowers. Those who are not themselves rendered uncomfortable by strong scents are apt to forget that others do not share their happy immunity, and employ stephanotis, gardenia, or tuberose, without realising the suffering which they in- flict. One of the loveliest dinnei t .bles ever seen was composed of a large bed of lyeopodium, ar- ranged with stephanotis and lily-of-the-valley ; but several of the party grew momentarily whiter and whiter, were unable to eat a morsel, and, in short, passed an evening of undeniable suf- fering, which no host or hostess would willingly inflict on their guests. It is simply a matter of thoughtlessness, and as such needs but to be pointed out to be corrected. Some of the most beautiful kinds of azalea are scentless, but neither the yellow, nor the white should be placed upon a dinner-table, and hyacinths, lilacs, June lilies, .8 TABLE DECORATION. hawthorn, and heliotrope, in any but infinitesimal quantities, should be carefully avoided, as also should narcissus and jonquils. One flower of the magnolia is overpowering in a room, and should never be allowed to penetrate farther than the hall of a country house, where its rich fragrance is truly delicious. It is a pity that so many beautiful flowers must, for their very perfection, be tabooed; still no decoration is worth the risk of making even one guest uncomfortable, and there are such a variety of beautiful blossoms left that they can ASPARAGUS-DISH. well be spared. Happily the rose, the queen of flowers, never affects one unpleasantly. Incidental table decoration may be accomplished in a degree by adopting some of the innumerable graceful and pretty devices constantly appearing ; such as the asparagus-dish, which we copy from one of Messrs. Mortlocks' designs, and selecting from the many varieties of menu-stand only those that are as fanciful and pretty as our illustration on another page, of the little dancing-girl — also from a design of Messrs. Mortlocks'. AFTERNOON TEA. At Home days ; Afternoon Whist Parties ; At Homes ; Music ; Afternoon Dances ; Garden Parties ; Toilettes ; Intro- ductions. The custom, now so prevalent, of having afternoon teas is one of comparatively recent date. It origin- ated in the dissatisfaction felt by many on return- ing home at finding that the very persons they most vi^ished to see had called in their absence, and this disappointment gave rise to the habit which is known as " taking a day." This signifies that a lady makes up her mind to be at home on a certain day of the week, and notifies the same to her friends, either by woi'd of mouth, or else by writing on the cards she .leaves, " At home on Tuesdays, 4 to 7." Sometimes this is modified by " Tuesdays in June," restricting the day taken to one month. This plan was,- as we have said, the origin of the custom, but it has its inconveniences. People who are not acquainted with each other are likely to call at the same time, and though they may join in general conversation, it is necessarily of a formal charatter, and individual guests have little chance of really talking to their hostess, who S 50 AFTERNOON TEA. is exerting herself for the general entertainment. Another drawback is that, when a lady announces herself as being at home on a certain day every Jf/X^-'- other (though, of course, those who only intend to leave cards can do so), as it seems to denote no WHIST PARTIES. 5! wish to see her, and the day selected may often be inconvenient. The smallest and most familiar form of after- noon tea is, perhaps, the pleasantest : it is when a lady invites a few friends all known to each other, or one or two of whom specially desire to make each other's acquaintance. Such invitations ar.". issued verbally or by note, and the preparations involve nothing more than a few extra teacups and a little more bread-and-butter. Then, again, there is the somewhat larger gathering, when from thirty to fifty people are asked ; and it is then judicious, unless there are several daughters of the house to take charge of the tea-table, to place it in the back drawing-room under the supervision of the lady's-maid, as it is quite impossible for the hostess to dispense the tea and also attend to the entertainment of her guests. When the enter- tainment is of this description, there should be coffee, cake, and biscuits, besides the tea and bread and butter ; and in the summer it is advis- able to add ices and claret-cup, besides strawber- ries and cream. Another form of afternoon entertainment, com- mon only in the winter time, is the afternoon whist party. A certain day in the week is se- lected, certain friends agree to meet for the pur- pose of the game, and the hostess is "not at home " to an^ one not included in the coterie. The reason of this is obvious, as general convers- ation is apt to disturb the players. Tea, coffee, 52 AFTERNOON TEA. sherry, and claret-cup are the refreshments usually provided at these parties, which are becoming yearly more fashionable, and which last from five o'clock to seven, or even later. The larger gather- ings, which are rather afternoon receptions than teas, are more frequent in summer than in the winter season, partly,' we imagine, from the in- convenience of winter garments in crowded rooms. The summer toilette is more suited to a room crowded to excess than a velvet dress and seal- skin ; and besides, many ladies fear to be out after sunset during the winter months. During May, June, and July, afternoon parties are the rage. The invitations are conveyed by cards similar to those used for evening receptions : " Mrs. A. at home," with the names of the invites written at the top of the card, and "Tuesday, May 21, 4 to 7," written below " At home." It is unnecessary to answer one of these cards unless it is certain that the invitation cannot be accepted, when it is courteous to intimate the fact. Gentlemen, as a rule, do not appreciate these afternoon festivities ; still they should always be asked, the omission exhibiting a total absence of savoir-faire. It has occurred to us on one or two occasions to see some device stamped on the card, as, for instance, a gold teatray, with a teapot and teacup upon it; but such ornamentation is not in good taste, the plain card being more correct — in fact, cards always should be plain, having neither crests nor mono- AFTERNOON PARTIES. 53 grams upon them. Although the hour named is from 4 to 7, it is very seldom that any one ap- pears before half-past four, and the fullest time is from five to six, when drawing-rooms, staircase, and dining-room are generally crowded to excess. The refreshments are much the same as those for an evening reception, and arranged in the same manner on a buffet at the end of the dining- room. Tea, coffee, both hot and iced, and ices, are at the end, generally presided over by the lady's - maid. Waiters are engaged for the other portion of the table, where there are sandwiches, rolls filled with lobster salad, cakes, buns, fruit, claret and champagne-cup. Sometimes these afternoon entertainments are diversified by amateur music, and then the grand piano is generally placed in the centre of the back drawing-room, the performers are grouped behind it, and the audience stand round as they please. Of course when there are professional singers the entertainment assumes the importance of a con- cert, chairs, are placed in rows as for an evening concert, " music " is put in the corner of the cards, and programmes are provided, and distri- buted by the servants. Sometimes the entertain- ment consists of the performances of Mr. Corney Grain, or of one or two French performers, who enact comedies de salon. In either case it is better to notify the fact upon the card, as those who arrive late are apt to be disappointed, and wish they had known the pleasure that awaited them. 24 AFTERNOON TEA. The one form of entertainment which never succeeds in the afternoon is dancing. People have not the requisite energy for it so early in the day, and flushed cheeks and loosened hair are more visible by daylight than at night. On the vfhols, we think that those teas which aim at nothing more ambitious than gathering people together to talk are the most successful. There is nothing people enjoy so thoroughly as hearing themselves talk, and they are apt to regard even the best music as an interruption. This is proved by the persistence with which they sometimes talk through it. Those hostesses who are desirous of. giving afternoon parties, and who have villas in the neighbourhood of London, are much to be congratulated, except that they undergo unspeak- able anxiety respecting the weather. On a fine hot day every one enjoys a party given in a pretty garden, under fine trees, such as grace the ma- jority of the London suburbs. Space, too, is not so great an object, and a hostess is not compelled to be so rigorously exclusive in her invitations. A band is generally stationed under the trees, and the refreshments are served in various tents and marquees scattered about the grounds. A special feature, too, at these gatherings, is the presence of children, who can run about and play together on the grass without the same cer- tainty of being in the way that would attend their appearance in a drawing-room. When children are invited, it is very usual to have " Punch," LEAVING CARDS. 55 performing dogs or monkeys, or some other special entertainment for them. All cai'ds for such al fresco parties should bear the words, " Weather permitting." After an afternoon party, as after any other, cards should be left, if possible, the next day; or, if that cannot be, as soon after as is possible. This should be done whether the party has been attended or not ; and if at the last moment it has been found impos- sible to attendj it is courteous to leave a note : " Mr. and Mrs. A. and the Misses A. regret they were unavoidably prevented having the pleasure of waiting on Mrs. B.," or "of availing them- selves of Mrs. B.'s kind invitation of yesterday." These small details may appear very trivial, but it is the accurate knowledge and practice of them that constitutes the difference between savoir-faire and social ignorance. These afternoon parties are very pleasant, though hardly, we think, so enjoyable as those given in the evening ; but the hurry of London fashionable life is so great that it is impossible to find nights enough for all the parties that are to be given, and many ladies attend three or four teas before dining out, and proceeding to a drum, concert, and one or more balls. In the friendly gatherings of which we spoke at first, the: tables in two tiers will be found very convenient; the upper shelf being occupied by the cups, teapot, milk, etc., the lower by the bread- and-butter, cake, and spare cups. White table- ■ 56 A&TERNObN fEA. cloths are not used, but those embroidered in crewels on coarse linen or crash are fashionable. The saucers with a sort of fan-shaped projection for holding a piece of cake or bread-and-butter are most convenient, as they leave the hands more at liberty. The tea-table should be attended to by the hostess or her daughters in a small party, or in a larger one should be placed -in the back drawing-room, and attended to by the ser- vants, who are stationed behind it. It is a great mistake to have servants moving about with cups and trays ; they are greatly in the way, and impede conversation. Much attention is expended upon the toilettes worn at afternoon receptions, as in summer the dresses are so fully seen by daylight. For any parties occurring at a season when wraps are a necessity, the long fur-lined silk or cashmere cloaks are most convenient, as they can be easily slipped off in the hall, and the discomfort — to say nothing of the absolute danger — of sitting in a hot room in the same warm clothing that is re- quired in the carriage avoided. It is well to have the name legibly inscribed on tape and sewn in the cloak, to prevent mistakes. The hostess's dress should be rich and suitable, but not so much so as to outshine those of her guests. Ladies should be particular never to take any friend with them to an afternoon party merely because she happens to be driving with them : it is extremely ill-bred, though far from uncommon. They would UNI^IVITfeD tfftiENDS. 57 never dream of taking such a liberty at an even- ing party, and it is quite as great an error in the afternoon. Also, they should never take children unless they are asked : the hostess has, probabl}'^, infinitely more friends than space, and the children are certain to be terribly in the way; besides, they should consider that if the hostess had wished to see the children she would have invited them. Attention to these small details and courtesies constitutes the difference between an ill- and well- bred person, and therefore it is not amiss to point out the right • and the wrong thing to do ; for many persons err grievously in such respects from carelessness and want of thought. It does not seem to occur to them, for instance, that although Mrs. A., who is driving with them, is a dear friend of theirs, and, in their opinion, a charming woman, Mrs. B. may not consider her so, or may have some special reason for not wishing to make her acquaintance. If they do not like to leave her in the carriage while they go in,, they should renounce the pleasure of the entertain^- ment; but under no circumstances should they permit themselves to take a liberty with their friend. If you have a large circle of friends, and are at home to them one stated afternoon in each week, j'ou will generally find that they, if we may so say, arrange themselves. They do not all come every week, but look in perhaps each of them once in three weeks or a month ; thus you have never an 58 AFTERNOON TEA. overwhelming party to look after, but just enough each week to make it pleasant. As your friends will be most likely acquainted more or less with each other, conversation will be general ; mutual fi-iends of yours and of each other's will meet at your house, and will naturally fall into chatty con- verse without much aid on your part. Introductions are not usual now, for presumably meeting at a friend's house, 'people, if known to each other previously or not, fall into conversation, such acquaintance not necessitating any after acknowledgment on either side. The hostess can use her own discretion on the subject of intro- ductions, and make them where she knows it will be agreeable to each person so to do; but this power must be tempered very nicely with dis- cretion, or instead of pleasing, offence will very possibly be given. A hostess should, above all things, have the art of knowing what people to in- troduce to each other, what people have tastes in common, and then with ready tact to give some clue to each one's specialty; suppose both are musical, or cultivate art, or are fond of the same amusements, or have mutual friends, nothing is easier than to strike the key-note before you go off to look after some one else. In a large gathering it is of course difficult for the hostess to show due care for all, but if she has the ai't of entertaining she will soon accomplish this sine qua non in the part slije has to play. Music always helps on an afternoon of this kind. Under AFTERNOON TEA. 59 cover of music the shiest people find courage to make a remark, and during instrumental music talking is allowable, though not during singing. If the hostess has a pursuit which takes up a good deal of her time and prevents her being able to attend to the perpetual round of calling, which in a town becomes in some cases a perfect tax, then the one home day relieves her from being everlastingly en evidence. Her friends learn to know she leads a busy life, but on the one day she sets apart for them, on that day she will be found delighted to 'give them a welcome. In Paris men attend thes causants, as they are there called, very much more than they do in England, but there the art of conversation is far more practical than with us ; here, too often, our neighbours and the weather form our stock-in- trade, small wonder if it becomes in time weari- some. An agreeable hostess without being espe- cially clever, can manage to introduce the topics of the day, and get her guests to talk to each other and draw each other out. To do this she must be bright and agreeably sympathetic, have a consider- able amount of tact and unselfishness, and be familiar, to a certain extent, with what is going on in the outside world of art and pleasure. Then her five o'clock teas will be sought after, and though she may be unable to give any other more ostentatious form of entertainment, people will not consider her churlish nor wanting in social kindnecs. GOOD MANNERS. Pleasant Manners ; The Golden Rule ; Extreme Candour ; Cultivation of Cheerfulness ; Sensitiveness ; Straightfor- wardness ; Questions. A FEW words on general behaviour, irrespective of the relations of hostess and guest, may not be indpropos, though perhaps not strictly relevant to the title of this little volume. Next to a pleasant face, a pleasant manner helps us to get easily through the world and to make friends as we go. With a kind face, a bright manner, and a pleasing voice, a man does not need to be eleven, nor a woman to be handsome. Their way is cleared for them. To some, good manners come easily—to others with difficulty, or never at all. There are both men and women we have met, to whom we have inwardly said, quoting Jacques, "I thank you foryour company J but, good faith, I had as lief have been myself alone. God be with you ; let's meet as little as we can." It may indeed be but a hidden shyness on their part that makes them disagreeable, or it may be that thin crust of malevolence that many honest natures choose to clothe themselves withal. Very bad hearts are rare ; and if proof of THE EXTREME OF CANDOUR. 6l this were needed, witness the surprise of those who receive an ill-natured rebuff or rude reply. It is unexpected, and, being admittedly exceptional, proves the rule. But if bad hearts are rare, bad manners are not uncommon. The ill-taught body conveys distorted meanings from the mind to the world outside it; or the mind itself has never , learned that consideration for others conveyed in the (BoltltU IRltle for manners as for morals. " Put yourself in his place," is the first thing to be done in order to arrive at the knowledge of what our neighbour would wish us to do by him ; and this is not always easy. It is a hard thing to learn manners by our mistakes ; to see that some allusion has given pain, and say to ourselves self-reproach fully, " I ought to have known ; " to rush in, un- witting, where " angels fear to tread," and read in agonised eyes our bitter lesson. The veiy young have some small excuse for faults like these, but those who are old enough to have suffered, must be wanting either in heart or sympathetic feeling if hey blunder. The extreme of candour is one of the most fatal of these blunders, and the harder to be borne, because the delinquent prides himself or herself upon the possession of the quality. It is an un- christian action to tell us some hard things our acquaintances have said of us, because " we ought to know." We ought not to know, and would be very much happier if we had never known ; but our informant goes from us well content and smiling, 63 GOOD MANNERS. leaving us with an ache at our hearts, of which a little corner is often a just resentment against the "mischief-maker " who has so unnecessarily " been candid " with us. The cultivation of cheerfulness is a necessary part of good manners. " It is very pleasant," says George Eliot, " to see some men turn round, pleas- ant as a sudden rush of warm air in winter, or the, flash of firelight in the chill dusk." We all know such men and such women. They carry brightness with them wherever they go. When we are in trouble, we find consolation and healing in the warm hand-clasp of such friends ; comfort and rest in the honest sympathy that shines from their eyes and sounds in their voices. But there are not many so selfless in disposition; and more numerous are those who obtrude them- selves upon the world at large and assert their own special likes and dislikes upon all occasions. There could scarcely be a worse form of bad manners. " I am so sensitive," says an ill-tempered woman, who never considers the feelings of others for a moment, but expects all to accord to her a very special con- sideration. Truly sensitive persons were never yet heard to declare themselves to be so. They go through the world trying to conceal the fact. Nature has placed their hearts on their sleeve, but they carefully cover them from the daws who are ever ready to peck at hearts. A most artistic and finished portrayal of character of the soi-disant sensitive order is that of Hester in Harriet Mar- GOOD BREEDING. 63 fineau's "Deerbrook." Suffering intensely herself from nothing in the world but defective temper and a suspicious disposition, she nearly tires out the patience of those even who love her very dearl}'. Hester must have been drawn from the life. We have all, alas, met her and suffered from her, and pitied her, when our resentment allowed us to do so. Another type of obtrusive bad manners is the man ^ who prides himself upon being "thoroughly straightforward," and who acts up to his own ideal of his character, apparently upon those oc- casions only when to do so is particularly disagree- able. His friends soon discover that the brusque directness which is constantly placing them upon the horns of social dilemmas is apt to fail when called upon in affairs of moment. Straightforward- ness is an excellent quality, but it sliouldbe counter- balanced by a gentle consideration for others, and kept in control by the suaviter in modo, which is to the full as great a power as the fortiter in re. A person of good breeding seldom asks questions, and never insists upon a reluctant answer. There is a very homely saying which contains the pith of this section of good manners : " Ask me no questions, and I will tell you no lies." If statistics could be laid before us of the number of untrue replies that have been made to unwelcome questions, no further proof would be needed of the fact that, as a rule, questions are uncivil. The typical American (who is no more like the real 64 GOOD MANNERS. American than the ideal English May is like the real) is the greatest criminal in this matter; but there is a way of insinuating a question and getting the victim into a corner, from which he cannot escape without answering truly or untruly, that is quite as rude as the series of point-blank queries put into the mouth of the Yankee of English literature. Little however need be said on this point, since those who have experienced the inconvenience of mal-apropos questioning will certainly spare others a like infliction ; and who is there that has not suffered from the endless notes of interrogation which answer to the idea of conversation to many minds ? If we take as a guide the inimitable maxim, " Do unto others as ye would they should do unto you ;" if we note all that annoys ourselves only that we may avoid annoying others in a similar way ; if we store up in our memory all that has pleased our- selves in the manner or conversation of others, so that we may thereby give pleasure to our friends in our turn — considering others as we would be con- sidered^we shall be doing our best to attain to that excellence of behaviour which St. Peter must have had in his mind when he wrote : "2Be pitiTuI, ht coumouiS." COUNTRY VISITING. Invitations ; Dresses ; Hats ; Bonnets ; Packing ; Departlee. Unpacking ; It is usual, when one is asked to the same places every year, for invitations to be about the same time, either in September, October, or November, which are the three chief country visiting months. During these there is always shooting going on for the gentlemen, and the hostess likes to fill her house with ladies also at the same time. We shall more especially consider young ladies in the following i-emarks. It is less expensive to go from house to house than it is to return home each time and start afresh. Sometimes the invitations fit in beauti- fully. A week here, a few days at the next house to follow, and so on ; happily now there is not the uncertainty about visits there used to be. One is asked for four or five days or a week, as the case may be, ari^the time of coming and going fixed, which saves one from thinking, " I wonder how long they expect me to stay ? " and ends in making 6 66 coUnTrV visits. oneself quite vrncomfortable, fancying one has either stayed too long, or else hurried away. We shall suppose the visits altogether will extend over three weeks, about a week at each house, in order to offer a little advice on the subject of dress. If you do not meet the same people at each house, you can make one set of dresses, with care, do for all your visits. Two morning dresses, two aftei-noon dresses, and three or four evening toilettes will be enough, with a sufficient quantity of linen to last you without washing, as for short visits it is not usual to put your things out. You will need wraps of course, at least two out-of-door garments. Very likely you will have your after- noon dresses regular costumes, with hats to match. If you have a fur set of either seal, sable, skunk, or some good fur, it will hold you in good stead ; and even if you wear your furs day after day you need not mind, as it is quite permissible to wear a handsome fur jacket on all arid every occasion. You should take an opera cloak, or fur-lined cloak, in case you go out to a party while on your visits, or Village Penny Readings, or concert, things very much appreciated in the country, and which your hostess, if of any status, will be sure to be obliged to patronise, if it is in her parish. Take also your habit and riding-hat if you ride ; a warm, com- fortable dressing-gown for use in your own room, and a dressy tea-gown, if you wear sifch things- only do not appear in it unless you find it is a custom of your hostess to -wear such a costume, or The necessary dresses. 67 you will feel uncomfortable ; do not wear it the first day at all events, until you see what the others do. It may be as well, perhaps, to enter a little into detail with regard to your dresses. Your two morning costumes would of course be of thick, warm materials, plainly and neatly made; say one of cloth, and another of velveteen ; these should be made walking length, with a balayeuse of some bright colour, matching the trimming of the dress. Your two afternoon dresses v/ill be more elaborate ; you could change into them, if necessary, before the two o'clock lunch, in order to be ready for the drive, or whatever amusement follows that meal. If lawn tennis, you would keep on your morning dress, or if you have a regular dress for the game, choose that instead. Afternoon dresses should be composed of two materials — satin and plush, or silk and cashmere. A buttoned-on train to wear with the satin and plush would be advisable, so as to convert it with the addition of lace and extra ribbons of the same colour, into a quiet dinner dress. These buttoned- on trains are easily arranged, and are a consider- able comfort. Have gloves to match all your dresses,- also stockings. It may seem extravagant to start with, but in the end it is a saving. Evening dresses should be cut square, or heart-shaped; not low, as these are little worn how even for a ball, only on State occasions. Those dresses which do not expose the shoulders are very much more '68 COUNTRY VISITS. graceful, and with lace can be made as dressy as you please. For a girl nothing is in better taste than pure white or ivory. You can always brighten it up with colour ; but white or cream is more girlish and suitable than any colour, and worn with trails of natural flowers or autumn leaves is always in good taste. By the way, if you are handy with your fingers, a ramble in a wood will give you fresh adornments for your dress, if you have some fine flower wire with you, and an ordinary share of taste. Say, then, you have one white or cream dress, short, with extra train, one coloured, and one black with coloured flowers or ribbon, you will be amply provided for a week's visit, especially if you have one of your afternoon dresses, which can be made into a dinner dress as well. As to hats, do not choose outre or eccentric shapes, they are not well worn, and look decidedly fast. Have one hat with you which will stand wet weather ; a soft felt is best ; it might be made of the same material as your ulster, or at least of the same colour. In the country that useful sort of garment will be found very handy. Take two pair of neat, thick boots, a pair of riding boots (if you ride), two pair of evening shoes, one pair of white or cream for the ball dress, one pair of morning shoes, and a comfortable pair of slippers. See that all your toilet accessories are neat; nice brushes, with a case for them, and a case to match for your night-dress; these might be worked by PACKING. 69 yourself, with your monogram in crewels. Have scissors, pins, hair-pins, a needle- book, and different coloured cottons handy ; also extra boot buttons, and a button-hook with you, also a good-sized hand glass. Extra lace, ruffles, cuffs for riding, hand- kerchiefs, fans, evening gloves, and mittens, you will, of course, be provided with. Take writing materials; they are usually provided for you, but it is just possible they may not be. And, last of all, a good-sized wicker trunk, covered with leather, with an outside case, neatly bound and lettered with your initials, to pack all these be- longings in. It is quite necessary you should know how to pack well. You may have a maid to pack for you ; in v/hich case, when visiting, you will most likely take her, and she will pack, unpack, and do every- thing for you ; but if you have no maid, you must do your work yourself. To line your trunk with clean paper is the preliminary step. That done, of course you know that all heavies should go in first— -books, boxes (unless holding flowers), boots and shoes ; then your linen, then thick dresses, riding habit, and the skirts of evening ones, if separate; then your light evening things. Ypu have in the basket-trunks a tray for bonnets, hats, flowers, and small articles, such as laces, ribbons, and gloves. The more carefully you pack, the longer will your dresses keep fresh. Never turn a dress inside out to pack; it is an old-fashioned, exploded idea, 70. COUNTRY VISITS. and, moreover, a wrong one. Fold from the pocket seam, the drer.ses will lie flatter. Bodices of dresses should have paper (silver) inserted between bows of ribbons or small puffs of the material, to prevent their crushing ; cotton wool round flowers, if on toilettes, and a sheet of silver paper between each evening dress, or yellow tissue paper, which is even better; wrap up buttons, silver or gilt, to prevent their tarnishing, and over the top of the trunk, before the tray is placed in, lay a sheet of yellow or blue tissue-paper; then put' in your tray, packed with your light, small articles and your hats or bonnets. Lay over the top of this another sheet of paper, and your trunk can be locked and strapped, ready for your journey. Unpacking is quite as much to be considered as packing. Do not be in a hurry. If your room is provided with a hanging wardrobe, shake out and hang up your thick dresses and the skirts of your evening gowns. Lay the bodices carefully in a drawer, allovv'ing the paper wadding to remain in them until required for use ; put one of your sheets of paper over these as they lie flat in a drawer ; put the other over your hats and bonnets in another. Very often your room is not large enough to allow of your trunk remaining in it, or your hostess may not care to see luggage about. Anyhow, it is far better to unpack than leave your things in your box, as you are sure to spoil them, and tumble them about, in your search after things you want each day. Fold up all papers you have used in DUTIES OF GUESTS. 71 packing before you send your trunk away, and deposit them in it, ready for re-packing ; lock your box and keep the key. You will then have paper ready to your hand when you wish to wrap up your things again. Bags for boots are better than paper ; you might make yourself a set of some bright- coloured dimity, and always keep them clean and ready for visiting. Your best fur jacket I conclude you will wear ; your ulster and wraps you can strap neatly together as a bundle ; your other jackets and cloaks you can pack. You now are ready to start. You arrive, probably, about tea-time, and, afier a cup of that refreshing beverage, are conducted- to your room, where you can unpack at leisure. Your hostess will probably tell you if she expects any company to dinner, and you will then know what dress to put on for that evening, whether your best dinner dress or a quiet one. There are many ways in which young ladies staying in a house can help their hostess. If they sing or play, they can do so directly they are asked, without waiting to be .pressed, and so contribute their quota to the evening's amusement. A young lady who only.sings or plays under a large amount of pressure makes a very great mistake. If she sings well, there can be no reason why she should not at once do as she is asked. If she only plays or sings a little, ready compliance disarms criticism. Then if there are children in the house young ladies can always help to amuse them, or they 73 COUNTRY VISITS. could write the menus for their hostess, or, at all events, offer to do so, or join pleasantly in any effort she may make towards getting up amuse- ments for them. If dancing is going on and no regular music provided, any girl who can play dance music should of course take her turn in doing so, and not allow all the work to fall on those who first volunteered their services. Indeed, there are many ways in which a bright, lively girl can help her hostess without appearing obtrusive. The subject of gratuities to servants is a vexed one. If girls are visiting with their parents the onus of the business generally falls on the latter. If they are visiting alone, either singly, or two sisters together, they must of course give according to their means, and to the work which has been done for them; if they haye had assistance in dressing for dinner each night, they would natu- rally offer a larger douceur than they would other- wise do. But it is not in the least necessary that they should give anything to the men-servants in the house, unless they have ridden while staying there, and then the groom who had charge of the horse or horses used would naturally expect to be remembered. From half-a-crown to five shillings, according to the length of the visit, and the amount of work done, would be quite sufficient for a single lady to give for, say, the inside of a v/eek's visit. The entire system is a wrong one, but as it is likely to continue, it is useless to enter into any dis- cussion here respecting its merits or demerits. DEPARTURE. ']'^ When the time for the visit is over you will probably find that some arrangement has been made by your friends for conveying you to the railway station ; fall in, if possible, with any plans made, or else you may put out other arrangements. PICNICS. Choice of Locality; Invitations; Conveyanxe of Guests; Fare ; Luncheon ; Five o'Clocx Tea ; Suitable D.iess ; Lntro- ductions. When the London season is fairly over, and those who have been enjoying its gaieties have returned once more to their country homes, it is the turn of those wlio have been quietly stationary and occu- pied with their usual tranquil avocations, and who have enjoyed none of the fierce delights of mid- night balls or of morning canters in the Row; of watching exciting polo matches at Hurlingham, or closely contested cricket matches at Lord's ; of visits to Ascot, water-parties at Maidenhead, or skating reunions at Prince's, to have their milder dissipation. August weather is generally fine, hot, and fairly settled; the days are long and the even- ings warm and delightfully adapted for long drives in the still, soft air. Most houses in a neighbour- liood have one or more casual guests, though not the large parties which assemble later in the year when the shooting season has begun; and it is invariably decided that a picnic affords one of the pleasantest means of meeting possible under the PICNICS. 75 circumstances. The first consideration is the selection of the spot to be visited, and the point is a very important one. It should be a place pos- sessed of some attractions, affording something intei'esting to be seen when the important business of luncheon is over. It should be easily attainable by all those who are to be invited, and yet not a spot so well known' as to be wearisome; it should be safe from the invasion, for that day at least, of excursionists; and if it is by any means possible, it is highly desirable that there should be some shelter near at hand, so that in case of one of the sudden changes of weather so common in this fickle climate, there should be some place of refuge. The place and the day being decided upon, the next step is to issue the invitations. The best plan is certainly to write notes rather than to send formal invitations: there are generally so many" matters to be explained which cannot be done on a formal card. There are very many methods of arranging such a party. Sometimes the guests are requested to meet at the appointed spot at a given hour ; sometimes, if any portion of the journey has to be made by train, the train selected and the hour of its arrival at different intermediate stations are indicated. All arrangements in such instances respecting the conveyance of guests should be made by the originator of the picnic. For instance, having decided on the train, and ascertained the number of the guests and their intentions as to joining the train pr finding, their own way to the 76 PRELIMINARY ARRANGEMENTS. rendezvous, notice should be given to the railway officials of the probable amount of accommodation required which will avoid much inconvenience and considerable delay. Care should also be taken so to arrange matters that a sufficient num- ber of vehicles shall be in readiness at the final station to convey the party to their destination, and also at a preconcerted hour to take them back again. As it often exercises the minds of picnic pro- jectors whether it is they or their guests who shall pay for the railway-fares and the necessary vehicles, it is as well to state that all the arranger of the party has to do is to take care that the accommod- ation is forthcoming, the guests paying for their own tickets and flys. Formerly there was an idea that at a picnic every guest should furnish some portion of the feast, and when there had not been judicious pre-consultation some very absurd results sometimes took place, such as every one bringing a chicken, or perhaps a tongue, which produced a certain sameness in the repast. Now, however, that picnics, when given at all, are generally large ones, it has been found infinitely more convenient either for the givei' of the party to provide the whole luncheon, or else for three or four friends to combine — one contributing cold fowls and tongues, another lobster salad or any preparations of fish and vegetables, one pastry and jellies, another wine, and another fruit. Each knowing exactly the article which alone they have to provide, there PICNICS. n is no fear of anything being forgotten ; and it is absolutely essential in a large party that servants should be taken, as amateur packing and unpacking are apt to be attended with disastrous results. Sometimes it is considered a great refinement to have hot vegetables, but this gives a great deal of trouble, and is quite unnecessary. Cold chicken, ham and tongue, rolls filled with lobster salad or plain salad, sandwiches made of pounded chicken or game, foiegras either made into sandwiches between thin slices of dry toast, or a mouthful ensconced in a tiny shape of Aspic jelly, cold salmon, abundance of salad, plenty of fruit, bread, butter, and cheese, quantities of ice, and no stint of claret-cup, champagne and cider-cup, pigeon pies, in which it is essential that the pigeons should be boned, and some Devonshire cream for eating either with fruit or with tarts — with these anything hot may well be dispensed with. Ar- rangements should be made to reach the trysting- place about an hour before the time settled for luncheon ; and the important point of where the feast is to be spread being settled, the party should disperse, a signal being agreed upon to recall them at the proper time. Frequently, however, some of the gentlemen volunteer to concoct the cups and to mix the salads. The choice of the spot is a matter of great con- sequence, and one should be selected where there is a certainty of shade, as it is impossible to hold up a parasol during luncheon, and nothing is more 78 CHOOSING A SITE FOR LUNCHEON. uncomfortable for a lady than to be exposed to a pitiless sun. The immediate vicinity of water should also be avoided, for not only is there a blinding glare from it when the sun strikes the surface, but it attracts midges and other insects which sting unmercifully. Care should also be taken to see that the guests are not seated upon an ant-hill, and that there is no wasps' nest in the immediate vicinity, though no precaution will absolutely prevent these inconvenient insects making their way to the fruit, and bringing dis- comfort and annoyance with them. Luncheon is generally a somewhat prolonged en- tertainment, and when it is over the party usually disperse, either to visit the ruins, or to walk to the waterfall, or to climb to the top of the hill to see the view, or, in short, to amuse themselves according to the nature of the place visited. Before they disperse, arrangements should be definitely made as to when and where they are to reassemble, and it is judicious to name an hour rather earlier than is absolutely necessary, as in a large party it is tolerably certain that there will be at least a few unpunctual people. Sometimes, if there is a cot- tage near, where water can be boiled, it is con- sidered pleasant to have five o'clock tea before s', arming for home: in any case, well-iced claret and cider-cups should be attainable, and any fruit that may be left. Care should be taken, however, not to'leave it out in the sun, as it utterly spoils the flavour : it should be well covered with damp PICNICS. 79 leaves and put as near the ice as is possible. Sometimes the whole company adjourn to the house of one of the party for a late informal dinner, oc- casionally followed by a dance ; but this is apt to make the day very long and tiring for the chape- rons, however pleasant it may be to the young people, and had better not be attempted if the journey to and fro has been a long one. It is also somewhat perplexing in the matter of costume, as the dress suitable for a picnic is hardly suitable for a dance, while a toiktte pretty enough for the evening is sadly out of place where there is any prospect of scrambling among ruins or visiting waterfalls or damp wood-paths. For young ladies nothing is prettier or more suitable than cotton, linen, or holland dresses; or else mohair, ticking, serge, if the wind be chilly, homespun or some such unpretending material, and they should be short enough to be convenient for walking. If the niake and fagon of the dress be stylish, and all the adjuncts, such as boots, gloves, and fichu, unex- ceptipnable, the toilette will look fully as well as if made of more costly materials — nay, better, for it will be more appropriate. Elderly ladies need not of course affect so severe a simplicity of style, but even they will do well to avoid elaborate trim- mings and costly lace, and shady hats are infinitely more appropriate than smart bonnets. It is not necessary for gentlemen to wear frock-coats and tall hats, as for the more formal festivities of garden or archery parties. Shooting-coats and wideawakes are quite permissible at a picnic. 8o MINOR DETAILS. Invitations need not be very long — a week is ample— and they should always be extended to any guests who may be staying with the friends invited. The latter, in replying, should be particular in stating whom they intend to bring — not only the number, but also the names — as it is pleasant for the lady arranging the party to know whom she may expect to see ; and if all the party meet at a station and go together, it renders it easier to arrange who should go together in the different carriages. It is attention to all such minute details which renders parties successful or the reverse. Endeavours should be m^de to prevent there being an undue preponderance of ladies,, as this always renders' a party dull. If there is any regiment stationed in the neighbourhood it is of course more easy to obtain gentlemen, and very frequently they are asked to allow their band to attend. It is advisable to introduce people to each other as much as possible ; the conditions of the entertainment cause such constant change of groups, that introductions are more useful than under ordinary circumstances. If the place se- lected can be reached by road, and the party meet at the point agreed on, courtesy demands that they should be punctual. A four -in-hand coach is a very delightful means of transit, if attainable, and fortunate ai-e those who arrive at their destination so comfortably. MANNERS AND CUSTOMS AT THE SEASIDE. Table d'iiute ; Manners ; Etiquette ; Suitable Deess ; Ac- quaintanceship ; Calls. While there is a certain slight relaxation of social rules in life at large hotels by the seaside, there is, on the other hand, a necessity for particular care in making fresh acquaintances. The very cir- cumstances whicli lead to the freedom of inter- course at the table d'hote, give opportunities to the unscrupulous of forcing their attentions upon others. Men can easily disengage themselves from the obtrusive. Women, too often, find great diffi- culty in doing so, whether from a fear of giving pain or from dread of rudeness in return for studied coldness. Inexperienced girls are often induced to make the acquaintance of persons whom their parents would at once detect as far removed from their own social position; and for this, among other reasons, the social rule ordaining that girls in good society shall never go anywhere unatten led must be immaculately kept. On the other hand, the stiffness of manner, which is characteristic of Englishmen and Englishwomen, 7 82 MANNERS AND CUSTOMS AT THE SEASIDE. need not be rigidly maintained in the drawing- room of the hotel, or at the dinner-table. Those who dread the conversation of persons who ap- proach them without a regular introduction should have private rooms. If they cannot afford^ these, let them take lodgings., A cold, constrained manner is apt to react upon others, and its in- fluence extends far in every direction from the person from whom it emanates. The happy union of qualities is a pleasant, frank, open manner, with that nice perception of the true and sincere in others, which usually accompanies the possession of true culture. The gentlewoman at heart is soon aware if the person addressing her has been brought up in the same social sphere as her own. The voice, the tone, the glance, the gesture, the manner — each of these is an index to what is within. If one fail, all cannot. In her own refinement, she possesses a test of refinement in others. The etiquette of table d'hote is similar to that of the ordinary dinner, with the exception that the waiters frequently show a tendency to neglect some persons at table, while they unduly favour others. This inclination has to be counteracted by the best means at hand, and this often occasions more noise and fuss than would be permissible at a private dinner table. The question of suitable dress at a watering- place is rather a vexed one. Many people collect a whole trousseau of new dresses, bonnets, hats, DRESS AT THE SEASIDE. 83 pai'asols, &c., for a seaside campaign. Others seem to imagine that it gives a fit opportunity of wearing out all kinds of half-worn dresses. Others, taking a sensible view of the case, provide them- selves with a selection from their wardrobe, com- prising comfortable and' even warm gowns for chilly days, with furs for cold evenings, and for donning directly after the bathing, in order to induce the warm glow, without which the bath does more harm than good. Fresh and pi-etty cottons, cambrics, and hollands for morning wear are not forgotten, nor the well-made serge for boating excursions. For the evening, a dinner dress of some material not easily crushed is necessary. Black 'grenadine, or lace over silk is excellent for this purpose. White dresses are popular for the seaside and deservedly so ; but they easily contract stains, and when one is far from one's own especial and trusted laundress, the matter is not so trifling as it would otherwise be. But for raids unexpected on the part of the waves, and for sandy foot-marks donated by small children in their affectionate eagerness, the white dress would be "the only wear" for those who can appreciate its picturesqueness as well as its cool qualities. The shingle is destructive to boots and shoes, so that those of firmer construction than ordinary should be chosen in view of a seaside visit. These need not be clumsy, but should be strong, and the less ornament there is about them, the better. 84 MANNERS AND CUSTOMS AT THE SEASIDE. The glare about the seaside is to some persons very unpleasant. The use of a light-coloured parasol is less effectual to exclude this glare than that of dark-coloured ones. Some persons excuse their use of white parasols by saying that black attracts the sun. This is true, but the purpose of the parasol is to exclude the light. The heat at- tracted by it is not conveyed to the person carrying the parasol. When two families become acquainted at seaside resorts, the acquaintanceship sometimes ripens into intimacy, and ultimately to friendship. Oc- casionally, however, both parties tacitly agree to drop the acquaintanceship after the visit which occasioned it has ended. Etiquette does not demand the continuance of these casual intimacies. A call should never be made by one visitor to a watgring-place until she has ascertained beyond a doubt that her acquaintance will be welcome to the lady on whom she calls. There are many indirect ways of finding this out, which need not be pointed out. They will occur to every one of breeding. Those who do not possess this valuable quality would not practise them" were we to re- capitulate them. Circumstances will give anyone an opportunity of implying a wish for a closer acquaintance, and circumstances will just as easily admit of the implied wish being politely but tacitly negatived or gently encouraged. THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. Invitations ; Favours ; Bouquets ; The Breakfast ; Wedding Presents ; Speeches ; The Bride's Precedence ; Wedding of Widows ; Bridesmaids' Dresses. The invitations are naturally the first considera- tion. These are usually issued by cards, or else by formal printed notes, which run as follows : " Mr. and Mrs. A. request the honour of Sir Wil- liam and Lady Jones's company at St. George's Church, Hanover Square, on Tuesday, December 14, at half-past eleven o'clock, to be present at the marriage of their daughter, and afterwards at the breakfast at 100, Grosvenor Gardens." Some- times the hour of the breakfast is named, which signifies that the guests are not expected to go straight from the church to the house, but to assemble there shortly before the breakfast hour. Care should be taken always to answer an invita- tion to a wedding, as it is of course convenient to know whom to expect ; and it is only courteous to be at the church before the bride arrives. She arrives in the carriage with her mother, and is re- ceived at the church door by her father, or, if she have not one, her nearest male relative, and her i>6 ORDER OF THE PROCESSION. bridesmaids. Her father gives her his right arm, and conducts her to the altar (or, in the case of a choral or High Church wedding, to the centre of the church, where the first portion of the ceremony is performed), where the bridegroom, attended by his best man, awaits her. The bride hands her gloves, handkerchief, and bouquet, to the head bridesmaid — her sister, if she has one— and the service commences. The bridesmaids follow the bride two-and-two up the aisle, and it is advisable to bestow a little preliminary thought upon how they are to be marshalled, so that those who walk in pairs may be as nearly as possible of the same height. Arrived at the altar, they should spread out in a semicircle behind the bride. The ceremony over, the bride and bridegroom go to the vestry, where they sign the register (the bride signing in her maiden name) and receive the con- gratulations of their nearest relatives. Meanwhile the bridesmaids have been supplied with baskets containing the favours, and distribute them to the company. They generally consist of a spray of jessamine and orange-blossom with a few silver leaves, with a little white satin ribbon for the ladies, and a spray of acorns with both green and silver leaves, but no ribbon, for the gentlemen. Those for the bridesmaids are usually more orna- mental, and frequently contain a spray of forget- me-not. The bridesmaids' bouquets are presented to them by the bridegroom, and are sent to them THE EtlQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 8/ early in the morning, as are also the lockets or any other souvenir with which he may present them. Until lately lockets, generally containing photo- graphs of bride and bridegroom, and bearing their initials in gold, enamel, or precious stones, were the universal form of gift, but now fans, rings, or bracelets are quite as fashionable. The bride- groom also presents the bride with her bouquet. When the bride and bridegroom have been in- formed by the best man that their carriage is ready, they are followed to the church door by the bridesmaids in the same order as before, and after they have driven off, the rest of the company make the best of their way to the house, or, if the break- fast is not to take place for some time, amuse themselves as best they may till the hour arrives. Sometimes the bridegroom is attended by grooms- men — one to each bridesmaid; but this custom is not acknowledged among the upper classes, and the bridegroom is attended by only one friend — the best man — who arranges for him all necessary mat- ters, such as paying fees, seeing that the carriage is in readiness, and, in fact, leaves him quite free to concentrate his thoughts upon his bride. During the interval which elapses between the arrival of the guests at the house and the announce- ment of breakfast, the wedding presents afford much interesting occupation. They should be tastefully arranged on tables in the drawing-rooms, with a card bearing the donor's name attached to each. Much taste may be displayed in the ar- 88 THE WEDDING BREAKFAST. rangement, but they look better if somewhat clas- sified; for instance, the plate should be on one table, the jewellery on another, etc. Very fre- quently, on the day preceding the wedding an afternoon reception is given, to which those who are not sufficiently intimate to be asked to the ceremony are invited, and at which the trousseau is exhibited, but this reception is by no means a necessary portion of the wedding festivities, and is frequently omitted. When breakfast is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead the way, and seat themselves in the centre of the long table opposite the cake. The bride's father follows with the bridegroom's mother, and seats himself next to his daughter, and the bridegroom's father follows with the bride's mother and places her next to the bridegroom. In the interval before breakfast the bride's mother has signified to the different gentle- men what ladies they are to take down, and they follow in due order. It is sometimes arranged that all the bridesmaids, with the gentlemen who escort them, sit opposite the bHde, the best man taking the head brides- maid, but there is no absolute rule about this. We are supposing a sitting-down breakfast, but such are now by no means universal : it is quite as usual to have a long buffet, as for a ball supper, with a few small round tables, for small parties, at one of which the bride and bridegroom and their parents sit, while the others are occupied by the principal guests. The menu generally consists of THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 89 soup, cold salmon, mayonnaise of lobster, hot cut- lets, chaudfroid of quails, or some other delicacy, according to the season, cold lamb, ham, chickens, tongue, and sweets, the table being tastefully ar- ranged with fruits and flowers. The menus have generally some silver ornamentation about them. Speeches are, happily, almost out of date : very frequently none are made at all ; if there are any, they are confined to a very few words. The guest of the highest consideration proposes the health of the young couple, and the bridegroom returns thanks and proposes the health of the brides- maids, to which the best man responds. Some- times the health of the parents on both sides is added, but is much better omitted. Previous to the health-drinking the bride cuts the cake, and as soon as the healths are drunk retires to don her travelling attire. It is much to be desired that the happy pair should leave early, as otherwise the entertainment is unnecessarily prolonged, and becomes wearisome. The bride appears in the drawing-room to make her adieux, and most of the company adjourn to the balcony to witness the departure. Two white satin slippers at least should be thrown, one by the best man, the other by one of the bridesmaids : it is the farewell, the wishing God-speed of the unmarried to those who have just left their ranks. Handfuls of rice, if thrown, should be thrown by the matrons, who thus welcome a new recruit to their ranks. After the departure the party at once breaks up. go WEDDINGS OF WIDOWS. It is no longer usual to send cake or cards to dis- tant friends ; indeed, so completely has the cus- tom been abandoned, that the notice in the an- nouncement of the marriage, " No cards," is now omitted. When the bride reappears in society after the honeymoon, she, the first time she dines at any house, takes precedence, as a bride, of all other ladies, no matter how high may be their rank. This continues for three months, after which time she is no longer considered a bride. She generally wears her wedding dress for three din- ners, but the orange-flowers must be omitted fi'om the coiffure : they are only permissible on the wedding day. -The wedding of a widow differs in many respects from that of a young lady. She very rarely indeed wears white — grey, mauve, or violet b.eing con- sidered more appropriate ; she wears a bonnet in- stead of a veil or wreath ; she has no bridesmaids, and no favours are distributed. It is generally considered better taste for the wedding to be as quiet as possible. The breakfast, if one is given, is confined to near relatives and extremely inti- mate friends. When, however, a girl marries a vvidower, there is no difference between the cere- mony and that which would take place if he were a bachelor. In London weddings there is seldom any entertainment on the evening of the wedding day. In the country there is frequently a dance, to amuse the relatives and friends who are neces- sarily staying in the house. A wedding in the THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. QI country is naturally much more troublesome and fatiguing than in London, but it is also much prettier, as there is scope for much display of taste in the decoration of the church, arrange- ment of triumphal arches, and other iioral adorn- ments. The fashion lately introduced of having the bridesmaids' dresses made in accordance with the season, both as to colour and texture, is eminently sensible ; and it may be- hoped that henceforth, at weddings that take place in autumn, winter, or early spring, bridesmaids may no longer be seen shivering in thin dresses, that are as unbecoming as they are dangerous to the health. THE ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING. mouening for widows, parents, children, grandparents, Uncles, Cousins ; Duration ; Materials. During times of health and happiness, it is per- haps rather trying to be asked to turn our thoughts into doleful channels ; but sooner or later in our lives the sad time comes for " Who breathes must suffer, and who thinks must mourn," and we have perforce to turn our minds to the inevitable and share " the common lot of man." In times of mourning it seems doubly hard to arouse ourselves, and allow the question of What to wear ? to in- trude itself. It is, however, necessary. Custom decrees, if even inclination does not prompt us, to show in some outward degree our respect for -the dead by wearing the usual black. We do not advise people to rush into black for every slight bereavement, nor, on the other hand, to show the utter disregard some do on the death of their relations, and only acknowledge the de- parture of those near and dear to them, by a band of crape round the arm. This is the mark of mourning adopted by those in the Services who have to wear uniform, but hardly a fitting way of DEGREES OF MOURNING. 93 outwardly showing respect to the memory of those who have been called away from us, and whose loss we deplore. A short time since, a lady ap- peared in a new ruby satin dress, with a band of crape round her arm. The fact of the dress being new, showed that poverty did not cause this in- congruity. It is hardly ever those who are styled " the poor," who so err against the accepted ideas of decency and respect. They always, however straitened they may be in circumstances, contrive to wear mourning for their deceased relatives. When black is fashionable, no difficulty is found in wearing it, and you meet all your friends so attired, but when it becomes a question of duty, these objections are raised as to the unnecessary expense, and the inconvenience of so dressing. The majority adhere in this respect to the customs their parents have followed ; but the advanced few are those who air such sentiments, talk of the " mourning of the heart, not mere outward woe," and not wearing what is really mourning, go into society on the plea, " Oh ! we know that those who are gone would not wish us to grieve for them." This may be all very well, but in the case of husbands, wives, parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and the nearer-related cousins, decency requires some outward mark of respect to their memory. It will be as well to consider in succession the different degrees of mourning, and their duration. The Widow's is the deepest mourning of all. 94 THE ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING. That old-fashioned material Bombazine is now no longer heard of. Paramatta is in the most general use for widows. Barathea is also worn, but the first-named is the most frequently used for the first dresses; but whatever the material, it is hidden by crape. The skirt, which is generally cut quite plain, and slightly trained, is completely covered with, crape, put on quite plainly in one piece ; ^:he body and sleeves are also hidden with crape — the dress, in fact, presenting the appearance of one of crape. -The body can be cut either en princesse, or have a "deep jacket bodice; but whichever is preferred, crape should cover it completely. The best and most economical crape for all wear is the Rainproof Crape, an improvement and development of the Albert Crape, which is now brought to the greatest perfection of manufacture ; it costs about half what ordinary crape does, to begin with, and is very much more durable ; its imperviousness to weather being, of course, its great feature. The best make of this is quite suitable for widows' mourning. Its appearance equals that of much more expensive ordinary crape. I see no reason myself why, especially if economy be an object, the Rainproof Crape should not be worn for all degrees of mourning. I have no hesi- tation in advising it. For a second dress it would be a good plan to have some half-worn black dress entirely covered with crape — the Rainproof Crape — this would save the better dress a little ; and as widows' first mourning is worn for a year and a widows' mourning. 95 day, it would be advisable to start with at least two dresses ; the crape on them could be renewed when necessary. Widows' mantles are either made of silk or Paramatta, trimmed deeply with crape, or some- times of Cyprus Crape Cloth, or cloth crape trimmed. The Cyprus Crape Cloth is a sort, of crSpe material, and wears well, neither dust nor wet affecting it. In shape, the widow's mantle is a dolman, or long cape of good size ; this for elderly widows. For those younger, jackets or paletots, crape-trimmed of course, are worn for winter wear, and for summer mantles made en- tirely of crape. The bonnet is for first mourning all of crape, with widow's cap tacked inside it, the small, close-fitting shape, with long crape veil hanging at the back ; besides this veil, a shorter one is worn over the face. Hats cannot be worn by widows, however young they niight be, during the period of their deepest mourning. The following list would be ample for a widow's outfit. I have give rather a large one because, of course, it can be curtailed as wished. One best dress of Paramatta covered entirely with crape. One dress, either a costume of Cyprus Crape, or an old black dress covered with Rainproof Crape. One Paramatta mantle lined with silk, and deeply trimmed with crape. One warmer jacket of cloth lined, trimmed with crape. 96 THE ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING. One bonnet of best silk crape, with long veil. One bonnet of Rainproof Crape, with crape veil. Twelve collars and cuffs of muslin or lawn, with deep hems ; the price of lawn cuffs would be from 5s. to 6s. 6d. the set ; of muslin from 2s. to 2s. 6d. the set. Several sets must be provided, say six of each kind. One black stuff petticoat. Four pairs of black hose, either silk, cashmere, or spun silk. Twelve handkerchiefs with black borders, for ordinary use, cambric. Twelve of finer cambric for better occasions. Caps either of lisse, tulle, or tarlatan, shape depending very much on the age ; young widows wear chiefly the Marie Stuart shape, but all widows' caps have long streamers. They vary, of course, in price, the lisse being from los. 6d. to I2S. 6d. ; tulle from 6s. 6d. to 8s. 6d. ; tarlatan from 3s. 6d. to 5s. 6d. These last are the easiest made at home, but I do not fancy home-made widows' caps are an economy, they soil so much more quickly than bought caps. It is a good plan to buy extra streamers and bows for them ; these can be made at home for the morning caps, very fine thread and needles being used for the work, which should be very fine, neat, and even. If in summer a parasol should be required, it should be of silk, deeply trimmed with crape, almost' covered with it, but no lace, or fringe for the first year. Afterwards mourning fringe might be put on. A widows' mourning. 97 muff, if required, would be made of Paramatta, and trimmed with crape. The first mourning is worn for twelve months. Second mourning twelve months also ; the cap in second mourning is left off, and the crape no longer covers the dresses, but is put on in tucks. Elderly widows frequently remain in moui-ning for long periods, if not for the remainder of their lives, retaining the widow's cap, collar, and cuffs, but leaving off the deep crape the second yea--, and afterwards entirely discarding crape, but wearing mourning materials such as Victoria cords, Janus cords, cashmere, and so on. No ornaments are worn in such deep mourning, except jet, for the first year. Jet is, of course, allowable. Rich silk is, of course, admissible in widows' mourning, especially for evening wear, but it must always be deeply trimmed with crape for the first year, and the quantity afterwards gradually lessened. A silk costume is a very ex- pensive item in a widow's mourning, therefore I only allude to it, do not set it down as a necessity. The best silks for the purpose are rich heavy silks, such as Grosgrain, Drap du Nord, Satin Mer- veilleux. Furs are not admissible in widows' first mourning, though very dark sealskin and astrachan can be worn when the dress is changed. In othor mournings, furs are now very generally worn, that is, after the first few months, but only dark furs. Widows' Lingerie, to be always nice, entails a considerable amount of expense. If collars, cuffs, 8 gS THE ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING. and caps are made at home, as I before said, they get soiled directly ; as however it is not always possible to buy them when they require renewing, the following directions, which I saw in a contem- porary, may prove of use : — " Widows' Cuffs, made in tarlatan, should be about nine inches long, according to the size of the wrist. They are not intended to overlap, but just to meet, fastening with two buttons and loops, placed near the upper and lower edges. The ordinary depth is five inches, with a wide hem at the top and bottom, of an inch and a half depth. The material being merely a straight piece they are easy to make. For the collar, the straight all- round shape turning down over the collar of the dress is the most usual. If any other shape is re- quired, cut it in paper, and make it accordingly with the wide hem of one and-a-half inch. If the collar is straight, it will be merely necessary to turn it down ; if .rounded at all, it must be cut to the shape, run to the collar at the edge, and then turned down. Fine cotton and needles and neat work are required." If an attempt is made to make widows' caps at home, first procure a good cap for 'a model, and copy it as exactly as possible. It must be made on a " dolly " or wooden block of a head, or it will never sit well. To preserve widows' caps clean, fresh-looking, and of a good colour when not in use, they should be put on cap-holders, on a shelf in a cupboard, DURATION OF MOURNING. 99 the long streamers turned up over the, cap, and a piece of blue ' paper (thin) laid over them ; so treated, they will with care last a long while, that is if there are two or three worn in turn, and they are put away in this manner when not in actual use. It may be as well to sum up what I have said. Dui-ation of mourning. Widow's first mourning lasts for a year and a day. Second mourning cap left off, less crape and silk for nine months (some curtail it to six), remaining three months of second year plain black without crape, and jet ornaments. At the end of the second year, the mourning can be put off entirely ; but it is better taste to wear half- mourning for at least six months longer ; and, as I have before mentioned, many widows never wear colours any more unless for some solitary event, such as the wedding of a child, when they would probably put it off for the day. Materials : — Dresses and Mantles. — Paramatta, Barathea, Silk trimmed. with silk, Albert or Rainproof Crape. Bonnets and Veils. — Crape. Caps.— Lisse, Tulle, Tarlatan. Collars and Cuffs. — Lawn and Muslin. Petticoats. — Black stuff, or silk-quilted. Pocket Handkerchiefs. — Cambric, black borders. Hose. — Black Balbriggan, Cashmere, or Silk. Gloves. — Black kid. The mourning for pai'ents ranks next to that of widows; for children by their parents, and for 100 THE ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING. parents by their children, these being of course identical in degree. It lasts in either case twelve months — six months in crape trimmings, three in plain black, and three in half mourning ; it is how- ever better taste to continue the plain black to the end of the year, and wear half-mourning for three months longer. Materials for first six months, either Paramatta, Barathea, or any of the black corded stuffs, such as Janus cord, which is about 3s. 6d. per yard, and thirty-eight inches wide ; Henrietta cord about same price and width. Such dresses would be trimmed with two deep tucks of crape, either Albert or Rainproof, would be made plainly, the body trimmed with crape, and sleeves with deep crape cuffs. Collars and cuffs to be worn during the first mourning would be made of muslin or lawn, with three or four tiny tucks in distinction to widows' with the wide deep hem. Pocket handkerchiefs would be bordered - with black ; black hose, silk or Balbriggan, would be worn, and black kid gloves. For out-door wear, either a dolman mantle would be worn, or a paletot, either of silk or Paramatta, but in either case trimmed with crape. Crape bonnets or hats; if for young children all crape for bonnets, hats silk and crape ; feathers (black) could be worn, and a jet clasp or arrow in the bonnet, but no other kind of jewellery is admissible but jet — that is, as long as crape is worn. Black furs, such as astrachan, may be worn, or very dark sealskin, or black seal- skin cloth now so fashionable, but no light furs of MOURNING FOR ^PARENTS. lOI any sort. Silk dresses can be worn, crape trimmed after the three first months if preferred, and if, ex- pense be no object ; the lawn-tucked collars and cuffs would be worn with them. At the end of the six months crape can be put aside, and plain black, such as cashmere, worn, trimmed with silk if liked, but not satin, for that is not a mourning material, and is thei-efore never worn by those who strictly attend to mourning etiquette. With plain black, black gloves and hose would of course be worn, and jet, no gold or silver jewellery for at least nine months after the commencement of mourning; then, if the time expires in the twelve months, grey gloves might be worn, and grey ribbons, lace or plain linen collar and cuffs take the place of the lawn or muslin, and grey feathers might lighten the hat or bonnet, or revei'sible black and grey strings." Many persons think it is in better taste not to commence half-mourning until after the expiration of a year, except in the case of young children, who are rarely kept in mourning beyond the twelve months. A wife would wear just the same mourning for her husband's relations as for her own ; thus, if her husband's mother died, she would wear mourn- ing as deep as if for her own mother. For Grandparents, the first mourning (crape) is worn for three months ; second mourning, black, without crape, also worn for three months ; and half-mourning for three more, or nine months in 102 THE ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING. all. The same materials are worn, Paramatta, Barathea, various cords with crape and cashmere, and merino when the crape is left off. For Sisters or Brothers, six months' mourning is usually worn. Crape for three, plain black for two, and half-mourning for one month; the same sort of stuffs, the crape being put on in one deep tuck and two narrow tucks; bodice, crape trimmed; mantle or dolman, crape trimmed ; bonnet of crape with feathers or jet, hat of silk and crape. Veil of hat with crape tuck, hose black silk, Balbriggan or cashmere, handkerchiefs black bordered. Silks can be worn after the first month if trimmed with crape. For Uncles, Aunts, Nephews, or Nieces, crape is not worn, but plain black, with jet for three months. For Great Uncles or Aunts, mourning would last two months without crape. For Cousins (first), six weeks are considered sufficient, three of which would be in half-mourning. For Cousins less closely related, mourning is hardly ever put on unless they have been inmates of the house. No invitations would be accepted before the funeral of any relatives closely enough related to j'ou to put on mourning for. In the case of brothers, sisters, parents, and grandparents, society would be given up fof at least three months, if not more, and it would be very bad taste to go to a ball or large festive gathering in crape. Widows do not enter society for at least a year — that is, during Letters of condolence. 103 the period of their deepest mourning. With regard to complimentary mourning — as worn by mothers for the mother or father-in-law of their married children, black would be worn for six weeks or so without crape ; by second wives for the parents of the first wife, for about three weeks, and in a few other cases. It is better taste to wear mourning in making the first call after a bereavement on friends, but this is not a decided rule, only a graceful method of implying sympathy with those who are suffering affliction. But calls are not made until the cards with " thanks for kind inquiries " have been sent in return for the cards left at the time of the decease. Letters of condolence should always be written on slightly black-edged paper, and it would be kind to intimate in the letter that no answer to it will be expected. Few realize the effort it is to those left to sit down and write answers to inquiries; and letters, however kind and sympathising they may have been. Servants' Mourning. — Servants are not usually . put into mourning except for the members of the household in which they are living, not for the relatives of their masters and mistresses, and very frequently only for the heads of the house, not for the junior members. A best dress of Victoria cord or alpaca, two cotton dresses, black for morning wear while at work. A cloth jacket, in case of master or mistress, with a slight crape trimming, a silk, and crape 104 ^'I^Ii ETIQUETTE Ot MOURNING. bonnet, pair of black kid gloves, and some yards of black cap ribbon, would be the mourning given to the servants in the house at the time of the death of one of the heads of the establishment, and their mourning would be worn for at least six months, or even a year in some cases. The following is a list of suitable materials for mourning of those relationships I have named, all of which can be obtained at any good mourning establishment. Silk Crape, Paramatta, Albert Crape, Barathea, Rainproof Crape, Silk, Cyprus Crape. Janus Cord, from 3s. 6d. per yard ; Victoria Cord, is. to 2s. 6d. per yard; Balmoral Cloth, is. 6d. to 2s. gd. per yard ; Cashmere Fran9ais", 2s. 6d. to 8s. per yard ; Kashgar Cashmere, 5s. gd. to los. 6d. per yard ; these last are wide materials from 44 to 47 inches. Crape Cloth, from is. 6d. per yard looks precisely like crape, but is much lighter and cooler. For summer wear Drap d'ete, a mixture of silk and wool is suitable r Barege for dinner dresses ; Nun's veil cloth, etc., etc. The best all-black washing materials are cotton, satine, foulardine ; black and white for slighter mourning, black with tiny white spots or sprigs. Children should be dressed in these black wash- ing materials — that is, for summer wear, in pre- ference to the thicker materials, as for young children, crape is soon dispensed with. Neither velvet, satin, nor plush can be worn in mourning- - that is, in strict mourning — for they are not btlYING MOURMING. 105 mourning materials. Attempts have been made to bring in some colours, such as red or violet, and consider them suitable to slight mourning ; bu]t the only colour really admissible for half-mourning is grey, or the palest laveftder, grey gloves sewn with black, grey and black reversible ribbons, grey and black feathers, grey flowers mixed with black, and so on. In all cases of mourning it is the best plan to write to some well-known house for patterns ; good mourning establishments can afford to sell better materials at cheaper rates than small inferior houses. Large firms have always a good choice of materials for mourning on hand ; and it is really, far greater economy to buy good materials when going into mourning, than cheap flimsy stuffs, which give no wear at all; besides, such houses send out books of fashions and prices for making up mourning costumes, which ^ive a good idea of the expense to be incurred, even if it is not found cheaper to purchase and have mourning made up by them. Mourning has generally to be purchased hur- riedly, and too often a dressmaker gets carte blanche almost to furnish the mourning. If such is the case, no wonder mourning is considered expensive ; for things which are quite unnecessary, such as expensive crape in the place of rainproof kinds, more crape used than the degree of mourning requires, and many extravagancies of a like nature, naturally swell such a bill into one of large pro- Io5 THE ETIQUETTE OP MOURNING, portions, when by a little forethought the ne- cessary black could have been purchased at a far more reasonable rate. It is not necessary to have very expensive mourning if our means will not allow it ; we should learn to suit our requirements to the state of our purses. But we sincerely trust the old custom of wearing decent mourning for those taken away from us, will never be really discontinued in England, for it is one of those proofs of our home affections which can never be done away with without a loss of national respect. INVITATIONS. Wording of Invitations ; Cards oh Notkpaper ; Invitations FOR Balls ; R.S.V.P. ; Receptions ; Luncheon Parties. Invitations being the preliminary, are a very necessary portion indeed of the art of entertain- ing, and their proper wording and arrangement form a tolerably correct index of the knowledge of the world of those who send them. Formal in- vitations are generally conveyed by printed cards, which custom saves an infinity of both time and trDublc. For dinners these are worded as fol- lows : — Ml', and Mis. White request the honour of Company at Dinner, on , the ' th of , at — o'' clock. The address should be in the lower left-hand corner of the card, and the words, "The favour of an answer is requested," in the right-hand corner. I08 li^VITATIONS. No crest or monogram should ever be placed upon a card. The names of the guests should be written formally — that is, following the form on the visiting card. Thus, in inviting, for in- stance, " Viscount and Viscountess A.," their names would be so written, instead of Lord and Lady A., as would be the case in an informal note, commencing, " Dear Lady A., — Will you and Lord A. give us the pleasure ? " Some people prefer dinner invitations printed on notepaper, in which case the form of words is identical with that used on a card. In any case, an invitation to dinner should always be enclosed in an envelope, even if left by a servant; thus differing from cards for other entertainments, which are generally delivered without envelopes, unless sent by post, and have the address at which they are to be left — as,- "loo, Grosvenor Square" — written at the back. Such cards are different from dinner invitations ; they have printed, under the name of the hostess only, the words "At home." The date is either printed or written below this, the address in the left-hand corner ; and in the right-hand corner the form of enter- tainment either written or printed, the latter being the more convenient. If the party be merely an ordinary reception, this corner is very frequently left blank ; if Anything is inserted it is merely the hour, as " 10.30." If the party is not a large one, it is usual to put in this corner, " Small and early." This is for the convenience INVITATION CARDS. lOQ of the guests, in order that those who have several engagements may not leave this party to the last, and arrive to find the rooms empty. If the entertainment is a musical one, " Music, 10.30," is printed in the corner; or else "Amateur music," " Glees," " Mr. Corney Grain," " Come- dies Fran9aises," or any other form of amusement which may be provided. If the entertainment is a theatrical one, and the hour is specified, it is a matter of simple courtesy for the guests to arrive at the time appointed, as it is most annoying for the artistes, whether amateur or professional, to be interrupted by the noise inseparable from their entrance. When the invitation is for a ball, " Dancing" is put in the corner of the card and no time is named, it being understood that in London guests will arrive between eleven and twelve, and in the country between ten and eleven. Formerly ball cards bore all kinds of different descriptions in the corner, such as " Th6 dansant," " Soir6e dansante," etc. ; but all these have now been abandoned in favour of the single word, " Danc- ing." A hove the hostess's name is a space where the guests' names are written. There should be space for two lines of writing — the father's and mother's first, the daughters' below: thus, "Sir Charles and Lady Brown" on the first line, "The Misses Brown " on the second. It should be remembered that " Honble." is a word that never, under any circumstances whatsoever, ought no INVITATIONS. to appear upon a card, whether visiting or invitar tion : the Honble. Mrs. Green appears simply as "Mrs. Green" on her visiting card or in an invitation, though the envelope which encloses the card is addressed to the " Honble. Mrs. Green." We specially allude to this, as it is a mis- take very frequently made, and one which shows most clearly ignorance of social proprieties. When invitation cards are sent without the letters " R.S.V.P." upon them, it is unnecessary to reply, unless the recipient is quite certain that it will not be in his or her power to attend, in which case it is courteous to answer at once, stating the fact. Rooms will only hold a certain number of people, and a hostess naturally wishes to have some idea of the approximate numbers she may expect. The names of the daughters are, as we have already said, written on the same invitation card as those of their father and mother; but if the sons are invited, each- of them should i-eceive a separate card, Also if, as is sometimes, though very rarely, the case, a son and daughter are invited to dine out at the same time as their father and mother, the daughter's name is in- cluded in the parental invitation — " Mr. and Mrs. Grey and Miss Grey's company " — but the son receives a separate card. When an invitation to any reception mentions "The Misses Brown," it is- always understood that, however many sisters there may be "out," only two are to avail themseJves of it. INVITATION CARDS. Ill When invitations to a ball, concert, or similar festivity are Jssued in the country, it is usual to put at the top, " Sir Charles and Lady Brown and party." It is then not necessary to mention the daughters or to send separate cards to the sons, as the word "party" includes them as well as any friends who may be staying with them. It is of course necessary that Lady Brown should, a few days before the entertainment, inform her hostess of how many the party will consist, and it -is also advisable to mention them by name. Informal notes are rarely used for receptions or any similar entertainments, but for dinners they are not uncommon between intimate friends. It is also customary to make use of such notes when the invitation to dinner is a short one — any time under a week. When luncheon parties are given, the invitations are invariably conveyed in informal notes, as are any other invitations for festivities of a friendly and impromptu character. Cards for garden parties are of the same size as, and worded in a similar manner to, other reception cards, only that in the line under the date is printed the hour — " 4 to 7," or whatever other time may be decided upon. In the right hand corner is printed, " Garden party," and frequently below, these words — " Weather permitting; " which implies that guests are not expected to present themselves on ,a \yet day, when a party in a garden is an impossibility,' 4nd the house would be quite incapable of con- 113 INVITATIONS. taining the number asked to wander in the grounds. In the left-hand corner, under the address, there is frequently some direction as to the best method of reaching the spot. If the party is in the out- skirts of London, the right bridge to cross, and very frequently which turning should be taken at some perplexing point, are indicated, the nearest station being also named. In the country the arrival and departure of the most convenient trains are mentioned; and if, as is sometimes the case, a special train is provided, the time of its arrival and departure is clearly set forth. Afternoon reception cards were formerly much smaller than those used for evening entertainments ; but it is found so much more convenient to have only one sort, that they are now frequently sent on the larger ones, " 4 to 7 " being printed or written in the corner of the card, together with the entertainment, if any, which is provided. For small afternoon parties, however, the lady's visiting card, with " At home 4 to 7 " written on it, is very often judged sufficient. As we have said, cards, other than dinner invitations, are more fre- quently delivered without envelopes, with merely the house where they are to be left written at the back. There is, however, no rule of etiquette about this : if it is preferred to enclose them in envelopes, it is quite correct to do so. Formerly a notion prevailed that it was incorrect to send any formal card of invitation or its answer, by post, but this idea is now quite iNVitAtidN Booi-c^. 1 13 exploded, and the post is as frequent a medium of circulating invitations as any other. We need scarcely say that in this case cards must be en- closed in envelopes, or that a fancy which possesses some persons that invitations may be sent on post- cai'ds is entirely erroneous. The old proverb, that , ''what is worth doing at all is worth doing well," is always worthy of remembrance, and it applies verj' pai'ticularly to the business of writing invita- tions. It is a fatal mistake to attempt what some ladies boast of doing— to write the cards for a large party from memory, without a list. The result is tolerably certain to be that several friends are omitted, and it is a poor compliment to them to hear afterwards that the hostess is " so sorry, but they completely escaped her memory." Of course this does not apply to a dinner party : the numbers are small, and there is no difficulty about the matter, but in a large reception care is requisite. Most people who entertain often have an " in- vitation book," separate from their visiting one, as there are naturally many persons in the latter who do not go out, or whom they may not care to know more intimately than is involved by the mere exchange of cards. If such an invitation book is kept, all that is requisite is to follow its columns accurately, pausing at the end of each page to verify the cards written, and to be sure that no names have been accidentally omitted. If an invitation book is not kept, it is easy to make out a rough list from the \^isiting book and 9 ll-i- INVITATIONSi write from that, verifying the cards in the same manner. There are three matters in which invitation writers cannot be too particular, and which are n- greeted with lamentable frequency. First-, they are not sufficiently careful in spelling their friends' names, and as it is a matter on which almost every one is tenacious, much annoyance is the result. The fault is very often committed in the first instance, when copying the names from the visiting .cards into the book ; but whenever it occurs it is both careless and ill-bred. Secondly, ladies are often terribly careless in directing cards. They think the number is twenty, and will not take the trouble to verify the fact ; so the card lies at twenty, and the intended recipient, who lives at forty, is irrevocably offended at not having been invited. Thirdly, it seems to be almost a point of competition to see who can write most illegibl}'. People seem to fancy that it is a sign of being very busy, oblivious of the fact that people who have really anything to do are well aware of the saving of both time and trouble effected by doing it w^ll. It is not in the power of every one to write an elegant or pretty hand, though with care much may be done in the direction ; but every one by taking trouble can write distinctly, and it is a positive impertinence to give acquaintances the annoyance of deciphering a scrawl as puzzling as an Egyptian hieroglyphic. PRECEDENCE. Precedence of Ladies ; Peers and Peeresses ; Privy Coun- cillors ; Dukes and Duchesses ; Daughters of Dukes, Mar- quises, AND Earls ; Military, Naval, Legal, and Clerical Rank. The proper arrangement of the precedence of guests is a matter very important to all ■ hostesses, as there are few points on which people are gener- ally so tenacious as heing accorded their due position. As a first principle we may remark that in society the precedence of ladies is more import- ant than that of gentlemen ; by which we mean that if at a dinner party it is impossible to send both ladies and gentlemen down in due order of precedence without sending a husband or wife together, or otherwise pairing them undesirably, it is the ladies' order of precedence that must be strictly adhered to, the gentlemen's being altered to suit the circumstances; it being always remem- bered that such alteration must not affect the fact that the gentleman of highest rank must take the hostess. Another rule, and one which seems to be very imperfectly understood^ is the following : " Married ladies and widows are entitled to the same rank amongst each other as their husbands Il6 PRECEDENCE. would respectively have borne between themselves, provided such rank arises from a dignity, and not from an office or profession. It should be clearly under- stood that by rank through dignity alone, and not by profession or office, is precedence conferred upon a lady." For this clear utterance on the subject we are indebted to Sir Bernard Burke, Ulster King-at- Arms, and the greatest authority extant on the subject of precedence. As an example of what is meant : the Archbishop of Canterbury takes prs- cedence of all peers, save dukes of the Blood Royal, but his wife has no special place in the scale, and a baronet's wife or daughter would take precedence of her. Similarly the ■ Lord Chancellor is the second peer of the realm, but his wife as a peeress (the Lord Chancellor is invariably created a peer) has merely the precedence of the date of her husband's creation. Also privy councillors, who are entitled to the prefix of Right Honourable, take rank before the younger sons of viscounts, but their wives are not styled Right Honourable, neither have they any special precedence. Like- wise judges have a special precedence, taking rank immediately after the younger sons of earls and the elder sons of barons, according to the courts wherein they preside, and the dates of their crea- tions. Military and naval men (who in the absence of any social rank are simply esquires) have various degrees of precedence among themselves, but all these ranks proceeding from an office or profession Rules of r-REQEDENCE. 117 do not confer any precedence whatsoever upon- their wives or children. Bishops, too, who as spiritual peers take rank immediately after the younger sons of marquises in order of consecration (with the exception of the Bishops of London, Durham, and Winchester, who in this order take precedence of the re'3t),,give no rank whatever to their wives. Naturally in a party where there is no one with any claim to precedence, all the ladies being the wives of esquites, and possessing no rank of their own, the wife of a bishop, or of a privy councillor would have a claim to precedence; but the daughter of a baronet, or even a knight, would take precedence of her. When a judge is kniglited his wife obtains precedence, not as the wife of a judge, which is an office, but as wife of a knight, which is a dignity : she takes rank imme- diately after the wives of knights of the military orders, which rank as follows : The Bath, the Star of India, and St. Michael and St. George. In these orders the wives of Knights Grand Ci"oss (K.G.C.B., K.G.C., S.I., etc.) take precedence of the wives, of Knights Commanders (K.C;B., K.C.S.I.). The only lawyers whose rank is a dignity, not an office, whose wives are consequently entitled to precedence — taking rank immediately after the wives of knights — are serjeants-at-law, by virtue of a statute of King Edward VI. Among peers or peeresses of the same rank, precedence depends on the date of creation. Thus an earl whose patent dates from 1760 takes pre-? Il8 PRECEDENCE. cedence of an earl whose patent is dated 1761. This rule governs all ranks of the peerage, and also baronets and knights. The inexperienced must be careful not to confound courtesy titles with real peerages. The eldest sons of dukes, marquises, and earls are always called by one of their father's other titles Thus the eldest son of the Duke of Athole is Marquis of Tullibardine ; of the Duke of Buccleuch, Earl of Dalkeith ; of the Marquis of Conyngham, Earl of Mount Charles; of the Marquis of Exeter, Lord Burghley ; of the Earl of Courtown, Viscount Stopford ; of the Earl of Clanwilliam, Lord Gilford. These are what are termed " courtesy titles," and their bearers take rank not as marquises, earls, viscounts, or lords, but as the eldest sons of dukes, marquises, and earls. The eldest son of a duke takes rank after marquises and before earls ; the eldest son of a marquis after the younger sons of dukes of the Blood* Royal, and before the younger sons of dukes and before viscounts ; the eldest sons of an earl after viscounts and before the younger sons of marquises and bishops; the eldest son of a vis- count, who has no courtesy title, but is styled Honourable, after barons', and before earls' younger sons ; the eldest son of a baron, also styled Honour- able, after earls' younger sons and before privy councillors and judges. The precedence of the wives is, of course, the same as that of their husbands. The younger sons of dukes and mar- quises are lords : Lord Glaud H^imilton, son of the COURTESY TITLES. II() Duke of Abercorn ; Lord Albert Seymour, son of the Marquis of Hertford. It is a common error among those not an, fait in the matter to omit the Christian name, and say Lord Hamilton, but nothing can show greater ignorance. " Lord Hamilton " would imply either that the person addressed was a peer or the bearer of a courtesy title ; " Lord Claud" expresses clearly the younger' son. The younger sons of dukes take rank after the eldest sons of marquises, and before viscounts ; the eldest sons of marquises after those of earls and before bishops ; the eldest sons of earls after those of viscounts and barons ; the eldest sons of viscounts after privy councillors and judges, and before the younger sons of barons; while the eldest sons of barons take rank after those of viscounts and before baronets. Baronets take rank in order of their creation, and after them follow knights according, to their orders; serjeants-at-law, masters in chancery or lunacy, companions of the several orders of knighthood ; eldest sons of the younger sons of peers, baronets' eldest sons, eldest sons of knights according to their orders, baronets' younger sons (their wives following strictly the same precedence), esquires. The daughters of a house almost always enjoy the same rank as their eldest brother, and follow immediately after his wife. Daughters of dukes, marquises, and earls, are styled ladies: Lady Georgiana Hamilton, Lady Elizabeth Campbell. It is a terrible solecism to omit the Clu-iiLi-in 150 PRECEDENCE. name, and say Lady Hamilton or Lady Campbell, but it is one frequently committed, though "Lady Campbell " would naturally imply the wife of either a peer or a baronet. It is a very common saying that a lady can never lose rank, but this is not strictly the case. Thus, the daughter of a duke takes precedence of a countess ; but if she marry a viscount or a baron" she takes, her husband's rank, and the countess takes precedence of her. She only keeps her precedence by marry- ing ^osjiz'ye rank; thus, the daughter of a duke marrying the eldest son of a marquis or of an earl retains her own rank, and instead of being Vis- count and Vicountess A,, they are styled Vicount and Lady Mary A. When, however, her husband succeeds to his father's title and becomes a peer, she takes his rank and loses her precedence of birth. If, however, the lady is of the same rank, she takes the courtesy title, as in the case of a duke's daughter marrying a duke's eldest son, or a marquis's daughter marrying a marquis's eldest son. Of course, a peer's daughter marrying either a baronet or an esquire, always retains her own rank; an earl's daughter married to an esquire takes precedence of a baroness, but her children derive no precedence from it, unless in the rare instance of her being a peeress in her own right; for, as a rule, dignities descend only in the male line. The method of addressing a letter to a " lady in her own right, "as the daughters of the three highest ranks of the peerage are termed, is ladies' titles. 121 " The Lfidy Mary Jones," " The" being placed on a line above the name. The daughters of viscounts and barons are Honourables ; if married, letters are addressed to them, " Honble. Mrs. ^Vhite," " Honble." being on a line above ; and if un- married, " Honble. Mary Green," " Honble. Georgiana Brown." In commencing a letter, they are styled, "Dear Lady Mary," not "Lady Mary Jones." The wife of a baronet or of a knight is styled -" Lady," like the wife of a baron ; but in addressing a letter to the latter, it is necessary to put "The Lady A.," while the prefix "The" is not used for the wife of a baronet or knight. A peer's daughter married to a baronet or knight is " Lady Jane Black," or. the " Honble. Mrs. Black." When a gentleman is created a peer, his children become Honourables, but it in no way affects the denomination or the precedence of his brothers and sisters, the patent making no mention of them, but only of his own heirs male. When, however, a peer's (let us say a marquis's) eldest son, who is married. and has children, dies before his father — when the marquis dies, and his grand- son succeeds to the title, the young peer's sisters and younger brothers are accorded the rank of the sons and -daughters of a marquis, which would have naturally been theirs had their father lived to succeed in due course, but his mother retains simply her husband's courtesy title. This case applies to all peers; the rule is not extended to 122 PRECEDENCE. baronets. A peeress is styled Dowager when her son is the actual peer and is married. It is only the mother of the actual peer who is simply Duchess or Marchioness Dowager ; if she be his grandmother — that is, if there are three peeresses of the title— she would be styled " Emily, Duchess Dowager," "Jane, Viscountess Dowager," "Louisa, Dowager Lady A," If, however, the peer who succeeds her husband is not her son, but some other relative of the late peer, she is styled " Mary, Marchioness of B.," " Katherine, Countess of 0." In addressing gentlemen who are sons of peers, it should be remembered that if in the army or navy the official title precedes the dignity ; thus, " Cap- tain Lord G.," " Colonel the Honble. John T. ;" but if they are in the Church the case is reversed r " The Honble. and Rev. Oscar H." There is a strange belief entertained by some persons that in his own parish a clergyman is entitled to take precedence of any one, no matter how much above him in the social scale. We need hardly say that this is a misapprehension. A clergyman can claim no precedence whatever as such. In cases where all the company are on a level, any distinction, no matter how slight and unimportant, is gladly seized upon, but the smallest shadow of social rank is suiBcient to extinguish any such pretensions. In a cathedral town, where society is almost exclusively clerical, of course all the distinctions of clerical rank are minutely observed ; and so in military, naval, and NAVAL AMD MILITARY PRECEDENCE. 133 legal circles, the various professions have a dis- tinct precedence amongst each othei', which it sometimes pleases them to extend to their wives, though these ladies have no claim to it. However, in general society, should there be absolutely no precedence due to any of the ladies, it would, as some one must go first, be natural to give the precedence to the wife of a general, admiral, or Q.C. who might be present. It should be under- stood that age has nothing to do with precedence, and that a young unmarried lady would tfike pre- cedence of a married one of inferior rank. The arrangement of precedence between offtcers of the army and navy is ^ ery intricate. A naval post-captain ranks with a colonel in the army, but when he has served as post-captain for three years he ranks with a major-general. Naval precedence recognises admirals, vice and rear admirals, post-captains, commanders, lieutenants. Military precedence has generals, lieutenant- generals, major-generals, colonels, lieutenant- colonels, majors, captains, lieutenants. When an ambassador is present, he takes precedence of all peers, being regarded as the representative of his sovereign. His wife enjoys the same pre- cedence ; but should he be a widower, with a daughter doing the honours of his house, she is not entitled to the rank of an ambassadress, but would rank with an English countess. It is impossible to give any precise set of rules that will- obviate doubt in every case, as special circum- 124 PRECEDENCE. stances have tobe taken into account — the greatest difficulty occurring where there is positively no rank ; for where there is, the rules are clear and definite, and have only to be implicitly followed. The only guide in the former case is that afforded by good sense' and good tast.e. Where these ai'e conspicuous in a hostess, her guests will not be on the look-out for causes of offence, knowing, as the old phrase has it, that " none is meant," and a little care and forethought on the matter will generally obviate any difficulty that may arise from the question of precedence in the middle classes. DINNER-GIVERS. True Hospitality ; Nujicee of Guests ; Over ELAr,oi;ATio>f ; Bad Taste of Excuses ; Style and Arrangement of the Room ; Temteeatuue ; Size and Shape of Dinner-table ; Waiting ; The Sideboard ; Order of, Wlncs. An eminent gastronomist has said : " To inyite a person to your house is to take charge of his happiness as long as he is beneath your roof, " and some small minority of dinner-givers not only realise the truth of the sa5dng, but carry out its behests with perfect success. It must be confessed, however, that though dinners are the most popular form of entertainment in Great Britain, they are, as a general rule, far from festive occasions. We are said, as a nation, to take our pleasures sadly ; and we certainly have very frequently every excuse for sadness when we ai^e guests at a dinner party. After a few. moments of jerky conversation in the drawing-room, the guest is paired off with some one whom perhaps he has never seen before ; and when the party has settled down into its pi-e- arranged place, he finds himself in a kind of isolation with this perfect stranger, for there is a rampart of flowers directly before him, which effect- ually hides every individual at the' other side of I-i6 DINNER-GIVERS. the table, and the lady on his left has her attention monopolised by the gentleman who brought her down. There ai'e two hours before him wherein to enjoy this cheerful state of things ; to coin word- nothings with which to play at conversation with his charge, who is probably as bored as he ; and to combat as he may the depression engendered by the sombre style of furniture considered ap- propriate for dining-rooms in our country. This is the dark side of the picture, but un- fortunately the commonest. Now and then, however, one finds one self aguest at a really pleasant dinner party. The wines are perhaps no better than they are at other houses, yet the gentlemen all seem to be happy. The chef has proved himself an artist, but other people have artists in their kitchens; and yet their dining-rooms are never the scene of a pleasant dinner. The servants are quiet of foot and deft of hand; so were the servants at Dash Terrace last week, where we dragged through the courses, groaning inwardly. Where, then, lies the secret ? Ah, where ? Let us try and find out. First, then, the great source of failure lies in the fact that dinner parties are too often considered in the light of social debts, and so long as the hostess "pays off" the correct number cf creditors, she thinks but little of the happiness of those she assembles round her dinner table. Her sense of the fitness of things is partially clouded by her MISTAKES OF DINNER-GIVERS, Z.Z'J anxiety to get through her list of people she has dined, with, people she has called on and must ask to dinner, because they are connections of her own family or her husband, etc. Another great mistakeisto invitetoomanypeople. The olden rule and the golden was, " Never more than the Muses, or less than the Graces," and certainly a trio may make a most perfect dinner party. The Muses, however, give us an uneven number ; but we are at liberty to dispense with the ninth, and a party of eight — three at each side of the table — is quite tolerable, though not, to our thinking, so good as six. We have heard more than one hostess say : " I like to give a Jarge dinner party. The trouble is just the same for six as for twenty- four, and why should I have it all da capo three times, when I can manage it in one day ? " Well, those hostesses think much more of their own pleasure than that of their guests ; and what result can be expected ? Simply that which ensues : a dull evening, with a number of people furtively yawning and wishing for eleven o'clock. General conversation is impossible when there are twenty-four persons at table, and each is virtually dini-ngtete-d-tete with his neighbour, who very probably is not the person he would have chosen for a dinner-duet. A third and very great error is to give dinners so much beyond the usual daily course of things that the servants are driven out of their grooves, the mistress anxious and weary, and the host un- 128 DINNER-GIVERS. comfortable with a vague sense of fraud on his own part and fear of discovery. It is nothing better than a fraud to give such a dinner. It is acting up to an income and a style of hving that are not yours, and it is simply an injustice to your guests to invite them to a dinner so disproportioned to that of every day that failure threatens each dish ; an injustice to your servants to give them a task they can perform only by extremely hard work; audit is no less an injustice to yourself. Witness your weary face and languid manner, when you ought to be fresh and ready to attend to and amuse your guests. These are the three principal errors that prevail with regard to dinner-giving, and it is not difficult to avoid them. The lady who keeps a debit and credit account with the friends who ask her to dinner, may easily arrange, with a little care, that congenial people may meet at her " return " din- ners. The hostess who, instead of making " one trouble of it," now prefers to give four dinner parties, v.'ith six guests, to giving one with twenty- four, will soon find herself amply repaid by the popularity of her " little dinners " and the pleasant evenings she herself will spend. With twenty-six guests, the task of entertaining is simply drudgery. The hostess has no time to get into conversation with any single guest. Her attention is, as it were, divided into twenty-four portions. Those who give dinners beyond their means or which is quite, as bad — beyond the capacities of FURNITURE OF DINING-ROOMS. 129 their house and servants, sJ.ould remember that a dinner to be enjoyable n;ed not be elaborate. A few simple dishes, well cooked and daintily served, will well replace the ambitious menu that cost so much effort and anxiety. But, dear madam, above all things, your simple dishes must be unaccompanied by excuses. Unless some unexpected and unavoidable catastrophe occur, never apologise to your guests for the character or condition of the viands you set before them. Consider your guests before yourself, and reflect that though it may be a relief to you to let them know that you are not unaware of these defects, whatever they may be, yet by apologising for them you place those you address in a very awkward position. We are every one of us unconsciously affected, more or less, according to our different tempera- ments, by the style and arrangement of any room we enter. We do not always stop to inquire into the cause of a sudden sensation of pleasure or an equally sudden sense of depression, either of which may be caused by coming into a bright, pretty room, or a sombre, cheerless one. But whether we inquire into it or not the cause is still there, and the lesson to be learned from the fact is an important one to dinner-givers. In this brown and grey climate of ours we are too apt to make the insides of our houses rival the dinginess out- side, instead of contrasting with it. More espe- cially is this true of pur dining-rooms, which we 10 130 DINNER-GIVERS, hang with dark paper, and carpet and furnish in deep clarets or browns. The depth of our depres- sion in the dining-room may often be estimated by the feeling of relief we experience on emerging from its gloom and entering the light and pretty drawing-room. Our spirits rise like mercury on a hot day. It is a mistake to furnish the dining- room darkly. Has anybody ever heard a good reason for so doing? The furniture should be more substantial than drawing-room furniture, but it need not be less cheerful. There is no reason why the paper should not be such as will light up well, throw up the pictures in good relief, and make pretty women and handsome men look their best against its background. I have lately seen a dining-room papered with pink, of an old-English pattern, with a dado in crimson ; and the effect, as compared with the old-fashioned dark papers, is something to be noted. Again, many people banish white lace curtains from their dining-room even in summer, and persist in keeping up those of heavy, dark material all the year round. And why ? Because they cling to ancient traditions of dingy dining-rooms, which originated probably in the brain of some ascetic or anchorite, who thought it was sinful to eat, and would not let the daylight see him at his meals. The room should be well lighted, the chairs comfortable, and the~ temperature, according to a very great authority — Brillat Savarin — should be about sixty-eight de- grees. The latter is a very important point, for TEMPERATURE OF THE DINING-ROOM. I3I- hostesses are rather prone to have the temperature of the dining-room too low for comfort. They say, " The room gets very hot during- dinner; " and though this is true, yet it is a great mistake to sit down shivering. Ladies in light dresses, and gentlemen in thin coats, perhaps after a long drive in the cold, see the drawing-room fire for ten minutes, and are then ushered into a chill dining- room. When the room gets hot, their faces and hands get hot too, but the feet remain cold; and this is not a comfortable state of things, besides being bad for the digestion, and consequently injurious to the health. Table decoration has a chapter devoted to it elsewhere ; but it cannot be too strongly insisted upon that the ornaments — be they plants, epergms, or fountains — should not be of such a height as to intervene between the faces of those who sit oppo- site each other. This is an error so apparent that it is astonishing, that it has ever become so com- mon. It is, in fact, universal ; and the diner-out has learned to dread the sight of a plant in a pot, which pi'obably, according to the well-known contrariety of things, hides from him the very face that he would like be'^t to look at. An occasional glimpse of the lady's nose, chin, or ear, through, a leafy screen, however beautiful in itself, is too tantalising an occupation to be calculated to pro- mote digestion. • A very wide dinner-table is a foe to general conversation ; the guests are too far away from 133 DINNER-GIVERS. each other. The lady at the host's right hand and the man on the left of the hostess cannot exchange a word. The distance is too great, even if no intervening intrusive decoration do not im- pose an additional obstacle. An oval table is the ideal table for a dinner party ; there are no corners, so that every one at the table can see every one else without the slightest trouble. A round table is not. to be recommended, and indeed for personal comfort no shape is so convenient as the square. The round table recedes fi'om the diner at either hand in rather an uncomfortable way, but though the oval table does so also in a modified manner, yet general convenience is to be preferred to that of the individual when the matter is so trifling. The waiting at dinner is an important point. Well-tramed servants are noiseless, prompt, and on the watch to supply the wants of the guests almost before they become aware of them them- selves. ' If the dinner be quite a la Russe, a quick and skilful carver is necessary, and as this is an accomplishment in which women very rarely excel, a butler will be found indispensable. Many persons prefer women to men as attendants at table, but this, of course, depends in great mea- sure on the arrangements of the household. Two attendants can quite easily wait upon a party of eight, but an invisible coadjutor will be necessary to bring the hot dishes to the door. The mode usually adopted at present is a kind WAITING AT TABLE. I33 of compromise between the dinner a la Rtisse and our own former style of placing each dish upon the table, including vegetables. The following instructions may probably be found useful in families where this is the style adopted. We will suppose that one woman waits, and that there are soup, fish, joints, pudding, cheese, and dessert, for dinner. When dinner is an- nounced and all are seated, the waitress should stand at the head of the table, at the left-hand side, and remove the cover from the soup, hand- ing round a plate of soup to each person, begin- ning with the lady on the right. After that she must hand round the sherry. As each person finishes, the plate must be removed (with the spoon in it) and replaced by a clean one ; the soiled plates are put into the zinc-lined bucket, and the knives, forks, and spoons into a box similar to the bucket, with two compartments — one for knives, and the other for silver. The soup tureen must not be removed till all have finished. The fish, which should be brought to the door by the cook, as well as all other dishes, is then placed on the table. The waitress removes the cover and hands the plates round as the fish is put on them, taking in the left hand the sauce tureen to save time. After eveiy one is helped, she must take round the cruet and sauces, and hock, if used ; if not, sherry must be taken round again. She then proceeds to remove the plates. A waitress ought always to be on the look out to see who has 134 DINNER-GIVERS. finished, as a soiled plate ought never to be left on the table longer than can be avoided. Now CDmes the joint. After removing the cover, each one is helped as before, the waitress taking either a tureen with gravy, or a dish of potatoes in the left hand. She proceeds to hand round the veget- ables (which are not placed on the table, but on the sideboard), till all have been helped, after which the wines must be taken round again; soiled plates must again be removed ; and lastly the joint, before doing which, the waitress ought to bring her knife-box to the table, and carefully lift the carving-knife and fork and gravy-spoon off the dish, in case they should fall off in removing it. All noise or fuss is to be avoided, and everything done as quickly and quietly as possible. A waitress should keep a constant watch to see that no one is waiting for anything. The pudding is then placed on the table and served in the same way as the joint. The cheese follows. It is gene- rally put on the table, the person who is helping cutting. some in small pieces on a plate, which the \Vaitress hands round with biscuits, butter, celery, etc. After this course, everything is taken off the table except the dessert and flowers, and the side- cloths and all crumbs carefully removed. A dessert-plate and glasses are then put before each person, and the wine before the gentleman at the head of the table. The waitress should hand round two or three of the dessert dishes. The things on the sideboard ought then to be cleared SIDEBOARD, WAITER'S TRAY, ETC. I35 away, and platcrbucket, knife-box, and everything of that kind taken out of the room. Laying the sideboard is almost as important as the table. It should have a clean white cloth spread on it, and everything neatly arranged, such as cruet-stand, salver, plenty of knives, forks, and spoons, cheese-plates, dessert-plates, corkscrew, and everything that may be required during dinner. If beer, stout, or anything that is drunk out of a tumbler is handed round, the waitress should bring the salver in her left hand and stand at the person's left, holding the salver for the tumbler to be placed on it, and then pouring out the stout. A waiter's tray should be in the hall, outside the dining-room door, and all the dishes, when taken out of the room, should be placed on this, for the cook to carry them do\ynstairs. If pet animals are in the house, a neglect of this pre- caution will sometimes be attended by disagree- able results, as dogs and cats naturally imagine that whatever is placed within their reach is intended for their sole use, and, in the absence of the cook, they will immediately act upon the, supposition. "When two parlour-maids wait at table, each must be told off to her own side of the table. When the entrees are handed round, each of the attendants takes one, and having offered the dish to every person on her own side of the table, she exchanges the dish she holds for the other entree 136 DINNER-GIVSRS. which her fellow-servant has in the mean time been offering to the guests on her side, and takes it to those who have refused the first. Thus every one is waited upon without confusion and without any necessity for the two attendants to pass each other. Dinner served a la Rtisse is scarcely feasible in a household where the servants are not numerous and thoroughly well trained. When everything but dessert is dispensed from the sideboard, the attendants need to be even more active and prompt than when the dishes are carved at table : there is also rather more danger of their getting in the way of each other. On the other hand, the diner a la Russe affords immense advantages to the easy flow of conversation. The host is unencumbered by the necessity of carving. If he be unskilful, this is no slight immunity, especially as he must be aware that bad carving is one form of bad manners. If a diner a la Russe be impracticable, and the host deficient in the accomplishment of carving, he should take lessons from a competent instructor, or ever he venture on giving a dinner party. Otherwise he makes his wife as nervous as he is himself, and his consciousness of this increases his difficulties. As for the hostess, let her have no dish placed before her, the contents of which she is unable or unwilling to carve or dispense herself. It is most unfair to her neighbour to ask him to carve with the dish placed before him most inconveniently — ASKING GUESTS TO CARVE. I37 turned -towards him, it is true, but in an impromptu manner, and surrounded with all kinds of impedi- menta in the shape of spoons, glasses, cruets, etc. No guest should ever be asked to carve anything more difficult than a ham. If entrees are placed on the table instead of being handed round, the guest opposite whom they are placed may easily dispense them by means of a spoon and fork ; but the accomplishment of carving is now rapidly becoming so unnecessary, that it is unfair to pre- suppose proficiency in it on the part of one's guests. What more pitiable object can be imagined than a near-sighted individual struggling in the dissection of a pair of fowls of whose anatomy he is as ignorant as he is of that of a pterodactyl ? Very large chairs are not comfortable to diners. Ladies find it impossible to move them, and it is inconvenient to dine with two or three unnecessary inches between one's self and the table. Artistic furniture is no doubt charming, but the coup d'ceil of a dinner table at which the guests are all seated on high-backed, old-fashioned chairs of carved oak, is suggestive neither of comfort nor of enjoyment. We have dined at such a table, and though a background of dark oak is" most becoming to pretty women, the effect was gloomy, and the occupants of the splendid old chairs looked unnaturally stiff. A picture of a '.' Family at Dinner in the Olden Time," exhibited recently at the Royal Academy, will recur to the minds of some of our readers, and these will have no hesitation in agree- ing with our viev/ of the subject. 138 DINNER-GIVERS. A little revolution has taken place in the matter of wine of late years. Gentlemen of the old school still maintain that " a glass of port" — by which they mean a bottle at least — is the only proper thing to drink after dinner; but the present generation has developed, and is continuing to develop, 'a taste for claret. So much is this so that port is not always put on the dessert table now. The order of the wines used at dinner is as follows : Sherry is served with the- soup and fish, the servants carrying the decanter round, and asking each person if he or she wishes for it before he pours the wine into his glass, which he must not quite fill. With the entrees hock may be sent round in a similar way. With the substantial dishes the champagne goes the round of the table, but in the bottle, of course. The waiter holds a clean napkin round the neck of the bottle. In hot weather, ice is -handed round in a glass dish, with ice tongs. At dessert, port, sherry, claret, and Madeira are placed on the table. The host passes them on, filling the glass of the lady on his right, if she wishes it, and the decanters make the tour of the table, returning to the host, with whom the}' re- main till the ladies have left the room. If the host and hostess be well bred, and the servants well trained, dinner will be what it ought to be — an unobtrusive but agreeable accompani- ment to the conversation of a party of perspns met together to enjoy each other's society. Too often the conversation degenerates into an accom- OUR CIVILISATION NOT YET TERFECT. I39 paniment of the dinner, but this can only happen where the guests are ill assorted, or where they meet simply to enjoy the animal pleasures of eating and drinking. This latter might appear to be an impossibility among cultivated persons in what we call our advanced stage of civilisation, but there are still among us very many in whom the intellectual fails to preponderate over the physical; and to these the pleasures of" the table quite eclipse and outshine those of the "feast of reason and the flow of soul," to which the former should be subordinate. '->=^ip^ DINERS. Necessity of Punctuality ; Conversation ; Name Caeds ; Behaviour ; Reception by the Hostess ; Value of Small Talk ; The Voice ; Pronunciation ; Leaving the Dining-room ; Din- ner Dress. Let me introduce the topic by mentioning that in Lon- don it is not the custom to put the knife in the mouth— for fear of accidents ; and that while the forlc is reserved for that use, it is not put further in tlian is necessary. It is scarcely worth mentioning, only it is as well to do as other people do. Also, the spoon is not generally used overhand, but under. This has two advantages. You get at your mouth better (which after all is the object), and you save a good deal of the attitude of opening oysters on the part of the i ight elbow. And excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose. —Dickens : "Great Expectations." The first and great duty of diners is punctuality. The man or woman who is wilfully and voluntarily late at a dinner party must be simply conscience- less. There are persons who pride themselves on making a practice of being the last to arrive on such occasions, but why they should covet this distinction it is not easy to imagine. They cause great annoyance to their host and hostess, -who are perfectly aware that a carefully cooked dinner THE DUTY OF DINERS. I4I deteriorates with every moment that passes after the hour at which it was intended to be served. Their delay distresses the cook, who sees all her care and trouble lost by their late arrival ; and they cause the other guests to spend an uncomfort- able quart d'heure while waiting for them in the drawing-room. Why should they wilfully cause so much annoyance ? Simply from an ill-bred desire of being conspicuous; of entering the room when all axe there to see; and of making others wait, however unwillingly, upon their convenience. These are ignoble motives, and one is unwilling to credit one's fellow-creatures with them, but it is useless to ignore disagreeable facts. While it is totally incompatible with good man- ners to be late, the guest should not arrive until a few moments before the time named in the invita- tion. At a dinner given in honour of some dis- tinguished foreigners in London not long ago, the principal guests arrived an hour before they were expected. The lady of the house was having a cup of tea and resting after her drive before dress- ing — an operation she was obliged to get through in five minutes. Think of the weary hour she spent before her other guests began to arrive ! It is necessary carefully to calculate the distance to be traversed, and, allowing a few minutes for small delays, to start in good time. The subject of precedence is fully treated in another chapter, so that we need not enter upon it here, except to remark that if any lady (gentlemen are not so 14a DINERS. tenacious upon such points) should find herself preceded by one who cannot claim such preced- ence, she will pass the mistake over without re- mark, and with good-humour. As a general rule it will be found that the more assured is a lady's title to precedence the less likely is she to insist upon or claim it. It is those who are not sure of their ground who most aggressively assert themselves. Each guest should contribute to the conversa- tion and aid it as much as possible. It should be the aim of all to make it general, and though those who go down together may fall back upon each other occasionally and exchange some sentences, yet, as far as may be, the conversation should not be permitted to break up into individual streams. This is of course easier at a small party than at a large ; but this has been touched upon in the previous chapter. Cards placed on the plates of the guests, bear- ing their names and indicating where they are to sit, are very objectionable. It cannot be pleasant for a hostess to see her guests wandering about the room in pairs, trying to find out what chairs they are intended to occupy. The master of the house enters the dining-room first with the lady of the highest rank, and he should direct his guests to their seats as they enter the room. This involves the slight trouble of learning from his wife the ar- rangements she has made for placing her guests, but the effort should certainly be made in their interests. Behaviour at the dinner table is an excellent HINTS TO DINERS. I43 test of good breeding. Nor is a glaring solecism necessary to point out the man or woman unac- customed to dine in good society. An uneasy, restless manner, loud voice, or watchful eyes, be- tray their owner immediately. He is ill at ease and out of his element, and not all his efforts can conceal that he is so. He is afraid of making a mistake of some kind, and watches others to see what they do. He is evidently not sure whether he ought to say " Thank you" or not to the ser- vant who brings him what he wants. For the benefit of those in a like predicament we may give a few general rules. Eat slowly. Attend to the lady next you in those small matters with which the servants have nothing to do. See that she has salt; and if she wants bread, ask a servant to get Jier some. Do not ask her a series of questions ; questions are never very civil, but at dinner they are unpardonable if they necessitate long replies; Let your neighbour have time to eat her dinner. Take j'our soup noiselessly, and do not be too slow, for as the soup tureen is never removed till the last guest has finished, every one may be waiting for you. If you take sherry, be advised and refuse hock, but never drink an entire glassful of any wine at once. Never use a knife with anything that can be eaten equally well with a fork. Certainlj', thank the servant. A well-bred man does so unconsciously; it is his; natural impulse to acknowledge the smallest service rendered. T44 DINERS. Women learn more quickly and easily than men the minuticB of manners. They are more observ- vant of trifles, and are quick to note anything that is new to them, and to discern its raison d'etre. Also, they are more alive to the fact that there are some few things to be learned before they shall be able to pass muster in social circles that they know to be composed of individuals above their own grade. There is little that can be taught, therefore, or, to speak more correctly, one half hour passed in society will teach the novice as much as half a dozen volumes like this. A few words of advice may not, however, be amiss. On entering the drawing-room the guest goes up to the hostess and receives her greeting before addressing any one else in the room. It is not customary to go to a dinner party with more wraps or coverings than may conveniently be left in the hall, so that each guest passes almost direct from her conveyance to the drawing-room. The few moments that elapse before dinner is announced must be filled in with conversation of a necessarily trivial kind, but, trivial as they may be, the remarks must be forthcoming. To sit in silence is to add to the burden of care that nearly always weighs more or less on the mind of a hostess until the moment that her tale of guests is complete, and the dinner is announced. Nor must the journey from the drawing-room to the dining- room be made in chill silence. Be your partner friend or stranger, you must find something to say to him. SMALL-TALK. 145 In nothing is the ease imparted by the habit of living in good society more apparent than in this very " small-talk," which is to true conversation as a game at " Beggar my neighbour " is to chess. To be good - humoured without being familiar, playful yet not loud, and to suit what you say to the person to whom it is addressed, does not come quite naturally to the parvenu. To be perfectly easy with another requires that one shall first be perfectly at ease oneself, and this can scarcely be the case with those who are feeling their way, as it were, for the first time in society to which they have been transplanted ; who are painfully adjust- ing themselves to their new position in a gai'den in which they have not grown. But sometimes perfectly well-bred persons feel a difficulty in providing the kind of talk that is necessary for bridging over odd moments in society. In "The Caxtons" Lord Lytton shows us the two noble-hearted brothers, Austin and Roland, in some such plight. They listen in wonder to the talk about nothing that goes on around them. "So the company fished for minnows," said Austin afterwards ; " and not a word could we say about our pearl-fisheries and coral-banks." Frequently, those who have a gift of small:talk get on a thou- sand times better in society than those who, lack- ing it, have better hearts and clearer heads. The accomplishment may, however, be cultivated; and though it may seem not a particularly valuable one, it is worth the trouble of cultivating, for it is II 146 Diners. to the manner what good boots and gloves are to the toilet — very important. A loud voice is never pleasant in man or woman, but at a dinner party it is particularly disagreeable. It raises the tone of eveiy voice in the room, and this may be observed to be a fact, though it is the natural impulse of the low-voiced to speak even more quietly than usual when a louder voice than ordinary attacks the ear. Still, one must be heard; and if a loud voice be a rudeness — and there is no doubt that it is — an indistinct mutter is almost as objectionable. The voice is, in fact, one of the crucial tests of good breeding. One feels that one's opinion of a stranger cannot be satisfactorily formed till the voice is heard. The glance tells much, but the voice tells more. Nor is it the accent or the pronunciation alone that guide to a conclusion. These may be correct enough, and yet we say to our own minds, " This man is not a gentleman;" "This woman is not a lady." It is something in the tone of the voice, and something even in the quality, but as impossible to define in print as the difference between the song of the nightingale and the soft evening note of the thrush. But we have said enough to show the import- ance of a low voice, and, as far as may be, a well- trained one. Our advice to a new aspirant to social honours would include a course of lessons from an elocutionist ; not because of pronunciation and accent alone — though they are much — but for HINTS TO LADIES. I47 the reason that the learning of these necessarily involves a degree of training for the voice that cannot fail to act upon it beneficially. To tax unduly the conversational powers of the gentleman who has brought you down to dinner proves, fair lr.dy, a want of consideration on your part that may tell unfavourably on the opinion formed of you by your probably hungry neighbour. Enough should be said to keep the conversational- ball gently rolling, and in this case the lady may fairly take the lion's share of the talking, but in a quiet, gentle way. " Well, is Miss Blank as pretty as she is said to be ? " we asked a friend the day after a dinner party. "Yes, she's a handsome girl enough, but I was glad I had not to take her down to dinner I heard her asking poor Asterisk as many questions as the catechism. She hardly let the poor fellow take his soup. If girls can't eat, themselves, they might let others have a chance." Men have, of course, better appetites than women, and, besides, they appreciate good things more ; and naturally questions beginning with, " Oh, do tell me all about," etc., and " Why is it that the Bi"owns are not friends with the Smiths?" excite their disapprobation, since they involve long replies. After the servants have left the dining-room, each lady should be on the watch for the hostess' signal to rise from the table. We have seen a hostess vainly try for several minutes to catch the 148 DINERS. eye of the lady at her husband's right hand, who should have been watching for the signal. The ladies leave the room in the same order as that in which they entered it. In the drawing- room each should assist in keeping up the convers ation. There is, of course, the inevitable music after the gentlemen and coffee appear, and a kindly hostess will not press any one to play or to sing whom she peixeives to be unwilling to do so. Nor, if she sees a pleasant conversation going on, will she interrupt it to ask one of the party to sing. Again, if one of her guests have a particularly fine voice, or a very brilliant style of playing, she should be careful not to ask her to sing or to play too often, and this for another reason than the exertion involved. The guest should not have occasion to say to herself, " They only ask me on account of my piaying," or "my singing;" and, much as we like our talents to be appreciated, we all prefer to be liked for the individuality that lies behind them ; in other words — for ourselves. In conclisijn, a few lines about dress may not be out of place. Gentlemen have no trouble in. this regard, since the fashion of dress suits seems to be for the present as fixed and unalterable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, which have served us for a simile so long. Dinner dresses are very seldom made quite low. They are square or heart-shaped, and are some- times cut down in a point at the back as well as in front, but this is not a style to be commended. DINNER DRESS. I49 The sleavas are usually tight to the elbow, and trimmed with lace and frillings of some transparent material. The gloves are kept on the hands till the wearer is seated at the table. Lace mittens, white or black, need not be removed, and are now frequently preferred to gloves for these occasions. Dresses made high to the throat are frequently worn at dinner, but the material is of course rich and fine, and the lace worn with it of good work- manship. As dinner parties are the priicipal form that entertaining takes in England, r. due regard to the requirements of the toilet is neces- sary, and is exacted from both hostess and ^uest.- '"""^^^W^^^^m^^^"^^''^^'™^ THE ETIQUETTE OF CARD-LEAVING. Size of Cards ; Number of Cakds to leave ; Wording op Cards ; After a Party ; Cards by Post ; Visiting Books ; Card- cases. Among the many important branches of etiquette which it is indispensable to understand distinctly is that of making calls and of leaving cards, and it seems to be one on which considerable uncertainty prevails. We shall therefore endeavour to render the matter as clear as we can ; but there may always of course be some individual circumstances to which our directions, however minute, may ppssibly not apply. To begin with the cards themselves. There is a usual size for ladies' cards which all stationers know, and it is affected and in bad taste to have them of any other size : the same may be said of gentlemen's cards, which are smaller than those used by ladies. They may be either thick or thin, according to taste, but the fashion of enamelled cards is quite out of date. The printing should be neat and plain, without either flourishes or mediaeval letters. The lady's name may either be printed alone on her card, or, as is now most frequently THE USE OF CARDS. I5I the case, hex- husband's may accompany it ; as " Mr. and Mrs. Frederick Smith," " Sir John and Lady Brown." When there are grown-up daughters, their names are printed on their mother's card : it is not usual for young ladies to have cards of their own. When more than one daughter's name has to he put on the card, it may be done either by putting "The Misses Smith," or the names may be placed one below the other, thus : " Miss Brown, Miss Angelina Brown, Miss Rosamond Brown." When there is no mother, and the young ladies are grown up, their father's name should precede theirs on the card. To omit the " Miss," and put on the cards simply " Emily Smith," " Caroline Jones," is absolutely unheard of in good society. A similar practice is also incorrect for gentlemen, though we have occasionally' seen the cards of boys who knew no better so printed. Cards may be left in two ways. Either a lady Calls on another, and asks if she is at home, and if she is not, leaves cards to denote that she has called; or, not being so intimate, she merely leaves cards without inquiring whether the lady is at home or not- In either case the number of cards left is the same. If the lady called on have a husband, but no daughters introduced, the lady calling leaves one of her own cards for the lady of the house, and two of her husband's — one for the lady and the other for the gentleman — unless her own name and her husband's are, as we have mentioned, on one card, in which case she only leaves one of his 152 THE ETIQUETTE OF CARD-LEAVING, separate cards for the master of the house. If, however, ihere are grown-up daughters, another of the lady's cards should be left for them. Some persons, instead of leaving this second card, turn down either a corner or a side of the card, but the second card is the better method, more especially as the turning down of the side oi: the corner has another signification, namely, to show that the caller has left the card in person — not sent it by a servant. If the lady called upon has no husband, but lives alone, only one cai'd of the lady's and one of the gentleman's is left, or one of the joint cards. If a lady calling finds the lady called upon at home, she should not give her card to the servant, but merely give her name, and allow the domesj;ic to announce her. We emphasise this, as constant blunders are made on the subject, and nothing shows more plainly an utter ignorance of etiquette. The only time when it is permissible to send up a card is when calling on a stranger on business, such as asking the character of a servant : it has then some convenience, as it enables the lady to see the inquirer alone, and to dispose of the .requisite business at once. Some ladies persist in giving their card to the servant even when they are admitted, but a well-trained domestic always lays them on one side, and merely announces the name. When a lady has paid her visit, she should, on leaving, leave two of her husiband's cards, if the lady on whom she has called is married — on? if she WORDING OF. CARDS. I53 is not. If the gentleman accompany his wife to pay a visit, and find the lady of the house at home, he should leave his card for the master ; but this is of course unnecessary if the master be also visible. The cards should always bear the full and cere- monious title : thus, the Countess of Hawthorn, though called Lady Hawthorn in conversation, has " Countess of Hawthorn " printed on her card ; a clergyman, though spoken to and of as Mr. Surplice, has " Rev. Alban Surplice " on his card ; a general officer who is knight of an order has " Lieutenant- General Sir James Sv/ordknot," the lieutenant- general Toeing on a line above the " Sir James." It is, however, most incorrect to put, as we once saw done, " Hon. Mrs. A." on a card : " Mrs. A." is the proper mode. Also it is wrong for a baronet to put " Bart." after his name, although a letter would of course be so addressed to him ; for a knight to put " K.C.B.," " K.C.S.I.," or any such letters, although they too would be in their proper place on an envelope; or for a member of parliament to put "M.P." Also ladies should reniiember that they cannot avail themselves of any of their husband's titles unless they proceed, not from an office, but from a dignity, such as a peerage, courtesy title, baronetcy, or knighthood, and that therefore it is a solecism in etiquette to put on their cards, " Mrs. General A.," " Mrs. Admiral B.," " Mrs. Colonel C." The general's, admiral's, and colonel's wives are simply 154 THE ETIQUETTE OF CARD-LEAVING. Mrs. A., Mrs. B., and Mrs. C, and are entitled to neither prefix nor precedence, although the latter is occasionally accorded them by courtesy. Cards must always be left after a party having taken place at a house when the lady has been invited. If the entertainment has been a dinner, and she is not very intimate with the hostess, cards should be left the next day — merely left, without inquiring if the lady is at home ; if she is intimate, a call within ten days will suffice. After a ball, concert, reception, or afternoon reception, cards should be left, either the ensuing day, or certainly within the week; and this applies whether the invitation has been accepted or not. Of course in country neighbourhoods such regularity of etiquette is impossible and is not expected, but a visit should be paid within a reasonable time after any entertainment. One rule must always be kept in mind, that under no circumstances whatsoever can visiting cards be sent by post ; they must either be left, sent by a servant, or let alone. When a lady wishes to call and inquire for another who is ill, she leaves cards as usual (her own and her husband's), writing " To inquire " on her own card. If, however, the inquiry be on the birth of a baby, the husband's cards are not left. When the lady recovers she generally has cards printed: "Mrs. A. returns thanks for" — here follows a blank, where the inquirer's name is written — "kind inquiries." The same form of FIRST VISITS. 155 card is used to return thanks for cards of condolence left on the occurrence of a death in a. family, and cards should not be sent out until the invalid or the mourner desires to intimate that she is wilhng to receive her friends when they call, which those well acquainted will generally do at their earliest convenience after receiving one of the " return thanks " cards, which are always sent by post. First visits, that is to say, visits commencing an acquaintance, are always paid by the person of highest rank or social consideration, and it is a solecism in etiquette for the lower to make the first move, the exception to this being in the country, where old residents call first on a new comer. A first visit, in London especially, is usually accomplished by merely leaving cards, and when such is the case it should be returned in similar fashion the ensuing day. If, however, a call is really made, that is, if the lady comes in, two days may be allowed to elapse before returning it. In ordinary visiting a call should be returned within about three weeks, cards within a fortnight. One call in a season, or one in the before-Easter, and the other in the after-Easter season, is the average for acquaintances. Of course friends see each other according to circumstances and their mutual wishes. In the country, where distances are greater, visits cannot of course be so promptly returned, but care should always be taken to return a first one as soon as is possible, 156 THE ETIQUETTE OF CARD-LEAVING. Great care is necessary in not neglecting to return cards and visits, as such neglect is apt to offend those who are forgotten. Any one who has a moderately large visiting acquaintance will find it quite necessary to its proper management to have two visiting books, alphabetically arranged. In the one should be written the names of those visited, their town and country addresses ; thus: "Adams, Mr. and Hon. Mrs., go, Belgrave Square ; Oak Hall, Banchester." "Allen, Sir J. andLady, 500, GrosvenorGardens; Elm Park, Exeter." Those friends who only take town houses for the season should not have their town addresses written in ink, but in pencil, as the regular visiting book lasts for many years, and the changing addresses can be rubbed out and renewed year by year. The other book is a sort of rough copy, and addresses are seldom written in it. The names are written down the left-hand side of the page, and the rest of the page divided into two columns, in which the lady marks the dates of the cards she leaves, or that are left upon her. This should be done every afternoon on coming in, and directions should also be given to the servant to separate those cards which were left without inquiry, from those Vi'hich were left by persons who inquired if the lady was at home, so that on returning the visit she may know whether to call or merely to leave a card. In large establishments the hall - porter VISITING BOOKS. I57 keeps the book, writing down every card as it is left under the proper date ; but in ordinary house- holds the two books to which we have referred will prove quite sufficient, and a glance down the columns of the dated copy will at once show a lady what calls or cards she owes. The habit of keeping the books carefully is easily acquired, takes little time, and has the advantage of dispensing with the necessity of keeping the cards left : no slight advantage when, as is frequently the case, a lady has many hundreds of names on hervisiting list. Care should be taken to enter the name of each new acquaintance in its correct alphabetical position as soon as cards have been exchanged, and also at once to cross out the name of any deceased acquaintance, so as to avoid confusion and keep the list always correct. The more immediately these small details are attended to the less trouble they are, and the more correct and useful is the list. It is incorrect to use on a card such terms as senior or junior: as " Mr. Jones, sen.," or " Mrs. Smith, jun." To distinguish between members of the family the Christian name must be used, or if two members unfortunately have the same, they probably have a second, which may be used as a distinction : as " Mr. Henry Smith," " Mr. Henry Alfred Smith ; " or if both have only the same name, one may be " Mr. Henry " and the other " Mr. H. Smith." Young men have cards of their own when about 158 THE ETIQUETtE OE CARiJ-LEAVING. eighteen or nineteen. It ia well to impress upon ihem early the necessity of leaving cards on those who are so kind as to invite them — first as a matter of positive civility, and also because, if they do not do so, they will lose many pleasant invitations. The old-fashioned ladies' card-cases containing but three or four cards are of no use to any one possessing a large acquaintance. Many ladies take packets of cards out loose in a basket when driving ; others have a large leather case capable of holding about fifty of their own cards, and a hundred of their husbands' ; while' some have a convenient case containing room for cards, any notes that may require to be left, and a slate for writing down what is wanted during the drive. This saves an immense amount of time, as then written- down visits can be arranged so as to obviate the necessity of going over the same ground twice, and it also prevents the danger of forgetting what 's wished to be done. "^ PRESENTATION AT COURT. Etiquette of Presentations ; Brides ; Presentation Cards ; LEViiES ; The Ceremony ; Court Dress ; State Liveries ; Ser- vants' Bouquets. A FEW \yords respecting the etiquette of this im- portant ceremony may not be unwelcome. Many persons decline to be presented on the grounds either that they do not live in London, or else that they are not in such a position as ever likely to be invited to court festivities. They are, however, sometimes both surprised and disappointed to find when they go abroad that non-presentation at their own court pirevents their receiving invitations to any other. A young lady is pi'esented on her first coming out, and in the fashionable world does not attend any balls or large parties -until this ceremony has been gone through. She is presented by her mother, or, if she should not have one, by some near relative. A bride is presented on her mar- riage, and the ceremony should if possible be performed by some near relative of her husbalnd's : it is etiquette that his family rather than her own should present the bride. If, however, no one of iCo PRESENTATION AT COURT. his I'elations is for any reason available, one of her own relations will do. These remarks apply to other married ladies who are presented — though the matter is not so important, in their case as in that of a bride, whose presentation is a sort of official recognition by her husband's family — any relative or friend who may happen to be going can present them. It is now an imperative rule that a lady must attend the same drawing-room as the lady whom she presents, though it is by no means necessary that they should go together; indeed, as a matter of fact, they very often do not even see each other in the crowd. When a lady wishes to be presented, her first course is to find a friend who is going and who •will consent to present her. The next step is to procure a large blank card, and to write legibly upon it her own name and that of the lady who presents her, thus : " Mrs. Percy, presented by Lady White.;" or, "Mrs. Charles Grey, on her marriage, by her mother-in-law, Mrs. Grey ;" " Miss Alice Blank, by her mother, Mrs. Blank;" "by her sister, Mrs. Howard;" or, "by her aunt, Lady Stair," as the case may be.. This card must be left in the Lord Chamberlain's office in St. James's Palace a few days (two clear days is the shortest time admissible) before the drawing-room, and must be accompanied by a note from the lady who is to present her, stating her intention of being present at that particular drawing-room, and of presenting the lady named. The names are FORMALITIES OF A LEVJilE. l6l submitted for her Majesty's approval, and on send- iing to the office two days later the lady can obtain two "presentation" or pink cards, on which she must write legibly exactly the same words as those on the former card. These cards she must take with her to the palace, one being left with the page-in-waiting at the top of the grand staircase ; the other is taken by an official at the door of the presence-chamber, and passed to the Lord Cham- berlain, who reads the name to her Majesty. A lady who has been presented before, and who is not about to present any one else, does not com- municate her intention of attending the drawing- room to the Chamberlain's office. She merely goes to court, taking with her two large cards with her name legibly written on them. There is a table in the corridor where both plain and present- ation cards can be obtained and written ; but it is always better to take them instead of leaving them to the last. The formalities attending a gentleman's pre- sentation at a lev6e are precisely similar to those requisite for that of a lady at a drawing-room. People are presented again on any change of office — an officer, for instance, as he obtains each suc- cessive step in rank ; but one presentation suffices for his wife, as she remains Mrs. Jones, whether he be captain, colonel, or major-general. If, how- ever, Mr. Jones assumes the name of Brown, or adds it to his own and becomes Mr. Brown-Jones, both he and his wife must be again presented. 13 lC2 PRESENTATION AT COURT. So when a peer succeeds his father he is re-pre- sented " on accession to the title," and his wife and daughters are Hkewise again presented. The first persons who pass before her Majesty at a drawing-room are the corps diplomatique and those persons (members of the government, royal households, etc., with their wives and daughters) who have the privilege of the entree; and after they have passed, the general company are ad- mitted. The doors of the palace are opened at two o'clock, and the Queen enters the throne-room at three. As the ladies arrive they fill the various rooms,- which are provided with chairs placed in rows ; and there are barriers at each doorway, which are closed in succession as each room is filled, and guarded by two of the gentlemen-at- arms. As each room is emptied by its occupants passing before the Queen, and defiling into the corridor, the barrier is opened, and those in the next room are admitted. At the door of the picture-gallery the train is removed from its wearer's arm by the attendants in waiting, and the lady passes across the gallery with her train flowing at full length to the door of the throne- room, where her card is taken by an official and handed to the Lord Chamberlain, who announces the name to the Queen. If the lady is to be presented, she must have her right hand ungloved, and as she bends before the Queen she extends her hand palm downwards ; the Queen places her hand upon it, the lady. PRESENTATION DRESSES. l53 touches the royal hand with her lips, and the -presentation is over ; the lady passes on, curtsey- ing to those members of the royal family present; When she has done so an official replaces her train on her arm, and she leaves the throne-room. The Princess of Wales stands next to the Queen, and then come the princesses in due order : Princess Christian, Princess Louise, Princess Beatrice, the . Duchess of Edinburgh, the Duchess of Teck, and then the Prince of Wales and the other Princes in due succession. It is very seldom, however, that all the members of the royal family are present, but a curtsey must be made to each member who is. When her Majesty is fatigued and retires, the rest of the company are received by the Princess of Wales, and the ceremony of hand-lcissing is- omitted ; as is als® the case with gentlemen when a lev^e is held by the Prince of Wales on behalf of the Queen. Her Majesty salutes peeresses and daughters of peers on the cheek at the time of their presentation, in lieu of their kissing her hand. The question of dress is an important matter at a drawing-room. Only full dress (low bodice and short sleeves) is admissible, and those ladies who from ill-health are compelled to wear high dresses are required each year to obtain a certificate of necessity from their medical man, which must be forwarded to the Lord Chamberlain's office, when a permissive authorisation will be given. A court train is also de rigueiir, and should be from three l64 PRESENTATION AT COURT. to four yards long, according to the height of the wearer. Except at the moment of passing the Queen, it is carried over the arm, carefully folded, the end hanging outwards. The other imperative portions of a court costume are the plume arid lappets. There has heen a great inclination lat- terly to wear coloured feathers ; but these> though pretty and becoming, are not strictly court dress, and are regarded unfavourably in high quarters. The white plume is correct, and may be arranged according to taste : it is generally arranged on the left side, and the lappets on the right. Those ladies who -possess lappets will find them much more graceful and becoming than a tulle veil, though the latter is quite correct, and may be worn if preferred. The hair may be arranged according to taste, and flowers, ribbons, or jewels worn in ' it or not, as liked. The bouquet is not incorrect, but is by no means necessary and very much in the way, as the handkerchief, fan, cards, and right-hand glove, if a presentation, fill the hands sufficiently. Gentlemen do not attend drawing-rooms unless they wish to attend the ladies of their family, and even then they rarely pass the Queen (though they rnay do so, and are even occasionally presented), tui-ning- off from the last waiting-room into the picture-gallery, and there awaiting the ladies. They are really, however, of* no assistance, as the carriages are not called, but come up in rotation, and the names as they come up are called out by NUMBER OF DRAWING-ROOMS. 165 the royal servants. There are generally three drawing-rooms every seasonr-one before and two after Easter, and her Majesty also holds a " court," generally before the first drawing-room ; but to this court no one can go who does not receive a royal command to do so, and that is reserved principally for diplomatic and official per- sonages. Formerly a " birthday drawing-room " was held each season, at which no presentations could take place, and to which no one could go in mourning; but since the death of the Prince Consort this has been abandoned. Ladies are not expected to attend more than one drawing-room in the season, as the numbers naturally increase evefy year. Those persons who have very handsome car- riages and what are termed " state liveries " always use them on these occasions, and in such a case it is very usual to provide coachmen and footmen with large bouquets to be worn in the bosom ; but with an ordinary equipage this is quite unnecessary, and with a shabby one absolutely ridiculous. MODES OF ADDRESSING LETTERS. Letters to the Queen ; To the Prince akd Princess of Wales ; To Relatives of the Queen ; To Dukes, Duchesses, Marquises, Earls, Countesses, etc., etc. ; To Judges ; Members OF the Privy Council ; Clergymen, etc. It forms no insignificant part of the knowledge requisite for one's conduct in good society, to be perfectly informed as to the correct mode of addressing, beginning, and ending letters to pei-- sons in various ranks of. life. To a hostess, who is constantly sending out invitations, such know- ledge is absolutely necessary, and we therefore append the ordinary rules for guidance in such matters. Letters for her Majesty the Queen are sent under cover, either to the Prime Minister, or to whomsoever has charge for the time being of her Majesty's private correspondence. The enclosure is directed, " To her Majesty the Queen." Official . communications are ordinarily addressed, " To the Queen's most excellent Majesty." Letters to the Queen should be commenced, "Madam," or "Most gracious Sovereign," or " May it please your Majesty," according to the nature of the com- munication ; and should be concluded, " I have the LETTERS TO THE ROYAL FAMILY. J67 honour to remain, with the profoundest respect, madam, your Majesty's most faithful and dutiful subject." Letters for the Prince and Princess of Wales should be sent under cover to Lieut. rCol. Knollys, and the enclosure directed to " His Royal High- ness the Pi-ince of Wales," or, " Her Royal High- ness the Princess of Wales." The sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, and uncles and aunts of the Queen, are all ad- dressed as " Royal Highness/' but her Majesty's nephews and cousins are addressed simply as " Your Highness." Letters to members of the Royal Family should begin, " Sir," or " Madam," and end, " I have the honour to remain, sir (or madam), your Royal Highness's most dutiful and most obedient ser- vant." A letter to a duke or duchess, not members of the Royal Family, should be addressed, " To His Grace, the Duke of ;" " To Her Grace, the Duchess of ." It should begin with " My Lord Duke ;" but a duchess, in common with all other ladies, from the Queen downwards, is addressed as " Madam." In writing to a marquis, address the letter, "To the Most Hon. the Marquis of ;" and" to a marchioness, " To the Most Hon. the Mar- chioness of ." Begin, "My Lord Marquis." In writing to an earl or countess, address, "To the Right Hon. the Earl (or Countess) l68 MODES OF ABDRESSING LETTERS. of ," Begin letters to earls, viscounts, or barons, with " My Lord." A letter to a viscount or viscountess should be addressed, " To the Right Hon. the Viscount (or Lady Viscountess) ." A letter to a baron should be addressed, '* To the Right Hon." The younger sons of earls, and all the sons of viscounts and barons, are addressed, " The Hon. , Esquire ;" and the daughters, and sons' wives, " The Hon. Mrs. , or Miss ." Letters should begin, " Sir," or " Madam." If addressing ambassadors, begin, " My Lord," and use the title, " Your Excellency," throughout, wherever the pronoun " you " would ordinarily be used. The same title is used in addressing the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, and the Governor of Western Australia. The Governor- General of Canada and the Governor of Dover Castle are addressed as " Right Honourable." A letter to a baronet is addressed to " Sir William , Bart.;" one to a knight, "Sir William ." Begin letters to baronets, knights, or their wives, " Sir," or " Madam," except, of course, in cases where acquaintanceship exists, when formality ceases, and letters are begun, " Dear Sjr William ;" " Dear Lady ." Though the word "Esquire" means, in these days, little or nothing, yet it is considered more polite, when addressing persons of position, to write the word in full. In addressing a French gentleman, also, it is impolite to use the initial of ADDRESSES OE- LETTERS. l6g " Monsieur " only. The word must be written in full, and it is very frequently written twice, thus : " A Monsieur. " Monsieur ." Judges are addressed as " Right Honourable." In addressing a consul, write, *' To A. B., Esq., Consul to Her Brittanic Majesty, at ." In directing a letter to any member of the Privy Council, prefix " Right Hon." to the name, and add after it the title of the office held. Observe the same rules in addressing members of the Royal Household. Letters or addresses to the House of Peers as a body are addressed, " To the Right Hon. the Lords Spiritual and Temporal in Parlia- ment assembled;" and to the House of Commons, " To the Honourable the Commons of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland." The Speaker of the House is addressed as " The Right Hon. , Esquire, Speaker of the House of Commons." Individual members, who have no title, are addressed by their Christian and surname, followed by " Esq., M.P.," except, of course, in those cases whex-e they have a title. In beginning letters to the House of Lords, the correct, form is, " My Lords, may it please your Lordships;" and to the Lower House, "May it please your Honourable House." Petitions to the Lords ' conclude thus : " And your Lordships' petitioners will ever pray ; " and to the Commons, " And your petitioners will ever pray." When clergymen have titles, these should be 170 MODES OF ADDRESSING LEITERS. inserted after the word, or rather abhreviation, Rev., in addressing a letter. The following are_the forms for addressing our Church dignitaries : '"' To His Grace the Archbishop of ." " To the Right Rev. the Bishop of ." "The Rev. John Smith, D.D." " The Very Rev. the Dean of ," or, " The Very Rev. John Smith, D.D., Dean of ." "The Ven, Archdeacon ." Rectors and curates are addressed as " The Rev. John Smith;" "The Rev. William Jones." Holders of the higher appointments in the Army and Navy are addressed as follows : "To Lieut.- General the Duke of , K.C.B., Commander- in-Chief of Her Majesty's Forces," etc. " To Field - Marshal the Viscount , K.G., Master- General of the Ordnance," etc. " To the Right Hon. Lord , Commander of Her Majesty's Forces," etc. " To Colonelt'.ie Hon. A. ." " To Sir , K.C.B., Admiral and Com- mander of the Channel Fleet," etc. " To Sir , Captain of Her Majesty's ship Black Prince." In addressing majors, captains, or lieu- tenants, add the names of the regiments to which they belong. In the Navy, address " Lieutenant Brown, R.N., on board H.M.S. Resistance." " Mr. Smith, Midshipman of H.M.S. Devastation." INDEX. A Giel's duty to her Cliaperon, 29. A Woman's first Social Duty, 23. Afternoon Dances Unsuccessful, 54. ,, Why so, 54. Afternoon Receptions, Amusements at, 53. ., Should be notified to Guests, S3- „ Cards for, 52. , , Error of taking Friends to, 57- „ Gentlemen rarely present, but should be invited, 52. „ Music a help at. 59. ,, One day set apart for, 59. ,, Time usually chosen, 52. ,, Toilettes for, 56. ,, Waiters, 53. Afternoon Tea, 49. ,', Custom of Recent Date, 49. ,, Disadvantages of, 50. ,, Larger Gatherings, 51. ,, Pfeasantest form of, 51. Afternoon Whist Parties, 51. ,, Hostess denied to all save the Coterie, 51. Chaeeeons of Motherless Gills, 27. ,, Their duties, 27. Country Visiting, 65. ,, Departure, 73. ,, Dresses, 66. „ Fees to Servants, 72. ,, Hats and Bonnets. 68. ,, How to help the Hostess, 71. „ Invitations, 65. „ Packing, 6g. Country Visiting, time usually the same each \ ear, 65. „ Unpacking, 70. Dancing Chaperons useless, 25. Difference between a Good and a Careless Hostess, 13. Diners, 140. ,, Conversation, 142. ,, Dress, 148. ,, Hints to, 143. ,, Hints to Ladies, i.;7. „ Naine Cards objectionable, 142. , , Punctuality the first Duty, 140. ,, Small Talk, 145. Dinners, Importance of waiting at, 132. ,, The Sideboard, 135. , , Order of Wines, 138. , , Dinner Givers, 125. ,, Best Table for Dining-room, 132. ,, Errors in Dinner Giving, 126. ,, Number of Guests, 127. „ Style of Furniture for Dinmg- room, 130. ,, Temperature of Dining-room, 131- Duties of a Chaperon, 23. „ At Country Houses, 23. , , At Picnics, 25. ,, Firmness, 23. ,, Introductions, 24. ,, No accurate code can be drawn up, 27. „ of Guests, 14. 172 INDEX. Duties of Guests at Concerts, 17. „ Dinner Parties, 18. ,, Fees to Servants, 21. ,, Importance of Punctuality, 14. ,, Muddy Boots, 15. ,, Receptions, 17. ,, Rules of the House must be observed, 19. Duties of Hostess in the Country, 9. ,, Attention to Small Details, 13. ,, Arrival of Guests, 9. ,, Introductions, 10. . ,, Invitations should be definite, 9- ,, Plans for the Day, 11. Etiquette of Card Leaving, 150. , , Never sent by Post, 154. , , Number to leave, 151. J, Size of Cards, 150. ,, Uses of Cards, 151. . ,, When to leave Cards, 154. ,, Wording of Cards, 153. Etiquette of Dinners, 7, 33. ,, Coffee and Tea after, 37. ,, Dinners d la Russe, 36. ,, Guest Cards, 35. ,, Introductions unnecessary save First Comers, 33. „ Lady's Precedence always re- spected, 34. ,, Menu Cards, 35. , , Placing of Guests, 35. ,, Precedence, 34. ,, Suitable Escorts for Young Ladies, 33. ,, Waiting, 36. Etiquette of Invitations and Dinner Parties, 30. ,, Form of Invitation, 3p. ,,. Notes more usual for Small Parties, 30. ,, Replies, 3T. ,, Should be answered at once, 33- Etiquette of Mourning, 92. ,,_ Buying, 105. ,, Children, 100. ,, Crape, 94. ,, Parents, 100, ,, Servants, 1031 ,, Widows, 93. ,, Widows' Outfit, 95. . Etiquette of Weddings, B5. ,, Bouquets, 87. ,, Breakfast, 88. ,, Bridesmaids' Dresses, 92. ,, Departure, 8g. ,, Favours, 86. ,, Invitations, 85. ,, Menus, 88. , , Precedence pf the Bride, 90. ,, Presents, 87. - „ Speeches almost out of Date, 89. ,, of Widows, 91. Extreme Candour Objectionable, 61. Garden Parties, 54. ,, Children a Special Feature at, 54- ,, Entertainments for them, 55. Golden Rule, 61. Good Manners, 60, ,, Cheerfulness a part of, 62. ,, What necessary for the For- mation of, 3. Hints to Young Ladies when Un- chaperoned, z8. Incivility of Questions, 63. Introductions at Morning Calls un- necessary, 6. Invitation Book, 113, Invitations, 107. ,, Afternoon Reception Cards, 112. „ Balls, 109. ,, Dinner, 108. ,, Postcards Inadmissible, 113. , , Wording of, 107. Invitations to Receptions, Balls, and Concerts, etc., 31. ,, Answers unnecessary unless requested, 32. ,, Cards for. Very similar, 31. ,, Cards should be left next day, 33- , Date sometimes Printed, 31. ,, Mistaken Ideas on sending Cards by Post, 33. ,, Time, 32. , , - Visits when great intimacy exists, 33. INDEX. ^73 Letteks to Ambassadors, i63. ,, Baronets, i6S. ,, the Clergy, 169. „ a Duke or Duchess, 167. ,, An Earl or Countess, 167. ,, Holders of Appointnjents in Army or Navy, 170. , , the House of Lords, 169. ,, to Judges, 169. ,, Marquis, 167. ',, Prince and Princess of Wales, 167. ,, the Queen, 166. ,, the Royal Family, 167. „ the Speaker, 169. Manners and Customs at the Sea- side, 81. „ Acquaintances, 84. „ Calls, 84. ,, Dress, 82. ,, Manners, 82. „ Table d'HSte, 81. ,, ,, Etiquette of, 82. Meaning of " Esquire," 167. Modes of Addressing Letters, 166. Morning Calls, r5. , , Conversation at, 16. , , Impropriety of talking Friends, 16. ,, Length of, 15. Morning Callers, Receiving, 6. Mothers the best Chaperons, 23. Picnics, 74. Choice of Locality, 74. Conveyance of Guests, 75. Five o'clock Tea, 78, Invitations, 75. Luncheon, 78, Provisions for, 76. Picnics, Suitable Toilette, 79. Precedence, 115. ,, Clerical, 122. ,, Courtesy Titles, 119. ,, Titles, 120, „ Legal and Military, 122. ,, Naval, 123. ,, of Ladies important, 115. Precedence, Peers and Peeresses, 117. ,, Rules of, 116. Presentation at Court, 159. ,, Dress, 163. ,, The Ceremony, 162. ,, The Etiquette of Presenta- tions, 159. ,, Formalities of a Levie, 161. Presentation Cards, 160. ,, State Liveries, 163. Receptions, 7. ,, Afternoon, 7. ,, Evening, 7. Sensitiveness, 62. Straightforwardness, 63. Supervision of Girls desirable and necessary, 25. Table Decoration, 38. , , Dessert now served in another Room, 42. ,, Flowers for, 40. 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